weekend free-for-all – May 16-17, 2020

by Alison Green on May 16, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Other Bennet Sister, by Janice Hadlow. The story of Mary Bennet, the plain, seemingly stick-in-the-mud sister from Pride and Prejudice. I usually don’t like retellings but I loved this one, and you will never look at any of the Bennet sisters the same way again. (In fact, even Mr. Collins becomes sympathetic here, which is quite an achievement.)

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,648 comments }

{ 1,648 comments… read them below }

  1. LDN Layabout*

    It’s 7am on a Saturday and I’m VERY EXCITED about defrosting the fridge today.

    Lockdown is strange.

    1. StellaBella*

      This is a good plan. I will be out of frozen goods by next weekend so will add this to task of cleaning the fridge! I planned to do a major clean, as in move the fridge and oven and all moveable table/cat food trays/stuff in kitchen and scrub top to bottom next weekend.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        I’ve been doing little chunks of work like that around the house and it really seems to help with my mental equilibrium.

    2. leapingLemur*

      I noticed lately how much stuff (much of it probably expired) I have in the bathroom (hair dye that I never got around to using, etc.) and am kind of looking forward to going through and tossing the expired stuff and maybe being able to actually find stuff.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        I did this with my kitchen food cupboards in anticipation of getting a few more staples in stock and it was /so/ satisfying.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Uggh! When my folks died and we cleaned out their house, we found so much expired pantry goods! Mostly *behind* more recent containers of the same products. Put the new stuff to the back of the shelf, folks.

    3. PX*

      Eh, I always get excited about defrosting the freezer to be honest. Its just so satisfying when its done :D

      1. LDN Layabout*

        EVERYTHING IS CLEAN, NEATLY ORGANISED AND THE ENTIRE KITCHEN (AND MYSELF) SMELL MILDLY OF DISINFECTANT :D

    4. Rebecca*

      I’m excited that I was able to snag a grocery pickup time at 9 AM today (need to get dressed!!) yesterday! I had forgotten, thought, ugh, I’ll get one reserved for next week and go into the store, but I was shocked that slots were open today! Woot!!

      1. Oxford Comma*

        At least where I am, they appear to have hired a bunch of people because it’s gone from 2 weeks to a day very quickly.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Excellent, must feel great to get that done! I don’t have to defrost my freezer but I’m planning to deep clean my fridge/freezer and pull it out to clean underneath and vacuum the coils. I am oddly excited by it!

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I ordered some fabric bins to organize the bottom of my chest freezer so it’s more usable instead of a pile of miscellaneous items. Plus just tossing stuff in there inevitably means the oldest stuff is on the bottom so I’m trying to fix my rotation at the same time…

    8. WellRed*

      I got excited about buying a squeegee and washing a my numerous and large windows.

    9. Bluebell*

      I’ve been trying to do a bookshelf or drawer a day. Earlier this week I ended up giving away some games and also board books to our neighbors who have a 4 month old baby.

    10. Nervous Nellie*

      I hear ya. I woke up this morning and said to myself, “Yay! I am going to VACUUM today!” Woohoo.

    11. Overeducated*

      I know what you mean. I was excited to spend time outdoors today but I couldn’t deal with the clutter indoors any longer, so I’ve spent a lot of my day organizing. (Still not done, but the space does feel less claustrophobic already.)

    12. Tris Prior*

      My downstairs neighbor (who got cranky if we even dared walk softly above her) moved out, so I have done SO much vacuuming. SO much. It was oddly cathartic. Lockdown is indeed strange.

    13. allathian*

      Last weekend, I cleaned and oiled our wooden garden furniture, yay! Of course, we had a mild winter and now we’re having a cold spring with daytime highs around 10 C/50 F, so it’ll be a while.

    14. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I’ve been excited about nearly all my household tasks since I’ve been working from home. I use the Cozi calendar app, and I had them update me to the Clean Mama version, so I get the Clean Mama reminders of little household tasks to do each day, and I’ve been getting them all done during the time when I would have been commuting, and in little 10-minute breaks throughout the day — so satisfying!

  2. LG*

    You seem to have interrupted your cats communing with something via a bowl of light! (They are so cute, I love the photo every week.)

    3. 653-CXK*

      Hallo hummun…thiz iz a rowntabul diskushun, but wi r aveylabul fur kweshtyuns latur…kom bak then!

    4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      They were waiting for Alison to join them…this is an intervention.

      1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        Or a feline board of directors asking Alison to step into their conference room for a little meow.

        1. nonegiven*

          I thought they look like they have finished their meeting and are ready to announce their decision.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      Alison, I see you have binoculars. I’m wondering if you’re a fellow birder. Unless the binoculars are for the cats. :)

        2. allathian*

          Good for you! We have a grove of trees next door, with squirrels in the trees.

        3. Scarlet Magnolias*

          I had 3 fox cubs out in my back yard last year, Of course I named them, Reynard, Loxy and Todd. They were so incredibly cute and I loved to watch them out of my back window. I didn’t love them quite so much when I saw them playing hacky-sack with a dead chipmunk. Oh well, our neighbors put mothballs by their den and they found a new hang out

  3. Neyla*

    That book sounds interesting! Unlike Alison, I usually like books that are retellings of an earlier story. This makes me wonder what other books like that people would recommend? For example I loved Wicked (retelling of the Wizard of Oz from the witch’s perspective) and The Mists of Avalon (Camelot told by the women).

    1. Jen*

      I really, really love the Mythago series by Robert Holdstock. Most of the series deals with the same events, but from the points of view of different characters. The most direct connection is between Mythago Wood and Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn, which retell the same(ish) story as seen by two brothers.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I read Longbourne, by Jo Baker, which is about the servant in the Bennet household, and also Death comes to Pemberley, in which one of the characters from Pride and Prejudice gets murdered.

        1. Day owl*

          Seconding Death Comes to Pemberley by PD James. I love her mystery novels. I also recommend March by Geraldine Brooks, a retelling of Little Women from the POV of Mr. March. It’s quite dark though

          1. Pomona Sprout*

            Thirding Death Comes to Pemberley! I loved that book. I’m going to take a look at Lonbourne and The Other Bennet Stster, too.

    2. NeverNicky*

      Longbourne, by Jo Baker is excellent. As are The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood and March by Geraldine Brooks.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Thank you for mentioning March! All I could think of was “that book about the father of the girls in Little Women.

    3. MistOrMister*

      I heard of The Mists of Avalon but never realized what it was. I might give that a look!!

      I’ve mentioned Till We Have Faces on here a time or two. It’s by C.S. Lewis and is a re-telling of the Greek myth of Cupid and Psyche. Only told from the point of view of one of Psyche’s half sisters and set in a fictional country called Glome. I read it again recently and still really enjoy it.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        I think I saw your recommendation last time and found it online :-) Both tragic and fascinating.

        1. MistOrMister*

          I had forgotten so much of the story that it was like reading it for the first time. I really enjoyed the changes in the main character’s understanding. Took her a little while, but she got there in the end!

    4. GGfluffypants*

      American Gods is kinda of a retelling of old myths. Good Omens is definitely a retelling of The End Days in the bible.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I’d say Good Omens is less a retelling and more an adaptation/what if but it’s a great book.

      2. AnonEMoose*

        I adore “American Gods.” That said, I would recommend reading something else by Neil Gaiman (maybe “Neverwhere”) before tackling “American Gods.” Not because it’s a difficult book, but because the standard warning I give people I know are about to read it for the first time is “whatever you expect it to be…it’s not.”

        1. Argye*

          American Gods is second on my list of books that freaked me out. First is Geek Love.

          1. AnonEMoose*

            American Gods is a head trip, for sure. I’ve read it several times, and every time I do, I spot something new.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      I enjoyed The Wind Done Gone, a retelling of Gone With the Wind from the viewpoint of the slaves.

      1. Monty and Millie's Mom*

        Oooo, I think I’d love that, thanks for the recommendation! I’ve never heard of it!

    6. AY*

      Circe by Madeline Miller is a retelling of, you guessed it, Circe from the Odyssey. I really enjoyed that one. The author has also written a retelling of the Achilles story, but I haven’t read it. Like some others in this thread, I also liked Longbourne quite a bit.

      1. Tears of the mushroom*

        The Song of Achilles. The story is from the perspective of Patroclus, the best friend/lover of Achilles. Just brilliant.

      2. TL -*

        In that same vein, The Silence of the Girls by Pat Barker is brilliant, set during the events of the Iliad.

    7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Not a book, but I recently enjoyed Ophelia (women’s recentering of Hamlet) on Netflix, and would recommend.

      1. BetsCounts*

        that was an adaptation of Ophelia by Lisa Klein! I thought it was more of a YA novel, but still enjoyed it.

    8. Alex*

      I really liked “When She Woke” which is a retelling of the Scarlet Letter set in a dystopian American future.

    9. alex b*

      I usually like these, whether they switch the perspective or switch the setting/context. If the author really, really understands the original, they can work well IMO. I also loved Wicked and Mists of Avalon!

      Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys is a beautiful, haunting retelling of Jane Eyre from the perspective of the madwoman in the attic. I always teach it when I teach Jane Eyre.

      I enjoyed On Beauty by Zadie Smith, which is loosely a modern Howards End that’s about academia and race among other things.

      Margaret Atwood has one called Hag-Seed that is a retelling of The Tempest; it’s on my list.

      Also if you love Wicked, that author has another one that’s Cinderella from the perspective of the ugly stepsisters. I read it a long time ago, but I recall liking it, just not as much as Wicked.

      2. with a comma after dearest*

        Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister by Gregory Maguire. It’s good, though pretty dark.

      3. Mallory Janis Ian*

        Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister — that’s the one that was on the tip of my brain to recommend and I couldn’t think who wrote it or the title. I enjoyed that one.

      4. BetsCounts*

        Hogarth Shakespeare has a whole series of adaptations- I really liked Anne Tyler’s Vinegar Girl but found the rest of them slow going.

    10. Jules the 3rd*

      Patricia McKillip takes the old tropes and sculpts them into new, challenging shapes:
      Forests of Serre = Firebird
      Shadows of Ombria = Cinderella, sorta

      Robin McKinley’s got several that are really well done:
      Beauty: Retelling of Beauty and the Beast
      Deerskin (warning – sexual violence; true to the original)
      Rose Daughter
      Spindle’s End (Sleeping Beauty)
      (and if you like Spindle’s End, find _Hero and the Crown_ and _The Blue Sword_)
      Outlaws of Sherwood (Robin Hood retelling; warning – violence.) (Probably my fave, but I always liked Robin Hood more than Grimm)
      Door In The Hedge has a couple, short stories

      I don’t remember for sure if Beauty / Rose Daughter / Spindle’s End also have sexual violence, I think they do not. Spindle’s End does not go pre-Grimm, where Sleeping wakes up when her children are born, not with a ‘kiss’.

      On the lighter side, Mercedes Lackey’s got a long string of retellings in her “Elemental Masters” series. For the most part, only the bad guys get hurt, though there’s some collateral damage to likeable secondary characters iirc. Also iirc, most of the books end up with a romance, which can sometimes feel kinda shoe horned in.

      1. Reba*

        Other fantasy/YA titles based on folktales and fairy tales that I have really enjoyed are Uprooted and Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik, and the Bear and the Nightingale series by Katherine Arden.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        YA variants abound… some better than others. One that I loved is ‘Princess of the Midnight Ball’ by Jessica Day George. (There are 2 more books in the ’12 Dancing Princesses’ series, but the first stands alone too.)
        The Disney ‘Twisted Tale’ series bend or add plot points. My daughter specifically mentions the one for Beauty & the Beast: “What if Belle’s mother was the witch?”
        Back to standard lit, my husband contributes “Grendel” by John Gardner.
        And I loved ” Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead.”

      4. Bewildered lately*

        I loved Robin McKinley’s Beauty! I don’t recall any violence of any kind.

    11. Lost in the Woods*

      I’m so sad about Mists of Avalon. I loved it when I was a kid, but the revelations regarding the author’s abuse of her children really taints the work for me, even though the publisher now donates all the sale profits.

      1. retirement is all it's cracked up to be*

        I know the feeling. Maybe it shouldn’t taint the good storytelling, but it does. I no longer recommend it to anyone. And I have icky feelings about Anne Perry’s books now that I know her past–the books entertained me, but I no longer want anything to do with them. It’s hard to separate the art from real life.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          This is how I felt when I found out J.K. Rowling posted that horrible TERF tweet. I still like Harry Potter, but that really put me off reading any more of her books.

            1. allathian*

              To add to that, I used to enjoy the Cormoran Strike books she wrote under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to read them again. I probably won’t give up re-reading HP, though…

          2. Fikly*

            I read Harry Potter the books exactly once, enough to know I was horrified by many of her views, and then I knew enough to read all the fic I wanted that has a much healthier take on what is a fascinating potential universe.

      2. Generic Name*

        It totally taints all of her works. I’m glad to know profits go to charity now. It also explains her odd characterization of Morgaine as a mother. I thought it was so, so strange that Morgaine could be so….indifferent….toward her son, even though she didn’t raise him.

      3. Former Neighbor*

        I don’t typically read books in the genre but loved Mists of Avalon. Years before I read the book, I had heard of its author because she lived half a block from me in the early 80s. My housemates and I thought it strange that an author of a pagan book seemed so disconnected from basic connections with nature. In a friendly neighborhood, she and her husband had the shades down on their windows with no natural daylight coming in, and had a rundown yard they didn’t use. At first we thought they were trying to preserve their privacy, but after a while it felt creepy and we wondered about what their lives were like. Years later I learned about the horrible abuse of children that happened in that house. So tragic that none of us knew at the time.

      4. Willow*

        I also loved it as a kid, but upon rereading all that gross stuff is right on the page. Avalon is very rapey.

    12. Bluebell*

      Re Jane by Patricia Park is a very enjoyable retelling of Jane Eyre as a half Korean orphan in Flushing, Queens. I liked it a lot.

    13. Combinatorialist*

      I enjoyed the trilogy by Pamela Aiden of Pride and Prejudice from Darcy’s point of view. I think the first one is titled These Three Remain. The second of the trilogy has a somewhat odd plot, but I think the characters remain fairly true throughout and they are enjoyable reads.

    14. fposte*

      Grandmommy of them all: Jean Rhys’ Wide Sargasso Sea, the story of the first Mrs. Rochester.

    15. Nicki Name*

      Lavinia by Ursula K. Le Guin is about the life of the future wife of the hero of the Aeneid.

      A Bridge of Birds by Barry Hughart has as its backstory a version of the Chinese folktale of the shepherd and the celestial maiden.

      Red As Blood by Tanith Lee is another collection of alternate takes on Western folktales.

      1. Jane*

        I second the recommendation of Lavinia, and will need to check out your other two recommendations.

    16. Kate*

      Ooh, I like retellings, too! And I also like when the author themselves have written the same story with different endings, like Agatha Christie has some short story/novel or story/play versions. But retelling as “the same story but from a different point of view”, not “the same story but in a different setup”. I’m going to put this book recommendation on my list!

    17. 00ff00Claire*

      I enjoyed Lady Vernon and Her Daughter, a novel based on Jane Austen’s Lady Susan. It falls under what I would call light reading, but I appreciated Lady Susan more after reading it. It’s been a while since I read it, so I can’t remember if sure if it was meant to “reimagine” Lady Susan or just transform it into a novel form a la Sense and Sensibility.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I really liked Mary Reilly, a retelling of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from the point of view of Jekyll’s housekeeper.

      1. Blueberry*

        Seconding this one, which was the first title I thought of when I swa the question.

    19. Short Time Lurker Komo*

      If you like the Robin Hood mythos, some recommendations are:

      Scarlet Series by A. C. Gaughen, which centers on Marion as ‘Will Scarlet’.

      King Raven series by Stephen R. Lawhead moves the story to a different time than traditional as I recall but felt very well researched and was a fun read.

      Seconding the suggestion of Robin McKinley – a lot of her books are interesting retellings of fairytales – on the theme of Robin Hood, I believe hers had Robin as not the master archer, which was a lot of fun!

    20. Ted Mosby*

      It’s not of a fictional story but I really loved The Other Boleyn Girl. It’s a little lowbrow but excellent at the same time.

    21. Nessun*

      If you like mysteries, Good Night Mr. Holmes is the story from Irene Adler’s POV (and begins a series about her as detective). Sherlock pops up occasionally, and it’s by Carole Nelson Douglas.

    22. GrumpyGnome*

      This series is not exactly a retelling, but uses women characters from other books and does tell their story from their point of view. Theodora Goss; The Strange Case of the Alchemist’s Daughter, European Travel for the Monstrous Gentlewoman and The Sinister Mystery of the Mesmerizing Girl.

      I also am a big fan of the Chronicles of Saint Mary’s series by Jodi Taylor. It’s a retelling of history, or perhaps more a speculation of historical events, as told from a time traveler’s point of view. As a history nerd, these books make me so happy.

    23. Cleo*

      I love retellings and I’m especially enjoying them now, when I really crave the comfort of reading something familiar.

      Terri Windling edited a series of fairytale retellings in the 80s that’s quite good. Jack the giant killer by Charles deLint is my favorite – a retelling of the Jack and the beanstalk and other British stories, set in Ottawa, featuring a woman named Jackie. Early urban fantasy.

      KJ Charles writes marvelous queer historical genre fiction that’s often a reimagining (rather than retelling) of familiar story types. Band Sinester is a Georgette Heyer type regency romance without the classism, antisemetism etc and with gay protagonists. Proper English is a British house party murder mystery with a lesbian solving the mystery and getting the girl.

    24. Buni*

      “Rebecca’s Tale” by Sally Beauman, both a sequel and a retelling of Du Maurier’s ‘Rebecca’. The book’s in 4 chunks: the first two are set 20 years after the event, one from the point of view of the magistrate who originally investigated and one from a new character, a scholar helping him. The 3rd is Rebecca’s own journal and the final the magistrate’s daughter kinda summing up the whole investigation.

    25. Mephyle*

      Jane Fairfax by Joan Aiken is, obviously, Emma from Jane Fairfax’s point of view. I read it before I had read Emma, in fact before I had read Jane Austen at all, so I didn’t even know about Emma when I read Jane Fairfax. It certainly gave me a different slant on Emma when I eventually came to it.

    26. BetsCounts*

      When i read the summary of the other bennet sister, I was super confused because I had (somewhat) recently read a novella with that exact POV. Turns out, it was Pride and Prometheus by John Kessel, in which Victor Frankenstein meets up with Kitty and Mary. It was an exceptionally moving story, not done for laughs like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter or Pride + Prejudice + Zombies or Android Karennina.

    27. Intermittent Introvert*

      A variation on the theme. I really enjoyed Love is Eternal by Irving Stone. It’s historical fiction about Mary Todd Lincoln. I read it after Gone with the Wind. They were both women’s points of view from both sides of the civil war.

  4. How Soon To Have Sex In Dating*

    How soon in dating someone do you have sex with them?

    How has that changed/not changed as you’ve gotten older?

    When I was in my early 20s, I would wait until the 6th or 7th date because I felt like sex was a Really Big Deal so I wanted to save it. Now in my early 30s I’ll have sex on the 3rd date because I’ve learned I really value a strong sexual chemistry and I don’t like getting really far down the dating road and then finding out we’re not compatible.

    1. LegallyRed*

      When I was dating after divorce in my mid-30s, I had sex on dates 1-3. If we didn’t have sex by the 3rd date, there was not another one. Like you, I value chemistry and the “spark.” (I also wasn’t dating to find a long-term relationship, though that is what ended up happening.)

      My sexual experiences before that were in my teens (I started dating my first husband at 19) and all over the map in terms of timing.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I have sex when I want to. This isn’t snarky, it’s true. I’ve had sex on the first date and had an excellent time, and I’ve waited for months. Of course, all of this is predicated on the other person wanting sex on that same timetable…

      1. Copenhagen*

        Me too. It’s more of a “go with the flow” kind of thing. But totally a case of personal preference – people should do what feels right for them.

      3. Greasy turtle burger*

        Yep,this.Before I was married,it was when everyone felt ready.Sometimes one is ready before the other(s),sometimes it all flows together at the right time, sometimes it never happens and folks move on.I think those were the hardest to get over for me.I had the tendancy that when I’d give my heart, I’d want to wait to give away the rest,and vice versa.

      4. Melody Pond*

        This resonates. In my relationship before Mr. Pond, we waited four months before having sex. With Mr. Pond, we had sex right away – though that was partly because I already knew him and knew that there was chemistry there.

    3. Lady Farquaad*

      I’m married so this is hypothetical. But I would rather wait until I know the person well and the relationship is secure. The emotional connection for me is part of the enjoyment of sex. Also I’m paranoid about STIs and don’t want to sleep with someone until I’m comfortable enough to have that “I’ve been checked, are you clear?” discussion. Also I’m terrified of being murdered so the idea of a one night stand with a stranger or third date sex with a near stranger isn’t appealing to me.

      So basically, a lot of people would find me weird and it’s a good thing I’m off the market. Heh.

      1. Class99*

        @ Lady Farquaad, I don’t find you weird at all because as a woman I have all of these sentiments you do too.

      2. MistOrMister*

        I also have the, nope nope noooooope reaction to going home with someone early on for fear of the murder event. Someone invited me up to his place when I was picking him up for a 2nd date (to look at this art, he said) and I nixed that one. All I could think was, if he has a murder dungeon in there I sure am going to look stupid. I am not comfortable bringing someone to my place casually because if they end up being a stalkerish weirdo, now they know where I live.

        1. Misty*

          I never bring people back to my place either! I dated a man for three months who casually told me that his mom drove by my house multiple times to “check me out”! I thought that was extremely strange because why would he tell me that, his mom lived 45 minutes away, and my house is behind a lot of other houses and not near a main road or near anything so you REALLY have to go out of your way/put it in the GPS to find me. Ever since that (which was two years ago) I’ve dated people long term who literally never saw where I lived because I was so freaked out by that.

          I’m always blown away when friends say they brought him/her home right away because you can change your phone number, you can block emails, but it’s really hard to change your address/your house. I may be paranoid though because of that experience.

          1. MistOrMister*

            What in the world?! Who does that kind of thing? My goodness!!!

            I don’t always jump to give someone my number because you can usually find their address that way. I’ll do kik or google voice if necessary. Kind of makes me miss the days of being unlisted in the phonebook and therefor hard to track down.

            1. Misty*

              Same. Apparently you can also find people’s addresses if you know their name, state, and if they are registered to vote because that’s how his mom supposedly found mine.

        2. Clisby*

          To be fair, a first date isn’t necessarily with a recent acquaintance. You could have known someone for months or years, are now having a first date, and have good reason to doubt this person would be a murderer.

        3. Clisby*

          To be fair, a first date isn’t necessarily with a recent acquaintance. You could have known someone for months or years, are now having a first date, and have good reason to doubt this person would be a murderer.

      4. LegallyRed*

        I don’t think it’s weird at all! When I was still safely nestled in the cocoon of my first marriage, I felt the same way. It was such a hypothetical concept that I had a hard time wrapping my head around being comfortable with moving so quickly. However, my fears dissipated quickly once I was actually in that situation. I figured out what I needed to feel safe and then had fun from there. :-)

        At one point I had decided that I would add the following line to my Tinder profile when I was ready for a long-term relationship: “I’m ready for my last first date. Unless it’s because you murder me.” But I met my now-husband before I reached that point on my own.

    4. Galapagos tortoise*

      When I was dating, I only didn’t have sex on the first date if it was a bad date. I like sex and it always seemed to me to be a very good way to get to know someone. Now I’m married so dates and sex are less correlated.

    5. nonny non*

      Female cis heterosexual here, currently married 20+ years, so my experience is from the 90s. My 1st serious boyfriend, we had non p-i-v sex at about 6mo, p-i-v sex around 2 years. After that, p-i-v was 2nd date (if we were friends before dating) or 3rd.

      For some guys, that was a signal that I was only short-term dating material. I was advised to ‘wait’ and ‘let them chase me’, but I decided that I wanted a partner who thought that sex did not devalue a woman, and started using that as one of my ‘long term?’ criteria. I thought, if they didn’t buy into that social rule, then they’d probably not buy into a lot of the gender social rules, and… well, I don’t fit a lot of the gender social rules. Found him (sex, 2nd date), and he has been a great partner through some frustrating times. He does not buy into most gender social rules. I hear the rules have changed some for younger people, who are getting more pressure to have sex early and then figure out if it’s a relationship later.

      For me, it was about knowing myself, what I wanted, and then finding a partner who matched that. I think ‘knowing what you want’ is always the place to start, and then thinking about whether that’s best, if there’s a reason to change or to stick with it, etc. I thought about the ‘wait’ advice for months…

      I will say: there is some fun to the sexual tension before first p-i-v, which seems to disappear after. Before, kissing is the goal, after, kissing is the path, and that is a little bit of a loss.

      1. LegallyRed*

        Yes, this. I like sex. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks I shouldn’t have sex when I want to because of some unspoken social expectation that women are supposed to be chaste and play hard to get in order to merit a long-term relationship.

        Also had sex with my current husband on the 2nd date, would recommend 10/10.

        1. MistOrMister*

          I probably come off as the chaste type b/c the odds of sex on a first date or even by the 3rd are pretty nonexistent for me. I just can’t relax enough to be comfortable if I don’t know the person. For me it’s not a morals thing, just a personal comfort thing. If i’m going to accidentally fall out the bed and hit my head on the wall while naked (I can be coordinatedly challenged at times…) I like the person there to be one I’m already comfortable with.

          1. LegallyRed*

            I think this is different though. You are operating within your own comfort zone, which is how sex should work! It’s when women feel like they *have* to behave that way in order to catch a quality man, or that men expect women to behave that way in order to deem them worthy of a relationship, that I start to have objections.

          2. matcha123*

            I’m the same. I’m also not someone who has a need for sex. If I have it, I want it to be with someone that I’ve chosen.
            I feel like that puts me at odds with popular culture where not always wanting sex is a sign that I’m obviously repressed or that there’s something wrong with me…which is something I wish we could move away from.
            Especially when it comes to dating, it is easy to say that waiting for someone that matches your pace is best, but when most people seem to be in a rush to bed each other before getting to know each other, it can make dating kinda suck.

          3. Julia*

            I totally get that! In theory, casual sex sounds fun, but would I really go to someone’s house despite barely knowing them, take off my clothes, and still somehow enjoy it? Doubtful…

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Definitely the part about not thinking sex devalues women. In fact, that’s one of the things that drove me away from church, the idea that I would have to be with one person for life and I wouldn’t even get to test drive him first. That used to freak me out, like “What if he’s really bad at it!?!”

    6. Anonnington*

      It depends on the kind of connection we have. But my stance on it has changed over time.

      When I was younger, I was on birth control, and I enjoyed some care-free recreational sex (obviously being safe about it). Sex is fun, and it’s ok for it to exist outside of a serious relationship as long as both/all partners are ok with that. And I had fun exploring the world of sex, finding out what different things felt like and what my preferences were. I also had been a nerd with very strict parents; the idea of getting to have sex with different people was really exciting. It felt like a long-awaited luxury.

      That said, I didn’t sew as many wild oats as some people. I was always more focused on long-term relationships. And in relationships, sex often happened pretty early. I just wanted to know I liked the person.

      Now, I have a really different approach to it. I no longer enjoy casual sex. And where relationships are concerned, I want to take more time to get to know each other before going there. At 40+, people have more life history and also (often) have the social skills to present themselves in a more polished way. It can take more time to find out who the whole person is – what they’re like when they let their guard down, and other relevant info. At this age, there is (often) more relationship-relevant stuff that would be too personal to discuss on the first date. I know that could apply to younger people too. But not so much for me. For me, that’s something that’s changed over time. For example, in my 20’s, I hardly knew anyone who had been married before or who had kids or other interesting Life Stuff that could come up. It was just college kids and then twenty-somethings enjoying an extended youth.

      I know that for some people, it goes the opposite way. I know some people get more comfortable with casual or early sex as they get older. And I can see that happening. But it’s just not for me. Another side of it is that, having seen what sex is like, I no longer feel the need to explore it and I’d rather just not take on the associated risks unless it’s with someone really unique and I feel that it’s worth it.

    7. nnn*

      I find it has been moving in the opposite direction for me. I have to know a person really well before the desire for sex emerges, and sometimes it doesn’t ever emerge.

      But also, when I was younger, it was more important to me to be dating someone and to be having sex. I felt like a failure if I was single or celibate. Somehow that importance has faded, and I’m now perfectly comfortable with the idea of never having sex again and with never having a relationship again, so there’s just no point when I’m not feeling it.

    8. MoopySwarpet*

      After a couple of sexually incompatible people, I try to get the chemistry sorted out as early in the relationship as possible. I don’t care how nice you are, if there aren’t sparks, I’m out. I don’t want to have incompatibility throw a bucket of cold water on an otherwise pleasant relationship.

      I can usually tell if we are at least reasonably compatible in personality within a short period of time. Although, I do prefer to have a couple of phone calls (or equivalent interactions) before an in person meeting so the date is more about chemistry.

    9. Canuck girl*

      I like that you asked this. Still seeking my one and only guy atm (insert lovelorn eyes and a deep sigh haha), so not an issue, but I’ve wondered that myself before. The last guy that I was seeing, I surprised myself a bit…or perhaps not, that I was ready sooner than he was…but it was good in that sense that he had no expectations wrt when we would be intimate. So for me that was date 4. And I realized that I have to be exclusive before getting down with the guy, which we were by that point. There were other issues and it ultimately didn’t work out, but it goes in line with what others said…do it when you want to and feel comfortable. And I wanted it at date 4, that’s that. I’ll add that we knew each other as acquaintances before date 1 ever happened, so that’s definitely a part of having felt comfortable. I’ve had sex on date 1 before and that was pretty darn good too, and that relationship lasted a while, but we also had know each other and each other’s friends previously. I get the fear of someone murdering me lol, I’d totally have that feae if it was a stranger/someone I had met online. Gotta get to know them first, feel out who they are.

      1. No Name*

        Another happily married for a long time so this is based on when I last dated. I need an emotional connection before my libido kicks in. It is only after I get to know them as a person that I start feeling sexual interest, and even then, it usually didn’t happen. It is not a “morals” thing, it just seems to be how I am wired. I get along easily with people on a shallow level but a genuine connection is rare. I dated my poor husband for six months before we slept together (we started dating almost immediately after meeting for the first time). I lucked out that my first love is still awesome at making me happy and our chemistry remains strong. If I had to go back to dating, I just can’t see sex happening quickly unless I was already close friends with them.

        1. allathian*

          This definitely.
          I started late, I was socially awkward and shy when I was a teenager, so I was 18 when I had my first kiss, but that didn’t lead any further, and 23 when I had sex for the first time with another person (plenty of self-pleasuring, though), although that was a casual encounter with a guy I never met again. Shortly after that I met a guy that I dated for a couple years even if I regret not leaving him earlier than that. We were never sexually compatible and for the last six months or so we were basically celibate.
          For about eight years between leaving my ex and meeting my husband, I had a few FWB. That was fun for as long as it lasted, and with all of them I had to be comfortable with them as friends first before any benefits could happen.
          When I met my husband through mutual friends (my bestie’s husband was coworkers with one of my husband’s friends) the chemistry was instant. If I hadn’t been on my period, we would probably have ended up having sex after the first date. As it was, we waited until the second.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      When I first started dating my ex-husband, I think we waited about four months before we had sex, but we were in our early 20s when we got together. After we split up, I had a wild couple of months that involved a few one-night stands (in a bid to ‘get it out of my system’ and feel a bit more experienced, which in hindsight wasn’t the great idea although I should add I was always safe), and then when I started dating again it was usually between dates three and five. But I’m of the view that, as long as you’re being safe, then you should do it whenever it feels right for you and the other person involved.

    11. Anon for this*

      First date or never (after leaving school). My relationships lasted 4 years, 7 years and 8 years and counting (now married). So in my experience it doesn’t lead to short term things necessarily.

  5. Nessun*

    Thank you so much everyone who commented last week when I was so Done With Everything. I was in a bad place in my head, and I have now managed to climb out a bit; I continue to push forward and look for more coping mechanisms. I know I’m hardly the only one feeling Alone and just Completely Over It All – I hope anyone else in that boat can see me in there too, trying to keep paddling. Good luck to us all.

    1. Misty*

      I’m glad you’ve managed to climb out of it a little! I see you in the boat too and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week. Stay well.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Paddle on! I have to believe it will get better. Notice I did not say “great”, but better than it has been. I am trying to be careful not to get ideas about what “better” looks like, as there will be less disappointment for me later on.

  6. Editor*

    My fantasies these days are all about home improvements. About having someone come in and repaint my front room, for instance. I even went back and read an old favorite romance novel to savor the hero’s gorgeous year-round residence on the coast of Maine. But I actually have no desire to have anyone come into my house because I want to avoid getting sick until more is known about Covid-19.

    I keep hoping there will be a time this summer when the virus retreats a bit and I can get an electrician and plumber into the basement so I can add outlets and connections for a spare no-frills refrigerator and a backup washer. Now that I am buying groceries every two weeks via pickup and had a scare with my regular washer appearing to be leaking, I am seriously contemplating adding all this stuff even though I live alone. I have no clue if my retirement savings should be dipped into for this project. Plus, I have a couple of home maintenance wiring and carpentry issues to deal with.

    What I really want is for — well, other than Covid-19 to disappear — is for businesses to say what they’re doing about distancing and so on. I want to be able to trust an electrical estimator and then the electrician to not crowd me in my awkward basement. I want to know the person who does the air conditioner maintenance will wear a mask when they’re running around the bedroom floor (not going to make them wear one in the attic where I never go).

    All of this desire to turn the house into a prettier, safer siege-withstanding fortress is probably about anxiety, but I still want to look at paint chips. Sigh.

    1. Pennyworth*

      Would you be able to repaint the room yourself ? The only time a painted a room I found it very satisfying. I read up on how to do it properly, and I took way longer than a professional, but I was very proud of the result. My only caveat is that if you are going up a ladder you need to set up a system for getting help fast if you fall.

      1. Editor*

        I might be able to repaint, but the last time I did the job looked amateur. Very amateur.

        I don’t particularly like painting, and the last time I had work done on the house, the painter was just so great. He removed the radiator covers (I had no idea they came off), painted the radiator covers, repaired all the dings and smoothed out the walls and ceiling, and the paint job looked fantastic. The front room has some water damage aftereffects to deal with, (the previous owner’s) fake plastic crown molding to be removed, radiators, lots of woodwork, a fireplace with fussy molding, plus random holes and dents. And the painting crew shifted all the furniture, which I could not have done.

        So yeah, stuff I might have done myself when I was younger is just not stuff I want to do now. I am not good at patching walls, and I don’t really like going up and down ladders these days.

        2. old curmudgeon*

          You are very, very wise. I decided to paint the kitchen over Thanksgiving weekend last fall, and it was Very Very Very Not Fun. My legs, back, shoulders and arms complained for days, and frankly the result looks lousy to boot. Gonna pay a professional to tackle the rest of the house, and possibly to redo the horrible job I did in the kitchen.

          I have immense, huge, incredible respect for tradespeople. They get a bum rap from many sources nowadays (“go to college so you can work in an office, trades are old-fashioned”), but boy, howdy, would we all be in a world of hurt without painters, plumbers, electricians and carpenters.

          1. Editor*

            When I had the bathrooms redone a few years ago because of various leaks and tile problems, I found every single worker — the painter, various laborers, the carpenter, the drywaller (balancing on stilts!), the plumber, the electricians, and the contractor himself — to be knowledgeable and professional. It was impressive. I don’t know why people think that understanding plumbing means parts of the brain have been flushed of intelligence. And why do people who wring their hands about not understanding math put down electricians, who know more about electricity than the average high school science teacher and more about the politics of building codes than the average political science major?

            Of course, I was not so impressed with the contractor who came to do an estimate and pitched a fit because my husband wasn’t there to discuss the job. I had to tell him that unless he could raise the dead, he was out of luck, and I escorted him out. But I try not to generalize about the trades based on a few jerks.

        3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          It’s funny, all the painters (all 2 of them) my family ever hired, we went back and touched up the mistakes afterwards. Which is why we only hired 2 painters, because we just did it ourselves after that. It’s also why I am good and fast at painting.

    2. Quest*

      Would it be possible to have the electrician in without any contact? If the outlets you want are in your basement, and your circuit breaker is there too, and (this is the big one) you have a basement door of some kind (bulkhead etc) or even a VERY straight shot from a main door in and downstairs, you could have the work done and then just avoid the area for a few days.

      I have a medium level risk tolerance and this, to me, seems Low (not “no”) risk.

    3. Quest*

      Oh- and if your question is do you need. Spare refrigerator and back-up washer…no. It will be cheaper to buy a new no-frills washer when it fails then to add electrical and buy a second one.

      I wouldn’t think a second fridge is necessary For one person. I have a family of 5 and we shop every 10 days or so now. I have a chest freezer but all that is in it right now is pie crusts, popsicles, and a turkey from thanksgiving (oops). I do leave some not perishables in my garage on a shelf to save space.

      If you do need one though, could it go in a garage or even somewhere on the second floor where you already have power (dining room, sun porch?). I don’t think we will be living like this forever. I’d think a cheapie fridge is ~$500. For that money you could just order groceries a bit more frequently and save the hassle.

      1. Editor*

        I am only doing groceries by pickup, and those appointments have been hard to schedule less than ten days out. Things are beginning to loosen up, so maybe the second refrigerator might not be as necessary. But at first, even getting a pickup slot was a challenge.

        My current refrigerator is not as big as others I have had — the location requires a fridge that is shallower and not as tall as the larger ones available now. I buy a lot of produce, and cramming in a whole new order while trying to keep air circulating to prevent having frozen cauliflower or bell peppers in the back has been a challenge. Buying two weeks of dairy products, eggs, juice, and produce has maxed out the capacity.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        I have an active 401K and another from an old job that is just sitting quietly..been wondering if I should pull some $$$ out of the idle one to chew down some smaller “why do I even have this” debt (student loans are explainable to anyone, credit cards not so much) and roll the rest into my current account. The active 401K account has a bit less than 2x the value of the old one…at my old job I wasn’t paid enough to make meaningful contributions and they didn’t do 401K matching.

        1. Nynaeve*

          You can contact the people who run your 401Ks and ask if you can roll over the smaller account into the larger one. They do this all the time and it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you take the $ out, there are tax penalties. So definitely do it for anything other than an “I’m about to be bankrupt or homeless” emergency.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Look at the investment types too. For example, if you bought into a money market when stocks were high, it has quite likely lost some value, and you would be better off waiting until the stock market rebounds.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Yeah, this isn’t a great time to take investments out of the stock market.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been trying to hire a handyman to do some minor repairs to my parents’ house. I contacted one whom I had used before and he’s booked solid through the summer and said maybe in the fall. It’s hard trying to find someone good.

    6. Bluebell*

      In the last month we had two service people in the house. One was fantastic, came in when we were upstairs, and we left a check for him. He’s done work for us before, and we know he’s terrific about cleaning up even in noncovid times. Company 2 had info about masks and cleaning all over their FB pages, but the two people who came didn’t wear masks. We stayed in another room and then talked to the managers afterwards. They told us they are trying to communicate more with customers so that they do a better job. It’s been 2+ weeks now, but I don’t think I’d use them again.

    7. Anonymouse for this*

      Could you post the name of the book? Maine is on my bucket list of places to visit – thinking road trip looking at lighthouses, kayaking and visit to the Duck of Justice in Bangor police dept – love their Facebook posts

      1. Editor*

        The book is out of print and not out in an ebook edition, but the title is Again the Magic by Lee Damon (Jane H. Look). It came out in 1982 and is a Richard Gallen contemporary from Pocket Books. Trigger warning: this book deals with a heroine who is a survivor of domestic violence, and there are several scenes where her experiences are described explicitly. Heroine owns a bookstore, so there’s some defending-romance-genre stuff, too, along with all the retro stuff that comes with contemporaries written thirty or forty years ago. But the house is great.

    8. MissDisplaced*

      So, my state didn’t have a full “lockdown,” in fact many stores have been open the entire time, such as hardware stores, grocery, and big retail like Target and Walmart. You’d think that in three months they would have solved the social distancing and safety thing. But they didn’t.

      My hubs went to Home Depot yesterday to get a fuse and electrical part for the basement. He said the line stretched all the way outside into the garden area, packed with people standing close in line and many with no masks on even (even though masks are required to enter the store–many people refuse to wear–because “FREEDOM” right). He didn’t feel comfortable waiting at least an hour in line with people like that to buy two things. The thing is, the stores and states can TRY but unless government actively enforces safety rules, people will refute, refuse and ignore them. I live in a place where many people still refuse to wear their auto seat belt, even though it has been law for years–completely disregarding all factual evidence that it saves lives.

      I find it pretty selfish and sad that America has sunk so low.

    9. Sunset Maple*

      I’ve had a clogged toilet for over a month. All the usual homeowner attempts to fix have failed. We need a plumber, which is not feasible right now.

      My spendthrift husband bought a pack of those over-the-bowl clip-on air fresheners, because why clean something properly when you can waste money on fruity chemical crap instead? Then he broke the clip by slamming the lid down and accidentally flushed the air freshener. And here we are.

      As you can tell, I have Feelings about this whole situation.

      2. Quest*

        OMG that’s the worst. I’m not sure your situation but even here in MA where we are pretty closed up, a plumber and clogged toilet would be pretty essential!!!

    10. RagingADHD*

      The only time you should dip into retirement savings for work on your house is if the condition presents an imminent danger to you or to the structural integrity of the building. (Fire hazard in wiring, flooding/risk of sinkhole in the basement, carbon monoxide/radon hazard, etc).

      Don’t do it for upgrades. Upgrades you save for.

    11. Dream Jobbed*

      Painting is easy. Super Duper Easy.

      It’s the prep work that kills you, including the cutting in! For me painting takes a long time. When everything is prepped, and filled, and sanded, the cutting in takes forever – I have no artistic talent and a straight line between trim and wall is very slow and takes a lot of concentration. But finally you get to roll! And it all comes together.

      I paint myself because the professional don’t do it as well as I do, and they charge too much. (And yes, I will be touching up with a tiny brush for months.) But it’s about the only home repair I can do by myself and it looks so good when done! But you really have to put in the work to prep it.

  8. Hstrylvr*

    Posted awhile ago about my health issues and trying to find out what was wrong, alongside with my parents telling me that God had made me sick and if I returned to the Fundie religion I had left, I would be cured :(.
    The Doctor finally found out what was wrong with me, and I have been diagnosed with Lupus and Arthritis, with my kidneys not doing so hot. The Covid-19 crisis, weirdly, has been a blessing in disguise for me. I was furloughed, but I was able to get unemployment the same day I applied!!! and the time off alone in my house has allowed me adjust to the side effects from the medication I am now on. I am also pretty lucky in that I am an introvert and if I have Wi-Fi, I am good to go for any social interaction that I need while quarantining. The only bad thing that I really have to deal with, is dealing with the shortage of Plaquenil. My state decided to open early but so many of my coworkers were concerned about coming back to work that the boss decided to stay closed till June.
    Little bit of an Evil Cackle. The Pastor in the news alot, Tony Spell, is a LIBERAL offshoot of the religion that I left, so it has been kinda nice to see the deserved slamming that they are getting from the general public. It is nice to get reassurance that I was not crazy to have left

    1. Blue Eagle*

      Sending positive thoughts and energies your way. So sorry to hear of your parents gaslighting you but glad to hear that medical professionals have diagnosed your health issue and you are on the way to getting proper treatment.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      I’m glad you’re getting the medication you need!

      Also, for what it’s worth, your parents are awful and you are allowed to worship who, how, and if you want to.

    3. fposte*

      I’m so glad you finally got a diagnosis and some medical support. Good luck on the Plaquenil.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      If X religion cured lupus there would be millions of members of that faith.

      Seriously, I am very glad you found some proper help and that you feel supported now. Congrats on climbing your own personal Mt. Everest.

    5. Can’t Sit Still*

      Plaquenil is wonderful! I didn’t realize how much of a difference it made until I had to start rationing it. I was allowed to get a refill a couple of weeks ago and what a relief! The pharmacist grilled me to make I wasn’t going to sell it or something, though. I literally limped into the pharmacy, my hands were stiff and I explained I’d been rationing and they were still suspicious. I hope it continues to work for you and you’re able to get the appropriate amount.

      Also, there is a sizable exvie (ex-evangelical) community online, if you’re not already familiar.

    6. Frankie Bergstein*

      Congratulations on finding your way to a path that’s authentic and supports your wellbeing! There are lots of good stories from others leaving faiths that challenged their wellbeing (I am mentioning that in case you feel alone). I really enjoyed the books by Carolyn Jessop — Triumph and Escape — because she’s so strong and created a better life for herself and her kids. Those books made me realize what a difficult, courageous thing you did!

  9. Word Prefect*

    Feeling oddly at peace with the world at the moment despite everything that is going on out there. I’ve been busy with work this week and now I’m looking forward to a morning tidying the garden, potting up various plants, then sowing some seeds. The weather is bright and warm, with breeze enough to dry the laundry I’m about to start running. I feel mildly guilty for enjoying myself in a crisis but given how stressful things have been in recent weeks I’m also grateful for this tiny respite.

    1. MistOrMister*

      I had a not very good week last week. Nothing bad really, I just lost all motivation to do anything besides work. I had been trying to do at least one productive thing around my house each day as I try to get things in order. Yesterday was my first day back at it, and like you, today I plan to do garden tidying and planting and look forward to it! And I also feel more peaceful today. I think if we can feel good in these times, it behooves us to do so and not feel guilty! There is enough suffering. Let’s be mellow and hope we give off mellow vibes that spread the peace!!!

      Are you about to take up running as a new thing? I keep trying and it keeps not happening. But we’ve been told we’re home most likely until July now, so I’ve got time to try again. Getting into running is more difficult for me because I only like to run in the morning. I can do other exercises at any time of day or night. But running has to be early morning, preferably while it’s still dark, which I find soothing. I know it’s a mental thing, but if I try to run during the day or evening, I end up with a horrible stitch in my side.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        That may not be totally mental, think of how little food is in your system at the beginning of the day as opposed to the end of the day. My mom always claimed that stitches in my side or because of something digestive in progress.

        1. Katia*

          Hi! I used to do a short run in the mornings, but I at least,eat half yoghurt before going out, and more after I come back. For me it was a “shame” thing, in the morning there is a lot less of people, and it’s usually so nice. The air is crisp, and all that. Plus, I tend to skip the workout if I try to do it in the afternoon, something almost always comes up.
          About the pain in your side, its probably because you are breathing wrong, or going too fast. I try to keep a rhytm im breathing, going in and out nice and slow. If i get pain in the side, I try to go slower or just walk, it depends

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      No need to feel guilty! I suspect that a lot of people are enjoying these simple pleasures.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      When I was growing up, most places closed on Sundays. While I am not a fan of blue laws, I do actually see value in one day of rest. The world is moving crazy fast and we have no rest any more. Then along comes Covid-19. I think about the shut down period and I wonder if we (society) will decide to stop doing life at 90 mph and chose a saner pace.

      1. Dramamethis*

        No need to feel guilty! I feel compassion and hate that people are sick & dying and that businesses are suffering but I’m choosing to see positive as well.

        I’m getting a lot more sleep due to adjusted hours and a vastly shorter commute time. I’m essential so still working, part of the time from home.
        I feel so much better physically and being somewhat introverted I’m ok with being alone with just my husband.

        We’ve rearranged our bedroom, purged a bunch of unnecessary clutter, enjoy zoom calls with friends & family and get out for walks.

        I feel like the universe has forced us all to slow down.

        Have a happy weekend everyone!

      2. Floof*

        Seconding the return of a day of rest. When most businesses were closed on Sundays, time seemed more …mellow.

  10. StellaBella*

    Good weekend all! I have just read a couple of news articles on HuffPost, NYTimes, NatGeo about the strange dreams a lot of my friends and family are having with the virus making us isolate. Fascinating how your brain processes stuff. This week I dreamt that my emotionally stunted ex bf walked in on me making my own funeral preps-I was using my parents’ long mahogany coffee table as a Viking ship prep for the pyre- he asked what I was doing, then said, oh… And went off to meet a professor friend of his for a beer like it was no biggie. This dream helped me process some things that clearly were lingering for past couple of years. And last night I dreamt a friend had a baby girl and named it Satan and even as a brand new baby, Satan was laughing and cooing like a toddler while my friends and I toasted her with champagne and shared a Dunkin Donuts bag with the construction workers at the house next door.

    1. Fikly*

      I had a dream the other day that I forgot I was flying cross country when I was meant to be sleeping before my next shift at the thing we do not mention on weekends, and was all worried I was going to be too exhausted to do that thing.

      My sister, meanwhile, had a dream I was living in Brooklyn and dating a drug dealer, and then texted me to thank me for not doing that. I guess she wins the dream sweepstakes?

      1. StellaBella*

        Good for you and your sister for sharing dreams and yay on not dating a Brooklyn drug dealer in her dream or reality!

      2. Misty*

        Your sister thanking you for not doing something that you were doing in her dreams is the opposite of when people get upset that someone did something or said something to them in their dreams!

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Current stress dream winner for me is getting rabies and then shot by an anti-vaxxer, but having to pry open my ribs with a crowbar to feed little chestburster babies (yes, like from alien) comes in a close second.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I really do think there is an energy out there and we somehow absorb it. The night the Titanic went down many people dreamed of other people in a large body of water calling for help. Oddly, a family member of mine had this dream. What was interesting is the doctor had ordered her to avoid news because of her health. She had no reference points from anywhere to have triggered this dream. Odd.

      There have been a couple nights where I just could not sleep. The only way I can describe it is that the world felt restless. I am not sure why those nights were worse than other nights.

      1. StellaBella*

        yes, this is something I have had too, and a few friends as well, a general malaise anxiety.

    4. Jaid*

      I dreamt that my parents were being gossiped about for job corruption but it turned out that they were just hiding that they were into massages by a dominatrix. And I was saying well, they’re not corrupt, so who cares?

      Yeah, I have no idea where that one came from.

    5. lazy intellectual*

      I’ve always been someone that has vivid dreams, and I’m continuing to have vivid dreams, but somehow they are more normal/pleasant than usual? A lot of them involve having conversations with various people in my life – clearly about topics that I want to talk about with them, but either don’t want to do in real life or are not well-suited to weekly Skype chats. (For example, I have a friend I generally get along with, but has this One Annoying Habit. In my dream, I was telling her about it. It was very calm – not a fight or anything.)

      I’ve been having A LOT of pretty pleasant dreams of hanging out in my favorite places around town or foreign cities I have visited in the past. I obviously miss going out.

    6. Blueberry*

      Ugh, I keep having unrestful dreams that make me wake up out of breath and exhausted. A recent one was that I went to an old job of mine by accident rather than my current job, and because of construction I couldn’t get to a bus stop to get to my actual job, and I ended up flying through the air but not in an enjoyable way but a frantic careening way.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      My dreams have been as dull as my life lately. Although last night, I dreamed I was sitting on a sofa in a coffee shop with some Buddhist friends from my old group. It was nice and comfy; I didn’t want to wake up.

  11. Subscription boxes UK*

    I’m looking for a subscription box for my friend in the UK. It’ll be a birthday gift for her (for 1-3 month, depending on the price. I’m thinking beauty or maybe self-care although she’s not into scented candles, tea/coffee, and doesn’t have a bath tub.
    She likes experimenting with quality beauty products, likes fashion jewellery, would enjoy a glass of wine with a book (not an avid reader though). I’ve tried googling but most boxes I found seemed to contain plenty of coupons, and I don’t want to gift something that says 20% off on your monthly home gym subscription.
    Is there a product you love or avoid?

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      The “This Morning” channel on YouTube had Alice Beer presenting some gift boxes a couple of days ago, so it should be easy to find. There was jewellery, cocktails and a decorate your own doughnuts as I recall.

    2. Regular Reader*

      This is more food related than you were perhaps looking for but there is a well known UK firm in Yorkshire called Bettys. They mail order cakes of all kinds including birthday cakes. I’ve used it and the communications about delivery are excellent. Prices are reasonable too for the service.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I love Betty’s. I grew up in North Yorkshire and went to university in York, and it was always such a treat even just to go for a browse there, much less buy anything. I actually celebrated handing in my final university essay with a Fat Rascal (hybrid of a teacake and a fruit scone) and a pot of their house tea blend, and it felt so utterly decadent on my student budget!

      2. Cambridge Comma*

        An unexpected Betty‘s gift tin is the best thing I have ever received in the post.

    3. Copenhagen*

      The Youtube-channel “SortedFood” has gone through different UK-based boxes during the last couple of weeks. Mainly food and drink focused, but maybe it’s worth checking out? I think they had one with cocktails that wasn’t that expensive.

    4. NeverNicky*

      Not entirely in the areas you mentioned, but I like Veronica Dearly’s stationery subscription boxes (but you have to like her style and the odd f-word), Bloom and Wild Flowers, and The Courtyard Dairy cheese boxes (pricey but OMG! visited the shop last year, lovely people and had a cheese toastie I still daydream about)

      2. Now I'm hungry*

        I couldn’t resist checking out The Courtyard Dairy’s website. Did you know they offer cheese towers to use as wedding cakes?!? Sounds delicious.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          Cheese “cakes” are quite the thing! We went to a wedding where the evening buffet food was that plus crackers/chutney/fruit/celery etc and it was brilliant for mingling and also for controlling the worst excesses of drink.

        2. NeverNicky*

          When Mr Never and I get civilly partnered (which had been tentatively mooted for September this year probably 2022 because there will be a backlog for register office timings) our party to celebrate will feature one of those “cakes”. Nothing else is agreed, except this and surname use!

    5. Subscription boxes UK*

      So many great suggestions, thank you so much! I’m going to check out all of these. I didn’t realize there are so many food options out there as well. Thanks again!

      1. Jules the First*

        This is my go to – gifted a lovely olive oil subscription a few years ago and more recently a book box, but my go-to is the Spicery. They post you recipe cards and all the spices to cook a three-course date night dinner for two. I’ve gifted these several times and always had rave reviews.

    7. Kathenus*

      I’ve become a really big fan of giving nature sound machines for relaxation related gifts, and for when someone is in the hospital. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback that some people really enjoy them. They come in basic to high tech, but might be an option to consider.

    8. Jaid*

      Just make sure it’s shipping to her area! I’ve had deliveries from Germany and Japan canceled or put on hold for months…

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      Have you had a look at Birchbox? It’s a beauty subscription box that sounds like it could be just the thing you’re after (I haven’t used it for a couple of years but when I did it was things like fancy shower gel, nice body lotion, makeup products etc).

    1. NeverNicky*

      It’s doing well.

      My first tomatoes have set, my lettuce hasn’t been attacked by pigeons and my fennel seedlings are thriving. My dill seedlings didn’t like being potted on though.

      I’ve taken cuttings of sage, lavender and rosemary so fingers crossed they root. The idea of something for nothing is exciting, after what I spent on perennials this spring, although it was worth it.

      My lovely Gertrude Jekyll rose is blooming and the scent is amazing!

      I hope that those who have gardens are able to enjoy them this weekend and that those who don’t are able to visit (responsibly) some green space.

    2. PX*

      I got some seedlings for “salad leaves” a few weeks ago from a neighbour who had a lot going spare but…I’m not actually sure what to do with them? I dont have a garden so everything is in pots for me, and I have some large pots and compost. I’m just not sure how big they are meant to get or when I know they are ready to eat, so I’m just procrastinating about repotting them really.

      Are they meant to get big? How big? When can I eat them? So many questions that I’ve been too lazy to Google.

      None of my plants seem to be doing well at the moment and its getting me a bit down weirdly. They all seem to be alive, but…not really growing or getting bigger. I have a pepper plant from last year that looks like it wants to die but continues to cling on which in some ways is worse. It flowered last week but then the flower rotted and fell off rather than turn into fruit which was just sad. I feel very *Igiveup.gif* at the moment.

      1. AY*

        I have also gotten way more emotionally attached to my plants’ growth this year. I feel like I should be able to control at least that during all this! But we had that vicious cold snap last weekend, and I think it really damaged a couple things. We’ll see if they can recover, but I do need to take plant death less personally.

      2. RagingADHD*

        If it’s lettuce or mesclun mix, they only get about 6-8 inches tall (until they bolt – but you don’t want to eat them by then anyway).

        You can start harvesting leaves as soon as

        a) the individual leaves are big enough to be worth eating, and

        b) they have more than 4 leaves, so you can always leave at least 2 to keep growing.

        2. kt*

          Or you can just rip out the whole thing (at any time you want to eat it) and then plant something new there! :)

          I planted some lettuce and flowers in a pot. The lettuce is good for cool weather and the flowers like warmer weather, so the lettuce is already 4 inches high and adding some greenery to the pot while the flowers are 1 inch high and adding little but possibility. So I’m just eating my way through the lettuce, with the idea that by the time the flowers are filling out, I’ll have eaten all the lettuce and the flowers will get that space.

      3. Nita*

        My (indoor) pepper drops most of its flowers. It only grows one pepper at a time – I wasn’t expecting any, so even the random peppers are a nice bonus. It seems to do better with more water and sunlight. I put a few pepper seeds in a pot with a tiny little bit less light – they sprouted and then just sat there with two leaves on them. Put more seeds in a pot smack next to the window – they’re growing like mad, will see if they also grow a better crop.

    3. Admin of Sys*

      The lockdown is useful for one thing – I can haul my poor tomato plants around to get them the 4+ hours of sunlight they need! My yard is terminally shade and the vast majority of the time I don’t bother with vegetables. But I figured I was going to be home anyway, so I planted tomatoes and squash in lined milk crates and every hour or two I drag them then next foot along the narrow migrating patch of sun. We’ll see if it works. :).
      (Oh, and my irises bloomed for the frist time in a few years! Yay!)

    4. Lizabeth*

      Looks like the temps at night have started staying warmer than freezing. Time to put the plants out! We’re getting rain for the next couple of days.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      It got wierdly cold here for a few weeks, so everything I had intended to harden off stayed inside getting leggier and leggier. I finally put everything out into the plastic greenhouse today and I’m going to start a new round of seeds when I get the time. I had someone come around to look at a tree I want to remove and I’m hoping that once that’s gone I will have some better places to put things. The last few weeks I have been working on a research project and so I haven’t done much outside, but I need to get back to my project of clearing out all the overgrown weeds and shrubs. My hedge is also insane but my city is going to be picking up green waste again starting this week so I will be able to cut it back bit by bit (after each shrub flowers — I have four different kinds of shrub in the hedge and they mostly flower at different times).

    6. Analyst Editor*

      Not at all…. or with weeds. I inherited a once-lovely, ambitious garden from a previous resident of my current home, and — never having had a garden or lawn to contend with before — have no idea where to start. Pruning the various hedges? Weeding all the weeds? Spraying everything with weed-killer? (Don’t want to, because I have young kids who will play in the grass.) Wait through the summer to see what grows? At a loss.

      1. JobHunter*

        Look up your local Master Gardener group. They’ll be able to advise you on getting started gardening. Many will struggle to get their required community service hours in this year (our state waived the requirements for this year). Email and phone contact will still count as service time for them, though.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The master Gardener ideas a good one. You can also try to see if the state has an agricultural extension in your area, or online even. Yes they do ornamental too.
        If you’re new to the house, keep track of what comes up and blooms when & where. Identify everything so you can be confident deciding to keep, transplant, or remove plants. That first year, pull weeds you know our weeds, and prune lightly. If you have to use pesticide, do it when the bees are not out, and avoid anything flowering.
        And by the way you have reminded me how far the garden has come from the un-tended mulch & garden rocks that I found my first spring here. Off to find my string trimmer to get the awkward corners!

        1. kt*

          Yes — and beyond just “identify what you can”, take pictures every month or so that all the stuff that you can’t recognize, you can get back to later if needed!

    7. Bluebell*

      Husband and I spent some time in the garden yesterday doing clean up. We also planted some old flower seeds- cosmos, four o clocks, and marigolds. It will be interesting to see if any germinate. The native geraniums are having a good year, and the dwarf lilacs are running behind.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Oh it’s GLORIOUS. Peas are climbing and starting to bloom. Beans and cukes are FINALLY up and thriving, chard is pumping, radishes have already been harvested, herbs are doing well (rosemary and mint especially), carrots and onions are looking good, spinach and lettuces looking better every day. Now we just need a couple weeks of heat for the tomatoes and peppers!

      We’re trying to decide what to put in the radish spot when they’re done. We have plenty of lettuce and spinach seeds but I’m thinking about something fun for winter — the raised beds are going to get the polytunnel treatment once we start getting autumn frosts so we can keep harvesting into the later parts of the season. We’ve kicked around the idea of brussels sprouts so we can have them straight from the garden for Thanksgiving!

    9. LQ*

      Not a grown-up garden, but the tiny little aero and click gardens are sprouting nicely, only 1 failed. The lettuces are almost edible sized. I’ve never had a tomato in these so we’ll see how they do, but just that they LOOK like tomato leaves at this point has me delighted.

      (And my sister sent over a very long snapchat with all of her garden stuff and promises to share every week, it’s all looking amazing. I mean, mostly tiny little nothing and patches of wet dirt, but it’s really well laid out above ground beds that they’ve spent a few weeks working on construting.)

    10. KoiFeeder*

      After 50 days of having a pot of wet dirt in the refrigerator, something is starting to get thirsty and require watering. I hope it’s what I actually planted in there. 130 days to go…

      1. Tarantula Spinner*

        Dying to know what you’ve planted!

        I put out my tomato seedlings and the leafy greens today – the first week without a frost warning so I’m tentatively hopeful. Planted some carrots and reseeded the butterfly garden, too.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Autumn Crocus! I, uh, kinda forgot that it needs 180 days in the refrigerator after you planted it when I planted it, so I’m not sure it’s alive. But something’s been drinking, so I’m quasi-hopeful.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Often the refrigerator thing is to give it a “winter” so the plant knows it’s time to grow & bloom. I’m told fridge time can trick tulips into blooming out of season, or to bloom at all in areas where the weather doesn’t get cold enough. I’m in New England…too many squirrels to attempt tulips in the first place.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              Well, it’s going to be an indoor plant, so it was just sitting in balmy 72º dirt for a week or so before I shoved it in the fridge. Here’s hoping I didn’t kill the poor thing.

            2. allathian*

              European brown squirrels don’t eat tulips, but we have to grow them in raised beds so they aren’t eaten by rabbits. Hares don’t seem to care for them, but our city rabbits, descendants of tame rabbits that have gone feral and manage to survive in the wild, love them.

    11. Ali G*

      Hey Plant People I have a question:
      Do I need to do something special to make my milkweed bloom? I got seedlings 3 years ago and planted them. This is the third growing season and they have yet to bloom. They grow like crazy and every year I get more, but they don’t bloom! Any suggestions? Do they need fertilizer or something? Help!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I am not a plant person, and milkweed is a mystery to me, but the milkweed in the front yard steadfastly refused to bloom for five whole years until some milkweed tussock moths found it. Then it bloomed.

        So, maybe you need caterpillars?

      2. Venus*

        My smaller ones don’t bloom. They seem to bloom as they age, but I don’t know how long it takes. I think mine are in 2-3 seasons, but I haven’t kept good track. I do nothing and they grow well.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Where are you and what kind of milkweed? The northern US variety and tropical milkweed are very different.

        1. Ali G*

          I’m in VA (Zone 7). I admit I forget what species, but it was from a local gardener so I know it’s OK for this area.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I have had a hard time getting re-motivated after a freeze. I have seeds that need to go in I have seedlings that need to go in I have plants that are ready to be moved outside… And I just want to sit and eat homemade bread.
      But on the more positive side… the miniature irises somebody gave me last year took off and spread in a shady area of the yard. It looks like a few late-purchase lilies did successfully overwinter. And my husband suggested that we replace a flowering cherry with two apple trees. It’s an unimpressive variety, and its location next to the house means we might actually be able to keep the deer away. It also gives me an easy birthday present later in the spring.

    13. RagingADHD*

      We harvested and ate our first batch of green beans this week, along with continuing harvests of salad and cooking greens.

      My tomatoes are struggling a bit – we had a completely unseasonable cold snap last week. One spot I planted didn’t sprout at all, but I was able to transplant from another spot to fill it.

      Squash, cucumbers, and carrots seem to be coming along fine. Asparagus is over.

      Our sweet potato slips came in the mail this week. I should plant them today.

    14. Anonymath*

      Picked our first peppers and okra for the season. I’m trying two new (to me) types of okra, both advertised as tender even when larger. I just couldn’t keep up with daily okra picking last year and ended up growing huge inedible ones. Hopefully these two will come out better. Small volunteer cherry tomato seedlings are sprouting up on the side and I fully expect to be overrun later this summer. I’ve got some papaya seeds sprouting there too, so we’ll see what happens.

