weekend free-for-all – May 9-10, 2020

by Alison Green on May 9, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Pretty Things, by Janelle Brown. I’m now working my way through all her books. This one is about an influencer and a thief, their history together, and what happens when their paths cross again. It has revenge and dark plans and twists, and it will make you sympathize with people you don’t expect to sympathize with.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Skeeder Jones*

    About a month ago, I had posted about lingering anxiety from a car fire combined with pandemic. I’ve attacked it from multiple angles including medication, mental health apps, reaching out to friends and family and therapy. I was describing some of the anxiety and how it started after 2 good things happened and my therapist said to think about it more like a glitch in the software and that has helped too. But the best thing is that I have a new (fur) co-worker and roommate in the form of the mellowest cat alive named Zig-Zag. I appreciate the support I received when I posted and even the blog in general as a distraction sometimes.

    2. nep*

      Glad you are finding some relief. Yay for the Zig-Zags in our lives. All the best to you. Peace

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Reaching out is so hard, yet in the end it’s just what is needed. Good for you for facing this head on. And that’s very cool about your new little bud, Zig-Zag. Love the name.

    4. gsa*

      Zig-Zag is an awesome cat name.

      For those that don’t know, Zig-Zag is also a brand of “rolling papers”.

      For tobacco only, wink wink nudge nudge know I mean… :D

    6. Vic tower*

      Great news, so good to hear that things are looking up for you. Multi-faceted response needed in times of major challenge!

  2. US Healthcare*

    I’m watching New Amsterdam, which is pretty awful and a whole other post, lol, but wanted to know:

    – Are public hospitals common in the US?
    – Is it free to be treated there?
    – If so, why don’t people just use those hospitals to be treated instead of using insurance?
    – What do people do if their insurance pays for initial treatment but not expensive follow-up drugs?

    No politics please.
    Thanks!
    Princess Deviant

    1. Turquoisecow*

      There are public hospitals which won’t refuse to treat you if you can’t pay. But they’re not free.

      As to your last question, they go into debt or they get sicker.

      2. Alice*

        They aren’t allowed to refuse to provide treatment that will be life-saving in the short term. But they don’t have to provide, say, outpatient cancer treatment if they think you can’t pay for it.

    2. HBJ*

      It may vary by area, but, I’d say they’re pretty common. No, they’re not free. However, they will not turn you away if you can’t pay. Some (particularly community clinics) offer some sort of sliding fee scale where how much you pay is reduced if you’re low income. You may be able to look these up as some places have them published on their websites.

      1. RM*

        these are usually very limited in terms of the services they offer, with long wait times. source: bff has used one of these clinics and ER as their sole health care for years

    3. Fikly*

      In the US, there is a law that essentially says that care cannot be denied to anyone in an emergency, ie, when they come into an emeregency room, they have to be treated, regardless of ability to pay. (Relatedly, there is a law that says that insurance companies have to cover care in any emergency room, regardless of whether or not that emergency room is in their network.)

      Public verus private hospitals in the US really doesn’t mean the same thing it does in most other countries, where a public hospital would be government funded and people can get health care there from whatever insurance the government provides, essentially, whereas a private hospital is paid for out of pocket or by private insurance.

      In the US, public hospitals are indeed funded by the government, to an extent, but they are really supposed to be self-sustaining in that patients who receive care are supposed to pay for it. But these hospitals aren’t looking to make a profit (unlike private hospitals).

      Outside of emergency, life-saving care, you can sometimes get care at a public hospital without an ability to pay for it. Often this is evaluated on a case by case basis, and it’s not easy to get. This is very difficult to get anywhere outside of a public hospital, which has led to the problem of people with no money or insurance going to public hospitals (and ERs in general) for non-emergency care that really isn’t something hospitals should be dealing with, due to their inability to get care elsewhere.

      For example, someone gets a laceration, goes to the ER, and gets stitches, all appropriate. However, they don’t have anywhere else to get the stitches taken out when it’s time, so they come back to the ER for that. It’s so much more expensive to have your stitches taken out at an ER, not just in the bill, but in terms of resources used, plus public hospital ERs are crowded, and that’s taking a spot and delaying care for someone else. And the person getting the stitches out is potentially spending hours at the ER waiting for this (and missing out on work, etc) rather than having a quick 15 minute appointment.

      In general, in the US, people who cannot afford medical care get sicker and die. If you have savings for retirement, and they are enough to pay for what you need, you may be “lucky” enough to go bankrupt and live. I know people who have literally begged their jobs for a pay cut so as to qualify for government funded health insurance.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And be aware that ‘coverage’ at an out-of-network ER may be such a low percentage with such a high deductible that the remainder can still bankrupt families.
        There really is no way to have this conversation WITHOUT the spectre of politics.

      2. Rebecca*

        Here’s an example of a real life laceration and trip to the ER (mine) from 2018. I lacerated my index finger, and after I got the ring off that finger and washed away the blood, discovered it was a deep gash and it was apparent I needed stitches as it was bleeding – a lot. My first thought was, where are my insurance cards? Crap, they’re at home in my other purse (I was at Mom’s when this happened). Second thought – is the hospital 6 miles away a participating hospital, I think they are – yes, pretty sure since I had a test done there and it was covered. Was this under my current insurance plan or the old one? Ugh, don’t know, this hurts, my finger is bleeding through the towel and I have to go.

        So, I drove myself to the hospital with my hand elevated and wrapped in a towel, called a friend to fetch my cards, walked into the ER, explained yes, I have insurance, no I don’t have my cards with me but a friend is bringing them and will bring them to the desk, and they asked if I was right handed or left handed, because we needed to sign paperwork. I’m right handed, right index finger was injured, so they at least waived that until after I was done.

        So, 6 stitches later, I wrote a check for $150.00 (my ER copay through my insurance), signed all the paperwork, gave them my insurance cards, and was grateful that’s all it cost. The total bill at the ER was $1,644.00. I was supposed to go back a week later for the doctor to take the stitches out, or make an appointment with my primary care physician’s office to have it done, but I took them out myself instead so I didn’t have another copay or a half day of work waiting to have it done.

        And yes, you have to be concerned whether the hospital or doctor or whoever is “in network” or a majority of the cost can be pushed back to you, even if you have insurance. And for reference, I’m very fortunate that even as crappy as my job can be, I have “Cadillac” coverage. That’s why I put up with crap at my job. And I suspect many other people do, too. I really wish we could sever the employer-health insurance link here in the US.

        1. Misty*

          My main problem with employer health insurance is that it’s not stable at all. Like you switch jobs, you have to figure out a new insurance. Or if you get offered a better job and it has worse insurance, you have to figure out if it’s worth taking the better job (it’s likely not worth it if the insurance is worse).

          But the very very worst part of insurance being linked to employment is it always feels like to me that the people who need insurance the most are the ones who are least likely to be able to get a job that gives you really good insurance, you know? Like if you have some sort of medical issue and can only work part time, a lot of part time jobs don’t offer insurance.

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            And don’t forget, when switching jobs, you may find your dream employer offers you insurance that your doctor or medical center does not accept. Then you have to switch doctors too. This has happened to me twice.

            1. Wired Wolf*

              My work insurance is accepted by every department at my health center -except- vision…my vision and dental insurance are through the same carrier, so figure that one out.

              Right now I only need an eye exam every two years and already had one scheduled, so the cost is acceptable. My exam got pushed out to July but it was already scheduled before this and I have a good relationship with the eye doc; if I moved to a different provider I’d wait even longer for an appointment as they’re all closed now.

          2. Natalie*

            Yes, the process to add someone is so annoying, even when it should be a given. I had 30 days to add my daughter after she was born, but I needed to wait to receive her SSN, which took about 3 weeks. 2 weeks after the birth I got a letter from my insurer that they had received a claim for her and they were just reminding me I needed to add her to my policy for that claim to be covered. I’m a paperwork person and even I found it obnoxious to have to keep this bureaucracy top of mind immediately postpartum, lest we owe a bunch of money for a person the insurance company knows exists because they already paid for her damn birth.

          3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            Also, even if you don’t change jobs your employer can change insurance carriers or plan offerings, which may cause you to have to switch doctors or suddenly have something that used to be covered not covered anymore. It can just change each year, and you have no recourse but to switch jobs (or get an individual plan through the health insurance marketplace).

        2. Line*

          This is so wild. I got a laceration on my hand at work (I accidentally broke a glass), and bled so much I definetly required stitches. I got someone to drive me, and because I called ahead I hardly had to wait when I got to the ER. They numbed my hand and put in the stitch, and then I went to my primary care physician about a week later to get the stitches taken out. I think I paid under $30 for each visit, and my country also has a law that you can only pay so much for health care in the course of one year (this includes all co-pays for doctors visits, medications, hospital visits, tests etc.). If you pay more than $240 for health care in the course of a year you don’t pay anything the rest of the year. $240 sounds like a lot of money, but with a $15/hour minimum wage it isn’t that high.

          1. Misty*

            I paid over 3000$ for my health care copays last year (so that’s not including what they took out of my paychecks just to have health insurance) as I saw my primary care doctor twice that year, a therapist once a week, and a psychiatrist once a month. I also had to go to the ER twice and one of the times involved an ambulance which was expensive. I don’t think I’ve ever paid less than a few thousand a year!

          2. ThatGirl*

            Haha $240 is nothing, lots of US insurance plans have out of pocket maximums for the year (where everything’s covered after that) but it’s generally at least $1500, often more like $3 to $5,000.

            1. LQ*

              Yeah my absurdly good plan is $1000 which people have taken very substantial paycuts to work here exclusively because they’ll be better if they have health concerns.

              1. Fikly*

                My plan is super good, has no deductible, and my out of pocket in-network max is 4k, plus out of network max of 5k.

                But I get MRIs for $50 a pop, and I’ve already had 5 this year, so…

          3. pancakes*

            I pay a little over $1,100 per month for my insurance and on the several occasions I’ve had surgery in recent years (lumpectomies for breast cancer, and a broken wrist) the copay has been $500, to be paid the morning of surgery. My insurance does not cover compression garments for the lymphedema I developed as a result of breast cancer treatment, and for me those are around $150 each time, and need to be replaced every few months. I don’t have the words to express how dispiriting it is that in the US we have to fight even to keep this wretched status quo — even now the president is trying to have the Affordable Care Act repealed, which would leave people with pre-existing conditions like mine unable to afford coverage at all. It is so dispiriting that this hasn’t radicalized more people.

        3. Max Kitty*

          One of the first things I did when COVID got serious here in the U.S. was to write down, somewhere accessible to both me and my husband, the name, address, and phone number of the six closest hospitals that are covered by our insurance. I didn’t want one of us to wake up, suddenly unable to breathe, and have the other trying to figure out where to go. (It’s a measure of our health care system that in making these plans, I’m thinking we’re not going to call for an ambulance if we can possibly avoid it.)

        4. Alexandra Lynch*

          And sometimes the hospitals only give the minimum of emergency care.

          When my ex, then my husband, stepped on a pine cone on his way out the door to work and broke his lower leg, we went to the hospital, and they put a splint on him, gave him an ice pack…and the address of the large orthopedic practice which will not treat you unless you pay them. So if we hadn’t been able to raise $500 overnight, we could not have gotten his leg properly set to heal correctly.

          When I left him, $500 was about a third of our disability benefit.

        5. Senior Montoya*

          I had a bad laceration on my hand — sliced the top of my finger off using a mandolin. Insurance to cover wherever I went, however I know that the ER is a larger copay so we went to an urgent care, where the copay about 10% of the ER, and it would be faster too because there would likely be lots more people in more serious medical trouble than I was.

          But that’s because I have insurance. If I didn’t have insurance, I would have to go to the ER if I wanted to be sure I’d get care.

          I like my job. But it doesn’t pay as well as I could make elsewhere, and having had a child with a very serious and expensive and multi year illness, I just can’t leave the insurance. I mean, our portion of the charges were thousands of dollars and we felt LUCKY. The children’s hospital had employees whose sole job was to help families figure out how to pay for their child’s care, how to get SNAP (WIC at that time), and so one.

          Number one cause of personal bankruptcy in the US is medical care.

          In a pandemic where businesses must close and the unemployed lose their health insurance just when they need it most…well, hard not to see the politics of that.

      3. KoiFeeder*

        While that law is in place, the problem with the US is that if you can’t afford to defend your rights… You functionally don’t have them. There’s always stories about hospitals throwing out people or refusing to diagnose/treat people based on the perception that those people can’t or won’t pay.

      4. Koala dreams*

        Where do charity hospitals fit in the picture? Is it a type of hospital, or is it just the name for hospitals that are owned by charities?

        1. fhwdgads*

          I apologize in advance if I’m off-base here, but I’ve gotten the impression that some other countries tend to use “charity” and “non-profit” synonymously in a way the US usually doesn’t. Do you mean non-profit hospitals? Or do you really mean charity hospitals? I’m asking because while I’m sure there are some hospitals run by charities or which themselves function as charities (St. Jude comes to mind), I don’t think the term “charity hospital” is very common here.

          2. Sc@rlettNZ*

            I’m in New Zealand and while the term non-profit is slowly creeping into our vernacular, it’s not commonly used. We refer to organisations that survive on fundraising and donations to cover their operating costs as a charity. Pretty much anyone can set themselves up as a charity but if you wish to become a registered charity (which then allows folk who donate to you to claim a percentage of that donation back from the IRD, then there are certain reporting requirements which must be fulfilled).

            I’m trying to think of organisations which would be commonplace in both countries – perhaps the Red Cross would be an example? We would refer to them as a charity whereas I suspect it would be called a non-profit in the US.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              All charities are non-profits but all non-profits are charities. For example, the American Museum of Natural History is a non-profit, but it’d be unusual for it to be referred to as a charity in the US. Whereas, Habitat for Humanity is a charity (and a non-profit and could be referred to as either but would mostly get referred to as the first).

              1. RagingADHD*

                Yes, in the US “charity” usually implies that the organization exists to provide some kind of direct assistance to people in need (homeless shelter, cancer research, food pantry, suicide-prevention hotline).

                Whereas “nonprofit” implies that the org is for general community enrichment (museum, orchestra, community garden, house of worship, university.)

                Some nonprofits can also do political advocacy. They have a different tax code than charitable/community nonprofits, which may be where the different terms originated.

                1. Koala dreams*

                  Thanks to all of you for your examples of the difference between charity and non-profit. I think maybe I read about non-profit hospitals and misunderstood.

        2. Nonprofiteer*

          It is a complex system. We have government hospitals, nonprofit, and for profit. As others said, government facilities are supposed to be a safety net for those who can’t afford insurance. They also have the trauma centers where you go for car accidents or gun injuries (we have a lot). For profits of course hew to the more profitable procedures like cancer care (capitalism!) but can be the main hospital for a lot of communities. Nonprofits do a wide range of things and are expected to do a minimum of free “charity” cases. Because it’s the U.S., all three types are very likely to need and do fundraising. But the hospitals whose patients have private insurance get to bill more than those with “government pay” coverage, and are vastly privileged. In big cities those are the ones that look like modern art museums.

          2. Upstater-ish*

            Non-profit hospitals in the US are often run by religious groups mostly Catholic. Non-profit really means they are not taxed. The problem with these hospitals are they need to abide by Catholic teachings so reproductive rights and and end of life care are often an issue.

            1. TL -*

              Not necessarily. Most of the USA hospitals that are ranked best in the nation/world are academic non-profits.

    4. MistOrMister*

      Pretty much everywhere you go you have to give your insurance info when seeking treatment. Unfortunately. So there’s no way to get treatment anywhere without using your insurance, if you have it. Not unless you have an elaborate set up with fake identities and such.

      And, yeah….if your insurance pays for part of your treatment but not the rest, people either go into crippling debt, or they don’t get treatment and they stay sick. I think there was a story in the past few years about a homeless man who won the lottery and was dead within a year b/c he could finaly afford to go to the doctor and they found cancer that had spread and which likely would have been treatable if he had had access to regular medical care.

      Also, insurance does not just automatically pay for initial issues. I had surgery and was told it would cost me something like $400 paid in advance before I went in. Then when I came out I got walloped with a bill for $1,000 from the hospital and $5,0000 from the doctor. The 1k bill was DOWN from something like 20k, part of which insurance had paid. And the 5k was b/c the insurance company completely refused the doctor’s entire bill. Usually the doctor submits their bill to the insurance company, who then negotiates with them and usually pays some of it and then the rest of the cost gets passed on to the patient. It is a very frustrating system. You never know what you might get billed and hoo boy do those bills just keep rolling in. We also can be billed by multiple doctors for the same procedure! It is not uncommon to get a bill from a surgeon, anesthesiologist and the hospital/medical facility all for a single procedure. Politics aside, it is a crappy set up. If you have money, you do what you want. But for anything other than routine preventive care, a lot of people have to ponder if they can afford to go in for medical help because one hospital visit can very easily ruin a person financially.

      1. Aza*

        Yep. I work with people from other countries, and it’s hard to understand that you don’t know how much something will cost in advance, prior to treatment. I just them that healthcare in the US always cost money. Insurance makes it cheaper, but it almost always still costs money.

        And if it’s not an emergency I recommend that they contact their insurance company to ask which doctor or hospital to go to, since different insurance companies have different doctors and hospitals in their network.

        1. KaciHall*

          Don’t forget, your insurance company doesn’t always have the most up to date information available to the people answering the phone! So you can call your insurance, get the name and address of the closest, cheapest doctor covered by your insurance, go to him the same day, and find out he’s not in network when you get the bill a month later.

      2. Turquoisecow*

        Yeah a few years ago I got sick and went to my nearest hospital. After I recovered I got a letter from my insurance saying the hospital wasn’t in network. Many of the doctors were, but not the insurance itself.

        Thankfully they covered it at the out of network rate, so I owed $2,000 instead of $20,000, but that was still a decent amount of money and did not come close to being the only medical care I received that year.

        2. MistOrMister*

          I have been fortunate in that the hospital near me and the docotors I choose to use are all in network. But I still get random, sometimes whopping big bills if I need anything other than routine treatment. It’s amazing what will and won’t be covered. A diasnostic colonoscopy was almost completely covered, even though I’m in my 30s. Surgery for multiple cyst removal that was wreaking havoc on my insides, not covered as well. It was crazy. And my flu shot was not covered through urgent care. I received a bill later saying the insurance company denied the claim as it wasn’t necessary. Said insurance company then sent me 5 letters and called me 10 times telling me to be safe and get a flu shot!!! But then when I got the flu, they covered that doctor visit. There is just no rhyme or reason to any of it!!!

      3. Emma*

        If they negotiate, doesn’t that take up a huge amount of the drs (or their employees’) time?

        GPs here are so pushed for time that you’re lucky if you can get one to run you off a letter, I can’t imagine them having to negotiate payment for every treatment or assessment!

        1. That'll happen*

          Doctors do not handle billing. Depending on the size, for any practice larger than a few doctors, there is a dedicated biller/billing department. These are the people whose job it is to get payments from insurance companies and patients. It is better for practices to get some money out of patients rather than selling the debt to a collections company for pennies on the dollar, so they will often work with patients to either give them a discount or set up a payment plan.

      4. Elizabeth West*

        But for anything other than routine preventive care, a lot of people have to ponder if they can afford to go in for medical help because one hospital visit can very easily ruin a person financially.

        This, plus everything else. When my cat bit me as she was dying, I was extremely grateful I had insurance because I ended up with a massive, fast-spreading infection and landed in the hospital on IV antibiotics for two days.

        The bills are another issue; they don’t really tell you how much things cost. You get an insurance notice for the claim, then a bill for what it doesn’t cover. And you get this for each person who saw you and each service separately. It’s very confusing. I ended up only paying $900 out of pocket, but I have no idea what it cost altogether, and I don’t want to know. If I had to guess, I’d put it somewhere in the ballpark of $15-20K for two ER visits, the two nights, and all the medication/care.

        The only thing that was free: the ambulance transport from the little hospital where I went initially to their big facility on the other side of town (they wouldn’t let me drive).

    5. Mary Connell*

      Yes, there are public hospitals in the US. As the comments here are demonstrating, not many people know what they are and tend to confuse them with other parts of the health care system in the US. The article in Wikipedia (Public Hospital > United States) isn’t great, but it does cover some of the basics. New York City, for example, has a public hospital system. Some counties have them. It’s a complicated system and many of them have closed over the last few decades.

    6. Oxford Comma*

      1. We have a couple in my area. Not sure how prevalent they are elsewhere in the country.
      2. No.
      3. There are people who go to the emergency room for treatment of complaints that are not truly emergencies, but it’s never going to be well received and it’s never going to be as effective as going to an actual doctor. Clinics with sliding scales do exist. How good the care is and how affordable the care is varies.
      4. Depends. Some people will halve medication (on their own). Seniors do that a lot. Some will not be able to afford the medication at all and they will get sicker and/or die. Some go into horrific debt. There are some programs where you can get cheaper medications, but again it varies. To put what some of this can cost into perspective, a friend of mine is diabetic and has a couple of other illnesses. Her medication copays are in the hundreds of dollars each month.

      And here’s my PSA for people in the US–when you get one of the bills from your hospital stay or your healthcare provider with big unexpected charges or charges that your insurer has denied, ALWAYS fight them. ALWAYS. Do not just suck it up and pay.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        #3: Yes. The emergency room literally will not do anything other than address your emergency. I cannot tell you how many ER charts I’ve reviewed where the person had been dealing with (let’s say wrist pain) for months and suddenly decided one night, no change in the pain, but dammit, I’m going to go to the ER for it Right Now, and then got pissed when they got the ER bill because “all they did was do an x-ray and then refer me to a regular doctor.” I don’t want to get too much into work stuff, because I do this for a living and it’s the weekend, but by virtue of the fact that the ER setting is designed to be high-needs, high-emergency, life-saving care, any care provided in the ER is going to be billed at a higher rate because the demand on the physician should be higher than a normal checkup.

        (My husband was in one of my system’s ERs a couple months back with the most expensive panic attack ever, and he was glaring at me going “Stop adding up my bill in your head.” As it turns out, I was right, within $100 (and that mostly because he didn’t ask exactly what labs they’d run on him, so I was ball parking).)

        My PSA for people in the US —
        One, I agree with the Comma, insurance companies (in my experience) will bend over backwards to find excuses not to pay. (Here’s a fun one. Anthem’s approval list of emergency care diagnoses includes the removal of a foreign body from the mouth, the stomach, the intestines, or the rectum, but NOT the esophagus. Tell your children that if they’re going to swallow pennies, they should be more efficient about it.)
        Two, most non-private hospitals have an entire department that exists to try to help people get medical care covered. At mine, it’s called Patient Financial Navigation, but that may vary. Their goal is to get people hooked up with whatever they can do to help with medical costs. Public programs, grants, they’ll help with Medicare/Medicaid applications, Marketplace plan navigation, pharmacy discount programs, sometimes even applicable research studies. And if you don’t have insurance or anything else, most non-private hospitals will offer a self-pay discount and payment plans. (My system automatically does payment plans for everybody, insured or not, and if the payment is too high for you, they’ll lower it, you just have to call in and talk to them.)

      2. Natalie*

        Re #3, availability can also be a factor. A lot of low cost clinics are overloaded, so they may not be taking new patients or you have to wait quite a while.

      3. Fikly*

        Oh, question everything!

        I got a bill for $5450 for a medication that was pre-auth’d by my insurance. After recovering from my heart attack, and fighting through my insurance lying to me multiple times, I eventually found out that when doing the claim, they did not bother to check if there was a pre-auth on file. It still took two months for them to redo the claim and finally pay the money.

        1. Kage*

          This. Since employers can negotiate their specific plans for what they do/don’t cover, sometimes the reps don’t even seem to know your specifics and just go in their generic plan options. If your employer has expanded or modified their coverage, that can be something reps miss initially.

          Case in Point: I had a miscarriage in early 2018 that required me to go to the ER. Fine because I knew my HDHP insurance covered all prenatal-related costs in-full without being linked to the deductible. Got a bill for like $3,500 (I think the full scope of my OOP max). Called up my insurance to be told by the rep that our plan only covered prenatal complications in-full; everything else was subject to the deductible being met first. I was like a) that’s not what it says anywhere in the plan booklet and is directly contradicted by text on x page; and – more importantly – b) even if that was true, what do you think a miscarriage is but the ultimate prenatal complication?At one point I literally remember asking:
          Me: “So tell me, what would be considered a successful, non-complicated outcome from a pregnancy?”
          Rep: “Delivery of a healthy child.”
          Me: “So what about an instance where you don’t have a healthy baby as the outcome?”
          Rep: “Oh that’s a complication and would be covered.”
          Me: “Like the complication of a miscarriage where you lose the baby”
          Rep: “Yes, like that.”
          Me: “….”

          Serious facepalm/head-meet-desk with the amount of times I literally went round and round with the rep about what they defined as a healthy pregnancy outcome/what was a complication. Had to file a formal claim dispute and it took 4 months, but they definitely reversed course and covered everything in-full once they actually read their contact.

          And this was a major, nationwide company…

          1. US Healthcare*

            Insurance companies are a nightmare at the best of times. I can’t even imagine how frustrating and sad it’d be to negotiate payment for large bills for a medical health emergency. I’m sorry to hear your experience.

            1. Ursula*

              I personally have the best of times right now – great insurance (like amazing, in network deductible is $400 and my employer pays the whole premium), and the insurance is self-funded by my employer and merely administered by our insurance company, which should take a lot of profit motive based denials out of things. For those who aren’t familiar with self funded insurance, it means your company is paying your medical bills directly themselves, rather than buying insurance that pays for the bill. The insurance administrator just does the paperwork.

              And yet.

              My employer literally hired a company this year whose entire job is to help employees fight the insurance company. The one that they pay to administer the insurance that the organization pays for. I’ve had to fight them multiple times to get them to cover items that are explicitly listed as covered in our policy documents. My employer even covers balance billing (where the medical center bills the rest of the amount to the patient that the insurance says is too much so they won’t pay it at all), so there’s absolutely no point in them trying to deny things illegitimately. It’s just so ingrained in the insurance company’s business model and culture to be shitty that they can’t stop themselves even when it doesn’t benefit them AT ALL.

              I assume my employer tried to convince them to behave before they took the step of hiring another company to negotiate with the insurance company on behalf of employees, as obviously that’s an additional expense. Really the only other solution is for my employer to administer the health insurance themselves, but that would require creating an entire new department to do that, and hire people with medical billing expertise to an organization that has nothing to do with medical billing, so I can see they they wouldn’t want to do that.

              Insurance companies truly deserve to be completely destroyed.

          2. Senior Montoya*

            Or when my child needed a specialized (= expensive) med for vomiting due to treatment. The insurance company would cover one prescription per month. The prescription was allowed for 28 doses.

            You see the problem…

            Solution (after many phone calls)? Write a prescription for 28 pills that were twice as large, buy a pill cutter, cut pills in half, throw away the excess. In other words, hugely more expensive to the insurance company than just giving us two or three more pills of the correct dose.

          3. RagingADHD*

            I think the phone reps are either forced to just read scripts, or have become zombies to cope with their jobs.

            When I was windjng up my aunt’s estate, I had to call about some insurance & financial records. It would always go something like,

            Me: Hi, I’m the executor for the estate of Betty Sue Customer. Her date of birth was X and date of death was Y. I need to change the address of record so that any further statements come to my address. What paperwork do you need to do that?

            Rep: Is this Ms Betty Sue Customer speaking?

            Me: No. I am her executor.

            Rep: Is there a reason she can’t speak herself?

            Me: ….She is dead.

            Rep: Because I can’t discuss the account with anyone but her.

            Me:…She is dead.

            Repeat ad nauseum.

      4. Lore*

        I am fairly certain that it is baked into the business model that most people will not have the time/energy/patience/skill in deciphering complicated and opaque bills to fight small mischarges. I have the kind of job where I can sit on golf with an insurance company during business hours, the stubbornness to read every detail of my policy and question when I don’t understand bills, access to a health advocate through my job, and pretty decent insurance, and I’ve still sometimes given up when the amount being incorrectly billed is under $30. (And spent literally months resolving it when it was a larger amount.)

        1. Emma*

          Ah, this! This is how my country’s government cuts the disability benefit bill. Anyone can claim is they’ve got a health condition that limits their day to day life or mobile. You just have to be up to the task of calling the office, filling out a 30 page questionnaire, waiting 6 months, going to an inaccessible building that’s nowhere near any public transport for an assessment, wait another 3 months, get declined, write a letter asking them to reconsider, wait 6 weeks, fill in a court form, wait 18 months, go to court.

          Then you’ll get a huge whack of backpay, if you’re not one of the majority who’s given up because of the stress.

          1. That'll happen*

            Applying for disability in the United States is a similar process. You have to apply, go to doctors to get the documentation, and if you’re denied you have to go through an appeal and then you’ll finally get your backpay. And while people are waiting for their disability determination, they can’t work (well you can, but not much and it can hurt your case) because if you can work then why do you need disability? There are also a lot of people who get lawyers to help them through the process and the lawyer will take a hefty chunk of your backpay (25%).

    7. Not So NewReader*

      For your 4th question: Medical bankruptcies are sky rocketing here. People just can’t pay. I knew of a couple who got buried in debt. Her medication alone was $176,000 per year. Then she “needed” a “helper” drug that was $30,ooo per year. That was JUST the drugs, this does not include therapies, tests and other on-going appointments. She could not work and he could not leave her alone. So neither one of them worked. Insurance did not cover the drugs or much else.

      GoFundMe is the new insurance plan here.

      At the opposite end of the story are people like my uncle. My uncle was diagnosed with brain cancer. He saw the treatments his son had and he watched his son die anyway. My uncle decided that he would not have treatment and just accept the natural course of things. I am talking to more and more people who are saying they would probably not have treatment. What they will do when the rubber meets the road remains to be seen, I think that the fact people are openly discussing this option reflects how dire things are here. People would prefer to die than deal with our medical system.

      Back in the 80s my mother was terminally ill and dying. My father was repeatedly shamed that he did not have enough money to pay her $80, ooo per year out of pocket medical expense. Not only did “friends” and family shame him, the doctors scolded him also. It was HIS fault he could not pay these bills.
      He ended up in such a pressure cooker that he, himself, got really sick and never fully recuperated from the betrayal and abandonment in our society.

      To this day, the shaming and finger wagging goes on. I took my husband to a new oncologist. We got to the office and the sign on the door said, “We do not accept credit cards.” I smirked, “Yeah, because by the time people get here, they have NO credit.” If I asked the doc how much something cost, the doc would get all pissy as if it was our fault we could not pay. My husband’s out of pocket medical for three months was right around $20,ooo. In the end, we spent tons of money at that office and the doc could not even say to me, “Sorry for your loss.” All the docs could say was “Told ya he was going to die!”
      I am beyond disgusted. I feel that I will also opt for no treatment if the time comes.

      1. Misty*

        That’s horrible about your husband. I’m so sorry.

        Sadly, I agree with all the things you posted and have heard my own stories of people not being able to afford medical care and then just opting out. Which is sad because medical care isn’t like buying a car or something. Everyone should have access to good medical care without worrying about going bankrupt!

      2. US Healthcare*

        That’s awful, I am very sorry to hear that, and your experience is by no means uncommon either.

      5. Kuododi*

        My heart aches for you and the unimaginable loss of your beautiful family members. I’m not going to pretend I “understand” what you’re currently facing. May the Grace of the Spirit be a source of strength and peace from now until the End of Days. Best wishes. Kuododi

      6. Not So NewReader*

        Thanks, all.

        I feel my people here are at rest/peace. As one person commented this stuff is not unusual and I think that is the part that bothers me the most. The story doesn’t end with my story here. It just keeps going.

    8. blackcat*

      Public hospitals used to be very common in US cities, but most have been privatized since the 1970s. New York City is basically alone among major in maintaining a robust a robust public hospital network–some cities still have one or two, but many cities (ex: Boston) have none that are truly public.

      There’s basically no medical care that’s free in the US. The only thing that I’ve experienced that was completely government provided with zero questions asked is my town does flu shots for anyone who walks in the door. I love it! They will also do other immunizations for free. There tends to be a way to get immunizations for free in most of the US, but that’s about it. Public hospitals are “public” in the sense that the government owns or controls them, and most often subsidizes them. They do tend to be “safety net” hospitals that treat lots of people who can’t pay, but they’ll still try to collect that money.

      As to your last question…. that’s how a lot of people die. They get stabilized in an ER but can’t afford follow up, so either end up back in the ER or die.

      1. Fikly*

        The ratio of public to private hospitals in the US is actually still 2:1. Public hospitals are twice as common.

        1. blackcat*

          That’s true for public to private *spending,* but the data I can find indicates the VAST majority of hospitals are privately owned. I’ll post a link in a second reply.

        2. Mary Connell*

          As I mentioned above, people don’t know what public hospitals are. Perhaps Fikly means not for profit hospitals, because there certainly aren’t twice as many public hospitals as private in the US. Not anywhere close to that.

    9. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Another aspect is that undocumented / illegal immigrants often have a problem getting medical care because they don’t have proper ID – so they don’t tend to go to the free clinics. That means they often end up going to the ER where they have to be treated. Outside of the obvious human issue with this, it’s also the most expensive way to give medical treatment.

      1. WellRed*

        Not even just immigrants. People with Medicaid often go to the ER for care, if that’s the only place that will take it. Drives up costs.

      1. Emma*

        Yeah, as someone who is currently considering a move to the US (from Canada), this freaks me out so much. And to be clear, there are so many things I am excited about for this potential move – professional opportunity, diverse and beautiful landscapes, fun cities, great people, better weather, the list just goes on and on. But the healthcare thing makes me SO nervous. I know people make it work and I would probably get some coverage through my job or my SO’s, but it all seems so confusing and scary to me.

        1. Dan*

          I don’t think you’re overreacting. I have *great* health care through my job. The irony is that job stability just isn’t what it used to be in the US. So while I have great health care through my job now, there’s no guarantee that either 1) My health plan won’t change for the worse, or 2) I’ll even stay at this employer for the long haul.

          The worst thing is that insurance companies usually pay insanely discounted rates to the provider. The “retail” rates are much higher… and considering that the people without health insurance are likely to not have a lot of disposable income, I have no idea how they’re actually expected to truly pay their bills. The system would make more sense if “the price was the price.” I’m serious, too. When I look at the negotiated rates my insurance pays, I think to myself, “I could swing that if I had to pay all of it out of pocket.” But with the inflated “retail” rates? TBH it just makes more sense to run the bill up and declare bankruptcy. Which becomes a cycle in and of itself.

          1. Natalie*

            My husband had back surgery a couple of years ago and the insurance discount was literally 50% of an ~$90K surgery. Helluva coupon.

        2. Eeeek*

          You can purchase individual plans for health insurance as well even if work does not provide and you don’t qualify for aid. You just go in and buy it yourself. It’s really expensive but salaries are typically higher here. So if I make 60k here and spend 10k on healthcare, but my job in another country would only pay 50k plus free healthcare it can come out to a wash. I’m not advocating for the medical system in the US because I agree it is very messed up and needs some serious work. But you can work within it as best you can.

          1. Amethystmoon*

            Yes, I did that back when I temped and had no benefits from work. I had the pay the most copay plan so avoided doctor whenever possible, as nearly everything would be out of pocket.

        3. Oxford Comma*

          I have insurance through my job, comparatively good insurance too and when I was healthy and had maybe one or two visits a year, the $25 copay was nothing. Then I developed issues and now all those copays add up. Plus the prescription copays. Procedures, etc. It is a real concern.

        4. Venus*

          There are Canadians who go home if they get ill. If they have been away for too long then they aren’t covered for the first few months, but it is the best option for some.

    11. CastIrony*

      I know this doesn’t answer your question, but if you live in a smaller town, you may have to drive at least an hour away to get treatment because it simply isn’t available in the small town.

      For example, my mom is getting major dental work done in the next town over. It is 70 miles away, but partially because she is getting workers’ compensation (like insurance, but for businesses to have if a worker gets hurt on their worksite), she has to go there because workers’ comp has it as the place to go; it’s much like a participating provider that is under a certain insurance.

      1. Fikly*

        There are counties (large ones geographically) in the US where there is a single OB/GYN in the entire county. It’s so messed up.

        1. Imtheone*

          There are some counties with no MDs at all. These are large rural counties where the nearest hospital can be several hours away by car.

        2. Natalie*

          The top third of my state has no OB’s, and it’s one of the mid-sized ones. Apparently right now, pregnant women are moving to Duluth a couple of weeks before their due date because that’s their best option during the pandemic.

      2. Koala dreams*

        This happens in my country with so-called universal health care, too. My country is similar to Line’s above (maybe we are compatriots?). In remote areas, you can have a long drive to the nearest doctor or the nearest hospital with a certain speciality, even though you are usually allowed to go to the nearest one. If you get sick, you better have a car and somebody who can drive you, because the ambulance might not arrive in time. Not a problem in a big enough city, but for those that live or work in remote areas it’s a problem. I read a very interesting article of two men working in a remote forest. When one of them got sick suddenly, they managed to get to the nearest hospital by hiring a small private plane from a friend to get them partway to the hospital.

        1. Line*

          We might be. I come from a country with few inhabitants that are quite spread out, so we have a very different system than in the US. For a lot of highly specialised conditions (organ transplants, severe burns, some cancers, some neonatal complications etc) there are only one or two hospitals you could go to, and they can be up to one-two days away if driving. However, because where you live shouldn’t impact your care they have dedicated offices that arrange transport and cover some/all of the costs if you need to go to the hospital for a planned procedure. In emergencies regional hospitals all have ambulance helicopters/planes in case you need to be airlifted from where you are or to another hospital (and that is obviously free). Now if only Russia would stop jamming communications so that our ambulance helicopters don’t have to fly without GPS we would be swell!

    12. Dancing Otter*

      Cook County Hospital in Chicago is absolutely the provider of last resort for anyone who can afford to go elsewhere. It is also an hour away from some parts of the county: if you’re on public aid, don’t have a heart attack in the south suburbs.
      I know someone who opted for acupuncture and a Chinese herbalist (She is not Chinese.) rather than go there to have her gallbladder removed. And a gallbladder attack is excruciating: of the two, childbirth was less painful and shorter, though my attack was considered mild.
      Illinois is supposedly one of the more generous states in terms of granting Medicaid coverage, but it pays poorly and slowly, so a lot of doctors and medical facilities don’t accept it. (I can’t blame them, honestly: the state should pay its bills.) So the county hospital is almost the only place for the poor to go. Even if you can find a doctor that accepts Medicaid, they send patients there for anything beyond an office visit.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Yeah, mine recently got removed, and the pain was so severe that I genuinely thought I was dying. Although I didn’t have a singular clue as to what was happening, which probably didn’t help.

    13. Eeeek*

      Public hospitals are known for having doctors that may not be as skilled and for being full of people who have less money (trying to say that nicely) so often if someone has the money or insurance to cover treatment elsewhere they will go the better option. For example a friend is a delivery nurse at a public hospital and all of the inmates who give birth do so there, so some people would not want to be around that (I’m not making a judgement about the inmates just stating this is a common line of thinking). Also, healthcare in the USA is extremely politicized, so there will always be some politics in the discussion.

    15. Lora*

      – Are public hospitals common in the US?
      Yes, but…as others have mentioned, it is also possible to live in a rural area that is so bereft of any kind of social support or industry that there are no hospitals around for well over 100 miles, so “common” isn’t the same as “readily available”. There may be one volunteer ambulance that serves a 100-mile radius and if they’re on the opposite side of where you are sick/injured, you’re outta luck.

      – Is it free to be treated there?
      No. If you have insurance, they will bill your insurance and you will still have some co-pay (co-pays are usually a couple hundred bucks for hospitals) depending on arcane and bizarre insurance chicanery which will not be disclosed to you in advance, which you have no way of knowing about, and which you cannot possibly avoid except by attempting to get a job someday that offers better insurance. If you do not have insurance, you will receive a bill and it will be a LOT. Typically even if you have insurance, it will only cover a portion of this bill and you will still have to pay anywhere from a few hundred to a few hundred thousand.

      – If so, why don’t people just use those hospitals to be treated instead of using insurance?
      Emergency rooms are required by law to treat everyone who comes in regardless of ability to pay – but will only treat your actual emergency. If it’s not a life or death thing and you’re not in the middle of delivering a baby, they give you a referral to a regular doctor and send you on your way, and still send you a bill for quite a lot of money just for that service.

      – What do people do if their insurance pays for initial treatment but not expensive follow-up drugs?
      They often don’t take the follow up drugs at all if they are expensive, or they take half-doses to make them last, or they take them for a much shorter time than is prescribed. There is a concerted effort between doctors, pharmacists and insurance companies to ensure the very cheapest poorest quality generics are provided, which often don’t have as much active ingredient as the label indicates or have very poor formulation quality leading to side effects. (Disclaimer: while I do work for Big Pharma, I also take two generic medications because my stupid insurance requires a generic without basically an act of God, and yes I have had formulation-error side effects and I hate that without these medications I will be deathly ill and my choices are “take the crappy generic or nothing”.)

        1. TL -*

          Just to be clear, while there were some cases of bad generics in the 70s/80s (mostly thyroid meds), generics are closely monitored and must have the same active formulation as the name brand.

          Drug/med patents only last 7-14 years, so name brands tend to be really expensive because they have a relatively short window of time to recoup development costs (millions up to a billion) and make a profit. Generics just need to profit over production costs, which are minimal, so they are much cheaper, even though they’re often exactly the same.

          1. Lora*

            See: Bottle of Lies by Katherine Eban. It’s very common for generics manufacturers to falsify paperwork. The recall rates, consent decrees and shutdowns for generics manufacturers are far greater than the stuff made in the US and Europe. Enforcement is very poor to non-existent.

    17. Katniss Evergreen*

      I can appreciate that you’re interested in learning here without a political angle, but here in the U.S. it’s essentially impossible to separate how healthcare works from politics – there’s unfortunately so much of it instead of a dedication to science or public health in our hospital systems.

    18. No fan of Chaos*

      Some hospitals have closed their emergency rooms so they don’t have to treat uninsured emergencies. Many of these are in the Los Angeles area. If you are insured, you can call your doctor to meet you at these hospitals and be treated. Many rural hospitals closed if their state governments didn’t expand the medicare programs which supports poor or handicapped citizens due to lack of payments. In that case, you might have to drive hundred of miles to be treated.

    19. Kym Burley*

      Yes, America’s healthcare system is horrible. Let’s all go on about how much worse it is than places like Europe or Canada. Just like comparison of benefits or vacation policies in America vs. Other places that go on in the work threads. The faux shock is tiresome. We don’t need to repeat it constantly.

      1. US Healthcare*

        Hmm, I’m not sure to what you’re referring? I asked some questions about the American healthcare system, which people have answered, some with personal anecdotes – the horror stories aren’t mine; I’m very sorry to hear them.
        If you’re responding to my comment that New Amsterdam is horrible – I mean that the programme is very poor: completely lacking in subtlety, patronising, and preachy. I was making no comment on the system – I am not qualified to. I haven’t even been to America, let alone experienced its healthcare.

      2. Hrodvitnir*

        I can certainly understand why people get frustrated at non-Americans being shocked at your healthcare system all the time, and it can seem performative. That just doesn’t really apply here?

        Some people being patronising doesn’t mean the shock is not genuine, and it doesn’t mean people shouldn’t ask questions! In this case there was no shock, just questions. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that people from outside the US are not fully clear on how the US healthcare system works (except expensive, tied to employment, and exceptionally unequal access).

  3. Vic tower*

    I hope all of you going through the dark and grim days get some light soon. I’m feeling very lucky at the moment. I’ve been quite stressed with lots of work/personal/covid issues but it feels like things are getting better now. And at the moment, with my baby kicking me lots – I love being pregnant! It was a long time coming, and I’m still worried about all the possible things that can go wrong, but I’m really happy right now.
    Good vibes to all the AAM community- I read every day, and especially love the weekend posts. Anyone else got good weekend feels or needing virtual hugs?

    1. 'Tis Me*

      Aaw, when are you due? :-)

      I always loved how the baby kicks were almost like a secret, letting you start to bond with the baby before anybody else <3

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Hey due date twin! I”m due in August too, had a good appointment so that was nice! I’m exactly in teh same position as you are/were, constantly worried. How is your prep going?

          1. 'Tis Me*

            Best of luck to both of you for smooth and easy births, and a better situation pandemic-wise by then!

          2. Copenhagen*

            I’m also due end of August! At the moment it feels like I’ve swallowed half a night club with all the moving and flailing going on. It’s so strange knowing that there’s an actual person living inside of me, who has a sleep schedule and the ability to hear my voice and stuff…

          3. Vic tower*

            Yay, hi fellow pandemamas! Are You on baby one, two, three or other? This is my first (long awaited) baby. Prep wise, not done much. My sister has been living with us since January but just bought a house and is in the process of moving out. She is in the future nursery, so once she’s out, we’ll start stocking up.
            I’m in Australia, so been lucky from COVID perspective so far. Where are you guys?

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              This is #1, and same thing very long awaited and a surprise. I”m in NYC so not in a great place for COVID. I’ve bought a few onesies and created a registry and got a few free boxes, but not buying until June/July. So right now, it’s just information gathering time

        2. kz*

          Congrats! I’m due at the end of June and it is crazy how quickly the time flies by. Wishing you all the joy and peace :)

    2. PX*

      I am having the best weekend feels right now. One of the bright spots for me in this whole situation has been ordering food from local places which don’t normally deliver, and finding a few new ones along the way.

      Today my delivery from a cafe I started following a few weeks ago came and the frittata is AMAZING. I think there is some kind of curry spice in there but honestly it is so delicious and I am so happy right now.

      Bonus is the fact that I have cake and pastry for the rest of the weekend plus a chutney to spice up my life for the next few weeks.

      Food (and sunshine) is very much my happy place at the moment, plus bonus of supporting small businesses!

    3. Parenthetically*

      Good weekend feels here. We had an incredibly chill day yesterday (after a rocky start with an out-of-sorts toddler) — Mr. Parenthetically worked from home, it was raining and lovely and cool and I snuggled up on the couch with the kids and watched movies in between baking bread, and as the day progressed the rain cleared and it turned into the most sparkling crystalline almost autumnal-feeling evening. Little Brackets #2 slept pretty well last night (and is the sweetest happiest baby). Delicious breakfast this morning with freshly-baked bread. Now sitting around listening to music and folding laundry.

    4. Overeducated*

      My baby has just been beaming at me all day, I had nachos for dinner, and I’m excited about mimosas tomorrow.

  4. NeonFireworks*

    Oh my goodness, Janelle Brown! I read “Watch Me Disappear” last summer and it stunned me, in the best possible way. Holy cow.

  5. Might be Spam*

    I asked for suggestions about buying a new laptop back in early March. After a week I tried to find out the delivery date and discovered that my order was canceled (without notifying me) because they couldn’t verify my account. They still can’t tell me why. So I ordered again from a different company.
    Finally it was delivered today. After almost 2 months without a computer (thank goodness for my smartphone) I am SO HAPPY. The delivery driver probably thinks I’m insane because I was so excited. He’s probably right.

    1. Anagram*

      I had a similar situation, and when I finally ordered a new laptop, they said it’s gonna be there at the end of April. Since then, every four days I’ve been getting emails to the tune of “not ready yet”. Throughout April I was like, I know! The last one I got says we are looking more at end of May. Well, at least that’s some specifics.

      1. Might be Spam*

        According to the tracking information it took 3 days to build the laptop and 5 weeks to get through quality control. 10 days ago they sent me an email telling me it would be delivered the next day. Tracking information wasn’t available so I waited all day. It never showed up and I couldn’t get through to the delivery company. The next day the tracking information showed that it was still in China and had been sitting in the Shanghai FedEx office for a week. Once it finally got out of China, it went through Japan, Hawaii, California, Tennessee and delivered to Wisconsin in 4 days.

        1. Not a cat*

          FedEX is terrible right now (actually they are only slightly more terrible than normal). Add at least 10 days to any delivery they “promise”. Apparently because of COVID they are no longer beholden to any of their contracted delivery times.

    2. Sled dog mama*

      I’ve been struggling with similar things as a parent. I took a new job in December which led to me living in new location and kiddo and daddy living in old location for January and February. Then old state locked down the day before her birthday which meant that they hightailed it to live with me (and his parents). I’m an essential worker and was supposed to start working from home 3/25, on 3/26 the hospital system got hit with a malware attack and I’ve had two days off since then and we’re supposed to get remote access starting this week but in waves and as a contractor I’ll be in the last wave.
      So kiddo (6yo)is scared, I’m not as available as I was or want to be.
      The biggest thing that seems to calm her is two fold I’ve spent some time “holding her like a baby” which has helped her feel secure and talking. When we talk I help her articulate why she’s scared and what mommy and daddy are doing to address those fears, that has helped because she didn’t know we were already doing things to prevent her fears, yeah she should have been able to see what we were doing but at 6 she’s not that observant.
      Also I’ve shared my fears with her, it seems so counter intuitive but that’s helped her a lot to know that I’m scared to and I can still push through and keep going.

        1. 'Tis Me*

          It is genuinely a lot for anybody to process, let alone small people who haven’t really had to think of the world as a scary place full of risks before now. Thanks, and please stay safe! I hope you get time off soon.

  6. 'Tis Me*

    I wrote in a few montha ago worrying about double buggies as I was expecting my third child late March. Thanks to Corona it ended up being a bit of a moot point (baby arrived by extended emergency C section – he tried to come out sideways and elbow first – a bit early, shortly before lockdown hit, so I had my husband with me and it was only the last day he couldn’t visit us in hospital). I couldn’t pick up the toddler for about a month. But the GP was impressed with how well my stomach muscles were knitting back together when I went in for my 6 week check up (it is WEIRD having an appointment with somebody you know in PPE) and I can now – I even gave the 5 year old a (very short) piggy back the other day!

    However. The husband is an NHS keyworker and when he was talking about working 80 hour weeks – I think he was actually provisionally rostered for 90 hours/week this month – I had to face up to the fact that I wouldn’t be able to supervise the force of nature that is the two year old, help the big one with her homework, take care of the newborn, and keep on top of all of the housework single-handedly, around the clock. So the children and I went to my parents so they could help.

    And the 5 year old is struggling. She’s had a heck of a time this past 6 months – I spent close to 2 months basically ill in bed, the husband was in and out of hospital, a new baby to adjust to (both girls love the baby, but sometimes having less of my time is hard for them), a few weeks at a different school thanks to Corona, not seeing her friends thanks to Corona, not seeing her extended family, not seeing her daddy, worrying about him dying, me dying, her dying…

    When the government was trying to meet the testing target by the end of April he managed to get tested despite being asymptomatic last week for a little bit of reassurance (my mum’s high risk), and we were able to go home for a few days. As well as desperately missing each other, and the husband being a bit miserable working and being isolated otherwise, not seeing his family bar Zoom, photos and WhatsApp, we were hoping it would help alleviate her “I might never see Daddy again” anxiety. It may have done but she is still really worried about death.

    What do you say to a 5 year old telling you she has a funny feeling in her head, is the worst person in the world, she wishes she’d never been born because she doesn’t want to die, she never wants to die, she never wants me or her daddy to die, she wants to cut off her head so she dies because she can’t die twice, she wants to be dead..?

    Also how do you say it when this comes up close to 11 at night, the tiny baby is screaming for you, and you don’t want to wake up the toddler in the same room?

    We’re trying to give her lots of love and reassurance, and she is mainly happy on the surface during the day, but she is acting up a bit, and e.g. The “worst person in the world” stuff has cropped up over making a typo while doing a computer assessment and not getting full marks, despite us all assuring her that making mistakes is how you learn, she’s doing really well, etc, complete with hitting herself in the head…

    We’re a bit worried about her.

    1. Not A Manager*

      What a tremendous trauma for a young child. This might sound counter-intuitive, but I think it’s really good that she’s able to share her difficult feelings with you.

      When my husband was ill, we really leaned into the idea of all of the grownups and experts who are working so hard toward a good outcome. In your case, the idea that the government is working hard to help people not pass the virus to one another. Smart doctors and researchers are working hard to find a vaccine. Caring teachers are working hard to keep everyone learning. Brave grocery worker and pharmacists are making sure we have food and medicine. Etc.

      I would also stress that we personally social distance not so much to keep us from getting sick, as to prevent spreading illness to other people. WE are young and healthy and strong. WE could be exposed and have no symptoms. WE might get a little bit sick but not much. But there are other people who are more at risk than we are, and we much work together to keep everyone safe.

      I would also set a strict limit on activities that trigger hateful self-talk or self-harm. She’s five. If taking a test is stressing her out that much, I would forbid her to take the test. I would seriously sit down with her before the test and say, “right now, making a simple mistake is getting you really upset and angry at yourself. You know that mistakes are fine, everyone makes them, they are how we learn. Can you remember that when you take this test? If you think that making a mistake is going to freak you out, we will need to postpone this test or just not take it.”

      When things open up, I hope you can find her some good support. This has all just been a tremendous amount for a young child to process. I think she will need some help with that.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        Thanks!

        The test was just a small end of module assessment in Carol Vorderman’s Maths Factor website – she really enjoys doing it. But while her teacher tells me that at school she’s Miss Independent, “don’t help me, I want to work it out myself” at home she wants lots of reassurance and to check every answer with somebody unless she’s 100% sure.

        She’s usually the happiest, most easy-going kiddo imaginable! But she’s also very empathetic and imaginative and right now those traits – which are usually huge strengths – are also making it harder to switch off and relax.

        1. Lizzo*

          Is she getting the opportunity to engage in some physical movement–either high intensity (running around) or calming (yoga)–on a daily basis? I was also an independent child who had a lot of feelings. All. The. Time. Physical activity has always helped get the feelings moving “through” and “out” so that they don’t fester. There’s nothing wrong with having those feelings, but now is a great time to start learning about understanding/managing/coping with those feelings. Acquiring those skills now will serve her well later in life.

          Sending your entire family positive energy during this incredibly stressful time.

          1. 'Tis Me*

            My parents have a good-sized garden and a trampoline for the girls. We also brought their scooters here. One of the many things the husband had delivered here for them is a slip ‘n’ slide and she’s enjoyed that a lot the last two days (it’s supposed to turn cold again soon though).

            That is a pretty positive thought – that through life there will be things that are challenging, scary and beyond our control, and the skills needed to cope now will help her in future :-) Thanks!

            Thank you.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        That sounds about like the thought process I had as a kid before anyone figured out my severe thanatophobia, complete with the head-hitting.

        I wish I had advice for helping her cope with it, but I don’t. I just tried to ignore it, and that didn’t work at all.

        1. 'Tis Me*

          I don’t think it helps that as a child you’re used to thinking of the world as a safe place, and that your parents have all of the answers. This is challenging those assumptions and it makes sense for that to be scary!

          I hope you’re coping OK with the pandemic!

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Talk to the school. UK schools can be quite good at this kind of thing, and may have an ELSA programme.

      I think it very likely many children will be traumatised by this experience, regardless of their individual circumstances, so schools do have this on their radar.

      As an aside, my children were all ridiculously light sleepers for any kind of adult noise (one foot on the staircase, an ill-timed cough) but all had a tremendous capacity to sleep through each other’s noise. The toddler may surprise you.

      Best of luck.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        PS was it the CVC phonics assessment? I have a mildly anxious 6yo and we are using lots of fun resources (Twinkl) to look a lot less formal than proper school, as he has developed a slight complex about “proper writing”. It may be that yours also gets on better with what she thinks are games than what looks too much like school.

      2. 'Tis Me*

        I emailed the teacher to confirm that this is definitely new behaviour (rather than something we haven’t seen at home but that she has been known to do), and my MIL is a teaching assistant and has checked with a SENCO friend and sent us a few resources too. My MIL said that she suspects there will be a fair few PSHE lessons on this when school’s back as a lot of kids will be struggling. It’s just so hard to see!

        1. 'Tis Me*

          Nope, Carol Vorderman’s Maths Factor which she’s really enjoying. It’s like a very short lesson, but some of the practices are games, and it has extra games on the site, and she enjoys it.

          I think we will rewatch some Magic Schoolbus as it has a strong emphasis on learning from mistakes (which is the first thing my engineering Dad said – that if you never make mistakes you never learn).

          1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            You can’t learn without mistakes.

            I’ve heard such good things about Carol’s maths, so that surprises me.

            It’s easy to forget how tiny these children really are. The world is big and scary for them at the best of times. They need love and play above all else. We are heavily emphasising positive and anti-virus news here. Pollyanna!

