weekend open thread – June 27-28, 2020

by Alison Green on June 27, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Perfect Little World, by Kevin Wilson. An 18-year-old sleeps with her teacher, gets pregnant, and becomes part of a scientific project studying what happens when 10 families raise their children collectively. It turns out that planned utopias have as much dysfunction as anywhere else. (He also wrote the wonderful Nothing to See Here.)

* I make a commission if you use those Amazon links.

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  1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

    Looking for advice and tips on weight loss if you’ve got any, but specifically:

    – hearing from those who’ve kept the weight off long term (esp. weight loss NOT from bariatric surgery, as I am ineligible for this)
    – weight loss in AFAB women over 40 going through the menopause – is this possible?!
    – if you tracked your food intake, how?
    – what to do when the motivation is lacking, or the healthy eating plans go way off track?
    – how did you manage your portion sizes?
    – did you retrain yourself to notice hunger pangs rather than eating from boredom etc, and how?
    – did you use any good free or very low-cost apps or online community forums (not WW et al., though) for support?
    – did your family/friends help you, or did you keep it quiet? What did you say to people who noticed you’d lost weight?
    – anything else?

    I’m not looking for dietary or exercise advice because I have specific dietary requirements and allergies, and physical problems, and so I’ve got that covered by my health professionals; thank you so much in advance!

    (PS. Liverpool are champions and awesome! XD)

    1. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

      Lost 20kg, and have kept a good amount of it off
      – MyFitnessPal for tracking, portion sizes and there are some decentish forums and its free
      – if I’m hungry, drink some tea or water and wait 10 minutes to reduce mindless eating
      – remembering no day is perfect, some days you eat everything in sight and that’s OK, but tomorrow is a new day. I don’t have “bad” or “forbidden” foods and I try to use positive self talk, which is hard
      – I went for not talking about it, to minimise unsolicited advice

    2. Kate*

      I’m trying to do the same as you, not menopause yet but over 40 as well. One thing that has helped when I’m totally off track is to fast for a day (also helps with indigestion problems). It really helps to remind me that no, I shouldn’t take “just one nut” when I open a new pack to pour it out to a bowl, etc. And it kind of resets my stomach, who then next day starts feeling full and heavy already after small portions (I guess it’s like coming back to work after Monday).
      I use a dessert-size of plate instead of dinner-size for portion control. I also have a huge cup that I try to keep by my side filled with water or tea, it helps to keep from feeling hungry. And just in case I have some carrots in fridge (but don’t keep anything next to computer that you don’t want to find being secretly eaten by gremlins because who else could get at it when nobody but you was at home and anyway these were sitting between wall and yourself, right?).

    3. Lych*

      For me, what has been really important for losing weight in a healthy way is realising that eating too little is just as counterproductive as eating too much. So often I have fallen into a pattern of eating 700 kcal less than I needed to lose weight with my exercise pattern. This just resulted in me being completely unable to function and falling asleep all day. Things finally changed when I tracked my calories for a month, paying special attention to eating enough, and then stopped tracking and started relying on my newly learned habits and actual hunger cues. As long as I only eat when I am actually hungry, and not just craving something, I lose weight.

      1. Lilith*

        I found I had the exact same problem, with being way too extreme in restricting calories and it actually affecting my ability to live my life.

        I ended up planning my food out for the weeks ahead, which meant I could work out the nutritional value of everything when I wasn’t already in ‘food food food’ mode. My planning includes literally everything, including snacks, and anything that’s not on the plan doesn’t get bought so I can’t mindlessly pick at food but I’m still sure that I’m actually getting enough of everything. Helped me work through cravings, and also started doing origami as a hobby just as something to concentrate on and occupy my hands!

    4. Alexandra Lynch*

      I am 48, going through perimenopause, and have fibromyalgia and arthritis as well as some food allergies and intolerances. I have lost 35 pounds this year.

      I am using myfitnesspal . com to track my calories. They give me, as a sedentary woman of this age, 1350 calories a day. I can “earn” more calories through exercise. However, most days that 1350 is fine. You can have those calories however you want. Yesterday I had an English muffin with real butter and jam for breakfast (I can’t eat a heavy breakfast), a cup of yogurt about 10 am, a hamburger and small bag of chips for lunch, a cup of chai tea with cream and sugar in it about 3:30 pm, and homemade crab cakes with wild rice pilaf and garlic bread for dinner. Then I had a cup of hot chocolate with real whipped cream before I went to bed. I am not suffering at all. (grin)

      They have support forums which are good, and people do it all different ways; some people are doing keto, some people are doing intermittent fasting, some people are trying to bulk and cut to improve their looks, and some of us are there with hundreds of pounds to lose and bad eating habits and coping strategies to unlearn.

      I have been doing portion control to shrink my capacity to eat, since I can’t eat large amounts of low-cal vegetables (thanks, IBS). I largely don’t keep things that I want to binge on in the house, and do some of the portion control by buying individual bags of chips and things like that.
      Motivation has been pretty high in me because I have sore feet from the arthritis, and I had a LOT less soreness with the first weight off, and that has kept getting better and rewarding me. I do daily yoga practice, and I can fold up tighter, and that’s a reward. As is having to buy new clothes that are smaller. My partners are very encouraging and supportive, and praise me when I come downstairs in new jeans.
      While I can say that my motivation is to find my waist and my adult figure (I’ve been fat since my early teens) actually, my motivation is to walk into Christmas this year 75 pounds down with a new figure, a Coach purse, and a fabulous engagement ring, and watch my sister writhe in jealousy. (Wry grin) Not all that noble, but it’s kept me on the straight and narrow several times.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      Tracking daily food, water, and exercise is essential for me. I lost about 60 lbs at age 48 and at 50 am focused on keeping it off. I use my Fitbit alongside a good old fashioned paper notebook. I found that a lot of my eating has more to do with emotions than actual hunger so making note of how I was feeling that day helps me determine the difference between needing food and needing something else. I also made a lot of small changes, like taking stairs instead of the elevator, whole grain bread instead of white, etc. When I want to reward myself, it’s always non-food. (A book, a new pair of fun socks, a pretty plant) I also found that by not tying myself to a numbered weight goal I had more success. My goals are things like completing a 5 mile hike with my dog, making it up all 6 flights of stairs at work (back in the day when I went to the office!), finishing up a whole week with healthy food choices, not “when I lose 5 pounds”. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Some days it just doesn’t work and you have to forgive yourself and move forward. “I already ate half the contents of the kitchen so I might as well have dessert!” is a trap! “Well, that happened, so now I’m going to drink a bunch of water and go for a nice walk” is much better!

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Thank you, this is really helpful. I have about the same to lose, and I like your techniques.
        Can I ask – all the stuff I have read has suggested that the calorie intake for those who lose weight to get to their ideal weight, is less than those of the same ideal weight who have never had to lose it. This is because of muscle loss.
        Have you found that you have needed to do strength exercises? And have you found that you have to eat much fewer calories?

    6. PharmaCat*

      I use myfitnesspal as well. I also suggest buying a food scale and measuring portions, until you have a better idea of what a standard serving looks like.

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Yes, good point! I don’t really have a good idea of what portion sizes are, so it would be helpful to measure at first.

    7. WellRed*

      I’m 50, started using MyFitnessPal at the start of the year and have lost 10 pounds so far. I eat fairly healthy anyway, I have diabetes, and have to weigh and measure food. I set multiple short term goals. I don’t use the app every single day, btw, but it still makes me feel accountable and motivated.

    8. Workerbee*

      Over 40, not a registered health person of anything, and what I did / have been doing is:
      -Accepted the help and motivation of a long-distance friend already into fitness (after grumbling over it for a week prior).
      —Thinking about the “why” of losing weight and getting fit. He said losing weight itself can’t be the sole goal because it won’t be enough and people can backslide. For him, it was so he’d be around for his young child as she grew up. I had to find my why.
      —Committing to MyFitnessPal and being honest with my tracking so I could see in front of my eyeballs what I was doing…and not doing.
      —Talking over my Week 3 “I hate this” slump with said friend
      —Exercise! Whatever you enjoy doing is my view, and of course adhere to tolerance levels and safe methods for you. But if you hate the method, you’ll resent the heck out of it and it’s too easy to say you can skip a day. So this can be a variety of options. Also, if I know I have a day of outdoor work ahead of me, I’ll skip the elliptical, so things like that.
      —I definitely (or defiantly) track housecleaning too.
      —Moderation in food, which comes slowly and is not always adhered to. Yet: I don’t really restrict myself from anything I like, I just don’t eat the whole durned thing in one setting or take all the options if I haven’t justified it by exercising. Sometimes it’s hard to tell your taste buds NO! even when you’re already full.

      I make myself step back and think things like: “I just had 3 chicken drumsticks. They haven’t even had time to reach the depths of my innards. Wait a bit before deciding on dessert because you feel hungry still but it’s not really true,” or “I could have ice cream, or Cheetos, or chocolate”—and decide on a real portion of one or little bits of each.
      —This last bit might sound overly regimental but it doesn’t take as long as it did to read or type, and you get used to the instant calculations your brain does for you once you get used to the concept of tracking in the first place. Also for me, I found that if I denied myself favorite things, I wouldn’t stay committed to my goal. But that’s just me!
      —Don’t panic if the scale shows a little gain after you’ve been doing everything you should. There’s a point where the scale isn’t accurately conveying your tone and fitness. You’ll know better by how you look, feel, and fit into your clothes.

      I lost 20 pounds in a year, two years ago, am satisfied with that and have kept it off. By no means perfectly, but I am aware of balance, moderation, and my goals.

      1. Workerbee*

        Arrgh, forgot: Smart watch fitness tracker as well. Set it to bug you to move. I rant at it, but it works for me.

      2. Kiwi with laser beams*

        The scale thing is real – according to my dietitian, it’s because you’ve gained muscle from exercising more. He’s had clients quit when they see that initial small weight gain, even though he also measures body fat with calipers and that does show a result. If that happens with you, don’t quit and don’t undereat (another thing my dietitian says a lot of people do when trying to lose weight). Just keep going.

      3. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Congrats! And thanks for the tips, this is really thoughtful of you.

    9. Not A Manager*

      I’m well over 40, and I gained a ton of weight when I experienced symptoms of menopause after going off the pill. For me personally, I could not take any of it off until I started HRT. Once on HRT, I used the weight watchers app and added some exercise. I’m not back to my college weight or anything like that, but I did lose what I wanted to and I’ve been able to keep it off.

    10. Kathenus*

      In my early 50’s, post-menopause, I was able to lose 15-20 pounds over about four months. What worked for me was focusing on two specific things – reducing alcohol consumption (due to calories) and smaller portion size. And if I was still hungry, I made myself wait at least 30 minutes after eating to get more – if I was still hungry then I’d have more, but generally once the food hit my system I was fine. Other than just trying to mostly eat healthier food, and being deliberate about it when I did eat less good options (meaning it was a conscious decision, not habit), I didn’t change anything else. I’ve tried the exercise route but it never sticks for me to dramatically increase exercise, so I knew that was unlikely to work this time. None of the popular diets were for me, so I chose two things I felt I could easily control and decided to see how it went. For the first time in over a decade I went down a pant size and wow was that great motivation to continue. Now my goal is just to stay where I am, my weight still fluctuates at times, but as long as I can stay in these pants I’m pretty happy.

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Congrats, and thanks – I like the tip to wait, I will definitely use that. I am aiming for more intuitive eating so I can recognise when I am full or not.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Water and rest.

      Water: Thirst will masquerade as hunger. Figure out how much water you should take in daily. There are different formulas. What I do is take my current weight and divide by 2. The result is the number of ounces of water I should drink a day. I measure it out in mason jars in the morning. (Yes, I am a grown a$$ed adult and I cannot remember to drink water. So now there are annoying mason jars on the counter that must be finished about 2 hours before bedtime.) If I feel like snacking or eating more after dinner, I have a drink of water and let that settle in for a short bit. Then I check to see if I am still hungry.

      Rest. Think of it this way, we have to get energy from some where- we get it from food and sleep. If we do not get enough sleep then by default we must have MORE food. I was amazed to find out that the “well-rested me” did not graze much at all. Well-rested me could follow my diet restraints. All this time, I had thought I was weak/stupid/hogish and what was really wrong is that I was actually low on energy from not sleeping enough.
      The body does “maintenance” work while we sleep. If we fail to sleep enough, that work does not get done. So not only does this set us up to eat too much it also sets us up for health issues later on.

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Thank you so much for your kind words – I always think you write kindly to others asking for advice :-)
        I have been way too hard on myself in the past and have had disordered eating all my life, so an approach that is kinder to myself that isn’t all based around food and exercise (and hence the input from professionals I am having) will work most for me I think. I will definitely do this.

    12. university minion*

      Quit alcohol. I hate that this is my first suggestion, because I loved and miss beer. Quitting booze also alleviated my night sweats that have been my most problematic symptom of impending menopause.

      This leads to… better sleep. Get your sleep hygiene up to snuff. I get stupid, stressed and hungry when I’m exhausted.

      Cook your meals at home, mostly vegetarian – think of meat as a condiment. I personally don’t cook low-cal/”healthified” versions of anything and I love food. I’m part raccoon. I’ll eat anything. I also have a few go-to combos of salad ingredients that I like and make a quick, filling meal when I’m in a hurry.

      Keep your activity level consistent and make any increases very, very gradually. For me, what that looks like is lower intensity than I might prefer, but I do something every, single, day (walk, run or cycle, generally). I haven’t done anything to push my distance or speed in a while. If I wanted further weight loss, this is probably where I’d end up having to change things up, since I enjoy eating too much. Keep in mind that if you want to lose more weight, it’s harder to do with exercise alone. Not saying it can’t be done – but extra miles take time out of the day you might not have.

    13. KeinName*

      I‘ve lost 15 kilo due to an illness but have not gained it back since 2016. the secret is that i stopped eating wheat/gluten and most dairy products (due to illness), as well as refined sugar for fear of becoming ill again :-) For me it was really interesting that cutting out some food groups automatically stopped the weight gain. Since COVID I have started to eat more sweets again but have also started walking an hour each day so have not yet gained much weight.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Same boat. Illness, quit dairy entirely, quit wheat/gluten mostly, got better, discovered I was 30-40 pounds lighter and some of my clothes were falling off.

        Food is less tasty, but a lot of gluten-free stuff is decent now, and there are pretty good vegan cheeses too. My health is much improved.

        1. Kt*

          And for me, cutting out grain products solved my indigestion and made me look skinnier (less abdominal bloating) without changing my weight! I’ve found that most GF breads etc don’t agree with me, either — I seem to be sensitive to the starch load.

          Thanks for asking this question — I’m reading with interest!

    14. Steak salad*

      I did well with an online program called naturally slim. It was free for me through my husband’s employer, so I’m not sure what the pricing was, but I lost way more than I expected and it didn’t feel like I was having to sacrifice

    15. Former prof*

      Several years ago I lost 60 lbs. I’ve gained about 20 back due to injuries, but am pretty stable at this weight. I did a medically supervised ultra low calorie keto diet. OK, that was a lot of adjectives. Basically 7 months of keto shakes, going to the doctor weekly. I did it for medical reasons, but it was a great choice for me. Keto eliminates hunger completely. Being off sugar that long cuts off all the snack cravings. I had seven months to get rid of my bad eating habits. That was a few years ago. Now if I start gaining weight, I go keto again for a few weeks to reset the habits, but then go back to a high protein, moderate carb diet that I don’t think about too hard. Keeping my protein intake up to keep hunger and cravings down, tracking everything on My Fitness Pal, walking my 10,000 steps when I am not injured (I have a syndrome that causes a lot of injuries), exercise sessions 3x per week all works for me. Also, I bought small plates, tiny bowls and little spoons (seriously) and I only eat out of those. I started all this at age 60. My husband lost 100 pounds over the same time period, by going from walking to jogging to running. He’s out doing 12 miles right now. His way worked for him, mine works for me. I wish you all the best in finding yours.

    16. Joie De Vivre*

      Just starting to lose weight – about 5-10 pounds in the last 2 months, and so far it has been amazingly easy. (Yes, I have gone through menopause).

      My tips:

      * Portion Control – here at home, I’ve been weighing or measuring a lot of my food just to retrain myself on what a portion size is. Nuts are one of my big downfalls – 28 grams is a serving. My normal serving was probably close to 3 times that amount. Meat should be about the size of a deck of cards, or the size of your palm. I don’t portion control fresh fruits & veggies. I eat as much as I want of those.

      * Weighing myself – this may not work for others, but I weigh myself everyday & track it in my Garmin connect account. I don’t pay attention to the actual weight, I look for the trend. My weight fluctuates by 2-3 (or more) pounds every week- depending on when I weighed, if I’ve run (and how far), how much I sweated, how much fluid I’ve drank, if I’ve eaten, etc. For me it is motivating to see that over the last few months, my weight is trending downward.

      * I have my personal food kryptonite – don’t buy it, because I can’t stay out of it.

      * Retraining myself to recognize hunger pains – I’ve increased water & unsweetened tea intake. If I’m still hungry between meals, I eat fresh fruit. And as bizarre as this sounds, I think it helps that I have a hobby that keeps my hands busy & my brain engaged. I do genealogy & have noticed that I get so involved in my research that I don’t notice time passing & I don’t get hungry.

      Good luck!

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Thanks! I like your tips and I am going to try them, I think they will be helpful :-)

    17. Oxford Comma*

      –it gets harder to lose as you start going into menopause, but it’s not impossible.

      –I have used My Fitness Pal to track food intake. It can be a pain. Finding the correct entries for items you are consuming or putting into recipes is not easy. There are a lot of entries written by people who don’t know what they’re doing for instance.

      –If I go off plan, I just try to get right back onto the wagon the next day.

      –I use smaller plates. I measure. If you don’t have a food scale, I recommend getting one. Look for one that has a tare feature and one that can do grams, kgs, ounces, pounds if you’re in the US.

      –I don’t tell anyone till it becomes really noticeable. Have had too much sabotage from people around me.

      Hope this helps!

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Thanks, I am wanting to keep it quiet too. People are weird about food and weight, aren’t they?

    18. Sunset Maple*

      45 years old, lost 50 pounds and kept it off for over a year now. I did it all with diet–I’m sedentary AF and skinny fat right now, which needs to change, but I’m just proud to have maintained given the current state of the world. I’d like to lose another 10, when life calms down.

      Major changes: quit most dairy, quit added sugar, quit alcohol.

      I don’t count calories, but I did keep a food journal to watch for reactions. This helped me realize that dairy was partially responsible for my stomach bloating and my chronic deep, painful acne. The other acne culprit was biotin, which is apparently a common issue that few people seem to know about. I switched to almond milk and dumped my hair/skin/nails vitamins, and my skin has drastically improved since (the irony…). Quitting dairy also gave me the flat stomach I was aiming for. I still eat hard cheeses, but no milk/ice cream/yogurt/etc.

      Quitting added sugar and caloric drinks has been slightly expensive, because I know my limitations and there’s no way I have the asceticism necessary to live on plain water. I drink Hint fruit waters and Bubly flavored seltzers. Cracking open a can feels like a treat, despite it having 0 calories.

      Another thing I changed was to do intermittent fasting, though this was intended to help with my severe reflux and only ended up helping with weight loss as a side effect. I do 16:8 and my bile is firmly under control now. I also find it easier to manage my diet because I let time be the guardian–sorry honey, I can’t join your midnight pizza binge, it’s outside my eating window.

      Something people don’t often talk about: quitting sugar makes you feel like you’re losing your GD mind. You have to wean off very slowly, like over weeks or months, or you will wonder if you’re developing dementia. I dropped it cold-turkey the first time, and I couldn’t think of common words or remember where I was going after I got in the car and left my driveway. I went back and started over, and reduced sugar so slowly that my taste buds were able to catch up. SO much better.

      1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Congrats on your weight loss and thanks for the tips! I think I can relate to the sugar withdrawal, as I have tried going cold turkey before – it’s addictive to me!

    19. Choggy*

      Nothing to add except I’m in the same boat and will be reading the posts with interest. My Fitness Pal seems to be a common denominator, will have to check it out.

    20. RagingADHD*

      I have successfully used SparkPeople for tracking in the past. It’s very easy to create custom groups, meals, and recipes. So if you eat the same meals frequently, you can make them into a 1-click add. Same with favorite foods, recent foods, and favorite exercises.

    21. Mademoiselle Sugar Lump*

      I joined Weight Watchers maybe 15 years ago, lost more than 30 pounds and have kept it off. What I learned:
      Track calories for everything. Then I did it on paper.
      Portion size is important – measure till you get a feel for it. Most restaurant portions are 2 meal sized
      Don’t keep snack foods or whatever you have trouble with in the house. Or divide into portions – currently I’m eating all meals at home and have vegetable chips with lunch, but I divide the bag into zipped bags because if I just eat out of the big bag, I won’t stop eating.
      Try to savor each bite and notice when something like dessert stops being thrilling after a few bites (I have trouble with this)
      Plan meals, that way you don’t have to decide if you’re hungry or bored, just whether it’s time to eat. You’ve already decided what you’re going to eat. I never felt hungry after cutting back on portion sizes, actually. People talk about dieting as “starving yourself” but if you’re eating reasonably, you’re not.
      My husband didn’t join WW but counted calories too, so I didn’t have problems with him eating things that I craved in front of me. I was lucky, I know.
      People complimented me and I just said thank you.
      For me at least, I had to become really obsessed with this. I apparently can’t eat like a normal person. I work in an industry & for a company with free food (at least before the COVID). I have to avoid the buffet line and make my lunch of pre portioned things like cottage cheese, fruit, small portions of chips.
      I continue to track all my food with the Lose It! app.
      Good luck.

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        “People talk about dieting as “starving yourself””

        If you’d like to understand why you might see people saying that, it’s because bad weight loss advice often consists of undereating, which creates flashy results in the short term but then the body goes into starvation mode, the weight loss tails off and then when the person finally snaps and starts eating until they’re full again, they put all the weight back on and maybe more.

        As long as you find GOOD portion control advice, you don’t need to worry about this.

      2. higheredrefugee*

        -I echo many of the strategies above, but also developing habits that will help you stay on track. Lots of good studies on the National Weight Loss Registry site, it is my goal to maintain my weight loss sufficiently to join some day!
        -Find ways to think about it as a lifestyle change and ways to reward yourself that encourage continuing to make good choices. I live in a part of the US that is not particularly well known for hiking, but I have found ways to do so because I can go alone to recharge but also head out with family and friends. For you, it might be walking the mall with an audiobook or going dancing with friends or taking a new workout class or a cooking class to inspire your cooking, or whatever!
        -Find a way to keep yourself accountable without beating yourself up, and you’ll figure out what your healthy range is, don’t sweat some muscle loss here or weight gain there, there’s grace in the range, if you allow it. It might even inspire you to find a new way to spice up your cooking or exercise routine. I do so by a quick trip to the Asian market or Penzeys for flavor changes within my own dietary restrictions.
        -Decide who you are and are not willing to talk about any of this with and be ready to shut it down with everyone else (I like the lines, Oh, weight loss is such a boring topic, I don’t discuss my body at work, that’s none of your business, and sometimes, just walking away).
        -I initially lost 70 pounds, and gained about 25 back with winter and COVID. Also, finally have a perimenopause solution that is helping me, which helped me turn the corner yet again. It only took 7 years, but the last 90 days have been wonderful and reminded me that I MUST be my own medical advocate.
        -Good luck!

        1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

          So true about being one’s own medical advocate! I can definitely relate. Congratulations on your weight loss.

      3. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

        Thanks very much and congrats! I like your tips and I will use some of them :-)

    22. Trixie*

      Speaking as a chronic snacker, I tend to do better when I have protein each meal. I aim for more veggie and greens plus healthy fats which I feel better balance out my hormones.

      Less sugar is best and it’s in everything so it’s adjustment but then foods begin to taste real again. I can’t stand most commercial yogurts but low-sugar brands like Siggi or plain with berries and almond butter.

      1. higheredrefugee*

        This is also why water consumption is important. I used to be perpetually dehydrated, not hungry! Quality, high protein, even with more calories, has been a huge help.

    23. Dancing Otter*

      Agreeing with those who recommend MyFitnessPal. Create your own custom foods if you can’t find the exact brand, and even then review against the package; formulations change.

      Take a really good multivitamin/mineral supplement. Dieting doesn’t have to mean malnutrition, but you’ll have one less thing to worry about.

      Divide up the food you cook, with measuring cups or kitchen scale, *before* putting any on your plate. Put the extra away for another meal immediately, or portion creep will get you. Also, I use a meat grinder (or a food processor) to grind up leftover cooked meat/chicken to add into future dishes. There’s less urge to finish it off and not waste it, when I know it will NOT go to waste.

      Contrary to other advice here, I don’t trust my perception of hunger. Keeping to regular meal times, including a planned evening snack, works better for me. If I wait until I’m really hungry, I grab something easy, not something healthy that takes time and effort.

      I like having a graph to look at, either the increasing amount lost or the decreasing amount weighed.

        1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

          I need to remark that MFP may not be suitable for those with a history of eating disorders.

          1. higheredrefugee*

            I understand why you might think that, but I find it the best tool for adjusting at the macro level based on your dietary plan. While MFP has default settings, the system doesn’t hassle you AT ALL for changing your percentages, etc. Definitely discuss with your dietician.

    24. BJP*

      Read The Obesity Code by Jason Fung. Life changing. And really clears up the idea that all calories are the same. Our bodies aren’t combustion engines! We are waaaaay more complicated than that, and a calorie from fat causes a different hormonal response than a calorie from carbs. Good luck!

    25. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

      Thank you so much for all your lovely comments! You’re great, I will be taking lots of them on board :)

      1. tiasp*

        Thank you for your question – it’s so helpful for me too, and the responses are also so hopeful on what I usually consider to be a hopeless subject.

        1. Older Long-Term Weight Loss?*

          Yes I agree, it has been really positive and I am much more hopeful about the challenges of losing weight from now on in. I’m glad you found it helpful too!

    26. Sleepy*

      My husband and I (mid-30s) both lost 10-20 pounds and kept it off by:
      – reducing our alcohol consumption (used to be 1-2 drinks per night, now 1-2 per week)
      – purchasing groceries once per week–we get everything we need for the whole week’s meals, and that reduces the temptation to eat out. We also get only one sweet item (usually a chocolate bar) per week and when it’s gone, it’s gone, so we’re not eating dessert every night.
      – practicing intermittent fasting–eating only between noon and 8pm. This sucked at first but I got used to it after about two weeks.
      – calorie tracking at first using LoseIt, to get a sense of how much we were eating. We stopped tracking after about 3 months because we felt we had a sense of portions by then. For me, I don’t like feeling hungry so I set goals to lose weight very slowly.

      For us it was about finding steps that are sustainable, hence still allowing ourselves some alcohol and some sweets.

    27. Anonfood*

      Stop eating when you are full and don’t snack after dinner. Best thing I have done. You need to think about the discomfort of overeating and desire avoiding that feeling.

    28. Ginger ale for all*

      I have lost 25 pounds since December. I cut back on fast food and starchy foods. I now take soups and salads to work for lunch and drink V-8 juice instead of a soda as an afternoon work pick me up. I fall off the wagon a lot but I try not to let it get to me and I just go on to the next day after a wobble. I know that I graze at night so I keep healthy grazing foods around. I also try to keep sugar free jello in stock. I love chips and dip so I get baked chips and make French onion dip with dry French onion soup mix and Greek yogurt. It’s still pretty rich but it makes a good treat.

    29. Victoria*

      I have been having excellent results so far with Renaissance Periodization. I read their book, The Renaissance Diet, and have been using their app for about eight months now.

      They’re mostly geared at serious athletes/bodybuilders but their program will work without hardcore exercise (I am…….not even slightly hardcore, though I do exercise almost every day.) It basically prompts you to eat certain macros at certain times based on your weight loss/maintenance/gain goals; the evidence base they’re working from seems solid; and like I said, I’m pleased with the results.

  2. AlexandrinaVictoria*

    Has anyone ever cracked the code of how to get over limerence quickly? I am not able to see the object of my (over-done) affection, and with a lot of extra time on my hands, I’m just obsessing and obsessing. I’d love to know how not to fall into this trap again, too.

    1. Anónima*

      I don’t know that I’ve cracked the code but what’s helped for me in varies degrees, at various times, in combination or in isolation, are:
      • counselling
      • investing in my friendships and hobbies
      • getting out and doing something (i.e. not just thinking)
      • mindfulness meditation
      • acknowledging why we wouldn’t have been good together
      • talking about them to one trusted friend, with a set time limit, and then moving on. Taking about them keeps them fresh in your mind. It’s useful to have another perspective, but it’s better to not dwell.

    2. Formerly Ella Vader*

      If it’s appropriate, I might do a geek-flirt. Geek flirting is like the opposite of flirting – no plausible deniability at all, just a direct statement of “I’m attracted to you, and if you were interested in (a), (b), or (c), I’d be up for that. And if not, that’s cool, I’ll never talk about this again.” The person might actually say yes! But if the person says no, the straightforwardness will probably stop the fantasy. In my experience getting a no has about a 50% chance of carrying on to have a better friendship with no lingering awkwardness and 50% messed up the friendship, but it has always turned off or dimmed the distracting daydream. And I figure it goes without saying, but if I don’t say it the commentariat will: don’t do this if you are co-workers or if there is any power imbalance at all.

      An alternative approach is the poor old lady who swallowed the fly routine. That is, find someone else to fixate on. It’s not ideal, because like the poor old lady who swallowed the fly, the subsequent crush could be stronger. But I’ve had success distracting myself from an inappropriate crush by feeding a new one. Possibly a celebrity I don’t run any risk of meeting.

      Also, being self-disciplined about not feeding the crush you don’t want. Not looking at the person’s picture. Not clicking through everything on the person’s facebook. Not playing and replaying the music, movies, stories that remind you of the person. Keeping busy. Not bringing the person’s name into conversations with other people at the least excuse, the ‘Bob-likes-peas” thing. Choosing to put time in to some activities and hobbies that the other person doesn’t share and has no interest in, rather than, oh, spending the whole time you’re jogging thinking about how you could mention to the other person that you went jogging and wondering if you will run into the person out on their run and how cool that would be and isn’t it a good thing that you’re wearing your best leggings.

      Tell a friend you trust about the crush, and then tell your friend some of the bad things about the person. I’ve also sometimes found it helpful to kind of psychoanalyze myself and explain to myself why I fell so hard (they reminded me of my high school sweetheart, when I met them I didn’t know anyone in town yet and I was lonely, I was newly separated and hadn’t allowed myself to have a crush in ages, they looked up to me and that felt good, they smelled nice, I actually kind of had a crush on their cool progressive parents …) and then it feels less like some kind of perfect match.

      Yeah, no, I don’t have any experience with this at all.

    3. DeepDarkBlue*

      AlexandrinaVictoria: fellow-limerence-suffere here. Things that are beginning to help me:
      1. Use a slightly different name (initial instead of full name or title + surname, etc.) when you think of the person, because names are powerful and changing how you say it can break the spell a bit, IME.
      2. Recognize when you’ve been focused on something other than the person (like an interesting conversation with another friend, good book, fun tv, engrossing task, etc.). I tell myself, “ Hey- I forgot about (person) for 2 minutes! Eventually, I’ll do it again, then for 4 minutes, then for 8 minutes, etc.” Knowing that I can be fully present in my immediate world helps me feel more in control.
      3. Ask yourself how often your limerent relationship with the person brings you satisfaction? How often does it bring you pain? Reflect on the ratio of highs and lows instead of careening between extremes.

      Good luck weaning yourself off. Some of us are just prone to it, I suppose. I’ll be watching this thread for ideas!

      1. DeepDarkBlue*

        Also!
        -Get outside
        -Spend 5 minutes per task on 5 different tasks
        -Each day, write 3 good things you did/observed/experienced that day
        -Look into controlling your breathing. Terri Gross recently interviewed the author of Breathe (I think that’s the title) and it was cool.

    5. Crushing Juniper*

      Writing helped me. I actually ended up writing a little short story/beginning to a novel-never-to-be-published about a woman with a similar problem than mine and her processing the crush and being obsessive and how aloof her crush was.

      I distinctly remember writing about her reading about psychology of love obsessively and then writing that even if she could enter her crush’s brain, see every piece that locks together in there, see every connection, emotion, desire, she still could not make him care for her more than he did, which was not much at all.

      Coming to the conclusion via writing simultaneously made my heart break a little and made me melancholy but also in awe of the realization. It really helped me get over the crush. Obviously everybody has their own method of processing, for me writing always helps.

    6. Anonosaurus*

      What I’ve found helpful with the latest one is to try to practice acceptance. As in, yes, I am attracted, there isn’t really anything I can do about that because chemistry just is, and he’s lovely, nothing weird about acknowledging that. BUT having acknowledged it, I also need to move on and do something else. It doesn’t matter what. For me, there’s something helpful in not trying to force myself to not have “those” thoughts (which just gives them more energy not less) but to accept that I do while trying not to give them any more or any less attention than that.

      I have also spent quite a lot of time analysing this crush and I think I understand why it exists (that is, what psychological benefit it brings beyond him being super cute, because I do think there’s usually more going on). For me this crush is alerting me to the need to pay attention to something else in my life so I try to remind myself of this and also try to do something constructive about that need. And also just grieve for the fact that some of it will never be met (I don’t have a time machine and so can’t go back to being 25 and doing it all again!)

      Good luck :)

      1. DeepDarkBlue*

        Anonosaurus, how do you analyze the crush to understand why it exists? What kinds of questions are good for reflection?

        1. Anonosaurus*

          That’s a good question. I’m not sure how to answer. I have a therapist, so it’s not like I have to figure it all out myself. I guess I have found that when I have a crush, it usually means that I see something in the person that’s missing from my life or my personality, so the crush is telling me I need to address this. For example, current crush is very direct (in an appropriate way) about his emotions. I know how he feels about things and who he is. I am more likely to hide my emotions or even deny them for the sake of being a people pleaser. I don’t like this about myself, I want to be more authentic. So I figure that his role in my life isn’t to be a romantic partner (this isn’t possible) but like the universe is saying “hey you still gotta work on this bit”.

          Maybe I’m overthinking, but to me this makes sense of why Cute Guy #1 is fun to flirt with but NBD while Cute Guy #2 gets under my skin.

    7. Mystery Bookworm*

      The only method I know for getting over quickly is distraction, unfortunately, which is tricker during an outbreak.

      As someone who falls into this trap on occasion, I’ve found that therapy, writing and mindfulness practice are helpful for the long-term.

      I’m also prone to this, so it’s kind of nice to see other people writing about it as well!

    8. Miki*

      If all else fails, I like to feed the feeling with something other than the person I’m obsessing over.

      Books with failed/damaging love affairs are a favorite for this – Ford Madox Ford’s The Good Soldier, F Scott Fitzgerald’s Tender is the Night, more low-key explorations on the theme in a number of Alice Munro’s stories. If I had to pick one story as the greatest curative though, it would be Tessa Hadley’s Married Love, which is published online at the New Yorker.

      Otherwise, the Spike and Angel seasons of Buffy, if that’s more your speed. If you play music (or just listen), there are plenty of deranged love songs and torch songs to feed that hunger too. I think I prefer something more narrative though (books/tv/movies) to get catharsis for that pent up feeling, but over a bunch of fictional characters whose story ends, so that the feeling is released but also contained in a way.

    9. Catherine*

      I lean into my calculating side for this.

      What do I know about that person’s preferences, desires, motivations?

      Ok. What do the answers to that question tell me about what I would have to do and how I would have to change to draw them in, to make that specific person want me?

      If I actually make myself plan the campaign, I conclude that it would be too costly (time, effort, mental energy, etc) to actually carry any of it out. Understanding that I don’t want to change myself to the degree necessary to win the person over usually smothers my feelings.

    10. Batgirl*

      Get Over It:
      1) Keep busy, make fun plans or projects or find some absorbing reading or something to learn so time doesn’t hang heavy on you.
      2) Block all indirect as well as direct contact. Don’t look them up, don’t keep sentimental objects or items nearby. Don’t indulge shared passions, like music for example. Try some new things. I found a complete break from social media was necessary to become fully disengaged.
      3) Snap an elastic band on your wrist if you catch yourself mooning. Or, you have to get up and tackle Dreaded Task each time you do.
      4) Sometimes the ruminating has to be done but do it in a controlled way. Make sure you aren’t comfortable, possibly standing up. Limit the time. Write down your conclusion of why it’s a no go. Take out the note next time you ruminate.
      Prevention:
      Figure out which of the following has the greatest effect on you from 1 to 10.
      – Effortlessly entertaining conversation
      – Thoughtful gestures
      – Being physically attractive
      – ﹰBeing open and sharing feelings
      – Shared interests and recreation
      – Immediate chemistry
      – Shared values
      – Shared lifestyle goals
      – Generosity with time and money
      – Someone admiring and ‘seeing’ you.

      For me, I used to be able to foresee, and avoid crushing on the highly physically attractive, chemistry-laden ones but those attributes are not even my greatest weakness. I was always getting into deeply intimate conversations with people of moderate attractiveness and falling prey to their openness and admiration. I’ve learned to avoid doing that and to keep things light, because it’s like accepting downpayments on my heart.

      1. Miki*

        This comment, especially the phrase “downpayments on my heart,” made me think of one other thing: think about the things you do for the object of your affection, and cut back.

        Unless this is a very close, long-term friend (aka not someone you’ve fallen into intimate friendship with very quickly), someone else can help them move. Someone else can be a sounding board for all their problems. Etc, etc. Don’t lend out your favorite books to them, or sacrifice your own sleep to stay up late talking to them, or linger at work/the end of the party/whatever for a chance to steal a few more minutes with them. Doing these kinds of things only makes your feelings stronger. Evaluate the emotional energy you are putting into them and limit whatever actions you can.

    11. DeepDarkBlue*

      Not the OP but thank you to everyone for your ideas and solidarity. These ideas are life preservers.

  3. Kate*

    I have a week of work this week — half of it with my 5 YO and half without (she has day camp).

    Best staycation tips? How do I make this feel like a genuine break for both of us?

    2. Anónima*

      I love staycations! It’s slightly more difficult with lockdown in place because I can’t go swimming or visit the library or the museum, but you could see what things are online that are available culture-wise.
      I subscribe to my local council’s newsletter so I can find out what’s on where, and I also read their Twitter feed regularly, so that might be a source of info for you to.
      I like to read, chill out, catch up on sleep too.
      You could spend some time doing hobbies, and going out for walks!
      Enjoy.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      One thing I do for staycations is clean the house well at the beginning. Tidy, scrub the kitchen and bathroom, wash the bed linens, dust, vacuum, clean out the fridge a bit. Then I start the vacation with a clean house, which I find relaxing.

      I like to save a book I’ve been waiting to read, or a TV series, for when I get a break and can thoroughly enjoy it. You can also vary your diet a bit. I’ll make a fancy brunch, or have a tapas style dinner.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I agree with this. In general I’m someone who struggles to relax at home if I feel I haven’t “earned it” so I often set a timer for an hour of productivity in the morning, and once that time is up, it’s time to relax.

        It can also be fun to make a “bucket list” with your kid and cross it off. It can be little things like making ice cream sundaes (bonus if you bake brownies for it), going for walks, learning to hula hoop, maybe a movie or book marathon. If I don’t have a list I feel like sometimes the week ends before I do anything.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I third getting the chores you’re meaning to get to out of the way at the start.

        I like the idea of varying food–get takeout, have chocolate chip pancakes for dinner. With your daughter, something you don’t have time for normally, like a bike ride and picnic. I remember my nephew’s response when asked about his favorite part of an elaborate family trip where they did a lot of cool stuff: he liked riding his bike with his dad.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      I saw advice to copy cruise scheduling: plan for days at sea (reading a book, going for a walk, playing games) and days that are shore excursions (harder now but drive to a place/past a place with great scenery, maybe try virtual museum tours).

      And plan for days you dress up for formal dinners (with fancy takeout).

      And plan a learning day – study a place – history, tourist spots, language, cuisine, etc. Learn to cook something from that place.

    5. Colette*

      Picnics (in the park, back yard, or living room)
      Make a fort (maybe sleep in it)
      Give yourself a pedicure
      Do something you don’t have time for usually – take a bubble bath, read a book, run through the sprinkler
      Take a nap

    6. Alex*

      Things with your 5yo:
      Buy or build a kite and fly it in a field somewhere, not near people (or trees!)
      Do a baking project. Bake a cake and celebrate something silly, or bake cookies to bring to friends and leave on their doorsteps.
      Throw a “Halloween in June/July” party on Zoom–ask a couple of friends to participate, and you all can make a costume and share it with each other on Zoom.

      Yourself:
      Do a chore that’s been nagging at you–clean your closet or wash the kitchen drawers or something. It feels good to accomplish something even on vacation! Play fun music while you do it–music with curse words, if that’s your thing (since your 5yo is at camp)!
      Arrange a really comfy spot someplace–inside or out–and pick out a totally enjoyable book. Maybe even at a park, with a picnic.
      Go for a solo hike or bike ride.

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      When I do them I deep clean the week before so that it’s not tempting me during my ‘staycay’.

      I also make a plan NOT to do my usual at-home things, whether it is read the news, watch TV shows, eat the same breakfast, whatever. I also plan a list of fun things to do, whether it is a sewing project, a book I have been waiting to read, etc.

      But most importantly, I ‘play hotel’: beforehand I grocery shop for favorite frozen meals, good booze and fun treat foods and stash them for “room service”. Sometimes I even draw up a menu in Word and put it on a little easel I keep on my breakfast bar. I buy chocolates to put on my pillows (once I even did turndown service, LOL!), and do another little “Welcome to Casa (My last name)” sign that I can see on the Friday night when I come in the door and it is officially vacation time. You can really play with it – check in and check out times, room service, activities roster….and I bet your child would get a kick out of it.

      I hope you have a fun week!!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          It’s not stealing! Happy to share! Just remember to book ‘late checkout’. :)

          1. Nervous Nellie*

            Oh, and you can have fun with ‘valet parking’ too. It used to drive my ex-husband crazy that on ‘staycay eve’, I would come in and hand him the keys to park the car & deliver my ‘luggage’ (laptop bag) to ‘my room’, choosing instead to fish around in the ‘minibar’ stocked with chocolates and the baby booze bottles from the supermarket. :)

    8. I'm just here for the cats!*

      Find new things you can do outside, like bike trails, parks you haven’t gone to before.
      Maybe find some arts and crafts stuff you could do together.
      Or of it’s bad weather or something create a giant pillow fort, make popcorn and watch some movies.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Do you have a safe yard and a tent? Backyard campouts are on my wish list for this summer.

  4. Bethany*

    I was curious if anyone in the AAM community are involved and/or interact in the booktube community? It’s been my quarantine project and it’s been fun, but stressful at times. It’s also given me a sense of control in an out of control world right now.

    2. riverflows*

      I’m curious too! I’ve only “interacted” as a consumer. I am watching booktubers who make videos about SF&F book reviews. What has made it stressful for you?

      1. Bethany*

        Stressful to get everything edited and posted on the schedule I set for myself. Also there’s been a lot of booktube drama lately, which has been draining and challenging. Even for me on the fringes of it all. But it’s mostly given me a creative, productive outlet for myself, so I enjoy it mostly.

    3. laughingrachel*

      I discovered booktube at the beginning of the quarantine and got suuuuper into it. I literally JUST set up a channel for myself last night! That’s really interesting what you said about control, I can see how it would give you that. I’ve noticed during the quarantine when I’m only on Zoom meetings, that I am almost 100% in control of how people see me physically at the moment and I have found that really nice! I can see how a YouTube channel would be the same way! You are in control of the filming, editing, posting, ect.

      I don’t know if you can with the commenting rules, but if you felt comfortable sharing your channel, I would love to check it out!

      1. Bethany*

        I’m glad I’m not the only one that’s gotten into it during quarantine! Yes, I agree about control! I think it also just gives me something productive. Although I’m still working, I’m limited in my work due to the current economy. So it also helps me feel productive.

        I don’t know if it will work, but my channel is: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2DttIZOjORHCZE-Y3U6xhw

  5. WFH2020*

    Thank you for movie and series suggestions a couple weeks ago. I found the following very interesting :

    Mrs. America

    One Mississippi

    Space Force

    Hidden Figures

    I’m now working on watching “Dollface” and “Last Man on Earth”

    1. Anónima*

      Do you like to watch one series at a time, or can you combine them?
      I have to watch one series in its entirety before moving on to the next one!
      I just devoured The Alienist this week. I’m behind the times I know, but I’m glad because I really liked it and the second series is on in a few weeks so I don’t have to wait for long!

      1. WFH2020*

        Funny you should ask! Most of the time I watch one series at a time.

        I watched Mrs America and Space Force over the same period of time and ended up having some very weird dreams. This was also during the height of the protests in my city so the dreams were full of strong powerful women who were a force to be reckoned with. And there was lot of strange/funny parts to the dreams.

        I had never heard of The Alienist. I’ll need to check that out.

        I went months watching every Scottish/British/Irish murder mystery series in a row. Devoured them all. I think it was a great way to escape reality for awhile.

        1. Aphrodite*

          Could you list those Scottish/British/Irish murder mystery series, WFH2020? Are any of them online like at Amazon or free on YouTube?

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I am a fan of Death in Paradise. A series of fish-out-of-water British detective inspectors are posted to the fictional island of St. Marie in the Caribbean. Various people are murdered in a place with excellent weather.

          2. WFH2020*

            For starters:

            On Netflix: Broadchurch
            The Stranger
            If I Hadn’t Met You
            On Amazon: The Fall
            Tin Star (Canadian)
            Hunters (US)

            1. Anónima*

              Have you watched Line of Duty on Netflix? If not, and you liked Broadchurch, I think you will like this!
              I’d also recommend Giri/Haji and Shetland (they were on BBC iplayer may be in Netflix now in the US). Very different, but equally good.

          1. Pharmgirl*

            I too would love some recs for Scottish/British/Irish murder mysteries. I recently got Acorntv and love it but need some suggestions on shows to check out!

            2. Lady Alys*

              If you haven’t watched “Foyle’s War,” I HIGHLY recommend it – set during WWII, acting is wonderful. Set in Hastings as WWII is starting, Foyle is a detective superintendent navigating some of the moral ambiguity caused by the war. The show actually lasted 8? years, so by the end the war is done and he is working for the gov’t in London, but the moral ambiguity hasn’t gone away that’s for sure!

              I can’t say these count as murder mysteries, but a few things we have enjoyed on AcornTV recently are:
              *Kingdom (Stephen Fry playing a Norfolk solicitor with interesting family complications – ITV cancelled this, so be warned it ends on one hell of a cliffhanger, with NO RESOLUTION CURSE YOU ITV)
              *Delicious (Iain Glen and Dawn French lead the cast – family dysfunction at a boutique hotel in Cornwall – scenery is stunning, show is funny and moving…and hard to describe without giving away big plot points…)

              We just started “Inspector George Gently,” because I like Martin Shaw. Set in the north of England in the mid-sixties – so far so good, three episodes in.

              1. allathian*

                Inspector George Gently is great. I hope you enjoy the rest of it.
                I’m enjoying Endeavour, about young Constable/Sergeant Morse. Set in the 60s and 70s it’s a wonderful look at that period. The cityscapes always make me want to visit Oxford, although the congestion is considerably worse now! The show has very good production values and each episode is 90 minutes. My main gripe is that you get three to six episodes and then there’s a year’s wait for the next season…

                1. Batgirl*

                  My mother loves Endeavor because she’s constantly seeing forgotten items she owned in the sixties or seventies, or forgotten habits like saying “Im coming” to a ringing telephone without answer machine. The story is just great though.

              1. Batgirl*

                Vera is such a great character. What a response to the convention of glamorous female detectives in high heels with tonged hair!!

            4. WFH2020*

              On Netflix:
              Broadchurch
              The Stranger
              If I Hadn’t Met You

              On Amazon:
              The Fall
              Tin Star (Canadian)
              Hunters (US)

          2. WFH2020*

            On Netflix:
            Broadchurch
            The Stranger
            If I Hadn’t Met You
            On Amazon:
            The Fall
            Tin Star (Canadian)
            Hunters (US)

    2. Remote HealthWorker*

      For last man on earth skip to season 2 once you know all the characters. It’s a lot funnier.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      I loved Space Force! My husband and I never like the same shows, but he actually sat and watched Space Force with me and found it to be very funny. I’d pay to watch Steve Carell read the phone book at this point.

    4. Jennifer Juniper*

      We’re big Snowpiercer fans right now. Dystopian sci-fi about people in perpetual lockdown on a train – I love it! It helps remind me that going outside to do errands a couple times a week is a privilege.

      1. allathian*

        Have you seen the movie as well? It was good, but it also made me realize that I don’t want to see this sort of dystopia more than once…

  6. Might Be Spam*

    I just found out my landlord is selling my apartment building and the realtor is bringing at least 4 sets of visitors today. What do I need to do? Can I require them to wear masks and not touch anything? What should I say or not say if they talk to me? Do I talk about problems with the building or neighbors?

    I don’t want to leave while they are here because I have nowhere to go, I don’t know what time they are going to be here, and I won’t know what will get touched and what I will have to disinfect when they leave.

    Also my lease expired and I’ve been renting month-to-month. I asked my landlord for a new lease agreement. He said he would work on it this weekend.

    There’s a lot of interest in the building and I think it will sell quickly.
    This is a total surprise that came out of nowhere. Any word’s of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

    1. I Go OnAnonAnonAnon*

      Check your lease for notification requirements; even as a month-to-month renter, you should aha some protections. Most locales require 24-hour notice for the landlord to bring anyone through, and your local department of health will have info on what is currently required in your particular location as far as real estate showings goes.

      2. Uhtceare*

        If you don’t have paper for a month-to-month, google ‘month-to-month tenancy in [state/jurisdiction]’ and check. If there is a 24-hour requirement, you can push back. You can also maybe push back anyway, depending on the size of your building / your relationship with your landlord, explaining that you don’t feel comfortable with the short notice and/or you’d rather have time to clean.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      “Can I require them to wear masks and not touch anything? ” do it anyways. I’d call the realtor right now and tell him that you aren’t letting anyone in without them (follow up in email) and then, just plain don’t let them in if they don’t. If the landlord doesn’t like that, what’s he gonna do, sue?

        1. Uhtceare*

          This really depends on the jurisdiction… In Ontario, for instance, a month-to-month tenancy can only be ended by the landlord if the landlord or their family will be moving into the unit, and even then they have to give 60 days notice.

      2. I'm just here for the cats!*

        My upstairs neighbors moved and when the landlord brought people they wore masks. It shouldn’t be a huge deal imo. It’s no.diffrent than asking people to take off their shoes if it’s snowy/raining. I would ask the landlord to have them wear/bring masks. After all it’s still your home. Your the one living there and you should have a say in how to protect yourself.

        1. Jennifer Juniper*

          You may wish to have a supply of masks on hand in case people don’t have them. Then hand them to any maskless visitors at the door. Offer them a squirt of hand sanitizer as well.

    3. WellRed*

      They are going to open cupboards and closets and probably touch other things. It’s not reasonable to expect them not to but I doubt they’ll touch your actual “stuff.” Definitely ask them to wear masks. Call the realtor now.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        You’d be better off supplying them with gloves and asking them to wear them.

        1. Natalie*

          Eh, gloves get contaminated as easily as skin does, if they touch their face or cough on their gloved hands, the gloves are pointless.

          Focus on the air-sharing most of all – surfaces are very low risk unless you’re going to touch someone’s spit and then immediately touch your face. Everyone should be wearing a mask and staying physically apart. The shorter the time they spend, the better, and anything you can do to increase the ventilation in your unit can’t hurt.

    4. No Name Yet*

      The general ‘rule’ around here for showing houses is to make it easy for them not to touch anything – leave all closet/cupboard doors open, all lights on, etc. A realtor I know also has the policy that anything the viewers want to open/turn on, she will do – so it’s only one person touching things (and she wears gloves that she’s conscientious about). Good luck!

      1. Anonymosity*

        I like that policy. I was nervous about people handling things since I was still living in my house when it was up for sale. This was before the pandemic; I was more worried about accidents.

    5. Reba*

      I think it would be weird to talk much to the prospective buyers but do make sure you have the realtor’s contact–she could be a good conduit for information about what buyers are thinking wrt your tenancy.

      And can you open the windows and catch some breezes today?

    6. Uhtceare*

      Hope you see this in time for it to be useful at some point:

      I gave notice in April that I was moving, and my landlord immediately started bringing people through. That was the height of lockdown here. What we did:

      I was there the whole time. The landlord waited outside in the hall (I also had a very small studio apartment, so three people couldn’t social distance inside anyway). I wore a mask, and most of the people who came in did as well. (If doing the same today, I would have pushed for everyone to wear a mask–the guidance on masks was still a bit unclear then.) I opened the door to let people in and out. I stood ~ 6 ft from them and said, in essence, “it’s small, I’ve been here for years, look there’s a kitchen, it works, there’s a big closet, the neighbourhood is good, look at the balcony, you can step into the bathroom and look at it if you like”. No one touched anything, and no one was in the place for more than three minutes total. There were probably seven or eight visits in the space of a few weeks, and one of them took. But the precautions I took reflected that my city has never been a hotspot… if you’re in one, you might need to dial it up.

      Also, that was for renting the unit, not buying the building. I can maybe help with that too though, because that same building sold the year before, so pre-lockdown. Those showings were even shorter… basically they want to know if the unit looks livable. For those showings, the realtor knocked, I said hi, they all walked in, they took a couple of pictures, said variations on “you’re happy here?”, I said yes, they left. If there’s a lot of units, they may not spend a lot of time in yours.

      Regarding notice, as someone else said, 24 hours is usually required. But springing 4 on you on the same day with under 24 hrs notice, is a lot, so you might be able to push back.

    7. Oxford Comma*

      I have been around when they’ve shown my building, but it was pre-covid. I think people said hello and smiled and nodded and I stuck to one part of the room and stayed out of the way.

      Could you call whoever called you about this (landlord, realtor, property management co) and say something like, “Of course, I will be wearing a mask and please be sure to ask any prospective buyers to wear them as well.” You could probably come up with better phrasing, but I think you want it to seem like a given rather than a question.

      Touching items will be harder. They may want to look at cupboards or closets and to check water pressure. But again if they’re being shown by a realtor, could you see if it’s possible the realtor could ask them to wear disposable booties, wear gloves on entry?

    8. bunniferous*

      Speak to the realtor if you can. In our location (I am in the business) we have been given specific instructions on how to show houses safely during the pandemic. I do not work with buyers but even I am told they want me sanitizing doorknobs and such when I deal with the vacant houses I manage. In any case they should be just as aware as you are of covid-19 precautions.

    9. Might Be Spam*

      Thanks for the suggestions. I did talk to the realtor and everyone has to wear a mask. I stayed in the apartment and the realtor stayed in the hall and sent in groups of people (7 or 8 to a group). A couple of people touched things but I was watching as much as I could so I would know what needed to be sanitized. So maybe 50 people came through already and the realtor said that they were taking offers right away and would accept one by Monday.

      It hasn’t been horrible but I didn’t like that the groups were so large. When they ask me questions, I just keep to short answers. I don’t know if anyone will come back to ask me any questions. One couple stopped me in the alley yesterday to ask questions.

      Now my concerns are about what comes next. I hope my landlord remembers to get me the lease paperwork so I can have a lease before the sale. They want to close as soon as possible. This is my first apartment since selling my house where I lived for 36 years, so the uncertainty adds to my concerns. I’ve never been in an apartment during a change of ownership so I’m not sure what to expect.

      1. Observer*

        Please remind your landlord. He might “forget” or he might genuinely forget. Either way, you want to avoid that if possible.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          I texted a reminder and my landlord called back and told me he is fudging the date on my new lease but won’t give me any details over the phone and won’t show me the lease until Tuesday. I suspect that he told the realtor that everyone already has a lease.

          I don’t like the idea of being rushed into signing the lease anymore. Maybe the Universe is telling me to move now. The buyer’s inspector is going to find things that will need disruptive repairs.

          Some of which will mean I may lose access to my bedroom, garage and part of the basement for awhile. I will probably have to hire someone to move and store some of my furniture. I hoped I wasn’t going to still be here when he got around to fixing things. It’s liveable for now, but will probably have to be done to allow the sale.

          Would it be reasonable for me to ask for a two year lease to make up for the inconvenience and future risk? I don’t want to be unreasonable, and maybe I might be better off looking for a new place now, rather than wait a year and hope there’s a vaccine in the meantime, to make it safer to move. I really don’t see much chance of a meaningful improvement in a year.

          1. Can Can Cannot*

            Don’t count on your landlord to actually give you a lease. The new landlord might not want to be locked into the current tenants, unless you are paying above market rent. When I bought buildings, I wanted to be flexible in who I rented to and what I charged for rent. If a landlord signed a two year lease just before I was about to buy, that would be a big red flag.

  7. Anxious cat servant*

    Has anyone helped a cat get over a fear of hands? We’re fostering a mama cat and four kittens and the mom apparently has some trauma in her background. She’s sweet and will come to me asking for pets and loves them but flinches when she sees my hand. If I approach her from the front with my hand out she’s obviously frightened and, if I don’t listen and as a last resort, will bat my hand without claws. When she asks for pets she’ll look at my hand then look away, almost like she’s keeping herself from seeing my hand.

    She’s really a sweet girl but that sort of fear won’t help her chances of being adopted so I’d like to help her learn to trust hands.

    She’s also frightened of bare legs but I figure the hands are the more pressing issue.

    I started tonight using Temptation treats and moving my hand until she just started to show fear and once she settled I gave her the treat, talking to her all the while. I was able to get my hand about 9” away with her not freaking out so hopefully I didn’t add to her trauma.

    1. Christy*

      I have a rescue who flinched for a few years after getting her… she’s ok now! A lot of only petting her back, never her head, paying attention to cues, but when she wanted attention I would absolutely reward her with very careful movements.

    2. Scc@rlettNZ*

      Is there a particular food that she really loves? Try feeding her from your hands instead of from a bowl.

      Keep your hands really still and quiet and if you are patting her, don’t do it head on, touch her on her back and sides and slowly work your way around under her chin (most cats enjoy having their chins scratched).

      I’m in NZ so I’m unsure if the same pet foods are available but Fancy Feast Temptations is like crack cocaine to cats (it’s puree, in a tube). The rescue I’m involved with use it to help socialise cats and kittens that were born stray and who are unused to humans. It rarely fails to get the cats eating out of your hands and then time and lots of patience do the rest.

      Good luck and let us know how you get on.

      1. Shirley Keeldar*

        When my cats were too sick to want to eat, our vet recommended baby food that’s basically meat puree–they loved it! Would she lick a little bit of that off your finger, maybe?

      2. voluptuousfire*

        There’s a brand called Churu (you can get it on Amazon) that’s a pate treat in a tube, sort of like a kitty gogurt. I adopted a cat and the chicken flavor of Churu brought her around 100%. That’s definitely an option.

    3. Jaid*

      Maybe switch the position of your hand, like you’re cupping it? Or wear gloves? Best wishes.

      1. Merci Dee*

        That worked with a former cat if mine. If you reached to pet her with your hand out in a typical palm-down, reaching-for-her-head motion, she would flinch back and not want to be petted (I don’t think she was abused, but she came from a house with very small children, and maybe their parents didn’t do a great job of teaching about gentle touches with pets, etc.). But if I approached her with the back of my hand facing her, with my fingers lightly cupped in toward my palm so that the back of my hand was the first part that made contact with her, she would lean in for petting and then let me turn my hand over, paln down against her fur, once I’d made contact. It seemed to be the shape of a big extended hand that freaked her out, but she was much more responsive to touch when the silhouette approached her was altered into something else.

    4. Animal worker*

      You’re on the right track with the treats, but I suggest that you take it back a step. By moving the had until she starts to show fear then backing off and treating her, you’re building fear into the behavior. So she sees you coming with treats, wants them, and knows that she has to endure a level of fear to be able to get them. Try using the method where the goal is to build up her comfortability by never pushing past that fear line.

      Example of how to do this – establish a verbal cue like ‘treat’. Say treat and drop one in her bowl or on the floor well away from her but where she can see it, and walk away. Do this until she goes to and eats the treat quickly after you move away. Then, once she is taking the treat quickly without you being nearby, slowly stay closer and closer while she goes to and eats the treat – but again the goal is move slow enough so that she is showing comfort, not tentativeness and fear. That proximity will continue to be reduced until you can be hear her, and then once you’re established this very strong bond with the word treat, your presence, and the fact that you’re letting her set the pace and not pushing her fear line, you can start approximating your hand closer and closer to the treat until you can have her take it from your hand.

      The two really important parts of this approach are her being comfortable and not scared from the beginning, and taking it at her pace – letting her behavior guide how quickly you move forward. It doesn’t take long, it’s really about giving her power to control your behavior to build trust. And that kind of trust is worth taking the time to develop at her pace. Good luck!

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Time, patience, and repeated positive experiences. Pet from behind her so she feels the petting before sees the scary hand. If possible, allow her to observe other cats interacting with you that are not afraid – the example can be very helpful. And the treats are good too. Basically, you’re teaching her that hands can be associated with good things.

    6. I'm just here for the cats!*

      Check out Jackson Galaxy from animal planets my cat from hell. He has a lot of great tips and such. He’s got a YouTube channel.

    7. Can't Sit Still*

      I adopted a very hand shy cat 4 years ago. What worked for him was offering my hand while looking away and remaining quiet. I still can’t talk to him while petting him but he allows me to glance at him once in a while. He headbutts my hand and lets me pet his back and now, 4 years later, he allows me to pet his head. The only reason I persisted is that he loves to have his ears and head rubbed, but I still let him come to me for them. Since the shelter in place, he’s started cautiously twining around my ankles, which is very exciting!

      It’s important to remember with a feral that looking directly at and/or staring at a cat is extremely rude and threatening. Also, it’s mostly kittens that communicate by “talking,” while adult cats communicate with body language instead. So looking directly at cat while reaching for them and talking to them is extremely threatening behavior.

      Anyway, even though he is extremely fearful of just about everything still, my shy boy has started coming out for Zoom calls and livestreams, which is hilarious. He normally doesn’t wake up until 3 pm, but if I have a 6 am Zoom call, he’s there for it. WebExes and conference calls, he doesn’t care about. Cats are weird.

    8. Caterpie*

      The Flatbush Cats channel on YouTube has a video about this! I think it’s the spicy feral kitten one.

      That video features a kitten but maybe some of the information and steps could help you too!

  8. cushionblock*

    Has anyone else been mistreated in a will? How did you move past it? For me it wasn’t about the money, but the principle of the decision made. The decision in the will sent a message.

    How do other people feel about will decisions?

    1. Grim*

      My father left his estate to my nephew and left out my two brothers and myself. It would have been great to have some of the family heirlooms or a few pieces of my mother’s jewelry and to be able to give my family a leg up in life, but people can leave their estate to anyone they choose.

      It was hard seeing my mother’s jewelry on various relatives of my nephew’s wife during family gatherings and watching my nephew blow through several million dollars over a couple of years.

      It took some time to let go of my negative feelings about it, but by living well and working hard, I made my own nest egg for my family.

      The family is finally healed. Unfortunately, most don’t heal.

    2. Katefish*

      Not personally, but my childhood friend’s mom was grossly mistreated by the executor, and my grandparents divided their kids’ shares unevenly, so I’m here to commiserate.

    3. Insurance mom*

      Find a way to let it go for your own good. Unless someone exerted undue influence and there are legal remedies, you have no power to change anything. You probably weren’t completely surprised at the ‘message’ sent. I’m full of platitudes this morning, sorry, but the best revenge is a life well lived.

    4. J.B.*

      I’m sorry. Clearly that was hurtful. I would say don’t push yourself to get over it too hard. Spend some time grieving, and feel how you feel.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I don’t know if this counts but my father didn’t leave a will. It was understood that everything would be my moms and then it’d be split equally between my brother and myself after she passes.

      Well my mother was trying to have it so that I get 1/3 and my brother here 2/3. religious & cultural bs. My brother the atheist fought to have it split 50/50.

      Thing is that we need some of the money now but she refuses to do anything. Everyone we talk to says she should be doing that, it’s not fair to us. My father tried to give us some before he passed but she had a huge fight with him.

      Aside from angry and resentful I don’t know what else to feel. I’ll get over it eventually but it’ll be in the back of my mind. At least when i create my will I’ll make sure to do it differently.

      1. pancakes*

        When someone dies without a will (intestate) their property is distributed according to state law (intestacy laws). Whether there’s any sort of informal understanding that was in place during the persons lifetime will not be taken into consideration.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          This was in a foreign country. I think it was as long as all parties agree to it, we can have the arrangement that way (50/50) we want it rather than going to the courts. “Luckily my mom listened to my brother but sadly she had a lot of people at that time around her telling her it was wrong and to give me less.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Unless the spouse/partner/whoever is joint owner with right of survivorship – or whatever the local equivalent would be.

          Then there might not be anything in the estate to distribute, because the surviving partner simply becomes sole owner of the house, bank account, or whatever was jointly owned.

          If that’s the case, then there’s no question of how to divide “dad’s money,” because it’s mom’s money.

    6. Not A Manager*

      There was an article a while back about people who were written out of wills. I’ll see if I can post a link in a reply. It’s so difficult because, as you say, the money is a symbol of so many things and an unequal share is a statement about the person’s view of the relationship, at least in that snapshot of time when the will was written. And the fact that the person is now dead makes it like getting the last word. There’s literally no closure with that person.

      If you can, I think finding some professional support could be helpful. Just to give you a safe place to express your own feelings. If that’s not possible, it might help to try to zoom out a bit on the relationship. Yes, at that very moment the person wrote the will, they were sending a message. But that’s not the totality of the relationship or of your experiences with them. Do you have other memories or interactions that provide a more rounded picture? Can you trace a path in that person’s life where old age, or illness, or Fox News, made them less emotionally accessible than they used to be? There might be a way for you to honor the connection that you did share, while acknowledging that they were harsh and cruel in the writing of the will.

      I’m really sorry this happened. I can understand why it upsets you beyond any issue of money.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      The will writer was a vindictive person. They had a high need to get even for whatever reason.

      They are not the quality person I thought they were and that is the extent of my error here.
      OR
      I can go the opposite way and say, “This is no different than what I saw of this person during their life. They have remained consistently obnoxious even in death.”

      If the person is the parent, that makes it super tough, I think. It might be wise to bring in some professional help to work through because our parents can leave a life time of scars.

      A more general conclusion I have found is that the people who owe us much, are usually NOT the ones who pay us back. The universe does answer our pleas for fairness through random people. People who don’t owe us a moment of thought can turn out to be the biggest help in our lives. This process continues to amaze me. My best thought is to have a higher awareness of people’s kind gestures that you do actually receive. I make myself look around for positive actions from others.

    8. Remote HealthWorker*

      I am sorry you are going through that.

      As someone whose been on the other side, try not to take it out on the recipients. I think sometimes the will is purposefully trying to cause fights.

    9. Seal*

      My aunt, who never had children, told her nieces and nephews for years that she would divide her estate equally amongst the 8 of us when she died. One of my cousins, who is nasty and manipulative but tolerated my aunt because she could use her, was designated the executor. I stayed as far away from my aunt as possible once I became an adult because she had mentally and physically abused me as a child. All of the drama surrounding her will happened when I lived halfway across the country, so I was merely a long-distance observer.

      As she got older, my aunt had health issues and needed to move into assisted living. My brother and sister-in-law, who are in real estate, found her a place to move and put in a ton of time and labor getting her old house ready to sell. My cousins reluctantly went along with the plan and even helped with the estate sale, but were always questioning and pushing back on my aunt spending her own money on herself because they were concerned about their inheritance. While my sister-in-law waived her realtor fees to sell the house, my aunt agreed to pay my brother for the extensive repair work he did. The house sold the day after it went on the market, which shut my cousins up for a while. But there was some confusion about whether or not the money my aunt gave my brother was actually payment for his work and time or a loan to be paid back. My scheming cousin convinced my aunt (who was highly suggestible at the point) to sue my brother and somehow won. This further fractured the family.

      My aunt’s health continued to deteriorate. My cousin, who as executor was by then was controlling my aunt’s checkbook, refused to pay for even the most basic of things that would improve her quality of life. She and another cousin eventually stopped speaking over it. Other family members eventually overruled my cousin to a certain extent, but she still kept an iron fist on her checkbook.

      Then my aunt died and her will was read. Lo and behold, her estate – which was essentially the proceeds from the sale of the house my brother and sister-in-law helped sell – was evenly divided amongst all of the cousins except 2. The first was my eldest cousin, who had been mentally ill and homeless most of his adult life and was the cousin that would have benefited most from a financial windfall. My aunt always thought he just “couldn’t get his act together”, essentially blaming him for his mental health issues. Instead, she split his share between his kids, who had mental health and substance abuse issues of their own and blew through it in months. The second person she wrote out of her will was my brother, the one who got sued for helping her sell her house.

      In addition to my share of the estate, my aunt specifically left me an ugly cocktail ring and necklace because they had my birthstone. My cousin, who in addition to being morally bankrupt apparently has no taste, offered to buy them from me if I didn’t want them. I kept them on principle and have never spoken to my cousin since.

    10. Texan In Exile*

      My husband’s parents disinherited him, which we don’t care about. It was their money. They get to do what they want with their money.

      The part that has had me furious and what my husband, Mr T/Primo, is finally letting himself get angry about, five years after their deaths (they died within six weeks of each other, FIL dying of a post-surgery infection, MIL dying after FIL fell on her when he was drunk and broke her knee, putting her into the hospital), is that they still made Mr T executor of the estate and (unpaid – they specified unpaid) trustee for the money for the four grandchildren. The money is in trust until the kids are 30. My youngest niece is 22.

