weekend open thread – May 30-31, 2020

by Alison Green on May 30, 2020

In the 11 weeks since we adopted him, Shadow (left) has never responded to the name he came to us with. So we have renamed him Theodore Laurence, and he will go by Laurie, like his namesake in Little Women.

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: We Are Not Ourselves, by Matthew Thomas. A long family saga (the best kind) about love, loss, and the American dream. Every character in here frustrated me at some point, but that made them more real.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    This week, in response to feedback about some changes in the tenor of these threads, I’m experimenting with a change in our format:

    On this post, comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or updates on things you received advice about in the past are also fine.

    So, what does that leave out? Mostly: venting without a desire for advice, and “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts. I know some people appreciate the latter; others have felt them detracting from the conversational feel of the weekend threads as they increase.

    This is not necessarily a permanent change. For now, it’s an experiment (and I might experiment with other format changes in the future). It might prove to squelch conversation more than it encourages it or it might end up feeling heavy-handed. Let’s see how it goes.

  2. Gaia*

    Gardeners of the commentariat: I need advice!

    I’ve never had plants but I finally have a balcony where I get a mix of sun and shade and I really want plants. Ideally some flowery things and some veggies. They should probably not be very sensitive because I’m new. What should I try? Any advice? I live in Oregon so our climate is pretty moderate.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Growing lettuce from seed is extremely easy. Just plant it and water it and it will be a food! If you’re impatient, get microgreen seeds; they grow fast and you eat them when they’re still very young and tender, and then you plant more. Check the package info to see whether to start the seeds indoors or outdoors. We’ve been growing lettuce indoors on a sunny windowsill and it’s working great.

      You can also go to a plant nursery and get some nice healthy plants rather than starting from seed. The nursery staff can tell you exactly which plants will do well on a deck like yours.

    2. Fancy Owl*

      Congrats! I’ve always wanted balcony plants too but I’m terrible at keeping them alive… my mom is pretty good at it though and she swears by using deeper, bucket shaped planters over the shallower, longer ones that sit on the railings. They hold moisture better apparently. But that may not be as much of a concern for you in Oregon as it is for my mom in California. You also might want to look into berries? My grandma who lived in northwestern Oregon grew tons of them, I think they do well in that climate.

    3. StellaBella*

      I have a balcony that is 4x6feet (ish) and it gets 6 hrs of morning sun. I have tomatoes, zucchini, sunflowers, lavender, basil, poppies, gladiolus, aloe, beans, and 2 tiny melon plants growing. I have a pallet to hold the tiny containers (which drain and the plants will be transplanted once bigger to larger pots) and on the bottom part of the pallet I have used a plastic trash bag for soil and put the beans and melons in there with sticks to trellis them up the pallet – they get water from the draining plants above them. Starter plants like a foot tall tomato plant or two in large pots will do well – just stake them well in case of winds. Also, flowers like sunflowers and lavender are easy to grow and good for bees. You can buy starters of most flowers, and have a lovely space to bees and for you. :)

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        Wow! That’s a lot of plants. I was impressed with my neighbor who grew sweet corn on his deck, but you have more of an actual farm.

      2. pancakes*

        Sunflowers are great, easy and quick to grow, and birds will eat the seeds when the blossoms die.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      I used to teach gardening to children, and we’d always start with string beans, radishes, and tomatoes. All 3 are easy to grow and tolerant of human error. You can grow just about anything in containers on your balcony, so my recommendation is to grow something you like to eat and have fun playing with dirt!

      1. Tau*

        I would like to add to this that homegrown cherry tomatoes taste *absolutely fantastic*, much better than any I’ve ever bought in the shop.

    5. migrating coconuts*

      I plant a lot of flowers in my containers. I have found that impatiens and petunias are the easiest and most flowery plants. They both can handle sunny and shady. Impatiens are a little more of a shade plant, but they will do very well in sun. You just have to keep an eye on them when you have a string of hot sunny days, they will need a little more water. I like to put something tall and spiky in the middle of the pot, and something trailing for the edges, such as Creeping Jenny. Then fill the rest with flowers. A good plant that doesn’t flower but comes in many different colors/patterns is coleus. All of these things are commonly found at home improvement stores.

      1. Natalie*

        If you’re feeling really lazy or uncreative, you can often find pre-made baskets with petunias, pansies, etc., too.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      I for herbs, I suggest parsley and basil – they’re easy to care for and delicious when fresh. For flowers, petunias deal well in that climate and are hardy AF.

      1. Alston*

        For basil when you see flower buds forming cut them off. Encourages it to keep growing.

        1. Clisby*

          Cut it off, put it in a jar with water, and when it starts growing new roots, plant that one. I almost never cook with basil, but I love the smell, so I grow it more like a cutting flower.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Agree on herbs. I often can get live basil plants at my grocery store.

        Exactly the sort of thing where a recipe often calls for a tablespoon and the store sells things by the cup.

      3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        And oregano! And it comes back year after year – it doesn’t completely die out, just back. Mine (before it was destroyed :-( was over 10 years old!).

      4. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

        Parsley is almost un-killable. I like making pesto; chop the whole plant down to about 2 inches from the soil. Within a day it’s sprouting back up. It’s so prolific, you might regret planting it…

        Mint is very hardy too if you think you’ll cook with it often…or make mojitos.

        Rosemary is another that grows quickly. I love just bundling in sprigs and hanging it around like an air freshener. That one i haven’t haven’t had great success growing from seed so I’d recommend getting a potted plant from a garden center.

    7. i heart salt*

      A coleus will do nicely & it will let you know when it’s thirsty or getting too much sun. Also, it will grow quickly & they come in a variety of color combos!

    8. Venus*

      Sunlight is critical to growing veggies. Spend a day at home checking on your balcony every hour or two. Map out where you get sunlight, and when it goes away. Veggies need at least 6 hours of sunlight, within the span of about 8am-5pm. If you don’t have that much sunlight then look for veggies that do well in shade. The flowering plants are less picky. I think that I failed with my gardening in years past because I didn’t realize how little sunlight I truly had.

      The other elements are water and fertilizer. As mentioned, bigger containers are better for water retention, and that is a big issue with anything in pots and containers as the smaller ones can dry out and kill the plants within a day. I almost lost my tomato seedlings this year because I watered them in the morning but didn’t go out mid-afternoon on a very sunny day. You can also reduce evaporation by putting a cover (wood chips, plastic, etc) on the soil. I put wood chips over the dirt in my garden, so the suggestion isn’t limited to pots.

      I haven’t done this myself, but I have heard good things about growing potatoes in bags of soil. So you don’t even need a big pot! You would have to look it up online, to see about draining extra water out of the bag and watering it, and what type of soil to buy, but it seems pretty easy. You also need to buy potatoes which haven’t been treated not to sprout (unfortunately I don’t know much about this, so you would have to look it up).

      Tomatoes also do well in larger pots, if they have enough sun. You might want to get smaller varieties, like cherry tomatoes. If you are up high (or even if you aren’t) then you should probably give any flowers a little shake, like a bee, as they will likely need extra help with pollination. I know of friends who have an electric toothbrush for their tomatoes, as apparently it is optimal for pollination, although I find that if I tap my fingers against the tomato flowers they do quite well (but I also see quite a few bees in the area).

      I don’t want to push you toward larger plants, but did want to mention them in case you might prefer potatoes and tomatoes to lettuce and herbs. I think all of them are great suggestions, but it depends on what you like most. Grow something that you will enjoy!

    9. MistOrMister*

      With the caveat that mostly I have only grown tomatoes and this year am experimenting with seeds in my backyard….I have a tomato plant I’m trying in a pot after seeing my neighbors had one last year. I think radishes would do well on a balcony. They sprout very quickly from seeds, and the package I got said they work as a potted plant. You might be able to grow green beans, although I am still watching to see how much space mine need. Catgrass grows incredibly quickly even in a pot. Chives grow fairly quickly as well. I’ve read also that you can put the root area of cabbage or lettuc in water to get it to sprout and then plant that. I’ve got a thing of cabbage going now…only I’m not really quite sure what happens if you plant it. I think you would get new leaves but no whole cabbage head. It could be wortg a shot if you have an extra pot to experiment with. And if it doesnt work, you’re not really out anything but the time it took to find out!

    10. Generic Name*

      I adore petunias. They come in a ton of colors, and there’s a variety called “wave” that has smaller blossoms and is kind of like a ground cover.

      1. Artemesia*

        Some of the purple ones also smell really good — most petunias don’t, but some of the purple ones do and that plus aromatic herbs like rosemary and lavender can really make the balcony smell heavenly in the sun.

    11. Parenthetically*

      Our swiss chard is going like GANGBUSTERS right now so I have to recommend that! It’s such a delicious green, and it just keeps producing from the same plant again as you cut it! Great value for money. You can buy the plants or start from seed.

    12. Calanthea*

      On my balcony I have a couple of jasmine (in big pots), some geraniums (in small pots) and some medium size “troughs” with marigolds, spring bulbs, night stocks and perrenial pinks (carnations?).
      I went for flowers that smell nice, rather than provide colour particularly.
      being on a balcony, you don’t get slugs! So things like lettuces or hostas which are slug magnets are pretty safe!

    13. The pest, Ramona*

      Shade loving flowers that have worked for me are astilbe and cyclamen. Both have a range of colors. Astilbe is much taller if you want a plant with height.
      The British show Gardner’s World is great for gardening how-to’s (BritBox or Youtube).

    14. Nita*

      All of the above is great advice! I also want to add peppers to the list of easy veggies. Mine grow even indoors near a southern window. They don’t give much of a crop with so little light, but still look happy and healthy.

      One caveat – this late in the season, you might want to get your plants/seeds from a local store, or from produce (store-bought peppers and tomatoes usually have ripe seeds that sprout just fine). This year there’s more demand for seeds than usual, and the nurseries I’ve bought from online in the past either sell out fast, or take forever to ship anything. By the time you get an online order, it might be July or August!

      1. HoundMom*

        I do a lot of pot vegetables as my yard is overrun with wildlife. Cucumbers and squash grow really easily but need room to stretch out. Miniature eggplants grow really easily in sun and shade and give off lots of veggies which can be diced up into rice, sauces or served alone.

    15. Paulina*

      If you like tomatoes, try those (in a sunny spot). Fresh and ripe tomatoes can be much tastier than what is in stores, or even from markets, since you can grow them to a ripeness that wouldn’t survive much handling. Keep them watered and fertilized, but they’re pretty tolerant IME. Herbs are also very tolerant (and go well with tomatoes).

    16. 40 Years in the Hole*

      Seconding all the comments here, and I would add: because you’re on a balcony, buy or make a light-weight or soilless mix for potting your veg & flowers (found at big-box garden centres and nurseries). Better than hauling the regular soil bags from point A to B. Reduces the load on the balcony/railings, as many containers add up to substantial weight. I found a lighter mix is good for hanging planters, just in terms of lifting the baskets. Mulch all your containers to retain moisture, as the wind and sun will dry out the soil faster in containers than a regular garden.
      If you have the space set your seeds every couple of weeks, for continuous harvest.
      Have fun!

    17. NewReadingGlasses*

      I concur with the tomato recommendation, also cherry tomatoes are easier to grow than beefsteaks. For edible herbs, basil, thyme sand rosemary in the sun.other plants: coleus, fuchsias, or begonias in the shade. In the sun: petunias, calibrachoa (look like mini petunias) and geraniums. Bigger pots are better. Don’t overdo it the first year!

    18. Not Australian*

      Nasturtiums are really easy, come in all sorts of colours, and the flowers are edible in salads if you’re feeling adventurous. They thrive in pretty much all climates as long as you make sure they’re watered occasionally, and the only thing that really upsets them is frost. You *will* need to haul them out at the end of the season and start again next year, though.

    19. Cedrus Libani*

      I have had a balcony garden for years. I live in Silicon Valley, so my weather is milder than yours, but not by that much. Some random thoughts:

      My philosophy is, I want edible plants that supply things that I regularly want. If I’m cooking, in my pajamas, and suddenly realize that I need some green onions…no big deal, I’ve got some outside. Either that, or there’s something I can’t quite get at the store. A super-fresh pea, or a blueberry right off the bush. I just put in my first actual flower (a dwarf gardenia) a few days ago, in a fit of quarantine-induced madness.

      It’s true that mail-order garden centers are overwhelmed right now, but you can get good stuff right from your grocery store. Those “living herbs” are perfectly plantable – though you want to put them in shade for a couple of weeks while they get used to not being in a greenhouse anymore. I got my rosemary, mint, and basil that way. (Fair warning on the mint; it will take over any container you put it in. I have mine planted inside a “fence”, made by removing the bottom of a plastic take-out soup container.) You can also replant the root end of a green onion. Just leave about 1.5″ of stem, and pop the root into the ground. Eventually the leaves will get too large and too tough, but you’ll get a good 2-3 regrows.

      Consider the size of your future plant, and also whether it’s suitable for being up in your personal space. Fresh berries are great, but do you really want a big thorny bush taking over your balcony?

      I like grow bags. They keep plants from becoming pot-bound, as the roots naturally stop growing when they hit the fabric. You can’t over-water them, as excess water just comes out. They’re light, and they’re cheap. They do need watering a bit more often, though. I have my herbs in 5-gallon bags, and a small lime tree in a 10-gallon.

      I do have some other containers. My tomato / pea planter is a large plastic bucket (~15 gal). These plants are short-lived, so I’m not so worried about the long-term health of their roots, and they’re water hogs. I did poke a hole in the side so truly excess amounts of water can drain. I also have my blueberry bush in a faux-stone planter (~5 gal), as they like a bit more moisture.

      Don’t put containers directly on the balcony if you value your security deposit. For my 5-gal bags, I put them in saucers (I found the perfect ones on Amazon; like a cafeteria tray, but round). Then I put them on either a wire shelf or a stack of milk crates. (The wire shelf is more practical; the milk crates are blocking the ground-level view of an AC unit I’m not supposed to have.) The extra height also helps the plants get more sun, as they can poke over the railing instead of being shaded by it. Everything larger than that is on a dolly of some kind. I move them with the seasons, as the sunniest spots on my east-facing balcony are different in summer than in winter.

      If you can, get technology to do the work for you. At my previous apartment, the outside area had a water tap, so I could have an automatic watering system. Can’t do that here, sadly. But I do have a soil moisture probe that gives a remote readout, like a digital thermometer, so I know when watering is needed.

      Also, a note on cherry tomatoes: they’re good for containers, in that they tolerate erratic watering a little better (large tomatoes tend to split under these conditions). But they are NOT small plants, unless specifically stated. I’ve got three varieties of heirloom cherry tomatoes this year; I’m expecting eight-foot-plus, gangly monsters. (One is in a 15-gal bucket; two are sharing a 35-gal bed with a baby avocado tree.) Yes, I’ve been amusing myself by building a trellis infrastructure that can handle it, but I am a bored engineer stuck in my house. If you don’t want that, look for “determinate” varieties of tomato, which stop growing once fruit has been set. The downside is that these tend to produce a whole bunch of fruit at once – good for making a giant batch of tomato sauce, but less useful for eating fresh.

      1. Nita*

        Oh, that reminds me… peas! Here in NYC fresh green peas are very rare in stores, and cost something ridiculous. Definitely planning to plant some this year. If my seed order ever arrives, that is :(

    20. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I can’t contribute as i know nothing except that I love flowers lol but this sounds so exciting. Good luck!

    21. Container gardening*

      Last year I successfully did container gardening for the first time on our deck after a long history of being a plant killer and two things that I think were largely helpful to my success was first using an Earthbox (or similar concept pot) which has a reservoir for water at the bottom. This pretty much ensured the plant was always getting the water it needed and it was very easy for me to determine when I needed to add more water. And secondly I used the book “The Bountiful Container” by McGee & Stuckey that has lots of specific advice for different kinds of growing veggies, herbs, and flowers in containers. I was successful in growing tomatoes, cucumbers, and rosemary from seedlings. I had a little bit of success from a pepper seedling (just a couple of small peppers). And have been able to grow lettuce and radishes from seeds. It has been a lot of fun!

    22. All monkeys are French*

      I highly recommend getting yourself a copy of the Sunset Western Garden book. It breaks down the whole west coast of the US into very specific climate zones, and has a comprehensive list of plants and their requirements, plus lots of other useful info. It totally changed the game for me when I moved to California from the east coast and all my previous gardening knowledge seemed useless.

    23. Job Hunter*

      Mandevilla grow really well on trellises, and can be trained to cover a balcony railing. I cut mine down to 4-5 ft long before bringing it inside for the winter. They prefer partial shade and well drained potting mix or sandy soil. Some even have fragrance.

    24. LemonLyman*

      Just started gardening right before lockdown. I was given a little kale plant and that kick started my interest. kale grows well in cool and hot weather. Romaine is wonderful if you don’t have a lot of light. I grow some in shallow containers under a tree that only gets morning light. CaliKim on YouTube just started a small space container garden series. Check out her channel! A couple of others to check out are California Garden TV and Epic Gardening. All west coasters, too! (Oh, and if you need to start your plants from transplants and not seeds, do it! It’s ok! I’ve had terrible luck trying to grow from seed. but transplants I bought are all doing fantastic!)

    25. allathian*

      We’ve grown carrots and peas in boxes for years. The rabbits would get the carrots if we grew them at ground level, and besides, I hate stooping. Home grown stuff is better than anything you can get in the shops. We started when our son was about 5 years old to get him to understand that food doesn’t just magically appear in the shops, it has to be grown.

    26. Gamymede*

      Nobody has said this and I’m far too late to the party but

      WARNING

      plants, soil and water weigh a lot, and plants get bigger and heavier as they grow. I’m completely and utterly in favour of balcony gardens, but remember to think about the structural integrity of the balcony.

      Main tip: don’t use heavy duty pots such as terracotta!

      (This tip is passed on from the UK’s beloved Friday night gardening programme, Gardener’s World.)

    27. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Some edibles double as pretty ornamentsls. Chives is one obvious one.
      Less obvious? Potatoes! It takes a deep pot or planter bag…or so I read. I’m doing them for the first time this year because they sprouted in my worm compost bin and I need to cover garden space I’m trying to reclaim from years of landscaping fabric. I lost most of my seedlings to a late freeze, so potatoes it is. I’m sure I won’t get a lot of tubers, but they’re pretty plants.

    28. Em*

      As a fellow Oregonian, I definitely recommend herbs! They grow great here and even ones like oregano will overwinter. Cherry tomatoes can do well in a big pot, kale can produce year round if you just harvest some leaves and comes in pretty purple/red varieties that look nice too. Nasturtiums are super easy and pretty and are edible. You could try other edible flowers like borage too.

  3. Kiitemso*

    Book thread! What did you finish this week, what are you reading right now, what are you recommending, what is on your To-Be-Read Pile?

    I finished Murder in the Crooked House by Soji Shimada, a Japanese closed room mystery that was more a logistics-based mystery than psychological. I liked it but didn’t love it. Also read My Sister The Serial Killer during my breaks during wfh and it was such a quick read I finished it in two days. Loved it.

    Next I am reading The Wife Between Us.

    1. Best Cat in the World*

      I’ve just finished bingeing the entire Invisible Library series by Genevieve Cogman (so far anyway, next one’s already pre-ordered). I read the first one a while back, discovered there was a second, sat down to read it and discovered four more after that! Fantastic series!!

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      I finished A Gentleman in Moscow, a novel in which a former member of the Russian aristocracy (abolished in the 1917 revolution) is sentenced to “house arrest” in a hotel. It sounds grim, but it’s beautifully written and life-affirming.
      I’m working through a collection of short stories by Nadine Gordimer (20th-century/21st-century author in South Africa). Incisive; articulate; deeply observant; frequently heartbreaking.
      Thanks for the recommendation for Murder in the Crooked House.

      1. allathian*

        If you like Nadine Gordimer’s writing style, I can recommend My Son’s Story. It’s been years since I last read it, but it stays with you.

    3. Aphrodite*

      I am rereading THE RIVER OF DOUBT by Candace Millard. It’s the story of Teddy Roosevelt’s trip down a tributary of the Amazon river. It is one of my favorite books in the category I have come to term “Misery Books,” and it is about my 12th reading of it.

      I love misery books. One of the first that set the tone and even the idea of this category was INTO THIN AIR. I love sitting comfortably at home, a glass or wine, iced tea or hot milk near me and getting into adventures I have no intention of ever wanting to try. This is especially true of anything that involves hot and/or humid weather, horrifying bugs, trips that mean wearing the same clothes for weeks or even months on end, illness and death (especially if it is exceptionally miserable or even gruesome), and any other type of misery that adds to the “adventure.” I enjoy hearing mosquitoes whining outside my screens while the forced air conditioning and nearby refrigerator and bathroom provide the perfect contrast to what I am reading.

      I dislike summer the way many others dislike winter, and picking up one of these books to enjoy the vivid contrast between its miseries and my comfort makes for the perfect reading experience.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re “misery books” – I read a lot of those too; am especially fond of frozen-heights narratives during hot, muggy summer days. I liked INTO THIN AIR, and recently re-read THE WHITE SPIDER ( Heinrich Harrer’s book about the first attempts to climb the north face of the Eiger, with many, many horrific losses along the way – most taking place within view of the telescopes at the local hotels). And Joe Simpson’s memoir TOUCHING THE VOID is a spectacular example of mountaineering disaster and simply mind-blowing perseverance: he fell into a crevasse, was assumed dead by his companion, and had to crawl out alone with a badly broken leg while not knowing if he’d reach camp before the others left… [He writes really well too, which doesn’t hurt!]

      2. Patricia*

        Aphrodite- the River of Doubt is amazing! (Also loved Into Thin Air) I always call them adventurer books but I love your term too. And I hate summer too!

    4. Lena Clare*

      Well, I kind of got stuck reading the T. S. Joyce werewolf series (I’m in the middle of book 2), because I had sooner other non fiction stuff I needed to get through.

      And I’ve just got an ARC for a new Zoe Chant book which I’m reading, so I’ve got the werewolf ones to get back to afterwards.

      I normally hate reading different books at the same time, but uni work atm means I’m so busy with that, and as I like to unwind by reading and since relaxing with psychology books isn’t my idea of fun, it happens that I have several on the go at once!

    5. Jaid*

      Windsor McCay’s “Adventures of Little Nemo in Slumberland” had been scanned and can be read online. But it was originally posted on a full newspaper page, so reading it on the monitor sucks.

      My parents gave me some gift cards to Barnes and Nobel for my birthday and I finally made use of them. It was about 80$ but I got the 1910-1927 complete series book at the size it was meant to be read in.

      （●´∀｀）ノ♡

    6. StellaBella*

      I read CJ Sansom’s Dark Fire about Tudor England, and weapons of the Greeks, and justice…a great, fast paced historical fiction novel.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Ooh! I’ve read the whole Matthew Shardlake series and loved it. I’m really hoping there’s another book coming.

      2. GoryDetails*

        I love the Shardlake series! DARK FIRE was good, though not my favorite of the series – HEARTSTONE hit me harder – but I’ve enjoyed them all. Indeed, I got so immersed in Shardlake’s Tudor England that when I recently read the new Hilary Mantel, THE MIRROR AND THE LIGHT, I kept expecting Matthew to turn up (though he had parted from Cromwell’s service by that point in his own books).

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Tombland is the most recent book in the series, and it takes place during a period in Tudor history I knew nothing about (and had never even heard of).

      3. Fikly*

        I was just coming to this thread to shout out the first Shardlake book, which I have just discovered via the audiobook, which I am utterly delighted by!

        I am particularly enjoying how the author is handling disability, and also the smelly reality of Tudor England.

    8. migrating coconuts*

      Last fiction I read that I enjoyed was Akin by Emma Donoghue. For non-fiction I read Inheritance by Dani Shapiro. That one was really good if you have any interest in genealogy and dna stuff. Dani finds out she is not her father’s daughter and goes on a search.

    9. Lemonwhirl*

      In my ongoing obsession with pandemic narratives, I finished “Wanderers” by Chuck Wendig. It was excellent and maybe a bit terrifying but also comforting because at least things aren’t as bad as that book. My next book to read is “Recursion” by Blake Crouch.

    10. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Finished: The Autobiography of Jean-Luc Picard by David A. Goodman (excellent, if you’re a TNG fan) and The Poisoner’s Handbook by Deborah Blum, a nonfiction history of the early days of forensic science in NYC. (Also excellent, this was a reread.)

      Recently started: The Time Traveler’s Handbook, by Wylie, Acton and Goldblatt — this is a discussion of 19 historical events from Vesuvius to Woodstock, written as a travel brochure selling time travel experiences to tourists. It’s cracking me up. Also The Big Burn by Timothy someone, about the history of the US Forestry Service and terrible forest fires in the PNW.

      Recommending: Seanan McGuire’s Middlegame. It’s weird and lovely and Hugo-nominated. (Also, I know we have a lot of Murderbot fans here, the first full novel in the series has just been released.)

      Next up: Christie Golden’s “Lord of the Clans” (it’s a Warcraft tie-in) and Martha Wells’ “Razor’s Edge” (a Star Wars Han and Leia adventure by the author of the Murderbot books).

      2. SpellingBee*

        Just finished the new Murderbot novel, it was excellent! I haven’t read any of her other books, was going to try them next.

    11. anonymouse*

      Finished Shirley Jackson’s WE HAVE ALWAYS LIVED IN THE CASTLE and agree with the consensus that it’s her masterpiece. The plot is too delicious to spoil, but it’s a book about finding safety inside the home (which makes sense because Jackson battled terrible agoraphobia at the end of her life), and it’s fitting to read it during lockdown.

      Now I’m reading one of Christie’s minor Poirot novels, THE THIRD GIRL.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I thought it was good, but for me, “The Haunting of Hill House,” will always be her best. The way Hill House was written purposely makes it impossible to decide whether the house was really haunted or if the characters were merely paranoid and allowed their imaginations get the better of them. It crosses genres and is more of a “psychological thriller” than just a horror novel. Suspenseful and then the shocking sad ending that reinforced that uncertainty.

        You mention her suffering from agoraphobia and I can see how an intelligent person who suffered from psychological problems could still be aware of them and observe them, yet still experience those problems. In Shirley’s case she utilized them by incorporating them into her writing and to great effect.

        There is an upcoming movie titled, “Shirley,” based on Shirley Jackson’s life. It stars Elizabeth Moss (from the Handmaid’s Tale and Mad Men) in the lead role and has gotten excellent reviews. Moss has always struck me as being petite and in real life Shirley suffered from obesity, but according to the reviews Moss seems to have pulled off the role and fully inhabits it. Although she had 4 children, it seems that Jackson had an unhappy marriage and from what I’ve read it almost sounds like she and her husband could have been the basis for George and Martha in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolfe?” In any case, I want to see “Shirley,” the movie.

        I also see where there’s a fairly recent movie based on “We Have Always Lived in the Castle,” that you can see on HULU and that’s something I might do fairly soon.

    12. Annie Moose*

      I have officially given up on Sarah J. Maas’ Throne of Glass series. I normally don’t mind YA, but… the writing just was not great, I found the main character annoying, and the “winning” love interest was my least-favorite character. I’m a fast reader so I rarely DNF series and even more rarely DNF in the middle of a book, but I just couldn’t care about it anymore…

      1. I can only speak Japanese*

        I didn’t even make it past the Kindle sample with that one. I like YA fantasy, but lately I’ve had nothing but disappoinments. Back to re-reading Tamora Pierce, I guess…

    13. GoryDetails*

      I’m reading several things at once, as usual, switching as the mood takes me. Among them:

      LILY’S HOUSE by Cassandra Parkin, about a young woman who’s settling the estate of her estranged grandmother – and begins to find that her memories of her childhood with grandma Lily are nudging her towards some realizations about the state of her marriage and current life. (I’ve enjoyed several books by Parkin now, and want to read more.)

      ROYAL TUTOR, a manga series set in a Germanic-style kingdom in what looks like a mid-19th-century time period, with the diminutive tutor (who has a mysterious past and is scarily competent, even though his size leads to lots of “is this your baby brother?” jokes at his expense) taking charge of the four younger sons of the king, in hopes of making them worthy candidates to inherit – if the oldest prince fails to qualify for some reason. Nice mix of wacky hijinx and fun friends-and-family subplots.

      KITTY’S GREATEST HITS by Carrie Vaughn, a short story collection set in her “Kitty Norville” universe, kind of a paranormal adventure/romance/mystery series. The short stories range far and wide, including Tudor England and early-colonial Mexico as well as some origin-story bits about Kitty and other main characters in the series.

      On audiobook:

      THE MAN ON THE MOUNTAINTOP by Susan Trott, with a really marvelous voice-cast; it’s about a humble man who’s become the goal of a stream of pilgrims, most of whom fail to recognize him when they see him. Lots of Zen-style lessons here, and quite a lot of humor.

      Currently listening to THE OCTOBER MAN by Ben Aaronovitch; it’s a side-story in his marvelous “Rivers of London” series, this one focusing on the German magic-police from the viewpoint of Tobias Winter. He has a lot in common with Peter Grant, and the story has him teaching another cop about basic magic in what looks like a “draft a new apprentice” situation. And the story has a strong “don’t mess with the affections of a river goddess” message {wry grin}.

      1. Kate*

        I love the Rivers of London series!

        Just the kind of light, engaging reading I keep wanting to binge since my love of dystopian novels went out the window with the pandemic.

    14. Purt’s Peas*

      I just finished Six of Crows and Crooked City by Leigh Bardugo, a YA duology about a heist in fantasy Amsterdam. The YA part was interesting—all the main characters were teenagers, but it was strangely jarring to be reminded they were teenagers and not adults. Really good books, but had a good number of little jarring things like that.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        I hear that a lot about those books – it being hard to believe they are teens. It’s not a problem I personally had, but I can understand where it comes from.
        I find the duology a little overwrought/overdone at points, but in total well worth the ride. Also, as someone with then-undiagnosed mental illness (and autism but Didn’t Know That Then Either), I found it obscurely comforting to read a book about sad, complicated, brain-weirded heroes who were still doing what they could and trying to be good to each other. I know that’s commonly attempted as a story hook, but somehow this one worked better than most for me.

        1. Purt’s Peas*

          I totally loved that. The teen thing is because most of the other characters treat the main ones like adults—excepting a few “you all are so young!!” bits of dialog. So it just felt like they were adults until the book reminds you overtly that they’re not. Other than that I do love YA so I’m certainly not bothered by competent teen heroes :)

          But yeah, I really, really liked all of them. I loved that they legitimately had addictions, and traumas that weren’t healed at the end, but still tried to do right by their friends and city. And pulled off some cool heists :)

    15. Akcipitrokulo*

      Reading “Sorcerer to the crown” by Zen Cho – awsome, rich book about Victorian England AU where magic is known, and what happens when a black man takes the highest position – and then is converted to idea women should be allowed to practice – and meanwhile needs to save magic community from dwindling supplies, cut-off relations to the fae realm and the pressures of non-magic politicians who expect the normal favours that are not necessarily possible – or desirable – without letting the magic scarcity issue become known. With real-history bits as well (like concerns about Napoleon in Asia).

      About 1/3 of way through and loving it!

    16. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      Echo the recommendation of Gentlment in Moscow above.
      Recently finished Mieville’s October about the Russian Revolution (highly recommend), and Karen Tidbeck’s SF Novella Amatka (excellent, but didn’t stick the landing).
      Now re-reading Wizard of Earthsea with kiddo (who has noticed how calm Ogion is, and how that is a challenge for his pupil), and CLR James’ Beyond A Boundary, which is part memoir part cricket book, and mostly just incredibly frank and incisive.

      1. Buni*

        Oh gods, I love the Wizard of Earthsea books SO MUCH. Not sure if I can take the genuine heart-rending-ness atm tho..

    17. Anon5775*

      I am in the middle of Tell the Machine Goodnight by Katie Williams. It’s really good! A little futuristic- a mouth swab fed into a machine will spit out 3 individualized things that will make you happier. Such a cool idea!

    18. OtterB*

      Also recommend A Gentleman in Moscow. I read it a few weeks ago, and it was one of the few new things (not a reread, not a new book by a favorite author) that I have stuck to in months.

      I decided to reread my way through the Dresden Files books from the beginning in anticipation of the next of the series, which is to be published in September now, I think. I’m into book 4, and am probably not going to finish before the books 1-6 ebook omnibus has to be returned to the library, but I do have them in paperback somewhere in the house. I am reminded that Dresden’s character was annoying in some of the early books, but also that some highly series-important characters are introduced early on.

      I have just started Homegoing, by Yaa Gyasi, which I’d picked a month or so ago for a broadening of my suburban whitebread worldview. I’m seeing it on lists of suggested reading in the current attention to racial injustice.

      I have too big a TBR stack to describe but that’s not keeping me from buying new things. The Angel of the Crows by
      Katherine Addison is due out toward the end of June. She wrote The Goblin Emperor, one of my all-time favorite books, and others I enjoyed as Sarah Monette.

      1. TL -*

        There’s a new Dresden Files in July and then another in September – apparently this book got completely out of hand during the writing and he ended up splitting it into two? (I think?)

        Anyways really excited! Just finished a re-listen of Skin Game

      2. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

        If you’re re-reading the Dresden books, you might like the “Sandman Slim” books by Richard Kadrey. Although I’m going to guess you’ve already read them :) I read some of N. P. Martin’s Ethan Drake books – they just didn’t do it for me.

        This past week I’ve been reading a lot of quirky old SF by A. E. van Vogt and Barrington J. Bailey – these guys are like the John Waters of science fiction: the writing is not especially good, but just before you decide to say “this is crap” and set it aside, they’ll toss in something genuinely weird and interesting. Van Vogt in particular often writes like he’s a 16yo member of the Civil Air Patrol on an Ovaltine jag – but “The Weapons Shops of Isher” is a fun, inventive book that still manages to be relevant today.

    19. Koala dreams*

      I’m reading Murder on the Mauretania by Conrad Allen. I’ve yet to get to the murder, but there are plenty of thefts. It’s nice to read about the glamerous travel on an Atlantic Ocean liner and dream away the problems of today.

    20. WellRed*

      I finally finished Brotopia, about the misogynstic culture of Silicon Valley. I got it from the library in March as things were closing down. It’s actually really good, I just happen to prefer fiction.

      1. HamlindigoBlue*

        I listened to the audiobook on my commute about six months back. I’m in tech, and I enjoyed the book. Even though the ideas and stories aren’t anything new, I liked the way it was organized. It also reminded me that I had two of Sheryl Sandberg’s books on my to-read list as well as one of Kim Scott’s books.

    21. New Bee*

      Has anyone read The Body Double? I got to the end and was like…that’s it? If it was supposed to be a twist, it wasn’t executed well imo.

    22. HamlindigoBlue*

      I finished The Andromeda Strain, and I just started The Gift of Forgiveness by Katherine Schwarzenegger.

    23. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I read Unorthodox by Deborah Feldman this past week. It was a very interesting look into the life of Hasidic Jews. Her story is also quite different in some parts from the story portrayed in the Netflix version.

    24. Falling Diphthong*

      I’ve been rereading Lois McMaster Bujold’s mid-Barrayer books.
      Just received New Suns, a sci fi short story collection I hope will put me onto some new authors.

      Past recommendations here for which I am grateful:
      • Donna Andrews cozy mysteries, both Meg Langslow (classic fall-in-love-with-extended-family series) and Turing Hopper (a truly original detective, an AI)
      • Vivian Shaw Strange Practice, about Greta Helsing a doctor to London’s supernatural community. Fun, light, perfect while recovering from surgery.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        And The Ten Thousand Doors of January, about magical doors between worlds and the people who find them.

        1. Just a Guy in A Cube*

          Ten Thousand Doors was amazing! I have New Suns sitting on my shelf after not engaging with the first couple stories … would love to hear if it gets better!

    25. Ali G*

      I just finished “Nothing to See Here.” and it was absolutely adorable. It’s about a woman who’s childhood friend calls her out of the blue to take care of her two step kids that have come to live with her and husband after their mother died. The kids burst into flames when they get anxious and Dad is trying to become the Secretary of State so they hide them in a guesthouse. It’s hilarious and sweet. I read it in 2 sittings. I’m on the hunt for another so thanks in advance for your recommendations!

    26. NewReadingGlasses*

      I just finished “The Shining Girls” ( pretty good, serial killer with supernatural time-traveling element). I’m currently reading The Luminous Dead, which I really like, but it is making me tense. It might fit in the Misery Book category – the whole story is spelunking in an alien planet cave system and there were just SPORES on the last page I read. Never in any fiction book I have ever read has the presence of spores been a good thing. I’m also reading “The Raven Tower” by Ann Leckie ( to get away from the spores). The first two chapters are good.
      Next up is “The Huntress” by Kate Quinn. It’s a historical fiction spy story set during/after ww2.

    27. Bluebell*

      Mambo in Chinatown by Jean Kwok. Nice story about a young Chinese woman who gets a job in a dance studio. Also reading a bio of Mr. Rogers.

    28. mlk*

      As a mood uplifter and to ‘clear my palate’, I read a bunch of stories from the new ebook version of Ingathering, a complete collection of Zenna Henderson’s stories of the People. The People are refugees who land on Earth after their home world destroys itself. They meet good and bad people with the stories starting in the late 1800s through the early 1900s and set in the American southwest. Sense of place is good. These are hopeful stories, although some sad things happen too.

      I’ve torn through some K.J. Charles stories after she released a few for free. (4 books post-the-free-one…) I liked them but there are some repeating tropes and her other stories aren’t tempting me yet. Note: most are M/M historical romances.

      Lois McMaster Bujold has a new Penric and Desdemona story, The Physicians of Vilnoc. Note: about a pandemic

      Also reread the Murderbot novellas after reading Network Effect, the novel that was just released. Murderbot is a SecUnit (Security Unit), a slave/construct for a corporation in the future. It disabled its governor module after a massacre occurred on a contract but has continued to do its job because it’s not sure what else to do. It would rather not have to deal with any messy, squishy humans when even the ones it feels some connection to sometimes want eye contact, or even worse, a hug.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Glad to see a mention of Zenna Henderson, mlk! I loved her books about “The People”, but my favorite works of hers are her short-story collections, THE ANYTHING BOX and HOLDING WONDER. (Some of those stories are set in the same world as “The People” but most are stand-alone.) Some stories are sweet, some magical, some downright terrifying – and I adore them all!

        1. mlk*

          The rest of her work have finally been released in new hardcover and ebook editions this year. The book is called Believing and released by NESFA.

    29. I can only speak Japanese*

      I finished Eon – Rise of the Dragoneye by Alison Goodman, and started the sequel, Eona. It started out interesting, but has turned into nothing but a love triangle (with one of the guys being an attempted rapist no less!) and I’m ranting to my husband about it more than actually proceeding.

      Well, at least I know what not to do if I ever actually start writing my own novel…

  4. WFH2020*

    I have run out of interesting series or movies to watch. I don’t have cable and haven’t turn my television on since December 2019. I watch TV and movies on Hulu, Netflix, and Prime Video.

    Any suggestions of interesting series or movies ? I hope there are new episodes and movies coming out this summer.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      HBO made a lot of its content free starting in April. That might be worth checking out if you haven’t already. Search “HBO is making some of its iconic shows free to watch for everyone stuck at home” to find an article with more info.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          Yeah, it’s over. I was re-watching the Sopranos, and now I can’t finish it! I did manage to binge two seasons of Barry and two seasons of Succession, though.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Argh lost a really long comment:(
      National Theatre Live are staging free streams of one of their shows every week on YouTube.
      There’s been some good ones.

      I’m currently watching Bosch which is great and the music is wonderful.

      Some other series I’ve enjoyed on Netflix:
      – Crazy Ex Girlfriend
      – Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
      – The Good Place
      – Kim’s Convenience
      – Bordertown (police, foreign language)
      – Line Of Duty (UK police internal affairs)
      – Derry Girls

      On Amazon:
      – Upload (wonderfully funny and sweet)
      – Unforgotten (UK police cold cases)
      – Little Fires Everywhere

      I don’t know where you’ll find this but it was one of the best shows I’ve seen in a long time, from the BBC:
      – Giri/Haji.

      If you can find Smack The Pony too (originally on channel 4 UK and repeated last night) that’s an all female comedy sketch show, hilarious.
      Ooooo it’s just made me think of Black Books, Greenwing, and Episodes (Tamsin Greig)
      Oldies but goodies.

      Have fun!

      1. WFH2020*

        Thank you! I have watched several on your lists and I’ll check out those I haven’t watched.

        Does Bosch become more interesting? I’ve tried watching it but so far lose interest easily.

        1. Lena Clare*

          I think Bosch is the same as it was – if you didn’t like it at first, it probably wouldn’t grow on you!

          1. CC*

            If you were a “The Office” fan, watch “Space Force” on Netflix – it just came out this week & is basically The Office about space.

            1. Fikly*

              Netflix should hire you – your comment makes me way more interested in it than their description.

      3. ThatGirl*

        We just finished Crazy Ex Girlfriend and loooooved it. Derry Girls is brilliant and the Good Place is an all time favorite.

      4. Bibliovore*

        I have been watching upload and enjoying it. I have stayed at the resort featured as the virtual afterlife! Mohunk Mountain House!

      5. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

        I really enjoyed “Upload”. It’s not deep, but it was fun.

        (And if you like “Upload”, you may want to check out the Netflix movie “Code 8”)

    3. Jaid*

      Do you have a Roku? There’s different channels on there, like Pluto TV, which has its own channels. They have RiffTrax, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and old Dr Who episodes.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I’m not sure what kinds of shows you like, but I recently started watching Ozark on Netflix. I call it “research,” because my job at the bank is looking for people like the Byrdes (money launderers) and the people they associate with. :)

    5. migrating coconuts*

      We have netflix. I love The Crown, Call the Midwife, Schitt’s Creek and just binged my way through 3 seasons of Atypical.

    6. Morning reader*

      Not new, but I’ve been watching some old movies. We have the entire 20th century to chose from. I feel like I’m rounding out my film education. There are many lists so you can tailor to your own interests or gaps. I recommend Hitchcock in general but you might like old westerns or goofball comedies. Trigger warning: the racism and sexism in old films is often astonishing mostly in its air of normalcy, e.g. calling the porter “boy” when he’s getting bags off the train.

    7. Jules the 3rd*

      Just started “Space Force” on Netflix last night. The first episode was hilarious, the next three have been more low key. Steve Carrell is the new general in charge of getting Space Force off the ground.

      The whole first episode, I was sure this was done by the Best In Show team, there’s a lot of the actors from those movies in it and it’s the same kind of ‘ludicrous statements done with a straight face’ humor.

      Also on Netflix, if you’ve never seen Avatar: The Last Airbender, it’s great for people of all ages. I think it’s one of the top 3 TV series ever – my other two are M*A*S*H and The Wire, if that gives you a reference. Korra’s also good, and the Avatar team also did “The Dragon Prince”, which is a step above most fantasy series.

      1. GoryDetails*

        I’ll second AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER – I adored that series! The follow-on LEGEND OF KORRA was also good, though for me it didn’t have quite the same charm; still, they’re both far above most series (animated or not) in quality.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I put Space Force on my watch list, but haven’t watched yet. I’m not sure if I’ll like it since I usually don’t watch that kind of comedy, but I’m willing to give it a try. I like Steve Carrell.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        I’m so glad TLA is back; I never got to finish it before. Now I can, although it’s been so long I’m going to have to start over.

    8. Anonymouse*

      If you haven’t watched BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, I highly recommend it. It’s one of my favorite things ever.

      It starts slow, so if you find yourself bored starting from the pilot, I recommend skipping to the last episode of the first season, “Prophecy Girl” and going from there.

    9. TechWorker*

      It’s been out a while so you might have already seen it but I love ‘Elementary’ and there’s about a million episodes on prime.

    10. GoryDetails*

      My latest Netflix choices have included lots of reality shows, including:

      Sugar Rush: a timed competition with three stages, where people who complete the first tasks quickest get more time for the final, elaborate-cake challenge – but at the risk of falling short and being eliminated. Since people can start on the next phase before other teams have finished the first ones, sometimes a team will be well into their next task before the judges get around to rating the previous one, and some have been sent home even though they were almost finished with the final task. [I was intrigued to see an ad for a new Food Network show, Big Time Bake, which sounds like it has the same format as Sugar Rush; will probably tune in to that, though host Buddy “Cake Boss” Valastro isn’t my favorite of the cooking-show folk.]

      Blown Away: a Canadian series about competitive glass-blowing – great fun to watch, though with lots of jarring moments as somebody’s carefully-worked item shatters or droops. Some really amazing results here, including a very stylish set of Venetian glass taco holders!

      The Big Flower Fight: perhaps my favorite of the non-food-based reality series, this one pits teams of florists, landscape artists, and not-really-plant-people artists against each other to craft huge structures/sculptures/installations covered with plants (living, cut, or dried). Marvelous creations here, and I liked the teams and their interactions – whether battling over the most desirable plants or lending moral support after a setback.

    11. CTT*

      How do you feel about time travel and subtitles? Netflix has a German show called “Dark” that could be simplified as “Stranger Things but time travel” – the 80s and a missing child feature, but it’s a lot twistier. There are two seasons and the third and final season comes out at the end of the month.

      3. Elizabeth West*

        If you watch Dark, please watch it in German. The English dub is HORRIBLE. You’ll get a much better experience with the actors in the original language. This series is so good it’s worth learning to deal with subtitles if you’re not used to them

        Netflix defaults to the dub, so you’ll have to change it in settings.

        1. CTT*

          Yes! Also it’s just complicated enough that you really want to pay attention, and reading subtitles forces you to do that.

          1. rear mech*

            oh, interesting! we watched crummy English dub because it felt easier to look for visual clues and discuss what was going on without having to read at the same time. Processing differences I guess. But I will definitely re-watch with German audio.

    12. PX*

      There’s an online film festival streaming for the next week! Its on Youtube called WeAreOne and its basically all the major and some minor film festivals coming together to stream things that would otherwise have been shown in person. Might be fun to check out:

      Excerpt from BBC article:
      “It will feature contributions from pretty much every major film festival, including Cannes, Tribeca and Berlin, as well as some of the smaller festivals which don’t attract as much publicity.

      – There will be one single YouTube channel, broadcasting continuously from Friday 29 May until Sunday 7 June
      – The programme will consist of more than 100 films, including 13 world premieres and 31 online premieres
      – All films will be free to watch
      – There will only be one chance to see certain films, as they won’t remain online after their screening
      – It will be signposted where each film is from, and many will feature introductions from the respective festival directors
      “

    13. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Check out the international shows on Netflix! Money Heist (La Casa de Papel) was a massive hit in Spanish speaking countries. Also they have a nice selection of Korean romcoms (Boys Over Flowers! Goblin! Reply!) and dramas (Kingdom!) and some anime classics (Saint Seiya! Neon Genesis Evangelion! Robotech!) and and a coupler if new ones (Beastars! Dorohedoro!)

    14. Alston*

      We just binge watched The Great. It’s a “sometimes true” show about young Catherine the Great. Raunchy, beautiful sets, funny.

      If you like that then try Harlots, which i actually like even better. Set in the 1700s in London and is about women running brothels there. It is super dramatic and the outfits are gorgeous and I love it.

      Both are on Hulu.

    15. fposte*

      A general recommendation for those who like reality shows where people do things: SkyTV is doing on online Portrait Artist of the Week, based on their Portrait Artist of the Year series; in this case it’s a series of one-off paint-along episodes where a former winner/competitor paints a celebrity sitter over a videocall, while audience members who wish can paint the sitter at home; each week includes an overview of the previous week’s submissions and identifies the top three. There are art tips along the way, but as a non-painter myself, those are still very interesting and never go too far into the weeds for somebody just watching. It’s up on YouTube.

    16. Junior Dev*

      I’m enjoying a lot of things in the “kids’ show good enough for adults” genre. Netflix has Avatar: the Last Airbender (newly on the service), She-Ra (so good! So sparkly! LGBT characters!), The Dragon Prince (charming fantasy by one of the creators of A:tLA), and Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts (really pretty animation and excellent soundtrack).

    17. cat socks*

      Recently finished Dead to Me on Netflix. I’ve been watching Christina Applegate since Married With Children and she does a great job on this show.

    18. Elizabeth West*

      I’m working my way through Dark Shadows. Last time Netflix had it, they yanked it just as I got to the Barnabas 1795 storyline. This time, I’m watching on Hulu and I got much further. But they’re rotating episodes and I’ll lose this batch on Monday before I finish it. Fortunately, Tubi has all of them, I think. Amazon does too, but I don’t want to pay for Prime.

      Tee hee, I’ve been having some fun on Twitter and Facebook making silly memes with screenshots. This show is hilariously over-the-top.

      1. pancakes*

        A good friend of mine got me into Dark Shadows but he’s way ahead of me! Many of the episodes were directed by a woman named Lela Swift, who had a really interesting career — she started out in the secretarial pool at CBS.

      2. NightOwl*

        Ooh, another Dark Shadows fan!! I loved this show when I first came across it years ago. I do have Amazon Prime and found they have the first 6 seasons (way before the Barnabas storyline) and it’s cool to watch from the beginning. I don’t know how I’ll piece it all together but I’m going to try :)

        1. Liz*

          This is the actual beginning, beginning? I’ve caught bits and pieces of it here and there but it always seems like wherever it was on, it started in the middle of the series.

    19. Melody Pond*

      If you’ve never seen The Expanse on Prime Video, I highly recommend it. It’s a sci-fi show that is based much more in real science than most sci-fi shows – it’s got a lot of political intrigue, and the first season revolves around the disappearance of an heiress and is a little bit noir. Mr. Pond was in the navy, and he tells me that the space battles are extremely realistic – the weapons that are used are either already existing in the navy or are currently being developed. If you’re going to give it a try, and if it seems a little slow paced at first, I suggest at least getting through episode 4 in the first season before throwing in the towel on it.

      Fun fact – it was actually cancelled on the SyFy channel after three seasons, and Amazon Prime picked it up and produced its fourth season. The fourth season had a noticeably larger production budget – they really amped things up.

      Also, echoing all the recommendations for Avatar: The Last Airbender. I recently watched it all the way through, for the very first time – what a great animated show.

    21. Lady Alys*

      My spouse discovered “Kingdom” (a British show on AcornTV, not the show on Netflix right now), starring Stephen Fry as a small-town solicitor in coastal Norfolk. The scenery is stunning and the crimes are low-key, so it’s very soothing. Did I mention Stephen Fry?

    23. NaoNao*

      I strongly recommend ZeroZeroZero on Prime. TW for gory, violent content at times but the violence is telegraphed (it’s not sudden, usually) and you can fast forward or turn away.

      The show is AMAZING. The soundtrack, locations/shooting, cinematography, scripting, acting, plot, etc. All incredible. They pitch it as if Gabriel Byrne has a larger role than he does, but he’s in it, along with some major European and Latin American stars, all doing a great job.

      I binged it in two days and would have watched all 8 episodes in one night if I could have. 10/10.

    24. juliebulie*

      Parasite is available on Hulu. I recommend it. The more I think about it, the more I appreciate it.

    26. CastIrony*

      I know Monk is free on Prime, and I watched Downfall last week, when Amazon sent me a letter to complain that I wasn’t watching any of their videos.

      But nonetheless, I liked both.

    27. Kate Lathrop*

      The Good Fight on CBS – I believe the back episodes (seasons 1-3 may be on Netflix now?), Lucifer on Netflix, a second nod to Bosch (will admit I skipped last season so I need to pick it up with this new one), Jack Ryan on Amazon Prime Video, another nod to Ozark (very dark but very interesting), Space Force (only watched the first 2 episodes so far), Goliath on Amazon Prime Video.

    28. Pomona Sprout*

      I didn’t have anything to contribute when I first read this post, but earlier tonight I binge watched all 4 episodes of “Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich” on Netflix and found it riveting. The subject matter is (of course) disturbing and not everyone’s cup of tea, and I’m sure it would be triggering for some. Personally, I’m a true crime buff and can happily devour stuff that I know a lot of people would find extremely unappetizing, so ymmv.

      I knew the basic facts about Epstein but hearing so many of the survivors of his abuse tell their stories brought it all to life in a whole new way. The documentary was very well done, and I highly recommend it to those who are interested in the subject and are not totally put off by such fare.

      1. WFH2020*

        Thank you for posting your review. I saw it was in the “new” section and I’ve been wondering. I think I’ll check it out. It’s incredibly important that victims have a chance to tell their stories. Sounds like this series does that.

  5. Director of Alpaca Exams*

    Are there any good technologies for virtually singing together? Zoom assumes only one person should be audible at a time, and the lag can also be pretty bad. On Shavuot I attended a Zoom singing circle where one person was unmuted and everyone else sang along at home on mute, and it was still pretty wonderful but I miss singing in harmony so much.

    (Chag sameach to everyone who celebrated the holiday, and Shabbat shalom as well!)

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Chag sameach and Shabbat shalom to you also!
      I thought Zoom permitted multiple people to be un-muted at the same time, which would allow people to sing together…? But I could be wrong. My Zoom skills are still pretty basic.

      1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

        Even if multiple people are unmuted, Zoom will decide that one is “the speaker” and not transmit sound from anyone else. This is great for meetings where you want to avoid cross-talk! It’s not great for singing or praying in unison or harmony.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Ah, okay. I attended one online service and thought that I heard harmonizing, but it may have been only my own voice (not muted in my own home, ha ha) plus that of the leader.
          Interesting that Zoom is so single-speaker-focused. You’re right, it focuses a meeting but does not help choral/prayerful unity.

        2. Parenthetically*

          Also not great for Zoom dinner parties! Chatting always involves interrupting and verbal feedback and I HATED not being able to hear everything when we did a Zoom dinner party. There has to be a way!

        3. charlatan*

          That’s not been my experience – we can crosstalk if people are unmuted. There may be a setting change you could look at, although it wouldn’t do anything about the lag so it might be a moot point for you.

          1. Cat*

            Yeah I think the lag is the issue. I have a friend who’s a choir director and music teacher and she has not found a workaround.

    2. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      Short answer, not really.

      I work for a choral organization, and we’ve moved all of our rehearsals and programs online for the foreseeable future. What you’ve described is pretty much the way it has to work right now, and we’ve worked with as many of the options out there as we can.

      If you’re using Zoom, there are a few settings that can make the person singing sound better (i.e. not clip out their accompaniment or held notes, thinking they’re background noise), but that doesn’t change the fact that multiple people can’t really sing together. We got our groups to sing Happy Birthday on their first online rehearsal, just so they could see how it worked.

      The Zoom settings to change are:

      Audio settings -> Advanced -> Enable original sound
      And on the same screen: DISABLE “Suppress persistent background noise” and DISABLE “suppress intermittent background noise”

      Those settings make a huge difference for the person who’s actually making music.

      There are a few different programs working on solutions (Jam Kazaam is one), but they tend to require everyone to be on a hard-wired internet connection and are better suited for things like a band jam session than a choir with 50 people singing together. But if you’ve got a small group with the technical capability, they might be worth testing.

      Side note: all those virtual choirs you see are people recording their own part alone and then the audio and video files being edited together to create a choral performance. They’re wonderful, but definitely not as easy as “let’s just record our Zoom meeting.”

      1. Tau*

        Yeah, this is how my choir’s been doing it too. We did one virtual choir performance and that was a lot of work for the person who edited it together, too – definitely not something you can do quickly and listen together afterwards, as you say.

      2. WS*

        Yes, my nephew is in several musical groups at his high school, and they’ve had to “rehearse” by everyone recording their part to a metronome and sending it to the conductor/teacher who puts it all together. Fortunately we’re in Australia and he’s back at school now.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      In my experience, no. I am a choral singer and it’s been really, really hard. Our large symphonic chorus has opted for sing alongs and experiments, but Zoom has too many latency issues to make real singing together work.

      For me, being in the room together is something like 80% of the joy. It’s been pretty tough.

    4. Llellayena*

      Nothing available yet, though I understand there are systems in the works. Both of my choirs are running into the same issue. We did record a zoom happy birthday in one choir and the major difficulty is that everyone has a different speed connection so the sound doesn’t line up.

    5. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

      If you really want to dig down into this, you may want to investigate the misc game/voip technologies that are out there. Long story, but back around 2008 I was testing a Vivox system and had 10+ people singing Kumbaya together with no obvious lag.

    6. Observer*

      I think that Google meet allows more than one person to sing at a time. (Not everyone thinks that it’s a feature – they consider it a bug.)

  6. Jean (just Jean)*

    Interesting experiment. Here’s my question, inspired by Alison’s comment that Laurie (formally, Theodore Laurence; formerly Shadow) has been part of her household for 11 weeks:

    AAM readers, what have you learned during the past 11 weeks? Or, what areas have you identified as ones in which to do more learning/build your skills/increase your knowledge? I’m interested in all areas of life: psychological, spiritual, care for self or others, practical life skills, social policy/civic engagement. In keeping with Alison’s preferences, let’s avoid partisan politics.

    My own quick answers: I am learning (again!) to strengthen my willpower and ability to implement personal and professional routines (ahem–typing well after midnight!). I am learning to rely more on my inner resources when I feel lonely or unable or unwilling to solve a problem. The pandemic and quarantine have focused these challenges, but they predate the coronavirus of 2020.

    Alison, if this is too personal feel free to delete and I’ll post again after getting some sleep.

    1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I’ve learned which of my friends are in homes where they feel safe and comfortable, and which are not, and just how lucky I am to be stuck with people I’m genuinely happy to see every day.

      I’ve learned a great deal about helping a child deal with trauma. We’re very fortunate that no one in our immediate circle has been direly ill or died, but everyone in my house got sick (no sympathies, please, I’m just so glad it’s over and we’re all better!), and that was very scary for our preschooler. Plus there’s the weirdness and awfulness of no school no playgrounds no playdates no Gramma no sitters etc. We have been talking and talking and talking some more, and validating all the feelings even when we have to say “I know you’re really mad and scared but it’s still not okay to hit me/throw that/pull the cat’s tail, what’s a safe way to express that feeling instead?”, and talking about strength and resilience and how we can take care of our neighbors and take care of our bodies, and it’s really very hard but I think it’s working. All the honest talking about feelings helps the grown-ups too. I’d still prefer, you know, not having the trauma, but every life has trauma in it sooner or later, and I feel really good about starting our kid out with a strong foundation of skills for getting through it.

      I learned that I’m happiest and most motivated as part of a team that’s collaborating on something. (Which may eventually lead to me job-hunting if I don’t start feeling like that at work soon.)

      I learned that when I’ve just gotten over being sick, I tend to try to make up for lost time and do everything I couldn’t do when I was sick, and that’s really not good for my RSI.

    2. Vic tower*

      I’ve learned a lot about leadership and that I have more potential to lead than I had previously considered. I’ve also learned to delegate better.
      On the negative side, I’ve learned how biting “mum guilt” can be (still only 27weeks but it’s kicked in) and that I need to guard against it very carefully to avoid getting jealous of others!

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve learned that I need human interaction more than I thought I did. I’m an introvert, but it doesn’t mean I hate people. It just means I want to go home and recharge after work or being out with friends and family by reading a book or watching TV or just hanging out with my husband or the cats.

      Between having two surgeries, the pandemic, and working from home, I’ve been home-bound since March 3 and it SUCKS. I was fine until probably mid-April since I was concentrating on recovery and pain management, but then I started to really miss being able to just go to the store and browse around, go out to dinner with a friend or drop by their house, and be in the office and chat with coworkers. Sure, I’ve been out here and there–pharmacy, grocery store, food pickup, doctor’s appointments, and physical therapy–but it’s not nearly enough. Last week a friend came over and we hung out on the patio for a few hours and it was so nice. I also went to another friend’s house and we sat on the deck with her puppies for a couple hours. I felt human again.

      1. i heart salt*

        I have learned that I am TERRIBLE in quarantine! I am an extrovert & at my job, I went from seeing 600+ people a day to just my husband. Let’s just say that it is not helping our marriage. I also learned that I can walk 2+ miles a day, so I have that!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’m terrible at quarantine, too, and I’m not an extrovert. I’ve seen people posting how they’re loving being forced to stay home alone or with just one other person, but I absolutely hate it.

      2. LeahS*

        Yes, I have learned this about myself too. I had joked that I was training for quarantine all my life. I’ve always been outgoing and made friends easily but needed a lot of time to myself. Since I’ve been laid off, and even when I was working from home before that, I have released that I need outside interaction a lot more than I thought!!

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      We bought a house, so one phase of things has ended and a new one is beginning. It was really hard on Boyfriend because he worked all morning, ran out and looked at houses over his lunch hour, came back and worked again til six and then saw another couple houses after work, came home and fell into bed. I never thought I would get tired of looking at houses. (laugh)

      I’ve gotten more comfortable with my skills and on being able to say, “Yes, I am that organized, yes, I am patient, yes, I am compassionate and caring.” and I’m way more comfortable talking to my partners and asking for support and help.

      And now I’m going to go research what to plant in a shaded bird garden. Cause the new house has a big sunroom on the back, and the cats will be THRILLED. I may never get them in any other room of the new house!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Interesting question. I think I was surprised by how I was more put together than I thought I would be in a crisis. Short version: I identified some strengths that I was able to use to help myself and others near me. It was pretty cool because I saw the help coming back to me when I needed it. (Something life has shown me NOT to take for granted. So this was a huge gift for me.)

      @Jean. I have often thought you were just a sleeper cell of strength. I am glad you are better able to see that on your own. Of course, I am sorry you had to go through this to see it.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >a sleeper cell of strength

        I am struck by your vocabulary and appreciate the comment. Thank you. (The inner comedian says: Better than a sleeper cell of …. unsolicited and loud advice? sanctimonious pronouncements? more heat than light?) As for hard times, they find most of us sooner or later. There’s also a huge difference between difficulties created by chance and those constructed by deliberate (or inattentive) human injustice. My challenges result from the former.

    6. Keymaster of Gozer*

      I’ve learnt I can survive and even claw my way back from losing my mind. Now, I don’t say this for sympathy, I say it with pride. When you’ve faced the worst of yourself and survived I think it’s a strong moment.

      On a far lighter note, I’ve learnt my cat is incredibly happy at having his humans here 24/7, although he’s taken to thinking it means more food (no. He’s a chunky boy, was when we got him as a rescue) and developed a new habit of jumping on certain bits of husband unit to get his attention in the early hours.

      Also, everything is covered in cat hair now. Everything.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        (William is a tuxedo cat who doesn’t respond to the name the shelter gave us either. We tried William Catner (that’s now his name on his chip) but no. Now we call him ‘Kirk’. That works)

    7. Trixie*

      I’ve always appreciated living alone and having my own space but it’s taken on a whole new meaning in 2020. I’m living in a rental which is by no means perfect but it’s spacious for one person. Spending so much at time at home at least allows me to use different spots of the house more often. While not huge (at all), there is a designated WFH/online study space and a dining room space used for storage/triage. If I can decide on a sofa/couch, I’ll be able to use the living room more often for relaxing/reading which I often do in the bedroom. (Instead of just sleeping which is my goal.) Also, a couch of some kind would allow for family/friends to stay over when conditions allow. No tv in the living room either but I’m thinking maybe just a monitor connected to a laptop?

      I’ve also learned good habits need regular reinforcement. For me, that means food prep (keep health items handy), daily movement, and organizing/purging. While local donations may still be on pause, I see a couple neighbors leave items curbside with a “Free” sign. I may try this and see how it goes.

      1. Trixie*

        This is all to say I’ve learned to become grateful for what I have and not stress on what I don’t.

    8. Nicki Name*

      I restarted a personal project connected to one of my hobbies, discovered that the reference material I really need is all in French, and so I’ve been learning French through Rosetta Stone.

      (I know there are other apps out there that are more gamified/better for picking up conversational skills– but I’m not looking to have fun conversations with people so much, I need to be able to read college-level texts.)

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        I’ve decided to start learning Russian, so I can hopefully read lots more of nuclear history. Your comment has inspired me.

      2. LifeBeforeCorona*

        My neighbours spend a lot of time in their backyard and I’m picking up Cantonese by osmosis. After a few months I’ve picked up the rhythm of the language.

    9. Disco Janet*

      That I need to stop letting outside forces have such an impact on my mentality. This is easier said than done, of course, but I naturally tend to ruminate on things that upset me, whereas something good, I appreciate it for a moment and then it kinda just fades. I’m working to make a conscious decision to flip those two!

    10. Jackie*

      I have learned how stress moves through and affects the brain. I have learned how the amygdala hijacks the brain to flight, fight, or freeze when under stress and that I can lessen this by meditation.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I learned that exercise helps the immune system short term. Like having cleaners swoop through for a short period each day. So I can’t rely on the exercise I got last month to help me on that front this month.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Just this morning, we were talking about uncertainty in my meditation group (I’ve been able to join them online) and this weeks’ facilitator brought up something I’d been kind of drifting away from: thinking about uncertainty not as a negative thing, but as possibility. She brought up this story (copied from katinka hesselink dot net):

      There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.

      “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

      “Maybe,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.

      Another participant pinpointed this as equanimity in the face of all the maybes—that is, all the possibilities—and keeping the focus on the present. I found this really helpful. I’ve been slipping toward thinking that the present situation will last forever (it won’t) and I have no possibilities (I do).

      So that’s what I learned today.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I like this. I find that a lot of the things I can stress about are long-term, and feeling extreme angst about them right now does not actually address them in any useful way.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        >thinking about uncertainty not as a negative thing, but as possibility
        Yes, this is a very helpful way to re-frame a frustrating situation. Thanks for sharing it.

      3. Floof*

        Elizabeth, my dad told me this story during our father-daughter dance at my wedding, preceded by the statement that marriage is full of ups and downs. He was fond of saying, “Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?!”

      4. Keymaster of Gozer*

        My dad has just leant me a book on Taoism, saying it’s helped him during this (I leant him my dragon age manuals in return).

    12. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Somewhere between learned and confirmed: getting outdoors is important, even when I can’t go anywhere. Walking up and down the driveway with a bandanna tied over my nose and mouth does me more good than getting the same exercise in our apartment, without the bandanna.

      And I am practicing being as kind to myself as I am to other people, and also giving other people as much slack as I need. A friend of mine phrased this as “treat your body like an old dog you love, with gentleness and understanding that it can’t do everything you want.”

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I love that old dog analogy. As someone who thought I would be dealing with an ongoing disabling health condition this winter, but then I got cancer.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      That if I won’t make time for it when my life is quasi-normal, I won’t suddenly tackle it when my life turns quieter and I have time to fill. (Had already learnt this, but re-confirmed.)

      That most sit-still meditations don’t work for me, but if I do something–yoga, art–I get into the flow and don’t detour off to The Present Situation. Exception for the warm blanket meditation, in which you picture a warm blanket (or soothing lake, when it’s already hot) slowly being pulled up your body. For some reason this works for me where trying to relax the muscles doesn’t.

      I don’t even know if this is true, but I read an internet comment that quietly resting your body and mind, even if you can’t fall asleep, has a lot of the benefits of sleep. So the next time I couldn’t sleep, rather than spiral in frustration at how desperately tired I was, at which my mind comes up with other things I find frustrating, I just: zone absently and try not to look at the clock. So much better for my blood pressure.

    14. RagingADHD*

      I have learned how to use the yogurt setting on my instant pot. Yes, for awesome yogurt, but also for fermenting sourdough, rising bread, bringing ingredients to room temp, etc.

      I learned that the layout of my 1950s kitchen was actually designed accordng to ergonomic research by the USDA in the forties, and rationalized my cabinets to take advantage of it.

      I learned how to use the diagnostic codes on my washer and clean out the pump filter

      I learned that I enjoy interactive fiction way too much for my own good.

      1. Floof*

        RagingADHD, do you have any recommendations for another 1950s kitchen owner to learn about the 1950s USDA ergonomic research? I would LOVE to optimize mine.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Yes! My daughter was watching retro stuff on Youtube – look up “A Step Saving Kitchen 1949” from the US National Archives. That will lead you to various other documentation.

          We don’t have all the nifty built-ins, but the overall approach to setting up stations was really helpful.

    15. Wishing You Well*

      I learned I can cut hubby’s hair without drawing blood! (It wasn’t ouch-free, though!)

    16. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I really hate to say it — all the other comments here are so thought-provoking and eloquent – but I honestly think I’ve learned nothing from this!

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Perhaps you have already attained a significant level of calm, enlightenment, or happiness? No problem with any or all three. :-)

        1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

          I know you mean well, but no. That is kind an obnoxious response. This is an awful situation for a lot of people.

          1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

            …after thinking about it a little more, my response to yours was the obnoxious one. But this is definitely not an 11 weeks I’m keen to repeat anytime soon and it’s hard to see any silver linings here.

            1. Natalie*

              For whatever it’s worth I think one can have learned something and still rather not do it again. I’m in that boat – I have a 6 week old that doesn’t breastfeed well, so I have learned an enormous amount about pumping. Which I still kind of hate, and is sucking op my life in a way I am not keen to repeat. I’ll probably be grateful for this knowledge whenever I’m physically back in the office, but if I could trade it for my daughter being able to latch normally I absolutely would.

      2. Pommette!*

        I feel the same way. I was already pretty isolated before the CoVID-19, so that hasn’t changed… and I have been lucky in that my job and family responsibilities weren’t changed by the pandemic.
        I just feel like a confused, useless, spectator.

    17. knead me seymour*

      I think the main thing I’ve learned is how important activism is to me, and I’m really motivated to re-dedicate myself to it. Helplessness about the state of the world has been an increasing source of stress, and I think actively resisting, and spending more time with other people who are committed to the same values, can only help.

    18. Kiwi with laser beams*

      So for those who have heard of the Les Mills exercise classes, those are from New Zealand. During the strictest part of New Zealand’s lockdown, they put a few of their workouts on free-to-air TV, and the TV channel put them on its on-demand app. After using those, I found that they have a whole app with all their classes, and that solved a big problem for me. I had been having trouble finding time to go to the gym when I was busy with work, which was causing problems with my health, so being able to do the exercises at home has been a major game changer for me.

    19. Dancing Otter*

      I learned to use a bias tape maker to make ties for masks. I also learned it is still possible to burn oneself using a bias tape maker, though not as much as when folding the fabric myself.

      I learned that cats can tell time, and do not have snooze buttons. Being able to see the tiniest bit of the bottom of the food bowl (At daybreak!) is clearly a portent of imminent death by starvation, and must be remedied instantly.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I learned that because my family has no will power when it comes to chocolate…and I have no will power when it comes to frosting… devil’s food cake disappears immediately. I haven’t had a chocolate migraine in years, but I did this week!

  7. Thanks to Caroline Bowman...*

    … for the recommendation of the rebounder mini trampoline! I got one this week and it’s fantastic. My joints don’t hurt as much at all.

    And thanks to Falling Diphthong also for the rec of Pilates.

    Lena Clare.

    1. Alston*

      My husband used to have a mini trampoline at his standing desk. He got to gently bounce while the code compiled and apparently it was much ore pleasant than just standing all day.

    2. LemonLyman*

      Thanks for the tip! I have terrible joints, too. Any tips or suggestions for use.

  8. Reduce debt or save cash?*

    I have very limited funds right now and I am unsure what to do with the money I have budgeted. I know the general advice is to pay off debt first but I am also loath to part with any cash. 

    Is there an online calculator that shows if you do x task your score goes up by y amount in z time? I did a quick google search and found some advice on raising credit by 100 points in 30 days. Some of them did seem to be paid services so I’m hesitant on using that. I’ve also seen ads on my social media for services that help reduce your credit card debt.

    As of last month my credit score was 650+. Fortunately i have help with major living expenses as I live with my family. I have a little bit of income from project work and birthday cash. I want to move out this year and I know I will need good credit and cash to rent a desirable place. 

    I have about 4 months of living expenses saved up including potential rent. I have 3 credit cards with a combined balance of around $4000. The total limit is $6000. Minimum payments are $35-50, but I was always paying $150+ so at least 3x the minimum. I guess the only thing I’m stuck at is that I am just a little unsure as to how quickly my score would improve. I could tap in to my savings and clear all my CC debt but I am very reluctant to part with any cash while I am not working.

    1. Natalie*

      I wouldn’t focus on your credit score at all if I were you. Mainly because your financial decisions should be driven by your needs and values. Your score is in the fair to good range, so probably not an impediment to renting an apartment. But also, there’s little action that you could be sure will have this or that effect, since credit scores are proprietary calculations, and they usually work on longer timelines. (Definitely don’t pay anyone making these kind of promises.)

      When you say you could tap into your savings, is that the 4 months of living expenses? Or are those separate piles?

    2. So Not The Boss Of Me*

      You are doing this right and it will pay off!
      The paid services will tell you the same thing you can read in any good article. And many others are scams. Please don’t part with any cash in their direction, RDOSC.
      Search for “how is credit score calculated” and you’ll learn all you need to know. 100 points in 30 days is unrealistic. You can also contact any– or all– of the big 3 (Equifax, Experian & Transunion) to ask how they calculate scores and general improvement strategies. Don’t ask about your situation specifically, they will not answer that. They may also have this info on their websites.
      One thing I do know is that your debt to credit limit ratio is way too high at 67%. Just getting that down will make a huge diff.
      Do any of your credit cards show you your credit score? Not a paid extra, but available to all customers when you log in online. If so, click on that. It will tell you the good and bad about your score. Keep in mind there are multiple diff scores that vary a bit.
      Once a year, go to annualcreditreport.com and get your free report. Then check the option to pay the 10 bucks to get a detailed report from one of the big 3 and learn to read it. If there are mistakes, apply to have them fixed. If you have made mistakes, learn not to. The more you learn the better your score will be. Again, don’t pay to learn, it’s all on reputable (reputable!) sites. You can improve your score yourself and learn so much in the process. BTW, I just read that anything from 700 up is now considered very good. Which means you are closing in on it.
      One last thing. Don’t let minor fluctuations bother you. My credit score is hella good, I don’t owe anybody anything, and my ratio is 2 to 4%. And every month they find a “reason” to change the score by 2 to 10 points. Lol. Go with the general flow, live long and well!

      1. Wehaf*

        The credit reporting agencies have all moved temporarily to one free report per week, instead of one per year.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Ignore the credit score – what’s your interest rate? How much are you paying in interest per month?

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Also, what’s the rate and outstanding amount per card? Could you pay one card off? Does one card have a higher rate?

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          Yes this. Look at how much $$ you are handing over to your credit card company each month, and try to reduce *that*. Doing so will help your credit score too, but your best metric is how much $$ you are giving away in interest.

          btw, 650’s a fine score for renting an apartment, especially if you’re young. Anyone who denies you an apartment based on that credit score is looking for an excuse not to rent to you and would probably be a crappy landlord.

    4. Bob*

      This comes down to your monthly income, whether your job is secure, your expenses, your living situation, your interest rates, and not adding to your debt. Do not add to your debt as it is easier to avoid debt then it is to pay it off.
      Cut your expenses to the bone, discretionary should trend towards zero (not that i dismiss frugality fatigue).
      If you delay moving out each month represents a relatively high proportion of your debt. Just the rent savings would multiply your payment schedule. A couple months delay could take out 1/4 or more of your debt.
      Is your living situation secure? I don’t mean financially but if there are personality conflicts or worse going on that affects the calculus as well.
      Without having numbers i can’t give you the exact recommendations you want, i would need to know your income, your total expenses, your expected rent and more, which you probably don’t want to post online.
      Finally covid throws a monkey wrench, you may not be able to easily find a place right now, you may have some stimulus money coming in, your job may not be as secure as you think, you might be able to apply for interest forgiveness or deferral?

      1. Bob*

        I also forgot to mention reducing your interest rate, a line of credit may have a lower rate than your credit cards (or a balance transfer promotion). But can you get these since you did not mention having them now (plus Covid likely makes new instruments harder to get).
        Finally getting out of debt is one thing but its common to reaccumulate the debt in the future, once you have it paid off make sure your budget is sustainable so that you not only avoid more debt, your savings (and retirement investing) is underway starting immediately.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Until you get back to work, continue on as you have been. Don’t spend your nest egg on cleaning up credit cards until you know you have more coming in. Your reluctance to spend cash is spot on.

    6. I don’t post often*

      Hi. I don’t know your situation. Here is my advice. 1) don’t concentrate on the credit score. When you say you want to move out, assume you mean renting instead of buying. If you are thinking of buying, yes you will have a significantly better interest rate if your credit score were 750 instead of 650, but raising that score in 30 days probably isn’t doable. 2)pay down the credit card debt. 3) Find a good credit card payment calculator. (This can be found online. Here is one. I just googled “credit card payment calculator. https://www.bankrate.com/calculators/managing-debt/minimum-payment-calculator.aspx ) No idea what your interest rate is, but let’s say 18%. Paying the minimum payment, you will pay an additional $5,000 in interest (put another way, you will pay $5,000 in addition to the $4,000 you owe) and it will take you over 200 (16 years) months to pay off. Making more than the minimum payment saves you significant cash BUT and this is KEY
      3) DONT CHARGE MORE ON THE CARD. If you are constantly charging money, but paying less than the amount you charge, you are essentially allowing the bank to loan you money at 18% every month.

      Now here is the kicker: perhaps you do actually need something. Let’s say your hot water heater breaks. That’s $1,000 and you only have $900 in savings. In that situation, it might make sense to float the $100 on the credit card to the next month knowing full well the interest you will pay.
      But what is actually “needed”. Many people I talk to in this situation are buying lunch every day and putting on their card. Lunch out 5 days a week, for the whole month is more than $150 per month.

      4) take a look at your expenses. What are you charging to the card? Do you need that? If so, what can you do to pay it off every month? If there isn’t anything you can do to move your expenses and you still need to put money on the card that you can’t pay off every month, you may need to rethink moving out.
      I realize this was long. I’m super passionate about this because many people don’t think this through, and simply don’t realize the money in interest every month.

    8. BRR*

      Im echoing others in don’t focus on your credit score. A credit score is a poor indicator of financial health and really only comes into play for a few events like buying a home or car. If you’re not working and have a four month emergency fund I would hold onto that money. Maybe throw a little extra at the highest interest debt but there’s no telling how long a job search will take.

    9. Koala dreams*

      It’s great that you are saving money to move out. Moving costs, a deposit, the first few utility bills… You will need to have cash on hand. If you do feel the credit card payments are too high, look at the interest rates and fees. Often it’s better to pay down/off the credit card with the highest interest. After that is paid off, you can save the money you would have spent on the regular payments. Of course, without a regular income it’s hard to save anything.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      Normally, I would say to take 1 month of the living expense and pay towards your debt.
      However, given the shaky nature of jobs right now, I say to keep that 4 months, as you might need it.

      But, a lot of this depends on your job situation. As we move back to reopening, if you feel more secure, then pay down the debt more with some of your savings.

    11. Bex*

      I would keep 2 months rent in the bank and use the rest to pay off or pay down the credit card debt. If you can’t pay it all, see if you can balance transfer everything to a card with a 0% promotional rate.

      IMO, there isn’t a huge difference in available cash/credit between the current scenario ($6K credit limit – $4K balance =$2K available credit and $X in the bank) and paying off the card with savings ($6K credit limit – $0 balance = $6K credit plus $X-$4K in the bank.) The very big difference is that you stop spending hundreds of dollars a month on interest.

    12. Dan*

      Ok, so having “BTDT” a little bit in the past…

      1. There are no silver bullets. Anybody promising quick and easy is a scam. Under no circumstances should you pay anybody any money. Many debt consolidation “services” will solicit payment from you and instruct you not to pay your original creditor, causing you to go into default (this is bad). At that point, they will step in and negotiate. This is a shady tactic. I lost a few hundred to one of these places before I wised up. They promised “we can get your rates lowered.” I said great! Then they said nobody would lower my rates, and that was after I paid a month’s worth of payments. They wanted auto-debit privileges from my bank. I cut that sh!t out ASAP.

      2. If you want to raise your credit score, pay your bills on time. You will need to get your utilization down, yours is super high. Try to get it under 30%. That’s the one thing you can do to get your score up ASAP. If you have stuff in collection, don’t pay it. That might be controversial advice from an ethical standpoint, but the thing is, paying stuff in collection doesn’t help your score. The record still exists (even with a $0 balance) and the record itself is the killer. By law, the bad record will fall off 7 years after “last activity”, and payment actually counts as activity. After a certain period (depending on your state) the statute of limitations prohibits collection on the debt anyway. Also, to keep your score up, keep new account applications to a minimum.

      3. Whether or not you should pay down your balances with savings is all about your interest rate. If it’s low, I’d let it be. If it’s high, then I’d think about paying it off more aggressively. Even then, I would pay less attention to the rate, and more attention to the total interest payments. As a starting point, just look and see how much interest you paid last month. At an 18% APR on your balances (not unusual) you’d be paying $60/mo in interest, or $720 for the year. In that case, see if you can find a 0% APR balance transfer, which will generally come with a 4% fee. So you’d be paying $160 to transfer the balance.

      Here’s what I’d say about paying down an 18% card or letting it ride. The longer you let it ride, the longer you pay interest. That $720 a year is real and will eat through your savings anyway. So really, you’re holding on to the cash in the bank for a true emergency, in which case your plan is to… not pay the credit cards and let them go into default, or pay the minimum and let your balances pile up.

      When I re-read you post, my overall advice is to pay off the balances before moving out. You don’t seem like you’re in a position to pay rent *and* pay don’t your credit cards. If “project work and birthday cash” isn’t enough to pay down CC balances without negatively affecting your savings balance, then adding rent to that is a financial disaster waiting to happen.

    13. RagingADHD*

      The only way for any kind of service to reduce your cc debt is to make you a consolidation loan. It is highly unlikely that this will improve your situation. Your credit score is not in a range that should be a problem for renting. Your income history / proof of steady income is more likely to be relevant.

      You are not in a position to contemplate buying now, regardless of credit score. Buying a home involves many, many additional costs in the short term, and a mortgage would be far harder to meet than your cc payments.

      What’s going to happen with your living expenses when you move out, besides rent? Is your family going to help with food, utilities, phone, transportation, etc etc?

      How steady is your income, and would it cover your full expenses on a monthly basis if you were living on your own? If it’s project work, I’d recommend looking at your track record over the past year to see if annual income would cover a year’s worth of expenses.

      When you move out, if you have no further family support and spotty income, that 4 months if savings is going to disappear in a lot less than 4 months, because there are always unanticipated expenses.

      If you are safe and your living situation is stable, I’d recommend throwing all but $1k onto that debt, and then paying it off ASAP.

      You will be able to replenish your savings so much faster without paying on that debt. And you will be in a far more sustainable situation long-term.

    14. Ronda*

      I just rented an apartment and they wanted to see proof of income…. so the not having a job is probably the biggest issue with getting approved for an apartment.

      For credit card paying down vs savings it is about how much interest you are paying. It is generally better to pay it down, (interest received on savings is much less than interest paid on debt). But if you have upcoming expenses, you might want to keep the savings for that. And with the no job = no income you will want to decide how much you need to keep in cash for future needs.

      and even tho I pay my credit cards off monthly, my credit score took a hit a few months after I lost my job, cause no more income. They find that stuff out.

    15. T. Boone Pickens*

      I would instantly transfer your credit card balances to ones with 0% interest rates for the first 12-18 months. You are getting absolutely killed with credit card interest.

      1. valentine*

        transfer your credit card balances to ones with 0% interest rates for the first 12-18 months
        Yes. Then you can increase the payment by whatever the fees were, which should be worth the transfer fee. I don’t know if having them all on one card would work, and you might look into using a different zero-interest offer every year, as well as doing the math on whether it’s best to pay off your highest-interest or highest-balance card first. I would plot it all out on a spreadsheet.

    16. Imtheone*

      Besides the other good suggestions, some charities will take donations of property.

      But I second the suggestions of asking real estate agents to give you their best estimates of sales possibilities. If those choices don’t seem good, make sure to consult a real estate attorney. Walking away doesn’t end your responsibility for the property, so never do that. Better to consult the bank about a foreclosure or other end to the mortgage.

      As people have mentioned, almost all properties can be sold, at the right price.

    17. Jemima Bond*

      Unless the interest you are earning ($4000 of) your savings is significantly higher than what you are paying out to the CC company in interest, then get those cards paid off. I know you don’t want to part with cash but you are parting with more cash each month to the CC companies with all the interest you are paying out. Not clearing your CC balance can mean it takes cards a long time to be paid off and you’ll end up paying loads more in the long run. No need to be in persistent debt when you have the money.

    18. Moocow Cat*

      Make sure you’re paying the minimum balance on your credit cards. Try to pay a bit more on the highest interest rate card. Power paying debts will put more money in your pocket sooner.

    19. Anon for this*

      As someone who wracked up an appalling amount of credit card debt and spent years paying it off, I do have advice. I think I was you actually, because I had about $3k of credit card debt when I moved out that first time and if I had it to do over, I would do it very very differently because it went very very badly.

      Like everyone else here, I wouldn’t focus on the score. That’s really not crucial at the moment. At the worst point, I had an insane amount of debt and a really good score. I still have a really good score. Your score is probably more relevant if you’re buying a car or a mortgage and it doesn’t sound like that’s a concern at the moment.

      1. Going forward, try really hard not to put additional expenditures on your credit cards until they’re paid off. Use a debit card or buy the prepaid ones (with your debit card). Once you have paid off your cards, you can look into one that will give you cash back and as long as you can pay off the balance in full each month, you’re in a better place.
      2. Depending on what your balances are, I would either:
      a) Pick the one with the highest interest rate and pay off more on that one while doing minimums on the other two
      or
      b) If one of these has a smaller balance that you could pay off in 1-3 months, do that and pay the minimums on the other two. Once the one is paid off, start working on the other.

      I can’t tell if this would be your first time moving out or not, but if it is, you’re going to have far more expenses than you anticipate. If you can delay moving out till you get this paid off, I would.

      3. Lastly, always pay into your savings. This amount might be really low now, but get into the habit of doing that. I get a bonus or a raise, I up the amount that goes into that account. Always pay yourself first.

    20. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

      It seems like you’re asking about how to predict / up your credit score. I agree with others that a) there’s no good way to do this, and b) 650+ is probably okay.

      It would be nice to have more information, like: how much have you saved? What kind of income / expenses do you have now? How much do you expect to pay to move out to a new place? What kind of income / expenses will you have then?

      I don’t think you should pay off your CC debt from savings unless you’ve got at least 2x in savings. (Ie $8000 or more).

      I understand that people who want to move out often want to move out ASAP. But I think that if you can manage it, your best bet is to live at home (at minimal expense) and try to save and aggressively pay down your debt, for as long as you can.

      Otherwise: let me guess you’ve got $5000 in savings. It costs you $4000 to move out (high, but not unheard of). So you’re in your new place, with $1000 savings, $4000 in debt, and unknown income. Is this a situation you can live with?

    21. Alex*

      Unless you are in an abusive or otherwise intolerable situation living with your family, I *would not* move out until you have your debt paid off, plus 3 months of living expenses saved up *after* accounting for your moving expenses.

      I would sit down with your current income and figure out a budget for yourself as you are living now, and how much you can put towards debt/savings in the moment. How much you put towards debt vs. savings depends on your situation–if your family would be able to totally float you if you lost your income completely, I’d put more towards debt, since you are paying interest on that. Not knowing your circumstances, I can’t tell you exactly what to do, but I’d generally lean towards getting rid of debt if you have a guaranteed roof over your head, food to eat, and medical care. If you don’t have support from your family with those things, then yes, hold tighter to your cash (but still try to pay off as much as you can).

      The biggest obstacle towards getting a rental is going to be your job/income, not your credit score. Not all landlords even do a credit check, and it certainly won’t affect your rate or anything, like it does with a car and mortgage. If they do a credit check, they are looking for egregious stuff, like collections or really bad history. 650 is fine for a rental. And once you get rid of your debt, it will be much higher (keep making those payments on time!), since your used credit ratio is pretty high at the moment, and is probably what is keeping that score down. But nevertheless, the most important thing is having a steady paycheck to show a prospective landlord.

      1. Bob*

        Well put.
        If the OP posts their numbers i would trend towards what your saying, ideally one should have no debt and in this case they have a roof over their heads hence can likely pay off the debt first.
        As many have said credit rating is the small fish in this scenario, income vs expenses is what its all about, their job, their prospects in that job, their projected cost of rent (can they manage the 30% rule), their ability to stay out of debt, other expenses (car cell phone etc), student loans if any, medical expenses and so on.
        Its all about the numbers, and we are lacking many of them.

    22. Observer*

      As others have said, your credit score is not your biggest issue. Even in terms of moving, job history is going to be more important. But, in any case, getting your CC debt under control is probably the single biggest thing you can do to get you score up.

      Do not touch your savings – if something goes wrong that will be your lifeline.

      Also, skip the services that purport to improve your credit score. At best, they are a waste of money in your situation, at worst, they are a scam.

      Unless things are really bad, consider waiting to move till your CC debt is at least down to $1,000. See if you can transfer at least one of your cards to a card that has 0% interest for 12 months, because that will save you significant money that you can use to pay down your hing interest debt.

      I’m not going to suggest that you get rid of your credit cards. But, it’s worth rethink what card(s) you have and how you use them. When you have debt, low interest is you best bet. When you’ve got the card(s) paid down or to a low level, fees should be the thing you try to avoid. Also, all other things being equal, points are good.

      Lastly, if you do have any sort of rewards program on your card, keep using your card – with one caveat. Make sure you pay off your card before the interest kicks in. Either pay off your card as soon as the charge is authorized, or at the end of each month. This way you can get the points, but don’t rack up interest.

  9. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Hello Lovely Community,
    I have been jogging! I managed to crack the 3km boundary yesterday, and I am very pleased. I know many of you runners are much farther along, and I’m always encouraged by that–that means that maybe I could do that too someday!

    What are you proud of this week?
    I hope you are all having a great day! The weather here is beautiful.

    1. LGC*

      Congrats, and keep going! I’m just wondering – how many days a week are you running?

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! :) As for your question: that’s a really hard one to answer. It depends quite a bit on the weather, how much time I have available and some health stuff–like how much sleep I’ve gotten and what my energy level has been like all week. This last week was a great one for me: I went out four times. Often I only manage two, but my goal is to be at three on average. I’m still experimenting with what works. Most of the time I’m not even looking at distance–just celebrating going at all. That frame of mind has helped me actually establish jogging as a habit.

        1. TechWorker*

          3 times a week is great! I think it’s worth remembering to give your body rest days so you don’t injure yourself – but that also depends how hard you’re pushing yourself when you’re out. I did not get out this week as I had headaches for quite a bit of it but hope to get out this weekend! The weather is lovely at the moment :)

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            I’m sorry to hear about your headaches! I hope they get better soon. Stuff like that happens to me, too, and I’ve even had weeks this spring where I can’t go at all. But here’s to getting back on the bandwagon when things get better!

            And yes, I totally agree about rest! My husband does one day on and one day off during the work week, but he is very good at pushing himself. I think I am more cautious, so I’m experimenting with a different schedule: Monday and Tuesday go running, Wednesday rest, Thursday and Friday go running and then I get the weekend off. So far that worked last week extremely well–I felt like I kept up my get-out-and-do-it momentum but with enough rest to not be stiff…but the real test will be this coming week. And maybe this will all change if I really start to be able to go longer distances and thus longer runs.

        2. LGC*

          You actually have…a healthier approach than I do to jogging or running (two names for the same thing). You’re doing things exactly right – three times a week is probably the sweet spot to start out with, and time is more important than distance.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      That’s awesome! I’m doing a guided run through Runkeeper – “My first 5K”! I’m half way through the six week program, and yesterday was the longest so far: 1 min walk, 1 min run x 20. I was worried I wouldn’t manage it, and I went slower than I was hoping, but it ended up going by faster than expected. Now I’m looking forward to longer running intervals. It’s a 3x weekly program, but I’m giving myself 3 days off between runs to prevent shin splints and get my other workouts in. So far it seems to be working, just have to get up early enough before the heat kicks in!

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh that sounds really interesting! I’ve never done a guided run before–do you mind telling me more about what that is and how it helps you?

