weekend free-for-all – April 4-5, 2020

by Alison Green on April 4, 2020

Sophie and Shadow

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Glass Hotel, by Emily St. John Mandel. This story of two siblings weaves all around, from dance clubs to a remote hotel in Canada to a Madoff-like scandal. There’s vulnerability and magical realism and meditations on money and beautiful writing. It’s very different from her earlier Station Eleven (do not read that right now), but it put me in a sort of trance and I liked it.

* I make a commission if you use those Amazon links.

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    2. Wandering*

      It makes me so happy to see that the new cats are snuggling with Sophie, thanks so much for sharing these photos.

    3. nep*

      I just love how the kitty photos lately are everything that is not physical-distancing.
      LOVE THEM

    5. Lexicat*

      I love your kitties; they’re the only reason I look at weekend posts.

      Soooo beautiful!

  2. Jake*

    I’ve been eager to read that book! I really liked Station Eleven, and of course it’s been on my mind lately. I’d been wondering what her new book would be like! I found Station Eleven incredibly immersive, partly because of how much I liked Emily Mandel’s writing style.

    1. Windchime*

      I’ve read a bunch of her books, and they’re all like that. I love the way she writes.

  3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Ever start a project that just GREW? I have a huge window in my kitchen that has two shelves. The top shelf has my/our collection of tankards & goblets and such, the lower shelf has some decorative items and plants, but I try to keep it mostly bare. Unfortunately it tends to become a catchall.
    Well, I decided that both shelves needed a cleaning. Cleared the counter, cleared the shelves. Then decided that I should clean the window and the wall next around it…
    Well I’m doing the wall, but dang look at this ceiling…!
    Yeah, everything is getting cleaned now. Ceiling, light ficture, walls, cabinets….
    Sheesh!

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Oh and then the hubs comes in and looks at the empty shelves;
      Do you want me to take these down so that you can refinish them? Looks likes its about time.
      NO I DON’T!
      ….yes, please.
      Blarg

    4. Parenthetically*

      I feel like every project I do ends up like this! When my folks moved into their new place, doing a quick dust of the blinds turned into deconstructing the blinds and washing each individual louver from EVERY WINDOW IN THE HOUSE AND TWO SETS OF FRENCH DOORS in hot soapy water in the sink. Oof.

    6. peachie*

      Oh boy do I feel this. I was explaining to my boyfriend the other day that the reason I get so overwhelmed by cleaning/decluttering is that I have no idea when to stop — there’s usually more than I could reasonably do in one sitting, but I don’t know when to call it a day because it feels weird to stop cleaning when it’s not fully clean!

    8. anon24*

      Hello me. I try to do one thing and by the end of the day my home is in shambles, I’m exhausted, and the original thing is not done. I’ll start cleaning out a drawer, but this thing needs put in this closet, but wow this closet is messy, and this other thing needs put on this shelf over in this room, no room on the shelf so I guess we have to take everything off the shelf and reorganize it, oh, why are these on the shelf? they belong over here… look at this mess! Gotta do something about this!…

    9. merp*

      This might be absurd but I am feeling this so much with my animal crossing island right now. So many trees, so many flowers, too many decisions!! If I change one thing, might as well change e v e r y t h i n g

    10. Imtheone*

      First you get new curtains, then the walls need painting to go with the new curtains, then the carpet needs cleaning, then you see the sofa doesn’t look nice enough, and on and on.

    11. Katefish*

      I feel your pain and wanted to give a shout out to Unf*ck Your Habitat… The blogger recommends against what she calls “marathoning” and has some good techniques.

      1. Ranon*

        You can take breaks and still wind up vacuuming the underside of your couch, not that I would know anything about that sort of thing…

  4. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Little progress for me this week, but any progress is good, I suppose.

    1. Richard Hershberger*

      I am pulling an old project off the shelf: an article on the first baseball war, in 1882. I previously got about halfway through, which is to say all the preliminaries to set the context, then got distracted. One of my long term ambitions is to write a history of baseball in the 1880s, when a lot of organizational features we take for granted today arose. Fortunately this lends itself to writing as separate articles, which can later be lightly adapted as chapters.

      1. A Tired Queer*

        I know nothing about baseball, but you had me at “the first baseball war”! I hope you’re able to finish that article, because now I want to read it!

        1. Richard Hershberger*

          The war is metaphorical, of course: like two business engaging in a “price war.” I’m not sure how much interest it would hold for someone not into baseball, or at least professional sports, as it is really about competing leagues and how this works.

          Here is one that might interest you: a piece a published a few years back about a semi-famous (within baseball) quotation somewhat mangled and misattributed to Charles Eliot, president of Harvard. It actually was by his cousin, Charles Eliot Norton, also of Harvard. I can’t imagine how they ever got confused. The piece is actually a sneaky way to get baseball fans to read cultural history. https://sabr.org/research/deliberate-attempt-deceive-correcting-quotation-misattributed-charles-eliot-president

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I started a screenwriting class on Coursera. I HATE their interface, though. Also, it’s weird to solicit a writing group from total strangers. I realize you would be thrown into a writing room on a TV gig or whatever with strangers, but at least it wouldn’t be randos from the internet.

      I wanted to do the Blogging from A-Z Challenge this month, but I got distracted by the pandemic. Oh well. I had a great idea, so I’ll just pre-write all the posts for next year.

      1. Audiophile*

        How is Coursera? I haven’t really looked into it, but was looking at virtual screenwriting classes with another company.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          It’s okay, I guess. One class doesn’t really cover a huge amount. I took an HTML class on it once. Your mileage may vary, depending on who’s teaching it, etc.

    4. OyHiOh*

      I’m attempting NaPoWriMo and so far failing rather badly. Hopefully make some progress this weekend.

    5. curly sue*

      The writing is the one part of my life I’m actually on top of again, averaging about a thousand words a day. Which is good, because I just sold this book and it’s due in June. Eep.

  5. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I actually went back to Don’t Starve! It’s been a looooong time since I played it and I had a craving for it. I missed those beefalo.

    1. Princess Zelda*

      Animal Crossing: New Horizons is just so soothing. I really just love walking around with my net, looking for bugs and shaking trees. The sakura leaves floating around are so cute, and I hope I get a DIY recipe for them soon.

      I also beat all the Blight Ganons on Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild and unlocked the last memory! I’m still looking for all the shrines — I think I’m up to 94 of them, and there’s 120 in all.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I’ve honestly always had preference for the Harvest Moon/Story of Seasons series (oh the naming shenanigans…I’m at least 70% convinced the naming shenanigans is why they’re remaking Friends of Mineral Town) over Animal Crossing, the real-time mechanic kinda put me off. But the more livestreams I watch of it the more I think the Nook Miles system might be right up my alley…May pick it up when I get a Switch (planning to buy one this summer).

        1. Gingerblue*

          I’m a Harvest Moon/Rune Factory/Stardew Valley type myself, and I’m finding Animal Crossing enjoyable in a very different way. I think it’s best as a casual game that you drop into for a few minutes here and there. It’s an utterly different, much less goal-oriented sort of gameplay.

          1. Girl with the yellow umbrella*

            I started playing stardew about a week ago and I am completely hooked. Such a satisfying and chilled game, perfect while I have all this time to kill as well!

            1. silverpie*

              Same here. It’s to the point where I’ll be playing a Sudoku after an SV session, and when I touch the next square, I’ll wait for my character to walk there forgetting that it’s instant in sudokus…

      2. Nessun*

        For me it’s the fishing, but same idea – so soothing and calming to just wander around hunting big game, AC style. I honestly am not doing much to help my island…just selling fish and then getting more. I see friends online who have had their concert, created these epic towns, and I’m…fishing. :)

        1. Gingerblue*

          I’m supposed to be putting in my first plots for new residents and I’m paralyzed with indecision about where to drop them, so I just haven’t picked the game up for a few days.

          1. Nessun*

            Eventually you get the right to move them (if you pay bells). So I didn’t carr, I just dropped them everywhere LOL. Mine is a classy, classy place.

    2. Quoth the Raven*

      Just started my second playthrough of Red Dead Redemption 2 with my mum, who asked if she could “control the horse” at some moment. We’re still at the very beginning, but I’m really looking forward to playing it with her and having her input, and I’m really curious if she’ll want to play it high or low honour.

      It’s become my favourite game, so I’m going to enjoy this a lot.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Husband and I picked up WoW again. I played from vanilla release straight through the Wrath expansion, and sporadically after that. I haven’t liked the subsequent ones near so much, but this latest one has been a lot of fun the last couple days, especially with the double XP going on.

      1. Djuna*

        Similar but I quit almost a year into Wrath, and didn’t go back.
        When Classic came out it I played it for a few weeks and left it, but I picked it up again last Sunday and am having quiet fun leveling sloooooowly. I think it’s the lack of pressure combined with nostalgia that appeals to me most right now.
        I won’t say I’m not curious about what “retail” is like these days, but maybe just not curious enough for the download!

    4. Jonah*

      I’m a big fan of atmospheric, story rich games, and I’ve been playing Life is Strange 2 this week. I just have to be careful not to play for too long because it makes me sad after a couple hours. This story might be a little *too* rich for me!

    5. TimeCat*

      I joined Board Game Arena and have been playing remotely with friends. Highly recommend.

      1. Nicki Name*

        Oh, hello, this is EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for for years!! I love Eurogames and don’t have anyone to play them with outside of conventions!

    6. Quinalla*

      Frostpunk and This War of Mine, they fit my mood and also have a good mix of inevitable but you can still do something to combat it – generally with hope.

    7. Junior Dev*

      I’ve been playing Minecraft and Borderlands 2 with friends, and Animal Crossing by myself.

      The Minecraft game is a realm that was set up in 2013 or so. I never played before this. My friends have been working on their little villages and buildings for years and I’m just figuring out how it all works.

      I find it relaxing but I get nauseous after an hour or so of playing; I got some advice on how to fix this in the field of view settings, but I haven’t set it up yet. I’m also getting a better monitor soon and I hope that helps.

      1. Kanye West*

        The quality of the monitor is not relevant with motion sickness. The distance of your eyes to the monitor combined with the field of view is.

        The greater the difference of the line from your eye to the corner of the screen to the line that is the extension of your in-game field of view, the more it confuses the brain. The lines of the in-game field of view should ideally be an extension of the lines from your eye to the corners of the screen but no first person game does that because it would afford the player a very small window into the game world.

    8. Helvetica*

      I re-discovered The Sims, and I gotta say, it is excellent at killing time. Also, not having played since 2, I have to say 4 has some wild new features. Sims die! Caring for toddlers is super hard! Relationships take time to build! Sometimes I think they should’ve left it less realistic, I want some escapism, dammit.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        I literally did nothing but play the Sims 4 for like three days. My brain turned to mush. If you put a stethoscope to my forehead, very faintly you can hear the Build Mode music.

        But I recreated Phantom of the Opera as a vampire story, and had Laura Ingalls fall in love with Emily Starr, so like, obviously time well spent.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I really liked the first Sims, but never played any of the later ones because I didn’t like the aging and the game giving more goals, which started with Sims 2. I never had trouble coming up with my own goals, and I just didn’t appreciate the extra structures getting in the way of whatever I’d decided to do.

      3. Girl with the yellow umbrella*

        I know expansion packs are expensive but honestly the realm of magic one is SO WORTH IT.

        1. LDN Layabout*

          If you manage to wait until an Origin sale, they tend to heavily (50%) discount the expansions.

          …Which is how I ended up with all of them.

        2. Helvetica*

          They’re all on sale right now! That is why I bought it. No expansion packs, but I do wonder if the animals expansion is worth it?

      4. Anon for this*

        I just build and build and build and build. I also watch Twitch streams of people building because honestly I find it very very soothing.

    9. Wander*

      I just started Stardew Valley this week, years behind the curve. Normally I only play story heavy games – RPGs or interactive fiction – but I wanted something lighter. I previously thought I wouldn’t like it, but I genuinely enjoy it. It’s more addictive than I anticipated.

      1. Amber Rose*

        I bought it on the Switch last night after remembering that I loved it on PC.

        I love it SO much. It’s so chill, and all the people have stories and stuff if you put in the effort to get their heart scenes.

      2. Definitely a Real Cat*

        I just discovered it a few weeks ago! I’m really put off by pixel art so I never gave it a chance before, but boy did it grow on me fast. The music just runs through my head on a loop now and I cannot complain.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          I often use the music as background noise while doing the thing that shan’t be discussed in this thread. It’s just sooooooo relaxing!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Pixel ate or not, my then 10yo daughter recognized a potato field from Stardew Valley when we were visiting family in a rural area.

        3. Wander*

          The pixel art was the primary reason I didn’t play it earlier too! It’s just personally unappealing to me for some reason. I’m still not sure if I like this game in spite of the pixel art or if that art style just doesn’t bother me as much when actually playing the game.

          The music is great. Sometimes I just put the game on pause and leave it open in the background for the music while I do other things. I think it’s caught on to me though, because it keeps fading it out faster than I expect.

    10. Purt’s Peas*

      I started playing some Don’t Starve Together and it was like: oh!!! The beefalo!!! Merm farming!!!! My friendly pig king!!!!! And then Animal Crossing: New Horizons came out and…well…that’s all I’ve been playing :)

    11. peachie*

      I don’t think this counts as ‘gaming,’ but I decided to learn some classic card games (mostly via app). Cribbage is easier than anticipated (and there’s a DELIGHTFUL app called Cribbage With Grandpas where you design grandpas and they teach you to play cribbage); bridge is… impossible?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Eh, I’m not too fussy on definitions.
        I’ve never understood bridge either so…That makes two of us? The idea of learning via apps is really good though!

      2. Tau*

        That sounds amazing (especially Cribbage With Grandpas, omg)! I concur on bridge – I fell in with a bridge-fanatic group in college and could never get my head round the game. I got myrevenge by trying to teach them Doppelkopf, a classic German card game with superficial similarities but grave, grave differences in play. They started looking queasy when I opened with “the ten of hearts is the highest trump and the two players with the queens of clubs are playing together”, and around the time I explained the point scoring they were begging me to stop.

        (I adore Doppelkopf, for what it’s worth, and highly recommend it! However, the learning curve is a little steep – especially if you’ve never played Skat, the even more classic German card game, before.)

      3. AnonEMoose*

        As far as I’m concerned, if you’re playing a game, you’re gaming. It’s a pet peeve of mine when “gaming” is taken to mean only “video gaming,” and only certain forms of that. There are so, so many other types of gaming – card games, board games, paper and pencil RPGs. To me, it’s a form of gatekeeping to only count certain things as somehow being “real gaming,” and it’s really obnoxious.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          My sentiments exactly. I’ll try to remember to specify that board games etc. also count.

    12. onebitcpu*

      Ghost Recon Breakpoint every second friday with 3 others online, and Ocarina of Time offline.
      I might try some Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes with the family again this weeked.

      1. The New Spider Boss*

        My boyfriend is on his 5th playthrough of the Resident Evil 3 remake. It came out yesterday.

    14. Gingerblue*

      Lots of Cities Skylines, recently. There’s a new expansion out that I need to get!

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I had to stop playing City Skylines because apparently if your city grows really quickly, 75 game years later you have a mass die-off and your cemetery gets full. Which was hilarious until about a month ago, now it’s just grim.

    15. Tau*

      I have my gaming PC again finally, and I am really, really hoping to get some time into Skyrim, or potentially Stardew Valley, or even an MMO (probably Elder Scrolls Online) tomorrow. Over the past few weeks, I have often found myself thinking “hey, you know what sounds like a great idea? immersing myself in a game world where I can just run around exploring outside and talking to people without worrying about 2 metre distances or decontaminating surfaces!” and now I have the chance to actually do so before I go completely neurotic.

      1. Chylleh*

        So true. I played Elder Scrolls IV when I contracted H1N1, when I was finally getting better and could sit up in bed, and it was immensely helpful for my mental health. Thinking of working in Skyrim again soon for the same reason you describe.

    16. KoiFeeder*

      Tried to replace the battery on my pokemon sapphire. The solder tabs had corroded to the point that the whole assembly shattered when I touched it.

      So I replaced the battery and used paperclips instead of the solder tabs. It works, but it smells suspiciously like something’s burning when I play it.

    17. Chylleh*

      Playing Animal Crossing and looking into ways to get pears and apples. My partner’s in-game, Mom sent him some via mail and he promptly ate them and is kicking himself now. I have oranges and access to peaches in the Nook islands, he has cherries and access to oranges. Does anyone know if there is a chance a character or villager might gift them again?

      Also playing Persona 5 Royal and Stardew Valley, and using the Ring Fit on the Switch finally! It gives a good workout.

      1. Nessun*

        Visit someone else’s island (or have them visit yours) and they can gift them (as in a RL other player) or you can go to an island using a Nook Miles Ticket and hope it’s one with fruit trees you dont have-but that’s luck of the draw. :)

    18. AnonEMoose*

      DH and I have been spending time with Dragon Age: Inquisition. It’s got a lot of the exploring, talking to people, story rich (as in “stuff you do affects the story”) play style that appeals to me. You know a game is successful when it can actually make you care about a character who was a villain in a previous game in the series.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        One day I’ll have a DA:I playthrough where I don’t romance Cullen. One day.

        (Currently modded to allow multiple romances. Mainly because Cullen. How did I become this person)

        1. AnonEMoose*

          I’ve done a playthrough with the Blackwall romance, and started one romancing Solas, but never finished that one, and one with a male PC who romanced Cassandra – that one was ok. But the Cullen romance is my favorite, for sure!

    19. CorruptedbyCoffee*

      I’m playing fallout, new Vegas. It puts our current paper towel shortage in perspective.

    21. IndyDem*

      I’ve been playing Neverwinter Online – it feeds my gaming and my D&D craving, all in one!

    22. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      I’ve been replaying Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, but this time on easy because maybe this isn’t the area where I need a challenge right now, you know? I do enjoy the whole “the real monsters are people” vibe, and my god I love gwent. Oh you think you’ve got powerful cards?? I SCORCH THEM! (oh crap you had more powerful cards) I really need to try the independent gwent game.
      For non-video gaming, I finally allowed my partner to teach me chess last night, and it was super fun! Not at all the cordially murderous encounter with a megalomaniac the movies would have you believe. Just a fun, complicated game with lots of options.

    23. LJay*

      I just picked up a Switch Lite (got the coral colored one which was apparently just released).

      Playing a lot of Animal Crossing New Horizons and Tetris 99. Also some Super Mario Kart and Super Mario World.

  6. Princess Deviant*

    It was my birthday yesterday, and quite a few people forgot! I’m feeling low about it.

    To then top matters off, I found out yesterday that I’d failed my assignment for uni.

    I hope to have a better day today.
    What have you all got planned?

    1. Retail not Retail*

      Happy belated birthday! Happy unbirthday to you!

      Today is my Friday so I get to stay up late watching tv or movies. Trying to get that free HBO to work on my tv.

      I hope your weather doesn’t suck today and you can get outside if that’s your thing. (It’s April, one cannot assume decent weather. We have it minus the pollen.)

      1. PhyllisB*

        Happy Belated Birthday!! I know how you feel; my birthday was a couple of weeks ago (69. How did THAT happen??) and didn’t get the usual amount of attention. I don’t mean that in a whiney sort of way, but usually my oldest makes me a Birthday dessert and we have a dinner to celebrate. But this time with all the shelter-in-place and all, it was very low-key. Oh well, I turn 70 next year, and I expect some fuss!! :-)

        1. Princess Deviant*

          Happy belated birthday to you too :)
          Yes, deferring the celebrations till next year is a good idea!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      All the days are blurring together for so many of us, but if it helps youve just reminded me that my niece’s is soon. So you’ve been a light for someone you don’t even know.
      I can’t do anything for you in person, but maybe this bit from years ago in Denmark will make you mile a liitle. https://youtu.be/xgOyTNtsWyY

    3. SparkleJaffe*

      Happy Birthday! I hope you can re-do the assignment or get extra credit somehow.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Ohhhh I forgot to split the silly birthday link from my comment. I hope you see it, it’s something I have kept flagged for years. Tillyke med fødselsdagen, your highness!

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Oh that link’s gorgeous!

        Mange tak! at buschaufførens ansigt var så sød! (This is from Google translate, so no idea if it’s right >.<)

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I know very little Danish, but the “mange tak” is right. From my long sgo stay there I pretty much remember basic greetings, numbers, and food. Oh and a few words related to coin-op laundry machines. (kogevask=boilwash. great for sterilizing things but mighty hard on bras LOL). Hopefully I just gave you another chuckle. Duolingo has Danish though so I may dive in again when I replace this phone.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Happy belated birthday, PD!

      Very sorry about your assignment. Will you be allowed a redo or some other way to recoup that one?

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Thank you, yes I think so re the assignment, but I’m not going to ponder it at the minute because classes have been suspended rn :/

    6. Batgirl*

      Happy birthday! So many people were sick when my birthday rolled around last month that I got a much lower level of attention than normal. It’s on Valentine’s day, so people didn’t forget, it was more ‘oh I forgot to bring your card’ which never materialised. Fortunately I really enjoy my habit of buying myself a gift every year and I know that sometimes people just have stuff going on.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Happy belated birthday :)
        I bought myself a v expensive purse yday, and thought “stuff it”!

        1. PhyllisB*

          Princess, this reminds me a joke I read in Reader’s Digest years ago: “I just had my 70th birthday and my son gave me a purse stuffed with 70 one dollar bills for a gift. Later I was making a purchase and when the clerk saw all the one dollar bills, she asked me if I was a cocktail waitress. I told her, ‘Nope. A stripper.’ “

    7. Anono-me*

      Happy Belated Birthday ! I hope that you have a beautiful weekend.

      Please talk to your instructor and if necessary your dean and student advocate about a do over for the project as right now so many things are much more difficult than they normally are.

      I am going to do more spring cleaning, take a long solitary dog walk and try to find good fan fiction for my favorite writers (For some reason I keep finding stuff that has an added physical intimacy component as the focus, which is not what I am looking for. ) Start Yoga with Adrienne again. And try to figure out a no power tool diy project to do. (Family has strongly urged no power tool projects right now.) And lots and lots of talking on the phone and letter writing.

    8. Mystery Bookworm*

      Happy birthday! I have been feeling a little left out of some friend actitvitites recently so I can sympathize with that low feeling. I’m trying to remind myself that it’s a weird time and people are perhaps not in a place where they can be as thoughtful as usual.

      Did you do anything to celebrate for yourself?

    10. WellRed*

      Happy Birthday! A friend of mine turned 50 this week. Sheltering in place not how she planned to celebrate. I’m doing a little spring cleaning today and the sun is out finally so going for a walk at some point. Socially distant, of course. Also, calling mom and maybe a virtual TV date tonight.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        Oh nice!
        I did the virtual ‘date’ with a friend last week. We watched The Occupant on Netflix at the same time, then skyped each other afterwards with a coffee to talk about it. It was fun.
        We’d normally go to the cinema together, then to a coffee shop for a drink afterwards.

    11. anon24*

      Happy belated birthday!

      I’m sorry about your uni assignment. I’ve decided that I’m ok with just skating by in my classes. I don’t have the mental bandwidth to care right now.

    12. Princess Deviant*

      Ah thank you so much everyone, that’s really nice of you and has cheered me up no end. The kindness of strangers, hey.

      I’ve been out for a looong walk, and am going to read a bit for my next assignment, which I’ve managed to have extended, and I’ve got a tutorial re my failed one next week so I can discuss it then (but don’t want it to take over this discussion bc it’s no work or school :))

      But I’m probably going to eat first then find a cheesy film to watch on Netflix!

    15. Nott the Brave*

      Yesterday was my birthday too! My plans got canceled for the same reason that everything got canceled, so I’ve been feeling low too.

    16. Skeeder Jones*

      Happy belated birthday! Today is my birthday, it’s a little different this year with the “social distancing” but I got to see my mom and watch movies and eat spaghetti and give elbow bumps instead of hugs.

    17. NoLongerYoung*

      Happy belated birthday! And yesterday was my niece’s birthday, and I did somehow remember that. I am trying to mail cards to people who I “do” remember in time.
      When I turned 30, I decided that others were not likely to remember my day and I needed to be taking care of me. (My mom remembers, but I can’t count on that forever). So I began picking one thing that I really wanted, but would not otherwise get or upgrade (a museum reproduction print, one year, for my dining room), and treating myself.
      I also use my birthday – not new year’s – as the time to look at my life goals and self care. My pap, mammogram, any immunizations, vision… all are in my birthday month, so that I am (smile) taking good care of myself for the next year. It’s less stress for me to look at the life goals then, because it’s “my” new year, and my goals… contact a long term friend 2x a month, for example.

      1. Princess Deviant*

        That’s such a great idea, with a really sensible thought behind it. .. I’m going to steal that! Spring always feels like a better time to me anyway to set goals and review the past year.
        Thank you.

  7. Retail not Retail*

    My mom is high risk and she’s getting tired of quarantine without end. She’s saying she wants to volunteer but all local volunteer projects include too much exposure or already had someone test positive!

    She was like you had that time when you moved back before your job started so you understand how I’m feeling.

    I pointed out that I walked the dog like 3 times a day during those 2 weeks. That’s my only advice for her – get outside, walk that spoiled dog, do yard work.

    She’s getting paid her full check but the only work she can do is training modules which thankfully don’t take 8 hours a day.

    My aunt is super sick with complications so she knows how serious this is but I worry about her mental health.

    Quarantine tips that don’t involve working from home?

    1. Bagpuss*

      Are there any volunteer options that involve phone work? If not, could she organise something?
      In my village the Parish Council is coordinating volunteers and while it includes things like matching people who need groceries or medication collecting with those willing to do that, they also match people who are lonely or isolated with people willing to phone them to check in or just chat , and there is now a national scheme that does something similar.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Yep. I am volunteering with a few groups that call seniors to make sure they have their meds and groceries (and help arrange for them to get them) and just to chat.

        I am also volunteering with a local maker group. (Two weeks ago, I had no idea what makers were. Now I know and it’s so interesting!) These people – 3D printing, die cutting, sewing, and otherwise making PPE – have full time jobs, so I am doing a lot of the administrative and coordinating work. That can all be done from home.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I understand the urge to do something to help–it makes me feel useful do helps me too.
      Might she be interested in doing something like volunteering with Project Gutenberg, LibriVox, or some other distributed electronic project?
      Is there anyone you know with a kid remote-schooling who might benefit from having an unrelated adult to call with school questions? Sometimes we just want a person who is different, and kids have another layer of that right now.
      My mom injured her leg at one point and started knitting premie hats for the NICU while she was immobile. It was at home but she said it kept her thinking about outside in a positive way.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        She’s not big on what she calls “computer stuff,” but I know she had plans to phone and video chat with her students. (K-3 and special ed assistant.) One student came by and stuck a letter in our mailbox which she loved.

        I need to remind her of that.

        Also, we’re trying to follow quarantine downstairs since I still go to work. She prefers the study already so I have the living room. But I know how much shutting yourself away can weigh you down.

        Of course she still goes outside! I think last night she was frustrated by my aunt’s problems on the other side of the country and being unable to do anything for them.

        1. Anon-a-souras*

          If you’re ok financially, what about putting boredom-buster envelopes together and mailing them to the kids she teaches/kids in the family/ neighborhood? My SIL sent us a padded envelope with two $1 scholastic books and coloring sheets, stickers, some bead kits. She’s a leaning specialist – so she’s doing some remote work, but not a lot. She said she spent about $100 at Oriental Trading Post and another $100 at scholastic/postage. She made and mailed something like 50 kits.

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          If she has access to her students’ addresses, she could also make and send them cards. I used to buy packages of 4″x6″ blank index cards (rather than lined) and draw pictures on one side with permanent markers, then mail them out as postcards. k-3s are too young for letters in a lot of cases, but would probably be excited to get mail.

        3. OyHiOh*

          Can she hook up with Boys and Girls Club in your area to develop education kits and/or other non contact volunteer work?

          Our Boys and Girls has been handing out education supplement kits on Fridays along with lunch drive thru. They’re doing kits for k-5, 6-8, and 9-12. Doesn’t reach every kid, but we’re serving about 1,000 meals every school day so it’s getting into quite a few hands

        4. nonprofit director*

          The teachers at the local elementary school arranged a “parade” in our neighborhood last week. They decorated their own cars and drove around the neighborhood honking and waving. It was really touching. Maybe your mom could coordinate something like that.

    3. Ranon*

      Here’s a few links that might help, if she’s in the US:
      This organization connects seniors via phone and they’re waiving non resident fees: https://www.familyeldercare.org/programs/lifetime-connections-without-walls/

      Aspire to Age is seeking volunteers for 20-minute virtual and phone check-ins with seniors: http://www.aspiretoage.com/

      Your local area may have similar volunteer opportunities- there’s plenty of volunteering that’s possible to do over the phone! She might also reach out to her favorite charities and political orgs and see if they’re doing any phone banking right now too.

    4. Baby Archivist*

      The Library of Congress lets you transcribe documents online. It’s super useful work. Idk if she’d be interested in that.

    5. Marthooh*

      Zooniverse(dot)org crowdsources scientific research projects. It’s intended to let untrained volunteers analyze data of various kinds. It might be looking at remote photos to identify animals, or (trying to) read old handwritten data and transfer it to electronic records. It’s extremely helpful to the scientists, but also low-pressure, since lots of volunteers are analyzing the same data and individual mistakes are diluted, as it were.

    6. Quinalla*

      Learn something new – so many youtube videos, free resources online, books, etc. Start a new useful hobby. Sew cloth masks – CDC in the US is recommending folks wear them in public now. Bake or cook new recipes – we’ve been doing a lot of that. Clean and organize – my parents have been doing that. Meditate, yoga, floor excercises, etc. Write letters to people – my kids have been doing that. Reread a favorite book. Try a video game :)

      Hope some of those help!

    8. Wandering*

      It’s Citizen Science week. Maybe there are projects in your area that she might contribute to in some way? While a lot of outdoor projects are for groups, when I lived in a more rural state there were lots of things to do in ones or twos that had us out on our own rather than in larger groups. We did wild seed planting, we pulled young invasive plants, we counted birds in particular areas, we checked fence lines, etc etc. We’d get training of different kinds – go pull *this* invasive, here are photos of three different stages of growth of the plant, this is how to pull it (be sure to get all the roots, just cut it off at the soil line, just be sure to pull the seed pods off, etc etc); this is how to report fence line issues (take this kind of photo, with the GIS coordinates, and describe the location too).

      I have a friend who is working from home. She takes her lunch break to walk – and schedules as many of her personal calls for then as possible. She gets both an hour long walk and a long conversation in, and her friends get to catch up with her. She gives a travelogue of what she sees outside, too, which is fun as we live in different regions with different plants coming up and leafing out or blooming.

  8. Vic tower*

    Living in Australia, just hit 19 weeks pregnant. Am HOD in a hospital so have been stressed out with COVID planning to the max. Also dealing with my husband needing a major operation four weeks ago with slow recovery and a readmission.

    However, this weekend has been a little oasis. Hubby seems to finally be on the mend, my tightenings are less frequent (thank you to all the helpful comments from last week) and there are some signs of flattening the curve.

    I really feel for everyone around the globe dealing with this crisis. Particularly my healthcare colleagues on the frontline with inadequate protection. I don’t pray as I’m atheist but I wish there was something I could do to help and to send that care and concern for millions of strangers in a meaningful way. Does anyone feel the same? How are you turning your good vibes into something tangible? (I’m reaching out locally as well but it doesn’t feel like much)

    1. Wandering*

      You are already doing so much, please don’t feel any pressure to do more. Your hospital needs you, your spouse needs you, the coming baby needs you. Everything you do for your family helps them and then the community. Everything you do for the hospital and patients there helps the community.

      You’re already online here, talking about your care and concern and sending it out into the world. We need more of that everywhere, in the face of the fear so many are feeling. Kindness and knowledge is a potent combination – it feels normal to you, but it’s not as common as one might hope.

      Best to you and yours.

    2. smoke tree*

      It’s just a small thing, but in my city there is a new tradition of applauding everyone working on the front lines at the same time every day. I know it’s not much in the scheme of things (and I’m not sure how healthcare workers themselves feel about it) but it does feel like it’s helping spread some good vibes at least.

    3. Nita*

      I’ve found a few funds on GoFundMe collecting money for PPE for medical staff on the front lines, and have been donating. Considered sewing masks, but realistically, I’d probably average one mask in two weeks…

    4. Diahann Carroll*

      I made a thank you card for my state’s medical professionals – my property management team is putting a slideshow of letters together to email to all of our local hospitals to tell them how much we appreciate what they’re doing for us. My property management team loved the card, and I told them that if they decide to do anything else for them, to let me know.

  9. Seeking Second Childhood*

    The Bloggess this week posted something that I wanted to share: “This is not easy. Give yourself credit.” (Link in reply.)
    It’s so hard.
    The phrase that captures what’s sent me over the edge more than once: “…moments that we took for granted would arrive but won’t.”

  10. Retail not Retail*

    How do people feel about the latest recommendation to wear masks when in public? I wore a basic yardwork type mask on Thursday to clean up the early spring sheddings of stupid trees. It wasn’t too uncomfortable, but I wonder how they’ll feel once it gets warmer.

    I tried to make something out of my scarf before discovering we had those. And they did not keep me from touching my face – hello, I need to drink water. And by the end of the day, the metal part broke off.

    1. tanklizard*

      The Governor of my state asked us to start wearing masks any time we’re outside. I don’t have any so I had to make one and not having any skill at sewing or even having a needle and thread it was kind of ugly at first. I tried a washcloth and shoelaces but the wasn’t going to stay in place. I ended up making a mask out of an old t-shirt. I cut the sleeves at the top and bottom seams and then trimmed the back of the shirt to be sleeve width. The neckline goes over my nose and I tie the sleeves behind the back of my head. It works pretty well, I can get it good and tight over my entire lower face including my beard. The only problem is my glasses fog every time I exhale but that happens with any type of mask.

      1. Legally a Vacuum*

        Try washing your glasses with soapy water and then air drying them before putting on your mask.

        Alternatively, try sliding a Kleenex tissue between the top of the mask and your nose to absorb some of the moisture that you exhale.

      2. Roller Kates*

        Rain-X makes wipes! My dad was on oxygen for a year and wore glasses, and if we had to go out in public he needed a mask. His glasses would fog terribly, but my sister found those on amazon. They work incredibly well.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          Ahhh I never knew this. I’ll have to remember it for the future, since I actually have glasses that work now.

        3. Curmudgeon in California*

          Rain-X says not to use on plastic unless approved by the manufacturer (of the plastic). Hmmm.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My teenager is into kpop, so before Christmas we bought a multi-pack of those cartoon-faced kawaii masks. I had one at the office as a joke, and then in February I had a day I couldn’t stop sneezing and wore it and it wasn’t that bad. They’re cotton with a fuzzy lining– it was a lot easier to deal with than the synthetic safety masks.
      If you’re doing yard work, yes you’ll need to drink–but out & about, well, there are many places where people just don’t eat or drink in public. Wait on the travel water bottle until you’ve taken off the mask and washed your hands.
      I do know I will want multiples if I’m going to go out for longer than a brief grocery run, because our breath makes them damp and damp stops working. and maybe a baggie to bring it home to my laundry and ugh. Yup a pain in the neck.
      And I worry about those of us with hearing problems.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I was lucky enough to impulse-buy several of those at an anime con last year. They have come in handy so much more than all of the enamel pins I also bought. I also have a nice fleece-lined ski mask that I suspect would work well, but I’m pretty sure even in these mask-wearing times that would stress people out at the grocery store. I guess I’m wearing cat and bear faces at the grocery store for the duration.

        1. MistOrMister*

          I thought about wearing a balaclava but i hate the thing. And the mesh over the nose/mouth is so thin as to be worthless. If you have some sort,of fun hat, you could wear that with the ski mask and i bet no one would be concerned. I feel stifled with this mask wearing so I’ve dusted off my novelty hats and will be wearing one every time I go out in a mask. I wore one to the store today and a few people got a chuckle out of it :)

      2. Curmudgeon in California*

        I use a washable nylon bag to put my masks in when I get back into my car after a grocery run, then I sanitize my hands. I put them into it without touching the outside. The when I get home, I dump it into the laundry, then put the bag in afterwards. Start the laundry, wash my hands. I have several cloth masks, so I have one for each stop if I have to go out.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      In my state, government health officials are saying you should cover your nose and mouth but aren’t saying it has to be a mask. You can use a scarf or a bandana as well. Their intention is to prevent you from breathing on other people, not to protect yourself. Since I hike and camp, I have a lot of bandanas. Maybe I’ll get a cowboy hat and go full silly like a vintage bank robber in an old western movie.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        We went to Walmart the other day for cat food. I haven’t been out hardly at all since my surgeries (timing was pretty good on that after all–it has forced me to self-isolate), so I hadn’t seen much of the gradual shift over the last few weeks. I was headed for the frozen aisle and I saw a guy putting on a bandana over his nose and mouth, tying it in back. It struck me that three weeks ago we would have thought he was getting ready to rob the store. Now it’s just someone taking whatever precautions they’re able to take.

        I haven’t yet worn a mask since I’ve been pretty isolated and I go out only twice a week, which is to the pharmacy to get my pain meds. I’m in and out, or we just go to the drive-up. I’ve been to the grocery store a couple times and once to Walmart. I make sure I stay as far away from others as I can. Once I’m driving again, or have to go anywhere for a longer period of time, I’ll have to figure out something for a mask.

        1. AVP*

          To be fair, even in NYC it seemed like the masks took off overnight. One day, maybe 20% of people on the street were wearing them, the next it was 75%.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            More people were wearing them today here, too. Last time I went out, I saw maybe two or three people with masks. Today it was almost half of everyone in Walmart. And there weren’t that many people in the store, which surprised me, since (finally) the governor issued a statewide stay-at-home order that starts at 12:01 am Monday morning. I figured it would be a madhouse, but it really wasn’t.

            Curiously, more younger folks had them on. The seniors weren’t wearing anything!

            1. The Other Dawn*

              I, too, noticed that it was the younger people wearing masks. I don’t think I saw an seniors wearing them at all.

              I was surprised that our Walmart was as busy as it was, though we’re not under a super strict stay-at-home order yet. My guess is that people are getting out as much as they can, while they still can, to get what they need. Although our shelves are still completely bare of TP, paper towels, tissues, napkins, hand sanitizer, and anti-bacterial soap.

        2. Curmudgeon in California*

          I started wearing a cloth mask when going out in early March. I had read about the asymptomatic transmission back in January of February, and it didn’t take a medical degree to figure out it was from breathing, talking, coughing & sneezing. After all, that’s how cold and flu is transmitted! In many places people wear masks in cold, flu and allergy season. Ergo, mask up!

    4. WS*

      The reason for wearing one seems to be that if you are asymptomatic but infectious (which can be 5 days in adults, longer in children), you reduce the risk of spreading the virus. Don’t worry about wearing one when there’s not going to be anyone else in your vicinity, do wear one if you are going to be passing close to other people, even briefly. Wearing it all day isn’t useful either – you need to change it when it gets moist (dispose of or wash the mask after that). That’s why it’s difficult and even dangerous for people to wear the same mask all day.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        I think I’ll save my scarf mask for grocery trips. The yard mask was for allergies, because spring pollen will do what it wants.

      2. Washi*

        I was wondering about this. I live in a big apartment building so when I leave the building I could briefly be in close proximity to other people but then once outside the streets are very quiet. Can I put on the mask just for exiting/entering the building and then take it off to walk? (I realize after I touch the mask my hands are not clean, but I’m opening doors and stuff with my clothed elbows anyway).

        1. Venus*

          I’m not an expert, but that is my understanding of how it works best, yes. If you have a mask on long-term then you are more likely to touch your face (medical people deal with this by changing gloves every time they go to a different patient). Being outside with no one around, especially if your hands are clean (having used elbows) there isn’t any virus around. It goes airborn when people talk, sneeze, or cough but the droplets fall to the ground after a short time.

          1. Ann O.*

            I don’t think there’s any evidence that people are actually more likely to touch their face when wearing a mask. I’ve read some articles from public health specialists that said explicitly they are not.

            Anecdotally, I touch my face much, much less when I wear a mask.

            This may be more of an issue for non-health care frontline workers, who will need their mask on for much longer than the typical case with the rest of us.

            1. Quoth the Raven*

              I touch my face a lot more when I wear a mask because there’s something weird on my face that I’m not used to, can bother me a bit, and I’ll be trying to unconsciously remove it or adjust it.

          1. Elizabeth*

            Anyone else living with someone whose anxiety is worse than your own? My partner has a lot of health anxiety in the best of times (and I’ve gone through periods of my life like that, so I do relate).

            The situation is terrifying so I do understand. But it’s also really stressful dealing with his anxiety, his extensive routines for decontaminating food packaging, etc. Some of the things that take the most time and generate the most stress are things that I believe are likely to make only a negligible difference to reducing risk.

            I’m in a stressful time already, helping my mother who is facing other health problems at the worst possible time, and I wish my home life were more relaxing.

            He has a great therapist and tele-sessions are going very well, and the days right after those appointments are much better for us.

            1. Not A Manager*

              Does he make you participate in those routines, or are they his alone? Can you and he talk about the fact that you have different ideas of the marginal utility of certain precautions, and that if he wants those precautions then he needs to be the one to manage them?

              Obviously you can do that for some things but not others. “Partner is in charge of decontaminating the packages” is fine. “Partner is in charge of washing my hands” probably isn’t.

              1. Elizabeth*

                Yes, this makes sense. It doesn’t fully work because I feel unfair leaving him hours of cleaning work that I’m not helping with even if I disagree. But I think being a little more willing to let him take charge of his things makes sense.

                1. allathian*

                  I think this sounds good. Not to be callous or anything, but you’re just enabling his anxiety if you participate in the routines that you think aren’t worth the effort. I recommend agreeing to disagree with this one and leaving him to it, if the routines make him more agreeable to live with otherwise.

        3. Purt’s Peas*

          I was doing some reading on this (Ed Yong at the Atlantic had a really good article about this). Your mask also becomes contaminated after putting it on/taking it off, so you’re more at risk for those particles going right on your face where you don’t want them to be.

          So cloth masks—made out of non-woven but chemically-bonded cloth, preferably—make it a little safer for others if you are asymptomatic. But if you futz with them, they are an increased risk for you if you aren’t infected.

          1. John*

            So the masks are only for the benefit of other people, and actually make it MORE likely you’ll get sick?

            1. John*

              Protecting strangers is well and good, most of the time, but not when it can hurt me and my family.

              1. Curmudgeon in California*

                No, it doesn’t hurt you or yours if you wear it properly and take it off properly. Remember, wash/sanitize your hands after touching your mask. Wash your mask after use. Simple. It protects you, your family, and others. It helps keep you from getting contaminated, and keeps you from contaminating others.

            2. Agnodike*

              If you’re constantly fiddling with the masks, you raise your risk, because you’re touching your face. So don’t do that. Be careful putting it on and taking it off – if you touch a dirty mask and then touch your face, it’s the same as if the mask wasn’t there at all. There are plenty of guides online about how to wear masks safely. And if everyone collaborates and wears masks when they’re outside, your risk is lower because if they have germs, the mask will help to reduce the risk that those germs will transmit to you.

            3. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Keeping our germs to ourselves means less exponential spread in the community — I don’t live with my fatherinlaw, but I shop at the same market. If I don’t know I’m sick and wear a mask, I don’t expose the cashiers & the stock clerks — who don’t give it to my elderly fatherinlaw, or his home health aide.
              Cloth masks we wear once & wash, think of them like underwear for your nose.

              1. John*

                I can’t justify increasing my immediate family’s risk on the off chance I’m already infected and it will make it to my grandma 500 miles away otherwise. My extended family lives 2 hrs away minimum, mostly more.

                Society is important, but family is more important.

                1. fposte*

                  Though an easy way to fix that is to learn how to properly handle your mask. Or, of course, simply stay home.

                  But the more people, including you, who go out in the community and shed virus, the likelier your grandma 500 miles away is to get the virus.

                3. Ann O.*

                  I’ve read a lot of the pro/con articles about masks. I have never read one that provided evidence for the claim that mask wearing makes it more likely that you’ll be sick. It’s like handwashing…. there’s a little bit of learning to do for optimum use, but basically don’t be an idiot about it. Don’t touch the front of the mask and then touch your face without washing your hands—just like you shouldn’t touch things outside and then touch your face without washing your hands.

                  For optimum use, you want to wash your hands before masking, don’t touch the mask while wearing it, remove the mask from the straps at the back (rather than pulling on the mask at the front), and wash your hands after removal. It’s pretty much common sense, but I did realize I wasn’t always removing the mask from the back before I read instructions explicitly. You don’t need to worry about fit testing–which is a bit more complicated–because these aren’t respirators.

                4. Purt’s Peas*

                  Omg, I’m sorry for starting a bunch of anxiety with my comment above. I am really sorry—I worry that I introduced some new worries/uncertainties in an already uncertain time.

                  From what I read, if you don’t touch your face, and if you keep the mask clean, you are ok on that front and may be less likely to be infected. It seems more certain that wearing a mask will reduce the risk of infecting others.

                  To be clear, I do wear a mask when taking my weekly trip to the grocery store. I also make sure to wash my hands and practice social distancing.

                  Best wishes to you and your family. This is such a difficult time.

                5. Agnodike*

                  If you don’t feel like you can learn to use a mask safely, you can always just stay inside and away from others. Distance is an even more effective infection prevention and control strategy than barriers.

                6. tangerineRose*

                  Just don’t mess with your mask once it’s on. Maybe use a bandana since you might be more likely to mess with it in the back instead of near your face.

          2. Is It Performance Art*

            Yeah, that was an excellent article. It’s one of the few that really emphasizes how little we understand about this virus and how to control it.
            I used to work in infectious disease research and one of the things that the general public tends to underestimate is the potential for cross-contamination. Public Health exports have gotten a lot of pushback (and quite a few insults) for saying that wearing a mask improperly can actually increase contamination and thereby transmission but they’re right. And it only takes one slip-up to contaminate a bunch of stuff; even people who do this every day have a hard time with it, so it’s not as if we can just educate the public and then everyone will use them safely. Because masks have such a small benefit, it’s much more likely that improper use could wipe out that benefit or even lead to more transmission.
            If you’re keeping your mask in your bag, every time you take it out and put it back in that bag when you’re done, you can contaminate everything in the bag and when you touch something in the bag, you’re contaminating you hands again. If you take off your mask, touch the inside and don’t immediately wash your hands, you can contaminate your hands. If you wear a mask, and don’t wash your face immediately and then touch your face, you can contaminate your hands. If you’re like me and masks irritate your skin and so you end up touching your face, including your eyes every 10-15 mn, you’re constantly contaminating your hands. If you pull your mask down so that it’s touching the bottom of your chin and top of your neck, you’re contaminating your neck and if you touch your neck you can contaminate your hands.
            While we’re talking about masks, I feel compelled to remind everyone to keep washing their hands. Hand washing is probably significantly more effective at reducing transmission than wearing masks.

            1. Ann O.*

              While your idea “Because masks have such a small benefit, it’s much more likely that improper use could wipe out that benefit or even lead to more transmission” sounds logical, the published studies that I’ve seen on face mask and SARS and influenza reduction doesn’t support it. Researchers have found benefits to mask use, particularly when coupled with hand hygiene (like we are all supposed to be practicing).

              1. Is It Performance Art*

                I definitely did not express myself clearly. When you have a specific infection control method with a relatively small benefit, implementing it correctly is more important than something that has a clear-cut big benefit. The studies examining masks generally involve using N95 or surgical masks, giving them an adequate supply, telling them to change them regularly, and discarding used masks. If you change that significantly — giving people one mask and telling them to make it last as long as possible, switching to cloth masks, people keeping their masks in bags and taking them out and putting them back in the bag when they’re done, people not washing cloth masks — contamination can wipe out that effect.
                We don’t have any scientific studies on the current CDC recommendations (not shocking because it’s a new virus), but that means we have to draw conclusions from studies that look at surgical masks; there are studies that have found benefits from masks and there are also studies that have not found a benefit from masks. THat’s going to to depend on things like how well designed the study was and how similar the intervention is to our current recommendations.

                1. Curmudgeon in California*

                  It doesn’t take extensive training to handle a cloth mask safely.
                  1. Once you put it on, don’t touch the front
                  2. Remove it by the ear pieces
                  3. Put it in a separate washable bag for washing after use
                  4. Wash you hands after removing it
                  5. Wash the mask bag and used masks at the same time
                  6. Put on a freshly washed mask each time

                  The key to effective mask use, whether disposable or cloth, is to not re-use dirty masks, and wash your hands after removing one.

                  It’s not rocket science, and saying the don’t work is disinformation. Asia has been using masks for years to hinder the spread of airborne transmission of illnesses for years – even cold and flu.

    5. Rebecca*

      I gathered that was for when you would be around other people, like at the grocery store or pharmacy, or at a gas station? I can walk for miles here and not even see another human except in a car driving by from time to time, so I’m not sure what good it would be for me to wear a mask outside. And if I do see someone, and it’s infrequent, we can stand on opposite sides of the road and there’s more than the 6′ recommended buffer. I did look on Amazon for biker dust shields, at least if I have to wear something I want it to be fun.

    6. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      My mom made masks for all of us and sent them to us. I’ll be wearing them to grocery stores etc. I’m not wearing them when I go for a walk, but that’s outside and I cross the street when I see a person coming towards me and I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to keep the 2m distance (it’s funny and aggravating to me how some people immediately veer towards one end of the sidewalk when they see someone coming and some people you can just see are walking in the middle of the path and will stay there no.matter.what.)

      1. LabTechNoMore*

        and some people you can just see are walking in the middle of the path and will stay there no.matter.what.

        I’ve noticed the same thing. People still manage to be inconsiderate jerks even when their lives depend on it.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I plan to fold and secure a scarf when I go grocery shopping tomorrow; there are no masks to be found here. I am severely claustrophobic and I hate wearing masks (when I’ve had to wear them for, say, urgent care visits, my blood pressure went up and it was seriously unpleasant) but if this is what I have to do, I will do it.

      My friend’s husband is completely anti-mask for no reason and they live in NYC. He is usually a jerk so I don’t think it’s discomfort or anxiety, it’s just him being contrary. While she tries to figure out ways to get masks to stay put on their small children. I dislike him intensely, but now he makes me flat out disgusted.

    8. TimeCat*

      I don’t have one so I guess I can try putting a scarf around my face.

      No way my toddler will wear one, though. I can’t get him to keep a hat on. I live in an apartment and mostly take him out for walks. We avoid taking him on errands.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Do a websearch on cartoon masks for toddlers… you know how kids like role playing, these let him be a bear or a bandit

        1. TimeCat*

          He’s only 14 months and so playing pretend doesn’t really work. He just doesn’t have the vocabulary to be reasoned with.

          1. allathian*

            That’s the toughest age. They’re mobile enough that they can pull of items of clothing they don’t want to wear, but as you say, you can’t reason with them yet.

      2. WS*

        That’s a very sensible approach! You know you’re not going to be able to stop a toddler touching things and touching his face, so you keep him out of the way of infection vectors.

    9. Just a PM*

      For anyone looking for an easy no-sew mask, I saw one on using a bandana/handkerchief and hair ties. If you look up @fakerapper in Twitter, the video is pinned to hizzer profile. It seems really easy to do and plus, easily machine washable!

    10. Parenthetically*

      Yeah, so my reading/listening/watching on the subject indicates that this is almost entirely about preventing asymptomatic spreaders rather than protecting the mask-wearer from getting the virus. Even the ad-hoc bandana ones seem to be *fairly* effective, especially since the primary means of spread seems to be through droplets.

      We live in a really quiet neighborhood, so my plan is to make a few masks this weekend — luckily I have a existing stash of elastic, since it’s as rare as hen’s teeth at the moment — and wear them on my once-every-three-weeks trip to the grocery. Not going to wear them while in the garden or on neighborhood walks, since I’ll never come within any kind of distance of anyone in those settings.

    11. Helvetica*

      Considering that they provide very little real protection, I’ve been on the fence. Also, I feel like people get a false sense of security wearing a scarf and forget all about social distancing – I had to dodge so many people at the grocery store yesterday who were wearing scarves but came closer than 6 ft. Like, please, the scarf does not mean we are both now very safe if you come so close!

      1. fposte*

        The advantage is that they can provide people *around* the mask-wearer with some protection–that’s the basis of the recommendation. I figure it’s probably helpful not to push that point, though, since people are probably likelier to wear them if they think they’re protecting themselves.

        1. Helvetica*

          Yeah, sure. I more mean that it doesn’t mean we are 100% safe, so other measures should still be followed concurrently. And from what I’ve seen in my country – not the US – people tend to be more lax when they’re wearing the masks, which they really shouldn’t.

          1. fposte*

            I think it’s probably true here too–it’s certainly true with gloves–and that that’s one reason the recommendation wasn’t immediate. I’m hoping that the move toward recommendation is because it’s on average better when we wear masks despite the risk homeostasis.

          2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

            The gloves thing used to drive me crazy when I trained first aid staff. They’d put on gloves to mop up a kid’s nosebleed…and then touch everything in the room. No you do not need to:touch everything in the first aid kit, close the first aid kit, open all the doors, open the file cabinet, dig around for an incident report, dig around in the desk drawer for a pen, with your dirty gloves still on!

            1. Curmudgeon in California*

              Ugh. Having worked in a lab, I’ve seen people be total idiots with gloves. To the point of taking mine off and face-palming.

              People need to think of stuff they’ve touch as dirty.

              Waaay back in high school, I was in an honor’s science field trip to a nuclear lab. They taught us about contamination, and how it spread, by having us glove up then work with a sample with UV florescent dye. Then, after we “cleaned up”, they turned on the UV, and we got to see where we goofed up. Very instructive. That lesson stood me in good stead when I started working in a lab.

      2. Anon for this*

        I really don’t think I am ever going to feel secure again, mask or no mask.

        If my governor is telling me I need to wear one when I’m out in public, I need to wear one when I’m out in public.

    12. fposte*

      I’ve also interpreted that as when I’m around people; I don’t anticipate doing it when I’m working in the garden. A grocery store run is about the amount of time I can wear one without fiddling.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      Be great if there actually were any masks to be had.
      They’ve been sold out for a month.

      The earlier recommendations by CDC to not wear masks was so ill-informed. Yes, the mask may not totally prevent you from getting COVID19, but given this is airborne, a mask of any type would help some.

      1. fposte*

        The recommendations I’m seeing aren’t necessarily for surgical masks; just a decent thickness of cloth to keep your droplets to yourself. It’s not a recommendation for the full N95.

      2. Michaele Burris*

        Google Mask4Millions ; they have patterns for making masks with and without nosewire and with/without elastic. My problem is finding fabric (tightly woven cotton). I was traveling and just got out of my 14 day isolation, and all the fabric stores are shuttered. Nevertheless, in a good cause, a way will be found.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Bedsheets would possibly be tightly woven cotton, if you’re the kind of person (like me) who has old bedsheets at the back of the linen closet where, say, the fitted sheet is worn out but the flat sheet or pillowcases are “still good”. This thing is validating entirely too many of my packrat tendencies.

        2. Curmudgeon in California*

          Walmart has a fabric section, and a fat quarter is enough to make a couple masks. Also, you can cut up old bedsheets and pillowcases.

      3. Courageous cat*

        Agreed, I’m also having a good laugh at how many people have bandanas!!! Why does everyone and their mother seem to own one? I have never owned a bandana in my life.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I use them to keep my hair out of my face on windy days, pollen out of my nose when mowing the lawn, and to keep snow from getting down my neck when using the snow blower. As a teen I went to a Girl Scout horse camp and it was on list of things we had to bring. It was so useful I haven’t been without one since.

          1. Filosofickle*

            I have precisely one bandanna, and I’ve had for…well, it’s been so long I don’t actually know how many year. Several decades. It would have been acquired during my Scouting years! Now it lives in my hiking pack. My BF is amazed at my (and my whole family’s) ability to hang on and reuse things FOREVER.

        2. Generic Name*

          They are great all-purpose tools. I have a lot of them because I work in the field, go camping and hiking. You can use them as a towel, hold your hair back, tie things in a bundle, for first aid, use as a hankie, a pre-filtration step for filtering water, as a rope, etc

        3. Johanna*

          Because fashion! I have leopard print, maroon, pink paisley, etc. I have long hair and they work better than baseball caps when I have to work in the kitchen.

        4. All monkeys are French*

          Not a lot of handkerchief users here, I guess. My husband converted me to them years ago and now I never leave the house without a handkerchief in case of a runny nose, which happens often when I’m chilly.

        5. allathian*

          I have a few. When I was in high school in the late 80s and early 90s, tying your front hair back with a bandana was the height of fashion. The bigger the pouffe you got in front, the cooler you were. This was one of the few times I managed to look cool, because I have thick, straight hair, worked like a charm. If this social isolation goes on for a long time, I might just have to use a bandana in my hair again…

        6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I have a couple dozen. I use them on my head as a kind of sweat band at work, under my hard hat. When I worked in the desert I wore one every day and would get it damp then put in on my head to keep cool. Having a stack of them means a clean one every day, which is a big bonus if you’ve ever had the misfortune of smelling a hard hat sweat band after a few days of wearing it while doing manual labour. Bleeecckkk.

      4. Bubba*

        Hate to say it, but that recommendation was to slow down purchases, to make sure the non-expendable folks got theirs first. Now that we can’t get them anymore, it’s safe to tell us to make useless homemade masks.

        1. WS*

          Not “non-expendable” people, high-risk people. If you’re a nurse bending over a coughing patient, or work in aged care helping a frail elderly person eat, you need that mask. If you can do social distancing and work from home, you don’t. Even the current mask recommendations are to slow the spread by masking asymptomatic but infectious people, not to protect you individually.

        2. Anonymized because the world is a gongshow*

          Yes, the recommendations not to wear or purchase masks absolutely had a lot to do with supply management; that’s not something that was ever concealed. Even now, in a healthcare setting, we’re triaging who gets how many masks and who wears what for what procedure, for the same reason. It’s not about some people being more valuable or important than others, it’s about the simple fact that if all the people who know how to intubate get sick because they’re doing aerosol-generating procedures without N95 masks, there will be nobody to intubate sick people, and those sick people will die. Directing the limited supply of PPE to healthcare workers IS a way that everyone protects themselves, because we need those workers to provide healthcare to people who are sick.

          Homemade masks aren’t useful for direct protection in the way surgical masks or N95s are, but they’re still useful for the community because they decrease the amount of virus circulating. So, if someone sick coughs on your homemade mask directly, it’s probably not going to do much to protect you (although may be better than nothing). But if that sick person is wearing a mask too, you’ll probably be safer than if they weren’t. And, because of how humans are, the more people wear masks, the more people will want to wear masks. When we see our neighbours do something, we’re more likely to want to do it. When we don’t see something frequently, we’re less likely to want to do it. So if you want the people around you to put on a mask, put one on yourself.

          1. Curmudgeon in California*

            Bingo. Cloth masks on two parties reduce the risk for both of them.

    14. Nala*

      I saw someone on YouTube making a mask out of wet wipes. She cut 2 holes for the ears and that’s that. She put on 2 wipes for extra protection. I wonder if those are good protection?

      1. Not A Manager*

        Wet wipes? IANAD, but that sounds… odd? If they are already damp, they have all the issues of damp masks, which we’re not supposed to use. And if they are dampened with some kind of disinfectant, that’s a terrible thing to be putting over your nose and inhaling.

        Am I misunderstanding?

        1. tangerineRose*

          I’m not an expert, but breathing in disinfectant constantly sounds dangerous to me.

      3. Curmudgeon in California*

        WTF? Wet masks aren’t protection. Wet wipes have chemicals in them that are not great to breathe. The whole idea is… not good.

    15. Chaordic One*

      I went out and bought groceries yesterday and saw a few people wearing bandanas around their faces. They looked like they were going to hold up the stagecoach.

      But seriously, even if they don’t provide any protection for the wearer, they do prevent the spread of droplets from sneezing from someone who might be asymptomatic and not know they have Corona virus. It’s a good thing to do. It’s considerate.

      1. Rebecca*

        I am laughing! Yes, I was watching Gunsmoke and thought – we’re all going to look like we’re about to rob the general store or something! And what about going into stores with facemasks on…um, officer they were wearing a mask! Sighs.

        1. Chaordic One*

          Lots of people are watching Gunsmoke these days. Apparently it’s a thing. Who knew?

        2. tangerineRose*

          LOL, yeah last time I was in a grocery store was a couple of weeks ago, no one was wearing masks, and a few people didn’t worry about being close. I kept thinking of wearing something on my face but was afraid I’d look like a robber. Now I’m sorry I didn’t (but I still seem to be healthy, and I kept my distance as much as I could).

      2. blackcat*

        A friend asked if he should wear is biking balaclava or a bandana by asking “What’s more in fashion, 19th or 21st century bankrobber?

    16. Tris Prior*

      Anyone have suggestions for how to get over an extreme aversion/phobia of having something on my face? Like, I don’t even wrap a winter scarf over my face when it gets really cold out because I feel like I’m suffocating and then I start panicking. Same thing when I tried on my DIY mask (the long sleeve of a holey shirt I was going to throw out, cut off and secured with a big hairclip).

