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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Last week, I experimented with a change in the format of the weekend open threads. I’d like to continue that experiment this weekend. So:

    On this post, comments should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Recommendations or updates on things you received advice about in the past are also fine.

    What does that leave out? Mostly: venting without a desire for advice, and “here’s an update on my life” personal-blog-style posts.

    We had extensive discussion of this change last weekend (it’s here if you want to read it), so if you’d like to comment about it on this post, please make sure it’s adding something truly new that wasn’t covered in last week’s discussion, which I’d ask that you take a look at first.

    Thank you, and let’s see how it goes!

  2. Fitness watch?*

    I’m looking for fitness watch recommendations for swimming. I need something that accurately measures the distance I cover in a 25 or 50m pool. I’m tired of counting.
    Pools have been closed for a while, and there are no plans to reopen then yet, but it feels so good to pretend for a moment that this is something I’ll need soon.

    1. Zooey*

      I have a Fitbit Charge 3 which is pretty accurate at counting lengths, and is on the cheapest end of swim watches. However, it’s pretty limited as it doesn’t show the count while you’re swimming – only on the app when you sync it afterwards. So it’s a good inexpensive option if what you want is just to swim and then find out afterwards how far you swam, but doesn’t help with sparing you the count in the pool if you like to swim 100 lengths, say.

      I know the folks at my swim club seem to favour Garmin watches which are much more sophisticated and much more expensive! Very interested to hear if anyone has experience with this type of thing… I have a big birthday coming up and have wondered if this could be a good ask! So this is only partly an answer to your question – I also wanted to keep track of the thread for myself!

    2. Annie*

      I was looking for a watch like this as well last year – track the distance in a swimming pool, decent pulse measurement underwater, and also sleep tracking because I really enjoyed that on my simple Huawei Band 2. My boyfriend actually did a multiple day internet survey to find the best option and give it to me on my birthday (<3).
      The result was a Garmin vivoactive 4s (I know Zooey, it was expensive!). It shows the distance covered while swimming and the pulse is somewhat accurate. Bonus is that it can also count the strokes if you swim breast stroke or crawl.
      A small drawback is that the Band 2 actually was better in sleep tracking – for example, the Garmin cannot tell if I am still sleeping or if I am having a lazy coffee in bed. ;) It doesn't track naps either. And I sorely miss the friendly guy from Huawei's running trainings. The Garmin does not give you audio, or I haven't figured that out.

      Looking forward to pools opening again soon!

    3. TechWorker*

      I have a Garmin Venu which buzzes on a certain number of lengths. I mostly use it for running and cycling but also liked that it came in colours pretty enough to just look like a normal watch (rather than huge black obvious sports watch). Agree not cheap though mine was a gratefully received gift!

    4. Not A Girl Boss*

      IMO the Garmin watches are just truly unbeatable in terms of accuracy. Definitely the industry standard.

      I have a VivoActive 3 and love it, except that the sleep tracking is super lousy because it has no HRV sensor. So I also wear a whoop (which is horrible at activity tracking, sigh). But the newer Garmins do have HRV, albeit buried deep within the “body battery” option. So I’ve been thinking of upgrading.
      I’ve had FitBits before, older generations, and I just never found them to be remotely accurate. The Garmin + chest strap integration is a huge step up for heart rate zone training.

      1. Triplestep*

        I also have a VivoActive3 and I like it. I also like that it “talks to” some other apps, like my carb tracking app.

    5. Turquoisecow*

      It might be more than you need, but my husband recently updated his Apple Watch as the newer versions are water resistant. He’s taken it in the pool a few times now without issue.

    7. Oatmeal*

      If you want it specifically for swimming, look at the Garmin Swim. It’s been insane recently and is a good amount cheaper than a Venu or Vivoactive. google DC Rainmaker, he has very exhaustive reviews on all kinds on fitness tech and has a comparison table for watches.