            It sounds like you’re doing well. My eldest was 5 when my youngest arrived (middle child 2y6m) and it’s tough to juggle at first but we love the spacing now (6,9,11). You’ve got this!

            1. 'Tis Me*

              I think it’s entirely about the head space she’s in rather than the site.

              I think that’s a good idea but e.g. On Thursday Mum turned the news on expecting it to show clapping for the NHS and keyworkers and instead it was an update on the number of deaths… Sometimes it’s hard!

              Thank you. I’m hoping the spacing should work well as they grow. The two older ones often play together (and squabble – they love each other but the 2 year old can demonstrate this by trying to do exactly what her sister’s doing, exactly where she’s doing it, with exactly what her sister is trying to use…) but the age gaps still feel pretty big.

    3. Quandong*

      I’m so sorry your 5 year old daughter is suffering this way.

      I work with children but am not a counsellor or mental health professional. I refer children to these services when I think they need assistance for unusual levels of anxiety.

      It sounds like your daughter would really benefit from counselling at this time. You and your husband would also benefit from the support of a professional while learning how to navigate this situation (including scripts for when your daughter says distressing things about herself).

      Children can absolutely suffer from acute anxiety, and what your daughter is experiencing is traumatic.

      Early intervention is best if you can possibly manage to get your daughter some help.

      I hope you have access to resources through your daughter’s school, mental health websites for children & parents, and government child health programmes. Perhaps other UK commenters might have suggestions for you.

      Best wishes, this is so difficult and traumatic for everyone.

      2. D3*

        I was going to say this. Getting my daughter professional help was the best thing for us. And for her. I wish we had done it sooner.
        Her therapist has been amazing giving her tools to cope and helping her see perspective. And on occasion, answering my questions about how to handle situations like this.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      Counseling! We got ourselves through when our 7 year old was saying similat things 20+ years ago. We very much regret not getting counseling back then.

      I send so much virtual love and hugs.

    5. Vic tower*

      I’m so sorry to hear how your daughter is suffering. You and your husband have so much on your plates right now and it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job in really difficult circumstances. I don’t have any good advice, but sending you and your family love and support

    6. Sarah*

      You’ve gotten some good answers above, but I’ve found that some one-on-one time with my undivided attention can also help. Is there a way your in laws can watch the other two so you can give her a couple hours with just you? She gets to set the activities (to a point obviously since we’re all still in isolation). Maybe a walk with just the two of you, or a special baking project – whatever she likes. It can help fill her cup, while you look into therapy and the other things listed above.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        Not sure if a few hours straight as the baby is a frequent feeder (but goes longer stretches at night) but have been trying to spend quality time with her. Thank you.

      2. cheeseburger*

        I know 5 y/os. I have girls and 2,4, and 6 (she’s in kindergarten). Things that really help my girls when they are having trouble:

        -1:1 time. In your situation, it could even be emotional 1:1 time. Can you read her from a chapter book while baby is feeding? Can she read to you? Can you do at home mani/pedis while naps? Teach her how to help you clean or cook and then do cleaning/cooking together? I was really surprised when I realized my kids like doing chores with me almost as much as playing.

        – outside time. Can she help plant flowers? Do nature scavenger hunts? Bike while you push baby?

        What does not work for us: screen time (school work online, zoom, shows-none of it).

    7. Misty*

      No advice from me, but I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts this upcoming week. You sound like a really good parent to be keyed into what’s going on and I’m glad your five year old has you.

      1. Imtheone*

        When I had my second, we found that even an hour just with me for my older one was a big help. A game in the garden or a private teatime or something else simple and pleasant might be possible even in these times.

        1. 'Tis Me*

          Yep, I am trying to give her one on one time (the 2 year old *adores* my mum and the baby is quite happy cuddling other people until he gets hungry). She usually does quite a lot with her daddy though…

    8. families!*

      For many years, when I was a child and into young adulthood, I said similar things, but it was ignored/dismissed so thank you for noticing. If it is possible to get a therapist, that would be great. I have a younger sister, about 1.5 years younger. Their typical response when I said I would be better dead was to tell me no I didn’t mean it, to get over myself, etc. so that was super not helpful.

      Some things that aggravated this for me (that took me years to work out) were my parents constant talk about how I was the “big sister”, “older sister”, like I could no longer be a kid, and had to be responsible/do all chores/be quiet, etc. When my younger sib screwed up, it was cute, when I did, I had failed my “older” status. A corollary of this was that I was held responsible for my young sib’s actions, she was too young to know better, but I should, and should therefore have had enough “adulthood” to prevent or talk her out of doing x. I also had to be productive, homework, chores, etc., whereas my sister was allowed to have downtime because she was a kid (of course I was too!). Basically I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and that was what I responding to when I said those things.

      I am not saying you are doing that, and on some level, I know my parents weren’t doing it on purpose, but there was a lot of unspoken and unexamined “stuff” thrust upon me by my parents when I was way too young to understand it and deal with it, and in particular had limited language to articulate. So it might be worth examining if you are unconsciously projecting things on to the older child. I also want to acknowledge this might be hard enough without COVID making everything even harder. Good luck.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        She is generally really well-behaved (she literally had maybe 3 proper meltdown tantrums in her terrible twos and threes!) whereas the toddler is a little ball of mischief and mayhem; sometimes I do need to remind myself she’s still little too (she’s only about a foot shorter than me which doesn’t help either – she takes after her very tall daddy) but it is something we keep in mind. I was “the good one” and I don’t think it made asking for help or speaking up when I’m not OK any easier so I’d rather not put that on her.

    9. Anonia*

      Let some stuff go. I am a teacher of young children, and I certainly am not expecting families to do everything (Or anything) the school asks. For us, the work is a suggestion, not a requirement. Your school may be different, but they will understand your circumstances. Your goal should be lessening your child’s stress. So let school work slide, focus on spending time together relaxing and playing, doing crafts, etc. FaceTime and zoom with her friends and extended family as well as Dad. And take care of yourself, because kids can definitely pick up on your stress.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        They have stressed that e.g. Helping to load the dishwasher or cook supper also involves learning. I’m largely letting her pick and choose what to do; the only thing I’ve been pushing her to do is read (she compares her fluency to adults’ then gets upset because it’s hard and she’s “bad” at it – she isn’t, she’s just very much still learning, and the only way her confidence will improve is with practice) but even then I’ve been doing it gently. The school’s made a lot of things available so she couldn’t do everything in the time she has.

    10. Sled dog mama*

      I’ve been struggling with similar things as a parent. I took a new job in December which led to me living in new location and kiddo and daddy living in old location for January and February. Then old state locked down the day before her birthday which meant that they hightailed it to live with me (and his parents). I’m an essential worker and was supposed to start working from home 3/25, on 3/26 the hospital system got hit with a malware attack and I’ve had two days off since then and we’re supposed to get remote access starting this week but in waves and as a contractor I’ll be in the last wave.
      So kiddo (6yo)is scared, I’m not as available as I was or want to be.
      The biggest thing that seems to calm her is two fold I’ve spent some time “holding her like a baby” which has helped her feel secure and talking. When we talk I help her articulate why she’s scared and what mommy and daddy are doing to address those fears, that has helped because she didn’t know we were already doing things to prevent her fears, yeah she should have been able to see what we were doing but at 6 she’s not that observant.
      Also I’ve shared my fears with her, it seems so counter intuitive but that’s helped her a lot to know that I’m scared to and I can still push through and keep going.

    11. It's a fish, Al*

      Different trigger, but my son experienced a lot of the same behaviors at around the same age. We waited a shockingly long time to be able to access good help – the school counselor was pretty much useless, as was the lone child psychiatrist in our region who wanted to move him straight to antidepressants and see him in a year for follow up.

      In the end (FOUR YEARS of pursuing meaningful help), a child psychologist finally had room for him in her practice. It was so immensely helpful. It actually took relatively few sessions at that point to address the issues, and I honestly think a lot of the calm it brought to my son was knowing that he had a family and medical team ready to listen.

      I’m no psychologist, but the main reference material my son’s psychologist suggested was The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel. I’m aware you may not have the mental space to read a whole book, but there are also other resources available online that follow the teachings in the book.

      I’m so very sorry to hear your family is going through such difficulties. I know how mindbendingly awful it can be to have a young child expressing suicidal ideation, and I wish you all the best in getting through this time.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        I’m sorry it took you so long to get him help but glad you found good help. Thank you for the recommendation too.

        I don’t know how serious she is or whether she understands what she’s saying but yeah, it is pretty alarming hearing it when she says it.

    12. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

      Do you have a health visitor? They, or a practice nurse at the GP, might be able to signpost and/or refer to CAMHS for your eldest. If they can’t offer assessment, they might be able to offer some helpful resources.

      Anxiety, particularly when it’s focused on failure or escalating small mistakes into huge issues, can be treated super effectively and the sooner the better

      1. 'Tis Me*

        Talking to the health visitor is a good idea – thanks!

        That’s really reassuring – thank you.

    13. The Rat-Catcher*

      My daughter used extreme language like that last year when she was five and it was scary. For her, it was a matter of clarifying what she meant when she said things. Of course I don’t know your child, but I wondered if mine understood what it meant to die, or what it meant to say that she was the worst person in the world. Upon asking her “what do you think it means to die?” “What would happen if you died?” “What does it mean that you are the worst person in the world?” For her, she was applying phrases she had heard to situations where she felt they applied, without really knowing what they meant.
      This is in no way meant to counter the suggestions above, nor to say that children that age cannot struggle invasive thoughts of death, especially now. Just a possible interpretation I hadn’t seen yet. You know your child best.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        That’s a good point – also, talking and trying on ideas can be a way to process it all in and of itself. Thank you!

    14. Pippa*

      Forgive some goodwill assumptions in my comments, please. Consider whether she has perfectionist tendencies. She’s the oldest child and has done very well until recently in a loving, routine environment. Then her world turned upside down. But not just her world – her parents’, grandparents’, teachers’… All her adults are leaking stress. Her routine is completely altered, blown away.
      Perfectionists sometimes go to the other extreme – perfect failure – if perfect success is out of reach. Or seems out of reach. The risk is too great. Help her SEE that the middle ground is safe. When you bake, spill some flour on the floor and remark upon it, “mommy make a mistake and spilled flour. It’s a mess and wasted money. Let’s clean it up together. Mistakes happen sometimes but we still love each other.” Take a risk and try a new craft, game, exercise, whatever and FAIL. Remark upon it. Show that it is ok to take a risk to try something and fail. Then try again and maybe get better, maybe not.
      You’ve gotten a lot of great comments here. And it sounds like you are doing a lot of great parenting, spousing, and daughtering under difficult circumstances. Please remember to take care of yourself too. If not just because you are truly worth it, then because a lovely, sensitive, observant little girl is watching and learning from you how to treat herself in times of crisis.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        I was very much an “if I don’t try then I can’t truly fail – I’ll have let myself down with my work ethic, not failed because everybody who’s ever called me smart is wrong” perfectionist as a child… It can be such a destructive trait in a few ways!

        Thank you.

    15. Anono-me*

      I think the big picture advice and suggestions from other posters is much better than anything I could give. I do very much support the suggestion of counseling specifically for your daughter and some for your family on how.

      But a couple of small thoughts:

      I wonder if she is watching any cartoons right now? If she is, it might be better to cut back and or change her viewing materials. So many cartoons are marketed towards children but contain very upsetting material. It seems like almost of the Disney cartoons involve orphans on their own or with evil caretakers .

      If being a orphan is one of her fears, in addition to discussing why it is highly unlikely that anything will happen to either of you; it might be helpful to list and discuss all of the loved ones who would step up to make sure that she and her sibs have a safe and loving place to grow up if she were to suddenly become orphaned. The longer the list, the better. This is not the time where you worry about the logistics of childcare. (Even if great-aunt Ethel is 97 and a chain smoking long-haul truck driver. She goes on the list.) If your family has a prayer ritual of some sort, now might be the time to add all of those people to the prayer list that your daughter says.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        She mainly watches things like Curious George, Magic Schoolbus Rides Again, Dinosaur Train, and Ben and Holly and Peppa Pig with her little sister.

        I was going to suggest we read A Little Princess before remembering the bit where the plot involves the girl’s father leaving her somewhere, getting ill, dying, and her being left destitute and mistreated though… Probably not one for this year!!

  7. Nessun*

    Getting pretty sick of covid-brand isolation, and it’s making me rather salty. Someone on a message board the other day had a great article about how they realized they were in a depressive state and got a puppy and “it’s the best thing ever and has helped enormously”. I don’t doubt it for a second. But at the risk of getting absolutely flamed…I’m getting tired of hearing about how everyone is coping thanks to their furry friends, or family ties. I guess at the end if the day, it’s bitterness and envy – allergies and my apartment situation mean no pets, and beside that I live alone, no spouse, roommate or dependents. I literally am Alone. I Skype family (who don’t live in this city or even time zone) and I chat/game/text my friends and coworkers. But it’s been a long time since I saw anyone who knew me, and even longer since I’ve had physical contact of any shape. So yeah, I’m kind of done with hearing everyone say how sad it is that the dog park isn’t open, or how sick they are of kids underfoot, or how their husband is driving them nuts. I’ve never felt so Isolated in my life, and I’m just…done. I don’t want to hear about it. There is no fix, there is nothing to be done but ride it out. Vent over.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      There is no fix, there is nothing to be done but ride it out.
      This applies not just to the pandemic but to a lot of other parts of life and for a lot of other people. Sheltering in place is not necessarily ideal for people who live in multi-person households, either. My spouse is medically fragile. This means I’m doing all shopping & almost all housework. In other locations, other family members also face medical challenges. I worry. I’m blessed to have family, employment, health, and housing … but in my spare time I battle depression and anger.

      I hear you about the envy that arises when others have pets that my own allergies prohibit–although truthfully I have neither the logistics nor the bandwidth to care for any four-legged family.

      We inhabit frightening times. Most of us are trying to manage gracefully. It’s not always easy. Or possible.

    2. Clementine*

      Same! I absolutely will not get a pet for various reasons. Where I live now, I don’t know anyone. I get messages and calls all day long from my friends and family and I am happy for that, but being this alone is just not good. I have contemplated moving somewhere that I could see my socially distancing friends and family, although now hardly seems the time. For people who do socially distanced visits, how do you find them?

      1. Sharpie*

        Mum and I went to visit my Nana the other week. She lives alone, and we took out own drinks in travel cups and sat in the garden while she stayed inside, and we talked through the open patio door to maintain the social distancing.

        It wasn’t by any means the same as being able to hug her and sit indoors with her, but it was human contact for her and she said it was good, and that it helped her not feel so disconnected. Her neighbours are really good, offering to get her things when they go to the shops, and she’s able to get her groceries delivered (she’s in her eighties, so comes under the vulnerable groups who can still get home deliveries from the supermarkets). And while we talk via Messenger, having that actual visit was really good – we’ll probably do it again next week if the weather stays nice.

    4. WS*

      I think as long as you’re not taking it out on other people (and venting here is not taking it out on others!), feeling crappy is a pretty normal part of a major global incident like this pandemic. Personally, I’m a super introvert and would love to be working at home alone…but I’m a frontline healthcare worker and am working much more than before. And my cat died.

      1. 'Tis Me*

        So sorry about your cat :(

        I hope you have adequate PPE and aren’t being crazily overworked. Please say safe!

        1. WS*

          Thanks! I’m in Australia, so I do have adequate PPE and there’s been very few cases in my area, luckily.

    5. MistOrMister*

      So sorry you’re feeling so isolated. I have been enjoying this time at home, but I realize that my cats (I’ve had them for about 7 year, so not new covid pets…) are likely making this a lot easier for me. I do feel a disconnect from people sometimes, but not that bad, thank heavens. I don’t like a lot of physical human contact anyway, but I do find myself being a little annoyed that I can’t hug my,parents should I be so inclined.

      Can you maybe go for a walk with someone to help you feel less isolated? Or meet somewhere to just sit and talk? I guess it depends on what you feel is responsible, but I am personally ok with meeting someone outside and then staying a certain distance away. And I’m at the point where I’m going to wear a mask outside if I meet anyone. I’ve gone walking with a friend a few times and it really does help a lot to see someone for even just an hour during the course of the week. At least for me it does.

    6. Vic tower*

      I’m so sorry Nessun, that sucks. I would absolutely be at my wits end without human contact and I tend to be resentful when others have things I want, even though I try very hard not to be. Sending virtual hugs

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Feel the feeling. Anger is an emotion, not an action. We have anger for a reason, just like we have tears for a reason. Whatever we feel is legit, it part of our processing. And we all process differently, even if some differences are only minor differences.
      Personally, my go-to emotion is fear. So that is what I have to process.
      Yes, we have to ride it out, but at the same time we can still follow our emotional responses and process those responses, that is to say we can feel our feelings. It’s one type of problem when people don’t understand our feelings but it is a much huger problem if we don’t understand/acknowledge our own feelings.

      So what does this look like in real life? Well, this is going to sound stupid, but you might want to try. Look at the walls and say, “I am really pissed off. I am alone. It’s NOT FAIR! And I am upset/angry about this! I HATE this isolation crap!”
      Like I said, this sounds like a really stupid exercise. The key is that we have to acknowledge what we are feeling. This is more important than having others acknowledge the suckiness of our setting. If we push the feelings to one side or discount the feelings in some manner the feelings only grow BIGGER.
      This is along the idea of mushrooms: keep the mushroom in the dark, feed them some manure and watch the ‘shrooms grow.
      Don’t keep your feelings in the dark and feed the feelings some line of manure. Pull the feelings out into the light of day and state the truth of the matter. The truth is this isolation thing sucks.

    8. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’m right with you.

      I also live alone and haven’t seen anybody other than coworkers in forever. Text, email, phone calls and Facebook just aren’t the same.

      I would love to move and get a fur-buddy. But I can barely take care of myself right now.

    9. LGC*

      Yeah, I kind of get you – and I’m not that bad off myself! (Also an Alone person, although my parents live nearby.) It’s been two months since I’ve been able to touch anyone else.

      It is pretty frustrating because…on one hand, yeah, I’ve felt miserable at times (thankfully less so now recently). But then everything I see tells me that I’m not “supposed” to feel miserable. And it’s like – at times, it feels like grieving anything is wrong because what about X. And the worst thing is, it’d be a lot easier if I knew that by – like – August we’d start to have the little comforts back. But right now, it’s like…August feels wildly optimistic. August 2021 feels wildly optimistic.

      1. Blueberry*

        You are absolutely allowed to feel whatever you feel. It’s what you *do* about the feelings that matters — punching a pillow is one thing, flaming people online is another (for examples, nto accusations). But feelings are absolutely allowed.

    10. LQ*

      I have this horrible nagging feeling that I’ll never be touched again until someone collects my dead body and it’s really aggravating to hear about like “the upside of isolation” and how you’re now spending more time on hobbies and with family and bullshit.

      Isolation is can be a torture mechanism. And people are treating it like it’s a jolly good time and you just need to happy harder if you aren’t ok.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I consider that toxic positivity. I’ve had good days and bad days, but I choose carefully who to relate to. Sadly, the only place I can truly share my feelings is here as people IRL/social media are either engaging in the toxic positivity of “happy harder!” or the pain olympics.

    11. matcha123*

      It’s really fascinating to me the different reactions people are having.
      I am like you: single, no pets, live alone, my apartment is incredibly small (21sq meters in total)…and my family is back in the US. And yet, I am having the best time of my life. I’ve been isolated from friends throughout my life because I didn’t have a car or a license, and because I live abroad and can’t afford to travel. I haven’t seen my family in years, and it sucks. And now so many people are experiencing what I’ve been experiencing and understanding first-hand how hard it can be to deal with things alone.
      I’m not saying you should suck it up, but I am really really hoping that this experience makes people MORE empathetic to those around them.

      In my case, at least, I can finally spend time on myself. I am not depressed and beating myself up as I look at photos of friends traveling. They can’t go out, either! I can finally study the things I’ve been wanting to study without having to entertain people for the sake of work. I can exercise at my own pace and don’t have to listen to snarky comments from friends telling me that should be able to do this and that. Honestly, this time has helped my mental health immensely. Knowing that other people can’t go out, they also have to cook at home, they also have to Skype their family and friends, they also have to create their own entertainment…never in my life have I had so many commonalities with the majority of people. It’s really weird.

      I hope you can get back to your normal soon. I mean that sincerely.

      1. allathian*

        At least with the exercise, I hope you’ll be able to enforce your boundaries on that. In my book, someone who makes a snarky comment is an aquaintance at best, never a friend.

        1. matcha123*

          I agree. This is a competitive person and although I am relatively fit, I know what does and doesn’t work for me. I am not interested in hearing someone who doesn’t know my body or how I work out tell me what I am doing wrong. Exercise should be a source of enjoyment, not stress…imo.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I hate that someone feels they can be snarky about exercise. I’m of the belief that any exercise is good exercise and everyone has to find the one htat works for them. I interacted with people like that but generally they were the type that snarked on a lot of “different” things so I minimized interactions with them.

    12. J.B.*

      I’m sorry. No one gets to tell you how you feel. It’s also hard because there is so much information but no solid answers about what that means for us as individuals.

  8. Aphrodite*

    TinyKittens..

    Alison, did you see the rush to Mountain View of Stella this afternoon? And the livestreaming of her C-section? I was cringing, cheering, worried and hopeful all through it. AI’m sorry Stella lost two of her kittens but the three they saved from near death are gorgeous. Watching them bring the kittens back to life was amazing.

    And Stella still seems to growl at Shelly this evening so I wonder if she somehow mistakes growling for purring. Two little families, it’s so comforting.

    1. Wandering*

      What an extraordinary group of people. Shelly said Dr F & her team came in on their day off to take care of Stella. If you go to TinyKittens Cat Pack on Facebook you can watch the csection video, but more importantly you can watch Stella with her babies, & Grace with her kittens.

    2. fposte*

      I noticed that pretty much the moment Shelly left this morning Stella’s growl turned to purring. So I think there is a difference, but I think Shelly’s assessment that the growl is about stress rather than threat seems accurate.

  9. Cute Li'l UFO*

    My wrist is doing better as I imposed a pretty serious light duty/no heavy lifting/work with it off WITH UTMOST CARE which is great because I actually had a couple busy days with my day job. I still have a couple weeks before the official “ditch it for good” and I don’t want to muck it up for myself. I even bobbed my hair. I’ve been doing my own cuts and color for 10 years now and I was just so much more comfortable with it short because it was getting tough to wash.

    My kindle is still AWOL but I hope to find it this weekend because it’s one of my strategies for getting back to sleep. I have lots to look forward to–picking up a nice dinner for Mama UFO and myself (including delicious takeout VERY STRONG cocktails) and continuing the Saul Bass centennial celebration with Casino since she’s never seen it. Trimmed her hair a couple weeks ago and now she wants some color, gave the cat a butt shave (short haired but fat and can’t reach… you see where this is going!), and I’m feeling more capable even when my wrist is in its velcro prison.

    I hate that I can’t do things like lift and move the big bucket of cat litter, move the fake boxed up Christmas tree to the garage (not just an injury thing but the suitcases we wanted to ditch are obviously not going anywhere right now,) and even putting the dishes away more than flatware/tupperware is iffy. It’s all temporary. Just like misplacing the friggin’ Kindle.

    I’m also finding fun in sharing interests and talking with someone from a dating site. Nothing is the same as meeting in person but that still brightens my day. Not sure when or how that will happen, but it will.

  10. All Hail Queen Sally*

    The Thursday (May 7) New York Times has the cutest article on how women aren’t wearing bras so much any more. “It’s Lonely, Lost in Your Bra Drawer” by Elizabeth Yuko. (Page D2) It is a letter addressed to the author from the bras in her drawer “Weeks have passed since you’ve seen one of us, and we miss you.” They complain that she chose the sports bra to wear to go downstars to check the mail, and promise to never complain again about having to hang next to the “digusting shower pouf” in the bathroom after she washes them. Do read it if you can, it is adorable. (It could have been written by my bras.)

    1. Asenath*

      I didn’t know going without a bra was a Thing! I sometimes didn’t wear one during my treatment for breast cancer, after my radiation oncologist suggested I do whatever was comfortable for me. I even went to work with no bra and loose shirts (and I am not small!) and no one blinked an eye. I now find that I’m wearing a bra less and less frequently, and no doubt my bras are also complaining about loneliness and neglect!

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      I like wearing bras, and underwire bras! Now I’m feeling like it’s Stockholm syndrome and I have identified with my captors. Since my boobs have a life of their own (DD on a 5 ft person and they move around a lot), I feel they need a home of their own.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m (relatively) smaller chested – C-ish here – and I still don’t understand the hatred of bras, haha. I haven’t willingly gone around without a bra on, even within my own home, since I was like … 14.

        1. HBJ*

          Same. It’s uncomfortable. Borderline painful, especially moving fast. And I’m overly large either.

      3. CastIrony*

        I love my Playtex bras. I’ve never gone without since I was a preteen!

        And I also feel you, Thankful for AAM. I am 5’1″ with DDs, and my bff is 5′ 1/4″ with DDDs.

        Now, maybe to try underwire bras in the future, though I’ve heard they hurt…

        1. SarahKay*

          I’m DD and I love my underwired bras. I don’t find they hurt at all, although they’re less comfortable if I lie down for a nap. But when I was introduced to them at a bra fitting event it was a revelation how much my shape improved in an underwire.
          Obviously not now, but when the shops are all open again, go and try on lots of different brands to see which ones are a good fit / shape for you. It’s also worth experimenting with cup & band size, again depending on brand. Some brands don’t suit my shape at all, and some are more generous in their measurements than others, but for me it’s underwired bras all the way now.

      4. AnonToday*

        Same here! I’m also really sensitive there and when something like a blanket brushes against or they touch the edge of the bar top counter in a thin shirt I want to throw up. I feel like bras prevent that, plus even a fast walk without a bra is painful for me.

      5. Traffic_Spiral*

        Like the old online joke goes:

        some tiny-titted binch: don’t wear bras let your titties live!!!!! i never wear bras!!!!!!!!!

        me, a godless titty goblin, made of 90% titty: i haven’t taken this bra off for forty years

      6. allathian*

        I’m 5’9″ and F. They do have a life of their own. My posture’s awful if I don’t wear my bra.

    3. Misty*

      I haven’t worn one in over two months. I also saw that article and it made me laugh.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’m not wearing one since week 2 of lockdown. My sports one is all worn out and the one I was using left and underboob blister. I’ll buy some when the shops reopen.

      1. The Messy Headed Momma*

        Both of my 3 YO Warner bras fell apart last week. I ordered some new ones from Amazon. I heard that lots of online retail shops are selling stuff at bargain prices because they are sitting on so much product. You might find some really good deals right now.

        1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

          Yeah, how do I tell you this… The only thing Amazon sells here are servers. Nobody would buy underwear online.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m somewhere in the middle, not big but not small, I guess proportional? but I hate wearing bras, they are so uncomfortable. Since I’ve been pregnant, my nipples are extremely sensitive. Putting on a bra HURTS. I beared through it while I was working but since being home, I’ve stopped wearing one. I do miss waering them sometimes.

      1. allathian*

        You may need bigger bras. I gained only about 10 lbs of weight during my pregnancy (most of that accounted for by my baby, the placenta and amniotic fluid. But my cup size went up by two. Normally I like underwire bras, but when I was in my second and third trimesters, I couldn’t tolerate them at all.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Probably. I haven’t gained much weight either, about 5-10 so far. I don’t feel like my cup size has increased though? normally I need a bigger band size and smaller cup size but it’s so hard to find the right bra during normal times that I’ve given up finding anything during quarantine.

      2. Koala dreams*

        Bodies do weird things like that. It’s a shame, I find those mommy bras (feeding bras? I forgot the name) to be most comfortable compared to many regular bras. You don’t need a small baby to wear them either, they work without baby too.

        I hope you find comfortable clothing for your body, bra or not.

    6. A Frayed Knot*

      I always wear one when I go somewhere, and while I’m working at home. Part of my transition from work to “me” time includes changing from my “work clothes” to my “comfy clothes.” Bras are definitely not “comfy clothes”!

    7. Alexandra Lynch*

      And I have a low-grade grumble about how I’m losing weight and the challenges that produces. I started this as a 40F/G some weeks. I’m now in a 38DDD, and will probably have to drop band size in a month or two, and it’s all so damn annoying…

      But my upper back and neck ache SO much if I don’t wear a bra that going without is just not an option. Half the time I sleep in a bra because of that. I’m seriously hoping that the hundred and some pounds I’m losing this year will help with that, but so far, not yet. Grr.

      1. Jules the First*

        I wish you every success with your weight loss…but don’t count on the girls getting much smaller. I lost about 15 pounds four years ago and went from a 32DD to a 30FF…

        The good news is that I have a solution to that sore back and neck when braless…the bad news is that the solution is pushups and planks. The stronger your pecs and shoulders are, the less you notice the weight of the girls, which makes more sense when you realise they’re more than a pound apiece at DD or bigger.. (Also makes them perkier, if that helps with the motivation)

        1. Alexandra Lynch*

          Nothing will fix the fall except surgery, so I’m not worried about that. (grin) I will definitely do more chest and back work when I can get back to the gym. I have a torn tendon in my ankle that does not like me doing planks.

          1. Jules the First*

            Me too on the torn tendon…they take a loooooooooong time to heal. Planks can also be done from your knees like pushups. Or, if you need more of a challenge than knees, pop your feet up flat on a wall and plank from there.

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Some more work on my fanfiction, it’s going pretty well at the moment.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’ve been on a week’s furlough from my technical writing job. The only things I have written have been to-do lists, and relatively few social media posts. I’d had plans, but my mind wasn’t concentrating. I’m starting to really understand what Rita Mae Johnson meant when she talked about taking a construction job instead of a copywriting job, to save the mental energy for her own work and let the job pay her to get physical exercise.

      2. Laura H.*

        My plunnies are hibernating…/ nothing likes me at the moment…

        But I put out some cards to friends this past week so I did write something.

    2. Tortally HareBrained*

      It’s raining!!! Real, glorious rain complete with lightning and thunder. We haven’t had a real storm in months. Had a rough few days and am more than happy to be up in the middle of the night just listening to it. Went out on my front porch to watch for a few minutes. Much needed for the ground and my mental health.

    3. Princess Deviant*

      Arglebargle, my assignment and work writing are going so slowly, like trudging through treacle :(
      My fiction writing is at a halt right now.

    4. Jedi Squirrel*

      I am almost finished with the third issue of my zine!!!!! (The completion of which was much delayed by a long depressive episode.) I just have to write some zine reviews (trades are a big thing in the zine world) and then it’s done!!!

      This makes me so happy I feel like Kermit on the Muppets going “Yaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!”

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      Doing background reading and character development. I’ve had a secondary character who is turning out so weird and interesting that she is probably going to wind up getting her own book in this world. The reading I’ve been doing to flesh out not just her but the reactions of those around her to her choices is really fascinating. I’ll name both “Discerning Spirits: Divine and Demonic Possession in the Middle Ages” and “Holy Anorexia” as really good books on the weird and wonderful ways female spirituality was manifesting in Catholic Europe in the Middle Ages.

    6. Laure001*

      Can we ask in which fandom or is it too personal in a public forum?
      My writing is doing well! I’m posting a chapter a week on A03 (which for me is a very fast rate).

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Story of Seasons (formerly Harvest Moon – anything named Harvest Moon after A New Beginning isn’t the original due to copyright shenanigans). I haven’t published any of it yet and don’t know if I will, but it’s fun to have something simply slice-of-life to work on.

        1. Laure001*

          Thank you! Fanfiction is a lifesaver, in my opinion. Good luck with your writing!

  12. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    For the record, this is not limited to video games, any game goes.
    I still refuse to let Total War get the better of me, I think I’m starting to get a grip on it.

    1. DarthVelma*

      Well, we started the next scenario for Mansions of Madness last night, but we made a tragic error. We used a different laptop for the app and set the resolution WAY too high and it overheated and crashed just as we were really starting to get into things. Sad times. We’re going to try again today with the laptop we used last week that worked just fine. Lesson learned. Always use the good tech, even if it takes up a bit more space.

      It was too late to start over at that point, so we spent some time going through some of the new-ish Magic the Gathering cards we had opened but hadn’t organized yet. I’ve got the genesis of an idea for an Arixmethes commander deck full of Krakens and Leviathans and Octopi. :-) I’m also really excited for some of the stuff in the next expansion, Ikoria Lair of Behemoths. GODZILLA! FLYING SHARKS! NIGHTMARE PANGOLINS! (Yeah, it’s going to be weird and wacky and so much fun.)

    3. GoryDetails*

      A first for me – will be attempting a short Zoom D&D game with my niblings later today, with one of them as the DM. [I’ve played D&D before – indeed, was in several games and DMed some of my own, back in the ’80s and ’90s. Introduced the kids to it too, though they didn’t get into it that much. But they’re all grown up and living in different states (and one in a different country) so it’s nice to be able to spend a little virtual face-time.]

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      Pretty good! I leveled up in my D&D campaign with work colleagues last week – I am now a level 9 (been playing since November but came in at a level 4) and we had a really fun game which involved us exploring an ice cave and defeating a dragon (with a few trolls along the way).

      I’ve also been working on developing my character’s backstory for my other D&D game – as well as the work group I play with my boyfriend and some of our friends in a separate campaign – and that’s been really enjoyable. The character creation side of things is something I’ve always loved, and it’s been nice to get back to that in various ways over the last year or so.

      Oh, and boyfriend and I started playing a campaign in Charterstone on Steam last night along with two other couples in our friendship group. For those who haven’t played, it’s a co-operative game where essentially you’re a group of villagers working to build your town, and you get points for buildings as well as hitting objectives and gaining reputation. It’s actually quite strategic but the sedate pace of it is something I quite like, and it looks utterly beautiful too.

    5. Nicki Name*

      FE3H – still on the church route, kind of disappointed how much it resembles the first route I played. I don’t mean so much in plotline, since it’s of course going to have to show the same general events from a different perspective, but I’m noticing this time through how much it reuses maps.

      Dominion Online – I saw the message about the online Dominion league and I’ve signed up. Now I need to play a bunch more 2P games so I can be properly rated by the start of the next season. I’ve been mostly looking for 3P games, or playing against the bots.

      1. Wireknitter*

        Dominion online-the bots are great for learning the cards, but they play soooooo differently from humans. I love the game, have all if the expansions except Menagerie, which is on order.

    6. Nynaeve*

      I replayed Gone Home last week (where you come “home” to your family’s new empty, abandoned house on a stormy midnight and have to explore and figure out what happened) and went down the internet rabbit hole of fan theories until 2:00 in the morning.

      Today, I just started playing the first episode of Life is Strange, and so far, it’s really interesting. You start outside in a weird storm and then cut to inside your high school classroom. Eventually, you realize you have the power to rewind time and have to try to figure out how to stop bad things from happening. But certain actions have irreversible consequences. Interesting premise and gameplay.

    7. RowanUK*

      Sims 4 and Skyrim.

      Simming is a great way to feel in control of something and Skyrim is such a beautiful game to explore with really relaxing music. Modded followers are great too – it makes it feel a bit more like a Dragon Age game.

  13. Alternative Person*

    I’m worried about a few of my favourite independent food places because as far as I can tell, they’ve closed down for at least the duration but their websites/twitters haven’t been updated since before the virus. I hope they can come back okay.

    1. Enough*

      I have a place like that. In fact it’s the first place two of my kids go to when they come for a visit. The last time my son came home I think he went there every day but Christmas.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Here too. “Our” Asian market is completely closed. (And it’s by far the biggest & best-stocked in the region…a co-worker who grew up in China drives ~60 miles to it.)

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      We used to have a thriving Mexican/Latin American part of town where you could buy just about anything, and it was gutted by the Great Recession. Only a couple of stores survived.

      It was just getting back up on its feet‒great restaurants (OMG, tacos de lengua!), a new expanded Mexican grocery (bought lots of spices there!) and carniceria, a couple of Mexican bakeries‒and now the pandemic has shut them all down. I hope they all survive, but I don’t have a lot of hope. Unlike the big chains, they are especially vulnerable.

    4. Reba*

      Me too! We are frequenting 2-3 local places for take out just to try to help keep them going. But there’s another one or two spots we are dedicated to, who we would be buying from, who are simply closed and we haven’t been able to get any news by social media or phone. :( A lot of businesses are not going to come back.

    5. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Yes! I miss my nearby Italian restaurant. Small, familiar, varied menu and reasonably priced. I miss their food.

    6. ReadingTheStoics*

      Our smalltown put up a FB group especially for independent restaurants to post what they are doing – I hope it keeps going, it’s a great thing to have a central place to see specials, etc.

    7. allathian*

      We order takeout once a week to try and support our local independent businesses. Usually pizza.

      1. bleh*

        We do this too, just in hopes they can scrape by until it gets better, and we’re lucky enough to be able to tip the service people, who were our favorite bartenders / servers in another life, really well. It’s small but it makes us feel like we’re helping hold our little community together.

  14. Tap tap tap*

    No advice needed really just a little story for commiseration :p

    I’ve done tap dance since I was 6, did all my uk exams (up to ‘advanced 2’ after which they turn into teaching exams). That was admittedly 10 years ago but I don’t think I’m *that* out of practice, and did tap classes/a couple of performances within the last year. A tap dancer I really admire posted that she was running classes and I was super excited cos some of them lined up with my timezone! Signed up for advanced and….

    That turned out to be a huge huge mistake… comedically so. I have danced all my life, including professional level training, and been in classes where I was far from the best or couldn’t quite do all the steps. But I’ve never been in a class where my brain just couldn’t handle the speed… This class was the fastest pace I’ve ever experienced and I could not keep up! (think the instructor did some very fast tap, broke it down once, and then did it 4 times the speed). I probably should have thought through the fact that such an advanced teacher would have really advanced students but I guess ‘advanced’ can mean a lot of different things!

    The advantage of it being virtual was that I could just quietly turn off my video and give up without making too much of a fool of myself… cue slight existential crisis. I was looking forwards to it so much and it felt pretty embarrassing to have to give up. But hey! I learnt what it feels like to have my brain fail on me during a dance class so that’s sort of a positive :p

    1. 'Tis Me*

      Can you sign up for an intermediate class with her instead and see if that’s a better fit?

      Also, seeing teeny people on a screen dance then doing what they do in a different space, needing to make assessments about how large a step you can take before X object becomes a hazard etc are challenges you don’t usually have when doing a class?

      1. Tap tap tap*

        Yep, if she does more I’ll sign up a couple of levels down :)

        Tap is fairly self contained (/most people inc me were dancing on a small tap board) so it wasn’t the space that was the problem, but you’re right that having it on a screen was harder! I still don’t think I would have had much luck in person though :p

    2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      That’s one of my pet peeves about many dance classes (I do ballet)! Every studio/teacher has their own scale with variations of beginner/intermediate/advanced and in my experience it’s almost impossible to know beforehand if advanced means ‘basically professional’ or ‘a good decade or more of experience’.

      Just see this as a trial class, the way you would if you were trying a new dance studio. Fingers crossed she’ll offer some classes at lower levels. For what it’s worth, with your experience I definitely also would have signed up for an advanced class!

      1. Tap tap tap*

        Thanks you’re right and that’s a better way to look at it!

        (I’m currently taking some ‘advanced’ ballet classes locally/online during lockdown and my ballet is definitely weaker than my tap :p)

      2. Jackalope*

        My dance studio has a more specific breakdown with multiple levels at what most people would consider beginning, intermediate, and advanced, and it’s so helpful! You get a much better idea of what it’s going to be like in a class.

    3. Epsilon Delta*

      That is me every time I’ve tried to dance! Like from first grade gym class learning square dance and every time since then. I can do the slow-mo version, then they switch to full speed and I am lost. My brain just can’t figure it out.

      From observing my daughter doing virtual dance classes over the past few weeks it seems like this happens a lot on the virtual classes. Not sure if has something to do with the speed of the video, or if it’s the lack of feedback between the instructor and students. But you are definitely not alone! It might have been the format and not just you.

    4. Emma*

      Commiseration. I normally do intermediate ballet at my ballet studio, so I found an intermediate ballet workout on YT (with a professional ballet dancer, so maybe that should have been a warning sign) and it was SO bad. I kept tripping, couldn’t do half the steps, and almost fell while attempting a pirouette succession that was completely beyond the scope of my abilities. It made me feel like the biggest looser. I have since found some more appropriate workouts on the internet, but it shook my confidence for doing ballet alone at home a bit – I miss the instructor’s advice and looking at the other people in the class and the barre and mirror in the studio.

      1. Tap tap tap*

        Commiserations back! Hope you regain your ballet confidence (and I’m impressed you’re even attempting pirouettes at home – my classes have moved to basically 40min of barrework plus *maybe* some port de bras :p)

        1. Jules the First*

          Curious…which ballet classes are you taking? I’m in the UK as well and would love a class that was purely barre-based (the injury that ended my career as a ballerina means travelling combinations and pirouettes are out if the question, but I can still do 95% of a good barre)

          1. Tap tap tap*

            They’re an online version of an in person class and both usually fill up I think – but look up ‘Ballet Revival’. The teacher is lovely.

    5. anon for this*

      Heh, I’m in a similar situation but with piano, almost to the letter–I started when I was six and went through a conservatory program up to the teaching level when I was a teenager. Now that it’s been over a decade since I regularly practised, it’s an interesting experience to try playing again and adjust my expectations for my skill level.

    6. Roja*

      Yes! I teach dance for a living and have also danced professionally so am using this opportunity to take new styles (tap/hip-hop) but online classes are really hit or miss. I’ve given up a few times myself.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I think it’s pretty typical with physical things like dance. If you take a break, you need to go down a level for a while, so that your body can get used to the movements again. Of course, in your case it might be the online class thing.

      I struggle with getting any movement most days, so I’m impressed with people who still have energy to dance. Keep on the good work!

    8. Tris Prior*

      I took a lot of dance when I was younger, but lately have mostly been doing dance fitness classes at my gym (which are now of course all remote via Zoom). I consider myself to be pretty good at following an instructor and matching her movements – I took bellydance for years from an instructor whose teaching methods we dubbed “follow the bouncing butt” because she’d rarely break things down. And that went OK. usually.

      But there is something about online classes that I find very difficult. Part of it is the smaller screen, being unable to see how much space a movement takes up? (That’s the best way I can explain it, I follow better when the instructor’s arm is roughly the size of my arm and not tiny and on a screen). Part of it is that there’s no mirror and the instructor faces the camera instead of facing the mirror so we are all facing the same way. I find that EXTREMELY disorienting.

      I think it makes total sense that following along – especially something intricate like tap, I did tap and it is HARD – would be more difficult right now.

  15. Tortally HareBrained*

    It’s raining!!! Real, glorious rain complete with lightning and thunder. We haven’t had a real storm in months. Had a rough few days and am more than happy to be up in the middle of the night just listening to it. Went out on my front porch to watch for a few minutes. Much needed for the ground and my mental health.

    1. The Messy Headed Momma*

      We are expecting storms on Sunday & Monday and I cannot wait!!!! Every word in your post could have been written by me.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        I’ll keep my fingers crossed you get it. Almost every time we’ve had rain in the forecast this year we get less than a quarter inch. I’m incredibly optimistic we got at least an inch last night. It rained solidly from at least 2:30-6 am!

          1. Tortally HareBrained*

            Texas. Parts have had decent rain this year, but we keep getting missed in my corner of the state.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        Snow sounds crazy to me! It was close to 100 degrees yesterday ahead of this front. The cold front dropped it into the mid 70s today.

    3. Llama Face!*

      Oh I’m jealous! I am waiting eagerly for the first springtime thunderstorm here. Instead, today we got a surprise snowfall. :(

    4. Nessun*

      I miss rain! Though we’ve had some here (never much, but some), we don’t get the crazy rainstorms I saw elsewhere in my childhood. I think when all this is over and I can travel again, I will go somewhere cool and rainy for a long, slow visit.

    5. Loves Libraries*

      Lucky you. We need rain. So far we have had a mild spring with low humidity. Know it won’t last.

  16. General von Klinkerhoffen*

    Content note: The Virus.

    (second attempt, after nesting fail)

    Yesterday (Friday 8th) was a public holiday in England*. Ordinarily we have the first Monday in May, but for this year it was pushed to the 75th anniversary of the end of the war in Europe, to permit wide commemorations and celebrations including community events and street parties.

    Then we entered lockdown. Ah.

    (* the individual nations have different public holidays and I think at least Scotland kept theirs on the usual day)

    There were still some events, mostly prerecorded or virtual, and some flypasts near big hospitals and other significant locations, and an orgy of sentimentalism on the main tv channels. Parallels were drawn between the Blitz and the current situation, along the lines of “don’t give up, we’ve come too far to come only this far”. It was sunny and unseasonably warm.

    And lots of people had street parties.

    Some people sat in their own houses and back yards with sandwiches. Some people sat literally on their own doorsteps with a cup of tea (G&T, Prosecco, beer) and waved distantly to neighbours. Some people with larger spaces in front of their houses even brought out picnics and barbecues (US: grills) and ate together-but-not.

    And of course some people ignored recommendations and restrictions altogether and had actual parties, with sitting next to each other for hours and so on.

    I am young and don’t have relevant preexisting health conditions, and the virus made me sicker than I have ever been (worse than pneumonia). It took six weeks before I had a single day when I felt even vaguely normal, and still the last symptoms were lingering.

    It is not exaggerated, it is not a hoax, and even if it doesn’t kill you it could knock you sideways for a long time.

    The messaging in the UK is problematic at the moment when you take into account vague and sometimes contradictory announcements from government and other public figures, a partisan media, social media nonsense, and a good dollop of British exceptionalism. I’m deeply frustrated.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      I got the leaflet from my government with the guidelines for phase II of lifting the quarantine. Wearing a mask is obligatory and there will be fines if people do not comply. Much more to the point.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          An important point. In the UK some hospitals /doctors’ surgeries /hospices /care homes etc are struggling to get adequate supplies.

          If a recommendation is for “face covering” then that permits cloth masks, bandanas, scarves and so on, which are more available.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I just wish that people here in the US would realize that they mean to use a bandana to make into a multi-layer mask. Not just tie it around your face like a bandit. My rainy-day backup* is an origami fold with the corners tied to a ponytail holder. The elastic keeps its layers snug around my nose and mouth. A friend who sews is mailing me a homemade one with filter pocket…might get here today if I’m lucky.
            *literally, to not risk my two real ones in heavy rain.

          2. fposte*

            The U.S. is not necessarily terminologically distinguishing between the two, FWIW. In my state “masks” are required in public places and businesses but they really mean face coverings.

        2. Chocolate Teapot*

          I’m fortunate that the government is supplying everyone with masks, but the rules state that wearing a bandana or Buff is also permitted. One of the magazines I read had instructions for sewing your own too.

        3. WellRed*

          In the US anyone with a bit of sewing skill is making masks and offering them up, often for free or cost of postage.

          1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

            I have some sewn up by talented friends. I’ve only needed to use one once, to visit the pharmacy this week.

      2. Curly*

        What government is that? There is supposed to be an announcement from the U.K. Prime Minister later today (Sunday) about the next phases. I think it’s pretty weird to make that announcement on Sunday of a long weekend especially since media reports are saying that the the next phase announced on Sunday will start on Monday, the day after. Nothing like giving people time to plan. We’ll see.

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      Same. Yesterday my neighbours were having a gathering with about 10 of them, all in very close proximity to each other, sitting around in our outdoor space all afternoon and well into the evening. They’re all young and healthy so probably won’t get (that) sick – and just to be clear this is not me wishing ill on anyone – but it really hacks me off that people like that, who feel this doesn’t apply to them, think they can do what they like. And here’s me, going out as little as possible but enough that my mental health doesn’t suffer, not having seen my loved ones in person for seven weeks, knowing full well I could walk 20 minutes up the road to see my boyfriend (friends and family are a bit too far away unfortunately) and break the rules in exactly the same way, but I’m not going to and feel terribly guilty even remotely considering it, because I’m trying so hard to be good and get through this faster so I can actually see people in person and hug them and all the rest of it. It’s so frustrating and I totally get where you’re coming from.

      1. Lizzo*

        Your frustration with the people who think the rules don’t apply to them is 100% appropriate. I’ve seen a lot of it in my neighborhood and around town as well. It’s straight up selfish behavior.
        While I’m not one to wish harm on others, I do believe in karma, and I hope karma has a role to play here.
        Keep doing what you’re doing and hang in there!

    3. Person from the Resume*

      It’s been nearly 2 months since my area went under a stay at home order. There were people seemingly flaunting it from the beginning, but I’ve seen signs that even more people are just over it and flaunting rules even more.

      My own mother invited me to visit her for Mother’s Day saying “we’re family”. She’s not dumb, but I guess she’s over it and hasn’t seen the impact of Covid on anyone she knows.

      It’s so frustrating.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Over it = last Sunday saw a group of 20 women crowding together to take a photo on a small lawn. Later saw them sitting outside in chairs closer than 6 feet. They clearly do not give a fuck.

        1. Lizzo*

          Not sure of your age @Person from the Resume, but assuming you are somewhere between 30-50…? I’ve heard and experienced firsthand there are older folks who don’t give a hoot about these rules (some “the government isn’t going to tell me what to do”, some ignorance, some “it’s a hoax/not a big deal). There are lots of young folks who also don’t give a hoot (“I’m young and healthy!”). Meanwhile those of us in the middle are yelling at all of them to STAY THE F HOME, and nobody seems to be listening. It’s like we’re the only ones with any common sense left. It’s absolutely maddening.

          1. team .010*

            This is the path to 3,000 deaths per day. The comments and actions show they really do not care.

          2. SunnySideUp*

            I’m 65 and still have all of my common sense, thanks.

            People are stupid everywhere, at every age, in every country, state and village.

    4. Akcipitrokulo*

      Without getting too much into politics… I’m in Glasgow and one of things that helps me feel more secure is how our FM is dealing with it – and it is a contrast to how I feel with the confusion from Westminster. But then concern over what happens if (when) approaches diverge. From wondering if there may be border issues to worrying that we don’t control the finances to continye furlough payments if UK gov cuts/cancels them… but having Nicola is comforting.

    5. Akcipitrokulo*

      Would it be cynical to suggest that the only parallel with the blitz is the willingness to sacrifice a city the size of Coventry…?

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Someone pointed out earlier today that although people were very happy to evacuate their children in autumn 1939, they brought them home again long before the end of the war, once they started missing them too much and it didn’t seem that dangerous in the cities.

  17. Ouazzane*

    Has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone who is dismissive avoidant? Is it worth it?

    1. Princess Deviant*

      Yes I have, and no it wasn’t worth it for me. It was hell. I have had lots of therapy to deal with it.
      How do you feel about it? You’ll never change them. Can you accept then for who they are?
      I recommend reading ‘Attached: the new science…’ This was greatly helpful for me in recognising my patterns.

      1. Ouazzane*

        Oh, damn. You needed lots of therapy, huh? Are you healed from it?

        I’m just learning about attachment theory and have armchair diagnosed the guy I’m dating as DA. He has no idea. (And apparently I should never tell him what I’ve done or send him literature about it. Lol.) His hot/cold, push/pull tendencies are very frustrating. He’s great when he’s around, but when he needs to go away and have his space, that’s when it sets off *my* anxiety. My emotional needs are not met and I’m having to self-soothe or I’d go mad. I don’t like that he can’t/won’t always be there for me or with me.

        On the other hand though, having learnt about attachment theory and seeing the connection with his childhood and what his parents were/are like with him, I have a lot of empathy for him and I’m teaching myself to accept him for who he is. I know I can’t change him per se, but I’d like to think that adapting my own attachment style to his could somehow inspire him to change? Am I just kidding myself?

        1. PX*

          I never advocate for being in a relationship where you hope to change someone. Never ever do that is my advice. Because you will spend lots of time being miserable, sad and frustrated that you are putting in effort, not getting what you want and then you start resenting them for not changing for the “better” (according to you).

          Meanwhile they are like: I didn’t sign up to be changed. Maybe I never wanted to be changed. They could be perfectly happy how they are.

          So no. Assume he is going to stay exactly the way he is. Are you willing to live with him and adapt to his style? If not, time to find someone else.

          1. Clisby*

            +1.

            Years and years (and years) ago my mother and I were talking about advice parents give, and she said her mother told her, “Never marry a man thinking you’ll change him. You won’t.” (Of course this applies to marrying a woman as well, but at the time I doubt my grandmother ever considered that my mother might marry a woman.)

            I think the best piece of advice my mother passed on was : Sometimes when you’re angry you say things you can never take back.

          2. RagingADHD*

            This. If the only way the relationship will work is

            a) Stop having needs, or
            b) The other person fundamentally changing?

            It’s not going to work in any way that is happy or healthy for you.

            Doesn’t matter if your diagnosis is accurate or not. Trying to be in a relationship with him makes you miserable.

            That’s all you need to know.

        2. Lyra*

          With the caveat that I’m not a huge fan of attachment theory personally…if you don’t believe his attachment style can be changed, why do you think yours can be? Why accept him completely as he is and put all the pressure on yourself to change?

          I think you can really like or love someone and feel a lot of empathy for them and still not be compatible. You can also make an effort together to BOTH change certain behaviors, even if they go against what’s natural to you, and try to explain and understand each other’s feelings and reactions, even when they’re different from yours, and come to compromises that make you both feel good. But it only works if both people’s feelings are valued and treated as though they’re important.

          2. Princess Deviant*

            As an aside and because I am curious – why are you not a fan of attachment theory; is there something else you prefer to explain relationship bonding, or you have your own ideas about it?

          3. Reba*

            “you can really like or love someone and feel a lot of empathy for them and still not be compatible.”

            Yes x 1000

            Even if there are good reasons why he is the way he is, even if you understand why… Ouazzane you said it right there, your needs are not being met.

          4. Ouazzane*

            Lyra – from what I’ve read about attachment theory, one can change one’s attachment style based on the circumstance, and that includes who they’re in close relationships with. For example, before I met him I was secure, but his coming and going has got me leaning towards the anxious style. (Haha. Umm…) In the beginning I would let myself be and stay anxious, but I’ve learnt to self-soothe as I said, and now I catch myself before I go too far and return to secure. So no, it’s not that I believe his attachment style cannot be changed, but rather it’s hard for him because he is not self-aware, whereas I am, so I’m more ready to adapt.

            Which brings me to what you said about making an effort together to both change. This is a very important point that I need to ponder because as I said he is not self-aware, and I haven’t breathed a single word to him about any of this because apparently that would push him even further away. So I’ve been doing all this self-soothing and self-regulating work all on my own while he’s gone off into himself, blissfully unaware of my inner turbulence. It’s a lot of work to do on one’s own…

            1. Generic Name*

              So being in a relationship with him has made you go from being secure to being insecure and anxious. It sounds like you are worse off with him than you are without him. When I was married, I learned never to turn to my husband for comfort because at best he would not be able to give it. At worst he shamed me for my feelings. My sister’s baby died and I hid my grief and bore it alone because I knew I couldn’t rely on my husband. I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone.

              1. Ouazzane*

                I’m so sorry you had to go through that loss alone. The thought of having a partner I can’t go to for comfort terrifies me.

        3. AcademiaNut*

          To be bluntly honest, if you’re going into a relationship on the premise that you can change them, or inspire them to change, you’re overwhelmingly likely to be miserable, and come out the other side wiser but scarred.

          You can have empathy for someone, you can accept them for who they are, you can understand how they ended up the way they did. That doesn’t make it any less soul suckingly miserable to be in a close relationship with someone who is only able to consider what they want and need.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Adding: Let’s say they heal. Either you help that process or you bring in help but they end up healing either way. The next thing that happens is they say, “Thanks a lot! All better now! See ya! Bye!”

            Indeed, when we help people heal their lives sometimes that requires we have to let go in the end. They continue on without us. And this happens for [reasons].

        5. Resting easier now*

          My main thoughts about relationships:
          -if your needs are not being met and your partner won’t change, leave.
          – if you think you need to change yourself to appease your partner, leave.
          – if you each genuinely want what’s best for each other, you both are willing to work on things, then you might have something worth pursuing.

        6. HQB*

          Your emotional needs are not being met; that’s literally all you need to know. Everything else is a distraction from the real issue: in a relationship, your emotional needs should be met. It doesn’t matter why, or how much empathy you have for him; this relationship is not for you.

        7. Sunflower*

          Your first few sentences said it all. Your needs aren’t being met and this guy isn’t interested in changing his behavior- that’s rarely going to lead somewhere good. I definitely have some attachment and intimacy issues I’m working through and do some of the stuff your guy is doing. If he said something like ‘you’re totally right and it’s something I’m working on- I hope we can work through it together’ you’d be in a totally different situation and I’d have different advice.