      I worry that I’m going to touch my face more with it on, because I’m going to feel like I can’t breathe and want to rip it off. But I’m going to have to figure this out, our governor is telling us to wear them and, well, things are so crowded in my city that it is impossible to stay 6′ away from people in the grocery store; there just literally isn’t the space.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        I don’t know if I have advice per se, more sympathy. I’m on the spectrum and have some really bad sensory issues, and I really hate having the masks on. I do what I can to reduce the discomfort (I don’t wear my glasses so the fogging doesn’t bother me, I take the mask off in the car) and otherwise just do my best to get through what I gotta do as fast as possible. But this may not be helpful to you and I’m sorry.

        Otherwise, try to do grocery pickup/delivery if possible I guess? :/

        1. Curmudgeon in California*

          I made some masks with flannel as the inner layer. Supposedly that helps with the sensory issues. The masks is more cuddly.

      2. WS*

        Don’t wear one and continue to limit your interactions with other. Seriously, if you can’t wear it properly for any reason, it’s going to increase your risk of infection. Keep practicing at home in case you do want to wear one some time, but don’t force the issue.

    17. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I wore one when I went for a 10 minute drive yesterday and I felt suffocated and couldn’t breathe.

      1. JT*

        The non-medical masks are meant for carriers to stop spreading it, so you don’t have to wear one when you are by yourself.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Oh really, I didn’t know that. My husband has been wearing them every time he goes to the grocery store but is not a carrier and I wear them when I step outside. Does that mean everyone who is wearing a mask is carrying it?

          1. Jessen*

            Not necessarily. Because the virus has such a long period where someone can be carrying it but asymptomatic, we’re basically asking people to behave as if they could be carrying it. Just because right now there’s no way to tell between someone who isn’t a carrier, and someone who is but doesn’t have any active symptoms.

          2. Millicent*

            No, it means that you can’t tell if you have covid-19 so the CDC is recommending everyone wear a mask to slow down spreading it. People can have and spread covid-19 without knowing they have it because not all carriers have symptoms.

          3. fhqwhgads*

            Part of the issue is most people have no way of knowing if they’re carriers. Many have been infected and asymptomatic or have very mild symptoms (but know they have it due to being tested due to having direct exposure). We have absolutely no idea how many similar people are walking around with it but have no reason or ability to be tested. Plus the long incubation period means you can have it and be walking around spreading it for 2 weeks before you have the slightest sign of symptoms. The point of wearing the mask is to make sure you don’t unknowingly spread it.

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              Ok so if I’ve been home for 3+ weeks and haven’t gone out or been close to anyone who could have it, would that mean that I don’t have it, and don’t need a mask? I’m not trying to split hairs or argue, I’m just a little confused. I’m taking a simplistic approach which is….stay home, avoid people, wash hands/sanitize, and distance myself as much as possible.

              1. fhqwhgads*

                If you go out for any reason that might possibly put you within 3 meters of another human, wear a mask. If you’re staying in, you do not need to wear one.
                If you’ve genuinely been inside for 3+ weeks and have had zero contact with anyone who has been out, then it’s very unlikely you’re a carrier but as soon as you go out, all bets are off. If there are no humans around and you’re not touching anything, your risk is still very low, but it’s still there because technically you could walk through a cloud of where someone coughed 10 minutes ago and have no way of knowing it. So the blanket rule to wear it when you go out is better than trying to decide for yourself if you might be infected and not know it.

                1. Millicent*

                  Yes, this, and you also have to factor in the exposure of anyone who shares your house. So if you have not gone out and been exposed to anyone outside your household, but your significant other has been making trips to the grocery store (even masked), then you could have been exposed to the coronavirus through your significant other.

                  There’s so much we still don’t know about how this transmits, but from what we do know, it is safest to do what the above poster suggested – you don’t need a mask at home when it’s just you and members of your household, but wear a mask when you are out in public and possibly getting within 6 ft of someone else or touching things that many others have touched.

          4. Curmudgeon in California*

            COVID-19 is Schrodingers Virus – you can’t tell if you’re infected until you come down with symptoms, but anyone could be infected and not know it.

            So masks protect everyone by assuming that everyone might be infected, and putting barriers to transmission in place.

            You don’t need a mask if you are by yourself, even in your yard (but it can help if you have allergies.)

            Having washable ones to wear when going out around people is the right way to handle it.

      2. AHA*

        These masks are to prevent carriers from spreading it. They aren’t meant to protect the wearer. So you don’t have to wear one when alone.

    18. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My only problem is I don’t have any masks, and while I have the pieces to make some cloth masks I have also would have to modify the patterns, move a bunch of stuff to get to the sewing machine…. Honestly, I’m not going anywhere for a while. Went to the grocery store yesterday, so will hopefully be good for 2 weeks or so. Next time I go anywhere, I will find something to use if I haven’t made any. I do not plan to wear a mask if I’m doing yardwork (unless I’d wear one normally, ie dust control), because it’s my yard, and random people should not be wandering around my yard anyway.

      I do think it’s wise however. And some discomfort is worth it – we’re already crashing the economy to try to deal with the pandemic, wearing a mask of some sort isn’t that big a deal in comparison. You do not have to like it after all! I’m sure I’ll be annoyed and irritated wearing a mask to the grocery store, but I’ll do it.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Update: I found some masks! Forgot I had them – they’re dust masks that I bought a couple years ago for when I’m mowing the lawn when it’s dry. Which is funny because I mentioned that circumstance in my comment earlier, but I thought I’d used them up last year. Apparently not. I figure they’re probably just as effective as the simple cloth masks, and I already have them. So, problem solved.

    19. Ann O.*

      I am ecstatic about it. It makes so much sense to use universal masking as a tool to contain respiratory droplets. I don’t think anyone should get a false sense of safety about how much personal protection they’ll get from it.

      I think it would be good for there to be some public health campaigns on how to wear masks optimally. I don’t think they’re useful for outdoor activities if people expect to do a lot of water drinking, or possibly people just need to bring hand sanitizer or multiple masks.

      I’ve only worn mine for short walks and grocery shopping where I do not need to eat or drink anything, so this hasn’t come up for me.

    20. Anon Anon*

      I’m on the fence about masks. Hate crimes against Asians are up though I personally have not been harassed, assaulted, or targeted. As an Asian woman, I already stand out in the crowd. I’m cautious and vigilant when out in public. As an Asian woman with a mask on, will I be targeted for harassment because someone believes I have COVID-19?

      2. Maya Elena*

        That makes it all the more important to normalize wearing them! That way it’s not “Asian wearing a mask” or “sick person wearing a mask”, it’s just everyone.

    21. Elizabeth West*

      I found a link to a disposable shop towel mask tutorial in a WaPo article. I tried it. It’s NOT a substitute for social distancing! But if you want to cover your face and if you have or can get shop towels, it works pretty well. I made two for me and two for my mum, who wants to make one more trip to the grocery next week.

      This is not perfect, but it’s better than nothing. I found the towels at the auto parts store, where they had blocked off the aisles so you couldn’t go in and were social distancing like mad. Everyone at Walmart was too. It was amazing.

      I’m linking my tweet thread since the YouTube link is in the first tweet, and I added some tips I figured out while making them. I got the pink Swingline at Walmart; hey, I needed a new stapler anyway. ;)

      https://twitter.com/DameWritesalot/status/1246514794389274625

    22. Mmmmm*

      I’ve been wearing them for a month now, but I used to live in Japan where they are normal during cold and flu season.

      1. Curmudgeon in California*

        … in Japan where they are normal during cold and flu season.

        This.

        They are normal during cold and flu season because they reduce the spread of viruses transmitted by droplets and aerosols!

    23. Generic Name*

      Honestly, it makes me really frustrated. A month (?) ago, the CDC was telling people to stop buying them and the “worried well” didn’t need to wear masks. Maybe if as a culture it was more normalized to wear masks in public as it is in Asian countries we would be in a better situation. So now there are no masks to be had, for anyone, let alone medical personnel, so we are being told to use t-shirts and bandanas. I feel like I’m living in a post apocalyptic novel that I don’t want to even be reading.

      1. Masked Bandit*

        I’m with you. Three weeks ago, the discourse was all about how we should be saving masks for medical professionals and now we’re all irresponsible for not wearing one, when there isn’t one to be had. Worst of all, there’s a very Orwellian undercurrent to it, like “of course you should be wearing a mask when you leave the house, why wouldn’t you?”

        1. Generic Name*

          OMG! That’s it! It’s not just conflicting information from different sources, there’s conflicting information from the same source, it just depends when you get the info. Argh

          1. Masked Bandit*

            Yes! And it’s the lack of acknowledgment that the recommendation has changed that really gets me. Of course I’ll do it if it is the recommended action, don’t shame me for not following an order when it wasn’t the order until recently.

      2. Venus*

        Worried well still don’t get value from wearing a mask. The worried well get benefit if someone sick or asymptomatic wears a mask. There is a good thread explaining this above.

        1. Curmudgeon in California*

          But if you’ve gone out anywhere in the last two weeks, you don’t know if you’re “worried well” or “asymptomatic sick”.

          Masks protect the worried well from the asymptomatic sick.

    24. Diahann Carroll*

      I’m good with this recommendation. My mom and I ordered supplies to make them (e.g., fabric, sewing machine, elastic) and she’ll be sewing our whole family some soon. In the meantime, I use my eye masks to cover my nose and mouth when I go to get my mail/packages from my apartment building’s lobby or dump my trash down the shoot (I also wear latex, disposable gloves when doing these tasks and then wash my hands after). I probably look like a crazy person, but I’ve been feeling “off” for almost a week with an intermittent cough and intermittent tightness at the top of my chest, so I’m not sure if I have the virus or if it’s just my allergies acting up – I’ll risk looking like a nut to protect others if it’s the former.

    25. Emily*

      I would consider wearing one, but I don’t own any and don’t have good fabric for making one (I’ve heard that tightly woven cotton or tea towels are the best). So currently no mask for me, although I might take a more thorough look through my closet and dresser in case I have something suitable that I can repurpose.

      1. Curmudgeon in California*

        Old bedsheets work. The good ones have a high thread count, and are already softened. T-shirts can be used, but knits don’t do as well as wovens.

    27. Overeducated*

      I’m honestly a bit confused and apprehensive about when to wear them. “In public” is vague, especially for us apartment dwellers. I wore a bandana for produce pick up yesterday and will do the same for grocery shopping. Contact with others and enclosed spaces = clear. But what about solo walks and runs in my neighborhood, where I’m passing others at more than a 6 foot distance? What about walks with my kid, who’s going to throw a fit and refuse to leave the apartment ever again if we make it contingent on mask wearing? (Since we stopped going to playgrounds it’s a struggle to get out already, but it’s not good for any of us to be sedentary 100% of the time, and our stay at home order is until June 10.) What about the apartment courtyard we use to play, which is shared but generally empty except for one other family, whom we’re avoiding? What about the recommendation to wash between uses, when i am trying to limit use of the shared laundry room to 1-2x a week due to exposure risk? (Please believe that I seriously don’t have time to hand wash them daily, I’m trying to keep my head above water without a dishwasher and laundry.) I have a lot of questions and am just afraid it’s going to be really hard to do this right for months the way my life is now structured.

      1. WS*

        You should wear them when you’re going to unavoidably be around other people. You’re doing it correctly!

      2. Curmudgeon in California*

        You can hand wash cloth masks in warm soapy water, rinse, and hang to dry.

    28. Christina*

      I’ll be honest, the mask-wearing is the thing that has given me the most anxiety, and not for any particular health reason – for me, it’s the ability (or lack thereof) to see other people’s faces and expressions.

      I didn’t know how anxious I would be about not being able to see facial expressions, to smile at someone or see someone smile at me when I’m just out for a walk, which at least gives me a moment of peace. I saw a woman yesterday with a dark mask over her nose and mouth and huge dark sunglasses, and it made so anxious.

    29. Voluptuousfire*

      I’m all for it. I don’t have a mask, so I wear a scarf I can breathe through easily when I have to go to the store. I’m in NYC and my elderly dad was in hospital and is in rehab in a nursing home, so I’ve only been out for groceries and dropping off his clothes.

    30. Person from the Resume*

      I wore a winter weather neck gaiter to the store Saturday. Fail! Kept touching it to adjust it over the nose but not too close to the eyes and was too hot by the end of shopping.

      Ordered a mask online, but will go out to stores without one before it arrives.

    31. RagingADHD*

      I’ve been participating in a local mask-sewing drive. The group has donated about 15k masks for healthcare workers & first-responders.

      But as they are growing, they’re moving more toward standardization & production-style sewing. The group system is starting to involve a lot of driving around and pickup/dropoff of materials at different places. I just don’t want to be out that much interacting with people.

      Instead, I’ve been using up my fabric stash & handing them out to neighbors & essential workers (pharmacy, local grocery, the postman, etc).

      What really drives me crazy is the folks on my FB feed posting “helpful” suggestions about which stores have this or that optimal materials for masks, filters, etc. They are driving around town to different stores, browsing & shopping.

      They don’t seem to realize that the 4 walls of their house are a much better barrier than whatever “perfect” type of shop towels or interfacing they heard about. They are not essential workers, they have all the time in the world to shop and bicker on social media.

      Stay home FCOL! The whole point of masks is for when people MUST go out. It’s not supposed to be a hobby.

      That, and the people looking for dog groomers who are still open because Fluffy needs a comb-out. Gawdhelpus.

    32. Anonnington*

      I’ve been wearing a bandana. When I had to go grocery shopping, I wore a surgical mask under it. I was struck by how hot it was and how much it constricted my breathing. Here in the city, where walking everywhere is the norm, it’ll get harder to wear face coverings in the summer. And people will want to be outside because not everyone can afford AC (or at least to run it all the time). I foresee that being a problem.

      Anyway, I am staying in as much as possible. I’m trying to teach my dog to do his business in our little courtyard and exercise with me indoors instead of going for walks. He hates it. But it’s better for him than if his one human were to die or fall gravely ill. We’re down to one short walk a day. I didn’t wear a face covering today. I just avoided people. And I stocked up on food. No more risking my life to get groceries for a while.

  11. Bananahammock*

    Fello glasses wearing humans! With the latest recommendation to wear face masks in public, is there any way around masks making glasses foggy when breathing? I’ve sometimes had to remove my glasses in public but it leaves me unable to see barely anything.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      If you can find them – basic yard work masks do not fog up my glasses. I just realized I’m wearing much bigger frames than I used to, so that may make a difference.

      If you’re using a scarf or bandana, try having it tighter or looser?

      Some people swear by certain wipes or treatments.

    2. Adara*

      Taping the mask to the bridge of the nose helped me when I wore glasses and had to wear a surgical mask at work. I used the cloth surgical tape and it sealed the top of the mask enough so my glasses wouldn’t fog.

    4. Legally a Vacuum*

      Copy pasted from above:

      Try washing your glasses with soapy water and then air drying them before putting on your mask.

      Alternatively, try sliding a Kleenex tissue between the top of the mask and your nose to absorb some of the moisture that you exhale

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I’ve only done it for scuba diving, but baby shampoo (yellow bottle) is what we use to defog our masks -or spit (but I’m guessing that’s gonna be a no).

        1. Legally a Vacuum*

          Yeah- baby shampoo would work the same way- a thin layer of surfactant that keeps the glasses/goggles from fogging.

    6. Julia*

      I had this issue with masks and safety goggles at work. It gets much better when the mask fits tightly, and you can also fold the upper part inwards.

    7. Llellayena*

      If you can find/make a mask with the flexible metal nosepiece, shaping the top of the mask around the bridge of your nose should help. The glasses fog when there’s a gap at your upper cheek, the nosepiece pushes the fabric against your skin so there’s no gap.

      1. The Rat-Catcher*

        I had one like this when I went to the doctor’s office and it didn’t fog my glasses at all.

      2. Curmudgeon in California*

        I wear a mask with a flexible nose piece squished as tightly as I can make it, and my glasses still fog. Argggh!

    8. Retail not Retail*

      I was wrong oh lord was i wrong – the dust mask got HUMID. Try weedeating with foggy glasses. Still better than no mask, we’re cutting close and things are flying.

    10. Wander*

      If you can get it tighter around your nose/upper face and looser around your lower face, that usually helps. Also, if you’re mostly keeping your head in one spot, try moving it around; sometimes I’ll notice a particular position makes my glasses fog up, but if I tilt my head in another direction, it’ll clear up. (I don’t know how applicable that part actually is in day to day life; I wear masks at work, where keeping your head in one spot for a long time is common.) Also! If you’re getting hot for whatever reason, take a moment to cool off if you can.

      I know a couple people who swear by using alcohols pads to clean your glasses first too. That hasn’t worked particularly well in my experience, but I’m guessing it depends on what kind of glazes you have on your lenses.

  12. Princess Zelda*

    I suspect I’m hardly the only person doing a deep-clean of my entire apartment. What has everyone been doing and what tips & tricks do you have?

    I completely reorganized my bookshelf/movie shelf and rearranged my bedroom. I moved my bench from being a makeshift coffee table in the living room to housing my plushie collection, and my room looks so much nicer! I also hung up white Christmas lights around my room, and using those as my primary light is so much easier on my eyes than a lamp.

    1. Drtheliz*

      For me ’tis the season – Pesach starts next week. I’m working full-time (and so is my non Jewish spouse) so squeezing it in has been a challenge.

      Tips: one room at a time. Get something for your ears! In years gone by (when I was cleaning in my parents’ house) I got through a cassette tape book on eight tape sides. Do the floor last. Similarly, in the kitchen, you’ll want to go surfaces, dish cupboards, food cupboards, oven/stove, surfaces again, floor. For ease of doing it again later, putting a sheet of something (greaseproof paper, newspaper) on the bottom on food cupboards can keep them much cleaner – I have a coaster under the cooking oil. I also have some aluminium foil on the bottom of the oven.

      I’m proud of my “responsible shop” on Thursday – cycled to the Kosher emporium for matzos etc. 35 mile round trip (!)

      2. CoffeeforLife*

        My partner is puttering around and getting to some home improvement stuff that we’ve had supplies for but just never got done. FINALLY getting knobs on the cabinets. 10/10 I try to open the door from the wrong side. Every.Single.Time.

      3. 'Tis Me*

        My non-Jewish husband has been making sure we’re well stocked (recovering from surgery, can’t drive for another 3.5 weeks or so). We have loads of noodles and pasta…

        I might do passover as “no bread” this year, rather than strictly avoid the 5 grains.

        1. Drtheliz*

          Remember, your health is the most important thing – honouring the festival by not eating bread sounds like much the safest option!

          1. 'Tis Me*

            I think it’s probably the most sensible option… It’s just weighing that against “this is the first year the eldest would actually be able to understand” and “my mum will probably be disappointed I’m not making more of an effort” – but especially with the husband having an operation himself on Tuesday and being back at work on Thursday, it’s just not feasible when I can’t get to the shops myself to label-check and I guess my mum will have to accept that.

            (My sister did an online order so she could do Seder with her housemates and got the dates wrong and placed it for a week too early. Mum feels bad because there’s a small chance her potatoes might sprout by Wednesday and then won’t truly be kosher for Passover… Her frames of reference are a bit different!)

              1. 'Tis Me*

                That thing where some people interpret sprouting as being similar to fermentation and therefore Not OK, I think? Even though you can get certified kosher for Passover cheese, yoghurt, wine…

                1. Observer*

                  No. Fermentation can be a conversation, but sprouting and fermentation have zero to do with each other.

                2. 'Tis Me*

                  Observer, I know they’re completely different processes, but in the same way that one makes some foods no longer kosher for Passover (while still being safe to eat etc), so does the other.

      4. CC*

        If you have a gas oven, do not put anything on the bottom of your oven – you can get carbon monoxide poisoning. Thankfully, my neighbor found that out when her carbon monoxide detector went off & not when someone found her dead.

        There is small writing on the oven that says not to put anything on the bottom if this applies. Make sure you follow the instructions if it does!

    2. Ranon*

      I did/ am doing my mini blinds! Gear ties to hang them parallel to my shower rod, degreaser for the kitchen ones, dish soap for the non kitchen ones, lots of scrubbing and a few dips in the tub. They’re so clean and pretty now!

    3. Anonydoglover*

      I’ve cleaned my baseboards, along with everything else in my apartment. Tip: if you clean your baseboards with dryer sheets, the dust doesn’t come back as quickly.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Unfuck Your Habitat has lots of lists for comprehensive room-by-room cleaning. I find stuff like that so helpful, because I’ll inevitably forget, say, to dust the tops of picture frames, or to move couch cushions and vacuum under them.

    5. Jdc*

      I cleaned to the extent of moving appliances and furniture. It finally warmed up last week so I power washed my deck. We have a BIG deck. I could barely use my arms for days from the vibrating of the power washer. Ha.

      Detailed both cars and today we are getting some plants in the ground.

      Husband is coping by learning and building a hydroponic unit for our veggies. It always amazes me how intelligent he is. If he wants do learn something he just figures it out. There is never a hurdle for him. He can just truly take in information and immediately apply it like no one I’ve ever seen before. Probably why he has two masters degrees.

    6. Ali G*

      Hoping to clean up and organize our screened in patio this weekend so we have another place to hang out (it’s amazing how small your place becomes when you don’t go anywhere!). We never properly cleaned it last year because we had renovations going on, so it’s going to be a big chore.

    7. RC Rascal*

      My old cleaning lady recommended scrubbing the kitchen sink at least weekly w Soft Scrub w Bleach. She said the kitchen sink is the germiest place in the house & it helps prevent illness transmission between family members.

      She was good. I would believe her.

    8. Jaid*

      I finally got stick on spatter guards for the wall around my oven, to make it easier to wipe off oil droplets, etc. It’s made using aluminum foil and has a blue tile pattern on it.

    9. Trixie*

      Same here. I’ve never deep-cleaned very often, it’s a rental and will need a complete overhaul/renovation when I move out. But I’m really seeing the buildup and tackling small sections at a time. (Moldings, floors, and such.)
      The biggest change is experimenting with moving items around for new configurations. Metal shelves in my small kitchen, creating more storage while freeing up counter space. Trying new setup in the living room, looking at using as my yoga/exercise space.
      Biggest easy win is putting up artwork, immediate impact. And plants.

    10. OTGW*

      I re-arranged my room like…. a week before my state issued a shelter-in-place order, when my uni was on spring break. Made a space for my board games, and moved my stuffed animals to the foot of my bed so when my bf is over, he’s not kicking anything breakable.

      So I’ve been helping my mom cleaning and re-organizing. I made her get rid of a lot of books (4 boxes! huzzah!) and I have a feeling we’re gonna be painting a wall this week. We haven’t deep cleaned anything, but the fridge is gonna get cleaned this week too.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t do a super deep clean here, because I’m not in my own space, and this one is full of stuff. It’s frustrating. I wish I was already in my own apartment, where I can control everything!

  13. Marina Marina Marina*

    I’m thinking of starting calligraphy. There are plenty of resources online and frankly, I’m a bit overwhelmed by them. I’m looking for a starter kit that doesn’t entail much. I’m in an area where getting anything from amazon is pretty pricey so I’m hoping to be able to stock up from the local offer. I’ve been bullet journaling for years and want to take that to the next level. I also have in mind a few wall art ideas that nerd calligraphy skills. What kind of pen, ink and paper should I be looking for? Which book/website is the best for a beginner (with
    really mediocre penmanship)?
    I want to be able to practice the basics before I apply my new skills to any of my projects.

    1. Koala dreams*

      In school we practiced calligraphy with black watercolor and these old calligraphy pens. You’ll need a brush to get it wet, though, so I guess ink would be cheaper to start with. (It was art class, so we used watercolor for paintings too.) I’m curious of the answers to your questions! Please share after you’ve started. Good luck!

    2. Lcsa99*

      I would actually not start with something that uses a paint brush, because I think that’s more difficult. I started with pens that had different ink cartridges and different sized nibs and I think that’s a little easier because it does some of the work for you – you don’t have to change the pressure or anything, just hold it in one position. I will post a link from amazon in a reply so you can see what I mean even if that particular one is too pricey for you.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      Brush lettering is easier (IMO) than calligraphy and the markers come in so many pretty colors. You need soft tip markers/brush markers.

      There are a ton of tutorials and printable worksheets to practice letters and then eventually words. Doesn’t matter who or what you choose, just pick one and print. You could also purchase a workbook but those are more expensive. Once you have the basic motions down then I would use heavier paper for the type of ink (watercolor/heavy drawing/mixed media/cardstock) and project.

      You could get a standard calligraphy pen with a few sizes of nibs (tips) and some ink. I have two types, a dipping style and a fillable barrel (so it’s more like a fountain pen. I’m left handed so it’s trickier for me and there aren’t a lot of resources/tutorials for us. But it’s not impossible to learn on your own! Best of luck :))

    4. Richard Hershberger*

      You can start with a calligraphy felt tip pen. The difference from a regular felt tip pen is the shape of the tip. This isn’t intended for serious use, but is a good (and cheap) way to dip your toe in the water.

    5. Jess*

      If you want to do calligraphy with an actual nib, my main advice would be to try several to figure out what you’re most comfortable with. A less flexible nib, where the tines don’t split as much, is easier to control for most people when starting out. I like the Nikko G for that reason. If you can get a variety pack of nibs that’s a really good way to try it out, I got the Copperplate sampler on Paper and Ink Arts’ website. Paper definitely makes a big difference. There are special pads with guidelines, otherwise I use 32 lb laser jet. The viscosity of the ink will also impact how it writes on different papers. For good tutorials and downloads, I like The Postman’s Knock. One other piece of advice (that I’m bad at following myself!) is don’t worry about writing words or even letters right away. Learn all of the shapes that make up the letters and do a ton of practice with those before trying to put it together into words. That way you’ll build more consistency and muscle memory. Tracing helps a lot with that.

    6. Chaordic One*

      Maybe consider buying a lower-priced set of pens from a craft shop such as Michaels or JOANN. Both stores almost always have 40% off coupons in the newspaper sales sheets and on their websites for one full-priced item purchased in the store.

    7. Claritza*

      Learning calligraphy is a great idea! It takes concentration (keeps your mind off of you know what) and is very rewarding. Your handwriting quality need not matter.

    8. Liane*

      I don’t know if you are left handed but in case you are–or someone else interested is–if you are using ANY type of pen, be sure to get OBLIQUE tips. Unless you want your hands and paper covered with smears.
      Both oblique nibs (for dip or fountain pens) and oblique felt tip pens exist, as well as kits meant for lefties–but they can be hard to find.

  14. anon24*

    Last night I had my computer sitting in a place other than my desk, and got wrapped up in a game for longer than I planned to. I think I must have been leaning my arm in an awkward position and I was super focused on my game, because when I finally decided it was time for bed I realized that my pinky, ring finger, and half my hand were numb and tingly. I thought it was just asleep, but here we are 5 hours later and it’s not getting any better. I’m assuming I pinched a nerve or something, because I have good blood flow to my fingers. This has never happened before. For obvious reasons I don’t want to go to urgent care, and I think that might be an overreaction anyway. Does anyone have any advice on treating this? It’s my dominant hand, so very uncomfortable.

    1. misspiggy*

      Try putting something cold on it at regular intervals – ice pack or a packet of frozen peas.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      If you want a Google search, it’s the ulnar nerve that you’re dealing with. I find massaging around my funny bone can help – the nerve goes through a passage there, and a hot shower or bath to relax my muscles.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        The other common place to compress your ulnar nerve is at the wrist. You can look up Guyon’s canal to see that location. If you have some feeling in the affected fingers and you can move them, probably the nerve is still intact, just irritated and needs time to recover. If you do not have any feeling and/or movement, it’s a bigger deal. I am an actual doctor, but can’t substitute for your own doctor if you’re worried.

    3. Legally a Vacuum*

      It sounds odd, but shaking my entire arm like I’m trying to flick water off it helps me.

    4. Julco*

      I agree with AcademiaNut. It’s probably the ulnar nerve. I need a pillow under my right elbow, to reduce the pressure on my bent elbow, when I sit in my rocking chair to crochet or watch tv. And I use a compression sleeve over my elbow when it gets too bad. A couple of hours with the sleeve usually works wonders and helps me remember not to lean on it.

    5. fposte*

      Agreeing that it sounds like pressure on a nerve and that the ulnar nerve is a good possibility. FWIW, nerves often take a while to settle down, so I wouldn’t worry if it doesn’t go away for a bit, especially if you can’t help but put some pressure on it. Definitely use a cushion, or they also make things that are basically padded socks for the elbow for this, which you could probably make an equivalent of at home if you have anything squishy lying around. (An actual sock would be too tight for me but a t-shirt sleeve with a sock around the elbow would probably work.)

      1. anon24*

        Thanks for the reassurance fposte. I’m used to frequent injuries because I’m a klutz, but nerve pain is something new. I probably had pressure on it for a good 4 hours – I totally zone out when I get into gaming. I should not have been sitting where I was but it was a new game and I only meant to play for 20 minutes or so – I need to stop doing that. It’s been almost 12 hours and it’s not better. It’s driving me crazy and also completely freaking me out, I keep imagining the worst and I really don’t want to have to get medical treatment right now. I’m going to wrap it and try not to use it as much as possible.

        1. Reba*

          I once had an ulnar nerve thing from a car accident. IIRC it appeared 6 or 8 hours after the actual impact, my arm got a little swollen, and it went away slowly over maybe a day. Rest and massage sound good.

          It is truly freaky! Bodies are so weird.

          I also have the thing where I get into whatever it is I’m doing, usually a book, and then stay in a totally bizarre posture for hours, and then my back regrets it. Solidarity.

    6. AceInPlainSight*

      I’ve done this before, and it totally freaked me out! The pins and needles lasted for about a week, so I went to urgent care, and their advice was to keep it straight as much as possible and consider bracing it somehow while I slept, to keep it straight at night. It was scary, but not a big deal, and there’s not much urgent care can do if you go.

    7. Book Lover*

      Your primary care doctor is likely doing telemedicine right now. So you could call for a video or phone appointment.

    8. Penny Parker*

      As a massage practitioner, I would suggest working on the muscles which are involved with the nerve. Goggle Myofascial pain and the ulnar nerve. Some sites will show you how to massage the area which will help the pain go away.

    9. KoiFeeder*

      Your ulnar nerve is throwing a tantrum; it happens to me all the time. Ice it and make sure to keep that arm straight (that part may only apply to me and my EDS joints) until it stops tingling.

    10. Deranged Cubicle Owl*

      Yeah, that is probably the ulnar nerve that has been blocked too long.

      I had that a couple of years ago (5 or 6 years back), after sitting behind my desk and resting my elbow on my desk while my head was resting in my hand as I watched a film on my computer. It got better without an operation but I had to rest my arm/elbow for quite a long time (and put a lot of cold packs on it). It scared me a bit because it did take some time before the numb feeling went away, I even went to an orthopedic specialist and he said that if the rest didn’t help, an operation was the next option. It took about 3 months for me. Good thing for me is that it wasn’t my dominant hand, so I have no idea how your situation will evolve. But I was surprised at how much I use(d) my non-dominant hand/arm in every day life. I had to put it in a sling just to remind me not to use it and let it rest (not in a 90 degree angle btw, that’s not advised either) The sling did give me the added bonus of putting a frozen/cold gel pack in it so my elbow.

      While I kept my hand-function (thank God, playing the piano, the guitar and the recorder are my hobby’s!), if i slide something softly on the skin of those two fingers, it still feels a bit weird. Like, as a child and I was doing arts and crafts and your fingers get a bit covered by a glue stick, that is how it feels. So it is like I got 99% of total function back.

      Since then, I do focus on my posture. Definitely when I am behind my desk.

      But rest, rest, rest and cold packs, cold packs, cold packs.

    11. Spessartine*

      Something very similar happened to me last year. I fell asleep with my arm bent under my head and woke up with a numb, tingly hand–the exact same affected areas as yours. It progressed to mostly just numb over the next few weeks, sometimes even painfully so. I kept waiting for it to get better and it just…didn’t. I ended up getting a 122° arm brace off Amazon that I wore pretty religiously except at work (work with my hands, needed to bend the elbow). I even slept with it on! It wasn’t super comfortable and it took a while but eventually all normal feeling returned. I haven’t had an issue since. I hope yours improves on its own though!

    12. Kuododi*

      Standard disclaimer… this is not medical advice. I’ve had problems in the past with my feet and ankles going pins and needles. My integrative endocrinologist at the time recommended a strong sports gel such as Blue Ice. He recommended I take a small amount of the gel and rub a strip of the product around the affected limb just above the pins/needles sensation. This took place some years ago. I do remember it was extremely helpful to break up the sensation in my feet and ankles, with no real side effects. Best regards and I hope this is resolved quickly.

    13. CastIrony*

      I have arthritis in this area. My tips:

      -Never, ever crochet. It will hurt more.
      -If you want a small wrist brace, the ones at Dollar Tree help somewhat.
      -Put some Icy Hot or Vaporub in a pinch, but do not wear a brace while wearing it.
      -When I went to physical therapy, the doctor guy scraped my arm in that area with this plastic thing, and it was supposed to help the nerve respond. I am not sure on its success.
      -The ulnar nerve goes all the way to your elbow crease. As the pain progresses, wearing an elbow brace may help.
      – Using that phone feature where you drag your finger on the phone’s keyboard to text instead of texting normally will help reduce strain.

      These are my tips and experiences, and it shouldn’t be taken more seriously than a home remedy. It can really hurt, so I hope you get better soon! I apologize for the long post! :)

  15. Blueberry*

    April is National Poetry Month in the US! I used to print up little cards with poems and give them out but obviously that won’t be feasible this year. I may just mail poem-cards to my holiday card list recipients. Is anyone else planning anything for this poetic month?

    also, here’s a poem.

    When I Have Passed Away

    When I have passed away and am forgotten,
    And no one living can recall my face,
    When under alien sod my bones lie rotten
    With not a tree or stone to mark the place;

    Perchance a pensive youth, with passion burning,
    For olden verse that smacks of love and wine,
    The musty pages of old volumes turning,
    May light upon a little song of mine,

    And he may softly hum the tune and wonder
    Who wrote the verses in the long ago;
    Or he may sit him down awhile to ponder
    Upon the simple words that touch him so.

    — Claude McKay

    1. Penny Parker*

      I absolutely love Claude McKay! He spoke out about violence against people of color back during the post-WWI racial riots when so many were getting lynched. He wrote a lot about death because so many people of color were being murdered. My favorite of his:

      If We Must Die
      By Claude McKay
      If we must die, let it not be like hogs
      Hunted and penned in an inglorious spot,
      While round us bark the mad and hungry dogs,
      Making their mock at our accursèd lot.
      If we must die, O let us nobly die,
      So that our precious blood may not be shed
      In vain; then even the monsters we defy
      Shall be constrained to honor us though dead!
      O kinsmen! we must meet the common foe!
      Though far outnumbered let us show us brave,
      And for their thousand blows deal one death-blow!
      What though before us lies the open grave?
      Like men we’ll face the murderous, cowardly pack,
      Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back!

      1. Blueberry*

        Oh my goodness, yes. Your posting this brought back memeories of when I was 16 and read his poetry for the first time, tears streaming down my face.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you for posting this. I will look for more of his work.

        Why people have to treat others badly is a question that arises century after century. I wish it were otherwise.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Here is one by Ogden Nash.

      The Termite
      Some primal termite knocked on wood
      And tasted it, and found it good!
      And that is why your Cousin May
      Fell through the parlor floor today.

    3. Pam*

      One of my favorites, by Siegfried Sassoon.

      Falling Asleep
      Voices moving about in the quiet house:
      Thud of feet and a muffled shutting of doors:
      Everyone yawning. Only the clocks are alert.

      Out in the night there’s autumn-smelling gloom
      Crowded with whispering trees; across the park
      A hollow cry of hounds like lonely bells:
      And I know that the clouds are moving across the moon;
      The low, red, rising moon. Now herons call
      And wrangle by their pool; and hooting owls
      Sail from the wood above pale stooks of oats.

      Waiting for sleep, I drift from thoughts like these;
      And where to-day was dream-like, build my dreams.
      Music… there was a bright white room below,
      And someone singing a song about a soldier,
      One hour, two hours ago: and soon the song
      Will be ‘last night’: but now the beauty swings
      Across my brain, ghost of remembered chords
      Which still can make such radiance in my dream
      That I can watch the marching of my soldiers,
      And count their faces; faces; sunlit faces.

      Falling asleep… the herons, and the hounds….
      September in the darkness; and the world
      I’ve known; all fading past me into peace.

    4. Jedi Squirrel*

      One of my favorites, from Christina Rosetti:

      When I am dead, my dearest,
      Sing no sad songs for me;
      Plant thou no roses at my head,
      Nor shady cypress tree:
      Be the green grass above me
      With showers and dewdrops wet;
      And if thou wilt, remember,
      And if thou wilt, forget…

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Travel
      Edna St. Vincent Millay – 1892-1950

      The railroad track is miles away,
      And the day is loud with voices speaking,
      Yet there isn’t a train goes by all day
      But I hear its whistle shrieking.

      All night there isn’t a train goes by,
      Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming,
      But I see its cinders red on the sky,
      And hear its engine steaming.

      My heart is warm with the friends I make,
      And better friends I’ll not be knowing;
      Yet there isn’t a train I wouldn’t take,
      No matter where it’s going.

  16. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Cat help please!
    What reasons have your cats had for peeing next to the box rather than in it? My cat has been semi-irregularly doing this, and I’m running out of ideas and thinks to try.
    Also: how long does it take feliway to kick in?
    Thank you for any help!

    1. Akcipitrokulo*

      I don’t know… but we got a small waterproof doormat which was machine washable to go under the lutter tray.

    2. Joie De Vivre*

      I don’t have an answer to your question, just a tip.

      One of my cats likes to “aim high”, so the pee leaks down the outside of the hooded litter box Puppy pees pads have been a life saver.

      2. AnonyNurse*

        Yes! I thought my cat was going right next to the box but it turned out it was her (yes, her) shooting over the box. Started around the time her kidney disease really ramped up and the volume of urine she now produces is … insane. I think it doesn’t absorb into the litter fast enough when she pees a lot, thus her trying to get it away from her. I use puppy pee pads, one under the box and one taped to the bath tub. Then I push the box up against the tub, and voila! I no longer mop the bathroom floor multiple times a day. It’s absurd but it works. And my kitty, who is old enough to vote (in the US) this year, can have whatever she wants. As long as she’s happy, I’m happy.

    3. Joie De Vivre*

      Feliway doesn’t work for all cats.

      I’ve used Feliway, and it took about a month to really notice a difference. Then I couldn’t find it and had to switch to Comfort Zone. Which also works for my cats – however I found they aren’t interchangeable. If I switch products, then 30 days to work (for my cats) starts over.

      They work well enough on my cats now, that if a dispenser runs out and I don’t catch it, I can tell by my cats behavior.

      Good luck.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      A few reasons:
      *Litter box isn’t clean (enough). Scoop more frequently, change litter, wash physical box
      *cat doesn’t like type of litter
      *some household change the cat doesn’t like (new pet, new person, rearranged furniture, changed litter location or you need to change litter location)
      *bad littler location. Maybe it’s too loud or not enough privacy

    5. cat socks*

      Have you had a vet appointment to rule out any medical issues?

      Is there a chance the sides of the box are too high for kitty to get in and out?

      Any other changes to the environment that might be causing stress? New litter, change in food, outdoor cats, other pets in the household?

      Also, I’ve never really had luck with Feliway. If a trip to the vet rules out any medical issues it could be a psychological issue. One of my cats is on a low level of paroxetine. There are also “calming” foods for cats that your vet can prescribe. CBD oil is another option.

    6. puffle*

      For my cat it turned out she had cystitis and was trying to get my attention to say, “hey, something’s wrong here, I need some help!”. Once she was on medication she stopped doing it.

      Feliway never seemed to have any effect on her, so I gave up. Unfortunately I don’t have any alternatives to suggest- my cat calmed down when her cystitis cleared up and is now fairly chilled 90% of the time (the 10% is zoomies and meal times)

    7. Wander*

      Have you gotten your cat checked for a UTI? Peeing outside the box can be a pretty big sign of that. Alternately, like others have suggested, the box isn’t clean enough for their liking.

      I never had luck with Feliway, so I can’t say for that, but I will say the litter Cat Attract worked miracles for my (not sick, just super, super picky) cat. I just use the main version, not one of the subsets (I know they have like kitten and outdoor and others), and it’s the only thing she’ll use.

      1. StellaBella*

        Agree on this. She may need a urinary check for crystals. My cat needs urinary tract food as we have too much calcium here in the water. Once 5 years ago this was sorted she is fine now.

        Box needs to be cleaned at least scooped once a day. Also the box may need to be larger too. I use a normal cat box in one place plus a large plastic box with 4inch high sides that is 20 inches long by 14 wide too.

        Also change water daily and give more wet food to encourage more peeing to avoid uti. Good luck!

        1. Wander*

          Seconding that urinary tract food is amazing for UTI prone cats. I had a foster years ago who got them repeatedly until we switched to food specifically for it, and then it stopped. His first set of adopters switched him off that food almost immediately despite knowing that, then returned him because surprise, surprise, he got a UTI and was peeing outside the box. Got that treated, put him back on the food, never happened again. His second set of adopters kept him on that food and, as far as I know, never once had an issue. It really does work wonders.

      2. Max Kitty*

        +1 Peeing outside the box has almost always been an indication of a UTI in my cats

    8. RC Rascal*

      One of my cats developed a little aversion when he was 10. I switched him to shredded newspaper & he was fine. I think he developed an allergy to a chemical in the litter. If you placed him in the box he didn’t want his paws to touch it.

      Same cat later started peeing in front on the box again. Turned out he was going blind & the area where the box was placed was too dark to see.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      If Arwen is upset/mad about something, she will often pee right outside the litterbox to express her displeasure. However, Arwen also sometimes is just plan terrible about aiming. I make sure all litterboxes are on hard surfaces that I can easily clean.

      For other cats, missing the litterbox can be a sign of illness or injury. A vet trip to rule this out is a good idea. Cats with arthritis will sometimes do this, because it’s painful getting into the box. Easing the pain or just getting a box they can get in/out of easier can help.

      Cats that have a behavioral aversion to the litterbox can also happen. This is the hardest to fix. I haven’t dealt with it, but I would talk to the vet as a first step.

      If up against the wall, try taping a piece of wax paper on the wall and letting it hang inside the box. that can redirect bad aim. If you need to create a hard surface, get a plastic chair mat, generally the big sizes, and put that under the box.

    10. Rainy*

      We struggled with our cat peeing outside the box after my husband bought the wrong kind of litter. She’s always had a high aim (she likes a certain depth of litter, and that and her stance means that sometimes she’ll just pee slightly over without meaning to), but when he got the wrong litter, she was just furious. It was the unscented of our normal brand, and I had to explain like he’s five that you can’t do that. She tried to tell me, too, but because I hadn’t been the one who bought it, it took me a few days to realize, at which point the damage was done.

      We got the right litter, but had to regain her trust with a sparkling clean box and a lot of reassurance, and we were just getting it under control when my horrible in-laws stayed for five days and stressed her (and the dog, and me) the fuck out, and it was happening worse than ever. Here’s what nicked the nick: we bought a spot bot and we carpet shampooed all the spots with oxy boost IMMEDIATELY they happened. We bought litter mats for all the boxes so that if she peed right outside, the litter mat would catch it. And we praised her EXTRAVAGANTLY every single time she used the box. Treats, brushing, pets, you name it. We threw her a birthday party every time she used the box when we were around. It took a few weeks of potty partying and that was what really fixed it. And now she’s fantastic again.

    11. Venus*

      Agreed with a lot of the suggestions. I only wanted to add that I have known many people who used Feliway successfully. I visited a friend years ago who had used it for a cat that was stressed, and suddenly he was friendly with strangers. It tends to work within days for the situations I’ve known, so if it hasn’t yet then you may be unlucky.

    12. silverpie*

      Can’t say for sure how long it took to work on our Luke, or even if it did, because we also brought home a new kitten at the same time (his sister, who had been rescued with him when they were tiny, had just died not long after we had lost an older cat, and he had licked his side bald from the stress). He quickly bonded with the new girl and calmed down.

    13. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      Please take kitty immediately to vet. Check for UTI/infections/kidney stones. Kitty may need a bigger box, cleaner box, more boxes, etc. Where is the litterbox? Is it hooded? Some cats hate that, If kitty is older, he/she may need a lower box as they have arthritis. Is kitty declawed? This can be a huge issue. Check with vet first.

  17. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Is there any good COVID-19 news out there? I know that’s a weird sentence, but… what I mean is, is there any place in the world where new cases have slowed dramatically or ceased, or the shelter-in-place rules are being lifted and life is starting to return to normal?

    I’m living in pretty much the epicenter of COVID-19 and everything is doom and gloom here, with no end in sight. Better news would be really welcome!

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I’m in the very weird position of having life being relatively normal, over here in Taiwan. New cases are slowing down, and are less than ten per day, most with clear sources (recent overseas travel, or related to another case). The government is still wary though – there are occasional cases with no obvious source of infection – and increasing precautions. It seems like South Korea and Hong Kong are also improving.

      We were lucky to have a government that learned from SARS (Taiwan was hit hard by it) and was really proactive when COVID-19 first appeared. The fact that the vice president is an epidemiologist by profession doesn’t hurt.

      We’ve started exporting masks to other counties – the US got a couple of million, and most of the rest went to Europe.

      Of course, all of my family, and my husband’s family, not to mention a lot of friends and colleagues, are overseas, so while my daily routine is fairly normal, the stress is still there.

      1. Julia*

        Japan is also strangely “normal”, which makes me and my Japanese friends who read international news very nervous.

      2. nep*

        Are people still practicing physical distancing? Seems like without it you’d need only one case for things to blow up again. Glad things are returning to normal for you. All the best.
        I watched an interview with Professor Kim Woo-joo from Korea University Guro Hospital the other day. Fantastic. One line that stands out (this is the translation): ‘This is science. You have to be humble. The moment we become arrogant, we’ll lose.’

      3. LizB*

        My friend (US resident) happened to be in Taiwan visiting her long distance partner when the US situation exploded, and she decided to just stay there until further notice (her college is remote for the rest of the semester anyway), and I was like… yeah, probably a good idea. Y’all seem to be doing a great job.

        1. allathian*

          Smart. I just hope she can get a visa easily. Tourist visas for 3 months were easy enough to get to most countries before travel restrictions kicked in, now it’s much harder.

    2. PX*

      Yup. Not sure what (if any) news outlets you follow but I’ve definitely seen that in China life is starting to get back to normal, even in Wuhan which was of course the poster child of the strictest quarantine. As AcademiaNut said, given that the virus moved East to west, most places in that part of the world seem to be coming out on the other side slowly.

      Plus cases in Italy and Spain seem to be slooowly flattening and Sweden is a weird island in Europe which has apparently managed to escape relatively unscathed and life there is still proceeding mostly as normal with minimal restrictions.

      So hang in there! As they say, this too shall pass.

      1. Copenhagen*

        Sweden is looking pretty bad at the moment. Sadly, the choice to continue living life as normal has resulted in a pretty steep infection and death rate now compared to their neighbouring countries where things are slowly stabilising.

        The good news: staying home seems to work very well. Denmark is doing pretty well at the moment, and the health care system has managed to buy time to prepare for more cases since the country went in to lockdown three weeks ago. We’re still allowed to go for walks, public transport is still open to those who need it (but we’re discouraged from using it for obvious reasons) and the grocery stores are fully stocked. It’ll be months, maybe even until the end of the year, before things will start to look normal again, but in the mean time we seem to have found a way where the health care system isn’t overloaded and where people are getting the care they need. I miss going out with my friends, but it’s a pretty small price to pay in the big scheme of things.

        We’re lacking testing equipment, masks and hand sanitizer like everyone else, but that seems to be a global problem.

    3. Anono-me*

      BBC News has an article showing improvement in Spain.

      On a hopeful note, both as to what is right with people and on the medical front:

      Sea Long Medical Systems out if Texas USA has a device that was developed to initially assist people in bariatric decompression chambers, but can make a huge difference for people in respiratory distress before they need to go on a ventilator. It’s a little mom-and-pop company that has ramped up exponentially.
      They have received an incredible amount of support from other medical device companies. A huge medical device company executive called them and said what do you need to expand. The people at Sea Long said they needed expensive machinery that they couldn’t pay cash for. Shortly afterwards, the machinery distributor called and said it was paid for and being delivered.
      Sea Long has made their design available for use but anyone who wants to.
      Additionally, in this time where everything seems to have gone crazy, Sea Long has decided to keep theicr normal prices of 160 something per unit.

      2. LibbyG*

        A wonderful story! I also love how it helps minimize the number of people who have to be intubated.

      3. Reba*

        Wonderful to read about people doing the right thing, running their businesses for human beings rather than max profits.

        Also seeing on twitter and other social that people who have recovered are being asked to donate blood for antibody therapy tests — that’s so exciting and it must feel meaningful to those who can help.

        Not relating to the medical side, but I really was cheered by reading the nytimes profile on the landlord that proactively offered rent forbearance to his tenants.

        1. On Fire*

          I’ve already made mental notes to spend money with L’Oréal, Columbia sportswear and Carhartt, because of how they’re responding. L’Oréal doesn’t make hand sanitizer, but they’ve committed to delivering 550 gallons weekly to the hospitals in my state, at no charge. We’re a rural state, but they have a plant here. This is a huge deal. Plus all the local breweries/distillers are making hand sanitizer to give away or sell for a minimal amount.

    4. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      My state (not US) is doubling cases at a rate of 9 days, up from 5 (and decreasing…) before restrictions started!

    5. Venus*

      I think it’s Denmark that just announced that they are looking to ease restrictions. Not today, but their cases are lower and they are making plans. When they do, it will be the first non-Asian country to do so. They started social restrictions on 11 March, so that gives us a frame of reference.

      1. Robin*

        Though they are talking about closing the bridges between Jutland and Fyn and Sealand over Easter to avoid mass family gatherings.

    6. Alston*

      Good news!

      Boston just got a machine that will be able to sterilize 80,000 masks a day for healthcare workers. There’s a limit to how many times a mask can be reused, but this is massive.

      It’ll be up and running on Monday, and it’ll be enough masks for all of Massachusetts, and possibly all of New England.

      They are sending machines to other parts of the US too.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is great, since they keep getting their requested supplies hijacked. Guess somebody doesn’t like Massachusetts. >:(

        I’m wondering why we can’t use tanning beds as an interim solution in smaller places. Tanning is horrible for you anyway; why not use them for something good?

    7. 653-CXK*

      Despite the stay at home advisory in my state (MA), everything is running as normal as possible for me.

      I’m still working (albeit from home), and the work is a welcome distraction, as keeps me away from the constant stream of fear and scare tactics blaring from my TV set. I don’t miss the daily commute to work, which involved hoards of kids piling onto the bus and going through a sketchy part of town, but that will return soon enough.

      I can get outside for a walk – I’ve always tried to keep physically distant from people anyway, so this is nothing new – but public transportation has been limited to healthcare workers and other essential people only; fortunately I am a healthcare worker (finance, but my position is essential), so if I needed to go anywhere, I have a letter stating so.

      Stores are slowly coming back to normal where I am after the onslaught of “OMG WE’RE GOING TO BE IMPRISONED FOR WEEKS – BUY UP EVERYTHING !!!!1!!!!” panic shoppers. My local pharmacy has no TP, but the local supermarket does (they’ve rationed it to one package per person).

      Restaurants are not available for sitdown, but takeout and delivery are doing a good business. I’ve tipped the delivery men and the tip jar far more than usual – and it’s a lot easier eating at home than it is in a cramped booth or with a crowd of people.

      Our governor here in MA has been nothing short of phenomenal. He has been far better than our current government and NGOs in keeping us informed, but when he corroborated with the owner of our football team and got those masks, and then distributed them to other states who really needed them, it reminded me of an episode in MASH where Radar had left and Klinger had to get generators for the 4077 – he had to do a little horse trading in order to get them, but it was ingenious (“I knew he had a little larceny in him”). His plan to hire “contact tracers” to find out if people who had the virus have infected others will not only help narrow down those who do have the virus, but will also give those who don’t some real hope that these restrictions in place will be lifted, as the hospitals and healthcare workers can concentrate on isolating the truly sick.

      Think of it this way – each day you and I and others are perpendicular, it’s a victory. It certainly beats the constant drum of doom and gloom at us each day – and we luckily have the power to turn it off and concentrate on something else.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Another one: if calm, balanced scientific analysis soothes you like it does me, you should REALLY read Derek Lowe’s “In the Pipeline” blog on Science Magazine. I find it very grounding. (@fposte, have you come across this one? I reckon you’d enjoy it.)

        1. fposte*

          Oh, thanks for the suggestion! Yes, you’re correct that I do like that kind of thing, and I didn’t know about this one.

          1. Drtheliz*

            Oh, if we’re talking about Dr Lowe, read his “things I won’t work with” bits of you want a good laugh. He’s excellent!

            1. NewReadingGlasses*

              Oh, that’s one of my favorite blogs! The comments are often very entertaining as well.

    9. MissGirl*

      Yes! I provide support for a California hospital. They projected numbers so high by this weekend they would be putting up tents and beds. So far no need for them. They still have a bed surplus. The flattening is helping. The projections for my state (not California) were 2 to 3 deaths a day at this point. We’re on day 3 with no new deaths.

      I also took all the big scary numbers and paired them with population numbers. US is below France, Italy, and Spain in infection rates. We are still far from a 1 percent infection rate.

      Our local tech companies paired with government officials to produce mass testing. Everyone in our state with symptoms is encouraged to test.

      When I ran the numbers on Wednesday, New York still hadn’t reached a 1% infection rate and their mortality rate is better than other places.

      Our efforts are helping. Let’s stay the course and know that are doing nothing is everything right now.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Thank you for saying something nice about NY. I’m in upstate. I go into stores just for food for myself and a couple older friends. I am so impressed with how, in general, everyone is being so kind and thoughtful toward others.

      2. Nita*

        Yes, the stats of NY are awful but the % increase in new infections and deaths isn’t skyrocketing. I think the quarantine may be working. News from local hospitals is that they’re overwhelmed and not getting enough protective gear, but so far still have room for all the patients and a little spare capacity. With the new medical space that’s been created, we might have a chance of not looking at a scenario where new patients can’t get care, period.

        At least, that’s the news for NY overall. I think things have hit the fan in my neighborhood this week. But this is the good news thread, so I’m not going there!

    10. GiantPanda*

      Germany has R_0 down from 3 to 1 which would mean the curve is flat. Scientists think that the full effect of social distancing is yet to come, we hope for less than 1.

      Numbers are still to be taken with a lot of salt though.

    11. ThatGirl*

      Chicago has started to flatten the curve, and it looks like the Bay Area is in decent shape too. Because the US is so big and spread out, we’ll see peaks at different times in different areas but I’m hopeful for my state.

    12. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Thanks, everyone. I’m fully aware that I could have just looked this stuff up myself, but the problem is that in order to get to the relatively small amount of good news, I have to sift through an enormous onslaught of bad news, and it triggers my anxiety, to say the least.

      1. Blueberry*

        I for one am glad you asked this question. I think this is an awesome thread, which you sparked!

      2. 653-CXK*

        Trust me, you’re not alone.

        What has helped me is listening to music and watching vintage game shows, not merely because I enjoy them, but it serves as a great distraction from the relentless fear p**n and PR horsehockey that the media is relentlessly slinging. (One this crisis is over, “social distancing” and “flattening the curve” should be shoveled into the dustbin of history, doused with whatever inflammatory agent is available, and lit to a roaring flame.) Maybe the media is hoping for the worst in this, but from what I’m reading in this thread, it looks like the worst the government is predicting won’t even be that (in fact, I would predict 5 to 15% of the mortalities of the worst – the deaths may be in the low tens of thousands versus the high hundreds of thousands).

        As I said in my previous post, working from home is also a huge help in keeping virus crisis at bay – although work itself introduces its own anxieties. I can only imagine if I were still unemployed (I was let go nearly two years ago and it took 10 months to begin working again) – at least during that time, I was able to get out of the house for interviews, taking a mental health break, etc. If that were the case today, I’d be going out of my mind. When I return to the office, I may do WFH once or twice per week.

        1. 653-CXK*

          Disregard that non-sequitur “When I return to the office, I may do WFH once or twice per week.” That should have been up in the other post I had.

      3. Anono-me*

        Actually I think this request for ‘good covid news’ was a wonderful idea. I hope that you consider repeating it in the weeks to come.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          I might. This has been a little bit reassuring.
          Thanks again!

    14. Is It Performance Art*

      In California and Washington State, the spread seems to be slowing. It’s also likely that because of the slowing spread neither state is going to have its hospitals overwhelmed by COVID-19.

    15. Perstephanie*

      Forbes had a fascinating article yesterday: “Coronavirus Lockdowns Cause Worldwide Decrease in Man-Made Seismic Noise.” Apparently the lessened traffic and human activity are showing up as calmer readings from seismographs across the globe.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Two new N95 manufacturing plants are coming online in the US from one of our big manufacturers. (One on each coast.)
      And if you haven’t seen the footage already, look up the mountain goats who have come down to explore a mountain in Wales. I wish I could get one to tether out on my front lawn.

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yes! My sister pinged me this from Bloomberg News:
      “New York State fatalities fell for the first time. Italy had the fewest deaths in more than two weeks. France reported the lowest number in five days and Spain’s tally fell for three days in a row.”
      **STAYING HOME IS WORKING.**

    18. NACSACJACK*

      Basic statistics here:

      Rate of positives per all tests – 3-3.4% (97% of tests come back negative)
      Rate of mortality per positives – 2.4% (98% of people who test are surviving)
      Rate of positives per US population: 0.1% of US Population

      The above goes in line what I remember calculating world-wide and in certain Western Europe countries as well as China.

    19. Rainy*

      A little late, but I’ve been glued to the IHME’s covid site for weeks now, and my state has, by their projections, successfully flattened the curve as long as we stay in distancing through May. They were projecting peak health resource use on April 16th and now they say it was Saturday.

      I refreshed it like three times because I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  18. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    After having it on my bedside table for the last two weeks, I have finally started reading The Left Hand of Darkness, by Ursula K. Le Guin. I’m only 70 pages in but am finding it much more readable than The Dispossessed. It’s definitely very interesting and I’m eager to finish it as I think I might start Wolf Hall, by Hillary Mantel next.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      Thanks to this thread last week I’m reading and loving the Murderbot series, waiting for #3 to be returned! It was the perfect quarantine read for me and it got my reading mojo going again, thanks the the person who suggested it!!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading Crooked River, the next book in the Agent Pendergast series by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. I’m enjoying it so far.

      I’m waiting on a new book, Walk the Wire by David Baldacci, which drops on April 21.

    3. nep*

      Finally starting Burmese Days; it’s been looking at me from the shelf for a while now.

    4. Academia blues*

      I read The Left Hand of Darkness when I was fifteen. So I found it very difficult to understand. The main character in particular was hard to sympathise with.

      So I’m looking forward to your impression because I’ve been wondering for a while how this book reads in current times.

      1. puffle*

        I’m the same as you, Academia Blues, I was about sixteen when I read it and found it quite baffling- maybe because I was used to books with a ‘good’ or at least likeable protagonist, and maybe because the concepts about sexuality and gender that it raised were completely new to me at that age.

        1. Academia blues*

          Yes, exactly! Thematically and narratively it was too much for me.

          It’s hard to make myself read it again but I’m sure I’d have a very different perspective now.

        2. Imtheone*

          I read it in college and have read it since. I liked it, and found the idea of a society where any given person could get pregnant whenever having unprotected sex very interesting. It challenges the notions that humans are divided into two groups, male and female. (And remember that it was written before many people had learned about transgender individuals.)
          The type of humans from this planet appear in various short stories by Le Guin, so it is nice to know something about how it all works. I highly recommend collections of Le Guin’s short stories.

    5. TimeCat*

      I am enjoying the 10,000 Doors of January. It’s light and enjoyable.

      I reread Jim Lovell’s Apollo 13 account for the 50th anniversary. Highly recommend, especially if you’re a space/engineering wonk. They dig into a lot of the nitty gritty.

    6. puffle*

      I’ve just finished Wolf Hall and thoroughly enjoyed it, I’m on Bring Up the Bodies now and have ebook version of the The Mirror and the Light lined up next in my online library reservations.

      It’s actually a much better book than I expected. I knew it had won a lot of awards and acclaim, but I’ve read lots of other award winners that just… weren’t that great/ didn’t resonate with me? Whereas with Wolf Hall I got halfway through and thought, “actually this is amazing”- it really captures the atmosphere of the times and I love the writing style

      1. TimeCat*

        I admit my hesitation to read Wolf Hall is based in the series, which I found just kind of okay.

      2. London Calling*

        I love Wolf Hall. I read that and Bring Up The Bodies before the BBC series, which I couldn’t watch because Mark Rylance wasn’t the Thomas Cromwell of who I had a avery strong picture in my head – Rylance came over as more cerebral than the Cromwell I envisaged – the bruiser, the go-getter, the fixer. That, however, was an opinion that if uttered generated a lot of abuse of the ‘oh you only like car crash and reality TV, you can’t appreciate GOOD DRAMA!.’

