weekend free-for-all – May 23-24, 2020

by Alison Green on May 23, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: All Adults Here, by Emma Straub. This is a story about the messiness of families, as all Emma Straub’s novels are: a grandmother who rethinks her life when she sees an acquaintance get hit by a bus, a teenager granddaughter who comes to live with her after an upsetting incident at school, the friend she makes in her new town, and a web of family members all intertwined.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. anonThisTime*

    Has anyone used Discover Card’s CDs (certificate of deposits)? Were they good/bad/other?

    1. fposte*

      I have. They’re fine. For CDs, as long as you’re not getting into a really suspect or flaky bank, they’re likely all to be fine; it’s just a question of duration and chosen rate.

    2. Squidhead*

      I have in the past. We have a money market account with them too so it was easy to buy the CD from our funds and then at the end of the term have the money just go back into our account. I never needed to take out funds early or do anything complicated. We also have a Discover credit card and all accounts will show up when you log in, in case that’s an issue.

      Last I checked (2 weeks ago?) The interest rate for the MMA and the 1-year CDs were both less than 1.5%, and I imagine this is comparable to everywhere else right now!

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Chase was 0.2%. Not a typo! I opted not to enter into a new term when one of my CDs reached maturity a couple weeks ago.

      2. anonThisTime*

        Discover Card looked like it was one of the higher interest rates. Maybe bonds are a better idea now.

      3. Public Sector Manager*

        I just got a mailer yesterday from Goldman Sachs and their new product Marcus was doing a high-yield savings account at 1.3% with no set minimum deposit required. I ended up using Marcus for a personal loan last year and the approval was less than 5 minutes and the money was in my account in about a half-hour. No problems using them so far.

  2. Treebeardette*

    What do you do to cope with stress in your life? Books, tips, shows, etc? I’m way more stressed at this time for obvious reasons and I need to pick up better coping skills. Keep it positive, please!

    1. Drew*

      Maybe a little “trite” but I make sure to get physical activity every single day, seven days a week, whether running, walking, biking or yoga (and sometimes 2x/day). Don’t underestimate the mental impact of physical exercise and its positive effect on stress.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Good point!
        I walk, as far as I can although I have bad bad joints so sometimes it’s really painful.

        I can start a walk overthinking stuff and not paying attention, but then my mind calms down the further I go, so by the end I’m just thinking of putting one foot in front of the other.

        I miss swimming! The pool is closed right now. You’ve reminded me that I want to buy a bike, and to try Pilates!

        1. Caroline Bowman*

          a good option for dicey joints is rebounding, aka trampolining. I was advised to do it as a counterpoint to running, because I was getting bad plantar fascitis and the podiatrist said that it is an excellent, calorie-burning, sweat-making activity that does no harm to joints and is gentle. Good for circulation too, lymph drainage and so on. You can get a little one and just do short youtube videos and you’ll soon get into it! It’s quite uplifting, not just literally (so witty!) but fun and a bit silly.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          I added in occasional Pilates, as I am limited in how much weight-on-legs exercise I can do and my former saviour, the pool, is closed. A lot of the exercises are done on the floor rather than standing.

          1. allathian*

            I miss my weekly Tai Chi classes. I have the opposite problem, sitting on the floor is painful, I’m too stiff to squat on my haunches, so yoga and Pilates are out because you have to be on the floor so much.

            1. Koala dreams*

              I do some simple yoga exercises sitting on a chair or on an exercise ball. It’s not a full work out by any means, but it’s something. There are some chair exercises out there if you are interested.

          2. Lena Clare*

            Yeah my podiatrist says I have hypermobility so yoga is making it worse, and I should do Pilates instead.

      2. epi*

        This is a really important one. Physical activity reduces stress, it is simply how our bodies and emotions work. Find a way to move your body that you find enjoyable, or at least tolerable and repeatable, right now. Don’t worry about getting fit or self improvement; focus on the immediate benefits to your mental and emotional well-being. Those rewards will help you build an exercise habit you’ll always want to go back to. Personally, I like yoga and going for walks. There are tons of free yoga videos available online now that don’t require you to have much equipment or any experience.

        If you think you don’t have time, dancing, getting up and stretching, going up and down the stairs a few times, or standing up and doing a lightly active chore like doing dishes or cleaning the floors all count as moving your body. They can also allow you to zone out and relax your brain for a bit. Take a quick one if stress or tiredness is interfering with something more sedentary that you are doing.

        I would also recommend the book “Burnout” by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski. While the book was written for women, it discusses how to safely and healthfully deal with chronic stress, without checking out of things that are important to you. I think it would be relevant to almost anyone right now for that reason. The book also talks about other good ways to deal with stress, including things you can do when exercise truly isn’t an option.

        1. Phlox*

          I’m halfway through Burnout and it’s such a great read, acknowledging structural underpinnings of stress (racism, sexism and more influence your reality!), actual science and really great practical here’s what to do.

    2. Kiitemso*

      The book Burnout by Emily Nagoski really helped me deal with stress. It is specifically directed at women’s stress but it has advice for any gender. It goes into science and one of the most important things I got from it that stress is a physical reaction and requires a physical response, you unfortunately can’t just “think” it away.

      Since then, I’ve tried to do something physical if I feel stressed. Exercise, even if it’s just light yoga or a walk.

      1. WickedWitch*

        I have found that audio books (for my purpose mostly light fiction/mysteries and some humor and biographies) are my drug of choice. Some podcasts too, if they don’t hit any buttons which make you mad, sad, anxious, up tight, etc. As I’ve aged I often either can’t get to sleep or I wake up too often. So I turn my book on, hope it puts me to sleep, and just rewind to the last thing I remember the next time I want to listen. I listen if I want to while cooking, cleaning, walking, yard work – sometimes even in the shower!

        I put the books on my phone and use an inexpensive-ish regular Bluetooth phone earpiece. I don’t need a noise blocking headset, I don’t use it for that purpose. Most libraries have audio books to borrow, and I’m lucky that my daughter lives in a big metro area with a bigger library than my area has, so I have access to 2 libraries to download from.

        When my mind isn’t necessarily occupied with useful tasks, it sometimes likes to worry, fret go in circles, or fixate on things I can do nothing about. This pretty much keeps me from needless negative thinking!

        1. Kate Daniels*

          Yes! I have had the hardest time concentrating on reading over the past two months, but I’m getting through a lot of books via audiobooks. Organizing and tidying up my apartment has also helped reduce my stress and anxiety because it makes me feel like I have control over *something*, and audiobooks and cleaning go well together hand in hand.

      2. Kate*

        That book is seriously awesome. The need to close out the stress cycle completely changed how I saw stress, and yes, I have also started getting physical and stopped trying to “think it away”.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Maybe this is too rudimentary, but for me it’s very important to structure my life as if I were not stressed. What I mean is, I try to maintain a predictable sleep schedule, I try to eat my main meals at mealtime (I’m always a grazer), I try to keep my space somewhat tidy, I try to maintain my stretching and exercise routine.

      It’s not quite “fake it til you make it.” It’s more that for me, letting those things slide sort of reinforces my feeling of being stressed. So maybe it doesn’t *address* the stress, but it helps keep it from getting worse.

      1. BethDH*

        This is important to me too. I’ve realized that anything in my life that is out of joint adds to my stress. Even more importantly, the stress increase contributed by something is often out of measure with the thing. Having the sink empty is one of those things for me. So is having showered within the last 24 hours. Little things can be surprisingly big.

    4. nep*

      As others have said, exercise.
      A good cry can help, if it comes…but for me it rarely comes.
      Watching funny shows/blooper reels.
      Listening to speakers whose words/approaches resonate with me.
      Deep breathing.
      EFT tapping.

      Hope you’ll find some relief.

    5. Retail not Retail*

      Walking my dang dog and reading.

      This is the no work thread but my work is not super stressful when compared to like a salaried office job. Clock in, do hard physical labor, clock out, forget what you did immediately.

      Also while we were closed to the public I really enjoyed walking through the empty park taking pictures and playing pokemon go.

      Ah yes, walking the dog includes pokemon go. I mean. Obviously.

    6. chi chan*

      Two things I usually do is ASMR to fall asleep and journaling. I write down all thoughts and worries. Sometimes that helps identify where the stress is coming from too, like social media or the news or my mom. Then I try to reduce it at the source. After writing everything down try to divide it into what you can and can’t control. But writing is cathartic in itself.

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      Reading, walking the dog, and gardening. The trick with the reading is to choose something challenging (I just finished a nonfiction book about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge) so that my mind has to stay focused on the book instead of meandering off. If I read something too light I just end up ruminating. Pulling weeds can be very satisfying, both because you can see your progress and if you’re frustrated by something you can project that onto the weeds and then yank them (weed and frustration combined) out of the ground and throw them away. Since my dog takes extreme joy in going for walks, it’s almost impossible not to pick up on his good vibes. I hope you find something that works for you, we’re all challenged with this right now!

        1. Kate*

          Here I was scrolling down and this caught me unawares… to paln a wedding in order to fight boredom?

      2. Clisby*

        Every day I go out for at least 15 minutes and fight the good fight against the encroaching jungle in my back yard. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Virginia Creeper? Probably not. I’m motivated to get as much done as possible while Charleston, SC weather is still bearable because once we hit July there is not a single hour in the day when I’d be willing to do this.

    8. Coco*

      Structure def helps for me. Lately time being more blobby than usual has been stressful so keeping the weekly/ daily schedule as normal as possible has helped.
      For me it means the same level of alcohol consumption as previously. Making Sunday, cinnamon roll Sunday. Getting up at the same time to walk the dogs. Making the bed daily. Doing laundry once a week. Anything that keeps my head in ‘this is normal and fine and we are on autopliot’ territory.

    9. bring on the silver*

      Exercise – specifically going for a walk before I start my work day. Even if it’s just 10 minutes, I can tell it helps.
      Gardening – and researching gardening things online. My fantasy garden is a lot more impressive than my real garden, which consists of about 10 pots on my patio, but I am veryyy knowledgable about a lot of things I will never get the chance to use.
      Puzzling – after I clock out (I’m wfh these days) I have a glass of wine and sit and work on my current puzzle. I’ll often listen to a podcast or music but a lot of times I just decompress.
      Weekly zoom meeting with friends – this is good overall but sometimes I bow out when I’ve just been on my computer too much and can’t deal with another obligation

    10. Treebeardette*

      Hey everyone! I love all the replies. I’ll continue to read them as they roll in. Thank you! This is giving me great ideas.

    11. Book Lover*

      Cross stitch. Listening to podcasts that have nothing to do with what is going on right now. Good tv from the 90s and 00s.

      1. Lili*

        I heart cross stitch. I Just tried a needle felting kit I got for Christmas. Stabbing something repeatedly is also cathartic and as a bonus, you get something artistic and pretty at the end.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        Second the podcast rec. I have a couple of cryptozoological and paranormal podcasts that I binge when I walk. It’s fun listening to weird stuff and getting some exercise at the same time.

    12. Jackalope*

      Exercise has been my biggest; if nothing else it wears me down enough that I can actually get some sleep at night rather than worrying about Things, which helps. I’ve been doing a lot of comfort reading of old favorites; I’ve also read some new stuff but had a few nasty surprises (like reading at a friend’s recommendation the book Station 11, which through horrible timing I got [not knowing the plot or what it was about at all] in the middle of March….). I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself as far as keeping myself busy enough at house upkeep (basic cleaning, etc.) to have the house be a reasonable place to live but also knowing I have less mental energy for it. And when I was younger I had a video game that I played at a cousin’s house and loved but never got to finish. My husband happens to have a copy of it (redone a tiny bit but otherwise still the same), and so I picked this time to play it. I get the feeling of Saving the World, can relax while grinding, and the music brings back happy memories of a good time in my life visiting family.

    13. Fikly*

      The general can be applied to most everyone version is that I make sure I have a list of coping activities, so when one stops working, I’m not out of options.

      And it can be really helpful to have that list written down, because thinking of what will help when you are super stressed out is a lot harder than thinking of those things when you are not stressed out.

      My mains are podcasts, tv, reading, and cross stitching.

    14. Mark*

      Pet therapy. When I get home from work, I play with the dogs for awhile. Then I sit back in the recliner with one or two cats on my lap and the dogs at my feet, and watch TV. It is soooo relaxing to be surrounded by animals that think you are the coolest person ever!

    15. lazy intellectual*

      I just try to stay as busy and active as possible:

      – Yoga and stretching help a lot
      – Listening to music or audiobooks while I cook and clean
      – I watch funny videos on YouTube to cheer me up
      – Go on walk as daily as possible
      – Calls/video chats with friends and family help a lot, too
      – I’ve re-taken to creative hobbies I had more or less abandoned as an adult like painting, writing, and playing the keyboard
      – I’m not big into T.V. but I’ve been occasionally watching movies on the weekends while baking or something

      I’ve been stressed, too. Hang in there!

    16. Natalie*

      For me, managing my stress is not just what I actively choose to do (read a book, watch a funny YouTube video, good sleep, and exercise) but also what activities I choose to avoid.
      At least two days a week I don’t read or watch any news, and on those days I also stay off of social media.
      I’m kind of a news-junkie, so at first it was really hard to give up my daily newspaper reading, but it’s been good for my blood pressure.
      I didn’t go complete cold-turkey; but carving out parts of my life to be politics free has been really healthy for me.
      YMMV, of course! :-)

      1. Kate Daniels*

        I love the idea of taking a break from all news and social media at least two days a week! I was planning on potentially cutting all screen time for myself either tomorrow or on Monday.

    17. Misty*

      Exercise every day if possible, also keeping up a schedule (such as showering, a good sleep schedule, wearing actually clothes instead of PJs all day even though I’m staying home all day), limiting the news, listening to upbeat music

      Also watching funny youtube videos helps. Yesterday I felt really stressed then I watched this five minute youtube video and I started laughing and I felt better after. A pretty small time commitment for a big benefit!

    19. Elizabeth West*

      Exercise (mostly walking) and meditation, although I’m finding it extremely difficult to do either right now because of my location. They do help, though.

    20. Stephanie*

      I’ve discovered Yoga with Adriene on Youtube. She has lots and lots of videos, but I started her 30 days of yoga series and it has really helped me cope with all of the stress. They’re all relatively short (under 30 minutes, some are a lot shorter), and you don’t need any experience with yoga to do it.

    21. charo*

      I read myself to sleep. Usually current Mysteries. Not that original, I know.
      BUT if you’re NOT a mystery reader, know that there are lots of genres, some dark, some “cozy,” and some “funny.”
      If you find the one you like it can be very distracting from your life and easy enough to read that it’s relaxing. Not always that violent, either, more a game of wits.

      Jigsaw puzzles are relaxing for me too; as a big reader, how non-verbal it is is calming.

      Cooking and Baking are satisfying but currently dangerously fattening. Stress Baking is so tempting now.

      I used to do Crossword Puzzles but lately, as a news junkie, I just can’t. It feels like work.

  3. Dorothy Perkins*

    Has anyone here had a romantic relationship where you were the opposite of your partner in terms of eating and physical habits? How did it work in the long run? My partner being a real health and exercise nut, and me not so much. We are compatible in other ways, but I sometimes feel like she is overdoing it on the exercising and dieting and wanting to keep her super thin weight/frame. The relationship is good but I feel like these things are getting in the way sometimes. I worry about her weight too. I would appreciate any who has experience with this weighing in.

    1. Kiitemso*

      I find if you can find compromise between extremes it will work. My dad’s fiancee is a gym/health nut who never uses butter or eats pasta, my dad loves physical activity but also loves food and enjoys cooking something delicious but high in calories. At first he was steaming vegetables with lean meats but soon enough he started going back to his usual ways and she eased up on her eating when she was with him, though she still never eats dessert. So in essence they met half-way. Exercise is important to both but they do different things – he does martial arts, biking and running, she does gym and jogging. Sometimes they hike together.

      It also helps neither of them judges the other. Sometimes they tease each other about the other’s habits but it’s never mean-spirited.

    2. The Twelfth Doctor*

      I was engaged to a woman who was like your partner. Like your relationship, we were compatible in many ways but the diet and exercise divide was too great for us. She was very thin when we met, and had lost more weight during the course of us dating. It wasn’t healthy, she looked sick to the point where people noticed and commented and exercise monopolized all her free time. It’s not much of a relationship when you don’t see the other person. It was years ago, through mutual friends I know she married a personal trainer and I have seen photos of her online. She is still really thin and it has aged her. But I’m married to a wonderful woman now. My ex and I were just not meant to be. We couldn’t make it work.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’m not sure if your post is a code for “I’m concerned about my partner’s physical or mental health.” There’s a difference between having different choices and priorities, and being worried about your partner’s wellbeing.

      1. Washi*

        Yes, “my partner likes to exercise more than I do” is a different level of question from “I think my partner might have an eating disorder/other health problem.” The first I’ve found to be a pretty easily surmountable problem as the more active partner, as long as you can each see the value in the other’s approach (my husband appreciates that I get him moving, I appreciate that he helps me relax.)

        The second is more challenging. Have you talked about it with her? How does exercise and dieting make her feel? How much of her day does she spend thinking about her weight? What does she see as the benefits of her approach, and what are the cons? Regardless of what’s happening, I think the most important thing is that you be able to talk about it honestly (if you aren’t already). Not to fix her, but from a place of curiosity and wanting to understand the person you love.

        1. runner*

          Talking about things honestly and with a goal to understanding is really important, I echo this!

          I did want to add, as someone who loves running (e.g. double-digit runs on weekends, running 6ish days a week) that sometimes a healthy appreciation for a particular sport is read as being an “exercise nut” who has an inherently bad relationship with their body. Loving to run long distances and watching what I eat accordingly is not the same thing as having an eating disorder, at least for me. (This varies so widely by person, of course.)

          In any case, it can be a little wearying for people to assume there’s something wrong, just because we enjoy exercise (there was an AITA this week along these lines). I’m not saying you assume this, only pointing out the importance of understanding and listening.

          You may find that your interests aren’t compatible, or come away with a different appreciation for each other’s passions, but an honest talk geared to understanding will make that smoother.

          Good luck!

          1. university minion*

            Everything you said is true, but I’ve also seen running (and triathlon) training as a way to check out of a relationship. After a million years on the edge of the running and tri communities, I can predict the year’s divorces (and subsequent new hookups) with amazing accuracy as soon as mileage starts ramping up. “Meet my cool, healthy new friends”. “Nope, can’t today, I have my long ride and lunch/beers afterward.” etc, etc.
            I love to run and cycle. I’ve trained for long events. Families need to be open and communicate how to work a time consuming hobby into family life. I’ve seen it go off the rails too many times to consider it a fluke.

            1. runner*

              Yeah, no, using running to check out of a relationship is bad. It’s important to build relationships beyond just “I like doing this” and “maybe I’m using this as a way to make hookups.”

              That said, most/all of the runners I know are running to run, not running to hookup. :shrug emoji: And I just get tired from people who assume that I must have some kind of disorder because I like running long-distance.

              1. university minion*

                I enjoy it, too, but also have other hobbies and can carry on a conversation that goes beyond, “I ran 4 hours yesterday. Check out my Strava. It was hot outside. Bob and Joe are faster than me, so after mile 9 I couldn’t keep up.” That’s often lacking in my running acquaintances and I’m thankful for the couple of well-rounded friends I have whose lives include exercise but aren’t consumed by it.
                The lines between hobby and consuming obsession are blurry for a lot of folks.

              2. university minion*

                runner, I’m pretty sure none of the partnered people who took up ultrarunning (or whatever) did it intending to search for a new partner.
                They did use it as an escape from issues/reality that were already present and as a way to avoid those dealing with the reality of their present life.

            2. Not a cat*

              This. Wow. I hadn’t thought about it this way. A good friend of mine is a marathon runner/iron man doer. And he’s not so happy with his partner.

            3. Marion Ravenwood*

              Agreed. When I was getting divorced, I lost a ton of weight because I was running more, because if I was running then I didn’t have to think about other stuff – I could just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. I still go for a run or walk when I need to resolve a knotty problem as it helps with my thinking, but it took me a fair while to realise that *literally* running away from my problems wasn’t that healthy.

              However, when I was training for my 10k-that-never-happened earlier this year, I’d factor my training runs in around when I was seeing my boyfriend/friends/work commitments etc. I’m about to start training for a half marathon that’s hopefully happening in October, and I intend to take the same approach (although I suspect this is where being an early bird and lighter mornings will come in handy!). It’s all about striking the balance and, as you say, being open about how to fit the hobby into your life, which I think applies to any time-consuming activity.

            4. Fit enough, maybe?*

              I have to agree here regarding the ultra community. I saw several divorces when the one person focused on training and events, and the other was left dealing with the home/children/cooking/ cleaning/ boring details of regular life. I also saw one great and healthy relationship start as the two were very much on the same page as far as athletics.
              Personally, I’m naturally a sloth who loves food. When I was in a relationship with an athlete I was fairly healthy, as I enjoyed his activity (to a lesser extent) and spending time with him.
              Now I’m in a relationship with a fellow sloth. It’s not so good for my health, and I have to work really hard to keep exercising on my own…
              So I think an answer to the question is that it just depends on the couple.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Just my opinion but couples should tend to put a similar level of value on things- this means foods, budgeting and a slew of other stuff . This is a generality of course and some couples can allow more slack in to the relationship than other couples.

      Not sure how long you have been in this relationship, but if you are concerned now that to me is a warning. While your relationship may remain fine, her health may not. Start by looking at whether she insists (openly or subtly) that you do as she does. If this is just her thing and she does not pressure you to join in, then the next step is to look at her health and the results she is getting with what she does. Is it helping her or is it interfering with her quality of life?

    5. Squirrel Life*

      My partner runs 5k every day and loves salad. I hate to sweat and love to cook the starch and fat rich foods of my childhood. It’s not an issue. We make sure to carve out time each day for him to exercise (I watch the kids while he runs or lifts weights or whatever) because it makes a huge difference to his mood. I cook supper every night and mostly cook what I like; he enjoys most of what I make and eats his salads for lunch. Our kids love to move, so they do lots of physical play/exercise with him, and they love to bake and hang out in the kitchen with me too!

    6. blackcat*

      Obviously this may not apply to you two, but I’ve seen this dynamic play out really badly if the couple has kids, particularly daughters. Often there’s a middle ground for two adults making their own decisions, but not a middle ground for how to raise kids. So if you want kids, I’d view this as a big flag that this might not be the right person to have them with.
      (If not, feel free to ignore this thought!)

      1. blackcat*

        Also, to be clear, the food stuff is much less concerning than the focus on weight/frame. I know plenty of health nuts who are completely chill about what their body looks like. It’s what it *feels like* that matters. A focus on appearance, rather than overall health, is the big red flag.

        1. un-pleased*

          This makes so much sense to me. If I feel badly in my body, I can blame that on weight. But if I feel comfy and like I can do what I need and like to well, I don’t think about weight at all.

          I agree that there are some red flags here that go beyond just having different perspectives on food and diet.

        2. lazy intellectual*

          I monitor my weight and diet to an extent, but there is a threshold beyond which it becomes an unhealthy obsession. Since moving to a metropolitan area for work, I’ve been subjected to a lot of food-shaming by kale-loving urbanites and it’s kind of annoying. Like, I eat 3 balanced meals a day and work out 3-4 times a week. But, I will occasionally skip a workout to go to happy hour and eat sugary treats or fries. Two of my friends, who are otherwise nice, will look at a doughnut and be like “oMg I could NEVER eat that!” like it’s full of poison or something. I also get a lot of “Why are you so skinny???” comments. It’s just like, if you don’t like it don’t eat it, but please shut up.

    7. Bounce*

      I agree, if you can live and let live, it’s fine. If you start trying to change each other- danger zone.

      Spouse and I have been together 25 years. About 2 years ago he found a sport he loves, and combined it with a really strict diet. He lost a lot of weight, feels great, and can’t understand why I too will not embrace intermittent fasting, eating no carbs, and giving up sugar.

      It’s not fun.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Your first point is so true. I’m really sorry about your second. :-(

        My partner of 9 years (we’re a cis het couple) started lifting weights a few years ago and got really serious last year. When the lock down started, he bought or rented plates, barbells, all kinds of stuff. He is also a vegetarian.

        I work out but lightly, I have no interest in weightlifting, I am about 50 pounds overweight and I eat meat. He thinks I am the greatest and he’s probably the reason I stay chunky because he loves dessert and he encourages me to eat it. We keep the home vegetarian because it’s easier to keep kosher that way. Occasionally he suggests exercises for me but mostly because he likes to show off his knowledge. He was very encouraging when I tried to lose weight but never said a word about my progress unless I brought it up.

        So it can work if there’s an element of, “This is my thing, I don’t expect you to do it too.”

      2. Kiwi with laser beams*

        The way your spouse is pressuring you is making me mad on your behalf, especially since his behaviour is implying that he thinks he knows how nutrition works and you don’t. I’ve been told to lose weight by a doctor and am seeing a top dietitian (as in, he’s worked with Olympic athletes) about it, and he doesn’t expect me to do any of those things. Assuming that all of those things are medically *OK* to do (I don’t know, but for argument’s sake I’ll assume they are), they’re extra things, not things that every human needs to do in order to be healthy. Grrrr.

    8. Jackalope*

      From my experience it can work as long as you’re both willing to respect the other person’s likes & desires and you’re okay doing different things with your time. If you want to spend all your time together then that could be more of an issue, but if you’re happy being a bit independent in that area then it can be a good excuse to have separate activities. My husband and I are VERY different in this regard and we’re pretty happy together; we have our separate activities where I get exercise and he plays a computer game, and then we come back together to hang out and do other stuff we both like.

    9. Chaordic One*

      Although not as extreme as the situation you described, one of the contributing factors in my ending a relationship was my ex-partner’s addiction to fast food (which I could almost live with) and the fact that he “fried” everything. (I’m not the kind of person who is going to do all the cooking.) I swear that everything he ate was greasy. I find fried food to be unappetizing and it often doesn’t agree with my digestive tract. (This was before I made the discovery about my food allergies.) I’m really big on roasting things instead of frying.

      There were other factors in why things didn’t work out for us, but the food thing was major.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Food would be a huge dealbreaker for me in a relationship. Some differences are surmountable, but I couldn’t date someone who didn’t like spices and herbs, because well, that’s something I eat a lot of. Also, I can’t with picky eaters – especially those who don’t eat any vegetables and can’t eat anything besides cheeseburgers.

    10. Anonnington*

      I have! I eat super healthy, near-vegan, and work out. I’ve had relationships with people who were the opposite – carnivorous, beer-loving couch potatoes.

      I like having some differences. In a relationship, you’re a team. I like being with someone who’s different enough from me that our differences balance each other out.

      In the scenario I described, we cooked separately. When we went out, I ate his vegetables and he’d take any mayo, butter and other greasy stuff that I was given. It worked. And the exercise thing was nice because there was no competition. And I enjoy working out alone. It’s peaceful.

      There was, however, judgment both ways. Not just from each other, but from friends and family. That put a strain on things.

      More importantly, the exercise and diet thing always turned out to be part of a bigger picture, tied to views, values, beliefs, etc. That stuff became more of an issue over time. It was a matter of priorities: investing time and money in your health now so that you’ll avoid future issues versus living for the moment, being cautious versus assuming that the odds are in your favor, taking care of your appearance versus deprioritizing that, doing what you believe is right even if people judge you versus doing what your friends are doing, questioning things and forming your own opinions versus going with the flow. And more. Those kinds of differences have an impact on many parts of life. It’s good to share life with someone who offers a different perspective, but you have to make it a strength and avoid letting it come between you.

    11. lazy intellectual*

      Like other commenters have pointed out, I think the actual issue is different from your initial question. “I’m worried about her weight” is what stands out to me. I would try and resolve that first. I’m not sure how…without more information, it’s hard to tell whether your concern about her weight is warranted or not, but since you are concerned, it is worth addressing. If she has an eating disorder, she would ideally go to therapy for that.

    12. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Currently celebrating 15 years of marriage to my complete opposite!

      It’s probably different and not all applicable but, he’s an exercise nut and very into eating as a social event but eats what he likes…and I’m overweight, disabled and won’t eat in front of another person (and yeah, have a long history with anorexia)

      We’ve learnt slowly over the years that an expression of concern (if there’s a serious issue) done once in a loving manner can work but after that you simply have to drop the conversation. I know it stresses my husband out that I can’t lose weight, and he can’t have dinner with me. It stresses me out that his frequent exercise sometimes feels like a slight against my character (‘why don’t you exercise at all?!’ kind of thing).

      It’s been a long period of discovery that we’re allowed to have those feelings but not put responsibility for them on the other person.

      I offer this in a positive manner because despite all that we’re still very happily married.

    13. university minion*

      I just realized I got off on a side tangent about exercise and relationships and didn’t address your question. Being healthy and into a sport or exercise hobby can be done in a relationship and not at the expense of it.

      In my experience, red flags are activities that take a ton of time and/or leave them so exhausted they’re unable to be a partner (conversation, their share of the housework, do activities that you both enjoy), use food as a means of control in the relationship, only have friends/conversations/social media that revolve around their workouts/sport and exclude you and your life together, either intentionally or unintentionally.
      I know ultrarunners and Ironman triathletes who balance families and careers successfully and are engaged partners, so time-commitment to the hobby isn’t necessarily the problem (both of these are about as time consuming as you can get in the workout world).

      You say “health and exercise nut”. What does that mean? Some of my coworkers say that about me because I run several days per week, do the occasional race and have trained for marathons in the past. I keep generally healthy habits around food and my runs consume about an hour per day, give or take (including showering afterward). I don’t post my workouts on social media, have race swag at work, talk about my running (boring!) or talk about food unless someone asks me for a recipe. Sometimes I ride my bike to work (4.5 miles each way). I write all that to say that all I’m doing is basically what the CDC recommends for healthy diet and activity and that makes me a “health and exercise nut” to many.

      There are absolutely people who take diet and exercise to extreme, unhealthy ends. Our cultural norms around food, exercise and activity also frequently paint healthy activity as excessive.

    14. Dorothy Perkins*

      Thank you to every person who responded. The replies were thoughtful and helpful and I do appreciate them so much. I have lots to think about from these.

      Part of why I am so distressed about this is because we are compatible in so many other ways and we do love and have deep feelings for each other and I don’t want this getting in the way.

      The weight thing is noticeable and can be sometimes jarring for me, because both of us are 5’5 the same height so the differences between us are easily seen and it emphasis how super thin she is. I do know I could lose a pound or two, I freely admit that but she only weighs 140 and I have at least 60 lbs on her. She counts her calories daily and will only eat about 2000 per day whereas I’m a foodie and I don’t count calories and eat what I want. The other big one is that she insists on going to the gym for an hour early in the morning before work 3 times a week and waking up early one weekend day to lift weights at home for an hour. I don’t think waking up early to exercise is necessary. She believes that because she isn’t trying to lose weight and has stayed at the same weight she is now her whole adult life that it isn’t a problem. Or that she doesn’t push me to do as she does.

      I disagree because she is too thin and the counting calories and dieting and sacrificing sleep isn’t healthy. And I’m afraid it is going to affect her relationship and her self denial is not good for her. Thanks again for all the responses.

      1. TechWorker*

        Does she also get to bed early when she exercises? I don’t often get to up exercise before work but when I do I feel *great* about it – I would find it odd if someone else categorised that as ‘sacrificing sleep’. (Like, yes, that’s technically true, but tonnes of us sacrifice sleep to hang out with our friends and/or respond to AAM posts – past midnight where I am – and I don’t think that’s inherently unhealthy).

        Counting calories is possibly different but honestly most folks do in one way or the other. It possibly depends whether it’s general ‘I need to eat healthily because it makes me feel better’ or an emotional/panicked reaction to eating slightly over on occasion.

      2. chopsticks*

        Honestly, I don’t think she’s being unreasonable given the additional details. Depending on her frame, 5’5 and 140lbs does not strike me as “super” thin (I’m 5’4 myself). Also, eating no more than 2000 calories a day for her size is probably not overly restrictive, and her desire to work out 3-4 times a week regularly seems pretty normal whether you think it’s necessary or not. Given she’s not pushing you to do the same as her I guess I’m wondering why you have such an issue with it.

      3. university minion*

        Thank you for offering those details. Her activities are not in the least bit unreasonable nor is her weight unhealthy. I am 5’6 and feel my best between 130-140 pounds. I wish I could maintain (ie not gain) weight on 2000 calories per day. A lot of people prefer morning workouts as a way to start their day. I am not one of them (though I join friends for a run from time to time just to change things up), but what she’s doing is so, so, so normal. It’s unremarkable.
        I love food. LOVE. IT. I’m part raccoon. There’s nothing I won’t eat. One can be a foodie and also be careful about portion size. Sometimes I do have to watch what I eat, lest I have to do the waddle-of-shame mid-run and blow up some poor, unsuspecting construction site porta-john, but that’s not unhealthy… that’s not wanting to have to take an emergency dump mid-workout.
        I write all this to say, your partner’s habits as you state them are so incredibly normal – refreshingly so! They’re so normal that if you have trouble coming to terms with them, it might be something worth exploring as to why that is.

        1. university minion*

          One other thing, then I’ll shut up – note I said I *feel* my best at the weight range I stated. I’ve weighed between 120-165 pounds over my adult life. I am not conventionally attractive. I’m not even un-conventionally attractive. I also am not someone who looks good exercising.
          My food and exercise habits have zero to do with vanity – that weight range is simply where, over the last 25 years since I’ve arrived at my adult shape, I feel best.
          Your partner sounds like someone who is in tune with her body and what works well for her.

      4. Ranon*

        Before the whole covid thing went down my height, weight, and weekly hours spent exercising were pretty identical to your girlfriend’s. It’s truly a pretty reasonable routine, she’s only doing 30 minutes more per week than the minimum 30 minutes per day generally recommended for everyone. I’ve also weighed less than I do now and still been at a comfortable healthy weight (per my doctors and my general sense of well being) and I’d be pretty surprised if her current weight were an unhealthy one for her build.

        Frankly, I’m much more troubled that you think it’s reasonable to ask her to change her very reasonable behavior- she is happy with her routine and isn’t asking you to take it on too. If that doesn’t work for you you may not be compatible.

      5. TL -*

        140lbs is a healthy weight for a 5’5″ person. It would be generally be a concerningly low weight only once you got up into the 6’+ range.

        Eating 2000 calories a day is also well within the range of normal, as is getting up early a few days a week to go the gym – tons of people like to start their day off with a workout, nothing wrong with that.

        Everything you describe sounds like a very healthy approach to achieving a lifestyle that makes her happy.

      6. Catherine*

        Based on these details, it sounds more like you are self-conscious about the visible difference between the two of you, and that you feel like she is exercising at you. 140lbs is perfectly reasonable for her height. Is there some way in which you feel her habits are shaming you? Do other people comment on the physical differences between you two in a way that embarrasses you? (Those people are jerks.)

        As for the counting calories, I’m 5’3″ and if I don’t keep myself below a rough 1400 calories (I don’t count properly but generally estimate), I can’t maintain my current weight (which is in a healthy range for my height). For me, keeping an eye on my calories is self-care; it’s reinforcing that I’m happy with my body where it is and I want to keep it that way.

      7. Batgirl*

        That is a very reasonable routine. There is nothing inherently wrong with keeping count of what you eat, especially when it’s to make sure you’re eating enough and a healthy amount. You say you don’t keep track, are you sure? Some people use habit and routine, others use a sense of fullness to measure what they eat, but not everyone is great at that; it’s easy for some to eat more than they wanted to and lots of people forget to eat at all.
        I think you’re being very prescriptive about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in matters which are merely preferences. Being prescriptive is a problem in any relationship, because you seem to place yourself in charge of what’s right. I’m your height and there have been times in my life when I was your partner’s weight while eating like I had a tapeworm and without trying to exercise. I would have reacted very badly to being told I was the *wrong* weight just because I was a cyclist and other people my height happened to have different bodies!
        Though I’m larger now, I’m not better/worse off, I just have different lifestyle preferences. There’s no one true weight to aim for that’s more important than my happiness and preferred routine.
        If early morning exercise and meal arrangements bug you, be brave enough to name them as your feelings and preferences. You’re allowed to have them! You don’t have to cast judgement on her preferences in order to be allowed your own.

      8. allathian*

        Whoa, 140 lbs is a perfectly healthy weight for 5’5″. She’s not even at the lower end of the range, 114-144 lbs for her height. 200 lbs on a 5’5″ frame gives a BMI of 33, which is obese, not just slightly overweight. I don’t want to body shame anyone here, the weight alone should not be an issue if you’re happy with your body and feel healthy. But you’re not just slightly overweight, and she’s definitely not underweight. (For reference, I’m 5’9″ and 250 lbs, so also obese.) Granted, BMI has its problems as a measurement, because it doesn’t take into account the muscle to weight ratio, plenty of athletes have “overweight” BMI but it’s all muscle. It also doesn’t take into account where the fat is, it’s more dangerous if it’s around your inner organs like a beer belly than if it’s on your hips and butt.

        Please, let her embrace her healthy lifestyle and love her as she is.

        My husband is a runner and exercises by lifting weights. I do Tai Chi when I can and try to walk at least half an hour every day. Sometimes when the weather is nice we’ll ride a bike together. But when we go for walks, it’s all too obvious that he’s so much fitter than I am. I try to do what I can, but I don’t have the mental energy currently to make any profound lifestyle changes. I just consider myself very lucky that my husband loves me as I am and that I love him.

      9. Emily*

        Her diet and exercise habits sound very reasonable. Unless she has an anxious or obsessive mindset about it that you haven’t described here (meaning that she has a disproportionate emotional reaction to missing a workout or eating over her calorie limit), I wouldn’t be overly concerned for her health.

        Is she saying or doing things that make you feel bad about your own size or habits? If not, then it might be worth thinking about why her routine bothers you – maybe you feel self-conscious about the differences between the two of you?

      10. Not A Manager*

        Now that you’ve added these details, I’m a bit more concerned about you than I am about your girlfriend. There’s no reason that you need to have the same priorities or make the same choices as hers, but your attitude that she is a “super thin exercise nut” is not realistic based on what you posted here.

        I’m not sure if this is maybe an issue of misinformation on your part, or if this situation is pushing some of your buttons. Maybe you could do a bit of research into the wide variety of healthy bodies and the wide variety of ways one can have a “healthy” attitude toward eating and exercise. “Eat what you like, move when you want” is completely valid, but so is your girlfriend’s routine of exercising four times per week for an hour, or staying within a (very healthy and reasonable) target calorie range.

        On the other hand, maybe something about this is distressing to you for other reasons. You mention that your girlfriend “doesn’t push you to do as she does.” Could you think about why it’s hard for you to extend her that same courtesy?

      11. Washi*

        Based on these details, I have to wonder if you have some of your own anxiety that you’re displacing onto her, because what you describe sounds very very normal, both in terms of her weight and habits (I am not personally into calorie counting but she doesn’t sound obsessed with it or anything.)

        I think it might be good for you to do some self reflection on what it means to you to have a partner who is just thinner and more active than you (but not unhealthy as far as I can tell) because the comparison seems more distressing to you than the situation seems to warrant on the face of it. Despite being a very feminist, body positive person, I definitely had some mixed feelings during a period where my partner and I weighed the same (he’s a man and I’m a woman.) Part of me wanted him to gain weight just because it was etched in my brain that the man must be heavier! I really had to do some work on my body image/gender assumptions in order to not try to make something that was my problem his problem. Not that this is the same situation exactly just…I do understand that “how do my partner and I look together” can be unexpectedly fraught!

      12. Angstrom*

        Yes, those relationships can work. My idea of a good summer Saturday is to get up early and go for a 4-hour bike ride. My wife’s is to sleep in and then work on an art project. We’ve been happily married for 20+ years.
        What makes it work is that we’re both happy that our partner is happy. We don’t resent the time and attention they spend on something they enjoy, because that positive energy comes back to the relationship. And we share — I send photos to her of things I see while I’m out riding, and she shows me her progress on her projects when I get home. You don’t have to participate to be interested and appreciative.
        In your specific case, are you two from different social/cultural backgrounds? It sounds as though you have very different ideas of what is a “normal” size and activity level.

    15. Jules the 3rd*

      Mr Jules and I are very different eaters – we both eat reasonably healthy, but he likes variety, Asian / Indian, lots of spice, while I like bland or Mexican. We both will eat pizza, quiche and Mediterranean, but we get bored with those. We deal with it by sharing food sometimes, and eating different foods at the same time sometimes.

      Exercise – we both think it’s important, but I’m a lot more consistent about it than he is.

      We’ve been together over 20 years, and we still love each other. The main thing is that we don’t take ‘I like x’ personally. We recognize that we are both just doing our thing, and that sometimes our things are different, and if everyone was the same, life would be boring.

    16. charo*

      Yes, what counts isn’t how alike you are, but how you work it out.

      The reason this does NOT apply to POLITICS is because politics is the use of power, to execute your values in a civil way. So, many political issues can’t be compromised. These days, many issues are either right or wrong.

      Remember the anguish over Border Babies being locked up? They still are, we’ve just moved on to a national Pandemic. Some policies are not a quibble or an “opinion,” they are moral values.

      So, re: the question here about dating someone, ask yourself if a cute smile is worth ignoring your morality. Because, having different eating habits is not a moral issue, it’s a preference. It can seem to have moral elements but it’s for sure not the raging moral quandary that political issues these days are.

  4. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

    Happy last day of Ramadan/ Eid everyone! What are your plans for Eid since everyone’s staying inside?

    2. Happy Eid!*

      Thank you! Nothing special. Gift giving to the kids and calling family to wish them a blessed Eid!

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Thank you!
      Nothing special, I’ll get dressed up and take pictures but that’s about it. My mother will make her famous dish. and just texting everyone. I haven’t celebrated for 2 years, I was planning to this year….but COVID.

    4. Keymaster of Gozer*

      I found a few cross stitch patterns for Eid cards and did a few to post out :)

  5. Jaid*

    Man, my head and torso are like a furnace and my hands and feet are ice blocks. Even with the fan on and the window open, it’s hard for me to be comfy enough to sleep. It’s not night sweats, I’m just…hot. :-(

    1. Beancat*

      Ugh, sympathy from another person with ice extremities :( I hope you can get some good rest soon!

    2. WS*

      I tuck icepacks on my body for a while before going to sleep – it really helps me get that core temperature down. One on the back of my neck especially helps.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        I end up having to do that in the summer at work (although now, loose ice won’t be as easy to get because we won’t have the grab-n-go drink coolers, nor do I have access to a freezer where I can stash an ice pack). Our renovated units do have wall a/c units which is going to be a lifesaver…I hated our old window units as I use the sunlight to wake up.

    3. Julia*

      That’s the worst, isn’t it? Especially when you share a space with someone who tells you to wear a T-shirt if you’re too hot, and you want an inverse T-shirt because your core is burning but your extremities are freezing.

    4. fposte*

      I’m semi-fortunate in that my hands are fine; it’s just my feet that can’t self-heat. I’ve always got an extra layer over the feet and legs at night, and the heating pad that lives by the bed gets put in the feet sometimes even in summer. I find actually that A/C can be a particular challenge; my feet are always colder in blowing air. I have many, many socks.

      1. Jaid*

        I sometimes will wear socks that I slit at the end…my feet can’t stand being confined at night. But the toeless sock thing helps. Also I have a couple pieces of fabric that I’ll tuck my hands in. Sometimes though, I’ll just warm my hands between the “girls”.

        Yeah, my internal thermostat is shot. It’s happened to me before, but resolved itself and I was fine for a couple of years. This spring with the combination of the Daylight Saving time switch and wonky hot/cold weather… did not help. That said, I did have to use the heated mattress pad a couple of nights because the building shuts off the heat in May and even my hot self wasn’t enough for under 50 degrees at night.

        Oh, and if it helps any of y’all, I found a blanket on Amazon that is incredibly lightweight, is cotton on one side and this cooling fabric on the other. And when I say cooling, it’s actually cold to the touch. It’ll warm up, but it takes a while to absorb your heat.

        “Elegear Revolutionary Cooling Blanket Absorbs Heat to Keep Adults, Children, Babies Cool on Warm Nights. Japanese Q-Max 0.4 Cooling Fiber, 100% Cotton Backing. Breathable, Comfortable, Hypo-Allergenic”

        I wish y’all well!

    5. Anono-me*

      Have you checked to see if there is a medical component? Sometimes cold hands and feet can be a circulation issue due medicine side effect, or an illness (Renards?).

      Usually Menards has inexpensive heated wool socks as a holiday gift item.
      Lots of places have reusable hot packs (especially outdoors stores in cold winter areas).

    6. NforKnowledge*

      I sleep nude but with warm socks if I’m feeling cold. Makes a surprisingly large difference :)

    7. Chaordic One*

      Oh man, this is me. One of the perks (about the only one) of WFH is that I can have a space heater under my desk. Still my feet remain a bit cold while my shins get hot.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      I have the feet of ice. YMMV, but I bought a pair of the compression knee highs, and wear them to bed (after I discovered they worked, I bought more). Also called “TED” (to avoid thrombosis) hosiery. Your FSA/HSA covers them, in some cases, and they do come in black (with toes) or toeless (my toeless ones come thigh high and I wore a garter belt back when I wore those). Needless to say, not very sexy but neither are ice-toes, which inevitably I managed to try to heat with the then-spouse.

      Not ever to wear 24 hours a day. As I’ve aged, I wear them during the day (I sit too much at my desk) and they help avoid leg fatigue. At night, wool socks winter; summer, blanket over my lower legs, cotton gloves (great way to moisurize) on my hands.

  6. nep*

    I shook my grand-niece’s hand on Friday. I am kicking myself and I’d give anything to turn back time. Both I and her mom are responsible , I suppose. I was dropping some goodies off on the front porch and to my surprise her mom opened the front door. So there we were visiting through the closed storm door and at one point the little one put her hand up and said, ‘I want to shake her hand.’ And damn it, in the next second her mom cracked open the storm door and I reached and shook her hand. Now it’s watch and wait, and hope nothing was transmitted…
    Seriously, it was a great potential ‘teaching moment,’ and I completely blew it.
    Nothing to be done…Somehow it just helps to put an account of my awfulness out there.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Oh my goodness. Do you have reason to believe that you’re infected? If not, then unless your niece is at a very high risk, this was really not terrible. Hopefully her mom washed her hands right away, or rubbed them with hand san, and that’s the end of it.

      I know you wished you’d made a different choice at the moment, but I don’t think this is likely to have a lot of real-world consequences.

      And you’re not awful.

      1. nep*

        Thank you. I don’t know whether I’m infected or not; if I am, I’m asymptomatic. I did get tested on Wednesday, out of an abundance of caution after some family members came into the house without masks on mother’s day. But even if the test shows negative, that alone would not completely ease my concern given how many false negatives occur. Just have to wait it out and hope for the best.
        In any case, it’s not like I can control exactly what goes on in the little one’s life 24/7. But just the fact that I unnecessarily added a layer of risk.

        1. MissGirl*

          Take a breath. You’re not positive, you’re not around anyone who is positive. Even if those people were positive, you probably washed your hands and didn’t touch them. Wearing a mask reduces risk but not wearing one doesn’t equal transmission. Because you’re hyper-aware, your hands were probably clean when you shook.

          You did not add a layer of risk to this girl’s life. I totally get your fears as someone who has anxiety. It’s hard to ignore the screaming “what if?” your brain sets off. But sometimes, a lot of times, that anxiety-ridden brain is just plain wrong.

          We’ll all have a lot of moments likes these ahead of us as life starts to return to normal. We’ll have fits and starts about what is okay and what isn’t. We’ll widen our circle, close it, widen it a little further as we make halting steps forward.

          1. nep*

            Thank you.
            sometimes, a lot of times, that anxiety-ridden brain is just plain wrong
            Ooh, boy. I need to remind myself of that again and again.

    2. MistOrMister*

      Please don’t feel awful!! I went into my parents’ house on mother’s day. I didn’t mean to but I had to GO and wasn’t going to make it back home. I went through the garage that is directly off the bathroom and back out that way, touching as little as possible. No one got sick to my knowledge, but, like you, I felt completely horrible for letting it happen. There is always going to be the risk of transmission. But the studies now are saying the length of exposure time matters a lot for low virus yields (and your handshake would not come close to long enough exposure!!) and that transmission is not nearly as contact based.

      It might have been a nice teachijg moment to have explained why you couldn’t shake her hand. But sometimes we need that physical contact even when there’s a risk. I wouldn’t advocate for a handshake every time, but ghe odds that any damage has been done by this are so very miniscule. And now that it’s happened, I am sure you will be on guard in case of a repeat. Unfortunately, if you’re anything like me, you will continue to worry until you know everyone is safe. But really, you are not awful and you shouldn’t feel like you are. We’re all only human…except for any aliens or lizard people lurkng amongst us :)

    3. TimeCat*

      My in laws went out to a crowded restaurant yesterday and are now complaining we haven’t visited in a while so… you are so, so low down on the worry list based in the behavior I have seen recently.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      What everyone said here. Go easy on you. Tell yourself that you are just going to wait and see if it is a problem before you start beating yourself up too much.
      You sound pretty careful. I kind of believe it will be okay.
      I am holding this in a positive light for you all.

    5. migrating coconuts*

      The more data they gather on this thing, the more they are saying that touch/surface transition is unlikely. I think you and your grand-niece are fine.

    6. Migrainemonster*

      Please don’t beat yourself up over this. It was an accident, everyone makes mistakes!

    7. Chaordic One*

      Well, I would just hope that you didn’t touch your face afterwards and that you washed your hands ASAP afterwards. You should be fine.

      I keep hand sanitizer or disinfecting wipes (Handi-Wipes) in the car for this reason and often wash my hands in between trips to different stores. Now that the stores are a little better stocked, you should be able to find something.

      But today I just found a story on the internet about hand sanitizer getting too hot in parked cars on sunny days and exploding and starting fires. It’s always something.

      1. nep*

        My sister warned me the other day about keeping sanitizer out of the car for the high temps we’re expected to get in the coming days.

        I’m not so worried about myself, more so the little one. But I can’t live the next two weeks worrying about it. Have to hope for the best…and I’ll keep checking in with (bugging) her mom to make sure they’re watching for any early signs of anything.
        Thanks

        1. Courageous cat*

          The little one will be fine. I feel like this is very rarely affecting children. I wouldn’t worry very much. It’s not like she can’t get it from any number of other routes too if parents are still going to grocery store/work/etc.

      2. Wired Wolf*

        I saw that too. My mom parks in an underground garage overnight so it may not be a risk there, but thanks for reminding me to take it with when we leave the car if parked outside.

    8. Disco Janet*

      You’re only human, and this is so reflexive! Don’t beat yourself up about it.

    9. tiasp*

      Sounds like a very low risk encounter for grand-niece, especially if you have been diligent about taking precautions otherwise. I find it’s REALLY hard to overcome my usual sense of personal space, especially with people I know well. OF COURSE your instinct was to shake her hand. It’s something you wouldn’t even think about normally. Be kind to yourself.

    10. Observer*

      Take a DEEEP breath. The odds of your transmitting anything are extremely low, unless you have reason to think that you are infected. And even then, little children rarely get infected.

      Ideally, you shouldn’t have done it. But having done so, don’t beat yourself up.

  7. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of May 24 to May 30, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

  8. MistOrMister*

    I’ve started feeding birds and squirrels on my deck. I assume the chipmunks are getting some seed as it falls below as,wrll, but I can’t see them from the window. Any advice on how to keep the squirrels happy without giving them junk? I read that corn is kind of junk food for them so I was trying not to put it out. But they come eat all the sunflower seeds and eat or steal all the peanuts. When I put out nuts in the shell, which are supposed to be great for them, they take them to bury. I don’t begrudge them their winter stash, but I’m trying to figure out how to keep the birdseed for the birds. I’m working especially on developing a friendship with a crow. They will and and give me time to go grab them peanuts.

    1. Retail not Retail*

      There is hot birdseed that only birds like – squirrels and dogs hate it. Or that’s what the bird shop guy said. It’s coated in a safe capsaicin stuff. Birds don’t care, mammals do.

      We don’t set out stuff for the squirrels because my dog thinks they’re trespassing as it is.

      1. MistOrMister*

        Thanks! I recently read that you can feed your birds jalapenos and other hot peppers because they don’t have the right receptors to feel the burn, so to speak. I’ll have to look into that birdseed. Maybe if they dont have easy things to eat on hand I will finally get to see the squirrels actually break open a shell nut and eat it.

        1. Pigeon*

          From experience– wear gloves if you deal with “hot” birdseed! It’s worse than chopping hot peppers for what it’ll do if you touch delicate tissue with it still on your hands.

          They also sell squirrel-proof feeders that largely work. The bigger problem is raccoons can figure out how to get these off their hooks and pry them open, so if you have that issue, you need to hang it where they can’t reach or climb.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Get a bird feeder that closes itself when anything bigger than a small bird sits on the peg and they and the jays & crows will still get plenty from what drops.
      Remember that bird food in the summer will also attract other animals — bears in the country, raccoons & rats anywhere. And squirrels & chipmunks can both be very destructive.
      I just put a bird bath out in front of my home office window…..and I’m thinking of asking my daughter to do a Crowbox as a summer “camp” project. You’ve got a friendly crow already so crowbox dot com might be for you!

    3. GoryDetails*

      I use feeders-in-a-cage – tube feeders inside metal cages, with openings large enough for the birds to reach through but that keep the squirrels from hoovering the entire contents. (Squirrels can still reach through the openings with their paws, but it slows them down a lot, giving the birds a fair shot.) I also have a peanut feeder that’s a tube with small-mesh openings; I put whole peanuts in it, and various birds peck at them through the mesh, while squirrels can’t get at them at all. (When the peanuts have been thoroughly pecked-at I dump the remaining contents, so the squirrels and chipmunks may get a share eventually!)

    4. Maze Doctor*

      If you have neighbours who garden, consider feeding more bite-size food for the squirrels. My neighbour gives all the squirrels in the neighbourhood peanuts…which they bury in my garden and then dig up, uprooting my plants and damaging my bulbs! Smaller snacks like oats or shelled sunflower seeds may alleviate this somewhat.

      1. WellRed*

        I had this problem. Couldn’t figure out why my containers were getting ruined until I realized the old lady across the street littered her front walk with peanuts.

    5. Library Lady*

      I have nothing to add to this except that I read it as “feeding birds and squirrels on my desk” and I was very concerned.

    6. Anon for this*

      Hahaha, it is very very hard to keep squirrels out of birdfeeders. If you are just scattering seed or putting it out in a dish — the squirrels will eat it.
      Squirrels: rats with cute tails.

    7. Jill*

      If you’ve ever heard of a “Twirl-A-Squirrel,” it’s an electronic bird feeder that spins when too much weight is on it so squirrels and crows get flung off. It’s hilarious to watch and they learn fast.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        My grandmother had something like that; it wasn’t electronic though (IIRC it was the old Droll Yankee metal feeder). Her squirrels learned quickly how to defeat the spinner mechanism. The feeder was also more or less completely exposed so it’s possible that the spinners just rusted due to weather/overuse.

  9. MistOrMister*

    Anyone having trouble keeping up with the dishes? I am fine on the weekends, but being home during the week now it feels like there is just a never ending pile of dishes. I am one person! Where are all these dishes coming from??

    1. Retail not Retail*

      If you usually use a dishwasher, handwashing them may make it seem less overwhelming.

      I never put dishes away when I had a drying rack – just washed em and used em and washed em immediately after.

      I have a dishwasher now so that doesn’t happen but I’m also not working from home so I’m just making stuff up.

    2. PX*

      Hi, it me!

      I have complained about this to everyone. Like you, I’m a single person, who doesn’t even have that many dishes (shout out IKEA 6 set) but I feel like there are always dishes. I guess it’s just the fact that being home all the time means eating every single meal from a dish whereas before I’d have lunch containers for work or eat out more?

      Either way, while I’m sure the solution would be to wash up after every meal…I shall just continue to let them pile up until I have nothing left to eat from and then have a big washing binge :D

    3. TimeCat*

      You are not alone at all. Always always dishes. I ended up buying my toddler more milk cups because I never seemed to I have a clean one.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have found that our dishes (household of three adults) are actually less dire seeming since we switched to a system where, instead of assigning one of us to load the dishwasher when the counter is stacked, everyone puts their dirty dishes straight into the dishwasher and I run it when it’s full and empty it asap afters. The kitchen stays tidier because dirty dishes aren’t stacking up and it’s ten seconds of work at a time, or two minutes at the emptying. The boys aren’t super efficient at loading the thing, but good enough for government work and I adjust anything SUPER egregious when I’m putting my own plate in.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (I always feel like I should specify, I do the
        d/w emptying, but one of the boys takes out the trash and the other does any pots and pans that must be hand washed. It’s more or less equitable and I hate doing both of those things. :-P )

        1. Kate*

          We have had the “put your own dishes away” from the very start (I guess I just didn’t think of opposite). OK, there is stuff that I put in myself – for example I’m only now training my 5yo to join in. I adjust dishes as necessary before starting the machine, too, but emptying has been the job for teens from the time they were tall enough to reach upper cupboards where we keep the plates. I handwash the pots/pans so I don’t think it’s unfair. :D

          1. Jdc*

            Same. If dishes are left in the sink it’s because the dishwasher is full and cleaned and needs to be unloaded and that follows with me saying “why has no one done this”. Dishes just left out will make me lose it because to me it says “you do that I refuse to be a participant in my own home”. That being said everyone in my home is 17 and older so very capable of this.

            1. Not a cat*

              My roommate does this. She’s one of the universe’s lazy creatures. Off from work for a week, didn’t get out of bed except to put dirty dishes in the sink and get more food. If I want a clean sink (and I do) I have to run the whole enterprise.

              1. Jdc*

                Grrr. I have barely lived with those not related to me (also meaning married to) and I’m so glad. I honestly barely could even afford it a lot of the time as I lived in Orange County, CA but I just might be too much of a neat freak to deal with roommates. Luckily after 22 years in the Air Force (now retired) my husband is pretty close to my level but the 17 year old would live in pure trash if he was given the choice. We don’t come down on him hard about clutter in his room but no food, drinks other than water and you clean it up once a week. Otherwise it would be disgusting

              2. Marion Ravenwood*

                Ooh yes this. Both my housemates are lovely, but the dishes left in the sink/out on work surfaces etc drive me crazy. (Seriously, there have been glasses left on our coffee table for a week before being washed, and I’m pretty sure it’s put off prospective future housemates.) Unless I need the dirty dish, I refuse to do it for them – because they are ADULTS and can clean up after themselves and it is not my job – but I feel like this is a very strong indicator that I’m ready to get my own place sooner rather than later.

        2. Kate*

          How far do you have to take trash and how often, that it is equal to washing pots and pans? Our family produces about two or three dirty pots and pans a day, but only three or four bags of trash in a week (includes diapers) and the outdoor trash can is about 20 steps from kitchen sink. ;)

            1. Kate*

              Yeah but pots and pans take so much room in dishwasher! I rather wash them by hand and leave room for plates to gather.

              1. allathian*

                On the days we cook, half of the dishwasher is pots and pans. Ours are mainly stainless steel, so definitely dishwasher safe. The only thing that isn’t dishwasher safe is our ancient cast iron skillet, but we only use that on the side burner of our barbecue grill, so about once a year! Although to be fair, we do barbecue almost every weekend in the summer.
                We also have a 10 liter pot, which also sees little use because it’s so big and unwieldy, and it definitely doesn’t fit in the dishwasher. I’m lucky if I can get it in the sink…

                1. university minion*

                  Use the bathtub!
                  For actual bathing, I’m team shower, all the way, but for big cookware like a turkey fryer or huge mixing bowls – those either get scrubbed out outdoors or in the bathtub.

      2. Disco Janet*

        This is what we do to. Husband starts the dishwasher at night before bed, I unload it in the morning, and then dirty dishes get put it in throughout the day.

      3. Wired Wolf*

        That’s what we do. Either run it when it gets full or when we find ourselves rinsing a plate because they’re all in there.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yes. Thank goodness my husband uses a coffee mug with his name on it and we all have a favorite big water glass. Because the milk glasses & coffee-with-milk mugs proliferate like rabbits.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      And I suggest this from the Washington Post’s Style section for one of your free articles this month. Partial quote because it’s just too close to what you’re saying not to share.
      https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/the-dishes-will-never-be-done/2020/05/19/e558ef5a-965e-11ea-9f5e-56d8239bf9ad_story.html
      “The dishes will never be done
      By
      Ellen McCarthy
      May 20, 2020 at 7:00 a.m. EDT
      The world is in disarray. The economy is crumbling. The news is bleak. The kids are stir-crazy. The parents need a break. Everyone is tired of the vigilance needed to dodge the virus, which doesn’t tire.

      And the sink, I am sorry to tell you, is full of dirty dishes. Again.

      A side effect of the fact that we’re all eating three meals a day (plus snacks) at home — with school cafeterias and restaurant kitchens and fast-food garbage bins no longer absorbing their share of the aftermath.

      Dirty dishes are the least of all problems. The very least. And so easily fixed: soap, water, a little mindless scrubbing. Come to think of it, how dare we lament this simple chore in light of everything else. And how dare you nod in recognition!

      Still, a sink perpetually brimming with dirty dishes is a proxy for all that is tedious and tiresome about life at the undramatic edges of this crisis. It is incessant, like the quarantine. Repetitive, like our days at home. Demanding and messy, like the tasks that fill those days. And somehow fraught with shame and judgment: Who can claim to have their act together if they can’t fit their Brita pitcher under the faucet?

      The dirty dishes are the least of our problems, yes. And still the one we’ll avoid until we’re eating cereal from a beer stein with a butter knife….”

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Clothes and dishes, there are always more to wash. The only thing I can come up with is to do some each day. Now, I am here on my own and you would think how much can one person generate?
      Uh, lots.

      I do something with the clothes almost every morning (wash, fold, iron) and I do the dishes every night. Even then things can go out of hand. This weekend I decided to wash the winter coats and some dog blankets. I have two more loads to do. Living life generates dirty dishes and clothes. sigh.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Haha right? I can’t believe how dirty my house is. I am cleaning it the same as before, so I guess I am the one creating the dirt. There is so much dust everywhere. Sigh.

        OP, I do the unf*ck your habitat method: 20 mins (or less), usually I do 10), then 10 min break. I do a couple of those before bed.
        I had about 2 days with no laundry, now it’s just multiplying, so I do what I can and try to not give a f*ck :)

      2. alligator aviator autopilot antimatter*

        This is really what it boils down to. Even on days where we’re only eating takeout or leftovers, the only way to stay on top of dishes is to do them every day. I don’t necessarily get to Sink Zero every night but we run the dishwasher once a day, more if we’re doing heavy-duty cooking. Every time we take a day off dishes, we regret it.

    8. T. Boone Pickens*

      Haha I’m staring at a huge pile of dishes right now wondering that exact thing MistOrMister! It’s definitely on my list of stuff to do get done this weekend.

    9. Alexandra Lynch*

      I have two partners, and I also have chronic pain and exhaustion issues. We are trying to pack to move, and my boyfriend acknowledged that he will have to step up and help with the daily work because my body doesn’t have very much “carrying heavy boxes down from upstairs” before I’m on the couch and pretty useless. I’m not thrilled about this, but it is what it is.

    10. WellRed*

      I have a new roommate who is good about washing her dishes. But she puts the plates in the dish rack backwards. There are worse thing in the world but it drives me batty. I’m trying to up my own dishwashing game.

    11. CTT*

      I never knew that regularly eating lunch at home instead of work would make doing dishes seem insurmountable, but here we are. What’s helped me is to set a timer for 5 minutes and see how much I can get through; usually I can either finish all the dishes in that time or I have so little left to do I finish it up. But actually starting on it is so hard.

      1. Jackalope*

        The timer method for me is so helpful. It started when I was living with some housemates where I was the primary dishwasher (they had other responsibilities) but also often had an evening class. I kept either skipping dishes and coming back to them having been done by someone else a bit crankily (which I was going to do them post-class but I guess it was stressful for them) or being late to my class. I finally started setting a timer so I could get at least 10 min (or however much time I had after we finished eating) washed and done so I was working on my bit of household work and also respecting the time of my classmates. I eventually started feeling it was like a bit of a contest – racing against myself to get as many dishes done as I could. My situation has long since changed, but I still find it helpful when I’m exhausted and can’t face a whole pile of dishes but can’t face coming out and seeing a pile again in the morning either. I do as many as I can in 10 or 15 min and when the timer is off I reevaluate. Sometimes I’m energized and keep going. Other nights I’m done and go to bed satisfied that tomorrow it won’t be as bad. Either way this strategy is almost always a win for me.

    12. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I started a “Sink Zero” initiative this week and got my partner on board. Every night before bed, the dishes must be either done or in the dishwasher, even the fancy glassware. It’s pushed me to clean right after meals rather than letting things pile up.

      I hear you, though. I used to live alone in a place with no dishwasher. I had the flu for over a week and the worst was feeling ok enough to eat, then having to leave the dishes because eating was exhausting. This was almost 15 years ago and I still remember washing as much as I could for 10 minutes until my leg muscles gave up.

      1. Ranon*

        Sink zero is legit, man. I lived with roommates for a while where the house standard was sink zero and there were never dishes anywhere but the drying rack, but the second someone needed to soak a pan or something, bam, sink full of dishes. I swear they breed.

    13. Kathenus*

      Oh my gosh yes! Strangely, it makes me feel a little better that I’m not alone. Pre-pandemic I used to hand wash most dishes, and run the dishwasher maybe once a week when I had a lot built up or after cooking something with a lot of dishes/pots/utensils. Now even with running the dishwasher every couple of days, handwashing dishes, it seems like every time I turn around there are more. And I live alone, so I can’t blame anyone else (except maybe my critters, since a lot of the dishes are due to them). It’s like bad magic, I clean out the sink, feel all good – turn around five minutes later and there are more dirty dishes. Aaaagh.

    14. matcha123*

      I was like that and kind of still am. Living in a small apartment with a very tiny kitchen and sink…plus the ever looming worry about attracting roaches has caused me to wash my dishes almost immediately after eating.
      Since I don’t have space and don’t have multiples of skillets or pots, if one is dirty, that’s it and I’ll have to take more time to clean it the next day.
      Plus having it out of the way at night makes my mornings and evenings go smoother.

    15. Koala dreams*

      Dishes are well known for growing and growing and never stop. It’s a never-ending work keeping up with the dishes. I have always had trouble keeping up with them, but luckily I am not required to keep the sink empty. I do a little every day, and sometimes several times a day. It’s a nice break when I’ve been sitting too long in front of the laptop or the tv, especially with a little music on. My advice is to prioritize anything that have had fish in it, anything you need for your next meal and the baby stuff, if you have a baby. And the grater, if you like to grate carrots, cheese and other things. That grater gets so difficult to clean after a couple of hours!

    17. Nynaeve*

      Today as every day! If I ever found a genie, my first wish would be for the dishes to always clean themselves and put themselves away. Then I would think about how to dismantle structural inequality or whatever. I don’t have a dishwasher and I’ve always been terrible at staying on top of the dishes, but now it’s just so much worse and there’s no escape from their judginess. I hate it!

    18. WoodswomanWrites*

      Ha, I was complaining about this very thing recently, hand washing everything. I’ll be fine for a while, washing everything as I go so nothing piles up, and then getting to a place of to hell with it as a mini-rebellion until I have to do a whole bunch at once. I can’t imagine how it must be for multi-person households.

    19. Stephanie*

      Oh yes, I feel like I constantly have dirty dishes piling up. We went from just me and my husband in the house to now having both college-age kids here, all of the time. We run the dishwasher two or three times a day, and if my daughter decides to bake something, that’s almost another load alone. I know that having two extra people all of a sudden is a big reason why there are so many dishes, but it’s also just because we are all eating every single thing at home, and using reusable stuff instead of disposables. It’s kind of crazy-making, but it sure does highlight how much we were eating out/getting takeout before all of this happened.

    20. Batgirl*

      It’s my least favourite task so I am prone to letting it stack up too. My best tool is a dish scrubber with a soap-filled handle. Whenever something is easy to clean (a still warm pan or mug I’m going to reuse for myself) , I do it straight away under a running tap with the soapy brush. This cuts down the pile loads. The other thing I do is clear away the days dishes to great music before my evening snack/drink. I need bribes!

    21. Stephanie*

      It’s not just you. I definitely forgot to go to mute during a meeting while I was doing dishes.

  10. Beancat*

    My weekly manga update!

    I finished my very small sketchy storyboard last Saturday night! My husband recommended I do a larger one before I jump into the real pages, and I tried…but it wasn’t working for me. I was dragging my feet and overthinking it. So I decided to forego the larger storyboard and jump right into the real pages.

    I’ve gotten four pages sketched since then! It feels really productive and great, honestly. I hope to get a few more sketched during d&d today :)

    (also unrelated to the manga but I just received a copy of the fanzine I got published in, too! I’m one of a handful of writers who were chosen. …Aaaaand I can never use it as an example of my work because I used my pen name and I don’t really want people to have that to associate with my real name. Whoops! I’m still quite proud of myself.)

    1. Julia*

      Congratulations! I remember being really into manga in high school and even trying my own. Unfortunately, I cannot draw, so I moved on to writing fanfiction lol.

      Do you have any stuff online?

      1. Beancat*

        Thank you so much! :) I love writing fanfic; I’ve been writing it for seventeen years!

        I do! I mostly use Archive of Our Own, and I tend to stray towards anime fandom. Do you post anywhere?

        1. Julia*

          I took a pretty long break from fanfic, and before that I mostly wrote in German and posted that on animexx, which is our resident fandom community. I’m finally getting back into writing though! Gotta finish up some stuff…

          AOOO allows comics as well? The things you learn!

          1. Beancat*

            That’s so cool! I love hearing about other folks’ writing processes :) Good luck finishing up!