      2. Grapey*

        “You’ll never change them.” That’s not true; they have to want to change.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Huh. Reading the description, a lot of it sounds really familiar about myself. So I don’t know that I have anything useful for you – though my husband seems to be doing alright, we’ve known each other for seventeen years, dated/engaged for four total and then married for two and a half – but I may read more about this concept.

    3. Jessie*

      What is your own attachment style – secure or anxious? And is this a new relationship?

      I’d second reading Attached. I did when I started seeing my ex. There is a bit where it says if you have an anxious attachment style and you’re considering a relationship with an avoidant person…basically don’t do it. I ignored that, continued the relationship for several years, it was hellish and I still feel scarred by it to be honest.

      I’d say if you’re asking the question, the answer it’s not going to work for you. I’m sorry – I didn’t want to hear that myself at the time, but in retrospect I wish I’d taken the advice.

      1. Ouazzane*

        Jessie – I’m secure, but admittedly being with him is turning me anxious. We’ve been dating since January.

        You might be right that it might not work. It’s really a lot of work to shoulder alone.

        1. allathian*

          That much work this early in the relationship? Maybe worth taking a step back from the relationship and him. I don’t mean that you have to go no contact all of a sudden, but you hadn’t been dating for very long when COVID started messing with all of our lives.

    4. allathian*

      It wasn’t worth it for me. We were basically stuck in a vicious feedback loop for ages, because I’m quite confrontational in my private life. At work, I obviously have to tone it down somewhat, but I can’t deal with people who refuse to engage (in a conflict or otherwise). One of my exes, my first serious boyfriend, was extremely conflict avoidant, to the point that I tried to provoke him into an argument and he’d just withdraw into himself. I dated him for about two years, although if I’d been even slightly more experienced at dating, I would have dumped him after three months. I was more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend than with him, and I kept trying for far too long.

      1. Ouazzane*

        Allathian – I’m the same as you. I’m confrontational as well and can’t deal with people who are conflict avoidant. I always want to hash things out, find a solution. So him being like this and me not leaving (yet) and deciding instead to modify my natural confrontational self ~ to suit him ~ is very exhausting.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I hope that this subthread is a manifestation of you typing out the obvious reasons to leave, seeing them in black and white, and following through. Nothing you have written seems to argue for staying with someone you’ve known for mere months who is making you anxious and insecure.

        2. allathian*

          It is very exhausting. I ended up having to go to therapy every two weeks for about a year, because being in that relationship was literally giving me depression. It’s been 25 years, so I was in my early twenties when it happened. I had to take a break from college for a year because I just couldn’t deal with my studies (luckily I’m in the Nordics where tuition up to a Master’s degree is free). When I felt a bit better, going back to college got me on my feet again.
          I started therapy before I dumped my ex, and it was really funny how quickly I started to feel better after that decision. For a few months, I tried to provoke him into leaving me, but now I’m glad it didn’t work, because this way, I had to own my decision to leave him and couldn’t give anyone else either the blame or the credit.

          1. Ouazzane*

            That sounds so, so rough. So glad that those days are behind you. I’m sitting with myself and working up the courage. Thanks very much for sharing your experience with me.

    5. families!*

      Honest question, does the label matter? You describe some behaviors this person has, and how they affect you negatively, they seem to be a red flag at least. I am not sure we need a label to decide whether or not to continue dating, I often find it confuses things because then I stop looking at me and my feelings/reactions etc. (even parsing out whether or not I am reacting to him or to past events, but that is *my* work to do), which I think need to be the basis on which I decide my life.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This.
        When I met my husband, I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. I had “life stuff” going on and it was a difficult time for me. So I felt that if I found someone they had to have Courage. Well along comes my future husband and life crap was flying all over the place. The guy did not flinch, he did not break stride. Whatever was going on today was okay, we’d just work through it, that’s all. And it went this way for years. I had to marry the guy because he had the skills it takes to get through life. When life isn’t hard that is because it’s down right impossible. I couldn’t be with a person who did not understand life is a lotta work.

      2. Washi*

        Yeah, if this is a new relationship and you’re already feeling frustrated, anxious, and debating who should change more…that’s not a great sign, regardless of what any attachment theory has to say about it.

        I think the phrase “relationships take work” often leads people astray in framing serious conflicts as things you can get over if you just work hard enough, and in reverse, that if you say “nope” and walk away, you are being lazy/selfish. My marriage is work in the way that practicing an instrument you love can be work. Consistency is hard, and it can be boring and repetitive at times, but also meaningful, satisfying, and joyful. I would never make a ruling on what changes you should/shouldn’t change for a partner (I am always working on patience and communication in particular) but ultimately, it’s something that should feel good and right to you.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          In marriage, I think there’s a concept of accumulated capital–we have been partners a long time, you have seen me through some rough challenges, I will dig deep and try hard when things look iffy. We have a shared life, that you worked with me to build, that I will work to try to preserve.

          None of that is relevant when you’ve been dating a few months. It takes a lot of history–and should!–for “this is tough, time to quit” to transform to “this is tough, time to double down.”

      3. Ouazzane*

        Families! – You’re right. Red flags are red flags no matter which lens you look at them from. I really should put myself and my needs first…

        1. Generic Name*

          Yes! It’s not selfish to have needs. It took me a long time to realize this.

    6. Parenthetically*

      I had a dismissive-avoidant roommate (she came by it honest, with an NPD/schizophrenic mother) and it was a freaking NIGHTMARE. I cannot imagine being in a romantic relationship with one, unless they had already done a TON of work on themselves.

    7. Princess Deviant*

      Heirloom counselling blog has lots of lovely articles on avoidant attachment. I find them very helpful, but with an avoidant partner they need to want to work on themselves to meet you half way.

    8. Generic Name*

      Yes. No.

      To elaborate, I was married to a man for 17 years who dismissed my feelings as “stupid” (with a giant side of “and you’re a bad person for having those feelings”) and avoided, well me. He could not express his needs directly and honestly. He avoided intimacy. He would give me the silent treatment as punishment. He grudgingly accepted my constant attempts at affection but never returned them. And when he told me he had no romantic feelings for me, I told him I would stop providing him with physical affection (hugs, kisses, pats on the leg, whatever). He seemed surprised that I didn’t want to give him a hug when I went on a work trip mere days later.

      If you decide to move forward with this person, they will never change. If it’s early in a relationship, know that this is likely this person’s best behavior and if anything, they will get more dismissive and more avoidant as time goes by. Someone who doesn’t give a shit about your feelings now will not suddenly start to care later on.

      Your intuition is telling you something isn’t right. Listen to it. You can do it.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I haven’t read the book, and I’m not a psychologist. But what if he doesn’t have any kind of disorder?

      What if he is completely self-aware and just truly doesn’t want the same kind of relationship you do? What if he values his space and independence, and is unwilling to commit to the level of emotional intimacy you want?

      In other words, would you stay with him if there was no “project” and nothing to fix?

      Because it kinda sounds like this attachment theory stuff is you looking for reasons to stay in an unhappy relationship. You don’t have to.

      1. Ouazzane*

        RagingADHD – Daaaaamn. Never thought of it that way. If he doesn’t actually have a disorder, if he is actually is self-aware and just unwilling to commit, if there was no project and nothing to fix, then this relationship sucks and I’d be dumb for trying to find any good in it.

        Oh, this is a hard one. I gotta have a talk with myself. Thank you for leading me here. xx

  18. Chocolate Teapot*

    This Week’s broken Washing Machine Update.

    The majority of shops are opening again on Monday, so I will be going to select my new washing machine. My only concern is that either there will be a delay in supplying it (have washing machine factories been in lockdown too?) or it will take a while to organise delivery and installation.

    At least I have the self-service laundrette!

    1. ReadingTheStoics*

      I also have a sub-performing washing machine…it has been running, but not agitating, and thus the clothes do not get clean (or even fully wet!). In sheer obstinacy of feeling hostage to an expensive not-that-old-and-why-needs-so-much-computerization appliance that would be difficult to get serviced in my rural area even before everything shut down, I have been washing clothes entirely by hand for a month, and it’s not that bad! Definitely the laundry is cleaner.

    2. Chaordic One*

      These newer “high-efficiency” (HE) washers that do not have agitators and that use less water don’t seem to get clothes as clean as the older machines, and the wash cycles take a lot longer than the older machines that had agitators. (I wonder if the reduced amount of water used is offset by their using more electricity since they see to take twice as long to do a load compared to an old-fashioned machine.)

      In my machine if I don’t interevene it seems like the amount of water in the cycle never rises high enough to even cover all of the clothes and some of the clothes just seem to float on top of the water and never get washed. I have to manually adjust the water level settings on my machine to “high,” because when I leave it on “automatic” it doesn’t use enough water to rinse the clothes. And then it automatically resets to “automatic” when the load is finished. Do some research and read reviews online and in consumer magazines (such as “Consumer Reports” in the U.S.) before you buy.

      It seems like many large appliances, such as washers and dryers, are now imported from China (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and I would imagine that breaks in the supply chain because have probably delayed shipments of new appliances.

  19. Fikly*

    I met with a new doctor last week. I tend to refer to this as doctor roulette – I never know if it’s someone who is game for the challenge of my medically complex self who will listen to me and treat me as an individual, or someone who will passively try to kill me.

    This guy seems delightful. I am so optimistic. I ended up having to have another appointment with him this week when something that seemed minor last week turned into a bigger issue, and the first thing he asked was “Had this been going on last week and I missed it? I’m so sorry!”

    I hadn’t even mentioned it, because if I mentioned everything that hurt, it would have been a two hour appointment. Which I explained, and we talked about what things I should tell him, but ugh, it was so nice to hear that kind of concern!

    He was also talking about what might potentially be wrong, and suggested two different things (one involving ribs, the other involving the muscle between the ribs) and I said, why can’t it be both, my body tends to go for it, and his response was that with most people, it’s just one thing, but with my body’s history, having both things wrong is plausible. I love him more than I should already.

    1. Might be Spam*

      Congratulations on finding your doctor. I’m need a new doctor because my insurance changed and I am not looking forward to it.
      Doctor Roulette is a good name for the search.

      1. Fikly*

        I moved last year – it will be a year in July – and I am almost done replacing all of my various doctors. I have 15+ specialists, so I have not enjoyed this process at all, and it will take some serious incentive to get me to move far enough that I need to change all of my doctors again.

        1. Jackalope*

          My insurance sends me to a clinic that has multiple doctors. I can specify just one but then that means frequent excessive waits, whereas if I go see whoever is available then it’s fairly quick. I have one doctor who is the only one I will see for her specific specialty but otherwise it changes almost every time. Most of them are fine but it still has that doctor roulette feeling!

        2. Jackalope*

          My insurance sends me to a clinic that has multiple doctors. I can specify just one but then that means frequent excessive waits, whereas if I go see whoever is available then it’s fairly quick. I have one doctor who is the only one I will see for her specific specialty but otherwise it changes almost every time. Most of them are fine but it still has that doctor roulette feeling! Every now and then I’ll get one that just doesn’t work.

    2. Oxford Comma*

      That’s fantastic! It makes such a difference when you get the right doctor! Glad things are looking up.

      1. Fikly*

        It’s amazing what a difference just being listened to can make in how you feel! Thanks!

    3. Resting easier now*

      I’m envious! And happy for you!
      In my area we can’t change docs because no one is accepting new patients (not enough docs to go around).
      My doc, every time I saw him for the first 4 years, asked if he’d seem me before…

      1. Fikly*

        The doctor shortage is a real problem.

        I’m very curious to see if so many doctors and practices being forced, essentially, to rapidly find a way to make telemedicine work will have the long-term effect of there being much more telemedicine available, because it can be so useful in making medical care available to people who live in areas without enough doctors.

        There was a really interesting article I read in the last year about essentially a telemedicine ER doctor service, where experienced ER doctors in urban areas are on call for rural ERs that often don’t have doctors, or have doctors who don’t see complex cases/traumas hardly at all, and when the rural ER gets a complicated case, they video call the on call ER doctor, who then can help with both their opinion, and talk them through procedures they may not have done in years, like intubation. I thought that was a brilliant idea.

        Obviously not all care can be done remotely, but an awful lot can!

    5. EDS Zebra here*

      When I moved across the country I ended up with “Dr. Roulette.” It was so disheartening. Finally the disabilities services rep at my university recommended my present physician. Good news, bad news. We shoot the shit and laugh a lot about the absurdity of my body in space. Tore my rotator cuff in PT. Dislocated my hip turning over in bed. Torn ligaments in my hand picking up a grocery bag. Super fun was my “fake heart attack” costochondritis and esophageal spasms that also mimic the exact symptoms of a heart attack. The there is the deep bone pain so bad that I can barely breathe. The bad news. He is retiring.

      1. Might be Spam*

        I’m sorry that things are so rotten for you. Maybe you can get a list of potential doctors to show your current doctor. He might be able to recommend someone with his care giving style.
        Good luck.

  20. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Wondering what other parents are thinking about summer camps and kids.

    1. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      I’m kind of expecting they’re not going to happen (NH,USA), but also wondering. I haven’t done a lot of research yet, but expect that if any of the more responsible summer camps do open up, I’ll be doing a lot of research on what the risks actually are with groups of kids running around together.

    2. Tortally HareBrained*

      I don’t want to turn this into a work thread, but can promise you many camps are still trying to figure out if they can/should have camp and what it could look like. Lots of conversations happening all over the country amongst professionals in the field.

      I know we are weighing the balance between the benefits for kids and as a childcare option- but if we can make it safe enough for kids and staff at our small site that runs day camps.

      1. Enough*

        I’m hoping that college soccer camps will be available. My daughter has coached at one for the last five years and as she has a new graduate degree with no job yet this will get her some money with minimal cost to get there as it’s only two hours from our house.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      My nieces three options (all over night) are canceled this year as of last week.

      Biggest problem, the camps get workers from all over the world, and out state. They said social distancing teen agers would be impossible. Running the camp at 1/2 capacity wasn’t worth it.

      Even my city summer programs (ones that could do it) are virtual for the summer.

      Even her music lessons have been virtual. We were told this will continue this way through to September.

    4. Book Lover*

      A lot of Jewish summer camps have been canceled, the overnight ones. Daycares are opening back up. I am not sure what I can do since I have to work. I don’t want any of us to get sick. This situation sucks.

    5. Epsilon Delta*

      I think it will be incredibly hard on working parents and kids if all summer camps are closed and we still aren’t allowed to see anyone who doesn’t live with us.

      I am refusing to think about that possibility until/unless it is upon us, because it’s hard enough to get through the days as they are now, with a semblance of structure.

    6. Generic Name*

      Ugh. No idea. My son is 13, so he can be on his own during the day, but I’d like for him to be able to do things with other kids outside the house at least occasionally. In the past I’ve sent him to “teen camp”, but no word if that’s even an option this summer. Ugh.

    7. Onebitcpu*

      Canoe tripping camp leader was supposed to be my child ‘s last summer job before college. So far the camp is waiting to see what the provincial goverment and national associations decide.

    8. Lindsay*

      Here in southern Maine, our town day camp is going to open (at like 25 percent capacity.) I run a before and after school program for them during the school year and I do summer camp in the summer for them. I will be expected to work at camp when it happens.

    9. Nita*

      No. No no no no no. I mean, I’d sell a kidney for someone to get the kids out of my hair on a regular basis, and I’d sell my other kidney if that would let them see their friends, but that’s beside the point now. The latest info here in NYC is that kids can develop really bad complications and even die of this stuff. And just like with adults, I bet there’s no easy way to tell who’s at risk.

    10. Luna*

      The school district where I work, as well as others in the area, are still posting open summer school positions, but in my district they are not yet moving forward with hiring for those programs (which would normally have happened already; last year I was hired in April for a summer program starting in July). Ditto for summer programs/camps that are partnerships between the school district and other organizations. However, our governor is trending towards not publicly announcing policy changes until it’s absolutely necessary/as close to the target date as possible, so I’m not looking at the lack of announcement about in-person camps/summer school/etc. as a sign that those things won’t happen.

    11. J.B.*

      My state has said that day camps will be allowed as long as there is social distancing. I have no idea if the camps I already registered for will happen but if they do my younger child will be there.

    12. BeadsNotBees*

      This is actually my industry! My state never closed childcare facilities and we were considered “essential” (our local health department actually BEGGED us to remain operating, and we are fortunate in that we are established enough in the community that we could remain open with the reduced income of only essential workers – many were not so lucky). We have been enrolling School Age children (in small class groups) in our facilities, and the school district operated camps are still going to run, just with different social distancing measures and more stringent hygiene practices.
      Granted, we are not a “hot spot” like those in NYC or other areas, but I was surprised childcare wasn’t considered an essential function/business in so many states. For many people, no childcare = no work or income. Many families and single parents simply do not have another option during this time of family members or personal nannies – they need a licensed center that accepts subsidy funds and works with their schedule. Our county actually surveyed essential workers to see how closing facilities would impact the workforce, and health officials decided they would lose too many nurses, healthcare workers, and critical infrastructure employees if they closed the licensed centers.

  21. MistOrMister*

    Has anyone discovered that an author they like is still writing and was surprised?

    I got a kindle notification that Caroline B Cooney is coming out with a book called “Before She Was Helen”. I think I will do a pre-order to be supportive. It seems like it will be interesting. I never did read her milk carton book, but I read two vampire books by her when I was a kid. Nostalgia kicked in and I’m re-reading one of them right now, called “Deadly Offer” on my kindle but I think it’s one of those books that has multiple titles. I could swear the print version i had years ago was called something like “The Cheerleader”. I’m enjoying the book, but I will say with the benefit of age there are a lot of times where I’m thinking at the protagonist, why are you doing this, why are you not asking more questions, this is not an appropriate response to your teenage angstiness!!! But it’s all in good fun.

    1. Claritza*

      I haven’t read it in ages but I recommend The Face on the Milk Carton. Looking it up to get the correct title I learned that it became a series of books, was made into a movie, and that child experts felt that faces on milk cartons scared children.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Whoa total blast from the past! I remember reading these as a kid, even watched the movie! I didn’t know she was still writing.

      2. Lizzo*

        I remember “The Face on the Milk Carton”! I did a book report on it. Thanks for the blast from the past!

    2. NeonFireworks*

      I’ve read a couple of her recent ones and they’ve been excellent. Especially enjoyed “Three Black Swans.”

    3. fposte*

      I love Caroline Cooney. She’s never really been awards fodder but she’s extraordinarily readable, absolutely in touch with young impulses (she was the first author to catch the obsessiveness of texting), and solidly in favor of family support; often there’s a scene in a Cooney book were an adult or several adults totally Show Up for the kids, and it warms my heart.

    4. Fikly*

      Not quite the same, but I was shocked when I found out that Elizabeth Moon had, decades later, gone back to a series she wrote and started writing more. I figured she was never going to write more in that series (The Deed of Paksenarrion) and was delighted to discover otherwise.

      2. Jackalope*

        I really like the Paladin’s Legacy series, too. Paks is great, but it was fun learning about all of the other characters and how they changed and what they did. Especially Arvid – I’m always a sucker for a good redemption story.

    5. knead me seymour*

      This isn’t really the same thing, but I tend to like authors who always take a good decade or more to finish a book (no judgment–writing is hard) and so I’m always taken by surprise when a new one comes out.

      1. Claritza*

        My favorite delay – Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine (I read it around 1968, loved it and now don’t remember a thing about it) followed by Farewell Summer published in 2006, nearly 50 years later!

        1. Jackalope*

          I just read Dandelion Wine this year and really enjoyed it. Such delightful writing. It didn’t have a story so much as capturing the sense of late boyhood in the early 1900’s; it was the feel of it that I loved.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      OOo I loved Caroline Cooney! Makes me want to read her books again.

      I am now nostalgic for RL Stine, Lois Duncan, Lois Lowry and Anne M Martin.

    7. Emily*

      I recently discovered that Bruce Coville, one of my childhood favorites, has a well-maintained website and seems to be an all-around good guy. I don’t think he’s quite as prolific these days, but he has published a few things in the last decade!

      Diane Duane, too – I eventually lost interest in the Young Wizards series, but I think the first few were brilliant. I also think it’s interesting that she re-released some of her books in recent years with minor updates to the writing and technology (and in one case, I believe she changed her portrayal of an autistic character to reflect a more complete and nuanced understanding of autism that she had gained since she first wrote about him).

      1. Bibliovore*

        Just needed to say, yes, Bruce Coville is not only a terrific storyteller, he IS a really nice guy. Not a close personal friend but in the course of my work took a few meals and have been to a few events with him. Kind and considerate with a great sense of humor.

  22. Seeking Second Childhood*

    How does your garden grow? I am kicking myself because I forgot to put out the frost protection last night and we got snow. Just a dusting, but many spring blooms won’t happen. The flowering cherry had just started opening its buds this week. My long-sought miniature bleeding heart had already died back to the ground once with a previous unexpected frost. But I had cleaned off some aphids from over wintered lilies & a dahlia and even up against the side of the house like they are, I think this was too cold for them. I’m distressed for my town’s orchards too.

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      I hope it’s early enough in the season for things to recover. For once my procrastination worked in my favor; I had meant to plant the vegetable garden last week but never got around to it so it was easy to toss a tarp over the flats on the back porch.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had my husband bring my tub of baby strawberry plants into the garage overnight, and quite pleased I did so, because it was 28 when I woke up :P I still have a cherry tree and a peach tree I’m a little worried about, and two raspberry bushes.

      Most of the front garden is getting rebuilt (this weekend, actually!) so it’s not planted yet – that’s going to be mostly rhododendrons and hostas, I think. Right now, it’s two rhodies, a ton of stupid dandelions, and a couple patches of volunteer green onions. :)

    3. Parenthetically*

      EVERYTHING is in so everything got covered up — it was a sea of sheets and tarps. Got down to 29 last night, a new record for the area.

    4. Ali G*

      Luckily it stayed above freezing here, so while no one is happy, I think everyone is going to survive. We just paid a ton of money to have our front garden redone and of course I just put my peppers in the ground last weekend. It’s not supposed to get so cold again thankfully! I hope your buds survive!

    5. LQ*

      I decided that a deal on an aerogarden for my studio apartment was worth it. I also figured out a solutin for the click grow one I have. So now I have 2 options and I’ve got lettuce, some herbs and tomatoes. So far everything has at least sprouted and I’m happy about that. I need to look into why my aerogarden is turning off during the day when I’m at work, I think I didn’t set up the lights on the right schedule and need to get that worked out so I can leave it alone. (I also LOVE the light from these as a part of my wake up morning routine.)

    6. Natalie*

      It’s chilly here this weekend and I saw some speculation is might lightly snow tomorrow, which isn’t normal. I really hope it doesn’t because all the spring flowers and flowering trees are out and it’s doing wonders for my spirits. All of our perennials are coming up nicely and when it warms up again I’ll put annuals in the boxes.

    7. Anonymath*

      We’re having a cooler late spring than normal, so my kale and collards are still happy, but my hot weather peppers and melons are less than thrilled. I figured out my cucumbers weren’t sprouting because part of my passion fruit vine was blocking the sprinkler from watering the cucumber area. Passionfruit has been trimmed and cucumber seeds replanted. Hopefully they’ll sprout this time. My ginger is sending up its leaves so I can now see how far it’s spread and where I should dig next.

      1. ReadingTheStoics*

        I’m trying to start ginger for the first time! Are they very slow to get going? I think it’s been three weeks since I put the knobs in pots.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          They like it hot, so if you’re lucky they’re just waiting for warmth. But some imported for food get treated so they won’t sprout….did you buy it from a grocer?

          1. ReadingTheStoics*

            Yes – good to know it might not work at all…but we are waiting for warm temps here too. I chose a hand that seemed to have some sprouts on it, so fingers crossed.

    8. KoiFeeder*

      I have been overcome by the absurd desire for a tree. I’m in grad school, in the grad apartments, but nope. Brain wants tree and it wants tree NOW.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Brain specifically only wants weeping willow tree. Or maybe a weeping mulberry.

          Brain is irrational.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              They’re my favorite trees- although the reason may be a bit weird!

              I mean, part of it is because they’re gorgeous and nice to sit under… and part of it is because the weeping willow on my middle school campus was my favorite reading tree and the day I was supposed to have an exam that had been sprung on us the day before, it broke into the sewage line and closed the campus for a week. I still think it did that to help me, which is childish but makes me happy to believe.

              1. pancakes*

                Wow! The first weeping willow in my life was on my grade school grounds but it never did anything like that for me! There was a beautiful one in a community garden in my neighborhood that had to be cut down a couple years ago and people held a wake for it. I’ll drop a link in a separate reply.

                1. KoiFeeder*

                  That’s an excellent name for a beautiful willow. And 41 years old! That’s pretty cool.

          2. Natalie*

            Well, there’s always bonsai. Although it looks like weeping willow bonsai is a little tricky to take care of.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              Bonsai is fascinating and objectively an artform and I’m pretty sure that the people who can do it have innate qualities that I personally lack.

              1. Natalie*

                It looks like you can buy one pre-bonsaid and it’s not as much as I would have expected. But I honestly have no idea what’s required to keep it bonsai-y

              2. pancakes*

                They’re a little tricky, in my experience. I grow all sorts of plants and have for years, but the hinoki cypress bonsai I got from target didn’t last more than 6 months. I’m not sure exactly why. It’s possible that despite the soil having fertilizer mixed in, it was more slow-release than I thought, and I ought to have fed it.

                1. pancakes*

                  The more I read the more convinced I am that was partly the cause of its death, with the other part being my failure to prune it — that would’ve let the lower parts get enough light.

    9. ReadingTheStoics*

      We had a full April of glorious gardening weather – soaking rain during the week (important for messing about in heavy clay), and lovely sunny weekends, with the satisfying result of having got through a LOT of the gardening list! My favorite exercise is moving things around in the yard, and I’m nearly completely through everything I can think of…which is just in time to switch to home demolition/repair. It’s been absolutely lovely having no social pressure to go anywhere during spring garden season, and the results really show. Which unfortunately motivates me towards hermit behavior by choice.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Thanks for the reminder of how much weeding and garden spring prep I did before this on seasonal cold snap hit. I have a very long terraced area that I’m reclaiming. Six foot square stretch has both (!) layers of landscaping cloth out. Same at the other end has been weeded back to bee balm and rudbeckia. In between is getting the worst weeded so I can dig out more landscaping cloth… I need to dive into hot composting (so to speak) with all the crummy weediness. I pulled at least 20 thistles. I also have spent so many lunch breaks and warm afternoons pulling mint that I think I have beaten back the nasty tasting patch. (The peppermint is fine, this transplant from my old house we’ve dubbed the ‘disappoint-mint’ or the ‘excre-mint’.)

    10. Clisby*

      Tomatoes, basil, and cilantro doing great. Peppers were looking a little peaked, but are doing better since I applied MiracleGro.

      For my kitchen window garden, orchids, pothos, and my leftover Christmas poinsettia are flourishing.

    11. Venus*

      I am eating asparagus from the garden!! I am really pleased that it continues to come up every year. My roses, rhubarb, garlic, and raspberries survived the winter. My daffodils are blooming, and the tulips are close.

      I have maybe 100 tomato seedlings and all are doing well. Many leaves are a bit yellow, but more sunshine and plant food has helped. I had them outside in the sunshine earlier this week, but we have had snow every day for a few days so they won’t be outside until Wednesday at the earliest. Yet I feel optimistic that I will be able to keep them alive and healthy until they can be planted outdoors, and my friends and family will enjoy the extras.

      Seeking Second Childhood: Thanks for posting. I try to do it early, but I’m usually asleep when the free-for-all goes up, and when I wake up and go online there are often already a lot of posts. Yesterday I searched for ‘garden’, saw your post, and then decided to enjoy a lovely morning offline.

    12. Loves Libraries*

      I didn’t plan to have a garden this year because I was supposed to have left for 15 days in France yesterday. When the lockdown happened, I needed a garden to keep me busy. So far it’s looking great due to our mild spring. We need more rain for the garden to keep flourishing. Have tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, peppers and squash.

  23. Curious*

    This is my first time writing on a weekend open thread!

    At the end of summer, I have a milestone birthday coming up. I have had an amazing life thus far- married, kid, healthy extended family, friends, reaching professional goals, travel….. there is a lot in life I still want to do! I decided I’m going to write out all I want to do over the next few years in a journal of sorts. I think I’m 10 years it will be fun to look back upon and say I did that! Especially since I’m up to a point where my goals are becoming more and more “fun” goals.

    The thing I’m “struggling” with is I have no idea how to organize this journal. Some of my goals have sub goals to accomplish the main goal; some can be tracked in excel others are better in word; Do I do a journal by date or by each goal.

    I’m excited to start this but I’m trying to think of a way to record my adventure! Any ideas, resource or book recommendations?

    1. Misty*

      I would organize it by each goal and then you could put the sub categories under each one?

      Congrats on the birthday!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I have a lot of little books for this and that. There’s passwords, homemade cleaners, home fixes for minor health stuff, etc. The way I organize them is by thinking about how I will use the information. It’s an evolving system, sometimes I have to get a new little book and start over because my first pick for a system did not work out.

      In your example, perhaps consider doing the journal by goal and then having a section at the back that shows the date for each goal. So the dates and goals are just a chart, but the goal page itself goes into specifics. On your date and goal chart you could have a section at the end for goals that have no set dates. If you are using excel, you can add in new dates as you create them and move the goal out of the undated section. If you are using a hand-written chart you can just add a date when you need to.

      I think start the journal and just plan that you will change it later on once you see how it’s going.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        I agree with just starting in one notebook, and as you go, it will become clear what format you need. I keep a journal to write about my day to day, and have since I was small. At some point, I added a notebook with my to do list/ wish list- so more of a planner. After I had kids, I realized that I wanted a separate notebook for writing the kids’ milestones, so I started a new one for that. Then I started a separate notebook to track my books/movie/theatre consumption.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      Leave the first page blank and jump in with whatever you think of first. You can tie yourself into knots over the “best” way to organize and never get started. If you really wish you’d done it differently, you can cut and paste what you’ve already written into your new system.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      This makes me think of a recent Captain Awkward post, so I’ll draw on that and suggest something like:
      1) Make columns. In Column 1, things you want to do. Large, small, work, fun, dinner tonight–it all goes here.
      2) In Column 2, why this is important to you.
      3) In Column 3, time needed.
      4) In Column 4, other things needed.

      Like, to do an international trip you need a passport, which takes 2 months, and you might want to be in shape for a lot of walking, so starting an exercise program or seeing a PT about that knee before that. Column 2 might suggest some through-lines that surprise you.

      This wouldn’t be the last step, just a first outline that led to “Ah, I need to make this chronological” or “Hmm, splitting this into complex and one-step would help” or any other insight into how best to get different plans with different time scales into motion.

    5. ronda*

      take a look at “John Locke’s method for common place book” and see if you think it would work for you.

      I heard about it in a book I was reading, but have never tried it.

  24. Financial Disaster*

    I posted some time ago (August) about considering bankruptcy or a consumer proposal (as someone guessed, I’m in Canada). We probably should have filed for bankruptcy a year before that. We remained overwhelmed with debt so we should have filed for bankruptcy
    (as many people advised) after I posted that comment. Well, long story short we didn’t file (combination of dread/shame/procrastination about filling in the forms), things have gotten worse, and it’s now pretty much inevitable that we are going to end up either in bankruptcy or with a consumer proposal.

    Due to my husband just coming off a couple months of work, right now we have some cash in our company (the nature of his work means that he has to run as a subcontractor through our company). Due to the crisis in his industry plus covid, there’s virtually no chance he’ll be working again before September. We have a big company expense coming up in about a month, and about a third of this money is going to be used to cover it. The amount of money isn’t remotely close to enough to pay off our debt, but it would probably be enough to pay that expense, and then continue to pay our regular company monthly expenses and provide my husband with a low wage (as in minimum wage level low) until July or August.

    So I’m concerned that if I send the paperwork to the trustee this week, the value of the company is going to include the amount of cash sitting in the bank, even though we have expenses that have to be paid out of it. Should I hold off on the bankruptcy papers for another month so we can at least get that big expense paid, which would also decrease the value of our company? Or do I just take that into account myself when I provide the trustee with the value of our company?

    A complicating factor is that two of our credit cards have been delinquent since September. We were getting multiple calls daily from them, but last week those calls stopped. We owe a lot of money, so I know that’s not them giving up. I’m concerned that this might be a sign that they are about to sue us, which means I’d no longer have any option to wait – I’d need to get moving with the trustee to put a halt to a lawsuit.

    Anyone with experience who could tell me how the company would be treated in a bankruptcy would be appreciated. I also would be grateful for any insight about what we might expect from the creditors next if we don’t file with the trustee right away.

    I know I should have dealt with this sooner, but I’m really struggling with this (I’ve rewritten this comment four times to try to take out most of the anxiety and emotion and just ask the question).

    1. Financial Disaster*

      And it’s not lost on me that I just spent half the night writing and rewriting this comment when I could have spent that time actually working on the bankruptcy forms. Argh.

        2. Dan*

          Yes. This a great group of people who have lots of knowledge and advice on lots of topics… but first and foremost, when one needs true professional advice, one should seek it from a professional and not from random strangers on the internet.

          Nevermind that the readership here is US-centric, so the odds of getting anything useful at all from a Canadian perspective are quite low, especially given the time OP spent writing (and rewriting) the post.

    2. JC Books*

      I have no business advice but want to reach out and let you know that we filed for bankruptcy and lost our home to foreclosure in 2019. Getting thru it will be hard, scary, emotional, and overwhelming. Words can’t describe the relief I feel almost a year later. The lawyer most likely will just professionally help you. They have seen it all. I had so much shame but life happens and you will be ok on the other side of this mountain. Today we are in a better place. Huge answers to prayer. I now have a closed in porch that is sunny all day! Being cozy and safe during the Covid Crisis makes me especially grateful. You will feel so many bricks off your back. Knowledge is power. Look forward not back! surround yourself with a trusted friend that will listen and can be trusted with your most vulnerable fears. Hugs!!!! You will be okay!

    3. leukothea*

      Sounds like you need experienced professional help for this tangle. Best of luck in sorting things out.

    4. Canadian commenter*

      I’m a Canadian. Have you tried your provincial credit counseling service? To get the contact info, in most (all?) provinces, call 211 to access info on all of the non-profit/government/health care/charity services, including financial counselling. So these will be free or low-cost options. Services can include negotiating with creditors to reduce overall debt amounts, and make payment schedules more reasonable, as well as advice on steps for bankruptcy. Good luck!

    5. A Cat named Brian*

      I don’t have legal advice but I did end up filing for bankruptcy after my divorce. Worse 3 years of my life. That was almost 11 years ago. I eventually got the debts paid off, using Dave Ramsey’s program, and now my sister and I cash flow our business entirely.
      Also completely understand writing and rewriting posts. It’s overwhelming! So do little parts day by day. And be gentle with yourself and partner. Virtual hugs!

    6. SunnySideUp*

      I can’t speak to the bankruptcy issue, but my SO and I went through a negatively life-changing experience in the 1990s that brought us both to our knees.

      You will get through this. I promise you will find in yourselves what you need to propel yourselves forward.

      Peace.

  25. Keymaster of Gozer*

    I would like to give a big thanks to everyone online, my family, my friends and the NHS who got me through a severe mental health problem last month. Social distancing and uncertainty made it hard but I am back to being functional again.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Thank you! There was a serious chance I’d still be in a medical ward by now but we got through it.

        I’ve got the cat climbing all over me right now (I’m not a scratching post!) but it feels good.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        I love seeing my husband and cat again. When isolation becomes not necessary I look forward to personally thanking the people in geographically local areas for their life saving help.

        The world tried to beat me. It didn’t win. I’m going to drink tea and cuddle the cat :)

  26. Anon for this*

    It’s mostly been a good week. No crying jags. I’m trying to get a handle on my pandemic fridge raiding. I’m still not sleeping much and have a call into the specialist that will probably not help, but hey, fingers crossed.

    We did a zoom sort of Irish wake for a friend (who died after a long bout with cancer) and that helped. It helped a lot.

    My cleaner called Monday and after much debate he came over. He wore enough protective gear that my neighbors wondered if everything was ok–not quite full on Hazmat but like a lot of stuff. I stayed in my office and wore a mask. I may regret it later, but with my situation, it’s so hard for me to clean and it was getting so bad that I think the risk was worth it. I hope.

    1. Keymaster of Gozer*

      I can understand the cleaning thing. I’m disabled and the house is starting to look…a bit like a hoarder lives here. I keep telling myself that I have to clean but I just can’t do it.

      Additionally I really love the zoom idea for a wake. I’ve lost another friend to this whole thing and if I organise something like that it will help.

      1. Blueberry*

        Have you heard of Unf*ck Your Habitat ? (without asterisk for looking up.) The methods there can help to break down Cleaning The Place into manageable bits.

    2. Blueberry*

      Hey, we all have to balance choices. Making the choice to have your place cleaned sounds like the right one for you.

  27. nep*

    I got a real lift from this yesterday: I wanted to get my mom a mug I’d seen a while back at a nearby Hallmark. That particular store was out of it I checked a couple other stores a bit farther away. I wanted two of the mugs (because I know my mom will want to give the same mug to a dear friend of hers who just recovered from COVID), and a store about 8 miles away had two left in stock. I drove out there and bought them. Had a lovely exchange with the woman in the store. I put the bag in my van and went into a grocery store that was in the same strip. After about 15-20 min in the grocery store, I got back to my van and saw that I’d left the sliding door open. All the way open. There was Hallmark bag right inside the sliding door. Not. A. Thing. Was. Touched.

    1. nep*

      P.S. Everyone was masked. Hallmark’s doing curbside pickup. In these times I limit my outings to post office, nearby grocery store, and pharmacy; but I decided to go out a bit farther for this gift.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      That’s great! We see so much bad behavior in the news, but I really think that is only a small percentage of the population. Many more people try to do the right thing. We just don’t get to hear about that.

    3. nep*

      I told a friend about it this morning and she said, “No one wanted to touch other people’s sh&*!”
      Oh. Right.
      Still, I prefer to see it as people were just good and not wanting to take advantage of my mistake to steal something.

  28. Ermintrude*

    Hello lovely people! I am seeking some new pokemon go friends! My fish now brings me gifts, and I play daily, so I am hopefully a good friend to have

    8062 2802 6464 – Erm1ntrude

          1. Ermintrude*

            I’m fond of mine too! Not entirely sure it’s not faking the flopping around

    3. Quiznakit*

      Friend request sent! 0462 3571 1865 for anyone else in need of a friend.

      I’m feeling rather pleased this morning, as I lucked into a random shiny Snubbull, and thanks to the throwback research initiative, I finally(!) have a Mewtwo and a completed Kanto pokedex. I very rarely manage to participate in five-star raids, so most of the legendary pokemon remain utterly legendary as far as I’m concerned.

      1. Book Lover*

        The snubbull research was fun too and I think increased shiny rate from it also :)

        1. Cruciatus*

          DEAR LORD, DOES THE SNUBBULL RESEARCH EVER END?

          I did some of it from home, but don’t always get enough spawns here so I went to a park literally across the street that has pokestops and poke nests and despite the cold, told myself I only had to walk long enough to finish the research. An HOUR AND A HALF later I was still walking, slowly becoming despondent and yelling “F*CK!” every time the research *still* wasn’t over (no one was out today thanks to the snow)! I only had to quit because my phone died. I still have a ways to go in the research. So far I do have maybe 4 shinies, a “hundo”, and the feeling the research will go on forever and ever until the end of time.

            1. Cruciatus*

              Exact same here! I did have one shiny from apparently 2018 (didn’t realize it had been that long!) but I never evolved it because I need to have enough shinies to evolve “the whole family” so I was at least able to do that today. My sister got only 2 shinies but got 2 100%s.

    4. Quoth the Raven*

      Sent you a request =)

      My code is 4743 8754 3135 (CoyoteCosmica), if anyone else wants to add me. I play very casually, but I’m always happy to send gifts and stuff.

    5. Hrodvitnir*

      Sent a friend request. :) I am not as consistent as I used to be as I have more friends so not always enough gifts, and not needing the XP personally any more, but I try!

  29. TechWorker*

    I read a recommendation for the YouTube channel ‘Amazing Places on our Planet’ and having watched a couple thought I’d pass it on.

    It’s basically just video of beautiful landscapes with a soundtrack, like a travel documentary without the voiceover but I’ve found them really relaxing and destressing to watch, so would recommend!

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I was watching some of those yesterday while I was at work. I loved 2.5 hours of Norway. They really are great!

    3. coffee cup*

      This sounds great! I’ll check it out. Anxiety has been high this week and that sounds ideal.

      1. 40 Years in the Hole*

        Chill out with TV Ontario’s doc “Tripping the Rideau Canal” – a 4 hr real-time journey up a portion of the Canal, filmed last Sept. Mostly just slow motoring along in a vintage boat, with only the natural sights and sounds along the way (some occasional dialogue with lock masters), and some text, for historical context. I loop through it while ironing or reading. Super chill. Link to follow.

          1. pancakes*

            Thank you for this! I’ve been enjoying English narrowboat videos that fit pretty much the same description. One of the YouTube channels I’m subscribed to is called Cruising the Cut, and from that I’ve had other videos pop up as recommended. I had one on yesterday while working and as the boat was passing some incredibly idyllic fields I heard sheep baa.

  30. Beancat*

    When I was a kid, my childhood dream was to get my manga published in Shonen Jump. Family spat all over it – “Don’t waste your time”, “Doing anything with your art is pointless”, and even worse. I stopped caring and gave up. It got in my head last week and was really bothering me again.

    Then, seventeen years later – this week – I discovered that there’s a contest that’s open to international artists. The first and second prize winners…get their manga published in Shonen Jump :)

    I have until September to create a one-shot manga that comes in under 55 pages. I’m going for it. I have zero expectations and I’m not pinning my hopes on winning. But I feel like I just went back in time, grabbed eleven-year-old Beancat’s hand, and told her that everyone who put her down can bite me.

    I’m excited to try. It’s the first thing that’s really been a spark in quite some time.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      GO FOR IT!

      I really miss Shonen Jump and was bitter when they stopped publishing the paper version in my country. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you! And please update us!

      (Also, people really love to shit all over other people’s art dreams. I mean, it’s true, you probably won’t be able to make a decent living off it, so have a plan B (which is true of most career paths; I’m currently on plan W), but it really bugs me when people do that. Don’t listen to those people.)

      1. Beancat*

        Oh yeah, this is definitely more a “I can say I did this cool thing” even if/when I don’t place. :) there’s of course the silly part of my brain that goes “but what if you pulled it off and became a famous artist??” But I kind of gently pet that part and shush it so I don’t pressure myself.

        My family had a weird fixation with crapping all over my dreams and in the WEIRDEST ways too. I used to talk about this dream as a kid and they would rant that I was being disrespectful because my great-grandmother’s brother was killed in WWII and that my “obsession” with Japan was hurting her. If that was actually the case she never said anything to me…I don’t know; in hindsight it seems like a way to guilt me into not doing the things I wanted.

        Thank you for all the good wishes and I’ll definitely check in!! :)

        1. ReadingTheStoics*

          When I heard Elizabeth Gilbert say that she’d promised her writing that she would never ask it to pay her bills, as long as her muse would stick around, I wished mightily that 12-yr-old Reading had thought of that. Her attitude is ‘of course you will have a Plan B, so that your creativity will not be under pressure.’

          Obviously she’s found tremendous commercial success now, with Eat Pray Love, et al, but the identification of her own psychology was impressive.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This sounds pretty exciting, you will have to let us know how it’s going!

    4. NeonFireworks*

      DO IT. This is how I felt when I started sewing in my mid twenties. Something I wanted to do as a kid that fizzled out. 11 year old me is THRILLED.

      1. Beancat*

        Awww, I love this! And your use of “fizzled” works well with your username, because now after that I’m imagining beautiful fireworks blooming now that you’re doing what you want! :)

    5. nep*

      How wonderful.
      There is nothing like getting in touch with that spark again–it’s never gone, but stuff buries it.

    7. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      DO IT!! I’d love to say I “know” a Shonen Jump mangaka!!!

    9. Nicki Name*

      The best of luck to you! I hope I can watch the anime adaptation in 10 years or so!

    11. Anonnington*

      That’s fantastic! Jealousy is behind a lot of words of discouragement. People often don’t realize it; they’re just using their opinions of their own potential as a reference point. It sounds impossible to them, so they assume that it’s out of reach for anyone they know.

      Ignore negativity and do your best work.

      1. Beancat*

        Thank you so much! I haven’t talked to any of my family who talked like that about my art for many years now, so it’s helped me start to build up my own confidence and hope. I’ll do my best!!

      1. Beancat*

        Thank you!! I’ve been trying to work a bit on it each day, and it’s filling my furloughed days right now. I’m going to do my best !!

      1. Beancat*

        Thank you!! I’m most concerned with enjoying it and learning from the experience :)

  31. Misty*

    Yesterday my roommates and I were all sitting in the kitchen and one of them goes “Can you believe we’ve been home straight for eight weeks?” and then my other roommates says in a really jealous voice “Except for you, Misty, you got to go to the hospital for five days and see people. Lucky.”

    And then we all started laughing so hard because literally the highlight of the last eight weeks was I got to be in the hospital surrounded by other humans who weren’t my roommates. It was so funny yesterday, I can’t even explain but it was so funny. What is this life we’re living right now?

    Anyone else have any funny moments from the last week?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I brought my dog over to see my neighbor. The dog loves her. We were outside chatting as it was a really pretty day. I noticed my dog looking at her doormat. He kept looking at it. Finally, he took one of his nails and slid it under the edge of the mat. He lifted the mat up with that one nail and looked to see what was UNDER the mat. We ended up laughing and laughing. Such a cute, unique gesture and so similar to a human gesture of curiosity. It’s nice to have a shared chuckle.

      1. Misty*

        That’s so cute! Don’t leave me in suspense though, was there anything under the mat??

        1. Not So NewReader*

          There was ASPHALT under the mat! [GASP!] He sniff tested it just to be sure it was asphalt. hahah

    2. Beancat*

      Yesterday my husband was tossing a chirpy bird to our cat to play, and out of nowhere the kitten sat up on his hind legs and swatted the bird in just such a way that he caught it between both his little paws! And he did it again and again and again every time we threw the bird to him. I just couldn’t stop laughing that my kitten who already taught himself to fetch also taught himself to catch!

      1. allathian*

        My parents’ had a cat who used to fetch things. His favorite toy was a pipe cleaner that had been folded twice. You’d throw it and he’d fetch it over and over and over again… He’s been dead for four years now and I’m happy that I still have the pictures and memories.

    3. Mazzy*

      No funny stories but I’m glad you’re like me and find lots of stuff funny, I could picture other people getting offended and all “how dare you” at stuff like this. I often laugh at stuff that is ridiculous like this but not necessarily funny when I re-tell it:-)

    4. Ali G*

      I had to take the dog to the vet yesterday. He was due for his annual shots and he had a new growth on his side (he’s fine – yay! Just old man stuff). He’s a BEAST at the vet, usually. Because of social distancing, I couldn’t go in with him. The vet tech, this lovely young woman (Dog loves women), brings him back to me and was downright gushing: “he sat in my lap the whole time and we are best friends forever now! he ate treats and was so good!”
      I came home and told my husband that I want curbside vet service forever! The Dog is never like that when I am around! We had a good laugh :)
      Glad you are feeling better!!

    5. fposte*

      A bird wants to buy my house. I think.

      I have a drill when I get packages or mail–I leave the door open, grab the stuff, put it down inside, go wash my hands, come back, and close the door. There is a bird (not sure what kind, as the lighting wasn’t good–looked smaller than a robin but possibly with an orange chest) who keeps heading into the opening to look into my house. I’ve explained it’s not for sale but it doesn’t seem to convince him.

      1. Llama Face!*

        Not for sale but maybe they’re hoping you’d be interested in a renter? Though I suspect you’d be paid in earthworms.

    6. glitter crayon*

      I have to go to hospital for some tests soon and I’m so excited that I get to go anywhere.

  32. blackcat*

    Thanks to whomever recommended the A.B. Mask 2.0 pattern for mask sewing a two weeks ago! It is approximately one million times more complex than basic pleated masks but also about a million times more comfortable! My husband has a wide face and the masks provided by his workplace tug on his ears too much. This mask fits him really well, is comfortable for all day wear, and learning how to make it was a fun little project or me. I haven’t really sewed since college, and it’s weirdly nice to have a hobby again.

    1. LNLN*

      So glad that worked for you! It is not the fastest pattern to make, but I think it is a good, snug fitting mask. Wishing you and your husband well.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Glad you found a good solution for your husband.
      Some people can wear “ear savers”: a simple band with 2 big buttons to hold the elastic off the ears. These won’t help if the elastic is already too tight on the ears, but it’s an option for some.
      A BIG THANK YOU to all the people working out there in the pandemic!

  33. Jedi Squirrel*

    If Tom Jones wanted to make the world really happy right now, he would do a cover version of Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal”. I would pay good money for that right now.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I mean, I can hear it in my head. I just want to hear it with my ears.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Pretty much any Michael Jackson song would probably be funny to hear when sung by Tom Jones, but Smooth Criminal is such a creepy song to start with. I think hearing the lyrics to it in Jones’ smarmy voice would be hilarious. Or trauma-inducing. I’m not sure which.

      2. Jedi Squirrel*

        I had a dream once that Tom Jones was singing it on the radio and it sounded really good!

        1. Lcsa99*

          Oh man, I’d love to trade dreams. I don’t remember the majority of my dreams but most of them lately have been of the stressful returning-to-normal-work variety. Anything with ridiculously wonderfully weird music would be great.

          1. Jedi Squirrel*

            I have been having really bad dreams during this time, mostly like falling off of high things.

            But this dream was that I was driving down the road, and he came on radio singing that song. And I was like “I didn’t know Tom did a cover of that!”

            FWIW, I love the Alien Ant Farm version even better than the original.

            1. allathian*

              I hear you on the Alien Ant Farm version. Great stuff.
              But now I have an earworm of Tom Jones singing it, too… Weird.

  34. MistOrMister*

    Thoughts on kindle unlimited? I didnt realize it is basically a virtual library that you pay for. Not sure how I feel about the payment part. I love the real library but find it difficult to use my library’s virtual section. Everything is always checked out. I’m just not sure it’s worth paying $10 a month for the kindle one.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      It isn’t a contract so you can cancel if you aren’t using it. Scroll through and see how many books you want to read that are available on the plan. This can give you an idea if it’s right for you.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      It’s basically Netflix for Kindle books. *shrug* I get enough use out of it to be worthwhile, but your mileage may vary. Personally, I occasionally get annoyed at having to dig through all the trashy romance (which is a perfectly valid genre, just not my cup of tea) to find the trashy sci fi and post-apoc fiction I mostly use it for, but my actual biggest complaint is that there isn’t a way to set up a queue of books you want to come back for. Like, they can do a queue for Prime video, so I don’t know why they can’t do one for Kindle Unlimited too. :P

      I’ve also found some decent cookbooks on there – there’s a really good Indian cookbook that I keep bookmarked, and a couple of Instant Pot ones.

      1. Llama Face!*

        I just use my amazon wishlists for that. I made one list specifically for books I can read on Unlimited and save the books I want to read to that list.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, that’s what I do too, but it’d be nice if I could set up a queue and just, when I return one, the next one automatically downloads. :)

          1. Llama Face!*

            Ah, I see. I change book moods often enough that a queue like that wouldn’t work for me because the next book on the queue might not be what I’m feeling like reading. But I also read a lot and ridiculously fast.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              Me too, but I’m of the “I’ll read anything that happens to land in front of me, up to and including shampoo bottles if necessary” mindset, so as long as I put it on the list in the first place, I’m generally fine with whatever pops up next :)

    3. Uranus Wars*

      I use a combination of library and prime – not kindle unlimited. With my prime subscription I get one free book a month (which half the time are just meh and half the time pretty damn good) and once a month I can “borrow” one book from the unlimited library. If I need more than 2 books in a month then I supplement from my library.

      I couldn’t justify another subscription service so this option works for me. Do you have a Prime membership?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s another thing — if you read five books a week (*waves*), $10 a month is nothing for books. If you read 1-2 books a month, it becomes much less feasible – most of the Kindle Unlimited books are pretty inexpensive to purchase, so if you’re not doing at least 2 or 3 a month you’re definitely not getting your money’s worth. (On a straight economic scale, at least.)

    4. LQ*

      Netflix for kindle. It’s …it is what it is.

      I think part of it is what do you read and how much of it. If you read a lot of romance honestly? Get KU. It’s relentlessly good for that and the readers are voracious. If you’re on the read a couple of books a month kind of person I’d recommend spending more time figuring out your virtual library. Mine has something where it only shows me books that are currently available to check out, which makes it much easier. The other thing is once you get on a roll of doing requests you can pretty much always have 3-5 in your list waiting for you. I was sitting down once a week and adding new ones and shuffling around old ones and it was quick and enjoyable.

      KU is better if you never want to be told no (but then you have to make sure you’re ONLY looking at KU books, not all amazon books are KU books) or if you want to be able to just pick whatever you want in the moment.

      If you’re up for planning and want a broader selection, especially of best sellers, or a wider range of books and are ok planning or waiting I think the library can work for you.

      I picked up KU for a couple months right now because I want to just not have to think or plan and I want a different kind of book than the library usually has. And I never want to get 2 books into a series and not have 3-8 not available right now. So KU for now. But I’m usually far far partial to regular (free!) library.

    5. OperaArt*

      I use Kindle Unlimited extensively, so it easily pays for itself each month. Good thing I like genre fiction. :-)
      There’s a limit to the number of books you can borrow at once, perhaps 10.
      I keep track of all the ones I want to read by downloading the free samples and only borrowing the full books when I want to read them.

    6. Fikly*

      Depends if you care about authors getting paid. They basically get paid nothing.

      The selection is also, last I checked, heavily biased toward self-published works on Amazon, and not comprehesive of traditionally published works.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      Your library may subscribe to Hoopla, which is different from its own virtual section. In a virtual section, there are actual limits on how many people can “check out” a certain eBook or audio book, and then you can get in line to check it out. With Hoopla, as far as I can tell, you can always check out whatever you want, as long as it’s in the catalog.

    8. Ali*

      Not sure where you are, but I’m in the U.S. and I use the Libby app. I can get almost any book that I’d get out of the library for free send to my Kindle app, just sometimes there is a wait.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Yes! I mostly use my library’s electronic loans for audio books because despite all the time I read the internet on my phone (A LOT) I was never that excited about reading eBooks. Then I recently discovered the Libby eBooks could be downloaded to my kindle and I was off reading.

        My library has Libby/Overdrive (same content different app), Hoopla, and CloudLibrary. Libby/overdrive has the most content I consume but I use them all.

    9. Ellen Ripley*

      I signed up around Christmas when they had a free month special and have kept it so far since I can’t get to the library right now (the ebook selection at my local library is less than ideal). I would agree that it’s mostly for genre books like romance, thrillers, etc., and some older nonfiction. If you read a lot in those genres it will probably save you money. I have read that authors don’t get much of a percentage from it, so that doesn’t thrill me.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Our library defaults to checking books out for 3 weeks and it’s often hard to check them back in early. One app, I haven’t been able to use at all since the first month when I tried to check out three in a row. There’s a 2-per-month limit which is crazy for my reading speed.

    11. Sunflower*

      I just signed onto Scrib’d. There’s a book series I read a while ago included on there that wasn’t included on Kindle. I think the first month is free and then it’s $10 after. I also love the library and in any other time, I would never elect to read a book on a tablet or e-reader. The library is going to be backed up for quite some time I think and the $10 is worth it to me.

      1. anonymouse for this*

        I love Scrib’d – I find a lot more content on there that I want to read than I could on Kindle Unlimited. Also there are a lot of audiobooks so I can listen to a book while walking

    12. Loves Libraries*

      I haven’t considered KU. I really miss the print books from our public library which has completely ceased circulation. I’ve been checking out books through their Overdrive program. The selection is much less and the wait for new books is much longer. It doesn’t seem like the library has increased their ebook offerings despite a much increased demand. The public library is scheduled to resume circulation on the 18th. I hope Georgia’s next wave or spike doesn’t happen until I can get some books and DVDs I’ve been waiting for.

    13. Amethystmoon*

      Yes, you pay for it. I like it and would be spending way too much money on books without it. Makes it much easier for me to have a limit.