        And congrats on going for it! Keep up the good work! :)

        1. Pharmgirl*

          I’m actually really enjoying it – and I used to hate running! Before quarantine I used to go to orange theory, and the coaches there would tell you when to walk, when to run, when to add incline on the treadmill, etc. And I really liked having that guide – I tried running on my own when lockdown started and felt lost on what to and how to pace myself properly.

          So I googled and found the runkeeper app – it has a free version you can try too. They have different running programs (or I believe you can customize your own). They create the workout for you, and all you do is press play. There’s a coach that tells you when to walk and when to run. I think there’s also different features you can have the coach highlight, like pace, mileage, time, etc. The one I’m doing is I think their shortest program – but they have guides from the 5K all the way up to a marathon, and the option to customize workouts as well on their paid version. I highly recommend it for anyone whose new to running – I actually enjoy running now!

    3. Trixie*

      For those new or regular runners/walkers, have you also found insoles to make a difference? My shoes are decent but feel the insoles that came with are not that supportive or as cushioned as I like. I’m happy to invest in them but never decided on a brand or style.

    4. Angstrom*

      Congratulations!
      One thing you might want to try is alternating short intervals of jogging and walking, or what used to be known as “scout’s pace”. You go a fairly small number of steps at each pace — usually 30-60 — and then switch. You DON’T jog until you get tired and then walk. The point is to cover distance at a faster average speed than walking. The distance you can cover this way can be a real morale booster, and it helps you get used to jogging longer distances.

  10. House issues*

    Has anyone ever just abandoned a home? I live in a home that has about $100k worth of repairs needed and my spouse and I are not in a position to afford the repairs nor maintain the property any longer. I would love to leave and start fresh somewhere while I fear spouse is getting into depression as owning a home was very important to them. Over 5 years we’ve spent $150k on mortgage payments, repairs and construction and it feels heartbreaking to leave that all behind with nothing to show for it. 

    The house was built in 1950. Medium-heavy rainfall causes our basement to flood every single time. Occasionally the kitchen sink will clog the first floor shower. The 2nd floor floors are tilted now even though there is less furniture on them. Our house is sinking in the middle so whenever neighbors on both sides wash their driveways or water their garden, all the water comes on to our property. We have no real driveway and rely on street parking on which our vehicles have been vandalized and destroyed multiple times. 

    Recently, we called a plumber and contractor to help with the plumbing issues and they quoted us $30k+ for mold removal and plumbing. We called our insurance but they never responded to us and we read in the policy that outside rainfall isn’t covered, nor is negligence so we are likely to be denied. To have someone do a “fix” outside of insurance is $5k which we cannot afford.

    This home was “given” to us by my in-laws who lived here for 40 years prior. They are no longer here but they always gave us a hard time for not maintaining the property well but we did the best we could within our health limitations. While home ownership was never as important to me as it was to my spouse, I would love to move to a nice neighborhood and buy a nice, albeit small, property where spouse and I can begin our lives. I fear we will never be able to have a good life here.

    Hoping that this is OK to post as there are elements of venting in here but truly seeking a little guidance and definitely open to suggestions. 

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Have you looked into selling it? You probably will not make any kind of profit but you might at least get some money for it. I would investigate and make sure you wouldn’t be legally liable for anything if you just abandoned it.

    2. So Not The Boss Of Me*

      I knew someone who went to the bank and signed over their house. They lost the investment but once the papers were signed they had no more obligation. They were very happy to get out. That was the first I ever heard about it. If the bank doesn’t cooperate, call your state and federal reps because they know what you can do.
      If you just leave you will still owe taxes and could be liable for injuries or local rules. If the authorities knock the place down they bill the present owner.
      With the health issues I’d consider renting for a while to get on your feet better. It’s very freeing not to own. You might find it allows you to concentrate on things that are helpful to you.
      I hope whatever you do works out well for you. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

      1. Katefish*

        This is 100% right – call your bank and ask for a deed in lieu (i.e. returning the house). Ask for the loss mitigation department and then ask for a deed in lieu. If legal title doesn’t transfer, you’ll still be on the hook for fines/taxes after you move out. Good luck!

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Haven’t used them personally but there are businesses like the We Buy Ugly Houses guys who buy places as-is to flip. I think you generally get bottom dollar but it might not be otherwise sellable with the required disclosures (unless you sell as-is, can talk to a local realtor). Better to do either of those than abandon it which might leave you with legal or financial liability.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        We Buy Ugly Houses is the only legit one that I’m aware of; I looked into this for my property. You will not get near what you want for it by going through them.

        Bottom line, if you dump it, you’re likely to come out with a ding no matter what. You probably won’t make much on a sale unless the property itself is really desirable in some way. But the feeling of being out from under it is worth it.

        I second the recommendation to talk to a realtor. I sold my crappy house as is; other people do it; it can be done.

    4. Lcsa99*

      I also think you should be concerned about liability, and try to sell it As-Is. Dep

      1. Lcsa99*

        Sorry, wasn’t done typing that. Dumb phone

        Depending on where you live, I think you can at least get back the $150k you’ve lost, and maybe get enough so you can get a deposit for a new home that isn’t a money pit.

        Whatever you decide, good luck!

        1. Wehaf*

          Given serious foundation and mold problems, the chances of them getting anything over lot value are extremely slim. Saying “I think you can at least get back the 150k you’ve lost” seems unwarranted.

          1. Lcsa99*

            I did add the caveat that it depends on where the house is. I live in NYC where $150k is generally just a deposit, so I don’t think it’s unwarranted and your response is needlessly rude.

            1. Aurora Leigh*

              And here in rural IL 150k can buy you a VERY nice house in town or a normal house with a few acres in the country. I’m always amazed by how the housing market differs across the country.

        2. Grapey*

          “But the feeling is worth it”

          True, sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money. (Vs time or emotions)

    5. Some ideas...*

      I would do two things:

      First, call three local realtors and have them review the property and tell you if it’s at all sellable. You would be surprised what people will buy for all sorts of reasons. And it won’t cost you anything for the evaluations.

      Second, call your insurance company back and keep calling if you have to until they send an adjuster out. Also let them assess the situation without volunteering that you think the damage isn’t covered. You’re paying for insurance and you have every right to expect them to do their job. Again, it won’t cost you anything to have them come out and evaluate.

      Also, on the signing over to the bank. I think that’s a voluntary foreclosure. I had cousins that did that. They’ll still appraise the home and if it’s value is less than what you owe, you’ll be on the hook for that. I think. I’m not an expert so others may have more info there

      I wish you the best of luck with all of this. I think you’re right to try and move on.

      1. Natalie*

        They’ll still appraise the home and if it’s value is less than what you owe, you’ll be on the hook for that.

        IIRC this depends on where you live and what type of mortgage you have. If it’s a “non-recourse” loan, the home satisfies the mortgage regardless of the value of the home, and the bank can’t pursue you for additional funds. Some states only allow non-recourse loans.

    6. Morning reader*

      Not a house, no, but family members abandoned a trailer they were moving from. They didn’t own the land it was on, tho, and it was damaged enough to not be salable. If you own it, sell it. Or, you might be able to do some less expensive things to make it tolerable, a sump pump or basement sealant. Sounds like you don’t like the location so why stay?

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      Gonna chime in on the “see if you can sell it” team. Also, google realtors that specialize in distressed properties.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I am on Team Sell It. Don’t just abandon it. You’d still have to pay taxes on the property, those unpaid taxes will follow you around if you don’t. The county will eventually take the house but with it all kinds of stuff happens. It’s not good.

      I hope I can encourage you to wrap this up in a legit manner rather than just walking away.

      I think I am more concerned about your spouse not wanting to leave and not getting on board with you. One thing I have done when I have sold things of huge sentimental value is to be very deliberate and very careful what I did with the money from the proceeds of the sale. I made slow and deliberate choices about how that money was used. To this day I can tell you where that money went because I tried to pick things that would improve my life/quality of life, things that mattered in the long run.
      It’s one last show of respect for people’s lives and for their efforts here on earth. Yeah, I got an example. My Nana left me savings bonds. (I know, not the best idea but that is what she did.) I bought a car so I could get to work. Of course the car got old and I could not keep it. I sold the car (which was her money) and rolled the money from the sale of the car into completing my associate’s degree. (My husband and I shared a car for a while.) So her legacy to me also went into my education also. I made that money work for me. That was decades ago, to this day I remember exactly what I did with my grandmother’s money. And of course the degree was something I can keep forever. I’d like to think she would be proud of the way I leveraged her gift to me.
      I went on and have done that with each inheritance I received. I put it into something that would be a long term investment in my own life. Yeah, it helped me to feel better about letting go of a house or car or whatever.

      2. House issues*

        Agree, that is a really wonderful way to look at it. I tend to do this too but on a smaller scale.

    9. Asenath*

      Try to sell it before you walk away – I suspect you would end up with fewer lingering obligations. I once had an old house, and came to a point where I realized I could (a) borrow a lot of money to do repairs or (b) sell the place and move on, but continuing without major repairs or a move would simply end up with the house falling apart, and facing (a) or (b) down the road. So I sold, and bought a much more comfortable place. I didn’t get much for the old place – less than the initial estimates, due to its bad condition – but I grabbed the first offer I got, which took a few months, and it was SUCH a relief not to have the payments, and the worries every time it rained (in case the roof leaked; it had been repaired more than once, but if the wind came from the wrong direction, it still leaked). Or worries about the pipes freezing when it got old. I had enough equity that I could put some money towards my new place, too. The old place was bad enough that some of the agents who looked at it thought it might have to be sold as a teardown, but someone bought it, put in the money and time to reno it (I think he and his family did some of the work themselves, having had experience and skills I didn’t have), and it went on the market again looking very nice. I didn’t regret having chosen not to do the work myself. I found all the expense and effort and stress of finding workers and money to keep the roof more or less intact and the plumbing operational bad enough; renos on that scale I didn’t want to handle. I’d rather watch them on TV in my nice comfortable new place.

    10. Mimosa Jones*

      A lot is going to depend on how much money you want to get out of this. Walking away sounds like a wash, but as someone said earlier, you still might have some liability. And there could be tax implications as well from the part of the mortgage being forgiven. The forgiven amount would be considered taxable income. So your first attempt should be to sell. Or at least to talk to a real estate lawyer to see what your options are. My mom sold a dilapidated old house on a funny lot “as is” to a builder specializing in tear downs in a neighborhood where that sort of thing was common. She researched builders and even worked her way through the phone book and ended up settling on a couple to work with and sold the house to the one with the best deal.

    11. Black Horse Dancing*

      One thing for you–never feel bad if yu do walk away. Businesses do it constantly. Look at it cold, cynically and figure out what suits you. Sell if you can. Good luck!

    12. Impska*

      You don’t want to just let it foreclose since that will hurt your credit and make it harder to get a mortgage in the future. What you need to talk to the bank about is deed in lieu of foreclosure or a short sale. Principal residence debt forgiveness is excluded from tax through 2020 (it is frequently extended, but right now there’s no guarantee it would be excluded in 2021), so it’s something you may want to move in before the year ends.

    13. Babs*

      I’m on team sell it too. I was in a very similar situation. I had a lot of guilt at first about selling. I had thoughts about the tasks I hadn’t gotten to or fixed yet, letting go of the dream, what would a realtor think, was there shame, it was awful.

      However, the thoughts that got me above all of that and spurred me into action was this: There are people out there that can solve problems in amazing ways. I can solve problems in amazing ways but this situation is not one that I can solve so I’m going to let it go. I will not assume that someone else cannot solve this home’s problems and that I am responsible for that. I will believe that there is someone out there that has the capability and let them give this a try.

      I did not call insurance (well I did.when.the basement first flooded and learned insurance was absolutely not going to help.) I would advise against calling insurance again because of the home’s record can and will be pulled by the prospective buyers agent.

      I did find a real estate attorney before a real estate agent and got a free consultation. I wanted to be as honest as I could about the state of the home but I was so wrapped up in the future problems I had a hard time separating that by myself. The attorney helped me fill out the disclosure agreements that are given after a seller’s offer is received.

      Then I called in the top 3 real estate agents in my area, yes these guys sell multi million dollar homes but I wanted an experienced agent who had seen it all. 1 was too inexperienced, 1 wanted us to “paint” over a problem area and I refused because that felt dishonest. 1 agent was a bulldog who I would have hired to do absolutely any job. I did exactly what she said, cleaned the house, staged it with pretty furniture and it had 9 cash offers before the weekend.

      Now a single man lives there and is fixing it little by little. He even built a monster garage where my husband had begged the county to permit us to send denied over and over. I’ll say that is hard, seeing someone else succeed where I couldn’t. I couldn’t give that dream of a giant garage for my husband but this guy swoops in and is able to in less than 6 mos.

      We bought a different house and still carry a bit of the PTSD of that other house. But I can finally sleep, I can finally plan further than the next rainy season. (Reddit real estate has some good advice for similar situations in past posts).

      Best of luck, you can do this step by step and free yourself without burdening someone else, it will be ok, go find real experts in.the real world to help you.

      1. House issues*

        Thank you so much for this detailed post. You are absolutely right about the shame and guilt in it. We’re still a little bit emotional about it. This was a knee jerk reaction but hopefully that will lift and we can think and act clearly.

    14. Piano Girl*

      My sister-in-law was a hoarder. When she passed away last year, we were faced with a real dilemma. We considered cleaning it out and remodeling it, but we were able to sell it as is. I would definitely look into trying to sell it rather than walk away.

    15. KoiFeeder*

      You’re not walking away with nothing. You’ve at least learned what’s important to you when buying a house.

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      From my view point, you don’t have a choice. Sell the house. If you can buy a small house that is in good condition, great. If not, renting truly isn’t the end of the world.

      Also, as soon as possible, get your spouse into therapy. Your spouse has hung a LOT of importance on the idea of owning a house, which isn’t necessarily a problem, except that it’s impacting his mental health. So it is a problem. This calls for therapy to untangle all those emotions.

    17. bunniferous*

      You can definitely sell as is if you are willing to price it low enough. Talk to an agent who is familiar with selling foreclosure properties-I sell va foreclosures and I have sold houses in worse shape than yours as is. But again, you will need to price accordingly. But anything is better than nothing!

      1. House issues*

        The projected value when we last checked was at least $400k when checked online and our mortgage is $250k. Although I am not sure how accurate online records are. From what I understand, under normal circumstances, a house would be sold for $500k or so, to get a 100k profit, but in our case, we just want to cover the mortgage and anything extra would be helpful.

    18. MissDisplaced*

      Oh dear, I’m sorry, but it sounds like you have a scraper.

      First step is Insurance. See if they just total the home and give you a payout for the value of the lot or a write off. I would keep beating down and bugging them if your home is insured to get an adjuster out.
      Second. Bank/mortgage company. See if you can turn it over for a sheriff sale auction or buyout.
      Third. Sell with full disclosure. Perhaps the land/lot is worth something? There are those who buy distressed home, but I wouldn’t expect much. Still, you never know until your try and get some quotes.
      Forth: Can you scrape it, fill in the hole, and place another home (like a mobile or modular home) on the lot? If you have some money, this may be a viable option.

      Only abandon the property as a very last-ditch, dire result. Because you will usually still be responsible for the taxes on that nuisance property! Even if you run far away, you are responsible for property taxes and those will continue to mount and this could affect your other assets. As a very last resort, call your city or county and see if they have any programs for distressed properties where you could donate it.

    19. Chaordic One*

      It sounds like it would cost more to make the house habitable than the house would be worth. I wonder if it might be better to just tear it down and then sell the lot. If you end up selling, I hope you’ll be honest about the many problems with the buyer. The drainage problems sound insurmountable.

      One of my friends (a single mother) bought a house that she ultimately had to surrender back to the bank because it had plumbing problems where sewer gas would back up into the house. She was already overextended with making mortgage payments, utilities, insurance and normal maintenance and couldn’t come up with the thousands of dollars it would have cost to replace the pipes that connected the house to the main sewer lines.

      She wouldn’t have bought the house if she’d known about the problem and how much it would have cost to fix it. The price of the house would have certainly been lower if the problems had been disclosed to her. She ended up losing her down payment and her credit took a big hit that took many years to recover from before she could again afford to buy a house.

      Don’t dupe and victimize someone else into buying your problem.

      1. House issues*

        I am so sorry about what happened to your friend. That is a horrible situation to be in.

        I’m not sure how it came across in my post but I have no intention to dupe or victimize anyone. The house issues are visible to the naked eye and there’s no way for us to lie about them. Anybody who sees the house can see what’s wrong with it. Also, if we sell I assume it will be through a realtor or another third party so that there’s no chance of us lying to anyone.

        Just as we feel we were “duped” into taking over this home, we would never do this to anyone else and put them through the emotional and financial toll we are going through.

    21. House issues*

      Thank you everyone for the thoughtful and compassionate responses. I will try to address some points.

      I did a bit of research and was connected to a few real estate investors and two of them will be visiting this week to view the home.

      The neighborhood is pretty decent, it’s a tree-lined quiet residential street but it seems we are the only ones who have had the issues (destroyed vehicles, no parking etc).

      Ideally, we’d like to leave this house with at least a little money in our pocket so that we can put it towards a future down payment. We are OK with renting for a few years and saving up.

      1. Lynn*

        If you end up in a position for a short sale, rent before it closes. A short sale will ding your credit. I ended up in a really crappy position after a divorce where my ex did nothing he was supposed to under the divorce decree and walked away from a house without getting my name off the mortgage. I didn’t have to pay out of pocket, but I did have to pay taxes on the amount that was forgiven by the bank. I probably could have come out even or with a little profit if I had the ability to fix it up. The stress of the whole thing was too much and, for me, it made much more sense to just do the short sale and take the credit ding. I’d already bought a house and a new-to-me car before that time, so I didn’t need to worry about credit for those. The rest of my financial life is such that my credit score will recover. It will just take a little time.

    22. Jemima Bond*

      I would avoid abandoning by which I think you mean handing the keys over to the mortgage holder (bank) as this would have a terrible effect on your credit rating as it’s basically defaulting on a massive loan; you’d be hard pressed ever to get a mortgage again and who knows what the future might hold,
      I agree with others who say sell it and get what you can for it; someone will buy it as a doer-upper who can afford to invest money you haven’t got on renovations, while you spend your more modest amounts of cash on renting a small snug place.

  11. Vic tower*

    What do you think of baby showers? What aspects of them do you enjoy vs not enjoy? I’m fortunate to live in Australia where social distancing restrictions are easing and my family want to plan one for me. I was quite ambivalent initially, but I think if people want to do something like that for me and the baby, I should embrace it!
    I’m aware that lots of traditional baby shower things are not to everyone’s taste, particularly games, so I’m not sure what to include. Honestly, I feel kind of drawn to something a bit hippyish- like a painting or sewing project that multiple people contribute to, or something that emphasizes the community/family that baby is being born into (my actual family is fairly small and my husband’s family are living overseas, so friends are part of our network).
    Also, did you invite men? I’m open to this idea but will need to limit numbers of partners and kids so that the party is still within social guidelines…
    All advice/comments appreciated!

    1. Rexish*

      European here. Babyshowers for us is a relatively new thing and they have been adjusted to fit our culture. Last one I went to was for my cousin and it was a lot of fun. We were in her apartment and brought in cake and some snacks and drinks. Only game we had was that everyone brought a baby picture and the mama to be had to guess who was who. There were some additional baby pics to throw her off. We had as a group pitched in for one bigger gift and diaper cake. So we all just hang out and had some cake and chatted.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’m British. Baby showers are very uncommon here as we tend to be more squeamish about being seen to seek gifts (for another or for oneself). The result of that squeamishness is that the focus tends to be on Having A Lovely Time With Friends rather than on the gifts, which would be fairly token.

      So for example a British shower might be a big posh cream tea (so much cake, the only time Poms take a doggy bag) with some light baby themed activities like guessing what the baby’s weight/name/ amount of hair will be. No tasting baby food out of diapers.

      The best theme for gifts I’ve heard is to bring a children’s book you personally loved, so baby starts with a ready made library. Alternatively, everyone bringing a reusable diaper* to start a collection – that would be a very eco friendly option but more expensive.

      * my favourites were Bumgenius which seem to be around $30 each in Australia.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          +1
          I actually recoiled from reading that “tasting baby food…”
          I don’t think I’ll ever attend a baby shower again!

          1. Natalie*

            For whatever it’s worth, in 20 years I’ve never been to a shower with a gross game. It’s always benign stuff like fill in the name of the kid’s book from the cover or match the name to the name meaning, using names from the guest list.

    3. Rexish*

      A friend of mine went to a baby shower and I think there was a sweet ‘task’. Everyone brought one pearl that reminded them of the mother or a memory they had. Then they put all the pearls into a string for the baby. I’m not a sappy person but this sounded adorable.

      1. Washi*

        Do you mean a bead? I don’t know a lot of people with loose pearls hanging around!

        1. Rexish*

          Ah yes, here we use pearl as a general term and then add the name ofnthe materia in front ie. Wooden pearl etc. But yeah beads (or pearls if someone wants).

          1. Rexish*

            They are beads, used the wrong term. And you buy one from a store. So basically could be soccer ball shaped if you have a memory of your mutual hobby. Or Blue because you have a good memory regarding the sea etc.

    4. migrating coconuts*

      I don’t like showers mostly because of the very silly games. My daughter had my first grandchild a few years ago and I threw the shower. It was mostly everyone just eating and chatting with each other, enjoying the company, and my daughter opening the gifts. We had a tea party theme. Lots of finger foods. I scoured thrift stores for interesting tea cups, and everyone got to take one home. (which they all loved) I also bought tea pots, which I filled with flowers for centerpieces. One guest from each table got to take them home, based on the score from one game we played. We did three things. (1) I made a poster of childhood pictures of my daughter and her husband, and everyone (at their own pace) could jot down what age they thought they were in each picture. (2) I bought a bunch of small baby related things and put each in a brown paper lunch bag. They could feel the bag, and jot down what they thought each item was. (3) This one was kind of crafty. I bought a scrapbook with the clear pages you slide things into. I took the paper out of each one, put a letter or number in the corner of each one, and each guest took one and drew/colored based on whatever number/letter they had. They also could write a note and sign it. You put all the pages back in and it makes a fun book for the little one.

        1. migrating coconuts*

          Thanks! It was both fun to shop for them, and to watch the guests pick out a favorite and be excited to find out they got to take them home. They also got a little bag with fancy tea bags and little jars of honey.

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Traditional games are pretty divisive, but I like the thing where there are a bunch of plain white onesies and blankets that everyone gets to paint. Just be sure to get several sizes so you aren’t stuck with a million newborn onesies that she/he immediately outgrows.

      I would definitely invite men, but wouldn’t really expect all that many to come.

      1. The pest, Ramona*

        I’ve been to several baby showers where there was a selection of onesies in different sizes for the guests to decorate using permanent fabric markers or fabric paint. I loved the creativity and uniqueness of decor that guests came up with, and continued to enjoy seeing the results for the next year! Highly recommend this (you can never have to many baby shirts).

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I’m in the US. I have four sisters, one of which has five kids, so I’ve been to my fair share of baby showers in my younger years (there’s a 12+ years age gap between me–the youngest–and my sisters). It’s always been just a social gathering of women at someone’s home where we talk, eat things like cake and other snacks (there was always ambrosia), drink homemade punch (homemade punch was the best part for me–I loved seeing the sherbet floating on top until it melted), and open gifts. It wasn’t until the last five years or so, when I attended a few baby showers for friends or adult kids of friends, that I saw structured games being played, some sort of theme (other than the baby) and typically having the shower at a restaurant with a full meal. I’ve never seen any men attend, though.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I think this is an interesting theme emerging here, so will chime in that I have never played games at a baby shower. I think TV only represents that version of what’s actually a much wider range of customs–like most TV parties are much bigger and fancier and more complicated than what people do in real life, because it needs to have visual impact.

    7. Ranon*

      I didn’t go do the baby shower thing, but from friends, crafts that I’ve heard of going well are:
      Decorating onesies with fabric pens/ paints (better if your crowd is very crafty)
      Asking people to decorate/ write messages of affirmation on diapers (good for middle of the night diaper change pick me ups)
      Decorating a letter of the alphabet to assemble into an alphabet book

      Given that your numbers are limited, I’d focus on inviting the people you want there, regardless of gender. If the party is meant for you and your spouse, a balance of each of “your” people is what I would recommend- the non-gestating partner also needs a network of support once the baby arrives and this can be a good moment to reinforce that.

    8. PX*

      Your idea of crafty and community type thing is lovely and is what I’ve seen a lot as well (not in the US). Like General van Klinkerhoffen, I’ve seen and love the idea of everyone contributing a favourite kids book. I think something like collaborating on a baby blanket could also be lovely and something that can last for a long time.

      But really, I would say make it what you want. I’m from a culture where baby showers are unusual, but what we traditionally had was a gathering after a baby was born, with the idea being to introduce and welcome the baby to their friends/family/community – and people could also bring gifts to that if desired to help the mother through it.

    9. Catherine Tilney*

      I’m in the US, and I’ve never been to a shower where they play games. It’s usually just gabbing and admiring the nursery. I’ve been to several where the shower organizer has requested we bring a children’s book as part of the gift to stock the little one’s library.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Im in the US. At the last few baby showers I went to, we did the design your own onesie. At my friend’s first shower, she had the typical games of guess the baby food flavor and guess the candy in the diaper. Can’t think of any more off the top of my head, but imo, they were fun. and they were gender mixed. Mine was going to be all women but it can vary.

    11. B*

      I had a blessingway and really liked it. It’s more focused on passing on support and guidance. There was a ceremony where they made a necklace. Everyone added a bead with a sentiment or positive intention. You can have it during the birth and later in the babies room.
      They still did gifts (because you can’t stop people from buying baby stuff). But it felt more spiritual.
      I also threw a shower once and left out all the weird games. I just converted normal games to baby theme. Baby scattagories. Baby cranium. We all liked games so it was fun. And there were no candy bar poo diapers

    12. Cate*

      The best baby shower ‘game’ I played (in Europe) was: each guest was given a piece of colourful origami paper on the back of which they wrote a wish for the baby/family. Then we all folded our papers into cranes (with the help of someone who knew how). The mum to be then strung them together to make a sweet mobile.

    13. Parenthetically*

      (I’m American but my husband is Aussie, FWIW with all this!)

      I think baby showers, at their best, are just what you say — a way to emphasize and draw together the community the baby is being born into. LOVE the idea of a painting or sewing project.

      I had two showers, one that was just ladies (hosted by my parents’ church in small midwest town USA where I grew up, so a more “old fashioned” style, though thankfully the organizer asked me beforehand about games and kindly did not include any!), and one that was mainly friends — we invited families including men! It was a more casual hangout/barbecue situation and we really loved it.

    14. Fellow Traveler*

      Yes, definitely embrace it! Embrace an environment of support from the beginning. I always insisted on my husband and his friends being included in my showers. (I had two showers; I know you aren’t supposed to for the second kid, but my first child was born early, two weeks before the shower, so we never actually had one for her. Third child did not get a shower.). Here is my soapbox about this: there are so many “mom” specific things in parenting that men are often excluded. And then women turn around and complain that they have to carry the mental load of parenting… And while I don’t argue that women do carry a lot of the mental load of parenting, I think sharing the load starts from the beginning– starts with creating an environment where both parents are expected to show up and be celebrated and supported. Women only events and groups perpetuate the idea that parenthood is a female-centered thing. (Steps off soap box)
      Some ideas if you want to create a more community based experience: we asked for donations to our local diaper bank at our shower in lieu of / in addition to presents – things like a pack of diapers or wipes. a lot of people brought presents too.
      – my friend had people write messages on diapers and gave us the box of diapers. Nothing makes you smile at 2am when you are changing a poopy diaper than pulling out a diaper with some funny/ happy/ supportive words on them.
      – (I might have written this here before)- one idea I wanted to do but didn’t get to was having my friends make an alphabet book where they each picked a letter and made a page of that letter and we put all the pages together to make a book. Maybe if you are limiting the number of guests, you could do a number book instead?

    15. i heart salt*

      The best baby shower I ever attended was hippyish! All the women came mid morning & we painted the nursery, the furniture, and some sewed curtains & crib railings, etc…Then, mid afternoon, the dad & his buddies showed up & they built a raised garden & started the cookout. It was great fun!!

    16. Disco Janet*

      I LOVE the idea of a “hippyish” project everyone contributes to. Long term, you’re going to get a lot more out of that than typical shower games.

      My family and friends know me well enough that at my shower they definitely weren’t asking anyone to guess how big my belly is, or what chocolate bar was smeared inside of a diaper. We did just a couple simple games that involved fun little facts about my husband and I – our moms came up with some cute anecdotes from when we were little and people had to guess which one of us it was about, and had some baby pictures and you had to figure out which of us it was, for example. But I think the idea of creating something for baby is even better!

      I’ve been to showers where guys were invited and had fun at them – barbecues are more my style than girly parties. But since you’re probably going to need to keep the guest list small, it might make sense to limit that. Depends on how your husband feels about it though. Mine very much wanted to be there, but didn’t really care if we invited other guys or not.

    17. Washi*

      Hmm I kind of disagree with the no games consensus here! I’ve been to a few showers where people didn’t know each other well and games saved what would have otherwise been a super boring afternoon of small talk and finger food in a stranger’s living room.

      When I hosted for a friend, I made my own baby animal themed trivia game, which people seemed to like. And another activity was each guest making and illustrating an alphabet book page, which I then made into a book.

      One thing I really hate at showers is watching the person open their presents (I find it very boring plus it there was a registry it’s not like there are any surprises!)

      1. ECHM*

        @Washi – Plus it’s hard to express appreciation in unique ways by the third or fourth gift of a box of diapers :)

        I love the idea of decorating onesies. I have never seen that done at a baby shower before but I’ll have to keep it in mind in case I’m ever involved in planning one! Also loved the idea of the women painting/decorating the nursery and the guys building a garden and having a cookout. So helpful and useful!

      2. Disco Janet*

        I feel the opposite about gifts – I like seeing all the cute little baby things and seeing the parents’ reaction, even if it isn’t a big surprise. I know it’s one of those things you’ll never have everyone agree on though.

    18. Alex*

      I really prefer showers (either baby or wedding) that are just “Show up, have some snacks, bring a gift, chat with friends” type things, which is thankfully more the norm in my friend groups. I don’t enjoy gimmicks or rules or things that are asked of me. I’m happy to bring a gift, and I’m happy to chat and celebrate a life event of someone I care about, but that’s where my cheeriness ends!

      1. Filosofickle*

        This is the only kind of shower (wedding or baby) I enjoy. For baby showers, if I see men are invited that’s a good sign since they don’t typically have the games or gimmicks. And second Washi on not wanting to watch people open gifts!

    19. Falling Diphthong*

      I had two baby showers, one at my work and one from my husband’s fellow graduate students. There was cake and the opening of tiny gifts. I have hosted a couple of showers and the same–it’s like having a midday co-ed gathering at your home where you provide snacks and drinks and open little clothes. Not all that different from a housewarming.

      Some things about baby shower gifts:
      • Many people find them cute. Cuter than place settings.
      • If you don’t have a baby, you have no reason to buy a tiny hat with giraffe ears. Some people welcome the excuse. It’s like if you enjoy plants but live in an apartment, but your friend just bought a house with a yard, so yay you now have an excuse to ponder the rock garden plants at the nursery at extreme length.
      • Price point of an outfit or board book or the nicer baby towels is low.
      • Tiny clothes will be outgrown soon. It’s nice to have some outfits that no one has ever barfed on! If it’s not to your taste, it will be outgrown soon so no worries. (Or, you discover that your tastes change when you are putting the sixth outfit of the day on the urp-y baby.)
      • Ideal realm for people, especially other parents, to hit on things that never would have occurred to you. Like audio Winnie the Pooh read by Charles Kurault. Or music that your kid loves that you are also happy to have on repeat, unlike the handwashing song. Books that were not on your radar.

      1. Old and Don’t Care*

        You’ve described me! I love buying baby presents and rarely otherwise have occasion to buy little watermelon dresses…

    20. RagingADHD*

      I have always enjoyed ones where I was legitimately close with the mom and some of the other guests, or (for me) where the guest list was my close friends and family.

      When it’s a wider circle of colleagues, distant family, or marginal friends, they feel forced and cheesy.

      I’ve only been to a couple that included guys, and TBH the guys just congregated off in the kitchen, while the women talked about pregnancy/birth stuff. So it might as well have been 2 parties.

      IME, the activities never really mattered as much as the guest list.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh – and of course, when a lot of the guests have babies/small kids themselves, the dads are often home with them so mom can attend the shower in nice clothes and have grownup social time.

        A lot of the things that make for a lovely shower – the paint, the mimosas, or special china – are not conducive to a party with toddlers and preschoolers.

    21. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      But the men & women! Fathers are important.
      Also, PLEASE don’t do that melted candy in the diaper ‘game’. Ugh!

    22. Chaordic One*

      Like so many cultural things, they seem to have evolved into what was originally intended to be a way of celebrating a new life and helpfully providing the new parents with gifts intended to help take care of the new one, into a kind of ugly “need-for-greed” occasion to grab gifts. A reasonable baby shower should probably have a limit (or at least a suggested limited) on how much guests are expected to spend on gifts or contribute to a group-purchased gift. Parties where guests are encouraged to buy or contribute to designer baby items (strollers, clothes, you name it) seem extravagant and over-the-top, at least in my social circle.

      It especially annoying when you are invited to multiple showers for the same pregnancy (on top of the “gender reveal party” where they also expects gifts). This might offend some readers here, but I really don’t like gender reveal parties. They just seem unnecessary and kind of like, “duh”.

      1. Jackalope*

        I disagree to a point. The thing with having a baby is that it’s expensive to get all of the things you need and can be hard to afford ?and you might not NEED everything but some of the little things can really help). It provides family members and close friends a legit sanctioned chance to help out with expenses that might otherwise be too much while not making the parents to be feel bad about accepting it. It’s kind of like at weddings where everyone who’s already established in life gets to help the new couple get things they might otherwise not be able to afford (since starting a new household can be super expensive when you look at dishes, new bed, blankets, tools, and what have you). Pressure to buy expensive stuff isn’t cool, but what I’ve seen is that usually family and super close friends will get the more expensive stuff like the car seat, stroller, or high chair, people who like buying baby stuff will get tons of clothes, and those who don’t know the new parents as well will get a few packs of wipes or a couple of onesies.

        If you want to make it less about stuff accumulation you could always have everyone contribute to one large gift or something like that. But part of the point is to help new parents get set up with what would otherwise be hundreds of dollars in expenses that they might not already have set aside.

        1. allathian*

          I’m in Finland, and we invented the baby box. All new parents get a box of very useful stuff for the baby and mom, including a fairly hard mattress for the box itself, so that it can be used as the baby’s first crib. For an average sized baby, it has everything from newborn onesies to some clothes up to about a year old. Obviously they won’t have enough clothes, given how often some babies need to be changed, but it’s a start. The boxes also contain things like textile diapers. For some parents, the lack of either pink or blue clothes is an issue, too. I didn’t like the wraparound shirts either, I much preferred the “bodies” that can be opened at the bottom to change diapers easily.
          Baby showers aren’t necessary for baby things, because the government provides. :) Gen X-ers like myself didn’t have them, but they’re not entirely unknown for older millennials.
          When I was pregnant and for a few years before that, I was a mod at a fandom site. The other mods got together and sent me a quilt they’d made for our baby. He’s 11 now and he still uses it on his bed. The site has long since shut down and because I’m not on social media I’ve lost touch with those wonderful women, but just thinking about it gives me a warm feeling.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Gender reveal parties seem like “prom-posals” to me – trying to make a media event out of what is really just a conversation.

        And frankly, a conversation that nobody else is all that interested in.

      3. allathian*

        Gender reveal parties seem so tacky, a gift grab, nothing more. But then, I wanted to keep the gender a surprise even to myself, so I didn’t get an extra, expensive sonogram just to find out. On the NHS here, where all prenatal examinations are free of charge, they will tell you the baby’s gender or at least confirm your suspicions if it’s obvious, but they won’t spend time on trying to get the baby to turn if the baby’s not facing the right way, and mine wasn’t.

    23. Imtheone*

      We had people right suggestions for parenting on note cards at the party, for the mom and dad to be to read later on.

      The present suggestion was favorite children’s books.

    24. Jackalope*

      I’ve been to a few that had decent games. Two that I came across and then used for a couple of showers I threw were a baby animal matching game (a list of the adult name and baby names that they had to match up with each other, ie cat and kitten, etc.) and a Mad Libs game with a passage from two books enjoyed by the person the shower was for. (Anyone who doesn’t know what Mad Libs are, it’s a game where you take some of the words out of a sentence and then have people fill in the same kind of word (say, a noun replacing a noun), and then read it out loud. Note that it wasn’t a cutesy baby passage which made it better. May or may not work for youall but I enjoyed it.

      I also love the library idea; I went to a shower where everyone brought a children’s book that they enjoy and then the kiddo was well prepared to begin a life of reading. You could have those who want to write something up for the baby or put a picture of them with the parents on a scrapbooking sheet of paper with something else too.

      As far as having men at a baby shower, I’ve seen that a few times and have even been to one where the man was there and the woman was not (it was for one of my co-workers so it made sense to have just him, and since the baby decided to come a few weeks early the mom was unexpectedly recovering at home). You could certainly do both men and women. Given the current restrictions on people getting together, you could also have a his and hers separate pair of showers. I’m not saying that because men and women shouldn’t celebrate babies together, but solely because that gives you the option to have twice as many people there if you’re struggling with who to invite (you could space them two weeks apart to make getting ALL the people sick less likely).

    25. ...*

      My advice would be no silly or gross games and try not to put people on the spot. The last shower I went to we had to fill out three separate forms with “advice” and “memories” and it was just cheesy and not fun and felt like homework and then they read them aloud. It was so cringeworthy and was probably the best shower I’ve been to because at others ive had to eat baby food or smooshed up candy bars in diapers. Just serve people food and drinks and talk.

      1. Washi*

        Ew, after reading these comments I can see why people are saying no games! All the shower games I’ve experienced have just been regular party games with a slight reference to babies. Nothing gross like mushed candy in a diaper!

    26. Amy*

      I love baby showers! I had one for my first pregnancy and my friends want to throw another small one now that I’m pregnant again (we’ve moved so it’s a totally new group of people who weren’t around for the birth of baby #1). Personally, I’m all about inviting partners and kids, though I realize circumstances with COVID may make this too risky. I think of it as a party to celebrate the arrival of a new member of the community, so I didn’t want to exclude men or children who are part of my circle. Plus, many of the friends likely to attend a baby shower probably have small kids, and arranging childcare can be tricky.

      In terms of games: contrary to most people on this thread, I think they’re fun. It can also be a good way to get everyone together when the people in the group come from different parts of your life (friends, coworkers, extended family) and may not know each other well enough to strike up a conversation. But I like your idea of doing something low-key and sentimental. At my shower we had a baby animal trivia game, which was cute, and had all the guests write well wishes to the baby in a picture book that we saved to read to her.

      I could go either way on the gift opening. I think if you can commit to writing a nice thank you note to each gift giver, it’s fine not to open presents in front of everyone. Even better, follow the note by texting a picture of the baby wearing/using the gift – people love that! I love giving gifts so it’s a bummer to never see them acknowledged or enjoyed. I do think it can drag on to watch someone open gifts, especially if there are many to go through, but many people do enjoy getting to ooh and ahh over the teeny little clothes and toys.

      A few things that left a sour taste in my mouth from my own shower, that you should do your best to avoid if possible:
      – A family member committed to coordinating food & beverages, then just… never did it. I found this out the day before the shower and it was a big scramble at the last minute to figure out a way to feed everyone the next day. We ended up ordering pizzas, which was not ideal, but no one went hungry.
      – I was fairly new to the city where I lived at the time, so I didn’t know many people and a good number of my guests were family who came in from out of town. I had about ten local coworkers and new-ish friends who told me how excited they were to attend, and then they just completely flaked day-of. Some without even bothering to text. It really hurt, and it still makes me upset to think about it. I don’t know how avoidable this is, but I guess… try to stick with people you can rely on?

      Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I wish you all the best with the shower and the arrival of your little one!

    27. Apt Nickname*

      I threw a co-ed baby shower for my brother and his wife. It was the first baby shower some of the older men had ever attended! I called it “Nacho Average Baby Shower” and the thank-you cards said “Taco ’bout being grateful!” As you probably guessed, it was a taco bar because that was one of the mom-to-be’s favorite foods. Since it was really a party where we happened to have baby presents, there was beer and a grapefruit punch that could have tequila added but otherwise was virgin. The only game we had was having everyone who wanted to fill out a poster with guesses as to the baby’s stats. It was super casual and a lot of fun.

      If you wanted to be mindful of social distancing you could try a kind of rolling open house where groups of people have an assigned window of time to stop by. Like maybe this group gets the first hour, another group the second hour, etc. If it’s outside it’ll be easier to keep your distance and it’ll be less crowded.

      1. Katniss Evergreen*

        THIS IDEA IS AWESOME. I hope your friends had the best time. Also props about the social distancing baby shower idea with rolling times!

    28. Petticoatsandpincushions*

      We invited men, and we asked that instead of cards, people contributed Books to start his library. We got a great selection with lovely notes inside :)

    29. Vic tower*

      Thank you to everyone for their advice and suggestions. So many good ideas! I’m excited now to start planning

  12. WoodswomanWrites*

    Here’s a question for outdoor photographers. I just upgraded to a better camera, a Nikon P950 with a huge zoom capability. It’s specifically designed for nature photographers like me and I’m psyched. Because I’ve used a pocket point and shoot for years, without the kind of zoom I have now, it wasn’t a big deal if my hands moved a little.

    Now that I’ll be taking zoomed-in photos of birds and other wildlife, I’m realizing I need to get something to stabilize my camera so it’s not vibrating and creating blurry images. I’m familiar with tripods, and recently researched monopods but haven’t used one myself. I’m small and a senior, and I don’t want to be shlepping a lot of bulk and weight outdoors if I can help it. Does anyone have experience with camera monopods they can share?

    1. Venus*

      I know this isn’t about tripods, and it maybe won’t be useful to your situation, but I found a way to reduce blurriness that works well for me. I would get a bit of blurriness from pressing down on the button to take the photo, so I started to put it on a short timer. This has the added difficulty of not being able to decide exactly when to take the photo, which is an added complication when it involves animals, but it reduced my blurriness. I ended up taking more photos of the animals as a result of the timer, but the results overall were better.

    2. Inefficient Cat Herder*

      My husband (professional photographer) uses a monopod that is also a hiking pole for backpacking, but for zoom lens I think you are unlikely to find it stable enough.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I appreciate the perspective from a pro. I’ve heard of those kinds of monopods that are hiking poles but haven’t seen one myself.

    3. Paradiddler*

      Hi, I used to do pro people and pet photography, here’s some things that worked for me: posture and the way you hold your camera can make a big difference. I’m small too, and bracing your forearms against your chest while cradling the cam with your hands can help. Also try inhaling, then when completely exhaled press the shutter. Or you might have better luck with the opposite, completely hold your breath. Soft beanbags that you rest your cam on are a good alternative to actual pods too. Good luck!

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        This is good to know. As an amateur who’s mostly self-taught, I appreciate the tip on posture and breathing. I’ll give that a try.

    4. 40 Years in the Hole*

      I’ve used a neat little piece of kit called “GorillaPod.” Mini, light-weight tripod that folds, bends & twists around branches, fences etc. Tucks easily into your pack; it steadies my Canon EOS with 75-150 mm lens, so should be able to accommodate the weight of your camera.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’ve heard of the GorillaPod and wasn’t sure it would be workable, but your suggestion is prompting me to consider it. A lot of my photography is of wintering birds at California wildlife refuges. In many places, you’re actually prohibited from getting out of your car so you don’t frighten them into flight, and I could potentially attach a GorillaPod to my side mirror. I’ll look into this for the car for sure.

    5. KR*

      I got a $30 tripod off Amazon for work (not camera work, holding up a base for a drone). I’m happy with the cheap tripods and the best thing is that they’re LIGHT and if they break, well oh well you only spent $30.

      I do not recommend cheap tripods for any sort of video work because what you want in a good tripod for video work is ability to slow pan and adjust your angle without ruining the shot, and cheap tripods tend to show their cheapness in the spinny-adjusty bits & how well they move.

      Source, used to run a local TV station and have used the super heavy and the super light, the great and the not-so-great of the tripods.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I didn’t know the cheapo ones are so light. Have you had an experience where they break with the camera on them? I wouldn’t want them to fall over and damage my camera, even with the extended warranty I bought for it.

        1. KR*

          I have not had that specific experience, but a lot of times the cheap ones are so light they tip easy if you bump into them. What can also happen as tripods get older is if you have the legs extended out to make the tripod taller (if that makes sense) one of the legs might collapse a little which may or may not cause the camera to fall over or be at a wonky angle.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Look into the monopods with 3 flip-down feet.
      Hope you’re happier with your photos soon.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Looks like a kind of a hybrid with a tripod. I’ll check that out. Thanks for the encouragement for my photos. I’m taking my second outing with my new camera today, heading out at twilight to photograph burrowing owls. I hope to get some good images to post on my blog soon.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Oh wow… I only got my 2nd hand Nikon D40 a couple of years ago and now I wish I’d looked up the new ones. That zoom looks amazing.

  13. Revis*

    I have a relationship question. Couples that have different social expectations/needs. How have you compromised on attending social events together?

    1. Batgirl*

      I’m really against compromise. What’s worked for us is to make sure both of us is happy and content. This is particularly important with social things were the entire point is to have a good time together. You can’t take turns being happy! If one of us isn’t terribly keen, we pass on going together. If you’re going to go alone or with someone else, ask how the other person how they feel about that and check in that they’re happy with the amount of time you do spend together.

      1. Revis*

        Do you and your partner have a mutual understanding on what events you automatically attend as a couple or will you skip any social gathering that you are not keen on? I’m also curious about asking the partner that is not keen if it is ok to go alone or with someone else. Is the purpose just open communication, give them the option to still attend or can they express that they would rather not have partner attend either?

        1. Batgirl*

          I mean the word ‘automatically’ is kind of unnecessary isn’t it? If this is your partner then you’d be talking with them very regularly about every decision even if it’s one you have made before. You also don’t want them to feel like they are an accessory to your social commitments- so why on earth would they feel they need to sign up to future events automatically? They may change their mind.
          To your last point, yes the goal is always constant and open communication. If your partner feels less important than the decision being made then they won’t give you the honesty you need to make what could be a very simple adjustment to them. Of course, you’re showing trust when you do this. Not everyone is reasonable enough to be prioritised in this way and they may make unreasonable demands of you. But then at least you would know that about them.

          1. Batgirl*

            Sorry didn’t answer your question: If it’s a date with my partner I’ll skip anything he wouldn’t enjoy and move to the next option so we both have a good time. If it’s a social event he’s not keen on I will either skip it (if id rather spend time with him) or go alone. A good chunk of my social time is spent with him and so neither of us minds being apart occasionally.

        2. Alexandra Lynch*

          All three of us are not very social, and we’re all good saying “I’m not up to being social now”. BUT. We all know that if we make the effort and it’s a good social thing, we’ll have fun. So we’re learning to distinguish between the background “I’d rather be in a good book” general social setting, and the “I have had people talking to me and been solving their problems and I. Just. Can’t. right now.” But any of us will go without the others, so we work out who’s up to going and who isn’t.

          But we all three have major physical and mental health issues, so we have to take care of ourselves first.

    2. Washi*

      Oh many my husband and I are normally good communicators but we really were not good about this when we moved in together. He thought that if I was available, I would go to all events with him, and when I opted not to come, he would always come home and be like “everyone was asking where you were!!” And I was always like “so? They were just being polite, that doesn’t mean they were desperately upset that I was not at brunch.”

      The thing is, my husband is pretty literal and hates/is bad at any kind of “lying” so it took both of us a while to realize that what was most stressful to him was people saying “oh where’s Washi?” And him not having prepared a socially acceptable excuse and not knowing what to say if I just didn’t feel like coming. We settled on “she already had other plans” because as I pointed out, I did have plans with myself :)

      I realize it’s unlikely you’re having this exact issue but my point is that it’s easy to think you are talking about the issue and end up going around and around with no one satisfied. It turned out for us that we needed to have more of a meta-conversation about the “how” amd “why” we would deal with our social life and the “what/when” followed naturally. In addition to the conversation above, over several months, we also talked about how we would make it clear if an event was super important to us vs just an invitation, our respective feelings about attending events together, and so on.

      Basically what worked for us was to focus on clarifying feelings rather than staking out positions or trying to come to a mathematical compromise on number of events per month.

      1. Parenthetically*

        “clarifying feelings rather than staking out positions”

        This is extremely wise and so insightful!

      2. Reba*

        Great advice!

        Hm, I try to ask after friends’ and acquaintances’ people, because I care about them… but I hope I’m not making people nervous as a result!

        1. Washi*

          I’m pretty sure it’s just my husband and his tendency to be literal :) Certainly if I go to an event alone and someone says “oh where’s Mr. Washi today?” I take it as pure politeness and not a demand for their GPS coordinates!

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Step 1: prioritize. Which ones does the person not really want to go to, feel happy going alone to, or which ones can they find someone else to go with? Which ones really are things that they want S/O there for? For the other person, which ones are they just meh about, vs. which ones do they Really Not Want.

      Step 2: Advance planning. Social person hashes things out far in advance so Quiet Person knows what to plan for. Quiet person plans in advance not to waste spoons, and also to get ready on time first, and then pull out the book/game/tv show once they’re ready and waiting.

      I find step 2 is very important. When you make plans and then reneg on the last minute, it can lead to a lot of resentment. On the other side, dragging people out last minute can cause resentment because “I would have been fine if you’d just given me some advance notice.”

    4. Jules the 3rd*

      My husband and I started out with no expectations that we’d do anything as a couple. We happened to like each others’ social groups, and even had some overlap, so we often did go together, but it was, ‘Hey, Event X with Y people’ and then a fast conversation about who’s going. 20 years later, we go out less and the social groups are merged, but there’s some events that we split up so that we don’t have to get a babysitter or dogsitter.

      It boils down to you and your partner’s understanding of ‘what couples do’. Focus on getting on the same page there, let the rest of society’s expectations go.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My husband was super outgoing. Me, not so much. It boiled down to if we had a share interest in the event or gathering. So he went to events for his hobby by himself usually. However we’d go to the county fair together because we both enjoyed that and we both found things of interest.
      We did settle on activities that were “coupledom” activities, such as taking walks. Later when we got a dog we both enjoyed walking on trails and taking the dog to splash around in the brooks. We found Christmas shopping in July worked for us. He liked driving all over the place (2-3 hours in one direction) and I liked finding bargains. That was a surprise fun thing we discovered for us as a couple.
      If he “had” to go to a company event and I went with him, the next day was a down day where we did more mellow type activities. By pairing up activities like this we were able to do stuff together.
      I think it’s good to realize life together is a long series of trade offs, we trade this for that. And we just keep doing these trade-offs. Nobody gets what they want 100% of the time, but nobody goes entirely without either.

    6. NicoleK*

      I don’t have issues with attending social events solo. If it’s important for my DH to be there, I’ll tell him, “It’s important for me, for you to be there at x event”. This has been our compromise and it seems to work for us.

    7. matcha123*

      I would prefer to attend some events together, but if he doesn’t want to go, I can’t force him.
      Personally, I find it weird when people feel like they need to attend events as couples. Like weddings or things like that. If the other person doesn’t know the couple getting married, why would they want to attend?

      1. Catherine*

        No matter how much I love a friend, I hate going to their weddings alone because the stress of Large Event is compounded by having to try to introduce myself to all the little mini-groups that have broken out and circulate among them hoping that one of the cliques will adopt me. (Somehow, my friends who get married tend to be the ones I have few if any friends in common with?) Bringing a date removes some of the pressure to circulate so that I’m not sitting alone in a corner/flirting with the mother of the bride/eating the centerpiece (yes all of these things have happened).

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, a wedding-type event is one where I’d call in a “do this for me, please.”

          (Of course, if one or the other of us didn’t get invited or a +1, we wouldn’t insist! It’s not a requirement!)

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            One thing that grates my introverted gears is when a partner asks for one very important event–big wedding, big work thing–and the other partner tries “Oh but I have introversion.”

            One example I remember it wound up being a wake up call–the one partner was SO careful never to ask anything of the other, and then finally the Big Thing came and she asked, and he wouldn’t because it didn’t sound fun and he’d rather stay home. And OP realized how hard she had compromised, by herself, never asking even though there were so many things she would have liked to do with him along, and her partner never noticed all the not asking. It had not once registered as a nice thing she did for the two of them, or taking care of him, it was just acknowledging that he didn’t want to ever be asked to appear as her social partner at any event that was for her, rather than built around himself. They were now exes.

        2. matcha123*

          I haven’t been to many weddings. I think the largest one I went to had maybe 150? people and I sat at a table with strangers, but the bridge did try to make tables of friendly people.
          I am definitely with you on being terrible at mingling. I asked my SO to join me, and he was invited to join, but he said no. The wedding was overseas, so there was that, too. I guess it would have been nice if he’d come, but at the same time something about a bunch of couples sectioning themselves off and not really talking to other people kind of strikes me as iffy…(not saying you do that)

    8. Analyst Editor*

      This hits home to me, because in my family, my parents and their friends all do things together, as couples; for me and my spouse, him not wanting to socialize so much was very stressful and upsetting.
      Ultimately, the following things helped:
      -my family got used to him not participating in a lot of stuff so they laid off me asking why isn’t he at dinner with us, etc., And I felt less pressure to lay off him
      -I kind of got used to going places myself…
      -BUT I also got better at planning in advance and giving him lots of advance notice, asking his preferences multiple times, and giving him lots of outs for events except when I really want him to go. To me it’s almost as important that he was willing to go, for my sake, as that he actually went

    9. Not A Manager*

      In my relationships, we didn’t really “compromise” on attending events “together.” We mostly let go of the idea that we had to move in tandem through these things. (This is true not only of social events, but also hobbies and interests. I’m happy to fly home one day early from a vacation and give my husband an extra day to visit the local Amazingly Boring Museum Of Amazingly Boring Items. He’s happy because he gets to spend as much time as he likes without feeling that he’s burdening me.)

      In my current relationship, it seems that we’ve fallen into a pattern where one person takes ownership of a particular event or relationship, and the other one can opt in or out as much as they like. That’s not something we explicitly decided on; it developed organically but it works for us. I have friends and relatives that I mostly keep in touch with. My husband probably joins me on about 25% of those interactions. And he has some friends where I might make a quick appearance when they come over, and then I’ll excuse myself.

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Anecdote that stuck with me: Someone more introverted dating someone more extroverted. Agreed on signal that she was ready to go. She signaled, they left! Next party, same thing. Realizing that he would meet her needs rather than always try to hit instant renegotiate made her feel more secure, and thus happy staying longer at gatherings since she didn’t feel trapped.

      I think respecting each other’s needs and limits is important–the introvert can socialize a bit more, the extrovert leave a bit earlier. If you feel the other person is accommodating you, it’s easier to accommodate them. And allow each other to do things on your own–but there needs to be balance, you can’t refuse to ever accompany your social partner to anything or what is the point of a social partner?

      1. Avasarala*

        I think this is an important thing to have in any partnership: the go signal.
        Committed partners should be able to communicate with just a look: “You wanna head out? Because I do.”

    11. Wishing You Well*

      Committed couples don’t have to be attached at the hip. They can do their own thing – or not. Every couple will hopefully find what works for them. I don’t attend certain functions anymore that hubby is free to attend.
      For parties or weddings, etc., it might be very useful to arrange separate transportation so each person can leave when they want to. A little respect and acceptance goes a long way here.

    12. RagingADHD*

      We just discuss individual events (or social groups) as they come up.

      “Honey, the so-and-sos are doing a thing on Thursday (or every other thursday). I think it sounds fun.”

      Then, depending on the situation, the follow up might be “do you want to come with,” or “any issues if I go” (meaning logistical/double-booking/childcare issues), or “it’s a couples thing, shall we go?”

      We’ve always done some things together and some things on our own. Plus kids, work, and health things over the years means we often have different availability.

      So there never was anything to compromise, just communication.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Ah, reread your question.

        I am more introverted, partner is more extroverted. But I don’t have social anxiety/avoidance, so it’s not any kind of hardship to attend mutual functions even if they aren’t super great. We both come from families where showing up/making an appearance is highly valued and a basic expectation for important events.

        Christening, graduation, wedding, funeral, holiday dinner = important functions. Preschool “graduation”, sports matches, birthday parties, performances our own kids aren’t in = not important, just optional.

        Generally, we both assume that family life events are for both of us and the kids, unless there are practical issues that preclude it. Friend life events, wed assume both of us should go. Colleague life events, probably an individual thing.

        Most stuff involving our individual friends/connections is separate, unless specifically intended as a couples or family-and-kids event.

    13. Jackalope*

      One of the things that has been less mentioned in the other comments was finding a system to indicate when it mattered and when it didn’t. I have a few events each year that I will let Mr. Jackalope know are essential, like unless he actively has a fever I need him coming and supporting me (funerals or weddings, family Christmas, things like that). Then I let him know if I’d like to have him there but it’s not required, and he comes to some of those but not all of them. Finally there are the events where I tell him he’s welcome but I’m fine either way with what he chooses, and those are 100% based on whether he wants to be at the Event or not (Event being a strong word here; it could just be dinner with friends). I’m the more social one, so it’s usually not an issue the other direction, but if he’s doing a thing with friends and I don’t want to make it he’s also fine with that. But being able to say “this is super important to me; I need you there” vs. “we’d love to have you if you can make it, if not we’ll be fine” has helped.

    14. Star Nursery*

      We send each other a calendar invite and that makes it easy to accept the ones we both want to attend. If we need to discuss something we may also have a text, phone call or in person discussion. Sometimes some events feel more important to one of us to have their presence so at times we decide to attend because it’s important to the other. But all activities or events interest both of us. Sometimes one of us needs extra down time or a break from having to go somewhere so sometimes we plead exhausted and skip.

    15. allathian*

      We’re both fairly introverted, but my husband and I have largely separate friend groups. We’ve also been a couple for 15 years, so we’re friendly with each other’s friends. Pre-covid, my two good friends and I would take turns hosting an evening at one of our homes, usually non-alcoholic drinks and finger foods, husbands and kids invited. Now the kids are old enough to spend time with each other without constant supervision from parents. They usually take turns playing on whatever games console is available. They’ve grown up together and seem to get along. At least so far, there haven’t been any fights or tears at our parties! Each of us hosted a party about twice a year, so it’d work out to us meeting once every two months on average. We’d also invite another mutual friend of ours, who’s single. She’s a very good friend, but she has some mental health issues that makes it very hard for her to host, so we don’t ask her to (she’s been on disability for most of her adult life). She attended when her mental health issues let her do so and she’s always welcome, but if she idn’t feel up to it, we naturally didn’t pressure her at all. My husband gets along well with my friends and their husbands. All of the guys are engineers and hi-fi buffs as well as long-distance runners, so they have plenty to talk about.
      About once or twice a year we’d go to a girly movie, dinner and a few drinks, home on public transit. My husband and I would go on date nights every couple of months as well, usually to a movie. We have a fairly similar taste in movies and usually go and see the big blockbusters together. He occasionally goes to see a horror movie by himself or with a friend, but I can’t deal with those. He isn’t really interested in period dramas or movies like Mamma Mia! so I watch those with my friends.
      My husband’s friends host adults-only parties, sometimes SO’s are invited, but mostly we aren’t. I get along with the wives and girlfriends when we spend time together, but they aren’t my friends in the sense that I’d seek their company if it wasn’t for my husband. Oddly enough, many of his friends live within walking distance, so drinking is always involved when we see each other. Sometimes I opt out of these even when spouses are invited, but that’s usually for childcare reasons. That said, pre-covid it was usually very easy to get a babysitter for our son, my parents or MIL were more than happy to volunteer!
      This is how it works for us.

    16. Revis*

      Thank you for your responses. They are very interesting and gave me a lot to think about. I’m the one that has more of a expectation to show up to things as a social unit. I didn’t use the words extroverted/introverted cause I feel like those terms are oversimplified.

      I have no desire to be attached from the hip, but I do have a strong family culture where the expectation (in a positive way) is to show up with your partner (and kids if you have them) to certain things. I can go to things on my own as I have gone before, but now that I have a serious boyfriend I’d like to go with him. I kind of have this expectation that it is just part of becoming part other ones life. I hold myself up to the same standard. He doesn’t share this expectation at all.

      I’m not sure I’m willing at the moment to accept that everything is optional and you can opt-out if you are not keen (for me these would be weddings, funerals, graduations, big birthdays etc.). I do have my own social life and I’m very happy to see my friends and family on my own and I’m not at all expecting my bf to attend everything. I’m willing to think deep about if I need to change my mindset.

      I do need to work on accepting that I need to let go some of the couply things that I had envisioned. I guess the problem part is knowing what I’m willing to let go and to which I need to use the ‘It is important to me’ card.

      This makes it sound like I’m very social and there are invites flying around. This is not the case at all. There just has been a few instances that triggered this now. This ‘problem’ has built up over the years and as I’ve gotten older the nature of gatherings and values has changed.

      Thank you for your comments and different view points.

      1. Jackalope*

        Keep in mind that you’re allowed to have this be a dealbreaker, too. I am hopeful that you can come to an understanding and an agreement that works with your partner, and find something that works for both of you, but if not, it’s okay to have this be something that you stick to your guns on, and maybe it means that the two of you aren’t compatible. And it’s okay to pick some events and say that you need your partner to come to those.

        (I will also add – and you may have already thought this through – that it’s a much bigger issue if he isn’t reciprocal. One of the things that made my compromises in this area okay with me is that it goes both ways; if I have a less essential [non-wedding/funeral/etc.] event that Mr. Jackalope doesn’t want to go to, then he can skip, and likewise if he has a less essential event that I don’t want to go to I can skip, and both of those are fine. If your partner feels that he can skip out of your important events and that’s fine but you have to be at all of his friend gatherings and it’s not okay for you to bow out, that’s more of an issue.)

        1. Revis*

          Thanks for this. I’m willing to accept that this might be a deal breaker but not without talking about it and thinking about options. The idea here was to prepare me for that discussion and to hear how others have handled it and kind of self reflect based on responses.

          Well, we do have a problem with the recprocality. As in, he has no social happenings where I could/should participate or ever even have the chance to not be keen. On the rare occasion there is something on his side, I’m more than happy to go.

      2. allathian*

        Sounds to me like you need to talk to your boyfriend about this, and be explicit about why him showing up for you socially is important to you.
        You’re not saying it, but I think that showing up to important events for the other person is a way to show love, and if they’re not willing to do that, it’s hard to feel like the other person is as committed as you are.
        There were other issues, but one reason why I broke up with my ex was that he never wanted to visit with my parents. My sister had been dating for several years by then, and her boyfriend always celebrated Christmas with us. A part of the reason was that his parents were divorced and the divorce was acrimonious, so although they were adults at the time, he hadn’t celebrated a proper family Christmas since he was about 10 years old (after that there were fights, too much alcohol and cops coming to get the dad to spend the night in jail). Anyway, he loved our family Christmas and I wanted to have my boyfriend there, too. He didn’t want to, and that wasn’t because he would otherwise have spent Christmas with his parents, either. He wanted to hang out with his friends instead. We dated for two years, he met them twice during that time. To be fair, I only met his parents once, but they lived a four-hour drive away.
        These days, we celebrate a family Christmas at our house, with my parents, sister and in-laws.

    17. Katniss Evergreen*

      I am a much more extroverted person than my now-husband, and therefore make many more plans than he does. I often make “me” plans and not “us” plans, but our biggest issue… he used to do a $hitty thing where he’d originally say he would like to attend a *thing* and when we got closer to the thing he would renege. This was frustrating to me on loads of counts, not the least of which was that people would expect him there and I’d have to lie in some way to make him seem like he wasn’t just feeling unsocial or being an ass that day. I completely understand having the need for personal space and significant amounts of alone time for introverts, but it was the last-minuteness of the reneging that really made me angry.

      This came to ahead when he wanted to flake on my cousin’s wedding, 2 weeks before we were supposed to go (RSVPs handed in, hotel room booked); I exploded and said the reneging had to stop unless there was a physical illness reason why he couldn’t be somewhere. That no longer happens, he keeps his word, and has developed a better barometer for when he’s been accepting too many commitments. I’ve also gotten better at making my own plans and saying to some people “it may just be me this time, Mr. Evergreen likes his 1:1 time with the dog” up-front. At some parties where he knows fewer people, I don’t push him to mingle – e.g. I handled that at our delayed wedding reception while he drank beer with our friends and we both very much enjoyed ourselves (that party in particular was also really heavy on my mom’s extended family, because they paid for the thing and husband’s family could only come to the wedding itself).

      1. allathian*

        Good for you! I’m glad you got it to work, even if it took an explosion.
        For my husband and myself, I’m happy that we are about equal in sociability. Three years ago, my husband’s cousin’s daughter got married. It was a big wedding, about 250 people. I didn’t know anyone except my in-laws. All of us went to the wedding, but my in-laws skipped the reception and babysat our son instead.

    18. KR*

      My husband has a good idea of how likely I am to go somewhere, whether I definitely would want to do something or potentially not. I am an extreme introvert and my husband is sociable and extroverted. We check with each other when making plans with other couples or good friends, where an absence would be notable. For drop-in parties I’ve been known to hang around for anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple hours and go home early, and my husband will get a ride home later or I will come pick him up when he’s done. We talk continually and I have tried in general to avoid forcing myself to see people I don’t want to see or go home if I’m not having a fun time somewhere where before I always felt like I had to stay for the whole thing and go to everything. My husband knows it’s nothing against him and sometimes feels bad leaving me home, but understands and respects my need for alone time.

    19. Lemonwhirl*

      My 34th birthday present to myself was to announce that I was no longer going to parties except for weddings. I did not enjoy them at all. I was happy for my husband to go to all the parties he wanted and stay as long as he liked, but I was done.

      I got some flack at work because the Christmas Party was a big deal there, but the quality of my work was good and I was otherwise a team player, so I just ignored the very small fallout from it. My husband was unhappy at first – until he went to a party without me and realised that he had so much more fun not having to worry that I was having a bad time.

      1. Revis*

        I’m really glad this worked put for the both of you. Does this only refer to bigger parties or any gatherings? Like , will you see the in-laws? Do you go for coffee and cake when it is your nephews birthday? Do you ever have people over or meet with another couple? Also, why weddings are different? I’m not relating this to my OP at all, I’m just curious :)

        If your husband would not have been ok in the end would this still have been the arrangement?

  14. Batgirl*

    Does anyone know of a good free budgeting app that doesn’t link to your bank account? I suppose I’m looking for something like MyFitnessPal but for money instead of calories.

    1. Natalie*

      The one I like isn’t free, but on the bank account linking – you can always opt not to do that if you don’t want to. You’ll just have to enter your transactions manually.

      1. Babs*

        I liked every dollar which is Dave Ramsey one, never linked bank account. Although, I have to say it was easier to set it up on a computer at the beginning of the month than on my phone, so keep that in mind.

    2. Trixie*

      I recently saw a Youtube review by Marble Jar channel, “Mint vs. YNAB vs. EveryDollar Pros and Cons” and it included a good review of what’s included and how they compare.

    3. fposte*

      There are free Excel templates you could download if you don’t mind Excel. However, I use a little app called Best Budget–it’s completely standalone, no linking. If you like the free version, you can upgrade to the pro version for a whopping 99 cents.

    5. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      I use Goodbudget and am quite happy! You can put your income into virtual envelopes, monthly but also yearly. The app is convenient and easy to use. If you have a very complicated financial situation, it might not be the ticket, but for me and my straight forward spending and savings habits, it works just fine.

  15. LGC*

    Okay, so, I need to talk about Boston getting canceled. (Well, technically, they’re running it as a virtual race, but…)
    More to the point, I need to talk about racing in the time of COVID-19 (since it intersects with my passions for both running and general nerdiness).

    Right now, although it looks like larger races like the World Marathon Majors (Tokyo, Boston, London, Berlin, Chicago, and New York) are almost certainly not going to be cleared to go this year…it looks somewhat more optimistic for small local races to be cleared, depending on how things go. Part of that is because of new research pointing towards outdoors activities being far less likely to spread COVID (although density overrides that). Even in New Jersey, non-contact outdoor sports look like they might be cleared next month. So, I could definitely see in-person races going off in the fall or even late summer. Which leads to a few questions:

    1) Would you consider doing in-person races? I’m still very much on the fence, myself. I don’t know if I would or if I could, even if there was a cure or a vaccine. And I’ve probably already had COVID at this point.

    2) If you do race, what would it take for you to consider coming back? I’ll be honest: right now, it just feels wrong to be in a crowd, and I’m not sure when it’ll feel okay again. (Like, I kind of instinctively recoil now when I see photos of crowds!) Clearly, this isn’t going to be forever – we went from “horrifying plague” to “drinking bathtub gin in illegal bars in fringed dresses” in like 2 1/2 years – but at least for now, it still feels like it’s…disrespectful, almost, to do things that look like they might spread COVID.

    3) And finally, what do you think about virtual racing? I’m asking because…like, I have feelings about virtual races. I think being on the sidelines has taught me that I’m just an extremely competitive person, and I like beating people. In person. So I just can’t get fired up that much to do virtual races.

    I’ll still sign up, especially if they have interesting swag. But it’s just a higher barrier to entry.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I can’t wrap my mind around virtual races. I almost signed up for a cool-sounding one that my running org is putting on. But it’s $60 and just as I was about to pull the trigger, they posted on Facebook that, oh by the way, the awesome black lightweight hoodie we advertised as swag might actually be an ugly white or baby blue one. I know it’s for charity, guys, but that’s still bait-and-switch. Nope.

      The chances of me losing my job are small but it’s a number that’s not zero. I can’t justify spending money on virtual races. It has to be the real thing for me, and I’m totally understanding that that won’t be anytime soon. I’m on the same page as you at re: how I feel about that. Honestly I thought races were getting too expensive and overhyped for what they were and was doing much fewer of them anyway before this plague came. But I feel gutted for folks like you that are really passionate about racing.

      1. LGC*

        That is garbage! Although I’ve heard of a lot of races doing that, where they only guarantee the cool swag to the first x signups. (They might not say that x is a really high number that’s more than the number of expected signups.)

    2. Running*

      I have been pondering this. I am signed up for the NYC tri in mid-July and I just can’t see it being safe enough then – even for me, who is a back of the pack person, so I do end up alone a lot. It’s kind of heartbreaking. Before all this started I was on track with a training program but now, that also has blown out. The organizers have said they will let us know soon if they cancel and a part of me kind of wishes they do because then I don’t have to decide on my own safety – I guess I’ve already decided I won’t take part.

      1. LGC*

        I’m in the same boat, myself. I was relieved when Boston’s mayor canceled because it meant I didn’t have to make that decision.

        (Secretly, I’ve been kind of relieved because my training was horrible this winter due to injury, but I didn’t want things to end like this!)

    3. Morning reader*

      Not a runner, so this is an observer perspective. My family in Hawaii tells me that Iron Man has been moved to January overlapping with the timing of my next visit! So if that works out, I’ll get to see it. Hawaii currently has a mandatory 14 day quarantine for anyone arriving. I doubt that will still be in place next year, but if it were, I would feel comfortable there. (Would make it a very different contest if everyone was confined to a hotel room for 2 weeks beforehand!)
      Question back to you on 1: why would a vaccine and/or treatment be insufficient to bring you back?

      1. LGC*

        Basically…it’s more like I don’t know what would bring me back! It’d be “safe” if there was a treatment. (Less so if there was a vaccine – I’ve heard that only 50% of Americans would be willing to take one, and while the concerns aren’t entirely unwarranted and while I myself would be likely to get a vaccine…)

        In a way, I do want to get back to my old normal. But it also feels like my old normal was risky and irresponsible. I’m sure that’ll change eventually, but I’m not sure how long that will take.

    4. Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl*

      I’m not comfortable doing any races this year and am not interested in virtual races. I have a race that I do every Labor Day and I’m disappointed to mess up my streak. My plan is to train for the distance and perhaps race it on my own sometime around Labor Day (although I’ll need to find a flat area to mimic the race course). Maybe that counts as a virtual race?

      Again, it’s disappointing, but I’m not going to take an unnecessary risk.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s exactly what a virtual race is. You pick your own location and timeframe and do the mileage.

        1. Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl*

          Except I’m not going to pay anyone for the privilege of doing it.

    5. CheeryO*

      Ugh, virtual races. I’m signed up for a couple summer-long challenges, mainly for the community and to keep my motivation up without a goal race on the calendar. I don’t plan on doing any time trials or anything like that. I need the competition to be able to race well.

      Personally, I’m not going to feel comfortable in a medium/large race until there’s a vaccine or herd immunity, and I’m kind of doubtful that we’re going to get there in time for next spring’s races. I’d consider a small trail race or something like a casual ultra on a loop course, but only if it was far enough under the radar to avoid attracting people from out of the area.

      Also, honestly, if someone tried to schedule a race right now, I think they’d get a ton of pushback from the community itself. At least in my area, most of the running community is very supportive of the isolation measures, almost to an extreme extent (calling out people for being outside without masks even when they’re able to maintain social distancing, avoiding any route where they might see people, etc.). I’m curious if this will start to change as people get more quarantine fatigue.

      1. LGC*

        That’s honestly been my plan. There were a couple of interesting challenges, which I feel like I can deal with better than a “virtual race” (which I end up just treating like a challenge anyway).

        I’m a road guy still, but most local races don’t really gear up registration until about a month out – so I wouldn’t know what the fall looks like until at least August. Even large locals (like the New Jersey Marathon) will open up six months in advance…but probably won’t make calls until September. For comparison, Brooklyn Half (NYRR’s version, not NYCRUNS’ version) didn’t cancel until about a month before – and Brooklyn is one of the largest half marathons in the world (and I think the largest in the country). But back then (I can’t believe I’m saying this), we didn’t know as much.

        Funny enough, we’re not quite as extreme here, it seems! Most people are out without masks in places where it’s possible to maintain distancing and stay outdoors (like the parks), although to be honest…many people are avoiding parks for the most part.

    6. Lost in the Woods*

      Right now, I really wouldn’t feel okay doing in-person races. Part of that is because I work in (outpatient) healthcare and even though I’m not dealing with COVID+ patients and personally have no symptoms, I’m acutely aware of the possibility of asymptomatic spread. I don’t want to be a vector of infection in either direction. I think if we had better testing infrastructure and more effective testing, I’d feel a lot better, but I don’t know when things will begin to be safer. I was hoping to run my first half marathon in the fall but I doubt that will happen.

      I don’t like virtual races. If I’m going to be doing a race at race pace, the race experience is really part of it for me. I also have a hard time getting excited or pumped up enough. I’ve been creating personal challenges instead – like we have some parks in our area with statues and I’ve been planning to try and run to all of them. Running a route with all of them on it is just above a marathon, so if this goes on a whole lot longer I might try and work up to that.

      1. LGC*

        That’s honestly been my approach as well! Although it feels like a distinction without a difference to some degree – like, they’re both personal goals. It’s just that…for a lot of virtual races, you’re paying money to do it.

        I’ll do it in certain cases – if it’s in support of something I really want to support, for example. (But it won’t be an all-out effort.) But in general, I think part of racing is the raceday experience, and I don’t think you can fully create that on your own…without hosting an actual race. At least for me, personally – I also think that if you run 26.2 miles faster than you ever have, it doesn’t matter whether it’s an actual race or if it’s a virtual marathon, it’s still a PR.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I second better testing infrastructure, for feeling okay about this and other gatherings.

    7. Old and Don’t Care*

      I would do a fall race. I’m signed up for a small half marathon (in a state with little Covid), and if they have it I’ll go.

      I would not feel comfortable doing larger races, U don’t think. In a smaller race I could wait in my car until close to start time; less feasible in a larger race.)

      I think there are things that small to medium races could do to spread out crowds. That might be more expensive, though. For larger races if they can’t hold an expo that would change the financial calculus too. And lots of things to think about regarding water stops and portolets.

      Bottom line I would do a smaller low key race but for a lot of reasons don’t see many races happening this year. No interest in virtual races.

    8. Angstrom*

      Not a runner, but I’ve done a lot of virtual bike riding and a bit of racing on Zwift(which also has running events). I was surprised to find that it does fire my competitive streak. Part of me knows I’m staring at a monitor in my basement, but there’s that guy ahead of me on the hill and I’m not going to let him beat me to the top….. I’ll set out for what I think will be an easy spin, get passed by a few people, and the wattage will start to creep up…..
      You can also run/ride with real friends in the virtual world. Might be worth a try.

      https://zwift.com/news/13890-10-tips-running-races-on-zwift

      https://www.dcrainmaker.com/2020/01/npe-runn-treadmill-smart-sensor-everything-you-need-to-know.html

    9. Falling Diphthong*

      A note about in-person marathons: As you note, density is a big thing. But it’s also the case that extreme exercise and the resulting inflammation makes one MORE susceptible to disease. Marathon runners had observed that they felt protected leading up to a race, less likely to get sick. But that they were far more likely to get sick in the two weeks after a race. Scientists tested this, and both observations were true. (I will provide a link to the podcast; was referred to it by my local cancer resource place as races were postponed in March.) So the scientists approved of cancelling the races–both in terms of density and in terms of disease susceptibility, it was not good as the pandemic spread.

      I type that as someone who really wants my teenager to be able to get back into the team sport that usually centers his social life. He’s doing a lot of internet chess.

        1. LGC*

          Yeah, I’ve heard that…and experienced that! (After my first half marathon three years ago, I had a cold that lasted for two weeks. It was awful.) It’s a fairly well-known phenomenon.

          That is an additional risk that I didn’t consider in my OP, although…I think it’s similar to other mass events. And it really depends on the person and how much strain they’re under.

    10. Bob*

      For me:

      1. and 2. I’m trying to make my decisions based on the more conservative of {What does the data say?} and {What is officially permitted?}. What’s actually happening is a third criteria creeping in {What do I feel comfortable with?} and that third one is the most conservative of all.

      Here in New Zealand we have one (one!) known active case of Covid-19. So yeah, once that’s resolved and once we have a good period of plenty of random testing with negative test results on the general population (statisticians are reckoning we need a month or so to be sure) and while our borders are still closed then … yes … I might get back into in person-racing.

      My current plan is to start back with smaller, less competitive events – parkrun, say, or a local race with <200 people – somewhere where we can all spread out and where there aren't crowded start pens.

      My brain quite grasp the idea of taking part in a huge event yet. Thinking back to when I ran Boston in 207 – the queues! the packed buses full of excited chatter taking us all out to Hopkinton! The queues! The herding into different start pens! The crowds of supporters! More queues for the medals, the water and the free banana! Not to mention the international travel to get there. It feels like life on another planet.

      3. As for virtual races: Hmm, I was going to say I'm not a fan. I find it far easier to run fast when I'm with other people and the practical support offered by physical events (portaloos, drink stations) is particularly useful for longer distances.

      And then I realised: I'm planning on running a half marathon distance later today to mark what would've been the Christchurch marathon. I'll be running alone, from home, but starting at the same time and covering the distance I might have done in the event itself. And a bit of me quite likes that, chances are, some other people will be doing the same. So maybe there is something there, something special about sharing an experience even if we're all doing it separately.

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        I’m in New Zealand too! I signed up for Queenstown (late November) before the pandemic hit us, so at the moment it’s looking like I’ll be able to do that as normal. I’m happy that I’ll be able to support their tourism industry too.

        1. Bob*

          I’ve seen your user name around here and did wonder whether you might be relatively local. Hello! [Waves from a socially appropriate distance]

          Ooh, I’ve been eyeing up the Queenstown marathon for a few years now. You’ve got me thinking: this might be the year I finally do it. Six months is about right for the training aspect and hopefully also for overcoming my yikes-big-crowds feelings. And your comment about supporting local tourism really chimes with me. Plus holidaying in Queenstown won’t exactly be a hardship …

          I’ll give his some more thought. Thanks for the inspiration.

    11. Star Nursery*

      I am strongly leaning towards not signing up for any that are virtual. I prefer to run with other people (I know lots of runners like to run alone but I’m not one). I like having another person to pass or to feel like I’m in a crowd / collective team of runners even if we are spaced out at our own paces. The virtual time race thing doesn’t do that for me.

    12. Ktelzbeth*

      I’m struggling too. I’m currently participating in the virtual Great Race across Tennessee, which is a 1000k route to be completed between May 1 and Aug 31. The only summer tri I was signed up for already has been cancelled, though they are claiming it’s only postponed. (It seems to me that if you “postpone” one full year, that’s cancelling.) I’m thinking hard about my usual July 11 race, which is a small local triathlon. They’ll halve the number of permitted entries to 75, but keep all the space allocated the same, then start the swim one by one from a socially distanced line rather than a mass start. Maybe?

      It’s a particularly hard decision for me because I’m moving out of state in August, so thinking about missing the last chance to race with/against the people I’ve been racing with for the last 5 years is hard. I know that it’s always possible to come back, but SD is not exactly a major racing destination. Then we’ll have to wait and see what happens to my Ironman in October.

      1. LGC*

        Ugh! I’m so sorry!

        The adjustment to the start sounds interesting – and it actually feels like it might work? It seems like it’d be easier to stagger starts in triathlon, since most of the race (after T1 and T2) is staggered anyway. Although the seeding might be a bit wonky.

        I don’t know what the summer will bring, so I can’t really provide any advice. If you’d asked me at the start of the month, it’d have been an unequivocal no, but now…it’s really that you have to feel safe and do things to keep yourself safe. Which I hate saying because we as individuals shouldn’t have to worry about this. But that’s the best I could say – I don’t think I could do it myself, but I’m not in your situation.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          Thank you!

          Well, since I attended a protest today, my social distancing is shot for the moment. I’ll probably register to have a spot and then follow local infection numbers. I don’t like the thought of wasting money, but I can afford it and I’m buying the chance to have an experience.

          Some of the early season tris are pool swims and use a very similar start method, though to keep the lanes from getting clogged they ask for an estimation of time to complete a xxx yard swim, so it’s a tested method. Not quite as much fun, since it’s harder to know who your competition is, but you take what you can get.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Re:3 I’m not a runner, but I’d love to watch (read) the The AAM Teapot Drama Llama Ding Dong 5km. One thread for runners to post their mile marker times, and one thread for bicyclists to post theirs? (I would be the very very last of the biking stragglers LOL!) Heck add a swimming thread and make it a combo.
      Oh but the time Zone range probably means that wouldn’t work dot-dot-dot unless we do it in two or three shifts? I wonder what Alison would say.

    14. More Coffee Please*

      I really miss racing. I’ve run almost 400 miles since my state’s lockdown order in March. It’s the only thing keeping me sane. I also think I probably had COVID-19 in late February, so while I’m being careful for the sake of others (working from home, wearing a mask, etc) I’m not too worried for my own health.

      1) I would do an in-person race if it were allowed.
      2) My area has been really strict in shutting things down, so if races were allowed to happen, I would feel comfortable doing them because I know the standards for re-opening are high.
      3) I wouldn’t consider doing a virtual race. I’m the same way in that I’m competitive and like beating people! There’s no way I could push myself as hard by myself as I could in a race. I almost signed up for a $60 race that was donating $10 of every registration to a food bank but then thought… why don’t I just run by myself and donate $60 directly to the food bank?

    15. Probably Taking This Too Seriously*

      I just did a free virtual half marathon and was only slightly slower than my typical half race time…knowing I’d be logging my “chip time” in a public place did make me push it faster than I would expect without crowds. This year, I’d been training to run the NYC half and was devastated when the pandemic hit, as this had been a dream. It’s been a struggle for me to not have races punctuate my solo runs and not to run with friends.

      But ultimately I have learned that it was running all along that I loved, more than the racing part. I’m signed up for a cheap local race in November and hope that kickstarts a return to “running normal” for me…but in the mèantime, I’ve become very engaged with Peleton outdoor runs, virtual races, texting my runs to friends I used to run with, and also having more time to think during these runs.

      1. LGC*

        I was actually going to run NYC as well! I was watching nervously in the week leading up to it to see if it’d go off, and if it did…I don’t know if I would have gone or not. (Thankfully, they did cancel. I didn’t go in to pick up my bib and shirt because I thought it’d be unsafe little did I know that I was more at risk of catching COVID-19 at home than I was in the city.)

        I’ve kind of had a bit of a revelation myself – but it’s slightly different. I think I needed to have a break forced on me at some point (this spring I’d…volunteered to pace two local half marathons, I was racing NYC and Brooklyn Halfs, running Boston, and that was just through mid-May – normally in May and June I switch over to 5k/10k), but I’ve found that…while I enjoy running for the sake of running, it’s not my “why.” It turns out that I enjoy the praise cycle, who knew. (So Strava is really where it’s been at for me.)

    16. londonedit*

      I really can’t see in-person races coming back anytime soon here (London/the UK in general) and I’m also worried about parkrun. As well as the issue of runners all coming together in a crowd and possibly being at risk themselves (especially if people are travelling from different parts of the country) you’ve got spectators as well (and as someone who’s firmly in the mid-pack of any run or race, spectators are really important to give me a boost on the way round!) and one of the major things I think any event will need to consider is the goodwill of the local community. Where I live, runners have been absolutely vilified since the beginning of lockdown, with social media being full of people complaining that ‘joggers’ are ‘huffing and panting’ near people, that they run too fast and are scary to other pedestrians, that they ‘take up the whole path and won’t move over’, etc etc. And that’s just runners on their own in a park. With that sort of sentiment flying around, I really can’t see how – even if restrictions on crowds are eased off enough for a few hundred people to gather – things like parkrun can start going ahead again. There were already people before all of this who complained about parkrun taking over parks for an hour or so on a Saturday morning – we had a determined mob of dog walkers who would deliberately walk in the opposite direction around the parkrun course at 9am on a Saturday morning just so they could yell at us to get out of their way – and I think plenty of people would be horrified by the idea of 100 or 200 or 600 runners showing up in the park again.

      Anyway, to answer your questions – no, I wouldn’t feel comfortable joining an event or a race anytime soon, mainly because of worries about being in a crowd but also because I don’t want to contribute to something that is going to anger the non-running community. My local half-marathon has spent years coaxing residents into supporting the event and viewing it as something that brings people together, rather than being an annoyance that means they can’t drive their car for one Sunday morning a year. I feel like if they bring the event back too soon, it’s going to undo all of that hard work because the community just won’t be ready for it.

      Personally, I’m not a fan of virtual events – I understand that some people like the motivation of getting a medal, but to me (even though I’m not competitive with anyone other than myself) it doesn’t feel like it ‘counts’ if it’s not a ‘real’ race. I’ve joined in with a few of the virtual events that my running club have organised, like a 5k time trial (run 5k anytime between X date and Y date and submit your time) and a team event where we each had to run a particular distance, but I’d have been running those sort of things anyway so it wasn’t much of a hassle to just put a bit more effort into the run and then submit my time. But I’m not hugely motivated by bling and I don’t think attempting to run 26.2 miles by myself on a random route would compensate if I was supposed to be running the London Marathon this year.

  16. Lena Clare*

    Can any of you recommend a good and reasonably inexpensive speech-to-text software for personal use on a private PC? I’d be using it everyday, quite a lot, for essay and book writing.

    The one I have heard of is Dragon – has anyone got any experience with this, and if so what is the difference between the home and business versions (apart from price!).

    Thanks.

    1. Babs*

      Dragon has it’s drawbacks, it’s feels not as robust as google speech and has a learning curve to it.

      My teenage son is dysgraphic and uses speech to text instead of handwriting. He disliked dragon a lot, it was cumbersome, not transferable across devices easily. Google speech has really grown and gotten much better. It’s his go to know for all long essays.

      You might get other suggestions by using the search term dysgraphia and speech software.

    2. Amethyst*

      In another life I edited manuscripts for a few authors. One of them was a blind woman. I’m going to base my response on her experience with Dragon, & that was that she hated it. She much preferred JAWS. She said JAWS was easier to understand & use, & there was a huge learning curve with Dragon. She also had an accent & a speech impediment in which some words would come out somewhat differently than the word she intended to use–but still completely clear/intelligible, & Dragon never could “learn” to understand her. (JAWS had no such difficulty.) She gave it a year, using her state’s BRS to train her with the software for 6 months, & she never got the hang of it.

      So I’d really keep that in mind. She passed away 3 years ago so Dragon might have possibly improved in this aspect since then. I’d suggest more research.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I tried Dragon and it was too slow for me. I couldn’t speak naturally (despite the name, haha). All I got out of it was a headset I could use for conference calls online.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            No, I haven’t found anything else as of yet. I initially wanted it because I was having a hard time with my wrists and hands. But I didn’t have the money to buy anything new—I got Dragon for a steep discount through my university.

    3. Cruciatus*

      I don’t know if this is quite the type of program you’re looking for, and I can’t speak for the price because I was not the one who purchased it, but at work the librarian archivist bought a Trint (dot com) subscription. (It’s actually how I have job duties at home while we work at home! I look over and edit the transcriptions of old interviews she did). I also have nothing to compare it to. Sometimes it makes really dumb errors, but it’s supposed to “learn” as you go to improve on errors. It’s also transcribing the voices of many, many different people, some who mumble more than others so that might also be a factor–I do get a good laugh once in a while at what it thinks the person was saying but there are times I also have no idea what they are saying so I can’t blame the program.

      So, that probably was not too helpful, but it’s at least another option to look at.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh wow I just looked at Trint and it seems like it’d be amazing but it is so expensive! I think I’ll try the others first. Can’t seem to get the hang of the Google one. It looks complicated :(

    4. Choggy*

      Okay, so I just tried out Google Docs with the “Voice typing” option (under the Tools menu), and it seems to work fairly well. Just need to use Chrome to access Google Docs. All free!

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh great! Thanks so much…I am looking for voice typing, so that it perfect.

      2. Lena Clare*

        Choggy I’ve just tried this and it totally suits my needs right now! Thank you so much, this is just what I wanted.

    5. The Doctor is In*

      I have used Dragon Medical for years, which works great withe Internet Explorer but not so well with Chrome or Edge. (Formatting issues). And the medical version is not cheap.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Ah ok maybe that’s why the mixed reviews.
        I will need to occasionally transcribe things from files also, sooo that’s why I was considering it.

        Can I ask, it does do live dictation doesn’t it, not just audio files?

  17. Lizzie*

    Re Theodore Laurence previously known as Shadow – Alison, could Laurie be deaf? I adopted a black cat when she was eight, three years ago, and it is only in the last six months that I have realised she is completely deaf! Her ears don’t move around at all, unlike any other cat’s constantly alert and moving ears. If she is miawing in another room, and I call out to her- no response. Until I realised, I thought she was rather aloof, a bit jumpy, a deep sleeper, and so on. Many ‘personality’ quirks are now explained… her tolerance of the noisy vacuum cleaner, lack of concern at thunder, obliviousness to me talking to her, being calm in the car, unbothered by dogs barking etc.

    As my cat can see, smell things (food being prepared), feel vibrations, notice changes in air pressure (eg when a door is opened), it took me a long time to understand that she could not hear me and was using her other senses instead. Now that I know, if she miaows in the night I will put the bedside light on to show I have heard her, and she will come in to the room rather than keep on yelling in the hallway. I use more hand signals, and I stroke her more, rather than verbally praising her. It has been a learning curve for me. At least my secrets are safe with her!

    IF Laurie is deaf, he has the tremendous support of Hank, as he can watch what Hank is doing in response to the environment and follow his lead. But if he looks around with interest and twitchy ears when you call him by his new name, then perhaps he was just waiting to be seen as himself, rather than someone’s shadow.

    1. Lena Clare*

      This is a really interesting point.
      And a beautiful story you shared about your own cat – thank you for that!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Their ability to compensate is amazing. I had a cat for four years before I finally understood she was blind in one eye. It does sound like your cat is deaf, but it seems like she’s adjusting well.