            Oh, sorry for the confusion! I post fanfic on Ao3; this manga will be my first major comic! I do post a little comic about mental health but nothing on this level. Though I think you can actually upload art to Ao3? I don’t see much art but it’s there sometimes!

            1. Julia*

              Thank you!

              Oh, I see. Mental health is something I’m interested in, so I’d love to read youe comic!

              1. Beancat*

                Oh, thank you so much! I’ll share a link in the next reply, but I’m on Pillowfort under the name Banj’s Brain!

            2. allathian*

              Good luck! I really like the pencil sketches in your mental health comic. The style looks very anime/manga although I’m not very familiar with either.

    2. Jaid*

      Nice! I’m looking forward to the finished product. May I ask what it’s about? You can always say you’re not ready to share :-)

      1. Beancat*

        Thank you so much!! :) I’ll be sure to link when it’s done!

        Sure thing! It’s a fantasy about a teenage girl who was adopted, but in the village her father is from all the teens coming of age need to go on a three-day survival trial-slash-hunt to prove they can support the village as it supported their growth. She isn’t from there but wants to take the trial to prove that she belongs, too. And from there it’s mostly how that trial goes! :)

  11. TimeCat*

    Just a rant: my father in law had a heart attack a month ago. It was very touch and go for a while there but he pulled through. He had to have his heart restarted twice.

    And then last night my in laws call us from a crowded restaurant out with a bunch of people they barely know from their church. I seriously just explained the CDC restaurant transmission paper to my MIL last week. We just had a talk about how their state is likely undercutting numbers. Seriously I get the whole “Boomers think they’re bulletproof” but seriously the guy just had a heart attack. What are they thinking? My spouse is absolutely furious.

    1. Hazy Days*

      It’s tough for your spouse, but I think that people who have just gone through a major traumatic event like a heart attack or cancer often do make the decisions that make sense to them at that moment, not the ones that make sense to their wider family. He has access to all the same health info you do, so he can make those choices when he’s in a different head space.

      1. pancakes*

        His wife didn’t just have a heart attack too, though. I’ve had cancer (and a recurrence during my first round of treatment, fwiw) and would not expect friends and family to join me if I felt the need to do risky things. I do still drink, which is risky, but I’d never in a million years consider pressuring anyone into joining me.

        1. TimeCat*

          They also live with my sister in law and her 18 month old, too. So they’re risking my niece too.

          1. Observer*

            Your niece is the one person you probably don’t need to worry about unless the child has some underlying illness. No one knows why, but young children just aren’t getting it unless they have other risk factors.

            But I can see why you and your spouse are ready to blow…

            1. TimeCat*

              I mean, my Dad is a pediatrician and he says to take the Kawasaki stuff seriously.

              My Dad is a doctor and my brother and younger sister both work in hospitals in various capacities. People are cavalier about this virus but then run to the hospital and of course my Dad will treat sick kids and my brother and sister keep the hospitals running while being exposed to patient areas.

              1. Observer*

                Yes, the Kawasaki thing is serious. But it’s just not that common.

                Again, I agree that the IL’s are being irresponsible. And I disagree that they are making “reasonable decisions based on their best information”, because AT MINIMUM, they are putting others at some risk. But, given the numbers and what we know, the child is not the one most at risk. Her PARENTS are…

    2. bunniferous*

      They are hungry for normality. I am a Boomer myself and my husband has health issues, and we are NOT going out to restaurants, etc. A lot of our friends in the same age range are chomping at the bit to get back to normal. And I am thinking that especially after that heart attack, some heavy duty denial is going on as well.

      You talked to them, you gave them information, you did the best you could. Hopefully they live in a state where things are not as impacted as others. I’m sorry.

    3. allathian*

      That’s just so tough when people you care about make choices that you disagree with, especially when it concerns their health.
      They do have the right to make that choice, though.
      In my area, sit-down restaurants are takeout only until the end of May, and after that they’re only allowed half the number of covers that their license is for. I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable eating in a restaurant again.

  12. My Family Knows I Read This Blog*

    Small successes: My motherinlaw has told her freeloader* friend that he must wear a mask in her house or he must move. I am relieved…. last time I did the “driveway dropoff” and waved through the window, he was on the porch on the phone with a black market barber.
    (Doubly frustrating because his hair’s so short he might as well go full Picard.)

    1. Kate*

      Sounds like there’s a footnote to go with the * !

      I just can’t with my inlaws. One thought it was a great idea to go shopping while having covid symptoms, but won’t go to have a test.

      1. My Family Knows I Read This Blog*

        I deleted it as too long & identifiable. He “helps with the things she can’t do”…but she’s cooking & shopping & not paying rent.. and this isn’t even a romance.

      1. RollyPolly*

        If you don’t mind me asking, what constitutes a foster fail? Asking because I’ve been seriously contemplating fostering for a while now. Thanks.

          1. RollyPolly*

            Thank link helps; thank you, Alison. I, too, thought that adoption was a fostering success, but having read the discussion, now I understand the other perspective. That helps me move forward. Thank you.

  14. Seeking Second Childhood*

    How does your garden grow? I’ll put it in the comments to make it easier on people who collapse threads & skip past this one.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      tldr? YAY flowers! SOB sun-burned overwintered plants and frost-killed seedlings.
      I’m so glad I mowed the lawn when it first started looking ragged — during the wet week that followed, I had a couple of bulbs bloom *IN* the lawn that I didn’t notice other years. (The hazards of me mowing in the evening I guess!)I have them marked and just need to not mow them over before it’s safe to transplant them. Grape Hyacinth and Star of David. Between that and the dianthus (pinks) just starting to bloom the yard smells sweet.
      The may apple and peony look great without their blanket of raspberry cane (and my thorns are gone thanks for asking).
      Our fig and many of my geraniums though, they did NOT transfer outside very well. Nights got warm enough to put them out and immediately the days got hot. I’ve lost most of the overwintered lilies (last summer’s sale items that never made it into the ground because of my commute)….they had to be moved outside too early because they spawned aphids, so they’re all bent & twisted from that late frost. And I didn’t get the aphids out soon enough anyway, the dahlias are also covered. Today I’ll plant the seedlings I got just after that forecast frost and before the UNforecast frost — the zucchinis went in last week because I was hoping maybe they could be saved. Not looking good. But the tarragon and dill seem happy in their planters, as does the first heirloom tomato (“Old German”). I’ve also started spreading the random old flower seeds I found in our storage unit in hopes that some of them come up. Nasturtiums are sturdy and hard to sprout anyway so what the heck, out by the mailbox they go, along with daisy seeds gathered from a friend’s house, and things like that.
      I do wish I could plant milkweed out by the road — but the town runs a bush-cutter along the edges of this country road, and we’re so steep that we pretty much only have edges. So anything over about a foot tall is in danger. Wish me luck, a lot to do before the rain starts.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Oh my gosh, well my mum planted a grass type plant in my front yard a couple of years ago and it has taken.over. So I’m busy trying to get rid of it. Currently I have cut all the woody stems down to the ground and now I’m trying to get rid of the roots, which is basically like a tree stump >.<

      1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

        So I’m a gardening novice, but my husband and I finally bought some seedlings from a local farm and planted some herbs and lettuce last week. It took most of the day to prepare the garden box/protect everything with chicken wire, but we are so excited! Any tips other than watering it regularly? We planted chives, dill, sage, mint, cilantro, scallions, and red/green lettuce, and we live in the northeast. We followed all the instructions to space the plants properly and stuff, but I want to make sure we give our little plants the best chance.

        1. Twinkle toes*

          I’m a garden novice too but had to give up after iguana ate everything b4 I could harvest it. I’m in South florida.

          1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

            I had no idea iguanas were common garden menaces! My main issue were rabbits and the occasional deer.

            1. Kate*

              My garden’s main menace are free-range cats who dig out my seedlings while pooping on plant beds.

        2. Hotdog not dog*

          Following the planting instructions is about 90% of the road to success. Watering and weeding are another 5, and the last 5 is luck!

      1. MistOrMister*

        Hahahaha, my weeds are flourishing like…well, weeds!

        I planted various seeds a week or two ago. I’ve got radishes and catgrass popping up and one lone pepper plant is making an appearance. I think the critters dug up some of the other seeds so I don’t know if I’ll be getting the carrots, beans and cucumbers. But boy howdy, if you like radishes, those things sprout in 2 seconds!

        1. Kate*

          Yeah, I have two raised beds out of four filled with radishes (to be eaten before other crops get planted out), but they tend to not grow much root in my garden. :( Is it some kind of day length/temperature ratio or whatever, I don’t know. I have rathėr a shady garden actually, maybe that influences it. But peas, carrots, tomatoes usually grow well!
          I also have some peas and carrots sown (but no sign of carrots yet, maybe I need new seeds), and I planted zucchini out last week only for them to die during a colder night. At least I didn’t plant out all seedlings, but I will be careful with those that I have indoors… So I still have tomatoes and zucchini and some peppers on windows. My 5yo likes to sow whatever seeds there are to be found in food, so I think some of tomatoes are “unofficial” seeds, and we are waiting for a pepper, some apple and pear and orange seeds to start. I’m not very optimistic about these myself.
          Oh and I have some herb seedlings but I don’t remember what they are because I dumped all my past-best-before seeds in pots (gotta give them a chance after all) and didn’t mark which was which.

      2. Venus*

        Dandelions are apparently really important for bees and other insects, as they are the first flowers to bloom and help them recover after a long winter. So you are doing your part to save the little pollinators!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          The leaves are also edible when small. Bitter, and someone here spoke of what sounded like an allergic reaction, but edible.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I have still not planted anything out, although some of the seedlings I started ages ago have graduated to the plastic greenhouse outside. Except we had one wierdly hot day last week and I didn’t think to check on the plants until lunchtime so a few of them got cooked. :( Some of them survived but half of them did not. I started a new round of seeds the other day.

      I got busy with a volunteer research project and I have done hardly anything in the garden except water some things now and then. My major renovation project has been on hold for a few weeks as a result, but they are starting to collect garden waste again here so I can get back to cutting all the overgrown things back. The strawberries have flowers on them and a few of the bulbs I planted months ago might actually be starting to show some signs of life, finally. The asparagus is being very pitiful and so far it’s been unpleasantly woody to try to eat. I hope things are normal enough next year that I can buy a few more crowns to plant.

      1. Bluebell*

        Peonies are my favorite. They aren’t quite out here in New England. My one peony bush has one bud this year. My in-laws used to have quite a few- I may ask spouse if we can do a drive by in a week or so.

      2. Nita*

        Yay! I just discovered this year that my peony, which was nearly killed a few years ago by an overzealous neighbor, has recovered enough to set a flower bud. So glad to see it. I spent so much time trying to get it healthy again!

    6. Clarissa*

      The gardeners came yesterday for the first time since lockdown began, so the hedges are clipped back and the weeds have been dealt with, at least. The lavender and roses are looking pretty good, just waiting for the tubs and other beds to get there.

    7. Ali G*

      We had oue front beds redone a couple of weeks ago. We fully watered twice (it takes like 4 hours total because we have to move the sprinkler around to get everyone) and Hubs was like – we are getting soaker hoses! So we laid them out last weekend and this weekend we will bury them. I’m also creating a care sheet document for all the plants so we know what we need to do and when.
      The peppers I planted are doing OK. One of them is like 6 inches tall and is making tiny peppers! I picked one because it was rotted on the end, but I’m going to let the other one go and see if grows or not.

    8. Jaid*

      I have two dogwood sapling growing in my balcony planter. I mean, the planter has fake greenery in it because I’m too lazy to actually deal with it, but there’s real soil in it. And there’s a lot of trees in my apartment complex…

      It’s not the first time “life finds a way”. Eventually I’ll bring them to my BFF’s Mom and she’ll find a place to plant them on her land.

        1. Jaid*

          Oh, they’re already about a foot and a half tall. I wouldn’t mess with them at this point.

    9. pancakes*

      My tomato seedlings are doing well, even one I accidentally decapitated with the thin, sharp edge of the plastic mini-greenhouse trays I started them in. For a couple weeks it was just a naked stalk but now it has four weird leaves!

    10. Anonymath*

      Passion fruit are starting to drop off the tree, some inside our fence and some outside, so I’m on regular patrol to grab any that have fallen outside before any passers by do. Got some mint repotted and also some wintergreen that have outgrown their first pots. Kale is still going and the jalapeños are starting to get to pickable size. One type of okra is producing and the other type looks to be starting soon. We’ve also got some baby honeydew and cantaloupe melons growing. The volunteer cherry tomatoes are taking over one side of our side yard. And it’s hot, getting too hot to putter in the garden except for early morning.

    11. Venus*

      The nights are now warm enough for tomato seedlings to be planted, which is great news! My asparagus is doing really well right now, as are the tulips and raspberry plant. I tried growing a pepper plant from seed, and we’ll see if it does anything this year.

      My garden is doing better than I am – I managed to get sunburnt yesterday! I’m now limiting my time outside to before 10am or after 4pm. Speaking of which… time for me to mow the grass!

    12. Nita*

      Finally got the seeds I ordered by mail, and planted some today. So far, most of what I put in the ground last week hasn’t come up… but it’s still early so I’m hoping to see seedlings next week. The bean sprouts are looking good, but I don’t know if that will last. There seems to be some kind of bean virus in our soil, because I’ve never managed to get beans to grow beyond the first few leaves in NYC indoors – they always get sick and die. I hope they grow better outdoors with more light and fresh air!

  15. Retail not Retail*

    Glasses wearing peeps – how goes the mask in the humidity?

    I think I’ve got it set with my big sunglasses and cup style mask. So today I’m wearing the identical framed normal glasses. (I’m addicted to buying glasses and just find prescription sunglasses so cool.) It’s less humid right now so here’s hoping!

    Thursday my good mask was tangled so I put on another and I could not keep it on, the elastic is too small. And when I did have it on, forget about seeing.

    The open gyms in town want people to wear masks when they work out. Well it’ll hit 90 today and while we don’t do like gym cardio, we will be miserable. I can’t imagine wearing a mask to work out!

    1. Jdc*

      So annoying. I have got better at breathing in through my nose and out my mouth. I finally bought some shaving cream. They say to wipe the lenses with it and it should help. We shall see. I don’t use shaving cream anymore though so it took an actual trip to buy some.

      1. Jdc*

        Also I have no idea how one could be expected to workout with a mask on. I hope they have an ambulance in the parking lot waiting because I’d pass out for sure. Even a quick run into the store has me ripping my mask off as soon as i hit the car, cheeks red. My gym sent an email about their rules when they open. No masks required for working out but only 10 people in the gym at once and blocked off machines. Easy for my gym as it’s a small private gym in a small town. I’ve never seen more than one person there so I’m not overly concerned. Plus I go at slow times for any gym for the simple fact that I never have liked being packed into a gym. They open on the 1st here in Illinois and I can’t wait. I want to be careful but at the same time me ending up dragged off on a stretcher and brought to the ER surely is higher risk than being in my gym with one or two other people there 20 feet apart. If I don’t get back to working out my mental health will suffer far worse. I’ve tried more workouts at home but running is really what I need. My knees hate running outdoors as well as we’ve had rain pretty much every day for weeks and weeks. I’ve gained weight so mentally that’s hurting me and my body aches from less activity. We’d get a treadmill used or something if we had anywhere at all to put it.

        1. AA*

          I sympathize, but the mental health of one does not trump the potential physical health impact on many. I know this is hard, but we all have to make sacrifices. Hang in there!

    2. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’ve tried wearing a mask with my glasses and it’s been an unmitigated disaster each time. Therefore I’ve had to adjust some things that require me to wear a mask to times when I’m wearing contact lenses and it’s a little annoying/minor inconvenience.

      As for your gym requiring a mask while working out, that seems pretty extreme. The only people I generally see wearing masks while working out are professional athletes who wear training masks to simulate the effects of high altitude training. Requiring a mask seems kinda harsh by your gym. It’s going to be very difficult.

      1. Jdc*

        Luckily my vision is good enough that I don’t “require” glasses for driving, meaning i can see just not make out small details. I wear them for driving because i can see the animal in the road but with them i can see if it’s a bunny or squirrel. At least I can take them off when I’m in a store. I just can’t see the sign that tells me where the pickles are until I get closer.

      2. SemiAnon*

        The problem is that exercising involves a lot of heavy breathing, generally with the mouth open, which means spraying droplets past the six foot “safe” radius. So if someone is exercising while contagious, it’s a lot less save than doing something like grocery shopping without a mask. Honestly, if I were making that choice, I’d stick to outdoor or home exercise, and bypass the gym.

        As far as glasses – it helps to wedge the glasses down over the top of the mask, so that your breath goes down rather than up. It’s above 30 C here (90F) and humid, and masks are mandatory in many places, so I’ve had time to practice.

      3. Wired Wolf*

        I can wear a mask with my glasses if it’s situated properly on my nose (I found a washable headstrap-style mask that I can actually wear, straps are adjustable which helps with the nose seal and my glasses can sit above the mask if I do it properly). Still mildly annoying but nowhere near as much as the masks I was using.

    3. AnonandAnon*

      Went to the store for the first time in weeks yesterday as hubby usually does the shopping. Had my mask on and yes the glasses were fogged up, and initially I had my sunglasses clips on and forgot so was really annoyed thinking I had to do the shopping half blind. I was so anxious about the whole thing, following the lines, having to go back and forth to one end of the store to the other since I’m not familiar with the store. Took me an hour and a half to shop for what amounted to maybe 1/2 a cart of items, I was in awe and amazement when I saw a woman with her cart piled high. Of course there were people going slow as molasses, going the wrong way, wearing their masks incorrectly (you have to cover your nose too!), and I could not find a few items on my list. Thankfully I was checking out when I saw a family of three, no masks, waltz into the store. Management can’t stay a damn thing to them as they may have a reason why none were wearing a mask and HIPAA laws prevent questioning them about medical conditions which exclude them from doing so. I was far enough away and was leaving but it really pissed me off. I honestly think the stores could also remove some of the items that are in the middle of the end aisles, they really cause people who are trying to be careful unnecessary anxiety if they can’t go around someone safely. I could not imagine going to a gym wearing a mask, I’d rather just be outside in the wide open spaces mask-free.

      1. Alice*

        Re HIPAA – that is a common misunderstanding. HIPAA only applies to health care providers and health care facilities.
        Separately, the ADA does apply to stores, but as we’ve often heard on this site on work threads, the accommodation has to be reasonable. If a store employee offered to do curbside delivery for someone who says they have a disability preventing them from wearing a mask, that sounds like a perfectly reasonable accommodation to me. (Not a lawyer)
        I wouldn’t want to be the retail employee trying to explain that fact to those folks though….

        1. Fikly*

          In fairness, the majority of healthcare workers do not understand HIPAA.

          For example, in an emergency, disclosure of medical information without consent (not refused consent, but when consent is unavailable) to save someone’s life is permitted, but most don’t know about that exception, and will refuse to disclose.

      2. ThatGirl*

        There is a meme going around that claims the ADA and HIPAA mean someone can walk into a store with no mask. It’s baloney, and the people invoking it are doing so because they think it’s letting them get away with something or that rules don’t apply to them. If the ADA truly applies there are other options that don’t involve walking into a store maskless.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I don’t wear glasses outside, but I hate how the mask feels. I did read (maybe here?) that twisting the sides makes a vent so makes it easier to breathe. It feels only marginally better.

      What makes it feel worse is that literally as soon as I step out of the house, I have to cough/clear my throat or sneeze. While I haven’t gotten any dirty looks, I’m sure they’ll be coming. I still cover my mouth with my elbow/arm out of habit.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      I find if I wear the mask a little higher on my nose my glasses don’t fog up. But then my glasses aren’t resting on my nose and they slip down much easier. They’ve almost fallen off a couple times. I’m going to have to make something to hold them on my head better.

    6. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      The gym wants you to wear masks? Even when you’re exercising? Even cardio? They’re mad. There’s at least one case of a runner who had a collapsed lung because he was forced to wear a mask. That’s a no no.

      1. Retail not Retail*

        Yeah the website says “requests” and “recommends” in common areas! It’s so wild!

        My job is gardening so allergies have necessitated a mask this year but we have to wear them any time we’re in vehicles together and any time guests can see us. It’s gonna suuuuuuck next week.

      2. runner*

        I mean? I would not feel safe in a gym with a bunch of unmasked people; the studies are showing that one of the ways the virus infects more people is through (re)circulated air, such as in restaurants but also gyms. Being indoors in enclosed spaces for a long time is not a great idea.

        I get not wanting to wear a mask while exercising (I don’t while running) but also gyms are going to be a transmission spot.

      3. rear mech*

        heavy breathing and/or forceful exhalation in an indoor space is pretty much the best way to spread the virus (adding a 2nd comment with the link that explains why, with some case studies) Honestly not sure why gyms are even open?

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Thank you, this is a great link–explains the science and math well. I especially appreciate the little illustrations of mass outbreak architecture, like the floor in the call center.

      4. Fikly*

        No, what’s mad is exercising in a gym with multiple people in it without wearing a mask.

        You do not need to be exercising in a gym. You do need to be alive.

    7. LGC*

      Ugh, I couldn’t imagine wearing a mask to work out either! Although it might be necessary for gyms.

      I’ve finally figured out how to get masks to kind of fit me. I just need to put it pretty high up on my face. Which is a bit problematic with my nose shape – kind of broad and flat. Even in those cases, with my regular prescription glasses I get a lot of fogging (my sunglasses are a bit larger and less problematic).

    8. matcha123*

      I use anti-fog wipes on my glasses before I go out if I think they’ll get fogged up. Check Amazon!

      1. pancakes*

        Try just washing them with soap and water. Sounds improbable but it really does work.

        1. Retail not Retail*

          The big glasses and finally getting the cup right really made a difference today in terms of fogginess.

          Last week i put dish soap on them and let them air dry.

          Now making it through the last hour of work when it’s high humidity and high temperature? Ugh well i survived didn’t i?

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I recall that snorkel guides used baby shampoo, a drop rubbed inside the lenses. Guessing that would work here too.

    9. Wehaf*

      The more snugly your mask sits across the top of your nose and cheeks, the less fogging you should see; this is likely why your cup-style mask causes fewer problems. In addition to cup-style masks, ones with nose wires should work well to help you avoid fogging.

      You can also wash your glasses in mildly soapy water, and dry with a clean cloth without rinsing. The soap residue should not be visible but will resist fogging.

    10. Rebecca*

      I just walked to the post office in my rural town, it’s only in the 60’s F but 95% humidity. Put my thin cloth mask on to go into the post office. Glasses fogged immediately, I couldn’t see, I started to sweat, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I don’t have underlying health issues, so it’s not due to asthma or a breathing issue. This is not going to work during the summer.

    11. Jean (just Jean)*

      Indoors, I take off the glasses and resign myself to being near-sighted. (Fortunately for me I can see pretty clearly for up to six feet away. It’s just annoying when I’m trying to read the overhead signs in a grocery store.)
      Outdoors, when I’m not near other people, I push my mask down to uncover at least my nose, or both my nose and mouth.

      It’s not ideal, but not much is ideal about this coronavirus situation.

      1. Rebecca*

        I’m nearsighted, and can see clearly about 12-18″ from my face. It doesn’t work for me to take off my glasses where I have to see things and discern what they are in a grocery store.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          I understand my solution won’t work for all nearsighted people. Sympathies.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          We added a little nose-bar pocket to the top middle of the fabric masks I made. Insert a bit of pipe cleaner (my choice, lightweight) or other wire (my husband uses a heavy wire he had for something in the shop). To mimic the little metal clip over the bridge of the nose in the masks from the hospital.

    12. Lynn*

      I have a couple fabric masks that don’t have the part to fit on top of my nose. I pull them up to just under my eyes and set my glasses on the fabric. Any hot air that does come out the top of my mask bypasses the lenses. Unfortunately, these don’t have a filter pocket, so I don’t use them for longer wear, like the grocery store, but I like this method for popping out to the copier or bathroom on my in-office days.

      1. epi*

        Yeah, this is how I do it. Wear the mask a bit higher, set glasses down on top, and the weight of the frame holds down the top edge of the mask. People with larger plastic frames should definitely give this a shot.

        I have gotten in the habit of putting on my mask first as I get ready to leave my apartment, so I can see how it’s working while I’m still indoors. If I get ready too quickly sometimes I’ll just stand around for a couple minutes seeing if I get an unacceptable amount of fog. It only took me 2-3 tries before I was getting through this step noticeably faster because I recognized when I was wearing it right.

    13. nnn*

      So far, I’ve found the kleenex barrier to be the most effective way to keep my glasses clear. There’s still a bit of fog, but I can see at all times now.

    14. Pam*

      I not only have the fogging, but the glasses that don’t want to stay on my ears, so I put a sunglass leash on, so the glasses stay on.

    15. Dancing Otter*

      But breathing harder makes your exhaled breath go farther. That means that six foot distance needs to be doubled or trebled. The studies were published in reference to runners and cyclists, but I’m sure machine exercise and free weights would have the same effect.

      Maybe you should stay home if you don’t want to follow the gym’s stated rules.

      Or you could just be sensible and wear the mask, to protect not just yourself but everyone around you.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Even singing…
        “How coronavirus spread from one member to 87% of the singers at a Washington choir practice
        …
        Authorities interviewed all 122 members of the Skagit Valley Chorale, which met every Tuesday for 2.5 hours before the outbreak. They focused on two rehearsals held March 3 and March 10 in Mount Vernon, Washington.
        The report said 53 people were sickened and two died — and all but one attended both rehearsals. The report said Thirty-three cases were confirmed, the report said, and 20 people had probable infections.
        “

    16. AL (the other one)*

      2 things that I found helpful

      – wearing a mask that allows for a wire across the bridge of the nose.

      – when exhaling, breathe through your mouth and angle the air flow downward (like playing the flute?)

    17. Biolab*

      So a couple of tips for glasses wearers:
      1. If you can, find a mask with a nose wire (or make your own). This helps to make a better seal around the top of the mask which stops the air you breath out from going out the top and fogging up your glasses. Depending on the mask you already have you might be able to add a nose wire to it – youtube and instagram are great resources to find tutorials.
      2. I’ve seen (but not personally tried) a few people recommend putting a tissue under the mask at the top as this also block air from wooshing out the top.
      3. Put shaving cream on the lenses of your glasses and rub it until the lenses are clear. This leaves a film on the lenses which should prevent fogging.

  16. Last week’s dog anesthesia post*

    For those who responded to my post last week about my almost 18 year old toy poodle getting anesthesized for a dental, she did really well. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

    I’m so impressed with how tough she is for a 7 pound very old dog. She def has RBG energy. She’s got enough spunk in her to fight us when we try to give her pain killers and antibiotics. A little too much spunk .

    7. Nesprin*

      =) Our pit mix needed handfulls of pills for a month- we coated pills in peanut butter or wrapped in kraft singles and he was thrilled to eat em.

  17. Alice*

    What a weird problem to share: I like being “safer at home” too much. I am introverted and I have a great situation – good WFH conditions, big house with outdoor space, plenty of supplies.
    My problem, if you can call it that, is that I fear I’m letting my social ties atrophy. It’s just hard to call or text people when there is nothing new to say. There are only so many cat photos you can send people.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This is the problem with not going out much, it’s harder to find things to talk about. But lots of people are in the same boat, they don’t have a lot either. You can make conversations shorter, expect less of yourself in terms of how long you visit. And you can ask them questions- how are they doing; working on any thing fun; how’s the dog/grandma/small child. You might feel better if you plan a couple of things to talk about before you initiate the conversation. And it’s fine to say, “I am not doing too much here, so not too much to talk about. But just wanted to call and say hi and find out how you were doing.”
      Once you have talked to a couple people you will have more material to talk about with others, also. For example, my friend mentioned making tick tubes. I googled that. Now I am making tick tubes. It’s a stupid little thing, but it’s something to talk about.

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        The problem I’m finding is that if I call someone, we inevitably talk about the virus. And how things have changed because of the virus. And I am so, so, so sick of talking about the virus. So I find myself not reaching out at all.

        1. Wired Wolf*

          I have a friend like this. Almost every conversation is about the virus or work (she was fired a week before the rest of us were furloughed). She’s not the type of person who seeks out new things, so I can’t give her a neat link I found; if she reads it I’ll get quizzed on “what’s the point of this? By the way, that site had a [clickbait ad] link to XYZ about the virus is that what you wanted me to read?”

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Tick tubes, not as easy a DIY project as it seems. Cornell Extension blog post link coming up separately.

    2. Bookworm*

      Join a book club, or just read a book so you have something to talk about. It’s not about reading the book, it’s about maintaining social skills so that when you need them, you have them.

    3. Lena Clare*

      A pal and I sometimes watch a Netflix film ‘together’, then we’ll Skype each other afterwards to chat about it.
      We make ourselves a coffee, and pretend we’ve just been to the cinema and are now at the coffee shop (our usual haunts).

      2. Blarg*

        I’ve watched a couple concert films of bands with friends (we all click play at the same time on YouTube… low tech and easy, ok if we are a couple seconds off). Then we text throughout it. Makes me focus more on the music rather than it being in the background and a reminder what a crowd singing along looks like. It’s very easy social connection. Don’t even have to talk. But shared experience. Then I end up crying cause I miss live music but I cry at the actual shows, too… what else is new?

        1. pancakes*

          There are browser plug-ins that will sync you all up! I haven’t tried this yet but have been meaning to.

      3. Filosofickle*

        Some friends have started a weekly movie club. Watch the movie independently sometime during the week, then spend an hour over the weekend chatting over zoom. It’s so nice to have something light and easy to talk about!

        As a bit of a hermit myself, I was doing so well at reaching out in the beginning. In some ways it was ideal — meaningful conversations without going anywhere. But I don’t want to have the same pandemic convo over and over, and most of us don’t have a lot else going on to talk about. So I’ve stopped reaching out and feel lousy about not taking better care of friends who need contact more than I do.

    5. nep*

      I hear you.
      I think we can’t really know exactly what happens with social ties, as we’ve never gone through precisely this experience. But maybe think about how they’ll be different–not necessarily stale or dead–and how it will be interesting to watch them re-ignite or re-bloom, so to speak, once the virus is not such an all-consuming presence.
      All the best

    6. MistOrMister*

      This is interesting, because I’m the same way about loving being “forced” to stay home. No issues with conversation points though. I find there’s usually something in the news (did you hear about those nfl players that apparently robbed people at a house party that it sounds like they were attending??? WHAAAAT?) or I blather about what I’m doing. It’s amazing how you start telling someone about your vacuuming spree and open up a whole floodgate of coversation. I’ve had a lot of talks over the years with a friend about mundane house stuff (getting ants, etc) and it always amazes me how we can actually enjoy that kind of conversation. With people I know, I feel like there is always something to tall about. Now, put me with a stranger and all you’re going to hear is crickets chirping!!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’m with you. I live with the majority of my local social circle (my husband and my brother :P ) and everyone else I normally have social ties with was long-distance anyway, to some degree or another. (Some are an hour away, some are three or four states away.)

      I started sending postcards – I got a couple variety packs off Amazon, and for every postcard, I’m writing four or five trivia facts that I find on the internet for whatever is on the front. (The last two batches are wild animals and Disney princesses.) I’m also sending postcards directly to my friends’ kids, so that they can get something in the mail too.

    8. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      +1 I’m an introvert and I haven’t text some of my friends. Most of them are swamped with work, spouses, kids or all of them, so I don’t feel that bad for being distant.

    9. Disco Janet*

      Yep. I feel like I’ve turned into just endlessly talking about work and how my kids are driving me crazy because there’s nothing else to talk about. Then the negativity gets to me.

      I’ve started planning a vacation for next summer to have something else to think about.

    10. KR*

      I completely understand this. I am so introverted and withdrawn I have a very hard time maintaining friendships with people and keeping up touch. I have to be friends with really awesome understanding people who know and understand that I love them dearly but my socializing ability is very limited.

    11. Arya Parya*

      A couple of friends and I would go to a music quiz once a month. We’ve now found some of those online and skype during them so we can play as a team.

      I’m very introverted as well and love this. I can still play a quiz, but don’t have to go out and be in a crowded, loud space. I’ll actually miss this once all of this is over.

    12. allathian*

      I feel the same. There’s literally not much to talk about. I text or call my friends about once a month now…

    13. Raia*

      This will sound really random, but do you enjoy board or video games at all? Any hobby you’d wanted to pick up and didn’t find the time or energy before?

      The board game community is much bigger than I ever imagined (theres more than Monopoly and Sorry!), and several games can be played solo. That might give you things to do and/or talk about. I’ve been enjoying a game called Sorcerer City solo, but there are easier solo games to start off with, like Cartographers or Tiny Towns. Some people even stream games on Twitch so that the whole chat can play, which is pretty enjoyable to engage with live. Being active in chat is where I’m getting most of my social interaction these days. Video gamers also stream on twitch, although that is less engaging if you arent playing the game with them. Twitch also has people who just chat, cooking channels, music channels, etc and if there are less than 50 viewers ish in a stream, and you stick around for a few days the streamer will remember you and get to know you, which is fun!

  18. Princess Deviant*

    This isn’t really a question, but I just wanted to share call on I told my best friend (who is neurotypical) that I am autistic and her response was so lovely! We ended up crying for ages.

    It was over text, I just thought it was easier that way.

    What really got me was when she said that she was sorry I have been masking and she hoped that she hasn’t made me feel that I needed to hide parts of myself from her. She also said that she loves me just as I was but if there were parts of me that she hasn’t seen yet, then to bring them on.

    :D
    I just wanted to share that.

    1. Migrainemonster*

      Aw I’m glad you have a supportive friend and that you felt comfortable to tell her! Happy for you guys! Good to hear some good news!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Felt a little pang in my heart on this one. She sounds like a very neat person. You both won here.

    4. Lady Farquaad*

      My son is neurotypical and I love his every quirk. I’m so happy God made him the way he has. The world would be boring and much less advanced if not for our neurotypical humans. Much love to you!

    7. Raia*

      Friends like this is what life is all about. Makes my heart happy to read this and am so glad you shared! I hope to be this kind of friend to the people in my life.

  19. UbiCaritas*

    I mentioned last week that I have been diagnosed with breast cancer – I had surgery on Thursday. Everything went well, very little pain, now waiting for path results. Here’s the thing – I need to take better care of myself: lose some weight, get some exercise. I haven’t cared about my body in so long that I don’t even know how to start! Baby steps, right? I’ll probably be on lockdown for the rest of the year (if I have chemo) so maybe this is a good time to start? How do you change the tape in your head from “I don’t matter” to “I’m worthwhile”?

    1. nep*

      What I hear in your post right here is ‘I’m worthwhile.’
      Remember the space between a thought and a reaction–you have a lot of power in that space.
      And YES…baby steps. That’s the way to go. Baby steps turn into huge leaps.
      So glad your surgery went well. Peace and best of health to you. I look forward to hearing how it goes.

    2. Choggy*

      I too feel the same way, I go back and forth between caring and not caring. I wish I could bottle the feeling I get after a nice walk though, and remember how good I felt as a motivator to make it a habit. I always thought doing something in a small way did not matter, but it does, even if only for your mood. One thing that helped me was to make sure I was as comfortable as possible, I purchased nice active wear, good sneakers, got myself some wireless headphones, downloaded the free Pandora app on my smart phone, picked some enjoyable music and off I go. Now that the weather is nicer, I make sure to enjoy the flowers, the trees, the birds, just the smell of the outdoors. I take a breather when I need it, not that I’m walking fast, but sometimes, just standing still and taking it all in is a great pick me up. I am worth it, so are you!

    3. Hi there*

      I am so glad everything went well! My big suggestion would be to do things you enjoy and to give yourself time to find those out. For exercise maybe you like jumping rope or walking or biking. Or boxing. I’d also recommend not trying to change everything at once, instead picking one thing at a time. Will it be one more serving of vegetables at dinner? Learning to cook your favorite vegetables in new ways? Healthy snacking? Exercising a certain number of times a week? Taking up a mindfulness practice like meditation, yoga or coloring a certain number of times a week?

      I recommend the book about happiness by Gretchen Rubin. (I think it is called Happier) It helped me look at a lot of areas of my life and see where I can make small changes that increased my quality of life. I am cheering for you!

    4. Anon woman without breast cancer*

      Congrats on getting the surgery done, having little pain, and acknowledging your needs. I was diagnosed in October 2019, had chemo first, then surgery in April, and am now almost done with radiotherapy. I am cancer free and will take probably Letrizol starting in June.

      If you have chemo, and if you are in lockdown for months due to being immune compromised, you will have a lot of time to think and change your inner monologues. I kept a journal in my chemo and checked in here on weekends to share progress. Being cheered on here and by friends and family helped me to cheer myself on, too. I always knew I was strong but kicking cancer’s lumpy bastard ass to the curb and getting healthy again has proved to me that I am very strong.

      Chemo finished for me in mid March, since 26 March I have walked over 250km, walking each day and building my body back up again. I did a few walks during chemo when it was nice outside, too. Exercising will help you care for your body and will help the chemo go more smoothly. Walk each day, do some gentle yoga, drink lots of water, and sleep a lot if you can. Once your body is reset after months of chemo, the exercising and gentle walks will help you to climb out of that and rebuild yourself.

      Wishing you terrific pathology results and light chemo and good health outcomes. You are worthwhile.

      1. UbiCaritas*

        Oh, thank you – very good ideas. “Time to think and change your inner monologues” – so true. Best wishes on your journey!

      2. Sara without an H*

        I’m 18 months out from my last chemo treatment, and I’ll vouch for all these suggestions.

        I also like Hi There’s recommendation not to try to change too much at one time. Pick something, do it long enough that it becomes a habit, and then pick something else. I don’t know if it’s something in the American psyche, but we tend to go for all or nothing choices. Well, you probably can’t do it all — nobody can — but you can always do something.

        Best wishes for a good recovery!

      3. Kuododi*

        Hi there!!! I’m tickled to death to read your post. Thrilled to see the cancer is almost a none issue. I’ve been on Letrozole for the past six months and anticipate doing the full 5yrs on the med. Per my oncologist, Letrozole is given to women who are post menopausal. (Natural or surgical.)

        I had the temporary shunt removed back on Thursday after getting the left side kidney stones removed. I’m going back in four weeks from now to get the right side kidney stones addressed. More news as it is available. Blessings Kuododi

        1. Anon woman without breast cancer*

          hi Kuododi! Great to hear your news too! Good luck with kidney stones and good on shunt, too! Wishing you a good week ahead and continued improved health too!

    5. Mimmy*

      So happy to hear everything went well and with little pain! Sending positive vibes for the path results.

      Yes, you are worthwhile!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Congrats on getting through the surgery with little pain.

      Going from “I don’t matter” to “I am worthwhile” can feel like a huge leap sometimes.

      My suggestion is to change your tape to, “I don’t wanna have to do this again and I am willing to do what it takes to keep myself out of this stuff.”

      I shifted from thinking of weight loss as a way to look better to weight loss as a way to FEEL better. And this is when I gained ground with my goal to lose weight. I started watching what I ate and how I felt after I ate it. It became much easier to stay on track. To this day, I’d love to have a Coke Cola. I am not willing to put up with feeling crappy on and off for days afterward, though. Likewise with other stuff. Once I saw that I did not get headaches like I used to and I was less apt to catch a cold, etc., that is when the dots connected in my head. I was able to stay on course.

      Something to mull over: Once we start taking more care of ourselves we then give ourselves the ability to feel worthwhile. So yeah, this may be the chicken or the egg question. You have an inroad by wanting to reclaim your health. I’d start there and follow your road where ever that goes.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      I am so happy that everything went well and am crossing my fingers for good path results!

    8. Sara(h)*

      I once read somewhere that even to just put on your workout clothes (which for me is just a t-shirt, gym shorts or yoga pants, and running shoes) is a great first step, and can be a goal in and of itself. Some days I make that my end goal, just to put on my exercise clothes, but usually once they’re on, I end up going on at least a short walk or run. Once in a while, the change of clothes is as far as I get! But somehow, this concept really helps me on days that I’m not motivated. And if the clothes change is as far I get today, I forgive myself and move on. But often the clothes change motivates me and helps me follow through with actual exercise.
      Another thing that helps me is the health app on my phone that shows daily mileage and steps. It helps me track progress. I have a wrist wallet that fits my phone and housekey, and inexpensive bluetooth earbuds. I listen to podcasts while I walk or run — I used to listen to music, but I find the podcasts work better for me, because I get absorbed and it’s a great distraction.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        When I was pregnant and uber fatigued and debating skipping the gym on my way home, my husband would tell me to go for 5 minutes. And it worked–usually once I’d done 5 minutes I was good to go longer than that. I used the same trick when I went back to the gym after cancer surgery–and sometimes it actually was 5 or 10 minutes and I was Done. But usually I could go longer than that. Having the baseline goal be really short and highly attainable helps.

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      I had surgery in January and am just winding up radiation during lockdown.

      I really liked this podcast on just how exercise increases immune function, sent around by my local cancer support center as lockdown started:
      https://huffines.podbean.com/e/268-exercise-increases-immune-function-how-we-know/

      Exercise–even if you don’t drop a pound–substantially diminishes the risk of both cancer recurrence and lymphedema, so I am highly motivated to find something physical to do. It also helps counter radiation fatigue, if you’re having that–I am the poster child for efficacy there. As someone said upthread, try to find something you like, or at least tolerate, and thus will be willing to do.

    10. Owler*

      I finished chemo ten years ago this month for colon cancer. One thing I started doing was thinking of my body as separate from me: the physical being as separate from the mental part of me. And then I started thinking of my body as a friend who I had ignored all of these years but deserved its own value. Similar to how you might be kinder to a friend than you are to yourself? So I tried to be kind to my body. I decided we had to be a team to beat back the cancer, and exercise became part of being a good friend to my body. Also, forgiveness. Baths in lavender and Epsom salts and resting when I felt like it were part of being kind to myself.

      And this all sounds weird to have typed it out, but if any of this rings true for you, give it a try.

  20. Teapot Translator*

    Adventures in learning new things!
    For those who remember me trying to learn to ride a bike last summer, well, yesterday, I tried riding for the first time this season. It took me a few tries to start more or less straight and then I was scared during the short ride I did, but I did it! If I can, I will try to ride again today.
    Are you learning anything that is scaring your shirtless?

    1. nep*

      How wonderful. Good for you.
      This is a great reminder–do something each day that scares you. It’s a good way to live. Also I like that line, when’s the last time you did something for the first time? (Of course we’re all doing something for the first time every day right now–navigating a pandemic.)
      All the best and happy riding.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you! I rode again yesterday. I was stressed, but less. I’m going to try to ride again today. These are very short rides, but I’m working on my fear at the moment.

    2. Colette*

      Good for you! I wouldn’t say I’m learning things that scare be, but I have definitely pushed myself outside my comfort zone in the past couple of months! My Girl Guide travel group doesn’t escape room fundraisers- but of course we can’t do them now, so I’ve been moving them online.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I think it’s important to push ourselves out of our comfort zone in a “controllable” way, just because life will do it to us and, speaking only for myself, I need to learn to be able to manage.

    3. TechWorker*

      Good Luck!!! I love cycling I’m not fast but it makes me feel so free! I hope you are able to push through the fear til you feel that too :)

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thank you! I really want to stop feeling fear (and shame also, that I’m an adult who never learned as a child) so I have to push myself and it’s exhausting.
        I’m so out of shape though after two months of working from home and doing nothing! If I can get comfortable riding a bike, this will be so good for my cardio.

    4. chi chan*

      I am thinking of moving. I am only thinking of it but it is the first time I will be moving away alone so it is a little scary.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Moving is scary! Not because something horrible is going to happen, but because it’s big leap. I was old when I finally moved out of my parents’ house, but so were my brothers (it’s a cultural and family thing). I was so scared, but I needed to do it. I live with a general anxiety disorder that’s gotten a lot better over the years (with treatment), so it hasn’t been easy learning to live alone and being an adult, but we can do it. For me, living alone is the best. Too much togetherness makes me retreat into a shell and triggers “down” episodes, but everyone’s different.

  21. Green Mug*

    I have a neighbor situation. It’s so much more involved but here is the condensed version. The neighbors and their kids repeatedly cause damage to my property and trained their dog to use my lawn. I spoke up about the kids and the dog. The neighbor lost it. He completely cursed at me. He added that it was my fault he’s yelling because he’s a calm guy, and I’m unreasonable not wanting his kids or dog on my property. I left. My husband spoke to him. He apologized to my husband. My husband is taking the position that we have to live next to this guy so I should be cordial. My feeling is that he is the kind of guy who curses at a woman and tells her it’s her fault he’s yelling and cursing. I don’t want to interact with him on any level and would feel like a phony pretending otherwise. How do I walk this line?

    1. Jdc*

      Ugh I think you kind of just have to not engage even though it’s complete BS that you can’t speak to him without him yelling. Best option I guess given his behavior is to just have your husband be the one he speaks to. The damage thing is a big problem. Husband should be presenting him with a repair bill every time, but alas, then he’s mad and life is more difficult. I wish people could just stop being rude for no reason.

    2. Choggy*

      One thing you could do is put stuff on your lawn so the dog won’t want to go there. Something non-toxic, of course, but at least you don’t need to engage with an unreasonable owner. Not sure what to do about the kids though. What is so great about your property they want to play there? Maybe put up a fence?

      2. Dahlia Enthusiast*

        I’ve heard (anecdotally) that sprinkling used coffee grounds can deter dogs from using your lawn, assuming the dog is just allowed to wander over on its own, rather than brought over on a leash? Plus the nitrogen helps your grass grow.
        I’m not a coffee drinker, so I’ve never had enough spent grounds to try myself.

      3. Jackalope*

        One of my favorite stories about dog repellant: I knew someone who worked in a zoo whose yard had become a dog hub, including of course scent markers. He got some snow leopard urine and used it to “mark his territory”. He then watched several of the dogs who had previously used his yard walk by, smell the new scent markings, and flee. No more issues! Obviously this wouldn’t work for most people but it was highly satisfying to hear.

    3. Rebecca*

      Can you put up a fence? Plus, he is willfully trespassing! I don’t know where you live, but people here do not tolerate that very well – like, if I want to go hiking, and part of it is on private property, I go to that person’s house or call on the phone and ask permission first. And what would happen if one of his kids gets hurt? As for him, being “cordial” can mean not speaking to him. You are NOT unreasonable!

      1. Green Mug*

        Thank you for saying that I am not unreasonable. I also think about what happens when the kids get injured over here.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My god that is awful. I don’t know why some people are so entitled and think it’s OK to act like this. I’d be worried for the women and children in his family if he’s nice to men but yells at women.

      I would just refuse to interact with him and pretend he doesn’t exist. Not sure what can be done about the dog mess (he trained the dog to specifically use your lawn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). For the kids causing damage, is there an equivalent of 311 in your city where you can reach city services for non-emergency? I worry that if someone gets hurt on my property, I can be held liable.

      People like that are terrible humans.

      1. Frankie Bergstein*

        I wholeheartedly agree with this comment. What he did was not okay, and it is a red flag to me that he didn’t act that way with your husband. While it is not OK, it is reality – I think tasking your husband with all further communications with this neighbor is a good idea. Saying his lack of calm is your fault is NOT okay.

    5. I vote for a fence*

      Ugh, I’m so sorry.
      I agree, just have hubby deal with your neighbor. He’s shown you who he is. And if you can swing it, put up a fence. I imagine it will make a world of difference.

      We had neighbors move in a few years ago who put in a basketball court just feet from our house. It drives us all crazy. I regret not putting a fence up when we first realized how disruptive it would be. Honestly, I didn’t want to do it because I was annoyed that WE would have to spend money because THEY are so noisy…but I think my peace of mind would have been so much better over the years. It would have been money well spent. And it’s even more terrible now during this stay-at-home since the kids are out there all the time. However at this point, we are moving in a year so we are just going to continue to suffer through.

      1. Green Mug*

        We put up a row of bushes to mark the property line and try to keep the kids away. The bushes weren’t up a day before their kids were running through them. The wife said this is my fault for putting in more nice things. She wants me to count how many times her kids trespass on my property. She told me that they can’t watch their kids because they both work. The worst part is that I can tell that they truly believe that they are good neighbors. I don’t know how to deal with people who have a completely different outlook on reality.

        1. Jdc*

          Sorry neighbor but watching your kids is actually your job. CPS would agree. Serious facepalm.

        2. bring on the silver*

          I’m so sorry! You have my total sympathy. It seems obvious that reasoning is not going to work – and of course you do have to still live next to these people. Maybe a solid fence? Do you think both you and they will be there for years to come? I guess also consider how old and how many kids they have and figure out how many more years they will be abusing your yard.

        3. StellaBella*

          Now that garden centres are opening up, I think you need a new plan, and depending on your budget you can go high end or low end. Here are some ideas. A fence with a gate – and maybe trellis type wood that hold rose bushes – these have thorns but the roses and trellis fences look really pretty. Make the fence maybe only 4-5 feet high to keep the pests, including kids, out. Alternate between the shrubs these roses. Get a noise making animal repellent device – does not have to be very loud – some are up to 100+dB, but adding one to the yard to scare them or at least make noise to alert your neighbours to come wrangle the dog and kids may be an option. Get a camera and record all the trespassing. Then, after a few weeks, deliver the video to them and ask wtf they want to do about this issue. Fences are best option and can improve the look of a yard so may be the best option. Also there are scent repellents that are harmless to dogs but will keep the dog off your lawn. And I would bag up the dog doo and deposit it in their cans if they leave trash cans out.

          2. Alexandra Lynch*

            Joseph’s Coat roses. Very pretty vigorous climbing roses that start with a golden bud and end with petals dropping deep red, and all the shades between as the flower matures. Also the thorniest m-f’ing roses I have ever encountered. The big thorns have medium thorns between them and the medium thorns have little thorns between them.

          3. The pest, Ramona*

            Motion sensitive water sprinkler. I bought one to keep the cats from using my flower bed as a litter box. It really worked, so I would imagine it works for kids and dogs (unless it’s a hot summer and it becomes a game for the kids).

        4. Potatoes gonna potate*

          So this obnoxious jerk thinks its YOUR job to watch THEIR kids?

          Sorry I am just getting so angry on your behalf.

          1. Green Mug*

            I appreciate your empathy. My blood boils when I think about it but I don’t want to live with constant aggravation. Getting support from this post actually makes me feel better. We fenced our entire back yard last year. This year I already added a row of bushes. After reading the comments, I think I’m going to extend the bushes all the way along the entire side of the driveway to the street. Blocking them out is the only way.

            1. tangerineRose*

              I think you’re right. That and getting your husband to do the talking to the neighbor husband (which is ridiculous that you need to do, but clearly that’s the safest way).

              Your neighbors sound seriously messed up. Hope their kids don’t turn out to be felons with this kind of upbringing.

            2. Potatoes gonna potate*

              I know, I hate the idea that I have to spend money to protect myself but that’s really the most realistic way. I would really try to find out if there’s anyone to call. Not necessarily police but a non-emergency number because I would be really worried if those kids & dogs end up hurt on your property, this could be disastrous for you.

              Good luck and let us know how it goes!

            3. bring on the silver*

              Yes, it does sounds like you are going to have to prevent all access and increase the bushes or fence. I’m glad you already have most of the fencing done. I hope that does the trick and stops them – and all the aggravation and stress.

        5. Mx*

          Regardless of the situation with your lawn, you should contact CPS for the sake of the kids because it seems they are neglected.
          Some people may feel mean about involving CPS, but it will benefit the kids if the parents don’t take care of them.

        6. allathian*

          Anonymously call CPS on your neighbor. Sounds like their kids would be better off in the welfare system than with parents who neglect them.
          Not really, but a fence sounds like a great idea. Put as high a fence as your zoning regulations permit and you can afford.
          I get it that you’re liable for injuries in your yard if the injured people are your guests, but I just don’t understand how that could possibly apply to trespassers.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I’m so sorry. It’s scary when the scary guys live next door. I have a lot of sympathy for you. In your shoes, I too would keep as far away from that neighbour as possible. With more reasonable neighbours, you could speak directly with the kids, but I guess the neighbours would get angry again if you did that.

      Do the neighbours only treat you this way, or the other neighbours too? If there is a neighbour association, or if you could go together with other neighbours maybe it would be more effective. You could also look into the laws and law enforcement in your area. Where I live, it’s not legal to let your dog loose in the neighbourhood, and you can report the irresponsible dog owners to the authorities. They will send someone out to speak with the owner, and if there are many repeated complaints, the owners can be fined or no longer be allowed to keep dogs. Of course, if they only harass you, it might be safer for you to not report it, since the angry neighbours will know it was you who complained and maybe retaliate. Sorry I don’t have any better advice!

      1. Green Mug*

        They are the kind of neighbors who send their kids uninvited to people with pools. Did I mention the youngest can’t swim?
        Dogs are not allowed to run off-leash. I have considered photographing their dog and calling the police. Calling the police escalates though. I’m unsure about that course of action.

        1. tangerineRose*

          “send their kids uninvited to people with pools. Did I mention the youngest can’t swim?” This is horrifying. I’m sorry you have neighbors like that.

        2. Koala dreams*

          Wow, that’s really scary. Poor kid! Yeah, you need to do what’s safe for you. Take care!

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Good fences make good neighbors.

      I also have a problematic neighbor, though honestly mine is 10x worse in some ways and much less worse in others from yours. Get a fence. A real one. Pretty white picket fence, etc. The prickly plants along the fence are also a good idea. And when damage is done, start sending a bill over. Be polite, don’t cause the problem, but do stand up for yourself. You may want to consider cameras as well, but that’s a completely different level.

    9. Fences make good neighbors*

      How about two kinds of fences on that side of your property?
      A physical one, 4-5’ high should be enough to stop kids & dog. You could plant a hedge of some kind in your side of it.
      A human one: your husband can do all the talking. And he can do the clean up after the neighbors until they stop. Neighbor guy sounds like a mess, cordial is a big ask. Polite sounds like enough.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed.

        After my husband passed, I learned there were a couple men in my neighborhood whose hobby was to bully women who had few to no men in their lives.
        This guy sounds like one of those bullies, because he had a different tune when your husband spoke to him. I totally agree with delegating this one to your husband. You can be polite but you do not have to be ranted at in your own yard.

    10. Fikly*

      So he’s gaslighting you, and abusing you, and your husband thinks this is ok? Nothing you said sounds not cordial – it’s this guy who is not. Asking someone not to let their kids damage your property and their dog use your lawn as their toilet is not rude neighbor behavior.

      This is a guy who is very likely to escalate. It’s not a safe situation. And he (or at least the kids) are literally trespassing, which is presumably illegal.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, what kind of a husband is like “oh yeah, no problem – go ahead and yell at my wife! Feel free! I’ll just tell her to be nicer afterwards.”

        1. Green Mug*

          I probably didn’t properly explain that my husband was irate. He let the guy know that he should not speak to me. My husband’s position is that we have to live next to them. He wants us to be the bigger people. I just don’t have it in me right now.

          1. Fikly*

            There’s a difference between being the bigger person and letting someone get away with committing crimes against you.

          2. Anono-me*

            It might be helpful if you and your husband speak to your insurance agent or maybe even a lawyer specializing in real estate and liability issues. Because it sounds like your husband isn’t nearly as worried about this as you are.

            Also you may want to Google Yucca plants and bayberry shrubs.

    11. SpellingBee*

      I sympathize – that’s dreadful. If you’re thinking of thorny shrubs, I can highly recommend a rose variety called Darlow’s Enigma. It’s a bit hard to find, but totally worth it for barrier purposes. I guess you’d call it a climbing rose or maybe a rambler. It’s got long, thin, whippy canes that form an impenetrable mass; I’ve used it successfully to keep deer out of my yard. It blooms in clusters of small white flat blossoms, and smells a little spicy, like cloves. It’s hardy and extremely disease-resistant (no blackspot or powdery mildew ever) and was always full and lush. Blooms all summer. Best in full sun but does okay with some shade.

    12. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Saw a YouTube Video last night for a security company, I think it was Deep Security or similar. They monitor by camera and speak through a speaker to anyone who comes on your property. If they don’t leave, a truly appalling siren thing sounds with escalating demands to leave, police will be called etc. No kid would come back and it would also drive the parents crazy too. Could probably ask them to alert for any dogs that come in the yard too. No idea what it costs but there are probably similar options out there. It is a horrible noise.

        1. ONFM*

          That was my rec as well. Cameras are really cheap these days, and easy to install yourself. There are a number of complete systems you can buy, or go a la carte. Once your neighbors see the cameras, they may keep away on their own.

    13. KoiFeeder*

      You know what would go really nicely with those bushes you planted? A couple of black or red mulberry trees near their property.

      1. Nita*

        That’s too nice for them! Mulberries are a real treat, and if they’re not dangling over something nice one can just ignore the mess :)

    14. Nita*

      Being cordial to them?! I wonder if your husband is trying to say that the neighbors are insane and it’s best not to provoke them. That’s the only way his statement makes sense. Anyway, I hope you have the option of putting up a really nice tall fence to keep them out. There’s a reason they say that good fences make good neighbors.

    16. Batgirl*

      I used to live next door to him too! Uncontrolled kids, sending dog over to foul my garden, helpless shrugging wife, disrespectful to women. Check, check and check. For years I boxed him off as simply idiotic but my dad more correctly interpreted the warning signs: “He’s purposely sending the dog over; have nothing to do with them and keep four sets of eyes on him.”
      Talking did nothing, the only thing that helped was locks, gates, fences and plenty of planted holly.
      I wish I’d installed cameras too as I completely underestimated this family and forgot to worry about them once I’d eliminated the dog and child forays of the early years. Some other stuff that happened a few years on: The dad gatecrashed an all female party at my house by walking in like he owned the place and wouldn’t leave. He visited my property when I’d left a relative working there, claiming he was returning something, but some of my property actually went missing. Shortly after, his wife kicked him out claiming he was abusive; fresh start seemed to be on the cards, but… nope.
      His eldest son started using my address when stopped for fare dodging by the transport police (I nearly had bailiffs round over the fines) and though I can’t prove it I think the same kid vandalised my car and broke into my home. My dad had the rights of it all along. Don’t expect conflict to achieve any shame or resolution; you’ll only reveal your hand. Just play a hard defence, have more security than you seem to have and expect the unexpected.

  22. Evening Star*

    Hi everyone, I’m a long time reader, first time poster. I have a big dilemma that I’m trying to untangle, and there is a time pressure involved — and lots of anxiety included too. I’ll try to stay to a point, but there’s lots of details so if will be long, but I’d really like to hear your thoughts.

    I moved to a new country (I’m from Europe, the country is also in Europe) just when the lockdown started, for a job. The new job is great, so far I’ve only known my coworkers over Zoom, but it’s a big step up and I feel respected and overall, it’s healing some past wounds from Terrible Jobs.

    I’m now staying in a place that kinda saved my ass. I had a place lined up that fell through because of covid, so I’m staying at a friend of a friend’s place. It’s big, I have a lot of space for myself, I have an office, friendly cats, lovely neighbour that we bonded with over the course of the quarantine.

    The downside is that I would have to likely move out around July (this is a southern country and under usual circumstances, real estate agencies do not operate in August). The landlords are stuck in their home country and aiming to be back around September, when the borders have opened. Another downside is that my flatmates are … kinda just there, both very introverted and especially the vegan one makes a huge deal around everything kitchen (timing, super-cleaning of everything, no meat present, no meat on shared stuff) that given me already being anxious around all covid as we all are, I almost stopped using the kitchen (this is probably very minor but for me it escalated when I put some dishes next to the sink because — another issue noise — I didn’t want to wash it and make noise in the middle of the night and I got such an escalated message in the morning over how this pile of (dry, not smelly) dishes totally out of her way made her whole day terrible), and this whole situation pushed me to start searching for my own place.

    Now, my company pays an agent to help me find accommodation of my own. We went on three meh visits and the fourth place was so random and nice and empty and ticked off a large amount of boxes (I have a LOT): gas stove, shared terrace, elevator, good location, close to the beach, close to downtown, good connection to work, lovely street, food market nearby… that I immediately said yes, and got accepted and sent the deposit the very next day. This was Thursday and yesterday evening I went into a full panic mode over “what the hell have I done”.

    It feels very hard to untangle if I’m more anxious about 1. moving out (here despite the flatmate it’s very comfy, furnished, CATS, my friend upstairs), 2. moving in (it’s a small house with 4 flats, one on each floor and I’m going crazy paranoid haywire that my neighbours might not be nice, that I don’t know anyone in the area — it’s 15 minutes walk from where I am now), 3. moving into this particular place (furnishing from scratch, is there enough security, how will nights alone feel there, did I move too fast, could I have gotten something better) and 4. the general insecurity of everything and also money (do I pay 4k deposits and agency fee and spend at least another 2 on furnishing).

    Part of me is excited and happy about a real new beginning, and part of me is anxious for all the reasons above + being single and not really having friends here just yet to ask for help.

    I feel like my ratio has pretty much made the decision based on external features (it’s definitely not the only place of that quality even though they are not so easy to find) while ignoring how much I’m freaking inside.

    Last point is: I put down the deposit, but haven’t signed the contract yet. I have a good relationship with my new boss and the company and I feel like if I would want to back out, I’d have their support. The problem is it would be a temporary solution (as I still need to find something), and I still fear being marked as troublemaker, or at least someone who is really indecisive and changes opinions like crazy.

    Thanks to anyone who has read so far, I’m really curious about your opinions. Love from lovely Spain ;)

    1. Evening Star*

      And a side note (as if I haven’t written enough, haha) is that since I’m new here, decisions like city parts still feel fairly uninformed. So as much as I feel that I lucked out regarding the location, it’s still not a decision as informed as I’d like.

    2. mreasy*

      This place sounds wonderful and your current roommate sounds like a nightmare. It is very anxiety-inducing to make a big change like this, but you won’t be far from your friend and your old place, and you’ll have a great spot of your own!

    3. Jdc*

      I think this decision would’ve come with some anxiety no matter how many places you looked at. You can really never know a place will be perfect or your neighbors will be great no matter how much research you do. It’s one of life’s gambles.
      The place sounds lovely and you can slowly build the furnishing. Buy what you must have to begin, slowly find other things you like as time goes. I hate to say take advantage but with businesses struggling, once they open, you are likely to find some good pricing or deals on furnishings.

      Your roommate sucks. If their day is ruined over two dishes they have their own problems. I’d be tempted to roll my eyes and walk on by not listening.

      1. Evening Star*

        Yeah, I am ALMOST looking at it that way — convincing myself about exactly this. I can take things slow, set up internet + home office + sleeping area, and take the advantage of the home office regarding looking for nice second hand stuff + being able to pick up the deliveries. (And enjoy the massive kitchen just for myself.)

        Another factor is that one of the local cats is a traumatised cat that finally after 2 months started trusting me and sleeping in my bed and I feel really terrible about leaving. Flatmate has her on cat but keeps the door closed all the time — the cats mingle sometimes but only rarely.

        Uh, I hate being so torn, because usually it signals I should be waiting for more information, but it’s really hard to give up the place!

        1. Jdc*

          Think of all the fun parts. The big kitchen. The new furniture. The peace and quiet. Embrace as much of the new fun changes coming your way. Having your home exactly how YOU want it and not having to make decisions with someone else in mind is in its own right a very nice thing.

    4. Choggy*

      It sounds like you will have anxiety either way, though one is ongoing (where you are now with annoying roommate(s) and needing to find another place hanging over your head), and the other will probably only be that way initially until you are settled in (it sounds really amazing!). It will be nice to have your own space, furnished the way you want, and heck, why not get your own cat to boot?

      1. Evening Star*

        My cats are waiting in another European city for the flights to start so they can come here. So yeah, another factor is that cats are allowed in the new place and the balconies look very cat-optimised. (But part of me is thinking about going to the shelter that is conveniently placed 100 m from the new place and … looking around, no strings attached. I’m sure my cats would love a third :D

    5. Katefish*

      My hunch is that buyer’s remorse is natural even when you’ve made a good decision. I’m angsty in transitions also so I get it. If you’re really uncomfortable that’s worth questioning more though.

      1. Evening Star*

        Heh, I didn’t look at it that way. Last time I was house hunting, it took ages and I was taking the place over from a friend, so it was immediately clear that if they have had a good life there, so can I. Thank you. <3

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I always have buyer’s remorse over stuff like this, and it almost always goes away. The place you found sounds great, and the annoying roommate alone would be making me want to move out ASAP! Even if you don’t like your new neighbours at least you won’t have to live with them, right?

      2. Paulina*

        I also get super-anxious at big transitions, especially in the waiting times when I’ve made the commitment but haven’t reached the time it takes effect and I start doing the new thing. I find once I can actually start doing instead of waiting, the anxiety all goes away and it turns out yes I can do the thing, yes I actually did make a good decision even if it seemed quick, and so on.

        The new place sounds great, and it also sounds like you have to leave your current residence soon anyway. Maybe working on the details might help put some fears to rest and/or move you into a more “doing” phase? That tends to help me.

    6. Twinkle toes*

      What the others said. And can you talk to the agent and ask if it is possible to have one more afternoon of looking to make sure you made the right decision before you sign the contract?

      15 min walk to visit your friend there does not sound too far?

      And even if you researched the people in the other flats in the new location (but I have no idea how you do that and have never done that myself) and you loved them, they could move any time. Trying to offer evidence that there is no “perfect” here.

      1. Evening Star*

        That’s a really good idea, and I’ll ask on Monday. They said I can come in and measure stuff if I’m approved, so I can play that part and come see. And maybe knock on neighbours’ doors :)

        There is no perfect, it’s more me trying to make sure I’m not doing something largely stupid and rushed just because of differences in a kitchen…

        1. Anono-me*

          I don’t know if I would be knocking on people’s doors right now. You have to look at the city you’re in, but under the current circumstances some people might find it disquieting.

    7. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Your new place sounds lovely! It’ll be weird at first, because a new place always is. But you’ll have your own kitchen, and will be able to leave the dishes as long as you want and prep meat in ever dish in the place if you so desire. I’ve just outfitted my own first apartment, and it was more stuff than I expected, but also a lot of fun. I got some great steals on thrift store and Craigslist furniture! Does your new place allow pets?

      I think sometimes we need ALL the data, at least I do, to make a decision, so we can pick out the very best solution possible. It can take me forever to choose a meal at a restaurant. But this is a flaw, really, both because there isn’t actually a perfect solution, and because a lot of the possible solutions are quite nice actually. So I’ve been practicing making quicker and less overthought decisions, and it’s been totally fine. My last computer I spent a couple weeks learning about memory and processors, comparing specs and looking at prices. This current computer I walked into a store with my brother (who knows about computers) and walked out with a new laptop. And the one thing that bugs me about it is something that I would not have thought to look for if I had all the time in the world.

      What I’m trying to say, I guess, is that your new place won’t be perfect, but it will very probably be a nice place to live. And that sometimes you have to just go with a decision instead of 2nd guessing yourself, because all decisions are leaps into the unknown, so you might as well just pick something.

      Best of luck! My place is in a house with four flats as well, and the neighbors have been perfectly fine.

    8. MistOrMister*

      When I bought my house I thought, ok this is perfect. But before I signed the papers I saw a listing for a other one that looked perfect. So I went to see it (against the advice from my realtor). It turned out to have a bunch of problems. My point being, if you found something you liked, go for it. There will always be another potential perfect place out there and a lot of them will be duds. And since you’re renting, if you decide you’re not in love with the place you’ve put the deposit on, you know you only have until the lease ends and you can find something else. But it sounds like a great place and that you might just be having some, understandable jitters.

      Re the friend in your current building, as long as you are both able-bodied, being 15 minutes apart is nothing! That’s less than a 10 minute walk for both of you to meet somewhere in the middle. And you might enjoy going to see them as an excuse to get out when you’re feeling cooped up.

      As far as costs for furnishings, you can find so much stuff for cheap. Almost every piece of furniture I own is second hand – either from places like goodwill or stuff family was getting rid of. You realy do not have to break the bank to furnish a place. And there is no shame in doing it piecemeal. I had a lot of empty spaces for a long time, and that was ok! My dad likes to tell me how in his first place he had crates for living room chairs and I think a piece of plywood on crates or blocks for a living room table, as he saved up to buy items. One thing you don’t want to do is buy a bunch of cheap stuff that will just fall apart and need to be replaced because then you’re just throwing your money away.

      Good luck!!

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, take a deep breath and move out. You will figure stuff out and be fine.

    10. Koala dreams*

      Congratulations for your new place! Moving is super stressful. Make sure to have a light source, toilet paper, a water bottle and other life necessities at hand when moving. Did you put in your notice for your old room yet? If you delay too much, you might need to pay double rent for a couple of months, which is super annoying.

      The furniture you can buy slowly, no need to buy everything at once. Are there any options for second hand open in Spain? In my European country, you can still buy second hand things online and from a few stores that stay open. Easy to clean stuff like pots, cutlery, hard chairs are good to buy second hand. Bedding and stuff I would buy new.

      Good luck! It’s scary now, but before you know it the new place will feel like home.

    11. WellRed*

      I’m amused and confused that you moved countries but are now anxious about moving neighborhoods. It’ll be fine! That roommate alone would have me screaming for the hills.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Am chuckling, sometimes a person can only take so much and then they are at max capacity.

        You have four things on your list. The first two, moving out of one place and into another is something that is short, has a quick turn around time and then it will be over. That means very shortly you will be down to two major concerns.

        As far as staying there alone, I’d suggest putting a radio on with soft, classical music. You want something soothing and something that will also be a little white noise so you don’t jump at every “house sound” you hear.
        Think about ways your friend might be able to help you. Perhaps you’d like to chat by phone after dinner or maybe chat by phone before breakfast.
        You might want to try some tea- chamomile or sleep time tea.
        One good thing is that moving stuff may tire you out enough so you can sleep okay.