    15. Venus*

      I had asparagus for supper tonight, the tulips and daffodils and flox(? small light purple flowers) are blooming, and the rhubarb transplanted last fall is alive. My tomato and pepper seedlings are growing better this year than ever.

      I’m envious of anyone who has planted their tomatoes. I had hoped to put them in today but we will be close to freezing Tuesday night. So I wait. I should start the bean seeds and plant them next week. I know they don’t like transplanting but that’s different from just starting, hopefully.

    16. Garand not Andrews*

      I planted a wildflower mix last weekend and I already have seedlings up. I’m really late getting them in, but the heat is helping them sprout.

    17. Nita*

      I feel like I’m so behind. I’ve finally found time to garden, but it took me weeks to figure out logistics (I don’t live near the garden, needed to start new planters from scratch, needed to find time to drop by at least once a week…) And the nursery I used years ago is apparently overwhelmed, because they kept moving the date of my seed order up. If they’d just been honest up front that they don’t have the seeds in stock, I would have looked elsewhere… now I’ll get some seeds in June, and all I can do is put them in the fridge and hope they keep till next spring. I have got a few things to plant from around the house, so will see if they do ok. I just got them into the ground after starting them indoors, and it’s supposed to rain most of next week, so yay.

      Also all my lemon seeds sprouted indoors, after a month sitting in the pot. Now I have to read up on how to care for those finicky things. And I’m running out of places to put flower pots because the people that built this place didn’t believe in windowsills. It’s too bad none of us know how to hang shelves… that would probably solve the problem.

    18. StellaBella*

      It is growing well, my balcony garden has zucchini, melons, gladiolus, lavender, basil, aloe, tomatoes, potatoes, beans, radishes, poppies and sunflowers – in pots, on a pallet, and my balcony is about. 3ft x 4 ft. :)

  13. Pennyworth*

    Your Viking ship pyre dream just reminded me of the Billy Connolly movie, ‘What We Did On Our Holiday’. David Tennant was also in it, and Rosamund Pike. I loved it.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, I liked that one too. Written by the same people as the show Outnumbered, and with a not dissimilar vibe.

    3. Paradiddler*

      That was a great movie! Saw it a few months ago, keep telling people to watch it.

  14. Not Australian*

    I’ve recently reconnected with a distant cousin [‘Sally’], whom I contacted with the intention of exchanging family history information. Unfortunately it turns out she can’t help, but I still sent her some of the more interesting stuff I’d uncovered.

    A few days ago she contacted me again, and among other things she sent her love to my sister [‘Claire’].

    To be blunt, Claire and I hate each other and have had no contact for over twenty years. I won’t go into details, but apparently she’s made up her mind that I’m some kind of devious criminal and has done her best to poison my few remaining relatives against me. I’m honestly quite happy for them to believe whatever they like because I know the truth – and so do, for example, the relevant authorities – and if they’re prepared to think ill of me without more evidence than Claire’s say-so they’re not the sort of people I want to deal with anyway.

    Claire and Sally, however, have had no contact for many years; as Claire is the youngest of us she may not even remember Sally’s existence, and would have no way of contacting her if she did.

    So, what do I tell Sally? I want to say that I can’t give her any news about Claire because we haven’t spoken to each other for a couple of decades, and will probably add that I’m quite happy with the situation. (In fact, it was a huge weight off my mind.) I don’t want to drag out a lot of old family business and blame-throwing, but at the same time I want to be clear that as far as I’m concerned this separation is not an occasion for regret; in fact as time has gone on I’ve been more and more certain it was the right decision. Just because we’re related to people doesn’t mean we automatically like, respect or understand each other, and it’s sometimes better to face that reality and deal with it than to pretend everything in the garden’s lovely.

    Given the diversity of AAM’s commentariat I’m sure some people here have encountered similar situations. What did/will you do?

    1. Lady Farquaad*

      I don’t think details are necessary, however gratifying it would be to share them. “Claire and I are unfortunately not in contact” is fine. Every family has its drama and if Sally is a reasonable person she would understand and not pry further.

      1. kt*

        I guess I’d only tweak this to say, “We’re no longer in contact, which is better for me” or something like that, in case this is a person who’d take “unfortunate” to mean “I can be a hero by reconnecting them!”

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      Do you think you’re going to be in regular contact with Sally? Do you think you’ll develop any kind of relationship?
      If so, then it might be worth saying something like “Claire and I are no longer in contact, but it’s kind of you to think of her kindly.” Just so that you don’t get into a relationship and then have to say “oh, this is maybe awkward, but Claire and I are estranged.”

      But if you think this is ever going to be a superficial, email/social media-driven transaction of a fleeting nature, you can just ignore the sentiment and say nothing. Saying something is probably going to raise all kinds questions you’d rather not get into and to what end? Chalk it up as one of those polite things people say, like when they ask how you are or make small talk about the weather.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        This. You two aren’t really at the ‘discuss family drama’ level yet, so just ignore the comment. If she brings it up again, maybe say something like “Claire and I don’t have much to do with each other nowadays.”

    3. Lcsa99*

      I have a feeling the “love” was just a perfunctory, polite thing to say. Respond to the other things in the email you mentioned and ignore the mention of your sister. If in further communications she asks how your sister is or wants to contact her you can tell her that you aren’t in touch with your sister but until then, pretend it isn’t even there.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This is what I would do. Just pretend she asked you how the weather is by you. We don’t always answer that question. This is more of the same.

    4. Water Bug*

      You don’t need to say anything now. If she brings up Claire again, just say “oh, we’re actually not in touch” and change the subject.

    5. Misty*

      I’m not in contact with my older sister. When people say things like “say hi to sister for me” or “hows sister?” I literally straight out ignore it. Like maybe I should say I’m not in contact with sister or something, but I find that people have been nosier about it then I thought they would be so I will skip over the comment even if it’s a face to face conversation. But my situation may be different because this only comes up once or twice every few years and I find it to painful to discuss with people who clearly don’t know me well or else they would know that we’re not in contact with each other and haven’t been for ten years.

    6. Koala dreams*

      Just tell her that it’s better to send her love to Claire directly, since you don’t live together / hang out / talk. (Depending on how detailed you want to be.) Usually it’s quite easy to get in touch through social media, and in some places the old fashioned phone book has moved online to you can call too. It’s really not your problem if Sally hasn’t stayed in touch with Claire. It is a bit weird to deliver greetings for a sibling you don’t live with anyway, isn’t it? I mean, I have a sibling I’m staying in touch with, but I would be confused if someone asked me to deliver any greetings to them.

      I’m sorry about your tangled family history.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Oh, and you don’t need to explain anything if you don’t want to. Just stick with: “It’s better if you send your live/greet to Claire directly.” You can add a short explanation if you want to.

    7. MoopySwarpet*

      My youngest sister is estranged from the entire family. If a cousin (especially a “new” distant cousin) said this to me, it would depend partly on the method of communication. Verbally, I would say “I’m not in contact with Claire.” Or “I think you’ve talked to Claire since I have.” If the communication was written, I would just ignore it until pressed and then say one of the two previously mentioned things.

      I don’t see the value of bringing up the drama that caused our loss of contact even though it wasn’t in our control. I might give a short version if asked directly, though.

    8. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’m on team ignore. Or just say “OK”. If you become closer in the future you might want to discuss it but for now I’m sure it was just a polite thing to say and it would be weird if she asked you if you had said anything to your sister yet. I think any other explanation or remarks about how you aren’t in touch will inevitably lead to questions.

    9. allathian*

      In this situation, I think I’d ignore it for now. If this was just a casual contact, there’s no need to say anything. If you keep in touch and she brings it up again, you can still ignore her. If she insists, you can say that you’re not in contact with Claire and are happy with that.

  15. Lady Farquaad*

    Can anyone else identify with being super responsible and organised and the world rewarding you by making you do more and more until you buckle?

    I feel like my whole life I’ve been the person who gets sh*t done. Even when I was a kid. As a woman I now bear a disproportionate amount of emotional labour within our household. My parents have over relied on me to look after them. Even my aunt contacts me to ask about car repairs, etc because she doesn’t want to ask her teenage kids to Google this stuff.

    My parents-in-law are currently stuck in another country due to covid cancelling most flights. During their absence they asked me to check on their home and do basic maintenance. I’m fine with doing this but irritated that BIL hasn’t been expected to do anything. Even if he helped out once every five times, that’s fine. But he does *nothing* when it comes to family stuff because he is a lazy potato head. So PIL automatically come to me. I don’t know who irritates me more – my clueless BIL or his parents who think it’s fine for one child to do all the work.

    I’ve had major breakdowns for issues relating to this as well as therapy. So while I’m much better now at putting up boundaries it’s difficult to just stop being the go-to person altogether. Not that I want to stop everything – just in moderation. It’s hard to get the perfect balance.

    Not looking for advice on “how to stop being so useful” but reaching out to others who’ve experienced similar issues.

    1. Pennyworth*

      I think you are living proof of the adage “If you want someting to get done, ask a busy person to do it.’ I’m sorry potato head is so lazy and unreliable that all the work is falling on you.

    2. Alex*

      I can totally relate to being the “Person who is the person who does the things.” Although for me it has mostly shook out at work and in friend groups, as I’m single and far from my family (both figuratively and literally).

      For me, the frustrating thing isn’t that I’m asked to help people, but just that everyone just expects me to just do everything all the time. Even just small things, like being the one in charge of all the bills and communications with a landlord in a roommate situation….just like, for once, it would be nice if someone ELSE told the landlord that the garbage disposal is broken. Why is everything always my job? I encounter this trap at work, too. And again, I don’t mind being a competent high-performer! But having everything always default to me gets really old.

    3. Koala dreams*

      I am not in the same situation, but I’ve noticed some people act like if a person does some of task A, then they are also obligated to do more of task A, while the people who didn’t do anything about A aren’t. It isn’t just in social situations, but also when it comes to work. It seems like a moral rule, but nobody has ever spelled it out to me. It just is. I can say as a bystander, that it’s just as perplexing from the outside.

    4. Kathenus*

      Yes, yes, yes. Even as the youngest in my family, as an adult, I’ve always been kind of in the center of communication, been told that I was the ‘oldest’ in many ways in spite of being the youngest. My parents had split and tried to speak through me, my brothers didn’t get along and tried to speak through me. There were literally a few years where I was the only person who spoke with every other person in my immediate family. The kicker for me, when I tried to extricate myself from this role, was getting a phone call from a friend of my father’s who I had never met, when my father was in the hospital 1500 miles away, telling me he didn’t trust what the doctor was telling them and had been told that I was ‘the person in the family he should talk to’ about it. Such a draining position to be in at times. I guess it might be empowering in some instances, but in mine it felt more like having energy sucked out of me.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m glad you’ve done the therapy and have learned how to set boundaries. You need to set some more boundaries. Tell your aunt that you’re busy, and suggest she get her kids to help research. As for your in-laws, communicate that you’re happy to help but you’re stretched pretty thin, so can only go over every 2 weeks or whatever, so they’ll need to get someone else to help as well. They can deal with the lazy potato head, they created it. You can still be helpful without getting stuck with everything.

      And I do understand, I’m a get-sh*t-done person too. However, I fundamentally don’t care if I say no and someone gets upset. As a result, things have played out very differently for me. People who care about you, and are decent people, will not be angry because you set and enforced a boundary. The people who are trying to take advantage of you will be upset, and that’s perfectly fine.

    6. Jack Russell Terrier*

      I’ll put you onto / forward your email to my husband / your son so he can check the mail etc. saying you can do ABC for them but you’re full up for the rest and perhaps their son can do it. When they complain it hasn’t happened send them back to him, report on what you’ve done resend them to your husband. You might be some flack from them but only by making it unpleasant for your husband will he do anything.

    7. Pennalynn Lott*

      I, too, am The Responsible One in my family. And it just about killed me when I leaned into the role. Lots of therapy taught me to say, “You’ll find the answer with a quick Google search,” and “You’ll need to ask so-and-so because I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.” And also just, “Sorry, I can’t help you with that.” With people in my inner circle, I’ll look at them like they have three heads and say, “You honestly think you need my help with THAT???”

      So I know you said you don’t want advice on how to stop being so useful, but that’s really the only long-term solution. If I were in your shoes, I’d be pushing back *hard* on my spouse and tell them that they need to take care of their parents, not me. BIL is Spouse’s problem, not yours. As in, I’d be more pissed off at my spouse than I ever would be at BIL.

      As for the other requests, do what you can/want to and no more. Think of it as someone asking to borrow $1000 from you but you only have $500 in the bank. Do you give them all $500 and not pay your bills or buy food, while secretly seething about how they keep taking advantage of you and how they’re too lazy to do anything to come up with money on their own? Or do you look at that $500 and say, “Sorry, I can’t help you on that,” and then pay your bills and not starve?

      When you get to the point that you’ve got $2000 in the bank (by not automatically giving money away just because someone asked), then you can decide — on your own, ahead of time — how much of that you can spare the next time someone asks you for money. Always, *always* put your own oxygen mask on first.

    8. Not A Manager*

      People do what works best for them at the least cost to them. If your relatives have learned that asking you to do things gets good results with no drama or pushback, they’ll continue to ask you instead of asking more difficult people, or doing it themselves. That’s not necessarily because they have a Theory Of Assistance where you’re the designated person and your BIL is not. It’s just because they want their repairs handled.

      My best strategy has been practicing a bland refusal. It’s super-hard the first couple of times, because you’re not used to it and your audience isn’t used to it either. “Sorry, Auntie, I don’t know anything about car repairs.” (I started to put in something about how she or your cousin could google it, but I think even that is going too far into the project and invites more pushback.) Whatever the response is, your response needs to be, “Oh no, I can’t advise you about car stuff.” Don’t fall into the trap of adding more words. Why you can’t do it, or who could do it instead, or anything else turns it into a negotiation that you don’t want.

      I’d do the same with your PIL. If you’re truly happy to supervise some of the repairs, then do that. For the ones you don’t want to do, be blandly regretful that you won’t be able to get to it. Suggest that they find someone else to look into it, but don’t bother to suggest who. The point isn’t to get your BIL to do his share, the point is for you to stop being the point-person all the time.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I hope you chuckle knowingly.

      So I was pulled in all different directions. I learned how to give out fishing poles, not fish, etc.

      But one person still makes me shake my head decades later. Let’s call this person Family Member (FM). This person had difficulty winding the clock. After a year or so of winding the clock for them, we got this person a battery operated clock for Christmas.
      I thought FM was going to fall apart at the seams. “What do you mean a battery clock?” It will be much easier for you to take care of. “What do you mean *I* have to take care of it????” omg. It was well over an hour of explaining why we bought this. “Being self-sufficient is important!” We were informed that is what you have children for so they do all your work for you.

      And so it went. We bought a little gadget that you touch and the light comes on, no need to twist the knob. “OHHH! Well. Don’t PLAY with it, it’s not a TOY!”, FM said. Then when FM thought they were alone in the room they touched the gadget repeatedly to watch the light go on and off.

      We bought an adaptive equipment type item, it was a special knob for a water spigot. “There! See! Now you can turn the water on and off yourself!” Response: “Why do I need to do that? You always do it for me.”

      It was all I could do not to run away. We tried to explain that we had other things and people we were helping. My parents were both in the hospital, of course, not the SAME hospital. That would have been easier. “I don’t care if your parents are in the hospital, *I* come FIRST! ALWAYS!”
      Okay, now I really am running away.

      I do not miss those days.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I probably went through 10 years of this, finally the person passed away.
          Fortunately, I was naive (stupid) enough to keep thinking it would turn around and get better. I did end up drawing boundary lines.
          For example, we’d go to visit because we were ordered to visit THEN when we got there we were told “shhhh” because the tv was on. We got up and left, but not before saying that “It is really rude and hurtful to shush people in favor of a tv program ESPECIALLY since YOU DEMANDED that we come over. We are here. Now we have to be quiet because your show is on? No. That is not how this works. We are gone from the house over 10 hours per day just for our jobs. We do not have time for this. Good bye.”
          So we never had to compete with the tv again. But there was always something else coming up. Always.

          Conversations actually got quite candid because of all these issues that non-stop showed up. I felt like such a nasty person, but someone had to rope in all that was going on. I decided if I was going to stay in the situation I was going to call things as I saw them. And I did. Gosh, that was a lot of work.

          Where I landed with all this is that some people have just decided to be UNhappy. And no matter what we do they will remain unhappy because that is their goal. BUT, it also telegraphs how they are doing healthwise. A person like this is probably having early symptoms of something HUGE. And our person did have something huge. He had lived a very sheltered life and there was really no way to change a lot of that. He passed away in his own home from his illness. I doubt he will ever be thought of as a happy or grateful person.

          I still call things as I see them if I get pulled into a difficult situation with difficult people. That’s a lasting side-effect going on there.

    10. Lora*

      Heh, I WAS this person. After finally getting my mother into assisted living, I noped out from the role permanently. In life, at work, everywhere.

      At work, the Cool New High Profile Project would be given to Golden Boy (there was always a Golden Boy, fresh out of school or very nearly, and Boss always reckoned him Brilliant). Golden Boy would proceed to fk the project up seven ways to Sunday, and it was “fine, it was a really big project and he deserved a chance.” I would be called in to clean up the mess and make something of it. I would fix this big wonderful project…and Golden Boy would get the credit. Over and over again, I was the maid who cleaned up other people’s messes and got taken for granted.

      Same with family. Someone’s going to the nursing home or getting divorced or died and nobody else can be arsed to help them pack up and go through their stuff and try to find which earrings went to which auntie and which set of china went to which cousin? Lora will help since everyone else is too busy. I sewed a lot of baby quilts for people who couldn’t do so much as fix me a casserole when I was in the hospital.

      Same with friends: need help with moving, cleaning, walking the dog they didn’t play with, babysitting the kids and making sure they do their homework? Call Lora, she’ll have the dishes done and floor vacuumed and laundry sorted and dinner on the table in a couple of hours AND go over the Common Core math with Junior! Need a couch to crash on through your own ridiculous foolishness? Call Lora, with a sob story and a remark about her living all aloooooone in a big looooonely house. Now I don’t do any of that. someone invites me over and I bring a bottle of wine and sit on my butt and chat. Someone needs a place to stay, here’s a list of debt restructuring assistance places, homeless shelters, social services.

      It’s unbelievably liberating to be able to say, “I’m really sorry to hear that… here’s the Somewhere Else that can help you with this problem.” Un. believably. Liberating.

    11. Anon attorney*

      Yeah, I’m in that position too. It’s difficult because I actually am a person who gets things done and I don’t want that to change, but what yanks my crank is being taken for granted. People, remember your low maintenance, competent friends and family also sometimes need to be asked how they are and given hugs!

    12. tiasp*

      That’s me with volunteering. SOMEONE has to do it, and if no one else volunteers (which is A LOT of the time), it falls to me and a couple other core volunteers. We had one position open up that is quite a big commitment. We put it out that it didn’t have to be one person – if a group of people wanted to cover it, that would be great. Two people (who each said they had two or three people interested in taking it on as a group) asked for the list of duties that the previous person had left. One of them never got back to me and one of them replied that it was way too much to ask of a volunteer (and it is a lot to ask, but it’s not more than what I or a couple other people do). So it ended up being me and another person (who are both in multiple executive positions of both that group and numerous other organizations) covering it. On the bright side, usually there are at least a couple complaints a year about how it was run, and this year, not one word. I suspect because it was pretty clear that if anyone said anything, they were going to be invited to take it over.

      That’s just one example of many I could give of things ending up on my plate because they need to be one and no one else wants to do it.

      Thankfully, I am not the go to person with family issues.

    13. Observer*

      From the other side of this – if it helps at all I thank you for the reminder not to lean to heavily on the family members who just step up to the plate, and to both task the others who have an obligation as well as finding other options.

      I try to do that, but this is a key reminder that I NEED to *continue*.

    14. Avasarala*

      I have done this too. Ultimately I had to look at myself in the mirror and ask, did I enjoy the martyrdom of being so trusted and responsible? Or did I actually find it pressuring and exhausting? Because I couldn’t have both.

      I realized I was also pre-emptively taking away tasks from others because I didn’t trust them to do it, and I got a kind of sick satisfaction out of having slaved away at something because I was such a diligent, good person.

      I decided to step back, to trust others more, to let people figure things out for themselves or flounder a bit, and prioritize what things need me to do them and what just needs a push.

  16. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of May 17 to May 23, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

    1. PX*

      Happy Birthday to anyone celebrating this week!

      @Anon and alone: I always see these and think its so great that you do this every week. It makes me smile, and send out some good vibes to anyone who isnt getting to celebrate the way they would wish to.

      1. NightOwl*

        +1
        And I now have the song from Alice in Wonderland in my head…anyone else? “…But there are 364 UN-birthdays…” :)

    3. KR*

      Thank you for this. I’m turning 26 today and am really bummed because I want to be at the beach!

    4. Arya Parya*

      I’ve seen these a few times and this time it applies to me. My birthday is May 19th. So thank you! I really appreciate this.

    5. SydneyGerald*

      I’ve seen you do this week and after week and it’s really lovely :) My birthday is Monday, so thank you so much! And happy birthday to any other folks!

    9. Canuck girl*

      Thank you! It applies to me this week, my birthday’s on May 17th :) . I love that you do this every week :)

      And a Happy Birthday to all those celebrating this week!

  17. Vic tower*

    Pregnancy/trying/considering thread

    How is your pandemic pregnancy or plan going? Are health services changed much where you are? Did you have plans that are now on hold?

    1. Vic tower*

      I’m in Australia, 25 weeks, first pregnancy. Just started doing some planning – looking at cot/pram/car seat and all the many bits and bobs. My sister is living with us in the future nursery but moving out soon!

      COVID 19 has meant my hubby couldn’t come to some appointments and at the moment would be the only visitor allowed in hospital but otherwise health system here is going back to normal.

      IVF services here were suspended for two months but just starting up again, one of my friends is in the early stages of this for her second child.

      I’m feeling good. Reflux ++ but otherwise no complaints. It’s hard to have limited contact with friends and family, and I feel nervous about patient contact at work, but overall, things are improving.

      How are you guys doing?

    2. Copenhagen*

      It feels a bit odd to be stuck at home while I slowly get bigger and bigger. And to the people around me, it’ll seem like I went from tiny baby bump to MASSIV in the span of minutes, when they see me again.

      But besides this, things are fine. Health care here in Danmark is doing a-okay and the only real change is my partner not being allowed to go with me to my appointments at the hospital. I’m just puttering around and enjoying feeling the baby kicking.

      1. Vic tower*

        I love the baby kicking feeling! Glad to hear healthcare there is not too altered

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m 28 weeks now, and in NYC. I haven’t yet been to a hospital but my obgyn office stays open, but they only limit it to patients and everyone must wear a mask.

      I had plans to have a baby shower and just to do general shopping, the baby shower is definitely cancelled and general shopping I am waiting until things improve in July, otherwise online shopping it is.

      Physically it’s been OK, mentally it’s been tough.

      1. Vic tower*

        I wasn’t sure if I wanted a baby shower, but am sorry that the option is no longer there.
        Where are you online shopping (which sites)? Have you got the big stuff, like cot etc yet?

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Well, I don’t know about the baby shower, it’s still up in the air but keeping my expectations low I guess? A friend offered to host it and we planned it and set a date and a guest list but then COVID literally happened a few days later. I brought it up 2 months later, and her answer wasn’t definitive. I feel awful for bringing it up, and I don’t intend to ever again.

          I created my registry on Babylist but that’s more of a list for myself. And I have a spreadsheet to check off everything. We probably wont’ begin to make all hte purchases until July hopefully.

          1. Vic tower*

            I’m just gearing up really. My sister should be moving out of the future nursery by next weekend and then we can focus a bit more on furnishing, painting etc. I almost don’t want to think about it too much because there’s quite a lot of stuff to get once you start!

    4. BeeBoop*

      We just started our first IVF cycle after trying for 18 months. Our state is opening up but the quiet is really helpful for me getting to the many appointments and being home

    5. kz*

      I’m 33 weeks, due at the endof June. I’ve been getting prenatal care from midwives in a birth center (not necessarily the norm in the US) and I’m so grateful – they’ve been very proactive about communicating and knowing I most likely won’t need to go a hospital is a relief. I’ve had a couple telemedicine appointments but will be going back to in person appointments starting in a few weeks. I had plans for two baby showers, but we cancelled those and I did a bunch of small zoom showers instead. I’m also very grateful that my family and friends have been so supportive and sent lots of gifts to my house.

      The biggest stressor has been talking to family about restrictions on visiting after baby arrives :(

      1. Vic tower*

        Yeah, it’s hard not knowing when you’re favourite people will get to cuddle your baby for the first time. Have you got pretty much everything you wanted for nursery etc now? Are you still working?

        1. kz*

          We are actually moving about four hours away shortly after baby is born (hopefully 4-6 weeks depending on when baby decides to arrive). So we dont need a full nursery in this house, but in a few weeks we will probably start setting up the bassinet and a corner of our room to be baby’s space. We have almost everything we need at this point, just waiting on a few things we are borrowing or getting secondhand from relatives.

          My mom is planning to start self isolating two weeks before my due date so that she can come and help out once baby arrives (two members of her household are still working out of the home in a relatively hard hit area so that’s part of what makes it tricky). I’m so so so grateful shes willing to do that, so she at least will get to meet baby and keep us company in the first few weeks. Having to tell people they cant come visit right away really sucks, and it takes them time to process, which is fair but of course makes me feel sad.

    6. Carlottamousse*

      Took us a while to get here, but I’m due end of June and fortunately, feeling great and seeing my OB/Gyn relatively on schedule (slightly protracted visits) where we all wear masks and they limit the number of people in the waiting room (in southern CA). So for me, care hasn’t changed, but my OB is flexible and announced telemedicine availability for those who prefer that. She’s also available by email in normal circumstances, so that’s been nice to have continued. Instead of meeting with our PCP (who’s going to be our pediatrician) ahead of time, we had a phone call to go over basic questions. We had a baby party planned (for today, actually) that we had cancelled — we sent out a baby registry way earlier than we would have normally, and we’ve been accumulating stuff slowly but surely over the past two months and getting into the last few things we think we need now. A bunch of things have been in and out of stock online or have had shipping delays, so I’m glad we’ve been able to get stuff a bit earlier than we’d previously planned. The hospital we’ve selected recently loosened its post-partum rules, so here’s hoping by the time I deliver that my husband is still allowed to stay post-partum and not kicked out within 2 hours of the birth, which is what they were previously doing. Still tentatively planning on having my parents come help post-arrival, but that’s still up in the air.

      1. Vic tower*

        You sound very organised! So glad all is going well and I hope the restrictions are eased by the time you deliver.

        Have you stopped working? What are your plans for maternity leave?

        1. Carlottamousse*

          Thank you! I’m working full time from home (real estate attorney) and plan on working until the baby arrives assuming my health keeps up. Back in January, I asked for four months of maternity leave, which the partners were ok with and potentially some kind of part-time return to full-time in the fall. It’s a bit unknown, honestly, and they were very understanding about it (there’s no set policy). Pre-COVID-19, the understanding was that I’d be paid during that leave beyond the CA short-term disability leave and paid family leave. I haven’t brought it back up yet, so that feels like an unknown right now. Also fortunately, my husband gets three months of paid paternity leave, which we are trying mostly to stack after mine (he’ll take a couple weeks after the birth), so we can figure out the childcare situation later. And that search for daycares/nannies/who-knows-what is on pause with the pandemic…

          1. Vic tower*

            I’m probably going to start mat leave at 36 or 37 weeks, depending on covid numbers and general pregnancy symptoms. I had negotiated to work from home for 0.5 but now our numbers are so low the health dept want us back at work.
            I can take three months mat leave at full pay or six months half pay and think I’ll do six months. I also have long service leave due, so could extend half pay to nearly a whole year but not sure whether I’ll want to. Unfortunately, my skills will deteriorate the longer I’m non clinical, so I need to decide how long is sensible.
            Will you go back full time when you return? I was thinking of starting at 0.5 but not sure

            1. Carlottamousse*

              I’m not sure about what the return will look like either, to be honest. I’ve had friends who were really happy to go back to full-time work once the leave ended and others who were miserable. Knowing I have the choice but not knowing where I’ll end up on the spectrum creates some uncertainty, but I’m thinking I’ll probably do a couple weeks part-time back to gearing up full-time. From what I’ve heard, going part-time as a lawyer is not typically that great a deal since the work builds up (& hours) but the pay stays part-time. I think knowing my husband will take over the care after I go back may make it easier to transition, but I just have no idea. I don’t like the uncertainty, but I do appreciate the flexibility my office is giving me. They said they’d work with me however I wanted to do things for my return and that we’d figure it out. Also I saw up above that you were starting to look into all the baby gear, and I have found Lucie’s List to be really informative without being overwhelming.

  18. Lena Clare*

    Can anyone recommend some good pet hair clippers that aren’t noisy and won’t scare my cat? Thanks!

    Btw, that picture of your cats Alison…looks like they’re plotting something or they’ve just had a seance!

    1. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      Oh, man, my cat got the choppiest scissor-haircut at the beginning of lockdown. She was due for her spring grooming, and we didn’t get her in before we couldn’t. It was a pretty hilarious (but necessary) haircut, and she’s about due again, since she didn’t actually get fully groomed the way she normally would.

      Quarantine hair — not just for humans!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My mobile groomers are still running! They text you to let you know they’re here and stand a ways back, you put your pet outside the front door in a carrier or on-leash (I held onto the loop of my dog’s leash, but was inside the storm door that was open just a crack), and then once you’re back inside they come up and grab the pet (at which point I let go of the leash, so my dog was never out of a person’s handling) and take them out to the truck and do their thing, then repeat the process at the end, and payment is electronic. They have masks and gloves and sterilize their trucks in between each house they visit. Might be an option in a pinch?

    3. Sunset Maple*

      We bought a regular Wahl clipper kit; that brand is really quiet.

      Anyone attempting DIY using scissors: PLEASE lie a comb lengthwise against the skin first, as a guard to prevent nicks. Cat skin is incredibly thin and fragile.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Thanks, this is excellent advice. Think I’ll try the comb and scissors first, then the official groomer!

  19. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

    I live in the downtown core of my city, and despite residential growth exploding in my neighbourhood over the past decade, there hasn’t been a decent-sized grocery store there in decades. There are a few on the other end of downtown, a couple of corner stores, and a pricier, organic store nearby, but nothing that was really a one-stop supermarket within walking distance of my part of the city.

    A big store just opened up today, and going to get groceries was the highlight of my week. We did our big biweekly shop, masked up, 2 blocks away from home, and it was wonderful. (We are not car-free, so it’s not the hugest problem for us to go further away to get groceries, but this is certainly more convenient.) We’ve lived here for 4 years and this has been on the radar or under construction that whole time, so this is very highly anticipated.

    They’ve built in some of the features that all stores have right now — directed traffic, shields at the tills, etc — right from the start, and it’s a nice little bit of normalcy that even in the midst of everything, this store still opened on schedule.

    1. Geomancer*

      That sounds great! I actually love to grocery shop in normal times, and even now it feels good to stock up. I also love a good urban revitalization story.

    2. Moocow Cat*

      Urban grocery stores are great! We just had a grocery store open in a core location that drastically needed it. Apparently the place is so well planned and snazzy. (Perhaps we know of the same store?). It’s such a relief to start to get a bit of normal life back this week. While washing our hands and staying two meters apart.

    3. Zephy*

      We just had an Aldi open up nearby – I’m thinking of going to check it out today, rather than hitting up my usual grocery store.

      1. Stephanie*

        Oh, I love Aldi!
        Just keep in mind that they’re different than a typical grocery store in some key ways: you “rent” a shopping cart for 25 cents. You get your quarter back when you return the cart (this may not be happening due to the pandemic). They generally don’t carry national brands, with some exceptions. They do not take coupons. But their prices are great, and I LOVE their cheese selection. I prefer to shop there for my basics (dairy, boxed goods, coffee, etc) because their stuff is good, and less expensive than anywhere else.
        I highly recommend checking them out.

          1. DistantAudacity*

            Ooh – I’m curious: I assume you (Brain and Stephanie) are in the US?

            Both of those things – the cart (anti-theft) and the shopping bags – are the norm on the other side of the pond; probably all of (most of?) Europe.

            Not so in the US?

            (Interesting details!)

            1. Stephanie*

              I am in the US, and both are true here (the carts and the bags). Both may be different right now due to Covid, though.

            2. Worked in IT forever*

              In Canada, you also have to use a coin to release a cart at some grocery store chains, though you get it back. The last time I ran into this, I needed a loonie (a dollar coin) for the cart. Given that I hardly ever use cash, of course I didn’t have a loonie. The stores are discouraging the use of cash these days, though, so maybe they no longer charge for carts.

              It’s also common up here to have to pay for bags or bring your own. My usual chain is now waiving the bag fee because they won’t let you bring in your own bags.

              1. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

                Yeah, cart deposits are super normal here (Canada). I remember a (conspiracy-theory-prone) aunt in the States complaining that her grocery store was “charging” for carts. Um, no they’re not. No one is taking your money away.

                You can purchase a loonie-shaped token for about $2 that goes on your keychain. I recently lost mine so have to get a new one.

                1. Worked in IT forever*

                  Thanks, I’ll have to go look for one of those. It was either Metro or No Frills where I didn’t have a loonie.

            3. RagingADHD*

              Everywhere in the US I’ve lived, the norms were that the store provides bags, and there’s no deposit on carts.

              Except warehouse stores like Costco or Sams Club, that don’t use bags at all.

            4. Seeking Second Childhood*

              US here. I prefer Aldi’s cart deposit to bollards preventing you from taking them out of the store. Those blew my mind when visiting a friend in NYC’s outer buroughs…they mean people load up and buy a lot but then a lot create a logjam at the door because one person holds the cart and another person goes to bring the car back and they transfer everything there.
              Of course I’m also not fond of what I see in some stores near where I live now… Grocery carts piling up at nearby bus stops. Or worse yet in the river.

            1. AvonLady Barksdale*

              That’s not universal. The store where I shop in DC allows bags, but we are required to bag ourselves. It varies by store here.

        2. Jaid*

          The Aldi’s around me aren’t bothering with the quarters these days. They do have a clerk outside, wiping down the carts…

          They have interesting selections of odd flavored chips, candy, and cookies, which are fun to find!

        3. Alexandra Lynch*

          I shop at Aldi’s and have done through the pandemic.
          Right now they give you a cart at the door that has been cleaned, and you take your cart back to an attendant (masked and gloved) when you’ve unloaded into your trunk. Usually it does take a quarter.

          This is why I shop there:
          At the local big chain store, bulk bags of sucralose are $8.00 for the national brand, and $4.00 for the store brand. Aldi’s sells their brand for $2.00. Thanks to my boyfriend’s consumption of sweet tea, we go through a bag a week. This saves us quite a bit of money.

      2. My Brain Is Exploding*

        Also Aldi only takes cash and debit cards. Right now they have an employee disinfecting carts so you do not need the quarter for your cart.

      3. Sunset Maple*

        I got spoiled frozen fish at Aldi on both occasions I shopped there. That was enough chances, I’m done.

  20. Chocolate Teapot*

    This week’s broken washing machine update.

    Off I went to the shop selling electrical goods and it appears I was not the only person in lockdown whose washing machine had broken down. Since there wasn’t a massive selection, and it isn’t an emergency since I found the laundrette, I will go back next week, when there should be a full range of washing machines to choose from.

    Also, whilst doing research into makes and models, I discovered that front loading washing machines are not common in the US. Is this a general thing, or are people now abandoning top loading machines for front loading?

    1. Pennyworth*

      I adore my front loader- it is so quiet and it spins so much faster than my old toploader that the washing has far less water in it at the end of the cycle and dries much more quickly.

    2. Choggy*

      I’ve used front loaders but prefer top loaders. Our machine went kaput in the beginning of the shut-down and we were fortunate enough to be able to get a replacement pretty quickly. The delivery guys removed the old and installed the new in about 15 mins. It’s just a basic model but yikes, the price!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I like top loaders better too; they don’t have that mold problem around the rubber seal. The last one I had was really efficient. I’m kinda bummed that I had to leave it with the house.

        1. hermit crab*

          When our front-loader (that came with our house) died, we were SO excited to get a new efficient top-loader! No gross seal, the ability to add things to the load once you start it, and (most importantly) never having your laundry held hostage by a finicky door lock!!! If your washer is having trouble draining (this was a big problem with our old one) you can still get your clothes out! We got our new washer right before covid and I’m so glad we didn’t wait.

    3. Geomancer*

      Agree that front loafers are becoming more common because they are more efficient. Also agree that they are expensive!

      1. Observer*

        The efficiency differential is just not really there any more. And if you need a larger capacity you are going to pay A LOT more for the front loader, if you can even get it.

    4. Admin of Sys*

      Front loading are becoming more common, but they’re still considered the luxory option. They’re way better for efficiancy and wear on clothing, but make sure you’re willing to commit to the cleaning – if you don’t wipe down the seal every time it can quickly grow mold, which will both a) result in mold and b) weaken the seal. (Also, I am fond of things that can’t as easily leak, but that’s because my laundry room is upstairs. If it was in the garage or somehting, I’d be way more inclined to get a front loader once my current machine dies.)

    5. Anagram*

      Interesting, where I’m from front loaders have always been way more common. I prefer a top loader myself, since I can add stuff even if the water’s already there.

    6. Enough*

      The biggest problem with front loaders is they don’t always fit in the space. If I got one I would have difficulty getting to my downstairs bathroom. In fact when I get new machines I will have to special order a slightly small ones so they will fit. Even new top loaders are too big and I have no desire to move everything to the basement.

    7. Stephanie*

      I loved my front loader! We moved last fall, and left the appliances at the old house. New house came with a relatively new washer and dryer, but the washer is a top loader. It’s high-efficiency, and doesn’t have the center agitator, but I don’t like it much. The front loader got things so much cleaner. We want to get a new front loader, but we’ll wait a while–it just feels wasteful to get rid of a decent machine that still works. Plus, the cost, too.

    8. fposte*

      Rough history of washing machines in U.S.:

      All top loaders (except in laundromats)
      Fancy high-efficiency front loaders come in
      High-efficiency front loaders get less fancy and take over most of the market
      High efficiency top loaders, some without an agitator, gain market share

      A quick look of the big online home improvement store reveals about half and half on top load and front load but 80% high efficiency, so even in the top loads most are newfangled rather than the more inexpensive old-school models.

      And of course in the US washing machines are usually not in the kitchen, so counter space is not a driving concern, even with dryers being a separate appliance.

    9. Washerwoman*

      I had to replace my machine just before the pandemic. I got a top load, and found that most top loaders now do not have agitators in them, much to my surprise. They are high efficiency, like the front loaders, and they also are much better at conserving water than the old top loaders. They have a sensor that weighs the load, and fills the drum with water only to the level needed. Reviews I read said that people worried that there was not enough water and that some of their clothes were coming out “dry” but what I suspect is that the spin cycle was working particularly well. My clothes etc. have all come out damp and clean! It’s about four inches higher than my old machine, which is difficult as I am short, but a front load would have been just as difficult if it had been stacked with a dryer (I forget which goes on top, but either way it would be hard to get things out of.) Plus, like someone else mentioned, you have to be very careful about cleaning the seal on the front loads and I know I would eventually fail at that. This top load does have a “clean” cycle that needs to be run every approx. 45 times, (I haven’t had it that long) and the detergent I bought does about 48 loads, so that works for me to remember!

      2. Chaordic One*

        I think that what is happening to the clothes that are coming out dry or “crusty” is that they are placed on the top of the laundry in the tub. When the tub fills up with water they float on the surface of the water and all through the wash cycle they continue to float on top of the surface of the water. Whatever is going on during the wash cycle doesn’t cause enough movement that the clothes ever get wet. Sometimes this might be caused by the machine being overfilled with laundry.

        In any event, on my machine I never use the default automatic setting and make sure that I manually set the water level on either “Medium” or “High” depending on the size of the load. Most of the time I manually set the temperature to either “Hot” or “Medium” because it will otherwise manually default to “Cold.” It’s a pain and an extra step that I shouldn’t have to do but there you go.

    10. tab*

      Front loaders were initially very popular in the US, but many of them have a problem with mold build up. A recent edition of Consumers Reports had a good write up on the issue.

    11. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I’ve had a front load for over 15 years. They do a much superior job cleaning clothes and take a lot less time to dry.

      There are no mold or smell issues as long as you keep the door on the washer open when not in use. You can also add things during the wash – it just takes a couple seconds to stop the machine and unlock the door.

      1. Observer*

        Keeping the door of your unit open is highly impractical for a lot of people. Also, you are comparing 15 yo machines to current ones – that’s just not accurate.

        Also, it’s not true that you can add things during the wash as a general statement. I’m sure that on your machine you can, but many models don’t let you unlock the door even once you have stopped the machine once there is a certain amount of water in there, and even if the machine allows it, it’s generally very messy to the point of being impossible on a practical level.

    12. Not A Manager*

      I like my front loaders because they are easier on my clothes than the top loader with a spindle that I used to have. I guess now there are top loaders without spindles but I’ve never tried one. I also like front loaders because they can stack if necessary, or you can use the top for storage.

    13. Long Time Fed*

      My washer bit the dust a few weeks ago. To add insult to injury, I have to stack my washer and dryer due to a small laundry room and couldn’t find anything that matched the dimensions of the old washer so we ended up getting a new pair. I like the silence and energy efficiency of front loaders, but the mildew issue drives me nuts. I keep everything as dry as possible and run the cleaning cycles appropriately but always end up with that smell in my washer. If I had the space, I’d probably choose a really good top loader.

      What is with how long the wash cycles are on newer washers? My old one was about 11 years old and a cycle was about 40 minutes. The new one is at least 70.

      1. Bob*

        As others have commented, unfortunately the only way to get around the mildew issue is to leave the door slightly open when not using it. Not sure if you’ve tried this, but I live in Europe where front loaders are the norm, and I’ve never had issues with mildew if you do this.

        The long cycles are an efficiency thing typically but it also drives me nuts sometimes. Basically longer wash time but less water = more efficient.

      2. Observer*

        It’s too late for you, but for anyone who has limited space there ARE some models that stack with a top loader washer on the bottom and a front loader dryer on the top. Some of them are pretty decent units.

        The reasons that most of the new machines have longer cycles seems to be related to how they operate – most of the newer models are high efficiency units that don’t have an agitator so the process tend to take longer. But also, check you settings. My machine (which is pretty big and does a REALLY good spin cycle if spin is on High) take 55 minutes. It says 53 but that’s from the point that it finishes all of it’s calculations. However, if I change some of the settings it can take significantly longer.

      3. Reba*

        Re: cycle length, we can’t have everything… less water and colder water for energy savings and short wash times, something’s gotta give there! I have an “express” cycle on my front loading machine that takes about 30 minutes, but I don’t trust it, lol.

    14. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      We had to replace our washer a few years back (in the space of a month it was my husbands car, the refrigerator AND the washing machine – yikes!).
      We researched the heck out of it. Only to find out, after we had bought it and been using it for some months, that it does not allow hot water. It has hot, warm & cold on the selector – but hot is just warm. I discovered this when I had to add something to a load. And when I called, because my washer was not working correctly? I was told that this model had an inner gauge that stopped it from using hot water. I asked why hot was a selection? Umm.
      I asked WHY was this not on ANY of the paperwork? Umm.
      I asked if I could return the washer – no, too much time had gone by.
      I was PISSED. My husband builds bridges. On freeways. I friggen need hot water.
      Before the discovery of no hot water I actually bragged about how awesome my new washer was – guys, I can wash a SLEEPING BAG in it!
      Now? I will NEVER buy another LG appliance again.
      So, as you do your research, check for the weird things.
      Sheesh.

      1. allathian*

        Our old washing machine was an LG front loader, but it could do hot water (100 C/194 F). Then one day after about five years of use it just stopped working. So we got a Bosch front loader with the i-DOS intelligent dosing system. Very handy, although it’s not the cheapest front loader on the market. I just pour in a bottle of liquid detergent when necessary. Although to be fair, it helps a lot that we’ve made a conscious decision to avoid white clothes and sheets, so we never need to use the detergent for whites with bleach. I only wear black underwear. The front loader works well because we have a separate laundry room and can leave the door open when it’s not in use, so it doesn’t go moldy. The laundry room is very handy because we don’t have a spin drier, and there’s enough space to hang two or three loads of laundry to dry.

      2. AnotherRedHeadedOne*

        Hello nice people….some help needed on the laundry issue. Context: I am at extreme high risk regarding COVID19 due to health history, live alone in rental condo in a county with escalating case numbers considered a hot spot. Doctor allows one trip out my condo a week to the lobby to get mail and packages. My anxiety has seized upon laundry…and I can’t make any decisions. Every floor of my high rise building has a tiny laundry room with two washers and two dryers open 9am to 9pm. I have an enormous mountain of laundry at this point. What to do about sheets and towels etc that must go in hot dryer? Things that can air dry I can do in my condo. What would be less risk…to have a laundry service take stuff away and deliver back again or have one known person take stuff to laundromat (do have someone I pay to do errands for me) or do many loads on-site? Help my anxious brain please.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          (waving) Hi–another multi-unit rental dweller here with a high-risk spouse and consequent reluctance to set foot in our poorly ventilated one-room-for-the-entire-building laundry area. After about six weeks of dread + valiant efforts at hand-washing everything in the bathroom I tried out the first of two nearby wash-dry-fold services. (Both are based in commercial public laundromats: one as a high-volume user, the other one as the owner-operator.) Since I’m not especially high-risk I delivered the dirty laundry myself and retrieved it several days later. My laundry was clean, folded, and wrapped in multiple layers of (recyclable) plastic. It’s more than one dollar per pound but for sheets, towels, jeans, T-shirts, socks, and underwear it was well worth it to me to have peace of mind.

          Long story short: I would think the risk would be mitigated if you could have one or two trusted people handle pickup and delivery. The virus would not survive a washer and dryer. Anything hand-transmitted en route would die off after the required waiting times for a virus on fabric or plastic.

          Disclaimer: I’m neither a medical doctor nor any kind of expert on infectious diseases, viral transmission, etc. I recommend that you run my suggestion past your doctor.

          1. AnotherRedHeadedOne*

            thanks so for understanding and for suggestions. Going to see what I can get set up for this week.

        2. tiasp*

          No kind of expertise, but if you can afford it, get your errand person or the laundry service to do it, and if I could afford both options, I’d offer it to my errand person first in case they want the job (that is would they be glad to have the job so they can earn some money or would they rather not but they do it because I need it). I think a laundry service would be great, especially if they do contactless drop off and delivery.

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          My reply to you about the hot dryer and sheets got split up from your question. It’s way down below, alas.

    15. Resting easier now*

      I have mixed, but mostly positive, feelings about front loaders.
      Front loaders are more pricy in the US, so haven’t been the norm for most of us. And they are larger, so for those of us in older homes who don’t have the space they might not fit well.
      I was looking forward to being more environmentally friendly with a front loader. I guess it is, as far as water usage goes. However, a regular load takes 70 minutes. 2 hours for grubby gardening clothes (the regular cycle will NOT get the dirt out of gardening jeans).
      I’ve always kept the door open after a load gets washed, so no mildew smell yet (5 yrs). I also do the clean cycle once a month as directed and wipe the door seals at that time.
      It is a quieter machine than my old front loader, which I appreciate.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A very few of us like top-loaders because we do occasionally dye fabric.
      I can’t leave appliance doors open because clumsy family members will walk right into the doors couch. My friend can’t because her cats investigate and sleeping everything.
      Front loaders are better for washing down comforters and pillows. No agitator top-load claimed to be able to do them but that’s probably polyfill. The feathers all shifted inside my comforter’s baffled areas.
      Most frustrating thing for me is that an our top loader has a mildew stench problem! It took me awhile to figure out that the soap reservoir collects water. I need want to check the level again, but for now I pull the cup out each time and empty it.

    17. Observer*

      I won’t get a front loader if I can help it. At this point one of the major advantages is no longer as relevant. It used to be that front loaders were generally more efficient than top loaders, but the newer HE rated machines are in the same range as the front loaders. The main thing is that you need to use HE rated detergent. Which is totally not a problem anymore. The only annoyance is that the wash times are a bit longer.

    18. Ermintrude*

      This has blown my mind! I’m in the UK but the last time I saw a top loading washing machine was in the early 1980s! I didn’t know they still existed! :o

  21. PX*

    What are you all (comfort) watching at the moment? My current favourite find is Bon Appetit Test Kitchen on Youtube. I’d seen some clips floating around Tumblr and was bored at some point so decided to check it you.

    You guys, I love Claire Saffitz. Gourmet Makes is just so fun to watch, it has that lovely element of watching someone competent do (slightly challenging) things, all the interactions with other Test Kitchen staff/contributors are great (I especially love how when she says she is having a hard time with something, they are immediately supportive before giving any advice), and also the fact that it also shows how much science and chemistry goes into food on a regular basis. I think she should be a STEM role model in all honesty :D

    Plus it appears that most of the Gourmet Makes videos have that rarest of rare unicorns on the internet: a generally positive and supportive Youtube comment section. Truly amazing.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just started a rewatch of Babylon-5, which has been my favorite tv show of all time since it first aired in 1993 (!!!), and am really pleased with it. Without delving into politics, a lot of the themes are currently relevant, but different enough from actual real life events to give some breathing room.

      1. PX*

        Aah I’ve always heard so many good things about Babylon 5 but it’s just not my kind of show. Glad you’re enjoying the rewatch!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I own it on DVD, but I feel like I recently noticed it on one of them … Prime maybe?

      3. allathian*

        I love Babylon 5! We have the box set on DVD, including the 13 episodes of Crusade and the TV movies.

    2. IrishEm*

      I am LOVING the 2017-to-now series of DuckTales. I mean, David Tennant as SCrooge is just *chef’s kiss* perfect, and brings so much emotional depth to what could have been a caricature of a Boomer. (Didn’t love the Town Called Gumption episode title but OMG Allison Janney as Goldie? Um, yes!)

      And I did a big rewatch of She-Ra & the Princesses of Power in advance of s5 dropping today. It’s So Good you guys.

      On YouTube I’ve subscribed to a channel called How To Switzerland, a vlog from an American girl who married a Swiss guy and is now living in Zurich and talks about the differences in life in Switzerland compared to the USA and other places she’s lived in. I love Switzerland and I want to live there eventually, so it’s a lot of fun to watch.

      1. PX*

        I got really excited about DuckTales for a minute then realised I was confusing it for Count Duckula which I very much enjoyed as a child. But I am intruiged by David Tennant in anything related to animated ducks, so I may have to investigate this

    3. Fikly*

      The latest season of Worst Cooks just started, which got me sucked into the black hole of rewatching from the first season.

      I don’t know why I find Anne’s horror at being presented peanut butter encrusted fish so comforting, but somehow it works. I can’t wait for the season where one woman keeps ernestly trying to convince Anne that chicken really does go with vanilla. (Spoiler: it doesn’t.)

      If you have never watched, I highly recommend the last season that aired, which was Anne and Alton Brown, and should really be called “Alton’s existential angst and horror.”

      1. PX*

        Ahahaha. This sounds amazing.

        Although what’s the overall tone of the show? I generally don’t do well with things which are overly….I guess mean is the best word? I’m all about general niceness even if it’s a competitive/elimination show (ala the Great British (insert whatever here) Show)

        2. Fikly*

          It’s not mean.

          So the first episode, everyone makes a dish of their choosing to demonstrate their current skill level, essentially, and the two mentor chefs have to taste them. There’s a lot of horror and comments about how terrible things taste, but it’s never from the perspective of “you are a terrible person for cooking this way.”

          Then they get broken into teams, and the entire point is to teach them how to be better cooks. The final episode is always the last two cooks (one per mentor chef) serving a three course meal to three outside food judges, and the mentor chefs are competing for who can be the best teacher, essentially.

          Every challenge (two per episode) starts with a lesson from the chefs, and almost all the time when they’re cooking, they’re being mentored at the same time to help get better. Yeah, there’s tough love sometimes, but it’s never personal, it’s always to try to help them get better, and mostly the toughest stuff comes out when things like food safety becomes an issue. For example, if someone is not washing their hands after handling chicken.

          And then there is tons of praise for what does go well. Like on one episode I recently watched from an early season, the challenge is to make two appetizers, and one person runs out of time with the second appetizer and has a total meltdown and is convinced she’s going home. Turns out, even though she only got 6 portions of the 35 needed of appetizer two, they tasted super good, and they were quick to say, hey, we know that sucked, and that happens sometimes, but the important thing is that you kept going, and what you did get done tasted awesome. And then they kept her over the guy who topped his toast with something premade from a jar.

          There are two versions of the show – some seasons are regular people, and other sesasons (including the one that just started airing) are celebrities of various levels of celebrity. For the regular people one, it’s often people who genuinely want to learn how to cook something nice for their partners, or their kids, or to get in with the PTA moms, that kind of thing, which is really sweet. The celebrity one can be a bit more mocking, I guess, but the celebrities are usually playing a bit more of a role. How much I like a given season of the celebrity one depends a lot more on who is on it than the regular seasons.

          1. PX*

            Ooh this does sound fun. Will definitely add it to the list! Thanks for the rec and the breakdown :)

        1. Fikly*

          It’s on Hulu (though I have the live tv version of Hulu, so I’m not sure if regular Hulu has all the back seasons).

      3. Jaid*

        Which is a shame because Mango Vanilla curry with chicken (hat tip to Bing search engine) sounds amazing.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I will have to check that out! I like making recipes from Bon Appetit but I haven’t watched their videos. Not food related, but for soothing tv I’m rewatching The National Parks, a Ken Burns documentary (available on Amazon, free with Prime). Beautiful visuals and the narrator (Peter Coyote) is so pleasant to listen to.

      1. PX*

        Ooh, I love a good narrator. There’s a podcast I recently started listening to (Roads and Kingdoms: The Trip) and the host Nathan Thornburgh has such a lovely voice. Its worth it just for him.

        And yes, the Bon Appetit videos range from some basic food guides to more fun stuff, but the team they chose are all a lot of fun, so thats half the joy for me :D

    5. Geomancer*

      I love food shows but rarely watch YouTube. Starting to more now so maybe I’ll check that out. My comfort show right now is Maine Cabin Masters on DIY. It’s got beautiful scenery and it just makes me feel cozy.

      1. PX*

        Oooh I love a good scenery show. I’ll have to check that out!

        And yes, I wouldnt typically turn to Youtube as a first source for entertainment in this sense, but I’m very glad I found the BA channel as it is providing a lot more fun than I ever expected!

    6. GoryDetails*

      Just now it’s MST3K, which has been airing on the IFC cable channel. I’ve also been binging on Netflix food shows, from Nailed It (goofy, emphasis on catastrophic failures) to Sugar Rush (timed elaborate-desserts competition somewhat like Cupcake Wars) to Zumbo’s Just Desserts (VERY elaborate desserts, with an unusual format: one round where everybody competes in creating their own designs to a specific theme, and then a Zumbo Challenge elimination round between the two lowest-ranked competitors, where they have to try to recreate one of chef Zumbo’s own highly-detailed and finicky desserts.

      Yeah, that adds up to a lot of desserts – but cooking shows of almost any kind do soothe me. [I like the Worst Cooks series too, though I prefer the earlier seasons; more recent ones tend to be a bit less wacky in the beginning, and the tendency to dump the chefs into recipes that I’d consider challenging as a moderately experienced cook strikes me as less interesting than if they were working on fundamentals.]

      1. PX*

        Oh my god, those sound like so many fun food shows! I will have to investigate them.

        And your comment about Worst Cooks is interesting – I totally know what you mean about when people are given challenges that are way beyond their level. I hate that too – its like, yes producers – we know you want drama, but I’m pretty sure you could get that too even with something a bit simpler!

    7. Zephy*

      I love the BA test kitchen crew – their From Home videos lately have been delightful. I highly recommend It’s Alive! as well.

      1. PX*

        They seem like so much fun! And yes, I think Its Alive! is next on the watch list after I get done with the fun looking Test Kitchen Talks :D

    8. Parenthetically*

      YES WE ARE OBSESSED WITH BA FINALLY I CAN TALK ABOUT THIS HERE

      My brother-in-law and I did a ranking a few days ago of our top five favorite BA test kitchen staff and we couldn’t narrow it down to five. They’re all so wonderful. We also enjoy Enneagramming and Hogwarts-house sorting them.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Also, PX, if you’re on insta, it’s so fun to follow your favorite Test Kitchen chefs — AND absolutely go follow Meme Appetit! Nonstop meme antics with the crew.

        1. PX*

          Ahaha yes! I started following Chris Morroco (obviously, he’s my #2 after Claire) and Andy a few days ago, and I just checked out Meme Appetit and it is hilarious. Absolute follow, thanks for the rec.

          But I legitimately was like, I cant follow them all because they post about food and I will have too much food envy. Like seriously, I love food but I’m too lazy to put a lot of effort into cooking, and if I have to see them posting pretty pictures of food too often it will make me sad.

          But anyway, I just got done with watching all of the Gourmet Makes episodoes, now I’m watching a bunch of the Test Kitchen Talks, and after that I’m thinking maybe Its Alive? Its weird because I’m not into the purely cooking segments (see above, I will have food envy and be sad) but now I just love watching them interact with each other! The Blind Tastings are probably my favourite thing after Gourmet Makes :D

          I was also going to suggest Alison do a post reviewing one episode from a managerial perspective which I think would be fascinating :’D

          1. Parenthetically*

            Honestly because they’re all in quarantine, the stuff they’re posting is SUPER relatable. Like last night Priya posted her mom making cocktails and using up leftovers. It’s definitely NOT just pretty food pics! And def watch It’s Alive, and Making Perfect. They’re awesome. You could also follow Basically, which is like BA for Lazy People — it’s all the BA chefs but just really simple recipes.

            And I have had the same thought about Alison reviewing the managerial/workplace aspects of the test kitchen! What kind of boss is Adam Rapoport?

            2. PX*

              I watched Season 1 of Making Perfect last night and it was so fun! Molly + Carla energy is hilarious, they should be together more often. Andy + Brad = hilarious. It was thoroughly entertaining and I still have the 1 hour bonus episode to watch before getting into Season 2 :D

              Also, I feel like Adam Rapoport is…I cant decide if hes a great boss or not. I know there was one episode of Gourmet Makes where he came in and gave some feedback that I remember thinking was distinctly unhelpful. But I also loved how when he came in to talk about ‘nduja for pizza, Molly felt free to tell him to —- off :D

              Its interesting because in their environment which ulitmately is incredibly subjective (everyone likes different food!), being able to disagree vehemently with your boss on something and tell them so is obviously…fine! And I love it. And again, going back to the weirdness of a positive youtube comment section, thats one of the things everyone talks about is how it demonstrates how to give/take feedback weirdly well because so much of their work is collaborative.

              And Basically sounds like my kind of place, I will have to check it out! #lazyfoodieforever

      2. Reba*

        I am utterly devoted to Sohla. SOHLA! She’s so… extremely competent and yet like, “do whatever, dude, it’ll work out!”

        I also crave more Gaby content always. I know it’s not really her job but I wish she would have a regular show!

        I dislike Molly’s show because I am No Fun. But I enjoy watching Chris Morocco go off track in his challenges because he is too fancy. I also very much appreciate the way the video team will always gently roast the cooks in post. :D

        1. Parenthetically*

          100% agreement on all of this (+ actual snort laugh at being No Fun re: Molly and enjoying Fancy Morocco Being Fancy). My husband and I equally have crushes on Sohla. We adore her.

    9. cat socks*

      I’ve been watching Star Trek TNG. A while back we watched the new series, Picard, so I had a hankering to go back and watch the series.

      Recently finished Ozark too. Enjoyed the show but would not consider it comfort watching.

      1. PX*

        Hah. Yes, I have heard things about Ozark. Probably a good show, possibly comforting to some, but definitely not me :’D

        And Star Trek TNG sounds very comforting.

    10. Arya Parya*

      I’ve been watching Community. Have seen the first three seasons a few times back in the day, but only seen the fifth and sixth season when they aired.

      1. PX*

        Oh nice! Community is one of those shows that lots of people love but somehow I could never quite get into, despite the fact that John Oliver is in it and I love him lots.

    11. anonymouse for this*

      I’m watching a lot of History/Discovery/NatGeo shows. Salvage Dawgs is always great fun. I’ve just discovered Forged in Fire – it’s quite relaxing watching something being built.

      And I have The Mandalorian queued up to binge watch – the lure of the possible baby Yoda is too much to resist.

      1. PX*

        Watching things being built or made is definitely one of my defining criteria for soothing TV I think! Forged in Fire sounds vaguely familiar so I may have to check it out.

        1. anonymouse for this*

          It’s a blacksmith competition – 4 blacksmiths have to forge a specific knife/sword and then it gets tested. It focuses on the craftsmanship and some backstory of each smith.

          1. PX*

            Oooh. I definitely feel like I may have caught bits of this and as niche “create things” shows go, sounds perfect :D

      2. NightOwl*

        I also enjoy Forged in Fire. I don’t know if I’d binge watch it, but I end up glued to the TV from time to time when it’s on. What a cool skill set to possess!

      3. Fikly*

        There is also the Forged in Fire spinoff, Forged in Fire: Knife or Death, where bladesmiths compete in an obstacle? course where they have to chop increasingly ridiculous things.

        2. GoryDetails*

          Thanks for mentioning Knife or Death – I hadn’t caught any of those, and am now happily binging them from On Demand!

    12. NightOwl*

      I’m almost done with Haven, which is on Netflix. My parents told me about this one.

      On Amazon Prime, I found Dark Shadows (soap opera that started in the ’60s, I believe). Prime has the first few seasons (still in black and white) and this has been fun to watch while on the treadmill.

      A few weeks ago, some posters talked about The Wire. I tried to get into it, but it’s not holding my interest. My husband loved that show, though, and is happy to re-watch. We just finished binge watching Breaking Bad, so I think I needed something not drug/crime themed, while hubby loves those shows. I’m more the sci-fi/weirdness one…

      1. PX*

        Oh my god Haven! I got into it a few years ago but never finished as I remember hearing the last season (? 2 seasons?) werent great. It was such a great premise for a show, and I was recently thinking about it actually. Maybe I should go back and finish it.

        And yes, I am not really into drug/crime theme shows like The Wire or Breaking Bad. The closest I got was Justified which was amazing, and while the backdrop was indeed drugs/crime, the show was really about the relationships between the various characters, and it was amazing. I would recommend that if you want a bit of a middle ground.

    13. Tortally HareBrained*

      We’ve been watching Extinct or Alive as comfort tv. We also started the new series about Catherine the Great on Hulu last night. One episode we think we like it but don’t find it bingeable just because the emperor is so unlikable (even if he’s funny).

    14. All monkeys are French*

      The BA videos are big favorites in my household. I love Claire so much and relate to her perfectionism, and Brad is good for a laugh.
      The main thing my partner and I watch together is Taskmaster, a British show of comedians doing ridiculous things. We frequently laugh to the point of gasping which is such a joy right now.
      I am also watching The Good Wife, which I had heard of but never watched and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I am not usually a huge fan of procedurals, but I love a strong female lead and complicated characters.

        1. All monkeys are French*

          I’m almost out of episodes to watch, although there’s one series I abandoned because the contestants were too annoying. I could return to it if I get desperate. Have you seen Hometasking on youtube? Cute videos of fans doing assigned tasks.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Oh man I loved The Good Wife, or as I affectionately used to call it, “Eli Gold Reacts To Stuff.”

      3. PX*

        For me Brad is just like…such a giant enthusiastic puppy. Friendly, excitable, can be a touch annoying at times, but always means well!

        And yes, Taskmaster is hilarious! I think I got into it via recommendation here from fposte. I only watched the season with Katherine Ryan because I love her, but I can definitely see it making a return when I run out of BA videos :D

    15. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      * Figure skating routines and competitions (my newest obsession since I watched Yuri on Ice) on Youtube
      * The King: Eternal Monarch on Netflix (I love all the characters!!! And their dynamics!!! Even the suave baddie!!)
      * Korean cat channels on Youtube.

      1. PX*

        Ahh figure skating. I’m kind of bummed the last winter Olympics seem to have just passed me by because I usually love watching all the weird and wonderful sports I never get to see otherwise.

        Also Korean cat channels sound fantastic :D

      2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I think the Olympic channel has the 2018 and 2014 FS highlights, and I know someone uploaded the short program last group on Youtube (for…. ahem… “reasons” *wink, wink*).
        Korean cat channels are the best, I love the felines are the stars and not their adorable owners.

    16. RagingADHD*

      Gourmet Makes is awesome!

      I’ve been watching Jeeves and Wooster with the kids – they love it, along with the old David Suchet versions of Poirot.

      I’ve also become addicted to business makeover shows like Hotel Inspector and Kitchen Nightmares, because seeing people flounder and then get put right is very reassuring.