        1. allathian*

          That’s too bad. Reminds me a bit of my feelings when I heard Tom Hanks had been cast as Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code and its sequels. I had pictured someone much more like Viggo Mortensen for the role (Robert Langdon loves swimming and Viggo was a competitive swimmer in high school). I did enjoy the movies although I could never quite get over the feeling that Hanks was miscast. To be fair, I do like Tom Hanks in many of his roles, Forrest Gump, Catch Me If You Can, etc…

    7. Overeducated*

      Still reading Down Girl by Kate Manne. It’s very good, but it’s a dense book about misogyny and I’m very sleep deprived, so I keep finding myself closing my eyes or glancing at my phone. Almost done, then it’s back to fiction!

    8. GoryDetails*

      I really enjoyed Left Hand of Darkness, but I read it fairly recently; I don’t think I’d have cared for it if I’d tackled it in my youth. I appreciated the very different culture, and also the survival-story and galactic-emissary aspects; there was a lot going on, and I found it involving and very effective.

      As for what I’m reading now, I’m indulging in some darkish material (I like reading this kind of thing in the middle of actual disasters; if you prefer lighter fare, skip to the next post!), including:

      The Twisted Book of Shadows, a horror anthology that’s a labor of love in which the editors sent out wide-ranging invitations to as diverse a bunch of authors as they could reach, and then did blind readings of the submissions so as to choose the best stories without regard to whether the authors were well-known or not. The result is a really good collection of very creepy stories, some really disturbing, some darkly hilarious, with a nicely diverse set of characters.

      The House of Sounds by M. P. Shiel, containing a number of his short stories and his classic short novel “The Purple Cloud”. First published in 1901, it’s about a man who returns from an Arctic expedition to discover that not only is he the sole survivor of his team, but apparently the sole survivor of all humanity – a weird cyanide-laced purple cloud has wiped out nearly all air-breathing life on the planet. So far the story’s got some impressively horrifying scenes as this not-totally-admirable character reacts to the situation.

      On audiobook, I’m still listening to The Mirror and the Light, the conclusion to Hilary Mantel’s “Wolf Hall” trilogy. I knew it was going to be dark (what with Cromwell’s historical fate and all), but even at the halfway point it’s getting grim: the sense of living on a knife-edge, being surrounded by foes and haters, the subject of false rumors… It doesn’t help that the narrator reads the character of Spanish envoy Chapuys – a kind of “frenemy” of Cromwell’s – in an intentionally smug and smarmy way that raises my hackles!

      All that really does add up to some pretty dark reading, so I have a few palate-cleansers on the side, like the manga Silver Spoon, about a city kid’s struggles at an agricultural college.

    9. Valancy Snaith*

      If anyone wants to know, I can strongly recommend that Doomsday Book by Connie Willis is the WRONG book to read right now. This is the voice of experience.

      2. Tomacco*

        I love that book SO MUCH! I’ve actually been meaning to re-read it, especially right now, as I’m apparently someone who requires equal doses of exposure and fantasy during difficult times.

    10. PhyllisB*

      I just finished an oldie but goodie: Woman Without a Past by Phyllis A Whitney. I’m reading books I already own since library is closed, and somehow I missed this years ago. It was published in 1991 and it’s funny to remember a time when we didn’t have cell phones and electric typewriters were state of the art technology.

        1. Former Employee*

          Sue Grafton was such a lovely person. I met her once, briefly, at a book signing. She still had that soft Southern accent from Kentucky even after so many years in California.

          I already loved her books and was so glad that she made it easy to like her, too.

          For anyone who likes feisty, independent female characters, read Sue Grafton’s Alphabet Mysteries, featuring the indomitable Kinsey Millhone. Added bonus: All of them are set in the fictional town of Santa Teresa, CA in the 1980’s.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        Phyllis B, you migjt like using your library’s digital collection for more materials.

    11. ThatGirl*

      I need something new to read. I’ve enjoyed a lot of Alison’s recommendations. I am not much for historical nonfiction. I like character driven books, no matter the genre. I just finished Such a Fun Age.

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m on the third book of the Civil War series by Jeff and Michael Shaara (The Killer Angels, the second one, is the book that the movie “Gettysburg” was based on), should probably finish that one this weekend, and I just got a bunch of library e-holds all at once, but I think the next one is going to be “Becoming Eve” by Abby Stein, about her experiences of having been born the eldest son of an ultra-Orthodox Jewish family who was intended to be a major rabbinical leader, but identifying as a woman from a young age.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      Steampunk:
      Girl Genius novels (not the graphic novels, but the long version novels)
      They’re all titled “Agatha H. and the [blank]”
      Crazy, madcap steampunk.

      The Parasol Protectorate series
      Werewolf and Vampire steampunk series

      Also trying to do some career type reading to keep up-to-date.

    14. bassclefchick*

      I just finished The Sinner by J.R. Ward. The latest in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. It was AMAZING! And boy, do I have thoughts!! I seriously love Lassiter.

    15. Koala dreams*

      I never read The Left Hand of Darkness, but I read a short story set in the same universe. From what I remember the short story was quite interesting.

      I’ve read Hostile Waters (Huchthausen, Kurdin and White) this week. Very exciting thriller, but also quite a sad story. The Soviet navy was not a good employer. A Soviet submarine suffers damage and sinks in the golf stream.

    16. Tex*

      I loooove Wolf Hall. I read it three times, including a couple weeks, then re-read Bring Up the Bodies in order to read the third book in the trilogy, which came out just a couple days before stay at home orders. I’m half way done and must say it has a slightly different feel to it.
      You are in for a total treat, especially since you don’t have to wait years in between for the next book. If you haven’t seen the BBC miniseries (covering books 1&2), wait until you’ve at least read those two.

    17. Sutemi*

      I just finished Spillover by David Quamman, which is about how diseases cross from animals to humans. Some of the best science writing I’ve read and very timely.

    18. CatPerson*

      I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I am re-reading The Passage by Justin Cronin. I guess you could say that I’m leaning in to the viral apocalypse thing.

      1. Reba*

        I’m planning to reread Geraldine Brooks’ Year of Wonders, which is about the Black Death, so. And very interested to read N K Jemisin’s new one!

      2. Bluebell*

        I liked volume 1 and loved the TV series. But by book 3 I was exhausted and couldn’t finish it.

    19. Jedi Squirrel*

      Most of my books are still in storage, so I’m reading a best fantasy stories compilation from 2007.

    20. JobHunter*

      I am doing the 100 days of Decameron organized by the Iowa City of Literature. I’m only three chapters in, so I have no recommendations or judgements at this time.

    21. KoiFeeder*

      I got that book recommended on an earlier free-for all thread about real vs fictional private eyes. It’s good, but I’m a little concerned about the ethics of some of these real private eyes.

    22. NewReadingGlasses*

      I’m reading 100 Weird Tales. It’s very short short stories like 5 pages long, all with a twist. It fits my current attention span nicely.

    23. Princesa Zelda*

      Still cooped up with my Abigail Adams research. The most fascinating one for me is Adams Women: Abigail & Louisa Adams, their sisters, and daughters by Paul Nagel. Abigail’s sisters Mary and Elizabeth and her relationships with them are fascinating! The vast numbers of letters they wrote really bring their lives into a sharp focus, and they’re incredibly different and interesting.

      1. Imtheone*

        I suppose you read Diane Jacob’s book, “Dear Abigail: The Intimate Lives and Revolutionary Ideas of Abigail Adams and Her Two Remarkable Sisters“? I found it very interesting. I’m interested to try the book you mention by Paul Nagel.

        1. Princesa Zelda*

          Yep, I’ve got Jacob’s book too! I got it the day before my library announced our closure to the public, which was a RELIEF.

    24. Drago Cucina*

      Just finished Good Girls Lie by J.T. Ellison and The Other Mrs. by Mary Kubica.

      Fortunately I have several ARCs from the Public Library Association conference in February.

    25. Ermintrude*

      Wilding by Isabella Tree. Absolutely fascinating book about wilding their stately home estate, and learning how pretty much everything is interconnected.

    26. Emily*

      Interesting that you find The Left Hand of Darkness more readable than The Dispossessed. I think I felt the opposite, although it could easily have been reading order/mindset when I read the books, in my case – I read The Left Hand of Darkness first and struggled to get into it. I do intend to give it another try at some point!

      I’m reading A Tale for the Time Being, by Ruth Ozeki. I like it so far! I was disappointed when the ebook from my library finally arrived and it wasn’t available in Kindle format, but I’ve gotten over it and have been reading on my computer.

      I’m also listening to Crazy Rich Asians on audiobook when I go on runs/cook/clean (aka mostly as easy background listening). It’s fine, but not something I’d go out of my way to recommend. (Not to crap on people who do like it, though! People on my Goodreads have likened it to a Singaporean/Malaysian Gossip Girl, and it turns out that I’m not that into Gossip Girl.)

    27. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I finished Frederik Pohl’s “Gateway” recently and I’m on to “Beyond the Blue Event Horizon.” Still weirder than I remember it being. I think I missed a lot when I was younger.
      After that I’m giving myself a treat and rereading some Tamora Pearce. (Keeping my fingers crossed that the Lionsgate project for a Tortall Universe series is going to survive this meltdown.)

    28. SarahKay*

      Still working my way through my unread Georgette Heyer ebooks. I’ve just finished ‘These Old Shades’ and ‘Devil’s Cub’, both of which were excellent (thanks, General von Klinkerhoffen, for the recommendation) and now I’m on ‘Regency Buck’.

  19. Penny for your Thoughts*

    How are people volunteering/doing good during this crazy time? A friend of mine is doing Happy Helpers for the Homeless this weekend, which is great but I’m nervous about being out and about in public.

    1. Julia*

      I heard about volunteer translation gigs, but there are so many freelance translators out of work right now or underpaid already (like me) that I am torn about providing a service for free when no one would ask other professionals to do the same.

      1. NACSACJACK*

        Might help with medical – turns out not every state requires translators be paid. Friend of mine got his degree in English-Spanish Medical translation here, moved to Iowa which has a significant hispanic population due to agriculture only to discover they dont pay for translators whereas in my state, they do because its required by state law to provide translators if possible, on request.

    2. Ranon*

      I posted a few links up thread for the poster whose mom is sick of quarantine- if you have local orgs that serve seniors you might get in touch and see if they need volunteers for welfare check phone calls.

      I’ve also heard good things about our local food bank in terms of how they’re doing with social distancing and precautions if it’s otherwise safe for you to be out and about. Giving blood, same thing.

    3. Overeducated*

      I had planned to donate a stash of frozen breast milk right before things got bad, but didn’t have a chance to get to a testing lab for mandatory bloodwork first. I don’t know, now, if going to the lab is a terrible idea in terms of exposure or violates our stay at home order as a nonessential trip. I also don’t know if the milk bank is even open. But…the milk may expire by the time this is over, and I’d love to use my freezer too. Advice?

      Otherwise, I gave blood on my last day of work at the office, and have given money to a local food & family assistance charity. But I’m short on time with the kids home and work, so not volunteering.

      2. Ermintrude*

        Are there any fb groups? There’s one called human milk for human babies – not sure if they do USA but may be able to advise how to find a similar resource local to you?

      3. Biologiste*

        Contact the milk bank/testing lab and ask! Much like blood donation, the service is surely still needed even more now that their donations are dropping off. Many places are changing their practices in response to this in creative ways: for example, sending someone to your home to collect your blood, rather than have you come in, or if you are coming in, increased sanitization of surfaces between visitors and social distancing guidelines. They should be able to tell you whether they are still testing and what they are doing to mitigate potential exposure.

    4. Wander*

      Maybe a local food pantry? The one my mother volunteers at has been hard hit by this; they’re getting a ton of donations, which is good, but there’s increased demand and fewer volunteers right now. They switched to a drive thru model and have implemented physical distancing among the people actually there, so while it’s still out in public, it’s not as bad as grocery shopping. Obviously it’ll vary by location, but that might be a place to check if you’re interested.

  20. CoffeeforLife*

    Baking Thread!
    I’m making hummingbird cake today and some pizza dough (for tomorrow). My household went through 3 dozen compost cookies so that could be on the list again.

    Anyone have a crumpet recipe that doesn’t use baking rings (I have a craving but no rings)?

    1. BRR*

      Rose Levy Beranbaum suggests as a substitute for pastry rings strips of aluminum foil folded over itself multiple times.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My partner got a craving for cookies. Chocolate cookies. I unearthed some baking chocolate, sent him a recipe, gave him access to my precious stand mixer… no cookies. Oh well. He still makes great cocktails.

      I am kind of amused that I have been stress baking bread for years now, so I have plenty of yeast and a healthy sourdough starter. I baked two loaves this week. But I’m hesitating with more projects because Passover starts on Wednesday. No bread for 8 days.

      Trying to decide what to bake for Passover, but I might just stick to chocolate covered matzah and call it a day.

      1. LQ*

        We cannot seem to find yeast at groceries stores around here. A coworker and I have been talking about starting sourdough starters but they require a lot of hands on in the first week and we are working 80+ hours/week in the office so it’s not doable. I have only have enough yeast for maybe 2 small loaves left.

        1. Overeducated*

          Yeah, I’m hesitant to make sourdough starter because it uses a lot of flour over time, and that’s also gone in the stores now. Also I have tried and failed to revive a good starter twice since moving to my current city, so it could be a lot of waste for nothing. We didn’t stock up on yeast and flour because we didnt expect everyone else to suddenly turn into bakers!

          1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

            I always used my sourdough discard (alas, don’t have one now, may start up a new one) in my Saturday pancakes. Recently watched a Youtube video (don’t have link, title was something like 17 things to know about sourdough) where the guy just threw some scallions in there and fried it in a cast iron pan and it looked delicious! Particularly handy if you’re feeding but don’t really need to make a lot of bread that day.

          2. smoke tree*

            I keep my sourdough starter in the fridge and only feed it before I bake (and try to pick recipes that use a lot of starter), so I rarely have to throw it out. Sometimes I make pancakes when I really have too much. As long as you bake bread fairly frequently, it shouldn’t go to waste. Although I’ve had a hard time getting hold of flour, which is a separate issue.

        2. Jen Erik*

          Soda bread? Uses bicarbonate of soda as the raising agent, and is really straightforward to make.

    3. Just a PM*

      My grocery store just got a shipment of flour yesterday. It’s the first time they’ve had flour since late Feb when all the panic-buying started. I got a bag and I think I might make chocolate chip cookies. And I might be eating a lot of them before they’re baked. It’s coronavirus, right?

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        *I don’t* because I live on the other side of caution, but you could pre-bake your flour so that it’s ok to eat “raw”. But cookie dough is awesome… sometimes better than the finished product!

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          I mean that to say, I don’t bake my flour and just eat the dough. But wanted to throw that out there for those that are cautious.

        2. fposte*

          I think it’s the eggs even more than flour that’s the concern with raw cookie dough, though; the flour is a late add-on to the warnings based on a particular recall. I don’t serve raw egg recipes to other people, but I will eat them myself. Would I eat raw cookie dough right now? I don’t know, might depend on my area and the frequency of salmonella, but I know that I wouldn’t be able to make cookies without eating dough so I wouldn’t make the cookies if I wanted not to eat dough.

          2. ThatGirl*

            Salmonella from eggs is pretty rare, but raw flour can carry E. coli. Toasting it in the oven mostly eliminates that risk.

            1. fposte*

              Right, after the E. coli incidents in 2016, but there’s not much problem with flour since then; it’s a rare potential, same as with eggs. Personal radar is probably the biggest factor in how you respond to each possibility at this point (and also where you get your eggs, since backyard chickens has meant a rise of salmonella in poultry in some areas).

        3. PhyllisB*

          For US readers: this month’s Woman’s Day has a recipe for cookie dough pops that bake the flour and doesn’t contain eggs.

    4. Alston*

      I am hosting a NAILED IT! Zoom baking party tonight.

      Everyone is baking their own cupcakes and making frosting before we start this afternoon. My friend and I chose 6 different dog cupcakes for people to try and recreate. No one else knows what dogs, just that they are going to be making dogs.

      It’s going to be hilariously bad. We do have one hardcore home baker, and one professional pastry chef, but man, this is going to be special.

        1. Alston*

          Oh man, Zoom NAILED IT! Went amazing and I would highly recommend. Some people went hard core and made marzipan for noses and bows, some people were using leftover donuts and Nutella instead of cupcakes and frosting. Everyone just worked with what they could!

      3. ThatGirl*

        I love Nailed It! so much. I work for a baking and decorating supply company so I know what they’re doing wrong most of the time :)

      4. PhyllisB*

        Alston, that reminds me of a my own “nailed it” adventure. When my oldest granddaughter was in kindergarten I volunteered to make cookies for a class party. I found a simple recipe for peanut butter cookies shaped like mice. They were supposed to have the humped shape like a crouching mouse. Well, when those cookies came out those mice looked like they were flattened by a steam roller. Still looked like mice, but very FLAT mice. I didn’t have time to do over so I sent them on anyway. The kids were thrilled with them because they didn’t know what they were supposed to look like.

    5. Overeducated*

      I made the Smitten Kitchen one bowl blueberry muffins this morning. The first time I made them I thought they were just fine, this time they really hit the spot. I think the fact that they are quick enough to make before a baby in a high chair loses his patience impressed me more this time.

      This week we’re definitely making pizza dough, and also threw around the ideas of beer bread, chocolate oatmeal cookies, and English muffins. But we may have to ration our flour if we can’t replace it!

    6. Loopy*

      I baked some small 6 inch cakes earlier this week and am going to try my hand at decorating them this weekend. I also saw a recipe for copycat cinnabons but I don’t know if I’ll be able to find the yeast. I’ve seem to posts about making it/an alternative but I’d like to try the recipe for the first time with actual yeast. We’ll see if I can snag any.

      Slowly getting out of my baking funk.

    9. anonymouse for this*

      Am making no knead focaccia tomorrow – bon appetit recipe looks nice and easy. And you can leave the dough to rise in the fridge over night which surprises me. Always thought dough had to be left somewhere warm to rise.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Because you are doing a long rise you want the cooler temps of the fridge to slow down the yeast. The book, Flour, Salt, water, Yeast has some great long rise breads (but easily found reprinted on the web)

    11. Windchime*

      Yesterday I baked oatmeal cookies with white chocolate and cranberry raisins. I left out the cinnamon that the recipe called for. The cookies turned out SO GOOD. I was wishing that I had remembered to put in some walnuts, though. I spaced out on that.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Way back before Thanksgiving, my daughter & a friend took over my kitchen to make sugar cookies. They froze a roll of dough. Today I sliced some off and baked them in the toaster oven, and called over to the homework sofa ‘thanks for making cookies!” She was briefly, appropriately perplexed. And a bit of sugar was had by all.

  22. Mystery Bookworm*

    Normally I’m more of a lurker on these threads but I need to vent a little. I’m very fortunate to have a healthy baby girl and fairly generous maternity leave. My nine-month old was supposed to start nursery part-time this month (now cancelled, as the nursery is closed) and I was supposed to return to a work project that started later this month (now…up in the air?).

    I realize I’m very lucky to be in the position of getting to be home with my daughter, but…WOW do I miss regular adult interactions. I used to take her out twice a day (once to music or tumble classes) and later to sit on a playmat while I chatted with some other parents. I didn’t realise how much those excursions were helpful for my sense of personhood. My partner is home and he does his best to help, but he’s mostly in meetings or head-down coding, so I’m basically spending hours of the day alone in a bedroom. It’s a frustrating sort of work, because there’s a lot of effort that doesn’t involve much thinking, so you feel like you should be able to listen to a good podcast/lecture or do some reading or even do some research/writing. But there’s frequent enough interruptions that you can’t actually make good headway on anything.

    She’s so cute, but I’m so bored…and I’m really discouraged by the knowledge that my work project might be post-poned so I’ll have a few more months of maternity leave (again, something I acknowledge is a total privilege. I just wish I could share it and get back to work.)

    I am, however, deeply, deeply impressed with people who are working AND watching small children all day. Amazing.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’ve found that, even without a child to take care of, video chats with lots of various friends have really helped my mood.

    2. TimeCat*

      When I was on maternity leave after my husband returned to work, I listened to a lot of audio books and podcasts. It helped with the isolation.

    3. PhyllisB*

      Do you live in an area where you can talk walks? Put her in a stroller and head out a couple of times a day.

    4. Koala dreams*

      Can your partner take paternity leave? Maybe one or two days a week, if his work allows it. That way you can share the child caring duties.

      I’m impressed that you manage to take care of child that age without leaving your bedroom! Give yourself some credit! Is it possible for you to talk walks near your house with the stroller? Or at least put on some music while you’re at home?

    5. Quagga*

      You have my sympathies! Husband and I are both WFH with our 16-month old underfoot. Husband is also a programmer so he’s been frustrated with the constant interruptions. I know we are fortunate to be merely inconvenienced by the pandemic situation, but it’s still exhausting, aggravating, trying, tiring, etc. etc.
      I remember feeling like I should be able to do stuff while at home with the baby but just being constantly blocked in my efforts. It gets better. I know your husband is working, but these aren’t normal times. Hopefully you guys can do some balancing so you can get some you-time in once in a while.

      1. Nita*

        That’s a rough age. My 16 month old is a terror. She has broken so many things in the last month. I’ve given up and let her draw on the walls and floor with crayons, because this is the least destructive thing she’s capable of. She knows how to open the oven, open the trash and flush the toilet. I’ve caught her trying to drink liquid soap and eat power cords, chew unwashed produce before we can put it away, and jump on the couch. My husband isn’t working right now, but he’s tied up with the older kids’ online school most of the day and it’s taking him a while to realize that it’s no longer safe to walk out of a room and leave this child alone for five minutes – we’ve never seen such a tornado of destruction, so it’s a learning curve. I keep having to drop whatever I’m working on to remove the toddler from yet another situation. It’s not fun at all.

    6. Observer*

      Short podcasts can be great.

      A list of under 10 minute pods that might be of interest:

      The Indicator (Planet Money) – Economics
      Shortwave (NPR) – Science
      Business Wars Daily (Wondery) – Economics and Business
      Encyclopedia Womanica (Wonder Media) – History?
      Make Me Smart daily (MarketPlace) – Mostly economics and culture

    7. NACSACJACK*

      My mom went back to work as soon as I was 4 and my sisters were in school all day. She was done with her house cleaning by 10am and bored out of her mind. :) Dont sweat it too much.

  24. Lonely Aussie*

    Those of you living with parents/other family members, how are you coping? Being on lockdown with my parents has been interesting.
    I’ve been off work sick all week with some sort of throat infection. Parents also have been home. I love them but three adults in one small three bedroom house where we all have different ideas about the levels of risk and how to manage it is tough.

    Mum’s super freaked out and I’m legit worried she’s going to end up blue from all the silver she’s been taking. Every surface is being blasted with cleaning product. Everything that comes into the house is blasted with cleaner. She’s taking some super group of vitamins that supposedly boost the immune system. All the while sprouting conspiracy theories and muttering about plots to sell vaccines.

    Dad on the other hand, seems to have a grasp on the seriousness of the situation but needs constant reminders to wash his hands when he comes in, not to put things like packages and groceries on the kitchen benches (food prep areas) and that he needs wait for Mum and I to disinfect things after we’ve used them cause we’ve both been sick.

    I’m somewhere in the middle, zero interest in the conspiracy theories, silver or vitamins, but hands washed and keep outside stuff off the food prep areas please. Omg though, if I have to hear one more fight about vitamins, hand washing or the mail on the bench I’m going to lose it. Also, highly sensitive to the cleaning products so that’s been fun. don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful we’re mostly healthy, still all employed and have individual rooms we can get away from each other in, but it’s going to be a long six months. The thing I’m going to miss the most are those two hours on a Friday when they’d go and do the shopping and I’d have a blissfully empty house to myself.

    1. nep*

      I hear you. Live with elderly mom (who now goes nowhere except outside for the occasional walk). I’d been long overdue for getting out of here…well now that’s put off for a while.
      I wish you peace…and refuge in those rare moments you have the place to yourself.
      Hope you’ll recover soon.

    2. Just a PM*

      Could you go out and do the shopping for a couple of hours? It’s not the same as having the house to yourself, but heading out to the grocery store by yourself and taking the ridiculously long oops-I-made-10-wrong-turns way there and back could help restore a little bit of sanity.

      1. nep*

        I like this idea. I’ve been doing this…just taking extra long drives when I have to go out for a short errand. Only apprehension there is, just being out and about in a car presents the possibility–if relatively tiny–of an incident/accident, and during these times that’s the last thing I or our first responders/hospitals need. Another thing I like to do is sit in a parking lot near a park, near trees, to read a book. I can’t read very well inside this house, but I can focus on a book in the car.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Lonely Aussie said they had a throat infection. They shouldn’t go out if sick. If it’s COVID, you risk spreading it. If it’s not, having something else makes you vulnerable.

        1. Lonely Aussie*

          Love the idea though probably not suitable, though I wish it was. We’re being told not to hang around in stores or loiter outside of the home. Grocery shopping is also pretty fraught in our house, Mum has a very specific diet and a very small list of approved brands, an ever evolving list of brands.

          Will be looking forward to going back to work in next week or so, just to have a reason to get out of the house. Throat infection has been responding to antibiotics and from what the doc has said I should be able to go back when the coughing stops.

    3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’m having a super hard time. Dad has the TV on all day, only watching COVID related news at the highest volume and yelling death numbers at random, killing my concentration, my productivity and my reputation at work (see post in yesterday’s Open Thread). He only stops when he falls asleep and I rush to turn if off. Mom is the only one preventing me from throwing the TV or taping Dad’s mouth. At least he’s not trying to escape anymore, but the candy withdrawal is hitting him hard.

      1. Lonely Aussie*

        Aw man, massive virtual hugs that sounds incredibly difficult to deal with, it’s hard enough going online and being hit with it, let alone listing to it blasting through the house.

    4. tangerineRose*

      The silver sounds dangerous, and I think that it isn’t actually supposed to help. No idea if your mom would pay attention to that – you probably already told her.

  25. my daughter is a pot head*

    We’ve been struggling with my 16 y.o. daughter smoking thc for the past few months. I can’t even go into all the details but she seems to be quite addicted and we just discovered she has been sneaking out, getting in people’s cars, going to ATMS, hitting stores and buying weed and edibles. All upsetting behavior at any point, but super upsetting during this pandemic. I’m sure she did not use any social distancing, purell, etc etc.

    I am worried, angry, disappointed…

    Not sure about next steps. Addiction runs in the family and we want her off of this. She’s already in therapy but is lying to her therapist. I’ve know enough addicts in my life to recognize the behavior. Think we need an addiction specialist or rehab. Of course, she does not want to quit. Helps her with her anxiety (which she does have, I understand).

    Just wanted to vent. Can’t really tell anyone in my real life.

    1. PhyllisB*

      So sorry. I have dealt with addiction issues with all three of my children so I understand your pain. If you can get her into rehab or find an addiction specialist that would be a good thing. I wasn’t aware of my children’s problems until it was too late, and it was really hard going.
      My best advice is educate yourself as much as you can and reach out to professionals.

      1. my daughter is a pot head*

        Thank you PhyllisB. It’s been difficult to admit/believe our sweet daughter is in this situation.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Yep. I had the same problem. “My child would NEVER do that!!” Oh yes they would.

    2. Generic Name*

      Is she being medicated with prescription drugs for anxiety? It sounds like she’s self-medicating, which is no bueno. Also, how is she getting the money to buy? Maybe address that.

      1. my daughter is a pot head*

        Good points. Yes, she is on prescription drugs. Last year she was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, and when we discovered her thc use, her meds were adjusted. She said that things were now balanced and she quit smoking…yet we keep discovering she is still smoking. I do not doubt her at all about the anxiety and in fact if she decides in about 10 years that that is how she wants to manage it, I would not have an issue with that.

        She makes money babysitting – which I will have to start confiscating (once she starts up again after the pandemic is over). And she also makes money online editing photos for peoples’ social media accounts. It’s pretty crazy how much she has set up in her digital world – venmo, paypal, etc etc. Very little of it goes through traditional banking accts that I had set up for her. In fact I discovered the recent sneaking out by checking the bank acct I set up and seeing the ATM withdrawals.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I thought about this a little further, and I’m going to actually say don’t confiscate any money she earns herself. Lock down the bank account if it’s not solely her money, or at least make sure she can’t get anything that’s not solely her money out of it, and definitely make sure if you give her any of your money that she’s using it properly, but 1) if you confiscate her money, she’s more likely to get better at hiding what money she has from you than to use money responsibly and 2) if she has to start sneaking around and hiding her funds, she’s less likely to come to you if something bad happens with them.

          Honestly, my biggest concern here is the social distancing issue- she almost certainly isn’t, and she has no idea if her dealers or the other customers of her dealers are. She’s putting herself and you guys in a lot of danger.

          (Also, one small little thing- is she taking her ADHD medication and marijuana? If so, I just want to impress on you that it’s incredibly important that she use marijuana with a trusted person nearby. ADHD medication and marijuana are a dangerous combination, and if she’s going to be using, you absolutely do not want her using unsafely. It may feel weird and like you’re being a bad parent to allow her to use in the garage or on the porch, but if something goes wrong, you definitely want to be nearby, because it goes wrong fast with that combo.)

        2. Sunset Maple*

          From the perspective of the spouse of a forty-something with ADD: script after script after script just did. not. work. for him the way weed does. One med for attention span, one med to dull his brain enough to sleep, one med for the anxiety that struggling with his disorder brings, and endless bloodwork to make sure that flooding his system with that crap wasn’t murdering his kidneys. (Surprise! It was!) What’s the point? Just smoke the damned joint.

          I’m never going to be okay with weed, whatever argument or diatribe you throw at me. I’m a goody-two-shoes who grew up in the DARE era. But I can’t deny that it works for him, and it does less damage to his body than the meds did. So I tolerate it.

          Self-medicating is RAMPANT with ADD. It’s a constantly evolving disorder, featuring lack of of patience and impulsive behavior, often treated by fat-soluble meds that take a while to kick in at full strength.

          I’ve never raised a teenager, so I can only imagine how scared and out of control you feel, seeing her current behavior. My best suggestion is to talk to her, about everything, in detail. What symptoms is the thc use addressing that the meds are not? What symptoms is she experiencing that she can’t or won’t tolerate? Has her med tolerance changed, or was she not being fully honest about the meds’ effects? Talk to her about her needs and feelings FIRST, because let’s face it–yelling about breaking quarantine first won’t work. Teens aren’t big on empathy.

    3. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      So sorry about your situation.
      Particularly worrying because the substance use is putting her … and the household … in danger of the virus.

      If she’s not ready for rehab, or if there’s no beds, maybe taking some time to see if there are new strategies for anxiety. Use social distancing as an excuse to try a new skill like yoga or meditation. Or start doing a collaborative project together … baking or crafting or reading out loud.
      My instinct would be not to push hard on the the addiction angle unless you’ve got access to resources to address it. The last thing that would be helpful now is to have conflict about it. But reaching gently to heal root causes or to build a different set of relationships might be a way to reduce the behaviors in the short term. And distraction might help.

      1. my daughter is a pot head*

        Thanks… we have been baking. and watching Arrested Development as a family. Definitely trying not to fight about it and create a conflict filled environment while we are all trapped here together.

    4. Llellayena*

      I have no experience with addiction, myself or people I know, so take this with a large container of salt, but:

      What about during the COVID crisis focusing on regulating how much pot and safe ways of getting it rather than trying to get her to stop altogether? If you can find an amount that helps her anxiety and a form of it that can be obtained safely during social distancing and hand washing times, maybe that’s enough for now?

      1. Reba*

        I had a similar thought: deal with the failure to social-distance as the urgent matter.

        Changing dependency on weed is a long term project.

        I wonder if a product with CBD, which is available legally in many places, might be a compromise that keeps her inside. Many adults I know take CBD to take the edge off everyday anxiety.

        Re: sneaking out and being private about her accounts, I mean yes that looks like dependency, but it also looks like teenager-hood, trying out her independence from you. It’s unacceptable in these circumstances, but I guess I’m trying to say that it’s maybe not that extreme a behavior in itself. (Disclosure, speaking as someone who snuck out without any drugs involved, and my big sister too.)

        1. Reba*

          To add, OP you are a caring parent and I wish you and your family the best as you work through this!

      1. WellRed*

        Whoa! Rude. And people do become dependent on it. I’ve seen it more than once. Also, her daughter is underage. Tired of people acting like it’s entirely harmless.

      2. Not a cat*

        Thank you. The anxiety meds prescribed by most doctors ARE addictive, not marijuana.

      3. Pieforbreakfast*

        Dependency to cannabis is definitely a real thing that happens, not with everyone who uses it but some people. Same as other substances. Yes, “addiction” clinically refers to the biochemical changes that can occur with some substances, but the terms are often used interchangeably with lay people. And you know, NEITHER one is good for a person’s health and well being.

      4. my daughter is a pot head*

        Wow, Penny Parker. I’m not sure what the point of your post was other than to be mean-spirited. Way to kick someone when they’re down! Maybe my daughter is not physically addicted but is psychologically. And it sucks. But hey, thanks for the “education”.

      5. KoiFeeder*

        She’s breaking quarantine and endangering her family to access marijuana. Does the word choice really matter that much in this circumstance?

      6. tangerineRose*

        People get addicted to gambling, so it seems like they could get addicted to weed too.

    6. Sam I Am*

      The most immediate problem is the social distancing thing. Perhaps this becomes “the reason” to go out when she would need to find “a reason” to go out anyhow, as a teenager I would have jumped at pretty much any chance to go anywhere.

      Have a librarian point you in the direction of some good, peer-reviewed and published research; the biggest issue is likely that her beautiful brain hasn’t finished forming yet, which would be the worry about alcohol use at her age, too. Kids don’t need to be treated like they can’t understand complex issues, and brain development is a complex issue. You guys can learn about it together or simultaneously. It will help her make more informed decisions down the road.

      Also, regarding not telling anyone in your real life, I hope you can find a way that allows you to speak about this. One problem with substance use and substance abuse is the taboo on speaking about it. This is an excellent thing for us to try to change in society. Your family and community may have terrible reactions to knowledge of your daughter’s cannabis use, and rightly you don’t want to share medical information about her without her consent.
      However, the only family and friend that have sustained addiction recovery for multiple years were both clear that hiding in the shadows was destructive. Each of them may have had a shorter path to recovery if these things were de-stigmatized. You can’t change society all by yourself, but perhaps having ongoing conversations (about drugs) in your family unit will normalize the conversation. It may help her ask you questions if she sees your family demonstrating the same thing with each other, as you learn more about this particular chemical, what it does to adults, what it does to youth, it’s social history, the political history, etc…these side topics may be easier to broach than “YOUR USE OF DRUGS,” know what I mean?

      This is hard stuff but you can do it, push through the uncomfortable space yourself and she may be able to follow. I’ll be thinking of you.

    7. SendingSympathy*

      I don’t have a lot of advice for you, but I do have a lot of sympathy. As someone who is dealing with two underlying health conditions, and has a daughter with anxiety who goes out driving, and is vaping again and may be back on weed again, I’m trying to do my best. It sounds like you are trying to do your best also, and it’s great that you guys are at least have a few activities to share together. My daughter who is over 20, mostly just wants to watch TV in her room or go out driving, even when we offer options of games and movie watching together. She was in treatment in early March for anxiety and depression when things fell apart, and we won’t let her look for a job right now. Ideally we’d tell her to move out but it’s totally unrealistic in this pandemic. She’s on antidepressants which seem to be working some, but staying at home is hard on all of us. Virtual hugs to you.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      The picture of the two dogs and a cat sleeping together on their backs really got me! Thank you!

      1. nep*

        Yesss. The site is pure joy. Such beauty. Nature, interiors, lines of poetry here and there…

  27. coffee cup*

    I found working from home a struggle this week and I don’t know why. I’m a natural introvert, but I do enjoy socialising and chatting and feel that the balance of having that at work with my colleagues and then having alone time is useful for me. But even so, I am often fine spending time alone… I just found it so hard to focus, which isn’t what’s needed in my job.

    Sorry, this isn’t a work thing, but just how to get out of the small slump. I live alone and am pretty good at keeping myself going, but I’m also still getting used to my SSRIs and it’s harder to keep resilient without being able to see my family or anything and get a hug.

    I shouldn’t complain! I have it better than a lot of people. Just finding it difficult, y’know?

    1. Mystery Bookworm*

      My partner is struggling with this as well. Not sure if this is something you need to hear as well: but just a friendly reminder that being introverted doesn’t mean you need to have an easy time self-isolating.

      As we learned from Matilda, there’s a huge and significant difference between helping yourself to something you love (a slice of chocolate cake, perhaps) and being forced to have large quantities of that thing.

      I think it’s totally understandable that you’re struggling with focus right now. I hope you can be generous with yourself!

      1. coffee cup*

        No, it’s definitely useful to hear. I think I just assumed I’d be fine, but turns out I like to separate work and home and I like to drive to the office and chat to colleagues and then come home and hibernate. I find it hard not to be harsh on myself!

        1. Tau*

          Honestly, I find a lot of the introvert discussions get a little… simplistic… on this front. I harp on this by now, but seriously: humans don’t do well in complete isolation. Even if you like spending time by yourself, even if that’s what recharges your batteries, it is still perfectly normal to want to spend (some) time with (some) people, and 100% understandable if you start getting distressed and unhappy if that is suddenly taken away from you.

          Especially considering the context it’s happening in! I mean… it’s a global pandemic. It would probably be more surprising if you were absolutely fine with everything.

          1. Mystery Bookworm*

            And also the “recharges my batteries” analogy is an imperfect one, really. Even deeply extroverted people would be emotionally spent with ZERO alone time, similarly, introverted people can gain motivation and energy from being in pairs or small groups — we’re complex beings, allowed to gather emotional resources from a variety of fronts.

            1. Tau*

              Yeah, I didn’t want to get into Tau’s Problems With The *Vert Thing but this also gets to me. Like, nobody does well with zero social contact, and nobody does well with zero time spent alone. It’s points on a spectrum, not absolutes. And, as you say, you can gain energy from different sources at different points in time, and we’re more complex than “what recharges my batteries”. I mean, Very Bad Things happen to my psyche both if I don’t have lots of time alone and also if I don’t have a decent amount of regular social interaction. Fairly different bad things, but neither option is fun to deal with. Reducing that to “introvert!” or “extrovert!” would be missing a lot, and I can’t imagine I’m that unusual here.

              1. Mystery Bookworm*

                I’m kind of glad to other people have this hang-up as well! It’s always bothered me a bit.

            2. Overeducated*

              Yeah, i have literally never talked to anyone who identifies as an extrovert under this definition, even a good friend whose need for daily contact I found utterly exhausting when we grew up together. The fact that there are “two types of people” but I somehow have only ever met one makes me think there are some issues with the concept.

        2. Overeducated*

          I feel the same way! My office is pretty quiet and we don’t talk a lot about oir personal lives, but the daily contact and routines were grounding and I miss them. It’s ok to mourn and miss the little things too.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I’m an introvert who works from home, too, and I don’t always go out that much, but it’s tough knowing I can’t go out and do things that I might want to do.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      YOU CAN COMPLAIN. Sure, other people may have it worse, but that doesn’t mean you’re not stressed and frustrated and dealing with your own problems. This is difficult!

      Ok, yelling over. This week was ROUGH. One thing I try to do is indulge the lack of focus. Like, I take 15 minutes and do something else. Because pushing through can sometimes be worse than that break.

      But above all, please be easier on yourself. Kinder to yourself. Don’t scold yourself for feeling less than good.

      1. coffee cup*

        Yeah, I would say the same to others, I’m just a bit hopeless at saying it to myself, haha. Thanks. I beat myself up too much. I do think I should be using this time to do productive things like learn something new, get writing, etc… but most days I’m just not up for it.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          One of my girlfriends said yesterday that she is getting tired of setting up online happy hours. I totally get it! There’s this weird pressure to make all of these social plans, and that can get exhausting just like it would in normal times. You don’t need to be productive just because someone else tells you to.

    3. Alan*

      This is exactly how I’m feeling. I live on my own and I’ve never had any problems spending 90% time in my own company. Just realising that there is a big difference between 90% and 100%.

    4. Belgian*

      This is me as well. I’m an introvert, but I’ve found I need the interaction at work to feel good. Can you set up a videochat using Skype/Zoom/… or a water cooler-channel in something like Slack? I’ve found those to be helpful to get some of my social needs met.

      This is a stressful time. It’s perfectly understandable to not be fine during it.

    5. Dan*

      Yup to you and Alan. I am so, so glad that I don’t have more than just me in my ok-sized apartment. But I set my life up to have a balance, not be full-on socially isolated. I’m dealing with it fine for now, but it’s not my long term strategy.

      My boss is a remote teleworker and lives in a real house so has a proper home office. Me? Not so much. I was talking to him Friday night, and he says, “have a good evening.” And I was like, “so you know evenings these days consist of me relocating my butt 15 feet from the dining room table to the living room couch, and my work computer screen is in view any time I’m not sleeping.”

      As mentioned, dealing with it fine, but this is not my long term plan.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        So this may sound ludicrous Dan but when I was first working out of the house long ago, it was within sight of my bed. I found that that one little LED light on the monitor drew in my attention. One night, I got irritable and tossed a bedsheet over the whole thing…and I slept better. Obviously watch out for heat issues if you don’t fully power down, but it’s worth a try.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      CC, We are living in a world-wide horror remake of ‘Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.” This is beyond introvert or extrovert. “Just” the stress will make us forgetful and make it hard for us to stay asleep at night.
      I have no good answers except I do feel better when I get outside, even if it’s just standing on my front steps wrapped in a blanket, huddled against the wall out of the rain. We had a gap in the weather yesterday, and I rode my bike to the recycling dropoff point. Gonna need a bigger backpack….that’s worth doing again.

  28. Just a PM*

    I don’t live with my parents (we’re a few hours apart) but they want me to come down and stay with them for a couple months till all this goes over. Anything more than a weekend with them drives me nuts. I’m an introvert. I like being alone and I’m not lonely. I like the routine I’ve made and going to stay in an uncomfortable house, sleeping in an uncomfortable bed, and dealing with uncomfortable nosiness stresses me out. I’d stay isolated in my old room like I did in school 15 years ago, coming out only for food.

    I don’t think it helps that all they do is watch the news. I think it is making them too paranoid about everything. I’m glad they’re taking the coronavirus seriously but it‘s worse than annoying to deal with the “you can’t do things alone and you can’t be alone” mentality all over again. Is anyone else having similar issues with their parents or relatives? How are you coping or managing this?

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      “Gee, that sure does sound like an idea, doesn’t it? But I would hate to be traveling and maybe bring something into the house, or have something happen like a water leak in my place that I wouldn’t know about for weeks. Why don’t we check in at supper time every day so I can make sure you’re fine?”

      Anxiety jujitsu.

      Check in, refuse to talk about the news, and check out. If they can’t help but being nosy, suggest they do check ins with other shut ins.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You’re an adult, with your own place. Why in the world would you go stay with your parents during a pandemic? It’s not like they can keep you safe! I suspect this is worry/anxiety, and if you can address the emotion driving this that might help.

      My parents haven’t asked. I’m sure my mom would love it if my sister or I were staying with them. But I have cats and am working. My sister is in a hot spot (there’s multiple cases in her apartment building). My parents are in a big hotspot. It doesn’t make sense for anyone to go anywhere. Plus, if I were there, I’d just make her clean the house top to bottom and she hates cleaning.

    3. Teal*

      We may be twins! More than 2 days (sometimes 5 mins) is too much. Semi uncomfortable house, crap childhood bed, forget trying to work – interruptions by all family members throughout the day. Even though my husband is away, I am alone but not lonely.

      I live less than 2 hours away from parents and grandparent, and while they haven’t exactly suggested I live with them the whole time this thing is going down, they would like me to visit. Culturally, it’s expected (regardless of this pandemic). My mom still gives me a hard time that we didn’t buy a house in their town, but I digress.

      What have I done? I went to their house for a few days at the very beginning of shelter at home (mid March) and helped them with some technical items, ensured everyone had what they needed, and came back to my house where I’ve been since. That was 2 weeks ago. I went to the store this week and will stay home for 14 days. I legit do not leave the house, except to force myself outside for a daily walk to feel the sun on my face. After 14 days, I may drive up and visit them for 2-3 days, bring them anything they need, come back home, and repeat the cycle.

      It’s a weird time…what do you want to do? Do you want/need to visit (e.g. to help with groceries or anything)?

      I know my current routine (quarantine 14 days, short visit, quarantine 14 days) stems from a little guilt and cultural expectations. I would a a suggest you stay put and do what is best for you, but I understand there may be additional things at play that are out of your control.

      1. Teal*

        I’d like to add, of course follow your state/local rules. If your parents are okay, then stay home. Take care of yourself :)

        Hugs.

    4. Alex*

      I’m in the exact same situation. My mom wants to “be together during this crisis” and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do less.

      I just said no, which is a complete sentence! Of course she was like whhyyyyyy and I just said, “I’m just not doing that. I live here, and I want to be at home.” In my experience, giving fake excuses rather than actual reasons doesn’t work, because excuses can have counter-solutions.

    5. Buni*

      My parents were all “You’re High Risk! You shouldn’t be in the Big City! We’ll come down and get you!” and I was just ‘hahahahaNO’.

      I love my parents dearly, I even love spending time with them, but I am also an introvert who needs her empty flat. I call in twice a week, I constantly assure my Father that I do indeed have ‘the Netflix’, and I just… sound cheerful every time I call.

  29. I hate the offseason*

    BLUF. I am anxious about my dad but there is not much I can do about it. He’s 90 and has health issues. He has dementia as well, and it is aggravated by the stay at home order. He’s been going out for any reason he can. He forgets that his club is closed and gets agitated about it. He has threatened his live in GF because she tries to stop him from leaving. He dashes out the door when she is in the bathroom. We need to take his car away.

    So I’m worried that he’s going to get the virus and also give it to his GF, who is in her 80s and also has health issues. I live 400+ miles away. I call, but he doesn’t listen. I feel helpless. At least he’s going to see the doctor on Monday about increasing his meds for his memory issues.

    He’s 90 and I’ve kind of been mentally preparing myself for his death anyway, but the added stress of him just seemingly courting it is hard some days. I’m kind of angry with him.

    Sorry for the vent. Just don’t know what else I can do.

    1. Ranon*

      Are there any organizations local to him that serve seniors that might be able to help you? I bet, if nothing else, you’d be able to make contact with someone else who gets how hard what you’re dealing with us. You’re certainly not alone!

    2. LGC*

      Oh man. I’m really sorry, and that sounds difficult. And the easy solutions don’t work because you’re so far away. I can’t imagine what…well, both of you are going through. Since you mentioned he has dementia, he probably doesn’t fully understand what’s going on. And obviously, you’re worried about his death in a way that’s really immediate.

      I’m not sure if you want suggestions, so I’ll hold off for now.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Dementia sucks. It really, really does. People think cancer sucks, and it does, but not the same way that dementia does. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. There really isn’t a solution. It basically just goes downhill, sometimes faster than other times.

      The doctor appt is good, but it’s not just the memory issues. The threats, repeated going out, and running out needs to be specifically addressed with the doctor. Meds to handle the emotional/behavioral issues can be tricky in dementia patients, but they might be worth considering. Or there might be other things the doctor can suggest.

    4. Reba*

      So sorry, that’s really difficult. Even without pandemics this is hard!

      Please address the car thing ASAP. It’s extremely fraught because car = independence, “normal life.” But it’s so dangerous. My grands’ doctor conducted a test for them and licenses were first restricted — but then they couldn’t obey/remember the restrictions — so then revoked.

    5. Llellayena*

      What about putting reminder notes where he’ll see them when her tries to leave? “Your club is closed, you don’t need to go there.” “There’s a virus making many people sick, we need to stay inside.” It takes the burden off of a person to try to remind him, since the dementia is making him belligerent when a person tries to convince him.

    6. Voluptuousfire*

      :fist bump of solidarity: I’m the primary caretaker of my 84 year old dad and he’s got some stripe of dementia. Luckily he’s ok-ish but I completely understand the idea of mentally preparing for their passing.

  30. Ada*

    Any ideas on things to do for a caregiver when you can’t really *do* anything for them? My sister-in-law is taking care of my mother-in-law, who had stage 6 Alzheimer’s, in addition to her two young kids and working a job of her own. If we were nearby, I’m sure we’d be over practically everyday to help, but she’s clear on the other side of the country, so we can’t provide a break that way.

    Back when my husband was working, he’d provide every other paycheck to her (which wasn’t nearly enough to make even a dent in the cost of her treatments), but he ended up dealing with health issues and has been mostly out of work for the past few years, and sending a portion of my salary wasn’t an option, because I was barely making enough for the two of us to scrape by (I’m talking the occasionally skipping meals to make sure we could put a tiny bit of money into emergency savings kind of scraping by). We’re doing a little better now, but only by enough to start rebuilding our own finances to what they should be.

    My husband was never that close to his sister, and they fought a lot growing up. He’s tried to at least reach out on an emotional level, but she doesn’t seem to be interested in that right now, especially coming from someone who’s not providing any real help. So we’re really at a loss as to what to do. It’s not right to have her shoulder the entire responsibility herself, but without a way to help in person or financially, I don’t know what other options we have. (And for the record, we have tried asking her how we can help, and offering to do research/look up resources for her, and she turned us down. But based on certain messages she’s sent my husband, we know she’s upset he’s not helping more.)

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      She’s upset he’s not sending her every other paycheck. That’s what’s really got her bugged.

      I’ve read your post twice and it seems all she wants is the money. Since that’s not an option for you anymore, and she’s refused all your other offers of help, there really isn’t anything you can do for her. You’ve done all you can for her, so stop beating yourself up for not doing more.

      Sometimes family sucks.

      1. Fulana del Tal*

        That’s really negative view of the SIL. She is taking on all the physical, emotional and now financial stress of caring for MIL. That’s what she needs help with. It’s an unfortunate situation but no one in this situation sucks.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Yeah, no, she’s turned down all the other non-financial aid they’ve offered. She wants the money and isn’t interested in anything else.

          1. fposte*

            I think it’s likelier that this is somebody who’s stressed and unhappy and overwhelmed with being sole caretaker for a very high-maintenance patient, that between finances and coronavirus she feels that more keenly than ever, and the loss of the financial contribution made it clear how absolutely alone in this she is. In a situation like that, there often isn’t anything you can do at a distance but send money–it often takes more work to give people the necessary information and details than it does to handle bureaucracy directly–and now even that’s gone.

            That doesn’t mean Ada and her husband are making a wrong choice here either, but I think Sister gets to be bitter about her lot here without being considered mercenary.

            1. Viette*

              Yeah. Everyone’s who’s on here ripping into the sister-in-law because she ‘just wants money’ — she probably *does* want money! The OP said that every other paycheck “wasn’t nearly enough to make even a dent in the cost of her treatments”. The OP is broke but by all accounts so is SIL. Her brother can’t physically attend to their mother, and for all that he wants to help her, SIL is clearly bearing a huge burden that he is not. He’s not moving across the country to help her (which is difficult and costly but it *is* a thing some people do), just offering emotional support.

              When you’re exhausted and/or really broke and someone says, “no money or physical labor but what *else* can I do for you right now,” often the first thought in your head is, “supportive emotional conversations do not pay my bills or get my work done on time.”

          2. Fulana del Tal*

            Yeah, no , asking to up look up resources is little help to what the SIL actually needs which is respite caretaking/financial. If that’s the only help being offered it’s useless to SIL. It assume those options weren’t already researched. It doesn’t make anyone the bad guy it’s just the reality of the situation.

          3. Sunset Maple*

            Do you have any idea what stage 6 looks like? MIL has lost control of her bodily functions and she’s wandering while losing mobility and depth perception, which means that she needs constant attention, is soiling herself, and is probably breaking household items. She’s probably lost facial recognition, and is likely violent towards her caretakers.

            Someone working a job, caring for children, and looking after someone in stage 6 is losing her damned mind, not looking for a payout. Being bitter and lashing out isn’t helpful, but it’s understandable.

          4. Traffic_Spiral*

            But they don’t have any meaningful non-financial aid to give, do they? Like another poster said, “aw how sad, would you like my google search of things you could do better” isn’t help, it’s 2 degrees removed from saying “have you tried MLM essential oils for your chronic disease?”

            I get that OP’s in a rough spot, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s dumped all the care of his mom onto his sister, and that’s the sort of thing that makes a sibling angry.

          5. Observer*

            What have they actually offered her? She doesn’t need a shoulder to cry on – at least not from someone who is too distant to really understand what she is dealing with and “doing research and connecting … with resources” doesn’t really do much for her.

            I get that the OP is not in a position to do much else – this is totally not their fault and they shouldn’t beat themselves up about it. But you really need to back off. SIL is taking on a huge task which has been made exponentially more difficult in the current situation. She is not being totally reasonable, but it is totally understandable to anyone who has dealt with that kinds of thing.

    2. Tex*

      Can you entertain the kids or the mom for an hour or so every day via the internet? Face time or zoom? Maybe be the one to read them a bed time story (or help with homework) so your SIL can get an hour to herself?

      2. Sam I Am*

        You can play board games with the kids via video chat too, keep the monopoly or candy land or chutes and ladders board set up at your place and play for 30 minutes each day until the game finally ends?

      3. Ada*

        This is actually a really good idea! The kids are just now getting old enough that this could work. Maybe we can coordinate with my BIL so he can take care of my MIL while we occupy the kids on a regular basis so my SIL can get a little rest. We’ll suggest it and see if we can work something out. Thanks!!!

    3. Jen Erik*

      I think asking is the right thing to do, particularly if she’s telling you that she’s upset.

      My mum ended up being the sibling mostly looking after her mum, and it turn I was the sibling looking after her. I think it was a privilege, and I’m glad and grateful I got to do it, but it was hard, and I did sometimes resent that everything landed on my shoulders. The only thing I can think of – and you sound lovely, you’re probably doing this – is don’t critisise, and be really, really careful about making helpful suggestions because it’s easy to hear them as critisism. And perhaps your part of the burden is to allow her to be upset without holding it against her. She must be very stressed.

      I did also appreciate, though I wouldn’t have thought to ask for it, that after my mum passed my siblings… this is hard to put into words, but they prioritised my feelings and needs over their own. Like in discussions about the funeral, or who took what from the house, they made a point of putting me first. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate, for example, having the headstone the way I thought it should be.

    4. valentine*

      You can tell her flat that you’re at a loss because she’s having it both ways, and that either she tells you what she wants or stops complaining. After all, un- and underemployment, especially when you could now really use the money you gave them, is a massive stressor that hubs and you are dealing with. She needs to vent elsewhere.

      And if you can build up your savings, hold on to them.

      1. fposte*

        That seems harsh. She’s the sole caretaker for the man’s mother; he should at least be able to contribute a sympathetic ear.

      2. Fulana del Tal*

        That’s way harsh. SIL is not complaining. LW knows what the SIL needs, just can’t provide it. The SIL probably doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with her brother’s feeling/guilt about the situation.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        What she wants is pretty straightforward: for her brother to share the responsibility of caring for their mother.

        1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

          This. SIL is doing all the work. Brother, none of it.

    5. misspiggy*

      Is your husband able to earn any part time money to send to his sister using sites like TaskRabbit?

      Are you able to find and apply for sources of government or charity support (with your SIL’s permission?)

    6. allathian*

      That must be awful for her. I just hope the Alzheimer patient has a DNR? If I ever get dementia, I sure hope I’ll have the guts to kill myself before things get that bad. Her quality of life is zero and she’s putting her relatives through hell for no good reason. I’d stop the treatments and let her die.

    7. Sam I Am*

      I’m the distant child, and my older sibling the present child. I made sure (more than once) my older sibling knew that I saw his burden, and thanked him for carrying it. He was welcome to share about it with me, but generally declined unless we were talking logistics about our parent.

      This will not solve the problem, but if you are able, let them know you see the burden even though you know you can’t thoroughly comprehend it; acknowledge the difficulty and be prepared to take some lumps. If she opens up and says “this is so difficult to do by myself,” it isn’t something to be argued against, it’s something to be acknowledged. Let her know you see how hard it is. She may not be ready to “engage” on an emotional level, but I bet it’s important for her to hear that her efforts are recognized.

      If you haven’t read it before, the “Ring Theory of Care” talks about how to help those at the core of the situation, and from whom to seek support for yourself; you’re in one of the rings, too. Good luck to you all.

    8. Ada*

      Thanks everyone! For the record, we agree with Fulana del Tal, fposte, etc’s take. It’s a shitty situation all around, and my SIL is 100% entitled to feel bitter about the whole thing. It’s not fair and it’s not right that she’s getting stuck with all this with limited to no help from us.

      It’s not healthy for us to beat ourselves up for not having the ability to help as much as we’d like, but at the same time, we’re never going to be the kind of people to just shrug our shoulders and say “Oh well, nothing we can do; life’s just not fair.” So we’re going to keep looking for SOMETHING we can contribute, and we’ll contribute more as we’re able.

      We’ll see if we can coordinate us entertaining the kids online while our BIL takes care of my MIL so maybe SIL can at least count on getting a regular break. And we’ll look into The Ring Theory Of Care, too. Thanks for the suggestions, everyone!

      1. Former Employee*

        Maybe through AARP or Council on Aging you can find some respite care for your MIL to give your SIL a break. I believe it’s free. Also, there could be help through their religious community, if applicable.

        I certainly hope that MIL is getting Social Security and that the money is going to SIL/BIL to care for MIL. I’m not clear as to why treatment is expensive, since I would think that MIL is covered under Medicare and possibly Medicaid, too.

        Best of luck to you and your family.

  31. LQ*

    I feel like I’m saying this every week now. But I’m so damn lonely. I don’t have time to myself. I don’t have time to recharge my batteries. I don’t get much of any physical touch normally. Heck, my sister and friend are reaching out to me more often now than before. But I’m just so lonely. I feel like I’m drowning in all of this and completely empty of all reserves to have anything left to give. But I feel that every single moment I take for myself (typing a message here even) is a selfish and vulgar act. And so I just feel horrible.

    I can know other things but the feelings are drowning me.

    1. Ranon*

      Are you able to reset your body? Feelings are in our brains but they’re also cocktails of chemicals floating through your body. Sunshine, movement, heck a good long cry can all help reset the chemical mix to some extent.

      This is hard, you’re doing a good job. Try, if you can, to shut down the meta feelings about feelings- there’s enough feelings to go around without adding another layer to them! I hope you find some peace today.

      1. LQ*

        No, no real time to reset anything. I took an hour this morning to read and then beat myself up over it. I think the trying to stop meta feelings is a good suggestion. Because I can attack metafeelings with metafeelings and just focus on what is there.

    2. Choggy*

      How about reaching out to someone in need? Are there any volunteer opportunities you can do virtually? When I am the most down, I can usually turn it around by helping someone else.

      1. LQ*

        This is usually what I aim for. But I’m giving all the money I can afford to give right now. And the time is so limited because of the number of hours I’m working. Maybe I can try to at least do a little galaxy zoo something at the end of the day.

        1. valentine*

          I’m giving all the money I can afford to give right now.
          This doesn’t serve you. Just because you have it doesn’t mean you have it to give. You’re better off saving it for the uncertain future.

          I don’t understand the guilt. You feel there is a bottomless well of need you’re responsible to fill, and that you’re not allowed to do anything but work? Not so. Any chance of a chat with a therapist?

    3. LGC*

      Jedi hugs, man. I’m so sorry.

      And I kind of get the feeling – I’ve been going through that myself. (With an added dash of anger at how selfish everyone else is and guilt at how selfish I’ve been.) But to address your point about every single moment you take for yourself feeling like a selfish and vulgar act…what do you think wouldn’t be a selfish and vulgar act? What can you do that wouldn’t be a selfish and vulgar act?

      Apologies if this is a bit triggery, but…

      …so, like, you know how on flights, when the flight attendant instructs you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others put on theirs? That’s in large part because you’re able to help others better when your needs are taken care of. If you’re compromised (in this case, because of smoke inhalation), you’re not able to be there for others. So you do need at least some degree of self-care.

      But also, I remember recently reading something about a study done in multiple countries, including the United States, where people were instructed to do things to make themselves feel better. In the other countries, people tended to do more outward-facing things (like volunteering), and that had marked effects on their happiness. In the US, we (and I’m American here, so that’s why I say “we”) tended to do more inward-facing things (like taking a yoga class), and that didn’t help as much, if at all. Find a way to help – if you’re crafty, sew fabric masks for Jo-Ann, for example! I’m trying to look for local food banks in my community to donate to, myself – the one in my town mostly closed, but there are others still running. (If you don’t have the money to do so, that’s fine.) If you can volunteer to be the Outside Person for someone, that’s great. If you can be an ear for someone, that’s great, too.

      And I need to take my own damn advice, frankly.

      1. LQ*

        What isn’t selfish and vulgar is the other thing we aren’t supposed to talk about here. (Work.)

        I am donating all the money I possibly can.
        I feel too wiped out to be an ear for anyone else. I can barely respond when people reach out to me to check in on me.
        I know the research around giving/volunteering/helping is really strong, and normally I lean into that but I’m struggling with that now because I’m struggling with everything. But I think this is a good reminder to try harder.