        FWIW, I think you made a good call on moving out. It’s not good that someone is in meltdown over a couple of dirty dishes. The right response is to leave. That person needs to sort through some things on their own.

        1. Evening Star*

          Extra special thanks — I’ve lived alone before, but … freakout. Radio + netflix + trying to get to know my neighbours. Spain has been pretty welcoming so far, so I’m praying for the best :)

      2. Evening Star*

        Everyone in this thread, I hope you get to read my response! Thanks, lots of that makes me feel normal and more at ease. I think the thing I’m dealing with is that I got comfy here in the quarantine and next to the roommate, it’s really lovely and I do find it hard to leave. (Plus I have a church and church bells right outside and it has been a great comfort in these times.)

        Second — all the advice on furniture buying is noted down :) I have already thought about it — it means overcoming some language barrier but generally, I think I can do that (and opting in for an ikea delivery is always an option for the necessary stuff).

        WellRed — haha, that made me laugh. Yes, it felt easier to move countries! I had a lot of time to think about that and decide :)

        Finally, I think that I recognise some of the fears from the first time I moved countries. It’s this floating in the air, distance from my loved ones, both in my Original City and my Home For Last Five Years are so far away. I came here embracing the change in my life, but the tension the whole world is experiencing had me cramping with unforeseen anxiety.

        Unless my next two days soul-searching uncovers something really blocking, I think I’m gonna move on and move — and I’ll make sure to mention it next weekend here. Thanks for all the kind words, advice and virtual love, sending the same to you!

        PS I talked to my landlord and given the circumstances, we’re talking about me taking the cats with me before they come back! So I can have company and the female cat who finally warmed up to me (she’s of a traumatised sort) would have me on home office all the time for herself. So, not bad at all!

    12. Call me St. Vincent*

      We are the same person. I feel like you describe ANYTIME I make a big decision or purchase. I think you just have to remember why you made the decision in the first place and recognize that anxiety over these things is normal. Trust your gut! You made a decision you wanted to make and you had good reasons that are still good :)

    13. MissDisplaced*

      Well you never know, but honestly your flat mate sounds like a real overbearing pain in the ass.
      It’s nice to have your OWN place, even if a bit lonely. Can you get a kitty? Maybe a neighbor will have a kitty.
      I know it’s just coming out of lockdowns, so you can get out completely yet, but you’ll do fine.

    14. Ronda*

      i also recently move and arrived in my new location for covid restrictions.

      I chose the one that looked best on the day I looked, cause I wanted to get it done quickly. It is a year lease, and if I dont end up liking the location, I will plan to move at the end of the lease. ( I had done some online research on apartments before coming out and had a few I wanted to look at)

      It sounds like you have to move sometime soon and it is not a life long commitment …… you can change it later if it doesnt work well for you.

  23. River Song*

    Is there anyone who is on them spectrum or suffers from sensory processing disorders that can give me some tips on what has helped them cope? I suspect my four year old is possibly on the spectrum, although not enough that I am positive that he will get a diagnosis. He definitely has problems with sensory stuff, mostly noises. He functions in his normal day to day life just fine, but I am worried about how he will cope when school starts. I’m afraid school bells and even other kids talking too loudly will overwhelm him. My biggest fear is that I can see a fire alarm going off, and him hiding under a table with his hands on his ears and crying instead of lining up.
    I’m trying to walk that line between helping him learn to cope, but also wanting to end his distress as soon as possible. He is wonderful and I don’t want to change who he is, I just don’t want his life to be harder unnecessarily.

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      My daughter grew out of most of her noise aversion. And sometimes kids have problems with things at home that they’re able to manage fine at school. Or his reaction will be different at school. Sensory difficulties are much more recognized and understood now. Most schools have special needs staff and resources to help kids and their parents. Be sure to ask about this during kindergarten screening and ask specific questions during the school year. Parents also have many opportunities to be involved and in the classroom during the younger grades so if you’re able, you can observe how he manages and how they help him.

      There are many great books on sensory integration. And you can google things like “heavy work” and “sensory diet” for ideas of things you can do at home.

      1. River Song*

        Thank you! We’ve had been debating before whether to make him appointment to see about a diagnosis or wait and see if he has problems in his pre-K classroom first. Then covid happened. I, personally, think he probably falls somewhere on the spectrum, but things are mild enough that I worry that he wouldnt get that diagnosis, and without a diagnosis there will be no accommodations.
        I will definitely be looking for books when the library opens back up!

        1. School Psych*

          Could you contact your school district about preschool screenings? The district I work for does screenings multiple times per year to find children in the 2-5 year age range who may have a disability and be eligible for our early childhood special-education program. They would be able to give you information and resources, even if they saw mild or no concerns on the screening. I wouldn’t hold off on at-least getting a screening and mentioning concerns about potential Autism to your school district or pediatrician. If your son is on the spectrum, early intervention can make a huge difference in getting both him and you connected to resources and support.

    2. Migrainemonster*

      I deal with sensory processing overload.

      At home it’s easy to manage, I turned my room in my house into a quiet spot. I use weighted blankets, aromatherapy diffusers, and I also moved the washer and dryer. It used to be against the wall downstairs and it would shake my bedroom wall when people used it which I found upsetting even though over people insisted that they couldn’t hear it that much upstairs. I also wear ear plugs when people watch TV downstairs sometimes and basically any time I feel like it’s not quiet enough. That’s really helped me.

      I’m in college now and at college it’s much harder to manage. In HS and the first two years of college I wore earplugs or headphones when doing homework or walking through the halls but now I’m used to my college enough that I know the quieter halls that I can walk through without them. I talked to the disability office and that helped a lot because I can take tests in their office if I need to. I actually have never done that but knowing that if I needed to take a test there or if I needed them to talk to my professors is helpful even if I don’t need them to if that makes sense.

      The hardest part for me has been I’m a commuter so when my schedule has large gaps in it, I didn’t know where to go so I ended up spending hours during the week under a dark staircase in my college. When I told one of my professors he told me that there is a lot of empty classrooms during the day and I could do my hw in one of those instead. So that was helpful.

      Your son is a lot younger than I am and I don’t remember what it was like when I was younger except I used to get overwhelmed and cry in school a lot because of the noise. I’m sorry that I don’t have more specific suggestions for his age range. I just wanted to let you know that he will be able to find ways to cope in the world with support as I have been able to. It’s hard sometimes but it does get better/managable. I would say the fact that you are aware of his needs and hopefully you could maybe talk to the school or him about what he needs when he starts school would be helpful. I didn’t figure out what was going on with me until HS so in elementary school and middle school everyone just thought I was weird/a bad student. I think it’s good that you want to help him but don’t want to change him. You sound like a wonderful parent and I’m glad he has you in his corner. Best of luck to you and your family.

      1. River Song*

        Thank you! I’m so glad you figured out ways to cope. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to not know what was going on during those early years

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Have you looked into doing your homework at the library? Most colleges have particular libraries that are known for being quiet (a law library for example) and often have glass rooms inside the library that students can reserve for quiet studying. Some of this isn’t applicable at the moment but for when things open up again…

        1. Migrainemonster*

          I know this is going to sound odd but my campus library has a lot of windows and is really bright inside so I kept getting distracted whenever people walked by or things happened. The empty classroom solution (or my professor’s office while he’s grading papers) seems to work best. But yes, the library in general would be a better solution than under a staircase if it wasn’t for all those windows.

    3. LGC*

      Hi! Adult on the spectrum here, lives with a bunch of adults on the spectrum, works with disabled individuals (including developmentally disabled individuals), has some mild sensory issues (think garden-variety misophonia).

      So, first of all – if you can get him assessed, do so. (For what it’s worth, I think that since he’s a boy he’s more likely to be diagnosed as having ASD, but that’s just my uneducated opinion.) If he needs to be in a special needs class to deal, that might be the first step there.

      Second, don’t worry about “ending his distress,” at least if it’s like a fire alarm or something. If he’s overstimulated…he’s overstimulated. Reassure him that he’s not in danger, but if he puts his hands over his ears gently guide him to what he needs to do. I’ve had to do this with one of my neighbors who has significant sensory issues (as in, she’s been on the point of meltdown in what I thought was a moderately loud bar, and had a meltdown when we had to call the fire department a while back because of the lights). But if he covers his ears, then I think that’s fine. (Some people might not. Those people are wrong.)

      It’s really specific to your son, though, and he’s…four. So just deal with things in an age-appropriate manner. Your goal shouldn’t be so much to get him to “calm down” as it is to get him to “do the thing.”

      1. River Song*

        That is a good perspective, thank you. It’s hard because my impulse is to make sure that nothing ever bothers him ever, but I know that isn’t good for him, and will make his life harder in the long run.

    4. Koala dreams*

      Schools know that kids find the fire alarm scary, that’s why they practise what to do.

      For noises in general I like ear plugs and headphones. Headphones with music distract from outside noises and ear plugs decrease the volume. I use foam ones, but there are silicon ones too. Not sure what’s useful for a four year old, though. When I went to school teachers had really weird ideas about things, I hope it’s better now. I recommend you to talk with the teachers about how they do at their school, and if it doesn’t work for your son, look into how to get accomodations.

    5. Princess Deviant*

      Coping when young, well I didn’t really!
      I’d recommend an official diagnosis because reasonable accommodations can be made by the school then, depending on your child’s needs.

      I like quiet space, and used to sit on my own in empty classrooms in sec school, but when very young the pull of wanting friends was stronger, and not knowing what was normal versus what was normal for me was extremely confusing, I can look back and see that now.

      Now I need my space to be a sanctuary, clean and quiet. I get up early to sit outside when it’s quiet before the rest of the world gets up and starts making noise. And I wear foam ear plugs a lot.

    6. Generic Name*

      Whether or not you pursue a diagnosis is up to you, but legally, schools don’t have to accommodate that stuff without a formal diagnosis. That said, good schools will work with you regardless, but a diagnosis offers a lot of legal protection. My son has auditory processing issues that have improved over the years. For things like fire drills, it will be important for the school to communicate when those will be in advance so he can anticipate the drill and cover his ears before they start. My son sometimes wore over the ear protectors (ear muffs) in class sometimes. He also like to wear hoodies with the hood up to dampen sounds, which has caused issues with dress code compliance in the past.

    7. Disco Janet*

      There’s actually a book we got for my son on the spectrum when he started school last year that has that exact scenario! (Hiding under a table with hands on ears during fire alarm) I don’t have it in front of me, but something about a zebra and autism…all my stripes, maybe?

      Talk to his teacher about this stuff before the school year starts. If he does get a diagnosis (I wasn’t sure we’d get one either – every time I try to describe it I get told the very annoying, “Oh, that just sounds like normal kid problems!”, but yes, he was diagnosed), it will be even easier because there will be an IEP meeting where you can set up a plan.

      A big thing that helps my son is social stories, where I find a book about the situation he is struggling with and it gives him concrete steps he can take to do what he needs to do. When he’s really struggling, we’ll keep one in his backpack so he or his teacher can get it out if it’s needed. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen often – usually just at drop off. We also have a pair of noise-cancelling earmuffs – the kind you might see kids wearing at concerts or a racetrack. You could get a pair and keep them in his backpack just in case.

      Virtual hugs – you never know what the future will hold! My kid went from being sensory avoidant to sensory seeking. Now he’s the one making loud noises and wanting to hear and touch everything (which comes with a very different set of struggles!)

      2. River Song*

        I would love to hear more about getting him diagnosed if you want to share. Because I hear a lot of those same things, the “this is normal kid stuff” It almost feels like people think I want the attention or something.
        We do actually have ear muffs that we bought during his siblings’ basketball season, because he could not cope with the buzzers and whistles at all. He spent all games in my lap, with my hands over his ears.

        1. Disco Janet*

          Sure! So, the number one thing that I do NOT recommend is describing what you’ve noticed and asking people online if it sounds like he’s on the spectrum. My son was around 3/4 when I started noticing things that made me suspect autism. He had a lot of sensory difficulties – could only stand shirts with a certain kind of tag, melted down at loud noises, stuff like that. The way he interacted with other kids seemed a little off in ways that I have trouble describing. He’s constantly in motion, flapping his hands, spinning in circles, etc.

          The internet said, “My kid does that stuff too! Sounds like a normal kid to me!” Heck, even my family said that. But I just had this gut feeling that something about him was different – something about his mannerisms that I don’t quite know how to put into words. I wish I’d sought a diagnosis sooner – it wasn’t until he was almost 5 that his daycare teacher pulled me aside and gently told me that she thought I should have him tested for autism. The diagnosis process was very in-depth – home visit, daycare visit, observing, playing with him, asking questions, etc. And at the end of it he was diagnosed – if the term Asperger syndrome was still around, that’s probably what it would be called, but that’s no longer a diagnosis – it’s just one more thing under the autism spectrum.

          Even now, my in-laws ignore his diagnosis. My family finally came around, and now when he displays those mannerisms I mentioned before, they’ll make eye contact with me and kind of nod to acknowledge that yes, they were wrong and they see what I mean. And he is still just a normal kid! But he’s a normal kid who has a harder time with certain aspects of life, and now I have professionals on hand to help me with tools and strategies to teach him to better cope with that stuff.

          Call up your local school district and formally request an evaluation – I don’t know how that is working with the pandemic (normally they must begin evaluating within 30 days), but at least you can get yourself on a waiting list of something.

          1. J.B.*

            Ugh why do relatives do that? It’s so dismissive! I got my kids diagnosed so we know how to treat the things that are hard for them! Kthanksbye

            1. Alexandra Lynch*

              Sometimes because we’re ALL a little spectrum and so stimming and social avoidance and monologuing is just… how we all are.
              When one of my sons got diagnosed on the spectrum, we suddenly looked at me, and at his grandfather, and my grandfather, and went OHHHHH!!!! in sudden understanding.

    8. Anon for this*

      You need to get a diagnosis so that the school can provide services and accomodations. Once you have that you shojld arrange a meeting with the school to see what is a ailable. Whe my son was getting ready for kindergarden they sent a specialist to his day care center to observe his interactions with his peers. he did a visit to the school on a school day to show him what it was like. And they made sure his teachers met him before the first day of school. (He also went to a different school for some testing to see what kinds of learning suited or wou,d be difficult for him. But no e of this is possible without a diagnosis. The psychologist who gave us ours said that it was really too early to give a firm diagnosis (son was 3) but without one you won’t qualify for services. The school system confirmed this.

      1. Anon for this*

        Re: how to get a diagnosis, ask your pediatritian for a referral. Mine sent me to the local children’s hospital, and there was a waiting list. But it made a lot of difference in being able to get the help he needs.
        Sorry for all the typos – tablet trouble!

    9. Mimmy*

      I’m not diagnosed as being on the spectrum but have suspected that I may be. I have a different, rare condition that I think has been known to include autism-like features. So, I too have issues with sensory overload, though never formally tested for sensory problems (I do have vision and hearing impairments). My main aversion is with noise but also a little bit with motion (darn seat kickers! lol) and certain fabrics.

      It looks like you’ve gotten a lot of wonderful advice already so I can’t really add anything. I do think your son will be equipped with better coping methods than I was. I was in elementary school during the 80s, so awareness of these things were nonexistent.

      I wish you all the best!

    10. Firefly*

      At the elementary school I work with, we have many kiddos especially when younger who use noise-cancelling headphones, the kind you’d put on a baby at a concert. They can use them when they feel overwhelmed, during fire drills, or during assemblies. For kiddos with diagnosed sensory processing issues, we recommend the family works with an occupational therapist to figure out strategies that work. Most parents then choose to share the OT report with the school so we can all be on the same page to help the child. For me, I’m not on the spectrum, but I crave deep pressure, and I often use a lap weight when I’m working at my desk. I’m who weighted blankets are marketed at!

    11. KoiFeeder*

      Earplugs, or earbuds. Your kid might want to have music, I usually prefer not to have music, but being able to turn the volume down on the world is so helpful even now that I’m an adult.

  24. Migrainemonster*

    Tips for getting rid of and or preventing migraines?

    I’ve been getting horrible ones for the last five nights.

    1. nep*

      You poor thing. My heart goes out to you.
      I know it might sound like I’m trivialising it, but I do want to say that peppermint oil on the temples and forehead–while it does not eradicate the pain–can take the edge off. (For some reason for me, castor oil on the temples sometimes helps.)
      I find that when I stop fighting the pain and being stressed about it, it slightly loses its punch.
      Other thing that comes to mind is checking to be sure you’re getting all essential nutrients.
      Have you had migraines for a long time? Do you know the cause? Stress-induced?
      Wishing you relief.

      1. Migrainemonster*

        I think it’s stressed induced. I thought it was new but when I brought it up to my roommate, they mentioned that I’ve had them for four years. But then I started acupuncture and they got much better but of course that has been closed for over two months now. I will try peppermint oil. Just need to get some! Thank you very much. I think my diet is okay, I’ve been eating healthier now that I’m home all the time and cooking.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Can you call your acupuncturist? Not for an appointment, but they may have ideas. They may do telehealth for this very thing.

    2. Lena Clare*

      – Deep, regular breathing. (Swimming is great for this, but the pools are closed rn).
      – Lie down in a dark room, blindfold on if poss. Sometimes I even tie a pair of tights around my head for the pressure comfort.
      – if you can take NSAIDS, 2 x ibuprofen with 2 x paracetamol at the first sign might help get rid.
      – caffeine: try it or try giving it up. For me, caffeine makes me ill in general so I don’t drink it now.
      – avoid orange juice and dark chocolate.
      – alleviate stress.
      – rub a bit of lavender essential oil diluted in almond oil on your temples and forehead.
      Hope some of this helps.

      2. Migrainemonster*

        Yes! I gave up caffeine and alcohol a while back because I thought it was giving me anxiety or making me a little shakey. I have been laying in dark rooms. I will try the lavender oil with almond oil. I will buy some today when I get some peppermint oil. (I already don’t eat orange juice or dark chocolate but I’m curious, how would oj lead to a headache – is it the sugar?)

        Thank you for the suggestions!

        1. codex*

          I sympathize! My family are all prone to migraines. Have you tried ice? (That is, ice plus medication, darkness, silence, caffeine/no caffeine, etc… Not suggesting ice by itself resolves a migraine!)

          Freezer bags, gel packs, insta-freeze packs, frozen peas/corn, etc… are all good for the forehead and eye area. I keep frozen water bottles to rest my head/neck on for more pressure.

          It took me years to try it because it felt like my brain was being tortured enough, so when I finally did it was a revelation. Anyway! Hope it helps!

        2. StrikingFalcon*

          Certain foods can trigger migraines. It’s different for different people, but chocolate and red wine are really common triggers. Oranges can trigger them also – really, any food theoretically can. If drinking orange juice doesn’t cause one for you, though, there’s no reason to avoid it.

          You should start keeping a migraine journal. Track what you eat, how you sleep, when the migraine starts, how long it lasts, how severe it is. Track stress levels too if you think that’s related. You want to see if there are any patterns.

          Managing migraines involves a couple things: finding and eliminating triggers, stopping a migraine when it starts, and preventative treatments.

          Here’s some common triggers to look out for: specific foods, sleep patterns (not enough sleep, sleeping in, too much variation in what time you go to sleep), fasting (not eating for a period of time), certain scents (can help or hurt), caffeine or caffeine withdrawal (caffeine helps a lot of people but triggers migraines for others), alcohol (certain alcohols or all of them), stress, and muscle tightness (look up specific neck stretches for migraines).

          Treating migraines when they happen: Excedrin is the best over the counter option for migraines in the US. Prescription medications include triptans (you may have to try more than one to find one that works), and a new medication called Ubrelvy. Generally, the earlier you take something after symptom onset, the more effective it is.

          Preventatives: If you have at least 4 migraines a month, it may be worth talking to a doctor about a preventative medication. There are lots of options.

          1. StrikingFalcon*

            I should note that Excedrin has caffeine in it, so if you are avoiding caffeine that may not be a good option. Tylenol and NSAIDs (e.g. Advil) can also help. But really, if you get more than the occasional migraine, you should consider getting a prescription for a triptan.

          2. Lena Clare*

            Yes, I should say OP that orange juice and dark chocolate are triggers for me, albeit they’re quite common triggers for lots of people I think.
            StrikingFalcon I’d right – find out what triggers yours!

            Striking – I didn’t know variations in sleep patterns can cause migraine, I am definitely looking into this because when I’m going into work my sleep pattern is up the wall.
            Lately, WFH means I can sleep my preferred hours, which are 12-8am.
            Thanks!

            1. StrikingFalcon*

              You’re welcome! It’s a major trigger for me. My brain is happiest if I sleep exactly the same hours every day. Of course, then it refuses to fall asleep when I go to bed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    3. TechWorker*

      I get stress migraines and eventually went to a doctor about it. I get migraine medication on prescription and it totally works for me. I guess I’m lucky because I don’t get side effects but it now means that when I get a migraine I can take the medicine and feel ok again in a 2-4 hours rather than losing a whole day and then sleeping badly. I found paracetamol didn’t touch it.

      1. TechWorker*

        Also I think it took me a while to go because mine have never been days long in bed throwing up (which I think some folks are sadly) but instead just bad headache/sometimes blurry vision/fatigue afterwards. But having the medication is worth it even if I only take it infrequently.

    4. Anon5775*

      A friend was told to take 3 Ibuprofen and 1 Benadryl when getting a migraine. Recently I have been having hives and therefore took lots of Benadryl over a period of weeks. I noticed I had much less headaches then. The Benadryl might help with inflammation but also with histamine which I just learned can be a cause of migraines.

    5. Belgian*

      My GP just prescribed me the lowest dose possible of blood pressure meds and they seem to be helping. I had been having ocular migraine attacks every 2-3 days for the past 4 weeks, and none since I’ve been taking the meds.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yes, I was going to suggest getting your blood pressure checked.

        They say hypertension is a silent killer, but a colleague of mine would get headaches with nausea when her blood pressure spiked. I asked, because the symptoms sounded like migraine, but she was monitoring her BP, and it was definitely that. Hypertension is easier to treat: more people have it, so more research money put into treatment, for one thing; also, nobody tries to tell you it’s all in your head.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I’ve had good luck using Excedrine Migraine, but other brands of pain relievers and other varieties of Excedrine use the very same ingredients and may cost less. (Excedrine Migraine contains equal parts Acetaminophen and Aspirin with a small amount of caffeine added.) Sometimes you just need to sleep for however long it takes.

      Have you been able to identify your triggers? I find that I really need to stay well-rested, well-fed and hydrated. No skipping meals. No staying up late to binge-watch or surf the web. Avoid caffeine and dark chocolate. Exercise helps the mitigate the effects of stress. I have many fewer headaches since I quit smoking. I also find that I’m more likely to get one on smoggy days. One trigger for me is, um, not being “regular.” I’ve added prunes to my diet, and on rare occasions I use a mild laxative.

      Sometimes a headache that starts for another reason can turn into a migraine. For example, a headache that starts as a sinus headache will evolve into a migraine. If that’s the case, you need to address the triggers for the underlying problem (the sinus headache).

      Sometimes they can be tied your hormonal levels and you may be more prone to having migraines at certain times of the month. You didn’t mention this, but if you see a correlation between the headaches and your normal cycles, it is something that you’d should discuss with a medical professional.

      1. Policy wonk*

        I second the Excedrin Migraine, though I think they had to pull it from the shelves recently because of production control problems – but the competitors are just as good. I also have a prescription for migraines – that knocks me out, so I only use it if the over-the-counter stuff doesn’t help. But it gets rid of the pain and other symptoms.

        1. Chaordic One*

          I hadn’t heard about this so I googled it. The last time I bought Excedrin was last fall and I’m still using the same bottle.

          Apparently there have been quality control issues and while I can’t find anything on the precise problem, one source says it has to do with how the ingredients are transferred and weighed. Another one says that broken or chipped tablets might have gotten mixed in with other tablets, potentially affecting the ingredients and dosage amounts.

          As far as I can tell, the product was never actually recalled so I would imagine that the issue was not too terribly serious. However production was stopped in January while they worked to remedy it. Production resumed in April and it is supposed to be showing up on store shelves again now.

          1. Policy wonk*

            Good to hear! Last time I needed it they only had the store brand, but it works just as well.

    7. Elizabeth Bennett*

      I get horrible migraines, too. My doctor prescribed magnesium glycinate 150-300 mg, vitamin E 400 mg, and Vitamin B2 100 mg at bedtime, daily as a preventative. It seems to be working. I also have a prescription med (that I hate taking, it makes me groggy), and find Gatorade really helpful in recovery after a migraine.

    8. tangerineRose*

      Do florescent lights seem to trigger them? If so, there are things that can help, like wide brimmed hats.

    9. CorgisAndCats*

      Migraines are the worst. I also get stress triggered migraines and one random thing that helps is a hot bath in the dark. I have no idea why it works for me but maybe it would help or work for you too? I hope you have a good nights rest tonight and don’t have to try any of the tips for a long while!

    10. blaise zamboni*

      I second the recommendation of ice, but you might also try a hot shower or a hot washcloth draped over your eyes and forehead (but not so hot to be uncomfortable, obviously!). I find the steam from a hot shower to be especially helpful.

      I hope this episode resolves very soon! Migraines are terrible, I can’t imagine having them for five straight nights.

    11. ELM*

      I use sumatriptan – if you can catch your migraine in the very early stages, it can skip the migraine part and put you into the post-migraine stage (which for me is almost as bad). You need to go to a doctor for it but can recommend. Good luck.

    12. My Brain Is Exploding*

      For some people, caffeine helps at the point when the migraine has already started. There are definitely trigger foods for some people – red wine, aged cheeses. Some people prefer cold compresses, others (like me) prefer hot compresses.

    13. Eeeek*

      I’ve only had success treating them not preventing. Highly recommend Cove for totally online migraine consult and meds if you’re interested in medication.

      1. Migrainemonster*

        Wow thanks to everyone for the advice, I really appreciate the support and advice!

        Responding to this comment because I looked up this site and it looks really interesting. Have you personally used it before?

        So I called my doctor last night when I was having a horrible migraine (since it had been nights in a row I didn’t feel that guilty using the emergency line) and she prescribed me something called Topamax (Topiramate) to help with the migraines. It’s a really low dose but she said that I should try it for now and see if it worked. Last night it didn’t seem to work because I think by that point my migraine was already so bad that it just wasn’t going to be super helped (I could be wrong perhaps there are medications out there that would have helped but I didn’t have them at the time). Eventually I fell asleep.

        My migraines seemed to be caused by clenching my jaw, stress, and nighttime. I’m not sure if “nighttime” per say is a stressor or if it’s more than by night I’m more stressed. My doctor wants me to see a neurologist but I’m supposed to get braces on Tuesday (lol adult braces make me laugh) but then I realized that maybe I need to put off the braces because the dentist said a few weeks ago that when you first get braces they could give you headaches. Obviously since I’m currently having migraines on and off, I don’t want to do that right this second. Plus I’m not sure if seeing a neurologist would mean they would want me to get an MRI or something which can you even get that w braces?

        So my plan was to call my dentist, doctor and hopefully get the referral for the neurologist on Monday… then I realized Monday is a holiday so Tuesday it is. I’m already having a headache tonight but it’s not a migraine yet.

        1. TechWorker*

          I’m not sure if this is reassuring or not but I had 3-4 months of bad jaw pain on waking up, got a mouth guard to sleep in (it’s often caused by grinding your teeth at night apparently) and then barely wore it because by the time it arrived the jaw pain just… disappeared again. I hope yours is similarly short lived!

        2. Katia*

          I started doing exercises for the jaw articulation and it helped lots. It’s also a bit relaxing if you do it slowly at night
          Hope it helps

        3. Mark V*

          Topomax is a preventive medication. It needs to be taken regularly. If it works, you will get less migraines over time. It won’t do anything for one in progress.

          1. StrikingFalcon*

            Yes this. And you must take it regularly – don’t start and stop it. It’s actually a medication that you shouldn’t stop taking without talking to your doctor as you have to taper off of it. It’s one of the most effective preventatives available, though there’s no guarantee any medication will work for any given person.

            1. MigraineMonster*

              The weird thing is my doctor prescribed it to take as needed but when I looked it up it said to take every day… but she didn’t even give me enough to take one every day for a month. I’m planning on calling her on Tuesday anyways so I’ll ask her for something else.

              1. StrikingFalcon*

                I have never heard of it being used that way, but I’m not a doctor. I was told when I was on it briefly not to stop it suddenly without talking to a doctor. I would recommend seeing neurologist, or better yet a headache specialist (subspecialty of neurology). Most GPs aren’t really that knowledgeable about migraines.

              2. PeteyKat*

                I take this medication 50 mg in the am and 50 mg in the pm every day as a preventive. It won’t work as an abortive. Please contact your doctor. You need to work up to your daily dose as there are side effects. Good luck in your treatments!

        4. Nita*

          Interesting… I developed migraines about a year ago that seemed connected to bad tooth alignment, and possibly jaw clenching. There were other factors too, but the migraines did seem to get worse when a tooth crown was “off” its normal position, and better after I got it repositioned properly. So I really hope the dental work helps you!

        5. StrikingFalcon*

          Braces actually helped my migraines – they reduced the stress on my jaw. I wear night guards now that I have mine off, and I found that a softer pillow also reduces teeth clenching and grinding. Finding a pillow that was the right height, so my neck is straight at night, also helps. Muscle tension is a major trigger for me, so my neurologist sent me to PT to learn stretches to reduce tension and to build muscles to improve my posture. It was one of the most effective things I tried. Since your migraines tend to come at night, I would look at things like your sleep patterns (the more regular your bedtime and wake time are the better), the position you sleep in, and foods you eat late at night.

    14. nep*

      P.S. Be conservative with the peppermint oil. In the first few seconds of having it on your forehead and temples you might not feel much…but give it a few minutes. Put too much and you might cause burning in your eyes or just too much intensity overall. A little goes a long way, so see how much you need to feel some relief (if in fact it brings you any relief).
      Best

    15. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I finally have up and went to a doctor for mine and was prescribed aleve (500 mg), compazine, and Benadryl at the onset with an injection of imitrex if the first three don’t work. I’m also on a cocktail of preventative meds as well.

      The best part of the preventive meds is the nerve block, though, where they inject lidocaine into the nerves in my head. It hurts in the short term but get a month of no migraines, so it’s worth it for me.

      I hope you find some relief. They’re miserable.

    16. Jim Bob*

      I’m on prescription preventives, but also take OTC supplements for prevention. WebMD has a good article on “ Vitamins and Supplements for Headache Treatment”; I take everything on that list except the feverfew and it seems to help.

      If this is a regular thing, you really need one of the triptan-or-similar acute prescriptions to take when you get one. If you’re trying to treat with just NSAIDs, and let your system get “hot” and overly sensitized, they can keep coming back over and over.

      1. Jim Bob*

        Almost forgot; the #1 thing to do is to figure out what your triggers are and avoid them. It can take some time and journaling effort, but once you know what to avoid it’s really a relief.

    17. misspiggy*

      For me it’s absolutely water. Chugging a lot as soon as I get suggestions of a migraine, and keeping out of bright light, is a great help. If I feel I can’t face a lot of water that’s a sign I have nausea without really realising it, so I take an anti-nausea pill and sip water for ages.

    18. Alexandra Lynch*

      It won’t get rid of them, but keep an eye on the weather. The only trigger I can’t control is the rapid drop in pressure ahead of a storm front. On the other hand, I can at least see it coming and plan for a couple hours in a quiet dark room.

    19. Qwerty*

      How has the weather been in your area? A lot of places in the midwest have had been having storms lately and so most of my migraine sensitive friends (and me) have been getting them from the high pressure buildup before the storm. If that is one of your trigger, then taking medicine like Excedrin when you start noticing the pressure can help prevent it from turning into a full blown migraine.

      Here’s what helps me:

      – Magnesium!!! There’s a correlation between magnesium levels and migraine severity. Topical applications seem to absorb it better than food/pills. You can find topical creams or take a bath with Epsom salt (aka magnesium sulfate). I highly recommend Dr Teal’s Body Lotion because it has Epsom salt in it. The insides of your thighs and arms are best places for absorbing topical products. When I’m using that lotion every night I’ve noticed a dramatic decrease in the severity of my migraines so that the majority are tolerable rather than debilitating. There’s multiple options, but I recommend the Eucalyptus and Spearmint one, because they use real oil (not just the scent) which each have other herbal properties and there’s a light tingly feeling to the mint that helps disrupt the pain.

      – Excedrin (generic works fine and there isn’t a difference in active ingredients between the regular and migraine versions, just in price). Take as soon as symptoms start.

      – Sumatriptan – This requires an Rx but it is the only thing I’ve had successfully stop a fully blown migraine in its tracks. I call it my magic pills. Sadly insurance usually only allows 9 pills a month so make sure to set up automatic refills even if it is a low-migraine month so you can save them for a really bad month.

      – Willow Balm – its basically an topical cream equivalent to aspirin, so don’t take this with an NSAID. Mine has menthol in it, because the cooling effect helps to temporarily disrupt the pain while you wait for the drugs to kick in, so relief comes faster

      — Humidifier / steamy shower – Not sure why this works, but it seems to help especially at night. I put some of Dr Teal’s Body Oil (Eucalyptus/Spearmint) in the diffuser section of my humidifier if a migraine is keeping me up at night and it makes me significantly more likely to fall asleep. Or use the oil liberally during a steamy shower to release the oils into the air.

      — Real herbal oils – Lavender gets recommended a lot, but you have to verify that whatever scented product you are using has the real oil and not just the scent. The special properties in most aromatherapy based stuff comes from the actual oil of the recommended plant, not the pleasing smell. I’m obviously partial to eucalyptus and spearmint, but that’s partly because it was difficult verifying whether lavender products actually had the scent.

      — Vitamin powder drinks (like Emergen-C, though some generic brands have better flavors) – I don’t know if it is from the magnesium or something else, but these often help me out.

      — Protein drinks (like Slimfast) – I lose my appetite during a migraine but not getting the proper nutrients can be a trigger so this helps shorten the duration of the original migraine

      — Yoga or self-massage – Pain causes us to tense up and recent studies are showing that the tension from a migraine can easily trigger another migraine.

      Ways to get blood vessels to constrict. Unlike a typical headache, migraines are often related to blood vessels expanding
      — Soft ice packs – They mold around your head so you can stick them right on the painful spot or on the base of your neck
      — Brain freeze – Migraines are the one time when brain freeze is enjoyable rather than painful. Slushies are my favorite method for this, but you can also use ice cream, ice water, etc. Get the icy stuff on the roof of your mouth, for the fastest response
      — Small amount of caffeine – There’s a reason it is in Excedrin
      — Afrin spray – Use very sparingly because these can cause rebound symptoms. I wait a couple days between a single use but have found it useful for those extra terrible migraines when nothing else is working

      **Note: Migraines slow down your body’s metabolism, which is one reason why they are hard to treat. That’s part of the reason I’ve recommended a lot of alternative style treatments like topicals and liquids because the benefits happen faster than waiting on a pill.

    20. allathian*

      I had migraines in my teens and early twenties. I sometimes get auras even now, but rarely a headache, but this weekend I ate more dark chocolate than usual and drank probably far too much caffeine, so I got a headache as well as mild nausea and an aura. Luckily I was able to just close my eyes and rest for a while in a darkened room, and it went away.
      I also get headaches if I don’t drink any caffeine at all, as can happen if I have a stomach bug.
      I have mildly elevated blood pressure, enough that I self-monitor and visit a nurse’s office a couple of times a year. I really hope that I won’t need meds for that any time soon, because with some of them you can’t take ibuprofen, and paracetamol doesn’t do anything for me. It makes me feel a bit fuzzy and makes the pain a bit more distant, maybe, but it doesn’t block it like ibuprofen does.
      I hope you can identify your triggers and avoid them.

  25. Foreign Octopus*

    I wanted to thank everyone who commented on my thing last week where I was looking for the name of something that happened to me – general consensus appears to be a flashback – following an unpleasant group conversation about sexual assault that was highly victim blaming. I’m sorry that I didn’t respond last weekend but I read your comments and found some resources that I hope will help me avoid a situation like that again. Whilst I’m hesitant to lay claim to any diagnosis without a doctor/therapist, just knowing that there’s a name for what happened is really helpful in coming to terms with it.

    This community is really wonderful and knowing that I can turn here with questions has helped me a lot in the past, so thank you again.

    1. Misty*

      I’m glad you’re finding resources. It gets better. Keeping you in my thoughts this upcoming week.

  26. Ponyboy*

    My gym is asking people to sign a petition to get our governor to re-open gyms. Our state is currently in Phase 1, even though numbers keep rising. The petition states that the gym can follow “CDC guidelines for disinfecting” and if restaurants and stores can re-open at reduced capacity, gyms should be able to do so. I understand the gym owners are extremely stressed because of loss of revenue. But I looked through the CDC guidelines and they don’t have anything specific for gyms, probably because they are so very high risk. I looked at the guidelines for Youth Sports- probably the closest fit- and I highly doubt the gym could meet them. It’s one of those boot camps where people rotate between exercise, so lots of shared equipment, touching, no social distance. And let’s not even get into the South Korea fitness super spreader event.

    But no one wants to hear from me, and I need to not argue with people on the Internet and just not sign the petition, right?

    1. fposte*

      Heh. Arguing on the internet with people has been one of my pandemic stress signs. So I get the impulse, but I agree with your conclusion.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I have realized that you just can’t reason with some people. I would just decline to sign the petition and if they question you just say you aren’t comfortable with signing it.

    3. Ranon*

      I completely agree with both your sentiment (everything that makes it incredibly difficult to wear a mask while exercising is exactly why masks to protect other people are pretty much the only hope gyms have of not turning into disease hubs and those sure don’t seem like compatible issues) and your conclusion that arguing with people on the internet about it would be futile.

    4. Anono-me*

      If you strongly disagree with someone else’s proposal of action for your government or another third-party to take; I think that it is more effective to share your feelings directly with the entity being asked to take the action.

    5. LGC*

      The low-stress option is not to argue. But I think that you can say something! It’s a relatively high-risk scenario, and even if they do take all precautions a tragedy can very well still happen there. (Okay, tragedies can happen anywhere, but gyms are definitely a high-risk scenario.

      But you’re not obligated to say something. Arguing with people on the Internet is not fun.

    6. Alice*

      You *could* respond by reminding them that even if they can pressure their governor into allowing them to reopen, that’s not going to bring back all their customers. If the customers don’t trust the infection control procedures (for circuit training!), or if the customers think the business owners don’t get how serious the situation is, they won’t be back soon.
      It’s in the business owner’s interest to try and get a sense of the conditions under which customers will return, but that doesn’t mean they are going to want to hear it.
      If you do respond, I’d probably do it in private.

    7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      You have your right to refuse, don’t be afraid to say you don’t agree. (Also, you don’t need to explain, but saying “because science” is valid for me)

      1. pancakes*

        No, but you can let people know their opinion isn’t respected by anyone with expertise, or that their opinion is only shared by a particularly disreputable fringe, etc. “Irrational” isn’t synonymous with “not worthy of discussion.”

        1. Fikly*

          Irrational people will not care about this. Because irrational people believe that everyone else who does not believe what they believe are sheep/fools, and they are smarter than everyone else.

        2. Anonymou5*

          The fact that the CDC has now said COVID-19 isn’t easily spreadable on surfaces proves your fear of it in a gym setting is irrational. You’re, apparently, not keeping up with current statements by the CDC.

          1. Bluebell*

            If people weren’t breathing in the gym, maybe your argument might be rational. But the last time I was in a gym, there was lots of exertion going on. Ponyboy, feel free to write to the governor’s office directly, if you want to.

          2. StrikingFalcon*

            It’s not just surfaces that are the problem though. Groups of people gathering in indoor spaces are at much higher risk of spreading than doing the same thing outside. Sustained contact (an hour long class) is higher risk than short interactions. Activities that involve breathing heavily (high intensity aerobic classes, singing) are higher risk than those that don’t. And it’s not that surfaces *can’t* spread the virus, it’s just they aren’t the main way it spreads. Gyms really shouldn’t be open if cases are rising.

          3. kz*

            That report is exactly why gyms ARE so dangerous. Breathing in the same air as other people for an extended period of time is how the most spread occurs. In gyms, you are exerting yourself, which means you are expelling even more micro droplets and expelling them further than in an average situation.

          4. Fikly*

            Well, thankfully you can only get covid if you lick a hard surface.

            Oh wait, you catch it by breathing it in when other people breath it out. What is it people do a lot of in a gym again?

    9. Not A Manager*

      I haven’t lost all faith in all people to be swayed by facts and reason. Sure, a core number of people on either side will have their unshakable beliefs, but I think you can push back on the internet dialogue if you want to.

      I’d start with the “CDC guidelines” statement. I’d ask them which gym-reopening guidelines they’re referring to, can they quote them, how would they specifically meet them, etc. And I’d ask a few specific questions about things like requiring masks or cleaning shared equipment between users. I’d also ask about dealing with aerosolized droplets, especially if people are breathing hard, grunting, panting etc. and maybe pulling their masks down.

    10. Call me St. Vincent*

      Sort of related, but did you see the article about the Zumba workshop in South Korea where over 100 people were infected? The Zumba teachers had Covid and spread it to all the students, yet when some of the same teachers taught yoga classes, the yoga students didn’t get infected. Interesting what kind of activity is more likely to spread the virus. Was it the huffing and puffing of being in a cardio class or were people singing and spreading? Yoga you also tend to be farther away from others. Sorry for the tangent!

      2. LGC*

        It’s actually interesting, because I also heard about the Zumba class in South Korea! It seems like it’s a mixture of both – higher-intensity gym routines seem to be higher-risk, and if they were teaching low-intensity yoga classes, it’d be less risky.

        (On the flip side, I can speak from experience – doing strenuous exercise in and of itself can depress your immune system temporarily. So a Zumba class might lower your immune function for a little while afterwards – probably a couple of hours at most.)

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          Somewhere today someone posted a link explaining several circumstances in which people were infected and the amounts of virus particles involved. The upshot for this discussion is that things that result in forceful breathing and enclosed spaces are particularly good at resulting in infections. The examples that struck me most were the choir (singing equals forceful breathing) and the restaurant where people who were downwind of the ventilation system blowing over an infected person were also infected, even though they were not actually close to the person. Working out in a gym seems like the worst combination.

    11. Koala dreams*

      Maybe you can mail a post card to the gym asking them to not re-open? Or you could just decide to not go there in the future. Sometimes you want to speak up just for peace of mind. Sometimes it’s better to just let it go. I don’t know. Sometimes there isn’t a perfect answer.

    12. Jim Bob*

      What was that quote? Something along the lines of: “it’s hard to make a man understand a thing, when his livelihood depends on his not understanding that thing.”

      Not that these are bad people; when you’ve worked for years to build a business that’s going under for something entirely outside your control, I think all of us would be guilty of the same wishful thinking. Especially when it does look from the outside like state governments are choosing winners and losers, with the winners frequently being large corporations with lobbyists.

    13. Jack Russell Terrier*

      The best way to get your message across is to call the governor’s office and tell the staffer about this and how you as a gym member don’t agree. If the people with the power to make the change hear from people who use gyms that they do not agree with the pressure the gym is bringing to bear it’s that’s most likely have any effect on how this plays out. Not sure it will have any effect, but I would think it’s the best way for you to use your energy with this.

  27. Colour matching nightmares*

    Home renovation rant coming up… I am well aware lots of folks have more important problems rn but I needed to rant!

    We ordered a grey bathroom vanity to go with grey bathroom tiles last fall. We’ve not really used that bathroom yet because there were a couple of bits left to finish off delayed by Covid, and the (thankfully cheap) vinyl floor needed replacing because it was damaged by the builders. The vanity never matched… the cabinet was a blue toned grey and the tiles a silver toned grey – once we took out the vanity to get the floor relaid it was clear just how much it didn’t match as the bathroom looked way better without it!

    After much deliberation between replacing it and trying to paint it, and in the knowledge that we wouldn’t be able to sell the first vanity for much as it’s been installed my partner and I eventually decided on the least hassle option of forking out for a replacement of a plain white one.

    Today the plain white one comes and it… also looks pretty bad! It’s white gloss and idk if it’s the light or what but it looks nearly lilac which again looks a weird next to the porcelain bathroom suite, grey/blue tiles and off white floor. It would cost $60 in delivery fees to return it, and in theory could be exchanged but given the colours in person have been so far off the pictures I’m not even sure that’s worth it. So we’re now in the position of having spent the extra money but *still* considering spending the time and effort painting it a better white to match.

    To add insult to injury the one we just bought (Last week/delivered today) is now $50 cheaper due to a sale having just started. Argh!!!

    1. WellRed*

      I think you should not buy vanities online. Too many possibilities to go wrong. I feel your pain. You’re excited to do this and get it Done! With a capital D and the universe isn’t aligning.

      1. Colour matching nightmares*

        I think it’s more actually ‘desperately wanting things to be over’ rather than excitement (we did a full house renovation and it was a lot :)) – but I’m aware that we’re still being non-zero levels of picky. (It’s the kind of thing where if I looked round a house I’d probably live with it but after spending time and money picking things out it’s sad when they don’t look right!).

        In better news (actually improved my day A LOT) I wrote to the company on Facebook giving this story of woe and they’re refunding the difference between what we paid last week and the current price (with barely any asking tbh). So that was nice!

        1. WellRed*

          It’s not picky to the right color for something like this. It’s not something you change out often.

      2. Reba*

        Whites and greys can be surprisingly tricky!

        Nightmares, I think you should give it a little time to see if you stop noticing the vanity. Right now it’s jumping out at you because it’s new.

        (I recently put up a sheer curtain in one window, the fabric is literally exactly the same shade as the wall paint and it replaced one that was a contrasting color… and yet I’m turning my head to look at the curtain every time I go through the room, because it’s still catching my eye just by virtue of being a change!)

        You could also try changing the lightbulbs in the bathroom for a slightly different temperature and see if it changes the tones in a way you like.

        1. pancakes*

          Changing the lighting is a great idea. I would also add, if the walls are semi-gloss try painting them a bright matte white. Remodelista is a good place to look at shades of white.

        2. Colour matching nightmare*

          Thank you! You are so right that the lighting is affecting it – the bathroom has no windows. I think there’s already just so many colours going on though that *another* White was too much. We’re gonna try spray painting it…. :)

        3. Jack Russell Terrier*

          Yup – lighting and the other colors in the room really affect color tone.

      3. pancakes*

        A vanity in a shop isn’t going to be in the same lighting conditions and amidst the same colors as it would be in the commenter’s home though. Those are what affect perception of color.

    2. Nicole76*

      Oh man, I feel for you. Grey is such a hard color to match even when it’s just rugs and towels. I have towels but cannot for the life of me find rugs I like that don’t clash. I can only imagine the frustration with a vanity. I guess your best bet is to paint the old one and try and sell the new one (assuming it hasn’t been installed). Or paint the one you like best style-wise and see what you might be able to get for the other one (or donate it) so it doesn’t go to waste.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Call or email the store and ask if you can get the sale price. Tell them you would have waited a week if you had known.

      Remodels are tough. I am sorry you had all this stress here. It does seem like it should be a fun and enjoyable thing. But somehow it’s just not.

      1. Colour matching nightmares*

        Yes – the store actually gave us the sale price without really asking for it – which was lovely of them :)

        We’ve decided to repaint it a slightly less aggressively bright white, so I’m hopeful we might get it sorted soon!

        You guys are all correct that its very dependent on the light – this is a bathroom with no windows and I think that definitely affects how things look, but I think we’ve made it harder for ourselves because there’s already quite a few things going on (grey/blue tile, off white floor, black shower screen, white porcelain toilet) so anything else needs to match rather than introduce yet another colour! :)

    4. Bluebell*

      Grey is sooo difficult to match. I ended up testing Seven different shades of gray on my kitchen walls. I love the one I finally settled on, both in full morning light, and at night too. Good luck.

      1. pancakes*

        There’s a company called Backdrop that sells 12” x 12” swatches that are sticky on the back (and easily removable) so you can see how the color would look in the room. I haven’t tried the paint yet but did order a few swatches for my hall. It’s a brilliant idea, and big enough that you can position it in a spot that gets both shade and sun at some point during the day — that really gives a sense of how it will look.

    5. bunniferous*

      White is not white….by that I mean there are all kinds of variations of it. In general all colors have either warm or cool tones-a grey or white can be cool toned or warm toned. Add to that our perception of a col0r literally changes depending on what it is next to…..it can be difficult.

      Before you paint or change anything, one idea-change the light bulbs? Some put out warmer light, some cooler, and that might be part of the issue.

  28. Potatoes gonna potate*

    What do people do in this situation where they need an ultrasound but because of paperwork, have to wait weeks/months to schedule anything and get treated? Is ER really the only option?

    I’ll try to keep this short. I had to schedule a breast ultrasound and it took me 6 phone calls and 5 work days to make an appointment. (will put the background in comments). I had to schedule one in December for a related issue but ended up cancelling it. With this one, it was a really weird process. On the first phone call, the offices were closed. Second, third, fourth and fifth calls, they wouldn’t schedule an appointment because they didn’t receive the order from my obgyn office despite me calling htem multiple times to fax it over..

    At the final phone call, the rep informed me that no order had been received but they could definitely schedule an appointment (!!!!). I explained to her what each rep had said and she was surprised because they could create appointments. She was apologetic and said she’d forward my comments to her manager. I thanked her for her help. This is a major hospital network in my city. 

    I was just so baffled. With the insurance I’ve had the last 5 years, I’ve never needed a referral to see a specialist. I consider myself fortunate because my symptoms have eased up so I can wait but….going back to my first question. God forbid, what if things were worse? If someone had more severe symptoms and/or family history of cancer? It seems like such a time sensitive thing, wouldn’t making someone wait so long get them sicker? Mind blowing. 

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      For background, I did post this briefly last weekend because I was freaking out. I’d been having breast sensitivity since November. I went to my obgyn in December for that and possible PCOS. She did my bloodwork and ordered an ultrasound for the PCOS and the breast. For the latter ultrasound I had to wait 6 weeks for it. Well I found out I was pregnant and I switched to a high risk doctor who assured me the breast tenderness was normal for pregnancy so I cancelled the u/s.

      Cut to 6 months later, it got severe enough over a few days that I sent an email on a Thursday night. Friday morning the Dr sends me an email with the order to get a breast u/s at their hospital’s radiology center.

      Friday, Saturday and Sunday I had literally no pain. It’s something weird that happens that as soon as I complain to a Dr about something, the symptom disappears. My husband noticed a skin change on me that wasn’t there before. I googled the specific change and results came back as cancer. The rest of the week was spent calling the radiology center and my obgyn. I was finally able to get an appt for the next week. 

      Again, just so baffling. 

      1. MistOrMister*

        I’ve never heard of this!! Is it possible for you to go somewhere besides the hospital? When I’ve needed any imaging, I end up going to a specific radiology business in my area. I assumed those were all over the place, but maybe they’re not. I always manage to get an appointment pretty dang quickly, I guess since all these people do is imaging. I’ve never needes the doctor’s office to send over paperwork. You just need your work order when you get to the radiology place.

        Your situation does sound quite baffling.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I was able to make an appointment for this coming week, so I don’t have to wait too long. I didn’t consider specific imaging centers but if I wasn’t’ able to get an appointment on Thursday, I would have looked at other options. I did have a Dr appt this week and he asked if I scheduled it and I told him what was going on; he said they’re being weird because of COVID.

      2. AnonoDoc*

        I am so sorry you are going through so much just to schedule a test! That is ridiculous!

        But as far as “as soon as I schedule an appointment the symptom goes away” — that ALWAYS happens :) And every Doc should know it (hey, it always happens to us too!). It i s the same as the car rattle that goes away when you take the car in to the mechanic but comes back as soon as you drive away :) Any decent doc knows that is the case and gets the information from what you report. And now with cell phones for things like rashes you can take a photo too :)

    2. Coffee Bean*

      Just to clear things up: they likely weren’t scheduling your appointment *because* they hadn’t received the order from your doctor. This is different than a referral – with some insurances you need a referral from your primary care doctor to see a specialist. The order for the u/s is basically just a prescription. But most places still won’t schedule you for imaging without the order because 1) some insurances require a prior authorization for imaging, which the office needs the order to obtain, and/or 2) People say “oh I have the order” and then don’t bring it to their appointment, in which case they can’t be seen and it’s a wasted appointment slot.

      1. Fikly*

        +1

        There’s a big difference between a referral and a order/prescription.

        Often, they cannot legally do the test without the order, so they won’t schedule it. I’ve had experiences with places that won’t even tell me if they have open appointments without the order in hand (though I think that is outrageous, because I’m not getting an order sent to multiple places just to find out if they have a time that works for my schedule).

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Ok that makes sense. I did get an order for an ultrasound a few months ago and scheduling that was really easy (even if the appt was 6 weeks out).

          The last rep I spoke to said that the order hadn’t come through, but they could create a temporary order to make the appointment and have it faxed over to them. so she asked some information about the doctor ordering it. Fortunately I had the paper in front of me and read off everything. None of the reps prior had mentioned doing a temporary order, they just flat out said no, go to the ER if it’s that bad.

    3. Disco Janet*

      You call and call and call until you annoy them into getting it done, in my experience. I don’t like being ‘that person’ and have only needed to do so once, but these do tend to be situations where the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

      1. Disco Janet*

        (And just to clarify, the person I’d be calling repeatedly is the doctor who hasn’t sent in the order.)

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Also they may have changed procedures for referrals and authorizations since Covid-19, possibly multiple times, and there is still confusion about it.

  29. Anon woman without breast cancer*

    hi all… a quick update to my breast cancer journey. I have only 8 more (of 19) radiotherapy treatments to go, and aside from being tired and a tiny sunburn like pinkness to my breast, I am doing well. This is nearing the end of this journey which my surgeon called a ‘bump in the road’ back in October. My scars are healing well and there was no loss in shape after the lumpectomy. I have physio therapy to massage the area and my arms (preventing lymphodema) once a week and all is good. Still walking (have done 250km since 26 March, am so pleased). In June I will start Letrizol.

    I really wish everyone who gets this has as easy a time as I have had – chemo was no picnic, being alone and isolating mostly since October has been ok, but really it could have been worse. I am so grateful. To this community and to friends and family and doctors and nurses.

    When you can, wear your mask and go get a mammogram and other cancer screenings if needed. It will save your life.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Getting an ultrasound and mammography next week. Glad to know things are going well for you and hope it continues <3

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Hug! glad to see you posting and that it is continuing to go as well as it can. And thank you for the PSA…

  30. COVID related: special hours at grocery stores*

    My local grocery stores have designated hours for elderly, pregnant and immunocompromised people. I have not gone at all as my spouse does all the shopping.

    I’ve tried contacting the stores multiple times but no answers.

    My elderly parent wants to go to the store after being in shelter for 4 months. I won’t be going but my husband who doesn’t fall into any of the categories above will be taking her as she needs help getting around.

    I’m just wondering generally how vigilant the stores are being in making sure only designated people are allowed for that time and if helpers are allowed in. They/we will go this week or next, but we like to have an idea in advance.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know that what my store does will mean much for what yours does, but I think the special shopping hours are mostly honor system–stores really don’t want to interrogate their customers on their medical diagnoses. My local supermarket requests that shoppers come in alone but specifically includes elderly shoppers who need assistance as one of the exceptions. Have you checked the store’s website/FB page for any specifics?

      1. another Hero*

        Yeah, there’s no method of enforcement that would be even remotely okay. My grandpa has gone to some stores that count how many people are inside during that time though and make others wait outside until someone leaves

      2. another scientist*

        Yeah, for all the store employees know, your husband could be immunocompromised without looking the part. To expect him to disclose a health condition to access a grocery store would be wild. They very likely use the honor system.

      3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Same here. The stores near me are all honor system — both the special hours and the one-way aisles are suggestions, not mandates.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve heard good and bad things about this. Early on I heard about a number of incidents in the UK where people were told they could not shop together even if it was something like a blind person with their spouse or someone who was obviously there with a carer. But I haven’t heard as many such stories recently. Sounds silly but if you have twitter could you maybe try asking people who have been to your specific store what it was like?

    3. Anon Accountant*

      Ours has been on the honor system and a cashier told me her manager said there’s immune compromised people who are young and “don’t look sick”.

      Their staff was instructed to NOT turn away or question shoppers who come in during the designated hours for elderly, pregnant, etc. people have been pretty good about respecting the designated hours.

      1. HBJ*

        Yes, and through halfway through the prenancy or more depending on what you’re wearing or body type, a pregnant woman is not going to “look pregnant.”

      2. Fikly*

        Well, there are immune compromised people who are young and don’t look sick. There’s a whole thing called invisible disabilities, and we get a lot of crap for using things that are set aside for the disabled and not looking the part.

        1. Anon Accountant*

          Yes and I’m 1 of them. I’m thankful the cashiers manager told the employees to not judge and go on the honor system. I’m thankful others are allowed in during special hours and hopefully won’t get dirty looks or comments made to them.

          That happens too often b/c we “don’t look sick”.

        2. Anon Accountant*

          Sorry I’m agreeing with you. My typing wasn’t clear.

          Blaming it on weekend mode. :)

          1. Fikly*

            Weekend mode for me too, I thought you were saying people who don’t look sick couldn’t be immuno compromised, initially.

    4. Choggy*

      Yeah, a family of three came into the grocery store yesterday, not one of them wearing a mask and the store manager could do nothing about it. I would say, make sure both are wearing masks (covering both nose and mouth, as I also saw people not wearing their masks properly), and make sure to wash your hands before putting on the mask and before taking it off since you will be touching your face. Wash your hands when you get home, before putting away the groceries, and then after the groceries are put away. Try to go as early as possible when there will be less people and have a good list (better if you know where items are and can sort the list by aisle so you don’t have to backtrack).

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          I have started going in the evening here. Usually almost nobody in the place at 7 or 8.

      2. fposte*

        In my state they absolutely can turn shoppers away for not wearing masks. They have somebody at the door to check at my supermarket. (Then there’s that video going around of somebody going into Costco without a mask and getting turned away, and it’s the prospective shopper’s video, which boggles my mind–you thought this made you look *good*?)

        1. HBJ*

          Yes, Costco is enforcing it. I was just at the Costco in my area a couple days ago, and they were handing out masks to people who didn’t have them. I will say, though, that it was not enforced at all once inside. Multiple people pulling them down. Multiple people wearing them under the nose. And of course the adjusting and such. My daughter, who is almost three, was messing with hers a lot, and it didn’t want to stay up on her face despite it being one of the wired ones.

      3. AnonoDoc*

        They can turn away customers for not wearing a shirt or shoes. Surely they could turn away people not wearing masks if they chose to! It is a private business!

      4. Fikly*

        The store manager could do something about it, if the store owner wanted to.

        It’s a private establishment, they can make whatever rules they want.

      5. Wired Wolf*

        I do the list-by-aisle thing; if it’s a store I’m at regularly I can make a list by item position in the aisle. Mom used to make fun of me for this until shopping solo/minimize time became The Rule (I really don’t like shopping with her in this climate; she still thinks we can split up the shopping which just makes things more complicated).

    5. Koala dreams*

      If your spouse goes there during regular hours for shopping, they could ask next time they go. Probably the regular staff is there during the designated hours too, or at least have heard about the rules.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      In my area, you husband would probably not have a problem.

      I think the actual issues will be when your parents see how some stuff is low or out of stock entirely. And when your parents see how there are signs on things limiting quantities. My favorite sign is the one that limits quantities but does not say how many.
      They might have fun (not) with the arrows on the floor. I end up going the wrong way at least a couple times. This is because I breeze by something and when I get 3/4 of the way down the aisle I remember it.
      It’d probably be good to describe all this stuff so they know before they get there.

    7. I hate Karen's*

      I live in a community of Karen’s. I’m sure they are well meaning, but sometimes people need to MYOB. I fit the old folks demographic and have recently had cancer surgery putting me in a double jeopardy risk. The front door checker at the super market gave me the evil eye and loudly mentioned the store was for senior citizens at this time. Feeling snippy, I drove the ½ mile home, scanned my drivers license, blacked out some vital info, printed it and hung it around my neck. I returned to the market 10 minutes later with my fancy billboard and stopped in front of Karen (at a respectful distance) and requested permission to enter. She is still stuttering an apology.

      1. un-pleased*

        That really seems like an overreaction on your part to something that could have been explained on the spot easily.

        1. Wired Wolf*

          If the checker was even willing to hear an explanation rather than escalating things further. Like the ‘service dog’ designation, there are some people that will take advantage of courtesies but the law prohibits us from demanding proof.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Each store’s had different policies on helpers. The place I went yesterday asks that only one family member go inside. So I would call ahead and ask about bringing a helper.

  31. Jdc*

    Grrr. So frustrated that every package I’ve ordered since Covid has been lost. Not stolen, lost somewhere in shipment. I haven’t ordered much but I do need some essentials I can’t get at Target or grocery. I needed shampoo and really didn’t want to buy cheap stuff and destroy my color, that was lost. I needed a knee brace for my outdoor workouts since no treadmill to lessen the impact. Lost. I of course end up getting refunds but heck I still need these things. Of course anything my husband has ordered has shown up right on time. It’s not one carrier either. FedEx, UPS, USPS, all lost. I even have paid extra for quicker shipping to help and still, lost.

    1. juliebulie*

      I’m sure it isn’t personal, but on the other hand, it would be hard not to take it personally!

      I’m glad at least you got refunds! Something I’ve ordered is nowhere to be found, but I don’t think it has shipped yet. They don’t answer their email. Grr.

      1. Jdc*

        Well of course it isn’t personal but man is it annoying. Actually my mail carrier is so lovely she goes so far out of her way to make sure my packages are safe. We are friendly and chat (not so much lately with distancing). She’s my new carrier for a year, the prior woman retired. I’m assuming she was burned out because she would scream at me constantly. If i ordered two packages she’d yell about having to carry two packages. Not to be mean but am very happy she retired.

        Would be far less annoying if there was anywhere I could go myself and buy these items but since I can’t it’s extra frustrating.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Its not just you! I have had multiple packages get lost or just stop moving. A package for my husband showed up two weeks after it had just stopped moving, another one I still haven’t seen but can’t do anything yet because tracking said it would come sometime between the 15th and the 28th (must be walking it from Floridia to NY. I spent HOURS getting stuff just right for a package for work and because no one bothered to tell me it never arrived, not only did I have to do it again and pay extra, but its been too long so we can’t have FedEx look into it.

      I definitely feel your pain.

    3. Colette*

      Get your husband to order them. :)

      I’ve had issues as well, with parcels being weeks delayed, but I think most of them have finally shown up. UPS was particularly bad.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I ordered Masks at the beginning of March. I followed the tracking. They sat in Rochester for at least a month. (Why???)
      Finally, they arrived. I ordered black masks and cotton. These were white, nylon-y. The label on the package of WHITE masks clearly identified them as being BLACK Cotton. (How does one look at something that is one color and randomly decide it is a different color?)
      I wrote the Big Company. It was about a week, then I saw a refund pop onto my credit card. I thought my email had fallen into oblivion but apparently not.

      1. Jdc*

        At least you got the refund. I’ve had the same. Email, no response, refund. Which is all great but I still actually need the product. I’ve asked for them to just ship another, not a refund and no response. Guessing because they are busy and it’s just easier to do that but still, I really need to wash my darn hair haha

    5. Stephanie*

      Oh yeah, I had a couple of things take a month to show up, including one package that had some citrus from my parents. They sealed the box well enough that most of the citrus was fine.

  32. juliebulie*

    I didn’t sleep last night (no special reason, I’m just not good at sleep) so today I have an earworm. A double earworm: It’s the guitar opening of “Layla” on a loop, alternating with the piano part of the song. It’s not the worst earworm I ever had, which was several days of Patsy Cline’s “A Poor Man’s Roses.”

    Tell me about your worst earworm ever.

    1. Jdc*

      That mother flipping Kars for Kids commercial. Causes me actual anger to hear at this point.

      1. juliebulie*

        OMG. Yes. A lot of commercials drive me crazy (sometimes I just blurt “Liberty bibberty” for no reason now), but Kars for Kids is a special kind of obnoxious.

        1. Jdc*

          I have got to the point where i will not do business with or purchase a product if their whole advertising concept is to be annoying.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            I’ve been like this for years. Usually I wouldn’t be interested in whatever it was anyway but if they have an irritating advertising strategy I definitely avoid them.

        2. Not A Manager*

          That one cars for kids is so horrible that I literally leave the area when it’s playing. It creates an instant earworm.

          I was doing PT at an office for a while and they started laughing at me because they knew I would step away from the equipment in order to avoid that ad.

        3. Lcsa99*

          Ha! My husband does the liberty bibberty thing too. And “money’s on the way with cash net usa!” We forward through whatever we can bit somehow always bounce back to those. Singing along kinda defeats the purpose of muting.

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        YES. And for some reason it really irritates me that the boy sings the song with no enthusiasm, like a robot. When I could actually listen to baseball games on the radio, the boy would sing it like a robot, and then a creepy adult would come on and sing the jingle with more enthusiasm. That version doesn’t play on TV. Both versions make both me and my wife strangely ragey, but the duet one is especially creepy.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m afraid to even think about it for fear of getting it stuck in my head again!

    3. Parenthetically*

      I once had “Bad Romance” stuck in my head for, no joke, two months. I do not know “Bad Romance.” I have never heard the entire song, to my knowledge. So I had about 30 seconds of it replaying over and over, for weeks and weeks.

      1. juliebulie*

        I had that with “Brandy.” “Brandy, you’re a fine girl, what a good wife you would be” – that’s the only line I know, it was from a K-Tel commercial or something.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          But my wife, my lover my lay-ay-dee
          Is the seeeeeaaa

          (GAAAAAHHHH)

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              I don’t even know how but I know most of the words to this song. It’s not something I would ever listen to on purpose and it wasn’t used in any ads that I’ve heard. It just got there through osmosis or something. But now I think I’m going to have to find it and listen to it to get it out of my head!

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’ve been watching Full house reruns lately and the theme song is stuck in my head. Except somehow its mashed up with the Family Matters theme song. -_-

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I recently played Free to Be You and Me for my husband. (He had never heard it! Did boys of the 70s not listen to it? I listened to it while falling asleep every night for years of my childhood.) I got “William’s Doll” stuck in my head for WEEKS. No matter what I did, Alan Alda was singing in my head about William wanting a doll.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        This was me the first time I played I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas for my husband, who didn’t grow up in Canada. I had that song stuck in my head for what seemed like AGES. I regretted my actions.

      2. juliebulie*

        I wasn’t allowed to watch the TV special at home, but my 3rd grade teacher played the album for us in class.

      3. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I know people love Free to Be You and Me, but I think it’s pure, unadulterated torture.

    6. Nicki Name*

      I don’t know about worst ever, but there are anime theme songs that can get stuck in my head for days. Welcome to Demon School, Kokkoku, Keep Your Hands of Eizouken, and School-Live all spring to mind.

    7. Queer Earthling*

      I’ve had basically the entire Cats soundtrack stuck in my head off and on for like a year and a half.

      My favorite earworm story, though, is when I had Phil Collins’ “Easy Lover” stuck in my head, but I couldn’t remember the actual words or what it was called, so my brain radio decided to go with “Oo-ooh crispy lover.”

      1. juliebulie*

        Oh dear.
        “Layla” just got knocked out of my head, replaced by Easy Lover.

        My fault for asking ;-)

    8. another scientist*

      “Somebody I used to know”. Replayed it over and over in my living room, for weeks. That must have carried, because then my neighbor played it non-stop for another couple weeks and I heard it through the wall.

    9. Disco Janet*

      My kids are in a Ghostbusters phase. They sing the song CONSTANTLY. Even when they’re not singing it, I cannot get it out of my head and ahhhh I can’t take it anymore!

    11. Policy wonk*

      Worst one I ever had was Please Mr. Postman stuck in my head for a solid week. It was a nightmare of a week for other reasons, but that didn’t help. I no longer remember why the week was bad, but cringe if I hear that song.

    12. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I had Chopin’s Ballade No. 1 stuck in my head since FEBRUARY. Because (unsurprisingly) skating. Send help. XDDDD

      1. allathian*

        When I was a teenager and lived at home, I sometimes used to watch figure skating with my mother. Whenever I heard Ravel’s Bolero, I’d have an earworm for days afterwards. But months, that’s a new one on me.

    13. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

      Many years ago I noticed that when I was stressed, I’d hear the first few bars of The Brady Bunch theme looping continuously in my head. It was awful. The upside is that a) it brought me to realize that I had a genuine anxiety issue, and b) my doctor gave me an Rx for a mild tranq medicine for the thankfully rare occasions that I need it.

      The Brady Bunch thing is rather pathological in its icky stickiness. I’m a fairly musical person (let me tell you about my new Kong Wavestate!) and I’ve often got some kind of music in the back of my head, and I can almost always control it.

      What I find interesting is that I know a person who claims to *enjoy* the really sticky earworms in various songs – in fact, if a song gets stuck in his head, he considers it a “good song”. He’s an otherwise normal person. I personally have radically different criteria for determining the music I like, and it blows my mind that he processes music this way. Then again, maybe *I’m* the freak.

    14. MsChanandlerBong*

      Price Chopper’s “Go Can Crazy” commercial. A bunch of kids jumping around with giant canned goods strapped to their feet, singing “Go can crazy…go can crazy.”

    15. dinoweeds*

      The stupid Charmin bear singing “ooh my hiney’s clean…” I feel an actual palpable rage when that jingle comes on the TV.

      1. juliebulie*

        I have a whole set of personal issues around the TP-using bear family. (Actually I think there are two – a blue one and a red one?)

        1. Former Employee*

          Yes, there are 2. That’s because there are 2 types of Charmin. Blue is Ultra Soft and red is Ultra Strong.