      2. allathian*

        Jeeves and Wooster sounds great. I’ve seen a few episodes here and there over the years, but I haven’t seen the entire series.
        Suchet’s Poirot is the best. I have a really hard time seeing anyone else in the role. David Suchet is Poirot to me in the same way as Jeremy Brett is the one and only Sherlock Holmes.
        There’s this gardening show I’ve seen a few episodes of where the presenter and his team fix up dilapidated gardens for people. I really enjoy it.
        Currently, I’m enjoying the most recent season of Endeavour, it’s a shame it’s only three episodes, even if they’re about 90 minutes each. I enjoy it, but it’s not really comfort viewing.

      3. PX*

        It is so awesome!

        And yes, business makeover shows are also another one of my favourites. I dont do so much of Kitchen Nightmares because Gordon Ramsey can be a bit much, but I will need to check out the others. I once got into one which was about hairdressers which I remember being interesting! Also because the lady who did it would sometimes need to get into things like making sure all the hairdressers skills and techniques were up to date which was just something interesting I’d not thought about before that.

    17. WoodswomanWrites*

      I don’t watch TV but I’ve found a YouTube channel that makes me happy. The channel is Friesian Horses, and the videos are filmed by a woman who works at at a horse farm for the Friesian breed in the Netherlands. The horses are well cared for and it’s so relaxing to see the mares and foals in their pastures, watch the foals grow up, etc.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        I have been enjoying a lot of historical reenacting and research videos. Townsend’s, Bernadette Banner, and Morgan Donner.

    18. Parenthetically*

      Hahaha okay now that I have my BA fangirling out of my system, other comforting stuff:

      Mr. Parenthetically and I are perpetually rewatching 30 Rock. We HOWLED our way through Derry Girls, seriously I have never laughed that hard at any show in my life. On YouTube: we adore Binging with Babish and Alex French Guy (you’ll like these too if you like BA), but we also love Frank Howarth’s woodworking channel, Homemade Home’s cheap house renovations, Autoshine Cars’ detailing (soooooooo satisfying and he’s so endearing), and Les Feux de Guedelon which is a subtitled French mini-show following the progress of a 13th-century-style castle being built in real time using only technology available at the time. There’s a British miniseries called “Secrets of the Castle” that’s also AMAZING, but Les Feux is such a cute little show, and there are 3 or 4 seasons.

      1. PX*

        I have never watched 30 Rock and its always one of those things where I feel like I should get into it at some point, but there’s always something more shiny ahead of it.

        And I loved Derry Girls, although for me S1 was much better than S2! Curious to see what will come next. Also if you’re not watching Sex Education, I feel like you might enjoy that too :)

        And thank you for all those recs! I will bookmark them all to check out once I’m done with my BA binge :D

    19. Elizabeth West*

      I finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer and am still working my way through Dark Shadows—having fun with screenshots from that, since it’s so cheesy, haha. I also just started watching the sitcom Mom on Hulu. Enjoying it so far.

      1. PX*

        Oooh Buffy is probably excellent comfort TV. I still remember watching the first season or two and how much I loved them and how new and exciting it was.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’d forgotten most of it, since I only watched it once. I forgot the details—like I remembered Buffy was resurrected, but not that she had to claw herself out of her own grave, gah. And I forgot almost all of season 7 so it was like watching it new.

    20. The Other Nigel*

      I’ve been bingeing on a YouTube channel called “Cruising The Cut”. It’s kind-of a vlog, but with good production standards, about a guy who now lives on a narrow-boat and cruises the British canal system.
      There’s no drama, just a lot of slow-paced journeys across the canal system. I also love the host’s slightly dry humor and turns-of-phrase.
      The series is a wonderful escape from the high-stress/high-drama/everything up to 11 world that is modern tv.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Oh man, great rec. We are for sure going to start watching this TODAY. Absolutely in our wheelhouse (WOCKA WOCKA)

    21. allathian*

      I’m really enjoying Expedition Unknown on the dPlayer. I’m a bit of a history buff and the treasure hunts are fun.
      We’re also watching MacGyver with my son. I love the optimism of that show.

      1. PX*

        Oooh. Expedition Unknown sounds intruiging.

        And wow, MacGyver. I just had a flashback to watching that as a kid!

    22. Marion Ravenwood*

      I may have mentioned this before here but my comfort TV is The Musketeers, Merlin and Doctor Who. It’s nice to have something fantastical/historical to escape into, with a bit of humour as well. Also The Great British Sewing Bee which is very soothing (and has been massively inspiring my own sewing!) and RuPaul’s Drag Race.

      Otherwise, I’ve been watching The Last Dance, the documentary about the 1997/98 Chicago Bulls. It’s a bit uneven, and I think certain figures do come off in a particularly flattering light, but I do like how in-depth it is and as someone who was a basketball fan in the 90s it’s a very interesting watch.

      1. PX*

        Aaahh are you watching the latest season of Sewing Bee?! I am very intruiged by the fact that there seems to be no clear frontrunner as yet, although we’re only a few episodes in.

    23. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My 8th grader has us watching Chinese TV shows online. The current one is “Guardian”, a detective show set in a world with magic. (It’s unclear to me whether average people are aware of the magic.) My daughter went to a regional Magnet School that teaches Mandarin from kindergarten. This year we had decided that if she wanted extra TV time, it was school-related if it was in Chinese. It paid off… We are in the spectacular situation of having our thirteen-year-old stop the show to point out translator errors and explain cultural references.
      We also finally got around to watching A Night at the Museum and that was a total hoot. Thanks to whoever here suggested it last week!

      1. Jaid*

        That’s a pretty good show!

        “The Untamed” is on Netflix and YouTube and the anime《Mo Dao Zu Shi》is on YouTube.

    24. Chaordic One*

      I’ve be binge watching old TV sitcoms. Right now I’m binging on “Keeping Up Appearances” with Patricia Routledge and “Bewitched” with Elizabeth Montgomery.

  22. MistOrMister*

    #1 – my one cat is the alarmiest alarm clock and dear lord I just want to remember what it’s like to sleep in on a saturday again!!! Between 5 and 5:20ish every morning are stares, headbutts, standing all over chests and heads and finger nibbles. How the heck can he tell the time dang it???

    #2 – what sorcery is going on in that picture?! The only time I can manage to get a picture of my cats together if they’re both awake is if they see something out the window, and then I can only get a picture from the rear!

    1. cat socks*

      I have five cats and one of them likes to practice his vocal skills starting around 5:30. He also jumps up on the bed and smears his wet nose on my cheek.

      My bladder usually requires me to get up anyway so I’ll just feed the crew and go back to bed.

      I read that cats are crepuscular so they are most active at dawn and twilight. I think it has something to do with it being the best time to hunt their prey.

      1. MistOrMister*

        Mine used to let me sleep in until 7 when I started work later. I made the mistake of starting to get up early for exercise some days and now we MUST get up for food before the sun rises or the world will end. Some days i can manage to go back to sleep, but most times my brain insists that I stay awake. I do love when I get back in bed and the cats come back for cuddles after they eat.

    2. Amity*

      I think the cats would like to have a word with Alison! Or maybe she interrupted one of their meetings?

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      My cat woke me the other morning by licking my lips. First time (and let’s hope the last time) she has done that. I about hit the ceiling! What a shock to get sandpapered from a heavy sleep.

      1. anonymouse for this*

        Yikes – thought mine was bad enough when she occasionally wakes me up by chewing and pulling my hair :0)

    4. Gatomon*

      Does your cat eat dry kibble? You can get feeders that automatically dispense at a set time so you can enjoy your sleep. It’s made a world of difference for me with my hangry cat.

      Just make sure you don’t get any internet-connected versions. There’s two different companies who have gone belly up in recent years and left pet owners in the lurch.

  23. Retail not Retail*

    Quarantine/WFH peeps – how goes the heat?

    My mom is home all day and runs cold – she stays in a small room with a fan and the window open when she’s relaxing. So she doesn’t want the AC yet.

    I of course am not home. I started doing gig delivery work (and discovered doing it after a full day of work in the heat is uncomfortable even with the AC blasting) so I’m not home even more!

    But oh man. I had to sleep downstairs last night. It’s time. It’s humid and sticky and we’re not getting many lows below 60 for a while… and that while is probably like October.

    Stuff started going crazy mid-march which is still kinda winter-ish (I was wearing pants) and now states are reopening and it’s summer.

    My poor pooch wants a walk when I get home at 2:30. Honey. You are so wrong. Your tongue is at your toes from running around harassing squirrels.

    1. LDN Layabout*

      I’m buying a big room fan the minute my next paycheck comes (I can afford it otherwise, but it’s the principle, it’s next month’s discretionary budget).

      Air con is not a big thing here unfortunately but I wouldn’t be able to get through the summer wfh without some form of circulating air.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        I was in Montana 3 summers ago and spent the hot half of the summer in essentially a concrete box. No shade, the windows don’t fully close, and there’s no HVAC of any kind so it’s closed in the winter.

        It was HARD and by august cooler outside in the morning. I apologized to my sister for rolling my eyes in 2014 when she had to wear makeup to work in the summer and it melted off. I don’t wear makeup but I had to wear pants at that job!

        1. CastIrony*

          I am so sorry you had to go through that in Montana. For me, it’s July and August where my family has window air conditioners, and I want one in my bedroom.

          I never look forward to waiting until nighttime to open and close certain windows and not forgetting to close them for some relief. Summer is my least favorite reason because of this, and I have heat exhaustion trauma on top of that.

    2. Misty*

      Last night it was really warm here and I had to open the windows to sleep. We don’t have AC or any fans. I guess maybe we should buy a fan now that I think of it.

    3. Ranon*

      We bought a portable dehumidifier- our place is well shaded so the AC doesn’t have to run a ton but the humidity gets out of control. Being able to keep things at 65% RH is already substantially more civilized (and lets us keep the thermostat a hair higher and still be comfy)

    5. Can’t Sit Still*

      I finally turned the AC on last week. I don’t do well once the indoor temperature gets over 75F, so I feel a little silly having it on when it’s not really that hot outside. But having all the fans on with windows open wasn’t cutting it anymore.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’ve only recently stopped feeling guilty about that. I mean it’s silly, duh of course it’s nice outside, but I’m inside and inside is hot so we need to treat the indoor temp.

    6. Jaid*

      My A/C is on. Temps over 70 something trigger hot flashes or something and it’s like 80 here.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      It’s a little tricky for me. I’ve been home since mid-March (I’m in NY). I typically run hot, so the temp since being home mid-March would not have bothered me except now I have an issue that causes pain in cooler temps. Our house is old and very bad insulation issues (we were planning on doing repairs/constructions this year but…COVID). My mother is old and runs cold now, one month of having the thermometer at 75 had our bill at $500+. After we got the bill, she set it to 60 and it’s still chilly in the house.

      It would be warm and nice out but still cold inside.

      It’s literally only yesterday that the temp reached high enough to warm up the inside of the house. It was 83 degrees inside and out and I was sweaty and uncomfortable. I also got a full 18 hours with no pain. As soon as I brought the fan out of storage and cleaned it up, it felt amazing but the pain returned. I went out side and I still wore my winter coat to head off my pain.

      In past years I would have the air conditioning on full blast in mid-May but I’m scared of the pain returning. But I also hate being hot. so….this will be a fun summer lol

    8. Generic Name*

      Heh. I live in a cold climate, so it’s not cold yet. My office is in the basement, which is always cold, and is unreasonably cold with the AC on, so I block the register in the summer and open the window. I’m really excited about the window fan I bought for my bedroom. I hope to extend the amount of time I dont use AC in the summer.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thanks for reminding me, we have too much solar heating coming through the plate glass windows in the summer. I need to get online and track down exterior shades. Last year I got hung up trying to decide between a canvas “sail” and actual roll up blinds, for one window. This year I’m going to do four of them because we’re home all day.
      And I also need to figure out how to fit an AC into my daughter’s 1950s windows, because camping in the LR will not be an option when parents are working there.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I tend to run cold. So far I haven’t had to use the air-conditioning and I’ve been opening and closing windows. (I’m half a block away from a busy street and sometimes I have to close the street-facing windows because of traffic noise and less often because of low-flying airplanes.)

      In the past I’ve vented here about freezing during the day at work, in spite of the office room temperature being in the 70s. Now that I’m working from home I find myself in the same situation. Of course, I can remedy the situation at home with a space heater under my desk. (They’re not allowed at work.) What I’m noticing is that I seem to get cold every day at around 10:00 am after I’ve been sitting at my desk working and “on” goes the space heater.

      I’m starting to notice that this situation really doesn’t seem to have to do with room temperature, but with some sort of weird circadian body rhythm I have. I don’t have the problem in the afternoon.

    11. Observer*

      What about room units? So you sleep in one room with AC and you mother in the other room without the unit.

      If you can do that it makes like SOOOO much easier.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        Oh no she talks a big talk but she turned it on after spraying down the filter like a few hours after I posted this!

        Besides my room is a daytime oven with the central AC as it is.

        I was just interested in how corona has affected our normal heat prep. Interesting that living room camping is out when parents wfh!

  24. Self care in progress*

    Self care and I have our battles. I am good, at this point, with the things that don’t really have a cost. But if they have a cost, and that cost is less than I may die, not so much. And by cost I mean more than just money, but opportunity cost, or really, impose on other people in any way.

    As an example, I was at a group thing and noticed my sugar going down (fun with diabetes!), and realized I needed to grab a snack from my bag, which was in the next room. I knew if I got up, it would interrupt the people speaking, but also if I got up and said something quick to excuse myself, it would also be an interruption. So I sat there for far longer than I should, risking my health, for what my brain realized was really not a big thing for anyone else in the room – no one would have minded the interruption, and no one at all would have minded if they knew it was a health thing. But, yes, I struggle with this.

    I have an ongoing health problem, I have a long term treatment in place, but it’s going to be August at the earliest before it may help symptoms at all. And I do not like how I currently feel, but it’s not killing me. And I finally got myself to make an appointment with my doctor to ask if there’s anything I can do now for temporary symptom relief, rather than just suffer with it, and I am feeling proud of myself for making that step.

    1. KR*

      I completely understand where you’re coming from because I do the same thing. Dealing with appointments and referrals and scheduling is so so stressful to me, especially as a workaholic and anxious person. I feel like I can’t take any time off work for appointments because it will be a hassle for someone. I have had hand pain for years. I finally went to see a PT and they were asking me why this is the first time I’ve gone to see someone. I didn’t know how to explain to them that the fact that I booked a doctors appointment a month out, got a referral, and actually made an appointment with the physical therapist and kept up with the appointments was a small miracle.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I was married to a diabetic for over 20 years. Please, and I mean this with my heart in the best place, don’t do that again. Get up and go get your food. You are the ONLY person noticing, believe me.

      Speaking as his other half, I noticed every. single. time his blood sugar dipped a little bit. I could see tiny changes in his behavior and tiny changes on his face. If he let it go on, the changes got a bit bigger. It caused me a lot of worry.

      If I cannot encourage you to take care, please google insulin rooms. NO. Don’t. Please just eat something when you need it. It’s not worth incurring damage, perhaps lasting damage inside your body just so other people “aren’t disturbed”.

      1. Self care in progress*

        Thank you. I am very careful about keeping food on me, as a way of getting around the issue while I work on it.

        I just…yeah, struggle with believing that my needs are important enough. And when combined with my I shall not bother people thing, it’s not great.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Good for you for taking that step – you should be proud!

      May it be one of many, many more.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Oh, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I’ve had many days/nights where I felt low and just didn’t want to move. For me it was just being comfortable in bed, but of course sleep wasn’t going to happen unless I treated it. I know exactly how it feels when you’re in the middle of people who would notice. You know how dangerous it can be.

    5. misspiggy*

      If you’re female and under, say, 50, I’m wondering if thinking of it as partly physical could help. I say this because I’m at the age for perimenopause and I’ve been surprised how much I no longer care about the group versus myself. I just don’t have these internal battles any more. As nothing else has changed, I’m starting to think it’s from falling oestrogen levels.

      Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe, but I’m on long-term medication that suppresses periods, so I had no outward sign. And it came on quite suddenly (along with bouts of rage, ahem). I’d learned assertiveness strategies over the years, but now I’m not having to use them. I don’t find myself thinking of others’ needs unless I consciously choose to. I’m actually having to deploy consideration strategies so I don’t ride roughshod over people.

      I wish someone had told me that huge consideration for others could be hormonally linked. Not always and not only: socialisation plays a huge part, and I’m sure there are cis men with similar issues. But if I’d thought the drive to put myself last was partly down to internal ‘nurturing impulses’, I think I’d have been able to evaluate it better in relation to my actual needs.

      1. Self care in progress*

        Oh, it’s trauma related for me. I grew up with abusive parents who were particularly abusive when they were upset for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and they dealt with those negative emotions by taking them out on me.

        So I told myself, over and over, that I would never do that to other people. And yes, I know I have taken it to the extreme by attempting to never impose myself on other people in any way. Working on it.

    6. Anono-me*

      Please please please take care of yourself for yourself. You are worth it. You are a hundred million times worth it.

      That being said it might be helpful for you to know what would be going through my mind if I were in a group with you.

      Scenario 1: If you got up and quietly excused yourself for a few moments, here is what I would be thinking :”…so if I change to this new way I can save myself about 5 Steps-oh SCIP must need to go to the bathroom.Do I need to go? No. Good.- I can use the time that saves me to paint it purple. Did I remember to take the chicken out of the freezer? Purple and maybe some silvery accents. I guess we’re having pancakes for supper. Or maybe gold accents with…”

      Scenario 2: Here’s what would be going through my head if you waited too long and you collapsed.” … gold acc– Oh!!!!! What happened?!?!?! What’s wrong?!?! What do I do?!?! ” Then the entire time we were helping you get stabilized and maybe to the hospital, there would be a back up chorus in my brain of “Oh my G___, am I doing the right thing? Please let me be doing the right thing?”. After it was all over, there would be a lot of “I hope I did the right thing. I hope SCIP is okay.” Eventually it would change to “Why didn’t SCIP say something earlier? Did I do something to make SCIP think it was not safe to say anything to me?” Lots of me mentally reviewing of all of our previous interactions for something that may have upset you. And then you would probably have to endure an awkward conversation with me apologizing for having made you feel unsafe in some way and asking you to tell me how I can do better.

      I suspect that most people are more self-absorbed than you think, and also I think not taking care of yourself right away may actually be counterproductive for your desire to maintain a low profile.

      So again, please take care of yourself for yourself. But if you’re not at that point right now, please take care of yourself for whatever reason works to get you to take care of yourself.

  25. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Has anyone else sharply culled down their social media since the pandemic started?

    On Facebook, I’ve unfollowed anyone who:
    (1) posts multiple virus-related things per day
    (2) posts political vitriol, even if it’s on the same side I am
    (3) posts nonstop things related to whatever the civil rights outrage of the day is
    (4) shames me for not being vegan.

    For better or worse, that actually eliminated almost everyone for me. I now see the posts of approximately 6 people daily and can finish going through Facebook in about three minutes each day. I’m not sure whether this is good or if it’s sad.

    1. PX*

      This is the best. In general I always advocate for making your social media (and really it should be your life in general ) a thing that gives you joy.

      So I go onto Facebook about once a quarter and instead spend most of my time on instagram where aside from ads, my feed is only made up of people I choose to follow which currently consists mainly of: reasonably entertaining celebrities, comedians, food/restaurants and pretty art/fashion/jewellery.

    2. 653-CXK*

      I terminated my Facebook account a year ago last week…I had joined eleven years ago because all of my brothers were on it, and back then it was a nascent program that seemed innocent enough – I used it to post pictures and catch up with my family and high school classmates.

      The reason I quit was there were more and more stories about Facebook being a privacy violator, a digital robber baron, and enjoying censorship way, way too much. That, and the hyper-militant “let’s bash someone because they are not thinking what I’m thinking” was the impetus of hitting the “delete your account?” button.

      I don’t miss Facebook at all.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        This is kind of happening organically for me.

        It’s unfortunate, because although Facebook is indeed a disaster when it comes to privacy and censorship, it would still be great for me if people used it for its intended purpose. Many of the folks I blocked are people who genuinely are interesting and that I’d want to read legitimate updates from.

        1. 653-CXK*

          True. When people use FB for good purposes, it’s a good program. I just got tired of people in the comments sections going full-gong deranged after someone dared to say Y when the groupthink rigidly believe X.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Borrowing this thread here- For people without FB accounts what do you do when a local business has NO other webpage but FB?
        Just recently I contacted one business where I had to hunt all over for a non-FB method (email address) to use. It’s been weeks they have still not replied. Eh, my life goes on. But I did wonder what if I really, really wanted to do business with them and they only used FB, then what.

        1. Lcsa99*

          I don’t have a Facebook page and I’ve found that while individuals have their Facebook pages set as private, many companies have it open; so on the pop up you get asking you to sign in you can generally click “not now” and it’ll let you see most of the info on the page. It keeps asking you to log in periodically which is annoying but you can get the info you need.

    3. Sunset breeze*

      Not pandemic related, but I generally curate my online experience much more heavily than most people seem to, and unfollow/unfriend/mute/block as needed to make sure it’s a positive space for me. I find it really important to make sure that the spaces I use to socialise online are healthy and supportive for me. My Facebook is family I actually like, and friends, and organisations I support, plus some groups I enjoy (mostly author fangroups and work-related professional support groups). Twitter is friends and fandom people I enjoy. Instagram is pretty makeup, nature and space photography, plus actual friends posting say to day stuff. If anything on any of them starts bugging me when I see it, I block or mute or unfollow at will.

    4. Rebecca*

      I have “unfollowed” one person so far, because the long profanity laced violent rants about one side of the political aisle and endless conspiracy theories about COVID-19. I’ve talked to her on the phone, explained what I think, and it got to the point if I post anything, she would hijack the post with violent rhetoric. She also sends links to videos on messenger “watch this before they delete it” type things – good grief. More conspiracy theories than the entire run of The X-Files TV show. I’ve unfollowed her, and if I post anything about COVID-19, like an update from our state dept of health, I post to friends except her. I am truly worried about her mental health.

    5. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’m doing a 30-day mute on anyone who posts things that make me feel worse than not reading them. I think this is pretty much the minimum self-care I deserve at the moment.

      So what if you have a very thin feed, if it all enriches you (whether emotionally or intellectually). If you want more to look at, you could seek out deliberately supportive or positive pages or groups. Immerse yourself in slow cooker fudge or “let’s pretend we’re all ants” or whatever amuses you.

      1. OperaArt*

        I’ve become a Big fan of the 30 day mute, although I’ll escalate if necessary. First unfollow, then unfriend, then block.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          It’s very useful.

          Often, your friend gets whatever it is out of their system, or you come out of your difficult days, and after thirty days you don’t mind what they’re posting.

      2. Kiwi with laser beams*

        This is a really good description of how I’m curating mine. I’ve definitely noticed that I have less online stuff to read, but every time I’ve culled stuff online, I was resenting the people in question before I stopped reading their stuff. By changing what I’m reading, I’m doing something to change the situation.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I find often it’s not their fault I’m sneering at their post – for a while my friend was posting nice things about her children that rubbed me up the wrong way, which was just weird because I like her and I like it when people post about their children so I don’t know exactly why I was getting so wound up … but a 30-day rest from reading them sorted whatever problem I had.

          And then there’s the wider OneGenerationOlder inlaws who I really don’t need to argue with. Permanent unfollow on several.

          If they ever ask if you saw their post on xyz, you just blame the algorithm. It seems to show you some “new” posts from last week and a bunch of ads and something you’ve already seen twice today and no huh weird I didn’t see your meme about how teachers are lazy (!)

    6. Four-legged Fosterer*

      My use has probably gone up, but only because I mostly use it for rescue work and kitten season has arrived so there is a lot more coordination and many photos of baby kittens.

      I limited who I friended from the start, and get personal updates as well as the occasional rational interesting article. It’s not perfect, but definitely manageable for me.

    7. LGC*

      I’d probably be on your cull list. (Mostly because for me, a lot of that stuff…directly intersects with who I am. Not the vegan part, though.)

      I’ve done some culls myself. I’m more of a fan of the snooze, just because a lot of times people just get histrionic (hi) and they need to work out their issues with Dr. Zuckerberg. So I don’t want to unfollow unless they’re being really obnoxious. One of my friends was constantly berating her friends and the entire state for not complying with social distancing (she’s a nurse), and I ended up pulling the trigger. So I don’t think it’s awful by any means – and if only six people’s posts means that your anxiety is a lot lower, that’s a win.

      I think, too, there’s a couple of problems with Facebook and other social media that surface posts based on engagement. Namely, the algorithms think that any attention is good attention. This works great when it’s a TikTok about some buff guy twerking on camera a Native American guy talking about braiding his hair or even limited posts about social justice issues. The problem is, I’ve found myself just looking at dramatic posts and then Facebook deciding I need to see everything from that person. Or putting people on snooze, and then getting a tsunami of their posts in the past week when it expires. Like, no, Mark, I don’t want to see Richard’s posts about how businesses need to reopen and wearing facemasks is tyranny, that’s why I ignored him for thirty days. Also, you don’t need to surface Karen’s constant rambling that makes her the center of the universe and also how she totally had the ‘rona back in January guys but she hasn’t gotten tested yet.

      …I have issues with Facebook, but I’m too old to go anywhere else.

      1. Fikly*

        I would be on their cull list too, probably. But I’d also be proud of it, because someone who uses the phrase “civil rights outrage of the day” makes me think that they don’t think it’s something that matters.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          A number of my friends’ posts make me feel like a monster for being white and being a man. Those are valid viewpoints that are justifiable now in many ways, but I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do about being either of those.

          1. TG*

            I would examine why you feel that way though. Are they actually calling all white men monsters? Or do the civil rights issues they post about make you uncomfortable?

          2. LGC*

            I’ll try to say this as compassionately as possible, but…I’d examine why their posts make you feel like a monster for being a white man. Maybe not the posts themselves, but your feelings around them.

            For what it’s worth…that said, it’s both true that 1) it’s not always about you as a person (hell, using my friend as an example, her points were valid and prescient) and 2) sometimes you don’t want to be Educated. Like, a month and a half ago, I was barely holding myself together and I was convinced that hundreds of thousands of people were going to die in my area alone by June and I was going to get sick myself and end up in the ICU of my local community hospital, so the last thing I needed was to open Facebook and see “LOOK WHAT YOU JERKS DID” with the latest COVID stats. But also, that’s my anxiety and tendency towards catastrophic thinking talking, and honestly it did look really bad until the beginning of this month. She needed to scream, I needed a hug, and neither of us could provide what the other needed.

            …this escalated very quickly.

          3. Blueberry*

            You can refrain from using your social power to make things worse for people who are not white and/or not men, and if you have a chance to, even use your social power to make things better for such people and/or amplify our voices. Among other benefits is that you can then tell yourself, “tthat’s not me” when someone posts angrily about structural racism and/or sexism. (it’s more complicated than that, of course, but even a small action can be a useful rebuttal to the brain weasels.)

          4. What happened to this place*

            Oh please. Of course you can. You can be an ally. Clearly even just “seeing” people’s outrage at the unjust systems is too much for you, though, how sad.

          5. Fikly*

            You can’t change being white and male, but as someone white and male, you are, by default, benefiting from a system that is set up for your benefit.

            White men are not inherently a problem. White men who do not acknowledge that the problem exists, or white men who simply go through life benefitting while doing nothing to try to make it better for people not like them, are a problem. White men have both the most power to change the system, and are at the least risk if they try to change the system.

            So the reason you feel bad when you read those posts? It’s because you’re telling yourself there’s nothing you can do, and deep down, you know that’s not true.

            1. lazy intellectual*

              This is all true, but slacktivists who just post a bunch of statuses insulting white men get annoying, and I don’t blame people from muting them. There is a difference between “this system unfairly benefits white men at the expense of marginalized people” and juvenile statements like “I hate white men @#$!”.

                1. lazy intellectual*

                  I’m not assuming anything. I don’t know what posts he is reading. I’m just saying that these kinds of posts can go both ways in terms of being constructive.

        2. Jackalope*

          I would add my perspective, which is a bit more sympathetic (and closer to what LGC said). I have a number of people who are passionate about various civil rights issues, and most of the time I’m happy that they post because it educates me about things I might otherwise miss. I have one friend on FB for example who is passionate about making sure that everyone gets the chance to hear about otherwise missed things, with a focus on people of color in particular but not exclusively. (I especially appreciate this because she doesn’t just post about the awful things, but also a lot of stuff about people of color really rocking it, making a difference in the world or doing brilliantly brainy things or what have you.) In normal life this is helpful and useful, and I do my best to use that information for good (knowing things to call my Congress reps on, for example, that might otherwise be sliding under the radar).

          I will say, though, that I’m having a hard time with this right now. Knowing that: black people are even more than usual being murdered for being black; that Native Americans are getting sick & dying in numbers far outweighing other people groups; victims of domestic violence & child abuse are stuck in the house 24/7 with their abusers; disabled people are on the do not resuscitate list if they get sick; that planeloads of people who came to the US desperately seeking asylum are being shipped back to their native countries sick with coronavirus and in some cases after their children have been forcibly removed from them; people who have lost their jobs are being evicted, starving, and losing health care; etc., etc…. It’s too much grimness to deal with constantly. I am doing my best to make a difference in the ways that I can – I’m donating to organizations that are helping mitigate COVID-19 concerns for as many of these groups as possible, calling my representatives, and so on. But at some point in time I just have to let it go and recognize that holed up in my house, I have limited ability to take action, and it kills me to hear about so much suffering that I can’t help with. I’m not burying my head in the sand, but I do need time just listening to funny quarantine parody songs and petting the critters.

          1. Fikly*

            This is totally valid!

            My objection is not to putting up boundaries on your media consumption (or whatever) so as to avoid making your own mental health worse.

            My objection is to the phrasing that implies these issues, of human and civil rights, and other things, are not important to begin with.

            2. LGC*

              Yeah, the phrasing was…not great! (I am pointedly avoiding the more direct terms I’d normally use because AAM is a classy site.) I think, to be charitable, I’m not sure if OP doesn’t think they’re important wholesale or if he just feels overwhelmed and is throwing up his hands. Both can look really similar!

              And I’m not excusing him because he’s a white guy. I’ve gone through the same thing where I’ve just read about yet another Tragic Thing and I know I should be outraged, but I can’t manage to be outraged because I’m just so exhausted from it all. The good thing about social media is that you hear about things that you wouldn’t hear about otherwise…but the flip side of that is that sometimes it feels like every day you’re logging in and being told to be angry about something new. It’s not like those things aren’t important – it’s just that it can be draining to be told that you need to care about everything with the implication that if you don’t have headspace to care about it right now you’re a horrible person. (Although…that might just be me.)

              1. Fikly*

                There is a difference between being unable to be outraged because you are just burned out, and going, well, this doesn’t matter, though.

                And by diminishing real issues, you are becoming part of the problem, because you are normalizing them not being important.

          2. lazy intellectual*

            As someone who is engaged in leftist politics, some leftist activists do annoy me and I have to block them (either on social media or from my life.) I truly believe some of them use leftist values as a veiled justification for just being nasty to people, and I’m not here for it. (I had someone berate me for dating a white man. I am a non-white female. Apparently dating a white man was “betraying my people”. Just Nope.)

        3. Analyst Editor*

          When the outage machine would nonstop, the signal gets lost in the noise. Not all “civil rights” causes Re created equal.

          2. Blueberry*

            So how do we decide who actually deserves to be oppressed vs who shouldn’t be?

            1. nonegiven*

              Nobody should be oppressed, except maybe assholes, but it’s not something I can deal with 24/7.

    8. Bluebell*

      Yup- I’ve done the 30 day snooze on some of the most active posters, even if I agree with them in theory. One acquaintance has a talent for finding the most upsetting news articles about new corona symptoms and complications- she’s next on the list. I wish there could be filters that let me look at the cute pet photos and fun updates, but skip the anarchist political rants.

    9. MatKnifeNinja*

      I nuked everyone who never took a science class (most of my extended family), and who crows about COVID-19 isn’t real, it’s a DNC conspiracy, people who wear masks are sheep etc etc etc.

      The people I have to deal with on holidays has already shrunk 50 percent. I have a couple more working their way onto the block list.

      People can have their opinions. I have one relative who was running around during a protest with a Confederate flag. We live in a Union state. None of our ancestors are from the South. This particular person has never lived anywhere else but here. We’ve lived in this area since the 1600s. So why they are acting like Jefferson Davis’s BFF is beyond me.

      I can’t with sloppy thinking anymore.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      It sounds good to me. I actually started blocking people who comment on OTHER people’s Facebook posts in a way that upsets me. It feels WONDERFUL. You have six wonderful Facebook friends and you have more free time to play Mumblety-Peg if you’d like.

    11. Piano Girl*

      Yes. I have a few friends that are so extreme that I can’t deal with them right now. I was so surprised how big of a relief it’s been. Most are snoozed for 30 days at this point, and I’ve resnoozed a few already.

    12. Dan*

      I never got into FB in the first place, and TBH, I’ve never felt I missed anything. I think my primary reasons were twofold: 1) Putting my life on display for the whole world didn’t make any sense, and more importantly, 2) I spend all day on the computer for work, the last thing I want to do is spend my non-work time on the computer. I’m an introvert and live by myself; I do need my social contact to be face-to-face.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I think that’s a 100 percent legitimate viewpoint. That’s why my spouse isn’t on social media. Honestly, I think she’s the smarter of the two of us.

    13. lazy intellectual*

      I’ve managed to curate my Facebook so that I get posts only from people or pages/groups that I enjoy seeing. I was one of those people who got a Facebook shortly after it was new. It started out fun – just my friends and high school classmates posting fun stuff on each other’s walls, writing flirty comments on crushes’ photos, taking quizzes, etc.
      Before Facebook, the same group of friends and I had a running e-mail thread with similar things, so it was basically an extension of that.

      It got bad when I got to college. Suddenly, my “Friends” exploded to include randos I met once at orientation or at someone’s party, and this was before the unsubscribe feature where you could unfollow posts. I noticed going on Facebook made me more stressed/burnt out then joyful and relaxed. I paused my account for a while, then logged back in and did a cleansweep where I unfriended anyone I didn’t care to stay connected with.

      Now, I only have 62 Facebook friends. I don’t follow the majority of them. I mostly engage with a couple of fandom groups and read articles from my favorite news sources and that’s it.

    14. kz*

      I deactivated my Facebook (really the only social media I was using) about a week after my state went into lockdown. It was an excellent decision, my anxiety and random anger and frustration at strangers have gone way down. I havent looked back and dont know when (if ever) I’ll reactivate.

    15. RagingADHD*

      Yes, but my criteria are different.

      On FB: anyone who is pointlessly argumentative, rude, passive-agressive, oversharing TMI, or spouting dangerous nonsense (especially if they come on someone else’s wall to do it.)

      On Twitter, I’m full on Marie Kondo – any post that even slightly annoys me, the person is unfollowed. I don’t really have IRL contacts on there, so easy come easy go.

    16. Quoth the Raven*

      I uninstalled Facebook and Twitter from my phone, and blocked them on my laptop, only allowing unblocking them for 10-15 minutes a day just to see what’s what. In my case, the constant negativity from many of my contacts and, at the same time, the blatant disregard from others (think toxic positivity kind of posts) were making my existing depression and anxiety worse. I actually do feel it has helped, and I might keep it up once shelter in place is over.

      I still use Instagram regularly, but that actually helps because I mostly follow accounts that focus on dogs (I’ve made friends with several fellow Australian Cattle Dog owners), animals, art, and cosplay. This often cheers me up.

    17. Analyst Editor*

      Facebook has gotten really bad at alerting me of people’s milestones, like weddings, babies, graduations. It also gives me lots of info on friends of friends I don’t know that well, so I end up muting people for that reason too.

      But in general, the ads have gotten really obnoxious, the medium is not conducive for nuanced debate – and a lot of what gets shared is so misleading and so grossly terrible, no amount of argument can help fix it. And on top of it the censorship aspect across all these platforms leave a sour taste in my mouth.

      Unfortunately some social groups I belong to do all their organizing through Facebook, and I keep contact with friends and family through it, so I can’t turn it off entirely…..

    18. Anonnington*

      Yeah, I’ve been taking this time to block people. It’s mostly based on their offline behavior, but their online behavior is a factor too. Not so much the news feed as the comments on my own posts, or private messages. I have zero tolerance for bigots. People think they can direct hate speech at me and that it’s all good. No. Not associating with that.

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Honestly this is my biggest part of social media. Second is a housekeeping group where everyone is just talking about keeping things organized and developing better or easier cleaning habits. I probably should make some stomping off into the sunset statement on Facebook, because I’m finding out late about important events in people’s lives.

  26. Blue Eagle*

    Decluttering Update #5

    Well, after 30 days of staying at home pursuant to the coronavirus shelter-in-place order I was in somewhat of a funk and didn’t feel much like decluttering my 10 items every day. So DH suggested that because the springtime weather finally arrived, instead of spending an hour a day decluttering it would be better to spend that time working on the lawn, in the garden and in the flower beds.

    So I happily raked and overseeded the section of the lawn with bare spots, spread the pre-emergent crabgrass fertilizer on the rest of the lawn, planted seeds for spinach and two kinds of swiss chard (the seedlings are doing great and ready to be transplanted outdoors!), planted tomato seeds (didn’t do so well, I’ll be buying a 4-pack of Roma’s), pulled dandelions from the lawn, pulled over 1000 volunteer garlic that were overtaking the flower beds, pulled miscellaneous weeds from the flower beds and spread mulch by the trees and the flower beds. Whew! what a lot of work. But who minds being outside in the sunshine and fresh air and being rewarded with blooming bloodroot, forsythia, hyacinths, daffodils, trillium, and gorgeous pink columbine as well as watching the iris stems and the peony stems rise from the ground and get ever taller.

    Maybe the monthlong break is what I need to regain my enthusiasm for decluttering. Fingers crossed that next month’s decluttering update will actually be about decluttering.

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      In the meantime, this month was still about making your home wonderful, so nothing sad about that. You go!

    2. MistOrMister*

      My goal has been to do one productive thing a day. My big aim is the declutter, but anything productive is allowed. Maybe we just get declutter burnout. I did really well for 2 to 3 weeks and last friday I hit a huge wall. I think I went this entire past week without doing ANYTHING beside the work for my job. Yesterday I started weeding and today was more garden work and an attempt to clean the kitchen will be made once I regain my meager strength. Like you, I hope some days of yard work will get me back into house clearing mode. I was maybe halfway or a bit more along, so I really need to buck up and finish!

      1. Dancing Otter*

        One productive thing a day. I can identify with that. Way too much time on the internet, but one productive thing per day.
        My issue is that I keep getting pushed to do productive things for others’ benefit, not the productive things I want to do. I am so SICK of making masks! And somehow the person who promised to iron all the ties (PITA plus) if I will make her more masks is never available when ties are the very thing holding up production.

  27. The Other Dawn*

    Given all that’s going on with COVID right now, and the fact that I’m still recovering from two back surgeries (March) and coming off the meds now, at what point do I get evaluated for possible depression? (Sorry, this may be long.)

    I had lumbar fusion in March–two surgeries, two weeks apart. I’m recovering well (no back pain anymore!) and I’ve been doing physical therapy for three weeks now. I’m tapering off the oxy and will be done with that in a couple days. I’m doing OK with it, though I feel like there’s nothing left for good pain relief if I get the leg aches (happens a few times a week still) since I can’t take NSAIDs and Tylenol is useless for that. I’ve been on gabapentin for about five weeks for the lingering sciatica (thankfully that’s gone now OMG!!). I was started at a low dose and then tapered up. About two weeks after tapering up I started randomly tearing up a lot, feeling very…blah. Then earlier this week I started crying a lot for what I thought was no reason. The next day I cried from 7 am until about 2 pm. stopping only long enough to get myself to PT and the grocery store. (I felt bad because it was my husband’s birthday and I could barely pull myself together to grill a steak for him.) I called the doctor the next day and found out that gabapentin can cause depression, so they had me taper off. I finished it yesterday.

    I’m working part time from home (desk job at a bank, the whole back office is WFH right now) and plan to go back to full time soon. Working from home has been a massive struggle for a few reasons: in the beginning I couldn’t sit for more than 10-15 minutes at my desk without leg pain; standing at my sit/stand desk was a no-go because leg pain would set in; and working from the recliner is annoying, though I’ve made it work by getting one of those rolling hospital bed tables so I can put my laptop on it (having a laptop sitting on my legs was painful in the beginning).

    Having been at home and isolated (husband and cats, no kids) since March 3 has been way more challenging that I thought it would be. Even though I’m an introvert, I do like and need some level of human interaction. Since March 3 that’s been limited to my two one-night hospital stays, PT twice a week, a couple doctor visits, trips to the pharmacy and grocery store, one visit from my sister the first weekend in March, a few short video conferences for work, and texting with a few family members and friends. My husband works outside the home since his company is deemed essential, so I’m home alone everyday, other than his two days off, with nothing to do other than work a few hours, watch TV and do some laundry. In the past, I would have gone into my gym to work out, but I’m very limited as to what I can do at the moment so I don’t even have that right now. Although I don’t *love* working out, it makes me feel good physically and mentally.

    If I had to describe my feelings, it would be: boredom, no sense of purpose, isolated, apathetic about most things, and very unmotivated. I feel very stuck right now. I’m eating, though it’s mostly takeout or crap I really don’t need to be eating. I’m taking showers and doing laundry. I have no history of depression or any other mental health issues, though there is depression and anxiety among younger family members (nieces). I don’t believe any of my siblings have or have had anything like that going on. Normally I’m someone who doesn’t dwell on things. Sure, I can get into a repetitive thought pattern, but it’s not along the lines of feeling worthless or anything like that. And I can typically stop myself. For the most part, I’m a “get over it and move on” type of person. I try to always keep in mind something a former boss once told me: “Only worry about the things you can change. If you can’t change it, don’t waste the time and energy worrying about it. Move on” That has always served me well.

    Whenever I think I should contact a doctor (what kind would I contact?), knowing that so many other people are going through this and maybe it’s just the pandemic combined with two major surgeries stops me. I feel like maybe I’m just being a baby and I need to “get over it.” I feel like I should give it more time to see if it resolves. On the other hand, crying randomly everyday and constantly being on the verge of tears is absolutely not normal for me.

    1. Indigo*

      You aren’t alone. Surgery is a big deal, coupled with a pandemic. It’s never to early to talk to your family doctor about depression. Maybe virtual counselling, medication or both are the answer for you. I’ve dealt with mild depression for years and this pandemic finally broke me enough to ask for antidepressants, my doctor was really good about it. Don’t feel bad about asking for help. *virtual hugs*

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I’ve talked to a couple people I know that have depression and they feel like it might be mild depression. I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. I didn’t even recognize what it might be until earlier this week when I just couldn’t stop crying; this isn’t normal for me at all. I also feel like I can’t focus on anything, which is frustrating.

    2. Misty*

      Surgery is a big deal and with everything going on in the world now too, I think a lot of people may be feeling bad also! It makes sense that you would be feeling bad with the isolation, surgeries, and not being able to exercise. You’re not alone (if that helps at all). I would contact your doctor who took you off the gabapentin and tell him or her how you are feeling.

      Maybe you could find a teletherapist if your insurance covers it? I’ve been seeing my therapist over video and while it’s not as helpful as in person, it’s still helpful to talk to someone imo. I personally would not give it more time to resolve, I would get right on this if you have the option to reach out for help. Better safe than sorry, you know? Like if you reach out for help now, maybe you can be feeling better sooner where as if you wait to see if it resolves on it’s own, then you may be feeling bad longer. This is just my opinion though based on my experiences.

      Let us know in the future how you are doing if you want to. I will be keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      Best thing a therapist once told me: “Life doesn’t have to be this hard.” So maybe you could gumption your way through this, but you don’t have to; even with a pandemic raging. You are not alone with your struggles and that makes you just as deserving of help, not less so. Think of what you have as similar to walking pneumonia: you can function, but you’re still sick. The fact that you can function makes you no less deserving of treatment. Start with your regular doctor and work your way through the process. Maybe all you need is some compassion and helpful tips. Maybe you’ll need something more. But depression and anxiety can lie to you about your worth and what you need so talk to your doctor.

    4. Lockstep*

      Are you weening off the gabapentin? The negative mental health symptoms you report are classic signs of gabapentin withdrawal.
      Go very slow, but be aware that even a slow taper can be difficult.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I was only on it for about five weeks and I didn’t see these symptoms until about two weeks after they increased the dosage. When I finally figured it out and thought to ask about it, they said that gabapentin can cause these feelings. I started at 300mg/day (very low dose) and they increased it to 900mg/day, which is the “standard” dose they said.

        1. Lockstep*

          5 weeks is enough to cause issues with mental health and even once stopped, it can take the brain more time (months) to chemically normalize.

      2. Natalie*

        General anesthesia can also cause depression in large numbers of patients (like 50-65%). But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to someone about treatment! Even short term or situational depression can benefit from intervention, especially when everything else is so fragile.

    5. PX*

      I’m just coming to the end of my therapy sessions and one thing I said to my therapist is literally “I feel much less stuck now than I did when I started”.

      Your post sounds very similar to what I posted here last year and everyone said basically the same thing which I paraphrase as: “if you can get some therapy, do it because there are no prizes for unnecessary suffering.” If you’re not feeling good, there are qualified people out there who can help you feel better, so why not make use of it.

      And I feel so much better for it. For me just having a neutral person I can talk to has been incredibly helpful. A few thoughtful questions from her and some resources (plus some well timed life changes) have basically solved 90% of what I was struggling with.

      So my advice is if you can, find an EAP from work or see if your insurance covers some amount of mental health support, and make use of it!

    6. Koala dreams*

      Hopefully you can get assessed for depression on the first visit, but some doctors don’t know a lot about mental health and if you need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist it can be a waiting time. (Not sure how it works where you live.) I’d recommend you to start with your GP, if you have access to one. You can also see if you can find a therapist or a counsellor. Maybe the hospital that did your surgery can help you find one? Often people need mental health support after surgeries. Yes, many people suffer from depression (and other mental health illnesses) at some point in their life, but I don’t see why that should stop you. Many people have surgeries too, yet that isn’t a reason to refuse surgery. It’s the same with treatment for mental health issues.

    7. Fikly*

      Here’s the thing – how you are feeling is affecting your life.

      Is it a long term depressive disorder? It is situational? Right now, that doesn’t really matter. You should get evaluated for how to feel better now. You deserve to feel better now.

    8. Dr. Anonymous*

      There are few things that make me sadder as a doctor than when people don’t seek care because they feel they should be suffering more first. Call your primary care doctor as a start. You deserve care!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “they feel they should be suffering more first.”

        That’s exactly how I feel.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I’d consider a nutritionist. You have had a number of things that are helping to pull vitamins and minerals right out of your body. Any ONE of these things can do a real number and you have had SEVERAL. Yeah, no wonder you feel crappy.

      Barest minimum please consider getting a drink with electrolytes in it. Minerals can help the brain to function and it can help with muscle pains. (NOT cure it, but help lessen it.) You might be interested in some vitamin D and/or vitamin B to help with the crying. A tired heart can lead to crying for no apparent reason.

      This winter I went with 10k units of vitamin D. (Do not do this without a professional helping.) OMG, it made such a difference in my mind set. Nothing else had changed, it was still winter, I still had to run out and snowblow after every storm, etc. I felt lighter, it was not such a burden to get through the long winter days.

      Work some veggies into your daily intake. This could be putting veggies in a blender and drinking them or it could be a soup. Veggies will also help with leg pain and other pains. But the trick is to do it regularly. Personally, I feel better when I have fresh veggies even if I cook them, as opposed to frozen. Oddly, in doing home cooked for my dog, I notice that my old boy did better with the fresh (but cooked) veggies also.

    10. Lyra*

      I think most people suffering from depression would say they wished they had gotten help earlier, not later! Not just to spare the unnecessary suffering, or to prevent it from becoming more intractable (both good reasons on their own) but also because as depression gets more severe, it affects your motivation and ability to seek treatment, distorts your perception of yourself and what ‘normal’ is. I think you’re at the ideal time to talk to someone about it: you have concrete symptoms that are bothering you, you’re aware of how it differs from your baseline, and you can still relatively easily seek out help. It may also take longer than you expect (depending on waiting lists, insurance, etc), so best to get the ball rolling now. And no therapist is going to be surprised that you need some extra support with surgery + pandemic.

      As an aside, there’s evidence that inflammation (such as that related to surgery) can be a cause of depression (not the sole cause, but one of many potential causes). As can the medications you mentioned. There’s also a strong association with chronic pain, and chronic pain and depression can feed into each other. Anyway, even if you don’t meet the threshold of clinical depression, it’s better to start dealing with the symptoms you have and head it off than to wait for it to be making your life even harder.

    11. Door Paneling*

      Even if your low mood is caused by the one-two surgery/pandemic punch, therapy will still be effective! If you break your leg falling out of a tree, you need the same treatment as if you broke it in a car accident. In neither case would you expect to “get over it.” If your low mood is impacting your daily life, get it treated! Call your family doctor if you have one, or you can search for therapists in your area and call around. Psychology Today’s website has listings. Good luck!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I posted below, not having refreshed the page and seen your comment.

    12. The Other Dawn*

      One more question: what kind of doctor would I see? I’m looking up mental health providers on my insurance website, but all the different designations are confusing. My insurance does not require a referral from my primary care doctor, and I’d prefer to not go to her anyway; I’ve been thinking about changing to another PCP for a while, but haven’t done it yet.

      1. cleo*

        Psychiatrists can prescribe medication. Psychologists (and counselors and therapists) can’t. That’s the main difference. Then there are many, many different schools / approaches within psychology.

        I’d start with a psychologist or counselor with experience working with depression and recovery from medical procedures. If they think you need to see a psychiatrist or other type of mental health care professional instead, they’ll tell you.

        Psychology Today has extensive listings of mental health care professionals that you can search by country / city and also by specialty. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

        I’ve found therapists several ways that might work for you:

        Try a health center or group practice – I really prefer going somewhere where I can do an intake interview and have them assign me someone who seems like a good fit.

        Get recommendations from friends who’ve had a lot of therapy (and seem to have their act mostly together)

        Call a hotline and ask for suggestions (I used one for my specific issues but for you, Id see if your community has a mental health hotline.)

        Also. The hospital you got your surgery at may have a social worker who can recommend a therapist.

        Good luck! Dealing with depression is never easy, but dealing with it for the first time is really hard.

    13. AnonLurker Appa*

      Sound like you could use some help.

      I say this as a person with mild chronic depression and anxiety. It took me years to decide to start going to therapy, a while to find a therapist that worked for me, and I’m now on meds for both. I struggled with, “Its really not **that** bad” for a long time. You don’t have to need a lot of help to still just need a little help here and there.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Good things from everyone but I would also ask your doctor who prescribed the Oxycontin about withdrawal symptoms. Mood changes are right at the top of the list of withdrawal symptoms. And you were starting in on medical MJ weren’t you? I haven’t had reason to look at the side effects on that one myself.
      Because this has affected your eating habits, the nutritional check is a good idea, even if it’s not the reason it could be a side effect. Hopefully you’ve been able to get outside to see a little bit of this bit of spring we are finally having. Hang in there!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I plan to ask this week. The physician’s assistants, which are the ones that deal with me for the most part, didn’t tell me what I could expect as far as withdrawals. Even though it’s a slow taper and they seem to think I won’t have any symptoms, it would have been nice if they’d told me. Yes, I could have asked, but I’ve never had to taper off any kind of medication before.

  28. Retail not Retail*

    Anybody take advantage of stuff reopening?

    We’ve been open since Wednesday and seen far lower numbers than normal (we’re only half open anyway). I’ve picked up holds at the city library and my town library is offering curbside hold pickup. I’ll take advantage of that to show it’s popular!

    Book due dates are real again!

    1. KD*

      Things are gradually starting to open up here, but I truly don’t know if whether it does more harm or good for me to begin patronizing restaurants for carry out for meals or the library.

      I know the owners want us to utilize curbside pickup or mobile carry out to help keep the business afloat, but I can’t help but think that many of the workers who are being forced to return even though the health risks are just as bad or worse than they were two months ago when they closed probably resent us for it. The higher ups who call the shots aren’t the ones handling the day-to-day fulfillment of orders or holds and coming into contact with the public. There is low risk for the customers or patrons who stay safely in their cars for curbside pickup, but a much higher risk for the employees who have to work in close proximity all day long with each other.

      I’m very curious about the thoughts of workers at places that are starting to open up, but that may veer too much into the work territory on this weekend thread.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        I could have kept my holds paused for a while, but they started it by e-mailing me so.

        When I saw the notice about curbside hold pickup for my town library (only linked to one another library), I figured taking advantage of that would be good for their numbers. They need the library to stay important for city officials.

        Maybe next Thursday we can do the “we’re opening and suffering” thread. Not the going back to work in an office, but open to the public.

        I can say I don’t have to deal with them. There are material changes but I don’t work directly with them.

      2. Retail not Retail*

        One work comment – just one! – and it’s advice for customers who by definition aren’t working.

        Resentment comes when you complain about xyz being different. Get over yourself.

      3. Dan*

        There’s no easy answers to this. My job is not at risk for the forseeable future, so I kind of feel like I have an obligation of sorts to get some money out in the economy, and I do need to eat and all of that.

        Unemployment doesn’t last forever, and the extra “stimulus” money doesn’t last forever either. So if these businesses ultimately fail, nobody has a job to go back to at all.

        Permanent lock down isn’t a solution either, so the virus either gets under control or we learn to live with it and accept those risks.

        My personal opinion is that “we” have accepted lock down for a bit because the virus is new and scary and nobody understands it. But once “people” (I mean the collection of humans in society, not any particular group) feels like they understand the risks, then lock down will be less acceptable by society.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Right now, one of the only big changes in Illinois are that groomers could reopen, so our dog has an appointment next week.

      I do want my salon to reopen, which might happen in June, but it’ll be weird. And I don’t know that I should rush right in. Being that close to anyone is going to feel weird for a long time.

      1. NightOwl*

        I agree with your salon comment. I had an appt before Covid and it’s gotten moved a few times until they open back up. It was scheduled for last week but I opted to postpone a bit mostly because it was for a color touchup. I don’t know how that would work with a mask, and I’d be in the salon a good amount of time. If it was a quick trim of ends of hair, maybe, but I’m ok to sit tight for awhile until the owners figure out their new cleaning practices and PPE situation. My roots can wait.

        1. nonegiven*

          I had a cousin post on Facebook that she used some kind of tape that is ok for skin to tape her mask on while she got her hair cut.

        1. Jdc*

          Ya although I’m not in the Chicago area so much less here. They talked about opening my the areas as the CDC defines them, so four areas of the state. Plus pointless when Iowa is opening and people can drive there in 15 mins.

    4. Zephy*

      I think I’m still going to resign myself to basically not going anywhere or doing anything as much as possible for the rest of the year. Still too risky – there will be a second wave, and probably a third wave, and I don’t want to be part of them. Maybe if they reopen the parks and beaches, I’ll go take walks there for some fresh air and a change of scenery, but I’m not sure about eating in restaurants and going to the movies and traveling for a while yet.

    5. Not A Manager*

      My doctor and my dentist both re-opened this week for non-emergency matters. I got in to see each of them on the first day they opened, which seems safest (for me personally) in terms of possible contamination of surfaces or encountering asymptomatic people.

      I also am concerned about a spike in infections within the next few weeks, so I want to take care of any business before things get wild again.

      1. NightOwl*

        I didn’t think of the first days of reopening being safer regarding contamination. Good point.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          The shops here reopened on Monday. I went into town today and it was almost as busy as a usual Saturday. What I noticed were more people queuing as the number of customers in shops were limited, and many shops had hand sanitiser by the entrance.

        2. Not A Manager*

          IMO this is also the safest time to generally encounter people. They are more likely to have been isolated for the past while. (People here have been generally pretty good about lockdown.) In a few weeks, who knows?

          1. Misty*

            That’s actually a really interesting point. I never thought of it that way. Good to keep in mind if there’s something you need to get done!

    6. RagingADHD*

      Our library is going to open the beginning of June. I put a few things on hold and can use the dropoffs to return things now. I know how our branch is laid out, and I’ve seen enough over the years that I believe the management is going to be very protective of the workers. Just the fact that they are taking almost a month longer than they could have opened, and still not opening fully, speaks volumes.

      I cancelled my dentist appointment for next week, because our state numbers are still going the wrong way and we’re starting to see hotspots form after restrictions were lifted. I had rescheduled a hair appointment for July, but I’m going to wait and see if that looks feasible when the time comes.

      Our church is going to resume very small services, with seating assigned by appointment, and they are going to run multiple smaller services in different rooms and outside to avoid too many people in one place at one time. It makes me sad, but I still think it’s a terrible idea and am not going.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Edit – the library is opening curbside service only in June. Book pickups by appointment, no patrons in the building.

        I thought that was in there the first time!

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      There are a few things open again here but I don’t think I am going to go anywhere for a while yet. Though I would really like to go do the weekly shopping at a different supermarket for a change, and to get some items I can’t get from the neighbourhood place, it seems too risky.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I honestly say I have no idea what’s going on anymore. I’m limiting what I read on the news. Last I heard May 15th was the opening date for my state and in phases, now I’m hearing that it’s June 14th. My hair stylist messaged me on social media and told me that they were open for appointments only but I can’t color my hair right now.

      All I know is, the things I used to do regularly — going to the salon, going to the mall, going to a gym (whenever I did go lol) or out to restaurant — those will not be happening for me anytime soon.

      As it is, right now I just go for my doctor appointments and I go in to the pharmacy if it’s not crowded. I went to the grocery store (a large super center) yesterday after almost 20 months and only because it was their “special” hours for elderly/sick/pregnant people. There were maybe 5 customers in the whole store. I wore a mask and didn’t touch a single item. Target was out of the question because they allow 50-75 people in at a time.

      Whenever NY/NYC opens up 100%, I’ll probably be continuing with what I’ve been doing for another few months. I am just too scared to risk mine and my baby’s health by getting sick. It doesn’t help that literally teh second I step outside with a mask on, I have to cough/clear my throat which I’m sure doesn’t put anyone at ease.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Also, I am not sure how much truth there is to this, but there are reports that the new cases in my state/city are coming from people who were following quarantine orders. So….that’s terrifying!

      1. RagingADHD*

        Not sure I’m following what you mean? Because I think that might just be math.

        Every new case is someone who avoided infection up till that point. Someone who avoids infection in a hotspot for a long time is probably being careful, because the careless people got infected already.

        So the longer it goes on, naturally the new cases are going to be among careful people. But hopefully the rate of new cases is much slower.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I’ll try to find the article and post it here.

          What you said makes sense. But it sucks — spend months in quarantine being super careful only to end up getting infected.

  29. Valancy Snaith*

    Today is my birthday, and while I traditionally have lousy birthdays, this is a new low as yesterday I dropped my husband off for a 7-month overseas deployment. And I have to go into work today. So I’m baking myself my own cake and having a Netflix movie viewing with a friend, and that’s going to have to do!

    1. Beancat*

      I’m so sorry to hear you’ve not had good birthdays. Wishing safe return for your husband, and sending you all of the happiest birthday vibes I can muster!

    2. Not A Manager*

      Wow, that’s really tough. I’m glad that you have a plan for later. Netflix and cake with a friend sounds like a good idea!

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry.
      I hope this is the oddest birthday you have to go through.
      Internet hugs.

    4. Sunset Maple*

      Happy birthday!

      I empathize with bad birthdays. I stopped celebrating mine after my second grandparent died on the day. I’m not interested in doing that a third time.

    5. Katefish*

      Man, that first day of deployment as the left behind significant other is the WORST… Sending all my empathy. At least the rest of the days are usually better for me; hoping the same for you. And happy birthday!

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I am so sorry, I can relate to what you are saying as I’ve gone through the same, covid or not..
      Wishing your husband a safe return, and for your safety and health and many happy years ahead.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I finally canceled all my birthdays. What is up with birthday downers?!

      Cake, movie and friend sound nice. Perhaps if possible take yourself shopping for a small treat. In the past, I have gotten a small kitchen gizmo or some other household gadget that I really wanted. In a surprise turn around, I got this insignificant item home and I was just WAY too pleased about the thing. Just a little thing but I got a decent lift from taking the time to get it and installing it.

    9. LGC*

      Oh man, that sucks! If it makes you feel better: I had to go in on my birthday as well. (It’s a hazard of having a birthday on the last day of the month and being in charge of the invoices for your department.)

      Hoping you at least enjoy your cake!

    10. Valancy Snaith*

      Thanks to all of you for the thoughtful wishes! I’m very glad to see I’m not the only one with traditionally lousy birthdays!

  30. Misty*

    Every single aspect of my life has changed in the last two months. My life is completely unrecognizable now. Does anyone else feel like this?

    1. Timekeeper*

      I feel the same. Tinnitus has destroyed my once joyous life to a point where waking up to discordant high pitch screeches, electronic crickets, three jumbled pure tones all mixed together as loud as a harley at full throttle, usually means I wish I didn’t wake up.
      Going on now for 5 years and yes, I can’t work. Can’t think or focus.

          1. Misty*

            I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this. I hope you both find relief from your symptoms in the near future. That sounds like a horrible thing to have to deal with.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Yes. I posted above, but I basically feel like I might have mild depression for the first time in my life. Due to surgery and the pandemic happening at the same time, I have no more daily routine, other than maybe taking a shower and feeding the cats, that looks anything like it did before, if it even exists at all. I feel like I’d feel better both mentally and physically if being able to go to a department store and browse for awhile was a possibility. Or even just grocery shop the “normal” way.

      1. Misty*

        The lack of routine is really rough imo. (I also saw your post above and am wishing you well and good health!)

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      Yep. Everything gives me tremendous anxiety. The thought of leaving my apartment, the thought of going to the grocery store, the thought of going into work‒it all gives me terrible anxiety. I’m sure my blood pressure, which had always been an issue, is probably through the roof.

      I really wish I lived on a deserted island with wifi and a food drop once a week.

      1. Misty*

        I literally feel that. I leave my place to walk the dog once a day and that’s it. But even when I pass people I feel myself tense up even though I wear a mask and stay on the opposite sides of the streets whenever possible. I’m wishing your blood pressure and health well.

    4. cat socks*

      Yes. I feel like I’m grieving what life used to be like. Things have completely changed and there is uncertainty about what the future will look like.

    5. Nessun*

      I feel like I’m…kinda the opposite? I still live where I lived, do what I did, talk to about as many folks as I did before. Sure there’s a free more “social” meetings on Skype, but it’s otherwise so samey it’s almost like limbo some days.

      This makes me think that between the two states of being (you and I), there’s a middle ground that might be nice – if we could figure out how to reach it. But it’s also weirdly reassuring to know that there are other ways to feel out there; I’ve been inside my own head so long that any change to the wallpaper is nice, even if the color’s still off.

      1. Misty*

        This is an interesting prespective!

        Yes, that makes sense. It sounds like we’re both having opposite experiences. My life has completely changed (except I still live in the same house and have the same dog) but not the same anything else. I lost a group of friends, turned 26 during the pandemic which meant I had to get new health insurance which meant I had to get a new doctor and dentist, my classes went online, I changed my major right before they went online, I gained another roommate, my relationship with my roommates changed, a lot less money now too, but also am spending less and not driving at all where as before I had to drive at least two hours a day to get to things.

        Somehow all the little things added up and now when I look around at my life, my brain is literally like ‘???!’

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Yes, very much so.

      I was never a stay at home type. Work gave us an option to WFH? I rejected it. Weekends, days off I would go to work or I would go to visit friends, go to the salon, go to teh gym, go sit at a cafe and drink coffee, just spent a lot of time with myself outdoors.

      Any day spent at home felt like a waste.

      2ish months now and I”ve barely gone anywhere. A trip to a grocery store recently felt like Christmas.

      1. Misty*

        I think that’s kind of my problem too. Everything I did on a daily basis was near my school/work which was an hour away. So my doctors, acupuncture, etc. I’m not used to staying at home except to sleep and that’s been my last two months.

        Every aspect of my life has changed in the last two months: how many roommates I have, my relationships with them, the amount of money I have, I went back to my old therapist in the last two months and now it’s over video, how much time I spend at home, my doctor changed, my insurance changed, my dentist changed, I lost a group of friends, I changed my major right before school went online, my coffee shop closed, the library I spent hours in studying at near my house closed, I haven’t seen my three friends that I’m still friends with in over two months, my church is closed. It’s like I’m suffering from life whiplash. Everything feels strange.

        Now some of this wasn’t because of the virus obviously but literally the ONLY thing that hasn’t changed in the last two months is the house I live in, my dog is still the same, I still drive the same vehicle (except I went from driving two hours a day to no minutes a day).