    3. TPS reporter*

      I also have a black cat I think is deaf. She was raised indoor feral by a hoarder and had no medical attention for anything let alone ear infections. She screams at certain times of day (especially when I’m on work calls) maybe trying to hear her own voice or being scared she can’t hear us.

    4. Worked in IT forever*

      I have a deaf black cat, but the deafness came with old age. It took a while for us to realize that she had become deaf (e.g., no reacting to the sound of the automated feeder opening up, no fear of the vacuum), maybe because we just assumed there was another reason for her behaviour. We have to be careful not to startle her, which happens if we touch her before she sees us first.

      I should say that we think she’s about 99% deaf, because we noticed that she can still occasionally react to a couple of specific high-pitched tones.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        When our old man cat got deaf, we identified it because I’d walk up the hall behind him, carrying a basket of laundry and talking to him, but when I reached down to pet him he startled bad enough to almost hit the ceiling. :) He got really vocal around the same time – we figured he yelled a lot because he couldn’t hear anything but himself.

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Interesting! He does seem to respond to sound, but maybe not quite as much as the other cats. I’m going to keep an eye on that; maybe his hearing is a little impaired.

      My theory, though, is that maybe his name was never Shadow. He and Hank came from a situation where one person had 30-something cats (and then couldn’t care for them all so had to surrender them), and I could see the shelter easily mixing up the names of some of the cats who looked similar.

      1. Waffles*

        He’s a cat! If he decided his name isn’t Shadow, then his name isn’t Shadow.

      2. Black Horse Dancing*

        It may be for the best.A new name can help mean a newstart.We adopted a badly abused cat–lord,she was frightening in her attacks on people–and after months of work and a newname (Tiamat also known as Tia) she is greatly improved.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      One of our cats had a real personality change when she lost her hearing. Became much less jumpy and afraid.

  18. Condo question*

    I live in a condo where the upstairs neighbor put in hardwood floors. This is against the condo rules because of noise. And they are loud. I can hear and feel every step they take. When their young child runs back and forth across the living room, it is like a drum is beating overhead. I contacted the condo manager and asked if there was something that I could do to minimize the sound in case others had the same issue. They contacted the neighbors to remind them of the rules and the neighbors contacted lawyers. I have no idea what has happened since. It has been over a month.

    My question is, outside of selling and moving out which would be difficult financially and no potential buyer would want to buy if they heard the noise, is there anything I can do? I cannot think of a way to soundproof my unit’s ceiling. I don’t know how condo rules are enforced if the neighbors just refuse to put down rugs or switch to carpet and refuse to pay condo fines . Thanks.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      I think that’s a question you’ll have to take up with the condo manager.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      How high are your ceilings and how much can you modify them? If you can stand an inch or two less, you might try for a layer of soundproofing, either another layer of drywall or acoustic panels. You can also do acoustic foam but it’s ugly.

      Google “ceiling soundproof snoring source” for a good overview of options.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        I have heard (but have no personal experience) that Green Glue soundproofing glue works. You put it between two layers of drywall.

    3. CC*

      I use to live in a condo with the same rules. We could put a lien on the home so typically did not have an issue getting it fixed – though some people needed 6 months or so to pay for the new carpets.

      We also added a bolded sentence to the front page of the resale packet that only carpet was allowed in X areas & you cannot install hard floors. And that the interior of the unit was not inspected as part of the resale but the new owner would be required to fix any flooring issues (said more smoothly). (We also tried to check the real estate listing pictures to force a fix before closing but we put the clause unjust in case we missed it.)

      And in case anyone is wondering why it matters if the sound was not previously a problem, a single owner who wears socks all the time maybe didn’t have a sound issue but then they sell to a family who wears shoes in the house & the kids play with balls & they have pets walking around all night, it becomes an issue! It is easier to just say no.

    4. Ranon*

      Condo rules are typically enforced by the condo association leining and ultimately possibly foreclosing on the non-compliant property.

      The association should consider modifying their rules, if the goal is to limit noise transmission there are criteria called STC (Sound Transmission Class) and IIC (Impact Insulation Class) that establish criteria regardless of floor finish. It is possible to put a wood floor in that transmits as little sound as carpet, it is just expensive. (It is also possible to build buildings that don’t have this problem, but again, it costs money to do so and doesn’t do any of us any good)

      It is possible to reduce the sound coming from the upper unit on your side somewhat, depending on how much the impact noise from above is traveling down the studs rather than through the floor/ ceiling assembly. If you have a few inches you could remove the drywall from your ceiling, install a set of channels that run perpendicular to the ceiling framing, and reinstall the drywall over that (upping the insulation between your unit and theirs while you’re at it). With the right details this would almost certainly significantly improve the sound between your units, it is also (of course) expensive. By running the channels perpendicular on the framing rather than the existing ceiling you significantly reduce the amount of impact sound transmitted. You could also do two layers of channel on top of the existing ceiling but you lose the opportunity to insulate and significantly more height from your ceiling.

      1. Llellayena*

        Hi fellow architect! I don’t know that the channels will help all that much on impact sound. That usually needs to be caught closer to the source by putting an acoustic mat under the flooring. So that’s more a push from the condo board. If you have reasonably high ceilings and wouldn’t mind losing about 5-6 inches you could put in a dropped second ceiling with a layer of acoustic insulation behind, that might be cheaper than tearing the ceiling down to put the channels in (also tearing the ceiling down might be against condo rules if it directly affects the fire rating). Is the building structure wood or metal/concrete?

    5. RC Rascal*

      Condo Board President here. You need to review your Bylaws & Declaration and then talk to Board members. The Property manager is hired by the HOA/ Board. Your recourse depends on how your Bylaws & Declarations are written plus Boards willingness to enforce. At my building we have ways to give a non compliant owner plus we can suspend voting rights. Fines compound at a credit card type interest rate as our state allows it. They continue until the violation is rectified. If building owners agree we can also lien property & force the sale.

  19. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    I have two novels that I read about 15 years ago that I’m trying to recall the names of. I’ve tried the usual places (Goodreads, reddit, library thing) with no luck. They are definitely published before 2004 because I bought them from a discount table to read after work on a job I had that summer. They are both archaeology themed, but my memory of the plots is very hazy.

    First one: has something to do with the Mississippian or Mound Builders culture of the southeastern US (also related to the Caddo, and associated with sites like Spiro and Cahokia). The story might be set in Arkansas or Oklahoma. I *think* that the main character is some kind of law enforcement officer or local official, possibly he is a Native American tribal officer who is in some way descended from the Mississippians. The plot involved the discovery of a new major archaeological site that comes to light when the main character’s friend, a professor, acquires an artifact called a carved shell gorget (a large piece of shell with carved figures on it, usually humans or animals). I think the artifact was illegally looted from somewhere, and they start to investigate where it came from. I vaguely recall that the main character somehow witnesses events taking place in the past but I don’t remember if there is actual time travel or some kind of supernatural thing going on.

    Second one: a group of archaeologists excavate a site in the Arctic somewhere, and they somehow accidentally release a disease (from some kind of puffball mushroom inside a grave, IIRC). This disease is hugely contagious and spreads around the world very rapidly with the usual collapse of civilization etc. you get in disaster movies. There was something about fighting off feral dogs.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I failed to actually ask the question: does anyone recognize either of these?

    2. Llellayena*

      The first one sounds like one of the Tony Hillerman novels. Though I think his novels are more Southwest than Midwest. I’ve only read one a couple decades ago so hopefully someone else can be a bit more specific for you.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      That second one- I had to ask my dad, because it’s definitely familiar to both of us. Might it be White Plague or Cold Earth?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        It also reminds me of a different book, but that one was 1) antarctic 2) had dinosaurs and I’m pretty sure you would not have forgotten the dinosaurs.

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          No, it was definitely archaeology and not paleontology. I remember picking them up because it was a bit unusual to see archaeology themed novels and it seemed like appropriate reading material for an archaeology job.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Actually, they were archaeologists, the dinosaurs were alive and trying to eat said archaeologists. Hence why I was pretty sure you wouldn’t have forgotten about them. ;p

    4. Wehaf*

      Your description of the second one matches about 80% with John W. Campbell’s “Who Goes There” – any chance you conflated another book with that one?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Who Goes There? is the novel The Thing was based on; there are no puffballs that I recall, just the alien spaceship in the ice. But it sounds really familiar.

        1. Wehaf*

          Well then, I got nuthin’, sorry! I’m intrigued, though; both books sound interesting.

    5. Reba*

      Wow, I think I want to read the moundbuilders one. I’m not into mysteries (if that’s what it is) generally, but this is one of my nerd areas!

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        This is why it’s driving me nuts that I can’t find it! Though I have found a few other books that are set in this area that might be interesting.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Definitely not that. It was distinctive because it was about the South East.

    7. Texan In Exile*

      I was thinking it was a little bit like Smilla’s Sense of Snow, a book that ticked me off with its ending because I hate when the author resorts to “monsters! from outer space!”

      Hillerman is New Mexico and Navajo. When I watched “The Searchers,” I think the Native Americans were supposed to be Comanche, but the actors were Navajo, which I figured out because I heard them say “Ya at eeh,” which I knew was Navajo just because I am such a Hillerman fan.

      1. allathian*

        One of my pet peeves! I really dislike it when people lump all First Nation tribes together (and I’m a white European woman) and think that it’s acceptable to just substitute one for the other. The same thing happens with Asian actors as well and it irks me. Still, I suppose even that’s better than the travesty that was Dances With Wolves, where all the native people were played by Caucasian actors. That may have been acceptable in 1990 but I sure hope it wouldn’t fly now.

        1. Black Horse Dancing*

          Actually, there were many Natives on Dances WIth Wolves. I don’t understand why you would say there weren’t.

        2. allathian*

          I stand corrected on most of them, but Mary McDonnell? I’m not saying she did a bad job and it’s not as if I noticed it at 18.

          1. Beachlover*

            Mary McDonnell’s character was not native american, she was a white character raised by native Americans.

    8. Becky*

      The second one reminds me of The Girl With All the Gifts, though I have only seen the movie not read the book, and it’s more focused on the aftermath from memory…

      1. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

        Can’t resist: the Soundtrack to The Girl With All The Gifts (by Cristobal Tapia de Veer) is an amazing piece of work. One of the few things I’ll listen to with headphones so I can catch all of the nuances.

    9. Finny*

      The only books I can think of that might fit are Sacred Ground by Mercedes Lackey, or one of the North America’s Forgotten Past books by Kathleen O’Neal Gear and W. Michael Gear, though the later are more set in the past than present day.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Yes, I thought maybe some of these but the book I’m trying to remember was published earlier and was not set in the past. I’m starting to think I I dreamed it!

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Dang, not that either. I’m seriously wondering if I dreamt it.

    12. Jayess*

      Could this first one have been a book by Navada Barr? Sounds like some of her work.

  20. A.N. O'Nyme*

    So in keeping with the new rule I’m going to adapt the writing thread a bit: writers, what do you do when you have to get some writing (in case of a deadline, for example) done but the words just will not come?
    As usual, this is not limited to fiction writing, any writing goes

    1. London Calling*

      One writer (Somerset Maugham springs to mind but might not have been) said just sit and write something, anything to get the pump primed. Or you could follow the example of Robert Benchley, who had to write an article and started with ‘The’ and then got stuck. Eventually he typed ‘hell with it’ after ‘the’ and went and did something else.

    2. Ina*

      I write. It sounds trite, but it’s the only thing that works for me. I will literally sit and write “I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write….” over and over for fifteen minutes. After that, if I haven’t thought of anything better to write, I can stop. But I have to sit at the desk and write for those fifteen minutes, no matter what.

      It’s very rare that it takes more than three or four minutes for me to start writing something for the actual book I’m working on.

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I start writing about my cat. She’s a never-ending source of amusement and confusion, so there’s always something to write about. And usually by the end of that topic, I’ve either written something longer and polished about her that I actually like or I’ve gotten myself primed enough to go tinker around with other stuff. :)

    4. Shirley Keeldar*

      I write about how I’m stuck–that’s what a writer’s notebook is for. Stuff like, “I don’t know how to start this chapter, I can’t figure out the ending, what about this, no that’s bad, what about that?” It usually gets me to a place where I can get going.

      Also, I’ve generally noticed that writer’s block (for me) is not about not having ideas; it’s about being sure all my ideas are horrible. If I can make peace with writing out one of the horrible ideas, it often leads me to something better or turns out to be not so bad after all.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        That is such a good point about being sure my ideas are horrible! Often for me it is also being sure that my writing itself is horrible–usually I just have to write it “badly” first, and then a rewrite will make everything better. This always reminds me of what Anne Lammott says about shitty first drafts. (Pardon the swearing, if I remember correctly those are her words)

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        Yes! This is me too.

        I am so certain that my ideas are horrible that I sort of close my eyes and hold my nose to write it, but now I’m beginning to realise that that’s fine because that’s what editing is for. The first draft is supposed to be rubbish because you’re telling the story to yourself, and I’ve surprised myself so many times with enjoying the final version of something that felt like I had to squeeze blood from a stone to get it onto paper.

        1. knead me seymour*

          On a similar note, one thing that works for me is thinking of a first draft as something categorically different from an edited draft. For me, it’s just a place to assemble the ingredients for the cake, and the cake itself emerges in subsequent drafts. You can’t just make a cake out of thin air (at least I can’t). I find that a bit easier to wrap my mind around than the idea of just writing terrible stuff that I’ll fix later.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve always said to myself, 500 words. 500 words per day and at least I’m moving forwards. Sometimes that 500 words might take me all day, other times it might take me an hour, but by having that minimum limit, I find that it helps me to force the words out when I need too.

      Also, bullet points. These have saved me so many times. I bullet point the scene I’m struggling with and then write out each bullet point in more depth. Before I know it, I have the scene written.

    6. Hazy Days*

      My rule is that I can try for 10 minutes, or 25 minutes (depending on what I’m working on) and after that, if it’s not working, I’m done.

    7. NewReadingGlasses*

      This is a hard one. Some part of my brain knows pretty closely the actual amount of time needed, and will not switch on until deadline – time. At which time it (so far) it has always switched on and I just get it done. I really hate that part of my brain and I’d like to do the writing sooner. However, it’s been functioning this way for several decades.

      1. knead me seymour*

        I am also like this, but over the years, I’ve come to realize that at least for me, it’s more superstition than anything. I’m kind of the same way about falling asleep, weirdly–I get so anxious about not being able to do it that I’ve come up with all kinds of maladaptive strategies that are really just outlets for my anxiety. In reality, I’ve learned if I can write under pressure, I can also write (and write better) without the pressure, if I just learn to trust that I can do it. I’ve actually found the “Ologies” podcast episodes about sleep and procrastination both very helpful in this process.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I do this too– just writing crap until the words start to come. I also notice that if I start making notes about what I want to do, I end up writing snippets I can chase into a full-blown set of pages.

      Right now, I’m working on a screenplay (my first), and I’m extremely frustrated that I can’t employ my usual way of working out dialogue (speaking/rehearsing it), because I’m not in my own private space. UGGGGGGHHHHH.

    9. ECHM*

      As a journalist – when I struggle starting a story, I usually start typing up my notes in order, and that provides a pretty good outline to work from. Once I get done with the body of the story, it’s usually pretty easy to come up with the lede. Sometimes, a perfect lede will pop into my head and set the stage for the rest of the story.
      A few other things:
      1. Being under deadline pressure helps a lot. (I can definitely relate to NewReadingGlasses’ comment.)
      2. Food as motivation did wonders for me, especially when I was at my full-time newspaper job.
      –When I finished a story or task I really didn’t want to do, I would go buy a 4-pack of Reese’s cups and a Dove dark chocolate bar from the store across the street.
      –When I had several stories to write, I set up my computer at a local restaurant, ordered the buffet and kept eating while I worked.
      (On the other hand, now I’m on the treadmill twice a day due to the side effects of this motivational technique …)

    10. RagingADHD*

      I make notes, review, expand, repeat. Sooner or later it turns into actual text.

    11. JKP*

      I skip ahead. If I’m stuck at some point, I just skip over it as if it’s already written and start writing at whatever point I can get the words flowing again. Then later, I go back and fill in the bits I skipped.

    12. Allison K*

      I write about what I’m supposed to be writing. “Need scene here with Jane and Mary, Mary confronts Jane about the documents and says something like…” and usually after about five minutes the scene starts being written for real. Then I go back and fix the beginning.

    13. Claire*

      I’m sad about the new rules, because I always found this weekly check-in to be helpful even if I didn’t always post. However! To answer the question: I find that I can trick my writer brain several ways:

      * I tell myself that I’m not writing, I’m just jotting down notes for the current scene or chapters
      * I try to shut down the internal editor (also called Radio KFUKD by Anne Lamott) and tell myself that it’s okay to write a shitty first draft
      * I give myself permission to take frequent small breaks

      All that said, I don’t have a current deadline, so I spent this past week finishing a short story in my Janet Watson series. Because I love this character so much that her words just POUR out.

  21. PX*

    BA Test Kitchen Discussion!

    You guys, three (3) new episodes of Gourmet Makes this week! And Gourmet Remakes is fantastic! Seeing Claire just disregard her own advice (lol, pop tart with meringue topping) is hilarious, and her seeing what fans had made was so sweet. Truly the kind of content the world needs right now.

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I love BA test kitchen, thanks for the heads up! Some of my go to recipes are BA (last night’s dinner of chicken parm) if you haven’t made their buttermilk biscuits you are missing out!

      1. PX*

        You’re welcome! I’m still deep in binging the back catalogue, so I basically had really pleasant surprises when suddenly the recommended videos had new things in them :D

        Im an incredibly lazy cook, and now that its summer I’m even less inclined to get into the kitchen so I’ve not looked at their recipes much yet. But good to hear the recipes are solid.

        However I will say that I’m thinking about food a lot more in a good way (I got takeout yesterday and was analysing the flavour profiles in my head ala Chris Morocco). And I was inspired to buy miso paste at the supermarket so they are definitely influencing my buying habits. Now to actually do something with it :’D

      2. PX*

        Like Grace said, all on Youtube, and please, come join me in my madness! I must have watched like 50+ episodes in the last few weeks and if you couldnt tell, I am thoroughly enjoying this rabbit hole.

    3. BRR*

      Chaco tacos part two was an emotion roller coaster (a sentence I never thought I’d write). I was sad to see her have to start over but seeing Delaney and Rhoda “drop in” gave me a nice warm feeling. I didn’t know of the third one so Im glad to have something exciting for this weekend.

        1. PX*

          For sure!

          Oooh that definitely needs to be some kind of quiz: Which BA Test Kitchen personality are you? :D

      2. PX*

        Ahaha, yes. This has been a year of many sentences we never thought we’d have to write, but part two was so fascinating! How she was simultaneously more efficient but also cared so much less about certain things, and obviously had to be more resourceful given that actually doing all these things from home kind of changes the dynamic. I really hope she makes the original ice creams again someday because they looked/sounded amazing.

        And yes, so happy to see the others popping in!

    4. Granger Chase*

      Ahhhh thank you for letting us know! I love the BA Test Kitchen. Claire’s incredible knowledge of food, innovative ideas, and her disdain for about 85% of the projects they have her do on Gourmet Makes is what keeps me coming back. And her hair! Nobody talks about her hair but it is absolutely gorgeous and she just rocks it.

      1. PX*

        Oh you definitely need to watch these latest episodes as she talks about her hair when watching back on the Remakes episode! And yes, it is amazing. Also, her earrings are very often *chefs kiss*

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Thank you for this recommendation–this is wonderful. As someone who just finished rewatching a bunch of GBBO.

      So far I have just done post-quarantine videos, and I really love the spirit of it.

      1. PX*

        You’re welcome! So glad to have someone else along on my crazy new ride.

        The post-quarantine videos have been super great in terms of seeing them all work in a ‘normal’ environment. But I feel like their producers also need a massive shoutout – all the content so far has been so relevant and a nice reminder that you dont need much to make delicious food! Yesterdays episode on freezer food was a great example of that.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The producers are great. Both the little snarky comments and the way the short bits are spliced together to tell a story, like multiple people explaining the same basic way to brew coffee.

          1. PX*

            Yes! Their brand identity (a phrase which sounds a bit dirty to say but is very accurate) is very clear and defined which is nice. If you watch Its Alive you will definitely have fun with how those are edited and put together :D

            Of all the videos Carla’s (Back to Back) are probably the purest/simplest/most wholesome, which feel like they match her temperament quite a bit. I actually think all the individuals’ shows have an editing style/tone which matches their personalities quite well now that I think about it!

    6. LemonLyman*

      Just discovered BA Test Kitchen YT content last week and have been binging like crazy! I’ve watched every episode that Chris Morocco is in and every quarantine episode. They’re really killing it with the home kitchen content! (The scavenger hunt! Priya’s parents! So fun!) I haven’t seen any Gourmet Makes eps until the pop tart Remake that came out a couple of days ago. It was precious. Definitely a Claire fan now! Also love me some Sohla. And Delaney. And… well, all of them!

      1. PX*

        Yes! It’s so bingeable as well! You end up feeling like these are your nice coworkers who you wouldn’t mind getting a drink with.

        If you want peak adorable, I recently watched the episode of It’s Alive (get to know Brad!) with Samin Nosrat (making foccacia) and it is honestly just adorable. Feel good TV at it’s finest.

  22. A.N. O'Nyme*

    So, gamers (including board games etc): if you could recommend one game, which would it be and why?
    For me at the moment (my answer to this question would probably change every time someone asked) it would be Bravely Default. Haven’t gotten far in it yet, but I’m loving the story and the battle system so far. Also, so many punny names!

    1. fort hiss*

      Ugh, Bravely Default lost me at the red mage part of the story. Implied sexual assault and abducting women treated as comedy… no thanks. The game has tone problems.

      1. fort hiss*

        As for recommendations, it would depend on what the person is into with games, but Baba Is You is a fantastic indie puzzle game that needs more hype.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I’m not that far yet, only just got the airship. Guess I’ll see for myself, but so far none of the bosses struck me as comedy… deconstruction/parody, sure, but not comedy.
        Also I’ve been looking at getting Baba Is You! The premise definitely sounds interesting.

        1. fort hiss*

          I don’t know anyone who played it who liked the red mage part, though some folks didn’t have as visceral a reaction to it, which I get. You will probably see some uh, cracks in the veneer, show as you go on. There’s a perverted sage character later too, which especially sucks when you learn that the English version of the game aged the girls up to make the constant hitting on them and battle bikinis less gross. They also felt the need to censor some of the female costumes because they were inappropriate. Sorry, I know I sound bitter, but I also liked the gameplay and general style of the game until the way the game treated women broke it for me. It’s nothing you don’t see in otherwise great JRPGs like Persona 5, but I’m tired, you know?

          Baba is You avoids all of that by being the world’s cutest puzzle game and not at all an RPG by a legacy company, LOL.

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Not trying to be funny, because I would’ve totally said this a year ago, but as far as board games go I really like Pandemic. It’s cooperative and still fun with just two players, but a little more complex than a lot of games (without being a major marathon like Risk).

      If gallows humor isn’t your thing right now, I also recommend Huggermugger. It’s a word mystery/trivia hybrid game. Sort of hard to describe, but super fun!

      1. DarthVelma*

        My partner and I really enjoyed Pandemic Legacy. The basic game is fun, but we really enjoyed the legacy aspect where we were cooperating to hold the world together and trying to figure out a cure while things just kept getting more difficult.

    3. CatCat*

      I would recommend Ticket to Ride. It’s just the right blend of luck and strategy and also doesn’t take forever to play.

      1. Overeducated*

        This is my top game for playing while socializing, but no one else seems to agree!

    4. Overeducated*

      I like Castles of Mad King Ludwig. It appeals to the kid in me who likes to decorate castles in her mind.

    6. Alaska_Blue*

      Carcassonne was my gateway game to the world of board games! I love it and buy it for friends! Also good for parents who want to game with their pre-teen and older kids.

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        My nickname for it is “City Planning Disaster Time” and my brother and I love it too! Simple but with cool depths!

      2. allathian*

        My husband’s friends used to host Carcassonne game nights. I love it because you can increase the board size quite a lot with the add-on packs. Hmmm, might have to buy this so we can play with our pre-teen.

      3. Emily*

        Carcassonne is one of my favorites! I like that the rules are simple but the play requires some amount of thought. Plus, as a visual person, I enjoy putting down the tiles and watching the board come together.

    7. Buni*

      Bananagrams, hands down. It’s like….if Scrabble is two gentlemen fencing, then Bananagrams is a street brawl. My friends & I have huge, swear-y death-matches that one of these days is going to result in the neighbours calling the police.

    8. Granger Chase*

      I’ve been playing My Time at Portia for the last few weeks and am enjoying it so far! It reminds me of Harvest Moon/Story of Seasons a bit but there’s more of a crafting aspect to it. Some tasks can be a bit of a grind, but if you set up your workshop to have a steady output of certain materials you can avoid the slough. I think the storyline is interesting and the character designs/personalities are intriguing as well. I’ve been playing it on PS4 but it’s also available on PC/stream and I believe the Switch as well.
      Also, by far my favorite character is the bear who walks around in a bathrobe. We have quickly become friends! Lol

    9. The Other Nigel*

      I’d also recommend “Pandemic” but as my spouse will tell you, I’m a somewhat twisted individual.

      Also “Forbidden Island” is a great little game — it’s another cooperative game where you are trying to collect treasures from an island that is slowly sinking into the ocean. Quite short, and has a lot of replay value.
      Bonus: here’s an episode of Tabletop where they play it. https://youtu.be/DxG_ahmF1uM
      (Don’t worry about Wil Wheaton’s bad Twilight Zone intro, the show is back to normal after the titles)

      1. Jackalope*

        I personally consider that Pandemic and Forbidden Island are more or less the same game. I mean, they’re not, but the rules and purpose are pretty similar. And both of them are fun.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I recently discovered the Fabularium app that lets you play the old Infocom type text adventures.

      I lost days to Bronze, a solid weekend to Suveh Nux, and about a week and a half to Curses!

      My tween kids love Celestia, we all like Forbidden Island/Forbidden Desert/etc, and my husband & I enjoy the Unlock series of escape rooms.

    11. Raia*

      It sounds like you have a Switch, if you havent played Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild I hope you will consider it. Yes, I’m a Zelda fan, but exploration is so interesting and the puzzling and battles are rewarding in this specific game. Sneaking up on a skullcave and strategizing how the bokoblins will feel your wrath in particular this time, according to nearby resources/recently acquired armor/fun new weapon, is a great pasttime.

      For board games, my one vote would go to Dice Throne. It is a battle yahtzee kind of game where you play a hero like Monk, Paladin, Vampire Lord, etc. A player has 3 dice rolls to perform a fantastic attack, with a deck of cards to mitigate the luck there as well as provide attack upgrades. The game can be purchased in packs of two heroes, so its not to much money to try it out and see if you like it!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I don’t yet, actually! My plan was to get one this summer, but now it kinda depends on if I’ll even be able to get one given the current shortage. Breath of the Wild is definitely on my list, and in fact my local game store offers a package deal with a Switch, BOTW and some protective accessories like a screen protector and a carrying case. I briefly considered getting a Lite because I’ll probably end up using it handheld a lot anyway (and those are still in ample supply) but I figured I’ll shell out for a normal one.

    12. Carlottamousse*

      Terraforming Mars — while a bit long (can take 3ish hours), it’s a really interesting game and requires both strategy and luck. It’s well-designed and does not get boring, although it can be a bit slow to start the first few rounds as you start collecting resources. It can also be really hard to tell who’s winning until the end, which adds a bit to the fun.

      For cooperative games, I second Pandemic — fun, interesting, and challenging.

    13. Finny*

      Me, it’s a toss up between Okami-den for the Nintendo DS systems, Rhapsody for same, and any Shantae game (cannot wait til my Limited Run Games Shantae and the Seven Sirens Mega Bundle ships later this year–twas my birthday gift to myself, though I won’t get it til well after my birthday.)

      I love Okami-den for the art, story, and characters, plus it’s the second RPG I ever finished, and I’ve now played it so many times I’ve lost count.

      Rhapsody is the first RPG I ever finished, and it’s so very unique and amusing–a video game and a musical all in one.

      The Shantae games are just amazing platformers (my current favourite genre), with cool characters and abilities and stories. I started with Pirate’s Curse for the 3DS, then backtracked to the original Shantae and Risky’s Revenge (both available for download on the eshop). I will warn that the play controls for the original are weird–pretty much opposite all other Shantae games–and may confuse things if you’re playing multiple Shantae games in a row, as I tend to.

      I prefer games I can replay tons (just like I love rereading books and relistening to music and rewatching TV shows and movies–I like new stuff, too, but replaying/rereading/relistening/rewatching is very important as I don’t like the anxiety from the uncertainty of what might happen, if that makes sense), and for me the Shantae games, Okami-den, and Rhapsody all are very repayable.

      I’ve yet to play Shantae Half-Genie Hero for the Nintendo Switch as I don’t have a Switch Lite (thanks to income having gone down due to Covid but not down enough to make me eligible for any assistance programs), but am hoping to get one at some point before Seven Sirens reaches me.

      And I think I’ve blathered on enough at the moment.

    14. Gamer Girl*

      Tainted Grail, hands down! There’s a board game version, plus a video game version in the works.

      Gameplay: It’s a story-based campaign (long! 15 chapters. It’s real value for money!).

      The setup: You are part of a team of explorers, sent out from your village to find a refuge for them. The setting is somewhat Arthurian–knights of the round table, etc. There’s a strange force that is taking over the world, you may run into a plague, a civil war, endless marshes…and a kind of Upside Down. The writer is one of the biggest fantasy authors in Poland, and the English translation is quite good.

      We finished our first playthrough just before the pandemic, and we are looking forward to playing it again! There are a lot of narrative threads we got hints of but didn’t experience in our first playthough. There are also two more games in the works–a prequel and a sequel, both of which are impacted by your choices in the story in each game but have different mechanics and gameplay, and we are looking forward to both.

      Caveat: make sure to play with at least one person who doesn’t mind explaining combat with cards (really not my fave, but my partner is really good at it! After a few chapters, I got quite good at the combat system.)

  23. microphones*

    Is there any way to get better microphone sound from a laptop? I have a new laptop bought in December and the camera is so much better than it was, but there is one person I skype/zoom with regularly who has trouble hearing me, even when my volume is max. The microphone on this laptop is on the side of the laptop (who designs these things anyway). Other people don’t have issues hearing me. Is there anything I can do while I wait for my headset to get to me (which will be in a while, most of less expensive ones seem to be backordered). Would it help her if she used headphones?

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      Headphones could help! It could also be her internet connection.

      If she can usually hear you on the phone, you could call each other and skype muted with only video on—so the sound is through the phone only but you’re still getting video through the computer.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Double check to see if there’s another microphone on your laptop because I had this same issue. I’ve got a side mic, which I thought was the only one, but it turns out I have another next to my camera and I was able to switch over to that and the people I talk with via Skype noticed an immediate increase in quality. You should be able to do this in your audio settings.

      Also, get her to use headphones as well. I hear so much better when I’m wearing headphones because the sound is more focused.

    4. BRR*

      It’d probably help if she used headphones, assuming her volume is turned up. Does she have issues hearing other people? She might need to check the volume settings/volume levels in her program. Maybe it’s set too low so it doesn’t help even if the computer volume is turned up? I’m guessing when you say your volume is max you mean your mic volume but just in case check the mic audio setting in your software settings.

    5. Rick Tq*

      Check if your laptop supports Bluetooth devices, you may be able use a phone headset.

      Or, try calling in to the session from your cell phone and using that speakerphone setup.

      1. Bob*

        Thats plainly obvious, and the comic is predicated on this.
        That said i wonder if she would have more than a seven word opinion.

    2. Disco Janet*

      Ha! I loved reading my dad’s Dilbert comics as a kid (they now feel a bit too problematic in light of the author’s views. Sigh. At least I still have Calvin and Hobbes).

      I think she would sympathize with…Alice? Is that her name? Hopefully you know the character I’m talking about!

      2. Jim Bob*

        That raises a serious topic I’ve never seen a definitive answer to. Should we really be in the business of choosing art based on the personal beliefs of the artist rather than the quality of the art?

        I’d really be interested to see what the arts would look like if we only consumed art from artists with whose political beliefs we agree. For starters, anything before 1970 or so is out.

        1. Fikly*

          That’s because there isn’t a definitive answer to this question. It’s always going to be a personal choice.

          Although I don’t think everything that makes the creator of Dilbert massively problematic could be classified as a political belief.

          1. Jemima Bond*

            Milkshake duck?

            I just checked Adams out on Wikipedia and it mentions his support of a certain politician but that’s it – what are the things that are problematic but not political beliefs? I’m intrigued!

            1. Fikly*

              Well, he’s one of those people who thinks depression can be cured by deciding to be happy, for example. I wouldn’t call that a political belief.

              I would call it problematic, incredibly incorrect, and incredibly victim blaming, though.

            2. Disco Janet*

              He’s basically a misogynistic men’s rights advocate. Wrote an awful blog post about it (and this was before Trump running for president was a thing, so yeah, I’m talking separately from that), then deleted it saying us women are just so emotional we couldn’t understand his argument. According to him, women aren’t ever underpaid for being female, society dotes on us for the same reason they dote on children and the mentally handicapped (no seriously – that’s his choice of words there), and that men turning suicidal or violent is females’ fault for not giving them enough affection. He actually said once that he would be willing to be a suicide bomber.

              So yeah, there are some major parts of his comics that stop being funny when you realize he doesn’t actually mean for it to be a joke.

        2. StrikingFalcon*

          Well, it matters in so far as those beliefs influence the art in question. If you paint landscapes, your political beliefs aren’t necessarily super relevant, but if you believe women are less than men, your likelihood of writing a female character with actual agency goes way down. Not to zero – there is plenty of fiction out there with interesting, realistic female characters that isn’t modern in its sensibilities, but there’s also a lot of recent fiction with female leads who make literally zero decisions in the entire story, because every significant choice is made by the secondary male characters. There’s no need for some kind of universal ruling that politically incorrect stories are terrible, but my personal tolerance for this kind of story has hit zero. And there are a couple of other issues like that, where if the author’s beliefs bleed into the story, I have zero interest in reading or watching it. But that doesn’t mean I think others shouldn’t enjoy it if they like it.

        3. Blueberry*

          For starters, anything before 1970 or so is out.

          Why would you say that? I pretty much agree with Mary Shelley, James Baldwin, and Sappho on what I understand their politics to be, for three pre-1970 examples.

          ANyway, this whole question is terribly reductionist. How do we evaluate “the quality of the art” separately from the beliefs it espouses anyway? How does what we know about an author interact with what we see in a work? These are complex issues which people grapple with personally, not something we can find one answer for everyone for, and I’ve seen the accusation of “your criticism means no one can ever like this ever again” used far more as a weapon against criticisms of bigotry than against censorship of progressive ideas.

    3. Analyst Editor*

      I love Dilbert, hehe.
      I’d be more curious about Catbert, Evil Director of Human Resources, or Wally, the terrible employee.
      Or Alice, she of the fist of death.

      1. Bob*

        Indeed.
        If you reply Alison it would be interesting to hear your thoughts on all the characters.
        Another that comes to mind (beyond Dogbert) is Loud Howard.

        1. Bob*

          Heck this could be an article in itself, an Ask A Manager analysis of all the main characters.

        2. Black Horse Dancing*

          Or the intern–I forgot his name. Wally ‘s staple remover broke,so he told them to pass him the intern.

            1. Bob*

              He is one of the characters i really like. But there are so many good ones its hard to choose a favorite. Wally is so good at only not working but not being fired for it, Dogbert is an evil genius, Catbert is just evil, Dilbert is naive, Alice is determined, Mordac is hilarious. The accounting trolls get honourable mention, Ratbert, Bob the dinosaur…

  25. CoffeeforLife*

    I remember weeks (months) there was a discussion of American foods for a foreign traveler and the subject of biscuits and gravy arose which splintered into the biscuit/scone debate. *I think* they are two different foods and the tastes/textures are wildly different but had a British person comment that they were the same.

    WELL. I made the Royal scone recipe and yeah…not at all like an American biscuit. I feel vindicated.

    Also, the BEST American style biscuit recipe, hands down is BAs Best Buttermilk Biscuits. Google it. Try it. Your mouth will thank you. I try to make a few batches and then freeze. They bake up perfectly from frozen.

    1. fort hiss*

      I live in the south and am married to a British person. We’ve discussed the scone/biscuit thing and after several taste tests have definitively ruled in this house that scones and biscuits are different!! Biscuits are fluffier and more buttery.

    2. Kate Daniels*

      I’ve been on a quest for the past two years to find the perfect buttermilk biscuit recipe. Thank you for this suggestion! I will try it soon.

      1. BRR*

        I’m going stir the pot and found BA‘s recipe to be in the range of ok to good, my favorite is Thomas Keller’s recipe from Ad Hoc. you can search thomas Keller biscuit recipe for it. the first result I get is from the Toronto Star and incorrectly calls for self rising cake flour, don’t use self rising. I think what makes it different is using half cake flour to make them light and fluffy.

        I made my best version of them this week using 2 cups bleached all purpose (when I’ve used unbleached in the past) and making a cake flour substitute with bleached ap and some potato starch. Most cake flour substitutes call to sub in a little corn starch but I read some people taste the corn starch flavor and don’t with potato starch.

        1. Kate Daniels*

          Thank you for this recommendation, too! I will add it to my “to bake” list! :-)

        2. CoffeeforLife*

          I’ll have to try those now, thanks for wading in!

          My BA biscuits come out light, flaky, full of butter flavor with wonderful layers. My partner is from the deep south and he says they are the best he’s ever had.

      1. Granger Chase*

        Right?? Our local grocery store has an in-house bakery and they make the best orange cranberry scones. Mm. Not really the season for it but I always get some in the fall! Their lemon blueberry ones are good too, but they tend to leave those in the oven just a bit too long for my taste. I have a couple scone recipes to try so I might just have to make some now!

      2. Jemima Bond*

        Well they are pretty quick to make! Link to follow for a recipe by Delia Smith, a queen of british cookery.
        For American readers – I don’t believe raising flour is very widespread there so use plain (all-purpose) and some baking powder. The caster sugar (not sure of American word for this if different – finer than normal granulated sugar but not powdered/icing sugar) doesn’t need to be golden; white is fine. And I’m going to disagree and say it’s easier to rub the butter in if it’s cold.

    4. lazy intellectual*

      For a second I was like “Um, it what world are they the same?” Then it occurred to me people were talking about rolled scones, which I only discovered existed last year. They are still different, but I can see the confusion.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Biscuits are very different than scones.

      The very best southern-style biscuits are from a recipe in Southern Living that consists of nothing but White Lily self-rising flour, buttermilk, and butter.

      It’s very much like a rough-puff pastry, but worked less so it’s still short-textured, but has lamination.

      And it has to be White Lily flour, because it’s the only US brand made from a certaun type of wheat (soft white, I think?) that has a lower gluten content than other brands.

      We make them rarely because they are so snarfable.

    6. knead me seymour*

      Forgive the slight digression, but on the subject of biscuits: I’ve been informed that I have to try to recreate Red Lobster’s biscuits, and as I’ve never been to Red Lobster, I’m not sure what exactly I’m meant to be going for. Apparently these are iconic in some way. Is there anyone in the know who can tell me what it is that makes them different from a regular cheddar biscuit?

      1. Black Horse Dancing*

        They use white cheddar,I think and they are garlic as well, I believe.Very tasty!

        1. Natalie*

          Based on the mix they sell, it’s garlic powder, onion powder, and dried parsley.

  26. Loopy*

    I’m taking my birthday off for the first time ever this year (this coming Friday) and I realized don’t have a single birthday tradition!

    Usually we just go out for dinner and have cake but I’m curious what things others do for themselves on their birthdays? I’m usually alone on my birthday because of my husband’s work schedule (which is okay, we celebrate as soon as he’s free) and while this year I wont be, I wouldn’t mind starting some birthday traditions I can enjoy each year by myself. Would love to hear easy to implement ideas!

    1. Enough*

      The closest to a birthday tradition is we let the kids pick where to go for dinner. Had a couple of years where it meant going to Grandparents. My daughter wanted her chicken and mashed potatoes. Which is fine but was over 2 hrs away. The only other is that only 2 of the 3 kids will remember the exact day and either call or text on my or their Dad’s birthday. And it’s not always the same 2.

      1. Loopy*

        Ah, its funny, as an adult I’m so indecisive sometimes I don’t even know where I want to go for my birthday! I guess I can start thinking about next year on that one though…

    2. PX*

      Ahaha. The last few years I’ve celebrated with one of my best friends whose birthday is close to mine, but in general my tradition is to ideally take the day off work and do whatever I want to do! Sleep in late, binge watch whatever, eat whatever, and definitely have cake. Cake is essential.

    3. Kathenus*

      Sometime around my birthday I treat myself to a really good steak and make Bearnaise sauce (not homemade, Knorr packaged). Due to how much butter is in the sauce and how much I slather on the steak, baked potato, and veggies, I don’t let myself make it very often. But around my birthday it’s a treat I allow myself to enjoy without any guilt.

      1. Loopy*

        Hm, I’m starting to think of what my once (ish) a year birthday meal would be if I chose one!

    4. Emma*

      Happy birthday!
      I often like to go somewhere, not somewhere big, but maybe go for a walk somewhere in the city I haven’t spent much time before, or do a short day trip out of town (maybe not possible this year), or go to see an exhibition at a local gallery. At the moment, if I was celebrating with just myself, I might do something like go for a walk near my home and have a picnic in the park with a book (assuming sitting in the park allowed).

    5. Birthday Wishes*

      The birthday-haver always eats their cake/preferred dessert out of a big carnival glass pedestal bowl (This tradition is about 3 generation deeps in my family now). As we kids all grew up, my mom and I found one for each kid at antique stores so we could carry on the tradition in our own homes

    6. Jaid*

      My family will combine our birthdays and go to an expensive restaurant for one grand meal. This year is going to be the City Tavern (Dad’s choice). Eventually. Maybe in August.

      My birthday, I usually try to get sushi and cake if I’m by myself. I’ll take the day off and sleep in.

    7. NewReadingGlasses*

      My favorite birthday tradition is watch a cheesy movie with wine the night before and then sleep late the next morning. Later in the day, I’ll eat chocolate and eat a meal cooked by someone else. This may be a restaurant, but cooked by spouse is fine also.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been alone on many birthdays. It varies according to where I am, if I have any money, or if I have to work, but usually I do a couple of things.

      1. Buy myself a present. This can happen either on the actual day or before/after. It could be a small thing or a big thing, but it has to be a thing I want and not one I need (e.g., it can’t be fancy shampoo if I actually need shampoo). This year, I bought the full version of a screenwriting software.

      2. Make myself something I love to eat. It could be a dessert or a favorite meal. If I find a good restaurant that has birthday perks, I go out.

      One time when I lived in Santa Cruz, my birthday fell on Memorial Day, as it sometimes does. I had zero money and no one was around to hang out with. I’d discovered the local Fosters Freeze gave you a free shake on your birthday (I loved Fosters Freeze and hope they never close, ever). So I walked down and got a peach shake, then went back to my room and watched a Gilligan’s Island marathon. It sounds pathetic, but I enjoyed the hell out of it, lol.

      3. DO WHATEVER I WANT ALL DAY. It’s all about me, baby. :)

      The last one does not apply if I’m working on my birthday. If so, I do that part on the weekend.

    9. Umm, yeah, no*

      My kids always choose the meal they wanted for their birthday, and somewhere early in grade school started choosing a local brewery (great big burgers and beer batter onion rings!).
      I like to eat a little more upscale, but rarely choose to go out (working mom, didn’t feel the need to make a big deal out of getting older, life was already busy enough), and I never took the day off from work.
      Now I’m in the same boat as Loopy, no real tradition for myself. I am not really a cake fan, so a warm fruit pie and ice cream are what I tend to go for. And I hope that my sweetie will be able to wash dishes so I don’t have to (I usually end up washing them the next day, just like mother’s day…sigh).

    10. Wishing You Well*

      I hope you get some great ideas from all the responses. Some people do nothing for their birthdays – which is REALLY easy to implement, but probably not what you had in mind!
      Happy Birthday!

    11. Nita*

      For a few years my birthday would fall on a Friday or on the weekend, and it was always the weekend of a big music festival. Best birthday party ever. I haven’t gone for a few years and really miss it! But there’s also a parade happening in the city on the same weekend, so I’ve switched to seeing that and then celebrating.

      When my birthday is in the middle of the week though, I used to just work through it. Until that time when the kids made me cry in the morning by begging me to stay home, and when I got into work I got yelled at by a contractor for something that was out of my control (and kind of unexpected). Not how I want to spend my birthday, so I’ve been trying since then to take the day off.

      1. Hi there*

        Something similar happened to me once. I didn’t take my birthday off so I could ensure a class presentation in my program went well. One of the faculty members involved yelled at me for not having enough food, and of course, the extra food I ordered at the last minute to mollify her was uneaten. Taking my birthday off would have been so much better.

    12. Jackalope*

      I take the day off and let myself do whatever I want. It could be a massage, it could be reading a book, it could be playing on a blog, it could be cleaning the bathroom if that’s really going to make me happy, it could be calling my family in another country, whatever. I also always have a birthday party, one of two big events I throw for friends each year. (This one might be harder for you to do this year, but maybe next year?)

    13. Ariadne Oliver*

      I visit a Botanical Garden. I love flowers and my birthday is in May which makes for nice weather and lots of flowers. Then a visit to nice Cafe with patisseries. In the evening my husband and I toast with champagne.

    14. Hi there*

      I try to line up as many of my favorite things as possible so there is fun spread throughout the day. Time for my hobbies, my favorite foods, and cake for sure. I used to like to go to a nice spa in a cute town near me and get a facial on my birthday. ( Not the best idea now, sorry.). This year I went running, tried a new cinnamon bread recipe, read a book outside in the sun, had a Zoom happy hour with friends, and had ice cream cake and Thai takeout. Happy birthday!

    15. Just me, Vee*

      I live in San Diego and go by myself to the San Diego Zoo Safari Park in Escondido. I get there right when they open and go straight to the meerkats. Then I go thru the botanical exhibit up to the place that overlooks the Savannah. It is a stunning view and it calms me. Unfortunately, my birthday came during quarantine, and the Park was closed anyway. I will never take that tradition for granted again.

  27. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Looking for opinions. As y’all know, I put Sassy down due to a massive stroke that left her deaf, blind, and unable to walk. It was, without a doubt, one of the hardest decisions I’ve made, because I adored her so much. She was my constant companion when I was home. I was traumatized to the point of needing Xanax from it.

    It’s been almost two months, and I’m leaning towards getting a kitten from a rescue group. I’ve got half the people I know saying it’s too soon and that I’m trying to replace Sassy with a new cat and the the other half saying it’s not too soon.

    I just know I miss having a fur baby around to talk to and cuddle with when I’m at home.

    Thoughts?

    1. fort hiss*

      I don’t think it’s too soon to get another pet. They’re not like relationships! Caring about a pet is so rewarding, and it’s a chance to open your heart, not close it off.

      2. tangerineRose*

        I agree. Adopt a new kitty when you want to. You can honor Sassy by loving a new kitty.

        1. tangerineRose*

          If you get a kitten or young cat, you may want to get 2 so that they can play together. It’s adorable, and they get more playtime.

    2. sswj*

      It’s time when you feel it’s time, and your timeline is not the same as anyone else’s. There’s no right or wrong here.

      If you are missing having a furry friend around, go to the shelter or adoption place and see what’s there. I will just say that, for me, it’s best to just go visit with an open mind and no timeline. I try not to do the “today I will go get a kitten!” thing because I know I may end up disappointed, or come home with something that’s not quite the right fit.

      You know in your heart that there is no replacing your wonderful Sassy, (and oh how I wish I could reincarnate my best beloved cat E, I miss him so …) but there is room for another friend to love. Go and see who’s looking for a home.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        This.

        We just had to let go of our cat last month. I am taking a year off from cat ownership because I need the break from the workload and costs – medication 2x/day, 2x/mo vet visits, first time without a cat in 20+ years. My kid and I both are sad about this and miss the cat snuggles, but it’s just not time yet.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      People who think it’s too soon for you to get another cat… are more than welcome to not be you getting another cat. Seriously, what business is it of theirs. If you think you’re ready, go to town. If you’re not sure, try fostering and see if that nudges you either pro or anti.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, fostering is a great idea. Not only so OP can figure out which direction to go, but because it’s kitten season and lots of rescues need foster homes.

        1. Four-legged Fosterer*

          I’m sure in some parts of the world there is still a strong need for foster homes, but where I live there are a lot of offers and we are turning a lot of people away. It’s not just our rescue, as most of them have comments that they aren’t looking for foster homes right now.

          There are still animals that need to be rescued, but our biggest limitation right now is funding. We can’t take in many more animals than we used to, because we don’t have enough funds for vetting. And vetting is limited due to vet clinics only doing emergency care (vaccinations, but not spay/neuter).

          If someone wants to foster then they are welcome to do so, and I definitely encourage them to contact their local rescues, but if someone prefers to adopt then please do so!

          Although at this time the demand for dogs and puppies is overwhelming (hundreds of applications within hours for a puppy), and typically at this time of year we would have 30-50 cats and kittens waiting for adoption but right now we have 4. We have a bunch that are currently in or coming into care, so it’s not like we are without cats, but the adoptable ones are very popular and thankfully are finding great homes.

          To be clear, because a lot of people express concern:
          People aren’t randomly deciding to adopt pets and planning to abandon them. Rescues aren’t popular because people are bored. In our case the local shelters are closed, and our foster-based cat rescues are doing everything online with virtual visits and dog rescues are having meetups at the ends of leashes, so anyone who had planned to adopt this spring and summer is suddenly competing for a much smaller number of dogs and cats. It’s not ideal, but we are doing the best that we can.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, where I am we have a need for foster homes. I volunteer with a small cat rescue that is foster-based and without a shelter, so we always need foster homes. We get hit pretty hard during kitten season due to being one town over from a very low-income city. Many people have pets, but either can’t afford to or won’t spay or neuter them so we get lots of people dropping of boxes of kittens on the doorstep of the vet’s office, next to dumpsters, etc. It’s sad.

            1. Four-legged Fosterer*

              We have a similar situation (took in 20 kittens from a low-income home last weekend), but in our case the rescue has more of a funding problem than a foster home. We can only take in about 100-150 cats and kittens a year, depending upon the generosity of donations, so thankfully we have enough offers of help (we took in 4 new foster families to help with this group of kittens and give our typical foster families a bit of a break).

              I wish you the best of luck. It isn’t easy these days! I feel badly because there is more need for help, but our rescue has never been able to do much in comparison to the shelter that is now closed. And the vets aren’t doing spay/neuters, and the low-income spay/neuter clinic is closed, so there will likely be even more kittens. The shelter took in about 10,000 cats a year, so ours is one little drop in the bucket! But I keep reminding myself that we’re also helping 100+ cats and kittens, and how many people can say that?

              I hope that you get more offers to help foster.

      2. sswj*

        If you can do it, fostering is a great idea! It’s kitten season, and shelters are going to be overwhelmed soon. If you’re really up for it and have the space to do it, taking a momma with young babies is not only a ton of fun but is an enormous help to the shelter/adoption/foster agency. Handing the family back isn’t always so easy, I warn you, but maybe one or two could stay :)

      3. Thursday Next*

        Red Reader, I love your first sentence.

        You know if you’re ready, and you believe you are. That’s the only option that matters!

        We got a new kitten a month after our very young cat had died, because she was half of a sibling pair, and her newly lonely litter mate was inconsolable. I thought a month was too soon for me, but within a week of getting the new kitten, our other cat perked up. (I’m so glad he liked the new kitten—that was a big risk!) And that did my heart good as well.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Aw, I’m so sorry about your kitty! But you absolutely did the right thing. You should do whatever feels right for YOU. Who cares what other people think? What do YOU think? You’re the one that has to see the kitty everyday and take care of it, not them. And you’re the one wanting another kitty to cuddle with and talk to. There’s nothing wrong with that.

      I, too, am thinking about another rescue, even though we have many cats already. About a month and a half ago, a stray cat showed up literally on my doorstep, crying as though he lived here. Me being me, I went outside and fed him. He was skin and bones, matted, but very friendly. He obviously had a home at some point. He scarfed the food like he hadn’t eaten in weeks! He showed up the next day and I fed him again (of course I named him–Tigger). Then he didn’t come back. A couple weeks ago he showed up again, skinnier than before and with obvious mouth pain. My husband and I decided to bring him in the house and keep him in the spare bedroom, and then I took him to our vet the next day. He was there a week. Turns out he was 12-15 years old; hyperthyroid, which explains why he was 5.5 pounds (should have been 10-12 pounds); double ear infections; kidney disease; severe dental disease; and had a few ticks (no fleas!). He was congested, but not sick. The congestion got worse and they suspected that the mouth pain may be a large abscess or a mass of some sort in the pharynx (cavity behind the nose and mouth, connecting them to the esophagus). They tried steroids to reduce any inflammation that might be in the lungs, since they couldn’t check the pharynx without putting him under anesthesia. Unfortunately that didn’t work so it was try and do a needle biopsy or put him down. If we did the needle biopsy, we would then have to decide what to do about it. Treating an abscess in that area would be difficult and if it was cancer, there was no sense in treating it due to his age and health condition. Either of these things would have been traumatic for him so we decided to put him down. We went there to be with him when it was done. When we walked into the back area to the exam room, he brightened up, starting meowing, and came right up to the glass–he obviously remembered us. We went in and spent some time with him and then stayed while they put him to sleep. I cried so hard and my husband did, too. Even though he wasn’t really our cat and we’d only seen him maybe three or four days, we cried as though we’d had him for years. It absolutely broke our hearts, because I thought we could save him. We decided to get his ashes back and he’ll be buried near the garden, along with other kitties we’ve lost. I like to think maybe he knew how bad off he was and he came to us because he knew we’d help him, whether that was to end his misery or nurse him back to health.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        This story is making me cry. How lucky that kitty was that his last memories were with you – that he had someone who cared enough about him to make the hard decisions and to be there with him when he died. You did the right thing. xox

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Aw, thanks. :) I’m glad he came to us so he wouldn’t die alone, out on the street. It seems like it would have been a slow, painful death considering the shape he was in. The people at the vet’s office were upset, too. They said they’d grown attached to him over the course of the week because he was so friendly, always purring and happy to see them.

      2. charlatan*

        That is a sad story, but how wonderful for that poor baby that you and your husband were there for him like that. You’re good people.

    5. mreasy*

      My opinion is that if it feels right to you, it’s not too soon. I also have adopted new kitties a month or so after losing my prior much-beloved cats that id had for 15+ years – it just felt right to open our home and our hearts, and there are always cats who need loving homes. This doesn’t mean you love Sassy any less, just that you love having a feline companion. Your new kitten won’t be a replacement, but will have their own personality and you’ll have a new and different relationship with them. And, in my experience, sometimes they’ll do something that reminds you of your beloved cat who passed away, which is a beautiful thing when you love a cat so much.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Two MONTHS???

      When I lost my last dog, I had a new pup within a week. (horrors!) Hey, if you want a pet, then go get a new one. These wait periods feel contrived if the person already knows they want another pet. I knew I wanted another dog so I went right out and found my current boy. He’s been with me 11 years and he’s still going strong. Just because we lost our beloved pet is not the same as saying we lost our ability to love our pets. You are still you, you still love pets. Go get one and start afresh.
      Let us know what you found.

    7. Green Mug*

      Absolutely. Get a kitten. You have love in your heart for a kitten. There is no reason to wait.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I said goodbye to my last kitty in January (and said goodbye to the other one 18 months earlier). I didn’t think I would get a new cat for at least 6 months, but I adopted 2 young cats on March 7 and am so happy that I did. I missed having a cat around. I never felt like I was trying to replace my other cats (one I raised from a tiny kitten to 22 years old, and the other from 6 months to 19). I consciously choose cats that don’t look like my previous cats, which I think helped me to not think about them as replacements. I did worry about whether they would be as special to me as my previous cats, particularly the 22 year old, who was my baby and the sweetest cat who wanted to be with me 24/7 (she would have loved me being at home as much as I am now). But, the new girls have their own funny and sweet personalities and I can’t imagine being without them now. If you feel like it’s time to bring in a new friend, by all means go for it. I also thought of it as honoring the memories of my two previous cats, by adopting two new girls who needed a good home.

    9. TPS reporter*

      It’s not a replacement if you aren’t looking for the same cat. At the rescue I volunteer with some people select a cat because it look like a previous cat and I think that’s a mistake.

      I’ve had several cats and I always to the new ones about the old and tell them stories about their long gone sibling. I’m sure it’s only me getting something out of it but it feels like a nice tribute. Sassy will not mind I promise.

      Also with kittens two is better than one. They need socialization and are less likely to drove you crazy with destroying things of they have a playmate.

    10. Babs*

      I look at it this way. You are good animal parent and you only have a finite number of pets that you can love and spoil and give the best life to. Morbid math if you live to be 75 and have a single dog for the longest duration of say 15 yrs then you can only love on, spoil and give the best life to 5 dogs. I say hurry up! That next pet is waiting for you to give it the best life. I look at as honoring my beloved pet that has passed on with giving the best to the next one before I run out of time.

    11. MistOrMister*

      Everyone is different and what would be too soon for one person is the perfect timing for another. I agree with another commenter that fostering is a good compromise. But only if YOU have any doubts about adopting right now. If you are sure you are ready to adopt, then I say go for it.

      I know of someone through the internet who poasted a lot about his dog who then apparently died suddenly. He seems to have gotten a new dog relatively quickly (within a month or two I believe), named her in honor of the other dog, and is on love with her already while still missing the other dog. And everyone is thrilled that he has a new companion. The time for a new pet is when you think it’s time. Anyone who thinks they have a right to dictate your timeline to you needs to live their life, not yours.

    12. Stephanie*

      Oh, I’m so sorry about Sassy.
      Those people saying that it’s too soon are kind of cruel. If you feel ready, then it’s not too soon. You are not trying to replace her. I always liked looking at it this way: you have love to give to an animal who needs it. Your love for Sassy will not be tarnished because you open your heart to a new kitty.
      If you want a new kitty, I say go for it.

    13. Disco Janet*

      You miss having a fur baby – so go get one! Other people don’t get to decide what is too soon for anyone besides themselves.

    14. Foreign Octopus*

      I had a wonderful friend who loved her dog fiercely and was heartbroken when he died. She thought it was too soon to get another one but she started experiencing depressive symptoms and kept not turning up to work as a consequence of the lethargy. The second she got her dog from a rescue, everything about her just brightened.

      It’s not too soon if you feel ready.

      Some people just need a furry friend in their home.

    15. Jane*

      Seconding everyone saying it’s not too soon if you feel ready, and I’m side-eyeing the people in your life telling you you’re trying to replace her, that’s a terrible thing to say. Of course you’re not trying to replace Sassy, she was deeply loved and will always have a place in your heart. But that doesn’t mean you can’t open up your heart to another animal.

      I lost my cat last month and I was (and am) heartbroken, as I’ve felt after every cat I’ve lost. It’s always just awful. But I’ve also always rehomed pretty quickly, because that’s what’s right for me and my home doesn’t feel right without a cat. The only reason I don’t have a new cat now is that no shelters in my area are rehoming while we’re under lockdown. It doesn’t mean I love the cats I’ve lost any less – I’ve grieved them all very deeply, and to be honest I couldn’t read your earlier threads because they were too close to home, I knew for a couple of months before I lost my boy he didn’t have long left.

      Do what you feel is right, and it sounds like for you that is giving another cat a home.

    16. What the What*

      I loved every cat I have ever lived with. I can safely say that it is never too soon to get a new companion. They each have their own personalities to get to know.

    17. Ask a Manager* Post author

      You sound ready for a new cat(s)!

      While I know this isn’t for everyone, the only thing that has ever helped me get over the loss of a cat is … getting a new cat(s). The new cat doesn’t replace the one you lost because of course they can’t, but for me it’s helped me shift my focus and takes the shaper edges off of the process. And I figure, “It makes no sense to sit here feeling awful and like my house is empty while there are tons of cats in cages at shelters who would love to have a home.”

    18. Four-legged Fosterer*

      I’m just adding to the pile of people who can’t believe that others are pushing you not to adopt because of ‘too soon’ excuses. Do what is best for you! If you had two cats then would they tell you to love the second one less after Sassy passed? Love is not finite! I know this is pushing the comparison a long way, but do parents of two children love them half as much? It’s a completely ridiculous way to think about things, that your love of Sassy will be altered based on how soon you get a second cat.

      This is kitten season, so the best time to adopt kitten(s)*. Some rescues have had a lot of requests to adopt and don’t have many kittens for adoption, so you might want to check now so that you aren’t disappointed in a few months. Southern US always has too many cats and dogs, yet in the north there is a huge demand for dogs and puppies, and adoptable cats are more scarce than they used to be (as mentioned above – with shelters closed there is more demand on foster-based rescues, and they have limited funds so can’t increase the number that they rescue too much). I would strongly push you to listen to your own heart and do what is best for you, but I also mention the reduced number of available rescued cats so you aren’t disappointed later.

      * I agree with TPS reporter: If you get kittens younger than 6 months, then I recommend you adopt a pair. They are so much better off that way. Our local rescues have a policy that we will only adopt kittens in pairs, or to a home where there is a cat or dog that will play with them. If you prefer only one kitten then shelters and rescues are full with kittens and cats that are 6 months – 2 years old.

    19. No Tribble At All*

      I’m going to shamelessly quote from Jen from Epbot over here: “If anything, it honors them, because it shows how much happier they made your life, how they taught you that life is always better with animals in it”. I think you sound ready for another cat. You’re not trying to replace Sassy, you’re looking for a new companion.

    20. Falling Diphthong*

      When our beloved first dog died, we really missed having a dog and just had a dog-shaped hole in our lives, and we got a new one. And: he never had a good shot. We compared him to the earlier dog. He died after a few months, so we never got to know what he might grow into with more time to be himself and not Not The Other Dog, but since then we’ve taken 6-12 months before getting a new pet.

      We got two dogs a year later, and neither got compared to the earlier dogs. When one of those died we waited a year to get a new dog, and haven’t compared. Death of old cat to new kittens was about 6 months, and we haven’t compared–they got to be their own cats, markedly distinct from previous cats.

    21. LGC*

      Go with the people that are saying it’s not too soon. Ultimately, you know yourself best, but…like, I wouldn’t have suggested getting a new kitten the day after Sassy crossed the rainbow bridge, but if you’re not still in a place where you need Xanax to deal, then…it’s not “too soon” to get a new kitten. It wouldn’t be replacing Sassy with a new cat because it’s impossible to replace Sassy with a new cat.

    22. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

      You will know when you’re ready. Do you feel it’s “too soon”? Or rather that are ready have another “fur baby” in your life?!

    23. Deanna Troi*

      We had a very beloved dog (chocolate lab mix) who was my husband’s baby. We had to have her put to sleep when she was 13. My husband was devastated and took 3 days off of work. We went to the Humane Society the very next day and adopted the dog who had been there the longest (black lab mix). We got her home, she laid on my husband’s feet and wrapped her front feet around his ankles. For days, he just held her and she pressed her face into his neck. There is a bumper sticker that says “Who rescued whom?” This new dog helped my husband through his grief, and we like to believe that the one who died sent her to us for that reason. There are so many animals that need to be rescued. The best way to honor the life of a beloved pet is to save another pet.

    24. Double A*

      We adore our (11 and 15 year old) cats and hope they live another 10-15 years, but we already have our succession plan in place for when they do die. So “too soon” isn’t really a concept I abide by.

    25. Kiwi with laser beams*

      My parents have had cats the whole time they’ve been married (over 35 years) and they’ve always got new cats pretty soon after losing a cat they particularly loved, so it doesn’t sound at all out of the ordinary for me. It sounds like the people you know all have different ways of handling it when their pets pass away, and it also sounds like you know pretty clearly what’s best for you, so I’d say go ahead and get the kitten.

    26. The Time Being*

      It is not at all too soon. When you want another cat around is when you’re ready for another cat, and that timeline can be whatever it is. It’s your decision, not anyone else’s.

      When I had to let go of my cat last year, I wound up getting a new cat within a week; coming home to an empty apartment and no one to greet me was too lonely for me to endure for long.

    27. KR*

      I think if you feel like you’re ready, then you should get the kitten! I think having a cute baby around to focus on would make you feel better. The kitten will be a great distraction when you feel sad. And no matter what, you are in charge of how you grieve so if you feel like you’re ready then that’s the only opinion that matters.

  28. Anon for now*

    Kind of TMI, but has anyone else ever had severe GI issues where you got so inflamed around your rectal area that all efforts to poop are very painful? How long did it take you to heal?

    I have been going through it this week and thanks to a GI doc and nurse, I think I’m through the worst of the most critical issue, but I feel now like how can I heal if it’s not an area I can really rest? I have to keep using it and it is still very painful even if just, with medication, liquid. I need there to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m afraid to eat much (pretty much just Ensure, pedialyte, and I did dare to have some plain mashed potato yesterday).

    It’s been a very stressful and isolating experience. I have to have a colonoscopy next week to see what the butt (haha) is going on. I’m much younger than one normally is to have that procedure. I’m a little scared about that, but my most immediate issue is the pain and feeling like it’s not going to heal/go away.

    1. CC*

      I am sorry to say that the colonoscopy prep is likely going to make it worse.

      My recommendation is a water – either a bidet toilet seat if you can afford it or getting in the shower with a handheld shower massage to rinse off that area after “going”. Or even just filling a bottle with warm water and pouring it back there to get a better clean. You are basically making sure there is nothing left on you with less physical wiping.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        These are good; if you can’t do these, use the wet wipes / medicated pads and dab, not scrub. From what I’ve seen, it starts feeling better in about a week, but that may have been with a milder case.

        1. Chaordic One*

          There are different varieties of wet wipes. Try to find the ones that have “aloe” as an ingredient and avoid the ones with alcohol.

      2. Anon for now*

        It’s so gross and embrassing to admit, but I have been “going” in the shower. I can’t sit, even on the toilet. The pressure down there causes pain and standing somehow makes it less worse. I have incontinence undies for if I can’t make it to the shower because I have to be able to stand when it happens. Then I get in the shower to clean off.

        Not looking forward to the procedure prep. I had like a gallon of the stuff over three days this week (and it was key to resolving some of the internal issues), but taking it over a much shorter period of time… Ugh. I have a few days before I have to do the prep. It’s all really stressful to think about.

        1. also anon for this*

          That actually sounds like a smart and practical way to handle this, especially if it’s just liquid anyway. I’m not a big fan of suffering, so if the shower helps reduce your suffering, then do it.

          I remember when one of my kids in diapers had diarrhea and it had gotten to the point he was so red and raw that diaper changes were agony. I finally decided to just stand him in the shower to clean him off each time. I think that was one of best parenting moves ever.

          There are a couple people in my household who for whatever reason don’t wipe well who try to time it so that they shower after they poop so they don’t have to wipe much (or possibly at all). It’s not a topic that people talk about, but I bet it’s more common than you think.

      3. Breast Solidarity*

        A “hand-held bidet” is inexpensive and easily installed on any toilet and saved my behind during chemo.

        1. allathian*

          I’m so happy I live in an area where hand-held bidets are standard (essentially a shower attachment to the bathroom faucet). It was a lifesaver after my episiotomy.

    2. Anon for This*

      Do you have access to a sitz bath? If not, can you run a couple inches of water in a tub, enough to rest your butt in it? Doing that mornings, evenings, after bowel movements, and after any kind of strenuous activity can really, really help to reduce the inflammation and calm the skin and muscles in the area. Epsom salts if you have them can help as well. I had a cyst removed from the area earlier this year and it was intensely painful while it was healing, and I was really surprised at how much just sitting in a couple inches of water helped to reduce the pain and calm the area.

      And I second using water to clean and rinse afterwards. You can use a sports bottle with a squirt-style top, or if you can go to the drugstore, they sell squeeze bottles for postpartum women that’s the same idea. Rinse gently, and use a hair dryer on a gentle setting to help dry the area rather than rubbing with paper.

      1. Anon for now*

        I will try this! I do have Epsom salts and access to a bathtub. I can’t actually sit right now, but I could lay on my side in a warm bath.

      2. Call me St. Vincent*

        I had “cysts” in groin/buttock area for 20 years before a doctor figured out that I have HS. In that time, I had three “cysts” lanced and drained and no one thought of it. Just putting it out there in case you are in the same boat. I take meds for it now and have been in remission for a few months now (been on the meds for over a year).

    3. I hate the offseason*

      When I have done colonoscopy prep in the past, I found that it helps to put some Vaseline on the tp when you wipe. Keeps me from getting raw down there. Also, the sitz bath is a good recommendation. I had surgery that required one for recovery, plus I had a bag that I filled with warm water that would run over the area while using the sitz bath. Irrigated it, so to speak.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Coconut oil works better and won’t leave an oily residue on clothes like Vaseline.

    4. Deschain*

      Due to developing severe food allergies about 10 years ago, I understand exactly what you’re saying! It’s incredibly painful and something that is hard to discuss with others. As someone else mentioned, I highly recommend a bidet attachment. It has truly changed my life. I have the Tushy brand, which I’ve been using for about two years and it easily moved from my house to an apartment so it should work on any toilet. It’s inexpensive compared to actual bidets. I keep a stack of inexpensive bath rags to wipe with after spraying the water and then I store the rags in a lingerie bag under the sink until laundry day. I hope you’re feeling less pain very soon!

    5. fposte*

      I have Downstairs Problems that mean I get fissures all the damn time. So, yeah.

      A few things to consider:
      Using Vaseline pre-emptively, not afterwards, to protect the skin (that goes double if you start in with wipes or a bidet–those are fine things but the water is drying)
      Trying a squatty potty or just a footrest to change the position and weighting when you sit
      Requesting a prescription for topical Lidocaine

      It unfortunately sounds like your diet has to be very limited and free of fiber, but if you can tolerate a stool softener that would be worth considering as well.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I had the surgery to correct a fissure that I had for YEARS and it worked really well. I just mention it because I put the surgery off for over 10 years because they told me all the risks (it could not work, it could come back, etc), but I had the surgery 10 years ago and I haven’t had anything since.

        1. fposte*

          Mine aren’t the classic deep ones–they’re superficial tears from surface tension because of a combination of Crohn’s and skin issues. So they’re not nearly so painful and they come and go.

          However, there is a wonderful old blog by a surgeon who has an entry on the misery of anal fissures and the life-changingness of surgery for it. Link in followup.

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      The best thing I have found is taking frequent sitz baths and using Tucks wipes. I am so sorry. I’m 36 and have had 4 colonoscopies so I feel you :( Good luck and I hope you feel better soon!

    7. OhneNamen*

      You should‘t be embarrassed, you have a medical condition and you are in pain! I hope you will get an explanation and treatment soon! I‘ve actually had severe inflammation in the rectum, but cannot remember having pain like you describe. I had diarreah and blood, so I my toilet visits were always urgent and quickly done. I have Chron‘s disease.

      1. KeinName*

        Oh, and i‘m fine now, after getting the correct medication, and had the pleasure of seeing the nice pink intact inside of my rectum during a colonoscopy recently :-) and i‘m 36

    8. Nita*

      Baths with Epsom salf are pretty good for reducing inflammation. So are baths with herbs (chamomile + oak bark + nettle leaf + sage kept at a low boil for 15 minutes, strain, let cool, and use a quarter-cup of so in the bath). If it’s hemorrhoids, hemorrhoid cream helps too.

    9. Alexandra Lynch*

      I have a nasty combination of constipation-prone IBS combined with scarring in the perineal area from obstetric trauma. In short, if things are too solid they will rip the scar back open.

      I have accepted that I have to drink tons of water and take stool softeners every day, and that’s just all.

  29. Lcsa99*

    Hope this doesn’t break the new rules. I know a lot of us have been trying new recipies while stuck at home, so what have you been trying? Share your favorite new recipe!

    We’ve been trying a new bread recipe every week. Our new favorite is Paul Hollywood’s Ciabatta. Its not too complicated and it’s got a ton of flavor. I’ll post the recipe itself as a comment so this isn’t too long.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Paul Hollywood Ciabatta, slightly modified
      4 scant cups of bread flour
      Generous 1 1/2 cups water
      30 g yeast (note: this is the amount of fresh yeast, so adjust amount accordingly)
      1 tbs salt
      2 tbs olive oil

      Put two cups of flour into a bowl with generous 3/4 cup of water and the yeast. Mix for approximately 5 minutes, then let ferment for 4 hours.

      Add the remaining flour, water salt and olive oil. Mix well, knead until smooth then let rest in a bowl for 2 hours.

      Tip the dough out onto a lightly floured counter and devide into two. Shape each into a loaf and let rest another 2 hours

      Preheat the oven to 400f, dust the loaves with flour and bake for 25-30 min the transfer to a wire rack to cool.

      Should note this was supposed to make four loaves, but we wanted two larger loaves. You can split it in four instead of two.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Ooh, this looks fun and delicious. Thank you for this! I was given a bag of flour in trade for 10 sewn masks, and have been casting around to find recipes to get going on it. Yum! Will be baking today.

      2. Blueberry*

        My roommate made this and we all devoured the results in less than ten minutes. I felt a bit bad after the time it took but she was complimented we loved it so much.

      3. Teapot Translator*

        Would you happen to know how much yeast that is in teaspoons or tablespoons?

        1. Lcsa99*

          Just googling the conversion, looks like its about 2 tablespoons. Sounds like a lot but considering how long it’s working, it makes sense.

        2. Free Meerkats*

          Well, all baking recipes should be weight based. Especially flour; the weight per cup varies hugely, depending on how you handled the flour, easily up to 20%.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I had a roasted eggplant I had to use so I made the pita recipe from King Arthur Flour’s website to go with homemade baba ganoush. It didn’t have much of a pocket but was tasty as a flatbread for dipping/wrapping and easy.

    4. Coco*

      Cinnamon rolls.

      I was previously looking for non cinnamon roll sweet bread recipe advice here but it turns out spouse really likes cinnamon rolls. 10 years together, never knew that about him.

      Anyway have been trying different cinnamon roll recipes and my favorite (requires more work than others) is King Arthur flour’s soft cinnamon roll recipe. The one that uses the tangzhong method. Since we are only 2 people, I cut the recipe to 1/4 of the original so it yields 6 and they better the next day than other cinnamon roll recipes. Obviously not as good as fresh baked but more of a 20% degradation in quality opposed to like 50% (strictly my opinion , there have been no actual studies)

      1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

        If you’re experimenting with other cinnamon roll recipes, I highly recommend Alton Brown’s recipe for overnight cinnamon rolls. Labor intensive (it sounds like you’re up to the challenge, though), but flawless every time, in my experience.

          1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

            He is awesome. I’ve found that his recipes in general are really reliable, and I also just like him as a person, which is cool too.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I really like Paul Hollywood’s soda bread, made with buttermilk from homemade butter. (It’s not sour the way commercial buttermilk is, but at least in that recipe, it still works out, and my taste testers like it better than with the commercial buttermilk. :) ) Plus then you have homemade butter to put on your homemade bread and you feel MIGHTY.

      Homemade butter/buttermilk: Pour a quart of whipping cream into a stand mixer, turn the whip on high, and walk away. After about ten minutes, check back – basically, you want to make whipped cream, then just keep going. Somewhere around the 12-15 minute mark (I forget exactly, so I basically just stand there and watch it), the whipped cream will pretty much immediately break, it’ll start splashing liquid again, and you’ll have a mass of butter and a glug of buttermilk. Strain off the buttermilk and set it aside (don’t try to add any more rinsings or squeezings to it, this is one and done), then rinse and squeeze the butter (like play doh :P ) until you can’t squeeze any more liquid out of it. Then you can salt it or flavor it – I’ve done garlic herb, honey cinnamon, spiced rum flavors, all successfully. I put it in regular Tupperware, though if you want to get extra fancy you can put it in silicone molds too. :) I usually get about 12 ounces of butter and 14-16 ounces of buttermilk out of a quart of whipping cream. The butter will last a couple-three weeks in the fridge, or you can freeze it if you wrap it in parchment paper. (You can also do this with a hand mixer or even by hand, it just takes omg way longer.)

    6. WellRed*

      I’m not trying new recipes, but am trying to learn to make excellent homemade pizza, using various tips people tell me.

      1. pancakes*

        I finally tried the Jim Lahey dough / crust recipe and liked it a lot, so I recommend that one. I prefer it to the Peter Reinhart Neapolitan-style dough recipe that was my previous go-to.

      2. Lcsa99*

        If your favorite pizza dough recipe calls for all purpose flour, try switching it to bread flour, or a combination of the two. We did and it make an incredible difference in texture and flavor.

        We also have a great pizza sauce recipe if you’re interested.

          1. Lcsa99*

            Not sure you’ll see this at this point, but here you go!

            1 can tomate paste (the small one, think its 6 oz)
            2 heaping tbs brown sugar
            1 1/2 tbs crushed garlic
            2 tsp dried oregano
            2 tsp dried basil
            1/4 cup red wine
            1/4 cup water
            1/8 cup olive oil

            Mix it all together and adjust sugar, basil and oregano as needed. You don’t need to cook off the wine before you use it, and it’s enough sauce for 2 or 3 pizzas, depending on the size.

    7. Jaid*

      I broke out the Sprializer and made sweet potato strings. Unfortunately I was winging it with the temperature (toaster oven baking) so it was not a roaring success. BUT now I know.

    8. NewReadingGlasses*

      We’ve been making our own hummus in the food processor. I’ve learned the only required ingredients are: some kind of cooked beans, some kind of nut butter, and some kind of oil. The recipe I like the best is close to the original

      1 15 oz can garbanzo beans
      1/4 cup tahini (sesame paste) roasted if you can get it, regular also fine
      1/8 cup olive oil + extra to put on top later
      1/8 cup lemon juice
      1 cooked shallot (normally this would be garlic, but I prefer less garlic flavor).
      Dash salt
      1/4 to 1/2 cup water to get the texture you want

      Optional flavoring ingredients ( pick 1 or 2)
      Smoked or regular paprika
      Toasted sesame oil ( about 1 tsp)
      Roasted sweet peppers
      Basil or parsley
      Chili powder
      Pine nuts
      Carmelized onions

      The original recipe said to mix the olive oil and tahini until fluffy first, but I just put everything but the water in a food processor and start grinding. I then add water a bit at a time until I get a smooth mix. A blender works also, but my blender pitcher is harder to clean than my food processor container. The optional flavoring go in the mix but I like it better put on the top at the end.

      1. Angstrom*

        You might try reserving the bean liquid and using that instead of water to get the consistency you want. I think it helps the flavor.

        1. NewReadingGlasses*

          I was taught that the bean liquid from the can increases gas, but this might be a myth.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I asked for recommendations last week about what to do with elderly clementines. I took a commenter’s suggestion to make marmalade, and it’s delicious and addictive. The recipe made 5 little half-pint jars, so I thought I’d have a lot to give to friends, but we’ve finished half of one jar this week alone.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Two Smitten Kitchen links:

      Thai steak salad: https://smittenkitchen.com/2018/06/garlic-lime-steak-and-noodle-salad/
      A great way to eat a pile of vegetables and some protein. I never bother with the noodles; usually use ribeye and whatever salad vegetables I have on hand, though the green beans make a nice addition.

      Carrot burgers: https://smittenkitchen.com/2020/03/carrot-and-white-bean-burgers/
      These are simple–carrots, canned white beans–and taste great without even trying to pretend to be a beef hamburger. Both my husband and teenage athlete son asked that these happen again.

      I was fortunate to buy Ottolenghi’s Simple just before everything shut down: great source of vegetable-forward recipes.

  30. rainbowsquare*

    Does anyone have any changing bad habits advice? I have a personality that leans towards over indulging on bad habits and borderline addictions.

    I have successfully tackled some of my habits in the past but others I am stuck on, such as eating too much and drinking too much soda. I’m a real pleasure seeker and these things are enjoyable.

    Any advice? Did anyone else get on top of these habits or other pleasure seeking problematic habits? Cold turkey has worked for me in the past with other things, but with food you still need to eat and can’t stop it all together!

    How do you stop doing things that are bad for you? I’ve Googled and spoken to a therapist but never seem to come up with very good advice.

    1. Ranon*

      Would reframing it as doing things that give you pleasure long term help at all? E.g. this thing tastes good in the moment but if I eat more than a certain amount I’ll have a crappy sugar hangover/ feel less good in my body next week/ etc. Or doing this thing isn’t fun right now but I will feel awesome in my body for a long time if I just do 15 minutes of it every day.

      You’re still seeking pleasure, you’re just measuring it on a scale where future you gets to weigh in too. (E.g. future me likes when we do our PT exercises and eat fiber, current me compromises with fiber that tastes good and asking the physical therapist for less boring PT). Generosity for your future self, if you will.

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      I substituted in things that were not as bad – lower calorie but still high sensation, or lower cost though still ‘time wasters’.
      – I’ve been a heavy reader since childhood, and eventually figured out it was something I did to manage my OCD (diagnosed). And by ‘heavy’, I mean at breakfast or while doing dishes. If I could read while sweeping, a) I would and b) my house would be cleaner.
      – Singing is also good, but for me, it needs to be 10 – 30 minutes focused on singing, not just a few song bits while I work. The deep breathing you need for singing is very similar to meditation breathing, or primal scream breathing – I suspect there’s some vagus nerve stimulation going on.
      – Certain computer games, where I am counting – one of my C’s is definitely counting. Totally outing myself if any of my friends read this but: original Civilization (computer game by Sid Meier), moving things down roads / railroads, I count their movements and it is very soothing.

      Not the most constructive options, but cheap, no calories, and I do learn things with the reading.

      I hear stories about people using exercise this way, as in ‘I get the urge to eat so I take a walk or do some stretches.’ House cleaning and gardening can also be cathartic, but I find them hard to start – Unfuck Your Habitat’s 15 minute spurts can really help there. (no, I’m not reading AAM to put off cleaning the bathroom.. nope, nuh unh, not me!)

      With the soda: I’ve switched to ‘no-calorie flavored seltzer + flavoring’ and gotten my husband on board. The household favorite right now is lime seltzer + tart cherry concentrate, but we’ve also liked lime seltzer + fruit punch. Fruit juice is about the same as sodas, so adding the seltzer dilutes the sugar while still giving you a lot of carbonation sensation.

      Basically, I thought about things that were non-productive and decided whether I would avoid (eg, alcohol / drugs), reduce (sodas / chips), or embrace (computer games, singing). Reading’s too ingrained, I have no choice about that one.

      Good luck, I feel ya.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I second the suggestion of substituting something, either to approximate some part of the experience (I love Coke, but seltzer can be a satisfying swap when I realize what I’m really craving is the fizziness), or to “break the circuit” and reset with something different altogether, like listening to a favorite uptempo song instead of reaching for a piece of chocolate.

        I still drink soda and eat chocolate. But I like having more options on my “habit menu” from which I can choose.

        1. Natalie*

          Substitutions have worked well for me, but your mention of Coke also reminded me that getting small, pre-portioned items has also been helpful. We buy those tiny Cokes, 7.5 oz IIRC, for when we want a soda. Typically that’s all either my husband or I needs to feel treated, and we don’t have to use any willpower to dump out the rest or anything like that.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      It’s very difficult to stop anything if there is no plan for what you WILL do.

      So I quit soda and since you mentioned soda that would be a good example. I started by saying to myself that I could not have a soda until I had a whole glass of water. It took a bit. I realized that after a glass of water that a glass of soda was almost too much fluid. I drank smaller amounts of soda.
      The whole story turned when I started realizing how CRAPPY I felt when I drank soda. I mean I felt awful, FOR DAYS!, just on one soda. And that is when it clicked for me. I did not want to feel crappy, I had too much to do and no time to feel crappy.
      Then I lost a size. Yeah, I gave up soda and went down one clothing size just because of stopping soda. Well, I got excited about that of course and it helped me to move to the next correction I wanted to make.

      Take one thing at a time. Be patient with your own process. So for me, I got rid of the soda then I moved on to something else that I needed to get rid of. I found a plan for what I would do instead and I got rid of that next thing. I am a big fan of building a plan for what you WILL do instead of what you used to do. Yes, it’s slower when you do this and yes, it can be a pain in the butt to do this. But it is what clinched it for me.

      It’s fine to want pleasure, it’s fine to want to feel good. The tricky part is to think beyond the short term. Why was I drinking so much soda? It gave me a lift in the moment. Why did I need that instant lift? I had to look at what else was going on in my life. I had to back away from certain types of settings where I was not only ineffective but the situation was bringing ME down lower. It’s amazing how many things pull us down during the day and it never occurs to us just how much of a downer we are tolerating.
      Oddly, we automatically look for things that give us pleasure and lift us up but we are reluctant to seek out the downers and remove them from our lives. My wise friend said to watch the yo-yoing. Watch the ups and downs. If we go too low then we will tend to go too high. Work things around so the highs are not so high and the lows are not so low. There is a reason why we are seeking that instant pleasure.

      1. allathian*

        Drinking a glass of water before allowing yourself a glass of soda sounds like a great idea. I’m going to try that as well, because I’m trying to cut down on my soda consumption.
        I’m going to try to switch to flavored bottled fizzy water for when I’m craving the bubbles to see if that’ll help cut down on the soda.

    4. Kate*

      Have you read Gretchen Rubin’s Better Than Before? It’s all about habits and I found it fabulously full of tips that actually work.

      One example, I chew my nails all the time. Chew them, pick them, the whole shebang. Manicures don’t help, neither does that terrible tasting varnish — if anything, that made succeeding in chewing/picking them more satisfying.

      I realized that I do it largely when I am stressed or nervous— it’s especially bad when I am stuck in traffic for some reason. I started putting cheap nail files EVERYWHERE. Cup holder, purses x6, pocket, etc. and filing them down every time I had the urge. Worked really well.

      1. Nessun*

        I found some of Rubin’s suggestions helpful, but she does seem to approach her subjects from a position of privilege that I found hard to get past. Once I did, her books were interesting though. I would also suggest Atomic Habits by James Clear – the science is fascinating and the process he laid out resonated with me.

    5. Disco Janet*

      For overeating/unhealthy choices, I’ve had really great luck with the Noom app! It’s helped me go about changing my diet that doesn’t feel extreme and make me all crabby, and applies psychology concepts in a way that makes sense and I’ve found helpful. It’s gotten me to reframe my bad habits so I’m not shaming myself for them anymore, and that has made it a lot easer to work on them.

      That said, if you’ve looked for a therapist and not found a good one, for some people right now might be a great time to put in the work doing that! Not true for everyone – I’m going crazy with work and my children here. But if you’re not working during this time, don’t have kids, and can make it work with your finances, this seems like the ideal time to try out different therapists via phone or video chat and find someone you click with.

    6. Qwerty*

      I find it easier to focus on new things rather focusing on what I can’t have.

      So to reduce soda consumption, I tried to drink more water and tea. That way I’m drinking water for hydration but the soda is for the happy taste, which quickly reduced my soda consumption and cravings.

      Trying to eat healthier? Focus on getting in more veggies and experimenting with new recipes. The veggies fill you up and result in less of the unhealthy food being eaten, but without feeling like your are denying yourself what you love.

      Maybe reframing things in your mind too so you avoid “good” vs “bad” habits. I’ve seen a lot of people get caught up in a shame cycle where they judge their choices, which makes them feel guilty and then causes them to do more of the “bad” behavior to cope. Choose to change things because they make you happy. For example “I’m going for a run because it helps me sleep better / improves circulation /etc” vs “I need to exercise because I need to lose weight”. The former convinces me to go for a run while the latter will usually result in me eating junk food out of spite.

      1. PX*

        I can fall into some not so great food habits, so this one in particular I find good. If its just eating vs *eating specific things* then try to make sure what you are eating is better. Fruits, vegetables, less fat, better fat when you do eat it, less sugar, less processed stuff etc. Have good snacks around. That kind of thing.

        You can also go for the less is more approach ie eat less, but make sure what you do eat is really tasty and satisfying. This is basically how I approach meat consumption for example, I aim to eat mostly vegetarian, but if I buy meat, its from local farms, the cows were happy and cared for, and it generally tastes much better. Its also usually more expensive which means I dont splurge too often!

        I also find it useful to do a bit of tracking around eating habits. Are you eating because youre bored? Actually hungry? Tired? Emotional? Habit? Being able to identify when/why you are doing certain things can be helpful in terms of changing habits eg I’m eating because I’m bored (so then you can redirect that into doing something else)

    7. Teatime is Goodtime*

      This is such a good question. Here are some things that have worked for me in the past with various habits:

      -Good old fashioned reward systems. It’s like creating my own star charts from when I was a kid: every time I make a good choice on habit X I get a point toward Y reward. How many points I need to get to that reward and how big that reward is is of course totally flexible. I try to keep it very short and small, especially at the beginning. I have to keep it realistic in order for it to work. Also: the reward can’t be doing the thing I’m trying to stop doing, so in your case “drinking a soda” wouldn’t be a reward. This usually shifts my focus to successes rather than failures, in part by reducing the shame spirals–not making a good choice on habit X just means I don’t get a point that time and all those other points show that I’m making progress so I’m not a failure.

      -Celebrating progress, every little bit of it. You thought about drinking a soda and then you didn’t? You are AMAZING! Go you! Be your own cheerleader!

      -Tackling things slowly and one at a time. I tend towards wanting to do all the things perfectly all at the same time, which totally doesn’t work. So to combat this at first I would set myself up to pick things on an artificial schedule. So, for example, I would decide I am working on habit X this month. Next month it is habit Y.

    8. Mimosa Jones*

      For too much soda, I had to create strict rules about how I have it. I have a similar personality and I find myself thinking about how I can get my next can while I’m drinking the one I have. I can’t buy it for the house, ever. I can only drink specific brands when they’re in the form of a gift, like at a party. And these days the caffeine is not my friend, so that’s an extra incentive to limit when I have it. To help you switch you could giftwrap the last case/bottle/can and call it your Ceremonial Last. The giftwrap alone might help you slow down, but if not, the act of opening it will give you time to note this is the last one at home and make it a little bit special. Then you start with the rules that work for you.

      For food it helps to have both permissions and rules. I tend to get defiant if I put too many limits on foods and it backfires. You can do the same sort of soda limits on certain foods, but you still have to eat something. The permission part is you can eat anything you want and as much as you want. The limits are to eat slowly and mindfully and only eat at meals. Stop when you feel 80% full and ask yourself if you want to eat more. Yes is an acceptable answer, the important thing is to pause and ask the question. Dish up appropriate servings, including dessert, and take them to the table, away from the rest of the food. Always use tableware at the table. Always eat the thing as part of a balanced meal/snack that always includes protein, fat and carbs. And be mindful when you’re eating: no TV or other distractions, notice how it feels and tastes, think or say to yourself how much you like that food.

      I also find that some things are more about the physical or emotional aspects around the food or consumption than the actual food. That means it can be hard to substitute or limit without considering the whole behavior. So emotional eating or eating while bored. Hot cocoa for me is partly about holding a warm mug of something rich and sweet, and then once I instituted my rules, became part of a leisurely errand day escape with my reusable mug. If you feel munchy in the afternoon, substituting a walk might not help, but giving yourself something else to chew on might. My daughter’s OT used to say it’s all about the mouth. You could get some food grade tubing to chew on or some other sensory thing. You could adopt a “sensory diet” and incorporate things like pretzel rods, carrot sticks, eating pudding through a straw, etc. into your regular diet. You could give yourself “heavy work” breaks during the day. (google the things in quotes for more ideas).

    9. Elizabeth Bennet*

      I got a lot out of the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It gives the science behind habit formation and how to make new habits.