          1. LQ*

            Hm. This is a goodish question? Get rest is the thing I keep telling people. “I need you with a fresh brain so get rest.” I haven’t been talking to a lot of others outside work which I think makes it weirder because my human world is smaller. I don’t get to talk about like regular things. I kind of crave a stupid conversation about a movie I haven’t seen. The best conversation I had this week was about lack of yeast in stores and sourdough starters. Because it felt weird (because no yeast) but human. I think not feeling human is hurting.

        2. LGC*

          Then…you’re already doing a lot. You’re doing a ton, actually! (And I apologize that I assumed you weren’t doing all these things.)

          It sounds like you’re struggling with not being able to fix everything, when so much needs to be fixed. (To put it extremely mildly and apolitically.) Like Aspiring Chicken Lady said – if you had a friend that was burned out because they were trying to do ALL THE THINGS, what advice would you give them? Maybe your job here is to just contribute.

          Alternately…maybe donating money isn’t fulfilling for you. Or at least, fulfilling enough for you.

          1. LQ*

            The money feels so meaningless in the sea of everything right now. Maybe one of the things I need to do is…something. Clean. Something that ends and feels like it’s tangible. I’ll never be able to help enough people. That will never be done. But laundry can be Done. And then I can go back to feeling bad about the next 100,000 people I haven’t helped yet.

            1. LGC*

              Maybe! That’s what I mean when I say it’s not fulfilling – you ARE doing something that helps a lot, but you personally feel like it’s not helping. What’s almost as important as doing what others need is helping out in a way that you’re happy with.

              Also, I think you know this intellectually, but you can’t boil the ocean. You’re one person with one person’s resources – you might only be able to save that one person. It’s not up to you personally to save the next 100,000.

            2. allathian*

              Sounds like you need to help yourself before you can help others.
              Sometimes the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel selfish. Maybe instead of giving to charity, you could spend that money on online therapy?
              One person can’t save the world, so I hope you find the way to convince yourself that you’re not useless or unworthy because you can’t do the impossible.
              I’m not religious at all, but the serenity prayer is something I think about when I’m feeling overwhelmed:
              “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

    4. Koala dreams*

      Feelings are what they are, but we can try to change our thinking about the feelings. I read in a book about feelings being like birds flying around. They fly nearby, they fly away, they come back, they leave for warmer climate, flying here and there. You can observe the birds (feelings), but remember that they come and go.

      Can you reach out to friends or relatives who can help reminding you to take care of yourself? Do you have any ideas what would make you feel better? Reading, music, taking a walk, crafts, more sleep? It’s important to help others, but it’s also important to reach out for help. When you reach out for help, other people get the chance to be helpful and feel useful. That way everybody can feel good and we can build up our community. I don’t mean that everybody must help equal amount of time, just that most people have something they can help with, and something they need from others.

    5. Not A Manager*

      So, I’m going to go in an opposite direction. You sound like a very conscientious person who is not used to prioritizing yourself. Can you enlist this internal judgmental and bossy voice to tell you to support yourself?

      You want to be an effective employee, community member, and human being. The only way to achieve that is to keep yourself in good working order. So, part of your assignment is to stretch every day, have a glass of wine, read a book, talk to a friend (fill in with whatever is actually relaxing and enjoyable for you). Have your internal boss sternly tell you that this is not optional, you don’t get to decide you don’t feel like doing it, it’s an assignment like any other assignment because you have to stay functional.

      Make a star chart or some other way to keep track of and reward yourself for doing these each day.

      I really hope that you find a way to make self-care allowable instead of something that causes you to feel guilty.

      1. Wandering*

        Yes, this. Don’t get to the point where in order to help others you need five people holding you together. Your work feels like you are making a difference and you are prioritizing that. Good. You are helping your teams take care of themselves. Good. Model doing the same for yourself. Most people have to choose between helping with money and helping with time, very few do both. You’re already helping financially. Take care of yourself, so that you can continue to the work and supervise the staff to meet those needs.

        There will always be more good to do in the world than anyone can do. There will always be more need than we ourselves can meet. That means we find our pieces to do, and leave the rest for others to pick up as is right for them. Taking care of yourself is the responsible thing to do. Be easy on yourself; you are already doing so much.

      2. Kiwi with laser beams*

        This is what I’ve been doing. My specialist recently told me I have to make lifestyle changes now or I’ll get very sick in future. Said lifestyle changes involve working less overtime so that I can exercise more and rest properly after exercising. April was always going to be the month when I started that, since by the time I figured out that the W-thing was the problem, I had a bunch of deadlines that it would have been difficult to change, but now that April is here and all this is happening, I feel guilty about taking care of myself. So I’ve been telling myself that my specialist will not thank me if I tell him that I’ve self-sabotaged out of guilt. The best way I can make his job easier, other than following the lockdown rules and not taking pandemic-related frustrations out on him, is by doing my honest best to take care of myself around this.

  32. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    A lot of our snow has melted, and soon the ground will be softening up. My tomato seedlings are doing really well and my pepper seeds have started. It finally feels like spring!

    I have a bunch of different seeds (carrots, beans, lettuce, herbs) that I should plant as this will likely be a year where farmers will have fewer workers to support them, but the only thing that does well for me are the tomatoes. Maybe I’ll be lucky this year?

    1. GoryDetails*

      Ah, yes, garden… My procrastination is epic, but I did manage to pick up some potting soil at the garden center, so I can start seedlings from the seeds I already had on hand. [If I can find them. They’re… in the basement. Ahem.] And any minute now I’m going to start clearing the leaves and pruning back the wild roses and cleaning up all the left-from-last-season yard-and-garden stuff. (Lucky for me it’s been raining; another excuse to put off the outdoor chores! Doesn’t excuse putting off the indoor chores, but I’ll take what excuses I can get.)

      I have been very, very appreciative of my Aerogarden. The last batch of heirloom lettuce is still going strong after three months, and while some of the lettuce varieties are showing signs of age (starting to get bitter, sending up stems instead of leaves) I’ve been able to harvest lots of fresh greens for salads, and pluck a few leaves for sandwiches or even just to snack on.

      Outside, the snowdrops and crocuses are still blooming (though the latter got hammered by a hailstorm), and the daffodils are coming up.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      I planted 4 bushes (2 types) of blueberries last year and it looks like one of the varietals didn’t make it through the winter. I’m bummed because they needed each other to cross pollinate.

      I wish there was a garden service that came out biweekly and told me what to do. Like, plant this, you have an aphid problem do that to fix, your tomatoes need fertilizer, etc. I require a little bit of handholding .

      1. WellRed*

        These services exist. Put out a call on local social media? on FB yesterday in a local corona group, a gardener offered free phone consults.

    3. Natalie*

      It’s still a little early for planting most things here but I’m starting to plan. Fave plant sale was cancelled, of course, but I was happy to see today that the independent garden center near me is doing online ordering and curbside pickup. I could have ordered seeds anywhere, but I really have to get tomatoes in sets and if I’m not growing tomatoes, why even have a garden in the first place?

    4. fposte*

      I got potting soil and am waiting for seeds to arrive. All my daffodils are late season so they’re just starting, but crocuses and scilla are still out. And peony shoots are coming up, and I love peonies.

    5. WellRed*

      I bought a little window herb garden kit at the grocery store yesterday. Basil, chives and parsley. I also planted some pepper seeds. Now I have to wait to see if anything sprouts. I’ve not been successful in the past but needed to put my hands on something living.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      Oh! I had the most awesome discovery.

      Last year I bought some blooming hyacinths and after they were spent I threw them in the garage with the intention of storing them properly…but since I’m no gardener and a massive procrastinator they just stayed in a pot on a shelf.

      FF to last week andy partner was like you have something growing in here. The bulbs had started to sprout! I finally had the opportunity to use my planter side table (such a cool find). They are all coming up and my table will be filled with blooms!

    7. Duvie*

      Zone 5b here, with some Zone 6 pockets on the southeast side of the property. Snow crocus, scilla, ground orchid, and windflowers are in bloom, plus a couple of unidentified guest stars. I have thyme, parsley, basil, mint, and romaine growing indoors, and a nice order from Richerts Herbs to look forward to. The garden’s a great place to be in this pandemic; the flowers keep growing, the weeds struggle for supremacy, the bees zip madly around stocking up on pollen and nectar, and the damned earwigs will once again shred my favorite hosta. Life out there continues unchanged.

    8. Reba*

      I bought my mom a bunch of tulip bulbs last year, and she has been sending me daily updates<3
      She had to build a fence around them to hold the deer off, lol.

      I've repotted those that needed repotting and looking forward to moving some plants out onto our little patio soon.

      I've posted before about growing baobabs from seed…. they are 2.5 years old now, and a couple of them are doing so well! They lose leaves in winter naturally, but it is a bit nerve wracking not knowing if they are normal or dead. We have basically no guidance about their cultivation of course! So we have experimentally pruned a couple and they are back-budding nicely.

    9. Queer Earthling*

      We rent and aren’t allowed to plant in the ground, but we got a tomato plant and some herbs to plant in pots in the backyard! We mostly got them because it’s really hard for us to get outside and we know that we’ll need a reason to do so that, obviously, doesn’t involve errands and stuff. So we’re working on that over the next few days.

    10. Blue Eagle*

      Yay! Gardening thread! Our grocery store carries seeds so I purchased two kinds of swiss chard and spinach. Mixed dirt from the compost pile, the raised bed garden and potting soil and distributed it in little cartons. Now all I have to do is actually plant the seeds and I’m on my way to starting seeds to transfer the seedlings to the raised bed garden when it gets warmer.
      No cherry tomatoes this year as last year’s explosion of tomatoes was enough for the next 5 years.

    11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I really need to get back to work on it. I am thinking about turning my ugly front yard into a mini allotment but I haven’t actually done anything yet. It’s been cold and windy, so that’s my excuse, but really I just don’t want to go do the work.

      Earlier this week I filled up three mini plastic seed starter boxes with various things (I had a shoe box full of seeds that I’ve bought and not used up over the years). So far it looks like everything is sprouting, so I will need to figure out where in the heck to plant it all in a few weeks! I was not expecting everything to actually live. With any luck I will be learning how to can in the autumn.

      1. Venus*

        My excuse for not doing much outside is that insect life hibernates in grasses and leaves over the winter, and they need 3 days in a row of +10C temps in order to come out of hibernation, so I should keep things messy until our days get warmer. I’m happy to hibernate too!

    12. Liane*

      My Pink Attack Rose* has a bunch of buds, which makes me very happy. I fertilized it a month ago (& need to check when it needs more) and sprayed it with Neem Oil (it really does solve my rose pest/fungus problems) this week. I do miss my Yellow Attack Rose, which died last year, the result of a disease I couldn’t get under control followed by a very hot mid/late summer. I am hoping to be able to buy some more rose bushes.

      Haven’t done much other gardening yet, but my son & I are going to repot some of his houseplants this week.

      *It has very large thorns, that’s why (Morticia Addams envies me)

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I planted a bunch of epicly old seeds found when we moved and a startlingly large % of them are coming up! As far back as pepper seeds from 2006.
      So if in doubt, plant those old seeds in a way that you don’t lose out if they don’t sprout.
      But now that means I have to find time between rain storms to get out and prep the new garden bed. Everything is Rocky here, even the terrorists Garden. So I have some honest sweaty labor ahead of me this for this furlough week!

    14. Anonnington*

      I started a ton of seeds indoors in small containers. They’re slowly starting to sprout. I also started some sunflowers outdoors in bigger containers. They’re also sprouting.

      Let’s face it – things are unpredictable right now. I’m growing food in order to save money and have to go to the store less. If I have surplus, I’ve preserve it or give it away.

    15. GoryDetails*

      Argh! I picked up a few herb plants yesterday as a nod towards the beginning of gardening season, and as it was warmish last night I left them outside. This morning the tops of all of them except the thyme had been nibbled away… I guess the rabbits are back! [Now to set up some chicken-wire fencing…]

  33. LGC*

    Week 2 of Pandemic Running (for me – okay, it’s more like week 3 or week…I don’t even know) is almost in the books! How’ve you guys adapted? Can you guys adapt?

    (I’ve discovered the joys of running in 50-degree light rain. Most people stay inside!)

    One thing I’ve actually been trying out is Strava’s updated route generator. It’s only for Summit (paid) subscribers, but it suggests different routes based on heatmaps from people in your area. It’s…kind of useful? It’s a change of pace, at least. Plus, it estimates how long you should take based off of previous runs you’ve done.

    1. Jdc*

      I’m back to running outdoors. My knees aren’t loving it and there are no soft trails here to run. For that reason my outdoor runs are half the length of treadmill runs because my knees start to hurt. Husband found a new trail I could run to so I’m going to check out if it’s at least not concrete on my next run.

      1. LGC*

        Oh man, if you listen to podcasts, I know Run4PRs did one on exactly this subject a week or two ago! From what it sounds like, this is actually normal, since the treadmill is softer than road, so you might need to ramp up slowly.

        Good luck with finding a good (and safe) trail!

        1. Jdc*

          Ya I used to run outside often but lived in an area that had trails. New to the area so figuring it out.

    2. A bit of a saga*

      Good tip on the route generator, I’ll try it! We’re at the end of week 3 here of semi-lockdown – allowed out for runs, but only close to your home. The biggest adjustment on my end is that I have split with my partner (I wrote about that last week, we just decided it’s permanent so quite a blow) and seeing that schools are closed when I have the kids I have them All The Time! and thus can’t get out. BUT this week I don’t and the weather is supposed to be beautiful. I’ve signed up for a couple of online races to keep motivated and have set a new race plan for the autumn. Good luck to us all and keep running!

      1. LGC*

        Yeah, I saw – that sucks, and I’m sorry about that. (I mean, I think you said it was coming for a while, but it’s still pretty rough.)

        That reminds me that I’ve been meaning to do a couple of online races. I actually saw one in the NYT Running newsletter which is a fundraiser for the US CDC’s Coronavirus Emergency Response Fund that I’m going to sign up for. (It’s on May 1.)

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I, too, intentionally ran when it was 47 degrees and drizzling this morning instead of waiting for it to be 59 degrees and sunny later, because I knew there’d be less people out.

      I’m definitely making lemonade out of lemons. This whole situation is freaky at best, but running has helped with my anxiety, and I’m really thankful that my knee has recovered enough that I can get out there. I’m also enjoying running routes that I’d ordinarily never be able to run, due to minimal traffic. I’m slowly getting my mileage back up. This morning I ran 8 miles, the most since my knee got banged up last November.

      1. A bit of a saga*

        Yes, I’m also so happy to be a runner – it definitely helps keep me sane in these crazy times. And great news on the knee!

      2. LGC*

        Yeah, I think if there’s anything good about this it allows me to sightsee and run places where I normally would feel unsafe (or otherwise uncomfortable) running.

        That’s awesome that you’ve been able to get your mileage up! I’m in a bit of the same boat right now – I haven’t run fast for the past couple of weeks, but I have been trying to run longer. About to go for one of my longest runs since NYC this morning. (I think I’ve gotten up to 16, and I might do 15 today just for the heck of it.)

    4. Lulubell*

      I’ve been using Peloton’s guided runs and I love them! I downloaded the Peloton app which is giving a 90-day free trial right now. I don’t have the bike or have any interest in getting the bike, but the app has a ton of workouts, including treadmill and outdoor runs. (I don’t have a treadmill either and just do the run outdoors.) I find them very motivational to have someone in my ear keeping me going, plus the playlists are a nice change from my regular music. Definitely been the best thing to come out of this pandemic, thus far.

      1. LGC*

        …today I learned that Peloton has guided runs you can use outdoors.

        (I’m so used to thinking of Peloton as an Inside thing with their bikes and their treadmills.)

    5. A bit of a saga*

      Hey LGC, used the route generator for a nice run this morning. Got a tad lost a couple of times but it was really lovely to see something new and I’ve now downloaded most of their suggestions. So thanks for the tip:-)

    6. Emily*

      Yes to the rain! I’ve begun getting excited about “bad” weather (not truly bad, like 20°F and sleet, but mildly bad, like 35°F and a light drizzle) because it acts as a deterrent for most of the people who only started showing up on my usual running routes after my area’s stay-at-home order went into effect. I totally understand why people want to be outside right now, but the groups who spread out across the path and then don’t move over when others are near them drive me nuts.

      I read that there’s a possibility (not conclusive) that really long or hard runs can weaken your immune system for a short period afterwards. In case that’s true, I’ve been maintaining the same running volume as before but trying to keep most of my runs at an easy effort.

      1. LGC*

        There actually is some research on it! For what it’s worth, it’s anecdotally true – after I ran my first half marathon (which I was not trained for, really), I came down with a bad cold for two weeks. (And this was in September 2017, so outside of cold/flu season. It was miserable – I ran the race mid-September, and didn’t feel like myself until October.) I’ve made it a point to schedule about a week off work for fulls and a day off for halfs since.

        …well, as I’ve gotten more experienced, I don’t really take time off for half marathons anymore (since I don’t need to as much), but I still keep it up for most full marathons.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        There’s some truth to that. A couple of times, when training for a marathon, I’ve gotten hit with colds either in the “taper” stage (just after completing my last long run) or midway through training, just when my mileage was starting to get up there.

        It’s a good reminder that’s going to make me think twice about upping my mileage. Sigh

  34. Wander*

    Has anyone ever had a cat who throws up frequently (but not from furballs and/or overeating) and figured out what caused it or how to help?

    Two of my cats throw up at least weekly, usually just bile. One, I think, just has a sensitive stomach; she’ll smell food she doesn’t like and throw up, or try to eat something with a texture she doesn’t care for and vomit. The other though doesn’t seem to have any triggers. He just does it. Always just bile (and I’m pretty sure he’s eating normally – we have a slow feeder, and he certainly hasn’t lost weight – and I know he drinks a lot). He’s about 10 years old, short fur, no known health problems other than iris atrophy.

    We’ve tried a couple different foods – sensitive stomach, weight control, multiple cats – with no apparent difference. We’ve taken him to the vet a couple times when it’s gotten to be multiple times a day, multiple days in a row, but each time everything’s come back fine – no blockage, he’s hydrated, infections panel came back clear, his teeth are great despite it all.

    Any ideas? I’m sure it’s deeply unpleasant for them, and also I’m tired of having to clean it up daily.

    1. TimeCat*

      My vet recommended putting a ping pong ball in my cat’s food dish to force him to slow down a bit. It worked a little.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If you have a muffin tin, you can try that too — sprinkle the food across inside the cups, or turn the tin upside down and sprinkle it around the raised bits. With the upside down, they are more likely to fish the food out one or two pieces at a time with their paws, which slows them down more. (If you have a cat who is extra sensitive about their whiskers, they may not be willing to stick their face into the cups, if you go right-side-up, so watch them the first couple times, if you try this.)

      2. Wander*

        He’s actually already on a slow feeder! It’s a dish with protrusions that he can’t stick his head in. He did eat way too fast and throw up before, but we’ve had the slow feeder for a couple years now, and it has slowed him down significantly. He has to paw his food out now and can usually only get a few pieces at a time. Before we had it, he’d throw up immediately after eating, and the food would be obvious. Now it’s just random – he’ll sleep or hang out lazily for hours, then just walk a few feet away and heave. No obvious food, no hairballs. It’s either just liquid or very, very digested sludge.

    2. Asenath*

      Oh, yes, the late Mandy, Empress of the World, was exactly like that. It didn’t bother her, wasn’t a health issue (she lived a long, active life), but I ended up clearing up the mess. The vet said she was a ‘chronic vomiter’ (it’s funny how giving something a name, even one like that, seems to help!) The advice was to slow down her eating, which you’re doing. It helped, and so did stopping the canned food she adored. But nothing totally eliminated the problem. I just sighed and cleaned up the mess.

      1. Wander*

        Thank you; that’s good to know. I was half worried my vet was missing something important, so it’s heartening to know that other cats with the same problem had good lives.

    3. Aly_b*

      This was happening to a friend’s cat and it seemed to help when they raised his food dish up like 6” off the floor so he wasn’t bending over to eat anymore.

      1. Wander*

        Interesting. That might be kind of awkward for their bowls, since the design is that they paw food out, but maybe if it was like a platform so the pawed out food would still be higher… I might have to play around with that idea.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m starting to suspect Jill (new kitty) is similar. She’s throwing up bile a couple times a week, and its not correlated to feeding times. I just clean it up. At least it’s easy to clean up. Next time she’s in the vet, I’ll ask the vet.

      1. Wander*

        I swear mine try to make it as difficult as possible to clean up. The one with a sensitive stomach will run for the carpet (at least 75% of my home isn’t carpeted), and the one who I have no explanation for feels the need to hide his mess, so if you’re not there to immediately stop him, he’ll drag anything not nailed down to put over top of it. Toys, shoes, the blanket off the top of the couch, occasionally even an open door – if he can move it, he can and will try to bury his vomit with it. I love him, and that burying behavior is something he does in other areas too, but he’s not helping nearly as much as he thinks he is.

        Good luck with your new kitty! Hopefully your vet will be able to help.

    5. Queer Earthling*

      We switched to sensitive stomach and initially it ramped up the vomit….and then once he adapted, it helped. It took a month or so but he hardly throws up anymore, except on special occasions, such as when he hears us talk about how he doesn’t throw up much anymore.

      1. Wander*

        I’m glad it worked out for you! They do totally listen and wait, don’t they? Like ah yes, they’ve acknowledged a sense of security, so now is the perfect time to change that.

    6. Miki*

      Have you checked her thyroid?
      My sister’s cat (14) had that, and it turned out to be hyperthyroidism. She’s on the twice daily medicine and hasn’t vomited since they started treatment.

      1. Flabbernabbit*

        Thyroid, seconded. My cat was vomiting daily also. A minefield getting out of bed each morning and the cat was losing weight. Get a blood test. Same result after twice daily medication. Vomit free! Fat cat!

    7. Anono-me*

      Fyi, my experiences with dogs not cats, but I suspect it might apply to both.

      Is it possible that one or both of them is drinking their water too fast? Too much water hitting the tummy can cause upset also.

      Putting a big chunk of ice in a cake pan to slowly melt can make sure that a dog gets enough water without doing the scarf and barf. Also some pet stores carry an attachment that goes on the outside water faucet. The attachment is an oversized version of what would be attached to a gerbils water bottle.

      I hope the kitties tummies settle down soon.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Caveat to that ice idea… My dog used to take ice cubes and drop them in random places when she was done chewing on them. Teenager me developed an unreasoning disgust with wet socks as a result.

    8. Amethyst*

      I currently have a cat with a very sensitive stomach. Long story short, I wound up switching my two cats to a grain-free dry food (American Journey) & it’s greatly lessened her puke sessions.

      If you do that, make sure the food actually *is* grain-free. Some brands will label it as that but they still have byproducts within the ingredient list.

    9. Windchime*

      My older cat was doing this when he had a bad case of tooth decay. You mention that your kitty’s teeth are fine. My cat had really stinky breath and the first vet I took him to didn’t seem to think his teeth were so bad. But the second vet was horrified and said he had terrible tooth decay. He ended up having bunch of teeth removed and almost immediately the constant, random barfing stopped.

      Current kitty throws up infrequently, and it’s almost always accompanied by a giant hairball.

  35. Misty*

    Anyone else feeling numb?

    The first three weeks of social distancing/staying home all the time, I was an anxious/sad mess. But now I feel like my brain couldn’t take any more stress or any more bad news. Any time I hear the news or anyone tells me anything, it seems like my brain doesn’t even process it. I just shrug and go back to scrolling the internet/napping.

    It’s not that I don’t want to care, it’s more like my brain just couldn’t deal anymore so now I’m just here.

    1. alex b*

      YES. I have been in treatment for PTSD and anxiety for years, and you’d think I’d be a wreck, but I’m totally calm and, yeah, numb right now.

      The other day, my therapist was like, “So, you’re not feeling anxious about _[getting sick, the state of affairs, etc.]___?” and honestly, no. No, I’m not.

      I think I’m actually coping better than many people because…. as you said, *shrug*. For much of my life, I’ve existed in a state of dread, so this is no different. I’m beyond bored with posts and articles about it. It’ll pass; if it doesn’t, then there we will be.

      And I’m with you—it’s truly not that I don’t care that people are suffering, and I’m being responsible and doing my little part. But…. meh. I can’t process the identical stories, warnings, advisories, etc. anymore. I’m also “just here.”

      So, anyway, I hope you have an ok weekend! Cheers to distractions!

      1. Misty*

        “For much of my life, I’ve existed in a state of dread, so this is no different”

        Yep I totally feel this. I also have PTSD and anxiety and am in treatment for it. It’s kind of a helpful response because beyond staying home (which I’m doing 24/7) it’s not like there is much I can do anyways to stop the current events so in a way I’m glad I’m not panicking any longer.

        1. alex b*

          Thanks for replying; wishing you well from afar. I am with you about feeling grateful for not feeling panic anymore.
          PTSD: it sucks, but maybe now it’s helpful in keeping us saner than others.

          1. Misty*

            I’ve learned to cope with my PTSD. Now it lives along side me most of the times, if that makes sense. I am grateful that it seems to be a benefit or at the very least a neutral influence in this case.

            I hope you have a great upcoming week and stay well. Would love to hear how you’re doing in a few weeks (or whenever) if you feel like posting in the future. It’s always nice to read someone’s experience that resonates with my own!

    2. alex b*

      YES. I have been in treatment for PTSD and anxiety for years, and you’d think I’d be a wreck, but I’m totally calm and, yeah, numb right now.

      The other day, my therapist was like, “So, you’re not feeling anxious about _[getting sick, the state of affairs, etc]___?” and honestly, no. No, I’m not.

      I think I’m actually coping better than most people because…. as you said, *shrug*. Much of my life I’ve existed in a state of dread, so this is no different. I’m beyond bored with posts and articles about it. It’ll pass; if it doesn’t, then there we will be.

      And I’m with you—it’s truly not that I don’t care that people are suffering, and I’m being responsible and doing my little part. But…. meh. I can’t process the identical stories, warnings, advisories, etc. anymore. I’m also “just here.”

      So, I hope you have an ok weekend! Cheers to distractions!

    3. Chaordic One*

      I think this is a normal thing for some people and in a way, it is probably a healthy response. You can only take so much stress. The fact that you’re aware of how you are feeling is a good thing.

      Do what you can to be good to yourself. Continue to get enough sleep and to eat well. Exercise if you can. Limit your news listening and watching. If you’re self-isolating, use the time to clean or read or watch movies that you’ve been wanting to see.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I wouldn’t say numb, but I also am not terribly worried/anxious. Kinda meh. I am following the news, but the emotions aren’t really impacting. Its very detached and more intellectual for me. I think for me it’s personality based. A few weeks ago, I was much more worried, because there was stuff I wasn’t doing that I needed to be doing (ie, stock up and then just stay home). Now that I am doing what I can, it’s like my brain has completely moved on. However, this approach does seem to really piss off people with certain personality types/highly stressed/something, so I try to rein it in online.

      1. alex b*

        Perfectly said. Thanks for this articulation.

        (and I apologize to those in the thread for double-posting by accident)

      2. Filosofickle*

        A helpful construct may be that, in the stages of grief, it sounds like you’re at Acceptance. You’ve moved past the agitated stuff and into living with the change. (People who are stressed and pissed may think you’re in Denial.)

      3. TL -*

        Yup. I’m doing what I can, our government is responding (they could be responding better, but there is a response and it is addressing the needs, albeit not entirely) and things will get better eventually. I will continue doing what I can, but honestly, this too shall pass.
        Several of my friends are in ‘end of the world’ mode and they’re less than impressed by my attitude.

    5. =^-^=*

      Hey Misty, I just wanted to say thanks – a couple of weeks ago I posted about feeling more and more anxious and you very kindly posted a link to an eagle cam which you said helped you calm down. I think the body can only hold so much anxiety before you adapt to the “new normal”. I don’t feel numb exactly but this is starting to feel normal to me now. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and wishing you well.

      1. Misty*

        Great to hear from you! I love those eagles! Let us know how you’re doing in a few weeks if you want to. I agree with you on the body only being able to hold onto so much anxiety.

        Keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m with you on that numbness. It’s like when they put up a tent hospital in Central Park, I shut down.
      I don’t like this, it feels like how I got when I was a kid and lost a half-dozen close family members in less than 2 years.

      1. Misty*

        I’m sorry about your family members. Stay safe and take care of yourself best you can. You’re in my thoughts this upcoming week.

  36. Always Anon*

    Just wanted to thank the person in Japan who several weeks ago suggested buying toilet paper. I was able to buy here in the US before the hoarding started! Stay safe and well everyone!

    1. WellRed*

      I’m beginning to think my local store just stopped receiving TP. Which is ridiculous of course.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        There is a really helpful article on vox.com about the toilet paper shortages and why they won’t resolve quickly. The short version – tp manufacturers were already producing at capacity + people expecting long lock downs are buying much more than their usual amounts + consumers now have to meet all of their tp needs at home unlike the recent past when we all used the tp at work and at restaurants, etc. as well as a smaller portion than now, at home. Add all that to the fact that the manufacturers make basically two kinds, but only sell one to the public (commercial = the fluffy, luxurious stuff we all buy, industrial = the thin, scratchy stuff that schools, hospitals, restaurants and workplaces buy), and you have a big, slow problem about resetting the supply. Makes sense, but unless they start selling the scratchy stuff to retailers and convincing the public that they want it (and we DO!), the only changeable variable of all of these is the length of time we are locked down. As long as we are told to stay home, this may not improve for a while.

        I asked a fellow customer in a supermarket this week why he had a cartful of dinner napkins. You guessed it – he was out of tp and planning to cut up the napkins into tp-sized pieces to tide him over. He had already tested out tissues, which he preferred over paper towels (too scratchy). I admired his resourcefulness & creativity. We both had a good chuckle.

        1. Dan*

          I… have a confession to make.

          Right before lockdown was a thing (sometime in early/mid-March) and the TP run was starting to be a thing, I realized I had three rolls left. I went to Target, and the only thing left was 24 packs of Charmin at $20/piece. I was like crap, what’s up with this? I bought two, because I wasn’t sure how much I should get.

          And then when I got home I thought about it and realized I probably go through one roll a week, if that, so 48 rolls is going to last me a year.

          I felt guilty.

          And then I went to Target again a few days ago, and there was absolutely 100% nothing in the paper products section.

          I felt less guilty. But I know I helped contribute to the bare shelves.

          1. valentine*

            You’re not the problem, Dan. The problem is people loading up carts, especially those who planned to sell it. And I doubt they’re going to hold on to it for a year. When the coast is clear, they’ll want their space back.

            I’ve been thinking of the massive food coming when people trash their hoards.

            1. Dan*

              Thanks.

              As for the arbitrage minded people… I respect a little hustle, I really do. I read story on MSN that was linked to either from here or the Washington Post a couple of weeks ago, and some dudes had rented a U Haul to pick up hand sanitizer. They said they ended up with like 17,000 bottles that they were going to sell. Then, Amazon and Ebay delisted sales of those products, so they’re stuck with them. Serves ’em right.

              But now the store shelves are empty and they have no product, so people who actually need them can’t buy them. F’ers.

              1. nonegiven*

                I read that the state was going to confiscate the whole shebang so he was at his storage space trying to donate it to local first responders.

            2. nonegiven*

              I saw a sign in the store last week that the ‘popular products’ (the ones they had to limit) are NOT returnable.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            What valentine said–you only bought two, so you’re fine.

            I got a 12-pack three weeks ago and only just now broke into it. A week or so ago, they had 18-packs, and I got one because I know my mum only has one 9-pack of hers left. So I had 30 rolls. 29 now, but I’m deliberately using less, so I shouldn’t have to buy it anytime soon.

            I guess I could do the hand/water thing to wipe my butt if we run out completely for a long while. If millions of other people in the world can do it that way, so can I.

            1. Dan*

              To your point about other parts of the world where they don’t use TP… I’ve been to those parts of the world, but have somehow managed to always use a Western toilet with all of its trappings. Given said travels, I find it amusing the strong affinity Americans have with their TP. And I’m 100% guilty.

              Apparently when my mom was growing up, the family had hit a rough patch and they couldn’t always afford to have TP. A couple of weeks ago, my dad mentioned that mom bought quite a bit of TP at Costco. She chimed in and proclaimed, “You can never have enough!” I was like, wanna bet? There are parts of the world where TP is for tourists, if you can find it.

          3. Amethyst*

            Speaking as a person with, er, digestive issues, I envy you & your use of 1 roll/week. I go through 2. Maybe 3 if it’s especially bad.

            I’ve been having a ridiculously hard time finding toilet paper & I have some anxiety over it due to said digestive issues. I just started a new roll from a new 6 pack today (a fancy brand I never buy, & the package calls these rolls “mega”) & have been using it stingily so as to keep it lasting as long as I can so when Friday comes around I can go on the hunt for some to replenish my supply.

            I won’t buy napkins or paper towels; I live in an apartment complex & my landlord would *for sure* bill me for any plumbing costs related to clearing the pipes if I were to use those.

            1. Sunset Maple*

              It’s not the norm for most people in the U.S., but you can use non-flushable paper products and dispose of them in a bag.

            2. Mary Connell*

              If you need to use them, put them into the trash like Sunset Maple says. A relative lived in a country where that was the practice.

      2. Sunset Maple*

        Our grocery stores only allow senior citizens for the first hour of business, and they buy up every roll as soon as the shipment hits. I’m going to have to hire someone over 60 to get me toilet paper.

    2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I sincerely recommend buying a bidet, there’re small ones that can be attached to the toilet and it’s an cleaner alternative to toilet paper. But then, I come from bidet loving country.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’m really curious about bidets. How do they work? Exactly how do you use one? Do you have to be careful not to get your clothes wet? Do you need to use a towel to dry yourself off after you’ve used one? Maybe someone could post a link to an article that would explain things. If so, you’d be doing a favor to many ignorant people, such as myself.

        3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

          Using a traditional sitting bidet It’s just like a normal toilet, but instead of doing your business you open the water, clean your behind with soap, close the water and wipe with a dedicated towel. I can’t imagine how it must be having a period in a bidet-less country.

      2. T. Boone Pickens*

        Bidets are terrific. It’s a shame they’ve taken so long to catch on in the US.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          It astounds me how many people here think that the water comes out of the toilet bowl instead of a clean-water pipe. I had this conversation once and I had to explain it was like the little special pipe that puts water into your freezer to make ice cubes. Only a little warmer one hopes.

    3. Mameshiba*

      Maybe that was me! I’m glad someone listened!! (side-eyes all my friends I warned who laughed and then complained about running out of TP weeks later…)

  37. Always Anon*

    The first person that I know personally who was diagnosed with COVID-19 is my primary care doc. I had my annual physical yesterday morning via telemedicine. During the course of our discussion I found out that my doctor was sick and that he had just learned he was COVID-19 positive. He was doing a few more appointments after mine and then taking some time off of work to recover.

    1. WellRed*

      My Primary care just canceled my yearly checkup that was in mid May. She offered telehealth for any concerns. She’s retiring in June so that’s that.

  38. Wife of a Nurse*

    Just some tips if you will start wearing a mask more often:

    1. Always wash your hands before you put on your mask and before you take it off as you will be touching your face.

    2. If your mask is washable, keep a plastic bag with you to put the mask into when you take it off and then wash it!

    3. Masks can keep droplets from getting into your mouth and nose, but not your eyes, so if you can, wear glasses/goggles when you are going into a store where there may be a number of people (grocery stores).

    Ultimately, if you don’t need to go somewhere, then don’t. Social distancing is really tough but really important right now.

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      Beautifully said – thank you! Will do all of the above with great care.
      Be safe!

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Every time you come back in the house from having worn the mask, immediately toss it in the wash and then wash your hands.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Are you aware of a pattern (sewing is fine) with the elastic going around the head? The elastic I have is 3/4 inch, and I’m not very good so not sure if I can modify an existing pattern.

  40. irene*

    this might be a little weird, but i want to give major thanks to AAM and the commentariat from the last 2 years or so. i was diagnosed with adhd a month ago and just started medication this week. i would have never thought the diagnosis applied to me, except the comments and posts with advice have made me say “wow, that’s familiar!” and when i started seeing a therapist for my anxiety again, they asked if i am adhd… i said no, but if you think i sound like it, too, maybe I should get an eval.
    the psychologist who diagnosed me says I should look into asperger’s syndrome/autism spectrum as well, which is what I’ve been told for years and years (that eval for grown adults isn’t as accessible unfortunately), but it’s good to finally have that statement on my diagnosis paperwork.

    it’s strange how having the dx changes so much, but also nothing at all. I’ve already improved some of my relationships by explaining it, because we now have a label for my quirks and they know I’m not doing it on purpose… but it doesn’t magically make me able to go places on time or anticipate important dates or maintain an appropriate amount of eye contact.

    anyway, i would have completely dismissed my therapist’s question and not started to reconsider some of my behaviors and challenges, except for reading AAM and the comments so much. and now I’ve got more tools in my box for anxiety therapy and self improvement. thank you, everyone!

    (i need to go search and reread the advice about disclosing to work, now. I’m not sure if or when i should tell my manager at my new job, except I’ll have to eventually explain why I suck at getting to work on time consistently, despite my best efforts)

    1. peachie*

      I don’t know if ‘congratulations!’ is the right sentiment, but it’s difficult to get diagnosed as an adult for a number of reasons, so… yay! I’m glad you did! You’re so right that it changes everything and nothing. I hope the medication works for you (and that if it doesn’t you’re able to test out some others) — it’s completely changed my life. When I moved, my new psychiatrist asked what I felt like it did for me, and I said that before taking it, it felt like I was pedaling really hard on a stationary bike but getting nowhere, and now I’m pedaling really hard on a regular bike and getting somewhere. It’s an uphill ride, for sure, but at least all the effort leads to some results now.

      1. irene*

        thank you! so far, the medication (the lowest extended release dose available) doesn’t seem to be making a huge difference with my mental processing, but it does help me with maintaining energy levels throughout the day so I can be more productive instead of sleeping for always, and honestly that’s extremely valuable. I did so much house cleaning and tidying today, actually finished instead of feeling tired and bored and needing a nap!

        when we started discussing the possibility, my therapist and I talked about organizational lists and things. I made a household chore chart to look at whenever I’m in bed, to help remind me of things I can do when I’m not sure where to begin, and this is this first week I’ve completed the entire thing. I hope I can keep it up :D

        1. peachie*

          I’m not sure if you’ll come back and see this, but one of the most valuable things I’ve learned about dealing with ADHD is that it’s possible you won’t find a system that works for you forever. And that’s okay! I used to beat myself up about the abandoned planners or apps I forgot about, but I think it’s much healthier to think, Great — that worked for a while! Now what? A solution doesn’t have to be permanent to be valuable.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      I am just going to bite the bullet and say congratulations. Having the diagnosis, and knowing that it’s not that you’re “not trying hard enough,” is super important.

      (Although a quick side note that the eye contact thing is not ADHD- that one’s autism. My trick is that I stare at mouths, and most people don’t notice.)

      1. irene*

        thank you! I was so worried that I wouldn’t meet the diagnosis threshold and it’d just reinforce that I’m just lazy or not trying hard enough. it’s such a relief.

        also, thanks! I’m not sure what of my traits could be the maybe-autism (probably?) vs. ADHD. my intense personality was cited as an ADHD thing (very talkative, interrupting, etc) and I assumed my all or nothing eye contact style was part of that.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          From what I’ve heard/been told, ADHD eye contact issues are typically “shifty eyes,” where the ADHD person just can’t sustain long periods of contact because of focus. What I’ve got with my autism is that I can’t do eye contact at all– it’s legitimately painful to me! I’m very unusual in that regard though, and I’ve been told that it’s more normal for autistic people to have difficulty making eye contact, but sustaining it is less of an issue than it would be for ADHD people.

          1. irene*

            I used to practice things like eye contact and vocal tones when I was a teenager! I noticed that my voice didn’t sound musical like other people, so I read out loud with exaggerated tones, until I got used to sounding like other people in normal conversation. (I’m still not sure about it… I’m bad at judging the correct loudness required)

            and I read in magazines about eye contact, so I also practiced staring into eyes. I tend to never look away, or I don’t look at all. it’s like I have to remember not to just stare forever, especially because so much of my attention goes to the action, or I never quite manage to even look at the chin or eyebrows. very much all or nothing.

        2. KoiFeeder*

          But, also, remember this. You’ve had unknown, unaccommodated ADHD for your whole life. You’ve already been trying so much harder than a neurotypical otherwise similar to you. You’re not lazy, you’re exhausted, because you’ve been trying to race around with a basket full of rocks and been judged by the standards of people with baskets full of eggs.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was also diagnosed as an adult. It’s no walk in the park, but now at least I can stop kicking myself for not being organized like everyone in my family seems to be.

      1. irene*

        yeah, looking back at how I struggled with various college things, I wish we had looked into it earlier. the little explanation really helps with the guilty feelings for not keeping up or “meeting potential”

    4. RagingADHD*

      Good for you!
      You are going to reclaim soooooo much more energy & joy now that you can stop trying to fix yourself, and just adjust your tools/systems when you need to.

      Knowing makes all the difference.

      1. irene*

        thank you!
        one of the first things I did was stop feeding bad that I struggle with the concept of time, and explained to my dad why I’m always running late. we set up an arrangement so that he tells me the earliest time he is okay with me arriving somewhere, rather than when the event should begin, and I know that’s what he’s doing. it worked well, up until isolation. (he never wanted to trick me like that, and seemed to think I was late because I didn’t care) it has smoothed out one of the kinks in our relationship, and we know what to expect.

        I have also embraced my paper notebooks and whiteboard to do lists, and have stopped trying to use digital systems just because that’s what people around me like. lots of calendars and color coding and visual cues help keep me focused and retarget when I forget what I need to be doing, and I won’t try to force myself to fight with a less useful system. (some of this i learned from comments here, and have been slowly implementing. the dx was like an aha moment for why it worked so well!)

  41. WorkLifeBalanceTryYouWill*

    My plan for today.

    Not to look at my work email today. Commit to check into our Social Media accounts only to make sure there is no inappropriate content posted. Do no work/work.
    For me-
    Phone a friend.
    Sit down and write time in front of the SAD lamp. Watch the writing prompts from Kate DiCamillo
    Begin a knitting project. Watch two episodes of Dr. Who while knitting.
    Make sugar scrub
    Clean my office/spare room
    Movie Date with Mr. TryYouWill

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Did you stick to your plan? Or most of it, at least?
      Checking in… that’s an ambitious but inspiring list!

    2. WorkLifeBalanceTryYouWill*

      Checking in very late. Ta Dah!
      Spent less that an hour on work over the weekend- sent three emails specifically to the effect that I will not be updating/helping/working for two days.
      I did watch Dr.Who with a friend on the phone. and one on my own.
      I am totally sucking at knitting- cast on, knit a few rows and had to rip it out, over 4 times.
      Cleaned and scrubbed down the kitchen AND put away stuff in the living room that had been piling up.
      Took a short walk with the dog (I am “at risk” so that was a big deal on the anxiety front)
      Had a movie date with Mr. Try You Will- Jo Jo Rabbit (Really didn’t like it)
      Sat in front of SAD lamp only one day- really need it to be part of my daily routine.
      Read AAM while sitting on the porch.
      Had a two hour! nap on the porch this afternoon.
      Spoke to friends and family on the phone for more than two hours (5 separate calls)
      Started a new podcast Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon Podcast to Curb Cabin Fever
      Made quite a few scrumptious meals including oatmeal congee with left over chicken.
      A friend dropped by baking potatoes. Had jacketed potatoes for supper. Super yummy.
      Having trouble reading anything other than new.

  42. Ali G*

    What’s cooking?!
    This weekend I’m trying to use up fresh stuff before it turns.
    Breakfast today: scrambled eggs (leftover whites and oop’s from making carbonara earlier this week) with lefotver kaftka plate from a local Egyptian restaurant we ordered from last night.
    Dinner tonight: chicken “parm”: it’s basically cutlets sauteed and them topped with sauce and cheese. Sauteed veg – whatever I need to cook.
    Dinner tomorrow: Burrito bake: ground beef, leftover black beans, mushrooms, greens, whatever I have seasoned and baked with cheese and tomatoes. Served with corn tortillas for dipping.
    Hope you have a delicious weekend!

    1. Jdc*

      Last night we did one of the take and bake pizzas from Aldi since I was forced to shop. Tonight is leftover lasagna I froze from a couple weeks ago. I wanted a break from cooking. Husband made yummy breakfast sandwiches just now. Thinking of making some soup in my instant pot for lunch.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Recently I roasted a chicken – very simple preparation – and then did my usual cherry-picking of my favorite bits: the delectable crispy skin, and the leg and thigh meat. That left lots of breast meat, so today I went looking for recipes using leftover chicken and some of my pantry staples (am also trying to use up items from my over-crowded pantry). Found a Budget Bytes recipe for Southwest Chicken Skillet, a perfect fit: rice, canned black beans, salsa, chicken broth, spices, cheese. Had everything on hand – including the chicken broth that I made from the carcass – and whipped it up. It’s a one-pan dish, ready in half an hour, and quite tasty – though when I make it again I’ll probably ramp up the spices a bit.

      Later today I’m going to try a recipe for a purple potato-cauliflower soup!

      1. CupcakeCounter*

        I’m making a roast chicken tonight so I can make chicken salad for my lunches this week. I don’t like the sweet ones so I make a curried one and a savory dill one. Serve on mini-naan bread. Alton Brown’s Curried chicken pot pie is another great recipe for leftover roasted chicken breast.

        1. GoryDetails*

          “Alton Brown’s Curried chicken pot pie is another great recipe for leftover roasted chicken breast.”

          I’ll have to try that – I love his recipes! (Also love chicken salad; maybe I’ll delve into the freezer and see if I have more chicken on hand!)

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        I am planning to roast a whole chicken from the bottom of my freezer for Easter (or even try doing it in the slow cooker!) and I am weirdly excited because for some reason I have all my preferred ingredients for chicken salad (which I eat… every other year?). So the leftovers will be sandwiches mostly. Sadly, although the weekly grocery flyer had whole chickens at 88 cents/lb, they were not able to fill that part of my order. I’ll be using the chicken carcass, as with the turkey carcass parts I froze two weeks ago, in soup for ages and ages.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Speaking of chicken salad, I have two ways of prepping it that are really good. First I just do basic chicken, mayo, and boiled egg. You can leave out the egg if you don’t like it or don’t have any on hand. Then when ready to eat, I take out whatever I want for that meal and either add cut up green grapes and sugar-glazed pecans or walnuts and mix. Or I finely chop an apple and add that, some sweet pickle relish, and some chopped celery if I have any. The reason for doing it this way is because these add-ins don’t hold up very well. Twenty-four hours in advance at the most. Also!! If you decide to try the add-ins with the nuts, I just discovered individually packaged pecans, walnuts, or almonds with blueberries and cranberries. It comes in a package of 10. This is great if you pack a lunch to carry and want to stir in your add-ins at the last minute. Also great sprinkled on a green salad.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I couldn’t sleep and was up at 430 ugh. So I sauteed mushrooms and onions, baked bacon, made waffle batter and then waited for the rest of the house to wake up.

      Fennel and citrus salad alongside leftover kalua pork for dinner.

      Going to make pizza dough for tomorrow and then prep chicken and pork loin to grind.

    4. Sparkly Librarian*

      Well, I just DoorDashed Mexican food for lunch ’cause I couldn’t face the menu. :/ But! There have been pumpkin muffins, home fries, purple carrots, a massive pot of black beans, split pea soup with bacon, mac & cheese, pesto pasta, and salmon recently. Comfort food. Lots of good stuff coming out of the freezer.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I bought some real farm eggs at the slightly more upscale grocery; they’re delicious. I have a little plastic thing that lets you poach them in the microwave. It’s tricky; I can’t stand a runny white, and it’s hard to hit the sweet spot where the white is cooked but the yolk isn’t hard. But they’ve been coming out well enough to make little egg and cheese English muffin sammiches.

      Otherwise, I’ve got some tofu to cook up so I can have sweet chili sauce tofu bowls. I’ll probably do that tomorrow since I made some rice this evening. The aforementioned grocery carries a brand that’s pre-diced. I know that’s super lazy of me, but I hate cutting it up, and the cubes are so nice and even.

    6. LAMM*

      I scored a pack of chicken thighs the other day and have stayed stocked with tortillas. So some sort of chicken tacos.

      Though I’ve been putting everything in tacos since our shelter in place. The 6-8″ size are the perfect portion control for me. One taco = a snack, Two tacos a meal. BBQ chicken tacos, Ginger soy chicken tacos, etc.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thank you for dinner inspiration. ..chicken parm sounded so good finally got moving. And I cooked the whole package without cheese & sauce so easy supper tomorrow. (Which might be key, as I may have to drive the trailer to get some things from my MIL before she pitches them. Great timing mom.)

  43. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Is anyone else’s Facebook being flooded with ads with fake closing sales for weird clothing outlets? For all sorts of weird things like socks that look like cats, etc.

    Is there a good way to get rid of them? I can block one, but then I just get different websites that are “closing forever.” It’s like playing Whac-a-Mole. (I’m probably noticing it more lately because I’ve muted so many people who are constantly posting political things and gloomy COVID-19 news.)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        That’s OK! At least I know I’m not being targeted specifically by these really weird “closing sales”.

      2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        My FB feed is full of those! Usually sales of anime merch and sakura season stuff. I ignore it, I’m too broke to buy any of them anyway.

    2. anon24*

      I have not seen them, but if you click on the 3 dots in the upper right corner of the ad I believe there is a “why am I seeing this” option. If you click around you can get into all the things facebook thinks it knows about you and shows you ads about and can turn them off. I went in the other week because I was sick of seeing male underwear models on my Facebook feed and was pleasantly surprised. I am very cautious about what I let them know about me, use a privacy protecting browser and not the app, and they really don’t have me down at all. Most of the things they said I was into I’ve never even heard of.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks very much…I’ll give it a shot. In the past, when I’ve used Facebook’s alerting tools, Facebook has actually doubled down on the offending stuff and made things even worse, but maybe they’ve improved. Facebook, the company, honestly impresses me as being pretty much pure evil. But being isolated from everyone due to COVID-19 has made me even more reliant on it as a means of keeping up with everyone, so I guess I have to take the good with the bad.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      Yes, I’ve been seeing these.

      I’ve never felt the need to purchase animal socks, but now that they are going out of business, I feel a sudden urge to collect the set.

      Perhaps this is part of their marketing strategy.

    4. Jedi Squirrel*

      I also keep seeing “Top Gut Doctor Explains How to Entirely Empty Your Bowels Each Morning”.

      I mean, why? Why on earth would that be a thing I need to do every morning?

    7. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Ad blocker or an extension like Social Fixer will help. Personally I can’t stand to use the internet without an ad blocker now, and I use one on every device. I disable it for certain sites that depend on ads for income, unless they use the horrible flashing intrusive ones.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        These are actually sponsored posts. Sorry if I was unclear. Would an ad blocker block those?

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Some of what I’m seeing are for real novelty shops that I also had ads for before Christmas. They might be advertising more because they had a gap in fast fashion shipping from China.

  44. Anon divorcee*

    My husband and I separated almost a year ago, and our divorce was finalized a few months later. It was extremely painful at the time, I still loved him but his untreated mental illness meant I had been on an emotional roller coaster for the last two years. When we split, I suggested we try to remain friends, mostly because I knew I was the only person who knew the extent of his illness and could be there for him, and his response was “I can’t even look at you right now”. I cried all night, then picked up the pieces, went to therapy, got a promotion and started dating someone wonderful. We barely spoke for six months and I moved on with my life. To me, the friendship ship has sailed.
    Fast forward to the past month – he keeps messaging me with pictures of our cat (he got to keep her), memes, whatever. I’ve tried to respond in a friendly-but-not-too-friendly way (“Kitty looks great! Hope you’re doing ok”). He called a few times to check in on me. Then yesterday he asked me over for brunch today – I told him I wasn’t going to people’s homes (because confinement). Then he suggested we Skype to chat. Um, no, I’m confined with NewGuy and I don’t want to deal with this right now. I suspect he is bored and lonely in confinement and used to turning to me for support/company, whatever. I can’t be that person anymore, but don’t want to be cruel and send him over the edge either (b/c severe mental health issues). Any advice on navigating this, or just amicable divorces in general? No kids involved.

    1. Persephone Mulberry*

      I don’t have a script for you, but you are allowed to have boundaries and enforce them. You don’t have to guess at his motivations or defend your decision. You are clearly a conscientious person, so maybe it’s helpful to hear that being firm is not the same as being cruel, and if he spirals anyway, you are not to blame for that or responsible for picking up the pieces.

    2. Generic Name*

      How much involvement do you want to have with him? If it’s zero, that doesn’t make you a bad person. You get to decide who you let into your life. You have absolutely no obligation to be his only source of emotional comfort. If you want to next interact with him, you can tell him you’ve changed your mind and don’t want to be his friend. Captain Awkward has some scripts for this. Another tactic you could take is gradually wean him off of contact with you. If you’ve been responding immediately, maybe wait a few hours. If you’ve been responding why same day, wait until the next day to respond. Gradually increase the time it takes to respond to him. From personal experience, I understand how singularly awful it is to live with someone with untreated mental illness. It’s totally reasonable to not want to be his friend.

      2. Anon divorcee*

        This is a great question, and the answer is I’m not sure. It was unimaginable for me when we split to never speak to him again. We had been together for ten years (met my first year of college). But then I was forced to cut off contact and realized I breathed a little easier without him. Being in a “normal” relationship with a kind, loving person made me realize how much pain I had put myself through with him. I have compassion for what he is going through and he isn’t a bad person, but every time we speak, a lot of buried emotions start to resurface and take me back to a not-so-great place. He also has massive mood swings, so when he’s all friendly and cheerful a part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. At the same time, it makes me sad to have been that close to a person and never speak to them again. He sent me pictures of his nieces and nephews, all of whom I held as newborns and was close to, and it made me feel so sad. I have no doubt that I don’t love him anymore and don’t want to ever get back together, but I still care about him, wish him well, and it feels so hard to cut someone like that out of your life entirely.

        1. Dan*

          See my other post under your first one for a little bit more background. That said, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest he’s manipulating the f out of you with the nieces and nephews pictures. You’ve been trying to keep him at a distance (and I think he knows that) so my bet is this is his way of warming you up emotionally.

          It can be hard to cut people off, but sometimes you have to do it.

        2. fposte*

          One possibility would be to build on Generic’s question and think about what you’d *like* to do. Telephone call once a month? Once a year? Exchange holiday cards? Knowing that would give you something concrete to suggest rather than just saying “Not feeling the Skype thing, Bob.”

          But do be sure it’s something you want, not just something you have to offer for his sake. His sake is no longer your lookout.

          1. Dan*

            When I put OP’s two posts together (pushing for skype chats after blow-offs aren’t working plus adding pictures of the nieces and nephews to the mix) I’m not getting the sense that it’s in the OP’s best interest to try and maintain some level of contact, even if it’s on her terms. Because the manipulative types in the crowd will agree to whatever’s offered and then try to weasel more out of you. For whatever reason, I picked up on the pics of the nieces and nephews as crossing that line. And given OP’s reaction (I held them when they were born, the pictures made me sad) I suspect his tactic may be working.

            OP may want some level of contact, and I suspect ex may agree to it NOT in good faith. OP needs to decide if she can handle that before offering the olive branch.

              1. Anon divorcee*

                Thanks, these are all great points. Yes, there is probably some manipulation involved, mixed in with being bad at reading social cues. He knows I basically can’t ignore the cat and kiddo pictures (I do generally ignore the memes and “interesting” articles he sends). Honestly, I had made peace with no contact ever, and now there is too much contact all of a sudden and I’m thrown. Maybe a once a month phone call with advance notice? That would be my preference, but probably won’t work because he is basically incapable of planning things. So I need to acknowledge that our styles of communication are irreconcilable. I think it’s either no contact ever, or him messaging me on a whim when he’s suddenly in the mood to talk to me, and me deciding how to handle that. I like the point about spacing the responses out a bit – give me some time to process as well. I told him I couldn’t Skype today and ignored the “why not, aren’t you just chilling at home?” response for now.

                1. Dan*

                  I’m just going to be blunt here. You’ve written enough to leave me no doubt that there will NOT be a boundary-respecting friendship with this guy. He will agree to whatever you suggest, and then he’ll throw it out the window at his leisure.

                  It’s not the style that’s the problem here.

                2. valentine*

                  ignored the “why not, aren’t you just chilling at home?” response for now.
                  Feel free to ignore it forever. He is a piece of work, but a pedestrian one. You need not allow him any space or say in your life. You are not responsible for him or his behavior. People are treatment plans for mental illness. You are not a toy for him to pick up and put down when he likes. Captain Awkward would file him under That Guy. (You might want to read her letters 845-6: A girlfriend is not a pacifier & part II.) No-contact was working for both of you and, even though he pressed pause on his end, you don’t have to! You can’t have the cat or kids in your life without him, and any loss you feel there is worth preserving your freedom.

                  Unless you want to be on call, living on pins and needles, either say nothing or tell him goodbye, but block him everywhere and move on.

                3. Not So NewReader*

                  Agreeing with Dan, this is give him an inch and he will take a yard. Kudos, Dan, on picking up on this so fast. I am sorry you had to learn this stuff. Same for you, OP.

                  Think of it this way, OP, an average friend or family member gets told, “Can’t Skype today”, they don’t have the audacity to ask why, right? They say something like, “Okay, give me a shout when you are free, I’d like to hear from ya!” They put the ball totally in your court. This guy is already trying to corral you.

                  Go back to what you said here,”I had made peace with no contact ever….” This is what is at your core, OP. In a previous post you say, ” But then I was forced to cut off contact and realized I breathed a little easier without him. Being in a “normal” relationship with a kind,loving person made me realize how much pain I had put myself through with him. ”

                  Just because you are in a safe relationship now does not mean you can or should go back to trying to help him in any way, shape or form. Not only will he pull you down again, he will also pull down your new SO. You have the additional responsibility here of considering your new beloved.

                  My wise friend said something that I have held on to: Sometimes we have to get out of the way so REAL help can get in. I think this applies to you. You have already tried, you have already done the full gambit of things you can do. This point has passed.

                  I went with a different friend to see his son…. in prison. As we left the prison, my friend said, “I just want to take him home with me….” Oh boy. My heart went “splat” right on the the concrete sidewalk, it fell HARD. I gently reminded my friend that he had tried in 10, 000 ways to help his son. He agreed he did try in 10k ways. I said “The time for you to keep trying to save him is over. Other people need to step in and do what it is they have to do.” Likewise with you, OP, the time to help him is over. You were right the first time.

                4. Dan*

                  Thanks NSNR. That was certainly a lesson learned from the school of hard knocks.

                  I feel for your friend. There are few worse feelings in the world than being a parent, giving your kids all of you’ve got, and then they decide to take a path in life that involves “the system” which at that point is out of the parents’ hands.

                  You briefly acknowledged OP’s new relationship. When I think about her current relationship NewGuy, I think about how this would play out. OP would get frustrated with ex not respecting boundaries, and she’d talk want to discuss her frustrations with NewGuy. And NewGuy will ask, “if he frustrates you so much, why do you keep dealing with him?” No matter what the answer is, NewGuy is going to wonder if she’s truly let go of ex, and whether she can be fully present (let alone committed) to new relationship. Her words alone will not resolve his concern.

                5. Not So NewReader*

                  Right on, Dan. OP, this is an important explanation of what happens and how it happens. Often times care this intimate is reserved for parents, other family or a bff. It sucks up huge amounts of time and huge amounts of emotions. This is time and energy that should go into our current partner.

                  Hey, it’s an easy pit to fall into. Years ago, I found myself compulsively taking care of people who actually did not want to be taken care of. They were more interested in unraveling themselves. Now there’s reasons why I was doing this. I could have spent huge amounts of time analyzing why I was doing that or I could figure out how to stop, right now. For me, I landed on watching to see how much they were doing to help themselves first.

                  This is a very simplified example. Let’s say my friend Sue has concern X. Oh my, she is really worried. Since this is my friend and I am concerned for her, I find a resource or two to suggest how she might start to work on her concern. I don’t expect her to use my ideas but I do expect her to take the ideas that people give her and use those ideas as a spring board to find something for herself. So a week later, Sue tells me that she went with an idea (not necessarily mine) and she is working on that. Hey, I can support that 100%. And I am most willing to continue to help in anyway I might be able to help. This is a pretty healthy reaction to difficulty: Confide in trusted people, collect suggestions, pick something and start working on things. In my own life, I am surprised by how people will keep coming back and helping as they see the progress I have made on my own.

                6. Observer*

                  Whatever you do, do NOT answer the “Why not” question. Not now, not ever.

                  This is not just about communications styles. This is about him still thinking that he is entitled to your time and attention.

                  Maybe he’s a manipulative jerk, and maybe he’s just someone who doesn’t get it for Reasons. It doesn’t really matter – he’s making demands that he has absolutely not standing to make. He doesn’t even have the standing to ASK – but he’s gone right past that in trying to get you to justify your response. Don’t feed that sense of entitlement by justifying yourself.

        3. Quandong*

          Having read this extra post, I think it’s even more important to put your needs first.