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Wow, yes I didn’t even think of that — everything I did was based on proximity to work, including my prenatal appointments. So now every 2 weeks I go down to where my office was for my prenatal appointments. I used to talk to my coworkers every day and got along with them; it was crushing when I was let go and the conversations I could have ended. It does and doesn’t feel like everything has changed.

  31. Beancat*

    I got a lot of progress done on my manga this week! I’ve mostly finished the storyboard and I actually came in under the number of pages, which is exciting because now I can go back and add a few – maybe a two page spread here or there, or a few extra at the beginning. Pacing is hard!

    My husband also obtained some 11×17 paper to encourage me to do a second draft of the storyboard, only to add more details than I could in my tiny thumbnails. I think that’ll help me decide if the current panel layout I’m using is what I want.

    Thank you all for all the positive thoughts and wishes of good luck last week!! I’m really getting excited to work on this and I feel like I can really do it :)

  32. Pandemic emotional swings*

    Content warning: Covid 19 – I am at risk with compromised immunity, asthma, and underlying conditions. Thought I was doing fine. But super angry right now.
    A good friend died two weeks ago (it was sudden, she was at risk for Covid, no there was no testing) and her family “friended” me on face book. I am not starting a political argument here. Their posts have been on my feed. They think the pandemic is a “bad flu.” That it is a left wing hoax. And the latest. “people can wait in lines at walmart so they can wait in lines to vote. no mail in ballots!”
    I am beside myself angry.
    I am waiting after the Zoom memorial to block them.
    Help me calm down please.

    1. Misty*

      I’ve very sorry about your friend. Also I understand your anger, that sounds extremely frustrating to have to see on facebook from your friend’s family members.

      Is there any way you can not look at their posts on facebook until the zoom memorial? I don’t have a facebook but is there an option where you could hide the posts until the zoom memorial, and then block them after it’s over?

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Unfollow them. They won’t know. You won’t see their posts. Create a group “good friend’s relations” and set your privacy to “friends except good friend’s relations” so they can’t weigh in on anything you post either.

      (Also, here to validate your feelings: they are wrong, and your anger is justified. But you don’t have to take up the battle.)

    3. Pandemic emotional swings*

      Thanks you. Calmed down. Will hide. Started to pray that all the good things that I want for myself for them. May they have good mental and physical health. May they be surrounded by love. May their home be warm and secure. May they have abundant food and economic security. May their pets be healthy. These things I pray.

      1. Misty*

        Okay good, I’m glad you’re feeling a bit calmer! I will be keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week. Let us know how you’re doing next week if you want to!

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Good for you! You are really working at things here!
        Ya know, my sense of things is that people who remain calm (or calmer) are the people who will make out better during this crisis. Presence of mind is critical for survival. You seem to do well with helping yourself to try to calm down. Please don’t take this for granted.
        Currently, I have a friend who WORRIES about storms. I mean hide under the bed level of worry. I started talking about, “how do you help yourself to try to calm down even a little bit?” This was a totally foreign question, no one had ever asked Friend this before. Friend is now test driving this idea.
        Be sure to congratulate yourself for progress on processing this upset (more positive self-talk). It’s a legit upset, I agree. But as you know, more upset doesn’t help us with processing the original upset.

      4. Blueberry*

        You are a very good person to pray these prayers. I totally hear you on how upsetting those possts of horrible opinions are.

    5. LGC*

      So, starters – I’m really sorry about the death of your friend, especially during this time. One of the hardest things about the COVID pandemic is that…we can’t grieve in the way we’re used to.

      Another thing is that your friend’s family has…very strong and very incorrect opinions, and yes, I’m intentionally understating this. And they’re going through a really tough time – you lost a good friend, and they lost a family member. They reached out, and then…either didn’t realize or didn’t care that they were showing ALL of themselves.

      That said: The News Feed is a SEWER. Just from a product perspective, that’s the thing that causes the most conflict. I’d unfollow first or flag anything that you don’t want to see pre-memorial. Post-memorial, feel free to block (I wouldn’t in your situation, but also I’m conflict-avoidant and I’m used to dealing with people’s terrible opinions), but you can still remain friends and not see their posts. If they’re communicating funeral plans between telling the world that masks activate the virus, then I’d just block off a time to look at their posts. I’m not sure if they had the service yet, so this might be a moot point anyway.

    6. Sam I Am*

      My condolences for your friend.

      Ride that emotional swing you’re on. You can have more than one emotion at one time and it doesn’t make either of them less. You can be angry and sad at the same time. You can find joy while experiencing grief.

      Make sure you do the little things you need to do to take care of yourself, for me it’s stretching and staying hydrated.

  34. UbiCaritas*

    Last week I was diagnosed with breast cancer and am having surgery in a few days, followed by chemo. I understand I will be immunocompromised during chemo (five months! Yikes!). Any suggestions of things we need to do during this time? Currently we are wearing masks when we go out, staying 6 feet apart, washing hands, quarantining mail and wiping down groceries (we use curbside pick up). Anything else? The CDC list doesn’t mention quarantining mail, but I feel better doing it. I’m more worried about COVID than I am about cancer, at this point. Thanks.

    1. sswj*

      I’m so sorry!

      My understanding is that masks, distancing, and vigilant handwashing and sanitizing is the way to go. Somewhere I read an article as the out break was ramping up that was really encouraging. It was written by a woman who had a severe autoimmune disorder, I think? and her life was spent being vigilant about cross-contamination. Hold please, let me look …

      Found it!
      https://medium.com/@amcarter/i-had-no-immune-system-for-months-after-my-bone-marrow-transplant-1b097f16040c

      Sending out all kinds of get well, stay well vibes! ~~~

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, I read that early on and it was so helpful because a) it’s truly road-tested advice from someone who couldn’t afford to catch anything at all, and

        b) her very practical focus on a few key elements made it far more sustainable.

        I have some borderline risk factors, and my husband has had to go into work from time to time, and I’m the designated grocery shopper because of his schedule.

        Working the plan from this article – so far, so good.

    2. Admin of Sys*

      Good luck on the surgery and chemo! Get a shower stool if you can, they’re a lifesaver.
      The virus lasts 1 day on cardboard / paper/ most cloth (but longer on shiny polyester), and up to 3 days on plastic and steal – for mail, easiest thing is to set up a bin for mail, drop it in there, wait a day to look at it, then repat. I do the same thing with food – stuff goes into a specific shelf in the fridge or pantry and then ‘graduates’ to the safe shelf as the surface ages out. If you do go out and are in enclosed spaces with other people (ie inside rooms) it might be worth it to strip and take a shower as soon as you get home. Same thing about decontaminating the clothes – a friend has a clothes bin right at the front door to dump clothes into, that then get washed the next day, when it’s safe to touch again.
      Also – watch for shoes. The virus in droplets will fall to the floor and basically collect there. If you put a bag down on the floor, assume the bottom of the bag is contaminated, ditto on soles of your shoes – not a big deal, but don’t, idk, put your shoes up on an ottoman or whatever. (This, like most things, is more a deal with inside space since sunlight helps destroy the virus. So outside walks it’s not as much an issue. Of course, outside there’s dirt and stuff).
      But the 2 biggest factors are close indoor spaces with other people (which is sounds like you’re mostly avoiding) and touching your face after you touch something that has the virus on it (ditto).

      1. UbiCaritas*

        Oh, my, I had not thought about floors! The only times I go out are visits to the doctors, but my husband gets groceries (curbside delivery). We have been quarantining mail. Thanks!

      1. Pluperfect Cetacean*

        I would love to see a citation for this authoritative-sounding statement.

    4. Breast Solidarity*

      The Breastcancer dot org site has specific info updated regularly about COVID for those of us in treatment. Also ask your oncology team!

      I am still getting “targeted chemo” so still going in to the hospital every 3 weeks. We all wear masks and they are taking a lot of extra precautions.

      I am so sorry you have joined this club.

        1. Breast Solidarity*

          Also, that site has chemo groups by month, and I do recommend you join or at least follow your chemo-cohort. There is lots of good info as well re managing side-effects, surgery, etc.

          When COVID first started exploding I looked at the stats, there is still so much unknown, but for cancer the people with leukemias and lymphomas are most at risk, and even going through chemo it looks like our risks are less than the risk to those with just hypertension. So higher risk, but not as high as we might have expected.

          Cancer isn’t fair, COVID-19 pandemic isn’t fair, and the combination of the two is exponentially more unfair! It is ok to be angry about how unfair and sucky it all is :( And if your cancer center is limiting visitors it is so unfair to have to start treatment without someone there (everyone is different, but after my first few chemo days I actually started to prefer having someone just drop me off and pick me up rather than have someone with me the whole time. And now my days are shorter and I have less Netflix time!)

        2. Breast Solidarity*

          Oh! And most cancer centers have therapists who specialize in cancer and all the emotions that come with it, and right now most are doing video sessions. Definitely take advantage!

  35. sswj*

    Thank dawg for AAM. I discovered it just as the Covid crisis was brewing and have spent many happy hours reading. I’m going to do my share of blowing off steam here because, as far as I know, no-one here knows me and anonymity (as far as possible on the interwebs) is a good thing. Long whine ahead, sorry …

    I am essentially an introvert and a loner. I enjoy time with friends, and I work in retail so I’m not a complete hermit, but near enough. The shutdown has not been hard on me at all in that respect, except for the fact that my husband is not working, cannot go to his workouts, and has been home. I love the man, but I dearly want some nobody-but-me-and-cats-in-the-house-for-many-hours time. That may happen soonish, as he’s working on getting some temp work out of state. The thought makes me giddy with relief. Or it did until I chatted with a family member yesterday.

    There may now be plans in the works for this family member and spouse to come and park their Winnebago here at our place for a while, and stay until they can do a major move overseas. They did a short stint of this a few months back, and it was fine because we hadn’t seen them in a while and we had mutual projects to work on. They insisted on cooking dinner every night, which was nice of them, but I don’t actually want a full dinner every night, nor do I want to socialize after a long day at work. I’m actually working more now than pre-Covid because they’ve severely limited staffing. There are 2 people per day, and as I’m the assistant manager I deal with customers plus all the back office and supervisory stuff when the manager isn’t in. ALL I want to do at the end of the day is be quiet and putter through my animal chores, sit and read, have a glass of wine, and go to bed.

    I don’t know how to navigate this. On the one hand the Family Pair really do need a break. One has some health stuff going on that’ll need surgery and some work to get back to functionality, and the other is struggling to find work because of their own past health issue. There’s not a lot of money so being able to come here would be a godsend, plus they offered to help with a bit of remodel work we intend to do. It really isn’t the end of the world, and I feel so guilty for feeling as I do, but OMG I so don’t want them parked on my property for months.

    My husband is all for it and thinks its a great idea, and says that they’ll all give me space when I need it. My problem (and I realize it is *my* issue) is that not talking to me isn’t enough, and being in separate spaces doesn’t really cut it because I’m still aware they are there. I really want to be utterly alone on my property to fully decompress. First World Problem for sure, I know that, but it’s how I’m wired.

    It’s not the end of the world, and I’ll manage, but … sigh …

    Thanks for letting me whine :)

    1. Garlic Knot*

      I don’t really see why this absolutely has to happen at the expense of your wellbeing.

    2. Koala dreams*

      How to navigate: Tell your husband and the guests that you can’t have any guests now during the pandemic. It won’t be possible.

      For your husband, you might need to spell out really clearly that you don’t have the mental bandwith for any guests, no matter how kind or helpful or self-sufficient they might be.

      Good luck!

    3. WellRed*

      I don’t understand why you can’t tell them no? Or, can you decide how long you are willing to let them stay? One month, not several? Or other ground rules?

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      I agree with the others. You can say no. And I’m wondering about why you phrased the plans as though you don’t have a say. So if that’s the case, can you set better boundaries for their stay? They might be thrilled to learn they don’t have to cook a full meal every night. Maybe you all live as normal neighbors most of the week and then come together at specific times. Maybe they do their best to disappear one day a week. Maybe they don’t come until after your husband has been gone a week so you get your emotional tank filled with some alone time first.

      1. sswj*

        It’s my guilt complex that won’t let me say no, because it’s my husband’s family and there really isn’t anything wrong with them coming other than I’m incredibly selfish about my alone time. It just seems so petty. They are very nice, try to be accommodating and helpful, and in general are not a problem. It’s just my hermit tendencies that get in the way.

        Bah. None of this happens tomorrow so I’ll have time to stew and see how everyone can be made happy. Thanks everyone for your input!

        1. Mimosa Jones*

          Ahhh, family but not your family…that makes sense. Ok, it’s totally not petty…it’s how you cope with the world and take care of yourself. It’s important and has value. As the saying goes, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. But if they had to come, and you had complete control over how it was set up, what would you do? It might help to think about that and see what comes up. Sometimes giving yourself permission to set the rules makes all the difference. Talk to your husband. Talk to them. I hope you can work something out.

          1. valentine*

            From a healthcare perspective: (1) If they have been traveling, they pose a greater risk to you. There is no sufficient reason here to break quarantine. Even if their RV were about to disintegrate, they should shelter locally. (2) Their health issues sound like your job puts them at greater risk and you are going to have to be their caregiver, with no respite. (Not that you should do it even if you were one of four people doing so, but doing it with no respite is going to deplete your health and everyone may as well do now whatever they would do if you were unavailable due to being hospitalized for exhaustion.) How quickly is “on the property” going to become “in your house”? Do they need to use your restroom and will they be going in and out at all hours of the day? I see no reason why they should use your kitchen or treat their RV as a wing of your home. Will recovery from surgery have to happen in your home? With both relatives there, for whatever reason, instead of one still staying in the RV?

            You’ll need a contingency plan for the nightmare scenario of your husband not leaving and the relatives descending.

            It sounds like your husband’s going to get away and leave you to handle these people. Karnythia/Mikki Kendall wrote that her husband and her are “the guardians of each other’s solitude.” That’s beautiful. What would that look like for you? Your husband should know you thrive on space and make that happen for you. He should be telling his relatives no way, no how, are you going to host anyone when he’s not there to rub your feet. (Or whatever. He can be inventive about how you come first and he’s the “selfish” one because he’s holding the line for you.) If you told him you want him to do that, would he, or would he just try to talk you into hosting? Because I don’t see where he’s taken point, except to say yes to them without prioritizing you; or where he’s set boundaries here, except the boundary that you don’t get to have (m)any.

            there really isn’t anything wrong with them coming other than I’m incredibly selfish about my alone time.
            This is plenty. Your needs matter. What if you make your needs your priority?

            They are very nice, try to be accommodating and helpful, and in general are not a problem.
            There’s a great saying about fish and house guests.

            It’s just my hermit tendencies that get in the way.
            You frame what everyone else wants as a given and yourself and your needs as obstacles to that. What if you flip that? What if you keep at it until you’ve centered yourself for six months?

            None of this happens tomorrow
            It doesn’t have to happen. What if you act instead of reacting? What if you start a “year of no” to others, a “year of yes” for yourself?

            I’ll have time to stew and see how everyone can be made happy.
            I wish everyone would work this hard to make you happy. The good news is you can do that for yourself. What if you make decisions that make you truly happy? What if you seize the opportunity of your husband’s job (and I hope he’s not going to be traveling back and forth, unless you’re somewhere that’s no big deal) to enjoy your space and see it as the self-care it is, and not selfishness? Because having guests move in and use your kitchen daily for a chunk of time is extremely generous and saying no to that doesn’t make you less generous. There’s just a real need here for you to apply the generosity inward.

            1. Mimosa Jones*

              This is awesome.

              On a personal level it highlights some of the things I’m struggling with right now. I’ll be mulling over this bit for a while: “You frame what everyone else wants as a given and yourself and your needs as obstacles to that. What if you flip that? What if you keep at it until you’ve centered yourself for six months?”

        2. Koala dreams*

          Actually, it seems very rude to invite family to stay a long time in these trying times without the buy-in from everybody who already lives in the household. You don’t sound petty at all. Please tell them that they can’t come as soon as possible. That’s the kindest way, then they can make up other plans.

          Take care!

        3. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          You are not selfish.

          These are trying times for all including you.

          It is already hard for you – working then not getting any alone time when you are home.

    5. Misty*

      I would tell them either no, or I would say they could stay but lay out ground rules. Maybe last time they cooked every night thinking they were being helpful, yet not realizing that you need space? I think if you let them stay be very clear on ground rules before they get there.

      This time is really hard for everyone so I totally understand not wanting some people to stay on your property for months! That sounds like a lot to deal with tbh.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yes, definitely put down some ground rules if they come. And stick to those rules.

        You can say things such as “Home cooked dinner is nice, but what I really value is quiet time. I’d like to see us switch to a plan of [dinners on Friday only; dinners every other day; shorter dinners; whatever].”

  36. sswj*

    I’m so sorry!

    My understanding is that masks, distancing, and vigilant handwashing and sanitizing is the way to go. Somewhere I read an article as the out break was ramping up that was really encouraging. It was written by a woman who had a severe autoimmune disorder, I think? and her life was spent being vigilant about cross-contamination. Hold please, let me look …

    Found it!
    https://medium.com/@amcarter/i-had-no-immune-system-for-months-after-my-bone-marrow-transplant-1b097f16040c

    Sending out all kinds of get well, stay well vibes! ~~~

  37. Kezi*

    People have been weird to me. I have one person who was convinced I am in financially dire straits (thankfully, no.) who keeps trying to give me money, and keeps dropping stuff off on my porch for me. The things she drops off are things like beef jerky and toddler shoes (I’m a child free vegetarian). I have no idea how to get her to stop. Asking and telling hasn’t worked.

    I have another person who has sent me multiple texts to take me to task for Reasons. I am acquainted with her husband through a game group and according to him she looked through his phone to get my number. Texts include a text informing me that she would not be texting me to make sure I’m okay during this quarantine. One taking me to task for still working (not from a safety pov. I work in child care and she thinks its “morally bankrupt” for me to be charging “hard working parents” during this trying time bc “parents need a break too, you know”. ) I blocked her number at this point so she started texting me from her son’s phone.

    Then I got yelled at because I lent my old ereader to a kid with dyslexia. While he still struggles, he has an easier time reading on the kindle (we think its bc he can modify font, font size, etc). So I asked the Dad if I could lend it to the son, stressed that if anything happened to it, not to worry about it. He said sure, so I put a wide variety of age appropriate books on it, told the dad to leave it off wifi so the son can’t download anything without adult help, and lent it to the son. Son read his first chapter book by himself! Son asked if he could have the next in the series. Dad (for some reason) got mad, put the kindle in my mailbox, and called me to yell at me for it.

    So long and short, I can’t wait for this quarantine to be over so I can go camping and get away from people.

    1. Koala dreams*

      I’m so sorry you meet so many rude people! For the first person, maybe you can read some advice on how to deal with stalkers. It sounds pretty stalkery to me, and maybe some of the advice is good for you too. Good on you to block the second person. So creepy that she uses her son’s phone to get around it, though. :(

      Glad to hear the kid liked the ereader and the book! You did a great thing for the kid. Sadly not all parents like books. I loved books as a kid (still does) so I’m very glad there are people like you out there helping kids access reading.

      Let’s hope there will be happy camping in the future!

    3. WellRed*

      The first person sounds like they have mental health issues. Actually, so does the second but you can and should block her texts. Love how you helped the kid!

      1. Koala dreams*

        Please don’t use “mental health issues” as a synonym for “rude”. It’s very hurtful. Thanks.

        1. WellRed*

          I think someone dropping off baby shoes to a child free home is a sign something is off with this person’s rational thinking, as is text stalking. I think criticizing someone for giving a kid an ereader is rude.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Person #1 – Use these words or similar. “I am not experiencing financial difficulties. I do not need, and do not want your money, food, clothing, or other items. You need to stop. If you do not stop, I will no longer be able to talk to you, and anything you drop off will be disposed of immediately.”

      Person #2 – Tell the husband, since you know him, that his wife is stalking you and if it doesn’t stop, you will be contacting the police. If she contacts you again, contact the police. And block the son’s phone.

      Person #3 – that is so incredibly sad. The kid was making progress, and the dad just put a massive roadblock up. Shame on him.

      For you, I recommend a trip to Reddit – specifically the r/aww subreddit or similar. People suck sometimes.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I wouldn’t even use that many words for #1.

        “Quit dumping random crap on my porch. I’m just throwing it all away.”

        OP already asked and told politely. This is just fair warning that they’re wasting their time and money.

    5. Kezi*

      Just as a quick update:

      Since I posted this I have received an apology from the Dad, as well as pretty heartfelt gratitude for my willingness to lend his son my kindle to begin with. That was nice :)

      1. Something Blue*

        That’s great! And maybe the kid will be allowed to read more.

        Did he give any explanation why he got mad? Bc that seems so odd.

        2. Kezi*

          He said that he has been having a lot of issues at work with NY starting phase one of reopening, he has a sick parent and they have been having a ton of behavior issues at home. When son asked for the next book, Dad was in the middle of 1000 things and said yes but that he couldn’t right at that moment. This prompted a series of nagging by the son. Dad finally said “one more word about it, and I’m giving the kindle back.” Son asked again. Dad brought it back. But at that point he was stressed out, frustrated and took it out on me and for that he was “incredibly embarrassed and sorry.”

          1. Something Blue*

            Ah, that makes more sense. The 1001th thing and camels back is broken.

            I’m glad he apologized to you.

          2. Blueberry*

            Ah. I’m really glad he apologized to you and that he decided promoting his son’s wellbeing was more importsant than a momentary punishment.

            Good luck with the others, and may no more awfulness cross your path!

          3. Sam I Am*

            Just want to add, in case you don’t already know, there are browser extensions that help dyslexic readers by using a font developed specifically for the task.

            Not trying to add another task to your day, just want to let you know that e-reading has a lot of improved options for people with this disability. You can pass that along as you see fit.

    6. Anonnington*

      Wow. Wow wow wow. Yeah. I have seen similar behavior from people. It’s unsettling, and yet it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in this (people coming to bizarre conclusions about you and behaving strangely). However, I’m having the opposite experience in quarantine. I live alone and I’ve pretty much gone off of social media and blocked the phone numbers of anyone who was bothering me, so I’m enjoying peaceful solitude!

      I have different advice about the stalking. I would not necessarily tell the husband. I would, however, tell the stalker very clearly to stop contacting you. And if she persists, just report it. Don’t mess around. This stuff can escalate. And involving other people is risky because you don’t know what kind of effect that could have.

    7. Venus*

      I know someone like #1. A close family member. They want to be seen as helping, no matter how misguided their help. I told them for years I didn’t need those things and they kept going. So then I told them I would donate their gifts to me to a charity. That reduced the flow but then I suggested they donate to the food bank and that fixed it. They tell me of their kindness and I acknowledge happily and with many words to ensure things continue this way. It’s perfect as they feel acknowledged and are seen as a good person, I have no extra things that I can’t use, and food bank gets money!

      1. Sam I Am*

        It’s great you were able to redirect the giving from Close Family Member, and there’s nothing wrong with sharing a smile and a high 5 with them when they mention giving. Keep it rolling!

    8. Totally anonymous*

      People are getting extremely prickly. This week I’ve gotten so fed up with my husband’s leaving his clothes on the floor that I’ve started putting them in the hamper for him. Did he stop putting them on the floor? No. He threatened to move into the guest bedroom because he can’t live with that level of micromanagement. I apologized. But I’m still kind of disgusted.

  38. ALM2019*

    Question for anyone that lives in an apartment or home with shared walls – what do you consider to be too loud from a neighbor? I’ve been in the same apartment complex for 7 years. I have people below, next to, and above me. The only noise I’ve ever heard was the old neighbors above me yelling when their team scored (this was only occasional that I could hear it). Someone new moved in above me 3 months ago and it’s constant thumping of music. Sometimes I can hear the actual music and sometimes it’s just the bass. But this goes on all day long and sometimes until 10:30 at night. Right now I have on a tv and a fan and can still hear it. I’m very non-confrontational and a little concerned if I do say something it might get worse. Her boyfriend (who doesn’t live here) but is always around is pretty rude from what I’ve noticed. I know things are a little different right now since we’re always always home, but this is starting to drive me crazy. I can’t even watch TV in my own living room without hearing it.

    1. Oxford Comma*

      Can I hear footsteps above? Cost of living in an old building where there are hardwood floors. Muffled TV? Muffled music? Is it between 8am-9pm. I ignore.

      What you are describing sounds beyond what I would tolerate. I would say something.

    2. Jess*

      That’s definitely too loud- I would say something sooner rather than later. I’ve been in this situation several times. Once, I heard their bass all the time- when I went over to talk to them, I felt bad because their music actually wasn’t that loud, but the speaker was directly on the floor and close to my wall. Sometimes just repositioning can help. But my last apartment- oh boy, neighbor from hell. Same deal- hours on end, all hours of the day, going til after midnight, and sometimes they even STARTED at 5 am. I could clearly hear the words from what they were playing. We talked to them so many times, even almost got in a fist fight once. To their credit, a good amount of the times they would turn the music down but it took a lot of effort and every time we talked to them we were back at square one. I really regret not bringing it up to the apartment management sooner because they did help. Even when I moved, I started feeling almost like PTSD when I heard bass because they kept me up so many nights- my HR and BP would start going up. Say something! I’d also maybe take a video or recording of how you can hear their music in your unit.

    3. Asenath*

      I live in an oldish building that is much more solidly built than many newer ones, and I rarely hear anything much – footsteps or voices in the hallway (the entrance door is modern), but never very loud or late, and muffled TV or voices from the only apartment that connects to me horizontally – that is, on the same floor, although it’s in a separate corridor. I consider neither of those “too loud”, not even though I go to bed earlier than the horizontal neighbours, and my bedroom adjoins their living room. And then we got One of Those Neighbours. They played incredibly loud music, STARTING well after the 11 PM time at which loud noises are supposedly not allowed in residential areas in my city. They did in on more than one occasion. Once, to my shame, I got some perfectly inoffensive old man out of bed in the adjoining apartment at about 2 AM, only to discover the noise – which was much louder outside his door, wasn’t from him. It was from the apartment above his! I banged on their door, but they didn’t deign to answer. I seriously considered calling the police, but emailed the management company instead, in a rather frosty tone. They said they were aware of the situation and were dealing with it. The noise stopped after that. Now, that’s too much noise. Your situation is somewhere in the middle. I think it’s enough you might mention it to the upstairs tenants, but it probably isn’t enough to escalate to the management and/or police.

    4. Masquerade*

      We’ve spent the past three days transferring units to get away from one of those. They plan to evict them once COVID-19 passes (which was not my goal, but the people have blown through all their warnings and lease violations regarding noise and indoor smoking) but they let us transfer now since they don’t know when they can move forward with the eviction.

      Start documenting absolutely everything. Start and stop time of the noise, calls made to the manager/courtesy officer, everything. Check what the quiet hours are in your community and bold the entries where they violate it. If you can, take a recording on your phone of the music (we had to try this 5+ times before we could get a quality recording). And email your updated log to the leasing manager frequently. We found that the logs empower the leasing manager to deal with corporate (if you live in a property management community) and get changes made.

      Good luck, I feel like I’m still dealing with leftover anxiety over noises and a lot of sadness from losing my old unit (my fiancé proposed to me there and the views were 10/10 for my cats), but I hope you can find a solution! Keep us updated!

    5. Dan*

      I’ve lived in my building for ten years, and I’ve never experienced what you describe. (In my building, what you describe is certainly a complaint that management would act on.) Most I get is footsteps from the unit above. There are times/places where I can hear the vacuum run very faintly, and for that matter, the washing machine. But I’ve never heard voices/TV/music from the upstairs unit.

      The arrangement on my floor is a little different than most. There’s four units on every floor (four floors to the building, but there are twenty buildings or something like that). On my floor, two of the “units” are the building’s rentable storage lockers for all of the tenants. That’s the only thing I share a wall with. It can get kind of noisy during the day on the weekends, but oh well. When the guy across the hall uses his TV, I can hear that standing in the lobby, but when I close my door and play *any* background music or TV, I can’t hear him at all.

      In my complex, when building management is dealing with noise complaints, they have to choices. They can send you a personalized letter that goes in your file, or they can send a general notice to the entire building. The later drives me nuts, because it’s always vague and non specific. They’ll usually list times (like “between 1 and 3 am”) but never dates. Maybe it was me, maybe it wasn’t, you know? Maybe the stuff I usually do doesn’t cause an issue, but that one thing that one time did? Those vague notices don’t give enough to act one.

      A few months ago, building management sent out a general notice saying, “There’s been complaints of excessive noise from 8am to 1am.” (It was clearly written as an all-day kind of things, not a transposition of late night hours.) I was like WTF? People are complaining to management that people are awake and have to *live*?

    6. Jaid*

      It’s too loud if you can hear it over your TV.

      Since you’re an older resident, I think your landlord would side with you if you made a complaint. In the meantime, I’ve used a combination of earplugs and TV headphones in the past.

    7. ..Kat..*

      Bake some cookies and go introduce yourself to your neighbors. Talk with your neighbors . They may not realize how loud they are. You can even invite them to come to your apartment so they can hear for themselves. If they have the speakers on the floor (your ceiling), that could be a big part of the problem. If that is the case, Ask them to put something under the speakers. Even just a folded up towel can make a big difference.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Other than the barking dogs, I haven’t had this issue since I was in a house. But when I go looking for apartments, I’m definitely going to ask the landlord or property management company how they deal with loud tenants.

    9. Dancing Otter*

      Pretty much the only time I hear noise from upstairs is – I should say was, because I think they moved out – something that sounds for all the world like bouncing a basketball right over my head. Just about the time I got annoyed enough to go complain, it would stop.
      Occasionally, someone passing in the hall, if I’m near the door when they go past. A crying child coming from another apartment when I am the one walking down the hall.
      The sounds that bother me are not so much people being noisy as just people living. I live over the main entrance, and sometimes the sound comes in through my windows. (Car alarms, slamming doors, trucks sitting in reverse instead of being turned off for *%&$*#’s sake) We can hear water in the pipes when the people above us (two floors, so not so many) take showers or wash dishes or flush.
      However – – Whoever keeps setting off the fire alarm late at night should have to listen to it themselves on headphones for six or eight hours straight. I’m convinced it’s someone smoking in the trash room instead of going outside.

  39. LGC*

    Runners! How’re you doing? How’ve you been holding up? (Especially if you’re from Europe and yes I know Europe is a bunch of countries.) What new routes have you found? And if you haven’t been able to get out, how have you managed?

    I’m a little discouraged because I ran a 10k as a tempo run…and I’m a fair amount slower than I was last year. (Like, running what I used to consider an easy half marathon pace felt kind of hard.) On the other hand…I didn’t quite realize how much just being able to get out the door kept me sane and reassured, so I’m thankful for that.

    Most runners I’ve seen haven’t been wearing face coverings, which…okay, I’m guilty of this too. But surprisingly, it doesn’t seem like people have been making as big of a deal about this locally as they have in the cities. And outside of runners and cyclists, my area’s been pretty good with masks.

    1. Washi*

      I tried out the RunGo app you recommended and it seems to serve its purpose! I used it on a tempo run last week and it did give me turn by turn directions, although somehow I ended up in “virtual” mode so it kept announcing things as “virtual turn left” and “virtual straight ahead.” I assume this was user error and that this will be a good tool once I work the kinks out, so thank you :)

      I also do not wear a mask when I’m running, nor do most runners/bikers/walkers I see out in my suburb. I live right on the edge of the suburb’s downtown core, so I just avoid that area and stick to quiet roads where I can give other people a wide berth. I feel very glad that the norm is not to wear masks when exercising, since from what I’ve read it doesn’t do much if you’re already far apart outside, and my area is famously humid, so it would be super uncomfortable to attempt to run in one. I’ve been training for a pretend half marathon, and following the training plan has given me a nice structure to my week, in addition to the usual benefits of running.

      1. LGC*

        Ditto – from what it seems like, people in cities are…acting like the worst stereotypes of themselves, and people in more suburban areas are basically shrugging. It’s a bit weird, because I feel like I’m doing something WRONG because the media is like, “RUNNERS AND WALKERS ARE IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH” and everyone around me is chill.

        I live in a similar situation, where I’m right outside my ‘burb’s downtown. I also happen to live in a suburb with two running shops on the same street and a cycling store a couple of blocks away, so that’s definitely part of why this area is chill. I’m a little more cautious in the local county park, just because it’s popular, but it’s been pretty easy to distance otherwise.

        1. Washi*

          Yeah, all the “runners are so rude!!!!” stuff online has made me nervous to run and have someone yell at me, and I have to keep reminding myself that my actual experience has been totally normal. I think in the suburbs we are not as tight on space, so emotions are not running (lol) as high.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      A runner came up behind me suddenly as I was walking and scared the hell out of me so bad I almost jumped into the roadway.

      I wish you all would wear bells. Just saying.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        I feel like I can’t win! When I call out a friendly “passing on your left!” (always 6+ feet apart!) half the time the person jumps six feet in the air, and the other half of the time they’re wearing headphones and don’t notice, and if I don’t say anything they jump anyway.

        1. Washi*

          Yes, when I bike I’ve noticed that people hear my bell, though it does startle them, but often do not hear my voice if I try to call out instead. You have to yell quite loudly to reliably get people’s attention, and then you sound angry/impatient. It would actually be kind of nice to have a gentle-yet-piercing bell for running.

          I actually have this problem less now that I consistently run 6-10 feet away from people, because there’s much less of a need to warn them I’m coming. Right now I think it’s a bigger problem if someone is getting physically close enough to startle you in the first place.

        2. fposte*

          I think it’s not realistic to have a goal of not surprising people, unfortunately. It’s kind of like the work threads where we discuss how not to surprise somebody wearing headphones. The reality is the way we get not surprised is by hearing an approach in the distance and realizing it’s coming closer–if we haven’t done that, any greeting is going to surprise us same as a sudden appearance will. So announce in advance if you can to be a conscientious person but don’t worry if you can’t keep people from being surprised.

        3. Out in the Wilderness*

          Here’s the thing. If I’m walking and you come running up behind me, it is YOUR JOB to go safely around me (+6 feet). It is not my job to leap off the sidewalk out of your way.

          And if that means you have to come to a DEAD STOP to wait for a car to pass so that you can go in the street, so be it. Your problem. I don’t care if it messes with your pace. Go run somewhere with no other people if that is an issue.

          I don’t get upset with runners for startling me — I know that the “on your left” thing or whatnot doesn’t work and I’d probably jump. I DO get upset with runners who pass too close, or act all huffy that I’m not leaping out of their way when I am WALKing on the sideWALK, you know, that strip of concrete intended for WALKING.

          As an added bit of context, I’m usually walking with 3 dogs, one of whom is half blind and one of whom is 13 years old and mostly blind. We literally cannot get up and down on the sidewalk quickly, since she can’t see the curb and will stumble.

          Your job to go around safely. You do that, we’re good, even if I jump a bit.

          (And yeah, just the other day we were navigating around parked cars and other walkers with dogs. Thought all was clear and then a runner popped out of nowhere and passed us within maybe a foot or so, no warning. THAT is the sort of asshole I’m talking about. Don’t do that.)

          1. another scientist*

            Sometimes people walk in groups that take up the whole trail, or they unpredictably meander just to the spot where I am trying to overtake them, so it’s helpful when they are aware of me and do their part so we can all distance. If there is a road available, I will (nowadays) use that to give pedestrians a wider berth. In normal times, we will of course share the sidewalk.

          2. Lost in the Woods*

            I’m a bit baffled by the … tension? In this response? Especially when I specified in my post that I am always going 6+ feet around. I have a dog (she’s to small to run with me), I know it’s hard to get a dog off the sidewalk. I always feel it’s my job to move since I’m more mobile.

      2. LGC*

        Yeah, I try to yell out if I’m coming up close behind someone, especially if there’s no way I can go around them safely. But sometimes it’s difficult – I’ll be able to do it better on a long run than I am if I’m going faster. I’m just speaking for myself, though. (I am not only a really tall guy, I’m a really tall black guy that happens to have a fairly quiet foot pattern. So yes, without going into politics, I’m well aware of making myself seen!)

        I’ve been startled from behind myself (by cyclists and – on Thursday – by one of my teammates who was ripping out some intense intervals), and…like, I’d rather have the warning, but also I appreciate that it’s difficult when you’re moving fast. I’ve also been the jerk with headphones, and…to be honest, I don’t think it’s on the person coming up from behind if the person in front is wearing headphones. (I mean, I still feel bad for startling people, but also it’s not my fault you weren’t paying attention or more often, it’s not your fault if I’m not paying attention).

        Bells might be a non-starter, though. Hell, I had to stash my keys on the fence Thursday because they were sitting in my pocket wrong! (Then again, I am a princess. As in, I am literally the princess in The Princess And The Pea.)

        1. Out in the Wilderness*

          Sure, it isn’t your fault if the person in front of you is startled by your presence due to headphones (or just daydreaming and not paying attention).

          It absolutely IS on YOU to go around that person though — at a safe distance — and not try to bully them off the sidewalk and out of your way. As noted in my post above.

          Even if you must come to a dead stop and wait for a passing car. I’m not going to try and navigate my blind dog off the sidewalk and out of your way so you can keep you pace. That is not reasonable.

          It is like driving, you go the speed of traffic and pass when it is safe. You don’t bully the car in front of you (well, some people do, those people are assholes)

          Sorry to harp on this, but runners in my neighborhood are often…not very polite, and I am tired of being passed closely by people panting their possibly virus-laden breath over my shoulder as they go.

          1. LGC*

            Well…I think there’s two separate arguments.

            It is on the person behind to pass safely, or as safely as possible, which is the point you’re making and which I agree with 100%.

            It is not on the person behind to manage the person in front’s reaction, above and beyond alerting said person to their presence. That’s what I meant – I’ve been startled too, but that’s because I was too busy listening to BTS and then I got yanked out of it by an “On your left!” If I jump or otherwise freak out…that’s not the person behind me’s problem.

            1. Out in the Wilderness*

              Yes — I actually agree with you 100% here, on both points. Not your job to manage other people’s reactions at all.

              I think my annoyance has stemmed in part from the fact that it actually shouldn’t be that hard to pass safely in our neighborhood — it is quiet, very little traffic. The guy who passed within a foot or two had no excuse — he could have veered into the street easily, there were no cars coming, he would barely have needed to slow down. And to be fair, some of the runners have been great on this as well…it is just the not-so-great ones that stick out in my mind (probably unfairly!)

              1. LGC*

                And to be fair, some of the runners have been great on this as well…it is just the not-so-great ones that stick out in my mind (probably unfairly!)

                …yeah, I’d say probably! (As the professional “HI GUYS I’M A HOT MESS TOO” guy around here: I’m also guilty of this!) I was a little thrown off because it seemed like you were addressing the first point, when my initial reply to Lost In The Woods was mostly about the second.

                Speaking for myself (and probably for most people I know), I think most people do try to be safe. If I’m going fast, it’s often easier for me to step off-path if there’s space. (If there’s no space, I’ll probably avoid that path.) But also, I think…I can call myself an experienced road runner at this point, but a lot of people aren’t! So I think a lot of people are learning proper road etiquette and how to be a good citizen. And the evidence has been…confusing, to say the least. This time last month, people were convinced that runners were plague machines who should hide their shameful bodies from polite society. Current science says that runners (and cyclists, love y’all too) passing by are probably one of the lowest risk exposures.

                That said, regardless of the actual risk, it’s still impolite to get close up on people. Especially now. So although it’s probably not like you’re going to catch COVID from the maskless runner that passed within two feet of you, it’s still a jerk move.

                1. LGC*

                  (And just to be clear, it’s a jerk move for the person behind to pass within two feet if they can give a wider amount of space. It’s still a bit uncomfortable if there’s nowhere else to safely go, but not as jerk, in my opinion.)

    3. Emily*

      I’m doing okay! For better or for worse, the pandemic came at a time when I had decided to become more serious about my running (“serious” being a relative term, obviously), so not having the distractions of some of my other hobbies has allowed me to go for it.

      Distancing while running was stressing me out for a while, but I’ve chilled out about it a little after reading multiple things that suggest that quickly passing someone outside is very, very low risk as far as transmission goes. I’ve also gotten a better handle on when and where to run so that I don’t have to feel like I’m constantly dodging people. I haven’t been wearing a mask generally, but I have been bringing along a face covering (first a bandana, and now a buff) to put on in case I need to pass close to people.

      I also think that people in general may have gotten a little better at distancing – when stay-at-home orders were first announced in my state, everyone was suddenly outside, sometimes in large groups or with poor path etiquette. Now, more of the people I see are making an effort to stay away from others, although I did struggle to go around two women recently who were doing an incredible job of distancing from each other…by walking on completely opposite edges of the path (which is not wide enough for someone to pass through the middle and still maintain the desired 2 meters). Sigh.

      1. LGC*

        I also think that people in general may have gotten a little better at distancing – when stay-at-home orders were first announced in my state, everyone was suddenly outside, sometimes in large groups or with poor path etiquette.

        That’s what I’ve noticed! I was really SHUT EVERYTHING TF DOWN earlier because there was such poor etiquette, but I think people have kind of learned how to human in the pandemic now. I think also, like…there was this interesting Twitter thread I read a day or so ago about how depth of field can be used to shame people for not social distancing properly (it was a photo in England where people were spread out over a kilometer of boardwalk and they were made to look like they were right next to each other), and that’s kind of the filter I was viewing the world through about a month or two ago. I hate to say it, but I’m just less able to be angry that people aren’t perfectly social distancing – even if I wanted to be angry, I don’t know if I could manage it. (And I don’t want to be angry because my head in March and April wasn’t a very pleasant place to be.)

        1. RagingADHD*

          Anger is useful when it gives you the energy to change things. Anger over things you can’t change (like other people distancing) just wears you out.

      2. Washi*

        I’ve continued to run only on quiet roads, because when I’ve ventured into parks, I still end up seeing some truly foolish behavior. My favorite was a family that decided to picnic IN THE MIDDLE of a busy paved multiuse path. With beautiful expanses of grass on either side. I didn’t even say anything because I just….there has to be a good reason to do that right? And just last week I ran on a trail I knew tended to be quiet, and there were two adult women sitting in the middle of the path picking up rocks, I think?

        On the plus side, I thought I knew my area well, but now I’m doing a lot of new routes and discovering all these neighborhoods I totally overlooked! It’s actually been kind of fun to plan quiet roads loops and go new places, and has really gotten me out of the rut of doing the same 5 runs over and over.

    4. A bit of a saga*

      My running has mostly been great – the fact it’s been one of the few activities left to do has motivated me. I’ve also done a number of virtual races to spur me on. Where I am we’re now slowly opening up and there are definitely a lot more people in the streets again. You have to wear masks in certain parts of the city and on public transport but no-one, myself included, runs with them

      1. LGC*

        It’s a similar situation here. You have to wear masks on public transportation (aside a lot of other things, which is its own thread) and to even go in a store, but I’ve seen very few runners with them. (Relatively few walkers as well.)

        I’ve found that it motivated me as well! Plus, not being able to run with my normal crew has been somewhat good for me since I tend to do what everyone else is doing rather than what’s the best thing for me. (I am the kind of guy who will try to do multiple long runs in a weekend if my friends need someone to run with.)

    5. Hi there*

      Thanks for checking! A couple of years ago things shifted in our schedules, and I couldn’t fit in the gym much. I also started heart rate training, which has been great, but lately I have had some nagging hamstring issues that indicate I need to do more strength. Since I don’t have any races on the calendar until possibly September I thought I’d spend the next little while trying to do strength more diligently. I’ll spell out my intentions here so I have more of a chance to do it. I am thinking a boxing workout on Mondays, the 4-minute strength that is part of my running plan most days, and a 15-minute strength for runners on Thursdays.

  40. nep*

    Eye pain. Ooh, man. After some acute stress last Sunday, headaches returned after no headaches for a couple of months. Yesterday left eye started hurting pretty bad–hurts when I look up, down, side to side…Emailed my eye doctor, who of course is not in. For now they are planning to reopen on 28 May. I certainly don’t want to go to any other medical facility right now, so I’m hoping this will calm down.
    Overnight, headache was quite bad, so I’m hoping the eye thing is part of that and not a serious eye issue. But no idea.
    Anyone else experience eye pain–hurts when looking around? Warm compresses ever help?
    Thanks for any tips, commiseration…(I know it could be serious…I don’t want to mess around with the eyes. It’s just crap timing for sure.)
    Thanks for listening.

    1. Admin of Sys*

      Might it be a stye? Generally, before they’re visible as bumps, they hurt as the tear gland starts swelling.

    2. Ranon*

      This is going to sound silly and is possibly too minor a cause for the pain you’re experiencing- but how much time are you giving your eyes to look at things at a long distance from you versus close up? The muscles in our eyes flex when we look at close things and gazing into the distance relaxes them- with everyone staying inside a whole lot more it’s possible you’re not getting enough long gaze time.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. I do go out to the grocery store occasionally…but yes, surely not out there as much as in the past.
        I do see online that eye strain can cause pain when looking side to side or up and down…but of course, I mustn’t base anything on Dr. Google. Not even looking online anymore because it will just raise my stress levels.
        I emailed my eye doctor again to ask for a video consult so he can advise on where to go.

        1. Venus*

          Distance changes can be the far wall of the room, so no need to go out. The important thing is to look up from computer and phone screens, and to blink more often and take a bit of rest if strained by closing eyes and maybe using a warm or cool compress. Good luck!

    3. Natalie*

      Please contact a clinic (that’s open) and see if the triage staff thinks you should come in! Eye pain and headaches can be symptoms of serious medical conditions. And medical facilities in general have taken a lot of steps to minimize transmission opportunities.

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        Call your eye doctor’s office! There are eye-related emergencies, so there’s probably a triage line, and they almost certainly have someone who can see you if necessary. Eye pain is not something to mess with.

      3. nep*

        Thanks. I’m so afraid to go to any medical facility, but also I know this is certainly not something to mess with. I’m going to see what my eye doctor suggests.

          1. Natalie*

            I’m sorry, that really sucks and is stressful. But this could be an emergency. (Just as an example, I had a “hypertensive emergency” recently and the main symptoms they were concerned about were headaches, eye changes and confusion.) Deal with the bill issue when you come to it.

    4. Retired optometrist*

      Call a doctor. Pain with eye movement in the absence of anything external you notice and with no history of trauma (which would indicate something different) is a sign of retrobulbar optic neuritis.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Call your regular doctor’s office for advice; they probably have an after-hours on-call advice line. You may not have to go anywhere but call.

    6. Courageous cat*

      Do not mess around with your eyes. Find someone else who’s open. There are clinics all over taking urgent cases.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, call and get a doctor’s appointment of any kind – maybe video conferencing. They might want photos of your eye. It’s impossible to diagnose your eye pain here.
      My eye pain was from a pinguecula – a yellowish spot on the white area of the eye. Over-the-counter “Refresh Plus” eye drops help a lot. Spouse had eye pain from a tiny piece of foreign material stuck on the inside of the eyelid. A medical person removed it. Problem solved.
      What helps depends on what’s wrong and you need a diagnosis first.
      Hoping you get help soon.

    8. nep*

      So great–my eye doctor just emailed me back, and we’re going to chat this evening. (I did a virtual visit with someone at an urgent care today; he thinks it’s stress-induced migraine. I’m not convinced. I did appreciate their quick service and his manner on the video chat though.)

      1. nep*

        My eye doctor was so great in the phone consult. He’s arranging for me to go into his office Monday morning for some tests. Immense relief just talking with him and getting the support.
        Very much appreciate all the input, insights.

        1. Lost in the Woods*

          Good to hear you got in with your eye doctor! I always get concerned when people go to urgent care for eye issues, because we have so, so many patients who come in with stuff that’s been mismanaged. I think they must not get a ton of training on eye issues, because the number of people who come in who’ve been proscribed proparacaine – which *causes corneal toxicity* when used frequently amounts – is astonishing.

    9. Pseudonomnomnom*

      Hope you are feeling better or on the way to it!
      I had some pretty severe eye pain on up-down movement coupled with headaches last month, got in for an exam right away (after calling their emergency consult line), and was diagnosed with iritis (inflammation of the iris). My eye doc said it can get bad if left untreated, and that it was very good I came in promptly.

      1. allathian*

        In my country the public health authorities are really worried about people not going to the doctor for anything other than respiratory illnesses, because some things become more urgent before people go to the doc. People are even scared to call for an ambulance if they suspect a heart attack or a stroke, and die or become more seriously ill as a result.
        Here, sheltering-in-place has been generally successful, the infection curve is going down and there’s enough room in ICUs that they’re thinking of restarting elective surgeries at some hospitals.

  41. nep*

    For anyone who likes this kind of thing, Mashable in its shop has some pretty interesting deals on courses, gadgets, WordPress bundles…

  42. Admin of Sys*

    I know my house is 20yo and that things breaking are therefore right on schedule, but can we stop now? Or at least give me more than 1 season between v. Expensive home repairs? But at least the garage had been cleaned before the hot water heater dumped water over everything. And the new one is much warmer, so that’s good. And I had managed to rebuild the savings since the AC went last year, but since the big appliances and roof are also all about 20yo, I’m expecting another hit sooner vs later. *sigh*
    (Home ownership is annoying)

    1. Stephanie*

      It’s no fun spending money on those kinds of things, and I sympathize. We came home from a fairly expensive vacation once, hit the button on the garage door opener, and watched the garage door literally fold inward at the top (the top panel, that is). I just laughed like a loon, and then I wanted to cry, because new garage doors are expensive. (It happened more than 10 years ago, and I still remember the horror of watching that top panel collapse inward.)
      At least once you replace things, you know it’ll be a long time before they’ll need fixing/replacing? I know, small comfort.

      1. Enough*

        Unless you live there long enough. 36 years (only owner) and everything has been replaced at least once, some twice. Almost time for 2nd roof replacement and just replaced heat pump for 2nd time. But strangely still have the original water heater.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          +1
          Everything will need replacing eventually. Many items cost thousands of dollars.

    2. filosofickle*

      Home ownership IS annoying. I used to own a unit in a small building that had serious structural problems…every time it rained for 5 years, I couldn’t sleep for fear of walls buckling and water seeping in. We scraped together a large sum of money to fix the biggest problem, and I promptly sold. Went back to renting because this is a tippy top HCOL area and I couldn’t afford anything else, plus I was burned out on owning. Years later, my partner and I are now looking at buying. We’re not thrilled about condo/townhouse HOA drama but like that it comes with less responsibility for things like roofs. All the single family homes in our area are 50-100 years old, and honestly we can’t imagine being responsible for the upkeep! Anything even remotely affordable will need wiring, plumbing, and extensive renovation. And it never stops.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I feel ya. A friend of mine asked me recently what kind of savings she should have before thinking about buying a house and I was like “Well, in the five years since I bought mine I’ve replaced the washer and dryer, the whole kitchen suite of appliances, the garage door and opener, the hot water heater, the heat pump, the sliding door, and all the windows, so… as much as you can.” Not all of that was strictly NECESSARY, but none of it was frivolous.

    4. Bounce*

      I feel you. We bought a 10 year old house. We spent the first couple of years updating it (new paint, ripped out a seriously fugly bathroom, put in dishwasher.) Then at about 15 years old, the house started needing repairs like deck replacement. Right before we sold it, now aged 20, we had to replace the roof, reseal driveway, HVAC. Ugh. We have bought new since.

    5. Anonymath*

      We’re at about 10 years on a new house here and it seems to be time for the minor appliances to die. So far we’ve replaced the garage door opener, the built in microwave, and my food processor, and we just ordered a new sink faucet this afternoon. I guess this is where my stimulus check is going.

      1. allathian*

        We moved in 8 years ago to a newly-built house. So far we’ve had to replace the dishwasher and washing machine and the water connector for the dishwasher. Our fridge/freezer seems to be on its last legs and because we also have a chest freezer, we’re thinking of replacing our fridge/freezer with a standing fridge, because ours is always full.
        Luckily my husband enjoys doing house maintenance and he’s also very good at it, so he does all installations himself that he can, including electrics (those have to be certified by an electrician before they can be used).

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I have been in this house for 28 years and at some point my give-a-damn broke. I buy used stuff as often as possible. Like you show here the money just flies out the door. I bought a decent stove for$50. I needed to replace an insulated exterior door and found a used one for $30 plus the price of two cans of spray paint. My wall-to-wall rugs were $99 each at an outlet clearance sale.

      Get familiar with the building supply outlets or clearance centers in your area. This way you will know where to go when you have to replace something in a hurry. If plants interest you, garden centers put a lot of stuff out super cheap in the late fall. You might be able to find a reuse store near you. When we get back to tag sales, you can find some unbelievable stuff for a few bucks.

      Oddly, organize the little stuff you do have. I am amazed at how a small project can involve 30- $1 items. wth! This particular type of screw, that certain kind of bracket, before I know it I have spent $50 bucks on miscellaneous stuff to do a small task. Even a weak attempt at organizing supplies/parts will help keep your costs down.

      Another good thing to do is organize your warranties for everything. A few years ago, money was tight and my hot water tank failed. Peach. I knew this was going to be $1000. I found the warranty. It was covered! I jumped for joy. I happily paid the $250 in labor for installation of my free tank.

      My husband and I had lived here for 14 years. We had done a few repairs but not a lot. By year 14, I was in TEARS because of all that was needed here. Looking back on it, I would have budgeted about $5k per year for household repairs and made sure we fixed something every year, even if we did not spend the full $5k. I think the part we got right is when we did buy something, we assumed that something else would fail shortly so we made our choices modest in anticipation of that next failure. One particular month I will always remember. The hot water heater went ($1000), the floor in our largest room caved in because of drainage issues ($2000) and a head gasket went on my car ($1000). It was just unreal. Yeah, the heavy bursts of breakage do stop even though it feels like it won’t.

      I see municipalities write out repair-replace schedules for their equipment. I am thinking it would probably be a good idea for home owners to do that also.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hear you! I also I am looking at a new roof in the near future, and keep having other little things go wrong. Not the least of which is that my mother-in-law is trying to empty her basement, her basement has pest problems so I don’t want to bring any of it into my house. But I don’t have a detached garage.

  43. Oxford Comma*

    It was bad enough when everyone started talking about reopening. Without derailing into work, so far I’m safe on that score. I figured if people want to shop or eat in a restaurant or otherwise go out, as unwise as I think it, that’s on them. I plan on continuing to self-quarantine as much as I can.

    For a few days that was all fine.

    But now, now I have people in my life telling me that “you can’t live your life in a bubble.” “It’s a just a flu.” “We have to support the economy.” People are inviting me to restaurants for when everything opens in a few weeks and are getting upset when I decline. I was supposed to go on a vacation this summer and the people I am traveling with seem baffled that I am bailing.

    I am more than capable of telling people no and to respect my personal decisions, but I needed to vent.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I am with you on that. We have had curbside takeout available all through this and I have availed myself of none of it. I have no idea what the health condition is of anyone working in those restaurants.

      There is a restaurant just in front of my apartment building that I used to love to go to, but sometimes on a walk, I will see the employees out back on a break, smoking, and not social distancing. That’s not something I’m comfortable with.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve been sticking to curbside grocery pickup and occasionally a you-bake-it pizza (hoping the heat will kill any germs).

    2. Wired Wolf*

      I was talking with a friend the other day and after I had patiently explained to her why no, our state is not throwing the doors open on Monday…she says “So where do you want to go to eat on opening day?” ….whoa, slow your roll. People need to feel safe eating out. I compromised by suggesting a few rounds of takeout at my place first…but that gets into getting her to pay for her share which I’ve been covering too many times (I considered getting her to use Zelle or another money transfer app but even though she does everything on her phone that is way beyond her ken). It seems that she thinks whoever suggests something should pay for it.

      My mom and I were trying to plan a vacation to visit my dad in the fall…but if every state is requiring out of state visitors to self-quarantine for two weeks how does that work if I can only use one week vacation time at a time?

      1. Enough*

        Everyone wants to go out the first day they can which is the worst thing to do. I have a place I want to go to that closed completely. My plan is to wait 2 weeks and then go at an off time. During normal times they have a very long line to order your food during lunch and dinner.

        1. Ranon*

          I’ve been using the analogy of an ice storm with folks I know (we’re far enough south that we rarely get anything like weather but when we do people can’t handle it)- I’m going to wait a few weeks for people to drive into the (metaphorical) guardrails and then once they’ve gotten it out of their system and I can assess the risk better I’ll consider venturing forth. But I’m not going to be the first one out there and find the black ice myself.

        2. tangerineRose*

          ” My plan is to wait 2 weeks and then go at an off time. ” Smart. I’m going to wait a while too.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Every state isn’t requiring self-quarantine; it depends on where you go and where you’re coming from. Florida is requiring it for visitors from NY, NJ and one other state, I forget which. I don’t believe Indiana is requiring it at all?

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      You may not be able to entirely live in a bubble, but I doubt those other people will be hopelessly isolated for lack of one Oxford Comma.

      Other than that, maybe tell them that you don’t believe it’s just a flu, and that flu is hardly trivial, so you’re going to stay home and hope you’re wrong, while they go out and do whatever.

    4. Fikly*

      I’d simply remind them that the flu kills tens of thousands of people in the US every year.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Two thoughts. Are you giving them reasons? If you say that you’re staying in because of COVID, that opens up a whole can of worms. In my opinion, the reason people push back is because they actually want to know how scared to be, and they want the answer to be “not at all.” So when you say “I’m staying in because of COVID,” what they hear is “you are foolish to go out,” and then they argue with you. If they can get you to go out, that means they are right and there’s nothing to worry about.

      You might consider just declining without additional discussion. “Sorry, I can’t make it for dinner on Thursday.” “That vacation sounds great but it’s not for me this year.” If people ask why, I think it’s okay to say “it just won’t work this time” or something like that. People do have other reasons to decline something other than “self-quarantine.” You don’t have to explain.

      To the extent that you do share your reasons, or that people want to scold you because they assume you are avoiding exposure, I would try not to engage. “Yeah, I understand about [economy][flu][bubbles], but I still can’t join you on Thursday. Have a great time!” The less you give them to argue with, the less they can argue.

      1. Oxford Comma*

        I pushed back. I have been declining politely at first. If they push, I tell them why.

        My thinking is that they want affirmation that their plans to go out immediately are sound and when people say no, they resent it. I am tired and angry and scared and I do not need anyone gaslighting me with how there’s no danger. So over it.

        Posted here because I wanted a place to vent.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Sorry you’re having to deal with this. You’re right; they’re wrong. There is still danger.

          1. Kiwi with laser beams*

            And the reopening isn’t even set to happen for a few weeks! That’s a long time in pandemic time. Maybe OP’s area will flatten its curve enough to be SOMEWHAT safe in a few weeks, but NOBODY can guarantee that.

        2. Sam I Am*

          I think your steps in these interactions makes sense; polite decline, then discussion if they push.

          I’m very much in the “I’m doing what I need to do and that’s all I can really control,” phase. I gently steer conversations away from party planning right now. Plans for July? Nope, don’t have ’em, not makin ’em.
          Then I discuss how beautiful my daffodils are, because these flowers have hypnotized me this year.

          Stay your course.

    7. Blueberry*

      I hear you. I so hear you.

      The other day I saw an observation that just like those supposed ancient rituals in horror stories where people are sacrificed for the fertility of the land, our society wants to sacrifice people for ‘the economy’. I don’t suggest you say this to the people pressuring you because they’ve already metaphorically closed their ears, but I thought it might be a thought to invoke if too much questioning makes you question yourself.

    8. Anonnington*

      I would give them a non-COVID excuse or just not respond. You don’t owe them the complete and honest reasoning behind your decision. It would be fine to say, “I’m busy with work / family / home renovations / health / pets / religion / hobbies / volunteering,” whatever fits. Because you WILL be busy with something. You’ll be doing something instead of going out and “supporting the economy.”

      I’m also with you on this. New Yorkers are increasingly pushing back against social distancing. I’m still staying home. I say give it a few weeks. Give it a month or two. Then we’ll see what happens – whether infection rates start to rise again or if the curve stays flat.

      It could go either way. Here in the city, maybe most of us have been exposed and most of the people vulnerable to it have already gotten sick. Maybe the rest of us are basically immune. Or it could go the opposite way – maybe most of us have not been exposed and the worst is yet to come.

      And we don’t really know how fast it will spread in other areas and how effective the basic precautions are. We can guess based on data from other countries. But we don’t really know.

      I would rather be home for another month than risk death or a long-term hospitalization. I say that’s a good choice to make.

      Definitely don’t give in to the macho, “Are you SCARED???” thing. That’s the mentality that causes people to stay home during hurricanes (and wild fires), overdose on drugs, all kinds of things they later regret and then try to make excuses for. Just ignore them and see how things are in a month or two.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I totally lost my cool when someone told me I was being irrational*. Yes I am taking some extreme precautions. But they are logical, clearly thought out extreme precautions because I have immune-compromised family members to protect.
      *specifically because I set aside mail and shelf-stable groceries for 4 days.

      1. allathian*

        I don’t do either, but I don’t have immuno-compromised family members living in the same household. I haven’t seen my parents face to face since February and we live in the same city and in normal circumstances I’d see them at least once a month. My in-laws visited us two weeks ago, but we did the social distancing thing with a bit to spare, they were down in the yard, my husband and I stayed on our balcony. They really came to see our son, but at 10 he’s very good with social distancing, not least because he loves his grandparents and doesn’t want them to get sick.
        You do what you think is necessary to protect yourself and your family, including losing your cool when people question your choices.

  44. Feeling mildly anxious for my dog*

    My almost 18 year old toy poodle is going under anesthesia early next week for a dental cleaning (and any possible extractions) and a biopsy on a spot on her cheek (looks like a growth or a scab of some kind).

    Feeling nervous because she is so old. Hope she has no issues and everything goes well.
    Last time she had anesthesia was about 4 years ago but 14 seems so much younger than 18 for a dog.

    1. cat socks*

      Hope everything goes smoothly! I was a nervous wreck when one of my cats had dental surgery earlier this year. Sending good vibes!

    2. KR*

      My 14 year old good boy is due for a cleaning/extraction and I am D R E A D I N G it on his behalf. Good luck to your furry friend.

  45. Jedi Squirrel*

    I was finally able to find spreadable margarine at the grocery store, which is great, because I love toast.

    Whoever was the first person to look at a loaf of bread and say “Eff it, cook it again” was showing the kind of culinary bravado I need right now. I have no interest in food.

    2. CupcakeCounter*

      Something about toast with butter is just delightful – simple and tasty, warm and a delightful mix of soft and crisp.
      Yeah toast!

    4. Fikly*

      The more I look at the lengths humans have gone to as a species to make things that start out poisonous edible, the more I think about just how freaking hungry we must have been for so very long.

      Glad to not be living then.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I have always wondered what poor schlubs got tagged to find out what parts of the super poisonous fish might be okay to eat if you do what to them, and who thought this was a fun idea to try.

        1. Fikly*

          Yeah, there’s a reason human toddlers abruptly become super picky in what they eat. It’s because that’s when they (and our pre-human ancestors) became mobile enough to get access to things they can stick in their mouths, but were still too young to know what wouldn’t kill them.

          The ones who didn’t do this? Well, those genes did not get passed on.

    5. JDC*

      I finally did avocado toast. No idea what took me so long as I’ve long loved toast abs avocados.

    6. Dan*

      I’ve actually googled “who ate the first lobster”. Because let’s face it, one actually has to find them, and then decide that cracking open the hard shell is worth while.

      The same has to be true with oysters too… it take patience to open the thing, and then to decide that eating it raw is worth a dare?

    7. Red Sky*

      I feel you. I’ve already decided my last meal will be sourdough toast slathered in real butter despite my dairy and gluten intolerance.

      1. Fikly*

        Well, if it’s your last meal, you don’t have to worry about feeling bad after!

    8. Pam*

      My sister teaches 3 and 4 year olds. One day, one of her students had to tell her about an amazing discovery. “Teacher, did you know that inside toast, there is bread?!”

    9. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Oh man do I miss toast. Especially avocado toast. :-(
      It’s been about 2 & a half years since I found out that I was allergic to wheat, soy & egg whites and I have yet to find a really good bread. I found a pretty good sourdough, but it never toasted – just turned into a giant crouton, but still white. Very odd. It was good, but not worth the ten bucks for a tiny loaf.
      Every once in awhile I break down and just eat some. Then I pay for it two days later.
      I /really/ want some avocado toast.

  46. Fellow Traveler*

    Hello! Happy weekend! The weather is beautiful where we are- almost like summer, but still too early for mosquitoes.
    I always love everyone’s food suggestions, so I thought I’d ask for some ideas for two things:
    – What are the first meals you remember being able to cook/make? I would like to have my eight year old make lunch once a week for herself and her three year old brother since they are home all the time now. So far she can make box Mac n cheese, English muffin pizzas, and eggs and toast. Any other suggestions for simple lunch ideas an eight year old can handle?
    – Also- looking for suggestions for afternoon tea snacks. We have started instituting afternoon tea as a kind of pick me up since the afternoons tend to drag . for us, it means we sit down around 3/3:30p and have tea (grown ups) and juice or honey lemon water (kids), and eat cookies ( not sure how authentic that really is; perhaps we should call it happy hour?) But… the constant diet of cookies and baked goods is definitely not great for us. Suggestions for healthier alternatives for us to nibble on?