    8. So Not The Boss Of Me*

      I’m on my second Fitbit (charge 3) and each one has stopped working properly after one year. Can’t record my hr, sleep info stops recording for days, settings change by themselves– and can’t be fixed on either device or phone, requires computer! (where is that damn password?)– and that’s on top of how inaccurate it is. What more steps? Talk with your hands. Caveat: I don’t get to swim, I just walk some. I take good care of the thing and it just doesn’t last. $170 is too much for one year. And now they’ve added Premium and want me to pay them every month for marginally more info. I’m looking for a new brand. Just my two cents. :)

      1. Artemesia*

        I traveled to France shortly after my husband gave me a Charge3 for my birthday and it has only spoken French since. All of my email notices are in French which I don’t speak — although I have enough tourist level French to cope. I find it amusing. I never ‘registered it in France’ or did anything besides just spend a couple of months there.

      2. Zooey*

        Yeah, Fitbits are cheaper as an entry thing but they are definitely not robust. Although I will say that I reported mine broken when it was technically just over a year old (so out of warranty) and they replaced it for free.

        I think it’s best to think of Fitbit as a good trial for whether fitness trackers work for you and then if you find you really like it you know it’s worth investing in one of the pricier devices. I never would have thought I wanted a tracker before I got my Fitbit as a gift and now I love it and (as noted in thread above) am contemplating a much pricier option!

  3. squareround*

    Has anyone had their fortunes differ from that of their friends? I grew up privileged and now due to circumstances find myself quite struggling and it seems this may be long term or even forever. Many of my friends are very wealthy, some even on rich lists for my country. So, a pretty big disparity in some cases.

    I feel a little bit of discomfort about it. Does anyone else have cross-income friendships where there is a significant gap in wealth between you, one way or the other? I’m not the only one in our large broader friendship group finding this an issue as we have aged and our fortunes have differed substantially. Am I being precious? It just feels hard sometimes and think maybe going the other way it’s hard too.

    1. Mid*

      I make more than double what my partner makes, and a significant amount more than most of my friends. There can definitely be some awkwardness around things. But, I also grew up pretty poor and I only very recently got to a financially stable place, so I think my mindset is still very much “uber broke count your pennies”

      Mostly I just try to help out my friends when I can—maybe slightly nicer presents that I know would help them, trips for both of us that they probably couldn’t go on alone. Not that I think of my friends as my charity projects or anything else. I just know that it’s by luck more than anything else that I’m in the financial situation I’m in, and I want to try and spread that around with those I love.

      So I guess, at least from my side, there isn’t really any awkwardness or resentment, at least not yet.

    2. Some clever pun*

      I make substantially less than many of my friends. Luckily we have compatible values around fairness so we’ve managed to work out some systems that work for us. For example pre-lockdown I’d do the work of travelling to visit my friend’s house and they’d give me the money for the bus or taxi fare. I have a couple of good friends that take me on trips occasionally, or who I meet for dinner and they pay since they want to see me and I couldn’t afford regular restaurant trips on my own.

      To me some of those things are over-the-top expensive and I would never have the guts to ask for such generous gifts, but for my friends making more money than they can spend it’s no big deal to help me enjoy a fun thing with them. This does all require talking about money, and some rejection of society’s idea of what ‘fairness’ looks like so ymmv, but I was deeply surprised what my friends were willing to offer when I talked about the dreaded money issue.

    3. Anonymous for identification*

      Yes it’s hard the other way too. When my mom died, we sold the family home and I put my share into a house in a town with a really good school system. Some friends from my daughter’s old school visited once, looked extremely uncomfortable the whole time, and never came back. I feel like I need to defend it… but to borrow a phrase I read somewhere else, I’d really rather have my parents back.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        That sucks SO MUCH. I’m so sorry you and your daughter had to go through that.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t think you are being precious. There are huge differences in how people go at life and these differences sometimes are income based.