  35. Jedi Squirrel*

    Content Warning: Eating issues

    Has anyone else just lost their appetite? I’ve never been much for breakfast, but always made myself eat something because noon lunchtime is a long ways away. But since WFH, I’ve gradually dwindled down from three meals to two meals to one. And I only eat that one because I realize I have to eat something.

    I am craving spicy food, but when I cook it‒yeah, not interested.

    The irony is that I have a pantry stuffed to the gills and I don’t really need it.

    1. Misty*

      Yep. I’ve been having a hard time eating so I basically schedule it now. Like I eat when my roommates eat as much as I can and kind of just hope that’s enough. If I skipped meals, I would be in huge trouble.

      I’ve had my best luck with foods that are higher calories and don’t have a lot of taste to them.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Yeah, I’m hypoglycemic, and the low blood sugar is what made me notice I’d missed a meal. I just don’t know. It’s weird.

        I did try macaroni and butter with seasoned salt and pepper on it. It was oddly satisfying, but for one day only.

        1. Misty*

          I feel you. The struggle in real.

          I’ve been having good luck with plain gluten free waffles that are freshly made. But other than that, it’s not really easy to find anything to eat that I actually want to eat more than a bite of. I think my stomach feels off because of anxiety too so that may not be helping.

      2. Washi*

        I agree with scheduling it! I also find that watching a cooking show helps, and eating while watching a cooking show is the best :) When I’m not hungry for dinner I’ll watch something from Bon Appetit’s channel on Youtube (love Gourmet Makes) and that usually gets me in the mood for food.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If we move around less, then we don’t seem to require as much food. I know I eat less in warmer weather. I also eat less if I am eating alone. So there can be a lot of factors going on at once.

      We can train our brains to ignore food. BTDT. Not a good plan in the long run, although it can feel okay for the short run. When depression/inertia and other problems set it, it becomes a bad plan.

      My suggestion is to eat smaller portions at pre-determined intervals each day. When my husband passed, I did not care if I ate or not. Lunch was literally a handful of salad. Dinner was a small bowl of soup. I had set windows of time that the food had to be eaten. I picked things that are basically nutritious and make small portions. Hey, if I don’t care if I eat or what I eat, then I might as well eat something that is going to help my body. I also chose to read while eating. This helps me to stay on track as I enjoy reading something and I will sit there to finish the newspaper or magazine.

      You might make out better with a protein drink or veggie drinks. For a while there, I had some drinkable soups in single serving containers. I liked how the food settled in my system, it felt like it was helping my body.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I do have some slim fast shakes, so at least I have nutrition. I do like the idea of drinkable soups, though. I’m making a Costco run today, so I’ll see what I can figure out from whatever they have available.

    3. Buni*

      Likewise, but I figured it was just a calorie-usage thang – in my usual work I would walk *bare minimum* 2 miles a day, and now I’m just sat at home all day unless I make an effort. My body doesn’t need / isn’t using the fuel so it’s not demanding it.

    4. lazy intellectual*

      I am. I think because I’m not as physically active as usual, so I’m burning less calories.

    5. KoiFeeder*

      Yeah. I’ve been eating very small portions and even then I feel bloated and nauseated, or sometimes even start getting acid reflux. It’s like my stomach walked out and left.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Sadly the more stocked my pantry/fridge/freezer is, the less of an appetite i have. My appetite has gone down the further I am in pregnancy. I can’t complain, I prefer that to being a bottomless pit. Easier to control my sugar levels as well.

    7. Sunset Maple*

      I don’t think this is odd at all. Quarantine has made it really, really difficult to be physically active, and sedentary bodies don’t need as many calories.

      (I’ve been trying my best to keep exercising, but dog owners around here utterly refuse to be responsible adults and control their animals to adhere to social distancing, so I’ve had to give up walking the nature trails and sidewalks.)

      I’m concentrating on nutrient-dense foods and avoiding junk and volume eating, which seems to help.

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m struggling to keep up any sort of mealtime system. I’m particularly not getting things that involve complicated meal prep done (I have been meaning to make pizza for a month, and never get the dough started), but also want to “save” my convenience foods in case I get too sick to cook, and anyway a lot of days I end of realizing it’s well past dinner time and I should really eat something and getting into a spiral about what. This usually ends in nachos, which I make sure to stockpile the ingredients for each time I go to Costco so that they will remain an escape hatch.

      When my job involved leaving the house, I had to eat breakfast by x time before I left for work, and I had a specific time y that was when I could eat lunch during my workday and that wasn’t easily shifted, so I had my first two meals of the day on a timed system and I ate both breakfast and lunch regularly. I planned out what they’d be in advance, and then I had to get them done within those time constraints, so they happened reliably. Dinner was always a little iffy, but I’d already had two good meals, I’d go get a pizza if I really couldn’t figure out dinner, and it was easy to buy my preferred pasta noodles so I could also give up and eat pasta for dinner several times a week if was just not able to figure anything else out.

      Now there’s no structure to anything and I always could eat a little later, since I’m working from my dining room and don’t “have to” take my breaks at specific times. Whatever I got at Costco has to last 3 weeks and if they don’t have it, I pretty much won’t get any more of it once I eat my existing stocks since I don’t want to go multiple places. (My favorite pasta was a bulk bin item from Winco. I have no idea where to go to get something similar now, but the answer is not Costco since they don’t even seem to sell whole wheat pasta. I have about 5 servings of pasta left until I’m making my own from scratch.) Food has just gotten hard and unpatterned, and I’m so tired of it.

    9. allathian*

      I have the opposite problem. I’m eating too much, especially carbs. I’m also not eating enough veggies.
      I’m making a point of taking at least one 20-minute brisk walk in our neighborhood every day, but I don’t get as much walking done as I do when I commute to the office on public transit.

  36. MissGirl*

    I’ve been wanting to get a dog for a while now but I’m having trouble deciding on a breed. The only breeds I have a lot of experience with are border collies, but that is way too much energy for my situation and they’d be miserable.

    I live in a townhouse with tiny yard so I need something that is calm and not huge. I also want to be able take it hiking and running so it can’t be tiny either. I don’t want something that sheds a lot as I’m a neat freak. I work from home a lot to take care of it but I still have the occasional day at work (once or twice a week when all is normal).

    I’m not opposed to a rescue but that still requires understanding the breed. My old roommate rescued a dog without any regard for if that kind of dog would fit her life. It was miserable because it was a huge and more aggressive but lived in a tiny place (it once bit me).

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I have short hair dogs and they shed but my roomba (daily) picks up most of it. You could consider a low shed breed but then you have added maintenance of hair cuts/ brushing. Mixed breeds/muts seem to have fewer congenital issues than breeder dogs. You could foster to see how you function with an animal in your space.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      Have you considered rescuing an older dog. They are generally calmer and grateful to have a place to live. They are also notoriously hard to place, because just like with regular kids, everybody wants babies.

      They won’t be with you as long, but they have a lot of love still to give. And they love cuddling and naps!

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks, but I do want a younger dog as I don’t want to be dealing with health issues after only a few years, especially where I want a dog to take on long hikes. I don’t necessarily need a puppy. I am in this for the long haul.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          In that case, I would recommend against anything terrier. They are very high energy and can be aggressive.

          Have you ever thought of a standard poodle? They are smart like miniature poodles, but very calm and friendly and not at all aggressive. They are bigger, and they don’t shed, but grooming is an issue. And they do love running and the water.

          1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

            Seconding the standard poodle suggestion! They’re great dogs that are just as happy to hike with you for a few hours as they are to hang out on the couch. They’re also not very badly and would be quite suitable for a townhouse as long as you’re up for regular brushing and trims.

            I would also recommend looking into a rescued racing greyhound. They’re usually only a couple of years old when they’re retired, (perfect for being ready to take long hikes right away!) and they’re famously low maintenance. They’re mostly couch potatoes, but up for spurts of exercise any time. They do shed some but have very short, clean coats. The main downside is that they have a very strong drive to chase and can never be trusted off-leash in unfenced places.

            Another option might be some kind of retriever. Goldens have a ridiculously long list of genetic problems, but the less overbred breeds are still a good mix of mellow plus stamina. Maybe check it flat coated or curly coated retrievers.

            1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

              That should say that poodles aren’t very *barky*. All these breeds are fairly quiet.

            2. Stephanie*

              I’m seconding the rescued greyhound suggestion. They are super chill, but love walks, too. But, yes, they can not ever be allowed off leash, because they will take off. We’ve had six rescued greyhounds over the span of 12 years or so, and they really are great dogs. We currently have two 85 pound greyhounds and a 45 pound whippet-greyhound mix. (We have two or three at a time, because they’re just so good.) They don’t really have a lot of genetic problems, but they do tend to have very bad teeth, for some reason. The rescue groups that we’ve worked with do a really good job of matching adoptees up with the right dog, too.

              1. Ali G*

                Are greyhounds really not great about stairs? Also they can be off leash with a six-foot fence, right? I would love to get one, and we have a great local GH rescue, but I worry about the stairs. We have 4-story home (including basement), so lots of stairs. We sleep on the third floor and hang in the basement so doing stairs is a requirement.

                1. Stephanie*

                  We only had one greyhound that was fine on the stairs, and our whippet mix will go up and down the stairs. All of the others just don’t do stairs (a short flight–like 4-5 is fine). They can be trained to do stairs, we just never felt like it was necessary. We live in a two story house, and have a finished basement, too, but it’s kind of a plus that the dogs don’t go up on the second floor where the bedrooms are. (That staircase is not carpeted, so even the whippet mix avoids it.) It would require a lot of patience on your part, and a willingness to take it slowly. Greyhounds are really sensitive, and don’t enjoy long training sessions, but they are smart dogs and do pick things up fairly quickly. Carpeted stairs (or those with a runner) would definitely be much easier.
                  You can definitely let them off leash in a yard with a six foot fence, I should have been more specific. We only have a four foot fence, and it’s fine, six is even better.
                  They’re also generally really, really good with being crated, which makes things easier.
                  If you’re interested in a greyhound, the rescue group would very likely have some tips for training to use stairs. Our group does a fantastic job of making sure things are going well and welcome any questions after adoptions–even for months and months after. They also have a Facebook group where folks can reach out.

                2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  Pretty much any dog that hasn’t experienced stairs will have to learn them – my bloodhound-lab mix had never done stairs when I adopted her at age 4, and had to get the hang of it. Especially going downstairs is probably kinda scary, when your head has to go down before the rest of you does :) Both my dogs learned going up way easier than they learned going down.

                3. Seeking Second Childhood*

                  A friend who has had a series of greyhounds says that most important about the fence is that it is solid. They will run right into a chain link fence if they’re focused on a squirrel on the other side.

                4. Four-legged Fosterer*

                  I think the underlying problem is that racing greyhounds aren’t raised in a home, so they aren’t used to stairs. I don’t foster the breed at all, so I can’t say anything from experience, but I have fostered a lot of strays that lived outdoors and didn’t understand stairs at first. It takes a bit to teach them, but it is often quite quick if they have the right motivation. They would have had to learn as puppies if they had different circumstances, same as kittens having to learn too. The easiest way with puppies is to put them a step or two up and then have food at the bottom, so they get used to a step, and then increase to put them up higher. With large adult dogs you can’t easily put them on the middle of the stairs, but you can apply gentle leash pressure and coax them with treats. I start with my front steps because they are sturdy and only a few, and because I need the dog to go outside to the washroom.

                  I wouldn’t worry about stairs, as that can be trained, although if you are adopting a dog from a rescue then you could mention it as some fosters are likely to have stairs and the dog wouldn’t need any training.

              2. Zooey*

                I adore greyhounds but I am not sure they are the right choice if you want to hike with your dog. They are built for speed rather than endurance and tend not to be that excited about long walks. My grandmother has always had greyhound rescues an we’ve definitely found they are sick of walking before we are! (They are .lovely dogs though with great characters! And they love to snuggle.)

            3. Smol Book Wizard*

              I love my miniature poodle! I am sure standards are awesome too, although I haven’t met as many.

              If you settle on a breed you like, try calling around to local breeders and seeing if they have young adult dogs available – “failed” show prospects, females who’ve had a couple litters and prefer individual attention, etc. It’s surprisingly common, and you can get a clearer picture of the personality of the dog than with a puppy – also get to skip the puppy phase, which personally didn’t mesh well with me.

            4. KoiFeeder*

              My brother got his golden retriever from a breeder that tested for several genetic issues to try and circumvent this.

              Then she ended up with Literal ADHD and had to go on Ritalin. You just can’t win with goldens (but she’s very loved regardless)!

    3. ThatGirl*

      Most rescues are good about vetting personalities and matching people, especially if you ask for help. We adopted a roughly 2 year old Maltese poodle mix who is low shedding and chill and he’s been the best dog for us. Not too big, likes walks but is content to snooze, loves to cuddle.

      I will say, it might be hard to find a dog that is both calm and has tons of energy for long hikes, but I’m sure you can find one that fits your life.

      1. MissGirl*

        Yes, I’m sure something on my wish list will fall off. My neighbor has a Bernese Mountain dog and they’re really calm and can go forever hiking but they also shed a lot and are huge and want a lot of socialization, which I can’t provide. I just don’t want to get something that’s miserable in my life.

    4. Teapot Translator*

      When I was researching breeds, I used dogtime.com a lot. They have a handy notation system for different things. I’d also like a dog that can go hiking with me, so whenever I was interested in a breed, I would google “dog breed” and “hiking”. I don’t know about running (because I don’t run), but according to the Internet, small doesn’t mean the dog can’t go hiking. But small does mean that it’s more likely to adapt to a small living space.
      Some shelters do assess their dogs (so it’s based on the actual dog and not the breed) and you can talk about what you’re looking for and they can figure out if it’s a good match.

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      After you figure out in general what breeds would be the right size for you, I’d recommend an older dog (maybe age 4-6). You aren’t supposed to take young dogs running; you will likely have an idea of temperament plus an older dog will (probably) be a bit mellower.

    6. Elf*

      Daschunds (and especially mixes) are the best; big dog personalities and habits but they are actually quite small. If you get a mix (with slightly longer legs) they can definitely keep up for whatever, but they don’t need tons of room or overwhelming amounts of exercise.

    7. fposte*

      Another possibility is greyhound rescue. I know apartment dwellers with greyhounds; they’re basically couch potatoes when they’re not running. Greyhound rescues also seem very thoughtful about matching adopter to dog.

    8. Natalie*

      Not sure if you use reddit at all, but if so the r/dogs community has a super helpful breed questionnaire that you post and then people will give you suggestions. The regulars really know their breeds IMO.

    9. Dan*

      Overall advice:

      No matter what breed you get or where you get it, you have to be prepared for a dog that isn’t what you expected/planned for/hoped for. Case in point, I’ve got a Yorkie. People ask me, “Oh, is that a yorkie? What’s it like to have a yorkie?” And I tell them, “I’m not the one to ask about that.” Why? Because from what I read about the breed’s general characteristics… the big things don’t apply to my dog. This one is super quiet, and a little couch potato. Mine’s potty trained to boot. (My understanding is that this breed is notoriously hard to potty train, and I can’t dispute that.)

      The downside of getting a young pup is you have no idea about its temperament or health history. My brother and his wife got a purebred from a reputable breeder, and the dog has serious (and expensive) health problems. If you go the rescue route, you at least have the possibility of getting a “known” quantity temperament and health history wise. My parents have always gotten dogs from the shelter, and they’ve always worked out fine.

      1. Lora*

        They can’t read the dog books, Dan! How are they supposed to know what to do?? :P

        Agree 100% about getting a dog you didn’t expect. I have a couple of LGDs, which are supposed to be calm, relaxed, independent, not needing a ton of interaction. Yeah, mine didn’t read the dog book and their breed characteristics consist entirely of “big white fluffy things,” “shed a LOT I mean A LOT” and “eat surprisingly little really”. They are also total velcro dogs that demand attention constantly when indoors, go OFF at the slightest squirrel fart and have broken multiple, multiple windows trying to murder a fox in the yard. You get what you get sometimes.

        1. Dan*

          Since we’re on the subject of generalized breed behaviors… last week I was sitting out on the patio of my apartment with a friend of mine, and a drunk/high guy walked straight in through the main door. I got in the guy’s face and he left, but my Yorkie, the notorious breed who can’t shut up? He didn’t make a peep. I’m like dude… I appreciate the fact that you don’t bark very often, but it’s ok to go nuts over people who don’t belong in the apartment. My Yorkie can go a a week without barking, which by and large is a good thing in an apartment.

    10. Eeeek*

      For me a shih tzu is the best dog ever. Mine is 18 pounds which is pretty much the max for a shih tzu so they are pretty small but not minuscule. They love cuddling and are super snuggly and they don’t shed! But that means you have to pay for haircuts every couple months but personally not shedding is worth it. They have really cute personalities too and are just little fluffs. They are stubborn though mine is a little manipulator but in a cute way also he basically potty trained himself so that was a plus. And they aren’t energetic after the puppy phase. Playing in the yard for a bit and a walk is plenty for them.

    11. Smol Book Wizard*

      I can quite second the standard or miniature poodle recommendations – I have a dear little miniature poodle, about 20 pounds, who is just right for snuggling and also loves walks and hikes! She is 6 years old and still going strong, aside from some dental issues that her previous owner didn’t really do well on controlling and we’re doing catch-up on.

      The grooming for poodles is a bit more of a trouble than I expected, although I think I still prefer it to having dog hair around. I would say either be willing to pay for a groomer regularly (every couple months) or be ready to do a lot on your own, and especially for an active dog you’ll still need to comb or brush them to prevent matting. Not that it’s a dealbreaker, but it’s something I tell people to be aware of – once things slide with a poodle’s grooming they can get messy fast.

      What I did to get mine, and what I recommend if you find a breed you are interested in – look for local breeders and ask if they have “teen” or adult dogs available. In my experience, it’s actually really common that there be some 1 year old dogs who didn’t make it in the show ring, or 3 year old females that have had a couple litters and would do better with individual attention than the pack life, etc. This way you can make your choice based on a personality that’s already established, and you might find it’s easier than dealing with a baby puppy anyway. (I had a puppy briefly and it was not compatible with my mental health at that time, but my current dog is one of the best things that ever happened to me.)

      In terms of breeds, have you thought about greyhounds? I don’t have a lot of personal experience, but from all I’ve heard, they’re remarkably laid-back and do well with moderate exercise. Also, they’re smooth-coated, so not as much shedding and a lot less grooming needs.
      Best wishes on your doggie search! :)

      1. hermit crab*

        My parents’ current dog, a small labradoodle, is a “failed” breeder – poor thing got doggy eclampsia so she was spayed after her first litter, around age two I think. My parents were thinking about a puppy but got her instead and it was a great decision. They have had a few poodle mixes over the years and they’ve all been fantastic in their own way.

    12. ronda*

      I really liked my dobermans. short coarse hair that falls to the floor. very attached to their humans. territorial so great guard dogs. (mine were territorial at the house, but not out on walk — I figured that was not their territory)

      very agile, 1st doberman always went walking in the woods with me. A gimpy neighbor dog often tagged along. A different neighbor told me she always thought of my dog as the gazelle and the other one as the wildebeast cause of the way they moved.

      They are fine in an apartment. Lost of large dogs do a lot of resting when home.

      A friend recently told me she choose a doberman for her 5 year old son, because she fondly remembered our 1st doberman.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      There are many breed-specific rescue groups, some of which can be found through the website Petfinder. From poodle to schipperke, they are also a good source of information about how breeds behave. (I adore schipperkes, but the poodle coat is easier on my allergies.) If you’re worried about grooming, remember that poodles don’t HAVE to have a full show coat. A ‘puppy cut’ can be used on adult dogs, and it can be done at home fairly easily.

  37. Jay*

    So, a wonderful new Pandemic side effect in my life.
    My upstairs neighbor has serious mental problems. Like, horror movie serious.
    She goes on berserk rages, lasting anywhere from 15 min to 45 min at a stretch,on and off, usually over a several hour period. Smashing on my ceiling hard enough to dislodge tiles, screaming threats to beings visible only to herself at the top of her lungs.
    She has now taken to doing this at night and the early mornings, so nobody gets any sleep for a radius of several apartments around her.
    The cops have been called multiple times, but the rages are so intense that she screams herself out before they get here, and they hear nothing. She locks her door and won’t acknowledge the police knocking. They say there is nothing they can do at that point.
    The Pandemic has brought out the worst in her.
    She knows that no one can get her evicted during the Pandemic, so any restraint that she might have had is gone.
    She has called me “The Fat Pig” for years now (I’m a solid 4 on the Iglesias Scale).
    As of about a week ago she has started screaming that she is “Going To Cut The Fat Pigs Head Off”, sometimes several times a day. I assume in retaliation for calling the police on her for her rages and rampages waking me up between midnight and 4 am.
    She never does this while the police are around, so they do nothing. She cannot be evicted, so the buildings management does nothing. The trustee who is “in charge” of her care is as deluded as she is and is convinced that she is just “a little bi-polar” and is fine, so they do nothing. She will not even allow her other family in her apartment, so they never see how bad she is, so they do nothing.
    I’m beyond frustrated at this point.
    She is a rather small woman, not physically intimidating at all. If it was just a fist fight (she wanted to “punch the fat pig in the nose”) I would not be concerned. I could gently hold her in place with one hand without anyone getting hurt (it’s why I only called in with noise complaints or welfare checks before now, as I considered myself in no danger at all and was mostly worried she would hurt herself, or annoyed if a tile came loose from my ceiling). But the threats to cut my head off are a whole different matter, one I take very seriously indeed.
    I do not have the option of moving at this point (both because of the virus and several other reasons) and she obviously isn’t going anywhere until at least several months after the moratorium on evictions in our state is rescinded.
    Other than making ineffectual complaints just so there is a paper trail and keeping my butchers knife or brush axe within reach at all times, does anyone have any advice? Because all I get from anyone else is that I just have to put up with it until they can have her kicked out of the building.
    Thanks in advance.

    1. Rebecca*

      Can you record the rampages with your phone? Hold the phone up to the ceiling so the 911 operator can hear, and it will be recorded there as well? If she is making terroristic threats, and that’s what this is, she needs to be arrested and charged. It might just be a misdemeanor charge, but at least there would be the start of a paper trail, plus the logs of your calls to 911. At this point, I’d call every time she’s on a rampage and dropping ceiling tiles on your head. And be aware – just because she’s a small woman doesn’t mean she couldn’t somehow sneak up on you and hurt you. Good luck. And maybe try to find some good earplugs.

      1. Jay*

        I’ve asked about recording the rampages. The police say it is fine, even suggested it themselves. But the building manager said no, on privacy grounds. I guess recording other tenants in their apartments is against building policy and an evictable offence. So, unless they do it outside their apartment, I’m s.o.l.

          1. Jay*

            Right now they can’t. But that doesn’t mean that they won’t a month from now.

            1. tiasp*

              Just in case you didn’t clarify this with your building management – I would make sure they understood that you weren’t going to record her in her apartment, you were going to record her in YOUR apartment. To me there’s a difference between trying to get a recording device into her apartment or standing outside her door recording and recording the sounds in your own apartment. It would be bizarre for the rule to be that you were prevented from making recordings in your own apartment because another resident was being too noisy in her apartment. If you were at work on a recorded zoom meeting, would you have to hang up if she started a rampage? If you are calling 911 and she’s being so loud it can be heard in the background, do you have to hang up? It’s ridiculous.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Can you work with the police on that? “I would be happy to follow your suggestion of recording the THREATS AGAINST MY LIFE so that you can follow up on them, but the building manager has threatened me with eviction if I do so. Is there anything you can do to help me out here? Can I call you while it’s going on and have YOU record it?” (Also, check your lease – does it actually say anything about recording other tenants being an evict-able offense, or is the manager just kinda coming up with that off the top of their head?)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Also, if you know there are other tenants affected, can you maybe contact them and see if they’re willing to band together as far as registering complaints?

            1. Jay*

              I get it worse than anyone else, so they only really have reason to complain once a week or so, and most do not want to do so, for their own reasons (some good, some “I just don’t want to get involved”). I’ve tried, over and over, to get people to do so. They just won’t. They will commiserate, spend a solid hour talking when we run into each other in the hallways, complaining that “no one will do anything” about her. Then refuse to do anything themselves. It’s infuriating.

          2. Jay*

            Thanks, I will try that.
            Right now, because she is so relatively harmless looking (and she has enough self control not to act out when anyone who can do anything about it is around) no one takes it seriously. Everyone seems to want to blame me for overreacting. Guess it’s just easier for everyone else that way.

          3. Jdc*

            Ya I don’t think your building management can just put illegal things in the lease. You are allowed to record your life being threatened.

        3. Wired Wolf*

          Even though the neighbor is in her apartment, the noise is “in” yours. We had a herd of anger-challenged elephants living above us for a while and I was able to record them without leaving our living room; my state is two-party consent, but I was able to use a loophole as I wasn’t using the recording for legal purposes, simply to prove to management what was happening (they did get evicted; apparently we weren’t the only tenants to complain, just the only ones to get proof).

          1. ToS*

            ^This. You can use video recording to demonstrate that it’s loud enough to be recorded in your living space. You do not need your landlord’s permission. The landlord has a problematic tenant that is not improving.

            She has been notified several times, in strong terms, to manage the volume.

            It may mean that, with the recordings, your neighbor gets a brief involuntary psychiatric hold if the police have enough to work with. If it doesn’t land at that level, it might mean that she gets access to Actual Health Professionals who might help her to help herself.

          2. Amethystmoon*

            Not to mention, the damage to your ceiling is visible and you didn’t do it. Could you take pictures of the damage? Get a good camera, and use a ladder or a long lens if you can get one.

        4. Fikly*

          Check your lease. I doubt it’s on their. Building managers tend to make this up.

        5. Eeeek*

          But you’re not recording them in their apartment, you’re just recording that status of your apartment from inside of it. That is not recording someone in their apartment. My only other advice would be to call 911 immediately every single time and attempt to make a police report for the threats to get a paper trail going.

          1. tangerineRose*

            You don’t even have to record it; just call the police while it’s happening and they can hear it over the phone. They’ll probably record it automatically.

          2. Grapey*

            Right? Start a video saying “Recording a video inside my apartment!” and then stay quiet while you randomly pan around the room and capture the “ambient” noise.

        6. Observer*

          Next time you call hold your phone to the ceiling and let the operator hear it. That will be recorded, but YOU didn’t record it. And, I agree with the others – check the lease.

        8. RM*

          if it’s not explicitly mentioned in your lease (and not against the law of course) it’s not an evictable offense

      2. Red Sky*

        All of this. If you can provide proof she’s a danger to herself or others (you!) she may be but on a 72 hour psych hold for evaluation and treatment, not sure how covid-19 is affecting this tho.

      3. KR*

        Well, gentle note, if the noise is that loud in your apartment you aren’t recording other tenants in *their* apartment, you’re recording other tenants in *your* apartment, the tenants are just being so loud the noise is carrying over. I’d say screw it and record the noise every time she wakes you up, especially threats. Call building maintenance every time she makes a ceiling tile fall down. Maybe if you and your neighbors submitted a complaint together your building maintenance might be willing to do something? Even if they had a free apartment on a ground floor where her stomping won’t bug someone if they aren’t willing to evict this tenant.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d keep calling around until you found someone who can help- social services, adult protective, somebody.

      The police may need to come in an unmarked car and it may need to be non-uniformed people. I think rather than waiting for the next episode, I’d consider going to the police station and talking with someone now. They may need to bring a social service person with them or loop in someone in social services. Carefully select which agency you will go to. Here we have local, county and state police. It’s good to take a minute to find out who might be the most responsive.

      Is her caregiver a family member or is her care giver part of a not-for-profit and she is their employee? If she works for a company (NPO) then you could call that company.
      If you can’t think of any other ideas, perhaps you can call the district attorney’s office for your area and ask them for help/ideas.

    3. Bagpuss*

      Is there a non-emergency number for the police that you can call to ask if there is anything that you can do- for instance whether they could act if you have recordings, or whether they can do anything about the threats (even if you don’t think they are anything she would act on)?

      It’s also worth making formal complaints to your landlord each time it happens and encouraging any neighbours to do the same; and if you can afford it, maybe speak to a lawyer to see if there’s anything you can do (restraining order) or whether there are any exceptions to the rules stopping her being evicted.

      Good earplugs and a white noise generator might help you in the short term.

      Finally- is there any chance your landlord might be able to move you to a different apartment if they own other properties, given that you are stuck in this position?

      1. Jay*

        I used to only call the non emergency number. I’ve only use 911 twice, once when I thought she had managed to hurt herself badly and the second on the first night she started to scream about cutting my head off. Unfortunately, she is so loud that a white noise generator would be of no use. I often keep a fan on in my bedroom, and it makes no dent in her noise. My job requires me to be able to answer the phone 24/7 (this only very rarely occurs, and only then under specific circumstances, but, none the less, the need is there). Any headphones/earplugs that would block here out would make it impossible for me to hear the phone, fire alarm, or indeed, anything else.

        1. Eeeek*

          Oh I would call 911 every single time and say you think someone is being injured or harmed. Non emergency number doesn’t do anything

          1. Resource stewardship*

            Don’t do this unless you actually think someone, including yourself, is in imminent danger. It’s awful to live under someone experiencing a psychotic break, but if no one is in danger, don’t call 911, especially now.

    4. Might be Spam*

      If the sound is traveling to your apartment you are not recording her apartment. You have the right to record sound in your own apartment. Good luck with this.

      1. WellRed*

        Came here to say this. You are allowed to record yourself in your own space. If you happen to pick up the sounds of lunacy coming into your apartment, so be it.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        If you place a video call you at least have a second witness, and there’s no building policy can stop you from calling a friend to help you through a stressful event.
        I’m sorry you’re going through this.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Also you say you are on-call for work… are you customers or co-workers hearing this? Are they getting “this call may be recorded for quality improvement” messages? Because that is NOT recording her, it’s recording YOU in your space and she’s loud enough to interfere.

    5. What the What*

      Your building manager isn’t going to be aware of your recordings unless you record something serious enough that the police need to take action. In which case, your building manager would be hard pressed to go to court and tell a judge they need to evict you because you recorded a crime taking place, while sitting in your own apartment.

      I understand that they’ve told you it’s a violation of building policies, but you have to consider how it’s going to look if they actually try to evict you for that. The chances that they do that are very low, and the chances that they’d be successful are equally low.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Record her tantrums. Play your recordings to police dispatch. FILE police complaints (don’t just call). She can be evicted for her behavior since she poses a threat to herself and others. Start calling helplines for advice: your local housing department, mental health lines, senior services, ANY helpline that might apply.
      You could also use some legal advice on your rights. Your landlord is allowing an untenable living situation to continue.
      Best of Luck and I’m SORRY you’re doing through this.

    7. HBJ*

      Are you sure she can’t be evicted? Double-check the laws in your state. In mine, you only can’t evict someone for non-payment of rent. You can still evict them for bad behavior or breaking the lease in non-financial ways. Depending on your laws, you can bring it up to management.

    8. Observer*

      As you build your paper trail, find out who oversees / employs her trustee and report what is going on, to them. It doesn’t matter what Neighbor’s diagnosis is, it matters that her behavior is wildly out of bounds and now she is making credible threats. That NEEDS to be dealt with and if the trustee is not doing that, she’s not doing her job.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        ^^ ^ Absolutely this. The trustee has a legal obligation, and if they aren’t following through, their are legal teeth to address their failure. I’m so sorry you’re in this awful situation. Please keep us posted.

    9. Agnodike*

      Does your municipality have a mobile mental health crisis unit? You could try calling them instead of police, since they may be more successful. If I were in the middle of a psychotic episode, I would probably not open the door to police, but I might to a mental health professional trained in crisis intervention. And if they succeed in reaching her, they may be able to connect her with follow-up services that will help her feel better and help you regain some peace and safety in your living space.

    10. RC Rascal*

      Do you have any idea what the condition is of the unit? She won’t let anyone in; there could be a reason for that. It she hoarding? I have a hoarder relative and she won’t let anyone in the house. Also, has she broken anything important? People who rage tend to break things. Building managers who don’t care two figs how tenants behave towards others start to care very much when the building is damaged.

      My source of information is an experience from many years ago when dealing with a problem neighbor (noise, unsavory guests, etc). Management wouldn’t do anything about it. I was across the hall neighbor; their upstairs neighbor and I started comparing notes. Despite a large number of people living in the apartment, I never saw them bring in paper products like toilet paper. Upstairs neighbor never heard the bathroom plumbing or toilets flush. We hypothesized they might have broken the plumbing. Neighbor complained to management that the plumbing “might” be broken. Management cared very much about this and checked the unit.

      Turned out the nasties had ripped off the toilet and were peeing in the bathtub. They were pooping behind the dumpster. (We kept seeing empty handed trash runs). They had also torn all the doors off the kitchen cabinets and there were trash piles in the kitchen. (Explains why were suddenly developed an insect problem).
      Management threw them out immediately.

      1. Jay*

        She is CONSTANTLY smashing things.
        Nearly every day I hear furniture or something breaking.
        I’ve made them well aware of the situation. So has maintenance.
        They do plan to evict her, eventually, but the pandemic has the courts around here either closed down or backed up. Short of her getting arrested there is little they can do.
        So I document, call the cops when she get dangerous to herself or others, and try to get by day by day.

  38. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Random low-stakes question: Right after shelter-in-place orders started, the battery in a watch I love (gift from my spouse) went dead. I haven’t had it changed for obvious reasons; getting a watch battery replaced is not essential.

    How long can I safely keep the dead battery in the watch before it leaks, corrodes everything, and destroys the watch?

    I know that changing it myself is theoretically an option, but I’m not good with my hands and once destroyed a watch trying. Oops!

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      It’s hard to tell. It depends on a couple of things: the quality of the original battery and how old it is.

      The thing is, the batteries inside watches are button batteries, and are designed to stay where they are for a long time. I have never seen one leak. There’s always the possibility, but I have just never seen it happen.

      Maybe do your best to keep it cool and dry? Try sticking it in a bowl of rice, perhaps? I think you’ll be pretty safe for at least two or three months.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, it should be okay for a little bit. When you do finally get it open, I clean mine with hydrogen peroxide and dry it, carefully, or let the cleaner evaporate. After changing quite a few watch batteries and door bell batteries (all button cells) I don’t see the corrosion build up that I get with other batteries. I am optimistic for your watch.

    2. Llellayena*

      This happened to me to. Fortunately since I’m not going out much, not having a working watch isn’t an issue. But I am looking forward to whenever the mall opens so I can start wearing the watch again!

    3. Lcsa99*

      Maybe you can look into seeing if a local watch repair will let you send them the watch and just send them back? It might be more expensive that way but it might be worth it to you.

    4. Jdc*

      I’ve read it’s a bad idea to change it yourself. You’ll need to buy all the tools and from what i hear most people ended up scratching or further damaging the back cover.

      1. Reba*

        Enh, I’m slightly handy and I’ve changed watch batteries several times, using a very small screwdriver. (I’m not talking about super high-end watches, though.)

        1. Jdc*

          Oh then go for it. I do my own links but am afraid to do the battery, although also need one right now.

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I actually learned that for this particular watch, I couldn’t remove the back cover even if I wanted to — has to be done by a professional, or at least someone with a tool we don’t own.

        But this is definitely a watch I don’t want to risk damaging. Thanks, everyone for the comments!

    5. ToS*

      Some companies have mail-in options, and local jewelers likely do this as well. It’s worth looking into on the manufacturer’s site and calling around. I have an inexpensive Bulova, and they have great customer service if you can send the receipt.

    6. ValaMalDoran*

      You’ll probably be fine for a few months. I have a watch of my grandmother’s that had a dead battery in it, probably for 20 years or more (yes, really). My jeweler had to clean up the inside and give it a little tlc, but it still runs just fine.

      Do not try to change the battery youself, especially on a watch you love.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        20 years! That’s definitely reassuring.

        I think I’ve had at least one watch that I’ve let sit with a dead battery for a year or more that have been able to be repaired, now that I think of it. If stay at home orders last *that* long, I’ll have much bigger problems than a busted watch.

  39. Jedi Squirrel*

    As somebody mentioned yesterday (was it Weez?), May is National Mental Health Month, which is a good thing. Thank you so much for that reminder.

    I highly recommend the website of NAMI ‒ The National Alliance on Mental Illness. (Just Google “NAMI”.) They have lots of good things there if you need help. (I first learned about them from my good pal, Wil Wheaton.)

    I was especially grateful for this reminder, because I’m working on a podcast, and the first half is about aliens and cryptozoology, and the last half is about mental health. Such are the times we live in.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Also, Wil has a great episode of his podcast where he talks about mental illness and getting better, and I’ve been listening to it a lot on my walks lately. It’s really provided some glimmer of hope, even though it was recorded pre-pandemic.

      Just google “radio free burrito super happy brain club” to find all the goodness.

    2. Jay*

      Is the podcast Weird Darkness?
      They use that format a lot, along with Creepypastas and old stories.
      Listening to that has gone a long way towards keeping me sane during lockdown.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Nope, that’s not me. I basically have zero listeners.

        But now I have a new podcast to listen to! I’m almost at the end of the Cryptonaut podcast. Thank you!

        1. Jay*

          The guy who does it is a professional narrator and voice actor. He is literally the best I have ever heard on a podcast, period. There are literally hundreds of shows free on Apple Podcast.

          1. Jay*

            By the way, what Podcast do you do, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m a big fan of the format you described. I have an odd job that includes a LOT of travel and downtime (I basically work the equivalent of four forty hour work weeks in twelve days of straight working at a time, then have one to two weeks off). Podcasts keep me going in the odd hours when my friends and family with normal lives are all busy and the weather isn’t good enough to go out and do anything interesting.

            1. Jedi Squirrel*

              Hi Jay,

              Just google “in some weird postmodern way”. It’s episode #10 of the Silent Noise Project. (Also, it’s NSFW/NSFS.)

              If you find, leave me a comment so I know you saw this response. (I can delete it if you want.)

              Thanks!

              1. Jay*

                Found it, thank you!
                It looks really interesting, just skimming it so far, but I’ve bookmarked it and will give it a listen tomorrow.

  40. PhyllisB*

    A know a lot of you have been following the saga of my grandson. Well, they went to court this week (I didn’t go because they only allowed his parents in the court room because of Rules right now.) He got four years’ house arrest. If he does not comply it will be prison for 27 years. And according to my daughter, when house arrest is done, if he breaks the law in any fashion in the next 27 years he can still be sent to prison.
    I know house arrest is going to be hard for a young person, but it’s a lot better than prison. I feel very thankful. And for those of you who wonder (I did) he will be allowed to go to school, work, and church. I guess when it’s safe to travel this is where we will be going for most of our leisure travel.
    Thank you to all who expressed concern and kind wishes. It really meant a lot to me.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Thank you for the update. I’m glad he avoided prison and got house arrest instead. Perhaps he can do some sort of online training or education?

      I’m curious, though. I’ve heard the term “house arrest” a lot but have no idea what it entails. If you don’t mind, could you explain it? And if you don’t feel up to it, I completely understand.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Just in general terms they have to stay in their home unless they are going out for specific reasons such as work or a doctor appointment. They may have to wear a GPS if there are any units available. And they probably have to get clearance (get an okay) in advance of leaving the house. They may have to check in on return to the house also.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Not so New Reader just explained it very well. He is allowed to go to work, school when it reconvenes, and church. He is not allowed out of his yard after I think 9 pm. He wears an ankle bracelet to keep track of his whereabouts. He was already doing that; he volunteered to wear one when he was bonded out of jail in November so that part’s not different, he will just be more restricted now. I’m sorry it all came to this, he had some worthy goals that he will never be able to fulfill now. Of course, I know it’s his own fault, but all of these things happened between the ages of 13-15 (he’s 17 now) which is not the age of best judgement. If he had complied and stayed in the juvenile system he could have come out and had it expunged at 21, but since he was charged as an adult, that option is not longer there. He had plenty of chances to turn this around and rejected all of them, so here we are.

        1. PhyllisB*

          By the way, I realize he can go on and have a good life, it’s just that he wanted to go in the military, eventually become a lawyer, and other things. Of course all this is a no go now. And if I understand correctly, he won’t even be allowed to vote.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Keep an eye on things:
            I think they are looking at changing the voting laws regarding people with convictions.
            Also keep an eye on what is happening with cases involving those under the age of 18, that is evolving also. There may be huge steps in a new direction.

            I don’t know your state’s laws. But here in NY this case might end up sealed anyway. It sounds like his charges were reduced? Ugh. This gets really technical but there is a long shot that this could end up sealed even if he is charged as an adult. This is because there is more than one reason to seal a case- the age factor is only one of the many reasons.
            HOWEVER, if the case is sealed there are still folks who can see the case – government or military. Now this is a hugely complex subject so the overall take away I’d say is wait and see. In terms of a background check by the military or government, more than anything they just want you to tell the truth. Many times they are not concerned about what you did, they just don’t want you to lie about it. This is tricky because people think their case is sealed and then find out that it’s not sealed for certain situations. Then they get caught lying, but are they really? If they think the case is sealed then they probably believe they don’t have to disclose.

            After that his next hurdle might be his age at the time he is released from home monitoring. There are age limits in the military, I believe. I could be wrong….

            One step at a time is a good idea here. I am very sorry about his lost dreams, I am very sorry about anyone’s lost dreams as it really hurts to lose a dream. Perhaps he can be encouraged to build a new dream. People without hopes and without dreams are the people who are the most worrisome. They see no future and they do not see anything to work toward.
            All I can say is that he seems to be able to draw people to advocate for him- so he has something likable about him that causes people to want to give him a chance. Sometimes people only see a sense of self-worth when they are looking in the eyes of another person. Perhaps your role now is you provide those eyes for him to look into.

            Hugs.

            1. PhyllisB*

              Thank you, Not So New Reader. Yes, I know there’s a chance they will change voting laws; he didn’t commit violent crimes, it was car theft and he was charged with felonies. The reason he was charged as an adult is because he master-minded an escape which resulted in physical violence against the guards and he was charged with assaulting an officer. He did not participate in the violence, they have video proving that. However, he did plan the escape and escaped in the melee stayed on the run for several weeks before he was turned in by someone he knew. I don’t know if this was one of his listed charges when he went to court because I wasn’t there to hear.
              You are right that he will have to find new dreams and you are also right that he has a lot of people trying to help him, and he is definitely likable. If you met him without knowing anything about him you would be impressed about what a fine young man he is. I mean he IS a fine young man, but you get my point.
              He will be 21 when he comes off house arrest.
              Since these are felony charges and he was charged as an adult I don’t know if his record will be sealed or not. Like you say, we will just have to wait and see.
              I appreciate your kind and encouraging words.

              1. Traffic_Spiral*

                Oddly enough the violent crimes would have impeded his legal career less (although any felony can hurt your chances of federal aid). Basically the legal world figures that if you were violent in your past but chose to become a lawyer, there’s a good chance you’ve left your Solve Conflict Through Face-Punching stage behind and are willing to embrace the way of Solve Conflict Through Argument and Sternly Worded Paperwork.

                Clever criminals, on the other hand, are considered a far greater risk. So masterminding an escape plan is the sort of thing that will definitely put the kibosh on any chance of a law license. Basically they figure that’s the sort of person that can do the most damage as a lawyer.

              2. Clisby*

                Whether this will affect his ability to vote probably depends on the state he’s in. For example, in SC, a felon can regain voting rights once he/she has completed the entire sentence (this includes any probation/parole.) They have to re-apply for voter registration – it isn’t just automatically restored to them – but they definitely aren’t barred from voting forever. I think most states have a system like this.

          2. Emma*

            I am a relatively new reader, so did not see your initial posts. I don’t know about the military, but there are examples of people with criminal convictions who have gone on to qualify as lawyers in the US. I remembered a story I had read and have now found it – Reginald Dwayne Betts wrote an excellent piece in the NY Times a few years ago about his life after a felony conviction when he was 16, including his post-conviction experience with law school. Betts, from the article, is clearly both exceptionally gifted and exceptionally driven. What Betts has done is hugely impressive, and I thought you might find some hope in his story (I haven’t linked, but you should be able to find the article by searching his name if you are interested in reading it).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      This is what I have seen with many court cases. The courts want the person to succeed. They give the person many opportunities. And it’s how I read this one, the judge, the prosecutor, everyone sees something in your grandson that they hope will turn around. People argue that our courts are too lenient. That may/may not be true. I do think that courts overall tend to realize that first and foremost this defendant is a Fellow Human Being. I think he has been given one last shot at picking a different road. I deeply and sincerely hope he succeeds in turning his life path around. I know it can be done.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Have been looking for an update. I have been hoping for the best for all of you…

    5. Sam I Am*

      Thanks for the update and best of luck to you and your family.

      If he has fees- for the monitor, for probation, for anything at all he needs to keep the records of when he paid, most likely for the rest of his life. The amount of times the state comes waltzing back in saying “Looks like you owe us for x,y,z from abc years ago plus penalties/ interest” is RIDICULOUS. He needs to keep documentation that he paid them or I swear he’ll end up on the hook for paying at least some of it it again. The programs that administer these things are high in turnover and stretched thin, and lots of documentation falls through the tracks. The system is broken and he needs to protect his future.

  41. blackcat*

    On a completely different note, we had a hilariously adorable social distancing violation yesterday:
    My neighbor’s dog got out, rushed in through our open front door, ran straight up to my toddler, flopped on her back and demanded belly rubs. Before I could get there, toddler flopped on dog and gave a giant hug. Cue tail wagging and giggles.
    This dog is the most people-loving dog, and my kid loves this dog. Keeping them separate when we all happen to be out walking can be a challenge, and it’s been one of the small but very sad parts of this pandemic.
    It was nice, for a minute, to have the two of them together again.
    (my cat was thoroughly displeased by this entire series of events, though)

    2. Asenath*

      My sister’s dog was dismayed when they met one of her dog friends while walking and both humans kept themselves and their dogs well away from each other while saying hello. The other dog was baffled too – she was making all the dog moves that signal a willingness to play, she clearly recognized her canine friend…and they couldn’t get close to each other?? What’s going on???

    3. ThatGirl*

      There is a large retriever or Irish setter in our neighborhood who aggressively loves everyone and flops down on her back for belly rubs at the drop of a hat. It was definitely a bummer yesterday to see her wiggling across the street and not be able to say hi.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      My cat protested when I told her the neighbour can’t pet her. She loves him to pieces.

  42. Llellayena*

    What’s everyone planning to do for Mother’s Day, since not everyone can visit and there are no restaurants open?

    I can visit my mom (she had and fully recovered from covid), but my usual options are limited. I can’t really get anywhere to buy things, we can’t do our usual weekend trip, and no restaurants. I need some inspiration.

    1. WellRed*

      Where I live, lots of restaurants are offering special mother’s day meals for pickup. Is something like that an option?

    2. Jdc*

      We are just hanging out at home and ordering food. My only Mother’s Day wish ever is to not cook or clean. Since we are outside working on a project today I’m thinking maybe some couch time with a movie.

    3. Lcsa99*

      Its also my Mother-in-law’s bday so we usually have them come over and cook them a special meal. So this time I am jut making foods that reheat well and we’ll bring over a care package to leave on their doorstep, including the purple cake I mentioned last weekend that’s been in the freezer.

    4. Natalie*

      This is my first Mother’s Day as a mom. I’m not a big Mother’s Day person in general but I’ve been missing out on so many normal new parent things that I asked my husband to actually do something. So we’ll see what he cooks up (possibly literally).

      My dad is coming this afternoon for a gift handoff between me and my stepmom and tomorrow we are all going to a drive in music thing (in separate cars). We sent my MIL a desk plaque with photos of our daughter. Apparently it won’t arrive until next week but she’ll love it.

    5. Might be Spam*

      My mother only wants phone calls on Mother’s Day and wait for warm weather. She wants us to come separately and sit outside without masks. So when the temperature hits 70 she will have 5 more Mother’s Days.

      She likes practical gifts like the new cleaning kit for her new hearing aids. One year I gave her fertilizer for her garden. My mom never swears, but she told her friends that she got sh*t for Mother’s Day and couldn’t keep a straight face. (That was her favorite part of the gift.)

    6. Overeducated*

      Drink. Yeah, that sounds bad, but I thought mimosas sounded really nice so i asked my husband to pick up ingredients on our biweekly shop yesterday. He got a small growler of a nice stout as well. We’ve been enjoying more hot breakfasts/brunches since we are home weekends lately so will enjoy it then. My kids are too little to do much to mark mother’s and father’s day.

      We will Skype my mom and call my MIL too. I got my mom a Washington Post subscription because she’s mentioned wanting one but not wanting to buy it, and we rotate buying flowers for MIL between siblings.

    7. Sunset Maple*

      I ordered my mom a necklace two weeks ago and it came on Wednesday. I will be dropping it off tomorrow morning on her porch, then calling her at lunch to let her know its there. (They have several acres, so I’m not worried about porch pirates. You can’t see their house from the road.)

      Aside, the Mejuri horoscope necklaces are gorgeous, and if you check the “it’s a gift” box, they send it in a beautiful drawstring bag with a custom gift card. I want one for myself after seeing hers in person.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I got my mum some flowers and a tiny chocolate cake at the grocery. We ate the cake already, lol.

    10. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My mom’s local bookstore does delivery now, so I had some new books delivered for her present. They’ve already arrived, and she’s going to open them tomorrow. I’m going to send her a picture of me and the dog holding a “Happy Mother’s Day” sign tomorrow because I can’t think of anything else. I haven’t been able to fully isolate (there aren’t enough grocery delivery slots to go around, so as a younger person at lower risk I’ve been going to the store every 3 weeks in person instead, plus my dog has needed to go to the vet four times this month), so it wouldn’t be safe for me to go visit her.

      Usually, I come over the night before and we go out for breakfast together early in the morning. (She is a morning person and I am not. About 5 years ago, we figured out that the local “nice” breakfast/brunch place is actually not that hard to get into on Mother’s Day if there are only two of you and you show up early rather than with a large group at 10am, so that became our tradition.)

      This stinks.

    11. allathian*

      We just had coffee and a store-bought cake.
      I called my mom and my husband called his mom.
      My son had made a cute pen topper (a paper flower) for me and now he’s sending texts to his grandmoms (after I prompted him).

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I nixed my daughter’s perennial request fir pancakes in favor of MY favorite cinnamon French toast. And my husband is turning some of the current round of bread dough into gooey buttery cinnamon rolls for me.
      His mother is just out of the hospital (non-covid) and too far away for a quick drop-and run so I don’t know what he’ll do there.

      1. Diahann Carroll*

        The cinnamon rolls sound AMAZING right now. I had French toast this morning as well (it’s my birthday today) – it turned out pretty good. I don’t make it much – too much effort required.

    13. Loves Libraries*

      My mother is no longer living but I’m wearing a T-shirt from her alma mater to honor her. All 3 of our children are home. The youngest was sent home in March from a semester abroad in France. The middle came home after WFH for 3 weeks in his apartment by himself. The oldest has been in an out of his office, essential due to security reasons. My husband cooked breakfast and lunch. All 3 children gave me chocolates but too much to eat by myself so I have to share. I want to get a picture with our covid hair.

  43. coffee cup*

    I’ve not told anyone in my real life this but over the last month I’ve been chatting to an awesome guy. Catch? Of course! He lives in a whole other country. Setting aside the pandemic, it’s already a big issue and, I realise, possibly slightly absurd. However, I really like talking to him and I can *tell* he’s into me in the same way, which never happens (it’s always one or the other!). I’ve online dated for a loooong time and I’m in my 30s so I’m not foolish enough to meet someone online and think it’s a Real Thing without meeting, but honestly for the first time in ages I feel totally relaxed with someone, even from a distance. I’m not anxious if he’ll reply, I don’t worry about what I talk to him about… I honestly think, why not? Times are hard and if this situation has reminded me of anything it’s to just go with things if it’s possible and not self-doubt myself into oblivion.

    I wondered, therefore, if anyone had any positive long-distance online dating stories? I am well aware of the bad ones and don’t wish to have any more of those for now! Not naive, just fancy hearing good news and optimism if at all possible. This might come to nothing at all, but I’d like to hear it nevertheless :)

    1. Schmitt*

      Met online at 17, moved to Germany at 20, married at 21, it’s been 17 years of marriage now so… :)

    2. Not A Manager*

      I met my husband online. We were long-distance friends with a bit of a frisson for a few months before we met in person. Then we had a long-distance relationship for several years before we were able to move in together. We did see each other in person, though.

      My advice is, enjoy this for what it is right now. Feeling safe and relaxed with someone is a wonderful gift, no matter how long it lasts or what the relationship ultimately becomes.

      1. coffee cup*

        Aw, glad it worked out for you! Yes, I’m enjoying it a lot. I think it helps that I’m not going out and I know I can’t even try to date anyone so I wasn’t looking to, we just fell into messaging and it’s so easy to talk to him. We talked on the phone last night for 4 hours!

    3. Impska*

      I met my husband online and have been married almost 20 years. I lived in Canada and he lived in the USA. We got married pretty quickly and I moved to the States.

      My husband had more experience than me with online dating. He pushed to talk in the phone and then meet in person very soon after we connected. He wanted to make sure I was who I said I was.

    4. Kiitemso*

      A friend of mine married her wife after dating long distance for 3 years, they had 10 000 km (over 6000 miles) in distance and met online talking about music. After doing the long haul flights back and forth for 2.5 years they started working on the immigration process to bridge the gap and got a lawyer specialized in UK LGBTQ immigration to help them out.

      Another couple I know were online buddies for 10+ years, finally met up irl in 2016, started dating, married in 2018 and now live in his home country.

    5. TechWorker*

      I have a friend who met his girlfriend of ~4 years online gaming. She is American and he is British. They would be getting married this summer if it weren’t for Coronavirus :) they’re great together.

    6. JanetM*

      Met at a science fiction convention in fall 1988 (we had mutual friends), dated long-distance until spring 1990 with three visits totaling about 12 days, I moved cross-country, we lived together until winter 1991, we got married, and we’re still happy and content together.

    7. SunnySideUp*

      I have no experience to share, but it sounds absolutely lovely and I hope you just enjoy it for the warm human connection it is! Those can be rare even in normal circumstances.

  44. Marguerite*

    This is a health-related question, so apologies in advance for any TMI. My allergies tend to worsen and flare up when I get my period- is this normal? Is there any connection between the two? Does it have to do with hormones?

    1. MMB*

      It’s not unusual and yes it’s related to the fluctuation in estrogen and the effect on histamines.

      1. Nose Drip*

        Woah, so interesting. I should start tracking my allergies to see if they correlate. Any tips? I’m drowning in my allergies (cat + pollen + old house). I already take an antihistamine pill, antihistamine spray, and steroid spray.

    2. Erin*

      I don’t know the answer to this but I did recently learn that it’s not uncommon for women to develop new seasonal allergies during/after pregnancy, thought to be due to hormonal shifts. So I would guess that there could be a related phenomenon connected to the hormonal shifts of your menstrual cycle.

      1. allathian*

        This happened to me. When I gave birth to my son in late May, that year there was a lot of birch pollen. I became allergic to birch pollen. Luckily my symptoms are fairly mild, but I do notice that they’re more severe when my period’s about to start or has just started.
        My problem is that I can’t take antihistamines, because they make me unbearably drowsy the next day. Last week I had as severe symptoms as I get, kept sneezing all the time and had a runny nose and runny eyes. I took an antihistamine pill before bed that day. The next day I was drowsy and couldn’t get anything done (luckily it was a Saturday), and I fell asleep on the couch and just slept from 2 pm to 4.30 pm…

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      In my (admittedly anecdotal) experience, anything related to inflammation flares up during menstruation. My allergies and asthma always get a little worse then. Taking an NSAID around the clock, even if you don’t need it for pain, seems to help.

    4. Salymander*

      Yes, worse allergies during menstruation is a thing, or at least it was for me. Such a nuisance! And my allergies were even worse than that when I was pregnant. Then I went through menopause, and suddenly now I am not sick for 6+ months of the year. Fewer migraines, less severe allergies, less acne. Hurrah for menopause!

  45. Foreign Octopus*

    Has anyone had or has Invisalign treatment?

    I’m thinking about going to my dentist and asking for a consult to see if I’m eligible for it. The reviews I’ve seen are mostly positive and the before and after photos away from the website (i.e. posted by normal people on their own blogs and what not) seem to be really good, but I’m hoping someone here has personal experience they wouldn’t mind sharing. I want to correct a posterior open bite that’s a result of years of adult thumb sucking due to childhood trauma and this seems like a really good treatment option – invisible, relatively painless, if a little expensive – but I’m naturally suspicious of things that seem too good to be true, and this is one of those things.