        2. Pomona Sprout*

          For some reason, the sheer absurdity of the Charmin Bears amuses me. The idea of a bear who obviously never wears ANY clothing singing about a pair of underwear is totally ridiculous and the ridiculousness makes me laugh. (Like, I’m glad your hiney’s clean, but where in the bloody hell did those freaking things come from?)

          I also like Limu Emu. I think he’s adorable, and again, the whole premise of those commercials is just SO silly that the whole thing cracks me up.

          In both cases, I feel like the absurdity is deliberate, and the creators are winking at me going, “Look how silly this is!” If I felt like I was expected to take any of it seriously, I’d hate it but I feel like they know they’re being silly, and they know that I know they’re being silly and we’re all having a laugh together.

          1. juliebulie*

            I like Limu Emu, but the Charmin bears… I mean, we all know bears shit in the woods, so how can they use TP without littering?

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        The Charmin bear is merely one of a gazillion intelligence-insulting advertisements that make me loathe commercial television with the fire of a thousand suns.
        The Internet also has abundant stupidity but at least I can mute the sound and control the degree of visual stimulation. GRRRR. /rant

        1. allathian*

          One reason why I mostly watch either our public broadcaster or a subscribed streaming service. I hate most commercials.

    16. NewReading Glasses*

      The theme song for “I Dream of Jeannie”. Daa da de de dedede. Arrrggh. I started humming it while pulling weeds without realizing what it was. I’m now also hearing that sort of bleringngng noise made when she does magic.

    17. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Somehow I figured out that you can sing “Bingo” to the same cadence as “Amazing Grace.” So every time I hear “Amazing Grace” (unfortunately, that’s surprisingly often, as the TV is always on in my household and singing “Amazing Grace” is an overused trope on TV), I hear it in my head sung to the tune of “Bingo,” as in the kid’s song about the farmer and his dog.

      1. knead me seymour*

        Oh, I have a modified version of that with the Transformers theme song. Anything that has the same cadence as the word “Transformers” must be followed up by “robots in disguise” as far as my brain is concerned.

    18. knead me seymour*

      “Don’t Stop Believin'” is lurking somewhere in my psyche at all times, waiting for its time to shine. Now that I’ve written this, I look forward to a solid week of JUST A SMALL-TOWN GIRL LIVIN IN A LONELY WORLD invading my dreams.

    19. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Oh boy, one more. I turned on my TV just now and one of the Harry Potter movies was playing. It was a scene with Severus Snape. So now I have this Paula Abdul ’90s classic going in my head:

      He’s a cold-hearted Snape,
      Look into his eyes,
      Uh oh… he’s been telling lies…

      1. Wired Wolf*

        OK, now I have that song (original) going through my head. At least it knocked out whatever stupid ad jingle mom was singing (she seems to get stuck on pharma ads).

      2. allathian*

        LOL!
        I love misheard lyrics, although they’re even more annoying than ordinary earworms, my “favorite” is Bon Jovi’s Like a Prayer:
        She says, we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
        It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My husband & I use Nickelback “Rock Star” as the antidote to other earworms. We at one point had 3 songs driving each other out and named it “rockstar paper scissors”.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Hahaha! Thanks for making me laugh.

        I always used to use the Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself” as an earworm antidote, but find that doesn’t really work anymore, sadly.

    22. Anon for this*

      The horrible slightly jazzy call-waiting music a local hospital/health system plays. It’s bad enough on the phone…

    23. Longtime Lurker*

      Brick House and Play That Funky Music have been longtime issues for me, but I recently learned that chewing gum (mostly) solves the problem! Hooray!

    24. Stephanie*

      Not sure if this was my worst, but it’s up there: the Eastern Motors jingle. It’s one of those predatory, your job’s your credit, 25% APR car dealers based in DC. They have a (probably intentionally) catchy jingle.

  33. Anon Accountant*

    This week mom and I realized the house is too much for us. We inherited grandmas house in 2006 and it’s over 100 years old. It needs too much work/not worth the funds to fix it. My goal is to buy a house myself in a year.

    A monthly savings goal is set (for a down payment, repairs fund, etc) and I’m excited. Sharing on here because our relatives are going to be complaining about us letting of of “grandmas house“ although we’ve lived here my whole life (36 years).

    1. fposte*

      Congratulations! That sounds like a great decision. I bet those relatives aren’t preparing to buy the house–they just wanted you to keep it for them forever. It’s a stealthy kind of hoarding that happens in families sometimes..

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      If they complain, they can buy it.

      I find just doing it quietly is the easiest way to do it especially when there are naysayers around.

      Best of luck to you, I hope you achieve your goals easily <3

    3. Choggy*

      Yup, you need to do what is right for YOU. I love how to people who have nothing invested will offer opinions left and right. Good luck in your house search, and just ignore them, complainer always gonna complain, they’ll find something else soon enough!

    4. Anono-me*

      You get to make the choice that’s right for you. So does your mom. If the other people in the family want the house to stay in the family, they can buy it.

      The problem is a couple of them are going to probably want to buy it for ‘cheap’ because ‘family’ and because ‘you didn’t pay anything for it’. (Insert rude noise here.) So it might be good to have a plan. Most real estate agents have dealt with something like this and can talk to you about several different options. As I remember, when we sold our prior home, our agent said that they could add a codicil into our contract to deal with a potential family member sale. Something about a reduced commission if the family member made an official offer in X days with the home to be listed in X+ 7 days. (This was long ago and far away and I’m not any kind of real estate professional, so talk to someone who knows what they are doing. )

    5. WS*

      Get the house valued so that when the relatives complain, you can offer it to them for the listed price!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Get an estimate from the realtor. Give family 2 weeks before day it goes on market to contact the realtor themselves and buy it. And prepare for a bruhaha. I’m sorry.

    7. Former Employee*

      There are people who want an old home that hasn’t had too much work done so they can restore it/update it to their own taste. Depending on your area, you might be able to get a reasonable amount of money for it “as is”. Of course. the big plus is that you inherited the house, so there’s no issue of “we paid X so we need to get at least X+ for the house”.

      As others have suggested, do offer it to the relatives for a reasonable price. Chances are an appraisal will result in a figure that is close to what a knowledgeable realtor tells you the house is likely to bring. Perhaps you could even give the relatives a discount if the realtor would be willing to handle it for a flat fee since they wouldn’t have to do much work. That way, if the relatives tun it down, they’ll have nothing to complain about once you sell it to a third party.

      Congratulations to you and your mom for recognizing that you and the house are no longer a good fit and best of luck to you both.

  34. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Weird question, since we have a lot of people who have or had breast cancer here: What does it feel like? I mean physically, when you touch it? I am asking out of curiosity, but also because I’m a woman and have never been quite sure what I’m looking for in the recommended self exams.

    1. MistOrMister*

      I’ve never had it either, but I believe what you’re looking for in self exams are hard lumps. According to my doctor I should expect some lumpiness (she sure isn’t wrong there!!) but that if they’re hard to be concerned and go in to get it checked.

      1. Anon woman without breast cancer*

        This – a lump that was not there before. hard lumps definitely but lumps in general. Doing a monthly check is important – in the shower, arms raised, just check each one, all over, for lumps. I found my breast cancer this way. You can then go to get a mammogram and other tests if needed (depending on medical insurance stuff and how it works for you).

    2. TimeCat*

      I haven’t had breast cancer but I am high risk due to family history and what I have been told to watch out for is basically a change. That’s why doing them regularly is the key, you’ll notice something different.

    3. WellRed*

      I want to jump in and say it’s also important to see your doc every year for exams and when age appropriate, mammogram. I’m pretty flat and had a lump I had to get biopsied. It’s all fine, but even knowing where it was and having no layer of boob, I still couldn’t feel it.

      1. Claire*

        A huge YES to annual exams and mammograms. Back in 2016 my OBGYN visit didn’t turn up any concerns, but my mammogram did show something off. I was diagnosed with Stage 1A breast cancer–a tiny, tiny lump–and because they caught it so early, I only had to undergo a couple weeks of radiation.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’ve always been told to look out for lumps or discharge or skin changes or pain.

      Well I’ve had nipple pain and just recently noticed a skin change. My obgyn ordered an ultrasound & mammography for me to rule anything out.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yes – not just lumps. I have a benign tumor in one of my lactic ducts that not only isn’t palpable, but also isn’t visible on a mammogram – it has to be an ultrasound or a scan with radio contrast before the Martian shows up. The first sign I had of it was – this is gross – my doc pressing on the quadrant where the duct is and literally squirting a blood-tinged discharge across the room. (Doc: “Well. That ain’t right.” Me: “THE DUCK??”)

        But I also have boobs full of dense tissue and micro cysts, so basically mammogram time is just always an exercise in “Well, we gotta check that, and that, and that, but they’re probably all fine.” And so far, knock wood, they have been.

        1. Anon woman without breast cancer*

          Agree here too – discharge, changes, pain, heat, etc – there is a good list on the breastcancer DOT org site under symptoms/testing/types/self_exam – shows steps to doing the self exam and there is a section that lists symptoms that include:

          swelling of all or part of the breast
          skin irritation or dimpling
          breast pain
          nipple pain or the nipple turning inward
          redness, scaliness, or thickening of the nipple or breast skin
          a nipple discharge other than breast milk
          a lump in the underarm area

    5. Lora*

      Well, my answer will be useless to you: my breasts had (have) so many cysts, benign fibroids, calcifications and general strangeness that when one of the weird lumpy bits turned out to be cancer it didn’t feel any different from the other five lumps I had at the time – in fact it was considerably smaller than the others. It wasn’t painful, it was just a little hard spot. I was actually more worried about the other larger (painful, not moving) ones when the ultrasound tech suddenly got very quiet looking at that spot and started using that measuring tool thingy in the imaging software.

    6. pancakes*

      Not a weird question! There are good self-exams instructions on the National Breast Cancer Foundation’s site:

      https://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-self-exam

      I’m not sure whether it was this particular set of illustrations, but one of my suite mates in college posted something like this in our shared bathroom, laminated, so it’s always been in the back of my mind. Years later I found my own very small lump during a routine self-exam, went to the gyno to ask if I should have it biopsied, and that was how I ended up with my fortunately-early diagnosis.

    7. Not A Manager*

      One easy answer is that you’re looking for “changes.” If you visually inspect your breasts regularly, you know what they generally look like. Same for the self-exam they teach you to do in the shower, where you gently rub/palpate all around your breasts. You know what they feel like. If you find something “new,” it’s worth respecting that.

      Depending on what you find that’s new, you might just keep an eye on it and see if it resolves and never returns, or you might want to phone your doctor’s office to talk to them about it. I’ve always brought a lump to my doctor’s attention immediately. Visual changes I’ve tended to wait and see if they resolve, but they were always changes that you would expect *would* resolve, like a bit of redness. If there had been something really odd, I’d have called immediately.

    8. KoiFeeder*

      Actually, gonna jump on this for a secondary question of my own. I actually have some pretty serious nerve damage in that area, and no one can seem to agree if it’s even worth it for me to self-examine when I’m only feeling pressure, and just barely at that.

      I do get mammograms every six months, so it’s probably not a big deal, but given the family history…

      1. Wehaf*

        As long as you have feeling in your fingers you are still getting important sensory information; don’t focus on what your breast tissue is feeling, but what your hands are.

      2. Not A Manager*

        I’ve found lumps before, and they were never tender or sore. Them being touched felt like anything else on my breast being touched. I’ve always looked for the sensation in my fingers, not the sensation in my breast.

    10. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Thanks all! I should perhaps be clear that I have no particular reason to be more worried about breast cancer than any other woman. I was basically just curious, so thank you for indulging my curiosity.

    11. allathian*

      I’m not sure either. On my next gynecology visit I’m going to ask them to teach me. I’ve tried doing it about once a month in the shower, but I have a big chest and also family history. My paternal grandmother had it when she was in her early seventies, had a double mastectomy and lived for another ten years and died from Alzheimer’s. My mother got diagnosed following a mammogram screening when she was 50. The lumps and some lymph nodes were removed but she got to keep her breasts, although she had radiotherapy and had to take estrogen blockers for a few years afterwards. My father also had a lump removed when he was 65. So I’m checking, and I’m definitely going for my free mammogram screening when I hit 50.

  35. Bibliovore*

    In the beginning of all of this I was able to structure my days, take time for my physical and mental well-being, time for work, time to write. I signed up for Apple plus and CBS all access.
    Work is fine, its the other stuff.
    People have been very generous and kind. We do not lack for food or cleaning supplies.
    I am grateful for all of this but…
    As I write this I was going to ask, does anyone else feel that they have run out of gas?
    Everything is a HUGE effort. Showing up. Participating in remote meetings. Engaging with students.
    No interest in food. Living on bowls of congee.
    Then I remembered. So far I know 9 people who have died in the last 7 weeks. Not all of Covid 19 but one who was like a sister to me.
    Grief. Trying to give myself a break.

    1. WellRed*

      It’s hard to have this keep dragging on. When it first started, I think most of us thought, short timeline and definitely normal by summer. It’s sinking in that won’t happen. Also, I wish I could just go a store without all the military planning.

    2. MistOrMister*

      I had a couple of weeks like that. I was doing fine, but then I went to the store and ran into traffic and it just shot my whole day to pieces. Then I sat around like a lump on a log for 2 weeks other than working. I had no pep in my step and was just mentally exhausted. I’m slowly staging a comeback, but it’s HARD!!

      I think there is just so much going on that we can find ourselves experiencing a sort of break where we go into a survival-type shutdown mode. And for you, having lost so many people recently that would not be unexpected. Go easy on yourself, amd know you’re not alone. At some point you’ll get your mojo back!

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thank you. Feeling so “not like myself” Going to do some straightening up and a little cleaning and then call it a day.

    3. fposte*

      Sprint energy isn’t stamina. They literally require different kinds of muscles when you’re talking a physical endeavor; I think they take very different kinds of psychological energy as well.

      If you haven’t yet, take some days off of work. Even if you’re 9-month (I’m 12) there’s still the ever-present projects and pressures. It’s really self-supportive to say “No, I’m not beholden to that today.”

      1. Bibliovore*

        Thanks. I am on a twelve-month contract. School is out next week but still have administrative and supervisory responsiblities. You are right. I need to schedule days off in a row with no Zoom meetings, emails, or contact with work. Will do that right after graduation. The real puzzlement right now is lack of interest in food (my happy place) and stupid distracting television. I was so excited to see Picard but have only watched 3 episodes. I

    4. Disco Janet*

      Totally know what you’re talking about. I just deleted a big, long rant because it got into work stuff, but I am completely drained and having a really difficult time being a good mom, teacher, or wife right now. And I can’t take any more illness or death. And all my husband ever wants to talk about is the news. And I am just perpetually exhausted and sick of what life is like right now.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      Just wanted to note that the lack of interest in food, and irritability, was a sign of grief for me.

      So do read up a little on grief. For me, even if it is not someone close, for each death, they are not in isolation. It becomes additive. I would say “but that’s mom’s best friend, not mine…” when I cried. And realized it was bringing up other stuff.

      In this time, I (and I suspect others) are grieving “the end of the world as we knew it.” Because it won’t be the same. (for me, retirement timeline has changed, job fears higher). Now for you, add those extra deaths, and yes, you should be extra gentle. I do recommend the walks in full sunshine. They – and journaling – were my best helps. You look for what helps you cope and build your resiliency…. there will be something that does.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. This. A symptom of grief can be eating too much or no interest in food.

        Going in a different direction, if you are sitting all the time you may not be doing enough to work up an appetite. I’d suggest salads (raw nutrition) or soups (foods already broken down) to make sure you are getting stuff into you that your body can use.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      I could really use a break. My husband lost his job due to COVID, so I am extremely thankful that I have been able to do a lot of freelance work this month. But, the problem is that the work is dropped in batches, and when it’s gone, it’s gone. So I can’t just pick up one assignment, complete it, and pick up another one. I have to pick up four or five at a time, or else other people will claim them and I’ll get nothing. If you claim them all at the same time, they all have the same due date/time, so I end up working like a madwoman to get everything done. The work I do this weekend will more than cover my husband’s first missing paycheck in June (thankfully, he will get one more paycheck in May) and carry us over until his unemployment kicks in so that we don’t have to touch our savings, which is awesome, but I am tired. I was up until 4 a.m. this morning, and I’ll be working all weekend.

      I could use a week on the beach.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m sorry. My family went through something like that when I was a child. It sucks I highly recommend therapy. I didn’t get it until years later, and it made a difference when I finally did. Take care of yourself, and if there is anything we can do here I’m sure I’m not the only one who will be offering.

  36. Chocolate Teapot*

    This week’s broken washing machine update.

    There seems to have been a run on washing machines. Expecting to see lots of models to choose from, the shop had to spread them out to hide the shortage. Plus machines were being sold whilst I was trying to make my mind up.

    So I ended up with an ex-display machine (with 5% off) and it is being delivered on Tuesday afternoon.

    2. Reba*

      Yay! I’m so happy for you. Seriously! Glad you were able to get a little discount for your trouble.

  37. Sled dog mama*

    I’m not sure if I’m just being extra sensitive right now but I am so annoyed with people right now.
    My coworkers are complaining about everything! It’s so annoying and I just want to yell that they should shut up, be happy that their job is considered essential enough that our employer hasn’t laid off or furloughed them and go do that f-ing job.
    My mother in law decided that because I took my kid to the store to get some stickers (first time kid left the house in 6 weeks she wore a mask and did better about not touching it than some adults) I’m not taking COVID seriously and she was going to a Memorial Day cookout at her other son’s house, four hours away in another state.
    My daughter’s sunglasses were missing for most of the week and suddenly this morning hubby decides it’s a crisis and they must be found NOW!

    To top it off we were supposed to be getting out of mil’s house into our temporary place on Monday and the landlord raised the price on us on Friday, the place wasn’t perfect but we were willing to deal with the lack of closets and other things because of the price, with the raised price we can find other places that fit our needs much more closely within $100, but hubby is totally fed up and wants to just stay and “make it work” living with his parents

    1. Colette*

      I think a lot of people are irritable right now. I’m pretty lucky – I like being home, can work from my couch, and have a beautiful backyard that lets me get outside, but there are still times when everything is just so much harder than it should be!

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your husband can find the sunglasses. You’re going to go lock yourself in the bathroom or something and have a nice, peaceful interlude to yourself.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. The key to staying calm is to not borrow stress from others. Tune out the coworker bitching and make a few sympathetic noises, or just go “I’m sorry, I can’t talk about this any more. How about that [subject change]?” For your husband, his weird sunglasses problem is his problem, leave him to it. For the MiL, tune her out as much as possible. She’s just a thing that makes noises like the parents in Snoopy.

        1. Jdc*

          I agree with this but I also agree that after enough time of hearing it the whole blocking it out thing stops working so well. I usually just let my husband do his freak out or whatever but if I hear him slamming things in the kitchen because “the utensil drawer is too full” I may shove a spatula…well. That’s the only dang drawer we have. You tossing a fit doesn’t change that. Stop!!!

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Have you considered getting some sort of countertop utensil holder (big vase for utensils)? You can put the spatulas in it.

            1. Jdc*

              I have but a.) I despise counter top clutter and b.) I am the one who cooks mostly and I don’t find it to be so dramatic. I just open the drawer, take a second to look, and remain calm. Hhahaha

      2. Sled dog mama*

        So the sunglasses…after making that post I took a cue from Sherlock Holmes’s Baker Street irregulars I turned to the kiddo and said where are your sunglasses?
        “In nana’s car” so I walk out and open the door to the car, there they are in his mothers cup holder. That is the last time I trust him when he says I’ve looked everywhere

    3. Not A Manager*

      IIRC, your husband has always leaned more toward staying and making it work at his parents’.

      I think you need to remain firm that the plan was not “this other rental or staying here,” the plan was “find a way to move out.” The fact that this one rental might not be right doesn’t fundamentally change your plan.

      IDK what’s going on with your husband and his decision-making/tolerance for anxiety and change, but it might be worth it to you to spend the extra $100 to move into the less-than-ideal rental for a year, rather than spend that extra $100 on a better rental if that means you have to start from scratch with your husband.

      In fact, you might present it to him that way. “We’re going to have to spend an extra $100 a month. Should we spend it on the current rental because it’s easy and a sure thing, or should we keep looking?”

    4. Former Employee*

      How does your MIL know what her other son and his family have been doing? Maybe she just wants to go to see her other son, knows it isn’t a good idea to travel, and was just looking for an excuse.

      I would go online and see if I could find another, better place within the parameters that make sense for you and your family. If not, try doing “pros and cons” re: this rental vs. staying at your MIL’s.

      Hope everything works out for the best.

  38. Colette*

    So 4 years ago I broke my ankle. While it was recovering, I had issues with the ball of my foot – it was kind of achy and irritable, but it felt better when I taped it. And now it’s happening again, possibly irritated by the number of times I went up and down a ladder while painting last weekend.

    The thing is, I can only tape it for 3 days, then I need to give it a rest.

    I’m sure it will calm down soon, but for future reference, does anyone have any suggestions for how to support that part of my foot when I can’t tape it?

    1. fposte*

      Try metatarsal pads. You can experiment with the gel foot pads you’ll get at the supermarket or pharmacy–put them just behind the ball of the foot so that the ball isn’t carrying as much weight. I’d also avoid going barefoot and consider wearing shoes in the house for a while, especially if you can get a nice cushiony sock layer in there.

      1. Colette*

        Thanks! I will check those out. I’ve been trying to wear good shoes in the house, but since it’s summer I keep taking them off when I sit down and then forgetting to put them on again. (I usually remember when my foot hurts again.)

        1. fposte*

          I have an old foot break on a metatarsal, which conveniently I rebroke a few years ago. I forget it until it reminds me, but once it reminds me it takes a while to convince it to shut up again. I just stick pads in most of my shoes–my favorites come from an Amazon seller who clearly just shaves thick sticky-back felt into the appropriate beveled shape and sells it in multiples, and I am happy to give them money for doing that.

    2. Sheep*

      Hey! I broke my ankle 6 years ago, had metal put in and then taken out 3 years ago. I haven’t had the same type of pain that you’ve described, but I’ve had a lot of pain when walking for more than 5-10 minutes. It’s only this year that I’ve found the time and money to try to figure out what it was: I went to an orthopedist who figured out a whole lot of issues with flat feet + poor mobility due to the surgery and and and…. So now I’ve been given insoles that have been custom-made for me, with support in all the right places. I’ve only had them 5 days, but I can already feel the difference. I don’t know if you’ve discussed it with a health professional (and it may be difficult now during covid), but I would really encourage it.

      1. Colette*

        I think this is not a direct result of the ankle break, it was probably a result of the physio (calf raises – I think the repetition of putting pressure on that part of the foot is what aggravates it.) Since I was in physio, my physiotherapist showed me how to tape it, and that works well except for the 3 day limit,

        I have insoles, and they definitely help! I just don’t usually wear shoes at home, but I should bite the bullet and do so until it calms down. (I’ve been wearing Birkenstock’s, which help as well but are too easy to kick off.)

        1. Jules the First*

          My physio sent me home with one of those spiked balls and instructions to spend at least ten minutes a day rolling it around underfoot. I was super skeptical, but I’m 18-months post-injury and writing this from the floor because I’m too tired to get up after my third workout in 24 hours (translation: the ankle is now better-than-new…it’s the rest of me that can’t keep up!)

          1. Colette*

            Hmm. I seem to remember an exercise like that. Thanks! My ankle is pretty good – prone to sprains and I still limp going down stairs, but it doesn’t really affect my life much. And neither does this foot thing – it’s just achy, I can do whatever I want to do.

            1. Stephanie*

              You can freeze a disposable water bottle (a full one), and use that to roll under the area that’s hurting. I’ve had some foot and ankle issues, and that really helps with arch/ball of foot pain. And wearing good, supportive shoes virtually all of the time is really important. I’ve also found that wearing the same shoes every day–even supportive ones–can cause some pain. My feet feel better if I make a point of switching up my shoes every couple of days.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Not helpful at this moment, but a friend of mine does a lot of ladder work. He has switched all his ladders to the kind that have a step several inches wide. He says the ones with rungs do his feet right in. This might be a worthwhile investment for you. His problem developed in his 50s or so and it is after years of using the ladders with rungs. He feels it makes a big difference for him.

      1. Colette*

        I did not know those existed – thanks! I don’t know that a new ladder is worth it for me since I use it so infrequently, but if it becomes a bigger issue, it’s good to know there are options out there.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          https://www.amazon.com/Louisville-Ladder-AS4005-5-Foot/dp/B000KL2XU4?ref_=s9_apbd_orecs_hd_bw_b2Jz4&pf_rd_r=F7321QS5MHCQ8V3XP4XZ&pf_rd_p=4b2730f5-29a4-5e3e-99b1-4fb6536d1208&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-10&pf_rd_t=BROWSE&pf_rd_i=553478

          This is an example. You can zoom in to see it better. It’s probably about 2-3 inches wide which can make a big difference for tender feet. That round dowel they use on other ladders is really not that comfy. (Not recommending this particular ladder, I am just showing the difference in style.)

  39. Potatoes gonna potate*

    My husband and I are planning to move away within the next year. Ideally we would like to be in our new home by next summer. We were able to narrow it down to the nearby states as we want to stay within a 12-hour drive of Toronto where his family is.

    Aside from living in an apartment for a few years in my 20s, I have lived in my childhood home all my life whereas my husband has moved countries, provinces and states and cities. lol.

    The idea of moving to a new state is so much but really exciting now. I never wanted to leave my city but now I am ready.

    I’ll post separately on Friday about job searching in a new state. But I’ve never moved so far away before. What are things to consider? We’ve set our budget and will be renting for the time being. Since its 4 of us, I strongly prefer a house to rent, not apartment. I’d like to be in suburbs near big box stores and shopping and other facilities.

    Other than that what are some things to look for when moving to a new state?

    1. Reba*

      How much do you know about the states/towns you’re considering? This is a great time to tap into your network and talk to people about life in the areas while you are shopping for cities. Pros and Cons lists are essential when you are trying to weigh a lot of various factors.

      Almost all my moves have been out of state or across the country, lol. But always for a particular opportunity in that place — the location choice wasn’t for the location itself, if that makes sense. So it is interesting to think about how I’d choose!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m looking at a few neighborhoods in Jersey. Starting close lol. There’s one area that I really like and is about a 90 minute drive away and is my ideal neighborhood IF we can find a proper space to live in within our budget. But I’m open to other parts of NJ, PA, but I have no knowledge of them.

    2. Fulana del Tal*

      If this is a long term stay look in the schools/cost of private schools. When my cousin moved out of the city she factored in the cost of private schools because the school system wasn’t great.

    3. Disco Janet*

      Four of you? Is your mom coming with? I had assumed the plan was eventually to move out of your childhood home and she would stay there – given your struggles with her, it seems like it would be easier to care for/raise baby without her around. Maybe that’s a non-negotiable, but I thought it was worth raising.

      Is the plan to sell the childhood home? If so, how far would that money go on a new place? In some states/areas (like mine), renting costs about as much as a mortgage, so definitely think through the renting vs. buying thing.

      Choosing what state you want to be in can be exciting and overwhelming! Sounds like you have lots of choices, so just start making a list of what’s important to you. Does public transportation matter, or are you fine with driving everywhere? How about the schools – will you still be there when baby starts school in five years? Does it matter to you where the state/area tends to fall politically? (I’ve had trouble making friends in our new city because we have VERY different views on this from most of our neighbors.)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        She’ll split time between us and her home in the home country. I know there are struggles and it’s not an ideal situation but…I just can’t abandon her. It’s not great but that’s my non-negotiable reality and we have to make do with it.

        It IS so overwhelming and exciting! One place I really liked when I visited was Vancouver, Washington. I loved it, the houses, the weather was comparable to NY and Canada was a nice drive away. But we wouldn’t be able to do our road trips to visit his family, which is a huge factor, so we narrowed it down to Eastern states.

        When husband or husband & I moved, we had very few factors to consider…. not so much so when it’s a family and used to a certain lifestyle. Like, I could not go back to living in a 1-bedroom taking public transit everywhere like I did in my 20s.

        I drive now (late learner) so that opens up so many more possibilities lol. We don’t plan to stay in the same place for 5 years, maybe 2 years max so hoping within that time I can work and we can save up to buy a home in a good school district. I’m very much more so concerned about finding work in my field but that’s a Friday post.

    4. Colette*

      One thing to keep in mind – it can take far longer than you’d think to adjust to living somewhere new. Give yourself at least 6 months to adjust.

    5. Carlottamousse*

      If you have any jobs lined up before you go, look into convenience of commute/public transportation. Also ease of access to local daycare if that’s something you’ll be looking at, schools, grocery stores, and local hospitals/medical plazas (I’ve heard babies have a lot of doctors’ appointments). Also possibly research local crime statistics for different neighborhoods and proximity to noisy areas (like airport & plane paths, etc.). Perhaps also look at proximity to local parks. Lots of things to think about, but it’s definitely exciting, if a bit daunting, to explore a new city and start fresh somewhere new.

    6. Roja*

      Take a look at the subreddits and citydata forum pages for the cities you’re considering. My husband and I picked a city and moved there this past year, and those sites were invaluable for hearing what things are really like in an area. Once you’ve narrowed it down to a city or an area, look for local facebook pages. Not every place has a thriving local group, but for those that do, they can be VERY helpful.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      So another thing i forgot to consider is timing of this all.

      We won’t be ready to move until next March at the earliest. How soon in advance do we search? When we moved from one borough to another in 2009, I was looking 2-3 months in advance but we were moving from rent free home to an apartment. All renters wanted us there immediately so it was a little tricky.

    8. Stephanie*

      The job market, for sure. I live in your desired radius (Metro Detroit) and I wouldn’t say this is the easiest place to move without a job (a lot of the local economy is tied to how the auto industry is doing).

      What are housing vacancies like in the area? How easy is it to visit your family? For example, are there lots of direct flights or an easy enough drive? I lived in a mid-sized city for grad school and a layover was always involved (some people had less patience for this than others).

      12 hours from Toronto (especially if you’re considering the US) offers a lot of weather variation — do you want to avoid cold winters or hot summers?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        So tdoay we were able to settle on a few specific neighborhoods. My husband is open to anything so I was doing the research on it. I talked to a friend today who moved to the area I’m looking at and she said it’s the best decision they ever made. The more she told me about it, the more I want to move there lol. It’s a 90 minute drive from where I currently am, so I could still take public transit if I had to for a job (or drive if it was within the state) and has everything else we would want nearby, short and long term.

        So when husband and I initially discussed it…I had brought up PNW as I liked it when I visited and I have family there. After discussing, we realized it didn’t work for us because a flight to Toronto would be 7+ hours and it was important that we be able to drive there in 10-12 hours. I wouldn’t really be able to visit any of my friends or family, even though I see them 2-3x a year, and West coast would add on an extra 6-8 hours flight time for my mom to travel to our home country where she would spend substantial time. So I think that wa a good place to start to narrow it down.

        So that was a good progress today I think, narrowing it down to the area. Now I just have to worry about being able to afford it, we’re looking at March and hopefully this shouldn’t affect my job search.

  40. Mimmy*

    Mask musings

    Everything is beginning to slowly reopen but continuing to adhere to social distancing and wearing masks in public is strongly encouraged. I have two (probably silly) questions about this.

    1. What if you’re eating out (many restaurants are allowing outdoor dining). How can you wear a mask and eat?

    2. What if you have to sneeze?

    Also, a bit of a gripe: I am a little hard of hearing so hearing people who are masked can be difficult. Also, I absolutely get all of the safety measures being taken, such as plexiglass at stores. But I cannot hear a thing from the masked store clerk behind that plexiglass. So PSA: If you’re a store clerk, please make an effort to speak up, especially if you have a soft voice.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      I’m not going out even if restaurants open until this whole thing is over. It’s just not worth it. Cases in my area is still increasing but we’ve already started opening up. The only thing I plan on doing once shelter in place is lifted is visiting some of my close by friends.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve been sticking with curbside pickup and occasionally buying a u-bake pizza.

    3. fposte*

      1. If you’re eating, it’s expected you’ll remove or lower the mask. That’s why restaurants have been such a carefully considered venue–it’s a high risk for the servers.

      2. The mask absolutely stays on when you sneeze–that’s the exact thing it’s supposed to be keeping from getting out. Yeah, it’s not nice on the inside, but nobody else wants that on or in them either.

      The mask thing is a real problem for the hearing-impaired. There are some templates for masks that allow lips to be more visible by using clear plastic over the mouth portion, but they’re not as easy to make or find so they’re not likely to be in general use anytime soon. I think a lot of us, even if our hearing is average, are finding it harder to communicate with people wearing masks, so I think it would be fine for you to start by asking if they could speak loudly since you find it hard to understand masked people otherwise.

      1. Mimmy*

        2. The mask absolutely stays on when you sneeze–that’s the exact thing it’s supposed to be keeping from getting out. Yeah, it’s not nice on the inside, but nobody else wants that on or in them either.

        Ahh…right. Duh *slaps forehead*

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      Same here. I am not going anywhere near restaurants until I am vaccinated. But I do agree that masks have turned us all into mumblers. We must now speak slowly & clearly if we want to be understood.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’m with you. This thing is far from over, and all the states opening up are just going to make things worse. We have not seen the worst of this situation.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      The bigger problem for me is I’ve realized that I’m having trouble breathing in the masks. I’m ok for a while, but then its a problem. The asthma isn’t helping. Basically, my company had better not be dumb and try to pull everyone back into the office while masks are still needed.

      1. Colette*

        I have asthma as well, and I’m OK up to a point … and that point is when I get out of the store/back to my car. I don’t know whether it’s the asthma if it’s psychological. But I can’t take the mask off soon enough.

        1. Jdc*

          I have about 20 mins before I have to panic run out of a store and tear it off. Panic attacks every time I have to go out. I’m so annoyed with it.

          1. Colette*

            It’s not that severe for me – I can make it through whatever I was doing in the store – but as soon as I’m outside it has to come off immediately- I can’t wait until I’ve put my purchase in the car or done anything else.

    6. AthenaX*

      2. You have to sneeze with the mask on; basically the whole point of the mask is to prevent the virus from spreading through aerosols, which is what a sneeze is comprised of. It feels gross and wrong to sneeze into a mask on your face, but you have to keep the mask in place when you sneeze in public. The rest of us thank you :)

    7. LGC*

      1) You don’t! If I remember, in China and Korea, they give you bags to put your mask in while you eat.
      2) You…sneeze? I’ve just tried to act like I had to sneeze pre-plague – I’ll still put my elbow over my face.

      And yeah, it’s rough. I’m soft-spoken myself, so it’s a pain in the behind for me to talk! Honestly, I try to avoid speaking as much as possible when I’m out in public because of it.

    8. Mimmy*

      Ahh of course you have to keep your mouth and nose covered when you sneeze. Yup, that’s the point of the mask.

      Oyyyy I promise y’all I didn’t mean to be thoughtless *facepalm*

      Thanks to everyone for the info and to All The Single Ladies for the link!

    9. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Thank you for asking the sneeze question. I’ve been worrying about what happens if I sneeze in public for weeks, now that it’s allergy season for me and I’m an allergy sufferer. Even with my mask on, when I felt a sneeze coming on in the grocery store a few weeks ago, I ran out of the store and nearly had a panic attack because I was worried I was going to incite a riot. I’m glad to hear that’s probably an irrational fear.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Last week, I happened to sneeze in a queue to pay for something. Everyone had their masks on, but I still got filthy looks and a “You need to respect the distance”. (I was)

        Sneezes aren’t always something you can control, especially not with a mask on.

  41. All the Single Ladies*

    My boyfriend broke up with me this week, and that’s been a little rough. I thought of our relationship as a long term thing and he clearly did not. I realize that I will get through this but right now it feels like I will never find someone else I click with. It doesn’t help that I live in an area where many people get married straight out of school. So sometimes I feel behind even though I don’t want to be married at this exact point in time.

    Anyone have any stories of meeting a significant other after there mid-twenties they’d be willing to share? Or benefits of being single I’ve forgot about?

    1. Aza*

      I’m not sure if this is old enough for you, but I met my husband when I was 27. I hadn’t been in really serious relationships before then- some casual dating and a few relationships where the dude led me on or didn’t want anything serious.

      After deciding not to keep seeing one of the leading on dudes, I decided to try online dating. I had this rule for myself that I’d keep going with a person until there was some sort of deal breaker. I decided to be more open than I had in the past. My husband’s profile wasn’t great, the writing/interests he posted weren’t compelling. His pics weren’t great- he had a crappy haircut. We messaged and I wasn’t enthused. But after we started talking on the phone and then actually met, I was like, oh this guy is cool, even though he has a bad haircut.

      Fast forward to 10 years later, we’re married with a kid. He got a different haircut :)

    2. MMB*

      You aren’t alone. I promise. I met my husband when I was 45 and he was 57. Neither of us had been married before and honestly getting married wasn’t even something either of us had ever been seriously interested in! I know you’re hurting right now and I hope you’ll use this time to pamper yourself a little bit while you grieve your loss.

    3. musician*

      I suddenly became single at 33 when a long-term long-distance relationship ended, and was pretty nervous about not having dated in years, let alone much at all. I then ended up with my current boyfriend (who is “the One”) within two months, after meeting through work (we’re both musicians, so there’s not really the workplace dating stigma) without having used any dating apps or intentionally tried to meet anyone at all. I know I got super lucky, but for me the “he’ll show up when you are least expecting” adage was true.

    4. Anon5775*

      I met my boyfriend when I was 38. I’m 45 now and I don’t know if we’ll ever marry but we did meet later in life, so it’s totally possible! Sending you good vibes!

    5. Queer Earthling*

      Not precisely what you’re asking, but possibly relevant: I literally never dated until I was 24. No high school dates, no college sweetheart, no random one night stands from the bar, nothing. Then I fell head over heels for the person who is now my spouse. Some of this is admittedly due to trauma and some neurodiversity & mental health issues, but there was also a lot of, “I like being single, so I’m not going to get involved with someone unless I like them *better* than being single.”

      I lived alone prior to moving in with them, and at the time I loved it. I liked the ability to eat what I wanted, when I wanted; to go out for a movie by myself; to play whatever music I wanted or watch whatever TV show; to not have to consult anyone else if I planned to hang out with friends after work; to hop on a bus and explore a strange part of the city with no one waiting for me. There were a lot of things that are just harder to do with a partner, not because they’re controlling or whatever but because of logistics and stuff!

      It also means that I was able to be a better partner when it got to that point, because I had a better sense of myself than I think I would have otherwise.

    6. Filosofickle*

      My partner and I met in our mid-40s — that might sound depressing, 20 years from the place you’re at, but it’s not to me. Three years in, our relationship is more than I ever thought possible.

      My 30s were great! I dated when I wanted to (which, honestly, wasn’t that often). Built a good life. Went to graduate school and pivoted my career. Gained a ton of self-awareness and self-acceptance. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m only capable of loving and loving so much because it took so long to find him and I went through all that.

      1. Filosofickle*

        s/b “loving and being loved so much”
        my brain and my fingers are not operating at the same speed today

    7. Generic Name*

      I met my fiancé when I was 38. I’m divorced and he’s never been married. Please don’t think of yourself as “too old” to find love, no matter what your age is.

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      My ex-boyfriend of almost 5 years who I definitely thought I was going to marry broke up with me completely out of the blue and I was devastated. We hadn’t had a fight or anything. He just decided it was over. I thought my life was over. I decided to take some “me” time and just become happy with myself. One year later I met my husband! Now looking back, my ex breaking up with me was the best thing that ever happened to me!

    9. Policy wonk*

      Met my husband in my early 30s, we have 3 kids. You have plenty of time. The key is to go out and do things (when Covid-19 lets us) so that you have opportunities to meet people. As one gets older it’s harder – not like in school years when meeting new people is built in. And enjoy being single. Do things you like when you want! I loved visiting museums on Saturday mornings and going to book talks at a place near me. I love my life now (moreso pre-covid) but wish I had the time to do those things.

      The key: don’t put your life on hold waiting for the perfect mate. Enjoy the life you have now. But keep your eyes open to the possibilities.

    10. Rewis*

      I know it may not feel like it at the moment but mid-20’s is still young. I think the average age when people meet their spouse is 25 for women and 28 for men. So there are plenty of people who meet after their 20’s (and adding second marriages, I’d say its even more common). Age and meeting someone is not somehting you have to worry at this time. Also, being single is awesome. Relationship is only worth it if it adds something positive to your life.

    11. Generic Name 2*

      I am a dinosaur. I met my husband through the “woman seeking man” classifieds of our local paper (that just tells you how long ago it was). I was 33 at the time. Neither of us had previously been married or engaged.
      We are still married and have a great marriage. It just goes to show that the Time Magazine old story about women over 30 having only a 5% chance of ever getting married was bunk – – if you are willing to wait to get married until you find the person who is a great match for you, your marriage will be better and you will have a much happier life. {But I will say that in the meantime being single and not dating much until your 30s kind of sucks.}

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I had friends who were both in their 70s. They had each lost their previous spouse. They found each other and stayed together until one passed well into his 80s.
      The opportunity to find love is always there. It never ends.

      As far as “being behind” yet conflictingly not wanting to be married, this is okay, I think you know that on some level. We only compare ourselves to our friends when they appear to have more or have better. Notice I say “appear”. Friends with a great income and a $1M house are now getting divorced. I would not want to be in their shoes for even a second. Their savings is shot, their income is gone and their lives are upside down from what I have seen right along. There is no repairing all this damage and they are gutted.

      Play the cards you do have to the best of your ability. Maximize opportunities that come up. I think this will help to counter-balance the feelings of “being behind” because you will be developing other things for yourself. Time used wisely and all that. But above all, hold out for the type of person you want as a life partner. Commit to getting yourself the best person you can find and putting some time in to doing that.

      I was widowed just before my 46 birthday. I am not saying this to make you feel sad. I want to tell you that a whole new chapter in my life opened up. I chose to remain single for the time being. My life is so very different from what it was when I was married. I decided I wanted to be a smiling person who went out there and did things. So I started right away. It was painful as I had to find a new life rhythm. I learned to say yes more often when people invited me somewhere. If someone wanted me to join a group, I’d put in the effort to check out the group. In some cases I joined the group. Although I went carefully choosing one thing at a time, I never stopped looking around and picking things. I have added so many friends to my life and I have done activities that I never would have done if I were still married.
      While not the same as what others are doing, life is good. Each chapter in our lives brings something that the previous chapters did not have. Expect it and look for it.

    13. Bluebell*

      Back when I was 28, a friend of mine joined a dating service and convinced me after 6 months to join it as well. I never met the first match up in person, but after about 3 dates with guy #2 I realized that I would be happy to marry him. We got engaged after about 3 months, and married a year after that. This January was our 24th anniversary.

    14. Jdc*

      Met mine at 35 and I had become quite happy being single. My now husband did a lot of wooing the get me to even consider dating him as I wasn’t interested in anyone. I’m sure glad I did although will probably be a bit note glad post quarantine ha

      1. Not a cat*

        54. I never met the one. Never will, as I haven’t had a date in 10 years. My last relationship was when I was in my late 30s. Where I live, all the age-appropriate guys are married or with partners in their 30s. I’ve learned to be OK with it. You’ll be fine. I promise.

    16. matcha123*

      Dude, I didn’t even get my first ‘official’ boyfriend until 26. I didn’t date in high school or college, not because I wasn’t open to it, but because I was really only ever approached by weird, older men. And dating anyone even 5 years older is something that honestly makes me ill at the though of.

      I could have taken the easy route and dated men who I knew I wasn’t compatible with just to stay I had a boyfriend, but what good is that? Being single isn’t some kind of curse. Having a boyfriend or a husband doesn’t make you worth more than anyone else. Of course it’s lovely to be with someone you like and who understands you, but there are so many people with SO’s that don’t care about them. I’ve experienced that. It is so depressing and lonely to have a boyfriend that makes no effort and doesn’t seem to love you at all. When I experienced that, I realized that being single offers more freedom. I don’t need to feel tied to someone who doesn’t care about my well-being, even when I invest time in theirs.

      It sounds like you live in a really small, close-minded town if everyone is getting married straight out of college and they are putting marriage on this weird pedestal.

    17. Arya Parya*

      My SO and I just celebrated out 5 year anniversary. I am 36. My only other serious relationship lasted from when I was 21 until I was 24.

      I always loved being single. I would probably be fine being single even now during the pandemic. I still sometimes miss the alone time, not having to take anyone into account when making decisions. Because of that I’ve always been very picky about who I date.

    18. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I had a couple of boyfriends in high school, then nothing but a few unsatisfying dates all through college, working for a few years, then going to grad school for an MA – over ten years. In fact one of the things I wrote on my pros/cons list when I was trying to decide whether to come to the UK for my PhD was “American accent might get me laid”. I came here a month before my 30th birthday, and met the guy who is now my husband on the very first day (so I guess the accent thing was true, LOL). That was 15 years ago.

    19. Jemima Bond*

      Out of all my friends I can think of precisely two who met their OH (now husband/wife/parent of their children in most cases) before they were 25. Several met their beloved after 30. I met mine when I was 35 and he was 45. Don’t sweat it! It must be hard surrounded by childhood sweethearts but that’s not really the norm across the board in western culture these days. Remember, it’s not a race, and others being married etc does not “use up all the marriage” and leave less for you :-D I’ve had to tell myself this quite a bit in the past so i feel ya!

    20. Clisby*

      I was 40 and my now-husband was 36 when we met. (Neither of us had been married before – the idea of marriage had never particularly appealed to me.) We’ve been married almost 24 years now.

    21. Nynaeve*

      Benefits of being single: you don’t have to consult anyone’s inclination but your own when deciding what to do. No compromise, no dithering about “well, I don’t know, what do YOU want to eat/watch/do?” All those annoying habits and hobbies of your ex, his terrible taste in songs/movies? Gone from your life forever! You don’t have to pretend to care about things you’re indifferent to. On the other hand, any new hobbies/interests he’s added that you want to keep? He doesn’t have a monopoly on those. Consider them his parting gift.

      Honestly, I do get lonely sometimes, but 1) I got lonely sometimes even when I was in a relationship and 2) even so, you couldn’t give me enough money to get back together with most of my exes. Even the good ones, it would be more, “Eh, I guess I could make that trade-off” than “At last, my life is complete!!!”

      Make yourself a good breakup playlist (I typed mixtape, hahahaha, OLD), give yourself time to grieve, and start putting the pieces of your life back together. It sucks now, so let it suck, but I promise it won’t suck forever. (PS: I recommend “Changing of the Seasons” by Two Door Cinema Club. It’s a great breakup song.)

    22. Paralegal Part Deux*

      My sister met her husband at 30 (he was 31), and they’ve been married 9 years now. My mom was 27 when she married dad, and he was 33. Personally for me, I prefer being single, and I’ll be 42 in October. I like the autonomy of being single – doing whatever I want, whenever I want. I don’t want to sound patronizing, but you’re young yet and have a lifetime to find someone.

      There’s no timetable to find someone and get married, and I say this as someone from the South (and who was told at 18 that I was an old maid for not being married). It’s weird down here for people to not be married and have kids.

      Take a deep breath and realize that you’ll meet the right person when it’s time. Call it fate or whatever, but I firmly believe you meet the right people at the right time.

    23. Mindovermoneychick*

      At 23 broke up with the guy I’d been with since age 18. It was weird and hard at first. Then it got fun. (Which was good because I was very single for the next 5 years) I felt strong managing life on my own. I got much closer to my friends. then when I met my now hub at 29 I wished I could put him on hold for a few years and still be single

      My hub is awesome and we’ve had a great marriage for 20 years not but the first year of marriage was very hard for me. At least as hard as that first year of being single. I had really grown to love my independence.

      For me the biggest advantage of those 5 years was it cemented friendships that still last today. I’ve made new friends since marriage but the for me have never been of the same depth or intensity of those forged as a single adult, because I already have a primary person.

    24. allathian*

      I was 33 when I met my husband. We had a mostly long distance relationship at first, when I only saw him on weekends because he worked in another town. Then he got a transfer to our current city and we moved in together. I was 36 and we decided after less than 6 months that we enjoyed living together so much that we wanted to try and get me pregnant. Luckily I got pregnant very quickly, not something I was expecting at that age. At some point in my second trimester I just said that it would be nice to be married before the child is born, and he was like, OK, let’s call city hall tomorrow. In my country more than half of all firstborns are born to parents who are not married, and there’s no stigma attached to that, except in some religious circles and we don’t want anything to do with those. As long as the father acknowledges his child, inheritance rights etc. are not affected by the marital status of the parents. We got married in a small civil ceremony with me 8 months pregnant and just our immediate families attending. Perfect for us and we’re still happily married 11 years later. I was just so happy to have the perfect excuse to avoid a big wedding, which neither of us wanted.

    25. Gruntilda*

      A great friend grew up with similar expectations about getting married young and having children–never thought of having a career because she thought she’d be married–and she is in a serious relationship with someone she met after age 30. They are happy together but dunno if they’ll get married, that’s not the point anyway, the point is to have fun.

      I recommend Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries to you, she’s an older lady who can’t be bothered to “settle down” because she’s always off on an adventure!

  42. Parenthetically*

    Y’all. My last grocery order they subbed a bag of those little sweet mild peppers for the one red pepper I requested and they are CLOYINGLY sweet, like inedibly sweet. Any ideas what the heck I could do with them?!

    1. fposte*

      Ha. I love those, so I may therefore not be a great guide. But I really like stuffing them with grated cheese and nuking them until the cheese melts. I recommend a small bowl so you can stand them upright (thus keeping the cheese inside when it melts) and letting the cheese cool a little before you bite into them.

      1. Bibliovore*

        omg. this may be life-changing! I’ve got little peppers. I’ve got cheese! Hey, interest in food. win, win.

      2. Parenthetically*

        I would give them to you if I could! But I do like the idea of stuffing them with something very savory!

    2. BRR*

      In a breakfast hash or with eggs, could use some hot sauce in either room balance it out.

    3. HBJ*

      Honestly, when we have extras of those, I just sub them straight across for regular peppers. I never noticed that much of a difference in taste that it affects the recipe.

    4. Nicole76*

      My husband really likes roasting them in the oven with just a little olive oil and salt.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You can use them as dippers – with hummus, ranch, guacamole, whatever kind of crudité you like. I use them as a healthier alternative to crackers or tortilla chips.

      I also agree cooked in a recipe they will be indistinguishable from a regular bell pepper.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Ooooooooooh!

        I actually have a bunch of random veggies from our Misfits box that might be great pickled!

    7. Courageous cat*

      If it’s those little hot sweet peppers I’m thinking of, I like to put some feta inside them and eat.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I WISH they were hot and sweet! They’re just sweet. Sugary, sickeningly sweet.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Dip them in hummus; stuff them with cheese, sausages, lentils-and-onions, or some combo of that, and roast them; roast them with olive oil, salt, and pepper and eat them plain or make a dip of them; chop them into a stirfry or hash, or make a goulash-type thing (maybe with some paprika),

    9. Not A Manager*

      If they’re really that sweet, don’t fight it. I would slice them up and saute them with some sliced onion, and season them with salt and pepper, a bit of apple cider vinegar, thyme or some other herb, and maybe a pinch of brown sugar. At that point you can taste it and see if you want to add some raisins or currents, or maybe some chopped nuts. Or maybe it wants something like brined green olives or capers.

      I’d be aiming for a tapenade/chutney kind of thing. Then serve it on toast or crackers with some goat cheese or feta.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Ohhhhhhkaaaaaay so, thanks to you, here’s what our “Fifth Anniversary of Getting Engaged” appetizer was (dinner is after we put the kids to bed, she writes while nursing a baby):

        a dozen or so of those super-sweet peppers, seeded and thinly sliced
        a large shallot, thinly sliced
        olive oil
        salt
        couple fat pinches turbinado sugar
        3 or 4 big glugs red wine vinegar
        small handful zante currants
        water to cover

        Saute the peppers and shallot in the oil with salt to taste. Add remaining ingredients and simmer gently until water is evaporated and mixture is jammy. Pour over chevre and serve with sturdy crackers (we used ry-vita).

        THANK YOU!!!

        1. Parenthetically*

          Crap, I suck at writing recipes, I forgot:

          fat pinch of red pepper flakes!

          It was soooooo good and perfect with the really light pinot noir I opened.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Sliced and (possibly sauteed if you’re up to it) then thrown in a soup, stew, gravy, casserole, omelette. Just about anything. I think I’d like them grilled and served with a steak.

  43. Family Tree*

    Has anyone done a DNA test/search through 23 and Me or Ancestry.com or anything similar that can say what you liked and disliked about the service? My mother would like to do one so I’m doing research into the options for her.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Just take it with a grain of salt. Yes, its fun. It can also be terribly inaccurate because of the lack of data for analysis. If you’re anything other than non-Hispanic white, you may have even more issues.

    2. Lost in the Woods*

      Word to the wise – you might find out something about your family that you might rather not know. I know someone who learned through one of those DNA tests that one of his siblings had a different father.

      1. WellRed*

        There’s been a whole new subset of letters to various advice columns dealing with uh, surprises.

      2. Chaordic One*

        I know someone who found, not one but, two half-siblings by his father and two different women other than his mother.

      3. Squidhead*

        I don’t know how much of this you can opt-in or opt-out of, but I know someone who did it and discovered that they were distantly related to someone whose son was inadvertently killed by one of their own family members. It basically said “you are related to Jane Doe” and the person knew who Jane Doe was because of the events involving their son. I would imagine it would be hard to even look at the ‘family tree’ display after that. And presumably Jane Doe would see some kind of ‘new family connection’ notification if she logs on…only to discover this. I’m not saying “Don’t do it!” but there might be some truly unexpected/unwelcome results.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There have also been some where the men had been sperm donors…some of whom had never thought to tell their wives because no one’s ever going to know. And when the wife finds out, the first reaction is that there was an undisclosed former relationship. That can get ugly quickly.

        1. Anonnington*

          Yeah, I imagine it’s wreaking havoc on the ethics and privacy issues surounding sperm donation. Before these tests were common, donors could expect to never have any contact with the recipients. And vice versa. And now it’s all being made somewhat public.

      5. Zooey*

        Agree with this. Because of ancestry my father in law found out he had a child he never knew about. You just have to be prepared to find things out you weren’t expecting. And these previously unknown relatives may reach out.

        Also there are security considerations. How okay are you with companies having your dna?

    4. Twinkle toes*

      Our local library has a class about genealogy and DNA tests, your might have info too.

      I know one concern should be security.

    5. Fikly*

      If you’re doing the ethnic/geographic origins part, just understand that it’s entertainment only – it’s very inaccurate.

      Also, my understanding is that both the services you mentioned have issues about hanging onto the DNA and what they may be doing with it/who they may be selling it to.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        one thing that people seem to forget about ancestry, is that even in the distant past people traveled. I had someone incredibly upset because the test told them they had Scandinavian ancestry and they knew they were oh for grandparents from Ireland. Apparently they missed the part about Viking raids and Scandinavian settlers. The Peter Paul and Mary song “All Mixed Up” is timely again (I don’t claim to know red-headed genetics, and this was written decades ago).
        “There were no red-headed Irishmen
        before the Vikings landed in Ireland
        How many Romans had dark curly hair
        before they brought slaves from Africa?
        No race of man is completely pure,
        nor is anyone’s mind, that’s for sure
        The winds mix the dust of every land,
        and so will woman and man.”

    7. NeverNicky*

      My mum did Ancestry.com and it has helped us resolve (as much as we can) the mystery of her unknown grandfather, and given us some more detail on family links. It confirmed some suspicions, but I have heard about others unearthing various skeletons!

    8. Qwerty*

      Most of them are very inaccurate. If you are interested in seeing what country you originate from, look for one that sends updates every year and take it all with a grain of salt. A group of siblings can all come back with different ratios due to how DNA gets passed down. Additionally, they base those percentages based on how you relate to current people in their system living in those countries, which doesn’t account for migration patterns as various groups moved across continents. Irish ancestry is one example that often has an overstated percentage.

      The suggested relatives part is also a lot of guesswork. Those people might be related to you, but the relationship is often miscategorized because the expected DNA match range for different relationships can be an overlapping spectrum, so the algorithm just takes a guess based on age.

      1. No bees on Typhon*

        A pair of identical twins have even had different results back from the same service!

        Genetics PhD here and despite my raging curiosity to get a good look at my own DNA sequence, I am not ever going to sign up for this kind of service due to the privacy concerns. Under current Canadian law I would be protected from medical/insurance discrimination if any disease susceptibility alleles showed up in my genome, but laws can change and that data would be out there forever. If I was in the States I would be even more hesitant due to how your health insurance system “works”.

        I would get my full genome sequenced to an actual meaningful quality if it became medically necessary, and I would try to get access to the raw sequence data at that point so I could play with it myself, but it’s a big fat NOPE to any of the private services.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          This is where I am at with them. I’ve always wanted to have my DNA sequenced and I’d like to get one of those cool karyotype images of my own chromosomes, but I don’t trust the private companies, or future governments, at all.

        2. Marie*

          Another Biology PhD here. I am personally holding off on getting one for all of the privacy reasons listed by No bees on Typhon above, even though I would love to see that data. What if the pre-existing condition rules go away if the ACA gets repeal? Could certain sequences be closely enough tied to disease to be considered pre-existing conditions? What if these sequencing companies get bought by another company (like an insurer) that would then have access to this data? Basically, your genetic code is some of the most private information you have, and it should not be given away lightly.

          In addition, it’s important to consider that by using these services, you are giving away parts of the genetic information of your close family members and your potential progeny. Their consent for this should be taken into account. I begged my dad to not get any of these tests done, because he is sharing half of my genetic information by doing so. He went ahead and did it anyways ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    9. Deanna Troi*

      My sister and I share a mother and we both did ancestry. We both found it to matched what we believed about our heritage to a shocking degree. We share a mother and have different fathers. Our mother has the most Irish of the Irishy names, first middle, and maiden. We know that the ancestors with her maiden name came to the US in the 1850s. We both came back with about 35-40% Irish. It even tells us what county in Ireland many of our ancestors are from. I did a little research and her maiden name (which is not super common, but you would probably recognize it is Irish if you heard it) is fairly common in that county today (ancestry did not ask me for my mother’s maiden name, so they couldn’t have matched it up that way). So far, so good. My grandparents came from Poland, and my results came back as me being 54% Polish. Wow! The rest of mine was scattered around Europe. Nothing earth shattering, but nice to know.

      My sister’s father is African-American. His family had always said they had some Native American heritage as well. Her results were about 60% European, 30% African, 5% Native American, and 5% eastern Asian (I rounded them). It was so cool and confirmed the family lore! Plus the eastern Asian was completely out of the blue! Neat to think that she has ancestry from four continents. The sobering part about her results, though, were that all of her African ancestry is from regions that were part of the Slave Coast. She had always believed that her ancestors had been slaves, but it is different somehow to have it confirmed.

    10. Jack Russell Terrier*

      My biggest concern is that they sell your data. 23 and Me made headlines that they were sharing customers’ data with GlaxoSmithKline. I don’t like that one bit.

    11. Pomona Sprout*

      I did mine with ancestry.com and ending up connecting with a guy in Engand who turned out to be my 8th cousin lor something like like that! We had a nice online chat, and he shared a bunch of pictures of distant relatives (though none in my direct line). I also learned that my grandmother’s name (Mary Agnes) was evidently a very popular name on that side of my dad’s family. It was pretty interesting.

      I have not done anything that checks your DNA for medical stuff. I was only interested in the genealogical aspects.

  44. AvonLady Barksdale*

    The hardest part of lockdown for me has been the lack of true alone time. I work from home anyway and really thrive when I have the apartment to myself for periods of time, but since my partner is also working from home now, it’s been a challenge.

    Well, right now, he is outside in the back alley of our building, lifting weights with a friend. He got a new piece of equipment this week and was all, “I have to tell my friend about this,” and I suggested he invite the guy over to work out. They are 20 feet apart, wearing masks, and doing their deadlifts and squats and whatnot, and I feel more relaxed than I’ve been in weeks. And my partner gets social interaction from someone besides me (he doesn’t do Zoom gatherings, I have about three per week). So nice.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      Yes, alone time and uninterrupted time. I find myself hanging out in bed in the mornings because nobody disturbs me then. Otherwise my time and focus are available to all.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Yes! Hiding in my bedroom, too.
        If Kirstin wants to monopolize the television in the living room, and bitch about the noise of the dishwasher, she can d**n well wash the dishes herself.
        At least the “Are you hungry?”, subtext “When are you going to make me lunch/dinner?” seems to have throttled down lately.

    4. Twinkle toes*

      I find myself hanging out in the bedroom a lot these days! It is hard to get time alone with even just the 2 of us here.

    5. Filosofickle*

      I wish I could give my partner more time alone. He visits his family every week so I get that afternoon to myself, but I don’t agree with his decision to ignore social distancing and therefore don’t visit my own people, so he doesn’t get equivalent time alone.

      There’s nowhere to go! I can go for a walk, but that’s like 40 minutes. Big whoop. I try to relocate occasionally so I’m not always in the living room. It’s hard.

    6. Ethyl*

      I feel you. I took a vacation to the spare room for two nights and I feel about 100x better. Idk what your living situation is like, but I feel I really benefitted from the physical and mental space. I couldn’t hear someone else breathing! It was so nice!

      1. Washi*

        Ahh I’m so glad to see that someone else did this! We live in a 1 bedroom so our “spare room” is actually just a 5x 7 space in the living room we closed off with bookshelves and utility panels and it has a futon and nothing else. But it’s truly been a lifesaver because unlike the bedroom, we don’t keep anything important in there, so when I go in and close the curtain door, it’s a place where I can truly be alone. I can hear everything, but my husband doesn’t need to pop in for things. I’ve spent a night there every couple weeks, and it feels amazing to have 12ish hours of complete aloneness.

      2. allathian*

        I’m a very restless sleeper and was single for much of my early adult life. I don’t think I ever adjusted to sleeping in the same room with another person, when that early stage of wanting to be physically as close as possible to my boyfriend/husband all the time, wore off. I’m 100% convinced that separate bedrooms saved our marriage, because when I don’t get enough sleep, I’m not pleasant to live with. That’s also, apart from my age and us both being fairly introverted, one big reason why we decided to have only one child.

    7. Stephanie*

      I’m really struggling with the lack of alone time, too. I work part time (at least I used to…I was laid off last week–not unexpected, and we’ll be fine financially because unemployment pays more than my job did), and I got lots of time alone in the house, Now, my husband is working form home, and both kids are here, home from college. I am not a TV in the bedroom kind of person, but a couple of weeks ago we put one of the kids’ TV’s (we have so many TV’s!) in our bedroom so that I had somewhere I could go and just veg out with the door shut. It helps, a little, but I still miss that feeling of being all alone in the house with just the dogs. Sigh.

  45. Anon needing human contact*

    I know this will probably be judged hard here, but I’m so happy my parents came to stay with me this weekend. I am an only child and we are very close. We currently live about 10 hours apart and see each other about once a month. Being apart during all this has been very difficult. I’m also single and live alone so the lack of human contact was getting to be very difficult mentally. We’ve all been doing everything we should by limiting trips, socially distancing, and wearing masks.
    There’s no indication anything will really change until there’s better treatments or a vaccine, and we could not go that long without seeing each other. Also, I think at some point we have to move on from what is physically essential (food, medicine etc) to what is mentally/emotionally essential. For me and my parents that was being together.

    1. Hazy Days*

      It sounds the same as the ‘bubble’ approach that they’re using elsewhere to support vulnerable or isolated people – you pick the other household in your bubble and limit interactions to them. I think there are a lot of people doing the same thing worldwide.

      Glad it worked well for you!

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, we did the “bubble” thing — my folks moved here last year to live close to us, my son ADORES his grandpa, and they literally live NEXT DOOR. Isolating from them was just not going to happen. But they’re the only ones we’ve socialized with in 2.5 months, and vice versa.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        I have done the bubble thing. One of my very dearest friends (think of her as sister) and I had begun a coffee hour / post church before the complete shut down, as part of the early “reduce contact.” We moved our share time to the patio and walks. We respected social distance. That regular contact (coupled with two zoom groups and my work from home) has kept me closer to mental health than I thought would be possible.

        We probably won’t be expanding the bubble any time soon, as she has an elderly mother. We have done a lot of mutual assistance as well – we buy groceries for each other every other week, so the store time is limited to 1x a month for each of us; any store run (like target) we call the other to see if there’s anything needed.

        The bubble has worked very well to give us support and processing time together. Again, YMMV, but my “family” was the key to my emotional survival. There were stretches I didn’t even walk the dog in the early days, and having a schedule for non-work activities, and time with her, made life bearable.

    2. Reba*

      Glad you were able to make it work. My sibling has gone to my parents this weekend. They took a lot of precautions and I’m happy for them. Where I live I can’t yet get tested and we just can’t fully hermetically seal ourselves off. So no travel anytime soon.

    4. Roja*

      We created a bubble with my mom too. She lives alone and is almost totally isolated… it’s just not healthy for her to remain isolated for such a long time. So no judgment from me!

    5. Not A Girl Boss*

      I’m glad you did what you needed to do. It’s important to balance different aspects of health – weighing risks of a sickness in the family with deteriorated mental health.

      My MIL (who lives alone and who’s two elderly parents have COVID and are quarantined in the nursing home) is clearly dealing with depression and anxiety due to all of this, and texts us every day saying how much she misses us but is TERRIFIED to visit us lest she ‘get us sick’ – except, we are healthy young adults and she does not have any of the risk factors and all 3 of us have been quarantined since the beginning. I’m afraid she’s never going to fully recover from the mental impact of being so isolated. And while I respect the importance of everyone doing their part, her level of terror is unwarranted and unhealthy.

      I did go visit my mom for mother’s day because I gave myself a UTI from not having access to TP and she found a 36 pack for me. We kept our distance and I washed my hands and changed my clothes when I left, and it felt amazing.

    6. allathian*

      If you and your parents have been socially isolating during this time, and it sounds like you have, you’re just expanding that bubble a little bit. Your parents are taking the bigger risk by deciding to travel, but sometimes mental health needs are more important than physical health risks.

  46. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I will be fostering a kitty, and if she works out will adopt her. Her name is Daisy, she’s 6, and is a muted tabby (striped). I’m about 80% sure she’ll get along with Arwen. The foster home she’s in currently is great, but there’s dogs and there is one dog in particular that has her very nervous and jumpy. Overall, she seems like a friendly little kitty who just has a problem with dogs that don’t leave her alone. I pick her up next week.

    Oh, and don’t pet the belly. It’s a trap.

    1. Selmarie*

      Ha — my cat would pay me if she had any money for constant belly rubs. Nowadays, she gets them many, many times a day. She’ll be disappointed when it will have to be cut back. But agreed, for most cats, it usually is a trap!

      1. Selmarie*

        Oh, and good luck with Daisy! They have a way of working their way into your heart and life before you can blink.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      Kitty bellies are usually traps! Though they present them often when happy.

    3. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have a chubby black cat named Daisy. She loves having her belly petted and scratched and will flop over on her back with the instructions: “You may now pet me until I bite you to stop.”

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        That’s my Arwen, minus the biting. I am the Boss, and I don’t permit biting or scratching unless under duress. Each cat I’ve had has their own way of communicating. It just can’t involve biting or scratching as the first method. I respect them, they have to respect me after all.

          1. I'm A Little Teapot*

            Every time there’s undesirable behavior, a firm “no” and a short period of not interacting with her gets the point across. Good behavior gets praise and if desired, petting. Consistency and firmness are key. I’ve had Arwen since she was 7 weeks old and she’s 12 now, so at this point I’m not educating I’m just reinforcing. The same techniques work for older cats, it just takes longer. When they’re babies, they are eager to please so its much easier to lay the groundwork. I borrow my discipline techniques from what momma cats do.

            With Daisy, I know she doesn’t want her belly petted right now, so I won’t push it. I will give her time to build trust and confidence with me, as well as adjust to the household and the rest of the rules. I know she’s a bit of a counter surfer, so I’ll have to work on that with her. As long as she allows me to brush and trim claws, then belly pets are optional.

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      Ah, Venus FlyCat.

      We are working out things with our half-grown kitten. The other cat ADORES belly rubs. We make jokes about paying homage to the Great White Belly. (She is a very rotund cat.) The kitten clearly wants to get belly rubs, but being a kitten, she also wants to play the game called I Have Five Pointy Ends. I think we’ll get there eventually as she grows up though.

    5. allathian*

      My parents had two cats until a few years ago. One of them didn’t seem particularly interested in belly rubs, two rubs and he’d turn away. The other loved them, until he didn’t. We quickly learned to read his body language, when he’d had enough he’d raise his paw, the next rub would bring it down on your hand. So when the paw went up, it was time to stop rubbing…

  47. Nervous Nellie*

    Happy/positive stuff thread! I’ll start. This week there were some nice little things that happened:
    1) My sister with whom I not close for many reasons, made a friendly overture and emailed me pictures of the masks she has been sewing. She is a quilter, so they are outta this world.
    2) On NPR.org, there was a serene and breathtaking article on some Russian folks who have been entertaining folks in lockdown by reenacting classic paintings by doing makeup, costumes and poses to mimic the originals. In some cases they are better than the originals.
    3) A downstairs neighbor hung a bird feeder near his door and now I have stern little male Juncos duelling at my front door balcony. They are so fierce – if they only knew how cute they are!

    I hope you all had some bright moments this week – we sure all need them!

    2. nep*

      Wonderful.
      I’ve been so heartened by the support and attentiveness of my eye doctor this past week.
      In all my adult life, have had precious few if any positive experiences with anyone in the medical profession. So for me to have a good experience with a doctor of any kind is huge. This man has been immensely supportive, and his being there has really reduced my stress. Grateful.

    3. Twinkle toes*

      I used the AAM approach for my HOA this week and it is going well.