      Some of my friends talk about their trips to Europe, Australia, etc. This is nothing that is in my budget. All I can really do is listen or ask questions about points that interest me. I do have one friend who used to tell me that I should be out touring the world and it’s seems to be a crock that at this stage I can’t. umm. Let’s see. Both of our educations are paid, I paid off all his medical bills and I am set to pay off the house early. For my setting this is great. Framed that way, her comment kind of hurts. She did not mean to and I know that. It’s her way of noting how life can be really uneven/unfair. And we don’t get to pick people’s word choice FOR them.

      My friend and I tend to go toward what we have in common. We share an interest in plants, pets, social issues, and health. So those seem to be the topics that get the most conversation. I think that both people have to look for ways that the other one adds value to their lives. My friend and I know each others strengths and we will ask each other questions for discussion on particular topics.

      Unfortunately, for my friend, life is slowing down for external reasons. Time really can level the playing field. But it can take huge amounts of time to see that unfold.

      Another friend had a huge change in life circumstance where Big Events X and Y happened to him. This is a friend that had a 6 digit income. That is gone now. And so is his savings because of X and Y. We chatted about the drift our friendship experienced. I point blank said, “Cruises were not in our budget, as a few other things were not in our budget.” He nodded. He understood. We didn’t love our friend any less, we just had different things going on in our lives and we each got caught up in those different things. He agreed. I will probably see more of my friend now that things have slowed down on his end.

    5. Vina*

      I have been on both sides of this. When I have money, I share it with friends who need it. When I don’t, I have no issues with letting others pay.

      It was difficult when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve decoupled disposable money from any sense of self-worth.

      An example: I have a friend who was homeless, so we let her stay in our house. Now she’s makign 3 times what I make.

    6. Overeducated*

      Yes. As I am getting older in a HCOL area this is becoming very visible with housing – both what housing people can afford and where they can afford to live (commute time, school districts). In some ways it makes it harder to spend time together because we’re scattered across the city and suburbs up to an hour away. That’s the sad part. But it also makes comparison harder.

    7. HannahS*

      Honestly, as the (usually) wealthier friend, it’s probably easier on my end. I’m deeply grateful for the financial security I have, and acutely aware of how much privilege was involved in getting to this point. I also really respect why/how my friends are where they are. Some chose to pursue the arts. Others sustained disabling injuries and stepped up to take care of ill relatives. I share your feelings that it can be uncomfortable–I think it throws inequality into light. It’s not fair that I can afford to visit family members on other continents and other people can’t, and I don’t want other people to feel bad because I have more. Luckily, by and large my friends and I share interests–so it’s not like all I can talk about is golf and my wine club, you know?

    8. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’ve been in both sides.
      When I was little, I had a friend whose father was a COBOL programmer who made a fortune preparing for the Y2K, so she was super spoiled. Every school break she would talk endlessly about her awesome holidays at the Caribbean, Brazil, Europe, even lying about them, like when she said she had “found” a Spanish carabela full of gold while scuba diving in Brazil, meeting some random royals at a ski resort, or attending the recording of a show that aired before she was born. When she got older she attended an expensive and exclusive private university that has a bad reputation in her industry of choice (and of course bragged about it). Imagine how annoying it was growing up next to her, “being nice”, and enduring her constant bragging. That’s when karma hit, her father was laid off and she found out her degree was meaningless to hiring managers. Now she complains about how hard life is and how she can’t get her dream job. I hope she learns to be more humble, especially after the pandemic.

      1. ShanShan*

        I didn’t hear what her “bragging” sounded like, but unless it was pretty excessive, this seems a little mean. Very few high school kids have the social graces required to talk about money in a delicate way. That’s just something you learn as you get older.

        If she was laughing at you for not having money or something, sure, but if she was just a teenager describing nice vacations she went on with enthusiasm, that hardly seems like a mortal sin.