    1. Ranon*

      For snacks- we’re starting to get to the edge of the season for some fruit, maybe through the summer make a point of paying attention to what’s in season and make that your treat? I think it’s fine to fill in the edges with a carb, when I’m feeling like I want my carb to be more substantive I use oatmeal and or chickpeas in the base to up the fiber and vitamin quotient (fat and sugar still invited to the party). Hummus and veggies is nice too but maybe not enough of a treat?

      I did ramen with frozen peas at that age. If she can do box mac and cheese she can also do pasta with sauce from a jar, with a handful of canned chickpeas or something for more protein. I think I did tuna salad at that age too.

      1. another scientist*

        +1. I started by snazzing up convenience food, like adding extra toppings to that mac’n’cheeses, or on frozen pizza. BLTs and other sandwiches, bagels could also be nice.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Ramen plus egg & mushrooms can be a mock egg drop soup. It can also make a decent “faux pho” if you get your hands on some Hoisin sauce,
          basil and other fillings. Try deli roast beef for the protein portion.
          And I distinctly remember being in third or fourth grade and learning how to grow bean sprouts at a summer camp. I learned to the like bean sprouts the first time I tried them because of that!

    2. GoryDetails*

      She’s already way ahead of me at that age! I think I started with a very basic bologna sandwich – Wonder Bread, mayonnaise, a slice of Oscar Meyer bologna, and that was it. First actual-cooking thing… probably tuna casserole, something Mom served fairly often (and told me was her own first-dish when she got married {grin}). It was fairly basic too: a simple white sauce, flat noodles, canned tuna, some salt and pepper…

    3. Overeducated*

      Oh, I love the afternoon tea idea! My mom and i used to do that. I’ll be following for ideas.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      lunch ideas – canned soup and sandwiches? If she can cook eggs, she can probably learn how to do pancakes from a mix or grilled cheese. Frozen chicken nuggets can be done easily enough in either the oven or the microwave. Reheating leftovers. If you make extra taco meat on family taco night and put it aside, she can make tacos or nachos from the extra. Tuna salad, chicken salad, egg salad (with either tinned or pre-prepped proteins). Also, you may have already done this but – ask her what she thinks she might want to learn to do next :) You might be surprised at her ideas!

    5. Wired Wolf*

      The first “real food” I can remember making on my own is a tuna noodle casserole that involved curry powder, and it wasn’t as “wet” as most (held together on a serving spoon, but wasn’t drippy). It was awesome and I’ve been trying to recreate the recipe for ~30 years with no real success.

    6. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      A proper English “cream tea” has a mixture of savoury and sweet things, and generally gets you so full you don’t want dinner (it’s the only time you’d ever get a doggy bag in the UK).

      So there would be tiny sandwiches – imagine making a sandwich on packaged sliced bread, then cutting it into six or eight. They might be:

      * roast beef and arugula
      * thinly sliced cucumber
      * egg salad
      * smoked salmon and cream cheese
      * cheese and chutney

      You might see sausage rolls or cheese straws (both puff pastry). You might see mini pork pies (chilled, hot water crust).

      Then the sweet things would be miniature or otherwise delicate and complicated but probably not frosted. And there would be a scone each, so fresh it’s still warm from the oven, with clotted cream (if you can get it, otherwise stiffly whipped) and very fruity jam (typically strawberry). Cakes might include:

      * macarons
      * Victoria sponge
      * lemon drizzle
      * carrot cake
      * custard tart
      * mocha slice
      * fruit cake
      * meringue

      Hungry now …

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        yummy! Maybe what I need to do is make smaller cookies…
        Smoked salmon is a great idea!

    7. Parenthetically*

      We do those packet rice mixes with added frozen veggies for lunches — just as simple as mac and cheese. Pasta and jarred sauce with some veggies? And maybe experimenting with different kinds of eggs? What about things like biscuits?

      As for afternoon tea, what about nice grainy crackers and cheese and fruit?

    8. Emily*

      Maybe for the tea, you could do charcuterie-style snacks – cheese, crackers, honey or jam if you want it, meat if you want it, maybe some other things (complementary fruits/veggies/spreads)?

      1. Sam I Am*

        Your suggestion drove me straight to the kitchen. I came out with a plate of hummus, strawberries and crackers.

    9. mlk*

      This is a tea suggestion that the kids might like–Bugs (or bumps!) on a log! Take a celery stick and add peanut butter or another nut butter. Dot with raisins or craisins.

    10. 00ff00Claire*

      For first meals, if she can make boxed mac & cheese, she can probably make spaghetti w/ just sauce. I remember making that when I first started cooking and raiding our family’s spice cabinet in order to jazz up the sauce (I really did believe I was making it sooo much better, ha!). Are there any canned vegetables or frozen vegetables your family likes? Those might be easy as a side dish. She can probably make quesadillas in whatever oven she is using to make the English muffin pizzas. One of the first things my younger sister learned to “cook” was quesadillas in the microwave by putting cheese between two tortillas and nuking them. Of course they come out nothing like the real deal, but they’re still edible.

      Ideas for afternoon tea, you could try pairing two food groups: fruit and cheese, crackers & cheese, fruit w/ fruit dip made from sour cream or yogurt, fruit w/ cottage cheese, crackers & nut or seed butter, rice cakes topped w/ something like cheese, nut or seed butter, guacamole, etc. Maybe you could also just try different kinds of “snacky” foods: nuts or seeds, dried fruit, popcorn, boiled eggs, veggies w/ dip, chips & salsa, etc.

    11. Nerdgal*

      The first things I learned were white sauce (creamed chicken, Tina, or chipped beef on toast) and Welsh rarebit with condensed tomato soup. I also made pizza, which would be really easy with the pouch crust mixes that they sell these days. Final suggestion is hobo stew: meat patty with sliced vegetables and canned soup, in a foil packet. I live that yiu are teaching your child this important skill!

      1. Parenthetically*

        Love the idea of doing a white sauce — so versatile for future cooking projects!

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          It was my first thing too, and yes so versatile. Within a year you’ll have a lovely fish pie…

    12. lazy intellectual*

      I come from a family that does ‘afternoon tea’ regularly on weekends/holidays. Honestly, it could be any snacks you want! I like savory, so crackers, cheese, and fruit. Veggies and hummus are also a great option.

    13. Fikly*

      Somehow I’ve never thought about this before, but now that I am, the two memories I have are both of things that I tried to make on my own and were epic failures – a stir fry that was super salty because I did not understand you needed to add things other than soy sauce, and an unfortunately crunchy potato because I was terrified it was going to explode in the microwave. Yes, I poked holes in it.

      Actually, wait, I’m wrong. I think one of the first things I made on my own was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which I fed to my mother when I was around 4? when she was flat on her back in the living room, unable to move because she’d thrown out her back. I’m guessing it was pretty terrible, but she was nice about it. But sandwiches in general are an easy concept, there are a lot of options that don’t require sharp knives, and it’s easy to customize so everyone can have a version they prefer.

    14. RagingADHD*

      My kids started making bean burritos around that age – we just heat up a can of beans, add salsa or maybe some frozen corn. Then grate some cheese (or buy pre- shredded), lettuce & a flour tortilla.

    15. Jaid*

      I have this book… LOL! The Essential Tea Companion has these ideas:

      Stilton, Pear and Watercress Savory toasts: Rye bread, pears, Stilton, watercress, some lemon juice, black pepper and red leaf lettuce. Bread topped with watercress/pear/cheese/pear drizzle with lemon juice and baked at 400F for about 10 minutes or the cheese bubbling. Sprinkle with pepper and garnish with lettuce.
      I’m sure you can come up with a variation.

      Tomato and Goat cheese spread on a sandwich.

      Scone split in two and made into a sandwich with smoked turkey and butter.

      Goat cheese toasts with pink peppercorns.

      Cucumber basil tea sandwiches

      Egg salad.

      Herbed Cream Cheese…

      Anyway, the sandwiches on white bread usually have the crusts trimmed off and are buttered and the slices smashed a little to make them thin. Then the filling is put in.

      Hope this helps (as I’m making myself hungry again…).

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        Stilton and pear is one of my favorite combinations. I’ll have to try that one.

    16. Blueberry*

      Oh man I remember cooking at that age. I was so delighted when I got scrambled eggs right.

      All sorts of sandwicvhes that don’t involve sharp knives (perhaps a parent could slice up cheese, veggies, and meat beforehand) are totally doable.

      You could also look up and order a couple of kids’ cookbooks, and/or subscribe to ChopChop magazine, a cooking magazine for children.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        Oooh! Chop Chop looks wonderful. Would be a great gift too! I’m bookmarking that one.

      2. allathian*

        A cheese parer should work for children, too. Certainly my son’s been handling it since he was about 8.
        My son’s been cutting up cucumber for our salads since he was about 5. An ordinary table knife (not a steak knife!) is sharp enough for that, without being dangerous.

    18. kz*

      Maybe grilled cheese? Eggs are the first thing I remember learning to make and if she can handle the stovetop grilled cheese wouldnt be hard.

      1. E*

        Quesadilla and grilled cheese were my first thought, or even pizza toppings on a tortilla cooked in a toaster oven

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I married into a restaurant family. I was shocked the day I came in and my mother-in-law had my daughter cutting things with a real knife. She was 6. It was a real knife, but not a sharpened professional cook’s knife, and it was mushrooms because they are easy to deal with and don’t have to be cut in any special shape. I held my tongue and nobody got cut. She learned early, and she’s still taking cooking lessons.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah. I remember seeing a documentary about some native people living in Siberia. There, a child who looked about 3 or 4 years old was happily gutting fish with a sharp knife. Obviously they have different ideas than we do about appropriate chores for kids. I wonder how often their kids get injured? But it just goes to show that just because kids do something dangerous, doesn’t mean they’ll automatically get injured. Still, it’s a risk I’d prefer not to take.

    20. Ronda*

      I bought a mandolin and got the non-cut gloves. I use them with my chef knife too.

      Maybe dont need to avoid knifes if use those gloves….. not sure if they have child sized.

      On british soap opera, it seemed like tea was just that you ate it that time of day, often looked like a regular meal (soup and sandwich, etc)

  47. Amber Rose*

    Everyone is more invested in my weight loss than I am: a four part mini series. Sigh.

    I don’t care that much because I’m mostly happy but I still have a lot of old shame tied up in the actual numbers and husband really doesn’t need to be telling his family of tiny people how much I weigh with decimal places. My coworkers can chill out too srsly.

    I threw out my back yesterday. While I was going to the gym I stopped having back problems so I haven’t been stretching. I miss old reality. Current reality sucks.

    1. Fikly*

      Put your husband on an information diet – if he doesn’t know the numbers he can’t share them.

      1. Masquerade*

        I like this approach. If you still want to include him maybe you can switch to other metrics like # of laps, moving up to the next hand weight size, etc depending on your preferred workout. Even more general like “I can tell my stamina is increasing” might be enough. Sorry about your back though, wishing you a speedy recovery!

      2. ValaMalDoran*

        I’m pretty sure my father has no idea how much my mother weighs. None of us do, as she’s refused to tell people her weight for my entire life.

    2. Blue Eagle*

      So sorry to hear that your husband is not totally supporting your efforts by only sharing what you want shared or not sharing anything at all in accordance with what YOU want. There is no way my decluttering would be going so well if my DH wasn’t so supportive of me. Sending you positive thoughts and energy so that you will be successful on YOUR terms.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I assume your husband knows that you prefer him not to discuss your weight with other people. Have you asked him why he’s still doing it? That’s very weird.

      1. Observer*

        That’s the thing that jumped out at me. The others are rude, but unfortunately no big surprise.

  48. silly question*

    I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but I need to ask a question/ vent

    I like to bake for fun – cakes, cookies, desserts. I’m by no means professional but above average with my skills. I would love to open a home bakery for an order here and there, but the state I live in has such strict laws and a lot of hoops to jump through it’s not worth it. So I get my baking craving satisfied by baking for school meetings, just because to friends, thank yous to local businesses who have helped me (just to the owner and staff not to sell), neighbors taste my experiments.

    Here’s the thing the last year or two I’ve had a few people ask me to make something for one of their special occassion. I usually just round up having them pay for ingredients. I feel like my time is valuable so asking for $20, when ingredients are $17 is not unreasonable. In addition I don’t carry a lot of cash with me so its more for convenience. This is not a secret and is well known among friends.

    Recently someone was fuming that I “overcharged her ingredients”. I also use higher quality ingredients so they cost more. This person said ingredients should have only cost $10. In addition said I have a well stocked pantry and could of just used some ingredients from there. Am I wrong with this? I didn’t think I was. I always give a price before committing so it wasn’t like this person was not aware of what the ingredients cost. I really don’t make any money helping someone out.

    I have a fellow baker friend who has the most delicious cookie recipe. Trust me I’ve tried to recreate it but she is just the master. I know when I pay her for ingredients I’m paying a little extra.

    I’m at the point of telling my “customer” that I can no longer bake for them.

    1. WellRed*

      You are not wrong and I bet the person complaining is bitchy and grasping in other ways.

      1. Insurance mom*

        I agree-they can bake their own damn cake! Furthering are they complaining to you or to others? I recommend you fire this customer (and friend)

        1. Silly question*

          They are complaining to me and others. I just worry I’m being petty expecting the extra $10. $10 isn’t going to make or break the bank but helping someone out once or twice a month for a year it adds up. In addition if I forget an ingredient I do raid my pantry and not charge something additional. My pantry is just for my fun hobby cooking

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            It’s cookies, not a cancer cure. You’re not exactly Immortan Joe holding the wretched masses under your iron grip via your control of a resource necessary for survival. She doesn’t like your price she can shlep her ass down to the store a buy a pack of store-brand imitation Nabisco.

            Just make the price clear up front and if she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t have to buy it,

          2. Blueberry*

            She is an ungrateful twit. Life is too short to retain ungrateful twits, you know?

          3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            Uh huh and your baking parchment costs nothing, or the butter you use to grease the tin, or the cupcake cases, or the dish soap to wash up afterwards, or the energy to heat up the oven? And you maybe deliver in a new card box?

            Rounding up from precise out-of-pocket expenses is the very minimum for a favour (as opposed to a gift, where different metrics may apply).

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Yeah, someone getting snotty like that is not someone who gets any more of my baked goods. Ever. :P

    3. CatCat*

      Yeah, stop engaging with this person if they’re going to be difficult. If they ask in the future, “Oh, I’m not available.”

      1. Mid*

        Yup this. My friend made me masks and asked that I pay for materials and postage. I paid triple what they asked, because they’re my friend and I value their time and effort. Friends don’t complain about someone rounding up on a handmade treat done as a favor.

    4. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      No, you’re not wrong.

      She shouldn’t be expecting you to buy her groceries, which is what “you have a well-stocked pantry” means. And that’s in normal times, when you can count on being able to replace things.

    5. Kathenus*

      You’re totally right, your ‘friend’ is totally wrong. About as clear cut as it can be. If it was me I’d cut this person off completely from being their baker. If you’re nicer than me, then tell them in the future they can supply all the ingredients themselves, that way they are sure of the cost.

      1. silly question*

        I appreciate the suggestion but I feel like if they supplied the ingredients they would go for cheaper items. Totally fine, but if they are expecting the same results it might be difficult. In addition i’ve take years to perfect certain recipes that come out the way they do because of the ingredients. I don’t mean to sound snobbish but I think this person would buy from the discount rack and expect gourmet. I cut costs where I can, but some recipes its definitely better to use the higher quality ingredients.

        1. Jessi*

          I think this is sort of the point though. You can say it would be roughly x$ for ingredients or you can supply your own. If the product is inferior that’s not really your fault or problem

          1. Sam I Am*

            I’m going to jump in and disagree with allowing people to supply their own ingredients. It’s just … too much work.

            If they want to use their ingredients, maybe you can book a $10 zoom session with them and supervise their baking while you have a glass of something you like to relax with?

            If you bake with ingredients you like, charge for those plus 20%. The 20% isn’t a professional up-charge, it’s an hobbyist one.

            Figure out the costs of the ingredients before you take any more orders for anything : cakes that aren’t chocolate use 2 c of flour. Chocolate cakes use x cups of flour plus x cups cocoa. Etc. Figure out what your variations cost, add 20%, then you have your numbers. You never have to think about the price again until an ingredient spikes in price.

            Want to give a friends & family discount? They get cost plus 10%, or 5$ off, whichever works for you. (I find on small ticket items the percentage sound better than the dollar value. YMMV). The only decision you have to make in negotiations is “do I give them the discount?” Nothing about “well, if we use this, or what if we sub this, etc.”

            This front-loads your labor, other than the task itself, to before the time you ever negotiate any cookie or cupcake. Then you have the bandwidth, in the moment, so consider if you want to use egg replacer or gluten free flour for a special request, instead of trying to figure costs and logistics at the same time.

            If you find yourself graduating to semi-professional in the future, reconsider making your % up-charge higher.

          2. Observer*

            I wouldn’t go there. This is not someone is being reasonable about the matter. Remember this person complained because the OP didn’t provide ingredients for free!

        2. old curmudgeon*

          Absolutely better ingredients make for a better result.

          I’d go farther. I’d tell your client that not only can she buy her own ingredients, she can do her own baking next time as well. If she is unhappy with the results, she can assess how much happier she’d be with your excellent skills and superior ingredients, and determine if that degree of happiness is worth the price you charge. If it is not, then she shouldn’t be asking you to bake for her.

          Or just cut to the chase and tell her she is no longer your customer. That’s what I’d do, but then I am a cranky old curmudgeon who is not at all afraid to tell people where to go. Most people are far nicer than I am.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Yeah, I’d just say “That didn’t seem to work for us, and I don’t want baking to mess up our friendship” (although her rudeness clearly already did that).

        3. anonymouse for this*

          Wow – she’s got a brass neck. It doesn’t sound like she’s a close friend so if I were you I’d refuse to engage with her again. I wouldn’t waste your time baking for her if she gets cheap ingredients herself – as you say the end product likely won’t be as good and she’d probably ask for a free cake to make up for it!

        4. Emma*

          FWIW, I wouldn’t offer to let someone supply their own ingredients. You are essentially baking for people for free (rounding up is not the same as charging for your time, electricity, etc). I assume you are doing this partly for the joy of it. If it was me, using ingredients that I felt gave me an inferior result would reduce my joy in baking, and I don’t think it would be worth it. I don’t see any reason you should feel any obligation to do that.
          I think people often undervalue things that are handmade/ homemade and expect them to cost far too little.
          If you agree to let her supply her own ingredients, would you be happy if a lot of your other customers wanted to do the same? I would also worry that, if you ever did find a way to start a business, you would have undervalued your product and would struggle to get people to pay the “real” price.

        5. Blueberry*

          You’re not being snobbish. Baking is an art, and you know what art materials you need. If someone asked you to recreate an oil painting with one of those cheap watercolor sets, you’d say “no, this isn’t adequate”. Same thing if she wants you to use margarine instead of high-quality butter, etc.

          1. Observer*

            Absolutely. You don’t ask someone to do something for you because they get better than average results and then expect them to get those results with *Different* materials, even if they are of the same quality. That goes multiple times over of lesser quality materials.

    6. LNLN*

      Your “customer” was rude and ridiculous and does not deserve to have you bake for them. No more baking for them. No second chances. Stay friends if you like them, but their complaint does not bode well for your relationship with them. Having a generous spirit is a quality I value in friends.

    7. Emily*

      Nah, you’re being entirely reasonable. That person is rude. Also, unless you acquired the ingredients in your “well stocked pantry” for free, you still deserve compensation for the things you used.

    8. Misty*

      Yeah they are being unreasonable. You are doing this person a favor by baking for them. If they don’t like the price, then they can bake it themselves.

    10. BRR*

      I’m also a baker and I’d either no longer bake for her or agree to the price ahead of time. In addition to ingredients there’s wear and tear in everything.

      It’s also ridiculous to say you could just bake from your pantry. Then what’s the point in paying for ingredients?

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, does she understand that this isn’t a magical pantry where ingredients just appear?

    11. Koala dreams*

      Yes, that’s right, you can no longer bake for them. If they think it’s cheaper to buy the ingredients and bake themselves, let them do it. It’s a win-win! You can bake your delicious cookies with your usual ingredients for yourself and those who like them, and they can bake their cheap cookies with their cheap ingredients.

      Yum, cookies!

    12. Jen Erik*

      If you told the ‘customer’ the price, that was their chance to politely withdraw. Even if you hadn’t – it’s still their responsibility to check, if money is an issue. It’s just so rude: I wouldn’t want to bake for them again, and tbh, it would seem so cheeky on their part to complain, and then ask you to do it again.

    13. Parenthetically*

      This isn’t a silly question. This customer is being comprehensively awful, and not only are you well within your rights to refuse to do business with them any longer, IMO it’s better just to cut her off now, before her demands get even more ridiculous and her tantrums even more over the top.

    14. Worked in IT forever*

      Even very basic baking ingredients (e.g., butter and vanilla) are not cheap. Never mind adding in stuff like certain spices, dried fruit, or nuts. (I make fruitcake at Christmas every year, and the ingredients cost a small fortune.)

      I don’t know what you’re making, but even something like a small, semi-fancy cake in a grocery store could take a big bite out of $20. And that won’t have all the natural ingredients and flavour that a homemade cake would.

      I’d fire your customer.

        1. Worked in IT forever*

          I know a lot of people don’t like fruitcake, but maybe because there are a bunch of dry, bad ones out there. It’s actually possible to make fruitcake that tastes good. I’ve used the same recipe (from a Canadian flour company) for years. The cakes turn out moist, not dry, with lots of cherries, candied pineapple, raisins, nuts, and other stuff.

          1. Blueberry*

            Amen. I usually tell people that the thing about fruitcake is that it doesn’t start with fruit, it starts with alcohol. (And then the next step is good dried fruit, not dyed plasticky things.) I’m from Jamaica, so I reverse-engineered my grandmother’s recipe. Bring on the rum!

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Yes there are a lot of really really bad fruitcakes in the US….just plastic-wrapped bricks. When my fiance’s mother offered me a slice of fruitcake, I took it only to be polite, and was delighted to bite into a buttery Amaretto laced treat. It’s still the only recipe I’ve enjoyed.

            1. allathian*

              English Christmas cakes are wonderful. They’re too much work for me to attempt, though. The tradition is to bake them on Stir-up Sunday (the last Sunday before Advent), and to moisten them with rum while they’re maturing, until you put on the sugar icing.

              1. Bagpuss*

                Not rum, brandy ;)
                And they get better and better with age. We once had one we kept for a year (confusion over who was going to bake it meant we wound out with 2) It was phenomenally good the following Christmas.
                Which reminds me, I still have a chunk of this year’s left…that’s lunch sorted!

    15. Not A Manager*

      “I’m at the point of telling my “customer” that I can no longer bake for them.”

      Is this even a serious concern? If she was “fuming” that you “overcharged” for a project where you provided free labor, then why on earth would she ever ask you to bake for her again? I’d just assume that she’s a very disgruntled customer who won’t be returning.

      It would be the height of chutzpah for her to ask you to bake for her another time. If she does, I wouldn’t even bother being indignant. I think the best response is just to say you can’t do it, with no explanation at all. She knows why. If you say anything about the previous dust-up, you invite her to give a half-assed apology and say that this time she’s okay with the cost, and then it’s harder to say no. I’d just say no upfront and leave it at that.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I’m always amazed at people like this, though, who throw a completely illogical fit (she knew about the price in advance! She’s getting amazing baked goods for the cost of ingredients! yarrrrrrgh) and then come back for more, like the scolding you gave them is gonna reeeeeally teach you a lesson and you won’t charge as much next time. r/choosingbeggars is FULL of these clowns.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        So let’s follow HER scenario. If she feels supplies were $10 then that means she paid $10 for your labor, electricity and incidental costs. She has just said this additional $10 is not worth it to her.

        If I could muster a straight face, I would want to ask her, “So you are saying that my added value of collecting the materials,gas costs, electricity costs, clean up and proper sanitation of all items, storage and later delivery of your cake is NOT worth $10 to you?”
        I’d just want to watch her tell me this to my face. Of course, it’s an opening for the next sentence, “Well, my baking service may not work out for some folks, and this is always a possibility. I think that we can agree probably you’d be happier looking else where for someone to do special baking for you.”

        What I am aiming for here is a variation of what my former good bosses used to tell their customers with bad behavior. “We don’t need your business. Please take your business elsewhere.” It was the first time I ever heard a business owner say that. I was awed.

    16. What the What*

      At the risk of treading into professional territory… I’m a tax accountant. I have multiple, specialized credentials and academic degrees, along with years of experience. Every year, people tell me I shouldn’t charge as much as I do because Turbo Tax is cheaper. At least once a month, someone complains to me about a bill, even though they have signed an actual contract with prices in it that outlines what they will be charged. It’s gotten the point where every single time my assistant books an appointment with me, she tells the person up front what the charge will be… AND THEY STILL COMPLAIN.

      For some reason, people think I’m sitting around, lonely and crying, waiting for strangers to call me for free tax advice. And they are offended when this turns out to be untrue.

      It’s the same situation here with you. For some reason, your customer thinks you have nothing better to do with your time than bake them a cake, and in fact, were just sitting there waiting for them to come and give your life purpose by doing you the favor of requesting said cake.

      I’m friends with a couple of attorneys who insist this mentality is waaaaaay more common when it’s a woman providing the service, but I’ve talked to men who bill for time and they are not immune either.

      Some people just totally devalue time. They don’t consider buying the groceries, taking the time to learn the recipe, taking the time to bake it, your years of experience, to have any value whatsoever, and it offends them when you try to bill them for it.

      I don’t have the perfect answer for how to tell these people, “That’s nice. You’re not my client anymore. Stop calling me.” But I do empathize.

    17. What the What*

      I actually realized I do have a suggestion for how to answer these clients. If your price is $20, and they complain.

      You say: “I’m sorry that you don’t think my price is fair. I based in on the fact that I spent X on ingredients, and Y time. I also think I have an excellent recipe. Why don’t you just go ahead and pay me what you do think is fair.”

      Now, at this point, a lot of customers will say, “Oh, actually, now that you mention it, $20 does seem reasonable.” They pay and move on. And you can be confident in the future that they now understand your price, so if they come back in the future, you shouldn’t have the same problem.

      But some customers will say, “I think $15 is fair. Here you go.”

      To which you can reply, “I’m sorry you didn’t see the value, but I’m glad we can move on.” You can also say nothing. The trick here, is that next time they ask for a cake, you must decline. And you get to say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t really afford to make the cake for the price you find fair, so I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.” or even just “I’m sorry, I’m too busy to take your cake order this time. I’d like to recommend X bakery.”

    18. Not My Money*

      Good butter is like $5-6 per pound and I can use up a pound in the frosting depending on the size of the cake. She’s being petty and does not deserve access to your baked goods.

    19. RagingADHD*

      Of cpurse you can no longer bake for them! They are being ridiculous.

      I wouldn’t bother making an announcement, though. If they’re fuming, that’s just going to turn into an argument, and who needs that agita right now?

      Just say no the next time they ask you. And if they ask why, tell them it’s because you don’t want them to feel like they were overcharged.

    20. Batgirl*

      There’s always one! One who hopes you’ll work a bit harder for approval and throw in a bag of freebies while doing so. I’d probably tell her that you admire her thrifty grocery shopping and ability to bake a cake in no time at all. So impressed that she can have the recipe for free (just give her a website address for a similar recipe if you don’t want to). You’re looking forward to being gifted with her version of the cake for only $10, at which point you will willingly doff your hat.
      Of course if you hear something like “Well I don’t bake..” or “Well I’m too busy” the obvious response is “So what price would tempt you to learn/free up your time?”

    21. Observer*

      Tell them you can’t bake for them. The main complaint is picky enough. But expecting you to give you FREE ingredients because you already bought the ingredients? Sorry, this is just beyond greedy and rude.

      And, for anyone else don’t say the equivalent of “This is the exact cost of the ingredients you would buy” but “This is what I need in order to do it.”

      They don’t like it? Think it’s too expensive? Don’t think it’s worth the time, effort and quality? No problem. They are not doing you a gracious favor by asking you to bake for them.

    22. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      This person is a straight up jerk. Tell them you will never again bake for such a cheapskate who thinks your time and expertise is worth nothing. And frankly, if they think it’s so worthless why would they even want you to do it? Cut them off and don’t feel bad about it at all.

    23. Ronda*

      I think you should double your price with the complainer fee…. each time she complains.

  49. WellRed*

    I know this has come up before. I need a recommendation on eyebrow products, preferably that I can get at drugstore and is easy to use. Brows are thinning quite a bit on the end. Also, Brows are light black (sort of) and I have reddish blond hair. It’s a covid improvement project. Along with upping my pizza game.

    1. Stephanie*

      Loreal makes a good brow product. It’s called Unbelievabrow. It’s easy to use, and you can go subtle or really bold with it. And it doesn’t run, even if you sweat. But it washes off with regular facial cleanser.

    2. cat socks*

      The brow pencil I like is L’Oreal Brow Stylist Definer. I have black hair and black brows and the dark brown shade works for me.

    3. Let Corbustier*

      I’ve been happy with my wet n’ wild brow pencil (cost maybe $4 max) to infill and clear CoverGirl gel afterwards to set the shape. It might be sold with the mascaras, but I use it for my brows.

    4. Worked in IT forever*

      It’s not a drugstore product, but you could try MAC. They have revamped their eyebrow gel yet again, and I haven’t tried the new version yet, because I’m still working through my stockpile of the previous version. The previous two versions were both great–not as cheap as a drugstore version, but they worked well (covered a bit of grey and gave more definition and colour). Also, a tube lasted a long time.

      I’m going to try the new version (which is supposed to add volume) when I run out of the older version. The gel comes in a bunch of colours–maybe the blond or reddish brown would work for you.

    5. Coffee Bean*

      For drugstore, I love the NYX brow pencil. For beauty-store, my holy grail is the Fenty brow pencil.

    6. Coco*

      ELF has a nice brow duo -lighter colored powder and darker colored pomade for $4 I think. And I am really liking colourpop’s brow boss gel for $7.

  50. Analyst Editor*

    Interesting! I’d always hoped for Mr. Collins to marry Mary Bennet; her characterization has always fallen a bit flat to me — though my hypothesis is, Jane Austen was portraying and satirizing a particular personality type that she must have known herself.

  51. Marzipan*

    The Marzipan Baby is now 6 weeks old and has officially broken his first law! (Should have registered his birth by today at the latest, bit they aren’t doing registrations currently). This amuses me greatly.

    He is no fan of being put down and over the last week has been experimenting with becoming massively overtired and then not being able to get to sleep. I take my hat off to those of you who have to go back to work round about now.

    He is completely obsessed with looking at the folding chair by his change mat, and generally rather lovely.

    1. Analyst Editor*

      Try holding him with his tummy on your hand, a “football hold” I think they call it. My kids slept that way for months.

    2. Analyst Editor*

      Follow-up: someone, usually me or a caregiver was also holding them for months non-stop…. so that only partially helps matters, lol

    4. Jules the First*

      Six weeks is a lovely age. Neither of my nephews slept anywhere during the day except face down on a reclining (awake) adult human. One of the infants I nannied at university used to sleep flawlessly when allowed to jam his face between my boobs and howled inconsolably if asked to fall asleep anywhere else (once he was asleep, he could be happily relocated just about anywhere, but he wanted to be mashed into my chest first…)

  52. CatCat*

    Anyone else here into fermenting?

    My main, ongoing ferment is water kefir. With the weather warming up, it’s been getting fizzy so that makes for a nice, probiotic soda.

    I’m trying honey fermented garlic now and thought I’d also get some fermented carrot sticks going this weekend.

    1. it happens*

      I want to make my own ginger beer. So I have a question- my recipe says to tie a tea towel over the jar I’m growing my starter in. I have these cool fermenting lids for my mason jars (not used for fermenting to date, just for storing leftovers.) The lids allow for CO2 to escape and keeps O2 from entering. Can the lids be used asa substitute for the tea towel? There’s no labor difference to me, just curious. Thanks

      1. All monkeys are French*

        You should be fine using your fermenting lids. They won’t allow air to get in, so if you were hoping to capture wild yeast and bacteria from your environment, that won’t really happen, but in most cases the microbes you’re culturing come from the ingredients in your starter. In this case, the ginger is likely supplying enough microbes to get things going.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been making my own yogurt and my own sauerkraut. Delicious and super-easy!

    3. All monkeys are French*

      Other than my sourdough starter, the only thing we have fermenting at the moment is a crock of miso. It’s been going for a few months now, so it’s probably time to try it!

    4. RagingADHD*

      Husband makes ginger beer and kombucha, I’ve returned to making yogurt, and started experimenting with sourdough.

      Discovered that the yogurt-low setting on the Instant Pot is perfect for fermenting & proofing dough as well.

    5. Blueberry*

      If I didn’t live with roommates I totally would be, but there’s pretty much nowhere I could put things to ferment and be undisturbed. Enjoy your water kefir! Try adding some rosehips!

    7. allathian*

      My husband makes mead every spring. The kiddie version is mild, just enough fermented to get the bubbles and less than 1 percent alcohol by volume. Fine for kids, unless you’re very strict about not serving any alcohol to kids including cough mixture. It’s also too sweet to drink more than a glass at a time. He also does an adult version that’s like homemade wine in strength.

  53. Sled dog mama*

    I’m getting a puppy! Ok, the family is getting a puppy but still.
    This has been a long tough decision for me and hubby. Our current dog will be 12 in August (expected lifespan for the breed is 12 years), and we had to put our almost 10 year old down in February due to cancer progression (so grateful we didn’t wait longer because of how bad it turned out it had gotten and because COVID restrictions would have made it so much harder to cope with).
    We’ve gone back and forth and finally decided to go for it.
    Puppies are 5w old and we won’t know which one until next week but I’m so excited to be getting this new pup! He is our current dog’s great nephew.
    Any advice from those who have experience with integrating a puppy with a senior (who thinks he’s a puppy and can still go for 4 mile runs) would be greatly appreciated.

    Also as a disclaimer for those who will ask why not a rescue. My husband and I decided that a rescue was not the appropriate choice for our family but we do support rescue with our time and financially. We also chose to get a pup from this breeder (11.5 years ago) due to her commitment to rescue in general, taking back any pup she bred at any time, and her commitment to being a partner/advisor for those who get puppies from her. We’ve seen her repeatedly put the dogs in her care first over the last decade going so far as organizing a cross country relay to get an elderly girl out of a kill shelter to her kennel so she could live out her life there because the breeder had a grandson of the girl’s that she adored. She is also very selective about breeding and breeds only 2 litters a year.

    1. Bluebell*

      Just coming here to congratulate you on your new pup. How exciting! We had an amazing relationship with our first dogs breeder. Met her two years before we took our pup home, and waited for that litter. She gave us dog health advice for years, and was one of the last people I talked (cried) to before we had to put him down at age 15. When we got our second dog, she had stopped breeding, but she referred us to breeder #2. Between dogs our family fostered for a rescue and I still process applications for them.

        1. Finny*

          Oh, my favourite breed! I grew up with several, and still have a tendency to call every one I meet a Nicki-doggie, after my first one, who was named Nicki.

  54. Mid*

    Where do people shop for used cars in the US?

    I live in a city so I don’t need one for my commute, but being in lockdown for so long made me realize that having a vehicle would be really nice for “adventuring.”

    Has anyone tried government auctions?

    1. Nacho*

      I used Craigslist when I was looking for one, but I hear car dealerships have pretty low prices right now.

    2. WellRed*

      Dealership. If you are still in lockdown, find out what you need to do to get it registered.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I got both of mine off Craigslist, but they were both cheap (under $5k) cars. You often pay less money if you buy from the car’s owner, because there isn’t a dealership needing to make a profit off the sale. You do need to do more leg work though, to be sure you aren’t getting ripped off and the car is in decent shape, though used car dealerships have a fairly bad rep too. This is probably what I would recommend, since you only need the thing for occasional trips. Find a friend who is good with cars to go with you.

      If you want to get a nicer used car, my dad recommends getting it from a place that also sells new cars of the same make. They have a reputation to uphold and mechanics who should know what they are doing. My dad always buys cars that are about a year old.

    4. old curmudgeon*

      I would start by asking folks you know if they can recommend a good local garage, the kind run by an individual rather than a national chain. Then contact the owner and ask if any of their customers are looking to sell a vehicle that they’d recommend as being well cared-for.

    5. juliebulie*

      I have relatives who used to buy cars at gov’t auctions, but they were also experienced auto mechanics. If you have those skills, it’s probably a great way to get a car. But otherwise, no… because there’s no warranty of any kind.

    6. Dan*

      If you’re new to car ownership and aren’t willing to take the risks of getting a lemon, go get one from a dealer. Most of them are going to be later models with lower mileage as dealers don’t sell “junkers”. On average, you’ll pay more at the dealer. (Not a rip off per se, it’s just that you won’t find anything “dirt cheap.”) Dirt cheap stuff will be high mileage/older model cars, which you can find on Craigslist. But they all come “as is” and the owner is selling it for a reason.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      I used my credit union. That was a stress-free experience, and I got a good price.

    8. HBJ*

      We have bought from a dealership and through Craigslist. We’ve also sold a vehicle through Craigslist.

    9. Red Sky*

      Craigslist for sale by owner, not dealer. Also only looked at vehicles where it was being sold by the first or second owner and seller had records for all service appts. They also had to agree to let us take it to a shop for presale lemon check at our cost. It’s worked out well for 3 cars so far, one of which had a driveshaft issue discovered and seller deducted the cost of the repair from sales price.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I ask the dealer for the oldest certified pre-owned car they have on the lot. Getting something that is about to be too old for them to certify has gotten me some really good prices.

  55. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Hello everyone! How are you doing? Which livestreams are you watching?
    I’m watching the Helsinki 2017 Figure Skating Championship. It’s so weird watching your favorites getting younger and younger… Also, the fangirls screeching in the chat never gets old, I love it.

  56. Oh Boy*

    I’m very into football and now that the German league is the first major league to come back, I’m diving headfirst into it this weekend. The games are behind closed doors, and when Dortmund scored I found myself getting really emotional because it was SO quiet. I’m heavily involved with my local lower-league team, both as a fan and as a member of the board, and I’ve been so worried about how we’ll get through this. For a while, I just wanted to see my team play, but this is a reminder that even if they do, I probably won’t be able to physically see it.

    In conclusion, I was not expecting to cry over a goal scored by a team I don’t care about, but random crying feels pretty standard these days.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I just watched this match and plan to watch all the matches this weekend! I’m hoping they eventually allow family members of the players to attend or do something to absorb the echo… but I can’t complain. Football is back!! I’ve missed this.

      I am very excited for the Premier League to potentially return next month. But I’m also so worried for the players because as much as they were careful to social distance pre-match and while celebrating goals, it was inevitable that they’d come in close contact with each other while playing.

  57. Misty*

    I just walked my dog and the neighbors next door are having a graduation party. More than 12 cars, no one is wearing masks or staying six feet away from each other. Ugh :/ Like I get graduation is a big deal but in my state you’re not supposed to have more than 5 people gathering at the moment and I saw at least 20 just outside while walking. Locking myself inside for the rest of the day just in case.

      1. Misty*

        The annoying thing is that it’s REALLY nice out here today so we were going to take chairs on the deck, but we live in a small space so their people are really close to our tiny deck… so now I’m stuck in the house with all the roommates… aye

    2. People at risk*

      Here’s the irony to your neighbor’s party. Even if they don’t get infected at the party, they still are employed until the pandemic causes them to be laid off. Stimulus money spent, savings gone and then eviction comes. They then have to elbow their way into the nearest homeless camp. Covid-19 then strikes, as the homeless are most at risk for getting it and then not getting healthcare.
      As more become homeless, the encampments get closer to their friends and family and the pandemic continues to spread until the homeless live nextdoor to their home.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Oooooooor we could all work together to mandate rent and mortgage forgiveness for the pandemic period so this doesn’t happen?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          And, you know, making sure that homeless people have somewhere to stay during the pandemic, as other countries have done.

          1. Misty*

            +1

            I heard some places are setting up deals with hotels because a lot of hotels are empty since lack of travelers.

    3. Not a cat*

      Lots of parties this past week and the one before in my SoCal neighborhood. It must be nice to just do whatever you want.

    4. D3*

      I feel ya. My neighbors have had pool parties the last few weeks in their backyard pool just feet from our yard. Has forced us back inside every time.

      1. Misty*

        That’s so annoying. Yeah, I don’t think I would have cared as much if it hadn’t felt like their party was literally touching the side of our place.

  58. CupcakeCounter*

    Another am I stupid post…
    I live in a state that is still under lock down but in a county that has low cases (clustered in a particular area on the west side and I am on the eastern border). My MIL is having a hard time being separated from us, especially my son her only grandchild whom she hasn’t seen since Christmas. She lives in a state that reopened and her county had less than 100 cases and only 2 deaths and they were over 80. On Tuesday I lost the thing we aren’t supposed to talk about so am thinking of going to stay with her for a couple weeks with my son. We have our own cottage right down the lane from her for sleeping and would spend the bulk of our time outside. We are low risk (under 40, no preexisting health issues, barely left the house over the last 2 months) and would not stop on the way down since it is only 2 hours. I can have groceries delivered to the cottage so once I get there I won’t have to leave.

    Is it stupid to go? My son is having issues due to lack of social interaction, which should resolve itself a bit since I’m not doing the thing we can’t talk about here, and I am getting calls/texts from my MIL’s friends telling me she is really sad and not to forget about her. We are calling her twice a day plus texts so not exactly slacking in that department. She isn’t a drama queen or complainer so if her friends are that worried there is an issue.

    What do you think? If we went there we would most likely stay until our state reopens or have to return because I got a new you-know-what (at which point my son would stay with my MIL since there is no child care until at least July here).

    1. WellRed*

      I’m going to be in the minority here, but I think you should go. You can take all the precautions you mentioned. Isolated people traveling in a car to stay with an isolated family member doesn’t feel any riskier to me than many of the things that are allowed. Please note, a few weeks ago, I would have said don’t go.

    2. Laura H.*

      Whatever you decide to do, take necessary precautions.

      I don’t think it’s completely stupid to go- IF you’ve accounted for factors as you have. But things can change quickly and it’s definitely worth pondering yourself.

      You’re the only one who can make this decision. But I think you’re doing yourself right by taking these things into consideration. I have no standing whether or not it’s wise to go- I don’t know your life.

      But as a side note, consider travel time, routes, and the regulations of where you stop en route. (Presumably if one takes a route enough, there’s places you know you’ll take pit stops and the like.)

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Go. There are other things that are important in this life besides avoiding Covid-19. The risk is low and the benefit is high.

      And this is a great time of year to spend a bunch of time outside. Spending a couple months playing at Grandma’s sounds like a special fun time for everyone, instead of your current low grade misery.

    4. BRR*

      I think if you’re going to do it maybe build in a little quarantine period once you get there. Do you know what your MIL’s behavior has been like?

    5. Enough*

      Yes, go. Husband and I drove to Texas to move daughter home. That was 5 states, 3 hotels, 6 days, 1 fast food could actually enter, as well as assorted gas station/convenience stores. We stopped at son’s going and coming. Been over 2 weeks and everyone if fine. And none of the state’s required masks and I saw maybe a dozen people wearing them.

    6. Llellayena*

      Go. You’re in a low risk area, you’re not visiting and then going home again, and you’re being sensible about the precautions to get and stay there. Essentially you’re just widening the number of people you’re quarantining with. You’d have the same risks if MIL had a health crisis and needed to move in with you.

    7. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I would go if I was in your situation.

      I travelled early on in this to pick up my kid from college and found it to be pretty easy to travel safe (wipes or gloves for gas pumps, washing hands in rest areas and using wipes/paper towels/handicap door openers for doors)

    10. RagingADHD*

      Given those circumstances, I’d go. The most at-risk person is Grandma herself, and you are unlikely to be carriers given your recent lifestyle.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Go.
      If the leaders expect people to quarantine when they first arrive in the area then be sure to do so. In low population areas people who don’t follow the rules stand out like sore thumbs. But the sooner you get there and start that quarantine period then the sooner it’s over and you can go outside to see your MIL.

    12. Anono-me*

      I think you make a strong sensible argument for going.

      But before you go: I would have a very specific conversation with your mother-in-law about things like mask-wearing social distancing, letting people inside the bubble, how shopping is done etcetera. (For example, Will mask-wearing be when leaving the house, when leaving the yard, only put on when within 7 to 10 feet of people, or only put on when within less than 6 feet of people? Will the mask be worn over the the mouth or over the nose and mouth ?) Because both of you could agree that precautions when necessary are good thing to do, but have very different definitions of when it is necessary. ( I think it will be easier to find common ground before you leave then after you’re already there.)

      If you do go, I think both households doing a quarantine sounds like a sensible idea.

      One more point to consider: do you need to find a j_b in your hometown or would it be worth looking in mil’s hometown?

    13. ..Kat..*

      MIL is high risk because of her age. Please quarantine yourself and son for 14 days and then go.

    14. Tea and Sympathy*

      I’ve been so careful that I’m verging on paranoia, and I think you should go. The benefits outweigh the (low) risks. And since this is going to be with us for awhile, I think we have to start carefully weighing risk/benefit, instead of deciding that everything is too big of a risk.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The only thing I will add is to see if your family and your mother-in-law can all get tested first. There’s such a high rate of asymptomatic cases that this is safer for you all. And then yes by all means expand your family unit and be happy about it!

    16. kz*

      I think that I would go, as long as shes also been pretty much self isolating as well. Then you all can sort of constitute yourselves as a “household” for the remainder of the time you need/choose to be locked down.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      My doctor looked at them in person and says they are something called “healing ridges” and a normal part of healing. I am not convinced; they still feel exactly like blisters to me.

      I am now doing hand therapy from home via video chat with the hand therapist, which is very interesting. Yesterday she made me pick up beans one by one with only the injured finger and my thumb, and then she made me pick them out of a bowl of rice (very hard). Here’s a photo of the home PT station she had me set up for our sessions:
      https://twitter.com/AskAManager/status/1261371461085757440

      1. Mimmy*

        Nice setup! Hope the OT is going well.

        By the way, this keyboarding instructor is pleased to hear that you’re back to typing with both hands and able to easily adapt to not using your index finger! (assuming you are a touch-typist hehe) :) :)

      2. Kuododi*

        Ooh!!! So glad to hear that the PT is working out well. I’m currently doing PT via my program telehealth option. I recognized the hand exercises right away. I’ve been working on hand strength and improving overall fine motor control. (In my case it was a result of a wretched case of carpal tunnel in both hands. Best wishes as you recover.

      3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I’m so happy to read that!
        I’m afraid I’d need to do physio again if my knee keeps hurting so much, apparently it never healed properly :'(

      4. Wishing You Well*

        Ohhhh.. Your finger saga makes me cringe so hard! I’m so hoping you see progress soon!

  60. nep*

    I saw an ad for a house for rent on craigslist. The rent is WAY below what it could be for the neighbourhood. I emailed the contact; they claim they got a job in another state and they’re renting out the house not to make money but just to have someone there so it will be lived in and taken care of.
    This all has me thinking, how do people even begin to check whether a listing for a flat or house for rent is legit? What would be the very first step? Finding out name of homeowner and trace things that way? If so, how?
    Thanks

    1. wingmaster*

      First red flag for me would be the price. If it’s a low price, then something’s already fishy for me.
      Also, does the listing have photos? Or a location? If there are none, also another red flag for me.
      If there happens to be an address listed, I’d search it on different sites like Zillow and see if the pricing is different or not.

      1. Cat*

        Yeah there are below market rentals but they usually get passed around. When someone moves out, one of their friends snaps them up. I wouldn’t trust one on Craigslist.

      2. nep*

        I walked over to the place yesterday morning. Looks great from the outside. The pics in the craigslist ad are same as what I see on realtor, zillow, etc…But I don’t know how heavily to weigh that.
        I don’t think I’m going to pursue it, just because of the many complications right now…and the fishiness. But it did get me wondering how people go about checking out whether something like this legit.
        Thank you

    2. fposte*

      There is a really common rental scam that this sounds like it could be the beginning of.

      The FTC has a good page on rental scams and what to look for and what to do–basically, don’t wire money, don’t commit to a place you haven’t seen the inside of, don’t give money before anything’s signed.

      1. Anonnington*

        You can also Google stuff from the ad – the pictures (if provided), text from the ad, anything that stands out. Some scammers run the same ad in multiple cities, all over the place.

        2. Sled dog mama*

          And some scammers will steal everything from a legit add and just change the contact info. I found one like this a few years ago. It was for the house I was living in and was 2 months into an 18 month lease. I called the rental agent in that one and she told me it was very common in our area (big university town) because housing is hard to find and most grad students are looking remotely it is a very target rich environment.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I was just thinking this. And some friends just narrowly escaped this scam also. It had all the elements you say here- nice looking from the street, unbelievable price, owner had some reason why they were not interested in getting a lot of money.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think one good thing to do would be to check to see who owns the property. Here in NY some counties put the property maps right on line on the county website. Perhaps you can check to see if the county has a tax map and if yes, look at the map to see who owns it. Perhaps you can find a way to contact the owner directly rather than use the phone number given in the ad.

    3. Stephanie*

      I just go by intuition? Which I know isn’t the most helpful suggestion. Way below market is a red flag, unless the room or apartment is super small, not renovated, doesn’t have a real kitchen, etc. Are there pictures? Is there contact info?

    4. CTT*

      Seconding what Wingmaster says. I will say that I can get the owner’s position if they legitimately are having to move quickly (trying to sell probably seems impossible now and they want someone in there so it’s not functionally abandoned), but my concern would be that once they get settled and/or things calm down, they’ll want to sell it or find someone who would pay market rent. I wouldn’t consider it a long-term place to live.

      1. nep*

        The person says they are not requiring a one-year lease. Again, this could all be a scam so I don’t know how to weigh anything. They have not talked about any money being wired or anything like that. And I’ve not pursued it any further. (They said the first step would be me filling out a rental application.)

        1. Mimosa Jones*

          Isn’t the first step usually seeing the place in person? An application would be giving someone all sorts of personal information.

          1. Stephanie*

            This. I’ve always filled an application after seeing a place and meeting the owner or property manager. Before seems odd since you’re usually giving up info like your SSN, income, current address, etc. Plus, you have to pay a nonrefundable application fee in most instances.

            1. Misty*

              I agree. Unless it’s a legitimate apartment complex with a waiting list, I would absolutely NOT fill out an application or give personal information to an ad I saw on CL without seeing the place and meeting the owner first. I know some apartment complexes in my area make you fill out applications first because they have a lot of interested people (there is a bit of a housing shortage here) but the complexes are very clearly legit.

    5. Anonnington*

      Yes! Get the name of the owner and verify that they own the property. I believe property deeds are public record. It might be Google-able or possible to verify with some digging.

      If they seem reluctant or unavailable to meet in person, it’s probably a scam. I would cease contact if they’re not acting completely normal about meeting face to face or if anything seems off.

      A lot of scammers copy and paste pre-written responses without even reading your email. Try saying something that wouldn’t be noticed by someone bulk-replying but would provoke a response from a normal person.

      Definitely meet them in person and ask for some kind of proof of identity such as their drivers license plus the property deed, utility bills, tax records – something that proves they are who they say they are. And ask for it spontaneously. That way, they don’t have time to fabricate something. You could also ask for a reference from a previous tenant.

      Hope that helps!

      1. nep*

        Very good points and tips. Thanks. Were I to pursue it, I would definitely insist on some kind of direct contact–there’s a safe way to do that.
        Thank you

    6. WellRed*

      Many cities list property owners on their website. In my city, it’s helpfully called property lookup. You do need the address.

        1. nep*

          Interesting–when I look up owner on the city’s website, the name that comes up is different from the person who’s contact is in the ad. But the family name on the record/owner is affiliated with the person linked to the ad. Looks like there’s some kind of family link. Not sure how much that means, but there is some kind of link.
          Thanks

          1. nep*

            WHOSE contact is in the ad. Oh, bad, bad error!
            (When I look up the craigslist person’s name on LinkedIn, one of the people endorsing them is the name of the property owner in public records…)

            1. RagingADHD*

              More ID and credit fraud is committed by family & friends than by online strangers.

    7. MoopySwarpet*

      Most counties have their property tax listings online. It’s usually through the county assessors office and there should be a link for a property search.

      Other than that, I’d definitely not rent from any owner I didn’t get to meet in person. A property management company would be different, but they don’t list below market rate.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. Absolutely agree–I can’t imagine pursuing something in a situation where I’m not seeing someone in person, even in our cars in a parking lot…

    8. Eng*

      This sounds like a classic scam. There’s no reason to charge way way below market rate to fill a unit with a good tenant. Exchanging multiple emails, unless they are about logistics for setting up a viewing or other necessary logistics, just sounds like building rapport so you will think they are legit and will agree when they ask for something outrageous like “wire me money and I’ll overnight you the keys”. Scam scam scam, walk away. If it seems to good to be true, it’s not true.

      2. Kate*

        I wouldn’t say there is NO reason… we rented our house out two years ago when we moved abroad on three weeks notice. It was the middle of winter in Canada and we needed someone in there fast — I could float below market rent but not months of waiting for someone to move in.

        That said, it’s rare. You’d really need to know the local market (our situation happens relatively frequently in our town due to the particularities of the local employers but it’s definitely rare across the country)

        1. Venus*

          I had something similar years ago. I knew I would be away, and could afford to keep it empty, but if I could get anyone to pay something to stay in a furnished apartment then why not? I knew someone who did rentals professionally so she knew how to advertise legitimately, and was very careful to research a renter. I gave her a pretty high percentage of the rent (typical is 10% here) to balance her extra effort.

    9. Aphrodite*

      Oh boy, this is so common in my area: Santa Barbara, CA. There is a very high cost of housing here. The average rental cost for a room in a home around $1100, for a studio around $1300-$1500, for a one-bedroom from $1800-$2800, and up. So it’s very easy to tell the scam ones just from the pricing; no one-bedroom is going for $1200.

      But that’s not the only telltale sign. Others include the exact address so you can drive by, misspellings, location in relation to things that are widely far apart (“walking distance to beach and the Mission”), gmail rather than CL mail, owner out of country, fill out online application ahead of time, and (oddly) “EV charging.”

      It’s to the point where the CL “housing offered” section is about 40%-60% scams to real ads. That’s not to say every scam ad has or more of these so sometimes I email. But their replies are always a giveaway.

      If they have stolen pictures you can download one of the outside and run it by Google Images; you’ll often find a realtor’s site where the home is actually for sale, not rent.

      If I write about an ad, I give a little information about myself and ask for an appointment to see the rental. If you get anything other than a “we’ll be glad to set an appointment” or “we are showing the unit on [day] from xx to xxx” it’s most likely a scam. J

    10. Dan*

      Sort of replying to this thread in general…

      Stephanie’s right about intuition. I’ve been living in my place for ten years, but when I moved in, I was coming from out of state (just got done with grad school and relocating for a job.) I found this place online somehow, and the rent was a tad below average, and they wanted an application and deposit upfront. I forget exactly what the deposit was for — I remember it being $200 but it gave me “first dibs” for two weeks. I had lived in the area before as an undergrad, so I more or less knew what I was getting into, even if I wasn’t familiar with the property itself. The property was managed by a small regional property management company.

      I showed up, took the tour, and then just point blank asked the property manager: “Your place is under market, what’s wrong with it?” She said that there’s a lot less demand in the middle of winter (I moved in January) and the company has seasonal adjustments on prices to get them to fill. She also said that if I didn’t want the place, there was a returning tenant who did want it.

      I’ve been here 10 years… and I’ve had the apartment longer than the job I initially moved here for. I’ll be here until I have a house down payment saved up.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          There are also non-scam reasons you might not want a place even cheap… friends moved from their long-term rental with a great price the year after a drug dealer moved in one floor below. Another set of friends moved after an ongoing rat problem (and an unresponsive landlord). And one of their friends on Facebook said “I’d still rather have had rats then bed bugs.”

    11. Katefish*

      Many people mentioned possible scams and how to look up the owner. My first thought was it’s in foreclosure, but not at the eviction stage yet. The majority of homeowners in the foreclosure process rent out all or part of the house, and some scammers specialize in this also. With evictions on hold nationwide it’s a good time for some quick cash. I’d check property records or at least Google/Zillow for foreclosure.

    12. Anono-me*

      If the home is in a community type neighborhood and not a strangers living near each other type of neighborhood; You might also find it helpful to talk to some of the neighbors.

  61. Fikly*

    Glasses question!

    My eyes, the lovely buggers that they are, never did that thing where the prescription stablizes with adulthood. I also started needing bifocals at 28, just for extra fun.

    It’s been 15ish months since my last prescription, and hey, right on schedule, I’m having trouble seeing 18 inches in front of me. Ideally, I would get my eyes checked and get new lenses. My eyes are super complicated, and it’s not something that can be guesstimated.

    On the other hand, I’m super high risk, in the nyc metro area, and I kind of doubt optomitrists are allowed to be open right now. Does anyone know of any kind of stop gap solution? My glasses are progressives, so I don’t know if there’s anything to add on top of them to help, and I don’t even know which direction to go in (stronger or weaker) because my eyes will go both ways unpredictably.

    1. Ranon*

      I had a friend who had their eye exam virtually recently, you could at least reach out to your optometrist and see if they have ideas.

    2. Fulana del Tal*

      A lot of eye doctors and optometrists are seeing patients virtually and are allowed to see patients with added precautions/screenings. I’m in the NYC area.

      1. Fikly*

        Oh, that’s good to know! I guess I had thought getting a new prescription was falling more in the getting a haircut category, rather than something like an eye infection. I shall call places on Monday.

    4. LGC*

      Hi! I’m also in the NYC metro and have terrible vision that constantly gets worse (although not quite as drastically as yours has).

      You should be able to see an optometrist – doctors are allowed to be open right now. You might not be able to see your regular one, though. And I think that more “elective” things are deferred, although it sounds like your situation might be urgent enough where you do need to get this fixed soon.

      1. Fikly*

        Thanks, that’s helpful info!

        I may have accidentally overstated – I can see decently far away, and I can see decently right in front of me. It’s the 18 inches away that I can’t see, which is a problem because that’s the distance for my screen and I work entirely from a computer, of course.

        Calling around is on my list for Monday, but I am feeling more hopeful.

        1. allathian*

          I have the same problem, although not as serious as yours. I’m on my second pair of bifocals and I got my first when I was 42. I got my first glasses for nearsightedness when I was 11. My sight stabilized when I was about 20, but around 30 or so my astigmatism began to get progressively worse, so I needed new glasses for that.
          Last fall, I got my first customized glasses for computer work, where the focal zone is about 8 to 24 inches, with a small strip at the top for longer distances (so I can see who’s standing at my office door). It’s been a lifesaver. If you can still see well enough to use your current glasses for everything else, the computer glasses would help you for work. I’m just so glad I don’t get headaches from squinting at the screen anymore. I’m even luckier in that my employer’s insurance paid for my glasses because I need them for work.

          1. Fikly*

            I have progressives, and they work great (when the prescription is accurate) for all the distances I need. I don’t know if you’ve tried them, but some people just can’t adjust to them for whatever reason. Thankfully they were no problem for me. If I were doing split lenses, I’d need trifocals.

            I could potentially get a pair of single vision lenses for just the computer distance, but I would still need to know what prescription I would need, and I still need the progressives for things closer than the computer and far away, so it would actually be more expensive – I absolutely have to have high quality prescription sunglasses because my migraines are light triggered, so I drop a truly scary amount of money on glasses each year.

            Also, joy of joy, if the prescriptions in the regular glasses and the sunglasses are not identical, I can’t switch between them. Can you glare at your own eyes?

  62. Thankful for AAM*

    For medical folks out there, I’m considering buying scrubs type clothing to wear when I have to go out for groceries and to work in a public facing job (library).

    Can you recommend where to buy them and what features to look out for?

    I have never worn scrubs but I think they might handle frequent washing better than other clothes. I plan to take them off in the garage and wash them after every wear.

    Thoughts?

    1. My 2 cents*

      No recommendation, but when one of my cats had ringworm, there was a LOT of repeated laundry with bleach, and they were so easy to strip off and clean and dry.

    2. Lost in the Woods*

      Reasonably priced brands that are popular with my co-workers are Grey’s Anatomy and Cherokee. I recommend trying for at least some cotton content, it makes them more breathable. Features are very person-to-person; I personally like a zip pocket, but I carry around individual eye drop packets which isn’t a concern for most people.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      You’d probably do just as well for your purposes getting coveralls from Dickies. They’re work clothes, meant to last forever and take a lot of washing.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Do you mean a kind of onsie?
        I would not feel comfortable at all dessed like that and would worry about taking the top half down to use the bathroom.

        1. Fulana del Tal*

          Dickies also makes scrubs. As to features. If you want pockets make sure you look for cargo pants. Some shirts are boxy, some can be fitted depends on preference. Pants can be drawstring, pull-on or a combination of both again depends on preference.
          You can get scrubs from Walmart also all heart.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Dickie’s also makes tops/bottoms for restaurant, construction, etc. They have “office-y” clothes too–think manager at a construction site or a chain restaurant.

    5. roki*

      I’d recommend getting another type of durable clothing rather than scrubs if the purpose is for being out in the community.

      Wearing scrubs might make other people at the grocery store or wherever you are uncomfortable. They might worry you’ve just finished a shift working in health care and the scrubs you’re wearing while buying your groceries are contaminated from being in a hospital all day.
      Or they might worry you’re on your way to work in a hospital and could be bring something from the community into the hospital where there are vulnerable patients.

      The hospital I work at has gotten complaints from people who’ve seen people shopping in scrubs (although they don’t know if they are our employees or work at a community clinic or even a vet clinic, etc.)

      1. RagingADHD*

        Trying to control what other people might imagine is beyond the scope of normal social responsibility.

        OP is not presenting a real risk, and other grownups can manage their own worries themselves.

        1. Cat*

          Well, no. You actually shouldn’t make other people anxious for no reason. And scrubs aren’t appropriate in non-medical customer facing jobs anyway.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Oh, that’s right. We’re supposed to make clothing choices based on how they make other people feel, not on our own comfort and convenience.

            Sorry, I got confused and thought we were living in the 21st century, when people have autonomy over their bodies and clothes.

            OP isn’t talking about brandishing a weapon, but wearing practical garments that are used in many, many, many contexts outside the covid ward of hospitals.

        2. another scientist*

          It becomes the OP’s problem when other people get very scared and start harassing the OP for wearing what they wear. It’s just something to consider.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        I mean, if it makes people back away, I’m not unhappy about that. I’m also not going for the look of scrubs, like in medical blue or green so I don’t think it will be obvious. I’m also attracted to the pockets which would let me carry my cell phone and a pen.

        I hate jeans, really hate them, and we are not allowed to wear them anyway. I want a “uniform” so I dont have to think about what to wear.

        I hope no one complains to a local medical Center but I really cannot control that.

        1. Lyra*

          I’ve heard a few stories from nurses about being harassed for wearing them in grocery stores, etc. Even one who was physically struck. Just something to be aware of.

      3. AnonoDoc*

        Which is funny, because every hospital I have ever worked for has prohibited wearing scrubs outside the hospital.

    6. another scientist*

      I always assumed NOT that scrubs stand up particularly well to intense washing, but that they are very cheap (simple design) and can be replaced easily.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Scrubs are very comfortable. The brands I buy are very durable. I wear my old scrub pants the way some women wear yoga pants – running errands, around the house, working out. The cargo ones have lots of pockets.

    7. Anono-me*

      In my experience, Cherokee is something that hold up well for the price.

      However, you might need a plan b.

      I’m seeing things in the media that some medical centers are having a shortage of Scrubs. So that’s something to consider.

      I also suspect you might get some pushback from library Administration; both because of the public perception of Scrubs as possibly carrying disease and the fact that scrubs are way too comfy to be considered professional attire outside of medical centers.

      Carharts makes work clothes ( pants, shirts, jackets, skirts, overalls) that are fabulous for holding up under all sorts of conditions. They usually have really good pockets and depending on which cut you get, they can look tailored and professional. If your silhouette is one that does well in male cut clothing Dickies might also be an option. ( Dickies might also have female cut clothing, but I haven’t seen it in my stores.)

  63. Usually Late to the Party*

    Were the ads on the site this week particularly bad for anybody else? Multiple times I had to refresh the page because the ads were blocking the article I was reading and there was no way to close them.