    1. Bluebell*

      My sister did Invisalign but a year later ended up needing to do regular braces because her dental issues were too serious.

    2. Jdc*

      My mom did it and had great success. It’ll of course depend on how much things need to move. They are usually for smaller issues that require less movement. She raves about it.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      I did it and it worked perfectly fine. I’m glad I did it. My teeth was my biggest insecurity, and straightening them significantly improved my comfort with my appearance. If you have more detailed questions about the experience, I would be happy to answer them.

      Some details about my treatment: Mine lasted a year, but I had to wear a retainer around the clock for 3 more months to “set” my teeth. After that, I just started wearing my retainer at night. The treatment was most uncomfortable in the beginning, but you get used to the feeling of having something in your mouth all the time, and the routine of taking it out to eat, etc. I did have to forego eating very chewy foods (like bagels) during my treatment.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Thanks for your insight.

        A couple of other commenters are mentioning that they have to wear the retainers every night after. Does that depend on the type of changes that need to be done, or is it a general thing that everyone needs to do? And how would you recommend I go about finding someone to do this? What sort of qualifications should I look for i.e. orthodontist over dentist?

        I appreciate you taking the time to tell me about this as my teeth aren’t bad, but I do just want to close the open bite for vanity’s sake.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I had old-fashioned braces and yes the retainer is necessary. I didn’t report when I’d lost mine (the classic cafeteria tray return error) and yes my teeth shifted. Never as bad as before, though.

        2. lazy intellectual*

          Retainers are something everyone needs to do. People with traditional braces get them, too. It’s very important you wear them, because your teeth will shift back without them and you will have to do another treatment to fix your teeth again.

          I did consultations with 3 dentists before I settled on one. (This also happened to coincide with me needing to find a dentist anyway since I had moved and was off of my parent’s health insurance.) I compared prices to make sure no one was ripping me off, the timelines the dentists recommended (they all recommended the same timelines), and looked at reviews online through my insurance website. My current dentist had consistently good reviews. I still see him for regular cleanings. I didn’t consider an orthodondist, so I’m not sure how you would go about comparing them.

    4. Lulubell*

      I did it about 10 years ago and it was super easy. I had them for just over a year, went to the ortho every few weeks to get the new trays, and while there was always mild aching while adjusting to the new trays, it was MUCH better than braces which I had as a teen. When the series was done, the ortho put wires in the back of my teeth to keep them straight, as well as gave me retainers to wear at night. 10 years later and my teeth and bite are still perfect. I would do it again if I ever needed to.

    5. Just Another Manic Millie*

      I wore Invisaligns when I was 67. I had worn metal braces from the age of 13 to 16 and was never given a retainer afterwards. But when I was 67, my dentist told me that my teeth had finally shifted a more than acceptable amount, and he recommended Invisaligns. I needed only one box of ten. A lot of people need two or three boxes, maybe more.

      Wearing them was no problem, as long as you’re prepared to let them take over your life. Ideally, you should wear them 22 hours each day, but since that’s practically impossible, you should wear them a minimum of 20 hours a day. You have to take them out when you eat or drink something (except for water), and you have to brush your teeth and clean the Invisaligns before you put them back in your mouth. It took me approx 15 minutes to brush my teeth (I use 3 toothbrushes) and clean the Invisaligns, so if I had three meals a day, that would be 45 minutes out of the 2 hours, leaving me with 1 hour and 15 minutes of eating time for the three meals. Most of the time, I ate two meals a day. Luckily, I didn’t drink coffee throughout the day, or else I would have had to brush my teeth and Invisaligns after every cup. If you like to go to the movies (I don’t), you’ll have to think twice if you like to eat and drink anything during the movie, because the chances are you won’t want to walk out of the movie to brush your teeth, and you’ll have to keep track of the time the Invisaligns are out of your mouth before you can get home and brush your teeth. The same applies if you go to bars to have a drink with friends. You have to worry about the amount of time the Invisaligns are out of your mouth.

      After I was finished with them, I was given retainers to wear every night. Even though I wore them every single night, my dentist told me eight months later that my teeth had shifted (I hadn’t noticed), and I should wear my final Invisalign (which he had told me to hold onto) for three weeks all the time (except when eating). I did so, and he was pleased with the results.

      It’s worth asking your dentist about it. It’s cheaper than metal braces. And they’re invisible, which might appeal to you. (It didn’t matter to me, because at the age of 67, I just didn’t care.)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        67!?? OMG my dentist told me in my 30s I was too old to correct the odd bite I ended up with after teenager braces. (Outdated practices, they made for fast work, pretty exterior, and a bite weird enough that a dentist in my 20s suggested orthodonture.)

        1. Just Another Manic Millie*

          I figure that as long as you still have your teeth, you’re not too old to get them corrected if necessary. I have no idea why my orthodontist didn’t have me start wearing retainers at night when I was 16. At first, I thought that they didn’t know about retainers back then. In some TV show, a woman said to her former stepdaughter, “I haven’t seen you since you had braces on your teeth!” The actress who played the former stepdaughter had a huge gap between her top front teeth. And there was a former co-worker who was a few years older than me who would have been really pretty if her top front teeth weren’t so crooked. I was so surprised (but I didn’t show it) when she said that she wore braces when she was a teenager. After I started wearing Invisaligns, I figured out that the actress and co-worker were never given retainers.

          But some orthodontists did believe in retainers back then. My cousin, who is a few years younger than me, told me that after her braces came off, she was given the choice of having a wire put in behind her teeth or having to wear retainers every night. She chose the wire, which eventually broke, and since she never did anything about it, her teeth have shifted.

          I know someone else now in her thirties who was told to wear retainers every night after her braces came off but decided not to do it. Now, in her thirties, she is wearing Invisaligns. I guess I’m lucky that it took my teeth more than 50 years to get out of line.

    6. Sparkly Librarian*

      I had braces as a teen, and then Invisalign-like retainers for a year after (was supposed to be longer). I wasn’t able to keep up with the regimen, and par of that was that I was a young person starting college and didn’t have my life together, and part of it was what I wanted/needed to do with my daily activities. I was a theatre major with a vocal performance minor — every day I took class where I needed to speak or sing clearly. The retainers made me a mushmouth (worse than braces or even my full-mouth retainer from middle school) and changed the shape of my vocal instrument. I had to take them out for class, rehearsal, and performances, as well as for meals. Keeping track of them, remembering to put them back in, and keeping them clean was a larger commitment than I was ready for. Consider whether you’ll be able to keep a good routine for the months or years you’ll be wearing them.

      And they’re not invisible. They changed my mouth/lip shape as much as braces, and they’re noticeable in person.

    7. MinotJ*

      I finished a year of Invisalign in January. I’m in my early 40’s. I’m not sure I’d recommend it over regular braces.

      I had problems with jaw pain and jaw popping throughout the process. I found it distressing, but maybe it would have been okay if I’d known it was going to happen and then stop.

      Are you okay with the concept of wearing the last Invisalign tray or a retainer every day 24/7 after your treatment ends, and then every night after that, forever? I’m resigned to it because I spent a crap-ton of money and these teeth are not going back to their crookedness.

      I’ve developed an open bite because of Invisalign. I was very good about keeping it in for over 22 hours/day, but my jaw stretched to hold this new position. I can chew just fine, but my jaw just hangs open a bit all day. I’m not fond of this change. My teeth used to fit together neatly and my jaw was closed. I miss that a lot. I’ve considered going back for wire braces for a few months so my jaw can learn to be all the way closed again without my teeth shifting.

    8. ronda*

      I didn’t love it. and the main tooth that was rotated ended up with bad gum issues…. I think were caused by the invisalign.

      I found the trays painful and they did not close my bite like promised. The dentist and Invisalign were no help with resolving this.

      One thing my sister said after this that I do believe …. The dentist is not qualified to move your teeth… that is what the orthodontist is for.

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      Thank you, everyone, for telling me your experiences. It’s helped to make things clearer in my mind. I’m still not decided on whether I’ll go down the Invisalign route but it’s been really useful to hear about other people’s experiences with it, so thank you.

    10. TechWorker*

      My best friend has them and is getting good results. The main annoyance seems to be having to be super careful with food/drink – she takes it out before eating/drinking anything other than water & brushes her teeth before putting it back in. Which is fine for sit down meals but means snacking or eating takeaway food when you’re out and about is a bit harder.

    11. Cambridge Comma*

      When you go to get quotes make sure the places you go offer conventional braces too. Otherwise they won’t tell you if your problem is too severe for Invisalign to fix as they’ll want to make the sale.
      Everyone I know in Spain who has had orthodontics gets a permanent retainer, which is a wire glued behind your teeth. I’d never heard of that before moving here.

    12. MKM*

      I would also suggest you push them on “worst case scenario, time-wise”. I got them with the expectation that I’d have them for 9 months, and ended up going for over 2 years. Plus the lifetime of night guards that other people have mentioned. Although, to be fair, I think the night trays are serving multiple purposes – keeping teeth in place and preventing a lot of grinding. And also to be fair, there was no additional cost going from 9 to 27 months.

    13. Katniss Evergreen*

      I’m in the midst of a 7-month Invisalign treatment. I have 14 trays, and am on the 2nd week of tray 11. I am pleased with the results so far because the largest issue I wanted to fix was a big gap that’s stood out to me in every picture taken of me from the right side of my face for the last 12 years. I had braces as a very young child (first orthodontist scammed my parents into putting braces on a 6 y.o. that my next orthodontist said was completely unnecessary, but took 2 years to get to that guys) then again as a young teen 12-15. I messed up with my retainers about a year after that because I was tired off all of the sh*t with it, so I chose to fix it myself now that I have the $.

      Things I’d prepared myself for but still found annoying – cost ($3500, since no insurance coverage), brushing my teeth after eating anything at work or while out (highly annoying, thankfully so much better with WFH), and committing to wearing the thing as many hours as I should (recommended 22-ish, I’m probably between 18-20). Since my problems aren’t major, and the largest one is responding, I don’t feel a huge push to change my habit with that, and I’m almost done. I’m satisfied enough with how this is going that if they *think* I need more I’m not going to get more trays once I’m done with the 14.

      Seeing the comments from others about bite issues – I think I would have a new overbite problem if I needed trays for both my upper and lower jaws, with how my mouth is set and how the one tray for my upper teeth sits. Another thing that has been frustrating here and there is cleaning the trays through the 2-week wear period. I got 2 packets of those special cleaning crystals with my set of aligners, but honestly found it’s way more convenient to just scrub a little with my toothbrush and doesn’t seem to have an effect on the integrity of the aligners, as long as the toothbrush is rinsed first. Food tends to get stuck in the divets in the aligners for the small “brackets” built up on your teeth.

  46. Daphne (UK)*

    Currently furloughed (UK) so have embarked on Operation Deep Clean All The Things in my room. I’m an art school grad with a lot of stuff, and hoarding tendencies, so it’s taking a while!

    I’m finally onto organising my portfolios that have a combination of old artwork and scrap card/paper.

    I’m struggling to find a good system to sort scraps – any suggestions? By colour/texture/in boxes or folders?

    My boyfriend (who doesn’t live with me) suggests to bin it all…don’t want to resort to that just yet!

    1. Lcsa99*

      I would personally sort them by size, because that dictates what types of projects they can be used for – just simple patches vs larger things. And then maybe a subcategory for colors.

    2. glitter crayon*

      How would you look for them? It needs to be a system that reflects how you think!

    3. LizB*

      +1000 to glitter crayon’s point, you need to organize them in a way that fits your brain or you’ll never use them. As to the practical side, can you get a big accordion file? (I’ll post a link in a reply, but you can google and find what I’m talking about.) Easy to flip through, room for lots of different categories/divisions, you can label the tabs if that’s helpful.

        1. Daphne (UK)*

          Thanks Liz! The accordion file is a great idea – I’ve not got any at home right now so resorted to sorting by colour (i usually struggle to put my hand on a certain colour when I’m looking for it) in separate polly pockets (not sure what the American equivalent is) in a box file.

    4. Piano Girl*

      My husband is an artist/fine arts teacher with hoarder tendencies (his sister and mom were both hoarders). I am not. We recently moved and things had to get organized. To be honest, I did the bulk of the work. His important art pieces are in a couple of large vinyl portfolios you carry around with a strap. Card stock is organized by color in a file box in his office. Used art pads are in a box. Markers are in another. We have racks in our garage with a map of what is in each box. I tossed a lot of stuff (scraps, etc) and continue to toss. The nice thing is we are finding things that have been missing for awhile! We may have to repurchase some things, but that is much better than having All The Things everywhere.

      1. Daphne (UK)*

        Commiserations for doing most of the work! Thankfully I did a big purge a few years ago of large pieces that I had already digitised/was sick of carting from place to place (living at home with parents just now). The artwork I have kept are in a large portfolio with straps like you describe…the most recent life drawing will need condensing but that’s for another weekend! Great suggestions for everything else!

  47. Lost in the Woods*

    Yarn crafts! How’s your knitting/crocheting going?
    After several weeks of low motivation, I had an insanely productive week. I finished a hat which is winging its way to my mom for mother’s day, embarked on a beaded lace shawl I’ve had plans for for over a year, and yesterday I swatched for a sweater (again for my mom, the most knitworthy non-craftsperson I know) and cast on a colorful pair of socks. It feels great to be back in the swing of things!

    1. Grace*

      Not knitting/crochet, but I’ve started cross stitch this weekend after years of saying I was going to learn. I bought a kit off Etsy that comes with everything you need, although I will need to buy more floss because I’m running out of a few colours – but it really is addictive, and it’s something to do at the end of a long day that doesn’t involve even more screen time. I think I’ll be keeping it up post-pandemic.

      1. Book Lover*

        Make sure you check out flosstube – it is maynia and people are starting lots of projects. Good time to see what is out there. While you’re at it, check out pin stitch and loop start if not already familiar with them :)

        I am in that middle phase with all three of my projects – I guess I don’t believe in small projects so I have months to go on all of them. But they are looking fantastic so that is something. Fabric and floss ready for my next three projects.

    2. Dancing Otter*

      I am ahead of deadline on a mystery shawl knit-along, so I have gone back to my “Traveling Scarf” of many colors. The unplied cotton of the shawl is behaving better – couldn’t possibly be me, could it? – and the scarf is almost half done.
      Craft, but not yarn: I have been procrastinating since the first of the year on preparing the backing and then basting a flannel quilt top I pieced. Yesterday, I called and made an appointment to take it to a long arm quilter on Monday. We call it “quilting by checkbook“, and it will cost more than just buying a flannel quilt, but it will be DONE. So, now I really have to get the backing prepared, and iron the top that has sat for several months gathering creases (and cat fur).

    3. Fikly*

      After not cross stitching for a month due to concussion screen restrictions, I have happily dived back in, and have knocked out about 2 pages in less than 2 weeks. Oh how I missed you!

        1. Fikly*

          I do not, sorry!

          And I post pictures of my stitching on accounts with my actual name, and it’s fairly distinctive, so I try to keep it separate from here.

    4. LizB*

      My past couple weeks:
      1. Decided to use a bunch of yarn I had hanging around to make a sampler afghan pattern I’ve been eyeing for a while.
      2. Whoops, I actually don’t have nearly enough yarn for that pattern… I guess I’ll make a mini version to be a baby blanket for a friend who’s expecting in July?
      3. Crocheted the first three squares without too much problem, really enjoyed it!
      4. Attempted the fourth square, had an awful time trying to scale the pattern down to my mini square size, gave up.
      5. Attempted the fifth square, kept doing it wrong, realized it wasn’t scaling down well either, gave up.
      5. Decided to just make the afghan out of the first three square patterns so I don’t discourage myself all to hell, my friend and her baby won’t know the difference.

      So, a bit of a roller coaster, but I think I’ll have the blanket done in another couple weeks!

    5. Pharmgirl*

      I’m staying caught up on my temperature blanket, catching up on weekends. I finally got to add a new color (we hit 80s last Sunday), and I’m looking forward to more warmer weather so I can crochet more of those colors. A third of the way through the year, I have a distinct cooler section for Jan/Feb and another cool/warm section for April/May. I’m still really excited for this project which gives me hope that I’ll finish it!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I am waiting for mail order to bring me a few more skeins so I can knit a sweater for ME.
      I desperately need a break from failing to understand short rows for a project that has been on the needle for years.

    7. urban teacher*

      Working on a baby blanket I started years ago. Now the baby is in his first year of college. Finally decided to finish it since I’m home.

  48. Looking for clothes that wasn't made in a factory...*

    I’m in search for a lovely sleeveless jumpsuit (overall style but not denim) that is made with love rather than a fast fashion brand. Anyone have recommendations for Etsy stores or small clothes businesses? I’ve already tried looking for things in my city/state but nothing is coming up. Thanks!!

    1. Grace*

      I have a lovely formal jumpsuit (wore it for my graduation) from Yumi, and they have casual ones as well – I bought it in-store but they do sell online. They’re not an incredibly small business, and their clothes are made overseas (my few items all say China), but I wouldn’t call them fast fashion. It’s up to you whether you’d count that or not.

      (And in checking their website for this answer, I saw they currently have a 50% off sale. Do I need more dresses with prints of hedgehogs wearing top hats? No. Do I want more dresses with prints of hedgehogs wearing top hats? Yes.)

    2. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      Twisted Movement has a really soft halter onesie (what they call jumpsuits) in three different colors with pockets! It’s great for casual/weekend wear (I have it in black). She also has very sexy cutout bodysuits.

    3. pancakes*

      Garmentory might be a good place to look. It’s a site / platform for independent boutiques.

    4. Ellen Ripley*

      Tradlands? I know they’ve got ones with sleeves, not sure about sleeveless.

  49. What I’m mad about this week*

    Individuals selling items that ask you to pm them for the price. Why? Why not put the $$$ in post? Why make the customer do the work?

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Because it weeds out window shoppers? Allows the seller to view your profile before responding? Keeps competition from easily copying prices? Allows them to alter the price between buyers? Prevents you from comparing prices historically? These are my guesses only.

        I buy raw materials/gemstones from Instagram and I’ve noticed that foreign sellers do this (India, Afghanistan, Indonesia). My social anxiety is strong enough to prevent me from asking.

        1. What I'm mad about this week*

          Isn’t altering prices between buyers unethical?

          I used to moderate a message board where buying international items was common. We made a blanket rule that any ads have to have prices in them or they would be taken down and the person would get banned.

          The reason we did that was because it was very common for sellers to look at the person asking, think “possible customer is from the USA/UK so they can afford to pay more” and increase the price exponentially. Think..something that is sold locally for $100 in that country being sold for $600 to an overseas customer, not including shipping.

          Recently there was a post in a local community group and everyone was asking for the price and the person kept responding “please DM me.” Its a group rule to include prices. People got frustrated at the secrecy and the person eventually posted the price.

          The reason I ask is because my first assumption is that they’re doing something shady. I wanted to ask here and see if there’s a more charitable reasoning for doing so.

          2. CoffeeforLife*

            I don’t have a more charitable thought unless it’s to prevent price copying. Pretty sure it’s shady. And frustrating.

          3. Bex*

            I’m genuinely curious… why do you think it’s unethical to charge different prices to local vs US/UK buyers? If there is a tremendous discrepancy in the local currencies/earning power, then I’m comfortable with them offering it to local buyers for a much, much lower rate than what I would pay.

            “Fairness” is something I spend a lot of time thinking about. It’s so messy and complex, and it’s almost impossible to try to impose at any level without addressing underlying issues.

          4. RagingADHD*

            There are a lot of reasons to alter prices – such as finding out that nobody buys at your original price. Or a sudden increase in demand. Or discovering that a competitor has been successfully charging more. Or because you need to move inventory.

            Retail stores change prices all the time, but they can just alter the tag. They don’t have a social post out there that someone screenshotted.

            1. Fikly*

              Actually, retail stores are obligated to honor prices if they’ve advertised them.

              1. glitter crayon*

                Not in the UK! That’s a myth, they’re not obliged to sell at any price.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      Because it forces you into a relationship with them and possibly commits you to buying. :(

      It’s the same reason they don’t post prices at the farmers market. If you have to ask for the price, then you engage with the seller. Which creates a feeling – maybe not conscious – of obligation in you because now you have a relationship. So then you feel obligated to buy.

      I have to steel myself to keep walking if I ask the price and find it too high. I feel as if I am violating a social contract when I do it.

      1. pancakes*

        Our farmers’ markets here in NYC have prices on everything. I strongly suspect I wouldn’t like shopping in them nearly as much if they didn’t.

        1. TechWorker*

          Yeah I think it’s different everywhere.. I’d also say most markets where I live price everything but remember going to a market abroad where *nothing* had a price and basically buying nothing out of frustration because my Spanish wasn’t good enough to understand the answers anyway :p

    3. Wishing You Well*

      It’s not just the little sellers.
      Many large online sellers adjust their prices depending on the buyer’s profile, time of day and other factors. They know what you’ve bought in the past, etc. and can estimate how ‘rich’ you are. It’s perfectly legal in the U.S: “free market system”.
      If someone wants to buy a candy bar for $100, there’s no law stopping them. It’s “Buyer beware” here. So please shop around and know your prices. Also, if you’re willing to bargain, you could save some significant $.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      If it’s something that comes in sizes, such as clothing, the seller may charge more for larger sizes that take more material. Rather than post multiple prices by size, and potentially anger larger customers, they quote price for specific size upon inquiry.
      I’ve seen tirades about how unfair it is to charge more for plus sizes, and they’re not fun to view, let alone be on the receiving end.

    5. Reba*

      The price is negotiable ;)

      Although in a lot of cases, it makes me think, “if you have to ask, it’s out of your [my] range.”

  50. Ali G*

    What’s cooking y’all?!

    This weekend I am grinding my own beef!! I am so excited. I have a 3 lb chuck roast that I am going to combine with 1.5 lbs of tenderloin trimmings. It feels good to use my freezer instead of buying it.

    Tomorrow will be burgers from fresh ground beef. I am going to make 2 lbs of meatballs, roast them up, and freeze them. Then I am going to freeze 2 1 lb portions.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Oh! I did this with pork and chicken! Works beautifully especially if you have a vacuum sealer. I don’t have a grinder so I used my food processor and slightly froze chunks before putting them in. Feels nice to have all those portions ready to go <3

      1. Ali G*

        I do have a vacuum sealer! It’s the best. I want to do chicken and turkey soon. What parts of the chicken did you use? Did you buy it whole or just the parts you wanted?

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          The first time I used thighs because it was the cheapest cut. Afte trimming, the cost went up from .99c to $1.39/lb and I figured for that price I’d use breast, 1.79/lb, that was already boneless and save a bunch of time and hassle (I generally cook with both but they are recipe specific). They both cook up really well and I use them as beef replacements.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            We buy bone-in because we prefer making our own stock. At least as long as you’re able to take meat off the bones after cooking & before it goes to table, it makes better than boxed.

    2. Overeducated*

      Sounds awesome! Meatballs are the best.

      I’m cooking with an eye toward leftovers since cooking was too much on top of work, childcare, and exercise last week. Tonight i made a pot of pinto beans, guacamole, and pico de gallo for nachos that we’ll remix for burritos and quesadillas. Tomorrow I’m planning on rye bread and street cart chicken from Smitten Kitchen Every Day.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We made sushi on Wednesday. (All cooked or smoked ingredients.) Coincidentally I had stocked up on sushi rice and wrappers (nori) in late February. We’ve discovered we can mix sushi rice with almost half brown rice (cooked separately) to reduce the carb load a bit. Yes it’s a little more likely to fall apart, but this is an eat as you go family activity. Favorite fillings discovered over the years — carrot slivers boiled in rice wine vinegar & sake, smoked fish (including lox and home-smoked trout), broiled fish (cod with unagi sauce yum!), pickled turnip (middle-eastern luft), cream cheese, cucumber, avocado, and even chicken fingers & ham.

  51. Pregnancy talk*

    Flagging the topic in the title

    Is it realistic to try to head off any post-baby stress/PPD? Also, did anyone just go it alone?

    Reading some tips and articles on how to cope after birth, it seems like the common assumption is that majority of mothers will have someone around to help, a support network.

    In my case — it will be just me and my husband. My mom lives with us and I have friends but not the kind of friends who would drop by or anything physical.

    Right now my two things I’ve focused on are the delivery and breastfeeding. I began to research formula; Id like to breastfeed but if for any reason it doesn’t happen, we’re open to formula. Biggest takeaway I got is that I just won’t know what formula the baby will tolerate til they’re here. I just want to avoid feeling guilty or stressed out because I can’t breastfeed. Same thing for C-section and vaginal birth. My MFM has said there’s no reason I can’t do a vaginal birth but of course anything can happen and I want to be mentally prepared for a C–being diabetic, wounds take longer to heal so that’s something I want to be ready for. I don’t have a “birth plan” except that we both come out of this alive and healthy.

    I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this. I haven’t announced it on social media and don’t plan to I think, and I don’t want to overload my friends with this, so I enjoy writing my thoughts out here anonymously.

    1. Ranon*

      I’m not going to lie, it will be tough! But you’re not the only one going through this and other people have done it before.

      On the formula front, while it’s true that some babies don’t tolerate some formulas, rather a lot of babies tolerate most of them just fine. You have some risk factors for a delayed start to your milk coming in so having some formula on hand can be really handy as a supplement, the pre made bottles are the easiest in the early days because they’re small and you don’t have to think to use them. If you want to sell your info you can get samples from the big manufactures and the hospital and your pediatrician should have samples available as well (some hospitals are more restrictive than others about handing it over but they all have it).

      If you or your partner have any current mental health challenges it can be good to make a plan for how you’ll access mental health care postpartum, sleep deprivation does a number on mental and physical wellness.

      You’re not going to be able to head off all the stress- it’s very hard to add a new person to your household, particularly one that doesn’t even know how to be a person yet! But setting expectations that it will be hard and you’ll do it anyways can help.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Heh, funny story I was asking my friends about formula the other day. Literally the next day I got a package in the mail of pre-made bottles of Similac formula. Even though I never signed up for them. spooky lol.

        1. RagingADHD*

          If you’ve purchased anything baby related at a big retailer or online, even prenatal vitamins, you’re on the list.

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              Makes perfect sense. PPD came up here and I’m seeing ads/discussions on my FB feed now. -_-

    2. Parenthetically*

      I had/have postpartum anxiety with both kids. It went undiagnosed the first time around (after a traumatic birth) and cleared up after a few weeks. This time I’m on a low dose of Zoloft. The best thing for me this time was to flag my tendency for anxiety/depression and my previous experiences in advance with my providers — midwife, counselor, GP — and be ready with a plan. Stepping up counseling, taking medication, exercising, massage, etc. have all been helpful.

      I also think that learning to notice physical symptoms AS SYMPTOMS and just generally learning to be aware of and accepting of all emotions is a crucial element of being as emotionally healthy as possible. “Support systems” for me haven’t meant people stopping by, per se, but listening ears.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I haven’t done hard research on it but just based on friends’ anecdotes alone, seems like there’s a connection with PPD and traumatic birth.

        Thank you for sharing your experience, hope you’re doing well now!

    3. MissGirl*

      I’m not a parent but a close friend didn’t have a lot of help, her mom was out of state, his had passed. She’s not a super advanced preparer so when she went into labor in her seventh month, they had almost nothing. Luckily, their baby only required a few weeks in the NICU.

      With the early arrival and spending all their time in the hospital, they had the bare minimum. She wrote a blog post on how surprised she was that none of that really mattered. She needed, diapers, bottles, onesies, and blankets. Taking care of the baby came naturally. She let a lot of stuff go because of the surprise. For instance breast versus bottle was decided for her.

      1. MissGirl*

        Not to imply it was easy. Obviously they had a tough time but just that all the things they were worried about weren’t the things that ended being a problem.

    4. cat ears*

      sounds like you have a birth plan: healthy mum& baby!
      I didn’t have family support either – closest family was about a 10 hour plane ride away. And, neither my mother nor my husband’s would have been able to help, physically. So, no support network at all. You have your mother? As for other things: just do your best, and let everything else go. It’s good to be aware of PPD, so maybe talk to a doc/midwife now about signs and what to do, whom to talk to. But, just take it easy, lower expectations, and it’ll be fine.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yeah, that’s the approach I’m trying to take, just go with the flow as much as possible and keep expectations low. My mom lives with us but she’s elderly and has issues so I don’t expect her to do anything beyond maybe play with the baby a bit, or wash the bottles when necessary; babysitting or any substantial chores I won’t have her do.

    5. Natalie*

      Yes, you can definitely work on heading off postpartum mental health concerns, by attending to your mental health and coping skills *now*. It’s not any sort of guarantee of no difficulties, of course, but getting yourself in better mental shape now will benefit your postpartum mental health, and you’ll have an existing mental health support system in place if and when you need it.

      I think you have the right idea wrt staying flexible, but IME that doesn’t mean winging it with no plan at all. I’m not sure if you’ve taken any classes or done any reading about the first few weeks specifically, but if not I’d do that with your husband and talk about how you want to divide the load, with the understanding that you’re not going to predict everything perfectly and things can and will change on the fly. And talk about outside supports that are available to you – just because you won’t have someone come and stay doesn’t mean friends and relatives can’t help. Think about what you can hire out – lawn/snow, laundry, pet care, delivery. And people still want to help, we’ve had food dropped off or delivered, hand me downs, errands run, etc.

      1. Natalie*

        On birth plans – you absolutely can’t script a birth out, but you can still think ahead a bit. Our doula talked about birth goals. I thought of it like a choose your own adventure – X might happen, and if it does I would like Y and Z if medically possible. This is another place where I found a class helpful, just to be familiar with what’s typical, some common atypical things, common interventions, and some strategies for decision making.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Thanks this is helpful, choose your own adventure is the best way to describe it!

          So far, my only “plan” is that I want to do vaginal birth but if its necessary it’ll be a C-section. (I am just so scared of the C-section recovery). I’ll look into classes. I’ve read about people having exact birth plans, e it at home or in the hospital….this is my first but from reading of so many experiences, I know this can be very unpredictable.

          If anything positive coming from being on lockdown it’s that I’ve gotten used to being at home. Pre-covid I never had a day where I didn’t go out alone to the gym or running errands. At that time, I was worried how I would adjust as I don’t think I’d be able to go outside as easily with a baby or have a quick trip to the store. My mom friends tell me how much they enjoyed being able to go outside with a small purse or wallet and not a giant diaper bag lol

          1. Natalie*

            C section is a great example, actually, because there are things you can do that reduce the likelihood that you’ll need a surgical birth – avoid being induced, labor at home as long as possible, resting as much in early labor. These strategies can really benefit from some research and practice beforehand. Like, it’s not obvious how to rest during labor, and it’s probably not something you’ll figure out in the moment either.

            Not sure if you’ve considered hiring a doula but they can be a great resource. Ours wasn’t able to be in labor & delivery with us because of the pandemic but she was still absolutely worth the money. Most of them include some postpartum sessions which might be extra helpful for you.

            1. Cat*

              The newer evidence actually shows that inductions don’t increase the risk of c sections.

              1. blackcat*

                I think the evidence is that they do for first time mothers, but they *reduce* the risk for subsequent deliveries.

                Also, FWIW, a vaginal delivery is not necessarily easier recovery. I had a third degree tear from a precipitous delivery, and my recovery was worse than some friends who had c-sections (though better than many!). There’s a wide range of recovery for both c-sections and vaginal births.

                1. Potatoes gonna potate*

                  Oh yikes. I’ll admit I made that judgment from all the women I know who gave birth vaginally and were up and feeling fine within days, but yes there is a wide range of recovery.

                2. blackcat*

                  I mean, *walking* was fine. I was up and moving around just fine immediately (like <30 minutes after they finished stitching me up).

                  But my tear hurt A LOT for 8 weeks as it healed (there was a secondary infection and some complications). Sitting was really painful–though a donut pillow helped tremendously–and you do a lot of sitting breastfeeding a newborn. It was ~1 year before the scar tissue softened enough to not occasionally cause pain.

                3. blackcat*

                  I wanted to add, just so my comment doesn’t scare you, *on average* vaginal deliveries have easier recoveries. There are outliers in both directions, and the truly terrible c-section recoveries I know of were much worse than my recovery (c-sections are objectively harder on the body).

                  3rd and 4th degree tears are what can cause really rough recoveries, and they’re pretty rare even for first time moms. Generally only happens with precipitous labor, poor fetal presentation, or assisted delivery (vacuum for forceps generally require an incision).

                4. Potatoes gonna potate*

                  @blackcat I’ve heard of the same, difficult and easy deliveries for both. I don’t have hard data but just from talking to friends, the hardest recoveries were the ones that ended in emergency C-section after hours/days in labor.

                  On another note, I see new moms on social media, days after their C-section they had a totally flat stomach and full makeup. so jealous lol. (then again they are fitness models so healing was probably easier since they were in presumably good health)

                5. Cat*

                  I had a planned c section due to a breech baby. I’m not an Instagram fitness model. I’m in good health but plus size and just a normal person. Recovery was honestly a breeze. I think there’s a lot of luck and chance involved. But I also think a planned c section is probably very different from an emergency one most of the time.

                6. Cat*

                  Is that reversed? The ARRIVE study which showed no increase in c sections with inductions was all first-time mothers.

                7. blackcat*

                  Yeah, definitely the worst is folks who got the full, terrible, long labor then a c-section anyways.
                  My experience was extremely a-typical, but I felt 100% fine for the first two or three days after birth, then the pain set in/endorphins wore off/etc. What was tough for me was I was in pain for so long, long after I was told I should be fine.
                  My labor was extremely short, which meant that I was not at all physically exhausted by the process. I delivered a bit before midnight after arriving at the hospital around 11:15pm. By around 1am, baby had breastfed, I was up and moving, and frankly felt like I could run a marathon (endorphins!). I had spent most of the day alternating walking and napping (I was 41 weeks and had stopped working already). My husband had worked a full day was SO TIRED.

                  In contrast, I had friends who had just really long–like 48 hour–labors and they had a much worse first week or two than I did, but were generally pain free within two weeks. However, they also generally had really negative experiences, and my experience of actual labor was wild but not at all traumatic. So different deliveries have different near or far term problems.
                  I will also really echo what someone else said about really trusting your medical team. Shit went totally sideways for my 45 minutes of active labor. There were apparently lots of alarms beeping for both me and baby, and I remember being flipped onto my side, an oxygen mask being shoved on my face, and a number of other things that happened completely out of my control (and without explanation I could follow, but I couldn’t really follow anything). While it hurt like hell, I was never scared–I had complete trust that both I and the baby would be totally fine and that the medical team was going to do what they needed to do. That enabled me to just sort of ride the rollercoaster, and I think it’s that lack of fear that prevented any psychological trauma from it. My husband, on the other hand, was scared shitless and suffered a lot of anxiety in the following weeks that I think was related to that fear. (His summary of my labor to others: “It was so intense and terrifying and I thought they might die.” My summary of my labor to others: “It was so intense and primal and I totally get how wild animals can give birth then immediately kill a predator coming for their newborn.”)

                  So…. anything could happen! But having good trust in your medical team makes a big difference. Sometimes things will go sideways either in labor or recovery, but the vast majority of times things will still be okay.

                  As for the flat belly soon after baby… it’s like 85% genetic and then 10% luck, and *maybe* 5% within your control. For me it just… happened. It was actually really remarkable to see. I birthed a human 1/3rd my height (I am small, baby was big), and within 6 weeks the only signs visible to other people were my extra big boobs. I was back in my pre-pregnancy pants. No stretch marks. Skin retracted back (HOW?!?!). I still had an open wound in my perineum and was therefore not doing anything other than walking in my neighborhood for exercise. It was all genetic.

                8. Potatoes gonna potate*

                  @ Cat – I had a planned c section due to a breech baby. I’m not an Instagram fitness model. I’m in good health but plus size and just a normal person. Recovery was honestly a breeze. I think there’s a lot of luck and chance involved. But I also think a planned c section is probably very different from an emergency one most of the time.

                  Definitely, everyone is different. One of my friends had a difficult labor, emergency C section and PPD with her first, the second was a planned C and she says it was way easier the second time around. At my most recent appointment the ultrasound tech said the baby was in a breech position but when I met with the doctor he said it really doesn’t matter at this point because there’s still time for baby potato to flip around (I’m 27 weeks now). I want to keep myself open to either possibility.

              2. Natalie*

                You’re right that I oversimplified but I think you are oversimplifying as well. ARRIVE is one study and there’s a reason the researchers didn’t conclude that everyone should get induced at 39 weeks, and indeed no one I know of has updated their recommendations to blanketly favor 39 week induction. I hope the picture will become clearer as more research is done.

                (And just for the record, I’m not anti-induction or cesarean. I had a successful induction, and multiple friends of mine have had life saving sections. But when one is talking about an upcoming birth one is naturally talking about broad statistical trends, and given those it’s not odd to want to try and avoid major abdominal surgery.)

                1. Cat*

                  I didn’t say you shouldn’t try to avoid major surgery – I just said newer evidence suggests induction doesn’t necessarily increase the risk of it. There are certainly other reasons not to go for it and I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of an induction myself though it ended up being a moot point. I did give my experience about a c section but I thought I caveated pretty well that it was just mine.

      2. blackcat*

        Yes to doing some level of birth prep, including weighing what decisions you might want to make in the moment.
        After having a precipitous labor, I also recommend all women do at least some prep for an unmedicated delivery. While my prep didn’t help *a ton* given how bonkers it was, it did definitely help with any fear and such. I managed to get through the experience without it being traumatic to me (my husband found it traumatic, though), and I attribute a lot of that to the prep I did even though the birth was nothing like what I pictured.

        1. Natalie*

          I totally agree re: unmedicated delivery. Even if everything is going smooth and textbook, these days it’s pretty common to labor at home for some time before going to your birth center or hospital. So they’re good skills to have, even if you’ll be getting an epidural the second you are within spitting distance of anesthesia.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Seconding. I did hypnobirthing for my first. It was by no means pain-free, but not being scared was incredibly helpful.

            Doing the practice was extremely relaxing, too – like guided meditation.

          2. Parenthetically*

            Couldn’t agree more. And let me put in a pitch for a non-hospital-based birth class. In my time studying to be a doula I found that independent birth classes were FAR more likely to talk you through a range of options, rather than the ones that, say, reduced a hospital’s liability. YMMV, but that was definitely my experience.

    6. D3*

      Make a plan for what you’d prefer. Do what you can to help that happen. (for example, if you want to avoid a cesarean, don’t choose an OB with a 45% cesarean rate. If you want an unmedicated birth, take a class focused on that, etc.)
      Then when the birth comes, just navigate it to the best of your ability. Research shows that they WAY you give birth (vaginal, cesarean, medicated, unmedicated, induced, spontaneous, etc.) matters less than if you were treated with respect (care provider choice is so important!) and if you were able to make decisions and feel some control during the process. Respect and some control/decision making made for a positive birth experience. Both of you alive and healthy isn’t the only important thing. Birth trauma is real for a fair number of people, and if you can avoid it, that’s best for your mental health. (And again, choice of provider and place are key here. If you’re not happy or confident with either the place or the provider, it is worth looking for another option.)
      I feel like that translates to breastfeeding as well. Plan to breastfeed. Learn about breastfeeding. If you run into trouble, get support/help ASAP. And if it doesn’t work, feed your baby formula without guilt. Having a plan B is a good idea, but as you’re finding out, you can’t always have a fully fleshed out plan B.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Wow, I completely missed the being mistreated part! But you are right. I have read about birth trauma but it was related to friends who were long overdue and in labor for a long time before needing an emergency C-sections and had PPD after. You are right though, being mistreated is a huge factor! My first 2 pregnancies which were losses were definitely traumatic due to the way I was treated by the staff both times. I wouldn’t wish that nastiness or incompetence on anyone.

        I like my MFM and trust them. I haven’t been to the hospital they’re affiliated with but it’s considered a leading hospital and they encourage vaginal/VBAC. I am not sure if it’s even a thing to visit the hospital where you’d give birth, and if it is a thing, if it can be done nowadays given what’s going on.

        1. Natalie*

          Tours are totally a thing, although they might be virtual tours at the moment.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Yes, tours are 100% a thing and I would definitely see what your options are. I had a tour planned the week I ended up with a crash c-section due to HELLP. It would have been nice to have been able to see the labor unit before I came into triage in excruciating pain at midnight.

          And speaking of that and respectful treatment — while the circumstances of my son’s birth were genuinely dangerous and really objectively scary, I felt really cared for by my midwife and the surgical team. Each person on the team came in and introduced themselves before I went back for the surgery, so the first time I saw them wouldn’t be in a room full of total strangers with masks on. They spoke to me as a human and wanted to take care of me, and explained what was happening to the best of their ability. A huge reason I didn’t have long-term issues with that delivery, IMO, is the care I received.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            That’s really nice that they were good to you. I plan to bring this up at my next appointment, it’s a small office but their hospital is nearby. The people at the practice are generally nice and I feel comfortable with them.

            My first two pregnancies, both were in hospitals and they were either either indifferent or just insensitive (“well of course this happened, you’re overweight and diabetic, what did you expect?”).

    7. Analyst Editor*

      I’ve had two kids and had the PPD pretty bad the first time around, much less so the second. I have several thoughts on this topic regarding PPD, prepping your spouse, and breast-feeding (also, assuming this is your 1st baby):

      PPD: My unscientific, speculative opinion is that a lack of sleep is a MAJOR contributing factor. If you can afford it, and quarantine rules allow, have someone on hand to help you, at least the first few weeks — your mom, a doula — in ADDITION to any paternity leave your spouse gets (see more on that below). Have realistic expectations for yourself (as told by my mom, and borne out in practice for me -and these are for an uncomplicated vaginal birth): Two weeks for breast-feeding to feel good; one month to feel like doing anything — e.g. housework, leaving the house without it being The Hardest Thing Ever; two months for gingerly trying sex and light exercise; SIX months before even trying to lose the baby weight (around then you’ll notice some of it might just come off on its own, if you’re lucky).
      If you have no access to outside help, then it becomes all the more important to really prep your spouse, and be on the same page about expectations.

      SPOUSE: Prep your spouse. Or prep together as a team. In that respect, it might be helpful to take a class/read a book together, even if you don’t feel like doing it yourself….. Outline the importance of patience with regards to sex, house-care, weight-loss, or whatever other things he has opinions on. At the same time, let him have a role in planning and ultimately caring for the baby. My aunt (who had many, many children) had her husband do one formula feeding a night – though she mostly breast-fed – to get her modicum of sleep and make sure her kids had alternative caregivers. I think the more work he puts in towards this baby, in his own way, the more support he’ll give you. I think this article is a great run-down of potential pitfalls: http://www.drpsychmom.com/2016/02/04/baby-ruined-marriage/

      Finally, BREAST FEEDING: I’d say don’t be afraid of formula supplementation at the hospital; ultimately, “fed is best”. I definitely had anxiety attacks over it in those first days, but that’s all they are. HOWEVER, it’s well worth it to power through the first two shitty weeks (look up “reverse pressure softening” for engorgement — it REALLY helped me) and stick to it not only for the immune benefits to the child, but the convenience and the knowledge that you will always have nutritious food on hand for him, regardless of what circumstances you yourself are in. (Plus you can make a feminist statement by normalizing breast-feeding in public :p)
      I don’t know anything about how breast feeding aligns with diabetes, your medications, etc. though, so I guess it’s something to ask your doctor.
      ALSO: know that it is not forever. Breast-feeding is most critical in the first three months; afterwards, you can start introducing solid foods (so you don’t even have to stick to formula either for that long), and feeding itself becomes on-demand, meaning that you won’t walk around engorged and leaking most likely.

      Good luck! It’s super exciting! (Especially when you only have one, heh heh heh.)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes, this is the first that’s come this far. Thank you for this, it’s very detailed. I’m excited for this one but I’m already thinking about #2! lol

      2. blackcat*

        “Outline the importance of patience with regards to sex, house-care, weight-loss, or whatever other things he has opinions on.”

        OMG THIS.

        My husband expected sex to go back to normal within 2-3 months, and it absolutely did not for many reasons (breastfeeding killed my sex drive, my child did not sleep, I was in the midst of finishing my PhD, etc). My kid is approaching 3, and our marriage has just started to recover from that. He resented me terribly because I should have been “fine” after I physically healed, and I resented him for pressuring me for sex I did not want and was painful. I think it was actually worse because I naturally lost all but like 5lbs of the baby weight within 6 weeks (and the extra 5lbs was all boob). My body looked basically the same, but internally it was all out of whack both due to the physical trauma and due to hormones. But he couldn’t see all of those changes, and that made it hard for him to understand.

        One final recommendation: pelvic floor physical therapy! Even if you have a c-section, it can be really helpful.

        1. Natalie*

          Be ready to have some of those conversations twice, *headesk*. I took a lactation class and my husband and I took newborn care, both of which made it clear that in the first couple of weeks the baby eats constantly and slowly. We talked about it multiple times, in relation to when I felt comfortable with visitors. Fast forward to the second postpartum week and he’s astounded that the baby eats constantly and slowly. “Is that normal?” Yes, dear, that’s why we talked about a half dozen times before she was born!

          I think for everybody, birth giver or not, some stuff sinks in and other stuff just won’t until you’re living it.

        2. allathian*

          I was in active labor for nearly 24 hours and in the end I was exhausted, so they had to use a suction cup to get the baby out. That meant a cut. I managed to tear the stitches when I turned around (I’ve never been able to sleep on my back) and recovery took a long time.
          I’m very happy I have an understanding husband, because I couldn’t even think about intercourse before six months had passed. (By contrast, I’ve never been as horny as when I was pregnant.)
          I didn’t have enough milk so our son was partly breastfed and partly on formula (he was born hypogycemic and underweight, so he wasn’t allowed to lose an ounce of his birth weight, meaning that it took four days before I had any milk to give him and he also spent two days in NICU). For as long as we were in the hospital, he got donated breast milk. Donating is a bit of a hassle with the sterilizations etc. but I really, really am grateful to all the moms who do it. This meant that my husband could take care of a few of the night feeds early on. It took a long time for me to get back to sleep, whereas he just turned over and went out like a light. He was home for two weeks on paternity leave when we got home from the hospital, I took 28 months matenity and parental leave, that’s pretty standard here.

      3. J.B.*

        Yes. Do whatever you can to get a 5 hour uninterrupted stretch of sleep every night (one nightly bottle early can be a big help) or parents giving formula sometimes trade off nights. Sleep is the biggest single thing you may be able to improve.

    8. IntoTheSarchasm*

      We didn’t have a lot of help and had an emergency Cesarean on top of it. We did have an easy baby. I had no experience baby sitting or anything to rely on so I was worried. One day it occurred to me that I knew or was related to a lot of people with zero common sense and I figured that if they could keep a baby alive, so could I. An that was that, we got along fine.

    9. Thursday Next*

      I think I responded to a post you made last week under a different screen name—if you’re a different person, my response still applies; I wanted to explain that I’m only tackling the PPD questions since that’s what I commented on last week.

      I’m concerned about what you mean by “go it alone,” because if you are currently experiencing depression, or are concerned about the possibility of PPD, those are situations that call for assistance. There’s no substitute for professional screening and support.

      In addition in talking to your OB and PCP about mental health concerns, you can ask your pediatrician, once you’ve chosen one, whether they run or know of any *facilitated* new mothers groups (which will likely be virtual). The facilitator should be experienced in working with new mothers (it’s usually a nurse, social worker, or psychologist). It’s another layer of expert support for issues around postpartum mental health.

      As Natalie posted upthread, you can do things to prepare now. But you need the help of qualified people with whom you can have an ongoing relationship, not Internet strangers.

      This is a topic that hits close to home for me, and though I don’t know you, I am genuinely concerned that you’re not seeking care from appropriate sources.

      Please talk to professionals to see what, if any, help you may need. Btw, this is part of what people mean when they talk about a support network: who are the people on Team You (+ Baby)? It’s not always about who’s going to come by and surprise you with a lasagna—it’s the list of people you can call upon with questions and concerns.

      I’m rooting for you.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        “I am genuinely concerned that you’re not seeking care from appropriate sources.”

        ??? I’m seeing a doctor. Regularly. And no, I did not post about the pregnancy last week. I’ve been stressed out here and there but I think anyone would be in my situation (lost job, pandemic etc)? But, no, I’m not depressed. I’m just thinking out loud here about things.

        1. Thursday Next*

          My apologies, then. “PPD” is a term that pings my radar.

          As I said, my advice is relevant to anyone, even if not last week’s poster, who is concerned about PPD, and that advice does include seeking care from sources who can help new mothers with these concerns. Last week, I didn’t mention pediatricians as a possible resource, so I thought I’d put that out there.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I apologize if I sounded testy, I know this is out of good intent.

            Maybe PPD was the wrong thing to say. I admit I have very limited knowledge of PPD, just that it’s hormonal and can go from mild to extreme. I haven’t done any research on it.

            I think my bigger concern was the general accounts I hear of new mothers feeling guilty or otherwise stressed out with the new baby for not being able to breastfeed or do or feel certain things.

            I’m a planner and I like to know as much as possible beforehand. I have a tendency to stress when unexpected things happen (i.e., losing my job was a shock and it took me a while to get over it). I can anticipate that caring for a newborn will be difficult, along with lack of sleep , feeling overwhelmed etc. I know it won’t be all rainbows and cuddles, I just want to do what I can to be in a good headspace ahead of time if that’s possible.

            1. blackcat*

              So on the good headspace, one thing to be prepared for: you will do things as a parent that childless you would never have thought you would.
              I was adamant about safe sleep stuff. But as it turns out, my baby would not sleep flat in a crib. Just… wouldn’t. Not ever, until he could roll and sleep on his belly. The result of his complete refusal to sleep in a crib or bassinet was that my husband and I slept in shifts, holding him, and that was completely unsustainable. My wonderful pediatrician saw us at his 1 month appointment, asked what was going on, then offered advice for cosleeping as safely as possible. I never thought I’d do that, but it helped a lot. Similarly, we sleep trained at 4 months. I always thought letting a baby cry themselves to sleep was cruel, but, after the second night of sleep training when he had his first 6+ hours of straight sleep EVER, he was a much happier baby and I was a much happier parent.

              I felt a lot of guilt around these things, which ultimately involved some discomfort and/or risk for him in order to improve my quality of life. It took me a long time to internalize that I’m a better parent if I’m taking care of myself, and therefore it’s important to put my needs above his wants.

              1. Observer*

                Well, the truth is that it actually improved your child’s quality of life AT least as much as yous, if not more. A parent who is falling apart from sleep exhaustion is not the best parent. And a baby who won’t sleep for a reasonable amount of time is not a happy baby. Babies NEED sleep.

                He was a happier baby -that should tell you something. Happier baby means healthier, as well.

              2. Analyst Editor*

                This is SOOO true. They have to give you the Current Truth at hospitals, but the science is always evolving and the Current Truth is designed for the lowest common denominator. They can’t give you nuance regarding any of the recommendations (back sleeping, co-sleeping, etc.), But the nuance is there. For example, if you have a healthy, full-weight and full-term baby, in a non-smoking non-drinking household, your risks with something like co-sleeping go down.
                So follow the recommendations but also remember that they’re not the end all be all and you can and sometimes will have to deviate from them.

              3. Potatoes gonna potate*

                Oh wow, I haven’t even thought about the CIO method. I don’t know enough about it to form a hard opinion on it, but I’m like you, I’m not sure how I could bear to hear the baby cry. You guys are right, that happy parent = happy baby, but man it must be so rough to hear the baby cry!

                1. Parenthetically*

                  There’s SOOOOOO much space between “do anything to keep the baby from crying, cosleep and breastfeed 24/7 with no breaks for you” and “put the baby in their crib and come back 12 hours later.” (Here’s my pitch for Taking Cara Babies for building good habits from those early weeks — major major sanity saver.)

        2. Last Dispatch*

          Perhaps you should connect with the person who posted last week? I believe they were also pregnant, in NYC and diabetic so it seems they might be a good option for the support network you’re looking for.

      2. TG*

        You did post last week and received good feedback. You give enough of your life details that it’s obvious when you post. Please seek help. You are going to a doctor but aren’t seeking help for your depression specifically. And yes, you do have a lot going on in your life, but you have also shared your history of depression here.

    10. RagingADHD*

      We only had one week of helpful relatives for each baby. To be honest, they were more useful for baby 2, because they were looking after kid 1.

      It was tough but we got through it fine. But if I could have afforded it, I’d have hired a postpartum doula for a few weeks. Maybe that’s an option for you?

      Yes, it is 100% possible and extremely important to reduce your risk of PPD. Getting a support system in place for your mental health needs now, and getting/maintaining treatment for any issues now, will both reduce your chances of PPD and reduce the intensity if you get it.

      Having a birth plan is really helpful. Obviously there’s a lot you can’t control, and nothing goes exactly according to plan. But the drs & nurses ask A LOT of questions during labor, because there are a lot of normal things that can be done different ways.

      You are not going to be in a state to think & make decisions. Save yourself the hassle, make some decisions about your treatment options, and write them down. Then you can relax & not think about it on the day.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Also for breastfeeding, use all the lactation support you can get at the hospital, and see if there is LaLeche or other support groups available at the time. My biggest regret is that I didn’t know what I didn’t know, so I thought everything was fine and waved off the lactation consultant.

        I had trouble starting, and had to do a whole regimen of medication + pumping to get my milk supply established. But then it was fine & we bfed for 15 months. Not everyone is up for that, but if you want to breastfeed there’s a lot of help available.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank you for sharing this.
        What are some of the general questions they ask during labor?
        I haven’t thought of this ad will do more research on it, but is pregnancy any indication of how successful breastfeeding will be? I don’t intend to do it for very long, a few months at the most.

        1. Anon for this*

          Good prenatal health is key: eating regularly and nutritiously , daily movement, managing mental health issues, managing any chronic health conditions.

          Have you read any books on L&D and new baby care? There are many excellent ones. Books will be significantly more helpful than internet peoples’ experiences.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I like to read and hear about peoples’ experiences, internet and real life. I’m not taking medical advice here — didn’t realize posting on an anonymous forum was an issue. Perhaps the various support groups on the internet and social media should be shut down.

            1. Anom-a-lom-a-ding-dong*

              I think what “anon for this” was trying to say is that this random group of people might not be the best one for advice on this kind of topic, given that people have some really scary pregnancy/birth anecdotes that can freak you out more than a well-researched book or website would. Not sure why you thought they were taking issue with you- sounded like they were just trying to help. I would have given the same sort of answer!

              I’ve got related experience- I suffered from pelvic floor issues for years, and even the special support groups for people with my specific condition could really go off the rails with crazy edge cases. I am not super prone to anxiety, but some of those stories were a lot for me to handle at the time.

            2. True*

              But you are getting support here. You’re getting great suggestions and feedback. Why the snark?

              1. Potatoes gonna potate*

                Exactly, I found the comments very supportive and helpful. But I felt “books are more helpful than internet strangers” was snarky so I responded to that.

                1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

                  As a third party here, I really don’t think it was snarky. When you ask a bunch of internet strangers a question, you’re bound to get some answers you don’t like. I get that you are stressed out, but that’s no reason to be so defensive at what seems to be a perfectly normal suggestion.

                  You wanted someone’s experiences- she told you that in her experience, books were more helpful than internet strangers. Being snarky when people are trying to help you (especially when you are soliciting the help) is just going to make them less willing to help you next time.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Mama Natural’s week-by-week guide to pregnancy and childbirth is super helpful.

        3. Carlottamousse*

          My understanding is that it may take several days for milk to come in. My friends’ and family members’ experiences have varied wildly regarding breastfeeding (milk that comes fast (so short feedings yay), too much (so pumping was necessary in addition to feeding), too slow (takes forever to feed the baby), not at all, not enough, etc.), and I don’t think there was much correlation with how their pregnancies went at all. Our PCP is also going to be our pediatrician, and she said they have a lactation consultant on staff as well, so if you have questions beyond the hospital, perhaps the pediatrician you choose will be able to help you figure out breastfeeding.

    11. Apt Nickname*

      You sound like me- a planner who just wanted to come out of it with a healthy baby and mother! I found it helpful to have researched the options and know what I’d prefer, but also acknowledge that things often don’t go as planned. As for breastfeeding, fed is best. I personally found breastfeeding to be easy and convenient but I truly detested pumping. I had postnatal pre-eclampsia with my first child and had to be hospitalized for two days when he was 5 days old. He was fed formula from a bottle during those two days but went right back to nursing like a champ. But if he’d had to have a bottle permanently? It would have been just fine.