    9. Formerly poor*

      I have been on every part of the spectrum. Growing up, my parents had done Ok for themselves but because my father grew up below the poverty line, we never realised we could afford more than what we had. I never had new clothes, everything was thrifted, yet we lived in a nice apartment but in a lower middle class neighborhood. In primary school, I was in the norm, then as I moved to high school, we had a divide because it was in a poor catchment, but had some special programmes where students from elsewhere would come. One guy once snarkily said, ya right we had meat for dinner, as a joke, then it hit me that not everyone can afford meat in my area. That was the first time, I realised I was not at all poor compared to the students from the area. Then I got a scholarship to the most exclusive university in the country. I only heard of it from one of the high school students in the special programmes so I applied and begged for a scholarship. Once I got in, I realised I was poor. People there were at a level of wealth I never knew existed. Then after graduating, I started getting into good high paying jobs, moved countries a couple times, and am now in the top 1% for take home income among people who graduated my university. They still have family money etc. but only few managed to get past the six figure income. I have been surrounded by wealth for 15 years and inevitably some mannerisms rubbed onto me even if I do not do the most extravagant things. Some people who only knew me recently assume I came from money but I don’t pay too much attention to it.
      I have the ability to dip in and out of poor and posh but I see me drifting from my older acquaintances because we no longer have anything in common. My best friends did not change, I only had three, 2 of them are doing really well and we are evolving at a similar pace. The third one betrayed me few years ago and I can’t event look at her, and karma seems to have caught up with her. I think the truest friendships transcend hobbies and physical locations, but these are rare, so I’d say the more entrenched I am into a lifestyle, the weaker my links to acquaintances with other financial/social/cultural or other capital volume or structure

    10. No Tribble At All*

      Yes, and it’s very weird to me. My parents were more frugal than many of my friends’ parents, so eg I never went to summer camp with everyone else. Now that we’ve been out of college for a few years, it seems income is dependent on career. We have one group of friends that’s mostly software engineers who are doing great. Most of them are buying homes and (before covid) would go on epic vacations. We have another group that’s a lot of grad students, teachers, counselors, and they’re… in different places. I’m an engineer; spouse and I are doing very well. One of my siblings loves their hands-on, lower-paying career, but is now furloughed because of covid. I’ll always be richer than them, and that’s very weird to me.

      I think it’s interesting you phrased it like this, lol. “would you rather be rich with a group of poorer friends or poor with a group of richer friends.” Of course it’s harder to be struggling if your friends are very wealthy! You’re not being “precious” at all. I hope your friends are sensitive about this and that your circumstances improve.

    11. Bubbles McPherson*

      I have friends who are elementary principals, attorneys, magazine editors, foreign correspondents, speech therapists, radio talk show hosts, tech employees, and nonprofit executives – so a wide range of incomes. Quite a few of them have gone on global trips and cruises and the like. As we approach or hit the 40-year mark, many more of them have kids and are thus doing things like roadtrips to national parks or backyard camping. It’s been fascinating to see how it’s all evened out.

    12. lazy intellectual*

      The discomfort is normal I think.

      I have a group of friends I’ve known since high school and college. We all come from similar socioeconomic backgrounds – suburban middle class, college-educated parents, we are all also college-educated etc. However, some of my friends fared better career-wise than others. Those of us who chose more lucrative career paths are doing fine financially. Two of my friends chose careers in the humanities…and it hasn’t worked out for them so much. They haven’t been able to find salaried jobs and one of them still relies on their parents.

      As the more privileged person, I try to be as considerate as possible. (Only suggesting free things to do. Sometimes if we do go out for drinks I will buy a round for them, etc.) However, I stay out of the emotional management aspect of it, even though I know what they are going through is stressful. I had to stop talking to an ex-friend who always tried to make me feel guilty for doing so well, even though they technically had more resources than me growing up, and is White and don’t have to deal with racial/religious discrimination in the workforce (I do.) So..yeah it’s not always pretty.