    Alison, if you ever start a Patreon to go ad free I’d sign up instantly and give $10/month. I love this site so much but the ads drive me crazy.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Added a new ad type on Thursday that didn’t behave as expected (it was covering text, couldn’t be closed, etc.) and removed it by the end of the day. It was up for about five hours total. Hopefully that was the issue you’re describing and it wasn’t all week!

      2. Usually Late to the Party*

        just remembered it happening several times…this week was a bit of a blur, so it could have all been on Thursday! Glad to hear it’s fixed.

    2. Retinal Scan*

      Yes, it’s been been even worse than usual. And that’s saying something! I eventually just turned AdBlocker back on – was trying to not have it on for here but honestly the ads are just too bad. It’s such a shame that such a good site has such a bad ad experience for users. It’s the worst of any site I willingly use by a considerable margin, which baffles me. There are so many sites that do ads well these days! I so wish this was one of them.

  64. Stephanie*

    Computer recommendations? I’ve had my current laptop about three years. It’s been great, but it’s never quite been the same since I got in a car accident last fall (both the other driver and I were fine, but my car was declared a total loss). Am enrolled in school part time, so I figured I would take advantage of the student discount while I have it.

    I currently have a Lenovo Yoga 910 (I think) and like it. I use the tablet feature sometimes — it’s nice, but not sure if I would miss it. Looking for something that is portable (I have to carry it to class regularly), has a long battery life, and is durable. I mostly use my laptop for Office-based schoolwork and general internet usage. Travel with it sometimes, but only if I have to. Mostly a PC person, but not opposed to a Mac. Also curious on people’s thoughts on Surface laptops.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      I really like my Lenovo yoga for all the reasons you mentioned. It is easy to carry and for the price, is all I need.

      1. LAMM*

        I love my Lenovo Yoga (740 I think?). The only thing I would change is what side the power cord gets plugged in on, but that’s only cuz the outlet I use is to my right. Battery life isn’t the greatest, but I haven’t had that be an issue yet.

    2. old curmudgeon*

      I have an Asus laptop (a year old at this point) that I like in most respects. It boots up quickly, handles updates like a champ (spouse’s computer takes hours to digest software updates) and has a nearly full-sized keyboard, which I need for my large hands.

      My biggest quibble with it is something that would likely not bother most people, but for anyone who would use the machine for a finance-related field, would likely be a deal-breaker. I wanted a laptop that has a ten-key layout to the right of the alpha-numeric keyboard, and the Asus has that. However, the designers evidently felt that it would be a good idea to put the “Enter” key in the spot where all other keyboards put the decimal key, and to stick the decimal key way up above the 9 key. I did not look closely enough at the actual layout before buying it, and have wound up having to get a wireless ten-key to add to it because the one provided is just flat-out impossible to use.

      The other quibble I have appears to be just the way they make laptops these days – there is only one USB port on the whole computer. In order to use a wireless mouse, wireless ten-key and skype head-set, I had to get one of those extension-cord things, the kind that turns a single USB port into four ports – but because all that data is going through a single port into the laptop, it hinders the performance. That appears to be the way they make laptops nowadays, but it’s annoying as all get out.

      1. Stephanie*

        My right Shift key on this laptop is very small and it drives me nuts. I’ve gotten used to it. I see on later versions of this laptop, they’ve fixed it…

        So I get where you’re coming from! Yeah, I think it’s pretty common on consumer laptops nowadays. I only have one USB port as well. I have a USB-C port which requires a dongle for most things. My work laptop (a Dell enterprise laptop) has multiple USB ports, interestingly enough.

    3. Dan*

      In terms of hardware specs, unless you’re a “power user”, any computer is likely going to be fine. (Power users = gamers or software developers and the like). For the average run of the mill “I just use Office, check email, and surf the web” anything will be fine.

      Your time is best spent looking at cosmetic things that matter… keyboard layouts can be a bit different as noted above, the number of ports can change, etc. Then there’s the whole touch screen vs not.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Would highly recommend a refurbished MacBook Air. The refurbs on the Apple website are cheaper, but they’re basically as good as new.

    5. IntoTheSarchasm*

      i have a Yoga too, it is an 11e, part of the EDU series and is slightly ruggedized to stand up to transport and rougher handling. I think I got it around 4 years ago and it is still working well. I have been impressed by it.

    6. Fikly*

      Are you wedded to Office, or can you get by with the Android equivalents?

      Everything else you’re describing would be covered by a Chromebook. I have one by Lenovo – I got it last year on a Black Friday deal because my last one was kind enough to signal its imminent death the week before – and I love it. It’s a 500e.

    7. Tortally HareBrained*

      I had one of the early Surface tablets with attachable keyboard- loved it until it became obsolete probably 3.5 years after buying it. Software and apps just aren’t supported anymore making it cumbersome to use. The new laptops may have a bit of a longer life. But it was the perfect weight, did exactly what I needed, and I got it for grad school. Since I had the tablet I didn’t get it to completely replace a laptop but it almost did anyway because it was so functional.

    8. TL -*

      I love my Surface; it’s great. I’ve had it three years (well, actually, the latch stopped working and I got it replaced for free at the Windows store. Also got my power cord replaced for free when it broke the second time.)

      I don’t use the tablet feature unless I’m sick in bed watching movies, but I use the touchscreen all the time. It’s my favorite laptop out of all the ones I’ve had (nice Dell, low-range Dell, nice small Dell, HP mini laptop, and Macs.)

  65. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    How often is it common for your landlord to need access to your apartment? They’ve been in here four times in the last month, always during the day while I was at work. They’ve given proper notice each time, and it’s a property management company not an individual. It’s never to fix anything, always for an appraiser or inspector or something.

    Is this weird?

    1. Stephanie*

      I had a landlord do this. He was showing the building to a management company for it to take over. I’m guessing it’s something like that or he’s planning on selling the place.

      2. Natalie*

        Or refinancing the mortgage. There are also annual inspections for various things (insurance, fire code, etc), and sometimes they clump together.

    2. Dan*

      The others are likely right. I’ve been in my place for 10 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever had that happen.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      It’s not normal at all, but it may be legal if they give you 24 hours’ notice.

    1. fposte*

      She got a sane job. Not good for stories, but good for her. She posted for a while with her name as “I Worked at the Hellmouth” and then I think she may have changed it.

  67. fposte*

    Some of you doubtless know about this already. But this week’s cool thing learned for me was that at the 1998 Grammys, Luciana Pavarotti was scheduled to sing “Nessun dorma,” the tenor Puccini aria that has become his trademark. And he had a throat thing and canceled. Aretha Franklin was there and had performed a version of the aria the previous week; Luciano and Aretha were friendly (because everybody famous are all friends) and he suggested she could sing it.

    And this all–the cancellation, the substitution–was *after the show had started.* So Aretha Franklin walked into a setup and arrangement for Luciano Pavarotti with literally minutes’ notice and effing *killed* it, with a rendition that made me think if opera were always like this I’d go all the time. Look for the video on YouTube–it’s amazing.

    3. Occasional Baker*

      Fposte- thank you. I enjoyed that greatly.
      The internet brings access to the most wonderful things!

    7. Nessun*

      What a wonderful gesture on her part! I’ve never heard it sung anything like that before.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Wow. Chills indeed.

      That is what it means to make something your own. If she’d tried to imitate an operatic style it would have been awful.

      She just owned it!

    9. Cruciatus*

      Relatedly, I just saw that my local PBS station is airing an hour and a half special on Aretha Franklin’s best TV performances from her career. Unfortunately it looks like it’s about over (at 8:30EST), but maybe other PBS stations haven’t aired it yet. Here, it looks like it’s repeated twice in the next 2 weeks.

    10. Tea and Sympathy*

      I love her! Another favorite performance is the one at the Kennedy Center honoring Carole King. Both her performance and Carole King’s reaction are great – I don’t think anyone expected that she could sing like that anymore, and it was so moving. And her Chain of Fools performance with Smokey Robinson, Rod Stewart and Elton John as backup singers always makes me smile.

  68. Red Sunglasses*

    Something is up with the way my body is reacting to protein powder and I can’t figure it out

    If I go to a smoothie place (Jamba juice or smaller NY chains), I order a smoothie with whey protein as my breakfast. I have only that, no other food, and feel full and fine until regular lunch time.
    When I make smoothies at home, I use fruit, greek yogurt and Nectar brand protein because I like it’s non-dairy taste. Within about 20 minutes, my muscles start to feel weak and I’m hungry. I had one today and I actually felt kind of drunk almost an hour or two later.

    I only have a smoothie once every few weeks. There’s no allergic reaction, I eat plenty through the day, and I don’t have any medical issues like low blood pressure, etc. I don’t have a PCP and internet search hasn’t produced anything. Has this happened to anyone?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m not sure what’s going on, but the obvious answer is to stop the thing you know is causing a problem. Clearly, something about the protein powder isn’t agreeing with you. Stop eating it.

      And I hate to say it – but if you don’t have a PCP, how do you know you don’t have a medical issue? You don’t have any that you’re aware of. Sure, you might be fine, but you can’t be positive.

    2. WellRed*

      No big mystery. Something in your smoothie isn’t agreeing with you. Try swapping out the powder (I’m assuming they have additives and one of those is the problem).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Swap out the protein powder and see how that goes. I was looking at the list of things in Nectar and it’s quite a list. See how that goes.

        I’d also try putting in veggies instead of fruit. But change one thing at a time so you can see what is going on.

    3. Fikly*

      Well, the first issue is that you’re placing all protein powders in the same category, and thinking it’s weird that your body is reacting one way to one, and another way to another, when they are completely different proteins to begin with.

      Also agree with I’m a Little Teapot – how do you know you don’t have any medical issues?

    4. RagingADHD*

      Nectar brand is also whey? I wasn’t sure from your wording if it tastes non dairy or is actually non dairy. If so, are you sure you’re using the same quantities & proportions?

      Your experience at home kind of sounds like a sugar spike & crash. The shops may be putting in a lot more protein relative to the fruit.

      Or you could have an intolerance for one of the sweeteners or flavorings.

  69. Jedi Squirrel*

    Did a Costco run for myself and my parents and on the way home, there was a little boy standing on the sidewalk, just waving at all the cars going by.

    I don’t know if he was just lonely or just wanted to brighten everybody’s day. I can say it sure brightened mine.

  70. Hazelnut Bunny*

    Maternity leave ends on Monday. The thought is dreadful. This is the last baby so it is bittersweet. This is the longest I’ve taken but 3 months is not long enough. I am lucky to have a job but it is essential that will now come with longer hours.

    I love my children but I’m ready for them to go to childcare. All of us cooped up has driven us all nuts. Maternity leave would have been more enjoyable if we could have gone out and some things. I never realized how important a playground is.

    Soaking up this last weekend as much as possible and trying not to stress about Monday. I’m going to miss letting our morning take as long as necessary(3-4 hours for everyone to eat, cuddle, and get dressed for the day).

    What is everyone going to miss about quarantine when they go back to work??

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      When my office reopens I will resume the burden of commuting 10-15 or 15-20 hours/week. Each one-way, no frills trip is 1 hour, but if I tack on an errand, or phone call, or just decide to mosey along in a leisurely way, it quickly becomes an hour and a half. Then there’s the special gift of compound stress! If I have a rush one morning, I might stay late at work that evening, and then unless I deliberately compress my evening I’m awake even later, risking oversleeping the next day. I also become apprehensive re “Will I Break This Streak of Being Late, and Blaming Myself for It, or Not?” …and so on and so forth with the logistical scrambles and negative self-talk until I’m emotionally exhausted by Friday evening.

      Working from home is decidedly a mixed blessing. If I get up and get started by 8 am, I have a tremendous sense of accomplishment by 12 noon (because I will have completed half of my work day!). But living as an early bird is difficult because my spouse and child are hard-core night owls who almost always live on Dracula Standard time. It takes strong willpower for me to cut them off in mid-conversation at 10 pm. The key task (easier said than done) is to communicate that I seek an early bed time to honor my own biorhythm, not to avoid their company. \

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      One other comment: To avoid making this completely a complaining session, I want to add what I *do appreciate* about working from home (not necessarily in order of importance):
      – the sight of my houseplants
      – the feel and smell of fresh air through the open window
      – the convenience of taking only two steps into the kitchen to assemble lunch, instead of having to plan, prepare, and pack everything in advance
      – the ability to fit in occasional small housekeeping tasks (load the dishwasher, tie up the trash) as a break
      – the freedom from having to organize, package, and carry the various parts of my life (lunch? leisure reading? extra layers of clothing? etc.)
      – being able to smile at son or spouse in the middle of the day

      I’m aware of, and grateful for, my ability to shelter in place with loved ones. My life has a lot of stress, so I do my best to appreciate the benefits.

      1. nnn*

        the freedom from having to organize, package, and carry the various parts of my life (lunch? leisure reading? extra layers of clothing? etc.)

        That is one of my favourite things about working from home! There’s just so much…labour, for lack of a better word, involved in the whole “Identifying every single item I’ll need today and packing it in a way that looks suitably professional and getting this all done in time to get out the door in time to get on the subway in time to get to work in time.” (Or, if you do it the night before, getting this all done in time to get to bed in time to wake up in time to get in the shower in time to get my appearance pulled together in time to get out the door in time to get on the subway in time to get to work in time.)

        At home, I have access to literally all my worldly possessions, and don’t need to put a moment’s thought or planning into it!

    3. Overeducated*

      I’ve been teleworking and our day care closed for a while, so I have been lucky enough to have some extra time with my baby at home. This one is my last too, so it is special, even though work with two kids and no parks is…a lot. When I go back I will miss seeing my kids wake up in the morning instead of not seeing them until day care pick up time. I also don’t miss the 10-12 hours a week I spent commuting.

      Good luck with your transition back to work next week! I hope it goes smoothly for all of you.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m unemployed atm but I imagine when I go back to work I will miss sleeping in late. But then that may disappear when baby arrives. Being able to cook my own meals or eat more home made meals. No commute.

  71. nnn*

    Does anyone have any tips for psyching yourself into believing you actually can breathe while wearing a mask?

    Even before COVID, my brain has done this weird thing where if I start focusing on my breathing (deep breathing, guided meditation, etc.), my brain goes “What if I’m not actually breathing and I just THINK I’m breathing???” Wearing a mask seems to exacerbate that, and I haven’t been able to make it more than 40 minutes. (I even tried wearing a mask while sitting quietly at home watching distracting TV, and I still couldn’t make it past 40 minutes).

    It’s also exacerbated by the fact that a while back (pre-COVID, pre-mask) I fainted with no warning signs, and was injured from the fall. So I have empirical evidence that I can feel perfectly fine and also unknowingly be on the verge of collapse.

    (Anti-anxiety medication is not an option either at the moment – I’ve had bad reactions in the past, and finding a suitable medication would require more medical supervision than is available during the pandemic.)

    Does anyone have first-hand experience with convincing their brain to get past this?

    1. fposte*

      Not this specifically, but similar challenges, and I might try coming at it from a different direction–stop focusing on your breathing and do something that requires you to focus on the activity instead. Not watching TV or something passive or that you can do mindlessly, but something like sorting your closets or doing a kitchen inventory or measuring up your floors for carpeting. If you sit quietly your body focuses on the most novel stimulus and that’s the mask. If you’re up and moving around and using your brain actively your body’s got more to handle and is likely to care less about the mask.

    2. MoopySwarpet*

      I can’t think of a reason why I would specifically need to wear a mask for more than 30 minutes. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth and that helps tremendously with both foggy glasses and the feeling like I’m breathing in the air I just breathed out.

      I’m not sure if that will help convince your brain, though.

      1. matcha123*

        I have been asked to occasionally go into the office, and I wear a mask all day while in the office. Usually a disposable one, but sometimes cloth ones. They can be stuffy to breathe in, but not terrible.
        For glasses, what about something like this:
        https://www.amazon.com/Triswim-Anti-Fog-Towelette-cleaning-Towelettes/dp/B00374FAUQ?th=1

        I use similar wipes and they do a good job. You’ll probably have to do a re-wipe if you’ve got the mask on all day and the chemicals start dissipating. But there are work-arounds to keep your glasses from fogging up, aside from just accepting it.

    3. S*

      You wore a mask for 40 minutes? That’s a long time! You did a great job! You are doing great and trying hard, and I can tell you are invested in helping keep other people safe during this time.

      I very much understand the thing of ‘concentrating on a sensation makes brain freak out’ – I know advice when feeling anxious is often to pay more attention to your body, but that is certainly a no-go for me!

      I had very similar issues (unexpectedly) the first time I tried to wear a mask, and my brain created all sorts of nasty sensations for me to feel. Now I am able to wear a mask while getting food and I am ok. What helped the most with me was 1) absolving myself of the guilt and shame I felt. Having sensory issues wearing a mask is not the same as yelling at nurses because you want a haircut. Also, lots of other people are having issues too; it’s not just you. And then 2) as much as you can (and I don’t know how feasible this is for you), try to remove the urgency of the situation. This may not be possible; maybe you know you have to go back to work in person soon, or you know it takes you 1.5 hours to grocery shop for all you need, etc. But if you can, practicing while feeling like you don’t have to make it happen immediately should help with the anxiety of feeling trapped. If there is a group near you doing grocery runs for people who can’t do it themselves – avail yourself of those services. You need them right now!

      If you are practicing outside your home I would try to always have a spot not too far away where you could sit down (although you may do that already). I personally avoid any sort of exertion while the mask is on. If you’re outside, you can have it with you or around your neck and just put it on when someone is nearby. If you’re driving somewhere, I would leave it around your neck and then put it on fully when you get there.

      You could also try a face shield, which should count as a face covering and gives you a bit more space.

      I am sorry you are going through this. The pandemic is hitting a lot of trigger points for all of us, whether it’s food insecurity, hypochondria, etc etc.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, just do your best to avoid having to wear the mask more than 40 minutes. Build in breaks. If you’re running errands, take it off in the car and put it on when you get out (yes, yes, I know the rules, but let’s be honest, at least half the people I see are either not wearing a mask OR are wearing one badly so they might as well not be wearing it).

    5. D'Euly*

      I had some issues the first few times wearing a mask to obgyn appointments, and was also mentally preparing myself to labor with a mask on if the hospital required it. I found repeating a few mantras to myself steadily helped a great deal, over a couple of weeks. My mantras were “My mask keeps me safe. My mask keeps me warm. My mask keeps me hydrated. My mask gives me clean air.” Perhaps something like that would help you?

    7. RagingADHD*

      If you don’t have a practical need to go longer, just forget it.

      If you do, try very, very gradual challenges – one minute at a time.

      The human body can cope with nearly anything for sixty seconds. You can actually hold your breath for one minute quite easily, no problem at all.

      So if you can go 40 with the mask, you could quite safely go to 41, even if you weren’t breathing, because you know for sure you have a one minute safety margin.

      And then next time, you have proved that 41 was okay. So you can completely safely use that one minute margin to go for 42.

      And so on.

    8. blackcat*

      What types of masks have you tried? It could be something that vents more easily to the sides, or something lighter is better.
      *Any* mask is much better than nothing at slowing the speed of particles leaving your mouth. So maybe something lighter weight would work for you? Just a bandana, which is lose around the bottom?

    9. Lyra*

      This doesn’t happen to me with masks, but sometimes my breathing gets shallow and my chest tightens up and I get short of breath, etc etc for no apparent reason. Sort of a pre-panic attack that can last for hours. Breathing techniques work sometimes but sometimes, like you, make it worse.

      There’s another anti-anxiety technique where you focus on other sensations: one variation is find 5 things that are red; another is notice 5 things you see, 4 sensations you touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste. I find this kind of technique way more helpful when I need to get out of the sensations inside my own body since it shifts the focus outwards. Hope it can help you too.

    10. allathian*

      Ouch. I have no idea but you have my sympathy. Masks aren’t even strongly recommended never mind mandated in my area, so I consider myself lucky. But I don’t plan on getting on public transit any time soon. I live in the suburbs and here social distancing is pretty much the norm even in normal times. Most people have a personal space of about 4 feet around them, but crowded buses and trains are an exception.

    11. Semprini!*

      Something I find helps me reassure myself I can in fact breathe is when bad smells. If this disgusting smell that I don’t even *want* to be smelling is coming through the mask, surely much-needed oxygen is too.

  72. Nervous Nellie*

    CATS! “Glad you could join us, Alison. Have a seat. We were just discussing your TPS reports…..”

    Raise your hand if you come here for the cat pics!!! These make my day.

    1. fposte*

      Etsy. There are also a lot of people in my town making them; information is usually on local FB pages or Nextdoor.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I bought some from a local sewest, found on the neighborhood FB group. I also saw that my local zoo (which I’m sure is hurting badly for money) is going to sell facemasks as part of their zoo shop now. Can order online. My mom made a couple. I could make some, but am lazy and don’t want to, and I have the money to buy. I currently have 5, will probably buy one from the zoo to help support them.

    3. Enough*

      Standard issue tees. They only take enough orders each day that they can fulfill. Placed orders at different times and got one in a week and a half, the other in a week (California to Pa) Shipping charge is reasonable and they come in a three pack. Also can take a filter if needed/wanted.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Unemployed people in my neighborhood make masks for an extra income. 99% cotton, soft and breathable. I had to walk for about half an hour not so long ago and it was super comfy.

    6. filosofickle*

      Help with masks!

      I am having a significant problem with my cloth masks — all of them ride up and cover/touch my eyes after a minute or two, even with a firmly adjusted nose piece. And that makes sense, my ears and eyes are at the same level so the elastic pulls it up. I end up constantly adjusting and pulling it down, which is not good. The okay-est one so far is a regular medical surgical type mask, because it’s a bit smaller overall. For my one store run a week this has been manageable, but assuming masks are a long-term need I have to figure this out.

      It seems like need a mask that is much curvier, shaped to dip a LOT lower under the eyes, below the cheekbone. I have seen ones on people that look like they would work better.

      Any tips? Leads on where to get a mask like this?

      1. Something Blue*

        I had the same problem and then saw a tip for eyeglass wearers that helped me: when you’re about to loop one side around an ear, twist the elastic once the other way and then loop it around the ear. (Making a kind of X by your jaw instead of a straight line from mask to ear.). And repeat on the other side.

        It shortened the elastic slightly and the mask fit better on my face.

      2. Lyra*

        Another option is to look into getting (or making) some ear savers – basically anything that hold the loops instead of your ears. I’ve seen plastic and cardboard ones, as well as knitted ones that have a button for each loop. I’ve seen people wear them both high on their heads and low on their necks, whatever works for your face shape. Also pulls the mask tighter to your face so it doesn’t move around so much.

      3. Dancing Otter*

        Look on Etsy, if you don’t know anyone local. Here are some hints for getting a mask that fits better and doesn’t slide up to your eyes.

        There are patterns for shaped masks; if the ones you have are the simple pleated ones, the others might work better, as they curve in under the chin and don’t move as much.
        If the ties on your masks are long enough, try crossing them, so that the ties at the bottom corners tie on the top of your head and the ties at the upper corners go at the back of your neck. My daughter swears by this.
        I just started making a new pattern where there are short loops, then single ties that can slide along the loops to whatever position is most comfortable or fits best. By moving the ties up from center, and tying above my ponytail, I get the lower edge of the mask tucked under my chin tighter, which keeps it in place better. Laid out for photography, they look like a sideways letter Y extended from each side of the usual pleated rectangle.
        A metal insert across the bridge of the nose helps fit the mask to the face. This is particularly good for keeping glasses from fogging, which means less of your breath is escaping up instead of through the mask. Look for the kind that allows you to remove the metal for washing.

    9. Jaid*

      BTW, Amazon has a bunch of silicon and plastic bands designed to keep your mask in place without actually looping it on your ears. I ordered some to use for my cloth masks, because the elastic is kinda tight…

  74. Might Be Spam*

    How can I support my adult son who lives out of state? Last week he said that he had lost all faith in humanity. He’s concerned about the way people are talking and acting about the pandemic and politics in general. His roommate is an EMT and couldn’t get PPE for their job. They both are worried about getting sick. He feels that politicians and businesses are playing games with everyone’s health and safety. He’s also upset about people risking others health by being careless and believing various conspiracy theories.

    I think there’s a lot of truth in what he’s feeling and I want to support him without making him feel worse. I’m buying him and his roommate dinner to share with me over Skype tonight or tomorrow.

    What would be a good way to approach them that would actually help them feel supported? I had my own pandemic meltdown last week but I’m not sure it would be a good idea to mention it.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you focus on good news (the people who make masks and send them to strangers, with notes of support; the workers who decided to live in their factory for a month while they turned out PPE-related materials; the guy who daily posts a corny “Dad” joke on a whiteboard in his front yard)? Or encourage them to alternate between sharing their opinions with the elected officials of their choice, and pursuing their favorite pastimes? Or mention organizations that are working to bring about social changes that you and he find worthwhile?

      Your plans to buy them dinner and to keep your own meltdown to yourself both sound like a good beginning.

      We do not inhabit easy times, but no one set of conditions endures forever.

    2. Kathenus*

      Also encourage he and his roommate to take actions – especially voting and mobilizing their friends to do so – so that the younger generation can help rise up and bring in a new round of leaders. I know a lot of young adults, including some family members, that don’t vote in part because they’ve just given up that change will happen. If we can convince them all that if they DO collectively vote change WILL happen, that would be phenomenal.

      And separately, ask him what he wants – does he just need to vent, or is he hoping for some constructive ideas for either action or how to feel better. Sometimes it’s just releasing that tension in a safe place that’s the goal, sometimes people want help – figuring out which one it is can help you figure out how to best respond as well.

    3. tangerineRose*

      It might help him to know that he’s not alone in feeling this way.

      I like to think about the “helpers”, which I think Mr. Rogers recommended. There are a lot of people out there who are doing good things and a lot of people staying home to keep people safe. The news tends to focus on the obnoxious people.

      Also, if he uses facebook, he may find some comfort in unfollowing the more irritating/clueless people.

    4. nep*

      I have found solace on Jon Kabat-Zinn’s daily meditation/talk/Q&A. It’s through Wisdom 2.0 and it’s on Zoom as well as live on YouTube–for now they’re doing it at 2pm EST. A lot of people calling in are in the medical field…Jon touches on that a lot. In any case, it’s just amazing as far as just getting grounded and being with what is, terror and all, ugliness and all…
      Not sure whether any of it would resonate with your son and/or his roommate, but maybe worth a try. (Even if they can’t catch them live, all of the sessions are up on YT.)

    5. Anonnington*

      I think just making it clear that you’re available to talk as needed would help a lot. I know I would appreciate having a friendly Roommate’s Mom to talk to. If the Skype dinner goes well, could you make it a regular thing?

      And also just ask. Ask how they’re doing and let them know you’re there for them.

      And yeah, I would also recommend finding healthier places to hang out online, alternatives to social media (if that’s an issue). Social media tends to highlight the worst in humanity. I’ve been using this time to work on my website. I’m focusing on long-term digital projects and have almost cut out social media use.

    6. university minion*

      Encourage him to focus on the things he can control and let the rest go.

    7. Fikly*

      1. Validate.
      2. Ask him how he would like to be supported. Do that if you can. If he doesn’t know, don’t press him. If you have ideas, ask him how he feels about them.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Great advice above.
      Also encourage him to get exercise any way he can. It helps state of mind.

    9. Analyst Editor*

      I hear of a lot of guys, my hubs included, have gotten into philosophy, particularly stoics.
      I’m less of a fan of philosophy…. I think it’s a thing that speaks to boys and men more than to women, on average, but he can check it out.

      Also if he’s a fan of Tolkien, there’s the quote about how “it is not for us to choose the time we are born in”, etc.

    10. LGC*

      Honestly, when I was in that place…the only thing that really helped me was escaping for a bit. I was really “AMERICA SUCKS” for a while, and I kind of hated everyone for their irresponsibility too. So, I’d do the favor of letting him talk about his feelings about politics, and then gently guiding him away from it when it’s unproductive for him.

      I think, also, people (hi) have a tendency to focus on the negative. Sometimes it’s relatively low-stakes – to use the famous park example, most people might be walking through a park safely and keeping their distance, but everyone is going to take pictures of the one group that’s having a picnic. Other times it’s pretty high-stakes, like…the federal government in the US not only abdicating responsibility for a nationwide disaster, but actively undermining the state response. Or business owners being cavalier with the health of their employees and customers. Or grown adults acting like petulant teenagers because they were told to do something. But even in the United States – which has arguably handled this the worst of any country in the world (how’s that for American exceptionalism, although it looks like Brazil and Mexico are giving us stiff competition) – majorities of people across the political spectrum believe in acting responsibly, according to a ton of polling.

      We love ourselves an outrageous idiot – it’s why the news is what it is, and why Tiger King did so well on Netflix. But the yahoo storming the state house in Lansing with an AK-47 strapped to his back and a mask NOT strapped to his face isn’t representative of all Michiganders, let alone all Americans.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Here it is 200 some years later and we are STILL a nation of rebels. But now we rebel against each other or whatever we can find.

        I remember one thing the nuns said when I was in grammar school: A country that CAN criticism itself is healthier than those countries were NO discussion is allowed. I learned to be less afraid of opinions that are not mine. There is a price to pay for that ability to criticize and we are seeing that price now.

        In my own personal life, I have found the things that people do NOT talk about to be the most worrisome. What are they hiding and why.

        I have also seen that the pendulum swings both ways- it swings way to one side and then way to the other side. Eventually the pendulum settles in the middle somewhere. It’s like we almost need that extreme movement in the opposite direction to get to that middle ground.

        I can remember my parents were SO VERY upset by the upheaval in the 1960s. They were 40 y/o, but they were an Old Forty, they did not like change hence their upset. I look at the changes that came about in the 60s and I see some good things. Not everything that is deemed bad, lands in a bad place in the end. This Covid story is not over yet. We are still making decisions as a society. Yes, it’s going to be rough. But our country seems to get a little rough before we settle down. (This probably ties into why we as a nation are not always well liked worldwide. We get rough.)

        So you can talk about past crisis we have faced as a nation.

        You can also talk about the importance of getting news from more than one source- not just one perspective. One of my activities is to try to figure out why people have this or that reaction. NOT because I want to adopt their stance, but because I want to see where their thinking comes from. I’d suggest looking at news from overseas such as the BBC, etc to try to see more things.

        And be sure to point out that the media likes to report things that raise our blood pressure. We can have one jacka$$ doing something stupid and it makes nationwide headlines as if everyone is going to start doing this stupid thing. News media has to sell toothpaste, tv dinners, whatever. If they write captivating headlines, we will buy the paper and in turn by the toothpaste or tv dinner.

        Last. One thing I have noticed for most of my adult life, when ever someone does harm to others people rush in from all over to help clean up. For every idiot there are dozens and dozens of heroes.

        In their own personal life ventures, they will need to role model and even set boundaries. We can only control our personal one square foot of this planet. (Imagine each of us having reign over 1 square foot of planet earth.) Let them know that they are right, they did not make this mess but they are stuck in it like the rest of us. Sometimes the best we can do is keep ourselves safe and keep ourselves on course. My wise friend used to talk about the importance of waiting, Wait. On a different day, we will be able to go in on some things and make the necessary changes. But we must wait for that opening. My own choice for the moment is to try to talk with others in a calming manner. (Not always easy!!!) My older friend worries about shut down and worries about groceries, etc. I tell her that she is not alone, people do help and we will continue to help her. Since we are both praying people, I can make suggestions on prayers she and I can say. Other people use different calming activities, of course. We do have to work at helping ourselves calm down.

  75. Seifer*

    Okaaaaay so after my feeling of pandemic malaise last week, I am feeling a lot better because the sun is out! I am basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions, and I’m thoroughly convinced that I was a cat for nine of my past lives already.

    Things I have accomplished: playing a shit ton of Stardew Valley to the point where I have written my own Stardew Valley fanfic, building and filling an 11-foot long planter (patio probs) with fingerling potatoes, green beans, cucumbers, tomatoes, two varieties of sweet potato vine, a citronella plant, and marigolds for tomato friends, filling these other plastic planters I had laying around with mint, radishes, and basil, setting up my boyfriend’s pepper plants so they can get some SUN, trimming back a jade plant that suffered some cold damage, and sitting out on the patio for as long as I can to soak up all. the. sun.

    Things I want to do during the coming week: build the other half of my closet, paint the doors, keep writing that fanfic (it is currently 120 pages in google docs and I show no signs of stopping ahahah), play more Stardew, and do more stupid job applications. Keeping it busy.

    Thanks to everyone that commented and commiserated last week! These are weird times, and I was in a pretty bad funk.

    1. Penguin*

      *waves* Hello fellow houseplant! (It’s good to know there are others like me out there.) Good luck with all your gardening; it sounds ambitious!

  76. Sunflower*

    I read a great article on The Atlantic that I will link to in comments comparing COVID messaging to abstinence only programs. It really nailed down what is frustrating me so much during this pandemic- the complete lack of guidance out there on how to have a life during this. We know this is going to be a part of our lives for the next year or two- why the heck is there not more information out there on how to lower your risk instead of rules telling people . There’s so much evidence that simply telling poeple not to do things doesn’t work- why would this be any different?

      1. Misty*

        I read this article I think yesterday. I thought it was really good and brought up a really good point.

      2. Blueberry*

        Oh, Atlantic. Your reporting used to be trustworthy.

        To continue the abstinence-only metaphor, having read that I feel like I used to when some perfectly delightful seeming guy I was flirting with proceeded to go on a long rant about why he shouldn’t have to use condoms.

          1. Blueberry*

            As RagingADHD put it, “The actual data we have on what is known to be safe or risky is prominent and widely available. People just don’t like it and don’t want to follow it. ”

            So seeing people saying “this is too hard, I should be able to determine my own risk (after all no one will catch this from me), it’s not as bad as it could be so obviously we don’t need these measures” (especially that last one, where the truth is it’s not as bad as it could be *because of the measures we’ve been taking as a society*) reminds me of those boys and their arguments that condoms are uncomfortable and kill the mood and Each Particular Boy Knows He Doesn’t Have ANything (regardless of being tested or not, or anything like that) so HE shouldn’t have to wear a condom.

            I should have said “the sex ed” analogy rather than the “abstinence-only analogy”, or maybe not, because abstinence was actually healthier than foregoing condoms for the sake of a boy like that.

            1. Misty*

              You know, that actually makes sense and changed my mind on the article. Like the first time I read it, I was like, it makes sense. But now what you’re saying makes more sense.

    2. Dr Jen*

      I think that advice isn’t there because it’s just too soon to know what is a reasonable level of precaution to take, and what’s relevant in judging acceptable risk. The article makes good points, but I think it’s far too early to be looking for that kind of messaging. Long-term it will be needed, but we have to get through the initial phase first to get enough data on which to base such thinking. No one I’ve seen is suggesting lockdown will go on for years, but in the short term it’s our best bet.

        1. Sunflower*

          NYC released a guide on safe sex at the end of March. The message was don’t have sex with people outside of your home- but if you do, here’s how to lower your risk while also acknowledging there’s a lot we don’t know.

          While you see the last 2 months as short term, there are many many people out there who do not. Some people revolted over being told to stay home for a mere 2 weeks. I live in a hotspot and people who understood and agreed with the lockdown the last 8 weeks are now opening up their contact circles. My state has increased the number of people allowed at gatherings in some areas with no additional guidance beyond continue to social distance. I’d rather there be guidance like ‘host your parties outside instead of inside’ over nothing. The need for this is now.

          1. Anon4this*

            Same in my area. Things have been opening up but ten minutes away in the next state, everything is closed. This leads to people ten minutes away coming here. Very confusing times.

          2. allathian*

            Same here, I live in what is the hotspot in my country. I live in a temperate climate and lockdown is a lot easier to handle when the weather’s bad enough that any excuse to just stay indoors is good. But now with the weather improving… People are starting to grumble about the precautions, especially now that kids are back in school.

    3. Llellayena*

      This was wonderful. Yes, provide the tools to let each individual choose their own level of risk. Businesses still need some regulatory guidance because their decisions as a business affect a larger number of people who may have no say in those decisions. Save the full shutdowns for specific times and areas that need to flatten the curve so hospitals are not overwhelmed (I am certainly not arguing against the NYC shutdowns). But I should be able assess the risk of shopping or visiting a friend for myself at this point.

    4. Dan*

      Two reasons:

      1. Many people struggle with any sort of nuance. Simple messaging is effective – straight forward and clear. If the message isn’t straight forward and clear, then the import gets lost.

      2. The data is not in yet.

      TBH, it’s been easy for me to social distance. But I don’t clutch my pearls over the neighbors wanting to grill out together. I can choose to join them (or not), but the odds are that if they’re all on work from home status and otherwise just going to the grocery store, their risk is negligible.

    6. Fikly*

      Well, the guidance on what things people should be doing is out there. Also, the rules? Following them is how to lower your risk, and everyone else’s risk.

      Wash your hands. Stay a good distance away from other people. If you have health issues, take care of them, etc.

      Comparing this to abstinance only is not a good comparison, because there is a vast amount of evidence out there that abstinance only not only doesn’t work, but it leads to higher levels of STDs and pregnancy. Whereas all the evidence we have shows that the rules in place are actually effective in lowering infection and death rates – and this is solidified by the states who are prematurely opening, and wham, their infection and death rates are spiking right back up.

      Yes, what we have right now isn’t enough for the long term. But it’s what we have.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Meh.

      The actual data we have on what is known to be safe or risky is prominent and widely available.

      People just don’t like it and don’t want to follow it. You want to use a sex education analogy? We already know that using protection (masks) saves lives, and that info is clearly available.

      But idiots are literally shooting store employees because they insist on their “right” to barebacking.

      I, for one, don’t want public health officials making shit up out of whole cloth just because the truth is unpopular.

      1. Sunflower*

        I’m not talking about guidelines for people who have been protesting since day 1 or refuse to wear masks- those people made their decision long before facts became available. This is guidance for people who understood and agreed with the lockdown as well as gradual opening measures- and are well aware they CAN spread it and want to know how to asses the risk of spreading.

        In the last 3 weeks, I’ve seen a big shift in mindsets of people located in hot spots from ‘Yes, we need to stay inside’ to ‘ok, we’re opening, how do we do this’. I mean, we’re still being told to stay inside as much as possible yet the beaches in NY and NJ are open for sunbathing- it’s extremely mixed messaging.

        No one is talking about making things up. We can’t say with 100% positively that you can’t catch the virus from outside but evidence is mounting that it’s harder to transmit outside. Here’s an article the LA Times released today. It’s helpful to read actual scenarios and determine risk- even if it’s ‘we’re not sure’. That’s a heck of a lot more helpful that ‘don’t go outside at all’- https://www.latimes.com/science/story/2020-05-16/so-you-really-want-to-see-your-friends-heres-how-to-assess-the-risk

        It’s especially important because as weather gets warmer, staying inside isn’t an option for everyone. In NYC, there are many places with 8+ family members living in a 3 bedroom apartment with no cooling systems- some with no TV or access to internet so they don’t have access to this information unless it’s officially sent out. They absolutely can not stay inside and while the income/housing crisis in NYC is a huge deal, I don’t forsee it being solved anytime soon . We’ve gotta provide people with guidance they can use today.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yes, you are talking about speculation and guesswork. The experts have already said what they know to be safe, and what they don’t know.

          You may want somebody to tell you what to do so you can abdicate responsibility for thinking about it yourself. That’s fine, you’re allowed to want that. There are plenty of politicians who will reassure you that it’s safe to do whatever you want to hear, as long as you vote for them.

          I don’t. I want scientists to tell me the facts.

          I can make my own decisions about what is worth the risk or not. And that is what everone is going to do, no matter what speculative guidance is issued.

          Any guidance that isn’t legally enforceable is going to be followed or ignored only insofar as it suits the person hearing it. So I’m sure if you look, you can find some guidance from someone that suits you.

          1. Cat*

            This is weirdly hostile. Not everyone is trained in analyzing data and risks which is why public health is a professional field.

            1. Anon4this*

              +1

              It was an interesting article and I think OP is allowed to think that more guidance would be helpful. It’s confusing times and not completely realistic for us all to stay home 24/7 ONCE things start opening up again. Plus some of us have to go to work or the doctors, etc. In my area, stores, doctors offices and some other places have begun to open again this week. I’m nervous about going out therefore I understand why it would be helpful to have more guidance about what’s safe versus what’s not. Maybe the reality is everything is unsafe and we should all be staying home even if things are opening, I’m honestly not sure. (I am not advising we go out right now or anything, however I know some states/countries are already opening up like in my area therefore it would be helpful to know what is high risk versus lower risk when things open up. Kind of like how NY came up with those sex guidance. More guidance can be helpful if people are going to engage in certain aspects in life again)

              At some point we will have to leave our houses again (I assume) so I think it makes sense to want to know what’s safe to do. (Again, I am not advising we all leave our houses right now as I’m not a public health expert). It would be nice if in the USA (and maybe other places too?) things were a little more clearer across the board. For instance things in my town are opening and the town ten minutes away is still all shut over the border. So… that’s kind of confusing. It’s confusing times.

          2. J.B.*

            Health communication is different from infection management. I’ve seen lots of tips from doctors and nurses about how easy it is to contaminate wearing a mask, but most of us are not going to be exposed to the same viral loads and even cloth masks can limit spreads.

  77. Question about therapists*

    —Not looking for medical advice here—

    How do you know if you’ve found the right therapist? I was seeing someone late last year, he was nice and the timing and location were flexible. 

    My last appt with him was in February after a 2 month break. I updated him on things going on in my life (pregnancy & family issues). His reaction was….well he raised his eyebrows and said congrats in a whispering tone and basically made it seem like he didn’t want to talk about it or me to talk about it. When I mentioned stuff about my home life, he said “oh you’ll figure it out.” so the bulk of the last time we spoke was related to work, which I didn’t mind so much at the time. 

    Now that I’m thinking about it, anytime I brought up family stuff he would mention how it’s the same in his culture, which I know also correspond to the way he reacted about the pregnancy. I understand the latter, I just wasn’t expecting it?

    Not sure if it matters but he’s a psychologist, and doesn’t prescribe medication. Our conversations were good but now that I think about it, just felt like I was talking to a friend. Is that how it’s supposed to be? 

    Anyways, so I’ve been mostly OK the last few months, a few bad days here and there and like everyone, stressed with the covid situation. But seeing as how I no longer work at that location, it’s worth it to look around for a new one. From what I’ve read here over the years, it can take years and multiple therapists to find the right one?  

    1. ThatGirl*

      My husband is a clinician so this is from that perspective … you should feel comfortable/at ease talking with your therapist but they should also feel like they’re helping you figure things out, not just listening. And they should be willing to dive into any relevant issues or things you want to discuss. It doesn’t seem like this guy is the best fit.

    2. Misty*

      This is going to likely not be helpful, but usually it’s my gut feeling. It’s like when you make a friend or meet someone, and you just feel understood and connected to them.

      I’ve had 12 different therapists from the age of 15 (I’m 26 now) due to different life circumstances and being in the hospital a lot as a child. My first therapist was an art therapist who I LOVED. But then she moved across country after a year :( After that, the next like 8 or so therapists just weren’t a match. Then I took a break from therapy for four years after I decided I needed a break from therapy.

      In the end of December 2018 when I was having a rough time again I found a therapist in my new area who I saw for a year and three months. We did a lot of good work together and I felt like she really understood me. Then something changed earlier this year, it felt like her advice became off/not really aligned with who I am as a person/my values. It felt like she was pushing me in directions I didn’t want to go in and when I would try to bring it up to her, it just felt like we were on really different pages. I decided to end things with her and go back to my last old therapist from four years ago. The reason I decided to go back to him is because I felt like he always understood me and he knew me pretty well in the past. Also I felt like he could read the room per say and not push me if I said I didn’t want to do something.

      I think it could be helpful to think about what qualities you’re looking for in a therapist. I’ve had therapists who have a lot of opinions or give a lot of advice and while that may help some people, I’m more looking for someone to listen who I feels like understands me. I also look for a therapist who specializes or have experience with what I’m going through. For instance if you’re dealing with marriage problems you may not want to see someone who primarily sees people dealing with substance abuse. I used to think it wasn’t a big deal if my therapist didn’t have experience in what I’ve been dealing with (anxiety and PTSD) if I liked talking to them, but then I found when I was actually having a hard time, it was like they didn’t know what to do or say to me if that makes sense.

      Above all else, I would say go with your gut feeling.

    3. Sunflower*

      Psychology Today is a great place to start as you can filter by specialty, location, insurance, etc. You mentioned culture as well- some people prefer to see men vs women, older vs younger, etc. That’s fine- you should pick whoever you feel most comfortable with and it may be important for you to see someone with a similar background (or opposite). Also while it’s important to see someone who is accessible, I would caution how much to weigh the location convenience factor. I suffered with an awful therapist for 4 years because she was around the corner- my therapist I’ve been with for 4 years is 25 mins away and worth the extra time.

      You also should consider seeing an MSW or licensed counselor if you previously ruled them out. Most therapists who conduct regular talk therapy are not psychiatrists or even psychologists- psychiatrists very rarely do talk therapy as well.

      Are you going into therapy with a goal/an idea of what specifically you’re struggling with? You don’t need to know exactly what you’re looking to get out of therapy but if you go in with a vague idea like ‘I want to feel happier’, it’s will be difficult to make progress. It’s important to do a screening call with them and be upfront about your goals and what works or doesn’t work for you. After that, your therapist should be able to get a basic idea of if this could work (or rule out if it seems like it will definitely be a bad fit)

      I think within a few sessions, you should be able to get an idea of whether you feel like you’re connecting. A very big part of therapy is your relationship with your therapist and there is somewhat of a belief that it will model your relationships with others. As much as therapy is about compatibility, that doesn’t mean you will always get along or they will read your mind. The great thing about therapy is you shouldn’t have to worry about judgement or grudges- if you were upset at how your therapist reacted to your pregnancy news, you should have said that. That’s a very very important part of therapy. This may be really where you discover if someone is a fit or not.

      What clicked for me was within 3 sessions, she was able to hear my issue, identify the problem behavior and offer realistic ways I could make small changes for improvement. I felt heard, this felt doable- uncomfortable, but it didn’t feel like I was going from 0 to 60.

      Some general things I’ve learned about therapy and tell my friends who are wondering what to expect- my therapist is a regular, imperfect person just like me. She is there to help me understand how my thinking makes me view the world and how I can improve my quality of life. She’s not there to give advice or fix me- she will not always say the right thing. Also, therapy is hard. Sitting on a couch and venting for 45 mins feel great but the real work and change comes with admitting uncomfortable truths and doing things that put you our of comfort zone.

    4. RagingADHD*

      For the vast majority of people in the vast majority of situations, a good therapist is not the Holy Grail that you have to search years to find.

      A therapist does not have to be a perfect fit in order to help you, so don’t delay treatment looking for that. Someone who gives you confidence that they know their job, who seems trustworthy, and treats you with respect – that’s all you need to start.

      It’s normal to outgrow a therapist, or need to switch after a time because your issues or treatment goals have changed, or because you’re getting into new topics that may be outside their expertise. (The reaction you got talking about your pregnancy is a good example). That doesn’t mean the first therapist was worthless, it means you changed, and that’s fine.

      I know the hassle of finding someone can seem daunting, but just focus on getting some help. There are thousands and thousands of competent folks who would be just fine. You can fine-tune later if you want.

    5. Washi*

      I agree with what everyone has said here, both as a former patient and as a current MSW student. One of the things we learned about is the common factors theory. Basically, there’s quite a lot of research that shows that certain key factors, mainly the therapeutic alliance, therapist skill, and client motivation/hope, have the biggest impact on therapy success, more than the specific techniques used. So it’s definitely really important and that’s why people are recommended to shop around and find someone they’re really comfortable with.

      If you overall have a strong relationship and had been making progress with him, it would probably be worth addressing your concerns directly with him. You seem very well able to articulate your feelings, I think you could say pretty much exactly what you wrote here, and his response might inform what you do next.

    6. LGC*

      Like, having a therapist is kind of like dating someone. Basically, the checklist is bespoke to you, and sometimes Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t who you first expect.

      And yes, it’s like the old guideline about obscenity: you know it when you see it.

      It seems like your current is more of a listener, while you might be looking for someone who gives you advice. My therapist (who I adore) happens to be similar, but she’s not afraid to be direct with me sometimes. But that’s kind of what I needed – a friend who listens and also gives advice. But that relationship kind of built up over years. But if you don’t feel comfortable talking about significant life changes with him (like…uh…creating a new human *cough*), maybe he’s not the right therapist for you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Hard agree.

        I went to a therapist twice. The first was a woman. I thought she was listening to me. I kept going waiting for her to tell me what I was missing. I found out that she was not always listening. The big turning point was when I said something Hugely Important to me and immediately she asked about a petty, unrelated thing.
        Finally she just said, “You need to move on in life.” So I did. She was surprised when I did not make another appointment.

        I went a second time to a man over a decade later. He was a hundred times worse. He seemed to have little to no life experience. I was trying to talk about my father dying and my life going out of control with 20-22 hour days. Since he was a psychiatrist he keep trying to find ways to test me so I could take some drugs. I was already on stuff for my ear infection and those drugs were messing me up beyond belief. There were days I could not remember my name. I could not tolerate more drugs. I gave up after eight sessions, when he bragged that most people complained of migraine headaches when they were doing therapy with him. He did finally ask why I was there. I explained about the 20 plus hour days and he said, “You are a woman you need to accept your lot in life.” Okay, good bye.

        I think where I messed up was I did not figure out or clearly state what my goal was. I should have taken a moment to preview/ask if the person had worked with people in situations similar to my setting. I did decide that I needed to talk to another woman, not a man. Men have a different life experience. After my husband died, I went to a life coach who was a woman. When I said that I could not get the snow thrower started she instantly understood that this was a huge problem. I did not have to explain why it was a huge problem.

        Know what your goal is. Pick someone similar to you but at least ten years older. You want someone who has already worked through some life stuff. Just my opinion, but 10 years difference seems to be enough spacing.

        1. Misty*

          Yes, the age thing is something I think is important too (at least in my own experience). When I was younger (age 15 to low 20s) I saw therapists in their 20s and low 30s but now my therapist is almost 50. I like having someone older with some life experience and advice. Not that younger people can’t have life experience but I’m 26… I have plenty of friends and people surrounding me my age. What I don’t have in my life? Older adults who talk to me. I’ve found having someone older has been amazingly helpful.

          I think gender can matter a lot too but my therapist is male. But I’ve also seen male therapists in the past who didn’t seem to understand anything I was saying in the context of being female if that makes sense.

          Not So New Reader, I’m really glad you didn’t book another appointment with that lady when she said that you need to move on in life. Like people go to therapy to talk about things and process stuff! That doesn’t mean they aren’t moving on in life. Giant red flag from her imo.

        2. LGC*

          Know what your goal is. Pick someone similar to you but at least ten years older. You want someone who has already worked through some life stuff. Just my opinion, but 10 years difference seems to be enough spacing.

          I don’t know – I think your guidelines are good for OP (where I suspect she needs a culturally competent therapist), but as a blanket statement I actually disagree! I do think that it’s nice to have an idea of what you need, but you might not have that (I mean, I sure didn’t as a younger adult). And my therapist ticks off almost none of the boxes you’ve put up – except that she specializes in working with autistic individuals (I’m autistic).

          I think that what’s key is that…like, a good therapist has to be good at reading clients. (Which is why I’d never become a therapist myself.) Or at least interested in thinking about the way their clients move through the world rather than sticking to their own priors – for example, when I first started marathoning seriously, I had…quite a bit of drama and anxiety. She actually looked a bit at sports psychology, even though it was way out of her wheelhouse.

          Also: oh my god your therapists were cringe (as the kids say nowadays). Especially the second one – although psychiatrists nowadays really are more for prescribing, in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a valid field, but it’s like asking a surgeon to fix your knee. They’re probably going to think of surgery before physical therapy.

          (BUT ALSO I can’t believe he said you are a woman and you need to accept your lot in life I can’t with him. Okay, I can believe it, but I really wish I didn’t.)

    7. allathian*

      Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
      As a woman, there are definitely some issues I’d be more comfortable discussing with a woman of my own culture rather than a man of any culture.

  78. Aphrodite*

    Jeopardy!

    This is the only television show I watch. I love it! I love challenging myself with the answers, and on regular shows I find I can usually get between 75 and 90 percent of the right answers. Some categories thought are automatic groans: don’t watch other television and haven’t in nearly three decades nor do I go to movies so if something like the Academy Awards comes up I just groan and give up.

    But the G.O.A.T. shows in January and again the last two weeks, while a spectacular, fun and incredibly wonderful ride, made me feel stupid at times. I think on average I got about 10 percent right and there were an alarming number of clues I had never heard of.

    Obviously the re-runs were when the virus shut things down (since they film about two months ahead) and they needed to figure out what to do. With Alex’s age and illness he is at maximum risk so when the new shows return on Monday I wonder what will be different. Will he still be around? Will they film him from home? I know there won’t be an audience, but I wonder if they’ll use canned applause. Will Alex choose to retire now? If so, who will become the new host? (I am hoping for Ken Jennings, but quite a few people have expressed interest including George Stephanopoulos and Pat Sajak.)

    1. ThatGirl*

      The new episodes starting Monday were taped pre shutdown, but they’ll run out in June. I don’t think they have a plan in place yet to tape again.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        That is my understanding also. The reruns of the GOAT were to push the remaining new eps farther out. I believe hey did tape some without an audience before completely shutting down, but after June 12, there are no more new episodes for the foreseeable future.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I imagine it’d be nearly impossible. Since it’s a “who buzzes in first” quiz show not a “specific question per person” show, the nature of the different connections and synchronization and…basically anything that might cause a slight delay with one person’s buzzer and not the others. It’s be a no-go.

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          Obviously it is a far less serious show than Jeopardy–really it shouldn’t be compared at all–but NBC’s Hollywood Game Night tried the buzzing-in-remotely thing last week and surprisingly… it sort of worked!

  79. Kuododi*

    Ooh!!! So glad to hear that the PT is working out well. I’m currently doing PT via my program telehealth option. I recognized the hand exercises right away. I’ve been working on hand strength and improving overall fine motor control. (In my case it was a result of a wretched case of carpal tunnel in both hands. Best wishes as you recover.

    1. Kuododi*

      Woops. This belongs further up as a response to Allison update on the hand rehab. Butterfingers

  80. Writing a Letter to Grandma*

    My grandmother, who is in a nursing home, tested positive for the virus yesterday. Her 99th birthday will be next weekend, assuming she makes it. I’m sending her a birthday card and a letter.

    Usually I don’t have much trouble writing letters, but knowing that this might be my last contact with her, I am at a loss for words.

    Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks. (This is juliebulie)

    1. tangerineRose*

      What do you admire about her? What do you like about her? What are some fun traits she has? Even if it’s something you’ve said to her before, writing it down and sending it to her will be likely to make her day.

    2. Not A Manager*

      My suggestion is to just write the letter. These situations are so hard, and it’s easy to “postpone” and “forget” and “not get it just right” and then the window has closed. In my opinion, *almost* anything you say is better than saying nothing. (Obviously there are things that are worse than saying nothing, but they are usually obvious and you wouldn’t say them anyway.)

      Don’t let the best be the enemy of the good. Write your letter and send it.

      Suggestions: Don’t worry too much about explaining why you’re saying stuff. Just say it. “Happy birthday, Grandma. I miss you and I wish I were with you. I was just thinking about… Do you remember that time when… When I was little, it always made me happy when we would…”

      In a way, this letter is more for you than for her. Write the letter that in the future, you’ll be glad that you sent.

      My thoughts are with you and your family. I’m very glad that you and your grandmother have had such a long and loving relationship. I can tell from your post here how much she means to you. I hope she has the very best outcome possible.

    4. Policy wonk*

      Include some favorite memories of things you did together. Tell them as stories so she will relive them with you. I remember telling my grandmother about my good memories of cooking with her, especially making pickles – she didn’t know it meant that much to me, and really appreciated my reminding her, letting her know.

      1. juliebulie*

        Thanks again. I wrote the letter. My mother told me to make sure to mention that I was doing okay. (I honestly hadn’t thought of that.) I talked about the things I missed doing with her, that I hope we can do again soon.

        1. allathian*

          Fingers crossed for your grandma’s recovery. Although age is a risk factor by itself, some very old people have managed to recover from the virus. I hope your grandma is one of them. In Spain, the oldest person to recover so far is 113 years old.

          1. juliebulie*

            Thanks! It sounds as though she’s actually doing pretty well so far. Fingers crossed!

  81. JDC*

    Has a Covid test yesterday. That felt fun. She said 24-48 hours I’ve been having an on and off fever for a week. Maybe a cough but I also had six months of sinus infections prior to this so could be residual.

    Looks like two packages I ordered are lost. I have more last packages than anyone and it isn’t limited to any one shipping service. I’m freaking exhausted with it. Especially as both took a month before they shipped as it was.

    1. nep*

      Hoping for a negative for you.
      I’m scheduled to be tested next Wed morning.
      Whenever I’m feeling not great, I touch my forehead…Up to now it’s always felt very normal, not warm at all. Just in the past hour or two, feeling a little warmer than usual. Might be my imagination because I’m not feeling great. Going to take my temp and see.
      Best of health to all.

      2. nep*

        Damn–our thermometer’s not working and of course none in stock in nearby stores. Oh well. I reckon if things get bad enough I could at least go somewhere and have my temperature checked.

      3. Jdc*

        Called today with a negative result. Of course it doesn’t address my fever and fatigue. I think with covid they are focusing on that so now I’m left wondering what is going on with my actual symptoms.

    2. tangerineRose*

      For the lost packages, could this be caused by porch pirates? Putting a camera (even a fake one) out might help.

      1. Jdc*

        Nope. They don’t even make it to my house. Lost at one of the facilities it goes through.

  82. I'm A Little Teapot*

    The last couple weeks have been interesting on the cat front. On the 5th, I took kitty Jill to the vet and she was diagnosed with cancer, she stopped eating and then died on Friday (8th). Since then, kitty Arwen has been down. She does not like being the only kitty in the house. Well, I decided to contact the shelter and see if I could arrange to meet one of the cats they have. They’re only doing zoom intros right now. I understand it, but that just isn’t going to work for me. I have to meet the cat. I’m picking based on personality, not looks. Can’t get that via video chat. So poor Arwen is likely going to stay lonely for a while. I’m hoping the shelter will be opening with precautions in the next couple weeks so I can try to find a new kitty.

    1. nep*

      So sorry for your loss. And I hope Arwen will be better soon. Hope you’ll be able to get her a companion soon.

    2. allathian*

      So sorry for your loss. I hope Arwen recovers soon. Cats miss their friends. About 20 years ago my parents adopted two kittens from the same litter. About 4 years ago one of them got sick and his condition deteriorated very quickly, so they had to have him euthanized. The other cat grieved for his life long companion and stopped eating. He was visibly losing weight, so two months later when a chronic issue with his kidneys flared up again, he had to be euthanized, too. They were 16, so quite but not unexceptionally old for a cat.

  83. Kuododi*

    Ok…new subject. I had the left kidney roto-rootered on Thursday to get rid of the kidney stones. I did have trouble maintaining my O2 level while in recovery. I’d be awake for a few minutes, doze off again then immediately the alarms would go off about my O2 drop. They almost kept me overnight but I must have crossed the finish line at the last minute. I’m quite crampy however things are improving as far as resolving symptoms. I’m set for next Thursday to have the temporary shunt removed and get my RT kidney stones lasered. Thanks all for the kind thoughts and words. More news to come.

  84. filosofickle*

    5 things I’m grateful for this week:
    1. My partner, the only person I could possibly be with 24/7 and not need to escape from.
    2. We got lost on a hike and I survived the extra mileage and elevation! (Especially meaningful as I’m still building strength after a calf injury that just.would.not.heal.)
    3. There are so many beautiful trails and redwood forests so close to home we can escape to.
    4. Major props to the family of 5 living downstairs (incl two tweens and a toddler) for staying so chill throughout SIP.
    5. A new batch of hair products. My curly girl experiment is frustrating and time consuming, but a fun distraction.

    What are you grateful for?

    1. filosofickle*

      p.s. The family of 5 lives in a small one bedroom unit. That’s why I’m especially impressed!

    2. Animal worker*

      The weather was nice enough and for a change the wifi reached my back porch, and on my WFH days this week I was able to work on the screened in porch, which was lovely.

    3. Misty*

      1. My dog
      2. My roommates even though they drive me nuts sometimes
      3. A roof over my head
      4. AAM because it gives me a sense of community plus something to do on the weekends (open threads)
      5. Everyone in my personal life whose been emailing me to check in on me. I love receiving emails.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      Great thread! I am grateful for:
      1. Having just started a job that miraculously came my way. Still can’t believe my luck.
      2. Having a cool & rainy week ahead, which will mean I can still cook and bake at home without stifling.
      3. Having feathered friends to enjoy. The birds are back! I wake to juncos & robins, and go to sleep to juncos & robins. I call them the Spring Serenity Soundtrack.
      4. Having regained my reading groove. It has been a while since I could concentrate while reading, but now I am so absorbed in Clifford Simak’s All Flesh is Grass!
      5. Having regained my sewing groove. After sewing masks for friends and neighbors, I am now rediscovering sewing clothing. What a pleasure it is to sew.

    5. allathian*

      Great thread!
      1. My husband and son. I love them both so much and can’t imagine what life would be like without them.
      2. My job. I work for the government and my job is as secure as any job I know of. Having a steady income is something I continue to value highly. I have lived in much less secure circumstances as a freelancer and would not want to go back to that unless it was the only option.
      3. My health, and that of my extended family. I consider myself lucky in that none of us have become (symptomatically) infected with COVID.
      4. My house. We’re not rich by any means, but I’m just so grateful that we’re not trapped in a one bedroom apartment. Instead we have enough space for each of us to work in a different room with doors that can be closed.
      5. My son being back at school. I get more work done during the day, although I must say that he was great at remote learning and his teacher was and is wonderful. But he missed his friends at school and he’s a lot less cranky when he’s home after school than when he was here all day.

  85. Boxes of Photos*

    I’m in the process of scanning several boxes of old family photos, and planning to get the slides scanned by a company that does this. I’m wondering if anyone has suggestions for best options for putting this collection of scanned images on-line so it can be shared with other family members. Thanks in advance!

    1. Lady Alys*

      If you are thinking that your family members might want physical copies of these images, you could look at e.g. Walgreen’s (in the US) for shared albums. I think you could do that with Shutterfly as well, but I have no direct experience.

      If you have the time/inclination to set up a WordPress account, there are many photo gallery plugins you could use. I don’t know how private you could keep the photos that way, though.

      My extended family group has a private Facebook group where we have planned several reunions and share old photos too. FB is irritatingly convenient!

      1. Boxes of Photos*

        Thank you – I know nothing about WordPress but wondered if there might be a way to use it for this.. I’ll look into it…

    2. nnn*

      There’s a website/app called 23 Snaps, which is geared towards sharing family photos with more privacy than facebook et al, and (if this is a consideration) you can order prints etc. directly from the website.

      I have no idea how user-friendly it is for mass upload of scanned photos. I just know that my more privacy-oriented family members use it to share photos of their children with the rest of the family.

  86. Teapot Translator*

    Inspired by fposte’s comment.
    What piece of music (any genre) gives you chills?
    I just listened to the clip fposte shared of Aretha Franklin singing Nessun Dorma and I got chills.

    1. nep*

      Whitney Houston–national anthem I believe 1991…She’s in white track suit.

      Bach/Gounod version of Ave Maria. Kills me. (Tears along with chills, usually.)

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I just listened to Whitney Houston singing the anthem (found on YouTube). chills, chills.
        And it looks just so effortless for her.

    2. Nessun*

      Nessun Dorma has always been one to give me goosebumps (hence user name), and Paul Potts’ version is my favourite – from his original audition. I also adore the music of Nobuo Uematsu, the composer for the Final Fantasy series – Celes Theme in particular is just gorgeous, but anything with the melody he originally used for the crystals gets me right in the feels every time.

        1. Kuododi*

          Oooh! Ode to Joy is magnificent beyond words. There’s a video of this piece being performed in the town square of a small town in Spain. Performance starts with a cellist busking in his full performance tux playing Ode to Joy. The rest of the orchestra took their places to continue the performance. That alone was amazing but the local community choir took their places to round out the performance which was icing on the cake. The video was on YouTube. Hope you can find it as it’s truly worth tracking down. Blessings.

    3. WellRed*

      Might seems silly but Ann Wilson doing Stairway at the Kennedy Center honors. Fronting a band, a big choir. A smaller singing group and just totally commanding it while Led Zeppelin watched.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Alexis Wissenberg’s 1960 (??) Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2 directed by Herbert Von Karajan. Not the video one, but the EMI (was EMI?) recording. The first time I listened to it was on my way back from evening lessons, just when I was questioning my career choice. The first notes shook me, and ten minutes in I was sobbing in silence (this is a three movements, half an hour concert!). I managed to get a lossless rip a few years ago. Too bad it was pulled from the Spotify catalogue.
      Also, Max Richter’s Recomposed. Daniel Hope played it on his last Hope@Home livestream. A new “take” on Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, the mix between classical and modern that I love to hear.