    10. knead me seymour*

      You might find intuitive eating helpful, if you haven’t looked into it before–I think the mentality around dieting and food shaming is quite destructive in itself, even apart from its ineffectiveness. If you like to take pleasure from eating and drinking (like most of us!) it’s not really pleasant or sustainable to try to commit to food being a bland wasteland of nutrition for the rest of your life. Even if all you get from intuitive eating is the ability to really enjoy eating things you like without guilt, I feel like that’s a pretty good result in itself! But I think switching from a mindset of restriction to one of exploration will often naturally result in choosing to eat snacks and treats less often, when you’ll really enjoy them, rather than habitually.

    11. Alexandra Lynch*

      I have a goal and I revisit the goal regularly. In my case, I want to lose a lot of weight this year. Yes, I want to stay healthy, get more active, and have less pain…. but the thing that keeps me out of the snacks is thinking of the look on my very disliked sister’s face when she sees me walk into Christmas festivities with a new engagement ring on my finger and weighing anywhere from 80 -100 pounds less than I did last year. It is not very noble. It’s intensely motivating. (wry grin)

      I’ve been using MyFitnessPal and getting a lot of support from their forums.

      And it works well enough that I’m thirty-five pounds down since January, even with the quarantine.

  31. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Is anybody donating or selling items during COVID?

    My state is still in lockdown and I’m trying to get rid of a lot of my stuff before we move away. I’m willing to donate or sell, but wondering if with either step, there is something different I should be doing? I’ve never actually sold anything but I did donate a few times in the past — usually it was just giving my cousin or friend bags full of clothes. I have limitations now though with meeting people and not being able to lift heavy.

    1. nep*

      I see some garage/estate sales turning into online-only and curbside pickup.
      You could put an ad on craigslist and see whether any resellers in your area are seeking items for resale, given that places where they normally source have been closed.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I see people putting stuff out by the curb with free signs. I got rid of some extra plants that way. They were gone before I came home from work.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        A lot of areas are also covered by the Freecycle website. We got rid of a broken washer / dryer that way.

        2. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

          I use Freecycle to get rid of unneeded items. Usually I just leave them in my driveway for people to pick up so it’s contactless.

    3. Natalie*

      The main thing I see in my area is using digital payment services like Venmo, so I would make sure you’re set up for one of those services if you’re going to sell anything.

    4. CheeryO*

      Another option is NextDoor. I’ve seen a few posts offering free bags of clothes, and people have pretty much immediately taken them up on the offer. You should be able to just leave stuff on your stoop/curb once you arrange for someone to pick it up.

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Spouse just bought something off Facebook marketplace. Went to the house, seller had the item on a table in the garage, that both wore masks and stayed 6′ apart.

    6. MistOrMister*

      I have a bunch of stuff to get rid of. I don’t sell via craigslist or anything, because I don’t want someone coming into my house and casing it or whatnot. Since goodwill has been closed, my plan is to post the items for free on craigslist. When someone messages me, I put it outside and give the a general address in my neighborhood for reference and they can come pick it up curbside.

    7. Overeducated*

      My Buy Nothing group just restarted (as we entered Phase 1 reopening yesterday) with recommendations for no-contact pickups and sanitizing objects to the extent possible. When it was closed, I gave away a piece of furniture for free on Craigslist by arranging a specific pick up time and putting the furniture outside my building entrance shortly before.

      I think if you’re willing to give away stuff rather than sell, this should be easy, but things you can’t carry might need to wait until you have help or it feels safer to let someone inside your home. Alternatively, if you need movers to help you move, have them make a pile on the curb and post photos of each object with “free, first come first served.” Most of it will be gone that day, lockdown or no.

      1. Trixie*

        One of my neighbors did this for some household/random items and even on our quiet street, items were picked up by foot traffic. If the weather looked decent for a few days, I would try the same with larger pieces that can’t be carried home.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My BN group has been busy all the way through with contactless outside pickups. Everyone is clearing stuff out and none of our thrift/donation centers are open.

        I start with BN or Nextdoor to make it easier on me (fewer requests/flakes), but you can get rid of almost anything on Craigslist.

    8. Reba*

      I’ve done Free on craigslist and Curb alert. Definitely possible to do no-contact if you can put the items outside.

    9. Pumpa Rumpa*

      My boyfriend has sold some items for me using Facebook Marketplace. We take payment via Venmo and put the item outside for the buyer to pick up.

    11. RC Rascal*

      Cleaning out my mothers house right now & dealing with this. College Hunks Hauling Junk are open for large pieces. Smaller items can be taken to Goodwill but you have to place in containers & it is doesn’t fit they won’t accept.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      My mom had to move during Covid. She was able to sell some things–TV, freezer, etc–on Craigslist. And after calls to a few Goodwills found one that is open.

      The Goodwill drop for small items near me is open. So, worth checking around.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I can’t imagine having to move at this time, that must have been so stressful! Hope shes doing well.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          She was doing really poorly with the shutdown. Recent widow, extrovert who had a lot of outside volunteer activities that are now all canceled, terrible at technology, and had a bad fall just before lockdown started. Moved in with another relative. I just talked to her and she was SO much more with it and engaged.

    13. Ronda*

      If it is for big stuff, some donation places will come pick up.
      Call around and see if any are doing it and will for the level of stuff you have to donate.

    14. migrating coconuts*

      I have cleaned out more closest and drawers in the last 2 months than I have in the last 2 decades. I Freecycle everything. I just leave it on the porch for the person who wants it and they come pick it up. Haven’t had any problems doing it this way.

  32. NicoleK*

    I’m needing feedback/experiences with home security and monitoring systems. What do you have? What are the pros and cons? What would you do differently? A couple of years ago, our house was broken into during the workday. Thankfully, no one was home at the time. My husband will be returning to the office in early June. My employer has extended our work at home until Labor day. That means, I’ll be alone at home by myself and I would like to install some sort of monitoring system for a little peace of mind.

    1. university minion*

      What use would such a system be? You’re at home. Most break-ins are crimes of opportunity and it’s a lot harder to get in and grab stuff when someone’s home. Your car being in the driveway is deterrent enough. If you’re a dog person, get a dog.

      1. Disco Janet*

        Most, but not all. It would clearly give her some peace of mind. I don’t think it’s really helpful, when someone asks for advice on security systems, to tell them they don’t need a security system. We don’t know the area she lives in, what other circumstances could be going on making it feel necessary, etc. And it’s general advice that could help others too.

        1. university minion*

          To each their own. Installing an alarm/monitoring system for *when you are at home* gives a false sense of security, not peace of mind, which is worse than no improvement.

          1. fposte*

            I don’t think that follows. Whether your sense of security is reasonable or not depends on a bunch of different things, and it may be that hers is currently unreasonably low for the situation, so that installing a system would bring it up to reasonable. That would hardly be making things worse.

            I also think you may have specific ideas of what “home” looks like and what a security system does, but there’s a lot of variety there. In some houses you won’t hear a door knock from where you’re working, so having Ring on your app lets you know when somebody’s at your door. Some security systems alert the police faster than you can if somebody forces entry. What I particularly liked on mine was the loud alarm, which is an demonstrable deterrent, and I don’t understand how the distinction you’re making about being home vs. being out would change that.

          2. Thankful for AAM*

            I don’t understand that at all, can you explain? A centrally monitored system will call the police for you if the alarm is set off and the alarm can alert you if there is an entry at the other end of the house. I think that is what she is looking for.

            1. university minion*

              I guess y’all are living in houses the size of which I can’t comprehend, if you can’t hear the goings on in your own place. The idea of having a monitor on my own house, that’s active when I am in it is unbelievably creepy, to be honest.

              1. fposte*

                Or you could just have really good hearing. I don’t like cameras myself for the creepy factor, but something that would alarm when a door was opened seemed more reassuring than creepy to me.

              2. RagingADHD*

                My house is 1200 square feet, and if I’m in the back bedroom (home office) working with headphones on, I have no idea if someone has come in the back door on the other end of the house.

                Or if I’m in the shower with the vent fan on.

                Before covid, my kids have let friends in and had a whole playdate before I knew anyone else was here.

              3. CoffeeforLife*

                I am regularly startled when my partner comes home. I have a workroom with loud tools and never hear him call out. He doesn’t scare me on purpose…I just don’t hear.

              4. Melody Pond*

                Could you please make an effort to be more kind/compassionate to people with different situations or perspectives from yourself?

    2. fposte*

      I had one that I loved, called Korner. You just put little alert tags on your doors and windows and set access via an app. Unfortunately, the company eventually failed and while there was crowdsourced support for a while my tags call with no answer.

      For me the unobtrusiveness is key. I’m not comfortable with camera scrutiny and they don’t seem to make any difference to apprehension here, so I want something I don’t have to think about. I think they probably all run with apps now, but I also liked the ability to check when I was away from the house.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Hi Nicole K,
      I recently looked into alarm systems for my HOA. Imo, a major company, like ADT (but without cameras bc of privacy), with central monitoring is the gold standard. Smaller companies might go out of business.

      But systems like Ring or others, without central monitoring or cameras in the house (gain, for privacy) can give you some peace of mind for a much lower cost.

      We have ADT from our HOA with alarm sensors on windows and doors. We like the beep that they give when a door opens so we know someone is coming in or out. And I got a ring front doorbell with an app. It chimes in the app when there is movement at the front door and gives me a view of the front porch. We did not want to pay for the ADT camera and our local police had a deal on the Ring.

      In our neighborhood we recently had some petty thefts and only one was caught on our HOA cameras. Several others were caught on Ring front doorbell cameras so we found them helpful.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’m a huge fan of Frontpoint. You install it yourself, no cutting into walls, and their tech seems more modern than companies like ADT. A deal breaker for me with ADT was that they told us they don’t monitor whether your equipment is still working. If something dies and isn’t working any more, you wouldn’t know unless you tested it. Frontpoint sends a signal to all your equipment every few minutes and alerts you if something isn’t working correctly.

      To the point above about why you’d need a system when you’re at home — when I used to live alone, I’d frequently wake up in the night convinced I’d heard a noise and then would have to walk around the house until I was sure no one was in it. That hasn’t happened to me once since I got an alarm system that’s kept on at night. And now, with two of us, I wouldn’t necessarily hear something happening two floors below me just because I’m home.

    5. CoffeeforLife*

      When we moved into our new house my partner left for a work trip. I called him crying in the middle of the night because I was so frightened (house settling, alone anxiety). He ordered Simply Safe. We installed it ourselves, have it monitored and the system tells you if a component isn’t working. I haven’t woken up scared since.

    6. Kage*

      We installed a system called Abode which we them supplemented with some Nest outdoor cameras after our place was broken into overnight (while we were all home). It’s one that you install yourself and (aside from the live-motion cameras) is all battery/WiFi operated, so there’s no cutting into walls. You can customize what parts you order to get the setup you prefer the most. We’ve been really happy with it. We don’t pay for the monitoring by someone else as we can get emails/texts to if the alarm gets triggered while we aren’t home and it’s super loud so we hear it if we are home.

    7. Qwerty*

      I don’t have any experience with security systems, but since you mention wanting peace of mind when home alone, I’ll chime in to suggest a security bar. Its a bar that creates an angle between your doorknob and the floor, so that if someone breaks in any force they push against the door just further secures the bar. Costs $20-25 and can be found at Home Depot / Lowes style places. Mine has really helped calm my nerves for whenever a sound in the middle of the night has me wondering if someone broke in.

      Link to follow

      1. Qwerty*

        Here’s an example of the security bar I was describing:

        https://www.homedepot.com/p/Master-Lock-27-1-2-in-to-42-in-Adjustable-Steel-Door-Security-Bar-265/313343494?mtc=Shopping-B-F_D25H-G-D25H-25_5_SECURITY_SAFETY-NA-NA-Feed-PLA-NA-NA-SafetySecurity_PLA&cm_mmc=Shopping-B-F_D25H-G-D25H-25_5_SECURITY_SAFETY-NA-NA-Feed-PLA-NA-NA-SafetySecurity_PLA-71700000052227368-58700005026398226-92700046372070219&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIn9yep-Pc6QIVCYrICh3KWgjwEAQYASABEgJc8fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

    8. Melody Pond*

      Similar to @Qwerty – I don’t have much experience with security systems, but I can get a bit anxious when I’m home alone. Before the pandemic, I worked from home full time during the day, but my husband went to an office.

      I do a few things. First, I’m diligent about making sure all doors and windows are locked. Beyond the basic door locks/deadbolts, we added these flip locks/guards on most of our doors. On our sliding glass door we got a thick wooden dowel and were careful to size it so that when we set it in the track, it’s a bit of a tight squeeze (so it can’t be jimmied out of the track easily). I would eventually like to get a Ring doorbell so I can monitor the outside of the house, but I don’t feel that it’s needed urgently.

      For context, we live in a suburban neighborhood that is generally very safe (according to published crime statistics), but prior to this, we lived in a condo on the 5th floor of a controlled-entry building. Living in a house was just a change for us, and we felt better adding a few extra measures to the main points of entry.

    9. self employed*

      Check out simplisafe. It’s wireless and you can arm whatever you want— doors, glass break, even water sensors. If you don’t want it hooked up to call the police and just want the alarm sound, you don’t have to pay the monthly fee. Camera is optional. It’s great!

      1. ad hominem*

        I just installed SimpliSafe in my new condo unit because I was waking up at every noise outside and in the hallways and have had that gut sense of unease. I installed the basic system with a motion detector, door and window entry sensors, and glass break sensor – controlled with key pad and app. It’s already been useful: I left to help ill family members out of town* and my unit was broken into. The alarm worked just as intended and I could see from the app both the door entry and motion detector being triggered.
        * please no pearl clutching about the hazards of travel – this was urgent

    11. Morning reader*

      Late to this, but there are ways to hook up an old smart phone or iPad as a camera to monitor an area. It sends an alert with motion detected… mostly I’ve used it so far to check on my cats using the cat door. Free if your devices are on your home WiFi.

    1. NicoleK*

      My go to for sneaker like shoes has been Skechers. They do have some styles that are suitable enough for work.

    2. SpellingBee*

      Check out Hotter shoes – they’re mail order only but I’ve found their sizes to run very true. They’re a British company and do sell in the U.S. I love them! They have some sneaker-like models that are very comfortable for walking but not as clunky as athletic shoes; my favorite is the Leann. I’m on my third pair. The colors vary from season to season so I’m not sure what’s available right now.

      1. heckofabecca*

        Seconding Hotter shoes!! I also recommend Softwalk—not sure if they have the walking shoes you’re exactly looking for, but they’re wonderfully comfortable.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Cole Haan has a line of sneakers that look similar to the Rockport – search Amazon for Cole Haan Stitchlite Oxfords. The material is a soft knit (but still structured) and is very cool in the summer. They have other similar styles as well. If you go to the Cole Haan website, look in the sale section for the best selection. They are pricey, but I have a few pairs that I wear a lot and they still look brand new, and they are super comfortable.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        Or a Cole Haan outlet!

        I wore a pair of Taos all around Japan and they were great. They look like keds. I have higher arches and didn’t want to wear a sneaker.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I have a pair of Stitchlite oxfords! I love them. I got them on sale– Cole Haan has sales all the time on their website. I got mine for less than 50 bucks.

    4. the Viking Diva*

      Chaco makes a pair of shoes that look similar to this – look up the Kanarra.
      Dansko has some shoes in this vein too, in both lace-up and slip-on styles.

    5. Pharmgirl*

      I LOVE the Allbirds Treerunners! I’ve been wearing them to work everyday for the last two months (8 hour days on my feet). They’re so incredibly comfortable, I don’t have any foot/leg/back pain at the end of the day. I had originally bought them for sightseeing / city walking for a vacation that was cancelled. They don’t look athletic, I have even worn them with more casual dresses, and would definitely work with chinos. There are multiple colors available.

    6. Mimosa Jones*

      Check out the barking dog shoe blog. They specialize in functional and orthopedic shoes and have good reviews.

    7. Aurora Leigh*

      Sketchers or Keds have low profile sneakers. I just got a pair of Sketchers Bobs to wear to work with skirts and they are oh so comfortable. Not sure how long they will last though.

    8. TR*

      I really like TOMS for just walking around. Not great for mud/wet, but otherwise very comfortable.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve had to buy things like this for trade shows: sneaker comfort but dressier looks. My solutions usually come from these brands:
      Sketchers: The slip on types in all black called Go Walk
      Vionic
      Keds: They make a ballet-style sneaker
      Dr. Scholls
      BZees
      Vans: The all black style

    10. knead me seymour*

      I’m not a sponsor of Vessis, but I should get some kickbacks for how often I recommend them. They’re totally waterproof (made of a waterproof knit material) but feel like wearing slippers, they’re lightweight, breathable, vegan and look nicer than your average sneaker. I’ve worn mine pretty much every day since I bought them in December, and I live in an extremely wet area, and they still look and feel great. I find them comfortable for walking in all day, and for bike riding, but they’re not the best for running or working out. One thing I’m not sure about is how quickly they wear out, but I’m hoping they last me a long time.

  34. Flaxseed*

    Any tips for not shopping online/using your credit card less often? It’s so easy to just point, click, and buy- but then the charges add up and I’m left paying off a huge bill. I’m sure there are articles about it, but just wondering if anyone had any tips or advice.

    1. rainbowsquare*

      Can you have two credit cards? One with a larger credit line for emergency you keep put away and then one smaller one for shopping, small enough you can’t end up with a big balance.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you have your credit card number stored on a site, then remove the number so you have to type it in each time.
      Then put your card is a place that is not easy to reach and requires effort on your part.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Not storing your card number on a site is just a good idea in general. I don’t trust like that.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Removing my CC from saved websites helped a lot on cutting down impulse buys.

    4. matcha123*

      I am fighting with the same problem. I love shopping and for various reasons will focus on certain things until I can buy them.
      There’s one app in particular that I use for used items and I’ve moved it off my home screen into a folder on my phone. I also made a poster with my latest splurge, the cost and payment schedule, and a reminder to myself not to spend.
      I calculated my spending on that app over the past three years, and it’s honestly NOT as much as I thought it was. In fact, it wasn’t that bad. But since I don’t have a large salary, it is an issue.

      Generally, I try to take a ton of time before new, pricey purchases. I will also make smaller, less frequent purchases to scratch that itch.

      1. Flaxseed*

        I don’t have a high salary- I took a new position where I’m making less, plus in my last job I was paid weekly and now I get paid bi-weekly, so I think that is throwing me off as well.

        1. Pennyworth*

          Making myself think about whether the purchase is a ‘want’ or a ‘need’ has helped me avoid alot of impulse spending. I am also averse to resource wasting, and I really dislike Jeff Bezos so I won’t buy anything through Amazon.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      How are you over-shopping right now? Do you read a shopping list article about something, like the 10 best cheap earbuds, and buy a pair because you’ve been thinking you need some? Do you respond to sales emails or ads? Do you add extra things when buying something you genuinely need? How do you feel emotionally when you shop? Figuring out the whys and hows will help you slow down the process and give yourself time to think.

      Without knowing the details some things you could try are: remove your credit card from as many sites as possible and unsubscribe from all marketing emails; create a new email address just for shopping so the ads aren’t tempting you; physically get up and away from your device and set a 10 minute timer before going back to complete your cart…do something physical, like jumping jacks, to clear your head; or make a rule that you must search for coupon codes for everything to interrupt the process; write down what you want to buy, how much it costs, and why you want it before completing your cart…if you keep a running list you’ll be able to see patterns too; put the thing in your cart and then stop and imagine yourself using the thing and see if that scratches the itch without having to buy it; can you make the thing or do you already have one; set spending limits and waiting periods before you can buy; plan ahead so you’re timing purchases to sales. And remember that this is a learning process and not something you can fix overnight.

      1. Flaxseed*

        I make a detailed list for groceries, but sometimes buy extra stuff that I don’t need (and sometimes never use!) For online stuff, I get pulled in to the sales, gift with purchases, clearance items, etc. Social media- Sometimes I’ll use the codes that people post to get discounts, but this isn’t often.

        1. valentine*

          Set a budget. Put it on a single gift card and only refill it monthly. Enter the number on a spreadsheet, subtract recurring and estimated charges, like utilities, then enter other purchases. Check it before you buy so you know what your real current budget is.

          You can also add in that, whenever you see something shiny, you say, “Is that on the list? Then we’re not getting it. We’re [doing something positive] this month.”

        2. Natalie*

          For groceries, online order and pickup worked wonders for us as far as sticking to our list and budget. I think it’s a combination of not coming across random items in the aisles, since I’m just searching for each thing on the list, and being able to see the total cost before paying.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        This is amazing, thanks for this. I’ve been struggling with a shopping addiction as well. It’s been curbed since being home for 2+ months now but I still get the desire. Esp for baby stuff!

    6. Emma*

      When I decided I wanted to cut back on how much I was purchasing, I unsubscribed from all the emails from sites where I tend to shop – I realised that I would see something I might like, or information about a sale, and then click through and end buying things I did not actually need. I also thought carefully about my media consumption and whether I was reading “articles” or other information that is really just encouragement to buy more things (we see to be constantly fed the message that x or y will improve our lives, make us younger, healthier, look better, etc which is not the case most of the time).
      I found that excluding a lot of the things that were telling me to consume more was really helpful in making me spend less time shopping – which includes browsing websites (and less time shopping for me means less things purchased).

    7. Long Time Fed*

      I only shop at sites that take Paypal, and my Paypal is attached to my checking account. I had a ridiculously expensive Amazon habit and needed to go cold turkey.

    8. Koala dreams*

      Remove any saved information in your browser and the stores you shop from, so you have to type in everything again, and put the physical card in a wallet in a bag in a box so it will be annoying to get. You can also get a browser extension that blocks websites, and put the places you usually buy from on the forbidden list. I use Leechblock. It takes some effort to learn, but otherwise I’m happy with it.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have a pre-paid credit card which I find helpful for budgeting, as I have to choose a specific amount of money to put on the card, and once it’s gone, it’s gone!

    9. Angstrom*

      I find that putting something on a “wish list”(Amazon, for example) or “watch list(ebay) satisfies the hunting urge, and when I go back a couple of days later the desire to buy has usually diminished.
      Another tactic is to email myself the link to the item. Again, when I go back after some time has passed, the urgency to buy isn’t there.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Pinterest is also great for this. I found my shopping in general, not just online, went way down when I started just saving photos of things that caught my eye. I have saved tons of things that I’ll likely never buy but if I ever want to go back and look at stuff I found interesting it’s right there.

    10. LeahS*

      I tend to load up my cart and then walk away, telling myself I’ll check it out later. This works for me because I have ADHD and I usually forget about it a few minutes later. I doubt this would work for everyone but maybe it’s worth a shot! I also like the advice above about maybe getting a second credit card with a smaller limit? Or a prepaid card with a certain amount loaded each month or pay period?

    11. Lady Farquaad*

      I keep a record of my expenses on a spreadsheet and update regularly. When I track how much I’ve been spending it definitely makes me think twice before buying anything. When you focus on your budget throughout the week you are more mindful of spending as opposed to being confronted with a CC bill at the end of the month.

    12. BambooLeaves*

      When I’m looking at “would be nice to have” items (vs. “absolutely need now” items), I don’t log into any store accounts. I’ll just save the item page to my bookmarks in a folder for possible future purchase. I usually end up not ordering the stuff (or I don’t order it until I end up needing it).

  35. Lcsa99*

    Can anyone share examples of men (characters we would likely know) that are cat people? My husband is a bit of a dork and very much a cat person and is concerned that society always depicts men like him as ridiculous – his example was Matthew from Newsradio. So can anyone thing of manly men who love cats?

    1. Black Horse Dancing*

      Are you looking for fictional characters or real life? Abraham Lincoln loved cats, Charles Dickens, Ricky Gervais loved his feline friend Ollie (whom he just lost), Freddie Mercury, Morrissey–for fictional characters, I always loved Death from Terry Pratchett’s books.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Specifically looking for fictional characters but Norman Reedus is an awesome example! I knew I liked him for a reason.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      Your husband is right; the ‘real men love cats’ thing has only been around for about a decade (per a NYT article on it) and media has not caught up yet.

      But if he’s open to real life men who love cats:
      – Google ‘Neil Gaiman cat’ for some great pics.
      – My husband. Viking ancestry, so 6′ 4″, kinda resembles Gaiman. When I met him, he had 4 cats. One, the mom, followed him around like a dog and sat on him whenever he stopped moving. We’ve had cats for the last 20 years, all from his picks.

      Several of my male geek friends are cat people. I can think of three off hand who post pics of their cat ‘coworkers’ regularly, usually beside their monitors.

      A quick google check says a lot of male writers (besides Hemingway) liked cats: Huxley, Twain, Dumas, Ginsberg, Dickens (who stuffed Bob’s paw? um. hmm), Poe, Gorey, HG Wells, Kerouac, Chandler. I’d be happy to be in most any group that included Twain.

    6. Grits McGee*

      He’s not a man so much as an anthropomorphic personification, but Death in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series is a feline enthusiast.

    7. Black Horse Dancing*

      For fictional, there is Qwillian from The Cat Who series, Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, Dresden fron the dresden files.

      1. Four-legged Fosterer*

        I have fond memories of one episode where Geordie and Data were discussing the cat. Data said that he was training him, and Geordie looked amused and pointed out that the training seemed to be in the other direction. Data was trying to engage the cat in specific behaviours, but it wasn’t working so he was trying a bunch of options until he found what made the cat happiest.

        Another character is Rob from Get Fuzzy. I wouldn’t say that he was a ‘cat person’ as Bucky is a jerk, but he’s a man who accepts his jerky cat for who he is.

        1. Black Horse Dancing*

          I just found it amusing that the cat–an Abyssinian and male–became a female and totally different breed.

        2. Personal Best In Consecutive Days Lived*

          Sidebar, but I think Data’s Ode to Spot is the greatest prom ever written.

    9. Three Pines Visitor*

      Vito Corleone. Nobody thought he was ridiculous.

      Well, nobody ever let on that they thought he was ridiculous. It would have been…not a safe thing to do.

    10. Koala dreams*

      Media depicts cat owners in general as crazy cat lovers, it’s super weird. There are plenty of men and women who love cats in real life though. I have several relatives in that category, but I don’t keep up with the famous people so I can’t remember any names…

      1. Koala dreams*

        Oh, does the SF author John Scalzi count as famous enough? He posts beautiful cat pictures on his blog Whatever.

    11. LW 2*

      Hellboy! So many cats. Can’t get much tougher and cooler than Hellboy.

      Data also had a cat, and wrote a poem about him (her?)

      1. Lcsa99*

        I think this is my favorite response. I totally forgot how much he loved cats (and they love him!)

    12. TL -*

      The cat who series! The main character is a retired (or semi-retired?) big city journalist who moves to a small town with two cats and is a masculine but not macho man who solves mysteries.

    15. LeahS*

      Steven Ray Morris has a podcast called the Purrrcast! I haven’t listened to it but maybe check that out?

    17. RC Rascal*

      Rooster Cogburn has a cat named General Sterling Price. He was in the book, not the movie. ( True Grit).

    18. lazy intellectual*

      I can’t think of famous examples, but I know a bunch of…normal, I guess? men who adore cats. I’m talking even those super manly types who like sports and such.

      In general, the stereotype of cat people being weird is just some unkind trope started presumably by dog people. Not sure why it is a thing. Both dogs and cats are nice pets – IDK why people pit them against each other.

    20. Christmas Carol*

      Goggle the A&E reality show “Shipping Wars.” Until his sudden death due to a heart attack in Season 5, Roy Garber traveled the country hauling loads for U-Ship with his faithful side kick Muffy the tiger cat riding shotgun in his truck.

    21. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I know you wanted a character, but Ed sheeran (a real person) is a cat person. He made an Instagram account for his two cats and htey’re adorable.

      (Although, maybe people think he’s ridiculous, idk. I love him and think he’s a cool human)

      1. San Juan Worm*

        For adventurous types, there’s JJ Yosh and Simon (aka Backpacking Kitty).

  36. CatCat*

    Looking for non-reality TV, ridiculous soapy show recs. It turns out I *love* the hot nonsense that is the CW’s “Dynasty” reboot and I crave more shows of this absurd ilk.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Riverdale is absolutely a delightful hot mess. I think the CW is king of those shows.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          If you want something a little historical, Reign is available on Netflix and is the CW’s retelling of the France days of Mary Queen of Scots. It’s goofy, it’s romantic drama all over the place, it’s not even a little historically accurate, and because it’s the CW, they do all the sex drama without even a hint of boobs on screen. (Also, at some point, there’s a really entertaining exchange between the King and Queen of France discussing how laundry happens, because neither of them quite understands it, right after the king has accidentally knocked someone out a third story window mid-boinking. (See? IT’S ABSURD.) )

          1. CatCat*

            Haha, omg, I did watch Reign. Started because I love period pieces, but quickly realized the show was RIDICULOUS. Stayed because apparently I also love this sort of ridiculous nonsense.

            I’m sensing a trend and need to check out more CW shows it seems.

            1. Bex*

              CW has pretty much cornered the market on ridiculous soapy nonsense! Definitely check out Gossip Girl, maybe even it’s spiritual predecessor The OC. Hart of Dixie is a little less ridiculous, but also more charming. And Riverdale, as mentioned above, is absolutely a hot mess in all the best ways!

          2. Traffic_Spiral*

            Ah, Reign, AKA “period dress, prom dress, toMAYto-toMAHto, amIright?” But Catherine de Medici was great.

      4. lazy intellectual*

        I second Riverdale for it’s “….HUH??!……..”

        Also, Pretty Little Liars, definitely! I binged it a couple of years ago, and now I couldn’t recount the plot to save my life.

    6. CTT*

      I have no idea if it’s streaming anywhere, but the first few seasons of “Footballers Wives” was some real soapy fun.

    7. CatCat*

      Non-English speaking shows also welcome. I also watched “Yanxi Palace Princess Adventures,” which is a super soapy show set in imperial China.

    10. New Bee*

      Mistresses is an American remake of an Australian(?) show that fits your description. It’s on Hulu.

    11. Hi there*

      A Spanish show called “Grand Hotel” is like an over the top Downton Abbey with murder. The actors who play the main characters are incredibly good-looking. The series from 2011 is on Netflix. (I see there is a recent remake, I can’t speak to that.). Enjoy!

    13. Anono-me*

      It is old, but if you can find it you might get a kick out of ‘Soap’. It is actually a satire.

  37. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?
    (There are a couple gardening threads, but specific ones, so hopefully this isn’t redundant)

    My asparagus is done for the season. The tomatoes are thriving in the heat, and the garlic and raspberries are looking good. The irises are blooming, the tulips are done, and the milkweed is popping up. I will plant the potatoes and a bunch of seeds this weekend. They will be a week late, but at least I will get them in the ground.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I need to setup my climbing bean teepees this week. I have tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, summer and winter squash, and broccoli in the ground already.

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      It’s very exciting: my potatoes are growing. I’ve always wanted to grow potatoes. My seedlings have settled in and the seeds have all sprouted. The one exception is lettuce seeds in that paper tape that is supposed to make sowing easier. I’m not sure if the seeds are bad or the tape is too strong or what but after several attempts I’m barely getting any sprouting. And stores are sold out of seeds right now. I’m going to try cutting some seeds out of the tape and see what happens. I also need to put down weed barrier fabric for where I plan to let the squash vines run, but the stores are also out of stakes.

    3. Natalie*

      Last year I started budgeting for the garden over the winter, and had the very satisfying experiencing of buying *a lot* of perennials and decorative plants this year without stressing about the cost. So I have a planter box and a bunch of pots with decorative annuals, and perennials in a couple of trouble spots that I’ve been meaning to tackle for a while.

      The baby has been an impediment to getting my vegetables in, but most of what I like is hot season anyway, so I’m not that late. Assuming we’re not under martial law next week, sigh (I’m in Minneapolis), we have some care lined up for my daughter and I will finally be able to plant my damn tomatoes!

    4. GoryDetails*

      (New England area): I just planted my self-watering planters (two “City Pickers” types and an Earthbox, for those interested in specifics). I’ve used them for years for my favorite vegetable crops – peppers (sweet and hot), eggplant, tomatoes – and have found the relative ease of watering, as well as being able to roll them around a bit to capture the most sun in the late season, very helpful. I do hope to do some in-ground planting too, but I have a healthy population of rabbits, groundhogs, and chipmunks, so I’ll need to fence off anything I don’t want nibbled…

    5. Anonymath*

      I’ve now gotten over 30 passion fruit off my vines, which is only a small drop in the vast amount of green ones still clinging on. I’m going to call the local natural foods co-op and see if they’re interested in organic passion fruit, kale, and/or oregano, three things I’m drowning in. Cucumbers and watermelon sprouts are disappointing, Honeydew and cantaloupes are bigger than fist sized each. The okra is growing and luckily I’ve found a neighbor who likes the stuff.

      1. Four-legged Fosterer*

        You might check with your food bank. They are likely to have a big need this year, and I know ours takes fresh veggies from gardens! I’m not discouraging you from the co-op, but if they aren’t interested then any extra food should be able to find a welcome home!

    6. Nita*

      I seem to have a lot of tomato seedlings. Nothing else is coming up well, not surprisingly because the weather turned hot and dry as soon as I planted. The beans are growing very slowly, but haven’t caught whatever disease kills them indoors, so that’s nice. The Concord grape vines are setting fruit, which is nice but also… for the last three years, I’ve had to deal with more Concord grapes than I know what to do with. They have pits, so cooking anything with them is a chore. I should have known better than to plant a grape with pits!

  38. bassclefchick*

    Need help with British to American conversions, please! I’ve been watching Great British Bake Off and Nadiya’s Time to Eat and I want to bake! But, what the heck is cornflour?! Professor Google has been NO help as I’ve found different answers. Is it corn starch? Something else? The hazelnut mousse I tried to make from one of Nadiya’s recipes did not turn out. Still tasty, but not mousse consistency. At least I’ve figured out temperature conversions (Does everyone in the UK have a convection oven?!) and weights! TIA

    1. Amanda*

      Yes, apparently what we call cornflour here in the UK is corn starch in the US. It’s used as a thickener.

      Most people here do have fan ovens, yes, at least as far as I know. I haven’t lived anywhere without one in a very long time. When I was a kid the farmhouse we lived in had a AGA, but since then it’s always been fan ovens.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I had never heard of an AGA and had to google it. Never heard of a such a thing. Apparently they’re quite durable and they last for years and years. The one article I read said it was common for them to last more than 50 years.

    2. Kali*

      I had to look it up, because we call them fan ovens, but no, not everyone has one. They do seem to be becoming more common though, based purely on my own memories, and I wouldn’t be surprised if all the bake-off ovens are.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Some of the Bake-Off Masterclass episodes, they give the oven temps in both fan and standard, though they’re still Celsius. I seem to recall that the difference was usually about 25 degrees, though I don’t remember which one was higher and I don’t know that I’m remembering that correctly. So I might be totally useless here, haha. (But the Masterclass episodes were excellent, if only to watch Mary Berry bossing Paul Hollywood around.)

      2. BeeJiddy*

        If you bake something on the convection/fan setting, you put it down 20 degrees (celsius) e.g. 180 degrees regular bake would become 160 degrees fan bake. So you were pretty close!

    4. BeeJiddy*

      In NZ at least, cornflour is cornstarch. But cornflour can mean different things to different people I think. Cornflour to me is that stuff that looks like talcum powder, not the stuff that looks like ground-up corn. Cornflour needs heat to work, so it’s a bit weird that it would be used as a thickener in a cold dessert.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        In North America, ground-up corn would almost universally be called cornmeal or, I guess, polenta. Cornstarch is the off-white powder with the funny consistency.

        2. BeeJiddy*

          Yeah, I associate cornmeal/polenta with ground-up corn too, but over the years I’ve seen some recipes and posts suggesting that this isn’t the case for all people. I always put it down to regional differences.

        3. Natalie*

          It’s not common, but you can find “corn flour” as in corn ground to a texture similar to wheat flour, much finer than corn meal or masa. I’ve used it occasionally in gluten free recipes.

      2. Pharmgirl*

        I think many cold desserts like puddings, custards, pastry creams, are cooked and then chilled. Cornstarch is commonly used to thicken during the cooking process.

        1. BeeJiddy*

          Oh for sure, but I went and had a quick look at the recipe that was mentioned in the original post and it didn’t seem like the cornflour ever got heated, just whipped into the cream. Sorry, should have been more specific there.

          1. Jemima Bond*

            Cornflour doesn’t need to be cooked. That and the finer texture is why it’s often used in place of normal wheat flour which does need to be cooked.
            Some people add a little corn flour to meringues to improve texture and they are hardly cooked really.

            1. Pharmgirl*

              I’ve used cream of tartar for meringues, but never cornflour. I always thought it had to be cooked.

          2. Pharmgirl*

            Oh that is interesting! I wonder about that too – I suppose if it’s fine enough/whisked well it helps stabilize it? I’ve never used it without cooking it.

            1. Lissajous*

              Cornflour + water is a classic example of a shear thickening fluid, no heat required! Basically the action of two parts of the fluid sliding past each other are what causes it to thicken. And when you are stirring it fast, or beating it, that’s what you’re making happen. The more shear force you apply, the harder it gets – the faster you stir, the harder it is to push through!

              Cornflour + water is also called oobleck, and there’s a great video of a guy who squished some in a hydraulic press. He drilled holes in the plate so it had somewhere to go, and you can see how the stuff goes from liquid to practically solid as pressure is applied. Will link in a separate comment.

              Egg whites are another example, but they’re a bit more complicated in terms of what’s actually happening because bringing in the air is also important and the proteins are doing some funky stuff.

              You also get sheer thinning fluids, for which tomato sauce is the classic example. You hold the bottle upside down, nothing happens, you apply a bit of shear force (squeeze the bottle) nothing happens, you apply a lot of shear force (squeeze the bottle really hard) and suddenly it all comes out at once… that’s shear thinning for you.

    5. Purt's Peas*

      It is corn starch!

      My guess is that the consistency issue was because of temperature–for that recipe I’d keep everything ultra cold, especially if the nutella mix hasn’t cooled 100%. Another possibility is that the powdered sugar you used had a different powdery agent (idk what else to call it) than the one used developing the recipe…but my big guess is the temperature thing.

    6. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      FWIW Nadiya is very chatty on Twitter so she may be able to troubleshoot with you!

      1. fposte*

        Oh, that’s super cool–I love Nadiya! She was also the rare non-comedian who was very good on Would I Lie to You and held her own with Bob Mortimer.

    7. CoffeeforLife*

      I have been weighing all of my baking and general cooking items. It saves so much time and cleanup! I don’t have to spoon some sticky thing into a cup and then empty that out and wash both the spoon and cup. I just tare my bowl and pour. I have a google mini in the kitchen so I’m always asking it to do calculations. Cannot recommend enough switching to a scale.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Digital scales are life.

        I can see that in the olden days when you needed to put actual physical bras weights on a heavy cast iron scale and continually do arithmetic to work out how to add 2oz by taking off 6oz and adding 8oz, wiping out a cup would be more convenient, especially in a small kitchen.

        But I have the Joseph Joseph Triscale which folds up to the size of a small balloon whisk, and can tare or switch between units as it goes.

        (couldn’t do without for my nascent sourdough experiment)

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          BRASS WEIGHTS

          I do not recommend using lingerie as a measuring tool in the kitchen.

          (flipping autocorrect: I manually corrected that twice and it still thought it knew better…)

          1. Notthemomma*

            I don’t know, I feel I could get the guys to cook a lot more if lingerie WAS used as a measuring tool! Love that autocorrect gave a giggle. :-)

        2. Black Horse Dancing*

          I was think maybe the amounts varied with varying cup sizes–aa is a cup while dd are apound

      2. pancakes*

        +1. I bought a digital scale for around $20 when I started to get serious about cooking in 1999 or 2000 and it’s still going strong. I’ve only changed the 9-volt battery in it once.

      3. bassclefchick*

        I just bought a scale and made sure I could switch it to grams. Lifesaver!

    8. bassclefchick*

      Thanks for the help, everyone! I think my problem was just that I wasn’t patient enough to: whip the cream to soft peaks first OR let the nutella cool enough. Even baking fails are tasty, so it wasn’t too bad.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        My spouse declares everything a fail and suggests a prompt do-over as he licks the plate clean …

  39. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Who here has ever pulled a muscle sneezing? My spouse injured her back about an hour ago by sneezing and feels like an idiot. I keep telling her it’s not her fault, but I think she needs to hear something more encouraging. Who has hurt themselves sneezing and has lived to tell the tale?

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      I have weak abs and have to be careful about what position I’m in when I sneeze or I’ll strain something.

      1. MistOrMister*

        Not a sneeze, but I managed to herniate a disc in my back through a bout of coughing. Please tell spouse not to feel bad….there are dozens of us out here!

    2. sswj*

      I have.

      I was reaching across my desk for something (and not a crazy stretch, just an arm fully extended and a bit of body lean) and I sneezed. And then more or less froze that way for a bit because something in my back went ‘poing!’ and it hurt like hell. Finally sat up, got up carefully and shuffled to the bathroom for a dose of NSAID. Was definitely sore for a few days on top of feeling like an idiot.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not sneezing, but one ex-husband dislocated his shoulder giving me a hug, and the other broke his nose when his friend tossed a baseball cap to him and the brim hit him in the face.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I strained my stomach muscles coughing so badly one time that doctors thought I had damaged my liver– just because of the way the discomfort was presenting. Nope, just strained abs.

      She’s not alone!

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Two years ago I had such a bad sneezing/coughing fit that I thought I broke a rib. I was on my way to work and instead decided to go to the ER because I was scared I either broke a rib or was having a heart attack. Three hours, X rays and $300 later, just a muscle strain and otc Tylenol and “give it time.” Took about 6-8 weeks. I can laugh about it now but damn that was a tough time.

    8. Shirley Keeldar*

      I believe it’s actually quite common! Sneezing is pretty violent–your lungs are expelling air at 100 mph (says WedMD). It’s hard work for your body to do that. Please tell your spouse not to feel silly at all!

    9. nep*

      Interesting. I truly have to make sure I’m in a ‘good’ position when I have to sneeze. Bad things can happen (strain) when one really catches me off-guard and I’m in a twisted position or the like.

    10. Qwerty*

      Sneezing can be violent! You can do a lot of damage by holding one in so it isn’t that crazy that occassionally someone would pull a muscle during a sneeze. I pulled a muscle from coughing, so your spouse has plenty of company there.

      If you want something more ridiculous, I once gave myself whiplash while blow drying my hair and could barely move my neck for a week. If that had come from a sneeze it would have been a less embarrassing story.

    11. Jess*

      A bit over a year ago I had several injections in my facet joints. I was sore afterward but nothing crazy. A few weeks after that, I sneezed and had immediate, searing, on the floor crying level pain and I couldn’t walk normally again for well over 6 months and had to take a month off work. I don’t know if it was entirely the sneeze but something very weird definitely happened after it.

    12. Might Be Spam*

      I’ve banged my head on a post and a roll top desk from sneezing. No concussion, but major headsches and large raised bumps on my forehead that take weeks to go away.

    13. KoiFeeder*

      I pull my hamstrings all the time while sleeping. I once got my ribs subluxated by a koi. One time I stepped off of the curb while walking backwards and dislocated my hip. Sometimes when I yawn I pull a muscle in my jaw so severely that I dislocate the entire jaw.

      I have more stories of similarly stupid reasons I have gotten injured if she needs more reassurance.

      1. StrikingFalcon*

        I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but this sounds like there could be more than just clumsiness going on. Your stories sound similar to those of a friend of mine with Ehler’s Danlos Syndrome.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          That would be because I have Ehler’s-Danlos, yes. But thank you for checking in!

    14. dinoweeds*

      I have a history of lower back injuries and I have to be extremely careful about what position I’m in if I feel a sneeze coming on. My low back is so weak that if I am not supporting myself during a sneeze I will for sure injure myself again. And I’m only 34! Tell her to not feel too bad about it.

    15. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Not sneezing, but a few days ago I coughed hard enough that my right shoulder hurt afterwards.

    16. BikeLover*

      I’m a family practice physician and I swear, if I had a dollar for every one of my patients who put their back out sneezing, I could retire! Super duper common!

    17. No Tribble At All*

      Burst a blood vessel in my eye from coughing too hard. Not quite sneezing, but hopefully close enough to make your spouse feel less silly :)

      2. allathian*

        I’ve done the same. I’ve also managed to hurt my ribs by sneezing. They didn’t break, but I might have torn some ligaments in my back where they join the spine, because my back hurt for more than a week afterwards, I didn’t need to go to the ER. I’ve also managed to get a sneezing fit when drinking soda. It’s no fun to spurt soda through your nose. It would probably have stung for a while if I hadn’t been able to do a saline solution rinse to get the right salinity back in my nasal cavity. This way, I also avoided the worst of the phlegm. I’ve also had a sneezing fit while eating carrot, that wasn’t great either, although it hurt less than the soda. The mucus membranes of my nose had a field day producing the stuff, so I went through much of a family pack of handkerchiefs before I got rid of the last bit of carrot in my nose.
        Like some cats, I get a violent sneezing fit sometimes when I go out into bright sunlight.

    18. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Thanks everyone! After a couple of hours on the floor with a heating pad, she felt better (although still sore), and I think reading all these stories helped her psyche somewhat.

      For my part, a few years ago I strained a rib muscle sneezing. I was still functional but definitely hurting for over a week afterward, and felt completely ridiculous that this was the reason why. But that’s life, I guess?

    19. Blueberry*

      That’s how I gave myself my first sciatica attack. I sneezed so hard I pulled a muscle in my back that impinged on the nerve, and the rest is history.

      OTOH I’m not precisely known for my dignity. :) But you can tell her she’s not alone.

    20. RagingADHD*

      Ive tweaked my neck sneezing, but the real doozy was when I threw my back out putting my socks on.

    21. Fikly*

      I threw my back out so badly from one sneeze at 19 that I couldn’t move my arms for an entire week.

      Am alive and can move my arms again.

      But if your spouse wants to feel less stupid, feel free to tell her about the time I dislocated my shoulder sneezing.

    22. Alexandra Lynch*

      I have wrenched my neck by rolling over in bed. (sigh) Locked my neck and upper shoulder up for three days.

    23. Trixie, the Great and Pedantic*

      One of the most terrifying moments of my life was feeling something pop in my back after a coughing fit and not being able to move for a minute.

  40. Grits McGee*

    Does anyone have recommendations for enjoyable content (books, blogs, social media accounts, podcasts, etc) related to gardens and gardening in the Washington DC area? I follow the Smithsonian Gardens’ and National Botanic Garden’s IG accounts, but I’m really looking for something to dig my teeth into and substitute for being able to go out and smell some flowers.

  41. Pseudonomnomnom*

    What logistical questions would you be asking prior to attending an in-person wedding next month? I just got notified this week that my sibling’s wedding is taking place as originally planned in late June, without any reduction in the guest list (except those who may decline to attend). We are in a state that no longer has a statewide stay at home order, but continues to have rising COVID-19 cases. The wedding will be in a part of the state that has had fewer cases so far. There’s been mention of people wearing masks if they want to, but no real details so far on social distancing, number of actual expected attendees, indoor vs. outdoors, etc. I do expect that the ceremony at least will be outdoors.

    If it weren’t my sibling, I probably wouldn’t go, but it is, and my spouse and I are both in the wedding party. I’m looking for damage control ideas here.

    1. CheeryO*

      Oof, that’s tough. They should probably be postponing, unless it’s very small. You must be reasonably close if you’re in the wedding party, so I’d probably just be direct and ask what the RSVP list is looking like and whether they’ll be doing anything like spacing out chairs or providing masks for anyone who doesn’t bring one.

      They might need someone to bring them back to reality. I say this as someone who was supposed to be MOH at a wedding today; my friend was in deep denial until literally a couple weeks ago, when she finally postponed until next spring and scheduled a courthouse ceremony. I’m sure she lost money, and I feel terrible that they have to wait another year to celebrate, but it was almost a given that people were not going to come. It’s just too soon for most people to feel comfortable, even though we can technically have a small gathering at this point.

    2. Ranon*

      If you need to tread lightly with your sibling, you could ask what precautions the venue is taking (rather than sibling) to address the risks from Covid.

      You could also frame it as you being worried about spreading it since you’re coming from a riskier area

      If being blunt is an option I’d go with a more frontal “weddings are the type of event linked to cases of super spread, what are you doing to make sure your wedding won’t be one” but that’s a lot more blunt than a lot of relationships can take around these kinds of events.

    3. Overeducated*

      I don’t know but am struggling with a similar issue. A close friend rescheduled their wedding from this weekend to mid-July, with RSVPs due in two weeks, and it just seems way too soon. But not going seems hurtful too – I mean, they know we don’t have other plans. And if we go, we have to figure out babysitting two hours away. I wish they had postponed longer or made it really small.

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      Indoor/outdoor would be the biggest question for me. If the venue has a website, is there any information there about precautions they may be taking?

      Are they offering a virtual option?

      I got married a couple weeks ago. We had planned a state park wedding, but we opted for a backyard ceremony and only had about 7 people including us there. My parents are out of state so they didn’t even come. We’re hoping to have an outdoor reception at the end of August but this is just not a good year for weddings.

      If it were my sibling, I might go for the outdoor ceremony only and not stay for the reception depending on how dar I had to travel.

    5. Spearmint*

      Check to make sure if it’ll be legal. Many states are partially “opening up”, but afaik most/all are still prohibiting large gatherings.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Sadly, many many states are now allowing gatherings without restrictions or with barely any restrictions (I know OH is allowing weddings of up to 300 people). I’m in IL so we’re still capped at 10, with the cap going up to 50 in the next phase. It will stay at 50 until we have a cure or vaccine. But the majority of nearby states have much looser guidelines.

    6. WellRed*

      If cases keep rising, the wedding may have to be cancelled, or altered in terms of where and how many attendees are allowed. What would make you and your husband most comfortable in terms of how you can protect yourselves? Is it wearing masks? Standing 6 feet away? Skipping the reception?
      perhaps your sibling hasn’t figured out all the logistics yet? Could you offer to help?

    7. Bex*

      Dear god. This makes me so very thankful for my sister, who would never consider having a large wedding during a pandemic.

      In your situation, I might try to get more details on the indoors vs outdoors. If the ceremony is outdoors, maybe you can participate in that and then graciously bow out of the reception if it’s indoors? Family is complicated, but I also wouldn’t be comfortable letting them guild me into doing something that I know is a terrible and dangerous idea.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been confronting similar issues myself as we “open up” and that means such different things to different people. For myself, I’ve decided that all I can do is determine my own risk/reward calculation for any particular event or experience.

      It sounds like you’re pretty committed to attending this wedding. So I’m not sure that there’s much to gain in getting very fine-grained with your sister about what her guest list is and what her precautions are. If I were you, I would try to think about any absolute deal-breakers, where you really would stay home if those occurred, and ask about them. If the ceremony were indoors with no social distancing, would you choose not attend? Then ask about that. Etc.

      After that, I would assume the worst. I would assume that people will not be wearing masks, or that if they start off wearing them, they’ll come off pretty quickly. I would assume that whatever the “rules” are about social distancing, as soon as anyone’s had a glass of wine they’ll all be up in each other’s space. Given that you’ve decided to attend, if all of those worst-case events transpired, what precautions would you want to take to feel as safe as possible?

      Masks are generally to protect other people, but thicker masks with filters appear to provide some additional protection to the wearer. Could you find a mask that you feel would give you some personal protection? Are you willing to pay the social cost of enforcing your own social distancing, even if other people aren’t? That’s very hard to do, especially at a celebration with family, so if you’re committed to that, have some strategies and scripts in mind beforehand. Whatever else would make you feel comfortable in terms of hand sanitizer, maybe wearing eyeglasses even if you generally don’t, etc.

      The one thing I think you could do, in advance, is tell your sister what your own plans are and ask her and your other close relatives not to shame you or try to persuade you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, no matter what the “rules” are for the rest of the party.

      Good luck. These are strange times and no one’s really adjusted to them.

    9. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Since you’re in the wedding party, ask what they’re doing to make sure that the people getting married and the wedding party will be safe from COVID-19. In particular, will you and your spouse be walking close behind people you don’t live with, or standing with the people getting married while the ceremony is performed?

      Something like that might be changeable without affecting whatever your sibling and their spouse consider essential parts of a wedding.

      Can you skip the rehearsal dinner (if any), take part in the wedding itself, and then slip out soon after the reception starts?

    10. Dancing Otter*

      How about matching masks for all the guests in the goody bags, but handed out upon arrival? Brides have certainly made far less reasonable demands, heaven knows.

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I absolutely would NOT buy something like that for a neighbour. I’m not even sure if I’d buy it for a friend. Something personalized like that is (obviously) super personal, and if it were me (someone who’s lost a pregnancy), I would be badly put off. If you’re dead set on the personalization thing, I’d send a gift card, either physical or digital, for something from Etsy or somewhere else so that the person can get whatever they’d like in whatever colour scheme they’d like, etc.

      I appreciate that you’re trying to do something for your neighbour, and your heart is certainly in the right place, but I’d be very wary of getting something intensely personal like that. It would be very easy to go wrong and give something that hurts instead of heals. A gift card or gift certificate, yes, a genuinely heartfelt note, gifts of food and services (mow their lawn, walk their dogs, pick up their groceries), all absolutely yes. But I’d stay away from personalized gifts unless I was absolutely 100% certain that it was exactly what they wanted.

      1. MissGirl*

        Thanks for your feedback. We had a long conversation where she was saying she was struggling with how to honor him and not wanting people to forget she had him. So I want to make sure the gift recognizes that but does not offer more pain. I’d like to get something more personalized than a gift card or a meal but not something that would cause any heartache.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          The thing is, that struggle she has is going to go on forever. Her whole life. For as long as they live, the baby’s parents are going to remember their child, and because of the way life moves quickly, other people will be forgetting. So there’s no need to rush on a memorial gift like this, because they’ll have a lifetime to work on it. But a gift like this–if someone had given me something like that right after I miscarried, I would have been deeply upset and hurt.

          So there’s no need to rush on this. And one of the most important things to do in grief is just remembering the person who’s gone. Use their name. Don’t avoid the fact that they existed. Let your neighbour take the lead, but don’t shy away from letting her talk about her baby, or remembering that they existed. Remembering yourself and doing the uncomfortable work of talking about the person who is gone will be infinitely more memorable and well-received than a physical thing. There will always be time for a physical gift.

          1. MissGirl*

            Thank you for your response. They’re having a funeral this week. I know they’re getting a lot of support right now.

            1. Aurora Leigh*

              I might go with something more in line with a funeral/memorial gift. My concern with the link is that it is something many parents would display for a living child. My friend lost a child (very premature, stillborn) and she really treasured the angel wing things and such. A floral arrangement or plant could be thoughtful as well. Or a small statue. I would avoid anything that looks like a new baby gift and stick to things that are clearly in memory of.

          2. Jane*

            This is what I wanted to say to but was struggling to find the words. Tell her you’re thinking of her at Mother’s Day, Christmas, the anniversary of her loss. An outpouring of support is really common at this time, but it fades very quickly- the people who remember this continues to be hard are the ones I treasure.

        2. Patty Mayonnaise*

          Honestly I think your job for that conversation was to support her by listening to her and validating her feelings (which you did), not to solve the problem for her by finding the right gift. I have a close friend who had a late term loss – I provided a couple meals and it was much appreciated, but closer to what you want to do, I try to text/email her at important times (Mothers day, infant loss awareness week) and let her know I’m thinking of her baby. It’s been six years and I think this has been the most meaningful thing I’ve done to support her.

    2. Anon5775*

      I have no personal experience with this, but my sister is a crocheter and I think she’s heard of people making baby blankets. Normally the baby would use them, but now the parents can cuddle with the blanket as a form of comfort, hopefully.

    4. LibbyG*

      That’s a toughie. Grief is such an individual journey. If you really want to give a gift, it should be something small and put-away-able. If she celebrates Christmas, maybe a little-boy angel ornament or something. You probably can’t mitigate her grief; only honor it.

      1. MissGirl*

        Thank you. That’s what I want to do but I’m the proper way, whatever that may be.

    5. Wehaf*

      Could you have a tree planted in his memory? Local park districts will do this, or the Arbor Day Foundation.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Or a donation to any approp0s charity.
        A heartfelt handwritten condolence letter is the traditional thing to send.
        I am very, very sorry for your neighbor.

    6. Jemima Bond*

      I was listening to a very thoughtful discussion on grief on a podcast the other day and it was said that people often say things like “if there’s anything I can do let me know” but a grieving person is like a depressed person in that it can be difficult for them to articulate or know what help they would like, so asking them that is just giving their poor brain more work that it just can’t even right now. Could be better to say “would you like me to come round on Wednesday night and cook you a roast chicken?”. Or take food, do the washing up that’s in the sink, take the bins out and don’t stay more than an hour.

  44. MelMc*

    Can anyone point me towards good resources on the care of curly hair? Menopause has changed my life-long ruler-straight hair to curls. At 55 I no longer even know how to comb my hair so it lays how I want. Some days it’s okay, others I look like a poodle in a wind storm. It’s so frustrating to feel like I’m five and learning all over again.

    1. Emma*

      You might check out Lorraine Massey’s book “Curly Girl: The Handbook”, which is all about managing curly hair. You will also find loads of videos on YouTube with people showing how they do the “curly girl method” and their results.
      There seems to be some controversy about Deva Curl products, but Deva Curl does train good stylists. If you can find a Deva Curl trained stylist near you, they should be able to give you some helpful advice on managing your new hair.
      Curly hair comes in lots of varieties and different products will work differently for different curls, so it may take a little while to find your perfect method.
      Hope it goes well.

      1. Fulana del tal*

        I didn’t really find her book helpful or insightful. I do recommend YouTube tutorials. Finding your hair type and pattern may help finding products that will work with hair.

    2. I hate the offseason*

      Naturally Curly website has a lot of info geared towards different types of curly hair. I only comb it when it is wet and let the curls do their thing. I fought them for years but am much happier now that I can just wash and go (with some styling product).

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Merida hair here. :) Less brushing than you’re probably used to – you’re looking more for a pick or a wide-toothed comb than a normal brush, otherwise you’ll probably just end up with frizz. You might benefit from a spray-on leave-in conditioner as well, to help tame it without adding too much product. I can’t wash mine more than once a week or it gets Very Angry, but that’ll be dependent on your hair’s underlying texture and the way your scalp behaves. Microfiber towels will help with the drying – and squeeze, don’t scrub when drying. Basically, you want to be as hands-off with it as you can, and it will cooperate more.

      You might look at the Curly Girl book. :)

      1. Imtheone*

        Comb when wet, use moisturizing conditioner and leave-in conditioner to combat frizz. Get a good haircut (when we can do that safely).

        From the girl with the curliest hair in elementary school – and it stayed that way through menopause. (But my mom had the same experience you did .)

    4. MistOrMister*

      I don’t have any specific resources, but a leave-in conditioner might help. I usually wash my hair with shampoo only, then do leave in conditioner and do two french braids and leave it alone for at least one full day. When the braids come out there’s a wavy something going,on that tends to look nice.

      With curls, a wider toothed comb might be a better fit. Or even no comb! Sometimes a finger comb is better. Also, a stiffer bristle brusg can be very helpful to get the hair to stat more flat.

      Hopefully you find something that works! And don’t be too discouraged. A lot of us have no idea what is going on with our hair. Every time I think I’ve got mine under control it does something completely out of left field and I have to start experimenting with something else.

    5. Babs*

      Look up Maines by Mell on youtube. She’s fun to watch and lots of different types of curls and she’s a professional. She breaks a lot of the curly girl rules which I love.

      You may actually find that your curly hair is less fuss and less maintenance once you find what works for you.

      I’d also add to your supply list a good water spray bottle, the kind with the continual pump for refreshing curls in the morning. Best investment ever for me. (I’ve lived with curly hair my whole live and just found it at age 40.)

    6. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      longhaircommunity(dot)com is a fantastic forum. There’re areas for natural or conventional care, all possible hair types, and it’s not just for people trying to grow their hair out.

    7. dinoweeds*

      I’ve had curly hair my whole life and I recently discovered the “Curly Hair Solutions Flexy Brush” on Amazon and it has been life changing. And remember, it is always best to brush curly hair while it’s wet. Brushing dry curls usually ends up in a fluffy disaster.

    8. Parenthetically*

      Real Life + Curly Girl is great. Link in follow-up comment!

      I got to the point where I felt like I had to wash every single day because of an oily scalp, but it was absolutely frying my hair. So I changed my routine and discovered I actually have wavy hair?! I’ve found a good routine but it’s still being tweaked.

      Mine goes: weekly shampooing, “washing” with conditioner on non shampoo days (a REVELATION for my hair — getting it soaking wet, scrubbing the absolute dickens out of it, putting a silicone-free conditioner on it and scrubbing again, then continuing to scrub as it rinses gets it basically as clean as washing with shampoo without drying my hair), rinsing/scrunching upside-down, combing upside-down while it’s dripping wet, adding products (I do a little curl milk and a little soft-hold gel) to WET hair before plopping in a microfiber towel, then diffusing or air drying.

    9. Filosofickle*

      I got started by watching YT videos, seeking those with my hair type to learn from. Many of the hair youtubers have “getting started” videos — seek those out and avoid getting into the weeds right away. There is an overwhelming amount of content. (I’m wavy, 2b/c. I needed vastly more conditioner, especially leave in, and less brushing. Combing is likely working against you.)

      More recently I joined Reddit for their /curlyhair sub, which has also been helpful. There are some beginner resources and product guides, plus a whole community of people who post their experiences/routines and answer troubleshooting questions.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      **Warning: long post. I name hair products and web sites. Hopefully all uninterested folks will skip this.

      About 2 years ago I grew my hair to approximately shoulder length after wearing it short for many years. My hair is thick; forms curls or ringlets as it dries (maybe 3B as per some curly-hair assessment scales?); becomes a frizzy cloud if combed or brushed once dry. Of course, I spent my teens and early twenties wanting silky, smooth, straight hair. We always want what we don’t have.

      From my current salon, which follows Lorainne Massey and the Deva Curl method, I’ve learned that curls have to be calmed while wet or significantly damp. At their recommendation I tried Innersense brand items: shampoos, leave-in conditioners, and curl control lotions. Most are only lightly fragrant but my life includes someone so significantly allergic to *all* scented products that I was already using this person’s fragrance-free shampoo (DHS Clear Shampoo; personandcovey dot com) for in-person visits. The similarly suitable conditioner I found is Free & Clear Hair Conditioner by Pharmaceutical Specialties, Inc. (vanicream dot com).

      While my hair grew I learned that 1 or 2 capsful of apple cider vingear made a great hair-tamer. I still use it to rinse off residue of previously applied leave-in conditioner.

      The hair-products marketplace has oodles of specialized shampoos, leave-in conditioners (apply in the shower) and curl-control products (apply after showering, or after dampening your hair instead of showering). My salon, Lorraine Massey, and Deva Curl advise avoiding sulfates and a few other chemical ingredients whose names I can’t recall. Beyond that, it’s a matter of experimentation plus your own preferred price, fragrance intensity (or absence), and grooming routine. Some people find workable products in the “$1.99 mass market” category. So far I have not, but my cost-per-use is still low because I now wash my hair only every 7 to 10 days. On non-wash days I dampen, then add a small amount of conditioner.

      The advice is spot-on to avoid traditional towels and blot, not rub, your wet hair dry. I use old event T-shirts. (You can also find T-shirts at thrift stores, or get a 3-pack of men’s undershirts from any big-box or independent retail store.) Size L or XL provide ample fabric for head-wrapping/hair-blotting while getting dressed.

      Final comment: The marketplace for curly hair products is dynamic. You may need to find products more than once. My currently favorite shampoo (Acure Mega Moisture Argan Oil & Pumpkin) was recently discontinued—a First World problem, but still annoying. My favorite curl control, Karen’s Body Beautiful Naturally Chic Leave-In Conditioner (unscented) is available online-only (karensbodybeautiful dot com). Online shopping works for me, but sometimes it takes more time and attention than a run to the pharmacy or supermarket.

      1. Filosofickle*

        For fragrance free, check out Jessicurl. Every single one of their products comes in a no fragrance option. Luckily, while I have many scent sensitivities, Innersense’s are light enough to work for me. Those are two of my go-to companies for curly supplies.

    11. bring on the silver*

      Part of my quarantine experience has been embracing my actual hair texture and color, which it turns out is curly and gray. I’ve been fighting both for years – I’m 53.

      I’ve found a few facebook groups to have a lot of information, and have also learned people have fierce convictions about the “right” way to take care of hair. It can be exhausting.

      For the time being, I am trying the Curly Girl method and sticking to water soluble products. It’s only been a few weeks but so far, things seem to be falling more into place. My hair is damaged from all the dye and straightening from the past mumble-mumble years, but I am developing a frizz free curl (some days, I still find it a crap shoot).

      I am using Raw Curls products; got them online. Not cheap, but I am considering it an experiment and since I haven’t been going to the salon, it fits my budget.

      Here are the fb groups.
      Curly Girls! – Support Group for Curly / Wavy / Natural Healthy Hair
      Curly Silvers
      Beauty Reinvented
      Going Grey Gracefully
      Also the reddit mentioned above has been very useful:
      https://www.reddit.com/r/curlyhair/

    12. Recent Grad*

      My hair went from straight to curly in middle school (Big hormonal change) so I get what you are going through. One thing that took me about 8 years to figure was that shampoo with SLS (Sodium lauryl sulfate) was making things 10x worse. I switched to SLS free shampoo a few years ago and now my hair while still curly doesn’t resemble a poodle. Like other commentators have mentioned leave in conditioner And only brushing/combing hair when wet can also have a huge effect.

  45. The Other Dawn*

    For the gardeners out there, if I temporarily move perennial herbs (sage, thyme and oregano) from a raised bed to a large pot and then into the ground elsewhere, any idea how long I could get away with them in pots? I assume they’d be OK for a few weeks, but I’ve never done that before and I definitely don’t have a green thumb.

    Due to post-op restrictions, I can’t do any digging or weeding. My sister plans to visit in a few weeks to do it for me, but until then I need to get the herbs out of the beds (they’ve taken over) so I can put veggies in. I already have the veggie plants and don’t want to leave them in their tiny containers for two the three more weeks. The herbs will go in my flower garden since there’s a ton of room there and sun all day. My husband can take the herbs out for me since it’s pretty loose dirt, but he really shouldn’t do the digging the big garden due to a torn rotator cuff.

    1. sswj*

      They should be fine for quite a while so long as you’re careful about keeping them watered and in appropriate light. Things dry out so much faster in pots, and it’s really easy to cook them in the sun too if the pot is in a sunny corner with limited air movement.

    2. Jen Erik*

      I think they’ll be fine. We’ve both thyme and oregano in tubs at the moment, and they’re very happy, and I can’t see why sage wouldn’t be.

    3. Llellayena*

      I have all my herbs in pots and have grown all three of the ones you’re contemplating that way. Because they are in pots I can’t treat them like perennials though, they die over the winter. So you should be ok as long as you replant back in the ground by then.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks! I kind of thought they’d be OK, but wasn’t sure since I haven’t really dug up plants before and had to hold them for several weeks before replanting. I’m thinking I might divide the thyme and oregano. I assume that will be fine also. Considering how much they’ve spread in the two years I’ve had them, I think they’d make good ground cover and choke out some weeds.

      1. Natalie*

        They sell some more decorative oregano varieties as ground cover, so you’re instincts are spot on there.

  46. I hate the offseason*

    Any recommendations for online resources for dealing with a parent with dementia? We just moved dad to an assisted living facility which is of course not letting anyone visit (except outside). He is desperate to escape. He wants to visit his old friends at the club (which has been closed). He is 90 and called me 3 times last night yelling at me to get him his car. I’m several states away, and haven’t been able to see him for obvious reasons. Some days he is very happy, but when he goes on a tear like last night I have a hard time dealing. Note, the move was not optional for any of us…he was hospitalized, and while in the hospital, the woman he had been living with told us that she couldn’t handle him moving back. Last night he was threatening to call the police and also to kill himself, but I know he is not in his right mind. I’m hoping they get him some meds that will help with the sundowning.

    Anyway, I’d appreciate online resources (since I’m not getting out). I should probably call my employee assistance program, but I like reading more than talking, if that makes sense.

    1. Qwerty*

      I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

      Trying search for “sunsetting”. It is very common for dementia to get worse in the evenings, so there should be some resources there.

      Is there a pattern to when he enters escape mode? For my grandfather, we were able to reduce a lot of it by having someone call him right when he got back to his room after dinner, even if it was just a short conversation. Coming back to the room after dinner would set him off because my grandmother was gone (he didn’t remember that she passed) so he’d either tear up the place looking for her, or start looking for his siblings from childhood, or some other scenario. Similar calls happened to my mom nightly asking for his car. The phone calls help redirect him when the car idea first comes up before he got fully worked up and then we’d end the call by convincing him to turn on the TV and watch golf. (For us, he’d often think he was in a hotel since he used to have a traveling job, so we’d just play it off as “just go to breakfast in the morning and they’ll bring your car around”. It helped that the dining room on his floor was next to the elevator so in the morning he’d always get distracted by the bacon) Later on we also had to start doing a round of calls for when he got back from lunch too.

    2. Washi*

      Have you checked out the Alzheimer Association? They have an extensive website that will direct you to local pages if you want to look up regional resources. They also run support groups, which I assume meet online now.

      1. Roly Poly Little Bat-Faced Girl*

        Seconding the Alzheimer’s Association website. It has general articles on the disease, local resources and links like Washi said, and I believe forums too. I hope you are also receiving support from loved ones. I know how difficult it is dealing with a parent with this terrible disease.

    3. Lizabeth*

      Talk to the director of the facility where he is living, they will have either a written list of resources or a mental list. The place where Mom lived was very helpful that way. Also a virtual hug because it’s hard to see a parent like this. Definitely talk to them about his meds – an anti anxiety med and an antidepressant worked wonders for Mom. Depending on how sharp he is at the moment, deflecting until tomorrow always worked for us with Mom. Or if she mentioned Dad, he was either lunching or playing golf and would come by later. The car? Say it’s in the shop being fixed. NONE of what he’s saying is personal, it’s the dementia talking. There were times were I was the DEVIL CHILD in her eyes and some of the stuff that she said was hard to hear but it was the dementia talking.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I’d also recommend reporting your dad’s behavior to his facility every time it happens. Keep a log. They need to know about these events to accurately treat your dad.
        When my mother got frantic long-distance phone calls from Grandma in the nursing home, it was because Grandma had not taken her anti-anxiety pill. The pills were ending up under Grandma’s bed for some reason. Mom didn’t realize she could call the facility and have them check on Grandma. If Mom had known sooner to ask for help, she wouldn’t have been on the receiving end of so many tirades. *sigh*
        Best of Luck

    5. Jackalope*

      If you’re in the US (which it sounds like since you mentioned being several states away), each state should have an Aging and Disability agency that you can google, and then contact them for ideas. I don’t know about all the states, of course, but the one in my area was super helpful and had useful ideas. (They also had a regular class offered every other month or so that went for 4-6 sessions giving you information on different issues that come up with having dementia or having a family member with dementia; things like how to deal with finances, dealing with the person acting in some of the ways you’ve mentioned, how to handle medical care, and so on. I did the class once and it was SUPER helpful.) They’re also generally connected to other resources so might be able to help you out there as well.

  47. sswj*

    How in the world do you keep up with these massive threads? Do you have a system to remember what you wanted posts to check responses on? So far I’ve just been searching my name to see who else has commented, but there are sometimes topics I’m not interested in commenting on but that I do want to read what others think. I tend to keep it set at Collapse All unless I’m searching something particular, but that still gets to be a heckuvalotta scrolling by Sunday afternoon!

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I have a lot of time on my hands now so I have this open most of the weekend. Throughout the weekend I’ll just do a search like you did but afterwards if there are posts I want to refer back to, I’ll just save the link in an email draft. (It just occurred to me that I could have also just bookmarked them).

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I usually just not down a name on any thread I want to recheck. Also the name of the last thread I read so on Sunday and I go to the place I left off and read new posts.

      1. valentine*

        If you click the time stamps, you can click on them in your history.

        I remember names or details, but there isn’t usually an update.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      When you find a comment you like, I’d recommend clicking on the date/time stamp. You’ll see that the URL will change and you can save it for later on your favourites, that way when you go back, you’ll be more or less in the same place. One thing I do recommend though, if you do this, is collapsing all comments otherwise you might find the comment pushed further down by the additional comments above and you’ll still have to scroll.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        One note about this: If you have “collapse all” checked and you’re bookmarking a reply, it won’t work when you click back on that bookmark — because the replies are collapsed. It’ll only work if you have everything expanded.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      Yes, I use the ‘collapse all’ function initially, opening interesting threads to read. If I participate in a thread or want to read more entries in it through the day, I track it: I keep a little notebook by my computer and write down either a keyword or a member’s name from the first entry in the thread I want to check in on. Then periodically through the day when I drift back to my computer, I use the browser search to find the keyword/name and return to the updated thread. Here is how – I use the browser Brave, so I have a little navigator button top right that I click on, scroll down to “Find” and then enter the word/name and scroll through each instance until found.

      It really works! And because I choose a keyword/name from the very first entry in the thread, I can search successfully whether the threads are collapsed or not.

    5. HBJ*

      I read on my phone. If I see something I really want to catch up on, I add it to my reading list (iPhone) by holding down on the comment link (the date and time under the username). I do the same with the last comment I read so I can pick back up where I left off.

      It doesn’t work perfectly. For some reason, after I click the link in my reading list, the page loads to the comment but then jumps back 3-4 comments so I have to scroll a little to find the comment again. Super annoying, it’s better than nothing.

  48. Making Friends in Isolation*

    Posted late last week so trying again to have more discussion

    Has anyone had success in creating a new social life during social distancing? I moved to a new city pre-pandemic and didn’t make any new friends before the pandemic hit. My previous friends are too busy with their kids to talk and I just went through a break up so the isolation kinda hit me like truck recently. I’ve spent the past few months working 10-12hrs days to help prevent layoffs at my company so I’m burned out and need a change.

    I’ve been checking Meetup a lot but the only open virtual events are for professional groups. Those aren’t really a good option right now because I’m trying to get a break from work and for many of them I’d also be appearing as a company representative, so it would just feel like I’m still at work. (Please believe me about what Meetup events are available in my area)

    I just want some light hearted fun and conversation. I feel like I’m losing the ability to talk about anything not-work related. Is there an online replacement for going to a bar and making a friend? How do you even know what to talk about in these virtual hangouts?

    1. Nicki Name*

      Do you have any hobbies? Do they have any kind of online meetups or ongoing real-time discussion spaces? Having something themed around a topic means you’ve always got something to talk about.

      For instance, I’m a gamer, and I’ve been spending a lot more time on Discord, where there are a ton of gaming communities. Any time of the day, there’s a conversation going on.

    2. Disco Janet*

      The first couple virtual hangouts I went to were kind of awkward. We started using playing the game ‘drawful’ while Zooming and it has been a big hit!

      I know that doesn’t help with FINDING a group, though. Alison (if you see this), is there any sort of rule against someone here posting a link to a new social chat group for people from here who’d like to participate? As it’s own separate thing, of course – I anticipate and completely understand that it would be overwhelming to have it be anything you’re at all involved in, especially as you’re already kindly experimenting with the open threads for us.

    3. Might Be Spam*

      My library has virtual discussion groups as well as book groups.

      I also googled “virtual” and a subject to find online groups that are interesting.
      So far, I’ve found online sci-fi conventions, filk circles, dancing, and Tai Chi groups. Many groups seem to make time for general conversations.

      I have more of social life now than before the pandemic. People in the groups come from all over and I actually met new people in my city through groups that originated in other countries. When we are able to travel safely, I’m considering visiting some of the groups in person.

      I’m an anxious introvert and it seems less stressful to meet people this way.

    4. Star Nursery*

      One idea that comes to mind is joining Book of the Face private groups for topics that interest you. Your new city/community may have a group; pretty much anything you name has a group… (cooking, crafting, dog lovers, cat lovers, etc.)

      Is there still a phone app for making friends? Bumble BFF or one of the similar type of phone app’s?

      Good luck!

  49. In an elephunk*

    This is covid related on what I can do.

    I found out yesterday while picking up my children from daycare, one of their teachers tested positive. So one child had constant direct contact and the other had contact in passing. I had contact with the teacher while passing my child to them. I’m devastated as my child has a history of health issues.

    Since we all had contact with this person, we are all on 14 day quarantine. I was not prepared at all for this as this was my weekend to go grocery shopping. I couldn’t even go before I picked up kids as they informed me at pickup. I also have a small cash savings at my home as I just returned to work and have been putting cash into my account for bills as needed. And when I get my first paycheck being back, it is a papercheck that would need to be deposited. They could mail it but I would be paying my rent almost a week late. (Governor lifted renter eviction protection and our rental company has had no leniency throughout the pandemic-sending notices that there are no exceptions, rent is due no matter what.)

    My questions are on what I can do right now.

    1. Can I do grocery car pickup?
    2. How can I safely get my check in time for rent?
    3. Can I deposit my cash and/or check into my bank atm?
    4. Can I get my mail if my mailbox is in a communal mail building(not post office but rental company)?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Yes, do store pickup, they should load into your trunk with no contact.
      Can someone else deliver your paycheck, just drop it off?
      I think atm is ok, but I’d take wipes and wear a mask
      Not sure about the mail

    2. Mimosa Jones*

      Does your bank have electronic deposit where you can take a picture of the check and submit it? And does your area have that postal service that gives you advanced notice of your mail? You can create accounts with your utilities to see the electronic version of your bills. I don’t know about grocery pick-up. You might be better off with a delivery service if there’s one in your area. Although if you can do grocery pick-up then maybe you can schedule a time to drive by your workplace to get a physical check. Or maybe the knowledge that you’ve been exposed will inspire them to work out a contact-free solution. And you could probably do a drive-up ATM where you can wipe down the key pad before and after you’ve used it, but not one that’s indoors. But mainly, is there a social services organization in your area that helps people with Covid19? These are issues that many people must be facing right now and we’re far enough in that you can’t be the first to have this need. Hopefully there are agencies that are working to solve these problems for people in your area.

    3. Ranon*

      Money first- Does your bank do mobile deposits where you can photograph the check to deposit it? Can your check be dropped off at your house by a friend? Heck, can a friend deposit the check for you? I know my boss has done that for folks on occasion.

      Is there a mutual aid group in your community that could do a grocery pick up for you? Anyone you could trust to go pick up your mail? I know it’s not fun to ask for help but right now I think your best bet is to reach out and ask, even if you don’t have super tight ties- lots of people want to do something to help fight this thing and helping an acquaintance with groceries or mail pickup is within a lot of folks’ abilities.

      I’m so sorry, what a sucky combination of circumstances!

      1. Ranon*

        I should add- there’s a weird quirk of human psychology where people tend to think well of people who ask them favors because doing a favor for someone makes us feel good about ourselves and we associate that good feeling with the person who asked for the favor. Asking for small but meaningful favors (like if someone can pick up groceries for you) is actually a good way to form social bonds. You don’t have to have a whole exchange of favors built up to ask for one, it’s fine to just ask!

    4. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      You can go out to do the necessities, as long as you are taking all the precautions you need to take (masks, sanitizer, single use gloves, wipes…whatever that means for you) and ensuring social distancing. Grocery pickup? Where you pop the trunk and they load it in? Yes, you need food! Ask your place of employment how they would like you to get your check (mail it? socially distant handoff…they put it outside with you in view and you grab it). If you cannot do banking online, using drive through ATM with all the precautions to deposit. Getting your mail with all the precautions and no one else is around (touching only your mailbox, and so forth). These are necessities that as long as you’re quick and take precautions when you’re out and immediately when you get back in your house, you need to do these things to continue the basics of living.

    5. Llellayena*

      The other comments have solutions for most of this. Does the staff at the mail location have access to your mailbox (as in, can the staff open your mailbox to retrieve your mail for you)? If so, you could possibly call ahead and arrange a curbside pickup similar to the groceries: pull up, call in, open the trunk for them to drop the mail there.

    6. Old and Don’t Care*

      That sucks! Does your state have any resources for either questions or assistance? I know some do. Absent that, I would try to get as much help from non quarantined people as possible. I don’t think I’d pick up groceries but I would deposit my check or cash to an ATM. Paycheck is a tough one; I’d be inclined to call the rental company before trying anything else.

      I think a lot of this varies by state so I would look at their online guidance first.

    7. Fulana del tal*

      Can you and your family get tested? NYS now allows anyone to get tested. That way you won’t have to wait the 14 days.

      1. LGC*

        It wouldn’t be immediate. She could theoretically get tested today and be clear…but develop symptoms a few days later (the incubation period averages five days, but ranges up to 14).

    8. LGC*

      Oh Jesus.

      1 is something I probably wouldn’t do. First, car pickup depends on location and store. Like, for example, I think the Whole Foods in my town does it, but the Stop & Shop doesn’t (right now). Second, unfortunately…you kind of have to plan on being exposed now, so any venturing out is pretty high-risk.
      2 is…tricky. I’d talk to your job to see if you could get it faster than a week.
      3 is actually the simplest, I believe. Some banks allow you to deposit checks through their apps (and many banks do have apps, although not necessarily small local banks).
      4 is pretty gray-area. If you can have a neighbor or a friend get it for you and deposit it by your door, that might be the safest solution.

      This is awful, and I’m really sorry!

    9. PollyQ*

      3. Many banks have apps that let you deposit a check via a photograph. I’ve done that repeatedly with Bank of America, and it works just fine. You should also be able to use an ATM for a deposit.

    10. In an elephunk*

      My plan will be to have us all wear out masks and do curbside grocery pickup from Wal-Mart. The delivery options around here are few and far between. I am going to see if my employer will do a curbside style and place my check under my windshield wipers and then once they are safely away, I will get out and retrieve. I can deposit check from mobile app.

      Things I’m still unsure of would be depositing cash for upcoming bills. My check goes mostly to rent. I should have mentioned that we have a key for our mail. The I only other person that has one is mailman. I do have the delivery to my email so I guess wait until I would assume it’s full?

    11. WG*

      In addition to depositing your check through the bank’s ATM, you might also be able to use the bank’s night depository. You could call the bank to check if it’s possible and if there is any difference in funds availability between the ATM and night depository.

    12. On-Line Learner*

      Call the local Health Department that has jurisdiction for the area you live in, if they don’t call you first. I am currently taking the Johns Hopkins/Coursera on-line course for Covid-19 contact tracing. Step #4 of The 6 Basic Steps of Case Investigation and Contact Tracing is to “Provide Instructions and Support for Isolation.” Note the word “Support” in this lesson title. It is the Health Department’s job keep transmission as low as possible, and one of the biggest ways they do this is to help you stay at home in order to keep you, your loved ones, and your community safe. They should be familiar with the available resources/services in your area, and have the ability to connect you with these and to make other suggestions. What grocery stores in your area will deliver, and perhaps waive a deliver charge or give you a coveted delivery slot if you are a quarantined customer? Would a letter to the rental company from a Health official have any weight? These people have been trained to help you brainstorm solutions to your particular problems. Please also realize, this is NOT CHARITY. This is a public service supported by your tax dollars, that you are fully entitled to.

    13. Observer*

      1. You say it was your weekend to do shopping. Does that mean you were taking turns with someone else? In which case, see if you can switch. If you mean that you were not shopping every week, can you get delivery?

      2 & 3. Does your bank have a smartphone app? If they do, you can probably deposit it from your phone, which is easier and faster than depositing a physical check, even at an ATM. But, yes, you can deposit cash and checks at an ATM. Also, can your company really evict you for being a week late on your rent?

      4. Wear a mask and gloves and don’t hang around.

  50. Misty*

    Advice for moving halfway across the country?

    It looks like in January I will be moving 1,500+ miles away (I think my math is correct) to another state.

    What sorts of things do I need to think through before I go that far? For example, my health insurance seems to not cover out of state care so I’m thinking I would need a new health insurance. They don’t have any banks in that area that is in my current area. What are others things like this that I’m missing?

    Suggestions and advice greatly appreciated – especially those who have moved before! What do you wish you had known before you moved?

    1. Qwerty*

      Notify your credit card company of the move in advance, just like you would if you were travelling. Then update your billing information as soon as you move. Otherwise your first big grocery store purchase might get awkward.

      Look up the differences in renter laws in your new state. If you haven’t already found your new apartment, be aware that some areas tend to have leases all start/end during spring or summer, so you might only be able to a partial year lease. Or the lease is being advertised at a discounted rate because it is off-cycle but will go back to market rate upon renewal.

      Figure out the grocery stores in case your usual chain is not available there. Some chains are all owned by the same brand (ie. Kroger and QFC) so that allows familiarity.

      Research your moving company thoroughly!! Make sure you learn about what their insurance policy is before you book anyone – a lot of them play coy about that until the last minute when it is too late for you to change your plans.

      1. Misty*

        Oh I guess I should have mentioned I already have a place to stay, a place to go to school, and I’ll be moving everything there myself so no moving company (no furniture so just putting everything else in my truck) and driving there. If that’s relevant.

        That’s smart about the credit card company, thank you. Do you have to notify debit cards (like your bank) too if I haven’t changed banks right away? What’s the smartest way to change banks if the banks in that area aren’t the same banks in this area?

        1. Ranon*

          Honestly if your current bank has strong online banking (mobile deposits, etc) it’s probably not crucial to have a local bank right away- it’s not like most of us are using tons of cash right now if we can help it! My banking is almost entirely online, I have a local credit union account only for ATMs and if I need something notarized. And the ATM is mostly because they have one at my grocery store and I find figuring out what fees I will or won’t be charged annoying

          1. Misty*

            Okay, this is great to know because I currently do basically all my banking online too! If I need to get cash out, I usually just get some out when I’m at a store that has cash back.

            I googled ‘how to change banks’ and also googled ‘banks in ___ area’ but none of the banks in the area I’m moving to overlap with banks in my area. My roommate said I should just take out all my money and drive it across country but that seemed like the fastest way to lose all my money lol

            1. Ranon*

              It is marginally easier to close an account in person but you can totally do it remotely. You would just open a new account, electronically transfer your money from the old account to the new, and then notify the old bank that you want to close the account (which you can usually do through their online chat interface if you don’t want to call). They would close it and mail you a check for any funds remaining.

              That’s usually the cleaner way to change accounts anyways, having both open gives you time to move automatic deposits and payments and stuff.

              1. Misty*

                Awesome! Thank you so much for the information. I had tried to google it but couldn’t find a straight answer.

                I think I will go to my bank that I have in person and talk to them for their advice too before I move. That makes sense that it could be easier to have a period of time where you have both banks while you move your money to the new bank.

    2. Ranon*

      If you have a car, the most consistently annoying part of moving states for me has been getting the driver’s license/ car registration/ car inspection/ car insurance moved. Each state has different requirements in a different order and I’m sure Covid is making it more complicated. Generally the deadlines are pretty generous and the penalities for not meeting the deadlines are very light and barely if ever enforced, so it’s not something to worry about getting perfect but it is a big pile of logistics.

      1. Misty*

        Yes I own a truck. That makes sense.

        Basically the only things I’m taking with me is my truck, clothes and small items (like laptop, alarm clock, etc). I figured the big things I will have to change/register are health insurance, truck/license/car stuff, and bank. I guess I’ll also have to find a doctor down there too but that seems like something I don’t have to worry about right away.

      2. CTT*

        Seconding this! I luckily moved from somewhere with more inspection requirements to somewhere with less, but I panicked when I realized I hadn’t gotten a safety inspection. Then I frantically asked a co-worker who said “I have no idea what that is.”

      3. Stephanie*

        You said you’re moving in January. If you’re moving somewhere cold from somewhere warm, you may need to get a set of snow tires (and figure out somewhere to store them).

        1. Misty*

          This is true. I think it snows a lot there. Huh. Yeah we’re I’m currently at is kind of a beach town so I didn’t even think of that.

          I’m going to google snow tires. Do you keep snow tires on your car just during the winter? Or does everyone who live in snowy areas use snow tires all year round? I’ve never even thought about that or the snow.

          1. Stephanie*

            You switch them out. I live in an apartment, so I store mine at a local shop for a small fee. I took mine off in April (although we got snow in May sigh). They’re really designed for better grip in ice and snow and won’t be great when it’s warm. Some would argue you can get away with all-seasons year round. I did this last year (I live in Michigan, albeit the least snowy part of the state). Mostly worked, but I had class this year that I knew would rarely be cancelled for inclement weather.

            1. BlackBelt Jones*

              Also, snow tires are designed to be used under a certain temperature. I have foolishly driven on mine year-round and ruined them – they wore out quickly . I won’t be making that mistake again.
              I live in Michigan, also.

              1. Christmas Carol*

                And when you are using your snow tires, you have to store the regular tires that you just took off. I girlfriend of mine used to keep hers in her living room. She stacked the four of them up, had a plywood circle cut the diameter of a tire plus a few inches to put on top, added a large circular tablecloth that reached to the floor, and stuck a lamp on her new stylish circular table.

          2. PollyQ*

            When I lived in MA, I had all-weather tires that I kept on my car year-round, and they worked fine. But your new home may be snowier than MA, so you may want to ask around.

        2. Stephanie*

          Another thing – now might be a good time to get winter clothes (if needed). Winter clothes are on heavy sale now. If you’re moving somewhere with longer winters (like the Upper Midwest) than you’re used to, decent winter clothes will cost more than you think.

          1. Ranon*

            Poshmark is a great place to find good winter gear, especially off season- the number of people who went on a ski vacation once and then have a fancy coat in their closet they’ve never used again is pretty high!

          2. Misty*

            Oh wow, yeah I didn’t think about the snow at all. Or snow clothes.

            I actually am going to the upper midwest lol. I guess I should start researching snow stuff. I don’t even own a winter coat. What kinds of snow clothes do people who live up there wear? Just a coat, gloves and hat? Or is snow in real life way more intense than that?

            1. Jackalope*

              I personally like another layer on bottom as well; my personal favorite is rain pants since they can be pulled over another layer and keep out the wind and (to a lesser extent) water, but they’re not tons of extra heat. Long underwear can help, fleece lined pants you can pull over regular pants, etc. Warm socks and boots you can wear in the snow (doesn’t have to be snow boots, but something better than sneakers).

              As far as your neck, I personally like a fleece neck gaiter, but a lot of people like scarves since you can also wrap them around your head if you want. I personally hate having my ears be cold, so I’ll get a hat with ear flaps (stocking caps don’t work for me since they tend to leave your ears out in the cold unless you pull the front of the cap down over your eyes!) or a fleece headband that I can pull over my ears, something like that. You’ll probably want a couple of coats as well, from mild winter to super cold.

            2. Stephanie*

              Depends where you’re moving to and if you get Lake Effect Snow (we don’t where I live) in terms of how snowy it’ll be.

              Heavy coat (I wear a down coat), obviously. I usually make sure the coat is knee length. Metro Detroit will get wintry mix when it’s just above freezing, so I found getting a waterproof coat helped on those days where it’s 36 and rain snowing (or if there’s wet snow). Windproof is also needed. The manufacturer should have a description of what temperature the coat is rated for.

              Good gloves and hat, for sure. The big thing I found I needed up here were winter boots and good socks. I usually use winter hiking boots that are waterproof and insulated for trudging through slush. I have thermals, but only really use them for when it’s super cold out.

              1. Misty*

                I don’t think they have lakes. This convo has made me realize I don’t know anything about snow or weather in other areas.

                Wow, winter clothes sounds like a whole thing. I’m going to have to do some research! Thanks for all the tips (and for bringing it up.)

                1. Christmas Carol*

                  uh, If by the upper midwest you mean what we think of as BIG Ten Country, Minnesota (aka the land of ten thousand lakes) and points east, well………..you better get a bigger boat

    3. I don't mean to be rude - I'm just good at it*

      start making a list of what you get in the mail. Many times you will only get mailings a couple times during the year and you will not realize that they are still going to your old address. I know USPS is old school, until it isn’t.

      1. Reba*

        Setting up mail forwarding (assuming US) is easy, and can be done online! It’s good for six months. (So yeah, you will still miss things that come infrequently.)