    13. Russian Stranger*

      Oh, that is such a great question, thank you!
      So, I am Russian who moved to Europe; for my Russian friends, I am a Rich Friend when I visit Russia, for my European friends, I am a Poor Friend. Income disparity can really cause discomfort, it can break friendships, but it can also be a great possibility to learn to trust yourself and others. Here, a couple of things that I learned:

      – Being a Poor Friend can be really testing for your own self-worth and relationships. My friends group are in situation where we can go to same restaurants and cafes together, but trips or more expensive outings are not possible and our living situations differ widely. It can breed envy from a Poor Friends’side, and also cause self-doubt, as is, “how much longer are these happy people willing to put themselves with my misery, and when do they decide that they need someone less negative as a friend”? It had taken me a lot of time to finally accept, that they are adult people who had all the possibilities to walk back and still decided to stick with me, so may be, just may be, they like me as I am? And I always try to repay back. If I ever loan money, I always return it on time, if I can’t ever invite them all in my tiny studio for a house party, I will organise a picknick and bake pies, or find some nice free event and organise the meeting.
      And I am really grateful that as a Poor Friend I could learn some things from my affluent, more privileged friends: self-confidence, or healthy assertiveness, or even just considering more ambitious goals in life. Often, they are my window to the life I want to have. So, something to aspire to and trying to learn things that I can apply in my circumstances:)

      – As a Rich Friend, I learned that sometimes you need to be willing to step from your comfort zone. If I suspect that I am more of a Rich Friend, I always ask my friend if she could recommend some place to go and stuff to do, because, u know, I am living abroad and have no idea! If she suggests some nice cafe, we will go there and I ask her if I can invite her “as I am seeing you so rarely”, if she suggests McDonalds, we go there, if she suggests a park, we go to park, etc. (Learned a hard way. I once tried to persuade a friend to move from a 2-bed room in a hosel hostel to a nicer hotel on a shared trip – and the hostel wasn’t even dirty or especially unsafe, it was just very basic and ugly as hostels are. *headdesk*).

      – And as a Rich Friend you need to really, really think about others’ circumstances and sometimes do emotional labour of selecting topics. I think that sharing Expensive Fun Things can sometimes be okay as long as you have shared interests there. If a friend is interested in a certain London museum but can’t ever afford a trip, I will make a million photos, buy books and souvenirs from that museum and tell her ALL that she wants to know (if she wants to, but I am trying to ask in a joking way, such as, “I spend so much time there, I can be fangirling for hours if you want to hear all that!”).
      Sharing negative things…. Much more complicated. I think that it is possible when you are roughly on the same ground. If we both work in white-collar jobs, bosses and coworkers and promotions are mostly OK. But I won’t mention that I REALLY want to move and have a separate bedroom and living room instead of studio if she lives in one apartment with per parents as she can’t afford to move, etc.

      – As a Cross-Income friend, sometimes you can’t sustain a friendship if the other person is resentful. One very closed friendship really turned toxic. We met online, on a shared fandom and fan fiction writing, met couple times in Russia on shared trips and FaceTimed a lot. First, I made a mistake of not thinking of her circumstances. There was a lot of misery in my life, but it was living-in-a-nice-quiet-European-town misery, while her misery was living-in-a-poor-Siberian-shithole with closed factories, destroyed environment and high criminal rate. If I just googled a street view of her town!!!! But I didn’t, I overshared, she grew resentful but was silent for a long time, than she snapped…. Than she guilt-tripped me about that. For years. I tried to change, I asked her which topics are safe, she set all the rules of conversation. Finally, I could never ever tell her anything about my life, because even a mention of a trip in a nearby park or a fact that I was having a Facetime outside (because of a good mobile connection in my area) just rubbed into her face what kind of a good life I was having, and then she wanted to start “a class warfare” (quote) or “start building some guillotines, u know?” (a quote with a smirk). After being too patient for too long, I ended that.

      …So, Cross-Income Friendship can be complicated… But if one overcomes this, I think one can be awarded with a very close friendship where both sides are committed to thinking about other’s needs, and know that they are connected on a much deeper level and not just a membership in a same club or something.

      1. Also Cross-Income*

        Just wanted to say I found your experiences very relatable from the USA and think you sound like a very kind and thoughtful friend. :)

    14. RagingADHD*

      We have some lovely friends with whom we are very similar – temperament, curiosity, parenting styles, overall values, etc. We always have so much fun talking and spending time with them.