      They did not set up separate trusts for the kids. They did not set up a special needs trust for my 23 year old nephew who was born with special needs. (This is essential to protect his SS disability benefits.) (But Mr T’s dad did have time to watch porn on his computer. He had his priorities.)

      In addition, their estate was a mess. Mr T didn’t know if they had a safe deposit box. He didn’t know where the car title was. (In a manila folder on the top shelf of the office closet.) He didn’t know what bank accounts they had.

      (My mother and I spent two days going through all of her files, which are in you know – files. Her financial advisor came over for an afternoon and talked about her investments and the strategy. We made a spreadsheet of all of her accounts and her doctor’s information. I am a signer on her safe deposit box. I am on her checking accounts. I have her financial POA. My sister, a nurse, has her health care POA.)

      Moral of the story: do what you want with your money, but if you disinherit someone, don’t dump all the work on them.

      (The whole saga is on my old blog, diaryofagolddigger.blogspot )

      1. Reba*

        I remember the blog!

        This is a great point for the OP here: the way you feel about this situation may change over time, even a long time from now.

        Hope you get some peace.

      2. Just Another Manic Millie*

        Didn’t your husband have the right to decline being the executor and trustee? I wouldn’t like it if I suddenly found out that I had to be an executor and/or trustee and was not able to say, “No, I can’t do it.”

        1. higheredrefugee*

          While true, I’ve seen lots of executors, and even more trustees, say yes because they knew anyone else would actually be worse.

          1. Just Another Manic Millie*

            I was named executor of my father’s will. But he also had to list an alternative executor, such as a bank, in the event that I was no longer alive or able or willing to serve. I find it hard to believe that bank personnel would do such a bad job that your husband felt that he had no choice but to serve. There must have been some provision made in the will regarding your husband’s inability/unwillingness to serve.

            1. Vina*

              Banks and trustees can be trustees. They can’t be executors. At least not in any of the states where I have a license to practice law.

              Always name at least 3 people. At least.

        2. Insurance mom*

          I’m sure you may decline: and the fee part may be changed at the courts discretion. Otherwise banks trust departments would be a really good cheap alternative for executors! /s

        1. Happy Lurker*

          Me too! Once the in laws passed there seemed like nothing to write.
          Sorry to say, but Gold diggers in law stories made mine pale in comparision and I heartily thank you for that.
          I hope you are doing good!

    11. Pennyworth*

      Trying to understand why they did it can ease things a bit. When my aunt died she left absolutely everything to her husband, which was incredibly hurtful to her eldest daughter who was their carer, even though she knew she’d be getting an equal share with her siblings when her father died. Both her parents had always made it clear that their wills were going to leave everything fairly. It turned out that her mother was worried about her other daughter, who was trying to get out of an abusive marriage, and didn’t want her husband to have an oppportunity to get his hands on an inheritance. The will was a delaying tactic which worked well (abusive marriage was long past when their father died) but that wasn’t apparent at the time and I can still remember my carer-cousin looking so sad and saying ‘she didn’t leave me anything at all.’

    12. CastIrony*

      My grandmother on my dad’s side did him dirty. I am not so sure of the details, but part of the property he has(d) in his home country was given to his sister. He still resents her, even though she’s dead now.

      My sister and I joke that we want the avocado tree his sister planted on there. She even hates them!

    13. NaoNao*

      The book “A Tangled Web” by L.M. Montgomery (which has some racial stereotypes and casual n-word use but was written in the 1910s I believe just FYI) has the framing device of the will of a VERY cranky and divisive old woman being read and how characters react to getting just the wrong thing and the slights and personal digs the old lady gets in at the reading. It has some of the most beautiful, uplifting, and delightful writing I’ve ever read in a book (skip the “sailors fight over a statue” part) and it deals with the fallout from a badly written/mean spirited/clueless will.

    14. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      My grandmother convinced her childfree sister-in-law to leave her house to my dad’s brother, which deeply upset my dad and my mom and make them break contact with them for the next twelve years. To make things worse, when the time came my grandmother sold her house instead of leaving it to dad. To this day I’ve only seen my cousins twice in my life, and neither party is interested in having any kind of relationship.

    15. Choggy*

      My husband’s best friend lived his whole life looking forward to a large inheritance. So he lived his life according to what his parents wanted to guarantee he would get it. He married and had kids, neither of which he was ever cut out for. Years later he ended up divorced and living his life like the free-wheeling bachelor he always should have been. His parents passed and he comes to find out the bulk of the will was left to his sister, the rest was put into a trust for his kids because his mother wanted him to know, loud and clear, she did not approve of his lifestyle. He now has no relationship with his sister and got an attorney to contest the will but got no where. Because he expected that inheritance, he never worried about saving for his retirement or for his kids educations. His parents never should have used that to control his life, and he never should have counted on an inheritance for his future. Living your life under your own terms is priceless to me.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, this. Don’t let the promise of future money keep you from living your life on your own terms as long as you don’t hurt others on purpose (if someone feels hurt or offended because they disapprove of your lifestyle, that’s on them) or break the law.

    16. higheredrefugee*

      Don’t be afraid to do some grief/anger counseling over this. I’ve had so many clients benefit from 3-6 sessions to really appreciate why and what hurts and develop appropriate coping skills.

    17. Thursday Next*

      Without more details, it’s a bit difficult to understand your particular situation.

      I think there can be many ways to approach “fairness” in wills. My parents, both of whom are alive, have willed everything to each other. I think that’s fair—whichever one outlives the other still needs means to live on. My brother and I *shouldn’t* get anything.

      My husband and I have divided our estate unevenly between our children (technically, between one child and the other child’s special needs trust). I look at our decision as a way of caring for our disabled child after we can’t, and in doing so, removing the financial burden of care from our other child. This is not equal division, but it is fair.

      But I think your point is more about coping with the feeling of unfairness. I think maybe to not think of “fairness” as a fixed concept? Or to think of the will-writer as a flawed person with flawed motivations that don’t necessarily tell the truth of your situation? I’m not sure whether it would be helpful to you to write the person off as terrible. I tend to advocate for a more flexible understanding.

      1. Vina*

        In the US, spouses are entitled by law to a share. Most states it’s ½ of most property.

        Most people leave everything to their spouse and only to their kids if their spouse is dead. People who get upset that a parent left everything to their other parent or to a step-parent need to understand that’s the normal way to do things. The other spouse usually needs the money to live on. Also, if it is earned during life, both spouses are typically contributing to the household. Viewing it as one spouse or the other spouse’s money only screws over women.

        Now, if both spouses are dead and a child is left out, that’s something to be salty about.

        1. allathian*

          I think most people would consider it fair if the surviving spouse is their biological parent. It’s more iffy if it’s a step-parent that the children don’t expect to inherit.
          Here, biological and adopted children, but not unadopted stepchildren, are always the primary heirs. Unless the spouses have a prenup specifying otherwise, the surviving spouse has the right to keep living in the dwelling the couple lived in during their marriage and to retain ownership until their death. This also applies to common-law marriage at the time of death, defined as living in the same household for at least ten years (common-law spouses are not entitled to each other’s property otherwise unless there’s a will). We have same-sex marriage and, under the old legislation, registered partnerships, and the same rules apply to them.

    18. allathian*

      My MIL’s husband’s father was a very difficult person. He verbally abused his wife, my step-FIL’s mother, at a time when you had to have a guilty party to get a divorce, it wasn’t possible to get one for irreconcilable differences. So she intentionally provoked him to hitting her, went to the doctor and got her injuries documented. When my step-FIL testified in her favor in court (he had been present when his dad hit his mom), his father cut him out of his will and they basically didn’t speak for nearly 40 years. Normally, it’s pretty difficult to cut anyone out of your will here, because direct heirs are entitled to at least half their legal share. But it’s possible to start a foundation with your estate in a way that leaves heirs penniless, which is what he did. The trouble was, he wanted his son to be the executor of that foundation, but he turned that down firmly. I don’t know how they resolved it, finally. I never knew him very well, but by all accounts he was very difficult to live with. Eventually he remarried and his second wife was 20 years younger than him. She was his caregiver for almost twenty years, he lived well past 100. When he was about 98 he had to go to hospital and his wife said that she wouldn’t take him back when/if he recovered. He did go into a nursing home, but only after her doctor wrote a note saying she was too infirm to be his caregiver anymore. Whenever I think of him, I get an earworm of “Only the good die young, all the evil seem to live forever…”

    19. Dancing Otter*

      Parents may divide property unequally for any number of reasons.

      Yes, it may be anger or resentment at perceived neglect, ingratitude or other mistreatment. It could be cultural bias, or a perception that one heir is more or less “deserving”.

      But it may also be gratitude to the heir who took care of them, who was always loving and generous.

      It could be just poor planning. Maybe when they assigned asset A to heir X and asset B to heir Y, they were of equal value, but one went up in value compared to the other.

      And frequently, the parents want to provide for the child who they think needs help the most. If Susie makes a good living but Sally is disabled, Sally needs more help than Susie. It isn’t equal, but it is fair (assuming the need is real).
      Example: I have a pair of cousins, one of whom has Down’s. The elder has always known that his younger brother would need help forever. The estate was left in trust for the younger, with the elder as his guardian and trustee. It’s the best response to an unfortunate situation, not any indication that the parents didn’t love them both just as much.

      1. Grim*

        This happened to my friend. He devoted himself to taking care of his parents as they aged and became infirm, while also taking care of his family as they struggled paycheck to paycheck.

        His younger brother lived a troubled life and had trouble keeping a job. He lived with their parents off and on while the parents enjoyed good health and a steady income, but was not to be seen once the parents became elderly and infirm.

        The parents left their entire estate to the troubled younger brother, noting in the will how self sufficient the older brother had been and how the younger brother needed all the help he could get.

        Younger brother went on to a 5 year run of spending carelesly and eventually was back to where he started.

        1. allathian*

          Are the brothers still talking? In that situation, I wouldn’t be saying a word to my sibling ever again and I’d spend a while regretting every sacrifice I made for my ungrateful parents. Then I’d try and let go of my anger with my parents because I would only be hurting myself by being angry. The best revenge is a life lived well…

          That said, I’m just glad that I live in a country where it’s really, really, really difficult to disinherit your children (they’re usually entitled to at least half their legal share), pretty much the only option is to either make a foundation, where if you disinherit one child you disinherit them all, or if the child is living what is termed an “immoral life”. It’s OK to disinherit a person who’s in jail for serious crimes like murder. There have been court cases where conservative parents tried to disinherit a homosexual child who according to their view was living an immoral life, but they still got their legal share, because homosexual relationships have equal status with heterosexual ones before the law.

    20. Anonymous Educator*

      I haven’t had that happen, and I hope that’s a long way off. My parents have said numerous times that they are splitting things evenly between me and my sibling, so if the split didn’t end up even, I’d mainly be upset about being lied to. I don’t care about the money. And if they told me they favored my sibling over me, that’d suck, but I wouldn’t be that surprised. It’d mainly be the lying I’d be upset about if it turned out unfair.

    21. Anon for this*

      I’m so sorry you are going through this. My family is dealing with something similar (trust in probate court); my side is likely to win. I’ve been trying to keep an “eyes on the prize” mentality and it’s not helping at all. The situation is full of bad feelings and worse actions, and fractured relationships that will not be repaired, and it deeply sucks. Like you suspected, getting your “fair share” would not necessarily make you feel any better.

    22. WoodswomanWrites*

      My parents of four kids divorced and my father remarried. His wife had three kids from a previous marriage. When we were all adults, the two of them explained to us that they had created wills. Their agreement was that whichever of them died last would leave everything to be divided by the seven of us.

      I have no doubt my father would have honored this commitment to his stepchildren if his wife had died first, which would be appropriate. It turned out the other way around. When his wife survived him and eventually died, we learned that she had changed her will to exclude all but one of her three kids. She consistently resented her husband’s children and I never expected anything, but even so I was surprised she excluded two of her own kids. My guess is that it’s because they had set healthy boundaries with her negativity.

      This contrasts with my mother’s side of the family. When their parents died, my mother’s brother gave his share of his inheritance to her because he was financially well off and wanted to help his sister. It’s possible that by the time my mother passes away, my siblings and I will be supporting her and what she’ll leave behind will be a few heirlooms. I’m glad to say that my siblings and I will no doubt divide things up without acrimony. I’m grateful for that.

      1. Just Another Manic Millie*

        “Their agreement was that whichever of them died last would leave everything to be divided by the seven of us.”

        I would have known right away that that was something I couldn’t count on. First of all, as you said, the surviving spouse made a new will. Second of all, what if the surviving spouse married again? Would anyone expect him/her to say to the new spouse, “Sorry I can’t leave you anything in my will. I already promised that I would leave everything to be divided between my children and my step-children from my prior marriage.” As posted previously, someone who is married is required to leave a certain amount in his/her will to the spouse.

        Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why some relatives of mine are being really nice to their stepmother (who is a horrible person). Their father (the stepmother’s husband) died, and maybe they told all the kids that whoever died last would leave everything to be shared equally among them. Maybe they are afraid that if they aren’t really nice to their stepmother, she won’t leave them anything, meaning that they didn’t inherit anything from their mother (who had left everything to their father), and they won’t inherit anything from their father (who left everything to his second wife, their stepmother) if she decides to leave everything to only her own children.

  9. Frustrated*

    People who live with a chronic illness: how do you deal with the frustrations of flare-ups even when you feel like you’re doing everything.

    I’m just so tired of being sick. I’ve had it under control for years now and thought it’d just stay that way. But it’s chosen this time (when the health services are so stretched) to start giving me issues. I can’t be sure it’s a complete coincidence (since stress can be an exacerbating factor, and there’s been plenty of that lately) but I just…wish it would go away.

    1. NeonFireworks*

      I know this feeling so well. I remember during a healthy stretch for one of my issues, suddenly feeling intense dread realising that a flare-up could be tomorrow. Or next weekend. Or in two months. But it was coming. I didn’t get that issue under control for years – one of the worst periods was a decade after diagnosis.

      One thing that helped me, psychologically, was beginning to follow peer-reviewed research on my conditions. I’m not any kind of health scientist, but it helped reassure me that people were working on it!

      Asking around among the medical people I see really paid off. Against my expectations, an everyday PCP made a creative suggestion (a kind-of-off-label medication) that helped that none of the specialists had ever come up with, and I also tried a dietary adjustment suggested in the research – published in 2013, which was well after my diagnosis – that went a long way too. I have had maybe two episodes in the last year, which is hard to believe after so many bad years – and I’m pretty sure that both of them were set off by viruses, too. I’m still processing the amount of suffering I went through, but I try to return to gratitude. Thinking of you from another spoonie.

    2. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Sorry you’re dealing with this.

      I’ve found it helps massively to join support groups (Facebook, Reddit, wherever you find your people) of people who have your illness and really get it, so you can have a moan or reach out for support – I’ve found it helps if I know my audience truly gets it.

    3. Smeralda*

      I try to remember that living with this condition is a marathon, not a race. Sometimes it’s incredibly frustrating. I let myself feel that frustration. I try to remember that wanting to be in acceptance is not acceptance.

    4. Anonnington*

      Keep trying new alleviation methods. I say alleviation because, obviously, some illnesses can’t be cured and the treatments aren’t that great. But continuing to test new ways to make it more bearable can help. Everything from experimenting with your diet to new symptom relief methods.

      In keeping with that, avoid people who are negative or condescending about the illness. There is a lot of that out there, and it’s toxic in many ways, from the obvious to the more subtle. It’s better to be completely alone than to interact with anyone who treats you disrespectfully because of a medical condition that you have.

      Seek out offline friendships with people who are dealing with something similar, and in a relatively healthy way. (A lot of people, understandably, struggle with denial, substance abuse as an escape method, etc, which is not a reason to judge them, but if you’re around a lot of that, it can be contagious. There are ways for people who are struggling to get help, and it’s not your responsibility.) Find people who are on a path towards dealing with it in increasingly healthy ways, and join them.

      I hate to say this, but I would minimize use of online communities around illnesses. As valuable as it is that they exist, they tend to attract types of dysfunction that are easier to avoid offline.

      And keep seeking out ways to lift your spirits. Small things can make a big difference.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Well I think it really depends on the community!

        I have a rare disease and it is so great to talk to people who get it.

        1. Anonnington*

          Yeah, I agree, and I respect that. But I think it’s hit or miss. Just speaking from personal experience.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I completely agree about the online communities. I often feel very “stuck in the middle” with a lot of things in my life, this being one of them. I am not a healthy person, so I don’t quite fit in with my healthy friends (they are great, but they don’t get it). But then when I go to online communities, it’s like a lot of the people want to be defined by their illnesses. They have signatures with their diagnoses and surgery dates and medications…and that’s just not me. I don’t know if I’d call it dysfunctional, but it’s just not something I can relate to. I am a person who happens to have multiple serious health conditions, but I don’t want people to focus on that aspect of me.

        1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

          Those kinds don’t sound helpful, it’s true. But they’re not all like that!

    5. HannahS*

      It’s tough. I don’t have much to offer by way of advice–my way of coping with it is to just be kind of sad for a bit. Plus I have a big meltdown every couple of years where I sob for a couple of evenings and then the rest of the time I’m ok. It sucks. Acknowledging that it sucks matters, I think. Being kind to yourself matters. Making sure that your coping mechanism isn’t things that make your life worse–so, you know, a little comfort eating is fine, but I eat more junk when I’m stressed and ultimately it hasn’t served me well, you know?

    6. Treebeardette*

      For me, I had to do a deep dive into what could trigger my flare-ups. Everything from getting more sleep, less mental stress, what I eat, and how I exercise.
      My flare-ups are getting less and less. It use to be that when I thought I did everything right, I actually wasn’t. Sometimes I just faced a really stressful situation which causes a flare up. I’m finding my mental health contributes a lot to my flare-ups. Sometimes I did too much exercising like cleaning my whole house.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        I had completely unpredictable symptoms for years that were supposed to be diet-related given my diagnosis. I set up an experimental period in the summer of 2011 when I dropped two big categories of food. No difference. Turned out that in order to perceive the massive difference that came along in 2017, I would have needed to drop both of those AND 90% or more of a whole bunch of other miscellaneous things cutting across conventional grocery-store categories of food.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          It is so difficult when it feels like you can’t eat anything. I keep having to add more and more foods to the “Do not eat this or you will experience severe distress list.” I can’t do onions, carrots, bell peppers, eggplant, cashews, peanuts (or peanut butter/anything cooked with peanut oil), almonds, macadamia nuts, cabbage, Brussels sprouts, anything greasy/fried, corn, pretty much any kind of seed (sesame, poppy, sunflower, mustard, etc.), or anything too sugary (e.g. my favorite drink from Starbucks is no longer doable). I can basically eat chicken, steak, cheddar cheese, fresh mozzarella, seedless watermelon, cantaloupe, and asparagus without problems. The problem with that is I have kidney disease, so I’m supposed to be limiting animal products, AND I have to watch my potassium intake. It really wreaks havoc on my life.

    7. Former prof*

      I am there with you. I spend so much of my life waiting – waiting to recover from the latest flare, waiting for the next medical procedure, and when I am better waiting for the next flare. One of the bizarre things about the pandemic is now everyone else is in here with me waiting. I especially resent the virus because I was in a good phase, and now it’s all being wasted sitting at home. When I can finally leave the county again, who knows what condition I’ll be in?

      Despite having a rare syndrome, I recognize that I am luckier than others because my condition can be managed to some degree. So I try to be religious about my physical therapy and exercise, getting enough sleep. I swear at my body a lot – not sure that’s effective but it makes me less mad :-) Because I have a degenerative condition, I try to make myself keep going because if I don’t do it now, the wheelchair is waiting.

    8. KoiFeeder*

      I write swear words until I feel better.

      More seriously taking those frustrations out by making something, even if you’re going to immediately delete/destroy it and have no intention of sharing it ever, is very cathartic. It doesn’t have to be good, you can write swear words in fancy ways and that’s valid.

    9. KeinName*

      I am so sorry. This is shit. I cannot really reccomend anything, apart from making a friend who has the same condition. She always understands, is supportive, knows remedies and the latest research/doctors, she is very appreciative when i help her. When she is well, i can feel hopeful that i will also be well.
      Other than that, it is really just so shitty fearing flare ups or going through them. You can do everything right but you cannot control your body and you have no control over sudden events which might stress you out or conflicts which suddenly need to be dealt with and so on.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I know, it’s so discouraging!

      I just try to remind myself that my management plan is just that – a plan for ways to manage the symptoms. It’s not a cure, and it’s not necessarily going to go according to plan, any more than any other plan in life.

      The other thing I try to do is remind myself that at least I can avoid making the flareup worse. So that motivates me to keep working my plan on bad days.

      But it’s not easy, and I usually wind up taking a little time to just rest and feel whatever I feel – disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness.

      You can’t get past the feelings until you feel them. If you try to squash or avoid them, they just stay longer and get worse

    11. Alexandra Lynch*

      Well, I gripe and moan about it a bit, and then I talk to the part.
      “Oh, you poor gut. I know it’s so hard with the moving and the uncertainty, and all the pressure that I’m putting on myself to do it right and carry most of the burden. I know you’re stressed and when you’re stressed you tighten up, and I’m going to do the right things to help you deal with it.”
      Which may be corny but works for me.
      And then I do the right thing which in this case involves upping my fiber and water intake and using stool softeners and doing as much relaxing as I can, and generally being good to myself.

      I’ve had various chronic issues for 20 years, and I’ve gotten to a point of acceptance with them. It just is, and I am just going to have to deal with them, so what can I do in advance to make them impact my life less?

  10. nnn*

    Can anyone with medical knowledge tell me if a pulse oximeter would be effective as a fainting early warning device, or does it not work that way?

    Backstory: I struggle with wearing masks, and sometimes get light-headed while wearing them. I’ve seen people, including medical people, say you should push through the difficulties and keep the mask on, but the problem is I don’t know how far it is from “light-headed” to “fainting”, and I don’t want to find out the hard way. (I’ve fainted exactly once in my adult life, no warning signs that I could perceive, and it resulted in a head injury with after-effects that have lasted for years.)

    I saw some doctors on Twitter wearing pulse oximeters to show that wearing a mask doesn’t effect your blood oxygen levels, so I’m wondering if I could use this to check if I’m at risk of fainting. If I were to wear a pulse oximeter and the reading was stable, would that mean I’m safe from fainting, even if I feel light-headed? Or could I faint even with a normal blood oxygen reading?

    (Note that I don’t have any sort of diagnosis for what’s making me struggle with the mask, and seeking one is not an immediate option.)

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I’m not a medical person, but I sometimes work in high altitude environments where we use a pulse oximeter to monitor blood oxygen for safety reasons. What I’ve experienced and observed is that when your blood oxygen starts dropping, you don’t generally faint – the warning symptoms are faster heart beat, headache, nausea, dizziness and shortness of breath. If you don’t get oxygen supplements or go to a lower altitude, the more serious version involves loss of coordination and confusion. But keeling over suddenly isn’t something that happens.

    2. allathian*

      I’m not a medical person either, but the few times I’ve felt light-headed is when I’ve been anxious and close to a panic attack and I’ve been hyperventilating. I’m not particularly anxious normally, but I am when I’m particularly stressed. Currently, COVID’s pretty much under control in my area and I’m not particularly anxious. Some precautions are still in force, such as limiting the number of people who are allowed to meet (500) and limiting the number of people allowed inside restaurants at the same time (75% of capacity, every customer must have their own seat and social distance is enforced while queuing).

      Masks have not been recommended never mind mandated in my area so I haven’t even tried them yet, but I can imagine that the mask might make me feel anxious enough to hyperventilate. I live in a temperate climate and we can have cold winters. I can’t tolerate breathing through a scarf to avoid the worst of the cold for more than a few minutes at a time.

      I had a growth spurt in my early teens and that led to low blood pressure for a while. If I got up too quickly, I’d feel light-headed. I even fainted once or twice.

      Are you taking rapid, shallow breaths to compensate for the mask?

    3. Bagpuss*

      I think fainting is normally more to do with low blood pressure than low oxygen so I am not sure how much an oximeter would help from a *medical* point of view. However, I think lightheadedness can be a result of anxiety so it might help by reducing your anxiety by reassuring you that you weren’t low on oxygen, perhaps?
      On a practical level, if you do feel lightheaded then pausing, sitting down and putting your head down will help and reduce the risk of fainting.

      1. hermit crab*

        I think this is an interesting idea! Fainting/lightheadedness can absolutely be a symptom of stress/anxiety so if the pulse ox helps with your anxiety (and your lightheadedness doesn’t have some other cause) it might be worth a try.

        (my browser’s spellcheck thinks that “lightheadedness” should be “lightheartedness” or “pigheadedness” which amuses me…)

      2. Former prof*

        Bingo baby. Maybe trying to stay really well-hydrated would help since that supports blood pressure.

        1. nnn*

          Oh, this looks promising! Thank you! It’s useful to have something I can actually *do* that isn’t related to breathing.

        2. Beth*

          These exercises are good, but I would also add, if your fainting is due to blood pressure then the best and most immediate solution is to simply sit down. I pass out (or get close to it) relatively frequently and it took me a long time to get over the inherent weirdness of sitting down in the middle of a hallway, eg, instead of desperately doing muscle clenches to stave it off. This led to falling a couple more times than I had to. nnn, since you’ve already fallen and that’s your biggest fear (reasonably so!) I’d drill it into your head that sitting is ok. If your passing out is related to loss of blood flow to the head, like mine is, it will get harder to think clearly as the symptoms come on, and your brain may default to its most engrained behavior (in my case, trying not to draw attention to myself). When that happens, you want to be able to remember that sitting is ok. (Necessary caveats that during a pandemic, sitting in the middle of a grocery store aisle isn’t great. So using these exercises to stay on your feet long enough to get to a safe place to sit is a good combo technique.)

          Also, figure out what helps you recover (might be water, snacks with sugar/protein, Gatorade) and carry some with you when you go out. Will help you feel more prepared even if you never need it.

    4. WS*

      Fainting isn’t usually related to overall blood oxygen levels, so unless you know it is in your case, I think a pulse oximeter would be a waste of time.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        Agree with this. Very rarely is a reduction in oxygen the reason for light headedness during mask wearing. Usually it’s hyperventilating, blood pressure, or psychosomatic (really a combination of all things, since locking your knees and tightening your muscles and hyperventilating are often all caused by anxiety). If you have asthma or something, maybe? But oxygen can get really really low without you passing out.

        You *might* get something out of your pulse but in reality it will probably just feed your fears more as you see normal fluctuations and read too far into them.

        The good news is, the best warning system is your own perception. If you’re feeling light headed, sit down and take a break. Theres likely quite a long time between that first feelings of wooziness and actually passing out.

        -EMT

        1. nnn*

          Oh, THAT is the information I was missing! Thank you!

          I was thinking that because the big issue I have with the mask is light-headedness, that must be the problem everyone was talking about. (I’m sure there’s a name for that logical fallacy.)

          Then when my twitter started getting full of photos of people with masks and pulse oximeters, I thought the thing they were trying to prove with pulse oximeters must be related to the problem I’m experiencing, so maybe I could use it to monitor the problem I’m experiencing.

          But it turns out we’re all talking about two different things, which I wasn’t knowledgable enough to recognize. So thank you for your expertise :)

    5. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      Honestly, you are probably attributing the wrong thing (the mask) as the root cause of your fainting. Millions of medical workers wear masks for 14 hour shifts without fainting: masks have been mandatory in other countries like China (pop: 1.3 billion) without there being a secondary epidemic of fainting. Masks are safe and do not cause harm to the wearer unless they have a cardiac or respiratory disorder. This is a myth being spread by anti-science Americans who believe the pandemic is fake.

      I recommend you contact your doctor for a consultation. If the mask is actually causing you to faint, you likely have an undiagnosed disorder that needs prompt treatment. Otherwise, please stop spreading fake news. This is not the place for it.

      1. Morningstar*

        On the other hand, isn’t it great to ask these questions rather than accepting potentially wrong information?

      2. RagingADHD*

        Hey, whoa. Needlessly harsh.

        OP isn’t “spreading fake news.” They are having a problem they don’t understand, and asking if something might help.

        And they got good info about it.

        They are also looking for ways to make mask-wearing easier, not looking for excuses not to wear one.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Were supposed to be nice here–and its not nice to accuse someone of ‘spreading fake news’ when they ask a question about navigating a fear of fainting that they feel coming on more when wearing a mask.

    6. Courageous cat*

      I agree that the mask is not causing you to faint but I also don’t necessarily think it’s another serious cause – I think it could be your association with the mask and *feeling* that it’s making you breathe less efficiently that’s causing you to be lightheaded. In short: anxiety. Anxiety itself can make you breathe differently and cause lightheadedness.

      I would recommend trying square breathing with a mask on.

    7. Kt*

      Yeah, other folks have contributed good info. A few further observations:

      When I’ve had consistent trouble with light headedness it’s been anemia or low blood pressure. My oxygenation has been fine.

      The way you breathe can really influence lightheadedness as well, and learning some breathing techniques to combat what you might be unconsciously doing could be very useful.

      When I’ve actually fainted, my vision has narrowed first. It is a useful warning sign for me, personally, to sit down.

    8. Doc in a Box*

      I’m not your doctor, and this is not medical advice, but there are lots of different reasons why people may faint. The faint being described by most commentators here (getting woozy, tunnel vision, etc) is called vasovagal syncope and is usually due to low blood pressure or another relatively benign cause. Fainting WITHOUT warning, on the other hand, is potentially quite serious — not just because of the risk of injury, but also because it can be due to an abnormal heart rhythm or even a seizure (yes, even without visible convulsion). In neither case would a pulse ox be useful.

      I really hope you are able to get a diagnosis for what makes you faint!

    9. I'm just here for the cats*

      I’m not a medical professional but I believe that fainting is typically caused by low blood sugar or blood pressure. I think you would have to be seriously hyperventilating in order to faint. I think someone else mentioned anxiety, which could cause issues with your blood pressure. Could wearing the mask make you anxious or feel claustrophobic, Zaza and make you not be able to catch your breath.

    10. Beth*

      I’m not a doctor at all, just a patient who’s been dealing with mystery passing out for about twenty years. Somebody above recommended looking into vasovagal syncope, which I second. Some other potential causes for you to read up on might be pots, orthostatic hypotension, or postprandial hypotension, if it seems like a blood pressure thing, or low blood sugar (hypoglycemia or reactive hypoglycemia) if it seems related to diet. Those are things you can read up on on your own and see if they give you any clues. I’m *not* advocating self diagnosis, just looking into potential causes for this to help you know what sorts of things to pay attention to. When looking up vasovagal syncope, remember that the triggers for it don’t have to be the traditional examples of blood/needles; it can also be worsened by heat/sun and dehydration. Basic treatment for vasovagal syncope is lots of water, compression stockings, and increased salt intake…but talk with a doc before increasing salt. Mine started laughing when he told me how much sodium I should be getting (it’s a lotttt).

      It could also be anxiety, but push back against that diagnosis if it doesn’t make sense to you. Or see a therapist for a second opinion (a therapist can tell you if your anxiety (if you have anxiety at all) is bad enough to lead to passing out). Mine was misdiagnosed as anxiety for a while, which delayed me figuring out how to manage it.

      When it’s safe to see a doctor again, please bring this up and they might order some heart tests (ekg, echocardiogram, and/or heart monitor) to rule out heart issues as a source of the problem. Or bring it up in a telemedicine appointment if this is a recurring problem! They couldn’t test remotely, but could determine if it’s serious enough that you should come in. Generally passing out *with no warning* is much more serious than the light-headed, staticky-vision passing out a lot of us have been describing.

      Good luck! Re the mask question specifically, you could practice wearing one around your home while you do different breathing methods to get used to it before going out. If you can get your hands on the loose blue surgical masks, I’ve heard they’re more comfortable than cloth masks (but not reusable, and leave them for medical staff first obvs).

  11. Juniper*

    UK based readers – any idea where a large amount of history bools would be welcome?

    My dad had a large collection of Medivael history books that he wanted to go to a history society when he died, but when my mum contacted them, they didn’t seem bothered. She’s reluctant to take them to a charity shop as she knows it’s likely unlikely that someone who would enjoy them would actually find them.

    Any ideas of libraries / societies / etc that might want them?

    1. DeepDarkBlue*

      Could you create a very basic list including title, author and year of publication, then email it to several university libraries? Perhaps those librarians could direct you to more societies or individuals with that particular need. Good luck!

      1. StellaBella*

        This is a good idea – also – perhaps mail the chatelaine (welcome person) for your local or national branch of the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) as that org is filled with medieval-focused folks who might love these as a way to share with their groups including kids.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        Making a list is a great idea. A word of caution about donating. Libraries where I live in the US do not take donations inot the collection bc the risk of bringing in mold or bugs that can spread to the rest of the collection is too high.

      3. Nancy*

        St Andrews might be a good place to start? It offers a degree in Medieval History, and has quite a well known Medieval History department.

      4. Medievalist*

        You might also send the list to university departments that have postgraduate students in medieval fields (e.g., history, literature, etc.), to see if they could circulate the options internally. While academic libraries can be very selective, students are often less so. (When I was working on my own medieval doctorate, I started my personal academic library based on donated books—and still use some regularly.)

        1. Dr. Vanessa Poseidon*

          This is a great idea especially now, when lots of scholars and students are unable to visit libraries in person. I know lots of academics who are buying more books now and seeking out PDFs from others’ personal libraries, so some of your titles might be really useful at the moment.

        2. cat paws*

          That’s mostly what I did with my dad’s maths texts when it was time to get rid of them: I left them in the protected entrance of the maths building at the uni. At the time of year I left them, it would have only been postgrads and faculty accessing the building. My fantasy is that a bunch of postgrads leafed through texts about other subject areas and learned a little – the best possible outcome of a book.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      I’d also try looking up some of them by googling the ISBN, if they have one. You might find they are valuable or not and that can help them find a home.

    3. KiwiApple*

      More specialist charity bookshops (specifically Oxfam) or second hand bookshops would be worth investigating. I volunteered in a few Oxfam bookshops and collectors definitely knew us!

      1. Retiring Academic*

        I second this. Some charities are very good at getting books to collectors or dealers who are interested in them. Christian Aid does a giant booksale in Edinburgh during Christian Aid Week which dealers come to. I don’t know if they do a similar sale anywhere else in the UK though.

    4. Nancy*

      I’m not sure about libraries or societies, but my partner, an academic with a relatively niche interest, found a treasure trove of someone’s specialist library in one of the secondhand book shops on Charing Cross Road in London. Turns out he knew the person who had collected the books, and whose library was now being sold off (it’s a small field), and he bought loads of the books – like multiple trips, with many, many carrier bags full. It was Quinto Bookshop, but there are lots of others in the same area. It’s not the same as donating to a society, I know, but these particular books certainly went to a very appreciative home!

    6. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Charity shops can potentially sell books in other ways and it could be really helpful for them when so many charities are struggling right now.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Where in the UK? Groups like the Society of Antiquaries of Newcastle or a local archaeology group might be interested.

      1. Juniper*

        I’m currently in London, my mum is in the North West, so we can cover a range of the UK hopefully!

    8. BethDH*

      There is a medievalist book exchange group on Facebook. Typically people are only passing on a small number of books and it’s handled by mail but you might be able to specify local pickup only.

    9. Juniper*

      Thank you to everyone so far for the suggestions! There’s a lot places I wouldn’t have even considered. I’m going to let my mum know and hopefully we’ll be able to get the books to people who will be happy to get them.

      Any other suggestions are welcome!

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Just thought of this – if you’re willing to send them to people and but necessarily looking to give them away as a collection you might message the admin on the “BAJR UK archaeology” group on Facebook and see if it would be ok to post them there. Lots of medieval specialists there who might be interested.

  12. Denver Bound from NC*

    Looking for advice on a move to the Denver area next year.

    Background
    – Early 30s married couple
    – One kid (preschool age)
    – One dog

    We’ve coming from the Raleigh-Durham area which had a lot of amenities we really liked (access to parks and trails, good schools, GREAT food). I work from home but need to be within 30-40 minutes of an airport since I travel 1-3 times a month.

    We liked Louisville but it also felt a bit too sleepy after living in a college town. Stapleton looks interesting for semi-urban living but we’ve heard mixed reviews. Our budget is $600K and we’d be looking for a 3bd2ba (no plans for more kids).

    If anyone is living in Colorado now or has recently planned a move, what are the top things to consider/top things you wish you had known? (Ex. when moving to Raleigh-Durham, you don’t just want to live close to I-40, picking the right exit can literally shave 20-30 minutes off your commute). We’re planning to rent for a year before we buy so we’d welcome tips on what others have done. Happy to answer questions about Chapel Hill for any folks making the move this way. We’ve really loved it here!

    2. Parenthetically*

      With the train out to the airport, I would think that as long as you live close to the line, you wouldn’t need to worry about the commute to the airport, per se. I have a real soft spot for the City Park/Zoo/Greektown/Congress Park area, and it looks like you’d be pretty easily able to find something there in your price range — if you look north of City Park, that’s really close to the airport rail line which would make your trips to the airport a breeze.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I like the homes, it’s very tree-lined and fairly quiet, the parks in that area are SO nice, and it’s near the city proper, so there are plenty of fantastic restaurants and things to do very nearby. But it’s not posh or snooty or fancy-feeling in the way that some of the neighborhoods are. We spent a fair bit of time in Greektown when I was a kid so part of it is just nostalgia!

    3. Anon in Colorado*

      I love the historic homes and architecture in the Congress/ City Park area :) I think a lot depends on the type of home you’re looking for. Do you want an older historic home or something newer? Gentrified or suburban vibe?

      1. Denver Bound from NC*

        Our current home has needed a lot of repairs so I’m wary of historic (aka expensive) homes but I freely recognize that new construction isn’t realistic in the city either. We can make just about any type of house work since we’ll have a small budget for remodeling/upgrades. The bigger issue for us is walkable and kid friendly. We live within a mile of a grocery, park, rec center, trails, movie theater, library, coffee shop, grocery and more so we’re super spoiled.

    4. Smeralda*

      Hello!

      Stapleton is boring and homogenous af. There are a LOT of bored couples looking for neighborhood drama. The town center doesn’t have great food, mostly chains like Starbucks and Cold Stone. Kind of a drag, imo. However, if that stuff isn’t a deterrent for you, Stapleton also is pretty safe and has great parks and a really nice rec center / gym. It’s close to your big box stores (convenience!), has some ok elementary schools, and there are two Krogers. It’s also walkable.

      I would recommend looking at Park Hill, which Is much more diverse and feels less contrived imo. Park Hill is also walkable and is a gorgeous neighborhood with lots of old, unique bungalows and Victorians that should be within your budget.

      Both Park Hill and Stapleton are airport accessible.

      As far as cool places to live that are closer to the action, I’d look at Baker and Capitol Hill. That’s where you’ll find your boutiques and cafes and great food.

      1. Denver Bound from NC*

        Your review of Stapleton is spot on! We like the amenities and green space but I get hives thinking about boring white bread suburbia. My husband and I have both lived abroad and love to travel (I’m a dual citizen) so we are hoping to find a bit of diversity in terms of people and food. At one of his military duty stations there was ONE (1) ethnic restaurant and we swore we’d never go back to those dark ages.

        1. Smeralda*

          Ooh yeah then Stapleton is probably not your cup of tea. Is there any kind of cuisine / culture you’re looking for in particular? Denver has great Mexican and Vietnamese food.

          1. Denver Bound from NC*

            Any hope for good Indian food? Tikka masala is legit comfort food in our house. YES on good Mexican food. That’s our second favorite.

            1. Smeralda*

              Yes! There are some great Indian options (I love Little India) and also lots of decent Chinese places

      2. Generic Name*

        Yeah, I personally wouldn’t live in Stapleton due to environmental contamination in addition to these factors. It was built on the old Stapleton airport and there are areas where waste was dumped that had to be cleaned up. The levels at the site, to my knowledge, comply with state standards for residential uses, but I personally would not knowingly live on or near one of those sites (I’ve been working in the environmental business for about 15 years).

        1. Denver Bound from NC*

          This is really helpful (and I had no idea). It’s hard to get a handle on safer environment areas. Ex. fracking is happening 500 meters from some houses in Broomfield – yikes! Are there any areas of Denver or it’s suburbs that you would recommend?

    5. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      It’s been a while since I lived there but I used to live in the Cherry Creek area and I liked it quite a bit. Might be a little expensive though. Public transportation, especially to the airport, has improved exponentially since I lived there.

      1. Denver Bound from NC*

        Cherry Creek looks gorgeous but definitely feels pricier. I assume it’s because of the schools?

        1. Smeralda*

          Yeah Cherry Creek is expensive and kind of elite-y in my experience. Not real diverse. Lots of expensive, designer stores.

          Wash Park is close by and can be pricey but a lot cooler, I think.

          1. Denver Bound from NC*

            I grew up in an elite-y town and don’t have fond memories of most of my classmates. Haven’t bought new clothes in years, much less designer label stuff! What makes Wash Park cool?

            2. 2QS*

              Off-topic given the thread, but…darn, I know this feeling so well. My family was newly upper middle class and had the choice of several elementary schools, and at the one my parents decided to send me to, I probably came from the lower end of the income spread. Intellectually, it was a very good match for me, and the school had top-notch facilities, so I stayed. After four years or so, I finally made a friend! Ahem.

              In the meantime, it was such a bizarre world. All-day birthday parties, located across several rental locations, with entire casts of adult characters hired for the occasion. Custom dollhouses, 1/12″ scale, to match the house they were in, with people who looked just like the family members (kind of creepy). Poverty was acknowledged, briefly, as a distant concern affecting some hypothetical proportion of the population – out there somewhere, surely, maybe? But that was all. Oh, and the amount of travel people’s families were doing! At one point, everyone in my class got to fill out a long piece of paper with the name of a country they’d visited, and then we’d put them all up on the classroom wall to see where everyone had been. Like most white folks who grew up in Canada, I’d stuck close to the border and had been to the U.S. a few times, so I had that. But given public airing, I was a bit ashamed that my experience was so limited compared with the huge number of places most of my classmates had been, a lot farther than short border hops. Keeping in mind that this was during the year when most of us were not yet seven years old. (My only private consolation, given moderate childhood embarrassment, was that I wasn’t the worst off. I quietly noticed that there was one unfortunate kid – already picked on for various terrible reasons – who had never left Canada at all and so had to ask our teacher for special assistance. That kid’s form did end up going onto the wall with everyone else’s, but it bore the comparatively underwhelming caption “______________ has been to Vancouver,” which I’m sure was much more humiliating than my experience.)

              I noped out in my teens as soon as I discovered the frugal options. Not only did I start going to thrift shops and used bookstores, I eventually began making my own clothes. The horror!

              1. Anonnington*

                I relate. I was always drawing horses and the kids would yell, “Why don’t you just BUY a horse?” Like that was more reasonable than doing sketches of horses . . . Yeah. I had to try and explain money and how it’s finite.

                And vacations . . . “What’s Wisconsin? WE went to Paris and then we went skiing in the Alps. Why would you go to a lake?” Well……..

                I befriended the other kids who weren’t rich or were just misfits. We were an interesting bunch.

          2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

            It wasn’t all that posh when I lived there, at least not in the bit next to Chesman Park. I’m definitely not from a wealthy background!

            1. Lost in the Woods*

              Cherry Creek has gentrified really really fast in the past few years. It’s now very expensive and fancy.

    6. From Denver Area*

      I would give Louisville a second look. While its neighborhoods are a bit sleepy, it has a great and fairly busy Main Street with lots of local business and it’s only a 15 minute drive away from Boulder, which has all the amenities you’d expect in a college town plus amazing parks and trails. Also, the public schools in Louisville are really good and it’s a very family friendly community (lots of free public family events, especially in summer, for instance).

      Honestly, Boulder sounds like it might be what you’re looking for ideally, but you probably will have trouble finding a house in your price range.

      1. talos*

        They’re also going to have a hard time getting to the airport from Boulder…

        Otherwise though I agree.

        1. Denver Bound from NC*

          We went hiking in Boulder (gorgeous!) but yes the real estate is absolutely eye watering. We would like to be able to buy a house and still be able to send our kid to college lol.

      2. Denver Bound from NC*

        We spent several days in Louisville (the library is gorgeous!) at the start of 2019 and really enjoyed it. Especially the mulled wine at Por. How would you describe the friendliness to transplants? If it’s not too political, are you able to share where most folks land on the progressive-conservative spectrum? We’re in a blue part of a purple state right now but we’ve lived in deep red areas before and it’s not a match.

    7. Celestial being on a bike*

      I’m up in Longmont which is too far from the airport it sounds like although the route has little traffic. But it’s great here. We chose it because it’s close to Boulder where my husband works but the houses here aren’t a million bucks. Very progressive governance and wonderful schools. Municipal gigabit internet. Easy hop into the mountains (no skiing for us though). I70 is such a traffic mess these days that we head north for mountain fun.

      I’ve lived in Golden too and love it. Lots of character and recreation.

      I was here 20 years ago, left, and came back in 2018. Traffic is now really bad and I’m glad I do not have to take 25 or 36 every day. The weather is amazing, though, and the cycling is a dream.

      I can’t think of anything too surprising. Real estate is expensive so don’t expect a big lot. That’s ok since parks and open space are everywhere. Mexican restaurants are different from what you find in the South ( I’m a southerner) and “southern food” here is not good. And if you drive a shiny new 4runner, expect to be judged! Ha, get a beat up Tacoma instead.

        1. Celestial being on a bike*

          It’s not the Subaru heaven I remember from the past, but there are still loads of them. Jeeps and Toyotas are around every corner. And, strangely enough, 2005 Honda Accords. I see them everywhere. :-)

          1. Denver Bound from NC*

            Funnily enough my husband has a Honda Accord! We’d be looking to swap out my vehicle for something mountain ready. My job is fully remote minus travel to visit clients so no daily commute to worry about. I’ve lived 1-2 hours from a major airport in the past and it’s do-able but more unpleasant than you’d expect. After a long business trip you just want to be home. Have you had any negative experiences with oil and gas wells in Longmont?

            1. Celestial being on a bike*

              Many new developments here are on or near old oil fields (also on old landfills) but we’re surrounded by farms instead. The recently problematic former gas sites nearby are further east, at least the ones I’ve heard about are east of 25.

              That said, I hope your move goes well. We love it here.

    8. Generic Name*

      Your budget looks reasonable for the area. That’s the first thing I tell people who move here from out of state, be prepared for sticker shock. Are you committed to Denver proper, or would you be open to surrounding towns/suburbs? I’m sure I’m biased, but I think Jefferson County Public Schools is one of the best districts in the state. Better than Denver Public Schools. I love Lakewood, it has cute older houses, and all of Jeffco has great access to parks and trails. Littleton is great too, but can be more expensive than Lakewood. Then there’s the vast tracts of unincorporated county areas, which are definitely the suburbs. You’ll hear people gushing about Highlands Ranch, but it’s full of giant cookie cutter suburban houses and chain restaurants, and although lots of people love the schools there, the school board is packed with right-wing pro “vouchers to use public money to send kids to religious private schools” Americans for Prosperity/Koch bros people.

      1. Denver Bound from NC*

        You sound like our people! We’re open to suburbs of Denver, just ideally trying to stay close(r) to the airport. Highlands Ranch is definitely off our list – we’ve lived in a lot of red areas (Military life) and would prefer somewhere more progressive.

    9. Anon for this*

      I would love your take on your current area as it appeals to me. (You said you’re in CH rather than Raleigh?) Is it beautiful or is it just in the middle of west (mountains) and east (beach)? Are public schools good, esp for gifted? What neighborhoods are walkable and family friendly? Thanks SO much and good luck with CO. :)

      1. Denver Bound from NC*

        Sure thing! Chapel Hill is beautiful on its own – so much lush greenery. The downtown area has a lot of charm and there are great restaurants both around the UNC campus and scattered elsewhere in town. Plus Durham and Raleigh restaurants aren’t more than 20-30 minutes away. You’re 2.5 hours from the beach and 2.5 hours from the mountains. Summers are rough (so. Humid.) but the spring and fall are out of this world. Chapel Hill has some of the best schools in the state. I don’t know about gifted programs specifically but my colleague has twin boys in a public language immersion school that they love. Walkable can be hit or miss but generally the neighborhoods surrounding UNC campus have good sidewalks because #students.

    10. Lost in the Woods*

      Unfortunately, there is really no good place to live reasonably near Denver proper where DIA is not kind of a hike. They built it out there so they could expand hugely (DIA has a land area literally double the size of Manhattan, it’s the fifth busiest airport in the country). I live in east Denver and it typically takes me an hour to get to DIA. I’m unsure of how long it would take, but you could live in Golden – which is a super fun town with great hiking – take the train to Union Station and then switch to the train to the airport, which would at least allow you to not worry about a car. The train also makes downtown Denver pretty accessible from Golden, so you kind of get the best of both worlds – a smaller, college- town kind of feel (Golden has the Colorado School of Mines, which is primarily an engineering school) with access to the city center when you want it. I lived in Golden for a summer doing research at Mines and I absolutely loved it.

      Look for swamp coolers. AC works out here, but swamp coolers are better – they’re almost nonexistent in most of the country because they only work in really dry environments. I’d also really recommend reading *Where the Water Goes: Life and Death Along the Colorado River* by David Owen, which is a nuanced and interesting discussion about a really important political topic in Colorado (water use).

    11. NaoNao*

      Lakewood and Bel Mar are two very under-rated gems in Denver. The Colfax area of Lakewood can get a bit dicey, but the Bel Mar side is full of very charming homes from the ’60’s. I also recommend the Tennyson district it’s delightful.

      It’s not near the airport (45 min drive, BUT you can hop on a train very easily that is a straight shot, and the train is 5 min from this area) but Virginia Village, Virginia Vale, and Goldsmith as well as Corey Merrill area are **amazing**. Its 15 min at most from downtown, full of mid-mod impeccable homes that are Architectural Digest worthy. A few fixer uppers that might be steals. Close to Cherry Creek—10 min drive. Close to stores, close to the train station, 20 min to the southern areas like Littleton. Close to DU, close to Cherry Creek State Park, etc etc (in case you can’t tell this is my ‘hood). If you like a Palm Desert or California mid-mod house vibe, this is your area.

      The biggest tips I have:

      Be very careful about the area you choose. Do a thorough “sniff check” literally. Areas like Cap Hill and University or Congress or Observatory Park are beautiful and have charming homes—-where 7 college students who smoke weed all day every day live and it can get DANKY. (#notallofthembutmanyofthem)

      Aside from rent, Denver is **expensive**. There’s a place called Atomic Pizza and Denver Biscuit Co. I once ordered a single cocktail and a single biscuit with butter and jam, the bill was $20 before tip.

      The traffic is rough. Rush hour starts around 3 and lasts until 7, but there is steady, consistent traffic **all hours**. DO NOT plan on “just bopping up” to the mountains on a nice day or off the cuff. The traffic in nice weather or during ski season is miserable and there’s no way around it.

      Denver is…not super diverse (compared to other cities I’ve lived in) and you can really feel that in certain areas. There is a very thin covering of liberal values + legal weed but scratch that and you find some INTENSE red-state values in many places.

      Speaking for myself, I’ve had some trouble connecting with childless (or with grown and flown kids) people here. Most people seem to be young college students (with whom I have very little in common), hard working 25 year old marketing coordinators working in the tech field, or late 30 something with kids couples who live in the ‘burbs. If you have kids, it’s great. If you are super into outdoors-y stuff and like to drink, and are a certain kind of….really bubbly and easy going and upbeat person who is not super into “artsy fartsy” stuff, it’s a breeze! You may have to work harder to find the bookish type, artsy types, childless older people, etc.

      16th street and downtown is a very mixed experience. There is a huge homeless issue that has shifted (for the better/not sure?) to tent camping outright along Colfax/13th/14th/Lincoln/Broadway–basically the capitol building row there. 16th street is quiet now but usually full of beggars, buskers, scam artists, very intoxicated people, drug users—especially on a Friday night.

      The suburbs are nice…for families. They feel very bland and prefab (especially places like Parker/DTC/Centennial) and they are designed for single family with car(s) living. No sidewalks, no trees or few immature trees, McMansions with no yards and no privacy, tons of depressing strip malls and/or “Towne Centres”, tons of razed naked wilderness waiting to be developed. Just do your research before agreeing to move to Castle Rock :)

      1. Smeralda*

        I’m sorry to hear you’ve had trouble finding your people in Denver! The artists are *definitely* there.

        For finding them, I’d recommend the Mercury Cafe (weekly salsa dancing and poetry slams), St Marks Cafe (where all of Denver’s artists and their mothers congregate throughout the evening to type out their novels), and other art-freak gems like the Gypsy Cafe and the gallery district on Santa Fe. If you like supporting young artists I would 100% recommend going to a show at Denver School of the Arts. Crazy talent in their theatre and orchestral departments. And for just a general artsy vibe? Take a stroll down Broadway.

        Also, Denver is not as diverse as some other cities but we are pretty diverse if you know where to look! East Colfax for example is a major hub for refugee resettlement. Drive down Yosemite and you’ll see carnicerias next to pupuserias next to Burmese groceries next to Somali convenience stores (always good deals on tamarind).

        And yes I agree 100% that the burbs can get icky and conservative, but we have so much more to offer than that noise!

  13. The Big Flower Fight (Netflix Show)*

    Have you watched “The Big Flower Fight” on Netflix?

    I love it and I would love to get other people’s thoughts on some non-spoiler aspects!

    Question #1 – Do we really think they built that giant dome just for the show?

    Question #2 – Where do all the flowers come from? Do we think there was a local nursery/florist flower shortage due to the show needing soooo many plants?

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I binged it in about three days, and loved it.

      Yes I do think they built it for the show, but I think the cost of doing so will have paled into insignificance compared to the cost of plants.

      I think it will have been filmed at a venue with its own nursery (when I’ve finished commenting I’ll look it up) and they will have grown to order with months of planning, and put unused plants into their own shop.

      My big question was what they did with the installations after each round. The best explanation I can come up with is that they were probably displayed at the venue (presumably without notes on placing) as part of their summer offering last year.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I’m afraid I can’t answer your questions, although I’ve seen local nurseries that have as many plants as were typically available for the show (if not necessarily in the same varieties), so it doesn’t seem impossible that they could have stocked their selection without stripping all the local nurseries.

      One of *my* “I wonder” questions about the show had to do with liability insurance {wry grin} – the teams having to wrestle with some of those oversized armatures seemed pretty risky!

      I binge-watched the show and really loved it; unusual and inventive, and the teams were fun to watch. (It also made a nice change from the foodie shows I’ve been watching lately!)

    3. fposte*

      I have no answers, but I really liked this show. Natasha Demetriou was an amazing host (I love Vic Reeves, but he doesn’t seem to have found his hosting groove yet) and the teams were so lovely.

      1. Triumphant Fox*

        LOVE Natasha but I agree that Vic just seemed to fade into the background. The contestants were lovely and their interactions with one another felt very Great British Bakeoff. I found Kristen to be annoying. I think I wanted him to be more Tim Gunn mentor role and instead he felt more judgmental and less helpful.

        The only weird thing about that show is I didn’t think it was very clear how they were doing the armatures. In the first episode, someone had designed the different structures and they they made them find the pieces, which seemed bizarre. From then on it was unclear if they designed things from scratch or they were pre-made.

        1. fposte*

          Yeah, I didn’t really fall for Kristen. I’m okay with him not being Tim Gunn but he just didn’t make that big an impact on me.

          This is also an interesting one for me as, much as I love gardening, I have no idea how to judge what they’re doing. I mean, when something plummets to the floor I can see that’s not good, but I have no idea whether I respect the judges or not.

      2. Not a cat*

        Natasha is perfect! They should have considered her for the next iteration of GBBO. Natasha and Noel….my idea of heaven!

        1. fposte*

          What’s funny is I had just finished What We Do in the Shadows, so apparently I’m following her around.

    4. Just a PM*

      I loved it too! I thought the built the dome just for the show, but perhaps (if they’re going to film more seasons) it’s being used as storage by the gardens or wherever it was filmed?

      My biggest gripe about the show was in that one episode when one of the teams looked like they wouldn’t finish and other people ran over to help them but the judges stopped them. On the one hand, I can understand the judges’ concerns about how to do the judging on group work but on the other, it seemed…distasteful, maybe? I don’t know of any other competition series like that where people were specifically told not to help that to have seen it just really rubbed me the wrong way. Did anyone else feel perturbed by that scene?

      1. Triumphant Fox*

        Definitely. I think it was more that guest judge who was super indignant about the whole thing. Just factor in that others helped them into your decision. It is not that hard.

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re the judges telling the other teams to stop helping – I definitely noticed it, as some of the other shows have featured people helping each other for last-minute plating and whatnot, usually shown as a positive thing (especially on the shows involving kids – though even then, if one of the helpers still has work of their own to do, I think I’ve seen the judges nudge them to look to their own plates before helping others). On the flower show, I seem to recall there was a LOT left to do, and all (or almost all) of the other teams were joining in, and it did feel a bit much… Maybe the judges just didn’t want to set a precedent, especially if they would then have to take the “how much help did they get” factor into account during judging?

  14. Brob*

    Hi, I asked this question a few weeks ago but it was deleted– I think it was my fault for not being clear that I was really asking for advice and not just venting. Can anyone give me any ideas on how to overcome my throat culture phobia? I haven’t been able to tolerate one since I was a child. I have a bad gag reflex, I can’t even tolerate a tongue depressor, and just the thought of anyone poking a swab in my throat makes me upset. But that means I’ll never be able to be tested for Coronavirus or anything else. I really want to conquer this phobia, any suggestions please?

    1. Anonymous for This*

      You have probably already considered this (and it may be less helpful for a true phobia vs. just a general discomfort) but they make some pretty strong throat numbing sprays that might help. There’s the normal ones for when you have a sore throat that taste dreadful and then there’s, ahem, some adult themed brands that are more tolerable.

      Again, doesn’t address the underlying gag reflex but if you find yourself in need of medical care before you’re ready, they can help you stay safe!

      1. RagingADHD*

        I would think the medicated ones would ruin the test. They usually contain alcohol or other antiseptic ingredients.

        That would interfere with culturing whatever you’re swabbing for, wouldn’t it?

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I think so. Many testing instructions say that you aren’t allowed to eat or drink anything for an hour or two before the test.

    2. Washi*

      Have you tried exposure therapy? I think that’s the typical treatment for phobias, and I would imagine you could find a professional to help you through telehealth visits, since unlike a phobia of heights or something, you could do the exposure practice while sitting with your therapist.

      There are also a lot of books out there that talk about exposure therapy and have exercises – for example, I have a different kind of anxiety but I loved “Overcoming Intrusive Thoughts” by Sally Winston and that had a whole section on exposure exercises and good explanations of tolerating distress and ways you could start small and build up.

    3. matcha123*

      Do you brush your tongue when you brush your teeth? Maybe start with brushing/scraping your tongue when you brush your teeth to get used to the sensation?
      I gag when I scrape further back in my throat, but I honestly think that most people do the same?

    4. 2QS*

      I was tested for coronavirus last weekend, and fully expected a throat swab – but it wasn’t! It was nasopharyngeal, as in pushed back into each nostril. Not the most fun in the world but might mean that (at least in this case) gag reflex wouldn’t enter into it.

      Also, this is going to sound offbeat, but seriously, some speech pathologists do a lot of work with patients having trouble with swallowing (dysphagia, etc.) – maybe worth investigating? They’re thoroughly trained not just in phonetics but in anatomy.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Depends where you live? Here it’s nose and throat but spit tests may come in.

        1. fposte*

          Even the spit tests are just that–there’s no throat swab involved. So Brob is going to struggle with, say, a strep culture but it’s not going to affect coronavirus tests.

    6. Alex*

      I don’t have a throat swab phobia, but I did have an eye exam phobia with the same sort of results. This was very inconvenient because I have problematic eyes. I would get so stressed out about the exam that I could barely complete it, and a few times couldn’t complete all parts of it. My eyes literally would just not open. I couldn’t make them open.

      What helped me was finding a doctor I felt very much at ease with–for me this meant a woman with a very soft manner. I told her about my phobia and she was understanding and had a “NBD” kind of way about the exam, and I was much more at ease and actually able to complete it.

      1. Mimmy*

        I have occasional issues with eye exams as well – what is yours specifically, if you don’t mind my asking?

        My problem is that I’m photo-phobic (I think due to lack of natural lenses), so any light that gets shone on my eyes–no matter how dim–is torture. One exam in particular is when they shine the light, then add the little magnifying dome–AHHHHH!! :'(

    7. Anxious cat servant*

      I have a hair-trigger gag reflex but no phobia so I don’t know if this helps but for me what helps me power through tong depressors and my bi-yearly strep throat tests (for some reason I get strep incredibly easily) is being fatalistic. I will gag, it will be unpleasant, and there’s a chance I’ll throw up. It sucks but it won’t cause any permanent harm.

      For whatever reason the acceptance keeps my brain from spiraling out further and puts it more in the category of washing particularly dirty dishes.

      1. hermit crab*

        I’m exactly the same – I sometimes have trouble brushing my teeth and have learned the hard way not to put something in my mouth for a second when my hands are busy. There are certain kinds of, um, adult activities that are completely off the table, LOL. As an adult, I don’t have the fear component, but as a kid I was so, so scared and traumatized by the dental impressions you get before/during orthodontia. I really hope the technique for those is better now.

        Anyway, as ThatGirl recommends, really focusing on your breathing can help. Something else that helps me is that I memorized a couple of poems a long time ago. If something physically stressful is happening and I just have to get through it (e.g., a blood draw or pap smear), I can focus on silently reciting the poem and it kind of blocks out the stressful stimuli.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Ugh, the dental impressions. I had to have some taken earlier this year and they make me gag, but the dental hygienist showed me a trick that actually works — tilt your head forward, chin down near your chest, and focus on breathing through your nose. Tilting your head forward closes up your throat so you don’t feel like the clay-like stuff they use is getting in your airway.

            1. allathian*

              I had braces as an adult and the tip you mentioned worked wonders. I also asked the dentist to lift the back of the chair so I was sitting upright rather than lying down, that was great.

        2. allathian*

          Certain adult activities are completely off the table for me too, for the reason you mention. I threw up once during, and now they’re off the table for my husband, too. LOL

    8. ThatGirl*

      I had a pretty bad gag reflex as a kid. Threw up on my dentist once. What’s helped me as an adult is to focus on breathing through my nose. You could try it at home with something that might otherwise make you gag, in small increments, and try to work your way up. Once it’s in your mouth, just breathe in deeply through your nose -helps remind your brain you are getting enough oxygen.

    9. Mimmy*

      Thank you for posting this – I’m not phobic but I have an easily-triggered gag reflex and can’t STAND the tongue depressor. The responses given by everyone so far could be a big help to me (and hopefully to you too!)

    10. fhqwhgads*

      Taking this from a different angle…everyone I know who has been tested for COVID-19 was tested via nasal swab, not throat culture. I’m not saying there isn’t a throat culture test, but I do not believe it’s the most common method. So if part of your immediate concern is the pandemic, this phobia is unlikely to affect your ability to get tested for that. Likewise, strep and flu tests are in my experience usually a cheek swab, not a throat swab. Do you have the same reaction to something touching the inside of your cheek? Are you sure that in your area these tests are generally done by throat swab? If you have an immediate need to get tested for something you can probably ask the doctor if they have tests that are cheek or nose or even a finger stick and not a swab at all, and they may be able to accommodate you that way.

    11. Might Be Spam*

      My gag reflex is so bad at the dentist, that staff in other rooms come in to make sure things are ok. We finally worked it out so they don’t let me see anything that will go in my mouth. Not even toothpaste. They hide everything behind me. I try to keep my eyes closed and they tell me everything that they are doing. The combination of trusting them to tell me what is going on and not being able to see it, really helps. I lift my hand if I feel my gag reflex start and they back off until I’m ready.
      Fortunately we got a system worked out before I needed the root canal. I also mentally imagine that I’m doing Tai Chi movements to help distract myself. A progressive muscle relaxation podcast may help distract you.

      1. Loves Libraries*

        I get Valium for anything other than a cleaning. Staff and I are so much happier. Also love, love laughing gas!

    12. Sylvan*

      I have an issue with things being put in my mouth. Telling doctors/dentists beforehand helps, especially if there’s anything simple or easy that helps. (If you hate seeing the swab being held near your face, tell them you’re going to close your eyes?) It can be good to ask about alternatives for whatever they need to do – sometimes there is another way to do things.

    13. nnn*

      I don’t know if you’ve tried this already, but I find singing a low note while I’m being swabbed opens up the path to the point that they need to swab as much as possible. Basically emulating a basso profundo opera singer (which is particularly ridiculous since I’m a lyric soprano).

      It doesn’t eliminate the phobia or the gag reflex, but it reduces the need for tongue depressor because it gets your tongue out of the way and keeps it from fighting the swab. It’s a brief moment of ick rather than a whole battle.

        1. demosthenes*

          I know this is very late but I’m catching up. After I pushed a nurse over for taking a strep test culture, an experienced nurse gave us a tip. They gave me the cotton gauze squares to hold, one above my tongue and one under. I held with both hands on each side of my tongue and when I had a natural instinct to push the nurse or move back, I held tighter for a few seconds. Giving my mind something else to focus one helped. And I certainly wouldn’t bit my own fingers so I was able to keep my mouth open. Also generally brushing my tongue and focusing on breathing through my nose helped desensitize me in general.

  15. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    Parents of one/two-year-olds: what items or furniture would you most recommend?
    I mean:
    – bed wise, what type? I read about toddler beds but also, just a baby bed until 3yrs, and then big bed right away?
    – for clothing storage, just a drawer of do I need hanger space from the get-go
    – diaper station, and recommendations?

    – smaller items: anything a new (foster) parent might not think of but will be helpful?? Age range is likely to be 1-3yrs, and after the call it might be very fast, so I am trying to prep wherever possible.

    1. Denver Bound from NC*

      One year old mom here!

      – Everything I read says to keep them in a crib as long as you can, up to 3 years unless they are actively climbing out. Once they can leave their bed, you have permanently changed the game (have to baby proof the entire room, travel can be a bear because they won’t want to go back to sleep in a pack n play etc)

      – Drawer space is fine! We rotate through the same half dozen easy outfits that we keep right next to the changing table. We have hangers too but we just never actually use them day to day.

      – Diaper station. Don’t bother with a wipes warmer. Dries out the wipes and only warms the top couple wipes. Vaseline or Aquaphor for diaper rash. Diaper genie or Ubbi for dirty diapers.

      Misc:
      – if kiddo has a favorite stuffed animal/lovey BUY MORE. And rotate them all through the wash regularly so they’re equally “worn”
      – a Boon drying rack for all the tiny parts from bottles and sippy cups is great if you have the counter space to spare
      – “toys” can very very easily be plastic cups and wooden spoons and nesting bowls initially. Make your own water table with any large enough container plus random kitchen items or bath toys
      – portable sound machine! We use the Yogasleep Hushh. Perfect size and has a mini nightlight for middle of the night check ins
      – EzPz feeding mats. They suction to the table and can reduce (not eliminate…) mealtime mess

      While you’re waiting, you may find it soothing to channel some of your energy to researching kid friendly recipes or even making some foods in advance. Kiddo and I both LOVE banana pancakes so I make huge batches and freeze them. Thaw in the microwave or toaster oven for an easy meal or snack. I try to sneak veggies into everything (hint zucchini is virtually tasteless in baked goods with cinnamon and vanilla).

      Good luck!!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Oh, thank you so much! All of these are so helpful! I have never thought about double buying stuffed animals but that is the BEST idea :0

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Also helps for when the child’s sleep buddy gets lost… when I had to replace the magic blanket I got 3.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        I always just stuck the wipe in my bra while getting the kid in order; it was warm enough.

        We wound up putting the twin mattress on the floor for a bit for my youngest; he was a very active kid, even in his sleep, and that way he can’t fall off the floor, and once he is largely sleeping on the mattress, I’ll put a bed under it. Worked just fine, although it horrified my mother.

    2. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      Beds – echo stay in a crib as long as they can, and then have something ready for after. I don’t think the “big kid bed” vs toddler conversion kit matters much except that when they’re able to escape the crib you need to transition pretty quickly.
      We just did drawers with clothes separated, no need for hangers. We also just did the changing table on top of that dresser.
      Echo that toys can be anything. Plastic bowls are amazing.
      Baby gates/pack n play/bouncy chair/something to contain them while you’re doing a hot stove or have to go to the bathroom are pretty important.
      I ended up spending a lot of time in the kitchen with mine (prepping bottles/snacks/meals), and so having their space with a small table and where we could lay out toys (lots of measuring spoons, later dried beans to pour once they wouldn’t just scatter them everywhere/eat them) was really helpful. With our first, that was far enough from the oven and she stayed engaged enough with it that I could open/close the oven without needing to contain her

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thank you! My kitchen is ridiculously narrow so I am afraid that won’t work. But I will put a pack and play on my list; I hadn’t thought of that yet!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Cover that pack and play with a bedspread, leaving an air gap, and you are set for cold camping trips too.

    3. legalchef*

      My little dude just turned 3. A one/two year old is likely still in a crib, and as the person above me said, keep them in there until you can’t anymore! My son is still in a crib because he hasn’t shown any interest in climbing out of his “cribby.” After the crib you can either do a toddler bed or a regular bed with rails on the side so they don’t fall out. Some cribs convert to toddler beds, and they also sell separate toddler beds (though if I was going to buy a new bed I’d just buy a twin bed and rails).

      Drawers only are fine. My son doesn’t have a closet in his room, and I’m not sure he ever had anything I need to keep hanging, other than coats, and if he did I would just put it in a different closet.