      BTW, my midwives and nurses loved me because I told them my end goal (healthy baby and mother), how I’d like to get there (vaginal birth, possibly epidural) but also acknowledged that things happen. My only regret is that I could have expressed my dislike for various things more gracefully. For instance, I could have found a different way to say that I didn’t like the grippy socks than whining “Get them off! Get them off!”

      1. RagingADHD*

        Women in labor aren’t whining, for gods sakes. Don’t do that to yourself.

        If you were forming words other than cussing, you were showing an extraordinary (and completely unnecessary) level of self-possession.

    12. Observer*

      The most important things, if you don’t have a strong support network (and often even if you do)

      1. Expect the unexpected.

      2. Pay for as much help as you can afford (prepared food, help in the house, laundry, whatever)

      3. Do NOT compare yourself / baby to anyone else. 100X over to anything you see on social media. At best that’s a carefully curated view of what’s going on.

      4. Keep your standards low. If you manage to go above, good for you. But don’t stress over stuff.

      If you can, if might be a good idea to prepare food and freeze it so you have stuff you can just pull out of the freezer rather than needing to cook.

    13. Perpetua*

      It is realistic and wise to have a flexible plan for the postpartum period. Just try to remember that there are no guarantees, feelings of guilt of new mothers are usually irrational and or greatly blown out of proportion, and feelings in general can be all over the place in this period. I’m saying this so that, in the (quite likely) scenario that you do feel guilty or stressed for whatever reason, you don’t fall further into the hole by thinking that you could have prevented that by preparing more perfectly. :)

      I gave birth 3 months ago. I read a lot about the importance of the “fourth trimester” or at least the 40 days of postpartum, so my partner and I agreed that we would do our best to protect this time and make it a time of rest for me and the baby. I had a birth plan – a natural birth at the hospital, but ended up with a (possibly unnecessary) emergency C-section, so my plan flew out the window and I felt quite bitter at the beginning. What helped were friends who told me they had various conflicting feelings after giving birth, including not feeling the bond or overwhelming love at the beginining.

      We had our parents help by cooking for us for the first month, that was quite useful. Simple meals that would last us 2-3 days, and they took turns bringing them to us. Maybe you can prepare some freezer meals, or at least figure out what is very easy to put together once you’re back home with the baby.

      My C-section recovery was great and I was lucky not to have any difficulties breastfeeding. My partner took over the nighttime diaper changes, and that was a relief, not to have to get out of the bed, even if I did have to wake up to feed the baby. Overall, his support and level of caring for both me and the baby has been a huge factor in me feeling like this fourth trimester has gone by basically the best it could have. That, and the fact that we got a pretty easy baby so far, but that’s pure luck and not something that can be prepared for in advance, unfortunately.

      Talking to other moms in the same baby-having timeframe has also been quite important, so maybe think if there’s someone you can connect with, be it from your friends, Reddit groups, other boards or online groups… Not all of them will fit, but some may, and being in the fresh motherhood boat together really connects people.

      Good luck, you got this! :)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank you for this detailed post, it’s really helpful. I have heard of the 4th “trimester” but forgot about it…you’re right, it’s another few months of physically adjusting.

        I’m glad you had an easy baby! I know babies can be unpredictable and lots of things are out of our control. I joined a few groups on social media that are a little more specific to my situation/health issues, so I can talk about certain things with them (obvs not replacing medial advice) but it’s so nice to just have people to talk to and hear peoples experiences. I like discussions and hearing peoples experiences.

        1. Bumpjumper*

          I’ve given birth four times. Each time was different (3 vaginal, 1 labor to a 10 and then the little demon flipped breech and I had to have a c-section), but here’s the biggest thing: YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE. I say this because you sound a lot like how I felt: if I just plan enough and worry enough, I will cover all possibilities and then everything will be ok. I completely understand the impulse to do this, but YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE. The baby will come how they come, (and all births are natural, unless they pull the baby out of your nose you have given birth naturally) and it will be ok. C-section recovery is hard. The upside is that you can go pee with no stinging right away! (C SECTION ADVICE: 1. Don’t look up at the ceiling during the surgery, those lights are reflective. 2. About 3 weeks after your surgery you will wake up and feel like superwoman. You will feel like you can do EVERYTHING. IGNORE THIS INSTINCT. If you don’t, you will wish you had never been born—you will truly regret it. TAKE IT SLOW!! 3. Holding a pillow against your incision when you get the hot burnies really helps. 4. Just when you think those hot burnies will never go away and you will live with them forever, they will stop.

          Breastfeeding: 1. It is a learned skill. If you are not getting it, it’s not because you lack maternal instinct or whatever silly image we’ve all absorbed from watching TV where the newborn pops onto the boob immediately. There is a right way to hold the baby, and neither of you will know what on earth you’re doing at first, and you’ll be tired. Keep trying, and USE THOSE LACTATION CONSULTANTS!
          2. If there is any chance your babe is jaundiced, get them tested ASAP. Jaundice makes those babies so so sleepy, and a sleepy baby is too tired to eat. No eat: no pee no poop, and that’s the only way to get the bilirubin levels back to normal. We eventually had to cup feed my oldest baby just to get her eating. (Cup feeding is amazing, google it!!)
          3. Breastfeeding is amazing and such an awesome way to bond with your babe, AND it is sometimes really really hard work to establish. If you are crying all the time and feeling overwhelmed and not getting any sleep, this message is for you: YOUR BABY WILL BE OK WITH FORMULA. I nursed all my babies, AND I gave some of them formula for various reasons. It will be ok.

          This has been a total novel, but I can identify so much with everything you’ve read. Get your team in place now, so you can be your best, most awesome mama self. You can do this!!

  52. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Black market sanitizer.
    Sigh.
    My town appeared covered in signs offering “high quality sanitizing alcohol” and “Purell in bulk”. I tried to keep my parents out of it, but they called and bought two basic kits for about 300$ I know some breweries are donating alcohol to hospitals, but I’m super suspicious of this “kits” origin. Even worse, I had to help my dad when he was preparing a 70%/30% sanitizer solution, some droplets touched my hand and it burnt badly. I’m going to check in the Chem Eng students forum, but I’m worried he was scammed and the two bottles in the toilet are something worse.

    1. Saint Maybe*

      I’m in a healthcare-adjacent field and we make our own hand sanitizer with two parts pure aloe vera gel to one part rubbing alcohol (70% or higher). If we’re feeling fun we add some essential oils for scent and for moisturizer. It’s quite inexpensive. Also remember that hand washing with soap for 20 seconds is better to prevent transmission so if people are sheltering in place with running water, sanitizer shouldn’t be the primary option.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        I’m sorry to tell you this, but at that rate, your hand sanitizer only has 23% alcohol, which is far below the required 60% to effectively kill the virus.

        To get it to 60%, you’d need to add one part 70% rubbing alcohol to 0.42 parts aloe vera gel.

        There were a lot of articles on the web when this broke that showed how to do this. And afterward, there were far fewer articles explaining why this is not a good idea.

        2. Clisby*

          Seems like you’d be better off just using the 70% rubbing alcohol. (And then maybe some good hand cream to combat the drying effect.)

          1. Diahann Carroll*

            This is what I do – the aloe is unnecessary and will water down the alcohol causing it to lose effectiveness.

          2. RM*

            no, the pure rubbing alcohol evaporates too quickly to kill all of the germs. the aloe (or other vehicle) is there for a reason. The right proportion of aloe makes the alcohol maximally effective by slowing the evaporation so it has a chance to kill everything on your hands.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      It sounds like a scam. I know a couple of chemists and they are warning that manufacturing sanitizer at home is actually difficult, and diluting the alcohol with essential oils and stuff makes it ineffective. Your parents are better off 1) using traditional soap and water and 2) using rubbing alcohol directly if they don’t have access to soap.

    4. LizB*

      Yeah, that sounds like a scam. Several breweries/distilleries near me are making sanitizer, and they started by donating to hospitals and have now expanded to selling to the public — but they’re selling it already made, in branded bottles, and WAY cheaper than $300! That sounds like serious price gouging to me. In my area (US) our state government is taking reports of price gouging and going after sellers who engage in it, are any local authorities doing the same in your area?

      1. pancakes*

        I didn’t see your comment when I was typing mine, and just said basically the same.

    5. pancakes*

      $300 is a LOT of money for hand sanitizer ingredients! What’s in the kit? How much does it make? In my city we can use our 311 app to report price gouging and this is making my typing fingers itch.

      1. blackcat*

        Yeah, I mean, I just got A LITER of hand sanitizer from a local distillery for $15.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I’ve never had alcohol burn my (unbroken) skin, even up to 90-something percent. I sure hope you can persuade them not to use that stuff, before they get hurt.

  53. Whelan*

    Has anyone had luck with finding volunteer opportunities to help during the Covid crisis? How do you find something that is actually beneficial to the community and not just people exploiting those who want to help?

    1. Ranon*

      Our food banks are desperate for volunteers and I’ve heard good things about how the ones near me are handling distancing. Blood banks are also hurting for donations.

    2. Alex*

      Yes, there are tons of volunteer opportunities around my way. I volunteered at my local food bank–they were desperate for volunteers. There are also blood drives. There are volunteer opportunities to call senior citizens and just check in on them. There are food delivery opportunities.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Thirding the suggestion to check with your local food bank. Most of them desperately need volunteers because a lot of their regular are seniors who need to be staying home right now. They’re also under a lot of extra pressure to since so many people are furloughed or unemployed and many children are not getting school breakfasts and lunches.

      Our school system actually is providing take away meals for students, and they need volunteers to help distribute as well. Maybe there’s a similar program near you? You could also check with your local library system. Ours is accepting volunteers to host virtual story times and educational stuff (basic sign language, super simple cooking skills, easy crafts, etc) for kids who are stuck at home.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Great questions! Working with organizations that existed before the pandemic is one strategy.
      I can’t physically volunteer, so I sew masks and have them picked up without violating quarantine.
      I hope you can make a difference!

    6. lobsterbot*

      our community is organizing people to call elders in the community for checkups.

  54. CoffeeforLife*

    I just made a Dutch Baby with strawberries, whipped cream and shaved chocolate. Says serves 4-6. Wrong. Only 1 :)
    That is all

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I did the NYTimes recipe and it was good! I dont know how I’d time if for more than 2 pancakes. Definitely not for a crowd.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I just use a bigger pan and more batter rather than multiple batches. Way easier.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I just googled the recipe and got the NYT one. I was already planning on making strawberry pancakes tomorrow so definitely this!

      Did you add strawberries in teh batter or as a topping?

      I”m not sure if I have the proper tools, I have nonstick cheap fry pan from walmart, no cast iron skillet.

      2. CoffeeforLife*

        Sliced on top after cooking! Also a squeeze of lemon. I don’t know if they’d swim around in the batter or sink and burn :/ enjoy breakfast!!

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I woke up STARVING so I had to do something quick. Ended up making regular ol strawberry nutella pancakes. Bookmarked this recipe for next time.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t wait until I have a kitchen again; I want to make a Dutch Baby SO BAD.

  55. lazy intellectual*

    Anyone else extra irritable nowadays?

    I already have an irritable personality, which I inherited from my dear ole Grandma, but it’s been exacerbated since lockdown because there are less things to distract me from thinking about small annoying things. I wish my brain could just be normal.

    1. Llama Face!*

      Yup. I’ve been irritable and also having moments of random crying. I know it’s a stress response so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it and just let it happen but it is extremely frustrating (especially since I am usually quite even-keeled).

    2. Stephanie*

      Yep. Definitely more irritable than normal (and I, too, have an already irritable personality). I seem to have a few days where I’m doing okay, just regular levels of crabbiness, and then I’ll have a bad day where the tiniest little things will set me off. Luckily, my family is used to my moodiness, and generally just shrug it off.
      I wish my brain could be normal, too, but nothing is really normal right now. We’re all experiencing trauma, and we all process and express that in different ways. Some of us express it by being especially irritable. Try to be kind to yourself.

    3. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Yeah, me too. I can’t sweat the small stuff anymore – especially people on the streef ignoring guidelines. I have been working on letting go of the irritation in the moment, but I am just on edge and it didn’t going as well as before all this.

    4. Oxford Comma*

      I am easily wound up in the best of circumstances. These are not the best of circumstances.

    5. allathian*

      I am, especially on workdays. Normally I really like my job, employer, and coworkers, but now I’m just not feeling it.
      Usually when I feel really cranky I take a 20-minute walk. It seems to help, especially when the sun is out. I’m just happy that I live in an area where they haven’t limited outdoor exercise.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yep. Right down to staying off my usual social media because I don’t want to post something I regret.

  56. KoiFeeder*

    I have to take the at-home sleep test again because according to the first test I should literally be dead. Like, “blood oxygen below 70% at its lowest” (yes, it was the meme number at the lowest point, yes, I refuse to just say that so “below 70%” it shall be) dead.

    Can. Can I just get the CPAP? Do they really have to do this again? (yes, they do, that’s such a severe and unusual result that it can’t be right, and obviously they can’t calibrate a CPAP to the wrong result because then it won’t work, but I am still complaining)

    1. Wishing You Well*

      I am sorry you’re getting such resistance over a CPAP!
      Fingers crossed for you.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Well, at least there’s a good reason for it this time! 75% and under blood oxygen is where you’re unconscious and worrying about brain damage, so I don’t know what I did to screw up the home test, but I really forked it up if I’m below 70%.

        So it’s not my insurance whining about how I should just die already and stop costing them so much money.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      You might be at 70%!
      I saw an article that some people are coming in with kind of late stage covid and oxygen levels as low as 50%. Young ppl are apparently adjusting to the low levels and are walkimg around, etc. Its why some young ppl collapsed and died quickly, they did not feel how sick they were.

      I hope they figure it out quickly!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I hope not! My symptoms haven’t meaningfully gotten worse except that sometimes I just stop breathing during sleep paralysis now. So if I really am under 70%, that would more-or-less imply that I’ve been dipping down to below 70% my entire life (bad).

    3. RagingADHD*

      Mine got around 70 during m ugh apnea test.

      Explained why I felt like a zombie and was waking up with solittong headaches. I do fear I may have some brain damage from it.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Ha, that comment does look suspect for brain damage. Just fat fingers that time.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Ooh, yeah, zombie and splitting headaches are a problem I have when waking up. I actually can’t speak for like, half an hour while my brain’s waking up.

        Fork.

    4. Anono-me*

      It might be worth checking your oxygen levels during the day? Do you have access to a pulse ox meter?

      (In the good old days / pre C-19 a pulse ox meter was about 20 bucks, now I think they’re about 30.)

    5. OtterB*

      When I had my sleep test at the facility last summer, I don’t remember what they said the blood oxygen level got down to, but I’m sure it dipped below 80% at some point. I was tending to fall asleep while sitting still but not having major issues otherwise. Sorry you have to repeat the test.

      CPAP has worked great for me, hope it will for you also.

  58. Podcast app*

    What podcast app do you like? Ideally it would work with an android phone and an iPad.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      I have an Android, and I just download them to my SD card so I don’t burn up my data. I only pay $14 for 1 GB, so I try to keep data usage to a minimum.

    2. Fikly*

      I use both Castbox and Stitcher. I like Stitcher better, but not everything I listen to is on it.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m a huge fan of Pocket Casts, and it’s available for both Android and iOS.

      1. Observer*

        It’s a nice app, and allows you to download your podcasts while on wifi to avoid using data.

    5. pancakes*

      It’s not specifically a podcast app, but I like Tune In. I like being able to listen to podcasts in the same app I was already using for streaming radio. I’m not a huge podcast person though, I only have a half dozen or so I even try to keep up with, so I haven’t done much comparison.

  59. Trixie*

    I received my tax return this week, not even two weeks after I filed. Feels like a record! I’m putting most of it towards future monthly bills, but some part for “fun money.” For me, that might include a sectional couch (finally) and pieces for the porch. Maybe a weekly meal take out from local restaurant? I have other items on a “wish list” like prescription sunglasses and a haircut but those will wait until the local shelter in place eases up.

    What are your “wishlist” items?

    1. Fikly*

      I have been debating a stationary bike. I had been using the ones in my building’s gym, but that’s been closed since March, and who knows how long it will be.

      When I am physically capable of it, I will bike for 45-60 minutes every day, so I know I will use it, but I’m having a hard time justifying the expense in my head when I keep thinking, but it might only be a few months, and then you can use the ones in your building again.

      1. nep*

        If you’ve got the means, I say go for it. I just have a sense that the good you’ll get out of having that with you to use regularly will be worth it. No telling how long before you’ll be able to use the one in your building–and even when that one’s available, I reckon you’ll get a lot out of having your own.
        My 2 cents.

      2. Sam I Am*

        Some of the bikes are quite loud for your downstairs neighbor, my aunt had good luck mitigating the sound with one of those thick rubber pads. Just something to think about while shopping for the right machine for you.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We have two and they get heavy use. One has a laptop desk and gets set up for homework. Not really wide enough for use with a mouse unfortunately.
        The other is semi-recumbent, which I like for TV watching.

    2. Lockstep*

      I’m hoping to find TP as I’m running quite low and I can’t find it anywhere. I’d like a bedet, but any stimulus funds will go into savings to help with long term lockdowns that are sure to come. If it was truly mad money, I’d splurge on new recliner.

      1. Fikly*

        Check out total restroom. I’ve been getting large commercial sized rolls there, so they don’t fit on my holder, but they have some brands that don’t feel like sandpaper.

    3. Animal worker*

      I’m thinking of getting one of those Fast Cat exercise wheels. My cat has so much energy at times she’ll bolt up and down the stairs like lightning. Not sure if she’d use it, but I can definitely work on training her for it if needed, just trying to decide when/if to fork over the $249 for it.

      Lots of cat folks here, does anyone have one? Good/bad experiences to share?

    4. Sunset Maple*

      My school tax bill always comes within the same month as our tax return…figures, right? I want to set some aside, but it just gets swallowed whole immediately.

      What I really want is new blinds for the whole front of the house. Ours dry-rotted and broke due to the baking sun, and I hate that I can’t easily hide from the persistent sales people and JWs with these gaping open windows.

    5. Alpha Bravo*

      I would REALLY like to buy enough corral panels to turn half my front yard into a spare paddock/training pen. I hate mowing the grass and I know my boy would like to eat it. But that’s a LOT of money….

  60. Reluctantly Hermione*

    Studying, still. Mid-May, an electronic exam is supposed to be available. Is mid May the 15th? 17th? Checking the website so I can schedule my exam and get it over with.

    Also, last night, I had a small tablespoon of vegan cake I made (tasted earlier/was fine). Topped with frozen banana (1 tsp) that was slightly overripe. Had sudden sharp stomach pain turning into really agonizing gas. Only thing that helped was laying on the hard floor on my stomach plus ginger chews.

    Today, no more stomach pain but hungry and taking things slow. Was it the banana? Ugh

    1. WellRed*

      It may have been. I had a coworker who ate a banana every day for years. One day, she started getting severe stomach pain whenever she ate one. No more bananas.

  61. Spessartine*

    Does anyone here have advice for moving across the country with a boatload of pets?

    My sister and I have five, yes *five* cats and a dog. We lived together in Ohio until three weeks ago, when I moved out to Colorado for my new job. We need a solid plan to move my sister, our pets, and our whole house full of stuff out west to join me without going insane. We plan to buy a house here as soon as we can (which is a whole other annoying wrench in the works since we still own a house in Ohio), but I’m not sure when that will be, considering all that’s going on. So we have some time to hammer things out, but trying to get a handle on the logistics is making my brain hurt. Right now this is our tentative plan:

    She drives to Colorado with the essentials she can pack in her car and we “move in” to the new house. Then we both fly back to Ohio, pack up our house, rent a van, load up the pets and make the drive out to Colorado in two days, hopefully minimizing the trauma to all involved. As far as what we’re going to pack up the house *in to*, I have two thoughts on this.

    One, we leave almost all the furniture in the house and buy new stuff in Colorado. We plan to rent out our Ohio house, so we could advertise it as fully furnished. In this case, we don’t have a ton of space-hogging stuff to pack, and we could fit it in a U-Haul trailer, which we’d then pull with the rented van. Difficulty: Most rental companies don’t allow you to tow with their vehicles. Additionally, even if we could get one that allowed towing, I’m not sure the towing capacity would be high enough for the trailer size we’d need. We could rent a U-Haul truck to tow the trailer, giving us more space for packing, but then the pets won’t fit.

    Two, we stuff everything into a U-Pack trailer (PODS doesn’t go to our new city, and the quote for ReloCubes was outrageous). In this case we don’t have to worry about actually getting our stuff anywhere except into the trailer; they’ll take care of the transportation. Less stressful, but two downsides. It’s a 28′ trailer, and many of the neighborhoods in our new city are tight or have winding roads. I’d be concerned about the ability of the trailer to actually get up to the new house. Also, it’s cheaper than the ReloCubes, but the quote was still well over 4k. (U-Box was much more affordable, but mixed reviews make me wary.)

    We would very, very much like to avoid flying with any of the pets. The dog would absolutely lose her mind (driving across country is going to be distressing enough). Three of the cats would be okay, I *think*, but the others would likely be traumatized, not to mention the cost since pets have additional fees and you can only have one per ticket.

    Neither my sister or I have ever done a move like this; the biggest for us was going a mile down the street from an apartment to our house, when we only had the dog. Any tips would be very welcome!

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Get a Pod. You can load it as you go, and if you can’t find a place big enough to keep all your stuff in for a while, you can use it as storage. And if you think that might be the case, you might want to get two or more smaller ones. Put essentials in one and the for less essential stuff.

      When I looked into them, one of the small ones was only $139 for 30 days, and that included them dropping it off, moving it across town, and then picking it up. Probably gonna be a bit more for you move, but it’s nice to be able to pack at your leisure.

      I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice for the pets. Most dogs love a car ride, and a lot of cats don’t. Catnip. Lots and lots of catnip.

      1. Spessartine*

        Catnip is a great idea! We usually use it as a rare treat but the cats do love it. The dog is, unfortunately, an anxious mess even under normal circumstances, but hopefully she’ll be able to get accustomed to a longer car ride.

        1. SunnySideUp*

          Maybe get a prescription for her from the vet, since it’s a temporary measure, just to get you thru the trip…?

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      For the cats – separate crates for each of them. Dog crates are good, because they’re bigger. You will want to take everyone to the vet for a checkup, get medical records, make sure up to date on shots, etc. While you’re there, ask if you can get a mild tranquilizer that you can give the cats to help keep them calm. You will want a range of dosages for each pet – starting dose, and maximum safe dose. When actually moving, give each cat the starting dose, then observe them and adjust as needed. Depending on the animal they may need more or less, and it’s not necessarily based on size. My 15lb cat and the 10lb cat ended up needing the same dose (10lb starting dose). Recommend taking a couple gallons of tap water with you for the drive and then to switch the cats over gradually. Be prepared to deal with constipation, some cats may not use the litterbox while on the move.

      Once they’re there, you’ll want to find a vet and get established, and make sure you inquire about what flea treatments are effective there. Fleas can become resistant to the active ingredients, so for example Frontline is pretty much useless where I am. You may need to switch.

      As for the stuff, honestly, declutter as much as possible/sell/leave. It’s expensive to move things long distance, so pare it down to the essentials.

      1. Spessartine*

        I had no idea fleas could become resistant to treatments and hadn’t considered that the water change could throw the cats off, thanks for the tips. And I will definitely look into tranquilizers–I was under the impression it could be dangerous for cats, but I was mostly reading about it in relation to flying. I think everyone involved would be much happier if they could be somewhat sedated for the trip.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          They can be dangerous, which is why its important to work with the vet. When I’ve moved long distance and drugged the cats, it been both helpful and unhelpful. Realistically, a good pair of ear plugs might be better! Be flexible. If you’re flying, don’t drug them – that is very dangerous.

        2. Wandering*

          My vet said not to drug my cats for a big move, so you want to consult with yours. My vet said that among other things the meds muck with the cat’s ability to regulate body temperature.

          The girls did fine, each in their own carrier. Water but no food in the morning (minimize car sickness, per vet), plenty of food at night. We had 20-30 minutes of objections as we drove off from any break. One cat hid under the bed in the hotel rooms & had to be coaxed out with cat nip.

          Good luck with the move & your CO adventures.

    3. Anono-me*

      I have a couple of ideas.

      One. Could you rent two smaller U-Hauls in Colorado and both drive trucks to Ohio load, everything up and drive the two trucks back to Colorado and unload everything at the new place? Each of you could have some of the animals in crates in the passenger seat of the rental truck. Often times the fee for one way Rentals is high enough that an extra day a rental is almost a wash. (Also some places on only rent their worst vehicles for one ways.)

      Two. could you put everything that you won’t need until you get a house into a storage unit in Ohio? Once you find and buy a house you can move the rest of the stuff to Colorado to the new house.

      Three. Have you contacted some of the smaller movers in both Ohio or in Colorado and ask them if they have any suggestions? I know my mover had Mini Storage crates that they would store and deliver later.

      1. Spessartine*

        Those are all great suggestions, thank you. I hadn’t thought about renting two U-Hauls but it makes quite a bit of sense…or we could even do a U-Haul + trailer with me, the dog, and one cat, and my sister could put the other four cats in her car. I’ll have to do some price and size comparisons to figure out what makes the most sense, and do some calling around to see what options other places have.

    4. Wicked Witch of the West*

      When my friends moved cross country two years ago, they didn’t have to worry about “stuff”, employer paid movers. So I have no advice there. But they had three large dogs, one small dog, and two cats. They rented a motor home. It went very smoothly.

      1. Spessartine*

        I hadn’t even considered renting a motorhome…even a camper van might do it, though. Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll check into it!

      2. hermit crab*

        Yes! My friends moved across the US with three cats and a big old dog, and they used a camping trailer. They sent their stuff via a regular moving van service and made a road trip out of it for themselves.

    5. Impska*

      Your cats will get over it. I made I long trip with a bad traveler and she managed to yowl and poop constantly for 2 days, even with a tranquilizer. She wasn’t eating, so who knows how there was so much poop, but there was.

      She settled in at the new house, no worse for wear.

      A few years later, I moved her to another country. We had to run through the airport to avoid missing a flight, she was manhandled by multiple people in customs, jostled, shoved. And she was fine. She also stopped being a bad traveler after that. Like the worst had happened to her so she didn’t care anymore.

      1. Spessartine*

        Thanks for sharing your cat-travel experience. It makes me feel much better about how mine might handle it; maybe I’m just being paranoid and over-protective!

      2. TL -*

        Yeah I flew my cat across the world and then drove her 4 days across the USA and she didn’t love it but she was fine.

        For the drive, I used her really, really big carrier – she can stand up and walk around easily in it – from her flight and wedged a small litter box in it. She slept in it most of the drive (sigh; she had a blanket to sleep on!) but did use it a couple times when we were actually driving – I would stop and clean it immediately when she did. I had a small amount of food and water in hanging, securely attached containers on the cage door.

        She also did a lot better with her harness on. Her harness basically covers her entire chest and half her back/stomach so I think it was like a calming pressure. And I could put her leash on and let her jump out at rest stops and stretch her legs if she wanted. (Sometimes yes, sometimes no.)

    6. Aphrodite*

      You might look into pet moving / relocation services like Happy Tails Travel or Pet Relocation? I haven’t used them but there do seem to be some good, very careful ones.

    7. Osmoglossum*

      Bach Rescue Remedy for Pets is fantastic for anxious pets. I used it for my cats when we relocated from NY to CA – we flew. I started giving it to them about a week before the flight and continued to give it to them for a week after we moved into our new home. They adjusted much more quickly than I had anticipated. It’s also good for other stressful situations, like going to the vet or during thunderstorms, fireworks, etc.

      Good luck!

    8. Black Horse Dancing*

      We moved cross country with two dogs and 8 cats. We used a cargo van. Crates for each cat. We had motel rooms reseved (Super *s) and a decent plan. We walked the dogs at stops, and gave the cats water at stops but only with the van doors closed and windows and one at at time! (No escapes wanted!) We unloaded the cats and dogs in the motel rrom, set up boxes, and them let the cats free to wander the room with their litter boxes and water all set up. (We had two litter boxes). They got the nights to mvee and eat and relax and we did this for three and a half days, three . At the new house, cats were set up in an empty room with door closed, food and water and we brought in the stuff. (Furniture would arrive in a week.) Once everything was settled in, we walked the dogs and let the cats out to explore. Worked well.

  62. Jedi Squirrel*

    I just can’t deal with people right now.

    Went to Costco to buy some groceries for my parents. Nobody is social distancing, entire families are going in and letting their kids wander, it was so crowded, people are still hoarding (why? you’ve done nothing but buy groceries for two months now), it’s ridiculous.

    Meant to buy a mother’s day gift, but couldn’t get to them, so I went to my local grocery store. They have put big blue arrows on the aisles to make them one way and people just don’t get it. When I pointed out to one woman that she was going the wrong way, she said “Oh, I know” to which I replied “and you don’t care, do you?”

    Further down the same aisle, here comes a man and a woman NO MASKS ON going the wrong way. When I point out the arrow on the floor, he said “So?” I called him an a-hole and kept going. (AITA? I think not.)

    The infection and death rates in my state are actually going down (thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster!), but the infection and death rates in my county are still going up because people are ridiculous, selfish jacknobbins.

    I just can’t, even.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I went for my prenatal appointment this week and then the pharmacy afterwards and it was more crowded than usual. They’re going back to their regular hours after next week. I’m in NYC. Scary thing is, there are reports that the newly infected are the ones who have been staying home all during this crisis. This is all just so terrifying.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      I went to Costco today, the procedures for entering were well thought out and implemented.

      Only part of the store had arrows, at the back were spacing is tight. I saw a lady who seemed to be waiting to go the other way as a cart going the right way was “blocking” her. So I said, oh, its one way. Her partner said peevishly, whats her problem? So I said kindly, I thought she was stuck so I pointed out its one way. They were not happy with me.

      Its everyone for themself sometimes.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        My Costco had those same entering procedures for a couple of weeks and then just abandoned them. No arrows, nothing.

    4. Choggy*

      Yeah, assholes don’t change their spots, regardless if it means life or death. I only go to the store early in the morning or later in the evening to avoid most of them.

    5. Policy wonk*

      Saw this at my grocery store, too. Two women without masks shopping together, talking loudly and apparently making it a point to go down the aisles the wrong way. Sigh.

    6. Mx*

      I have the same problems nearly everytime I am shopping. People stay too close in the queue. What for ??? Do they believe it will go faster ?

      Many people don’t have masks neither but they are difficult to find to be honest (living in UK).

    7. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Shopping is so upsetting and stressful now. The only thing I can say is that shopping seems to be a bit easier if you can go earlier in the day when the stores first open and before the stores get busy. I’m old enough to qualify for senior citizen hour, but my experience has been that it is less busy just after senior citizen hour ends. I think you’re better off shopping then, but still in the morning.

    8. Lcsa99*

      My husband has been doing the shopping and has had the same problem. People are essentially daydreaming in the middle of the freaking aisle and when he tries to politely wait them out, other people push past.

      I also had a problem when trying to exit the dentists office. There was a woman blocking the exit and since it was a dentist office, I couldn’t wear my mask so I was trying to wait for her to move and she was just chatting away. Luckily it was the dentist’s sister so when he saw, he reminded her of social distancing and had no qualms about rudely telling her to move. My anxiety has been really high so I was grateful.

    9. selenejmr*

      Over the last ~3 weeks I’ve been to 2 Meijer stores, 1 Kroger and 1 Walmart. The Walmart was store where people were doing the best at following the arrows on the floor. The Meijer stores have only had their arrows for ~2 weeks, but most of the people don’t follow them. I’m so close to yelling at people who are going the wrong way. I’ve started blocking their path with my cart. :)

    10. Not really belong anywhere*

      I went to Costco (BC, Canada) last week and crowd wasn’t too bad though it was Saturday afternoon. I think it helped that they started allowing only two people under the same membership to enter the store in addition to limiting the number of people in the store.
      What bothered me was their employee. While I was waiting for my turn at the cashier, one lady came up to me asking if I had executive membership. I politely said no, I was not interested. She kept talking about how much I could be ‘saving’ from cashback (I don’t spend enough to make up the difference in fee from cashback). I said no again. When I was done paying and about to leave, she came up to me again, saying “See? you spent xx dollars! You could’ve gotten xx dollars in cashback!” She was standing too close to me at both times. That was… stressful.

    11. Lynn*

      In my area, it seems to be the instacart shoppers who ignore the one way arrows the most as they’re trying to shop as quickly as possible.

    12. Old and Don’t Care*

      I’m pretty skeptical of the efficacy of the arrows and some of the other things the grocery stores are trying. Publix apparently interprets “six feet apart” to include “close every other checkout lane”. So instead of having adjacent lanes open, with the candy and magazine racks forming some sort of barrier, people stand in longer lines for twice as long, and people still shopping have to maneuver their way through them. And I just can’t see how the arrows make any meaningful difference in exposure to the virus; walking down two aisles to get something you need from one aisle seems counterproductive. Being a rule follower I try to follow the rules but it can get overwhelming, breathing through a mask, trying to find what you need then trying to figure out an alternate plan when they’re out of half of what you’re looking for. So sometimes I screw up. I just try to shop quickly and get back out.

      1. OtterB*

        It depends on your store, but the thing about the one-way arrows is that the aisles in my usual grocery store are wide enough for two carts to pass, but absolutely not to distance from someone going the other way.

        I’m with you on trying to follow the rules but it getting overwhelming sometimes. When I shopped two weeks ago, the one-way arrows were new and hardly anyone was following them. Last week, people were mostly following them – and then I was one who didn’t. I realized I’d forgotten something and ducked back down the aisle to get it without realizing that was going the wrong way. Sigh.

  63. Sunflower*

    Feeling super stuck in my life right now- what kinds of self improvement projects are you working on?

    I’m unhappy in my job and personal life- i was looking for a new job and opening up my social circle and then bam- world closed(I’m in NYC to boot). I want to take some control of this and put some productive wheels in motion but everything feels like it’s stuck in a standstill. Its crazy that I’ve got the free time to work on this but the limitations of the world make it hard to put any plans into action. I love self help books but it feels like so much of the regular advice isn’t applicable right now.

    Would love to hear what’s working for everyone. I’m still going to ther py but it’s not helping with the feeling unstuck part.

    1. Washi*

      This is probably the opposite of helpful, but honestly, I’m making an effort to be really nice to myself. Normally I would get on my case for…so many things! Watching more TV than I think I should, not texting people back quickly, putting off a task on my to do list, feeling any negative emotions, the list goes on. I never realized quite how hard I was on myself until the pandemic and realized I was disappointed with myself like 50% of the time. I’ve spent the last month or so affirming my own decisions in my head, stuff like – great idea! you needed that! you’re doing fine.

      I’ve read advice like that before and rolled my eyes at it, but it turns out it’s been really, really helpful. And I think actually I’m closer to the person I want to be when I’m nice to myself than when I’m trying to berate myself into cooperation.

      2. Kiwi with laser beams*

        This is a good reminder for me too, thank you <3

        In terms of my self-improvement stuff, I've been doing exercise videos regularly, mainly for my physical health (I had a bad work-life balance for almost a decade and struggled to find time to exercise during that time) but the endorphins have been good for my mental health too.

    2. nep*

      Just putting this out there.
      Do you know Jon Kabat-Zinn? (Mindfulness based stress reduction.)
      He is doing live meditations/talks daily at 2pm EST (US); he’s on Zoom and live on YT. I have been blown away at his remarks and his responses to people’s questions.
      It’s just been an amazing opportunity to have this. And of course all the sessions are on YT; I often watch later when I can’t take the hour to be there live.
      It might speak to you, might not. I’ve just been so blown away, I like sharing that this is available.
      Wishing you peace and well-being.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Not really a solid suggestion, but it’s what I have got- what will you need when we reopen? Do you have it all in place or do you need to reorganize a few things? Going in a different direction what things around the house have been the most annoying during your work week that you would like to fix to make them easier to use/access?

    4. LGC*

      I’ve actually been working on preparing for the changes I want to make later, if that makes sense. So, like, I can’t look for a new job…but I can do some development of my skills, for example. I can’t (and don’t want to) train hard for races, but I can actually take a break from doing hard workouts and work on my endurance.

      So, that’s what I’ve been working on myself. I’m not sure if that applies to your situation – socializing is going to be more difficult now, and for a long time. The job market is…questionable. And I’m lucky in that my goals can be done individually.

    5. Bluebell*

      I think Washi’s remarks are great. I don’t have specific recommendations, but will suggest two podcasts, one is pandemic specific and one isn’t. The first is Staying in with Emily and Kumail. They have great conversations and good advice. Plus, Emily used to be a therapist. More generally, I’ve loved the podcast By the Book, where the two cohosts try living by different self help books for two weeks and report on the results. Last season they chose a self help book from each decade, so there was a history/sociology overlay.

    6. ReadingTheStoics*

      Um, username. I started with the book The Obstacle is the Way for something light; I’m now working through the book How to Think Like a Roman Emperor (which is about Marcus Aurelius and his Meditations). Also spending time with Brene’ Brown’s new podcast, Unlocking Us. And journaling.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Honestly I’m playing catchup with home basics — during my thankfully brief furlough time, I cleaned a lot, cooked a lot, sorted paperwork, and weeded for hours. I got the septic pumped, oil delivered, started doing roof research. And when I hit a wall? I let myself read or take a nap and don’t let myself feel guilty at all.

    8. Dancing Otter*

      Self improvement, let’s see.
      1. I am making more of an effort to do the exercises for my sore shoulders. I had rotator cuff problems on the left a few years ago, for which I went to physical therapy. I also switched my cane to my right hand, even though that knee is actually better than the other. Then, of course, my right shoulder got sore. So now I do the exercises the therapist taught me on *both* sides. About half as often as I ought, but I’m trying to be better about that. It’s not as though I have to be anywhere in a hurry every morning.
      2. I am trying not to bring sweets and junk food into my home. Not going out means if it isn’t here I can’t eat it, right? Unfortunately, my adult daughter is doing much of the shopping, and way too much baking. Still, I’m trying to come out of this maybe a few pounds lighter instead of gaining weight.
      3. I tried giving up caffeine. Should have been easy with no convenient pop machine, no stops at the drive-through. That did not go well, but I have cut back significantly.
      4. The screen time limits feature is my new friend. Without it, I was staying up later and later, sometimes as late as 3 a.m., but still being awoken around 7 or 8 by daylight and noise. (I’ve always been a night owl, but that’s unsustainable.) With my electronics set to turn off at midnight, even asking for an extra 15 minutes gets me to sleep at a more reasonable time.

  64. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Anyone here watching The King: Eternal Monarch?? I’m torn, I love the characters so much I’ll be devastated if the writer(s) kill anyone but the baddies. :'(

    1. Llama Face!*

      I started it (first 2 episodes) but haven’t been able to concentrate on shows lately. But it seems like it will be good once I have the head space to follow a plot! :)

    2. LNLN*

      I love that show! Keep watching…there are some fascinating twists and turns. And I love how the relationships develop. I really enjoy watching Korean dramas on Netflix. Other good K dramas I watched recently were Crash Landing on You and Memories of the Alhambra.

  65. Non cinnamon sweet roll recipe?*

    Hi. Does anyone have a non cinnamon but a sweet roll recipe they like? Preferably small batch since there’s only 2 of us. Have plenty of yeast so a recipe with yeast is good. Bonus points for a recipe without a cream cheese frosting. I can always leave it off but if the recipe includes it, kind of implies the frosting is important. Thanks!

    1. Llama Face!*

      How do you feel about citrus? My family makes a delightful treat we call Orange Rolls. Use a standard cinnamon bun dough but fill with this mixture:
      1 cup + 2 tbsp butter
      1 1/2 cups white sugar
      Zest from 3 grated oranges

      Then after baking, top the rolls with a glaze made with icing sugar thinned with orange juice.

    4. BRR*

      Flour bakery’s sticky buns are very well known and you can freeze extras before the final rise. I haven’t made them but my plan would be to bake two at a time in a loaf pan and just make a small recipe of “goo.”

      BA’s best morning buns are primarily filled with brown sugar. You could leave out the tablespoon of cinnamon (I’d add in a some orange zest for my personal taste) and freeze after slicing.

    6. LizB*

      If you google for “smitten kitchen cranberry orange breakfast buns,” you’ll find a great recipe that can be halved for a smaller batch! It has a basic glaze instead of cream cheese frosting, and honestly I’ve had them both with the glaze and without and both ways are delish.

      1. Alaska_Blue*

        Second recommendation for smitten kitchen’s cranberry orange! I usually use lemon instead of orange. Halve the glaze, even if doing full batch of rolls. More than sweet enough. Also halve the sugar that goes in the cranberry filling, it’s also sweet enough. There are just two of us and I generally make the full recipe and either freeze half or we just eat them out of the fridge throughout the week- they warm up delightfully in the microwave. :)

      2. D'Euly*

        Thirded! I use this dough for whatever filling I feel like; it’s a lovely one. Chocolate & orange, almond paste, nuts & spice, all are good.

    7. Pharmgirl*

      Butterkaka! I made this a few weeks back and will be making more this weekend. It’s a Swedish cinnamon roll, but instead of butter/cinnamon/sugar, the filling also has ground nuts. The dough has a bit of cardamom, and instead of icing the buns are topped with a spoonful of creamer patisserie. Link in reply.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        These look delicious! Now I can’t decide if I want to make these or the butterkaka…

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Cardamom is a lovely flavor! My husband uses green cardamom & vanilla in a peach topping for ice cream–I bet it would make a wonderful sweet bread filling.
        I’d also suggest blueberry cheese danishes. Curious fact: what Americans call danishes, the Danes call Vienna bread (wienerbrød).

  66. Jaid*

    My brother and I will be turning 50 this month. I ordered a nice charcuterie and snack pack for him and his wife from DiBruno Bros. and hopefully he’ll get it before our birthday.

    Me, food wise, I just want some chocolate strawberry shortcake.

    Ah, well. It could be worse!

    3. Jaid*

      Thanks guys! Normally my family go out in June anyway to celebrate ALL our birthdays at once, but I like to eat out with a couple of friends on that day. Since that’s not happening, I’ll just get some take out sushi and find some cake and celebrate with my cat.

      I’m debating getting one of those t-shirts out now that say I turned “50 in quarantine” and wear it when I get back to work… LOL!

      To anyone else having a birthday, I wish you well. I hope you can find something happy about the day, even if it’s only to anticipate when the crisis is over!

  67. I'm A Little Teapot*

    This week sucked. On Tuesday, I took my kitty Jill into the vet because something was up, very nonspecific of course but something. She was diagnosed with a very large tumor in her abdomen, and we shifted to hospice care. I took her home expecting that she had a few weeks, maybe a month, and she then declined pretty quickly. I took her back in on Friday as she’d stopped eating.

    Of course, the reason I’d adopted Jill was that my other kitty Arwen does not like being the only cat (plus, I wanted another cat). Arwen is now mad. It’ll take some time for her to figure out Jill is gone and not coming back, then she’ll end up demanding a new buddy. With Covid the shelter is closed still, so hopefully they’ll be back open by the time we get to that point.

    2. Smol Book Wizard*

      Sympathies for your loss. Hope that you and Arwen can be a comfort to each other in the while to come.
      (also, I think some shelters are still doing “curbside” adoptions, so you might still be able to manage a second friend? Although it’s a different experience than getting to do the search.)

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I will wait for Arwen to be ready. She’s not very welcoming to other animals in her house, so if she actively wants a buddy that makes introductions 1000% easier. Instead of hissing and screaming on scent, she’s curious.

    3. WS*

      I’m so sorry – I lost one of my two this week, as well, but it was the other way around – the surviving cat was adopted as a companion for the one I lost. He’s doing okay so far, I hope Arwen is too.

    4. Four-legged Fosterer*

      I think the shelter will likely be open again soon. Ours are still doing intake, and those animals need to go somewhere… (based on numbers in the Lost and Found lists I suspect the local shelter is euthanising cats, but the foster-based rescues have almost no dogs that are being surrendered so I think those are luckier here). I know some shelters in other cities have new official policies where they will do adoptions by appointment starting tomorrow, although they expect to be overwhelmed with applications so have made it clear that they will not be able to respond to most requests for information.

      I’m sorry about Jill. My thoughts are with you and Arwen.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Yeah, my area is opening up a bit starting tomorrow, so I’m pretty sure the shelter will be getting going again soon. And I have a relationship with the shelter – did a hospice foster kitty for them last year, and then adopted Jill in December.

        Arwen’s just hanging out with me today, it’s grey and wet and chilly. I’m getting squashed. :)

  68. Ask a Manager* Post author

    People who know medical things: I’m calling my doctor about this on Monday, but how alarmed should I be that my mangled finger which had seemed to be healing slowly but steadily (from blender accident almost 8 weeks ago) now seems to be covered in blisters? Things that have changed this week that could be causing this: I started occupational therapy, started exercising it, started touching things to work on desensitizing it, stopped wrapping it during the day (still wrapping it in guaze and Coban wrap at night), and have showered with it uncovered for the first time (all of this on the advice on the hand therapist). I’m wondering it maybe it wasn’t ready for all the touching of things and is reacting with protective blisters (and am also wondering if therefore I should stop all these new things).

    1. 653-CXK*

      I’m not a nurse, but if you have blisters with a fever and/or redness and/or streaks around the affected area, that may be cellulitis. Even if you don’t have those symptoms, you might want to have it checked out at an urgent care center in your area, just to be on the safe side.

      1. WellRed*

        Ooh, good call on the cellulitis. I definitely don’t think it’s reactionary blisters just because you’ve started touching things. It hasn’t been THAT long since the injury.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      Please call whatever on-call service your doc’s office has and discuss in detail.

    3. blackcat*

      If you doctor takes after-hours calls, I’d call ASAP, like… now.
      If you don’t, I’d go to urgent care ASAP.
      That sounds like an infection or reaction to stitches that did not get properly removed.
      If it isn’t, great! If it is, though, the 48 hours between now and Monday can be the difference between being fine with oral antibiotics and really bad news. Like… losing your finger level bad news.

    4. Dan*

      I don’t know what kind of answer you are looking for to “alarmed”? If you are wondering if waiting until Monday is too late, you could try TeleDoc or some other telemedicine service. What you described can’t be good.

      To 653-CXK’s comment about cellulitis… I’ve had it twice, and I’m making no statements on whether or not that’s what you have. I’ll just say that if that’s the case, mild versions can be treated with oral meds (that was my first go) and the second sent me to the ER. The second go they wanted to keep me overnight “for observation” but they relented after I pushed back hard enough. (If the ends justify the means, things turned out fine.) *Going* to the ER, however, was the right call.

      Either way, waiting until Monday to “call the doc” (unless you meant “see the doc”) would weird me out a little, if you have options for professional care/advice sooner. (I’ve got to imagine a telemedicine service would be really useful for you if you have access to it.)

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I was of course hoping for, “Nothing to be alarmed by, totally normal part of wound healing!”

        I don’t think it’s cellulitis, having just looked it up. But I’ll use my doctor’s 24/7 video chat thing and see what they think (different doctor than the one treating my hand though).

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Did the video chat, they are not alarmed, do not think it’s cellulitis, but prescribing an antibiotic to take only if anything gets worse. I appreciate the push to call!

          1. blackcat*

            Glad they are not alarmed, but keep a close eye on it! And, in your shoes, I’d be taking my temperature regularly until it resolves.

          2. Lucette Kensack*

            I haven’t followed this saga, but did you have any internal (dissolvable) sutures?

            7 weeks after my neck dissection, my surgical scar suddenly developed a couple of angry red lumps. It turned out that they were the result of some internal sutures that didn’t fully dissolve working their way to the surface (gross).

          4. Not So NewReader*

            I am not sure what else they told you to do, but maybe consider stop touching things with that finger. I am wondering if you just started pushing yourself too hard and the finger was not ready for that yet. I know at some point in the healing process we have to kind of push ourselves along. (Thanks, punctured knees, I really needed to learn this! NOT.) But this may be too early or too much pushing or both.

            I think I would look at reducing it to doing one or two new things at a time. This way it’s easier to tell how the new things are going along. I am a fan of strategically figuring out how I will push myself along. Pick an activity and have a reason for that choice. With my sad knees removing the bandage was one of the last things I did. I did, however, use smaller and smaller bandages. The idea was to remind myself not to bump my knee on things, but I lessened the bandages because I felt like I was using the bandages to brace my leg so I could walk. I gently tried to get the limping to go down and use my leg correctly, but I not remove the bandage entirely.

            I think the antibiotic is a good thing.

          5. Squidhead*

            If they looked at it don’t think it’s cellulitis, it could just be the result of fluid shifts without the compression from the coban. Maybe they can give you an edema glove for days if the skin is pretty healed and you can keep wrapping it at night? Also, try keeping it above your heart if possible to reduce pooling of fluid.

          6. Dan*

            I am glad that:

            1) You called a professional :)
            2) Things aren’t alarming and you’re not in immediate danger of losing appendages.

            Cellulitis in and of itself can be anything from “minor inconvenience” to “really f’s you up.” Ask me how I know. Sadly, my last bout with cellulitis turned me into a repeat client with a cardiologist :(

      2. 653-CXK*

        Yup…my father had cellulitis a couple of days before 9/11. He was sick and had the chills, and the next day he thought it was a sunburn. When my brother (an EMT) saw the redness on his legs, he had him go straight to the ER for IV antibiotics. He was admitted, then released a few days later because they feared 9/11 casualties would be coming in, but when he did come home, he did have big blisters on his legs.

        1. Damn it, Hardison!*

          I had it on the tip of my nose, and assumed it was sunburn too! Then it got swollen, started peeling and had a small black mark on it. Went to Urgent Care, Doctor took one look and said “be right back” and the next thing I knew he came back with several other people to take a look at it. Apparently it was the most exciting thing that happened in urgent care that day. I got antibiotics and a cream to put on it. And that’s how I lost a bit of my nose.

          1. Dan*

            My first go at it looked like a nasty sunburn, but it was in area that I hadn’t exposed to much sun, so sunburn wasn’t likely. I figured out that it was something legit because my company has onsite RNs, and the RN was like, “uh… I’m not allowed to diagnose things, but you really need that looked at sooner rather than later.” How fast? “Well, if you don’t have a GP, then urgent care by COB isn’t an overreaction.”

            I also learned that [fill in the blank with a number] of GP’s don’t actually know how to treat cellulitis properly. Both the urgent care guy and a GP/PCP I followed up with were like “let’s try some stuff and see what happens.” Whereas the infectious disease specialist was like, “For that presentation? There’s one set of orals, no ifs and or butts. You need the meds for ten days before you mes around with anything else.”

    5. HQB*

      Have you been using an antibiotic ointment, like Neosporin? Many people are allergic to one of the components, and the allergy can arise right in the middle of a stretch of use (which makes it hard for people to identify the ointment as the culprit).

      1. Generic Name*

        This! I discovered I’m allergic to polymixin, which is one if the 3 antibiotics in neosporin. I was mid-30s and had been using neosporin for much of my life, so it was a new allergy. I was actually using prescribed eye drops and noticed that I had a blister in my eye and was experiencing shortness of breath. Called the dr and they told me to stop using the drops immediately

    6. Healthcare Worker*

      I’m an occupational therapist. Please make sure you’re not wrapping the Cuban too tightly at night.

    7. Mimmy*

      Our skin can be so strange sometimes when healing from wounds. I’ve had more than my fair share of reactions from minor surgery scars and other skin injuries. Like some people mentioned above me, I’ve reacted to Neosporin, though I don’t remember what exactly I was allergic to (I think it was a specific variation of Neosporin). My skin can be weirdly sensitive in general.

      I’m glad that the video chat doctor wasn’t alarmed and that you got antibiotics. I assume you’re still seeing your hand doctor tomorrow? Hopefully all is well.

    8. Retired physician*

      Alison,
      My sister in Chicago has been experiencing the same thing–blisters on, and swelling of, her fingers.
      Before this, her toes were purple and red. Turns out they (the toes) look exactly like Covid toes. (Google it)
      She had unknowingly been exposed to the virus at a meeting several weeks before.
      You may want to check out skin manifestations of Covid, which are varied and more common than previously recognized. Other than finger and toe involvement, my sister has had no other symptoms. Apparently the fingers and toes involvement is much more common in young people. My sister is in her 60’s. This has lasted for quite a while now.
      Hope you have a speedy recovery from whatever this may be.

  69. AshamedAnon*

    Last week with encouragement from you all, I blocked the number/email of the man I had broken up with the night before. I’m 23 and I thought he was 47. I found out last year that he had a partner who he insisted he was leaving me for (yeah, yeah, I know… I should’ve ended things the day I found that out) and he has a son that’s four years younger than me. We dated for four years before I found this information out.

    Since blocking him last Saturday, I’ve been feeling a lot better. Turns out that was a major source of sadness and stress for me. I found out that he’s actually 53(!!!!!!!) and he knocked a few years off so that I wouldn’t have been so nervous when I met him at age 18 four years ago. Goodness. Yep. So that happened.

    I told my therapist this past week. My therapist knew I was seeing him but I hadn’t told anyone about the him having a partner thing because I was ashamed I dated someone for four years who ended up having a partner in another city. I haven’t told anyone else although my friends know I broke up with him. Since breaking up, my crying and anxiety have improved a good amount. I thought after breaking up I would feel sad but really I just started feeling like myself again.

    1. filosofickle*

      Oh my, I am relieved you are out of this relationship and are feeling stronger!

    2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’m so glad you blocked him!!!
      (Also, pretending to be younger to avoid scaring you is a communist parade, good riddance!)

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      Glad you’re free of him. While some May-December romances may be completely wholesome an unproblematic, I think it’s perfectly fine to be skeptical of any 49-year-old partnered person dating an 18-year-old and claming to leave his partner for said 18-year-old. Gross. Glad you’re out of there!

      1. AshamedAnon*

        Esp since 18yo me would not have dated someone the exact age of my parents. Like I know I didn’t think he was *that* much younger than my parents but I would not have dated someone I thought was exactly 30 years older than me. Just like… that was a lot to take in, you know?

        1. Anonymous Educator*

          Yeah, I’ve never gotten the people who want to date people as old as their parents, but that’s their choice, and it should be an informed choice. Nobody should trick you into doing that!

          1. AshamedAnon*

            I shouldn’t have dated him thinking he was 47 either tbh but I was 18 and honestly not really that street smart? He was my first bf/relationship.

            1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

              I would encourage you to cut yourself a lot of slack for this. Men who are 53 (or even 47) who go after 18-year-olds on purpose are extremely very well aware of the enormous imbalance in ppower, life experience,… and are in fact being predatory (even though it is not the illegal kind). There is nothing wrong with you for getting caught up in it. Now you have the kind of life experience that he was avoiding in the first place, and you will recognise this dynamic next time. Please take good care of yourself in the aftermath of this!

              1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

                (I am not just saying this; I in fact specialise in working with people who have committed abuse. In case you need a better reference.)

    5. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Anon, I am very glad to read this! I had been thinking about it. Good for you both making this choice and confiding in your therapist.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Good for you!
      Please continue taking good care of yourself.
      Sending good thoughts.

    7. LGC*

      I found out that he’s actually 53(!!!!!!!)

      …girl, PLEASE write a book about this I would read the HELL out of it. I would rec it to Alison. She would (hopefully) rec it in a weekend FFA.

      But I’m glad you’re doing much better! And hopefully, you continue to do well!

      1. AshamedAnon*

        Yeah, the age thing really threw me because you’d think (I mean I guess not) but I would have thought after coming clean about the partner and the son, there wouldn’t be so many other secrets especially since he spent a lot of time and money “making it up to me” about the whole partner/son thing. We even viewed apartments together so I def believed that he was leaving her for me especially since he had this whole story about how they only ended up together because she ended pregnant with his son, etc etc etc. Obviously now I realize most of that wasn’t likely completely true.

        But the age thing threw me because knocking six years off your age is something that’s bound to come out eventually, right??? And also I could have SWORN that I once saw his drivers license when we were out to dinner once. Because I remember looking at his address at it and being like yep at least he didn’t lie about where he lives. So I guess I didn’t look at his birthdate properly or something???

        1. Observer*

          Not just “not completely true”, but possibly a total fabrication. The guy has told you so many lies that about the only think I would believe him on would be if he told you the sky is blue.

          1. AshamedAnon*

            True. Who really knows what was true at this point. I’m just glad it’s over. I thought I would be sad but things were so upsetting since I found out last Aug that I’m really not sad/upset at all. I’m just relieved.