      My mom and I are apparently estranged (she felt I estranged myself but really I just called her less) but she reached out and covid got us talking again. It is true that I am not eager to spend lots of time with her but I did not intend to cause a full on break and I’m grateful one good thing has come out of this for my family.

    4. Anono-me*

      BBC News articles about WW2 Veterans Moore and Hammond and their fundraising walks.

    5. Jamboree*

      I hung a finch sock mesh bag filled with thistle seed) outside my 5th floor apt window and have a very red finch (I think it’s called a purple finch but he’s very Very red) and a female (some but much less red) and I call them Big Red and the Missus. Sometimes Junior is there, too. It’s lovely listening to them chatter in the morning.

    6. Phlox*

      My grandfather died last week (very much expected and he had passed at 93 with Grandma present and as good of a death as death can be) so today I’m celebrating Grandpa Day as a way to honor him -and doing lots of things that I associate with him. So far I’ve had leisurely coffee in my bathrobe, picked up chicken for his favorite dish tonight, been overly chatty with strangers and next up is gardening. It’s a whole day doing fun things and remembering him, and it’s perfect.

    7. fhqwhgads*

      Is it dumb that these are my bright moments? This week I was able to obtain:
      TP
      Paper Towels
      Laundry Detergent
      All the foods on my grocery list (including flour)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Not silly at all. Insecurity over the essentials is very stressful. And it doesn’t get much more essential than food and personal hygiene.

  48. Arts Akimbo*

    Help! I have the most awesome robin nesting on my porch, but she startles and flies to the trees any time any of us come in or out the front door. Is there anything we could do to acclimate her to our presence, or at least startle her less? I’ve tried being quiet, and that REALLY freaked her out, LOL! Like she looked down and SUDDENLY A HUMAN!!! I’ve had many cardinal nests on one of our windows, but this is our first-ever porch bird, and the first-ever robin to have graced our house with her presence, and I want it to go well for her! (I love birds!!)

    1. Animal worker*

      You can set up a consistent warning method, and have everyone in the house use it. For example, before opening the front door from inside, knock on it and wait three seconds – the bird(s) will start to figure that signal out. When you are going to approach the porch from outside, pick a certain spot at a distance further than where she spooks, and use a verbal cue, something simple like “coming on the porch”, stomping your feet, or whatever. Then again wait a few seconds for the bird(s) to note your presence and let them decide what they want to do. They may choose to fly away (but as a choice not a panicked reaction) or they may orient to watch and stay put. The goal is that you warn them in advance, give them a few seconds to make a decision and choice of how to react, and only then do you proceed.

      It won’t stop the startling from other people (deliveries, etc.) approaching, but I’ve used this approach both with animals I’ve worked with in my career as well as wild critters, and it works like a charm.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Oooh, this is great, thank you!!! Yesterday I did a similar warning thing when I got back from my walk– as soon as I started up the path I said, “I’m coming in!” and she flew off, but not the panic flight and no alarm call, just a chill flight up to the neighbor’s roof. I have told my family your suggestions and we will signal her from inside the door from now on! :)

    2. Reba*

      Probably not! Feeding her would likely help, but since robins tend to eat insects and worms in spring/summer, that might be an unpleasant project.

      My parents had a sparrow actually nest in the decorative wreath on their front door! So, side door it is.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Ha, that is so sweet! :D Many of those decorative wreaths do look like comfy nesting sites, don’t they!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      She is distracting you away from her babies.

      Can you use a different door?
      It doesn’t take too long for the babies to get big and have flight. She will have to move them once this happens because the nest will be too small.]

      Because of life experience, I’d recommend just staying away from her. Growing up, my father was planting some flowers underneath a robin’s nest. He heard her squawking but thought nothing of it. When he failed to move out of her area, she drilled him with her beak. The back of his neck look like someone had stabbed him with a pencil. It was a deeper wound than I would have expected to see.
      My father was pretty philosophical about it. “I needed to move away from her babies, and I didn’t. So she did what she felt she had to do.” We stayed away and she never bothered anyone again.

      Just stay back. They won’t be there that long and then they will have to move because no one fits in the nest any more. I have two friends who have bird nests near their doors. I told them to stay back and that is what they are doing. Things are going well for everyone involved.

      1. Arts Akimbo*

        Wow, I never would have thought they could make such a deep wound, either! This bird hasn’t tried to harm us, but it’s good to know that this is a thing they do.

        Unfortunately it’s the only door we can use, so we’re going to try the signaling approach that Animal Worker suggested above.

  49. Nicki Name*

    Armello: anyone played it?

    Do you know where I can find a demo of it?

    The backstory and the art all seem cool, but I’d really like to learn something about the actual gameplay before deciding whether to spend $20-$50 for it.

    1. Anima*

      I played it an awful lot! The art is great, and the gameplay is decent. Think a board game, but in a fantasy setting were all heros are animals.
      It’s round based, so you will have a bit of downtime were you are not on. But you can’t leave either, because critters will make their moves and everything might be different for you afterwards.
      There’s four winning conditions: magical stones to clean the king, prestige victory, rot victory, and combat victory. This is sadly the down for Armello: winning gets old quick. But: every class has its own perks and downsides, so it’s alright! Got bored by one class+their best winning condition? Try another! There are frequent updates with new classes and characters.
      Once you’ve gotten the basic game mechanics (the cards can be tricky!), I recommend online multiplayer. It’s more fun with others, even if there is not exactly an in game chat.
      All in all: of you like round-based boardgames and fantasy settings, this one is for you! It’s well worth your money.
      P.S. The collectibles are neat, try to collect all the different kinds of dice!

      1. Anima*

        Oh, I just remembered: that’s not updates, but DLC. Not that expensive, but yeah, new classes cost money (sadly). But Armello comes with plenty of heros, for a start you don’t need the lizards.

  50. Fikly*

    TV show rec!

    There is a new season of Holey Moley on Hulu (and airing on ABC, I think).

    The best way I can describe it is mini golf meets Ninja Warrior. If that doesn’t give you an idea, on the first shot of the first hole of the first episode of this season, the golfer literally caught on fire.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve just finished watching the four seasons of Lucifer on Netflix and am mildly (read: hugely) obsessed with it. Tom Ellis is in it and I only know him as Gary from Miranda on the BBC and it was really weird for the first few episodes because I kept seeing Gary, not the devil.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Forged in Fire: Knife or Death – people take custom blades through serious obstacle courses. Great fun watching folks hack through wood, ice, fish, and more, with everything from a chef’s knife to a longsword. [I burned through all the dessert-making competition shows and went for something a little different!]

    3. GoryDetails*

      Just found a new one: Big Flower Fight on Netflix. Teams compete to construct huge floral ornaments; in the first episode it was insects, eight feet long or bigger, with live plants bedded into them, and the second involved making wearable (sort of) couture from cut flowers. Great fun so far.

      1. Fikly*

        Oh, excellent! I’ve been super excited for that, but haven’t started yet because I’m going to watch it with a friend.

  51. Box cake mix*

    Anybody modify box cake mix to change it up? Please share your favorite tips and tricks or websites.

    Also help on halving or thirding (?)  it because a full box mix is too much for my small household :)

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      Baked and frosted cake freezes marvelously well for 3-4 months, so if I were you I’d bake the whole thing, slice and freeze what you won’t eat in the next few days. Then you have cake on demand! It’s difficult to halve a boxed cake mix because it’s basically the dry ingredients already blended together, so it’s tricky dividing it when you can’t be certain what percentage of each ingredient you have in there. It’s easier to halve cakes from scratch.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Ooh, I always add a box of pudding to make it more dense/moist.

      If you don’t want a whole cake, bake as two rounds (like if you were making a layer cake) and freeze one. Or bake all or the second half as cupcakes and freeze as many as you don’t want out right now. That’s the easiest IMO.

      But if you had a good scale and are good with measurements, you could weigh out the proportion of the mix you want. Make sure to base your fraction on the number of whole eggs — if it calls for 2 eggs, divide the mix in half. If it calls for 3 eggs, divide in thirds.

    3. Nicole76*

      I just watched a lifehacks video the other day and one of the ones was how to make boxed cake mix taste like you made it from scratch. The suggestions were as follows:

      Replace the oil with butter
      Replace the water with milk
      Add an additional egg
      Then follow package directions as normal

      1. Blueberry*

        I’d only add an extra yolk — extra egg white can make the cake too tough by providing too much protein, and can make the cake taste too ‘eggy’ because of the sulfur in egg white proteins.

    4. Anono-me*

      I pretty much follow the directions. But I do use one Jiffy cake mix for small cakes.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have a mix for chocolate brownies and add some 70% chocolate chips to give it more chocolatey oomph.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Double the amount of fat and replace it with melted butter, use milk instead of water, and add an egg. Or do the same thing but use a can of pie filling instead of water!

      And agreed on freezing it!

    6. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Cupcakes! Either make a small cake and use The rest of the batter for cupcakes or make all of them cupcakes. Freeze what you can’t eat in a couple of days.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Boxed cake mix, the number of eggs it calls for, and one can of corresponding pie filling. Mix and bake per instructions on the box. Success has included chocolate fudge cake with cherry pie filling (this doesn’t even need frosting, and I usually consider cake as a method to convey buttercream into my face) and spice cake mix with apple pie filling. Lemon cake mix with blueberry filling turned out mostly okay in the end, but it looks bizarre and took twice as long to bake as the box said. I kinda want to try a white cake with strawberry filling, but haven’t done yet.

      Also! If you can find a pound cake mix that calls for water instead of milk (which is apparently uncommon? I have no idea why), sub out half the water for fruit juice. (I don’t know how well the sub would work if the recipe wants milk, is why I specify.) This is AMAZING with key lime juice (not regular lime juice), also super good with lemon juice. I kinda want to try it with pineapple juice one of these days. The key lime version is amazing with a drizzle of raspberry jam (thinned out with more key lime juice if you want). We tried it with espresso once too, but the coffee flavor wasn’t strong enough to be noticeable, and I haven’t experimented with it further.

      1. Red Sky*

        This sounds really yummy! I think I’ll give it a try this weekend. Just so I understand correctly, normally with this hack you don’t need to add water or oil, just the eggs and a can of pie filling to the cake mix and bake as directed? I say ‘normally’ because I’ll be using a gluten free cake mix and hoping for the best.

    10. Queer Earthling*

      We use it to make cookies. 2 eggs, 1/2 cup veg oil, add-ins like chocolate chips. Mix it to a dough instead of a batter, bake cookies at 350 for 8-10 minutes. Cookies are easier to portion than pieces of cake!

    11. fhqwhgads*

      Use white cake mix but add zitrus zest and fruit to make it more interesting
      Use jam in between the layers and only frosting on the outside (or lemon curd if you’re feeling fancy)
      Add chocolate chips or nuts
      Add herbs

      Not all of these at once usually, but any of the above depending on what cake mix I have and how far off it is from what cake I want.

    12. ThatGirl*

      Add vanilla, and if it’s chocolate, sub some cooled brewed coffee for the water.

      Here’s a hint: most home bakers can’t replicate the fluffiness of boxed mixes. I work for a baking supply company and we all use them.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Put pineapple and brown sugar into the cake pan. Pour the cake batter on top of that. Hey presto, pineapple upside-down cake.
      ( I haven’t done this in years though, so I don’t remember what you do about greasing the pan or not.)

  52. nep*

    Just blocked my debit card. Seeing a bunch of small-ish charges just posting today, with ‘FACEBK’ in the description line (with a bunch of other numbers/letters). Has anyone had charges like this? I’ve never been on FB, but in the past couple of months got on WhatsApp and Instagram. I don’t think it’s to do with those apps, though. I think someone compromised my card/stole the number.

    1. Rebecca*

      I had that happen with a credit card once – just a small charge, like $1.99, and the card company explained it was a test to see if they got everything right before the real fun started. They canceled the card immediately and issued a new card with new numbers. I was glad I spotted it.

      1. nep*

        That’s what I’ve heard/read also–tiny charges to ‘test.’ Glad I was looking at my accounts this morning and caught it for sure. It’s sure a relief to block it. (Game over, thief. At least with this particular card.)

    2. nep*

      (In any case, will be at my bank first thing Tuesday to address it…just curious as to whether anyone has seen similar unexplained ‘FACEBK’ charges.)

      1. Colette*

        I’d call now rather than waiting: there can be more charges (and bigger) before Tuesday. There should be a number on the back of the card.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      I had a similar thing happen a year ago with a Capitol One card. Someone charged exactly $130.00 at adidas dot com. I had the card shut down and a new one issued, but I still get alerts that an attempted purchase has been declined because the card number is no longer valid. A year later.

      I wish these people would just get a job.

      1. nep*

        Oh wow that is crazy.
        I’m really glad I caught it and blocked card before any large purchases were attempted. I must say I’m sort of reveling in the thought of the person(s) trying for the big charges and it not working.

    4. nep*

      I reckon thieves/hackers are getting more and more sophisticated at how they pull these things off, and I have no idea what happened in my case. But I did have an odd situation at a medical office earlier this week–a person said the card machine at the front was not working and she had to go do the transaction “manually” at another computer (which was in an office). Ummmm. I am not blaming her as I have no idea, but that was right around the time I started to see odd things ‘pending.’
      How close do the card fraud inspectors get to knowing who did it?

      1. nonegiven*

        I knew a woman that checked her accounts every day. She used her Discover at an urgent care clinic, it was the first transaction she had done in a week and the next day started seeing multiple online charges on it. She is sure the person that took her payment at the clinic stole the number.

        1. nep*

          Yes. When I was at same medical facility for something a few days later, the same assistant made the transaction at the usual station up front, with the doctor standing right there. If I had my suspicions then, I might have said, ‘Oh, you’ve been able to get that machine working–good,’ and watch her reaction…Again, I can’t know for sure, but something’s fishy.

    5. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

      COVID-19 seems to have caused an upturn in the amount of computer crime, with so many people and businesses scrambling to do WFH without adequate security. Not saying it’s your fault – it’s a bit like how not wearing a mask is a hazard for other people.

      1. nep*

        ?
        I was at a medical office paying for services–using my debit card as I usually do for such transactions.

        1. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

          So maybe some people who normally work at the dr’s office have been working from home, and they unwittingly unleashed some malware into the dr’s office network? Or perhaps the outfit that does the actual credit card processing didn’t properly secure some people who recently went WFH? I personally know of at least one large government agency that has been shut down for a week due to a ransomware attack (that was almost certainly the result of naive /unsafe WFH practices).

          Also, your information might have been stolen months ago and only recently come into the hands of a person who is attempting to use it for ill-gotten gain.

          2. nonegiven*

            Criminals usually hit cards right away because they are so easy to stop once you see the fraud, they are racing to spend ahead of you.

            It’s identity information they may hang on to for years before using or selling. Your name, SSN, and birth date don’t change.

    6. acmx*

      WhatsApp and Instagram are both owned by Facebook. I’m on none of them so I’m not sure if you would have used your card to set up purchasing on them. Most likely your number has been compromised. Sorry.

      1. nep*

        Yes–that’s what I meant about my concerns w those apps, as they’re owned by FB. I think it’s not related to those, but we’ll see.

        1. Laura H.*

          You have to input that info into an app, the app doesn’t mine that info. (Phrasing might be off but user input is usually required.) You should also be able to check for and unlink any payment info that’s associated with your account.

    7. Banker*

      Bank employee here. I would recommend you still call your bank and report it stolen. Even though you blocked it, certain types of transactions can still go through. This way they can completely block any incoming transactions and get you a new card ordered.

      1. nep*

        Thank you. I called the number I had, and the agent said they would block the card. No one will be available at the bank till Tuesday. I should call that number again and report it stolen to be sure it can’t be used? I didn’t know I missed an extra step–definitely do not want anyone to be able to charge anything. (I did see later today that one of my automatic monthly payments was attempted and was declined.)

        1. Banker*

          Yes, typically you need to say it was stolen to make sure all transactions are stopped. Hopefully your bank did this but I would recommend calling to verify if you aren’t sure. Most banks can do this, even over weekends or holidays because they know how important not is to stop fraud charges from sneaking through.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Yikes. Last year our joint account had two test transactions for Venmo both under $1. We shut down the account and I had to spend the most of my morning at work at the bank next door closing down the account, transferring the funds and opening hte new account. It’s a small amount but it’s terrifying.

      1. Sam I Am*

        Curious if you use Venmo yourselves, or if this was done without you ever using the app?

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I use Venmo but it’s tied to my personal account, not the joint account. There was no way the joint account could have been used.

  53. ALM2019*

    A few weeks ago in a gaming thread I had asked about playing Animal Crossing by yourself. Thanks to a few helpful responses I went for a switch lite and got the game. THANK YOU to everyone who replied. It’s so fun and has given me a happy little escape from everything else going on right now.

    1. Nessun*

      Glad to hear you’re enjoying it! I love to sit in the aquarium and just watch the fish; it’s very soothing.

  54. KoiFeeder*

    I got my lil spreadsheet with my home sleep study data back. Most of it’s stuff I already knew, lowest oxygen level at under 70%, highest level at 88%, number of apnea events, etc., etc… And apparently my mean resting heartrate was 112-110. Would’ve liked to know that one. I mean, it makes sense under the circumstances of my oxygen levels, but still!

    Insurance is still being garbage. The doc actually made a joke that it’d be a great thing when I turn 26 and don’t have to deal with them any longer. Apparently the wrong response was “they’ll probably have banned disabled people from getting health insurance by then,” whoops.

    1. Fikly*

      I really hope you can get that CPAP soon – you will feel SO MUCH better. I had such terrible stats from my study too, and I have no idea how I was functioning at all, though really, by the end, I wasn’t. I was sleeping, or attempting to, around 16 hours a day.

      I think during a six hour period of the study, I woke up over 150 times.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        The insurance does NOT want to do another study, especially not a in-lab study, even though this is a “we need to double check the numbers because this cannot be right, and if they are right then this patient needs immediate help” study.

        But the good news is that the lab was also pushing back, and now they’re coordinating with the doctor. So I’ll almost certainly get it eventually, it’s just a matter of how stubborn the insurance is going to be about this.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I had another thought for you and your doctor. I know a sleep doctor is not usually the one who would order this test, but could you get tested for cv19? There are some seriously low blood oxygen numbers associated with this virus.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            If I had cv19, low blood oxygen would be the least of my concern. I would probably be dead.

            More logically, I’ve been staying heavily isolated. I’ve only left the house twice, and that was because they couldn’t mail me the sleep study device and I couldn’t mail it back. It is highly unlikely, although certainly not impossible, that I’ve contracted cv19.

    2. Anono-me*

      Have you considered having the insurance company provide all of their records including notes, conclusions and who reviewed your request and qualifications?

      Maybe there is an error somewhere that is triggering this denial.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I think the “error” is that they’re hoping I’ll go away and die and stop costing them so much money.

        1. Fikly*

          +1

          My insurance said the medication that could stop my anaphlaxis was not medically justified.

        2. Anono-me*

          I don’t know if your theory is correct or not. I hope it’s wrong. But on the other hand look at home Medicare and the Home Medical Supply industry handle oxygen machine rentals.

          In any case, I still think it would be helpful to ‘formally request and then personally reviw copies of all of your records that the insurance company has’ to see if there are any disrepacys.

  55. Disco Janet*

    Anyone else with small children really struggling through this pandemic? Husband is an essential worker, so he’s away 60 hours a week, and it feels like my life has morphed into a nonstop cycle of trying to get my work done with constant interruptions because the kids are arguing (too much togetherness has led to constant bickering). I guess I’m just looking for some people to commiserate with – if I get advice like ‘go for walks!” one more time I might lose it. Because as soon as the walk is over we’re back to square one. We’re all going stir crazy and getting sick of eachother. Every time work talks about what school might look like in the fall I want to cry. I want to be safe and responsible, but this time is so tough for mental health, and my anxiety is in overdrive. And I keep seeing posts on FB like, “Your kids will look back at this time remembering how they got to spend so much time with their family, and just relax and have fun together!” Yeah, no. Super far from our reality here.

    1. Generic Name*

      My son is 13 and an only child, but I seriously am “what the eff’ing” at the Facebook posts about togetherness. There is so much burden placed on mothers to make their children’s childhoods happy and magical etc. It’s hard enough to raise children to be functioning adults and good citizens without worrying if an experience is sufficiently magical for them. Like seriously, we are living through a worldwide pandemic. It’s not a damn vacation.

      1. Parenthetically*

        “There is so much burden placed on mothers to make their children’s childhoods happy and magical etc.”

        HELL YES

      2. Jdc*

        Yes!! I love my family but if I have one more day of togetherness I may lose it. I told my husband regardless of what schools do come fall I’m dropping that kid off on the first day and that’s their problem. Of course I’m kidding but that’s about my headspace right now.

        Stepson is supposed to spend the summer with his mom but she of course has flaked on that as she does so many things. That means someone who would be happy to barely leave the house even when he could will have no time away until at least Spring break 2021. I honestly may move out before it goes that far. And that’s assuming she doesn’t flake on that. She didn’t take him the last break either.

        1. allathian*

          I’m so sorry. It can’t be easy for your stepson either, he’s probably feeling rejected by his mother.

    2. tangerineRose*

      If it helps, even with the stress and bickering, your kids might actually enjoy reminiscing about this time, which I know sounds odd, but I remember reminiscing about arguing with siblings during long car rides, where we probably drove our parents a little crazy.

      1. Disco Janet*

        Ha! I’m sure parts of it they will – much time has been spent having lightsaber battles in the backyard Our neighbors have been amused that often when they glance out their window (houses close together in our subdivision) they can see a little fully-costumed Darth Vader and Yoda duking it out.

        1. tangerineRose*

          That sound so cute!

          Do they like learning about animals? A lot of zoos are doing a lot of longish animal talks on facebook.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      My kid’s summer camp was just canceled for the summer. We are moving across the country and the camp was being offered by my child’s new school. They had already canceled June, but just canceled July. The city has reopened so I was hoping there could be just a couple weeks. I am so bummed. It’s another month with her and my two year old just trying to figure out how to get them through it. Neither of my kids has had any success with online learning (they’re really just too little–4 and 2). I honestly have overwhelming guilt about it and just basically have been doing non-stop screen time. My husband is also an essential worker. It just sucks. No two ways about it. I am here with you. If they cancel school for the fall or make it online, I think I am going to have a total meltdown.

    4. J.B.*

      WaPo had an article in the Lily about women backing away from careers. *Raises hand* (for now, part time). It’s utterly impossible. With some things reopening I did take kids to target at a slow time wearing masks.

      For us, days worked a little better when I got on the floor and played for a while after breakfast. I’m seriously looking forward to online school ending. Don’t know about fall, but I’m sure it will be an endurance test.

    5. misspiggy*

      I wonder if they’re old enough for you to tell them the bickering upsets you? It became such a norm for my brother and me that we were really shocked when my mum told us it upset her – like, this isn’t how things are supposed to be? We did dial it down after that, although some of that involved more solo play.

    6. Nita*

      I get it. My family has gone through phases where one of the kids needs way more time and attention than I can give them as a working mom. And you’d think they would be over the moon to not have me at work any more. But it’s too much of a good thing, and they know it’s not for a good reason. They miss their friends, they see the empty subway trains going past the window, they hear the ambulance sirens (thankfully not so many now, but more than usual). They’re used to getting half the class together for soccer after school, not to going outside once a week and keeping as far as possible from people. They’ve gotten yelled at for innocent things like rubbing their eyes outside, or trying to play too close to someone else. Don’t even get me started on going from learning from a teacher, to learning from a Powerpoint presentation and putting in 6+ hours of screen time a day. None of this is normal and none of this is worth having mom and dad home every day.

    7. Lady Farquaad*

      My kids are slightly older. During lockdown I was grateful every day that the plague didn’t happen a few years earlier. I…can’t imagine doing this with small children who aren’t old enough to be kept occupied by six hours of Minecraft.

      I love my children to bits but having them there 24/7 was, um, not ideal. I missed even being able to wash the dishes in peace without small humans running around spilling stuff or rearranging furniture or screaming at each other.

      There isn’t any practical solution here. Being in a pandemic with kids sucks. Do what you can to survive. If it means they eat cereal for dinner every day and only get bathed every other week then so be it.

    8. echidna ecchymosis*

      I have a three-year-old who is beside herself that her parents are home all day but spend a bunch of our time not giving her our attention because we have to work. She talks all the time about how much she misses her friends at daycare, and all the other kids (and adults!) she knows. She’s bored of all her toys. We’ve done every activity possible a hundred times. We go for a walk every day, except it’s pretty much the same walk in the same place with the same sights and that’s boring too. My spouse and I are really stressed out and definitely not at our most patient and kind. Nobody in my house is going to look back on this time with fondness.

    9. ONFM*

      I am! Husband and I are both essential workers. Before, we worked opposite shifts on different days, and one set of grandparents helped out once per week. Now, no school, no grandparents, but still work outside the home. My husband is really struggling in dealing with clients who aren’t taking anything seriously, and I’m utterly failing at home schooling. I never get time “off.” Doesn’t help that the neighbors are still treating this like an extended spring break (bbq picnics in the street, pool party Friday night). This is all just so hard. One of them keeps posting “If you don’t come out of this better, it’s your own fault” messages. I don’t think we’re going to be friends when this is all done.

  56. Flaxseed*

    About 10 years ago, my mom had to have her colon removed and she has an ileostomy. She often rests her hand on that side of her body. I ask her if she has pain or issues with the medical supplies that she uses, but she says no.

    I guess it bothers me more than her, but for anyone out there that has this or knows someone that has this, is this common? I just worry that there are other things going on and she’s not telling me. I know that you can’t speak for my mom, but I’m just wondering if this is common with this type of surgery/procedure.

    1. Generic Name*

      She might be instinctively and unconsciously protecting the area. Much like pregnant women rest their hands on their abdomen. I mean, she has a hole in her body where there normally isn’t one, right?

    2. fposte*

      I agree with Generic Name; especially if your mom had pain before getting the ileostomy, it’s pretty natural to protect a vulnerable part of the body, and hands have to rest somewhere.

      More broadly, I think you can ask her once or twice when you see a possible sign, but then you have to accept your mom’s answer and let it go. Much as we want to take care of our mothers, it’s ultimately their call what they do and whom they inform. If the pre-ileostomy period was a hard and scary one for you, maybe that’s informing your focus on this now, but it really is possible for this to be a thing she does that isn’t a sign of trouble.

    3. Squidhead*

      It also may be a habit she’s developed to monitor when the bag will need to be emptied/vented.

  57. Reluctantly Hermione*

    That privacy exam I mentioned earlier? I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    …and, which I promised myself, ordered a beautiful ring with a multicolored gemstone. Time to read all the Harry Potter my heart can handle!!!

  58. Anon for this*

    I wonder if it’s okay to have a meta-discussion about the open thread. I have some questions and am interested in others’ opinions/experiences.

    At what point does the open thread become a substitute for therapy/extra help? Are there or should there be established rules when this threshold is crossed?

    For example, there have been some troubling suicide-adjacent posts, some of which were removed. Others have not been. These seem fairly serious.

    Additionally, I have seen a handful of regular commenters devolve in my years as a reader. Some come back repeatedly, with no apparent movement towards healing in their own lives. They use the open thread as a validation zone of sorts. Others seem to be spiraling in unhealthy ways and are using the open thread as a place to seek help (I think?).

    So my question is, what responsibility is there to be a “this is not a mental health support group”? Obviously there is nuance here. I personally find it extremely troubling to see people use an online forum to avoid addressing their real problems in real life, but I understand I could be overstepping or blowing this out of proportion. Anyone have a thought to share?

    1. pancakes*

      I think it would be appropriate & probably a great idea to have a conversation like this about a discussion board moderated by multiple people or a community, but this is a blog written, edited, and maintained by an author and I think it’s solely her business.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yeah it’s up to Alison, though I do get worried about some of the commenters on here. On one hand, I understand that a lot of people have little to no access to resources (esp if in the U.S. with our shitty healthcare/mental health care system), and they just need an anonymous sounding board with a generally compassionate, helpful community. Sometimes I find myself reading things I wish I hadn’t read, but these people probably need this platform more than I do.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          I completely agree. Places like this may be the only resource available to people.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I’m not sure I follow this argument. Certainly, there are practical limits to what one person can do compared to a board of moderators, but that shouldn’t change the answer to the (essentially moral) question of *whether* something should be done, like posting a sticky such as what I suggest below (with mental health hotlines for people considering self-harm)

    2. Not A Manager*

      “I personally find it extremely troubling to see people use an online forum to avoid addressing their real problems in real life.”

      Have you asked yourself why this is? Is it because it causes you discomfort to see people in distress? Is it because you give good advice or get invested in the outcome, and then you are frustrated that there’s not the outcome you wanted? Do you feel that the once-weekly threads are somehow “enabling” these people to make bad life choices?

      It’s an occasional chat with strangers. It’s neither the cause of people’s challenges, nor is it probably the main effect of their challenges. People who can’t cope IRL aren’t going to suddenly start coping better because you remove the “crutch” of a Saturday chat. People who avoid their issues by posting on Ask A Manager can certainly find other places to avoid their issues if that’s what they choose to do.

      I think whether Alison allows these kinds of posts or disallows them is functionally irrelevant to the outcome in the posters’ lives. What disallowing them would do, IMO, is remove what might be a significant source of momentary comfort and connection. And to what end?

      1. AnonNow*

        When it’s the same people week after week with the same problems and they seem unwilling to actually help themselves, that’s far beyond a “casual chat with strangers”.

        1. TM*

          I disagree but what do you suggest, that Allison read every comment on every post and track who seems unwilling to get needed help and then cut them off? That’s far outside of the scope of her site or the point of a comment section.

        2. nep*

          ‘they seem unwilling to actually help themselves’
          I feel like this is trolling, but I’ll respond: Really, what can you possibly know about what someone is doing to address this or that in their life?

          1. Drive By*

            We only have their words and if those words paint the same picture week after week, isn’t it fair to say the person isn’t really trying to change anything? It’s different if they discuss what they’ve tried and why it isn’t working, but if it’s the same script for weeks on end, what else can one think? And if they are trying in their real life, why keep coming back and presenting as though they’re not?

            1. Not A Manager*

              Maybe because they have mental health challenges and/or structural life challenges that get in their way? “You’re not doing enough to help yourself so I want to remove anything that might soothe you in the present” isn’t very… charitable.

              If you don’t want to engage, don’t engage. Other people are willing to.

            2. Fikly*

              That’s why the judgement of strangers is so often inaccurate. You don’t know anything other than your interpretation of what they are telling you.

              I have had people I was actively living with shame me and blame me and tell me I was doing nothing to deal with my mental illness, when I was fighting with everything I had.

              So with all due respect, you have no idea what you are talking about.

              As to why they are coming back, it has nothing to do with you. They are very likely coming back because they find it helpful to them in some way.

            3. Observer*

              We only have their words and if those words paint the same picture week after week, isn’t it fair to say the person isn’t really trying to change anything?

              Not at all. Because you really don’t know what else is going on, what they are doing and why, what is being done to them and why, or what their capacity is. It’s very rare to get the WHOLE picture, in a few paragraphs.

          2. NoLongerYoung*

            Nep, I agree.

            We do not know where someone started from, the progress they have made, or what steps they are taking. It is not for me to judge. I give an encouraging word when I can; if there’s something not relevant to me, or my mental place is not good for deep reading, I collapse the comments and skim over.

            I won’t use mental health as an example, but I had a huge weight issue. (I weighed more than 2x what I do now). It was not easy to address. Those judgmental people who assumed I didn’t know how to eat, how to exercise, wasn’t trying hard enough, etc etc…. they did not know me. It took me years and years of work to get to where I am today. And – more importantly – patient and kind people who met me where I was, stood along side me, and encouraged me gently. Even when I was getting bigger, my great friends stuck with me and my online community helped and morphed.

            At any one snapshot in time (even a year clip), I was not making progress. But I was. I had a lot to overcome. (some of which I am still working through).

            That’s a nice way of saying – don’t judge. Skip what is not relevant to you. You are not walking in their shoes.

        3. Observer*

          As noted below, you really have no idea as to what people are doing or not doing.

          You are also ignoring the fundamental point that Not A Manager is making. Why are you so troubled? What makes you think that if Alison took the time and effort to ban those posts, anything would change? What is the moral argument for depriving people of comfort when you have no reason to think it’s going to make a difference?

        4. pancakes*

          I’m not sure that encountering a stranger who doesn’t seem to “help themselves” in the comments section of a blog should be more troubling or oblige anyone to take action to an extent that encountering a person who doesn’t seem to “help themselves” in day-to-day life does, if that makes sense. Or to take different action. I mean, if you’re loosely acquainted with someone who seems troubled in this way, what do you do? Do you think it’s more helpful to try to help them directly if and when the opportunity to do arises, or to try to establish rules around engaging with them with third parties?

      2. Misty*

        “What disallowing them would do, IMO, is remove what might be a significant source of momentary comfort and connection.”

        I’m someone who has posted (I think a couple of weeks ago?) asking for people to think of me that week when I was having a hard time. I didn’t feel that I could tell my roommates what was going on (as they were some of the source of my distress ) but for some reason when I did end up in the hospital for five days to deal with my panic attacks, it brought me great comfort to think that maybe someone out there was thinking of me.

        Is that dumb? Maybe. Probably actually. I mean you’ve never meant me. I’ve never met you. This is online. We will never likely meet. However in that week, it did make a difference *shrug* And now that I’m feeling better, I hope I could give a little comfort or support or advice to someone else if ever possible. But I take everything online with a grain of salt. This is just my experience.

        1. Drive By*

          I’m not sure anyone would consider that using the weekend thread for therapy. You weren’t asking for medical or psychiatric advice, you were asking for people to keep you in their thoughts. And it was a one-off. This has to do more with people who every week come in asking for the same help/advice, receiving it from the commenters, seemingly not doing anything with it., and coming back the next week to repeat the cycle.

          1. Misty*

            Oh sorry, I guess I misunderstood then. I thought it meant just mental health discussions in general.

    3. TM*

      I think you are too invested in casual conversation in a blog’s comment section. (I also thought this about the person complaining in the work open thread that a commenter was using a different commenting name. And also about most other complaints about what other commenters here do. Why care so much if it’s not directed at you?!?!?)

    4. Disco Janet*

      I think this is a valid question. And it’s not even just limited to online! Like when you have a friend in your life who constantly complains about the same things, but isn’t seeking help or trying to change the situation, it gets exhausting to have them asking for advice (that you know they’re not going to take) over and over. We all need to vent sometimes, but I do think there is a line. I don’t know what the answer is, but I agree that it’s a legitimate concern and do not agree with the ‘why do you care’ comments above. I’m assuming you care because it’s troubling when you think someone needs legitimate outside help and isn’t getting it!

      1. Not A Manager*

        But your friend is exhausting TO YOU because you engage with your friend. Why on earth would you allow yourself to get exhausted by an online forum? If people are bugging you, don’t engage with them.

        1. Disco Janet*

          Eh, I think this depends on the person. Some people can scroll right on by and not think about it. Other people have a hard time seeing someone who needs help and scrolling by.

          1. Observer*

            Why should Alison a. expend the energy and b. deprive someone of something they find useful so that you don’t have to scroll on past?

            This is not about caring for others. It’s about your personal comfort. Which is fine, but let’s be honest.

            1. Disco Janet*

              Okay, you’re right. It makes me uncomfortable to see people who are making terrible life choices and using this as their blog about all their terrible choices continue to receive validation from the group when what they really need is a wake up call. Either wake up calls need to be allowed (not mean ones, but right now if you’re at all negative towards these you’re typically told off), or some people need to be asked to rein it in.

              Or there’s what I’m sure your suggestion will be, which is for me to stop reading the comments. But I’ve been reading for years and used to love them – and I think I should be able to express that I’m unhappy with the change.

              1. Observer*

                I have no problem with people expressing their dissatisfaction, at all.

                Just, please let’s not dress up personal discomfort as “concern” for others. Your discomfort is legitimate, in my opinion. What is not legitimate, and what I am objecting to is the claim that others are making that their real concern is for others (which is sanctimonious and dishonest) and that Alison has some sort of moral obligation here to cut down on this. She doesn’t. Morally, how she handles it is (almost) completely up to her.

                1. Amity*

                  I think it can be both at the same time: discomfort doesn’t mean you don’t care about the person reading. I mean, if someone had a severe intestinal flu, I’d be concerned for them (wouldn’t want it to get worse, would hope they’re better soon, etc). But I wouldn’t want a graphic description of their symptoms!

              2. pancakes*

                It makes me uncomfortable to think about interaction between commenters on a blog as “validation.” I know that’s a popular word but I don’t think it’s the right framing. It’s generally not possible to know someone intimately enough to assess their inner life to that extent by reading comments they’ve left on a blog, and there’s something unseemly about people who aren’t friends of theirs (or friendly with) trying to.

    5. nep*

      I sense that no one is using this forum ‘to avoid addressing their real problems in real life.’
      Also, seems to me it would be redundant for an author of a forum like this to note ‘this is not a mental health support group’ or the like.

    6. AnonNow*

      I agree with you 100%. I never come here anymore because the same people constantly complain about the same issues, and seem to make no progress. I came here for job advice, not to be vented at week after week. It’s not fair to dump emotional labour on the same people over and over again.

      1. TM*

        You can just scroll past those comments, you know. No need to perform any emotional labor if you don’t wish to. It’s a comment section, you are required to neither read nor respond to everything. It’s very strange to expect every post on a non-work **free for all** will be to your liking.

        If you come here for job advice it makes sense to avoid the weekend no-work thread anyway.

        2. Drive By*

          I think most of us come here expecting “free for all” to be the usual crowdsourcing questions about baking or gardening. Or, the posts that are “What are you reading?” “What are you watching?” that kind of stuff. Maybe some venting about parents, spouses, partners, friends, or kids. I’m not sure anyone is expecting it to dive into deeper, darker stuff that is above the paygrade of an anonymous reader. So what’s better? Having a policy limiting those types of posts or allowing those posts to continue and getting/giving bad advice or no response at all? I think that’s the real question. A lot of sites don’t even allow questions related to medical or psychiatric advice.

          1. Fikly*

            So you’re complaining that threads about mental health appear all the time, but at the same time, you’re saying that you only expect the “usual” posts that are not about mental health.

            This seems very contradictory.

      2. Kathenus*

        “I never come here anymore because the same people constantly complain about the same issues, and seem to make no progress.”

        Ummm, you’re here now though…

        1. Misty*

          +1

          The good thing about the “open thread” is that it’s clearly labeled as an open non-work thread so if you’re someone who only comes to talk about advice for jobs, you can avoid it. Where as I usually don’t go on the work open thread unless I have an actually question to ask there.

      4. Kiwi with laser beams*

        OK, I say this as someone who learned this the hard way myself: you have to recognise that if you want everything you read to be to your taste, you have to be proactive about screening it, and that means you sometimes have to sacrifice reading other stuff you might have been interested in. I’ve left three sites because the content was repeatedly stressing me out so much that it wasn’t worth it to stick around. In your case, there shouldn’t be much of a dilemma – you’re here for job advice, so read all the other posts and stay away from the free-for-all.

      5. Observer*

        You’re here…

        Skip the Sunday threads if they are too much for you, or even if you just don’t like them.

        But it’s no more fair for Alison to ban these threads for your comfort than for her to leave things you don’t like up.

        And certainly you have no standing to complain that it’s “not healthy for them” because it’s “not fair” to you.

    7. Gatomon*

      No forum is ever going to be a substitute for professional help, but I disagree that the thread is being used a substitute for therapy. The level of support delivered here will never equal that of a therapist even if that was the goal this forum strived for. Having a therapist as a sole support system isn’t healthy either, and receiving some support via an online forum is a valid and helpful to people. Sometimes we just need a little help from someone outside of our circle and it doesn’t really warrant going through establishing care with a therapist.

      Yes, this isn’t the place to handle suicidal ideation, and I think Alison has done a good job walking that line. I wouldn’t want to silence someone reaching out for help, even if it’s the not the right venue, but I assume that the ones that were removed were too explicit or graphic to remain. What we can do is to let that person know they’ve been heard and that there are people out there who can help them, and encourage them to reach out via those avenues for assistance.

      I don’t think we can force others to heal, move on or progress on our own timelines. There are many possible valid reasons someone might continue to struggle with an issue for an extended period of time. I’d recommend skipping past those posters if that’s how you feel.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Than you for this lovely, thoughtful, and sensitive comment. I thoroughly agree.

    8. LGC*

      I think that – like – if someone is going to self-harm, then yeah, that’s definitely a bright line “stop the discussion and get help immediately.”

      But beyond that? I actually disagree that “this is not a mental health support group!” Insofar that…like, the weekend FFA isn’t supposed to be anything specific other than a non-work discussion. Some people may not be coping adequately in numerous ways. But I don’t know if we’re able to fully judge that in many cases, and I’m not sure if there’s a way to “force” them to get the help they need without being overbearing.

    9. Thursday Next*

      I’ve also been worried when I’ve seen posts in which people are contemplating self-harm. I think that’s a natural response to feel troubled when reading about that level of distress, and I agree with Anon that it’s worth discussing.

      I don’t know whether there should be a sticky with resources on every open thread, or commenting guidelines, or consistent removal of these posts. There are probably other ideas as well.

      1. Cat*

        Yeah, I think it’s weird that commenters are saying other people are too invested in a blog’s comment section because they find it distressing to see people who appear to be suffering untreated mental illness not getting support for it, threatening self harm, or suicidal ideation. Those are objectively distressing things. You SHOULD be upset when you see those. I’ve been thinking about a post a few weeks ago where a poster nonchalantly considered what seemed to be to be an extreme and dangerous level of self-mutilation. That is a distressing thing to know someone is considering and to read the details of. In real life, you can try to help the person seek resources but that is not really possible here.

        1. Fikly*

          Theres’s a difference between x is distressing, and I can’t handle the amount of distress I feel when I read x.

          If you fall into the second category, it is your responsibility to keep yourself safe.

          And in real life, you often cannot help the person seek resources.

          I worked for a crisis line for 3 years. Beyond talking to the person, we pretty much couldn’t do anything. Yes, in extreme high risk cases, we could report their phone number to our best guess as to local police/emergency response, but if the person didn’t want to be found, well, most of the time we had no idea what the outcome was regardless.

          You have to be able to deal with it. Or else you protect yourself by not exposing yourself to that kind of situation. There is a difference between going into, say, a restaurant when you have an allergy that isn’t triggered by inhalation and asking if you can be accommodated, and walking into a Thai restaurant when you have an inhalation peanut allergy and then getting outraged when you have a reaction. That’s on you.

          1. Cat*

            So you think this work advice blog is somewhere where you should expect to read detailed musing about self-mutilation? The way you expect peanuts in a Thai place? Okay. I guess we really have nothing to say to each other because I think that’s absolutely bizarre.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              That would concern me and I’d put it in the same category as I did with suicide threats below. If it was recent, can you link me to where it happened and I’ll take a look? (But if I’m understanding correctly, most of what’s being discussed here is not in that category.)

              1. Cat*

                It wasn’t particularly recent – probably about a month ago. I would have reported it then but saw it at the end of the weekend so figured it was better to let it lie.

                But in general, I do think most of this stuff is along a spectrum and there seems to me to be an uptick in the extreme end of that spectrum – including suicidal ideation, which yes, does get deleted when explicit. It seems to me that this open thread has gone from a place where people chatted about books and gardening and maybe vented a bit — or even asked discrete questions about things like antidepressants — to one where people who are really struggling chronicle their lives on an ongoing basis. And that has encouraged this being a place where people can dump their suffering onto the page.

                I’m not saying that’s illegitimate, per se, though it doesn’t seem to me that the kind of support provided here is likely to be helpful for many people, as opposed to be unhelpful validation of bad patterns. But from what’s being voiced here, I suspect that I’m not the only regular reader (about a decade for me, I think) who is finding these threads to be increasingly toxic and to also find that spilling over into the comments on the weekday posts.

                This IS your site and you do get to set the rules. I’m not trying to come off as dictating – but I do think it’s worth honestly expressing that the comments section I once found very valuable is, to my mind, being hijacked by a few vocal people and becoming more and more of an echo chamber.

                2. Anon for this (thread OP)*

                  Cat, that’s putting into words my original sentiment. Thanks for articulating it so well.

                3. Millicent*

                  I think Cat has phrased this really nicely, and pinpointed why I have also started feeling less interested in reading the comments.

                4. anony*

                  I’m genuinely curious–how would you solve that? Do you think the weekend posts should ask people to avoid serious mental health topics? That feels uncharacteristically heavy handed for this web site to me.

                5. Misty*

                  If there was a guideline to avoid serious mental health subject, it would have to be pretty clearly spelled out. I think it does make sense for people to consider how what they post could affect others but it’s always harder to do that in the moment than it might seem (for instance, if you’re in distress you’re more likely to say something distressing than if you are okay and thinking clearly). I think it’s good for all of us to be aware of though. Now that I know that it bothers people, I will be more careful with what I post in the future.

                6. TechWorker*

                  I am honestly confused by what you mean by the phrase ‘echo chamber’ here? I don’t read *every* comment on open threads so maybe you’re seeing something I’m not but I’ve just… not seen that at all?

                8. Peasblossom*

                  Thanks for saying this. I’m a long time reader (since at least 2014) but infrequent commenter, and I’ve been seriously considering stopping all reading of the site. Not because I don’t find it valuable, but because of how the trends you’ve described impact my own mental health.

                9. Sunset Maple*

                  100% agree. I used to make AAM a daily read. Now I find myself stopping by only occasionally, when I can muster the mental fortitude to wade in.

                10. ELM*

                  Exactly. I used to read this blog every day. These days I find myself having second thoughts if I decide to read comments, and do find it easier to avoid them. The endless repetition of themes and replies from the same few names creates an echo chamber and I prefer to avoid this. It also means I read the blog a lot less.

                11. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

                  I first found this site almost 10 years ago, to help me deal with a really awful micromanager situation. I read it religiously, daily, and learned a lot.

                  I dont know if its necessarily an echo chamber (although I definitely see where people are coming from as I have noticed it as well), but the last year or two I’ve found the open posts comment sections less valuable as they do seem to have shifted towards an angle I am not comfortable to give a lot of my emotional energy towards, especially on a weekend. Perhaps I have outgrown the site or its a mental shift from dealing with some heavy, heavy stuff in real life, but its been disappointing to see. People tend to be more open to air all and sundry about their lives now, and this community has been going a long time so that it can seem like people ‘know’ each other, maybe those have been the drivers.

                  I’m not sure there is an answer here, other than self-moderation (skipping posts that aren’t relevant, or thinking before one posts), but I think Cat really put her finger on it here and I am glad to see that a) someone was able to raise this and b) others agree.

      2. Senor Montoya*

        Agreed. It’s troubling. I’m sorry that the OP is getting slammed for bringing it up.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Sometimes it’s easier to vent or talk to a relatively anonymous board that for the most part provides compassionate and helpful advice.

      It’s easier to vent to an anonymous board or ask questions in a group because if something doesn’t apply to you or you don’t have the time/capacity to answer, you can ignore it and move on. Whereas with friends, it could put them in an awkward position of having to listen or answer.

      And frankly some people just don’t have the support system or can’t talk to friends about certain things. Or, like me, last therapist didn’t’ work out too great and not in a great position yet to find someone new.

    11. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It’s a comment section with a very large group of strangers from all over the world. People will post all kinds of things that won’t be your cup of tea. If someone’s posts are bothering you but not breaking any of the site rules, I encourage you to use the “collapse comments” feature and scroll on by. If that doesn’t work, I encourage you to take a break from the comments and/or the site as a whole (particularly the weekend threads, which by their nature are more free-wheeling). There’s no requirement to participate!

      I do remove suicide threats when I see them (but leave a suicide hotline number for the person) because a lot of experts believe it’s counterproductive to allow them to stay, and this site isn’t equipped to respond to them. They’re pretty rare.

      But beyond that, people are allowed to be annoying, repetitive, unwilling to take action to change their circumstances — all the same things you encounter in real life. That’s the deal with humans. I ask people to follow the commenting rules and will intervene if I judge that something is becoming a problem for the health of the site overall, but other than that … it’s a comment section. People will comment in all sorts of ways. That’s part of the package. If it’s not for you, it’s healthy to recognize that — there are lots of other things to read! But believe me when I say that trying to manage it to please everyone or meet every possible concern is impossible. So I manage it in the way that feels right and sustainable to me, with a bias toward leaving stuff alone where possible.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I also use the collapse comments options, because there are a lot of comments here, especially on the Friday and Weekend free-for-alls. I find it to be more efficient.

        If I’m reading it right, there are just under 3,000,000 comments on this site. That’s an amazing number of comments!

      2. Anon for this*

        This is the best moderated & honestly most pleasant comment section of any blog I’ve been on. I do really appreciate all Alison does to keep it that way. I’ve not seen it being ‘taken over’ by folks using it for conversation about their mental health – there are conversations about mental health – but there’s still plenty of chat about other topics & I don’t really see why people can’t just scroll past content they don’t want to engage in.

        1. Misty*

          +1

          This is the only public website I feel comfortable commenting on. I’ve never had anyone say anything mean to me and most people are thoughtful, intelligent and post interesting comments. I look forward to the weekends knowing that my “friends” are on AAM. Occasionally I’ve seen a snarky or concerning comment or two but not enough to drown out the entire atmosphere in my experience.

      4. no apples today*

        If you’re going to suggest that people use the collapse feature, perhaps utilizing a collapse feature that allows the entire thread to be collapsed. Collapsing on AAM only enables the thread to be collapsed, not the original comment which is what seems to be triggering the problem. It’s a bit counterintuitive to suggest scrolling on by when there are paragraphs upon paragraphs of text and a user might not even know there’s something they find upsetting in there until they read it.

        WordPress has several plugins that allow parent comment collapse, not just the child comments.

    12. Not A Manager*

      Having looked at the discussion from yesterday that was referenced in this conversation, it’s clear to me that the original comment and some of the follow-ups are directed at one or two specific people. That’s not “concern,” that’s concern trolling. In my opinion it skates close to bullying, and I think it’s disgusting.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yeah, I felt that. I thought about it and decided to make an effort to stop switching names since its bothersome. I can understand that people uncomfortable with the content posted by myself and others, and I see their POV.

        For every 1-2 concern trolls, there’s been exponentially more people who were more helpful and kind. I like posting here and it’s a good space. We see enough bullying on social media and this isn’t the place for it.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s bothersome. More like confusing. If you make a post with one particular name and then reply to that same post with a different name, it sometimes gets confusing. Maybe just use that one name throughout the same post.

          1. Millicent*

            Yes, this. I don’t care if people change their usernames on different days for anonymity or just because they feel like it, but it’s really confusing to read a post by one person and have a different name for that same person show up in the replies to that post.

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              @Millicent — to your point about being anonymous…..apparently even *trying* to be anonymous irks some people so much that they feel the need to constantly out them. I’m pushing back against the “well you post so many details dont’ expect privacy” reasoning. Like, why is it so hard to just ignore? Why does one feel the need to go out of their way and say “oh you’re so and so you posted last week about something.”

              I used to moderate a message board 10 years ago and multi-nicks were common. Most of them we understood were posting about sensitive issues, and we moderators could know who it was. When people would speculate who they were, we’d shut that down quickly. The only ones we didn’t “protect” were hte ones who were being jerks, posting inflammatory things, antagonizing others etc.

          2. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I can understand when its confusing….I’ll admit sometimes I get sloppy and other times, I’ll use a summary in the name line so if it’s a topic that doesn’t apply, they can scroll on by. But…being called disingenuous for using different names? Nah.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              “But…being called disingenuous for using different names?”

              I assume you’re replying to someone else, because my post said nothing about that. Just that having several user names in one thread is confusing.

      2. Hobbes*

        I don’t know. I think there is reason to be legitimately concerned about some of the discussion here. Some commenters here are clearly unwell and in need of medical intervention. I’ve noticed an increase in these kind of concerning comments since the pandemic started and expect that trend will continue. It can be actively harmful to allow mentally unwell people to crowdsource solutions to their problems from people who are not mental health experts and many of whom have their own mental illnesses, so I do it’s something that needs to be addressed. 

        1. anonforthis*

          Yes, agreed. Another forum that I read has a stickied post that says something to the effect of “[forum] is not a doctor, if you are in medical distress please seek IRL medical attention”, and that is sort of how I feel about some of the long-running posters here. I think that part of taking mental health seriously is to acknowledge that just as it would be unwise to crowdsource remedies for your chest pain or broken arm from a forum of anonymous strangers, it is also unwise to do so with mental health issues.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      If I had a dime for every time someone was told to consider talking something over with a professional here, I’d be a millionaire.
      A while ago, we had a poster comment that for [reasons] therapy cannot always be a go-to response for all questions/situations. This poster saw the opposite of what you are pointing out here.

      I do think that the comment section is a work in progress. I have watched Alison refine and get more specific about how this blog works over the years. I remember seeing some of the first posts about self-harming. Commentors jumped in with the 800 number to call. I think if comment is made during the busiest times someone notices and says something. Sometimes comments can be added late and not many notice. As time has marched on I think there is a greater and greater awareness of how serious these comments can be. I remember at first being surprised to see such a comment. Then I realized, no, this happening because the person realizes they found a safe place with a large group of unusually intelligent people. The person is trying to bail themselves out of their setting.
      And yes, that is upsetting to know a fellow human being is struggling so hard. I hold on to something a psychology teacher said once: “The most worrisome people are the ones who never say they have a problem. If someone came into my office and said they thought they had a problem, I felt that was a good thing and we were going to deal with that problem. It’s the ones who said everything is fine, that kept me awake at night.” (Because why would you make an appointment to see a counselor and then show up with nothing to talk about??? Something is up.)

      As for folks who don’t change their setting despite being upset by it, I think we are all vulnerable to having times in life where we, ourselves, get stuck. A person can get eventually get sick of their own voice and decide to accept or change their setting instead. I think you are possibly (??) aiming for the term “enabling”. If you feel comments are enabling a person to remain in their upset, then just move on from that thread and find something else that does interest you. It’s just like in face-to-face relationships, we can move away from people who we feel we cannot help for whatever reason, feeling like an enabler would be one of those reasons to move away.

      But over all, I have seen this blog change over the years as Alison has developed more approaches to the things that come up. She is constantly thinking and constantly trying to make improvements that keep the community strong and active. I also thinks she moves with the times and moves with current thinking and current legal advice on matters. So yes, things change everywhere.

    14. Koala dreams*

      All the posts here are about real problems in real life, including the weekday posts. (Unless they are about positive things, of course!) Just because people write about things, doesn’t make those things disappear from “real life”.

      Many commenters here do recommend therapy, calling a local health clinic, helplines or calling emergency numbers when people write about serious health problems of all kinds. You can do the same if you want to. If you find these comment threads upsetting, I’d recommend you to not read them, and keep to the weekday posts. (They also mention health problems sometimes, but not as often.) There are apps out there where you can block certain websites for certain times or days. I was recommended Leechblock by someone just a few weeks ago, and it has the option to only block certain sites on certain days of the week.

    15. NewReading Glasses*

      I sometimes skip some people’s comments if they are either bothersome to me or I have no interest, or just don’t want to read the apparent topic right now. There are so many comments, I rarely can read them all anyway. I suggest you do the same if you feel you are getting too invested and it is bothering you. For the people posting, I think it can be a comfort to vent, or, yes, it can be a crutch to help avoiding solving something, but I think that is their issue. I just skip over them (sorry, there are 1000 other posts).

    16. Dancing Otter*

      Sometimes the only change possible would mean turning one’s back on duty and responsibility, say if one were the only caregiver for a close relative without other resources. Maybe an elderly parent without long term care insurance or money to self-pay for a care facility, maybe a disabled child or sibling who doesn’t qualify for Medicaid or Social Security/Medicare. Or a spouse who’s dying slowly of an incurable disease.
      No amount of professional counseling can change the facts sometimes. All that’s left is grace under pressure. So, should the person who is truly trapped be denied the opportunity to reach out for a sympathetic ear because she isn’t helping herself enough to suit you?

    17. Misty*

      So I reread this entire thread including some really insightful comments on both sides.

      What do people hope to accomplish here? I mean this in a respectful way. Do they hope that other posters will no longer post about mental health struggles in general? Do they hope that Allison will moderate more heavily? Or did OP just want to have a discussion in general? Or were they hoping that awareness meant that people will no longer post about the same issues on a weekly basis? Does this apply to only mental health or does this apply to other things that are ongoing? Or is the hope that the open thread will more be discussions about questions about movies, tv shows, recommendations, and less about people’s personal lives?

      I scanned most of the other threads this weekend (basically all of them but may have missed a few) and most of them (in my option just!) didn’t seem to be about mental health however last week I noticed a lot of them were about therapy recommendations, I remember that because I tried to give some advice on that front. Would asking for advice on therapy be something that falls under people’s opinions of mental health things we shouldn’t discuss on the open thread? (This last question is geared towards the people who are leaning towards they would like less mental health discussions on the open thread of course, not geared towards those who think people should just scroll past.)

      I understand reading about people’s lives and struggles can be distressing. I find it distressing for instance when people post about medical issues such as breast cancer. I try my best to avoid those topics, not saying you have to take this approach and I know sometimes I will start reading a post not realizing it’s about a specific topic. I know also some people got upset a few weeks back about someone posting about pregnancy loss advice, however technically (I think) those two topics aren’t mental health. I also haven’t seen that kind of pregnancy loss posts since other posters got upset at that person about their advice. I could have missed it though. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s hard because there’s a lot of upsetting/sticky topics in life therefore I understand why some people could be upset by some mental health posts where as some people think its fine. It makes sense that we all have different views because we all come from different experiences. I personally will be more careful before I post about subjects I’ve posted about before here in the past (such as about my roommates) as I view AAM as a most chill place and would like to keep it that way. It’s a nice resource in a lot of ways such as for recommendations for things.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I think that time line weighes in the most, if someone is thinking of hurting themselves, they may not get answers soon enough or they may not get the answer they need for their setting.

        Compare it to a house fire. I don’t think posting here to say my house is on fire would be a strong plan for me to get real help. The reason is the turnaround time on the answer could be too long. And the trucks would still have to drive here, so more precious time is lost.

        I think there is a difference between helping people and rescuing people. Rescue efforts take special knowledge and usually involve direct human contact. Of late we have also been seeing court cases where people’s messages online are used in the case. It kind of makes a person think about what they are saying to others. If a person needs help RIGHT NOW, then any online spot (not just AAM) might not be a good choice. Picking up the phone is probably a stronger choice.

    18. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I kinda feel attacked here. Not really, but it does seem a bit unkind to those of us who have had perpetual issues and have found this to be a fairly safe and semi-anonymous place to vent or discuss things. But if you think I’ve devolved, or you don’t like what I don’t appear to be doing in my real life to address these problems, just… don’t read my comments? That’s what I try do with everything that I’m not interested in or that upsets me for some reason.

      It does seem to me like the comments have become increasingly unkind about certain topics, though. I hesitate to participate here more than I used to.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Pretty sure there’s a Captain Awkward subreddit or private forum or something – have you tried that?

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          Why don’t you just come right out and tell me to stop posting? This is exactly the kind of specific personal comment that seems rather like an attack. No idea what I’ve posted to annoy you so much but this seems rather mean spirited.

          2. Traffic_Spiral*

            I’m sorry, I thought you genuinely meant it when you said you were hesitant to post here, so I figured you might appreciate knowing where to find a famously-supportive online community that specializes in the sort of ‘tell us your problems and get a group hug’ dynamic that you’re looking for.

            Assuming you were being disingenuous felt mean-spirited.

            1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

              Sorry, I misread your reply as snarkily telling me that other Internet is available. I don’t post any of the long updates that people have been objecting to but I do occasionally reference depression. I’ve been reading this discussion as people not wanting to see that at all.

    19. Morning reader*

      I find these days there are few forums where one can post anonymously to express more private thoughts and struggles. Most social media is identifying and designed to connect you with people you know. My FB is my public face and I would not feel comfortable posting certain things there. The old internet used to have more ways to connect without revealing your name and location. (I could be wrong about this, if there is somewhere like IRC used to be.)
      This community seems like a good place to go to express oneself and get some support or validation from others, at least to be heard. I like that. I don’t always read everything and I don’t follow anyone closely enough to notice if they are not progressing, so that has not bothered me. I am weighing in on the side of appreciating the community aspect of this site as it is.

      1. Misty*

        The only place I can think of where you can post anon is reddit for the most part but I wouldn’t call that the kindest place on the internet.

    20. The Time Being*

      A lot of discussion has already happened, and I’m not certain whether any further contributions are really helpful at this point, but I find it kind of striking that you’re bringing up people posting here repeatedly about mental health issues, but seem fine with the physical health issues that people regularly discuss every weekend. The cancer support threads, infertility threads, etc. These are also health issues, and yet… do you find them not objectionable? If so, why is looking for support for mental health more troubling to you than looking for support with physical health?

      1. Misty*

        That’s what I was saying further up. I find people discussing things such as breast cancer upsetting for personal reasons. So I just do my best to avoid those discussions. It’s the best I can do about it. Also I realize that people (within reason as it’s Allison’s website) can discuss what they want to discuss within her rules.

        I’m mainly confused if the problem in some people’s eyes is people posting about mental health in general or if it’s people posting *repeatedly* about mental health (such as every week) or if the problem is the severity of the subject of the mental health topic.

          1. Disco Janet*

            I can – well, just my point of view, of course. But to me, the difference is when it’s repetitive and, well, for lack of a better word, validation-seeking. And validation seeking isn’t always a bad thing! We all need it sometimes. But I think it can turn dangerous.

            I do think people see mental health as different from other types of health issues. For example, if someone on here was clearly ill but doctors made them nervous so they wanted other ideas, but it was clear from their weekly posts that things were getting worse and they REALLY needed to see a doctor, but no one would say that for fear of upsetting the person…I think we can all clearly see the danger there, right? I feel as if I’m seeing the same sort of thing happen here, but in terms of mental health. Not exactly, of course – I am trying to change specifics to not come across as pinpointing specific users. Though as far as your concern Alison, on how to address this without directing it towards certain users, unfortunately I don’t know that you can. Part of it is less about rules than the culture of the site – over the years it seems to have become less okay to disagree with people, or tell them something they don’t want to hear. When it seems to me that so long as it’s not being done in a malicious way, it’s okay for people to disagree! It’s okay to tell someone, “Listen, I know you want validation right now, but this seems like a terrible idea that will make your situation worse because XYZ.” But I’ve seen others get jumped on for that, so I don’t – heck, even within these comments there are a bunch getting angry with those of us who feel there is a problem for expressing it instead of just scrolling by!

          2. anonforthis*

            If you’re still reading this, the thing that concerns me is when people appear to be seeking advice rather than support, which I think are two different things. If somebody was regularly posting about experiencing very, very serious physical symptoms of illness and appeared to be crowdsourcing home remedies, I don’t think anybody would hesitate to tell them to stop posting and seek medical attention immediately. But when users do this with what I would consider equally serious symptoms of mental illness, not only is there no such response but it seems to be encouraged, so much so that people do it across many posts in an almost diary-like way. Responding in any other way seems to be considered “unkind”, effectively shutting it down.

            I don’t have a solution for you, but it is something I have noticed and as a long-term reader of your blog (since 2013 I think?) it makes me reluctant to participate in the weekend threads beyond very minimal chatter. Some comment threads feel like watching the bystander effect in action. (And for the inevitable “just scroll then”, I do.)

      2. Gloria*

        I don’t think discussion of health issues is itself the problem. It becomes a problem when people start asking for advice. I don’t think I’ve even seen a commenter here seeking advice for treating their cancer, but I have seen commenters asking for advice for dealing with what is clearly a serious mental health issue while saying in the same comment that they don’t want to seek medical care for it. Allowing that to happen can be just as dangerous as allowing people to ask and receive advice about treating cancer without medical care.

    21. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Okay, I’ve read all the discussion since yesterday and want to ask, specifically, what would you like to see change rules-wise? I’m not sure there’s a way to manage the trend people say they’re seeing without targeting specific commenters or banning mental health discussion altogether. But I realize I may not be interpreting correctly, so I want to better understand what solution people with this concern are hoping for. Those are you who have shared concerns here, can you tell me specifically what you’re hoping for?

      1. Morningstar*

        Maybe posts should be intended to invite conversation vs blog-style weekly venting. Some of the OPs get upset or argumentative if someone responds with input/suggestions (and declare vehemently that nothing will ever help them), which then turns their regular posts into the weird cycle of validation for being troubled (because people stop responding as they learn another perspective is not being sought/replies evolve to those offering sympathy only). So posts should invite conversation/seek to discuss ideas/not be announcements about how everything’s terrible. (Though we understand things can truly be terrible … does the poster actually want to talk about it?)

        1. Morningstar*

          So it comes down to let’s engage in discussions. I genuinely like all the commenters and seeing different slices of life, but it’s increasingly difficult to read angry/hopeless posts that don’t appreciate replies and it’s not productive for anyone.

      2. Amity*

        Is it all right if I reply later or in an email? I want to make sure I’m coming across kindly and clearly.

      3. Anon for this (thread OP)*

        I asked the original question. I think an inherent problem is that I can’t “just scroll on by!” because I have to read the comment to decide if it’s not for me. Perhaps a convention of content warning or subject line.

        Additionally, if regulars change names or use the username as a subject line, I can’t avoid or “scroll on by” the users with whom I don’t prefer to interact. So a convention of consistent user names on the weekend/open threads.

        I also agree with Morningstar’s comment on the vent/mini-blog phenomenon. Sometimes they are so long and it would be helpful if they weren’t in a top-line comment.

        I’m sure I will think of more once this weekend thread is closed, so perhaps it can be a bit of an ongoing conversation. Cat’s reply post above is definitely the most articulate reflecting some of the reason I asked the question.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Additionally, if regulars change names or use the username as a subject line, I can’t avoid or “scroll on by” the users with whom I don’t prefer to interact.

          I’m truly curious, if the subject line is something that does interest you, then why would you not want to read the rest of the post and possibly contribute? Why would who it is make a difference to you wanting to read the post or not?

          Is it because you think you can identify who it is and you have a dislike towards that person (that you think it is)? Because if so, this just seems awfully personal for an anonymous board. No one’s forcing you to read or respond or interact with them.

          Honestly, there were a lot of good comments here from all perspectives but that one sentence there makes me think that the whole purpose of this thread was to just attack a few of the regular posters.

          1. no apples today*

            I think part of the problem is that sometimes regular posters get vastly different treatment than someone who is an occasional poster. Whether that’s disregarding the rules or having a number of commenters rush to their defense, it’s still noticeably awkward when there are subsets within a comments section who are held to different standards.

            But there’s also a tendency, more so on AAM than other places imo, that sometimes people are asking for help, but then get defensive or combative when they’re offered actually offered help or genuinely good suggestions. I don’t comment enough to know offhand who gets defensive or combative, but I can understand someone not wanting to interact with a post from someone they know is going to ignore their advice. It’s exhausting and why would anyone want to contribute or interact with someone who only looking for validation and is therefore going ignore or get offended by the advice someone took the time to write?

            I think there’s a potential for good advice from different perspectives, but comments section to tend to fall into an echo chamber and I have noticed that when someone does have a vastly different perspective or even a gentle critique, they sometimes tend to get piled on or scolded if they don’t know a commenter’s entire backstory. Different perspectives include hearing criticisms, and there’s a lot of tendency to avoid that here under the guise of hurt feelings.

            TL;DR: The comments section is not always welcoming to people who are new voices or who may offer critical, yet helpful advice.

          2. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

            I think it’s two things:

            1. An interest thing. For example, personally, (and no knock on you, Hellmouth, if you’re still here) but I wasn’t particularly interested in the updates Hellmouth would post in the comments, so that was something I’d skip on the open threads when I saw the username. I didn’t make a thing out of it, but I was able to see the same username and go, “nah, not for me today.” I didn’t hate Hellmouth or anything, I just wasn’t interested in following the whole saga at the time because I don’t follow the open threads every weekend, and they often built on each other.

            2. I can also see people getting frustrated and choosing not to engage further if they genuinely try to give advice and then the OP pushes back on them in a rude or snarky way. You did that in a post a little while back where someone suggested a book to you (which I thought was perfectly reasonable) and it personally made me want to engage with you less. I’d think twice about giving you advice after watching that go down, because I try to only give advice to people who are open to it. It doesn’t mean I hate you or that you’re a bad person, it just means I’m (and I’m just one person, not the entire world or the entire AAM comment section) not going to weigh in on things you post as much. Ultimately, isn’t that better for you in the long run? Why would you be invested in whether or not someone like me reads what you post?

            It’s not attacking someone if you’re choosing not to engage, or if you’re skipping what they post because you’re not interested. It’s just a fact of life sometimes. I’m positive that plenty of things about my life are boring for people here.

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              It’s not attacking someone if you’re choosing not to engage, or if you’re skipping what they post because you’re not interested. It’s just a fact of life sometimes. I’m positive that plenty of things about my life are boring for people here.

              I agree with you on that! It’s not an attack to not engage with someone, and I don’t think I said it was. Also I think the vast majority of people are feeling this — not everything is for everyone!

              But when someone says they read the topic in the summary and then they read the post and find out it’s from someone they dislike…..that’s what made me wonder.

              Like, if something is in the topic line, and I didn’t want to read it….I won’t read it.

              I wouldn’t go through the time to read the initial post, dislike it and then post a discussion here essentially asking that the site rules be changed for their personal comfort.

              And FWIW, I dont’ want to derail but if this is the post that I am thinking of, I recall that I had said that I enjoy reading about peoples experiences and wasn’t looking for medical diagnosis. For someone to say “I like to read books and that was helpful for me” reads very differently from “you should read books and not be on a discussion board.” If that’s not the post you are referring to then my apologies.