      For toys, depending on how young/mobile they are, a push walker is great. Also a ride on car is great for toddlers. A pull toy that they can walk around dragging behind them. My son devours books – even when he was younger and didn’t know his letters he loved to be read to. A play kitchen, music table, mega blocks (like big legos), bristle blocks, crayons and paper, etc. See if there’s a buy-nothing group in your area, a lot of this stuff (and more) can be found there.

      Other stuff: I use ikea plates and bowls and he liked the munchkin spoons when he was younger. Drs day to avoid sippy cups; we went from bottles to Philip’s avent straw cups to munchkin 360 cups. A diaper clutch can be really useful when out.

      But in reality the biggest thing a baby that age needs besides food is love and comfort.

      1. Clisby*

        Second all the comments that the time to abandon the crib is when the toddler starts climbing out. This was at 18 months for my daughter. We moved her to a regular mattress placed right on the floor, so that even if she rolled off it there wouldn’t be much damage done. This was a king-sized mattress, and I don’t think she ever did roll off. I can’t even remember when she moved to a true bed.

      2. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        “But in reality the biggest thing a baby that age needs besides food is love and comfort.”

        Those will be very freely available!

    4. Cardsfan*

      Keep some hypoallergenic shampoo/baby wash on hand. Foster kids don’t always arrive sparkling clean, plus a bath can be soothing once some trust is established.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        If you don’t have a bathtub, a baby bath may be useful, and plenty of pouring/floating/squirting toys in bright colours. These need to be allowed to dry after every use and occasionally bleached, in both cases to prevent mould build up.

        I wouldn’t bother with special baby towels, but if your towels are very large then some slightly smaller ones might be useful – the size you’d take to the pool.

        I agree with others that drawers are far more useful than hanging space, though I think this slightly depends on wardrobe. My active sons never had dresses needing painstaking ironing, but a child with a fancier wardrobe would need hanging space. Drawer units and other heavy furniture do definitely need to be firmly fixed to the wall as they can and do kill children.

        Blackout blinds or curtains/drapes for the bedroom can be very useful to support sleep routines – you can get these everywhere but we’ve been very pleased with ours from IKEA. Again, look out for child-friendly cords and/or fix up out of reach (there are products to retrofit existing fixtures).

        Actually a trip to IKEA would be very useful if yours is open. The ANTILOP high chair is simply the best for comfort and safety in use, and for ease of cleaning, and it stores very small when not in use. An older child who doesn’t need a high chair but struggles with a regular chair can use URBAN or AGAM and we found we had far less fidgeting. You can also get a stash of KALAS flatware and cutlery in bright unbreakable plastic.

        Good luck.

        1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

          Thanks so much! Definitely building an IKEA list (they are open here, and I can do pick-up). I will probably order right when I know the actual age and some more information.

        2. Aza*

          Seconding blackout curtains if you’re able. We got ours at Target- I think they’re cloud island.

          Some kind of white noise machine is probably a good idea- it muffles the sound of you outside the room so hopefully they sleep better. We used an old iPhone with a free app for 2 years but it just died (it was probably for the best, since at 2 she definitely wanted to mess with the phone). Pink noise is nice.

          Oh, and make sure to anchor dressers, shelving, and anything else that might fall if the kid pulls or climbs on it. They sell anchors that you attach to the wall. You may also want to proactively clear out the bottom 2 shelves of bookcases (we moved our books and now store toy bins there) /bottom cabinets (or get a kid lock). We have childproof locks on any cabinets with cleaning supplies or medicine- important!

          We just installed locks for the cabinets where it’s not a safety issue, but an annoyance one (like the ones with tupperware).

          And you may want to make sure to have a thermometer and kids ibuprofen on hand.

          Depending on how your doors are you may want to make sure you can lock them/unlock them. Our inner doors have a little wire universal key that we keep above the door in case she locks herself in her room. If you have round door knobs they also have little plastic things that go over so it’s harder for them to open. We have levered doors but can use the deadbolt.

          1. Um, yeah, no*

            Toddlers can be wily, I recommend literally crawling around the house to spot dangers a kid might get in to (cords, breakables, etc). Also, move breakable items now, and make sure kids room is kid safe always. I had to have a lockable dresser, because one kid was monkey- like in his ability to climb or turn things into climbing gyms. He was moved out of the crib and onto a mattress on the floor at a year.

      2. Renèe*

        Yes! I was a foster parent for many years. Another thing you never think of is lice treatment. We had several placements come with lice. I am a big fan of Fairytales lice shampoo and leave in spray and a robicomb.

        1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

          Thank you, and Cardsfan! Yet another thing I hadn’t thought of yet.
          The kiddo wil likely have been in care for some time due to how the system works here (only crisis placements arrive virtually out of the blue, and I am up for long term only), but those are good items to have on hand regardless. And now my head is itchy due to imaginary lice :’)

    5. Nancy*

      My children have only ever had drawers; they’ve never needed any hanging space, apart from hooks for coats. I have a feeling that mine were 2-2.5 when they moved to a big bed. Basically when they were able to climb out of the cot on their own. For me the most important thing about bedding has been the waterproof mattress protector – makes it so much easier to deal with accidents (still true – like the time I managed to throw coffee all over MY bed!).

      1. RagingADHD*

        Also, get some of those waterproof crib pads or incontinence pads. When they are potty training in the big kid bed, you can make the bed in lasange layers: waterproof, a towel, fitted sheet.

        That way when they wet the bed, you can just snatch off a layer and put them back to sleep. If you have to remake the bed from scratch, everyone will be too awake to go back down.

    6. Ranon*

      For a bed, we just use a floor bed (i.e. mattress on the floor). Can’t fall out of a floor bed. Once he started trying to climb out of the crib (around 15 months?) we started with the crib mattress on the floor and upgraded to a folding foam mattress when the toddler made the executive decision that that was where he sleeps now (we were using it as a spare when the grownups got sick/ needed to sleep separately). Downsides are it’s hard to get up from for the grownups and no storage underneath. Keeping them in the crib is all fine and well but once they’re climbing it’s not safe and you won’t know if you’ll get a climber or not so best to plan on not being able to contain them I think.

      My child is 3.5 and I’ve never hung up a piece of his clothing for any reason other than drying it, a dresser works great and can double as a changing table, although with a toddler of unknown flailing for diaper changes I’d make sure you have a good floor plan for diaper changes (again, can’t fall off the floor)

      Toys can multiply fast so something to chuck them in is good- we have an Ikea trofast thingy but I think if I were doing it again I’d just get a few tub trugs, hard plastic gets dragged over our hardwood floors in a way the softer plastics don’t. Plus you can use them for laundry baskets or gardening or baths or whatever too (the tub trugs that is)

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        To echo the floor bed idea, a large dog bed actually makes a great toddler bed once they are out of the crib. Sounds weird but true and often very affordable. They are usually easy to clean and designed (sometimes) for dogs with arthritis so are pretty comfortable. You can have one in your room to keep the toddler out of your bed or for travel.

      2. allathian*

        My son absolutely refused to lie down on the changing table once he was old enough to walk and we switched to pull-up diapers. So if your foster kid is slightly older, you may get away with not having a changing table.
        My son never tried to climb out of his crib, but we switched to a toddler bed when he was 3 and he grew too heavy for me to lift above waist height.

    7. Parenthetically*

      Bed: I have a pack and play with a snug-fitting mattress in it for my almost-three-year-old, and he’s been in it since he outgrew his bassinet. It’s sized for a fitted crib sheet — no blankets or pillows as long as they’re in a crib, is the rule — but it’s fully waterproof.

      Changing: We’ve always had a diaper changing pad on top of a low dresser as our changing stations, but plenty of people just throw a towel on the bed or the couch or the floor and have a little basket of diaper things in each room.

      Misc: I HIGHLY recommend the LectroFan Micro as a sound machine — it’s cheap, charges fast (no plug-in = no problems if your power goes out with summer storms), has a variety of sounds, lasts all night easily, is portable in case you need to do a nap on the go, and is about the size of a jar of eye cream.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Once you do move them out of the crib, don’t bother buying a fancy toddler bed. Especially if you need to hand the crib down to someone. Just go to a twin. Otherwise, you’ll have to buy a twin mattress in a couple years once they outgrow the crib mattress. If you want to put the crib mattress on the floor, or borrow a frame, go for it. But you’ve got better things to spend your money on than a specific toddler sized bed that will only fit for a year or 3.

    9. HBJ*

      My children sleep in a pack n’ play until the next baby needs it, lol. So, my 3yo moved out of it just past two. We moved her to a twin mattress on the floor. I didn’t see a point in spending money on a toddler bed that will only be used for a little while, whereas she can use the twin until she’s 18 or it wears out. We still will go get her in the morning or at naps and find her flopped halfway off the bed occasionally, so I have no idea when we’ll move it onto a frame.

      Drawers I’m sure will be fine. Personally, I use hangars for dresses and nice clothes that are prone to wrinkle, which isn’t a lot.

      I’ve never had a diaper station. It’d be nice, but I tend to just change them on a blanket on the floor. Occasionally, we’ve had a wide counter in the bathroom, and I’d have that set up with a heavy blanket down.

    10. Aza*

      My 2 year old is in a crib & keeping her there til she climbs! We have the Ikea Sundvik- you can remove one side to make a toddler bed. Or another option is just a mattress on the floor- I have friends who did that with their kids- no falling out! If you have a crib mattress, you could just use that if the crib doesn’t work because they climb.

      For diaper changing we just have a changing pad on top of the dresser. We looked for a lower dresser because of this. We got the Graco Kendall dresser- not great quality, but fine. I highly recommend wipeable changing pad covers. Target has “cloud island” wipeable changing pad covers for like $15 so you can wipe them down vs having to wash them all the time. They can still be machine washed, which I do maybe every couple of weeks.

      We don’t really use hangers, just the dresser. It’s actually more helpful for us to have shelving in the closet for toys and shoes and whatnot.

      And thanks for fostering!

      1. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Oh, I saw the Sundvik! Thanks for your recommendations! No Target here, but that sounds like a super useful thing, so gonna google to find something similar here. I imagine “wipeable” and “machine washable” are gonna be my two new favorite words soon :’)

        1. Natalie*

          You can also find changing pads that are themselves wipeable, no covers needed.

          For a dresser, check Craigslist if that’s a thing in your area. Kid sized, changing height dressers seem to be common and affordable – we just bought one for $60. Look for something 3-4 feet tall depending on how tall you are. Having to bend over will get old fast.

    11. Triumphant Fox*

      2 year old mom.

      Agree on keeping them in a crib. We will convert this crib to a toddler bed and then see. There is also the Montessori method of having a mattress on the floor, with the idea that they can get up for water and toileting and to access their room without help or danger.

      In choosing a crib, I wanted all wood since I went down a rabbit hole of research into scary chemicals in cribs. Ikea had an inexpensive one that has held up well. Our child never chewed on the crib but some do. We also cared about the mattress. I got a Newton breathable one because I was paranoid but an organic one would also have worked.

      We got the IKEA Hemnes drawers, which was the perfect height to put a changing pad on top.we have loved that setup. I got a lot of drawer dividers, which is a huge help when all their things are so little. We do have hanging space, but just for jackets. People tend to hang dresses and dress shirts, so think about how fancy your kid’s clothes will be.

      We got a three tiered rolling cart which has worked great for diaper supplies. I also hung some basket shelves next to the changing station so creams and supplies are within reach.

    12. Sparkly Librarian*

      I have a 14-month-old, and find that she needs so much less “stuff” than a younger baby. We use a mini-crib for sleeping and a pack’n’play for some of the hanging out in the living room. Also have a pack’n’play set up under shade in the backyard, so I can put her in there while I water plants and do gardening (and then take her out when I can supervise closely).

      Top of my list for you would be several lightweight bins or small laundry baskets to make cleanup easy at the end of the day. IKEA’s good for that, and so is a store like Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Target. Mine has one for toys in each room she plays in, and one for books in the nursery and the living room. And I have a small one for the outfits that currently fit her, and in the closet several more for other sizes.

      Somewhere safe to put the kid down (pack’n’play, fenced off area, or crib) while you cook or run to the bathroom.

      Somewhere to change the kid (I’ve never used a changing table, just the floor/couch/bed with a washable cloth laid underneath) and something portable to put diapering supplies in, like a plastic bath caddy, and a diaper pail.

      A backpack or bag with zippered pockets for when you go out (consider the park and store but also doctor appointments, visitation, etc.).

      I like having two dishes, two bowls with the suction cup on the bottom, and two sippy cups for water (Take & Toss are the easiest). And some kid-sized spoons and a fork. That’s enough that I don’t have to wash right before or after every meal (hate for hungry kiddo to wait) but they can’t really pile up.

    13. Natalie*

      One thing I didn’t see suggested yet – if you have hardwood floors, get a good rug for the floor of kiddo’s room. You want something comfortable (both fabric texture and cushion) to sit on since you’ll probably hang out on the floor a lot.

    14. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Another general question:
      currently the room that will be the kid’s room is kinda my library. It has two tall and two short IKEA Billy’s and is pretty packed. I am doing a grand culling regardless, but how safe is it to try to keep one or two there (just, as someone suggested, with the bottom two shelves cleared)? The house is pretty cramped and has a lot of corners and slated ceilings and I am doing a lot of mind tetris about this :’)

      1. allathian*

        We’re book people and we’ve always had bookshelves, even when our kid was small. Admittedly, most of our library was in the master bedroom upstairs when he was at the toddler stage.
        Some kids need more baby proofing than others, ours never tried to pull books out of the bookshelf. My husband when he was a kid would try to climb the bookshelf if the opportunity arose.

        Be sure to attach your Billy to the wall if you haven’t already, Ikea’s pretty good with child safety these days. You could even fill the bottom shelves with something appropriate for the toddler.

      2. Aza*

        I think it’s fine as long as they’re anchored to the wall!
        And just looked again at our bookshelves- we’ve cleared the bottom 3 shelves. But she definitely accesses the bottom 2 the most. As she’s gotten taller she’s just been able to access more in general (we’ve had to clear off our kitchen table from things like the fruit bowl, for example, but the counter is mostly fine for now), so things may change depending on both the height of the kid and how quickly they grow.

        Oh & you’re probably thinking of this, but some sort of baby monitor, depending on location of rooms. We have an audio only monitor which is cheaper but sometimes I wish we had a video monitor to see what she’s doing in her room without going in there.

      3. Ranon*

        I would absolutely anchor to the walls. I’d plan on needing to clear the bottom three shelves, we certainly did (we were one of those houses where all surfaces were empty of things from pulling to stand until 3, friends with less exploring/ slightly destructive kiddos got to keep things on their shelves)

        I’d also make sure there’s nothing precious on the shelves- toddlers are tough on stuff generally and you’re going to have toddlers that have had a tougher time in life than many- big emotions sometimes come out in big ways and those ways aren’t always easy on things like books. Also watch the shelf pegs that the Billy bookcases have, I pulled all the shelves from our small one in our kiddo’s room for a while because my kiddo could move the shelves and get to the shelf pins. Now he’s 3.5 and doesn’t put everything in his mouth anymore we’ve let him have the shelves back.

      4. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Echoing what everyone has said about anchoring to the wall, but also …

        Children climb. You turn your back for twenty seconds and jolly moley how did you get up there?! A bookcase is basically a ladder with deep rungs. No doubt the child will be able to climb them. I would consider moving the taller ones to another room, but the ones that are shorter, meh, maybe? It would be great if you could clear the bottom shelves for children’s books and/or toys.

    15. Aza*

      Last comment:) A lot of parenting is adjusting on the fly. You’re clearly conscientious- you’ll adjust as you need, and do what works for you and your kid! If there’s something you haven’t thought of (of course there will be!) you’ll address it at the time.

      You’ve got this!

    16. Former Foster Parent*

      You should check your local requirements for guidance on the bed – Montessori beds (mattress on the floor) are not allowed for foster children in my jurisdiction. (We switched to that basically the day after we adopted our former foster child!)

      We use Ikea trofast for both toy and clothing storage.

      One thing I did was make a make Amazon list of all the cool (or boring, necessary) things I saw for each age group. Then when we got a call, I ran to Target for the things we needed for that first day and hit “add to cart” for the things we could wait 2 days to be delivered.

      I also bought a car seat that can go from 4 lbs to 65 lbs and just had that on hand.

      Learn from my mistake – I was “all set” and then when I had a one year old in my car, I realized I didn’t have any socks or pajamas? I should have made a literal check list.

      Best of luck on your new adventure!

  16. MistOrMister*

    Cat post!!! My cats really enjoy their backyard time (fenced yard, supervised only). Murderfloof 1 runs around when she sees something worth hunting, chatters warnings, etc., but has never managed to catch anything. Murderfloof 2 does the same and has caught a few creatures. Both Murderfloofs love their indoor playtime and attack the bejesus out of the toys, but 2 might be a smidge more murdery. Has anyone had a cat that is alert and seems to want to catch something but never manages? Maybe her heart isn’t really in it since she’s well fed. But I find it a little odd that they’re not on the same page huntingwise.

    Side note – I keep an eye on both murderfloofs and actively shoo off the chipmunks and birds so they’re not in danger, but once in a while one comes out of nowhere and the floofs get to them. We’ve only lost 1 bird (darn cat leapt up and caught it in midair, which I was not prepared for!!), everything else has been released back to the outside. I am absolutely 1000% not encouraging the floofs to attack anything other than their toys.

    1. Tybalt*

      I think that they vary hugely – Where I live it’s normal for cats to have free access to the outdoors, and mine have always had a lot of variation in what & how much they catch. Since yours don’t get a lot of opportunity to hunt it may be that she is just a slower learner, or has a shorter attention span and gives up more quickly.

    2. username required*

      I think it just varies from cat to cat. Lil Dude was a tiny feral rescue kitten – turned up on my doorstep demanding LOUDLY to be fed :0) super affectionate but would hang upside down on the catflap and try and eat through it if I tried to lock him in. Even though he was well fed he hunted and brought things back occasionally which I was usually able to save. Lil Dudette I had as an older rescue – she was dumped in the car park at probably 6 months old – if she gets anything while hunting it’s purely by dumb luck and I rescue them and take them away from her – she’ll then stay in the same spot for the next 10 mins looking at me and looking at the spot expecting the rescued gekko to reappear!

    3. Asenath*

      I agree that cats vary a lot in their hunting skills. I’ve heard that it has to do with how long they spent with their mother and how good she was at teaching them to hunt – and also, of course, whether she needed to teach them. At one point, I let my cats outside, and I was convinced that the two felines in residence at the time would starve if food didn’t appear in bowls at regular intervals. But they – or one of them – could hunt better than I expected, as I found out when I found scraps of one of the mice which very rarely made its way into the house I was living in then. But on another occasion, they seemed unable to finish off a mouse, which I “rescued” – it probably didn’t last long outside; it didn’t seem to be physically injured but did seem quite shaken.

      There weren’t actually that many mice in that old place, but it was the kind of place that was old and impossible to mouse-proof. The previous tenants had poison everywhere. I got rid of the poison, moved in with my cats, and almost never saw a mouse. Most of them were smart enough to stay out of the living space when they smelled cats and I tried not to think what they might be doing behind the walls.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Mine seem to prefer “hunting” as a game – the longer the prey darts around, the more enjoyment for the cats. They’re indoor-only, so the only times they get live prey involve insects or the occasional mouse that got inside, but then it’s circus time! Recently the three of them spent over 24 hours hunting a hapless mouse in and out of the stacks of Things I Need To Put Away Real Soon Now, and while it’s possible that they couldn’t actually catch it because they got in each other’s way, I suspect they just found it more amusing to maintain the hunt. [I eventually cornered it and evicted it myself, since the poor thing must have been exhausted.]

      Side note: if the cats do catch and eat prey, keep an eye out for parasites; in the past I’ve had cats acquire tapeworms or fleas from contact with wild mice or chipmunks.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve heard that the reason cats play with their prey is to wear out the prey so the cats can safely get close enough to administer a kill bite. If a cat tries to do this to a mouse who isn’t already exhausted, the cat might get hurt.

      2. I'm just here for the cats*

        Cats definitely play with their prey, especially indoor cats that dont need to hunt. My oldest cat when she was much younger caught a mouse and was flipping it up in the air and letting it slam back on the floor. Kind of like what killer whales do to seals. (She does the same thing with h err r toys). It was very sickening, especially at 7am when I was eating my breakfast !

    5. Anxious cat servant*

      Aww, sounds like they’re living their best lives with you. I have one cat who loves being outside (supervised, fenced yard) and thinks of himself as the Greatest Hunter Ever. But … he’s really not. He gets too excited and starts wiggling his butt, scattering all prey before he can get close. I don’t think he’s gotten within a couple feet of any smaller animals in all his time outdoors. It’s a good thing humans and canned food exist otherwise this sweet boy would be in trouble.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      In cats that are well fed, it comes down to their prey drive, combined with physical ability. Some cats are just less skilled. It’s thus very common to see a range of outcomes.

      Also, it might just be the type of prey. Arwen will stalk a lot of things, but she really only goes after rodents. So I think she’s killed 2-3 birds in her 12 years, but I’m sure we’re well into the triple digits of rodents (mice, chipmunks, voles, shrews, etc. I wish she’d find the moles!). Sibley had a fascination with lizards. I don’t think she ever killed any, but she caught a bunch. But Sibley wasn’t much of a hunter in general.

    7. Impska*

      I think it depends on the mother’s ability to teach them as kittens. My two cats were born indoors as fosters and neither is able to hunt. Their mothers weren’t able to demonstrate live prey. One of them will kill and eat bugs.

      The other shows every inclination of hunting, like yours, including being aggressive with toys, but can’t pull the trigger on actually catching anything. The thing is, we once had mice in our house and the only reason we knew was because she would find and chase them. She was obsessed with them and would open live traps to let them out to play with them some more. At one point, she cornered the mouse in an empty room and someone shut the door. She was in there for 5 hours with this mouse and still never killed it. Poor little thing practically threw itself into a trap when it was presented.

      During this whole period, kitty would behead her toy mice at night and leave the headless toys in her food dish. So some kind of instinctual connection was made that she wasn’t able to convert to real prey. She actually only beheads her toys and stores them in the food dish when she sees live prey up close.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Is the toy-food dish thing common? Our sweet and extremely stupid cat has one or two toys she loves past all reason, and occasionally we’ll find them right in front of her food dish. We joke that she’s making a sacrifice to make her beloved kibs appear, but I’ve always wondered if there’s some kind of small prey-food connection her tiny brain is making in there.

        1. Wander*

          From what I understand, cats consider their food dishes to be a safe place, so sometimes they put toys there for safe keeping. It’s definitely not an uncommon behavior. One of my cats also has a toy she loves beyond all else, and she’ll put it in the middle of her food dish sometimes. (And then sometimes forget she put it there and wander around looking for it. She’s also not very bright.) Another isn’t attached to any one specific toy, but I’ve seen him play with one for a while, notice another cat watching him, and put the toy in the water bowl when he’s ready to take a break to do other important cat things. If there’s no other cat around, he’ll just leave it where it lands, but any other cat takes interest? Into the water every time. He considers it his (despite the fact that all the cats have access to the same food and water bowls, and the cat noted above will readily fish toys out of the water), and thus it’s safe to leave things there.

    8. KR*

      My cat has tried to catch a bird once on her supervised playtime. I don’t think the bird was worried for a second, she was way too slow. She has caught bugs easily but is not interested in eating them and after poking them she loses interest. I feel bad sometimes that her natural killer instincts are just… Not there.. but she is also well fed and could probably kill and eat something with a bit of practice if she wanted to.

    9. allathian*

      My parents’ two cats lived to be 16. They were allowed outside on a leash, but even so, each of them managed to catch at least one vole each. They killed them, but didn’t attempt to eat them.

    1. Helvetica*

      Sorry, didn’t mean to make it necessarily about work! Hopefully it’s okay if I rephrase – what is some activity you enjoy that is more or less universally considered boring or tedious? For me, it’s any kind of data entry. I find it relaxing, not tedious at all, so even some of my hobbies include some element of data entry. For similar reasons, I also really like ironing, which I find also really soothing and unwinding for my mind.

      1. Asenath*

        I’ve heard that a lot of people feel that way about ironing. I don’t, but I’ve always found repetitive activities soothing and relaxing. I used to find sewing that way, if it wasn’t the kind of pattern I had to puzzle through. Jigsaw puzzles are good, and so are the kinds of computer games in which you do the same thing over and over again – patience/solitaire, the rpg-type where you do repetitive stuff rather than working through quests and so on.

        1. Reba*

          But seeing is like 70% ironing! ;)

          I don’t love ironing per se, but I do like making bias binding, it’s one of those oddly satisfying things.

          2. Asenath*

            I remember learning for the first time that you could make your own bias binding, from a quilting teacher. It was fascinating to discover that you could produce bias binding that matches your material perfectly because it was the same material! And yes, ironing is an essential part of sewing, but sewing nice simple straight seams, focusing only on getting them straight – that can be relaxing. So can knitting and crochet, unless it’s one of those complicated patterns and you notice a dozen rows on that you made a mistake which means the pattern is now noticeably off. Maybe I should get back to crafts.

      2. LDN Layabout*

        Washing the dishes. A good sponge and brush, access to hot water/washing up liquid, rubber gloves.

        I fine it weirdly satisfying/relaxing.

      4. 2QS*

        Most chores I find are chores, but I love sorting things. I sometimes reorganize the closet for fun, because it means going through all the boxes. Most people see my place and think I’m a neat freak, but for me it’s not about uptightness at all – quite the opposite. I get agitated when things aren’t in predictable places, or when there’s way too much clutter. Addressing those things creates a sense of calm.

      6. Animal worker*

        Hosing, or more rare but even better – pressure washing. Something relaxing and zen-like about it to me. I’ve spent my career in the animal care field and some people seem to really like hosing, others raking/sweeping. I definitely fall into the former category.

      7. Anonymosity*

        Stuffing envelopes at work. Folding the papers and making a pile, then putting them all in, then sealing all the envelopes. It’s very satisfying.

        Outside work, any kind of folding (towels, napkins, etc.). I don’t mind ironing, unless I’m doing it last-minute and am in a hurry. My mom used to let us iron pillowcases when I was a kid so we could learn how to do it.

      8. allathian*

        I hate ironing to the point that the only thing I iron is our party tablecloth that’s used for Christmas dinner. All my clothes are wrinkle-free without ironing. I do have one or two blouses that need ironing but they stay in the closet because I can’t be bothered. My husband doesn’t iron his shirts either, they don’t need to be ironed if you shake them out and put them on a hanger. We don’t have a tumble dryer so it works for us. We never do black tie events where a pure white, ironed shirt is essential.

        My favorite chores are filling and emptying the dishwasher and hanging and sorting laundry. Doing that gives me a sense of achievement for some reason.

    2. Nancy*

      I quite like ironing too! Although I don’t actually own one myself. But when I’m staying with my mum I quite often do her ironing. I quite enjoy filing, too. I recently spent hours happily organizing my partner’s paperwork into a lovely, alphabetised filing system. Bank statements, bills, and on through to ‘U’. I feel like taking a photo of my achievement!

  18. Layla*

    I am not sure if this should go in the work thread or not but here goes. Feel free to delete if this is the wrong place. Some days I am alone at work and it can be hard to find time to eat between the customers. (Paid lunchbreak because it is understood that you will be eating between serving customers. No need to comment on this aspect.)

    What are some meals that you can eat/swallow quickly that doesn’t necessarily need to go in the fridge? I was thinking some sort of smoothie or the like but I am not sure it will fill me up and I would need to put it in the fridge when I get interrupted because I don’t know for long I will be interrupted. I have been eating sandwiches but if I am not conscious of taking small bites, of course a customer will come right at that moment and there I am emerging with my mouth full of food. Most are understanding and laugh it off and I hold a hand in front of my mouth but there are going to be people upset at me talking to them while trying to get the food down as fast as possible.

    1. Denver Bound from NC*

      You may have some luck researching the snacks that breastfeeding moms eat since (almost by definition!) we are very hungry, very tired, and trying to squeeze in food at odd hours. I personally got a lot of mileage out of making sure I had foods I could eat with one hand or which were already bite sized for easy snacking. The more prep you can do beforehand, the easier it will be during your actual meal. Pancakes and waffles can be frozen and then reheated in a microwave or toaster oven and they’re fine at room temperature too. Fruits like bananas and grapes can be easy too. Sliced peppers and celery. Bagged popcorn. Nuts/trail mix. Lunch doesn’t have to be one “meal” but can instead be a collection of snacks that are easy to graze on. Good luck!

      1. Pennyworth*

        I love finger sandwhiches, and you can cut them across into squares just the right size to just pop into your mouth and eat quickly.

    2. Jaid*

      Soup in a thermos. Granola bars.

      Smoothies can have peanut butter or tofu, quinoa, oatmeal, etc to be filling. Hemp seeds, chia seeds, different nuts… Use a thermos to keep it cold.

      1. Anonyme*

        I second this option. I do smoothies in a thermos at the nursing station since I expect not to have breaks and to be constantly interrupted. They stay cold several hours. I usually add nuts for protein.

    3. Pinkbasil*

      I’d probably go full squirrel. Little packets of crackers, nuts, berries, a cheese stick, a couple cookies. Anything that can be eaten little bits at a time and swallowed quickly.

      2. pieforbreakfast*

        I do this all the time, I call it Adult Lunchables- crackers, cheese, cucumber slices, cherry tomatoes, nuts. Add some cured meat if that’s your thing.
        Make sure there’s some protein (nuts, nutbutter, dairy, boiled egg, etc…) so the afternoon isn’t a slog.

      3. blaise zamboni*

        +1. I used to love Babybel cheese for exactly this purpose.

        Can you make cracker sandwiches, ie peanut butter/cheese/meats + Ritz (or whatever)? It’s a little messy and you can still get caught up by customers, but the crackers are small enough that you can’t really get a huge mouth full of food so I imagine it would be better. I’ve also heard that hard-boiled eggs are good for this situation.

        Whole raw almonds are my go-to for easy, inconspicuous snacking, but you could also do that with sunflower seeds, pistachios (I hear there are flavored, deshelled versions), etc. You may also look at healthier chips, like popped varieties or even making your own kale chips or etc. You can make roasted chickpeas with a lot of different flavors, which also gives you some protein. Chopped carrots are a nice crunchy snack, especially if you can swing keeping hummus nearby.

        I sympathize with you; it can be really hard to find healthy, easy snacks for situations like yours. If you find something that works well for you, please report back! :)

    4. MistOrMister*

      Cottage cheese and fruit or yogurt and fruit (with or without granola) can both be eaten fairly guickly and can be filling. If you have one of those blender bottles with the flip lid, you can make and freeze smoothies and then let them stand at room temperature until you’re ready to drink them. I like to grind up oatmeal into powder and add that to smoothies to give them more heft. Wraps hold well a lot of the time and can make a welcome change from sandwiches. Rice and cooked vegetables is generally fairly easy to eat and swallow quickly.

    5. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Look for canopes and finger food recipes that appeal. They will tend to be small and easy to manage.

  19. Nonny for this*

    I know quite a few posters here have said about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult – I was wondering if anyone would mind saying how they went about getting that diagnosis and if it made things easier in your life afterwards?

    I’ve always thought I was just a lazy procrastinator but I’ve been looking into what ADHD looks like in girls and women for the past few months and it’s looking very familiar! It would explain many of the issues I’ve been having with work and my studies (I’m a part time mature student), and have been slowly failing at both :(

    I am in the UK, and while I know most here are in the US I don’t know how much difference having the NHS makes with this?

    1. Anónima*

      Waves! Hi, not ADHD diagnosed, but probably got it, and am recently diagnosed autistic.
      Go to your GP to ask for a referral and then you will see a psychiatrist and OT or specialist nurse.

      What I did with my initial inquiry was take the triad of impairments for autism for the doctor and list how I felt I was struggling in each area (I wrote this down because by the time I got there I was sobbing and couldn’t speak).

      Anyway, it may be helpful for your doctor to read if you go through the diagnostic criteria for ADHD and write down specifically how you are having problems in each area. This gives you some structure but it also gives your GP, who presumably doesn’t know you that well especially if you have been masking, a framework to make the referral. I know my GP kept the things I wrote and used it to write her reasons for sending me for a diagnosis.

      All the best!

      1. Anónima*

        And I am STILL waiting for the official report, but it has made my life easier knowing, yeah. I am kinder to myself and feel a bit more like my insides match my outsides now, which is how everyone should feel :-)
        And when I get report I will be able to ask for reasonable accommodations at work and at uni.

      2. Anónima*

        Sorry, this is going to be along thread if I keep writing a different answer every time I think of another point (I did say I am probably ADHD though!) but one thing I had to do after I got an autism referral was complete a form about past behaviours which involved asking family for input.

        The idea is that they will have insight into how you were as a child. I did ask my mum for some info, but I was also aware that families can rewrite history and, moreover, if I was masking (which I was) how would they know what I was really thinking? I am an incredibly good social and linguistic mimic, with excellent communication abilities. My family asked me about this – did the professionals mention your communication because it is really good, and therefore you can’t be autistic?
        So working against that bias was hard too.
        I ended up going on my own to the appointment, and letting the med staff know that I was going to do that and why.
        The process is the same for ADHD in the NHS. It’s worth it though. It’s a long waiting list, but if you go private it is £1000+.

        Anyway, have you seen this: https://www.clinical-partners.co.uk/insights-and-news/adult-adhd-aspergers/item/adhd-in-women-why-is-it-so-undiagnosed
        This is really good.

        1. Nonny for this*

          Anónima, thanks so so much for your answers! This is really helpful, and you’ve clocked some of the concerns I hadn’t quite been able to articulate (especially around how/if to ask my family for input). I’ll make an appointment with my GP and go from there – hopefully won’t need to go private with that cost, ooof!

          1. Anónima*

            I’m so glad this was helpful. I wish you all the best, Nonny, and if you want to update us I would love to hear how you get on!

    2. rubble*

      I’m in Australia so can’t speak about NHS or whatever. anyway (oh boy, this ended up long. sorry!).

      I would say that it’s certainly helped me understand more why I behave the way I do, and it’s helped to embrace certain behaviours that are helpful but that I was suppressing because I thought teaching myself to cope without them was “learning to adult.”

      I take stimulant medications and it makes a small but noticeable difference. Here there’s a significant lack of psychologists that treat adult-diagnosed ADHD, so it’s been hard for me to get actual therapy to help manage/improve my time and attention management. Thus I haven’t made a huge amount of progress yet. Meds help me complete tasks but don’t help me start them *shrug emoji*. I do know some people who, once getting medication, felt an immediate and significant improvement in attention management, though, so it’s different for everyone!

      I’m a part time student too, but I’m still in my 20s and am barely working because I just don’t have the mental energy for all it at once. What the diagnosis does allow me to do is get what we call an Education Inclusion Plan (EIP) that allows me accommodations for assignments (usually extensions). I don’t have to have an excuse, I just say “hey here’s my extension application, here’s my EIP” and they basically have to approve it. If I was working in an office setting maybe I would be able to get reasonable accommodations to adjust my workspace or something to help me work, but I haven’t had to try that yet. Try not to think of your worth or mental health “improvement” in terms of how productive you are. It’s an easy way to make yourself an anxious wreck :(

      Here the process is: talk to your GP > get a referral to a psychiatrist > talk to the psychiatrist (I took a lot of notes with me, quotes from articles and the diagnosis criteria. I didn’t need all of it but it made me feel better) > get prescription for meds and/or a referral for a general psychologist (which I already had)/ADHD coach (a life coach!! because there’s no other options!!) > see how you go.

      It took maybe 3 months for me to go from zero to medication, but I feel like I’m always hearing about long wait times for the NHS so that might be an issue. I would definitely look for a psychologist or therapist if you can get in to see them quicker than a psychiatrist, they might not be able to diagnose but they can help you organise your thoughts at the very least, so you’re prepared.

    3. Sarah*

      My husband was diagnosed with ADD about two years ago. He got a referral from our family doctor to a specialist (sorry, I can’t remember what type). It wasn’t covered by our provincial healthcare, so the cost was around $1500-$1600 Canadian. Husband went for several sessions to the specialist, and I came in for one session and was asked a bunch of questions too. He got the diagnosis and went on Vivance (sp?). That made a big difference, BUT it’s still challenging. The doctor recommended some cognitive behavioural therapy, which husband hasn’t followed up on. And while a diagnosis is helpful it doesn’t make the struggle go away. The medication helps with focus a lot, but it doesn’t “cure” it. Overall, I’m really glad we did it.

    4. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      There are some charities that support people with ADHD – i bet they’d be able to advise you and maybe have some useful info?

    5. Anonymous for this*

      I was diagnosed in college (in the U.S.). Unfortunately I don’t have tips for going about getting a formal evaluation since mine nearly didn’t happen. The evaluator looked over my transcript and seemed prepared to dismiss my concerns about struggling with class work, specifically lengthy reading assignments, because my grades were fine. (As an aside, this reasoning has led to delayed diagnoses for many other women I know. Good grades don’t mean you don’t have ADHD!) He only went ahead because I mentioned some symptoms that prompted him to consider ADHD out of an abundance of caution, and thank goodness he did.

      The diagnosis made a positive difference in three ways: accommodations (the only one I asked for was not being assigned a seat in the very back row of a lecture hall, but I am not sure the school would have agreed without the official diagnosis); access to a learning specialist retained by my university, who helped me with strategies for course work; and medication. I no longer take it, but found it useful while I was a full time student. The medication I found helpful is a controlled substance here, and in my experience doctors around universities are mindful that some people seek ADHD medication to use as a “study aid” when they do not actually have a condition requiring treatment with the medication. A formal diagnosis (and history of several doctors confirming it) enabled me to take my concerns to the university psychiatrist with less fear of being labeled as drug-seeking.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I finally got around to making an appointment to finally start seeking an ADHD diagnosis. I’m afraid I won’t be taken seriously. SO MANY of what I experience lines up with ADHD symptoms (particularly the inattentive type), but if you look at my life, it doesn’t seem like it. I remember telling a friend about how I suspected I had ADHD and she immediately dismissed it because “I was good in school.” I also have reasons to suspect ASD as well, but I mask heavily and am pretty sure no one would bother considering it.

        1. rubble*

          being good at school and then struggling once you have to manage without that structure is a very common adhd thing!

    6. space cadet*

      I was lucky that my therapist saw the symptoms in me first, but the next few steps were to read a bunch of books about it and get a referral to a neuropsych testing place, personally. The books helped immediately to understand what was happening! And there is a huge ADHD / neurodiverse community on Twitter that I’m still learning from three years after my diagnosis.

    7. Natalie*

      I’m in the US and I saw a neuropsychiatrist and did a couple of hours of testing.

      I found it helpful in two ways – strategies and meds. It was helpful to me to know that I wasn’t struggling with sitting meditation or remembering tasks because I just wasn’t trying hard enough or doing it right, and that I could find alternatives (active meditation and extensive to do lists, respectively). I also pursued meds. There are non-stimulant options if you’re hesitant about Ritalin, although oddly now that I’m breastfeeding apparently Ritalin is considered safer. Go figure.

    8. KoiFeeder*

      Not ADHD myself, but just popping in here to say that “laziness” as a concept is incredibly fake. No one is lazy. People can be stuck, or incapable of doing things, or just in the wrong situation, but they’re not lazy.

    9. Oldbiddy*

      I’m in the US and not formally diagnosed. I’ve probably been ADD all my life, but between getting good grades and picking a career that meshed well with my ability to hyperfocus on things I like, I slipped through the cracks until perimenopause hit and wrecked havoc with my hyperfocus.
      When I had my physical a few months ago, I asked my primary care physician about what steps I should take to get a diagnosis. She suggested I try Wellbutrin (ADD is one of its off-label uses) and see if it helped. For me, it helps a lot with focus, although it’s not a cure-all. It doesn’t help with procrastination but it does help me with constantly flitting from one thing to the next.
      The first weekend I started taking it I deep cleaned my bedroom and bathroom and wrote a two page review for work when I’d normally do half a page and get really bored. A week later we went into lockdown due to COVID. I managed ok-ish with working from home, so I consider that a win.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I’m in the US. I asked my GP about it. She referred me to a psychologist, who dx’ed me based on taking a verbal history & asking about symptoms & how they affect me. So really, just an hour of conversation.

      The meds have helped me tremendously with work, with managing stuff like my bills and calendar, and with enjoying situations I previously found overstimulating and hard to tolerate, like block parties or school assemblies for the kids.

      My kids also find me much less crabby and volatile, because I can cope with interruptions or distractions without totally losing the thread of what I was doing.

      But above that, learning about ADHD has released me from *so much* internalized shame, blame, and unproductive striving. It’s allowed me to overcome magical thinking and be realistic about what matters & what doesn’t, what works & what doesn’t.

      And it’s allowed me to focus on results, so I can change my methods rather than constantly rehashing the eternal project of trying to “fix myself.”

      My life is so much more free and satisfying, even in areas that didn’t show huge visible improvements.

    11. Alexandra Lynch*

      The diagnosis was really helpful. It’s not me being difficult or stuffing up just for randomness, I have a brain that has issues with certain things. And it let me relax and just use the lifestyle interventions. My purse goes here. My keys go here. I plan things and do things in order and in a routine, and it’s okay, I don’t HAVE to be spontaneous and scattered, I can just set a boundary for my health and tell people that I have to do things this way, and it really helps.

      I also take stimulant medication, and what it does is it turns down the noise of everything in my head, and lets me focus on just one thing a lot easier. I can also remember what I was doing with the glass in my hand all the way from the sitting room to the kitchen. (grin)

  20. Blue wall*

    I’m confused by photos I see on social of people not distancing, having events, etc. Is this a thing that it is ok to do now, in some places? I live in NC and our case count is rising so very cautious here. What’s it like where you are?

    1. LGC*

      Short story: yes, a lot of people did consider it okay. (I’m not going to get into the politics.)

      Where I’m at (in northern NJ, just outside NYC), it seems like we’re still fairly cautious. I’ve seen some small get-togethers, but nothing really big. Nothing on the social media I track about get-togethers, as far as I know, although I know my parents have been seeing my mom’s sister and her family.

      For what it’s worth, I have been going to running club workouts – in fact, I kind of suggested starting back up. (We’re outdoors, so it’s a bit easier to space out.) I’ve gotten a bit more relaxed about going to stores (still have to wear a mask, but I feel slightly less like I’m committing a crime every time I do it). A lot of people will pull their masks down outdoors – I’m guilty of this as well – but since you HAVE to wear a mask in public spaces where distancing isn’t possible and thankfully NJ’s mask rule was put in place before it got really politicized…most people actually have them.

      1. Mimmy*

        Fellow NJ resident here! (central area). When the pandemic first started, I know your neck of the woods was hit much harder than my area, so I am glad that everyone is still being cautious. My husband and I have been very vigilant.

        I’m generally pleased with how well our state has been faring compared to many others. However, I get nervous with each new reopening announcement. I know we can’t keep things shut forever, but as the summer gets under way, I worry about how much people will continue to practice social distancing.

        1. LGC*

          It’s weird, and maybe we’re a bit insulated because of what we went through? (Not fully, but partly. I JUST saw a post about BLM protesters in my hometown being confronted by a group of maskless dudes “protecting” a Columbus statue.) Obviously, it’s awful that our area got hit so hard, but it doesn’t seem as political as it does in other areas – partly because it happened here, so it’s a “here” problem (while it sounds like in the Sun Belt, they mostly considered it a “there” problem).

          I think people will continue social distancing as much as they have to, which gives me some hope. A huge reason why things aren’t going back to normal is…well, they CAN’T go back to normal. (If not because of the mass psychological and physical trauma, because of a metric ton of executive orders saying they can’t.) And I’m pretty sure all of us know someone who got COVID (I know several) or even someone who died (I know a couple). The joke I’ve heard is “we’ve all had it anyway,” but I don’t think that we’re acting like we’re immune to COVID now.

          1. Mimmy*

            That’s a really good point – we GET it because we know how bad it can be. Thankfully I don’t know anyone who’s died from COVID but I know at least one person who was in the ICU for several weeks.

            Stay safe!!

    2. Loopy*

      Unfortunately, yes it’s a thing where I am. I’m in SC and the attitude here can be really bad in terms of keeping up with recommended pandemic practices. There’s no statewide mask mandate, and local cities are all over the map on them, with plenty voting against instituting one. Restaurants are seeing staff get covid all over the place, closing for the day, opening back up a day or two later to the same situation. Stores have plenty of non-mask wearers and people don’t social distance consistently. It’s depressing.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      This seems to be a thing over a lot of the US. It’s really not okay, and the states that relaxed restrictions first and most enthusiastically (like Florida and Texas) are headed for disaster, with exponentially rising case counts and hospitalizations. It’s going to get a lot worse, given the time lag between infection and illness.

      Where I am – masks are required on public transit, government offices and classrooms, and food servers and preparers and transit drivers are required to wear them. They are strongly recommended in public when social distancing is not possible, and I’d say the wearing rate on the street in busy areas is about 90%. It’s been 90% or higher on public transit since late January. Large indoor events are still restricted, but most other domestic restrictions have been lifted. We were never under lockdown.

      However, in the past two and a half months, in a population of 23 million, we have had zero local cases. There are still a few cases of people returning from abroad sick, or showing symptoms while in quarantine after returning, but all the positive cases (including asymptomatic ones) have been kept in hospital until they test negative three days in a row. And everyone is still wearing masks in public.

    5. Washi*

      I also find it confusing to figure out what’s ok. When we were under a strict stay at home order, everyone was kind of doing the same thing, but now that we’re in phase 2 of reopening, I find it unclear what is safe vs risky behavior.

      It’s weird, my in-laws and my grandparents are doing everything that is allowed, like going to restaurants and non-essential stores, and my in-laws are going on vacation next week. They are in higher risk groups due to age but don’t understand why we’re being so cautious, and yet we also have young and healthy friends who aren’t even going for walks outside with anyone! I feel like I’m cautious or reckless depending on who I talk to. (Currently we are seeing friends outdoors but trying to avoid being indoors with anyone really, other than grocery store or pharmacy.)

      1. ThatGirl*

        Basically, outside is much less risky than inside, and if you are inside, the fewer people, more space and less time the better. I see my mom (age 69) not being as careful as we are and it drives me a little nuts.

      2. Blue wall*

        “ I feel like I’m cautious or reckless depending on who I talk to”- yes, this! I think I’m doing the same as you; seeing only a couple friends outdoors but avoiding the indoors. I’m partially back at work and my coworkers seem to demasking with each other but that’s not my MO; it makes me feel like I’m being too cautious but I think I need to just rest in my certainty of safety.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      NYS here. People seem pretty relaxed to me. But there are pockets of people who still will not leave their homes. I am hearing the further upstate you go, the more and more relaxed things are. I have no way to know first hand but this is what I am hearing.
      My county is doing well but it has done much better than many places during this crisis. We figured we’d have an outbreak because of all the people coming up from the city and we have not.

    7. Long Time Fed*

      I’m in Montgomery County, Maryland, and our county requires masks. I never see anyone without them. No one likes them, but our infection trajectory is going down. People are more comfortable being closer to each other. For a while, everyone maintained the 6 feet distance. We’re still cautious, but not quite as much.

      1. Anon100*

        Similar here in a different Maryland county; I think it’s a state order that inside a store you must wear a face covering. Went to a winery a couple weeks ago, and I felt pretty safe with my friends doing so. We got our own outside table, socially distanced, and when we got up to buy food/drinks or use the restroom, it was required to wear a mask for everyone’s safety.

      2. Jack Russell Terrier*

        I’m in DC – yes, mandated inside stores in DC and I think all surrounding areas. I’m finding people are generally complying – even outside, which is such a relief.

        Of course, all areas surrounding DC have opened up a bit with inside eating in restaurants (distancing masks etc) and being allowed to have small gatherings with distancing etc. This started last monday in DC and the friday before in Montgomery County. Hopefully the numbers will continue to decline.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      NYC here. Masks are still mandatory but stores and salons restaurants etc are slowly opening up. I haven’t taken public transit since March so can’t say but it seems like people still respect social distancing.

    9. Kathenus*

      To answer your first question “Is this a thing that is ok to do now” – it is allowed to do in some areas now, but in my strong opinion it is absolutely not something that is ok to do from a public safety standpoint. Just because some states/areas allow things doesn’t mean they are smart, or in the best interest of people’s and peoples’ health.

    10. ThatGirl*

      It shouldn’t be political, but somehow it’s turned into that. I live near Chicago and we’re one of the few states that are doing fairly well. Because people are wearing masks and mostly not crowding together! Meanwhile states that are not mandating masks and are letting people crowd bars are seeing bad gravy.

      Outside the US it may be different, but mostly those photos are showing you what not to do.

    11. Anonnington*

      I’m in NYC and we’re seeing the full spectrum here. What’s sad to witness is that a lot of the, “OMG, back to normal!” skews affluent and white. People whose communities lost more people are taking the precautions more seriously.

      And I believe this will come out in time and the people who are gathering will be seen for what they are. That said, there are obviously judgment calls involved. Gathering for work or political action is not the same as going to the beach with your friends just for fun, for example.

      I say don’t feel guilty if you choose to gather for a good reason. But if you’re being more cautious than most, take pride in that choice. You’re saving lives.

    12. Anxious cat servant*

      I’m in TX and people certainly THINK it’s ok. My FB feed looks no different than it did 6 months ago with unmasked people hugging at parties and restaurants. Looking at the soaring number of cases and our quickly-filling hospitals, those people might not be the best judges of the actual risk.

      1. Koko's human*

        I lived in east Texas for six years, so I have a ton of friends there and so many of them have been posting day trips and stuff before the lockdown stuff even lifted. One family has been having huge multi-household gatherings the entire time. It’s like “what are you doing?!?!” But I say nothing. As I say nothing to Oklahoma friends doing the same damn thing. Masks? I will shame anyone who posts about refusing to wear one. But so far, that was like one person. I live amid the worst-hit zip codes here, and it’s all because of the political leanings of the area. It’s infuriating.

    13. Analyst Editor*

      I think there is several levels. I think the photos of crowds aren’t all “crowds”, but look that way because of an aerial photo – and in fact people are pretty far away from each other and sticking to their own little group. I’ve been out to parks in my area, which were never really closed where I was, even under lock-down, and there are a lot of people but clustered in their little groups of 2 or 3 and far from each other. I think that sunlight, open air, and breeze, with masks for close proximity, are a good level of risk mitigation.

      I do think that the reversed messaging on “no gatherings, but protests are fine, but no other gatherings” sends a mixed message, and I’m regrettably seeing people in my own circle downgrade their caution after their (reasonable, IMO) pointers that the reporting on COVID and risks has been too politicized to be credible. My view is, COVID doesn’t care about your politics, and whatever your opinions of the media, there’s no excuse for not using your head and taking precautions…. but this issue is there.

      1. Anonnington*

        In the 80’s, HIV was “political,” and, “controversial.” There is a similar mentality playing out right now.

            1. MissDisplaced*

              Seat belt debate never went away here! People have literally every excuse in the book to not wear them! One lady I worked with (daughter of a cop no less) said that she would not wear her seat belt because if she were in an accident it would trap her and she wanted to be able to jump out of her Jeep.

              I mean. Really?

              My brother and his wife and kids all refuse to wear them. Nothing convinces them it saves lives.
              Ditto with smoking. In spite of all the health warnings, people insist smoking does not cause cancer (oh, but 5G does somehow).

        2. Vina*

          Oh yeah. And people though they were immune from anything b/c they weren’t the type of people who got sick (i.e., white, heterosexual, Xtian).

          Ugh.

          1. Anonnington*

            Right. That and the denial, and a lot of racist ideas about the disease’s history.

            Some of that is still around. It was just more mainstream in the 80’s, just like the COVID reactions today.

            1. Vina*

              Racist and homophobic. Black people and gays got it. In other words, people who were “other” and “not us.”

              I also see so much of that with Covid.

              People can be so awful.

              1. Anonnington*

                Exactly. I keep leaning towards being vague about it because it was so incredibly awful, I don’t want to repeat it and give it more attention.

                But I remember being told these horrible racist, homophobic things about HIV in the 80’s. I questioned it at the time. Even as a child, it was obvious that it didn’t add up.

                With both diseases, when you compare that kind of commentary with the reality of the illness, it’s so much worse. People are so sheltered and entitled to their little delusions of superiority.

    14. Nita*

      NYC here. It seems a lot of people started “dipping their toes back in” in the last few weeks, we didn’t see a spike in cases, and so there is a lot less distancing. Families getting back together – often outside, sometimes with masks, but people who didn’t see each other since March are starting to catch up. Kids meeting up with their friends – again, mostly outside. We’ve started visiting my parents, but if our exposure goes up, for example if one of us physically goes back to work, or when schools reopen, we will stop seeing them (or go back to meeting up outside with masks on). One thing that hasn’t happened yet – large numbers of people sharing transit and enclosed spaces. I hope that the lack of a second wave means we’ve gotten to herd immunity here, but that may not be the case. It’s possible that the virus simply doesn’t spread well outside, or that it takes a few super-spreaders to cause a big rise in infections.

      1. LGC*

        The estimate I’ve heard is that 25% of New Yorkers contracted COVID-19. (And that’s in NYC proper. It’s probably lower statewide.)

        The estimate for herd immunity? I’ve heard at least 70%. And that’s for imperfect herd immunity.

        From the research I’ve seen (I’m not a doctor, but I would have stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night if I was willing to travel), science points both to SARS-CoV2 not spreading well outside and to it spreading in clusters. That is, a few people spark huge chains of infection (infamously, Patient 31 in South Korea, but then you have a ton of stories stateside about deadly gatherings – most recently, the party in Florida where all sixteen people and seven staff at the bar contracting COVID-19).

    15. KR*

      We are in rural Southern CA. We are seeing a rise in cases here and I don’t think our governor is scared to do another stay at home order. People where I am seem split between thinking it’s communism to be told to wear a mask/thinking they aren’t really effective, vs encouraging everyone to wear a mask and socially distance. People are going to restaurants and doing things involving gatherings but husband and I are still doing take-out only. I am also diligent about my mask use and try to maintain distance from other people, but a lot of other people in public aren’t also doing so which makes it hard. This pandemic has disappointed me so much in seeing how selfish people can be and willing to bury their heads in the sand.

    17. MissDisplaced*

      I think you have to follow what is good for you.
      My state is not spiking due to our governor’s plan to reopen slowly in stages, and continuing to wear masks in public places. Stores and restaurants have begun reopening with outside dining, though not salons and spas and bars.
      So, what to do? If you’re younger and healthy, you can probably begin to shop non-essential stores or dine, or go outside to do things with precautions.
      If you are at risk, I’d continue to only venture out when necessary.
      I am dipping back in and going to the beach! However, I do not plan on doing some of the things there I normally would, such as drinking at the bar or putt-putt golf. We’re also planning on taking our own food/grocery shopping to minimize dining out.

    18. Former prof*

      I’m in Northern California. We are seeing two things here. The first is transmission from large family events. Those infected people then took it into their churches. The governor is having a lot of trouble convincing people not to have get-together in their homes. The second thing is young folks getting infected. The medical director at UCSF Med Center said their COVID patients used to be mostly over 50 and are now mostly under 50. The bars opened up and the kids went out. So yeah, social distancing and masking are the thing that works, but people seem to have a hard time maintaining that when they want to see their friends and family.

    19. Oxford Comma*

      I personally don’t think it’s okay or safe. I don’t know what’s legal in North Carolina. I’m in a blue state that shut down early and has been careful about reopening, but as far as I am concerned Covid is something to be very concerned about. I will be social distancing, mask wearing, and limiting my activities for the duration. Cases may have dropped in my area right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone.

    20. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      People are still being cautious here (Boston area), though I can’t say how cautious because my own caution means I haven’t been to the beach, or to a restaurant (even at an outdoor table).

      The photos are a mix of people who think it’s safe now, people who still don’t understand why social distancing etc. was ever necessary, people who live in places that are reopening too soon (in my lay opinion), and a few who live where it really is safe. “It’s OK” is a weird mix of places where it really is safe, to go out, or about as safe as it ever was, and places where the decisions are driven by the stock market, or the desire to get kids back to school because distance learning isn’t working well, or a general feeling of “I can’t take this anymore.”

      Any of this other than strict lockdown means we have to make decisions about who we trust, and whether our guideline is going to be “if $Authority says it’s safe, I will go out and do it” or closer to “if the government says it’s okay, I might go out, but only for a very few things.”

      I resent feeling like I have to be extra-careful because of people who are either deliberately ignoring the risk, or don’t believe in it. But the virus doesn’t care what any of us believe, and regardless of *why* other people are being careless, their actions shape the environment I’m making my decisions in.

    21. RagingADHD*

      A lot of people are doing it here, even though it is certainly not okay. We are at record-high cases, all the public health officials are begging people to distance, stay home, wear masks.

      But the legal restrictions were all lifted for entirely political reasons, against medical advice, so people are blithely infecting each other faster than ever.

      Some of the larger cities in my state are already out of ICU beds, and folks in rural areas are just dropping dead because there’s no hospital access.

    22. Jennifer Juniper*

      I’m in DC. We earned Phase 2 on June 22nd. We still must wear masks and practice social distancing. Gatherings of more than 50 people are prohibited. So far, no COVID spike. I’m waiting at least two weeks past Fourth of July (to account for any COVID spikes that may be caused by holiday tourists) before I even think about consulting our doctors about safe guidelines for us to get out of lockdown.

    23. knead me seymour*

      I think it’s more that people are tired of social distancing than it is about actual safety, and many politicians seem to be doubling down on an already troubling tendency to prioritize the economy over people’s lives. I’d rather see governments support people in maintaining safe public health habits than encouraging people to just pretend the virus has magically disappeared. My curmudgeonly anti-capitalist tendencies are growing by the day.

  21. Grim*

    I’m curious if you have been laid off in the USA, where you have gotten health insurance – Cobra coverage, ACA (Obama care), or have gone without due to the cost? Medicaid is also an option.

    Tough time to be without insurance, especially with the pandemic spreading and the potential Obama care erasure pending before the Supreme Court.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Cobra is stupid expensive. I’ve had individual plans twice, once before the ACA. I was lucky to not have preexisting conditions then. I’d recommend ACA plans, even if it’s a fairly high deductible it’ll still cover certain things and be a backup in case of emergency. Despite our ludicrous insurance system it’s still better to have than not.

    2. Anonymosity*

      Anytime I didn’t have insurance through a job or was out of work, I just went without. When it was available, I went to Planned Parenthood for birth control prescriptions and got an annual exam that way.

      My old doctor’s office used to have a program where office visits were very low-cost. I’ve never found anything like that for dental or vision care, however.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      My husband got laid off in May, so we both lost our health insurance through his employer. I signed up for my employer’s plan, but it was too expensive for both of us (my employer pays 50% of the employee premium, but nothing toward a spouse’s coverage). We signed him up for a plan through the Marketplace for $285 per month. Fortunately, he got a new job in June, and he’ll be eligible for their insurance on July 13 (to start August 1), so we’ll just have to pay for June and July. Despite the fact that his new job is with the state government, the benefits aren’t very good IMO. For someone who just needs preventive care, sure. But I have a lot of health problems, and the copays/deductible/OOP max are much higher than what I have now. For example, my insurance has a $10 copay for labs, but his new plan requires 30% coinsurance. Some of my lab work costs north of $1,200, so that would increase our costs significantly. We’ve decided he will sign up for his plan as an individual, and I will keep my plan. I will take his dental and vision coverage, though, since I don’t have any.

      1. Black Horse Dancing*

        People have the mistaken belief government work = grwat insurance. Nope. Not unless you’re a congresscritter, President, or SCOTUS.

    4. Ronda*

      i went on obama care 2x when leaving jobs. It is easy pretty easy to sign up and the subsidy if your income is low makes it more affordable than other options. The 1st time I signed up was during open enrollment and that was super easy, signing up mid-year had an extra step of providing proof that job was lost and had insurance up til then and address changed/ residence. (also note that if you are below a certain income it is medicaid instead of oboma care and some states didnt expand medicaid so no coverage if you dont meet minimum income either)

      the price without subsidy was not that far off of the price for cobra, but there were some options that were less.

      I go for the lowest cost plans with high deductibles. The 1st time I went on it for 2016, there were many different provider options. in 2017 and beyond, we seem to be down to about 2 different providers per location. (my preferred provider did stay in the plan tho)

      I did cobra for dental because I have a bunch of dental work to do and they really jack up the prices if you dont have insurance. Obomacare only seems to have dental for children, and there dont seem to be any good options once cobra is done. Didnt bother with separate vision coverage, but my healthcare provider does include vision dr that I have not checked out yet.

    5. Old and Don’t Care*

      I think that whether an ACA plan is a good option is very dependent on where you live. In some states there are decent options with decent networks, in other states there are fewer options wand few providers accept the insurance. I’d do a lot of research on any ACA plan, certainly if it’s a carrier you’ve never heard of.

      COBRA is expensive but ACA plans can be too, especially if you are older and don’t qualify for a subsidy. I pine for my COBRA, as I now pay more for a plan with 3x the deductible and a smaller network. But I’m older; your math may be different.

    6. I'm just here for the cats*

      Not really an answer but I thought I would put it o her for information if anyone needs it. If you do go through healthcare.gov to purchase, and later get health insurance from your employer, make sure you go through all the steps to cancel the coverage. I kept getting bills for copays but couldn’t figure out why. I didn’t do something right.

  22. Loopy*

    Warning: Covid talk

    Is anyone else in a spiking US state and really struggling? I have a lot of strong anti-mask sentiment where I am and everyone is acting normal while my overall emotional health is seriously taking a nose dive as I reach my breaking point with the entirety of the situation (which is also impacted by other major events but I don’t want to get political here, per rules).

    I’m happy for those in the US and around the world who are starting to really see progress and get back to normal safely, but I am so jealous is hurts and depression is becoming a real obstacle to every day life. This particular situation/stage of pandemic is harder for me, way harder.

    My actual question regarding this is: This massive situation feels so beyond self care. I don’t think all the long walks/naps/baths in the world would world to make me feel better and so I’m struggling for ways to carry on as normal because where I am everyone is acting normal now. Has anyone in a similar boat found any helpful methods for carrying on in a state similar to mine?

    1. nep*

      I hear you. If only those who are acting as if COVID doesn’t exist were the only ones affected by their recklessness, but alas…
      I don’t know whether it would resonate with you at all, but Jon Kabat-Zinn did 14 weeks of daily sessions (he never missed a single day) leading a meditation, talking, and addressing people’s questions. In some sessions he did get at the issue of coping with careless people. You’d have to browse through some–but actually pretty much everything he says is helpful, whatever the subject.

    2. sswj*

      I’m also in an exploding state, though my immediate area is not quite as bad. I work in retail too, so I see a lot of people come through our doors. Our store has a strict Must Have Face Covering rule, and we are free to remind people to wear it correctly. It’s still nerve-wracking though to see how dismissive people can be.

      My strategy is to take exceptional care of me while doing as many “normal” routine things as possible. I guess I have an edge a bit since I’m going out to work every day, but I also do things like errands for food and supplies, an occasional visit with friends, a meal out, a drive-around to go exploring. I’ve also done a run to the garden center for plants and the pet store for goldfish because those things make me happy and I can devote my home-time to them.

      When I’m out in public I am masked, of course. I have sanitizer on me and use it frequently if the store doesn’t have any for public use. I try and run errands without a timeframe in mind because if the store is busy I will do my utmost to stay in my own space bubble, even if that means waiting for an aisle to clear or backtracking and zigzagging to shop in clear areas. When we went out for dinner we found a restaurant that did it right – nice big space with seating blocked off appropriately, servers in masks, etc. (It helped that we went at an odd hour too, 3 pm or so). Whenever I’m out doing “normal” things I stick to my distancing+mask+hygiene protocols, and I don’t let anyone or anything divert me.

      Being hyper-vigilant like this IS tiring, but I can then come home and eat good food, play with my animals, admire my plants, and do all my normal household routines. It’s not perfect, and I try and suppress the sadness and the fear, but this current state of affairs I can probably live with for a while and not go nuts. I’m taking exceptional care of me and in turn I hope I’ll also be taking care of others, even if they don’t want me to.

    3. Ranon*

      I think I am doing okay (also in a spiking state) because I always thought this would happen and frankly I thought we would do it a lot sooner. We never had a first peak and apparently some folks including our governor just aren’t going to believe that you really have to fundamentally change how things work until we have herd immunity or a vaccine if you don’t want to overwhelm hospitals (and I do believe even the most reckless folks don’t want to overwhelm hospitals, but they likely didn’t believe their behavior could cause them to be overwhelmed because it didn’t happen because we, you know, prevented it the first time)

      So, all this being to some extent inevitable because people are, well, people, I’m glad that we at least waited to do this until we had a treatment that significantly reduces the death rate for those on ventilators and oxygen (it’s still not good but I’ll take 1/5 over 1/4 any day), treatments that keep people off ventilators in the first place (laying on your stomach, who knew!) and protocols to reduce risks from blood clots (that we didn’t even know existed a few months ago). Plus loads of convalescent plasma around, I think the blood banks are pretty well stocked on that front (but if you can, donate blood, they still need whole blood)

      It’s still a stupid experiment that I wish we weren’t doing and it’s still going to result in a bunch of unnecessary deaths, but, well, probably not so many as if we’d tried it on March.

      So, I guess my advice is cynicism with a side of “could be worse, there could be alligators in here with us” (i.e. we could be doing this without all the knowledge about the disease we’ve acquired in the intervening months since this started)

      1. Ranon*

        Oh, and in personal behavior we’re still pretty much rolling with the stay at home order life of groceries, curbside takeout, and outdoor recreation in our family group away from other people because, well, it’s not like the virus changed so this is our normal until it does or we get a really blockbuster treatment.

      2. Ranon*

        Oh, and in “how to manage having a body that is having a big stress response” I highly recommend Emily Nagoski’s book Burnout and a piece she wrote on Medium after the 2016 election called “Despair, and its Cure”. She’s great at explaining how brain stuff and body stuff influence each other and how changing your body stuff can change your brain stuff.

        1. Natalie*

          She also has a podcast with her sister about the same subject if that’s more your format: Feminist Survival Project 2020.

    4. LGC*

      Hi, I’m probably you from two months in the future! And I’m going to dump a diary post because…well, I think it might be relevant.

      I mentioned in the thread above, but I’m from New Jersey. Masks weren’t that much of a question – Governor Murphy kind of made it for us back in April – but the issue was that we got hammered about two weeks after Italy and the US as a whole (and our area especially) wasn’t prepared. So we were really flying blind – I made a lot of dark jokes about how you couldn’t get tested for COVID unless you were dead, and that wasn’t that far from the truth. Intellectually, I know the situation’s better now, but even still I can’t help but think that getting tested myself would prevent someone else from getting a test.

      And I was jealous too that the rest of the country seemed to be dealing well with things. I was ashamed when Florida announced they’d be quarantining people from New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut. I felt dirty and sinful.

      In April, I was thoroughly convinced that by this time, we’d still be logging 400 deaths a day and we’d have over 30,000 dead in my state by June. (To put this in perspective, the town I live in is around 25,000 people, and the town my parents live in is just over 30,000.) I was shocked to open a news article in late May and see that…things were actually improving, because I’d so thoroughly convinced myself that they never would, and that it wasn’t a matter of if I got COVID, fell ill, and landed in my local hospital’s ICU (shout out to Valley!), it was a matter of when. I was bracing myself for the inevitable call from my job that someone had died of COVID, and that came on April 29.

      And then…eventually things started to subside. Especially in New York, where the pandemic kind of burned itself out, but also in New Jersey. Stores reopened. Outdoor dining reopened – in fact, my town shut down the center to turn it into a huge street cafe. My running club started meeting for group workouts again. I returned to work in the office. Barber shops reopened last week. We’re getting some indoor dining back this week. New Jersey Transit is returning to full service next week (previously, trains and light rail were on modified holiday service). And cases continued to fall – NJ was having a slow decline, but we saw consistent declines week after week.

      But the secret is…I don’t feel like I’m back to “normal,” or at least what I would have considered normal in February. Some things have subsided – like, my fear and guilt every time I leave the house, that I’m being reckless and getting myself sick (or worse, getting other people sick). But I’m still REALLY thoughtful about where I go – do I need to go see my parents this week? I want to see my friends, but should I? What’s socially responsible to do? Obviously, I just don’t leave the house without a mask. I’m afraid to take my mask off when I do see my parents, and I haven’t hugged them since COVID really got underway in the US. I haven’t seen my best friends (or any friends other than my running group) in person since February. I have a lot of resentment for my job because they take up so much of my contact budget. I’m still a little antsy whenever I hear an ambulance. I was terrified to go within even three blocks of the hospital until this month.

      And honestly, even this site feels less fun. It feels like I’m not a good person for not being able to socially distance enough and that I’m adding to the problem – that if I don’t shut myself in my apartment for months on end, I’m a plague spreader.

      But also…I’ve started caring much more about the community. I feel like I’m more responsible – although I’m much more cautious, it’s not entirely a bad thing. I’ve had to re-examine a lot of things with my life, and I’ve become much less high-strung about minor things. I’ve rediscovered my passion for running and why I enjoyed it. And although I wrote a lot about all the bad that’s gone on…I’m hoping that eventually the good will outweigh it, because the bad is already beginning to fade a bit. I wish we never had to go through the hell we went through in the spring, but at least I’ve become a better citizen.

      So, I don’t want to scare you, but…that was what it was like for me riding out the epidemic in suburban NJ. It’ll be a bit different for you – when we went through it, we didn’t have knowledge, but at least we had willpower, and you guys are facing the reverse – but…like, I’m hoping there will be a bend. Even the governors who were initially most resistant – like Ron DeSantis and Greg Abbott and Doug Ducey – are taking measures now against the virus. I’m hoping that by September you guys will be on the mend, and just maybe…the people who responded with arrogance are humbled.