        Related, make time to change any online stores where you have a saved shipping address. I’m sure I’ve sent packages to my old address at least once every time I’ve moved.

        1. Misty*

          Smart about the online address thing! I guess I’d also need to change my address a few places like the bank too?

          My current roommates will still be living in their house that I currently live in next year so I’m not too worried about the mail. I plan on setting up mail forwarding and then if I get anything that’s not junk mail after the 6 months, they can just mail it to me. (I’m writing a list from this thread/my thoughts of things I need to do to prepare)

          Thanks so much for the advice!

          1. Reba*

            Oh, yeah, changing it at the bank is key because you will need Proof of Address for things like a new ID, or anything government related, and a bank statement works even as a pdf!

    4. Jess*

      If you are on any prescription medications, make sure you have a plan for not running out and getting them filled in the new state, look up any regulations especially if you happen to have anything that’s controlled. I had a huge hassle moving across the country and trying to get my meds filled due to the very restrictive laws in my new state.

      1. Misty*

        Whoa this is smart. I never would have thought of this. I’m not on any medications but I’ll have to think if anything else like this could happen.

        It seems interesting that different states can have such drastically different rules when it comes to things like insurance, cars, and medications. Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

    5. Stephanie*

      Greetings! I’ve done four cross country moves as an adult (and multiple as a kid).

      Big thing is getting the car there. I’ve both shipped a car and driven it. It’s probably a wash in terms of cost (driving it yourself, you have gas, tolls, hotel lodging, mileage depreciation vs. shipping costs). If you’re driving, I wouldn’t do more than 8 hours a day, maybe even less if you’re driving through somewhere mountainous. I would try to book your hotels in advance and ensure they have flexible refund policies in case you’re just too tired to make it all the way to Kansas City and need to stop in St. Louis for the night.

      If your schedule allows it, I would plan some sightseeing. Driving through the middle of the US can get pretty monotonous, so being to stop at some roadside attraction of park can help break up the tedium.

      If you’re shipping, make sure you agree to what damage already exists on the car (like dings, rim road rash, etc), where the car will be dropped off, and how the driver will be paid. When I moved from Phoenix to Pittsburgh, the driver beat me and my parents there (he just drove all 32 hours straight while we did it over four days) and it was a mess getting the car. He demanded we wire him money for the balance and he left the car with a buddy in NJ, who drove it to Pittsburgh three days later after I arrived. I was at the point of “Um, well it’s insured if he runs off it with it.”

      If you need new health insurance, I would look into that state’s requirements and when you would be eligible. You’ll need proof of insurance in the new state before you can register your car, so you want to set that up before you head to the DMV.

      If you’re renting, I would get a feel for what the vacancy rates look like. Are there rental waiting lists? Or can you move in somewhere quickly? Are you going to be near a college campus where demand follows the school year?

      1. Misty*

        I’m driving my truck and everything I own (not much) with me. I already have the renting figured out because that’s actually the reason I’m moving down there (housing costs/costs of living is cheaper there and I know people in the area). It’s a 24 hour drive so I was planning on driving ten hours one day, ten hours the 2nd day, and 4 hours the last day. This seems feasible because I once drove to FL (a different state that is also 24 hours from where I live but in a different direction) and I drove 12 hours the first day and 12 hours the 2nd day.

        Yes that’s good advice, I’ve started looking into the new state’s health insurance. It’s kind of confusing online but I figure with this much of a head start I can figure it out by Jan for sure.

        Thank you for the advice, much appreciated!

        1. Stephanie*

          In terms of breaking it up, it may also be good to look at where you can spend the night versus driving time. I would do a shorter day one day, if it means you can spend the night in a larger area with more lodging and food options.

          1. Misty*

            Smart, I’ll have to look at that. You’re right, when I was trying to make it to FL I was trying to make it there as fast as possible where as this time it wouldn’t matter as much.

            Thanks for the advice about the driving (and the tires!) I really appreciate it

            1. Jackalope*

              I would second taking a bit of time to sightsee. You might not get a chance to visit the places you’re going through again for a long time, and visiting something interesting in the area can make the day a lot nicer. Even adding just one extra day can make a road trip a lot more survivable.

              1. Misty*

                Makes sense. I guess I didn’t really think about sightseeing being an option because I’m going by myself, so I was thinking about it more in a ‘get the job done’ kind of way. But you’re right, it’d prob be more fun if I don’t just try to drive the entire drive in as little amount of time as possible!

        2. Imtheone*

          I thought you said you were moving for school. If so, the school probably offers health insurance for its students (and likely requires it).

          1. Stephanie*

            Yeah, more than likely it will. Or you have to prove you have insurance that meets your requirements. I found my grad school’s plan to be much better than my employer’s actually (it did cost more).

          2. Misty*

            I’m not moving for school but I have found a school down there, so that’s a great suggestion, I didn’t even think of getting health insurance thru school.

            The reason I’ve decided to move is because my current area is high cost of living (beach/tourist town). I currently have 6 roommates and one of my roommates and I looked for places around here and realized we can’t afford to live here any longer.

        3. Miki*

          I would make a plan that can accommodate fewer hours or slower driving when you’re driving through the areas that actually get winter weather. If you’ve never driven in snowy or icy conditions, you will want to be very careful and probably avoid driving at night. Watch some videos on how to drive in those conditions so you know what’s different – your car will brake more slowly so you need a longer stopping distance, sudden braking and sudden turning can cause you to skid, etc. Note that the days will also be much shorter at that time of year the further north you go.

    6. Ronda*

      I recently move across country.

      1. the car. look on new states website for info on license and registration. my new state’s site laid out exactly what was needed and in what order to do them. you need documents proving identity and residence, so make sure you have hard copy of documents for them to look at. ( I think renters insurance was the one that I used) My new state also required that my car was approved for california emmissions standard at time of manufacturing…. my old state did not, the required sticker was missing, had to order replacement sticker from the dealership. If it was not approved, you simply could not have the car, no way to fix it.

      2. healthcare.gov Obomacare site will have your new state plans or if the state has a separate site direct you there. Open enrollment is in the 4th Quarter of the year for the new year. That was very easy to sign up for and depending on your income, your premiums can be subsidised. Since you are moving in January you may be able to use the Open enrollment…. They have insurance guides that you can contact if it is not clear if you can.
      I had to use it mid year without open enrollment….. they required extra documentation which included info on insurance I had earlier in the year (former employer sent this as part of my termination documents), proof of old residence and proof of new residence (used renter insurance policies for this one)
      Keep old insurance in place until new one set up…. if you need care on travels, they should still be responsible to some extent. (out of network stuff, emergency stuff)

      3. register to vote :)

      4. I would base my new bank on convience of atm….. but that is just me

      1. Misty*

        Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it )and how easy it is to follow in list form!)

    7. Stephanie*

      If you’re moving for school and will be at least a half-time student, I don’t think you have to reregister your car. It varies state by state, but all I’ve lived in don’t require students to change their registration. I know some avoid it in Michigan, because we have crazy car insurance rates.

      1. Misty*

        I’ll be a full time student. But I’m moving down there full time, not just for school (idk if that makes sense). Basically I live in a really high cost living area right now. Where I live is where I grew up but I don’t have family or anything keeping me here anymore. I realized I just need to move somewhere more affordable and just different if that makes sense.

        So I’ll look into it but I think since I’m planning on moving there full time, I think I have to register my car. I’m not coming back to the state where I’m moving from (if that makes sense). Good thing I’m not moving to Michigan I guess lol.

        It’s odd how many states have different rates/insurances/things, huh? I never thought about that before.

    8. Misty*

      I feel like I should put a little more context for my move in case that matters advice wise.

      Currently I have 6 roommates, and the cost of living is high in my area. I go to a college an hour away but I was considering transferring after this past semester’s experience. One roommate and I are trying to move out so we looked at a bunch of apartments in our current state. We realized that we can’t really afford to live here without more roommates.

      One of my other roommates found an apartment in another state that’s much cheaper. Another one of my roommates is trying to move out too. Once the two roommates move out, there would be 5 of us but one of the guys left is someone I really don’t want to live with which I learned because of the pandemic. Basically all my roommates except for two are trying to move out so once they did/do I wouldn’t be able to afford rent anyways in my area unless I got a bunch more roommates. There’s no family or anything holding me here anymore.

      I decided to expand my search to other states. I got in touch with someone who lives in the state I’m going to and they’ve been a huge help. I decided to move to their town based on two things: that I would know people there, and there is a really good state school right next to my new place. It also helps that the rent is super cheap in that area.

      Because I moved into a fully furnished house that I currently live in with everyone, I don’t own anything besides clothes and small items. That’s why I’m able to move everything by driving my stuff down. I’ve never lived in the snow before (there’s light snow on occassion in my current area) and I don’t have any winter clothes. I also don’t have any furniture which could be a problem I guess.

      So while I’m going to go to school in my new state, I’m not specifically moving to my new state for school, and I don’t plan on coming back to my old state. If I failed in establishing myself in my new state, my next move would be to FL because that’s where my aunt lives.

    9. Star Nursery*

      Good luck with your move! Here are ideas to consider:
      1) Agree with the other suggestion to start buying winter clothes now while those items may be on clearance: long underwear (Cuddleduds) one or two sets, scarves in various colors, several pairs of mittens (wool is warm), gloves at various levels of thickness (for cool and cold weather needs vary; also if you shovel snow or make snowmen or somehow get one pair wet you need a backup for the next time you go outside that’s dry); Sweaters and sweatshirts, turtleneck or long sleeve shirts layer under sweatshirt, Earmuffs or hat that covers ears. Ice skaper for your truck windows, google winterizing a truck for additional items to keep in mind. Some things you’ll figure out once you are there.
      2) If your current bank has mobile banking; use electronic deposits phone app, online banking, getting cash at a grocery store, then finding a new local bank isn’t as necessary.
      3) Maybe ask a friend to drive with you cross country to join on the road trip adventure, and then fly home?
      4) Check if your cell phone service has coverage in the new city.

    10. Natalie*

      One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is winter driving. If you don’t have any experience driving on snow and/or ice, it might be a rude awakening when you show up in January. Especially with a truck – for example, most people weight down the bed to avoid fishtailing all winter long.

      No offense to your future roommate but I wouldn’t just rely on them for tips. I live in Minnesota and I know lifelong residents who can’t winter drive for shit. AAA seems to have a lot of articles with tips.

    11. KR*

      Hi there –

      When I moved, I had a moving company take my furniture & boxes, then loaded up my sedan with my pets and some things I didn’t trust the moving company with and drove. It was expensive. If you do this route, consider paying extra for the moving company to take everything off the pallet for you & carry away the trash. They delivered our things in huge shipping crates and we had to find a way to dump all the wood & packing material.

      Once mistake I made was that I didn’t practice pack my car ahead of time, so I had to mail a lot of things and get rid of things that wouldn’t fit in my car. There were also a lot of small random doodads I forgot to pack that, all together, took up a lot of space in my car. So long story short, pack your car ahead of time so you can see how everything fits together & make adjustments.

      If you have pets, line your back seat with puppy pads and blankets. That way if there’s a mess you can change out the puppy pads. Disposable litter boxes are great for kitties because you can just throw them out once they’re used.

      Look up if you need any “official copies” of anything before you leave the area – copies of a birth certificate, a gym that wants you to cancel in person, so on. Change the mailing address for any auto loans you may have through local banks. If you have animals, get copies of their vet records.

      That’s all I can think of. Good luck, be safe. Moved from Northeast to Southwest a few years ago.

    12. Wandering*

      A few thoughts:

      Winter driving in snow country can be dicey, impossible, just fine & everything in between. Leave room in your moving plans for travel delays (& expenses, eg hotel rooms). If you can get snow tires before you move, do.

      Winter gear. Most people moving to a much colder climate will be very cold the first few winters as their bodies adjust. You want warm gear, from clothing to coats & boots to bedding. Heat is expensive, so a lot of people & offices keep temps lower.
      If you’re moving in January you need to bring gear with you. Plan on getting more as you figure out your specific needs. Long coats keep you warmer than jackets. Multiple pairs of mittens/gloves so you have dry ones after shoveling/playing outside. Scarves, hats. You want wool, silk, down, high tech. Cotton or poly blends won’t cut it. Second hand stores can be great for coats. You’ll know more about what you want & need by the end of your first winter & can build up your supplies at end of season sales. Good gear is expensive.

      Banking. I had a great bank, & because most banking can be done online I kept them after moving out of state.

      School. Have you looked into residency requirements for in-state tuition? Gotten info about transferring credits, & how much time you have?

      Congrats on taking more steps toward the life you want!

  51. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Following up on the music-stuck-in-head thread from last week: How is everyone doing with their earworms? Not so good on my end, I’m afraid.

    This week, General Hospital has started replaying old Nurses Ball episodes. And every Nurses Ball starts with a dramatic song with a refrain that goes: “Welcome to the Nurses Ball/We nurses got it all.”

    Only I have it stuck in my head as “Welcome to the Nurses Ball/You will need alcohol.” And those two lines are repeating over and over in my head. Aaagh!

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Everybody is different, I think. For me, “completing the song” only makes the problem worse. Then I either get different parts of the song, or the entire song, in my head. And this song is really terrible, so it totally backfired.

        But thank you!

    2. StellaBella*

      This made me LOL and want to look this up.

      My earworm when I woke up yesterday was, “it’s raining men, halleluyah” but I sang it to my cat as “it’s raining kitties, halleluyah”. She was annoyed at the singing.

      For a full week before I had the Teletubbies tunes in my head.

    3. Wehaf*

      Doing math seems to use some of the same mental circuits involved in earworms; you could try doing a bunch of long division problems and see if that helps.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      I play another song to get the first one out of my head. At least it’s a change of pace! Try music with no lyrics.
      Good Luck

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I hate that! I sometimes wake up with something random stuck in my head. Right now, I have Avengers music in there, but that’s because I was just listening to it on my soundtrack station.

    6. Queer Earthling*

      I basically always have an earworm? If my mental radio is annoying me, I try really hard to get a different song stuck in my head, but I can’t remember a time that I didn’t have something playing in the background.

      1. allathian*

        That’s interesting! I have a nearly continuous internal monolog going on, but I don’t get earworms all that often. Because of that monolog, I have a really hard time remembering what I hear, and I strongly dislike presentantions and video learning for that reason. Just give me the script to read instead and I’ll be done in half the time, because I’m a very fast reader and I can still remember most of what I read even if I just skim through it. Usually what I read will override my internal monolog, but not what I hear.

      2. Lcsa99*

        I can’t say it’s constant, but my internal DJ is also very active and loves to jump on random words people say to put a song in my head. She can be a real jerk sometimes.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      The full house theme song is out fo my head now thank goodness since I finished the series. I’m watching Fuller house but thankfully Netflix has the “skip intro” feature.

      Current earworm is Shawn Mendes’ “Falling into you” and Taylor swift’s “lover” (both hers and the remix with shawn).

  52. Kate*

    Father’s Day:

    My ex and I have been split for almost a year. We have shared custody of our 5 year old and generally a very good and cordial relationship.

    Do I “help” my five year old get/make her dad a Father‘s Day gift, or is that no longer my job to concern myself with?

    Part of me thinks it’s a nice thing to do, and the grown up thing to do, but part of me is afraid of falling back into the emotional labour trap that dogged me throughout our 10 year marriage. He didn’t do anything to prompt Mother’s Day from her, but that’s may not be a fair comparison since she is stuck with me for the duration of the pandemic.

    Thoughts?

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      I think the object in helping her make a gift is to teach her about your culture around gifts and thoughtfulness, rather than about doing emotional labor or something for your ex. Since you’re cordial with your ex, you could talk about what you want your daughter to do for all special occasions at this age and what role you parents are to play. It means you’ll have to accept that this may forever be one-sided. And I think you can do this fairly hands off. It’s the difference between saying “hug Grandma goodbye” and “say goodbye to Grandma.” With the second option you’re just prompting the manners and letting your child choose how to accomplish it. Someday you’ll be able to hand her a bill and drive her to a store and let her choose the gift. Right now you can put art supplies in front of her and say “make something for Daddy for Father’s Day” and then help her mail it.

    2. Disco Janet*

      For the sake of your daughter, her relationship with her father, and doing your best with the coparenting relationship, I would help her with this. Even if it’s just a homemade card, it would be a nice gesture.

    3. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      Look at it from the eyes of your child feeling good about doing something nice. If that means they draw a card and you help them write their name or “Happy Father’s Day”, maybe that’s the activity that brings the child some joy and doesn’t tax you emotionally. I don’t think there needs to be an ‘all out gift making/buying’ thing if that’s going to be too much for you to handle, but if some type of card making activity works, do that and enjoy the process through your child’s eyes.

    4. Fellow Traveler*

      maybe mention to your child that Father’s Day is coming up and ask if she wants to do anything for her father? Are there other Father figures in your lives that you would be celebrating anyway? Then you can think of it as helping child with a project rather than something for your ex. Would it help to frame it as what kind of person do you want your child to see you as vs. what kind of person you feel your ex is? I.e. Make the decision about yourself and your kid, not your ex. On the other hand if you really don’t think Father’s Day is important to where you are in life, absolutely take it off your list of things to think about!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I like this a lot. Some people around me have shown their kiddo here is what to do. If the kiddo changes their mind later or loses interest or whatever, the parent just lets it go. Show them what people are doing and at some point let them decide to keep it up.
        I am thinking of my friend who gave their teen-aged grandchild money to buy their father (friend’s son) a present. The money vanished and the present never materialized. Some things you only need to see once to know what the answer is.

    5. Another mom*

      My ex and I have been split for 3 years. I have had my children make or pick out a gift for their dad for every father’s day, birthday, and Christmas. He’s refuses most throughout the years, even if kids give it to him. I started putting it in his car while exchanging kids or on his birthday, one kid and I shoved it in his hands and i walked away ignoring him. Obviously our split was not amicable and our coparenting is not ideal. I have never received a gift since the split. At first it hurt a lot, but now I have come to accept it. I agree with Mimosa on discussing with him. It is not feasible in my situation but I have had a discussion with my kiddos on gifts for me. What I want them to do and even suggestions. It’s made the whole scenario easier to swallow.

    6. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I think you could go either way. My parents divorced before I turned one, but were relatively civil for my sake. She usually bought the gift part of father’s day/birthdays/Christmas until I was a teenager, and I made a card. My dad is super outdoorsy, so it was easy to get a new Carhartt shirt or something equally practical, and he basically did the same in return (candles, bath stuff, lotion, etc.). The gift part was never something that took much thought/labor, and the card making was really more of a fun thing for me than a chore they did for each other.

    7. Dan*

      No kids + single so take this for what it’s worth.

      My take has generally been that prior to a certain age (and I don’t think your kid is anywhere near that age yet) mother’s day/father’s day stuff has been about the other parent/spouse saying, in a sense, “Thank you for the wonderful child you brought into my life.” Because let’s be honest, when the kid is one year old, they can’t do anything on their own, so any charade of the one year old giving a gift to the other parent is just that, a charade.

      Then at some point, the holiday transitions to the kid having developed enough/having sufficient resources to “own” the holiday, and the other spouse/parent has a less of an influencing role.

      So in the context of this being your “job”, the emotional labor involved and old patterns you’re trying to break, I don’t think this situation falls into that category. This isn’t a task that ex would otherwise take up (do fathers in general facilitate the celebration of their own fathers day?), this is either you recognizing the child ex brought into your life, or you helping your kid who doesn’t have the resources to do this on their own yet.

      Side question: What are you planning on doing/have done for ex’s birthday vis a vis the kid? I’m not a birthday person in general, so I’d be inclined to skip it unless the kid brings it up, or the ex is hosting their own celebration that is appropriate for children to attend And if that’s the case, you may have to initiate the gift procuring process.

    8. Stephanie*

      I would help her. Like Dan said, at this young of an age, parents usually help kids make Mother’s or Father’s Day gifts. Just make sure you emphasize it’s a joint gift. This will also help your daughter have a good relationship with her father (assuming there is one).

    9. RagingADHD*

      Do you mean help as in “make sure a gift happens?” No.

      Help as in “prompt and assist as requested”? Yes.

      I’d ask her if she wants to make him something (because 5 yos can’t be expected to plan on their own) and then help if she wants.

      That’s not doing emotional labor for him, but for her – which she still needs a lot of at her age.

    10. Wishing You Well*

      A homemade card is worth considering. Her artwork and letters would get some real-world exercise.
      Worth a thought.

      1. allathian*

        In many families, the moms do all or most of the emotional labor when it comes to gift giving. After a divorce or breakup, the dad won’t necessarily think it’s important for the kid to do something for Mother’s day, but many moms still help with things for Father’s day.
        To be fair, gifts aren’t important to either of us. For my first Mother’s day when our son was almost a year old, my husband provided me with nearly a whole day of me-time. It was precious and I really needed it at the time. He and our son spent much of the day with my MIL. In the evening, all of us went to my parents.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I am well aware of the emotional labor aspect. However, you need to do for him what you would want him to do for you. If you DON’T help with Father’s Day, then that has consequences, and some of those are for your child. On the other hand, if you DO help a bit, and he doesn’t, then you have the moral high ground to request that he step up. If he chooses not to, then you back off on Father’s Day.

    12. Generic Name*

      Since you have a cordial relationship, it would be a nice gesture of goodwill to have your daughter do something for him. I might mentally frame it to yourself as this is something you are doing for your daughter and not to expect anything reciprocal from your ex.

    13. Observer*

      I think that the key issue is what your child needs in this relationship. You don’t need to even consider whether your ex gets a Father’s Day gift. However, do you think it would be beneficial to your child to develop the tradition of getting Daddy a gift? If so, help her with a gift. If it won’t make a positive difference to their relationship, then don’t bother.

  53. visiting family*

    If you were going to visit family this summer, what precautions would you take and/or ask your family members to take? Toying with a trip to see family (who all live 500+ miles from me, this chance doesn’t come around that often) but obviously there’s a lot to think about right now. Especially if you’ve travelled recently, it’d be helpful to hear what precautions you took, so I can think through the logistics of this.

    If helpful, some family members are elderly but none are, AFAIK, otherwise immunocompromised. None of us live in a hotspot.

    (Not interested in responses debating *whether* I should go, which is another decision altogether. Thinking through precautions will help me make that decision.)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ll be interested to read the responses since I’ll be going to visit my cousin in August. I’m supposed to go to a concert and then stay with her. It’s looking like the concert will be cancelled (no word from the bands yet), but I still want to visit her. I really need to get out of here and do something.

    2. Long Time Fed*

      I’ve decided to go about my life as normally as possible, just wearing a face mask and washing my hands a lot more than usual. I think you should all agree to wear masks around each other and distance yourself from the elderly folks.
      I am an in a hotspot-ish area, and this seems to be what most people have chosen to do.

    3. WellRed*

      I will most likely trek to see my mom in August, as per usual, but will drive instead of taking the bus (which includes a transfer and hanging out at busy South Station in Boston).

    4. Joanna*

      I’d require: everyone agrees to maintain social distancing consistently at all times, and agrees on what that means. No sharing accommodation with people from another household. Spending time outdoors together, not indoors. No shared meals – nothin that requires sharing equipment, utensils etc. No touching the same surfaces. Frequent, thorough hand washing and everyone wears masks consistently and correctly. I’d make sure I knew what the protocol for getting tested and getting medical help is at this location in the case of anyone developing symptoms, and ensure there is enough space in the accommodation for people with symptoms to isolate safely. I’d consider whether I’d be able to get home safely (without being in any contact with anyone) in the event that anyone in the group develops symptoms.

      And I’d pay close attention to how everyone who would or could potentially be there has handled things so far. Have they complied with the lockdown? Have they followed the social distancing requirements? Have they said or posted online anything indicating they aren’t taking it seriously? Are they happy to discuss how to keep everyone safe on this visit? Any sign of noncompliance would be an immediate red flag.

    5. ThatGirl*

      My mom lives 2.5 hrs from me, she’s 70 and a cancer survivor, her husband has diabetes and lousy lungs. So my thought right now is that if I go visit, I‘ll stay in a hotel and mostly be outside with her. As long as the weather cooperates, of course. I live in suburban Chicago, not quite a hotspot but I’d hate to bring anything with me.

    6. Aza*

      Planning to go on vacation with family. I have a young child who will be enrolled in daycare when that reopens. I’m planning to go on the vacation before the reopening (or work from home for 2 weeks prior) as not to expose the elders in the group to the cesspool that is invariably daycare germs.

    7. Laura H.*

      Consider what precautions to take while en route, in addition to on arrival-it’s not something I would think about innately beforehand.

    8. New Bee*

      I’m in a hot-ish spot, and depending on availability (which we have in my area), I’d ask everyone to commit to getting tested before the trip to get the results and isolate before leaving.

    9. Elf*

      Part of this depends on your stamina for driving and other life circumstances. I recently left a higher risk area for a lower risk one to stay with my parents (with the intent of staying until the end of summer). There was no way to quarantine from them after we arrived.

      Precautions I took: I did a full quarantine for two weeks before I left (bought all groceries, put gas in the car, etc.) and did not stop on the road. I knew I would not need gas, and the plan if someone needed a bathroom stop (I have little kids) was to stop on the side of the highway.

      I think it would be pretty minimal risk if you took similar precautions. Quarantine for 2 weeks prior, at 500 miles you probably can’t do no stops, but you can bring your food, stop only for gas and only touch the gas pump through a disinfecting wipe, pee on the side of the road instead of a public bathroom. Then quarantine for 2 weeks again after returning home.

      1. self employed*

        Respectfully, I don’t think “pee on the side of the road” is a solution here. It seems dangerous and, in some areas, illegal. I’d like to hear from others who have solved the kids’ bathroom issues in a safer way.

        1. Elf*

          Um, pee on the side of the road is totally safe (as long as you pull fully out of traffic) and something that I have done many times in my life. I think many/most parents have had the experience of being on a long road trip, asking the kids a bunch of times before passing the rest stop if they have to go and being told no, and then being informed that they desperately have to pee five minutes later when there’s nowhere to stop for many miles.

          I will caveat that I am white and while I would hope that a small child and their parents would not be hassled I am not naive enough to think that’s at all guaranteed for nonwhite people.

          I am not recommending that people pee by the side of the road in the middle of cities/residential areas, but the majority of driving on road trips of hundreds of miles is on interstate highways on which it would be fine.

    10. Aealias*

      Leaving today to visit my parents two days drive away. (Dad is dying, it’s the grandkids only chance to see him.)
      Our precautions include:
      – staying in hotels rather than with friends, thus limiting exposures. We would camp, but campgrounds are closed to our-of-province campers.
      – driving instead of flying. Less breathing other peoples’ recycled air.
      – doggy poop-bags to handle pay-at-the-pump fueling (and then we can pick up the poop with the same bag!)
      – full isolation when we get there – no contact beyond the household we’re visiting. No grocery trips into town. Similar 2-week isolation when we get home. The freezer is full of food, we will contrive.
      None of it is perfect, but needs must.

  54. Jonah*

    Does anyone have experience with dog nosebleeds? I have a 14 year old chow mix who got a gushing nosebleed from one nostril earlier this week. I rushed her to the vet, and they kept her overnight. Said they didn’t find anything, but they didn’t do any scans because it’s the first time it’s happened. They gave her an injection for clotting and prescriptions for 10 days each of vitamin k, prednisone, and doxycycline.

    She got another one last night. It wasn’t as bad as the first one, but still scary. It finally stopped on its own, as she wasn’t amenable to me holding an ice pack on top of her snout like the vet said. I know there are a lot of serious things that could cause this, so I’m going to take her back to the vet as soon as I can get her in. But I’m looking for advice on handling the nosebleeds in the moment.

    1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Ouf, that sounds scary! I don’t have any personal experience, but I’m surprised they didn’t do an xray or anything. I’m not sure there’s much to do in the moment, but I’d definitely insist on films next time. It could just be a migrating foxtail, but twice is obviously not a fluke and you need to know!

      As long as it’s clotting okay, I’d probably just make sure her head is leaned forward so she isn’t swallowing too much blood, and try to keep her calm. An ice pack won’t help much of it makes her uncomfortable and she’s fighting against it.

    2. A*

      Disclaimer: I’m not a veterinarian yet, but I am in veterinary school. I’m so sorry this is happening to your dog! I do think a further workup would be a good idea if you can swing it. While an issue with coagulation can absolutely cause nosebleeds, there are many other things that can too. With a dog of that age, sadly cancer does need to be on the list of things to consider. A nasal tumor can bleed like that, and imaging or scoping the nose could help answer that question. While x-rays of the skull are probably not going to be as sensitive as something more advanced like a CT, they may be able to show any increase in soft tissue in the nasal cavity, or any bony lysis if it’s an aggressive tumor. Other things that would be good to check for would be a foreign body (which scoping might identify) and/or infection. I hope it’s nothing too serious and your dog is feeling better soon.

  55. Kate B*

    All right, I feel like this is a basic life skill that I’m sadly deficient in, but I’m struggling with how to deal with a guy who’s creeping me out on Meetup. Ignore him? Reject him directly? Which one is riskier?

    We’re in a shared interest group, not a singles group, and we talked very briefly about books at a meetup last year. Last week he sent me a long, rambling paragraph mentioning seeing each other when meetups resume. I gave him the benefit of the doubt — we’re all going a little crazy during quarantine, right — and sent what I thought was a brush-off after a couple of days had passed. A very short response, without any questions to him, polite (probably too polite) but dismissing the possibility that we’d be seeing each other anytime soon, the situation being what it is.

    Well, that just encouraged him. Now he’s invited me to connect on Facebook and join him for game night. I’m not going to do either of those things, but I don’t know whether I should respond (how do you politely say “I’m not going to friend you on Facebook”?) or ignore him. There’s a chance he’s just an awkward but decent guy, we’re both adults, and he hasn’t said anything that I’d report to the Meetup mods. But I’m not interested, and it makes me really uncomfortable that he’s ignored what I thought were my social cues.

    1. nep*

      I think there’s a decent chance he didn’t pick up on the cues. (He might well have taken it as exceptional because of quarantine, but not forever.)
      My call would be to ignore first and see whether that does it. If he persists, then you’ve got to be firmer and make no clear.
      (When you say ‘riskier,’ how do you mean?)

      1. Kate B*

        Thanks. By “riskier,” I guess I meant “more likely to get him pissed off at me and/or hating himself.”

          1. nep*

            (I don’t mean if he becomes threatening–that’s another dimension and of course you’d have to do something to keep yourself safe.)

    2. Misty*

      Ignore or block.

      Based on my personal experiences (so take this with a grain of salt) any time I tried to explain to someone why I wasn’t interested in dating them/becoming better friends with them, that just gave them a chance to become more creepy or rage-y. This is just based on my personal experience but I don’t see what you would gain from explaining that you’re not going to be friends with him on FB. Don’t engage with him if he’s being creepy. You don’t owe him anything. Sounds like responding would be more encouraging to him.

    3. Millicent*

      I would say ignore him. If he persists…I think you actually can bring it up to the organizers of the meetup where he met you. This happened to me, when I joined a non-singles meetup meant for shared interests and some guy followed up with my individually and just gave me a creepy vibe. Like you, I felt like I couldn’t really complain about him as he didn’t technically do anything wrong, but in my case one of the organizers was a woman whom I didn’t know well but I liked. So I sent her an email asking if she had suggestions on how to handle this as I was not looking for a date and felt uncomfortable with him. She was great and reassured me that I could let her know if things got worse and that they actually had this problem in the past with another man. In any case, it just made me feel better because it meant there was another person (and someone I trusted) paying attention to any in-person interactions I had and was ready to step in if necessary. (Pre-covid, of course.)

      So even though you said you didn’t have anything to bring to the mods, I want to encourage you to consider it, if there is one you feel comfortable with.

    4. Alex*

      It’s totally fine to ignore him. I’m not sure your social cues were *super* direct–not that you did anything wrong, but it is sometimes hard to convey social cues over email messages and he may have just misread or didn’t pick up on them, in an honest way.

      But you still don’t owe him an explanation of why you don’t want to friend him on facebook! Your not friending him is a very direct cue, but not a mean one. If he continues to send messages to you even after you’ve obviously stopped engaging (like a “HEY WHY DIDN’T YOU ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST” or some such thing), then it would be time to send a “Sorry, I’m not interested in being friends” message.

    5. lazy intellectual*

      Ignore ignore ignore. And block.

      Me and my friends have all had experiences with creepy guys on MeetUp, and as a result stopped using it altogether. We were all participating in non-dating related activities and kept getting persistently hit on by dudes we were not interested in. Unfortunately, MeetUp is yet another playground for predatory guys looking for access to women.

      In my experience, the type of guy to break the social contract (like by sending a random woman a paragraph-long e-mail) is not going to get any other social cues. You don’t have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

    6. Stephanie*

      I would definitely ignore. I usually prefer to be direct, but this sounds like the type of guy who would view any engagement as positive and for a chance to win you over.

    7. Dan*

      When I read this and look at all of the responses…

      lazy intellectual is probably right when she says that anybody who sends an uninvited “long rambling paragraph” likely doesn’t have all that much in the social IQ department. So subtle isn’t going to work.

      But… if his long rambling paragraph wasn’t offensive or objectionable, then I wouldn’t “report” him either. That’s a bit harsh. What I *would* do is ignore the latest two overtures (it’s not clear if they came at once or spaced out). If he continues after that, say something directly. If *that* doesn’t work, *then* escalate to the organizers. BTW, don’t give him an explanation, there’s no reason for it.

    8. PollyQ*

      Ignore/block. In the first place, it’s not your job to educate him on how to behave socially, and in the second, people like that are much more likely to respond with defensiveness or anger when called on their behavior.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Ignore.

      If he issues another polite invitation to something normal like game night, or asks directly about Facebook, just say “no thanks.” Probably don’t reply to anything beyond that.

      If he says or does anything creepy, intrusive, or demanding, block him and tell the organizers.

    10. BambooLeaves*

      I would just ignore the FB invite and stop responding to e-mails. Anytime I’ve been minimally polite to dudes that I didn’t want to interact with it’s always backfired (they took the politeness as interest and ramped things up to creepy or harassing levels). You don’t own him any explanation, and there’s a good chance he would react badly to one anyway.

      If you see him at a meetup and he asks, you could just say you didn’t accept the friend request because you only use FaceBook for family and close friends, and you’re not interested in joining any gaming groups.

    11. A Teacher*

      Are you friendly with other women in the group? Tell them, just as a heads up. Ask them what they think you should do. Maybe he’s done this before, and it is useful to establish a pattern if so. He might be an innocent awkward person, but you certainly don’t owe this guy your silence, either. He could very well be doing this to lots of women, in which case it’s much more clear cut.

      Remember, he’s the one who creeped YOU out.

  56. Tomato Frog*

    I need tips on how to protect my grape vine. I am accepting advice from both gardeners and small animal psychologists.

    I have a grape vine and someone is chewing through it. Not eating it, not nibbling at it, not taking grapes (there are no grapes!) — just very methodically chewing through it in a circle so that the vine breaks off. It’s not at the base of the vine, they took out the top couple of feet of the vine twice this way. It legit looks like someone’s taking a teeny tiny axe to it. My best guess is squirrels but I don’t know why they’d commit grape vine vandalism. Poor thing’s just trying to grow. Googling has not been fruitful.

    1. I don't mean to be rude - I'm just good at it*

      Rodents are not fond of chili/cayenne pepper. It won’t hurt the plant, but it might save its life.

    2. fposte*

      Check to make sure it’s food-safe, but I’d try spraying Liquid Fence. You’ll need to keep it up, especially at first since the squirrels have found this delightful new pastime they enjoy and will take some discouraging.

      Failing that, chicken wire them in, including enclosing over the top. Squirrels gonna squirrel.

    3. Peasblossom*

      Relatedly, thoughts on protecting against possums? Google suggests chili might work, but some of the recommendations are just strange (like molasses?). Has anyone used liquid fence with possums?

    4. Cat*

      I have used egg white based deer repellent/liquid fence for deer before, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it also works on squirrels but it smells awful. I have recently had trouble with squirrels digging in the garden and I seem to have had success with the mint/cedar rodent repelling granules I bought at the local garden store. Liquid fence was my backup plan but the mint stuff seems to be doing an ok job so that’s another option you could consider.

  57. Ask a Manager* Post author

    There are lots of separate threads giving input about this weekend’s format, so I’m consolidating them all right here. For any additional ones, please do it as a reply to this comment. (And thanks for the input!)

    1. misspiggy*

      I appreciate the reasons for Alison changing the focus of the weekend thread, but I hope Rebecca and other regulars will still feel able to share updates in some way.

      I can see that lots of venting isn’t great, but I do value the pictures of people’s lives the weekend thread offers. Particularly when people describe the resilience, humour and creativity they use to get through life. I actively look for these examples as inspiration for tackling my own challenges. And I really want to know what’s happening with Rebecca’s wildlife cam!

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Maybe we could have a “life stories thread” (better name needed, I’m truly not intending to sound snarky) where all those posts are consolidated within one thread and those who want to participate can post their stories as comments. That way those who don’t want to see them – an understandable viewpoint – can easily just move past.

        I generally don’t read those but I’ll admit to being very interested in Rebecca’s.

        3. My Brain Is Exploding*

          This is a great solution! I have enjoyed reading the “life stories” (Rebecca, for one) and the vents (did blargh get a job yet?). Seeing how supportive (mostly) everyone is in their responses is heartwarming.

        6. NoLongerYoung*

          I do recommend:
          1) collapse all as a default
          2) Possible sets of threads?
          I think there are themes – others can recommend topical themes; I’m just friendly observing.
          Much like the running thread and gaming, there can be a:
          * “Should I break up with him” thread,
          * “I have a toxic family” thread,
          * “Making friends as an adult” thread.
          * support for my “(breast cancer is an example of a wonderful supportive community here)”
          * “children” thread
          and, of course, the above recommended “life stories” thread. I miss Hellmouth and others. This is part of the reason I come.

          I think we all need to be kinder (look up Ubuntu – not the programming language). I felt it was unnecessarily controlling of folks to judge that some needed to “show progress” or “not talk about things ‘I’ am not interested in” to redirect this community to only talk about what they want to read EASILY.

          I scroll past lots of news that I don’t read either. But part of what makes this diverse and wonderful is that I learn so much from the lives of others, in a large part within the comments on those posts. The last 2 years of my life were horrible in many ways, but this was the one part of the week I looked forward to. The support and sharing that NSNR and fposte and Dan and Rebecca and others gave, everything from the creativity to the kindness, of everyone, made an immeasurable difference. If all I wanted was helpful hacks for a one-pot-meal (not that I don’t love those too), I’d not have been here, I’d have been on a recipe blog. It’s the diversity that mattered for me.

          I will stop there (I had more to say, but hey… many others are more articulate than I).

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            That is not to say – that I don’t appreciate this weekend too. I’m suggesting building on the thread ideas – as a way to find an easier middle path. No one site is going to be everyone’s cup of tea and I do know this did get dark (especially since I think mental health has been deteriorating during the COVID crisis)…so maybe the combination of all of these will bring some balance?

            And I was trying to be kind, so please don’t jump on me. (smile)

          2. Avasarala*

            I agree it might be helpful to have a common thread, but I don’t know who wants to remember to make a weekly “thinking of breaking up with your partner? post here” thread. That sounds uber depressing.

            I also appreciate the words of wisdom shared on the stories. We have some wise and kind people posting here.
            But at the same time, there are people “updating” on situations that have resolved, or can’t resolve because of the nature of the thing, and end up just being a puddle of sadness.

            I think you really hit the nail on the head here though: “If all I wanted was helpful hacks for a one-pot-meal (not that I don’t love those too), I’d not have been here, I’d have been on a recipe blog.”
            I totally agree that people sometimes seem to use posting here as a substitute for Google, for a more focused blog, for friends, for therapy. So I think we need to post when we need a diverse set of suggestions, or don’t know where to start.

            But at least one-pot-meals are light and you can collapse the thread. Some people post very heavy things here. If someone relies on the AAM Open Thread for recipes I’m not concerned, but I am if they don’t have anyone else to talk to about their divorce or depression.

      3. Caroline*

        Me too. Those posts are what makes this feel like a community. It’s how commenters become individuals with real lives and are known and understood, and I hate that we are losing that because some people don’t know how to scroll. It sucks, and is sad and frustrating.

        I’m really disappointed by this.

        1. Blue Eagle*

          I agree. I enjoy reading Rebecca’s updates, and the Hellmouth updates (and posting my own once a month). They make me feel like part of a community. It is easy enough to “collapse all” so there are no comments to scroll through unless you are interested in a particular thread and easy enough to “page down” to scroll through quickly once you read the first sentence of a post.
          Now that I’m commenting on it, I think the default should be “collapse all” – when I first started reading the AAM column (thanks to GoldDigger) all the comments were listed and after a couple of days of reading everything I was about to quit reading the column entirely when I discovered the “collapse all”. Now I only open comments for those threads I’m interested in and the reading goes much faster.

          1. Overeducated*

            I’d like collapse all to be default too, in part because a page of long comment threads takes forever to load or scroll through on mobile. I always click the box at the top but for some reason it always resets to expand all.

            1. Jackalope*

              I prefer having either collapse all or expand all as an option for default (I personally prefer expand all but I know that can be annoying). It would be nice, however, to be able to make that choice and have it be saved.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                You can! At the top of the comment section, check the “Set collapse all as default site-wide” box. (But if you do that, and then you reply to a top-level comment, it’s going to take you back to the top of the page because you have replies closed.)

        2. CatCat*

          Yeah, I like such posts too and have learned from them even if I don’t engage in conversation about them.

        3. Sara*

          I liked that feature a lot. I liked sharing and I liked reading. I understood the dissenting opinions but it really felt like a very small few just wanted to get some jabs in and it….makes me a little uneasy for lack of a better term.

          1. Jaid*

            So in Friday’s open post people just…post about past experiences about work life that resulted in them going to the hospital from the stress, suffering from years of toxic work environments. They don’t always say they’re in therapy or working on the issues, etc.

            But make it about a toxic home life and it becomes a board issue?

            I see collapsing threads, doesn’t everyone have them?

            1. The Other Dawn*

              I haven’t read the Friday threads much lately so I don’t know what’s being written, but to me it seems like it’s okay because they’re posting about stress that’s related to work and this is a workplace blog.

        4. Chicago Anon*

          I agree. I come for Rebecca, OyHiOh, and Hellmouth (I know the last got out but I always hope for an entertaining update). Some others also report on ongoing situations though less regularly. I don’t often comment and I don’t think I’ve ever started a thread, but the regular updaters are important to me and if they aren’t allowed to post any more, I’ll spend less time here. Alternatively, if Rebecca etc start their own blogs, please leave the URL here and I’ll just go there.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yes, I am SO saddened to think that this might mean not hearing from OyHiOh.

        5. Disco Janet*

          Those people can still post, depending on how they’re doing it – I don’t think we’re losing community. Just asking that the posts be more of a conversation.

        6. Ask a Manager* Post author

          This is a two-day experiment and then I’m going to reassess — maybe drop the new format entirely, maybe tweak it, maybe something entirely different.

          But I do want to say that there’s no way to make changes to the format that won’t involve losing something some people like. I wish that weren’t the case! I’m trying to approach this from the perspective of what works best for the health of the site as a whole.

          I want to echo what Disco Janet said just above though — the request is just that those posts be more of a conversation.

          1. Not a cat*

            Thank you for trying this. I guess I am in the minority. I don’t want to read serialized updates from various commenters. There are PLENTY of places for them to go. Nor do I want to read posts from those who treat the community as their personal google-bot and then 30 comments down leave a “thanks but I never checked back, so I did what I already wanted to do.” I used to really like the weekend threat (books, running, gardening, etc.) but not anymore.

            2. Kiwi with laser beams*

              The thing is, and I say this as someone who also doesn’t read them, they’re so easy to avoid. Scroll to the end, click the collapse button and you’re good to go. If people are finding something triggering, that’s a different matter, but if you’re just not interested, presumably that means they’re not an emotional minefield for you and you can just scroll and collapse with no problems.

            3. Avasarala*

              I agree with this. The community is nice but I don’t think some people use the site in a way that fosters community (let me google this for you, here is my sob story that I don’t want advice on)

        7. Julie*

          It’s good that you frame genuine concerns about an unhealthy environment as “don’t know how to scroll”. That certainly makes clear that you were listening.

        8. Oxford Comma*

          I like the updates. I like having a place to share stuff like what’s going on. I am also disappointed.

      4. former lurker*

        great idea, I would miss Rebecca and the others who share their lives with us, I really appreciate the (distant) human contact right now

      5. Mimmy*

        Rebecca was the first person I thought of when I saw Alison’s note above. The stories about her mom make me sad but it’s an interesting look into dealing with elderly parents.

        I respect Alison’s decision for changing the format. She said it’s not permanent at this point and she seems open-minded about how this might impact the tone (for lack of a better description) of the weekend thread. I appreciate that–other site owners might not be so flexible.

      6. Nervous Nellie*

        Thank you for this, misspiggy. I would miss Rebecca’s updates as well. I love hearing about her wildlife cam spotting!

      8. Librarian beyond the Shelves We Know*

        Similar here, especially for Rebecca’s updates. I’ve been rooting for her for so long that I come the the open threads specifically to see how much better things are getting every week! :)

      10. Cambridge Comma*

        I stopped reading the open threads for a while owing to illness and when I came back I had missed the start of some of these update/diary style threads, so was excluded from them to some extent because I didn’t know how the story started. That for me is another problem with these updates taking over the thread, they exclude new readers.

        1. Old dog*

          Agree! It also seems like it’s become personal blog for a few folks. I’m not interested in serials on a few people’s lives.
          I’d like a place that can be meaningful even if one can’t/doesn’t read most or all comments each week.

    2. Anon and alone*

      Yep, I think under this new structure, let’s skip it for now (so I’m being consistent). Thanks! – Alison

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        Is that the birthday post? I know those are usually done by Anon and alone. If so, and if you’re open to feedback, I’m sad that that’s gone and I’d love it if you could reconsider that. I followed that complaint thread and the birthday post didn’t seem to fit into the categories that people were getting really bothered by.

        2. Heliabel*

          This is really sad. This was a kind, communal and caring thread and losing it is horrible.

          I’m disappointed and saddened by this.

          1. Lonely Aussie*

            None of my close friends and very few of my family remember/acknowledge my birthday (the perils of being the person who remembers them all I guess) and the birthday thread was so nice to read. I’m sad too.

          2. Traffic_Spiral*

            Well, I’m sure you could put your thinking cap on and find a way to make a decent post about birthdays if you wanted to. Best birthday ever posts? Shittiest birthday ever? Most dramatic birthday ever? Suggestions for fun birthdays parties for X-Y demographics?

            I feel confident that quarantine hasn’t atrophied our social skills to the point where we have forgotten how to make conversation about a topic.

            1. PX*

              Well the point is that it wasnt a big discussion about birthdays: it was just someone making time to wish a happy birthday to whoever might be celebrating that week, and may not have people in their lives to celebrate with. It was a simple act of positivity and kindness without needing to be a deep and intellectual conversation on the topic. Which I and others appreciated and will miss.

              2. Traffic_Spiral*

                A conversation doesn’t have to be deep or intellectual in order to have a point. Conversely, kindness needs to have some sort of focus or point or else it doesn’t mean much, and is basically just one of those ‘Live Laugh Love’ motivational posters that your one aunt keeps forwarding to everyone.

              3. Kiwi with laser beams*

                “It was a simple act of positivity and kindness without needing to be a deep and intellectual conversation on the topic.”

                Yes, this! A discussion about best birthdays or shittiest birthdays is completely different from what those posts were for. Shoehorning those posts into that format would cause them to lose their entire purpose, and since the birthday posts weren’t what people were complaining about, I don’t see that that’s necessary.

          3. Courageous cat*

            This seems a little… dramatic. It was a pretty broad/generic weekly post and I think people would be fine without being wished a happy birthday by someone they don’t know.

            1. Not A Manager*

              What is with people here telling other people what they “should” feel and care about? It happened on last week’s complaint thread too. I’m not calling out Courageous Cat in particular, just that this seems to sum up what I’ve seen in a lot of the comments about posting rules.

              If someone literally says, in my personal life this makes a real difference to me personally and I personally miss it, why would you know better than them? You think someone is “dramatic” for missing a kind, thoughtful remark? You “think they would be fine” without it?

              As I said, this happened last week too. There were a bunch of people who said “posting these [whatever] threads matters to me a lot,” and a bunch of other people who said, “reading and responding to those threads is either something I enjoy, or it’s something I’m happy to tolerate, or I’m willing to skip them,” and some people just lost their shirt about it.

              1. Disco Janet*

                I think that’s an unfair characterization of those of us who don’t like the vent/blog style threads. There were many thoughtful reasons given for it that went well beyond “I don’t want to just scroll past those” tantrums or anyone “losing their shirt.” You’re acting as if everyone either agreed with you or is a jerk who lost their “shirt”. Can we not with the either/or fallacies, please? People can care about others AND be concerned about the direction the open threads have started moving in the past couple of years.

              2. Courageous cat*

                It’s just my opinion on their response, I have no idea if they do or do not feel that way, but that doesn’t change the fact that I feel like it’s overkill. And yes, I do think people would be fine without a blanket “happy birthday to those who had one” statement every week. If you weren’t fine without that then that would be concerning.

              3. Traffic_Spiral*

                Well, basically because this isn’t an emotional therapy support board. Not that there’s anything wrong with those, but it’s not this. The open thread is supposed to be more like a dinner party and less like group therapy. If you get someone at your dinner party that only wants to talk about themselves and the sad things in their life, eventually people are gonna be like “I feel bad for you and wish you well, but this really isn’t the place for this – have you considered finding a support group?”

                2. Courageous cat*

                  Very well said. It can be kind of exhausting to read, just like it can be exhausting to hear at a dinner party – and, as someone else mentioned, it’s hard to know to scroll past a comment until you’re pretty far into it.

                  There’s nothing wrong with giving this (still extremely open!) thread a more engaging purpose.

                3. Thursday Next*

                  I like this way of describing what today’s thread feels like—a giant dinner party. I do like what I’m seeing this weekend.

        3. Blue Eagle*

          The birthday post was one I enjoyed reading every week (even if it was the same thing every week) because it shared joy with others. I especially liked it the week of my anniversary (which no one wished me a happy anniversary) and just adapted the good wishes in my own head as also pertaining to me. Sorry that it can’t be here this week.

          1. Jedi Squirrel*

            Yeah, I miss it to. My birthday is coming up soon, and as I haven’t seen anyone other than coworkers and people without masks in forever, and I haven’t actually touched another human being in two months, I was looking forward to it.

            Alas, alas…no need to bother now.

            1. Ramona Q*

              So many of us have survived birthdays alone in isolation without other people. (“No need to bother now” seems a little misplaced.) You’ll be okay even if it’s hard; it’s just one day, and if a birthday alone is your biggest worry, you’re doing just fine.

              1. Jedi Squirrel*

                I did NOT say this was my biggest worry, but it was something I was looking forward to.

                Thanks for being so helpful.

              2. Jackalope*

                This is an example of the logical fallacy known as the “relative privation” fallacy, i.e. the idea that only the person going through the worst suffering has the right to complain, and everyone else should just stuff it. Let us please remember: this is not the Pain Olympics. None of us are “doing just fine” right now (or very few; don’t want to downplay the stories people have shared of things genuinely going okay). Birthdays are important days to many people, and if someone is sad and disappointed that something they were looking forward to on their birthday (especially at a time when we have lost so many normal touchstones of what makes life happy and livable) that is a legitimate feeling and not something to dismiss or downplay just because it doesn’t seem important to you.

            2. Not A Manager*

              Happy upcoming birthday, @Jedi Squirrel! I’m sorry that you’ll be spending your birthday alone. The fact that it might be your biggest worry doesn’t mean you don’t get to have feelings about it. I truly hope future birthdays are better for a lot of us than this year’s.

        4. not an onion*

          When you’re trying out a new experiment it’s hard to make exceptions for this and exceptions for that. I’m sure the rule can be refined in future weeks if it stays.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Right. It’s something that will need to evolve over time through trial and error, and there’s no way to make everyone happy. Ultimately, it’s Alison’s website.

        6. Ask a Manager* Post author

          For this week, while I’m seeing what this looks like if we re-wire it a little, I want to be consistent about applying the rules at the top . (It was also the third post when it originally went up, and I didn’t want the third post to be something that didn’t really follow what I’d laid out.)

        7. Cambridge Comma*

          Surely that post could easily be adapted to meet the guidelines? Happy birthday etc., if it’s your birthday this week how was it/how do you feel about it.

      2. Loopy*

        I posted my thread further down before reading this, but it’s birthday related and I think it does fall under the new guidelines. Not trying to upstage this thread at all (I hadn’t realized this was here when I posted) but may be a way to discuss birthdays for those of us celebrating last week and this week!

      3. Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        I admire Alison very much but I think this kind of restriction is a mistake. It will definitely make me less interested. This is more of a work style format. And less of a caring human format.

        1. Venus*

          Agreed. I’m confused by people who get upset at posts that they don’t want to read, yet can’t scroll by them without getting irritated. How do they survive the internet?

          I initially thought that maybe it was one post, similar to the Covid-specific one where all the questions would be in reply to the main post, which seemed confusing but at least was better than leaving out a huge number of posts that are updates. I don’t necessarily want to read all the updates, but I have sorted out my own solution. And when I scroll past those posts I do think how nice it is that people are thinking of each other and being supportive.

          2. misspiggy*

            I think there might be genuine differences in how easy people find it to scroll through a very large and diverse thread. You have to be a pretty good speed reader to pick out something you’re into, and some people will have to read every headline post before knowing whether it’s for them or not. I happen to find that easy, but I know a lot of people don’t, and there are limits to how easily those skills can be learned.

        2. Lady Jay*

          Yeah, agreed. I enjoy coming onto the open thread, seeing what people are up to, and while that usually takes the form of “gardening thread!” and “running thread!” and requests for movie recommendations, sometimes it takes the form of a diary entry. :shrug:

      4. KoiFeeder*

        I would like an exception for this one. Wishing people a happy birthday is really important, especially in these times.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Is it though? Like, is it important coming from someone you don’t know, who’s giving a blanket “happy birthday” to people who they didn’t even know they had birthdays?

          I get people’s points about it being a small act of kindness but I also don’t think wishing people a happy birthday falls under the “really important” umbrella. Seems better to me to get it from friends/family/corporations giving you discounts, haha.

          1. Not A Manager*

            “is it important coming from someone you don’t know?”

            I’ve wondered the same thing. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who do remember my birthday. I’m also the kind of person who doesn’t get much out of anonymous emotional support, even if I’m missing it in my real life.

            One of the nice things about reading this site, and some other ones, over the past few years, is that I get to see that other people can have really different internal experiences and different priorities than I do. I’m willing to imagine what it would be like to be the kind of person who really does get something of value from an anonymous internet exchange. And when I do imagine that, it’s easier for me to honor someone else’s reported experience rather than rejecting it or correcting it.

        2. Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

          Yes, birthday wishes are important. And what does it hurt anyone if someone does?

      5. MMB*

        I’d just like to say that if this was the happy birthday post, I also thought it was a cheerful, positive, innocuous little post each week. Honestly, the world needs more bright spots.

          4. SirKeladry*

            Same here- it’s my birthday week too and I was looking forward to the post. Happy birthday to you!

      6. Avasarala*

        I think this could be more conversational if it was sharing HBD wishes, and then inviting others to share what they did to celebrate. Doesn’t seem that hard to rework to me.

    3. Jdc*

      Well guess with the changes I no longer am part of the weekend thread. You know if someone didn’t like a post they can simply not read it.

      1. sswj*

        I don’t think this is permanent change. It’s a request and an experiment, and it certainly doesn’t preclude you from taking part. It’s only asking you to re-frame what you post. There’s nothing that says you can’t add your opinions and thoughts here.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        You’re still welcome to talk *with* people, as opposed to talking *at* people.

        4. Courageous cat*

          Agreed! Well said. This makes it more engaging rather than just being a sort of rambly thinking-out-loud quality that no one has any context for. And there is *absolutely* use for the second thing in life, but not necessarily on this site – there are plenty of forums for stuff like that.

      3. Drugstore Mascara?*

        >if someone didn’t like a post they can simply not read it.

        You can’t know you don’t like a post until you’ve already read it.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I like the idea of putting a CW/TW for or put the topic in the name field so it’s easy for people to skip past. I try to do that when possible.

        2. BRR*

          I’m conflicted overall on it but I 100% agree with this. I’ve read a long post to only get to the end and go, “wait that went nowhere.”

        3. Wintermute*

          Plus, that sentiment ignores the tone-affecting quality of content. It’s not about “just scroll past it”– the content of a site sets a tone. Sites get a lot of drive-by traffic, they live and die by how many of them decide to stay and join the community. How do they make that decision? based on what they see! Also the TONE of the people that decide to stay depends on what they see.

          When you see a community you don’t know, you read the rules, you read a few posts and you go “okay, this is how they communicate here” and you decide to stay or not based on that. If what people see are rants, they go “this is a place for rants”, if what they see are edgy hot takes they go “this is a place for edgy hot takes” if what they see are back-and-forth conversations they go “this is a place for conversations”.

          “just scroll on by” ignores the fact that the presence of those posts affects the tenor of conversation, who decides this is a place for them, who decides this is not a place for them, and the nature of the posts from those people.

          1. Cat*

            Well put! And also the person above who characterized a lot of the threads as group therapy rather than dinner party. Clearly some people favor one atmosphere vs. the other but it’s difficult to have both.

            Personally my feeling is that group therapy spaces need to be much more moderated than this. I think it’s noteworthy that Captain Awkward so often feels the need to close comments on her letters. It’s takes a LOT of energy to moderate on such sensitive topics.

            1. Wintermute*

              I hit on this in another comment and that’s totally right. A space like that needs a heavy moderation touch, with a clipboard of links to the national alliance on mental health, suicide prevention lines and so on ready to insert. You have to read every comment and you have to read them fairly quickly and step in when someone is in danger.

              That’s a LOT to sign up for for a fun weekend thread that’s meant to give Alison some time off on a weekend.

              1. Cat*

                Yeah. And that’s where the “just scroll if you don’t like it” issue comes in. You’re actually asking a lot of everyone else to read things that appear to be other people in mental distress and then just skip over it or put it out of their mind when they know it’s not necessarily going to be addressed. Last week someone likened it to trying to avoid peanuts in a Thai restaurant – it was your fault of you got a reaction. But I don’t think this space is really set up as a “warning: you are going to encounter people in crisis” space. If it is, that’s what it is and there should be a warning. But that’s not what we’ve seen to date.

          2. Thursday Next*

            Very well said. I had some trouble articulating why “just scroll past” is problematic, and you nailed it.

            I would just scroll past, or I’d try, but there are certain words or phrases that I couldn’t scroll past, things that are pretty heavy for a general conversation.

            Long blocks of text by a single poster also set a tone for the site. I like dinner parties (thanks, Traffic_Spiral!) where lots of people are heard and listened to, not parties where a few people speak.

            I have been in support groups, and the only ones that I’ve felt were helpful were the ones that were facilitated by a mental health professional. Absent that kind of moderation (which is not Alison’s role to provide) some of the recurring posts related ongoing concerns that never seemed to head toward a productive path.

            I’m not saying that there always has to be a narrative of improvement, or that there’s no role in life for venting, or that forums without moderators should never discuss serious topics. Just that it leaves less room for conversation, not just within that kind of post, but on the site overall, if it seems like the weekend thread leans toward being a place for that kind of post.

          3. Myrin*

            I would assume that most new people would try and judge the general tenor of this site by the comments on the work advice posts throughout the week, though. Not only because they’re more likely to find this site to begin with because they’re searching for something related to work but also just statistically – even though the weekend threads have by far the biggest number of comments, they are also the fewest by category and “time on the very top of the page”.

            Not that people don’t also try to vent and monologue in the regular threads, mind you, but I think in general the topics there lend themselves less to it and, because of the smaller number of individual comments, Alison can moderate those more thoroughly.

        4. Cat*

          Yeah I’m a little baffled at all the responses saying we should just know to skip stuff in advance that we “don’t like”.

          1. Sunset Maple*

            Yes, I don’t understand how to pre-read something to know if I want to skip it, nor do I know how to prognosticate who the serial name changers are so I can scroll past them as well. If I had the kind of mystical powers these demands would require, I wouldn’t be on the weekend thread, I’d be on the road to Vegas.

        5. Myrin*

          For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think these comments are meant to be read as 100% literal, as in, you can magically intuit just by having the site open which posts you’d find interesting and which not. I think in general, it’s fair to say that a post’s general content can be gleaned from its first two or three sentences. It’s of course possible that something takes a wild turn in the middle or someone doesn’t come out with what they actually want to talk about until they’re five paragraphs in, but I do think that that’s rather rare. I’m pretty good at skipping stuff in general, though, so I might have a different view on this than most others.

      4. Nice*

        Yup. It’s so sad, but this change makes the open thread a more miserable, unfriendly place and I don’t want to be part of that.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          How is it “a more miserable, unfriendly place”? I don’t see anyone being miserable or unfriendly today.

          There is no set of rules that are going to please everyone. And it’s Alison’s site to run how she sees fit.

        2. sswj*

          Actually, I’ve joined in more today than I ever have. I’m enjoying the Q/A and discussions far more than updates on things I have no backstory on.

          2. Anon for this*

            Me too. It’s a dramatic change in tone to me, as of this moment. I am really pleasantly surprised. It feels so much more interesting, positive, and friendly.

          3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

            I agree with this. I realise I can scroll past whatever I’m not interested in, but it’s still a sort of mental clutter to me when I have to sort through things that are basically journal entries released into the void and what I’m looking for is discussion/engagement. I definitely prefer this new format, although I’ll understand if I’m in the minority and things go back to how they were.

          4. Bex*

            I’m also appreciating the change too. For me, it feels more conversational and more like a community, with less unfiltered venting.

          5. Lena Clare*

            Yes I prefer this format, definitely.
            And JDC you’re not being excluded from this forum at all, but I am sorry you feel that way.

          6. Lissa*

            Me too! I haven’t posted here as much for the last year but I have to say I do prefer this style and it encourages me to read more.
            I think it’s possible there’s a compromise here too, like maybe telling people to please post backstory and not just assume people know what’s up, and ask people to do one post a week. I definitely don’t think that asking for discussions to be interactive is miserable or unfriendly.

          7. Mystery Bookworm*

            As a more casual reader, I have to agree with this. Typically when I check the weekend threads it feels a bit like I’m listening in on a bunch of good friends talk and I feel like an interloper.

            Which is my own issue, I know. But as someone who’s not able to check every weekend, that’s just my knee-jerk response.

          8. GingerSheep*

            I want to add a voice to the “definitely enjoying this new format more!” side of the debate! I found discussion more interesting and healthier this week.

          10. allathian*

            Same here. I was a bit skeptical at first, but I think this change is welcome. I hope it will make more new posters feel welcome to post, too.

        4. un-pleased*

          I find this way more friendly, and like it used to be. I’m really happy with how this is going today. It feels like a community.

        5. Thankful for AAM*

          Hi Nice,
          I usually skip the weekend threads because they are a bit sad. They tend to be long, rambling, sad stories and I notice that they are not really interested in solutions as much as keeping things the same and venting about it. I can see that you and I have different experience and I hope Alison’s experiment leads us to a good middle ground.

        6. Fulana del tal*

          How can you determine that in less than half a day? Everyone is still allowed to participate. If people just want to journal their lives they can set their own blogs and post a link here for those who are interested.

        7. Annon for thid*

          I think the issue around this is diversity of readers. It took me a while to realize that these threads are self selecting. So many people who seem to need “something” in their lives — friends, community, a place to vent. If that is what Allison wants, great. But, it is a different type of blog than it was and it has lost many former commenters — perhaps in response to that.

      5. CheeryO*

        I missed the discussion on this, but it seems like Alison is just asking for posts to be productive, which isn’t a huge burden. If someone can’t figure out how to turn their comment into a thoughtful discussion, then maybe this isn’t the place for it.

      6. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I generally agree, but some of the posts were *so* long that the amount of scrolling needed to pass them up was truly obnoxious.

        To echo a previous commenter, I appreciate Alison trying something different and being open-minded if it doesn’t work. I’m really grateful that she provides this forum, whatever form it ultimately takes.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          I feel the same. I like that it’s a nice change, and as much as I understand people wanting to share what’s going on in their lives, sometimes it would be an awful lot of scrolling for a story that if I haven’t been following, is not one I’m going to be able to just pick up on. I don’t mind at all the chance for the open thread to be mostly discussion-focused. I wouldn’t mind even if there was one dedicated, collapsible thread for personal updates, and I think it would keep the very long posts under control.

        2. Thankful for AAM*

          Hi Please Exit,
          I agree about the scrolling!
          I like the suggestion in a thread above to have a lifestlyes or life events thread.

          But I also think we could avoid the long scrolls by putting a short sentence in the main thread, “this is a thread about my life,” and then putting all the info in a reply.

        3. Cambridge Comma*

          That’s exactly it. No amount of collapse all helps if the first posts are so long.

      7. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        (Please delete if it’s not cool to recommend another online space.)

        Especially if this change proves permanent, anyone who finds catharsis by posting in a journalesque format could check out the friends of Captain Awkward forum. There’s a “concert hall” section where you can basically have your own thread and update as you see fit. I actually find that much easier to follow than the updates on this site, because if I’ve forgotten what’s going on with someone I can just scroll back in one organized thread.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          I second the Captain Awkward recommendation. It’s perfectly suited for long posts about your life, feelings, problems, etc. and they’d probably love to wish everyone a happy birthday as well.

          Seriously, it’s full of people wanting to give you hugs (but special Jedi hugs that don’t involve touching, because not everyone is ok with touching), and you should definitely check them out for all your “I just need to vent” needs.

          1. Lissa*

            good point! There are lots of online forums actually that are specifically for this kind of thing, and I think the captain awkward forums might be a good fit for some of the posters here too. The nature of that type of forum is IMO really well suited to personal stuff, in a way that weekly vents can get lost, like if you happen to not read the weekend thread for a couple weeks you end up being really confused about what’s happening.

      8. RagingADHD*

        I don’t recall any of your past posts, so I don’t know if long “no-discussion-wanted” posts are something you personally want to do.

        Here’s the thing – there is no shortage of places on the Internet to do that. There are even plenty of places to do it anonymously.

        But when people talk about wanting to make those posts here because of “the community” or because it’s not “the wild west,” what they are talking about is moderation.

        Work. They are expecting someone else (Alison in this case) to do the work of shielding them from the comments or opinions of people who might disagree, push back, criticize, or be outright offensive.

        It is 100 percent legit for Alison or anyone else to decide they don’t have the time, energy, or desire to do that work, especially when it has nothing to do with the purpose of the site overall. And the more intimate, vulnerable, or distressed those monologues get, the more work they generate, and the further the site veers from its purpose.

        Lots if people cite Captain Awkward here, but CA stopped accepting comments entirely because it was just too much work trying to moderate the level of personal vulnerability and potential offense going on in the comments.

        It’s not reasonable for anyone to expect that level of work from someone else.

        2. Hazy Days*

          Yes, I think that’s a very wise point. People are coming here because of the work Alison
          does to moderate the community tone, and it is quite reasonable for her to step away from that at the weekend.

    4. Bibliovore*

      Trying to be open minded about the new rules format and it is Alison’s site so those rules should abide but…
      this is a community that I trust to be kind and generous and I don’t always have a question like “how do I talk to my contractor?”
      Also I do love hearing what is going on in peoples “home lives” and getting to know them and their struggles. People dealing with mean aging parents, surviving in widowhood, dealing with friend groups or lack there of, abusive neighbors.
      I never would have made a will without hearing about the perils of not having one.
      I love hearing about people taking chances, starting new hobbies, working things out with spouses, moving, renovating, graduating, having babies, not having babies.
      Right now those who are grieving are my people.
      I don’t have that anywhere else especially in this time of isolation.
      Other discussion boards are too much for me and reddit is the wild west.
      We have had a few instances of unkindness and Alison has been terrific about shutting those down.
      The weekend thread was the first place that I saw how detrimental to my health that my lack of work/life balance was.
      No work/no school, best rule ever. No “home stories” I’ll have to think about that.
      How hard it is to just skip?
      Is this posting a violation as it is just an opinion not a question?

      2. Anom-a-lom-a-ding-dong*

        I guess the question I have is the opposite of that: how hard is it to post in such a way that it invites conversation with others? Personally, I am having a hard time seeing why you can’t post ASKING for people to share those kinds of experiences you mentioned up above- that seems to be well within what Alison’s guidelines for this week are and would give you what you’re looking for.

        I actually really like the shift in rules this week. I also enjoy reading ALL the posts more that they are framed as conversation-starters rather than monologues. They’re honestly more interesting to me (and maybe others) that way!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. We have had many many posts about things such as, “How did you decide not to have kids?” or “When did you know it was the right time to have kids?’

          OP, you mention grief. Hey, that is one of my missions in life to get people talking about grief. We (society) can talk about doing wild stuff but we (society) can’t talk about loss or sadness, what’s up with that??? I don’t see why we here can’t talk about grief anymore. All we have to do is leave an opening for others enter into conversation also. I do like the whole concept of starting a conversation as opposed to monologues or jounalling. It feels like it draws in more topics and brings out more information that can actually improve our lives.

          1. Nessun*

            I think you’ve helped me find the crux of my personal discomfort – if the requirement is for a conversation and a dialogue, which I have no problem with, what happens when you pose a question and no one responds? Before, a vent was something you could choose to post and then see who engaged, but it could be considered closed of there was no reply. If I trgrame to ask a question and there’s no response, that will feel…very different. I understand that’s very much a me problem, so thank you for helping me realize it.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Oh I agree it’s disappointing if no one answers. I know I have tried to answer questions where I see others have missed and I see other people doing the same. I have also noticed that sometimes questions get answered on Monday or Tuesdays so hopefully the person checked back?

              I know that sometimes I have posted questions that I thought were tough questions and I had to decide that answers are optional.If I get an answer it’s a gift. Truly it’s a gift. Some of my questions are technology oriented so basically I am asking people who *earn money* for their advice to give me *free advice*. They don’t have to if they don’t wanna. So framing answers as a gift helps me.

              But I have seen people ask a second time and try to ask earlier and that seems to work also. If a person says, “I asked last week but I did not get too many replies [or no replies] so I wanted to try again…” That usually catches my attention and I see it catches other people’s attention also.

              I think people have difficulty understanding when a vent is a passive request for advice or when it is purely a vent. I do see where some people might answer on the off chance that the person actually does want some pearls of wisdom. Of the two choices, not answering or giving an unwanted answer some how the latter feels a little less offensive? At least the writer knew they were not being ignored.

              In short it helps me to keep in mind that no one, anywhere HAS to do anything. Alison does not have to keep this forum open. People don’t have to post. People don’t have to answer. The glue that holds this all together is that there are enough people who want to do all these things. And that is the glue. Kind of an amazing thing to see this, if you think about it. We probably won’t see anything like this again in our life times.

            2. The Other Dawn*

              “what happens when you pose a question and no one responds?”

              There’s always that possibility when someone posts a question. It’s happened to me and many others. Maybe we posted too late in the weekend and no one saw it. Maybe we posed a question that doesn’t have an easy answer. Or maybe the question wasn’t understood so people ignored it. The possibility of a question not being answered isn’t a reason for Alison to not impose rules in the weekend thread and ask that we keep to posting questions or discussion prompts.

              1. Nessun*

                It’s absolutely not a reason to not impose rules. I would never expect that. I was speaking to my own emotional response, which I already acknowledged is mine to deal with. Not So NewReader offered an excellent reframing of any answer as a gift, which is how I will choose to interpret interactions going forward.

            3. RagingADHD*

              I think that’s a very important insight, and I hope the folks who are talking about being lonely or having nowhere else to express themselves will read it.

              Yes, the difference between venting and conversing will highlight the risk of not getting a reply. And that risk is inherent in all real engagement with other human beings.

              So if someone can’t tolerate that risk, what are they really looking for?

        2. un-pleased*

          I agree 100%. I got so tired of the talking-at/monologing at people posts.

          I think about it this way. When I was in grad school, complaining and venting was major conversation, and the goal was never to change anything. What I realized over time is that the venting and negativity became the primary channel for communication, and once that happens, it is really hard to pull out of that habit. It starts to infect everything. I had to pull out of those conversations for my own mental health, especially when you can see people do things that are counter-productive and refuse to be responsible for making changes.

          The weekend open threads were becoming ever-darker spirals of negativity. I am enjoying seeing people actually talk to each other and act interested in what other people think, not just beg for crumbs of attention.

          1. ...*

            100% agree. discussion is fun! 10 paragraphs rants “not looking for advice” about the same thing every week aren’t. I seriously think someone posted “update on my front door situation” or “update on my dishwasher” or the equivalent last week. just no!

          2. TechWorker*

            ‘beg for crumbs of attention’ -> this is one of the most negative things I’ve ever read as a comment on here, so there’s that.

            I’m not saying the long update posts are perfect but can we not be really brutal when complaining about them?

      3. Fulana del tal*

        No home stories? The only change is no more long blog posts that don’t invite discussion or openly telling people that they are not looking for advice/comments. You say that other boards were getting too much for you, can you respect that was happening here for others?

        1. Cambridge Comma*

          Particularly the ones saying they are not asking for advice or comments are conversation killers, and this open thread doesn’t work if it isn’t a conversation.

      4. Thursday Next*

        I’ve seen posts today that *do* fit the category of “home stories”—people looking to move, or updating on a decision they made following a post, or dealing with a parent with Alzheimer’s.

        I’ve also seen posts and comments in response to them that have given me something helpful to consider.

        I like today’s tone, and have been finding it more conversational. I think there have been lots of conversations that seem like they’d be welcoming of more input—maybe you’ll find some as the day goes on?

      5. Bibliovore*

        Full disclosure, one of the greatest pleasures of my present life is sitting on the back porch sofa with the old lady dog at my feet reading the week-end thread. I usually am too late for the Friday Work one. Is there still a procrastination thread? I hadn’t noticed. Hours of relaxation learning about other peoples lives, stresses, and accomplishments.
        What I love most of all is the feeling that I am not alone when trying to figure out whether I need to go to the doctor for “that thing” or how do you start thinking about a kitchen renovation? Or huge life things like buying a house.
        I looked back a the last few weeks and realized that I had been skipping the long narrative postings that were vents or perhaps a human being being so overwhelmed that “seek professional help” seemed the only response.
        I think that one weekend might not be enough to make a decision. Perhaps a month and then revisit requesting comments in one thread.
        By the way, the scent of lilacs and the sound of a chain saw go well with AAM.
        Thank you for helping me just chill.

    5. Courageous cat*

      Well I’m very into the new format, and tbh I think there’s a bit of extra drama in some of these responses than is truly necessary. This isn’t some devastating, horrible change – it’s moooostly the same exact thing, but makes it more interactive than reading entry #300 in what amounts to someone’s online diary, which can absolutely be great! …. but only if you’ve been following along up until that point and also feel very invested. I personally enjoy not having to skim every comment to see if they’re engaging or if it’s just someone talking to themselves (so to speak) out loud.

      Either way, you can’t please everyone, but I hope we can all keep some perspective and remember that this format would still be a fun and engaging open thread to read regardless.

      1. BRR*

        I agree some of the responses seem a bit much and it’s not a big ask to have people’s post be conversational. Sometimes it felt like a series of personal blogs. And unfortunately I can’t just skip because it’s not always the same posters (plus I can’t always remember everyone who does it).

        1. Courageous cat*

          Yep. And like, I get that I’m not one to decide how anyone else does/should feel, but I also don’t think I’m totally off-base saying that people calling it “horrible” and making them “extremely sad” to lose the generic happy birthday thread is a bit overkill.

          What this reminds me of is all the times Facebook changed up their look/first added the news feed/etc. Everyone would always be really upset by it but within a week or two realized it was actually for the better, and it wasn’t a very big deal.

          1. BRR*

            Exactly. I don’t think a reasonable response to “make posts conversational” is “well guess I won’t be able to post.” Or if that’s the truth, that’s the point of this trial.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Seconded.

        There are some innocuous habitual journalers, but I’ve been noticing more and more real estate being devoted to people who are in serious distress and need IRL help, but are using forum venting to reinforce their denial and create the illusion that they are getting help.

        When all the replies are “please seek real therapy, you deserve to feel better” or “please consult your doctor, that sounds serious” + the op is just rehearsing all the reasons why doctors or therapy can’t help them?

        That is doing folks a real disservice.

        And from a moderation perspective, asking that posts be conversational is a lot less onerous or subjective than trying to separate one kind of monologue from another.

        1. ...*

          Yup! I recall a post from someone who was concerned they’d been bleeding rectally for 3 years and asking if anyone had the same issue. Like the only response is seek medical care ASAP!! or “seek therapy”

          1. RagingADHD*

            Oh, geez. Missed that one.

            I mean, that is a question seeking conversation I guess, but.. geez.

        2. Julie*

          Thank you for expressing this so well.

          It’s made even worse when other commenters join the OP in scolding people offering advice or insisting that anyone who expresses concern is a bully. It doesn’t just harm the OP, it harms everyone reading who suffers from maladaptive avoidance behaviours.

        3. anonforthis*

          Thank you for putting this so well. To me, I’m uncomfortable participating in a board where people are posting at length about what sound like very serious untreated mental health problems but encouraging them to seek IRL help is unkind because haven’t you read every part of their five-week series of posts where they said they don’t want to? (To be clear I’m not talking about posts where people are just talking about their experiences with MH issues or are having a hard day with them, but the ones that are like “I am experiencing X and Y very serious symptoms and am pretty sure it is Z serious condition but I’m not interested in seeking any kind of treatment, what else should I do?”)

          It almost feels like a sort of collective vanity. This may be a lovely, kind, interesting group of people but we are not therapists or a substitute for treatment, and it benefits no-one to pretend that we are. If someone was posting about experiencing sudden severe chest pains, would we all feel comfortable shutting down people who said “please seek medical attention immediately” as unkind because that person had said six weeks ago that they didn’t like doctors? Because IMO that is the equivalent of what I’ve seen here and it’s distressing to read.

      3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        This is about where I fall. If I wanted to read Jane’s personal blog, I would be reading Jane’s personal blog, not a discussion thread, where it is reasonable to ask that posts be discussion-based.

    6. Anon for this*

      Wow, I am really surprised and pleased by the overall change in tone just from the request to create “conversations.” I think it’s so much more interesting and productive (as well as easier to skip topics that might be less interesting to me). I vote keep it up. Thanks for the experiment.

    7. Jedi Squirrel*

      I’m disappointed, but not surprised.

      I’ve been on the internet a long time, and things like this are just the tip of the spear. Someone gets their dudgeon up because they don’t utilize a site feature (like collapse-all) or just refuse to scroll past it. Then we need a rule. Then someone asks for an exception to the rule. Then someone else gets upset about something, and then they need a rule because the other person got a rule. And then we carve out more exceptions. I’ve seen a lot of great communities fade away or even die altogether because of this pattern. I’ve seen it many times.

      (And I reread last week’s post concerning this. I mean, if you keep seeing those posters’ names keep coming up, why do you read their post? Just scroll past it.)

      I wish people could just realize that not everything on the internet is about them or for them. If you don’t like it, then do like Dionne Warwick said and just walk on by.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I agree in theory — and that was my initial take on it when it came up last weekend. But I received a lot of thoughtful feedback (both there and in private emails people sent later) and I do agree the tenor of the weekend thread has changed in the last year or two. My original intent in doing them was to provide a place for the non-work stuff that had started coming up in work-related posts during the week — it was clear people liked talking to each other and wanted a place for questions and light conversation. They’ve morphed into something different more recently, and that’s not inherently a bad thing — but it’s also not necessarily the thing I set out to provide, or necessarily one that makes sense for what the site is overall.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Yup, communities evolve. I’ve seen that, and generally believe that’s a good thing because the world we live in changes all the time. (I’m still a moderator on some boards I haven’t been active on for years, and I always get a chuckle when I receive an email that someone responded to something I wrote years ago.)

          I would argue that the tenor here has changed because the world has changed radically recently. It is not the same world and we are not the same people. Alas.

          1. valentine*

            And I reread last week’s post concerning this. I mean, if you keep seeing those posters’ names keep coming up, why do you read their post? Just scroll past it.
            That was my reaction as well, but I get it now, with the dinner party analogy and RagingADHD’s post that begins “Seconded.”

        2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          When I started reading the weekend thread, it was typically under a thousand posts in total. It now seems to nudge two thousand most weeks. I think the need to focus comes from the change in magnitude – and that is something I’ve seen in community after community over the internet years.

      2. Wintermute*

        It’s not about “just scroll past it”– the content of a site sets a tone. People choose how to participate in communities based on what they see. If they see witty snap-backs about the news they go “this is a place for my witty commentary on the news” if they see people getting advice they go “this is a place to get, and give, advice” if they see rants they go “this is a place for rants”.

        And that affects the tone of the site because these things become cyclic, if you become a place for a certain kind of content, people post more of that content, and then people who aren’t interested in that content leave for greener pastures, and the people left are the ones posting more of that content.

        And honestly, someone up above had a good point, the content was getting DARK, people in real distress who need real help, more than we can provide (and often that they outright said they didn’t want)

        That ties into my other point that not all content needs the same level of moderation, if you’re going to become a place for people in serious distress to vent, that requires a heavy moderator hand and a lot of community care, or you can end up doing real harm to real people. Alison didn’t necessarily sign up to run that kind of community where you need a clipboard with links to NAMI and the like always at the ready.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          I get that, but there was a lot that wasn’t dark. I certainly bookmarked things to add to the Saturday free-for-all that I hoped would bring some cheer and joy to people’s lives.

          That said, it’s not really a free for all anymore. It’s a free for some.

          There is a LOT of content here that doesn’t apply to me. Pregnancy, wedding plans, living in a foreign country, spousal issues. And I don’t complain “too many baby threads! Too many wedding threads!” Alison has yet to recommend a book that sounds like something I would enjoy, but I’ve never said “Oh gosh, why doesn’t she read and recommend some sci-fi?” Because not everything here is about me or for me.

          Now that readers realize they have some power, where is the end of it? Are people going to complain that we have too many threads about wallabies? “Let’s make a rule against wallaby threads! Why not? Already got a rule against mongoose threads!” Yeah, I know it’s a silly example, but I’m trying to make a point. And that point is that it doesn’t feel as welcoming anymore. Now when I post, I have to worry if someone is going to take offense to it and propose banning it. I have to second-guess myself much more than I normally do before I post, because it can, in some weird postmodern way, be labeled as “dark”.

          And that’s all I’m going to say here. Back to the wildlands of Reddit, I suppose.

          I am a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I think this is a very strong reaction to (and perhaps misinterpretation of) a request that people keep their comments here oriented toward discussion with others.

            But you’re right that it’s not a free-for-all (in fact, I changed the name). It never was, really. I’m just clarifying what the purpose of the post is.

            This isn’t readers being handed some sort of new power. It’s me listening to people’s input, which I’ve always tried to do, and deciding what I think is best for the health of the site as a whole.

            1. Disco Janet*

              Yeah, and as far as the complaints about new rules go…isn’t this an old rule that kind of disappeared and some of us want it brought back? I’ve been a reader for years, and I thought in the past there was actually a rule that the weekend thread should be for discussion and not blog type posts. Maybe I’m mis-remembering though.

              1. The Other Dawn*

                You remember correctly. Alison made a comment, maybe a couple years ago, that the open thread should be people asking for advice or prompting discussion, but it wasn’t really enforced. Then, possible a few months ago, there were complaints about the journal entries, venting, etc. and she said people can post whatever they want as long as they follow the commenting rules.

                The blue box she posted at the very top of the page is nothing new. That’s basically how it was always supposed to be.

              2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                Yes, this was the original format! And then I stopped tending to it as actively, largely because this is my weekend (and a little because I had mixed feelings about whether it really needed to be actively managed), and my philosophy became “just follow the commenting rules.” And now people’s input has convinced me to rethink what the format should be.

          2. Not A Manager*

            Regarding sci fi: Someone recommended Exhalation by Ted Chiang a few weeks ago, and I’m really enjoying it. It’s less “sci fi” than it is speculative fiction, but he’s a really good writer.

          3. pinkmints*

            I think you really misunderstood the goal of this new (experimental) format of the weekend threads… you might not like it, but I doesn’t really warrant such a massive overreaction. Plus, “scroll past” is never, and I mean never, a solution to avoid contect that’s potentially harmful. The issues that were pointed out are deeper than not liking some posters or some specific, harmless, kind of content. It’s surprising to me that even after multiple people explained this very well (including Alison), some are still not getting it. Nobody is discussing these changes AT SOMEONE ELSE.

          4. Wintermute*

            You can still do all those things, though. If you have a link you’d love to share, you just need to make it something people can engage with, rather than just throwing it out there. “here’s a cute thing I found, does anyone know why cats act like that?” “Here’s a cute thing I found, does anyone else have any great pictures of hedgehogs wearing boots?” “Here’s an inspiring thing I found. I like to use stuff like this to inspire me when I’m feeling like I’m running out of willpower, what strategies do you all use for keeping a positive mental attitude when things get tough?”

            No one has been told they cannot post anything at all. They’ve been told they can’t say “no advice wanted” and then attack people that try to engage with them. It’s not really that hard to factor any post so that it can generate some back-and-forth discussion.

          5. Melody Pond*

            Now that readers realize they have some power, where is the end of it? Are people going to complain that we have too many threads about wallabies? “Let’s make a rule against wallaby threads! Why not? Already got a rule against mongoose threads!” Yeah, I know it’s a silly example, but I’m trying to make a point.

            If I recall correctly, I believe this is the slippery-slope logical fallacy.

            Now when I post, I have to worry if someone is going to take offense to it and propose banning it. I have to second-guess myself much more than I normally do before I post, because it can, in some weird postmodern way, be labeled as “dark”.

            I… don’t think that’s what’s going on here. I don’t get the impression that people were taking “offense” to the blog-style posts. It seems more like a few people commented on how the increasing presence of those posts and how it changed their experience of the weekend thread. (To call that “taking offense” is, I think, a mischaracterization.) They gave Alison some feedback, Alison considered what she wanted for the weekend thread, and she then made a decision to try out changing some things in accordance with her goals. Seeing as it’s her site, it’s totally appropriate for her to decide how she wants to shape it.

            The bar seems pretty achievable and reasonable to me – just have the intention of some back-and-forth conversation with other commenters, in whatever we might post.

      3. RagingADHD*

        Yup, not everything on the internet is about you. Exactly.

        And, at least for this week, Alison decided that her portion of the internet is not about people who just want a free personal blog without having to put in the effort of creating or maintaining it.

        So the people who want to do that can take your excellent advice and walk on by.

        1. Jedi Squirrel*

          Late night response, and then I’m off to bed.

          I’ve always appreciated your insights, @RagingADHD. As I have many other people’s insights. It’s helpful to see things from other people’s perspectives, and often those are perspectives I wasn’t even aware of. This is one of the things that made me appreciate AAM so much.

          And as a POC, this was one of the few spaces where I felt safe. (Twitter? Uh, hell no! Facebook? Only if I take hours to tweak my privacy settings, because Facebook makes these things difficult. Real life? Double no!) I was able to connect to a lot of different people in a safe way here. But now it feels like it’s being policed by people who might be offended by the fact that I exist and feel things. God forbid I talk about the time I spent in foster care. Very depressing indeed. (And yes, I took an arrow for that once. And I was grateful to the AAM community who called that person out. For the first time in my life, I felt like that part of my life was valid.)

          I get that some folks just want to talk about sunny, happy things, like daffodils in bloom and baking bread. I have those same desires, as well. But sometimes life hands you sugar, and sometimes it hands you salt. I love to talk about the sugar, and sometimes I need to talk about the salt. As do a lot of other people.

          I realize the current setup is in beta, but today’s Saturday thread just devolved into a series of people asking questions. If I wanted that (and sometimes I do) I can get that on Stack Exchange. Sometimes I just want to hear how others are doing (or not doing), which is something I’ve only found here.

          And I do get that this is also a business decision on Alison’s part. (She has mentioned that ad revenue is down, and as a self-employed person she probably doesn’t qualify for UI or PPP, and I completely get that leve of worry.)

          But once again, I feel invalid.

          I’m off to find (again!) another home.

          3. TechWorker*

            I’m with you Jedi Squirrel.

            I *get* that AAM is not the best place for things that should be therapy questions. But to all the folks being like ‘its so much more open and friendly!!’ now – I mean.. maybe for you?

            I was excited cos we got kittens this weekend but that didn’t seem to fit the rules because its not asking for advice, it was just a little random event I would have liked to share my happiness for. I’ve also posted some fairly personal things here before (questions, not ‘I refuse to get therapy’) & got really helpful experiences shared in return. I find the rules more exclusive than inclusive.

            1. KiwiApple*

              But you could share your kitties in the future perhaps – when you do have a question about their food or play or mood or whatever.

            2. Thankful for AAM*

              Even without a pressing question, you could post, “I got new kittens, yay! Very exciting so far, this cute thing is what they are doing, and I’m always happy to get tips on anything new kitten related.”

              I’m sorry if Jedi Squirrel feels less welcome or is, as you say, the change is welcome only for some.

              It is not unreasonable that Alison gets to chose how her business runs. And it is not unreasonable for Alison to NOT have to moderate and do the emotional labor for us in threads that are usually 1,500 comments.

            3. Coco*

              Congrats on the kittens!! Wish there was a way to see kitten pics

              But I would think you could have a conversation about them? Like ‘yay I have kittens. I’m enjoying x about them. What Fun things did other people notice when they first got kittens’

              When you talk to people you know about kittens it is more of a conversation where you invite discussion? I think the rules change is more about interacting with others and less data dump.

            4. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Kittens! I don’t think this prohibits you from posting on them at all — my request is just that you do it in a way that seeks conversation, as opposed to just sort of logging the event. So talk about your kittens and ask for tips on helping new kittens adjust or so forth.

              1. TechWorker*

                Thanks Alison – I do appreciate I could have done this but it felt a bit forced/shoehorning it into the rules as I’ve got lots of kitten advice from friends and the internet anyway. Thank you for responding though :)

                1. RagingADHD*

                  -Do you have a cat? What is their name?

                  -Belly foof or toe beans, which is cutest – discuss.

                  -Best & worst of kittens vs mature cats.

                  -First meeting with your first kitten?

                  Inviting conversation doesn’t have to be asking advice. Just interaction.

                2. Deanna Troi*

                  Yes, you could have just said “tell me about your cats!” and I think you would have gotten a ton of responses. AAM readers love furry creatures!

          5. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

            Umm. Wow.

            I’m sorry, I think this reaction is waaayyyyy over the top. Alison is trying a two-day experiment with the comment section, and since it’s not exactly how you like it, anyone who does is not only invalidating you but also doesn’t want you to exist or feel things? That’s a really weird way to characterize a whole group of people who right now just want the interactions on this comment thread to have more… interaction. None of this is being done AT you. I’m sorry you have had a rough go of things, but that has literally nothing to do with what people are trying to say here.

            Flounce away if you want, I guess, but I just don’t understand why this is the hill you want to die on when the stakes are this low.

            1. Courageous cat*

              Well said, esp about the stakes being low. This is a minor, minor change of a minor facet of life. Saying this means people don’t want you to exist or feel things is a very outsized reaction.

            2. Avasarala*

              Totally agree. I don’t think it’s such a big ask to have posts on a community forum offer something to the reader instead of just for the writer. It sounds like what Jedi Squirrel wants is a diary.

              I don’t mind reading about serious things like foster care and racism and so on, but I’m not here to read a journal or a serialized story. All we’re asking is that posters think about their readers when they share something.

          6. Courageous cat*

            Goodness, Jedi Squirrel. Your opinion is valid as all opinions are, but you’ve had a very exaggerated and dramatic response ITT. No one is making you invalid because they’re asking you to engage with the community more. This is a very gentle and mild redirect of the weekend threads – that’s all. It’s not an attack on your character, or your wants and needs of a human being.