                1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

                  That’s where that second point comes in, though, about not wanting to put time and thought into a response that you anticipate won’t be received well. I might be interested in giving you advice, but if I know that you have a history of being snarky when people suggest things you don’t like, I’m not going to want to bother. I’m not asking for a change in rules here- not my site, and I don’t comment that frequently anyway- but I can see how people might want to nip that sort of behavior in the bud so that well-meaning (and often first-time) commenters aren’t being reprimanded for giving advice.

                  And yes, that was the comment I was talking about. I suggest you go back and re-read that thread, because I don’t think that person was trying to say “don’t post here”- you were the one who responded by saying “perhaps internet and social media support groups should be shut down,” which honestly seemed like a snarky overreaction to someone saying that books can be more helpful than anecdotes in this case.

        2. Misty*

          A warning or subject line is a good idea. That would be good I think. Not just for mental health but also for breast cancer and grief etc.

          Once I posted about a panic attack and I put a trigger warning because I was concerned about it being well triggering. And last week someone posted about assault and put a triggering warning which I thought was also helpful. I know “trigger warnings” are a hot topic on the internet but they can be helpful so I agree with your suggestion.

      4. Fulana del Tal*

        I agree with Morningstar about the increase of blog-style posts that only want validation that don’t really invite discussion.
        But what I really think needs to be clarified is “kindness”. Far too many posters are using unkind as a shield against any criticism. Any questions, critique or non 100% validating comment is called unkind and shuts down discussion. And that recreates the echo chamber that people were referring to.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Alison commented a while ago that this is not a group that does well with venting. The tendency is to try to find solutions or try to find something that helps with damage control for a given situation. I thought that was wise insight.

      5. no apples today*

        I posted something similar above, but you should look into rehauling the comments section with more common user friendly features that other sites have. But mostly, I suggest adding the collapse or hide feature to parent comments. Right now the collapse feature is only for child comments, so while you’re collapsing the thread, the original comment is still visible.

        If people can hide or collapse comments from people they don’t want to interact with or threads they don’t want to read, it’s going to go a long way to solving the problem people seem to have.

        Most CMS platforms have pre-built plugins allowing a hide or collapse all feature. Advice to scroll on by isn’t useful when there’s a 1,000 word comment you can’t even collapse or hide from the onset.

      6. NewBee*

        1. Use a consistent name throughout the comment chain/on comments in the thread about the same topic.

        2. One of my favorite blogs from years past used to have a well-phrased, “no blog-jacking“ rule (basically, if your purpose for posting is just to vent/narrate your life, start your own blog), but I don’t recall whether it had open threads, so maybe that can’t/won’t apply there.

        3. Maybe not necessary as a new rule, but an expansion of “not everyone can eat sandwiches”: posting in an open thread invites feedback, and each thread stands alone (there are different commenters each time, etc.), so don’t post if you aren’t looking for a response, and don’t chastise people for not knowing all of the details from past open threads. Some of the open thread drama is like, someone getting indignant that a new commenter suggested balloons as an easy decoration for a birthday party because 4 threads ago the OP mentioned their latex allergy.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think point number 2 is very good. And I think it speaks to how people see this space. I read here because I can learn so much here. I find myself googling to learn what it is that people are discussing and why it is a concern.

          I was having a bad day one day. I should have hung up with my uncle instead of forcing myself to continue in conversation. My uncle got a little frustrated with me. He said, “NSNR, I did not learn a damn thing from talking to you today!” I laughed right out loud.
          Some people place a high value on new inputs and new ideas. My uncle was one of those people. I probably am too, but to a lesser degree than he was. My uncle did not do well with rambling or venting. If you opened a subject about a problem he would start trouble-shooting and figuring how to lessen or eliminate the problem.

          How a person uses this space seems to vary and their purposes in coming here seems to vary somewhat. I have noticed a tendency toward journalling/venting here of late. There seems to be a small drift away from sharing information to help with life stuff. Right now it appears to be a small drift, just my opinion.

          BUT! Having said all this, the reason the weekend open thread started was because there was a strong interest in just chatting with each other about non-work stuff. Even though it’s changed here and there as we have gone along, I still think the weekend open threads are of High, High value. The collective genius of the group here is remarkable and probably something we will never see again in life because this is that extraordinary.

        2. Misty*

          So it sounds like some of this (like rule #2 and what people were saying about validation further above and blog style posts) are not *just* about mental health but more about people writing blog style posts and not being open to others making comments or suggestions on them. That’s interesting. After reading this thread, I def am seeing the open threads with new eyes. I can see how it would be frustrating to wish someone well on their post and not realize it annoyed them (as someone commented at some point on this thread) esp since there is no way to delete your own comment on this website if you wish to no longer engage with a thread.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Honestly, I think this thread has now turned into people airing their complaints in general, not just the mental health stuff that was originally raised. And, you know, there’s no way every post in an open thread will ever be to everyone’s tastes. That said, I’m willing to experiment with different rules for next week’s and see how it goes.

            1. Misty*

              Thank you for everything that you do. I have no idea how much work it must be to run this site but there is no one clear solution as you have a large audience from all over who come with different perspectives and life experiences. AAM is a valuable resource.

              Something that came to mind when I read this entire thread was that maybe what would be best would be a week or two off. If it ever became too much, there could be a weekend or two without an open thread so that everyone could just sit with that. Maybe we’ve been taking it for granted that we have this cool place where we can just be.

            2. The Other Dawn*

              I think mental health questions are fine in general. I asked one myself last weekend and I see others ask from time to time. I think what becomes a bit much is when someone is clearly using the weekend thread, just about every week, as a substitute for therapy. Or when they’re posting about something that’s very serious, like the self-mutilation post someone else mentioned (I remember that one well and it was disturbing).

              As for other things people mentioned, I think the long ongoing personal blog posts that happen every week should be eliminated. I admit I’ve done this myself and won’t pretend otherwise, but I’m trying not to do that anymore. That’s what a personal blog is for. Thinking back, maybe a year or two ago, you asked that we limit the weekend thread to questions and light discussion, but then you’ve said more recently people can post anything they want. And of course ultimately it’s your site, not ours.

              Maybe there’s an option to create a forum for readers, like CA has? I don’t read her website, but I know there’s a reader forum over there. Seems like that would be a good place for all the weekend discussion to happen.

              The last thing I’ll mention is about commenting. I comment much less than I used to, because it seems as though I have to think through the 20 different ways my comment can be misinterpreted before I can hit Submit. If I don’t think about all the angles to the nth degree, chances are I’ll get push back or someone who’s convinced I’m asking how I can “steal” book content (that was a few years ago and wasn’t my question at all). I’m fine with disagreement and discussion, but it’s absolutely exhausting to have to think about all the ways my comment can be taken and possibly offend someone; it’s just too much effort most of the time. I don’t see it happen as much in the weekend threads. It seems to be much more prevalent during the week.

              1. The Other Dawn*

                All of that said, you’re right that there’s no way to make it so everyone is happy. That’s just the nature of things like this.

              2. Gruntilda*

                Agree with no blog-jacking. If it’s an update, write an update, but if your “update” is “well I did some gardening today and watched a movie…”

                These sorts of things seem better suited for a “Friends of AAM” style forum, slack chat, or off-site group.

                Also I don’t think this is something that a rule can fix. I don’t see this issue as a request to Alison to please fix this or that (and kind of side-eye the “OK well what do you WANT then, why aren’t you more GRATEFUL for this blog” posts). I think we as commenters need to all self-reflect, notice when we are using someone’s workplace blog as a substitute for friends or therapy, and hold back. This is a flag for us as commenters that the culture is getting warped and needs a change.

                1. Misty*

                  I’m not saying we should do what we want, I’m def agreeing with you that we should be better because there’s no way Allison can fix everything just by creating rules plus I don’t love the idea of creating more work for her. Just my opinion.

                  I agree with your comment and for the record I agree with the whole blog post style complaints, I was just surprised that people brought it up when she asked for comments about how to fix the mental health problems (since that was originally the question and the concern about mental health issues/severity.)

                2. Misty*

                  I don’t think it was wrong to ask what was the solution. At first I read the sentence “well what do you WANT then” as we should do what we want but I read it wrong. I think it makes sense to try to come up with a solution. People are concerned about the mental health aspect and it makes sense to try to come up with a solution since further up so many people agreed that it was concerning. Allison asked if anyone who has complaints about that had any ideas on solutions here: “Okay, I’ve read all the discussion since yesterday and want to ask, specifically, what would you like to see change rules-wise? I’m not sure there’s a way to manage the trend people say they’re seeing without targeting specific commenters or banning mental health discussion altogether. But I realize I may not be interpreting correctly, so I want to better understand what solution people with this concern are hoping for. Those are you who have shared concerns here, can you tell me specifically what you’re hoping for?”

                3. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  Huh, that was a genuine desire to learn more about what people were envisioning because there’s no way for me to do anything differently if I’m not clear on what’s being proposed … not the snarky, put-upon response you seem to have read it as! (And I don’t think I said anything implying people need to be more grateful; not sure where you’re getting that, and I don’t think that.)

      7. Disco Janet*

        To me, the difference is when it’s repetitive and, well, for lack of a better word, validation-seeking. And validation seeking isn’t always a bad thing! We all need it sometimes. But I think it can turn dangerous.

        I do think people see mental health as different from other types of health issues. For example, if someone on here was clearly ill, but doctors made them nervous so they wanted other ideas, but it was clear from their weekly posts that things were getting worse and they REALLY needed to see a doctor, but no one would say that for fear of upsetting the person…I think we can all clearly see the danger there, right? I feel as if I’m seeing the same sort of thing happen here, but in terms of mental health. Not exactly, of course – I am trying to change specifics to not come across as pinpointing specific users. Though as far as your concern Alison, on how to address this without directing it towards certain users, unfortunately I don’t know that you can.

        Part of it is less about rules than the culture of the site – over the years it seems to have become less okay to disagree with people, or tell them something they don’t want to hear. When it seems to me that so long as it’s not being done in a malicious way, it’s okay for people to disagree! It’s okay to tell someone, “Listen, I know you want validation right now, but this seems like a terrible idea that will make your situation worse because XYZ.” But I’ve seen others get jumped on for that, so I don’t – heck, even within these comments there are people getting angry with those of us who feel there is a problem for expressing it instead of just scrolling by!

      8. Traffic_Spiral*

        It’s hard to put a solid rule to things like this, but maybe a general (but loose) ban on “I just want to vent/I just need validation/I need a hug” posts.

        A post needs to be something that can facilitate discussions. Some people write things where it is clear they want to hear nothing but repetitions of “wow that sucks” or “you are in the right and a lovely person” – sometimes due to the nature or the post, and sometimes because they straight-up say “ok, so I’m not looking for any suggestions on this.” These are the ones that annoy me because it feels like they’re going “I didn’t come here to contribute, I came here to use you all as my therapy support group, even though that’s not what you came here for.”

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Agreeing on this, to the point that when I see “I am not looking for suggestions”, I sometimes just move on.

          I think we all have stuff that is just on-going and we really don’t want suggestions as we have decided just to power through the problem or whatever. But this is a place where people make suggestions. So it seems odd that a person would think that no one would make any suggestions.

      9. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

        I think there is a difference between sharing a story and asking a question of the audience for advice (in general about any topic on either open thread) versus basically writing a continual long blog post week after week in the comments section. I think a quick update a following week on a prior question from the OP is also fine so the audience knows their advisements were read by OP, but honestly no matter the topic, slogging through incredibly long weekly update posts on here to get to some content where OPs ask for advice is where I’d like to see a guideline put in place. Blog style weekly updates belong, well, in a blog. I’d be happy to follow someone’s weekly life updates and add their blog to my Feedly, but trying to help others here who have questions is where I, again, would like to see some guidelines. Many thanks for asking, I think an updated set of guidelines would help here.

    22. Not A Manager*

      I keep coming back to this thread because I find it so troubling. From a selfish point of view, I hope that the result of threads like this one (and comments such as I’ve seen in the past few weeks pretty much slamming someone for their posting style) isn’t to water down the quirky and distinctive voices of some of the regulars on here.

      I understand that people read the weekend threads for all kinds of reasons. For myself personally, I don’t come here for the book threads or the crafting threads. I like to craft, and I like to read, and I even like to talk about that stuff, but for me these threads aren’t “conversations” in a way that I enjoy them. I’ll post occasionally to crowd-source a specific issue, and I’ll try to respond to specific issues, but I’m just not super interested in the threads about “what are you cooking/reading/gaming/gardening.”

      I’ve really appreciated some of the ongoing narratives on here. I’m not a long-term reader, but even I have been able to follow people though their divorces or their pet adoptions or their health scares or their grieving. Sometimes those people post for advice (or “support” or “validation” oh my god), and sometimes it’s just a drive-by to say how they’re doing. I appreciate both. I’m sorry when things aren’t going well and I’m glad when they are going well. If someone wants advice (or support or validation) and I feel that I can add some value, then I’ll comment, but if not I’ll still read and I’ll still appreciate the update.

      In my opinion, the ability to post (and read) threads of that type is a feature, not a bug. I hope that Alison won’t enforce rules that make those more difficult (which I doubt), and I also hope that people don’t get a sense that those posts aren’t welcome (which I fear). It’s super-easy to generalize from a few negative (or hostile) comments and think that EVERYONE hates your posts and NO ONE wants to read your stuff.

      I understand that for the most part, people aren’t complaining about the by-your-bootstraps narratives where plucky posters identify a problem, strategize to address it, encounter some roadblocks, but ultimately prevail and wind up in a better place. They’re complaining about those dreary people who have messy lives that they just can’t get a handle on. I happen not to mind either post, but I also think it’s really hard for people to tell in the moment which basket they’re in. I think people might start to self-censor because no one wants to be vulnerable, even on an anonymous forum, and risk that other people will tell you that you’re a messy bore.

      So from the position of one reader who has appreciated both the weekday discussions and the weekend ones, I would like to address the people who posted on this thread that they are feeling a bit squelched (and others who maybe read the thread and chose not to post at all). I (and maybe some other people too) not only See You and Hear You and whatever it is that one says. I enjoy you. I appreciate you. I like your posts. I hope you continue to make them.

      I think about you and I wish you well.

      2. Mindovermoneychick*

        I’m with you. I come for the ongoing narratives more than gardening. I’m a long time reader of the site, although less of an in depth reader of the weekend threads.

        I can’t off the top of my head think of the posters or situations that are being referenced in this discussion where people are staying stuck in bad situations. But I like posts where people talk about their lives over time. Most of the ones I follow seem to make progress and have interesting trajectories.

        1. Mindovermoneychick*

          Hmmm…I don’t respond all that often so I haven’t had that experience myself. Actually maybe I do sometimes but the comments sections are so big these days That if I leave after I post and try to come back later I often can’t even find my original post. So I never see how my advice was taken :)

          That would definitely be annoying though.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Use control plus F and a box will appear, type in your name. You will find all your posts by using the up and down arrows in the box.

      3. Morningstar*

        I mostly agree with you, but if you’ve ever tried to respond helpfully and been told “that’s not the answer & I didn’t want a response, you’re wrong for saying this to me” … it’s baffling and discouraging. You might even have someone say, “why are you wishing me well, that’s so patronizing” or “good wishes won’t pay my bills.” It discourages anyone from participating and it’s annoying that the OP feels entitled to waste my time as a reader & also dismiss the good will that goes composing a thoughtful reply. There’s no way to know your reply is not welcome until after you’ve made one. It’s fine if someone wants to state upfront that they’re just venting and do it once in a while but to get upset when people respond nicely after they’ve made a public post in an advice column … is weird and rude. I’ve had this happen to me a handful of times and it’s frankly why I stopped posting & took an extended break from here.

        1. no apples today*

          Yes. There’s a pretty frequent culture of calling out new or infrequent commenters when they don’t know the entire backstory to a distinctive regular.

          I stopped posting for a long time because I got tired of someone asking for suggestions about fun activities, and then after writing something like “I enjoy going to concerts” having twenty people tell me that noise hurts them and I should be more sensitive because not everyone can go to concerts and didn’t I know that the OP I responded to had a bad history of concerts, so I should be more careful about writing hurtful things.

          There’s no easy solution to such a problem, but when you have a comments section that wants to white knight everyone’s feelings from potentially being hurt and expects you to know the backstory of every regular who blogs about their life in the comments, it doesn’t make it a welcoming or friendly place. I would be fine if this behavior was relegated to only the weekend threads, but it pops up in the weekday work related posts often enough that it’s become a minefield.

          1. allathian*

            Yes, I agree with this one. I’ve been posting here for a few months and reading for about a year. In general I think this is a supportive place with a great commentariat, but I do think that people could be a bit more understanding towards newbies who don’t know the whole backstory.

          2. Misty*

            I can see how it would be frustrating to wish someone well on their post and then have them react unkindly, esp since there is no way to delete your own comment on this website if you wish to no longer engage with a thread or them. I’m sorry that that has happened to you here!

          3. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I have seen that occasionally but not a ton, but I don’t read everything. I’ll watch more for it and, as always, feel free to directly flag it for me if it happens.

  59. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

    Game Recommendation – Hunt a Killer style

    My husband and I have been enjoying the Hunt A Killer game – they send you a box in the mail once a month that has a bunch of clues And you try to solve a murder mystery.

    I would like to get something similar for my parents but without the online component. They can use email and Facebook but that is about it. They are very bored and I think getting a new box once a month would give them something to look forward to.

    1. Lcsa99*

      No suggestions, but I wanted to thank you for asking. Hadn’t heard of Hunt A Killer but it sounds like a lot of fun!

  60. Potatoes gonna potate*

    -Had a bizarre morning. Haven’t been sleeping well lately, not sure what to blame here. I’m a back sleeper and I bought a pregnancy pillow but still cannot get comfortable sleeping on my side. 

    -For some reason the first thought when I woke up was….a memory from when I was 15. I used to chat on AIM/MSN/Yahoo chat and there was one 30 year old who was SO NICE and not bad looking. He looked like a young Ralph Fiennes and lived in a really hip neighborhood in a nice apartment and wanted to hang out. I know…..so weird. and no we never hung out. 

    So classic unemployment conundrum-plenty of time but limited funds as opposed to more funds and limited time. I did my first physical therapy session this week after nearly a year of being sedentary. It was a good session but the therapist wants me to come in 3x a week! I have to pay $50 copay each visit and I just can’t afford that being on UI. Every penny I get now I squirrel away for baby, taxes, medical premiums, medicines, and paying down my CC debt. I mean….I’ll figure something out, I’m just feeling a little drained atm. I know a little discomfort is normal at this stage of pregnancy but I want to be in a better position for returning to normal activity after having the baby.  

    I’m craving chinese take out today, I haven’t had that all year. Also wanted to make baked strawberry french toast to use up my strawberry and cream cheese but I’m out of milk and half and half. :-/ I miss just being able to pop in to a store to buy 1-2 things.

    1. Ranon*

      It is okay to say to the therapist “I can’t afford 3x a week, what can we do with 1x a week (or whatever frequency you can afford). It won’t be the first time they’ve heard it.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I did say that but he shook his head and said no, has to be 3 if I want to see progress. I said 2 and he still said no, would not see enough progress.

        1. Colette*

          That’s a weird thing to say. It might be worth checking with another therapist.

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I’m going to call back on Tuesday and ask for a new therapist for other reasons. And continue the at home exercises. I did PT late last year and it helped but I had to be really consistent and disciplined for it and I saw (rather felt) results in 4 weeks. I couldnt’ walk 1 block without lower back and leg pain and after PT I could walk 7-10k steps a day. It felt great. 4 days of nto doing anything undid 4 weeks of work.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            At this one, I worked on the bicycle for about 10 minutes. Not going to buy one (new or used). The therapist did stretch me out and massage a pain point on my back which I guess I can ask my husband. When I asked if I should do these at home, The therapist said he was going to add more So I need to come for the 2/3rd sessions.

            I can manage 1x a week and supplement at home.

      2. StrikingFalcon*

        I’ve been able to get teletherapy (over video) with no copay – some insurances have lowered the copay/eliminated it to encourage social distancing. Might be worth asking about. And yeah, try another therapist. You may need to do the exercises 3x a week, but in most cases your can do what you can at home 2x a week and see the therapist once a week if that’s what you can afford.

    2. sequined histories*

      I’m all for paying down debt, but your physical well-being is more important–both in general and especially when you’re pregnant. If the PT is helping you, prioritize that over paying down your debts,

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      About the sleep position…. when I was pregnant, I slept best on our saggy old sofa. So maybe try a different surface than your comfy bed.

    4. Anono-me*

      I would probably try to find a different physical therapist, one that was willing to work with you on alternatives to three visits a week or at least was willing to explain to you why you needed three visits a week.

      I know you said that you weren’t going to go out and buy a bicycle or an indoor bicycle right now. Have you considered one of those little under the desk peddlers ?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes, as soon as they open on Tuesday I will contact them. Ummm I can look for the peddlers, I think we might actually have one in the garage.

  61. Jedi Squirrel*

    Cat-link:

    It seems that some very talented people have spent quarantine crocheting tiny little sofas for their cats. They are so cute and amused me greatly.

    Link in a follow-up post.

      1. Nicole76*

        I particularly love the second to last one. Now I wish I knew how to crochet – my little dog would love one of those!

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          The one with the granny-square afghan across the back? That’s adorable!

          I think crocheting is probably only half as difficult as knitting because you only have half the needles, but maybe the math works the other way? Idk.

          1. Nicole76*

            Yep, that’s the one! :)

            My grandmother crocheted lots of things for me and showed me how to do it (over twenty years ago). I’m not sure I’d have the patience to relearn now but I might look into it.

    2. Disco Janet*

      Ha! I’ve been updating/rearranging furniture in the house during this time, and while I haven’t crocheted everything, I did make a little window seat for our two cats. They enjoy it very much!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        It showed up just now as I hit submit haha. So adorable, I just can’t.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      My cat would take the proper sofa and leave the little one to me. XDDDD

      1. Animal worker*

        So true. I literally bought my cockatoo a full size loveseat when I got new furniture a number of years back, because she just would not leave me alone on the couch. Still a battle at times, but she has learned that when she misbehaves (overly bugging me, biting at my toes, chewing on the couch, etc.) that she will be sent back to her loveseat, or somewhere else, and lose couch privileges for a while.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        If you google it, there are lots of pictures where the cat has taken over the dog’s bed, and the dog is just sitting there staring at the cat, afraid to do anything.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m really impressed with the one person who made removable sofa cushions. And isn’t it just like a cat to promptly push them off onto the floor?!

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      Oh, THANK YOU for this! Totally made my day. And the site is a chuckle! I have bookmarked it to read every day after scrolling through the bad news in the news. :) Small antidotes are a big help.

  62. Llama Face!*

    **COVID question**
    How are people deciding on what level of safety/protection measures to maintain when the government is relaxing standards but it’s because of the economy not because it’s really safer?

    I’m struggling with how to decide what I can maimtain short- and long-term.
    I think I will need to maintain stricter standards than others because I live in a sort-of-shared residence with high risk people (They live in part of the house and I live in the other but we have a shared high traffic hallway that everyone needs to use frequently, shared yard, and shared laundry area).

    Currently I am able to work from home which removes one risk area. We sanitize any shared surfaces at home and maintain physical distancing. And I wear homemade masks in the grocery store- and have limited it to once a week visits. I’m carless and have been avoiding public transit because they are crowding everyone in the back of the buses and people are not all wearing face coverings. I haven’t done any non-essential shopping at all since this started.

    But I’d also like to be able to visit my family in town without having to sit outside far apart. It’s hard; I haven’t had any physical contact with another human being for two months and I don’t know if that’s something I can keep doing for my own mental health. But frustratingly my family is not keeping the same level of standards as I am so I don’t know how to calculate the risks.

    Would anyone who’s willing please share a bit of their thought processes to help me figure out my own limits? Please don’t argue about other people’s choices or this will devolve into the usual terrible internet; just post what you are comfortable with personally. Thanks!

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I will be continuing strict standards for myself as well as I have a health condition and I’m pregnant and my mother is elderly. So a lot of high risk here. I’m not even paying attention to whats going on in the news now, NY’s reopen rules seem to change every other day. I know that the virus will not magically disappear on some date. I will not be going to a gym or a mall (as much as I’d love to) until at least 4-6 weeks after reopening (whenever that may be). Not concerned that anyone will invite me to anything.

      With that said, I’ll continue to wear a mask and just keep my distance. and just basically continuing limiting my going out to medical appointments. I can’t control what will happen in the hospital when I deliver in August. Maybe I’ll go out for walks with the baby afterwards.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I see two issues here. The first is your own safety, the second is the safety of your housemates.

      For myself, I’ve decided that my own likely risk if I get sick doesn’t warrant taking super-strict quarantine precautions for the next months and years. I’m willing to slowly open myself back up to the world, in accordance with good public policy regarding flattening the curve, etc.

      So if it were just for yourself, I’d encourage you to think about the likelihood that you will be exposed to the virus if you start to open up (very high likelihood IMO if your timeframe is “between now and when we have a vaccine”), and what you think the actual risk to you would be if you were exposed. How likely are you to need emergency medical care? How available do you think it will be in your area? How likely do you think it is that medical care might be unavailable because you expect a big surge in local cases?

      Then I think the other question is keeping your housemates safe. It sounds like you don’t have to actually be in each other’s physical presence that often. Can you and they work together to review the current best practices regarding shared surfaces, etc? At the moment, it’s looking like transmission from surfaces is unusual and unlikely. Can you agree on a protocol so that you never pass each other in the hallway, never are in the laundry room at the same time, never in the yard? If you do that, and if you are rigorous about wiping down surfaces, that might be a reasonable level of care.

      On the other hand, if you or they don’t think those precautions are sufficient, then you might need to decide if this living situation will be right for you in the long-term. If staying there as a good neighbor really means never seeing your family or having personal contact with people, it might not be sustainable.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      Once our stay at home order lifts, I will probably start visiting people again and maybe socializing in open areas like parks and trails. But I will continue to WFH, avoid public transport, and avoid restaurants. I also will not be traveling out of town any time soon.

    4. Jedi Squirrel*

      I am going to continue doing what I’ve been doing. Mask any time I’m outside, lots and lots of hand sanitizer, not touching surfaces (stores aren’t disinfecting shopping carts any more, so gloves when shopping), staying home, not eating out.

      The infection rate in our area is still going up. People are being stupid and selfish. I’m not going to risk it.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’m going to keep being careful too. Curbside pickup when possible, using a mask, etc. I miss going to the zoo, but it’s closed anyway, and I’m going to try to wait even when it opens. I do care about the economy, but I don’t want to contribute to the pandemic.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          There are so many things I really miss now, but even if they reopened today, I just wouldn’t be comfortable doing them. Just gonna sit tight.

          2. ThatGirl*

            Same. I had a spa day planned for late March, I think legally I could rebook it for June, but we’re in suburban Chicago and I just don’t think public health wise it’s a good idea yet. I want our case rate to be much lower and contact tracing in place at least.

    5. Misty*

      I’m taking it on a case by case basis mainly because of all my roommates. I would like to stay home longer but in my state more things are supposed to be opening up in June and once they do, I don’t think I can convince all of my roommates to stay home (does anyone remember coffee guy? we couldn’t even get him to stay home during the stay at home order!) so I think once things start opening up again, I’ll have to see what the roommates do and then base my risk off that a bit.

      Like if everyone else goes wild, I’m not saying I will too, but it would basically be pointless for me to continue to stay home 24/7 if they start going out 24/7. But luckily we haven’t reached this point yet so that’s future me’s problem!

      On a side note, I got invited to two bbqs tomorrow and I’m NOT going to those! Seems risky plus it seems like that’ll go against the whole ‘only groups of less than 10 or 5’ thing

      1. Llama Face!*

        Oh yes, I remember your posts about coffee guy. :( Do you think you and the remaining roommates- am I remembering correctly that coffee guy finally moved out or am I mixing you up with another commenter?- anyway do you think you’ll be able to have a chat and agree on some ground rules for what happens @ home and what to do if someone gets sick?

        1. Misty*

          Ha I wish! Nah coffee guy still here :( He did eventually stop going out for coffee but he still lives here. He just spends most of his time smoking in his room and spraying air freshener around (which is a whole nother annoyance lol)

          I have no idea if we will have another talk to set ground rules. We’re all pretty burnt out and one of my roommates seems super depressed (constant crying) and my elderly neighbor has been calling me constantly so our concerns have shifted a bit to mental health/feeding my neighbor. But then again we’re not currently leaving the house so we may just have to have a ground rules talk once things change and we start leaving but the truth is idk how we’re going to enforce/do that.

    6. Mimmy*

      We’ve been strictly following all of the safety guidelines and will continue to do so even as things reopen little by little. When we visited my parents on Mothers Day, it was hard not to hug them, though my dad tried to do the elbow bump against my mom telling him to stay away. I thought masks would be uncomfortable; aside from being a little big on me, it hasn’t been too bad.

      I’m particularly sad because it’s canceled a lot of events that my husband and I were looking forward to, including our annual family gathering the first week of July. It hasn’t been officially canceled but it looks like it will. That’ll be the first time since we started doing this in 2006.

      I miss going out to eat and going to events but I’m also a little nervous about being around lots of people right now. I think I’d be okay going to outdoor venues, such as outdoor seating at a restaurant, as long as the proper precautions are taken and that there aren’t a lot of people around; I can’t say that my husband feels the same. But oh what I wouldn’t give to have a nice dinner with my parents again!

      I’m also fine with going to the salon – I need a haircut and eyebrow wax dang it! lol.

      What I wouldn’t be comfortable with is going to the gym. I’m also glad that my job, which involves mostly 1:1 instruction, is staying remote for the time being.

    7. Roja*

      I’ve been wrestling with this too. For me, here are some of the things I’ve considered–I’m young, healthy (as is my husband), and there’s more than ample world-class medical facilities where I live. Case numbers in my state are pretty steady despite large testing increases, and test positive rate and hospitalizations are dropping. Things are opening back up relatively quickly.

      Risks I feel comfortable with–seeing my mother, going to a store, going to the park, and last night we went out to a restaurant for the first time. I was nervous, but that felt okay too.
      Risks I’m not prioritizing so I can take the other aforementioned risks–meeting friends inside (since it’s summer, that’s easy to keep for a while), large groups indoors or outdoors
      Risks I’ll be taking in the next month–going camping/staying in a hotel, going back to work, going to work out in small group classes

      Ultimately, I have very little fear for myself, and since my husband has been an essential worker, that pretty much dwarfs any risk I could take myself, to be honest. I’ve been much more concerned with the ethics of trying to protect others (masks, washing hands, etc). Because my state is opening up so quickly and people have been ignoring the recommendations for weeks anyway, I’m also figuring that if June 15th rolls around and numbers are still stable/dropping, I can be a lot less concerned. I’m taking some of my cues from a friend who’s an immunologist working on viral vaccines–they’re taking normal and recommended safety precautions, but they’re not terrified. I figure they know a lot more about this than I do, so like I said, I’m taking my cues from them.

      Your mental and emotional health are important too. You said you haven’t had any physical contact with anyone in two months, and that… as a very touchy-feely person myself, that just sounds awful. My super stoic mom did the same as you, and cried when she hugged me for the first time. She’s doing so much better now than she was before. I’ve tried to keep this free of any recommendations, but I urge you to find someone who you can hug or whatever touch helps you. It seems like the risk from that is much lower compared to the current cost. Anyway, my heart goes out to you. <3

      1. Llama Face!*

        “Your mental and emotional health are important too. You said you haven’t had any physical contact with anyone in two months, and that… as a very touchy-feely person myself, that just sounds awful.”

        Yeah, that is the hardest aspect so far. I’m also from a family where we hug (and kiss)* our close family members regularly and before the pandemic I would get regular RMT massages partly for muscle/pain issues and partly for the mental health benefit of positive physical touch. So I don’t think this is a workable long term situation as-is.
        *(yes even as adults- cultural heritage thing)

      2. Llama Face!*

        And missed adding: Thank you for your very compassionate words, Roja. You made me tear up a little bit (in a good way).

        1. Roja*

          Aw, I’m so glad it was helpful!! No, it doesn’t sound like a workable solution. Isolation rarely is, I’m afraid, pandemics or no pandemics. :(

          As to the massages, I don’t know if you’ve checked this out so far, but if not, get yourself a tennis ball AND a small bouncy ball or other similar massage ball (make sure you get a big one and a small one, and that they’re not rock hard), and look on youtube or google for tennis ball massages. There’s lots of results when I search, but if you don’t find ones you like, add “for dancers” at the end, and you should get some more. It’s not like the calming aspect of touch, and of course it hardly compares to a professional, but it goes a loooong way towards keeping muscle issues at bay. Good luck!!

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We are just working on figuring this out! We live in a state that has not been severely impacted so far. It depends on what the hospitalization rate is doing (not the infection rate, because they are doing more testing, so it continues to go up), what the activity is (will consider yoga when the studio reopens; in our state it could have reopened already with restrictions but owner isn’t comfortable with that yet; I want to go to an exercise class that is currently meeting and social distancing, but will not do that; I need the weights and some other things at the gym for physical therapy that I can’t duplicate at home but it’s at a military facility and won’t be opening any time soon ), how the activity can be done (I’m ok with online church for a while), who we are seeing (our kids or our parents are the most important to us and the ones I want to see the most). We’ll try to do outside stuff (such as cookouts with just a few appropriately distanced relatives). I will curtail shopping, etc., doing one grocery run a week for the foreseeable future and adding no more than one other trip each week. Last week it was spouse to the hardware store with a big list they’d been accumulating; this week it will be something else. I am confounded about when to get a haircut and what to do the end of next month when we are supposed to have a get-together of a small group I’m in. Also wearing masks when shopping and noting which stores and their customers are doing a good job with masks/distancing/protection and choosing them when possible.

    9. J.B.*

      Mask wearing, even of cloth masks, is supposed to reduce the viral load that you can transmit to other people. We are in this for the long term and there are some necessities and some things that really matter for mental health. So ordering groceries/ library books/ other consumables for pickup may be a wise choice. I would not go to a gym or pool now but will go other places at least traffic times with a mask. You need to decide where your line is and I would discuss shared spaces with housemates.

    10. knead me seymour*

      For myself, I’m planning to keep it fairly restricted. I pick up my groceries once a week, go to the pharmacy when necessary, go for walks outside while staying away from others. The only change I’ve made since restrictions were lifted is seeing my friend outside at a distance once in a while. I would consider using public transit occasionally if I had to.

      I’m not at a high risk myself, and I’m fortunate to be in an area that has reduced transmission quite effectively, but essentially, I’m more comfortable doing my part for the sake of public health, to the extent that I’m able to. I’m also fortunate that I can work from home and don’t have any major compelling reasons to come into contact with others, so I figure that if my staying home will help keep the community safer, it’s not too high a price to pay.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      “But frustratingly my family is not keeping the same level of standards as I am so I don’t know how to calculate the risks.”

      For me I do a lot of stuff with eating whole foods, vitamins and washing clothes and linens frequently. All this stuff tends to help me feel like I have tried to do something to help me. If something happens outside my norm, I feel it might be easier to control the fallout? It’s a feeling, not anything that is very scientific. I have my sanitizer and spare masks that I go out of the house with. I tell myself what I do when no one is around is as important as what I do when someone is around.

      I do see that there will be much discussion for years to come about Covid vs loneliness. My older friend had a medical issue come up and she needed to see the doc. It turns out that the medical issue is probably stress from being alone so much. I went back to my usual visits with her but added in distancing and masks. The family agreed that for her being alone was a bigger and closer threat than the pandemic. I think the immediacy of the problem is a factor. There’s that tipping point where lonliness surpasses the fear of Covid. Each individual is going to have a unique answer as to where that tipping point is.

      As far as your family, perhaps you have other dear people in your life who DO use similar standards and you could get together with them. Not the same, I am sure. But it could start to knock back that loneliness. Or perhaps you family would agree to play by your standards just for the duration of the visit.

      The fact that you and your immediate household have not gotten sick reads to me like a good sign. You have a good handle on things and you are doing well with your plan and there is the element of luck also. Take a moment to take pride in this- push your worries to one side for a moment and recognize how well you have made out so far.

    12. Chaordic One*

      I’m pretty much acting as if we were still in shelter-in-place mode. I’m working from home for the foreseeable future, and only leaving my house to buy groceries, go to the post office and to take walks around my pleasant uncrowded residential neighborhood. I did break down and attended a Easter brunch with my family (middle-aged sister, 20 and 30-something nephews and nieces, and great nephews in grade school). We still pretty much social distanced from each other, and there was no sharing of utensils, but it was a bit risky I admit. Aside from leaving my house to check the mailbox and go for walks, I haven’t been in any other buildings since a week ago tomorrow.

      I’m spending this holiday weekend alone. I had planned to visit my elderly parents who live a 5 hour drive away, but they say they’ll be fine. I feel a bit bad about it. I’ve been talking to them on the phone everyday. I’m hoping that maybe things will slow down and if so, I’ll attempt to visit them the next time I get some time off which will be the 4th of July weekend.

      If I do go out I wear a mask and gloves, and I try to go out early in the day before the stores get too crowded. It seems like a lot of the people (other customers) in the stores are not social distancing. When they’re not blatantly rude, they’re awfully self-unaware.

    13. acmx*

      I’m definitely more risk tolerant than people that comment here. I have an essential (non medical) job.

      I wear a mask when I’m shopping (groceries and household goods, once a week or less), when I am not at my desk. I do not wear it when running or in parking lots. I don’t go to parks when they are packed. I wear a mask if I use drive thru (as a courtesy).

      I do not wear gloves. I sanitize my hands after shopping and wash after things are put away. I don’t wipe down packaging.

      I won’t eat indoors but I would eat outdoors (if it’s crowded, I wouldn’t stay and eat).

      I’m comfortable flying and will visit an elderly relative. Hotels are ok. I’ve been to the dentist. I wouldn’t go to the salon* or the gym.
      *I can see a man getting a quick trim, but a shampoo and then the blow dryer spreading droplets around? No thanks.

      NPR has an article in Shots on rating the risks of summer activities.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Many salons will not be using hair dryers for that reason. I think some are skipping shampoos too.

    14. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I have a pretty low-risk lifestyle anyway when I’m not working (we don’t have kids or pets, husband can work at home, grocery store and other local amenities in walking distance, no health issues). However, my job is usually on construction sites and I take public transportation to get there, so I am considering staying off work for as long as I can afford it. I don’t trust our government, other people on public transportation, or the principal contractors who run sites to actually follow good practices. On the other hand my job is outdoor, so if I am able to get a job that is in a more rural area I might consider buying a car. If I do end up going back to work and taking public transportation I would definitely wear a mask while on the train.

      Our cases are still going up in my city and it has been one of the worst hit areas, so I am not going to be going shopping or to restaurants etc. anytime soon, even if they open up. I have a mask that I have worn to the supermarket the last two trips and I’m going to make some more, although I have not been cleaning packages or wearing gloves.

    15. Anono-me*

      I think you have to do some research and find medical and scientific resources that you have faith in and can understand.

      The CDC, state medical departments (not just yours), Mayo Clinic, BBC and National Health, and Snopes are all places to start. I like having a a combination of three sources. Because a lot of it is interpretation and projection. (I also Snopes check anything that sounds weird.)

      I have found a doctor in California to be very informative. (With some pretty accurate predictions.) He is actually associated with an Allergy Clinic in Southern California. Which seems weird on the face of it. However, he was recommended by a medical field friend who knows him. So I took a look and I found his qualifications to be impressive and his information to be accessible and informative. (Link to Follow )

    16. Llama Face!*

      Thank you everyone for your helpful comments, advice, and links. It’s been very useful to read through your perspectives!

    17. allathian*

      Our area has been opening up. Last week we had two days of zero covid-related deaths and the rest of the days there were only a handful. There’s plenty of room in ICUs, to the point that some hospitals are thinking of bringing elective surgeries back, both to avoid an excessive backlog and to ensure that they don’t have to furlough any ICU staff. That said, many health care workers are relieved to get a summer vacation after all.
      Schools are back in session, although they are social distancing as far as possible, with staggered lunch and recess, and toilets assigned by class and no assemblies.
      We haven’t been asked or mandated to wear masks yet.
      I can WFH 100% and although there’s no longer a blanket ban on going to the office, I’m staying home. I’m not comfortable using public transport yet, so I’m not going to the office. However, my beard was making me feel so miserable that I took a calculated risk to make an appointment with my beautician to get it removed last weekend (I usually go every five or six weeks, hadn’t been since early March). That’s literally the only non-essential thing I’ve done. I haven’t had a haircut yet, but that’s mainly because my hair salon is near my office and I’m not comfortable going there yet.
      My in-laws visited us and it was great. We stayed outdoors at a safe social distance and potted some plants they brought for us.

  63. Dating Advice*

    How do I know if I’m too picky with finding a boyfriend? For context, I’m a early 20s female from the he Mid-Atlantic and long-distance isn’t my thing.
    Here’s my ideal guy:
    1 Don’t smoke; Don’t abuse legal drugs or use illegal drugs; Controls drinking habits
    2 No piercings; No tattoos
    3 Have a college degree and full-employed (if not in school, but employment status is currently negotiable due the the pandemic).
    4 Politically conservative (or very conservative)
    5 Be a practicing, devout, traditional Catholic who believes in ALL the church teachings.
    6 Can do stuff like laundry (this includes putting dirty clothes in the basket), doing dishes, cooking
    7 Kind and good with kids
    I’m often told that I should go out on dates to meet people/have fun (for me, dating is trying to figure out if we should get married) and that I should accept every time a guy wants to go on a date with me.

    1. nep*

      Knowing what one wants and what will work and won’t work is not being picky. You live with your decisions and your standards, no one else.
      No real advice here, but I would just scrap the ‘shoulds’…’I’m often told’–by whom? When it comes to deciding whom you want to be with, someone else’s ‘shoulds’ don’t count.

    2. JDC*

      I mean you want what you want but if you just reject someone who isn’t exactly all of those you’ll be waiting a long time. Frankly even having a list will hold you back. It should just be liking that person and agreeing on major life basics.

    3. fposte*

      I think online dating might be a good thing to consider. I don’t know enough to recommend any Catholic-specific sites or apps, but that’s definitely worth exploring, as are the more conservative nondenominational sites like eHarmony. It’s the best way, when you have specific cultural requirements, to start with that understanding rather than finding out whether it exists after the date starts. You don’t have to be long-distance–unless you’re in the back of the mid-Atlantic beyond, there are likely to be men with those characteristics reasonably close to you–but using the service/app to identify the like-minded will cut out a lot of work.

    4. Disco Janet*

      Oh boy, I might be opening a can of worms here, but I do think some of these are too picky.
      1, 6, and 7 seem like obvious must-haves

      4 and 5 are not my cup of tea, but regardless I’d say that it’s not always necessary to be so rigid on that. My husband was pretty neutral on most topics when we met, but through our discussions he started doing more of his own research rather than just what his parents raised him to believe, and now he’s actually more strongly liberal than I am (which for me is a good thing, since I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum from you).

      2 seems like a nitpick to me, but I suppose aligns with #5

      3 is where you completely lose me. You’d turn down an amazing, kind guy whose ideals match yours because he doesn’t have a college degree? Someone can be intelligent and have a good, stable job without having a college degree.

      1. Mx*

        4 and 5 are essential as you need a spouse on the same page as you politically and religiously.
        6 can be taught if the person is willing to make the effort.
        Not sure why 3 is so important ? People without college degrees can be successful. He can find a full time job later.He can also lose his full time job if he has one.

    5. university minion*

      I don’t think you’re going to find someone who meets all these criteria outside your church or people you know from church.
      You are also unlikely to find a man with the very traditional upbringing you describe who also does number 6 on your list. In my experience, those two tend to be fairly exclusive.
      One last question to ponder: Is this your what your elders/peers/society have suggested you should be your ideal partner? Or what you actually want in a partner?

      1. Washi*

        Yes, I have seen my religious friends struggle with this. They’re not politically conservative even, but they want their husband to have the role of spiritual head of the family. However, in practice, most guys who would say that being the spiritual head of the family is important to them also buy into a lot of other gender norms. Like they will help when asked, but they need to be asked and they think of it as helping (though maybe that would not be a problem for the OP?). Not saying that such a person does not exist… but definitely a challenge.

        1. blackcat*

          Yeah, my cousin’s husband is a (very conservative) pastor, and he says he frequently counsels men to do more laundry and dishes (and, importantly, to just *do* it, without being asked). Apparently the conservative men in his congregation either are offended by this suggestion or totally baffled that this is even possible!

          But to be fair, my extremely liberal, atheist husband is not great at doing stuff without being asked. While there may be some correlation, I think it may be relatively weak.

          1. blackcat*

            As an addendum, it’s hard to know about #6. My husband grew up with a slob for a mom and a dad who did nearly 100% of the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc. My husband’s ability to do domestic stuff seemed to plummet with the birth of our child, which is very much a thing.

            So IDK. #6 is very important, but so hard to know.

          2. Washi*

            Yeah, I agree that it’s definitely not a binary of liberal guys do housework, conservative guys don’t! Most humans don’t particularly enjoy housework to begin with, plus there’s the gender roles socialization that almost everyone gets regardless of background (in the US at least). So maybe the correlation is actually weak and liberal guys are just more likely to pay lip service to the concept :)

            1. Rexish*

              I guess it comes down to does the slob refuse to do it because it is womans job, or they ignore it cause they are lazy and/or don’t mind the mess.

              1. blackcat*

                I mean, in my husband’s case it was because his dad didn’t delegate ANY housework to anyone, he never really learned to “see” what needed to be done.

              2. A Teacher*

                I think it’s often like this: either they admit to themselves that it’s a woman’s job and think that’s just fine OR they agree with gender equality and think it’s a good thing but have unexamined biases that make them unconsciously assign housework to their female partner.

                And facets thereof, of course.

    6. BRR*

      I think there’s a vast middle ground between a rigid list and go on a date every time a guy asks you. I’d probably be a little more flexible on your list but would never go on a date every time a guy asks (and I hope you’re asking guys as well). Keep in mind you can also talk with guys before an actual date and decide if it’s worth having a date and early dates are to get to know someone.

    7. LGC*

      Like…I don’t think it’s overly picky, but mostly because I’m not you. (If I had to summarize, you want a “clean-cut” conservative Catholic guy to start a family with.) I would suggest church functions, but that’s mostly not happening right now. Alternately, it depends on where you’re looking – you’re far more likely to find what you want on ChristianMingle (or…I totally forgot the Catholic-specific version of that) as opposed to – like – Tinder.

      I think, taking the most benign view…people are telling you to go out on more dates so you can figure out whether Mr. Right has to check off all of those boxes. (I’m going to spare you from all the possible interpretations of that.) For what it’s worth, I think some of those points should be negotiable if they’re not – for example, it’s 2020 and even good Catholic boys get ink and piercings sometimes. If I had to rank them: make 1, 5, and 7 the most important; 6 can be learned, but he needs to want to learn; 3 is open to negotiation, since he might have a good job without a college degree; 4 is probably going to follow along with 5, but on its own is not that important; and then I noted my issues with 2 in the last sentence.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      Going to have to agree with university minion here. 2, 3, 4, 5, and 7 may not be that difficult to find, but #6 with all of those is highly unlikely. Most liberal het guys don’t do their fair share of housework. The more conservative/traditional you get around gender lines, the more learned helplessness around housework the guy is likely to have.

      And as for #1, I used to work at a Catholic school, and I heard numerous times from teachers and staff that you weren’t a “good Catholic” if you didn’t drink a lot. They were half-joking, of course, but the joke isn’t funny if there isn’t a kernel of truth to it.

    9. Anonnington*

      You’re looking for someone to spend your life with and raise a family with. That’s a serious commitment. It’s good to be picky.

      A lot of the pressure to, “be less picky,” and to go on more dates comes from other people’s agendas. People want you to be in a relationship. They want you to, “settle,” because they’re competitive and they want to out-do you (even if they’re not fully aware of this). They don’t necessarily share your values or fully appreciate you.

      You should be more picky than you would be about selecting a college to go to, or accepting a job offer, or buying a car or a house. Because this is a more serious commitment.

      And your list sounds pretty attainable. You just have to find a nice, conservative, Catholic guy who loves kids and believes in cooperation when it comes to household chores. I think you can find that.

      I would skip online dating because it can skew towards guys with short-term goals. I would, instead, look within the groups you mentioned – Catholics and conservatives. Meet people at church events and political events. Not just guys but nice women who you can open up to. Someone could introduce you to guys who meet your criteria.

      And definitely don’t go on dates with guys you’re not interested in. Save your time and energy, and theirs. Just focus what you value and on finding the right guy.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      You could ask around within your personal network (family, friends of friends, friends of family, etc.) but you have to be comfortable setting limits if people ask prying questions about why you didn’t enjoy meeting your cousin’s neighbor’s hairdresser’s brother-in-law.

      I’m no expert on the American Catholic community, but can you connect with other like-minded people (believing & practicing Catholics, political conservatives) through lecture series, volunteer activities, book clubs, singles groups, or whatever else interests you? Do you know any clergy or religious who work to nurture community? It seems to me best for you to decide your top two or three priorities and go from there.

      Like you, I always wanted to share life with someone aligned politically and religiously, so I became active in compatible religious/ethnic circles. (I’m Jewish. We don’t all tilt liberal, but many of us do, so in that area I did not have much difficulty finding compatible people.)

      Sometimes we have a list and end up connecting with someone who doesn’t check every box. That’s a personal decision. If it works for the people involved, it’s not the business of anyone else.

      I hope you find a warm community as well as a good companion.

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’m not sure about “picky” but maybe a bit unrealistic. Because some of this stuff meshes well together, but some doesn’t.

      Mesh Well:
      Catholic, conservative, no illegal drugs, no tattoos or piercings – a devout catholic is most likely to be all of the other things on that list. I wouldn’t say it makes it more likely that he’s kind or employed… but it doesn’t make it less likely either.

      The only problem here is: how many available Catholic men are there in your area? Also, you don’t have to answer but… do you want him to be of a specific race? Because there’s a lot of Hispanic Catholics in some areas, but whites tend to lean protestant in the USA unless you’ve got a strong Irish or Italian demographic. So, just numbers-wise, you might have a small pool to choose from. Also, how old are you? Because conservative Catholics tend to marry young and not divorce, so if you’re looking for anything above 25, you’re gonna have pretty small selection.

      Might Mesh:
      Controlled drinking, college. The jokes about Catholics and booze exist for a reason, but you’ve got a realistically good chance of a light drinker. Similarly, while people tend to get less religious and conservative the more educated they are, there’s still a lot of college-educated conservative religious men out there. If you specifically want a Catholic, though, you should probably be at a catholic college or a VERY predominately catholic area.

      Probably not going to mesh:

      Does housework and childcare. Yeah… you probably aren’t going to get this if you go for the other stuff. Sorry. The thing about childcare and housework is that 1.) it’s a pretty “liberal” notion that men should pull their weight here, and 2.) these jobs suck. Accordingly, the chances of a conservative man deciding to adopt one of the least-fun tenets of liberalism is pretty unlikely.

      He wants to be a little sexually liberated (for him, at least, if not her) or smoke a little weed, or get a divorce from someone he really dislikes? Those are liberal ideas that he might enjoy, so he’d have a motivation to agree with them. Not be a homophobe or racist? Well, hey, it’s not *too much* effort to at least pay lip service to the idea. But to actively cook, clean, and child-rear? That sucks. That’s time and effort out of his life that he could spend relaxing. Plus his equally-conservative guy friends probably aren’t going to support the notion, so there’s really very, VERY little motivation for him to do that.

      Like another commented said, you’re not even guaranteed a 50% housework partner if you date a feminist man who at least on paper agrees with all that liberal equality stuff. A conservative? Not likely.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        do you want him to be of a specific race? Because there’s a lot of Hispanic Catholics in some areas, but whites tend to lean protestant in the USA unless you’ve got a strong Irish or Italian demographic.

        Good point. Even though no one wants to think their behaviors are informed by or reinforce racist systems, we all know in hetero dating (and, to a certain extent in queer dating), Black women and Asian men in the U.S. are the least contacted demographics, and tons of Filipinos are devout Catholics.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Eh, while I think race-fetishizers are gross, I’m very hesitant to condemn people who are like “I want a spouse from my minority that shares my experiences/culture,” or someone who’s like “I don’t want to deal with a disappointed mother-in-law from a culture that’s very insular,” or whatever.

          It sorta clashes with my “there’s no right to fair or equal distribution of booty” policy. Also if you really are sorta racist in your choices… I don’t think anyone you refuse to date is missing out? So I’m just like “sure, want whatever, but don’t cry if you’ve narrowed down your demographic so far that there just isn’t a viable pool of options.”

          OP, can you learn to make Tapsilog?

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            Also if you really are sorta racist in your choices… I don’t think anyone you refuse to date is missing out?

            Racism isn’t just personal “I’m a bigot.” It’s a whole system. We are all part of that system. And we can work to resist that system.

            1. Traffic_Spiral*

              Sure, in general. However, in specific, no one is being deprived of anything special or good when a racist decides not to date them.

          2. Anonymous Educator*

            My point was more to stay open-minded. If this is really your list what’s important to you, don’t overlook people who might actually check all those boxes but aren’t people you aren’t necessarily immediately thinking of. If there’s no point in challenging your own interests and whims and instincts, I don’t even see what the point of free-for-all or open-thread is…

          3. lazy intellectual*

            Agree. I’m not a fan of policing people’s dating choices. Sorry, but I’m not going to solve racism overnight by dating someone checks off a bunch of minority statuses.

            I prefer to date people within my ethnic group, but since we are such a small demographic, have occasionally branched out. Jesus people LOVE to police other women’s dating choices. I’ve had people chastise me for refusing to date people outside my ethnic group, for refusing to date outside my class (most Asians in my area are middle class), being a “race traitor” for dating outside my ethnic group, and for being a “fetish” for dating a White dude (this suggestion is even more racist than what I’m being accused of). Please leave other people alone when it comes to who they go out with.

    12. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

      I’m reminded of the punchline of an ancient joke from National Lampoon: “if you find a guy like that, *I’ll* marry him!”

      I don’t think you’re being too picky. I think it’s a very good thing that you’ve got some practical criteria beyond “he’s my true love”.

      I think, though, that as you meet various potential spouses, you may find yourself willing to bend on a few items (4, 5, and 6, especially)(couples who completely agree on religion and politics tend to be very, very boring).

      But I think you should Hang Tough on the other stuff – possibly bend on #2 if it was a one-time youthful mistake or the artifact of a military career, and ‘college degree’ is optional if he’s ‘self-made’ and has a good job / career / future.

      Other than that, you may wish to Google on ‘secretary problem’. Seriously.

    13. Policy wonk*

      When we are no longer under covid-19 restrictions, find out which Catholic parishes in your area are conservative, get the bulletins, see what activities they have for young adults, and go to those that interest you. If there are any Catholic colleges near you, they may also have activities attended by alumni, faculty, grad students. Your list looks reasonable for a conservative Catholic, but I caution that while you will likely find a guy who can meet #6, good luck getting him to do those things.

    14. Parenthetically*

      So, here’s my deal as a Christian (though not at ALL a politically conservative one, FWIW) who used to be super picky and then realized I was really missing the point:

      1. Don’t go out with every guy who asks you. No one is owed your time.

      2. But… like… what about a very devout adult convert to Catholicism who has a tattoo? I think you should spend some time prioritizing and figuring out which of these things are preferences and which are dealbreakers. So, like, if you meet someone you like who fulfills, #1, and then 4-7, but who is a skilled tradesman with a couple of tattoos, are you saying you would genuinely turn him down? I mean, if you would, you do you, but I frankly think that’s a little nuts.

      3. In my observation as someone who grew up in a very religious and very conservative community, your #4&5 are unlikely to be found reliably in combination with your #6.

      4. I agree with others that a Catholic-specific dating site might be a good bet.

      5. I was the same as you with regards to dating being marriage-aimed, but “meeting people and having fun” is how you find that person to marry almost all the time. So I’d say, date more broadly on the preferences, while still dialing in the non-negotiables, don’t get too serious or exclusive from the start, and learn to have fun while you keep your eyes open for a compatible person.

    15. Fikly*

      This strikes me as a bit of an odd list. And I’m trying really hard not to judge because things on this list are personally abhorent to me.

      But some things are about character, while others are more like must have x thing/standard. These are two very different categories. The first is much less likely to change, while the second is. Are they all equally important to you?

    16. Rexish*

      I think the key here is that this is your ideal guy and not a list of must haves. You just need to rememeber that this is an ideal that migh not come along or if he does, you might not actually have feelings for him. Maybe think which of there are requirements and then work from there.
      Such as
      3) Is college degree really a requirement? What if they haven’t gone to college but has a good career?
      5) Are you sure that you want them to believe in ALL church teachings? Are some more important to you than others?
      6) This might contradict with very concervative catholics. There is a difference between is able to and willing to.

      Like others have said, the best place for you to meet someone is at church events. It’s not bad to be picky when picking a life partner but a dream guy and right guy might not always be the same. Also, remember that there are a lot of deeper things that make a good relationship.

      1. Colette*

        Yeah the agree with all church teachings might be difficult. I’m a practicing Catholic from a catholic family. I went through catholic schools. And I know maybe 1 person who fits that bill?

        And people of all faiths (or of no faith) sometimes question and explore different areas of thought, and life sometimes plays into that as well. So someone who believes everything right now might want to explore IVF if they aren’t able to conceive, or be in favour of gay marriage if their brother comes out as gay, or otherwise disagree with some church teachings.

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yeah, this is honestly going to be tough. I wasn’t raised Catholic but spent a number of years working in a Catholic school. Almost all of my colleagues were raised Catholic, identified as Catholic, and were raising their own kids as Catholic, but 99% of them did not adhere to at least 30% of the Catholic doctrine. And I don’t mean they believed something but “disobeyed” certain rules. I mean they genuinely did not believe certain things the church or the pope said.

          1. Colette*

            And some rules (meat on fridays, holy days of obligation) differ between countries, so … which one is acceptable?

        2. Rexish*

          Also, what are the odds that OP truly believes/follows all the teachings herself. Anyhting that provides a rules requires critical thinking and the odds of happy accepting all of them are quite slim.

          1. Fikly*

            I would argue that accepting all rules set out by anything is the opposite of critical thinking.

      2. blackcat*

        Yeah, a skilled tradesperson can have a lot more economic security than your run of the mill BA in communications type.

    17. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      The other funny part about #6 is it’s very hard to determine in a dating context. You can meet a guy with a very tidy apartment, who clearly manages to eat food of some sort (has things in his kitchen other than condiments and take out containers), and does his own laundry (sometimes even irons if he’s in an especially conservative profession). Such a man will *still* often expect his partner to take over all of that (plus raising the kids) after marriage . Like not having to do chores is the reward men get for coupling up. So good luck with that one.

      1. Disco Janet*

        Yep. Usually the way to get a feel for this is if you live together first, but I’m assuming that’s not an option with the conservative/religious leanings.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I get the idea that she’s a virgin and looking for a guy who’s preferably also inexperienced and is willing to wait until marriage.

    18. KiwiApple*

      I may be biased but my partner is a chef and doesn’t have a college degree. Lots of jobs don’t require a college degree and those people can be worth meeting. Some people aren’t that academic but do have skills (like chefs or joiners, carpenters, retail workers, plumbers etc)

      I got my degree in my late 20s/early 30s and it doesn’t change who I was before I got it.

      Also like AAM says, there is no such thing as a dream job -likewise there is no such thing as a perfect man. My own partner isnt perfect ( nor am I! Nor are you!) But he fits what I want in life, is good to me and is wonderful in many many ways so I can forgive the annoying stuff. Or maybe you do in fact find a man who fits everything on your list but there’s no spark when you meet.

    19. My Brain Is Exploding*

      #6 is teachable, and you can learn if someone is teachable. Capt Awkward says she went on many, many first dates. #1 and #5 you should find out ahead of time if they are deal breakers for you. Personally I am not a fan of piercings or tattoos but I think that’s more dependent on where and what they are (nope to the guy in yoga with the naked lady on his back but ok with the memorial arm tattoo for a deceased sibling). #7 you find out by observation.

      1. Parenthetically*

        “#6 is teachable, and you can learn if someone is teachable.”

        Well, sure, it’s teachable, but why should a woman have to teach a man how to perform basic survival functions just because said functions happen to be domestic?

    20. Book Lover*

      I thought Catholics didn’t tend to be very conservative. At least, Catholicism doesn’t seem to align with conservatism, things like the death penalty, aiding the poor, etc. I am pretty sure the pope and the head of the current Conservative party in the US don’t see eye to eye. (I googled, looks like Catholics are pretty 50/50 in voting patterns actually).

      Anyhow, it isn’t picky if that is what you want, but college education and being employed right now are mostly at the mercy of the economy. And you may have to decide between conservatism or equality at home.

      Maybe instead of making lists you could just go out with people and see who you actually like and want to spend time with. When it is safe to do so.

      1. Julie*

        Depending on what country you’re in, if “politically conservative” means “aligned with the dominant right wing party” then it’s not possible to be both politically conservative and faithful to all Catholic teachings.

        Free market right wingery is not conservative at all, but that’s another digression.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        In the US, a lot of Catholics lean politically conservative. (There are many liberal Catholics as well, but it’s not unusual to find conservative Catholics.)

      3. Anon For This*

        I’ve seen it go both ways. I think it depends a lot on which Catholic teachings people prioritize, and what their other views are. I have met many liberal Catholics, but many are pro-life and some are conservative about gender and LGBTQ+ issues. Focusing on those issues seems to be more of a US thing, though. Catholics from other countries, or even whose parents immigrated from another country, seem to generally be more liberal and focused on the overall human rights side of it (addressing poverty, homelessness, etc).

        But I’m not Catholic, so I’ll leave it to the Catholics to speak more definitively about this!

    21. Anono-me*

      You don’t have to settle and you don’t have to date people that you don’t want to date. No one should have to. (And it’s usually not very respectful of the other persons time and feelings.)

      I think you probably should consider going on a website like Catholicmatch or Ave Maria. (If you do, please still follow all the best practices for online 5dating. Just because he SAYS he’s Catholic, doesn’t mean he’s a good person.)

      But I also think it would be helpful for you to sit down beforehand and think about what you mean by believing ALL the church teachings*. Because I’ve heard that type of comment by so many Catholics on so many different sides of the same issue that it’s kind of useless. For example, when someone describes a staunch Catholic who is conservative both politically and personally; I immediately think of a someone who is some sort of Traditionalist Catholic (in good standing). You get to want what you want. But you might have a better shot of actually getting it, if you’re as specific as you can be about what you are looking for.

      * Catholics are more diverse than most people outside the church realize.

      1. Parenthetically*

        YES to your paragraph about what you mean by “staunch Catholic.” I have three friends I’d consider extremely devoutly Catholic. One is an intersectional fat activist who writes about embodiment and privilege and social justice, one is a politically progressive black feminist who is also a single foster parent, and one is a tattooed and pierced video game/Harry Potter nerd with spiky purple hair.

    22. Jedi Squirrel*

      I am the exact opposite of you. Male, twice your age, atheist/agnostic, liberal. But goodness gracious, I wish I’d come up with a list like this when I was your age and looking for someone. It would have saved me a lot of trouble and expense and heartache.

      I think it’s good to know what you want. It’s good to know what are the “musts” in a relationship and what are “I’m not a fan, but I can live with it” kind of things.

      I do think that you would do best looking at places from within your religion to meet other people, though. That is where you are going to meet somebody who ticks those “must have” boxes first. After all, anyone can be trained to do the dishes and the laundry.

      I hope for the best for you! Let us know if you find the right guy.

    23. Courageous cat*

      Whew, don’t have much productive to say except good luck finding a very conservative guy who is going to be your equal in housework. If your and his views don’t support equality across the board then you’re probably not going to find it there, either.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yeah – it’s tough to even find liberal guys who do this. Most liberal guys I know technically BELIEVE that men should shoulder equal responsibilities to women, but unfortunately don’t have the habit and conditioning of doing housework.

        You don’t learn to take care of a home over night. It takes years of conditioning to know that if there is a pile of laundry, it’s YOUR responsibility to wash it. Or if the counter is dirty, YOU need to pick up the sponge and wipe it down. I’ve had several male roommates in my early twenties, and none of them knew how to use a vacuum cleaner or a mop.

      2. allathian*

        Funny, when I was interning in Spain in the late 90s, I shared a big apartment with 6 other people. The four Spanish, Catholic (two of them went to Mass every Sunday) college guys were the most houseproud of us all! Much more so than we, the Scandinavian women ever were.

    24. Aurora Leigh*

      I think it’s very good to take dating seriously and to have your list of musts in mind while looking for a partner.

      I don’t know if you’ll meet someone that meets ALL your qualifications, but sometimes you realize what you can flex a little on when you meet someone.

      I do reccomend online dating (it’s not just for desperate people, I promise!). I met my husband on Match, but I tried Christian Mingle too. Is he perfect? No, but neither am I. We get mail for opposite political parties, but we’re both pretty fed up with the current state of both parties. He is agnostic and I’m Lutheran. But we’re both able to be very respectful of each other’s beliefs and that was the main baseline for me.

    25. Not So NewReader*

      The thing that jump at me is that you should go on dates with every guy who asks. This is not safe. Please do not do this. And please give serious thought about anyone who gives out this type of advice. No, just NO.

      I’d look at this list and say what is a “must have” and a deal breaker if it’s not in place. Then I look at the list and say what is a “nice to have”. I started making a list of examples and deleted it. What I think does not matter here, what matters is that you know where you can flex some.

      Another thing I would look at is “Am I prepared to live by the same standards I ask of my person?”. This is because our SOs will call us out on our own ambiguity.
      Additionally we change as we age. What are your ideas about changes over time? I married a guy who belonged to X National Group (a well known and now controversial group). Years later, I showed him articles regarding the stuff they had shifted to being interested in. (It was one thing in the 1950s but it was something hugely different in the 1980s.) He said that was not what he signed on for and he canceled his membership. People change and some of the changes happen because of externals.

      Where I am going with this is that marriage is a journey. Hopefully people grow themselves and they grow more together as a couple. My husband out-grew X group. But I out-grew things also. I’d like to encourage you to put thought into what your marriage with this person would look like 20 years out. Look at each one of these stipulations and ask why you think that stipulation is necessary. How does it help ensure the longevity and health of a relationship? I’d also like to encourage you to figure out what you will do for YOU to help yourself feel secure in the marriage. I am concerned because if you have some fears going on you should talk about those fears with your long term partner when you find this person.

    26. Observer*

      2 thoughts:

      that I should accept every time a guy wants to go on a date with me.

      That is utter nonsense. Anyone who is giving you that advice is not someone you should be discussing your life with. They don’t respect you and they don’t have a healthy view of like and relationships.

      As for your list – the one I think you really need to rethink is #3. It’s not about whether you value education or not – that’s a very different issue. But the reality is that a degree tells you nothing about a person in any significant way. So, you are limiting yourself for reasons that have nothing to do with your ideals, whatever they are.

    27. HBJ*

      I don’t think you’re being picky except with #3. There are tons and tons of men (women too) who make a very solid living and can support a family without a college degree. My husband is one. His first job out of trade school in his industry, he made more than half again as much as I did with a four-year degree in my first job out of college and in my industry.

      I completely agree with your parentheses in your last sentence.

      I think you should try to find someone through your church, social groups, or family and friend connections.

    28. AcademiaNut*

      For a lot of people, dating is about fun meeting people – for you it isn’t. You’re looking for marriage, and you have very specific deal beakers. I don’t think you’d enjoy casual dating. Given your list, I’d say that you should be looking for potential partners through your church community, or through on-line matching that’s specifically aimed at a conservative religious demographic.

      What I would recommend is to pay attention to whether you’re actually meeting people who fulfill your requirements. If you aren’t, you need to stop and think about priorities, and whether you’d prefer to compromise on your list, or stay single. Ditto if you’re meeting people who match your list, but you don’t end up liking them much.

      You might have a problem if you’re looking at people your own age. The demographics of people who are university educated, fully employed, and looking for a marriage and children bound relationship in the near future is going to skew older – maybe look at guys in their late 20s or early 30s (or course, at that age, they also tend to be more experienced, relationship wise, which could conflict with #5). Maybe widowers with kids looking for a second wife? I also agree with other posters that #6 doesn’t match with the rest (being religiously/politically very conservative but egalitarian about household tasks).

    29. StellaBella*

      When I was in my early 30’s, in Seattle, I made a list, too, so I get this. I had gone on a few Match . com dates, and after that was like …. ‘ hmmmm, need to make a list and before I agree to go out to coffee with a guy, need to check these things…’ Similar to your list, mine included 1 and 6 and generally had to match my liberal beliefs and did not want kids either. After a few dates and mis-Matches, my list also included, must like dogs, must have a job of some sort, must not live in parents basement and play video games all day, must not own weaponry, must not have been engaged in US military action in places like Honduras in the 80s, and must have an up to date photo on the dating site because a pic over ten years old is false advertising, and must be honest.

      I ended up with a couple of good male friends from a few years of casual dates like this but I am still single, over 50, and I never met one that I felt was the right fit, so we maybe would date a couple of years then break things off.

      My point here is that you should prioritise the items on your list, it seems like 1, 2, 4, and 5 should be the main deal breakers, then 7, then 3 and 6 once you get to know someone.

      Talk to your family priest about meetups – maybe actually suggest planning some young adult events to mix and mingle once covid is more under control. Agree with others who are suggesting to look within your church functions, diocese, etc. The Mid-Atlantic region geographically usually includes New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Washington, D.C., Virginia, and West Virginia…. there are A LOT of Catholic groups in those places, and if you are interested in meeting a man who is Italian-American or Irish-American Catholic, you would be good to go… Good luck.