      Maybe you’ll finally see a guy in a Trump 2020 shirt emerge from your local burrito shop with his face covered (like I did last week). Maybe the Florida Woman (I think that meeting was from Florida – she is spiritually a Florida Woman regardless) who declared in a viral video that she doesn’t wear a mask for the same reason she doesn’t wear underwear will be viewed as weird…for her mask aversion (and not just for her TMI). Maybe when things can finally reopen, your area will start caring a bit more about others and not rushing headlong into frivolous normalities like crowding packed bars and stuff.

      And maybe you’ll go through months of trauma and fear. Maybe your emotions will skitter out of control, and they’ll continue doing that for months – even now, I had a breakdown when I was talking with my therapist last week because I’m just so exhausted of dealing with EVERYTHING and having to worry about every step I take and why can’t I just have a moment where I can just let my guard down. But I think that you’ll start to come out the other side.

      COVID is a brutal disease, and many US officials even now refuse to acknowledge that. It feels like it’ll be forever. But it’s…not. True to form, I’m going to say that it might not even be a marathon, it’s an ultra-marathon. But even ultras have a finish line.

      As an aside: if we banned politics from the comments, I’d have to ban myself from even looking at this site. The issue isn’t politics, it’s that pretty much everything in our existence (and heck, even existing) is political, according to a lot of people.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think the key word is “acting”. Everyone is “acting” normal. This does not mean they think it’s back to normal now. It merely says that they can carry a pretense of normalcy.
      I think we all can see here that plenty of people are still pretty worried. I do think that some life functions have to be dealt with and people are using that as a tool to help themselves along. I think many folks are inching along going instance by instance to figure out how they will handle each scenario.

      All that said, my wise friend used to talk about misplaced fears. Sometimes we worry about X and do ten things to help ourselves with X. But we can remain super worried. My wise friend said that this often happens because our real worry is NOT X. It’s something entirely unrelated. This may or may not apply to you. It could be that you have set aside some other concerns and those concerns are eating away at you because they are not getting more of your attention.

      If the misplaced fears idea does not resonate with you, my next suggestion is to deliberately channel your thinking to the “can-do” side of the issue. It’s one thing to make a long list of things we can’t do. Peach. This means we have set limits. It’s easy to neglect the second step of looking for what we WILL do. This should come to us automatically but somehow it doesn’t. We all have lists of things that we “will do when we get the time”. What’s on your list? Is there something there that you are willing to start doing today/this week?
      Keep in mind that it is a basic human need to be productive, to be growing. This means you’re not at all wrong to feel stymied, stunted, shut off from life. Think of it this way, if you lacked food and clean water it would be immediately apparent, yeah, there’s a problem here. Well the need to be productive and to grow ourselves is on the same level as food and water. If we don’t have this productivity and/or growth it can feel like we are wilting or even dying in the inside. Yeah, it’s a problem and a big one. So here an idea would be to check in with your “some day I will do…” list. If you go this route pick something that is realistic. Pick something that you will actually complete. Feelings of success are super important. We can have a special type of starvation if we go too long without experiencing success from something.

    6. LQ*

      The massive situation feels so beyond self-care is true. I’ve been struggling since this started and going through my own brand of hell the whole way. I think that part of it is finding some way to accept that it won’t be carrying on as normal for you. Even if other people are. You need to find ways to carve out something for you even if it’s new, or old. But it doesn’t need to be what other people are doing. This is the new normal part of it.

      And honestly, there are some things I just lie to myself about. “I’m too busy (not entirely a lie but…) to go to the grocery store that’s why I deliver and tip outrageously well.” I’m going to pretend the other part of that doesn’t exist. I’m not really opposed to a good lie sometimes and you may be, so this may not work for you. But it’s been working for me on a few things like that. Making really fancy brunch for myself and reading and telling myself how much I enjoy cooking (sort of true) and ignoring the (actually true) thing that I can’t go out to brunch with the people I love and feel this horrible aching loniness gutting me.

    7. D3*

      Yes, I am. Weary and struggling.
      So tired of the anti mask movement and how none of them seem to give a damn about how their actions can affect others. So tired of them insisting that high risk people should just stay home so that they can exercise their effing “liberty” to not wear a mask and not get shamed for it.
      When you CHOOSE not to wear a mask, thereby making a CHOICE to do something that endangers high risk people (and everyone else, too!) who just need food to eat, then YOU should choose to stay home.
      Meanwhile, our state has record numbers of cases and deaths pretty much every other day….
      I feel like the good will and community spirit that seemed to be everywhere at first was all a sham and now people’s real selfishness is coming out.

    8. Reba*

      No suggestion, but wanted to share that we looked at a therapy intake questionnaire that included “bothered by feeling afraid as if something awful might happen.”

      And we grimly laughed because it didn’t include an option for “every hour of every day.”

      Solidarity.

    9. Nita*

      Sending you good thoughts from NYC. In my experience, you will soon see a shift in how people around you react. We went from people with masks on getting shocked looks on the subway, to most people wearing masks (or, by now, at least having one on them in case they end up in a crowd). We went from people laughing at anyone who freaked out about their plans to travel/go to the theater/attend sports events, to many people wanting nothing to do with crowded things indoors. I wish this had happened sooner. Maybe many lives would have been saved. But every state thinks it won’t come to them, why, I have no idea. In any case, you can do things to protect yourself – at the very least, minimize shopping and get delivery if possible, try to find non-crowded places to be outside, and remember this will pass.

      Also, no one’s sure if this is true yet, but doctors think the virus may be mutating to a less deadly form once it’s been around people for a while. I’m hearing that here in NY and NJ, the people coming in with COVID symptoms have much milder cases than before. If that’s the case, I hope the states currently having outbreaks got the “lite” version of the virus.

      1. Ranon*

        The science I follow (mostly through This Week in Virology) says no signs of significant mutation (in fact it’s mutating quite slowly which is good news for a vaccine), but certainly treatments have improved so it’s quite likely we’re seeing a lower death rate- it’s just very unlikely it’s from changes in the virus rather than changes in us

        1. LGC*

          Also – I think the “good” news for the Sun Belt is that younger people are getting infected. And there’s probably one more point of good news: I have NJ’s numbers seared into my brain, but…there were something like 65,000 people in residential nursing care across the state in March. Of those, something like one in eight have died since then.

          One of our biggest mistakes was putting COVID patients in nursing homes. My hope is that if Arizona, Texas, and Florida avoid that they can head off the shockingly high death tolls seen here. (On the other hand, we do not have The Villages, so…)

          1. Nita*

            I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news! Florida is full of retirees. If the younger people start infecting the older people… I hope it won’t happen, because many of the seniors are living away from their families (who are in other states). But it’s still impossible to truly self-isolate once you’re older and in poor health.

      2. pancakes*

        There’s a team of disease modelers at Columbia University whose analysis indicates that if we’d started social distancing a week earlier, 36,000 lives would likely have been saved — in the NYC area alone, they projected 21,800 lives could’ve been saved.

    10. Kiwi with laser beams*

      “I’m happy for those in the US and around the world who are starting to really see progress and get back to normal safely, but I am so jealous is hurts”

      As someone who won the covid response lottery, don’t spend one moment worrying about trying to be happy for people in my country. Be as jealous as you need to be; it’s incredibly unfair.

  23. Talk to me about tattoos*

    I’ve been contemplating getting a tattoo (actually 2 separate ones) for a few years and think I’m ready to actually get one. What I would like to get is a Mama Wolf (sitting) nose to nose with a pup and have a sort of ghost silhouette of a second pup out of the mama.
    I had always thought I’d get this on my back but now that I’m really ready to get it I’m not so sure. If I’m getting this for myself why am I putting it in a place I can’t see it? I can’t really think of where else to put it.
    So tell me all the things I’m no considering. How much work is caring for a tattoo? How does location affect caring for it? How often am I going to want it touched up? What do I not know?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      I have several pieces, including one on my back. Ironically, I like the one on my back the most, but I tend to forget it’s there because I never see it! My husband’s back is fully covered and he also forgets frequently. So do bear in mind that you will not get the enjoyment from constantly seeing it on your back.

      As for care, once you’re out of the healing stage, it’s just sunblock and lotion like any other skin. The back can be tricky while it’s healing to get your lotion on it, though. Ask your artist about touch ups, if you want colour or have a ton of super fine detail and shading, you may want to get it touched up after a year or so. But you don’t have to if you don’t want to, I’ve had pieces for years and years and never had them retouched at all.

      Fair warning that tattoos are addictive after you get your first! Take all the time you want on finding an artist you really adore, even if they have a long wait list. It’s worth it. And definitely eat something substantial and drink plenty of water beforehand, and come prepared with a snack for afterwards.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Haha – it is so true about them being addictive. I meant to stop at one and now I have four…

        2. willow for now*

          I was thinking about what I would get for my next one while I was on the table for the first one!

    2. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      I have tattoos on my shoulder, lower back, wrist and foot. Re location: you will need to be able to put cream on it while it heals or have someone do this for you. (I used a particular cream that my tattooist specified I should get.)

      You want to make sure you can care for it, but ultimately I would prioritise where you would like to have it – don’t sacrifice your location of choice just because it will be easier for a few weeks of caring for it, after which you’ll have it for life.

      The only time location was a major factor was with my foot – I had to wrap it in cling film when I put shoes on, or just stay barefoot.

      You will also need to put sun cream on it if it’s exposed. But you can always use a spray if needed eg to reach your back.

      Not sure you would need to have it touched up – mine are all just black and haven’t needed it, can’t speak to coloured ones.

      You could ask for a fitting (where they do it with temporary ink) so you can check you’re happy with how it looks on you.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Don’t ask “is this spot going to hurt” as a factor in your location decision-making. Two reasons for that – one, the answer isn’t the same for everybody, my most-painful spot was my sister’s least and vice versa. Two, the pain is temporary. Pick the spot you want, recognize that it might be unpleasant for a couple hours, and suck it up. :)

      On the ouch factor – most spots, it feels like a combination of a cat scratch and a sunburn, that just happens to go on for a while.

      On the back: You will wake up at least once, looking at the ceiling, going “Oh, crap, I rolled over on it in the middle of the night and ruined it forever.” You did not ruin it forever. I have *counts* seven, I think, on my back. I rolled over on all of them. None of them are ruined.

      On touch-ups: I’ve only ever had one touched up, and that was my very first one. I’ve had others modified – I have one that I originally got as a heart with a crack in it, several years later we “stitched up” the crack and added a line of text (sort of) around it, for example. But most of mine are primarily blackwork.

      Other placement options that are both easy to conceal and easy for you to see, if you decide the back is too out-of-sight for you: backs of calves, fronts of thighs. I’ve done both (see also, seven on my back, I don’t have much room left there anymore).

      Caring for: your tattoo artist may offer you some specialized tattoo balm. There’s (probably) no harm in that, but you don’t need anything fancier than regular old vitamin a&d ointment. Do not not not use anything like Neosporin, and don’t OVERuse whatever ointment you do use. Personally, if a tattoo artist tells me their practice is to saran-wrap a fresh tattoo immediately after finishing it, I would get up and walk out without continuing further consultation, but I recognize that there are differing schools of thought on this. (Mine is that saran-wrapping fresh wounds is just ASKING for infection and unpleasantness. My artists in the past have all covered lightly with gauze for the first couple hours, which is my preference.)

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        I’ve never had the saran-wrap treatment, but with my newest piece the artist used Saniderm, which is a breathable clear bandage. Slapped that sucker right on, left it on for 24 hours, then took it off, washed it, and reapplied a new piece of it, which I left on for I think about 48 more hours. Honestly, it was a total game-changer. It healed gorgeously, I didn’t have any of the itching or weeping you normally experience, and once I took it off my tattoo was very happy with a little bit of Aquaphor a couple of times a day. What a revelation. The colour stayed beautifully and I had close to 0 discomfort through the entire process. Amazing.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Wait, so I could potentially get a behind-the-ear tattoo? People keep telling me that’s a terrible idea and that it will be excruciatingly painful, but it’s what I want… :p

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ve seen them. I will say, they seem to fade pretty quickly, but if that’s what you want… knock yourself out :)

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Sometimes happiness is having a lizard tattoo behind your ear. I think that’s very valid of me.

        2. BeeJiddy*

          I have a behind the ear tattoo. It didn’t hurt at all, in fact it kind of tickled at some points. It’s also held up really well over the years.

    4. San Juan Worm*

      I have two tattoos — and both had a place that “felt right.” So if your back feels right, go for it! I have one that’s harder for me to see, but just knowing it’s there is enough. An earlier commenter mentioned individual pain thresholds — so true! I was nervous about the inner wrist on my forearm piece because others had said it was a painful spot. Not true for me! At worst, it felt like a combination of a cat scratch and deep tissue massage. After 20 minutes on a three-hour piece I felt a little woozy (the body registers trauma even if your mind knows it’s elective), but asked to stop and have a drink of cold water and felt better. (Your tattoo artist should accommodate your need for a break or water.) One consideration is whether you have any allergies. You’d be surprised at what tattoo ink is made out of. I have inconvenient allergies to ingredients in both traditional ink and aftercare products, but both allergies are to animal products so finding a vegan tattoo studio worked for me! Don’t be afraid to ask questions or visit the studio before you book an appointment — it’s a lifetime investment and most artists take pride in their work and studio.

    5. The One True Church of Ecucatholicism*

      > What do I not know?

      I don’t know if it is obvious or not, but there are people in the world who will judge you negatively if you have a tattoo. I’m one of them. Sorry. But unless it is for medical reasons or it’s a membership requirement for lifelong commitment to some kind of military organization, I look at a person with a tattoo and subtract points from their IQ. Sometimes a LOT of points. Again, sorry. I have what I believe are justifiable reasons[1] for why I feel this way. Note that many people with tattoos take pains to ensure they can be obscured if necessary. But why is this “necessary”? Answer: because there are many people who will judge them negatively if they see the tattoo.

      And, tattoos get rather gnarly over time. There’s some pop-music singer guy who has “California” plus about 20 other things tattooed on his chest, and when I see him I think “wow, he’s gonna look *even worse* in 15 years”.

      I’ve never seen one, but there are probably websites that glorify tattoos and show you all of the rich, brilliant, and successful people who have tattoos. Offhand, I’m not certain who those people are. Bill Gates? The Pope? Dr. Anthony Fauci?

      I’ve expressed my opinion here before – over time, a number of people have asked AAM variations on the question “Will a tattoo cause me problems at work?” (which I think is something to note in itself) – and everyone jumped on me. But I have no malice and I feel like I’m being honest: you asked what you don’t know. Obviously I don’t know what you don’t know. But I feel a duty to bring up the negative side of tattooing, not unlike if someone asked here about the wisdom of trepanation, or of shooting heroin.

      [1] just MHO, but it signifies a fundamental disregard for the long term.

      2. anon 4 this*

        This reads as not just judgmental, but a circular attempt at rationalizing that judgmentality. In the Western world, the sense I have is that the onetime taboo has dropped way, way off in the last few decades, as with colorful hair. Most of the people I know who have tattoos got them because they wanted to decorate their body that way, and most of the people I know who do not have tattoos got them because they did not want to decorate their body that way. I don’t have much faith in IQ tests since the history is so racist and otherwise bogus, but controlling for age, the tattoo rate among my friends with graduate degrees is about the same as it is among those without. I could say the same for piercings, makeup, hairstyles, etc. These things are found across human societies of the past and present and are pretty normal.

        1. The One True Church of Ecucatholicism*

          Judgmental? Absolutely. It’s not a crime.

          Regardless of your anecdotal feelings on the matter, I wrote what I wrote because I wanted the OP to understand that getting a tattoo may cause her difficulties. For instance

          “Broussard and Harton assert that despite the increasing popularity of tattoos over the last decade, people with tattoos are viewed negatively. Pejorative perceptions of tattooed people abound, including having negative personality characteristics, lower levels of inhibition, competence, and sociability, and higher levels of promiscuity. Studies focusing exclusively on tattooed women have found that they are judged more harshly than their male counterparts. Research reveals that women with this form of body art are perceived as more promiscuous, as being heavy drinkers, less attractive, less caring, less intelligent, and less honest. Moreover, tattooed individuals are particularly vulnerable to workplace discrimination, as it is legal to discriminate for being in violation of company policies concerning appearance. Remarkably, one study found that hiring managers would not hire a person with a visible tattoo, because it would taint the company’s image — and they don’t like them. This finding comports with interviews with tattooed individuals, who report that they have had difficulty finding work, because they have visible body art.” – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/head-games/201809/are-people-tattoos-stigmatized

          It’s pretty easy to Google up lots of references to how tattooed people are stigmatized.

          Tattoos are a lot like smoking – many people view it as a choice, and a poor one at that. Speaking of which, tattooed women tend to smoke 5x as much as women without tattoos.

          Additionally, there’s sobering stuff like this:

          “We found more negative cognitive and emotional aspects of self-esteem in women with tattoos as compared to controls without tattoos. Our results correspond with previous studies [16–18]. The notion that those with low self-esteem tend to tattoo their bodies, is consistent with the phenomenon of self-mutilation in teenage girls. It is well-known, that those with self-mutilating behavior have low self-esteem [61]. It is noteworthy that a study by Varma and Lanigan [62], showed that in 48% of the cases the main reason for tattoo removal was the desire to improve one’s self-esteem. The hypothesis is supported by other studies showing greater maladjustment in persons with tattoos. For example, suicide victims were twice as likely to have tattoos compared to a matched sample of accidental-death victims observed in the same clinic [63].” – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6347139/

          Additionally, there’s at least one major world religion that prohibits tattoos.

          Now here’s the thing: Yes, I personally have a low opinion of tattoos. But it’s not *just* me: there is quite a lot of evidence that says that many – maybe most – people agree with me. That is what I am attempting to convey with the material above. And I feel that anyone considering a tattoo should take a good look at the downsides along with whatever upsides they perceive.

          All that said, you argue that “Most of the people I know who have tattoos got them because they wanted to decorate their body that way, and most of the people I know who do not have tattoos got them because they did not want to decorate their body that way.“ And I truly don’t know how to respond to that.

          Of course, there’s always this: https://vimeo.com/69310297

      3. Taniwha Girl*

        This isn’t as convincing as you think it is…
        “Do old white people have tattoos? No? So why would you get one?” Many many rich, brilliant, and successful people have tattoos. A lot of regular people under 50 have them nowadays too, they’re becoming much more normalized. Certainly not like shooting heroin, yeesh. Are you a time traveler from the 1920s?

        I don’t like tattoos aesthetically either, but I don’t think people are stupid for getting them. I don’t think bleach blonde hair and fake tan looks good on anyone but people do that too.

        Some people will judge you for getting a tattoo OP, but as you can see, their logic doesn’t really make sense, so I wouldn’t factor that into your decision.

    6. Not My Money*

      I have 6 tattoos and can see 4 of them – my favorite place is inside the forearm but you have to be willing to cover that up if needed for work or something. The upper arm is always good for being able to see but easy to cover but you don’t get the best view of it. The early tattoos were more work – lots of healing time, some weeping and scabbing. The later ones have been much better (the last one they used Saniderm and it healed fast and easy). I’ve had a couple of them touched up – added more detail/expanded the design/cleaned up a spot that scabbed over and lost its ink but I do need to get the color touched up on one that’s faded a bit. And I have 3 more that I know I want to get so yes, addictive.

    7. Sick of Workplace Bullshit*

      As far as pain, it’s true everyone is different, but places like over bone, or the back of the arm, or anywhere that you are particularly sensitive, will hurt more. If you are a person who menstruates, DO NOT get a tattoo the week of your period. It was noticeably more painful for me then.

      I usually use regular Lubriderm lotion on the tattoo 3-4 times a day when it’s new. I’ve also had one with New Skin (?), and it was good.

      Any good artist will do a follow-up a few months after for touchups. I have had colour re-applied to one of my smaller ones. Also, sunscreen when you are out is a must!

      As far as placement, I like to see mine. But also think about what you might want to get later and chose a spot you can add other things around.

      Good luck!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        And see, I wasn’t going to get specific, but my least-painful spot is in fact over bone. So.

  24. DIY newbie*

    I have a hole in the wall where the pipes that go to my bathroom sink go. Any suggestions on how I can fill this hole?

    1. Ranon*

      Assuming it’s a normal plumbing hole size in drywall and you’re cool with repainting a drywall patch kit should do the trick.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My friend who is a builder, ordinarily uses a product called handy foam. But he uses it in cupboards and other hidden areas. It expands out like whip cream coming out of an aerosol can. There are different types, low expanding, medium expanding and very expanding (sorry, not the exact terms used on the can but enough to give you the idea. ) You can get this at a hardware store. If you ask for handy foam they will know what you want.

      The other route to go is the one I have used. But I am not sure if I would do this next to pipes.
      This involves making a backstop and then using spackle to fill in around the pipes.
      1. The backstop. Get a small piece of window screen, estimate the size you will need and cut it to size. You probably will be able to cut it with regular scissors, just be careful. You want to cut it just a little bit bigger than the hole so it does not pull through. You can probably get scrap screen from friends/neighbors, it does not have to be new or in good condition.
      2. Put a piece of thread through the middle holes of the your piece of screening. I use a sewing needle to get the thread in. The thread becomes your “handle” for holding on to the screen. Make it a generous length so it is easier to hang on to.
      3. Bend (do not fold or put a hard crease in the screen) and push it through the hole, while keeping a good grip on the thread. If you lose the screen (down into the wall) in this step you can just start over and make a new back stop. I have never once lost the screen in the wall- it really does not get away from you.
      4. Get the screen in place so it covers the hole. This is actually easier than it sounds. Don’t let go of the thread- maybe you can anchor it to something if you have to step away for any reason.
      5. Take the spackle and apply it over the screen with a putty knife. It’s okay to mound it up a tiny bit higher than the rest of the wall. Matter of fact you probably should because spackle shrinks as it dries. You can get small plastic jars of spackle at the hardware store. You do not have to buy a big bucket.
      6. Let the spackle dry. The instructions tell you how long and I like to wait a bit longer than the instruction say.
      7. Once dry, cut the visible thread off. You can sand it down and paint it to match.
      I know this sounds hard. The first time I tried it I was amazed at how easy it was. I have done, ahem, a few (okay more than a few) holes now…. pups do this they create holes in the walls sometimes….. I was very happy with the results as I don’t consider myself good at stuff like this.

      I hope these explanations make sense, come back with any questions you have. My only caution words are about chosing the spackle method next to pipes. I am not too sure on that especially since I can’t see what you are doing.

    3. Venus*

      How big is the hole and why do you want to fill it? Drywall patch comes to mind, but if you want an ugly tight fit to keep animals from passing through then steel wool and spray inflating foam to keep it in place.

    4. Colette*

      It depends on how big the hole is. If it’s significant (I,e bigger than a quarter or so) you will need to cut a piece of drywall to fit (and probably add some wood on the back to fasten the drywall to) then tape, add the drywall mud, let it dry, and sand and paint.

      This is not hard to do, just a lot of steps.

      Alternatively, if you will need access to that part of the pipes again, you could go with something like this: https://www.leevalley.com/en-ca/shop/hardware/electrical/access-covers/76250-flexisnap-access-panels

    5. Red Sky*

      If you’re talking about the hole cut out for the pipes to go thru, there’s a covering for that called an escutcheon plate that you can purchase at any Lowes or Home Depot. You’ll need a split escutcheon plate since I’m assuming you wont be able to remove the pipe to install it.

  25. Not So NewReader*

    I’d like to thank everyone who answered my question about Covid testing, I did go back and look later to see if there were more responses and I found more very good answers. Please know I checked for more replies and I appreciate.

    Last week someone was talking about smart watches. I am thinking I have to have a cell or something to make my watch interactive. What bothers me is that there is NO brand name on the watch at all. It came with a tiny booklet written in less than size 6 font and there is no manufacturer name there either. I thought all products sold in the US had to have the name of the manufacturer on them and/or package materials. (Red flag number one.)

    The real problem is this watch came into my life in an iffy manner. A place that sells cars was offering smart watches to x number of people just for stopping in. (Bigger red flag.) Ordinarily, I skip this stuff, but a friend really wanted to go so we stopped. I came out with this watch… and basically NO instructions. Worse yet, I don’t know how to find instructions for it. My parents failed to give me these genes at birth so it’s not in my genes. (Yes, getting a little annoyed.)

    My questions are:
    How do I find instructions for it, especially since I am not able to determine who made it?

    And the bigger question, am I wasting my energy on this, should I just toss it and move on? I did end up getting a little charger for it and it takes a charge just fine. It seems to be in good working order so far.

    PS: It’s okay if you explain this in very simple terms, because I am really a duck out of water here. Thanks in advance.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Re finding instructions for the smart watch: my only thought here would be to take a photo of it and try doing an image-search on that – but if it’s one of those sleek-line styles, there may not be enough detail for a good match. If there’s a smart-watch forum out there somewhere, maybe post the image there and ask if anyone recognizes it? [If the watch itself isn’t distinctive, a photo of the display might help…]

    2. Ranon*

      Is there a long sequence of numbers engraved on it anywhere? You can try typing it into a search engine and seeing what pops up- might be a model number.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I find this very strange, there are no numbers or letters on it anywhere. Likewise with the paper work, no identifying numbers at all. I get concerned with this type of thing because I know stuff is snuck past customs by various means and I am wondering if this is one of those items.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve got a cheap no name watch like that. I bought it from eBay. If you hook it up to a computer or Bluetooth it might pop up with a model number as its default name, which might help you find instructions.

    4. Pharmgirl*

      Are there any other cables besides the charger (e.g. a way to connect to a computer?). My first suggestion would be to plug it in to a computer and see what pops up – there’ll probably some type of program to set it up that you should see.

      If you only have the one cable and it’s a USB plug that end to a computer to see what happens.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It did not even come with charger. So I got the charger and that went well. But there are no cables included. Not very user friendly, I’d say. Maybe I’ll try getting a cable to my computer and see what happens.

    5. fposte*

      Nothing to add to the good suggestions already made, but it’s likely a super-cheap manufacture from AliExpress or someplace similar. I don’t know if it’s required to show a brand name if it’s for sale in the U.S., but it could be an item that technically isn’t for sale here. I wouldn’t consider it to be your fault if you couldn’t make it work–something like this isn’t really made to be useful, just to be as cheap as possible while still technically being a smart watch.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        You and I are close in age…. do you remember a law going into effect decades ago that said the manufacturer’s contact info had to be on the box or instructions?
        I guess the point is kind of moot because they did not bother anyway. haha.

        Yeah we have a lot of stuff now that is not really useful, more like a cheap illusion that any thing that is real.

    6. LGC*

      Is there a website on the box? IME, a lot of sketchy stuff from China will still include a website on it.

      …or did it come with a box? (Or is the website in 6-point font?)

      As a former aficionado of sketchy stuff from China (thanks Amazon!), I’ve had to do that song and dance myself. It’s something I actually had to pull up with my parents when they got a projector – the included packaging had terrible instructions, but digging through the website and finding the projector that matched it kind of helped us figure things out.

      Also, syncing it to your phone – if you haven’t done so already – might give you some info. Some of my devices will have the brand name or a model name – I’m wearing a Garmin watch right now, and when it syncs to my phone it shows its model name. Other devices are a bit wonky – my Bluetooth speaker is from a brand called “BlitzWolf,” but when I sync it it shows as “BW.”

      I would consider moving on if you can’t figure it out. It’s a “smartwatch,” but you might be better served by a well-known watch like a Fitbit, Apple Watch (the Series 3 is $199 now), or even an AmazFit watch.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, it has a box and no website on the box, either. It says smart phone on five sides of the box, the top says music player; micro USB universal serial bus; notifications with FB logo and pic of phone and it also says handsfree.
        It comes in red, white and black.

        I will def move on if I can’t work it into something from the posts here. But I at least feel like I gave it a really good chance.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Ya know, I am so very tempted. I might stop by next week and ask them. hahaha.

    8. nnn*

      Two options occur to me:

      1. If you can bother with reading the 6-point font in the booklet, google a phrase from the booklet. If the text is online somewhere, it might lead you to the brand.

      2. There’s a subreddit called “What is this thing?” (link in reply), where you can post photos of things and other people identify them. Someone might be able to recognize it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ooooh, I think I might be in serious trouble now. lol.

          Thank you so much for this very interesting link.

    9. Ron McDon*

      If you have a smartphone I would go into ‘Bluetooth’ (make sure the smart watch is powered on) and see if the name comes up on your phone when the Bluetooth connects.

      When I bought a cheap ‘Fitbit’ from Amazon I googled the name that came up when my phone’s Bluetooth searched for nearby devices, then found an app which meant I could change the settings and get it to work through my phone/iPad.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I knew you guys would be all over this one. It’s going to take a moment but I am going to run through many of these suggestions here and then make a decision about the watch. Even if I don’t end up keeping it I will know I gave it my best shot. Thank you to everyone for your suggestions and thoughts.

  26. Concerned Friend*

    Is there anyway to sneakily give food to a friend who is struggling financially?

    My friend Meg works in the theatre making props and costumes. It’s a hard career that forces her to stretch her money really far but she’s always been able to keep her head above water. Obviously Covid has shut down all the theatres she normally works for so she’s had no income for months. Meg has never had much in the way of savings since she lives paycheck to paycheck, and unemployment assistance is giving her difficulty because she’s technically a freelancer. I didn’t realize how bad it was until she said this week that she basically had no more money for food this month.

    I want to help her but I don’t know if I can. Meg will not accept a gift of cash or a loan. She often does commissions for friends, and myself and others have offered to give her advances on the commissions we want from her (since we can’t get together for fittings, Meg can’t make any of our commissions yet) but she refuses. She doesn’t seem to mind receiving gifts of food. I’ve been doing a lot of stress baking these quarantine months and always bring her some of whatever I bake. I’ve been grocery shopping for my mother to spare her from public contact; she’s very picky and I once bought her a few wrong items. I brought these to Meg saying I didn’t want them and she accepted them. It wasn’t much but at least it was something. I’m half tempted to buy some more ‘wrong’ groceries and give them to Meg.

    I know I can’t force Meg to accept help and that she might feel guilty and ashamed if I try to force assistance on her but I’m worried about my friend and don’t know what I can do to help. Myself and others have made it clear she can talk to us and ask us for help but she hasn’t reached out. I don’t think her family is in a great position to help her so she can’t turn to them. Is there anything I can do for her? I don’t want her to be hungry or homeless.

    2. Venus*

      Give her a tip / thank you money for work she has done in the past? I would do the anonymous gift certificate too. Or just an honest “I think you’re a great person and want to invest in your good health, because I’ve been lucky. Life sucks because you do great work and should be better compensated, and while I can’t change that bigger problem I can support a local artist.”

      I have been lucky to be well paid for some of my work, and I helped out a friend with the comment that it’s a weird quirk of life that society values my skills more than theirs, so I want to help rebalance that between us.

    3. Kate in Scotland*

      I would expand on your wrong things by using some face-saving story. In my case, I’m still buying most of my groceries as fixed boxes (meat box, fruit box, cheese box) so I’d start taking over ‘this was in the box this week but I don’t like it/ never get round to using it/ already have plenty’. Or ‘there were great 2 for 1 deals in the shop but I can’t use both’, or ‘I ordered 10kg of rice and had no idea how much that was’. Maybe ‘someone gave me this gift card but I never shop there, can you use it so it doesn’t go to waste’.
      My aim wouldn’t be to actually make Meg believe in my cover story – just to smooth the interaction.

      1. LQ*

        Agreed. This is what I’d do too. Oops an online order got it really wrong. Or turns out I accidentally got a flavor I hate. Or whatever. Also baked goods can be just “listen I’m bad at making the wrong amount and I’m sick of the 3 quarts of chili in my freezer” “I can’t eat a whole whatever, please do me a favor and take some”.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      Can you make some cooking errors in her favor? Like making something too spicy for you but not for her, or trying a new recipe and hating it. Or just not realizing how big a double batch really is. And since she accepts parts of baking, could you make empanadas or samosas or egg rolls and share? What you’re going for is giving her a way to feel as though she’s doing you a favor or that you’re sharing.

      1. Concerned Friend*

        This is a great idea, actually. She knows I’ve been cooking big batches of meals to share with my mother and that my mother is a picky eater. I could cook something that my mother ‘doesn’t like’ and share with her so the food doesn’t go to waste. Thanks!

        1. My Brain Is Exploding*

          I think I would just say, “Every Monday I’m going to make a big batch of something (Mom doesn’t like) (hard to make in a small batch) and I’m going to set aside some for you and drop it over on Tuesday. What time would work for you?” If she argues a bit about it, I’ve had good luck saying, “it’s about me … I need to feel like there is something I can do to help in these crazy times. It would be a blessing if you would let me.”

    5. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      It’s such a shame that you keep miscalculating your cooking quantities and making too much – but hey hopefully she can help you eat some of what you made…

      In other words, batch cook and give her some portions?

    6. Catskill Chill*

      This would only work once, but you could “arrange” for your fridge/freezer to go on the fritz, preferably shortly after a major freezer-stocking grocery trip. Must get rid of that food before it spoils! You could even do a combo of cooked food and unprepared. “I made two giant lasagnes with some of the hamburger, so here, take one lasagne plus the extra 5 lbs of frozen meat I simply cannot use!”

      That’s perhaps weirdly convoluted, but sometimes, needs must! Honestly, there’s so much chance that that could hurt her feelings if she ever found out that it would be so much more preferable to be able to help without subterfuge. Would she perhaps be open to visiting a food pantry? We all need a little help now and then!

    7. Anonnington*

      I would reframe this, starting with putting yourself in her position. Your interest in helping is great, but the “sneaky,” part is condescending. Imagine if someone was scheming to sneakily give you assistance, including lying to you? Most people would feel insulted and disrespected in that situation.

      Don’t lie to her. Don’t even lie by omission. Ask if she wants help. Offer things upfront – food, gift cards, whatever you want to give. If she says no, direct your resources towards groups that offer assistance to people (not just Food Bank; they require people to apply for government benefits before accessing the food, and that obviously isn’t a good fit for all situations. Also support orgs that don’t pre-screen).

      She’s an adult. She can seek help. But it sounds like she’s struggling with taking that plunge. So be a supportive friend and talk to her about it. Tell you care and you want her to have enough to eat. Keep checking in with her. Offer to support her in any way she wants, whether it’s direct assistance or going with her to get free food or just listening without passing judgment. And if she doesn’t want any of that, just accept it. This is a hard situation to be in and people deal with it in different ways. If she doesn’t want you to be involved, just be a good friend in other ways, do things you both enjoy, keep being a positive and respectful presence in her life.

        1. valentine*

          Lying seems worth it to stop her starving or becoming homeless. She might accept you signing her up for meal delivery. You could lie that it was a prize.

          1. Anonnington*

            I still wouldn’t. I would address it in more respectful ways.

            She might not be using the best judgment due to hunger and stress. Her friend(s) could take her out for a healthy meal, then express concerns, ask relevant questions, and try to convince her to accept some kind of help.

          2. Taniwha Girl*

            That’s just being a bad friend. You can’t force someone to accept your help. Let her have her dignity. If she is really desperate she will turn to her real friends for help, not ones who see her as a project.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      She does free lance work. Get a few of her business cards and give the cards to people you think would be seriously interested in hiring her. Perhaps you can find an NPO who could benefit from her work and would pay her.

      Set up a small garden, and whoops, you planted too much and now you need help using all the food. People tend to think of garden food as low cost/no cost so this might work well for her.

      I have a friend who lives paycheck to paycheck. He does not need to do this, he could build an easier life for himself. He wants the life he has. So there is that.
      But I seem to get volunteer squash in my compost pile. (Maybe I should turn the pile once in a while, ha!) I have my friend over to help me harvest because it becomes work to move 100 – 10# squash (average harvest and average weight). I “pay” him in squash. It’s actually kind of fun with two people working on it.

    9. fposte*

      I find also that people who don’t like feeling like they’re indebted can get behind a “pay it forward” message. “Meg, I’ve been really fortunate to have help in my life, and the understanding was that I’d somebody give a hand to somebody else, who’d then down the line give a hand to somebody else. Can you help me pay back my uncle/friends/whatever by contributing a few groceries this month, on the understanding that someday you’ll be able to do that for somebody who needs it yourself?”

      1. We all need help sometime in our lives*

        I think this is the most sensible suggestion. Many of us balk at the feeling or fact of owing someone, even when we could use help. Framing it as an ongoing social responsibility builds community and allows the recipient (Meg) to accept help as the repayment of a prior debt (you are paying it forward to Meg), and the commitment to pass it on to a future person (meg will pay it forward) when she is in a position to do so.

        Emphasize that you made a commitment to pay it forward, and SHE is helping YOU by accepting and giving you the opportunity to make your repayment.

    10. Still*

      How specific have you been in your offers? In my experience it can be much more difficult to accept some unknown quantity of money / help because you don’t really know what to expect or what exactly is being offered. Have you tried offering a VERY specific thing / amount?

    11. That’s One Idea*

      Could she make items on commission that don’t require a fitting such as pillow covers, curtains, masks, totes, etc.?

      1. Green great dragon*

        Face masks? Everyone needs them these days, and they’re not the easiest things to make.

      2. Pennyworth*

        No food ideas to add to those already given, but could you commission her to design and make something for you, or for a gift?

    12. KR*

      Can you mail her a card with a gift card to a grocery store? It might make it less awkward for her and if she doesn’t want to use it, she can pass it on.

    13. pancakes*

      If she doesn’t seem to mind receiving gifts why not just drop by with a bag of groceries now and then? Or sign her up for Rancho Gordo’s bean of the month club or something. I think it would be a lot less awkward to bring something over or send a gift and say “I was thinking of you” rather than make up stories about why or how you ended up with some sort of surplus.

    15. pieforbreakfast*

      I haven’t looked in awhile, but there used to be fund raisers with grocery store GCs, where you’d pay for a $50 card and the org selling would get a percentage of that. You could honestly say you were supporting a cause and don’t want the “thank you gift”.

    16. Oldbiddy*

      You could use the bulk food excuse and say it was practically the same price to buy a large package as a small one, and would she like some? It’s usually true, and also works for bulk cooking and even promotional deals at pizza places, etc.

    17. I'm just here for the cats*

      If you can afford it could you sign her up for some sort of food delivery like blue apron or something? I wonder if they do gifts wear they wouldn’t put you name any where.
      Otherwise, maybe look into a produce subscription where you get a certain amount of produce each week or month and you could gift her some. Like say “gosh I didnt realize how much zucchini I was going to get can I give you some of this stuff, my fridge is full”

    18. Sam I Am*

      You can also encourage her to sign up for food stamps. There’s plenty of food in this country, no one should be going hungry.

      It’s not simply about “being hungry.” For example, if your body systems don’t have the correct amount of calcium, your body will leech calcium from your bones to make up the difference. This will leave you prone to osteoporosis in the years to come, as after a certain age our bodies won’t create more deposits in the bones. Calcium is required for normal muscle and neural function, our bodies can’t function without it.

      This is just one example; in growing children, nutritional deficiency will be a drag on their bodies and minds throughout their lives. Strong citizens and a healthy workforce require proper nutrition; we all benefit in the end.

    19. The Time Being*

      When I was financially struggling to the point where I wasn’t getting enough food, a friend of mine kept me plied with fresh veggies by making the excuse that she’d overbought and wanted to make sure nothing went to waste. Pretty much just “Oh, geez, I got really enthusiastic buying onions/potatoes/green beans/etc last trip, then I realized I can’t possibly make all these before they go bad. Here, take half.” It was pretty transparent as far as excuses went, especially with how regular the “overbuying” was, but I wasn’t about to turn down the fresh veggies I couldn’t afford for myself.

      Granted, this was in the Times Before, so we were seeing each other face-to-face on a regular basis. Is it possible for you to include her in your quarantine bubble?

    20. Tex*

      Simpler is better. Just take a bag of groceries and tell her matter of factly, “These were extra” and then don’t talk about it. And maybe after a couple of times of doing it, leave them in the kitchen but don’t say anything because it’s now the normal thing you do.

      If it is pride that is standing in the way, then a cover story means she has to play along and acknowledge it. Eventually it will get weird.

      You’re a fantastic friend, OP.

    21. Anono-me*

      Do you belong to Costco or a similar membership store?

      If so, could you offer your friend the opportunity to go shares on some of your large bulk purchases?

      One of the frustrating things about having limited funds is the inability to take advantage of bulk purchase savings. (Example a 1 # bag of rice is $1.40 and a 20# bag of rice is $16.00, but you only have $15.00 for groceries, plus the membership fee is a budget buster all by itself.)

      Your friend would be able to significantly stretch her own buying power and help you save money. This could be a win for both that does not create much of a power imbalance in your friendship. (If she mentions the membership fee, maybe you can tell her you will only split the annual rebate payment amount over the fee.)

  27. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Questions are encouraged in the hope that we can help you, and everything – indoor, outdoor, and otherwise – counts. No garden is too big or small.

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      My potatoes and peppers are really leggy and tall. I’m pretty sure it’s from not enough sun, but they’re in a raised bed so I don’t think there’s a fix this season. The peaches on one of my trees all have a sort of sap oozing from them. Does anyone know what causes it? This tree is not a high producer, so I’m just picking them all. It wasn’t supposed to be a peach year anyway. This far north the trees only produce every other year. I still have peaches in the freezer from last year and I’m just not excited about more.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I’ve got lots of blossoms on the tomatoes, eggplant, peppers, and tomatillos (all in containers), with some of them starting to form fruit, but it’ll be a while yet before I can start harvesting. We’re having a bit of a drought (southern NH), and it’s also been pretty warm, so I have to top off the self-watering planters daily, but I’m rather glad I didn’t try to put in a full garden this year. I do have some squash plants set out in a cleared space in the overgrown garden area, and I have to hand-water those; making use of my rain barrel for that!

      1. Venus*

        I’m using my rain barrel and watering by hand here too. I use the hose in the back, because I have some new plants and I’m too lazy to walk the rainwater to the backyard…
        We keep hoping for some solid rain!

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I need to repot some split leaf philodendron but I’m quite scared. They both have large Ariel roots going every which way and the pots are the ones I bought them in last year… do I need to go deeper or just wider? They are currently in 1.72 gal buckets

      1. Reba*

        How cool!

        You can pot them up in size and they will keep growing larger.

        You can also repot, not pot up in size.

        Remove from the pots, gently clean off old soil (hands and optional dampen the root ball), trim away any damaged or rotting roots, and repot in same pots, washed, with fresh potting mix. Make sure you have a mix that’s compatible.

        If they are really pot-bound, consider pruning the roots — perhaps during a future repotting in a couple years, since I think it’s best to do it before the growing season. I don’t think enough people know about this aspect of houseplant care! This is basically stunting the plant’s growth, but intentionally.

        You can trim the aerial roots or leave them and turn some of them back into the soil, up to you.

        It is daunting, but don’t be afraid!

        I found a detailed post about this on the HouseplantHouse website with helpful pictures.

    4. NeverNicky*

      It’s doing well – we have had more rain but plenty if sun so perfect conditions here in the East of England.

      Flower wise we’re in a bit of a lull but Monty Don on Gardener’s World is too so that’s okay . That said, the various lavatera are in full bloom, the buddleja is starting to flower and the lavender too.

      Our first outdoor tomatoes are ripening and each of the three plants has now set their first trusses. We have three plants, of different varieties and it looks like without really planning that the plants will fruit in succession.

      I’ve just spent a very pleasant hour or so pottering in my potting shed taking cuttings from various perennials. I think – apart from enjoying the fruits of my labours – cuttings are my favourite garden task. They are quick to do, don’t need a lot of fuss, you’re getting something for nothing plus it’s fairly easy to see whether they are going to take or not.

      I’m also wowed by my radish seeds – I sowed them last Saturday and by Thursday afternoon they were two inches tall. And all my Little Gem lettuce sowed at the same time are through too, so should be ready by the time we’ve eaten all the lollo rosso.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Blossom end rot on our tomato blossoms! The romas, weirdly, seem immune, but Rutgers, Brandywine, and Black Krim are all in need of blossom-set spray ASAP. Peas, beets, peppers, basil, are all going gangbusters. No blossoms on the beans yet but from memory they take over the entire fence, you think they’re never going to bloom, and then BANG, you have 850 beans to pick.

      Any advice for keeping birds off the onions? They seem to think they’re worms, and putting net over them isn’t feasible because they’re in about 1/6 of a raised bed with other plants interplanted.

      1. Cedrus Libani*

        When I lived in the city, the pigeons discovered my roof garden – and within hours, my pea plants were gone. So I put up windsocks designed to scare birds (they had a big eye, with shiny metal bits trailing underneath). Problem solved, and the pea plants grew back.

    6. Llellayena*

      My eggplant has aphids! Help! How do I get rid of them? Everything else is growing like crazy. This is going to be a fantastic year for my herbs.

      1. MinotJ*

        I got rid of the aphids on my cauliflower with neem oil. But I’ve learned that it’s a pretty harsh measure for organic gardening as it kills both good and bad bugs.

        1. Green great dragon*

          You can get contact insecticides which I believe only kill the things you actually spray. They seem to keep aphids under control, though won’t stop any new infestations. I’ve got a small garden, so I just spray things I see starting to suffer. (I use Bug Clear, but I assume they’re all much the same.

      2. SpellingBee*

        Aphids can be blasted off with a spray of water from the hose. It can be tricky if the plants are delicate, though. You can also just rub them off if that doesn’t skeeve you out too much, or spritz them with soapy water from a spray bottle. There are insecticidal soaps you can buy, but for aphids dish soap and water works fine and is a lot cheaper!

      3. Llellayena*

        So…not only do I have aphids (no garden hose, potted plant, so that means of getting rid of them won’t work), but I have an infestation of spotted lanternfly, currently the youngest stage. Yay! Yes I’m reporting it…

        1. Venus*

          “Ed Lawrence of CBC recommends this recipe for infestations of Aphids, Whitefly, and Spider Mites: 40 parts water: 1 part liquid soap – usually dish soap. This is messy when spraying or using a soppy washcloth, so it’s recommended to apply the treatment in the bathtub (spray from underneath or wipe leaves), don’t be shy, your victim should be dripping wet. There will be insect eggs so as soon as you see new signs of crawly life — repeat!
          For ‘Scale’ use same recipe but add 8 parts rubbing alcohol (to help break down the waxy shell); leave on for 5–10 minutes. Another trick I learned was to cover the soil tightly with a bag or anything that will hold the soil in the pot, submerge upside down and gently swish – rinse with clean water after you feel every pesky bug has expired.”

      4. Nita*

        I have ordered ladybugs in the mail, with great results. They ate all the aphids in a few weeks, and then scattered to do their good work elsewhere. This was a few years ago, and I don’t know if you can still do it now. I’ve had a ton of delays getting seeds this year, so it’s possible that there are no ladybugs to be ordered either.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’m very surprised, actually. We had to go away on a bit of a rush trip to clean out our flat in London and I expected everything I left in the plastic greenhouse to be cooked when I got back because of course those were the hottest days of the year so far. However the opposite seems to have happened, and apart from some crispy leaves on a bean plant and one foot cabbage everything else seems to have taken off. Now I just have to find time to plant things out.

      2. Venus*

        That’s great news! I had some seedlings die off last year in unexpected heat, and I had quite a few to spare yet it was still sad.

    8. LQ*

      I have peppers! I’m so excited about the peppers. They are looking really adorable. They are the stumpiest little plants, I’m pretty sure the pepper will be bigger than the plant. Actually all the plants in the click grow are really stumpy compared to the areogarden. The aerogarden tomatoes are really tall and look like they are flourishing. I decided to pull the lettuce this week.

      I’m also finally deciding that I’m going to go for getting a third. And then I spent a bunch of time looking at other brands, but I think I’m going to stick with the aerogarden for this one. I like it better than the click grow.

      Anyone have experience with any other brands? I need fairly self contained and I don’t have the stuff to do a DIY version.

      1. Venus*

        I don’t have experience with other brands, but wanted to say that my peppers always look stumpy (grown outdoors) so that seems to be their natural state.

        1. LQ*

          This is good to hear. I’ve grown them outside in a past life too so I think I know it, but I guess it is still a surprise. That’s just how they are is good to know. Thank you for the reassurance!

    9. HannahS*

      My parsley isn’t happy. I have a tiny 18-inch balcony on which I have some potted plants, all of which are growing beautifully except the parsley. I’m south facing, and I wonder if it’s just too sunny? It’s also sharing a pot with basil, which maybe was a mistake. Any thoughts?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Probably too hot and too sunny, meaning even when the sun is not pounding on it, the plant is still too hot and wilting from the heat.
        If the parsley is small enough maybe you can put the parsley (basil and pot) under the shade of a much larger thriving plant. Or maybe you can bring it inside and put it near a sunny-ish window.

    10. fposte*

      Gonna eat some baby lettuce this weekend! I’ve realized the great thing about growing lettuce is that if you miss cutting the baby lettuce you can pretend you meant to do that and just harvest it later.

      Flower-wise, it’s clematis world and the beginning of the lilies; daylilies are on their heels. My tendency to have periods of crazes where I add a bunch of one kind of plant seems to have paid off, as having clematis twining everywhere is a special pleasure this year. Though I did have to skip a few hedge-trimming bits as there was a clematis twining through them that I didn’t want to cut; that’ll teach me to be so late with the trimming.

      1. Venus*

        I’m so pleased that my clematis are doing well this year. I got them last year and they were okay, but there are so many flowers on them this year! I’m definitely a clematis fan.

    11. Aly_b*

      I’m not at all a gardener but have just moved into a place with a fantastic patio and looking to plant some stuff. I’ve ordered a couple of plants that are started, and am planning on ordering some seeds with short maturity times; we get long growing seasons on the west coast and I can move stuff inside so I think I can get away with the late start. I think I need some pots, a trowel, drainage rocks, soil, and fertilizer? What am I missing? It’s all going to be container gardening and I know to look up whether things like shady or sunny and watering instructions for the specific plant.

      1. hermit crab*

        Hello, fellow patio gardener! That list sounds good to me (I don’t even have a trowel, I just use plastic cups and butter knives to move things around). If it’s an option for you, maybe check if your friends/neighbors have extra supplies. I just got a huge amount of free nursery/seedling pots from a neighbor who was getting rid of them. You can also be creative about your plant containers. I’ve got two tomato plants right now doing great in old plastic trash cans with holes poked in the bottoms.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Watering can or hose
        small trellises or cages for vine type growers or tomatoes.
        gloves are nice so you don’t show up with dirt under your nails at work on Monday.
        a strong pair of scissors or small pruners.
        Twine or string

        A good chunk of gardening is re-using what you have on hand. So don’t feel like you have to rush out and buy a ton of special stuff. I mean we can spend huge amounts of money on gardening and it kind of kills the joy. It’s okay to pick up things as you go along. The one thing they absolutely need is water, so have a plan for how to water them before starting.

    12. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I am trying to grow zucchini in a pot this year. I saw on the internet that the best way to grow zucchini was to stake it so thought it was worth a try. The plant is flowering and seems healthy! I’ll update later in the season how it all works out.

    13. Anonymath*

      Squirrels!

      The squirrels have discovered what I grow in my garden, although not native, is tasty. We’ve lost the whole longan crop to them and they’ve been attacking the cantaloupes. They have also discovered the passion fruit, and I regularly find a couple of passion fruit a day with bite marks out of them.

      I don’t mind the passion fruit as much, as I’ve already harvested over 500 of them and they keep coming. My friend made passion fruit ice cream and it was delicious. I’ve been harvesting enough okra to give to my neighbors and still have plenty to cook with and freeze. I really like this new variety, it stays tender even as it gets long.

      Cucumbers and peppers aren’t doing much, and the volunteer tomatoes are dying back, but the papaya seeds I got from my last papaya and planted to see what would happen are all about two-foot high plants now. I see papayas in my neighbors’ future.

      1. Venus*

        Do the papayas grow within a season? I love papaya, but always assumed that they were impossible in the north. I could winter them indoors if that helps. I suppose that I could google it, but I’m curious to hear more about your work on this, if you don’t mind sharing!

    14. Cruciatus*

      I need soil recommendations. I’m experimenting with a tiny garden because I got 4 free seedlings from a group giving them away in my county. Right now they are in old hanging baskets (though not hanging) and they are doing well! I just ordered a small raised bed (3ftX4ftX11ft) and have been staring at my yard at all hours looking for spots the sun stays the longest. But now I need dirt. I asked on Facebook if anyone has recommendations. I mentioned buying just some bags of Miracle Gro and all I got was “don’t buy Miracle Gro”. OK, that’s not helpful. Based on the soil calculators out there, I will need approximately 11-12 cubic feet, which is about 8 big bags and the cost will be between $64-100. Yikes. Is this my best bet? Is it cheaper at a gardening/landscaping place? But then how do I get it? I don’t have a truck bed or anything. Since this is all kind of an experiment I’m more leaning to just buying whatever’s cheapest at Lowe’s or Home Depot and just see what happens. Does anyone have strong opinions?

      1. hermit crab*

        My local garden/hardware store sells big bags of soil and they’re pretty inexpensive – there is a decent economy of scale when you buy large amounts. All my gardening is in containers so I usually buy the 2 cubic ft bags of potting soil, which are around $10; they’re a manageable size for our car trunk & for moving around once I get home. You can also buy soil that’s specifically mixed for raised beds but I’m not sure how much difference it makes in quality or price. I’m partial to Black Gold organic potting soil but not for any particular reason.

      2. fposte*

        There are sometimes places that can deliver loose garden soil but they usually have a pretty high minimum order (I think it’s four cubic yards for ours). Alternatively, you could just buy the cheapest dirt you can find, but be aware that it might not be as good a soil; consider buying some compost to mix in.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        It’s a one in a million long shot, but if you have a neighborhood forum where your community “talks” with each other, you can ask there how to cost effectively get soil for your raised bed.

        If you have a small family run (not big box chain) nursery near you, you can ask there what people are doing to get soil for their raised beds without taking out a second mortgage. These small nurseries can be hugely helpful over the years. I seriously recommend befriending one or more of them and have on-going interactions with them.

        If you do get stuck paying the $100, I hope I can encourage you that it is a one time expense and you will get the money back in produce over the next season or two. All is not lost here.

      4. Nita*

        Bagged soil can be very hit and miss. I like MiracleGro all right, and Vigoro is great, and much cheaper (here it’s $4/cubic foot). Home Depot should have either one. I’ve tried to order online because I don’t have time to shop for it, but soil is really expensive online. I ended up paying for Home Depot delivery. It’s a pain because you can’t order too much (they’ll charge for truck delivery instead of car) or too little (the minimum cost limit si pretty high). If I had time, I’d just have gone to the store and put the bags in my car. Eight bags can fit in the average car trunk pretty easily.

      5. Venus*

        My suggestion for sunlight is to go out every hour or two in one day, and map out (on a piece of paper?) where the sunlight is. Then you can look at your drawings and sort out where there is 6+ hours of sunlight, or the most possible.

        For dirt, I use fairly cheap stuff and then add manure. Top it off with mulch these days, to keep in the moisture. I don’t know if that’s optimal, but it’s good enough.

    15. hermit crab*

      This morning my wife asked me (only half joking) if I have started a pepper farm. I have been having SO much fun growing new plants from the hot peppers that I dried last season. I’ve been giving away seedlings like crazy on my neighborhood Buy Nothing group and our Nextdoor plant swap forum.

      Also, I have my very first baby tomato! Lots of flowers too, but no other fruits yet. Did I tell you all that we got an heirloom tomato variety called Mister Stripey? I laugh to myself every time I think of it.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I love vegetable/flower variety names! Great fun to browse the catalogs. My tomatoes this year: Cherokee Carbon, Parks Whopper, Sungold, Early Girl, Sugary Sweet, and Midnight Snack.

    16. Kate*

      I could use help!

      I have three tomato plants. One in particular— in a pot— was looking Fabulously healthy and strong and sprouted four or five tomatoes way before the other two plants— in a bed — were even thinking about it.

      We got two huge rains last week and Tomato in a Pot is looking AWFUL— collapsed, yellow and shriveled. My mum says it’s been overwatered, so I have been trying everything to get it to dry out — adding more dry soil, moving it to even sunnier spots, drilling holes in the bottom of the pot to encourage drainage… I even brought it inside my bedroom today to protect it from another huge rainstorm!

      The four or five tomatoes it had before seem to still be alive, although no new ones have sprouted. Is it a lost cause?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It sounds like it may have exhausted itself between producing early. heat, and rain.

        The thing that strikes me is all. the. water. Large amounts of water removes minerals and other nutrients from the soil. You say it’s yellowed, for example. Well that could be a nitrogen loss because all the water washed out the nitrogen. Nitrogen makes things green again.

        I suggest feeding it some fertilizer. It has probably lasted this long because of the fresh soil you gave it, but there was not enough nutrients in the new soil to carry it along. Give it some plant food and see how it goes. I wouldn’t chuck it until it is totally gone. It might rally with some TLC.

      2. Venus*

        Water-logged plants tend to have their roots die, and then they look dry because they can’t absorb any water. So continue what you are doing, be careful about the amount of water by giving it some yet allowing it to drain well, and expect that it might take some time to grow more roots. Hopefully in a week or two it will look much healthier.

    17. SpellingBee*

      I planted a Mister Stripey this year too! It’s one I’ve never grown and the picture looked so pretty, so I thought it would be fun to try. Also put in Cherokee Purple, Park’s Whopper Improved, Celebrity, Husky Red, Sun Sugar (yellow cherry tomato) and good old Sweet 1000 (red cherry tomato). They’re all going gangbusters except for Husky Red, which I stupidly planted between the 2 cherry tomatoes so it’s getting shaded out. I need to go out and check for tomato hornworms, going to do that early tomorrow morning before it gets too hot.

      The green beans and lemon cucumbers are flowering – as usual I planted too much, so friends and neighbors will be getting a share of the bounty. The beets didn’t come up nearly as well as I hoped; I got a bit of a late start on things (well, late for us – I’m in the southeast) so maybe it was too warm for them? Will try again in the fall.

      It’s been several years since I had a veggie garden, not since we moved here from the PNW, so I’m super excited about it and having so much fun! I love planting a teeny seed and actually getting something you can eat; it’s like magic. It’s also interesting to adjust for gardening in a completely different climate, and sometimes a challenge.

      1. hermit crab*

        Our Mister Stripey was the last of his kind at the garden center – kind of the runt of the litter – and my wife joked that he was actually Master Stripey because he was just a little guy. But he has grown a lot :)

        Our other tomato plant is a Big Beef (which also makes me LOL). I’m kind of disappointed that we haven’t had any hornworms yet because I love petting those squishy little dudes. They’re so cute, and the adult sphinx moth is cool too. (But not so cool that I don’t pick the caterpillars off my plants!)

        1. SpellingBee*

          The Sphinx moths are really cool – if only their caterpillar stage didn’t munch all my tomatoes up! They’re hard to spot on the plants, so even though I pick off as many as I can see, I’m sure I miss some in the foliage. I know I can’t eradicate them, so I just try to keep them in check.

    18. Blue Eagle*

      For the fourth year in a row since they were transplanted from a relative’s garden, my tall irises did not bloom. I’m thinking they need to be transplanted to be in full sun. When is the best time of the year to transplant them.

      1. fposte*

        Bearded iris definitely prefer full sun, and they’re really prone to iris borer as well. You might as well wait until fall to move them at this point; that and spring are the best times. I’d check the rhizomes for mush and holes and if you find any soak them in a bleach/water solution for a bit before replanting (and cut off the mush).

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Adding- rhizomes are funny/odd things. Iris rhizomes really like to be near the top of the soil- they should be mostly visible. And they should lay flat, not vertical.

          When I worked in a nursery we always said there were two reasons why something did not bloom. It was either not enough sun or planted too deep. Sometimes, both reasons.

          1. fposte*

            Oh, good point on the surface nearness; I forgot about that.

            I love the look of bearded iris but they are hugely prone to borer in my area, and I just don’t have the energy to dig them up and treat them every year. I still have a bunch of lovely white ones that were salvaged fro a house getting rid of its garden and that seem to withstand the attacks, though.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Oh that is so sad about the borer and the iris- I have a soft spot in my heart for iris. Beneficial insects or companion plants help? I tried some lady bugs here for mites and the ladies flew away. sigh.

    19. Nita*

      Anyone have tips for dealing with a poison ivy rash? I ended up with poison ivy in my lawn – don’t ask how, the story is too embarrassing. Anyway, three weeks ago I pulled all of it out, wearing gloves of course. Two weeks ago I did major weeding in another part of the garden, wearing the same gloves. I feel so dumb. I didn’t realize how long the oil stays on objects, and I must have been brushing weeds off my arms. It’s been two weeks and the rash is nasty and still seems to be spreading a little. I’d love to know how to feel better!

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re poison ivy rash: much sympathy! I was not sensitive to poison ivy as a kid, and got spoiled, so when I eventually did get a bad case of it I went through an awful time.

        If you get to it early enough, there are (expensive) scrubs that can help get more of the oil off; they claim to work even several hours after exposure. But it sounds like it’s too far along for that now.

        What I found most soothing may sound odd, but: I’d put the affected areas under hot water, as hot as I could stand it. This was… interesting, as the nerves responded with a mad increase in the itching. But if I kept it up to the point where the itching stopped, and then doused the areas in *cold* water, I’d wind up with several hours of relief, and all without having to add anti-itch cream. I don’t know if this will work for you, but it’s easy enough to try.

        1. Beth*

          The hot water method worked for me too, but I later read something (source long lost, I’m afraid) saying that it would prolong the rash.

          My best treatment was boring and simple: wrap the areas in clean soft cotton bandages, wash gently, try not to irritate or pop the blisters. (This was for poison oak, but perhaps it’s similar enough.)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Some of the home remedies I googled looks like they would sting. But I did see mention of baking soda with enough water to make a paste. That one sounded good to me.

        Since it’s been with you a while, I’d suggest changing your bedding. If you already have, you might want to consider changing it again. Robe, pjs etc, same deal.

    20. Cedrus Libani*

      Anyone have luck in growing basil from seed? Curious if it’s just me.

      I gave up and made cuttings from grocery store basil. They spent two weeks in a humidity chamber (just stuck the trimmed sprigs into the seed starting pots, then put them into a food storage container), then a week in a sunny windowsill, then they went outside last week. They’re doing OK so far.

      The tomatoes are starting to set fruit, so the basil had better hurry up. =)

    21. Sparkly Librarian*

      I have a total of 5 tomato plants now (and a sixth that was delayed in delivery, and I killed 3 other seedlings :( ), but no ripe tomatoes yet. We’ve been eating squash here and there for two weeks (25 harvested so far from the 6 plants), but aren’t overrun yet. The beans got to 6-8″ tall sprouts, but then stalled out and I don’t know why.

      Strawberries in pots have largely given up the ghost — any recommendations for keeping those going in a warm (10a) climate?

      1. Venus*

        My understanding is that beans don’t do well in hot weather, so that might be your problem? I’m happy to have flowers on my tomato plants in June, so we’re definitely in different climates!

    22. Aealias*

      I have a volunteer Nanking cherry tree fruiting this year! Any suggestions for what to do with the produce?

      Also, i’m cutting off a corner of my lawn that’s a pain to mow, and turning it into a flowerbed. I want low-maintenance, and I think I’d like a smallish flowering shrub. I’m zone 3, quite dry, and the bed is well-sheltered on the south and east sides, but quite exposed to the north and west. Suggestions?

      1. Venus*

        My knowledge of plants is quite limited, and any shaded areas get hostas. Sounds like you might do well with them?

        For extra food that you can’t use, you can ask your local food bank if they take donations. Our does, in fact they hand out seeds in the spring with the hope that people will donate the results back to them.

    23. Emily*

      Anyone here good at troubleshooting rosemary? Some of my plant’s leaves are turning brown at the tips and I’m not sure if it’s over/under-watering or something else! It’s a small indoor plant in an east-facing window, and I live in the northeastern USA.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I’ve always thought that rosemary was fussy and tricky. It might want more light? I am in zone 4 it won’t winter over here, we have to bring it in.

    24. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You know that old folk song “Inch by inch row by row someone made this garden grow” ?
      This week it’s all about the parody version “Slug by slug weed by weed my garden’s got me really teed” !

  28. Not Tech Savvy*

    Does anyone have recommendations for low-to-mid price range laptops? These are what I’m looking for:

    1. I’ll mostly use the laptop for MS office and internet, but I’m planning on starting side-gig and so will have to install CAT tools. I may also need to use zoom/skype quite frequently.
    2. The laptop must have a good audiovisual system, because I’m pretty particular when it comes to enjoying movies and music (I can’t use headphones often because of medical issue).

    I have done some research, because I’m not very savvy when it comes to tech, I’m still not sure about a lot of things. Like, would 4GB ram be enough, or should I go for 8GB? What about the processor, is i5 enough or will I need i7? What other things should I know/take into consideration?

    1. Colette*

      Always go for more RAM If you can afford it. As far as the processor, check the requirements for the software you want to use and see what the minimum requirements are. (Office, zoom, etc. should be fine – you only need to worry about more specialized software.)

        1. Not Tech Savvy*

          As opposed to HDD? I remember reading something about this, but I don’t really understand why one is better?

          1. Lady Alys*

            A solid state drive is basically a flash drive that’s in your computer rather than stuck in a USB port. There are no moving parts, so not only is it shockingly fast, but I think it’s supposed to last longer. My son swapped an SSD into my 3yo Dell laptop recently and it’s like I have a new computer.

            And I second getting more memory. Get all the memory.

            I don’t know if you’re in the US, but Alienware (a subsidiary of Dell) makes gaming computers – might be good for the audio/video, maybe not so good for the pocketbook…

          2. Colette*

            Here’s a comparison: https://www.avast.com/c-ssd-vs-hdd

            Basically, HDD drives move – so the speed of reading or writing to them is relatively slow. SDD drives don’t move.

            As far as RAM goes, that’s the memory your computer stores stuff in temporarily while it’s running – so the more you have, the more information it can handle without having to go out to more permanent storage.

          3. fhqwhgads*

            Solid State Drives have no moving parts so they’re less prone to failure and faster to boot. Hard Disk Drives have spinning parts so there’s more wear and tear.

          4. Recent Grad*

            SSD do not have moving parts like HDD so they are more robust and don’t have to get up to speed before they can operate properly.

          5. Dumpster Fire*

            SSD is great, but if you feel like you’re going to have lots of big files (videos etc) to store, I’d suggest an SSD and a larger “standard” hard drive. I’ve got my operating system and all applications installed on the SSD so it starts and runs fast, and all of my document files (Word, PPT, pics & videos, etc) on the regular HD. Regular HD is much cheaper, but some SSD is wonderful for starting up and running fast.

    2. Recent Grad*

      If you ever plan on connecting your laptop to a monitor or even a tv make sure you check what ports you have. Lots of laptops don’t have full size VGA ports anymore so you might need an adapter if you have an old monitor with a regular VGA cable.

      1. Observer*

        If you really want to go external, VGA is probably not your best bet, because it is relatively limited spec anyway. Do make sure that there is an HDMI port. There are other options for getting video out, but HDMI is probably the most common port for high definition video.

    3. The One True Church of Ecucatholicism*

      “CAT” tools? Do you mean “Computer-Assisted Translation”? Not to make an issue of it, but I’ve encountered people who said “CAT” when they meant “CAD”, and the system requirements are very different.

    4. Beatrice*

      I have bought a couple of decently-priced laptops from Lenovo’s outlet store. You can filter by features and sort by price to make sure you’re getting the most out of your budget. Agreed on getting the most RAM and processing power you can afford.

      Both laptops are ~3-4 years old now and I’ve had no issues.

    5. AcademiaNut*

      There are several things to look at

      RAM – more RAM will let you run more programs at the same time, or have more files open. If you have too little RAM, stuff slows down.

      processor – the faster the processor, the faster and more smoothly programs run (and you can run more programs at the same time without things slowing down).

      hard disk – the more disk space, the more files you can store. If you store a lot of videos, music files or images on disk (rather than streaming them), you will need more disk space. If you run out, you can use an external hard drive, but that’s fussier and slower than reading from the local disk. As others have said, SSD lets you read and write files much faster, and is more stable (and also handles being dropped better), but it’s more expensive for the same amount of space.

      screen – a high definition display will look better, but be more expensive.

      The thing to keep in mind is that as you push any of the above to higher levels it costs more, and at some point you’re in high end laptop territory, so faster/more isn’t always better. And for word processing, internet and Zoom/Skype, you don’t need much – for the latter two, internet speed is more important. Although if you want cool Zoom backgrounds, you need a more powerful machine. I’m not sure what CAT tools are, but commercial software generally give guidelines for what you need to run it. If it involves heavy image processing or video processing you’ll need to pay careful attention. Overshoot the specifications for the software a bit, so you can handle updates to the software.

      Overall, I’d say if you’re looking at a laptop brand, don’t go for the lowest specifications, or the highest, but something in the middle.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      Can you say what CAT tools you’d need to install? And roughly what your budget is?

    7. Observer*

      Definitely go for 8 gb of RAM.

      If you can get an SSD (it tends to add a bit to cost, but they are coming down) that will make for better speed, but be careful – a lot of machines with SSD have very small hard drive.

      If you want really good music, get external speakers.

      Depending on what you are watching, getting a machine with a discrete video card might be worth it. But for most standard video, it probably won’t make a difference, and those tend to add to the cost.

      i7 is nice, but I don’t think I would spend too much on it, from your description.

    8. Keener*

      For the sound side of things, I wouldn’t worry too much about the computer’s speaker/mic quality. All the laptops I’ve had provide terrible sound quality (but perhaps there are some out there that are actually better). Instead I’d invest in a good bluetooth speaker and pair it with your laptop for sound.