          I hear you feel a lot of grief, especially about missing your ex’s nieces and nephews, and not being close anymore. But take it from me (having been in a similar position a long time ago) increasing contact with your ex will not alleviate your grief about those things. It will just…add more trauma and triggers to your everyday life, and the grief will still do its thing.

          Please do consider blocking your ex and stopping contact for a set period of time. Maybe think of it as a temporary reprieve, so you can look after your mental and emotional health at an already extremely hard time? Then after time off, you might decide you’re willing to trade off your wellbeing for being in contact with your ex, or you may decide it’s not worth it.

          What kind of support is your current partner willing and able to provide to you? What have they said about the impact your ex is having on you?

          I hope you can be gentle with yourself. You might feel like setting firm boundaries is being unkind, but it seems necessary for you, and your ex is truly not your responsibility.

          This is a hard thing to do, especially coming on top of the most awful worldwide situation.
          I second the recommendation to check out Captain Awkward’s advice, she is kind and very wise.

          Best wishes.

          1. Quandong*

            Ah, I am so behind, apologies, I should have refreshed the page before posting. Other commenters have covered what I wanted to say, with more clarity.

    3. Dan*

      I had a similar marriage, and TBH, I think you have to be straight with him. If it sends him over the edge, that’s *not* on you. I don’t think beating around the bush is working for both you or him, and for some of the more manipulative types, they’ll use any trick they can to keep you roped in. I don’t know if that’s the case here (that is, is it an issue with reading social queues, or he can read them just fine and he’s the manipulative type).

      My ex and I never had kids, so when we split, there was no reason for ongoing contact. I completely ignored her, even when it came to requests for little things “oh, can I have X? I forgot it when I moved out.” Those were met with complete silence from me. She actually broke into the place, and I got the cops to give her a warning for trespassing. She tried showing up again, and I just pulled out the phone and said I was calling the cops if she didn’t turn around and leave in the next 5 seconds. She was like “no don’t call the cops” and I was like “the f’ing leave, you pick” She tried sending me stuff from different email accounts because she thought I was blocking her primary email. Nope, just well practiced with ignoring you.

      So I think you have to tell him what you just said — you can’t be that person for him anywhere, and it’s best to just cut things off completely.

      How he deals with that is up to him and not on you.

    4. Choggy*

      You don’t sound cruel to want to get on with your life and not be dragged back into his drama. He’s an adult, you divorced him because he was not taking the necessary steps to seek help. Keep your contact brief but polite, he has to get used to you not being that person anymore, as you wrote. Maybe you could get some help to get over feeling responsible for him, it’s not you who would push him over the edge as the case may be but his illness.

      1. Anon divorcee*

        Thanks. Getting over feeling responsible for him is definitely something I have been working on in therapy. He hadn’t shared his diagnosis with anyone back then (no idea if he has now), so the care associated with it (which included getting him hospitalized against his will twice) fell to me alone, and I still haven’t gotten over the feeling that if something goes wrong it will be because I failed to provide that care. I still pick up the phone because I half expect it to be a call from the hospital. And then he just wants to chat, and I don’t know how to say no because clearly I’m confined and have nothing else to do? I know I need to work on setting better boundaries, but somehow I’m really bad at that.

        1. Dan*

          I’m going to ask you some dumb questions… do you have Caller ID? If so, does he change his numbers? If you miss a call from the hospital, that begs two further questions: 1) Do you have voicemail? 2) *Does it actually matter*? (That is, are you next of kin/do you have medical POA?)

          I went through a two week period (give or take a few days) as we were splitting up where my ex would call me at all hours of the day an night. After not coming back to the apartment one night without saying anything about where she’s going, she called me up at 5am and said “don’t worry about me, I’m fine.” Well, a little too late for that.

          Somewhere in that time period I just resorted to leaving my phone off, and I’d check it once every day or two for messages. There were some good ones. I called the police non-emergency line to try and verify one of them (cops wouldn’t give me any info, ok-fine-not-my-problem). The second I called the hospital, and *that* story checked out. Then I called her brother in law and said “ex is in the hospital, you deal with it”.

          Leaving the phone off can do wonders.

          1. Observer*

            I would say that if you have a Medical POA (or any POA, for that matter), please talk to a lawyer about getting away from that. You don’t want that responsibility, and you need to make sure that no one can legally pull you into it.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          What to say is not something that is automatically in our genes at birth.

          We have to plan out some scripts we can use as needed.

          You could work with your therapist for some scripts. I bet people would be more than happy to assist with some scripts here for you.

          I’d like to talk about “failing to provide care”. OP, you can’t provide care for him because he WON”T let you. What he is doing is leaning on you instead of going to professionals. If you keep doing as you are doing you are helping him in his goal of avoiding real care. It’s not real (meaning, professional) care, you are putting patches on things so he can get through another day. Think about the future, OP, do you really want to do this for the rest of your life? Of course not.

          Is there a trusted family member of his you can call who will support you and help to peel him away from you?
          Going the other way, do YOU have a trusted friend/family member who would be willing to support your withdrawal from this situation?

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            I’m sending a hug here for OP. It is oh, so hard, to break a bad habit and to learn to set boundaries. I’m one that was overly responsible. (You don’t want to hear my story).

            But what I am lovingly saying here – sister in boundary-setting – is that you have to give yourself time to heal and recognize your patterns, and learn new ones.

            Like leaving a toxic job, leaving a bad relationship takes time to completely heal from. You don’t go back and work weekends at the job from h#$% because they beg you, do you? No. You remind yourself that the toxic workplace was not healthy, and you have to learn not to try to be dysfunctionally-responsive in the new job.

            Same thing here. You need time and space. You should not take on responsibility for him (or for anyone) that is not owning it for themselves. First, try to learn to take care of yourself. And that means letting your no be no… without falling into any of the subtle traps.

            Here to support you. You are on the right path. Keep climbing upward and don’t turn around and go back down into the mire, okay?

        3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

          Your ex is the one who decided not to share his diagnosis with anyone except you. That doesn’t make you responsible for him. Your responsibility at this point is to respect his confidentiality, which doesn’t mean taking his calls if you don’t want. Maybe tell him something like “We broke up, and you said you didn’t even want to look at me. That means you have to look elsewhere for support” or warn him that if he calls you in an emergency, you’ll call his siblings and let them deal with it.

        4. Not So NewReader*

          That lack of sharing the problem with others is a huge red flag for me. My mother had diagnosis X. (X because this is not about the illness, it’s about how it was handled.) I was not allowed to tell anyone that she was ill because that would indicate weakness or failure which was UNACCEPTABLE.

          The resulting avalanche of crap that fell on me, made me think I was going to to die myself. Always be super aware and super cautious when people tell you they have a difficult diagnosis and they have not told anyone worse yet, if they have not sought help on their own.

          Only telling one person of a significant problem and then failing to do anything about it, puts to much on that one person. It can be crushing to that person.

        5. Observer*

          Talk to your therapist – that needs to be your primary focus now.

          If you really think that it could be a call from the hospital that is all the more reason for you to NOT pick up the phone. You are not, and CANNOT be the person handling his care and guiding the hospital. You need to never even start down that road.

          Physically confined to a space does not mean that you don’t have what to do. Besides, even if you don’t have anything else to do, it doesn’t mean you have any obligation to talk to him. “I don’t want to” is a perfectly reasonable reason for not talking to someone you have no obligation to.

          This is the key:

          YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER TO HIM!

          I’m not just shouting, I’m trying to use a megaphone here. He is not entitled to your time and energy which means you do not have to have a “reason”, much less a reason HE accepts! for not speaking to him.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Frankly, I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship with him so long as it’s in this dynamic of “I’m the only one that knows him/can help him.” You couldn’t fix his mental illness for him as his spouse; I don’t see how you can do it as his ex. It’ll just be more and more of him pushing boundaries and getting angry and guilt-trippy on you for not being an all-healing fountain of infinite attention – and if you’re stressed and unavailable in your current relationship because you’re devoting too much time and emotional energy to your ex? That doesn’t bode well for your new relationship.

      I’d suggest not having any sort of contact until you can feel confident that he can be emotionally healthy independent of you, and isn’t looking to revive your previous dynamic, but rather, that you two can be in an emotionally equal friendship.

  45. WellRed*

    My mom lives in a resorts area that’s dead this time of year. She’s very social and has never lived alone before my dad died. She’s out of books and puzzles so has nothing to do but clean and stream and be bored. I really want to send her a cate package with books and snacks ( that I already have). We are now under stay at home. I really shouldn’t go to the post office, right?

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      If my own experience is any indication, while nothing is ideal right now, there are probably worse places you can go than the post office. My local branch always had huge lines before the pandemic, but not now. They have taped lines on the floor to indicate six feet distance, and people are observing it. If you wash/sanitize your hands before you go in and after you go out, it’s probably not a bigger risk than anywhere else; I definitely felt much less fearful in the post office than I did at the supermarket. Your experience may vary!

      1. WellRed*

        How does that work? I don’t have a printer to be able to print my postage label or whatever. I’m not worried about exposure, it’s probably safer then the grocery store, but I am trying to be a responsible citizen.

        1. Max Kitty*

          Unfortunately, I don’t think you can do it if you don’t have a printer. We print out the label.

          The post offices also have automatic machines that you could use. The problem is that they aren’t always working, and then if the office isn’t open you’ve wasted a trip.

    3. Anono-me*

      You can also look at purchasing and printing your postage on line via the USPS website if you are in the USA.

    4. Kathenus*

      Another alternative is to do an online order and have it shipped directly to her, versus sending the items that you have at home.

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      If you have a stay at home order, you should not be going to the post office. Check online to see if they pick up from your house (ours does for free).

      1. Parenthetically*

        Huh. Surely the extent of the stay-at-home is going to vary from state to state? I ordered stamps from the USPS website because I didn’t WANT to make a trip to the post office, but they’re all open in my state and are considered essential.

          1. My Brain Is Exploding*

            Ugh. I made masks and want to send them to the kids. But have no way to weigh the package and therefore get postage. Gonna hope that the machine at the PO is working and go after hours.

            1. morning glory*

              I do this all the time and just estimate. If I underweigh it by a bit, USPS tells me to pay extra for the missing weight. If I overweigh it by a bit, I overpay by a dollar or so.

              Either way it’s worth it to me to not put people’s health at risk by going out unnecessarily (althought honestly, it was worth it beforehand too because I’d rather risk overpaying by a dollar than have to go all the way to the post office).

              1. valentine*

                You can ship flat rate if you have the boxes, which they will deliver to you. You can order them online as you would stamps. It’ll show the price as $0.

                WellRed, you should not go to the post office, and I wouldn’t send anything from one home to another, for fear of cross-contamination.

        2. fposte*

          The order (and its practical interpretation) does vary from state to state–my state, for instance, is officially “Individuals may leave their homes only for essential activities or for essential operations.” There’s definitely been some in-state arguing about interpretation of that, with some people interpreting that as meaning that if a place is open because it supplies essential services a visit there counts as an essential activity regardless of what you’re actually doing there.

          I dislike the different standards in different states because it’s not like each state is getting a different virus, but I’m also pretty strict on my own behavior because I’m fortunate and can manage to be, so sometimes I need to let go of that lens.

      2. WellRed*

        This is actually where we are at. They really don’t want you going out and while I’m worried about moms mental health, she’s fine, this isn’t essential. I’ll look into a pick up.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            That’s normally a good option; however, I’ve noticed that they are prioritizing their shipments. I wanted to order something and I’m told that it won’t arrive until April 26. Every item I wanted had an arrival date between April 21 and April 26, even though they’re in stock and eligible for Amazon Prime.

      3. Oxford Comma*

        I have no printer and I am running out of stamps. I have some bills that must be paid the old-fashioned way: mail.

        What the heck am I gonna do?

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          US post office sells stamps online. ATMs dispense them.
          And some grocery stores sell forever stamps at the cash register. You could call the next time you need to buy groceries, and find one that has stamps.

          1. Oxford Comma*

            Thank you! I have never seen an ATM with stamps and I do not have a printer, , but I will see if the store carries them.

            1. Old and Don’t Care*

              Don’t know if this varies by region even with the same bank but whenever I go to a Fifth Third ATM I have to tell it “No, I do not want to buy stamps”.

            2. NACSACJACK*

              USBank in the midwest. Also, you can buy stamps from machines just inside some Post Offices

        3. The Other Dawn*

          Typically grocery stores have stamps. I’ve also noticed that Staples and CVS have them, too. I haven’t yet seen an ATM that sells them, but I do know it’s a thing. You can also see if there’s a self-service USPS kiosk in your area.

    6. T. Boone Pickens*

      An alternate suggestion possibly…

      I’m not sure what the local library situation looks like for you two but I know with mine being closed they’ve done a really nice job of having a ton of e-books being available. Perhaps you could start doing some impromptu book club activities where you pick a book, have some discussion on it and rinse/repeat?

    7. Not A Manager*

      I think UPS will pick up from your home. You can leave the package outside the door.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Order something online and put in her address as the “ship to” address?

    10. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’m pretty sure my branch post office has a self serve kiosk where you can weigh and mail a package. You could probably google for your location.

    12. Anono-me*

      Remember if you do stamps for postage there is a weight limit at which you have to go into the post office to mail the package. I think it’s 12 or 13 Oz. I’m pretty sure it’s on most blue mailboxes.

    13. NaoNao*

      You can do a print and ship label and schedule a pick up from your front door if you feel comfortable doing so!

  46. Myrin*

    Alison! I’ve been around the open threads a little less recently so I don’t know if you’ve talked about this already – I apologise if you have! But how are the new kitties getting along with the old ones, and vice versa? Especially Eve, with how much trouble she had adjusting when she first came to live with you guys, and when Sophie and Wallace haven’t been with you that long yet, either!

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      They are all doing great! They’re all friends with each other, play together, chase each other, etc. (Well, Olive isn’t playing with them yet, but everyone else is, and she’ll come around once she realizes this means she can play chase more. She loves being chased.) The adjustment has been remarkably fast.

      Shadow is still a little nervous and was mostly living in the bedroom for a while, but he’s begun venturing into other parts of the house now and when he forgets to be nervous he’s very affectionate. (For a while I seriously wondered if he had memory problems; he’d cuddle in my lap and then two hours later act like he’d forgotten who I was. That’s finally stopped.) He’s been trying to cuddle with all the cats, but only Hank and Sophie will let him. We actually think he might be a lot younger than the rescue group guessed; they told us he was six, but it was based on shaky info and to us he seems like he might be the youngest of the whole group, like barely an adult.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Fears go out of them slowly it seems. It’s amazing to watch them push through their fears and eventually rise above those fears.

  47. Nicki Name*

    Trivial personal problem time!

    I started wearing underwire bras a few months ago, after going to the local large-bra store and finding that the style that fit me best was an underwire one. I’ve mostly adjusted to them, but there’s one thing I can’t figure out. The bra strap on one side keeps slipping over my shoulder. The bra stays in place, but it’s distracting.

    I’ve tried tightening up that strap, but it doesn’t seem to do anything until it’s too tight to be comfortable. Also, that’s the side with the larger boob, so why is that one getting loose? This is defying all my knowledge of logic and physics. Help?

        1. Generic Name*

          Yeah, agreed. It’s my understanding that straps falling down are a symptom of the band being too big.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Might be size, but I also suggest pulling the back down farther, most of us wear our bras too high in the back. It should be well below your shoulder blades in the back.

        1. ThatGirl*

          But some people don’t know their bands should be lower. I had mine professionally fitted and still need to pull it down sometimes.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          For me it was. I got a narrower band (two hook and sets rather than three) and bras started staying in place.

    3. Beatrice*

      I haven’t been professionally fitted in ages, but I have one bra that does that on both sides, but it has a hook in the back that converts it to an X-back, and that fixes it. It may be the wrong size but it’s otherwise comfortable and attractive, so that’s what I’m doing.

    4. Freelance Accountant*

      I know it seems counter-intuitive, but if your bra strap keeps slipping down, don’t tighten the strap that’s slipping. It means the band needs to be tightened. As you wear a bra the band will stretch out slightly. Going to the next tightest set of hooks on the band will keep the straps from slipping down. Sounds crazy, but I read it somewhere and gave it a try, and it worked for me!

    5. Auntie Social*

      Next time try a bra that hooks in front. I find they ride up far less often, and when they do it’s not too much.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      This might help: move the strap end closer to the middle of the bra back. I find racer-style bra straps never fall off my shoulders. Best of Luck.

    7. SpellingBee*

      Also look and see where the straps attach to the body of the bra. I have slightly sloping shoulders, so I can’t wear a bra with the straps placed to the outside edges of the cup, as the straps won’t stay in place no matter how tight I make the band. I have to be sure that the straps attach more or less to the center of the top of the cup, and also that in the back they’re closer to the center as well. Racer backs are great for me, but not always easy to find.

      1. Editor*

        Second the warning on position of straps. I broke my collarbone on one side when I was a kid, and I have to shorten the strap on that side, but because the shoulder slopes, straps that are inside or angled just work better.

        I can never get the bra band to stay low in back, even when I wore some professionally fitted bras. Apparently I am (?) long-shouldered (for lack of a better term) and straps are only just barely long enough. And unlike bands, there are no strap lengtheners because there’s no place to insert them.

        If I survive this virus, my first wish for the economy we rebuild afterward is that local sewing specialists will make custom bras. Maybe I would be comfortable, and it would be a job that isn’t easily automated or off-shored.

      2. 'Tis Me*

        But you can convert any strappy bra to a racer (either with an actually designed for that converter or by pulling them together with a hairband/paperclip/other) :)

  48. Potatoes gonna potate*

    anybody going out for drives? I know on last week’s post a lot of people wrote that going out for a walk is fine which I’m still a little scared to do. But I do enjoy driving. I feel like a closed car could be safe. But maybe not an open window, idk.

    1. LGC*

      I don’t drive myself, but…the danger is being around other people, from what I’ve heard. You can go for a scenic drive, BUT don’t stop at any stores along the way!

      The risk is pretty negligible even if you have a window open, from what I understand. (I’m not a health professional, so take that as you will.) For you to contract COVID (or the flu or a cold or even measles – which is proven to be horrifyingly contagious), it’d require someone to be symptomatic in the area you drive through and for the virus to linger long enough to get in your car. (Or, okay, someone to breathe on your car as you drive by and for you to touch where they breathed on your car.)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Oh definitely no stores! Just a little drive, so I could listen to some music and I dont’ forget my driving ability.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Sounds great! And have you looked at gas prices lately? This is an excellent time to go for a drive. And the roads are empty too.

          1. valentine*

            I would keep the windows closed and try to choose a less-populated time of day, but everyone might have the same idea.

    2. Anon for this*

      No, if you’re under a stay-at-home order, you should only drive if going to an essential business. Stay at home.

      1. Parenthetically*

        That’s not the regulation in my state at all. Our governor has explicitly said that going for drives, walks, bike rides, etc. is fine as long as you maintain social distancing on paths and trails.

        1. HBJ*

          Ditto. There are states that explicitly allow going outside for any and all outdoor activities (anything from bird watching to running to rock climbing to motor sports like ATVing) as long as six feet of distance is maintained between you and people not in your household.

          1. WellRed*

            Yep, stay at home order here but they relaxed fishing licenses to encourage fresh air. Fishing season started April 1.

        2. Old and Don’t Care*

          Yes, all this. “Stay at home but enjoy our wonderful state parks!” Which would be an hour from me. Go for a drive if you want, OP.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Unfortunately, they’re going to have to close the parks here, as people are crowding them and not really listening.

    3. Parenthetically*

      There’s no reason not to go for drives with your windows down, take a walk in the park, ride your bike, etc. The WHO’s guidance is that the virus is not being transmitted just floating through the air.

    4. LibbyG*

      A drive would be safe for you, but it would be pretty bad if you had engine trouble or an accident or something and needed a tow or a treatment for your injury. Minimizing all the non-COVID stuff is part of the stay-home strategy.

      Maybe some Google Earth adventures would be fun?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s why I drive at 20MPH :) But jokes aside yes what you said makes sense. i’m not finding any strict guidance on going for leisurely drives in my state, only guidance for delivery/truck drivers. IF I did this, I wouldn’t go anywhere, just drive and come home.

        1. LibbyG*

          Driving like you’re taking your road test! :)

          The way I see it is “no unnecessary driving,” but a leisurely drive might be an important contributor to well being and, in that way, necessary.

    5. Deanna Troi*

      It depends on the state. Someone was ticketed near me for going out for a drive that had no essential purpose. You’re allowed to go out for a walk, and can drive to the trail/park, but can’t just drive for the sake of driving.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Oh yikes. That’s what I’ve been trying to google for my state (NY) but keep coming up wtih information on essential drivers, nothing that specifically says “don’t go for leisurely drives.”

          On another note, a lot of it seems like common sense – 6 foot distance, only go out for essentials (medical related or groceries) and that’s it! That’s the case in NY but there are still people holding parties/gatherings! It’s absolutely frustrating.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I mean, I’m going out for drives and ultimately, how can they possibly enforce it? I’ve also been going out for drives out of the city in search of hand sanitizer from time to time. There’s no reason you couldn’t just say you were on your way to a store/care for a family member/etc.

  49. Jaid*

    The past couple of nights, my insomnia has kicked in. I toss and turn for hours, only to finally fall asleep at four in the morning. I know the best way to kick this is to have a regular schedule…which isn’t happening.

    I’m not too worried about it for now, but when I’m finally called back to work…hoo boy.

    1. Voluptuousfire*

      I hear you. Melatonin did nothing when my recent bouts of insomnia kicked in. My anxiety was sky high due to personal issues and everything going on. Doing a lot of physical cleaning helped but then again I was getting tired by 7:30 and going to bed early would only have me up at 3 am wide awake. Luckily it evens out.

  50. I'm the neighborhood grouch I guess*

    You know that thing that people like to do at Halloween where they give someone a treat and something to put on their door, then task them with paying it forward within 24-48 hours? I’ll see if I can find a link and put it in the comments. I am always mildly annoyed with that thing in the best of times (Here’s a treat AND A JOB!)
    Well, someone in my neighborhood started a similar thing. Called it “You’ve been Germed” (can you see my eyes rolling?) and had a little cartoonish corona virus to put on the door. Dropped it off on my door earlier this week with a bag of Cadbury mini eggs.
    The thing is….
    I don’t have any way to photocopy the instructions. Don’t even have a working printer right now. Also don’t have any treats to pass along, and did my big shopping the day before. Plus 60 hour work week, and getting my teens to do school and trying to do extra cleaning all the time….I just couldn’t.
    So I stuck the germ picture on my door and moved on with my mountains of work to do.
    Yesterday there was a sticky note on my door reminding me to “keep it going”
    Thanks to my doorbell camera, I knew exactly who it was. So I emailed her:
    “Dear (neighbor), thank you for the treats you left on my door. My boys enjoyed them so much I didn’t even get any! Unfortunately, with the ongoing crisis, I don’t have a way to photocopy the papers, nor do I have any spare treats laying around. Lockdown rules mean I’m only shopping once a week. I don’t feel comfortable sharing home baked treats anonymously right now, either. I simply cannot take on the obligation that came with the treats. I do appreciate that you’re trying to raise morale and community in really hard times, I just can’t take one more thing right now. If I’d seen the candy you brought by before my boys tore into it, I would have simply passed it on to keep it going. I am sorry I’ve disappointed you.”
    She hasn’t responded.

      1. valentine*

        Not only are you under no obligation, but what she’s doing is reckless. “Stay home” doesn’t mean “Share physical stuff with people outside your household!”

        (And for the “No government rule to stay home” crowd: You staying home helps, too!)

    2. fposte*

      I’m not crazy about increased traffic to people’s doors right now anyway, even before you get into the weird content (wouldn’t it be funny if that got dropped at the door of somebody with family in the hospital, ha-ha?) and the photocopy demand. I think you did fine and you’re not going to be the only one letting this drop.

    3. WellRed*

      Well, you probably made her feel bad with your laundry list of no. What’s she supposed to say to that? Can’t you just pass on the note in your door? Why do you need a photocopy? Do you really not have anything for a treat? Does it have to be food? I’ve never heard of this ritual, so genuinely curious?

      2. Queer Earthling*

        Making someone feel bad isn’t the worst thing in the world tbh. They aren’t sitting there insulting them, just stating that this isn’t something they can do. If the neighbor chooses to feel bad about that, then that’s not really OP’s fault.

        1. Kiwi with laser beams*

          And even if she does feel bad (and nobody except maybe OP knows whether she does or not), as Alison has said before, being mortified is part of the human experience. We all feel mortified at times, and while for some of us it might feel overwhelming in the moment, it eventually fades. And if the neighbour is a good person, she’d ultimately rather know that her idea caused trouble so that she can rethink it.

      3. I'm the neighborhood grouch I guess*

        I don’t really care if I made her feel bad by refusing to play her stupid game.
        The way it works is that you stick the note on your door so people know you’ve already gotten treats. You photocopy the note and send it with the treat so the next recipient knows how to play the game.
        And yes, it’s supposed to be a food treat, and yes, I really don’t have any unopened premade treats in the house. We’re sticking with meal food with our grocery budget so I didn’t stock up on unopened candy.

      4. RagingADHD*

        She’s supposed to say, “OMG, no problem! It’s just a game, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot. Glad the boys enjoyed the treats, see you on the other side!”

        Because that is the kind of thing an actual nice person says when they realize they overstepped a little. As opposed to a petty, bored, immature person who pouts when everyone doesn’t follow orders.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      I think your response was gracious and polite. Roping people into these things is bad at the best of times, but currently, WOW, the risks involved in doing this right now are huge. It sounds like she is well-meaning, but really not getting it. Don’t worry if she pouts about it. You have given her more than enough reasons to say no thank you. I mean, really – printer, spare treats, limited shopping trips, home baking safety. She’d be pretty tone-deaf if she misses all that. You were kind & polite, and even apologized for disappointing her. You are a good neighbor! :)

    5. Jedi Squirrel*

      Your neighbor is an idiot.

      I would have hosed down the treat bag with Lysol spray and then punted it into the front yard.

      Then I would have emailed her telling her “If you’re not going to stay in your own house, stay the eff away from mine.”

      This stuff is serious. People are dying. Your neighbor needs to get a clue.

      1. ThatGirl*

        That seems like a bit of an overreaction. Nobody’s likely to get sick from a few treats. I would have probably just ignored the pass it on part.

          1. fposte*

            I don’t think this game is a good plan right now, but in my state you’re not required to stay within your house, and going for a walk around the neighborhood is accepted and common.

          2. ThatGirl*

            As fposte noted, it’s fine to walk around your own neighborhood. Mine is very quiet and I never get that close to people. I mean this kindly, but you seem very cranky today.

            1. Jedi Squirrel*

              Yes, I am cranky because people are not following the quarantine guidelines.

              I suppose when bodies start piling up in the streets like they are in South America, people will get serious about this disease. People disregard what happened in China, because it’s in China, but their healthcare system is actually better than ours. Our system will collapse because people don’t like being inconvenienced. This is quarantine, it isn’t a vacation.

        2. People have died, people are dying*

          I would be horrified if a neighbor dropped an anonymous package with a request on my doorstep. All my extra funds are going to feed school children. I am at risk and have been home for almost 4 weeks. How anyone thinks this is morale booster. Stay home. Stay safe. Do no come to my home.

          1. ThatGirl*

            Again, I’d ignore the request, it’s a little silly, but horrified still seems like quite an overreaction to me. It’s a silly little thing intended to lift spirits.

            1. Diahann Carroll*

              It’s not an overreaction when the person saying this clearly says she’s in the at-risk category. People need to have a seat and stop this cutesy nonsense right now – you have no idea what medical issues your neighbors are dealing with that put them at a greater risk of death should they catch this virus.

              1. ThatGirl*

                Then she shouldn’t have brought them inside, I guess? Look, I’m only speaking for myself, everyone has to manage their own risks. Don’t think I don’t take this seriously, I do. Inviting a neighbor in is high risk. Eating candy or whatever is not.

                1. Diahann Carroll*

                  Where did People have died say she brought anything inside? My comment was to say that her comment wasn’t an overreaction – she, as an at-risk individual, has the right to be horrified by the idea of a stranger who may be carrying this virus dropping off candy at her doorstep and posting something directly on her door when we have no clue exactly how this virus is transmitted. All of the advice given and the talking points about transmission is based on other known viruses, of which this one is not. People are right to be concerned that you could in fact pick up the bag or remove the note from your door with the intention of throwing them out in your yard and then catching this virus. Don’t tell people they’re overreacting since, as you said, everybody has their own level of risk tolerance and this is hers.

        3. Not A Manager*

          “Nobody’s likely to get sick from a few treats.”

          What makes you think that?

          1. Natalie*

            Because this is a disease spread from close personal contact with *other people*, not food, and not surfaces.

            This game sounds dumb and I would probably ignore it, but realistically it’s incredibly low risk.

            1. Diahann Carroll*

              Low risk doesn’t mean no risk at all. And considering that just a few weeks ago, people were saying you could only get this virus from touching something that had the virus on it and then touching your own eyes, mouth, or nose, and now they’re saying it’s airborne and can be spread from even speaking to someone with it, we have no idea whether this is truly low risk. We don’t know enough about this virus to say anything with certainty, so I get why people are not playing around right now.

              1. Katzenberg*

                So she doesn’t touch the note or the treats. She leaves them where they are. Or she gets rid of them wearing gloves directly into a garbage bin outside. Or she gets another neighbour to get rid of them for her. And she ignores that it happened or she communicates to this person that she doesn’t want any more stuff dropped off on her property.

                I think it is very important to accept what we don’t know, but also to be aware of common sense solutions to problems. People Are Dying and none of us everything about coronavirus, but there are ways of handling this particular situation without leaping into horror or getting all up on our high horses when we think other people are doing it wrong. I know it’s asking a lot of this particular comment section but y’all need to chill out.

                1. Diahann Carroll*

                  Or you can stop being dismissive of other poster’s concerns and skip their comments if you don’t like them. That works, too.

              2. People are dying...*

                Diahann Carroll. Just to say thank saying this. My issue is that people are chiming in from all around the country. There is a failure of imagination in the sense that “I don’t know anyone who is sick or has died and why are you making such a big deal” I hope I am over reacting, I pray that I am overacting but all scientific evidence to date and the experience of friends and family (and yes, I know someone who has died ) say that being horrified at the cavalier behavior of others is a reasonable response.

            2. BuildMeUp*

              That’s… not actually true? The CDC website says that, although person-to-person contact is the *main* way the virus spreads, it may still be possible to get the virus from contact with a contaminated surface.

              Look, this is a new virus that hasn’t been studied. The point is that we just don’t *know* whether it can be transmitted through surface contact. Why risk it?

        4. BuildMeUp*

          “Nobody’s likely to get sick from a few treats.”

          How do you know this? Are you a doctor or scientist? Because the CDC website recommends disinfecting surfaces and hand-washing and says “It may be possible that a person can get COVID-19 by touching a surface or object that has the virus on it and then touching their own mouth, nose, or possibly their eyes.”

        5. Seeking Second Childhood*

          If a package has been recently sneezed on yes it’s a possible vector. Diamond Princess they were finding some viable virus on surfaces something like 17 days. It was crazy scary to me.

    6. Reba*

      oof I like that “sorry I’ve disappointed you.” Withering!

      I’m being serious, btw, I think your response is great.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Huh. This is not a thing I’ve ever heard of. I think I would’ve just continued ignoring it, but I pretty much always ignore my neighbors, so boosting the confrontation is totally not my thing.

    8. Anono-me*

      As a family that’s trying to maintain the intent as well as the letter of the law regarding social distancing due to preexisting health issues; I would have been upset by finding this on my front door. (Because someone whose judgment is suspect would have had to physically walk up to my door and place it there. C19 may survive in surfaces for 9 days.) Then, I would have mentally rolled my eyes, pitched it in the trash, lysoled the door way and chalked it up to good intentions, but bad judgment.

      What really seems over-the-top is the second anonymous note on your door urging you to “pass it on”. First I’m not a big fan of taking candy from strangers at any time. Second, what are you supposed to pass on candy or C 19? Third, how closely is she monitoring your household and what you do that she know you haven’t passed this along to other neighbors? (This part that really creeps me out. )

      I think your response was kindly meant and much more mild than many people would have phrased it.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      She’s embarrassed or maybe she’s ticked off.
      She’ll get over it.

      FWIW, I am glad you explained it to her. I find it kind of weird that she knew you did not pass it on. (What is she watching you?) This makes me doubly glad that you were candid.

      She was presumptuous. If she had just left the treats and expected nothing then I’d say there is no problem here. It’s her expectation that you can do the same as she did, that is so presumptuous and annoying.

      A friend of mine wisely pointed out that everyone is wrestling with something right now. It’s best to assume that people have something else far more important on their plate than whatever thing we come up with to do.

    10. Sunset Maple*

      Your response was beyond gracious; she didn’t even deserve that extensive explanation. I’d be unable to come up with anything other than “I don’t have time for this bullshit”.

    11. Overeducated*

      It’s sort of a sweet idea, but everyone hates chain letters because of the involuntary obligation. We’ve all known this since 7th grade. Rolling eyes with you.

  51. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Y’all, I had to send my sweet Sassy over the rainbow bridge on Wednesday. She was 16, and she had a stroke and was blind and deaf at the end. I couldn’t even be with her at the end due to the vet’s office not letting anyone in because of CoVid-19. I am not handling this well at all. I’ve lost pets before, but this is killing my soul.

    Any advice on how to cope?

    1. Max Kitty*

      I’m so very, very sorry. It’s so hard even in the best of times, and this isn’t that. Please try to give yourself some kindness. You did the very best you could for Sassy. It’s crushing that you couldn’t be with her at the end, but you did the very best you could. I’m sure she knew she was loved.

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet kitty. I’ve said goodbye to two elderly kitties in the past two years, so I can sympathize. The thing that helped me most was just acknowledging how I felt at any time. Sometimes I cried, sometimes I could look at their pictures and smile. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve.

    3. Saying goodbye is hard*

      oh I am so sorry. When I said goodbye to my Katie Dog, it actually helped to write about her on facebook, post some pictures.

    4. Goodbye Skouby*

      We expect to be in your shoes with our kitty Skouby next week. He’s been struggling with a bowel condition or possibly cancer for the last 3 months and he’s getting very thin. He is still eating, but seems to be uncomfortable and crying more than usual.

      This is never easy and we’ve taken the trip to the bridge 3 times before with senior cats; I expect this time to be especially hard as we can’t be with him at the end.

      I look at all the love, affection and always being there for us during their lives, which we then express with our grief at the end. This hurt will never be completely heal but will lessen over time.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Try thinking of all the times she knew you actually were there.

      Ya know the thing about grief is that we can get stuck on one photograph in our heads. But life is a movie, it’s a long string of photos. The thing about the one single photo in our head is that it does not allow for surrounding context the way a movie adds in more context. Usually that photo is raw, unnerving, eh, it can keep us awake at night.

      Try thinking of the doc and the assistant petting her and talking to her. They are telling her she has been a good kitty companion. Add more context to what you see in your head. Right, it’s not the same as you being there.
      That is totally correct. However, you did the next best thing, you sent someone you trusted to be there with her.

      Terrible story made super short. I had a major difficulty with one dog. My husband and his friend rushed her to the vets. The story ended sadly. However, there is one image that stuck in my head. We had called ahead (before cellphones) and when my husband got to the vet he said the doc was waiting at the mouth of his loooong driveway with his emergency kit in his hand.

      I thought about that vet standing there in the dark on a cold night just waiting for someone who he has NEVER met to show up. Heroic in my mind, absolutely heroic. That vet will always have a special place in my heart for his sincerity and his work ethic. My suggestion here is what think to yourself what other stories are running here at the same time? Do you see a story that warms you heart?

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Just a virtual hug. I sent her picture (doing her favorite walk, a few weeks before), to those friends and family who loved her (and love me). And I honored her by (when I could) donating to a rescue in my her name.
      Mostly, by talking about her good qualities, and how she made me a better person and got me through one of the toughest times of my life. I still smile and think of her when I see rainbows.

    7. Sam I Am*

      I’m so sorry.
      “Feel your feelings” is important, but so is not getting sucked into a grief vortex.
      Try writing a little about it, even if you don’t keep a regular journal. Set a timer and have at it for 15 minutes. Writing engages some different neural pathways than thinking or talking, and this will just be another way to process. Maybe that will help in this time when your normal emotional outlets my be unavailable (hugs etc.).

    9. KR*

      Know that she loved you so very much and knew that you loved her. Even if you couldn’t be there, those memories of fun and snuggles and lap sits and treats are there. I’m so sorry you couldn’t be there and I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye. It’s always too soon.

    10. Avasarala*

      Can you hold a funeral, or some kind of memorial for her, in your home, in a way that would be meaningful to you?

      And it’s ok to take this hard, and it’s OK to take it extra hard right now. You will get through this. Hang in there.

  52. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’d appreciate some positive thoughts. My husband thinks he has appendicitis. I just dropped him off at the ER, but I can’t go in with him because of COVID-19. So now I am sitting at home watching trash TV and eating an egg and cheese biscuit while I wait for some news.

    1. Jennifer*

      I hope he will be okay. Best wishes to your family.

      A good distraction is Making the Cut on Amazon Prime or Nailed It on Netflix.

    2. fposte*

      Well, that’s definitely going to add to your stress. Hopefully at least it’s clear cut one way or another and he’s feeling better and home soon.

    3. CupcakeCounter*

      My son is starting to develop (another) an abscess in his ear. Hoping we can encourage it to erupt on its own without have to go to Urgent Care again.

    4. good wishes to the universe*

      oh I am so sorry. watching stupid TV is my go-to. Reading The Bloggess is always a treat.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      Yep, it’s appendicitis. They’re taking him to surgery in about an hour. I’m sitting at home waiting for the surgeon to call when it’s over.

      1. fposte*

        Oof. Well, appendectomies are often pretty low-key; hopefully his will be and he’ll be home soon.

      3. Jean (just Jean)*

        Wishing you as brief a wait as possible, and him as speedy a recovery as possible. Emanating good thoughts to both of you and his health care team.

      5. Anono-me*

        Sending good thoughts and prayers if you want them.

        When/if you have the energy, please let us know how you both are doing?

      6. Not So NewReader*

        Good thoughts, positive vibes and all that good stuff. You will have to let us know how it goes. Picture us waiting with you.

      7. LibbyG*

        I’m another person waiting with you! Here’s hoping for the most routine of routine procedures!

      9. 'Tis Me*

        Definitely the right call to drop him off at the hospital then – but oof to not being able to be there.

        I hope the call comes back soon and all is well, and you can collect him not much later.

      10. MsChanandlerBong*

        He’s home! I wasn’t really worried since it’s a routine procedure and I’ve had multiple abdominal surgeries and came out just fine, but there was a bit of miscommunication that had me a bit nervous. They came at 2:20 and said they were taking him to surgery; the surgeon was going to call me afterward. Well I thought they meant he was going into surgery shortly after. So it’s 3:30, 4:30, 5:30–no word, and I know an appendectomy only takes an hour or so. I called and managed to get patched through to the PACU, and it turns out he’d just been hanging out there the whole time. They had just taken him to the OR and gotten him intubated four minutes before I called! He got done around 6:45, and they called me at 9:30 to go pick him up. They don’t want anyone staying there unless absolutely necessary due to COVID-19, so they just watched him for a few hours and made sure he could stand up and use the restroom on his own, and then they discharged him.

        4. NoLongerYoung*

          Glad he’s home!!! How hard to be waiting and waiting… so thankful for you that it was in and out – same day!

  53. notinstafamous*

    A good friend is being repatriated back from her overseas aid work. I’ve set her up with an apartment and food for 2 weeks while she quarantines. Any ideas for other touches of things I could get delivered or have ready for her while she’s there? She’s probably lost her job so it’s a stressful time, plus potential reverse culture shock, and I want to ease the 2 weeks as much as possible before she can move in with family. Maybe some books? Alcohol seems like a bad idea if she’s alone?

    1. WellRed*

      If she likes wine or whatever, yes. Us single people can be trusted to drink responsibly.
      Otherwise, does she like pampering? Some face masks or a foot scrub and a nice candle?

      1. valentine*

        Alcohol seems like a great idea if she’s alone!

        Writing and art supplies. A Teddy bear, if she’d like one. A tent, or enough blankets to build a fort.

    2. Koala dreams*

      Nice soap, tea/coffee, biscuits, books, a puzzle, crosswords if she’s into that. A small plushie to welcome her home?

    3. Claire*

      A small houseplant, if the apartment doesn’t have any, or some flowers? A good scented candle? Those are two things I’ve invested in recently that I’m really enjoying.

      1. willow for now*

        I second the plant. When I (used to) travel and stay for more than a couple days in the same hotel, I would get a plant, once I left it outside and heard people commenting on it as they walked past. Makes it feel more like home to me.

    4. Blueberry*

      you’re an excellent friend. I know music can often be helpful, if you can get her some player or such.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Does she do puzzles? Puzzles can be really good for redirecting thoughts and allowing people to collect their thoughts on matters.

    6. loislolane*

      Books, puzzles and magazines would be nice I’m sure. Maybe some crafting things if she’s into that?

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Don’t forget soap, shampoo, dish detergent and some laundry detergent.

      A jigsaw puzzle, a crossword or sudoku book, a couple of books or magazines, some spare pens, a blank notebook. Make sure there’s some snack food and desserts, coffee and tea (and cream and sugar), and something to brew the coffee in. I wouldn’t necessarily stock it with hard liquor, but a couple six packs of decent beer, and a couple of bottles of wine would be a nice touch.

      A set of plug-in speakers for phone/laptop, so she can play music without headphones, and a spare USB charger. A couple of plug adaptors if she’s coming from a different electrical system, so she can plug stuff in. Maybe something crafty, like a cross stitch kit, or an adult colouring book and pack of pencil crayons.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      How about a small book of postage stamps in case she has any bills that can’t be paid online? And I hate to say it but in this environment, make sure she has a thermometer and bleach. Thanks for being there for someone who was there for others!

  55. Feeling childish*

    I see no solution to this so just want to vent as the people I talk to think I’m making this into too big of a deal. 

    I’m living with my family that is religiously conservative. A big part of this is eating meat (think halal or kosher). 

    My personal beliefs are that I’m not picky about what I eat – I avoid pork and will cook and eat meat from a regular grocery store or when eating out. If special meat is available, great, but I will not go out of my way to obtain it. 

    However, majority of the specialized meat shops are closed now. Delivery services do not deliver to our area or are open only 1 day a week which means it gets extremely crowded (to me that defeats the purpose of social distancing).

    Majority of the regular/big chain grocery stores are actually practicing social distancing and enacting special hours. 

    My family has decided that if “we” can’t find it, “we” have to go without it. If I bring it home, it’s WW3.

    What I’m really upset about is that this choice is being forced upon me. It’s not physical force but it’s daily screaming and I’m so so so sick of it. I think they are being very irrational and it’s not possible to have a rational conversation with them.

    Everyone I’ve relayed this to thinks I’m just being childish — that it’s just meat/it’s just food, being a vegetarian is NBD, etc. Keep the peace, stop fighting, stop being so sensitive etc. My siblings who live far away eat pork and say it’s no big deal to go without meat (it’s no big deal because it doesn’t affect them).

    I’m feeling like a child again with choices being imposed upon me and I can’t express how much I absolutely hate it. I was already planning to move out by this winter, but I lost my job so that’s been pushed back indefinitely.

    1. Koala dreams*

      Can’t you cook separate food? If you keep your food separate, for example in a plastic box in the fridge, and cook your own meals, maybe it would be an acceptable compromise. I think the religious angle makes this more difficult. Religion is such a personal thing.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Forgive me if I’m getting the wrong impression here, but is the problem actually the meat, or is that you feel that your parents refuse to accept that you are an adult and are allowed to make different choices from them, and you can’t get out at the moment?

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, I agree it sounds like the food is sort of the proxy for the deeper conflict here, and I wonder if the “forced teaming” is going on in other areas as well.

        So sorry, living in close quarters with family can be stressful even under the best of circumstances, let alone pandemic times when all the release valve places and activities are closed!

    3. LibbyG*

      I can see why this is so maddening for you! Food and clothes are both such personal realms of choice, and when you’re already frustrated about your job/living situation — oof! I would have an extremely hard time in your position. You aren’t being childish; you’re being subject to an infantilizing situation. I guess if they want to keep a kosher/halal/whatever home, that’s their prerogative, but it’s not fair for everyone to deny that it’s hard for you.

    4. heckofabecca*

      This sounds so frustrating for you. I’m so sorry that the people you talk to aren’t giving you support and the space to vent—that’s really unkind of them.. I’m so sorry your plans to move out to create a home of your own, one where your own decisions are the ones that matter, have to be put on even longer hold. No wonder you feel powerless!!!

      I would encourage you to try and step back and see the situation from the other side. Imagine if you were a non-related guest in their home. The dynamic is absolutely affected by the fact that you’re living in your parents’ home, but the fact is that they wouldn’t allow this from ANYONE. It’s not about you being their child, and controlling you in particular. If my understanding as a kosher-keeper applies here, you’re essentially defiling their home by not adhering to their rules. Yes, it sounds frigging ridiculous. But it’s important to them.

      All of us get stuck in our ways, and when we’re at the mercy of someone else with different ways, it SUCKS. And it always sucks more when that someone else has a narrower range of what’s acceptable!!! And it always sucks *most* when we’re dealing with parents, who have an uncanny way of making us feel and act like children again. It really really sucks. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

      Would you be able to get something prepared and eat it not in the house? I know it’s cold, but do you have your own car? Could you eat it there, or outside (away from others!) or something like that?

      1. Wahoo*

        Great suggestions here. I also want to ask the OP–are you cooking/eating on their dishes? If it’s kosher (or halal, I’m less familiar) that’s a big, big deal. I grew up in a kosher home, and while I’m now a vegetarian I couldn’t imagine bringing non kosher meat into a kosher home, but that’s what I’m familiar with. Don’t take it personally.

        Are you living with them because of quarantine or is this a longer standing conflict? If it’s their home, unfortunately I would just play by their rules and eat meat in the car if you can. If not, I would fuss in private and find a way to move out once things are back to normal.

        1. Feeling childish*

          My family isn’t strict about the dishes, just the actual meat. I’ve been able to cook non-“religious” meat in the past and they’re inconsistent about voicing their disapproval.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            That inconsistency is what grates so much. It appears to change according to whim. And then it’s way too easy to start reading a whole bunch of stuff into it. And you have the added layer of no job, moving home, etc. It totally makes sense that the situation feels out of control. It is.

            Promise yourself that this is temporary, because it is. Don’t skip this step of promising yourself that you will extract you from this setting asap. Our promises to ourselves are super important.

            If you can order take out food, sneak out and get it. Eat it in your car. Not kidding! You have to do what it is you need to do.

            Next step, do something to ramp up your plan to get out. My parents were difficult. Other people have had far worse situations, so for the most part I had many things to be grateful for. But in the heat of the moment, it was almost impossible to remember what to be grateful for. My parents drove me batty. When we had a crazy-making moment, I would take down time, away from them, to work on my plans to get out of the house. I did not do anything major each time, but the effect was cumulative and I was able to move on.

            Sometimes all we really have is what is in our minds. And that is what we need the most. I used my parents’ battiness as a reminder to get more prepared to move on. I told myself, I could keep rehashing the last argument in my head OR I could spend those minutes/hours working on my promise to myself to extract myself from my setting. I could not do both.

            Your folks have their own relationship with each other and their own difficulties with each other. It’s not up to you to fix that or referee that. AND you don’t have to let them make it YOUR problem, either. That inconsistency thing is oh-so-familiar to me and it was the last straw. It’s okay to say, “You need to sort through your own confusion. I can’t help you.”

    5. Anono-me*

      There’s lots of good advice here. And I think Libby G’s line about being frustrated at being in an infantilizing situation is very well put. And I suspect that HeckofaBecka is correct that your parents would ask any guest in their house not to eat nonreligious meat. (But probably much more politely.)

      Something to consider :Do all of the neighbors practice the same strict religious restrictions on meat as your family? If so, this might be more complicated by the fact that your family may fear that they would face a certain degree of social ostracism if it came out that you were eating the ‘wrong kind of meat’. You will be moving out as soon as things settled down and you get back on your feet. Your parents will still be there and dealing with the community.

      That being said. If I don’t have meat for a few days, I find my body craving it. So your stress might not just be the emotional and relationship aspects.

      If your body is reacting to the lack of meat; is there someone who can mail you a package of jerky and some Laughy Taffy?(One of those siblings who keeps telling you the meet rule is no big deal maybe?) Wrap a piece of jerky in a Laffy Taffy wrapper and eat it when you’re out for a walk.

      1. Feeling childish*

        No, we’re the only ones of “our kind” in our neighborhood, so there wouldnt’ be that social ostracism. I even know of “elders” who are relaxed about eating meat so it’s not really so much of a thing anymore. It’s just like….buying groceries and cooking is such a normal part of adult life, aside from the covid (because this issue will persist whether or not covid is part of the picture), I hate that I have to do anything unusual. I just want to go to 1 store on any given day, pick up what I need, bring it home and cook it without drama. I just want to do normal things without drama – and that’s the core of all my issues with my family.

      2. willow for now*

        I laffed out loud at the idea of disguising meat consumption as a Laffy Taffy addiction!

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Ah, the “it’s not a big deal” argument! I love how somehow it’s supposed to be not a big deal that your parents get to control your food, but somehow it’s ok for it to be a HUGE deal for them to not be able to control what you eat.

      If you want to keep fighting it, you could try going Broken Record. Basically every single thing they say about it gets responded to with “I don’t control what you eat, and you don’t control what I eat.” If there’s screaming, just keep on doing whatever you’re doing, and go “Stop screaming. I don’t control what you eat, and you don’t control what I eat.”

      Alternatively, you could just put all your focus into moving out, and store this away as a reason why you don’t ever want to live with them again.

    7. LGC*

      So, like, one thing that I don’t think anyone has pointed out yet is that…I get the sense that there’s an implicit moral judgment on your dietary choices. Or at least you feel like there’s an implicit moral judgment on your dietary choices – you’d like to continue eating the way you normally eat, they want everyone in their house to eat in a way according to their religious values which you don’t share.

      So yeah, I really don’t think this is about the fact that you can’t eat meat on its face. But…short of that, are there any half-measures you’re able to take? I know you lost your job, but are you able to order some food you’d like to eat sometimes as takeout? Or is the presence in the house just a huge deal?

      One more thing I just thought of – could it be that your family is reacting so strongly because they think you’re imposing your choices on them? Like, they think that if you bring in the wrong kind of meat, you’re expecting them to also prepare it and maybe even eat it? (Which is banana crackers, for the record. You didn’t say any of that.) When I re-read the “we” part – where you said that if “My family has decided that if “we” can’t find it, “we” have to go without it. If I bring it home, it’s WW3.,” that kind of pinged my radar a bit. I’m not sure what you could possibly do to keep “your stuff” separate from theirs, or even if it would be sufficient. (Heck, this is probably their stress reaction as well.)

      tl;dr – it’s okay to be upset about being forced into vegetarianism…because the vegetarianism isn’t what you’re really upset about. I’d say go along with it as much as you’re able to, just because you might not have that much of a choice anyway, but you definitely are free to resent having to do this.

      1. Feeling childish*

        Yes, it is a moral judgment, and I ************* hate it. Family would flip out over takeout as well as given current events they are extremely paranoid about even takeout, and I don’t have the desire to eat out any way. When I bring meat home, I don’t expect them to cook it or eat it by any means

    8. Observer*

      Are they keeping you from cooking /eating your meat in your own dishes, or in their dishes? If the former, you have a valid point. If the latter, then you are trying to enforce YOUR attitude on them.

      If you don’t have your own dishes / cookware, you can order everything you need on line.

      1. Feeling childish*

        I have some of my own dishes that I had when I lived alone but we’re not particular about eating from certain dishes…it’s all communal. I’ve cooked and eaten non-“religious” food in their dishes before without any protest. It’s the moral judgment and someone forcing their choices on me that’s bothersome. If they never screamed about it, I would just go along with eating halal/kosher without any protest. I think the frustration is heightened due to current events going on right now as most of the meat shops are closed so *I* would have to jump through hoops to obtain it.

  56. Happy family life*

    Anyone come from a less than good family situation and go on to have successful family relationships of their own (not just nuclear but any way)? Really looking for positive and successful stories. 

    I’m coming to terms with the fact that I will never have the kind of family life I wanted as a child. Extended family is almost nil, not close to siblings and parent passed away. Living parent has issues. This isn’t just social media – everyone in my friends group has strong family relationships. I’m from a culture where family ties are strong and blood is thicker than water. All my family ties went away when my good parent died. 

    For the most part, I am optimistic that I can build a good family life with my spouse and future children but sometimes I get scared that if I have kids, they will feel about me the way I feel about living parent. Most of the time I’ve accepted the way things are and given myself the slack. But there are times when I fall into self pity mode and wonder why I was given this hand in life of toxic family and that I couldn’t I have the close relationships that I know people do. 

    Please, any positive stories welcome. I can’t do therapy for reasons I prefer not to get in to here, but if there are any resources I can read, I’d appreciate those too <3

    1. Ice Bear*

      I’m sorry you were dealt a crappy hand when it comes to your family, but you’re absolutely not doomed to the same fate. If anything, you’ve been taught what NOT to do, and that can be very helpful for you to build the kind of family you want.

      Example # 1 – My parents are extremely critical of one another and just negative in general. Growing up around this has made me a pretty negative and judgmental person overall, so I have to make a conscious effort to not be that way (and to keep my unhelpful thoughts to myself). Sometimes I slip up, but my marriage is leaps and bounds better than my parents’ marriage because I learned by watching them that it’s not worth the hurt feelings to nitpick everything your partner does.

      Example # 2 – My parents were not very emotionally supportive toward me or my siblings, so I made sure to be supportive of my step-children and avoid coming across as disinterested or critical. Those things stick with you for a lifetime and I didn’t want THAT to be the memory my partner’s kids have of me.

      None of the above is EASY, of course, but it’s definitely doable. You, nor anyone, will be perfect 100% of the time but you can absolutely have a close, loving family of your own.

    3. Blueberry*

      I don’t have resources for you at the moment but I just wanted to cheer you on. I have collected quite a few friends who are fellow survivors of childhood abuse and, not least with mutual support, we have helped each other do much better by the children in our lives than we were done by.

    4. Happy family life*

      I was diagnosed with a disease at a young age that could have been easily managed. My parents didn’t do anything about it. Rather, they made me keep it a secret because if people knew, they’d get the blame for it. There were no accommodations in place, no education, no compassion.

      I feel like a monster for saying this but–they didn’t care about my health as a child, why am I supposed to care about theirs now?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Buddy, if that makes you a monster, I’m literally a demon for wanting to bust their kneecaps and make them run a marathon to see how they like it.

        That’s literally child abuse. I don’t know if it’s legally child abuse, but it should be.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Eventually one of them I guess saw the light and really tried hard to be involved with my health but by then I was an adult and taking care of it myself and made it very clear their input was not welcome. That’s the “good” parent that passed away. The living parent will never admit they said or did anything, they just “forgot” or have their own version of history.

          1. Marty McFly*

            I’m sorry your remaining parent treated you poorly. That is rough and you didn’t deserve it.

            OP, I hope you are able to follow Potatoes gonna potate example and tell off anyone who thinks they are in a place to give you unwelcome input on your health situation. You know best and they should MYOB. Wishing you all the best.

      2. Observer*

        Do you think that there is the least chance that you would ever do something like that to your kid, no matter WHAT the illness was?

        Which is to say that there is a REASON you feel the way you do about your parent. Since that is NOT going to happen to you, there is no reason to think that your kid(s) will feel about you the way you feel about your parent.

        1. Happy family life*

          I know what not to do but not what TO do if tha t situation ever arises. What if I do something completely different, with the best intentions and my child resents me for it? After all my parents had good intentions for what they did supposedly.

    5. Washi*

      I think my mom is in your type of situation – little/no extended family (1st generation immigrant) plus a rocky relationship with her own parents, who are difficult, dysfunctional people. She has a great marriage with my dad and is an amazing mom to me and my brother, and we are both close to her and with each other. She did and has continued to do a lot of work to undo some of the harmful stuff her parents instilled in her, and I think the main thing I see her struggling with now parenting-wise is trusting that my brother and I really do like spending time with her, we’re not just pretending to like her the way that she has to pretend to like spending time with her own parents. That makes me a bit sad when I have to reassure her about that, but it hasn’t made her clingy or overbearing or anything. Mainly if anything, her own difficult family life made her more conscientious about the kind of family she wanted to create for herself.

      1. Happy family life*

        This made me tear up a bit, thank you for sharing your story. It’s comforting to know it’s posssible.

    6. female-type person*

      My mother was a drinking alcoholic from pretty early childhood until my late 20s. The alcoholism caused her to behave in a narcissistic way that was very difficult. She had boundary issues, liked to tell lies and half-truths and create drama to make herself the victim and all her choices justified, and had a very, very “supportive” (actually very co-dependent) friend group that enabled her. Then, my father filed for divorce, some other dramatic things occurred within the family and I set some hard boundaries (and got some help myself, by the way.) She did stop drinking. She went to AA. She got a job. The narcissism stopped. She started to respect boundaries. She stopped casting me as the bad guy so she could be the victim. She stopped trash talking me to her friends. And, slowly, very, very slowly, we rebuild a relationship. Not really a mother/daughter relationship, that ship had sailed, but more like a friendship. She was actually good at being a friend. She really helped me with my elementary aged kids when I got divorced; I was and remain grateful. Now. She never, ever, really acknowledged the bad things she did when she was drinking. It was, if I ever did anything that was bad, I’m sorry if it did. I think, in hindsight, that it was simply too painful. So **I** never got the resolution that spoken amends would have given me. But she ACTED amends, over and over again. She actively made relationship deposits. She’s been dead for many years now, but it was enough, and I do miss her and I’m glad she got her life in order. So, yeah, they can change. It is possible. Perhaps not likely, but possible.

      1. Happy family life*

        I’m sorry you had a rough childhood, but I’m happy that you were able to have a good relationship. Seems like the biggest factor was knowing that she messed up and tried to make amends. Unfortunately I dont’ see that happening with my parent or siblings. Thank you for sharing this.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I think if you look around you will find plenty of books on this topic. I read a lot of mother-daughter books and I really got a lot out of reading what other people went through and how they worked through it. I could see patterns in what would work and what would not work.

      One thing that seems key is finding new ways of dealing with familiar problems. My father knew that the beatings he got once a week were wrong-wrong-wrong. So he never beat me. (I am still amazed by this.) But he never learned what TO DO. And he was frustrated/bewildered by not knowing instinctively how to handle a kid. I think he would have fallen over in shock if someone said, “Hey, it’s not in our genes at birth!” because he assumed it WAS. We have to learn what our parents didn’t/couldn’t teach us. And we have to learn it from somewhere. I am big on books as they are a kind of a private experience. I can go at my own pace and reread the parts I find pertinent. Teach yourself things.

      Good friends. This is pretty powerful stuff. Ask trust-worthy people specific questions when you encounter a problem that is difficult to get a handle on.

      Looking into the future. Now here is a pitfall to watch out for. There are so many unknown variables that it is almost impossible to figure out what you will do when the time comes. And this pitfall doesn’t apply to just spouse and kids, it also applies to home-ownership, future jobs, what to do about remaining parent and so on. Any future based topic can be scary. Commit to life-long learning. Promise yourself that you will always learn and grow. We don’t know what the future holds, but we can fortify for it by building up our knowledge pool. Interestingly, there are times where we don’t need to know the answer right away but we DO need to know where we can go find the info if we need that particular information.

      Last. I have spent most of my life reading advice columns daily. I think I started when I was 10-11ish? My parents lived in a very narrow world, or perhaps it was that era. I will never know. I did know my thinking was too limited and I needed to get aware of what people were seeing and experiencing. So I started reading advice columns.

      I went to therapy twice. Honestly, reading on my own helped me more. The therapists were just not that informative. They did not have much of substance to offer. Probably just bad luck on my end. I started picking specific areas to read up on and I learned so much more than I would have any other way.

      1. Happy family life*

        Thank you for this. Yes you nailed it – we know what NOT to do but then new problems come up.

        I think this helps a lot: “We don’t know what the future holds, but we can fortify for it by building up our knowledge pool. Interestingly, there are times where we don’t need to know the answer right away but we DO need to know where we can go find the info if we need that particular information.”

        I had a therapist but I’m lukewarm on them now and might look for another one once all this is over.

    8. Marty McFly*

      I think you being ‘aware’ of this and are concerned about your parental relationship with any kids you have puts you in a great place. I don’t think you’ll be like your living parent at all because of this. The fact that you are being considerate of your children before you even have them is a plus. You want to be a good parent and have a good relationship with them. It is totally normal being scared of becoming like your living parent. My aunt (who wasn’t my aunt by blood btw) always said family is more than blood. I am very close with her as if she was family. I’m sorry you don’t have close relationships with your family. I would say if they don’t treat you well they are not worth your time (I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings at all when I say that. Your feelings are totally valid). Sending good vibes across the internet to you. I hope you cut yourself some slack. You are worth it and there are people who will see it. You can break the cycle with any kids you have. I don’t have any resources to share, but I just wanted to send some good thoughts your way :)

    9. Greywacke Jones*

      My mom does not have a close relationship with her family. She is the oldest of six and was often forced into a parental role, her mom was difficult and negative, and her dad was pretty checked out of family life (and a secret alcoholic, as it turned out). She is not close to her siblings, though she has recently reconnected to some cousins. She and my dad have a very strong relationship (as far as I know), and they have both been great parents. I think wanting to get away from her family and do things differently was a strong motivator.