    30. Koala dreams*

      A lot of women get told to be less picky when it comes to romance, part of it is pithy for single women and putting being together on a pedestal, part of it is sexist ideas about women (shouldn’t demand too much, should value men’s needs over their own, etc). I wouldn’t put too much thought to those comments. Personally I’ve always thought it’s better to be single than living with a man who sees you as the maid and cook. Obviously people have different ideas about that. Some things on your list might not be as important as you thought, but as I don’t know you, I couldn’t know. Anyway, you’ll find out eventually.

      I also struggle with dating, but I think having fun and meeting people are important. If you don’t meet people you won’t meet potential partners either, and if you don’t have fun you won’t spend enough time together to know if you want to be together. Also, wouldn’t you want to know that you can have fun together before you marry someone?

    31. Dancing Otter*

      You seem to be getting a lot of recommendations to drop #3, about education. Are you yourself college educated? Is this your way of saying that you want someone who is your intellectual equal? Someone who values education? Or just someone with good earning potential?

      A college education does not always translate into high earnings, depending on the subject. Think of all the theatre majors waiting tables, and PHDs scrambling to make ends meet with multiple adjunct positions. Even with steady employment, teachers don’t make a lot of money. Some of the trades, such as plumbers and electricians, are very well paid. If #3 is code for someone who will be able to support a large family, you might want to reconsider the college requirement.

      Respect for education IS important, though. Just don’t fall for someone who thinks it’s only important for boys, which was a very traditional attitude a couple of generations ago.

      Intellectual equal can be tricky. A big mismatch here can be a problem, whichever direction it goes. It’s important to be able to respect your spouse and be respected by him. But it isn’t education that makes someone intelligent, and lack of education may be due to lack of opportunity rather than lack of intelligence.

      Good luck.

      1. Observer*

        The thing is that having a degree is not only not a good indicator of earnings potential, but it’s also not a good indicator of respect for education, intellectual attainment, or even actual education level.

        To take a rather extreme but real example, a number of years ago one of the schools in the CUNY system was allowing students to graduate without basic English literacy or fluency. I mean they literally had never passed English 101 and were being allowed to take core classes in languages other than English. And this was for degrees intended to funnel people into professions where English literacy IS an absolute requirement such as nursing.

        These graduates were NOT going to be able to get good jobs, and the fact that they didn’t learn enough English to actually be able to communicate in the language of the land says something about their attitude towards education.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Yeah – I think college degrees in the U.S. don’t mean much anymore because they are more a means of revenue for colleges/universities than anything else. I used to work for a firm where we had higher education clients. You would not believe the number of nonsense programs these universities come up with every year as another cash grab. And they will select anyone.

          I have an undergraduate and graduate degree. I don’t think they make me smart so much as just trained to do the job I’m currently doing.

    32. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Consider reframing #3 slightly. Is this what you’re trying to define? Intelligent, articulate, interested in reading & learning, understands the importance of education, has a reliable income with a likelihood of advancement.
      Because that would match someone I know who went into the military to pay for college, but got trained in a trade that he started working in after his military service ended. At a company that promotes from within.
      (No I’m not playing matchmaker, just posing an exception that might redefine her rule.)

    33. Coffee Bean*

      You’ve gotten a ton of replies, but you might find success on CatholicMatch(.)com – one of my good friends is conservative/religious and she met her husband on there. We live in the Northeast.

    34. Resource*

      There’s a TED talk by a woman who used data analysis techniques to find her guy online. She was remarkably specific with great success – very happily married per the TED talk. Amy Webb, How I Hacked Online Dating. It’s entertaining as well as informative.

    35. Zooey*

      Just out of curiosity do you know anyone at all who checks these boxes? Friends, friends’ spouses/ partners, family members , anyone in your church, work, social circle? Just curious. I’m in the mid Atlantic region almost twice your age and not catholic but I don’t know that I’ve met anyone that would fulfill your list. Not saying the list is impossible or unreasonable. I just haven’t met the person you’ve described.

      I wish you luck. But agree with all of the commenters who say don’t date everyone who asks you out. Please don’t do that. Date people you want to date. You don’t owe anyone your time.

  64. To-do lists*

    I am really good at completing tasks. However I am terrible at projects that cannot be completed in one go: I don’t estimate well how long things will take but also have trouble with consistency. So what happens often is that I end up with a ginormous to-do list that may contain lots of “do 5 items of x” or ” do this for 30 min” – so I don’t really achieve any consistency. I guess a correlate is that I have trouble taking in how much time realistically I have say before or after work to get things done (after regular chores/cooking/pets etc). Some of those things are more urgent than others and end up getting done in a rush “cramming” kind of way (taxes for example) – which I was trying to avoid by planning – and others just basically weigh on me. Any suggestions on how I can approach this differently?

    1. fposte*

      Yeah, I suffer from this too. I think it would be fine not to have consistency, but it seems like it’s not working for you. For me it hugely helps to name those substeps: find real estate taxes, pull together 1099s, print out W-2, rather than just “do tax paperwork.” Even “clean house” would be a hell, no for me. Vacuum couch and floor, wipe down surfaces in the bathroom and kitchen? Yeah, I can do that. (And of course this is all in a to-do list wherein I get to cross off items.)

      I think it’s really hard to estimate time on stuff like taxes because 1) once a year is too far apart to be able to remember well and 2) it and you will keep changing. So that’s where breaking it into steps will help–you end up with the equivalent of a progress bar as you go, and you can start earlier if you know what small tasks to start with. I also struggle when I face a task cold; I start thinking about how I’m going to look up my W-2 on the website while I’m doing whatever before that, so my brain is primed for the transition to that task.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Love what fposte says. Also, it sounds like you are combining trying to build long-term habit-building (exercise 30 minutes a day) with short term items (mail birthday gift to mom), as well as big projects. Ultimately, the pieces of each could go on your to-do list, but it might help if you track them separately as well for the big stuff.

      For long term habit building, the idea of breaking things down in tiny steps – look at BJ Fogg. I did start going to the gym by taking a sheet and breaking down the possible steps – get new shoes (adequate padding in the soles); buy 1-2 decent sports bras; find and put the exercise wear possible clothes in one drawer; then dig out a duffle bag for a gym bag. Those steps then let me pack the bag.

      At the same time, my taxes involved me gathering up all my receipts; which involved me filing the stuff on my desk; the receipts then went on a spreadsheet; I also printed out all of my tax forms; I set up folders and put them all in one dedicated place. (this entire part of the project took me 2 months total – I delayed a lot… had to make phone calls to get receipts, or ask questions, etc). Then completing the questionnaire from my accountant, then scanning everything in and emailing to them; then setting an appointment to have the phone call for when they were done so I could finish them.

      (each of these steps was a day for me; I work too much and I make a lot of excuses). Each step went on my daily index card. (one step from each personal project to move me forward). From someone onl here, I learned to do one thing a day, for me, first thing in the morning – this has been a transformation. Check out changing my car insurance coverage… negotiating a new rate on my internet (contract expiring); one big thing a day.

      These are very different for me than my new habit of walking the dog for 30 minutes a day in sun. For that, I put it on my work calendar. If I put it on the “to-do” list, it does not get done.

      Days when I struggle with depression/anxiety, I struggle to pick up the index card. But having the scheduled walk time, and the “one thing done” makes it not so bad that I didn’t get to other things.

      Another key? I keep two lists. The daily index card has my top 3; I keep a more complete list that I can pull from, if I get through the priority list. Not all of the top 3 are hard; sometimes they are “print out 1099-NT from bank” and “put gift in a mailing box.” But at least one gets done each day, and that helps a lot.

      Lastly – on the B.J. Fogg things. I tie my long term ongoing habits to daily activities. My allergy medication? I take it with my first cup of coffee. One of my balance exercises? (Standing on one leg and doing balancing)… I do it during my tooth brushing.

      I did do this through a combo of the Panda Planner, the BJ Fogg training I did, and some time management reading. It is whatever works for you. I couldn’t free up the time to get deep into any method; small repeatable pieces work the best for me. YMMV.

    3. Colette*

      Can you minimize the places where you have to make choices? For example, I exercise first thing in the morning every weekday. There’s no decision to it – I get up, get dressed in my exercise clothes, and get going. When I did an exercise class, I always booked it so that I had to leave as soon as I got home (or stopped on the way home) – it’s much harder to get off the couch than it is to not sit down in the first place.

      Can you get your consistency by dedicating the same amount of time every day to getting stuff done? E.g. immediately after work, spend 30 minutes on the to-do list.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      First thing to do is breathe, there are no perfect plans. Ever. Down-sizing your expectations of yourself might help.

      Always pad your time estimates. I add 20% at least. But you may want to double your estimates until you get a feel for how things are actually going.

      You mention about projects that carry on over several days.
      For me I try to limit how many of those several day projects I have open at one time. I don’t let myself open up a new project if I already have three in progress. I have to finish one of the three before I can move on. In a recent example, I had paint drying on one project, glue drying on another project and parts on order for a third project.
      The glue dried first, so that got finished and put away. Then, I could pull out a different multi-day project. The paint project needed a second coat and the parts were going to be a while. The next day the second coat dried and I could put that project to rest. This meant I could pull out a second replacement project.

      Some weeks are not good weeks for a multi-day project- work is busy, the car is broken, etc. But sometimes it’s just one day of the week that is particularly bad. I keep with my plan, I don’t open up any new projects until the open ones are finished. If it takes on into next week to finish then so be it. Yes, there are times i get ticked at the project and just toss it because I realize it’s not worth my energy. This creates an instant open slot for a new multi-day project.

      Looking at time frames: I have about 45 minutes in the morning and at night to work on smaller projects. Sometimes I have to get things set up over the weekend, such as getting the chair all sanded so I can spend four days putting on two different colors of paint. There are days where I can spend longer and days where I have zero time, so I use averages here to figure out what I might be able to do.

      I like to put some of the mindless projects on for during the week. It’s a nice mental break to focus on just washing blankets, for example. Not strenous work but gives me a sense of accomplishment.

      As fposte points out taxes are their own unique animal. I would count taxes as one of my three open multi-day projects. If I have had an extraordinary year, I might give taxes the same weight as TWO open multi-day projects. This gives me more wiggle room. With once a year tasks like taxes or washing windows etc., I look at the task and say to myself, “This year is lost, but how can I make this easier for next year?” When I am on that given task I use the opportunity to think about streamlining and organizing the task so it’s not such a head-banger of a task. I label things so well, I swear a 2 y/o child could follow along. But I find that *I* need that level of thoroughness because I don’t always have the brain space to instantly remember what I did. Give yourself the helpers you need be it labels or special programs or a nice filing cabinet. I am currently considering startng a small note book for my taxes. I would keep the book in the tax file for the upcoming year. I can jot things down as they occur to me. It’s amazing how adding simple things can turn a task around.

      1. lasslisa*

        I am a very optimistic time estimator (taxes should only take the number of minutes spent actively typing in numbers, right?) so I triple my time estimates the first time I do something new. 1x to figure it out, 1x to do it, and 1x to go back and fix or touch up all the stuff I missed and only noticed later.

        It also helps to lay it out in more detail (like above – figuring out a plan and checking my work got added to the mental list of steps).

        For me, though, sometimes it’s better to just start and let myself be hooked on one thing for a longer time, rather than try to do ten minutes a day or whatever. So think about if that’s really the best method for you. If it does need to be daily, try to find a *specific* time where you can make it a habit, put it on your calendar, set an alarm, etc.

    5. chi chan*

      I take one day a week, usually Monday to map out the week. Day to day decisions exhaust me. Should I run an errand or do something else? I always leave buffer room in the plan so I can rearrange things but I only do so if it is really needed. Also I always reward myself after doing a task I don’t enjoy like taxes. Even if I did it in a hodge podge not perfect way. It helps me come back to it more positively next time. Small rewards like chocolate or a new episode.

  65. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Took a long walk, did a quick home project I’d be putting off, and spoke to my whole family. And it’s only 1:30.

    This long weekend is a good test of home I’m going to do unemployed, and it’s already not great. How does everyone fill the hours on a budget? Normally I’d pick up books at the library, but mine isn’t open yet and I really dislike reading on my phone. Chores will only take me so far!

    1. Blue Eagle*

      I have a Winged Wahoo in my front yard that has many small shoots sprouting from it. You are welcome to have some for your yard.

    2. Colette*

      Do you have hobbies you like to do? Cooking is something I hate, but maybe you like meal planning and making new things. Exercise can be done for free.

      As far as crafts go, origami is pretty cheap; there are sites that let you build video games (Scratch, flowlab.io, gamefroot – my favourite of the 3 is flowlab, which has really good intro videos).

      Gardening can also be inexpensive, if you have space for it. Drawing doesn’t need many supplies. Take a broken appliance apart and see how it works.

      When I was unemployed, this was my schedule:
      – sleep in, get up naturally
      – eat, read email
      – check job postings, apply if appropriate
      – exercise and/or do something I wanted to do project-wise
      – spend 15 minutes doing something I’d been procrastinating on

    3. Stephanie*

      When I was out of work, I did physical activity. Either running or hiking or going to the gym. Admittedly, I was in Arizona where it never rains and the hot weather is avoidable. I did cooking projects or checked out books from the library (which you can’t do now, unfortunately).

  66. lazy intellectual*

    Secret crush confessional! Have you ever had a crush that you never admitted to – whether to them and/or anyone? Do you still carry a torch for this person?

    I have no idea why, but last night I had a flashback to my high school crush. He was a guy in my friend circle and I always secretly liked him. I never did anything about it because…well I was really shy and just didn’t have any confidence I guess! I just realized that I never admitted this to anyone – not even some of my HS friends I still hang out with! (Mostly because I forgot/it never came up.)

    1. tangerineRose*

      I had so many crushes in high school that I never admitted to (I was way too shy).

    2. 653-CXK*

      There was one long-standing crush I had on a girl for six years while I was in middle/high school. She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but she had a great laugh and she was an individualist. She knew I had a serious crush on her, but I was so shy I never admitted it to her, even to this day.

    3. Alex*

      I have a major secret crush at the moment. I’ve only admitted it here and to my therapist!

      The thing is…I *know* it wouldn’t work out long term. We just have such different..ways of life? In a lot of ways we are opposite. But since she is single and I’m single there’s this little voice in my head that won’t let it go.

      1. allathian*

        Why not take a chance? You’ve nothing to lose, unless you’re really good friends already and you’re afraid you’d lose the friendship if you go for it.

    4. TechWorker*

      I had a crush on a friend at university who then started dating (and is still in a relationship with) a mutual friend. This was nearly 10 years ago.. :) we’re still friends, they’re great together and I’m very happy with my partner. I’m not sure what the definition of ‘hold a torch is’ – I wouldn’t say I still fancy him or have any intention of ever trying to enter a relationship with him – but a ‘soft spot’…. maybe :P

    5. Blueberry*

      I had a crush on a boss of mine once, largely because he was remarkably nicer and kinder than most of the bosses I’ve had, and a sensible person besides. And cute, there was that. I just kind of… existed in it for all the time I worked with him. It’s not like I was going to say anything to him about it!

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I had a huge crush on this guy in college. We were friends, we frequently spent hours together doing our statistics homework. I even ran into him and his friends at the bar one night and he sat with his arm around me all night, and one of his friends told me that he had a crush on me. But I never followed it up! Argh, why? Even now that I’m happily married I think about it once in a while. I could have had a boyfriend in college if I hadn’t been so weirdly shy!

    7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I confessed to my high school crush and he ran away and never talked to me again. :'(
      He’s the only one I could confess to, because all the rest turn out to be either married or in a relationship. He even sent me Facebook and Linkedin requests years later, and I only accepted the Linkedin one.

    8. Stephanie*

      Yeah, on a grad school labmate. But I knew he was in a relationship (and now married), so it was just a fantasy. We’re still friends.

    9. allathian*

      I’ve had crushes on various guys along the way. When I was younger I never admitted my crushes to anyone, I guess I was too shy to. Funny thing is, when we had a HS reunion almost ten years ago I got talking to one of my former crushes and he said he would have liked to have known me better back then, but didn’t know how to approach me because I seemed so standoffish! (Shyness can seem that way.) I don’t carry a torch for him anymore, but it was kind of funny. During that one evening I talked to him more than I did during all those years we were in the same class. I was so shy I’d retreat into my shell if a guy asked me the time… Luckily I got over that pretty quickly when I got to college.
      I had some intense crushes on actors and musicians when I was young and single. I still get short-term crushes on some celebrities now, but they don’t affect my day to day life at all.

  67. lazy intellectual*

    What trait or traits do you have that seem “inconsistent” with the general impression people have of you?

    Me: I’m pretty straight-laced and introverted (don’t do drugs or anything, though I’ve tried weed. I drink occasionally but not much), but I love EDM music. Not necessarily the culture associated with the music (loud concerts and doing drugs), but I will play EDM music in the background while cooking. My friends know this, but I’m pretty sure my coworkers would be surprised. People tend to assume I’m into melancholy indie music or something.

    1. Misty*

      I’m actually not adventurous and I hate traveling.

      Because of life circumstances I’ve gone a lot of places and done some things that seem cool when you tell them in a story but I actually don’t like going on trips at all. I don’t like flying, I don’t like being far enough away from my bed where you can’t be home by the end of the day, I don’t like hotels, I don’t like eating out, etc.

      This always reminds me that things are not always what they seem so sometimes I remind myself of that when I’m jealous of other people doing “cool” things!

    2. Animal worker*

      Professionally I’m very confident, love giving presentations, have no problem walking up to a colleague I’ve never met at a conference to strike up a conversation, etc. In my personal life, socially, I am not those things. I am quite insecure in many social settings, have trouble with small talk that goes past a few minutes, etc. I even had someone once tell me I did Briggs-Meyers ‘wrong’ because it showed me basically being two different people. But my personal and professional selves are quite different.

      1. Mimmy*

        Hi, are you me?! I’m the same way. I actually think it’s fairly common to have a personal and professional selves.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I find that I am better in settings where my role is defined. If I walk into a gathering of random people, this feels like WORK to me. But if I go to my volunteer group, it’s all fine. Even family settings I can see my role is defined as “family member” so no problem.

      3. Not A Girl Boss*

        Yessss thiissss! Everyone thinks I’m really extroverted, but I find social interaction completely exhausting. I agonize so much over what words to say that sometimes the ones that finally make it past my lips make no sense at all, or are accidentally insulting (I still lay awake at night thinking about how I once insisted on paying for dinner for my friends retired parents because “I still have the rest of my life to make money”).

        Somehow I think work my just figured out that the more I talked the less people paid attention to what I said, so it became some kind of offense-as-defense mechanism. To my husband’s friends, I’m the painfully shy girl. But at work, I’m the one who’s always super confident and often asked to speak or present on behalf of others. Of course, I also receive feedback that I should talk less.

        Basically, conversation with other humans is an enigma to me.

        My Myers Briggs test did come out as ESTJ (same as Hermione Granger) which I suppose fits. But the best thing to ever happen to me has been these last few months where I am free to avoid small chat.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Wait Hermione is ESTJ? Where did you find that? For some reason I thought Hermione would be an I, not an E.

          1. Not A Girl Boss*

            There is a website, MBTIfiction. It’s fun. I think she’s an E in the same way that I am, that’s part of why I accepted it. She’s pretty outgoing and not at all afraid to speak her mind. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t prefer to curl up alone with a book.

    3. Nicole76*

      That’s funny because I’m the same (straight-laced and introverted) but I loooove EDM music. It’s definitely my preferred genre even though I don’t actually dance to it. Did you tune into the live stream of EDC last weekend?

        1. Nicole76*

          It looks like at least some of the sets are on YouTube on the Insomniac channel.

          Have you heard of Sofi Tukker? I really love their music and they live stream every day at noon central time and have been doing so since the stay at home stuff started. I believe today is day 73.

    4. Fikly*

      I’m very introverted (in that I find social interaction exhausting) but I really enjoy public speaking and find it energizing.

    5. Amber Rose*

      I’m similarly introverted and pretty quiet/serious, but I have an extremely juvenile sense of humor. Dick jokes and “that’s what she said” and puns. Ninja Sex Party is my favorite comedy music.

      People also tend to be surprised by how much I love dancing. Give me a beat I can dance to and I will (poorly).

      1. allathian*

        I’m also pretty introverted although I’ve learned to fake it at work. That said, interaction leaves me exhausted. I enjoy networking events with colleagues and usually attend a two-day seminar in the fall. The presentations are really interesting but I’m mostly there to network with colleagues. That’s both stimulating and exhausting, and I always do my best to ensure that I don’t have any social commitments on the following weekend so I can get a lot of me-time.
        My confession is that I laugh at fart jokes and in our family, we fart pretty much without thinking about it. I’m actually somewhat worried that whenever we do get back to work, I’ll just let it rip like I have at home…

    6. nnn*

      I’m a prissy, straight-laced middle-aged woman in a non-technical, and I recently shocked my manager by mentioning in passing “I’m overclocking my gaming rig to run a distributed computing project that’s working to cure COVID-19.”

        1. nnn*

          In case the link gets stuck in moderation, it’s called “Folding at Home” and is readily googleable. Link in following comment.

    7. annakarina1*

      I like weird cult movies and can have a dirty or dark sense of humor, but because I look like a straight-laced dork and don’t drink much or do drugs or have creative fashion sense, I don’t come across as seemingly alternative or unique enough to be into offbeat stuff. It can be annoying when I want to express that but look too square to be taken seriously.

    8. Jdc*

      This is interesting and i can’t quite come up with an answer but now I’m digging deep wondering.

      I was told a while back that people in HS thought I was the rebel. I seriously was quiet and just quietly hung out with my friends. No big parties. I dated a guy from another school all through HS and people always seemed to speculate about that. I have zero idea where the got this from. They were all partying while I was at the movies.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      I now look like a normal, mildly overweight middle aged suburban woman who has a normal and boring job in marketing. But people would be shocked at my punk rocker past, drug use, drug selling and general crazy years up until I was about 25. I never got in trouble for it, but I just stopped around that age, went back to college and became respectable. But I still have a bit of that punk spirit in me!

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I have a bit of this too. My knees have always been a bit wonky but one is worse than the other. A younger colleague was very surprised when I told him that the reason is that I was injured stage-diving at a punk show.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I dress fairly modestly, including ankle-length skirts 90% of the time, and I even cover my hair somewhat regularly, so very few people know I have 25 tattoos – including two from Stephen King books (Dark Tower series) and two from urban horror tabletop RPGs (WW oWoD).

      My hair is almost always up in a bun, so they also don’t often realize either how long it is or that the bottom 30” is dyed funny colors, currently purple, teal and orange.

    11. KoiFeeder*

      People who see my meatsuit before they get to know me are surprised that I’m ill-tempered and used to get into schoolyard fights on a nearly daily basis.

      People who don’t see my meatsuit before they get to know me are surprised that I ever leave the house.

    12. LGC*

      I’m multitudes.

      I enjoy craft beer…which is not expected for a queer black guy. I’m also 6’5″ and terrible at basketball. (I am, instead, a distance runner, and as the fine people of the weekend thread know, I don’t shut up about it.) And I am fairly masculine-presenting and in my thirties…but I also love K-pop and had an extended anime phase.

      That’s the stuff that comes to mind off the top of my head. I have probably surprised everyone I know at some point when they find out something about me. (Sometimes I’ve surprised myself.)

      1. Blueberry*

        Heh, being Black and having interests people ‘wouldn’t expect’ is its own subcategory of this. I was once chatting with a coworker who was a middle aged balding White guy who loves hip hop, whereas I love folk and classic rock and steel guitars, and we were amused that we had ‘each other’s musical tastes.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I annoy myself so much when I find myself being surprised at stuff like this. The goth-est colleague I’ve had recently happened to be Black, and I was irritated that it surprised me a little bit!

        2. Stephanie*

          lol, like classical music (I’ve been playing the cello on and off for 20 years)

    13. Sunset Maple*

      My desk and car are so immaculate I’ve been told you could perform surgery there, but my house is a pigsty. That’s mostly because I live with a lazy hoarder and I’ve given up.

    15. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      People are often surprised when I say something about my lifelong problems with depression. I guess I come across as fairly cheerful most of the time, even though my mind is generally full of horribly dark thoughts. Once I was talking to the doctor, asking for a therapy referral, and she said she wasn’t sure why I wanted it because I seemed so bright and happy! It seemed bizarre to me because it was such a struggle to even drag myself to the appointment.

      1. allathian*

        I’m so sorry. It’s like you have to “present suicidal” to get help for depression.

  68. Jessen*

    So I mentioned briefly on the friday thread, but I’m starting to really like this idea of getting into wigs. I always really wanted to have hair that I could play with and do up but not have to do it every single day if I don’t want to. And it looks like a decent synthetic wig isn’t quite as expensive as I thought. I’m curious if anyone in the AAM community has any experience with wigs and wig-wearing? My usual hair is cropped extremely short so I don’t have to do anything with it other than take clippers to it periodically.

    What I’m thinking of as a default style is a long black wig that I can pin up in braids and just mostly not worry about it. But I could definitely have a couple of options to wear!

    1. B*

      The woman who writes the blog Atypical60 wears a wig every day and has a really fun attitude about it. She seems to have dozens of different wigs and has a white collar job, non-profit i think.

    2. MinotJ*

      I’ve worn wigs in the past, for fun, but also to be invisible when I was living in a conservative location and had very short hair (I’m female).

      Good stuff: omg so fun. You can be a different person so quickly. And even if you get a not-so-fancy wig, as long as you get one in a “normal” color, almost nobody will ever question it.

      Bad stuff: They’re so hot! I mean, duh, I should have thought of that. But it’s like wearing a winter hat at all times. And like a winter hat, you can’t just take it off in public and look normal; you’re gonna have hat-head. Also, you’ll have to plan for storage. I’m the kind of person who just tosses things in a drawer until they’re needed again. That does not cut it with a wig.

      I never wore a wig as long as you’re talking about, but I’d be concerned about pinning it up. The weight of wigs seems to be distributed in a way that keeps them on your head, and maybe pinning it up would pull it askew and you’d have to straighten it all day. And again, I never got into expensive ones, but the hair on my wigs seemed to be adamant that it was going to lay in one direction only – it would not have been happy to be pulled into a ponytail or done up. I don’t think the wig structure (cap? not sure if that’s the right term) would have shown, but the draping wouldn’t have looked natural.

      1. Jessen*

        Usefully at least, my own hair is short enough that hat-hair/wig-hair is impossible. I have it literally buzzed down to the skin – it doesn’t look quite bald because I have dark hair and pale skin, but it’s essentially shaved off. Around here people don’t really care much about short hair; if anything I’ve gotten a lot of comments along the lines of “wow I wish I had the guts to do that.”

        The disadvantage of this is it seems I need to wear a wig cap in order to have something to pin the wig to. Although so far I’ve really only been working with a pretty cheap one and some dry shampoo to take the shine off.

        Still working on the storage too. Especially as I have an extremely naughty feline around here, so they definitely need to be stored in some fashion where he can’t get to them. Right now I have mine laid out flat in a drawer, which doesn’t seem to be too bad so long as it’s carefully laid out and not stuffed in there. But I will be working on a longer term solution.

    3. Observer*

      There are a few things to look at.

      If you are going to play with the styles of a particular wig, make sure to get one that has a “multi-directional” crown. That refers to how the hairs are attached and it allows the hair to be brushed in any direction.

      If you want to be able to put up a wig, or wear it in braids or a pony, you need to check for that, because the bottom back edge will be done a bit differently when you expect to expose it.

      Fit is probably the most important thing. You want something that is big enough not to give you a headache, but not so big that it flaps around. Also, make sure that the hairline matches you hair line at least reasonably well. This is especially important if you are going to be wearing wigs that are a color that are noticeably different that your own hear.

      1. Jessen*

        Oh thanks for the advice! I had some idea about the back but less about the crown. Most of the styles I’m looking at would be either a low pony or something like braids or rolls starting at the base of the neck, so that might give me a bit more flexibility. Since it doesn’t really expose the bottom band in the same way. That’s what I’m going to try with my current cheaper option, putting it in a very low ponytail so the hair’s still covering the back edge.

        I’ve seen some stuff suggest that you can put a few stitches in carefully to shrink larger wigs? That’s usually my problem, I’m small enough that most average size stuff is going to be too big. I really doubt too small is going to be a risk unless I buy actual kid’s wigs or something.

  69. comcastBlues*

    In Oregon (Pacific Northwest), trying to decide if I should switch from Comcast for TV and internet (and landline (yeah, I know, but it’s so reliable)). I have some concerns about Frontier Fios – I’ve heard they can be unreliable if there are issues. I work from home, so whatever I get, it has to be reliable. Suggestions? Thanks!

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      In my experience, internet reliability is very very local. I had great service from Frontier, but my friend across town had a terrible time.

      If you call to cancel, you’re current provider can probably give you a better rate.

  70. Rexish*

    My ex-bf got married today and I feel very weird about it. We broke-up 10 years ago, no drama and remained friendly due to being in the same hobby circles. We were young and it made sense not to continue our relationship. His wife seems lovely (same hobby circles) and I wish them all the best. Still, I just feel so weird about seeing his wedding pictures.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Being one of the last in my circle to get married, this happened to me several times, and it never got less weird. It’s okay, though, seriously. It’s so normal to have a mix of emotions when you see an ex get married.

    2. Not A Girl Boss*

      Oof I feel this. I myself am happily married. But nothing felt weirder than watching the-guy-before-the-guy get married, grow a seriously horrific Super Troopers mustache, and have two kids (‘stache still proudly in tow).
      It did help that he ended up with exaclty the life he wanted, which was categorically not the life I wanted. For example, you could not pay me enough to kiss that stache. *shudders*

  71. What happened with 'I killed 3 ducks. Oh no.'*

    If the poster who posted last week wants to share at all if there has been any updates about the duck farm and the ducks, I’d love to know.

    1. I killed 3 ducks. Oh no.*

      Everything ended up OK (thanks very much for your concern and for asking). After a couple of hours I calmed down and sent a text to the owner expressing extreme regret for what apparently was a freak accident. The owner responded with a nice text about not being mad at me but being mad at the universe for this happening. I went back out to the farm (it wasn’t a duck farm, it just had about a dozen tame ducks that were pets at the farm) on Monday and everything was fine. I decided not to ask anyone who was there on Saturday to find out exactly what happened and since no one mentioned anything about it to me, the whole thing is now ended and I am able to be at peace about it.

      1. Misty*

        Oh thank goodness! I’ve been wondering about how you’ve been all week. Glad it all ended well and you’re not banned from the farm.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        I am so glad this is the outcome. I was so concerned about you.

        Yeah, the universe sometimes does random things that make us all sad or angry. I’m glad the owner has a good heart.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        My bets are on the idea that they found out who killed the ducks and they are embarassed about accusing you and angry with the actual person.
        Yep, just let it go. Now I feel even more confident believing that you did not kill any ducks.

        Thanks for the follow up. I think that story grabbed a lot of us.

      4. lazy intellectual*

        I’m glad that everything worked out! I still have a hunch that you didn’t actually kill the ducks…but it’s good you were able to go back either way!

  72. Sunset Maple*

    Per the crop rotation schedule, this year the fields near my house are planted with rapeseed. This allergy season in particular is a hell of a time to have to wear a mask. I know that catching what comes out of your mouth and nose is the entire point, but man…sneezing into a mask is like crapping your pants, but on your face.

    1. Laura H.*

      I’m torn between a “ew” expression and laughing at the simile.

      Hope allergy season isn’t a complete jerk to you.

  73. nnn*

    Question for people with medical knowledge:

    Are all the rules surrounding how to properly put on and take off masks (where you can and can’t touch the mask, etc.) intended to protect the mask wearer, or intended to protect other people?

    I know I’m wearing the cloth mask to protect others, but I have the impression that the rules for how I should and shouldn’t touch the mask are more to protect me, so I’ve been making decisions about how/when/whether to adjust the mask accordingly. I just want to make sure I’m not inadvertently putting others at risk.

    (Also, do medical people have as much trouble wearing their medical masks – shifting, falling down, glomming onto your mouth – as I do with cloth masks? Or is it a skill you develop? Or are medical masks perhaps better fit for purpose than something my mother rigged up from bits of cloth she had around the house?)

    1. AnonoDoc*

      Medical masks do fit better in general, but the whole mask donning and doffing is still very hard for people to consistently get right. And even the best fitting mask is uncomfortable to wear for any length of time — especially N95s! Have pity for those workers who need to wear them an entire 12-hour shift!

      You are correct that the procedure to take care when taking off and storing or washing is to protect you from whatever might be on the outside. Wash your hands after you remove the mask though and you should be ok as long as you don’t touch your face on your way to the sink.

      I saw a video with a good trick for N95s that would work for other masks — use a small plastic container (like the little rubbermaids or tupperwares or the more disposable kinds) to put over the mask, then pull the straps over the back of the box and pull away from your face! No touching of the part that covers your nose and mouth and the outside is contained in the box.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      The masks my MIL made for me have elastic that goes across the back of the head rather than over the ears. I find it MUCH more comfortable and stable.

    3. brushandfloss*

      PPE is intended to protect the wearer. With mask you want to avoid touching the inside of masks with dirty hands. Yes we have to adjust masks to fit properly especially fogging up glasses. Surgical/procedural masks don’t go into the mouth when talking, I believe that’s happening because its a cloth mask.

    4. WS*

      Medical staff get training, but glomming onto your mouth is still a (really annoying) thing that happens. Proper PPE when available is better quality and doesn’t glom onto your mouth as much as the disposable masks do.

      The parts about putting the mask on and taking it off are largely to protect you, but also to stop your potential germs getting on the outside of the mask where they will be breathed onto others. So minor adjustments to your mask only threaten you, but wearing it with your nose out or fully removing it and putting it back are a threat to others. (I have been very annoyed at people posting how they’ve made masks with long strings so you can take it off, hang it round your neck, then put it back on. No!)

    5. HBJ*

      At my most recent prenatal appointment, the midwife definitely had issues keeping hers up! It was a surgical mask – the blue paper-looking kind.

    6. Kori*

      You might get a better fit if you use an ear protector as well (they’re little plastic or cloth or knitted strips that go along the back of your head and have hooks or buttons you can put the mask loops around). I find those hold the mask more firmly to your face, so it slips around less. Works better if you have hair you can put up, so the band can go over the top of your ponytail/bun/whatever and stay there. Lots of nurses use them, or have headbands with buttons sewn on for the same purpose.

      Even with that, they can still be uncomfortable or ride up under your eyes or press on your nose too hard. Always clean your hands before and after touching the mask if you need to adjust it. Some brands of surgical masks seem better than others, so maybe you might also have better luck with a different style or size of cloth mask.

  74. Amber Rose*

    Parent type people, how old were you for your first kid?

    I’m 32. I might, maybe be in a position to have a kid when I’m 35… but I feel like I’ll be too old. Although I know it’s silly I often feel like I’ve got an expiry date stamped on my stomach and now that I’m in my 30s it’s all cobwebs and dust.

    I’ve spent most of my life feeling strongly that I don’t want kids but lately I’m wavering.

    1. Parenthetically*

      I had my first at 36 and my second at 39! We got pregnant first shot with the first, and on the 3rd cycle with the second. I did have some pretty serious complications with the first, but a very normal pregnancy with the second. I feel… fine! I always wanted to get married and have kids and felt like I was ready in my 20s, but life did not go according to my plan, and honestly, I’m glad. I’m grateful to be parenting now with my anxiety under control, my childhood baggage thoroughly sorted, my philosophy of parenting and love and relationships based on my couple decades of observing parenting styles, etc., rather than 10 or 15 years ago when I was a DISASTER.

      I think there’s joy and goodness and satisfaction to be found in things whenever they decide to come along.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      My mom was 40 (nearly 41) when my little brother was born. My dad was 49. They say he keeps them young, and there were no complications.

      I don’t have kids yet, and I’m 29, but we plan to start trying this fall. (My husband is 32.)

      If you’re ready, you’re ready. I don’t think 35 is terribly old — lots of examples of healthy pregnancies and babies with moms in their late 30s early 40s these days.

    3. Ellie Mayhem*

      It’s not really silly; it’s fairly true that fertility declines in one’s mid-thirties. I had my last baby at 40 and it was much harder to get and stay pregnant than it was for my others in my earlier thirties.

      I wish celebrities who have children in their late forties and early fifties were more honest about using donated eggs, because statistically speaking that is how most of them managed to conceive and carry to term.

      If you think you may not want children for a couple years, I’d suggest speaking to your doctor and maybe getting a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. They can run some baseline tests for egg quality, etc.

    4. Anon for this*

      I had mine at 34, 37, 40. I did find myself older than the other parents at school, so was a bit of an outsider when my kids were young, but physically I was/am fine. but boy, when you hit 40 they suddenly need what seemed like 4,000 additional tests!

      1. Kate*

        Gah, I had the same with my last one! And between having ultrasounds in an insitute specialized in problems (because of my Old Age), and my OBGYN with main job in maternity ward, I totally got the feeling of “bad cop, good cop” game going on. “Oh no” – calling in the Head Ultrasounder to confirm what was found – “yes indeed, your baby has thisandthat, come back in two weeks for another check” – “oh, but all babies have thisandthat at that age, it disappears on its own, they just want to be sure it does”.

        I am generally old enough not to remember anymore how old exactly I am, but boy, during my last pregnancy I knew it ALL THE TIME.

    5. KoiFeeder*

      My mom had her kids in her early forties. Your mileage may vary, of course, but I think she did fine.

    6. Anon for this one!*

      I was 25, so not really the age bracket you’re looking for. But honestly? I…sometimes regret my choice. And I’ve never felt that I strongly didn’t want kids! But I never imagined how difficult it would be. Like, logically I knew. But the reality is something else. I love them, but I miss my life being about ME – I miss spontaneity and sleeping in and peace and quiet and spending my days and nights off just relaxing or reading a book or whatever. And I’m not sure when it will get better, because one of my children is special needs (which we didn’t know about until he was a bit older).

      I’m not trying to say don’t do it – but I’m urging you to think carefully and not make a life-altering choice because you’re getting older and it’s getting to you. Maybe I’d feel differently if you were in your late 30s, but as another 32 year old I don’t think this an ‘OMG must decide NOW’ age.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Thank you for this. Husband and I very strongly do not want kids in a practical day-to-day sense. But lately my biological clock has been betraying me with random maternal desires to sniff the baby or whatever. Kind of like when you wake up from a dream about sleeping with your ex and feel utterly horrified that it ever could have seemed like a good idea to dream-you. It’s hard not to question your decisions when the hormones are raging.

      2. Amber Rose*

        Yeah, I worry about that a lot. I value my ME time and get anxious. But I also feel like I’m missing out on something important, and that now that I’m in my 30s I might actually have the capacity to have kids. I definitely didn’t any point before now.

        But I mean. I feel a kind of longing. I don’t even like babies or think they smell nice or anything, I just want… family. I guess. It’s hard to put into words.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I think I know what you mean. I mean I like cuddly cute babies but not so much toddlers. And I highly value my ME time.

          For me, I think the best way to put into words is that I didn’t have hte best time growing up and I always felt envious of people who have strong relationships with their siblings and extended family. I figured it was too late for me but I could build one for my kids. Haven’t thought about it too deeply tbh.

        2. Anon for this!*

          I get that. When I pictured myself having kids, I generally pictured older kids – like preteen/teen family time. Which I guess isn’t surprising since I teach high school – I love that age and connecting with them! But to get them to that age, and have them be good people, you have to put in years of work where life revolves almost solely around the kids and me time/prioritizing yourself is scarce. Right now I’m constantly either being annoyed that they’re once again wrestling or yelling or fighting while I’m trying to work, or stressing that I’m going to harm my relationship with them because I’m working from home and not able to spend as much time playing with them as they’d like.

        3. Amy*

          The “me time” factor is real. Something people tried to tell me before I had kids, and that is hard to really let sink in until you have them, is that you are a parent ALL THE TIME. There is never a time when they don’t need you. Every night, every early morning, when you don’t feel like being touched or talking to another human – all the time. Sleeping in is not really a thing anymore. Of course, childcare is a real (and necessary) thing, but you are still on call if shit hits the fan… and at least for me, there is always low-level anxiety about if my daughter is ok when she’s not physically with me (and sometimes when she is!). Post-partum anxiety hit me hard but therapy helped.

          I talked about the practical reasons why I had my daughter when I did further down in the thread, but a major factor for me in feeling like I was ready for kids was the persistent feeling that whatever activity we were doing would be enriched by a kid being there. We would go to the beach, or out for a hike, or to the zoo, or whatever and I distinctly felt like someone was missing. And now (in non-pandemic times) we take our three-year-old to do all that stuff and it’s awesome. I feel like most outings are way more fun with her in tow. Fancy restaurants, not so much.

          1. purple panda*

            heh. I took kiddo everywhere. when she was 5, we went to a fancy french restaurant for the first time. She ordered the cheese plate for appy by herself. The snooty waiter was horrified and said: what about blue cheese? or brie?. Kiddo replied: blue cheese????!!! I *love* blue cheese! *and* brie! (with the enthusiasm of a 5 yr old). The waiter was totally taken aback and said: ok, I’ll make sure you get blue and brie.

    7. Ali G*

      Pretty much all of my friends has their kids in their mid-thirties. It’s not as big of deal these days. One of my friends had been trying for years to get pregnant, gave up and got pregnant at 40. Beautiful, healthy, baby boy. Just turned 4.
      It’s not a big deal!
      BTW – I never wanted kids and don’t have them. I am married. I never got the biological clock thing, but I didn’t get married until I was 35, so maybe it had passed. It’s OK to give it some time to make sure it’s really what you want. I have no regrets.

    8. Aza*

      Had my daughter a couple months after turning 35. Would have liked to have her earlier, but that’s just how the timing worked out!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Same, and my son at 39. Getting pregnant was no problem the first time, but took low level intervention for the second after a year of no success. Recovery was relatively easy both times, but I had babies that slept through pretty early on and no medical issues for any of us, so best possible circumstances. I married “late” at 33, so we might have gone for a third if we were younger, but also would have been fine with 1 if we hadn’t had luck with the interventions.

        I say late only because of the national US averages, but it was the right time for both of us.

    9. Not A Girl Boss*

      My mom had us kids at 32 and 36 (dad was 44 and 48), and mom likes to joke that if she’d had us even a year younger, she would have killed us. I do think she was much more patient and “ready” to be a mom than some of my friends who are having kids in their late 20s.
      I don’t think there’s such a thing as being “too old” to have kids – many grandparents raise grandchildren with incredible success.
      What’s much more important is to be in the right place mentally and physically to devote the kind of time kids need.

    10. blaise zamboni*

      Echoing others to say that my mom had me at 42, after a series of painfully unsuccessful pregnancies through her 30s. Life has been *different* with parents who were 15-20 years older than my peers’ parents, but I think 1) that’s changing a lot as I’m seeing many of my peers wait to have kids (I’m 27 so I expected most of my friends to have babies by now but…no), and 2) I gained a heck of a lot of good life knowledge from having parents with more experience under their belts. My mom and I are very, very close now; she is my biggest role model, and I turned out quite well if I do say so myself.

      You will not be too old to have kids when you’re 35, or even when you’re 40. I hope, if you do decide you want to have children, that it goes exactly the way you envision. Good luck!

    11. Lost in the Woods*

      My mom had me at 41. My parents were always very open about the whole process of having me, likely because it was extremely difficult on them – they were, per my mom “one step below IVF,” she was on bedrest for the last two months, and I ended up being born as an emergency C-section (I turned myself over into a perfect breech position after the last ultrasound). Now as an adult, having talked to my mom about this, what made it worth it for her was that she realized that she really really wanted kids (or kid, since another one was really not in the cards post me). I think prior to going in on this, you should do some thinking about what’s motivating this change – is it a real shift in your priorities and desires? Or is it more of a fear due to the window of opportunity closing?

    12. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I just turned 35 and I will be 35 when I deliver my first one God willing. My prior pregnancies were at 24, 29, and 32. I didn’t plan to be pregnant now and had given up completely on it happening, but better late than never. I definitely plan to have a second one as soon as possible after this one.

      To be honest though, I never had strong feelings about wanting kids. I grew up in a culture with traditional gender roles where it was very much expected to get married and have kids (and in that order), so it was never in my mind that I wasn’t going to have kids. I just know I wanted to hold off on them for a bit.

    13. First time dad*

      Mom was 40, Dad was 44 when we were blessed with a baby sister. Guess who she spent most of the time harassing, a big brother 17 years her senior.

      I got married late and had a boy when I was 52. There is not enough 5 hour energy in the world for me to keep up with him now that he is 9, but a good cardio routine at the gym (if it ever opens again) helps me keep up with him. The hardest part is the homework. I haven’t looked at a dangling participle in 45 years.

    14. Kate*

      I was 26 when my first child was born. And I believed firmly I should have all my children (we were planning four, in sets of two) no later than 35 because of expiry dates and such. Reality? My third was born then I was 39 and fourth when I was 42. When it was “right time” to have our third, there was this financial crisis going around the world etc, and then a family member got cancer, and then… and so I ended up thinking we missed that boat altogether.

    15. Amy*

      I had my first at 28, and I’m now pregnant with my second at 31. In my mother-baby group with my first I was the youngest by at least 5 years, sometimes 10+ years. She was conceived on the earlier side for several reasons, the predominant one being that I have some health problems that impact fertility, so it was my doctors’ suggestion that I start my family sooner rather than later if it was important to me. It was weird going through IVF starting at age 27, but life is weird. My husband and I had also been together for about ten years at that point (we met in college) and both felt ready for kids.

      The second kid is a quarantine baby who was a complete surprise/accident. I’m due in December.

      Honestly, I’m really happy with my choice to start my family when I did. I have never had regrets or felt like it was too soon. The one thing that has been tough is that I made a career change about two years before I conceived and went back to grad school when the baby was one. I’m in a very demanding four-year program and there is only one other person in my class of 150 who is doing this with a kid. The vast majority of my classmates are fresh out of college, and the program is really designed for a young, unattached person (long unpredictable hours, heavy demands on your time). Once I graduate and begin working in my field there is the expectation that the newbies will pick up the worst shifts and the longest hours. And I just… can’t, with kids and the health problems I have. It’s literally a full-time job in addition to your full-time job, even with a good partner and good childcare. I have made the decision that for me, motherhood and maintaining my physical health are more important than my career, and I’ve made choices accordingly – like the decision to forgo additional professional training beyond the completion of my degree, which will somewhat limit my career prospects. Not everyone will make the same choice, and I’m fortunate to have a partner who makes enough that I have the luxury of these kind of choices.

      So, it makes a lot of sense to get well established in your career before bringing kids into the picture. In an ideal world I probably would have gone through this degree program ten years ago and had kids in my early/mid-thirties, like most professional women I know. But that’s not how things shook down for me, and I’m doing fine. My three-year-old is the light of my life.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I like that you brought up the career aspect, it is important.

        In my first pregnancy in 2009, I had just finished school and times were tough, so I did worry about how that was going to work out. I was going to a local medical center where each 9 AM appt would have me seen no earlier than 2 PM, and they wanted me to come in once a week; I remember worrying that if I have to go in every week and each appointment is 6-8 hours long, I will never be able to get a job as Im not 100% available. As a new graduate in a bad market with very little knowledge & support, this was a huge concern.

        When I found out I was pregnant with this one, I was at (what I thought) a pretty good point in my career, had been promoted and was making a decent $$ and I had the flexibility to take 2 hours for an appt and make up my time. And paid maternity leave! This was a dream situation for 2009 me lol. I thought things would line up perfectly but then COVID happened and I got let go and here I am again, jobless lol. Only time will tell how this will all play out.

    16. Senor Montoya*

      39, three months short of 40 when I gave birth.

      I wanted to use a midwife anyway, but my age made working with a midwife a good choice. I was very healthy, no risk factors, but every ob/gyn I consulted said I was high risk due to my age. Used a birthing center staffed with nurse-midwives. They were overseen by a family medical practice and had an agreement with a local hospital. Excellent care.

      I strongly encourage you to hire a doulah!

    17. Clisby*

      First at 42 and 2nd at 48. Nothing like waiting until the last POSSIBLE moment. However, I was lucky – when I decided to go for it, I definitely knew it possibly would go nowhere.

    18. Fikly*

      Too old in what way?

      There is a legitimate medical reason that pregnancies starting at age 35 are considered high risk automatically. Well, multiple ones (high risk can be due to maternal issues, or fetal issues, or both), but for the one that you can potentially address, the risk of genetic complications goes up significantly.

      Hence the booming industry of egg freezing. Now, there’s no guarantee before you begin that they’ll get eggs, and even if they do, there’s no guarantee that they’ll successfully be fertilized and implant, etc, but it’s kind of an insurance policy.

      It’s also coming down in price, and it’s starting (starting) to be something more companies are helping to fund as a benefit.

      1. snorkel strap*

        The idea that pregnancies over 35 are automatically high-risk is absolutely not universal, nor is it an uncontroversial opinion in obstetrical communities. I would get laughed out of town for labelling a patient high-risk just because she was 35 at my hospital.

    19. purple panda*

      I was 38 when kid was born, but turned 39 a couple of months later. It felt good for me – I had a lot of energy, I needed a change in my career, so it was fine. I had the energy to keep up with kiddo till she was about 11, and then my body crapped out – I could no longer keep up all our sports ( at that time we regularly skied, hiked, skated and rode bikes). but 39 or 40 is not too old.

    20. allathian*

      I got pregnant at 36, as soon as we started trying (literally, first menstrual cycle) and I was definitely not expecting that. I had a fairly easy pregnancy and a prolonged but not particularly difficult birth. That said, if I had met my husband earlier, I probably would have two kids rather than the one, but we decided that one was good for us. In my early 40s we decided to let nature take its course and I had two miscarriages within a year, so then I thought that my time for pregnancies is over. I literally don’t remember anything from my son’s first year, because I was so exhausted, in spite of having a great support network from my parents and MIL (my son’s the only grandchild of two sets of grandparents, so he gets a lot of attention from them) and naturally, my husband.
      Until I met my husband I’d never been particularly interested in being a parent, but with him, it felt like the most natural thing in the world and the right thing for us.

  75. Lcsa99*

    So I’ve been having the TV on while working from home, which I know is probably a no-no but having the background noise helps me concentrate. The problem is that three of the five shows I’ve been watching have already gone through the entire series and we’ll soon be through them a second time so I need to switch to other shows. So I am looking for suggestions of shows that air frequently through the week on cable that I can record as replacements, and should probably be shows that are standards – stuff I’ve likely seen and just won’t mind watching again cause anything new will require I actually pay attention.

    The shows I need to replace are Charmed, Ghost Whisperer and Medium, though I don’t necessarily need something supernatural. I’ve watched lots of doctor and cop shows.

    So does anyone know of shows that are easy mindless watching I can use as replacements?

    1. MissDisplaced*

      If I’m doing mindless TV watching, I generally go for things I don’t really have to follow like: House Hunters, Beachfront Bargain Hunt, My Lottery Dream Home and Love it or List It. You can tune in or out any time.

      If you’re actually trying to follow the story, may I suggest Law & Order, Boston Legal, Lost or Criminal Minds as they were all long-running shows. Old Doctor Who on Pluto is also good, those go on like forever or 50 years!

      1. Lcsa99*

        Criminal Minds is probably a good option – if nothing else they seem to air a ton of episodes every day!

        1. MissDisplaced*

          I used to work with the creator of criminal minds years ago before he had anything. I’m happy he’s done so well with that show.

    2. anonForNow*

      When I want the TV on for background noise, I like going to HDTV or a food channel or Motortrend (I’m not really a car person, so this isn’t very distracting) or sometimes the Animal channel. Property Brothers, Good Bones, Bitchin Rides, Unwrapped 2.0, Bargain Mansions, Home Town, Iron Resurrection, 100 Day Dream Home, Junkyard Empire, Carnival Eats. Treehouse Masters, Tanked (fish tanks). Reruns of Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Recently have totally fallen in love with Good Bones and especially Home Town. Home Town is SO GOOD!!

    3. Kathenus*

      So this is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me, but given the shows you mention, have you ever watched Ghost Hunters? It’s not a drama series, but more of a reality show about a team that does paranormal investigations. Whether or not you believe in such things, I enjoy both the original cast and the newest version that has one of the original leads in it. It runs a lot, I believe the older ones on the Travel Channel and the new version on A&E, but I could be wrong about that. I have it on in the background a lot when I’m working in the kitchen or semi-paying attention on the couch, because I can always look up or rewind when it sounds interesting at that moment. It’s been one of my go-to background shows recently.

    5. MistOrMister*

      Wow, I have a nesting fail below. And didn’t catch that you wanted stuff you could record from cable so my suggestions might all be flops as I use Prime. I wonder if you can find episodes of the twilight zone. I know syfy airs them on new years eve but dont know if its on during the year. If so, that’s a great on to use as background noise.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I love the twilight zone but I’ve seen them so many times already! Syfy does seem to do them early mornings during the week

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve just finished Lucifer on Netflix. It’s silly fun, a little cheesy, but it’s basically about a crime-solving devil so there’s a lot of space for comedy there. Plus, the soundtrack is the best I’ve ever heard on a show and have been introduced to new songs and artists through it, so bonus.

      1. Bluebell*

        Lucifer is both eye candy and ear candy for me. Love the soundtrack, especially when Tom Ellis is playing piano.

    7. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Too funny, I always work at home and have played those same shows in the back ground as well. I play Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Person of Interest as well as I never watched it when in production.

      1. Lcsa99*

        It looks like Person of Interest is about to roll back to the beginning so thats a great suggestion. Thanks!

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My best brainless background noise while working is short episodes of trashy murder TV – Forensic Files and all its knockoffs. I dunno about recording them off regular tv, but Netflix and Hulu both have like 300 episodes of FF.

      Ken Burns docuseries do well for me too, because I’ve seen them all so many times I don’t really need to watch them too closely anymore.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        For actual long-form shows – House, Criminal Minds, Babylon-5 and Star Trek series (TNG or DS9, personally). I’ve pondered some of the older sitcoms like Golden Girls and such, but I’m desperately afraid they won’t hold up to my memories or that I won’t find them funny anymore.

        1. NewReading Glasses*

          I just started through the Golden Girls. Betty White is still hilarious. It does mostly hold up, EXCEPT the clothes, which are full of teal and shoulder pads. There was one weird-feeling race sub-plot that seems slightly preachy today, but it is Florida(?) and kind of the point for the character (Blanche).

    9. Skeeder Jones*

      USA usually has a marathon of L&O:SVU, NCIS, Chicago PD and NCIS:LA running wall day on weekdays, might be worth checking out, I used to have them on as background when I wasn’t working. I find I can’t have the tv in the background while working, it just doesn’t work for me so I listen to music.

    10. Lizabeth*

      I’ve been doing the remote thing that we don’t mention here for over a year and a half now because of parents. I’ve found that for GREAT background noise on cable when I don’t want to pay attention – ANYTHING narrated by Sir Richard Attenborough. Planet Earth series especially – great voice, thoughtful scripts and I usually learn something about nature too. Animal Planet, Nat Geo and Nat Geo Wild channels. Any of the Vet programs – Pol, Oakley, Critter Fixers, Heartland, Dr. K etc. Any of the Zoo or Aquarium programs. They usually mix them up enough that I don’t mind the repeats and with Pol they’ve been editing old stuff with newer stuff. I broke down and bought the entire collection of CSI because of limited shows on cable. Law & Order, L&O Criminal Intent, Criminal Minds, Blue Bloods, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (but that makes me hungry) OR I put Harry Potter in and run all 7 movies. I wish they’d show Rizzoli & Isles or Scandal (the first couple of seasons). If you want political – West Wing has excellent thoughtful scripts.

    11. Carol!*

      Criminal Minds
      Law and Order: SVU
      CSI
      Scorpion
      Frasier
      Shark Tank is fun
      Dr. Pol
      Grey’s Anatomy
      ER
      Bear Grylls

  76. VT*

    Dry eye folks, has anyone tried Cequa eye drops? I’ve been on Restasis for about 2 years and at my last doc visit, they switched me off of Restasis and on to Cequa. It’s a newer drug but it has the same active ingredient as Restasis so it isn’t revolutionary or anything. But I haven’t been able to find any one else who has been put on it and how they were doing with it. So far, so good, though the “Restasis burn” is more pronounced.

    I also found out that you can donate unused, sealed medications to several different organizations online. I had a few spare boxes of Restasis and they are now on their way to Wyoming for use by people who could otherwise not afford it :)

  77. MistOrMister*

    You might like Grimm, which I believe is 6 seasons long. Monk and Psych are both good and I want to say are 8 seasons each. Chuck is ok. I liked the first 2 or 3 seasons but they must have changed writers or producers or something. I stuck through to the end only because it was just 5 seasons. The original Star Trek is great. And I liked Numbers…I think that was the first show I binged on Prime. Oh! And Leverage!!! I love Leverage so much!!

    1. Lcsa99*

      I loved Grimm, Psych and Monk but unfortunately the last two drive my husband crazy and he has to work too :)

      1. Nessun*

        I loved Grimm, though the finale cheesed me off. There’s always Buffy and Angel as sturdy callbacks, though I’m a bit more inclined to Castle and The Mentalist lately myself.

  78. Nicole Pyles*

    Not sure if this is the right place to share, but I’m itching to talk about it! In the season of my underemployment and minimal freelance work, I’m taking a serious leap forward in my personal blog. I won’t share it’s name with the risk of coming across as self-promoting, but it feels darn good.

    1. Colette*

      Yay! (I think it’s fine to promote it here, if you don’t mind people checking it out.)

  79. Laura H.*

    I’m kinda excited. Gonna do a zoom thing with my Alma mater over binge-able tv shows. Should be interesting.

    I binge in blocks more often than not. How big of chunks I take varies.

  80. Ali G*

    What’s cooking folks?
    Last night I made the best pizza I’ve ever done homemade. It was amazing. I feel like I cracked the code :)
    Took the day off today because we did a lot of yard work. Tomorrow is hot wings. Don’t know yet if I will smoke them or not. We will have lots of leftovers going back to work on Tuesday!
    Also, I got a tip for a local seafood wholesaler who is now selling to the public. Our freezer is very stocked with chicken and beef, but our seafood and fish are limited. I’m going to check it out.
    Hope you are all doing well! Any food stuff going on?

    1. Parenthetically*

      Last night we made a pasta thing — caramelized some brussels in butter and oil, then toasted a bunch of panko and garlic in the rest of the butter and oil. Dumped that onto a plate and sauteed some zucchini and cherry tomatoes and more garlic. Threw in the cooked pasta, some pasta water, chilli flakes, cream, parm. Then topped with the crispy brussels/panko/garlic and some more parm. It. Was. Amazing.

      1. Bluebell*

        That sounds fantastic. Last week we had pasta w chard and garlicky panko breadcrumbs. Tonight was pasta w broccoli rabe and walnuts.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yummmmmmmmmmmmmm. Love a walnutty pasta! My husband is a nuts-in-things skeptic, alas.

    2. WellRed*

      I attempted sweet potato fries tonight. I’m sorry to say they did not turn out crispy, but I’m also not surprised.

      1. Blueberry*

        America’s Test Kitchen had a sweet potato fries recipe where they created a coating on the surface that fried up crispy. I only made it once but I do remember it worked well.

    3. Anon5775*

      Going to make chicken garlic spaghetti and buttermilk pancakes soon. And going to try caramel rolls with a yeasted dough recipe as well. I’ve made homemade pizza before too and man, when it works it is delish!

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Last weekend’s egg salad thread had me craving egg salad so I made that this week. But otherwise, no cooking adventures or cravings. Oh I did make a quesedilla and my ramen noodle hack (which is basically the 30c packet of ramen noodles with chicken, broccoli and mushrooms etc).

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I haven’t made it yet, but I bought extra eggs expressly for this purpose! I plan to make it on Monday so we have easy lunches on Tuesday. I might even make enough to have two versions.

    5. nep*

      Had to roast some potatoes tonight…I just keep buying one or two potatoes when I make my way to the grocery store a couple times a week. They’re piling up.

    6. NeverNicky*

      Mr Never and I managed to get fresh yeast and strong bread flour at the farm shop so we made bread (he’d never made it before) and Derbyshire pancakes (yeasted pancakes made with 50/50 flour and oatmeal).

      Carb heaven …

    7. Llellayena*

      Made my first roast leg of lamb all by myself last night! According to my guests (which included my mom who’s recipe it is) it came out great! I’m all proud of me!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        [I will now scurry down to the basement to take the lamb out of the freezer for my husband’s birthday thanks for the reminder!]

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m trying another round of sourdough. I think I need to feed my starter more or something because my attempts so far just don’t rise very much. It’s edible but quite dense. I also want to make some kind of cake that uses orange juice, but isn’t one where you have to reduce the juice to make a syrup to drizzle over it. Can’t be bothered with all that. I have a couple of those little juice boxes that are going to be past the best before date soon and a cake seems like a good way to use them up.

      1. Llellayena*

        There’s an apple cake recipe that uses OJ. Very tasty. I’ll check back in a few hours, if you’re interested and can’t find it online I’ll dig it up and post.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Ooh, apple cake might be good. I’m imagining some kind of polenta cake but all the ones I’ve seen call for a lot of ground almonds, which I don’t have.

    9. Belgian*

      I am quite proud of the sourdough cinnamon rolls I made. Cinnamon rolls aren’t something you find easily here and we definitely didn’t have them growing up, but I’ve loved the ones I tried in the States or Canada. Now my freezer is stocked with delicious treats :-)

    10. Fikly*

      Spreadable cheese wedges sprinkled with everything bagel seasoning and extra salt?

      Living a classy life here.

    11. Jaid*

      I had some spicy marinated chicken from the Korean supermarket, got some eggplant, a variant of choy, snow peas, and scallions. Piled up the veggies and topped off with the chicken in the Instant Pot. Poured in a bottle of hard cider. Meat/stew setting.

      Mmmm, well, the broth from that is awesome. But the rest of it looks terrible so meh… At least I tried?

      1. Jaid*

        Just broke out the Sprializer and did a sweet potato 3mm slice. Covered in oil, salt and pepper, it’s in the toaster oven on the rack, baking.

  81. blaise zamboni*

    A few weeks ago, I asked for advice about introducing my cats to my boyfriend’s parents’ cats as we all moved. I didn’t get a chance to reply at the time, but I read every response and I really, really appreciated the input from everyone! Thank you all so much!

    It ended up being a moot point. Boyfriend has been adamant that our transition to living together be as smooth as possible, so he put his foot down with his parents and insisted that they take their cats to their new home. Even after a family dinner where his mom guilt-tripped all of us for a few hours (“well I guess we’ll have to dump them at a shelter then…where they don’t know anybody…the poor cats…”), he stood his ground and his mom caved. Parents’ cats are now, thankfully, very happily adjusting to their new home with the family they’ve always known — we’re not sure why, but they’ve been more affectionate and engaged than they had ever been before. So that turned out to be a big win for everybody!

    I moved in to our new place last weekend, and my cats are also adjusting very well. They’re doing better than I expected, honestly. Boyfriend dotes on both of them, but I know he’s wanted a cat of his own for a while, so once things have settled I predict we’ll adopt another cat or another pair. That’s a long ways out, but I think it would work well. And I feel much more confident with the tips I got here :) I felt silly being worried when Alison pointed out that the open thread picture that week was of all 6 (I think? you have so many) cats together. That’s my dream now: a house full of happy cats, coexisting with each other and with us.

    One huge plus: Boyfriend’s dad and brother built a screened-in catio outside the room that is now my office, complete with a huge cat tree. I’m working from home most of the time, so I spent the majority of this week watching my cats sleep in the sun while I got work done. It’s the most peaceful thing I could’ve asked for. I was so scared to make this change, but it’s been nothing but good so far.

    I hope you are all doing well and enjoying a nice, long weekend!

    1. tangerineRose*

      A catio sounds great!

      Your boyfriend’s mother sounds like she has some issues. Threatening to send her cats to the shelter! That’s awful.

    2. Amy*

      I’m glad the adjustment is going well! That’s awful that your MIL tried to guilt-trip you that way. My uncle did the same thing when I refused to take his parrot he decided he didn’t want anymore. He told me he was just going to “let it go outside” since I said no, and I was seriously pissed he would try to pull that on me. Of course, when I stood my ground he found the bird another home.

    3. sswj*

      Multicat households can definitely work! And adding a catio space is perfect :)

      I have currently 11 cats in the house, and 4 more barn cats that came with this property we recently bought. I’ve built my guys their own cat yard, it’s about 30 ft wide by 115 ft long. The fence is 7 feet tall with an overhang, made of mesh that the birds can get through but the cats don’t like to climb. There’s a couple of trees for shade, lots of sun and grass, and plenty of bugs to chase, birds and squirrels to watch, etc. It has *really* made a difference in their happiness. It took a couple of months after moving in to get it all put up and the stress level in our house (not quite 1700 sq feet) was definitely building. They’d had a similar setup at the old place and we ALL definitely missed it!

      I love that they can get out in the air and the sun, and have a really good gallop, and be safe.

  82. Jett*

    Has any of the AAM commentariat had a hair transplant? I’m a woman but I’m open to hearing from both women and men about their experience. I’ll post mine in a follow up comment so anyone who isn’t interested can skip it. If you’ve had or know someone who has I’d be interested in hearing about it.

    1. Jett*

      My experience:

      I’m 25 years old. I decided to get a hair transplant because I had significant hair loss due to traction alopecia (black woman with 4c hair) Years of tight hairstyles and relaxing my hair had caused my hair loss. All of the women in my family suffer from this issue. My older relatives (grandmothers and aunts) are pretty much bald. I didn’t want to be that way. Seven years ago I gave up relaxing, weaves and those damaging styles. If you search for Lupita Nyong’o at the 2015 Oscars, that’s how I wear my hair now I had my transplant the first week of March, right before everything went into lock down so at least I get to ride out the recovery in isolation. I had an FUE transplant. It doesn’t leave a noticeable scar and it was done at a clinic that specializes in African American hair types. I’m pleased with my recovery so far. My family is not supportive of me wearing my short, natural hair no longer relaxing, dying, heat styling or wearing weaves or damaging styles or my hair transplant so there’s not many people I can talk to about it. (They say my hairstyle is ugly and I’m boring for wearing it the same all these years). I’m happy with my hairstyle though.

      1. fposte*

        That’s really interesting! I’m sorry your family isn’t supportive, though I bet there’s some secret envy in there. It sounds like you made an excellent choice and at a young enough age to enjoy it for a long time, and maybe you’re making it easier for somebody else to do the same.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Same from me. I googled Lupita’s pic. She is very beautiful. I bet you look great, also.

      2. Blueberry*

        I am so sorry your family is being so awful. I went natural quite awhile ago in part to avoid traction alopecia and the other downsides of relaxers, etc. It’s hard when the people who are supposed to love you most are so harsh about somehting important to you, but there are many, many many of us out here wearing our hair in various natural styles including the high-n-tight and looking beautiful doing so. I’m certain you look gorgeous!

      3. allathian*

        I’m so sorry your family isn’t being supportive in this. Good for you, though!

    2. Courageous cat*

      No but will be following this as I have cicatricial alopecia (scarring alopecia, causes diffuse thinning on top of the head, rudely where I would like it to thin the *least*) and plan to try to save up for one later.

    3. Lulubell*

      I haven’t, but I am currently experiencing hair loss and exploring my options. Would you mind sharing a bit more about the procedure? For instance: how long did it take? Were you fully sedated or just numbed? Has recovery been painful? What are the expectations for regrowth and are results mean to be permanent or are touch-ups expected down the road? And if you don’t mind, how much did it cost, and do you live in a high or low cost of living area? I am 44, white, and am looking at various solutions. Thank you!

  83. Politics & Dating*

    Looking for advice navigating politics in relationships…

    I recently started dating this amazing man. We have mutual friends and previously met in 2014 but found each other on a dating app 2.5 months ago and are quickly realizing that we very well may have found “the one”. We have had amazing and long socially distanced picnic dates 5 weeks in a row and it just feels so right. We want the same things, have so many shared hobbies and interests and I’m blown away by this feeling. Everyone I talk to about it says that’s how they felt when they met their future husband/wife.

    The only topic that we haven’t talked about yet is politics. We live in the northeastern United States, a very blue area. I “accidentally” creeped pretty far back on his parents Facebook pages one day and found 2 posts in the past 3.5 years that support our current president. I completely disagree and want him gone. I know this doesn’t necessarily mean he supports him, but I have no idea how to at least get this conversation out of the way so I can know where he stands! For what it’s worth, I haven’t always been very “into” politics but feel that it matters more to me now than it has in the past. Does anyone have any good advice for this, and especially any advice for split households or spouses who support someone you cannot stand? Thank you!

    1. lazy intellectual*

      I also recently started “dating” someone (we went on one in-person date before the lockdown) for a couple of months now, and we talked politics right off the bat. Granted, it’s something that has always been important to me, and it’s one of the primary ways I weed out potential dates. Fortunately, it turns out we have the same views. The subject just came up organically, because I was complaining about how a lot of recent events are due to our incompetent government/policies.

      If you aren’t already talking about politics…I’m not sure how else to introduce it into conversation without either asking outright about their opinion, or just making a statement yourself and see if they agree/disagree.

      1. Politics & Dating*

        Thank you! It does seem easier to sneak in mini political conversations right now surrounding coronavirus. I do know that he doesn’t think it’s a hoax, takes it seriously, wears masks, social distances, we’ve talked about wanting businesses to open back up for the sake of the hurting business owners and economy, but understand why it taken this long for our state to begin opening. I know he believes it in from a science stand point which is good to know of course. I will probably just start asking point blank to figure out the rest of the pieces next time we see each other.