      The bluetooth speaker has the added bonus of also being able to pair with your phone when you want to play music/postcasts from your phone or take a call hands free.

  29. Anon for this*

    Any tips on moving to Asheville, NC? My friend is looking for a family-friendly neighborhood with good school, walkable, open price range.

    1. CorgisandCats*

      I live in Asheville and absolutely love it. It’s a bit heavy on tourists during the summer and leaf season but it’s worth it. If your friend is on reddit there is an Asheville subreddit that has a ton of moving advice. Off the top of my head, if walkability is a big factor I would probably recommend the Montford neighborhood (north of downtown). West Asheville is super walkable but it’s a love it or hate it kind of neighborhood. I will try to remember to check back, I’m happy to answer any questions!

      1. Anon for this*

        Thanks! How is crime? The sub is full of locals downvoting anyone who wants to move there, lol.

        1. CorgisAndCats*

          Haha well that is reddit for you, lots of cranky people over there. Don’t take it too seriously, there is always lots of moaning about “don’t move here” but honestly, it seems like most people I meet aren’t from here. It is also super friendly and your friend will definitely be in good company as a transplant.

          The crime levels are different in each area. Downtown tends to be higher from drug related crime. There are also a few pockets where gun violence is higher. The vast majority has low crime and this is particularly true if you look in the surrounding communities. There are a lot of smaller towns right outside Asheville that are great, Fletcher and Fairview being my favorites. Both of these areas are also very family friendly with good schools. I moved here 10 years ago and have never regretted it. The arts, outdoors, music, and food scene are amazing and there is never a shortage of things to do (well, except during a pandemic). It is also very progressive and accepting, although fair warning that it is a very blue dot surrounded by red so it’s an interesting mix. I hope your friend is able to find the right place for them!

  30. CoffeeforLife*

    I need to repot some split leaf philodendron but I’m quite scared. They both have large Ariel roots going every which way and the pots are the ones I bought them in last year… do I need to go deeper or just wider? They are currently in 1.72 gal buckets

  31. Lemon Meringue Pie*

    Is anyone else in the UK and feeling anxious about how they’re rushing to open things up too fast?

    We won’t be going near any pubs on ‘super Saturday’ – I’ve got a hospital appointment mid July and don’t wish to jeopardise this by ending up having to self isolate and postpone it, so am basically staying in for the two weeks before.

    I just feel so stressed. I was ok in lockdown, because at least I felt safe.

    1. NeverNicky*

      Me!

      I was horrified by the news and pictures of Bournemouth beach – people had travelled over 100 miles to go there. I live 30 minutes from a different coast but we are sticking with the back garden (and I appreciate we’re privileged to have that).

      Lockdown is being eased for all the wrong reasons. Firstly, Boris Johnson wants to be everyone’s mate, and then there’s the economic aspects. The science and scientists have been sidelined.

      Fortunately I have worked from home for the last five years so I’m not under pressure that way but socially there’s more “oh let’s meet for a picnic” stuff.

      I’m used to being out of step with the majority and I’m trying to not succumb to peer pressure over this but it’s hard not to question myself.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Yep. Yep.

        And I don’t know why people are acting like everything has gone back to normal. Lots of people are still at home – my husband’s industry is shut and I’m furloughed, we are both vulnerable but so much is winding down (eg I heard Joe Wicks is stopping, one example of many).

        On the plus side I’ve resolved a scary medication shortage as the hospital posted me some meds.

    2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Totally. I think everything is being rushed way too fast. I really miss the pub but I am not going anytime soon. I’ll continue to order cases of beer from the local place and hope that helps keep them going. We went for a walk in the local park last weekend and there were numerous big crowds of people. We had a van for the week so decided to go to the DIY place to get some items we normally couldn’t carry home and it was really busy with only a handful of people wearing masks and even the staff totally ignoring the social distancing guidelines. Madness.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        I feel utter despair that people think they’ve ditched the 2 metre rule when it’s still meant to be 2m if you can. I don’t feel safe going out now.

        I think they’re trying to have the second spike during summer. Cynic, moi?

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          I don’t like to think of myself as the type to believe in conspiracy theories but man it’s hard not to think that there is a deliberate attempt to make as many people sick as possible.

          1. Pennyworth*

            I’m a great believer in Hanlon’s razor – “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity” – but in the case of the UK I’d replace ‘stupidity’ with ‘incomptence combined with total indifference to the wellbeing of the vast majority of the population’.

            1. Anonosaurus*

              The UK government approach is to provide unclear guidance, fail to observe it themselves, then blame the public when they do unwise and dangerous things in the belief they are tolerably safe, thereupon absolving them of any responsibility for the horrific death toll. They are utterly incompetent but they don’t care because they have no real commitment to governing the country for the common good, rather than simply being in power as an end in itself. And yet even sensible people of my acquaintance say “oh but can you imagine if it was Corbyn” and “but Boris got it himself, he was in ICU” and I just despair.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                I’d be over the moon if it was Corbyn, and I am not much of a fan of his.

    3. LGC*

      I – what? Are they just…opening them?

      Like, I know the colonies are a total disasterpiece, but have they learned nothing from the US? Britain had about twice as many deaths per capita as the US from COVID (although not for long!), so I can’t imagine that they’re just…going back to normal, right?

      (This has basically been my reaction to all the news this week: “HAVE YOU GUYS LEARNED NOTHING FROM NEW YORK?”)

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Not sure what you mean by the colonies.

        No, they’re not just opening them – there are loads of rules and procedures, I just don’t know that people will follow them that well.

        But yes to an extent things are going more in the direction of normal than I would prefer.

          1. LGC*

            Yeah, by “colonies” I meant “the US.” I’m watching the spike in Florida with horror. (I saw their confirmed cases yesterday were OVER 9000 – which is the worst use of that meme in the history of mankind – and audibly gasped.)

            I think the good thing is that there are rules and procedures. In my area, we still haven’t opened indoor places like bars and gyms, but will do so at greatly reduced capacity in the next coming weeks. (Or we WERE planning on doing so, anyway. We’ve opened non-essential retail at reduced capacity, and restaurant seating is outdoors-only for now.) And the UK is in a better position to reopen than the US ever was, so that should be a point in your guys’ favor.

            But I also think we’re a cautionary tale of what happens when you handle this recklessly – when you delay a shutdown (like NY and NJ did in March) or when you just decide to switch back to normal because cases are holding steady (like much of the Sun Belt did in early May). Even relative success stories like California are now in the grips of spiraling case counts. I can’t say you’re not wrong to be worried, and while I think that it’d be best for us to remain in shutdown until we eradicate COVID that…just might not happen. I guess the best advice is to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

              1. ELM*

                I do feel that using the word ‘colony’ is particularly ill-judged. Probably because they are not UK-based and have no idea of how horrendous British colonial rule was for so many countries across the globe.

                1. Femme d'Afrique*

                  I had the same thought, lol. I guess it was meant in jest but it took me a little while to get what LGC was getting at. Context is everything!

      2. Mx*

        It’s no better in many European countries, like France with restaurants and cafes opened since 15 June, and plenty of people not respecting social distancing ! And Sweden has done nearly nothing.

    4. nep*

      I’m not in the UK, but seriously I just can’t get my head around people are acting as if they’ll DIE if they can’t get to a restaurant or pub or party. There is a deadly, highly contagious virus sweeping the world–what the hell do people not understand about that.
      Rant over.
      I feel for you. Sorry for your anxiety. As we all know, stress hits the immune system hard so it’s the last thing anyone needs.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Exactly. I still don’t get why people were trying to go on holiday in march or why they’re apparently all booking them in July – like, HELLO?!

        1. nep*

          Sad situation, but not surprising…All over the US states are having to ‘backtrack’ on their grand re-opening plans. Surprise, surprise, y’all. Science is truth.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Next Saturday is gonna be ugly – it better not be hot with the football on. Bournemouth and the Liverpool celebrations… end of July will tell.

      I’ve been out and about monthly for hospital appointments through all this and when I had to go in this week I noticed that the Tube was more active but nowhere near rammed. Everyone abiding by the face mask rule, but some had it pulled down by their chin to talk on a phone/companion or the ever-hilarious “nose overhang” situation where the mouth only is covered.

      It will be interesting to see what happens with the holiday travel and if there are corresponding spikes. We are desperate to see family and get out of the UK for a bit, but both countries are in worse shape than here and with some medication I am on, its rather preferable I don’t get COVID. So… we probably aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

      For the most part we stay home and will still stay home as things open up (except for grocery shopping/light ‘other’ shopping once a month if I feel like it though we honestly don’t need anything) – until I see which way the wind blows on this there is no reason to put myself in harms way as work aren’t forcing anyone back (building is under construction anyway so its a mess) and Ive got adjustable weights, a gorgeous garden, and the new spin bike arrives on Wednesday. I do miss the swimming pool, though….

      1. Batgirl*

        The Liverpool celebrations were a disaster, and deeply embarrassing to me as a Scouser.

  32. In Case Of Zombies*

    Curious as to other’s thoughts on fan opinion vs bad writing.

    I’ve just finished playing a new video game (The Last Of Us Part II, which is a sequel to a much loved game from 2013). I loved it to pieces but going through reviews online, many are disappointed and are saying the biggest critique is that it’s poorly written. No one is faulting the acting, graphics, or gameplay; it all comes back to the story being mishandled. Someone responded with ‘Just because you didn’t like where the story went doesn’t mean it was written badly’. I thought ‘Heck yes, you are exactly right’ because I personally think the game was wonderfully written, and loved the experience.

    But then afterwards, I puzzled over that comment more and tried to apply it to things I initially loved but then was disappointed by. Take the Star Wars sequel trilogy. Loved TFA, hated TLJ, and meh about TROS. For me, the trilogy had a great start and then tumbled down the hill. If I had to say why I thought that, it wouldn’t be the acting or the special effects; it was the badly written story that gave me no sympathy for Kylo and resurrected the Emperor right out of nowhere. But people liked the movies and thought they were great, so then are they really not badly written and I just don’t like them? Same with Buffy The Vampire Slayer; I loved the first few seasons but my joy started falling off around season five because I thought the overall plot got jumbled due to bad writing. I didn’t like the first season of Legend of Korra after Avatar The Last Airbender; again, thought it was all over the place due to bad writing.

    Is it possible to dislike something fictional and not fall back on the excuse that it’s poorly written?

    1. GoryDetails*

      “Is it possible to dislike something fictional and not fall back on the excuse that it’s poorly written?”

      Well, sure! Tastes vary, and it’s entirely possible to not like the way a favorite storyline turned out or a beloved franchise ended without necessarily finding it poorly written.

      That said, opinions vary about what “bad writing” is, too, so some might find the writing bad and others find it perfectly fine. A lot of (often quite entertaining) fan-wars have to do with whether certain plot points worked or not, certain ships should have sunk (or should have sailed), etc. – but those can apply whether the actual writing was bad or good.

      IMO, if characters are developed enough to really care about, that’s a point for good-or-at-least-decent writing right there, though it’s possible to get attached to a character on the basis of looks or outfit or actor/voice-actor… not that I’ve ever done that (ahem!).

    2. Llellayena*

      Definitely possible. My examples are written rather than viewed, but some of the books I’ve read with my book club have been exceptionally well written but I disliked the story enough to not read it again (or read the sequels). My prime example of that is “Leviathan Wakes” the first book in the Expanse series by James Corey. The writing is exceptional, the style of writing is fascinating, and the storyline made me squeamish. I won’t read it again myself, but I’d recommend it as an example of good writing.

    3. university minion*

      Sure – tastes vary and evolve over time. There are movies I LOVED as a kid that when I went back to re-watch, cringed at the thought of how many times I my parents must’ve sat through them with me hating life.

      There are other movies that I respect as works in the cinematic canon, but have ZERO desire to see for entertainment – like, I get why Kill Bill is an important movie from an academic perspective (film isn’t in any way my field, but I get it), but I didn’t enjoy watching it and am fine with never seeing it again.

      Then there are movies that have an interesting plot and excellent cast, that could be good, but are written so poorly that even the best actors can’t salvage it (Tyler Perry’s “A Fall From Grace” comes to mind).

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Oh, totally. I hate Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks and Rec, The Good Place (The Bad Place? I forget which it is). I have no idea if they’re poorly written or not, because the styles of the show are so very much not to my taste that I don’t really have any way to judge that.

      But maybe they are badly written, just in a way that other people really enjoy. “Bad writing” is also super super subjective. :)

      1. Caterpie*

        I hate all of those too! I really tried with Parks & Rec but to me it just seemed like a watered down version of the Office made for people that were sad.

        They all have huge fan bases though so maybe its just me missing something.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yep – my husband loves all three. I just can’t get into most comedy styles. He informs me that my sense of humor must have been shot off in some war. (He’s probably right. I do okay with some British humor – the dryer and more deadpan the better.)

    5. Analyst Editor*

      I think that’s absolutely possible. For me, the really important thing is, I found, whether a work embodies some kind of principle that I hold to, or some image of humanity that I agree with. There is practically no good book – certainly no good classic book – out there that follows the prescriptions of a modern creative writing class to the letter.
      For example, I despise repugnant anti-heroes in literature – I really can’t manage shows like “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” or books like Lolita.

      And on the flip side, I forgive the books I like on these grounds many deviations from What A Good Book Should Look Like. I also sublimate a lot of material in a book that is meandering, or awkward, or unpleasant, if the parts are good are good enough. Jane Austen is like that – I sometimes needed to skim to finish them (especially the non-P&P novels), but the good parts I reread a bajillion times. I love the book MASH – it’s hilarious and embodies the kind of attitude I think is right, so the norms and speech of the times don’t scandalize me.
      Or for movies: if you watch foreign movies, you might find more cliched plot lines or jokes, lower-budget productions, but there’s something authentic and familiar and non-hollywood about them which makes up for it.

      With Star Wars, I intensely disliked #8 (The Last Jedi) and didn’t see anything else, so you’re certainly not alone there…..

    6. fposte*

      So I negotiate this for a living, more or less, and I’d say yes. We all have tastes–there are genres of art or narrative voices we like enough to enjoy even if they’re imperfect, and kinds of art we’re a hard sell on even when they’re really good. There’s no perfect work of art, so for most of us it’s whether the joy the good brings us is enough to overbalance the weak spots. (See people who are annoyed that people only have a single shadow in Star Wars vs. people who create elaborate retcons to justify it.)

      Professionally, my colleagues and I have said a million times something like “It didn’t transport me, but it’s not my kind of book.” We’ve been doing this long enough that we could explain in a sentence why it’s not our kind of book, so it really is an identifiable characteristic.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I used to watch a lot of movies and yes, many movies are very well done but not well-written. It also depends on your tastes, I suppose. Some movies I can watch and agree that they surely put a lot of effort in this movie, but I don’t like it. I mean, take action movies for example. Often the action scenes are great but the story is thin. I don’t like horror movies much, but I especially dislike those horror movies where only the girl who is a virgin survives, and so on. Not every viewer needs a good story that makes sense and is logical, and if you do, not every movie is for you.

    8. Altair*

      I have sometimes called things “Faberge turds” when they were well constructed — elegant language, evocative acting, etc — but just not at all to my taste. One example is the movie ‘Shame’ (though I suppose I deserved that, since I went to watch it mostly for the naked Michael Fassbender) which told such a grim sad story I really didn’t like it even though it unfolded the story quite skillfully.

      (Also, wrt the Star Wars Sequel Trilogy in specific and this discussion in general — whether or not one ‘likes a work’ is a summary of a lot of factors. For instance I love the main foursome of characters in the Sequel Trilogy, and much of the worldbuilding, but oh, I did not like so many of the storytelling choices, especially in TLJ and TROS. So did I like it or not? That’s difficult to summarize.)

    9. The One True Church of Ecucatholicism*

      I think that today, so many things go into the production of a game, a movie, a television show, etc that it can bomb even though the script is of sterling quality. Bad CGI, poor casting decisions, bad direction or editing or cinematography, a rotten soundtrack … I’ll stop here.

      I’m not an expert, but I think that many ‘blockbuster’ movies etc go to hell because Big Budget = Lots of Investors. And I’m going to guess that when one invests a $million+ into a project, one feels free to express one’s opinion. I’d imagine that, as a movie director, it’s tough to maintain a strong, clear vision of a movie project while fending off investors who’d like it to be “more like _E. T._”

    10. tangerineRose*

      I didn’t like the book Great Expectations, but it was wonderfully written. I just didn’t like the people or most of the stuff that happened. I was impressed by the writing though.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it was badly written. But OTOH, just because someine else *did* like something doesn’t mean it was well-written!

      Lots of people love soap operas. Nobody thinks they are well-written. The last 2 seasons of Game of Thrones won awards and had immense ratings but they were *terribly* written.

      I absolutely loved Greatest Showman. It was not great writing. I hated Pulp Fiction and wish I had back the 2 hours of my life spent watching it. But I could clearly see that it was good writing.

      Enjoying entertainment involves a lot more than technical excellence in one or another area. If you don’t have strong opinions or experience to critique the writing per se, you can still like or not like it for any reason under the sun.

    12. Remote HealthWorker*

      I think “it’s poorly written” without anything to back it up is a bit dismissive. Like why talk about your opinion of something if you don’t want to articulate the why’s?

      For example, while I like HP growing up, I think the series is poorly written because it made a fantastic Gillian the hero couldn’t beat and rather then letting that story play out.. JK pulled a Deus ex machina.

    13. allathian*

      Yes, it’s definitely possible to dislike something fictional and not fall back on the excuse that it’s poorly written.

      As a translator I write for a living and as it’s non-fiction, I get exposed to a lot of truly terrible writing, a lot of meh writing and some quite good and occasionally exceptional writing.

      I don’t think a fictional story was poorly written just because it went in a different direction than what I would have preferred. I can deal with clunky plots, but I dislike stiff and boring characterization. For me the SW prequels were hugely disappointing, with ROTS a bit less so than the others, but I don’t have the same issues with the sequels, because the characters are much more vivid and likable. Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman had absolutely zero chemistry, IMO. They looked like they were just going through the motions. Anakin only got interesting once he began to turn to the dark side and I enjoyed noticing how his gestures mirrored those of Darth Vader in the originals.

      I also don’t think that the last two seasons of GOT were poorly written. I found the story just as engaging as it was earlier on.

    14. The Time Being*

      Is it possible to dislike something fictional and not fall back on the excuse that it’s poorly written?

      Of course it is! But it’s also possible for people to disagree on what makes bad writing without anyone being objectively wrong. There are a ton of different elements to what makes up good or bad writing, and people weight those elements differently.

      I can’t speak directly to TLOU2, since I haven’t played it or the original game. So to run with your Star Wars sequel trilogy example, some people felt TFA had better writing than TLJ because it was an engaging story that moved briskly along and had a coherent and functional plot, while TLJ had so many abrupt reversals of fortune that it simply felt like they were being jerked around rather than being told a story. Some people felt TLJ had better writing than TFA because it had a stronger underlying message and engaged in some great creative subversions, while TFA was just a rehash of ANH with some different characters and an even bigger and more ridiculous Death Star.

      Neither of these positions is inherently wrong, and they both point out legitimate good and bad points to both movies. What elements of good or bad writing are the most important and determine whether a work overall is more good or more bad depends on the observer’s priorities.

    15. knead me seymour*

      For me, it’s not so much about bad writing as lazy writing. Most often when I don’t like something, it’s just not really to my taste. But I do get annoyed when writers consistently make the most obvious choice, or completely neglect to follow through on choices they’ve made, or make characters act incomprehensibly because it’s convenient for the plot, etcetera. On the one hand, I realize those choices aren’t going to bother everyone, so it is still pretty subjective. But I still have a hard time buying in to the story when I can predict every single move the plot makes.

    16. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      To answer your question- definitely! I think so, at least. This is kind of related to something my partner and I talk about sometimes, which is the idea that sometimes you can love a piece of art SO much that it kind of becomes part of your personal truth. There are shows, games, and books that are so important to me that when other people claim that they’re badly written or boring or whatever, it feels like a personal attack. It feels like they insulted my friend or something, even though that’s obviously absurd! But in any case I absolutely loved The Last of Us II and I think/hope it will be remembered as a masterpiece.

  33. GoryDetails*

    Reading anything interesting lately? Some of my recent reads include:

    BEYOND BINARY edited by Brit Mandelo, a speculative-fiction anthology themed on genderqueer themes

    COME TUMBLING DOWN by Seanan McGuire, from her marvelous “Wayward Children” series; this one continues the story of sisters Jack and Jill, who were introduced in Every Heart a Doorway and also starred in Down Among the Sticks and Bones. [This book *could* be read as a stand-alone but will be more enjoyable – and make more sense – if you’ve read the previous books in the series first.] Among my favorite aspects of this one is that it reunites several characters from the first book.

    THE DANGER TREE by David MacFarlane is a memoir/history about MacFarlane’s Newfoundland ancestors, including three brothers in one family who all died in WWI; beautifully written!

    THE REST OF US JUST LIVE HERE by Patrick Ness is a YA novel about the kids who live in places like Buffy’s Hellmouth, but who aren’t the chosen ones or the Scooby gang; they have plenty of problems of their own, which occasionally intersect with the latest plague of vampires or ghosts or whatever, but they aren’t (usually) part of the Big Final Battle. Fun aspect: each chapter opens with “in which thus-and-such happens” text describing with the actual “chosen ones” are up to – it forms a kind of mini-story which is running in the background of the main tale.

    1. Anónima*

      I want to say thanks to Emma who recommended ‘Vegan For Her’ by Virginia Messina. I have been reading it this week, and it’s really helpful.

      That YA novel, The Rest Of Us Just Live Here sounds really good!

    2. Kiitemso*

      Disappearing Earth by Julia Phillips – Two young girls go missing in Kamchatka peninsula in Russia. This book just portrays the world of this peninsula and its people so deeply and interestingly. The mystery unfolds very slowly, and it’s not the sole focus of the book. I absolutely loved this one.

      Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk – Another one I really liked! An older woman lives in a Polish village, and one of her neighbors gets murdered, which sets off a chain of events and she begins meddling in the investigation by the police. The voice of this main character was just so compelling, all her little obsessions and incongruities out there. She loves astrology and the poet Blake, and agonises over the difficulty of translating his work into Polish, and the whole novel really hangs on this incredible portrayal of this complex individual.

      We by Yevgeni Zamyatin – A Russian dystopia written in the 1920’s where society is strictly regulated, every building built out of glass for maximum transparency and everybody’s time and relations mandated from the top down. It’s an incredibly interesting world and dystopia, but the writing style is very vague and aethereal almost, leaving a lot of things unstated, undescribed, or frankly confusing. I recommend it but I wish it had been written in a different style. The main character is a mathematician working on a big machine (an airplane of sorts?), who gets thrown off his normal life by a woman who catches him off-guard.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        If you like that (I haven’t read We yet though) you should check out Nabokov’s Invitation to a Beheading, which is a similar theme. Super surreal, and it’s my favorite work by him – I liked it more than Lolita, for example.

    3. Analyst Editor*

      I read “Carrie Pilby: A Hilarious and Charming Story” recently, after watching the Netflix movie.
      It’s different from the movie in many ways and really worth a read. I really identified with the main character and the book felt wholesome in a hard-to-articulate way. I liked it.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      Three new books for me – two non-fiction and one fiction:

      I just finished ex-Secret Service agent & polygraph expert Evy Poumpouras’ book Becoming Bulletproof, which has lots of smart tips in it for readers about discreetly getting the truth out of people, how to read their intentions, how to be quietly influential. It is also a memoir of sorts, and was a terrific read.

      I ordered that book as a ‘companion’ to Judith Matloff’s How to Drag a Body and Other Safety Tips You Hope Never to Need. With the disintegrating conditions here in the US, it felt like these books might have good ideas that would help me prep more than just for a natural disaster, like an earthquake, that we are prone to in this area.

      Both are great reads and highly recommended.

      And for fiction, I ordered Philip K Dick’s Time Out of Joint, which is a tremendous cross between Truman Show themes and Dark City themes. Spooky & fascinating. Unputdownable! I even carried it to work! Written in the late 1950s, and reads like a TV episode of the original Twilight Zone. A great romp!

      1. ThatGirl*

        Thanks for the PKD rec, I enjoy him and Dark City and the Twilight Zone, but hadn’t heard of that book.

    5. Jen Erik*

      Tuesday Mooney Wore Black by Kate Racculia , which seems to be also called Tuesday Mooney Talks to Ghosts. The plot is that an eccentric billionaire dies and has set up a treasure hunt of sorts to begin after he dies, but that’s just the device that moves the book along. I can’t articulate what is so good about it, but it is just a quality read.

      1. Granger Chase*

        This sounds similar to the plot of The Westing Game, which is one of my favorites from when I was a kid. I’ll have to check this out, thanks!

    8. 2QS*

      Oh man! One of these I also read and enjoyed recently (The Rest of Us Just Live Here), one’s in a box of used books I bought but haven’t read yet (The Danger Tree – published in Canada as Come From Away, but unrelated to the musical of the same name), one’s in a series I’ve been wanting to start for aaaaaaaages now (Come Tumbling Down), and one I hadn’t heard of but now want to read the heck out of (Beyond Binary).

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      Currently reading Black for a Day: White Fantasies of Race and Empathy by Alisha Gaines. Would recommend.

  34. Vasectomy vs Tying Tubes*

    Share you experience with either of these procedures!

    My husband and I are thinking about what we want to do for more permanent birth control. We are both in our 20s, so lots of years ahead of us where pregnancy is very possible. We already have 2 kiddos and will most likely have a 3rd before any procedure is done. I have no desire to be on a hormonal birth control or get an IUD.

    I kind of think since I gave birth, he should get the vasectomy, but he has heard several horror stories from friends and friends of friends. I do not want him to be in months of pain (as some of these stories go) but how frequently does this really occur? I have a lot of anxiety about doctors/surgery, so not really thrilled about doing a tubal ligation.

    Thanks for sharing!

    1. university minion*

      He needs to find new friends. These guys are full of ish. I’m sure there are procedures that have gone wrong, but those are exceptionally rare.
      I’m not a man, but worked in male-dominated areas where the guys talked pretty openly about when they got their vasectomies. I’ve never heard the first person say they regretted having it done or that they had any complications. The most common thing said was, “wish I’d done it sooner”.
      As you probably already know, it’s much less invasive than a tubal, and that factored heavily into the decision calculus of whether he gets a vasectomy or she gets a tubal.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      For him, it’d be an outpatient surgery with about 24 hours of recovery. For you, it’d be invasive abdominal surgery with potentially 1-2 weeks of recovery. Plus you’ve carried and borne two children with a possible third. Your medical risks throughout all of this have been way higher than his. It’s his turn.

      1. HBJ*

        So. Much. This.

        Sure, there’s the occasional V that goes wrong, but do the actual research, and the risks are much higher for a tubal. Personally, a tubal is completely off the table for me unless I’m already opened up for a c-section (and even then, probably not), and considering I’ve so far had low risk pregnancies and births, it’s pretty unlikely I’ll need that going forward.

    3. HannahS*

      Yeah, I’m with you. A vasectomy is a much more minor procedure. Tubal ligation is major abdominal surgery. It has more risks.

    4. Disco Janet*

      In my opinion, he should 100% get a vasectomy over you having your tubes tied. It’s less invasive, less painful, less risky, and has a MUCH shorter recovery time. I seriously side eye my friends whose husband’s refuse to get a vasectomy and want her to go through a tubal, particularly after she’s already endured all the hard work of pregnancy and labor.

      Months of pain after a vasectomy sounds quite unusual to me. My husband drove himself home after his, took it easy for a couple days, and never even felt the need to take Tylenol or Motrin or anything. And he does not have a high pain tolerance! Yes, the initial needle stick hurts and the procedure itself is uncomfortable. But it’s generally an uncomplicated process with a straightforward recovery, and honestly I think it would be selfish of him to push for you to have a tubal done when a vasectomy is significantly less risky. It’s understandable for him to have some fear about it, but it is hands-down the logical option. My husband stopped asking opinions of those who had been through it or googling because he didn’t want to let someone else’s bad experience talk him out of doing what he felt was the best thing for us.

    5. Generic Name*

      What kind of vasectomy horror stories? From what I understand, it’s a laparoscopic outpatient procedure with minimal pain. The patient does have to got in a few months after the procedure to do a sperm count to confirm that the procedure worked. Fertility isn’t gone the day after the procedure. Apparently there can still be sperm in the tubes (vas deferens).

      1. Parenthetically*

        I mean, I do have a friend whose vasectomy went pretty badly and he was in terrible pain for a week, but most of my friends who’ve had them, the recovery involved some advil/tylenol dosing and an ice pack on the nether regions for a day or two.

        A tubal is a much more invasive and serious procedure. Vasectomies aren’t even inpatient. It’s a no-brainer.

    6. Natalie*

      Pain can be a side effect of a tubal, too, so I don’t see how his potential for pain trumps yours. Especially since you’ve already taken all the pregnancy and childbirth complication risks.

      On every level vasectomy is a better choice – cheaper, easier, faster, shorter recovery time, lower rate of complications, lower failure rate. It’s even easier to chose to have another pregnancy if you want to, as you can do IUI instead of needing IVF.

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        On every level vasectomy is a better choice – cheaper, easier, faster, shorter recovery time, lower rate of complications, lower failure rate. It’s even easier to chose to have another pregnancy if you want to, as you can do IUI instead of needing IVF.

        Sorry, I’m going to have to dispute that last bit. I assume you mean IUI after vasectomy reversal? A reversal is actually a tricky procedure, and the longer it’s been since the vasectomy, the less likely it is to work. There’s a very good chance that you’ll end up doing IVF, since the sperm may be scant and of lower quality. If there’s any possibility that one of you will want to have a fourth child at some point (i.e., if you know for sure that if you ended up with a new partner in the next 10 years, you’d want to have children with them), I’d go for the tubal. IVF after tubal ligation, assuming the woman was fertile beforehand, is straightforward and has a high success rate. And those are the only circumstances that would make me suggest a tubal rather than a vasectomy.

    7. Venus*

      I have friends who have had tubals and vasectomies. The guys are all fine and have no regrets. My impression for the men is that if they think ahead of time that it will be a problem then they are more likely to regret it or feel that it’s painful. Self-fulfilling reaction.

      The tubal is harder on the body but recovery took a few days and there were no regrets for those who did it.

    8. McGruff*

      I can only speak to the procedure itself, not who “should” be the one to have their respective procedure done.

      In my experience, the vasectomy was a cake walk. A little sore at times, but more in an uncomfortable sort of way than out and out pain that put me on the sidelines for any sort of time. You’re barely in their for an hour and before you know it, you are in your car and driving home. I just wish the Dr. hadn’t cranked the AC while I was in there. Not cool, Doc. Not cool. No pun…

    9. Anon5*

      My boyfriend had a vasectomy and he had no problems other than being uncomfortable for the first few days. He does not have a high tolerance for pain, doctors or medical procedures, but we both wanted to be sure I wouldn’t get pregnant. He also said “I wish I did this sooner”. It’s really not a big deal so I suggest asking around for the best doctor to help ease his fears. And yes, there will be weeks/months afterward before all the sperm is gone from his system so you do need other birth control during that time.

    10. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I have experience with both of these!

      My wife (transwoman, AMAB) had a vasectomy a few years after we met. It was actually a slightly more major surgery that had to be done under general anesthesia because she needed to have one testicle removed at the same time. (It hadn’t descended properly and was causing a lot of pain.) Even with that added complication it was totally worth it. The recovery was less than a week and pretty easy. She was able to sit up, play video games, and basically take care of herself within a couple of hours. We made sure to have several ice packs in the freezer, and that was all the recovery prep needed.

      I have two brothers-in-law who have also had vasectomies, and they both went flawlessly with almost nothing to the recovery also. My wife’s urologist said the most common “complication” is people rushing into having unprotected sex before getting confirmation of a zero sperm count. It takes a few weeks to clear out existing sperm, and you have to take in a sample once a week or so until they’re sure everything is in order. Legitimate complications are exceedingly rare.

      I had a tubal done a couple of years ago, and was pretty nervous about it because it was literally my first surgery ever. I did a ton of research and elected to do a full salpingectomy and not get the clips. All the complications I’ve read about have to do with the clips migrating or causing other issues, and I’m not that comfortable with foreign bodies being implanted, but my surgeon had no problem opting just to cut and cauterize. They usually just snip a tiny portion of the fallopian tubes, but since that’s the first place that many reproductive cancers begin and they were going in there anyway, I opted to have the whole lengths removed.

      The surgery itself was super quick and easy, and although the recovery was a little bit bigger of a deal than that for a vasectomy, it was still fairly minor. I couldn’t bend over or pick things up for a few days, and sitting up was uncomfortable some of the time. The worst part is the gas they use to inflate your abdomen, because it takes a while to reabsorb. It moves around and can cause pain in your chest/shoulders, but holding a heat pack wherever it’s trying to settle helps a lot. I think I took the pain meds they prescribed once or twice, but was fine with ibuprofen after that. I actually know two other women who have had tubals also, and they had a similarly easy time.

      Overall, a vasectomy is the easier/safer of the two, mostly because he can avoid general anesthesia. I can see why you’d want to avoid an unnecessary surgery if he can have a simple office procedure instead, but honestly, I find a lot of comfort in the fact that I’m sterile all on my own.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Salpingectomy! That’s the word I needed! (for my own post, below) Funny, when I had it done, I don’t remember anyone using that word.

        A lot of what you said here resonates for me, having been in almost the same situation (except Mr. Pond is a cis man). I really agree – there’s a lot of comfort for me in the fact that I’m sterile on my own. And I was similarly nervous, because it was also my first time going under general anesthesia.

        The only thing you described that I don’t really recall being a thing for me – was the part about the CO2 gas used to inflate the abdomen. I recall that that was certainly a part of my procedure, and I even recall them warning me about what you described, but weirdly I don’t think it was something I noticed during my recovery. I do recall my throat being really sore for a couple days, though – from the intubation.

        I did feel like I needed a full two weeks of recovery, personally – but I’m also a big baby. And the worst of it was definitely in the first few days, I just didn’t feel good enough to go to work until after two weeks had passed. And I still felt like I had to be somewhat gentle with myself for a few months afterwards. It was probably six months later that I felt like my abdominal muscles had fully healed, and like I could flex my abs again, without feeling weird about it.

        The thing about the ovarian cancer was what pushed me to do the full salpingectomy, even though it meant we had to shell out a lot more money for it. As I recall, ovarian cancer is one of the ones that we don’t have a good screening process for, and it’s one of those where, once you catch it, it might be really advanced. Also – if the tubes are totally gone… I mean, the chances of pregnancy after that have got to be that much lower, right? Just seemed like a better way to go, all around.

    11. Jen Erik*

      My mum had the tubal ligation, and it went well, but I pitched early on for my husband to have a vasectomy when we got to that stage. For him, it was a very straightforward experience.
      The only complicated thing with it in my friendship group, was when a friend married a man who’d had a vasectomy after his first family was complete, and they wanted to have children together. In that case, they were able to reverse the op successfully – but I don’t think that’s always possible. (I can’t remember if we had the ‘If I died, are you sure you wouldn’t want to…’ conversation, but having seen it from the other side, we perhaps should have discussed all the possibilities.)

      1. HBJ*

        They are often, but not always, able to be reversed. Statistics vary, and typically the longer you go between V and reversal, the less likely it is that a reversal will be successful. I know people who had it go both ways (one couple was successful, the other was not).

        No one (generic, not specifically to you, Jen) should ever go into a V (or a tubal) with the expectation that they will be able to reverse it someday.

      2. PhyllisB*

        My husband and I did have the “if you died…” discussion. That’s another reason he did the surgery. He knew without a doubt that he did not want any more children (has one from his first marriage.)
        I, on the other hand, would have loved having more, but at our age (I was 36 when our youngest was born) I agreed with him it was probably best to stop at 3.

    12. aubrey*

      I have had a tubal and was there for an ex-boyfriend’s vasectomy. The vasectomy was super quick and easy, apparently the needle for the freezing was the worst part. He was a bit achy for a couple days, but an ice pack was all he needed. Honestly I don’t know what could go so wrong with it that people have pain for months unless the doctor was ridiculously incompetent or you have a freak reaction. It was over in like 5 minutes. Nothing at all compared to a tubal, or a pregnancy and childbirth. It was also much easier to convince a doctor to snip him than me. The nurses in the hospital before my surgery made tsk tsk you’re so young what if you regret it kind of comments too, though my surgeon was professional.

      My tubal went fine, but it’s a surgery. Gotta be in hospital for hours, anesthesia has risks including death in rare cases, the incisions hurt when touched for a while and my whole abdomen kind of ached for a while, you can get weird pains from the gas for a couple days. I was super nauseous and only could eat broth for a couple days. I had a reaction from the anesthetic where I fainted later in the day of the surgery. It sucked but was worth it to me to not have to worry about pregnancy again no matter who I dated in the future.

      In your case, the vasectomy is nothing compared to what you’ve already gone through for your family in giving birth. Seems like it should be his turn!

    13. Melody Pond*

      In your situation, the only situation where I’d consider doing a tubal ligation would be in addition to his vasectomy. The person who gets pregnant/gives birth/potentially breastfeeds bears all the physiological risk of reproduction. The partner who didn’t do all of that, can stand to get a vasectomy.

      Having said that – Mr. Pond got a vasectomy, and I also had my tubes removed (not just severed – full removal can substantially reduce one’s risk of ovarian cancer).

      We did this mainly because we have never operated on the expectation of total monogamy in our relationship. The exact model of our non-monogamy has shifted over the years, but we’ve never expected to be each other’s sole sexual partner for multiple decades. So from that perspective, of course I also wanted to have my own permanent birth control. Also, in our own sexual relationship, we’ve always believed in having two methods of birth control in use at all times. (This is why I say you should only get a tubal ligation in addition to his vasectomy – if you were wanting the extra security of having done both.)

      Unfortunately, Mr. Pond’s vasectomy didn’t go super smoothly. He went to Planned Parenthood because it was cheapest (he had an HSA), and the provider actually doing his procedure was a resident who was still learning. His recovery was longer than we thought it would be, and to this day he does occasionally have some pain where the scars are. Our takeaway? Surgery is not an area where you want to skimp – and we later applied that lesson to my tubal ligation, which went much more smoothly. If we could do it over again, we would look for a highly experienced doctor who performs large number of vasectomies every year. Maybe in a higher-end clinical setting, where the entire clinic specializes in reproductive procedures. (Web MD says that when a vasectomy is performed by a doctor who does fewer than 50 vasectomies in a year, the failure rate can be from 10% to 17% or more.)

      I think if you and your husband pick a provider who knows what they’re doing, someone in a reputable clinic that is focused reproductive health – there should be no reason to fear all the horror stories, and your husband should be fine. Also, remember – all those horror stories are anecdotes, not a representative sample of data from which you can actually make statistical extrapolations about what’s likely to happen to you. Anecdotes do not equal data.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        +1
        Do your research. Find a practitioner who’s highly rated and doing a lot of vasectomies. It should go just fine.
        Best Wishes

    14. Gatomon*

      I had a tubal about 5 years ago, with little pain (compared to cramps I couldn’t stand through without prescription painkillers), but I still needed several weeks off work and was tired and restricted for about a month. A vasectomy is much easier for men to have done because they don’t get questioned about their reproductive decisions as much and the surgery is less invasive.

      You also may want to look at cost. My tubal was over $10,000, though over 80% of that was covered due to Obamacare regulations. A vasectomy may be more affordable.

    15. Grim*

      Look up Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome to fully understand vasectomy risks. PVPS causes debilitating chronic pain that can last years or forever.
      1 to 2% of the 500,000 yearly vasectomy patients will have PVPS (10,000 men).
      Most vasectomies are fine, but men are seldom informed about this syndrome prior to surgery, since vasectomy is not covered by insurance and is a profit center for urologists.
      Hopefully men (and women) can be better informed prior to getting this surgery; it is not risk free.

      1. Jenny F. Scientist*

        My spouse (US) got a vasectomy and it was fully covered by our insurance. I’m not sure where you got the idea that it is not covered.

      2. Green Kangaroo*

        Cites, please? I work in benefits consulting and the vast majority of plans I review cover vasectomies.

    16. StellaBella*

      I am a woman and had my tubes tied in 2004. Sore for about 3 weeks. A vasectomy has pain for a day or two tops. His friends are not the norm.

    17. Sunset Maple*

      Tubal ligation can fail. If you’re going to be the one getting snipped, it should be a bilateral salpingectomy.

    18. PhyllisB*

      My husband and I made this deal when I was expecting #3: if I had to have a caseseran (I know that’s spelled wrong, spellcheck is failing me today) then I would have my tubes tied. If I had regular birth then he would get a vasectomy. He had a vasectomy and no problems whatsoever.

    19. higheredrefugee*

      I know not a single man who had any complications from their vasectomies, other than one who did not rest for the 24 hours. Unless you’ll be open for a C-section, not worth it.

      However, as a perimenopausal woman in my 40s, I can’t promise you’ll never want an IUD, even if it isn’t for another 15 years. I have one, at least a quarter of my friends have them, because it is the only thing we’ve found that works at all to deal with our craziness that is not surgical intervention.

      Good luck!

    20. Alexandra Lynch*

      I got a tubal after seven pregnancies in six years.
      I wanted MY system put out of working order.

      I honestly didn’t realize how much background stress and anxiety I had until afterwards. It was wonderful to know I was actually really safe.

    21. saf*

      I had a tubal, many years ago. It was quick and easy, minimal pain in the recovery.

      While he was willing to get a V, I wanted to be sure that I could not get pregnant, so that’s how we chose.

  35. LGC*

    It’s been a little while since I’ve tried to start an actual running discussion, so…have at it! I know gyms were beginning to open (not where I’m at – I think they’re finally supposed to open this week by appointment), but I still see quite a few new people out on the roads.

    Anyway, good news and…not so good news.

    The good: Coree Woltering went out and set a FKT on the Ice Age Trail in Wisconsin. I need to dig back a bit, but…there was an interview he did (with Mario Fraioli on The Morning Shakeout) that was probably my favorite interview ever. He’s just a really fascinating person in general, and it’s awesome to see a queer Black person be successful in a sport that’s predominantly White in the US.

    The not-so-good: New York got cancelled. I was slightly surprised – I thought that if things trended better, it might look good for November. But things haven’t gotten better, really. If things follow the same path as the 1918 pandemic (which increasingly looks likely), then this will have been an exceedingly wise decision. And even if things do recover in a hurry, I’d have had serious difficulty running New York or any large race in the next year or so without a vaccine.

    At any rate, I’m sad – not just for the people who were going to run it (like me), but especially for NYRR and the people who would have been employed by them. (They do have an army of volunteers for their events, but they also have actual employees.)

    1. anonymouse for this*

      Good news – I’m finally using my trail shoes which I’d bought at Christmas but not used too much as I was focused on using the running track. Where I live the trails are very sandy and gravelly and I basically slid down one trail my arms windmilling to try and stay upright when I forgot and wore regular running shoes.

      I’d originally considered it bad news that our running tracks are closed off but am really enjoying being out in nature and it’s a lot less busy than our sidewalks.

      1. LGC*

        I swear, if I hadn’t already been planning on dumping $$$ on shoes I’d get a pair of trail shoes.

        (I still might, although it’s trail season now and I really should have bought some beforehand.)

        Gravel kind of makes me nervous as well, precisely because of that. A lot of trails around me are straight-up rocks, which is kind of nerve-wracking when you’re coming down a steep incline.

        1. anonymouse for this*

          I got lucky with the pair of Asics I wanted being half price online – the traction is amazing. I had gait analysis done at a small running shop a while ago and it was one of the brands they recommended. That was fascinating – they ran slow motion video to show me how I ran in neutral shoes and then again when I put the Asics on.

    2. londonedit*

      I’m sorry about New York, but I agree, it’s the right decision. My local half-marathon (end of September) cancelled this weekend too. Personally I can’t believe they still haven’t cancelled the London Marathon – there’s no way it’s sensible to have 40,000 people running all over London at the beginning of October.

  36. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    Got any creative ideas for storing excess groceries?

    To cut a boring story short I’m combining two households worth of stuff. We had a little stockpile in both places in case of problems from both brexit and covid-19, and trying to squeeze it all into the house without being completely overwhelmed with cans of soup is proving to be a challenge. My house doesn’t have a garage or shed and it’s already quite small and well stocked. Some things might be passed on to the food bank but mostly I just need a way to put things away without forgetting that I have them.

    2. GoryDetails*

      For the “not forgetting” part, I’d suggest making an inventory somewhere – a spreadsheet on your computer, or a hardcopy list. I’m so susceptible to “out of sight, out of mind” that I need to itemize everything or else just expect to have to toss the things I’ve forgotten until they’re long past their expiration dates!

      If you have a spare closet, maybe you could turn that into a pantry of sorts. If not, maybe pile same-sized boxes into a tidy stack in a corner somewhere? (If you need any end-tables, you could use boxes-of-stuff for that purpose; toss a cloth over them if you want them to look more like furniture.) But, again, make an inventory; once I’ve started relying on stacks-of-things as impromptu end tables, it’s all too easy to forget that I may want to use the cat food or tomato sauce someday!

      [If your house has any attic space you *could* use that, but in my house the only access is a tiny port in a closet ceiling, not easy to get things in or out. If yours is easier to get to – or if you don’t mind getting a ladder and boosting the mega-packs of paper towels or whatever into the attic – that might work.]

      1. Parenthetically*

        HUGE +1 to keeping an inventory. We are doing this with the chest freezer TODAY (on the white board that’s inside the door of the closet where the chest freezer is stored, for easy erasing when we use something) because I’m tired of digging and wondering.

        1. Anon5775*

          I also use a white board. It really helps me to not lose track of that I have in the freezer.

    3. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      “mostly I just need a way to put things away without forgetting that I have them.”

      I think this is less about where you store the things and more about how you remember.

      Put something somewhere (calendar, to do app, whatever floats your boat) to remind you to go into them? Write a list?

      I’d say store them out of site but keep a list somewhere you’ll look!

    4. Alex*

      I honestly just put some things in a cardboard box and set it next to my cabinet. This isn’t a forever solution, but hopefully it will not be a forever problem.

    5. HannahS*

      Cardboard box on the floor of a closet? For keeping track of groceries, I tend to write what I have on a whiteboard or with dry-erase markers on the fridge itself. It helps keep things in plain sight, even when they’re not.

    6. CanCan*

      Boxes under the bed. On top of cupboards/book shelves. But to remember they’re there, you need to make a list of what’s in the boxes and where they are, and tape that somewhere, like the inside of a cupboard door that you open a lot (like where the cups reside.) One friend kept boxes of stuff under his kitchen table, but that’s hard if your table is small or you have to sit people all around it. At one time, I kept cans in boxes behind my bedroom door, but the way the room is and where the door is, there was space for boxes whereas I don’t think most bedrooms would have that space. Of course you could just skip the boxes and stack the cans behind the door!

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Many good ideas, thanks. The problem is compounded by the fact that many of the potential places like under the bed are already full of other stuff. I’m a bit of a packrat in general but having a fairly small house has meant that I’m already stuffing things into weird corners.

    8. Pamela Adams*

      I would probably just stack it high on the counter or table- that would keep it ‘in my face’ enough to be sure stuff got used.

    9. Pennyworth*

      I live by the calendar function on my phone. Why not choose one day a week for a repeat reminder to check the stored goods and to use at least one item a week as well? I stockpiled some basics at the start of lockdown and I’m making myself use them even though there’s often other food I’d rather eat. I sometimes have a ‘no food shopping’ week to force mysef to get through the dreary things at the back of the cupboard.

    10. Triumphant Fox*

      We just installed those wire basket shelves you sometimes see on the back of doors in our stairway going to the basement. Freed up a ton of space and you can see everything.

    11. voluptuousfire*

      I repurposed an old dresser in my spare room. It’s come in really handy for extra food storage since I stockpiled for the pandemic.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Do you have a secure yard? You could set up a temporary space there–a waterproof patio box, plastic shelves under a tent, even a rubber maid tub–and sort to there the newest cans&jars with the longest shelf life. Then commit to taking cans/jars out of there every time before you shop. Camper’s warning: never keep anything outside that isn’t in glass or metal, because rodents can & will chew into anything else. Keep the storage under shade to maintain food quality, and don’t leave glass jars outside once you’re into freezing time of year.

    13. Observer*

      I’m with the folks who say make sure to have a list where you will see it. And make sure it’s easy to update. Like absolutely no brain power needed to update.

    14. Margaret*

      I recently did some reorganizing so that overflow food/pantry stuff is now on small shelves in the bottom half of the hall coat closet (we had previously had some shoes there, now in bedroom closets). Some of this had been crammed into kitchen cabinets (but hard to tell what all was there) and some had been in the garage. Those made it hard to actually know what we had and easily grab it while cooking or using up something in the kitchen. We still have the upper half as a coat closet, it doesn’t impede on using the rod to hang coats on.

      I really like that most importantly it’s all in one place (if a container is open it’s in the kitchen, otherwise it’s in this pantry area), so easier to see at a glance if we have too much or too little or a particularly item. And since it’s a coat closet we open it fairly regularly either for pantry or other things, and again, easier to have a fresh imprint in our mind of what we have to use.

    1. Birdie*

      We did a renovation/addition. There was a lot we did, but some of the more important: we dug out the basement to give higher ceilings and incorporate a better flood control system. Added a master bath. Added a family room to back of house, connected to kitchen . . . Etc.

      We moved out during the renovation. That way, they could start early, stay later, work weekends if they were available, etc. It was a luxury, but moving is always a PITA.

      Make sure to hire an architect and someone who will check in on the project to make sure best practices and plans and codes are being followed (your architect might be qualified and willing to do this) — it is worth the extra money, since you can’t be there all the time and might not know what you’re looking for/at. Still, visit the site yourself often and at random times. Don’t pay everything up front — hold a significant sum back until you are sure all of the subcontractors have been paid and you are sure they’ve completed everything to your satisfaction. Try not to make changes after work has begun that can be time-consuming and costly. Keep on top of picking out the materials you are responsible for and when they can be delivered (tile, paint, trim). (We were able to install a whole house vacuum, which is pretty great.) Vet your contractor carefully; find previous clients to talk to and see their work, and not just clients the contractor refers you to.

      We are happy with the final product, but there were omissions and mistakes, luckily mostly just annoyance-type things. It’s an undertaking, for sure, but we love our location, had lived in the house quite a while first so we knew what we wanted to change, and we were able to get almost everything we wanted.

      1. university minion*

        +1 to hire an architect. It’s easy to do an addition. It’s hard to do an addition well.

        1. university minion*

          To name a few:
          Water intrusion where new and old meet.
          Poor traffic flow from old to new.
          Mismatch of styles/materials.
          Existing HVAC isn’t up to the new amount of heated and cooled space, and no additional or enlarged unit installed.
          Weird changes in elevation that may or may not be to code (once you start having steps, things can get complicated) or just look wonky.
          The infamous enclosed garage isn’t quite an addition but is also almost never done well.

          Zillow/realtor.com is full of listings with poorly thought out additions glommed onto existing structures. It’s a great resource for what not to do. As for ones done well – those are best seen in person. You know it when you see it.

          1. university minion*

            Note – these were not in my house, but things I’ve seen in others’ and when house-hunting.

        2. Birdie*

          Our contractor didn’t pay all of the subs, so liens were placed against our title until they got paid (luckily, we hadn’t paid in full yet). A tile job that was 90% finished wasn’t the tile we had selected (don’t know how this happened!) — had to be ripped out and replaced. We chose paint colors, but didn’t realize that the contractor wasn’t also using the *brand* of paint we had selected, and he bought “contractor-grade” paint that shows water drops and scuffs much more easily. Some prepared openings for windows in one room were very clearly the wrong size, luckily noticed by my partner before the windows went in — somehow the wrong size was ordered. The dishwasher was hooked up, but in such a way that a line in the back was crimped and eventually led to a leak to the ceiling of the floor below. There’s probably more, but you get the idea.

          My parents built a house when I was a kid, and my mom worked nearby and would stop by at lunch. She realized the extra insulation they had selected was not what was being installed. If she hadn’t noticed that day (and luckily the labels on the insulation say the R value), the walls would have been up and they would not have known they didn’t get what they paid for.

          Contractors can be terrible businessmen; they want to do a good job, I’m sure, but they face time crunches and they have to be looking to the project after yours, and the one after that, and it can be difficult to get all of the trades in place when/where you need them. I imagine it’s a lot of juggling, and if you aren’t good with that, plus the paperwork and estimating and being responsive to calls, and selling new clients on you doing their project, things fall through the cracks.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Hmm, not us but my father had renovations done to the house. Most recently, he converted the first floor bathroom into a full bathroom with a shower because my mom couldn’t climb the stairs to the second floor bathroom. Before that, in 1996 I think, the major renovation was having the kitchen wall torn down to turn into a big open space and the backyard deck was extended. 

      The major renos were done when I was a child/teen so I had no interest or say in it, but now that we’re trying to sell it, we had one realtor tell us these might have been illegal. so…..that’s great to know  

      1. legalchef*

        They are not necessarily illegal but you might need to get a c of o in order to sell it.

  38. Cherylblossom*

    Question for the artists! :)

    I’ve started getting back into my art as a hobby. Hoping to expand it more! Realistically this will likely always be a hobby or side project for me, but how do I grow more? How does an amateur go from making art to showing work in exhibitions etc? I’m really not sure where to even look. I’m in Canada, in case there’s anything specific here. I do digital art and literary. It feels so good to be creative again!

    1. Chaordic One*

      This probably isn’t a great answer, but I think you just need to keep your eyes and ears open. There will be notices and short stories about them in local newspapers (what’s a newspaper?) and on bulletin boards in arts and crafts stores. My local library has a similar bulletin board. Sometimes there are notices posted on community websites and community social media sites, like FaceBook. Before COVID there were a few coffee shops and restaurants in my area that featured artwork from local artists (often for sale) as part of the decor and the art change every so often, like after a couple of months or so and they seemed to be always looking for new art. I’m sure they will lbe doing that again soon. If you belong to, or are aware of, any local artists guilds, they will publicize art shows. Good luck!

    2. Hazy Days*

      I think that getting onto Instagram may be valuable for artists – it gives people a clear way to see range of your work and keeps you in peoples minds.

  39. Nervous Nellie*

    Happy weekend, all! Question for you – a have a couple of dozen apples (mostly Gala) and need ideas to do something delicious with them. I don’t have any freezer space, so it can’t be something that needs frozen storage. I live alone, so it might be something I can make a few times to use them up. I can’t share food at my office during the week so it can’t be a recipe that produces a large amount. I know, lots of limitations, right? But I bet you all have ideas that just aren’t coming to me. Help! :)

    1. Alex*

      Applesauce? You can can it!

      Or, now I haven’t tried this, but dried apples? You can dry things in your oven. Similarly, homemade “fruit leather” is basically applesauce dried in the oven.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Applesauce, yes. Can be done literally by voting and slicing the apples, peeling not necessary, and chucking them in a crockpot for about ten hours.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          (Uh. “Voting” should have been “coring” – you do not need to vote any of your apples off the island. But if any of them are a little bruised, they should go into the applesauce as opposed to being eaten or baked or such as they are.)

      2. AcademiaNut*

        If you’re canning apple sauce you need a pressure canner, however – water bath has a risk of botulism for low acid foods.

        Other than that – chutney (reduces down well and keeps for a long time in the fridge). Waldorf salad for dinner. Apple butter also keeps well in the fridge. Make an apple pie, eat it for dessert with vanilla ice cream, or with cheddar cheese for breakfast. If you don’t want to fuss with pastry, make an apple crisp.

        1. Natalie*

          Applesauce isn’t considered a low-acid food and is perfectly safe to can in a hot water bath, as are most fruits other than figs and some tomato varieties.

      3. Observer*

        The truth is that apple sauce holds REALLY well, so if you keep it in the fridge, you can keep it for a long time.

        And if you have a crockpot, it’s really, really easy to do. It’s pretty easy if you don’t have a crock pot, but you do have to watch it because it’s more likely to burn.

    2. Anon5775*

      I make individual apple crisps. You mix 1 Tbsp softened butter with 3 Tbsp oatmeal, 1 Tbsp brown sugar and 1 Tbsp flour. Mix a little nutmeg and cinnamon into this. Set aside. Peel and dice one apple and place into a small microwaveable bowl. Sprinkle oat mixture on top and microwave for about 4 min on high. Insert a small sharp knife or cake tester to test the apples. If they feel soft, it’s done. If they seem crunchy yet, microwave another min or two. Can eat warm or let cool then put in fridge.

      1. Anon5775*

        I also have a recipe for a 9×9 size apple crisp that always gets rave reviews. I’ll share if you want to eat it for a week or so. It’s so good that I can eat one in a week but I try to do that only once or twice a year. I store it in the fridge.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Apple Crisp freezes well…but reheat it in an oven not a microwave to keep it from becoming an “Apple Soggy”.

    3. Max Kitty*

      Apple/cheddar/walnut salad
      Cinnamon apples
      Radish/apple/carrot slaw (made this recently; it kept well for several days in the fridge)
      Apple muffins or apple bread
      Apple pfannkuchen
      Apple butter

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      Make an apple crumble (lik a crisp but the apples don’t cook as much), load the topping up with nuts and oats and eat it for breakfast.

    5. Anono-me*

      I core and cut up and apple, put it in a small microwave safe dish top it with a little honey and cinnamon, maybe add ginger or raisins etc. Then microwave for about 2 minutes for a quick baked apple.

    6. CTT*

      I’ve gotten really into making apple and cheddar sandwiches for lunch; it won’t use a whole apple unfortunately, but there’s enough left over for a little snack.

    7. Mazzy*

      Skin them, boil in a tiny amount of water (not much water is needed, just enough so they don’t burn and stick to the pot), then you’ll have a hot apple sauce. Make crepes, serve on crepes, with a little butter. Yum

    8. Llellayena*

      Apple butter! Like applesauce, a lot of apples will cook down and if you can it properly it can be presents!

    9. Nervous Nellie*

      OH YUM, YOU GUYS! Ten replies in no time! I have enough apples that I think I can make ALL of your suggestions. Thank you all so much, AAM Recipe Brain Trust!

    11. Not My Money*

      You can make apple cinnamon scones and freeze them before baking (I make mine in cupcake liners so they’re easier to deal with) and then you can bake a few at a time.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Thanks, NMM! Don’t worry – if I made scones they would be eaten in one sitting anyway. :)

    12. Pennyworth*

      Caramelisd apples! Peel and slice apples, cook in butter and sugar. Great with pancakes, yoghurt, or just on their own, and they keep well in the fridge.

    13. RagingADHD*

      Apfelkraut!

      It’s a more concentrated form of apple butter that turns lovely dark brown and really thick. It is tangy-sweet and intensely flavored, with no added sugar or any extra spices needed – just essence of apple. You only need a thin spread of it to light up your buttered toast.

      Look up Rheinish apfelkraut for recipes.

  40. Teapot Translator*

    Seeking audiobook recommendations, preferred genre: non-fiction. I like reading fiction, but I prefer listening to non-fiction.
    Last night, while Wiki hopping, I discovered Judith Feld Carr, a woman who helped thousands of Jews get out of Syria. Unfortunately, there are no audiobooks about her work at my local library. But it gave me the urge to find books to listen to.

    1. Anon5775*

      Maybe Mary Roach, Bill Bryson, Malcolm Gladwell, Sarah Vowell, various TV comics that have written books like Ellen Degeneres, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, etc. I’m sure there’s lots of history books out there but that is not a genre I’m very familiar with.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        Hugely seconding Bill Bryson. Beautiful writing on happy topics. His books are my favorite escape from today’s situation in the US.

        He is also a warm-hearted and decent guy. I met him at a book signing years ago and was thrilled by his down to earth and easygoing cheerfulness.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I can’t decide between ‘Cod’ and ‘Salt’, both by him.
        We had Cod on CD on a 12 hour drive, we’d put it on when the 4th grader was reading a book or fell asleep, and halfway home, she asked us to put it on while she was awake because even she was interested!

    4. Something Blue*

      Alison Weir has a lot of books about British history.

      Nancy Goldstone has several books about women and royalty.

      If you can download podcasts, there are a lot of history podcasts that are pretty good. If you google for history podcasts, you’ll find suggested lists!

    5. I don’t get it..*

      I just finished listening to Skeletons on the Zahara by Dean King. Interesting account of New England shipwrecked sailors held as slaves in the Sahara desert in 1815.

    6. Just a Guy in A Cube*

      Isabel Wilkerson’s Warmth of Other Suns, about the great migration, is a great book and very well narrated

  41. lazy intellectual*

    Does anyone have recommendations for non-dairy milks that are low-to non-fat? I can no longer drink dairy milk. When I did, my go-to was skim milk – if I drink fatty milk, I immediately gain weight. However, most non-dairy milks I’ve tried – soy, oat, coconut, have a shit ton of fat and I pack on pounds as soon as I start using them in my coffee. Maybe this is a sign I should just ditch milk altogether, but I wanted to see if there were options.

    1. Courageous cat*

      I’m a little perplexed by this. Fat doesn’t make you gain weight, calories do. How much are you using in your coffee exactly that it’s making you pack on pounds?

      1. pieforbreakfast*

        Um, there’s 9 calories per gram of fat. And 4 calories per gram of carbohydrates. Dairy has both.

        1. Alex*

          Yes, but the total calorie counts in say, a glass of soy milk, is usually less or at most equal to a glass of skim milk.

          Same with coconut milk. I have a carton of coconut milk right here and it is 60 calories per cup, whereas a glass of skim is about 80.

      2. lazy intellectual*

        This is a good point but I swear that there is some correlation between my weight gain and the type of milk I drink. Once I eliminate it, my weight goes back to normal. I could be wrong about the correlation but it’s been working so far in terms of weight maintenance when I used to drink skim milk. I have no idea why.

        1. Observer*

          What may doing you in is not the fat but sugar content. Many of these milks have “unsweetened” varieties and the calorie count on these things is significantly lower. For instance, my current go to is Diamond Almost Breeze, and the unsweetened is literally half the sweetened version (30 cal per cup vs 6o). And sugar can do some interesting things to your carb metabolism.

    2. Reba*

      Oatly has a low fat option. You can order it online (shelf stable). It is kind of a distressing gray color, but tastes fine. The full fat one does well in hot beverages, so I’d hope the low fat does too.

    3. Anonnington*

      I’ve always used rice milk. I don’t drink it plain (I think it’s pretty bland). I use for cereal, baking, chocolate milk, etc.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        Me too. I have a chronic illness that dairy exacerbates, but I’ve rarely met a nut I wasn’t allergic to, and can’t make myself like oat milk, hemp milk, or coconut anything. So rice milk it is! Different brands taste super different, in my experience, so it might be worth trying out a few. Also, I’d say read the packaging carefully to take into account which ones are sweetened and/or vanilla flavored; I find both of those options a bit much.

    4. Chocolate Teapot*

      I was reading an article in a (UK) health and fitness magazine which looked at the calorie content of alternative milks and was amazed to discover rice milk has 249 calories per 100ml! In comparison, my semi-skimmed milk is 47 calories per 100ml.

      The lower calorie milks were hemp (26 calories per 100ml), coconut (25 calories), cashew (32 calories), going up to Almond and Tiger Nut (both 56 calories) and Hazelnut (72 calories).

      1. NeonFireworks*

        I think this explains why I like my favourite brand of rice milk so much, haha!

    5. Chaordic One*

      Almond milk is good, but seems to have a lot of calories. Rice milk or perhaps hemp milk? I’ve tried goats milk and couldn’t stand the taste of it, although I love goat cheese. Goat milk is probably also high in calories.

      Do you have lactose intolerance or allergies to lactose found in milk? Have you tried the lactose-free milks that are now on the market. The most popular lactose-free milk brand is “Lactaid,” but now there are store brands of lactose-free milk and they come in fat free, 1%, and 2% varieties and they are a wonderful alternative for those of us with lactose issues.

      Some people have allergies to the casein found milk. They have fewer options. There is no truly casein-free milk. According to an article on Healthline there are different kinds of casein found in milk. Regular milk contains A1 and A2 beta-caseins, but there have been some studies that show that milk from particular breeds of cows that has A2 beta-casein and that doesn’t have A1 beta-casein is better-tolerated by many people. (This is just a very generalized and condensed version of the casein allergy situation.) The “A2” brand of milk has no A1 beta-casein and is supposed to be tolerated by many people who have casein allergies, so it might be worth considering if it is available in your area. I’m not aware of any other brands of dairy that only have A2 beta-casein, but they might be out there.

        1. Sunset Maple*

          Silk unsweetened plain has 30 calories per cup. I like very milky coffee, so I specifically sought out the lowest calorie version I could tolerate.

          1. ...*

            Oh yes! I love that one. The store brand I get has 40 but that still works. I think maybe the really flavored enhanced milks get more calorie dense

    6. Sylvan*

      I’m a little confused. How much of it are you using?

      I like almond, cashew, and oat milk in coffee. Cashew is rich and smooth. Oat might have the lowest fat content of the three.

      1. Washi*

        I am also kind of curious about the quantities…I add 1 or maaaaybe 2 tablespoons of milk to my coffee or tea. It would have to be 100% fat to make that big a difference!

      2. lazy intellectual*

        I guzzle milk via several cups of coffee per day (which I have to have with milk) and cereal/oatmeal for breakfast everyday. Life would be so much easier if I didn’t love milk but I need it.

    7. Roja*

      I don’t know about fat content because I don’t track that for myself, but almond milk has the lowest calories of any alternative milk I’ve tried, easily half of the other common ones. You just have to make sure to get the unsweetened kind though, or the calories (and presumably fat) double, and the sugar content skyrockets as well. Most of the unsweetened almond milk I’ve bought, and I get the vanilla kind, runs 30-40 calories a cup.

      You know your own body best, but I can’t imagine you’re using all that much in your coffee, maybe a tablespoon or two? The fat content of that, even in the most fatty of milks, seems to be… negligible. A gram or two at most.

      1. Observer*

        The fat content is pretty stable. The calorie count is due to the ridiculous amount of sugar that goes into the regular version.

    8. Eeeek*

      I would just count the calories in the milk. Personally I like oat milk, idk what you consider a “shit ton of fat” but I’ve never found a brand with more like than 1 gram per serving. It’s mostly oats and water so there would be no fat. Although I freely admit Im not on a low fat diet

    10. Koala dreams*

      That’s interesting, I’ve never looked at the fat content in vegetarian “milk” before. My favourite oat drink is 1.5 percent fat (from rape seed oil), which is lower than the 2-3 % that’s in the milk I drink, but thrice the amount of skimmed milk (that’s 0.5 %, right?). Could you use less milk in the coffee?

      1. allathian*

        Calories are calories, it doesn’t matter if it’s vegetable or animal fat, but at least the rapeseed oil is good for your cholesterol levels.

        1. Koala dreams*

          Oh, I don’t care about the calories. I quite like rape seed oil actually, especially in cooking, but I never noticed they were in the oat drink before now.

    11. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      My girlfriend and I were discussing this a couple of days ago. Most non-dairy milks — soy, almond, oat, cashew, etc. — are made to have the same amount of fat as 2% dairy milk. Nonfat versions do exist (without making your own); she said it tasted thin, but if you’re used to skim milk it might be fine.

      I don’t have a brand to recommend, but thought it was worth noting that they do exist.

  42. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

    Hi! I’m an English professor and looking for good podcasts or YouTube channels. Real convos between 2 or 3 people, unscripted, interesting conversations. Not looking for anything that teaches English.

    Anyone have any ideas? Preferably ones that where…

    -not a huge amount of cussing (a few here and there is fine but no f bombs every 10 seconds)
    -no sex talk or sex humor
    -no controversial topics or ones that can be perceived as offensive (prefer neutral topics or just interesting convos)
    -personal quirk of mine, ones where people don’t use the word “like” often (this has been hard to find in podcasts LOL)

    Here are a few I have in mind so far:

    Stuff you should know
    Explain things to me
    Ted Talk (not a conversation but good interesting topics)

    1. Anon5775*

      Awesome Etiquette is from the Emily Post Institute and is about etiquette. Milk Street Radio is about cooking. How I Built this is about running a business. Sporkful is about food.

    2. Reba*

      The Allusionist and other podcasts from Radiotopia — a lot of these are more produced/scripted, but as a literature person I feel you must try the Allusionist!

      I like Going Through It, it’s a series of conversations with people about pivotal moments in their lives or careers — this one might have more of a personal feel than the informative you seem to looking for?

      Hidden Brain
      On Being
      and of course, Fresh Air

      I was going to suggest Death, Sex, and Money, that’s the first thing that popped up when I read “interesting conversations” … but I guess that’s out :)

      1. Pippa K*

        Seconding The Allusionist! I don’t normally like podcasts, but this one is always interesting, and I find her voice very pleasant.

      2. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

        Thank you so much!! Amazing ideas!

    3. All Ears*

      We like “Every Little Thing” from Gimlet! They research and answer questions (about all sorts of interesting things) from listeners. Flora is a charming host.

      The titles of each episode make it clear what the question will be, so it’s easy to skip one if it’s not your cup of tea or too controversial.

      Here are some of the questions they’ve answered: Who invented pants? How did ‘pink for girls’ and ‘blue for boys’ happen? What do dogs say when they bark?

      1. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

        Thank youuu! Checking it out today :)

    4. cat paws*

      some of the pod casts from the-fiveminute-medievalist (Daniele Cybulskie) are conversations, but I guess interview style. Still very interesting.

    5. D3*

      Weirdest thing I learned this week
      Decoder Ring
      Reply All (sometimes…depends on the topic)

      And they’re not so much conversations, but I do really like The Moth and Story Collider – it’s just people telling interesting stories about their lives (The Moth is very broad, Story Collider is more science focused.)