    5. Jedi Squirrel*

      k.d. lang’s “Constant Craving”.

      I actually managed to catch her show a number of years ago. She does one hell of a show. It was awesome!

    6. Jenn*

      I love Disturbed’s cover of “Sound of Silence” – it is so raw. I also love re-watching Susan Boyle’s first appearance on Britain’s Got Talent. Here is this frumpy, dumpy, middle-aged woman that everyone is expecting to make a fool of herself and she absolutely KILLS it. I think I cry every time I watch it.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The Disturbed cover of Sounds of Silence, and also Till Lindemann’s cover of David Bowie’s “Heroes”.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Pretty much anything with a long tenor high note. For instrumentals, the timbre of a cello high note will do it.

      It’s not just the pitch – it’s that level of resonance, I think. There are others, but a good money note will do it just about every time.

    10. D3*

      Nothing! I’ve actually never experienced that.
      I’m also utterly tone deaf. I think the music part of my brain is the weakest part of my brain.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Do you experience frisson from anything else? Art, movies, emotional experiences in real life?

        There’s a significant section of people who just don’t have emotional frisson about anything, and nobody knows why some do & some don’t.

        1. D3*

          Not really? Occasionally with an emotional event like a wedding or a birth I’ll get like a chill. But I don’t know if that’s the same and it’s only been a few times. Less than 10 my whole life. And I’m 50.

    11. Victoria, Please*

      Gabriel’s Oboe. Actually the entire overture from The Mission.

      Rachmaninoff’s Vespers.

      Handel’s Amen chorus.

      Dougie Maclean’s Song for Ireland.

      Aaron Copland’s Fanfare for the Common Man.

      I’m very standard in my taste, I’m afraid.

    12. Lost in the Woods*

      Hillary Hahn’s recording of The Lark Ascending with the London Symphony. It’s the only piece of music that makes me cry no matter how many times I hear it.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I love Hillary! She’s so humble and funny. Her collabs with TwoSet Violin were H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!!

        1. Lost in the Woods*

          …I just spent too much time watching comedy videos about a subject I know nothing about, and I enjoyed every minute of it!

    14. Nervous Nellie*

      Just off the top of my head:

      Rhapsody of a Theme of Thomas Tallis – Ralph Vaughan Williams
      all of Brian Eno’s ambient stuff
      all of Miles Davis ‘Kind of Blue’ album
      Yo-Yo Ma’s first recording of the Bach Solo Cello suites
      Arvo Part – Fratres (almost too intense to listen to – spectacularly cathartic)
      soundtrack from the film Wings of Desire

      Thank you for the Sunday afternoon inspiration! I am going to choose one to listen to while I clean the kitchen.

    15. allathian*

      I need to take a look at that video, I love Aretha Franklin’s voice.
      Other chills:
      Whitney Houston singing pretty much anything, but especially her version of Steve Winwood’s Higher Love
      Melissa Etheridge singing Bring Me Some Water

      Bach: Toccata and Fugue in D minor. I’ve once heard it live in a church concert on a full organ, and it was awesome.

      There are others…

  87. Jane*

    I am having an incredibly difficult two months. Has anyone found a teletherapist during shelter in place? What was that experience like, and do you have any tips? Thanks!

    1. nep*

      So sorry to hear that.
      I don’t have experience with that–just coming in to say hey and I am sending you love.

    2. Misty*

      I actually have my old therapist back and am doing teletherapy with him but for last month I tried to find a new therapist during the pandemic (long story).

      Here’s my advice (if you’re in the USA)
      1. Try looking up your area in psychology today for therapists
      2. Read a lot of profiles
      3. look for a therapist who specializes in what you need (if you’re dealing with something specific like I am dealing with PTSD and anxiety), also read the profiles to get a feel of if they seem like what you’re looking for. Go with your gut feelings
      4. Call a bunch of them and leave messages because they won’t all call you back
      5. If they call back, try to talk to them on the phone for a few minutes to get a feeling for if you may like talking to them

      Teletherapy isn’t as great as in person but it’s not that bad once you get used to it. I thought I was going to hate it but it can actually be kind of helpful and def better than nothing. Keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week.

      1. Fikly*

        Actually, teletherapy can be better for some people. It is for me (I’ve been doing it since long before this).

        Please don’t assume your experience is universal.

        1. Misty*

          Oh sorry, I wasn’t implying that it was universal. I should have put down (based on my experience) but sometimes I forget to put it down after things! Sorry about that!

          1. Fikly*

            Thanks, I appreciate it!

            So, I pretty much can’t read body language regardless, so I prefer formats where it’s more equal in that we both can’t read body language well. Also, my body language, I am told, does not look like most people’s, so mine tends to get misread.

            I’ve done teletherapy both over phone and over video. I don’t really have a preference.

            For me, because I have a ton of chronic health issues, and my mobility is often affected, teletherapy means I can attend much more reliably, because often I would have to cancel just because I was unable to travel.

            Also, I have some really niche issues that it’s unusual to find a therapist who has experience with, so teletherapy means a much larger pool of potential therapists.

            1. Misty*

              “I have some really niche issues that it’s unusual to find a therapist who has experience with, so teletherapy means a much larger pool of potential therapists.”

              That’s a really good reason I didn’t think of! (I’m adding it to my mental list.) When I was a teen, I had an eating disorder and had to commute over an hour to see a therapist who specialized in helping with it.

              Thanks for your perspective, I appreciate it a lot.

        2. Misty*

          Also, if you wanted to share, I’d love to hear what you like about it being video (if that’s what we’re both referring to) better than in person.

          This is based on my experience but I have a harder time with it being video than in person because I can’t read the body language at all which is something I need to rely on a lot in real life social situations. I find it hard sometimes to work on making eye contact in person therefore that’s something I’ve worked on in therapy. When it’s video, I completely don’t look at the screen even though I try to but then I find it really hard to talk because I’m trying to gauge body language. I do fine with talking on the phone and in person but over video, I lose a lot of the context. That improved when I pretend we’re just on a phone call and don’t look at the other person. (Like I look at the camera so it looks like I’m making eye contact but I don’t actually look at the other person.)

          Again, all my comments on this thread and others about therapy have been based on my experiences and I apologize for anything that implied that my one person experience with therapist (or with anything actually!) was universal. As I know everyone has different experiences relating to the world and others.

        3. Misty*

          I thought of some pluses for online/phone after thinking about it also:
          – access it almost anywhere with wifi or phone data and at any time (that your appointment is of course)
          – no commute so save on gas money therefore lower cost as you just need to pay copays (if you have one)
          – if you live far or don’t have transportation or can’t drive, you can access it easier
          – fits in schedule easier due to no commute/not having to leave your house or car or wherever your wifi is
          – no anxiety about running into people in the waiting rooms
          – no anxiety about showing up too early or too late

          The downsides I’ve found is mainly this (based on my experience alone):
          – hard to read body language (may not be an issue for other people as this is a big thing for me and a reason I don’t skype, zoom, or use any social media besides email)
          – wifi connection (if you live somewhere without steady access)
          – roommates (big one for me personally as I have 6 other roommates)

        4. SpedTeacher*

          When Misty said “here’s my advice,” I assumed she was speaking about her own experiences and how she felt about teletherapy, not how everyone should feel about it.

    3. Natalie*

      I have. I just had one session so I don’t have a ton of opinions yet, but it was tolerable. I got a referral from the couples counselor we see, who gave my husband a stellar referral earlier this year. The virtualness was fine. Definitely not my preference beyond the convenience factor, but I can live with it for a month or two.

      The telemedicine platform matters a lot – I just did a peds appointment with my daughter on a worse platform that forced split screen and muted the provider every time my daughter made a noise, which was constantly since she’s a month old.

    4. chi chan*

      Ask your insurance or EAP for recommendations. I got an email from my insurance reminding me that they cover a certain number of sessions. My therapist did sessions over zoom and I found it helpful to write down a list of things I wanted to discuss so I wouldn’t forget during the session. Also my therapist would still pick up a ton of my gestures and expressions. I found it really helpful.

  88. MissDisplaced*

    Trying to remember a book: A question for the commentariat

    Been trying to remember this book from my youth. I believe it was a young adult novel. Something about a mixed group of urban kids who get swept into a forest, and the one is actually a king in that realm?

    >Sort of had a “The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe” feeling to it, but set in perhaps the late 1970’s
    [I know it was like that because it was right around the time I read the Narnia series and I picked it up at the library because it was similar in some ways.]
    >Definitely it had something to do with a forest and trees? Through a magical doorway in a tree?
    >I think it was about a troubled girl, and boy and his younger brother. The boy and younger brother were African-American, and there was something about one of them being a king?
    >Book was probably released in the 1970’s — I remember reading somewhere in late 70’s early 80’s

    Weird how things like that bother you, but you can’t remember the author or event the title. I know it probably an old and forgotten YA book, but who knows? There are lots of readers on here, so maybe someone remembers old novels like Narnia series.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      If nobody can help you here, there is a subreddit called “whatsthatbook”. Link in follow-up comment.

    2. Anonnington*

      It sounds like a Zilpha Keatley Snyder book. That might not be the right author, but it’s one to consider. She wrote young adult books where fantasy meets modern American life.

        1. Anonnington*

          Yes! It’s like a combination of The Egypt Game and other books of hers that I read. She was one of my favorite authors when I was a kid.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      I seem to recall the book may have won an award, I think I remember a “seal” on the cover. So maybe that’s an avenue to research too.

    4. HBJ*

      Goodreads has a group (forum) called “What’s the Name of that Book???” Super helpful. I had a book identified that I didn’t even remember the plot of correctly within 24 hours.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve looked at some of the Goodreads lists.
      I think it may be:
      Red Moon and Black Mountain
      (Vandarei #1). by Joy Chant

      But I’m still not quite sure. The description kind of sounds like it, I remember a very complex story, but other parts don’t sound like it at all.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        Might also be
        A Walk Out of the World
        by Ruth Nichols

        Drop a note if anyone has read either of them.

  89. I killed 3 ducks. Oh no.*

    Went to my volunteer job at a farm today and on my way home got a phone call that I apparently ran over and killed 3 of the owner’s ducks. How in the heck can you run over 3 large ducks and not be aware of it?

    So I’m traumatized, embarrassed and sad all at the same time and have no energy or will to do anything but sit here and surf my computer. Not looking for sympathy or anything (what a dumb thing to do – – maybe they were under my car when I started it up as I seldom check under there unless one of the ducks is closeby) but wanted to get it off my chest by writing this down.

    I hope they don’t ban me from the farm. :-(

    2. nep*

      I’m so sorry. Not much consolation, but seems like one of those things only time, deep breaths, and self-love and self-forgiveness will heal.
      The fact that it happened means it could have happened to anyone.
      Please be kind to yourself.
      Peace

    3. lazy intellectual*

      First of all, this sounds like an honest mistake – you are not a bad person and I hope you keep remembering that.

      However, is there a possibility that this didn’t actually happen? Did they see you do it? Were you the only person driving by their farm that day?

      The neighborhood grew up in had ducks/ducklings. I have on more than one occasion seen cars run over ducklings without realizing it. (Despite this, I think I turned out alright?) But I think they DEFINITELY would have noticed if it was a large, grown duck.

    4. juliebulie*

      Are they sure it was you? Do you see any evidence of this on your car?

      If you weren’t aware of it, then it must be a very easy mistake to make. Please don’t beat yourself up.

    5. Anonnington*

      Please check your car for evidence. Given the number of ducks mentioned, there should be something.

      It sounds really unlikely that someone would run over more than one duck without realizing it. I’m imagining a huge, elevated pickup truck, really small ducks, maybe a muddy dirt road with lots of rocks clinking around and mud splashing, maybe blaring loud music . . . does that sound about right?

      I would be questioning the entire thing – whether it really happened and why you were accused.

      Is it possible that someone else ran over the ducks and then blamed it on you?

      1. Not A Manager*

        I agree with this. If you ran over a bunch of ducks, wouldn’t there be… duck debris all over your car?

    6. I killed 3 ducks. Oh no.*

      Thank you so much to everyone for your uplifting comments. This AAM commentariat is the best! (and thanks for letting me go anon for this).

    7. Sunset Maple*

      Seems unlikely that you killed that many without noticing. Check your undercarriage.

      Also, not as uncommon as you might think. I have a rural commute, and many farms allow their fowl to roam as pest control. I see someone pulled over paying for a squashed guinea hen or duck at least once a month.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Wait. In your area, if someone allows their farm animals to roam on the streets, then you have to compensate them if you hit their animal? No wonder they let their animals roam.

        1. Sunset Maple*

          There are multiple farms that existed before the back roads here, so the government seized some of their land and roads now split their properties. It’s inconvenient for the farmers and for motorists, so really nobody wins.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      As others have said there are usually feathers. Perhaps you can ask a friend to help you check under your car.

      In thinking about this, I could feel a bump when I ran over an already dead squirrel. (I did not mean to, but I could not go out around it.) Flatten previously, so small bump. But I could still feel it. The ducks, yeah, you’d definitely feel it and know something was very wrong. And there would be noise, it would not be quiet.

      There is no way you could hit three ducks and not know it. If they were under your car when you got in, you probably would have noticed at least one of them.

      I don’t know what happened to the ducks but I feel 99% certain that you did not do it. Around here we have a few nasty people who will aim at animals in the road just for sport. Perhaps someone hit the ducks right after you left, so it looked like you did it.

      I hope you get to keep your job. And I hope this situation settles down and the owner finds the real culprit.

      1. Misty*

        +1

        I also don’t believe that OP of this thread ran over the ducks! I don’t know… my gut just says no.

        1. Anonnington*

          I agree. I’m envisioning someone else blaming it on OP. Someone closer to the owners (friend, relative, employee). Someone who would see OP as a stranger to conveniently pin it on.

  90. Foreign Octopus*

    TW: sexual assault

    I just experienced something that’s never happened before.

    A conversation was taking place around me about sexual assault and harassment; it was filled with antiquated ideas and approaches like we need to teach the child to defend herself rather than make the environment safe by teaching people not to attack, harass, and abuse, whilst also discussing how these things happened in the past but their generation just dealt with it because shit happens. The thing that really made it truly awful for me was that my mother used my sexual assault (not rape, more along the lines of unwanted kissing and touching) by my godfather when I was thirteen and then again when I was eighteen as just a casual conversation piece. It was a horrible conversation to listen to and I found myself frozen, not sure of how to respond. I just sat there, and I felt myself retreat into myself before I plastered on a smile and excused myself for a glass of water.

    I went into a separate room and just doubled over myself and started crying. This has never, ever happened before and I don’t know exactly what happened. I didn’t think that the assault had affected me that badly, it’s been seventeen and twelve years since it happened, but it was like my strings had been cut. I’ve spoken to my mother since and told her not to mention the assault to anyone again – she was talking to friends of hers that had visited (I’m in Spain, different rules with the lockdown where I am) – and then told her how much it had hurt me to have her bandy it about like that. I know I have a few unresolved issues around how my parents handled it – treated it like a joke (oh, that’s just Uncle Dave), laughed about leaving me alone with him at my grandmother’s funeral when I was eighteen despite me explicitly asking them not to, and then dismissing my voice the times I brought it up afterwards – I don’t know if it’s sank into my mother yet that this is a serious matter for me. She knows that she messed up because I think my father spoke with her after the friends left – he found me crying in the living room – and she was quiet when I came back from a walk with my dog but she didn’t actually apologise. She just said that she was an awful mother, which I pointed out was a manipulative statement, outside of this one thing, we have a brilliant relationship.

    All those issues to one side, I’ve never experienced that sort of visceral reaction before to talk about sexual assault or my own assault. I don’t know what to call it and was hoping that someone here might have a name so that I can search out online resources to help me manage it, or at least try to avoid it happening again.

    So, if anyone can put a name to what happened to me this afternoon, I would really appreciate it.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      flashback maybe?

      I’m sorry. Your parents handled it badly all those years ago. The fact that there were 2 incidents is inexcusable. You were a child, you should have been protected, and your parents failed you badly then. Trauma can pop up years later, in odd ways. Be gentle to yourself.

    2. juliebulie*

      What happened to you sounds horrible, and having to listen to that conversation must have been torture. I’m sorry.

      I don’t know what that’s called. A flashback? A post-traumatic stress reaction of some kind? Paralyzed with unresolved anger? Whatever it was, no doubt it was made much worse by the fact that it was your mother blithely opining on the very subject on which she failed you so badly. It is enraging.

    3. Misty*

      I have PTSD. This is what parts of having PTSD feels like (in my experience) a lot of the times.

      2. Blueberry*

        This, definitely. Foreign Octopus, I am so sorry that you underwent that. I send you all sympathy.

      3. Marvel*

        I also have PTSD and yeah, this sounds like a state of hyperarousal associated with PTSD.

    4. Anonnington*

      That’s horrible. Your mother’s entire reaction to what happened is abusive.

      I’ve been through similar stuff and have also had moments where I broke down crying like you described. Getting away from all of the people involved made a huge difference. So did being objective about it and holding people responsible for their actions.

      Can you get away from your mother? Can you take any kind of action, such as reporting the incident to the police? You shouldn’t be bearing the burden for this; the adults should be held responsible. Your mother basically enabled an assault on her own child. Your reaction is completely appropriate.

    5. Choggy*

      Have you ever spoken with anyone about what happened to you where you felt supported and heard? I don’t care where you are from, if someone made you feel uncomfortable by something they did, said, whatever, it’s your right to feel that way! I hate that your parents had the reaction they did, and treated it as a joke, YOU did not feel that way, not at thirteen and not at eighteen. I’m sorry this happened to you and keeps happening, and hope you can find the right resource to give you the outlet and tools you need to be able to make your parents understand how they did not support you when you needed them.

    6. Jules the First*

      Hey Foreign Octopus,
      I’m sorry this happened to you. Lockdown has a way of (re)surfacing trauma we’ve been successfully dealing with for ages in ways that make it suddenly much harder to cope with. It’s like when the garden hose seems fine when you first turn the water on and then you turn the water on full and suddenly there are pinhole leaks shooting needles of water in your face. If you have a way to access a therapist, please do; if you can’t access a therapist, the next best option is a sexual assault advice line or your regular doctor. At a minimum you need someone not involved in the situation who will listen while you talk out how you feel, someone who isn’t going to try and fix it.

      None of this means you are not ok, or that this is likely to happen to you again any time soon – please try not to be too hard on yourself for reacting. One of the crappiest things about being a survivor is that every so often the world will kick something up that will push all of your buttons and make you fall apart. The goal is not to not have those moments (that’s just setting yourself up to fail); the goal is to have ways of putting yourself back together afterwards. My therapist suggested that I put together a “first aid kit” for when I find myself emotionally ill-equipped and I found the act of assembling a few things (kleenex, my favourite scents, a stim toy, a copy of a favourite book, my favourite tea) and coming up with a plan (as simple as the phrase to use to excuse myself, and a plan for coping activities to help me feel safe while I’m emotionally vulnerable) to be immensely helpful in feeling like I am in control even when things feel uncontrollable.

      1. Misty*

        “The goal is not to not have those moments (that’s just setting yourself up to fail); the goal is to have ways of putting yourself back together afterwards”

        That’s a really good thing to keep in mind. I like that.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        Foreign Octopus, so sorry you had these experiences: the original two with your godfather and your mother’s subsequent extreme lack of sensitivity.
        +1 to Misty’s comment about Jules the First’s comment: being able to regain balance when memories of a past trauma are revived. Unfortunately, this is a good skill to have in many areas of life. I’m not saying this dismissively as in “oh well stuff happens” — I’m saying that although bad experiences will happen, we can develop self-care and others-care skills to help us respond.

    7. Lynn*

      Shit happens is a bullshit excuse. We used to allow marital rape, smoking was considered healthy, parents and educators used corporal punishment freely. That never makes acts of violence acceptable. I’m sorry that happened to you.

      Your mom is likely trying to rid herself of the guilt and shame she feels about having hurt you. Annoyingly, she should be owning those feelings and not trying to deflect. I’m sorry.

    8. TexasRose*

      Dear Foreign Octopus, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Good thoughts and good wishes to you, and a quick path to finding the help you need (virtual or IRL).

      You were molested by your godfather, and that is not right. I think what no one has pointed out yet, is that you were repeatedly BETRAYED by your mother: she minimized your trauma the first time; she laughed at you and set up the situation to allow the harm to be done to you again at the funeral; and now she has co-opted your traumatic story to bolster her story-line of “just suck it up, girls; it ain’t that bad”.

      You asked for some suggestions:
      1. Read about narcissists, especially about mothers. I am not trying to diagnose from your brief descriptions, but you may find some resonance with that literature (or at least some vocabulary to describe some of your mother’s behavior).
      2. Pop over to Captain Awkward (dot com) and read some of her letters about dealing with difficult mothers, about setting boundaries, about dealing with difficult conversations, and about “not taking sides.”

      Good luck, and be gentle with yourself.

    9. ..Kat..*

      It sounds like something that was said echoed what you were told when you were a defenseless child and that brought it all back. And how the adults talked to you and treated you – as if it would be funny to leave you alone with your assailant and not protecting you. I think you became that scared, defenseless little girl again. It doesn’t help that these are scary times right now. These flashbacks can pop up decades later, after we think we’ve gotten past it.

      I’m sorry you had to go through this. Can you check out therapy? Or even just google ptsd flashback therapy?

      Virtual hugs if you want them.

    10. Lyra*

      I agree with the commenter who said your mother betrayed you. I know people have suggested other names for this, but honestly I would frame it as ‘a normal reaction to being hurt and having your trust betrayed by a person who is meant to protect you.’ I don’t think there is anything wrong with you for reacting this way. I don’t even feel like this needs to be said, but I’ll say it anyway: it was incredibly wrong for your mother to use the deeply personal story of your sexual assault to bolster her argument for why sexual assault shouldn’t be taken seriously.

      1. Misty*

        “I would frame it as ‘a normal reaction to being hurt and having your trust betrayed by a person who is meant to protect you.’”

        Yes, this is amazing advice.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      The common thread here is the attitude of “shit happens”- your mother minimizing what happened to you and now these people minimizing what happened to others. It’s the same thing but in different settings.
      Understandably, your brain chained (linked) all this stuff together, put it all in one pot and turned the heat way up on the stove. Makes sense.

      Respectfully, I would suggest that you and your mother do not have that brilliant a relationship as the One Thing that is wrong is an Epic Fail. She totally and completely failed to protect you when you needed it. Granted, this is your relationship and you can carry on as you wish. However, you may wish to double check to see if you honestly believe that you and your mother have a brilliant relationship. You now may have gathered enough information to realize you can no longer accept this as true anymore.

      As gently as possible, I am not sure avoiding these emotions is the way out of this flashback problem.

      I read something that applies to my life that I would like to share. I don’t have a physical abuse component to my story but my mother had verbal stuff and neglect going on. I told myself to get over it and move on. This worked for a while. I got into my 30s and I started having panic attacks. I kept reading stuff because I knew I was in trouble. I read few books on mother-daughter relationships. I learned that women who privately feel their mothers did not take care of them can have panic attacks later on in life. BTW, it starts in the 30s for a lot of people.
      huh. So now I am aware that there is that boomerang that comes back decades later. We can make ourselves move on, but we can sometimes still get hit by the stuff that happened growing up. Drawing on my own experience, I think that it took that long for my feelings to spill out all over the place because I did not realize how much her failures hurt me. I did not realize the extent of her failures, the more the years went by and I saw how other mothers behaved I realized All That She Did Not Do (insert huge list here).
      Instead of my upset getting smaller, it grew larger. And larger. Because I finally understood the very wide scope of her failure.
      I think you might see something in this regarding your own life, but maybe not. I am just throwing this out there.

  91. Something Blue*

    Hi! I have a screwdriver question.

    I ordered a bookcase to put together and I’m finding that the pre-made holes don’t really go down far enough for the screws.
    I’m using a Philips screwdriver but can only get the screws about half way into the particle board “wood.””

    So I was thinking I needed something with a little power to help me push the screws farther in and maybe an automatic screwdriver would help.

    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    1. Jdc*

      An electric screwdriver basically a little drill is what you need. About $20 at Lowes.

    2. Llellayena*

      A premade, particleboard shelf should not need a power screwdriver. I probably wouldn’t use one on the chance it will crush/shred/ruin the particleboard. However, you can drill the hole deeper. Use a drill bit that is only as wide as the solid shaft of the screw (not as wide as the threads) or a little smaller. That should reduce the effort a bit when using the screwdriver.

    3. Red Sky*

      Automatic screwdrivers don’t really have much more power. A drill would be your best bet, either to sink the pilot holes a bit farther in or use with a Phillips bit for more power when screwing in the screws. If you’re going to lengthen the pilot holes, make sure to use a bit that is slightly smaller in diameter than the screw’s shank.

    4. Pennyworth*

      If it is particle board you should be able to finish screwing them in by pushing very hard at the same time as you turn the screw driver. You just need to apply enough pressure to force the screw to bite into the undrilled section.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      If you can afford it, a cordless drill with a “clutch” chuck and a lithium ion battery is a dream tool you will treasure for years to come. Otherwise, a beefy screwdriver with a big handle may give you more leverage. I agree with drilling out bigger pilot holes and leaning down into the screws.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I just bought a Ryobi (sounds like Rye-oh-bee) cordless screw driver (and other pieces) at Lowes and I am very happy with it. There are other brands to chose from, I am sure they are fine also. My friend uses Ryobi so that why I went with the brand.

        You get a charging system and there are many other tools which use the same system. I have a flashlight, saw, drill and cordless driver in my set. You can get bigger batteries that last longer. This is actually kind of fun stuff.

    6. Something Blue*

      Thanks, everyone!

      I’ve been trying pushing in the screws while turning the driver and it just doesn’t go in further on one hole. And in the next hole the screwdriver keeps slipping around like it can’t “grab” the screw.

      It’s so frustrating. I’ve put furniture together before but I’ve never had a project where the pieces just didn’t work.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        There may be a metal joint behind the screw in the first one. You may need a THICKER philips in the second one or the screw may be stripped now and you may need a new screw. I hope today goes better!

    1. Llellayena*

      Play the song “When I’m Sixty-four” as loud as you can stand and dance together around the living room!

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        And follow that up with Paul McCartney rocking it live with the Beatles song Happy Birthday, available on YouTube. Great dance tune.

    3. Frankie Bergstein*

      The hubby has a birthday this coming Tuesday. I did a present (subscription for beer), card, scheduled a Zoom call for friends and family to drop in and say hi/wish him, and we’re going to eat his favorite foods at home then go on a very long socially distanced walk with the canine creature.

  93. nep*

    Anyone have ‘phonesoap’–UV sanitizer for the phone? Even outside of the pandemic, our phones are so filthy. If it can help eliminate even some of the germs, I’d be happy.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I use regular soap on my phone. I just avoid holding it under the faucet and dab at it with a soap and then rinse it with a damp paper towel. That works fine for me.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      I use an alcohol wipe. I’ve also been using speakerphone all the time so I can avoid holding it near my face.

      But I’ve been thinking about getting one of those UV sanitizers! They use them in barber shops and hair salons.

      1. Jdc*

        If anyone has a screen protector avoid pure alcohol. It will cloud and ruin the screen protector if it’s not the glass kind.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I use the same disinfectant spray I use for my wallet & keys, and leave them sit.

      I’d be extremely leery of shelling out money for a new gadget that’s being marketed with corona fear. UV isn’t somehow magically better than regular soap or disinfectant. And is there reliable testing that proves it actually does anything?

      1. fhqwhgads*

        It’s not new. It was on Shark Tank several years ago and supposedly has been lab-tested. It’s mostly useful if your phone is not water resistant. Mine is IPX8 so I have no concerns about cleaning mine with wet disinfectant, but if someone has a phone that doesn’t play nice with moisture (or if you’d rather save your disinfectant for surfaces and other objects), it’s a reasonable – if pricey – option.

      2. Disco Janet*

        Yep, it has been through thorough testing and checks out. And it’s not new – I bought one for my husband two years ago because he’s very Squamish about phone germs. It works great! Much better than using harsh cleaning chemicals on your phone.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Apparently they are using portable UV units to clean public areas in China. A few weeks ago, I found an article (with pics) that shows the process. I guess UVC is the most effective. But this stuff kills humans also. I kind of pictured it like putting ourselves in a microwave.

        I don’t know how the UV would do with electronics.

    5. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I use those glasses cleaning wipes or wipe it with a damp soapy dish cloth. Sometimes I also spritz it with disinfectant when I come home from the supermarket. But YMMV – my phone is water resistant and in a silicone case with a glass screen protector so it’s a bit more resilient to possible water damage.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      I have it. It’s awesome! I’ve had it for like two years. I highly recommend!

    7. Coco*

      I received one from Christmas last year. I don’t remember to use it too often and I have to admit I feel better? Cleaner? Using a little hand sanitizer or a wipe. I think it is the act of wiping that makes me feel like I’m cleaning more than putting the phone in a case with lights. But it def doesn’t hurt the phone.

  94. WoodswomanWrites*

    My 92-year-old mom lives a short drive from me in a retirement community, and with the lockdown I really miss seeing her. Other than some short-term memory issues, understandable at her age, she is doing amazingly well and lives independently in her own apartment. Her building locked down early in the pandemic and fortunately everyone there is is safe. They’re allowed to move around the building wearing masks and distancing but are avoiding gatherings. Since they can’t eat in the dining room, she gets all her meals brought to her apartment and she says it’s like being in a resort, a great attitude.

    She gets an injection in her eye every two months to preserve her vision, and yesterday I took her to her appointment. The only other time I’ve seen her was when I took her to her last appointment. It was just so short, a masked ride in the car and picking her up when she was done, slathering on hand sanitizer. She asked me to hold her hand to help her get out of the car and I could feel my heart jump. It’s the first time I’ve had physical contact with anyone in months.

    We talk on the phone and my siblings (who live far away) and I have taught her to video chat, but I so miss her company in person. She is the last one alive of her generation, and I’m aware of how precious time is. I find myself silently wishing that she can hang on until we are once again allowed to visit.

    Living alone, I’m doing okay with not seeing other people in person at work or socially, but this one is really hard. For others with aging relatives you’re close to, I’m thinking of you during this challenging time.

    1. nep*

      Thanks for sharing this. Your account of when she asked for your hand–wow.
      Best of health to you and her.

    2. Anono-me*

      What a poignant post. (Except for the part about the eye injection.) I hope you have lots more memories and hugs to share with your mom in the future.

      A lot of people around here are doing ‘window visits’. They’re not nearly as good as a regular visit, but they’re much better than a screen visit. Maybe the residence team could help facilitate something like that. (One person stays in their home and sits by a window on the ground floor, the visitor sits outside the same window in a lawn chair and everybody talks on their cell phone. )

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I appreciate your suggestion. My mom’s building is decades old and a fortress. Unfortunately, there are no windows on the ground floor that are accessible from the outside. They’re all behind a wall.

  95. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I’m in a FB group and read a post about a woman who was featured in a tabloid paper upset about her gym experience due to insecurity. It started a discussion about insecurities and fitness etc. Reading through it and participating in that discussion just made me miss my regular gym experience. Yes, I can do walks outside and stuff at home but I miss the regular experience I used to have, before COVID, before I got pregnant and before life things took over. And I think for those of us who are taking this as a reality and doing modifications or still SIP, we’re at the point where we miss something from pre-COVID days, kwim?

    I’ve always been overweight all my life, but just smaller at some times than others. Exercised in my college gym and afterwards when I couldn’t afford a gym membership, I would youtube or buy DVDs and work out at home and aside from that just stayed active, walking a lot, etc. Never did much with diet lol. 

    I think the last time I had a moment that kicked my ass into gear was in 2013 when I was let go from a temp position. I had no job, little money and lots of free time so I joined a gym (Planet fitness, $10/month) and started going regularly. Later that year, moved to a new neighborhood that had a popular pedestrian path for cyclists and runners and took advantage of that. Was in the best shape of my life that year. Would go out with friends and be able to walk 30 blocks in sandals and be comfortable. (I can’t imagine doing that today!)

    Then for the next few years I had my FT job, would stop exercising during tax season, get back into it in the off season etc. Incorporated weights, experimented with classes like spin etc, would be up at 4 AM to go before work, sometimes during work hours etc. 

    Then…. somehow in late 2017, I started getting weird leg pain. The best way to describe it would be that if you go from a sedentary lifestyle to pushing yourself to walk a little more, you’d get a dull ache but it went away eventually when your body got used to it. Except this never went away. Then my dad died, and I definitely believe that emotional trauma manifested itself in physical ways. It was never anything severe, but it was to teh point that daily life was uncomfortable. Stopped going to the gym, and the few times I did I was wracked with so much insecurity that it was never a productive trip. Became more sedentary and just got in to this cycle.

    Last fall, I finally started PT and things were looking up. started counting my steps. and then I went on vacation and a week away un-did 6 weeks of work and then I found out I was pregnant. And well 2020 has been 2020. 

    I never kept track of my weight or measurements, so all I have to measure are pictures and really just memories. 
      
    Mentally I feel OK, I’m not depressed or upset, but physically I just feel uncomfortable–mostly back pain which I have been told is very normal for this stage of pregnancy (3rd trimester). I saw my orthopedic Dr a few weeks ago and he wrote me a new Rx for physical therapy and my first appt is this week. I’m optimistic as I know it helped last time — it’s just a matter of consistency and practice. I’m excited to go back to a full workout routine as soon as I can, I anticipate October or so. If I had just lost my job and COVID wasn’t happening I’d most likely be pushing myself to go to the gym until I got back into the momentum of it. I just miss the little things, getting my outfit ready, seeing improvements, feeling progression etc.

    Not looking for medical advice, just thinking out loud about stuff. 

    1. Analyst Editor*

      I definitely feel you with regards to the gym insecurity. My husband tried to get me to weight-lift and I did it maybe twice and never again; generally not a fan of being judged by random people for doing it wrong.
      I didn’t feel the same judgment while on the elliptical, which is what I did when I was pregnant the first time.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’ts funny because I never felt the judgment when I first began working out, just in these last few years when I packed on more weight.

        When I was in college, there was an old man there who would lecture me on what exercises I should do. I would just nod along, of course I’m a college kid I can’t say much. (plus I was an employee there so there was that). I’m so glad that 15 or so years later, the general culture is “MYOB” unless you see someone literally about to get hurt. or if someone asks you you help, but it’s generally against gym etiquette to record or harass people.

        I was discussing this earlier that people so easily throw around “go to the gym, and eat right” as advice but there are like a million and one ways to reach that. And that’s the hard part, knowing what you like to do and works for you.

    2. purple panda*

      if you don’t mind walking, doing 6 miles/day with baby is straightforward: 3 2-miles walks. My baby loved going for walks.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m looking forward to taking baby out on walks. I’ll have about 2 or so good months to do that before the weather turns cold/snowy. God help me I hope things are better by then!

    3. J.B.*

      I’m glad you are going to physical therapy. For me, back and leg pain are connected. I also found that I could use appointments to keep me accountable for some workouts.

      There are a lot of exercises you can do with stretchy bands and smallish dumbbells. I hope you can get into a routine that works for you, plus if there are any classes you particularly like (or stroller strides) a lot of studios have been offering on demand.

  96. Jedi Squirrel*

    Anybody have a top secret ingredient for egg salad? I just made some (I seem to be craving eggs now, so there’s at least that).

    I just used mayo (we can get Duke’s here), Dijon mustard, sweet pickle relish, paprika, salt, and pepper. I don’t have any celery to add in. It was good, but can it be great?

    2. Ranon*

      Chopped loveage and tarragon is pretty great- really any kind of fresh herb (dill, parsley) will up the flavor factor

      1. Canuck girl*

        Seconding dill here. Also used green onion in one version I tried, was pretty good.

    4. Lockstep*

      I add red onion for crunch and taste and I substitute Cayenne pepper for the paprika.

      I like it spicy.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband likes his with a bit of avocado mashed in. I usually just use mayo and garlic salt myself, but sometimes I add a bit of chopped bacon.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I used to keep it simple with salt pepper and cumin seasoning or cumin seeds.

    12. PX*

      I dont see any acid there, and for me I love a bit of tang in any kind of mayo based sauce, so I would be adding a splash of vinegar or lemon as well. And for me no salad is complete without cucumber, so that would be my go to vegetable, although slices of red bell pepper are good as well.

    17. Nervous Nellie*

      I make egg salad every Sunday so I can have toasted egg salad sandwiches for breakfast every day. I have three variations that I keep on rotation. I like hot chilies in all forms, so my three secret ingredient variations are: chili flakes, diced pickled jalapenos or South African peri-peri sauce.

      Less top secret but still yum – diced cooked gourmet hot dogs or pepperoni slices, and Kewpie Japanese mayo, which tastes eggier than eggs! Ok, now I am hungry…..

      1. JediSquirrel*

        I have always been curious about Kewpie mayo. I may have to get some soon!

        And again, thanks everyone for the great suggestions. Maybe I should do a series of YouTube videos: 52 weeks of egg salad! Lol!

  97. Zwift question*

    Has anyone tried Zwift on their bike? I have a mechanical bike trainer but have a power meter on my bike. It seems very competitive and I’m slower than molasses, and probably at this point, have low power. But does it really work with a mechanical bike trainer? Is the set up as straightforward as they make it seem? Will it help motivate me? In the last few weeks I’ve totally lost my exercise motivation and need to try something different. The online workout videos with their fake cheerfulness just tend to grate on me.

    1. LGC*

      As someone who reads DC Rainmaker way too much for his own good (I appreciate reading about bonkers bike tech, sue me): I think it depends on your specific model of trainer whether it’ll connect. But I think that if you can connect either the trainer or the power meter to the device you’re using for Zwift (like your computer or Apple TV), it should work?

      Also, it has different divisions for different levels. I guess the best comparison is…actually, a more conventional online game like Overwatch or League of Legends. Both of those have professional leagues (LoL’s faded into the background a bit in the past couple of years), but you’re not usually playing against the pros – you’re more playing against people at your level.

  98. Canuck girl*

    Hey all – a few weeks ago I posted here asking about grocery shopping advice and how to better spend my money. One commenter suggested that I meal plan and treat grocery shopping as getting ingredients for my meal. It TOTALLY WORKED! I am less anxious and less stressed going into the store, I follow my list strictly and have had less food waste. I also have a better regularity to how much I spend every week. My life is better. THANK YOU so much! :)

    Now…I need some financial advice. My work is recalling us laid of folks throughout next week, so yay to regular paycheque at least for now. They’ll also cover 75% of our pay for some of the time we were laid off, so a huge relief. The job is not in the most stable markets, so wrt the longevity of a regular income…we’ll see. I am actively job searching so I am doing all that I can to safeguard myself from another / permanent layoff. And I’ll be getting a decent tax return as well, so all good things, BUT, I also have a few grand (less than 8, but more than 3) on a low interest line of credit. And I am thinking that I use that tax return to put a dent in it. Is that a solid plan? I read a few articles about how to use a tax return and most give the same few options: pay down debts, add to your savings etc. I have an ok emergency fund (2-3 months if sh$t really hits the fan). Has anyone been through this decision making? If so, what did you do? Is there a website/blog that you particularly like?

    1. fposte*

      Financialwisdomforum dot org is the sister forum of my favorite US financial forum, Bogleheads. I think you’d be best looking to a Canadian source because the calculus depends on so many things that are different from the U.S.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Under normal circumstances, I would say pay down debt. In uncertain financial times, I would say build up the emergency fund to 6 months. (This would be Dave Ramsey-type advice.)

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      I love The Simple Dollar. I’d go for the six-month emergency fund in these uncertain times as well.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      Sometimes the advice is to pay down short-term debt before building an emergency fund because you can always tap that line of credit in an emergency. But credit card companies and other short-term lenders can reduce your available credit and leave you without that option. That’s why it’s best right now to build up that emergency fund first.

    5. Canuck girl*

      Hey there – thanks very much for your advice and website recommendations, so appreciated! I am always pleasantly astonished at how much this forum helps me improve my life, in addition to this blog improving my worklife.
      fposte – checked that website and it has a Canadian link to finikipedia, a Canadian financial wikipedia, very neat! Thx! I agree, a Canadian source is needed, will keep reading and googling around. Checked the Simple Dollar and at first glance has great practical tips as well, so thanks My Brain Is Exploding.
      And yes, the trend seems to be (from the brief perusing I’ve done this morning) that amping up that emergency fund may be a priority these days, makes sense, but I def needed that pointed out to me. I have some time before that tax refund arrives, I’m sure I’ll arrive at a good decision of how to use it.

    6. mindovermoneychick*

      Right now I’m telling my clients to prioritize saving over paying off low interest debt. Things are so uncertain right now that cash on hand is the most important thing. I say this knowing that if you have a revolving line of credit you could theoretically just borrow against it in the future if you needed to and save the interest on the time in between.

      But when I’m working with clients for psychological reasons I like them to treat debt as a last resort and not an emergency fund. Over time that leads to less reliance on debt and more interest saved in the long run. This is assuming your debt is on the low side. If we are talking a 19% credit card debt my advice would be different.

      1. Dan*

        “you could theoretically just borrow against it in the future”

        You say theoretically but don’t expand on it. Several years ago, I got divorced and lost my job within a few months of each other, and needless to say there wasn’t a whole lot of cash floating around at that point. I ended up floating my debt on 0% APR balance transfer offers, but when I started doing that will a couple of cards, all of my banks figured that out and starting slashing my lines of credit.

        So in theory, you can use your unsecured lines of credit to float you in an emergency, but in practice? It’s probably best to split the difference and leave some cold hard cash in the bank and assume you can access a portion of your existing line of credit.

    7. Dan*

      I tend to look at things holistically, and working out my what *actual* costs are to carry debt and the opportunity costs for paying it off.

      I’ll play “let it ride” with my low interest debt (of any sort). IMHO, low interest is < 5%. If your interest rates are greater than 10%, then I'd say focus on the higher rate debt. Anything between 5 and 10% is more or less "dealer's choice."

      In your case, if you've got say $5k at 4%, you're paying ~$200/year in interest, or < $20/mo. A $3k (hypothetical) income tax return would cover your interest payments for 15 years. I wouldn't be in any hurry to pay that debt off.

  99. Sunset Maple*

    Has anyone here ever owned skylight shades? Despite mild temperatures, our upstairs is already boiling hot from the sun, to the point that the A/C isn’t strong enough to keep up.

    Browsing for actual skylight window treatments is giving me sticker shock, so I’m wondering if the suction-cup blackout shades or the cling film are realistic or scammy.

    1. Aphrodite*

      What works for me is aluminum foil. Taping foil directly to the glass (dull side out for good neighborly relations) that get the most sun will make the temperature drop by at least ten degrees. Your rooms will stay dark but it is so worth it. If you prefer not to tape directly to the glass then get large pieces of cardboar, perhaps from a mattress store, (sized to fit your windows) and cover those in foil. You can then put them in the windows.

      I tell this to people because it’s a tried-and-true method for me but oddly no one seems to have used it. I like it, though.

      1. university minion*

        I used to live in a place whose rules specifically prohibited the aluminum foil treatment, but they never said anything about bubble wrap! In my current house, I have bubble wrap in the west-facing windows and it does a pretty good job of insulating while letting some light in.

      2. Fikly*

        I once heard of someone whose toddler was up as soon as the sun was up, and in desperation they taped foil to the windows in her nursery. Like magic, toddler slept until a reasonable hour. Sometimes you can outsmart them!

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I’ve actually got the blackout clingfilm! It’s obviously more permanent in that I’m not removing/replacing it daily, so that window stays dark all the time. But I’m fine with that because the skylight is right over my bed, and it’s hard to sleep in the mornings.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I put up a curtain panel using tension rods at the top and bottom. I used a blackout curtain and made a pocket for the rod where the hem was with fabric tape.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My friend is a builder-carpenter. I wanted skylights here and he said “NO! You will regret it!” He has seen too many of them leak.

      Make sure your attic is vented at the gable ends. You might be able to work with fans to push the hot air out the vents. This is stuff an experienced contractor would be best at knowing.

      I got windows with an e-coating here. I love them. The coating blocks the summer sun rays and helps keep the house cooler. In the winter it lets the lower winter sun rays in and I can feel the difference in the glass with the e-coating. It’s much warmer than the glass in my doors which has no coating.

  100. nep*

    I reckon this has been discussed before…I’m seeking a good, light foundation with SPF 15+, blends easily, and doesn’t end up looking caked on. I don’t have a ‘makeup routine’ and don’t wear a lot of makeup, but I do like a foundation that provides protection and evens out the skin tone at the same time. I know that everyone’s skin is different, but I’d be interested in what you have found to work well. (My skin is not particularly dry or oily.)
    And any companies that are good about providing samples? Seems like this should be a no-brainer for foundation–let someone try it out before spending on an entire bottle…

    1. filosofickle*

      I absolutely love the Tarte Amazonian Clay Tinted Moisturizer. In ye olden days you could try it at places like Sephora. (Link to follow.)

      2. nep*

        I would do a punctuation smiley face but even a pandemic and quarantine can’t bring me to do a punctuation face.

    2. Bex*

      I’m a big fan of the Nars tinted moisturizer. It is SPF 30 and evens out my skin tone while still being sheer enough that my freckles still show. Most days I just wear that, mascara, and a little brow wax/powder.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Wait Nars has tinted moisturizer? Huzzah! I love their foundation, but it’s more for evening wear.

        Normally, you could get free samples from Blue Mercury or Sephora. Not sure if this is an option now.

    3. LAMM*

      like IT cosmetics CC cream. SPF 50. Light enough where it doesn’t hide all my freckles (dulls them down a bit, but they’re still visible), but you can layer it up if needed to hide a spot. Use it mostly to even things out. Comes in 12 shades.

      Not cheap (full size is $35, but they do sell travel sizes in select colors), but available at both Sephora and Ulta so you can color match in person if needed

    4. ..Kat..*

      Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. If you can get to Sephora, you can get a small tube of it for about $10.

      1. Canuck girl*

        Seconding this, love Laura Mercier’s tinted moisturizer. Sephora’s online store remained open throughout the pandemic, so it’s a win-win :)

    5. SansaStark*

      I am absolutely in love with the Missha Perfect Cover BB Cream. I get mine from Amazon for about $12 but a ton of sites carry it. The shade range doesn’t go very deep (it’s a Korean brand), so that might be prohibitive, but the shades are very forgiving if you fall within the general range. It’s not heavy but it evens out some redness in my complexion. I have normal skin with the occasional small dry patch.

    6. Coco*

      Bare minerals Complexion Rescue Tinted Hydrating Gel Cream Broad Spectrum SPF 30 is very popular

  101. Selmarie*

    I LOVE Tinted Moisturizer Oil Free. Don’t know about samples. You can use more or less depending on coverage desired. Pricey, but lasts a long time and looks natural.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      What brand do you use?
      I buy the drug store brands that includes sun screen. Neutragena is pretty good.

      1. Selmarie*

        Sorry, just saw this. I didn’t realize I didn’t put the brand in — it’s Laura Mercier.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      If you’re going to splurge on a makeup product, foundation is the thing to splurge on. Save on eyeshadow and other things.
      Plus, while $35 sounds like a lot, a tube or bottle of foundation does last a long time! You only apply a small dollop of it.

  102. Bread baking*

    Adventures in sour dough.
    yeah, I know. I am cliche. But we are out of bread and the last two food deliveries came without.
    the husband keeps looking at the mixer and saying “are you going to make bread”
    First of all we have been married for over thirty years. I have never made bread during the marriage.
    That’s how I know that it has been over thirty years since I last made bread.
    The mixer was a recent pandemic purchase. I would say it was an impulse buy but I had been obsessing about a stand mixer for about a year. It is very pretty and sky blue. And super on sale.
    The sour dough starter came from an artisanal bakery in Brooklyn.
    I justified the purchase as to supporting an independent merchant AND they sent a fabulous loaf of bread along with it.
    So today I decided was the day to bake bread.
    Good news. I read the recipe and knew to feed the starter yesterday for bread baking today.
    Very confident, this morning re-read the recipe. It needs feeding and sitting of 15 hours. No problem, I was up at dawn.
    Feed the starter.
    Very productive day. At 8:00 reread the recipe.
    Uh oh. NOW mix the ingredients and there are three separate 45 minute rests between kneading.
    Here’s what I would have liked. The recipe to say- rest starter overnight. In the morning.
    In fifteen minutes I will knead again.
    Good news is the final resting is in the fridge overnight.
    Will let you know if there is bread on Sunday.

    1. Blueberry*

      Good luck and happy breadbaking!

      Breadbaking is pretty easy but it does take time. King Arthur Flour has put a lot of information about breadmaking in general and sourdough in specific on their webpage.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I am totally sure that my mom used to use a method that didn’t involve so many stages and rests, but I only seem to be able to find very serious artisanal recipes. There is one from a site called don’t waste the crumbs which is a bit less complicated but the loaves I made using that method were a little too sour for my taste. However, at the time I couldn’t get regular flour so I was feeding the starter with oatmeal and trying to stretch what flour I had by using a combination of different things so that might have been part of the issue. I have managed to obtain a supply of flour so I might try it again and see how it goes.

    4. university minion*

      That recipe sounds really similar to the King Arthur no-knead sourdough recipe, which, I’m happy to report, stands up to all sorts of abuse and deviations from the schedule. Good luck!

    5. RagingADHD*

      FYI, you can stick it in the fridge anytime after the first stretch & fold if you want, and start back in the morning.

      Look at the YouTube channel Bake with Jack, he’s got a lot of helpful info about sourdough, and one in particular about fitting it into your schedule.

    6. A Frayed Knot*

      I made croissants this weekend. I love croissants and my grocery store has been out of them for a while, so I decided to try it myself. At least the recipe warned me that the total time, start to finish, is about 14 hours. They were time consuming, but not incredibly labor intensive. They taste wonderful! Next time I’ll freeze some before baking so I can just pop them in the oven and have them warm. An all-around success!

    7. TaDah!*

      The recipe called for the fridge rest to be between 16 and 26 hours!
      So- at 6:15 pm started the oven.
      AND at 8:30 pm there was a beautiful round sour dough bread with a terrific crust! oh, my.
      Must rest after the oven for an hour.
      Told the husband to come back to kitchen at 9:30 and there would be bread and butter.
      All this planning. If this loaf lasts 3 days, I should be feeding the starter again tomorrow and plan for a Wed or Thursday bake.

  103. Generic Name*

    After nearly 3 years of being divorced, I finally threw away my wedding photo album and other memorabilia from my wedding. Please don’t judge me. I had kept it out of a sense of obligation to my son and to my mother (who no doubt would be horrified I threw out the album she spent $300 Or whatever on 20 years ago). I feel great about it. Just had to admit that to someone.

    1. What the What*

      My mom offered hers to me after 20 years of being divorced. She kept it for the same reasons as you. I gladly took it home. I get a kick out of the old photos of my parents looking so young. She was still able to name about 60% of the people in the album! We got a laugh out of that and over the fashion choices of the era. When we went through it together, I was older than she was in that album, and was married myself. We laughed a lot and I admired her dress. She had a lot of negative memories of the wedding and the marriage, and I think looking it over and talking about it with her adult daughter helped her close the book – literally – on all of it. Obviously she hung on longer than you!

      It’s somewhere in storage now. If she had never brought it up, I wouldn’t have yearned for it. I admit, I would throw mine out post haste, in the case of divorce!

    3. LGC*

      How could you do such a thing?

      …you should have set it on fire. ;)

      Okay, but real talk, you did what you needed to, and your mom can probably deal with the loss. (It was $300 that she spent back when Britney Spears was most famous for dressing like a Catholic schoolgirl, I think she can get over it. I find myself measuring time in Britney Spears nowadays, which kind of disturbs me.)

    4. Rebecca*

      I found the box that had my wedding veil in it. It’s in the landfill now. I also found my wedding dress, Mom had it put away in the cedar closet. It’s heading there next. And I still have the wedding photos, but almost everyone in them has passed away, and there are photos I want to keep but they’re going to get “edited” if you know what I mean. Good for you for doing this! It is cathartic.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It’s like coming back from the dead, isn’t it?
      Good for you for reclaiming your life.

    6. Dan*

      Why would be judge?

      I still live in the same place my ex and I shared (we split seven years ago, geeze time flies) and every so often I come across a photo or something stashed in the back of one of the walk in the closet. The other day I found some proofs for the wedding photos, they ended up in the trash without a second thought.)

    7. allathian*

      Good for you! And this is legitimately a thing that falls under “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her”. I seriously doubt your son’s ever going to wonder where your wedding album is, and there’s absolutely no need to tell your mom if you suspect she would be horrified.

  104. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    One of the weird joys of borrowing a lot of online library books is the romance books covers with shirtless males on them. And I’m not talking about eye candy. The badly photoshopped muscles! The badly photoshopped tatoos! The awkwardly held weapons! The historically inaccurate pants! Some of the covers are just hilarious.

    What is a peculiar thing that makes you snicker?

    1. Misty*

      Not book related but I worked at a store where we sold those like 10 inch Reeses Cups. Every time they would get delivered, I would laugh so hard with one of my coworkers. Every. Time. The joy of seeing those delivered never wore off. I don’t know why but we just thought they were hilarious. Customers almost never bought them and we never saw someone buy one for the first three years I worked there so we had a lot of them in the back room.

      Then a customer did buy one. And after the customer left, we couldn’t stop laughing (not at the customer but just at the fact that we finally sold one and saw it sold. Also we did manage to hold in our confusion, shock and laughter until after the purchase and when we were able to escape to the back room.)

      It became a huge joke at my store because me and the other guy thought those Reeses were hilarious and we never got old of it even though I worked there for five years.

    2. Anonnington*

      I won’t lie. I’m still laughing at the official NYC COVID-19 safety guide promoting masturbation. It is safe. It is obviously serious. But the city telling people to masturbate is pretty funny.

      1. Blueberry*

        Hearing that the city I grew up in is officially encouraging people to masturbate makes me very happy.

    3. Turtlewings*

      There’s a website called CoverCafe(.com) where they used to have an annual romance cover competition (they don’t do it anymore, the site’s basically dead, but the archives are still there). One category of the competition was Worst Covers, and oh my goodness, they are hilarious. Every year I would laugh until I cried.

    4. Jules the First*

      I once had a client send out a brief for a new building that required us to add a pubic art consultant to the team. We queried, politely, whether they might have meant a public art consultant, and weirdly the guy doubled down and insisted that whatever it said in the brief was what he wanted. We decided to take it as a sign that we were not the designers he was looking for…

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I moved to Seattle about four months after the Nisqually earthquake, so everyone was still super hung up on earthquake safety, and I got a job on the 19th floor of a downtown building. They had “what to do in an earthquake” posters all over and the last item on the list was “Remember, you can’t save everybody; some people are just going to have a bad day.” And that line, as a piece of life advice, has just randomly popped into my head a million times in the last almost 20 years, and every time it does it gives me gigglefits.

    6. D'Euly*

      A can of soup obtained at the beginning of stay-at-home. It is part of the VEGETARIAN Classics Progresso line. The name of the soup is VEGETARIAN VEGETABLE. It made me laugh so hard that when my husband ate the soup, he cleaned out the can and put it back in the pantry so I would continue to laugh every time I saw it.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        This is amusing, but sometimes customers are trying mightily for whatever reasons–choice, allergy, religion–to avoid soup with a meat/poultry/fish/seafood broth.
        But yes, Heinz has a full line of baked beans including the variety that’s prominently labelled as Vegetarian or Meatless (I forget which).
        Decades ago I ordered a side dish of string beans in a Bob Evans restaurant. They came with chunks of ham! Never in a million years would I have imagined string beans with ham. Other people think differently.
        Okay, discussion distraction is done.

      3. Sunset Maple*

        Vegetarian vegetable soup is made with a tomato base. Regular vegetable soup is made with beef stock.

    7. Buni*

      Where I live we’re a few hundreds yards from the old gasworks. They’re completely dead now, but the huge gasometers are still up. A while back we had a slight remodel and found *pasted inside one of the kitchen cupboards doors*, an old ‘What To Do If You Hear the Alarm’ instruction. It’s a proper ’50s Government Public Notice that was probably handed out to everyone in a half-mile radius, and for some reason we just find it hilarious.

      (The advice starts with ‘get in a room with no / as few windows as possible’ and mentions wet towels along the door gaps, but it basically boils down to the vernacular ‘Put your head between your legs….’).

    8. Lyra*

      Mine is the little pictogram hazard labels, often on large machinery. For example, water heaters often have one depicting a gas can and a pictogram man perishing in a massive blaze above a cloud labeled ‘flammable vapors.’ Forklifts have many pictures of the many things one ought not to do on a forklift.

      It’s hard to explain what makes these so funny to ne. Sometimes the thing depicted is ridiculous, and sometimes it’s just the over the top nature of the illustrations. They certainly get the point across.

    9. Generic Name*

      I grew up in an un-airconditioned house, so every spring my dad would haul window a/c units out of the attic and put them in the windows. The unit that went in the dining room had a warning with pictograph and huge letters that said, “do not allow a/c unit to fall from window”. As a kid I found that endlessly hilarious. As my son would say, no dip.

    10. TechWorker*

      When I was a student I was told a (probably fake? But who knows?) story about a bunch of students who, as a prank, led a cow into a lift in their block of flats. Only… cows can’t walk backwards, so they left it there (poor thing) and it.. died.

      It’s simultaneously absolutely awful (that poor poor cow!) and hilarious.. (can you imagine being the member of staff to discover it?!?!). Now that I write it out in hindsight it sounds mostly awful but for a few years all my housemate had to do was go ‘do you remember the cow in the lift?’ & we’d be laughing.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I like to amuse myself by looking at designer rooms in magazines. I like to list off the ways I can prove that no one ever uses the room.
      –So many pillows on the couch or chair that there is no room to sit down.
      –The great looking coffee table appears to be right up against the couch. No one can sit down.
      –Similarly, the huge footstool is pushed right up against the overstuffed chair. People must fall into the chair and never get out of it?
      –The room is done totally in white and there’s the dog laying on the floor.
      –The hutch shows dishes on display. There is a sugar bowl and creamer on a shelf and nothing else. Each shelf is similar with one or two items. Where are the rest of the dishes?
      –The room is blue and so are all the bindings of the books on the shelf. I guess these people only read books with blue bindings?
      –The pump soap container never has hardened soap on the opening of the spout and there is never a glob on the surface underneath the container.
      –The angle of the tv is such that it is only viewable from one or two chairs. No one else sitting in the room can see the tv screen.
      –The plants are not next to a sunny window.

      The rooms are great to look at though!

      1. Aphrodite*

        Ha! I love this. Maybe we could start an entire discussion on this (next weekend?) for those of us who enjoy home decor magazines/websites?

        Another way you can prove no on ever uses the room: The only books ever seen on either bookshelves or coffee/end tables are huge volumes with titles like “Famous Yemen Gardens of the XIII Century.”

        Now I’m off to amuse myself today and add to the list.

  105. Night anxiety?*

    All day I’m fine but the moment I try to sleep, I feel dizzy, my heart started beating really hard and my thoughts get depressing.

    Does this happen to anyone else? Any tips?

    I keep a night time routine and go to bed early at 8pm every night. I fall asleep fairly quickly but when I wake up to go to the bathroom at night, it happens for a longer period of time. The other night I slept from 8pm until 1am, then had anxiety and cried from 1am until 6am, then I fell back asleep from 6am to 9am. A version of this happens every night just with different timing in the middle.

    If it matters at all, I see a therapist once a week and this night time routine only began a month into the pandemic. It’s been about a month now.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      It’s not unusual for anxiety to ramp up at night. During the day most of us are busy with work or tasks or distractions of all kinds, and at night all of those things go away. Our brains are winding down for rest, but it gives the brain an opening for worry and anxiety to take the fore. Some people (like myself!) find that their anxiety manifests primarily in physical means, because our minds are trying to force the anxiety out in some way and that’s the way it shakes out. The pandemic is raising everyone’s stress and anxiety levels, even without recognizing it. Living in an environment surrounded by distress, and in some places real danger, takes a toll on the psyche. But all of these things can be pushed down by the busy distractions of daytime and only come out at night.

      Discuss with your therapist to see if they have any suggestions, to start with. You could find that journaling and expressing your thoughts and worries lets your brain let go of them and relax. You could find that you need some kind of distraction to help keep you asleep, like white noise or a spoken-word program or something. And sometimes you can get so worried about falling asleep and staying asleep that it ends up giving you anxiety about it, in a self-perpetuating cycle, in which case you might find that you could use a short-term pharmacological solution to help you break the cycle. You might even find that changing up your sleep pattern a little bit, maybe by sleeping in a different bed if it’s possible, is enough to help you out.

      In any case, good luck. You are definitely not alone in this scenario!

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      I call it the 2 am tea party. Practically everyone is going to this party. The first month of the pandemic fully half my patients reported this exact kind of awful insomnia. I’m so sorry. Headspace or Calm sleep stories, rereading a book with characters you know well and find comforting, going to a different part of the house and making herbal tea, any change of scenery that involves giving your brain something else to do but think of more ways for you to worry can defuse things a little bit.

    3. D3*

      Yup. Same. And again when I wake up. I’ve started dreading going to bed. I wish I could listen to things but I don’t sleep alone, and my partner is a very light sleeper. When I’ve tried going to the guest room so I can listen to something calming I just get anxious about my partner dying of a heart attack when I’m not there.
      So yeah.
      I have tried playing favorite songs in my head, running through the plots of movies, etc. Sometimes it actually helps.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        I discovered that when I put my phone or tablet under my pillow, I can turn the volume so low that I can’t even tell that it’s playing when I lift my head. The sound seems to reverberate through the pillow and I can hear it just fine.

    4. Might Be Spam*

      I have trouble getting to sleep and then staying asleep. Depending on my mood, I have three options to choose from to help me sleep.
      First, is some very soothing music I downloaded called Ambient Calm (free from Moby.)
      Second, I like the free app called Insight Timer that has thousands of meditations available for different topics including sleep.
      Third, I listen to the (free) Sleep With Me podcast. It’s a guy who basically bores you to sleep.
      One of the three is guaranteed to put me to sleep. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I just try one of the other options.
      I hope some of these are helpful.

    5. Mags*

      I listen to music (took me a while to find comfy earbuds but now it doesn’t bother me), with a timer set to turn it off after an hour. If I’m still catastrophizing when the music cuts out I get up and go to make myself a cup of tea/coffee. I read for an bit or curl up on the sofa with my coffee and something brainless (Great British Menu at the moment) to occupy my brain. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it flips the switch from ‘here’s a list of every terrible thing you’ve ever done and all the horrible things that are going to happen tomorrow that will be your fault’ to a more daytime ‘doing stuff’ frame of mind.

    6. Llellayena*

      All the other comments are focusing on the anxiety, so I’m going a different way. You say you get dizzy when you try to sleep. Have you looked into vertigo? If laying flat for a while triggers an inner ear imbalance, that could also trigger the anxiety because “something’s wrong.” You could try sleeping partially elevated for a couple nights, see if that helps?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I was actually going to suggest a wedge pillow, too. If I’m having a bad night, sometimes using the wedge pillow tricks my anxiety into thinking I’m not actually sleeping, and then I can sleep.

        (Although since it turns out I probably have sleep apnea, maybe something else is going on. Still, it can’t hurt.)

      2. Night anxiety?*

        Okay, I will try to sleep elevated tonight!

        (And I’m going to try some of the other folk’s suggestions for anxiety)

        Thanks everyone :)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe consider having your thyroid checked. Stress does a lot of things to the body. You sound like me when my thyroid is running amok. Stress gets me in the thyroid/stomach/heart.

  106. Trying to be anonymous for now*

    Sometimes I wish Googling medical stuff wasn’t a thing. My family member noticed a skin change on me that I’m normally not able to see so naturally I googled it…and all top results are breast cancer. I have no family history. Ironically, I had contacted my doctor the other day and he gave me a referral for an ultrasound and I have yet to make the appointment. I wish I hadn’t googled it.

    1. Auntie Social*

      Pay no attention to Dr. Google, you’ll make yourself crazy!! Just go for the exam. (I can go from zero to dying in 7 images, don’t be like me.)

    2. WS*

      Remember that Google doesn’t neutrally give you the most likely results – apart from the paid results it gives you the most popular results. “You have CANCER” is going to get a lot more people clicking through in a panic than “you have a mild skin condition”. The results are skewed in favour of drama.

      Personally, my partner and I will google things for each other’s problems but not for ourselves, because it’s an instant panic button!

    3. Fikly*

      When I google a symptom and google tells me my death is NOT imminent, then I will be concerned.