          2. Amity*

            Actually he sounds like one of those people who say if the sky is blue–you should make sure it hasn’t changed. I know people like that.

            This guy is super skeevy OP, glad you’re rid of him! Best of luck in your therapy.

      2. Eeeek*

        Really? This kind of thing happens all the time. I totally feel for the person it happened to but this is so common I’d call it mundane not book worthy.

      3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I had a discussion with someone before about this. Even if the members in the relationship are legal and consenting adults, the wider the age gap is, the more icky it feels to me. There’s a higher change someone will try to… take advantage of the situation.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      So glad this is behind you. You deserve better and you should have better.

    9. lazy intellectual*

      I’m happy to hear you are feeling better!

      And YIKES to the age thing, but at this point, I’m not surprised.

    11. HQB*

      I am glad you are out of that relationship, out of contact with him, and doing better. Please know that you have nothing to be ashamed of. He does; you do not. It’s up to you, of course, but it could be very freeing to let others know that he was cheating on you, and he lied to and hid things from you. Nobody in their right mind will think worse of you, and realizing and experiencing that can help your brain get rid of the shame it’s holding onto right now.

      1. Observer*

        He wasn’t cheating on her – he was doing worse. He used her to cheat on his wife and he used her without her consent.

    12. Blueberry*

      I’m really glad you’re speaking to your therapist about this.

      He sounds like a lying sack of bad fertilizer. I am cheering you on as your heart heals from his multiple betrayals. Remember — he’s the one who lied to you and promised you things he had no intention of following through on. Please be kind to yourself.

  70. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I was searching for children books that had a particular theme; this was nonexistent in my childhood and has only become common over the last 5-10 years or so. I found a good resource for these books and items.

    Well, they posted the other day that someone is purchasing the book, taking screenshots and compiling them in a Google doc and sharing them for free in various Facebook groups. Without permission from the authors/publishers.

    Naturally people are upset about this because this is intellectual theft. Their facebook group is being reported and inundated with comments saying that this is thievery. Now, unlike most comment sections of the internet, majority of these comments are respectful and kind, but there are still those defending them saying “well you should message them privately, don’t call them out publically, maybe they don’t know it was stolen” etc.

    The amount of mental olympics that people are doing to justify the books being distributed for free without permission, and shame the ones speaking out about it never fails to surprise me. Excuses like “well what if she didn’t know it’s stealing?” HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ITS STEALING???

    /vent over.

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Oh, goodness, how could they not know? Just the same as you wouldn’t take a book to a copy shop and make ten copies of it for your friends 20 years ago.

      The idea that intellectual property theft is a victimless crime is so ridiculous.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Right? especially when these are individual, hard working moms just like them, not multimillionaire corporations. It’s reprehensible to steal from an individual. The thing that makes me angriest is that they hide behind religion. They have such a skewed sense of being religious that stealing from an individual is OK because they’re spreading knowledge. gtfoh.

    2. Emily*

      That is frustrating.

      I think that the ease of finding and sharing things electronically (books, tv shows, etc.) has made some people weirdly entitled – they want ready and cheap (or free) access to things. I recently got into a disagreement with someone over the legality/ethicality of the online “library” run by the Internet Archive (for those who don’t know, some of the books they lend out are ones that they don’t have the rights to).

      I’ll admit that I have watched things illegally online before, but now that I understand the full ramifications of my actions (the small amount of money that I would’ve paid is lost, but that’s not all – there’s also potential ad revenue, official viewership numbers that help determine whether or not a sequel is made, etc.), I try to do do better than that now.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I can understand if someone views something and just assumes that they have the rights to share it but in this case, this person has been messaged many times that what they are doing is illegal and unethical but they continue to persist in sharing the intellectual property. They’ve created multiple accounts on social media and have posted the same message in various groups. What makes me angry about it is the religion angle and how they hide behind religion and the hypocrisy of it.

        1. Emily*

          Yeah, this person sounds willfully ignorant/malicious at this point – sorry if it came across like I was trying to make excuses for them!

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            No you’re good! I will say when people were pointing out that what she was doing was wrong — they were getting attacked for putting it out there and legitimately making all sorts of excuses for her.

      2. Fikly*

        I used to watch some things illegally – but my line was always, is there a legal way to obtain this? If not (typically because it was not sold in my country) I felt justified in watching it illegally, because there was no legal way to pay for it.

        Which isn’t to say that what I was doing was morally right, but I felt at the time like it wasn’t taking money away from the producers as there was no way to get it to them. And generally, when it finally became available a year or two later, I would purchase it then.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          That’s understandable, I’m pretty sure most of us have watched movies or listened to music, esp in the early 2000s with Napster etc. Most of my outrage is the religious hypocrisy and the person blatantly ignoring everyone.

    3. Fikly*

      Also, in many places, it’s illegal to recieve stolen goods, irregardless of whether or not the person receiving them knows if they are stolen.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Here’s the thing – when an honest person learns they were unwittingly doing something wrong, they stop doing it.

      And they say stuff like, “Oh, wow, I had no idea! I’m so sorry!”

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Exactly. This person ignores the messages, blocks the people speaking out, and keeps creating new profiles. They want to hide behind religion and it’s infuriating.

  71. Anon for this*

    I’m feeling a bit frazzled and am wondering if people can give their input on how I could have handled this situation better?

    For the first time, I managed to get a grocery delivery slot. I put in my order 2 weeks ago and it arrived this morning. For some context, I live in an apartment building, but the store assured me the delivery would be contactless and directly to my door.

    Well, I got a call from the delivery person this morning telling me he was in front of the building. I asked him if he could deliver to my door. He told me he couldn’t get in and that he didn’t know what my unit number was. I decided to circumvent the confusion by asking him to leave my order in front of the building and I would retrieve it myself. (I’ve done this with takeout before, and it worked fine.) He said okay and hung up.

    When I got downstairs, I saw that the delivery person was actually standing in the lobby. The concierge was also at the desk looking confused. I stood far away from him, confirmed my order, and told him again to leave my groceries at the front desk and I would take them upstairs. He offered to carry them up for me. I said okay and let him into the elevator. Once we both got on the elevator, he started scolding me for not wearing a mask. He said, “Don’t you know whenever you go outside, you’re supposed to wear a mask?! You just don’t seem to care!” I tried to tell him that I wasn’t expecting to leave my unit, but he talked over me and continued scolding.

    I’m kind of annoyed at this guy, but I understand he has a difficult job with very little reward. My question is should I continue to get groceries delivered, and if I do, should I just instruct them to leave them at the front of the building? I want to avoid this situation in the future.

    1. Anon for this*

      Also, when I got to my unit, I closed the door behind me and told him to leave the groceries on my doormat. He then knocked on my door and told me to sign for the delivery and tip the driver. I did, but it defeats the whole contactless thing anyway??

      1. Eeeek*

        I definitely wouldn’t have tipped he’s being a huge asshole. You did nothing wrong!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      What he did makes no sense and is kind of obnoxious. That said, like you, I’m willing to cut him a little slack for being in an extremely stressful job. Maybe he’s been given instructions by a supervisor that he can’t leave things in the lobby? Who knows?

      That said, we did he was totally messed up and, frankly, creepy. Why would he claim to leave it and then still be there? Why would he insist on being in an elevator with you (presumably not six feet apart) and then scold you for not wearing a mask?

    3. Following one's heart*

      That sounds like a super annoying interaction. My 2 cents – get grocery delivery again if you want, but don’t let them carry groceries up to your place. You’ll avoid being in the elevator (small space) and any other kind of interaction like that. If you have to sign, you’ll be signing in the lobby; have cash in your pocket to give as a tip if that’s an option or as part of your sign-off write down the tip. If the groceries are too heavy, bring your grocery cart to pick them up and if it’s a big order I’m sure your concierge will be fine with keeping an eye on your stuff if you need to make two trips. I’ve had groceries delivered twice…and it was using instacart (not sure if you’re using that or not or if it’s available in your area). Instacart includes a tip for the driver and you never have to sign anything – so maybe look into it? The first time, the gentleman just left them with my concierge, I never even saw him, the second time, I met the fellow who brought them, but he left them on the ground for me to pick up, though he kindly offered to bring them upstairs as well, I declined.

      1. Washi*

        I agree, I would assume that you can’t get stuff delivered right to your door. (I live in an apartment building too and haven’t tried getting delivery during the pandemic, but have never had success getting people to come to my door in the past, no matter how detailed the info I give is!)

        As an apartment concierge, I have observed the following patterns:
        1. Sometimes whatever app is being used doesn’t show information properly
        2. Sometimes the delivery person is in a rush and does not seem to look carefully at the info they do have
        3. At least in my area, there are very often language barrier issues and I have seen so many frustrated phone calls between delivery people and residents. I have also had delivery people just hand me their phone because they don’t understand what the resident is saying/can’t find the info they need in their app.

        Basically, my experience tells me that you should expect apartment delivery to be a crapshoot and for drivers to be rushed and stressed. Not that I think any of the things you’re complaining about are petty – I don’t think this guy handled things well and I’ve actually never seen a customer be berated! – but just that issues with delivery abound, unfortunately.

        1. Anon for this*

          Yeah – the weird thing is I gave him the option to leave the groceries at the lobby-level and go, but he didn’t take it? I now regret taking up his offer to bring the groceries upstairs to my unit, and should have insisted that he leave them in the lobby. I assume he did this because I had to sign for the groceries, but I should have just done everything in the lobby. I was just a bit taken aback by the whole thing.

          1. Washi*

            Agreed!! I think you did everything right on your end, given that you thought he would deliver to your door.

            (Just to be clear, my list was mainly to make the point that delivery goes awry all.the.time and that’s pretty much my default expectation, not that any miscommunication was your fault.)

          2. Senior Montoya*

            You can ask the delivery person in this case to put the paper to sign down and please step back — don’t sign until they are far enough away.

            And please do put on your mask when you go outside your apt. You don’t know if you will encounter anyone in the corridor or elevator or on the stairs. And it’s better for the health of your doorman / concierge.

      2. Overeducated*

        I agree with this recommendation to drop off in the lobby next time and avoid the issue.

        I think we owe each other more slack than normal now, I’m sorry he didn’t give it to you but I’d advise you to chalk it up to his frayed nerves.

    4. nep*

      He should be fired from whatever company he’s working for. I’d love for you to report his unprofessional and unsafe behavior, but I get it if you choose not to or just don’t need the aggravation. Pretty much the opposite of contact-free delivery.
      Sorry you had to go through that.

      1. Barb*

        That’s terrible, to try to get someone fired because the directions were changed on them several times and you’re not happy that they were confused about it. They have a much tougher, riskier situation than the person receiving groceries.

        1. nep*

          From OP’s account, doesn’t sound to me as if this person was following delivery instructions.
          Not trying to get someone fired. Simply wanting everyone to take the precautions we all need to be taking to stop the spread of this virus. It’s everyone’s responsibility, including–especially–workers like grocery couriers.

    5. nep*

      (I’d say give grocery delivery another chance, but make the delivery on your terms all the way. I hope you’ll get smarter, more professional people doing your future deliveries.)

      1. Anon for this*

        Thanks! Well, now I know better. I was wondering if I was being a grocery delivery noob, but good to know it wasn’t just me messing up. I’m not going to complain about the guy, but I might consider using Instacart next time.

        1. nep*

          Nope. Not your mistakes at all. Shipt delivery was one of my side hustles pre-pandemic, and this would be completely unacceptable behavior in my view. We are to follow customer’s directions to the letter, especially in these exceptional times (within reason and all in interest of safety, of course); this person came nowhere near that. And to come back and have you sign and tip and all? Ridiculous.
          Hope this was a total fluke and things will work out better in future orders.

          1. nep*

            (Not assuming it was Shipt–I’m just mentioning as I’ve done a lot of shops with Shipt; in any case, you unfortunately had a less-than-qualified shopper. All these companies are hiring like crazy right now, and I’m not sure whether they are doing the interview process as rigorously.)

            1. Anon for this*

              This was a delivery service offered by our local grocery chain. They actually aren’t known for great service, but I didn’t think it delivery would be as complicated as it was.

        2. Workerbee*

          I’d complain about him! He ignored instructions, then waited until you were alone with him in an enclosed space to berate you, then thought he could get you to open your door again, and also insist on a tip. Everybody is stressed; not everybody chooses to make things worse. He did.

    6. Fikly*

      I live in a large apartment building, and all groceries deliveries, and takeout, must be left in the lobby in a designated location. Generally the delivery person will call or text to alert that they are there, and I say thanks, and that’s the end of it. They’re gone by the time I get to the lobby.

      If you have a concierge, perhaps they could be a help to you here?

    7. RagingADHD*

      This made sense up to the point where you told him to leave them at the front desk. It should have ended there.

      I guess he was pushing for a bigger tip by taking them to your door? The whole situation got very wierd after that, and I probably wouldn’t order from there again if you have other options.

    8. TG*

      Just be firm and assertive next time.

      Is there a designated spot to drop things off in hour lobby? If not, perhaps you can discuss getting one with your concierge.

      Next time, you can tell the delivery person to leave it in the lobby. And just be firm, no matter what they say, you can be polite and still firm.

      We’re all learning, so don’t feel frazzled.

  72. Anon and alone*

    ******************
    Happy Birthday
    ******************

    To all those who celebrate a birthday the week of May 10 to May 16, may you have a nice day, with those you love and who love you, both human and non-human, virtually or in person. May you enjoy the foods and drinks you like (and dance a little, if you’re so inclined). No matter how you’re celebrating, know that there are those out here who also wish you a Happy Birthday.

    Until next week.

    1. SarahKay*

      Thank you. It’s my birthday this week, and I plan to celebrate with my last hoarded bottle of full-sugar Irn Bru.
      Stay well, Anon and Alone x

    2. Diahann Carroll*

      Thank you. Today is my birthday, and I appreciate being able to do absolutely nothing.

  73. Seifer*

    So I got laid off about a month ago, which I kind of saw coming, but that doesn’t mean I’m not salty as hell. But anyway. I tried to be positive about it, thinking that I could clean up my garage, finish my house projects, build my giant planter, get plants outside, and… I’ve barely done any of those things. It’s so weird. Terribly demotivating.

    I don’t know what I’m trying to say. I just feel all weird and listless. It’s like. We spend all our waking time at work and we want free time, and then now that I have all the free time, I… don’t know what to do with myself. These are weird times.

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      That sucks, but I hope you’re allowing for yourself that your reaction to these circumstances is perfectly okay. If there’s an inside (or outside) voice pressuring you to be productive because of the “free time” you have, shut that down. We’re in extraordinarily traumatizing stressful times now, and just because you don’t have any obligations doesn’t mean you’re suddenly in an optimal place to be getting tons of stuff done. Take care of you.

    2. All Hail Queen Sally*

      On a facebook group I belong to, a person from another country used the term “Pandemic Malaise” to describe that very feeling. I too don’t exactly understand it, as having lots of spare time has always been a dream and I have a list a mile long of things to do. Some are chores around the house, while others are things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Still, nothing gets done.

    3. Following one's heart*

      Aww hugs out to you, that’s so hard. I was temporarily laid off (tho should be going back in about a week…hopefully, but lots of uncertainly will be present regardless), but having that free time is not the same as having free time and being paid fully and being literally able to do whatever you want. You’re facing lack of income and many restrictions to what you can do, so it’s so far from a normal time off.. don’t be hard on yourself. What All Hail Queen Sally wrote, “Pandemic Malaise”, sounds very right for these times. But try to have even small goals for yourself…you’ll fell better after you’ve done them…even if it’s just cleaning out one drawer in your desk or kitchen cupboard. Easier said than done on some days, I know…been there.

    4. WellRed*

      Yeah, i have lots of little things I was definitely going to take care of. Not making much progress.

    5. ReadingTheStoics*

      Yes – I’ve been in this spot before (though not getting to join the crowd now that it’s a communal experience). One of the things I’ve been doing with my own stress now is to think about such times and what got me through it. Ymmv of course, but what got me back on track in every case was having a social group I felt responsible to. People doing things that I felt I had to compete/stay in peer relationship with. Obv it’s extra hard to join anything when we’re being encouraged not to meet – but I have found it helpful to look for ‘virtual mentors’ on the things I want to get done: Who has cleaned their garage and told a story about that? Who has built planters? Who is talking about their planting? Extra helpful if there’s a commentariat that you can join.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Wow I could have written this. I too was laid off about 6 weeks ago and I didn’t see it coming and was devastated. I planned a million and one things and was able to do very few things. aside from a middling job search. Lots of great advice here. Doesn’t help when you have “happy harder” and “pain olympics” people around you. Pandemic malaise seems to be appropriate. Good advice here, hope you find your happyiness soon.

  74. Elisabeth*

    I was just marveling at how much content Alison produces. I’ve been reading the site for a long time, and I still usually come across a new post whenever I click “surprise me”. (I just tried it and took me five clicks before it resulted in something I’d read before.) Thank you for all the interesting content, Alison!

  75. Following one's heart*

    Hey all you great posters. Almost 3 months back I posted here about a guy I was dating that was def a bad fit for me and you compassionately and firmly helped me realize that I deserve better. You all also helped me find the words to drop my therapist at the time…found a good one as of about 2 months ago and she’s a great fit and our sessions have been helpful.
    Now…I’d really appreciate some insight…or comparing notes on online dating. I haven’t given up a nice man I can connect with and heck with some luck maybe even come across my one and only (I’m a straight woman, in my mid 30s). For the time being it’s obviously virtual only, but still. I signed up for Hinge about…a month or so ago, after not having been/needed to use online dating for 5 years. It’s not bad, and honestly, even if I don’t find my man using Hinge it, it’s a great tool to not lose my dating skills altogether, even if it’s just to connect through text, a phonecall or video chat. I’ve had longer msg exchanges with 3 guys but only one got to a video chat. The other two..I got fed up with messaging after either boredom or a VERY mismatched sense of humour. I am well aware it takes time to find someone to connect with online and I’m not for rushing, BUT, I wanted to compare notes because…I don’t know whether I’m picking well enough or is it slim pickins? lol Here goes…sometimes I’ll come across a guy who’s pictures I find attractive, but the profile lacks whether he has kids or not, and whether he wants them or not…why? What’s the big deal in revealing that, esp since some people may/may not prefer to date someone who already has children. Hinge also has the option to show whether a person drinks alcohol, uses cannabis or uses recreational drugs. My profile is quite transparent – I show that I don’t have children and that I want them. It also shows that I like the occasional glass of wine, but not other substances. Some of the guys that appear in the suggested matches won’t even include what kind of jobs they have, or they’ll list the college they attended, but no profession; they will entirely exclude the alcohol/weed/drugs part, again, why? And perhaps instead of asking why, does it make more sense for me to “like” profiles of men that include the information I include? Btw, complete profiles like that are quite rare and I don’t get why, what is the big deal about disclosing such basic things about oneself…doesn’t it bode for a better match? (and yes, I get it, some folks are there for more casual relationships). And it’s not a matter of having the paid or free version of the app, the criteria I mentioned are part of the free version. It’s basically that some of them just don’t want to show some of these characteristics. Also, about politics…from my friendships and esp. past relationships I learned that long term compatibility for me works with either a moderate or left leaning guy (it’s not a judgment on anyone’s politics but for me I learned the hard way with a conservative ex bf – our values were SO MISALIGNED and politics were one of the things at the root of this misalignment). I’ve come across profiles that have other good attributes but on occasion these guys either exclude politics entirely or on the very rare occasion, state they’re conservative. Do I give them a chance and message, or move on and not waste time?
    What has others’ experiences been? Do you have any advice from current or past experience?

    1. Jdc*

      Because they don’t care if their answers match yours because they are looking for a sexual relationship and nothing serious, which I found the usually be the case on any dating website ever. I even met someone who use Christian Mingle just to prove he could get every Christian girl he went out with into bed, and oddly it worked.

      1. Following one's heart*

        That’s a ballsy strategy that guy had..man…I’m surprised it worked too

        1. JDC*

          Ya I wasn’t impressed but shocking it worked. He’d have a new girl with him every time I saw him. Friend of a friend of a friend type thing. I wouldn’t willingly hang around him.

    2. pancakes*

      I haven’t used sites or apps in a few years but I think it’s pretty common on all of them for hetero dudes to be vague or incomplete in their profiles. I think guys who do that often seem to be thinking they’re helping themselves by casting as wide a net as possible, not realizing that they’re not giving potential matches much, if anything, to see appeal or potential in.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      I saw this a lot when I was online dating (I used Christian Mingle and Match back in 2015-2017). I think a lot of guys just do the bare minimum in putting up a profile — it’s very frustrating!

      I did meet my soon to be husband (wedding next week!) on Match though. One of the first things about him that appealed to me was that he could write complete sentences in his profile lol. And he liked me back even though I was an inch taller and a year older than what he put he was looking for.

      I would say don’t be afraid to message guys with somewhat incomplete profiles if something about them appeals to you. But I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with bringing up dealbreakers early on in online conversations.

      1. Following one's heart*

        Thanks! Appreciate the encouragement, advice and positive outlook. Yay for complete sentences lol, I like men who can write complete and correctly spelled sentences too haha.

    4. TechWorker*

      I did online dating for maybe 9 months (and then ended up meeting my partner through work..) and met a couple of people who were nice in that time, though the only one I really liked we got to date 5 before he decided he didn’t really want a girlfriend and was after something more casual. I think basically my advice would be to try to ‘meet’ people ASAP and don’t invest too much into messaging. There was one guy who was sweet and funny over IM and I was really excited about meeting but… absolutely zero chemistry in person.

      I also had more success with plenty of fish than hinge but that might be because I had a few people on hinge contact me with sexual messages (which wasn’t what I was looking for) and the one hinge date I did go on was so bad I deleted the app. (It was so awful… he got quite drunk and I could barely understand his French accent so had to get him to repeat himself, he kept yanking at the scarf i was wearing, I think intended in a cutesy way but I was more like Er pls don’t strangle me, & when we were walking back to the train station (early, I was like yeah ok going home now) he brought some pastries out from a lunchbox in his pocket. I practically ran away from him.)

      1. Following one's heart*

        Thanks so much…yikes about your crazy bizarre date…smh-pastries in tupperware, wow…sorry you had to go through that. I agree with “meeting” the person sooner. The mismatched humour dude and I messaged for two weeks and he put off two of my requests for video chat twice…lessons learned…time is precious.

    5. Generic Name*

      I was on okcupid and bumble a few years ago. Met my fiancé on bumble!! It does take a long time to completely fill out a profile, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why so many guys don’t fill it out all the way. I’ve seen hugely long profiles that are practically novel length and I’ve seen profiles that are basically just a sentence. I think a happy medium between the two is fine. I wouldn’t necessarily consider it a red flag if the profile doesn’t cover literally everything. There’s something to be said for getting to know someone slowly. I do think it’s pretty important to mention if one has kids or not, though.

      If past experience has shown you aren’t compatible with conservative guys, then by all means, swipe left. I personally don’t think it’s a dealbreaker to leave that info off a profile. What made the difference for me was talking to someone on the app. I dated a handful of guys (mostly a bunch of first dates), and it turns out that the man I was the most compatible with was the one I had the best conversations with. It never felt forced. The conversations were normal and weren’t simply asking and answering a series of back and forth questions. The profiles on bumble are pretty minimal, so I learned about his politics and a lot of dealbreaker stuff on our early dates.

      So, in essence, I don’t see any harm in liking/messaging guys that you think are attractive and you don’t see any red flags on their profiles, even if they are shorter than you’d like. Online dating begins to feel like shopping from a catalogue after a while. People want to fast forward through the early getting to know you (do I even like you?) phase and go straight to the relationship phase, but I think it just doesn’t work that way.

      1. Following one's heart*

        Thanks – appreciate your perspective and advice. I agree! It does feel like shopping from a catalogue lol…I agree, I don’t want to rush things, just want to at least have a chat with someone who is more likely than not to be compatible. And YES…I know what it’s like for a convo not to feel forced vs when it is…def suffered thru some forced convos in the past where I felt pure relief after leaving the convo lol. I too hope to find that ease, together with a handsome face :) Nice to hear your met your match on bumble :)

    6. TL -*

      For what it’s worth, when I’m online dating (female), I don’t put marriage/kids stuff on my profile. I’m open to both, but I’m not fast-tracking towards them and it’s a conversation I’d rather have in person during the first few dates. Going into a first date with a checklist of future compatible goals already matched up feels much more committed than I want it to be. And in person, I can get a much better sense of what someone wants in a more organic way.

      I just don’t want someone walking away from the first (or twelfth!) date going, our timelines match up, there’s decent chemistry, I should just invest really heavily into making this work. Because that would not be at all where I’m at.

    1. Dancing Otter*

      Useful, how? Keep a llama’s length apart? Teach your llama to spit at anyone without a mask? Go live with a herd of llamas instead of people?
      I made a mask with giraffe print fabric. Does that count?

      2. pancakes*

        My understanding it that llama antibodies are about a quarter of the size of human antibodies, and might be especially useful if nebulized and put in inhalers. A giraffe print mask can’t hurt though!

  77. Nervous Nellie*

    Happy/positive stuff thread! I have one small thing to share this week:

    I came up with a surprisingly workable stopgap solution to using my apartment building’s shared laundry room. I bought the largest salad spinner I could find, and am using it to spin all delicates, socks, smaller items (after washing & rinsing in the kitchen sink) to hang in my bathroom until completely dry. It really flipping works! I hope that is a useful tip for someone here.

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      And I forgot to add – the Washington Post had a great article this week (May 6th) about a llama (!!!) in a research center in Belgium who, like all llamas & alpacas apparently has super antibody-ish blood. Scientists are studying her blood and engineering antibodies that might be just the ticket for us. Her name is Winter, and she is SO pretty! Llamas to the rescue! :)

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend who bow lives out of her RV introduced me to the idea of manually operated washers the size of a 5 gallon bucket. Too many Google results to pick one, including DIY versions. I can’t imagine using them for heavy denim but yoga pants & tshirts no problem!

  78. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Yesterday I got a call from a local number. I had just missed it so I called them back and it went to voicemail. I did not know the name. About 10 minutes later, the number called back:

    Stranger: “Hi, Potato?”
    Me: “yes, this is Potato. I got a call from you?”
    stranger: “I called you? I did not, I’ve been sitting here.”
    Me: “Oh, sorry must be a weird phone thing.” and we laughed and hung up.

    Normally I don’t pick up any unknown numbers, but I’m job searching now so.

    I had figured it was one of those numbers calling back claiming that I had called. It was some weird phishing thing going on with my carrier a while back but it’s been about a year since that happened.

    As soon as I hung up, I realized he said my name and he knew who I was but says he didn’t call me. SO WEIRD.

    2. tangerineRose*

      Some people have that thing on the phone that shows who’s calling you.

      I got a call from someone a year or so ago who thought he was calling me back, but I hadn’t called him. I think a scammer spoofed my number.

      1. Just Another Manic Millie*

        Me too! I answered my landline to hear a woman say, “You just called me.” I said, “No, I didn’t.” She said that my phone number came up. I said that I hadn’t called anyone from my landline, and someone must have spoofed my number. She believed me. Then I got frightened, wondering if the person who spoofed my landline number would do it over and over again. Luckily, it never happened again. Or, if it did, the people who appeared to get a call from my landline just ignored the calls and didn’t call me back. When my cellphone gets calls from phone numbers unknown to me, I don’t answer them, and I never try calling them back.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          It is so strange, I was getting these type of calls daily for a few weeks every few months. Basically the person said I called them, I didn’t. Sometimes they’d just hang up or I wouldn’t answer. They start and stop randomly.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      That is weird! If your first name is pretty common, maybe they were expecting a call from a different Potato?

      I have called people back when a scammer spoofed their number and it’s very confusing for both of us!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Spoofing seems to be a problem here. Sometimes it’s my own number on the caller ID. My friend got a call with her own number on the caller ID just after her husband died. She dryly asked, “Oh, do they have phone on The Other Side?”

    4. Choggy*

      If I get a call to my phone from an unfamiliar number I do not answer and wait to see if a vm is left, if no vm, then I definitely do not call the number back. If it’s that important, they would have left a message.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s true, I typically do that but I’m looking for a job now and I feel like I need to pick up asap.

        Except scammers now have local #s. *facepalm*

    5. Phones are really just computers now*

      Your name probably came up on the Call ID when you called him. Spoofing is still really common; spoofers use someone else’s phone number to mask their own so that they can’t be traced, so when you call the number back, you get the actual owner of the phone number who has no idea why you’re calling. Just one of the little weirdnesses of the modern world.

  79. PhyllisB*

    And in other news, I have told you about the saga of my son fighting addiction problems. He has been in a sober living facility since March and has been doing very well until he got struck with the dumbass and started talking to a girl on Tinder. This is a big no no when you are still in care, so they took his phone away. My daughter who works in self-recovery found out and told me. He didn’t want me to know because he was embarrassed. (I was wondering why he wasn’t answering my texts!!)
    I couldn’t help but laugh; he’s just lucky they didn’t kick him out.

  80. C25K*

    I started a couch to 5k and I’m kinda mad at it. I did weeks 1, 2 and 3 but then felt like I was starting to get shin splints. That combined with crappy weather led to me taking a week off and then repeating week 3. I just finished week 4. Now granted I run very slowly but I don’t think any of the runs I’ve tracked with my fitbit have came in over 2 miles. C’mon! I ran for 16 minutes and walked for 14 minutes. That’s gotta be over two miles! Jeez fitbit. Also shin splints. My shin still feels a little sore. How can I prevent those.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      Well, in normal circumstances, I would suggest consulting because you don’t want it to get worse.

      But considering the circumstances, I’m going to give you the recommandation I got, which is try to run at 180-190 beats per minute (that’s your feet, not your heart). I think it forces your feet to adopt a more “natural” way of running (toes first)? Also, make sure you got the right shoes on (again, considering the circumstances, might not be feasible to get new shoes). I tried running with bad shoes on and the physiotherapist looked at me like I was insane.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I replied to this comment. I don’t know if I did something wrong or it got stuck in moderation?
      My recommendation (not a medical professional) was to try and run at 180-190 beats per minute (that’s your feet rhythm). Apparently, it forces your feet to hit the ground a more natural way.
      But I would also consult at soon as possible.

    3. Reba*

      I have found foam rolling to be helpful with shin splints, but as I understand, avoiding them is mainly about good shoes (so you don’t overpronate) and getting enough rest.

    4. LGC*

      First of all, congrats – and good luck!

      So, a couple of things:

      1) About the shin splints – it’s good that you stopped, but you might want to ease in a little bit. Shin splints, IIRC, are usually an overuse injury, so often you’ll need to lower the workload. Which is discouraging, but it’s not a big deal. You said you repeated week 3 – you might actually want to try repeating week 2 and then going back to week 3. Which sounds discouraging, but you have time!

      I’m not sure how you’re run-walking, but I think most plans worth their salt will tell you to alternate on/off (like 1 minute on, 1 minute off, so on and so forth). If you ran for 16 minutes straight then walked 14 minutes…that’s a bit much to start off with.

      2) In “advice I should really take myself”: mileage isn’t as important as time. It really depends on how accurate your GPS signal is, and it can be slightly more or less than a set distance. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t hit your mileage goals – they’ll come in time. As you get more fit, you’ll find that you go further.

    5. Ellen Ripley*

      I’ve tried c25k and IME it ramps up too fast too quickly for most people. Try spreading each week out over 10 days or 2 weeks, repeating each week, or creating interim weeks in-between each of their goals. There’s a similar plan which ramps up more slowly, but I can’t remember the name of it right now! If I think of it later, I’ll come back and post the link.

    6. Purt’s Peas*

      I did a c25k a little while ago! I also struggled with shin splints on and off while getting started. When they say ease into it, they really mean ease into it: I found that the c25k stretched out many more weeks for me, when I included the time I rested my dang shin splints.

      I’m not surprised that your runs haven’t been over 2 miles. Walking might be 3 mph, slower if you’ve really slowed down for recovery, and a slow jog might be less than 5mph.

      But, speed isn’t your goal! Not only do you have to build strength and cardio health, you’ve got to harden off those tendons n stuff to the crazy impact of running.

    7. TPS reporter*

      I over pronate and get shin splints. Wearing arch support inserts has really helped.

    8. RagingADHD*

      C25K ramps up way too fast. I always repeat each week at least once, sometimes twice.

      Shinsplints mean you need better shoes and lots of stretching. It also helps if you stay “over” your feet, so your knees are going forward and you’re landing more on your midfoot.

      I used to run with my weight sitting back, landing with a hard heel strike. This made me more prone to shinsplints because my feet were flexing so hard. The muscle that flexes your foot is the one that causes the trouble. Taking shorter steps helps.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I used to get shin splints when ice skating….only thing that helped was keeping my legs warmer than the rest of me. I still hate leg warmers.
      Now years later, my problem is heel pain that matches the description of heel spurs… But goes away when I replace my shoes. As much as I love Merrell’s Urban moccasins, I keep learning the hard way that the soft soles wear out before the tops are visibly worn out.

    10. Ron McDon*

      I run for 30 minutes and often don’t run 3 miles in that time! C25k is a misleading name in my opinion – it really is about running for 30 minutes non stop by the end of the course. Some people will be running 5k before they’re running for 30 mins, some people need to run for 40mins+ to run 5k.

      Don’t concentrate on the distance, until you’re able to run for 30 mins comfortably in one go. Then you can start running a bit faster to get your distance up.

      If you go to the health unlocked website and join the C25k forum (UK site) you can get lots of really good advice from people who are doing/have completed the course. Not reaching 5k by the end of the course is something that comes up a lot, and the majority of people will tell you they weren’t runn8ng 5k at graduation.

      It’s more important to build your stamina on each run; the distance isn’t the important thing yet.

      Have fun doing it, that’s important too!

  81. Jedi Squirrel*

    I cheered myself up by going for a long walk. It’s cold, so there wasn’t anyone else out.

    Then I watched a couple of Metalachi videos. They’re a mariachi band that does covers of heavy metal songs. Their versions of “Bohemian Rhapsody” and Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark” are two of my favorites.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        That is so true! (Just got back from walk #2 today.)

        I’m still trying to get my 10,000 steps in a day, for mental health reasons more than anything. It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow, so that probably won’t happen. I can clean house though. I get plenty of steps in vacuuming. (My upstairs neighbors vacuum 4-5 times a day. Must be having glitter parties.)

  82. Jennifer Juniper*

    Who are the big fluffballs? I literally squeed when I saw that picture!

    2. Victoria, Please*

      Hank and Shadow. They were fosters but Alison could not resist them, you can see why. :-)

  83. MechanicalPencil*

    I feel like this group is possibly my best resource for this information.

    I am very tentatively considering getting a cat. I have been a dog person/had dogs my entire life. I currently have dogs even.

    If I were to get a cat, what items would I need? Obviously a litter box and so on. And food. But…el

    1. MechanicalPencil*

      Sigh. Premature post.

      Aside from the obvious, what other items or things should I consider?

      1. pancakes*

        I went from being a previously lifelong dog person to a cat person. I can’t think of anything you need besides a litter box and food. My cat likes catnip a lot but she’s also very happy to play with a piece of ribbon or string.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      Long time cat owner here. I’ve had one or two since I was about 5 and my kitties have lived long lives of 15 years+
      Cats have many different personalities. Some are shy, mellow indoor kitties. Others are bold and crave the outdoors and get very bored and restless inside or need more room to leap and play. All are pretty independent either way. So, first of all is to decide which personality you like mellow or playful and adventurous? Some of this may be breed-specific, but I’ve had mixed-breed kitties of both types.

      What they need:
      >Litter box and scoop (1 for each cat + a spare if possible)
      >Food and Water dishes
      >Warm, quiet and soft place to sleep where they feel protected (bed, blanket – kitties like to be cozy & warm)
      >Cat Tree/Scratching post or A place up high somewhere (most cats like to climb things and scratch things) This could be stacks of boxes even if you’re on a budget. It’s instinct for them to hide or go up.
      >Window views (cats love to look out windows or have a perch by a window, especially indoor cats)
      >A few cat toys, maybe one pole-type for exercise and soft catnip type for fun
      >Small brush (they don’t generally need bathing, but you brush 1-2x week)
      >Nail Clippers for claw trims (you can do this yourself, the clipper is like a little scissor)
      >Love and petting! And usually your lap is required.

      That’s about it. Kitties are fairly easy keepers for the most part. But cats can become anxious if they don’t have a place to climb or sleep to “get away” from other pets and even their humans. Most cats will adapt and get along readily enough with dogs but you’ll have to socialize them well. I would go to this guy Jackson Galaxy (the Cat Daddy) who has a lot of information about cat behavior if you’ve never had cats.

      I hope you consider adopting. Cats are wonderful to have, and are sweet, kooky and funny, unique individuals. Nothing makes me happier than to have a cat on my lap in the evening.

    3. Tabbytat*

      A good cat tree or two. Grooming tools (I recommend the Furminator line). Toys (different cats like different types of toys, but mine have all loved Da Bird and ping pong balls). A cat carrier. Litter tray, and litter. Feeding dishes. Food, and treats. A water dish or a fountain. Pet insurance, or at least a dedicated account to save money for vet bills (if you have dogs you probably already have this sorted). Flea and worm treatments.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      -Food and water bowls. You can buy ones from the pet section, but any bowl you have will do as well. You might want to consider feeding the cat somewhere the dogs can’t get. Dogs like cat food better than dog food. Your cat may also appreciate a separate water bowl, particularly if your dogs are slobbery.
      -Toys. Although great toys can be improvised easily. Balled up paper, a stick, a long stem of grass. But you’ll want to get some. More will accumulate later.
      -A cat tree is traditional. I got one for my cat. She loves the box it came in. Never uses the actual cat tree. And they are expensive. So I wouldn’t recommend one.
      -Definitely a cat carrier.
      -A mat to go under the litter box. Cat litter travels on kitty paws.
      -Go ahead and get the enzyme cleaner. Hopefully you won’t need it. But if you do, you’ll want it immediately.
      -Beds, blankets, baskets and other squishy and cozy spots. The cat can just curl up on your bed and sofa and be perfectly fine. But the beds are really cute. I do recommend a cat size basket, though the cat would enjoy a cardboard box just as well.
      -Feliway. It’s a spray that smells like happiness and contentment to cats. It’s got the hormone it it that cats rub on things when they are cozy and happy.
      -I have a number of puzzle feeders. They are great. But you should just feed a cat in a boring bowl at first, so no need to rush out and buy one immediately.

    5. Jackalope*

      I agree with the cat tree; something high enough that they can see out a window (and you didn’t mention any kids, but if you have children or regular children visitors, high enough that they can get away from the kid too). Something to scratch (I’d recommend a few things scattered around the house but they don’t have to be fancy; you can get cardboard scratchers for just a few dollars) and a few toys. I like to buy the packs of catnip mice and small round balls and dole them out one or two at a time. Cat fishing poles are good too. I’ve tried official cat food bowls and old people food bowls and the cats like the cat food bowls better; I’ve heard that it’s because their heads for better, don’t know if that’s true or even if it extends to all cats, but that’s what mine liked. Have at least one blanket that they can snuggle with (can be an old blanket of yours).

    6. New Normal*

      Just echoing what others have said – cats don’t need much!

      For food dishes, mine prefer our old plates to any special cat bowls. Cats (in general) don’t like their whiskers touching the rim of a bowl so the plates are perfect.

      Don’t buy fancy beds except for your own enjoyment. Save boxes. Cats LOVE boxes.

      If you get a kitten, get two. Kittens have so, so much energy and really do best in multiples. Two kittens are, in many ways, less work than one. Cats can go solo (depending on personality) but kittens need someone to wrestle.

      Enjoy your new friend! Cats are fantasy little weirdos.

    7. Aphrodite*

      Be aware of things to be very careful about with cats. Many plants and flowers can be toxic; Easter lilies are probably the worst. The ASPCA has a list of plants toxic to them (and dogs) but cats may be more inclined to munch of live plants.

      Discard any string, yarn, ribbon, dental floss in a receptacle that your cat cannot get to at all. Should it be swallowed it can wrap itself round your cat’s internal organs and kill the cat.

      Consider getting a bonded pair; they will keep each other company and two are (honestly) not more trouble than one. Ask Alison, who fulfilled her foster role by gaining two more cats.

      Make them indoors only. There are too many dangers outdoors–fleas, ticks, sick people, cars, dogs and wild animals, and more. (And always, always protect them within at least a couple of weeks of Halloween.) But do provide them with a good place to see out a window for entertainment.

      Talk to the rescues in your community; volunteers generally have a good feel for matching personalities.

      Consider mature or even old cats. They tend to be less adoptable than kittens but also more appreciative of a loving home, especially if they have been feral in the past, homeless, or come from an abusive background.

      1. TechWorker*

        I think indoors only vs outdoors depends on the cat and how much time you’re going to have to interact with them.

        If a cats been with a previous owner who let them outside, has a lot of energy, and/or the inside environment is not that big or that varied then indoor only likely isn’t the right answer. (Source: RSPCA although I admit to being biased because it seems so cruel to me to keep them inside if there’s not an illness or disability related reason to do so. I’m aware people living in flats or by really busy roads have less choice!)

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          House cats are ferocious predators of birds, and not just ground-nesting birds. My friend’s rescue cat was trapped after being spotted catching a songbird in flight SIX FEET in the air. In a bird sanctuary. He’s never been outside since and is a sociable guy.

          1. Grace*

            The RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Birds) actually say that, at least in the UK, cats aren’t responsible for the decline in birds – habitat loss is. Their take is that unless you live in a protected habitat (wetlands or moorlands, generally), the birds caught by cats tend to be those who are already sick or injured in someway and will soon die anyway with or without the involvement of a cat.

    8. Foreign Octopus*

      Here are the things I did when I adopted my cat:

      1. Cat carrier
      2, Litter box and food bowls
      3. A week’s supply of food, both wet and dry. If you’re adopting, check with the shelter to see what they are already eating as a change in diet can be a bit shocking to the system.
      4. A small, dark space they can hide in for the first few days as they get used to the new environment. My cat used by desk drawer but a cardboard box also works.
      5. A soft toy that they can curl around if they want.
      6. A feather on a string.
      7. Scratching post

      Most importantly of all though, check out local vets near you. I royally forked up with my cat by not taking her to the vet’s for six whole months after I adopted her, trusting the shelter that everything was fine. Even if everything looks fine, take them to the vet before you take them home. Get a vet to do a complete MOT – teeth, weight, eyes, cut the nails, maybe give ’em a wash – so that you can be aware of any health problems before they escalate.

    9. Marion Ravenwood*

      Former (and hopefully future) cat owner here! My suggestions:

      – Depending whether the room you’re keeping them in initially has something soft for them to sleep on/in, I would not buy cat beds to start off with. My two slept in theirs for one particularly cold winter (they were the cocoon, fleece-lined type) and then basically ignored them for the next three and a half years.
      – Get one more litter box than you think you’ll need.
      – Dollar store/pound shop for toys. Mine loved balls, wind up mice, and string/feather toys.
      – Scratch mats or post
      – Small brush (I really like the Furminator). Try to brush them regularly, possibly with bribery in the form of treats, so they get used to it
      – Regular worming/flea treatment if they’re going outside
      – Cat carrier

      But as everyone else has said, love and affection are the most important things :) Good luck and enjoy your new kitty!

  84. Teapot Translator*

    I need recommendations for fun actiony movies, preferably not macho (or not too macho) and that don’t take themselves too seriously. Movies that take themselves too seriously tend to be all about men and their big muscles and big guns.
    As a reference, I like White House Down and the Hitman’s Bodyguard. I do not like zombie movies or horror movies. I’m watching Smokin Aces right now. I am hating it., but I’m bored so I’ll finish it.

    1. Sunset Maple*

      The Other Guys
      Spy
      Hancock
      Charlie’s Angels (the Barrymore reboots, haven’t seen the Stewart reboot)
      Men in Black
      Gerard Butler’s Fallen series
      Salt
      Wanted
      Red Eye (Rachel McAdams kicking ass!)
      Widows
      D.E.B.S.
      American Ultra
      Brandon Frasier’s Mummy series
      Columbiana
      Kick-Ass 1 & 2
      Edge of Tomorrow

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks. I’ve seen some of these (some I liked, some I didn’t). I’m going to try The Other Guys even though I find Mark Wahlberg annoying.

    2. Jedi Squirrel*

      Big Game was pretty good. Samuel L. Jackson played the exact type of role he usually does.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          FWIW, the actor who played the little kid (Onni Tommila) was also in a Finnish Christmas movie whose name translates as Rare Exports. I saw that on Hulu, and man that is a bizarre Santa movie.

    3. Fikly*

      It is driving me nuts that I cannot think of this movie! To google!

      Ah, how did I forget that? Have you seen The Fifth Element? It’s kind of perfection within its subgenre.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        It was not fun at all. Basically, all characters were over the top and annoying. Ugh. Thumbs down, Netflix, thumbs now.
        I watched The Fifth Element years ago. Maybe I should rewatch it. I did watch Red and Red 2 when it was on Netflix Canada. I loved Mary-Louise Parker’s enthousiasm.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Aw, I love that one precisely because it is so excessively OTT. It veers into Rocky Horror territory.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Both of the Jumanji movies with Dwayne Johnson were SO much better than they had any business being – Jack Black (in the first one) and Awkwafina (in the second one) blew me away.

      The RED movies maybe? They’re mostly guys, but Helen Mirren kicks some solid ass, and the guys are all senior citizens.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I liked the RED movies! Helen Mirren and Mary-Louise Parker. (heart)
        I’m waiting for the second Jumanji to be on Netflix Canada.
        Speaking of Jack Black, I recently rewatched the first two Panda movies.

      2. TechWorker*

        I came here to recommend Jumanji, I enjoyed them a lot and they definitely don’t take themselves seriously!

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Miss Congeniality!
        I love Heat (I want more action movies with Melissa McCarthy, you hear me, universe?) but I think I’ll go for Miss Congeniality for today.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn
      Alita: Battle Angel
      Bumblebee
      Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse
      Ghostbusters (2016 version)

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse was PHENOMENAL. As a biracial kid growing up loving comic books who never saw anyone like me in any media, this movie has such a special place in my heart, even though it didn’t come out until I was pretty adulty. (Same with Coco, which is not Teapot Translator was looking for, but is similarly phenomenal.

        Representation matters.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I’m pretty “meh” about most superhero movies, but even I enjoyed the heck out of Into the Spiderverse. Really clever & well written.

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      This is a fun movie with a hint of action that I watched recently: Tag. It’s not action/adventure but there’s a lot of physicality in it, and I laughed out loud at a lot of points.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, yeah – the “not taking itself too seriously,” for sure.

        Definitely on the bloodier side, tho. Michael Bay very much doing his thing. If you like Michael Bay movies, you’ll like it. And if you don’t, you won’t.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I tried to watch 6 Undergrounds. I could not get past the car chase at the beginning. So I think Michael Bay movies are not for me.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Big Trouble in Little China.
      Avatar (the planet, not the airbender)

    13. Tessera Member 042*

      Hot Fuzz
      Kingsman: The Secret Service & Kingsman: The Golden Circle
      seconding that the new Jumanji movies are more enjoyable than I expected

  85. Cat Carrier*

    Cat owners, I need to buy a new carrier. Any thoughts on soft vs. hard, brands, features?

    I have a 7-pound tuxie, a 20-pound Maine Coon, and various sizes of fosters depending on the month. The Main Coon panic pukes, so anything easily cleaned would be aces.

    (Feel free to just list product name and purchase place, so Alison doesn’t drown in URLs to approve.)

    1. pancakes*

      My cat is 9 lbs. so I’m not sure it’s suitable for a Maine Coon, but I have a Kurgo soft carrier that has help up well for a couple years. She’s never been on a plane but it’s been great for car trips.

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      I also buy the hard sided Pet Taxis, in various sizes. One of mine is a puker too and they are super easy to wipe down. A little clunky to store, though. We’ve used them for years!

    3. Fikly*

      My preference for hard versus soft depends on where I’m living, which is to say, if I’m going to be carrying my cat while walking a decent distance, soft with a good sized strap is vastly more comfortable for me.

      If it’s majority car or other kind of transit, I prefer hard, as I find it easier to get reluctant cats into them.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      When I had a Maine Coon, I had one of the big hard-sided ones that opened on multiple sides. (The ones we have now are AmazonBasics brand, but our current cats are about half his size.) Bonus points if you can find one that disassembles easily, either for storage or because the cat doesn’t want to come out of it at the vet. (One of my husband’s beasties has never had a vet examination where she wasn’t either still in the carrier, or had been bodily hauled out and was hiding in my lap. She is a wee scaredychicken.)

      1. Tmarie*

        I just took my scaredy cat 14 lb orange girl to the vet last week. He is SO gentle with the kitties. We have a hard sided fairly large cat carrier, and he ever so gently tilts it up so they just don’t have a choice but to come out of the carrier.

  86. Kuododi*

    Well I was supposed to get the procedure done to remove stones from my left kidney as of Thursday the 7th. Needless to say, getting me scheduled to get my Covid test done in time for the procedure turned into a collection of small screw ups leading to a big scheduling debacle… (More procedural problems than I can unpack on an AAM message space. )

    Well after a ridiculous amount of phone calls (and more than one temper Tantrum,) I now have my appointment on 5/14/2020. At this point I am much more hostile than anything anxious/panicky about the pending surgery. (Hostile because of the multiple problems getting my Covid test scheduled promptly w

    1. Kuododi*

      Frankly I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, which would tell me the procedure will be postponed indefinitely. I know I’m borrowing trouble. As I write more about this I’m realizing there’s more anxiety in my words rather than simply being hostile over the recent screwups getting all the testing and appointments set. Thanks y’all for the support and prayers. Blessings Kuododi

    2. Reba*

      Everything that is already stressful about medical stuff is just being amplified by pandemic stuff… I have family members going through hospitalization and moving into different after care facilities right now. The left had knoweth not what the right hand doeth.

      Good luck Kuododi and I hope you get some relief from your procedure.

  87. not so happy Mothers day*

    Why does she have to ruin everything? And why am I being so stubborn? 

    Mother’s day is tomorrow NOT TODAY. 

    My sibling sent flowers and they were delivered today. All our relatives across the world are celebrating it today (as they are 12 hours ahead so it’s already tomorrow there naturally). 

    So now? she yells at me for not remembering mothers day.. I bought a gift a month ago and it’s ready to go. I was planning on giving it tomorrow.  But no she yells at me that I forgot. I want to hit my head against the wall dealing with her. 

    She always does this where she always demands things before we even have a chance to give it. I used to give her money out of my paycheck. Each morning she would say “you didnt’ give me any money when are you going to give it?” LET ME GO TO WORK FIRST AND GO TO THE BANK!!!!!!!!!!! Since COVID, any money sent to her account she wants it RIGHT NOW and yet if we leave hte house she gets upset if we go out. 

    I have no one to talk to about it as my sibling never wants to listen to my side of things. 

    1. Rebecca*

      I’m sorry you’re subjected to this. Honestly, if it were me, I’d mail the gift, stop giving her any money, and block her phone calls. Let your sibling deal with her. Aside, I did not get my mother anything for mother’s day, not even a card, because every single card is about loving, caring, you’re a good mom and friend, etc. None of those things apply in my case. Nothing I do is ever right, or good enough, and she lets me know it. When I read your post, I shook my head, and thought – huh – that could be my mother, except I’m an only child.

    2. Insurance mom*

      You have my sympathy. Sounds like you need some distance/disengagement. Now is not a good time but give yourself a break . you haven’t done anything wrong

    3. Reba*

      Do you live with your mother? Good gracious.

      She sounds awful and you’re probably being stubborn because you have a little flame of self-respect inside that knows you are being treated so unfairly and wants to fight that.

      There are a lot of smart people on the internet, including on this forum, who have written about having difficult relationships with their parent. I hope you can find some words that help.

      1. Sounds so familiar*

        Yes, to the “little flame of self respect.” You’d think having a sibling would be helpful, but a parent like yours often engineers a divide-and-conquer mindset. This can be a lifelong one of you is the good child and other is bad, or the tables can turn depending on well, just about anything — your mom is bored and wants to stir things up, what she can get now from the former bad child is more important, neither child is giving her what she wants, a whim, or . . . It’s unfortunate you don’t at least have your sibling’s support, but if you drop your end of the rope, those two only have each other left, and it’s just a matter of time before that turns ugly, so maybe try taking a break from both, if you can. Therapy is so helpful to see how our familial roles operate and how we can set boundaries that work for us. Don’t be surprised if your sibling eventually comes around; then it’s on you to choose to be helpful/supportive or not.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You are being stubborn because you don’t want to drown but dealing with her is like slowly drowning?

      The fight to survive takes on all kinds of costumes. Here you have a mother with no gratitude and a sibling with no empathy. This is kind of like drowning.
      It might be helpful to decide that no matter what you do your mother will not be pleased. Forget looking for her to be pleased, she has decided to be UNpleased about everything.

      So this boils down to giving her the obligatory present on the obligatorily day. Give it to her tomorrow and tell her that she gets her present ON the actual day. Your satisfaction comes from inside, where you know you tried to do the right thing.

      Do you live with her? If yes, are you able to consider moving out any time soon?

    5. fposte*

      Oh, you are such a thoughtful giver! You give your mother the present of your gift and paycheck contributions *and* the opportunity to be indignant and blamey! And the second may be even more rewarding for her than the first.

      So one possibility is just naming this phenomenon. “Mom, it seems like you *want* to get mad about this no matter what I do. What’s up with that?” A followup could be the reminder “But you could choose not to get mad, and you choose to get mad. Why that choice?” or a question “It seems like you’re mad because you feel the world doesn’t give you enough. What would ‘enough’ be?” You can do callbacks to that conversation when it happens again. “Mom, you’re doing that preemptively mad thing again. What are you really looking for here?”

      Another possibility is realizing that the cozy familiarity of preemptive anger is reassuring to her and that it’s not likely you’ll be able to change that habit–so quit trying. You can privately turn it into a wry joke (“Oh, I had 2 pm for the complaint call but she made it to 3”), give stuff to her whenever it’s convenient for you since you’ll get yelled at anyway, or say “Wow, Mom, it seems like you’re never happy with anything I give you, so let’s stick to phone calls” and stick to calls and not gifts.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Good Lord fposte, this is so exactly right for a couple of relationship dynamics in my life. And uncomfortably I recognize myself sometimes too, especially in this tense, weird season. Thanks for a bit of clarity.

        1. fposte*

          I dabble in this one myself and had a parent of similar inclination. It can be a hard habit to break and a really startling thing to realize is just a habit, not a requirement.

      2. TL -*

        One of my old roommates and I both had dads that really went hard on the housekeeping criticisms. When her (otherwise really lovely) dad visited, she spent a week cleaning and still got a few comments on the apartment not being clean enough (in an otherwise really lovely visit.)

        I cleaned up the day before my parents’ visit and got the expected “you live in a frat house pigsty” comment. Our place was clean and neat, but I knew that no amount of cleaning was going to prevent comments on how messy my place was, so I cleaned up the amount that was reasonable and didn’t stress about it.

    6. My Brain Is Exploding*

      So I am mostly out of words for today but…that sucks. Doubt she’ll change; it isn’t you. Sending good thoughts to you.

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      So I am mostly out of words for today but…that sucks. Doubt she’ll change; it isn’t you. Sending good thoughts to you.

    8. Thankful for AAM*

      This is why I don’t really talk to or interact with my mom and she is not as bad as what you describe.
      I once said to a coworker, you have permission to not care and to let your mom and the drama go. She was so thankful. You can also let her go.
      Its her monkeys and her circus, I’m not going to it.

      1. D3*

        Same. Letting go of the relationship was the best move for me. It’s been years, no regrets.
        (Cue the comments about how horrified people are that someone could cut off their mom, about how you can’t imagine not having your mom in your life, and about how I’ll regret this when she’s dead.)
        (Or maybe, just skip it if you’re tempted to post that.)

    9. Katia*

      Hi! Im in a similar situation to yours, and I dont have enough words to recomend Captain Awkward’s blog. She has written lots of practical advice for this kind of relationships, including scripts you can use.
      Hope it helps, and your pain eases soon

    10. Might be Spam*

      Sounds like my family. I’ve always been the responsible one. My mom went to rehab after surgery and things with my mom and sisters were so bad that my mom’s social worker told me that I should step back and let my sisters do the work.

      The social worker came right out and said that if my sisters didn’t want to help her, it was her problem mot mine. That blew me away. I finally ended up blocking all of my sisters. So far I haven’t blocked mom, but I’m not ruling it out. What a relief to have someone outside the family recognize the truth.