      1. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

        Thank you! I’ll be checking all of these out today :) sound like amazing recs!

    6. Not My Money*

      I just read “The Disappearing Spoon” by Sam Kean about the history of the periodic table and really enjoyed the extra bits of history in the footnotes so was pleased to see that he has a podcast about science and history by the same name. I haven’t listened to it yet but if it’s as good as the book then it’ll be perfect for me.

    7. AGD*

      Damn Interesting has a slight curse in their title but there’s very little profanity in the content. They have two podcasts, one (scripted) with their own articles, and one (unscripted) where one of the writers and some rotating guests (?) just talk about interesting/quirky/offbeat stuff that came up in the links that the site finds and shares from other parts of the internet.

      1. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

        Excellent! Thank you so much!

    8. Not a cat*

      BBC The Food Chain
      BBC 4 Start the Week
      NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour
      Overdue
      92Y Talks
      99% Invisible
      Appointment Television
      Science VS

      1. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

        Thank youuu!! I’ll be checking all of these out :)

    11. Senor Montoya*

      Stay with me on this…it’s not what you asked for but it’s what you want!

      Home Cooking, with Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway. Four episodes. (They just announced they’ll be doing four more). Conversation, answering questions, mini interviews. They’re delightful. You will learn some things. You will feel warm and happy. You don’t have to be a cook or like cooking or be a foodie. Each episode is about an hour.

    12. Jessi*

      She’s on the money?

      Its two Australian ladies talking about financial advice. very interesting and it feels very conversational

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      What about the podcast from this blog? Alison’s not doing new episodes, but she kept the whole set available. AND added transcripts.

      1. English Professor - searching for good podcasts and YouTube channels*

        That’s actually a great idea! A lot of my students want interview tips and job tips for English.

    14. Quarantina*

      You’re Wrong About… is very good. Mike, a HuffPost journalist, researches a topic and then talks all about it to Sarah, and they chat. Episodes on Y2K, Ebonics, and Marie Antoinette are very good. They also did a deep dive on Jessica Simpson’s memoir that was excellent.

    15. Miss Dove*

      Omnibus Project – John Roderick and Ken Jennings (of Jeopardy fame) talking about all kinds of weird and interesting subjects. Highly recommended.

    16. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      On Being is a good one! Sometimes it touches controversial topics but you can go by episode.

  43. Mazzy*

    I’m looking for insight from people who’ve worked in charities and know what’s going on behind the scenes. I give money to a bunch of charities. I’m questioning some of the logic in the images I’m seeing now. I’m seeing lots of pictures of dogs in cages, mostly in China, for use in fur and food. I’m not questioning in validity of the concept, but I don’t get the pictures. One was an expose showing dogs abandoned because of covid. I get that that can happen, but how is someone there photographing it all, yet they can’t refill the water buckets or bring food? That’s what I don’t get. If I were in the situation where I could either sneak in food/water or do a photoshoot to eventually get money from westerners so that one day we could pay someone to take care of the animals, I’d take choice A. That’s what I don’t get. Does anyone who is familiar with the inner workings of charities get what I am talking about and have any insight?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Having been to live markets in China where I saw cats and dogs in cages for food: It would be very hard to sneak food or water to them but you could easily take photos. Plus, even where you could get them food and water, the photos are valuable in showing people animal suffering and mobilizing them to act. It lets you work to ease the suffering of thousands of animals rather than temporarily helping a few in only the very short-term.

      It’s the same logic as animal activists who go undercover at factory farms or fur farms or labs and come out with photos and video of animal abuse; those images help get the abuse stopped on a much wider scale than if they dropped their cover and tried to rescue a few animals (before getting caught and kicked out).

      Also, with something like abandoned animals where no one is stopping you from having access to help, there’s no reason you can’t do both: provide food and water and take photos so people see the scale of the problem. I would assume in a case like that they did both. (Source: used to work in animal protection.)

      Photos and videos help much larger numbers than you can help on your own.

      1. Anonnington*

        Awesome!

        And I didn’t know you used to work in animal protection! Lots of respect!

      2. Mazzy*

        Oh wow, so sad. I guess I wanted some validation that all of the photos I’m seeing are of real things, you know? And there it is. I get so many requests and maybe am getting a little desensitized or think they aren’t real or something. I guess I will continue my donations and not find an excuse to skip them.

        1. pancakes*

          You can use TinEye or google image search to try to find the source of an image you’re curious about. It doesn’t always work, but can be useful.

        2. Stephanie*

          Our most recently adopted dog was rescued from the meat trade in China. I really didn’t know that it was that much of a thing, but it seems to be.

    2. I'm just here for the cats*

      Also, groups like ASPCA and other rescues often take photos when they go into hoarding places, etc, before they can take the animals. Partly I think g this is to docuet the conditions for legal reasons (filing charges, or if owners try to say they took animals with out czuse). But like AAM stated I also think they take pictures to show how bad the abuse is o people can really unders, and then donate to the cause.

    3. Observer*

      I’m not going to repeat what the others have said specifically about animal rescue. I just want to point out a more general thing.

      In many cases, it’s a LOT easier to get pictures that actually do something. (There are exceptions where someone should have just put down the camera and DONE something, but that’s not as common as people think.) And in many other cases, there is no reason you can’t do both. Which is to say, most of the time it’s not a matter of choosing to take pictures vs easily providing help (or even providing help at all.)

  44. Merci Dee*

    AAMers, talk to me about your problems with vertigo. Do you experience it often, are there certain triggers for your episodes, how do you relieve it, how long until it goes away?

    My mom, my sisters, and I are all prone to vertigo, and I’ve been zapped with it over the past week. A solid freaking week. Last Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were the worst, where any slight tip of the head set off the dizziness. Dropped something on the floor? Oh, well. It’s staying there until someone else can pick it up. Need to tilt your head back to rinse shampoo out of your hair? Ha! Hope you wanted to take the rest of that shower from the bathtub floor! Time to lay down and go to bed? That’s the best swirly-whirly carnival ride of them all!

    I’ve done some reading about the condition (because of course I have), and sources seem to agree that getting adequate rest and regular meals and hydration can really help combat the problem. I’ve been trying to increase my fluids, which is just good business anyway, and trying to make sure that I’m not skipping meals when at home and away from the routine breaks of work. It seems to be helping some. The symptoms have been easing steadily over the past few days, to the point where the only time it’s really a problem is when I lay down at night (even then, there’s a delay in the onset of the motion sensation, and it lasts less than a count of two-Mississippi) and when I first sit up in the morning.

    I feel like I’m going to be over this for good in maybe another day or two. But, wow, I will be so glad when this is all over. This is definitely the longest I’ve ever had an episode. Most of them have only lasted for a day, and never longer than two.

    1. MsChanandlerBong*

      I had repeated episodes of vertigo over a six-month period about 13 years ago. I have no idea why they started, but they disappeared just as suddenly and never returned. The doctor gave me patches to wear behind my ear, but they just made my vision blurry and gave me a headache, so I didn’t wear them often. Otherwise, I didn’t do anything special to combat them.

    2. Lizabeth*

      I get it occasionally. The first time it happened I had to stay in bed two days because it was that bad. Highly suggest going to an Ear, Nose and Throat doc. He explained about crystals floating in the inner ear that come with aging. Sometimes they get in a position where they irritate and cause vertigo. What he did for me was an “adjustment” that was me laying on one side in a 45 degree recline (head end down). Since then, if I have a dizzy spell, I will do it myself on our staircase rather than go in and do the $50 copay. Hydration is a good thing as well. I try to drink something after every bathroom visit.

    3. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Concur with Lizabeth; you can Google info on trying the different head positions yourself.

    4. fposte*

      I get benign positional vertigo, which might be what you’re talking about, sometimes–I had one big initial bout and it’s popped up occasionally since then, but weirdly (and fortunately) it’s only on one side. I tried the Epley maneuver but it never worked for me; I just waited it out and the otoliths found their way back home.

      1. Merci Dee*

        This is what my mom was diagnosed with back when I was in middle school, and my sisters and I have all received the same diagnosis at different times. I had a terrible bout about 12 years ago, several months after sinus surgery. I went back to the ENT, and he laid me down on a bench and tried the Epley maneuver to get the calcium crystals back where they belonged, and I got so dizzy from the head positioning that I rolled/fell off the bench. He wanted me to re-start the treatment, and I told him he was freaking crazy. Bleh.

    5. nep*

      Have you checked to see whether it’s an ear issue?
      Sorry you’re struggling with that. Vertigo is hell.

    6. Chaordic One*

      In my experience, the big trigger is excessive earwax.

      My elderly father suffers from this condition and in his case it is usually caused by a buildup of excessive earwax that affects his inner ear. It is usually fairly easily remedied by a trip to his ENT every few months to have the earwax removed using this squirt-gun like medical tool to remove the earwax. (The actual procedure is usually done by our ENT’s PA.) The frustrating part for my father is that he usually knows what the problem is and how to resolve it, but when he goes to his ENT or to another doctor, they immediately want to run a whole bunch of tests to make sure that it the problem isn’t something else more serious, which they do and which usually don’t amount to anything. I guess it is better to be cautious though.

      Having had this problem myself, also caused by excessive earwax, my ENT prescribed a hydrocortisone ointment in a petroleum jelly base that when applied into my ears using my pinky fingers before bedtime. While sleeping the ointment liquifies, dislodges the earwax and then runs out of my ears onto my pillow (which makes a mess). I’ve also had my ENT use the squirt-gun thing on me. When the problem is earwax, over-the-counter hydrocortisone ointments in petroleum jelly bases seem to work almost as well as the prescription ones, they just don’t have as much hydrocortisone in them. Stick to the petroleum jelly based ones, the creme-based ones just don’t work as well and can dry in your ear and make things worse.

      Another time I had a doctor prescribe ear drops. I think they had alcohol in them. I put the drops in my ears after a shower or bath or swimming and it dried up any excessive moisture in my ears.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Wow, I’m sorry you and your dad have these problems with buildup and vertigo all at the same go.

        I generally don’t have problems with excessive earwax buildup, mainly because of a tendency to have problems with swimmer’s ear and water buildup in my ears. As a result, I typically dose myself with Swim Ear once every couple of weeks when water gets in my ears from showering – which was why it sucked so much that I couldn’t tilt my head back to rinse my hair and just had to stand under the spray with water going every which way. It made my skin crawl. Barring access to Swim Ear, I use a mix of rubbing alcohol and a smidgen of hydrogen peroxide to get the water out.

        Also, on a daily basis, I’m breaking all kinds of doctors’ advice and using cotton buds to gently (so gently!) dry just around the entrance to my ear canals to help prevent the water from running down inside and causing problems.

        Every time I’ve bad to go to the doc for a sinus infection and he checks my ears for fluid ir infection, he tells me they’re freakishly clean.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      This may not be related to your issue but I’m sharing it in case it’s a trigger. I’m participating in an extended program with two-day retreats every month that were originally supposed to be in person but now are remote. With hours on Zoom when I used the gallery view the first weekend, I had developed positional vertigo by the end of the first day. Fortunately it resolved with 24 hours after the second day, and now I’m careful about how often and in what format I use the screen.

      I’ve now heard that others have developed vertigo from long hours on video calls. If you’re spending a lot of time doing that related to sheltering in place, perhaps that’s an additional trigger for your existing condition.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Thankfully, I haven’t had to do a bunch of video calls, so that’s not contributing to the situation. Unfortunately, the reason I haven’t had to do video calls is because my industry in general and my position in my company were considered essential, so I’ve been going in to the office for work (my company has been absolutely amazing about taking temps and providing sanitizing wipes at the access gates, providing all employees with reusable masks every month and 3 surgical masks every week, hand sanitizer at all high touch areas as well as bottles to keep at our own desks, installing plexi guards at all lunch and break room tables, rearranging work stations to provide as much space as possible between them…. they’ve really done everything within their power to make our workplace safer, considering that we’re a manufacturing facility and that presents certain challenges for an assembly line situation). I think I’ve attended maybe 3 remote meetings in the past 3 months.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Glad you’re as safe as possible at that place we don’t discuss on weekends. As someone else suggested, I’ve heard good things about the somersault maneuver although I haven’t tried it myself. Good luck, vertigo is miserable.

    8. Stephanie*

      Oh, yes. I’ve had occasional bouts of vertigo for almost 20 years. I’ve found a few things that help: taking an over the counter decongestant (I like the ones that you have to get at the pharmacy counter best: Advil Cold and Sinus is a good one) as soon as I notice any trace of vertigo can nip it in the bud. Staying really well hydrated helps, too.
      I found a somersault maneuver that works to quell the vertigo after it happens. It’s easy to find in a google search.

      I also found out when I went for physical therapy for what seemed like a completely unrelated issue (wrist and hand pain) that my migraines, vertigo and wrist pain were all related to my TMJ issues. Strengthening my wrists, upper back, upper arms and shoulders did wonders for all of those issues. Also, neck stretches are helpful.
      I hope you’re right, and you’re recovered soon. My first time was when I was pregnant, and it was so bad that I couldn’t walk without falling down. Vertigo is awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
      Good luck!

      1. Merci Dee*

        One of my coworkers has a husband who suffers from vertigo more often than he would like, and she mentioned that he can usually take 2 antihistamines like Benadryl and that cuts it off immediately. I’m sure it works just as they and you have described, but I’m reluctant to try because decongestants/antihistamines knock me right the heck out. So, how does that work? Do you take them at any time of the day, at a certain time,or what? Part of my reticence is because I already take a 24-hour allergy/decongestant pill and allergy/decongestant nasal spray every night before bed, and I’m uneasy at the thought of adding some Sudafed or Benadryl on top of that. That seems like an awful lot of meds. Also, I would think that, if the decongestant were going to provide any relief for the vertigo, the two meds I already take would have helped out by now …? I dunno. That’s probably something I can discuss with my doctor after it’s safe to go for more routine medical care.

        Thanks for the stretching suggestions, though. Chiro told me years ago that I needed to work the muscles in the back of my neck more, because of my desk/typing job. I’ve been falling down on that lately.

        1. Stephanie*

          With the meds you’re already taking, I understand not wanting to take more decongestants. I probably wouldn’t, if I were you.

          For the stretching, I discovered that at 36″ foam roller is a really, really good tool for that. I put it on the floor, and lie down on it, with it running lengthwise under my spine. I lay there for a few minutes, with my arms extended out to the side, and my head resting back on it. It really loosens up my upper back and chest, and my neck, too. I was using one at the gym, but have noticed some neck and shoulder pain since it’s been a few months. I just picked up a roller at Target today, it was around $30. I highly recommend getting one. It came with a free digital workout, a 25 minute stretching video that I’m excited to try tomorrow.
          Also–google the somersault maneuver for vertigo. It truly saved me a few years ago. It may not work for you, but it takes just a minute, so it’s worth a try.

    9. Me*

      I had it 2 years ago for over 2 months. Sooo yeah. It SUCKS. Mine was positional vertigo (ear crystals), so once I realized that, I went to the ENT to do the Epley maneuver. I had to do it twice but it worked and my vertigo ultimately went away. I treated the residual dizziness with Antivert or an antihistamine to “reset” my brain, which was obviously disoriented after having ear crystals for so long.

      If it is improving steadily, it’s possible it’s getting better, and maybe some Antivert will help hold you over. I also recommend always sleeping with your head a little elevated on stacked pillows. In my case, I think vertigo was triggered by weird sleeping positions.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Yeah, things seem to be improving for the past few days. I can bend over to grab the cat’s food under the kitchen counter, and I can grab his water bowl from the holder and put it back down after I’ve scrubbed and refilled it. Those only take a second. But bending over long enough to scoop his litter box is still beyond me – better if I bend over for a second to pick up the box, then sit it on a set of nearby drawers so I can take my time to scoop while I’m standing up, and then quickly bend over to sit it down again. I figured out the pick-up-the-box trick after I tried to scoop while bent over on Tuesday, and then felt like I was going to hurl until lunch time.

        1. Me*

          Instead of bending over, try kneeling to reach things on the floor instead. While you are recovering, you want to avoid lowering your head too much.

    10. RagingADHD*

      For me, it’s always related to fluid in my sinuses & inner ear. Usually from allergies sometimes from a headcold.

      The main thing that helps is getting my eustacian tubes to drain properly, so that can be a combination of warm drinks, expectorant meds, NSAIDs, warm compresses, salt water gargles, and sometimes decongestants.

      (I put decongestants last because a) they conflict with some of my other maintenance meds, and b) sometimes they just make the fluid into a thick plug of goo instead of getting rid of it.)

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Mine is allergy related–I’m allergic to mildew/mold and pollen and I lived & worked at the edge of inland wetlands. Vertigo and tonsil stones were near constant companions.
      My best solution was to use nasal rinse twice a day plus after any yard work. (Google neti pot if you’re unfamiliar, I ended up with brand name Sinugator.)

    12. ampersand*

      What Lizabeth said! I had this done, too, years ago, after a particularly bad cold induced vertigo that wouldn’t go away for weeks. The crystals (canaliths) were out of place–an adjustment fixed it. I had to keep my head pretty still for about 24 hours after that procedure, which was challenging but doable. I haven’t had a problem with bad vertigo since then. I occasionally get mild vertigo when I first lie down or when moving my head too quickly but it’s very short-lived (like seconds, not minutes) and manageable. Making sure I’m hydrated and not too tired also helps.

      Definitely look into visiting a doctor who can do treatments, if you’re able! I hope you get some relief soon–vertigo is terrible.

    13. Venus*

      There is the alignment in your ears, which requires head tilting. That works well for a lot of people. I have a friend who tried that many times without success, and went to an ENT specialist. They asked about car sickness, and my friend said that they had suffered horribly all their life and it was in the family. The ENT said that it was likely a very sensitive body, and gave them some exercises to desensitize their body. I don’t know the details, but one of them was to go around in circles for a while, which causes problems but after a week it did improve.

  45. RMNPgirl*

    Surface or iPad Pro? Or something else entirely?

    I’m going to be starting a master’s program in the fall, it’s online and will be part-time as I’m still working full-time. I obviously don’t want to use my work laptop for the program and my personal computer is a small MacBook which can’t handle much beyond internet.

    I do prefer hand writing notes which is why I was considering the surface but I’m also willing to do old school pen and paper if another computer would be better. I need something light and easy to transport as well which is why I was looking at pads instead of laptops.

    1. Reba*

      Not knowing what your program is… what will you need beyond Internet, some office programs and maybe the note app of your choice?

      I hate writing on the iPad with the stylus thingy. but this is totally YMMV.

      Try out a few things. Many people find that they actually retain information differently/better by handwriting rather than typing it. It worked really really well for me — my grad school system was made up of notebooks with sections and post-it flags, and I rarely felt like I lost information or couldn’t remember where something was. But you might find that being able to text-search or tag your notes is invaluable.

      And notebooks are light :)

    2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Depends on your program and preferences but I’ve found it very frustrating to try to write on my iPad. I’d go with something with a proper keyboard that can run decent word processing software for writing essays etc. But then I’m kind of old school in that respect. What about a Chromebook or inexpensive regular laptop?

      1. Pippa K*

        I got an external Bluetooth keyboard for my iPad for about $30 on Amazon and it’s great. Much easier to write on it now, and I can take notes and draft documents easily.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I did two masters degrees (one fully online, one hybrid online/in person) pretty much entirely on my iPad Pro. Hand-wrote all my notes, as well as annotating PDF articles and such, in Notability and wrote most of my papers in Word on the iPad. There were a few assignments where I switched to an actual computer, and I had one statistics class that I had to do specifically on a Windows laptop because of the software required, but that was really unusual for my experience.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (Notability is an app – when I say I handwrote all my notes I do mean using an Apple Pencil on the iPad.)

    4. Asenath*

      This depends so much on personal preference and the requirements of your program. I really dislike hand-writing notes and although I do use a tablet and a phone for minor personal things, I really want my desktop and a separate keyboard if I’m going to do any amount of writing. And what’s going to be easiest for the online software of your school? Do you need a camera? I’ve got a built-in camera on my tablet, of course, but find it so much easier to login on one tab and type notes in a new tab with my desktop, which doesn’t have a camera… YMMV

    5. Recent Grad*

      I used an iPad Pro for most of college and loved it for hand written notes. It does take a little while to adjust to writing on the smooth glass screen though. An iPad is definitely a tablet and has some limitations because of that. Microsoft word for iPad is a lot more limited than the computer version. A classmate of mine had a surface (pro?) tablet and it seemed like it was a lot more like a regular laptop.

    6. WG*

      I switched from an iPad to a Surface Pro about 3 years ago. I really like the Surface better, possibly because my work and other home computers are all PCs. The iPad I had couldn’t multitask or utilize some of what I needed, such as a VPN to access work files.

      I bought the keyboard cover and pen with the surface, so it works for me as a small laptop. I use it for occasional work from home, online classes I take for fun or professional development, taking minutes for meetings at a volunteer board I’m on, and as a tablet for reading and web surfing.

    7. Observer*

      If I had to choose only between these two I would have to say Surface. In addition to the handwriting, it does standard work type programs far better than the iPod. I’m talking stuff like word processor and spreadsheets. That’s just not where the iPad focus is. Even if you get the keyboard.

      The real question to me is why not a newer Mac? It’s true that you will lose the pencil, but I would think that moving from one Mac to another would be easier that moving from a Mac to Windows. And in some ways, unless you are also an iPhone user, moving to an iPad is not going to be all that much easier, because some of the differences are pretty significant.

      1. Observer*

        Oh, and whatever you get, GET A KEYBOARD. Trying to do any extensive work without one is going to be an exercise in frustration.

    8. Practicalities*

      I bought an iPad Pro when I went back to university for in-person classes, so was taking a lot of notes. I wanted something that I could handwrite on and be able to search my notes as well as annotate and search my textbooks (which I cut apart and scanned to PDF, and I made PDFs of my etextbooks). The search function on my handwriting isn’t foolproof, but it works well and I love, love, love the fact that I can easily cut, copy, paste, and reorganize my handwritten notes and clip and paste bits from my textbooks and etextbooks right into my notes. I still have and refer back to notes I made from three years ago, which I’m not sure I would if I’d made hardcopy notebooks.

      I considered a Surface but (at least at the time, 3 years ago) the only app that could do handwriting was OneNote, and it didn’t do writing on a flipping pages basis, it would only scroll within a single expanding screen. That bugged me and I read better things about the handwriting experience on the iPad Pro with the Pencil.

      I use the Apple Pencil and agree with other posters here, the slipperiness took a while to get used to, but I’ve since seen a screen protector called Paperlike that’s supposed to feel like paper. I’ve not used it though, I just got used to the slippery.

      I use and love the app GoodNotes. Notability is also very good and has some different functionality.

      I also have a Windows laptop that predates the iPad. I used the laptop for Excel and Word as this what I was accustomed to from my first career.

      Good luck!

  46. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    Oh, thank you so much! All of these are so helpful! I have never thought about double buying stuffed animals but that is the BEST idea :0

  47. BRR*

    I’m not a exactly sure how to phrase my question and the answer likely depends on the person but here we go…

    My husband and I are currently house shopping. There’s one we’re seeing tomorrow that so far checks off every box accept one, it only has 1.5 baths. All bedrooms and 1 full bath are upstairs and the half bath is downstairs. While certainly doable, I’m worried it will eventually become a headache.

    Other things: it’s just the two of us and we’re planning on never having kids. We don’t have guests very often (in non-pandemic times around 5 times a year so it’s definitely not a concern). I’m not sure we can add a bath or half bath to the 2nd floor without sacrificing a ton of space and it costing a ton. I saw another house in the neighborhood with the same floor plan added a shower to the downstairs bath but it’s a really awkward layout and you have to walk through the living room, dining room, and kitchen to get from the stairs to the bathroom.

    I guess my question is sort of is this a small or big deal? Or just soliciting comments. The house otherwise is a great price, great location, And has a two car garage which is very nice and hard to find.

    1. Colette*

      It’s nice to have 2 full bathrooms for when you have to change something in one of them (e.g. recaulk the bathtub). But there are other options for showers if necessary (gyms, friends’ places, some workplaces) that mean you can get by with 1.5 baths.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Wouldn’t be a big deal to me, if it was just me and my husband. We both pretty much only use our master bathroom or the half-bath downstairs. The other full bath upstairs is an option in an emergency but I don’t remember the last time either of us used it; it might as well be our housemate’s private bathroom. But we get up and go to bed a couple hours apart, so the occasions where our getting-ready either in the morning or before bed overlap don’t happen very often. If you get up and go to bed at the same time, I could see it being a lot more complicated.

    3. Asenath*

      It wouldn’t be a big deal for me, probably because I grew up in a home as part of a family of 6 (two adults, four kids) and one and a half baths. And there’s only the two of you and maybe a few visitors. I do like having at least a half bath near or in the main living area for guests and emergencies, but for what the opinion of a stranger is worth, I think that the lack of another full bath is a very small deal in a house that otherwise fits your needs.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      FWIW I only have one bathroom in my house and it doesn’t seem to be a problem. I have proposed adding a half bath in a little nook under the stairs but for some reason my husband hates this idea. There are only two of us and we rarely have house guests.

    5. Ranon*

      If you live in it for a while and decide you truly can’t live as two people without two bathing spaces, you could potentially do a major renovation on the half bath to turn it into a euro style bathroom where the whole room is designed to get wet and add a shower head. The waterproofing required means you’d probably have to strip the room down to the studs, though, and there’s some getting used to the different routines needed to live with that kind of set up (more squeegeeing mostly)

      As three people (one kid) living with a single bathroom an extra half bath is on our nice but not necessary list and two full baths is pretty much a luxury item- but the grownups shower on an opposite schedule so there’s really no conflict.

    6. Grasshopper*

      I’m not in the USA, and I think people place more emphasis on having multiple bathrooms over there, but it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I’ve never lived anywhere that had more than one bathroom. I can’t imagine why it would become a headache, unless the two of you regularly need to shower at the same tinme.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Personally (am in the USA), it’s nice for overnight guests, or if the toilet breaks unexpectedly. I use our hall bath to dry my hair and do makeup while my husband showers, COVID work from home schedule notwithstanding. We certainly made do with just one in our last apartment, though.

        1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

          The bathroom isn’t a great place to dry your hair surely? What with the damp.

          1. ThatGirl*

            That’s why I use the hall bath, we don’t shower in there! I don’t really have a better place, no vanity in my bedroom or anything.

          2. ThatGirl*

            I’m realizing I didn’t specify that we also have a master en-suite bathroom where we both shower etc.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I think 1.5 baths is do-able especially if you don’t plan to have kids or guests.

    8. university minion*

      Because 2 bathrooms has become the ‘standard’, the 1.5 is probably the reason why it’s a great price. No big deal, but do realize it’ll also affect the price when it’s time for you to sell.

      1.5 bathrooms is perfect when it’s just the two of you. As long as the rest of the house is in good shape that the space is well thought out, it sounds like a great place!

    9. pieforbreakfast*

      My husband and I have lived in a 1.5 bath house for 19 years, it was 1 full bathroom until 4 years ago when we refinished the basement and re-did the creepy toilet/shower corner in the laundry area (walls matter people!). Our schedules are different in the morning so there’s no fighting for the bathroom then. The half bath has really helped when we have guests because access to a toilet is usually the more pressing concern when there’s extra people.

    10. Alaska_Blue*

      No kids now or future, just me and my husband. Currently live in a 1.5 bath townhouse condo, have for 12 years. Full bath upstairs by bedrooms, half bath downstairs by living spaces. Perfect set up except we we have guests staying with us. We live in Alaska and when guests come to stay, it’s not usually just a weekend. We are currently house shopping as well, and one requirement is our next place will have at least 1.75 baths, and also preferably our bed/bath on a different floor than our guests bed/bath.

      I grew up in a family of 4 in a 1.5 bath household, but apparently as I’ve aged (currently 42) I have gotten rather grumpy about sharing my bathroom space. My spouse showers at night and I’m a morning shower person. It really makes me irritated and frustrated when I can’t get into my bathroom. So knowing this about myself we are shopping accordingly. :)

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      We are 2 people living in a 1 bath house. I think 1.5 baths would be perfect for 2 people (we are planning on having kids and currently shopping for a bigger house). For us it’s usually the toliet/sink we end up waiting in each other for. One shower isn’t a big deal at all since I like to shower at night and he prefers mornings. But it does depend a lot on what you’re already used to.

      1. BRR*

        Yeah I’m only worried about the sink for getting up/going to bed and the toilet so I don’t have to trek if it’s being occupied (husband tends to spend a lot of time in the bathroom). Shower is not a problem which is why I was thinking we might be able to add a half bath instead of a full bath.

        Thank you everyone for your replies! I’m kind of gathering that we’d acclimate easily to what is basically just a new routine.

    12. Damn it, Hardison!*

      It’s just me and my husband in a house with 1.5 baths. The only time that I have regretted not having another shower is when we were thinking about redoing the upstairs bath and would not have the shower for a week. Otherwise, in 13 years of living here it’s never been an issue.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Not an issue. You’d have 2 toilets. You don’t HAVE to change clothes in the bathroom, you can easily pull curtains or whatever and have privacy that way. I have a similar setup, though 1 bedroom is downstairs.

      If it’s a problem with guests, the solution is to send them to a hotel. Which, if they’re making a fuss over this sort of thing, you probably would be happier with them in a hotel.

    14. Morning reader*

      The bathrooms seem ideal for two people. Only upstairs bedrooms and the only full bath upstairs could be a problem. Some people like it, having the more private rooms less accessible to visitors. But it’s an inconvenience to have to climb stairs and could be a major problem if you ever have a life period when you can’t do stairs.

    15. Stephanie*

      My husband and I downsized last September from a house with two full bathrooms (one was a master bath) and two half baths to a house with just one full bath, on the second floor. (No other bathrooms at all.)
      We have two college-aged kids, who pre-Covid only lived here sporadically (now they’re both back with us). After we had been in the house about 6 months, we added a full bath to the basement, but that had been the plan from the beginning. I thought only having one bathroom would drive me crazy, but it really was fine when it was just the two of us. (And we had a couple of parties/gatherings with just the one bathroom, and it was fine.) And I’m sure that if the house had had a half bath, we wouldn’t have felt the need to add the bathroom in the basement.
      We loved everything else about the house, so that was a factor, too. All of the other boxes were ticked off for us, so it was worth the small sacrifice of not having a bath on the main floor.
      And for what it’s worth, I do not miss having a master bath attached to our bedroom. The noise and light from the attached bathroom were really disruptive to the person still trying to sleep. Having the bathroom off the hallway instead of our bedroom makes a big difference in the noise level.

    16. Choggy*

      We actually moved to a larger condo but lost a second full bathroom and I can’t wait to have two full bathrooms again! We are a kid free couple but I really want my own bathroom. Was not fun when we remodeled, had to shower at the gym. Next time it will be new construction, one floor (we currently have three levels) and two wonderfully full bathrooms.

    17. Senor Montoya*

      We have this set up. Full bath (small room) ground level, tiny half bath downstairs. Me, my husband, our son — who’s now in college, but that’s what we had when he was born and growing up. No problems. You learn each other’s schedules and work around them.

      I’m gonna add “when I was a kid”:
      Two fairly small bathrooms. Seven people. Mom and dad has their own bathroom. The kids shared the other one. Accommodate each other and it is completely do-able.

    18. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We are two people (and two cats), just moved to a flat with two full bathrooms, from a townhome with 1.5 baths. Frankly we never use the other full bathroom tub/shower (and actually store our laundry drying rack in the tub) because its small and the cat box is in there too. Really we only use it for the toilet because its next to the home office which is in use all the time, but set apart from the main bedroom/bathroom so it is a distinct space. The master bath has a huge glorious walk-in shower and is a wonderful bathroom, so there is no reason either of us would ever shower in the cat bathroom.

      That being said, if we owned this place I would be tempted to redesign that smaller bathroom by taking out the tub completely and putting in a smaller zero-entry walk-in cubicle shower to open up the space more. If you are really concerned about your guests having access to a shower, or just having another shower in your house, look at what they do in the Scandinavian countries where often the floor is heated tile and there is a shower head in one corner that may or may not have a curtain/glass partition around it. The heated tile helps the bathroom dry faster and with a squeegeee you can get the tile wiped down quick after a shower anyway. Easy cleaning too!

      Also – at one house we lived in, my parents took some space from the garage and put in a bathroom in that area to alleviate the issue of having no bathroom downstairs and three kids. It worked for where we were and how the house was laid out, however, but its a idea.

  48. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    When might it be appropriate to write to a judge regarding a custody case?

    Long backstory: my sister and her husband have been fostering his nephew for the past two years. (Side note: my brother-in-law has a fairly tragic family history and only has four living relatives that he is able to contact, including his sister and this nephew. His sister had other children who were taken away and put up for adoption.). He came to live with them because his mother, who has been in and out of jail most of her life, was hiding him from child protective services and keeping him out of school. He’s never had a stable home and was often staying with strangers, living in a car, having all of his possessions stolen or sold for drug money, etc. Both parents have a history of major drug and alcohol problems and long criminal records. His mother is currently in prison and his father, who has not been with his mother for many years, lives in another state far away. The father calls the kid maybe once every six weeks even though he is currently trying to get custody, and has only barely managed to finish an alcohol treatment program after narrowly managing to maintain custody of his other three children (none of them with the same woman as my nephew’s mother).

    So living with my sister has been the first stable home this kid has ever had. He has his own bedroom, all the tech and toys and food he wants, extended family including grandparents and cousins, and a middle class family that can afford to help send him to college or trade school. If he is sent to live with his father he will have to share a three bedroom apartment with three half sisters he’s never met and a father he barely knows. I have nothing against his father personally but it seems bizarre that a judge would find it to be in his best interests to send him to live there. It would be great if he could go spend summers there or something but it seems crazy to me to yank him out of a stable situation just for the sake of genetics.

    My question is, would it ever be appropriate for me to send a letter to the judge asking them to consider the benefits of keeping this kid with my sister? Obviously I’d leave out the back story but the things like having a stable family that can help keep him on a path toward healing the trauma he’s experienced seem like such obvious benefits that I can’t understand why sending him away is even an option. The kid doesn’t even want to go live with his dad. But am I too removed from the situation? Would it just be meddling?

    1. My Brain Is Exploding*

      This sounds like a case where they should have a CASA (court appointed special advocate), tho I don’t know if that applies across state lines.

    2. Reimes*

      Why do you assume the judge will give the father custody? You say he’s trying to get custody, but that just means there will be opportunities for the people directly involved to give their side. That’s how the judge considers the benefits – on both sides. I don’t see what possible good a letter from you will do, incless you are being asked to act as a character witness or the court asks for such contributions. Depending on the age of the kid, he may be asked for his opinion too by the judge.

      The judge will already be considering the benefits of keeping the kid with your sister, as well as the disadvantages. You don’t actually need to ask them to do that. It’s their job.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        A transfer to his state has apparently been approved in theory, pending the father completing the joint counselling sessions. Which is surprising to all of us because the process has been dragging on for two years with no decisions until now.

      2. Observer*

        It may be their job. But they may not be doing it. And they may not realize what the stakes really are. Remember, if the bio dad has a halfway competent lawyer, then he’s leaning on the father’s rights and how he’s turning his life around and he’s longing for his child etc. while totally trying to obscure what the child wants and needs.

    3. Cat*

      Do you sister and BIL should probably have a lawyer who can tell you whether such a letter would be a good idea? If so I’m not sure why leaving the background out of it would be necessary. The court will be looking into all of that.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Just that I’m kind of removed from everything and there are probably lots of details that I don’t know or have got wrong, so I’m not the best person the discuss them. I’m sure the judge is aware of all of it already.

    4. Sara(h)*

      Do you sister and brother-in-law have a lawyer? If so, you should speak with their lawyer about this (or they should speak with their lawyer about it). If not, they need one. Only a lawyer who has a full understanding of local family law in your sister’s jurisdiction, and also how the inter-state circumstances will impact the case, can answer this question.
      Unless you have spoken to your sister and b-i-l about this, absolutely do NOT write a letter or get involved in any way. Follow their lead.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I don’t think they do, even though I keep telling her to get one. I wouldn’t send any kind of letter without their approval, I was more wondering if such a thing is ever done and whether it is ever helpful.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I think your sister and brother-in-law are at an extreme disadvantage if they don’t hire an attorney for advice. If the custody case is being handled by a judge and they don’t have an attorney, they are not using the single most effective tool to navigate the legal process.

            1. valentine*

              They absolutely need a lawyer, and that’s who would ask for letters to submit as part of their petition.

              Maybe you can get them stats on judgments with/out attorneys.

          3. Vina*

            +a billion

            – An attorney who works in these courts representing children
            (And, no, I’m not really paid to do so. It’s a passion).

        2. Observer*

          Please tell the to get a lawyer THIS MINUTE. If dad has a lawyer (and it sounds like he does) they will almost certainly lose custody unless there is a REALLY good child advocate in the case.

      2. Anon attorney*

        In my jurisdiction you might be regarded as a witness and you would be spoken to by any court appointed independent advocate for the child and have your opportunity to give a view to them. I doubt whether the court would place much weight on a letter but I don’t know how things are done where you live. As your sister doesn’t have an attorney (which is worrying -she really should have)I would suggest that you consult a family law attorney yourself to find out what happens in your jurisdiction and how you can help – I’ve advised people in your position before and it doesn’t need to be expensive.

        1. Vina*

          In my jurisdiction the judge would not read it or consider it at all. Under any circumstances.

          The judge would notify all parties and give them a copy, but he would never, ever, read an unsolicited letter sent to him.

          I agree with the above: they must hire an attorney. Full stop. No question.

          I represent kids as a GAL attorney in foster care cases. The outcome for people with attorneys v. People without is pretty shocking.

          Don’t ever assume the system will be fair or hear you b/c you are int eh moral right. Get an attorney.

          1. MatKnifeNinja*

            It also depends on the state.

            In my state, fostering=reunification as the end goal. If the bioparent jumps through all the hoops (parenting classes, substance free, gets a job and keeps it etc etc), they get the kids back. The state takes as long as possible for the bioparents to get their act together.

            And yes, they would send the nephew back if the sisters shared one bedroom, he got one and the dad’s in another. The amount of stuff the a parent can provide besides three hots and a cot, gets to school on time, and health care doesn’t really factor in it.

            Termination of parental rights is almost impossible in my state, unless the bioparent has done squat for two years. Does the sister want to adopt this boy? She needs a lawyer then.

            I’ve known people who have did open ended fostering with parental approval. It’s hard because you don’t want the bioparent to feel less than. Foster parents have the kids during the school year, and they go go the bioparents for the summer.

            I wouldn’t write the letter, because at the end of the day, if bio Dad did everything the court wanted, he gets his son back.

            Your sister needs to figure out what she wants, and get a lawyer.

            My friends foster, and just sent 3 year old twins back to their bioparents. They had the twins since birth. As long as the bioparents make serious effort, the courts will not terminate parental rights.

            1. Vina*

              Reunification is always the goal. That’s b/c SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the US) has stated clearly parenting our children is a fundamental right. Fundamental.

              There is a process that has to be completed. Honestly, I know most people only see the problems with that. If, however, you study the wholly racist, sexist, and horrible history of kids being taken from poor, minority, and single women, you understand why the parents get so many chances. Residential schools for the First Nations. Whitewashing of light skinned black kids. Ripping of children from single mothers. All this was still going on in my lifetime. In many areas, it’s still going on. (Hello South Dakota! F your biased courts!)

              Further, the goal isn’t perfect parents, or even good ones, but legally adequate ones. Just b/c the kids would be better off somewhere else doesn’t mean they should be taken from the bio parents. Just b/c the kids would be better off somewhere else doesn’t mean they should be taken from the bio parents.
              Just b/c the kids would be better off somewhere else doesn’t mean they should be taken from the bio parents. I’m repeating this b/c it’s important and people who’ve never been in the system do not understand that.

              Unless the bio parents are an active and ongoing danger that can’t be mitigated or corrected, those kids will be returned. Don’t like it? The solution has to be systemic to fix the dysfunction in society that drives this, not taking kids from parents who are legally sufficient.

              Finally, I need to state something very strongly b/c people don’t know this: The trauma that separation from family, parents, friends, pets, etc. can cause kids should not be underestimated. Separation is traumatic. It can often be more traumatic than the abuse. So separation should always be the last resort. Couple this with the fact that there aren’t a sufficient number of foster families and group homes are rife with abuse and bullying, often the best solution is to leave the kid in an imperfect environment and to work with the parents. If we lived in a perfect society, or even a better one, we’d have homes for all those neglected and abused kids. We don’t. And the place we send kids to can be much worse than where they came from.

              LW – a lot of what you wrote isn’t relevant to the judge in determining if the child should be returned to his father. It’s just not. You are conflating two things: (1) Whether the father’s rights should be respected or terminated and (2) Where the child should be placed after termination. You are guessing at (1). Unless you live there and have seen it with your own eyes, you don’t know. You do know about (2). But that’s not determinative of anything now.

              The environment he’s in now may be preferable. That’s great. But remember, unless the father’s situation is so dangerous that the child is in active danger of abuse or injury, then you will never get to opine to the judge how great his current situation is for him. If you don’t have any real, recent info on the biological father, I’d suggest staying out of it. You can do more harm than good if the judge things you have a bias. Not to be harsh, but some of what you wrote could come across as a class bias. You need to know that b/c I’m sure you don’t want to harm the foster parent’s chances.

              But all of this is so dependent on how that judge in that court looks at the situation. So, yes, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer.

              Two more things: Foster parents should never foster unless they are fully prepared to return the child. That’s the goal. Always. Always. Always. Foster parents keeping the kid is a failure that causes harm to the kid. Kids want to be with their bio parents (or parents who raised them). If one is fostering and gets too focused on keeping the kid instead of caring for the kid, there will be heartache.

              Lastly, if you want to ask any pointed questions, I’ve represented kids in multiple states. I can’t give you legal advice, but I can maybe help you frame your frustration into something productive.

              ****

              Tell the foster parents that they need to consult with a lawyer who practices in this area of law before that judge. If for no other reason than to set realistic expectations about the prospect of the child returning to the father. Sometimes, the biggest kindness I can do is tell people they will never get what they want.

              1. Vina*

                PS There are several states with gross systemic racial and class bias. I have a law school colleague who practices in LA County. Says that anytime he sees an affluent or rich white family it’s either mandated reporter sex abuse or daddy was arrested for being passed out on drugs in public. There’s almost nothing else that gets white people in that courtroom.

                Asians? Usually physical abuse that left marks/required medical care. Why that, IDK. But that’s what he sees again and again.

                I don’t believe that whites people and Asians in Los Angeles abuse their kids at a lesser rate than everyone else.

                The system is still flawed and biased against the poor, particularly black, Latinx, and Native Americans.

                This is why there are such universal, strong due process protections in place to make sure we don’t terminate parental rights unless it’s an absolute last resort.

                That should be what we want. Healthier families. Stopping the disfunction so it doesn’t get passed down.

              3. Observer*

                You are right, for the most part.

                One thing here is not really relevant – that is issue of separation. This kid never lived with his father. He wasn’t taken from his father and his father never was in his life till relatively recently. And, in this case, the trauma of separation would happen – again – if the kid is sent to his dad.

                Having said that, I think that you are very right that in the general sense it’s important to understand the history.

                1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                  This is sort of the bit that we’re confused by as a family. He does know his father a little bit but AFAIK never lived with him. He has barely been in contact with the kid and we don’t even really know why he is that interested in having custody because he doesn’t show much interest when he calls. Most of his life he’s either lived with his mother or my sister & her husband. I think at this point it might be more traumatic if he is sent away because he’d lose all access to his mother and the wider family.

                  But yeah, my sister is an idiot and I don’t know why she hasn’t hired a lawyer yet. I know she is a bit ambivalent about it because it has not been easy having him (and it was kind of thrust on them at short notice), but ultimately I think we’d all feel bad if we didn’t try to keep him with us.

    5. Observer*

      Find out if they have some sort of CASA / Child advocate program. This person would most definitely want to hear from you. Their job is not to look at whose “rights” are the strongest in a case like this, but what is in the best interest of the child.

      Hearing from you that this child is in the first stable environment he’s been in his life, and that his father is barely in contact with him at this point, so all but a stranger who the kids has not familial feeling for, would be important information.

      If they don’t have that, there should a be a Guardian Ad Litem – the person who is supposed to be handling the situation as the child is a ward of the court not your BIL and sister. But, worst case, yes write to the judge. It’s not meddling to intervene to help someone who has no power to help himself.

  49. Lap swimming*

    There is one outdoor pool not so far from me that is reopening. They are limiting to 30 people at a time for lap swimming, in 2 1h sessions with a 30 min between them. It’s a 25 yard pool, and if memory serves there are 8 lanes. So, they’re planning on 3-4 people per lane. The lockers and showers are not going to be available. I assume they will let us bring a towel/clothing into the pool. I miss the pool terribly but this feels kind of crowded, even if it’s outdoors. What do you think?

    1. I don’t get it..*

      I am struggling with this myself. I want to get back to the pool but don’t want to be sharing a lane with more than one person, ideally not sharing at all.

      I was hoping they would have ‘appointment’ bookings, so each swimmer could have the lane exclusively for, I don’t know, 15, 20, 30 minutes each?

      Has anyone heard of this happening?

    2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Honestly, even though it’s kind of a lot of people, it sounds like it’s pretty low risk if none of it is enclosed. Pools are already full of disinfectant and UV light is a good disinfectant, plus having just laps, rather than general playtime, seems fairly well distanced to me.

    3. cat paws*

      what the health officials are saying where I live is that the virus doesn’t live very well in water at all (chlorinated/oxygenated or sea), and that in a pool situation, the greatest transmission would be from crowded locker rooms. So, the danger in your case is not someone in the same lane as you, but the lanes being close together. You can breathe so that you’re facing the centre of “your” lane, and not the edge.

      1. I don’t get it..*

        My concern is being within 2 m of a person at the edge of the pool (within a lane, or adjacent lanes), when one or both people are breathing heavily, panting or gasping. Not so much the water transmission.

    4. Alex*

      That does sound crowded. I don’t even like it when I have to share a lane at all! But maybe I’m spoiled about that….but 4 people in a 25 yard lane? Unless it is some organized kind of workout, that feels crowded even without Corona.

  50. KristinaL*

    If you’ve self-published on Amazon, what do you wish you’d known before you did it? Other tips are welcome too!

    1. Pennyworth*

      A friend who self-publishes has found the free information available at Reedsy quite useful.

    2. MissGirl*

      You have to have several books up before you get any traction. If you’re writing a one and done, you’re not going to make anything. I just put out my third this week and it’s still hard.

      1. KristinaL*

        Thanks! I’ve written and illustrated 2 children’s books that I plan to self-publish, and I’ve got 2 more that are not too far from being finished.

        1. MissGirl*

          Children’s books are really hard to get traction on as an indie. Indie tends to reward digital over print and children’s do better as print over digital. Tap into your network of other authors and see what they’ve done.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Oh, for children’s books, ignore the parts I said about covers & formatting. That’s a whole different animal. Marketing is different too, because the buyer is not the target audience.

          Are you involved with SCBWI? They have a lot of resources.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Don’t try to DIY everything or spend zero money.

      Pay for a professional cover (not a buddy doing you a favor) that looks like it belongs with your genre. You can get a good one for $100 – $250.

      Speaking of genre, know yours. All your marketing is driven by genre because that’s how you find your readers.

      Pay for professional editing at the highest level you can.

      Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to format – use Draft 2 Digital. It’s free and excellent. As a matter of fact, use D2D to distribute your e-books everywhere that isn’t Amazon. Amazon “wide distribution” isn’t worth it.

      Build your email list. This will sell more books, cheaper than anything else. Learn how to do newsletter swaps with other authors in your genre and in close crossovers.

      Experiment to find your crossover genres. For example, I write traditional mysteries in a historical setting. Historical fiction readers don’t like my stuff. Contemporary cozy readers do, but edgy thriller type mystery readers don’t. One of my best crossover markets is “sweet & clean” or sweet historical romance.

      Negative reviews always come from unmet expectations. So bad reviews for anything beyond basic errors means there is a disconnect in your marketing – you are attracting the wrong readers and giving them wrong expectations. Don’t take them personally, use them to fix your marketing.

    4. knead me seymour*

      I haven’t done it myself, but my understanding of Amazon publishing specifically is that it’s all about quantity, if you want to see any profit. You basically need to be churning out content as fast as you possibly can. As opposed to traditional publishing or print self-publishing, I think you get a lot of readers through Amazon’s ebook subscription service, so they’re tracking clicks much in the same way that online media do. It operates quite differently from how books have traditionally been sold.

  52. Roja*

    Anyone have tips on where to find used furniture? We’re in desperate need of a few pieces and don’t want to spend tons of $$ to get them, but we also aren’t going for the cheapest yard sale vibe furniture either (no pressboard, etc). So far I’ve checked my local Habitat for Humanity Restore, Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist, and the vintage shop in our neighborhood. I’m a bit nervous to go to a large flea market right considering I’m in an area where the cases are going up, up, up, but I also don’t want to put off the hunt for months either. My quality of life would go up dramatically if I could find even one or two of the pieces we need.

    1. Amy*

      I’ve had really good luck with the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. I know you’ve tried that, but I had the best results when I checked back frequently and tried various locations. Some ReStores I visited had a ho-hum selection, but one in particular (which happened to be close to a really affluent neighborhood) tended to get some really nice things in.

      1. Roja*

        That’s a good thought; I live in a large metropolitan area and there’s probably more than one location.

        1. Sparrow*

          Similarly, check back often. Habitat Restores often have ho hum things sit for weeks while the good stuff gets snapped up quickly, so the selection will change week by week. You can also ask the staff and volunteers when they tend to get donations in and let them know what you’re looking for. Usually they can’t set things aside for you, but they might be able to give you a heads up on when they expect large donations

        2. BRR*

          Since you live in a large metropolitan area, are there furniture outlets near you? I have a crate and barrel outlet near me and would have to check back often if I was looking for a certain piece but there are often some really decent prices when the only thing wrong is like a scratch on the back which would be against the wall.

    3. Anono-me*

      Put the word out. I bet alot of people are thinking about how they would like to be rid of a piece of furniture, but just don’t want to deal with random people right now.

    4. it happens*

      Consignment shops in a tony area near you. Amazing what people decide to consign when they want to redecorate… but the advice to continue to visit and see the changing stock is good. New stuff every week! And some of them have websites so you can get a feel before going.

    5. Anonnington*

      Hmm. It sounds like you’ve exhausted a lot of the options I would have recommended.

      Here’s something to consider: furniture detox and revitalization. When you bring a piece of used furniture home, leave it somewhere for a few days. Optional: spray it down with a disinfectant and clean it. Then paint it. And apply a clear coat over the paint. This process will help with sanitization and leave the furniture looking a lot better.

      I view used furniture as a blank canvas. It’s an object that can be painted and redecorated. I know this calls to mind certain clichés. But you can give it any type of design you want. And it’s easy. Just use spray paint.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Estate sales would likely have the quality wood furniture. Some thrift stores. If you’re lucky enough to find a used furniture store that’s great.

      and honestly, depending on how desperate you are, the cheap stuff that is functional is ok. You can replace it later.

    7. Birdie*

      If you’re in the US, do you have a NextDoor website for your neighborhood? I see LOTS of furniture listed for free or cheaply.

    9. voluptuousfire*

      If you live in or near a big city, one thing you may want to do is check-in with friends who work in apartment buildings. If they’re a doorman or porter, they may get the heads up on tenants getting rid of furniture they no longer need and the items may be pretty much brand new. My cousin’s husband is a porter in a fancy building in Manhattan and half their apartment is incredibly nice stuff the tenants were throwing out after moving or redecorating. He scored a brand new, state of the art printer that someone “threw out” because it “broke.” Turns out it needed ink. :)

    10. RC Rascal*

      1) Try antique malls.

      2) Find out if any of your acquaintances is dealing with a house clean out. (Presently, I am going through cleaning out and selling my mothers home. I have lots of pieces of quality used but dated furniture I would love to find homes for.)

      3) If you are enterprising, drive through neighborhoods looking for dumpsters. Leave an note on the door asking if they have furniture for sale. (Dumpsters are usually either a sign of a home clean out from a downsizing or deceased person; or a remodel. Either way there is furniture that needs to go).

      4) If you are looking for specialty pieces, try eBay. I purchased an antique secretary there, as well as a cherry bureau I had turned into a sink vanity. Keep in mind the best prices go to people who can pick up the items in the market they are located.

      Good luck!

    11. Penguin*

      Have you looked at “architectural salvage” stores? Some can be absurdly expensive, but sometimes you can find really awesome deals. They don’t all handle furniture, but many do.

    12. lapgiraffe*

      I am quite a big fan of Craigslist but it does require looking often and being patient. For example, I’ve needed a floor length mirror for over two years and finally found one that was basically brand new for 20% of the regular price. A woman who was here for grad school had to leave because of Covid and then had someone sell all her stuff, fabulous! But remember, two years it took me…

      I’ve had good luck searching for “moving” and finding what equates to a small yard sale. I also search for specific stores (west elm, pottery barn, etc) and you have to get really creative at coming up with multiple search terms for the same item. I tend to check it most days of the week as if I were just scrolling through Instagram or twitter, and then you start to get a better idea of what is realistically out there, average prices, average quality, etc. Lastly, I have other friends who do the same but live in another area, and when we find things the other is looking for we send them along and help pickup if it gets to that. I also just got a new to me chair from Nantucket (I’m in Boston) because I have a friend who has to go frequently for work. I would normally never look there but she does and knew I needed something like it, a little light bargaining and a ferry ride later I can now enjoy my three season porch :-) My friend in Providence is the true queen and you can pair a visit with friends to pick up one’s latest treasure, happy hunting!

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Freecycle and BuyNothing are both worth a look. But whatever you get secondhand do remember non-covid cleanup. Anything upholstered, mothball it or at least try to bake it in the hot car in the driveway for a few days. Moths suck.

  53. Pregnant*

    Who else is pregnant right now? How are you doing? How is your mental state?

    I’m 16 weeks pregnant with a quarantine baby (a very wanted surprise) and I would say my mental state is not fantastic. Even though the study cited in yesterday’s CDC announcement about pregnant women being higher risk has some flaws in it, I’m still spooked about what will happen if get COVID. I’m high risk due to an underlying condition, and on top of that, I have serious concerns about what the “overzealous” inflammatory response that lands people in the hospital would do to a fetus in the long-term. We’re in an area that’s been hard hit so we’ve been self-isolating at home since early March.

    We’re very fortunate to be able to do this – my husband can work from home easily and support our family on one income – but I’m staring down the barrel of months of leave of absence from my work (which is now requiring people to come back in person) and caring for my preschooler (who is normally in full-time care) without leaving the house or seeing anyone, and it feels like a lot. I don’t really have the desire to be a full-time stay-at-home mom, especially under these conditions, but that’s what’s happening.

    So – how are you all coping?

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Oh, I could write books on this topic (and I posted threads months back) lol. I’m 34w along now. This is a high risk pregnancy, so the first trimester were the regular anxieties. 

      I’d say the second trimester was the toughest mentally — I had lost my job, and was quarantined with COVID. I think that was the hardest time mentally, not wanting to shower due to physical pain, not wanting to eat due to laziness, being devastated over my job situation etc. Thankfully I’m over that.

      Mentally, I’m much better now but physically not so great–which is normal I hear lol. A lot of life changes happening, not just the baby so a lot of things are uncertain. I’m learning to just let it all be. 

    2. Ellie*

      About 7 weeks pregnant over here with my second (older baby is almost 2). Aside from some pretty irritating and debilitating nausea and exhaustion, I’m doing okay. Since getting pregnant, I’ve gotten more stringent about social distancing and turning down social events that I don’t feel comfortable attending. My outlook on COVID started with as “ugh, can’t wait until this is over in a month” to “well, how can I protect my family for the next few years, my comfort be damned?” This time has been frustrating, but the silver lining is more time with my family just “being” and not racing around to stores, social engagements, library story times and other baby activities and feeling like we need to be busy all day. My husband gets to work from home, which means more time with us since he’s not commuting. Finally, I’m grateful for the change in my perspective that’s come about during COVID; with baby 2 I’ll be much less likely to venture out when they’re young, I won’t be carting them around to show them off to family members, and I hope to have less baby colds in the first month due to an increase in our awareness of sickness.

    3. Charlottemousse*

      My due date is this weekend! Still pregnant, though (ugh, very pregnant). I’ve been working full-time from home since mid-March. Coping by having zoom calls with relatives on the weekends, calls with family, daily walks (even if just 10 minutes) with my husband where we don’t talk about COVID, limiting my reading of the news to a few times a day, and eating things that make me happy (I’m definitely a “foodie” & so happy it’s strawberry & peach season right now). I also keep a journal that I write in a couple times a week before bed, even if it’s just one page of rambling. We’ve been trying to stay positive and enjoy this time together but also give each other space. I don’t know what the future will bring; we’ve not had the chance really to look into daycare at all, and I have no idea what wait lists look like right now, but I’m trying not to stress about it. We’ll eventually figure it out. The good news is that we both have months-long family leaves that we are staggering, so we still feel like we have time…

      So far, I’m trying to stay focused on the present and take things day by day.

    4. Vic Venti*

      31 weeks with first baby and living in Australia. I had some big challenges around 16 weeks- my work got much more difficult as COVID was amping up, a colleague decided to stop work (she was one week more pregnant than me), my husband had a bowel tumour diagnosed and needed major surgery etc – but fortunately since then things have gotten better and now I’m counting down to mat leave.
      I’m very lucky to have good support and live in Australia. I hope you guys are asking for help when you need it, and feeling well cared for!

  54. KoiFeeder*

    Naps: yes or no?

    My daytime exhaustion has gotten worse, probably because stress. I’ve been operating on the assumption that daytime naps only make you less able to sleep in the evenings, but I’m already not sleeping well in the evenings and I’m barely functional in the daytime. So, should I bite the bullet and start napping, or is that just going to ruin my already-tenuous sleep schedule?

    Side note that I have FINALLY gotten the in-hospital sleep study, but they’ll need at least three weeks to get back to me under the current circumstances, so I still don’t know what my issue is.

    1. D3*

      Take whatever sleep you can get for now. I do better with naps. Going to bed at night overtired makes it harder for me to sleep.
      But that’s me.
      Take naps. See if they help. I hope they do!

      1. NeonFireworks*

        This. Do what you need to do for now. Treating the issue will very likely turn things upside down anyway! I used to collapse into bed for a nap every single day after work, and the apnea tests kept coming back negative, and attempts I made to work on my “sleep hygiene” did nothing. I eventually asked for the full overnight sleep test, which revealed the problem: fragmentation. My sleep quality, even when I made lots of time for sleep and kept it very regular, was abysmal and ineffective, so of course I was always tired. Now on meds and doing really well.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I’m with D3.
        Also, I think nap length might be something you want to experiment with. I’m actually more refreshed for longer after a nap that’s less than an hour. It’s even better when I wake up from a nap naturally rather than with an alarm. I set the alarm for an hour, but if I’m awake earlier, that’s great.

    2. Roja*

      Naps vary so much by person! I’d definitely give it a try. Play around with timing of the naps and length–I can nap for 2 hours at 4pm and then go to sleep at a reasonable time, but my husband needs to take those 2 hour naps earlier in the day or he doesn’t sleep, and my mom can only nap for 20-45 minutes at a time no matter what (and she takes them at 11am haha). It’s just so individual! You’re already exhausted and barely functional, so what do you have to lose at this point?

      I hope things get better for you soon. <3

        1. PollyQ*

          +2. The only way to know if they help is to give them a try. (If you use a clipboard, it’s science!)

    3. Chaordic One*

      Yes to naps!

      If I take a nap when I’m really tired, I usually wake up again after 20 minutes to an hour and feel much better. If you are afraid you’ll not wake up and sleep too long, get an alarm clock and set it for an hour or so. One of the benefits for me, is that when I’m rested I’m not as likely to overeat and I don’t feel the need for daytime snacks.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I find a 20-30 minute nap can really help, and doesn’t interfere with my sleep as long as I take it by mid afternoon. But I agree that at this point you should take sleep where you can get it.

    5. Koala dreams*

      A lot of people like naps. I can’t do them because it takes me too long to wake up from the drowsy state after taking naps, so I lose hours of my day. I also can’t sleep well when I’m too tired, so I feel with you. Maybe try naps and see if they help? If you drink coffee there is the trick of drinking a cup of coffee, nap for 20-30 minutes and get up when the coffeine kicks in. (I have tried with tea but that doesn’t work for me, and I don’t drink coffee.)

      I hope the sleep study will help!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Caffeine actually makes me sleepier, for some reason. I thiiiiink it’s the autism? I know I don’t have ADHD, I don’t react to stimulants in the right way for that.

    6. Anónima*

      I love naps! I would ordinarily say go for it, but given that you’re about to start a sleep study I’d give it a miss until you speak to the people running the study. I think missing out on sleep in the afternoon at this stage, for you, will not make much difference in the long term, but may be an extra difficulty to overcome when starting the study.

    7. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      If you’re having a sleep study and potentially have a sleep problem then naps may be really helpful for you – why not try and see if it helps?

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Well, everyone agrees that I have a sleep problem, the study is to find a sleep solution ;p

        But thank you.

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      Do what your body tells you. If your body says it needs a nap, take a nap.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        My body also keeps telling me to remove my bad hip and use it as a bludgeoning weapon, so I’m suspicious about any advice it gives me.

  55. Gina reporting*

    1. Dental appointment went well. Thinking of waiting out Covid and maybe TTC next year….the dental hygienist I spoke to said pregnancy can cause bleeding gums, all sorts of swollen gum issues….eeeek X//// I’m prone to that while PMSing already :/
    2. Crisis of conscience: I wrote a 100 page fanfic and a small 5 page section is completely removed of its world (ie. Think, instead of James Bond it’s Max who goes in outer space). I retooled it such that it’s unrecognizable—that section plot scheme was entirely my own and far too beautiful to shove in a corner. So I submitted it to a literary short story magazine. Should I feel bad? I feel bad, but that excerpt was my original ideas.

    1. Parenthetically*

      No way! It’s not any different than using a writing prompt to get the ball rolling. What a great way to get the creative juices flowing.

    2. Sunset Maple*

      I feel like nobody should question this process anymore, since 50 Shades. If that garbage got where it did, you’re fine.

    3. 2QS*

      Creativity is creativity, fanfic is pretty much mainstream, and I’m not sure how inspiration is ever completely “original” given that we’re all steeped in each other’s forms, conventions, writing styles, etc.

      It’s yours even if it was a ridiculous accident – like if you went LARPing in the woods, hid under an outcrop, lost your footing, dislodged a pile of gravel, got up, looked back, and found a big natural ruby. In both cases, it makes a great story in and of itself.

      (Not that I speak from experience. I did once go to the playground as a child, run around a swingset, kick up some sand, and find a chunk of amethyst – but honestly, I think the explanation was much less “I have gemstone-sensing superpowers” and much more “someone dropped it.”)

    4. PollyQ*

      No, you shouldn’t feel bad at all! You haven’t done even the smallest thing wrong. You should feel proud of the original thing you created that (fingers crossed) may be getting published!

  56. Parenthetically*

    Procrastination thread since I haven’t seen one, if they still fit with the new guidelines! Go do something you’ve been putting off, then come back and tell us about it!

    Mine is re-organizing and inventorying the freezer and deep freeze. We have an incredible amount of meat and it’s hard to keep track of it all as it goes in, so we’re putting a list on the whiteboard on the closet door where the deep freeze is.

    1. Merci Dee*

      Kiddo and I cleaned out the refrigerator today so that we could make room for her multi-packs of Gatorade. When we got home from errands, I told her I wasn’t even going to sit down until the fridge was sorted, because it wouldn’t get done today otherwise. She jumped in and helped by washing the storage containers as I emptied them, so a normally very unpleasant task took all of 10 minutes to complete.

      In case anyone us wondering, I’m pretty sure I have the best daughter on the planet, and I’m not just saying that because I’m legally obligated to as her mother! :)

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I finally watched the original “The Muppet Movie” for the first time – does that count? :) My husband has been telling me I needed to for years and I’ve just never gotten around to it until today.

  57. Commander Adama*

    This week my sister broke her probation [again] and got arrested. She had a felony amount of cannabis on her at her arrest [I am completely 1000% for legalization but my sister has had similar charges before and been to jail before.] Not possessing was a condition of her probation. She can’t get bail now and our parents are going on about how “unfairly” she’s been treated. She is looking at more jail time now.

    When COVID-19 was over my parents and I were going to take a trips? My parents already gave away their money they saved for the trip to pay for a lawyer. So they aren’t going on the trip now.

    Any advice for dealing with 1) the guilting because I am still going to go even if it is by myself and 2) the pressure to help pay for my sister’s lawyer which I have no plan to do

    1. The One True Church of Ecucatholicism*

      So this is the *2nd* time she violated probation? And she’s charged with *felony* possession? I’d like to know what state this is happening in.

      I’m all for marijuana legalization, but that’s not really the issue here. Has she truly been treated “unfairly”? Based on the limited facts you present, I’d guess “no”.

      If it were me, I might contribute $100 with the stipulation that “that’s all I can spare, no more ever again.”

      1. tangerineRose*

        However, they probably will ask again, even if you stipulate “never again”.

      2. Commander Adama*

        This is the third time she has been charged with violating her probation. She had enough that she was selling it. She has a past conviction for selling. If she’s convicted of this felony it will be her fifth one. I can’t even keep track of how many misdemeanors she has.

        I stopped giving money after I realized I had given her/my parents $6000 over time for lawyers and bail for her various arrests. The time I helped with her bail she jumped it and ran. I have never been repaid a penny and she keeps on committing crimes.

        My parents think it is a miscarriage of justice and stuff. They are otherwise reasonable people but they have a huge blind spot when it comes to her. She isn’t getting arrested for things like protesting, social causes or things like that. She isn’t a felon for smoking a joint. She sells grows and sells pounds of illegal drugs while on probation, assaults police and prison guards and others and commits bank fraud. My parents can do whatever they want but I refuse to help her any more.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      So my friend’s grandson ran up a few (okay a dozen) traffic tickets. The more you get the more it costs because judges see your driving record. Before this story ended he was facing felony level charges.

      Friend went to court with Grandson. The JUDGE, leaned over her bench/desk and said, “Stop bailing your grandson out. Stop giving him money and paying these fines.” My friend was so damn relieved.

      In talking around, those who work in courts view bail outs by mommy and daddy in a dis-favorable light. Re-offending is more likely. You can say that the court may frown upon all the interference from mom and dad. It may not help your sister’s case. It is interference because the person is shielded from the fallout of their poor choices.

      As to the lawyer costs, if your sis is adult age she may qualify for a public defender which is free. OTOH, your parents may qualify with their income if she is their dependent. The income criteria is a sliding scale. Paying for a lawyer was a choice, not a necessity IN certain settings. You can say that they should have checked to see if she could get a public defender for free.

      As far as the unfairness of the law: I will agree that some laws are not fair at all. Once a law is in place it’s too late to decide on fairness, all that is left is to obey the law. If the unfairness concerns them, they can contact their Congresspeople and ask for change. Too busy for that? Well then, they will just have to live with the system we have.

      To yourself you can say, “We have to let others go through their learning curves. And yeah, it’s painful to watch this.” You have made the correct choices here. Your parents will process at their own rate and their choices will be different.

      As far as feelings of guilt, I think that is just bound to be there in these instances. Feelings are just that, feelings. They are not actions. If you took actions based on feelings that could be a problem. But you’re not doing this you are letting logic guide you.
      You may get some relief in considering that what you are calling “guilt feelings” is actually grief or sadness that your sis can’t get out of this pit she has fallen into. It’s okay to grieve that someone’s life falls short of their potential. In situations like this I have had to sit myself down and have a little cry over it. Because, yeah, it hurts.

      1. Commander Adama*

        My sister doesn’t live with my parents so their income isn’t factored in. She qualifies for a public defender as she has no legal income and hasn’t for years but my parents think a good lawyer can make what she did go away. Which is delusional on their part.

        I have no guilt about not helping her. Not one ounce. But my parents try to guilt me anyways. I agree with what you said about parents and helping but my parents don’t get it. In the past she has broken both probation and bail. She has committed bank fraud, grown and sold large amounts of illegal drugs and assualted law enforcement and other people. She is a criminal and not a crusader for justice. I wish my parents would see it but if they want to waste money it is not my problem.

        1. Observer*

          If your parents try to guilt you change the topic. If they persist, end the conversation.

          Tell them that you are done discussing this and keep ending the conversation. There really is not much else you can do.

    3. Koala dreams*

      2) Are your parents otherwise reasonable? I have found the best way to deal with pressure from family is to apply a little pressure on them, so they feel their own medicine: No, I’m not going to pay for my sister’s lawyer, and you shouldn’t either. You are doing her a disservice by paying for her. You should let her learn from her own mistakes. It isn’t fair to not let her stand on her own legs. (For best effect, try to incorporate some of their favourite phrases when you talk to them.)

      They won’t be convinced but it will be less interesting to them, because they’ll won’t get the satisfaction of you humming along with their nonsense.

      If not, I would just change the subject or put down the phone when they start with the pressure. “The potatoes are cooking over” is a good excuse, and “the tea is getting cold” is good too.

    4. Sandra*

      Try going to Alanon and/or Narcanon meetings.
      They are 12 Step Groups for family members or friends of alcoholics and/or drug addicts. (One CAN become addicted to marijuana.) Google “Intergroup.” They can tell you the when and where of all 12 Step Groups.
      You should go. They will help you with your sister and your parents. They are free and they are lovely people.

      1. Commander Adama*

        Thank you for the suggestion. I appreciate it. My sister does not use herself, she grows and sells it.