    10. Disco Janet*

      The biggest concern with this is how is your still living parent who harmed you going to affect your child. Because if they’re in regular contact with you and your family (I’m guessing that is the case), that’s where the negative things come in.

      My dad’s parents were horrendous, and he was amazing. BUT. His parents had very subtle underhanded ways of making me feel less than and instilling the same issues in me they had in him. Those problems crept right in under his watch. Eventually he cut off his parents after they rejected multiple chances to change, and it made such a positive difference in my life.

      1. Happy family life*

        Parent is elderly with health issues. I haven’t worked out the logistics but I know I will do everything I can do in my power to protect my future child(ren). In our culture, respect for elders is sometimes equivalent to tolerating abuse, and I’ve heard way too many childhood incidents of “so and so hurt me” and parents brushing it off as respecting elders. I’m not having that sh*t.

    11. tears of the mushroom*

      Slightly anon for this. My family of origin had lots of pathology and not much support. Alcoholic parent, verbal abuse (“of course I drink, who would not with a child like you”) and an enabler on the other side. One who wanted to explain to me why I should never marry because of how miserable I would be. Extended family who felt that if you did well in school then you were getting above yourself. Skipped a grade and still went to 7 schools in 4 different states before college. My spouse was beaten with a razor strop because to spare the rod was to spoil the child. Then we left home (well before we met). I went to college at 16. He chose a highly selective school and escaped. Some families are just cautionary tales.
      I sought counseling at student health, he meditated. When we met we knew that we wanted something different. Almost 30 years later we have two wonderful sons who have never been touched in anger. Not that we have not been angry (we have!!) but we learned to manage it. They are kind, smart, academically accomplished, musical young folk. Each is bilingual in a language they chose. My husband and I have a bit of other languages so we travel well. Amistead Maupin says that we each have our biological families but we also have our logical families. My husband and I have friends for many years who we have chosen to love. My only sibling has not spoken to me for 3 years. I just dropped the rope.
      My parents are close to my children. I set very clear expectations (think, “if you two continue to bicker over dinner I will make you a plate to go. Not here, not now”) My husband’s folks think we are wild eyed miscreants but like to brag on our children. Who knew?
      If you are thinking about this before children arrive you are well ahead of the game. Best! You can do it!

  57. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Here’s something that I find amusing considering the circumstances– we’re having a scheduling problem! I was planning to go on Instagram Live this evening to watch something, then my partner found out about a concert by one of our favorite performers that’s happening at the same time. I figured we would just do separate things, but he really wants to watch the concert with me and I know the IG Live thing will be archived…

    I love all of the opportunities popping up that we can enjoy from our living rooms, but it’s just soooooo much. I also have a Cards Against Humanity date with girlfriends after the concert. When do I get to just sit and binge Netflix?

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Oh, I am more than capable of that. I just think it’s funny that there is such an abundance of opportunities now that we’re stuck inside.

    2. Overeducated*

      I know what you mean! I sometimes find it hard to juggle work calls, social video chats, and baby naps, and all of the group movie watching parties are right in the middle of the kids’ bedtime routine. I’m hanging out under a sleeping baby right now, so no Facebook Live Palm Sunday service OR family Zoom brunch for me yet.

      It’s kind of neat to suddenly feel like the faraway friends and relatives I’ve missed but haven’t had the PTO to visit are just as close as my local crew, though. It’s inspired some long overdue catching up.

  58. Fellow Traveler*

    Does anyone spin their own yarn and can explain it to me? My 8 year old got a drop spindle from the county fair last year and it’s been sitting unused because she couldn’t remember how to use it. So, while we are stuck at home, I’ve decided to try figuring out. It’s a simple top whorl spindles and I don’t know if I’m doing it right. I’ve watched a couple YouTube videos, and it seems to be so easy there, but I can’t get it to work. Basically, I spin it clockwise, and let out some roving to twist, but then the roving keeps developing kinks and then spinning back counter clockwise and unraveling. In all the videos, the spindle continues to spin clockwise after one twirl, but I find I have to keep twirling or it will unravel. Any tips for keeping it from unraveling? Or is this what it is supposed to do?

    2. Job Hunter*

      Have you tried park and draft? Hold the spindle between your knees while you draft a section of roving. Hold the drafted roving so the twist doesn’t go up into the thicker undrafted roving. Roll the spindle, and let out the drafted roving as it spins. Without seeing it in person, I would say it might be stopping because you aren’t feeding enough out of your hand as the spindle turns. You might find it easier if you stand as you spin.

      1. JobHunter*

        To clarify, you have continue drafting as the spindle spins or the fiber will over twist and stop. AND as you let out the drafted roving while the spindle spins, use your thumb and finger to stop the twist from getting up into the big bunch of roving, which will both make a mess and cause your spinning to stop.

        1. Fellow Traveler*

          Oh this is helpful! How much/ how tight a twist should I expect? I think, from your description, I am indeed over twisting each section – I give a spin and the spindle will spin for a second then reverse and unravel before I can catch it to “park” it.

          1. JobHunter*

            …
            This is going to be hard for me to describe, I had the advantage of being shown by someone else.

            The key is to keep drafting. When I started learning, I let my yarn get over twisted just a bit (a few small kinks). Then I parked the spindle. I controlled the over spun section with my dominant hand to prevent the twist from progressing further as I drafted out more roving with my non dominant hand. I pinched the roving with my non dominant hand, then released my thumb on the dominant hand so the twist traveled up the roving between my hands and got stopped by the pinched non dominant hand. Looking at my own spindle/yarn, I guess I would describe the fiber taking a 45 degree angle? Be sure to wrap the finished yarn around the spindle before moving on with more yarn. Definitely check out YouTube vids as recommended by Koi and NoName. Watch the spinner’s hands.

            My last tip would be to use appropriate fiber. Get something grabby with a medium-long staple, like Shetland. Also check out the link to the Homesteader blog posted below. Good luck!

            https://www.homestead.org/lifestyle/getting-started-spinning-wool-spinning-wool-for-beginners/amp/

          2. JobHunter*

            This postscript is going to show up before the comment it supplements due to the link, but also consider predrafting a section of roving, then drafting a finer yarn. You might find it easier to spin a thinner yarn than a thick one.

    3. No Name Yet*

      I’m really bad at writing out crafting directions, but Job Hunter is right that the ‘park and draft’ technique is often much easier for beginner spinners. If you search for that on YouTube, you might have better luck.

      Another option is BluPrint (used to be called Craftsy) has made all their online classes free for the next few weeks – they have a handful of spinning classes, including what looks like a beginning one for using a spindle. That might be more time than you want to spend, but figured I’d mention it.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This is going to sound crazy, but see if you can download Tamora Pierce middle reader fantasy novel ‘The Circle of Magic’. One of the characters learns how to spin, and it’s a really good explanation. Plus it’s a rollicking good story for your eight-year-old.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Tired and I goofed using text-to-speech. I gave you the name of the series. “Sandry’s Book” is the first of four.

  59. rkz*

    With my cat, we figured out she seems to be bad at spatial reasoning and did think her bum was in the box when it wasn’t! We got a large storage bin and cut a hole in it so that she has to go all the way inside to use it. It’s also a bit larger.

    1. nonegiven*

      My husband found a declawed cat that had been dumped back in December. We got a covered box because he kept missing, then he went out the door of the box. Now there is another box just outside the covered one. I may have to look into a storage bin that is higher than his butt.

  60. Jedi Squirrel*

    I’ve created a source list for living in quarantine. Things to rest/relax/recharge, humor, and help (how not to destroy your roommates, e.g.) I’ve added some of the other links people have listed above.

    I’ll post the link in a follow-up comment.

  61. MoneyWhereMyMouthIs*

    Tell me the best companies and charities you have come across during this crisis. I have the means to buy/donate/support and would like to do what I can since I know there are a lot of people who want to help but have to prioritize their needs and financial security right now. I already have a few local places I am supporting (take-out, Kids Food Basket, state emergency fund, shelters, etc…) as well as the Domestic Workers and Restaurant Workers charities that a few people on here told me about but am looking for more. If there is a place that is currently supporting you and your family right now let me know that too. I want to make sure my dollars go where they are needed the most.

    Tell me where to spend my money now and in the future – also let me know of places to avoid (outside of JoAnn, GameStop, and Amazon).

    1. Ranon*

      Crip Fund is distributing cash assistance to disabled folks who need help during the pandemic, they have a Go Fund Me set up to help gather funds.

      Local food pantries are working overtime right now and they’re great at getting value from a dollar

      Domestic violence shelters are seeing a strong uptick in both need and the costs of providing their services due to sanitation requirements

      Most charities are having to cancel fundraisers since they tend to be public gathering type events, so any near and dear to your heart could likely use extra money

    2. Anon for this*

      Local newspapers are hit hard – my cousin owns one in Iowa. Closed businesses and events mean no ad revenue. Renew your subscriptions!

      1. Blue Eagle*

        Our local monthly newspaper (which distributes the paper for free) just tried a “Go Fund Me” campaign and raised enough to publish the May issue. I don’t want it to stop publishing so I contributed to the fund because local journalism is a great thing to support.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      Consider donating to RIP Medical Debt and the National Network of Abortion Funds.

    4. LuisainDallas*

      Please check out World Central Kitchen. They are experts in quickly setting up free meal kitchens and forming local partnerships. The founder, chef Jose Andres, has good ideas for feeding people in need and the experience in emergency logistics to make it happen.

    5. LDN Layabout*

      I know you’ve mentioned local places, but please check into your local foodbanks. They’re /suffering/ right now, especially the places that aren’t linked to a national network.

      The reason the smaller ones are essential is that they allow people to seek help from people they trust in their community (places of worship, local case workers) who may not visit the bigger places out of a sense of shame/not being deserving.

      My flatmate volunteers at one, in the space of two weeks they doubled their amount of families. When I asked if they’d fed everyone that week, the response was ‘just about’ (and we’d both heavily donated that week, to the point that she had to go with the food in a suitcase).

    6. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      Please don’t forget animal charities! They need support as well. From Bat Conservation International to ASPCA to WWF to Wold Cat rescue and all the local rescues, they need help as well.

    8. Bluebell*

      There is a GoFundMe called MasksOn which is converting scuba masks to PPE. It seemed like a great way to help! Our family has been giving to a variety of food banks, and also various funds helping people in our town and in the closest big city.

  62. nep*

    A friend asked in an email how I’m doing. I’m doing so-so. Taking things one moment at a time. Thing is, my down state isn’t really linked to the pandemic. It’s been my general state for a really long time. She automatically took it as I’m down about the situation, but the depression I feel isn’t any different from before.
    Anyway, heart going out to people who were already struggling.

    1. Misty*

      I feel you on this. I was already having some issues depression wise and anxiety wise before this all began.

      I hope you start feeling better. You’re in my thoughts this weekend.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      ” but the depression I feel isn’t any different from before.”

      You are a very strong person, nep. You really are.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      I was finishing up some coursework when we started talking about quarantine, and I spent a week getting myself and my parents stocked up. For that four weeks, my depression almost didn’t exist.

      But now, here I am after a couple of weeks of this, and everything is just…ugh.

      Hope we’re all doing okay by the time we get to the other end of this.

      1. nep*

        Sorry you’re struggling again.
        I’d like to get some resolve back, but for now everything’s very dark. And it’s only about the things that existed pre-pandemic.
        Peace

  63. KL*

    Does anyone have a good recommendation for an electric blanket? I get cold fairly easily and use one year round. Mine finally went after twenty years.

    1. it happens*

      Do I ever, sort of. This winter I discovered the joy of the heated mattress pad. Amazing! It goes under your fitted sheet and takes advantage of the whole heat rises thing. Mine has a temp setting and timer- I turn it on when I go to brush my teeth before bed and slide into a super-comfy bed. It turns itself off after three hours (there is also an eight hour setting.) And if it’s cold in the morning before I need to get up, hit the on button again. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend my exact model (Maxcare) because the controllers (queen size had left and right) are HUGE (like 4” cubes.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not what you had in mind, but I’d recommend fleece sheets. I got my last set at JCPenney. They are never cold when I get into bed. And I stay warm all night. I will say, that fleece pjs and fleece sheets are too much!

  64. Anon and Bday Planning*

    -Parent’s birthday is next weekend. I have parent’s gift but there is a stay at home order. Also, parent is an essential employee and tends to be lax about Covid-19 (ie. Refuses to get tested etc.). FaceTiming is an option with gift/dinner indefinitely postponed. Sounds awful. Any ideas?

    -Fam member has type 1 and celiac and the only thing carb-friendly is rice which was missing from shelves. Finally found brown and white rice elsewhere TG. Wanted to try a gluten free crumpets recipe but no yeast at 2 stores. Any substitute?

    1. Blueberry*

      To be honest all the methods I have ever tried for developing my own yeast involve wheat flour. I don’t know how a GF sourdough starter would work. Maybe ask a friend to mail you a packet of yeast?

      Also, King Arthur Flour has great gluten-free resources and mail order supplies:

    2. Emma*

      My dad’s birthday is next weekend. I’m planning to (with my sibling) gift him a year of a streaming service that has content that I think he’ll really enjoy.

  65. Marzipan*

    So, the Marzipan Baby arrived this morning (induced labour, I figured it would take ages, it… did not). He is a squashy little soul and likes attempting to eat his own hands instead of any actual source of nutrition.

    Commenters here have been extremely kind throughout, so I thought you might like an update. I did indeed have an extremely boring pregnancy! Best wishes, as always, to those for whom baby news is a complicated thing.

    1. fposte*

      So many congratulations, Marzipan! I know it’s been a long wait and I’m so pleased for you.

      1. valentine*

        likes attempting to eat his own hands instead of any actual source of nutrition.
        Because he has great taste!

    2. CupcakeCounter*

      Congratulations!!!! I now have a sudden urge for squashy baby snuggles that will have to go unfulfilled.

    5. Blueberry*

      Congratulations! May you recover swiftly and fully and may he be as well behaved as he is adorable. :D

    11. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Many congratulations! Do rest, longer than you think you need.

      And thank you for your gracious tact in recognising that good news can be difficult to hear.

    12. Parenthetically*

      Huzzah! Many congratulations! What a story you’ll have to tell to Marzipan Baby in years to come!

    14. LibbyG*

      Wonderful news! Thanks for sharing it!

      And here’s wishing for wonderfully boring pregnancies for anyone who wants one.

    15. Bibliovore*

      Yea! Marzipan! Thank you for sharing the good news. We have been waiting to hear.

    18. Jean (just Jean)*

      Mazel tov! May the Marzipans have health and happiness and much pleasure in each other’s company!

    19. 'Tis Me*

      Congratulations! I hope he continues to be delightful and amazing in a non-eventful and utterly enjoyable way, and will give you a sense of normalcy in the currently crazy world, and deep love, peace and joy.

    20. Quandong*

      Congratulations Marzipan! Welcome squashy Marzipan Baby!!

      I’m so, so happy for you, this is wonderful news!

    23. Observer*

      Boring pregnancies that end with squishy snugglies who try to eat their own hands are the best.

      Congratulations and enjoy!

  66. Ed [long time reader, first time commenter]*

    *Heads up. Talk of being diagnosed with COVID-19. Just wanted to warn anyone who is tired of hearing about the virus.*

    Yesterday I found out I have tested positive. I do have a cough but I haven’t had any trouble breathing. All in all I don’t feel that bad.

    I was sent home from work on March 9. We are not essential but we also cannot do our jobs from home. I live alone (no other people or pets). From when I got home on March 9 until March 24 I did not leave the house once and I didn’t have any deliveries or any contact with another person and I felt fine.

    On March 24 I had to go to the grocery store. I was running low on food and the delivery services here were swamped and had no one to deliver. I drove to the store and was in there for about 30-45 mins and then I drove straight home. This Monday (the 30th) I started coughing and the next day I drove to where my public health unit was doing testing in a parking lot of a clinic. Yesterday I got my positive test results. Since the only place I have gone since March 9th is the grocery store and have otherwise had zero contact with anyone, and since I felt fine until almost a week after my trip to the store, it is being treated as a case of community transmission. I have no idea who I got it from. No one at the store was coughing. I wore gloves. Everyone stayed far apart and my cashier had gloves and a glass screen at the register.

    The public health unit is quite frustrated as they have no way to track the spread since it is community transmission. As far as they know, no one else who works or visited the store tested positive.

    Luckily I don’t feel too bad and I have enough to last for a while. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I will be staying home until public health clears me. It sucks but at least I’m hopefully healthy enough to weather this.

    I hope Allison and all you readers and commenters are doing okay!

    1. nep*

      Sorry to hear this. But glad you’re feeling relatively OK. Hope any symptoms will be done soon.
      It’s spreading like wildfire, no question about it. I’m nervous at the grocery store, even wearing a mask and keeping my distance from people. Not too worried about me (except I’d rather not die by suffocating), but I don’t want to take anything home to my 80-year-old mom.
      Thanks for the infos and I wish you a sound recovery.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      Some feel that the virus’s incubation time may be 21 days, rather than 14 days. If that’s true, then you could have gotten the virus before you got sent home from work. But we just don’t know, and viruses don’t have calendars. (There’s not a lot of solid information out there about this virus like other viruses. This is a hard virus to track down, and doctors are in full-on emergency mode, which means it’s hard to do the research we need to do.)

      I’m sorry about your diagnosis, but glad that you’re doing pretty well so far. We will be keeping you in our thoughts. Please keep us updated.

    6. Diahann Carroll*

      Take care of yourself and get lots of rest – I hope you get through this quickly.

    7. LGC*

      I’m sorry to hear that! I’m glad that you’re doing well, and I hope you make a speedy recovery.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      May your quarantine time feel like it’s going quickly for you. I hope you feel better very soon.

  67. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I normally love memes but one I’m hating so far is the “introverts this is your time to shine!” 

    I get introverts but this is truly not an introvert vs extrovert thing. People are dying or losing their loved ones, lockdowns are making it so that abused children and spouses are in more danger htan ever before, social isolation is driving some people to suicide, millions have lost their jobs and livelihood with no way of knowing when they’ll bounce back.

    Normally I love humor……I know people on this site are more nuanced and thoughtful about it, and are stressing out too.

    I’m not faulting people for finding joys in little things but I can’t fathom that there’s anyone who hasn’t been affected negatively by this.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      I was not even aware this was a thing. Googled it. Ugh.

      This really isn’t an introvert vs. extrovert kind of thing. I’m an introvert, but I enjoy meeting close friends and families in small groups. And now that isn’t even possible. Introverts are isolationists.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I definitely dont’ think it’s an intro vs extro vert thing. Maybe the first few days I could get it, but with the way things have escalated and no end in sight….I’ve been saying from day 1 this is not normal.

    3. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

      I’m an introvert who enjoys working from home and stuff, but obviously due to current circumstances, I’m not exactly enjoying myself. This isn’t a situation where I get to stay home and go out on my own terms. I’m staying home because the world is suffering – either due to health issues, economic issues, or both. I’m constantly worrying about my loved ones and neighbors, getting depressed about the news, etc. This isn’t normal times.

    4. Claire*

      And in the midst of that, people are still people in all their diversity, and this humor is how a lot of people cope. Yes, they’re negatively affected – AND they are using this to help them express how they feel, dealt with their emotions, and so on. It’s not your thing, fine. But please leave others who need this stuff to cope alone. They’re not doing it AT you. They’re doing what it takes for them to handle an appallingly stressful situation. Mute, block or filter as needed if you can’t handle it.

      Don’t take your own frustrations out on them. We’ve all got enough to deal with of our own.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m not taking my frustrations out on anyone – I recognize everyone needs their own outlet and there are way worse things out there. I dont’ engage in these debates on social media, just wanted to vent in an anonymous space.

    5. Livia se bene habet*

      And in the midst of that, people are still people in all their diversity, and this humor is how a lot of people cope. Yes, they’re negatively affected – AND they are using this to help them express how they feel, dealt with their emotions, and so on. It’s not your thing, fine. But please leave others who need this stuff to cope alone. They’re not doing it AT you. They’re doing what it takes for them to handle an appallingly stressful situation. Mute, block or filter as needed if you can’t handle it.

      Don’t take your own frustrations out on them. We’ve all got enough to deal with of our own.

      1. Cat*

        Eh I question the “they’re not doing it AT you” framing. Like when you’re posting things publicly in order to communicate something you kind of are.

        Personally I don’t mind jokes about introverts liking this. Not my experience but whatever. What I think is absolutely appalling is the jokes about how extroverts are finally experiencing what introverts always experience. Nope. Not ok.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      I find “Introverts: this is your time to shine!” amusing. First, introverts seldom ever want to “shine”, i.e. be in the spotlight. Second, we’d have to shine alone at home. Who would know if we’re shining or not? To me, the quote is a nonsensical lighthearted attempt at humor.
      I hope you all stay safe and healthy.

      1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

        I thought this, too.

        I think this joke was funny when social distancing first became a thing. I remember telling everyone “I’ve been social distancing my whole life haha! My entire life is a quarantine!”

        But now it’s starting feel bit more like wartime so I’m no longer making those jokes. Also, I want to see my friends.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Heh that’s a good point. And I saw a lot of those memes in the first week or so – that and the “when your whole lifestyle is a quarantine.”

          I’m also seeing cat memes about this (where the cat says “do you have a problem with my lifestyle?) but I can’t be mad, cats are <3

          1. Miranda Priestly's Assistant*

            I did make a joke to my friend the other day about how pets must be grateful for the virus because it means having their owners home all the time, because her cat seemed very content.

            I mean, it’s not great, but at least cats.

            1. I'm A Little Teapot*

              LOL. One of my cats is very happy. The other is very unhappy, but that’s because me being at home happened to coincide with her getting sick and requiring twice daily medication! The Teapot house will survive it though, and the kitty is almost better. Just not done with her meds.

    8. smoke tree*

      I think the fact that so many people are directly affected does make this a bit more nuanced for me, although this might be my bias as someone who appreciates humour as a way to calm my own anxiety. I’m guessing at least some of the people spreading these memes have been hard hit themselves and are trying to lighten their own moods, so I’m more sympathetic than I would be if only a small number of people were suffering and lots of others were being blase about it.

      Ultimately, I think it’s just an everyday kind of thoughtlessness, where people don’t realize that what eases their own anxiety may produce extra anxiety or irritation in others. That’s why I don’t think social media is a great venue for this–better to confine it to people who you know will appreciate it.

    9. coffee cup*

      I joked about it among my friends earlier because mainly I was just making fun of myself (I’d never do it about others!) and my general approach to life. And because it made me feel better, to be honest. On my own I can’t let myself get too serious or it will overwhelm me.

      But it totally truly isn’t an introvert or extrovert thing. I’m finding it really hard. It isn’t even as clear-cut as that, anyway. Introvert doesn’t mean you hate people and being social. I am missing human contact a lot.

    10. LGC*

      So, I’m sorry that this is going to be super long and word-vomity. And I’ll admit that while most people on this site are nuanced and thoughtful, I’m…less so.

      I think part of it is people coping with terrifying situations with humor. For myself – I’m from New Jersey. (Specifically, I’m from the “hot zone.”) I’m terrified that I’m going to catch it. I’m terrified that I have caught it and didn’t know. I’m terrified that I’ll pass it on to some little old lady or little old man (or someone who’s not so old) and they’ll die. I’m especially terrified that I’ll catch it, get really sick, and because I’m a thirtysomething guy that’s in good health, they’ll ventilate me first and leave someone else to die because of me.

      I see my friends who are nurses being…scared out of their minds. I texted one of my friends (whose wife is a nurse at an extremely affected hospital) and he just poured his heart out to me in a way that’s…uncharacteristic for him. I read stories every day of nurses in New York City literally fashioning PPE out of Hefty bags because apparently that’s just something we can’t provide to nurses. I read about how the “hot zones” are Brooklyn, Queens…and the South Bronx, where my 86-year-old grandmother lives. With my uncle. Who’s on dialysis. And apparently isn’t the most responsible about social distancing. I’ve seen that the hardest hit hospitals are in my county – and one of them is the one right in my town, where my aunt was a few years back.

      So, I’ve made jokes to my friends across the country about being from the plague capital of America…because, let’s be honest, New Jersey isn’t loved to begin with and is already considered filthy and smelly, It’s “dirty Jerz,” for the COVID era. It’s not the best way to cope, by far. But sometimes, I need to laugh…because I honestly can’t cry ALL the time, right?

      So, yeah. Honestly, the jokes are tasteless. So are mine, to be honest. But I think they often come from a perspective of fear rather than being actually sincere about things. (And as an introvert who apparently has a “PLEASE VIOLATE MY BOUNDARIES” sign over my head…like, I’m an introvert, not a misanthrope. I don’t want my alone time to come at the expense of one person’s life, let alone 100,000 or 2 million.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I will always have a warm place in my heart for Jersey. My heart goes out to you all.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Hey @LGC, I totally get what you’re saying, I’m from NYC and I’m familiar with the NJ jokes. I”m 100% into having a laugh, so I don’t argue with anyone on social media because we’re all trying to find ways to cope.

        Even though I think you intended to disagree, you nailed it as to why that introvert comment rubbed me the wrong way – introverts don’t want their alone time to come at the expense of one person’s life. Like that meme makes it look like introverts are loving what’s going on, and no one can love what’s going on — it makes them seem like they’re cruel and antisocial, which they certainly are not.

        Hope you’re staying safe in Jersey <3

        1. 'Tis Me*

          Yeah, if my husband weren’t a keyworker (nursing), and people weren’t dying, and people weren’t worried about dying, spending time at home snuggling my babies etc would be pretty much idyllic.

          But as it is..? Also Miss 5 Years is missing her friends, and she and Miss 2 Years have a lot of energy. I’m still recovering from having Mr 2 Weeks (extended emergency C section) so not even being able to arrange to go for a walk to a playground with somebody else who can physically pull Miss 2 Years away from gravel is tough.

          And my MIL hasn’t met her first grandson yet. My parents only did because they were looking after the girls while we were in hospital but obviously we wanted them back.

          It’s a really weird situation.

  68. Wandering*

    Question about alternatives to spraying disinfectant:

    Per the law of unintended consequences, I’m concerned about the health of all the store workers who are praying disinfectant and wiping things down between each customer. Once or twice would be one thing, but some of these folks are repeating it every 30-45 seconds, which can’t be good for them and may in fact make them more vulnerable to infection if it damages their own mucosal membranes. Where might I find information to share with corporate offices to help them find alternatives? I’m assuming aeresolized soapy water would be similarly harmful with such frequent repeated use.

    Good sources? Better ideas? I’m already watching grocery store cashiers spray and cough, spray and cough, spray and cough with teary eyes and we’ve only just started this process. I know just enough to identify the problem, but not enough to offer a solution.

    Many thanks.

    1. Blueberry*

      My spraybottle disinfectant of choice is hydrogen peroxide 3%, because 1) it would be extremely difficult for a microbe to become resistant to its mode of action and 2) it seems to be less irritating to inhale, as our bodies break it down quickly into water and oxygen. But I’m just a layperson with an out of date bio degree, not any kind of medical professional (and I too worry at seeing people constantly marinating in harsh disinfectants, I’m with you).

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      The EPA has a list of disinfectants proven to be effective against the coronavirus.

      https://www.epa.gov/pesticide-registration/list-n-disinfectants-use-against-sars-cov-2

      What scares me is that some people may be using something that isn’t effective, and end up with a false sense of security. As for aerosolized soapy water, there probably won’t be enough contact to kill the virus, because the action is physical. It takes at least 20 seconds of hand-washing to get rid of the virus, followed by a long rinse in a sink. Spraying soapy water and then immediately wiping it off won’t be effective if the virus is present.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I normally do not cough or have runny eyes… but lately when I go into stores it is sheer misery. Just my opinion but some of us are definitely overusing. I am fearful that we will have a whole new set of problems because of overuse.

    4. WS*

      I researched this because I’m front-line in a pharmacy. More important than what you use (anything 70% alcohol or more) is that your area is well-ventilated. Spraying onto surfaces then wiping them down is better than spraying into air or near your face.

      1. Wandering*

        One of the large chains here is spraying Spic ‘n Span cleanser onto the grocery belts at the cash registers as they run them and then wiping that down as they run them between each customer. Blech. Another large chain is not telling the staff what they are using, it’s “just use the orange stuff from these bottles.” Both stink and make the cashiers and customers cough. Walking up to the cash registers into a cloud of spray suspended in the air is no fun, it can’t be good for the staff to as Blueberry said, to marinate in it.

        Soap I understood to work by virtue of breaking down the virus “shell” and that the recommended time was to be sure we’re cleaning our whole hands rather than it taking that long to break down the virus itself.

        I’m hoping for website links for research or to share with the store chain offices.

        1. Ranon*

          All of those disinfectants will have safety data sheets, stores should be making sure those are available and understood and that the precautions for use are followed. These are standard for pretty much any chemical compound people work with (e.g. cleaners, paint, sealant, curing compounds, you name it). If you know exactly what is being used you can look up the name of the product + safety data sheet and see what the concerns are.

    5. Wandering*

      Update: Stopped by the fancier of the local chain stores this morning, and the customer service staff stopped me to let me know that they are no longer using the spray but have switched entirely to wipes! Hurray for them! And I’m delighted that they wanted me to know.

  69. Nicole76*

    You know you’re an adult when cleaning becomes something you enjoy. Or maybe I’m weird.

    In any case, I was very excited to receive a new vacuum cleaner yesterday. The old one (a Eureka which was 15 years old) was large, heavy, and had bags and filters you had to replace. The new one (Bissell) is light, has a canister to empty, and a filter you can wash. Plus the cord is long and stored in the machine which I really like. The head swivels too and it’s just much easier to move around the house than the old vacuum.

    After using the new one twice I’m having mixed feelings about it. I really like how powerful the suction is – I can tell it’s cleaning both the carpet and floors much better than the old machine. The problem is that it’s so powerful that even on the highest (ie away from the floor) setting it tries to suck up smaller area rugs so I cannot vacuum them unless I use the hose and attachments. The problem with that is even if I keep the machine close to me, it tends to topple over. It’s fallen over on me three times already. The hose seems too short, and I keep trying to stetch it since it’s stiff from being new, but I find that really annoying. Dust gets all over the machine too because of having to empty the canister. The machine is also pretty loud (88 decibels according to an app on my phone) which requires me to wear ear protection (I have issues with my ears in general).

    I’m contemplating returning it, although I’m not sure any other vacuum cleaner in the same class will work any better. Plus we got it on Amazon so I’m not even sure how that process would work, especially now.

    Am I expecting too much from a $110 vacuum? I just cannot justify spending much more, but I also don’t want to be annoyed every time I vacuum. Our old one still works (although not very well, apparently), but was heavy and even louder, which is why I wanted a new one. I just wish I loved this new one more than I do right now.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      The toppling over thing is annoying. But I have a vacuum and my parents have two (why? how did they end up with two vacuums?) and they all, including my old one have tended to do that. There’s nothing like getting whacked in the back when you’re cleaning something.

      My vacuum cost about the same amount, but it was so much better than my old one (and also, no more bags to buy or change!!!) that I’ve learned to live with its issues. It’s just my good old drunken vacuum that can’t hold its liquor, but it does hold the dirt.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      Kick it to the curb. I’ve hated my vacuum for 20 years…it’s still going strong. I’m too cheap to buy a new one when the one I have is perfectly good, so for now I’m stuck. Maybe a canister instead of an upright?

      1. Fulana del Tal*

        All Kohl stores are closed at the moment. OP will have to mail it back to Amazon.

    4. Blue Eagle*

      We spent about $250 for an Oreck XL vacuum that is great. We like it and agree that at least with this vacuum you get what you pay for. We had a cheaper one that was definitely inferior and support purchasing a better one that will last longer.

    5. Jdc*

      I went back to a canister vacuum. I don’t actually get the appeal of bagless because it eventually goes into a bag to be disposed then dust flies out. My grandma has had her dead canister for decades as has my mom. Mine is going on 15 years and easy to clean and I love it. I think it was about $150.

    6. Pam*

      Tell Amazon- they may be willing to do a refund withiut a physical return, or will pay for the shipping if it does need returning.

    7. Zona the Great*

      You know, I have this 1989 Hoover Elite 600 in Maroon just like every other red-blooded American owned in the 1990s. I stole it from my mother who used it to vacuum her basement because she didn’t want to bring her regular vacuum up and down. My 28 year-old self found that excessive and decided I (poor and too-hard-working ) needed it more. Best move I ever made. Best vacuum ever made. I love you, Hoover Elite 600.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I prefer canister vacs for the reasons you are saying here. I don’t get the big attraction to upright vacs unless it’s because it’s taller and you don’t lean over so much…. except to pick it up off the floor. I also don’t like how you can’t get into tight spaces without using attachments.

      Yeah, I’d try to return it and get something else.

      Maybe if you say something now, Amazon will let you return it at some point.

    9. Not a cat*

      We have a Dyson upright, and I like it a lot. It doesn’t fall over when I use the hose. In our COVID household, we have 4 adults, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 guinea pigs, 2 rats and one chinchilla. I vacuum 2X per day. It’s a canister with a washable filter. Miele’s are also good.

  70. Anon and alone*

    *****************
    Happy Birthday
    *****************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of April 4 to April 10, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). Know that there are those out there who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    1. nep*

      Sweet.
      I have to avoid thinking too much about my grand-niece’s sixth birthday, which is next week. Hurts my heart, her not being able to be with her friends she’d planned to invite. We’ve got some great gifts for her and I’m sure her parents are going to do everything they can to make it a happy day. (I’m pretty attached to this little being; we’ve been the daycare since she’s 12 weeks old. Suddenly her physical presence is no longer part of my days and it’s tearing me apart.)

      1. fposte*

        Oh, nep, I’m sorry. I remember her from your stories of being Auntie Nep; I know how close you are.

        2. nep*

          (I find myself being very pissed off at my niece, the little one’s mom, for not being in touch as much as I’d like. I know it’s super selfish and she’s got a lot going on and it’s not all about me. But this part of me says, damn, that’s the thanks we get for helping raise this little girl. It’s all pulled out from under us and the mom doesn’t give a damn that the absence really hurts.)

          1. Reba*

            That sounds really painful, on so many different levels.

            In a few more years, you’ll be able to communicate with Grand-Niece directly/on your own.

            1. nep*

              I’ve let off some steam in the past couple of hours, venting a bit to sister-in-law and basically letting my niece know she needs to be more conscientious about responding to texts at the very least. I know people have far worse things to deal with and this is just me missing this child we’ve helped raise…but it is what it is. I do feel better having vented some. My chest was pounding and painful, and now it’s not.
              Thanks, Reba. Great to ‘see’ you.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I had an aunt who shared the same fear I had and we never told each other until well after the time passed.
                We both feared that we could lose contact with each other. Neither person knew the other felt that way. Years later I assured my aunt that even at an early age, she had made enough of an impression that I would have my heart, soul and feet on fire in my search to find her again.

                So as that now adult niece who adored her auntie, I can say first hand I KNOW niece is asking mommy where you are, can she see you, can she talk to you. I know she is. Never underestimate the power of a nagging kid.

                1. nep*

                  That’s just it, though. If she’s wanting to see me and talk to me and she’s not, is she feeling auntie doesn’t give a damn about me anymore. I’ve been dropping gifts off to her. Rarely hear back when I do because of mom’s flakiness. As I’ve said, I know people are going through far worse things, but this hurts to the core.

                3. Not So NewReader*

                  You love this kid. Hang on to this thought. I knew my aunt never stopped loving me and I knew she never forgot me. Sometimes love sends out a “vibe” and the recipient of that love can still feel the vibe. Sounds kinda woo-woo, I know. But there it is. Kids know when they are loved.

              2. 'Tis Me*

                I hope you can video chat and catch up soon, and it won’t be that much longer until you can give her a big squashy hug.

                Maybe suggest to her mother you can read to her over video chat or something, if she’s at capacity trying to work and childcare and schoolwork?

    2. Skeeder Jones*

      Thank you! Today is my birthday, and since I live on the west coast, I have 23 more minutes! I went over to my mom’s and we kept social distance, I touched almost nothing and I’ve been self-quarantined for 2 weeks. Had some delicious Italian food that I grew up eating and we watched a couple movies from separate couches. I’m glad I got out of the house, was my first time in weeks. I work from home and live alone so it was nice to be around another human.

  71. Bella*

    We have a 1.5 year old and I’d like to have an additional kid, post pandemic (or at least try to have one. I’m 37 and this kid took 2 years of trying, a miscarriage, and a few months of femara, which made me suicidal). My husband doesn’t want another kid, says he loves our kid, but feels like it was a compromise to have 1 kid, which he wasn’t wild about. He still misses our pre kid life. But he knows how important this is to me, so he’s willing to consider it. If he says yes (and we end up having one), how do I not feel guilty about it? A kid is a lot of work. It’s making me feel guilty about when our current kid misbehaves, like it’s my job to make it better and minimize the inconvenience. I worry that if we have a special needs kid or unexpected multiples I’ll feel even guiltier.

    Part of the reason my husband is partly open to it is because in our relationship I’m typically very relaxed and accommodating. I typically go along with most things, because I don’t like to make a fuss. But with this, it was actually important to me.

    I don’t know. We’re going to keep talking. It just sucks because one of us “loses.”

    1. WellRed*

      If you have a second kid that your husband doesn’t want, make sure it isn’t the kid who winds up being the loser.

        1. valentine*

          I don’t see how it’s possible to do that, especially if you tell them this tale.

          feels like it was a compromise to have 1 kid, which he wasn’t wild about
          This is terrible. No kid should be a compromise. Don’t have a second kid with your husband. (He should really refuse and have a vasectomy, but he’s not the one who wrote in.)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            This. That kid will KNOW that s/he was not wanted. I knew. By age 3 I had it all figured out.

            Please check (don’t answer here) to see if you are trading off everything else in life so you can get the kiddos you want. You say you are pretty agreeable about everything else. So either everything else is actually okay with you OR you are bartering everything else for this one thing (children) that you absolutely want.
            Twenty years from now they will be off and on their own. Then what.

          2. Bella*

            Can you give more context, from your personal experience?

            This comment currently reads like a value judgment from someone on the internet just giving a verdict on my life at a whim, without much to base it on. So it would be helpful to know more where you’re coming from.

            2. I'm A Little Teapot*

              I’m not the Valentine, but I had a classmate who was about 10 years younger than the rest of the siblings, and her parents divorced when she was 3ish. She was pretty clearly the “have a baby to save the marriage” baby – except it didn’t. And while she had a good childhood, etc, she also thought from early elementary school on that she was the reason mommy and daddy were divorced. When really, the divorce was inevitable.

              I also babysat for a family with 5 kids. The youngest, 2/3ish at the time, was pretty obviously the same. I hope they all ended up ok, but the oldest 2 at least were having some issues.

              Kids are not dumb. They will figure this sort of stuff out, even when parents don’t want them to. But they may not interpret what they see correctly. And then you have to deal with the long term emotional consequences of it.

              Have a baby if BOTH of you want a baby. I recommend couples therapy to help navigate all this.

    2. TimeCat*

      I think you need counseling (maybe remotely?). It’s not healthy that you see your current kid as your mental burden or your job to mitigate his impact on your husband. It’s not healthy for anyone.

      1. fposte*

        Also to explore what having a second child means, and whether that need is likely to be filled or whether it will just attach itself to a third child or a different desire.

        1. Bella*

          Yeah, it would be good to talk about this. I know he’s definitely not open at all with a third kid, which I’m ok with.

          Thanks!

      2. Bella*

        Thanks! This is a pretty recent conversation, so I haven’t talked to him about that part yet, but plan to. We may do counseling for this- he’s said he’s open to it.

      3. Bella*

        Thanks! Looks like my reply may be in the spam filter.

        This is a pretty recent conversation, so I haven’t talked to him about that part yet, but plan to. We may do counseling for this- he’s said he’s open to it.

      4. Reba*

        The feeling of guilt definitely should be addressed. I could imagine that would eat away at you!

        I’d also worry about your child picking up on this as they grow–that they are not supposed to “bother” one of their parents, or that the parent resents them. Kids are really observant even when they can’t understand or verbalize what they are experiencing.

        1. Not a cat*

          I am/was the unwanted “kid”. Even though we lived in the same house, I really didn’t have much of a relationship with my father until I was eight or nine. Old enough for him to decide I was just like him (he was a narcissist). Meanwhile, my mother grew angry at me for ruining her relationship w/ my father. She’d held a grudge my entire life.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Post-pandemic, maybe try a therapist/life coach to map out all the pros and cons between the two of you – like a research project before deciding about a second kid. Arriving at an understanding or a creative compromise might make the situation less “win/lose”.
      Sending you good vibes.

      2. Reba*

        re: creative compromise. Some acquaintances did a deal that when I first learned about it, seemed cold, but upon reflection is pretty brilliant! It was about whose surname their child would carry. It was really important to dad, so he “won” it — but agreed that mom would have the last word on some family decision of importance in the future, at her discretion.

        So maybe there is a path of adding to the family but also doing something, a move, a career shift, another change, that would serve spouse’s desires too. Or not adding another child but making some kind of change that will satisfy you (even if not in the same way that another child would).

        1. valentine*

          a move, a career shift, another change, that would serve spouse’s desires too
          This isn’t comparable to your anecdote because it involves creating an entirely new person the husband doesn’t want, who’s going to feel that sting and wonder what either of them was thinking. (And I hope he wouldn’t fake his way through an adoption.)

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I wonder whether he’s actually worried about *you*, not the child itself. I know my friend had to agree to stop having children before she would have chosen to because her husband was no longer willing to watch her bleed out (she had had very difficult successful pregnancies among very difficult miscarriages).

      Has he had any therapy about your sad loss and associated illness? He may be afraid another pregnancy would break you.

      I hope you can work through this together, whatever the conclusion.

      1. WellRed*

        I wondered this too. I’m assuming it was a fertility drug that made her feel suicidal. What’s the plan for that if it happens again?

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, the husband probably feels like he’s looking down probably years of “trying” (which often kills the fun of your sex life) and the emotional grenade of miscarriages and a suicidal spouse, only now there’s also a kid that has to be cared for while you go through all of that. Frankly, that sounds pretty terrifying.

        1. Bella*

          We’d probably set a limit about how long to try. Last time I got pregnant on the last of 3 cycles of fertility meds- we had both decided to stop trying after that, maybe indefinitely. It just turned out that the last one worked.

          If I do fertility meds again it would be under the care of a doctor, and I’d need to take an antidepressant. I’m on the fence about whether or not I’d even want to take them. It’s just so much monitoring, and mental risk. But they worked..so I dunno. We’ll definitely keep talking through everything. I think that’s the only way!

    5. Analyst Editor*

      There’s a blog I like, https://www.drpsychmom.com, where I took a lot of advice for myself and my own kids and my relationship…. So I’m going to parrot some stuff, but it totally plays out in my own family and in other families I’ve seen. I’d say on balance, more kids is better; however, your husband should be on board — because it can stress the relationship in the transition time BEFORE it gets better.

      The bad: A second child stresses a marriage, and it stresses mine (I have two). Less sleep, less time, more stuff, more diapers, the toddler gets jealous and moody – especially if you work full-time, so he already gets less attention, and he’s going through terrible 2/3’s. If your husband is hands-off with the kids, he will have to get more hands-on with a second.

      The good: BUT!! From the perspective of the child getting less attention: a child doesn’t need to be the laser-focus of all the adults in their life all the time; it’s not good for the adult, or the child, or the marriage….A sibling forces you to abandon some helicoptering instincts, which are powerful, and kick in at full gear when the toddlers start climbing those two-story slides at the playground!! — I speak from personal experience. A sibling forces your older child to reckon with not being the center of the world, and — if close in age — nets them a friend and a confidant, an ally who isn’t an adult.

      If I were in this position, I would try suggest trying for it without assistive reproductive technology, have lots of you-know-what, and leave it in the hands of “whatever gods may be”. Then if it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be…. and plus, all of that hanky-panky is also good for the relationship itself, hehe.

      1. Bella*

        Yeah, the attention thing is part of the reason I want a second kid. We’re probably going to end up having a lot of resources and I don’t want my kid to turn into a wealthy a hole. It’s also a lot of pressure on just one kid.
        But if we don’t have a second I could drop down to part time, and have more time with my kid. Which I’d love, but it would be more of that extra laser attention.

        1. Analyst Editor*

          On the other hand, you don’t NEED to laser-focus on them just because you have one :-)
          Some of it is luck of the draw, but if they play well by themselves, full power to them!! :D

        2. Roja*

          Speaking as an only, with a parent who stayed at home–please don’t have a second child just because you’re worried your only child will turn out to be a jerk. It’s *quite* possible to raise only children to be functioning members of society! There are lots and lots of us only children contributing to society as healthy and kind individuals, and that’s exactly what your child will be too.

    6. Analyst Editor*

      Wanted to add a thing re guilt. Sorry for this being long, but it hits close to home a bit.
      I totally get it, because you yourself have probably been in a situation where you thougjt you were ok with something, but then it turned out you weren’t and felt locked in, and felt like you could not speak up. I feel that fairly often.

      BUT: guys are different, for the most part. My husband will remember and criticize me in a fight about times I didn’t take his opinion into account, but he denies ever stewing about anything; if you’re guy is the type to get angry in a state of stress/hunger, but forgets it later, then he will probably on balance be ok with the second kid.

      Also BUT: I noticed for myself, that if I’m sleepy and/or hungry, I get so negative; all feelings of guilt, and being slighted, get magnified a lot. Now, it’s not that my problems are imaginary: but their seeming magnitude really depends on how I did myself that day…. I haven’t rely gotten a 100% handle on this yet, but I know intellectually that my husband isn’t as terrible as my depressive episode self might feel. So be careful of that, especially if you have any vestigial PPD.

      SO, For the sake of yourself and your relationship, and I am far from there yet, I think it is critical to get to a place where you guys can voice needs, even when they change, in an open and non-judgmental way. I think guilt and martyrdom turns toxic, and turns into resentment because our needs go unmet…. And few men have the innate ability to read our emotions subtly AND then know what to say. (But it goes both ways but I know the woman side experience.)

      Good luck!!!

      1. Analyst Editor*

        I just reread the above and it’s a little all over the place … But in my defense I have a sleeping baby right now and am myself somewhat sleepy, lol.

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Some things to consider –

      Having two kids is a *lot* more work/stress/disruption than one. It’s not just twice the work. So if you’re feeling guilty now when your kid is misbehaving, it’s going to be a lot worse when you’ve got two kids acting up, and you’re exhausted. Or the preschooler is having a meltdown, but you’re occupied with thew newborn and literally can’t step in.

      Think seriously about the effects of fertility treatments, miscarriage or a difficult pregnancy when it’s your husband who is going to have to step in and take care of your existing kid. If he resents losing your child-free life when you’re doing all the heavy lifting, will he be able to step up and take over if you’re having mood swings, or are on bed rest, or suffering from post-partum depression? Will he be able to do it without resenting you or the kid?

      And from a really pragmatic point of view – if having a second kid breaks your marriage, how well will you be able to handle being a full time single parent?

      To be honest, if your husband will resent the second kid (or already resents the first one), don’t do it. That’s not a good way for a kid to grow up. And if anything happened to you, they’d be in the full time care of someone who didn’t want them.

      1. Bella*

        Curious- would you gmind sharing how many kids you have, and the the gap between them? Sometimes I find it hard to know how to take comments when I don’t know where they’re coming from.

    8. Overeducated*

      I don’t know your answer because i deeply believe that decisions about having kids are emotionally and not logically driven. So you two have to reach inside yourselves and figure out what you can live with.

      My advice, though, is that you shouldn’t rush that part. A 1.5 year old is very young and very hard work; my husband and I weren’t ready to think about #2 at that point. Our high energy kid got a bit easier at 3, and our second was born around when #1 turned 5. I’m so happy to have #2, but by that point i could imagine having a cool life with just #1 because he could do so much more. Things may look very different a year from now. I am sure that’s hard to hear when you feel like time is of the essence and it’s not easy to actually have a kid, but I think it’s worth considering how much delay you could stand for letting this choice sit with you and imagining your lives both ways.

    9. Anon because this is super personal*

      I’m in the same situation in my family. We have an almost-four-year-old. I want another kid very badly. We’re not going to have one. We had planned on more, but I had some serious pregnancy complications that spouse doesn’t feel comfortable risking again, and also feels like they are at capacity in terms of what they can handle in their life right now. I am obviously devastatingly sad about that. I want another kid so badly that I cry about it out of nowhere sometimes. I dream about the baby I might have waiting for me out there somewhere. Seeing my friends get pregnant with their second and third kids feels like a punch in the gut. I still think it’s the right choice not to have another one.

      The right number of kids to have in a family is the smallest number of kids both parents feel enthusiastic about raising. I’m basing this on common sense and my own experience of how hard it is to parent a very much wanted kid, and also on my experience growing up; my brother was the product of some serious convincing on the part of one parent that overcame the reluctance of the other, and he now basically has no relationship with either parent because that reluctance was immensely obvious throughout our shared childhood. The child you will bring into the world isn’t just your kid, but a person in their own right, and every kid deserves to be genuinely wanted by the greatest possible number of parents.

      If your husband feels like he has the capacity to raise one child, he’s probably right. What do you think your family will look like if one parent is forced to exceed their parenting capacity literally all day, every day? It doesn’t sound like a recipe for success to me, which is why in my family we chose not to do it. I mourn the loss of the child I wanted and couldn’t have, but it’s getting easier with time and counselling.

      For us, we talked a lot about how we wanted our lives to look, and what we felt we needed to be happy. We recognized that there were always going to be some things we couldn’t have, because sometimes two things that you want are mutually exclusive. So we tried to come up with a plan that gave us the best overlap between what the two of us wanted, and the most things for both of us that would make us happy. Life isn’t perfect, and sometimes we don’t get to live some experiences and fulfil some needs that are really important, but we’ve worked hard to make ourselves a good life even so.

  72. LossMom*

    My six week old daughter died last summer after spending her entire life in the NICU. Her death and its aftermath have turned my world upside down. So many people are weird and awkward around baby loss, full of insensitive and unhelpful comments. Much (most) of the advice I have seen and read around grief is that I have to be the one to do the work of helping others feel less awkward or helping them figure out what to do with me since they just don’t know. A simple Google search provides a lot of really good advice from infant and child loss websites around ways to be supportive but people don’t seem to be finding that advice. So I have decided to try to start sharing some suggestions on things that are and are not helpful, based on my experiences and those of some other loss parents I know. My goal is to share one unhelpful thing and one helpful thing each time I post. My hope is that maybe by putting this in a non infant loss specific place, it might tuck into someone’s brain and provide some ideas if/when they are faced with another’s loss. My first suggestion of what not to say is “You’re better off with your baby dead because *reasons*.” This one should be self-evident, but apparently isn’t. There is no scenario where I am better off without my baby in my arms. Just never say this. On the other hand “What is your baby’s name?” is one of the most welcome and beautiful things you can say to someone whose baby is gone. I don’t love her any less, and I don’t love talking about her any less just because she isn’t here anymore. I’m forever grateful to those who ask about her.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Mom, I’m so sorry. Would you be willing to tell us your baby’s name? I think a lot of us would like to know.

      1. LossMom*

        Thanks for asking! Her name was Abigail. She was the prettiest baby there ever was if I do say so myself.

    3. nep*

      Thank you for this. Sitting here in a car in tears. Lifting you and Abigail up. May you be showered with love and grace. Peace

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      Have you read It’s Ok That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine? It’s a fabulous book about grief and loss, and one of the things she focuses on is the particular trauma of out-of-order death and unexpected death. As someone who’s suffered multiple pregnancy losses and the death of my mom during the last year, I found it immensely helpful, and one of the only books out there with the message that grief can’t be fixed, it can only be carried.

      I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Abigail.

      1. LossMom*

        I haven’t read that one. Thank you for the recommendation. I’m so sorry that this last year has given you such a crash course in grief. It’s a beast. I hope you can find a bit of peace even with the world the way it is right now.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      I am so sorry.
      Abigail is a beautiful, beautiful name.
      Sending you hugs, if you wish.

    7. Green Kangaroo*

      I am so sorry for your loss; Abigail is a beautiful name. May her memory be a blessing to you always.

      I learned a lot about child loss when a dear friend’s young son was killed by a drunk driver. I am sorry that you have to endure hurtful comments. People can be breathtakingly unkind, even unintentionally. I will pray for you and everyone who loves Abigail, if that’s OK.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Of all the losses I have seen in life, losing a child has to be the worst loss. It hits the parents so hard. And it hits other family members also in a manner that nothing else replicates.
      These inputs will be of such huge value to us and society as a whole. Thank you.

      Indeed, Abigail is a beautiful name. I am sure she will be a positive influence for all of us. I will be looking for your posts.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a hug. Abigail is an absolutely lovely name. What a great loss, and thank you for sharing with us.

    10. 'Tis Me*

      I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure baby Abigail was beautiful and sweet and darling, and I can tell that her short life was full of love and her memory is treasured.

  73. gross*

    Multiple times my husband has witnessed people walking their dogs and the dogs do their business right in our lawn and they’re about to walk away. Luckily he happens to be there, and he calls them out on it and they clean it up once they’r called out on it.

    However, I’m worried that one day someone will refuse to clean it up and get in a fight with him — he’s not a confrontational person. For every 1 person who’s cleaned it up there’s been a few others who just leave it there.

    This isn’t a new thing, I’ve seen this all around my city for many years. I just don’t understand the mentality of dog owners who don’t clean up after their dogs, and the audacity of the ones who leave it on our lawn.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      My apartment complex actually required all dogs to be DNA scanned. When they find poop, they DNA test it, and then send the dog owner a hefty fine. I had no idea such services existed.

      That’s not possible for you of course, but just the letter they sent out immediately reduced the amount of dog poop around the place. Perhaps putting up a sign to remind them to clean up after their dog?

    3. Anono-me*

      There are repellents that you can spray that smell noxious to dogs. You could apply the spray to the first few feet of your yard next to the sidewalk or street. We have had mixed results with them. There are also things you can buy that give off a high pitch noise that is inaudible to humans , but most dogs can hear and find annoying . I do not know how well these actually work . Many pet stores carry both types.

      Pet stores around here are still open and offering curbside. ( I wish they were offering curbside only, whoever goes to that first will probably be my pet store of choice after all this settles down. And I have called my current store to say so.) There are also number of online Pet suppliers that would probably have similar products.

      1. gross*

        I didn’t even know that existed, glad I asked here. I can look for those. I assume they’re not harmful to the dogs (it’s not the dog’s fault their owner is an asshole).

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Some of my neighbors put a dog-unfriendly surface next to the sidewalk: river rock with black netting over it, thorny shrubs, foot-high barriers, etc. That won’t stop the loose dogs, of course.
      Also, why do people bag dog poop and then leave the plastic-entombed poo for someone else to deal with?

      2. not today.*

        Yes! There was a municipal park where … dog owners left the poop bags hanging on the trees & bushes. Like a christmas decoration horror movie.

      3. Anono-me*

        Jerky people pick up the dog waste with a plastic bag because other people are watching them and judging them. The jerks leave the poo filled bags all over the place later, when no one’s watching, because no one’s watching and they don’t want to carry the plastic bag of dog poo any further than they have to.

        The jerks assume, correctly, that someone else will pick it up. Most dog owners I know, will pick up after their dog/s and then do at least one or two more at the dog park.

        Also, I’ve been told plastic bags of poo are dangerous around horses. As they smell like cereal grains and horses will eat them. The plastic bag can cause a dangerous or even fatal obstruction. So if you are one of the poo abandoning jerks, please don’t even bother with the bag if you are near horses (or other livestock or grain eating wildlife).

  74. Ciela*

    So I got several e-mails from my father-in-law Thursday (?), the days all run together, wanting me to book a vacation through a very scammy international time share company that he has a a membership with. Ummmm, no? First, travel ban? No idea when that will be lifted for anyone to travel outside the country. Second, will my husband and I still have a job by the end of the month? Who knows? Third, will my husband be healthy enough to travel when all this is over? Maybe? Might he get COVID-19 and end up in ICU? If he gets it, almost certainly yes. Outside of coronavirus, will his health conditions go from “chronic” to “acute” and prevent any travel? Maybe?

    Husband said his dad’s e-mail had been hacked, so I texted him to give him a heads up. Nope, he really does want us to book an international vacation ASAP because “that’s the only way to live and enjoy life”. WTF?!?!?
    Even in the best of times I’m rather agoraphobic, and now? Forget about it.

    I just want to stay in the house and watch cartoons, and never leave again.

  75. SophieChotek*

    Question about VPNs?
    (I have a Macbook/iphone/ipad) if that matters
    I keep hearing this is more secure but don’t even know what websites to trusts/read, etc.
    Do you pay for a VPN?
    Do you use it when even at home on one’s own network (I heard you should)?
    How do you use it when using free wi-fi at a coffee shop?
    Do you need VPNxnumber of wi-fi devices?
    Any assistance or pointers to good sources are appreciated!

    Thanks!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      (I have a Macbook/iphone/ipad) if that matters

      Doesn’t matter what kind of device, only that it’s connected to the Internet.

      I keep hearing this is more secure but don’t even know what websites to trusts/read, etc.

      It’s not inherently more secure. It’s only if you trust the VPN provider.

      Do you pay for a VPN?

      You’re far likelier to find a trustworthy VPN if it’s not a free one. Free ones still need to make money, so they’re likely making it off of some major privacy intrusions.

      Do you use it when even at home on one’s own network (I heard you should)?

      Only if you’re trying to spoof being in another country.

      How do you use it when using free wi-fi at a coffee shop?

      Connect to the free Wi-Fi and then connect your VPN client.

      Do you need VPNxnumber of wi-fi devices?

      I don’t know what this question means.

      Any assistance or pointers to good sources are appreciated!

      If you can just avoid public free Wi-Fi (coffee shops, airports) altogether, that’s best. But if you must connect, always use a VPN. VPN will by definition be slower than no VPN (because it’s routing through somewhere else instead of connecting directly), but that may be worth it to you for the sake of privacy/security.

      If your home network doesn’t have WPA2 encryption (or better), then start with that before you even start worrying about VPN. That is, if your home wireless network is using WEP or just no encryption at all (!), then fix that immediately.

    2. Anonymous Graphic Designer*

      Agree with everything Anonymous Educator said, but have some other points for consideration as well.

      – I keep hearing this is more secure but don’t even know what websites to trusts/read, etc.
      – A good VPN is both for security and privacy. It will encrypt your traffic, so that if people are listening in on your traffic, they will not be able to decipher it (yes, it’s possible to “tune in” to other people’s Wi-Fi networks, especially if they’re public or only use default passwords). It’s more private, because it keeps your IP address hidden from the websites you’re visiting. That said, if you’re using a bad one, like Anonymous Educator said, it’s both less secure and less private. I recommend checking out the EFF’s guide to picking one and reading reviews from computer/IT news sources.
      – Do you pay for a VPN?
      – Most of the good ones are at least about $10/mo. Although I have been hearing good things about ProtonVPN, which is free… but I can’t vouch for it.
      – Do you use it when even at home on one’s own network (I heard you should)?
      – If you’d like to keep websites from snooping on you and make it even harder to decrypt your traffic.
      – How do you use it when using free wi-fi at a coffee shop?
      – It will be a software application you install on your device. You should be able to set it to automatically run every time you connect to the Internet.
      – Do you need a VPNxnumber of wi-fi devices?
      – You will likely need to pay for a license for each device you install it on.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        Honestly, it’s going to be tough to get a proper recommendation on VPNs. The EFF doesn’t actually recommend any particular ones. They do have a link to a fairly comprehensive blog post on Wirecutter that has some recommendations, but folks on Ars Technica have pointed out that even Wirecutter’s recommendations may be suspect, because they have affiliate links.

        I would just go for a VPN that is paid and has a decent privacy policy as well as a history of not handing over logs to governments requesting logs. But never “trust” a VPN any more than you would trust any other business. Just because they aren’t “free” and ad-supported doesn’t mean they aren’t a business/corporation.

        – A good VPN is both for security and privacy. It will encrypt your traffic, so that if people are listening in on your traffic, they will not be able to decipher it (yes, it’s possible to “tune in” to other people’s Wi-Fi networks, especially if they’re public or only use default passwords).

        At its most practical, it’s basically a workaround for being on an unsecured network (mostly for coffee shops and airports). A lot of these networks are unsecured, which means people can actually spoof DNS quite easily and redirect you to places that aren’t where you’re trying to visit and/or capture your credentials. Assuming DNS isn’t compromised, most websites you visit will encrypt your traffic (between you and the site), but people may still be able to view what sites you’re visiting.

        It’s more private, because it keeps your IP address hidden from the websites you’re visiting.

        Which may not matter that much, unless you’re trying to trick your website into thinking you’re in another country, I don’t think this has a lot of value. If you’re persecuted in your country or a journalist being tracked by a government, you’re probably better off using Tor than a commercial VPN.