    4. Analyst Editor*

      Google as a search engine has gotten a lot less useful lately if you’re trying to find anything other than the most obvious or straightforward thing. Google for health searches in particular has been getting useless by being too helpful. No matter how specific your terms, it generalizes them and then gives you generic Authoritative Source written at a fifth grade level and no nuance. You have to scroll through WebMd, Mayo Clinic, Healthline, Parents Magazine, NHS, twenty other sources that just parrot off each other.

      You might do better searching somewhere, e.g. pubmed, for abstracts, if you’re in a mood for reviewing actual medical evidence….

    5. allathian*

      My SIL has very pale skin that burns easily. She also lives alone. Two years ago, she was visiting with her mother and for once had her hair up in a bun. My MIL noticed a discolored mole on her neck. My MIL is a retired nursing teacher and insisted on her daughter making a doctor’s appointment right away. She did, and it turned out to be stage 1 melanoma. They got all of it in surgery but she has a full-body mole checkup every six months. Or at least she had until COVID hit.

  107. Elizabeth West*

    I actually had a productive Saturday. Got up earlier (than usual) this morning and managed to sit with my meditation group online — I ended up being distracted and missing the start time. At some point, they’ll go back to meeting in person and I’ll lose touch, but I hope that doesn’t happen until I can get out of here and find a new group. Since I’ve been on Zoom so much, I ordered a packet of those little sliding webcam covers. Way better than the sticker that doesn’t want to restick.

    I also went for a walk, got yelled at by an old man in a car who I guess was upset that I didn’t see him coming (but he was on his phone and didn’t see me either, sorry I was rude back, but I don’t respond well to people screaming “F*CK OFF” at me when I suggest they might not want to be on the phone while driving), and started sewing five masks. Finished a Star Wars one. \0/

    The other four just need the bit the elastic goes through. I ordered a bag of random colored elastic from Etsy; I can’t find it anywhere else. Some of my old underpants were a bit raggedy, so I just stole the elastic from them, lol. It works perfect and it’s very soft. I swear they were clean! :)

    Tomorrow will be all about working on my screenplay class assignment and I need to do some work on Book 2.

    1. Jdc*

      I actually really like the underpants elastic idea. As someone who even with an ear saver is having rubbing pain from the elastic this sounds smart as it is so soft and probably a bit stretched.

      1. juliebulie*

        One one of my masks with particularly scratchy elastic, I now use a large barrette to connect the loops behind my head instead of looping them over my ears.

  108. Truly Blessed*

    Kinda of late to the party, but just wanted to count my many blessings
    I have been working from home since March, so I have not missed a paycheck. My DH and I are empty nesters, so no need for home schooling. We have a paid for house. Also, we had a full refrigerator, freezer and pantry when all this mess started, so our grocery needs are well met. (I am having issues with getting paper towels for some reason). Five years ago, I went to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. We had a LOT of debt but not so much income, but despite that, we were almost completely out of debt before Covid 19 hit. In addition to my job, I get money from Social Security as does my DH. We can live off our SS checks with about with several hundred dollars left over per month. The stimulus check we received was enough to finish out our debt with enough left over to add to my existing emergency fund to cover 4 months worth of expenses. (Good old Dave says to have a $1,000 emergency fund until you are out of debt, but I set aside 3 months worth of expenses just because it made me feel more secure). That and money that I have in a 401K and an IRA is enough to meet and exceed our needs. The best part is that I am able to retire at the end of this month! My last day is the 29th! I so cannot wait!
    My heart does go out to those who are not as fortunate. I pray every day for God to provide EVERYONE their daily bread and to provide people with their needs. (I also donate to my local food bank and to my church to help some of my church families who are in need.) I wish I could volunteer, but my DH is high risk so…Anyway as state above, I just wanted to count my blessings.

    1. StudentA*

      Congrats on your upcoming retirement! You’re an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your good news and your prayers!

  109. LAMM*

    I like IT cosmetics CC cream. SPF 50. Light enough where it doesn’t hide all my freckles (dulls them down a bit, but they’re still visible), but you can layer it up if needed to hide a spot. Use it mostly to even things out. Comes in 12 shades.

  110. StudentA*

    Alison, I think your cats are digging their modeling careers. Their pics keep getting better and better.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      I want to know how Alison gets them to all look at the camera at the same time.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Probably the same way we do it. Waving and making noises until they pay attention, then taking it quickly before they get bored.

  111. Anonnington*

    Oh my dog. He peed over the fence into the neighbors’ yard again. I hope they won’t notice . . .

    We’re in Brooklyn. By “yard,” I mean a small patio, just a few feet wide.

    Also, one of my sunflowers was mysteriously beheaded. Just the top leaves. It hadn’t bloomed yet. It’s a clean cut. The flower is in the back yard. Only a few people even know it’s there. Was this . . . the neighbors’ revenge for the dog pee? Or do squirrels take tops off of sunflowers?

    1. Jules the First*

      Squirrel. Definitely squirrel.

      They also like to take one bite out of every single apricot on the tree, to check that it’s not ripe yet and call dibs for when it is (the old “I licked it, so it’s mine”)

      1. Anonnington*

        The New York squirrels are really aggressive. I’m amazed by how much attitude they have here.

        1. Fikly*

          Oh, yeah, they will stand in the middle of the sidewalk and be all “you want me to move? I don’t think so!”

          1. Anonnington*

            Yeah. While holding a plant they just uprooted and stole from your garden. “You think that’s your turf? Your vegetables? Oh yeah? Think again.”

            1. Jules the First*

              Well duh….squirrels own the universe. Did no one mention that during your orientation?

              My parents’ garden has long been squirrel-infested, and my father has dutifully waged his own 30-years war against the local grey squirrels in a vain attempt to protect my mother’s plants and his beloved apricot tree. A few years ago he and the squirrels had arrived at a stalemate: he would evict the current resident squirrel family, relocating it to the nearby nature preserve and win a few days peace before a new family moved in. And then one day he realised there’d been no sign of grey squirrel for weeks. Initially we thought this might be related to the arrival of my sister’s wolf dog, and then my sister went out to find the wolfie at the end of his tether (otherwise he excavates the roses), facing off with…a very angry little red squirrel who was chattering like mad just out of reach. In the years since, my parents’ garden (and their neighbours’) has been gloriously grey squirrel-free. Which means that the solution to a squirrel problem turns out to be…more squirrel.

              2. Fikly*

                Hah, that reminds me of that amazing commercial – for some kind of insurance? Where this guy is fighting bad guys, and his mother calls to tell him his father is fighting the squirrels again.

    2. university minion*

      At my old house, my neighbors had two yorkies. I had a male greyhound. The yorkies always got curious when my dog went to the fence. My dog went to the fence for one reason only – to mark over where they marked. Those two little dogs always stuck their noses up to the fence at the wrong time and there’s no way their poor owners didn’t notice. Those dogs must have stunk to high heaven for all the times they got peed on.

        1. university minion*

          The yorkies didn’t seem to mind, since this went on for about 4 years.

    3. Anonnington*

      I saw the culprit. Or one of them. An enormous, beefy gray squirrel waddling along a telephone line just over the garden. I don’t know if it was pregnant or fat or both, but that was quite a squirrel!

  112. Jdc*

    I’m finding with being trapped inside that I just can’t wait for some alone time. No small kids but husband is working from home and 17 year old stepson. Oh and two needy dogs We all do our own thing during the day so it’s not like they are on top of me. We have enough room in our home to be in separate rooms. I just really want to be left alone. I could scream it.

    I was one who enjoyed being single. I liked my gorgeous apartment, freely spending my money (ok I liked it doesn’t mean it was always smart), making dinner if i was in the mood, or not. I do love living with my husband but right now all this togetherness is making me miss those days a bit. Husband used to play a sport one or two days a week and obviously teenager was out of the house more so I had a bit more alone time. I suppose it’s not truly alone time if someone can walk through the door at any moment.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I. Feel. This. I have two littles (5 months, and almost 3) and my husband works from home sometimes, and yesterday for the first time since I got married I had the thought that I REALLY, REALLY missed my single life. I mean, I don’t want to go back to it, getting into bed at night alone was awful and I truly adore my husband and my kids are the cutest funniest little things, but damned if I don’t just want to have popcorn and wine for dinner and sleep late and just not have anyone (even potentially) touching me or (even potentially) wanting things from me. All my solidarity.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sympathetic to this. My husband and I are together in a large house with plenty of rooms for each of us, and at this point there are still days where I scuttle around avoiding even crossing his path. I just want some *solitude.* I don’t want to be “alone” in a space where I can hear him, or he might wander in, or call to me from the next room. I just want a few hours where I know there will be no intrusion at all.

      And it’s so weird, because it’s not like I have anything to get done. I have a few projects and a little paperwork, but nothing that I can’t return to if it gets interrupted.

      Luckily, so far I’ve only felt this way a few times really acutely. Mostly it’s just a quiet background grumpiness.

      1. Bounce*

        Oh yes. I told my therapist spouse and I really missed alone time and she was flummoxed. “If you’re in different rooms, isn’t that the same thing as being alone?” Hard no, usually-good-therapist.

    3. WellRed*

      I live the in a large apt with a roommate who hasn’t left the place, like not even to sit on front or back porch in over a month. We’re not on top of each other by any means, but my god, can you take a 10 minute walk or something so I have the place to myself?

      1. Trixie*

        Walks! I was thinking of this when reading Jdc’s post. For those sharing a space (families, roommates, partners, etc.), are walks an option to give each other some time alone at home? If anything, a walk once or twice a day does wonders for all of us.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I hear this. Even when my husband is in another room, he will text me a funny tweet or video or something. Almost wish I could block him sometimes haha. You hear the ping and think it could be work (so I can’t turn my phone off), and instead it’s a video of a pig eating a cupcake or something.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          He loves this one pig Esther (the Wonder Pig) who has her own website, calendar, videos, Twitter, etc. I’m not sure I can figure out how to link to the specific video but google Esther the wonder pig + cupcake. It is kinda cute.

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Oh my gosh I hear ya, Sister! My hubs does infrastructure, so no loss of work, but my eldest is a chef so she’s been out of work for awhile. She went back last week. Can I just say that while I am a bit worried, inside I was YAS – ALONE IN THE HOUSE!
      Hahahaha!

      1. Jdc*

        We all need alone time to do our whatever weird stuff we do. Heck even just blast some music or nap or take a bath.

    6. cat socks*

      I can relate. My husband used to go out on Friday or Saturday nights to the local bar to see bands play and I loved having the house to mmyself.

    7. Sunset Maple*

      I feel this. My husband the ADD King goes completely squirrely if there isn’t constant noise, so there has been TV and music on in our house for weeks non-stop. Including while sleeping. Even if I could get him to turn everything off, he’d just yap non-stop to fill the quiet. JFC, I just need SILENCE. I can feel myself trembling with rage at times.

  113. Anon for this*

    I’m nearly 30 (looking forwards to that lockdown birthday..) and it’s looking very unlikely that I’ll have children. (Don’t want to go over the reasons but it’s probably not in the future). I’ve mostly come to terms with this but still feel it sometimes, especially when I see others with big families or even my own family. My aunt recently had her 80th and lots of love from her children and grandchildren and I will obviously never be in that position. I’m not that sad about missing out on small children or years of poor sleep, and can see the positives in having more free time and I do like my life as is… but I would really appreciate any stories or advice from child-free (by choice or otherwise) older folks as to how they’ve created family beyond just a partner.

    (And yes, we’re getting kittens – which I am excited about – but they’re not gonna come visit me when I’m old and lonely :p)

    1. Anon for this*

      (There is no intention whatsoever to denigrate single folks or those for whom a partner feels like a complete family – but I have lots of siblings and although we’re not super close, when my parents divorced my mum at least had us?)

      1. cat socks*

        My husband and are in our 40s and child free by choice. My husband has three siblings and I am close with them as well. My parents live in the same town and we are close to them and have traveled with them. Our church also provides a sense of community.

        This may sound harsh, but even if you have kids there is no guarantee you will be close to them. For example, my mom is very close to her brothers. I have a brother nine years younger than me and for various reasons we’re not close at all.

        We moved to the US from India when I was very young so our family has always been small. We never had huge family get togethers. Growing up, my parents made many friends in the Indian community here and they provided that sense of family.

    2. SpellingBee*

      Mr. Bee and I are child free by choice, in our early 60s, and are very happy with our decision. No regrets at all! I have 2 siblings, one has 2 stepchildren (who are lovely) and the other also has no children. Mr. Bee has one sib with 2 children. So we have nieces and nephews with whom we keep in contact, although we don’t live close. My sibs and I have also recently reconnected with cousins, which has been a lot of fun. My advice, for what it’s worth, is to lean into your extended family – as a beloved aunt or great-aunt you can have a lot of the perks of a grandparent without first having the responsibilities of a parent!

      Also, there’s no guarantee that your kids would be a comfort to you in your old age. You could be the best parents in the world but still have children who don’t visit you in the nursing home.

      1. tab*

        ^This! My husband and I are in our early 60’s too. We enjoy our nieces, nephews, great nieces and great nephews. When our neighbors and friends had young children, we enjoyed them too. Our lives do not feel empty.

    3. Anonnington*

      I wound up child-free by circumstance. I focus on the positive things about it: freedom, peace and quiet, spoiling my rescue dog, contributing to the world in other ways, being grateful to have avoided the negative things that can come with parenthood (such as sharing custody with an ex-partner).

      I’m in this situation because I was dealt a rough hand in life. And I get a lot of judgment for it. Most of the judgment is from people who think I’m younger and should be working less and focusing more on preparing to start a family (yeah, I wish I was making that up).

      I’m an artist and I interact with the public a lot. I hear a lot of stories about people’s lives. And all the family dysfunction. Having kids with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Or the right person, but then something went wrong. And yes, I could have ended up with a good family situation. But I also dodged the bullet of all the bad stuff.

      I also accept that the future is wide open. There are always young people in need of adult role models. While I might not have kids biologically, I could be someone’s mentor or adoptive parent or step-parent. I’m focused more on living a healthy life and having healthy relationships than anything else.

    4. Ali G*

      Hubs and I are in our forties and child free by choice. We have zero regrets. We are planning early retirements and will be debt free when we do. We have tons of friends, most have kids but some don’t. We get that our relationships have changed, but we don’t mind. We both have a sib with kids and we keep in touch with them.
      My advice is to accept your circumstances and make it the best you can. Maybe that means moving eventually to a place with more family, or whatever would make you happy. I can foresee Hubs and I relocating in retirement to be closer to one of our siblings when they become empty nesters (and have better weather).

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Child-free here by choice and by nature- both.
      I am content with how my life has worked out. I do see where I have opportunities that others may feel they do not have. Sometimes I grab those opportunities. I do have time to do things with others that I know I would not do if I had my own family as there just would not be time for that stuff.
      I do volunteer stuff where I meet different people and have different experiences that I would not have had any other way.
      I think the surprising thing for me is I feel cared about and I feel safe. We think we need family to get that secure feeling, but the truth is if we look we can find a sense of security from many sources. One friend said, “I see an email from you and I know life is continuing onward.” Yeah, and other people give me that same sense with the things they do.
      Deep down I feel life is rich, indeed.

  114. Siberian Kitten Lady*

    Kitten’s in the 24/7 emergency vet clinic for swallowing 3 hair bands that were on cabinet door knobs meant to prevent him from going inside (bc Windex and stuff is stored there). Waiting in the parking lot.

    How do you prevent large vocal kittens from accessing low bathroom cabinets full of Windex? ://///

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Good thoughts for your kitten!

      I’ll be honest, I never even thought about bottles of cleaning product being protected from cats. If the cat can get the cabinet open, and then somehow get the bottle of windex open, and then thinks drinking it is a good idea, I don’t even know what I’d do to stop that, barring find somewhere else to put the windex. For what it’s worth, our cats never try to get into cabinets unless a person has them open for some reason (like, say, getting a coat out of the closet), and once they get in, they pretty much just yell until someone comes back and opens the door back up for them to get out. Was this purely precautionary, or has kitten actually tried to open bottles of cleaning product previously?

      1. Jdc*

        Ya also never considered a cat doing this but just buy the child cupboard and drawer latches. But really how is a cat going to get into a bottle of winded?

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Riffing off Koala Dreams’ comment about child-safety devices: My sister-in-law had some sort of inside-the-cupboard-door gizmo that locked the door until you unlocked it by holding another device (kept elsewhere) with a magnet on the outside. No idea what it was called and this was twenty-plus years ago. Try browsing online at a store such as Buy, Buy Baby.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        My sister in law has these and must have installed them in the last two and a half years, so I’m sure they’re current (they suit her insta perfect streamlined kitchen better than the plain white plastic we had). Search for “magnetic cupboard locks” on your favourite online retailer or baby/child store.

    3. Ranon*

      Childproofing locks for cabinets come in a wide variety, one is bound to work for your scenario

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, that is what I did for my dog who could open any cupboard and empty it of its contents. I got them at a toy store, it was pretty cheap to do.

        You can also make sure the sprayers are turned to the “off” position.

    4. Asenath*

      I can’t say I ever thought about protecting the cats from the cleaning products, but like practically everyone with cats, I sometimes need to prevent them from getting at something. The only thing I found that works reliably is to choose cat-proof locations, which in my current place are 1. One closet (only one of the closets, one of my cats managed to get the spare toilet paper from another closet with a different kind of door) 2. The cupboard over the fridge (of course, I can’t reach that either without the little step ladder) and 3. The fridge itself (not a good idea for cleaning products. I do put the dry cat food currently in use in plastic containers which I place inside a drawer. They have been known to sometimes open plastic containers and drawers, but the combination works well enough.

    5. Book Lover*

      I hope kitty does ok. It sounds like you have a really determined cat, but honestly we don’t cat proof anything and our Siberian isn’t interested in eating anything that isn’t her food, so…. I would probably forget about trying to protect her from bottles of cleaning stuff and just plan to put small things away, as you would if there were a crawling baby around.

    6. Siberian Kitten Lady*

      Update: kitten has returned and is resting. Said kitty is extremely determined to find things and go in cabinets (also kitty stuck half his body through the stair banister spaces 9 ft off the ground so we had to double-side tape it—to avoid falls). He’s rolled off his 1/2 ft high kitty lounge bed at least twice so he’s not the most graceful of kitties. But he is forever and always our lil purr-minator

      1. tangerineRose*

        I put something heavy in front of a low cabinet that has some cleaner in it. Hope your kitty feels better soon!

    7. Courageous cat*

      Same way you prevent a child from getting in. Child locks. Also it doesn’t seem at all likely that they’re going to be able to get *in* to the cleaning products, so I’d wager just letting Kitty in there is a lot less unsafe than the alternative.

    8. Aphrodite*

      You have to protect every single thing from kittens and cats. Dental floss, used string, etc. that is to be thrown out needs to go into closed cabinets, not open wastebaskets. Unused electrical outlets need to be covered over so little claws cannot dig into them. (I say this not to blame you–there is no blame, only deep sympathy and a huge prayer that she recovers.)

      My mom used these hook type locks to keep cabinet doors from flying open during an earthquake (and keep the dishes and cups debris inside rather than all over the floor) and these might work. Or maybe one of these? (Links in answer.)

      1. Aphrodite*

        https://www.google.com/search?q=hook+type+of+locks+for+cabinet+doors&oq=hook&aqs=chrome.1.69i59l2j46j0l3j69i60l2.2392j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

        https://www.google.com/search?ei=tJbBXr2oDK_P0PEPjoyTgAQ&q=hook+type+of+locks+for+cabinet+doors+to+keep+out+cats&oq=hook+type+of+locks+for+cabinet+doors+to+keep+out+cats&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQAzIFCCEQqwIyBQghEKsCMgUIIRCrAjoECAAQRzoICCEQFhAdEB46BQghEKABOgcIIRAKEKABULPYBVjAiQZgu4wGaARwAXgAgAGJAYgB0Q6SAQQxNy40mAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpeg&sclient=psy-ab&ved=0ahUKEwi90rzu1rvpAhWvJzQIHQ7GBEAQ4dUDCAw&uact=5

      2. Siberian Kitten Lady*

        We already have all electrical covers over all sockets (did that before kitty arrived). We are first time cat owners who found online instructions to cat-proof bathroom cabinets by taking and twisting hair ties over the cabinet knobs.

        Our kitty for whatever reason and despite having every sort of toy available
        1. Yanked the ties
        2. Yanked/untwisted the ties with his teeth
        3. Pulled the hair tie off the cabinet knob twice his height
        4. Requiring ample jumping and sheer persistence
        5. Silently without anyone noticing

  115. Koala dreams*

    A lock on the cabinet door? A child safe knob? (Do child safe knobs stop cats?)

    I’m sorry about your cat. Take care!

  116. Sick cat*

    My kitten has been diagnosed with hepatic encephalopathy, from a congenital issue, basically the porter shunt that should pass through the liver to eliminate toxins is bypassing the liver. While she seems to be doing really well with special food and meds, her lab work came back showing a different picture so the vet thinks long term medical management might not be the best option and is suggesting surgery. Because of COVID I have not even met the specialist I have been working with and would not be able to meet with the surgeon. There is also a cost issue; there probably are other places that could this, and I should probably get a second opinion. I’d appreciate any thoughts or experience.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      If it’s of interest to you, maybe you can find a vet who works with herbs/supplements and talk to them. There are several vets here who do mainstream stuff but also offer non-invasive support techniques. The vet I am bringing my buddy to does acupuncture, chiropractic and nutrition in addition to the traditional stuff. She has kept my dog out of surgery and he just loves her.

    2. cat socks*

      So sorry that your kitty is sick. In my town, there are a couple of animal hospitals where they do specialized surgeries. As places open up would you be able to schedule a consultation? They should be able to provide an estimate before you agree to any work.

      I’ve had kitties with serious health issues and it’s important to find a vet who will clearly explain your options and the pros and cons of the surgery and subsequent follow up treatment.

      Sorry you are dealing with this and hope you’re able to find some answers.

    3. saf*

      Where are you? If you are close to a vet school, sometimes you can get very good care for a better price at a vet school.

  117. Rebecca*

    Greetings from Central PA!

    I downloaded the Merlin app and I started a bird list of my backyard birds. My neighbor uses it too, and she belongs to an official birding group, but I like it just because I like the pretty birds that visit the yard. I have a small tray feeder and a suet cake holder (such as it is after several bear attacks) that I take in each night. I’m going to make hummingbird feeder sugar water today. And I have a raven that likes to hang around! Lots of pileated woodpecker signs, they are quite accomplished in the tree drilling area. So far my favorite birds are Rose Breasted Grosbeaks and Baltimore Orioles (I put out mandarin oranges for them).

    I had a few amusing game cam pictures this week, in one, the smaller bear had his face right up to the camera, like “what’s in there?” and a raccoon was standing on its back legs with front legs up like arms – looking around like a prairie dog :) Hoping to see fawns in another month or so, I’ve noticed a few of the deer look pregnant! And I haven’t seen the larger mother bear, so I think she’s booted last year’s cub, which is the smaller bear I’m seeing. I also saw 4 chipmunks at one time. Hoping the black rat snakes take care of that problem soon.

    Mom decided that it’s been long enough with regard to quarantining, not letting people in the house, etc. so she called the cleaning person, who arrived on Tuesday wearing a mask – with her nose exposed. I just shook my head, and when she got huffy with me, I reminded her the hospitalization and death statistics are highest for her age group. I also took Mom to the grocery store on Friday evening, since she’s been ranting about being trapped in the house, she can’t get anything she wants to eat, she has to go to the store to see things – and as predicted, she bought the same things she sends me to the store to pick up. She was so confused by the checkout process. I went through a separate line, and couldn’t figure out why it was taking her so long, so I walked over. The poor clerk was trying to tell her what to do, Mom wasn’t grasping it, there’s plexiglass and the clerk wasn’t about to walk around and do it for her (and I don’t blame the store worker one bit!!). Mom had her bank Visa card out, and I said “Mom, you need to put the chip end into the machine” and I pointed to the card slot. She started turning the card over and around and had no idea what I was talking about. So I said, here – let me do it. I put the card in, of course it asked if you want cash back, so I told mom, tap the red button for no cash back. “I DON’T WANT CASH BACK I DON’T USE IT THAT WAY” she yelled at me. I took the stylus and pressed the red button. Then it asked for a PIN. “I DON’T HAVE PIN, I DON’T WANT A PIN, THAT’S NOT SAFE”. OMG. I pushed enter, finally the transaction went through, and it started the “dee dee bling” sound and said “remove card” or whatever, and Mom just stood there, I said, Mom, take the card out…and she said “did I pay for that?” Yep. OMG again.

    I laid all of this out because on the way to town, in the car, she stated “I’m sick of that house and I’m getting out of there, I want to go somewhere else. And it’s going to have all one floor, with the washer and dryer right there so I don’t have to go up and down steps.” (and I would do her laundry for her, but she washes a few things at a time, every single thing separately, so I don’t do it right) I asked her, where do you want to go? Answer “I don’t know, I have someone looking at places for me, and when she finds something, I’m going to go inspect it”. OK. To say that logic and common sense have left the building is an understatement. Unfortunately, she’s no longer able to live on her own. She never learned anything about technology, she can’t use a smart phone (her simple flip phone baffles her and I show here repeatedly how to do even simple things like make a call), she can’t drive safely, she can’t carry anything or even open most jars and struggles to handle a small container of milk, etc. My daughter and I are of the opinion that since we can’t reason with her, just let her go and do what she wants, and I agree with this to a certain extent. Not sure what is happening with the fluctuating blood pressure issue – I do know from the copious number of scribbled papers that she’s taking her blood pressure and pulse multiple times per day, writing down the exact time she takes every pill (as in 2:57 PM, 1:23 AM, that type of thing), and is angry that she has to take a blood pressure pill because she eats the right foods and does all the right things and – you get the picture – this does not fit into her narrative at all.

    I realized this is very hard to watch. Dad’s illness was so fast and so lethal I had very little time to process what was happening, like we were working on an engine together in his shop, and 5 weeks later he was gone. The things with Mom are just what happens when you get older, things start to go awry, take one med to solve one thing, another to solve something else, but that causes problem #3, and so it goes. I’m listening and learning and trying to be as patient as I can, like I would with a stranger off the street. It makes it much easier to do. Plus, kudos to Alison, I use some of her pointers that she recommends we use with bad managers – it really works!!

    I hope everyone has a good week. Stay well!

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I admire your patience. Hopefully having spring weather outside will let you at least get out into fresh air and breathe deeply.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sounds like circumstances are beginning to outline solutions by themselves. Yes, hang in there.

      It’s good to read how you’ve built various sources of happiness into your own life even if you have your (very, very, very) difficult Mom as a roommate. I enjoy hearing about the birds’ appearances and and the mammals’ antics.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Has mom had a neurocognitive assessment recently? Some of the technology stuff could be unfamiliarity but some of it sounds like it could be early dementia of some sort. Which could also be a factor in her (irritable) mood and perseverance on certain issues.

      1. Rebecca*

        It’s been about 10 months, or since she was admitted to the rehab facility after she broke her arm on July 3 last year, and fell 3x the following week. She tested fine then, hard to believe, but true, and I think you’re right in that she needs a new test.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Sometimes the older people slide downhill faster when they are housebound. It sounds like she’s sliding faster.

        2. Observer*

          That. And make sure she’s evaluated by someone who understands these differences. I’ve seen the problem go both ways – assuming someone is having cognitive issues because of what was essentially cultural illiteracy and assuming that someone is simply not up to date when the real issue is cognitive issues.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      Oh my goodness – again you get the saint prize for being so patient and compassionate. At least you have Orioles! They are perfection with wings.

      Keep hanging in there!!

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      I, too, am glad you are finding your joy with the beautiful outdoors. And, mentally composing your commendation for saint hood.

      Sending a hug. I am sorry it is so very hard…. you are amazingly patient.

  118. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Starting a gaming thread — because I found something beautiful & game-related online and don’t see the weekend thread here yet. Ramadan in Animal Crossing! Washington Post link in the comments so it doesn’t get trapped in moderation and risk splitting the threads.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      In other news, my husband has spent his evenings in DDO, checking out new Ravenloft storyline that’s free through May. I can only handle one game at a time, so I’m continuing in Guild Wars 2. Next goal… a jackal.

    3. DarthVelma*

      It’s been a pretty good gaming weekend here for tabletop and PC. We got some new expansions for Mansions of Madness – new scenarios YAY! This one was very heavy on investigation and light on fighting until close to the end. My character went Insane, but we won anyway. Though I will admit, it took us a LOT longer to do one of the puzzles than it would have if we had been sober.

      On the video game side, there was a big Terraria update Saturday afternoon, including a new “Journey” mode. The partner and I and the teenagers we game with have been having a blast. The builders can build. The people who like to shoot things, like me, can just shoot things. And our personal troll can do crazy stuff and die a lot. So far I’m really liking it. We have a huge glass skyscraper. I have a flamingo mount. We killed King Slime repeatedly. And I found out this morning just how many times my friends died after I left yesterday – because I got to wander around the world picking up their tombstones. :-)

  119. FeralCatMom*

    Our outdoor shelter for our feral cat keeps getting infested with wasps – does anyone have a good design or store-bought one that would prevent that?

    Our elderly former neighbors handmade the wooden one we have now, and it was beautiful and functional but was due for updating anyway after several years weathering, but the roof is full of wasps which has made me scared to open it up further and inspect the inside bedding etc.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Not sure if it works for *all* wasps… but just this week I ran across someone crocheting an imitation wasp’s nest because they’re territorial. A friend tried it too and it worked, so that’s on my to-do list. Google search phrase will turn it up : “wasp crochet sandy kendall dennis”

    2. KoiFeeder*

      What kind of wasps are they? I’m assuming yellow jackets or another social wasp, but if it’s just mud-dauber wasps, you’ll probably be fine to open it up as long as you leave the little mud cribs away from you so that the mother wasp can check in on them.

    3. Auntie Social*

      Paint the ceiling blue. Their brains think it’s Sky and won’t build there. You see a lot of blue porch ceilings in the south, I think that’s where I learned it.

    4. Waffles*

      We have one of those group mailboxes for several houses, and my mailperson says they put a dryer softener sheet in the outgoing mail section to keep wasps away from the box. *shrug* I have no actual evidence that it works but I thought that was interesting.

    5. Animal worker*

      Google how to make an outdoor cat shelter from a plastic cooler. I believe they are really easy to make and might solve the problem.

  120. kithen containers*

    What are your favorite kitchen containers for pantry items? I am getting tired of everything having a different kind of bag and not staying upright, especially after getting a 5 pound bag of flour and realizing I don’t have anywhere safe to park it :)

    1. fposte*

      I use handled long baskets (handle is on the short end facing the front) and load stuff into them; since I’m short, this also means I can fill shelves to the back but still be able to get to their contents fairly easily.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I found a bunch of glass jars with screw top metal lids at the dollar store! The store near me had two sizes, and they worked for everything except flour (for that I found a larger glass container with lid at an Indian grocery store). I bought some stickers for the tops to label everything. I’m so glad I converted everything over, my pantry is much neater!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Target also has nice glass jars. Anchor Hocking makes some and there’s another company….I will think of it in a moment.

        A cool thing to use is canning jars. Ace has them in all different sizes and you can get some large ones. I use quart canning jars for a lot of things. But I got the bigger ones for coffee and a couple other items.

        1. Wicked Witch of the West*

          A tip when using canning jars for dry goods: turn the flat lid part upside down. So the rubber is up instead of against the glass. That will keep the rubber from sticking to the glass.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            They also sell plastic lids to fit the jars. I bought the plastic lids- there’s a dozen in the box so it will last a while.

            HOWEVER, lids are usually a standard size. You can save lids off of jars that you are tossing out to see if they fit the canning jars.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I like whatever fits best onto the shelf or in the cabinet. My pantry is a mash-up of open weave plastic bins, plastic shoe storage boxes, and lucite canisters with sealable tops. I mix and match based on what fits on the shelf, how much I need to access the contents, and what I’m storing.

      The only items that I open and re-box are bread flour, AP flour, and granulated sugar. They go into the special canisters with sealable tops. Those come in different sizes, so if you’re fanatical about putting everything into a matching box, you could get a bunch of them and stack them. I only use the very large size and I can fit an entire 5 pound bag of flour into it.

      Everything else gets roughly sorted into an open bin. I have bins for baking necessities, chocolates, specialty sugars, beans and grains, etc. I’m not extremely particular about what goes where – sometimes it’s a matter of which bin has some room in it. But at least when I’m looking for an ingredient, there are only a few places it could be instead of pretty much anywhere at all.

    4. juliebulie*

      I actually keep my flour in a plastic shoebox (like Rubbermaid, Sterilite, whatever). It’s much easier to scoop the flour from one of those.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        This is a great idea! Sometimes I have trouble scooping with the current jar I have.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I use canning jars and move everything into them. I prefer the wide-mouthed ones but any kind works well. I can see the contents, it is bug proof, and it is glass. Plus, they are inexpensive.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I have Oxo pop containers to keep bulk dry goods (flour, rice, etc) fresher longer.

    7. OtterB*

      I got rectangular clear plastic containers from the Container Store for flour and sugar. Everything else stays in its original packaging, but I have a few plastic baskets that I use for organizing the smaller packet things, and a lazy susan that I use for small jars/bottles like extracts and jars of bullion cubes.

  121. SpellingBee*

    I’m currently listening to “Let’s ABBA Party” on BBC Radio 2, which is making me ridiculously happy. Also baking a pound cake, ditto. You know what they say, there are two kinds of people – those who love ABBA, and those who don’t admit they love ABBA!

    That is all.

    1. filosofickle*

      You might be on to something! I’d say I don’t like ABBA but when Dancing Queen comes on, I gotta dance at least a little. (But for the love of dog, please don’t make me listen to Mamma Mia.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! The only thing that made it possible was that bonus from my previous job. It makes me glad I didn’t get the job offer since I couldn’t have done this otherwise.

    3. Misty*

      I love the color of your gym walls! That’s the color in my bedroom! Also your cats are adorable.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I tested five different purples and this was the winner. And I really need to update the kitty page…it’s been ages!

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      How wonderful – and great timing, since (for me, at least) going to the gym is a ways off… having it at home and tailored for you is so perfect!!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thanks! I’m so glad I was able to do this. Working out on the patio wasn’t great.

  123. Teal*

    What are some activities that keep the 80-90 year olds in your life sharp?

    I’d like to get some things for my 85 year old grandma. I got her some word search puzzles and some oil pastels/sketch pad. I was thinking of getting some books as well.

    1. Not A Manager*

      My mother used to like crosswords, scrabble and sudoku. The nice thing is all of those are available at varying levels of difficulty.

      1. Not A Manager*

        She did not like jigsaw puzzles, but I know a lot of seniors who do. Again, they come in different difficulty levels, and also with differently-sized pieces as well. They’re great for small motor stuff as well as cognitive agility.

    2. university minion*

      As much physical exercise as the individual can handle. Gardening, golf, walking, climbing stairs, cycling, you name it.
      Beyond that, lots of reading, NPR and staying at least peripherally engaged in their professional field if they have one.
      Lastly, friends & family who engage with them as competent adults that they are.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Bird feeders and bird seed, magazine subscriptions about birds
      A couple small veggie plants
      An electronic keyboard (if they really like music)

    4. juliebulie*

      My grandmother (99 next weekend, in a nursing home) loves crypto-quotes. She has a tremor in her hands, so can’t handle a pen. In the Before-Time, she would stare at a puzzle for a while, tell me the first few words, and then I would fill in all of the letters for her. I miss that. :-(

    5. Parenthetically*

      Audiobooks, wordfind books, audio courses! My grandmother did a number of those “Great Courses” when she was in her late 80s and early 90s.

    6. Tuesday*

      My 95-year-old mom is so much sharper now that she’s been listening to audiobooks. She has always liked to read, but it was getting hard for her, and she would get fatigued before long. Audiobooks have been great, and they’ve improved her mood too.

  124. KoiFeeder*

    So, what I thought was removing files from the icloud downloads was actually removing them from my computer. Which I did not know before I got so frustrated that I pitched out the files.

    Thankfully, icloud lets me redownload recently deleted files, but I’m just gonna lay facedown on the floor for a bit.

  125. Pennalynn Lott*

    My ex now has 90% of his crap out of my house!!

    The back porch, yard, and garage are a different story but at least I can *finally* start moving things around in my [now more spacious] house and cleaning up the mess he left behind.

    He’ll be back in few hours to pick up “his” cats; we have seven and decided that three will go with him. Of those three, I’m super close to one, so this part of the separation is hard. And since he has poorly-managed ADHD, those three cats will suffer when it’s just him being their caretaker. He never remembers to give them fresh water and will wait until hours past the usual feeding time to put any food out because he’s immersed in a video game (or sleeping in until the afternoon because he stayed up so late playing video games and watching porn). To him, it feels like maybe only 20 minutes have gone by, when in reality it was 3-4 hours. He’s also not good at noticing when one of the cats is “off” and needs to see a vet, and he is incapable of pilling a cat or giving injections. (One of the cats he’s taking tends to need an anti-nausea injection 1-3 times every year).

    Also, one of the cats he is taking needs a daily steroid inhaler and sometimes the emergency inhaler. When he’s engrossed in video games (with loud music played on top of them) or staring at the TV watching a movie (with the volume cranked to 60), he can’t hear her when she has an astma attack. I fear that she’ll be dead in half a year or less, and will have died gasping for air all because he’s too engrossed in himself to properly care for anyone or anything else.

    So I’m happy that there are less and less reasons for him to be inside my house but I’m fearful for the cats he’s taking. (We had all of them since kittenhood).

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This sucks.
      Maybe you can say something like, “If you change your mind, I will take the cats back.” Just leave the door open for him to rethink this a bit.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        Already have. His pride won’t let him see that he is a danger to the cats.

        He just picked them up and I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out.

            1. valentine*

              I’m not sure it was necessary for him to take cats he’ll mistreat, but I can see where you want to be done and not go to court over them. But it’s not the ADHD. He simply refuses to care for them properly. He could get them automatic feeders and hire a caregiver.

              I’d consider hiring movers and gifting him a week at a storage place. I couldn’t handle the extended agony/attitude or doing even one more thing on his schedule.

              1. Pennalynn Lott*

                It actually is poorly-managed ADHD.

                I deleted all the rest of my reply to you because wow.

                1. ..Kat..*

                  You can give him a reasonable deadline (I think a month, I would not do longer than a month) to get the rest of his stuff. Tell him after that deadline you will post an ad on Craigslist that anyone who wants this stuff can have it for free if they haul it away. Make clear in the ad that they cannot come into the house, and the ad does not apply to anything in the house. And stick to the deadline. Might be a good idea to run this through your lawyer to make sure the ex can’t sue you.

                2. Pennalynn Lott*

                  Kat – We have a mediated settlement agreement that says he has to be completely moved out by May 31.

                  Because he has the three cats, and because we still co-own a business, I’m not about to do something as aggressive and contentious as giving his things away. Actually, even without the cats and the business, I don’t think I could do something that extreme and unnecessary. There are better ways to handle the situation.

  126. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I latched onto the sheets “must’ go into a hot drier. I never do that, I line dry as long as the weather holds. For indoors, I use the tripod style — look at IKEA’s ‘Frost’ model. It’s stable, strong, has good air flow, and can be set at higher angles for long things. Admittedly sheets have to be folded and lain across the whole thing, which slows it down, but it’s still manageable.

  127. Tuesday*

    Does anyone have a tip for effective exercises or stretches I can do for my mousing arm? My shoulder is stiff and painful, and it hurts to sleep on that side. I’ve been trying the tennis-ball-in-a-sock thing, but here it is almost Monday again, and it hurts just as much as it did on Friday. I haven’t take anything (like NSAIDS) because I don’t know if they really help or just relieve pain.

    1. juliebulie*

      I never could figure out how to stretch or strengthen anything to deal with the mouse shoulder. The only remedy for me was to switch to a trackball!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same — I resisted it for a long time, because I didn’t want to retrain myself to move the ball with my fingers and have to click with my thumb, but Logitech has trackballs that hold like a mouse does, including normal positioning for right and left click. (For the right-handed at least, I guess. =/ ) And they last for gol-dang ever – I have a couple of M570 model ones that I got in 2014, used regularly for three years and still use sporadically, and in 2017 I got the MX ERGO model (because I can use it with both the computers on my desk, switches back and forth with a single button) and it’s still in like-new condition despite being my daily driver on both my work and personal computers ever since. The other advantage to a trackball is that it takes less space on a desk, because it doesn’t move – you find a six inch square that’s comfortable for you to use it in, and it stays there :)

    2. Anon5775*

      I ease the use of my dominant arm/shoulder by mousing with my non-dominant hand, especially when my dominant arm muscles are super tight.

    3. Max Kitty*

      I actually switched to the left side for mousing, even though I’m not left-handed, just to give my right arm a break. It’s helped a lot.

    4. Lena Clare*

      Try searching for arm, wrist, and hand exercises for RSI.
      There are some good ones I do for relief and they do work.

      I also switched to a vertical mouse (right handed) and a left-handed keyboard so I didn’t have to keep moving my hand over the numbers pad to get to the letters – it saved some movement which saved some pain.

      When it gets bad I have to stop.
      NSAIDS will stop the inflammation, but you should really rest till it passes. Easier said than done.

    5. CatCat*

      These are thing’s that have helped alleviate some of my issues with neck and shoulder (issues are still there, but these things help).

      – Switch mouse arm.
      – Massage by a massage therapist.
      – NSAIDs
      – Voltaren
      – Alternating hot and cold therapy. If I get an acute issue, I do cold for the first 24 hours then hot.
      – Yoga with Adriene, yoga for neck and shoulders
      – Prop a pillow next to me in bed so I don’t roll on to my bad shoulder

    6. nep*

      Did you recently change where you sit with your computer? Or is your chair slightly too low? We mistakenly got a chair that was not a good height and in only a few times of using the mouse there, shoulder/arm was painful.
      On another note, have you ever tried arnica oil or an arnica rub? I’ve been amazed at how much arnica helps with pain.
      Hope you’ll find relief.

    7. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      There are some simple stretches for shoulders like standing in a doorway, putting your hands on the doorframe and leaning into it. Googling stretches for rotator cuffs should get you more

  128. Confused Parent*

    Hi everyone. I’m going to post a bunch of word-salad here because I’m really hurting and I don’t have another place to take it. I’m also just really confused about what’s “reasonable” to feel.

    I’m very sad (and maybe angry, I can’t tell) because I texted my adult son yesterday asking him if he was available for some emotional support, and I guess he wasn’t. I want to say that this is an extreme reversal of roles. I’ve NEVER explicitly asked my adult kids for emotional support before, and I’ve almost never implicitly asked it either. I’m very very supportive and understanding of my kids and they do turn to me for help and support when they need it.

    I can make up a narrative where it’s JUST SO SHOCKING that your mom would reverse roles and ask you to help her out that you freeze like a deer in the headlights and you cannot even. And maybe that’s what happened. But tbh I’m a bit tired of making excuses for this particular child, who has a slew of stuff that I don’t want to get into detail about. Let’s just say that sometimes it’s hard to tell what is a mental health challenge and what is a choice and what is a character trait.

    And I also feel like… even if I transgressed some kind of boundary, and even if parents of adult children are never supposed to ask their kids for any kind of help… if my mom had done that when I was his age (which is 27), whatever I felt about it and no matter how hard it might have been, I still would have followed up with her.

    Here’s what I texted him: “Hey. Do you have any energy to provide me with a bit of emotional support? I understand if you do not.” And I’m second-guessing on both sides. Was that EXTREMELY WRONG to ask your adult son? Or was it so mild and had a built-in excuse and there’s no way that anyone would think that required any follow-up? I have no idea.

    He texted me a while later that he did not have the energy and he was sorry, but could we speak tomorrow (which is today). I posted a little thumb’s up on that, because I was sad and disappointed but I also really didn’t want to, like, MAKE him talk with me, and I did want to speak with him today, and… he hasn’t called.

    I know that phones work both ways and that I can call him if I want to. But I don’t want to. I would like him to be aware enough and to care enough to think, “hm, my mom sent me an usual text yesterday I wonder how she’s doing?” I know it’s wrong to turn this into a referendum on Our Relationship or on What’s Wrong With My Kid Anyway, but right now that’s sort of how I’m feeling.

    If you think I’m completely full of crap please tell me gently, because I’m in bad shape right now due to the lockdown and the general state of everything, and this thing with my kid isn’t helping.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I’m so sorry you’re hurting! This sounds tough.
      If you can, I’d take a deep breath and ring him (maybe tomorrow) and say that you’re feeling hurt by him not ringing. It also seems a bit unfair, too.

      I think if you didn’t want him to say he wasn’t available for you, you shouldn’t have asked him, although can I just say thank you for doing that, that was incredibly thoughtful, and I know you aren’t feeling it right now, but it’s good that you have the type of relationship where he can be honest with you.

      Perhaps he was scared by the emotion, who knows. And I don’t think you could let him know emotionally what you’re originally dealing with because he had said he doesn’t want to hear it and if you approached that subject I think you’d be opening yourself up to more hurt.
      But what you can do, is tell him how you’re feeling by his response and what you wanted from him.

      Telling someone what we need from them is a very powerful magic spell that we too often ignore.

      Sending you best wishes and thoughts.

    2. Misty*

      I’m sorry that that happened. It sounds really rough to deal with. It’s hard to put yourself out there and feel rejected (based on my experience with asking for what I need.)

      I’m 26 but don’t have any relationships with any parent figures so I’m not sure how I would reacted but I don’t think you were out of line to ask him for emotional support, nor was he out of line to say that he wasn’t feeling up to it. I’m glad he could be honest with you. I’m glad he texted you back. Maybe you could call him and talk to him on the phone even if it wasn’t about things that you need emotional support around? I hope that you can talk to him on the phone soon if possible. It sounds like you really care about your children a lot.

      I will be thinking about you this upcoming week and wishing you well. Internet hugs if you would like them.

    3. D3*

      Is there a chance that the emotional support you needed could have put him in an awkward spot between you and his dad?
      Because I have BTDT – and had to draw a FIRM line with both of my parents that I will not listen to them b!tch about the other.
      So if that’s what he thought you were asking, I can understand why he declined.

    4. juliebulie*

      You’re not full of crap. What you are feeling is reasonable.

      On the other hand, it can be scary for adult children to realize that their parents are vulnerable.

      Also: You texted “I understand if you do not” – but it sounds as though you do not understand. It might have been more constructive to text “I need you,” without making it sound as though you’re fine with him not responding. Because you are not fine! (Maybe you were not expecting this outcome?)

      I’m sorry he didn’t call you back. I can’t imagine not responding to my mother if she said she needed me – whether she said she understood or not. I think you should call him and find out what’s going on – because it sounds like he might not be fine either. Perhaps you can support one another.

    5. valentine*

      He took you at your word, which is the right thing to do. Looking at the words alone, it’s a great exchange.

      The problem I see is on your side. Because you, probably not so secretly (both of which are paramount, and if it’s not secret, even if unspoken, that’s worse than if he has no idea):
      ~don’t accept no as an answer here
      ~do not understand him not being able to (and this is separate from taking no for an answer)
      ~want a lot more (in quantity; and emotional labor-wise, which is exponential): for him to: (1) know how you feel (2) know what you want (3) call you (4) say something specific)
      ~haven’t told him you want anything else

      Is it possible he thinks the moment has passed? Imagine you asked if he wanted to come over for dinner that night (this is purely a substitution so you can focus on the words and not how you feel about it all; I don’t mean this is equal to your request/need) and gave him an out, and he said, “No, thanks.” No follow-up needed, right? Because you offered a binary for tonight; you didn’t offer an alternative. The jury can’t just decide they’re going to go for manslaughter when it’s not on the list. They can ask if it’s possible to add it, but most people are going to silo on the list as the only possibilities, especially if they’ve also never heard of jury nullification.

      Is this isn’t the first time you’ve had secret (to you) wants, needs, and disappointment, the disappointment is a punishment for not meeting your wants and needs, even though you said that would be okay. If he’s never said no to you, this could be massive for him. If he’s allowed (on paper) to say no to you, but you’re always unhappy about it, he’s rightly going to avoid the backlash.

      That said, this is a single instance and, if I am way off about everything but my first line, you can ask for his help again, but, it being new, you’ll want to be really specific. You want to talk about x, y, and z, for about q time. If he’s seen you talk to or text friends for hours about q-z or a-m, he might think that’s what you wanted. By dropping your end, you’re creating another binary he may not be aware of. He may not know he only had one chance and you’re prepared never to ask again. And you don’t have to do that. But I think a big-picture discussion outside of the moment, and specifics in the moment, are necessary for you to change your relationship. Above all, you have to learn to be happy with a no, and even to be proud of him for creating and holding a boundary with you and looking after himself.

      And if you don’t have a Team You, or if you do, but they weren’t available, this is a time to branch out.

    6. Confused Parent*

      Hi. Thank you all for being so gentle.

      I did mean it when I said “I understand if you don’t have the energy” but I guess I meant I understand if you don’t have it *at this very moment.* I thought his response meant “we will talk about this tomorrow.” His exact response was “I really don’t right now, and I’m sorry! Can we chat tomorrow, or is this an urgent thing?” So I did expect to chat today, and honestly I wish he would have called me. Again, I do know that phones work both ways, but I’m hurt that either he forgot to follow up, or he “forgot” to follow up.

      It’s thoughtful that people are concerned about what I might be burdening him with. I’m his only parent, and I would *never* bring him into a conflict with my husband (his step-father). The real reason I reached out is that lockdown is getting to me, and not knowing what the world will be like post-lockdown is getting to me even more, and I really really miss him and his brother. I was sad because I don’t really know when I’ll see them again.

      I know that that is adding to my hurt feelings right now, that I was missing them both so much it was really debilitating, and then for whatever reason he wound up not contacting me today.

      I also want to just reiterate that this is out of character for me. I’m not a parent who’s constantly calling her kids, or texting them things like “I miss you comfort me now.” I’m feeling a bit like chopped liver, to be honest.

      1. Loving adult child*

        Confused, I feel your pain and I can tell that you’re hurting. If you can, there are a few things you might remind yourself.

        (1) Things are really, really hard for everyone right now, and it sounds like your son might have some mental health struggles. Even if that’s not true, I think it can be hard for parents to know the pressures or struggles of their adult kids. My parents, for instance, may have the impression that I’m not caring when I don’t follow their suggestions to call certain relatives—but what they don’t see is that I play a much more intense role as a caregiver to friends for whom I’m a much more important source of support, and sometimes need to preserve emotional energy for that. This can take different forms, of course, the point is just that you really might not be seeing where his energy goes.

        Also, parents really underestimate how much emotional energy their children put towards them even when the parents think they are not seeking support. (E.g., it doesn’t matter if you never pressure your children to spend a holiday with you if they just know it would make you really sad not to see them). For instance, I think I’m going to be telling my parents this week that I’m not up for a visit yet given the pandemic conditions—but what they won’t see is the hours of torturous angsting behind the scenes it took me to get to that.

        (2) The way your son responded was actually nice and vulnerable and honest, and seemed like a great example of good communication until the lack of a follow-up call! Which is not ideal, I get why you’re a little sad—but really all in all this seemed like a very reasonable course for your son, he even gave you room to say, “actually I would really like to talk now.”

        (3) The fact that you have not asked for support in the past does not affect how much emotional bandwidth hw has in the present—and a lot of people are really, really low on the bandwidth front, for tons of possible reasons. I get that it makes you feel like he should realize something is really wrong, but you asked in a really really gentle way and didn’t take him up on his offer to suggest that it was urgent, nor did you follow up the next day. A very good-hearted person who is emotionally exhausted/dealing with their own stuff—and told you as much—could pretty reasonably be too exhausted to follow up on your behalf, even if it’d be better to have called.

      2. Applehats*

        If I were the son, I would be waiting for a follow up from you. To me, a thumbs up to that message is kind of ambiguous, like are you saying yes that you need to talk urgently or yes you can talk tomorrow? So I’d be looking for you to set a time for me to call, or I’d assume you’d be calling me yourself sometime today, but things may be different based on your family norms

    7. Fiona*

      This is so tough and I think your feelings are 1000% valid. You’re allowed to feel sad, hurt, and lonely even if your son didn’t do anything explicitly wrong. It sucks to have to prod someone to be more caring but you may need to ask him for that now. I hope you have a good talk with him at some point and that you feel better. Be gentle with yourself and maybe reach out to a friend, if possible, to get your needs met if your son isn’t able to meet them at the moment.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      To be a bit blunt, it’s extremely wrong to go “can you (whatever)? If not that’s fine” and then get upset and not-fine when they say no, they cannot in fact (whatever).

      I don’t think you’re completely full of crap, but I do think your son heard what you said and was comfortable enough in your relationship to be honest with you that no, he didn’t have the spoons for what you needed, and that pushing back on him for that honesty, after initially telling him it would be safe to be honest, would probably be harmful to your relationship. What if his thought today was “I wonder how my mom is doing… but I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity right now to support her the way she seems to need, and I don’t want to mislead her by opening that door that I can’t actually go through right now”?

      Or, I mean, sure, maybe he’s just a thoughtless jerk, but then we get back to, you explicitly told him saying no was okay, so you don’t get to get upset at him for saying no.

      1. LibbyG*

        I disagree with Red in the sense that you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. It’s natural to feel frustrated and let down.

        I wonder from you follow-up post, though, if you might have had a different outcome if you said something more like, “I miss you and want to hear your voice. Can we talk soon? Maybe today?”

        When I was in my 20s I would have heard “emotional support” and thought “I must have something incredibly insightful to say in response to some kind of unsolvable problem or else I’ll let my mom down!!!”
        But, my mom wants to hear my voice? That I can do! The emotional support (asking how she is and meaning it) would have happened without the label.

        My perspective may not relate to your dynamic with your son – just sharing in case it does.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Sorry, I may have been unclear – of course she can feel however, that’s not the issue, it’s expressing the upset *to him specifically* that would be massively uncool under the circumstances. That’s what I meant by “at him.”

        2. baconeggandcheeseplz*

          I agree with this — “emotional support” sounds a ~lot~ more daunting than it is, especially when it comes from a parent.

          I’m wondering if the lack of follow up was partially him unclear on what you expected? He responded asking if you could talk tomorrow instead, unless it was urgent, and it sounds like you just “reacted” (on iOS, maybe) with a thumbs up…. but you didn’t explicitly follow up to his message with “yes, tomorrow would be great” or “yes, please call me whenever you’re free” or “i’ll call you tomorrow then” or however you would have said it. I totally understand wanting/hoping he would follow up regardless based on your initial text, but maybe he thought he put the ball in your court and didn’t know you sent it back to him (when you said “yes call me tomorrow” in your heard, but not via text). I think it’s especially easy when you’re feeling down to attribute negative reasons towards someone else’s lack of awareness of what you need (whatever that negative spiral looks like for you), but keep in mind that no one is a mindreader. I have to remind myself of that all the time when I have situations like this. Sometimes I get upset because someone never responded to my text, and then realize that I forgot to hit send because in my head I already sent it.

          I’m sorry you’re feeling sad and I hope that you get to talk to your son soon!

    9. JediSquirrel*

      I don’t know you or your son, beyond what you’ve posted here. But please call your son. I’m sure you’ll feel better. He’s probably a bit confused and/or surprised, and the present situation has us all in places we’ve never been before.

      Please let us know how you’re doing. We’re all confused right now.

    10. Be the Change*

      I’m so sorry you are hurting. This is not very comforting, but… I was all of probably 48 — seven years after my mother died (ffs) — before I realized that I should have been far more aware of her as a human being separate from myself who deserved my friendship. I loved her and cared for her, but was not a good friend to her. And I’m a person with a reputation for high emotional intelligence! (Fail….) So perhaps a young person with problems is not going to be super perceptive; even though he loves you, he’s just kind of unaware this way.

      You were not out of line to ask, of course not. Please don’t let it hurt you further though. Looking at your details in your comment below, seems like it was cluelessness rather than anything worse going on.

    11. Washi*

      I don’t think the text was “out of line”, and I can see why you feel the way you do. I would be hurt too.

      That said, “I’m a bit tired of making excuses for this particular child, who has a slew of stuff that I don’t want to get into detail about. Let’s just say that sometimes it’s hard to tell what is a mental health challenge and what is a choice and what is a character trait” really gave me pause.

      When you texted your son, were you texting with the relationship you actually have or the one you wish you had in mind? There’s a sense in your post of sort of “I knew this would happen, the least he could do is X, all I wanted was Y.” Something I’ve learned the hard way is not to set the people I love up to fail. It doesn’t matter what I think should happen, I need to deal with what is realistic and also trust that those I love want to help me, but I need to help them help me, if that makes sense.

      Back to the situation at hand, I am genuinely curious if this was the approach you thought was most likely to turn out the way you wanted, or the approach that you thought SHOULD get you what you wanted? How much are you upset about this particular moment, and how much is sadness, hurt, and anger that perhaps your relationship is not what you wish it were? Is there anything you wish you did differently with your son? Are there any sad realizations that being angry at your son protects you from?

      1. Confused Parent*

        This is really insightful and I appreciate it. This child and I are both very word-oriented, and we both fall hard on the side of negotiation and consent, even in/especially in our relationship with each other.

        We have a more-or-less regular phone call scheduled for Sundays, so the fact that I wanted to talk on Saturday is unusual. I also was crying a little bit because I was missing them both with no apparent end in sight. I know that tears are hard for him and I didn’t want to spring them on him. So I wanted to give him a heads-up that I would have some Needs during the call. I think I thought that taking one thing with another, IF I was choosing to ask him for something, this was the best way to do it.

        What I really wanted, I think, was to be able to say “it’s really hard for me not to know when I’ll see either of you,” and to hear back, first, that it was hard for him too, and second, that he has some belief or theory about when that will be. I chose to reach out to him and not his brother because his brother is younger and I think would actually be more freaked out by Needy Mom. Also, this child and I really are very similar in a lot of ways and I think he would in fact understand why I was upset and be able to talk through with me “well if this happens then we might see each other in August, but if it’s this other thing then maybe in October” and whatnot.

        But it’s also true that I feel that I provide a tremendous amount of emotional and practical support to both of them, and I know from my own experience that as parents age and adult children get older, some of those roles shift. I don’t want to suddenly ask them to balance my checkbook and do my grocery shopping, but I think that I’d like to know that we’re at some point going to slide the bar away from Mom Takes Care Of All Of Us to Sometimes We Think About Mom Too. So maybe this was sort of an experiment gone awry.

        I don’t think I was setting him up to fail as much as I was hoping he would… stretch himself a little bit.

    12. Morning reader*

      I wonder if this is the kind of language or terminology he’s used to hearing from you or within your family. If one of my family members said exactly that to me, I’d think they’d had some scripts from a therapist and possibly some really bad news to share. Also wondering if he knows what you need support about. Might be obvious given our current situation but does he know that? If not, maybe he is thinking the worse and avoiding hearing it. “I would like your emotional support” sounds to me like someone (maybe you) is dying, getting divorced, going bankrupt, going to jail, or (fill in the blank calamity.) perhaps text him back with a “we’re all fine, but I’m feeling down and it would be a big help if I could hear your voice, please call when you can.”
      Just one possibility that maybe he’s scared for you. I hope you hear from him soon and clear it all up, also that nothing calamitous has befallen you.

    13. Vic tower*

      You sound like a lovely parent and I’m sure your son didn’t mean to hurt you. He probably does have his own challenges, he probably should have still followed up today and you probably should have been a bit more clear about what you need/expect from him. I hope you can call him or his brother and reconnect. Sending internet hugs

  129. Elizabeth West*

    Aaack!

    WordPress decided to take away the ability for a Premium account to have a PayPal button that redirects to a download page, say, for an e-book. If you want one, you now have to upgrade to the Business plan, which is $300 a year instead of $99 a year. They have a Simple Payments button now that will do a PayPal payment, but you have to MANUALLY send the customer a link or a file.

    I discovered this when I tried to put the button back on after a free promotion of my story collection. I can’t afford a Business plan for a 99-cent e-book, so I am now forced to put it on Amazon if I want to actually sell it. It really pisses me off that they did this. It’s hard enough for indie authors to make any money; why not just make it worse? The book price will be the same. That means instead of the 69 cents I get after PayPal takes a cut, I will only earn about 34 cents a copy. Oh well. I JUST DO THIS FOR THE LOVE OF IT, RIGHT??????

    I did come up with the best cover ever for this edition, heh heh.

    1. nep*

      That sucks. (And crappy timing if they did it during this pandemic period…)
      Good luck with sales.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I’m really going back and forth over raising the price. It was originally $1.99 when I used it for a fundraiser. But it’s so short. It kind of feels like a gouge to go over 99 cents when I was offering it for that (and then for free). But I don’t want to leave it open as free and lose control of distribution.

  130. nep*

    Super late here…
    Where do you sit to read?
    Given my living situation, I’ve got limited places to sit for reading, none very comfortable. And I really long for a great, comfortable spot for reading.
    I have been browsing chairs, as part of me wants to just once and for all buy something that would help me set up the reading area I want and need in my tiny space.
    What kind of chair/set-up works for you for reading?

    1. JediSquirrel*

      I’m with you here. I used to have a very comfy chair that ultimately fell apart, and I feel like my reading has dropped off a lot since then.

      Right now, the most comfortable place to read is sitting on the floor in my living room, and it doesn’t stay comfortable for long. I had been meaning to buy new furniture before all this, but…as I’ll probably be moving soon, it will work out.

      I guess my bed is the most comfortable place for now, but I just don’t have the attention span for reading, alas.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. I hear you. I know I do better (reading more) when I’ve got a great spot that just works.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do all my reading in bed, for about 45 minutes a night before I (try to) go to sleep.

      1. nep*

        I don’t know why I’ve resisted trying that–I’m going to see how it goes.
        Thanks.

    3. Claire*

      I read wherever I am. On the couch, in bed, on the garden bench, in the bath, on the bus (not these days)…. but I probably do most of my reading lying on my bed these days.

    4. ..Kat..*

      When you can safely go to a furniture store, take a book with you and try out different chairs. You may have to test drive each chair for 20 to 30 minutes before you know whether it will be a good chair. The 20 to 30 minutes is the amount of time that I estimate it will take to know if holding a book while sitting in the chair becomes uncomfortable.

  131. Be the Change*

    I know it’s late in the weekend, so no worries if no one happens to see this. It’s whiny anyway.

    I am absolutely the luckiest person I know, bar none, and I recognize that. But I am slumping this weekend. It seems that meanness and ignorance is more powerful than wisdom and kindness, if only in terms of sheer numbers, and this breaks my heart.

    Also I’m afraid I will never see my sister again because of society melting down, or maybe she’ll get sick — not rational, just my fear. We live across the country from each other so it’ll be a while before we get back in touch no matter what.

    Okay… Guess I will go drink a nice IPA and see if I can do a couple of good things like send cards to the sister and my sister in law whose birthday is coming up. Thank you AAMers for being here, and being both kind and wise.

    1. Blueberry*

      I saw it. I hear you. I don’t have any advice or anything, but I wanted you to know I hear you.

    2. nep*

      I hear you–it does sometimes seem that meanness and ignorance are stronger than wisdom and kindness. But there is the essence of me (and probably you) that knows that’s not true; even if the numbers seem to be on the side of meanness sometimes, the power is on the side of love.
      I know that doesn’t quite help when we are feeling overwhelmed–I have many moments I don’t act like I know it. And I’m scared as hell about my grand-niece losing many loved ones in her life.
      Sorry you’re struggling.
      The melting-down world needs those who care about kindness.
      Your handle is the answer.
      Peace and best of health to you and yours.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        Oh @nep, this was a wonderful reply. Thank you so much for your wisdom.

        And @bethechange: we are in this together, whether we like it or not. I have similar fears and I understand. My brain has been sending me a lot of irrational messages as well. These are not normal times, but together, we will get through them.

        Sending you good thoughts.

    3. LibbyG*

      I see you! I’m having a weary spell too. I hope the card-writing (and the tasty brew) restore your spirit!

    4. Be the Change*

      I knew it was the right thing to do, to share here! *Thank you* all so much.

    6. nep*

      Just saw this–closing paragraphs in a piece in by Peter Wehner in The Atlantic:

      Solzhenitsyn went on to say that writers and artists can achieve more; they can conquer falsehoods. “Falsehood can hold out against much in this world, but not against art,” he said.

      But art, as powerful as it is, is not the only instrument with which to fight falsehoods. There are also the daily acts of integrity of common men and women who will not believe the lies or spread the lies, who will not allow the foundation of truth—factual truth, moral truth—to be destroyed, and who, in standing for truth, will help heal this broken land.

      1. nep*

        (Not sure whether that resonates or fits here…If not, I’m sorry and please disregard. If Alison’s seeing this, I’d prefer to delete it…The thread flowed so nicely and was fine without.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          FWIW, I hope she leaves it in place. I think it fits. But, Alison, your call,of course.

Comments are closed.