    5. LGC*

      So yeah, you don’t have a sister problem as much as you have a parents problem. They’re enabling her by paying for a lawyer.

      To not get too political…like, I’ll be honest, I’m personally not that offended by your sister’s crimes against the state, and also I think the justice apparatus in the US (assuming that’s where you are) is broken. (And also: they’re keeping your sister in jail without bail during a deadly pandemic for the horrible crime of…having way too much pot to smoke on her own.) But also, you’re right in that she had one job and she…you know, didn’t do it. And it sounds like your parents infantilize her and make it seem like she’s a good girl who just got into some trouble. Like, as much as I philosophically think the components of the situation are garbage, she was told that she was not allowed to have weed and then she…went and got a ton of weed.

      (Or “a ton,” so to speak. You said a felony level and enough that she was selling to others, but that depends on the state.)

      One (kind of jerk) technique I’ve employed is…to ask, “Why are you doing X?” Sometimes, people go into autopilot mode and just go into maladaptive behavior. Right now, it seems like the norm for your sister getting in trouble is to mobilize and bail her out, get her the best lawyer in town, and try to get this to go away. Why not shift the norm to it being odd for you alone to throw in $6000 overall (and probably far more for your parents) to get her out of trouble without any guarantee that this won’t happen again in a few months or a year? It is patronizing, I’ll admit, but it seems like no one is asking this question out loud.

        1. LGC*

          I’m just wondering what point you’re trying to make here, because I also said that OP’s parents were enabling her sister (and thus shouldn’t be paying for her lawyers to “make this go away”).

          1. Commander Adama*

            She is on probation for crimes not related just to cannabis, mainly assault where she put an innocent stranger in the hospital. For this offense she had a crop in an abandoned house and I don’t know the exact amount, but it was in the high hundreds of pounds. Before the assault she had recently gotten out of jail for having multiple others crops. She can’t get bail because she when she was out on bail for assaulting a police officer and another random stranger and for bank fraud she jumped bail, went on the run and committed more bank and wire fraud and sold illegal prescription meds. And because she has violated probation all 3 times she’s been on it. There is nothing wrong with charging her for the crop she had or not giving her bail.

          2. tangerineRose*

            I think RagingADHD is commenting about “I’m personally not that offended by your sister’s crimes against the state”. She assaulted 2 people and committed bank and wire fraud. I’m offended by those things.

          3. RagingADHD*

            What tangerineRose said, plus your remark that she was in jail for “having way too much pot to smoke on her own.”

            Regardless of the pot, she’s also in jail for violence and stealing.

            Im just wondering if you philosophically think it’s “garbage” to put violent people in jail? Or if bank fraud should be legalized?

            Or maybe you were just in a hurry to reframe the situation in your own lights and missed that part?

    6. PhyllisB*

      You have my sympathies. I have a grand-son who was arrested numerous times for auto theft (I’ve shared his story here before.) His other grand-parents have paid untold number of dollars to get him out of trouble. (He was extremely young, not even driving age.) He was sentenced to four years’ house arrest, which considering what he was facing was a good outcome. Well, he just cut off his ankle bracelet and disappeared.
      Of course he will be found eventually, but I can’t help but wonder if they are still going to try to save him. We tried helping at first, but you can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves.

    7. valentine*

      Transform the relationship:

      ~new rule: no more sis talk
      ~information diet
      ~go low-contact
      ~think about going no-contact

    8. Can't Sit Still*

      1. Don’t talk about your sister with your parents. Set the boundary and tell them if they talk about her, you’ll hang up/leave/not respond to text/email.
      2. Say no to paying for your sister’s lawyer and set the same boundary as above.
      3. If your parents don’t respect your boundaries, go low contact. Consider going no contact when they escalate and/or bring other family members/friends in to pressure you.

      Just because your parents want to lay guilt on you doesn’t mean you have to accept it. However, they may never stop trying, which is where low or no contact comes into play. (20 years ago, I was the bad guy for refusing to have anything to do with my brother. Now, the family accepts that I will listen to status updates, like, whether or not he’s still alive. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear about him. )

  58. Sunset Maple*

    Is there anyone still using iPods or similar? My husband is firmly anti smart phone, and his 128 GB iPod classic just bit the dust. I’ve been looking on the refurbished market, but a lot of it is questionable. Any recs would be appreciated.

    1. Dan*

      Well, the iPod touch is the only pocket sized device that Apple makes that isn’t an “iPhone”. Except the dang thing is an iPhone minus the cellular capabilities, so if he’s anti-smart phone, I can’t imagine the touch is satisfying.

      I googled some stuff, and apparently there are still dedicated MP3 players floating around, but none that I can recommend, because… I use my phone as my music player.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There’s about a frazillion and twelve MP3 players available on Amazon, most of which have much smaller hard drives than that but if you can find one with an SD card slot, those come in pretty large capacities. But Apple, at least, isn’t making any iPods that aren’t either smartphones or not-smartphones-in-name-only.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I use a cheap MP3 player (SanDisk Sansa clip) all the time but it only accepts a smallish SD card (64gb I think). I know there are people who do unofficial repairs on iPods almost as a hobby. I read a really fascinating article about it a few years ago but of course now I can’t find it.

      1. Ronda*

        i use the sandisk clips with sd card and they work fine.
        need to recharge the battery more than i would wish, but otherwise fine.
        They are not expensive so I have multiple I can switch between to offset the recharging thing.

    4. Nessun*

      I love my iPod and will be very sad when it dies – it’s a later model with fm radio as well as mp3 player capabilities. When it does go, I will definitely search for a new mp3 player, but doubt I’ll only look for an iPod, since they’re hard to find now.

    5. The Time Being*

      I just upgraded from an ancient classic to a current iPod touch. I sprung to get a 128gig one, since I’ve got a large music library. So far, I’m pretty happy with it! I use it exclusively to listen to music & podcasts, no gaming or anything else; I want a music player that is only a music player where as much of the battery use as possible is going to playing music.

      Nice points over the classic: I can still navigate on the iPod itself while it’s plugged into my car, rather than having to use the car’s controls. Being able to connect it to bluetooth headphones is nice. Having new podcast episodes automatically download via wifi instead of having to update through iTunes is nice. It isn’t compliant with my job’s infosec policy for technology, unlike the classic, which means I have to keep it tucked away at work, but the bluetooth headphones mean I can still listen to it, I just have to step outside of security if I want to change what playlist it’s on.

      As far as I’m concerned, spending the extra to buy new rather than refurbished is worthwhile. I’ve had friends have terrible experiences with refurbished devices that didn’t work well. I’d rather have tech out the box that just works without problems.

    6. Cats are cute*

      You can buy a smart phone and just not use it as a phone.

      I don’t like to be interrupted with texts and phone calls while I am listening to podcasts, so I bought a used phone to use just for podcasts. I disabled all the other apps and only use it on wifi, so no sim card required. Swappa is a great source for high quality used phones.

  59. Lizy*

    I’m curious as to what everyone here would consider an “expert in child care”.

    Back story… my sister has 0 kids, works as a (very?) part-time nanny, does that online teaching-English to kids, and has some experience working at a daycare. She claims she is an expert in child care.

    One of my best friends ran an in-home daycare for 5+ years and has been a preschool teacher for almost 3 years. Another one of my best friends has been a high school teacher for about 10 years. Neither of them consider themselves experts in childcare. Nor do I. We’re all 29-33 with my sister being the youngest.

    My sister doesn’t like that I don’t think she’s an expert. But … she’s not, IMO. She asked me what I would consider to be an expert and my immediate response was at least a combination of all 3 experiences (but honestly I still don’t think my sister’s counts for much, comparatively). So now I’m curious as to what others think. Part because I’m curious and part to explain to her. Thoughts?

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I think with kids, the more you know the more you realize you don’t know. I think most parents are the experts on their particular kid(s), but I’d be hesitant to give the title of “child expert” to anyone short of a pediatrician or child psychologist.

      1. Batgirl*

        I agree with this. I objected quite strongly to the emphasis on humility and critical reflection in teacher training; at times it felt like self flagellation. However, with more experience under my belt I see how different children are, how individual and unpredictable. It’s just not possible to claim you have an exact formula for every child and you have to apply knowledge like an art, the whole time being aware of each attempt likely to be a failure until you hit on the right combination.

    2. Not A Manager*

      This sounds like it has some kind of long back-story. Why do you care if she calls herself an expert or not?

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        This. It’s not a science, so it really doesn’t matter, so it seems this is just a family pet peeve squabble.

      2. Lizy*

        There is lol. I don’t particularly care that she calls herself an expert, except she got offended I didn’t take her “expert” advice. (I have 4 kids.)

        1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

          Haaaaaaaaaaaaahh. Oh dear. I wouldn’t tolerate her unsolicited advice, either.

        2. tangerineRose*

          I think a real expert would have enough confidence in themself to not be offended by this. Of course, now I want to know what the advice was.

        3. Not A Manager*

          Ah, I suspected this. You don’t have an “expert” problem, you have an “unsolicited advice” problem. I suggest that you not spend time and energy convincing her that she’s not an expert. Pivot to strategies for deflecting unsolicited advice, instead. Captain Awkward has good advice about this, but tbh so do many advice columnists going back to at least Miss Manners. The basic strategy is, don’t engage, be bland, say something boring like “I will certainly think about that,” and have some changes of subject in your back pocket.

          If your sister is rude enough to push the issue, the better response isn’t “you’re not an expert.” The better response is “I am the parent.”

          1. Batgirl*

            This. I have professional expertise but I would never presume to dictate to parents about what they do with their own kids. Even when they are asking for advice I phrase it very softly as ‘You could try’ etc, and I never check up on implementation. Your sister might be fabulous with kids but she doesn’t know much about grown up interactions.

    3. The One True Church of Ecucatholicism*

      There’s the ‘informal expert’ whose expertise comes from life experience. Most parents who managed to keep their kids off the pipe and off the pole fall here.

      Then there’s the ‘credentialed expert’ who has one or more relevant degrees to their name, plus substantial real-life experience of some kind.

      I’d opine that your sister – who has zero kids – is an ‘expert on childcare’ the same way a Catholic priest can be an ‘expert on marriage’.

      1. Cat*

        I disagree with your last sentence. Someone whose spent 20 years (or whatever) as a preschool teacher can be an expert in childcare even if they have no kids. And I don’t think being a parent makes you an expert in childcare. Childcare isn’t the same as marriage.

        For the OP, it’s subjective and depends on the context. Not sure why it would matter.

        1. Colette*

          I agree. Being a parent makes you an expert on your kids; however, you are by no means an expert on children in general. Working with multiple unrelated children for years on end would make you an informal expert. But also, child development and education is a thing you can study.

    4. Morning reader*

      Is it a grammar problem? She could be “expert AT childcare” (Adjective) if she has some experience and perhaps a native talent. Is she a Mary poppins savant child whisperer? She could be a really good child carer. But to be an expert IN childcare (noun) I would expect her to be a pediatrician or PhD in child behavior, a 30-year experienced day care center operator who has published a book, or an apprentice to Penelope Leach or Dr. Spock, or all of the above. Or maybe the writer of a well-respected blog on childcare. As Alison was expert at management, and now has become a recognized expert in management. (I think to be an expert you have to be recognized by others as such.) she could be “expert” at taking care of the particular kids in her care but not be “an expert” on the general topic.

    5. ...*

      Why do you need to explain to her in detail all the reasons she’s not an expert? I would just let it go, what’s the big beef?

    6. Pennyworth*

      I would consider someone with both formal qualifications and considerable practical experience to be an expert (in any field). Your sister has neither.

    7. Sandra*

      Do you want to have a good, loving relationship with your sister? If you do then drop this issue.

    8. LGC*

      No advice on the specifics, but definite advice on the Dunning-Kruger effect going on here!

      I’d honestly let her consider herself an “expert,” because she’s mostly harming herself here. But I think that your best friend who ran an in-home daycare comes the closest (no offense to your high-school teacher friend). I also think that your friend that ran a daycare also has a better idea of what she doesn’t know, which is why she doesn’t consider herself an expert. I think what’s missing is formal education in early childhood care, which I’d consider a major factor.

    9. RagingADHD*

      I don’t know what the definition of an expert would be, but I do know that a childfree sibling telling a parent of 4 how to rear her own kids is called a busybody.

    10. Analyst Editor*

      I would say and is experienced but not expert. Your friend who ran a daycare and worked as a preschool teacher for years counts way more, in my opinion. I don’t think having some kind of certification is that important for this though.
      I think having multiple kids of your own gives you standing to claim “expert status” but 1-2 doesn’t. (I have 2.)

      1. Cat*

        I mean plenty of people do a bad job raising any number of kids. Just having kids doesn’t make you an expert.

  60. Aurora Leigh*

    House hunting update!!

    I posted a couple weeks ago about our potential dream house (log cabin with large addition on 4.5 acres) and our offer was accepted! We will be getting a home inspection done before closing, but we are so excited! There is a fenced pasture and a little barn so I plan to have goats (I raised them for 4-H as a kid/teen) and he wants to get bees.

    Any other hobby farmers here? What do you have on your farm?

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        I want to get Nigerian Dwarf dairy goats — so milk/butter/cheese is the longterm plan. They’re also excellent at weed control! And they make cute fun pets as well!

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      How lovely! Goats and bees are both on my “maybe someday” list. I have actual experience with chickens though, and totally recommend getting them too. Really not much work, great entertainment, and delicious eggs.

      Anybody else read ‘Storey’s Guide to Raising [type of animal]’ for fun? Cause I have read way to many of them.

      How many goats are you planning on getting? Will you get a buck or is there one available nearby?

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Yes, chickens too! And possibly guineas as well (it’s very wooded and they eat ticks!).

        I am thinking 3-4 does for a start, and we would need to get our own buck. And yes I love those Storey books as well!

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          A fellow fan of Storey’s! Let’s be friends!

          Every time we go to the animal flea market I’m always like, “goats! Let’s bring some home!” Alas, I live in an apartment now, so my goat raising days are far in the future.

          3-4 does sound like a good amount. The nigerian dwarf goats produce about a third the milk as a full size, if I remember correctly? That would still be a ton of milk, but manageable I think. And cheese uses up a lot.

          Have you figured out what to do with the kids? That was always my big conundrum as a teenager trying to convince her parents we really wanted to raise goats. Now, I’m a lot less tender hearted and would just plan on adding goat meat to the menu.

          My parents found that they saved money with chickens. Not because the eggs were cheaper than store bought, what with feed and building the coop, but because we ate so many eggs instead of more expensive protein.

          Have you ever seen the white and cameo peacocks? I haven’t looked into the practicalities of raising them, but they are so gorgeous I want to anyway. Since you are dreaming big anyway…

    5. Just a Guy in A Cube*

      Yay! We have sheep for wool and chickens for meat and eggs and some goats just because, and I do want to add bees at some point. My impression is that milking goats is actual work, which is why we’ve avoided that this far (this is very much a hobby inaddition to work and kids)

    7. CorgisAndCats*

      This sounds amazing! I hope everything works out with the inspection. I live in a log cabin and I wish someone had warned me about carpenter bees. They make a hole in the wood and then woodpeckers come and eat them and thus eat your house. Be sure to look around for carpenter bee damage! Even with the bees I love living in a log cabin, nothing beats that scent unique to a log home.

      I am on about 15 acres and have chickens, a pig, and I am thinking of getting goats this year. I would love to get bees but bears are a big issue in my area and keeping them out of hives is tough. I like the book “Woman Power Farm” by Audrey Levatino, it’s written for hobby farmers who just want to enjoy the land and don’t expect to make a living farming.

  61. green*

    I need a temporary pathway around my house so I can distance outside and not have a guest walk through the house to get there. I’m going to hire a company to do something permanent but can’t afford that until the fall (also it has to be approved by the HOA so it would be months for them to review anyway). In the meantime, it is a muddy mess and no one wants to walk there. I’ve looked at just putting down some stepping stones myself that can be removed later, but it seems just as expensive. I know nothing about landscaping, are there other options I should look into?

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      If you’re not expecting it to last and your HOA allows, I would just put down cypress mulch to keep the mud at bay.

    2. Alex*

      This isn’t the most elegant solution, but I’d just lay down a few layers of newspaper when you are expecting someone to walk there. Add more as needed. A slightly upgraded version of this would be some wide boards from the lumber store.

      1. Birdie*

        Yes, some sheets of plywood might work. And require those booties over the shoes when they come in, or they can remove their shoes.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        It looks like heck but some people throw down old rugs/ runners in areas like this.

        If you go to the lumber store/big box store, look at their seconds rack. You can get stuff at half price. It really does not matter if the boards are perfectly straight and have no knots. As long as it looks like it won’t break, you’re all set.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Leaf mulch will be an down into soil in a year but would be a good temporary walkway. Other kinds of mulch take longer to disappear so I wouldn’t advise them for a temporary need.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Clear plastic runners like what you’d put under your desk in a carpeted room? I’ve seen long narrow ones for hallways. Maybe just use clear plastic drop cloths (like you could buy at Home Depot) or even garbage bags held in place by large rocks?

    6. Penguin*

      Seconding bark mulch (cypress or otherwise)- it won’t look awful, it likely won’t bring you any grief from your HOA for “unsightlyness,” and it’ll decompose so you can more-or-less dump it and than ignore it (unlike lumber, which you’d need to pick up again).

    7. RagingADHD*

      Depending how long it is, we’ve made some good short-term pathways with an underlayment of landscape cloth, mulch, or another weed barrier, with wooden planks over the top. Two or 3 planks wide is ample.

    8. Venus*

      I don’t know what is considered ‘permanent’, but my neighbors just put in small stones as their walkway. Maybe you could do that without having to get permission? They drain water well, and are easy to do. Big stones require levelling the ground.

  62. Keymaster of Gozer*

    I stupidly went out in the hot daystar during the recent weather in the uk and now I have really bad sunburn on both my arms.

    Need tips to soothe pain/combat dryness.

    (I forgot I’m a computer geek designed to live in windowless air conditioned server rooms)

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      Aloe! All the aloe! If it’s really bad, burn gel, like for kitchen burns, helps too.

      Also stay hydrated, drink lots of water.

      I feel your pain.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Got some burn gel downstairs actually, from the time I got scalding water on my face from a malfunctioning kettle. I’ll give it a go.

        (Goddamn this hurts. It’s all over my hands too)

        1. Merci Dee*

          Put your burn gel or aloe gel/lotion in the refrigerator. Besides the aloe being soothing on its own, the cooler temp from the fridge will help to give an extra dose of relief.

          Every summer, I buy a new bottle of aloe vera lotion and put it in the top shelf of the fridge door for easy access.

      2. Anónima*

        Came here to say aloe!
        Holland & Barrett do a lovely gel one with tea tree oil in which would be mildly antiseptic also if you started peeling. I presume you’re not going back out into the sun though? Tea tree oil is contraindicated for that, so stay out of the sun of you do apply it (you should do so anyway to allow your skin to heal :))
        I use this as my moisturiser at night, and it’s done wonders for my breakouts.
        H&B also do a plain aloe vera gel too if you don’t like the other one.
        Drink lots of water too!
        Hope it gets better soon; sunburn is horrible.

        1. Anónima*

          And whichever one you get, you can add a few drops of lavender oil to it, which is extremely good for superficial skin burns.

      3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        I always have aloe gel at hand during the summer. All year round, TBH, since it helps with my forehead itchiness (stress? allergy?).

    2. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Cool compresses and ibuprofen vacancy help too. There are after sun lotions/sprays available, Sun Bum and Burt’s Bees are two brands I bought earlier this month when I had a sunburn.

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        I don’t know how “vacancy” got into my first sentence! It was supposed to say “can help too.”

    3. Pennyworth*

      Cool compresses – if it is still feeling hot you are still ‘burning’ – and paracetamol for the pain. Any moisturiser will help with the dryness, but basically you have killed the burnt skin and it will start to peel off in about a week. Buy some sunscreen and apply it liberally at least 15 minutes before you go out in the sun again.

    4. Recent Grad*

      Moisturize! After applying the aloe or burn cream apply a layer of a gentle moisturizer like Shea butter or coco butter(maybe even petroleum jelly). I’ve found this helps with the healing. Also stay out of the sun until it heals. Source I’m a red head who has made some mistakes when it comes to the sun.

      1. Aealias*

        Seconding Noxzema! I’m allergic to aloe, but I find the eucalyptus is the Noxzema really soothing, and it usually calms a lobster burn down to a reasonable tan within a couple of days of regular use. Just rub it gently in, don’t worry about rinsing it off.

  63. Aurora Leigh*

    Airbnb question

    In late December I booked a condo in the Wisconsin Dells for our May honeymoon. It was marked as nonrefundable, but at that time I didn’t see any reason we wouldn’t take a honeymoon. I contacted the owner in March about canceling and getting a refund and she said no. At that time Airbnb’s policy on COVID only ran through April 30. I decided to wait on canceling and see if Airbnb expanded their policy. When they did (Mid-April) I went through the cancellation steps on the website. I got an Airbnb credit for the fees right away, but I still haven’t seen a refund to my card or an Airbnb credit for the amount (about $150).

    Should I contact the host? Airbnb? Keep waiting? Anyone else have this trouble?

      1. Banker*

        If you’re looking at your credit card balance online, try going back to December. Airbnb are pretty good at refunding and often backdate credits to the date of the original transaction!

  64. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Can someone help make this make sense to me?

    Spoke to a mortgage broker for a preapproval and feeling really rejected now.

    We both have good/excellent credit, enough cash for a 20% down payment, I had good income when I was employed and I will have it again soon — but none of that is relevant because my husbands steady and self employed and we were paying our mortgage (technically under my moms name). Apparently these 2 things might work against us esp the paying a monthly mortgage?

    Am I wrong in thinking this is strange? suddenly feels like a balloon is popped.

    1. Birdie*

      Maybe if you can show you made all of the mortgage payments under your mom’s name/mortgage, that would help (cancelled checks for the period of time you made the payments; probably they would want to see that you made the checks to the lender, and not your mom). Even though of course you will have a job again, not having one now, even if completely understandable, is a negative as far as a lender is concerned. Also, self employed is viewed to be more risky, but if he’s been doing it a long time successfully, maybe a lender will agree to a mortgage in his name.
      I would try other lenders or a mortgage broker and you might get a better answer, or at least some info. On how you can improve your chances. 20% is a good start!

    2. Cat*

      I think you need to ask for more info. Paying a mortgage every month shouldn’t count against you on a vacuum. I’m not an expert but probably what counts against you is that there’s no assurance that you won’t still be paying that mortgage every month once you get the new place and your husband’s income won’t support two payments. If you already owned a place you’d probably be making an offer contingent on the sale of your old place or you’d move somewhere temporary after you sold your old place. You might end up needed to do that here too. But a mortgage broker or bank can tell you more.

      As for self employment, you will probably just need to submit more info and documents. They are not going to factor in your potential income but they will look at your husband’s history of self-employment and his income over a number of years. If it isn’t long enough you may need to wait to buy until you have a job again.

    3. BRR*

      Is the mortgage on your credit report since it’s in your moms name? If your only income is your husbands right now and hes self employed, I can see why that would be a mark against you with how banks see mortgages.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s what I figured. And that makes a lot of sense, that we’re saying we don’t have a mortgage but here’s a $2000 chunk of change taken out monthly, rather than a mortgage replacing it, this would be in addition to it. 

        We are in talks of selling oru place and got an offer, but we’re waiting on the sale to help us with the down payment – we spoke to a RE lawyer for more information and he said the money will only be available to us after closing which kind of puts a wrinkle in our plan but…we look for solutions. 

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          One way people typically do that is to close on both places (sale and purchase) on the same day — so you do the sale in the morning, get the money, then use it for the purchase that afternoon. Or you do the sale a few days ahead of the purchase, and you have in your contract that you rent the old place back from the new owners for a few days. It means you have to get the timing exactly right, but agents are used to making it work that way because lots of people are dependent on the money from their sale to buy the next one. (Your agent should be telling you stuff like this! If she’s not, that would concern me!)

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            … and I forgot the one being sold isn’t in your name, which complicates it. You definitely need your agent to walk you through options to make this work.

          2. Potatoes gonna potate*

            Ok that answers one of the questions I had down below haha! We’re not engaged with an agent or anyone yet, we did start talking to a RE lawyer for selling, and a mortgage broker for buying, but we’re not officially engaged with them I think. We did talk to him today and he mentioned that’s how it’s typically done, it’s something negotiated between buyer and seller for one to stay on the property for some time after the closing. 

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I’ve bought a house and recently refinanced my mortgage while being self-employed. There’s more paperwork required if you’re self-employed but it shouldn’t stand in your way — unless the self-employment is new-ish (they’re going to want to see steady, established income for at least the last few years). However, when I refinanced recently, my mortgage broker said that lenders are specifically asking self-employed people to show that the pandemic hasn’t affected their income — I needed to show bank statements with enough recent client payments to show that my income hadn’t dropped precipitously in the last few months.

      It could also be that you would have qualified with two incomes, but your husband’s income alone isn’t enough. If that’s the case, they won’t care that you say you’re about to be employed again soon; they’ll need you to actually be.

      If you’re not working with a mortgage broker, I would do that. They’ll be able to tell you what you need to do (or whether it’s truly not feasible right now while you’re unemployed) and can help with unusual situations like “we’re paying a mortgage in someone else’s name but that will stop when we buy the new place” — whereas if you just call Bank of America or whatever, they’re just going to give you a basic yes/no.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thanks for this Alison. The self employment is thankfully steady and consistent and we have all documentation necessary to show. On a friend’s recommendation, we went with a broker. A lot of what we do for the new house will be contingent on our current home. 

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Thanks everyone for the input!

      Sorry I thought I mentioned it — it was a mortgage broker we spoke to for a preapproval as most of the homes we are seeing are requiring this (which is understandable so no issues there). My friend who bought a house in our desired area recommended that we work with one rather than a bank. 

      For the longest time, I was under the impression that it’s a combination of factors: income, credit, cash etc. I didn’t think any one single thing would be a dealbreaker. My husband’s been working steadily for about 10 years so income has been stable. We have everything to provide, I just wasn’t sure why paying a mortgage would be a black mark. 

      This is all so brand new to us, we’re older than the typical first time buyers (35/41). Maybe I was a little bit emotional in my original post, its been a stressful day. Up until literally 3 days ago we weren’t even considering buying just yet — if we sell, we were going to rent for a year or so and buying was a long time away. but then we came across a lot of desirable homes in our budget (for both down & monthly) and we got excited. 

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Paying a mortgage that is under your mom’s name means that your mom has good credit. The fact that you made the payments will be ignored. Fair? I never thought so, but this is how our system is set up.

      Then there is the problem with self-employment that has been covered already here.
      So, yeah, it’s going to be an extra minute or so here to get a loan. I would try credit unions. I am a big fan. Some CUs are better than others so you might want to try a couple if you can.

      I am sorry, I know this is disappointing big time. My husband and I were literally LAUGHED at because we applied at one bank. I think it’s just about having enough courage to keep going, You will find something. (To this day, I will not do business with that bank.)

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        @NSNR – My husband and I did discuss that – if we buy the next home based on her credit but she has $0 income and is elderly and doesn’t speak English so I don’t think itd work. I kind of get it now, that the payments don’t help us but I didn’t’ think they should hurt us either. When we went in to this agreement of taking on responsibility for the house 6 years ago, we never thought we’d be in this position. All of this (moving, selling the home, buying/renting a new one) literally started gaining momentum a month ago so it’s been a rollercoaster.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Oh, yeah, please don’t try to use your mom’s credit to get a mortgage for yourselves. That’s many different varieties of badness.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            Yeah we talked about it for like 1 minute and decided NOPE. This is going to be our baby. (well second baby), our home, not my mothers.

      2. Dan*

        I’m jealous of people who have good experiences with credit unions, I seem to have gotten left out in the cold.

        I’m finally in a position where I can at least start to *think* about buying a house. My work is affiliated with a credit union that is established only two metro areas, but they’re both HCOL. The CU has a mortgage program for first time home buyers that requires nothing down. Sounds good, yes? Well the rub is that the most they’ll approve you for is just a tad over $500,000. Which is… kind of low for where I live. A majority of what you’re going to get for that price around here is a condo (with the associated steep condo fees). Town houses (generally lower fees) can be reasonably had for under $600k. Presumably, I can pay the difference between what I want and the max loan amount out of pocket, but at that point, I’m looking at enough cash up front where I may as well just have a go at a more traditional mortgage.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          oh my goodness! And I thought NYC was out of reach! We set a budget of 400 max and there is such a stark difference between 400 in NYC (not even manhattan, just any of the other 4 boroughs) vs NJ. 400 in NJ gets us a smaller albeit nice looking home, newly renovated with a parking spot! While 400 where I am gets a broken down and/or pre-foreclosure property. 

    7. Eloise R.*

      Sounds pretty normal to me. I’m not sure what you expected, or why. But if you have one of you currently out of work, and one self employed, that’s already going to make things a lot more complicated than if you had two salaries. Then you’ve got a history of paying a mortgage that isn’t in your own name and thus probably didn’t contribute to your own credit rating? That adds another layer of complexity that might put a lender off.

      In your situation, they’d want to see that your husband has a steady, reliable and long term history of income that would suffice to meet the requirements on its own, without your contribution, since you are not currently earning. All of that is perfectly normal and to be expected. Under current advice, they’d also want to see that his income was not being affected by the pandemic, and that would require further checks and evidencing. This part is new and specific to the current situation, obviously.

      A good broker should be able to advise you on the best way to proceed, and what steps you can take to mitigate these circumstances and maximise your chances. But it might be best to wait until you are employed again, as that would reduce the issues considerably.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        You’ right. I wasn’t sure. I thought since we had cash savings (and funds from a home sale), and steady employment history/steady income in my husband’s case, and great credit, we’d be in a good position.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Also….I never gave much thought to it but now that we’re kind of in the process Im just curious…..how do people buy and sell personal homes every few years? 

      The RE lawyer explained to us that the money from the house will stay in escrow until closing date. After closing is when we’ll have access to those funds, which is what we were counting on for our down payment. Without it, we have maybe 5-10% in reserves.

      So…..what do people do in that interim? Rent? crash at someones place?

      Or what happens if you sell your house and trying to buy another house and that deal falls through for some reason? Do people always have 6-figures cash lying around for a new down payment?  

      Heh, up to a week ago I wasn’t even thinking about this stuff.

      1. Generic Name*

        Homeowners who move from one property to another typically make the purchase of their new home contingent on the sale of their present home. Meaning, it’s written into the contract to buy, and it’s a totally normal thing because you are correct, most people aren’t sitting on tens of thousands of dollars at any given time to use as a down payment. Alison explains more below.

    9. Anonnington*

      I would speak to a few brokers before drawing conclusions. I applied for a credit card through my bank a few years ago and had a similar experience. I nearly cried right there in the bank. Not because I was denied, but because of the way they delivered the news. Hardships I went through a decade ago were brought up and used to imply that I was irresponsible. “We can’t, in good conscience, give you a card because you racked up some debt ten years ago and took five months to pay it off.”

      I applied for a credit card elsewhere, was approved right away, and everything has been fine.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Goodness that sounds so stressful! We talked to one today, we’ll be talking to a second one on Monday.

        It sucks when you think you’re in a good position and still get rejected. It reminds me of when I was looking for an apartment and mentioned my husband is now making $50k instead of $35k and the broker snorted and said “that won’t get you sh*t here.” He was a total sleazeball.

    10. Bank employee*

      Another thing to ask about now is who the sale payment will be made out to. If the mortgage and deed are in your parents name, the sale proceeds will go to them and be considered income. If they then give it to you, it would be considered a gift which is treated differently if you then use it as a down payment. It can also have implications for the parents. I would start asking about that aspect too since it can have several effects on the process.

      1. Generic Name*

        This is such a good point. If you want the proceeds of the sale of your house to go to you, you need to get the deed put into your name. Honestly, it’s sounding like you’re in a bit of a pickle, and talking to a real estate lawyer might help you determine your options.

    11. Anon for this*

      I’m not a big fan of realtors on the whole, but in complicated cases like this, it will help to have someone to explain things to you as a first time home buyer with complications. Although you have gotten some good and accurate advice here, you really need to get professional advice rather than internet crowdsourcing. This is a legally binding transaction with hundreds of thousands on the line.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Oh 100% on getting professional help! We’ve spoken to a mortgage broker and RE lawyer. We have not signed an engagement with anyone yet but planning to within the next few weeks. I was just stumped as to why the mb said that and a little emotional but got a lot of good info so far. Definitely going with a professional haha 

    12. Venus*

      I’m a bit confused, so might be wrong, but it sounds like your mother’s mortgage is your debt although unfortunately isn’t part of your credit score. So the bank views it as $2000 that you have to pay monthly, and they use all regular debt repayment as reducing the amount that you can get for a mortgage. If that amount disappears when you buy your own place then I would explain that to them, although from what I have read below it will continue to be part of your spending, so I can understand why it impacts you negatively. Which sucks, because you can’t even take advantage of it for your credit score!

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        No, so it wouldn’t be part of our spending. That $2000 we spend on my moms mortgage will go towards our own mortgage. We’ll be selling my mom’s house.

  65. Making videos on an iPhone?*

    Could anyone help me with some advice on using my iPhone to record short videos of me reading my poetry in the open air?

    I’ve got two key questions
    – what kind of mic should I get? A lapel mic? But then does it need to be wireless? Is this going to be pricey?
    – how about editing? Is there some open source easy to use editing software I could try?

    Many thanks!

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I’m not sure how professional of a video you are wanting to make, but I’ve had good luck with just setting the phone up on a tripod — we didn’t need a mic. (My entire experience is based on livestreaming my wedding due to COVID, but everyone could hear and see us and that was the main thing.)

    2. Anonnington*

      Yes, get a mic! For an outdoor mic + iPhone combo, you would want a good wireless mic that you can clip onto something (like a lapel mic). I don’t think those are pricey these days.

      If you want better sound quality, consider using a mic + digital interface + laptop or tablet. Or a video camera plus a better quality mic. You can rent those things, see what gear you like, and then save up to purchase anything you choose to.

      1. Making videos on an iPhone?*

        Thanks – is there a software equivalent for video?
        And are there any specific mics people would recommend? I was hoping for under $100 but I’m not seeing mics recommended at that price point.

        1. WellRed*

          I can’t recommend a specific mic but they are a bit pricy. We needed some at work and it was A Thing.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I know you didn’t ask about this specifically, but please film in landscape and not portrait mode.

      For editing, you can actually use iMovie on the iPhone itself to edit the videos.

  66. Anon for this*

    TW: mental health
    My adult daughter (mid-20’s) has suffered from some level of anxiety disorder since childhood. She did therapy for awhile, no meds, and seemed to be managing well for the last several years, though she had some trouble with panic attacks during college. The last week or so she’s been really struggling, calling us late at night, needing to check in multiple times a day, having vivid nightmares and strange thoughts. We have a significant family history of anxiety issue, and I’ve been on meds for PTSD/anxiety/depression most of my adult life. I have no idea how to help her without it triggering my own anxiety, which was already worsened by the pandemic and some other health issues. After I get off the phone with her, I’m anxious for hours. She’s put in a request for a therapist and potential medication consult through insurance but I don’t know how long that will take. Her husband is away for work, and she doesn’t have a close group of friends. I’m not worried about suicidal tendencies as that’s never been an issue for her, but I guess my questions are a) how can I help her without falling apart myself and b) are there any other steps I can take to be supportive for her?

    1. Koala dreams*

      You can help by setting boundaries about what you can or can’t talk about, and when it’s okay for her to call you. Maybe you can’t be the person she vents about her anxiety and nightmares to, but you can be the person who she talks about cute dogs she has seen outside, or talk about homework or ask for cooking advice or whatever. When I talk with family, I find it helpful to agree that every person is responsible for their own worries. Maybe it doesn’t take away the worries, but somehow it helps to put them into perspective. Also, it might help to tell her generally when you are available (Saturday at 1 pm? Evenings between 7 and 9?), and then switch off the phone at night.

      There are also other kinds of help that doesn’t require talking on the phone. Finding phone numbers or other contact information for health care providers, sending postcards or letters or care packages, giving food now and then. You can offer a few things and ask your daughter what kind of support she would prefer.

      There are also support groups for caregivers and family of people who are ill, maybe you would find a group like that helpful.

    2. Stephanie*

      I’m so sorry. We went through some similar stuff with our daughter recently. She’s 21, and a senior in college. She was calling in tears over the smallest little things, several times a week. She was in therapy at the time, but very resistant to the idea of medication. She was calling me, personally, most often, and it triggered my anxiety–I would call my husband in near tears after getting off the phone with my daughter. It was a mess.
      We decided that it was best if she called my husband instead of me when she was melting down. He’s much better at talking her down than I am, and that did help, a little tiny bit, in the short term. And if she did call me, I would gently remind her that she should call her dad instead. (It helps that she knows he’s generally calmer than I am, and that they have a comfortable relationship and she can talk to him.) In the meantime, we pushed and pushed her to take steps to get on medication. She finally did, shortly before all of the Covid lockdowns happened, and right before she moved back in full time with us. The meds have been a godsend. She has been much more “herself”, even with all of the Covid weirdness.
      Can your spouse take on the role of talking her down, even just sometimes? Is your daughter working, or does she have a hobby she can focus on? It’s a total cliche, but yoga has been super helpful for me lately. The focused, sustained breathing is amazingly soothing. Would she be willing to try some bedtime yoga? (Yoga with Adriene is great–she has tons of videos.)

    3. Not So NewReader*

      No magic buttons here but I am a big fan of watching what I am eating. When my father passed I started having attacks where I would just lock up in the middle of the grocery store.

      It took years of reading but I finally found that this was a known symptom. Women can be especially prone to having major attacks in grocery stores. Well, at least I wasn’t alone.

      The panics came with vertigo. It has been 25 years of looking for things to help myself. I eliminated dairy and sugar that was a huge help and that held for quite a while. I also go rid of all fake sugars, and I would recommend this as step number one because it was that big an improvement. In the last ten years the attacks started creeping back in. At that point, I eliminated gluten. OMG, do I feel better. Just wow.

      And in the last few years I have become more and more aware of how dehydration messes up the thinking. One small thing I highly recommend is that the two of you sip on water together as you talk on the phone. It’s a small thing and it sounds unhelpful, I understand this. Give it a try and see what you think.

    4. Anon for this*

      This is all so helpful, thank you! And the reminder to sip some water while we are on the phone is so great – I wouldn’t have thought of it, and it’s such a simple thing to slow down the conversation and keep us both grounded.
      I love yoga with Adriene and just recommended that to her :) My husband also stepped in and said he’ll take charge of some of the calls, which is great since he’s quite a bit calmer and they have a nice relationship. My own therapist told me that I need to set more boundaries with my kids, especially since they are all adults. It also helps to know I’m not alone in this, so thank you for sharing your stories.

    5. Washi*

      As a late 20s person with anxiety who is not a parent, the main thing that strikes me is that you’re really doing a lot for someone who is living independently (I assume) and married.

      It must be so, so hard to watch your child go through something like this. I can’t imagine. But you can’t fix it for her. You could take her calls 24/7 and personally hunt down a therapist and make some devoted friends from scratch like Dr. Frankenstein. But it would not fix it. No one could fix my anxiety for me, and honestly, the best thing my loved ones did, besides regularly telling me they loved me and I deserved to feel better, was set boundaries, because I couldn’t always think straight enough to set them for myself.

      It was not good for me to treat my anxiety with reassurance from others. Talking ABOUT the anxiety was great and it was important that I could be honest with my closest people, but just dumping anxiety on others was not good for anyone. What boundaries might look like depends on your daughter’s situation, but it might be something like agreeing you will chat for a bit at 7 pm each evening, and not doing other calls during the day. You can ask her what coping mechanisms she is using, what IS going right, what she IS doing well. Reinforce that she is a capable adult, don’t reinforce that she needs you to calm down.

      You might find the work of Kathleen Smith helpful – I don’t normally subscribe to newsletters, but hers is awesome! (If you google “kathleen smith anxiety” her website should be the first thing.) She’s great at thinking about boundaries and how they can be good for everyone.

      1. Anon for this*

        “Reinforce that she is a capable adult, don’t reinforce that she needs you to calm down”. This hits at the crux of the problem- my problem, more specifically. I do believe she’s a capable adult, and she lives a relatively independent life. But we are a close family and I wonder sometimes if that’s made it harder for her to seek support elsewhere. I hadn’t really thought of it as doing her a disservice by being 100% available to her calls, but I can see how it might reinforce that talking to me is the easiest way to get quick relief – but it doesn’t help long term.

    6. Natalie*

      You said she’s calling “us” late at night – can the other half of the Us take these calls for now?

    7. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Could you find some helpline numbers for her to call instead? These are often free – sorry not to make suggestions but I’m in the wrong country to know what.

    8. A Social Worker*

      It is great that you are supportive and there for her, and it can also help for her to find other ways to cope with the anxiety.

      Some great resources:
      nowmattersnow.org – different coping strategies
      1800-273-TALK
      halfofus.org – articles about anxiety and different coping strategies

    9. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Maybe get her a membership for one of those online therapy sites? I haven’t used them, just looked at them. They can be a bit pricey, but if she has someone she can text 24/7 that’s a professional, maybe it will take some of the weight off you?

  67. Anonydoglover*

    How do you learn to be ok with your sister making bad decision after bad decision? I know there comes a point where you just have to realize there’s nothing you can do- but how do you get there? My sister hurt me deeply today and I don’t know how to get over it (it doesn’t affect me personally but it’s literally a mistake she made a year ago). I know I need therapy but I took a substantial pay cut and couldn’t afford it even before that.

    1. Birdie*

      Sorry to hear this. I had to distance myself from my sister for similar reasons. My other sister stayed close to her, though, but there is a cost to that that I can’t accept for myself. Different personalities, I think. My sisters would fight and make up far too often for my taste, but it works for them, as distance works for me.

      1. Anonydoglover*

        Yes that’s us too- we have never seen eye to eye, but we both matured and started building a relationship (or so I thought). I wish I could distance myself, but she has a 2.5 year old daughter who I love to pieces. So I’m stuck.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You may get some relief in looking at YouTube videos on various behaviors. Or maybe Captain Awkward or Carolyn Hax. Since it’s an on-going problem with sis you may need to have an on-going source to go back to.

      Do NOT allow yourself to become injured in the process of protecting the kiddo. If you are injured or worse, you cannot help the child. If you think you might become injured it might be time to call CPS, police, whatever.

      It might be a good idea to understand that you will never be okay with your sis’ bad decisions. It sounds exhausting trying to convince yourself you can be okay with it.

      I think you get to the point of realizing there is nothing you can do by looking at the number of hurts and letting yourself learn from those hurts. This person is not who you wish they were. I am so sorry, because this is like losing a person minus a funeral. It’s that big a deal. Perhaps grief books will help some what- learning the stages of grief, the reasons we grieve and so on.

    3. LGC*

      I like this because you actually answered your own question! Your sister’s mistake doesn’t affect you personally. As a result, you have the luxury of being able to not worry over it without consequences. (Not that you’re wrong for being upset over it! It’s just that you, personally, won’t feel the consequences of her mistake, so you can put it as a lower priority.)

      It’s a tactic I’ve had to learn…mostly at work, but now IRL as well. Sometimes, I have to reframe other peoples’ bad decisions as…their bad decisions, and consequences that they’ll face and not me. Which is tough if you care about others, but sometimes necessary.

      (Although…I suspect that if you’re this upset over it, this mistake does affect you personally on at least some level! In that case, what can you control, since she doesn’t seem like she’s open to making any changes?)

    4. Batgirl*

      There must be something in it for her that you can’t see or understand. Even if it’s nothing more than the learning experience.

    5. Anonymous at a University*

      It’s hard! My sister is stuck in a bad place- unemployed for years, a single mother of two kids, with exes who don’t pay child support- through a combination of things that aren’t her fault (depression, anxiety, a visual disability that means she can’t drive) and things that are her fault (spending a ton of money she doesn’t have and thus going into debt, refusing to do what she needs to do to pursue child support because that wouldn’t be “nice,” alienating a bunch of former friends and close family because of her stupid racism and homophobia.) She lives in a house that used to be my parents’ rental property, so she and the kids have shelter, and she gets financial support from several older relatives.

      I’ve already told those relatives that I will not be supporting my sister and her kids when they pass on, and that I won’t be moving back to her deeply rural area where it would be impossible for me to get a job in my field to care for her or the kids. either. They’ve tried to tell me that I should, but my sister’s been 1) personally prejudiced against me, 2) encouraged her kids to do things like punch me in the stomach and break my work computer, and 3) coddled by these relatives in ways I was not, despite having the same visual disability and mental illnesses. (I was told I should “suck it up and get over it,” while my sister has “real problems.”) I’ve found it easier to let it go since I drew boundaries. No matter what, I am not moving back to that area and not sending her money she would just blow. The loss of what used to be a close relationship still hurts, but knowing I won’t have to engage with her in the future is worth it.

  68. PhyllisB*

    Update on the new car: I got it Thursday!! (Yay!!) I was not able to get a CD player; they don’t even offer them as optional equipment now so will just be using Sirus XM. Just hate that all my CD’s will not get any more use As far as the trade-in question, they actually offered me more than I was expecting considering the damage on the bumper, but in the end I decided to let my daughter have it. She needs a car for personal use (has a company car but can’t use for vacations and such.) She could not buy a car for what my trade-in was and I know this one is in tip-top shape so win-win.
    Thanks to everyone who offered advice.

    1. Cruciatus*

      You can add a CD player. You could pay to have it installed or if you already have an old portable CD player you could play it over the car’s system by finding the right jack to connect from the player to the car (you probably have that jack somewhere in the car). It’s a little ugly, but it would work. I do not look forward to car shopping in the future as I love my CD player and use it daily and do not like that this is apparently obsolete technology. Tell that to my hundreds of CDs!

      2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Unfortunately, using a portable CD player didn’t work for me when I tried it. Unless the roads are glass smooth where you live, it will skip too much. I really hate that society has decided that CDs are obsolete. I own more than 700 of them and doing Spotify or whatever is not the same.

    2. nep*

      Congrats on getting the new car.
      I know you didn’t ask for advice re the CDs, but you could put the music on an mp3 player and plug that in (if there’s an aux port in the car).

  69. tangerineRose*

    My backyard is kind of lumpy, bumpy. There are small holes and then bumps. I’ve been googling how to fix this and found ads for a power grader and also found the below instructions. The below seems at least doable. Have you fixed a lawn like this and if so, what do you recommend?

    Mow the lawn at the lowest setting possible;
    De-thatch the lawn with a garden rake or de-thatcher;
    In a wheelbarrow, mix up a batch of leveling mix. …
    Apply scoops of soil mix to low areas of the lawn using a shovel;
    Rake the topdressing to spread it out evenly.

    1. Cruciatus*

      You will have to please let me know if this works. I will be following this thread. My front yard is so. damn. bumpy. Doesn’t matter which way I mow it, my hands always feel like they are “vibrating” at the end of mowing it. Back lawn is mostly fine. I looked it up online once and the answers ranged from “All you have to do is…” to “this will take major professional work”. Yikes! I thought about just filling in the bumps with dirt and grass seed. My yard would be really ugly for a while but I haven’t pulled the trigger on trying yet because my online searches seemed to suggest that might be pointless.

      1. Merci Dee*

        We had a similar yard problem when I was a kid. I think my dad got several bags of sand and filled in the worst of the holes. Grass eventually grew over the sand, if I remember correctly.

      2. Enough*

        We have generally done dirt and seed. From prior projects we had a pile of dirt that we could use. But it helps to get a bag or two of top soil to mix in with the regular dirt.

    2. Sunset Maple*

      Ours is like this because of the tree roots coming up (we live on a steep hill with poor soil, so the trees are always desperately thirsty). Fixing it is never permanent, because the roots keep growing.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yeah, you really need to know the cause before you go after a solution. Could be rocky soil, tree roots, moles.

        Our neighbors have a terribly pitted/lumpy yard because they are overrun with chipmunks & other critters digging holes & filling them in. There’s no point regrading unless they eradicate the wildlife.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So I am a cheap person. I must do things as inexpensively as possible.

      I moved here not realizing we had clay soil. I dunno if the yard was never rolled before it was seeded or what the problem was, but I had “holes” that were real ankle turners. Clay has it’s own full set of problems, so I assume the clay just shifted around and made a mess.

      At first I filled in the holes by using sod that was left over from new garden beds. I carefully pieced the sod in place like a jig saw puzzle and kept it watered. I did this for many years and it seemed to really help with the worst holes.

      Long story short my front yard got fixed by a pro with 88 ton of top soil (4 big trucks). So that leaves my backyard. I started a compost years ago. Well this compost is a huge pile of black gold now. So I am working on taking the compost and using it as fill in the backyard. I really recommend this if you don’t mind the time it takes.

      I used to work in a nursery and I do know that nursery people argue among themselves so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

      Mow the lawn at the lowest setting: I don’t get the thinking behind that one. Maybe it is so you can see the problem areas better? I would skip this step because your whole lawn could end up scorched by the sun/heat.

      Dethatching: This is brutal work. I finally sold my dethatching rake. I am never going to dethatch anything again in my life. Whatever thatch is there will decompose under the top dressing you put on it. I never worried about thatch.

      Wheelbarrow with leveling mix. I am not sure what you are mixing together. Here we have places that offer top soil at $20 a yard (meaning cubic yard). If you can find one of these places maybe they will let you come pick up a modest amount. You might need a pick up truck to carry it or maybe they would let you load up buckets. It might feel like the slow painful way to do this but it will be cheap.

      Scoop it into the low areas and rake out. If you wish, you can get some grass seed for it. But this time of year grass seed is a marriage commitment with your watering hose. I have put seed down during this time frame and I used a sprinkler so I could go do other things. I set a timer and move the sprinkler every 20 minutes or so. If you have a water ban on because of drought I would just wait until cooler weather and the ban is lifted before I put the seed down. (Seed is spendy; back to *I* am cheap.)

      Words of encouragement: For the first few years we were here, I made it my mission to fill some of the worst holes each year. On the first year of this project we got a good amount of relief from bumpy mowing and turned ankles. I just kept filling holes each year for a while. The difference was amazing. Since my husband did the mowing he knew where the worst holes were, so he picked the spots to fill. I filled them.

  70. Merci Dee*

    We had a similar yard problem when I was a kid. I think my dad got several bags of sand and filled in the worst of the holes. Grass eventually grew over the sand, if I remember correctly.

  71. Anonnington*

    Interesting times here in NYC. I just went for a walk with the constant sound of explosions in the background. It wasn’t anywhere near dark yet. But people are going crazy with the fireworks.

    I hired a dog walker for the first time ever. It was great. I really needed a day to rest.

    I’m letting my gray hair grow out a bit, skipping the dye. I’m feeling that kind of vibe.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      Letting my gray grow out too. Not sure if I’ll go back to dye later, but the gray is actually nice and shiny. Unfortunately, the rest of my hair was dyed dark brown. I’ve been using temporary brush-in dye to blend the colors when I’m on Zoom calls. Not sure I can get any more of the brush-in dye when I run out, but I’ll worry about that later. It doesn’t take much because I only brush the dye around my face and top of my head. I hope my grown out gray is long enough to get a haircut before I run out of the dye.

      People will believe the craziest things. There’s a rumor in my neighborhood that the government is using the fireworks to cause sleep deprivation so the population is easier to control. I’m not sure if the person spreading the rumor believes it or not.

          1. Anonnington*

            Yeah, I’ve been noticing how more people are flaunting conspiracy theories on social media in order to look hip and edgy. It’s sad. We keep getting more image-oriented while avoiding substantive conversations.

    2. tangerineRose*

      I am so sick of fireworks. I mean, I like the pretty kind that experts do for a city or something like that, but I get tired of hearing random explosions in my neighborhood from 10 pm to midnight. Part of the problem is the noise. Most of the problem is that I have no idea if the people who are setting off the fireworks actually know what they’re doing and are being careful, so it’s hard to try to sleep.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      The increase in fireworks is a thing right now in urban areas across the whole country. Same thing here in California. Shooting off fireworks is widespread enough that it’s making national news online, with speculation about why it’s happening everywhere. The fireworks are freaking out a lot of pets and I imagine that’s the same effect for wildlife.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Definitely, and pets. But I’m in some neighborhood local groups on FB and if you bring up PTSD or pets, they just laugh at you and call you snowflakes. It’s really gross.

      2. WoodswomanWrites*

        Since I posted my reply yesterday afternoon, a local fire was started last night. We had dangerous conditions of dry weather and high winds, and fireworks sparked in a field. Fortunately firefighters went all out and were able to stop it with the burn confined just to the field. The fire was right next to a neighborhood of houses and businesses and if they hadn’t gotten to it as quickly as they did, this would have been really bad.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Fireworks have been going off in my neighborhood every night since May. The noise is terrifying and I’m worried that the fireworks will hurt someone or destroy people’s homes (3 years ago families were left homeless after fireworks burned their homes down).

      I called 311 but they said to call 911 so I dropped it. I read about it in my FB local groups and the people complaining about them are berated for finding this troublesome (not to mention comments about this being traumatizing or triggering for anyone are laughed out).

    5. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I don’t get people. My understanding is that the firecrackers thing is happening because people are bored and need something to do. But there are so many things people can do to combat boredom rather than set off explosives and terrorize other people and pets. I try not to judge people and live and let live (or live and let die, in this case), but the two types of people in this world I can’t stand are smokers and people who set off firecrackers.

      1. Observer*

        What makes it worse is that’s done at night – and not at 9:00pm. but going to midnight and well past that in many areas.

    6. nep*

      People are going nuts with fireworks where I live too.
      Fireworks are the devil. I will be so happy once we’re a week or so past the 4th. It’s just too ugly and ridiculous for words.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        The ones in my neighborhood have been going on since May. I doubt the holiday will stop them sadly. It’s never been this bad before.

    7. Anonnington*

      I don’t mind the fireworks. At least people are getting out and doing something.

      It’s not good for wildlife, though. And it is a fire hazard. We’re going to see more accidental fires and injuries, the longer this goes on.

      But it’s a symptom of where we are right now. People need to blow off steam.

      1. nep*

        (It’s every year here, so while that might be part of the reason, people do it every year around this time. To each his/her/their own. Keeping my noise-canceling headphones handy.)

  72. music scores*

    I’ve been part of a choir for a number of years and have accumulated a large-ish number of scores for all the songs we have sung. I was saving them but we never repeated songs from one semester to another, and even if we did, we probably would get new copies since the composition of the choir changes (and well now who knows if there will ever be a choir again). I sing on my own but choir parts are not ideal for alone singing. I am thinking of ditching the scores to free up some space. Is this a horrible thought?

    1. Alex*

      Why would that be a horrible thought? If you don’t need them and don’t use them….why would you need to keep them?

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      Are your copies licensed to your choir or not? If they’re licensed, ask your choir director if they need them back. Otherwise trash them. If I kept every copy of every choir piece I’d ever sung I’d be drowning in the stuff. You can always save something if it’s particularly sentimental to you, but otherwise, throw them right out. The only other thing I can think of is to ask around if you have any friends who are into crafting, because music scores can be popular among artists who do paper crafts.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yes, paper crafts! Music looks great decoupaged onto little storage boxes, even wallpapered onto a little accent wall, cut into triangles and strung into bunting, etc. — some friends of mine have a big front door wreath made of sheet music folded and coiled into leaves/petals and it’s lovely.

    4. PollyQ*

      Not horrible! I bet many school choirs would accept donations, since they often lend scores to students rather than have the students buy them.

  73. Purt’s Peas*

    I’m at the very beginning of looking to buy a house or condo and have no experience other than watching HGTV—does anyone have recommendations for first-time homebuyer books?

    I’m particularly interested in advice & books about judging what you can afford. I’d really like to have a strong picture on that front before even talking to my credit union. Of course if you have advice on figuring that out and no book recommendations I’d love to hear that as well :)

    Thank you!

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I don’t have any specific books to recommend, but we just made an offer on a house! What helped me a lot was spending a lot of time on Zillow and really getting an idea fo what was in my area and what kind of prices to expect. They have a calculator where you can plug in the cost of the house and see what the monthly cost would be, based on the down payment, interest rate, taxes, and home insurance. It’s really handy!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      No book recs, but I’ve found asking friends who’ve bought for realtor recommendations to be helpful. If you have a good realtor, she/he/they/etc. can guide you through the process.

    3. BRR*

      I found home buying for dummies talked a lot about finances. I also looked a several mortgage calculators.

    4. higheredrefugee*

      Suze Orman has some sections on this in some of her books and on her website, which also helps you think out how this purchase fits with your entire financial health.

    5. Gaia*

      For cost, the general guidance is that your housing costs should be no more than 30% of your gross monthly income. Personally, I feel like that is high. My housing is currently 24% and I don’t think I’d want it above that.

      I suggest writing out a budget and including a line for saving for maintenance. There will be expenses and you will want to count this as a mandatory budget item so you’re not caught unaware. After all your non-house expenses and savings are accounted for, the remaining amount is what you can afford. Stay below that.

      1. VI Guy*

        The manageable % of income really depends on the rest of one’s income. Mine is probably at least 50% (includes utilities and other costs), but I have no debt and chose to live centrally as I don’t have a vehicle. Many people spend a lot on their car, whereas I spend more on a mortgage.

        Note that my minimum mortgage payments are less than that, as the bank would never approve me for 50%. But I did get the max they would allow and have no regrets.

    6. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      By far, the most helpful book for me was 100 Queations Every First Time Home Buyet Should Ask by Ilyce Glink. Good luck!

    7. Sam Foster*

      See if your community has a first-time homebuyer’s program. It’s usually a few hours in the evening or on the weekend where they introduce you to all kinds of ideas like Debt-To-Income Ration, why you might need PMI, how to select a realtor, etc. etc. etc. Highly recommend and in some places it may qualify you for various programs like low-down-payment.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Use an online calculator to figure out how much house you can afford. Do not take the advice of the lender and run with it. Find the numbers on your own.

      For payment amount I used the amount of rent we were paying at that time.
      For interest rate, I used a high rate so that I was erring on the side of caution.
      And I figured on a 30 year loan so the loan time was 30 years times 12 months/year.

      Then I hit solve for loan amount. This number was about 33% lower than what the lender said we would be okay with. TG! I did this. It saved our butts. It turned out that for the first 6 months we were here we could not even stop and get a cuppa coffee. We needed every single dollar to pay the bills. At the 6 month point one of us got a raise and a couple months later the other one of us got a raise. We exhaled.

  74. Gaia*

    I have a friend that is a caregiver for her mother. We’ll call her Eleanor. Eleanor’s mother has multiple chronic health issues including COPD. They live in an area that is not taking COVID seriously and, as such, has increasing rates. While everything was closed, Eleanor did a pretty good job of socially distancing and wearing a mask. But now that they’ve started to reopen, she’s completely given up.

    She has been at bars 5 of the last 7 nights with no mask and nowhere near 6 feet away. She justifies it because she’s “following the rules” (she isn’t).

    I find myself increasingly angry at her for this behavior. She is directly risking her mother’s life and seems to not care at all. I know part of this is me projecting because my family also lives in an area with increasing cases and they are high risk. I can’t safely go there to “protect” them, so I’m angry that she can do more to keep her mom safe and she isn’t.

    How are you all dealing with this? We’ve been friends for 20 years and I’m at the point that I don’t even want to talk to her now.

    1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Would you like to keep being friends with her? Do you think you can be friends with the person she is now, or are you grieving the person she was? Can you go forward without convincing her she’s wrong?

      People can make extremely irrational decisions. What she’s doing isn’t ok, obviously, but my goodness it must be difficult and stressful being a caregiver, especially if she’s a solo one.

      If you want to save a friendship with who she is now, you could listen to her. Ask her how it’s been caring for her mother, how it’s been, how she feels. If she worries about her getting covid. Tell her that you worry about your family. Resist the urge to lecture her – pretty much nobody changes their behaviour if they feel attacked and defensive.

      Or just ask her to stop telling you about it.

      If you want to convince her she’s wrong or make her turn back into who you thought she was, then you can’t do that, and it might be more about setting boundaries and deciding that you’ll draw a line on the friendship.

      I know it’s hard, but try to remember that while it’s hard being away from your family, it’s also hard caring for someone who’s ill. And that there isn’t a perfect solution here – this is who she is right now.

    2. StellaBella*

      You can only control your own actions, though you can express to her that you are concerned about the impact her choices may have on her mom’s health, her own health, etc. I think you can kindly and with empathy say something about it, “I have been watching the case numbers go up, so it is still spreading, and I am genuinely concerned. For me, I won’t be going out or risking it, and I am concerned that your going out – esp to bars, may endanger you and your mom.” Also – search for the news article about how bars are one of the main places the virus is gaining more of a foothold in terms of spread. (Enclosed spaces, uninhibited people, close talking, long time duration of stay). Good luck.

    3. Ducksgoquack*

      Damn, I can see why that would annoy the hell out of you. I just don’t understand people who don’t understand covid. Argh.

      What have you said to her about this already? If you have already told her how you feel about this and she doesn’t take heed, I don’t think there is a magical script you can use that will force Eleanor to see the error of her ways.

      The sad, cold reality is that people will die due to the recklessness of others. For your own mental health I support you in staying away from Eleanor. Actually, if she’s not social distancing maybe you *should* stay away.

    4. Mx*

      I understand your feelings as I have a friend behaving like this. Her husband is at high risk but she went to hairdresser and beauty therapist before it became allowed ( this was made by professionals working illegally from their homes.)
      I felt angry with her, and even told her about it. We nearly argued and didn’t talk to each other for 2 weeks.
      But it’s their life (the husband didn’t really care neither). If I had to stop being friends with each person who behaves in ways I disagree, I would become quite lonely. I try to learn to accept people as they are and to not have expectations.

      Do you love your friend ? Is there any positive things in your relationship ? If the answer is yes, give yourself a couple of weeks to cool off, and see how your feel once the anger is gone.

      But if there isn’t any (or not enough) positive in your relationship, if you don’t benefit from this relationship in any way, it may be time to let go of her, regardless of her behaviour.

    5. Washi*

      Is she someone who would normally be at the bar 5 nights a week? That alone sounds pretty unusual, even in my early 20s, none of my friends who partied would go out quite that much.

      Like the others said, I think you can take a break with a clear conscience. But I wonder if it also might help to see this as her acting out some deep pain and anxiety. When I see friends doing uncharacteristically risky or inconsiderate things, I try to think about how much they must be hurting and about what feelings they’re probably trying to numb or chase away. You’re right, it sounds like she has given up, and that is very sad.

      If she was once distancing and wearing masks, then she knows what she’s doing now is risky, and repeated warnings probably won’t do much. I think you just have to know yourself – if you just can’t seem to get through a conversation without getting ticked off (fair!) then maybe take a break. If you can accept her risky behavior as a given and can proceed with empathy, I think there is space to ask her about what it’s been like, how hard it must have been, how she is coping. You can share that you are sad and scared for her family members, and how you are coping.

      I wouldn’t go into it hoping for this…but weirdly I’ve found that the more vulnerable I am and the less I judge other people for their choices, the more likely they are to admit that they know they’re doing something wrong.

    6. LGC*

      First of all – I’m so sorry for both your friend’s mom AND for your family. I can’t tell you how things will go, but I’m really scared on behalf of you guys.

      So, you have a couple of options:

      1) …don’t talk to her. Be honest – say that you can’t deal with her going out every night and putting her mom at grave risk, and that you need a break. I’d say it’d do damage to the friendship, but it seems like there’s already a lot of damage done.

      1a) Or at the very least, don’t look at her social media if that’s where you’re getting most of the “lol drinking in a bar with my besties!” stuff from. I ended up getting it from the other end – people were yelling the latest terrifying COVID numbers into the void constantly and telling the void what failures the people of New Jersey were and I just had to…shut it off for my sanity. I didn’t say much about it, I just quietly unfollowed. My mental health improved significantly (well, at least it went to “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE” instead of “OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE AND IT’S ALL PERSONALLY MY FAULT“).

      Or…

      2) This is the hard one, but…talk to her about what she’s going through, and how she’s feeling about COVID.

      Admittedly, that is a lot of work to take on, especially when you’re dealing with the fear of not being able to protect your own family. But…I feel like it’s a bit like not wearing a seatbelt, or even drunk driving. I doubt most people who do those things would say they don’t care about their own safety or the safety of others (or that they even really don’t care deep down) – it’s that they’re not judging the risk accurately. (Like, drunk drivers will be convinced that they’re safe to drive, especially if they’ve gotten away with it before. Ask me how I know!)

      In the end, the tree (or the car with a family) doesn’t care about what your intentions were when you recklessly ram into it, of course. The effects are the same. But it helps a bit with forgiveness if you can reframe their actions as recklessness instead of malice.

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      Yanks a saying off of one of those Hobby Lobby wall clings…

      Let Go, and Let God…. or whatever reminder you can remember that we can’t change people by our own desires. If we could, there would be no addicts, no people doing stupid behaviors because their loved ones could stop it.

      And remember, people have free will, but what people forget is they are also responsible for those choices. Some people never moved beyond 3rd grade impulse control, and now they’re 45. The whining, crying, “the unfairness of it all” . It’s what your friend is doing now. Adulting blows and I want some fun. Being in the milk line is no fun, so I will run around in the cafeteria. Motivations are the same. It’s all about that person’s wants and desires not being met, and not seeing a bigger picture with other’s included.

      My social media has been a dumpster fire from my friends/relatives in Texas, Arizona, and Florida bellowing “fake news” about COVID-19. All these people have college degrees, so I guess they have critical thinking skills. Sigh.

      Now some of them have family members in the ICU, and those relatives most likely will be leaving to a funeral home.

      What I do, is say to myself, “I love you enough to keep my mouth shut.” I have three relatives who try my patience not to tear them a new one. If there is a moment, I can gently suggest “You should do a, b and c.” I’ll do it. When they post they went to a bar circa February 2020 style, I say oh, or nothing.

      If this friendship has been on the ropes for a while, then let it fade away. If it’s solid, and her actions now (party like it’s 1999), are the only thing driving you insane, treat her like anyone else who has self destructive behaviors. My Texas relatives bait me every day with their flat Earth, fake news nonsense. I don’t respond.

      It’s hard watching people break dance at the edge of a cliff. Hang in there!

    9. ...*

      Is her mother aware of it? That would be the kicker for me I think. If you don’t feel like talking to her you don’t have to.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe Eleanor has given up because she sees everyone around her has given up. Not saying that is right but that could be what is happening.

      Any clue how mom feels about all this? Maybe mom doesn’t care/isn’t worried. I have older friends who are saying- it is what it is. They know their time is limited anyway and they tend to go philosophical about it all.

      Not the question you asked but is this normal for Eleanor to be at bars 5 out of 7 nights a week??? I am wondering how she is taking care of mom remotely from the bar. I wouldn’t be able to go to work the next day. I am also wondering if she is exaggerating the number of nights. Have you seen other changes in Eleanor?

      Some problems are too big for us to fix alone. I can’t help but wonder if there are several problems running at the same time here, which would mean you are even less likely to fix this. It sounds like Eleanor is plenty busy, can you just let the relationship slide for a while and see what happens?

      I can go the other way on this one, too. There have been times where a person just makes me feel angry about what they are doing and saying. I tend to believe that is an indicator that I have lost respect for this person. In fairness to the person, I need to step back from the relationship. Maybe even permanently step back depending on the circumstances and the nature of my upset.

      Good relationships bring out the best in each party. I have seen friendships where both people grow and thrive because of the friendships.
      Bad relationships are lost time that could have been spent in a more uplifting environment. That is, bad relationships become an energy sink. They are a black hole in which we throw lots of energy and get nothing back.

    11. Dancing Otter*

      I’m not saying what Eleanor is doing is right, but there may be reasons that you’re not recognizing.
      Caregivers give up a LOT to take care of elderly relatives. Is Eleanor her mother’s sole caregiver? Has she had any respite since March?
      It’s vitally important that caregivers get time for themselves. Take care of yourself so that you can care for others. If she hasn’t been able to escape at all for three solid months, well …. The bar isn’t a good choice, but I totally understand her decision that she has limits to what she will give up for her mother’s benefit.

  75. Trixie*

    Wall lighting! I found a fantastic sconce at a consignment store but two questions. I’ll include photos but the sconce needs something similar to a mounting bracket to attach to the wall. I have bracket from an Ikea wall light but it’s about half inch to0 wide. I checked local hardware stores but no luck. If I could I would buy a smaller bracket from Ikea, maybe a replacement part?
    Second problem is the wiring has a metal rod about two feet long. I think it used to screw into the sconce but the rod doesn’t have threading or it’s worn down or something is missing. I don’t want to glue it together but unsure how to add or create threading in the rod. The wiring is intact and works perfectly. Worse case, I could install both the lamp and rod with brackets of some kind.

    2. Pennyworth*

      What a lovely sconce! An old school handyman-electrician would probaby be able to make you an bracket and sort out the rod. If the wiring is old it might be safer to replace it even if it still works.

      1. Red Sky*

        Seconding this. We have a couple antique lamp repair shops in our city who would have the parts and experience to fix that right up. If you don’t live somewhere that has that, you can order replacement threaded lamp pipe online, but it wont have the same patina. A metal fabricator could easily make you a bracket, but that might be more trouble than you want to go to. There’s this stuff called metal hanger strap that is basically strips of metal with holes in it that you can cut and bend, but it might look too diy.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The wiring does not look that old. You could probably get a person (more knowledgeable than me) to remove the plug and slide the rod off of the wiring entirely. My husband used to replace plugs all the time. It’s not real hard. I am thinking that the rod may not be salvageable……

      Mounting it looks a bit trickier. But a handyperson who is used to these types of questions can probably just glance at it and have one or more ideas. If you can find a wall stud, you might be able to drill two new holes in the plate and screw it onto the wall stud from the top. Again, tricky as you’d have to watch out for the wire and still hit the stud. And you’d also want to try to find screws with heads that made sense with the sconce.