        .– Most of the good ones are at least about $10/mo. Although I have been hearing good things about ProtonVPN, which is free… but I can’t vouch for it.

        I would be extremely skeptical of any “free” VPN service. They’re paying for it somehow.

        – Do you use it when even at home on one’s own network (I heard you should)?
        – If you’d like to keep websites from snooping on you and make it even harder to decrypt your traffic.

        This isn’t really true. When you’re visiting a website, you’re visiting the website. Most websites use SSL encryption, and send you stuff, and you send stuff to them. Them being unable to decrypt your traffic makes no sense. If websites are privy to your other browsing behavior, it’s likely data sharing among social networks combined with third-party tracking cookies.

        – Do you need a VPNxnumber of wi-fi devices?
        – You will likely need to pay for a license for each device you install it on.

        Really depends on which VPN service you end up going with.

        Honestly, as I said before, VPN providers are just companies like any other company. They aren’t any more or less trustworthy as a whole. The main reasons for using one are to use streaming services outside of your country (dubious legality there) or to offer a measure of security/privacy on an unsecured network. VPN providers aren’t necessarily more trustworthy than your ISP (who would normally see what websites you visit if you weren’t using a VPN). So you’re either telling your ISP which websites you’re visiting or you’re telling the VPN service.

        If you’re super paranoid, use OpenVPN and host your own VPN server (not recommended if you don’t know what you’re doing). And, yes, if you’re a persecuted activist or journalist, use Tor.

  76. NotMyPresident*

    Removed because this comment section is politics-free (and someone had already ignored my request to keep politics out of replies), but you’re welcome to repost it without the politics. – Alison

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      I think with Covid-19 sheltering in place going on and trying to flatten the curve worldwide, any kind of moving to another country is going to be a bit logistically difficult. But, yes, this has been something I’ve thought about.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      I’d say that moving to another country in the next year or so is going to be logistically difficult given the economic piece and the restrictions of travel.

      However, as someone who left the US permanently fourteen years ago and recently gained citizenship in her new country…with every passing year I’ve been more and more satisfied with my decision. I never had any desire to return to the US, I love my new country, and I’m entirely pleased with what I’ve done. It was expensive and long and difficult, but worth it.

    4. University Minion*

      Every country has its drawbacks (and its strengths). Unless you’re seriously wealthy and can purchase your way to residence anywhere you want, your options are going to be pretty limited, especially with the entire world on hold as it is now. With that in mind, now, even more than in the relatively recent past, is the time to attempt to effect positive change right where you are, in whatever way you are able.

  77. COVID-19 Talk*

    Flagging the content since there doesn’t seem to be a COVID thread today. People can use this post as a thread if they want.

    So…I’m getting some worrying symptoms. They are currently mild, so I’m trying to refrain from freaking out, but as I just got over the common cold so I’m worried about what this could possibly be. I have a mild sore throat and a tickle originating deep in my chest, though I’m not coughing. I also feel fatigued and my body is aching a little.

    Does this sound like coronavirus to people who are familiar with the symptoms?

    I do have an appetite so there is that. I’ve been cooking all day.

    2. nep*

      Sorry you’re not well. True, it’s good you’ve got an appetite. Hope you’ll get some rest and all symptoms will clear soon. Keep us posted.
      (The overwhelming uncertainty is one of the absolute worst parts of all this.)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Making everything confusing, there were several strains of flu going around NYS before this all started. We had 152k affected by these bugs. I haven’t looked to see the current number in a couple weeks, so I am sure that number is wrong now.
      You might check your state’s website to look over the statistics for whatever else might be going on concurrently.

      And do get some extra sleep. My throat started getting scratchy about a month plus ago, I got some extra rest and it went out pretty fast. Be sure to drink plenty of water to help it pass.

      1. COVID-19 Talk*

        Yeah – I figured I would treat it as a regular cold and let it pass while not leaving the house. I don’t know if I want to bother getting tested right now since it seems like a hassle.

    4. BuildMeUp*

      It could be, but it might not be. Unfortunately, with mild symptoms, it’s very hard to tell. I had about 1.5 weeks of mild fever/cough/chest pressure/sore throat (that has thankfully been getting better over the last few days), and I assume I had it, but was not able to get tested and know for sure.

      I had a telemedicine appointment with a doctor (which I recommend doing if you can – I did mine through a local walk-in clinic’s website). He basically said that at this point, especially if you’re in an area with other cases, to assume you probably have it and self-quarantine.

    5. misspiggy*

      We had very similar symptoms to you a couple of weeks ago. We distanced from each other in the house to reduce viral load, ate oranges, took zinc and Vitamin D as usual, and rested like we were invalids in a 19th century novel. Also took over the counter antihistamines when inflammation and breathlessness got worse.

      We had some shortness of breath and a great deal of fatigue and wooziness, but it passed after a few days.

  78. OyHiOh*

    ***** COVID/pandemic related

    First week of public distance learning was rough. At school, each child’s Chromebook stays logged into all of the education sites they use so they’ve used their login credentials no more than once or twice the entire year. Those Chromebooks, as yet, have not been distributed to students to use at home. It’s a long and frustrating story. Mine started the week not knowing how to get into anything so that was exciting. Eventually, most teachers got most of the login credentials sent out to students but some sites (ReadWorks, looking at you) have trouble understanding that multiple users are on the same device and do not easily log one student off and another student in. Youngest dragon ended up submitting her reading comprehension homework to middle child’s teacher as a result of that. I mean, in the grand scope of the universe, the bumps and bruises our district is encountering are relatively mild but they’re frustrating and I really do worry for our under privilaged families who may not be able to easily navigate trough the array of Google Classroom and associated sites. We have an unusually high percentage of grandparents raising their grandchildren through school years, which adds more challenges. There are a lot of psycho-social needs going unmet right now, despite awareness campaigns to connect families to resources.

    Writing quite a bit, making some art pieces, knitting a lot. Making a “unicorn tail” blanket for youngest dragon and feeling a little grumpy that for unclear reasons, the Lion brand Mandala roll I want to tassel the blanket is suddenly $7 to $9 depending on where I look instead of about $5 or $6. The blanket is just double seed stitch on US #2 needles – I used two skeins of Caron (gold and sky blue) and a Lion Mandala in Unicorn Sparkle (divided into three) and planning to edge the entire thing with tassels too. Youngest dragon is already in love with it.

    Mostly feeling unheard – our school district is trying to promote a “look, everything is wonderful and look how good this is for family bonding!!!!!” shiny happy image – and incredibly lonely. Dragon hugs and phone conversations just are not the same as regular contact with adult friends. I’m very envious of my friends (most!) who live with spouses or partners or multiple family generations. Doing this as a single parent is hard. On the other hand, dragons are adapting well – lots of spontaneous art projects happening, writing, and story telling – and when we take walks they’re doing a good job of maintaining minimum of six foot separation from others we encounter. They talk longingly about “a long time ago, when everyone was not sick and we could play on the playground” like the old normal was years ago, not a scant few weeks in the past.

    1. OyHiOh*

      I have to say – our state’s PBS going to broadcasting STEAM content from 8am to 5pm is a godsend! So many interesting programs that the dragons are genuinely drawn into. Oldest dragon has a rapidly expanding list of book on Audible drawn from what he’s heard talked about on The Great American Read.

    2. Bibliovore*

      I hear you. Sending love to you and your dragons. This IS hard and you are doing great.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      sending you and the dragons virtual hugs.
      I’d love to see the knitting project. I got some yarn and needles, and may try (again!) to learn to knit. that project sound gorgeous!

      1. OyHiOh*

        Funny story about knitting!

        “Learn how to knit” was a annual new years goal of mine for about five years. At the very tail end of 2015, I finally got some big cheap needles and “standard issue WalMart yarn” and in the last five days of the year, taught myself to knit. I do not knit “correctly,” LOL! My way of knitting is somewhere halfway between the English and German techniques and results in a very pretty herringbone texture that professionals praise . . . until they actually watch how I knit and realize I’m doing everything wrong. That’s a comment with a great deal of humor behind it. What I do works for me, the way my eyes and hands and brain all function together. Nobody has actually suggested I try to “fix” my technique because it clearly works for me.

        However, it’s also one of the the things I learned for an entirely different purpose, that turned out to be a foundation coping skill. It’s become a moving meditation for me. Somewhere around 400 stitches, if I can stay still and knit that long, my brain just sort of gives up churning around whatever excess emotion is going on and calms down. I have to use very repetitive patterns like this one – double seed stitch is basically knit 2 purl 2 for thousands and thousands of stitches – but it works like a charm.

  79. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I posted last week about having a lot to do at home during quarantine but just being too depressed over losing my job to really have the energy to do much. A lot of helpful practical advice was given. I bought a watercolor kit, a paint by numbers photo, as well as some brushes, and an adult activity book. They finally came yesterday so going to use it today. Kind of blocked for ideas.

    Counting whatever little positives I have right now –
    -my stockpile of books that I’ve been buying since 2017 I haven’t read. and a bunch that I can re-read because it’s been that long.
    -I made blueberry pancakes today from scratch.
    -husband and I have separate parts of the home we spend time in, so while we spend time together, we also have sufficient space so we don’t get sick of each other

  80. Pennalynn Lott*

    When ex-BF [finally!] moves out at the end of the month, I will be ditching DirecTV ($100/mo).

    I’ve decided to go with the following setup:

    * Mohu Leaf 50 Indoor HDTV antenna
    * Tablo QUAD (4-tuner) DVR
    * External 2TB hard drive for the DVR
    * Roku Express Streaming Box (one for my mom who lives with me, one for me) so that our not-so-smart TVs can connect to the DVR; plus if I ever decide to get a Netflix subscription, the Roku will let me stream it to the TVs.
    * Universal TV remote that works with Roku (mostly so my mom doesn’t have to juggle multiple remotes).

    The equipment — with applicable tax and shipping — is $450.
    I’ll pay $50/year for Tablo’s on-screen, integrated TV listings guide.

    So while the initial outlay is kind of painful, the setup will pay for itself in five months.

    Has anyone else “cut the cord”? Any pitfalls or tips to share?

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yeah, I think the Roku + several streaming subscriptions will give you access to most shows / channels without having to get cable / DVR. Which is basically what I did – went from cable + internet to internet only + Roku – I pay for Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. I’m saving more money now, and don’t find that there are shows I want to watch but can’t.

        Of course this is all dependent on your preferences – I’m not into sports or reality tv, so what I’m doing may not work for you.

        1. Pennalynn Lott*

          I have no streaming subscriptions and no interest in getting any. Pretty much the only time my TV is on is to watch the news. My mom mostly watches PBS. I want the DVR so I can record the news and skip through the commercials. And so if I get home at 6:30 (whenever we can go back to something that resembles our pre-COVID lives), I can still catch the news. My mom keeps vampire hours, so the DVR will let her watch her favorites any time, not just when they air.

    2. T. Boone Pickens*

      My family all decided within a month to collectively cut the cord so we’re splitting a YouTube TV subscription between us. $50/month split 4 ways is a whole heckuva lot cheaper than what I was paying beforehand.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      I don’t know if I qualify as a cord cutter since I never had cable to start with, but since it looks like you are relying entirely on the antenna — do you already have a good idea of what channels you expect to pick up in your area?

      We’re in a rural area, so we can get the PBS station and that is about it. We definitely don’t have enough options to warrant needed to record on DVR, much less needing an external hard drive with that much storage, but your experience might be completely different if you have lots of stations in range. If you’re not sure, try buying the antenna first to test before you bite the bullet.

      We subscribe to Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Disney+ currently. We’ll probably drop Disney in a couple months and pick up Hulu again. We also will stream current shows from the CW website or the PBS website, but sometimes streaming is locked down for cable subscribers only. We’re not sports people so we’re happy with this setup.

      Love the Roku interface! We used to use Chromecast but since we upgraded to a Roku tv, I love it and the free Roku channel has some good stuff (with ads).

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        I live in a big metro area and the furthest antenna is only 29.6 miles away. According to all the sites I’ve looked at that say what channels I can expect to receive, there are far more than I care to watch.

        I’ll admit that the huge hard drive is for whenever PBS runs Dr Who marathons. I want to record all of them and keep them forever. :-)

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I did. I have Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Britbox, and a PBS subscription. I have more TV than I can ever watch, much more than I had on cable. Anything I can’t see, I really don’t miss. I don’t watch any network shows to speak of, but the antenna covers that.

      Hulu runs many of the shows I could have watched on cable. I can also purchase Doctor Who on Amazon by season. The only thing I wish I had is Nickelodeon. If they made a streaming service of their own with all the cartoons and shows, I’d totally get it, haha.

      Overall, even with cable internet, it was a value, because I’m paying less for content I actually will watch. So it was worth it to me.

      1. Nessun*

        How do you like Britbox? I have AcornTV and I’m not sure what the difference is, but I really like having British viewing options. (I have access to all the Doctor Who I need, but everything else is up for discovery. )

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I like it. Their interface could be a lot better, however. I need to watch it more to justify keeping it. But it seems that with streaming, I have FAR more shows to watch than I ever did with cable and not enough hours in the day to do it before they dump a show or it moves to another service.

  81. NEanon*

    How strictly is everyone maintaining quarantine with close family members? My brother already suffers from severe depression and doesn’t do well with social isolation and wants to come stay next weekend (we live within an hour). Both our households have been following the stay at home guidance except for grocery shopping. But my husband has a non remote “essential” job. So generally we are doing our part to social distance but not sure if can consider any family contact at all?

    1. Inolde*

      The advice here is no contact with anyone who is not already part of your household. I would not consider having a relative to stay to be in keeping with the quarantine restrictions at all. We didn’t let my brother in the house last week when he came by – we left stuff outside for him to pick up for the nephew’s birthday.

      I personally don’t think there’s much point in making exceptions. This whole thing only works if people stay apart. If your brother comes to stay with you, is he prepared to stay there until this whole thing ends, or is he planning to leave again? And are you willing to have him live with you indefinitely?

    2. Cat*

      I’m a single mom with a baby and I’m still seeing my parents. None of us are seeing anyone else. My parents are going grocery shopping. I’m doing delivery of groceries. Is this absolutely ideal? No but imo it’s not that different than having a household of four. I get paid based on how much I work and I have a mortgage that needs to get paid. I need help with childcare. I think there’s room for individual discretion in all this.

      In my state the stay at home order specifically exempts caring for family members.

      1. Dan*

        My take on the “exemptions for family care” has less to do with actual transmission risk, and more to do with the psychological impacts of following the order. That is, most people with family care responsibilities are going to do it anyway, so if that weren’t permitted, then it’s too easy to think, “well I already violated the order, so I guess it doesn’t matter anymore, does it?” Whereas by letting people have a clean conscience about exemptions, we’re more likely to try and remain compliant with the order overall. Because every bit helps, so you want people to do what they can, when they can.

          1. Dan*

            You wrote this: “In my state the stay at home order specifically exempts caring for family members.”

            My response may not have been relevant to *you*, but this thread was asking if it’s ok to see family.

      2. HBJ*

        Yup. People like to have these strict rules, but they are often contradictory. I’m pregnant. I’m not supposed to take my young children to my appointments. My husband works in essential services, and, no, he cannot work from home. (And to be clear, since I’ve seen comments in the past where people don’t believe someone when they say they can’t work from home, I mean he literally can’t work from home unless someone wants to spend billions to build a facility out back of our house). My practice doesn’t have Saturday or 6 am or 8 pm on Wednesday appointments. What am I supposed to do? Skip important prenatal care? No, so I’m leaving my kids with my sister.

        All these rules are screwing over single parents, parents with a deployed spouse, parents where one person does travel work or works remotely, parents where one works long shifts, etc.

        1. Green Kangaroo*

          These are some of the people who would be most seriously affected by getting sick, so the rules are in place to protect them. Unfortunately in this situation the rules are only as effective as the number of people who follow them.

          1. OyHiOh*

            The best practice recommendations assume a certain amount of privilage – two healthy able bodied adults in the home, in work that can be done from home if necessary – and the statistics follow accordingly. Assuming a location where state government has been responsive and people have mostly heeded warnings and adjusted their behavior accordingly, people who can afford to comfortably shelter in place, bring work home, etc, have done so. Those who cannot, have not, and are paying the price. It is the grim reality of a country that possesses only the most minimal social safety nets. The rules are only as effective as the safety nets that exist to catch people and/or help them not get sick in the first place.

      3. Jedi Squirrel*

        but imo it’s not that different than having a household of four.

        Sorry, but it’s a lot different.

        I think there’s room for individual discretion in all this.

        No, there isn’t. The corona virus doesn’t say “oh, well she’s got people she needs to take care of; I guess I won’t kill her.”

        Attitudes like this are killing people. This is some serious stuff.

        1. Cat*

          How is it different? If I lived with them I’d be exposed to exactly the same number of people – them. And they’d be exposed to the same number of people – me, the baby, and the people at the grocery store (and yes, I have suggested that we pool grocery delivery but they’re not willing to do that). I drive from here to there in a sealed car.

          I’m willing to be convinced otherwise but I really see no difference between what I’m doing vs. what would happen if we lived in a multigenerational household. And as far as I can tell, the only people exposed to increased risk by this arrangement are me and my baby since we haven’t interacted with anyone else for over two weeks.

          And you’re right the virus doesn’t discriminate. But the stay at home orders all have exceptions for a reason. Which is that we’re balancing isolation with other important things.

          1. Cat*

            Also the idea that I’m not taking it seriously is both wrong and offensive. And you’d know that if you actually paid attention to my comment instead of making a knee jerk assumption that everyone who makes a choice other than you is killing people, even if they’re complying with public health directives.

        2. Old and Don’t Care*

          Do you think the poster should quit her job? What other option does she have?

          I think that when states closed day care facilities they realized that family members would be caring for children of people who were going to work, so wrote those exemptions. Again, what else can you do?

      4. Courageous cat*

        Yeah, I think people have taken a very black and white approach to this, which is smart in many ways, but you can’t let perfect be the enemy of the good in certain situations. You’re obviously taking a risk, but it’s not like you’re going out to grocery stores and rubbing your face all over the pin pad, either. If your risk is low, then that’s still better than the alternative.

        Basically, do the best you can do, and it sounds like you are.

    3. Dan*

      Inolde is correct in that “we share genes” doesn’t void the virus-spreading risks. Going to the grocery doesn’t void them either. Your DH has a non-remote job, presumably he’s coming into contact with people. So you’re already assuming *some* risk anyway.

      I won’t comment on how much adding your brother to your physical contact circle is going to increase transmission risk, because I don’t know. Some of these things are exponential; if your’e below a threshold, then things are minimal, but if you’re above that threshold, then things skyrocket.

      If you choose to have your brother, know that you’re accepting that risk.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      It’s me and my husband and mother. Mom stays downstairs usually (did so before all this) but we share a kitchen and there’s one entrance so going downstairs is necessary.

      My husband does the grocery shopping and pharmacy runs, we try to limit everything to once a week but it doesn’t always happen. He wears a mask and gloves, maintains distance and washes up when he comes inside the house and I avoid him for a bit. Some stores we go to don’t have parking lots it’s street parking so I tag along and then sit in th car while he goes inside; the ones wiht parking lots, I do not go.

      I’m not working but I do go out for my prenatal appointments which are every other week. husband insists on driving me and he waits in the car while I go for my appts. Last time my Dr office was only allowing patients, so the entire waiting room was empty.

    5. Jedi Squirrel*

      I used to visit my parents all the time. I haven’t let them leave their house for three weeks. I drop off groceries in their garage, spray them with Lysol, and then call them from the street to let them know they are there. (I do this once a week.)

      It’s hard. It’s hard on me, it’s hard on them, it’s hard on their dog, who misses me terribly. But they are in several high risk groups and this is how we get through it.

      Your brother should stay where he is.

      1. nep*

        +1
        This period is so difficult for everyone, but the very things we find toughest will only have to last for longer if we don’t meticulously do distancing now and do it right. This virus is spreading like wildfire.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Exactly.

          As my mother told me (over the phone) the other day: Better lonely and bored than dead.

          1. Cat*

            Except that if you have a mental illness like severe depression, that might not be the choice.

            1. Jedi Squirrel*

              Nope. The corona virus doesn’t care whether you have mental illness or not. You schmooze, you lose.

              People need to take this virus a hell of a lot more seriously than they are.

              1. Cat*

                Yes and suicidal depression also doesn’t take into account whether there’s a virus. You’re being really awful here. I’m not saying the OP should or shouldn’t do anything. She knows her brother. I don’t. But mental health problems are real. If this is a serious threat to her brother’s safety for mental health reason that’s a valid thing to consider.

                2. Potatoes gonna potate*

                  Cat, I’ve been vocal as I can be in other spaces about this – people with mental illness are suffering as well and could commit suicide. Didn’t we have someone on last week’s thread speaking about their suicidal feelings? I hope they got the help they needed. There’s a reason isolation/confinement is considered a punishment at any given time. It’s not a desirable situation for anyone to be in.

      2. Old and Don’t Care*

        It’s really horrifying to me when people talk about “letting” or “not letting” their parents do anything. It’s actually quite offensive.

        1. Katzenberg*

          Yeah, this has been the hardest thing for me to navigate during the pandemic. My mom has pretty severe anxiety and staying indoors and isolate is wreaking havoc on her panic attacks. I would like to lock my parents in their condo and roll them in shrink wrap, but I don’t have the right to do that and they wouldn’t let me do it. The only thing we can do is talk and try to find solutions that satisfy us all. Ultimately they are adults and have to treat them that way.

        2. WellRed*

          Unfortunately, many people lose the ability to make sound decisions or simply refuse to do it and someone needs to step in. Think of people that shouldn’t be driving.

        3. Pennalynn Lott*

          At this stage in our lives (me, 53; my mom, 74), so many things have reversed in our parent-child relationship with me making more and more decisions for her.

          She lives with me and jokes to her friends (over the phone and email) that I’ve “grounded” her and won’t “let” her leave the house. It really is a joke because there’s no real enforcement behind it. It’s not like I’m going to kick her out because she has decided to drive my at-risk brother to his doctor’s appointment on Monday (so he doesn’t have to take public transportation). All I can do is send her out with her lone N95 mask, a bunch of gloves, and a baggie full of paper towels soaked in 70% isopropyl alcohol and hope for the best.

          Many times, word choices that on their face sound offensive and demeaning are simply a humorous twist meant to help people get through tough situations. The overwhelming majority of people saying they’re “letting” their parents do something is simply a joke about the decisions both parties have agreed to. (i.e., my mom is fine with me doing her grocery shopping for her).

      3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

        Your parents don’t need your permission. They are adults and, I assume, mentally capable of making a decision without your input.

    6. Overeducated*

      I think you have to weigh the danger to your brother of being alone against the larger public health risks. Yes, having him come would be breaking stay at home restrictions, and introduces one potential link for transmission. But I would think about what strictly following the rules could mean for someone with severe depression exacerbated by isolation, too. You know him, his mental health, and his coping abilities better than internet strangers. We can say things like “it’s hard on everyone but everyone has to do their part” because we don’t know if that would be a higher health risk for him than actually getting COVID-19, or the small possibility that he would pass it from your household to others in the grocery store.

      1. Overeducated*

        PS if anyone thinks I’m not taking it seriously, I’m not having an easy time not seeing any of my family while worrying about them all for at least 3 months, and I’m following all the rules and guidance in place in my state. I’m commenting specifically on the “severe depression” angle and the possibility that the brother may in fact not be psychologically able to “do his part” for public health without greater risk to himself.

        1. nep*

          Not minimising or dismissing that circumstance at all; I get it. My statement was about the angst and pain people feel in general. I should have made that clear.

          1. Overeducated*

            I understand, and you’re right, it’s a scary time. I think a lot of people seem quick to jump on others right now due to that fear, so I wanted to qualify my comment to avoid starting a fight.

      2. Washi*

        I agree with this. It isn’t clear if you meant he would come stay permanently or just come for a weekend and then go back. If you meant stay semi-permanently and completely combine households then yeah, I think you have to weigh risks as Overeducated says. I wouldn’t judge you for landing on “he comes to live with us” if it saves his life.

    7. Analyst Editor*

      I think that people make exceptions when they need to.
      I don’t think it’s realistic to expect 100% of quarantine compliance, without tanks in the streets. Maybe 70% is enough. But if you set the rules at “hey all, let’s be 70% less socially connected”, then you’ll only get 70% of that — and that deteriorates quickly. If everyone was actually socially distancing, washing hands, only going to stores every so often, not hanging out in big groups on beaches, etc. you might not need “stay at home” orders. But because they exist and most people observe them most of the time, you’re cutting down transmission risk such that those who need can afford to break it a little bit.
      It’s like herd immunity [NOT for COVID19 – in general] – you only need, say, 95% vaccinated to maintain it; but you need that 5% margin for the people who CAN’T get the vaccine (allergic to it, no access to care, etc.) – you can’t waste it on people who *prefer* not to vaccinate.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I think they don’t know enough yet and everyone is limping through as best they can.
      I see some people are doing a closed circle. This is where people from different households agree to only be around each other.
      But then I saw another report that indicates people get it in clusters that follow family lines because they all keep hanging out with each other. I suspect the explanation will run deeper than that in the end. It could be that some families don’t encourage each other to follow safety precautions, for example.

      I don’t have any family near me, but I do have good friends. I don’t go into their houses. We are pretty rural here and our stats for this county are very low. My take on it is, if a friend gets sick the first thing that will come out, “Well NSNR was here!”. I don’t wanna be that person. Now if my friend’s house is on fire, am I going try to run in and get them? You betcha. The fire is immediate, we can deal with possible virus in a bit, let’s get out of the burning building first.
      This is all uncharted territory for us. Check with your county to see if there are any restrictions first. Here incoming people have to quarantine for 14 days. You may want to check at city level or state level for restrictions also.

      1. NEanon*

        Yes, this is sort of what i was thinking about – the closed circle idea – when even considering it but have also seen the articles about clusters as well.

    9. NEanon*

      I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the feedback. Especially to those of you who responded thoughtfully and respectfully even if you were pushing back on the idea. And also thanks to those who acknowledged the seriousness and nuance of mental health (yes my brother has been suicidal) and recognize that this situation is not binary. There are many people who don’t have a choice about going in to work or having someone watch their kids. But I agree that its probably not the best idea as long as we aren’t yet at the point of him harming himself (I hope). We were thinking about fully combining households for the duration but its not clear if that will be feasible at this point.

      1. Sara(h)*

        I like your wording that the situation is “not binary.” And yes, I agree that it’s not the best idea as long as he is safe, but I also understand why you are considering it. Have you done video chats? That can really help with staying in touch and making him feel less isolated. Maybe even send him little notes and postcards via US mail to cheer him up. You could play games online — there are so many options that aren’t just video games, but digital versions of traditional games like chess and scrabble. Maybe you could use an online retailer eto him some treats you know he loves, or even toilet paper (if it’s in stock!) and other things that could cheer him up and/or would be helpful.

    10. Epsilon Delta*

      I think if your brother really needs to see you in person for his well being, you should consider having him move in for a longer period of time, especially given that you live in different communities. If that’s not possible, I’d encourage you to find other ways to connect remotely before trying this.

      This is a really fraught time, where we’re debating the ethics of everything. Recommendations are changing daily. There aren’t any clear answers, and we just have to make the least bad choice we can with the information we have at the moment.

      So I’m not going to tell you that I think it’s OK for your brother to come visit for a few days (because I don’t think it is), but I’m also not going to tell you that you are a monster if you make that choice. If this was just a social visit/”we all just miss each other” stunt like what my in-laws are pulling every weekend, I would have a different, more colorful answer for you, but that isn’t what you described.

      We are all making bad choices now because there are no good choices left. Ultimately, you have to make the decision you feel is best (least bad) for your brother, your family, and society, and the one with consequences you feel you can live with.

    11. LGC*

      I have only seen my parents once since…the weekend of the 15th. More to the point, I’ve only seen my dad once, and that was because he dropped off something for me. (I haven’t seen my mom or my aunt.)

      With your case…that’s pretty hard. But it feels like the best choice for society is to tell him he can’t come. Besides -what I’ve heard is that “social distancing” is a terrible term to use because it’s really physical distancing. The “danger” is other people and their germs – I’m not a threat to you typing to you on AAM or FaceTiming or hopping on a Zoom meeting, but I am if I’m in your house. Granted, there’s something about being in physical proximity to someone – I live by myself, and my parents live a 5 minute drive away and it’s been REALLY tempting to go over to their place. But I don’t want to take that risk, just because I don’t know what I’ve picked up or if I’m a carrier or not. (Or – okay – if my mom or dad are carriers.)

      I don’t know if you can find a way to be available in a way that works for everyone (including you). But I hope you can.

    12. Internet Stranger*

      As one with depression I think that frankly, everyone needs to find a balance between doing good for public health and health of others (self-isolation) and his or her own mental health.
      After some weeks in self-isolation I understood that something gotta give, if I don’t want to overwhelm the medical system with, you know, suicide attempt or something. Maybe it can be called selfish. All my friends refusing to see me even before the official lockdown, out of health and safety fears… that stung. I knew that it wasn’t rejection of *me*, of course. But that really stung. So that’s the rules for me: I am single and live alone, I do self-isolation, I don’t go to the shop that much often, I wash my hands etc, I am doing what I can do. But I need to go outside every day, for bike trip or running or just walking (allowed in my country). And I visited my mom and my therapist during the last week (without touching, with hands-washing and disinfecting everything, etc.)
      So please, if you feel that the situation with your brother is serious, please let him come over.

  82. KoiFeeder*

    Does anyone have experience with preventative mastectomies? I’ve been told that it’s not recommended for even a strong family history of estrogen-receptive cancers, but given my other health issues, there isn’t much (if any!) estrogen being produced. Honestly, I would not be upset to get that number down to zero and just be done with the spectre of cancer anyways.

    Obviously this isn’t the time to start, but I’m reaching the age when it usually shows up in the family, so it’s definitely a pressing concern for me. And I’ve had way too much time to do nothing but dwell on the subject, at the moment.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Have you had genetic testing? They’re usually only indicated for BRCA positive people. But your doctor or an oncologist would be a better resource.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Are you an Ashkenazi Jew? My understanding is for a long time, if you didn’t have a family cluster AND cancer, insurance wouldn’t cover the test. This happened to me 15 years ago. They tested my mother, but not me, which meant we couldn’t know if I might be have BRCA1 or 2 from my father’s side. However, at a recent pre-pandemic appointment, after looking at my family history the doctor asked me if I’d been tested. When I said no, she asked if we were Ashkenazi, which we are. She told me nowadays, that alone is enough to get the test covered. So if you’re interested in being tested yourself, that could be an avenue to pursue first. In any event, it’s worth discussing with a doctor.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            My father’s family has no history of reproductive cancers whatsoever, and the only cancers at all are from people who drank or smoked far beyond normal usage. It would be highly unlikely for me to have either gene from his side.

            Whatever is going on with the breast cancer on my mother’s side of the family, it is very consistent and seems to happen regardless of external factors such as smoking, alcohol, birth control usage, etc. It usually happens between 20-30 years of age, usually more towards 25-30. It’s always paired with the endometriosis common on that side of the family, and I already have endometriosis. The “good” thing about it is that it doesn’t tend to travel outside of the breasts- it metastasized in my mom and got caught again 20-some years later, and it was barely present in the nearby lymph nodes.

            I know what to expect, but I’m not really happy about waiting for the hammer to fall, you know? I actually don’t even like my breasts at this point, I can’t even look at them without wondering if there’s cancer in there. And that’s after therapy!

          2. KoiFeeder*

            None of that even answered your question, whoops!

            No, I’m not an Ashkenazi Jew, and I don’t believe there are any in the family tree.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Then you’re not likely a good candidate for a preventive mastectomy. I get where you’re coming from. My mom had breast cancer and so did her mom. But mom was BRCA negative and was on HRT for menopause so that likely raised her risk. All I can do is be vigilant as I get older.

    2. WS*

      It’s not usually recommended because it’s major surgery (which carries its own risks) and it’s not a 100% guarantee either, as breast tissue isn’t always all in the breasts. When you can, you should see a genetic counsellor with all the information about your family history to make a medically informed decision. Whichever cancer centre treated your mother and other relatives should have information on how to do this.
      In the meantime, you’re obviously being aware and doing the appropriate checks, which is a good thing.

  83. Aurora Leigh*

    I know there’s several others here planning weddings, how are you all doing?

    We’ve made the decision that we want to have a closed ceremony with just us, our officiant, our photographer, and someone (probably the best man) to livestream the ceremony for our friends and family. I just couldn’t face putting off the marriage (May 16) but we’ve rescheduled the party for August 22 . . . Hopefully by then we can all get together and it will be even sweeter after all the social distancing.

    My husband to be has a convertible, so we plan to drive around after the ceremony and social distance wave at all our local friends and family.

    What are you doing? How are you coping? And if anyone has any tips on livestreaming I am all ears!

    1. Reba*

      That sounds lovely! The convertible is a creative solution and I hope the whole day(s) are meaningful and fun.

    2. MissBliss*

      Our wedding was to be the week before yours, but we’re going to postpone our party as well. We may be pushing up the actual marriage part by a full month (I want to do it as soon as we can get our hands on the marriage license!). Legally, I don’t think our photographer can be there… So our current plan is to go to one of my favorite parks with our dogs, take photos ourselves, exchange vows, and then meet with our officiant to make it official. The park is near my mother and grandparents’ houses, so I think we might take your idea and drive by to wave :)

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I’m so glad you’re finding a way to get married as well! I read your post below and I relate so much — I originally was in favor of just eloping too.

        And yes please steal the waving!

    3. Ranon*

      I’m not planning a wedding, but I think generally if you’re engaged and you want your person to be the one legally empowered to make medical decisions for you now is a very wise time to get hitched. Particularly if it also gives one partner access to health insurance.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Yes, this. My job is on shaky ground right now, and his is very stable with union protections and amazing health insurance. While there are so many other reasons I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him, I would be lying if I said the insurance thing wasn’t in the list of reasons for not putting this off.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My friend married her LT partner because of insurance. They are 40 years together and going strong. It’s not the insurance that KEPT them together, the insurance just moved up the wedding date that is all. ;)

  84. nep*

    Pandemic-related.
    Just wondering whether anyone has turned to any of the talks online aimed at helping work through this period. I’ve peeked in at several of them. (Different personalities and approaches for different people, of course. And truly most of them remind us that we already are the strength that we need.) I am so, so grateful for Jon Kabat-Zinn, who’s been doing daily online meditations and Q&A. He is a gift.

  85. Jedi Squirrel*

    I made homemade pizza.

    I used a dough recipe I found on the internet, but doubled the amount of oil, because I like a shorter crust.

    Pizza sauce: 1 15 oz can tomato sauce, 1/2 tsp granulated garlic, 1 tsp oregano, 1 tsp basil, 1 tsp Italian seasoning.

    Used the last bit of sausage I had in the fridge, mozzarella, black olives, green onions, Parmesan cheese, red pepper flakes, crushed fennel seeds. I had canned mushrooms, but forgot to add them (dog-gone it!). Pairing with Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Barleywine Style Ale.

    I wish someone were here to share it with me.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      That sounds good. I used to love making pizza in my downtime, it’s a little more challenging now with the limitation on supplies/ingredients.

    2. Pennyworth*

      Oh that sounds so good, I wish I could be there to share. In fact I have shared it, in my mind, and now I am hungry!

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Nope. I used to have a stone, but it did not survive the last move. (Someone‒I forget who‒said there’s a god of moving and you tithe ten percent of your possessions to them. I have found that to be true.)

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          I understand. I had one about 4 moves ago, it was heavy…and it got gifted rather than lug it with us.
          I’ve not heard that about the tithing, but tis true…. sometimes, it is 1/2 of something that gets tithed. I have electronics with no cords, and cords that don’t belong to anything. It’s a mystery!

    4. Anonnington*

      I miss pizza. I don’t want to order takeout right now. I think it’s not worth the risk when I can cook at home instead.

  86. Best Cat in the World*

    I’m wearing surgical masks a lot lately, proper medical ones, at work and I’m starting to struggle with areas of my face and neck becoming sore. Obviously, I’d much rather have the sore bits than not have the masks but I was wondering if there was anyone who had any suggestions on how to minimise the damage and discomfort please.

    In particular, my cheeks feel stiff and the tips and backs of my ears are painful. I’m also starting to get a red line on my nose and a bruise type mark on my neck from the ties.

    I’m not very good at skincare stuff, my usual routine includes moisturiser most mornings and nights, minimial makeup (especially at the moment, don’t see the point in wasting it when noone sees my face properly!) and occasional cleansing. I also use a hot cloth cleanser and a hydrating sleep-in mask thing after a run of night shifts.

    If anyone has any suggestions for the best type of thing to use, especially for my cheeks and ears, I’d love to hear them! Thank you and stay safe.

    1. fposte*

      Have you seen the headbands with buttons that you attach a mask to? They’re being touted as a way to avoid the ear problem. There are instructions floating around as well as premade ones.

    2. IntoTheSarchasm*

      There are some very recent hacks out there where people are using kinesiology tape to protect their skins/provide a barrier for cheeks and nose. Also second the headbands for the ears. Saw one today that was more of a short connector, about three inches long that is pinned to the back of the head – has buttons on both ends to attach the loops to.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Seems to me like you need something to soothe the skin and something to protect it. What about a cool compress after every shift, maybe a washcloth soaked with water and aloe that you keep in the fridge all day and then drape over your face when you get home and cleaned up? And then a good emollient cream — I swear by Cera-Ve — both before and after your shift?

    4. WS*

      I use Ego QV cream to moisturise before and after each shift but that’s no longer enough in pressure points, so I’ve stuck paper tape on those areas of the mask (rolled around the elastic) to give me a soft barrier between my ears in particular and the mask. It comes off when the mask does. A work friend is using blister block bandaids on the back of her neck and the bridge of her nose, which looks silly when the mask is off, but can’t be seen when the mask is on! Another work friend uses plenty of chapstick.

    6. Courageous cat*

      I believe Monistat still has out there an anti-chafing cream (probably in the pad/tampon section) that a bunch of my friends and I used to use as makeup primer back in the day. It has dimethicone or something in it that makes your skin soooo silky soft and kind of provides a barrier. May be worth a shot.

  87. Tau*

    A light question for once:

    Does anyone have experience with smartwatches? Any that you can recommend which can show notifications from an Android phone and aren’t gigantic?

    I’m starting on-call duty soon, featuring a mandatory response time to alerts that is very short. I have the app on my phone, but I’m not enthused about relying on that because I have a tendency to forget it around the house. I hit on the idea of investing in a smartwatch (should be doable, as I’m getting extra pay for the on-call time) and wearing that whenever I’m on duty.

    My problems are:
    – I am short and female. Most smartwatches I see are as wide if not wider than my wrist. There is no way I could wear them comfortably. Are any of these smaller?
    – whenever I look into features, I end up with this morass of fitness tracking features I have no clue about. “Can attempt to vibrate my bones out of my skin if prod goes down, even if I forgot my phone buried beneath the couch cushions downstairs” doesn’t seem to be one that gets a lot of attention. Is there some special key word I need to look for here? Or can I just take for granted that any Android smartwatch will handle this?
    – I’ve never been interested in fitness tracking, but if I’m buying one anyway it probably makes sense to get a smartwatch that will generate some interesting data I can play with. But what sort of things does it actually make sense to track if you’re not super into this topic?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Mine is not an Android one – I have an iPhone and an Apple Watch – but for size comparisons, I have an almost 6″ wrist and a 40mm watch and have no complaints whatsoever about the sizing.

      At least on my watch, I can set an audible notification on only one specific app – again, not sure if that’s doable on an Android watch, but I would think that it should be?

    2. anon24*

      I have tiny wrists – about 6 1/5 inches around and my wrist bone sticks up very prominently, and I have a gear s3. Its huge, and I thought that wearing it was going to be an issue but… I don’t even notice it? It is the entire width of my wrist, but its actually not even uncomfortable. I was honestly really surprised. I replaced the band with one off of amazon that has holes throughout it so it breathes a little more when I sweat. I love this watch, it’s super customizable with apps and watch faces and through your phone you can set what apps you want to allow notifications through

    3. university minion*

      Skagen watches in general are a good value for the money and have a slim profile. I’ve heard good things about their smart watches but haven’t tried one myself (I love my regular watch, though!)

    4. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Look at Misfit. Works with Android and IOS. They have trackers that are very tiny, not watches, that will tell you about calls and limited notifications. One of them can be worn as a pendant or on the wrist. Come with sport type bands and leather. Very handy and less expensive than most others. The watches they have are larger, but not as huge as some, and I they are made by Fossil, at least that is where the instruct you to send them for service if neeed.

      1. Tau*

        Ooh, thanks for the recommendation! I didn’t mention (because I was resigned to it being impossible) that I actually really like just, you know, normal watches with a battery lifetime of months which I can glance at to check the time. Given that, the Misfit Path looks perfect – basically a nice-looking normal watch with notification capabilities via vibration and some fitness tracking on top.

        1. IntoTheSarchasm*

          Yes, I forgot to mention the convenience of not having to charge them every night. Battery lasts a long time and are pretty common sizes. I have a Command, which is more of a chunky watch, but I have sort of large hands and wrists for a woman and it works OK. I like clunky watches. The misfit app will sync with Fitness Pal and probably some other common apps. Hope it works out!

    5. Jdc*

      I don’t know a lot about this but the Samsung watches are very attractive. Also fossil and Michael khors make some really nice, more watch looking ones as well.

    6. LGC*

      Uh…that’s tough. You might want a fitness band if you just need notifications. Most smartwatches are pretty stonking huge – partly because of technology. Also, with the Apple Watch and a lot of Wear OS watches, you do have to charge them every night – which isn’t something you mentioned, but it is something worth considering.

    7. HamlindigoBlue*

      I really like the look of the Fossil smartwatches for women. They have a few styles to choose from, and the bands are smaller than most smartwatches. That’s what I was looking to upgrade my Gear S2 to until I just recently switched to an iPhone. Now, I’m using the Garmin Vivoactive 3 because their app will sync properly to all of my 3rd party apps (My Fitness Pal, etc.).

      I’ve had a Moto 360 Sport, a Samsung Gear S2, and now the Garmin Vivoactive 3. The Garmin is my favorite because the battery will last me almost a week on a single charge. The others (Fossil also, from what I’ve read) will last one day before needing to be recharged.

    8. Always Sciencing*

      If you’re just interested in notifications I second (third?) the suggestion of a fitness tracker – both smaller and cheaper. The Fitbit Inspire I have would work great for this, for example (and I can confirm that it pairs well with an Android phone).

    9. Count Boochie Flagrante*

      A little late to this — I have a 42mm Samsung smartwatch. It’s great for pushing notifications, and you can turn off most of the pesky fitness tracking stuff (I have!). Overall it’s a nice watch to have and I like it a lot.

      However, I’ve got fairly small wrists, and the 42mm is a bit large on me. Personally, I like having the larger watch face, but you might not.

  88. MissBliss*

    With everything that has been going on, my fiancé and I have had to postpone our wedding. I wasn’t heartbroken over that but he has expensive catastrophe-only insurance through the exchange, and I wanted to get him on my health insurance ASAP. (Also, because I don’t feel like I can admit this out loud to anyone… if something were to happen to either of us, and we weren’t married, I would be heartbroken.) But all the courts are closed until the beginning of May, so we couldn’t get a marriage license. Except I’ve been contacting courts in our state and the county where I grew up still has a single staff person working, and they’ve set up a special appointment to grant us our marriage license. I get to pick it up on Wednesday. I have been crying a lot because I am just so relieved.

    1. D3*

      You may not get the party, but you’ll get the marriage and all that goes with it. That’s something! I’m glad you’ve found a way. I’m sorry your planned and anticipated wedding won’t happen. It’s okay to feel sad about that and happy you can still be married.

      1. MissBliss*

        Thank you, D3. I actually wanted to elope this whole time, but it was important to my fiancé to be able to celebrate with his family. Now, he’s fine with eloping, and I’m worried about our families not being there! Currently the plan is that we will go to my favorite park with our dogs, take photos ourselves and exchange vows, and then meet with our officiant to do the official part. When it becomes safe to gather, we’ll probably end up having a much bigger party than we would have otherwise, because I’ve just been overwhelmed with the amount of love and support we’ve gotten since we’ve needed to postpone our plans. My last wish is that my ailing grandfather makes it to whenever we can have the party. I was already worried about him making it to our original wedding date, and that was without coronavirus. But all I can do right now is focus on the things that are most important.

        1. Anono-me*

          I’m so happy that you’re able to do this. I’m sorry it’s not happening the way you both wanted, but I’m glad that it is happening.

          Is there someone that could come with (and stay quite a ways away or even use a drone) to record your exchange of vows in the park? Maybe you can live stream it for friends and family. ( I am really glad to have a video from our wedding. Much more than expected.)

          1. MissBliss*

            We actually wouldn’t have done vows at our planned wedding (I WILL CRY, and I may not recover, so I did not want to do it in front of people) but I am hoping our officiant will be able to cell phone video tape the “I Do”s to send to our friends and family! I’m thinking we’ll stand on one end of our car and have him stand at the other, so that should ensure proper social distancing.

            1. WellRed*

              If the video is important make sure they can do that. I’m assuming you don’t expect them to use your phone. And congratulations! It sounds lovely.

              1. Anono-me*

                I bet you can find someone on a neighborhood website or Craigslist with a drone. They can record the ceremony with a drone and send email it to you.

                The two of you and the officiant are all going to have to sign the marriage license along with any required Witnesses. Please ask everyone to bring their own pens? When the marriage license is completed, snap a couple photos of the marriage license. (Who knows how long is going to take to get all of the government paperwork filing done.)

    2. Parenthetically*

      Oh goodness, that’s great news. So happy for you! Congratulations and I hope you get to have a huge party when this is all behind us.

      1. MissBliss*

        Thank you so much! The upside to all of this is that we are getting to spend a lot of time together, and a lot of time working on our backyard, which is where our wedding would’ve been and where our party will be whenever it does happen– it’ll just be a nicer venue than we would’ve had otherwise!

    3. Washi*

      Congratulations! Honestly I had the same thought about my now-husband dying before we were able to get married and we weren’t even in a pandemic. Sometimes I get freaked out about him dying and before we were married that spiraled into what if he was really sick and it was his parents not me making decisions, and then what if he died and officially on paper, it was like I was just some other random person in his life instead of his spouse and no one would ever understand how much we meant to each other without being able to say he was my husband…anxiety brain, good times.

      Anyway, I’m very happy for you that you’ve found a way to get married!

      1. MissBliss*

        Thank you so much! It’s definitely anxiety brain, and I have not mentioned it to my SO because I know he will have the same paranoia, but I am just so relieved to know that we can get a license and move forward.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Congratulations!!! Your persistence is so inspiring… I’m impressed at how you got this worked out anyway.
      All the very, very best to you.

  89. nep*

    Anyone familiar with ‘piano for elephants’ videos? I stumbled on this yesterday–hadn’t heard of it. Quite something.

    2. LGC*

      I kept my fridge Corona-free ;) Unfortunately, while I can keep the B/W thread corona-free, I can’t keep it running free.

      Best was finally doing a local hill (in my area, we don’t really have mountains, although it’s called a mountain). It’s awesome, although really tough and technical.

      Worst was finding out another path I was going for a course record on was blocked off. To be fair, it’s a utility company pathway, so I’m not entirely surprised. But I was going to go for it! (It’s roughly a mile, and while it’s slightly uphill, I think I can beat the fastest time.)

    3. Jdc*

      Best: the weather is warming up and I spent the week doing a lot of yard work, power washing the deck and planting.

      Worst: today I went to the store and had a panic attack that about 4 hours later is just calming down. Haven’t had one in a very long time and it was NOT fun.

    4. Diahann Carroll*

      Best: I bought the best detangling brush in the world off Amazon that cut my detangling time down from about 45 minutes (I have a ton of thick, curly/wavy hair) to 5!!! It’s called BESTOOL, and I bought the one in the two pack just in case I broke or lost one. This brush would have been a godsend when I was a kid – I can’t count how many brushes and combs I’ve broken since then. Oh, and the best part is that not only does it only take me 5 minutes to do my entire head, but I have very little shedding when I do it! I used to have multiple handfuls of shed hair in hand after detangling with a wide tooth comb, and now I barely have a few strands. My wash days just got so much easier.

      Worst: I think I pinched a nerve in my neck somehow last Sunday and was in excruciating pain that night and the two days after that. My neck, upper back, and upper chest felt simultaneously tight and hollow and I kept feeling like I had to cough, but nothing came out. I’m feeling better after taking some acetaminophen and putting my heating pad on it, but I had to put a pause on my exercise routine and I’m kind of worried to resume it Monday. I don’t want to risk re-injuring myself, especially when I don’t know how I did it in the first place!

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I just put that brush on the gift list for my niece (both of her little girls have 3c hair). If it helps with the detangling it would reduce so much stress (single working mom). Thanks for the suggestion!

    5. Goodbye Skouby*

      Worst: Taking my kitty Skouby to the rainbow bridge next week; not getting to be with him as he leaves.
      Best: Not sure right now.

    6. Nessun*

      Best: did some retail therapy a few weeks ago and stuff arrived this week! Leggings and tops that are super comfy home wear, and pretty pretty polished rocks that feel good to hold and gaze at. Good feelings all around.

      Worst: sister called to say she was in a bad space and I couldn’t help because were so far apart. But she’s a fighter and she’s better now.

    7. NoLongerYoung*

      Worst: I had my first (in years) feeling of nearly complete burnout this week at you know where. Working from home is not the problem. It is the mental stress – I have some personal things weighing heavy on me, I’m anxious, and so there is zero capacity to cope.

      Best: Wonderful feeling of accomplishment and relief that I got my taxes done and to the accountant. Part of the anxiety was that I may have to pay (complicated, and I did not have the ability to interpret the IRS reg…). I finally decided that I’d rather know sooner than later, if I have to pay, so I can plan. I still have one more lingering life humdinger hanging over me, but this one – done! (Still doing happy dance, and I emailed them off 5 hours ago!)

    8. Jaid*

      Best: Bonfire with my BFF and her S/O and her Mom (we kept 6 feet between us!)

      Worst: With no proper schedule, insomnia is making it’s presence known. You can shut up, brain. Anytime now.

    9. Princess Deviant*

      Oof.
      Worst: having major doubts about the MA I’m doing. And quite a few if my friends forgot my birthday this week.

      Best: I’ve been able to walk further and further on my dodgy hip and knee. It’s not completely pain-free, in fact sometimes its downright agony; but I managed an hour yesterday, which is the most I’ve been able to walk in the last 3 years!

    10. Kiwi with laser beams*

      Worst: my anxiety got bad enough to need to call my therapist again.
      Best: the crazy busy period at you-know-where is over so I’m able to start exercising regularly again. I walked a total of 26.6km this week (all within the rules of you-know-what), longer than a half marathon!

    11. Anon woman with breast cancer*

      Best: seeds planted; walking in loops around a three block area and doing 90 min a day; total walking for week was 48km yay!; And my surgery is Tuesday for the breast cancer yay!
      Worst: dropped and shattered my french press and the next day blew up my stove top coffee maker. Both messes involved a lot of cleanup. I am using a tea strainer now to make coffee. Also worst, it is decaf because caffeine makes chemo hot flashes bad.

    12. coffee cup*

      Best: Learned how to make a cappuccino (at least, an approximation of one) with my cafetiere. It’s made my work days a bit more bearable at home.

      Worst: Didn’t do any of the productive things I’d planned to do during lockdown, like learning something new.

      1. nep*

        Unfortunately for all of us, but fortunately for learning that new skill, you’ve still got plenty of time.

    13. Siberian Kitten Lady*

      Best: FaceTiming with friends across the world
      Worst: Siberian kitten awoke from nap, sat on table where I was studying and snapped at me when I tried to pet him (no breakage of skin but his teeth came millimeters away from my skin).

      How do I deter snapping? I’m worried years from now when he’s 13 lbs+ that a guest will come over and he’ll be in a cranky mood and his snapping will lead to nip-biting.

    14. Voluptuousfire*

      Worst: had 3 elderly relatives (dad, and his sis and brother) in hospital for 3 different reasons. Aunt broke her hip, uncle is not doing well and dad is in rehab in nursing home after being in hospital for 10 days.

      Best: started online therapy and started connecting with cousins due to all the stuff with everyone and it’s helping. I talk to another aunt and another cousin (I have several of each. LOL) every day and it’s been really nice. It’s excellent knowing I have extended family I can count on.

      I also lost 8 lbs in 2.5 weeks due to loss of appetite due to stress. I have the weight to lose, so it’s OK.

    15. willow for now*

      Best: watching three young men playing basketball not one-on-one, but HORSE, all about 10 feet from each other.
      Worst: I got nothin’!

  91. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Best – I connected with a friend that I thought was gone forever. We worked together 2 years ago and he left the company. I missed him terribly. I reached out to him this week on a whim and we got to chatting. We spoke on the phone and he acknowledge that he ghosted me but was going through a lot in those days.

    Worst – everything lol

  92. Rebecca*

    Anyone else feel like we’re living Bon Jovi’s Dead or Alive song? This keeps running through my head.

    Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it’s not for days
    The people I meet always go their separate ways
    Sometimes you tell the day
    By the bottle that you drink
    And times when you’re all alone all you do is think

    So today’s activity involved the following things. Can you guess what I was doing? My neighbor helped, at the social distance prescribed, gloves were worn, and anything handled by both of us (even with gloves) was wiped off with a Clorox wipe.

    *pickup truck
    *ladder
    *fly fishing rod, reel, and line
    *a cotter pin
    *duct tape
    *a stapler
    *thin nylon rope
    *vice grip pliers
    *an extendable tree trimming gadget with a small branch cutter on it

    :) Answer at the bottom of the post

    So my game cam friends pulled a little April fool’s joke on me – pictures ended abruptly around 11:45 PM on April 1. One of the last photos was of a large raccoon going toward the cam. When I took it down today to download the photos, the extension cord was unplugged…and I was disappointed, because –

    A bear took down the bird feeder and pretty much tore apart the metal suet cake holder that I forgot to take in the house last night. I was so hoping to get a picture of Mr. or Mrs. Bruin, but no photos since April 1 when the power was disconnected.

    Which leads to today, the items listed above, and my neighbor. Background, this is the same neighbor I regularly walk with, go on hikes with, fire pit neighbor, etc. We have been meeting outside, staying 6+ feet apart, and now are starting to wear masks. We get groceries for each other, in case one person can’t get something and the other can, exchange outside, gloves, etc. Uber careful. My neighbor brought eggs from our feed mill (they are regularly out at the stores here) and picked up a bin of newspapers to use as mulch in her garden.

    So, I did not discover calculus, but I did reason out a way to restring a 12′ flag pole without climbing all the way up to the pulley. This is wear the list of things comes in. And where my neighbor helped at a safe distance, as she isn’t afraid of heights like I am.

    I backed the pickup truck right up to the flagpole, fetched a ladder, and using the fly fishing rod, reel and line, attached a cotter pin to the line. Ladder was in the bed of the truck, against the pole, which I leaned on, neighbor climbed up a few rungs, used the fly fishing rod to stick the cotter pin through the pulley, loosened the line…and then we got stuck. So I grabbed the extendable tree trimming gadget with a small branch cutter on it, used the duct tape to cover the blade and inside of the branch cutting mechanism, fully extended it, reached up, grabbed the cotter pin by pulling on the rope (like you would to sever a branch), and pulled the fishing line down. So the next step was to tie the line on to the thin nylon rope. I put two staples in it for more stability, and a small ring of duct tape just in case, and pulled the fishing line back the other way, and up went the nylon rope. Success!! Flag pole restrung. Used the vice grips to bend the suet cake holder back into place. Bird feeder and suit feeder back up in the air on the flag clips like I’ve been doing.

    I am just so tickled with myself that I reasoned out how to do this and no one got hurt. Hopefully this will thwart any bear activity. Will let you know in next week’s installment.

    1. Lizabeth*

      Woot! I sincerely wish had been filmed…it would have been awesome to watch! The extent of my wildlife has been glaring at the rabbits in the neighborhood who decimated my front yard last year. No baby bunnies yet but they’re coming….

    2. Pam*

      Congratulations!! I’m sure the bear(s) paid the raccoon to kill the cam- they didn’t want evidence. I doubt if their paw prints are on file with the FBI.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        LOL! I don’t know what’s more amusing: the bears paying the raccoon or the FBI having paw prints on file. Thank you.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Ingenuity – is there saying there (like here)… necessity is the mother of invention?
      I’m so glad you had help. And your neighbor sounds great!!
      and the eggs… sound wonderful. Probably fresh and local.
      I am glad you are having a wonderful weekend…

  93. Jdc*

    We worked in the yard today for a while. For our anniversary my husband bought me peony bulbs. It was a lot of work so now I’m understanding why they are so expensive. Hehe.

    Also got our broccoli in the ground and our planter boxes ready to go. I also planted some wild flowers as we have tons of space and no color.

    I had to run to the store today. Luckily our local grocery is being insanely careful. In one way out the other. Can only walk down an aisle one way and the other the nest aisle.
    But funny thing happened. I was grabbing some ground beef and this man walks up to me and says “oh that’s a good price honey!” Frankly I’m so out of it lately I nearly replied assuming it was my husband before we both realized he was not my husband nor I his wife. He jumped away to social distance (like literally jumped) and then saw his wife a ways over cracking up. He apologized and we all laughed. It was a nice funny moment in all of this. Of course we were trying to avoid being near others but ops it happened. She did later agree it was a great price and they grabbed some. Oh and they had TP! We aren’t out yet nor did I hoard anything let alone TP but are getting close so I have been keeping my eyes open. Woohoo to TP.

    1. Reba*

      Yay TP! got some at Target where it was one per customer. (One pack, not one roll :) )

      Gardening sounds really nice. In a way it is an optimistic activity — work now to enjoy the fruits later.

      1. Jdc*

        Our grocery store ending up having some (also buy one) but Target didn’t. They did have paper towels luckily. We aren’t super tight on money but having to keep more on hand and stock up, having to buy a water filtration system since we can’t drink our tap here and barely can buy water, and some other things have made it so I really can’t afford to spend double just to order offline. Amazon has TP, for triple the price. It’s frustrating that I’m forced to go to numerous stores just to not blow my budget. Of course it isn’t just TP that is pricey online. I can afford to pay for more for Tp but not every item i buy. I tried to do target delivery and others and you can’t even order those difficult to find items because they won’t guarantee availability. So as helpful as those services are it just keeps forcing us to go out. Grr

  94. Teapotcleaner*

    I saw a touching story about an organization on the news. The organization is helping mothers in need with formula, diapers, baby jarred food etc. COVID 19 has put a big stress on social services and more people are turning to get help as the shelves are empty. The organization was on the news and mothers showed up to get help in the footage. I am an essential worker and I have no children of my own therefore I could afford to buy these items. So I did because every shift that I worked in the hospital I had tears in my eyes thinking about these babies with no resources. So I am going to donate the items on Monday. However I have never helped a charity before only people in bed directly. I told a coworker of my plan to donate these items I have bought and he said, “help yourself, stop trying to be a hero”. These words struck me because before I decided to donate I battled with the idea of coming off as a non sincere donor. However my heart knows that this is right. I really want to help. Have you guys ever donated to charity?

    1. Book Lover*

      Yes of course many people donate to charity. And if you are not afraid of being laid off and have an emergency fund it is the right thing to do. Donating goods is fine, often donating money is better as organizations can get better deals (that is especially true for food banks).

      1. Teapotcleaner*

        Thank you so much I am not afraid and I look forward to donating funds soon too. Other people need it more than I.

        1. valentine*

          You might call before buying things. They might want funds instead, to reduce contact, and they might have too much of one thing and not enough of another.

    3. PollyQ*

      Sure, I’ve donated to charities. If it’s a good cause, and a well-run organization, and you can afford it, it’s a great thing to do. And it doesn’t really matter why you’re doing it. The recipients will get the exact same help regardless of your deepest innermost motivations.

      I can’t totally fault your co-worker for being cynical right now — I’m sure all of you in the hospital are under terrible stress. But I also wouldn’t give it any weight, as long as you’re not putting your own well-being at risk.

    4. WS*

      The charity very likely has plans to reduce contamination risk (my local foodbank certainly does) but you can always call ahead and see how they would like to handle the donation. I think you’re a good person to be thinking of others while you’re also under stress.

    5. Asenath*

      A well-run charity will make good use of your donation, so I think giving to one is entirely appropriate. I’ve always been a bit surprised when I meet someone like your co-worker who thinks that only people who are “trying to be a hero” give to charity and that you should help yourself instead. Most people I know give to charity, in cash or in kind, although a lot of them do so privately so no one but close friends and the charity know. I bet a lot of the coworker’s friends do the same. The only caveat is that you should check with the charity in question about the procedures they have for receiving such donations during the quarantine – they may want to receive them in some special way or location.

    6. Reba*

      What? I don’t understand your coworker’s comment at all!

      There is no downside to helping others, if you can swing it. You said it: “my heart knows that this is right.” You’re not giving for your image.

      We have donated money to three food charities in our area (food banks and hot meal provider).