    2. university minion*

      You need to use your words and talk to him.
      I hope nobody judges me because of some of the garbage on my relatives’ social media. There are good reason why 1,000 miles away is close enough to most of them. FWIW, with my relatives who haven’t unfriended me, the random “Official I hate is AWESOME!” posts I ignore. Ones that promote a position – generally racist, sexist, xenophobic or some combination of the three – I call out, usually by posting reputable sources explaining why it’s bunk.
      There have been a few times when I messaged a very elderly aunt to “see if they’d been hacked because someone had posted really hateful stuff all over their page.” On one hand, she didn’t put 2+2 together that I was talking about the crap she was posting, but on the other hand, she legit thought she got hacked, and stayed off social media for a while. For someone who is probably too old to change their views, that may be the best one can hope for.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I hope nobody judges me because of some of the garbage on my relatives’ social media.

        Yeah, his parents’ politics are not necessarily his. I know tons of people who are super “blue” whose parents are super “red.”

    3. TechWorker*

      I would just talk about it. I know a lot of folks who don’t agree with their parents politics and a lot of folks where politics isn’t really vital to them. Not that they don’t care but they don’t identify strongly with any particular party.

      Tbh I reckon most things are workable as long as neither of you is really extreme (or rude or patronising about people with different politics) but saying that I also would not be able to date a Trump supporter.

    4. Morning reader*

      For me, the most important thing would be that he shares my underlying values. My parents always had a firm policy of honoring the “secret ballot,” and that worked for them not to discuss their votes back in the day when both sides of the political spectrum were considered legitimate. Nowadays, I would recommend letting these topics come up organically. How does he feel about having children? Does he worry about their futures with climate change? What about abortion? If you become intimate, is abortion a legitimate backup plan or does he think women who have abortions are murderers? Watch any movie with a historic setting. Does he think African Americans were better off when they were enslaved? I would date a guy who thinks government should have a more limited role than I think it should… classic conservatism. I would not date a guy who doesn’t understand climate change, is ok with women and POC being paid less, thinks DACA immigrants should be deported, and so on. There is a spectrum of political beliefs and some extremes are not what you’d want to become strange bedfellows with.

      1. Politics & Dating*

        Thank you! I agree, actual values should be more important than a vote on a ballot…but sometimes I am overwhelmed thinking about how anyone with a brain could see this guy and think “he’s doing a great job” and just want to shake those people. I’ve definitely been able to get a sense of how he feels on some topics without outright asking, but I may just come out and ask next time we’re together. My whole extended family is also very open about their political beliefs so I am hoping he feels at least a little bit the same, but I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker if he doesn’t as long as the values are there.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        One of my parents was a Democrat and one was a Republican. It took me years to figure out which was which.

        They never discussed politics per se. They talked about community problems and possible solutions available for those problems but there was no “I am an X, therefore I believe ABC.” It was all about options for solutions, “We have X problem. But we have possible solutions a, b and c. Which one would be the choice to have the best results?”

        Currently I work with two people on the opposite ends. I have huge respect for both of them. And it is a similar thing, when it comes to talking about solving problems the focus is on lining up choices and picking a choice. Very practical approach which leads to proactive dicussions. Discussions end with a well thought out working solution.

        Oddly, when it comes to handling practical matters people can end up more in agreement than disagreement. It’s kind of makes me chuckle because at work, I see the “conservative” person pick an option that seems more like something a liberal would pick. And visa-versa, I see the “liberal” person pick something a conservative would pick. There are lots of reasons why this cross over happens. But I already saw it with my parents so I know for a fact that this happens.

        Like you say here, my parents never discussed how they voted. This gave them each the space for their own thinking on matters.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          One thing that has been amusing to me for a long time is the strong “back to nature” fringe element on both sides of the political spectrum and how similar they are in some ways. The super-hippy tree-hugger environmentalists and the quiver-full religious conservatives can and do find a lot of common ground around canning recipes and the best way to raise goats.

          1. lazy intellectual*

            Yep I notice there are anti-GMO people on both sides of the spectrum. As an almost molecular biologist, both want to make me bang my head against the wall.

          2. fposte*

            I cannot now remember where I read this article (via Longform) by a woman who went to a survivalist/prepper weekend conference and found some of each. It was an interesting assessment of what was and wasn’t there.

            She camped uneasily there and then became an article of suspicion because a mixup with her car rental ended up with its being reported stolen and cops turning up amid the preppers and SovCits.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Preppers and SovCits? hmmm.
              You know there are some mixes of people who could keep a Thanksgiving dinner from being DULL.

        2. Dancing Otter*

          My parents always said that their votes cancelled each other out. No idea which was which, though. I know my father hated the machine Democrats in Chicago, but a lot of people hated the machine without being Republican at the state or national level.

          Years later, I found out my mother voted Republican at least once, because she commented how disappointed she was in George II.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      My husband is of the same particular political persuasion as I am, however, his parents are the complete opposite of both of us. A lot of people grow up to think something totally different from their parents (obviously some think the same way), but it’s something you should talk to him about and get his personal views on. I agree with Morning reader that it’s more about sharing values, but it’s certainly easier to be with someone with whom you agree with that kind of big picture stuff. The politics of my husband’s parents has become an issue in some cases, but we’ve always tried to have polite and respectful disagreement. My brother-in-law on the other hand, who shares my and my husband’s views, has full on brawls with my in-laws. I like to watch that with popcorn :)

      1. Politics & Dating*

        Haha yes I definitely know plenty of people who voted and support the other way. Some are very open about it and wear the clothing and merch of their guy, while others are opening about voting one way it to get out of voting for another and don’t actually like that person. My grandparents still couldn’t tell us one legitimate reason why they actually voted they way they did. The whole-family group chats get pretty wild when politics come up!

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Most of my family is very much on the opposite side of the political spectrum from me. It’s quite painful in some ways, especially when I hear my Mom repeating some of the more ridiculous conspiracy-minded stuff. But I try not to bring it up much. I hate that they think this way but on the other hand it doesn’t come up that much in daily life. Two posts in all this time is not necessarily strong support, IMHO.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      I have no idea how to at least get this conversation out of the way so I can know where he stands!

      Can you express a political opinion of some kind yourself, and see how he reacts?

      1. Reba*

        I’m genuinely amazed that this hasn’t come up yet. Seriously, OP, well done on having great conversations that aren’t stuck on the news cycle!

        But to my point, I would imagine any discussion of current events would be a natural opening to get a sense of the political leanings.

        I also don’t think it would be a bad idea to address it more squarely, like, “as we are getting more serious I’d like to learn more about your political opinions and share mine.” You need to see not only if the underlying values are compatible, but also, can you talk about this together?

        1. Politics & Dating*

          I’m kind of amazed that it hasn’t come up, too! We have talked plenty about coronavirus and everything going on, we’ve talked about things our governor has said or done, but it’s more been from a personal/people we know/my immunosuppressed mother standpoint rather than political. It’s been nice and refreshing to get to know someone during a crazy time but not spend all our time focusing on the craziness. Knowing myself, I do think I’ll have to bring up my questions outright. I hope it is good!

    8. Fikly*

      It’s a tricky issue.

      I hear a lot of people saying, well, it’s just politics, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and if you don’t talk about it it’s fine. But personally, I cannot have people in my life who do not believe some human beings do not deserve human rights simply because of the color of their skin, or their sexuality, or whatever. That’s not politics. That’s beyond politics.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yeah – I grew up with this mentality when living in a swing state. There was a strong mentality of “don’t judge other people for their political beliefs” and keeping political beliefs to yourself. I even had some people with very opposite poliical/policy beliefs in my social circle whom I would hang out with.

        While I understand not bringing up politics in formal settings or platforms not dedicated to discussing politics, I decided to finally ditch this nonsense in my adult life. Sorry not sorry, but I find it very uncomfortable to fraternize with people who are nice to my face but then turn around and vote for racist public officials who also think it’s okay to hoard wealth and deny social benefits. Like no thank you.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          I’m currently reconsidering several friendships. The pandemic is bringing out behaviors and beliefs that I had no clue that they had. I believe in inclusion and consideration and I’m having trouble understanding why their behavior has changed so much. I understand that this is a traumatic time for everyone and stress brings out things that are deep inside. It feels terrible to consider ending these friendships but I just can’t look at these people the same way anymore.

    9. Traffic_Spiral*

      Eeeeh… maybe don’t start the talk with “I creeped 2 full years back on your parents’ page?” Like, not even him but his *parents?* Don’t get me wrong, I understand how easy it is to fall down an online rabbithole, but that’s gonna come off creepy.

      Maybe just sorta blurt it out sometime: “just so we’re clear, I hate Trump. You?” It’s not exactly a question you can ask delicately (“What’s your opinion on self-tanner for politicians?”).

      1. Politics & Dating*

        Oh definitely not! I would never say “I saw two things on your parents Facebook pages that made anxious about your political beliefs, what are they?” I will try to find some kind of tactful way to go about it…

    10. NicoleK*

      If politics is important to you, bring it up now. I place the politics talk on the same level as the ‘do you want children’ talk. It’s better to find out now: values, deal breakers, whether you want children, and etc, then years down the road. I wished DH and I had the politics discussion when we were dating. We do not share the same political views and it causes a lot of conflict in our marriage (especially now, given the toxic political climate).

    11. Anonnington*

      Just bring up politics. An easy way to do it is by mentioning a news story.

      I would keep an open mind. He might have said that stuff to his family because of some kind of family pressure. Or maybe he opposes the more obvious flaws of the president but was supportive because of a few issues that he cares about.

      When you talk about it, try to get a sense of how honest he’s being. I’m always amazed at the ways in which some guys try to mislead you in order to make a certain kind of impression. I would not necessarily expect someone to be honest about their political views. In light of that, the honesty factor would be just as important to me as the kinds of views they hold.

    12. charo*

      I was happy to get a latenight call from a guy I used to date, he’s special to me despite knowing he’s a Republican, but I refused to have phone sex w/him because he told me he was running for office. I guess that was where I draw the line.

      Usually I need to know something about someone’s values and life view before dating him — and that’s what I consider politics to be, values. It’s how we choose to spend our tax $ and make our laws.

      Because what’s the point of ignoring his values? They matter. If he’s anti-choice, what happens to his “values” if HE’s involved in a decision like that? Does he change his mind then? Does he oppose my rights?

  84. 80s aerobics fashion aesthetic*

    Watching some 80s and 90s reruns lately and I’m just so fascinated by this…

    Were thongs over leggings/leotards for exercise really a thing back in the 80s & 90s or was it mostly shown on TV? If it was real…..what was the function of wearing a thong/brief over leggings/leotards? 

    I mean, it’s not unattractive, I’m just so curious about it as I grew up in hte 90s/2000s so active-wear has been very different.

    As an adult, I find activewear to be very versatile which is great. I’m just so curious about this. No offense intended.

    1. NewReading Glasses*

      It was a leotard over tights. The tights were generally too sheer and revealing on their own. Like for ballet, but super high cut leg openings. Sometimes a thong leotard. Sometimes with also a belt. Then further fashion-based mutations, some involving extra bra-type items that were actually useful. I was too young to wear such things, but I remember them.

    2. TechWorker*

      I did a bunch of dance as a child in the 90s. Thong leotards were very much out at my dance school but I had a friend who had a ‘uniform’ for her dance group of a black unitard worn with a white outlined thong over it. I remember being absolutely horrified at the time (We were maybe 10?) and tbh still am (who puts a child in that?). I’m not 100% sure why – whether it was just for the look – but could also be to make a unitard fit better – they can be a bit difficult to get the right fit at the crotch?

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      I used to wear a thong leotard over bike short length leggings all the time in the early 90s. I don’t know how popular it was, but trends definitely moved slower than they do now. I lived in the Midwest and did step aerobics 3 times a week at a local health club. I didn’t think of the club as upscale, but it did have a shop and a smoothie bar, and fees were in the upper-mid price range. I first saw the trend in the shop at the club, but I think I could get them at Target as well. The other part of the trend was thick looking scrunched socks and high-top cross trainers.

      I don’t think there was a function to the thong, it was just the style. I also saw regular leotards worn over short leggings. I think leggings were considered more like clothing than tights. Tights would have been part of the dance world. They probably inspired leggings, but the gym culture would have wanted something different. Aerobics was fairly new and so the style was different and more fashion forward than for other gym activities. The trend probably started with the instructors and video participants because the viewer/attendee would need to be able to see what the instructor was doing. And I half remember new techniques in manufacturing and/or advances in the fabric playing a part. Oversized tees over leggings had been a recent trend. You’d never wear the leggings with a shorter top, that would be like showing your underwear. Which is why there was a generational divide over leggings as pants.

    4. Lulubell*

      Thong leotards came into fashion in the early 90’s where I grew up (suburban MA) and I wore them to aerobics over spandex bike shorts or leggings. It was unattractive, but that was the style for some reason! 80’s style was more full-bottomed leotards, and I’m guessing the thong evolution mirrored the popularity of thong underwear, which came into style (or at least, my awareness) around the same time.

  85. Might Be Spam*

    A week ago I asked for suggestions on how to support my adult son because he feels like he has no faith in humanity anymore. Thank you for the ideas. I invited him and his roommate to “dinner over Skype.” I kept the suggestions in mind and I think it helped. His roommate seemed to feel like same way as my son. We had a good time and I think they both felt “heard” and while things haven’t changed, they seem more cheerful. He and his roommate are excellent friends and encourage each other and it helped me feel better when I saw them interact.

    Tonight I had a Skype problem he helped me with and we had a nice chat. I’m less worried about him now. Short chats and texting are a low pressure way of keeping in touch with him.

    2. allathian*

      Great to hear you’ve found at least a partial solution and I’m glad you’re less worried about him.

  86. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

    Am I the only one tired of hearing “We are all in this together.” slogan. I’m sitting in a quarantine house with my only highlight is food shopping and cutting the grass every 10 days. The final expense insurance commercials are so morbid and have gotten on my last nerve also.

    I don’t mind if you disagree, please don’t be rude unless you are really good at it.

    1. NeverNicky*

      As events in the UK show, we’re not it in together.

      If you are a special adviser to the Prime Minister, you can break lockdown repeatedly, travel when you have Covid-19, lie about it, your wife lies about it, your cabinet colleagues tweet in support, 10 Downing Street refuses to comment, Twitter doesn’t show #Cumming as trending and it’s all okay because he was doing his best for “a vulnerable child” (a four year old who if he was the child of you or I would be going to school next week because children are safe).

      Meanwhile my uncle died alone, and my parents attended his funeral sat in the crematorium car park because they obeyed the rules…

      Yes, I’m sick of the humbuggery too.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I don’t want to get into politics, but I don’t think we’re all in this together. First of all, what is “this” that we’re in? Some of us are in one thing, and some of us are in an entirely different thing. I have to deal with loneliness and boredom. That’s really different from having to deal with food insecurity and concerns about housing. And who are “we” that are all together? Our country has gotten to the point where many people genuinely don’t see the country as being a “we.” Our power structure seems determined to exacerbate this by protecting and enriching some folks while turning its back on others.

      So no, you’re not the only one who’s tired of that.

      2. Another llama fan*

        I saw a good image on social media that said something along the lines of “we’re all in the same storm but not all in the same boat” and showed a variety of boats being tossed by a storm in the ocean – ranging from huge yachts that looked secure to tiny row boats. That has felt like a very accurate analogy to me.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      My country (USA) has taken the stance that COVID is an opinion. I definitely dont’ feel like we’re in this together as it feels like many seem to think it’s truly a hoax and just want to get back to getting their haircuts. Not sure if there are deniers in other countries.

    4. Misty*

      “please don’t be rude unless you are really good at it.”

      This made me laugh. I love that you make exceptions!

      Also, I agree with you. I’m also tired of hearing the “in these trying times” in commercials. I would prefer to hear no mention of anything odd in commercials. Don’t they know we are watching TV to escape?

    5. Morning reader*

      I’m tired of hearing that too. The analogy I’ve heard elsewhere is that we’re all in the same storm, but in different boats. Some weathering the storm better than others.

      I agree that the advertising is tedious. However I noticed in the first couple of weeks of lockdown that all the regular commercials were extremely tone deaf for this unusual situations. Come to this party, come to this store, come buy a car, come drink this beer…etc etc all displaying groups of people frolicking in close proximity. I wondered how long it would take them to pull those ads and put out something more sensitive and timely. (About two weeks iirc.) Now it seems it’s gone too far the other way and we’re all sick of the corporate attempts to seem like they give two hoots about people.

    6. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      It’s funny. Listening to all the commercials yesterday, I was thinking that although it is an awful time to be a working musician in general, it must not be so bad for piano players. All these overwrought commercials with melodramatic piano music are making me wish I didn’t quit piano lessons so quickly as a kid.

      Also, I’m pretty much ready for “we’re all in this together” and “hang in there” to be banished from the English language.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Oh, PETTRD, you made me laugh so loudly I woke a neighbor. Oops….. But yeah! I saw one of those melodramatic piano commercials yesterday for…….a pizza chain. Good grief. :)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      During WWII there was a lot of cohesion building activities to get everyone on the same page. Argumentatively, they could be called “rally around the flag stuff” or propaganda. Some people did not like the cohesion building activities at that time. But overall people pulled together and tried to help each other. Of the mistakes we made at that time, we have vowed not to make those mistakes again.

      To my despair I saw very little effort to build cohesion with this pandemic. Finally when they decided they needed to do some PR they came up with a very poor campaign. More like grasping at straws than anything. And the failure manifests in people’s desperation/loneliness and it manifests with the opposite extreme of the loudness of the deniers.
      This means the goal to build any sense of cohesion failed. Epically. Building cohesion is a Leadership 101 topic.
      We could have done better. And we will spend decades talking about HOW we could have done better.

      1. 653-CXK*

        In World War II, once they saw the horrors of Pearl Harbor, they were convinced This Was Serious, and thence began the propaganda that they had to fight against the Axis. Those who weren’t soldiers “did their part” by rationing food and clothing, being forced to do without, and contributing to the war effort through the purchase of war bonds.

        The best way to get people to “do their part” for this unpredictable virus is for the media and politicians to stop parroting shallow cliches, and not be hypocrites caught in the act of the things they’re preaching about.

        Emphasize the acts required to prevent getting the virus; people comply better to preventative measures when they are simple and clear, not “the PR department slapped together this word salad fifteen minutes ago and we want you to follow it, even though we didn’t bother reading it.”

        1. 653-CXK*

          The “they” in the first sentence should be “people”. Also, the following sentence should read “Those who weren’t soldiers “did their part” by rationing food and clothing, volunteering, and contributing to the war effort, either through getting rid of their scrap and/or the purchase of war bonds.”

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      I think I read an analogy somewhere that said it was more like we’re all in the same storm together, but we’re not all in the same kinds of boats, and some of us don’t even have boats.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Ooh! That’s a good one. I’ll have to remember it.

        It is kind of like that old saying that, “A rising tide lifts all boats,” except some of us don’t have boats.

    9. Fikly*

      Who is the we? Certainly not all the people who are saying money is more important than human lives.

    10. Carol!*

      It’s especially irksome to hear this from celebrities and other wealthy people. They are in no way in this with me. Self-employed, no money bailouts, no stimulus money, no unemployment plus that extra $600.00/week! Meanwhile, they can order meals out three times a day with no problem at all. Some of them aren’t tone deaf, but many are clueless!

    11. Fish Microwaver*

      If I hear “we’re all in this together ” or ” these strange/difficult/challenging times” or any of the other trite weasel words/phrases, I am going to vomit. I’m in a country with low numbers of cases/deaths, but I know many people who are struggling with the loss of jobs and businesses. There are a lot of people struggling with WFH and home schooling their kids. I heard of the suicide of an acquaintance in a hobby group yesterday. I hear people doing it tough in small households but we have had a couple of extra people staying and that’s difficult too. I’m looking forward to restrictions easing and plan to treat myself to a mini vacation.

      1. Chaordic One*

        Or when they say “interesting times.” Um, not really. At least I don’t find them interesting. But maybe that’s just me.

  87. KR*

    Looking for recommendations of a send-away screen repair company. I have an old Kindle D01100 with a broken screen. It isn’t backlit and I enjoy the simplicity of it. Overall it’s a great model. I don’t live anywhere near a mall or Best Buy where there would normally be a screen repair place. There are small places out here that do it but I’d prefer something where I can send the kindle somewhere for the screen to be replaced.

    1. moql*

      Do check with amazon’s customer support. I had a several year old Kindle with a dead battery and was very impressed with their response.

  88. Blueberry*

    Fruit Bonbons

    I promised Third or Nothing I’d post this recipe. It requires one branded ingredient, but that one’s fairly easy to get.

    This is the rosehip version, but really any freeze dried or ‘hard’ dried fruit can be substituted for the rosehips. (I’ll talk more about that below.)

    2 cups dried rosehips, tea-cut
    one 2oz package freeze dried pears
    one 2oz package freeze dried grapes
    one 2 oz package freeze dried pineapple
    [next time I’ll swap in freeze dried cherries for one of these]
    1 cup sugar (I used half demarara) plus more for rolling
    2 tsp freeze dried ginger
    1 tsp mixed spice (I used TJ’s Pumpkin Spice. It has lemon zest and cardamom in it. It’s legitimately good.)
    1/2 cup fruit pectin mix from Nuts.com (pectins are really brand
    specific. I’ll try to experiment with other brands)
    1/2 cup water
    1/2 tsp salt
    1/2 tsp citric acid (or swap 2 tbsp lemon juice for 2 tbsp water)

    This recipe requires a kitchen appliance which can reduce things to powder. Most food processors manage sand at best. I used to have a coffee grinder reserved for sweet ingredients, but it broke, so I used my roommate’s ultra powerful blender.

    Set up a really large bowl and a really large fine mesh strainer
    (strainer over bowl, obvs). Using whatever pulverizer is on hand, in whatever batches make sense, reduce the rosehips, freeze dried fruits and ginger, and sugar to fine powders and pass them through the strainer. Discard anything too large to pass through the strainer. Try not to cough. Set the bowl and its contents aside.

    In a small saucepan, heat the water just to boiling (be careful not to boil any off). Sprinkle the pectin over, turn the heat all the way
    down to the lowest simmer, and leave for 5 minutes or so for the
    pectin to melt. (Use this time to clean up the fine fruit powder that
    settled everywhere.) When the pectin is melted, stir well to produce a thick goop, and add the spice, salt, and citric acid.

    When well mixed, scrape the goop into the bowl of fruit powder and stir as well as you can to combine everything into a very thick sticky paste. Do not add more water. You will be tempted, but you can
    actually beat everything together if you keep at it. Once well mixed,
    scrape into an oiled container, seal airtight, and leave overnight
    (for all the fruit particles and pectin and water to commingle — the texture will firm up).

    The next day, using a teaspoon or a teaspoon scoop, portion the
    mixture, roll into balls (dampening one’s hands can be useful) and
    roll in coarse sugar, pressing gently to adhere. Arrange on a lined
    tray, cover with something porous, and leave overnight to dry until
    firm enough to hold their shape.

    Notes: I haven’t tried making these without the sugar, because the hygroscopic properties of sugar act as a natural preservative. If doing so I’d reduce the water by a couple tbsp and eat them within a few days.

    The reason this recipe uses freeze dried fruit is because freeze dried fruit (and rosehips) can be ground to powder. REgular dried fruit grinds up to a sticky paste that can kill food processor motors.

    (This recipe is much less complicated than all of this makes it sound.)

      1. Blueberry*

        You’re totally welcome! I especially love the rosehip version because it lets us enjoy the fresh fruity flavor of raw rosehips (they get kind of tomatoey when cooked). But don’t skip the sifting! And use the finest sifter you own!

  89. triscuit head*

    Anyone have any favorite Alison Roman recipes? Everything looks so good that I can’t decide where to start.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’d never heard of her until now and a quick Google search. Her split pea soup is very similar to my recipe, but with leeks and Worcestershire sauce, so that sounds interesting. Also, I like pickles, so her jalapeno-cilantro pickled corn is definitely something I’m going to try later this some when I can get fresh corn.

        2. Zooey*

          It’s really different. Maybe I cooked it too long but ended up more jam than sauce. When you add it to pasta with pasta water it loosens up nicely. The flavor is good and has a lot more depth/ savoriness compared to marinara because of the anchovies.

          Based on flavor alone would make it again.

          she’s been getting some not so positive press lately and sometimes that can color appreciation for the recipe. At least for me

  90. Blue wall*

    Any recommendations for a vacuum cleaner? I’m looking for something that would work well on rugs, hardwood, and vinyl. Ideally under $2000. I would love to get a Dyson Stick but it seems like on sale they start at $250.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Hahaha! I’m glad you clarified, because it immediately reminded me of a conversation I had with a former coworker years ago. She was someone who bought only the best high-end things. She was talking about a vacuum cleaner she had–I can’t remember now what brand it was–and how it cost a couple thousand dollars. I remember asking her why she would spend so much money on a vacuum and she just said she wants her house to be clean. It just seemed extreme to me at the time. But I was also struggling a lot with money back then and it seemed crazy to spend that much money on vacuum. Although, I still wouldn’t spend that much now even though finances are good. Yikes.

        I have two Shark vacuum cleaners and I love them. Easy to maneuver and great suction. I think mine was about $150. I can’t really comment on the hardwood flooring since I tend to use the wand for any significant dirt I find on those floors. I’ve had a couple Dirt Devils and I hated them. They seemed cheaply made and didn’t work very well. But I also have A LOT of cats, so that could be why they weren’t good for my house.

          2. JKP*

            They may be expensive, but they really last. I grew up with one and bought one when I got my first apt. Mine is still going strong 25 years later, and my mom’s lasted over 45 years. She only got rid of it when she moved to a place with all hardwood floors.

        2. Nervous Nellie*

          I always think of the $2000 vacuums like a luxury car. Those who can afford a Tesla will still get stuck in the same traffic as me in my $1000 VW (it’s 20 years old, so yeah, it’s not worth much, but I love it and it runs).

          And their $2000 vacuum likely does roughly the same job as my $80.00 corded Dirt Devil that I bought at Walmart after learning in Consumer Reports that it was as good as the $350.00 Dyson, without the added electricity cost of keeping it on a charger. The $70.00 Dirt Devil also got top marks, but I splurged on the $80.00 one because it has a 25-foot long cord. I can clean my whole apartment without unplugging it.

      2. Not a cat*

        I have a Dyson upright (not stick). We went with it because there are 400 hairy beasts living here. I am underwhelmed at its performance.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In my house we have two dogs and three cats on rugs, hardwood, vinyl and tile, and our vacuum is (I believe) a Hoover WindTunnel 3? It’s been quite successful for us, and we’ve had it going on two years.

    3. MMB*

      I work in student housing and we use a Hoover Air Steerable. It tackles anything and everything. My sister and daughter-in-law both have several pets and swear by the Shark vacs. I’d recommend either of those.

      RE Kirbys, my grandmother bought a Kirby before I was born and had it for over 40 years I think it was the loudest vacuum on the planet!

    4. Generic Name*

      When my ex husband moved out, I made him take our old Hoover and decided to get a new vacuum myself. I did a ton of research and got a Shark Rotator. It is the only vacuum Ive ever actually loved. It’s basically the best vacuum out there that isn’t a Dyson, and is very affordable. Dyson’s were well above my price range.

    5. Spessartine*

      I don’t know if you have long hair or long-haired pets, but I have a Shark Navigator Zero-M and I LOVE it (as much as one can love a vacuum cleaner, anyway). There’s a long-haired person and four long-haired cats in my household and I always loathed vacuuming because I knew I’d spend more time cutting hair out of the brush roller than actually vacuuming anything. I have no idea what witchcraft was used to make the Shark Zero-M, but I have not once needed to clean the roller since we got it. Highly recommend it if hair-wrapped rollers is an issue for you.

  91. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I woke up at 4:30 after going to bed at 1. Not sure if it’s pregnancy messing up my sleep or something else. It’s a weird couple of days. My husband is a little under the weather (not going into detail but it’s not contagious) and is adopting social distancing from me right now despite knowing its not contagious. He’s being extremely cautious and not wanting me (and baby) get sick. I just feel lonely bored and lost without being able to see him or spend time. I’ve been up fr 2 hours, walked around a bit, read a book, and still wide awake. -___-

  92. The Other Dawn*

    I wanted to say thank you to those who replied to my post last weekend when I asked about when is time to get checked for possible depression and anxiety. It’s something I’ve never experienced before. Between having two surgeries, recovering at home during a pandemic, going right into work-from-home about a month ago, and then tapering off the opioids and nerve pain meds, I truly didn’t know if I should see someone or not, and had no idea where to start. I had a virtual visit with my primary care doctor on Wednesday and she prescribed Wellbutrin, which I started the next day.

    Now that it’s been a week since I posted, I’ve come to realize that the immense anxiety I was feeling, which increased as the previous week went on and peaked last Sunday (I was laying on a mat in my gym doing my physical therapy, bawling like crazy the whole time!), was all due to tapering off the oxyxodone. I was absolutely terrified of having withdrawals, as I’ve been on Percocet since July and then oxycodone after surgery. Even though it was a slow taper, I was convinced that I’d have terrible symptoms. My niece was a drug addict for almost 20 years, which got started with pain management, and has now been sober for three years. She’s working on a degree to be an addiction counselor and I remember her telling me a month ago that the taper schedule was too fast. That really stuck in my mind and made me worry if I’d be OK. I was also scared of losing my “security blanket” of good pain meds. Although the sciatica is gone (finally!!) and the post-op pain was gone a couple weeks after surgery, I still get deep leg muscle aches a few times a week and Tylenol does absolutely nothing for that. Since I can’t have NSAIDs, that’s my only option. That, or laying in the recliner for hours with the cooling therapy machine on my back and just waiting it out. Fine for now since I’m working from home, but not practical when it’s time to go back to the office. I’ll have to ask the doctor next week if there’s something else I can take on an as-needed basis that’s not an opioid.

    As for depression, I think most of that was tied to coming off the pain meds. I had no idea that depression and anxiety can be withdrawal symptoms, or just happen in general when coming off opioids. The physician’s assistants are the ones that dealt with me most of the time for the pain meds and I really wish they’d proactively told me what I might expect as I’m tapering down. (Yes, I could have and should have asked, but I wasn’t really thinking about that at the time.) I messaged them weeks ago when I first started feeling emotional, and was in the process of tapering down the oxy, and asked if the gabapentin could be causing the emotions and random crying. They said gabapentin could cause that and tapered me off of it. They never said it could be the reduced oxy. Had they told me, it probably would have saved me a few weeks of thinking I was going crazy or having some sort of breakdown. And when I messaged to see if they can give me something for anxiety (when I finally recognized last Sunday that that’s what it was), they said they “don’t manage anxiety” and to contact my PCP or a mental health provider. They also said if I felt like I needed to stay on the oxy, I should contact the pain management doctor. That’s not what I was asking at all! I never even hinted towards that. I know I needed to come off the oxy and I don’t actually need it anymore. That was incredibly frustrating.

    What remains of the depression seems to be pandemic-related, and I’m sure tons of people are going through it, too; I’m absolutely not the only one (one reason why I hesitated to call a doctor). Although I’m an introvert, it doesn’t mean I like all this isolation. I’m really hating this, actually. I miss going into the office and chatting with people. I miss being able to go to the store and just browse around, or going to the diner with my husband or a friend. Previously, I’d recharge by reading a book, watching TV, or hanging out with the cats. Now, there’s nothing I’m doing that requires recharging my batteries. It’s tough to get motivated to do anything when there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. Every day is the same. There’s no routine at all. Going to the store is more trouble that it’s worth right now and makes me feel worse. Working from home isn’t great since I don’t yet have a dedicated space for it, though I’m going to have to make an office since it’s clear we will be home at least through summer and possibly longer. I’m doing my PT in my gym, which is at least making me feel like I’m not constantly still in recovery mode, but I can’t work out yet. I’m also trying to wear something other than pajamas or workout clothes, which also helps me feel like I’m back to being somewhat normal again.

    Ugh, this went on way longer than intended so I’ll stop here. Hopefully you all are coping and getting through this OK.

    1. Colette*

      I’m glad things are getting better for you, even if it’s still hard! I also miss being able to go to the store on a whim. Everything’s so much more work now!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, that’s what I’m struggling with. I want so bad to go buy some hanging plants for outside, get my veggie plants, etc., but it just feels too much work. I think my recovery could be going better physically if I was able to get back to my normal routine, which involved driving to the office, going grocery shopping, and doing other errands. I’ve recovered well, but I’m sure the sciatica would have been gone a lot faster. I wasn’t super active before surgery anyway, but I’m definitely way less active than I was now that we’re under stay-at-home orders.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I hope you smile a tad. That restlessness, wanting to do something but not having the strength/mental endurance to do it all, is actually a healing symptom sometimes.

          Think back to a bad cold. There’s that awkward time, where laying in bed is not working at all. But try doing something and that falls apart also. The healing process seems to involve that stage where doing nothing or doing something are both annoying. If this is what is happening to you, I suspect pretty soon you will be telling us that you are doing much better. ;)

        2. Colette*

          Yeah, I have a project I want to do but I need lumber, and so far that has been an issue I just don’t want to deal with.

          Can you get outside somewhere every (or most) days? I find that helps. And also a lot of places are doing contactless pickup or delivery these days, which is slow but does help.

    2. Koala dreams*

      I hope you feel better soon! I’m glad to hear that you got an appointment with a doctor. Drug side effects are so tricky. It’s too late now, but sometimes I get good advice from pharmacists. They sometimes know better what to expect from different drugs.
      Take care!

    3. Fikly*

      Oh, yup, it’ll do that.

      For what it’s worth, with the many surgeries I’ve had, I’ve never been psychologically addicted to opiates. I have, however, dealt with the physical withdrawal multiple times, and it seems like I’m getting more sensitive as I have more surgeries (or just get older, who knows). It’s not fun, but it may be reassuring to be clear that physical withdrawal is very different than being addicted in a psychological way.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        It was primarily the physical withdrawal I was worried about and it turns out I was just fine this week. I admit there was a bit of “my security blanket is gone,” but that’s why I chose to go ahead with surgery. I didn’t want to get into a bad place eventually.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Glad to hear you are doing better physically and on the mend….. And yes, the more this pandemic drags on, the harder I think it gets psychologically even though I’m a well-socialized introvert. I miss the interaction I did have at the office (which was just about the right amount), and I hear you.
      If you are physically up to short walks, try to do them in the sunshine. I found that getting outside has been a huge help for me. I was surprised at how much even sitting on the patio elevated my mood and made even reading more fun.

      1. Lizzie*

        Also, have a look at the research showing that depression is a known side effect of having a general anaesthetic, and does pass over time – sorry can’t look any references up for you right now, but there’s quite a bit known about it. As I recall, risk of depression following anaesthetic increases with age too, Just another joy of ageing, lol

  93. monitors*

    I found a very old monitor in my closet, it’s old enough that it uses a HDMI Cable. I don’t remember if it worked or not when I put it away (or when exactly I did this), maybe 10 years ago when I moved? Is there any chance it might still be usable and be a good extra monitor to my laptop? Or, even it still works, will it be so old technology (bad screen resolution compared to what we have now for example), that it won’t work? I don’t have a way to test it, as I don’t have anything it can plug into, and wondering if I should just get a new monitor.

    1. Colette*

      So you don’t have a cable that will connect it to your laptop? A cable is cheaper than a new monitor; if it worked when you put it away, it’ll probably still work. I’d get a cable and try it out.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      What are you doing with your laptop — high end gaming, or just the basics? If you’re not doing anything super graphics-intensive, you probably wouldn’t really notice screen resolution much. I just upgraded my seven- and nine-year-old monitors a few months back, and that was just because I wanted a single larger one, not because of any visual issues with the older ones. (And the new one still uses HDMI, so that’s not really a signal of decrepitude :) )

    3. Rebecca*

      I agree with Colette. And here, we have to pay to recycle them, so if it works, and you don’t like it, you could put it on a freecycle page for free curbside pickup. Maybe someone else could use it?

    4. LGC*

      I don’t see why it shouldn’t work (and HDMI isn’t THAT old) – you might just need a dongle at most.

    5. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’d go to a local computer repair place and see if they’ll test it for you. I would imagine they’d have a cable or two lying around.

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I thought HDMI was the new(er) standard? Did you mean VGA?

      At any rate I’m currently using a fairly old 15 pin VGA monitor that someone gave me. It’s not the best but it’s a flat screen 1280 x 1024 LCD, and it’s fine. I don’t do anything that would require a super high definition or anything.

      The worst you can do is try it out and decide you don’t like it. But if it’s 10-15 years old it will probably be fine.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I should say that if you mean the kind of monitor I think you do, my 2 year old laptop still came with the right kind of port for it as well as an HDMI. A really old one might need some kind of plug adapter.

    7. monitors*

      Thank you! I will get cable and test it. I am just using the laptop so much more these days of staying home, my eyes get really tired at the end of the day.

    8. Can’t Sit Still*

      I’m using a 10+ year old LCD monitor as a second screen for my laptop. I had to buy a dongle, but it’s fine for documents and internet. The dongle was $7, much cheaper than a new monitor.

  94. Laptop cat hair*

    Is there anything that is good to clean up cat hair and have it not just float up and then down again on furniture? Now that I’m home all the time using my table as a desk, I notice this phenomenon more. I dust/clean the table regularly but it seems the hair just floats up and then comes back down. It’s not a huge issue but maybe there is something out there that is better than what I am using now (7th generation spray cleaner).

    1. WS*

      Anything that collects the hair (like a sticky roller or a rubber cat hair brush or a static cleaning cloth) does better than anything that displaces it.

      Source: owning cats with very fine hair

    2. cat socks*

      I like Swiffer dust cloths. I find the dust, cat hair, etc. actually sticks to the cloth. I like the Chum Chum roller for furniture.

    3. Selmarie*

      I read something recently that suggested that “dry dusting” could eventually damage wood surfaces? Idk. But I do use a damp cloth to dust (slowly, so I don’t stir up too much hair, dust). Also, I brush the cat once a week because 1) she loves it, 2) fewer/no hairballs, and 3) I figure the more I get off of her, the less that ends up drifting around my house. I even use a swiffer cloth to wipe her down when we’re done to get any loose hair before she trots off — that part she’s not so fond of.

    4. nonegiven*

      20 years after your cat dies and you sell your house, the new owners can take up the carpet and find cat hair under it. Cat hair is never ending, it gets everywhere.

  95. Drugstore Mascara?*

    Can anyone recommend a brand of mascara that can be found in a drugstore? I already hate Maybelline Great Lash. Someone once said that you might as well use drugstore mascara since you go through it so fast. I hate mascaras that make my lashes brittle and hard. Thank you.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Not sure if you are looking for cost versus availability but Lash Princess False Lash Effect is a top rated mascara on Reddit and Amazon and only $5. I think it’s in drugstores but not 100% positive on that one? It’s at least on Ulta and Amazon.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      What is your budget? Will you be buying online or in the store itself?

      Im wary of buying any cosmetic items on Amazon but Ulta usually carries all drugstore (and high end) brands.

      Essence Lash Princess or anything from Essence brand (approx $5).
      Loreal telescopic or Voluminous
      Maybelline great lash is meh, nto sure how it keeps ending up on every single list. its OK.
      Ulta’s in house brands are great quality and under $10
      Maybelline’s Falsie Lash Lift mascara is amazing
      Loreal’ Unlimited length and lift mascara

      Another option is buying travel size of higher-end brands. Sephora & Ulta usually carry those.
      For under $15, these are hte best ones IMO:
      Benefit Badgal BANG volumizing mascara
      Anything from Benefit
      Too faced Better than Sex travel size
      Anything from Tarte

      A final option is that if you already have mascara, you can “boost” it by using a mascara primer. Lancome and Loreal make them.

  96. Instant pot regrets*

    So I asked for an instant pot for my birthday last year after hearing so many people talk about how they love them. And now I can say….I just don’t get it? I’ve tried a bunch of recipes, and nothing has been compelling enough for me to want to actively use it over my regular pots and pans. It’s not quicker, it’s more hassle to clean up, and it takes up a lot of space in my cabinets. Maybe it’s because we don’t eat large cuts of meat, or lots of beans? Truthfully, we cook a lot of Asian influenced foods – so smaller portions of meats, with veggies and rice (think things like curries, bibimbap, biryanis, stir-frys, soups). Did anyone hate their instant pot, and then come to love it? I’m contemplating getting rid of it, but feel bad and also feel like maybe I’m just missing something since so many others love it so much.

    1. Impska*

      Same. I make boiled eggs in mine and that’s about it. We buy fresh eggs which are a pain to peel when boiled the traditional way. But they come out perfect and easy to peel after 6 minutes in the instant pot with 1 cup of a water. The eggs go on the rack so it’s more like steaming them. There’s also one vegetable soup I use it for.

      Other than that… I tried some things but invariably preferred cooking them the normal way.

      1. HBJ*

        Fwiw, you can get the exact same result with the eggs by doing them in a regular steamer pot. It takes about twice as long, but they’re the same easy to peel.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I think love and appreciation of the Instant Pot really depends on what you want to use it for. I really like it for hard-cooked eggs, large batches of seasoned rice, and pressure cooking something that would have come out as mush in the slow cooker. I used to make pot roast in the slow cooker and it was fine, but sometimes just kind of disintegrated. Using the same recipe with the pressure cooker feature of the Instant Pot, the meat was extremely tender, but still intact and not mushy. Hard-cooked eggs and batches of rice are perfect every time. I don’t see the gadget as a time saver, but I do think it helps me be more successful with certain recipes and I also find it easier.

    3. female-type person*

      I’m living in kitchen hell right now, due to a water damage claim. Isn’t that what everyone needs during a pandemic? My stove was not available. My orphan Instant Pot really saved me. Now that I’m still in hell, but in hell with a stove (in the middle of the floor) going forward, I will use the Instant Pot to cook steel cut oats. I can start it, we can leave for exercise, and it is ready and keeping warm for us, so there is no additional 45 minute wait for oatmeal to cook. Objectively, the results are good and it cleans easily from the oatmeal. It is also very useful for turning dry beans into food with no soaking. I have also used it to make brown rice, to go with the aforementioned beans, and it works for us to have both reheatable in the refrigerator. I did use it at one point when I had no stove at all for a stir-fry dish, and it was **OK** and met the need but not so well I’d use it over available alternatives.

    4. cat socks*

      Same here. I find myself using my Dutch oven for stews and chili. And I have a huge oval slow cooker that I use for times I make a big pot roast. I make small batches of rice on the stove.

      I feel like I have to actively look for IP recipes and sometimes I’m just not motivated to do that.

      I’ve considered getting an air fryer, but I feel like tha could be a waste too.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I do love my air fryer. But I’m into frozen potato products (fries, tater tots), at which it excels. It’s also a great way to reheat meatloaf. I boiled some bratwurst for the weekend, and browned them in the air fryer, since I don’t have a grill. It does a great job with cooking frozen hamburger patties.

        But yeah, if you’re not into meat and potatoes, it’s probably not going to be a great fit.

    5. Nervous Nellie*

      I never bonded with my Instant Pot for many of the same reasons. I live alone & have a small kitchen. It took up too much space and produced meals too large for my small palate, fridge & freezer. And oh, boy I hated washing it. I gave it away and have gone back to my beloved crockpot.

    6. BRR*

      I appreciate mine but don’t love it like my toaster oven or stand mixer. I got it after my rice cooker had an accident and it was nice to replace my slow cooker and rice cooker with one appliance. I haven’t particularly enjoyed any of the savory dinner meals I’ve tried. They always just taste like plain meat. But I like it primarily for rice, hard boiled eggs, and risotto. It’s more an upgrade instead of a life changer

    7. Koala dreams*

      I’m surprised you don’t find it good for Asian food. Most people I’ve met who cook Asian food likes to use the instant pot for rice, soups and stews. I don’t cook that much Asian food so I haven’t bought one yet, but I’ve been tempted sometimes because I like soup.

      1. Instant Pot Regrets*

        I didn’t mention above that we already had a rice cooker, so when I got it I wasn’t planning on it replacing our rice cooker which I love.

        1. Koala dreams*

          Okay, yeah, it might be a bit much with a rice cooker and an instant pot, since their uses overlap.

    8. Parenthetically*

      This is EXACTLY why I don’t want one. I have a pressure canner that I use for preserving, and it doubles as a pressure cooker on the very rare occasions (maybe once a year? Or less?) when I want or need one. It does work a treat for beans, but honestly 99% of the time I can either plan ahead enough to soak and cook dry beans, or just use canned beans.

    9. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I bought one on a Black Friday sale and…meh. For the way we cook (just two of us, so not high volume) and eat, it wasn’t worth the space it took. I usually have time to cook (and am a good planner) and use the Crock-Pot frequently. I gave the instapot to a friend who has three kids with lots of food allergies who makes EVERYTHING from scratch and she loves it.

    10. Generic Name*

      Me too! I got one a few years ago, and I just don’t get it. I use it to cook rice and that’s basically it. What I really dislike about the recipes I’ve seen is it will say “takes 5 mins” but what they mean is it takes 20 mins plus to get up to pressure, then it cooks for 5 mins, and then it takes like 30 mins or whatever to release the pressure. Why can’t they be honest and say it takes 40 mins or whatever, start to finish. I have a friend who adores hers and when I ask what she makes in it, she says “everything”. When I press her for what everything means, she means soups and stews and other “wet” foods. I do a lot of sautéing and roasting, and I like crispy food. She is a stay at home mom for a large family, so it’s perfect for the big pots of whatever she normally cooks. I’ve learned it’s really not for me, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only person not in love with their instant pot.

      1. Cruciatus*

        I didn’t see your post before I added mine–but yup, some complaint about how much time it actually takes.

      2. Instant Pot Regrets*

        Yes! This was also how I felt! I think I didn’t do enough research. I heard the name “Instant Pot” and thought it might be a quicker way for me to cook, but with all the pressurizing time, cooking, and then releasing pressure it’s the same amount of time (or longer) for the types of food we cook although I do agree a lot of that time does not require my attention.

        We do make roasted chicken here occasionally which I think would be faster in the instant pot, but we also like the crispy skin so I haven’t tried it.

    11. Cruciatus*

      I don’t regret mine, but I don’t use it as much as I hoped and it’s *not* faster than just cooking a meal from scratch most of the time, but it does come in handy when I do want to use it. I felt cheated when I realized that “cooks for 3 minutes” means 10+ minutes for the pot to reach pressure, 3 minutes to cook, then still more time to release pressure, even if quick release. So you’re looking at actually 15-20 minutes, not 3. That’s partially my fault for not researching more, but they definitely don’t promote the time it takes to reach pressure, just the cooking time.

      As people noted, hard boiled (steam pressured?) eggs are just perfection in this thing. We had a roast that was still a little frozen, and while it still cooked for something like 75 minutes, it came out perfectly and we didn’t have to do a thing during that time.

      Everything I have made has been very good so I probably could utilize it better and discover how handy it truly can be but if it went missing I probably wouldn’t notice right away…but when I do use it it’s always been tasty and (mostly) easy.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I grew up in a house with pressure cookers and we did often use them for big roasts! We always had a deep freeze full of beef from a local rancher, and many was the time my mother got ready to leave for church and realized she’d forgotten to take out the roast for Sunday lunch the night before. Pressure cooker to the rescue!

      2. nonegiven*

        I just need to try my usual recipes in it instead of making the recipes I found on the internet. That’s what I did with my stew and it turned out good.

    12. Ranon*

      Folks I know who cook a lot of Indian like it for pot in pot cooking- they stack a whole mix of dishes in and cook them all in one go. Might be worth looking up if you’d like to experiment.

      The biggest feature for us is with a kiddo in the house the instant pot just takes so much less attention than the stove, and attention is in much shorter supply than time right now. And we eat lots of dried beans. Also use it a lot for rice, particularly medium grain brown that needs to soak, we can set the timer so that it soaks and cooks without us doing much.

    13. MinotJ*

      I rarely use mine, but it’s amazing. I’m mostly a vegetarian – the only meat I eat is a friend’s roosters and spent hens. Previously, I had to cook the birds for over a day to get meat that I could still barely get my teeth through. Now I can have edible chicken in two hours, and meat that I’m not embarrassed to feed other people.

      I also use it for beans and boiled eggs. I’ve made beans without it and if we hadn’t gotten an instant pot, I never would have cooked them at home again.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I grew up eating lots of rice and beans, and have always made them on the stove. You really gotta babysit them. I love making beans in an instant pot. Just set it and forget it!

    14. Jaid*

      Well, you can use it for hot pot if you can plug it in while it’s on your dining room table!

    15. Fellow Traveler*

      We do a lot of Indian food in our Instant Pot. Check out Urvashi Pitre’s website Twosleevers.com, and her fabulous cookbook. I also use my instant pot to make rice, yogurt, beans, and eggs.
      I agree, though, food is not as tasty as when I do them on the stovetop, but I like that I can preset the food to cook ahead of time and that i can set it and walk away. When I first got it, there was a lot of trial and error as I figured out what was worth making and what was not. Vegetables are often not worth it to me.

      1. Instant Pot Regrets*

        Oh cool, I will check her website out. I tried making a couple of Indian dishes in the Instant Pot but unfortunately they ended up being mushy. I’ll check out her website and see if I have better luck!

    16. Colette*

      I bought one in November and I rarely use it. Part of my issue is that i don’t usually get meat out of the freezer in time to fully thaw. I think I’m going to give it away.

      1. acmx*

        You can cook frozen meat in the instant pot!

        I still regret my purchase, though. I need to find good recipes. Some of the ones I tried, I didn’t like the texture/tenderness (or lack) of the meat.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Unless the frozen meat has plastic in it (like a full bird with organs in plastic in the center) – you know you can cook the meats from frozen in the instant pot, right? This is one of its primary benefits for me.

        We were always bad about buying fresh meat, or buying frozen and thawing it first, and then it managing to go bad before we could actually get to cooking it. Lately, we just buy bags of frozen chicken thighs or drumsticks and then we cook a few of them from frozen in the instant pot for each meal. The texture turns out perfect every time!

    17. Qwerty*

      I had a lot of trouble finding decent recipes when I first got mine so I was frustrated with it until I found decent recipes. Since you mention asian-influenced food, I’ve seen a lot of recipes that show how to cook both the rice and the meat at the same time which reduces the work and dishes to clean. One of the biggest draws of the instant pot for me is that I love slow cooker style meals, but don’t have time in the morning to set it all up so this lets me make it relatively quickly.

      Chungah Rhee has a great site called D@mn Delicious that you might like. Her recipes tend to be geared towards the working household so most items are relatively quick to make. There’s a section on Instant Pot and also an Asian Inspired section, so I’m guessing there will be overlaps.

      If you have the space to keep it around for the holidays, I also love having it during Thanksgiving/Christmas. If there’s a potluck, it does a great job transporting hot dishes and keeping things warm with the locking lid. I also bring it to the host’s house when we are cooking holiday meals as a extra stovetop for sauteing or a way to keep the mashed potatoes warm while trying to time out the meal to be ready at the same time.

      1. Instant Pot Regrets*

        Thanks! I’ll check out that website – sounds right up my alley.

        When I’ve tried cooking meat and rice together (for example a biriyani) I’ve had trouble with the rice being mushy because the meat takes longer to cook than the rice. Maybe I am doing something wrong?

    18. Bibliovore*

      I do love the Instantpot. For me it does save time in the sense that I do not have to stand at the stove.
      what I make-
      jammy eggs like the once for ramen.
      chicken stock.
      steel cut oatmeal.
      white beans and kale.
      really amazing moroccan chickpeas and kale.
      congee.

  97. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Has anyone tried giving themselves a haircut?

    My hair is pretty long (shoulder blades at least) but it’s also quite thin and it’s looking really straggly and unkempt. The moderate curl in it makes it look like a frizzy mess and it’s too long to scrunch up and curl properly. I had intended to get a haircut just before everything shut down and I keep pondering trying the various “ponytail” DIY haircut methods. I do have some proper hair scissors.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I’ve done the ponytail method and for my purposes, it works well. Its fast and easy and gets it done without looking horrible. But I wear my hair up most of the time to get it out of my face so most people never see it.

      If you’re used to expensive, fancy cuts then you probably don’t want to try it. If you’re mostly looking for a way to get rid of split ends and make it a little more manageable, go for it!

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I’m definitely not accustomed to fancy cuts! I usually go to a fairly cheap place and I’m super lazy about it, so I’m doing well if I go more than a couple of times a year. Hence why it’s looking so horribly long and unkempt…

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same – That’s the only way I’ve cut my hair in almost 20 years, but I’m never doing anything but a bare bones trim.

    2. Nicki Name*

      I haven’t tried yet, though I’m getting pretty shaggy and may have to soon.

      Mr. Name repurposed his beard trimmer to give himself a buzz cut a few days ago, though…

    3. Shell*

      Check out Brad Mondo on YouTube, he’s a hairstylist that posted an indepth tutorial maybe a month ago on cutting your own hair.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! this is what I used and it worked well. Not as professional as a nice salon but it did the job. I cut off about a foot of hair!

        1. Jaid*

          +2 to recommend Brad Mondo!

          Plus he always call his audience beautiful which is nice to hear sometimes, LOL.

    4. KoiFeeder*

      I cut my hair, but it wasn’t like it was going to make me look worse if I screwed it up, so I’m probably not the one to ask. I just grabbed a pair of scissors and hacked off what I wanted gone.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      I didn’t use the ponytail method, but used this YouTube video and it looks quite acceptable, though not brilliant. There are more videos on cutting curly hair and you might look for those as I’m not convince the ponytail method will be so great on curly hair.

    6. Miki*

      I’ve done it! It’s easier the longer your hair is. I actually prefer to section it off and cut the layers individually. It takes longer but gives you better control of how short your shortest layers will be (or you can just trim the ends if you don’t want layers). The ponytail technique creates layers automatically, but it’s really hard to tell how short they’ll be until they’re cut.

      Definitely get haircutting scissors for this though! You’ll make yourself crazy trying to use regular scissors, and it’s not good for your hair to cut it with blunt blades.

      1. Miki*

        Sorry, I somehow missed your last sentence saying you have haircutting scissors. One other thing to add is to be prepared for it to take longer than you expect it to, and way longer than the youtube videos make it seem. Take your time and it’ll come out just fine. :)

    7. Sunset Maple*

      Don’t want to hang up a link in mod, but search for “Good Housekeeping How to Cut Your Own Hair at Home Like a Pro” for the article. There are multiple YouTube videos throughout for different textures and lengths of hair.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Yep, I did it, twice. I did the “unicorn” ponytail method first and it was fine! You have to be REALLY diligent about making sure nothing gets twisted as you brush the hair into the ponytail (you don’t want the hair from the back of your head twisted around with the side layers or it’ll be too short), and you definitely have to be looking for LOTS of layers, but I was surprised at how professional it looked. I ended up doing another method after that because I wanted to cut more off, but the unicorn method worked surprisingly well.

    9. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I chickened out for now. I tried to get all the hair ties in for the Mondo version but I wasn’t sure if it was all straight in the back so I abandoned the attempt. Maybe next week?

    10. rear mech*

      I have given people the “pony tail cut” and it looked a bit off when it was down. Granted, both of them had thick mostly straight hair which needs to be cut really precisely to look good. I think curly/wavy hair is more forgiving. Even if it doesn’t look perfect, any kind of trim with nice sharp hair scissors sounds like a good idea because you’ll remove the split ends and everything will look and feel healthier and less straggly.
      If you end up not cutting it: I have hair just like yours and a loose chignon type bun is the most flattering hairstyle I have discovered, and as a bonus, any split ends are completely tucked up out of sight.

    11. Chaordic One*

      Although, this won’t apply to most of the readers here, I’ve seen lots and lots of men who’ve been shaving their heads.

  98. Washi*

    Rant/maybe the smart folks of AAM have some advice on this…

    I live in an apartment building with a trash room on each floor. It contains a trash chute and two recycling bins, all of which are clearly labelled. For several months now, someone has been leaving what is clearly trash in the recycling bins or sometimes just on the floor. I assume it’s the same person, since it’s always in those small plastic bags from stores, and it is definitely trash- I can see food scraps and even diapers in it. As a result, our trash room always smells DISGUSTING and I’m worried about it attracting pests (our apartment is 2 doors down from the trash room).

    Is it possible to discourage this behavior? I’ve reported it to management, but it’s not like they know who it is either. Everything is already labeled and the trash chute is right there….ughhhh. Any advice?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      It would be up to management but they could put a camera in as it’s a public area. In my opinion, that’s likely the only option – a scolds sign would be ineffective.

      1. nep*

        (Camera and a clear sign saying people not disposing of their trash and recyclables properly will be fined…Of course, as Cheesesteak says, only if management thinks it’s worth it to invest like that.)

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      It may not be effective, but definitely worth a shot just writing a note saying you’re noticing this is happening and telling them not to do it. Some people have no shame, but they may not honestly know how horrible effect this is happening.

      1. Jdc*

        Based on my experience I wouldn’t expect much. I had the same setup and people wouldn’t even put their trash in the chute. It would pile up to the point of not even being able to open the door. People suck.

    4. Selmarie*

      Would you feel comfortable dropping a note off to each apartment on your floor? And maybe phrase it as a cooperative endeavor, as opposed to accusational.

      I lived in a building that had a trash chute near my apartment and it was awful. People threw down unbagged garbage, broken/ripped bags, etc. and not surprisingly we had roaches. (Having horrible flashbacks now) I did come to understand that when you live in apartment building with a diverse population, not everyone believes, behaves, or cares the same, and with an issue like trash disposal, you can end up with problems that affect everyone. Even if just one resident on one floor doesn’t make the effort to dispose of their trash so it makes it down to the bottom intact, the whole building can suffer.

      Your situation is a bit different, as you can reasonably assume it’s someone on your floor not following the protocol. Maybe your note could include an attachment from your local recycler showing what is recyclable, and in what condition?

      I wouldn’t do it anonymously, though I can see the appeal of that — it might make someone more defensive and less likely to cooperate. If that doesn’t work, I’d be on board with the cameras!

      2. Washi*

        Interesting idea! This is one I had not thought of before. I don’t have a printer at home so it would definitely be handwritten style/no pictures, but this might be higher impact than posting a notice in a room that already has labels.

        To WellRed’s question, there’s maybe 30 apartments on the floor? I don’t know how many kids in diapers but my next door neighbors, with whom we have had ongoing disputes about thumping bass, do have a kid in diapers so I’m hoping it’s not them, but also kind of suspicious because they are definitely inconsiderate enough to be doing this…

    5. OhBehave*

      Maybe there’s a piece of mail in the bag. Return it to their doorstep with a note.
      People dump bags of garbage in the country all the time. Our police look through it and pay a visit.

      1. nonegiven*

        The sheriffs here need three items with a name or address to fine someone for dumping in the country.

    6. Nacho*

      Try a passive aggressive note. Something like “trash goes in here, not on the floor.”

  99. Teapot Translator*

    I bought two self-watering planters for my balcony. I know nothing about plants and flowers. Normally, I’d go to a nursery and ask advice, but I want to limit my contact with people because of the pandemic. I want to have an idea of what I’ll buy once there.
    So, can anyone suggest a good site which would help me figure out which plants I can buy? The nursery’s website is no good.
    These are wide planters. I’d like to put a plant in the middle that will grow tall, then surround it with other flowers are will be shorter or which will fall off the side. My balcony faces east and there’s nearly always a breeze (hence the self-watering planters to give my flowers a chance). Thanks everyone!

    1. Grace*

      The RHS site (Royal Horticultural Society) has an entire section with advice for beginners, including container design guidance. It’s obviously designed for British gardeners – in a temperate maritime climate – so some of the advice on what plants to choose might not be relevant to you, but I’ve found it helpful.

    2. Reba*

      My favorite gardening inspiration site for is Gardenia, although there’s not a lot there that’s specifically geared to containers (as opposed to yards)
      https://www.gardenia.net/plant-combinations

      I also bookmarked these container recipes when I was doing research:
      https://www.apieceofrainbow.com/container-garden-planting-designs/
      https://www.gardenersworld.com/plants/best-summer-containers/

      Your idea of tall + bunching or trailing is right on. Really, just make sure you pick plants that have the same sun and moisture requirements, so they can live harmoniously in the same container. You will be looking for plants that want part shade.

      What about some decorative alliums for the height and sweet alyssum or petunias (classic cascading plant) for bunchy? Or a butterfly bush? There are also lots of colorful foliage options, coleus, dusty miller etc.

      Hope you have fun!

    3. Ranon*

      If you’re in the US your county’s ag extension office should have good local advice, and/ or your county’s master gardener program.

      The nursery might also take phone calls, I’ve found that a lot of small businesses are trying to be accessible by phone/ email/ Facebook to make up for the lack of in person help.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Not in the US. :( I’ll see if nurseries give advice by phone call. Thanks!

        1. pancakes*

          You’re welcome! I was going to add that the Pistils Nursery blog has good plant care advice, hopefully not too US-specific.

    5. mreasy*

      You can also try calling the nursery department, as they’ll be able to advise on what plants they have in stock will work for your needs. A bit old-fashioned but specifically for plants I find it works best for me.

  100. DarthVelma*

    I’m seeing a gaming thread – so I’ll start it.

    It’s been mostly Magic the Gathering so far this weekend. On Friday night we were going to do board games, but got wrapped up in an episode of Dies to Removal on Youtube and then did a little bit of card organizing. Saturday was more organization and then lots and lots of Commander. We played a couple of the new precon decks, then pulled out every Commander deck we own and let the dice decide. Ended up playing four more, increasingly inebriated, games.

    The fun part with the random deck selection was watching my partner play my Dinosaur tribal deck. It brought home to me exactly what’s still missing from that deck in a way playing it myself hadn’t. So we’ve been polishing it today. Probably going to play test it later on this evening. I also got to play his Scarecrow deck and seeing how it works I have some ideas for how to deal with its absolutely vile commander.

    As an aside, I discovered a new drink last night as well. I love pretty much anything mixed with a good ginger beer – vodka, rum, cinnamon whiskey – last night I mixed it with spiced rum and a little Drambuie. Holy shit was it good.

    2. Jackalope*

      I accidentally discovered ginger beer and cherry juice (I was getting some cherry juice out of the fridge and knocked a bottle of ginger beer out by accident. Lid cracked and so I figured I might as well mix the two. Very happy error!). Would 10/10 recommend!

      I am replaying an old Final Fantasy game (Final Fantasy 4). I never got to finish it back in the day and hope to correct that this weekend.

      1. Bluebell*

        Ginger beer and bourbon with a splash or two of cherry juice is a fantastic cocktail.

  101. Penguin*

    Can anyone recommend a good brand and retailer for nail polish thinner?

    I’m specifically asking about something you add to older, thickened polish so it flows well and is usable again (that isn’t acetone). Few stores seem to carry anything (my searching has only found a couple niche sellers online) and the reviews on Amazon and Walmart seem to have both 5 and 1 star reviews for the same products; nothing looks reliable.

    Any suggestions?

    1. Reba*

      I have the Seche Restore, which I got at a beauty supply store. I use a teeny eye dropper to add it to the polish bottle. The ingredients are butyl acetate, tolulene, isopropyl alcohol. It definitely doesn’t get to “good as new,” but I’m happy with “more or less usable again.” I’m guessing the reviews have to do with setting expectations.

    2. NeverNicky*

      I use Seche Restore. You will need to use it again, as the polish still thickens over time so it’s not a one off solution but it does help.

    3. Jdc*

      They really just degrade the polish so it can kind of work but isn’t actually a solution. Once it’s bad it’s done.

  102. Might Be Spam*

    I’m an introvert, also. I found that I prefer being in the background helping people get connected. I’ve been helping people in my dance group get on Skype and sending update emails to the rest of the group.

    I’m not sure if I’m going insane or not. My emails to the group are either becoming more whimsical or more deranged, I can’t tell. But more people are coming to our online sessions to talk. We aren’t dancing, even though we are a dance group. Our one hour sessions are now lasting up to three hours. We’re finding things that use to be boring are now endlessly fascinating.

    I also found some free Zoom groups so I can actually dance and do Tai Chi with someone else. It’s much more motivating to know someone else is doing it at the same time. They’ve been welcoming and I may actually travel to meet these groups someday.

    1. misspiggy*

      I’m a similar ‘facilitating’ type of introvert and am experiencing something very similar. It’s quite nice I think. Perhaps not having the stress of being in the same space as people helps us dish out more sparkling wit and repartee.

  103. desiree*

    I love the cat pics. the cat pictured this week looks almost exactly like my cat Virginia Meow (who died 6 weeks ago). She would stretch out on my chest like that and put her paw on my face. I miss her so much.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      I’m sorry your Virginia Meow passed away. They may be small but they can leave a big hole in our hearts.

    3. StudentA*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a wonderful kitty. Hugs if you want them.

  105. Leftover Clementines (Not A Manager)*

    I stockpiled/hoarded a big bag of Costco clementines oh, a long long time ago. They’ve been in my fridge since then and I’ve eaten a few, but clearly I’m not going to finish them all. They’re in good shape except probably drying out a bit. I’m not interested in juicing them.

    I don’t really want to use them as an ingredient in a Thing, like “clementine cake.” I just want to apply some kind of heat/cold/process to them so they can be used in other applications, if that makes sense. For a lot of elderly fruit I either cook it up (like apples into applesauce or blueberries into a jammy compote), or I freeze them raw (like bananas and pineapple). I’m not sure what to do with leftover citrus fruit, though.

    2. BRR*

      It looks like you can peel And quarter them and then freeze. It looks like they won’t taste as good after. You could Slice and dehydrate them if you have something for that method (knowing it’s rather uncommon). Could also do a marmalade.

  106. Making Friends in Isolation*

    Has anyone had success making new friends during quarantine? Any tips or recommendations on good ways to do that? I usually connect with people via in-person interactions so I’m really lost here and feel weird even posting on a forum like this.

    I moved to a new city a few months ago. I didn’t put much effort into making friends at first because it was winter, work was exhausting, and what little social life I had was spent with family who live nearby. There is so much to do in this city during spring and summer that I figured I would restart my social life in March, which is right when the pandemic shut everything down.

    On top of all that, I just went through a break up, so I really need more human contact. My friends live across the country and all have kids so they are too busy/tired to talk. Usually I process break ups and/or new cities by getting super social and trying new Meetups and events, which is out of the question at the moment. Most of the virtual Meetup events I’m finding are all professional related but my whole life is work right now so I really don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy any of those. I need some light hearted fun and conversation – how does one make a human connection when trapped inside? Due to some risk factors, it is going to be a long time before it is safe for me to meet up with strangers in person.

    I normally enjoy my solitude, but after months of no socializing besides family phone calls I’m getting a bit bored with myself. I’d love to focus on someone else for a bit.

    1. Anon5775*

      Glamour magazine’s website just did an article about “18 things to do if you’re feeling lonely and isolated”. Maybe you can find something there? Ideas include getting a global pen pal, something called Love Touchpoint and a service called Quarantine Together. Good luck!

    2. Filosofickle*

      Meetup may not be completely out. A local social meetup I’ve been a member of is having virtual cocktail/tea times twice a week. My other group isn’t doing happy hours, but is still holding book club on zoom. I don’t know how common this is, but worth checking to see if there’s a local meetup group that is hosting online events!

  107. Reducing debt*

    Kind of a late question but has anyone tried tally or other services that serve to help you pay down credit card debt? From what I have seen in ads, they combine CC debt into one monthly payment. Are there any drawbacks to it or would it negatively affect your credit?

    1. Jdc*

      It does negatively affect your credit but not as much as missing payments and only temporarily. That’s my limited knowledge but if you speak to a debt consolidation company they’d explain the exact impact.

      1. Jdc*

        Also they negotiate with your creditors to power your rates or settle the debt which most CC companies won’t do unless you kiss payments. So that will at least temporarily impact it.

    2. WellRed*

      I haven’t used one of those services. What I did do was get a debt consolidation loan through a credit union. It rolled everything into one much lower monthly payment at a much lower interest rate.

  108. PhyllisB*

    My husband retired this week. He was going to work one more year, but he had a pacemaker put in back in April and it got him to thinking about his mortality, so he went ahead and did it. Plus he’s nearly 71 so I guess it’s time.
    Won’t be a whole lot of difference because I’m still working, but when he’s not working he NEVER leaves the house. I take one weekday off every week and was used to having the house to myself that day. Now I won’t even have that. Oh well, I knew it was coming eventually.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      When I had just entered the workforce, one of my coworkers was in the same position. When everyone asked her how she was doing with it, she said “It’s twice the husband, and half the money.”

    1. Chaordic One*

      Short term it will lead to fewer existing houses being offered for sale. Who wants to have potentially infected lookie-loos traipsing through their house? If you don’t have to sell, you’ll probably postpone doing so.

      On the other hand, with so many people losing their jobs, a lot of potential home buyers are going to be dropping out of the market for the next year to 3 years down the road, which should keep home prices from rising, and it might possibly lead to their going down a bit. And of course, there’ll continue to be an ever-increasing number of vacant commercial buildings, both retail and office, so I would expect that if you needed to rent an office or storefront, you should be able to get a deal.

      It is disturbing that we (in the U.S. anyway) have an affording housing crisis on the one hand, and a ridiculously large amount of vacant commercial real estate.

    2. Chaordic One*

      The rents charged for houses and apartments will probably continue to rise above the rate of inflation.

  110. Blueberry*

    Since it has often been discussed here and elsewhere whether it’s economically worthwhile to have undertaken efforts to ‘flatten the curve’, there’s a Washington Post article about it. The URL came out kind of long and ugly, so here’s a quotation to look up.

    Economists at the University of Wyoming estimated the economic benefits from lives saved by efforts to “flatten the curve” outweighed the projected massive hit to the nation’s economy by a staggering $5.2 trillion.

  111. honoria*

    OyHiOh, how are you doing? It’s been awhile since you updated on the Free-for-All, and we’d love to hear from you!

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