      “Going above and beyond for an extended period of time does not end well for the caregiver.” (direct quote from my ex’s psychiatrist basically telling me to get a divorce.)

      Good luck. You deserve better. Take care of yourself first, because your mom isn’t going to.

      1. Sounds so familiar*

        I found that when my parent was in hospital for alcohol-related serious problems, the social worker was really there for the family, even more so than the patient. He straight-out asked what about my parent made his children feel so obligated to help, in light of the issues that landed them in hospital. It was like a light going on: the familial obligation was drilled into us, nevermind the crazy surrounding it all. Made it easier in the moment to let some things go, and upon reflection later to let even more go without feeling bad. A gift.

        1. Might be Spam*

          Yes, a gift. It was the first time anyone ever said that it wasn’t my job and I didn’t have to feel guilty.

    11. New Normal*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through that and can sympathize a little too well. It sounds like you’re the scapegoat. Were you to give her the moon and stars she’d complain about the light.

      Best advice I can think of is to just drop your end of the rope. She’s going to complain and demand. She’s done it all her life and now it’s probably as much of who she is as anything else. So accept that. Which doesn’t mean accepting that behavior. Now that you know she’ll complain and demand, you get to decide how you’ll respond and if you’ll deal with it or disengage. And if you can’t disengage right now you can start making plans on how you can.

      I’m sorry it’s come to this. You sound like a lovely, thoughtful, giving person who got stuck with a black hole of need.

  88. Can I get a Wahoo?*

    Any Frightened Rabbit fans feeling it today? I’ve the Oil Slick and Still Want to Be Here on repeat all quarantine, and Grant’s post on Instagram this morning wrecked me. Still, I’m doing okay.

    We’ve still got home so I think we’ll be fine <3

  89. nep*

    Stop me if this has been in a recent thread. How many loved the viewmaster? That was one of my favorite things as a kid. I was thrilled to find one last year for my then five-year-old grandniece. Those things are so great.

    3. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Me, too! I loved the reels that showed European touristy things. Town squares, museums, famous buildings.

    4. Bluebell*

      I loved our view master. So fun! Can’t remember my favorite set of disks but remember clicking through and marveling at the 3D effect.

  90. Force of Nature*

    I am curious whether anyone has an opinion on the Force of Nature machine that (allegedly) creates a sprayable sanitizer solution from water, salt and vinegar (electrolized water?). I didn’t include a link, but it’s easily google-able.
    The machine is pricey, so that’s a consideration, and you buy the salt/vinegar solution to add to your tap water, so there’s a price for that. I’m not a germaphobe, well maybe I sometimes am, but the current situation has me feeling anxious more often than not over things that would not have bothered me previously. I just can’t evaluate for myself if this is something that is effective and would make it so I wouldn’t have to think about purchasing Lysol, or the like. Thoughts, especially if you’re at all science-minded?

    1. Coffee Bean*

      So all the machine does is turn your tap water into hypochlorous acid, which is a mild disinfectant. It’s not going to be any more effective than standard household cleaners – doesn’t seem worth the price.

    2. Clementine*

      I have yet to read of any vinegar solution that is helpful against the virus. People have been told to stop cleaning with vinegar in favor of real disinfectants. Is there something special somehow about this combination?

      1. Force of Nature*

        The machine creates hypochlorus acid, which is a disinfectant. I had an experience sorting thru the various websites and information, and I think Coffee Bean is correct, that it’s a weaker disinfectant, especially as compared to say, bleach. So it’s safer than bleach, but that’s small comfort if it doesn’t kill what you need it to.

        1. Natalie*

          Is household bleach notably unsafe? As long as you don’t drink it undiluted from the bottle I’m having a hard time coming up with any real risks. At the levels it’s diluted for disinfecting it would be even less risky.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            It can be tough on some pets, especially ones that Will Not Stay Away. Some people with respiratory issues find that it exacerbates their symptoms. And some people know that they are careless enough they will get bleach spots on their clothing.

      2. RagingADHD*

        The acid is produced by passing electical current through saltwater. Vinegar can be added to help the reaction, but it isn’t actually a component of the finished chemical.

    3. WS*

      It’s a mild disinfectant – it’s often used in restaurants because it will disinfect surfaces/dishes/utensils without leaving a potentially harmful cleaning residue if food is placed there, so I suspect with restaurants closed they’re trying to sell off the rest of their stock ASAP. There’s no reason to have one in your home.

    4. Rebecca*

      I’m very skeptical by nature, and even more so during a pandemic where people will do anything to make money preying on fears. There’s nothing wrong with a properly mixed bleach or lysol solution that is proven to kill bacteria and viruses. I know here in my area of PA, I’ve not been able to find lysol on the shelf for two months now. I try various dollar stores, Walmart, Grocery stores, nothing. Luckily I had some from before. I did find bleach finally so that’s awesome. I also have ammonia and some other things, so far, so good. And I learned that Clorox wipes don’t contain Clorox of all things!

      If it were me, I’d just mix up the appropriate amount of bleach or lysol per gallon of water, and use that. And I have to give this caveat – bleach does not play nice with other things, so be very careful about what you mix with it.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Original Pine Sol (not the alternate scents) is one of the approved disinfectants, too. I don’t see it every time I go, but often enough that I haven’t run out.

    5. StellaBella*

      I am a scientist, and have been one since 1993. Buy some varieties of good dish and hand soap and perhaps some wipes. Invest other money in things to make your household easier to clean maybe.

    6. Soap and water and common sense*

      It is listed on the EPA’s list of cleaners effective against SARS-CoV-2, for whatever that’s worth. But I’m not sure why it’s better to buy their salt/vinegar capsules, which presumably have a single supply chain since they’re proprietary, than to buy a gallon bottle of bleach, which has many manufacturers, and use that to make the appropriately dilute bleach solution. If you’re using the CDC’s recommended concentration, a gallon of bleach will make 48 gallons of disinfectant, which seems like enough to clean your house pretty thoroughly for awhile (mix only what you’ll need for the next 24 hours at one time, never mix bleach with any other cleaner).

      1. OP*

        I rarely buy disinfect-type products, although I do use bleach occasionally for laundry. I’ve generally always been happy with soap, water, and some scrubbing. I guess I was thinking if you could make your own disinfectant when needed, that would be helpful, especially since they can be hard to find in stores. And it claims to be safer to use than commercial disinfectants. But the science part wasn’t clear to me, whether they were making claims that weren’t true. So, thank you, everyone, for your thoughts! I do still have some bleach, so I can use that as needed, and just be careful around any fabrics.

    7. Parenthetically*

      I have one. I’ve liked it because I have small children and it doesn’t need to be rinsed and isn’t dangerous to use around them. It definitely does have some science behind it. The refills are cheap. My machine is currently non-functional — they’ve sent me a new charger bottle but it appears to be the base unit that’s malfunctioning. My one hesitation with it is that it really doesn’t seem to be very solidly made. I’ve gone through two sprayer bottles and now have a non-functioning base unit, and that doesn’t seem right for the amount I spent on it. The solution itself is good, but the equipment feels pretty cheap.

    8. Senior Montoya*

      Wash whatever (countertops, doorknobs, switch plates, etc) with soapy water — use a rag that you the chuck into the wash, or a sponge —, then spray w bleach water and let it air dry. Soap is very effective. Bleach is added sanitizer.

      You do not need anything special. A spray bottle for the bleach water is helpful.

      Google bleach water. It’s a pretty dilute solution, I’m just not remembering the ratio.

  91. D.W.*

    Upholstery Project!
    I have four dining chair pads that I would like to re-upholster. I have never done this before and do not have all of the tools to make this happen. It looks like I need the following:
    Staple gun; staple remover; foam; dust cover; fabric

    Ideally I would like this whole project to be done for no more than $100. Is that realistic? I’m in NJ and retail shops are closed due to COVID-19. I would assume the same for non-traditional retail shops as well. Can anyone recommend online stores where I can find tools and material that will fit within my budget?

    Thanks!

    1. WellRed*

      Joann fabric or similar will have all that stuff. I think $100 is doable but it may be a bit more, especially depending on the fabric you choose.

    2. Jdc*

      Lowe’s is still open for the staple gun. Ordering fabric online is a bit of a pain but I’m sure some exist. Or if your local Walmart still has a sewing department which some still do.

    3. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I found the foam to be the most expensive part – and also may be the most difficult. You can buy it online at JoAnnes – wait for a sale and coupon for the best price.
      If the foam on your chairs is still good, then you don’t have to replace it.
      There are standard sizes for foam – measure your chair and see if it matches a standard size. If not, you will need to cut the foam.
      An electric knife (like some people use to carve turkey) is the best for cutting the foam.

      1. Jedi Squirrel*

        If you download the JoAnn app and sign up for an account, they generally give you a coupon right off the bat.

    4. Anono-me*

      If you’re redoing the chair upholstery for aesthetic reasons only, you can leave the current upholstery on and go right over it. In which case you will probably not need a designated staple puller. You may be able to get by with a flat screwdriver and a small pliers, preferably a needle nose. (For removing mistakes.)

      Also, look to see how the chair seats are attached to the chair, it is probably a set of Phillips head screws, in which case you’ll want to Phillips head screwdriver. But if it’s something else you may need a specialty screwdriver

    5. Fikly*

      If these are chairs that you will be regularly using for sitting on, the fabric is not the place to cheap out – the thinner it is, the quicker it will wear through, and this can happen surprisingly fast, and then you’ll have to re-upholster again.

    6. D.W.*

      Thank you, everyone! My husband is giving two hours free from our daughter so I can peruse the home improvement stores and check wal-mart for fabric. For a novice like myself, I think looking and touching the fabric is going to be best. Once I’m familiar, online shopping may be more of an option.

    7. RC Rascal*

      I tried to do this myself and had an so great experience at it. For me it was harder than it looked and I am decently handy. I was trying to do it on the floor and that might have been part of the issue; it could have been easier with a work table.

      I did one myself and it was so difficult I took the materials and other 3 chairs to a local workman to finish for me.

  92. TPS reporter*

    Movie recommendation that has a work and feminist theme: Support the Girls on Hulu. About many things including middle managemt, getting emotionally invested in your employees, work life balance, still very real workplace patriarchy, and being down and out in this economy . It sounds depressing but was mostly funny and touching

  93. Sleepless*

    Whoever recommended Backintelligence DOT com last week, a million thank yous. This is going to change my life. Not even kidding.

  94. Paralegal Part Deux*

    I just want to thank y’all for giving me great advice on what to do after my cat Sassy died last month. I’ve taken several pieces of the advice, and it’s helped (especially getting a furry animal to pet for now until I get a new ragdoll kitty sometime towards the end of this year or the first of next year.) I’ve quit crying every night which I think is a major step in the right direction to heal. I still find myself looking for her at random times like when I go by my bedroom door to see if she’s on the end of the bed or when I’m getting ready for bed. After 16 years, it’s a hard habit to break.

    Thanks again for everything. Your kindness meant the world to me.

  95. Pennalynn Lott*

    My ex-BF *finally* began his move-out process in earnest today! He has until the end of the month to get fully moved out and he honestly thought he could get it all done today, even though he started packing at 9:30 this morning and had to pick up the U-Haul van at 11:00. (“I don’t have that many things.”)

    Y’all.

    He has lived with me for 17 years. He has That Many Things.

    This complete disconnect with reality is just one of the many reasons we’re no longer a couple.

    In other news, since I don’t watch much TV (and he does), I’m getting rid of cable at the same time I’m getting rid of him. So today I installed my HDTV antenna, wifi DVR, and Rokus for me and my mom. It was a royal PITA, especially trying to find the right place for the antenna but I did it!

    And tomorrow I’ll fire up my brand-new, battery-powered lawn mower and get my lawn mowed by myself. For 17 years, ex-BF and I have had a temperamental gas-powered mower, and either he’d have to mow [and, wow, that was like pulling teeth] or he’d have to start the mower for me. I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to using a mower that just requires me to flip the on/off switch. :-)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have a vague memory of you talking about the situation with him? So I am thinking this is a good thing in your life?
      It sounds like you are taking some strong positive steps here, also. That is great! New chapter, new beginnings.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        I’ve definitely mentioned him and some of the trauma of my relationship with him here before. And, yes, it is a VERY good thing that he is finally moving out.

        Also, mowing my lawn with the new mower was actually fun! One of the things that I’ve always hated about mowing is stepping in dog poop and ruining shoes or having to figure out how to wash it out of the shoe tread without soaking the shoe. I overcame that problem today by designating a pair of hiking shoes I don’t particularly like as my “Sh*tty Mowing Shoes.” Sure enough, I got dog poop on one this morning, but I changed out of them on the back porch then wrapped each one individually in plastic grocery bags where they’ll stay until next weekend.

        P.S. Ex-BF is, as of a few minutes ago (5:00 PM on Sunday), only about halfway moved out. At least his bed is at his new place so he’s not sleeping under my roof anymore.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending you a high five. And, of course, you were right about how much stuff he had and how long this would take… but he’s “almost” gone.

      Happy for the mower success too!

  96. Aurora Leigh*

    I am getting married next Saturday! Not the way we planned things to go — but love wins! Coronavirus will not stop this wedding!

    7. Overeducated*

      Congratulations! I know it’s not the same as a big wedding, but I think this will be a beautiful memory and story in its own way when this is past. And a ray of joy now!

  97. Red Sunglasses*

    For folks who sell clothing, etc online- what website do you prefer to use? I’ve been using Poshmark but the 20% seller’s fee plus required $7 expedited shipping option isn’t great for sales. I was thinking of trying my luck on eBay as well. Has anyone tried Mercari?

    1. nep*

      I’ve been selling on Poshmark for a little over a year, and in recent months I listed a handful of things on Mercari just to try it out. I’ve sold some things on Mercari. I much prefer Poshmark for the simplicity the shipping process–all USPS, can use the free boxes and envelopes from USPS…
      I agree it’s super expensive…and who knows what will happen if USPS shipping costs go up as some are calling for.
      Others who’ve got more experience on eBay and/or Mercari will probably have more insights/tips.

  98. Elizabeth West*

    I spent all day making masks and I’m tired. My elastic is too wide and it is annoyingly tight so I’m going to have to just make ties because I can’t get any skinny elastic anywhere. I hate sewing so. so. much.

    1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I made my mask with a ribbon tie. Just one big piece that goes through both sides of the mask. I pull the middle of it over my head when I put the mask on, then tie a bow knot behind my head with the ends.

      It’s not any fancy ribbon, just the cheap narrow stuff from Walmart.

    2. Might be Spam*

      You might be able to cut the elastic lengthwise. I haven’t tried it myself, but it was suggested in the directions I found online.
      Another suggestion was to use t-shirt material cut in narrow pieces and stretched out to make ties. It doesn’t fray, so less sewing.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        You can cut the elastic if it’s ribbed (looks a bit like grosgrain going lengthwise down the elastic), but not if it’s knit.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I tried that already; it’s not that kind of elastic.

        I’ve got several pairs of worn out undies I can nick elastic from, but I also got some bias tape to make ties. Joann’s only had the 1/4″ elastic and only one roll, which they were doling out by the yard from behind the cutting counter. I think I need to make it longer, but it’s hard to tell and I hate wasting it. I already made some changes to this pattern. Potentially I could sew each end to the mask and just ignore the little tunnels.

        I did make a quick run to Lowe’s and found plastic-coated twist ties for nose wires, the kind you use to tie up plants. They’re green but who cares.

        Let me reiterate how much I hate sewing. Stupid stuff like this always happens. >:(

        1. Parenthetically*

          “Stupid stuff like this always happens”

          I’ve made half a dozen masks and haven’t gotten through a single one without a sewing machine cockup that took 15 minutes to figure out and address.. I love sewing if I can ever get into a groove, FFS. But this has just been one frustration after another. Solidarity.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            OMG EVERY TIME

            And you’d think it would be easier to sew with cotton. Hell, I’ve used stretch velvet for skating outfits, which is the most annoying fabric on the face of the Earth. But NO.

    3. LAMM*

      I prefer a tie mask over a ear loop one. Most of the people I work with (we do elective surgery) prefer tie masks too.

      1. blackcat*

        Yeah, ties are definitely better for any real length of time. I wear ones with elastic walking outside because I do pop it on and off (taking it off if the kid is running around in a field, for example), but I wear one with ties if I know I’ll be in the mask for more than 15 minutes straight.

      2. Jdc*

        I’m thinking of changing the masks my mom made me to tie masks. My ears hurt so bad that lying on them to sleep hurts and I don’t even wear it that much. Who knew I have an usually low amount of ear cartilage. The mask fits fine but the top of my ears have no rigidity. I tried a bigger one and it still does the same thing. Another weird head thing for me to go with my oddly small head that doesn’t fit glasses or hats.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        The one I made for Dad has elastic, but I might just put ties on the other one I’m sending him. Long ago, when he was in the Army, he was a medic in Colorado and worked in a TB ward, and the tie ones were all they had.

    4. New Normal*

      If you have any old tights, those make fantastic ear bands for masks. I cut one pair in .75” loops then snipped open the loops so I could thread them through the mask casings and tie them to the right length. They’re so much softer than elastic!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Here’s another way I screwed myself by moving: I had a whole bag full of old holey skating tights I’d saved to tie up tomato plants. When I moved, I got rid of them. >:(
        I’ll look in my drawer and see if I have a pair of tights with holes. But I’m pretty sure the only ones I saved were the good ones, in case I ever started skating again, or had a skate date, or whatever. There might be an old pair of pantyhose too.

        I might have some stuff in my craft boxes, but they’re in storage in my sibling’s basement, inaccessible at the moment. I got rid of so much, trying to save space. >:(

        TELL ME WHY I MOVED AGAIN???

        1. A Frayed Knot*

          I bought a roll of 1/2″ elastic from eBay. If there is a way for you to get me your address, I can mail you a yard or two. Masks should not be this stressful! (This offer is not open to the general public. I continue to make masks for local non-profits.)

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Thank you, but you’ve got more people to sew for. You need it!
            I’m only making some for us. I just deconstructed three pairs of underpants (clean!) while enjoying a previously taped Pink Floyd concert, so I can finish the ones I’ve got. :)

    5. A Frayed Knot*

      There are lots of options to help alleviate sore ears. If you wear a hat, sew a button on each side of the hat by your ears. Hook the elastic on the buttons instead of your ears. You can do the same with a headband – sew buttons on the headband. If you crochet, make a small strip with buttons on each end; the crocheted strip goes behind your head and the elastic loops hook on the buttons. Remember the game Barrel of Monkeys? I saw someone use a monkey instead of the crocheted strip! The elastic loops hook on the monkey’s arms! These are all over Facebook and the internet in general with patterns. Search for crochet ear savers, headband ear savers, etc.

    6. Anono-me*

      I’ve seen some really cool headbands to wear masks with. Basically it’s about it 2 inch wide headband that is about 80% Fabric and about 20% elastic. And just above and behind each ear is a big button for the straps on the mask to attach.

      I have also seen three or four inch wide and 1 in tall pieces of fabric with a button on each end that people wear behind their head and attach the mask straps to.

    7. Parenthetically*

      I’ve used bias tape, sewn down, for our mask ties, but a fabric designer I follow on instagram has been using strips of thick cotton jersey from her most recent fabric collection! When you cut jersey, you know how it sort of rolls? PERFECT for mask ties. I thought it was such a clever use of material.

  99. Pharmgirl*

    Does anyone have AcornTv? Any shows on there I should watch? I signed up for the free trial to watch the Miss Fisher movie, and thought I’d make use of it.

    1. ValaMalDoran*

      Yes! I love Acorn.

      -Queens of Mystery
      -Striking Out
      -Mr. & Mrs. Murder
      -Kingdom
      -Agatha Raisin (series 1 is the best, in my opinion. Series 2 feels uneven in tone, and I haven’t finished series 3. For both series 2 and 3, I felt some plot decisions were made arbitrarily to create conflict/drama, and not necessarily true to the characters. It was worse in series 3. Ahem. I’m not bitter or anything. But I love series 1.)

    2. Fikly*

      If you like music, there’s an amazing documentary called “Young, Gifted, and Classical” about Sheku Kanneh-Mason, who is a cellist who won an incredibly prestigious UK wide young musician competition at 17, and was the first black musician ever to do so. The documentary is about him and his whole family – all his siblings are very talented and musical as well.

    3. IntoTheSarchasm*

      My Life is Murder: Lucy Lawless, New Zealand, intriguing cases and fun characters.

    4. Max Kitty*

      If you’re a James Herriot fan, there’s a series called Yorkshire Vet, about the vets who now run what used to be Herriot’s practice.

    5. Bounce*

      I just signed up for Acorn so I could rewatch Foyle’s War. Endeavor has been recommended, too.

    6. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I am in the UK but flicked through the website to see if there’s anything I think you’d like.

      Definitely +1 for Foyle’s War (and there’s a few post war too) and Endeavour.

      Bletchley Circle is fantastic crime/whodunnit drama with an unashamed female focus. Highly recommend.

      Indian Summers is glorious but social history rather than mysteries.

    8. Virtual Light*

      The Hour!

      Set in the 1950’s about a BBC news show and the stories they investigate as television develops. Mysteries! Suspense! Drama! History! and CLOTHES to die for, especially on Romola Garai. I love her character because she works really hard AND gets the respect she’s due from the people around her, which was really refreshing. Peter Capaldi and Ben Whishaw also star. Only 12 episodes total, I rationed them out.

  100. Anonymess*

    Aargh! I had a mild cold (maybe?) and have been self-quarantining for two weeks just in case, but still feel slightly off. I’ve been having some mild symptoms and it’s allergy season… hard to tell what’s what.

    I have a very faint tightness in my chest that feels like the end of a cold. It could be allergies, but the only allergy trigger I have where that happens is when I smell marijuana smoke or on someone’s clothes. I haven’t smelled any recently. It can also make me lose my appetite, which has happened a few times recently, too.

    Then, I went to pick up a package the other day and a package for my neighbor was stacked on top of it… from a cbd company.

    I don’t know what they ordered and if is is something they are burning/smoking or cooking with, but I have smelled some odd cooking smells recently coming from their apartment. Smoking is not permitted in or outside our building.

    That might explain why I’m having symptoms, I haven’t been around cbd much so I don’t know what it smells like. I’ve had watery eyes being in the same room with people who use cbd creams, but they kinda smell like Vicks vaporub or icy hot, and could be an additive.

    I would normally talk to my neighbor but don’t think knocking on their door during social distancing is a good idea, and don’t know how to even start this awkward conversation. This sucks. :(

    1. Courageous cat*

      No one smokes or cooks with cbd oil as far as I know. I doubt that’s the root of it.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Maybe they’re using a diffuser?

        Or, and the plural of anecdote isn’t data, but my marijuana allergy worsened when I was just sitting next to someone in my class that smoked marijuana regularly. Marijuana allergy seems to be one of those ones that’s similar to poison ivy allergy, where sensitization happens pretty easily, especially if you’ve got certain allergies already (nightshades are one- I know that because I’m also allergic to those).

      2. Anonymess*

        I looked up the company the package was from and they sell cbd “joints” that supposedly don’t smell as bad. I’ve also noticed my neighbor seems to bake brownies frequently, so wondering if they are cbd. Though again, I don’t know what they actually ordered. I was surprised to see that they make smokeable kind.

  101. Lonely Aussie*

    I just cut my grandmother off. This wasn’t the day (mothers day) I wanted to do this but after yet another scathing text from her, I was done. From her I’m-never-wrong-never-going-to-apologize-boundry-stomping perspective this has come out of the blue. From mine, it’s been two years of gradually trying to cut contact with someone who uses her in-laws funerals to force contact with other family members who have gone no contact because they can’t make a scene, tries to force the disclosure of medical information because she believes “the truth is better out there” and who refuses to admit she’s wrong or apologize for anything. Any gifts (which is what this latest text exchange started over) are used as form of control or look how nice she is.
    I probably should have given her more context for the cutting off but she’s never going to understand or see that she’s in the wrong, she’s always the victim.

    1. Square Root of Minus One*

      I’m sorry you have a parent like that, but kudos for making the right move. I hope you’ll deal well and can keep it.
      I’m on a break with my father. He’s never wrong either, and doesn’t apologize either. Whenever conflict erupts, the standard rule is to brood and sulk for a while (although putting other family members in the middle with badmouthing is bonus points), and then resume the relationship as if nothing had happened. No reflection. Last time, about three weeks ago, he called me a horrible person because I didn’t give the expected answer to what I thought was an honest question. My mistake.
      It’s a huge weight on my heart every day, I feel incredibly bad, but seriously… his way of seeing things, his narrow understanding of emotions, this lifelong emotional debt for everything (helping me with moving is gonna be held over my head a looooong time even though I didn’t ask him), it’s been stressing me out as far as I can remember.
      I still remember him yelling at me for losing a lens protection for binoculars while he was on a visit (I grew up with my mom, he visited a few times a year) and still going to kiss me goodbye the next morning before leaving. I think I pretended to be still asleep. It was almost 25 years ago.

      1. Lonely Aussie*

        I’m sorry you have had to deal with that as well, he sounds horrible to deal with. It’s exhausting and distressing.
        Oh yes, the badmouthing, I’d imagine every family member still on speaking terms with her is going to hear what a horrible person I am in the next few days. Well, I guess I’ve given her the opportunity to get all the sympathy in the world from them and play the poor, old frail grandmother who’s done nothing wrong.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Annnd there will be some quiet ones who DO understand what you did and why you did it.

          I have been that person who stayed with the alienated family member. I can tell you first hand, just because I stayed with the Alienated One did not mean I agreed with what the Alienated One had done. I felt I was in a position to say or do something to help bring peace into the situation. And in some instances I did, but too few instances and too far apart.
          Then one day a Big Event happened in our personal lives. And for some reason, I just decided, “I am done here.” I could not do any more. And like you show here, I came to that cold, hard stop.

          We all have our limits. Keep in mind that others are listening to how she talks about you. Some of the others are saying, “This is how she will talk about ME, also.” And they are processing this idea. All this processing stuff takes time. Additionally, some times reality becomes clearer for others when we step to one side. We have to get out of the way so others can see better. So that is another unforeseen factor.

          In the big picture we have to let people have their learning experiences. But we have our own learning experiences at the same time. I feel that I can better identify some pitfalls and avoid them or use a different response when I see those pitfalls. I think this is MY own learning experience that I have to “let go” when situations call for it. If I keep hanging on, I end up hurt by it. You have probably made a wise choice here. Fall out does not last, people begin to see through the situation and some will eventually come around.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I had to go no-contact with a family member some years ago. (We did re-establish a kind of contact before their death.) I had spent months asking them to alter how they interacted with me, and I’d said repeatedly that for both of our sakes I would have to end or limit contact if they chose not to do that.

      When I finally sent the email saying that I was blocking them, I got one email back just as I was setting up the block and auto-response. I didn’t read the whole email, but the first line was “I have no idea what prompted this outburst.”

    4. Paralegal Part Deux*

      So sorry you had to do that. My mom did that with her mom and sister (and I did as well), because we were tired of the constant backstabbing and whatnot. The final straw with my grandmother was when she hit me in the face with a hairbrush, and I hit her back. With my aunt, she but dialed my my mom from her boyfriend’s car (and she was, and still is, married). She got mad and pitched a hissy fit, and I don’t know what she said to my mother, but she threatened to call my job and cause all kinds of trouble. I haven’t talked to her since, and it’s been nice and quiet.

      It’s hard to cut toxic people out of your life, but after a while, it’s amazing how quiet life can be and not as exhausting when you don’t have to worry about dealing with them constantly.

  102. aarti*

    Y’all, yesterday was a day and half. Husband has a work call at 11am. At 10am, he comes to the kitchen where I’m cleaning up from breakfast, getting kid settled with school work etc. He announces that he’s finally going to fix the broken shelf in our kitchen cabinet that we’ve both been bitching about for weeks. I ask him to please do it later, I know it’s going to take him longer than 10 minutes (his project time estimate) and it’s going to leave a mess. He says don’t worry it will be fine. Flashforward to 10.55am, Husband has just finished fixing the cabinet and is running into the office to make his call. I now have to clear up the kitchen counter so neither kid nor cat get into the mess. My 1 hour of me-time while kid is Skyping with Grandma and husband is working is shot to hell.

    Later Husband and I talk it out. He sees it as a success-the shelf was fixed. I don’t see it as one-it took five times as long as he thought it would, he created a mess for me to clean up and he didn’t listen to me when I told him these things were going to happen. Like, it’s nice the shelf is fixed. But why couldn’t he have waited? Then Husband’s feelings get hurt because I’m not appropriately grateful for the shelf-fixing and I do feel a bit of an arsehole, because I’m complaining about Husband fixing things in our house!

    Sigh.

    1. Square Root of Minus One*

      Is he grateful for your “cleaning up from breakfast, getting kid settled with school work etc.”, or whatever else you do that only leaves you one hour of you-time ?
      I would like to say this is an honest question and there’s no snark intended, but really… I’d be lying.
      Take care of yourself.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Can you turn it into a general discussion about planning windows of time for projects?

      I am thinking of the parallel of budgeting money. Instead of budgeting money, you’d be talking about budgeting time. You know at what points during the day you need which rooms in the house. And let’s face it, the stuff that goes on in the kitchen/laundry room IS a family necessity. It has to happen. Meals HAVE to happen, so do clean clothes. (There are other examples, of course.) Perhaps you can talk about time frames where you’d be less likely to be using that space.

      For you, privately, I’d say please consider this as a discussion on how to budget time for the availability of a particular room. I had someone help me with my house for 2.5 years. Yeah, we got on each others nerves a little bit here and there. Discussing time framing in advance was very helpful. We could plot out the times when we would be least likely to get in each others’ way. In your setting here, the time frame for the project was Not Good. He could have chosen another time window OR moved to a different day if he did not have any other time slots for that day.

      Also running here is the ability to estimate time. There are rules of thumb that can be created and used. I usually double my initial time estimate for my own projects. But it could be that he needs to go 3 or 4 times his time estimates. Several dear people in my life have NO ability to estimate time, AT ALL. And it causes a lot of problems. I started talking with them about using multipliers to arrive at a more realistic time estimate. We CAN teach ourselves how to estimate better by making note of start and finish times on our own. So we CAN train ourselves to estimate more accurately. (Sorry. I ramble. It’s a pet peeve of mine. I would much rather hear that something will take two hours and then later find out it took 45 minutes. I prefer an overestimate rather than an underestimate.)

      But yeah, someone messes with my down time, I am Not Happy At All. I get it.

      1. Virtual Light*

        This… is mind-blowing to me. I have Magical Thinking about time and am always worrying about how long something unpleasant will take (read: it then takes forever because I never want to start). Doubling my estimate so that I am more likely to be ahead instead of behind when I finish? This is genius. Thank you.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Unpleasant tasks are the worst. Yep, double your time estimate and watch how long it takes you from start to finish.

          Also as you do the unpleasant task think about ways of making it easier. Get all neutral and super-analytical. I hope you laugh- I use this approach with stuff at work and at home. Sometimes I notice something that I can change and I end up saying to myself, “Why didn’t I think of this easier method 15 years ago?” haha. Part of the reason I didn’t think of it is that I get too immersed in the hatred of the task and I don’t stop to see what I can do to lighten the load.

          In other instances I will sometimes buy a cool item to help lighten the task. Recently, I got rid of my old weed whacker. I hated it for reasons numbers 1 through 12. I bought a new one that just makes so much more sense for my needs and my stage in life. Now, I love to get out there and knock down those weeds, the yard looks so much better.

          It’s worthwhile to take the worst tasks and look for new methods or new tools to help get ourselves through the task. Especially tasks like weed whacking that have to be done on a fairly regular basis.

    3. Washi*

      Have you tried, as an exercise, each person re-stating/roleplaying the other person’s point of view? Like for your husband, you might say something like “I tackled a family project that needed to be done, and it took a little longer than I thought, but I still made it to my work call. I felt good at having accomplished something in a short amount of time and I was planning to clean up the mess later.” Basically you state what you think was going on in the other person’s head (even if you don’t agree) and then he would have a chance to correct you if necessary. Then he would try to see if he can voice your point of view, and you could correct him.

      I say this because I get the sense that it’s not just about the mess, it’s that you don’t feel like he listened to you in the moment or after. My husband and I have found articulating each other’s points of view to be really helpful in clarifying assumptions/underlying issues with stuff like this.

      And fwiw the situation sounds annoying and I am on your side :)

      1. WellRed*

        Washing, I think you hit in the real issue: she doesn’t feel listened to. In the post, she says “he didn’t listen to me.” Bet this happens frequently.

    4. Anono-me*

      You and he BOTH fixed the Shelf. You did half of the work, because he left it half finished. Part of doing any project, including DIY repairs around the house, includes the prep work and clean up afterwards.

      I see your frustration as being due to him only doing the cool half of the project and leaving the other/scutt work half for you at a time you would already told him would be inconvenient. (This was a 1 hour and 55 min team project, not a 10 min him project. 55 min from him and 1 hour from you. )

      In addition to your statement about not wanting to do the project then being ignored, it appears that your valid knowledge and knowledge based opinion was also ignored when you said it would take much longer to do the project. Which would significantly increase my level of upset frustration.

      I think if this is a pattern, it is definitely worth discussing. But it might be helpful to frame it as 2 issues, half done projects and not listening/respecting your opinion and time.

      Square root of -1 also has a point that everyone in a family showing appreciation of each other’s contributions is important.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        My mother always says, “Job’s not done until the mess is cleaned up and the tools are put away.”

    5. Analyst Editor*

      It’s good to not get angry, I totally understand you. This happens to me all the time.
      I haven’t found a way to convey that “doing a thing” also means “finishing and cleanup”. Probably best to raise it at a time when he is fed and not at a time of other argument. Sorry, still working on a solution to this myself, but you have commiseration :(

    6. Courageous cat*

      Sorry to him, but no, that’s just him steamrolling you and creating more unpaid labor for you. I hate when men do this.

    7. aarti*

      Thanks for all these responses! Some good suggestions about managing time like a budget. He’s big on budgets so that might even make an impact.

  103. Jules the First*

    I am unreasonably excited…after two years of back and forth on my health, I finally got the all clear from my doctors to start trying for a baby…and then the very next day we went on lockdown. All fertility treatments have been suspended since March, with no guidance on when they might restart. And then my fertility clinic messaged on Thursday to say that I should call on Monday to make an appointment for bloodwork and once we get the results of that we can sit down on a video call and update my treatment plan. It’s silly to get excited, because there are a whole pile of other things that will have to be done before we can actually get down to actual baby-making and all of those will have to wait until we’re allowed to see doctors for non-essential care so nothing meaningful is likely to happen much before July, but I am so excited that Project Tiny Human is finally, ever so gradually, a go!

    1. nep*

      Your excitement sounds pretty reasonable to me!
      Happy for you. It’s huge that the process can begin. Wishing you all the best.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      So happy for you! Hoping it all goes well and smoothly for you! <3

    3. Paralegal Part Deux*

      No, that’s totally a good reason to be excited! Wishing you all the best on your journey!

  104. coffee cup*

    Today I really miss my grandma. I miss her all the time but it’s low level these days because she died in 2011, so I mostly try not to think about it. But I was just thinking I was glad I didn’t have to worry about her with the COVID situation, on one hand, and then on the other I was sad she never got to see me in my current job, doing well, and also I just miss her. I know it’s been a while but I don’t think it’ll ever get easier deep down.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Aw, so very sorry for your loss.

      Yep. Grief never goes away totally. It changes shape/form but it stays with us. I think it is because we never stop loving the person. The love just goes on forever, and so therefore the grief goes on and on.

      I was glad my father wasn’t here to see the WTC. He would have been devastated. I would have had to go get him and make sure he wasn’t alone, his level of upset would have been that high. He loved NYC. I wouldn’t want him to suffer that level of upset.

      I’d like to think that your grandmother already know you’d get a good job and do well at it. She was probably one of your bigger fans. ;)
      Keep on feeling the feelings as they come up. I think it’s actually a form of respect for the person and for the life they live. In an odd way, we honor them by remembering them like this.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I often wonder how things would be if my dad were still here. Two and a half years on and I’m actually glad I don’t have to worry about him with COVID. He wasn’t the type who would stay home. But I’m sad that he’ll never get to meet his grandchild.

      So sorry for your loss, hope you do somethign that makes you feel better <3

  105. NowayMary*

    I’m sorry you’re having a tough time! This isn’t something that this forum is able to handle here, but there are people who are trained to help you. Please call the National Suicide Hotline today: 1-800-273-8255. They will help. – Alison

    1. Not So NewReader*

      “I have lost the ability to be insulted by critics.”

      Yep. Once you know that you know, what the critics say doesn’t matter.

      A friend was a big fan of TR. I remember at the time the running commentary was that each album was so very different from the previous album. He heard his own drummer (so to speak) and did not worry about what others thought.

  107. cheeseburger*

    You guys. This is so cliche but I bought myself a new vacuum for Mother’s Day. I don’t know what I have been doing my whole life, but the Dyson v11 animal is my fourth and favorite child. I spend my day gleefully vacuuming dirt out of rugs I had just vacuumed with my old vac. It’s light and bendy.

    Maybe I like it so much bc my old vacuum was a cheap canister that I’ve had for nearly a decade. Maybe there are cheaper models that perform equally well. I don’t know. But I have never been so happy to vacuum.

    1. Sleepless*

      I have a Dyson Animal that is 15 years old and still going strong. (that’s a common theme in my house-my husband made great money for about 5 years during the housing bubble and there are a number of nice things in my house that are about 15 years old…but I digress). Great choice!

      1. Anonyme*

        The battery on ours has died twice. I’ve already had to purchase a new one since it won’t hold a charge. How do you maintain yours?

    2. nep*

      This is by far one of my favourite posts ever.
      Enjoy. And I can relate. I’m going to have to look into that model.

    3. Jedi Squirrel*

      Oh goodness, a decent vacuum cleaner versus one that is terrible is the difference between night and day. I was finally tired of my old bag upright that I went to the store, found a bagless Bissell on clearance for $80 last year. Now, vacuuming is pleasant instead of a chore. No bells and whistles, but it does the trick.

      Congratulations to you! I hope C1-C3 don’t get too jealous!

    4. Housework*

      Ha! We were just talking about our Dyson vacuum cleaner yesterday. We have a Dyson v7 Animal and love it. The best part is the clear container where you can see all the dirt and dust you have vacuumed which is both oddly satisfying and horrifying at the same time….

      Enjoy your new vacuum!

    5. Elizabeth West*

      My mum has a stick Dyson downstairs, but I hate it. I’m a huge fan of Riccar vacuums. I bought one from a small dealer in OldCity in the late ’90s and it still works (it’s getting rather beat up, though). The demonstration was unbelievable — the guy dumped cornmeal on a carpet sample and the vacuum sucked it all up with NO blowback. The company has a smaller, lighter model than my big old heavy upright — I saw it in the store where I bought the sewing machine — and I want it. It’s very expensive. >_<

  108. cheeseburger*

    Last minute Mother’s Day advice: what is a good flower type plant(s) that can be purchased at a garden center today and would be good for container growing? Or do I get the planter + one of those premade arrangements ready to plop in the planter? Finally: cement vs ceramic vs wood vs terra cotta for planter? Am leaning Ceramic or terra cotta?

    My mom moved into a rental with a yard but we don’t know how long she’ll be there so I thought I’d buy her a planter and stuff to plant in it (or in the yard if she wants). She lives in Massachusetts if that matters product-wise.

    1. university minion*

      Gift card to garden center. It’s going to be incredibly picked over today. Get the gift card so she can come back once they’ve restocked.

    3. Anono-me*

      I would get a nice double Shepherd’s crook with two hanging baskets, 1 something low maintenance and pretty like impatience or petunias. And 1 a strawberry basket. (Also pretty and a nice little treat.) The hanging baskets and the shepherd’s crook will be much easier to move than a large heavy planter.

      Especially since your mother may be moving soon; If you do have your heart set on a ground planter, you might like some of the new manufactured material planters that look like ceramic or wood but are much lighter. Additionally you might find helpful some of the suggestions for filling the planter base with lightweight material such as empty water bottles.

      If the selection is very picked over, I would suggest getting a 3.5 inch early girl tomato plant ($2.50 aprox) and the gift card as Univ Minoin already suggested.

    4. IAmOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I prefer the plastic ones that are made to look like ceramic. Both ceramic and terra cotta need to be stored empty in a garage during the winter else the freezing soil can break them. Also, they are a lot lighter

      For plants, you want a mix of trailing , medium height and taller plants. Sweet potato vine, petunias, dahlias work well (I cant think of the names of the others that I use since I mainly pick them out by sight anyhow.)

    5. cheeseburger*

      I ended up with a smaller ceramic planter (she’ll be able to move it around) and a really cool looking geranium- I don’t know what it is other than not-your-standard-geranium. And a gift card.

      The center wasn’t picked over at all but I figured she may want something specific too. I thought about the shepherds crooks but wasn’t sure she could install where she lives.

  109. Washi*

    Runners! Is there an app you use to give you turn by turn directions? Google maps has been acting up lately and when I try to save a route, it doesn’t save the parts I’ve dragged and just gives me the quickest way between each of my stops. For my long runs (10+ miles, too long to memorize the route!) now that I can’t use trails and am just connecting a million little quiet roads, I really need something where I can create a route and then have the phone narrate the directions to me. Any suggestions?

      1. Washi*

        How do you get it to give you directions? I can see the route on the map, but there doesn’t seem to be a way to do like “start giving me directions.” Am I missing something?

    2. acmx*

      There’s a route builder in Strava that has cue sheets: “Cue sheets offer turn by turn directions. These are to be used as guides only.
      Route recommendations may be incomplete and/or inaccurate and may contain sections of private land and/or sections of terrain that could be challenging or hazardous. Always use your best judgement about the safety of road and trail conditions and follow traffic and property laws.”

      I’ve never used it as I’ve only been on Strava for a week.

      1. LGC*

        I’m most familiar with this – they actually let you open route maps on your phone! (Not sure if this is a feature open to everyone – I have Summit, their premium service.) But you…also have to actually look at the route maps.

        My dumb behind tried this a few weeks ago. Aside from learning a lot about the environs around the state park in the next county over, I also learned that I can’t read maps.

    3. LGC*

      I took a quick look and found an app called RunGo. I haven’t used it myself – although maybe I should!

  110. Pencil grip help*

    Has anyone successfully corrected their pencil grip as an adult?
    I use all 5 fingers to hold a pen; the index and middle fingers are on the top side of the pen while the ring and pinky finger are supporting the pen from underneath. (In fact, my pinky is under my ring finger and not directly on the pen.) Moreover, my middle finger is right at the tip of the pen and my thumb wraps over it. When I’m writing, the right side of my hand is resting on the paper and my wrist is stretched backwards so the back of my hand and my lower arm are in a 110 degree angle.
    I have a weak thumb because of a childhood condition so I do need to adapt any grip but my hand feels really tense after writing. I love writing by hand and take much better notes this way that on the computer so I’d like to make my grip into a more functional and efficient one. But where do I even start?

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      You can buy grip aids to go on your pen/pencil that should help with this. You can start with Amazon to either buy or get an idea of what you’re looking for and what might work best for you. The only difficulty might be in finding one that’s adult sized, but I’ve tried a few when my kid used them and most fit my hand.

    2. Auntie Social*

      Skytrendy and other have pen grips—the one I saw has two finger slots on either side of the pen/cil slot. Looks like a pannier skirt but it definitely changes your fingers’ positions. I was checking out arthritis pen grips to open up your grip and saw that and thought it was cool.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This may sound wacky, but try a calligraphy book aimed at beginners. Also look online for the historic ‘Palmer Method’ handwriting manual. It’s from the turn of the last century before typewriters took over, aimed at office workers who would be writing for hours at a stretch.
      My mother was born in the 1920s and was trained in this method. When she was severely arthritic in her 90s, she could still write clearly. It uses a lot of arm motion. I never got the hang of it myself, but I am trying some tricks from it to try and relax my cramped fingers.

  111. Anono-me*

    Does anyone have any good information about c-19 and public restroom hand air dryers? I’ve always thought they were kind of nasty, but now I’m more worried and hoping everywhere switches back to paper or roll towels.

    1. T. Boone Pickens*

      I can’t specifically remember where I read this but I saw an article that the Dyson air dryers weren’t quite as effective as paper towels since they didn’t dry your hands quite as much. I’m sorry that I don’t remember exactly where I read it.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If you’re concerned about aerosolizing the particles, I think this is an interesting point. A few things to consider, though. First, you’re imagining someone putting their newly-washed hands under the dryer. The virus isn’t *mainly* spread by physical contact anyway, and in this case presumably the hands going under the dryer are pretty clean to start with.

      Second, in the case that I read about where people got sick from aerosolized particles, they were directly in the path of an air-conditioning unit. People who sat even a little bit out of the airflow were not infected. So you’d have to have your face right under the dryer or right in its path to be in real danger. And again, in the case of the air-conditioning, what was aerosolized wasn’t germs on hards as much as particles from coughs and sneezes. (I am not a med pro, I didn’t research this stuff, I’m just responding with my thoughts based on what you posted and what I’ve read in other contexts.)

      In Japan, women carry small cloths, somewhat thicker than bandanas, in their purses to dry their hands after washing in a public restroom. If you’re concerned, you might try doing that, and just stay away from the flow of other people using the hand dryers.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Re-reading this, I want to clarify what I said about physical contact. I meant that it’s not mainly spread by people touching stuff with their hands and leaving germs behind. I think the poster is asking about virus getting onto the washed hands and then being aerosolized by the hand dryer.

        1. Tmarie*

          I hope that once I’m back to work the women that I have heard basically “wave” at the running water and then using the air dryer will have learned how to actually wash their hands. Just saying!

    3. Anono-me*

      It’s more that the toilets aerosolized a portion of their contents when flushed and then the air dryers stir everything in the bathroom up even more.

  112. No Tribble At All*

    Anyone else just not do anything for Mother’s Day? I actually get along really well with my mom, but we’ve never been a “buy cards and flowers” sort of family. I usually call her once a week for about an hour, and we’ve been texting more lately. My extended family is doing a group video call this afternoon. I feel a little bad this year there’s /nothing/, because I can’t go visit her because covid & I’m doing a take-home exam this weekend so I can’t spend lots of time on the phone. I’m always so surprised when I see people talking about sending their mom presents for Mother’s Day and I’m going to send her a funny gif?? Anyone else like but not celebrate their mom?

    1. Enough*

      Not a big deal when my mother was alive. For my kids it’s not a big deal either. When they were in school the local minor league baseball team had a reading program my kids’ school participated in. The end prize was a free ticket to a game. My husband would take them to the game on Mother’s Day. So they had fun and I got peace and quiet for a few hours.
      Win/Win.

    2. filosofickle*

      Mother’s Day has never been a thing for our family. When we were kids, Dad would take us away so she could relax at home. I never understood mothers wanting a big outing or to-do because my mom didn’t want that, then or any day of the year frankly. (And my dad, ever the literal engineer, would give his own mother a card for MD but not his wife because, and I quote: “She’s not MY mother”. Lol.)

      This may paint a picture of a an unloving family but we’re actually very close! We’re just not holiday / gift people. My mom happens to be one of the good ones, and for that I am very grateful. I make a point of telling her all the time and skipping MD.

    3. Diahann Carroll*

      This is me. Today’s also my birthday, I have terrible cramps, and I just want to be left alone.

    4. Eeeek*

      I sent something because I know it makes her happy but usually something small. We face timed and i sent a goody box for her cats. Some years flowers or a gift card for a massage

  113. Anon Mom*

    I wish Mother’s Day didn’t exist. I hate the reminder of my abusive mother’s existence. When I had children, I anticipated I would enjoy this day. The picture in my head was never extravagant, just a nice restaurant meal or maybe shopping alone. And because I have spectacular taste in men, both of my children’s fathers have bailed as a parent. My children are too young to understand today and I don’t know that they ever will. So I haven’t had anything special on Mother’s Day except disappointment. I know I don’t have it that bad and things could always be worse. I just don’t like this day as a reminder of where my life lacks.

    Sorry for the vent. I just needed to get this off my chest. Hugs to anyone who struggles like I do on this day.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry this day is hard for you. I’m a HUGE fan of asking for what you want, though, and even more so with children. Of course if you had an involved partner it would be nice if they would prompt your kids to celebrate with you. But you can certainly do that yourself. After my husband died, I would give my kids a heads-up about upcoming events, and we would plan them together. That included their own birthdays, national holidays, etc. but it also included MY birthday and Mother’s Day.

      IMO, when kids are very little most Mother’s Day celebrations are more about the kids than about Mom anyway. I don’t know about you, but waiting in bed forever for my tiny children to burn the toast and bring me a glass of milk because they couldn’t pour coffee was fun only in the sense that it was charming. It certainly wasn’t delicious. If I were you, I would play it up for your kids. “Today is MOTHER’S DAY! How shall we celebrate? Would you like to make lunch for ME, for a change? I’ll put out sandwich fixings, and then I’ll go into the bedroom, and you can bring lunch to me!!!!” Of course they’ll make a big mess and the sandwich will be weird, but that’s the fun of Mother’s Day.

      And the only way they’ll know it’s important when they get older, is if you show them that now.

      I’m so sorry that today is triggering hard memories for you. I hope that you and your children can start to establish some happier ones, if not today, then on other days.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Holidays are a tough time for a lot of people. Growing up in the 90s and 2000s (and I’m sure other decades), we always saw the picture of happiness everywhere, but I’m glad that the last few years there’s been more of an effort to be more inclusive and show a bigger picture of life so those who are struggling are also included. I am struggling today too for reasons, but I tell myself that in a few hours it won’t matter. It’s just one day, a holiday, and things will go back to “normal” tomorrow.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      My mom was not awful, just not someone I would ever speak to if we were not related. I appreciate knowing others don’t feel attached to their mothers or to the holiday.

      Lots of love to you and your kids!

    4. Anono-me*

      I’ve always thought of Mother’s/Father’s Day as being a day when people should make an extra effort to remember all the good things their mothers/fathers did for them.

      Obviously some people don’t qualify. It sounds like your female parent didn’t / doesn’t qualify. And I’m sorry for your pain.

      But I do think that your children will figure it out (it might take a couple of more years then it would if you had a co-parent to coach them), but Society (and advertising) gives us enough reinforcements on remembering Mother’s Day that it will happen. Until then please accept my Happy Mother’s day wishes along with a virtual macaroni picture frame gift and a virtual meal of burnt toast and bitter coffee.

  114. Rebecca*

    Greetings from central PA, where yesterday’s weather brought wind and snow showers! Over 80 degrees last Sunday and snow showers and cold yesterday, ugh!! But today is better, sunny and heading toward 60, and the sun feels warm at least. I’m trying to motivate myself to clean out my car, vacuum the inside, wash the outside…I may put off the washing until it gets at least a bit warmer.

    I’m trying to stay busy, so I put up another shelf in my unfinished bathroom, and when I traded a board with a neighbor for one better suited for my shelf, got an outlet too. Just need a box for it, and I already have a smart plug for it, and I can put a small light on the shelf that I can control with my phone.

    On the cleaning supplies front, I’m still unable to find liquid hand soap, so I just use a bar of Ivory soap, and still no Lysol, Lysol wipes, Clorox wipes, etc. I did finally find the partially used refill bottle of hand sanitizer, so I’m good for a while again, and one of my friends found some at a store and grabbed one for me. I just need to go there and pick it up. I just went to the local dollar store to see if I could get anything, and was amused that the clerk had a mask, but her nose was sticking out. Sighs.

    Had Mom drama this week, last Sunday evening I had to call an EMT friend to come to the house and take her blood pressure, seems she was feeling weird. We have a monitor that you plug in, put the cuff on your arm, press the button and it takes the reading. I took it – first time, 194/78. Second time, 178/72. Pulse was always in the 50’s. She refused to let me call for an ambulance, so my EMT friend came, and took it with his equipment, and it was still in the 170’s. We tried to convince her to go to the hospital, she wouldn’t go, so on Monday she called the doctor. Tuesday he called in a script for Norvasc, and I picked it up, and she’s been taking her blood pressure over and over again all week. I mean like “2:57 AM”, specific right to the minute. Now she’s convinced that the meds she takes for the bladder issues are causing issues with slower pulse, and when I pointed out that she’s 84 1/2 years old, and these things happen, Oh Man, does this not fit into her narrative of how superior she is to everyone else due to her restrictive eating habits. So we’ll see what happens. I told her, when she fussed about taking BP meds, side effects, etc, that she has a choice – have a stroke or take them. I’m just staying out of the way. She’s a retired RN, she knows this is not good.

    I was reviewing game cam photos, and was surprised to see one of the black bears out during the day, like 6:30 at night, so I’ll need to be cautious when poking around out back. He or she is sort of cute, and likes to put their face right up to the camera, so I have some pretty amusing pictures.

    Oh, and I’m going to have a video chat with my PA next week, but an in office blood draw for lab work tomorrow morning. I’m happy enough that it’s not DIY. Yet.

    Hope everyone has a great week!

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Yay on the progress on the bathroom/ home improvement. And the game cam. Not so “woo hoo” on the mom drama, but I do send my warmest thoughts for you….

    2. Observer*

      The game cam sounds really cool.

      And yeah, the weather has been weird here in NY, too. Crazy making, no?

  115. message for Loss Mom*

    Thinking of you. I hope you’re able to find comfort and peace today. <3

    1. Jedi Squirrel*

      Same here. Take care of yourself, Loss Mom. I have really appreciated your posts.

  116. Ktelzbeth*

    I think I saw on here discussion of a website that you could tell what cookbooks you owned and what ingredients you had and it would tell you which recipe to make. I’ve tried to search and cannot find it. Can anyone help? Thanks!

    1. RagingADHD*

      Was it Supercook? Haven’t tried it, but have seen it recommended either here or on twitter.

  117. MissBliss*

    I commented a few weeks back saying that we’d managed to get a wedding certificate despite our courts being closed. Well, we are married! About everything changed except we kept our date. It ended up being a 2:1 ratio of people to dogs (six people, one of whom was a surprise but welcome guest).

    I don’t blame anyone who has decided to postpone– attempting to social distance while getting married was HARD. I promise to live in seclusion forever if that’s what’s necessary, now that I know my husband can get on my health insurance.

    We’ll have phone calls with our further flung relatives later this evening and are thinking about having an open Zoom cocktail hour afterward for any friends who would like to pop on and talk to us.

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      congratulations! All the best to you…. glad you were able to keep the date, and it is so sweet that the doggos were there!

  118. nep*

    Livid. And that feeling that you wish you’d give anything to back up time by an hour.
    I currently live with my 80-year-old mother (too long a saga there). I’ve been so careful, taking all the necessary precautions to stay safe and keep us both safe. She hasn’t been out in more than two months. I do all her shopping and errands and I’m super careful.
    A little while ago, I’m upstairs on the phone and I hear my brother, his wife (who works in a hospital), and their two sons downstairs. ‘Happy mother’s day’ and all that… I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Just like any other mother’s day!
    They were gone by the time I finished my phone call (I wouldn’t have gone down to see them even if I wasn’t on the phone). I asked my mom, ‘Did they at least have masks on?’
    No. No, they didn’t have masks on.
    W. T. F.
    I can’t believe it. I just texted my brother and his wife saying please don’t do that again. It’s not safe. And she works in a hospital FFS.
    Beside myself right now.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This world is Topsy turvy, that’s exactly the worst gift to give this year. You have every right to be upset. Fingers crossed.

    3. Anono-me*

      I am so sorry that this happened. I hope everyone is healthy.

      I hope your brother and his wife make better choices going forward. I very much understand why are you up so upset and would be also.

    4. nep*

      Thanks, all.
      One thing that’s constantly on my mind is my mom’s only great grandchild. We’re seeing two, three, four members of families die from this virus. The way my brother and his wife are behaving, that little girl could lose two, three, four members of her family, or more. And for senseless, stupid behavior. I know we’re all going to go someday and I can’t control that. But damn we can control whether we act recklessly or not.
      I’m just so full of resentment. And I am one to take deep breaths and let things go. But this one is reeeeeeaaalllly tough to let go. And there’s no way of resolving it. What’s done is done.
      I wasn’t experiencing headaches for some time now, partly because I’ve been doing a lot to reduce / cope with stress…and especially just eliminate sources of stress. Well, of course, big fat whopper of a headache tonight.
      Thanks for listening to my rant, all. It helps a lot.

Comments are closed.