      Due to career choices, they make an awful lot more money than we do. They now live overseas, and have invited us on several trips. Of course, flying our family over there is kind of a once-in-a-lifetime expenditure for us. For them, it’s more on the order of a twice-a-year vacation.

      Once we accepted their help with airfare to their country because they had earned free tickets through work that were about to expire anyway (or so they said). We tried to reciprocate by bringing some treats they requested from our country, by treating them to some dinners out, and cooking our share of the meals.

      Once they came here, and we hosted them at our place for a week, and then they hosted us for a week at a very upscale beach rental that we could not afford to even pitch in half of.

      It’s slightly uncomfortable when there’s a big disparity in our hosting, but it’s manageable as long as there is some way for us to reciprocate in a reasonable way. They have offered several times to fly us over again, but that’s too much. We just can’t stand feeling like charity cases.

      In a way, it’s the distance that has put a damper on our friendship. But in another way, it’s the disparity because we keep having to decline invitations.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I also have a friend who is really struggling financially, due to both career choices, some family circumstances, and just kind of overall low life skills. Over the years we fell into a pattern of me (now us) hosting, making or paying for dinner, etc.

        They will from time to time offer to host or make dinner, but TBH their home is a rented room where they don’t have free use of the common space, so visiting was basically standing in the kitchen or sitting on their bed – which was awkward but ok as a singleton but not really feasible as a family. Also, they are a terrible cook to the point of having given me food poisoning (like, found out afterwards that it was because of failure to use common sense on their part). So that was a do-not-repeat sort of experience.

        We would sometimes go for walks or do free things to hang out, but I live further away now and between work and family my opportunities to do that are limited.

        So that’s not so much about the money per se, but that the relationship is just one-sided in many ways that are entwined with their life skills, income, lifestyle, etc. If I want to spend time with them I have to do all the work, and I don’t have as much margin to do that work as I used to. So I don’t see them as much.

        I guess, for me emotionally, being the richer friend is more comfortable than being the poorer friend, because I am happy to host when I can. But in the long run, both kinds of disparity have led to drifting apart from those friends.

    15. Chaordic One*

      I can certainly relate to this situation. I’m kind of embarrassed by my financial situation and much less well-off than many of the people who I went to school with. Our relationships have devolved to the point where we’ve become “acquaintances,” rather than “friends,” and we no long have much in common. I suppose that indicates that we (myself included) are probably a bit shallow.

      When we meet, (usually at family events, funerals, weddings, things like that) we’re still polite, make small talk and keep each other updated on our lives. (Mine seems pretty boring and uneventful compared to theirs with nothing much going on except going to work and coming home, but that’s a bit of self-pity seeping into my consciousness.)

      Sometimes people just grow apart.

    16. SP*

      Yes – we currently live both of those realities. Our families, particularly mine, have a lot more money than we do. It means we can’t go on the group vacations they tend to go on, and we will never have as many “toys” as my inlaws. However, we have a nice home in a low-middle income neighborhood with a lot of newcomers. Our neighbourhood friends definitely appear to have fewer resources than we do, so I try to do lots of hosting and making sure I am contributing when we visit others. Basically I try be as generous as I can in terms of sharing what we are able, appreciating what we have, and accepting assistance when it is offered.

    17. OTGW*

      It was harder when I was younger—my family has never even been middle class. Hearing the kids when I was in primary education was hard, as they talked about going to Europe or disney world or could go to the local swimming pool more than once or twice a summer. My parents struggled to pay the mortgage/rent and there were times when we could barely afford to eat. While we weren’t as bad off as some people, uhhh, it still sucked.

      Now it’s easier. All my friends—we’re in our mid-20s and pretty much all in the same boat. Some, yeah, did have more privilege growing up, (and even now, there’s a few whose families have a cottage somewhere) but none of our parents are like…. paying for everything and we’re all working and trying to move out or get full time jobs or whatever or finish college or whatever. We all understand that sometimes when we want to go out to eat, if someone is having more trouble than normal, one of us can chip in.