            I don’t mean to be mean because I understand what you’re saying in many ways, but I think you’d be happier if you stepped back and got a little perspective about exactly how major of a change this would be for you (or anyone). You can still participate in almost exactly the same manner.

            1. TechWorker*

              I think its worth reading this response in the light of some of the discussion last week which was imo actively unpleasant towards the folks who were doing these types of journalling post.

          7. sswj*

            You can still do all that. You are NOT invalid.

            You could start a thread asking how everyone’s week has been, and then outline your own.
            You could start a thread saying that you had a really great thing happen, tell us about it, and then ask others for a happy tale.
            You could start a thread saying you had the shittiest week ever, and would someone please give you some happy news/share a joke/tell you where to find kittencams etc.

            Hell, you could probably even start a thread saying how marginalized you feel, and ask what people’s reactions are to your comments.

            The point is to have a conversation, give and take, and that takes a bit more effort than just stream of consciousness writing. I’m sorry you feel put-on or excluded, I’m 99.999% sure that was not AAM’s intention.

    8. knead me seymour*

      Just to give my two cents here, I’m someone who comes more for the conversational style posts, but personally I’m not bothered by scrolling past anything I’m not interested in, and I’d rather do that than have others lose something that matters to them here.

      A possible compromise could be to ask those who want to leave a more narrative post (or one with more personal/sensitive details) to provide a short summary and then reply to that with the full details, so it’s easier to filter?

      1. Nessun*

        It would be rather nice if there was a max word count in initial comments, so the rest auto-hid, or if you had to post a long post as a second item. There are some very long posts sometimes! Not sure what’s possible though.

    9. Coco*

      I’m def liking this new format. Someone else phrased it earlier but it feels like we are talking with each other instead of at each other and it seems way more open and friendly.

    10. The Other Dawn*

      I’m loving the return to the original format and I hope it stays this way; this is how it was several years ago. I find I feel more engaged this weekend, which is something I haven’t felt on the weekend threads in a long time. And I find myself wanting to return to the thread more, because almost every post has a question or discussion prompt. I’m curious to see if there’s a question I might be able to answer or discussion I want to be a part of.

      I admit I’ve posted many blog-style posts and vented a lot over the last couple years, but I realize I really should be doing that on my own blog, not here. It shouldn’t be my weekly dumping ground for all the crap in my mind. It’s forcing me to post to my personal blog more, which is a good thing because I’ve neglected my blog for months on end. (Not that I have much of an audience anyway! LOL) If someone wants to do life updates or blog posts or whatever, people can start their own blogs and share their link here.

      Also, I don’t think “scroll past” is all that practical. Sure, if you know the people whose posts you definitely don’t want to read, that works. But lots of times someone who is new or lesser known makes a really long post and you can’t tell right away there’s no question or prompt for discussion.

      In the end, this is Alison’s website and it’s up to her how she wants to manage it. There’s absolutely no way to please every single person and she shouldn’t try.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s hard to scroll past someone who is struggling. Super hard.
        I think the wrinkle in this came when people who were really struggling said that they were venting and did not want advice. Hmm. It’s really tough to NOT get advice in this group. Really tough.

        I have caught myself thinking I should just scroll by a vent or journal entry but I think, well what if they have asked a question this time and I miss it, or worse, we all missed it. And I don’t always remember who is talking about what, so I end up reading the post in those instances also.

        It could be that I am just viewing things from my own lenses but I think most people have their losing battles (or are uphill battles all the way) that they are facing. It’s a relief to focus on things that can be fixed or things that might have a solution somehow. It’s a form of empowerment.

        In the end, I think that Alison is the one who sets the purpose for this space. We are in “her house” so to speak. I am a little concerned that some people might think that they should be able to decide how this space is used. Uh, it’s Alison’s house. If she doesn’t want a paisley sofa in the living room she doesn’t have to have one and we can’t tell her she should get one. Likewise she could say that this space is for seeking action plans and/or ideas about life stuff and that’s our answer. I feel bad when people say they cannot post here anymore but I have to wonder what their expectations were from this space that they feel they are not getting now.

      3. Anon for this*

        100% agree that it feels like the “old” open thread. And please take this with the kindness I intend it— I had scrolled by your “blog” posts in the past, but what you just said about this place not being your “brain dump” is spot on. Thanks for recognizing that! I won’t scroll past your name now as I’m interested in your contributions here to the overall community. Again, I hope this comes across as positive as I intend.

    11. Wintermute*

      I absolutely love it. I stopped reading the open threads some time ago because I felt like there was nothing for me to contribute to people that weren’t really giving any opening for input, but I actually read AAM on a weekend for the first time in months.

    12. LGC*

      You know, I didn’t notice until just now that this is now the “weekend open thread” instead of the “weekend free-for-all!”

      I’m not going to lie, I do miss hearing from some regular posters. But having that guideline…did help me write what I thought was a better post for myself, since I have a tendency to be a bit self-absorbed at times. I don’t think I want this to be an ongoing thing, though – if it makes sense, I should write better posts myself.

      Alternately, I know Captain Awkward gets referenced a ton here (and I’ve been responsible for at least 25% of the recent references), but…I almost feel like a “friends of AAM” forum might be the “solution?” I’m not going to lie, the comments section is a bit unwieldy for a lot of things – you can’t hide topline comments you don’t want to see, for example. (And I know that on Chrome…if you have collapse comments set, it’s very hard to reply to a comment and then return to that thread. And if I don’t have collapse comments set, the traffic in the comments section makes things extremely unwieldy for me very quickly.)

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I can see why people sometimes suggest this, but ultimately it’s too far outside what I want to do with the site. (I’d also guess that the topics Captain Awkward covers lead to people needing a place to chat more than a work advice site does.)

        It’s also stuck with me that the owner of the Offbeat Empire has said that creating forums was her worst business decision because it cannibalized her traffic from the places where she wanted it and turned into a monster that required constant resources.

        1. Wintermute*

          As an aside, the Friends of Awkward wasn’t set up by the Captain, and as far as I know it’s not officially endorsed, it just served as a very heavily moderated place for stuff that would be distracting, off-topic or just to engage more deeply with threads so that the actual CA post wasn’t overrun with a community debate.

          Which I think is a compromise between “official forums” and “just use the comments section” but I can totally understand concerns about cannibalizing traffic. Also, you have a brand to consider and having forums out there with people giving their own advice of varying quality may not mesh with that brand, moreso than CA who never intended to make a business of her column.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yes — it’s just not something I’m up for or would be comfortable having someone else run. It’s too far afield from what I’m trying to do here. This is a work advice site, first and foremost. There’s one weekend post for chat, and I don’t want to expand it beyond that.

            1. Jean (just Jean)*

              >This is a work advice site, first and foremost.
              That’s totally fair and we the readers can’t complain about your clarity or focus. We also have no right to demand that you spend yours of extra time to curate or prune the weekend comments.

              I am one who has come to view the weekend chat as a community to visit, but as nice as that is, it’s a byproduct rather than your intended objective when you started this site. I hope this doesn’t sound grouchy! Ask A Manager has wonderful workplace advice which has tremendously enlarged and improved my understanding of the workplace (specifically, the 21st century American office workplace). Your helpful information attracts intelligent and thoughtful responses rather than the sort of no-I’m-not/yes-you-are mudslinging that spoils so many other online comment sections. I’m grateful and I hope this continues.

              Perhaps the problem for some of us personal-interest readers and writers is that the workplace experience is partly shaped by what we and everyone else bring to it. It’s the intersection of work and life that has led to so many of the more personal comments and the habit of many to revisit specific individual narratives week after week.

              I will try my best to be a well-behaved commenter. If I don’t post my next long comment in the format of a long reply in self-response to an opening statement (with a warning re length and/or topic), please remind me. And thank you again for all that you do.

          2. LGC*

            True, and I forgot to note that Friends of CA is community-hosted. Ultimately, although there’s occasional cross-posting (and certainly cross-pollination), they’re both entirely different sites! (And different cultures.)

            I don’t know – I’m still really on the fence, because I do enjoy the look into different people’s lives. But…to be frank, I can definitely see how – for lack of a better term – the weekend FFA has turned into some people using it to blog. And given the limitations of the comments section, limiting those comments might be the best solution.

      2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        I hang out on Friends of Captain Awkward, but keeping that board as the kind of space the moderators want takes a lot of work by unpaid volunteers fitting it in around the rest of their lives. One of the ways that works is that they sometimes post things like “end-of-year slowdown” to let everyone know that moderation will be slower than usual.

        1. LGC*

          Yeah, I kind of glossed over it here because I was being lazy, but – yeah – I had literally had that structure in mind. And honestly, it would be something that I’d consider volunteering to do if that was asked of me or if it was wanted.

          Just to be clear, I don’t think that Alison should have to moderate all of this, and I should have stated that from the jump. But reading the replies here has made me rethink my stance on “hey, what if we just had a forum for this?”

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        I think a “Reads AAM but also wants to talk a lot about their feelings” forum is a touch superfluous when the CA forums exist – especially when a lot of these people are former CA commenters looking for somewhere else to vent after CA shut down her own comment section.

    13. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

      Count me in as someone who appreciates the human side of things, especially right now. If you don’t like it, just scroll past. Won’t hurt you a bit.

      1. Disco Janet*

        How are the current rules not human? Just asking for conversation type posts instead of blog type posts.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I think conversations with other humans is extremely pro-human.

        Expecting strangers to read one’s intensely personal ruminations without offering any comment other than praise or reassurance is not engaging with them as human beings. And that is what was happening far too often.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh my yes! I can think of a few times where Alison half kiddingly said something along the lines of asking this group NOT to give advice just isn’t going to pan out.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, I don’t know what Admiral Thrawn considers human interaction, but one of the ‘Human Interactions 101’ things I learned was “conversations shouldn’t just be you talking about yourself the whole time.”

    14. Trot*

      I’ve been enjoying this week’s edition more than the usual, and I think that’s partially because I’m a casual reader. With this trial format, it would be easier to drop in week to week and still be able to participate. (You don’t feel like you had to read the last five weeks’ of threads or whatever to be able to have enough context and history to understand a post or reply to it.)

      The journal / vent-y posts also tend to be the longest ones, which makes it harder to take the “just scroll past” advice that some folks are advocating, especially if you’re on mobile. It was difficult to find the shorter casual book / house / life conversations.

      I also find the conversational stuff less stressful than the vents; even if you’re just trying to read enough to know if this is one you want to skip, you pick up some of the stress.

      Since this is primarily a site about work, I think I subconsciously thought of these threads as water cooler talk. Which I enjoy! Conversation about life, culture with people I sort of know, but aren’t my closest friends or deepest social connections.

      1. Deanna Troi*

        I really like the water cooler talk perspective. As Alison said, this is first and foremost a work related site. At work, we chat around the office about casual things, like “what’s the best vacuum cleaner to pick up dog hair?” or “what TV shows do you watch?” or “any advice for training for a marathon?” But, it would generally be considered to be inappropriate to give a long monologue about all of the mundane things you did over the weekend or constantly discuss intensely personal mental health issues.

    15. Misty*

      I like it.

      I’ve spent less time on here this weekend so far, yet I feel like I’ve gotten more out of the time I’ve been on the open thread. It also feels lighter and like I’m less likely to step on people’s toes since most posts seem as if they are asking a specific clear question which makes it easier to know what they are looking for/hoping to discuss.

    16. Deanna Troi*

      I think the new format is so much better! I feel like the site had become quite cliquish. If you weren’t following the “soap opera” posts, then you would had no idea what was happening. There was no introduction to a lot of these diary type posts and I think it would be very off-putting to casual or new readers. I have been reading AAM faithfully for about 4 years and always read the Friday work posts. I often skip the Saturday ones, though, just due to lack of interest in those types of diary blogs and I have noticed that they have become more and more prevalent over the last or so. As others have said, I could just skip them, and there are certain user names whose posts I do always skip, especially if they look long, but new users wouldn’t know to do that. As others have said above, I think if you were new here, you might read some of those posts thinking that you might eventually come across a question, but just end up thinking “huh, I wonder what the point of all of that was?” I don’t put Hellmouth’s posts into that category because her posts were actually work related, and she often started them with a brief intro so that you weren’t totally lost.

      I realize that people have become friends here, but it is a work column, even though Saturdays are open for non-work topics. It just seems like it has become a dumping ground for some people to list the small things they’ve done, which doesn’t seem like an appropriate use of this column, even for the non-work thread. The same thing happened on a Weight Watchers thread I was on a few years ago (on the actual WW site), and it got to the point where no one was even talking about weight and was sort of turning into a mean girls clique.

      I also would like to chime in and suggest the Friends of Captain Awkward for those who enjoy posting or reading these soap opera diary type posts.

      1. Deanna Troi*

        Just swinging back around to say that for the first time ever, I read the entire weekend thread!! It is so so so much better!

    17. AnonForThis*

      I appreciate the change, for several reasons.

      – since the open thread was started, it’s swung more and more to vents (which are basically blasts of negativity) and long sagas about the bad things happening in people’s lives. Neither ask any sort of question, or want a dialogue, just sympathy. There’s are places for support forums, I’m not sure the comment section of a workplace blog is one of them.

      – I really appreciate the effort Alison puts into keeping the comment section a place that’s civil and on topic. If monitoring and disciplining the personal life story and venting threads is stressing her, or making too much work, it’s absolutely up to her to want to stop.

      – I’ve seen comments sections that were less well moderated that essentially shut out new participants (and interesting dialogue) in favour of off topic hanging out by regulars who dominated it. It took Alison a lot of work to keep that from happening in the regular comment threads, which I appreciate, but it might be happening here as well.

      – I personally prefer this thread as a place that people can ask practical questions of a diverse audience, rather than a personal support forum for regular readers of the site.

    18. heckofabecca*

      I’m really loving the new format!

      I have followed along with some people’s life-story posts week to week, but I think the new system makes a really positive difference. It means nearly every comment is a conversation starter or a reply of substance, basically! Which is great!

      To echo what others have said—you can tell your life story… and also ask a question to get conversation started too. I like the suggestion given elsewhere about framing a question/discussion starter in a comment and then replying to answer your own question (i.e. “This week I’ve been arguing with my SO about remodeling! How have you dealt with arguments about redoing your home?” and then a more detailed reply.).

      Thank you so much, Alison, for taking our input while working to ensure that this site is reflective of your mission. Have a great day!

    19. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I very much enjoyed the open thread because it was/is more conversational. I was motivated to participate more than I usually do because every OP posted with the intent of conversation, and it actually piqued my interest to read each OP post on a variety of topics. I also like the ideas of other places/threads/themes on the site somehow for life updates, vents, life announcements, etc. because I know those are also a source of good reading for a lot of folks here, myself included (if it was all together under a header of sorts). Cheers!

    21. StudentA*

      This is my first comment on the subject.

      I can’t really relate at all to the original complaint that spurred the decision. When I read it last week, I remember being irritated. I’m a regular reader. I read every weekend. I read the first sentence or two of a post and decide if I’m interested. If I’m not, keep it moving. In the end, it works out to me engaged in less than half of the posts. Big deal. The world DOES NOT revolve around me and what I want and need.

      If someone wants to vent, no skin off my back. I’m someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety. Instead of thinking, oh yikes, I don’t need that in my life, I think compassionately. That person is in a bad place. I just decide if I want to continue reading or not.

      And here’s my action related piece. I think there’s more harm in policing that than good. It’s a slippery slope. If I were in charge, I would not set a precedent of, we don’t like this type of (nonabusive, not inappropriate, not combative) post. I guarantee you it will keep coming.

      Not to mention those that will feel like they’re walking on eggshells. What a crappy feeling to have. I felt that just reading that message and many of the messages today. And I don’t usually post those kinds of posts.

      Lastly, it’s one less place someone who’s lonely will feel welcome.

      1. Fulana del Tal*

        I don’t think its compassion allowing people in a bad place to use the weekend thread as form of forced group therapy that was mentioned up-thread instead of getting the help that they need. Self mutilation, suicidal ideation, co-dependency patterns are way above our pay grade. Also people have been walking on eggshells. Any comment that wasn’t validating was accused of being unkind or not understanding. Suggesting therapy was met with snarky replies.

        I don’t understand how asking people to engage is conversations is harmful to lonely people and a slippery slope.

        1. StudentA*

          But Alison is already removing self mutilation and suicidal ideation posts. I agree this is not the place for that.

          1. Natalie*

            If and when she sees them they’re removed, but many of those posts hang around for a long time or are missed entirely, since there’s only one moderator and this is her weekend.

            1. TechWorker*

              If someone is really stressed about that & posting about it – do you really think the new rules will stop them? I’m 100% sure there’s a way to talk about those topics whilst ‘asking a question’.

              The complaints seemed much more specific than just that to be honest, & much more targeted at some individuals (though I’m gonna be honest & say I read back the threads & couldn’t really see what the big problem was, but then maybe I just already scroll past things that I’m not interested in)

              1. Natalie*

                I do. I think Wintermute said it well upthread that the content sets a tone, which encourages people to post in the same vein. I’ve been a reader and often a regular commenter for something like a decade, and the last year or two the tone in this weekend thread has shifted strongly and increasingly towards the blogging/venting/people in distress “no advice” posts. I know it’s made me post and read here less.

                Additionally, in a community where the guideline is “have a conversation”, I think it will be more comfortable to point the seriously distressed to professional help rather than getting sucked into an endless unhelpful (indeed often harmful) validation cycle.

      2. not an onion*

        Why would asking people to have conversational posts make lonely people feel unwelcome? I sincerely don’t understand this.

      3. ForOneDollar*

        I don’t understand this argument at all. How could asking posters to be conversational turn off lonely people? Isn’t that sort of the cure for it?

        1. TechWorker*

          Some of the discussion that prompted these rules was more around ‘why are people talking about sad things going on in their personal lives’. If some is word vomiting their feelings here because it felt the safest place to do it, I’m not sure that putting ‘what do you guys think?’ vs ‘no advice needed, just ranting’ on the end really changes it that much.

          That is, I’m not sure the rules will actually accomplish what those folks seemed to be complaining about – and folks who *did* make those sort of posts will feel more restricted to do so. (Or, make them under the new rules & feel worse about it when no-one responds… if you get no responses to a ‘vent’ post thats ok…?)

          1. Anonforthis*

            The problem is also that you can’t safely respond to those posts and it drives people away.

          2. Avasarala*

            I think the new rules will help with what people were complaining about, because you can’t do a 700-word story time every week and make it conversational (though I’m sure people will try).

            I think it will also help people focus their feelings and posts on the readers and what they want to get out of posting here. Do they want advice? Others’ experiences? Or do they want validation, and the clarity that comes from writing out one’s thoughts? In which case they should get a diary or their own blog.

      4. RagingADHD*

        Seeking genuine engagement or response from others is exactly what helps people be less lonely.

        Anonymous monologues that reject engagement or sincere response do not.

      5. StudentA*

        I’m replying to myself because the more I read these replies, the more upset and frankly angry I’m getting. I’ve been a reader since AAMs inception. I loved the forums here. I’d always loved how somehow AAM had a way of attracting some of the more tolerant, helpful posters I’d come across on any platform.

        But frankly I’m seeing some serious self centeredness. “Why should I have to read a couple of sentences to decide if I want to continue reading” type of attitude. This may be only a handful but it’s upsett.

        I have no personal stake as I didn’t follow most of those types of posts anyway. But I’m unimpressed with those thinking that the answer is to have more rules (!) so they can have a better reading experience.

        There are comments below saying things like, “I don’t have context on this persons history so I can’t comment.” Then don’t. The poster is not sitting around waiting for YOU to respond. I don’t have context either because more than likely I didn’t read their whole post, even though I’m here every weekend. Because I skip over what I don’t want to read.

        1. Anon for this*

          I’m sorry you’re getting heated. Here is my perspective. The self-centeredness I saw in the previous open threads, in contrast to what you’re describing, was the self-absorption that the Other Dawn and others have reflected on. That is, exploring the idea of using this space for a brain dump without regard for the community. Hope this is a helpful perspective.

        2. Deanna Troi*

          StudentA: I’m one of the people that commented that I think its a problem that you can’t follow many of the posts if you don’t know the backstory. I think you’re misunderstanding what some of us are trying to say. If I feel like I can’t comment because I don’t have enough context, then I feel excluded and unwelcome. To me, it is cliquish to post something that you know can only be understood by those who have been following you. When someone does that, they are essentially saying that they only care about regular readers and have no interest in interacting with new or casual readers. Do you think that the intent of this site is to have a group of people who are in the know, and others should just move along?

          1. Needless Policing*

            But why can’t you just skip over those posts? Does it really make you feel unwelcome to have to skim over two paragraphs and then go comment on a different thread that you can contribute to? There are a hundred threads going, you can find something else to engage with. The free for alls had something for everyone- can’t you find your something without taking away someone elses?

            1. Deanna Troi*

              Of course I can. But Alison asked what we thought, so I’m saying what I think. She is free to do whatever she wants with her own site and I’m fine with that. I would never had said all of this if she hadn’t specifically asked for input. What you think is just as legitimate as what I think, but they are both legitimate. Alison will weigh all of this, and either take it into consideration or not. Which is her right.

              My point is, as others have also mentioned, that these serialized diary entries set the tone for the entire site. My perspective is that it sends a message that this board is a bunch of regulars and if you haven’t been following along forever you aren’t welcome. If others were welcome, I think they would include a summary at the beginning to provide some context, inside of just jumping into it. Other people, including you, may legitimately not see it that way.

      6. Vic tower*

        I agree with you StudentA. I read every weekend, I like the vibe of this site and I don’t find it onerous to filter the posts myself for things I want to read about. I totally agree that Alison should make things however she wants but I don’t get where the original complaints are coming from, and my instinct is that a big picture view is better than specific rules. There are always going to be posts that irritate you – this is the internet! I think having a way to deal with that is better sourced internally than by requesting external moderation.

    22. Lena Clare*

      TBH I thought that this format (asking for advice/ questions & answers) has always been the format Alison requested, it’s just that it got a bit lost sometimes lately.

    23. Sara(h)*

      I prefer the new rules, but it also depends on the intended target audience for the weekend open thread. The issue with the “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts is that they make this forum feel (at least to me) very insular and less welcoming to newcomers or people who aren’t regulars. That sense of community which frequent posters are lamenting, can also be a deterrent for newcomers or less frequent posters.
      It’s not a black-and-white issue; it’s really about who is the intended audience and what is the intended purpose.

    24. NeverNicky*

      I’m enjoying the new format very much, it feels more conversational and for me more engaging. People are talking TO me, not AT me, which some of the more journal posts can be like.

      And as in real life, sometimes I’m fine with that, sometimes I don’t have time/energy and it’s certainly easier to scroll by than walk away from a person speaking.

      But … this is a work blog after all, and I see the community here more akin to work colleagues who we’re on friendly terms with, close knit enough to talk about personal stuff with (and the odd “did I really share that”?) but at the end of the day, we’re not out of work friends – you don’t know my name, or follow me social media.

      And I think to be conversational and collegiate, threads here need to be invite dialogue – and questions are the accepted form for this.

      This weekend does feel more like water cooler or coffee break chat, and I like this new tone.

      I’m sorry if people feel upset or excluded or even that this isn’t a safe space anymore. I don’t think the space or people have changed, just how the conversation starts.

    25. Myrin*

      Warning: Long post with several thoughts and observations because I can’t really be brief about something like this.

      So, I haven’t really participated in the last few weeks’ open threads because of one of my jobs’ picking up again (the other never left), so I missed the original thread which spurred this. I went back to read it and have to say I couldn’t really identify with the original complaint/commentary in the first place – I did not get the feeling at all that there’s a lot of serious mental health stuff being posted where, furthermore, the poster was just seeking validation.

      However, in reading the replies, I got the feeling that that might be more of a “me” thing than an actual fact – I’m very cavalier with just scanning comments or skipping them entirely and pretty willy-nilly-ly (ha!). If the first sentence of a comment is already something I have no interest in, I collapse the replies. If I don’t feel like reading a long personal post, I can see at one glance that a comment is several paragraphs long and I’ll collapse that one, too. Heck, gardening and gaming happen to be my most beloved hobbies, and yet I usually collapse those, too, unless I’m contributing something myself. Similarly, if someone talks about their feelings of worthlessness, I think “how sad” and scroll by that, too, without being affected by it other than in that one second of thinking “how sad”. But reading others’ comments, I realise that it’s apparently not that easy for others, and while I don’t understand it, it’s a valuable perspective to have and I’ll certainly keep that in mind.

      So much for that, and just as a general comment – I’m pretty sure that many people feel and act exactly like I do and as such don’t understand those who feel and act exactly the opposite. That’s point one.

      Point two is that I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want comments to be about asking questions or discussing ideas, but I do think it has the potential to be a bit restrictive. Not horribly so, mind you, but a little. For whatever it’s worth, I’ve always viewed this style – one of asking input from others – as the preferred one in keeping with the fact that AAM is an advice column, even if it’s advice from others. But I’ve also always liked the fact that if we so choose, we can stray from that a little.

      As a personal example: I usually post my comments in the weekend threads as questions because I genuinely want others’ contributations and ideas. So in general, I don’t think it would be a hardship for me personally to adhere to this should it become a new de-facto rule. However, I’ve certainly posted things which don’t fit in that category and I honestly wouldn’t know how to reframe them so that they would comply with a hypothetical “make it a discussion” rule. My most memorable personal example of this would be the time a few years ago where I was a witness in a case around teenagers stealing and ultimately crashing a vehicle. I posted five or six times in total about that over the course of I think half a year because things were unfolding in a rather bizarre manner before ultimately ending very anti-climacticly. What I did was post a one sentence summary of the situation and a link to my previous comment as the very first thing so that readers new and old could understand what’s been going on. I’m having a hard time thinking of ways to make little stories like these fit the proposed format – “Have you ever witnessed a car chase before?”; “What’s court procedures like where you’re from?”; “Don’t you love it when wannabe-criminals talk about their deeds in public?”; I could do that, of course, but it feels unsatisfactorily artificial to me, especially since my goal really was to relay a pretty amusing story to the readers of this site* without actually seeking input about anything. I don’t think it’s horrible if I wouldn’t be able to post something like this anymore but I’ve certainly liked that I could. (And, like I said, of course I could still do that if I then tack a question onto the end but, I mean, that would still obviously be me writing a blog-style comment and only thinly disguising it as something else which seems like it would defeat the purpose of a new rule around exactly this sort of thing.)

      I also think, more generally, that the premise of this is a little skewed: in being part of this comment section for the last six years and having observed it closely during all that time, I feel very confident in saying that even if you just stream-of-consciousness ramble something, people will give input no matter what, and, conversely, even if you ask a question, there will mostly just be several commenters adding their own two cents to the top comment without actually entering into a real dialogue with others. So IMO it’s not so easy as to say “ask question/seek discussion = real conversations ensue”.

      And as a more minor point, I feel like making it mandatory to end your comment in a specific question would actually have the potential to limit discussions because people will focus on that exact question without giving more general advice about a situation. (That, of course, could be circumvented by someone just relaying their situation and ending with “Any advice?” which some might do and others might not, especially depending on how exactly any new rules are spelled out.)

      (I’m also surprised by people saying that today’s comment section is super different from normal because of Alison’s top comment because… I honestly don’t think it is? The comments I’m seeing today are the same I’m seeing in every open thread because most of them really are questions of some sort and have always been. Although, of course, there are fewer of the rambly posts, naturally, and that might be what people are referring to.)

      So, where does that leave me, personally? Well, I’ll really roll with anything Alison decides to do – I don’t think it’s particularly hard to come up with a way to change one’s posts so that they’re more inviting of a discussion. I do, however, think that in last week’s conversation, several grievances were brought up in a way that made them feel interconnected when they really don’t have much to do with each other and it might prove hard to glean any underlying threads from that (but I feel like Alison did a pretty good job with that in the sticky comment at the beginning) and as such, hard to address.

      I think two good things to explicitly spell out would be something like: “It’s preferred that commenters actually ask for advice on something but stuff won’t be deleted if they don’t.” (similar to the “give actionable advice” rule for normal threads, just in reverse) and “For longer posts, please provide a one-to-two sentence description up top as well as – if applicable – warnings about sensitive or potentially upsetting topics”. Obviously phrased more nicely with Alison’s Word Powers.

      * And I really do mean the readers of this site in particular. I have a personal tumblr where I could theoretically post stories like these no problem and sometimes do so, but I feel a stronger connection to the readership on this blog than I do to my less-than-200-tumblr-followers, where almost all of my closest friends left years ago and others simply don’t feel like engaging with me. Which is totally fine, but I like that in the AAM community, I’ll almost definitely get even just a few replies which then let me have a few nice little virtual conversations making my weekend slightly brighter.

      1. LGC*

        Read the entire thing, but pulling two paragraphs:

        Point two is that I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want comments to be about asking questions or discussing ideas, but I do think it has the potential to be a bit restrictive. Not horribly so, mind you, but a little. For whatever it’s worth, I’ve always viewed this style – one of asking input from others – as the preferred one in keeping with the fact that AAM is an advice column, even if it’s advice from others. But I’ve also always liked the fact that if we so choose, we can stray from that a little.

        I kind of agree with that! The weekend FFA was more like “AAM after dark,” and it feels freeing to see more free-form posts and discussions.

        On the other hand, I totally get the fact that just because you or I found a solution to deal with things we don’t like or that upset us, it shouldn’t be incumbent on everyone else to do the same (within reason). Also, Alison is not obligated to host a blogging service in her comments.

        (I’m also surprised by people saying that today’s comment section is super different from normal because of Alison’s top comment because… I honestly don’t think it is? The comments I’m seeing today are the same I’m seeing in every open thread because most of them really are questions of some sort and have always been. Although, of course, there are fewer of the rambly posts, naturally, and that might be what people are referring to.)

        Although, I’m wondering…maybe part of it is that people are more encouraged to engage now? I’ve read some of the other replies, and it seems like the diary posts made people not want to engage at all. Plus, the volume on this bus of comments to this point is astronomical compared to normal (like 1600+ comments – weekend threads average around 900 or so by Sunday morning ET, and it’s not a holiday in the US).

        The more I think about it, the more I think there might be a place for the Rebeccas of the comments section – a more moderate version of this rule, where posters should be open to discussion and mindful of comment length, would be an ideal compromise. You still get to hear about the trials and tribulations of her mom if you so wish, but it’s not taking up multiple pages of scrolling. (Sorry Rebecca, I love you and your stories about your mom! But your posts can get long!)

        1. Deanna Troi*

          Responding to LGC – But isn’t it up to Alison to determine if there is a place for it? If she’s concerned that this is veering away from the intent of HER site, for which she pays and manages, she is entitled to do something about it.

          Also, and I’m not directing this against any one person, but those long diary style posts can feel exclusionary to those of us who are more casual readers. Its great that so many people have become friends and are supportive of each other, but that can turn into a more closed group where people who just drop by feel as those they aren’t welcome to participate become they don’t know the backstory. Those bloggers seem to be only interested in interacting with those who have been following them all along.

      2. Natalie*

        I don’t have a pithy way to boil this down to a commenting rule, but I don’t think comments have to end with questions to fit the idea of “have a conversation”. If you think of the dinner party analogy that Alison has used before, you might tell a crazy story like your witness story at a dinner party and people would be interested and entertained, and it might prompt discussion.

        Independent of the content of the monologue, someone who spends every party talking at length about the same issues with the in-person attitude of “no advice” isn’t a very good dinner guest. I actually know someone like that in real life, who cannot get off the topic of his business. It’s a very successful business and could be interesting conversation fodder, except he is not interested in anything except a pair of ears to drone at.

        1. Washi*

          Yes! Someone above mentioned that they had wanted to post a cute cat thing but felt like they couldn’t. I feel like posting something like that does fall within the spirit of the commenting rules, even if it didn’t have a literal question with a question mark. My understanding is that posting a cat thing and adding “awww responses only, please no advice and no dog people saying that puppies are cuter” is what Alison is trying to avoid, but just posting something others might find interesting to comment on would be fine.

          I guess I don’t see all of this as anything too different, just a reset of some norms that it seems like evolved away from the original intent of the open thread. I like the idea of a “life stories” thread to collect all the blog post type updates, and that plus generally being more mindful about how we post seems like it would resolve most of the issues.

      3. Bewildered lately*

        I also really enjoy the stories/updates on life threads; I feel that tacking a question on would become the (unsatisfactory) answer for those brave enough to continue; and I feel that this week’s thread was almost no different to previous threads!

        1. Morningstar*

          It’s barely a change at all, so why not embrace it? I think the intent is partly for posters to simply be open to getting a response. As long as the response is polite/kind, that’s a very reasonable expectation. It doesn’t even have to ask a question, just be open for conversation.

      4. Morningstar*

        Your post can be a follow-up. So if you asked a question like, do you think I should report these teens or have you ever been a witness to a crime, in your initial post (which you probably did or easily could do) then updated everyone on the process/results … that would be in keeping with the rules.

    26. A.N. O'Nyme*

      At first I was sort of on the fence because my threads we’re kinda requests for updates (albeit for very specific hobbies) and didn’t always have a chance to engage with the responses, but I definitely think the new format works pretty well. I do agree with the complaint that if you hadn’t been following some of the long-running threads it was difficult to jump in due to lacking several weeks of context, and coming to an advice blog for not-advice is a bit strange. I can understand a need to vent, but this is definitely not the place to vent without getting advice.

    27. KiwiApple*

      Absent of being able to “see less” of a several long winded paragraphs comment, I also feel like asking those posting to provide a summary isn’t too much of an ask of a commenter.
      Commenters should be kind and not expect everyone to know the full backstory – it’s totally unrealistic.
      Multiple names being used by the same commenters is confusing and again, unrealistic for all people to know all the time. I do agree that using the name to describe the post useful e.g. shopping debt help
      I find this weekend’s thread so much better than the ones before it. It is much cleaner and less cluttered even though it has the same amount of comments as usual.

      1. Deanna Troi*

        I agree with this, even for the Friday thread. It is annoying to have someone write “here’s an update” and then just jump into it with no context. As I wrote above, it feels cliquish to me and sometimes makes me feel like since I’m casual reader the posts aren’t meant for me. The writers are obviously only interested in interacting with the hard core readers.

        It would be nice if there were a rule that if you give an update, your post needs to start with a summary, for both the Friday and weekend threads.

    28. Thankful for AAM*

      I’m confused about the context for the change. I do see lots of, “I’m just venting” posts on the weekends. But it did not register as a change to me. Was there a specific thread that brought all this to a head? I did read last weekend’s open thread but could not find anything. Thank you.

      1. LJ*

        Someone last weekend posted saying that they were concerned about people posting about their mental health problems on the weekend threads and then it morphed into other people talking about other (and valid mostly) concerns.

      2. Disco Janet*

        How long have you been a reader? I ask just because those kind of threads weren’t common on here at all whe I started reading – The past couple years it’s gotten a lot more serious and heavy (like, we all have serious heavy stuff occasionally, but the same serious heavy topics on a weekly basis), more people who don’t want advice and get upset if it’s offered, more vents, more rants – it used to be just light water cooler type conversations. Which always seemed to make sense since it’s a workplace blog. But it has heavily shifted, and apparently if you want that back you’re attacking and making the people who need a place to vent feel badly. I need to vent sometimes too, and update on heavy life happenings! But this used to be a place for light chatter that did not suck me into one of the anxiety/depression spirals I’m prone to – just friendly weekend chatter that was a nice distraction from other aspects of life. And I’ve sad to see it change, and am frustrated to be characterized by some as unfeeling for feeling that way.

        Not saying you are characterizing me/it that way, of course! Just in general. I don’t think there was a specific thread – more of a general pattern. And the pattern has been more and more noticeable as many of us who miss the light chatter have left or stopped reading the weekend threads as regularly. So you’ve had more of the light water cooler type chat people leaving due to the comments, and more people who want a place to vent and unload noticing this now seems like a good place for that, and sticking around.

        Ultimately, it’s up to Alison to decide what kind of tone she wants (or is okay with, anyways, for the sake of not having to spend her whole weekend moderating to achieve the tone she wants), and either way some people will be unhappy. There isn’t anything inherently WRONG with either style, but there will always be some people who are unhappy with whatever she decides. Admittedly, I’ll be unhappy if things keep going how they were before this weekend, and I will probably step back from the weekend threads. But obviously that’s just me doing what works for me – some people will find themselves in that boat no matter what she decides.

        I do hope people read and realize the blog/vent posts did NOT used to be allowed. It’s funny in an ironic way to me that people are upset about the idea of this new rule, and think things should stay the same as they ‘have always been’ – except they haven’t. We’re literally going in a big circle here that will hopefully stop, for better or worse, once Alison decides which tone/type of conversation she prefers (and what works best without real moderating because that can be a total time waster.)

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          This is what’s been getting me for this whole conversation. I’ve been reading here for several years, and I recall when the weekend thread was introduced, and it was a very enjoyable place to discuss non-work topics, almost exactly the same tone you would strike with coworkers you were friendly with.

          In the past year there has been a huge shift in tone towards very personal posts, ongoing sagas, and it feels very unfriendly in its own way. I’ve been a reader here under different names for at least five or six years, and in the last year I’ve found myself less and less interested in the weekend threads because they seem so cliquey. And when the weekend thread is taken over by that, it gives a very offputting message to new readers. I’m all on board for the change this weekend. It’s been far more enjoyable and welcoming.

    29. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I feel that now the community is quite large, it isn’t reasonable to keep the same rules as when it was smaller. It becomes hard to find the needle in the haystack.

      I think there may be a parallel with conference Q&As, where a moderator shuts down “this is less of a question and more of a comment”. There’s like a hundred people in line to ask a question and if we take too many just-comments then people won’t stick around for the actual comments.

      So yes definitely give the background for your question, and I like the suggestions to put long context in a reply so those on Collapse can more quickly scroll through, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to require that there be a genuine question or talking point for replies to focus on.

    30. Mindovermoneychick*

      Count me as another who loves reading Rebecca”s updates and hopes we can find a way to keep posts like that.

    31. LibbyG*

      I’m definitely in favor of this shift. I think there’s plenty of space with these parameters for both lighthearted threads (most spectacular baking fail!”) and difficult ones (“I’m struggling with pretty much every area if my life, and I don’t know what to do.”)

      I hope this guideline stays, both because it benefits the weekend thread and because it’s likely to change the tone of weekday comments. I’ve largely stopped reading those because it seems like the simple expressions of outrage and attempts at clever burns were crowding out the efforts to bring multiple experiences and perspectives to bear on letter-writers’ dilemmas.

    32. Rebecca*

      Thank you for the kind comments, it means a lot. Everyone is so kind here, I can remember commenting or trying to join other groups to discuss life things and wow, it was awful for the most part. I always read down through all the posts on the weekend, it’s such an interesting look into how other people live and to see different issues people face and how they handle them. Please keep the book recommendations. I’ve branched out to different authors and genres based on them.

      1. Morningstar*

        The feedback here could encourage you to start your own blog of life updates, but I think there’s also plenty of room for you to keep talking to people

      2. Bluesboy*

        I know I’m probably too late for the party. But there was another commenter (Gold Digger) who I loved the writing style of. She linked to her blog in her username, and I started reading it, because I enjoyed it.

        A lot of people have said that they enjoy reading your posts. Maybe you could do the same? That way you still participate in this community, just posting your own blog entries that (if the change sticks) won’t be permitted here any longer.

        Gold Digger changed her blog address/ title and I lost it when I changed computer. It’s driven me crazy for years now! So I do believe you could find a readership (although of course it takes time)

        1. Schmitt*

          Years! You should have asked in a weekend thread! ;)

          I don’t know if the Gold Digger blog is still up, but she now blogs until Texan in Exile, link in reply.

    33. Ask a Manager* Post author

      So here are my thoughts after day one of this experiment and after reading people’s input above (and thank you to everyone who is taking the time to give input).

      I want to ask all readers to appreciate this: In any scenario here, someone will feel they’re losing something. Some people feel they’re losing something with this weekend’s change. And if I change nothing, some people feel they’ve lost the older style of the thread — many people have already commented to say that they felt it had been lost in the last year or two.

      People have pointed out that there are some posts that wouldn’t fit with this weekend’s format, and that we will lose those. We were also losing posts with the other format, from people who were less inclined to participate because of it (or who never stuck around at all because they didn’t like the tone).

      So given that no matter what format the thread is in (including not changing at all), some people will feel they’ve lost something, the questions for me are: What is best for the site overall? What do I want the weekend threads to feel like and contain? What do I want them to feel like to new readers as well as older ones? How do I want them to fit in with the rest of the site, given its primary mission? What moderation work will I need to be willing to do to make that happen?

      For me so far, this weekend’s format has aligned better with what I want in all those regards.

      But again, whether the format changes or not, something will be lost. The choice isn’t between “losing things” and “not losing things.” We lose things either way.

      I’m still thinking, though, and still happy to hear input. (And to be clear, I’m not posting this to say “decision made” halfway through the weekend, but to share what I’m thinking after reading everyone’s thoughtful comments above.)

      1. brightstar*

        So, I love these changes because it does bring it back to what the open threads used to be like a few years ago. I’ve been reading this site since 2010 and used to comment more often. Lately I felt absolutely locked out of the ability to comment since I didn’t know the complete backstory of a poster and I’ve seen people get attacked for not knowing details that were shared in the past. And to me it seemed in order to participate here that you had to spend hours every weekend to keep up, and I personally don’t have that time. So that was another reason to not comment, read, or participate. The conversational format makes it easier to dip into the threads.

        2. New Bee*

          Agree with liking this format and how it’s played out this weekend and appreciate folks who’ve compared this to water cooler/dinner party talk. Also, there’s nothing stopping people who want to write and read journal-style posts from doing so, either on their own platform or on an existing one designed for that purpose.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The number of posts is way up. Good for traffic numbers but bad for moderation work.

        This could be short-sighted, but it looks to me like there are many definitions of how to use this space. Unfortunately some folks’ definition did not match other people’s definition. Perhaps it’s clearer to say that different folks read and post here for different purposes. And the next thing that is in line with this is people’s expectations from this space.

        I bet if you asked what people expected to see here you would get many, many different answers.

        I do think that the pandemic brought the harsh realities of life to the foreground. While not the total explanation, I think people are experiencing new levels of desperation and perhaps that is some of what we are seeing. Now we have more upsetting news on top of Covid. I do think that AAM can provide a safe place for practical/actionable advice on difficult topics.

      3. Thankful for AAM*

        I am not attached to the journal style posts, I can scroll past but they are often looong! I do have concerns about the ones that request medical type help or where the person seems to be in danger or depressed/suicidal. Even in health/cooking/nutrition groups I am in, the rules is no asking for medical advice. Maybe we can find a way to say, a standard answer in this forum to intense emotional stories is, “I’m really sorry that is happening to you but I’m an internet stranger. The best I can offer is to encourage you to find help from a counselor or lawyer. I wish you the best!” I kean, normalize that answer as we do with things like feedback from a supervisor.

        If the journal style posts stay, I would like it to be easier to scroll past them. I really like the existing posts that start with, “gaming thread” or “running thread” in the first line. I know to read or scroll past. Can we suggest people put a tl;dr type line at the top – “life update” or “more about my x situation”?

        I also like the suggestion to limit the view of each post to 5 or 10 lines, so we can scroll more easily. Not sure if that is technically possible.

      4. anon attorney*

        A couple of thoughts:-

        If I were one of the people who had posted blog-style personal postings I’d be feeling a bit sore right now. I guess I’m projecting some, but I would like to say that I think discussion about what the forum ground rules should be (which is actually a healthy thing for any community to do from time to time) does not necessarily mean criticism or judgment of the people whose postings have prompted that collective reflection. It was generally not my choice to read that type of post, but that doesn’t mean the people who wrote them don’t have feelings, and I hope none of yours are hurt just now.

        I personally would prefer the tone of this site to be work and work-adjacent, in the sense that my ideal open thread is kinda in the territory of discussion one might have with good work friends over a glass of something – not work related as such and certainly not personality- or emotion-free but also not the kind of thing you might raise with your therapist or your BFF. I value Captain Awkward’s site and admire her writing but I am not a huge fan of the forums and I really do not like the concert hall stuff (which is fine all round – I don’t read them and nobody gives a &%$ either way; like they care what I think, nor should they) and I would prefer not to reproduce some of that content or tone here. If I want to engage with that type of writing, or produce it, I can go elsewhere to do so. Equally, if it is collectively decided that this kind of writing is OK then I am fine with that and will just gloss over it in my reading as I have been doing but I can understand why Alison wants to have this debate because it is a question of the vision and atmosphere she wants to create for this site and the traffic she wants to encourage – not to mention moderation time. I continue to be amazed by the willingness of people like Alison and Jennifer to sift through the rantings of absolute strangers to curate a usable online space for people and I don’t want that to be any more onerous than it needs to be.

        1. Disco Janet*

          To your first point, I’ve really struggled with the wording on some of my posts because I’m not trying to hurt feelings or sound like I’m targeting anyone. But if the conversation is about what types of posts people don’t feel like this is a good place for…I guess I’m not sure how to answer that question, or participate in that conversation, without inevitably hurting someone’s feelings.

          And then I question if “don’t hurt anyone’s feelings” is a worthy goal. I want to say it is. I’m someone with lots of empathy who is just absolutely drained by all the horrible things people are going through right now. But I also think sometimes people need reality check. If you’re posting about the same problem every week and you continue to ignore the excellent advice you’re being given that might help because you don’t want to work on the issue, you just want to vent (over and over and over)…at some point I think it is a kindness to stop dancing around it and be blunt with the person – even if it is going to hurt their feelings! Tougher to judge online than with in real life people – just thinking this through out loud as I’m curious about what others think, and how to walk that line between kindness and validating unhealthy trains of thought.

          1. anonforthis*

            I agree with you, it’s tricky. For m, I believe the excellent Terry Pratchett had a quote about being nice versus being kind, and how they are not the same thing. A lot of people here say they are striving for kindness, but I think that while it probably feels/appears very nice of them to encourage this type of posting, it is not kind.

        2. TechWorker*

          Not at all aimed at disco Janet, I’ve not been like, writing down names, but some of the posts have felt pretty cruel, regardless of intention. (I mean, I trust *your* intention but some of them felt deliberately so)

      5. Millicent*

        May I ask why the post by Shrunken Hippo below is still allowed to stay? I’m not trying to be a jerk; I’m just seeking clarification. That kind of post to me is what you asked not to have this week, but I may be missing a nuance somewhere.

        Whatever you decide, I would just want the rules applied as equally as possible. I’m not very attached to the journal style, no feedback wanted posts, but I did notice that certain regular posters of that type did NOT post this weekend. I would just feel bad if they did not post because they were obeying the rules but then other people were allowed to post the same kind of thing.

        1. GabbySocks*

          I second this. I didn’t want to be a jerk and flag it, but i don’t understand how it is not exactly the kind of post that was not supposed to happen in the new format? Or maybe Alison has not seen it?

      6. Deanna Troi*

        Alison, I have another suggestion. I hope you don’t mind – you asked for input on a topic and you’re getting comments on a wide variety of things! But if you’re thinking of revisiting the rules, you might want to think about asking people to put details about common trigger issues as a response to their initial comment. That might help some of the concern about triggering. They could just say “warning, this is about depression” in their parent comment and then put the details as a response to themselves. The way many people are doing it now, where they give a warning then leave a few blank lines, doesn’t really work. I read really fast, and no matter how quickly I try to scroll past something, I can’t help but read a lot of it. I really like the way Captain Awkward does it: “behind a cut for x.”

        Thanks for running the best advice column I’ve ever read and for being willing to truly listen to feedback!

      7. sswj*

        There have been a lot of folk who say it’s easy to just collapse all & scroll past the stuff you don’t want to read. Well, I used to do that but then I’d get tired of scrolling and usually found the whole thing boring and would just not read on the weekends. There was so little context for anything, and no real reason for me to chime in. I think if there had been (or is in future) a single Personal Updates thread the way there is/was for books, games, and gardens, it would make it easier all around. Those who need to write their stresses out to deal with them can do that, those that like keeping tabs on the journal-type posts can still have them.

        Ultimately this is Alison’s site, and one that is dedicated to problem solving and learning in the business world. It does not seem out of bounds to me that she wants to keep it as a learning/problem solving site and just extend the reach of that aim a bit on weekends. Her site, her efforts, her direction.

        I like this ‘encourage engagement’ format very much indeed.

      8. Book Lover*

        I’m writing this very late, but I have been thinking about how to organize what I think. I am really happy with the changes this weekend and would prefer for them to be permanent.
        I used to spend quite a bit of time on the forum on the weekend. I had gotten to the point of barely glancing at them or looking for a couple of specific posters. And that is fine, I had decided I couldn’t ignore the pain in a lot of the posts but also didn’t have the ability to resolve anything and have enough of my own struggles that I couldn’t tolerate seeing so many upsetting posts, so I just avoided it. It may have only happened once or twice, but it feels like regularly there were posts from people asking what was the point of living, and similar, and it didn’t feel healthy.
        Of course I could scroll past, but I am a really fast reader and I would see these posts and they would just stick with me and I wasn’t up for it, even as I tried to move past them.
        A lot of people have brought up Rebecca. Which is funny, because she is the last person to come to mind in this – she is someone who took a difficult situation and made massive changes to her life. And while in difficult circumstances she supports others and posts about the good things that she is doing constructively. Perhaps Rebecca won’t post any more, but I would follow her blog or instagram if I had the opportunity.
        But most of the blog style posts I did skip, and if new rules would change the feel of the forum I would be all for them. I would also love for people to stick to a username as far as possible, but that is a separate (related to mental health though?) issue.

      9. Anon Ever After*

        I’m really sad that you feel like this is working Alison. I loved the free for all’s, and I don’t feel comfortable posting after the change. Not changing it at all doesn’t mean anyone is losing anything- it means people should collapse all and scroll past what they don’t want to read. I feel like the commentariat is AAM is a really great thing and it loses a lot by forcing this new rule.

        1. sswj*

          If you read what I wrote above, the amount of scrolling IS the issue, for me anyway, collapsed or not. She is not saying you can’t post here, just to please reframe the way you post. And ultimately it is her site, she is the one putting the thought, time, and effort into it, and she has the final say on how it looks and what it is to be.

        2. Courageous cat*

          You don’t feel comfortable posting? You can truly participate just as much as before, you just now have to be a little more pointed and thoughtful about it. People are less inclined to participate when they have to wade through a lot of journal-style posts, so that’s what she means by saying things are lost either way.

          I’m getting more and more perplexed as I come back to this thread by some of the over-the-top/hyperbolic responses. No one’s being locked out of a safe space and thrown into the cold here. The good news is that everyone can still participate just as much as they did before.

      10. The Other Dawn*

        Lots of people mentioned they will miss the life updates and blog-style posts. For those of us that have a blog, or those who want to start a blog, is it possible to bring back the URL field when posting our user name? I know you took it away because many people were using it to link to articles and it was getting out of hand, but maybe bringing it back and having a rule around its use will prompt people to use that field correctly. Then readers could go to that person’s blog if they want to read life updates and things like that.

        So many people are saying they like or don’t like the “new” format. This isn’t new. This is the way it was when it first started back in late 2013/early 2014 and remained until about two years ago. And while the tone has shifted due to COVID-19, the overall tone started shifting way before that. It just became darker in the last few months.

      11. Courageous cat*

        My opinion would be to keep with it for a couple weeks. I imagine there’s not a pressing need to make a decision right away, but even the naysayers can’t be too put out for a few threads’ worth of experimentation. If participation is increased, or people come around to find they’ve enjoyed it more despite their initial reaction (which, if Facebook over the years is any indication, always tends to skew negative to *any* change), that will make itself apparent in time.

        I suspect that if you were to create a thread asking for input at the end of June, there might be a lot more appreciation of it.

    34. Plush Ox*

      I love the change. The most off-putting thing about the weekend threads was how many people were using them for pointless journaling, without any receptivity to feedback, ideas, advice, etc. Not all comments, but many, seemed to be just an updated way to keep a journal, but we “audience” members couldn’t even comment because the OPs weren’t looking for advice. I don’t enjoy being a witness to painful situations that I have no hope of helping. So I support the request to focus comments so they are conversations, not venting.

    35. YHGTBK*

      I really enjoy some people’s describing their lives (Rebecca, the woman who refers to her children as Dragons, people describing their lives with cancer etc). I whizz by the other posts looking for them. It seems a form of connection and a type of very extended family, particularly nice in this current time. It also seems that the regular posters, such as Rebecca, offer something to others while the question posts are about asking. I have no difficulty skipping past posts/threads that don’t interest me, and hope we return to the old system and those who do not enjoy those posts do the same.

      1. Disco Janet*

        To me, the “old system” is the one that doesn’t allow vents/blog type posts since that was the original way the weekend threads worked for years – it’s only been different the last two or so for lesser moderating, and it spiraled from there.

        I know what you mean – just pointing out that different readers have different perspectives on what, to them, is the old way. Just depends on how long you’ve been a reader.

    36. Not A Manager*

      Immediately under this thread, there’s an update from Evening Star regarding her post last week. Last week’s post was a question; this week’s post is an update. I really appreciated reading it. I’m happy to know that she found a solution that feels safe and right for her, AND I’m also happy to hear the narrative conclusion of a “to be continued…” situation last week.

      But there’s no question at the end, and honestly it doesn’t invite much response other than “good for you, thanks for the update.”

      Is that the kind of post that would be disallowed under the proposed rules?

      I have to say, speaking only for myself, that I find gardening threads and baking threads to be of limited interest. To the extent that they are interesting to me, what I really appreciate is when people circle back and tell us what advice they took, how it worked out, whether their partner or their cat enjoyed it, etc.

      If the weekend thread is going to turn into “where can I buy a raincoat for my cat, thanks” I think it’s going to be a lot less interesting.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Nope, that post is fine. From the rules at the top of the page: “updates on things you received advice about in the past are also fine.” (I also appreciate that she included a link to her past post so people had context if they wanted it — a summary sentence or two would be even better!)

    37. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m sad to learn of this – I was too busy to participate this weekend, but came here before going to bed tonight specifically to search for the blog-style updates from some of the regulars.

      I feel like the weekend life updates are part of what makes this feel like a community. This is one of the very few sites I read comments on, and part of that is that I feel like I’ve had a chance to get to know other commenters.

  58. Evening Star*

    Hi! I’m not even sure anyone will read all the way to here, but I wanted to follow up on my last week’s post (https://www.askamanager.org/2020/05/weekend-free-for-all-may-23-24-2020.html#comment-2987003)

    Everyone who chimed in, thank you. You helped me see that rationally, this WOULD BE a great decision — in different times. After sending the deposit (and writing the post), I spent the weekend curled up in bed in anxious panic, feeling cornered by circumstances that I brought upon myself. After some heavy soul-searching, I distilled out of it that despite some crazy people in the household, this is actually the place that makes me feel safe and secure, and even comfortable. And I don’t feel ready to leave it now, not before I get to know the city better and meet more people and will generally know my way around. And I had a call with my friend who rents the place to me and I can stay at least until September, maybe longer. So I cancelled on Monday, likely to lose the deposit and had to explain myself in the company, but overall, I feel calm and content.

    Ultimately, the biggest reason to stay was paradoxically my total paralysis over being alone in a place. In this whole world crumbling, not being alone feels very high on the list of needs. Ability to save up rather than spend and sticking to a current comfort zone are close second.

    What helped me, if you ever find yourself in a relatable situation:
    – Look at how I feel and not what I think. The place was great, but given the market situation, big FOMO was pushing me into taking it.
    – As dull as it sounds, listing pros and cons, because looking at the pros of the new place, this place has most of them too plus some extras (like saving a lot of money before the situation is clearer)
    – Look at what I need NOW. It’s not following a pre-corona plan that fits into pre-corona world.
    – And just generally, I could see that I’m just way too rationalising and way too loud, so I laid how I felt against other times when I felt like this (aka totally panicked and for no obvious reason threatened) and the solution emerged. As a result I ended up with more time to decide when I’ll be ready.

    Last but not least, my friends who were rooting for me and in love with the place were just as understanding when I shared the reasons I decided to stay. And, I’m proud of my intuition that I freaking listened to even though it was difficult and not my first choice. But, in the end, I decided I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, especially myself.

    Once again, thank you.

    1. Thursday Next*

      I’m glad you were able to reach a decision that feels right. I really like your advice, particularly about considering how you feel rather than think, and prioritizing your current needs.

      I know for me it’s antithetical to how I usually make important decisions, which is to look at the long term rather than the present. I have some decisions I’ve been wrestling with, and this will be helpful. Thank you.

      1. Evening Star*

        I don’t think that how I feel necessarily only reflects this moment. In my case, I was looking at a mid term solution as well — staying here, saving up money until the end of the year, getting to know the city better — all these are factor weighing into long term planning because I will want to move at some point and make an informed decision. Also, now I’m pretty sure I’d be anxious most of the time in the new place.

        We can only decide on what we know at the given moment.

        Whenever I made important decisions based on how I felt about them, I ended up in a good place. More often than not, anxieties and insecurities, coupled with very loud reasoning why something is a good decision, point at something we know deep inside but refuse to admit to ourselves.

        Good luck with your decisions!

  59. nep*

    Anyone use drops for dry eyes? What’s been your experience? Significant relief?
    My optometrist recommends it. I always prefer to address something ‘from the inside’–nutrition, water, sleep–rather than go straight to an outside substance that I’ll eventually ‘depend” on. I bought them but I’m holding off.
    I gather dry eye can come with menopause, and I am there.
    Doc thinks the drops would complement other things I’m doing to ease eye strain.

    1. nep*

      (I wonder if the type of eye drops is an important factor–he recommended (and I bought) hyabak 0.15.)

    2. Stephanie*

      I used them somewhat regularly when I lived in Phoenix. I think my mom started using them heavily around menopause as well. Usually drinking enough fluids will fix most dry eye issues. I found they helped when I was really dried out though. I can’t remember the brand I used (it wasn’t Visine).

    3. Ranon*

      My husband uses a very basic one (essentially just the same as tears, nothing to make him make more tears). His eyes just don’t really make tears and he’s otherwise a very damp person so it’s not like better hydration or anything would make a difference- some stuff you just can’t bootstrap. They do make a difference for him especially during allergy season.

    4. I hate the offseason*

      My eye doc has me taking fish oil. I have prescription eye drops though. At night, try a gel rather than drops. Lasts longer.

    5. fposte*

      Did he say what the cause is? That makes a difference. Commonly the menopausal onset one is meibomian glands, which is, roughly, oil rather than water.

      Much as I like the idea of addressing things from the inside, with most dry eyes we’re talking something that is part of aging, not something about a body getting out of whack from an imbalance in sustenance or environmental demands. It’s sort of like trying to hydrate yourself out of grey hair :-). It probably wouldn’t hurt to eat a bunch more fish, but the eyes aren’t likely to get better on their own any more than the pigment will come back to hair on its own.

      I’m on prescription Xiidra for mine because I get recurrent corneal erosions otherwise; on a day to day basis, you’re balancing protection and literal transparency–the more of a gel it is, the longer it’ll last and the harder it is to see through. If this is during computer-staring work hours, you’ll probably need something less thick. I generally like the Systane brand but will pretty much try anything my eye doctor gives me coupons for.

      1. nep*

        Yes, great points.
        We’re still doing tests on my eyes.
        He has said meibomian glands are clogged–for that I’m doing warm compresses followed by gentle massage. I am going to see how things feel once I’ve done that consistently for several weeks. I was a bit sporadic with it at first but must be consistent.
        Thanks, all.

      2. Mockingjay*

        I’m on Xiidra too. I have dry eye caused by several factors: post menopausal I don’t produce enough lubricant in my tears, ocular rosacea (caused by dry, irritated skin on lids and around eye, in combo with the lack of lubricant), and I stare at computer screens 8 – 9 hours a day.

        My eye doctor and I tried going the non-prescription route for awhile – artificial tears, fish oil (yuck), good glasses, filters on the computer screens. Eventually my eyes became quite uncomfortable, so we started Xiidra. We fiddled with the dosage; I started at a half dose (once per day) as there were some side effects (blurring, tearing, light sensitivity) and slowly increased it (full dose twice per day once a week, then twice a week, etc.). I also use extra moisturizer around the eyes to keep the skin healthier. A year later my eyes are much improved.

        The important point is to work a plan with your doctor. I wasn’t crazy about adding a (somewhat pricey) prescription to my daily routine, but it has made a world of difference in quality of life.

    6. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

      My eye doctor noticed that my eyes were dry and thought it might have to do with my contacts, so she switched up the brand (ended up being cheaper, which was great), and told me to put contact-specific eye drops in them before I put them in. It made a huge difference in comfort for me. If I miss them for a day or two, it’s no big deal, but I think over time, contacts would become uncomfortable again if I didn’t use the drops.

      As for worrying about being dependent on an outside substance- I totally get where you are coming from! A few years ago, I found out that I have a thyroid issue that requires me to take meds every single day for the rest of my life, and before that, I was very much a “no-meds-unless-I’m-actually-sick” type of person. It made a huge difference in my quality of life once I gave in and started taking the meds, and I wouldn’t dream of stopping them now.

      All I’m trying to say is don’t feel guilty if you end up needing something medical that is more of a “maintenance” drug. Sometimes we can fix what’s wrong on our own, and sometimes we can’t- you’re not doing anything wrong by resorting to an outside substance, especially something like eye drops, and you might not even need them permanently.

    7. Nicki Name*

      Mine has specifically warned me off of Visine, and recommended using one of the “natural tears” varieties. I use it occasionally for allergies.

    8. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      My ophthalmologist recommended I use the “artificial tears” style of non-medicated eye drops, which work for me. I use a generic, because it’s less expensive and the doctor said those would be fine.

      I don’t know whether he wanted to start there because it’s least intrusive, or because various tests he’d already done ruled out some problems/possible causes of the eye pain. For Reasons, I see an ophthalmologist (medical doctor specializing in eye care) rather than an optometrist.

      1. nep*

        I’m going to an ophthalmologist next week, yes. Need more extensive testing and attention.

    9. tangerineRose*

      My doc recommended BlinkTears, and they work for me. She also suggested taking more fish oil, which I’ve done.

      For eye stuff in general, I found that a black or dark blue screen is much easier on the eyes than a white screen. You can use the Magnifier program to invert colors. Bring it up and use ctrl-alt-i or click the Options icon (wagon wheel) and select “Turn on color inversion”.

    10. Lost in the Woods*

      Ultimately, dry eye is a highly multifactoral problem for which there is no one solution. Fish or flaxseed oil supplements help some people, drinking more water helps some people, but ultimately for many people there just isn’t one solution – it’s very frustrating. Artificial tears are a relatively cheap & easy thing that helps people a lot. The big thing for artificial tears is that they should be preservative free – in vials and not in bottles. This feels horribly wasteful, but the preservative is an irritant and if you use it more than about 3-4 times a day, the preservatives can start to make symptoms worse. There are a few styles of drops which really help some patients who have issues with meibomian gland dysfunction – check out Retaine MGD or Refresh Mega. These drops have lipids in them, which helps to decrease the evaporation and keep the drop on the eye longer (mimicking the lipid layer of the tear that isn’t being effectively produced).

    11. What the What*

      I have chronic dry eyes. I use Theratears for daily use and any brand nighttime ointment for the night. I find fish oil to be the most helpful. I take two capsules a night, and if my eyes are extra dry, there’s a real impact if I take 3-4. That’s just a lot of fish oil sometimes.

      I’ve had prescription Restaisis but didn’t find it helpful. Visine can cause rebound redness, to beware. I find allergy-related eyedrops to be uncomfortable. So plain old Theratears works best for me.

      I’m not concerned about dependency. There really isn’t anything in eye ointments of normal moisturizing eye drops to get dependent on. If a prescription worked for me, I would use it… I did not feel that my eyes were more dry on a prescription, I just didn’t find that they were less dry.

  60. Stephanie*

    I am wading into homebuying for the first time. Got a preapproval and am working with a realtor. Any tips about the process or viewing places? In particular, I am looking in a Rust Belt city with lots of vacant houses that have been renovated, so I’ve seen a lot of rehabbed houses. Any suggestions for viewing the quality of the flip?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      A lot of flipped houses (not all, but lots) have had a lot of cosmetic things fixed, but when looking at older houses, look at the bones behind it. The kitchen might have fancy countertops and appliances, but do you like the flow of it, or is it small and cramped? The basement might be nicely renovated, but has the furnace and heating been renovated, too, or is that the original stuff the house was built with? Keep your eye closely on the big, expensive things that aren’t glamorous and don’t show well–how is the foundation? The roof? The electrical system? The heating/cooling? The plumbing? The windows? If a house looks fancy and glamorous, but peeking into the crawl space or the basement gives you the willies because it’s dark and dirty and looks like it hasn’t been touched since the house was built in 1965, don’t be swept away by the fanciness upstairs.

      Find yourself a good home inspector with a good reputation (sometimes your realtor can recommend someone, but a very good idea to do your own research on that front as well), and don’t be afraid to walk away from a place if the inspector is shaking their head too much.

      1. university minion*

        All of this!
        Educate yourself on what the rules on property disclosures are in your state. They vary from none to extremely thorough.
        If the house feels right to you, jump on it. Likewise, don’t feel pressure to move quickly on a place you’re not certain about.
        In my city, flips have a particular look about them that, to me, is an instant turnoff. It practically screams, “Lipstick on a pig!”.
        My personal preference is an older, well built home that’s had little/no remodeling. It’s easier to see what’s good and what’s worn out and needs replaced.

      2. Stephanie*

        These are great! Yeah, I visited a place earlier this week (uh, with proper social distancing protocol and masks — it was odd in many ways) and could tell the roof would need to be replaced.

      3. Gatomon*

        A lot of flipped houses (not all, but lots) have had a lot of cosmetic things fixed, but when looking at older houses, look at the bones behind it.

        Exactly. Flippers are always trying to minimize cost and time is their biggest one, so the sooner they can turn something around for a profit, the better. There are “good” flippers who are good at it and will fix any glaring issues with the houses’ bones knowing that the property will sell faster and for more money with a new furnace. Then there are “bad” flippers who know that people can be dazzled by the way something looks and will overlook the furnace age if they put in marble countertops, or who know that furnace replacement will delay relisting the property and won’t risk making an extra mortgage payment.

        -Things to look for that can be expensive issues: HVAC, plumbing, electrical, sewer, foundation, windows*, roof, tree health.
        -Things you cannot change: location, neighbors (though neighbors will change, for better or worse).
        -Things very difficult to change: floorplan, home size.
        -Everything else is like clothing on your home, it’s relatively easily changed and likely consumable anyway.

        *Windows are pretty reliable but they can be a source of high energy bills. I remember in the early 2000s my parents replaced the original metal windows with vinyl in our 1960s-era home and it cut our gas bill in half. It did cost a bit extra since the sizes were no longer standard and each one had to be custom ordered to fit.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          On your footnote, yes – I replaced all my windows (including the slider) last year and by the end of the year, my electric bill (all-electric heat here, no gas) was down almost $400 for the year compared to the previous.(So, you know, only about 14 years to go until the windows pay for themselves. Hah.)

        2. Valancy Snaith*

          Friends of ours bought a house built around 1900 in 2013 and it still had its original windows. They spent an absolute mint on getting new windows, since every single one had to be custom-measured and they were a pistol to install, but they said they noticed the difference in their bills and the noise reduction almost instantly. They love that house, but it’s an absolute money pit.

    2. I don't mean to be rude - I'm just good at it*

      do you have any friends or family who do serious/professional construction-home remodeling. I have such a friend and he found numerous faults in my present house the home inspector did not report. Flippers tend to make properties look pretty and later you will pay to fix what they were able to hide.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, my dad has done his fair share of home renovation. His original plan was to fly up here when I had a short list, but COVID has thrown a wrench in that.

    3. Colette*

      Not specifically for flipped houses, but:
      – make a list of must have and nice to have things. (E.g. must have 2 bedrooms, nice to have 2 bathrooms)
      – take notes at each place. Not just facts, but feel.
      – think about how you’d use the space. E.g. where would your table be, and what is the path to get there from the stove?
      – think about easy to fix issues (e.g. paint colour) vs. Hard to fix issues (need another bathroom)

    4. university minion*

      One more thing – spend plenty of time on realtor.com or zillow or whatever your preferred site is, getting an idea for what’s realistic in your price range. Calibrate your expectations early to avoid disappointment, while also making a list of “must haves” and “would be nice”, as another poster mentioned.
      My BFF will most likely never find a house, because her “must haves” amount to about $200k more than her “wants to spend”. There will never, ever be an overlap on her homebuying venn diagram.
      Stay away from HGTV and its ilk. Those just set you up for unrealistic expectations.

      1. RC Rascal*

        In my experience Zillow isn’t very accurate. Pay attention to the cost per square foot of properties actually selling. That’s your valuation.

        1. university minion*

          Ah, I just mean to see current inventory and what’s recently sold. Yeah, the pricing accuracy (or lack thereof) can be pretty iffy depending on your city.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I found it helpful to look at a number of houses in my price range as this helped me to get reference points. If you go to open homes (once we are allowed) you can casually look and just absorb what is available. This is less pressure than having an individual showing.

      I have learned to look at the lines of a house. Is the roof line sagging in the middle, if yes, why?
      If a porch is crooked, what caused it to move?

      Look at the trees in the yard. See any know water hogs such as willows? This could indicate lots of water underground which could bring many, many other issues.

      When we moved in here we knew we were buying a fixer. We needed to be able to not spend money for the first few years we were here as our savings went into this house. With this in mind, I wanted to know about the roof, the furnace, the appliances, the foundation and anything else that absolutely has to be fixed right away when it breaks. I could feel the condition of the floors just by walking through. (The house was over 100 years old.)

      One thing I did notice after looking at many houses is that some houses screamed NO at me the minute I walked through the front door. That sounds odd, but something didn’t hit me right and as I walked through I saw many problems. I am sure we look at a few dozen houses before we “met” this house. A few places we went to we brought a neutral friend or family member to help advise us. This was someone who was detached and not easily excited about the prospect of any particular home.

      Make a list of Must Haves, kind of like making a grocery list. This way you are less apt to get pulled into something that is not really what you want. We had to have a garage. There had to be a basement or an area that could be used as a workshop. I wanted at least two bedrooms and I wanted just one floor level for the living area. We stuck to our list and got most of what we wanted.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            OMG, my neighbor has one that is at least 8 k. If it falls it WILL land on my house. It’s huge- it would take three people holding hands to circle the entire trunk. I love it, it’s beautiful but it’s a swamp tree so it’s probably not strong. And that part I don’t love.

          2. Natalie*

            Even when they’re healthy they might be a problem. We had 2 mulberries that were ridiculously tall (too tall to harvest) so they just crapped rotting berries *everywhere*. The lawn smelled like old wine for a chunk of every summer. There are other ones like cottonwood or walnut that can be a nuisance.

      2. MissGirl*

        I did this. I looked at a lot of houses before getting a realtor. This helped get an idea of my area and must-haves. Surprisingly, my priorities changed after looking at several. By the time I got serious I knew what I wanted. I only looked at three homes with a realtor before making an offer.

      3. Texan In Exile*

        Yes, the trees. We have spent hundreds – maybe more? – treating the pear tree in our back yard for fire blight. It’s that or let it die and then pay to have it removed, which would be even more expensive and would also mean that the upstairs bedroom would become an oven in the summer.

        The tree in the front yard? Its roots grow into the lateral pipe leading to the main sewer. Now that we have figured that out, we get the lateral cleaned every few years ($200 a shot), but before that, our basement flooded from sewer drain backup THREE TIMES. The first time, it was before we had moved in, so the carpet in the finished part of the basement was soaked and had to be replaced. Fortunately, I had gotten the sewer drain backup rider on the insurance (USAA offers this – get it), so we were covered, but having your basement flood is not something you ever want to deal with, even if it’s just a half inch of water.

    6. No Tribble At All*

      Get a dedicated HVAC inspector. General home inspectors don’t necessarily have the expertise beyond “yeah the furnace turns on” which isn’t sufficient. Source: bought a house knowing the furnace was old but still kept things warm. Maintenance hadn’t been done in a year, so after we closed, we got the furnace company to come by. Turns out it was putting out dangerous levels of carbon monoxide, so we had to get a new furnace asap. Thank goodness we hadn’t moved in yet.

    7. Aurora Leigh*

      I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice about looking at the bones of the house and not being swayed by flash.

      One thing I would think about is how the house can serve your needs and your future needs. A big thing for me is ability to live on just the main level if needed. A basement washer/dryer is fine unless you’re on crutches after an accident for example. Do you want to have pets in the house? Kids? Room for a family member to stay when visiting?

    8. Disco Janet*

      Good luck! I have no advice on flipped rehabbed houses, but may be able to help with considerations of what area you’re looking at. (If you’re the poster I’m thinking of? I’m not 100% sure. I remember convos with someone who had a similar avatar who rents in Dearborn, Michigsn area.)

        1. Disco Janet*

          Though so! Yeah, I’m not helpful with flipping advice but know the different areas if you ever want to chat about that! The one thing I would say to be very careful about is basements – most houses in the Detroit/Downriver area (unless they were built in the last couple decades) are VERY prone to flooding. Literally every person I know has some story about all the personal items they lost in a basement flood. So I would look for any signs of a history of that and try to find a house that has had that addressed or a sump pump installed or something similar.

          We’re in the middle of putting my great-aunt’s house in Woodhaven on the market, and thank goodness she has amazing insurance because we were in the middle of dealing with the aftermath of a frozen pipe that burst in winter…when the basement flooded. So her house had to have work done with the waterproofing, new plumbing/pipes, new flooring/carpeting, redid the kitchen cabinets and counters, etc. Total pain. Not that freezing pipes are a concern when you have someone living in the house, of course (she had to move into assisted living, so no one knew the pipe had burst).

          1. Stephanie*

            I’ve looked at a couple in the city and did check the basements. A neighborhood near me on the East Side floods pretty much every time there’s heavy rain. I have heard this from all my coworkers about their basements flooding.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      No advice from me, but congratulations I am so excited and happy for you!

    10. Texan In Exile*

      Make sure the roof is not pitched toward the driveway. If it is, the snow melts onto your driveway and then refreezes into a sheet of ice, meaning you risk death every time you leave your house to get to your car.

      Don’t get a house on the corner. It means more sidewalk to shovel.

      Make sure the permits were pulled for all the renovations. We think the guy who did our house did some of the stuff under the table. That’s – not good. I am thinking your city’s planning department would have all the records.

      We just had our mortar repaired. That was another $2,000 that probably wouldn’t have had to be spent if the previous owners had done proper maintenance. :(

      Ask for maintenance records (if possible). Our furnace probably would have been fine if the previous owner had done the annual maintenance check, but it had never been done. Make sure you do all the recommended maintenance checks! It’s better to spend $100 on an annual check than have your furnace stop working on the coldest day of the year and then have to buy a new one. On the coldest day of the year.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Oh, Lord in heaven, a corner house. Not only does it mean more sidewalk to shovel, it means more lawn to mow if you have a side yard, and if you’re like us and live in a VERY snowy place, all the snow from the main street gets dragged along and helpfully pushed onto your driveway when they’re plowing. We’re never ever buying a corner lot ever again.

    11. Dear liza dear liza*

      My biggest advice is to talk to the neighbors. A few houses ago, we bought quickly and ended up with some terrible neighbors. Lesson learned.

      We’ve driven around and talked to people out and about dog walking and gardening, and we’ve knocked on the doors of potential next door neighbors and asked how they liked living there. When we were looking for our current house, I had my eye on a well regarded neighborhood and was so excited when an opportunity came up. But by talking to the neighbor across the street and someone around the corner, we learned next door to the house we were considering lived a family with a pack of tweens/teens who engaged in so much petty misbehavior (like throwing rocks at dogs, running their ATV up and down people’s driveways) that the HOA was consulting a lawyer.

      We did not pursue that house!

  61. Anon for This*

    Question on anxiety/depression, either for those who experience it or parents supporting a child going through it.

    15YO child struggles making friends. Things were looking better last year when 15YO got in with a solid group of kids after changing schools. Unfortunately, 15YO also started dating another member of the group, and that fizzled out. Afterwards, 15YO stopped responding to everyone in the group. 15YO felt like the group wasn’t interested in them after the break-up, which I don’t think is true. 15YO retreated to their room, and spent most of the time on video games and playing online with friends. I noticed burn marks on 15YO, and we had a pretty big talk. 15YO did not want to see a therapist, so instead we talked about what was going on and made a list of goals. It appeared that 15YO was trying to put themselves back out there.

    A few months ago, a friend of 15YO’s committed suicide. We had another talk, and 15YO did not want to see a therapist. Then, COVID hit. When report cards came out, there were several Ds. 15YO is a high achiever, honors and AP student, As and Bs come easily for this kid. When I drilled down into the courses, I could see exactly when the grades started to slip, and it was within weeks of losing the friend. We successfully worked over the past six weeks or so to get the grades back up, and that worked. -But then I found new burn marks. The anxiety and depression isn’t getting any better, and I made an appointment with a therapist since this is obviously something I’m not equipped to handle.

    15YO has had a couple of appointments so far. The goals the therapist and 15YO set were exactly the same goals that we came up with together before. Getting 15YO to open up is difficult, and I don’t want to push. I am hopeful that perhaps the therapist can help 15YO get some items checked of the list.

    I guess my question is, how can I best support 15YO? I am so out of my element on this. If COVID hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been working from home, and I’m afraid that some of this would have been completely missed. I can’t make friends for 15YO, I can’t force 15YO to be more active socially (even though they want to…which is something I can relate to). So, what CAN I do without making 15YO more irritated by me than they already are?

    2. Kathenus*

      I am absolutely not an expert in this area, so please take my thoughts as being that of a non-mental health professional. I think you did a huge thing getting your 15YO into therapy. As you mention, they are not the type to open up a lot, so I think since they are in therapy where the therapist will hopefully get them to talk some, I think you just being there and treating them normally and supportively might be best. If you let them know you’re there if they ever want to talk but you then leave it alone, it might make them more comfortable to be around you. If they are getting requests to open up in therapy and you are also trying to get them to do so, they may not feel comfortable hanging out around you if they are feeling pressured to talk all the time. Support them, love them, set boundaries for acceptable behavior, let them know you’re there, but then back off and don’t push. Good luck, it sounds incredibly tough.

      1. Reba*

        I agree, getting started with therapy is huge! One thought (based on things in my own family of origin) is that you should let Kid know that if it is not working with this therapist, they can always talk to you about any of it, and you will help them change therapists. But just quitting therapy is not an option. If they struggle with therapy, you can acknowledge that it is hard work and uncomfortable. Yes, Kid is old enough to have some say in what they do, but this is not on the level of piano lessons, this is urgent health care. To be clear, this is not meant as a criticism, but to to try shore you up in your commitment to therapy! Grief really sucks.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, giving the kid some choice in this is huge. Not every therapist is going to be a match for everyone.

          Backing off a bit on social stuff might help.

          Are there other pressures on 15YO? For example, some kids at this are are trying to decide what they want to do when they grow up, trying to figure out college stuff, being terrified they won’t have the right grades or the right extras to get into the college they want. With this type of thing, it may help to know there are other options if 15YO just isn’t in the right headspace to get great grades all the time right now. Some kids start out at a community college (which is also cheaper) and transfer to a 4 year college later. I did that, and the community college had some excellent teachers who tended to be focused on how we would use stuff in real life. Also, for a lot of people (including me; I went to a state university), just having a college degree is enough; it doesn’t have to be an ivy-league college.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Has 15YO had a health checkup lately? Medical stuff can affect mental health.

            15 can be a tough age. Lots of changes, hormones, etc. You’ve probably already mentioned this type of thing to 15YO, but it can be useful to mention it again. Some people will say “These are the best years of your life!” Maybe for some people. For some of us, these were some of the worse.

            I deal with OCD and depression, and one thing that helps me sometimes is to have a mental list of the minimum I need to do to get by. If I can get that done, the rest is optional.

    3. Disco Janet*

      I think it’s really great they’re seeing a therapist – I struggled a lot as a teen and resisted seeing one, but my parents insisted. It took a couple tries to find someone I did well with (the first person my mom tried was a counselor at the church we attended – that was a pretty bad idea considering that I was not actually religious like my parents), but once we found a therapist I felt like I could talk to, over the years she really helped. Emphasis on years – it wasn’t a quick fix, so don’t think it’s not working if there aren’t immediate results, especially ones that can be viewed in list form.

      I also suggest getting rid of whatever she’s using to burn herself if you can (my parents did not do this until I eventually requested it, and honestly I wish I hadn’t needed to ask, because it was very hard to do!) and trying ton have more bonding time. For a lot of teens like this (not just talking about myself here – I teach high school and am one of those teachers kids tend to open up to – I’ve had to make lots of counseling/social work, referrals over the years) they have a tendency to hide in their room buried in their own thoughts, and that is when things tend to turn negative and the self harm thoughts enter. Go for long car rides to get ice cream or drive to a park or whatever. Watch a movie. Research together for fun plans for future vacations. Binge watch funny TV shows (I recommend Parks and Rec!), and maybe some more serious ones too if you think that could lead to a conversation (depends on the teen and the parent). Don’t make it all about what has happened, their grades, the self-harm, etc. Just connect with them.

    4. mamacita*

      Hi Anon,

      I am in a very similar situation with a 15yo with anxiety, few friends, poor coping strategies, who refused therapy multiple times until a crisis hit and I was able to get them in. My 15yo has been in therapy for about 6 months at this point. Covid has had a mixed impact: on one hand, the anxiety around daily school performance has greatly reduced; on the other hand, the 15yo is VERY isolated.

      You can’t do anything to increase social interactions at this point, and I think it is generally better to let the counselor lead the conversation on personal goals and personal change. I try to be amiable and positive as much as possible and choose my battles. When the 15yo initiates a conversation about an issue I try to listen attentively and always ask what the counselor recommended they do; that way I am not “bossing them around”. You know how to look for signs of self-harm now, so you can monitor that quietly and make sure the counselor knows if anything new occurs. As society opens up again hopefully the counselor can help the 15yo make a plan to take some steps forward.

      This age sucks for most kids (this is my third child) and it is far worse with a mood disorder. Hugs to you both.

    5. Smol Book Wizard*

      Thank you (on behalf of my past self, and all others like me) for supporting your kiddo in this. Thinking back to my different-but-in-some-ways-similar 15 year old life issues, I would recommend making sure your kiddo does not feel that the grades themselves are the issue – that a few Ds are not going to end anything, and that you acknowledge how hard it is to care about academics when your own brain and body are fighting you. “High achiever” can itself be a great cover-up for anxiety that didn’t previously manifest in other ways (speaking from experience). Maybe you’ve been doing this already, but making sure you compliment and praise them for things besides external accomplishments like grades and finished projects can be a really big deal – that it does not take Completion or Perfection to be worthwhile, in a time when those things seem more fleeting than ever. Again, this may be things you are doing already and/or not applicable, but my two cents in case it helps. Blessings to the both of you.

    6. D3*

      I had to force my 15 yo into therapy a few years ago for similar reasons. My teen’s therapist has done an EXCELLENT job of helping them through their issues, while also providing me with tips for how to handle things, while ALSO maintaining confidentiality about what they discuss. Most sessions are just the two of them talking, but once a month or so we would have a 10-15 minute visit with just me and the therapist. She was also willing to occasionally text with me when my daughter was in crisis.
      Due to the COVID shutdowns, we’ve not had any in person sessions for a few months, but I know that my teen and I have (independently!) texted with the therapist a few times.
      I think you are definitely on the right track. It may help to connect with the therapist for some help on how you can best support your teen. Some things our therapist has encouraged me to do:
      – Validate emotions – without any BUTs. “I know you’re anxious about X.” instead of “I know you’re anxious about X but you just have to push through and do it anyway.” You can get to the advice later in the conversation.
      – Give time for big emotions to fade before pressing for solutions/actions
      – Try parallel conversations (where you’re not directly facing each other. In the car, on a walk, etc.)

    7. Stephanie*

      My daughter has anxiety issues. She’s 21, and has been in therapy for about 18 months or so, and it has helped, a lot. The first therapist she worked with was fine, but they didn’t quite click. She’s with someone else now, and really, really likes her. She was still having meltdowns periodically (calling me sobbing because of ants in her apartment is just one example). My husband and I kept telling her to ask about anxiety meds, but she resisted. And then she had a major freak out leading up to her finals (she’s in college), and we insisted that she look into meds. She did, very shortly before Covid happened and our state went into shelter in place. We had her move home with us because of Covid, and she started on a low dose anti-anxiety med at pretty much the same time. I see a HUGE difference in her since starting on the medication, and I wish we had started this process with her years ago, when she was showing signs of anxiety.
      So, for advice…Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t push too much. Easier said than done, I know. I was never very comfortable talking to my own parents about serious stuff, even when I was struggling. I always felt like I was being judged, like whatever was going on was somehow my fault. I am mindful of this with my own kids and try to react neutrally when we talk (not always successfully, but enough that they seem to be pretty open with me).
      As hard as it is, try to give your child a little space, and give the therapy a little time to make a difference. Be available, but let your child come to you more than you pushing for info. And as far as the friends/social interaction, therapy will very likely help with that, too.
      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s difficult to watch your kid struggle. Try to be glad that you did catch it, and got your child some help.

    8. Laura H.*

      Get yourself some support too. Doesn’t have to be therapy. Taking care of yourself is crucial.

      I have a dad with depression and likely a little anxiety, and that’s hard to deal with as an adult offspring. And while it came to a few times where I lost my head emotionally, I found and still have a good support system that’s part of my own coping. This was all pre-COVID, and for that I’m thankful.

      It’s hard to watch and help your loved one go through this especially if you’re not taking care of yourself. Sending air hugs your and 15 YOs’ way!

    9. J.B.*

      I’m glad you’ve found a good therapist. Sometimes therapists can talk about the same stuff that parents try, without being mom and dad so kids may feel better gradually open up. Some therapy groups offer social skills camps or groups, one in my area has been trying to do things online. That can help in a couple of different ways: 1) giving practice with other kids, 2) helping your son sort out feelings other people really hold from “jerkbrain”.

      This is tough, and isolation has made it that much harder. It can improve but will take time. Best wishes to you!

    10. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      From a former teen recluse and still battling anxiety/depression.

      Communication and compassion are key. You’re doing well it sounds like. You’re also paying attention and being accessible.

      Resist making comments about their grades. Incentives for good grades can help but you’ll hit a wall if you make a big deal out of grades slipping. Acknowledge you’ve noticed and that it’s a sign of distress (memory and motivation are key to good grades for those of us who don’t need to try that hard for a good grade)

      Making them feel like a failure or disappointment will cause more spiral.

      Stay present and show love even when it’s hard.

      And distracting is good when they’re found in a early stage of a panic attack or backslide. My mom will let me talk and then gently change the subject to avoid fixation.

    11. Saddesklunch*

      I’m so glad you were able to get your teen into therapy! I echo what others have said about giving them the option to switch therapists (but not quit therapy) if they’re not clicking.

      I know that school is out for the summer, but once it resumes (in whatever form) in the fall it might be worthwhile to inquire about groups run school counselors or social workers. Having your teen in a grief and loss specific group or in a more general coping or social skills group might help with skills and help with building community at school. Even if school is online many school-based mental health professionals (myself included!) are running virtual groups for kids who could use some extra support. You could also look into youth groups run by community mental health centers.

    12. Koala dreams*

      My advice is based on my own experiences with depression and grief. Please consult a doctor or a therapist if you feel overwhelmed with fear and anxiety for your child.

      You can help your child see a doctor (a GP for example). You can also see if they are interested in a grief support group or similar.

      It’s not a reasonable goal that your child will be happy and not annoyed when you suggest activities together. That’s just part of being a teenager. You can still suggest activities, just be prepared for so-so responses. Go for a walk together, watch video games (or play together), driving practice, offer to drive them over to meet the online friends if they live close enough.

      My favourite explanation of grief is that it’s striped. Sometimes you feel very very sad, sometimes you laugh at silly things. You can offer to visit the grave together and help buy flowers, food, candles (whatever is suitable in your culture), but don’t forget to leave room for silly and funny and happy in life.

      If you want support, see if you can find a support group for family members of people with mental illness (or serious illness in general). Maybe the clinic or the therapist where your child gets treatment have recommendations. It’s hard to be the care taker. You wish you can take away the illness, but it doesn’t work that way.

      Sorry for my bad grammar. Take care!

  62. Peeping neighbours*

    I wore my leggings and workout t-shirt this morning and like every day I know I will probably be too self conscious to workout in my living room. Would you mind it if neighbours could potentially see you workout at your place?
    I want to exercise indoors and had tried a few stretches and a couple youtube videos. I liked it but then noticed that I am reluctant to workout more. I live in a tiny place so the only space I have is my living room after pushing stuff away. I hate having to put the shades down, and mine come short so you can still see into my living room. I’m a bit annoyed at neighbours potentially seeing my exercise attempts. There is no jumping or anything, so not a sound issue for people in the same building, just me feeling self conscious about neighbours on the opposite side.
    My sister says I overthink it and no one cares that I working out.

    1. Kathenus*

      I agree with your sister. I get the self consciousness, but absolutely do not think it will bother anyone if you work out. Look at it from the reverse point of view, would it bother you to see a neighbor work out? Use your answer to that question to help make the decision for your comfort level working out in view of neighbors.

    2. nep*

      Have you noticed people looking for an abnormally long time? Or do you mean people might see you just in passing?
      I think that–similar to in the gym–most people are way too wrapped up in their own stuff to give much of a thought to someone they see in passing. (Heck, you might even inspire someone who’s been wanting to start moving more.)
      I say the main thing is, have the clothes and the set-up precisely the way they serve YOU in enjoying and being consistent with your workouts. That’s what counts the most.

      1. nep*

        (Even if that means shutting the shades…Whichever works best for you. I have a garage gym, and I always put a mat over the window of the door. For one thing, the brightness tends to distract me, but also a long time ago a visiting family member came up to the door and looked in the window. Not being creepy–just checking to see who was in there. Well that sticks in my mind and I feel more comfortable with the window blocked.)

    3. Nacho*

      I would be more embarrassed if they saw me doing aerobics than if I was lifting weights. Less bouncing and jiggling = less embarrassment if anybody sees me.

    4. fposte*

      Keep in mind that during the day people really aren’t likely to see much unless their face is pressed up against the window. This will vary a bit depending on your window’s aspect and what kind of foot traffic, etc. happens around there, but mostly it’s nighttime that makes inside activity visible.

        1. fposte*

          I’ll feel self-conscious sometimes and then realize I can’t see a thing through my neighbors’ windows.

    5. Parenthetically*

      I promise I mean this in the nicest way possible, but no one cares that much about your activities! Work out. Don’t give it a second thought. And follow Steph Gaudreau on insta for a little inspiration — she mostly works out (with kettlebells and barbells) on her front porch and in her front yard.

    6. OP*

      Thanks all for the perspective, I guess I needed the reassurance. Yes, I was only worried about people seeing me in passing, or the one neighbour who works in her living room, there are no creeps around.
      Switching hats is also useful, as I personally wouldn’t bat an eye at people working out in their house, it’s more a me thing. I carry this anxiety in physical gyms too as I have always been too self conscious to workout in front of people unless someone came along.
      I’ll do that workout, and yes you are right about going for the right set-up. I had tried working out in my room by injured myself 3 weeks ago because I do not have enough space.
      Maybe at the end of this I’ll take that new confidence (nonchalance?) to the actual gym

      1. Parenthetically*

        I think it’s really helpful to hear from others about stuff like this because it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the anxiety brain and forget reality! Anxiety is a big fat liar and it’s been good at various points in my life to hear a more objective perspective.