    4. Trixie*

      As suggested, I’m going to check with a couple local lamp repairs shops. I also see the name of the lamp and may try contacting them as well. Thanks everyone!

  76. Squeakrad*

    Another Kevin Wilson fan! I met him years ago at the Sewanee Writers Conference And he is as nice a person as he is a great writer. He has an amazing ability to write about people who are somewhat down and out, or have a lot of challenges in life, illuminating their successes but showing great empathy for their failures.

  77. Aphrodite*

    For those of you, particularly women, who have stopped dying their hair and let it go gray (either out of preference or because of COVID), did you feel it made you look older? Did you add any sort of highlighter to it to make it more silver or white? I am in my late sixties but look about 15 years younger (I’ve been told repeatedly). Though my hairdresser helped me continue to dye treatment without interruption–while we both took a lot of precautions–the news about the increasing numbers today and yesterday have made me nervous. But while I think some women look far sexier with gray hair I am not sure if I would be more that way or just older.

    Thoughts?

    1. StellaBella*

      I would say…. go look at the hair photos on BoredPanda dot com, in an article entitled, “Instead Of Covering Grey Roots, This Hairdresser Makes Clients Embrace It With His Powerful Transformations” – the photos are STUNNING. When I start to go grey I may consider this. I have shared it with a lot of friends.

    2. Buni*

      I love those photos and if I woke up tomorrow and my hair was just – boom – totally grey, I would leave it; but the half ‘n’ half drives me nuts. It’s not the colour, it’s the completely different texture that stands out on me.

    3. Parenthetically*

      My mother is your age and recently stopped dyeing her hair. She genuinely looks YOUNGER without the dye. She looks fantastic and loves not having the fuss of keeping up with covering grey roots.

    4. Sunset Maple*

      It depends on the pattern of how you gray. Women with Stacy London/Rogue streaks look amazing. I have silver feathered temples like Paulie from the Sopranos. Not cute on a woman.

      Also depends on your coloring. Olive-skinned and darker women look striking with silver. I am translucent with yellow undertones, and would look like the ghost of a Simpsons character if fully gray. I need color to warm up my appearance.

    5. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Ooh I haven’t had my hair done in 4 mo, so watching the gray come in. I may…like it? A friend’s hairdresser told her to keep the eyebrows dark, and yep, that helps.

    6. KoiFeeder*

      My mom’s stopped dying her hair, and I don’t really find that it makes her look older at all.

      And even without the hair dye, people keep thinking we’re sisters instead of her being my mother, so.

    7. Bluebell*

      I stopped getting my hair colored this time last year. It’s now grey down to my ears and a medium brown past that. I mostly keep it it a hairband, and feel pretty good about it. I still don’t want to risk a haircut, even though I am in New England.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I’ve been wanting my hair to go silver for a couple of years now. I have streaks on top & around my face, but the rest is just getting drabber & drabber ash brown.

      I use purple shampoo to cool my grown-out highlights – the kind that’s labeled for “blonde & silver hair.” It blends the highlights into the ash tones pretty well.

      I’m planning to get some gray & silver Overtone soon, just have to get up my nerve.

    9. No Name for this*

      As you get older, you eventually reach a point where you are not fooling anyone if you have zero grey in your hair. I think it looks better to get an appropriate hairstyle and embrace the grey.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      My friend stopped dying her hair and she looks so much better. Her hair matches her face more.

      My hair has just been getting whiter and whiter. I put chamomile oil in my hair wash. I don’t use it during the summer because the sun turns the white to a soft blond. But in the winter, I use the chamomile mix every other time I wash my hair. I just don’t want the neon white, at least not right now when there is still some color left. I put maybe 14 drops into a 7 oz bottle so one bottle of oil lasts forever. I guess some people use Camille tea? I have also heard of people rinsing with coffee, to get back more brown.

      One thing that jumps out at me is that people look better with dyed hair IF they use make up routinely. It seems to add consistency or balance to their look.

      But for the most part, I am a fan of less work. And I don’t think the dyes are that healthy for me. So whatever I can do with home remedy type stuff will be my go-to. I had an aunt who went with the white hair and a stylish hair cut for short-short hair. She looked great. She looked like someone’s Very Cool Grandma. She got compliments all the time.

    11. Aphrodite*

      I’m going to do it!

      Tomorrow I will call my hairdresser and tell her I want to stop coloring when I come in next Saturday for a coloring. She may use something to strip the color out–it is dark–and it will be a long growth period but, you know I am READY. I love those colors in the article, StellaBella. Originally, my hair was blue black, which I loved. But as I have gotten older, I’ve had to go lighter to a kind of medium-dark brown, and while it looks nice I don’t love it the way I did when it was blue black. Also, it appears to be definitely silverish without a yellow tone so that is probably a plus.

      Thanks to each of you for your input. I am very excited about this.

  79. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Registry etiquette question —

    A few items from my registry have been reserved for a few months now but not purchased.

    I don’t mind buying the items myself as we can certainly afford them but I’m not sure how to bring it up – just delete it off the registry? Or give them a heads up? I find it so awkward to bring up so I’m not sure.

    1. WellRed*

      I’m not sure I understand? But generally, if you put it on a registry, why are you buying it while the registry is still active? Do not try and remove from the registry anything someone may have put on hold. That will look kind of impatient and therefore rude.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        The items have been reserved for a few months now but haven’t been purchased. I’m due soon and I just want to make sure I’m not caught off guard needing something and not have it. About 9 items have been reserved. 2 we really need now but the rest we can wait on.

        I just want to know if they still intend to buy it or forgot about it. I won’t delete the items. I thought about texting one of them to ask if they still plan to buy it, but I can’t imagine saying it in a way that’s not rude or weird.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I’m 34w now so early august? But I was in hospital last week so it could be anytime now really.

            I won’t be having a shower. The host hasn’t mentioned it so I assume it’s not happening. I only shared the registry link with people who specifically asked for it.

            1. Thursday Next*

              But you do have a host of some kind, so it sounds like that person might have arranged a date. Registries have some sort of associated date, so afterward you get a discount off any unpurchased items you want to buy yourself.

              You could reach out to your host, to chat and even ask whether there’s a date you might be getting the reserved items.

              Don’t worry about having everything on your registry right away—there are some essentials, and even some of those can be purchased quickly if the baby’s schedule changes.

              1. Potatoes gonna potate*

                We had planned the baby shower but then Covid happened. I asked her in May if she still wanted to and she said let’s see. It’s July now and no word, I feel awkward af for asking so I just assume it’s no. She’s not the one who reserved the items.

                For the registry discount it’s after the estimated due date but I think it’s available now.

    2. Cat*

      They’ve probably been bought but not given to you yet because the person is hoping to do it in person or planning on mailing with a card or something. I used Babylist and stuff showed as reserved even after it had been bought. I think if you don’t buy it through the Babylist store it doesn’t show as purchased. I imagine other registries are similar. It’ll show as reserved to everyone else so you don’t need to delete it. I’d just leave it. If for some reason you never get it you can buy it later with two day shipping but it’s unlikely to come to that.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes I am using Babylist too and I just learned that the gift giver has to mark it as purchased. I didn’t know that’s how it was on the other end. Neither will be seeing me in person anytime soon (both live in different states and are cautious about traveling).

        I’m leaving it alone now that I know it’s a little trickier than I thought.

    3. Choggy*

      Does the registry have some kind of reminders that could be sent to those who put them on hold? Ideally one that would provide a way to take it off hold if they purchased a gift elsewhere or changed their mind?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        From what I saw on Babylist faQ there wasn’t but I reached out to them for support. Some of the info I saw was about 1+ year ago so it’s possible it could have changed.

  80. The Other Dawn*

    Cushionblock posted up-thread about mistreatment in a will. This has me thinking about people passing away without a will at all. Does anyone have experiences to share about that?

    My husband’s parents don’t have a will. They’re both just about 80 years old and are in relatively good health. They have the usual aches and pains, bad back, and things like that, but neither has anything like heart disease, history of strokes, etc. (that we know of). For many years we’ve been telling them they need a will. Not only because they should, but because my husband has a sister that is a bit of a mess and he knows it’s going to turn into A Huge Thing with her after they’re gone. But both of them keep saying, “The checkbook is in the desk, we want you to have the house, you know where other things are, etc.”

    We started pushing more after my dad died and my sister had to handle the estate. He had a will, but it was still a ton of work for her. We’ve tried to explain that even though my dad had a will, X happened, Y happened, it was a lot of work, and so on. They still keep saying to my husband, “You know what we want.” These days, my husband has started telling my in-laws that if they die without a will, he’s turning the whole responsibility over to Probate to deal with and he wants no part of it. According to my sister, that would be the alternative if no one is willing or able to deal with it. This still hasn’t sunk in for my in-laws. At all. We just don’t bother anymore. It’s obvious they’re not going to do anything and when they die, we’re going to be the ones dealing with the fallout.

    It would also be a mess if my FIL dies first. He’s the one that takes care of all the bills. MIL has no idea what bills they pay, how much, how much money is in the bank (hardly any, just enough to pay bills and maybe go out to eat once in awhile), where things are kept. So that means my husband–most likely me–will have to deal with that until MIL dies.

    1. nep*

      Sorry you’re facing that.
      Why do you suppose they’re so resistant to doing a will? Is it that they just don’t like engaging in that way with their mortality?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        It doesn’t seem to be about mortality at all. I mean, it could be. But looking at other areas of their lives, this seems to be a mix of laziness and “everything will be just fine.”

      2. Sam I Am*

        I’ve heard often that the reluctance to deal with our own mortality is a stumbling block in these topics.

        If there’s a lawyer you can consult who deals with estate planning, it may be worth booking a consultation with them to focus on what will happen to the survivor when the first one dies, it’s really about protecting their spouse even more than saving the next generation the hassle.

        Good luck to you, this is hard stuff.

    2. SpellingBee*

      Depending on where they live, what they want may not be what happens. Laws vary from state to state on how the estate is handled if you die without a will (called dying intestate), so maybe do a bit of research to educate them on the issues, and that may prompt them to have a will done. Or not! People are funny about wills sometimes.

      I’d be more concerned that they don’t have any other estate planning documents, such as a power of attorney and advanced health care directives. Becoming incapacitated and not having those in place can complicate things needlessly at a very stressful time.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        As far as we know, they have nothing at all in terms of any estate planning documents.

        We’re in CT.

      3. Enough*

        Definitely find out the law is for your state. In my state (PA) they have different rules depending on possible inheritors and how the assets are titled. That could include the children and even parents or siblings if there are no children. As a simplified example if I were to die without a will my husband gets the house as it’s titled as joint tenancy, my IRA and life insurance as he’s the beneficiary, and our joint bank accounts. But the bank CDs and the cars that are in my name only and would be split up among my husband and our children. He would get the first $30,000 and then half of the remainder and the children would divide up the other 50%. As bad as that could be if my husband were to die first without a will there are a number of investments in his name only that would get split with the children that could make a big difference in my life style.
        Also an outside executive/administrator of the estate would probably be entitled to payment.

    3. Blue Eagle*

      My parents were resistant to getting wills. Mostly they were resistant because they didn’t want to go through the hassle. So I made it easier for them because I knew that I would be executor. I consulted an attorney, got forms for them to fill out what they wanted (names, soc sec #s, how to split, anything else specific, etc) in their own handwriting (so there would be no question that it was what they wanted). Then took it to an attorney to draft the will. Received the draft wills, trust documents, medical power of attorney from the attorney and brought them to my parents for them to review, then drove them to the attorneys office to sign.
      Then step #2 – make sure that your husband is successor trustee on the trust, help them put all investments and life insurance survivor benefits in the name of their trust (so your husband has immediate access after their passing), help them put your husband on all their bank accounts (or put the bank accounts in the name of their individual trusts).
      Thankfully my parents listened to my pleas that they do this and I made it as easy as possible for them. You will thank yourself for doing the work in advance to help them. Ask me how I know (i.e. it was so much easier for me to take care of this after they passed {plus no probate} than it was for my friend whose parents would not take care of their affairs in advance and she had headache upon headache after they passed dealing with banks, life insurance, etc).

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I think this is what we’re going to have to do–force the issue and basically bring everything to them. My husband has told them multiple times that if they’re not going to make a will, he’s going to say “*uck it” when they pass on and let the chips fall where they may; he’s going to wash his hands of it, and if his sister wants anything, it will be on her to deal with it. And she absolutely wouldn’t be able to deal with it given her own sorry state of affairs, though she would make a huge stink that she’s not getting her “fair share,” etc. They know all this, yet they think everything will be fine and just won’t do it.

        1. WellRed*

          I think this is a bad plan because I think your husband will get stuck with it even if he says he’s not going to do it. The capable typically bear the burdens for the flaky and lazy.

    4. Thursday Next*

      Seconding Spelling Bee on the importance of other documents.

      Perhaps the next time they say, “you know what we want,” your husband can say, “okay, let’s just write it out.” And the same with advance directives. I don’t know how they’d feel about then transferring those lists to Will and proxy forms, and then going through the signing process with witnesses.

      Maybe you can talk to them about how it would be helpful for your peace of mind to have everything in the proper format, so at a difficult time you won’t have to deal with extra questions and bureaucracy?

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, gosh – please impose on them the importance of advance directives.

        “You know what we want” means squat. Without someone legally authorized to say yes or no, EMTs and hospitals have to do everything possible to save you. And “everything possible” can be violent, painful, and horrifying on an elderly frail person.

        They can get 2 doctors and next of kin to “pull the plug” if you’re never coming back, but they have to stabilize you first.

        I’ve seen that happen to relatives who didn’t want to think about it ahead of time. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on my worst enemy.

        I think older people sometimes don’t realize what modern medicine can do to keep you alive long after your body has shut down.

    5. Koala dreams*

      You might be interested to talk over the situation with a lawyer, and find out what will happen if the parents die without a will, and what is demanded of the children where you live. It’s quite sad that the parents know what they want to happen, but refuse to take any steps to make it so, but that’s their problem. You need to get accustomed to the idea that their idle talk isn’t connected to reality.

      As for the bills, I don’t see how you could pay the bills without the cooperation of the mother, nor why you would want to. If they are fine with the situation, why should you bear their worries? Your mother in law is an adult and if she choose to not learn to pay bills, that’s her responsibility. If you want to help, offer to show her, once. Then let it go. However, look into what happens if she (or the father) gets sick or hospitalized. That can be a mess.

      It’s super hard to see family members make bad decisions over and over again, but often the children are in a bad place to help their parents, because of the family dynamics. I’m sorry.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I don’t know why they think your husband will be the one to turn their vision into a reality, even if he does “know what they want.” Most states have clear rules for what happens to property if you die without a will, and those rules aren’t “ask the kid who claims that he knows what they wanted.” Usually it’s some division between surviving spouse and surviving children, in pre-determined shares.

      If the real issue is laziness, I’d suggest doing as much of the legwork as possible and then getting them to sign stuff. You can say “yes, we know what you want, so let’s be sure that happens. Is this what you want? Great, sign here.” In reality, it’s more complicated than that, but to the extent that you can frame this as “we/your lawyer is just taking these things you said and formalizing them,” it might make it easier for them.

      A good first step, after you find a lawyer and consult with her yourself, would be to set up a Zoom call with you and your parents and the lawyer, to talk through why they need a will and what the process is. I’d also be sure to make it clear at every step that all of these are their decisions, and that if they *want* to proceed with the lawyer without your assistance/coordination, you are happy to back off, so long as they are formalizing *something.*

    7. Observer*

      The upside to that is that you will have a chance to make sure the will gets done. Because at that point you tell MIL that “we’re getting the lawyer to take care of the will. We’ll do the leg work, they will draft it and they you get to read it and sign it if you like what it says.”

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I grew up in CT and my mother passed while my folks still lived there, so I have a passing familiarity here.

      I just went into the CT probate page : ct probate dot gov (all one word). I clicked on user guide.

      Here is what it said about administrators:

      “1. Who can serve as an executor or administrator of an estate?
      Anyone can be an executor or administrator: a member of the decedent’s family, a
      beneficiary of a will, an attorney or a bank. An executor is named in the will and chosen
      by the person making the will. If there is no will, the court will select an administrator.
      The law requires the court to give priority to the decedent’s family members when
      appointing an administrator, unless it appears that it would not be in the best interests of
      the parties concerned, in which case the court will usually appoint an impartial person or
      a bank. ”

      The user guide goes on to fill in many more details.

      So it looks like an administrator will be assigned by the court. They will have to do some kind of asset search to make sure they found everything. This will be charged to the estate and lessen the inheritance by that much.

      I think the core issue here is what do you want to happen vs what looks like will happen?

      Kids don’t “have to” do their parents estate. I think we all know this on the logical level, but there is something deeper that drives us to the sense of “owing” something to our late parents. I remember getting myself in a big knot worrying my father’s estate would go into bankruptcy. Why did I get so knotted up??? There are procedures in place for this type of scenario. My best guess now is that it was the way my grief manifested at that time.

      This was all foolishness on my part. I am only child with no kids. Guess who is doing my estate? Yep, a court appointed administrator. This was a huge reality check for me.

      I so get the idea that you’d end up doing all the estate work for your inlaws. Perhaps that is one of your hubby’s reasons for walking away?

      Actually the worst part of this problem is what to do if dad goes first and mom can’t handle the finances. Do they have siblings who would help in this case? Of everything here, I think I would target that part as needing a plan the most. Perhaps you can set it up so that you are paid for handling her finances even if it’s a token amount.

  81. nep*

    Hope I haven’t already asked this here in the past (not finding)–Anyone ever bought glasses from Phonetic Eyewear? They’re supposed to specialise in protective glasses for computer use.

  82. Ducksgoquack*

    Do you say anything to family or friends who are chronically late? My BIL arrives late to *every* family event. My ILs insist on waiting for him to start an event/meal no matter what. He knows this and is still late.

    I’m wondering if it would be worth creating awkwardness by mentioning something to him or just be polite and ignore it as one of those annoying things I occasionally have to accept.

    1. Asenath*

      Only if it affects me directly – if I’m the one left waiting, it happens once, and next time I say something like “I’d love to meet you for lunch at 1:00 PM. I do have something to take care of in the afternoon, so I’m going to have to order and start eating at 1:00 (or I can’t wait more than 10 minutes to start or whatever) and then I follow through, ordering or leaving after the appropriate interval. It does help. But if someone else is the host – say, I’m the guest and the host decides to hold everything until some perennially late guest arrives – I just pretend I haven’t noticed the lateness.

      In my experience, people who are chronically late don’t make an effort to be on time if they know the rest of the group will wait for them, no matter how long it takes. And some families or groups of friends have radically different ideas about “late” than I do, so it doesn’t seem to bother them if someone turns up an hour or two or more late.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Your problem here isn’t BIL, it’s his parents. One of the classic ways to handle someone who’s never on time is to give them an earlier time to arrive. The effective way to handle it is to just start on time and let them suffer the consequences. They’re doing neither. You however have the right and ability to set boundaries on your time. Make sure your spouse is onboard.

      It’s extremely helpful if you have children and the event is a meal. “Sorry, but child needs to eat, so either we need to order/start now, or we’re going to have to leave to get food.” Typically that will get things moving, because in the grand scheme of things, the grandchild is going to be given priority over a chronically late son.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, this is a parent problem. But it’s the in-laws so you don’t have a lot of capital to push back. I’d just accept that all meals at their house are X-time later than planned, and also possibly cold. Then, decide how many crappy late meals you’re willing to eat in order to see your in-laws, and then tell your spouse “ok, I’ll suffer through X number of late crappy meals per month/year for your family, and once those are used up, you’re on your own.”

        If you really want to do something, you could call the in-law that does the cooking and go “hey, could we have some appetizers this time to tide us over until BiL gets there?” Better yet, bring some appetizers of your own.

    3. TPS reporter*

      The general rule I use is the blood relative should speak to him/her. so your partner should step up and talk to their parents as well. Also try giving the BIL a different time to be there, i.e. an hour earlier. I do that with my husband.

    4. Ha!*

      Same situation. The whole family has eaten cold/reheated food because BIL was — surprise — late again. I don’t know if my MIL thinks everyone’s softball comments when he finally arrives will someday, finally, make him be on time (decades in now; it hasn’t). I suspect he a) doesn’t much care; b) likes the attention, even if it’s politely negative attention; and c) perhaps also likes being able to poke at his mother. Sometimes I eat beforehand if I’m really hungry, so I’m not left waiting as much as over an hour past meal time. For my MIL, I think she has a bit of a complicated relationship with my BIL and doesn’t want to call him out on this (especially since others, who are hungry, will politely do it for her). For my part, I eat beforehand sometimes and ignore it. And sometimes complain to my husband later ;)

    5. Brunch with Silvia*

      We eat before we leave for any gathering at my in-laws and we decide on our departure time ahead of time (usually 1.5-2 hours max). We leave even if other tardy guests are just arriving. This is my hubs family and he is the one who insists on not being manipulated. In some ways, it is easier because he initiated and enforces the boundary but my MIL still whimpers to me about it, not him.

      1. Ha!*

        We do this, too! And we get the whole, “what you’re leaving already?”. Yes, we’ve been here quite a while, so . . .

        One time, we even got snark for being the first to arrive at my SIL/BIL’s (5 – 10 mins after stated start time). Something along the lines of us always being the first to arrive and the first to leave. Happy to celebrate whatever with you, but I AM done after a couple of hours. That time, I was a little put off by the snark — we showed up not too early and not too late in my book, brought a gift for your kid and you felt the need to comment because . . . ? Not going to change a thing :)

    7. Observer*

      What do you think will happen if you say anything to him? You say he knows that everyone is kept waiting. So, what do you expect to add to the conversation? If you think he knows that everyone waits, but genuinely doesn’t get that people are bothered, that’s one thing. If he knows but doesn’t care / can’t seem to get it together, that’s another thing.

      Do your ILs insist on waiting even when they are not hosting? That’s the one things I think I would push back on. You can’t make them start whatever, but you CAN start your own events on time, regardless of what your ILs think. And you can start planning around BIL being late to stuff.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      My ILs insist on waiting for him to start an event/meal no matter what. He knows this and is still late.

      Well, there are only two ways to solve this. Either your brother-in-law starts showing up on time more often (which maybe he can’t do), or your in-laws stop waiting for him. Any chance you could make the latter happen?

      1. Venus*

        Or is there any chance he will text / message when he’s on his way? That way the OP can coordinate their schedule with his? I do this with my family, although for different reasons (I want to avoid being alone with some of them).

    9. Pennyworth*

      Probably don’t say anything in the moment, but I’d ask the BIL if he realises that his mother puts a whole lot of effort into preparing meals that are always ruined by being held back for him. Come at it from a ‘concern for MIL’ point of view rather than ‘I hate you for making everyone wait’ angle.

      1. Grapey*

        I wouldn’t speak for MIL here. She’s an adult and chooses to prioritize BIL’s comfort over her and her other guests.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      “Call me when BIL arrives and we will be right over. But we have stuff here to take care of, so we will do that stuff while you are waiting for BIL to show up.”

      er, uh, maybe not actually do this….

      I guess in the end, I would just show up later myself. No point to knocking myself out here.

  83. The Other Dawn*

    Does anyone know if a Samsung Galaxy Tab A can be connected to a monitor and keyboard using a MS Surface docking station? I’m thinking no, but maybe someone knows something I don’t. (I used to be good at this stuff, but it all seems to have left my brain these days.)

    In my den I have a desktop PC, which is set up on my home desk. It’s for home use only. In my dining room, I have my sit/stand desk, which I use for work now. I use a Surface Pro with a docking station, and have two monitors and a wireless keyboard and mouse hooked up to it. Certain websites are, understandably, blocked on my work computer. My thought was that I could use my Samsung tablet and connect it to my work setup so I have the convenience of the sit/stand desk, the monitors, and a standard keyboard and mouse. (I’m still recovering from the back surgeries and want the comfort of switching from sitting to standing.) But I connected the tablet to the docking station with the USB cable, but that doesn’t work.

    1. Choggy*

      Yeah, I don’t think a dock designed for the Surface will work for a Samsung product. You could try using a VGA/DVI splitter to USB to connect the Samsung directly to a monitor, and purchase a Bluetooth keyboard/mouse.

  84. Call me St. Vincent*

    Online mattress companies! Who has a mattress/boxspring set that was purchased online that they like? Extra points if you’ve had it for a couple of years already and think it has lasted/been durable. Thanks in advance for your recommendations!

    2. Anon5775*

      I have had a Casper for a few yrs now and I like it. I do spin it around so I am wearing both sides equally. I live alone (so no one is using the side against the wall) and sit on the edge in the mornings putting my socks on, etc and I do notice it starts to sag a bit after a while, hence the spinning.

    3. Courageous cat*

      Have had Brooklyn Bedding (soft – you can choose your firmness) for like 3 or 4 years now. It’s held up great. It’s not quite as soft as I want it to be (no mattress is) but no complaints otherwise. Everyone who sleeps in it absolutely loves it.

    4. Reba*

      I bought an all latex mattress, it was $$$ and it weighs a million pounds and I love it deeply. (But I wish I hadn’t moved with it so many times, lol)

      We got ours from a place that was local to us at the time, Spindle. But there are quite a few manufacturers.

      If you want to learn way too much about this subject, visit the Mattress Underground forums :)

    5. Aphrodite*

      I bought from Charles P Rogers, a family-owned company that makes vey good beds/mattresses.

  85. negative thought*

    I have this negativity problem. For example, I take exercise classes, and am all for it, like it even, but right before it, morning of for example, I become so negative about it, and wish I could just not show up – and of course I could, but I don’t want to feel rude/lose the money/I know it’s good for me. The class is usually OK, even if I’m grumbling in my head at the start, eventually I get into it, and am always happy I did the class. I do this with a lot of things. I would so love to not have to go through this whole internal turmoil and just be OK with what I have decided to do, and will do anyway. Does anyone else go through this? How do you deal with it?

    1. Analyst Editor*

      Definitely. I’m prone to negative thoughts and anxiety. It’s definitely much worse when I haven’t slept, which is pretty much all the time with small kids….And then – I am bad at following this advice myself – I do firmly believe that it’s a matter of habit to not let the negative thought dominate – like, if it’s a path in your mind, don’t go down it when you can – see the thought and dismiss, like they tell you in guided meditations.
      HOWEVER: if you’re also noticing actual signs of crap in a class, yeah – it’s good to do a self-reflection whether it’s REALLY negative or just different technique from what you expected, but ultimately look for a different/better value. Like, let’s say the instructor clearly didn’t prepare and is pulling things out of their butt, or (if In Person) doesn’t provide good instruction or doesn’t seem to care if you’re doing the moves right. That’s the only way an ordinary person has of rewarding good work, is not paying for crap. Things like – a therapist who’s clearly winging it and didn’t prepare for your session; a piano teacher who doesn’t correct students’ posture; etc.

    2. Birdie*

      I do this, too. I agree to meet people, rsvp for a party, sign up for an event, and I’m genuinely looking forward to it, initially. And as it gets closer, the less I want to attend, until the day of, when I REALLY don’t want to go. And then I go and have a nice time! I don’t have any advice for you, but I’m hoping someone does! I think this is pretty common, actually.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Yes, I do go through this. A lot. The thing that helps me is just what you did here – I go through a little script in my head reminding me that, while I feel really negative now, I did not feel so negative yesterday and I will not feel so negative once the activity starts.

      This does a couple of things: First, I’ve gotten much better about not bailing at the last minute, which doesn’t seem to be an issue for you but it was for me. Second, it moves the emphasis off of my feelings and onto my actions. So long as you are actually Doing The Thing, does it really matter if you have an hour or two of negativity beforehand? (Yes, of course, because you don’t want to feel negative, but no in the sense that you are still Doing The Thing.) Third, having given myself permission to feel negative if I want to, a lot of times remembering that the negative feelings generally are sandwiched between more positive ones, actually makes me feel less negative over time. It’s not 100%, but I get from “I hate this it sucks if I hadn’t paid money I wouldn’t do it” to more of “haha I’m such a grumpypants good thing I’ll feel great when I get there.”

      You don’t seem to have trouble getting yourself to follow through, but I used to. One modification of the script that helped me was to say, “I believe I will enjoy this once it starts, so if I’m 10 minutes into it and I still feel this crappy, I give myself permission to stop.” Knowing I had an exit plan helped me a lot.

    4. Alex*

      I weirdly experience this with vacations.

      I get all excited planning the vacation months before, but then for the week prior all I feel is dread. I don’t know why. By the time I am set to go, I want to do anything but! Of course I usually have a good time and am glad I went but for some reason my brain does this to me every time.

      Sometimes also with hanging out with friends, and sometimes with exercise classes (when there were exercise classes) and just general working out, although I mostly attributed that to my being lazy than anything else.

      What I do–not with vacations so much, but other things, is give myself permission to leave if I am not feeling it. Like if I am going to go work out and I REALLY don’t want to, I tell myself, if ten minutes in I am really struggling to be there, I give myself permission to stop. This helps me get in the door, and 99% of the time I stay. The other 1% I realize I was actually too tired or not feeling good enough to do it, and I’ve left.

      1. SpellingBee*

        I do that with vacations too! I plan, anticipate, look forward to it for months, then right before I decide that I don’t really want to go, that it’s just too much trouble. I always go and I invariably have a great time and am glad I went, but there’s this period of reluctance for a few days that I just have to muscle through.

        1. 2QS*

          Me as well. I plan well in advance, get psyched about it, start packing, go to bed dreading having to go on the trip (couldn’t I just cancel and go sit on the couch with a book instead?), then always grumble to myself all the way to the airport/bus station/train station and about halfway into the journey. Then I remember that I’m going and I’m excited and it’s okay!

          People ask me if I like to travel and I have no idea what to say. Yes, but with a catch!

          2. Washi*

            This is exactly what I do! I love all the planning and sifting through options that some people find tedious, but somehow just having to pack a suitcase and decide how I’m getting to the airport take me from 0 to nope in a minute. Once I’m sitting on the plane, or once the car is packed and we’re on the road, I’m all good again!

    5. Still*

      One thing that often works for me is telling myself that I don’t need to do the thing, I’ll just get ready for it and see how I feel then.

      So if I’ve booked a workout class, I’ll put on my workout clothes, fill a water bottle, pack a bag. If I’ve committed to going out with friends I’ll brush my teeth, wash my face, put on something nice. If I was supposed to work, I’ll set up my laptop, make a cup of tea, put my pens and notes within easy reach.

      Getting ready for something often feels much less arduous than actually doing it, and then once I’m ready, it’s almost easier to follow through than to stay home.

    6. nnn*

      Another experiment you could try is the opposite of what others are suggesting: next time you feel the “I don’t wanna!”, cut short the inner turmoil, and immediately make the decision “OK, so I won’t go!”

      Possible outcomes:
      – You don’t go, and then you feel bad afterwards about being rude/losing money/not doing the thing that’s good for you.
      – The definitive decision not to go makes the contrarian little part of your brain respond with “But I want to go!”
      – You have a few hours of surprise free time that makes you glad you didn’t go.

      In any case, the result will be informative.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      My aunt joined Curves years ago and went through the same thing.

      I always say that exercise is more of a mental discipline than a physical activity. It boils down to the choices we make when we do not “feel” like exercising. But so is following a diet, holding down a job and so on.

      I have two friends who have been jogging together for years. The only reason they show up is because of the other person. As individuals they both gave up on this jogging stuff years ago.

      Since you are saying that you do this with a lot of things, it could be that you need to add some joy somewhere in your life. It could be that you are doing a bunch of things you feel you “should do” but there’s no time out for pure fun/laughter/relaxation. Balance is so important. We aren’t machines, we can’t do and do and do.

    8. valentine*

      What’s working for me is doing the thing exactly when I most don’t want to, which is when I remember it. In your case, I would exchange all the thoughts with, “We’re going to class now.”

    9. TPS reporter*

      Try doing some reflection on why you’re feeling this way. When you get this feeling you can examine it objectively. That might help you get some more distance from the feeling. Or you could do some breathing techniques when you get this feeling to relax yourself and create some positive associations.

    10. Grapey*

      The grumbling in your head at the start is actually the best way to “psych” yourself up for something you don’t want to do.

      Kind of like you’re the parent not giving in to the tantruming toddler part of your mind while also affirming the feelings. “Yes, it will suck to make the drive through traffic to get there. Yes you will be anxious dealing with XYZ people when you arrive. But you will get through it and feel better when you leave.”

  86. My Family Is So Weird*

    I’ve been estranged from some of my cousins for some time because they would not stop the relentless pressure on me to have children, something I’ve never wanted, and they are also homophobes. Last week I got a message from one of those cousins saying her 31-year-old daughter is pregnant by a married guy and demanding I adopt the baby when it’s born, so her daughter “can live the Christian life she wants.” Oh, and also, even if I were interested, there are a whole bunch of stipulations I would have to follow to raise the baby, like raising it in their very strict evangelical Christian denomination (which I don’t share), making sure to go back into the closet instead of being an out lesbian so I wouldn’t “corrupt the baby,” and ensuring it shared the mother’s beliefs, like birth control being sinful (but not unprotected sex with a guy who was already married, apparently!)

    I didn’t bother responding, because there’s no way that I would ever do this, but man. They are so weird.

    1. Misty*

      That’s a lot to take it. I’m confused of why they would even want you to raise the baby if they wanted the child raised in such a specific manner. Likely good that you didn’t respond, seems like there would be no way to reason with all of that!

      1. My Family Is So Weird*

        There are a few other relatives raising different children of the cousin who’s pregnant, so I suspect it was a combination of running out of other people to place the baby with and, via some hints in the e-mail, of the cousin’s mother looking to “redeem” me.

        Then again, some people just really can’t believe that there are people out there who aren’t desperate to raise a baby, and they’ve shown themselves to be like that often enough. So it might be that simple.

    3. Not A Manager*

      WOW! Yes, I think the best response is no response. I can’t imagine what she thought you were going to say.

    4. Choggy*

      Yeah, any type of communication from those relatives would be immediately blocked, no one needs that kind of energy in their life.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      WOW! indeed. Also:
      – Entitled much?
      – Jaw, meet floor.
      – “so her daughter ‘can live the Christian life she wants.’” Is said life desired by the daughter, by the mother, or by the mother for the daughter…? Also there’s that little detail of the latest new father being already married to somebody else.
      – “making sure to go back into the closet instead of being an out lesbian so I wouldn’t ‘corrupt the baby’”
      Any other aspects of everybody else’s lives that this soon-to-be-a-grandmother-again proposes to control? She should steer her energy in more positive directions. With fortitude like hers on the job we’d have a coronavirus vaccine / cure for cancer / end to illiteracy / world-wide food security etc., etc. in no time.

      Your second comment delivers the absolute icing on the cake:
      – “There are a few other relatives raising different children of the cousin who’s pregnant”
      This unplanned pregnancy/surprise child situation has happened more than once? And to someone now 31 years old? Whose mother still believes that birth control is sinful?! Is anybody thinking about who’s gonna cuddle, snuggle, read to, cook for, clean up after, lose sleep over, and pay for the diapers, formula, clothing, shoes, activity fees, etc. until each of these innocent children turns 18?

      Okay, I have no more words, except to pray for the well-being of these children.
      You are so correct to ignore this ridiculous request!

      1. Observer*

        No kidding. Those kids can use all the prayers they can get.

        I feel bad for all of the children and grandchildren in this mix. What a mess!

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      Yikes! You’re right not to response, but I’m sorry you even have to deal with this in any form.

    8. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Wow. I would be tempted to ask Child Services for guidance, but I don’t think is a good idea.

  87. DarthVelma*

    Looks like I’m starting the gaming thread again this week. What’s everyone playing this week? Anyone got big gaming plans for the upcoming holiday weekend?

    The partner and I tried to play Galaxy Truckers on Friday and it did not go well. I guess we thought we had played enough in the past that the rules would just come back to us…they did not. (Having already started drinking probably did not help.) It was hilariously painful having to dig through the rule book for every single thing. And both of us pretty much completely forgot to add shields to our ships. We made it through 1 round, gave up, and played Magic instead.

    For the upcoming long weekend we’ve committed to Star Wars: X-Wing. The setup for that game is…a lot. Probably going to spend every spare moment this week putting together squads and re-reading the rules. I learned my lesson from the Galaxy Truckers fiasco and that game is WAY less complicated than X-Wing.

    The partner is currently trying out Gloomhaven online. Gotta say the music for the online version is very atmospheric. We have the physical version and have actually played through the first adventure. But it’s big and complicated and I think he’s hoping he’ll figure some stuff out in the online version that will help us when we try the “real” game again.

    1. Lilith*

      I’ve started playing Lord of the Rings Online, which the first MMORPG I have ever tried. I’m not really a gamer at all but they are currently offering a lot of the game for free, so I thought now would be the time to try!

      It’s actually got a much bigger learning curve than I thought it would so I don’t think I’ll stick with it in the long term – maybe if I’d started with this kind of game when I was much younger I’d have more patience with it, as I can tell it is a lot of fun for those that enjoy it, but it just seems like so much work.

    2. RagingADHD*

      We got Ticket to Ride: Germany and Forbidden Island from the library this week.

      We’ve played Forbidden Island a number if times, but it was our first outing with TTR.

      I get why TTR is so popular! Really enjoyed it. One of the kids didn’t have much fun, though, because she doesn’t handle competition well, got super frustrated and was frankly, being a pill.

      We kept FI for another round, will probably play today.

    3. blaise zamboni*

      I’ve been playing Spyro Reignited for the last few weeks and loving it. I haven’t played a console game since the PS2, but now that my partner and I live together I have access to his Xbox and I’m using it more than he does. My console skills are not great (I filled the post-PS2 gap with gaming computers, so very different setup), so I struggled through Red Dead 2 for a while. Spyro is helping me get my controller-hands back, lol. It’s so nostalgic for me, and the game is downright gorgeous in comparison to the originals.

      Partner and I also wanted something to do together before bed, because watching stuff every night got old quickly. He downloaded a crossword puzzle app which has been super fun! He’s a movie/pop culture nerd, and I’m a language/science nerd, so we fill each other’s knowledge gaps and it’s fun learning what one of us is deeply informed about while the other has no idea about it.

      Are Galaxy Truckers and X-Wing tabletop games? I’m not up to date on all the recent/good tabletop games, but my friend group usually defaults to those when we hang out. My friends get burnt out with anything at or above Game of Thrones / Risk level rules, though. It’s a shame, so many of those games are beautifully created and well-thought-out. Alas!

      1. DarthVelma*

        Yup, Galaxy Truckers and X-Wing are tabletop. Galaxy Truckers is pretty easy to learn. X-Wing is very much not.

        Another pretty easy tabletop game we picked up recently is Clank! It has a fantastic sense of humor to it. You go into the dungeon and loot what you can and try to get out firstest with the mostest…without getting eaten by a dragon. We find ourselves laughing too hard to get mad about losing.

    4. Belle*

      I am playing City of Heroes and love it. It is an MMO where you can create your own hero (or villain) and save the city. Great stress reliever too!

  88. Erika22*

    This could be considered both work and non-work, but I’m coming at it from a home/non-work angle: how do you decide you need a bigger place due to you/your partner both working from home full time? (Specifically in the current climate but general advice welcome also!) What are some real “needs” versus “nice to haves”? What were some considerations you took into account but realized weren’t an issue after all?

    My husband and I rent a 1.5 bed flat with a small kitchen and decent terrace in a great neighborhood. When we got our flat last year, we loved it – we knew the kitchen was small compared to our last place but we weren’t big cooks so didn’t mind. The half bedroom (really like 1/3 bed, or a generous walk-in closet tbh) would work well as a small home office if needed, and barely fits an air mattress for when guests stay. But overall it’s cute, cozy, and in a great location to get downtown or to get further outside the city via public transport.

    Now that we’re in lockdown and both working from home every day, cute and cozy has morphed into stifling and messy. Cooking regularly has highlighted all the disadvantages of our tiny kitchen (literally both of us cannot be in there at the same time when cooking), there’s little space to try and exercise, and it’s hard to have any “alone” time. Essentially, all the little compromises we were ok with no longer feel sustainable long term. I’ve just found out my company won’t be going back to the office in any real sense until spring next year, and my husband is looking to switch to a fully remote role in the fall, so this will be our reality for a while.

    I’ve been looking at places out of the city to see what’s there, and (as many folks in a large expensive city have found I’m sure) we could rent a small house for less than what we pay for our flat, and since we’re working from home we wouldn’t need to pay to commute into the city for a while. Even when I’m back in the office, I have the option to work from home a couple days a week, so commute costs wouldn’t be more than they are normally (or would at most balance with rent savings). We’d also ideally be closer to large areas of nature, which would be lovely for weekend hikes. We might finally get a pet! So many things.

    We’re looking at moving as an option, but I don’t want to move to be more comfortable at home when this time next year we may regret moving further out and having fewer shops/cafes/grocery options/theatre and museums/etc. I also want to make sure I’m not just looking to make any change for the sake of breaking up lockdown monotony. And I’ll admit, there’s a little guilt in there about us only being two people (like do we really need more space? It’s not like we’re in a studio!) But the thought of the two of us being stuck in this little flat working every day for at least the next 8 months makes me feel anxious and claustrophobic.

    Has anyone else made the move to a bigger space for similar reasons? (Due to COVID or just a switch to full time wfh)

    1. Choggy*

      Well, what is nice is that you are renting so you your choices are more fluid if you try it out and then when things get back to normal (gotta have that hope!) you can decide if you wanted to move back. I personally could not live in that small a space with two people, even my three story townhouse seems smaller when my husband is home because I’m now strictly WFH while he does go into work at least three days in a row, but it might be during the week or over a weekend so not always when I’m working during the week. I always hear him walking about over my head, and he’s asking me questions, etc. At least we do have that separation, which is nice, I had to work upstairs while getting our ac/furnace serviced, and his going back and forth drove me nuts. It’s going to be a while longer yet before I got back to the office, but there are even talks about us working from home on a more permanent basis since it’s working out so well. I would love that, but will need to set some more rules for hubby when he’s home if that is the case.

    2. Washi*

      We are in a very similar situation and have decided to move! So I can report back in a few weeks :)

      My husband and I live in a high rise, 1 bedroom with a large living room where we had constructed a small den out of bookshelves and paneling. Our kitchen is fine, but we don’t have our own washer and our balcony is about 4 square feet in the shape of a triangle…so not very useful! We also have loud neighbors.

      However, like you, we love our area, the apartment is not terrible, and we were hesitant to move since the pandemic is long but not permanent. Things we decided together:
      1. 1-2 years was too long to be unhappy in our current place
      2. We’re spending so much less on travel, commuting, eating out, etc and it made sense to reinvest some of that in a space that would feel pleasant for the current reality
      3. Wherever we moved would not necessarily be permanent, we are mentally prepared that if somehow we hate it after a year, we would just move back into our high rise (there are always availabilities). This is an advantage of renting!

      We did want to stay in the same general area, and we found a townhouse with a washer, private entrance, and large patio that is a 20-25 minute walk to our metro station and downtown. (We currently live right in the downtown.) It’s a tiny bit more expensive, but the extra cost is about the same as the vacation we canceled! I’m really excited and I’m feeling good about having a place that works for our current needs, not what we needed 3 years ago. I think I would have been more nervous about moving to a totally different area, so this was a good compromise in being farther out but our old haunts are still accessible.

    3. Alex*

      I’m just one person in a similar situation trying to make a similar decision! For me, my pros/cons list is as such:

      Pros
      I could have a MUCH MUCH MUCH nicer space if I moved far out of the city, rather than in the inner burbs where I live now, and my daily life working at home could be so much more pleasant. Right now I don’t even have a desk.
      I could maybe even buy a place, which would be a step in the right financial direction.

      Cons
      I’d be much further from my friends, and could feel socially isolated. And I kind of want to start dating after the pandemic and being in a less densely populated area would make that harder (especially LGBTQIA+ dating).
      Not as many amenities–I don’t want to live somewhere where I can’t walk to the necessities (which I can now).
      For an inner burbs apartment, I have a really good deal that I’d never find again.

      I haven’t made my decision. There might be some other factors next year when I have to make the decision that haven’t come into play yet.

    4. Pennyworth*

      As renters you have an opportunity to try living further out with more space for a while. You can always move back to the same area if it doesn’t work out

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Actually this sounds pretty well thought out. I think you should go for it. Life is a journey, not a destination. Your next place may not be your forever home either. That’s okay.
      I tend to think that every 7-10 years our needs change A LOT. We don’t notice little changes but once we get a bunch of little changes in what we need then we notice. It’s probably time to move on.

      I had one person comment that they thought my house was big for just one person. Eh, other people live alone and have much, much bigger homes. It’s whatever you want/need and what the budget will allow.

    6. Overeducated*

      This is what we’re trying to do. In fact, we’ve jumped insofar as we gave up our day care spot (which we were paying for and not using) and gave our 60 day non-renewal notice for our apartment. We just…don’t have a new day care or home yet. It’s not just due to COVID, but the pandemic gave me an excuse to ask to telework regularly enough that the soul destroying commute won’t take over my life.

    7. valentine*

      You don’t have to settle for basic utility or non-life-threatening. You need more space in order to feel comfortable. Get yourself space you’ll enjoy, that you’ll be excited to be in and call yours and run around like the hills are alive. I expect everything will look and feel different from space you (both!) can breathe in. Then think about where you want to go from there. It’ll also be good to assume work plans won’t go as planned, and be ready to hold tight (in the new place) longer.

      When in doubt, I remind myself I deserve good things.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Not quite the same, since we already owned the bigger place and were just renting a small flat to make work more convenient, but we just finished moving out of a one bed flat in the big city for a semi-detached in a smaller city last week. At the moment I’m not really working, just on an unpaid research project, but the flat we had was just too small to be comfortable for two people being at home all the time. We have our own garden, already had a room set up as an office from when I was working on my PhD dissertation, and two floors here, so even though it’s fairly small house I need to get away from him or do an online meeting at the same time as him I can go outside or into the living room. We are very lucky that we had this option but it’s much more comfortable and less expensive, too. If things change next year we might rent out a flat in the city again.

  89. Oxford Comma*

    Just wanted to thank @The Other Dawn for bringing up mattress toppers as a way to deal with too firm mattresses about two weeks ago. I am two days in with mine and while I still have issues (getting physical therapy for those too), I haven’t woken up as sore as I usually am!

    1. 2QS*

      Wonderful! I had the same problem; I ordered a new mattress online last summer, and kept waking up with my hips aching. Got a Bloom mattress topper from SleepCountry and it’s the best thing.

  90. anon for this*

    Does anyone have tips or resources on how to deal with boundary-crossing parents? Also, specific advice on how to tell a parent that they can’t live with you/stay with you for long periods of time. This last part isn’t a problem currently, but I suspect it will emerge once the pandemic is over. My mother is an emotionally abusive narc and I will consider faking my own death if she has to live with me. (I mean, not really, but I just would rather this not happen.)

    1. Lilith*

      I don’t have any personal experience with this, but just wanted to check if you’d come across the Captain Awkward site? She has written a lot about how to set and enforce boundaries, and has often created scripts for how to deal with difficult parents.

    2. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If you haven’t already, look at Captain Awkward’s website: https://captainawkward.com/

      There’s are links to topics on the right-hand side of the page, including “boundaries” and “parents.”

    3. Anónima*

      Meredith Miller on YouTube is a wonderful source of information regarding narcissistic family members, particularly parents.
      I have found her very helpful and soothing to listen to
      She also posts in Spanish well as English if you prefer.

    4. RagingADHD*

      The #1 tip I have is to remember that boundaries are for *you.*

      There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to convince or force someone to respect your boundaries. Not ever. Nohow. Can’t be done.

      You also can’t persuade or force someone to be accept your boundaries cheerfully or peacefully.

      What you can do is decide in advance what you will do to maintain them – which usually involves separating yourself and allowing the other person to have their emotional reaction without you having to endure it.

      It is physically and legally impossible for your mom to move into your home without your consent or cooperation. But you have to be willing to let her be mad.

      1. valentine*

        What you can do is decide in advance what you will do to maintain them
        This is the heart of your liberation. If you run through scenarios in your mind, choose one or two responses and stick to them. You’ll have to be willing to repeat yourself until the end of time, no matter the response. Anything less, and she will be able to grab hold again.

        Narcissa: I’ll be moving in with you tomorrow.
        You: That won’t be possible.
        Narcissa: But faaaaamily.
        You: Nevertheless, that won’t be possible.
        Narcissa: Fire and brimstone.
        You: Nevertheless, that won’t be possible.
        Narcissa: *threatens to be homeless/die early/harm someone*
        You: Nevertheless, that won’t be possible.

        (If you can’t hang up on her or say, “I’m hanging up now” and do it. hang up on yourself mid-word. She’ll never know and, if she brings it up, you can say, “How curious” and change the subject.)

        It is physically and legally impossible for your mom to move into your home without your consent or cooperation. But you have to be willing to let her be mad.
        You may also have to be willing to call the police, move, and/or not give her any contact information. Protecting it can be exhausting and you might have to do without anyone you can’t trust not to defeat your purpose. But, yeah, if you are an adult and she is not on your lease, deed, or bank accounts, and you don’t depend on her for vital things, you can say no, however softly or indirectly you need to. You can not take her calls or restrict them to certain times, filter her messages, and not answer your door. I’m all about prevention, but it helped me to think about what outside resources I had if my family were to descend. Like yeah, it’s embarrassing if they stalk me, but my neighbors, however sympathetic to them, won’t want them camping out as they lie in wait for me.

        The best thing to do with boundary tramplers is to cease contact and create your own boundary-loving group.

        Reddit’s r/raisedbynarcissists and, even if she’s no one’s MIL, r/justnoMIL (which I kinda wish were about the armed forces) might be helpful.

    5. Alex*

      Oh Oh! My mom is an emotionally abusive narc as well. What I’ve learned is that there is no magic way to tell her something she doesn’t want to hear. There’s no way to tell her “You can’t come stay with me” without her getting angry and telling me what an awful person I am, and what is wrong with me anyway, and exactly what did she do that I came out so wrong? If you are looking for a way to be heard, you’ll be looking forever. No explanation of your feelings will be good enough or valid, because it doesn’t come with the end result of her getting what she wants.

      So my best tips are–don’t give BS excuses. Just say no. No, you can’t live with me. Because you can’t, and I said no, and no, I don’t need to give you an explanation. (For me, this is more the other way–my mother wants me to come to her, but it works both ways.)

      This isn’t the way to keep the peace, but it is a way to keep your home a safe place for you. Good luck. It’s hard.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. Don’t offer reasons, she will only try to unravel the rational behind the reasons. Just say, “No, that is not an option.”

        There are many videos on YouTube about narc abuse. Maybe a few would help somehow?

    6. Can't Sit Still*

      If you or your mother live in Pennsylvania or another location that has filial responsibility laws, you should probably consult with a lawyer that specializes in family law. A brief consultation to find out the laws in your location should be free or low cost.

      IME, abusive narcs know or learn enough about the law to make their victims miserable. I suspect a post-COVID world will see stronger enforcement of filial responsibility laws.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Filial responsibility laws are about paying for care. They don’t force you to have someone live in your house.

        And if you don’t have the means to financially support your parent, they don’t apply. There is still Medicare and public assistance, the responsibility law is a buffer to keep affluent families from milking the system when they don’t actually need it.

    7. anon for this*

      Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond and recommend me resources. They have been immensely helpful and I’m already using the resources you all have recommended.

  91. Dr. Doll*

    Could someone remind me how much a box of 50 procedural face masks (paper, blue and white) used to cost? I’m thinking somewhere in the neighborhood of $12 (US) or so?

    In other words, have we solved our mask shortage and now we’re seeing a touch of price gouging, or are we still behind?

    And, I found a nifty video for how to hold a procedural mask more snugly to your face, and bonus, it creates a little dome over the nose so it’s easier to breathe: Search youtube for “How to Improve Your Surgical Mask Fit– Covid-19” by Dr. Rabeeh Bahrampourian.

    1. Enough*

      I wish I knew what the price was in Jan. I’ve seen everything from 50¢ to $1 per mask. And then there is shipping charges for most on top.

      1. Enough*

        Did a little search and found a reference to 50 for $10 and 10 N95s for $18.20. But there is still a lot of strange pricing out there. I’ve seen Kleenex at ridiculous prices.

    2. Opal*

      In January I had ordered a box of 100 surgical masks for $14.55 on Amazon. The price gouging seems to have started then because it never arrived (and still appears on my Amazon history as “On the way, but it’s running a little late”).

    3. Generic Name*

      My husband found a box for $20 at Walmart, which seems like price gouging to me

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m sure that supply must still be behind. I’ve started to see them for sale in the local supermarkets but at £8 for a pack of 10, which surely isn’t the normal price.

  92. Anono-me*

    Good afternoon.

    I’m hoping for some advice/thoughts about the WhatsApp app.

    I’m not much of one for social media, but some relatives use it and have suggested that I get the app to make it easier to communicate. Right now communicating is complicated (Super long complicated but boring reasons why) . It looks like a good idea to me, but I am a little worried that I am missing something.

    Thank you.

    1. Courageous cat*

      Not sure what you’re looking for exactly – it’s just a messaging app like any other. There’s no particular reason to not use it. A lot of people who message internationally use it but I am not sure why that is.

      1. Daisy Avalin*

        Using Whatsapp internationally is easier/cheaper than phone messaging, because Whatsapp is over the internet rather than on your phone bill! FIL uses it/other internet messaging programmes to speak to friends/girlfriends overseas, simply because of the cost.

        1. nnn*

          A note about “cheaper”: WhatsApp is cheaper if you have a data plan (and aren’t precariously close to your data limit), or are using your phone on WiFi.

          If you would be messaging in a location that doesn’t have WiFi and don’t have a data plan or don’t have room in your data plan, look into the actual costs of more data vs. phone messaging.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yep, my Aussie FIL isn’t on any social media so we use WhatsApp for a group chat instead of Messenger.

    2. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      It’s just a text app that you can make groups on – what’s the issue for you?

    3. Observer*

      I’m with the others – what’s the issue? Do you have a smart phone?

      The key thing to remember with any communications app is that anything you send can be re-sent and shared very easily. So if you have a concern that someone might share indiscriminately and be indiscreet, make sure you don’t post anything you don’t want shared.

      1. Reba*

        I do think that sharing and forwarding is particularly easy with WhatsApp compared to other apps. WhatsApp is not like “social media” IMO because there’s not like public postings. But things can fly around easily (and spam, I mean it’s from people in your contacts but people sharing things indiscriminately).

        But it’s easy to use and the group ability is really handy.

    4. Parenthetically*

      We use WhatsApp to do a group chat with our family who are in five cities and two countries. It’s just a normal texting/calling app, it’s not social media.

    5. Koala dreams*

      The only thing is that I would advice you to look into the cost. I remember when I got it years ago there was a fee every year, but I haven’t looked into it recently. You can communicate with group chats, regular chats (like text message but over the internet) and send pictures, videos and recorded messages. There is also an option to have “phone” conversations on the app, but I don’t do that very much so can’t speak to it.

      Is there anything in particular you are concerned about?

    6. nep*

      I’m not on IG, Facebook, Twitter…I hesitated for a really long time to download WhatsApp, despite that friends in Africa encouraged me to get on there. I finally did a few months ago and it’s been only positive–no downsides that I have experienced. It’s great being able to use technology this way–messaging and talking to friends around the world basically for free. I hate that it’s owned by FB, but the good has outweighed the bad for me.

      1. Pennyworth*

        Like you I’m not on social media but I started using WhatsApp last year for family and close friends and I really like it. I just assume that anythingI put there could become public, just in case.

    7. aarti*

      One thing I love about Whatsapp is the voice message option. In the app you can record and send a voice message to people on leiu of a written message. I don’t always want to type our long or complicated messages so yay! Reminds me of the good old days of voice mail!

  93. Phryne Fisher*

    When is it okay to request a chargeback on my credit card?

    In mid-May, I ordered a desk from an online store. It was supposed to arrive in a week, then they emailed me to say there has been a delay.. I should expect it by end-of-May.

    By end-of-May, nothing arrives. I request to cancel the order and they email me that it has been shipped with a tracking #. Tracking btw indicates that UPS is still waiting for the item.

    It’s now end-of-June. Tracking still indicates the item hasn’t shipped. I called the online store’s customer service line and they gave me a canned statement about how they may be delays at this time. I can understand that, but please.. an entire month? Customer service told me they would get in touch with the warehouse on the shipping status. It’s been a week and I still have not heard anything. I plan on calling customer service again and expect them to tell me to keep waiting. Do I have grounds for a chargeback?

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I would say so. I would call the company once more and say you’re going to dispute the charge with the credit card if they don’t refund you. Then if they don’t, you warned them!

      1. BRR*

        This is what I would do and say “I don’t want you to check on it, I want it refunded” “I know you are backed up but this is too long. I want it refunded” plus the if you don’t I’m going to dispute the charge. This is of course if you haven’t already been that direct.

    2. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Just call the card co and ask them, they will tell you if you need to wait until a certain date.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Has the company charged you? Check on that. the card company will ask if you had asked for a charge back. go to the company. call customer service. State that you want a refund. Now. Get their name. If they try to talk you out of it, ask for a supervisor. write down the names, dates, time and the number you called. Send an email, confirming the confirmation. If you do not see a the cancelation on your next statement then call the credit card company with all the above information and then it will be in their hands.
        If they ship the desk during this time- you can refuse delivery.

    3. Natalie*

      Unless you make a habit of it, I would err on charging back liberally over being overly cautious. The bank will decide if the refund is warranted and if they decide against you once it’s really not a big deal. You’re not going to get in trouble or anything.

      Keep in mind you usually have a time limit – for my cards it’s 90 days from the statement date, but I’m not sure if that’s universal.

    5. valentine*

      If you haven’t already, ask for a refund. They need to say no or delay before it makes sense for you to dispute. Right now, this is more like you wish you had stopped it all way back when or you consider their responses a refusal to issue a refund. I prefer online/chat/email requests so I can use them to support my dispute. For calls, note names and times. Write up a timeline in case you need to dispute the charge, after all.

  94. heckofabecca*

    Question about leases! Mine was renewed, and a new line was added: “No lighting of candles or anything that burns.” I assume it’s because there was an issue with someone having a candle lit. I already took steps to allow myself to light for religious reasons.

    I’m just curious if this is normal or weird… and generally, what are some of the weirdest things you’ve seen on a lease?

    1. Parenthetically*

      “No burning” seems pretty normal to me — the apartment at the end of my street about burned down because of a candle, so I can understand not wanting people to burn candles or incense or whatever!

      I had a lease once that forbade toaster ovens!

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Not a lease persay, but my undergraduate dorms banned screwdrivers entirely. Never could quite figure that one out.

      1. Misty*

        My college banned ropes of a certain length and also banned scaling up the sides of the building. I assumed the two were related.

        1. HBJ*

          There are a number of clauses in my alma mater’s apartment housing rules that a lot of us of the next generation who went to that college believe are directly related to things a couple of our uncles did while attending said college. :D

      2. Natalie*

        Some kids in my dorm unscrewed a bunch of room number plaques and swapped them. Maybe something along those lines.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          Well, we also weren’t allowed to change our own lightbulbs or replace the batteries in the smoke detectors- I actually got fined for the latter but they weren’t going to be there for a week.

    3. HBJ*

      Our current lease does not allow candles. I still light birthday candles though. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Our prior lease (different place) only allowed soy candles because apparently the smoke from other kinds streaks the walls? I’ve never noticed that, and I burn quite a lot of candles.

      No candles is a pretty common requirement for college dorms/apartments.

    4. Llellayena*

      Very standard. Both my leases had that clause. The first one allowed the religious exception rule, my current one does not (old house, I’m not arguing). I did ignore that particular clause during superstorm Sandy though…

        2. Reba*

          I think it’s against the water damage potential of fish tanks, not fish per se. I believe I have seen a lease that spelled out an allowable tank size, maybe 10 gallons or something.

          Many leases also prohibit waterbeds, or “liquid-filled furniture” which I suppose would cover both things.

        3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m a live-in landlord, and my pet restrictions are that any new pets brought into the house
          1. Must be contained in a secured (and appropriate) container, not free-roaming.
          2. Must have no more than four legs.
          3. Must not eat live crickets.
          Otherwise, as long as I can’t hear or smell them from outside your room, knock yourself out.

          I have two dogs, my husband has two cats, and my housemate has a red-tailed boa, a fancy ball python and an albino corn snake. :)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Also, Snek-Keeping Housemate and I agreed on the unspoken “4. No venomous snakes or snakes that might get big enough to put the cats at risk,” which is why it didn’t make the official list.

    6. Miki*

      Candles are responsible for somewhere between 15,000-20,000 house fires a year in the US. Not that unusual a clause for a lease.

    7. Zona the Great*

      I had a lease that required I allow the neighbor into my home to do laundry with the washer and dryer in my single family home. It was actually not a legal or enforceable clause. I successfully had it removed since I couldn’t get renters insurance with that in there. Still let neighbor in though. Not her fault.

    8. HBJ*

      Oh, I know of someone who added “no electric heaters” to their lease. That was because electricity was included in the rent but heating fuel wasn’t. The landlords noticed that the electricity bill went way up one month and stayed that way for a couple months. Turns out, the tenants had turned the fuel-fired heat source as low as they possibly could and were exclusively using electric heaters to heat the house so they could save money.

    9. HBJ*

      In terms of slightly amusing things, all of our leases have named all the tenants, including children, and stated that we cannot have anyone else living there for more than two weeks without permission. I understand why, to keep you from subletting one room or overloading the septic with 5 extra roommates. It’s just funny because it means we’ve had to ask for written permission for our new baby to live here with us or to have “baby lastname” included on the lease if I was pregnant at the initial signing.

        1. HBJ*

          Oh, that’s interesting, I never thought of the actual legality of it. We’ve never had an issue with anyone denying it, FWIW.

    10. HannahS*

      My most recent one had “Tenant pays first $50 of any repair.” Like, my man, nice try, but I’m already paying you rent for the use of the apartment. I’m not gonna ding you on light bulbs, but I’m not paying to repair the fridge that you bought, untold years ago and keep in who-knows-what condition. We got that struck off.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I would not light a candle in my house. In the past few years I have gotten rid of most of my candles as there seems to be no point, they are just clutter.

      No, I think it’s good fire safety, especially if you have rambunctious pets, or an old structure.

    12. Ranon*

      Our current lease doesn’t allow candles, neither did our previous one. They’re an alarmingly frequent cause of house fires so it’s not unreasonable.

      Weirdest clause was one that allowed us to have a jack Russel terrier (in an apartment we had been told was no pets and in which we did not intend to keep pets). Turned out to be a holdover from another lease the property management had done previously.

  95. nnn*

    A petty question:

    I’m sick of cleaning my toothbrush holder! Can anyone recommend a style of toothbrush holder that doesn’t get gross as quickly and/or cleans super easily?

    2. fposte*

      Do you have a dishwasher? I’ve taken to using cups as toothbrush holders and they just go in the dishwasher every week.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        ^This. Mine is actually a little pitcher (like for cream for coffee) that I picked up at a thrift shop for $.50 and happened to match my bathroom. It does get gross from collecting water in the bottom, but comes out of the dishwasher pristine.

    3. nep*

      I agree–I feel like I need to do it every day. (I suppose that’s fine.)
      I soak it in the bathroom sink with some bleach-based cleaner.
      I’m always looking for better ways to hold toothbrush as well as soap.

    4. MsChanandlerBong*

      I just bought a cheap cup for our toothbrushes, and when it starts to get yucky, I throw it in the dishwasher. It’s not the most stylish thing ever, but it was 88 cents and I no longer have to scrub disgusting toothbrush holders!

    5. Pennyworth*

      I use a toothbrush which comes with a tiny suction cup on the back – I just rinse the brush and stick it on the mirror.

  96. Scout Finch*

    I am in the US. I have discovered several Canadian TV series showing on our free over the air digital TV channels.

    So far I am watching “Murdoch Mysteries”, “The Listener” & “Rookie Blue”. I am not deep into them, but they are perfect to leave running in the background while I clean or WFH or whatever.

    Any shows you like to leave on as background?

    2. WellRed*

      It’s old school but Law & Order works well for me. Is Rookie Blue Canadian? I thought it was US ( doesn’t matter, just curious if I’m missing something I might like).

      1. Scout Finch*

        Rookie Blue ran 6 seasons in Canada.

        It looks like ABC broadcast it as a summer replacement series in the US. I had never heard of it on US TV until I ran across it on ion+ TV.

    3. Scout Finch*

      Yes – Law & Order any flavor was my go to for years. Still love it. It’s a testament to the writing on how well the series held up through so many casting changes.

      It was just nice to find something that I couldn’t quote lines for so easily.

      The Good Wife is on StartTV – I have watched that through about 4 times now.

    4. Nessun*

      I love Murdoch Mysteries! There’s a spinoff called Frankie Drake Mysteries, and a tie in to Republic of Doyle – both Canadian, although Doyle is contemporary while Drake is historical. I like to put on Criminal Minds or The Mentalist in the background while I’m doing other things, I’ve seen them both so many times.

      1. Scout Finch*

        Thank you for the spinoff titles!

        I loved The Mentalist when it was on.

        I can’t watch Criminal Minds any more. Just freaks me out.

      2. 1968 Pontiac GTO*

        Republic of Doyle is the best! The only thing better is Rick Mercer’s visit:
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKft5IBTolk
        “Are you going to take your shirt off in this scene? No? How will people recognise you?”
        “The shirt comes off, but it’s… never… gratuitous.”

        I’ve had cod and chips a couple times at the Duke of Duckworth!

    5. Jaid*

      There’s a YouTube channel that plays classical type music and shows underwater scenes.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My big ones are Forensic Files, House, Criminal Minds, any of Ken Burns’ docu-series.

  97. Might Be Spam*

    I know it’s late, but I hope somebody sees this. I posted yesterday about my building being sold, with an offer to be accepted by Monday. I’m currently renting month-to-month because my lease expired. I asked for a new lease which my landlord said he would give me on Monday.

    I texted a reminder and my landlord called back and told me he is fudging the date on my new lease but won’t give me any details over the phone and won’t show me the lease until Tuesday. I suspect that he told the realtor that everyone already has a lease and there might be another tenant without an actual lease.

    I don’t like the idea of being rushed into signing the lease anymore. Maybe the Universe is telling me to move now.

    He didn’t tell us he was selling the building until the last minute and he’s going to have to do a lot of disruptive maintenance that may involve me losing the use of my bedroom for a period of time to fix the cracks in the ceiling and there may be attic damage above that. Animals got in the attic over my bedroom when I moved in. There’s other delayed maintenance that will have to be done before an inspector will ok the sale. Some of which will mean I will lose access to my garage and part of the basement for awhile. I will probably have to hire someone to move and store some of my furniture.

    It might be better for me to move now, rather than wait a year and hope there’s a vaccine in the meantime, to make it safer to move. I really don’t see much chance of a meaningful improvement in a year. I have no idea how things are going to be with new owners.

    Would it be reasonable for me to ask for a two year lease to make up for the inconvenience and future risk? I don’t want to be unreasonable, and maybe I might be better off looking for a new place now.

    1. Alex*

      That seems like *a lot* of hassle. I’d say unless you have a really great deal (that you can’t get elsewhere) or there is some reason your apartment is really special and it would be hard to find something as good, I’d move.

      I’m not sure a one day move would be less safe, COVID-wise, than weeks (or months!) of contractors and repair people coming into your home.

    2. Not A Manager*

      What are your specific concerns about moving now? Surfaces are not the usual means of transmission, and if your new apartment is thoroughly cleaned before you move in, there should be very little risk. In many areas, it’s possible to arrange contactless or almost-contactless movers. Even the process of finding an apartment can be arranged so as to minimize contact.

      I would absolutely not sign up for a year of workers in and out of my apartment and hassles with being able to use the spaces you’re paying for, if I could move somewhere else.

    3. Dr. Anonymouse*

      Check tenants’ rights in your area. you may not be the one who has to pay to move and store your furniture during the repairs. Just check to see. But it’s not crazy to just move and get it over with if you’re up for it. You’ll need to see how much notice the new owners legally have to give you before making you leave anyway, so you can decide what you want to do.

  98. masks*

    I’m overwhelmed by people not wearing masks. Does anyone have tips for how to deal with this internally- how to comfort yourself? I do not want to engage with these people but am mentally drained by their constant presence in my life.

    2. TPS reporter*

      Internally no other than it will just take time. It’s like Crocs. Eventually I stopped gagging at the sight of them.

      Externally I say try to do something about it depending on the situation. Wear a shirt that says Wear a Damn Mask. Wear scrubs and pretend you’re a medical professional and give them dirty looks. If you’re in a store, contact that store later and ask them to enforce mask wearing. Write to your local government. Say something to the person if you’re close enough and can’t get out of the situation. Wear a very loud mask of your own. We’re definitely too polite in this society! The non mask wearers seemingly have carte blanche to be very rude to others.

      1. nep*

        Hear, hear.
        Great point about contacting stores. I’ve observed several incidents in which someone walks into a store sans mask–despite signs on the door noting a mask requirement–and store workers say nothing. Great idea to contact the store later–and let them know you won’t be back. I wrote a bad review about local Kroger store for that very reason–saw a lot of carelessness and non-respect of safety measures.

    3. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      I struggle with that, and also with the one-quarter of mask wearers in my area who walk around with a mask covering their mouths but not their noses. Do they not know how breathing works? It boggles.

  99. B*

    I am so exhausted from this behavior. My covid anger fantasy is writing on my mask “you’re welcome” or “am I healthy?” .

Comments are closed.