      1. WellRed*

        I don’t understand it either! Helping someone else this way or choosing not to isn’t going to make a difference in saving yourself. I’d argue making the donation will do your soul good so an extra check in the win column.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I have donated money, goods, and time, as I choose to, had the opportunity, and it would help. Your coworker sounds like a grinch. If you want to help others, and you are able to do so, then do so!

      Remember – good done in the name of evil is still good.

    8. Roja*

      Yep, we donate a sizable income percentage every month–lots (most, I’m guessing) of people donate to charities of all kinds! I’m in a financial group on facebook that’s very much like, “don’t donate even a penny, even if you’re extremely well off; keep it all because who knows what will happen,” but to me that’s a very selfish perspective. My husband and I are by no means high earners but we’re in a good place financially. I could never live with myself if I hoarded everything for myself when people are left with nothing. Obviously, that applies to money you can actually spare–if you think you’re likely to not make rent or are otherwise financially insecure, find some other way to help!! But since that’s not the case for you, I think you’re doing a lovely and right thing.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I don’t understand your coworker’s comment at all. It’s not like you were bragging.

      There’s nothing to be afraid of. I assure you, none of those moms and babies care one flying flip about your motives. They need help. Just give.

      1. RagingADHD*

        And yes. I was brought up in a faith tradition where giving to charity is considered an extremely important duty. It is a top-line item in the household budget, non-negotiable.

    10. Kiwi with laser beams*

      “I told a coworker of my plan to donate these items I have bought and he said, “help yourself, stop trying to be a hero”. These words struck me because before I decided to donate I battled with the idea of coming off as a non sincere donor.”

      For what it’s worth, “don’t be a hero” is what my former colleague used to say when I was doing amounts of overtime that are now illegal in the country where my company is based. Only you know the tone your coworker used, but I have seen it used to mean “don’t give so much of yourself that you’re putting yourself in a bad position”.

      In any case, I donate enough money that I get several hundred dollars back in tax, which I then re-donate, and I’ve donated items on a couple of occasions. Charities don’t expect you to meet some magical definition of sincerity. I’ve been outright socially awkward with one of my charities and my money changes lives just as much as everyone else’s.

  95. Jaid*

    My BFF had a bonfire at her Mom’s place. We were spaced around the fire and got food delivered. It was chilly, but the fire was toasty and so beautiful.

    It was nice to get out…my eyes were not used to distance seeing after being inside so long, so it was weird trying to focus on street signs.

    2. Xosanna*

      Are you not in an area that has lockdown? Such a gathering would be illegal where I am, for good reason. People in my street got fined earlier this week for trying to picnic! It’s this sort thing that is going to result in the lockdown going on for a long time. :/

      1. Asenath*

        Legal here, if you have 10 people or less involved and everyone concerned observes distancing getting there, during the event and going home. She does say that they were spaced out around the fire, and ordered food (also still legal here) rather than producing food communally.

        1. Monterey Jaclyn*

          Legal in my state, too. I wish our governor had gone more hard core and banned gatherings rather than the squishy “no more than 10.” My partner and I are self quarantining and have’t seen any other person in weeks, but numerous friends ask if I want to go walk “keeping 6 feet apart” or post photos on boats “spread out”. I just can’t believe that is adequate.

          1. nep*

            +1
            Saw a headline that Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte has ordered police and military to kill anyone defying coronavirus lockdown.

            1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

              A sibling of mine lives in Peru and it’s terrible down there. Men can only go out for essentials on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Women can only go out Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. No one allowed out on Sundays, at all. No one knows what happens if you don’t identify as either gender.

              But I guess that’s still a step up from being shot if you disobey the rules.

          2. Jedi Squirrel*

            I agree. I wish they had been more strict, since so many people seem to think they have an exemption for whatever reason.

      2. Jaid*

        It’s legal in PA.

        It was the four of us. My BFF, her S/O, and her mom (who live on the same property). We were spaced around the fire and did not share food.

        1. Healthcare pro*

          Well, that’s good. The virus can definitely distinguish the difference and won’t infect anyone acting legally. /sarcasm.

        2. OyHiOh*

          A close family member was potentially exposed via a bonfire gathering

          Family member’s spouse is a vet. One of the spouse’s vet techs had a bonfire last weekend. Vet tech has a close family member who tested positive for COVID, but attended the bonfire because “I don’t feel good that sick.” At least three additional positive COVID cases have been contact traced to the vet tech’s family member. Vet tech has continued working despite state shelter in place and despite requirement to quarantine if exposed. So the tech has now potentially exposed an entire vet clinic staff (they are open because they are essential/do quite a lot of large animal/ag work) and worse, the families of the staff, all because of an innocent family bonfire.

          My close family member (spouse of the vet, to keep track of relationships) is immune compromised and has impaired lung function from a bad flu/respiratory illness earlier this winter. Quite frankly, the entire country needs to be in full shelter in place. Social distance and groups smaller than 10 aren’t enough.

          1. Jedi Squirrel*

            Agreed. We really don’t know all the ways that this virus can be transmitted.

            I go out for walks on non-windy days and stay at least fifty feet away from people, which means crossing the street a lot.

            I have also discovered that most Americans have no idea how long six feet actually is.

          2. tangerineRose*

            Screaming silently at people who test positive and still go out and infect people, especially for events that are optional.

    3. Koala dreams*

      Yeah, it’s weird. Today I spend an hour on the balcony, looking at the world outside. My eyes felt relaxed afterwards. I need to go on more walks… A picnic sounds lovely!

    4. Jaid*

      It took me a while to unpack some of my feelings about the judgemental replies here. Last week, someone posted about taking a hike with a buddy and there was not one comment about hanging out together, other than a good for you for getting out.

      Meanwhile, I get called out for sitting around a fire and chatting at a distance. I’m not sure what y’all think happens at a bonfire, but ours is a pull up a chair and stare at the pretty flames for a couple of hours kind. The most activity was poking at the fire to keep the flames going.

      I mean, I understand your concerns, but I live alone with a cat and I’ve been home for about a month, with the exception of grocery shopping. I’ve been using a mask and gloves from the beginning, too.

      Meh, I’m posting this Monday morning, so none of y’all will see it, but yeah. Dumping your fears on me is unwarranted, I think.

  96. Chaordic One*

    Spring is finally here and so are the ants. Little tiny ants. Not a lot of them. Just one by the bathroom sink. Two by the stove. Three by the kitchen sink. I’m not sure what they might be eating or where they might be coming from. I’m going to clean the kitchen again then maybe buy some ant hotels. Anything else I should be doing to get rid of them?

    1. Filosofickle*

      If you are ok with insecticides, the Ortho Home Defense Max is flat out amazing against ants. Spray anywhere you can find them coming in and around edges (doors, windows, baseboards) and they will not come back for months. I only need to spray about once a year.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Don’t use ant baits/hotels unless you’re already finding a lot of ants. Ant baits work by attracting ants, then slowly poisoning them as they take the bait back to the colony, so if all you’re seeing now is a few scouts that haven’t found anything it’s best not to let them find the ant baits and bring the rest of the colony into your house.

      I usually turn off the furnace then spray all the furnace vents as well as around any windows or doors they might be using (this involves letting the spray dry while you’re not in the house and then airing everything out for a while, so I’m hoping to avoid doing this right now when I can’t just go visit someone else for a while). Right now, I’m finding one ant every day or two, so I’m not sure where they’re coming in yet and have been holding off on spraying. (Except for the large group of them coming into the utility room bathroom through the electrical outlet. Those I sprayed. It’s been a few days now, so I should go back in there and clean up the mess.)

      For reducing kitchen pest issues, I recommend keeping all pantry foods in glass canning jars. It seems that ants can’t find their way in past the sealed lids, which helps make dealing with ants less awful. I buy wide mouth jars in a range of sizes from half gallon down to half pint, and it works pretty well for me in terms of keeping ants out of food.

    3. Jdc*

      Yankee Candle eucalyptus jar candle. Burn it until it’s gone. Only that brand. Why? No idea but I’ve been doing this for decades and it works.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When we lived in an old house and got ants every spring, the ONLY thing that worked was Terro Ant Baits. We also sprayed something super strong outside, but I forget what it was called. I had Terros everywhere, including on all the counters. My dog doesn’t get curious about stuff on the ground, but I would be careful if you have pets.

      1. Selmarie*

        This! I already put it out and within 24 hours ants are all gone. We use it every spring.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      We have an actual ant mound in the basement. After years of watching massive swarms in our driveway each spring we probably should have realized they’d find a way inside. So far I’ve used Terro bait stations with good results but we still have some ants, so we’re probably dealing with the tip of a giant colony. The basement is also a giant ant graveyard. I’m struggling right now with the thought of completely eradicating them, so I think I’ll keep up with the terro stations to keep the numbers down inside and leave it at that for now.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      I have a “safe around children and pets” spray for the doorways and window sills, that I have used for several years (spring/ rain is always a problem – I suspect their nests get flooded or something).
      I get it at Home Depot (who may be able to ship)… “EcoLogic Ant & Roach Killer” – apparently made with lemongrass oil.
      It does make the floor a little slick (we have tile by the doors) so I am judicious about the gentle spray of the threshold. But it has also not made my paint peel (I use it on the window sills in the kitchen and bathroom – that side of the house is the area of attack).
      YMMV.

    7. 00ff00Claire*

      Supposedly they don’t like lavender. I put out little sachets of dried lavender, and I also have some lavender scented Dr. Bronner’s soap. I make a dilute solution in a spray bottle, then I spray where they come in (mostly window sill) and that seems to deter them. We also have a pest control service so the exterminator sprayed outside and we used the bait traps inside to try to eradicate the colony. That was last year, so we will see if they come back this year.

      1. Roja*

        Or cinnamon! My MIL gave us that tip, so we sprinkled a ton of cinnamon behind our sink where they were coming in. They went from a flood to the very occasional lone scout.

  97. Raindancer*

    I just finished The Glass Hotel yesterday and LOVED it. The only good thing about this period of isolation is getting lots of reading time!

  98. Seeking Second Childhood*

    So I managed to give my husband a haircut without it being a total disaster.
    He was already due for a haircut last month when “social distancing” hit the world’s vocabulary. It’s not a GOOD haircut, but it’s reasonably even and short enough to keep his hair out of his face.
    Mine will be the next problem.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Its unfortunately a lot easier to cut someone else’s hair than your own. I’ve been cutting my husband’s hair for a couple years now so we’re set! The more often you do it, the easier it gets, and good scissors help.

    2. OyHiOh*

      I’ve been cutting mine for years but I have an asymmetrical cut that’s pretty simple to maintain.

      And I’ve recently learned to trim my daughters’ bobs. Figuring out how make my son not look like a shaggy dog was more challenging. Turns out a “pixie” cut works well for him.

    3. Parenthetically*

      My challenge is going to be cutting my son’s hair! I’ve been cutting my husband’s since a few months after we got married when we realized how silly it was to pay $20 for someone else to run a set of clippers over his head, but my son has such beautiful hair that I don’t want to ruin it. Luckily we got it cut about a week before the shops were all closed, but he’s definitely going to need another cut before late June!

  99. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Does anyone have any good tips for relieving UPPER back pain?
    My wife has dealt with lower back pain successfully many times, but this morning she woke up with wrenching pain in her upper back, and we’re at a loss.
    Thanks in advance.

    1. Jdc*

      I get it often. Heating pad and Advil mostly as well as I have the lie really flat to take pressure off where it hurts.

    2. fposte*

      Ha. As we speak. Videomeetings have killed me. Enthusiastic second to the heating pad and any other kind of heat you can bring to bear–showers, bath submersion if you can work out the logistics. Sorting out the ergonomics if they’re a cause.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      If you have a tennis ball lying around, some gentle trigger point therapy might be helpful. You can put it in a long sock and use a wall to apply gentle pressure to wherever you feel a good sort of hurt. The blog Pain Science has some good information.

      Also look on You Tube for the Bob & Brad physical therapy channel. They have good advice and are funny in a low-key Midwestern sort of way. By coincidence, they just posted a video on back spasms. Looks like your wife isn’t alone in her pain.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If you have an exercise ball, try lying with your torso over it, wrapping your arms around it as far as you can, and hugging it.

      Then try placing your forearms on the ball and slowly rolling it away from your body as far as you can. Try to feel the movement in your upper arms and back, rather than in your abs.

      (I am not a med pro or a physical trainer. This is just based on what my PT told me to do when my back was aching.)

    5. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Many thanks. The heating pad and laying flat for a while seems to have really helped, and we’ll try the other suggestions if needed, too.

    7. Analyst Editor*

      If it’s a muscle knot/sitting too long at the computer type o pain, a thing that helps me is laying on something that puts pressure on the spot for a few minutes – a tennis ball or a hairbrush.

    8. Trixie*

      You might also check for yoga or stretches for upper back/neck on Youtube. It may be not be caused by sitting but I’m seeing lots of great suggestions for folks who are sitting more than usual while working from home. (And not taking many breaks to move around.) In addition to Bob & Brad, I also like AskDoctorJo and with Yoga with Olga.
      In addition to lay flat as Jdc mentions, I love laying on a raised service like a pillow, bolster, or rolled up blanket. Both along the length of the spine and cross wise just below the shoulder blades/armpit area.
      Hope she feels better soon.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I second this. I carry so much stress in my shoulders and upper back, so I look for yoga routines that are specific to those areas. Yoga with Adrienne is my go-to and she has a few back and shoulder routines of varying lengths that aren’t too strenuous but really help with stretching out the areas.

        I also use a yoga ball sometimes but lay on my back on it to gently stretch out my chest as a kind of counter stretch.

    9. willow for now*

      I use a hard foam roller with good effect, I roll back and forth on it only a few times (don’t overdo it!), keeping my abs strong, and I can hear and feel the cracking as things let loose.

  100. coffee cup*

    I have a small house plant collection now and I’m surprised at how much I’m enjoying it. I don’t have a garden or balcony so they all live on the windowsill, and my living room window gets lots of light in the afternoon so in the summer especially they like it there.

    I’ve historically thought I’m terrible with plants. But maybe these ones are hard to kill, hah. I have a spider plant, a kind of small thing that looks like a mini-yucca (don’t know what it is), and a philodendron, which is starting to grow all over the place. I also have a bigger ficus that needs to be repotted.

    What else can I get to put on a windowsill that isn’t too easy to kill? I really like the leaf shapes of the ones I have and they have been cheering me up during this time (I live alone, can you tell?!). I tried a tomato plant once but it grew very tall without producing any tomatoes, and then it died. I’m not sure if growing things is possible in this location but I’d love to get better at that. Or have something that flowers, although again I don’t know enough about good options.

    1. Ellie Mayhem*

      Succulents are easy to care for and like sun. Make sure you don’t overwater and you’re good to go. I especially love jade plants and “fat” plants like ponytail palms and desert rose.

      If you repot your ficus, beware that it may suddenly drop a lot of leaves. They hate change.

      1. Recreational Moderation*

        Definite +1 on the succulents—jade plants, burro tails, string of pearls are all beautiful, tough, and friendly—and you’re right about overwatering being the main danger.
        In the non-succulent line, for a long time I had a rabbit’s-foot fern hanging in my shower; it loved that environment.

    3. Reba*

      I’ve got croton (colors!) and schefflera doing well in a west facing windowsill.

      Have quite a few succulents and a euphorbia tri waiting to go out on the patio — these don’t truly thrive inside for me, even in the west window. The light is just too short in the winter, and they just kindof hang on until they can get more sunshine. Succulents are generally easy to care for, but many varieties really need much more light than most people can give inside. There are some that do well in bright shade or indirect light though, so a little research may turn up some good options. I’ve ordered plants from Mountain Crest Gardens before and they have a whole section of house and indoor succulents.

      In indirect light I’ve got marantha (so pretty) and a massive spathiphyllum (divided it last year and all are doing well). It’s truly indestructible! Pothos and epiphyllum are very slow growing for me, but looking good otherwise.

    4. Ranon*

      Spider plants are also super easy to propagate, you could grow your own little spider plant jungle.

      I find propagating plants very satisfying, it’s such a great creating something from nothing kind of thing

    5. Grace*

      My Dracaena marginata (is that your mini-yucca? if not, I recommend them) does very well with being neglected. I got her while I was still a student, so she was abandoned in my room for three months while I was back at my parents’ over the summer, and she was doing just fine when I got back. Now I’m working from home, she lives on my desk next to the window. (Yes, I personify plants.) I killed my succulents through a poor grasp on the passing of time and accidental overwatering, though, which is a shame.

      Other than that, I definitely suggest herbs! Basil is a classic, but something woody like thyme or rosemary gives off a beautiful scent if you just brush past it, and you can rub the leaves between your fingers to smell them without damaging the plant. DIY essential oils for relaxing at a fraction of the price.

    6. Red Sky*

      I’ve had good luck with pothos and zz plant. I’ve also heard the snake plant is hard to kill, but haven’t had one yet. I’m really impressed you’re philodendron is thriving! I’ve had trouble figuring out how much water to give them and usually wind up overwatering.

      1. Ellie Mayhem*

        Yes, the zz plant and snake plant are very easy to care for and look lush and beautiful.

    7. Jedi Squirrel*

      If you have plenty of sunlight, cacti are easy to grow. You can even grow them from seed.

    8. Anonnington*

      Where you get the plant makes a difference. Look for organic, non-gmo seeds or seedlings. Or at least ones from a good greenhouse. Avoid plants from the major hardware stores (Home Depot, Lowe’s). They tend to look nice at first but not live very long.

      A lot of plants can do pretty well indoors. I try whatever you feel like growing and see how it does.

  101. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I bought Passover food this morning, and I feel so weird about this year’s holiday. I will be “attending” Zoom seders and we’ve done “just us” before, but this year… I usually shop for Passover as I need things, but of course I can’t do that this year and the “what did I forget” is making me extra anxious. Also, all of the extra things I have to do, like thorough cleaning and setting up a seder plate are just getting to me.

    I am trying to get used to this. I plan to take a few hours off on Wednesday to get ready. I’m going to wear a new dress. We got K for P wine in our monthly delivery and I ordered some soups and salads to be delivered.

    Anyone else feeling strange about the big upcoming holidays?

    1. Ellie Mayhem*

      Yes, very. Easter is my favorite holiday and I’m so sad we can’t celebrate it by being together. It’s also the first major holiday since my MIL died so that’s weighing heavily too.

    2. Overeducated*

      Yes. An Easter without church and family is going to be so strange. I know i need to think about how to make it special for my kid but i haven’t started prepping at all so with runs on stores it could be to late.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Can you get your kid involved in maybe drawing cute Easter pictures for friends and family? You could take photos of the pictures and e-mail them to people.

    3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I feel really strange about Passover. I’m going to deliver soup and a Passover-appropriate dessert treat to my parents, leave it at their doorstep, and maybe talk to them for a few minutes from outside their door, 10+ feet away. For their part, my parents (who are both in a high risk group for COVID) are totally fine with this, but the holidays are always a big deal in my family (just to get everyone together, not for the actual religious part) and I think this is going to be very strange.

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Yeah. My dad and I always do egg hunts for each other, so I started buying stuff for his Easter basket back in February when things first started showing up in the stores just after Valentines Day. (He likes dark chocolate more than milk chocolate, so I have to get to places with good selections early on to make sure I get a dark chocolate bunny for him and some dark chocolate eggs and such.)

      I have everything already purchased for my half of our usual Easter. I have no idea if he does, and I don’t want to ask him since I REALLY don’t want him to go out shopping just to buy me Easter candy. I’m fine delaying the egg hunt until things are safer, even if that’s months, but how long should I keep all of this candy for him? It’s taken over one of my vegetable crisper drawers in my fridge, and I would like to eventually use that for vegetables instead.

    5. Laura H.*

      First holiday since we moved about 23 years ago that we aren’t celebrating Easter with my grandma.

      Still gonna make it specialish by having a restaurant prepared casserole (my buy) for the actual dinner (that was my proposal, but nothing is quite set yet.)

    6. Bluebell*

      I was wondering if someone would ask about this. I’ve decided not to change out dishes for Passover this year- the first time since 1996! We are being much less strict, but I’m still doing moderate cleaning and we’ve ordered some K for P food. Night one is a ZSeder with our synagogue and night two is a ZSeder with family. It all feels very weird but it will be memorable!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        The cleaning thing! We moved here in June so it would have been different anyway, but my vague plans are so thrown. We have never been very strict, but at our last place we had a shed so I at least put all the chametz out of the house. This year we have a communal storage room and I don’t feel right about using it for my chametz. So I just reorganized my pantry.

        Since we moved from the south to DC, the K for P food options are much more plentiful. I had been looking so forward to going out once or twice like we used to do in NYC, but… no.

        1. Bluebell*

          I used to have a multiweek spreadsheet for using up the food and cleaning. Not so much this year! But I’ll tackle the fridge tomorrow (I’m not working but spouse is working from home) and the pantry and counters on Tues. we will do hametz search on Tues night. Leftover pasta and any flour are going down to the basement.

  102. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Have you picked up any good habits being in quarantine? If so, which ones will you try to adopt after this is all over?

    1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I have been dedicating time every day to my creative writing, which is long overdue. But I sure hope my abominable sleep habits of late don’t carry over.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          Well, I never said that what I was writing was *good*, so I very well might be doing that. :-)

    2. Reba*

      Getting more sleep!!

      Gonna try to cultivate more tidiness, we shall see.

      What about you, Potatoes?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Hard to say. I’ve saved some money since my desire to shop is gone now but not sure if it’s due to stress/anxiety/no income. I haven’t spent any money on eating out or getting coffee either. I could adopt these and keep them a consistent habit.

        I am enjoying sleeping in but I’m scared it’ll be that much harder to get used to it when things get back to “normal.”

        1. Reba*

          Oh, my *desire* to shop has increased in some quarters… my capacity to shop is contracting. :/

    3. Alex*

      I’m eating a lot fewer treats–mostly because the majority of treats I eat are eaten at the office.

      I *am* going to bake a cake today, but it’s not the same as downing candy, chips, and whatever else appears in the office around 3 in the afternoon.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        same, not eating as many desserts as I used to at work. family at home is strict so I avoid having too much at home or very limited (like, 1 oreo cookie a day or 4 chocolate almonds instead of half a dozen or hal fa package I normally would have)

    4. GoryDetails*

      Re good habits: I hope to maintain some of the “don’t touch my face so much” habits I’ve been acquiring, along with the more comprehensive hand-washing routines I’ve picked up. Not that I was bad about hand-washing before, but the new awareness has made me more thorough and more thoughtful. Basic changes like that may help cut down on the frequency of ordinary colds and flu in future.

      Habits I really want to acquire but have not started on yet: more planning, from food/pantry/freezer/shopping to emergency information and preparation. Here’s an idea: maybe I should start on that right now {wry grin}…

    5. OyHiOh*

      Way fewer snacks . . . . . on the downside, I’m walking a lot less so, not happy about overall fitness at the moment

      1. OyHiOh*

        Realizing that I should probably elaborate a little: I have a autoimmune condition called POTS. Both cardiovascular and weight bearing exercise play important roles in treatment and maintenance of the condition, mainly by keeping blood pressure up and by improving tolerance to sudden changes from sitting to standing.

        Fortunately, our shelter in place does allow for outdoor activity (wear a mask if you’ll be around other people, maintain social distance) and body weight movements like squats and push ups do help to a certain extent but it’s not enough/the same for me and I can definitely tell my symptoms are worse compared to a few weeks ago.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I managed to phase out drinking coffee. Since I can’t easily buy or make more coffee during my regular work day, I’d gotten in the habit of making an entire pot in the morning and pouring it into travel mugs “just in case” I needed more coffee later. Then, of course, since I had it I’d drink it.

      Now that I’m home, I can sleep in a bit later, take a short nap if I need one, and get up and get a drink of something other than coffee if my mouth is bored with water (I don’t drink soda, so my secondary beverage choices are milk, orange juice, tea, and beer, none of which are practical to have on hand “just in case” at work but three of which are fine to drink while working from home), so I phased out making coffee in the morning a couple of weeks ago. Some mornings I have a cup of caffeinated tea, but most mornings I don’t.

      I’m not sure if that’s why my anxiety level is down or if I just really like not leaving the house, but I suspect cutting out the coffee helped since I was up to a pot or more a day. We’ll see how long I can keep it up once I have to work from the office again someday.

      I’m also doing better with exercise. I’ve been walking in the house while reading ebooks so that I don’t have to put on Real Pants and walk outside, and as long as I make the print bigger I can read fine while walking. Since I’m the kind of person who gets lost in a book and wants to read one more chapter, this has made it easier to walk more each day.

      1. Jdc*

        I would count less caffeine as a big help with anxiety. I’ve read it helps and once I cut down it made some difference.

    7. COVID-19 Talk*

      I’ve been trying for years to start cooking more and stop ordering take-out. Well, thanks to having nothing more exciting to do and due to my distrust of eating out now, I’ve been cooking tons more. I’ve gotten so comfortable with it that I think I will permanently no longer really eat take-out.

      1. OyHiOh*

        My gentleman friend has been really cautious about leaving the house for anything. He’s been wanting a specific fast food sandwich for a week so last night, he reported “risking my life” to drive thru and get that sandwich. Said he got home, had 3 bites of sandwich and 4 fries, and threw the rest out. “YUCK” It’s amazing how fast taste and perception change!

        1. Jdc*

          It’s amazing how once you start eating healthier unhealthy foods suddenly can gross you out. I did have said chicken sandwich the other day. Then I after reading the calorie content. And it’s ruined for me.

        2. COVID-19 Talk*

          My taste in food changed significantly since moving out of Florida, where the idea of gourmet dining is Red Lobster, to a city with amazing local, farm-to-table type restaurants. I stopped eating at a lot of chains and definitely eat a lot healther as I’ve gotten older. But…I still have a soft spot for some trashy fast food places and junk food (Wendy’s, Krispy Kreme). Can’t take Florida out of a girl, I guess.

          My main reason for not wanting to order take-out here is because it is insanely expensive. Throwing away $10 several times a week on delivery fees is financial self-destruction.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        When I was working in the office, I tried so many times to meal prep but I just can’t eat stuff after a day or so and very few things stay well in meal prep (mostly carb-heavy stuff). I truly enjoyed cooking before I began working full time. I’m looking forward to doing that now. I haven’t had much food cravings.

        1. Oxford Comma*

          I try to go out early in the morning or at odd points during the day. Luckily I live in a neighborhood where it’s not terribly dense outside. If I see someone coming, I just cross the street. Usually they do this themselves.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        We’ve been going for walks as a family on the weekend and as a break from work/school during the week. I usually have lunchtime meetings so I can’t always go, but husband and kids have gone every day for 3 weeks now. We’ve been going to different points along this 30 mile walking trail near us so it’s not always the same stretch. There’s about the usual amount of walkers, joggers, and bikers too, although more of them wearing masks than in previous months.

    10. willow for now*

      Going outside for a walk every day, and checking my mail every day. (Although it is a bit depressing when there is nothing in my mailbox for days on end.)

  103. Emw*

    Has anyone started a panic garden yet. I garden every year, and I see that people are buying seeds like madmen now

  104. Chocolate Teapot*

    Argh! With impeccable timing, my washing machine has decided to break down. Of course, all the shops selling washing machines are shut, and I am not sure if there are any repair technicians available.

    So it looks like using the bathtub and an old wooden spoon to create a spin cycle for the foreseeable future.

      1. Reba*

        Ok, that made me laugh.

        Chocolate Teapot, ugh sorry that happened! It would really be stressing my out if I were in your position. I hope you get something worked out.

        In my town there are wash and fold services that will pick up and deliver — no idea if they’d still be going in These Times, though.

    4. Amey*

      Are you in the UK? I’m guessing by the use of laundrette. If so, I think AO are still selling and delivering appliances – I’ve had lots of appliances from them in the past and they’ve been very good.

      1. SarahKay*

        If you are in the UK then Curry’s on-line is still available; my dad just ordered a replacement freezer.

    5. Disco Janet*

      Same! We were able to figure out the issue on our own and ordered the part, but it’s going to take a while to arrive. Ended up breaking quarantine and going to my mom’s house because the kids were out of clean underwear. Neither she nor I have set foot in public in three weeks though and have been disinfecting groceries as best we can, so fingers crossed that was an okay thing to do.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        It’s more the rinsing and wringing out that’s going to be a problem. I looked at tabletop/camping washing machines and they all seem to be out of stock, so, bathtub/bucket and wooden spoon it is.

        Still, when this is all over, I will buy a nice new machine.

  105. Might be Spam*

    Good news to share. My daughter put her house on the market on Friday and got 7 offers all at or over the asking price by Saturday.

      1. Might be Spam*

        She lives in Milwaukee. And they just accepted an offer for $20,000 over the asking price. Yes, $20,000 is not a typo. They had 17 offers.
        Just WOW!

    2. Pennalynn Lott*

      Wow. I’m in Dallas and my ex-Bf is closing on a house. When our county-wide “shelter-in-place” directives when out, the authorities nixed home buyers being able to tour houses. Which has effectively shut down home sales. Ex-BF toured the house and had all the inspections and whatnot done pre-lockdown, so at least his process can move forward.

      Which is to say, I’m curious if those 7 offers were from people who had all walked through your daughter’s house between Friday and now?

  106. Tomato Frog*

    Does anyone know those Peg Bracken books from the 60s, the I Hate to Cook Book and the I Hate to Housekeep Book? Where she gives tips and tricks for doing as little work as possible? I want one for gardening.

    I bought a house last year and now I want to get started on my vegetable garden. I actually really like to garden, but I’ve only done it on a small scale, in garden beds that existed before I got there. I like to dig holes, put seeds in those holes, occasionally put water on the seeds, and then perhaps I will pull some weeds and kill some bad bugs while I wait for the plants to get big enough for me to eat them.

    Every time I search for gardening advice, it’s all best practices and smart planning and how to get the most out of your garden. Start preparing my garden bed in the fall? Great, let me get my time machine. Mulch? I didn’t rake all the dead leaves last year, that is like mulch, right? Start seeds inside? Why would I do that, that just means planting twice instead of once.

    Please world stop telling me the best thing I can do, or all the stuff I should’ve done, and just tell me the bare minimum I can do and still have an edible beet or tomato. Thank you.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I always like Mel Bartholomew’s Square Foot Gardening. It does really let you focus on just one square foot at a time. There’s a website, but I haven’t looked at it so can’t recommend it/not recommend it.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      If you’re starting from lawn, not even a garden plot, you have two options that are easier to make (and undo) than roto tilling a plot. One is to get a box garden kit, and the second is to do a lasagne (layered) garden where you pile up compostables and plant your plants on top. If you’ve already got a garden, you’re fine. Put the plants or seeds in the ground and let them grow. You could mix in some compost or veggie fertilizer. Let someone else start seeds and buy seedlings from the garden center or gardening club. It’s expensive, but still cheaper than buying the veggies from the store. Or do a mix of seeds and seedlings. And you can also try all those tricks for rooting onions, celery and lettuce.

    3. fposte*

      To add what others have said, there really are some plants that don’t do well started outside. Don’t waste your energy arguing with the garden—buy tomato plants instead of seeds. However, yer beets will grow just fine seeded directly outside.

      The minimum you could get away with depends to some extent on where you are. I’ve got rich Midwestern soil so I could skip fertilizer if I wanted; in an existing garden bed, I could could probably get by with just the weeding you describe, the watering you describe, and maybe some thinning of seeded plants. (Also beware of tomato-eating critters.)

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      I am no gardener, but you brightened my day with the mention of Peg Bracken. I always loved her saying that she would rather wrap her hands around a martini than a wet flounder! A badly needed chuckle today – thank you, Tomato Frog!

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          Yeah, we need more mentions of Peg Bracken generally. I might add that to the list of little things I want to do daily to hold it together through all this. Cheers to you! :)

    5. Pam*

      I remember a garden column several years ago that experimented with sticking plants in bags of potting soil- just cutting holes in the bag and sticking tomato Plants in. They grew just fine.

    6. RagingADHD*

      Best insight I’ve learned – find old people who garden in your area, and grow what they grow.

      Which plants are easy is incredibly specific to your region. Here, tomatoes volunteer in the yard or compost bin like weeds. They are extremely vigorous, and the volunteers bear much better than anything I ever babied from starting in the house.

      Spinach, on the other hand, which is supposed to be easy & reliable elsewhere, is finicky here with a very short season.

      Check your local cooperative extension service, drive around & look at neighbors’ gardens, and don’t copy the ones with big houses or fancy garden beds. Copy what old or broke people are growing – they aren’t fussing over vanity crops.

  107. Wandering*

    A quick look on line brought up this website, that looks straightforward without assuming much knowledge. Flowers and veggies.
    https:// http://www.bhg.com /gardening/yard/garden-care/ten-steps-to-beginning-a-garden/

  108. KR*

    Spouse is in the military and under normal circumstances has to get a haircut every week. There are haircut places locally and on the base we live at. It doesn’t matter if his hair is in regulations – he is expected to have a fresh haircut every week, no exceptions. In light of the pandemic, he is no longer allowed to go off base for non essentials. We have a small Walmart type store on base and a grocery store and a hospital, so this has not been difficult (yet annoying as we are people who would love to drive out to the middle of nowhere and socially isolate in nature but must do it within the confines of this base). They recently announced that haircut rules were relaxed to once every two weeks instead of once a week, and even more recently announced they are closing on base barbershops who didn’t have appropriate PPE or sanitizer… But haven’t announced that haircut standards are relaxed. So instead of going to on base barbershops, service members are going to off base barbershops or getting together to get haircuts from their friends who are certainly not following cleanliness standards a professional place would have. It’s so nonsensical. Haircuts are decidedly not essential and spouse already has pretty short hair, it’s just not a “fresh haircut”. But spouse doesn’t want to be in trouble so he’s venturing out into the world today to find a haircut as will countless others. The military police are enforcing social distancing on base and ticketing people who don’t comply, closing schools and restaurants and limiting who can go on and off base to essential employees, but no one will pull the trigger and say “You don’t need to get a haircut until this is over”. This is your military, US friends. Ugh.

    1. Jdc*

      Ugh. As soon as my husband retired after 22 years in the Air Force he grew his hair and beard out, just because he could. He does say how nice it is to not get a cut every week now. That man has more hair than any human ever though so still requires upkeep. It’s ridiculous they aren’t relaxing this rule right now. I understand for some the hair needs to be gone to wear proper equipment but if that’s not a factor for him currently they should let it go.

      1. Enough*

        My son attended Catholic schools and grew a beard as soon as he went to college and hasn’t been clean shaven since (17 years). I just wish he would keep it trimmed shorter but he decided a few years ago to let it go.

        1. Jdc*

          I love my husbands beard but it has to be trimmed. He has gorgeous salt and pepper hair and I think it’s very attractive. I’ll tug on it if it gets too long and he knows that means time to trim.

      2. KR*

        We have clippers but it has to be a “fade” haircut and I am…. Bad at it. We’re working on it.

        1. willow for now*

          I love love love watching the people at my salon give fades. They start out with a really nasty looking bowl cut and just keep working it until it ends up in a lovely fade. It’s like sorcery to me!

    3. spouse of retired military*

      UGH is right. I hope that gets leaked to your local newspaper. (FYI spouse has kept his military haircut since retiring and is now making noises that maybe I could use the clippers and do it? Ummm, no, I’ll trim the back of the neck and above the ears but I am sure that I won’t do what he wants with that #2 blade.)

  109. Trixie*

    I have a small, small front porch and am looking at bamboo blinds to recreate from privacy while protecting plants from all day sun. I had no idea cordless blinds were such popular, or easier to purchase. I live in NC and with the humidity, I planned to apply an anti fungal spray/treatment to slow down mold.
    I’m also thinking of water baths for birds and bees. I’ll play around with location once I see what the “traffic” is and if it includes wasps and such.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Bee baths need to have such little water that it would be hard for mosquito larvae to develop in them.

        As for birdbaths, as long as you change the water out daily then no skeeters. Or get one with a solar-powered “bubbler”.

  110. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    I’m really sad about Passover this year. My family is doing a virtual Seder, but it’s not the same. I live alone and far away from my family. Every virtual resource, or even food resource, implies you need a pound of charroset. I just need a little bit to make Seder. I don’t need a full box of matzo for one person. I was supposed to fly to my parents for the week so I wouldn’t have to change over my apartment, and I’ve decided it’s too hard for me to keep Passover at all so I’ll be eating bread and chametz. I’m only going outside to buy essentials and getting items for my own seder plate is not essential right now. I don’t want to track down a shankbone.

    This is the first time I’ve ever skipped Passover, and it’s hitting me hard. I’ve “skipped” high holidays by babysitting at synagogue instead, and it hasn’t felt like this. Anyone else alone and facing it this way?

    1. OyHiOh*

      I’m not sure what we’re even going to do.

      Dragons and I live under very much less than ideal circumstances. I’m a convert, so I don’t have blood family that I can Zoom with. I do have some honorary Jewish family by choice that I might try to connect with virtually but . . . just not feeling it.

    2. Purt's Peas*

      I live with my husband, and still feel this way. Both our family’s Seders are large and boisterous. I’m also doing virtual Seders, and not keeping Passover–I have so much chametz in my pantry and I can’t double-stock-up on K for P food. I’m really grieving the loss of the Seder.

      My sibling in New York is recover(ing)(ed) after a long, non-hospitalized bout of COVID, and the rest of us are just sheltering, so we’re ok in the scheme of things. I know there have been stranger and sadder Pesachs. But it’s hitting me really hard.

      I think it’ll be tough for me this year to celebrate liberation and it’ll be uhhh pretty meaningful to spill wine for the plagues. And I’ll really, really, really, really miss my family. But…I’m trying to remember that it’s not just celebration and “we did it”, and it’s not just about oppression. It’s about looking back at the struggles we’ve been through and looking through to the end of our current struggles. Next year in Jerusalem.

    3. Bluebell*

      I wrote about this On another thread. I have done much less this year for Passover, even though we are only a household of three. This also reminds me of when my mother-in-law had a massive stroke two days before Passover, and all of a sudden our plans changed. We ended up having the most improvised Seder ever. I made charoset with a few apricots and an apple. But it all turned out OK. Hoping everyone has a meaningful Passover – it certainly won’t be forgettable!

  111. Letter to myself*

    I posted the letter to myself last week. I apologize for not responding back. The responses were very nice and I’m glad to answer questions today.

    I’m healthier emotionally. Probably not as physically but I have a better handle on my emotions. I’m more secure with myself, and less willing to tolerate bad behavior from anyone. 

    Marriage – Looking back, I’d say 2012 was the worst year of my life for many reasons. I struggled with getting a job, and my spouse and I were on the brink of breaking up. We eventually separated for 6 months and reconciled at the end of that period. We had a serious heart to heart, which was painful at the time, but it got a lot of things out in the open that had been bubbling under the surface. We now have children and are going strong. 
     
    I read this in last week’s thread and it resonated with me – “not small potatoes but other potatoes” and it captures everything perfectly. It took me a few years to realize, that yes, my issues were valid and I was every bit of deserving as care as the next person. It took me a while to understand that just because someone was suffering from cancer or poverty, didn’t mean that my having suicidal thoughts living in the first world was any less serious. Prior to that letter, I had been through a rough period and confided in a friend who later said I was an attention whore and accused me of making up all my problems. I carried that with me for a long time. 

    I did learn from my older friends. Sometimes the solution is simple, and I hated it but looking back I can say it was right. I used to joke that “if I can get a job, get a car and lose weight all my troubles would go away” but I’d hate when anyone else seriously gave me that advice. But long story short, getting a job did help with a lot of my issues.

    At the risk of talking too much about work in the weekend thread, work was a huge source of frustration. I had a few more setbacks, but I did eventually get a job (nearly 3 years later!) and it occupied my time, gave me a sense of routine, boosted my confidence and helped me become financially secure.

    Using people as an emotional crutch – I learned over the years that not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime. And that’s OK. The people I was close to then, I barely speak to and I made some other friends that have a very valuable place in my life. I no longer take it as a personal slight when contact is reduced.
     
    So….that’s that. The things I struggled with at that time eventually worked themselves out (with hard work and luck). Life hasn’t been a bed of roses, there have been other struggles, but I would never trade that experience for anything.  

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have very strong feelings about the label or variant of “attention seeking”, here stated as “attention whore”. ugh.

      It’s a fast and reliable way to get one’s self off the hook for, you know, thinking/caring/etc. If I say someone is attention seeking, phew! I am done here, I have labeled them/their behavior and I can move on to the Next Thing. Reality is just because *I* don’t understand what is wrong, is not the same as saying there is nothing wrong.

      Growing up, adults often used this with kids, myself included. I learned my lessons from that one. I tend to think of these people now as “shallow thinkers”. I guess I have become a label maker- ugh. Hopefully at some point we (society) can move away from that catch-all expression, “attention seeking” and learn to see what the next layer of the storyline might be.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I hate attention whore/attention hoe so much – not only is it rude, it’s very gendered and misogynistic. It’s only ever directed towards women.

  112. Jessen*

    Having a lot of old mental health stuff pop up and not really sure where to turn.

    A significant part of my problem now is how much mental health problems were exacerbated historically by mental health care. A lot of it was just the problem that I’d get misdiagnosed and then get inappropriate or even harmful treatment based on the diagnosis I got. And there was a whole lot of pressure on me to fix my beliefs and ways of thinking (that were supposedly stemming from my mental illness) to fit with what I’d been diagnosed with. In retrospect there were some pretty severe cases of cause and effect being flipped, to the point where I was being encouraged by therapy to ignore major real-life issues or act in very counterproductive ways. It was honestly a pretty terrifying experience and it was very consistent across a large number of professionals.

    The problem is now I don’t know where to get real help. I’ve tried mentioning stuff to therapists before, but I feel like there’s such intense pressure to deny what happened, or to palm it off on a few bad apples. I haven’t been able to find any real, substantive answers on how therapy is supposed to make sure that it’s actually not harming an individual client, especially in the face of it often being expected to feel worse for a while. I’ve gotten a lot of reassurances that that’s not how therapy is supposed to work, but no actual discussion of how it is supposed to work in a way that guards against that.

    And I’ve often felt like I have to spend a lot of time and energy defending that what happened was real and I wasn’t somehow doing therapy wrong or seeing wildly unethical therapists. Most especially with therapists I feel like I have to defend myself and manage their feelings so they don’t feel attacked or challenged by my story! I definitely need help, but right now I need some serious information and discussion on how we keep people safe in therapy, that doesn’t focus just on therapists being unethical. And I have no idea where to find that or if it even exists.

    1. JediSquirrel*

      Ugh. I’m sorry you experienced this.

      I don’t really have any advice. I’ve been in need of therapy myself for a while and just don’t know how to do this either. I asked a few weekends ago and did get some wonderful advice. If I have time tomorrow, I’ll try to find that thread.

      I do believe that doctors should be helpful, and if you feel like you’re not getting helped, it’s okay to move on. It’s not a life-long commitment/relationship. Like cars, it helps to test drive a few before you settle on one.

      1. Jessen*

        The trouble I had was that the way therapy was working…it had a way of making me feel like I was getting helped without actually helping. Not even really a positive feeling, just some sort of way of undoing all my self esteem and sense of reality and telling me that was progress. Convincing me that if I wasn’t getting better than it must be because I wasn’t trying hard enough or didn’t want to get better. That was very very consistent across maybe a half-dozen different therapists. And it’s something I’ve not seen in my adult life anywhere else.

        I really don’t think the therapists I saw were especially incompetent or in any way malicious. That’s what gets me. But it’s clear at the same time the effects of therapy on me were like the effects of being trapped in an abusive relationship. And no one seems to really know what to say to that.

        1. Misty*

          “Just some sort of way of undoing all my self esteem and sense of reality and telling me that was progress. Convincing me that if I wasn’t getting better than it must be because I wasn’t trying hard enough or didn’t want to get better.”

          I have seen twelve different therapists from the time I was 15 until now (I’m 26 now) and I had a couple of therapists where I felt like this. In my case, I was being misdiagnosed because I have PTSD but sometimes PTSD can look like other things (OCD, anxiety, borderline personality, etc.) if they don’t have the backstory of the trauma. A lot of times I didn’t feel comfortable telling therapists about my history and then they would get frustrated with me or misdiagnose me. I’ve learned to leave those therapists earlier rather than later. If the theraputic relationship isn’t working, it can be easy to assume it’s your fault, but it’s not always anyone’s fault. It’s kind of like dating the wrong person. They might be a nice person but it doesn’t mean they are the right one for you.

          In a few cases, I think the therapists and I just had extremely different values in life. One therapist I had had extremely strong opinions about what I should do about my housing situation and it wasn’t at all what I wanted to do. It reminded me of my ex-bf who wanted me to move in with him when I really didn’t want to move out of my current house. Sometimes when people think they know what is best for you, your gut just doesn’t agree. I also had a few therapists that didn’t understand PTSD at all so they would get frustrated when their advice didn’t work.

          I have no idea if our situations are similar at all but my advice would be if you know what your main stressor or diagnosis you need help with is, find someone who specializes in that specifically. For instance if you have PTSD from a car crash, that is a very different experience than if you have PTSD from domestic violence. I found success in finding a therapist when I found one who I felt like understood my personal beliefs and also understood what I had been through. For example, even if they didn’t agree with my beliefs, they didn’t try to push their beliefs on me, if that makes sense.

          Also my current therapist and I had many sessions in the beginning of our journey where we discussed what happened in past therapist’s offices and he never seemed threatened by that at all. I think a good therapist can realize that just because you’ve had therapists in the past where it didn’t work well, that doesn’t mean that you are lumping all therapists together and it doesn’t mean it’s your fault just because you’re the client. Also the fact that you are trying therapy again means you are brave enough to try to get help.

  113. Aargh Pins!! Help*

    Hi everyone! You were so helpful last week with my bobbin issue. Thank you. I got the bobbin loaded and the needle threaded and it only took me four days!

    Now I’m sewing masks and it’s going pretty well. I remember how to sew a seam and I’m okay with an iron. My question is about pins. I’m having trouble getting the pins through even a few layers of fabric, let alone going through several layers of folded fabric (with interfacing) to make pleats. By the time I get the pin poked through, everything has bunched up anyway so the pin is sort of useless.

    I’ve been pressing the pleat with my hands and just trying to hold it in place, but that’s very slow and seems error-prone.

    What am I doing wrong pinning my fabric? Should I fold the pleats and iron them before sewing? Should I baste them? I’d really love to just stick a pin in it, and that’s what the tutorials online are all showing.

    The pins that I have seem to be pretty sharp. They’re just labeled “sewing pins.”

    1. HBJ*

      I’ve made a couple masks, and I didn’t have an issue with pinning. It does bunch up a little, but it’s not a huge deal for me. I usually only leave the pin in until I get those first 2-3 stitches in the pleat, pand then it’ll stay in place.

      I see lots of people using wonder clips, which are really nice but spendy.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      They might not be that sharp. Have you tried running them through the strawberry attached to your pin cushion a few times to sharpen them?

      If that fails, try running them across a bar of soap to lubricate them. It’s what I do when I’m driving screws into hardwoods.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      Also, you can buy sewing clips that hold fabric together in place of pins. Just search Amazon (or wherever‒I know Amazon can be controversial) for “sewing clips”.

    4. Anono-me*

      Do you have any of those black office Clips with the silver bars? I have found those to be helpful instead of pins when dealing with multiple thicker Fabrics.

      I’m glad you are sewing masks. On behalf of everyone, Thank you. (I was going to, but my family made a strong argument about no power tools for me right now.)

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        I was thinking the same thing, but I don’t sew so I wasn’t sure it possible, they are called binder clips around here. Come in many sizes and grip like crazy. I use them for all sorts of things.

    5. Llellayena*

      I’m guessing you’re making the oboe like a pleated rectangle. Don’t try to put the pins in at the edge of the fabric. Aim for the middle of each pleat, it will be enough to hold the shape of the pleat. You’ll still need to hold the pleats with your fingers while you’re sewing, but it will be much easier because they’ll want to fold. It’s also easier to get the pin through the fabric if you have a self healing mat or a non-porous hard surface beneath it. But make sure it’s something you don’t mind scratches on, your newly refinished dining table might not be the best idea!

      1. Llellayena*

        How the heck did it autocorrect to oboe?! I think that was supposed to be “one.”

    6. Reba*

      Yes, you should press with an iron before sewing or at least finger press (that’s more or less what you’re doing, perhaps) if your fabric will hold it.

      Good on you for getting the machine going! I hope it’s fun.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Pleats are so much fun! (not)

      Yeah, the fabric will scoot around and the pin will run it’s own agenda. You may want to try turning the pins 90 degrees. Or you may find that you can handle the fabric easier with a mix of some pins parallel to where the seam will be and some pins perpendicular to where the seam will be.

      When I first started handling pleats I think that is what I ended up doing. I pinned parallel and at right angles.

      Yes, definitely iron it before sewing. This will also help the fabric to keep from sliding around on you so much.

      When I got older, I treated myself to a package of longer pins with big heads that I could easily find and grasp.
      I will put a link in my reply here.

      I also bought specialty pins for silky fabrics and I really enjoy them also. But the link below will give you an idea of what I use for general purposes. The pins are long and these have hearts for the heads. Mine have flowers for the heads. I am sure google can show you other styles.

  114. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Arrgh. I’ve been trying to adopt a dog. (I was already going to get a dog this year before all of this, but was waiting until certain spring conventions were over first so I’d be home more rather than have to leave the dog with a petsitter for a weekend or two during the first few months – not currently a problem!)

    My area always has a shortage of adoptable dogs, so it was going to be a bunch of missed connections and hassle regardless, but it’s RIDICULOUS right now. There are only 9 dogs at the humane society and 3 cats. THREE CATS. I assume Kitten Season will hit soon and more cats will appear, but a single-digit number of cats is amazing (I’m not looking for a cat – allergies). I’ve been prowling Petfinder and a bunch of the rescue groups, trying to weed out all of the out-of-state rescues that insist they’ll fly in dogs from Texas after you adopt them as soon as they can find a plane, to find dogs that are actually here and ready for homes, and it’s honestly worse than when I was house-hunting a few years back.

    Today one of the rescues called me back about a dog, but I was outside in my back yard and didn’t hear my phone ring. They moved on to another applicant less than an hour later before I came back inside and checked messages. :(

    Bleh.

    I’m glad that dogs are getting good homes, I just wish mine could be one of them.

      2. Pennyworth*

        I’ve heard that a lot of ‘quarantine’ adoptions are expected to be returned when things get back to normal. Is waiting an option?

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I’m looking for a pretty specific type of dog, so I’m going to keep looking and applying now, but if I don’t get a dog right now due to the heavy competition I’ll keep looking later. I’m just bummed because I missed out on the first basset I’d seen locally in months.

          Basically, I’m looking for a larger, older dog that would like to go on walks/amble’n’sniffs rather than runs and has a generally mellow personality that appreciates naps and just hanging out rather than needing a “job” all the time. They also need to not like to go swimming, since I have a backyard pool and would prefer not to have a wet dog every day all summer (and possibly winter) long. Due to past familiarity with the breed’s quirks, I’m specifically hoping for a basset hound but would also consider a different breed or mix with the right behavioral quirks.

          All I find locally is toy breeds and pitbulls. I want a dog that’s big enough that I’m not worried about stepping on it, and I’m worried that pitbulls would like to swim.

          1. MechanicalPencil*

            I have a pittie who is legit afraid of water. Even rain. And he’s the world’s biggest couch potato. So don’t take all dogs at face value. His son (who I decidedly did not adopt) was raring to go all the time, but mine (at 4 years old!) is the biggest old man. We go from strolls and occasionally play tug of war, and that’s about it. He’s not a runner, nor am I. He’s also the world’s worst guard dog. My neighbors are afraid of my pittie, who is the sweetest derp; I even got him certified as a therapy dog just because, though we aren’t working due to the current situation. He’s content to lay on his bed (or mine) and snooze. And he’s a cuddler. He also lets me shove my chilly feet under him, which I appreciate when I’m working.

            My pittie is legit the best trained dog I’ve ever had. He’s a stubborn one, but he also KNOWS. I don’t have to say something, just make an “ah ah” sound (even just clear my throat pointedly) and he stops. So even if he didn’t hate water and I had a pool, I’d just have to teach him that the pool was a no go zone and this is my boundary/expectation. Heck, the only thing he wants to do is lay in the sun 98% of the time anyway. Even when it’s hot as blazes out. I’ve never had a dog as fascinated with “tanning” as him, and I’m flabbergasted by it since I’m generally a vampire.

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              I wasn’t worried about the swimming thing with pitties (although it’s why I’d been avoiding all labs and lab mixes), but then one of the pitbull listings I was looking at talked about how much that dog liked both hiking and swimming, and I realized that with most rescue dogs it’s a total unknown if they swim. (One of my former petsitting clients has a lab mix that doesn’t, which actually kind of disappointed them since their previous lab, as is so common in that breed, loved the water and they took it swimming regularly.)

              Since it’s hard to screen for (most fosters don’t try to take their foster dogs swimming) and something I really want to avoid, I’m trying to go for particularly water-averse breeds.

              If I get a swimmer anyway, I’ll deal with it through a combination of keeping them out of the pool area most of the time, getting them a swim vest with a sturdy handle, and putting up with a wet, happy dog on warm days, but I’d prefer to have a dry, happy dog that wants to lounge poolside and bask in the sun (or in the shade, I’m not picky).

              My cousin used to have a dog that would jump in the pool to “save” us but was not smart enough to figure out pool stairs or pool ladders and would need to be caught, picked up, and lifted back out of the pool, and I’d particularly like to avoid that situation, although I think most dogs will figure out the stairs if they actually live at a house with a specific pool and get regular practice. (This pool was at my aunt and uncle’s house, and all of us cousins and other relatives would descend upon them en masse for a week or so in the summer. Around 10 kids piled into a couple of guest rooms by gender rather than sorted by immediate family, then loosely supervised by the combined adults but mostly left to our own devices and allowed to drive the boat and waterski on the river unsupervised in addition to swim in the pool and go for bike rides. It was a wonderful and very unstructured time.)

      3. Anonnington*

        Sadly, we may also see the opposite – dogs that lose their homes because of the pandemic. Dogs whose owner lost their job, or passed away, or some other reason. Unless things turn around soon, there will continue to be a ripple effect.

        1. Anono-me*

          Also a lot of spay and neuter procedures are being postponed. So soon there’ll be lots of kittens and puppies.

          Is there any way when all this settles down for you to take a road trip with a good friend to one of the states that is just overwhelmed with dogs? I know our rescue was part of a dog transport from a state that is really having trouble. Maybe you could bring home your fur Buddy (and a few others who need homes). Sadly I think the states that were having trouble taking care of the local dogs are going to have an even more difficult time after this is done.

      4. willow for now*

        I can see that. You have more time at home to box train the kitty, potty train the puppy, work with the older dogs on behavior issues. More sustained attention, rather than the hit-or-miss attention that might come when everyone in the house is out and about doing things.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you are in a more rural area, then having 9 dogs to chose from might be normal.
      When I got my last dog there were only 2 litters and then a pair of 6 month olds.
      Stay strong, it’s not easy finding a dog.

    3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Update: they’ve had two other potential adopters fall through because Dog in Question is…exhuberent in his introductions to other dogs, and a pretty large dog to suddenly have be all up in your business greeting you like that, so the other dogs in both families Weren’t Having That (his picture on the rescue site is angled in a way that makes him look small, but his listing says he’s 55 pounds, so I suspect people who aren’t used to bassets just didn’t realize how big something that shape could be and are trying to fit him into a small dog household). I have no other dogs (and PLENTY of experience both training dogs to have better manners and choosing situations that set the dog up for success rather than being mad at a dog for not behaving well in a situation it was extremely foreseeable would go badly), so I’m going to go meet him today! If it goes well, I’ll be taking him home tonight.

      If I get the dog, I’ll post about him in next weekend’s thread.

  115. Elizabeth West*

    Ugh, my scalp hurts. From the tension, I guess. But it hurts to brush my hair, especially at the top and toward the front. Massaging it with my fingers doesn’t seem to help much.

    I don’t want to order anything from Amazon right now, but I was thinking about getting one of those shampoo brush things (I put it in my wish list). Maybe that would help. Has anyone ever used one of those?

    1. Pennalynn Lott*

      Not what you asked (because I’ve never even heard of a shampoo brush) but how long are you going between hair-washings?

      I ask *only* because my scalp was incredibly sore last week and it was… um… because I hadn’t washed my hair in over a week. The build-up of oil and whatnot (ugh) was weighing down my hair and maybe messing with the hair follicles.

      I know there are tons of people who go longer between washings but if you’re used to daily or every-other-day then it can be painful if you wait too long.

    3. RagingADHD*

      My hair hurts when I’m feverish, have PMS, or am having a really really bad inflammation flareup.

      Take good care of yourself.

  116. Jessen*

    Also this is a bit of a trivial complaint, but – with the quarantine going on it’s really delayed and almost impossible to get stuff like new clothing, even with delivery. I get why, I really do. But I’m coming off a house fire right before last new year’s and the weather’s warming up. And I have nothing to wear that’s not heavyweight. I did order some stuff but it’s going to take a while to come in with everything going on.

    1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Are you trying through Amazon, or through places that only sell clothes like Kohl’s or JCPenney? I poked at Kohl’s a few days back and it seemed like they were only about a week out for delivery then. (I decided I didn’t really need the things I was thinking of ordering so I ended up not buying them, but your situation is different than mine.)

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        In my area Kohl’s is doing curbside pickup, too, so that might be a same day/next day option if that’s true where you are.

      2. Jessen*

        It was through Old Navy, which is one of the few places that actually stocks stuff that fits ok. I may just be being impatient. Usually I’d be browsing the thrift stores to build stuff back up and find cute pieces I really like.

    2. Margaret*

      I placed an order on Target (a variety of things, but including a pair of jeans), last week on Thursday. Ended up in multiple shipments for some reason, but the first package arrived Sunday, and the one with jeans has shipped and supposed to arrive on Wednesday, so less than a week out!

      From what I’ve seen Target is also doing a decent job of taking care of employees, and while of course a week is slower than these probably would have been before, I think that’s faster than some places currently.

  117. Anonnington*

    Anyone else here changing their dog’s routine due to COVID? I’m in a relatively hard hit area of NYC. I’m lucky to have a tiny back yard. It’s about the size of a wrap-around balcony, but it’s something.

    So I’m trying to get my dog to do his business in the yard and play games for exercise – both indoors and outdoors – instead of going for walks. Because a lot of people around here aren’t following the guidelines, and why risk it? I want him to have walks, but I think this is better than his one human risking their health.

    He gets to run. He gets challenging games. But he’s a boy. Male dogs REALLY like to wander around and mark things. He was neutered as an adult, and he’s really into this – he does not only a lot of leg-lifting but also scratches the dirt and rubs his scent on bushes with his whole body (like a cat). He’s very much like, “I want ALL the critters to know that I was here. And here. And here.”

    So he’s upset about not going for walks. He doesn’t want to do any business in the yard. He’ll only do it early in the morning when he’s alone.

    I don’t want him to suffer, holding it, while he’s adjusting, so I’m changing the routine slowly. We took one walk today. Since then, he’s been whining and asking to go out a lot. So I take him out back. He whines. We play ball. He’s into it for a little while, then loses interest and starts whining again.

    I really feel for him. He doesn’t understand. But as his guardian, I have to look out for my own health so that I can continue to be his buddy.

    It sucks when this affects a pet.

    1. JediSquirrel*

      I used to visit my parents quite regularly. Their fifteen-year-old poodle really misses me. When he know they’re talking to me on the phone, he’ll want to talk to me, which he normally doesn’t. I ask him if he’s a good boy and he barks and barks and barks. He has no idea what’s going on and you can’t explain it to him.

      This is really hard on pets. I feel for you. Tell him he’s a good boy and give him some ear skritchies for me.

      1. Anonnington*

        I just took him for a little night walk! It was good in that we only walked down the block and back and he did all of his business. However, it is inevitably an infection risk every time. People get too close. He rubs against things that people have recently been touching.

        It’s such a tough call. By risking infection, I’m being a bad dog parent. By denying him walks, I’m being a bad dog parent. We do have a big apartment, and he can run around and get exercise both indoors and out. But there is a reason dogs need walks unless they have a big yard. They really need to stretch their legs, smell new smells, and mark their territory.

        The way I see it is that this is Emergency Mode. It could just as well be a bad storm. He needs to learn a routine for when something bad is going on and we can’t go for a walk.

        1. Pumpa Rumpa*

          I understand. I have a 6 month old puppy. I live in a decent sized apartment with a larger than average back porch. He’s able to run around, but it’s not the same as being able to go to a dog park. I live in the suburbs in the Seattle area, so I too am nervous about taking him on walks. People in my neighborhood are good about keeping their distance for the most part. I always feel super guilty on the days I don’t take him on walks.

    3. Long drives*

      My pup really misses her routine, so I sympathize. Walks give them mental fun as well as a physical outlet. The backyard really only addresses the latter. Can you implement more mental games to give him the stimulation he’d get on walks? Training, hide and seek, puzzle games?

    4. MechanicalPencil*

      There’s a fb group called Canine Enrichment that has a lot of activities that stimulate dogs mentally. Maybe doing something different will help? I know my dogs have felt similarly cooped up, and something as simple as having to work a bit harder for some treats or kibble has really helped tire them out.

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