      2. Nessun*

        I’ve had similar thoughts, and I’ve reframed it in my head. To a silly degree! Now I like to assume that they are watching, and that they’re admiring me. “Look at that lady across the way, working out in her apartment! She’s pretty dedicated to be doing that at home in a lockdown! Good for her!” …I have created an imaginary neighbor cheer squad. Whoops! ;)

    7. LGC*

      I agree with your sister, but…I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned some sort of screen! It’s an extra expense (and I know you hate putting the shades down), but it’d keep the neighbors from looking in. Although you didn’t say why you don’t like putting the blinds down.

      But honestly, I’d tell you to not worry about working out, if everyone else hadn’t told you to already.

      1. valentine*

        some sort of screen
        You can get white panels that are lacy or otherwise patterned and let in light while not providing a view.

        But imagine that someone who feels the same as you is the one who can see. You going about your workout might inspire them to the same confidence.

    8. KR*

      I don’t know if it helps, but when I see people work out my thoughts are, “Oh god why am I so lazy, I need to work out. I’m happy for them working out.”

    9. Not So NewReader*

      If it still really bothers you then you may want to consider cafe curtains. I put up cafe style curtains in my bedroom. I am so happy with this. I used a tension rod for the lower curtains and a regular rod for the valance. The valance is thin and lets plenty of day light in. But the lower curtains are actually a thermal drape that I cut to fit the windows. They also effectively block out shadows that may occur.

      My room is set such that no one can see in the upper part of the window- it’s too high, there are no tall houses near by etc.

      I got the tension rods at Joann’s and I got the thermal drape at a garage sale. I love not having to turn a light on every time I walk in there and I can still hang out in my pjs and feel like I have privacy.

    10. Courageous cat*

      Agreed with your sister. This is a non-issue IMO and your neighbors will think the same even if they do happen to walk past and see it (unlikely)!

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      Frankly, unless you’re working out naked or wrestling a bear (animal or burly gay man), no one is that interested. Personally I do sometimes work out naked (yoga with no sitting involved) and I keep that private. Otherwise… like, I get that we’re all bored from quarantine, but, like… even assuming I could see into your house (not easy depending on angles and lighting) what exactly are you doing that’s more interesting than random youtube videos?

  63. Lemon Hurl*

    After you find a house, visit the neighborhood during the evenings and weekends to assess the vibe.
    I saved myself twice by finding out about barking dogs, garage parties, street racing and bad traffic prior to purchase.
    Also look at local amenities such as available grocery stores, medical centers, schools, parks/playgrounds and access to transportation.

  64. Reluctantly Hermione*

    After a milestone professional achievement, I treated myself to a nice piece of jewelry.

    What ways do you treat yourself, when you reach a milestone/achievement in your life? (Especially now, with air travel not an option since I live with someone immunocompromised?)

    1. nep*

      How nice. Congratulations on your achievement.
      Sometimes I’ll buy something that’s a want more than a need.

    3. Disco Janet*

      Fun question – and congrats on the achievement! My thriftier ‘treat yo self’ method is a little at home spa day – a long bath with a new Lush bath bomb and a book, actually use some of my nice face masks and body lotion after, new nail polish, etc.

      Not a professional achievement, but to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary next year and getting through 2020, my husband and I booked a trip to Jamaica! Air travel isn’t an option right now, but I love trip planning and am SO excited to have something in the books for next year. I’ve never been out of the country or to anyplace tropical – this is probably my biggest ‘treat yourself’ thing ever. But this has been a very tough year, and I feel very lucky that we’re able to get away and have some time just to ourselves (Adults only trip – our 5 and 7 year old are staying with my parents.)

    4. Plush Ox*

      This may sound hopelessly out of touch, but I just got my first paycheck since being out of work since January. After setting aside what I’ll need soon, I put some extra money into my brokerage fund to buy shares of a specific stock. Buying individual stocks can be risky, so this feels like a total splurge to me, like a luxury item! Usually I just get the boring S&P 500 fund. This feels like buying an expensive electronic toy, spending a lot on a spa package, or eating way too much chocolate cake.

    5. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

      It might be silly, but I use work/personal milestones to indulge my scotch habit.
      I enjoy whiskey and like to try pricier scotches, but if I did it all the time, it’d get expensive quickly and I don’t like to have 15 different bottles around. When I know I’m close to meeting a personal or professional goal, I research which one I’m going to try next and buy it once I’ve actually accomplished what I wanted to. The bigger the milestone, the more I get to spend. It lasts a pretty long time, too!

    6. fhqwhgads*

      Usually dinner from my fave restaurant but if I’m trying not to reward myself with food, usually some new electronics. Either a video game (or sometimes a console), or a tablet. I don’t tend to replace my gadgets just because they’re old or out of date. I wait and do it as a reward or to mark a milestone.

    7. Lissa*

      I go to a favourite coffee shop and sit and people watch (not inside now of course). I really need to figure out some non food rewards, since it’s just such a go-to for me. My problem is that if I want something like a new video game, hat etc I usually just go and buy it!

    8. Bibliovore*

      I know this sounds a little nuts. I received news of a promotion during the shelter in place order. I got ice cream delivered to my home and to a dear friends’ apartment from Jeni’s ice cream. (it’s an expensive indulgence that comes in a container with dry ice) This really felt celebratory to me since we couldn’t do our usual thing going to restaurant for a fancy meal.

    9. Trot*

      Hmm, I think it’s usually food-based for me! A meal at a fancier restaurant than usual (converted to take out or delivery right now), or a nicer than usual bottle of wine (preferably sparkling).

    10. Anonymath*

      I usually get something I’ve been wanting but couldn’t rationalize buying yet. For a bigger accomplishment, it’s a bigger item. When I got two major papers published within a month, I finally allowed myself to buy a stand mixer that I had been wanting for years but wasn’t sure I’d use it enough to justify the price. Two years on, I use the darn thing weekly, so it was a good purchase.

    11. Amity*

      Depends on what I’m in the mood for! I love jewelry so done that (I got a beautiful amber ring this past winter, and a necklace and some earrings when the stimulus check came through), sometimes a new book, sometimes art supplies, and sometimes an edible treat.

      Here’s to all of us and our achievements!

    12. Kiwi with laser beams*

      I got a bonus while New Zealand was in lockdown (we had a really good financial year right before COVID hit), so after doing the savings/charity stuff, I bought vouchers for some local treat-yourself businesses (massage place, fancy cupcake company, luxury chocolate place, etc.) and then put some money aside for travelling within New Zealand later on. Basically stuff that will be both nice for me and supporting local businesses.

  65. nep*

    Any Zeppelin fans here, excited about the Celebration Day concert being streamed on YT? (OK, sans John Bonham and that’s a huge sans…but his son played the show.)
    Just cannot get enough of these artists.

      1. nep*

        Search Led Zeppelin on YT. Starts in 89 minutes.
        (Fellow Zeppelin fan…I knew I loved you, WellRed.)

    2. Lemon Hurl*

      I always loved Led Zeppelin and listened to them religiously as a kid, but I was very disappointed by their Day On The Green show in Oakland California in the 70’s. They had many long rambling interludes and solos that really took away from the power of their music. It also also could have been that they are all slammed on drugs and rambled on (pun intended).

      This disappointment stays with me to this day and it was quite the shame to see such a sloppy performance.

      Still love the music.

      1. nep*

        Interesting.
        (I’ve heard the members talk about disappointing performances at LiveAid and at the 40th anniversary…Drag about that one in Oakland. I can see how that can taint in a way.)

  66. fposte*

    Important conversation influenced by the scones/biscuits discussion above: what is coffee cake to you? I was startled when I got coffee cake from a local bakery (uneven, but with some decent stuff) only to find it was just a layer of yellow cake with coffee cake toppings baked in. In researching, I’ve realized that some coffee cakes are yeasted doughs but not all; now I swear I’ve had some non-yeasted doughs that nonetheless weren’t quite as unabashedly just cake as this one. So what’s your platonic idea coffee cake, people? Recipes and opinions are both okay.

    1. Three Pines Visitor*

      The Kaffe Kuchen recipe from the Better Homes & Gardens cookbook, c. 1950 (and later years). Non-yeast, cinnamon/brown sugar/butter topping (that’s struesel, right?), cake itself made with egg yolks and then whipped egg whites folded in. A hassle to make because of having to whip the egg whites, but oh, was it wonderful.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. The uber-coffeecake is the cinnamon-crumbly poundcake concoction we all know and love, but frankly, any poundcake can be a coffeecake if you’re going to drink it with coffee.

        Lemon poundcakes, IMO, are not coffeecakes because lemon goes with tea and not coffee, making it a tea cake, but if you truly crave lemoncake with your coffee then it can be a coffeecake to you.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I think of it made in an 8×8 baker with crumb topping- strusel like Three Pines says. The cake I remember is white and on the medium dense side. I’ve not made a yeasted cake (always use baking powder/soda as the raising agent) so I couldn’t say.

      I say all cake goes well with my morning coffee ;)

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      To me, coffee cake is what you have with coffee, so it can be all sorts of things. I am an East Coast girl, so for me the “traditional” coffee cake is a moist cake with cinnamon streusel topping. But I also love a good sour cream pound cake. I actually don’t think of yeasted cake when I think of coffee cake– that’s closer to pastry for me, like a babka. Which… I also enjoy with coffee. Hmm.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Dear me, I would be disappointed by that too! 70s Good Housekeeping cookbook coffee cake is irreproachable. Buttery sour cream cake with a streusel layer in the middle and a streusel layer on the top, baked in an 8×8 pyrex dish. For a fruit one, I cannot fault Smitten Kitchen’s rhubarb big-crumb one.

      However, my husband is Australian, and to him, coffee cake is a cake with coffee flavoring!

      1. PX*

        I’m with your husband on this one, thats the first thing I think of too. Also from an ex-UK colony so maybe thats why. I dont think the concept of coffee cake as y’all are describing above exists in the UK. Certainly not for me, but maybe because I’ve always been in tea drinking countries?

        Thinking of some Swedish colleagues, things they have with coffee are mostly pastries and not cake.

        I am now intruiged by this discussion.

        1. Buni*

          Yup, in the UK, and as far as we’re concerned it’s just…coffee-flavoured cake. I make a decent victoria sponge and just throw in a tablespoon or two or coffee essence / barely-diluted instant coffee. Walnuts are traditional with.

          1. username required*

            Lol – just had flashback to my childhood – Mum used to make coffee flavoured victoria sponge using a splash of Camp coffee syrup.

            1. Jemima Bond*

              Mine too. With icing and buttercream flavoured similarly and walnut halves to decorate.
              I think it was on here and only in the last year maybe that I’d ever heard of coffee cake meaning a cake to eat with coffee. I mean all cakes are nice with coffee. Or tea. But then there are teacakes…

              So if a coffee cake is a cake to eat with coffee what do USAians call a cake flavoured with coffee?

              I’ve typed and thought coffee too many times and now the word has no meaning…

              1. Parenthetically*

                I’ve never noticed a cake that was flavored with coffee except coffee/chocolate. So that would be like a mocha cake!

        2. Parenthetically*

          Two things came to mind — “tea cakes” transparently do NOT have tea in them, which I find interesting given the “coffee cake” difference! And now you’ve got me wondering about streusel cakes in general, if they’re even a thing in the UK/Aus/wherever else… off to my Commonwealth-country baking websites to see what they have to say!

      2. WS*

        Australian here and yes, that is what I would expect! Coffee cake in the US sense is becoming more popular here, but the recipes always explain first what they mean by “coffee cake”.

      3. Emily*

        I recently confused my boyfriend with this one! We’re both native to the US, but I guess he hadn’t heard of coffee cake before; he was trying to figure out where the coffee was in the apple streusel cake I made. I had to explain that it’s a cake you have with coffee (although given that neither of us drinks coffee, maybe “tea cake” or “milk cake” would be more appropriate ;) ).

    6. Aurora Leigh*

      Basically yellow cake with some cinnamon bit and a crumbly butter cinnamon topping — my mom always made coffee cake from a boxed mix. But baked in a loaf pan, not a cake pan.

    7. HBJ*

      I have never had a yeast one. I’ve made several recipes. They’re all cakey, but not as sweet as a typical dessert cake. Of course, the cinnamon streusel topping makes it sweeter.

    8. Lost in the Woods*

      Coffee cake to me is never yeasted, it’s leavened with baking soda or powder. To me coffee cake has flavors that are breakfast-y – often a fruit and strudel topping, usually baked in a dish and not free-standing, and usually with some kind of sour cream component. I would call something yeasted, semi-sweet, and served with breakfast a sweet bread.

      My grandfather, who is from St. Louis, insists that gooey butter cake is a breakfast food, but I think that’s just wishful thinking on his part.

      1. Ranon*

        I’m with your grandfather, except as long as the frosting is relatively light I consider all cake breakfast food.

        The difference between cake and, say, a grocery store muffin or waffles with syrup is pretty much just name, the nutrition certainly isn’t any different.

    9. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Not really an answer to the question but Ina Garten’s blueberry crumb cake (recipe on Food Network website) is one of the best things I’ve ever made or eaten. Must be the streusel with a little tang from the blueberries. Easy too if you use a food processor.

    10. BRR*

      Ooh good question. I feel like I’d know it when I see it but can’t describe. Maybe it’s a little airier? I was hoping Stella parks would have done some research but she says yellow cake.

      1. fposte*

        It’s definitely a much more open textured dough even in the baking powder versions in my experience. I’m loving hearing all the different responses! I had no idea the variety that was lurking behind this seemingly innocent terminological exterior.

    11. Thankful for AAM*

      I have no idea re your question but I think I fell in love with my husband 33 years ago bc of a coffee cake/roll in a donut shop at 2am. Background: English is not his first language.

      We were in grad school and a large group of us went dancing one night. I wound up in the car on the way home that stopped at a donut shop. He ordered a coffee roll and a coffee and sat at the counter while the rest of the guys were still ordering. Seconds later he ran back to the group in a panic, ” guys, guys!!, he shouted, “there is no coffee in my coffee roll!!”

      They looked at him in shock and his face said, “oh crap, weird English words strike again!” I explained that a coffee roll goes with coffee but is not coffee flavored. He still argues with me about words and phrases like this.

    12. Sunset Maple*

      Basically any yellow or white cake with the brown sugar crumblies on top. Bonus points if there are swirls of the crumblies inside as well.

    13. Following one's heart*

      Hmm great question and I love desserts haha, so this is right up my alley. To me, coffee cake at a bare minimum, is anything that is either round or loaf-shaped, that’s made with flour and baking powder, has some fruit and or vanilla component in it. Also a strudel, to me, is coffee cake. It’s great if it has some crumble at the top. And the recipe literally has “coffee cake” in the title or the bakery labels it as coffee cake for me to consider it a coffee cake…though I live near an Italian bakery that knows how to do coffee cake just right, so I’m a little bit biased and spoiled that way haha. It can’t be a cheesecake or anything else that has another name, i.e. cupcake, mousse, muffin etc. Given that it’s spring, googling “strawberry and rhubarb coffee cake” give tasty recipe results :)

    14. Dancing Otter*

      Scandinavian family in America — most often, I think of the pastry version, like a frisbee sized Danish though not necessarily round. What everyone else is describing sounds more like a dinette cake. Also good, but not if you’re expecting yeast dough.
      Now I’m craving a good almond braid, and I can’t go to the bakery!

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I think you’ve put your finger on the backstory for me–the baked goods of my area in childhood were strongly Scandi-Germanic influenced, so what you describe is probably all I had as a kid.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yes, I’ve had this too and it’s LOVELY.

        Ah, “dinette cake,” the cutest name for anything ever.

  67. Following one's heart*

    Hello fellow readers/commenters – I’d like to discuss / seek your input on dealing with a relatively new therapist. Back in Feb this group helped me realize that the therapist I was seeing at the time was not helping me . In retrospect, she was def a bad fit, jumped to conclusions, pushed me too much in the wrong direction etc. etc.
    Here’s the background and my question: Since late March I’ve had a new therapist, Claudia. She’s a clinical psychologist and thank goodness regarding timing because I got an appt with her as this pandemic was getting into full swing. Due to the pandemic, I’ve only been able to have skype sessions with her, but it seems to work; we have appointments biweekly, tho at the beginning they were every week; I was surprised I liked having them every week (previously I usually needed monthly ones, though on occasion, slightly more frequent ones), but this pandemic has brought a lot of surprises. Claudia is in tune with me, she’s able to get to the core of whatever issues I bring forward, I cry my heart out as needed and after every appt I feel like I have new tools and better approaches to previously triggering situations; stuff I am able to apply right after. We’re doing CBT, it’s the first time I’ve done that regularly in consecutive sessions. I have homework now, of writing about situations that activate my anxiety more and there is a structure to how I write it too. I have experienced relief and in general are feeling better, BUT…I need to give her feedback because after a recent session, that was heavier due to the subjects that came up and a ton of crying, I sometimes feel unsettled at the end or in the hours after the session. Claudia doesn’t seem to come forward with as many ideas / hints for things to try as previous therapist, the wonderful Joan, who retired a year ago (I was her client for 7 years). Joan also functioned as an academic / career counselor – she was part of student services in the grad school I was in. I now have a separate career counselor (for free! thank you alumni services!).After a heavier session Joan would sometimes give me more ideas of how things could be more positive / provide a few more coping strategies. Claudia noted in the first few sessions that a) Joan knew me very well so it’s not going to be the same but that it’s worth giving a new person a chance and b) she told me that I need tell her if something isn’t quite working, esp. after she asked me what didn’t work with the therapists I tried since Joan. I tried 3 diff therapists before Claudia, over the course of 8 months, including the last one and they were a bad fit, I knew that in my gut 2-4 sessions in with each; I never even bothered to give them feedback because I felt totally ‘unheard’ by each of them, one kept telling me I have ‘anxiety brain’. Claudia is the first one that I feel truly understood by and heard by and that I don’t want to stop seeing; she is in tune with me. It’s also a comfort to have her esp. now. But I’m worried that maybe she’ll end up being a bad fit because I don’t always feel as energized or as optimistic as I did after sessions with Joan; sometimes after session with Claudia I end up thinking “that’s it? no other tips this week?”. I don’t want to feel unsettled afterwards. Has anyone been through that? Is this simply a bit of an adjustment that needs to happen on her end? I honestly hate the idea of having to look into another therapist, it’s been hard to find someone who gets me and my issues and I don’t really want someone else either. I’ll note that Claudia is in her late 30s/early 40s, Joan was close to 70 when she retired.I’m in my mid-30s, not sure how much that matters, but age and experience, sometimes, not always, are a factor. Any advice or insight you’re able to offer I’ll truly appreciate.

    1. fposte*

      The situation unfortunately makes it easy to compare Joan after seven years of experience with you to Claudia with only a little; it’s also tricky when you have a very specific template for what successful therapy looks like. However, it sounds like Claudia would be open to hearing that you’d like to end with a handful of tips of things for you to try–if you haven’t tried asking her that yet, I’d ask that.

      But I also think that if on balance she’s good for you I wouldn’t worry that eventually she may be a bad fit. She’s not now, and that’s what matters.

    2. Disco Janet*

      I’ve always considered it pretty standard to be feeling sad or unsettled at the end of a therapy session – to me, that doesn’t mean it’s not working – it just means I worked on some hard stuff today.

    3. Filosofickle*

      Since you like a lot about her, I’d talk about it and give her an opportunity to suggest / co-create solutions. Let her know you’re leaving feeling unsettled and ask what she can do to make sure you leave with the tools and forward direction you need.

      I had a therapist who always left me feeling broken wide open from the exploration, and he didn’t help put humpty dumpty back together! (He was new to the field.) I regret not saying anything. With my next one, we saved the last few minutes to check in with me and redirect on action steps or reassurance before the time ended. The more I have given feedback about what I need and how I feel, the better it has gone.

    4. Following one's heart*

      Thanks to you all! The comments as always, superthoughtful and superhelpful.

    5. LGC*

      So basically, you like Claudia, but you just feel more depressed after her sessions than you did with your old therapist?

      You might have to weigh your options. And you might have to weigh the situation you’re in now versus in February (and I am trying very hard to not launch into “politics” here) – maybe you are just going to feel overwhelmed now because to be honest these times ARE overwhelming. None of us are the same people we used to be.

      That said, although Claudia isn’t Joan…you can ask her to try something that Joan did that worked really well, I think. So, yeah, send her a message before your next session asking if she could provide more suggestions. I’m not sure how open she really would be to it, but it’s worth a shot.

      1. Following one's heart*

        Thanks so much. And yeah, very different times now, sigh…For one thing, therapy didn’t happen in my living room before.

  68. Anonforthis*

    Health question; has anyone had or have advice for treating mulluscum contagiosum?

    I think I might have the adult version of this (groin/buttocks), and need to talk to my partner. I’m nervous, embarrassed and have no idea where we would have been exposed especially during lockdown. I’ll have medical confirmation early next week.

    Any advice for treatment and outcomes, or how to talk with partner is much appreciated!

    1. RagingADHD*

      Yes, my daughter got this in kindergarten on her feet/knees, hands, and torso – probably from sharing dressup clothes.

      The doctor said basically not to worry about it because its not dangerous and her immune system would eventually clear it and any treatments she could use were far more aggressive than appropriate for the situation.

      She did advise keeping it covered to avoid spreading, not to re-use towels, and to wash & dry any linens or garments that made contact in hot water/hot dry.

      I read a lot of BS woo on the internet about curing it with (affiliate-linked) essential oils, but one tip turned out to be very helpful!

      Paint each bump with a dot of clear nail polish, 1x per day. The individual bumps cleared up much faster that way, and along with the hygeine precautions, the whole thing was soon over with.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Re: exposure – it’s a skin-surface infection, not systemic, and it spreads by physical contact. So you may have been exposed well before lockdown, didn’t notice the first couple of bumps, and been spreading it over the area by clothes, towels, bedsheets, etc.

        Any physical contact with a bump in its active stage can transfer it (like a wart). Intimate contact is one possibility, but it can also be picked up at pools, gyms, and other damp surfaces.

    2. WS*

      It’s surprisingly common, and it can sit on your skin for months before erupting, so you probably contracted it long before lockdown, though it’s also possible that your partner has it too but a much more minor version and hasn’t realised. Groin and buttocks makes it most likely that you sat on it, particularly in damp areas like a gym or poolside.

    3. Sweetheart*

      I had molluscum outbreaks on and off about a year and a half ago. The best treatment that worked for me was a dab of salicylic acid to cover each bump (I used Neutrogena’s) and then covered each spot with Duoderm. Duoderm is breathable so I’d leave it on about three days or so until it came off by itself. Usually by the time it comes off, the molluscum bump has gone down enough to not need another treatment, but if needed then I just put another dab of salicylic acid on and Duoderm, and repeat the process until the bump is down. Hope that helps!

    4. Anonforthis*

      Thank you all for your responses! So helpful to know about others experiences. In my part of the world, our government health websites list it as an std when it appears on the groin so I think my anxiety is more around that stigma. Such a good point that I could have sat in it at the gym. I did have a couple of visits to a sauna and pool before lock down.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Or your partner could have done the same and passed it to you. If you haven’t discussed it and they haven’t noticed it, they could have it without realizing.

        It is annoying and the idea of it is gross, but medically speaking it’s extremely minor.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I got this, probably from professional bikini waxing. My dermatologist and my gyne treated it differently. IIRC, one of them excised the lesions and one of them burned them with acid. Both methods worked.

      I wouldn’t worry too much about the conversation. This is more like a virus that causes a skin condition, and less like an STI.

  69. self employed*

    Anyone have expertise with plantain flour? I’m tempted to make cookies but I’m unsure as to what to expect. The internet says to sub 3/4 c for each 1c of regular flour, but it seems too good to be true. Tips?

    1. Reba*

      I’ve never baked with it, but I have eaten plantain fufu many a time. Based on that, I’d expect the plantain flour to behave pretty differently from wheat flour, likely yielding a dense and gooey, not to say gluey, texture.

    2. PX*

      Oh wow. Plantain flour sounds mad to me. But like Reba says, from my experience with them in their whole form, expect more sticky/goopy vibes.

      1. Reba*

        Maybe banana bread? Then it would be like, double banana.

        I truly love plantains so I’m so curious about the flour! But also, why make flour when you could fry them? :)

    1. RagingADHD*

      Around 75F. Sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less.

      We have a seperate dehumidifier, which helps reduce how much A/C is needed.

    2. Ranon*

      78 day (with ceiling fan), 74 night, we’ve also added a dehumidifier this year and it’s a great improvement.

    3. Choggy*

      69 or 70, we have three levels but only one zone with the thermostat on the second floor and the bedrooms are on the third floor, and yes, heat rises. I have a ceiling fan in the bedroom, but it’s just not enough and so now I’m looking for a good cooling fan. Does not help that I’m in the throes of menopause and hot flashes. I may have to move to the basement which stays like an icebox regardless of the weather.

    5. ThatGirl*

      76 during the day, 71 at night. I’d be ok with it a little higher at night but our bedroom does not cool off well so the thermostat is at 71 and the bedroom is still 75-76.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      73 overnight, 75 during the day if my husband is going to be home and 78 if he’s not. (Housemate and I are both lizard people who are always cold.)

    7. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      If you use a room air conditioner, I’ve found that its internal thermostat never matches the actual room temperature.

      So for me, 69 degrees F on the display = roughly 74 degrees in reality. We set it lower when we sleep.

      Can’t even imagine what our electric bill will be this summer, with us being home all the time. I’m sure there will be lots of people in the same boat.

    8. Sunset Maple*

      80 F, because we have to account for the skylights that bake the upstairs. Keeping it set lower would mean the A/C would never catch up, and our summer electric bills are pushing $400 a month as it is. It’s miserable, but we escape to the basement when we can. Thus far we have not found effective skylight covers that block the heat without the risk of cracking the triple-paned glass.

      1. Nicole76*

        Do you find the skylights more hassle than they’re worth? I think the idea of them is nice because you can get natural light in a place like a bathroom while still retaining privacy, but it seems like they are a pain to deal with.

        1. Sunset Maple*

          I could write an essay on what I’ve learned from having skylights, so feel free to scroll past if you become sorry you asked. :)

          I think they are brilliant in very specific circumstances…so specific, that they basically require you to be building the house from scratch. I did not do that, so in our current house, I don’t like them.

          Our house isn’t huge, but most of the upstairs is the master suite that takes up the whole width of the house. It has a cathedral ceiling with skylights on both the eastern and western slopes of the roof. Younger me thought that was amazing and romantic, imagining us falling asleep while stargazing from bed. Except–duh, Maple–I can’t sleep in my contact lenses. Staring vaguely at a blurry ceiling with dark holes somewhere up there, not so impressive.

          Having skylights on the east side means we can’t sleep past sunrise without wearing tight eye masks, which is miserable in the summer heat. Having skylights on the west side means we get that baking summer sun all day, turning the upstairs into a greenhouse. Having the thermostat on the first floor means we can’t get the upstairs cool enough to sleep without turning the first floor into an icebox (and spending a fortune). Living in a suburb means we have basically all grass except for a couple stereotypically-placed trees in the yard, which do little to block the sun.

          Custom skylight shades (because “standard size” doesn’t seem to exist for windows in a roof) cost us $500 a piece, blocked almost no heat or light despite claims to the contrary, and dry rotted in less than two years.

          So, if I was building a cabin on a wooded lot with mountain views in Vermont (which is my retirement dream), where I could have shade trees all summer, and where I could design the house with zoned heating and cooling for different floors, and where I could build the house facing north-south so I could sleep late without being blasted in the face with light–then yes, I would love to have skylights.

          1. Creapy Arms*

            Have you tried the cardboard covered with tin foil? My Sister made me some shades she used room darking material with tension rods. Worked great!

        2. Chaordic One*

          More hassle than they’re worth.

          In addition to the problems mentioned with their generating excess heat, it seems like they always leak. It just seems like it is impossible to construct a skylight that doesn’t leak, and it is seemingly equally impossible to add one to an existing building that doesn’t leak. In addition to the water when it leaks, you will inevitably end up with mold problems on top of everything else.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            My friend is a builder and he told me point blank do not do this. Reasons-leaks, mold, cleaning, replacing, repairing – it’s a money pit. He gives this advice to people for free because he is so. tired. of seeing people getting taken.

          2. Texan In Exile*

            Yes, one of my main childhood memories is of my dad going up to the roof to try to repair – again – the leak in the skylights in our house in San Antonio.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      76 during the day
      78 in the late afternoon/evening (which sucks because it’s the hottest part of the day but we’ve been asked to reduce energy consumption during those hours and 78 is the recommended min AC temp during that interval)
      74 overnight

    10. Chaordic One*

      I’m one of those people who is usually cold most of the time and as I’ve gotten older the situation seems to have gotten worse. In college I remember my roommate commenting on how I always had the temperature of our room set to 72 degrees F.

      My current apartment is a bit drafty and not particularly well-insulated. It seems like lately I’ve had the thermostat set at 75 degrees F during the winter and then at 80 degrees F during the summer. I dress for hot weather in the summer, usually wearing shorts and sleeveless tops when I’m inside my home or in the yard. Today has been our first really hot day, getting up into the 90s.

    11. Black Horse*

      78. This means the living room is probably 83 and the bedrooms are closer to 76. It’s generally cool at night here, so no AC at night except for a few nights a year during the bad heat waves.

    13. Aurora Leigh*

      We have a window unit AC. I set it to about 72-75 (keeps the house around 80). We turn it down to 68 at bedtime because my husband can’t

  71. Sunset Maple*

    I need cleaning help, folks!

    My husband decided that my champagne flutes were the perfect shape to root some plant cuttings. Now I am completely unable to get the mold/gunk out of the very tip at the bottom. Passive soaking in bleach (or other strong chemicals) has not helped, this requires elbow grease.

    What I need is a very slim brush that has firm bristles on the tip. Dish brushes have a rounded tip with bristles, but are too large to fit. Tiny brushes all have bristles around the circumference, but end in a metal tip. Folding over those brushes makes them too large to fit.

    I’ve tried thinking outside the box: pipe cleaners, aquarium supply, restaurant supply, none of then have bristles at the tip. The only thing I can think of that DOES have bristles at the tip, art/paint brushes, are all too soft to scrub away the gunk.

    Any ideas?

    1. Reba*

      You need the OXO kitchen appliance cleaning set! Nine bucks.

      It has the wire brush/pipe cleaner but in a loop, set on a handle.

      They also make a thing for cleaning baby bottles that might work for you.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Agree, a bottle brush should work. We have a set I use for water bottles and long skinny glasses.

    2. Ranon*

      I know you’ve tried chemicals, but I would give denture cleaning tablets a go if you haven’t yet, they’re phenomenal for that sort of thing.

      Would a toothbrush do it? Or washcloth over a toothbrush/ something pointy?

    3. Disco Janet*

      This is super duper specific, but Dr. Brown’s baby bottles have a little narrow tube, and they sell their own brushes specifically to fit in the tube. It does have bristles at the top. I’ll put the link in another comment in case it gets lost in moderation.

    5. Natalie*

      What about a brush made for cleaning breast pump parts? They have some tiny crevices and milk is fatty so abrasion is required. I’ll link the one I have in a reply.

    7. Stephanie*

      A bottle brush, maybe? For baby bottles, specifically. I have one that has bristles on the on the sides and spongy material on the tip, and a smaller, bristled tip in the other end.

    8. Colette*

      I’m thinking the brushes used to clean musical instruments (trumpets, specifically).

    9. Not A Manager*

      Google “how to clean a bong.” I suggest starting with very hot water, dish soap, and some baking soda. Let the mixture sit until it’s cool. Pour off most of it, leaving enough to cover the gunk by about one inch.

      Now add a LOT of kosher or other coarse salt. Using the palm of your hand, cover the top of the flute and shake very well to agitate the salt. Keep shaking until the salt has scrubbed off as much of the gunk as possible. Repeat if necessary.

    11. RavenEye*

      I don’t know how delicate they are, but I have gotten gunk like this out by using raw rice, a little water and swirling it. It’s abrasive enough, but delicate and light. You’d have to get creative, but I cleaned a vase just by swishing it in circles but upright.

    12. Sparkly*

      Use a denture cleaning tablet, pour in warm water, wait a couple hours, and rinse out thoroughly.

    13. Lost in the Woods*

      Lab glassware brushes. You can get some specifically designed for cleaning test tubes, which are even tinier than champagne flutes, and they’re meant to get serious gunk out.

      Obviously buy new, and I’d recommend pre-washing the brushes.

    14. Elf*

      Get a thin cloth or dishtowel, and poke it down in with a chopstick. Scrub around with the chopstick (through the towel). Should work great! (You can make do with a pen/pencil instead of a chopstick in a pinch but really not ideal)

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      Watching, I’m in South Florida. In the past we have seen the flame but I did not see it today.

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Me! My inner space addict 8y.o. is screaming of joy.

  73. Double L*

    Does anyone have experience writing wills with a lot of beneficiaries? I want to give some of my “fortune” to every maternal extended family member, including my direct family, which is 12 people total. Is that a ridiculous number? Most advice online just mentions spouses and children, of which I have neither. It doesn’t help that I want to give some to some of my friends as well so that would up the number a bit.

    1. PollyQ*

      I don’t have any experience, but that’s not going to stop me from giving advice. ;) I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with having a larger number of beneficiaries, and I’m not sure it’s that unusual anyway. It’s your money, and if you want to spread it around, that sounds great. I’d definitely work with an estate lawyer to make sure everything’s airtight. Maybe also give extra thought to who you pick as executor, since it may be more effort on their part.

    2. Choggy*

      My aunt who passed last year left her money/property to 10 people in my family and a couple of her friends. So I don’t think 12 is a ridiculous number at all. I was very surprised and touched to be included, as I’m sure your beneficiaries will be.

    3. SpellingBee*

      Do you want to give a certain amount to each person, or simply divide everything equally among all of them? If the former then it gets more involved, partly because of the way it would have to be written in order to account for the possibility that there either might not be enough money left to cover all the bequests or there might be money left over after the bequests were paid out, and then what happens to the residual estate. If you’re dividing it equally, then I believe you can just indicate that and list all the beneficiaries. You could also specify that one or two people should receive a larger percentage, with the remaining amount to be divided equally among everyone else. Also consider what you want to happen if a beneficiary predeceases you – do you want their share to go to their children (if any) or for their share to be rolled back into the total for distribution to the remaining beneficiaries?

      I’d recommend consulting an estate attorney for this. Wills don’t have to be complicated, but an attorney can advise you of state-specific issues and can draft a document to avoid problems down the road.

    4. Ronda*

      for money in investment accounts the easiest way for your beneficiaries to get the $ is by listing them as beneficiaries on the account. If that is done, one of them has to send the death certificate and the rest have to call and set-up the transfer (I helped my sister a little bit with the will executor stuff when my mom died). Accounts with named beneficiaries are not dispersed as part of the will.
      Accounts that my mom did not have beneficiaries had to be transferred to the estate, then dispersed by my sister to the rest of the beneficiaries. There were extra forms and hoops for doing this, it was a bit of a pain.

      personally I think leaving something that is not liquid like a house / personal belongings to multiple people is a pain for the beneficiaries to coordinate and decide what to do with, so I have things like that going to a specific person.

      But I think you should leave your stuff to as many people as you want to. It is your stuff, you get to decide exactly what you want to do with it.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Not writing them, but based on my experience working in a law office, do not name specific $$ amounts if you also have a residuary beneficiary. Use percentages.

      Saw a very sad situation where an older lady had a lifelong “dear friend” who lived with her (this was long before civil unions were a thing, much less marriage equality). The wealthy lady had done very well in the stock market, and wrote a will giving generous bequests to about a dozen nieces & nephews, the public radio station, her college, etc. And her life partner was to get the house and about half of the very large estate.

      Then the wealthy lady fell ill. And then the market tanked. She was no longer competent to revise the will.

      There was no residue of the estate. The house had to be sold to pay the bequests. There was just enough left over so the partner was able to get a small apartment, and some of the niblings knew & cared about the partner, so they helped her.

      But the deceased’s intention was to make the partner worry-free in their shared home for the rest of her days. And if the bequests had been percentages, that would have happened.

      I thought that kind of thing only happened in Dickens novels, till I saw it.

    6. Rick Tq*

      If there are a lot of people involved put in a “No Contesting the Will” clause. Basically, anyone who contests the will during probate is disinherited and gets nothing.

      Think about starting a Living Trust and using that vehicle to distribute your bequests. Trusts take effect when you pass on, wills and probate can take much longer and cost a lot more to complete.

      A good estate lawyer can help, especially with the law and practice in your area.

  74. Anon Health Problems*

    I’ve been having a bizarre set of health symptoms and I was wondering if anyone experienced something similar. I’ve never had these symptoms before and don’t know how to even interpret them. They are not super painful, but uncomfortable. I already saw a PCP and they ruled out ear infection and referred me to an ENT specialist, whom I will see this coming week.

    For over a month I’ve been feeling a heavy feeling in one of my ears. It started after getting over a cold, so I assumed it was congestion and started taking Mucinex and using a humidifier. It didn’t go away. A couple of weeks ago, I woke up with it feeling worse. The muscles around my lower ear area as well as my throat felt sore, and I developed a slight upper respiratory dry cough. The soreness impacts the back of my head area as well. I scheduled a last minute appt with my PCP thinking it was an infection. They said the front of my ear drum looked fine, so it might be a blockage in my Eustachian tube behind the drum. My only guess now is allergies. Has anyone experienced this?

    2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      It could very possibly be allergies. Something similar has happened to me a few times. It was NOT fun to wait three hours for the overbooked ENT doctor to get to me, only for him to say “I could have sworn there would be wax, but there is none,” and send me back home with shrugged shoulders, no treatment and no suggestions. I went to a second doctor when it happened a few years later, with the same result, but at least by then fluticasone proprionate (Flonase) became available. That didn’t totally solve the problem, but after taking it for a few days, it helped.

      Not sure at all if this is what will happen in your case (I’m totally not a doctor), but either way, good luck! This is not a fun thing to have.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Try taking Sudafed or the generic equivalent. You want the old-fashioned pseudoephedrine that they keep behind the pharmacy counter. I would take it 3x/day during the day for a few days and see if your symptoms clear up.

      I am not a med pro, but this is something my family and I have all done to clear up “stuffiness” when there’s not a clear infection going on. The key is to take it regularly for a few days, and not just when you have symptoms.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Yes, it sounds like eustacian tubes. They can become blocked or inflamed/irritated and swell.

      There are 2 basic approaches: dry the mucous up with decongestants, or flush it out. Personally, once it gets into that pressure & soreness stage, flushing works better for me.

      Continue the mucinex, but the plain guiefasen – no added decongestants. Also take ibuprofen or tylenol to reduce any swelling.

      Now you want to try loosening that stuff up so it will move.

      Drink as much as you can – gatorade, water, anything. Warm drinks throughout the day, too.

      Warm compresses on your neck. Look up where your eustacian tubes are, and give them a gentle downward massage.
      Let the hot shower run on the area and breathe the steam.
      Gargle warm salt water.
      Try to sleep on the side opposite the bad ear, so gravity helps you.

      Definitely follow up with the doc, but getting the gunk good & hydrated, and the tubes relaxed, can help it flow out like it’s supposed to.

      I did have a bad infection once that required steroids to get unblocked, but you want to avoid that if you can get it done without.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Personally I go for Sauna/Banya whenever I have these issues – burn it out. That and horseradish or wasabi can usually clean out whatever’s in your sinuses. Have you tried a good spicy Tom Yum soup?

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Make sure you watch your humidifier for mold.

      I have had a life time of ear stuff. It sounds like allergies. But some things I actually had to have fixed by a chiropractor. I am mentioning it because muscles below the ear can increase ear problems but be a separate problem- it’s hard to sort which is the chicken and which is the egg. If you are open to chiropractic, I’d recommend it. You’d want someone who has had experience in helping with ear problems.

    7. Anon Ear Pain*

      I can relate…the timing of your post is surprsingly coincidental, my very similar symptoms happened in reverse. I had a cold, that ended but the ear infection followed. I had pain and a fullness and heaviness in the ear. It subsided, but I needed antibiotics, then after three weeks it came back, needed antibiotics again. The pain finally went away, but the fullness stayed for a bit and then I ended up with vertigo, which is apparently an after effect of a middleear infection. I STILL have this vertigo and it’s not getting that much better…which will mean an ENT referral most probably and possibly physio once they re-open here. The fullness in the ear is nearly gone, but to get over it, I was prescrived a nasal spray and told to take advil cold & sinus. All that to say, I really get what you’re going through and hope you get relief soon…and that you don’t get vertigo like me. Btw..I haven’t had an ear infection in YEARS, it was so surprising and annoying that I had it at all…uggh.

      1. Anon Health Problems*

        I sympathize. Maybe antihistamines will help with the vertigo a little bit? They mostly make you sleepy, but also distract from the vertigo and maybe even reorient your sense of balance.

        I’ve had vertigo before and it sucks. Actually, what happened was I got positional vertigo (ear crystals) in the same ear that is giving me trouble now 2 years ago. I had to go to the ENT twice at the time to do the Epley maneuver to get it fixed. It relocated the ear crystals. I treated the residual dizziness with Antivert and it eventually went away.

        The fullness in the ear has made me feel imbalanced and a bit disoriented, but not full on vertigo like last time.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I had my partner help me do the Epley manouver at home once, because I couldn’t get an appointment in a reasonable timeframe and the vertigo was intolerable.

          It really, really, really sucked but it helped afterward.

    8. Black Horse*

      I’ve had something similar: fullness in my right ear, pain in my ear and on the right side of my head, heat, an odd sensation like my ear was “breathing” occasionally when I took a breath, and an occasional “crinkling” sound. It started last spring after a cold. I would have sworn it was an ear infection. But after seeing a GP (“nope, it’s not an infection–your eardrum looks great”) and an ENT and some tests (“hmm…eardrum looks fine, Eustachian tube appears to be working normally, hearing is fine…”), their best guess is that it’s a combination of allergies and a TMJ issue causing certain muscles in my head to tense up and cause the symptoms. My physical therapist was able to alleviate the symptoms by manipulating my skull bones a bit to remove pressure on the inner ear (temporary, but good to know it was possible). It went away over the summer and was fine all winter, but is back again now (allergy season!). It helps to do relaxation techniques and to be aware of how much I tense my jaw during the day, and to know it’s presumably temporary. I haven’t tried allergy meds, but that was suggested as well by my ENT.

      1. Anon Health Problems*

        OMG what you’re describing is exactly what I’m experiencing. I’m not sure about “breathing”, but yes – the hot sensation in my ear and crinkling sound.

      2. Me Too*

        I had a similar set of symptoms and saw an ENT specialist who also suggested TMJ as the cause. Relaxing my jaw and becoming aware of tension in my tongue has helped a lot.

  75. Pinkie pie*

    Covid caused my husband’s office to realize that IT can be done remotely. I already worked from home and have relocated my office to the bedroom. Right now, he’s working on the other side of the bedroom while my kids are working on school work in my office. He’s like really loud. Any tips on soundproof a bedroom that wouldn’t call for permanent changes?

    1. nep*

      Can you wear noise-cancelling headphones? Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but…

    2. Angstrom*

      If you’re both in the same room, there’s not a lot you can do short of building a wall. A divider and making reflective hard surfaces softer —— drapes, wall hangings, etc. will help a little but probably not enough. A white noise generator might block some of the voice but the constant sound can be annoying all by itself.
      A good set of over-the-ear headphones may be your best bet.

  76. Anon for this post*

    My sister and brother-in-law stopped by with their kids today. My brother-in-law seemed to be in a mood- he didn’t greet anyone and was spouting off about politics, current events, health issues, etc. He was giving lip to my mom, which she didn’t deserve. He started raising his voice to her to the point where I walked out of the room. (To her credit, my mom kept her cool and calmly talked with him.) My sister just sat on the couch looking at her cell phone- she did nothing. They stayed for about 30 minutes and left. I honestly don’t know why they came by. We just were there to listen to my BIL vent.

    In this situation, should anything have been done? If it happens again, should we ask them to leave? We saw them last week and everything was fine- I don’t understand what is going on and it was extremely uncomfortable. My sister’s non-reaction has me puzzled as well. (We’re not super close, so I can’t talk to her about anything.)

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s fine to say “Oh, Bob, we hear enough about this stuff and we’d rather just catch up on home stuff” or “Bob, it sounds like you’re bringing some stress about other stuff to this conversation, because you’re getting weirdly intense–let’s just talk about the kids for a while.” Some of this will depend on whether your family takes a “we will do anything to avoid a fight” approach or not, but there’s certainly no obligation for you all to talk about what BIL wants to talk about just because he’s the loudest or malest in the room.

      1. Anon for this post*

        I just tried to focus on my nephews and engage with them in the activities that they were doing. My sister seemed sort of quiet, but she gets like that. I just don’t know if he is like this with her or if there is reason to be concerned. She has a temper too though. I don’t think anyone is being hurt physically. I am not sure if I should reach out or not. I just feel drained right now so I’m trying to decompress.

        1. fposte*

          I wasn’t there, but your description didn’t sound like he was violent, just domineering, and that all three of you–your sister, your mother, and you–fell into a pattern of just letting him talk. Do you think that’s usual or unusual for your family when faced with somebody who talks over people? I agree with what seems to be your tacit point that it’s usually the spouse who would intervene in a situation like that, but it’s fair game for anybody to redirect Bob even if she doesn’t.

        2. WellRed*

          I’d be surprised if he *wasn’t* like that with her. People are usually better behaved in public than behind closed doors. Can you shoot her a text after you decompress to ask, ‘hey, is everything all right?” She may not respond or be truthful of course, but it lets her know you are thinking of her.

    2. Lady Farquaad*

      I wouldn’t be surprised if he is even more domineering and bullying towards your sister.

      The thing is, this kind of behavior only gets worse if tolerated. It’s fine to say “You seem like you’re not very happy being here, why don’t you go home and we can catch up later.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have used, “Oh, today looks like a bad day. Why don’t we try again on a different day? Maybe get some rest or down time?” But yeah.

    3. valentine*

      Coordinate with your mom on a response. You can definitely say you won’t tolerate anyone speaking that way to anyone in your household, but this fails if your mom takes his side in the moment, especially if it’s her house.

  77. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Has anyone been on Medicaid and private insurance and noticed a difference in care? I am wondering if there’s truly a difference in care. I asked around elsewhere but it was mostly based on cost than care. 

    As I’ve been on both, I have had lots of bad experiences on one but not sure if it was my own bad luck. I point to insurance because while the doctors and centers and neighborhoods changed, the insurance was hte common denominator. I had a scare with my health insurance this week so I decided to apply and was instantly approved for Medicaid. However, in order to qualify for a plan to cover my prenatal visits, I have to terminate my current coverage. I still have time to look more into it and just wanted to hear of peoples experiences. 

    Details in the next comment and CW for pregnancy, loss and other medical things.

    1. Disco Janet*

      I had insurance through my job for one pregnancy and not the other. Whether or not there was a difference in care seemed to depend on the provider. Our big, local university hospital gives the same great treatment regardless – but that’s not true of other hospitals in the area. I think it would be help full for you to research this more in your area than a general question to everyone, because it varies so greatly. But ultimately, I’d go with Medicaid in your situation – trusting an employer you don’t work for anymore to keep up on your healthcare stuff sounds like it has too much potential for complications, especially when you’re pregnant and have other health issues going on and must have that regular medical care.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That makes sense to check in the area. I’m in NYC and I’ve been to 6 different providers/systems over the last 11 years. The last 3 (on work insurance) have been better in terms of timing, but the first 3. It’s just a random thought I had several years ago that I never gave much thought to because it wasn’t an issue at that time. It was just a huge relief to be able to go to the doctor, and be done within a work lunch hour rather than take a full day off.

        I was going to apply for Medicaid for myself and baby close to my due date month because I needed coverage for the baby as well. Adding someone on my work insurance was going to easily double the cost but now I may have to do it earlier than anticipated. I’ve paid for June so I have time to research and figure it out.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      When I was on Medicaid for my first and second pregnancies, my obgyn appts would be at 830 or 9 am, but I would still be seen at 1 PM. I would leave and the doctor would call me to come back because she forgot something and I’d have to go through the whole check in process again, and the doctor wouldn’t see me for antoher 2-3 hours. When I had my first ultrasound, there was no doctor around so I had to wait 5 days to get results. The Dr said it was going to be light cramps but it was the most physically painful thing ever. Very traumatic experience. For the second one, I was recommended a d&c. It’s only now I’ve come across so many anecdotes of pregnancies that ended up being viable after giving it time and getting a 2nd or 3rd opinion. I didn’t think that was possible at the time, so I opted for the d&c to avoid the pain again. It was scheduled for 8 AM but I wasn’t taken in until 6 PM.

      A visit to urgent care for other things would be 6 hour wait. For an abscess on my torso, my pcp just cut it and slapped a bandaid on it. My ER doctor friend said the proper way to do it was to numb it, drain it and pack with sterile gauze.

      When I started working and had to pay for my insurance – 

      -I’m seen within 10-20 minutes of any specialist appt or urgent care check in.

      -For my third pregnancy I was able to be seen asap by my obgyn without an appointment.

      -I had a breast ultrasound two days ago (the weird scheduling issue I wrote about last week) and after the tech finished, the radiologist came by. I waited less than 5 minutes for her, and she was very patient with me, answering all my questions. From check in to exit I was there 1 hour.

      -All my current prenatal appts have been under 2 hours. I go in, I’m seen within 10 minutes of checking in. 

      I won’t say it’s been 100% perfect, there have been a few weird issues with doctors or staff here and there but for the most part, when I was job hunting this was a major worry of mine that every doctor appointment would be 6+ hours and I’d never be able to hold down a job esp if I got pregnant.

      I’m just wondering if my own experiences were the norm. When I was first let go from my job I was terrified of losing my insurance. Everyone suggested Medicaid and while I’m grateful it’s there, I feel the doctors I was able to see while on it weren’t very great. As always, not looking for medical advice, just personal experiences or even data/studies if possible before I take the leap and terminate my coverage.

      1. Cat*

        I think it’s less Medicaid and more about the doctor. Personally I would be reluctant to switch while pregnant from a doctor I loved if there was any way to keep my current insurance.

        That said there might be good options that take Medicaid too. I was at a big university hospital that takes all insurance and had great care.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          The practice I go to does take a Medicaid plan (not direct Medicaid) but not my specific doctor. That’s exactly why I was freaking out and wanted to keep my insurance at the time.

          However, I just found out at my last appointment that the regular Dr I’ve been seeing doesn’t do deliveries anymore so it’s kind of moot to stick with him. I’m OK with seeing a different doctor as long as it’s within the same practice. I have my biweekly appt this week so I will talk to them then.

          1. Cat*

            Oh yeah, I think the practice is more important than the doctor. Even if he did do deliveries who knows who will be on call day of. So if you can switch within the same practice that sounds like a win win.

        2. Texan In Exile*

          I asked a pediatrician friend about this once. She said she makes a point of not looking at her patients’ insurance information because she does not want that information to affect how she treats them.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            How would the type of insurance they have affect her treatment of them?

            1. Sandra*

              I think that people on Medicaid are assumed to be poor, and sometimes not treated as well as people with private or work insurance. Poor people are often discriminated against.

      2. Fulana del Tal*

        Agreeing with Cat, you have to find the right hospital/clinic. My relative when she first called a very prominent hospital/medical group in the NYC area was told she would have a three month wait to see an OB/GYN, so she called another hospital group and was able to make an appointment quickly.
        I feel you should switch now because of the employment situation, it means one less thing to worry about.

    3. Millicent*

      I think it depends on your state. I was unemployed (by choice) in Massachusetts for a while and prepared to self-pay for an insurance plan. Turns out that Massachusetts automatically puts people on their version of medicaid if you are not currently employed. I was worried about it at first because I didn’t know anything about it, but it was way better than the plan I had through my previous employer! It’s even much better than the non-medicaid plan I paid like $400 a month for, later and in a different state.

      However, I think I was just lucky and Massachusetts has really good health insurance plans in general.

    4. Red Sky*

      It really just depends on which doctors in your area accept medicaid and that can vary widely. Medicaid has set $$ rates they’ll pay for services that are less than private insurance companies, so some providers wont accept it. A friend in a larger city had to go on medicaid when she was pregnant and got excellent pre and postnatal care, but she also was fortunate in that the OB she worked with took medicaid. If it were me, I’d get trusted recommendations for several doctors and contact them directly to find out if they accept medicaid and if they’re accepting new patients (good docs who take medicaid often have a waiting list). If so, I’d feel safer dropping my insurance, especially if I’d had negative experiences with them.

    5. nep*

      The one year I used Medicaid (my state’s one that has expanded Medicaid under the ACA), I saw no difference at all in quality of care that was available to me compared to years previous when I had private insurance–it all seemed quite efficient and the offices that did accept my Medicaid plan were quite helpful and available.
      I don’t have extensive experience to share, as I did only routine check-up and blood work for the most part.

    6. Hazelnut Bunny*

      I’ve had 3 kiddos and been on and off Medicaid.

      1st- Insurance A(self paid, not employer) and no Medicaid(didn’t realize I was eligible)
      2nd- Insurance B(employer paid) and Medicaid
      3rd- Insurance B and no Medicaid(not eligible)

      *In my state, you can have Medicaid and employer insurance.*
      My current insurance, Insurance B, does not cover hardly anything.

      I have felt as though my insurance played a factor at times but it depended on the office. I did notice it more so when I just had employer insurance. I wondered if it was because it barely covered anything and I had to pay out of pocket. With Medicaid, most everything was covered or at a reasonable cost. I have changed providers but only because I want to feel comfortable while addressing my medical needs.

      I have not changed my ob office as I did thorough research before I chose them. The office accepts almost all insurances and has several(10+) doctors with varying specialities as well. I did change obs after my first child as the original failed to inform me she was going to be out of the country a month before and after my due date. I loved the doctor who delivered my first so much that I permanently switched to her. And she was there for both of the other two births including one that happened within an hour of her being called at home.

      I think most importantly you need to feel comfortable that your doctor can provide you with the level of care you expect.

    7. Fikly*

      So, Medicaid, from the provider side, is a huge pain to deal with. So generally speaking, providers who have enough patients wanting to see them who do not have Medicaid, will not choose to accept Medicaid. (You also see this with very very good doctors who don’t accept any insurance at all, because they are in such high demand that they don’t have to, and thus they are spared from needing to deal with insurance at all.)

      And generally, those providers who have more patients wanting to see them tend to be better providers. The exception is those providers who accept Medicaid because of a desire to provide care to an underserved population, regardless of their ability to attract patients.

      So it’s not that Medicaid means a lower standard of care, it’s that the providers who accept Medicaid, in general, do so because they don’t have the skills/quality to not accept Medicaid, but there are exceptions.

    8. Black Horse Dancing*

      I’ve had both and doctors can be good or bad no matter what you have. My state has managed care organizations–three insurance companies that cover Medicaid patients.You get an insurance card from the provider and the doctors/medical teams tell you “We accept BCBS, Presbytrian, etc.) or”No, we only accept Atena.”

    9. PollyQ*

      I found it incredibly difficult just to get a doctor’s appointment using straight Medicaid. Fortunately, at least in CA, there’s something called “continuation of care” that allowed me to go back to using my old PPO but have Medicaid pay for it that made a world of difference. There were still a number a times where specific treatments or referrals had to be approved by Medicaid, but they never denied anything, and the wait for approval was pretty minimal.

      It’s possible the Medicaid system is more responsive for expectant mothers, so you might not have the same difficulty with appointments I did.

    10. NicoleK*

      I’ve been on both. The difference I noticed was in dental providers. Fewer providers accepting Medicaid and Medicaid may offer fewer dental benefits.

  78. Rose*

    If someone who comments here had weight loss surgery themselves, or otherwise has experience through knowing someone who had it I would like to hear about it please if you are comfortable sharing. I am considering it and looking at the different types but I’ve never met anyone whose had it (that I know of). I’m 160 cm tall and weigh 25 stone.

    1. Martha Marcy May Marlene*

      For non-British AAM readers [I’m assuming Rose is British based on the units, I stand to be corrected on that]

      160 cm = 5 foot 2.9 inches
      25 stone = 350 pounds

      I have a colleague who had gastric bypass about five years ago. He did lose lots of weight and he says it is the best thing he ever did and would recommend it to anyone. Good luck with whatever you decide Rose.

    2. TemporarilyMe*

      Happy to share. Not UK, but I think the surgery I had is done in Europe (one of the best surgeons for this specific procedure is in Spain, my friend went there).
      I had the vertical gastrectomy with Duodenal Switch. The VG part made my stomach long and narrow (banana like) and the outer curve of the stomach was cut off – the pyloric sphincter is still there (less occurrence of the dumping syndrome). Also left enough of my small intestine so I don’t need b-12 shots or have some of those issues (although I do have a lifetime of supplements and lab work that I have to prioritize or I am in physical harm). It is also important to understand how long your common channel is and the ramifications of that. Some RnY (stomach stapling) folks don’t know which of the 3 versions they have, and it makes a difference.
      I did a lot of therapy and education (and lived on the diabetic exchange diet for 2 years) before I had the surgery, and had a strong support network My surgeon had a solid support group (and there was a special fee for the after care… it was not free, but the followup is and continues to be good).

      Here in the US there are published studies in the clinical journals (American Society of Bariatric Surgeons), and the outcomes and variables should be considered. I went with the one that had the best 10-20 year outcomes.

      I am a success story but it was not the surgery – it was the perseverance, the every day decisions, the support…. the surgery was a tool, not a brain transplant. I also exercised. At first, just walking. Then I added elliptical, then another exercise machine ( as well) then added weights (as well). I added one minute a day, each day, until I was strong and lean and I kept that up until I reached goal. (and beyond, but not at quite the same rate).

      Don’t let that exercise part scare you – it is to encourage. Never in a million years would I have thought that my decision – that I was fed up with being so heavy, and my father had just died of (preventable diabetes symptoms /heart) – would lead me to this solid result. I just knew I wanted better, and I set modest goals – breaking (-x pounds), and then the next -x, and then the next. And I’d celebrate – not food – and keep planning and moving. And remind myself that each journey of a thousand miles begins with a few steps. I just took it one good decision at a time, and did NOT give up even when I made a bad one.

      But the biggest thing for me was complete honesty (I had a lot of baggage – and still do – to sort through, but that became the one area where I was utterly honest – I wrote down every calorie I ate, journaled my food, and looked at the feelings, context, reasons… and addressed the whole me, for the first time).

      It was oh, so worth it. Almost 20 years later, and I’m still at goal. And still alive. I thought I’d be dead by now, given my family history.

      If you want more specifics on the surgery, the importance of the support group, some of the online boards (I am sure they are still there)… realize that to a certain extent, it is like buying a new car. Everyone has invested in (and thus defends) the one they got. You need to choose the best surgery and surgeon for you. Here in the US, I wound up paying almost $10K out of pocket by the time it was said and done, but at the time, that was about 1/2 of the cost of a new SUV, and I was far better served (still alive, and I’ve soared personally – leaving a toxic job, as well after I lost weight) to invest in me than in a depreciating vehicle.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I had gastric bypass in December 2013. I lost about 140 pounds and gained back about 25 (that’s normal). Best thing I ever did for myself. As TemporarilyMe says, it’s a tool, kind of a reset button, not a brain transplant. If you don’t fix the issues that cause you to overeat, you won’t be successful. I also had the excess skin removal, which was a tummy tuck with abdominal muscle repair. I did that in 2017. I’ll link you, in a separate post, to some of my blog entries so you can read all the details. Too much to write here!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Here are some posts about my experience. Ask me anything you want. Enjoy and good luck!

        Things I wish I knew before surgery: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2015/12/two-years-ago-today-december-6-through.html
        Part 2, things I wish I knew before surgery: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-post-op-life-things-i-wish-i-knew_16.html
        Pre-op process: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-pre-op-process.html
        Things I miss about my old life: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/03/what-do-i-miss-about-my-old-life.html (in short, I grieved the loss of my old eating experiences)
        Six month mark: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/06/six-months-and-100-pounds-lost.html
        My one-year anniversary: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2014/12/happy-one-year-surgiversary-to-me.html
        Two-year anniversary: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2015/12/two-years-ago-today-december-6-through.html
        Five years post-op: https://itjustdawned.blogspot.com/2018/12/five-years-post-op.html

    4. Penguin BFF*

      I had an involuntary gastric sleeve done. By involuntary, I mean I had an ulcer that perforated my stomach and was leaking into my abdomen so I had emergency surgery. I went to the ER at 7:30 am and was in surgery at 6 pm. So my take is unique. It was hard. So hard. I cried almost constantly for the first two weeks because I wanted food. It does get better and the first time you get to eat is amazing. You have to be really prepared emotionally, I think. You can only eat a certain way and certain things for a long while and it takes a six months to a year to go back to normal. I was 199 at surgery (apparently I had a bunch of swelling which increased my weight) and now I’m around 140? (I don’t weigh.) If you follow the rules it’s pretty easy to keep off, but you have to follow the rules. I eat four small meals a day, drink 80 oz of water a day and wait 25 minutes after eating before drinking. I eat mostly protein and take vitamins because I can’t get in enough produce. I also got kidney stones because I had too much protein and not enough water. So my advice is to prepare yourself and walk to your team ahead of time. The nutritionist I wound up with didn’t understand that I didn’t want to have surgery and kept telling me to be happy I was losing weight when three weeks previous I was told I was lucky they caught it in time. Plus, her folder of information she gave me was contradictory and out dated. There’s a lot of online support groups as well and that really, really helped me.

  79. Thursday Next*

    Has anyone here bought a newly built house in a new development—or considered it but decided against it?

    After 25 years in urban apartments, I realized that I am clueless about how to assess this particular question. Does anyone here have any suggestions for what I should be thinking about when considering buying in a new development?

    1. Ranon*

      Trees! Because of the way new developments are created they tend to compact the ever loving everything of all the soil (or let’s be honest, dirt, they’ve likely stripped the topsoil and even if they’ve stored it stored it in such a way that it’s pretty much dead). If there aren’t any existing trees preserved it’s likely to be pretty bleak- you can expect most new planted trees to have a lifespan of about 5 years or so, it’s not uncommon for it to take 2-3 rounds for the soil to loosen up enough for trees to really establish.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Is it a development (meaning a neighborhood built all at the same time) or a homeowner’s association (formal organization for all buyers/residents)? If the latter, how is it organized in terms of rules, governance, assessment and reserves?
      I’m a lifelong renter, so this is as much as I know on the subject. I began to think about home ownership after observing the varied experiences (some good, some terrible) of people I know who live in condominiums.

      1. Thursday Next*

        A development—one builder doing everything at the same time.

        I think renting and owning apartments each have up and downsides; we’ve now owned for as long as we had previously rented. For all the negatives we’d heard about NYC coops, we’ve found ours to be pretty chill. We didn’t know how it would be until we moved in, though. I guess that’s true of a lot of “where should I live?” decisions.

    3. RMNPgirl*

      I bought in a new development last year.

      Pros – my house is new and I’m the only one who has lived in it. Everything is new and up-to-code so no concerns about things falling apart. Everyone in the neighborhood is new or newish so much easier to form relationships since you’re not trying to get in with established groups.

      Cons – immature landscaping, all the trees and bushes are small so there’s not the nice look of big tall shady trees down a street. My house backs up to a conservation easement so I do have some mature nature which was a huge bonus for this neighborhood over other new developments. Another con is delivery services have issues finding your house if it’s not yet built into all the gps systems.

      With any house buying, spend time going to open houses in different neighborhoods to figure out what you really like and want. What are the dealbreakers and what are the minor things that could go any way? I spent a year looking at houses before finding this one.

      1. SpellingBee*

        All excellent points. Also look at how far along the development is – ideally you don’t want to be stranded, so to speak, as one of 3 or 4 houses in a neighborhood designed for 100 homes (have seen that happen due to bankruptcy of a builder). In that same vein, research the builder thoroughly; while most of the volume builders are okay (not great, but okay), some are better than others. We bought in a new development just over 3 years ago and have been happy with our choice. The house isn’t my custom dream house, of course, but it’s decently-built and in a desirable area, and was in our price range.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Thanks—I hadn’t thought about your point about stranding, which seems really important!

    4. The Tenth Doctor*

      My aunt and uncle bought a new home when they downsized after all their kids left the nest, and my sister and BIL bought one when they got married. In both cases it was a complete nightmare. The houses looked great and up to code, but there were so many issues that didn’t show up immediately but took a few years to pop up (cracks in the walls or foundation, a roof that isn’t done properly and will eventually leak, pipes with major issues just to name a few). Every time they got something fixed another issue popped up. My aunt and uncle had to move out after a couple of other homes in their development had electrical fires. The developer refunded them and the others in the development after being taken to court due to problems in another one of their development and they lost the case. That developer was a big name and ended up going bankrupt. My aunt and uncle were lucky to get any money back at all. They are renting an apartment now. My sister and BIL have been tied up in court with their developer for years. Their house had no issues until 3-4 years after they bought it. They can’t even live in that house now but they are still stuck paying the mortgage and they can’t sell it because it will never pass an inspection. Even someone who flips houses won’t bother because she said the entire thing will have to be torn down and rebuilt from scratch. My girlfriend is a realtor and she says she will never buy a house that is less than 20 years old. Her cousin is a plumber and he says he has seen so many problems at new developments and condos that he wouldn’t either. I havs seen many news stories about the issues with new homes and condos and the infrastructure sounding them (municipal and otherwise). Knowing what I know and after the experience of my family members, I will never buy a new development.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This happened to my sibling and is the reason my things are no longer stored at their house. They gave up and are moving. Although I don’t want another 70-year-old clunker, I also wouldn’t buy in a new development either.

        Also, I really hate how they don’t put sidewalks in developments. They’re usually in the outskirts of suburbs and very car-centric. When you drive into one, you see kids everywhere playing in the damn street. There’s no place to walk.

      2. Thursday Next*

        That sounds like a nightmare. I’m so sorry several members of your family had to deal with this.

    5. Real estate Regan*

      I used to work at a real estate law firm. After all the cases I saw, I would never in a million years purchase a home that was newly built. Yes, there can be problems anywhere but the amount of construction defects and problems which aren’t apparent at time of sale are numerous. Many developers cut corners to make a bigger profit. If I was asked for advice I would tell whoever is asking not to buy new.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thanks, Real estate Regan.

        Is it builders from a specific time forward that started cutting corners? Or is it just that builders were undertaking more developments, and on a larger scale, from a particular time forward, so we see more problems?

        1. Ranon*

          Oh, they’ve been cutting corners since, well, forever. But generally by 5 years in all the cuts on the corners are pretty apparent.

          Quality of a new build will also depend on where you buy- an area that requires, say, blower door testing for air tightness of every new house is going to have a (somewhat) different build quality than somewhere that does minimum life safety inspections.

    6. Sunset Maple*

      My parents built on rural land and served as their own GC, so they could assure quality. (They insisted on 2x6s, demanded specific insulation grade and volume, chose all the windows and doors and supplies, and a whole ton of other aspects that I forget.) They were on the property almost daily, checking over the day’s work and making sure no corners were cut. It required constant harping, and some demanding that shoddy work be re-done.

      I would not buy a new house that I did not have say in the building of, and that goes double for a home in a development.

    7. Rick Tq*

      Be very wary of developments with HOAs, Covenants, Conditions and Restrictions (CC&Rs), and (in California) Mello-Roos assessments.. HOAs are Home Owner Associations that collect fees (and assessments) to pay for maintenance of the common areas, pools, gates, etc. AND are a frequent home of Karens who take joy in enforcing the letter of the CC&Rs against any and all who annoy them. Mell0-Roos are taxes that aren’t deductible on federal taxes. If the HOA board votes in a special assessment for repairs you must pay it or potentially lose your house to forclosure the same as if you didn’t pay your mortgage.

      CC&Rs are restrictions the deed on what you can do with your house, some times down to number of pets, no outside cloths dryers, or performing auto maintenance in your driveway.

    8. Kay*

      My dad and my uncle are retired electricians. They worked for a large company. If I said the name anyone from our area would recognize it. That company actually refuses to work with developers on new residential builds full stop even though they can lots of money on it. There have been so many problems around here with developers doing shoddy work when building housing developments that the company didn’t want their name or employees to be associated with them and didn’t want to get dragged into the court cases. My dad always advises me not to buy a new build if I ever buy a house.

      1. Thursday Next*

        It’s really telling when professional services won’t work with a builder. It sounds like researching builders carefully is the way to go if considering a new development.

    9. RC Rascal*

      I lived in a newly built apartment complex once. It was beautiful and luxurious. It was also garbage. Crooked walls, poorly insulated, cheap plumbing. So glad I didn’t own it.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Yes! The crooked walls! What’s up with that? My mom owns a duplex that I guess is technically a condo. It’s crap construction – the bathroom cabinets aren’t squared! Stuff doesn’t line up. I am not a carpenter and I look at her house and think, Nobody here used a level or a ruler during construction. It’s awful.

        And she has an HOA that is a nightmare. The president of the HOA likes to swim outdoors, even in October, so decided to heat the neighborhood pool through October at HOA expense. My mom has had to become an activist, attending HOA board meetings and taking notes and holding people accountable. Not how I want to spend my time. (At least, not for that issue – I am focused on November.)

    10. T.J.*

      When I went to college I lived with my brother and sister-in-law. They had just bought a newly built home. It was not quality. Both staircases were uneven, the windows were drafty and some walls were uneven and didn’t meet at the seams. I really appreciated their generosity in letting me stay there but sometimes honestly wished my scholarship included a dorm room or that I could have afforded to live on my own. I would have taken a small dorm with less privacy over living there because the quality was so bad. They ended up selling at a huge loss. I don’t even know how that place passed inspection.

    11. Gatomon*

      NO. Wait at least 10 years, by then it should be clear if there are major problems, as others have said. The only way I’d do a new build is if you picked your own contractor and were able to be heavily involved in the build to ensure it was done right. Absolutely no developments, especially if it’s on a bit of untouched land that’s surrounded by development. There’s probably a reason that lot hasn’t been touched yet, and it isn’t good. There’s a big case a few cities over of people who bought homes on a freaking natural spring.

      Just before I moved out of my apartment, a builder started building a small housing development on some old industrial land that had been cleaned up. I watched those homes sit framed but with 0 house wrap or roofing material on for weeks through rain and snow. They’d frame one or two up and then move on to frame up another couple, then go back and put on house wrap on the first two, then the second set, only then they’d go and roof the first, etc. etc. On several of them the house wrap and/or siding was put on while the building was still visibly wet as well. Those poor buyers are in for a disaster down the line. I also watched them paint a garage right before a big thunderstorm blew through. The paint ran all over, it was horrendous and took several months for them to go back and fix it.

    12. Thursday Next*

      Thanks to everyone who responded! You brought up a lot for me to consider.

  80. RMNPgirl*

    Does anyone have a Roomba or other automatic vacuum? What would you recommend?

    I hate vacuuming and would love to get one but am wondering how good they really are. I do have a cat that sheds quite a bit, so do they pick up pet fur well? Also, I’ve heard the horror stories of them running over pet poop or vomit and spreading it, so can I run them while home (are they quiet enough)? Finally, do I need to pick up all of my cat’s toys before they run?

    1. Misty*

      My roommate had a Roomba until he got rid of it. I know some people like it but ours kept getting stuck under the couch, in corners, etc. I think that may just be because our house is cramped and we have a lot of people and furniture but we got sick of having to rescue it constantly.

      Basically this youtube video is what was happening constantly with ours getting stuck:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elmpSUL7hf4

      Just it kept happening all over and not just under desk chairs!

    2. Selmarie*

      We had one, and gave it away. We did use it for a while, first, though. Some of the things I didn’t like: I hated the look of all of the little towers you need to set up to control where they can go or not in your house (and all the batteries they needed!). It routinely got itself trapped in our powder room by pushing the door closed ;) I really hated having to clean out (and remember to) the compartment that collects all of the junk, and I think we had to replace the rollers once. Also, before it was set to run, I did have to remember to arrange the kitchen table and chairs so it could get through all under them. I did think it was a little noisy, too.

      That said, I did notice a commercial for one now that empties the compartment for you, which would be helpful, so you don’t have to remember to do that. (The compartment is small, and I felt like it should be emptied pretty often.). It did pick up a lot of yuck, including cat hair/dust bunnies.

      In the end I decided I’d rather drag out the regular vacuum, but if your home is set up differently than mine, the roomba might be simpler for you or worth it. I’ll be interested to hear what others have to say, too.

    3. Lcsa99*

      We had a bobsweep, which is supposed to be particularly good with pet hair, and I guess it was, but it was so annoying. It took FOREVER to do just one room because it would do a little bit, then take forever to recharge; it would literally take all day to do our 900 some sq ft apartment and we would sometimes have to cancel its last portion so we could sleep. It had problems getting over our rugs so if you have rugs and hardwood floors its a bad idea. It was annoying to take it apart to clean the brushes after it was done for the day and apparently our electric bill went down after we got rid of it because the charger used a ton of electricity.

      Basically, having Bob was like having any annoying roommate and we’re glad we evicted him. What he took all day to do, we can do in 30 min with our cordless vaccum.

    4. Valancy Snaith*

      We have a Roomba and we love it, but in pretty specific circumstances. We have a cat and a carpeted basement that’s a pain to vacuum because of the specific furniture and the layout. So three times a week we pick up the cat toys and the cords and let Roomba run around down there. Ours is an older model, so it’s a little noisy, but it doesn’t bother us since it’s running in the basement while we’re not down there. Occasionally it will get marooned under the desk or something, but I’d say only once every few weeks. It collects an astonishing amount of cat hair and dirt, and means that I only have to drag out the real vacuum once a week, which is a magnificent workload reduction for us!

      But as for keeping it running smoothly, I’d pick up all the cat toys and junk on the floor and do a quick scan to make sure no foreign objects are around first. Then let it do its thing.

    5. Emma*

      Yes, I have a Eufy (basically a cheaper knock off robot vacuum) and I really like it. I still vacuum, but my robot is great for maintenance during the week and makes a real difference. The Eufy I have doesn’t have towers or things to control where it goes, but apparently is smart enough not to throw itself down the stairs. It occasionally does annoying things like lock itself in a room by closing the door, etc, but the good is much greater than the bad. For me, this was the right solution at the right price point.

    6. ThatGirl*

      We have a Roomba and a small, low-shedding dog. You ideally do want to pick up toys and any other small items with cords, laces etc because it’ll drag them around. Ours is quiet enough that we can hear the tv, but loud enough that I wouldn’t want to be on the phone while it’s running. And you have to watch for doors, our shut itself in the powder room a few times.
      That said, it does a solid job of actually vacuuming, so I’d recommend running it while you’re maybe on another floor or doing other chores so you’re nearby in case if problems.

    7. sswj*

      We now have 2 that my husband got off eBay. They are a Russian (or possibly Asian) Roomba type robot called Goovi, and I ADORE them. They were cheap too, under $100. They do need a little bit of babysitting now and then, especially if you have clutter and super-especially for wires on the floor. My only beef so far is that they don’t have a “bin full” sensor, and the programming of them is a bit limited. Other than that they are doing a superb job. The run time is pretty good too – unless they waste energy stuck somewhere they can get the whole house in a single go.

      I have a 1700 sq ft house, all hard floors, in the land of sand (South Carolina). I also have 59 feet** traipsing in and out daily :P That’s a lotta grit coming in! These machines (Ivan and Natasha) have made a huge difference. I still have to do corners in places they can’t get to, and I do do a sweep of things they might get stuck on, but otherwise I just watch them do their thing. My standing joke is that my new best friend is a Russian bot :D

      ** (4 human feet, 44 feline paws and 11 dog paws. We have a tripod terrier!)

    8. Gatomon*

      I’ve had two, a Eufy (low budget) and a Neato (mid to upper budget). I personally think the low end ones aren’t worth it. The Eufy just ping-ponged around randomly and frequently got stuck in a room or on certain objects. It didn’t take long to get scratched up on the sensors and it basically stopped working, so I tossed it.

      The Neato is much smarter and I can tell it to avoid certain areas of my home via the app so it doesn’t get stuck. It also learns your floor plan and systematically cleans it so there aren’t any missed spots. It uses lasers so it doesn’t suffer for bumping around, but it’s also able to detect obstacles and not ram them full speed. I spent 3x as much on the Neato, but 30% less than a comparable Roomba. I have the D6 and with a second base it can be used intelligently on both floors, which is really nice.

      You’ll still have to do some clean up before letting it run so it doesn’t ingest a cord, a cat toy or a stray sock. I’m kind of lazy about that so I don’t run it regularly. I have a cat and it does fine on fur and most stray cat litter. I’d put it at 90% of the ability of my regular vacuum.

    9. Inefficient Cat Herder*

      We have a Eufy (cheaper than a Roomba) and 4 cats and we love the Eufy. We still do a ‘real” vacuum once a week or so, but the Eufy does a really good job at keeping the cat hair/woodstove dust/dust from the road down to un-noticeable levels. We really don’t pick up for it, just try to keep computer cords out of the way (though sometimes we don’t and have to rescue the Eufy from them. I think ours is the cheapest model and it just moves around randomly but ends up covering everything it can get to.

    10. Ali G*

      We have one an I love it. It’s saved us while we couldn’t have our cleaners come these past few months. You have to realize that you still have to do some prep to use it. Pick up all loose cords, put chairs on top of tables, close doors to rooms it can stuck in, etc. It runs for about 90 minutes, and depending on when I last ran it, it might need to be emptied once during that time. I can run it off my phone. I have a dog and it’s great for the hair.
      I highly recommend.

    11. the Viking Diva*

      I have a model e5 Roomba. There is a heavier-duty one that is recommended for pet hair; look at their website. I hate to vacuum and I like this a lot better – with the Roomba I run it more often and the floors are detectably cleaner. I don’t mind emptying the bin; I rather like to know that it picked up all that schmutz!
      As others note, it can get stuck – I know the likely spots now to rescue it. I put an old 2×4 under a wardrobe to block one sticking spot. And I bought a infrared ‘virtual wall’ to keep it confined to half the (small) house at a time, to clean each area more thoroughly. It is a bit loud to have going in the same room where you are hanging out, so I try to remember to run it when I leave for the gym (in the Before times) or a walk. I researched some others but chose the original iRobot line because it is more user-serviceable than the others. Good luck!

    12. Gruntilda*

      I love my DeeBot. Cheaper than a Roomba and pretty smart. No issues with it getting stuck so far. You do want to pick up stuff off the floor, especially laces/cords/anything that can tangle in the wheels and picker-upper. As someone said, you can watch TV with it on but wouldn’t want to be on the phone noise-wise. I haven’t had any issues with it getting stuck anywhere. You’ll want to pay more for it to do better with pet hair. We have a lot of hair in our house too and it does a great job but we have to clean it out every 1-2 uses.

      1. BusinessLibrarian*

        Super late comment, but just in case RMNPgirl checks back: we have a Deebot too and we got it because our cat is a flinger and I hate cat litter being tracked all over the house. We’ve set it up to run at midnight which we can do because it’s on the first floor so this might not be practical for others. Since it only runs in the back hall and family room, it’s not hard to prep for it. Every night before bed I pick up anything off the floor and empty the collection bin. To keep it from going under the one piece of furniture it could get stuck under, we put a barrier (old shower curtain rod) under that piece. It goes into the powder room (where the cat box is), the back hall, and the family room and has maybe gotten trapped once. When it suddenly discovers it doesn’t like our throw rug (very flat and mostly not a problem) I know it’s time to flip it over and clean my long hair out of the wheels. Very, VERY satisfied customer.

    13. Star Nursery*

      We have a Neato Botvac and love it. We got it to pick up pet hair and stray cat litter. It does a better job that I do and gets behind the couch, under the table, knows where there is a step down so it will avoid falling off a cliff. The first year we had it we ran it every day and went through the battery in about six months. Now we run it about three times a week and have switched to pellets for cat litter so it’s mostly picking up fur. It follows an orderly outline of the room and the new versions have an app so you can pick where you don’t want it to vacuum. I pick up the smaller cat toys (the soft ones that are tiny and have any type of string) but not the regular ball shaped toys. We have ours set at a time that works with our schedule to first walk through the house to look for any pet throw up. I know there is a robot vacuum that mops as well although we haven’t tried that one.

  81. Lady Farquaad*

    I had an altercation with a man on the subway. The subway kinda lurched and I accidentally made very light contact with his arm which set him off. He muttered a derogatory word at which I said “excuse me?” That set him off into a rage and he came right up to my face and began screaming at me.

    At that point I snapped. I just got so sick of putting up with abuse from strange men. I got into a verbal spat with him and he started grabbing me. When the subway stopped he tried to pull me out, I pushed him out as the door shut.

    No one helped me and I didn’t expect anyone to.

    It is degrading being screamed and sworn at. I know I risked being physically harmed but it felt good to stand up to him.

    My friends and family are aghast at what could have happened. They think I shouldn’t have “talked back” to protect myself. I’ve since heard countless stories of women being seriously assaulted on public transport because they dared to talk back to strange men who verbally abused them in public. I am a small woman and I’m sure he would have easily beaten me if he successfully dragged me out. But I am so tired of remaining meekly silent.

    What is the right response when this type of thing happens? Do I sit there and put up with verbal abuse in fear of being assaulted? Or stand up for myself and keep my dignity?

    1. Red Sky*

      Ugh, I’m so sorry this happened to you. No advice except for maybe carry pepper spray in case a person/situation seems to be escalating. Glad you were able to stand up for yourself; sometimes the risk is totally worth showing you wont put up with this type of abuse.

      1. Kay*

        I’m not saying this is bad advice, but I would advise to look up the local laws in your area. Where I live pepper spray is illegal and carrying it in public is akin to carrying a weapon under the law. Even if it is for self defense purposes it is not allowed period. (Just like carrying an illegal gun for self defense, pepper spray is counted as a weapon).

        If it is allowed where you are and you do decide to carry it, make sure you are aware of how to use it and are comfortable with doing so. You don’t want to end up not knowing how to work it if you run into a situation where you need it. Or getting hurt with it yourself (getting it in your own eyes because of wind direction or pointing it the wrong way, or having someone take it and use it against you).

        I’m sorry this happened to you OP.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hard to know. He could have been having his own terrible day, or a string of terrible days if he was fighting mental illness. I mention both possibilities because of his screaming in your face.

      I’m all for speaking up and defending one’s dignity, and I understand your frustration, but there’s also a benefit in remaining unharmed. It’s also better to stay on the high ground by giving some grace to the other person. I think the best path is dignified self-protection. That said, it’s hard to maintain composure when we feel so intruded upon.

      I had a similar outburst in reaction to another passenger who interrupted a quiet morning commute to express a reasonable opinion in a loud, unavoidable way. At the time I did not think their opinion at all reasonable because it interrupted my efforts to compose my thoughts before work. That said, I could have responded differently.
      I was fortunate that the other party did not attack me and no bystanders videotaped me and posted it online. Your pushing the man off the train could have caused him injury or brought you a lot of negative attention. I assume neither occurred, which is good. I hope you can find peace for the rest of the day.

      1. Not A Manager*

        That’s pretty victim-blamey. This man called the poster names, got up in her face, screamed at her, and tried to physically drag her off the train, and you’re concerned about his feelings? He might have had a terrible day? Pushing him off the train in self-defense might have injured him? Or “brought negative attention”?

        If he’d successfully dragged her off the train he could have beaten her or worse.

        I’m really shocked that anyone would characterize acting in self-defense as “risking injury” to the assailant.

        I also hope she can find peace for the rest of today. I assume she is resting more peacefully not having been subject to assault and battery than she otherwise would have been.

        1. Lady Farquaad*

          Thanks for this.

          Jean, I have zero patience for victim blaming today. I DGAF about the assailant’s feelings or what kind of day he was having. In fact, I hope I ruined his day so he can remember there are unpleasant consequences to verbally assaulting women.

          If he was injured in the process of me preventing him from physically assaulting me, I would have been fine with that.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Yeah, I don’t care how bad a day someone is having, he said a derogatory word and screamed in her face, and started grabbing her. Because she bumped him slightly when the subway lurched. Sounds like a scary jerk. Would it have been possible to walk away?

            1. tangerineRose*

              Sorry, I didn’t see your post a few minutes ago. Feel free to ignore my post. I got bullied a bit in school, but not by strangers, and I never really figured out what to do.

              1. Lady Farquaad*

                Thanks, I appreciate your support. I just wanted to shut down any more victim blaming replies because I don’t have any patience for it. I would appreciate hearing from people who know what it’s like and therefore in a better position to offer insight.

                1. tangerineRose*

                  I wish I had an answer for this. I was impressed by how you stood up for yourself and worried that you might have gotten hurt. If someone had recorded his behavior and shamed him on the internet, maybe that would have stopped him. Maybe not though.

      2. Observer*

        He could have been having his own terrible day, or a string of terrible days if he was fighting mental illness. I mention both possibilities because of his screaming in your face.

        And how is this in any way relevant? He screamed at her for no good reason, and physically attacked her. It doesn’t matter how many terrible days he may (or may not) have had. It’s totally not OK, and it’s not on his victim to worry about.

        Your pushing the man off the train could have caused him injury

        And since when is it the job of the victim to worry if their attacker gets hurt by their defending themselves?

    3. pancakes*

      There really aren’t any good reasons to engage with a stranger who is muttering derogatory things under their breath that way. It’s a pretty reliable clue that they’re not in the right frame of mind to be reasonable and may not be mentally well. Also, it sounds like you weren’t reacting only to him but to other people who’ve treated badly on other occasions. A really tense interaction with a stranger on the subway is not an appropriate or safe place to work out those feelings.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        You’re victim-blaming. What the other person did was way worse than what the OP did. And he started the altercation.

        1. pancakes*

          “Who started it” is not at all a relevant question in a scenario like this. Of course he started it. You can’t treat someone who is mentally unwell enough to start trouble with strangers on the subway like a reasonable person who is in a reasonable frame of mind. I have lived in Manhattan for over 20 years and I have seen people try it many times. It generally does not go well.

          1. Not A Manager*

            “Being an asshole” ≠ “being mentally unwell.” I wish people wouldn’t jump to that conclusion so swiftly.

            She accidentally bumped him, and he made a derogatory comment. That’s not a Red Flag for mental illness. And since the poster is an adult who presumably has been on public transport before, she probably has just as good an idea as we do about whether the guy was acting mentally unstable or if he was acting like a bully.

            1. tangerineRose*

              And blaming this on mental illness is an insult to people who are mentally ill and don’t do this kind of thing.

            2. pancakes*

              Of course not, but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m not sure how I can be any clearer about this: I am not saying that mental illness causes people to behave this way! I am saying that this man’s behavior is the behavior of someone who is not well. Please stop trying to twist it into a causal relationship. A person who is well doesn’t react to “excuse me” by trying to drag a woman out of a subway car. I don’t at all agree that being an adult is synonymous with having a handle on any of this.

              1. Black Horse Dancing*

                Naw, this is common d behavior. Almost always male. Plenty of well people act like privileged jerks and scream and rant. It’s pretty common guy behavior in many places.

                1. pancakes*

                  The US National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI), which compiles data from the CDC and the NIMH, says “1 in 25 U.S. adults experience serious mental illness” on an annual basis, and 1 in every 5 less seriously. The idea that this man who had a *wildly* disproportionate response to being bumped into on the subway definitely isn’t part of either of those demographics is pretty unlikely. I understand that it’s easy for bad people to try to twist that into a causal relationship that doesn’t exist, but I don’t think it’s helpful for well-meaning people to try to twist in the opposition direction and say that behaving that way is consistent with being a garden-variety jerk in fine mental health.

            3. Black Horse Dancing*

              @pancakes So you’re saying 75% don’t have mental illness. I think you’re making a huge assumption–many mentally ill people don’t behave like this and many people who are angry jerks do without any mental illness. Men in society are allowed to act like raging idiots and are often applauded for it. Work into any sports bar in any town. Watch people at HS football games. This was, most likely, just some angry jerk and OP did the right thing for her in this situation.

              1. pancakes*

                @Black Horse Dancing, I don’t know how many more times I can repeat that I’m not saying mental illness causes people to behave this way! That is what I mean when I keep saying that I’m not trying to twist this into a causal relationship. And no, I’m not saying that 75% of people simply do not experience mental illness. Please have a look at the NAMI website yourself! That’s not what they’re claiming either. For someone who is purportedly concerned with not stigmatizing people you are making a pretty big mistake by speaking about mental illness as if it’s a static designation, as if someone is either mentally ill or not, period. Some illness is chronic, some is very temporary, situational, etc. Even in the case of chronic illness it’s not a fixed identity the way you seem to think it is.

                I can’t speak to the men in your life. I can only say that they don’t resemble the men in my life. My high school didn’t have a football team, neither did my college, and I don’t go to sports bars. I have of course seen people behave like raging idiots in other scenarios. If the people in your life are happy to be around men who act like raging idiots I think you should try to find new people.

          2. Lady Farquaad*

            It’s interesting you chose not to reply to my guess at you being a white person. But continue to engage in a debate defending your initial post that was tone deaf and dismissive of the experiences of so many women and POC of being continually harassed, misinterpreted, abused, and bullied.

            If you have never been in the water, do not criticize other people’s swimming.

            2. pancakes*

              I didn’t think it was worth responding to because it was a transparent effort to change the subject from what happened between you & this horrible man to me. I also chose not to respond because your guesses about me having never been in this situation, and again now, “never been in the water” are fatuous efforts to have a go at me because you don’t like what I said. I have lived in Manhattan for over 20 years, I have traveled all over the world, sometimes alone, I have been harassed countless times myself in NYC, in Calcutta, in Delhi, Kathmandu, Lisbon, in all sort of places. I’ve been pinched, grabbed, had all sorts of vile things said to me. I look Jewish to a lot of people so I’ve also had anti-Semitic stuff shouted at me on the subway, and it’s very uncomfortable when the rest of the car just stares at me waiting to see how I react. (That has happened every single time.) The idea that our disagreement here give you special insight into my life and my experiences is nonsensical. So is the idea that you’re going to embarrass me into agreeing with you that it’s a good idea to engage with someone like this man.

      3. Fikly*

        Please, tell us more about how there are no good reasons to protest being called abusive terms by someone.

        1. pancakes*

          That is not at all what I said. That is a colossal misunderstand of “don’t engage with unhinged people on the subway.”

      4. Observer*

        Engage? One of us is having some reading comprehension issues. Because it does not sound to me like she was “engaging” with him.

        1. pancakes*

          Getting into a verbal spat with someone is engaging with them. That’s not a value judgment—that’s simply one of the definitions of the word.

    4. Trot*

      I’m so sorry and I empathize. I find these situations tough because I want there to be a “right way” to solve them, but the painful thing is that I don’t think there is one. Its frustrating to try to and deescalate a situation, and it’s also frustrating (and often frightening) to try to stand up for yourself. They’re just jarring situations no matter what. I’ve even gone the official route and used the “in case of emergency” alarm when someone was threatening another passenger, and that didn’t go super well either.

      I usually try to remind myself that I’ve done the best that I can in an impossible situation, and try to ignore my internalized victim blaming. And, I find time helps – hope you’re feeling better today.

    5. Lady Farquaad*

      I’m gonna ask people to not respond if they’ve never been in this situation. I don’t care to hear from privileged groups who don’t understand what it’s like to be repeatedly subject to random abuse from strangers. Advice sought from those who understand the situation please.

      1. un-pleased*

        I don’t know if you will see this, but I think whatever gets you out alive is the right thing. A couple summers ago, I came close to getting into an altercation with someone who had been spouting some pretty white supremacist BS. He was behaving threateningly toward me (I am a woman who is light-skinned but mixed) and I just knew I could be in serious trouble. I also knew I wasn’t going to not defend myself if he moved to action. It’s just a gut-level thing that you can’t understand if you haven’t been there.

        This all went down in the two minutes my husband left me alone to go to the bathroom in a restaurant. I wasn’t looking for anything to happen. But my feeling was definitely that the guy could snap at any second and my chances were better (read: I would survive even if I was injured) if I fought him.

        One does get tired of this stuff and I am not going to judge you harshly for what you did. He was in the wrong.

        1. Gruntilda*

          Agreed. I can’t speak to every single person’s “can I survive a physical altercation with this person” calculation because we all are different and everyone who attacks us is different.

          Sometimes the best thing to do is stand up for yourself, make yourself look big so they back off. Sometimes the best thing to do is quietly get yourself out of there. Neither is wrong.

    6. lazy intellectual*

      Yikes I’m so sorry! I don’t blame you for reacting, but in the future if that happens again, I strongly recommend ignoring him and trying to remove yourself from the situtation if you can. (If it’s crowded, this is probably not possibe, but if you can, walk over to another part of the car, preferably in an area with people and where you can’t be cornered.)

      I’ve been harassed by creepy men on the subway. Once someone cornered me, and I had to yell at him to get out of my way, wielded my arm to seem like I was going to attack him (I wasn’t), which got him to move and I walked to another car. It’s weird how the other passengers just sit there and watch, but they probably don’t want to get involved in an altercation either.

      1. Lady Farquaad*

        I don’t blame other people for not getting involved. No one wants to be in this situation.

    7. Blueberry*

      The interaction is done and over with, so there’s limited utility in people telling you what you should have done. OTOH, the nature of public transit and people being horrrible as it is, it might happen again.

      And I don’t know how to advise you. Because on the one hand I just about stood up and applauded when I read that you stood up to him and that you were able to shove him away when he tried to escalate to the physical (which definitely indicates he was not just a nice person being temporarily grumpy, as if anyone who would use a slur could be a nice person being temporarily grumpy). I HATE it when people say “maybe he was having a bad day/is mentally ill/his gerbil died” as a justification for someone, especially someone more privileged, treating another human being horribly, especially in ways that involve axes of privilege such as using slurs and trying to physically dominate someone smaller. It’s not like the people who say that would accept “I had a bad day/I’ve had an annoying life in this bleeping bigoted society” from us, you know? i’m very impressed with you. You’re braver than I am.

      And yet, you were also fortunate in that you were able to push him away — I worry for you, for all of us, for next time.

      The question of “do I stay safe and swallow crap or do I stand up for my humanity” is a difficult balancinng act. I can’t tell you whether or not you should have acted as you did. But I can tell you I’m really impressed with you.

    8. BRR*

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s tough For me to say what the right response is because I’ve never been in a situation this extreme And who knows how hard it is to think when something like this is happening. I’ve gotten into my fair share of verbal spats on the (New York) subway and I think when he snapped I would have tried to walk away. I just know as much has I like to win a verbal fight, there are people way too extreme for me in the city.

    9. RagingADHD*

      The right thing to do is get through it as best you can, in whatever way you can live with, and come out the other side alive.

      You did it. You won. Don’t second guess yourself.

      The calculus on that is going to be different in every situation, and you can’t make a blanket rule. I haven’t had a situation exactly like that, but I’ve had some scenarios where I told off a catcaller or a creep. And others where I froze or stayed back for help because the person legit terrified me to the point of ice in my veins.

      When I was younger I used to get upset about not being brave enough, or wonder if I should have certain scripts for different situations.

      No. I’ve seen enough of the world by now to trust that those were instinctive judgment calls, based on information too complex or subliminal for my conscious mind to compute in time.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Sorry, I didn’t read all the comments before posting. Just wanted to affirm you did right because you are here to tell the tale, and it’s okay if you do it differently another time.

        I am sorry you’ve ever had to face such a thing and wish we lived in a world where there was no need to anticipate another time.

        1. Lady Farquaad*

          I appreciate your advice. You’re right, there’s no blanket rule in these situations.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I really like this response. My wise friend said that taking a stand usually comes with a price. (Where the word price can mean anything from experiencing fear to summoning up extra strength to follow up on what has started to unfold.) And do we want to pay that price? I totally agree that any number of things can change my response to a given situation.

        I do think where a person lives matters some what here also. In rural areas people know each other and are connected with each other in various unforeseen ways. It is a possibility that the guy could appear on my doorstep days or weeks later. This consideration would weigh in for me. I think that people in more populous areas have more anonymity? Which would also explain why the AH thought he could get away with abusing OP.

    10. Traffic_Spiral*

      There’s no right or wrong answer here. Sometimes you decide that discretion is the better part of valor, sometimes you decide “come at me, bro.” Personally, I’ve done both. I mean, yeah, you can decide that this is just a crazy person and when you encounter a shit-throwing monkey, you really just shouldn’t engage – but you can also be like “not today, motherfucker,” and decide to throw down. Sometimes standing up to someone gets you stabbed. Sometimes it saves you from getting stabbed. You just gotta follow your gut and hope that doesn’t land you a knife in the gut.

      If you decide to throw down, you only need to consider 2 things: 1 – am I actually responding proportionately to this person, and not taking out my pent-up rage from other situations, and 2 – is this actually physically safe for me?

      Seems like here it was proportionate and you made it out ok so… well done! Now go take a punching class so you’re better equipped to deal with the next person that tries this shit -also it’s good stress relief.

    11. TL -*

      a few years ago, I was on the subway at rush hour and a guy (wheelchair bond) got on and started screaming at different women, really nasty things, targeting a woman at a time for a minute or two each. I asked him to stop (I’m a woman, 5’3″, average build), and he started screaming at me. I told him I was going to call the transit police, and he swiped at my phone. Three men immediately stood up and told him to back off (I’m white and was late-20s.)
      The guy finally shut up when the men got involved; I called the metro police on him and filed a report. The only thing I regret is waiting so long to speak up.

      Frankly, proiritizing safety above all else lets people get away with a lot of harmful behavior that disproportionately hurts marginalized populations. I personally probably would have told him to stop and called the metro police in that situation – but had he laid hands on me I absolutely would have fought back too. Maybe next time he – and everyone else on that car – think about taking their bad day out on a stranger they assume is powerless, they’ll think again. Good for you.

    12. Deanna Troi*

      I’m sorry this happened to you. It is hard to know what the right thing to do is, and I think that either putting up with or standing up for yourself is appropriate, depending on on how you feel.

      I was once on the way to work on the DC subway when an older woman started berating a younger woman about her appearance. She told her that her blouse was too low cut (it wasn’t – she was dressed like a normal professional woman on her way to an average office) and saying nasty things about the way she looked. I didn’t say anything to the woman doing the berating, but I started talking to the victim, saying “You look fine, don’t worry about what other people say” and just chatting with her so that she would feel like she wasn’t alone. It bothers me that we’ve gotten so numb to this that people just sit by and pretend like nothing is happening when someone is being abusive.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I think a lot of people are more scared than numb. A lot of people are afraid the anger will be turned against them.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        Whoa that’s crazy! I’ve seen many instances of men harassing women or other men, but none of women randomly going after other women.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Women can be worse sometimes.
          I am a woman and it’s disturbing to me that women perpetuate these issues. When I started working I became aware of it and it’s now 40 plus years later and I am still reeling from seeing how many ways women do this.

    13. Jean (just Jean)*

      I am sorry that you and everyone else thought I was victim-blaming. I am sorry my comment caused you pain. I am also sorry that my first comment ignored Lady Farquaad’s multiple experiences of receiving verbal abuse from multiple random strange men. Those experiences were horrible and unjustified.

      I did not mean to victim-blame, speak from privilege, defend anyone else who was feeling entitled, or insult people with mental illness. I’m apologizing now because, again, I’m sorry that I hurt you.

      Most people are neither fully enlightened nor fully evil (well, exceptions for Hitler and Stalin) but somewhere in between. Most people are also honestly trying to live their lives without harming others. I think I was trying to say “assume good intentions” even though that’s not so reasonable when a stranger gets abusive. I hope we all can find ways to make our society more equitable.

      1. Lady Farquaad*

        Thanks for saying this. I am generally an assume-the-best kind of person but there are situations where this mindset is inappropriate and actually harmful even if advised with good intentions. If the man had rolled his eyes and walked off I would presume he had a bad day and not respond. But he physically accosted me, screamed at me and caused me humiliation and pain. To give me an assume-the-best advice is hurtful and dismissive of that negative experience. Like…if someone stole something valuable of yours, you would not want a lecture about how you should think about things from the thief’s perspective.

        I’m not chewing you out, I do appreciate your follow up post and understand you spoke with good intentions initially.

      2. Fikly*

        Jean, two things.

        First, the best of intentions do not matter when the actions are abusive and include physical assault.

        Second, you were victim blaming.

      3. Observer*

        I think you need to re-read your response. Firstly, though you may not have meant to do so, it’s extremely difficult to read your reply as anything but victim blaming.

        You also need to stop doubling down on the “assume good intentions” bit. For one thing, it is utterly irrelevant whether this guy was trying to “live their lives without harming anyone” or not. Because in the moment, he was MOST DEFINITELY trying to harm her. That’s really ALL she needed to consider in the moment and in evaluating her behavior.

    14. StellaBella*

      I am sorry this happened. In the future, if you feel safe enough depending on the. circumstances I would also do what you did and not put up with it. His behaviour was WAY outta line for a simple bump from the subway lurching. If you gauge that engaging the person will not cause you harm, it is always the right thing to do to call these bullies out. If you fear they may get very violent, you may decide otherwise. Standing up for yourself is fine but also don’t be harmed when doing so. I have had 2 shouting matches with white men in suits before, once on a crowded bus when said white guy was verbally abusing a person of colour but brushing his leg- but I never worried about my safety because I can defend myself well, tho. I am also small, but I am not in the USA so do not worry about guns, etc.

      Side note – as he was in your face, are you sure he did not expose you to covid? Can you monitor your health for the next couple of weeks? Also another note – is it possible if this is a normal commute that you will ever see him again?

    15. What the What*

      In order to work through what you could have done differently, I think it’s important to ask yourself what your goal would be. In your fantasy, what would the outcome of this interaction be?

      Would you want it to end by him apologizing to you? That might be possible by choosing the right words to use.

      Would you want it to end by you shoving a pie into his face while he tumbles off the subway? You’d probably want to take some self defense classes and figure out how to carry pie with you on a daily basis.

      Would you want it to end with him realizing the error of his ways and never disrespecting another woman ever again because he’s a totally reformed individual after meeting you? This probably isn’t within your power. In that case, you need to ask yourself if the altercation is worthwhile if it can never achieve your desired outcome?

      Maybe your desired outcome turns out to be, “I just want to teach people like that a lesson.” Then you have to decide what that lesson is, how you achieve it, if it’s legal, how to mitigate the risks, etc.

    16. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m a lifelong resident of NYC and have taken public transit for 18 years, and had my fair share of dealing with ugly people on the subway including 2 very real, very fearful incidences. And yes both times when I retold them, *everyone* said don’t engage, I should have just moved, just ignored etc.

      I’d stopped taking the subway alone about 2 years ago because I could no longer walk fast and I was terrified that someone would push me down the stairs or onto train tracks. That fear magnified when I got pregnant and I completely stopped taking the subway. I’m fortunate that I found alternatives that worked for me but I know had my circumstances been different I wouldn’ t have those alternatives.  

      I hate that abusers get the free pass and victims end up being vilified. It’s always “dont’ engage, don’t provoke” and never “don’t harass or abuse.” I dn’t know what the solution is. When we’re faced with the situation it’s a knee jerk reaction and either way there’s regret IMO. 

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yeah – society normalizes the abusive behavior. Always blaming it on mental illness doesn’t help because it absolves the abuser of all accountability while stigmatizing people with mental illness.

      2. pancakes*

        Not engaging is about defusing a tense situation and trying to keep everyone safe, not about giving anyone a free pass to be abusive. It is blowing my mind that so few people weighing in on this seem to have even heard of the concept of conflict de-escalation.

    17. Observer*

      I don’t think it’s a matter of being “right” or wrong, but of what level of risk you are willing to take.

      You took a risk in responding to him. This time it worked out with nothing more than his being rude and demeaning to you. It could have worked out a lot differently, though, as you know. So, you need to asses what level of risk you are willing to take – both in terms of severity and in terms of likely-hood.

      You have no obligation to take a level of risk that you are not comfortable, nor do you have an obligation to avoid that risk in this kind of context. Which is to say that it may not be terribly smart, but it this man had managed to hurt you, it would NOT have been “your fault” or anything like that, although I’m sure that a lot of people would have said things like that.

      And, I think it totally stinks that you even need to make that kind of calculation.

  82. Beancat*

    Hey artist readers! What are you working on this weekend? Any material or medium, I want to hear it :)

    I took a break from sketching my manga pages to shift to working on my cover page and I’m pleased with how it’s coming out! I have small anime-style mannequins with interchangeable hands and accessories, as well as two larger artist hands that I’m using the heck out of for this! What kind of tools do you use for your trade?

    1. Blueberry*

      I am a strictly amateur artist, but/and I’m making a set of magnets from my art by printing it onto shrink plastic and then gluing the shrunk plastic pieces to button magnets. I want to send my friends something tangible since I can’t see them in person, so this is what I’m doing this weekend.

    2. Just Like Bart*

      I hopped on the Sailor Moon redraw bandwagon. It turned out okay though my current attempt at drawing a different screen cap is a bit off. Oops. I’m using traditional media (watercolor and ink) and am tempted to switch over to digital at some point.

      1. Beancat*

        Oh wow, I’ve always wanted to use watercolor. A friend of mine who uses them is SUPER talented and I am lucky enough to own a few of her originals.

        I just made the jump back to digital last year! I had an old Wacom tablet (from 2004 hahahaha so the pen pressure didn’t work anymore), but after years of traditional I grabbed a Huion and I LOVE it. Good luck if you decide to make that leap!

        1. Just Like Bart*

          Digital was my main medium for a long time but I’ve been neglecting it for awhile. To be honest I kind of miss the flexibility it has. (Pressing undo is nice.) Also I kind of feel bad about letting my tablet collect dust. Haha.

    3. KristinaL*

      I’m working on some drawings for a children’s book that I’m planning to self-publish.

        1. KristinaL*

          It’s sort of about cars and has a lot of animal pictures in it. I love talking about it, but then I worry that I shouldn’t say too much until I have registered the copyright for it.

              1. KristinaL*

                Thanks! I was trying to make shapes seem more interesting so that kids would look at them longer.

            1. KristinaL*

              Thanks! When I do self-publish, I plan to mention it on the weekend thread. It may take longer than I expected though.

    4. How I Rose From The Dead And You Can, Too*

      I got a new iPad Pro (12” w 1TB) and I’ve been noodling around with Procreate and the new Apple Pencil – which is, arguably, a whole lot easier to deal with than the previous Apple Pencil.

      1. Beancat*

        Oh wow, how are you liking it? I wanted to do that, but when my laptop gave up I needed to replace that for all of its functions and think less about something I was only going to use for art. I’d like to still get it in the future possibly, so I was wondering how it all handles!

  83. DoorDash problem*

    I’m wondering if anyone has had an experience like this or any suggestions or insights.

    I order food several times a week through DoorDash. A couple of weeks ago, at about 10 pm, I got a notification that my order was placed and would arrive soon. I didn’t place the order. I contacted my credit card and DoorDash immediately and changed my DoorDash password.

    DoorDash requested I email them a bunch of info about the fraudulent charge, which I did. In response, they tell me that because I had placed an order to that address previously, using the same device, they would not reimburse me for the charge. I emailed back that my credit card would handle the fraudulent charge aspect with them, but that I was concerned how this occurred: what their evidence was that I’d had food delivered to this address previously; and what their evidence was that the order was placed on my iPad, which the the only way I ever place orders through their app. In response, DoorDash emails me that the fraudulent charge is being handled through my credit card and they have deleted my account for “security precautions.”

    I should point out that I have no evidence in my past orders that an order was ever delivered to that address. Further, the address is in ANOTHER STATE nowhere near me, that I’ve never been to, and I have never used my account to have food delivered anywhere else than my home. And my account still seems to be fully functional, although I will take whatever steps to have it deleted, and I’m hesitant to open a new one before I and they understand what happened.

    At first, I was concerned that my credit card number was compromised, and was issued a new number. Now, however, I believe this happened through DoorDash somehow, but they aren’t responding to my questions.

    Has anyone had a similar experience or, even better, knowledge about how DoorDash operates? I am fortunate to live in a metro area and there are other delivery options, but I liked DoorDash, as it was clear that the tip money all went to the delivery person, which I was happy to increase for all of the very significant COVID reasons. Thank you!

    1. ...*

      Doordash is actually known to be one that does not give tips to drivers. It uses the tip to reduce what doordash pays. Items are also more expensive on door dash. I wouldn’t bother arguing with them and id just use postdates or caviar next time.

        1. I Heart JavaScript*

          By the way, “changed their policies” is just what they tell the public about their intentions, it doesn’t mean that they actually made any changes to how people are paid. My husband worked for a competitor that got purchased by DoorDash last year. He worked there for a few months while job hunting and said he never saw any evidence that they’d changed their ways, despite the public noises of apology.

          Beyond the tip theft, they also will deliberately list restaurants who don’t want to work with them, making it seem like they’re part of the DoorDash network. It hurts the restaurants’ reputations because it looks like their prices are way higher than they actually are and the customer experience is typically of lower quality.

          They’re a shitty, exploitative company. I refuse to give them any money.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Yeah, I don’t trust like that unless I see evidence of changed behavior, and neither DoorDash nor Instacart has shown that evidence.

          2. fposte*

            GrubHub Does the restaurant listing without permission even more. DoorDash, Postmates, and Seamless are also offenders on that. Honestly, I’m not sure there’s any really ethical third party delivery service.

            1. I Heart JavaScript*

              Caviar is easily the best of them—they have a lot of exclusive deals with restaurants and curate the selections more. But they got purchased by DoorDash last year, so who know how long that will last.

            2. Texan In Exile*

              Our favorite local place has just announced they will no longer work with any third-party delivery service. (They employ local high-school students to deliver already, so it’s not that people can’t get their food.) They wrote about the most recent third-party disaster,

              “Our experience was 3 hours late, received 1 star review on Yelp. Customer was charged $40 for $20 of our food. We refund $40 to customer and lose $20 worth of our food =$60
              Not to mention the time spent to resolve this situation. Reported to Grubhub. They did not reimburse us. They hijack our menu and spoils our reputation. Third party delivery are parasites.”

    2. KoiFeeder*

      While nothing like this has happened to me, there’s been some address weirdness going on with the charges I’ve been receiving on the card I use. The DoorDash charges state that there’s been a delivery to City, State… when I live in Other City, Other State. The amount is correct, and the restaurant is correct, but the addresses are always wrong.

    3. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I have never used DoorDash or any other delivery service. But three weeks ago I had a spate of orders through DoorDash attempting to use my credit card at various restaurants in various cities other than my own. Because they were also using my email address I got real time notifications, including two while I was on the phone with card company. My info was evidently compromised through another new-to-me vendor. Won’t be using them again.

    4. I Heart JavaScript*

      DoorDash is a garbage company, it in no way surprises me that they acted this way. In addition to the tip stealing policies, they treat the restaurants they “work” with worse and pay their drivers less than the other competitor services.

    5. StudentA*

      This happened to me over a year ago with GrubHub. Someone ordered like $200 worth of food in a state I don’t live in. I called GrubHub and they took care of it so I was reimbursed. Weirdly, I don’t even use GrubHub.

    6. DoorDash Peoblem*

      Thanks to everyone who responded. I really have to look into all of this. When I placed an order, it said In the app that 100% of the tip went to the driver. I will be very unhappy if that isn’t true! My husband did tell me that restaurants are really in a tight spot with DoorDash’s policies. And I’m even more convinced now that the fraud came through DoorDash and not my credit card.

      1. StudentA*

        Can you explain what tight spots? Individual items cost much more on DoorDash. I’m distressed every time I order from there. Then there are the usual fees. Then I tip fairly on top of that and pay tax. But you can’t beat the convenience so I’m not stopping any time soon.

        1. PX*

          Google “pizzeria owner Doordash”; the full article came from The Verge I believe. Its a good insight into how all the 3rd party delivery companies work and how they rip off restaurants and sometimes delivery drivers too.

          Where I live, lots of local restaurants initially went to apps like these when lockdown started, but many of them quickly left and started doing delivery themselves because they said the fees charged to the restaurant are truly exorbitant for very little added value.

          1. Reba*

            There is also this rather delightful story of people profiting from a delivery-app error — again illustrating that doordash is kinda ridonkulous.

            Do a search for “doordash and pizza arbitrage” and you’ll find it. It’s a ride.

  84. Lena Clare*

    Does anyone have any vegan tiramisu recipes that they’ve tried and liked?
    No cashews please if at all possible!

    Or if you know where I can buy one in England, that’d be amazing.

    1. Pennyworth*

      To avoid cashews could you make tiramisu using a using a commercial vegan mascapone like Schlagfix. It is nut-free and available in the UK through Greenbay.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Thanks, I didn’t even know that this brand or shop existed. It is exactly what I am looking for!

  85. Victoria, Please*

    Asking this eclectically well informed and friendly group — I have the luxury of a very private back yard. Do you think it would be okay to get a massage if we were *outside*?

    Like, the therapist brings a portable table, we use my linens, we both wear masks, and don’t do face up?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I really think this depends on what you mean by “okay”.

      If you mean, is it damaging to public health because we’re trying to flatten the curve, then the first place to look for guidance is your state’s reopening orders.

      If you mean, am I risking my health by having close personal contact with someone for an hour, then yes you’re risking your health more than if you didn’t have close personal contact with someone for an hour. I don’t think there’s any way to make “having a massage” just as safe as “not having a massage.”

      So at that point, it’s your own personal risk assessment. How badly do you want to avoid exposure? How realistic is it to think that in the next months and years you’ll be able to avoid exposure? How likely is it that your massage therapist would have been exposed? This alone will vary greatly in different parts of the country. If you got sick, how likely is it that you would get very sick? How available is medical care if you need it?

      As we all decide about how we personally are going to “re-open,” I don’t think we’re going to find a way to avoid all risk and still lead the lives we want to have. We are all going to need to do ongoing cost/benefit calculations.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Inside vs outside is probably more significant a variable when you’re talking about several people talking or eating at a distance, and not touching.

      If you are having close personal contact, especially for a half hour or an hour, the most important variable is how many different people each of you has been exposed to lately. If either of you is having a lot of contact with a lot of different people, that’s where the risk comes from.

    3. Tea and Sympathy*

      I think you should evaluate the risk based on the statistics in your area and a discussion with your therapist about what precautions they have in place with other clients, as that behavior could also be a risk to you.

      I live in a hotspot that is just now getting control, and I am constantly appalled by my sister ‘s behavior and scold her. She lives in another part of the country and I recently looked up her county statistics. It’s something like 7 total cases, with 6 recovered and zero deaths. The counties surrounding her look the same. She is not doing anything outrageous, like visiting bars or going out to restaurants, but she is visiting her children without a mask on. It would be egregious behavior here, but probably pretty safe where she is.

    4. Lcsa99*

      I would personally not do it for privacy reasons, unless your fence is very tall and all the houses around you are one story. I still have very vivid teenage memories of our neighbor sunbathing in a speedo *shudder*

      Yards are not always as private as you think.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think I’d wait a bit.
      Of course, your MT could say “no way” and that would be the deciding point.

  86. Mazzy*

    Does anyone know how to handle this? Did you ever see this tax situation? So I have some unique income things in 2019 and owed $2000 evenly split between state and federal. I just filed. Apparently, as part of that, efile set up an estimate tax payment plan. Problem is, it’s too much! $3K. And two payments due by July! So I will owe $1500 and then the $2000 for last year, I don’t have that kind of extra money sitting around, I mean, I could scrape it together, but what is even the point? I estimate I will owe an extra $1000 next year and have already been deducting $100 a paycheck extra through my job, so it’s down to maybe $500 now. So if I just pay these estimated taxes, I’ll feel broke for the next two months and then get it back next year.

    I emailed Efile and asked to modify it, but it’s already been accepted. Does anyone know if the estimated thing is a suggestion or some kind of iron clad agreement with the IRS? Also, can I add, I’m pissed. Let me figure out how much I owe! I mean, do you want me to pay last year, or this year? And with 40M people unemployed, it’s a bit presumptuous for any equation to assume we’re making more this year! There is a high chance I’d be making nothing! They should work that into their calculation method.

    1. Lemon Hurl*

      These estimated tax forms are always printed out when you owe money, so you can pay it over the course of the year in 4 installments. It assumes you will owe this same amount next year and by paying quarterly, you won’t owe interest and penalties.
      These are not mandatory and you can ignore them.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your estimated tax payments are separate from your tax return. And they’re setup that you will calculate how much you need to pay quarterly. I’m not sure what software you’re using, but you can always find the estimate forms online (irs dot gov and the official state website) and do it manually.

    3. Reba*

      This is bad advice… But… Some years I have not paid the estimated taxes and just dealt with the penalty on the next return.

      As the others say, those generated payment slips are supposed to be a convenience for you, not binding. It is my understanding that you can calculate based on the income you have earned this year so far, basically annualize the first quarter. Maybe look for more info on that?

    4. Imtheone*

      I have been required to make quarterly payments because of underpaying the previous year. The underpayment happened because of some unexpected earnings, so not enough was withheld. They were due quarterly, starting in July.

      In general, one can work out a payment plan with the IRS.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I come across this in my line of work all the time, and everyone here is correct so far. But one thing you want to make sure of is if the payment is set to come out automatically on that date. I am not familiar with the software you used but when I did it, I would have to be careful to make sure that payments wouldn’t come out automatically.

      And to your last comment, there is a worksheet that’s filled out every quarter to help you determine your estimated tax payment if you expect fluctuations in income and situation. If you can afford it, it might be worth having a consultation with a tax accountant to get a better understanding.

    6. Policy wonk*

      As we slowly start to reopen, call the IRS to see about setting up a payment plan. I don’t think they are answering the phone right now, and when they do open they will be flooded with calls about missing stimulus checks, so you will need to be patient, but they should be willing to work with you.

    7. What the What*

      Dude. You’re panicking for nothing. Estimated tax vouchers are not a contract or an agreement to pay. They’re an automatic print out generated by tax software. “If everything is the same, this is what you need to pay to avoid owing.”

      But if everything is not the same, then don’t pay them. Pay them nothing if you don’t think you’ll owe. Pay them something that you calculate on your own if you do.

      You can print out blank vouchers or just white out the numbers of the ones you have. You can also pay online at Directpay and not use vouchers.

      1. Mazzy*

        Really? I’m seeing a couple of answers like that. If this is the case, that’s good news. This is out of my league to solve so I appreciate answers. I thought it was a binding contract and they sent the amounts to the IRS

    8. Natalie*

      You’ve gotten the skinny on the payment vouchers. If you haven’t already, I would strongly recommend checking your withholding using the IRS’s W4 calculator. You’ll need your most recent paystub plus estimates for any self employment or investment income. Link in reply.

    9. Melody Pond*

      Former tax preparer here. As others have said, the estimated payment vouchers are not an ironclad agreement with the IRS. Most softwares or e-file systems will automatically generate quarterly estimated payment vouchers for the next tax year (2020), if you owed more than a certain amount this tax year (2019).

      Think of them as a big red warning sign, saying you didn’t withhold/pre-pay enough in 2019, and if you continue doing the same in 2020, there may be an additional penalty added to what you owe for tax year 2020 (when you file in 2021).

      But if you have the option to just increase your W4 withholding through your employer, that will do the trick as well. Just make sure it’s enough to avoid under-payment penalties – as others have said, use the IRS withholding calculator for Federal, but also check to see if your state has its own estimator. Because state taxes will be totally separate, and you may need to increase your state withholding, too.

      1. Mazzy*

        Thanks for this. I’ll have to research those penalties you mentioned. Hope they aren’t big

  87. Phone in Water*

    Hubby’s phone (iPhone) was in the washer for about 30 minutes before he realized he forgot to take it out of his pocket. What are the best ways to revive a waterlogged phone?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Place it in a bag or bowl of rice for at least 24 hours. That said newer iPhones have some water resistance, maybe not half an hour’s worth. Good luck.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I think if you stick it in a bowl of uncooked rice that will help pull out some of the water.

    4. Natalie*

      Generally you want to power the phone down and then let it sit for a long while to dry out before attempting to power it back on.

    5. WWF*

      I was able to save an iphone with a screen “stained” by about a tablespoon of water on the screen by putting it in uncooked rice for 24 hours. But submerged in water for 30 minutes may be beyond salvageable. If you try it, please leave an update.

    6. Phone in Water*

      Have it sitting in a bag of uncooked rice. Fingers crossed. Will update tomorrow with the result!

    7. mlk*

      If you have any desiccant packs–like from a bottle of medicine, toss them and the phone into a sealed plastic bag.

  88. Teapot Translator*

    My question is two-fold:
    Does anyone know of a recipe to make apple bread pudding from scratch? Like, make the bread one day, then use it to make a dessert another day? Or should I just make regular bread? I use the no-knead bread recipe from Budget Bytes when I make bread.
    I have apples that are past their plain eating prime and I’d like to try out a new recipe, but I’m not a fan of cake if it’s not chocolate.
    Here’s the other part of my question: years ago, I had an apple dessert that tasted more like bread than cake (hmmm, bread). I have no way to know what the actual dessert was. Do you think it was apple bread pudding? Do you have a good apple bread pudding recipe?

    2. Ronda*

      mom made her bread pudding with store bought bread. you let it get stale 1st if you live in a place that allows that. once we in georgia it was too humid and the bread would mold instead of dry.
      She usually put raisins in hers, but you could put apples in it if you want. I think it is more french toasty than bready.

      I favor an apple crisp myself.

    4. RagingADHD*

      If the humidity is low enough, Id make the bread a couple days ahead and let it stale – maybe cube it to help it go faster.

      If not, maybe slice & toast it.

      You want it dry to soak up the liquid without disintegrating to slop.

    5. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I am not familiar with apple bread pudding but I have made various fruit bread type things by substituting shredded fruit for the banana in banana bread recipes (or zucchini bread, which is pretty much the same idea). Maybe that would give you the flavour you want?

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      There are a lot of lower fat recipes that use applesauce as a binder in cakes and quick breads. You could make a quick applesauce to use up your apples than incorporate that in a chocolate cake or quickbread.

    7. Policy wonk*

      If you can’t find a good recipe, why not make an apple crisp? Personally, I like that better than apple cake.

  89. RagingADHD*

    Food history question:

    We are USians but love GBBO recipes. I find British & European style desserts so much tastier because of the amount of butter & eggs vs sugar. American style baking tends to be much higher in sugar, and use milk or other liquids in place of some of the eggs.

    I know this isn’t just because of the low-fat craze in the 80s & 90s, because I see the same difference in family recipes that go back generations. I’d bet it has something to do with economics, availability of ingredients, or some historical circumstance.

    But what? Anyone know?

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Very high level: Sugar was a luxury item. It is produced from sugar cane, which is a tropical plant. Until trade/colonization really got going, sugar was not available, and even once it was being traded it was expensive. However, dairy cows and chickens were local and available. People had cream, milk, butter, and eggs available. You work with what you have.

      Sugar cane when processed produces molasses (can also be produced from sugar beets). By further refining molasses, you then produce brown sugar, then eventually white sugar. Aside from different properties of these products, there is also an element of socio-economic class indicated by recipes. If the recipe calls for molasses, there’s a decent chance they didn’t have a lot of money.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Well, yes, but was sugar radically less expensive for people in North America?

        Yes, it’s closer, but I would have thought the economy was far less developed in the time period you’re talking about.

      2. Chaordic One*

        In the U.S. a lot of the sugar now comes from sugar beets which are now a fairly common crop throughout the American midwest. Sugar from beets makes up 55% of the sugar sold in the U.S. with the remaining 45% coming from cane. Experiments in producing sugar from beets didn’t really start until the 1700s in Prussia at the behest of the king. Sugar beets began being cultivated in the U.S. in the 1800s, but it never really became profitable or very popular in Europe or the U.S. until the 1880s. The availability of sugar from beets drove down prices quite a bit, but it was still considered a luxury item until fairly recently, at least until after World War II.

    2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Corn, maybe? I know we hear about corn syrup as an evil thing but it really is in tons of products in the US. I routinely cut the sugar in half when I’m using an American recipe now.

    3. Jules the First*

      European recipes use less sugar because sugar was historically very expensive in Europe because it had to be processed at harvest and shipped to Europe. It was substantially cheaper and more available in the Americas because sugar cane is grown and processed locally. (If you are skeptical about whether shipping really adds that much to the overall price, go ask a Canadian about online shopping; I’ll wait…). As a result of sugar being expensive, Europeans developed less of a sweet tooth, so European recipes have developed to use less sugar. Sugar also became very expensive in Europe during both world wars, which meant several generations were raised with little access to sugar and therefore little sweet tooth (and they were taught to bake using recipes and skills that assumed sugar was limited).

      Sugar has two roles in a baked good: sweetness and structure. If you like your baking less sweet, then all you need to sort out is the structure, and to do that you turn to eggs. But eggs are liquid and sugar is not, so any time you mess with the solid in a recipe, you also need to mess with the liquid (otherwise you end up with my mother’s legendary Stollen, where she used a recipe with a wonky ratio and then kept adding milk and flour alternately to try and fix in and ended up with seven loaves of bread from a recipe that theoretically made two), but it needs to be a liquid like milk that won’t impact the structure of the final baked good. So when you translate a British recipe for an American palate, you’ll find yourself adding sugar to bump the sweetness, and then adding milk to soften the texture, and then you have too much wet, so you remove an egg or two, but then your bake isn’t as fluffy, so you add more baking powder, and pretty soon you have two recipes that, to the casual observer, are no longer remotely related.

      Thank you for asking this question…I love the magic that is baking chemistry and you totally made my morning.

      1. heckofabecca*

        I’m so excited by this answer! I love food history!! And baking!! Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge!

      3. RagingADHD*

        Thank you! The way traditions evolve over generations due not only to original causes but different ongoing circumstances is fascinating.

        I taught my daughter this week how to make Swiss meringue buttercream instead of American style powdered-sugar-and-shortening buttercream. She’s a convert.

    4. Emma*

      Sugar was cheaper in the United States historically because people were enslaved in the US and forced to produce it. Sugar consumption in the US increased significantly between about 1800 and 1850 when sugar production accelerated in Louisiana (this was following a revolt by enslaved people producing sugar in Haiti). Even when slavery ended former slaves and their descendants were exploited by sugar producers. In the US, largely black workforces were being exploited by sugar producers using debt bondage at least as late as the interwar period in the 20th century.
      People in other countries were not innocent of purchasing sugar produced by enslaved or exploited people in the US, but the cost of shipping sugar across the Atlantic would have been greater than the cost of shipping it to much of the US.

      1. Reba*

        For more on this, I’d recommend an essay in Eater by Ruby Tandoh, “Sugartime.”

        The academic history resource I’m familiar with is “Sweetness and Power: the Place of Sugar in modern history” by Sidney Mintz — although I’m sure there are other, more recent titles.

        I’m now reading the wikipedia entry on sugar beets, which is fascinating. Production was stimulated when cane sugar became hard to get due to wars and the Haitian revolution. Apparently some abolitionists tried to make sugar beets happen as a strategy to undermine the slave economy.

    5. Asenath*

      I wonder if there isn’t sometimes a traditional difference in preferences. Sugar wasn’t especially expensive or rare in my mother’s or my grandmother’s time, but they – I especially remember my mother – routinely cut the sugar in commercial recipes because the recipes were too sweet for their tastes. It was especially noticeable in things with a lot of sugar, like jams and jellies. I grew up with the same preferences, and although I don’t bake or make jams any more, when I did, I put as little as half or 2/3 the recommended amount of sugar “required”. Baking is different; with baking, you have to have all the proportions of the ingredients right to get a good result, so it’s harder to fiddle with the recipe to make it less sweet and still have it tasty and of a good texture. I’m talking about Canadians who, at least some generations, often had access to American recipes more than British ones. So sugar might have been expensive, but that would have been significant at least 3 or 4 or more generations ago. Home bakers and cooks might well have simply preferred a certain taste, and if “modern” recipes didn’t give it to them like their traditional recipes did, they adjusted them where possible.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Growing up in the 60s I remember people cutting the required amount of sugar in a recipe, also salt. But I can remember shortages during the 60s on into the 70s? Someone will correct me here, there was a coffee shortage and of course a gas rationing period. But I vaguely remember sugar going up to $6 per pound, I think? Back then it came in a 5 pound bag, so $30 bucks for a bag of sugar was a big deal.
        I do remember thinking all these shortages are so bizarre, what’s next?!

        Someone commented quite awhile ago on this site, that they had cleaned out their grandparent’s (?) cupboards and there were old, old cake mixes there. In reading the ingredients they said they could not help but notice there were a lot less ingredients and the names of the ingredients were recognizable, unlike now.

        I just went looking for a book here. It’s called “The Enriched, Fortified, Concentrated, Country-Fresh, Lip-Smacking, Finger-Licking International, Unexpurgated, Foodbook” by James Trager. (PHEW!) I have only read parts of it. But it goes through the history of foods and the hows and whys. Checking the index he talks about the history of sugar though out the book. This was CR in 1970. There are probably more up-to-date food history books available.

  90. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Is there a good photo management software for home use? I’m going through our digital family photos and they are by no means organized. The cat pictures are in with the beach pictures which are in with the grandma’s funeral pictures. I’d like to be able to tag them by date & subject matter. Also, I do want them stored on my machine, though I’d like to be able to share them and back them up.

    1. D3*

      Lightroom is great for this. You can put any number of keywords on a photo, put them in collections, etc.

      1. Reba*

        Lightroom might be overkill for a casual user, but it’s what we use too. It’s a subscription service now, which is annoying but here we are. You can upload to cloud storage, and you can also share albums online, which is handy for sharing with family!

        I think Google photos works well, too, and is pretty easy to use.

    2. Nacho*

      I use fastzone image viewer for managing my pictures. You can easily tag photos, sort them, and move them to new folders.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I use Digikam. It has the advantage of being free and open source, and you can use it on Windows, Linux, etc.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Free, open source and Linux? Ah, my favorite type of software. I’ll try this out and see how it works.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      Both Mac and PCs have native software for photos (you can tag photos in Pcs). Do others use those or is other free or paid software better?

  91. Alex*

    Is being really sleepy after donating blood normal? I donated for the first time today, and felt great right after, but a few hours later just felt EXHAUSTED. I fell asleep on the couch twice. This isn’t normal for me.

    When I got to the blood drive, they were of course being careful about COVID and took my temperature. It was slightly high–not enough to disqualify me, but enough for the nurse to raise her eyebrow (it was 99.2, and the cutoff was 99.5). I told her I felt totally fine (I did).

    Now I’m not sure if I’m actually getting sick or if this is just normal after giving blood.

    1. Atheist Nun*

      That happened to me, too. I gave blood last year for the first time in maybe 10 years. I had never had problems giving blood before, but this most recent time left me shaky and exhausted, even after I consumed the provided juice and cookies. Is the tiredness a consequence of growing older? I am 48.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      How hydrated were you in the 24 hours prior to donating? Did they tell you outloud what your iron was before you started? Obviously you had high enough to be approved, but if you were right around the minimum, that could be contributing to the tiredness post-donation. If you weren’t especially hydrated that could also be it.
      Or you could be coming down with something.
      Or you could’ve been coincidentally very tired.

      But what you described is fairly common if either your iron is lowish or you were not ideally hydrated.

      1. Opal*

        I’ve donated blood in past years but no one ever told me what my iron was or even took my temperature. Is this a new procedure? Something regional?

        1. Alex*

          The iron/hemoglobin I think is something they always do, but may not always give you your results unless they are disqualifying or worrisome. Did they prick your finger prior to taking blood? That is what that is for.

          The temp check was because of COVID I think.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          I’ve lived in 3 different states where I donated blood and they always took my blood pressure, a finger stick to check iron, and my temp. This goes back 20 years. That doesn’t mean some states might not have different standards, but I don’t know that I’d call it regional per se.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I too feel sleepy after donating blood, and sometimes a bit light-headed. It usually takes me a day or so before I feel like myself again. It does seem to be worse now than when I was younger.

    4. ..Kat..*

      This is common after giving blood. Especially if you are a menstruating female. You have basically made yourself anemic (compared with your hematocrit pre-donation) very quickly. Hopefully, you are being cautioned not to drive or operate heavy machinery after donating.

      Thank you for donating. It is a very kind thing to do. When I administer blood products to patients, I am often asked, “what kind of people give blood?” I always reply, “really nice people.” Often, this is the first time in their lives that they have thought about blood donation.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Nah, you just need to replenish yourself. Sautee’d spinach, gingerbread cake or other molasses-heavy desserts, and a good bit of red meat will all help with this. The red meat is the best, but not everyone eats that.

      2. Trixie*

        This was my thought, take a good look at iron intake and also continue to hydrate.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I agree that it sounds normal – but if it continues for more than another day, or if your temperature goes up, do contact the donation group. Meanwhile, rest and fluids and food should help a lot. (I recently donated as well, after a long hiatus, and was hit harder than in my many previous donations; not sure if age is a factor or not. But by the next day I was fine.)

    7. IntoTheSarchasm*

      I have given blood for years, somewhere in the 8 gallon range now. Typically not tired but I can see where it would knock some people down a bit. Just be gentle with yourself and hydrate. Thanks for donating!

    8. Alex*

      Thanks everyone. The person taking my blood (are they nurses? I’m not sure) asked me if I felt dizzy or lightheaded, and I didn’t at all. My hemoglobin was 13.something so I think that’s OK (I’m female). I felt 100% fine during and right after donation. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I was falling asleep on the couch.

      This morning I don’t feel sick and I don’t have a temperature so I’m just going to chalk the tiredness up to my body’s making more blood for me!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This happens to me too, especially if I don’t drink enough water after giving blood. You just lost a pint of fluid; gotta get it back up! If you feel better today, you’re probably okay.

        For me, it’s an excuse to do nothing, hahaha. “I just gave blood; I’m not cleaning the bathroom today.” :)

      2. Squidhead*

        Glad you are feeling better! I donate fairly frequently (3-5 times/year) and sometimes I feel quite fatigued for the rest of the day. I always donate on a day when I don’t have much else to do afterwards. I also make a point to drink several glasses of water pre-donation and eat some food with protein before I go donate. I also drink more water after donating; the one time I did not do this I felt like I had a hangover the whole next day from the dehydration.

        I give through the American Red Cross and temperature checks (as well as heart rate and blood pressure) have been routine for them since at least 2001. Hemoglobin must be equal/greater than 12.5 for female donors. I remember when they used to drip a drop of blood into a vial of copper sulfate and see how quickly it sank to the bottom! Now they use the fancy machine but about 1 time in 4 they need to re-check mine on my opposite hand. The last time I gave it read 11.9 on one hand and 14.2 on the other, so there can be some technique issues at play!

    9. mreasy*

      I used to give blood regularly (sadly not longer can) and I was always exhausted afterward, and well into the next day – and I’d always make sure to hydrate well and eat well before and after. I wouldn’t worry.

  92. Invisible Fish*

    Suggestions for dealing with dry mouth caused by medication? My husband is really struggling with this.

    1. Chaordic One*

      Your husband needs to make sure that he brushes and flosses regularly, as dry mouth can increase his susceptibility to both cavities and gum disease. Tell him to use a gentle, but thorough touch. His gums may be a bit more sensitive than usual and he doesn’t want to abrade his gums. If he’s going to have something to sip on throughout the day, it should probably be just water or at least something that is sugar free.

      I’ve had good luck with using “Biotene” brand toothpaste for dry mouth. I’ve never found another brand of toothpaste that works as well. They reformulated their toothpaste in the past few years, and it is now much better than it was several years ago.

      There is also a “Biotene” brand mouthwash for dry mouth, as well as several other brands and they all seem to do a good job. The mouthwashes have a kind of pleasant filmy quality that coats your teeth and gums, momentarily trapping moisture in. Of course, it only seems to last for a few minutes. There is also a “Biotene” gel that cal be put in your mouth between your cheek and gum that is similar to the mouthwash.

      Finally there are various kinds of chewing gum specifically for dry mouth. I’ve never had good luck with any kind of gum, but maybe that’s just me. If he chews gum, he should stick to sugarless.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I just keep a sports bottle of water going all day, sometimes I swish my mouth before swallowing if I have to talk a lot.

      I find that the dryness is worse if I haven’t slept well. No idea why, but it’s consistently better if I get a good night’s sleep. So anything he can do to improve that should help.

      1. Chaordic One*

        If you can sleep with your mouth closed that certainly helps. If you have sinus problems it helps to address those. Maybe you’ll need to use a nasal spray (such as Flonase or the generic equivalent), an antihistimine, or even consider sinus surgery.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I always sleep with my mouth closed & humidified air since I got a CPAP.

          My dry mouth is from medication, like OPs husband. But being sleep deprived makes the effect worse, for some reason.

    3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Xylitol dry-mouth spray, either Biotene or a store brand. They’re medically the same, but taste a bit different, so if he dislikes the actual Biotene I’d suggest trying CVS or Bartell’s store brand. (As far as I can tell, those two chains have the same supplier for their generic; Walgreens uses one that tastes just like the name brand.)

    4. Pumpa Rumpa*

      I’ve used Xylimelts in the past when I’ve had dry mouth. They’re little discs that you pop in your mouth. They stick to your teeth and slowly dissolve. You can get them at drug stores.

  93. Shrunken Hippo*

    Hi Shrunken Hippo. Because of the rules posted at the top of this weekend’s open thread, I need to remove this post. But I’m so sorry you’re going through this and am sending good wishes to you and your family. – Alison

  94. Gaia*

    Okay, so lately I’ve been having really strange dreams and I would love to know if anyone has ever experienced anything quite like this.

    In the dream, I am both a participant and observing. Like I am watching a TV show about me where I am also in the show. But the participant me isn’t aware of the observer version of me and the observer version of me isn’t aware that they are watching themself. And none of them are aware it is a dream.

    This is a nightly occurrence now. I’m wondering if it is a possible side effect of my Lexapro (for anxiety – which is doing great now, thank you!). I know Lexapro can cause really weird dreams but the last few months this has been a nightly occurrence and I’ve never even heard of anything like this.

    I don’t think it is technically lucid dreaming since I don’t know I’m dreaming when it happens. Any idea what this might be?

    1. Cat*

      Hmm. This has happened to me a few times lately. Not sure if it’s happened before – if it has, I haven’t remembered it. As it happens, I do take lexapro. But I’ve been on it for several years so I don’t think it’s just that for me. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they’ve had more vivid dreams since the pandemic started. I think maybe because our sleep is more disrupted plus there’s obvious worrisome things for our brains to mull over while we sleep.

    2. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I have had dreams like this (where I am watching myself in the dream or watching other people in my dream). I’ve never taken lexapro or any other similar drug. Though I usually DO realize I’m dreaming. I have lucid dreams with some regularity too (though I’ve never been able to do anything cool like fly! It’s usually a nightmare and I stop whatever scary thing is happening). All this to say, this is within the realm of normal for me.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Yes! I have this since starting antid’s also, it’s a common side effect (more vivid dreams).

      I have also read somewhere that the pandemic is causing people’s dreams to be more vivid, I’m sure if you googled it you’d get some articles mentioning it.

      Perhaps it’s a combination of both situations?

      Occasionally it disrupts my sleep, which is annoying, but usually I try to go with it as I consider it as my mind trying to tell me something so I could pay attention, then they subside for a bit.

    4. WellRed*

      Oh! This happens to me! It’s so strange. A lot of times, I think I must be watching too much Of a certain show because I find myself sort of in an episode yet sort of watching it. I’m most certainly not an attorney at Lockhart Gardner!

    5. Unicornucopia*

      Pretty much all of my dreams that I remember from my whole life have been like this, regardless of subject matter. It’s kind of a toss up on whether I realize I am dreaming or not though. I’ve never been on any long term medications, this is just how my dreams are always structured. I’ve had much more vivid and frequent dreams since the pandemic started though.

      1. Princess of Pure Reason*

        Me too. For my whole life I almost always remember my dreams, and dream 99% of the time in third person watching myself, or switch between first/third person, or it can feel like first/third simultaneously (maybe I can be in two places at once!). And I always, always know I’m dreaming. I used to think everyone dreamed like this all the time since it’s kind of all I know, but then I learned about lucid dreaming and how people try to do it deliberately. I think I’d have to try to have a “regular” dream.

        With sleep being extra challenging lately (and I’m a bad sleeper under normal circumstances) I’ve found my dreams are even more frequent and vivid. I chalked it up to very short periods of deeper sleep (thanks exhaustion!), broken up by awaking in a panic or just plain awake, and maybe/hopefully going back to sleep being the unfortunate norm right now.

    6. heckofabecca*

      I have had vivid dreams basically every night for as long as I can remember, and I do experience the perspective shift/duality you’re talking about. I’m currently on Escitalopram and Trazodone, but I’ve been vivid dreaming since before I started preschool. I haven’t noticed much of a change since the pandemic started, but I don’t pay a lot of attention to that sort of thing, so the vividness may well have increased.

      My advice: check in with your prescribing doctor!

    7. Parenthetically*

      Yes, this happens to me all the time! And it definitely ran in stages — I’d have dreams like this nightly for weeks, and then they’d go away for a season, often when my brain kind of finished… running scenarios or whatever it was doing!

    8. Gaia*

      Thank you all for the replies! I really felt like I was losing it because it feels so odd and no one I know has ever experienced it before.

      It feels good to know I’m not alone in this.

  95. ..Kat..*

    Hi AAMers. I am posting this here, because even though this is probably job related, I am struggling in my time off work. As a bedside nurse in a hospital, I am an essential worker. I am doing okay when working, even though things are sad at work. I am trying not to complain, because I am not in a COVID hotspot. So many hospital workers are struggling with worse things at work. Much worse. But the only patients in my hospital are really sick, so it is grim. And a greater percentage of these patients are dying – because only the sickest are coming to the hospital. But, as I said, I am doing okay at work, only working a few extra shifts. Where I am having a problem is at home. I am spending 12 to 16 hours a day in bed on my days off. I just can’t find the motivation to get out of bed and do things. I am barely keeping up with laundry and other necessary chores. I set an alarm on my days off, telling myself I will get up after 10 hours of sleep. But, I just turn my alarm off and go back to sleep for several more hours.

    Any suggestions for how to make myself get up? Exercise? I actually feel better if I exercise, but am just having trouble getting myself out of bed. To do anything.

    Thanks in advance. Sorry for being so whiny.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Does your hospital have any mental health resources? References to grief counselors? This sounds a little above our paygrade as random internet people.

    2. WS*

      I’m also a frontline healthcare worker in an area with not many COVID cases, and inability to get up is a classic early sign of burnout and/or situational depression. Whatever mental healthcare options your workplace offers, take them up now, before you get further down the spiral. You’re not whiny or weak, you’re dealing with an incredibly stressful and difficult situation. And I know people say “that’s what you signed up for” but it’s really not normal times at all. Get yourself help.

      1. Katniss Evergreen*

        Seconding mental healthcare options. I’m not a frontline worker, but sleeping many extra hours than usual every single day and complete lack of motivation to do the things that I *know* usually make me feel better were cues I should have picked up on that I am depressed and was in need of serious help. I’m on meds now (thanks Wellbutrin!) and feel less like I’m dying in a hole after 10 days, though I don’t totally know exactly what I’m supposed to be looking for here in terms of “better.” I already had a therapist – if you are looking for one, there may be resources you can access through an Employee Assistance Program at work or through your primary care. Now I’m being followed more closely by my therapist and primary care physician, with f/u on the meds’ effectiveness in a few weeks.

        Thank you for doing what you are doing at work – all essential workers are essential no matter what your position and whether you’re throwing yourself into COVID-19 exposure or not. Bedside nursing is a very hard job even when the world hasn’t gone to he!! in a handbasket. You are not whiny, and you deserve to get help with this – it will get better, but potentially not right away or on its own (your feels, and the world in general rn!). I really hope you start to feel better soon <3

    3. Atheist Nun*

      Thank you for taking care of our patients! I echo the sentiments of the previous individuals who encourage you to find mental health support. One resource is Project Parachute, which offers free teletherapy to COVID-19 front line workers: https://www.eleos.health/parachute

    5. Thursday Next*

      Agreed that you should seek out your workplace’s resources for help.

      These aren’t regular times for anyone, and as a healthcare worker, you’re facing darkness on an ongoing basis. There’s no need for you to apologize for reacting to the extraordinary pressures you’re experiencing.

    6. Blueberry*

      You’re not whiny. You’re wounded in your soul. I second/third/whatever the recommendation to see if your hospital has an EAP or other way to link employees with mental health resources. You deserve help from someone trained to give it, and I am sending you all my good vibes meanwhile.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I am not sure how many hours you are working or how long your work day is.

      Please consider exhaustion as a possibility here. You have a double whammy, the job is physically demanding and emotionally draining. These two combined can really pack a punch and knock us flat on our butts. I got hit by exhaustion taking care of my ill parents. I ended up in the ER and the doc told me to go to bed for a month. I slept for FOUR straight days. I will never forget that- I slept soundly like I used to when I was a kid. (I stayed with family and they made me get up once a day to use the bathroom and eat something and have some water. Otherwise this is almost sounding like a coma! It wasn’t a coma, I could be awakened and I did function once awake.)

      If this does not resonate with you then my second thought is look at your basics with food and hydration. Are you eating proper meals? If no, can someone help you get a proper meal as you sound too exhausted to do it yourself. Are you drinking water regularly? I get busy and the first thing that leaves my mind is hydrating.

    8. Not A Manager*

      Please be gentle with yourself. If you want to stay in bed, maybe you could try to “bargain” with yourself to get a few key things done, and after that, it’s bed for you if you want it.

      If you choose to try this, then really prioritize what’s important to your well-being and mental health, not things that you “should” do because adults do them. If a shower doesn’t actually make you feel better, then who cares if you don’t shower on your days off? On the other hand, if exercise does help you feel better, maybe put a short amount of exercise time on your to-do list, but promise yourself bedtime and chocolate (or whatever) as soon as that’s done.

      I am absolutely shameless about bribing myself like a small child. “Throw in one load of laundry, and then you can have a bath. Do 15 minutes of stretching, and then you can watch Netflix.”

      The truth is that sometimes achievements are energizing, so after I do my chore I don’t always want my “lazy reward.” But anything after those few chores is completely optional.

      Captain Awkward had a great post about this a few weeks ago. I’ll post a link as a reply.

  96. Chocolate Teapot*

    The final Broken Washing Machine Update.

    So the new machine has arrived and I am catching up on the piles of laundry. One new option (which didn’t exist on my old machine) is a 30 minute “Quick Wash” programme. Does anyone else have something similar, and do you find it useful?

    1. What to read?*

      I have something like pre-wash or pre-rinse, also about 30 min. I use it when the machine’s not full but the dishes need a rinse, otherwise whatever tiny pieces of leftover are in them would dry and would be impossible to remove with a normal programme.

    2. Jules the First*

      I love my quick wash function and use it all the time. Bear in mind that it is less energy efficient and less actually efficient than the full cycle, so I use it primarily on lightly soiled small loads.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Years ago, we had a washer with mini-wash option. It worked as it should, but we never used it that much. It seemed to be wasteful in some ways. As JTF is saying we used it for small loads with light soiling, in other words for cases where “I absolutely have to have that particular shirt and pants for tomorrow” or similar scenarios.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      We have a quick wash that is 36 minutes on our machine, it is our default setting for clothing. We don’t do huge or particularly dirty loads.

      We also have a bedding setting that is particularly short. It used to be called delicate or similar until a flaw was found in our unit. Apparently one or more someones washed big blankets on a setting that caused the entire top of the machine to fly off and that is dangerous. So there was a nationwide fix – we got mailed stickers to relabel our settings and a repair man had to come out and add some reinforcements to the way the top of the machine is attached to the body.

    4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Yes, I have a 60min option and a 30min option, both with full 1600rpm spin. They’re useful for when clothes just need refreshing (bit sweaty but not stinky, no stains). Capacity is lower than a full wash – 4kg v 10kg.

      My old machine had a super quick 15min cycle, but would only spin it at 800rpm. It took waaaaaay longer to process the load than using a longer cycle. Still don’t know what the point was.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        We have quick wash on ours. We tend to use it if there’s a single item/outfit we need quickly. Like realizing just before bedtime that all my husband’s work uniforms are dirty. Quick wash and then throw in the dryer is much better than staying for the normal cycle to run lol.

    5. Reba*

      I have used mine once, in desperation…. I don’t think I trust it, lol.

      I have also gotten out of the habit of using the “normal” cycle on my machine. (I also find this funny about myself, like do I think normal isn’t good enough for me and my sweatpants?) Normal has the max spin speed of 1400 rpms and I find it leaves fairly indelible creases on some things. I have fairly hard water and I’ve gotten some damage/mineral marks associated with said high speed creases too.

      I hope you’re having a good time getting the laundry done! That must be a relief.

    6. Koala dreams*

      Wonderful! I use quick wash sometimes when I’m in a hurry. Otherwise I prefer the standard programme.

  97. What to read?*

    There’s often reading threads but we’ve been focusing on books most of the time. I’m wondering if you have any magazine recommendations (that ship to mainland Europe)?
    I used to subscribe to The Economist but it had become a bit too superficial when covering anything outside US/Western Europe for my taste. (This was around the time it was partially acquired by the Agnelli family although it might have been a change in my interests.)
    I used to enjoy NatGeo but I was the most interested in their features on societies and there seemed to be less of that and more nature which I found a bit repetitive. (Very much their profile just not as exciting of a read for me.)
    What is a magazine you enjoy reading on the weekends with a cup of coffee? (Or would if you had the time.) I’m open to many topics, it doesn’t have to be politics/economy/international relations.

    1. Nancy*

      London Review of Books? I got a year of issues as a gift once. I really enjoyed reading them – a good mixture of topics. History, politics, as well as literary stuff. (I didn’t continue the subscription after the year ended, because I didn’t have the time to read it properly – in fact it took me about four years to read that initial one-year subscription. Luckily it’s mostly not time sensitive!)

      1. Pennyworth*

        The Literary Review is similar. I am very fortunate that a friend who is a subscriber passes on her copies to me.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      Our local (US) libraries often have online subscriptions to 100s of magazines. Maybe your local one does or you are able to purchase an online access card from a large US library?

    3. Reba*

      I’ve recently gotten print+online for things I used to get online-only, or not subscribe to at all. The Atlantic, New York. (As an aside, since getting them in print: magazine type is SO TINY WHAT THE HECK.)

      I used to pick up arty magazines occasionally, which I should do more of… Huck, The New Order, and the Oxford American (literary). And Texas Monthly which always features incredible journalism!

      You might like Smithsonian magazine? It definitely has some overlap with NatGeo type content, but also does a lot of history and science features.

    4. WellRed*

      I’m enjoying People mag, which I only recently subscribed to, Friday evening with a glass of wine. Coffee reading on the weekend is local newspaper and NYTimes. All delivered, Augmented by online reading.

    6. What to read?*

      So many excellent recommendations! Thanks so much. I’ve noted down all of them. First, I’m giving a try to the London Review of Books. I’ve found a great offer so a few weeks and I’ll have my first copy delivered. Hope the weather will stay as lovely as it is today so I can sit outside and enjoy the magazine there.

      1. Trixie*

        I also enjoy the Atlantic Review and am looking at the Paris Review which focuses more on writers, interviews, poems, etc.

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      Smithsonian magazine is marvelous. I have subscribed for years. The current issue came on Friday, and has articles on Alexander the Great’s father, a genius craft beer maker, and Australian efforts to help wildlife post-fires on Kangaroo Island. I keep the back issues and carry them with me to have something to read when I might have a long wait.

    8. PX*

      Vanity Fair from what I recall tends to have some interesting long form reporting amongst the million pages of perfume and expensive clothing ads.

      And I’m bummed to see that Annals of Improbably Research (you may know them for being the people who do the Ig-Nobel Awards) is now PDF only rather than print. If you’re up for a digital option, that might be a fun one.

    9. Morningstar*

      The Sun Magazine. Each one has an interview, some nonfiction essays, a short story or two, and a section where readers write in with brief nonfiction on a theme. It’s free right now at thesunmagazine as a kindness during this time (& I believe they have provided free issues to prisoners for a long time).

      This month’s interview is on “How Listening to Each Other Can Restore Our Humanity.” Readers Write is on the topic of fear. I haven’t read this issue yet.

      I remember the interview “Water, Water Everywhere: Ran Ortner’s Love Affair With the Sea” was particularly interesting/inspiring though it’s been a long time since I’ve read it.

      1. Morningstar*

        I don’t know about international shipping, but they do offer a digital version.

  98. Trot*

    I get the New Yorker, New York mag, and Bitch (also a cultural one, but obviously has a particular feminist angle). I also get three cultural magazines that are specific to my country / city, which aren’t as good but nice for the local quality. I found them by googling local arts and culture organizations and taking note of the outlets that had pieces about them.

    New Yorker is definitely my “cup of coffee” favourite — there’s always at least one great long read that piques my interest, plus a short story. And you start to pick up on which staff writers you click with in terms of topics (for me, Jia Tolentino, Emily Nussbaum, Ariel Levy, Adam Gopnik, Rachel Aviv). I know I could probably drop my subscription and just read them online, but I really like the feel of reading the print magazine! And unlike New York mag, I find their long pieces aren’t as NYC focused so it does have a broader appeal. (Still mainly American, though.)

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I like the New Yorker; I had a short-term print sub for a while. Although I’ve moved away from the clutter of print magazines (and even getting mail at all, ugh), I kind of enjoyed having it show up every week. When I have an income and a place again, I might renew it. I can always pass copies on when I’m done with them.

      Right now, I can’t afford any other subscriptions, in either time or money. My new subscriber discount to the LA Times just ran out, doubling the monthly price. I got the Washington Post with a deep discount of $29 for the year (it’s normally $100) because I was tired of hitting the paywall. It’s all I can do to read those every day.

    2. Chaordic One*

      I’m a big fan of the New Yorker, too but it is a bit pricey. I’ve never subscribed but my local library has a magazine exchange rack and a great day is when, every couple of months or so, I find that someone has left a fairly recent copy of the New Yorker.

        1. Chaordic One*

          OTOH, it has a lot of stuff that no one wants and it sits there for ages until one of the librarians or one of the volunteers throws it away.

          Things like the AARP magazine, religious magazines, magazines put out by veterans’ groups like the Legionaires and different employee groups such as federal workers or state workers and publications put out by the county extension office.

          They might be decent publications, but no one at the library seems to want them.

    3. Morningstar*

      In response to those commenting about the expense: I mentioned this above but check out The Sun Magazine if you enjoy essays/interviews/short stories. It’s FREE right now and it’s so good. It can lean towards the serious rather than being a light read.

  99. So hello from Minneapolis*

    Content warning- Covid, 911, PTSD

    Exhausted, heartsick, angry, appalled, empathetic, anxious. In no ranked order. I am about a mile from one of the arson hot spots. I am an immune compromised teacher with mobility issues and this week was the last week of school with elementary school students on line ,majority migrant and marginalized who is also grieving. (That would be the exhausted part) I get that part of my catastrophizing right now is a result of having 911 PTSD. Lived in Brooklyn across from the Towers. Lost 8 friends there. 9 to Covid at this time. I thought I was doing ok.
    Now emergency alerts etc are triggering. Powers that be are making recommendations to have a go bag packed.
    In nyc a go bag had your meds, a change of socks, a mask, some power bars, essential documents and a bottle of water in a backpack you would take to work.

    Now I have cords, chargers, meds. Light pants, underwear, socks and a long sleeve shirt.
    I’m stumped. What else?
    No power bars. No stores. Looted and trashed.
    Do we assume we can drive somewhere? What should we keep in the car?
    I have taken my anti anxiety meds. Anything else for the PTSD. I am doing the next right thing. In this case it is Sunday therefor I am making pancakes.

    1. Natalie*

      I’m also in Minneapolis, personally a little farther away but I grew up along the Lake Street corridor and most of my family is still in that area. I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much PTSD stress on top of the current stress. Please reach out to whatever existing mental health support you have! This is serious and it’s not something you should be just hitting out.

      I’m curious who’s recommending you be ready to vacate? My parents live a few blocks from the site of the murder and right off Lake Street/Chicago, they’re very plugged in to their community and that doesn’t seem to be what they’re hearing. I would encourage you to be cautious about your sources of information. If you aren’t feeling terribly trustworthy of government sources at the moment (perfectly understandable) I would at least get dialed into community or neighborhood groups rather than, say, internet randoms. (I appreciate the irony.)

      That said, if you feel for comfortable with a go bag, I would plan on driving and keep in mind that this isn’t a blizzard or something where the whole region is devastated. If you drive a little ways out of town, most things are operating normally, or at least normally for easing out of SIP, and you would be able to get food and gas and whatnot. I wouldn’t keep anything irreplaceable in the car just in case things touch off again and something happens to your vehicle. IIRC there were a lot of stolen cars being driven around last night.

      1. Natalie*

        *gutting out, not hitting out. I am this close to just turning off autocorrect, I swear.

          1. Natalie*

            I’m glad. :)

            It looks like a beautiful sunny day today and they said the wind is shifting so I hope the air quality is improving on your side of town.

            If you feel comfortable leaving for a little while, my husband and baby and I went to a nature preserve north of the city yesterday and it was just really restorative. Might help to just get away from the view outside the window.

            1. So hello from Minneapolis.*

              It is a beautiful day. Birds are singing, azaleas blooming. I do have gratitude. Since setting here, I have been relieved of the constant stress and anxiety that came with continuing to live in NYC. Yes. That is good orderly direction. We can take a walk today. I love seeing you, your husband and baby on your walk in my mind’s eye. I feel my breath easing and the ability find gratitude for being okay today.

      2. So hello from Minneapolis.*

        No one is recommending evacuating or leaving. The recommendation is to keep in touch with your neighbors but to have a plan. I know my neighbors and we are following the curfew. I am staying off the news and internet. Thank you for your advice.
        Yes, in touch with mental health providers. some advice feels a little absurd. (have you tried listening to music?)

      3. So hello from Minneapolis.*

        oh and let us feel sorry for anyone who steals my car. Bad battery. back seat filled with about a dozen canvas tote bags of children’s books, textbooks, unmarked papers and recycled art supplies. The trunk is filled with my recently deceased friend’s belongings.

    2. Not in MN, but have a bag.*

      Even if you don’t need to have a go bag now, it’s a good idea to have one just for general purposes, modified for your area. For us, it’s tornadoes (so there’s a bin in the basement), blizzards (appropriate items in the car all winter), and if you look online there are some good lists of what to have ready. We also have a longer list of what to get if we had a bit of time before evacuatin; there are stories of people who have a few minutes and grab the craziest thing because they can’t think straight. There’s a longer list for of we had more time (like flooding). A lot depends on what you can comfortably carry, how long you might be gone, and if you expect to be able to return. Bring cash, personal hygiene items, a paper list of contact information.

      1. So hello from Minneapolis.*

        Thanks- its what to prepare that has me a bit befuddled right now. For a very long time I was prepped like a fire fighter. A complete set of clothes by the door, my hiking boots with socks tucked in, my braces, crutch, bottled water. I never wore anything that I couldn’t walk five miles in or sleep in. On my person at all times- two weeks of meds, wipes, back up steroid pack, inhalers. Food. It is only in the last few years that I have trusted that I didn’t need a meeting location and back up plans every day.

    3. Pippa*

      Password protected scans of insurance documents you would need if you evacuated, something happened to your property, and you needed to file a claim. Password protected video or pictures of your property. Email to yourself. Same with medical information, copies of identity info which will take time to replace. Password protected.

    4. NicoleK*

      My suggestions: flash light, toiletries, towel, eyeglasses container (if you wear eye glasses), pens, notepad, earbuds, kleenex, travel blanket, and empty water bottle. I do realize that these items can be bought at a gas station, but if I need to evacuate in the middle of the night, I’d personally would like to have these on hand. I’m in St. Paul, a mile or so from a few retailers that were looted. To all the readers in the Twin Cities, stay safe.

      1. So hello from Minneapolis.*

        thanks Nicole. Your suggestions are great and I didn’t think of these things. Stay safe.

    5. Nita*

      I get it. If my husband let me, I would grab the kids, get in the car, run and never look back. It’s in my blood. My great-grandparents did it, twice. My grandmother did it. I know what happens when you don’t run. So my advice if you’re feeling nervous is, pack whatever you need and be ready to leave. Unlike me, you don’t need to convince anyone that it’s go time. Any friends nearby who would be willing to let you stay? If not in their house, perhaps parked in their driveway and social distancing? That said, I really hope you can stay safe at home. Please chime in next week and let us know you’re OK. This is all so unfair, and as usual, all the wrong people end up suffering.

  101. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I need some ingredient-specific ideas, please! I made myself a carrot cake for my birthday and used about 3/4 c of buttermilk. I now have a big bottle of buttermilk! I could do biscuits and pancakes, but does anyone have a good SAVORY buttermilk recipe? Vegetarian, please– can’t do buttermilk fried chicken, either!

      1. Pennyworth*

        Buttermilk fried tofu is a thing, and buttermilk can be frozen for later use – you can measure out portions into ziplock bags, or freeze tablespoons in icecube trays then bag.

    3. Kathenus*

      You could make homemade buttermilk ranch dressing – google it and you’ll find a variety of recipes. Back in the day before bottled ranch was a thing, when I was a kid, you had to use buttermilk with the Hidden Valley ranch powdered mix. We also had no other use for buttermilk so we only made it for special occasions since we tended to waste the rest. Ah, the olden days of my youth.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        I didn’t know you could freeze it, I’ll have to keep that in mind for next time!

    5. Pharmgirl*

      You can add it to grits or polenta. I’ve added it to scrambled eggs as well if you eat those. Or you can make savory biscuits or quick bread.

    6. Lovecraft Beauty*

      Salted lassi! Homemade ricotta! You can also use it as the liquid in regular bread, as well.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      soda bread! I mentioned up a ways, I like Paul Hollywood’s version. I usually do it plain, but have added garlic and herbs and cheese as well in the past. (Never measured, just eyeballed it.)

    8. HBJ*

      For future reference, there’s no need to specifically buy buttermilk for recipe. I never do because I don’t use it in many recipes, and then I’d be stuck with half the bottle going bad. If you google, “buttermilk substitute,” there are a lot of options. The most common one is adding a tablespoon of lemon juice or vinegar to enough milk to make one cup total, then letting it sit for a few minutes.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I’ve done that before, but I much prefer the taste and texture of buttermilk.

    9. Miles*

      Savory cobblers are great, and you could top them with buttermilk biscuits. I’ve done a tomato one, and a corn and leek one, and I bet a mushroom stew would be amazing. Basically, just take any veggie stew recipe you have and near the end top it with the biscuits and bake it for 20-30 minutes.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        You know, I’ve done that before– it’s been a while! And it was delicious. I have some fresh corn I can incorporate too, plus a new Dutch oven I got for my birthday… thanks for the reminder!

    10. heckofabecca*

      Hear me out: lentil pot pie is AMAZING when you sub out the crust and just use buttermilk biscuits instead. I imagine any vegetarian pot pie would work though! Just make the innards and dip in the biscuits :)

    11. Parenthetically*

      Make a pie crust and use buttermilk as the liquid (we do a greens/feta/pumpkin/garlic pie with a buttermilk or yogurt crust that is just amazing)! Do buttermilk-fried okra! Or cauliflower! Or whatever!

      Also, make a zillion biscuits and freeze them before baking — freeze until solid on a baking sheet, then transfer to a large ziplock bag and freeze for… six months? Probably more? You don’t have to make any adjustments when baking, and the major advantage is you can just pull a couple out to have with dinner rather than having to bake a full batch!

    12. Not A Manager*

      You can freeze buttermilk. Freeze it in portions that you are likely to need for recipes such as pancakes, etc. and then thaw as needed.

  102. Choggy*

    Received a cash inheritance which is tax free. I’m not sure where/how this will factor into my taxes as I put it in my savings account and will be moving it to my mutual fund account soon. I guess I just let my account know the amount and he can figure it out? :)

    1. Enough*

      You should only owe taxes on what ever you earn on the money in the accounts. For Fed’s as long as you owe less than $1000 or paid throughout the year an amount that equals or exceeds what you paid the year before or paid 90% of current year there should be no penalties. States can be more problematic. Mine wants a penalty in you owe over a certain amount or if you failed to pay quarterly properly. If it’s a large amount you may need to make quarterly payments or adjust your withholding from any wages you earn.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep you just pay in the interest. BTDT.
        Your accountant/financial person should be able to estimate interest for you and figure out if you need to do quarterlies.
        I think at one point I just had more taxes taken out of my paycheck and that is how I navigated the whole thing. It was not a huge amount of money that I inherited, though.

  103. J.B.*

    Can anyone recommend good online or book resources other than Al-Anon for adult children of alcoholics? I know where to find the online Al-Anon group but would love additional perspectives for myself the overthinker.

    1. self employed*

      I’ve heard good things about the author Melody Beattie but I haven’t read her stuff personally.

      1. "Perfect" Daughter*

        I second Melodie Beattie – reading her book Co-dependent No More was a real turning point for me. Although it was geared towards partners of alcoholics, I found it very helpful.
        I’ve read Robert Ackerman’s book, Perfect Daughters: Adult Children of Alcoholics, and thought it was excellent. I haven’t read anything else of his, but he does write a lot about alcoholism and families.

  104. A.L.*

    Hi everyone! I recently bought a 2 story house. It has no closet on the first floor (I guess they went with a half-bath instead under the staircase). The house was built in the 1940s. I would like to be able to store a vacuum and brooms downstairs instead of having to lug them from the upstairs utility closet. I bought a storage cabinet, but couldn’t put any shelves in or it wouldn’t fit a broom, and it won’t fit the vacuum anyway, so it’s a very wobbly, short-term solution. Any ideas for a good looking, permanent solution? Thanks in advance!!

    1. Reba*

      Would it be in the budget to install a “real” cabinet? Maybe it could be done in a style that matches the kitchen?

      1. A.L.*

        There’s unfortunately no space in the kitchen to install a pantry/broom cabinet type cabinet. I thought about maybe trying to have a closet installed elsewhere, but am not sure how an added closet would look. Google is not super helpful- I would’ve thought loads of old houses would have the same problem!

        1. Reba*

          Oh yeah, I was imagining elsewhere than the kitchen! I think the answer was in these old houses (in addition to having less stuff) people had freestanding pieces of furniture that held things.

          In one place I lived, there was linen storage in the form of a kind of built in hutch at the end of a hall. Surprisingly so handy.

        2. Colette*

          I think your biggest issue with getting someone to install a closet would be that it’s such a small job.

          Do you have a suitable space? You’d either put it in a corner (so that your room is no longer square or along an entire wall. (You may not be able to have a plug-in in it, so that’s something to consider as weall.)

      2. Reba*

        Not knowing exactly what you tried that didn’t work…. What about an armoire type cabinet that has a vertical divider (rather than shelves all the way across)? Then you could remove shelves to hold tall items on one side, and have useable shelves on the other side.
        As an example of what I’m talking about, there is an item on Wayfair called “Howard Armoire” that has a grid of shelves inside, rather than one big opening.

        1. A.L.*

          Thanks for the suggestion! I actually bought my other cabinet from Wayfair. I guess what I am thinking of (and not articulating properly) is a permanent solution like a closet (or a built in cabinet or one attached to a wall that would be strong enough to hold a vacuum). I just am not sure how that would look or how much it would cost (is this something a carpenter would have to do?).

          1. Reba*

            I’d look on Houzz or something for “built in hall storage” or “built in lockers.”

            In my area there are firms that specialize in closets and storage. You might look for those for a quote.

    2. Red Sky*

      I’ve found the Ikea Pax closet storage systems super customizeable for storage needs beyond just clothing. Currently have 2 for pantry storage and I’ve added drawers and shelves. You start with one of the Pax frames (basically a big box) then add on hinge doors or sliding doors if you want, then the interior organizers such as a divider frame and shelves/drawers so you can have a tall space to have brooms and mops etc.

      1. fposte*

        Yup. I’d google “Ikea hacks” and then play around with terms like “cleaning supplies” or “vacuum cleaner” and “storage.”

    3. WellRed*

      If you are going to be there awhile, depending on the house layout and budget, I’d consider seeing if a real closet is an option. Do you have a friend who’s good at understanding this type of thing who can suggest if it’s even possible? And the get a few estimates from general contractor types.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Pinterest has some DIY ideas. But I am wondering if the bigger problem is where to put it. If so, perhaps you can re-purpose or dual purpose an existing closet.

      A carpenter/handyperson might be able to point out where you can remove an existing cabinet and put in an utility closet.

      It might be annoying but maybe not, can brooms and such fit in the half-bath and then you would just need a place for the vac?

      The house I grew up in had a corner which the previous owners covered over with doors (and appropriate framework) on the diagonal to make a utility closet. I hate corner closets but there was really no other space to put it. My father put in specialty hooks so everything had a dedicated hook. That worked out well. The closet ran floor to ceiling so there were shelves above where we could put paper goods.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      We don’t have any closets in house either (other than in the bedroom and I don’t believe it was original to the house). I just prop the broom up by the kitchen trash can.

      My mom always stored things like that at the top of the basement stairs.

    6. RagingADHD*

      We used to keep the broom & dustpan in the slot between the fridge and the wall, or between the fridge and the edge of the counter.

      In one home with no coat closet, we created one by putting folding louvered doors across one side of the entryway. We kept the vacuum in there.

    7. Alex*

      Can you get a different vacuum? I have one of those Dyson stick ones that attach to the wall for charging/storage. And you could hang your broom right next to it. This could go someplace out of the way in the kitchen, or if you have a basement, on the wall on the stairs.

    8. Chaordic One*

      If you want a permanent cabinet installed you might consider consulting with one of those companies that builds cabinets for organizing bedroom closets. Something like “Closets by Design.” They often install shelving and/or cabinetry in home offices, garages, pantries or bedrooms. They could install a cabinet or closet in a corner or along a wall, perhaps near your front door. Such companies will usually give free estimates and, while not cheap, it is something to consider.

    9. Cruciatus*

      I was going to recommend what a lot of people here have already covered, so I would add…do you have an attached garage? I assume if so, it’d be on the same level that you need the vacuum. If it it’s easily accessible could you have a closet built/put in there right near the door?

      Also, do you need that half bath? If it’s the only bathroom on that floor probably, but if there is another could it be turned back into a closet? Or is there any additional space behind it that could be turned into a closet?

    10. Anono-me*

      Can you turn the space between two studs into a shallow, tall, skinny closet/cupboard? If you can switch to a stick vac; you should be able to put it in the closet along, with a broom and a few other supplies.

    11. I don't mean to be rude - I'm just good at it*

      In the Philadelphia area, houses like you describe were built without closets. Houses were taxed on the number of rooms and a closet was considered a room. The houses are not large and it’s difficult to install a closet in many of them.

    12. Red Sky*

      Might be too late for you to see this, but what if you reduced the depth of the shelves in your existing cabinet so there’s room to hang the broom on the inside of the door(s) and the door(s) will still close without the broom bumping the shelves.

  106. Reba*

    Finding nice things on social media In These Times

    I’m glued to the phone watching the news this weekend. I’ve decided as an immune-compromised person, I can’t go join in any demonstration. I’ve done my financial solidarity (as we say around here, progressive taxation begins at home, lol).

    AND SO in addition to all the horrifying news I’m taking in, I want to share something that is really happy-making and beautiful that I’m following on social media, too — the hashtags #BlackBirdersWeek and #BlackInNature. Everyone’s photos are great and their research projects are fascinating!

    Anybody else finding pockets of positivity online today? Please share!

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I usually find positivity in the weekend posts heh. For a daily fix, I follow tanksgoodnews on social media as well as John Krasinki. They post good things that happen on the daily. Also, Drsmashlove posts super cute animals … his captions aren’t everyone’s cup of tea (I personally love them but people can differ), but the pix make up for them.

    2. PX*

      I feel you on this weekend being…terrible. One small beacon of hope was a story I saw out of Flint where the Sherrif actually listened to the protesters and joined them in their march which was like. Why cant everyone else be like that?

      But otherwise I’m definitely going to have to get off Instagram for a bit. Definitely too much news for me right now. As posted above, my escapism continues to be BA Test Kitchen, or finding some wholesome comedies to watch. Now may be the time to get caught up on Schitts Creek.

    4. Kathenus*

      My work has blocked the old 70’s radio site I used to stream at work on weekends, but I’ve substituted with Nature Sounds on YouTube, of which there seem to be an endless supply. So having the sounds of birds, waterfalls, etc. running in the background has been quite relaxing.

  108. Not A Manager*

    CW – Anxiety about health. Frank discussion of symptoms.

    .
    .
    .
    .

    I’ve been having more and more pelvic discomfort over the past 6-8 months. I’ve always been prone to UTIs and other infections in the reproductive area, but while these symptoms are similar they are not exactly the same. During lockdown I’d been self-treating with antibiotics (after texting with the doctor) and it took an unusually long time for the antibiotics to seemingly have an effect.

    I just learned that you can buy UTI test strips OTC, so now I can check and in fact, I do not have a UTI. This is probably why the antibiotics didn’t appear to have much of an effect in the recent past. I currently am in a lot of discomfort, and the OTC analgesic (Azo) seems to provide some relief but not a lot.

    I have an appointment with a gynecologist tomorrow. I know that she is a doctor and I am not one, and Dr. Google is not my friend. But I’m still worried and still trying to suss out what might be causing this.

    Although in some ways this is really an anxious post/looking for support and good wishes, I also have two questions. The first is, did you experience something like this, and if so what turned out to be the cause or what worked to alleviate your symptoms?

    Secondly, if you have techniques for treading that line between, “I am paying attention to my body and to my own medical history and I’m actively thinking of what might be causing this” and “I am playing doctor and self-diagnosing,” please share them.

    My two possibilities that I’d like to raise for the doctor are, I’m in menopause and started HRT about six months ago. I wonder if the hormone dosage could be off and maybe I’m experiencing inflammation. Second, I have a small prolapse that occurred during childbirth, and I wonder if exercise/medication/time has exacerbated it. I have a rigorous series of abdominal exercises that I do, and I wonder if those are causing some issues.

    On the other hand, I also wonder if it could be ovarian cancer, so there you go, thanks Dr. Google.

    1. Anom-a-long-a-ding-dong*

      I had pelvic pain for years. It can be a whole host of things, so it’s good you’re getting checked out. I don’t want to get into what my specific condition was because there are so many things it could be for you that it wouldn’t be helpful.

      I always found the best things to do are 1) get a really clear handle on exactly what my symptoms were and 2)not be afraid of getting a second opinion. Women with pelvic pain often see several doctors before they get any sort of diagnosis, and sometimes they have to go to even more before they find the right one. You may want to look for pelvic pain/vulvodynia specialists just in case your gyno has no idea what’s going on. The national vulvodynia association has a website that you can look up providers on.

      Things your doctor will want to know to help figure everything out:
      -what type of pain? Burning, stinging, stabbing, aching, etc.
      -where specifically is the pain? Some people with stuff like pudental neuralgia get pain all the way into their legs…some people only have pain in one small spot.
      -when do you notice the pain? Is it triggered by something like sex, going to the bathroom, or your period? Is it constant? Does it have “flares”? Any hypothesis you have on what your triggers might be is helpful. For me, it was triggered by touch, so my doctor could poke the right spot and I would hit the ceiling. Not everyone’s pain is that predictable.
      -do you have bathroom issues? (Pelvic floor stuff often comes with that, it’s nothing to be ashamed of)

      Hope this helps- good luck at your doctor.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Would you characterize it as

      1) low abdominal pain, as in the region of your uterus or ovaries, or bladder;
      2) pain in the external organs & surface region, or
      3) pain in the pelvic bones & joints?

      I had searing pain in the pubic symphysis, years after having kids when everything should have tightened back up. It turned out to be related to overall joint & inflammation issues with body mechanics/posture and the muscles in the hips & pelvic girdle. Fixing my posture, gait & shoes, and doing mobility exercises helped.

      That may not be directly related to your experiences, but it turned out to be of those things that wasn’t “nothing”, because it hurt like a m*****f****r, but it was nothing dangerous.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      As far as dealing with doctors goes, I try to be as clear as possible about what I’m experiencing and how it’s impacting my ability to function. I bring notes, I religiously track my symptoms, and I also track how those symptoms are keeping me from doing things. I’ll link a pair of pain and fatigue scales in a reply to this comment, I keep them in mind when assigning a rating and use the wording in there.

      If there’s something I’m worried about, I ask them their reasoning for [X]. I’ll ask how the treatment plans will fulfill the goals I have (not being in pain, better functioning, etc.). I try to ask any questions in a way that leads the doctor to explain their reasoning to me. Even if you do understand, asking those questions in that way can get the doctor thinking about things, and sometimes when they talk through things they change their mind. And, of course, the ever-present “how does being female change [X]?” question, which I will never not hate having to ask.

    4. Red Sky*

      If you’re having symptoms similar to a UTI but no actual infection it could be Interstitial Cystitis (IC) which a gynecologist may not accurately diagnose. Ask me how I know… I also had similar symptoms and after about 6-12 mos of different docs and tests I finally got the Interstitial Cystitis diagnosis from a urologist. Previous posters have made great points about tracking your symptoms and what makes it worse/better and I’d also add that with IC diet can be a huge factor in pain flares so pay careful attention if certain foods seem to make it worse and if drinking lots of water makes it better. With IC you have tears in the lining of your bladder so anything that makes your urine more acidic (cranberry juice for ex) makes the pain flare up worse and since you don’t actually normally feel your bladder it refers the pain to vagina/pelvic area. I’ve also heard from members of my IC support group that a prolapse can make it worse, but PT helps with that.

    5. Squidhead*

      Not to antagonize your doctor, but consider asking how they will know what they are looking for. Like, it’s not uncommon to see UTI symptoms, and if they go

      1. Squidhead*

        Sorry…this site is very buggy on my phone! Anyway, if UTI symptoms go away with antibiotics, it’s reasonable to think you had

        1. Squidhead*

          argh! I switched to a computer. So, if UTI symptoms go away with antibiotics, it’s reasonable to think you had a UTI. It’s a diagnostic tool and a treatment in one step. But if they don’t, what’s the next step? Maybe a urine culture to actually see if any bacteria or yeast colonies grow (perhaps the bug you have is not killed by the antibiotics you took)–and the doctor should be able to explain this rationale to you. Maybe the doctor thinks that some type of imaging is a good idea (X-ray, CT scan, ultrasound)….why does the doctor recommend one vs the other? (For example, X-rays are pretty okay for seeing bones, but almost useless for seeing blood vessels). If they do recommend testing or imaging, what kind of prep do you need to do? The doctor themself might not tell you this, but a nurse or the testing office should be able to tell you. Examples–arrive with a full/empty bladder, do a bowel prep, do not eat after midnight before your blood draw, etc… Also, when do they expect to have the results from whatever testing/imaging they order?

          I do think it’s a fine line between “I googled this so I know everything” and “I googled this so now I’m concerned about it.” (I work as a nurse; we see this a lot!) I find it’s easier when a patient is forthright about their concern–if you say to your doctor “I’m really concerned that this could be something serious like cancer, how would we know if that was the case?” then at least the doctor knows where your questions are coming from and should demonstrate that they are taking your concern seriously and be able to explain why they do/don’t recommend a specific test or why your symptoms do/don’t support X as being a likely problem.

          I hope your appointment goes well and you can reach a treatment plan soon!

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Two things you didn’t mention, but are both common and non-panic-worthy: endometriosis and fibroids. I had gotten so used to abdominal discomfort that it wasn’t until after we dealt with the fibroids that I realized how bad it really had been. Because it felt so good when it stopped, you know?
      One of the treatments for fibroids is an estrogen antagonist, so taking HRT could aggravate them.
      And that is the sum total of my relevant information. Talk to the doctor.

  109. Anxious cat servant*

    We have kittens! My husband is a priest and yesterday he got a call from the organist who swore she heard a cat from inside the walls or something. Well our walls are solid stone but we have an ectensive AC system so we rushed up to save the poor cat that was trapped in the pipes. A bit of investigation later and no one was in the pipes (thank goodness) but a mamma cat and four ~4 week old kittens had found their way into our tiny,dirty, wet church basement. They’re adorable, of course. Mamma cat seems wary but not feral – she’d let us get within a few inches to feed her and she was starving. You could see most of her bones. We would have pulled them out yesterday but one kitten was back in a hole where only mamma cat could get him and she was more interested in eating. This morning all 4 were in the box nest we’d left for her to get them out of the century-old mud down there.

    DH and I are going up soon to bring them to our house. Unfortunately the church basement just isn’t kitten-proof and our local shelter can’t take them until tomorrow at the earliest. We have a spare bathroom that’s served as a kitten room before so we can keep this family safe and contained until they can go to the shelter.

    My first and last experience with kittens was taking in a solo 5-week-old and while I know some things will be the same, I suspect having both mamma and playmates (solo kitten wanted to play all the time!) will make a huge difference. So, anyone done this before and have any tips?

    3. Amy*

      Good for you! :)

      You will want to provide Mom with a dark, enclosed, nest-like space to keep her kittens. She will probably be more scared when you get her into your house than she was in the church, so she may try to hide the kittens somewhere (like behind the toilet) if you don’t give her a little cave of her own.

      Make sure to keep the toilet lid down! Kittens could jump in and drown.

      Provide Mom with food made for kittens – she needs the calories! She is getting close to weaning and that is the most nutritionally taxing time for her, since the kittens are so big and nursing so much.

      I know you won’t have them for very long, but do your best to win Mom over. The kittens will look to her to decide how to react to you.

      If the shelter isn’t able to take them, or if they are at risk of euthanasia, would you be willing to foster them?

    4. Anxious cat servant*

      Thank you all! They’re SUPER cute, if still human shy. Unfortunately we were not able to get mamma cat so we left them all up at the church for the night but made it as safe and snug as possible.

      Our shelter just reopened with a new, very nice cat wing and at present only two of the pens are occupied so they should have space. I suspect they’ll spend a few weeks with a foster family and I’d totally volunteer if they’ll let us.

      I am worried that mamma will never quite be a house cat and will ask, before taking them in, what they’ll do if they consider her to be feral. We’ve already decided that if she wants to live outdoors then the church needs a good mouser. I just hope the shelter can spay her so there’s no more kittens.

      If taking her in does put her life at risk then we’re back to taking them ourselves for a bit. I kind of really hope for that even though I know that a bathroom full of kittens will most certainly complicate life!

      1. Anxious cat servant*

        And just adding, we’ll make sure she’s spayed one way or another. We’ve just had enough vet bills this month and I’d rather someone else paid this time!

      2. Black Horse Dancing*

        If not feral, she should be able to be rehabbed, If feral, TNR is terrific.

  110. KoiFeeder*

    Ear infection. I’ve seen the doctor, I’ve got the prescription, does anyone have any advice on things to distract me from shoving a q-tip into my ear? The itching is so distracting that I can’t focus on animating or sewing (my go-tos for distraction), and the doc was really clear that the only thing I get to put in my ears for the course of the antibiotics is the antibiotics.

    1. Jules the First*

      This is maybe not the solution you are looking for, but I put the box of Q tips in the freezer. I am not tempted to stick very cold thing in my ears.
      (And of course, you should never put anything larger than your elbow in your ears without a doctor’s say-so…)

    2. Sunset Maple*

      Yes! Push your tragus flat against your ear canal for a moment, then quickly wiggle it open and shut for about 10-20 seconds. It’s the same principle as putting consistent pressure on a mosquito bite instead of scratching it.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Try itching something near the ear or the back of the ear. Sometimes scratching near the thing that itches seems to help me.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        1) I love your username.
        2) This one in combination with Jules’ solution was the winner. I currently have a cold pack up on my ear right now and it keeps me from putting anything in the ear. Thank you!

  111. Deanna Troi*

    So glad you posted about kittens!! It is great that you have the mama, because it will be so much easier than the orphan you took in. Mama will teach them all kinds of things, most importantly how to use the litter box and when they are playing too rough/how to curb their hunting drive during play.

    The shelter might be willing to pay for their care if you’re willing to foster them, if the shelter is overwhelmed with kitten season. If you’d be willing to foster them, you could ask about that. Good luck witb the sweeties!

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