      Will it change when we get older and probably have different paying jobs? Probably, but I think we all generally value the same things so I don’t think it will impact much.

    18. Sunset Maple*

      I’m in a weird middle area. I’m not an unusually high earner, but as a CF person, I definitely spend a lot less than my parent friends. On the opposite side, many of my CF friends have chosen a more unusual/beatnik/starving artist lifestyle, whereas I’m just an average cubicle drone with a moderate-but-steady income.

      One of my favorite ways to go about spendier social gatherings is to approach the person with the money already spent, and request a favor in return. For example, my friend Mei is a great companion for concerts and festivals, but I HATE navigating major cities with a fiery passion, so I pay for the tickets/gas/tolls and she does the driving.

    19. Grapey*

      I grew up with a single parent on food stamps and so did my closest middle/high school friend. We grew apart when I went to college and got a well paying job right out of school. Years later my husband and I were able to save enough for a down payment for a house…the first thing she said when I invited her over was “YOU were able to afford this?” and no other nice things. Other things ultimately drove us apart but I still remember that exchange.

      My current best friend grew up in a super wealthy household, but isn’t wealthy now. We met in college and our friendship hasn’t changed much despite each of us being in an opposite financial situation from about 15 years ago.

      No matter what I say though, you are not ‘being precious’ if you feel changes in friendships due to financial differences.

    20. Nita*

      I’ve been on both sides. It can definitely be a strain on a friendship, but I find that income disparity is never the friendship ender on its own – if I lose a friend, this is only one of many factors. Also, I’ve rarely had a friendship where one of us is clearly the “lucky one” and the other one is “down on their luck”. Everyone has their own success and their own troubles. It only puts a dent in the relationship when the common ground that made the friendship erodes, or when one of us starts to fixate on what the other person has that they don’t.

      I’ve had periods in my life when I resented someone close to me for being rich and clueless about how hard life is for me. I’ve had periods when someone close to me resented me for the same thing. In hindsight, in both cases, it wasn’t really so clear cut who’s really better off – our mind was making the gap much bigger than it really was.

    21. Beth Anne*

      Yes I have struggled with this most of my life. I still struggle. I graduated in 2008 and really never found any great job…still don’t. I am very introverted so I don’t really have many friends to begin with and I don’t do much socially b/c I just cannot afford it. It sucks b/c I want to do all the things. But I can’t afford it.

    22. Nott the Brave*

      Yep! I went to theater school so a lot of friends who went into the arts are struggling (especially now). My family was poor growing up, and my pivot away from theater had me working a part-time job for slightly above minimum wage for a while. I was the broke friend for a long time, until I got a job that paid more. Now my salary is near or above many of my fiends. I also have quite a few single friends so me and my spouse’s dual income puts me in a better position than many of our friends.

    23. Devil Girl from Mars*

      I grew up super privileged and currently have a lot more in savings and assets than most of my friends. It’s not usually an issue but sometimes I have to check myself because I worry that talking about what I have or things I grew up doing could come across as braggy. I also take care of my friends when I can.

    24. Dust Bunny*

      I have individual friends who make about the same or less than I do but most of them have partners who make at least as much. I’m one of my few remaining friends trying to get by on a very modest single income. Granted, I don’t have kids, etc., but it’s not like I get to pay 1/4 for everything just because I’m only one person. My family wasn’t poor but we didn’t have much to spare–I didn’t know that at the time because we lived in neighborhoods where nobody else did, either, so it wasn’t noticeable. When I was older we moved and at least some of my later social circle came from families that weren’t technically wealthy but could help them with down payments on houses, etc. I’ll never own a house. I can barely afford a one-bedroom apartment. I resent that I apparently will always have to have a roommate to afford a decent place to live.

    25. allathian*

      I’ve never been in a position of being very much wealthier than my friends, but there was a period in my late twenties when I was barely making ends meet and my then-bestie was making six figures. We enjoyed each other’s company enough that she occasionally invited me out for a coffee and sandwich and paid a sum I basically spent on food the rest of that week. I would occasionally reciprocate by inviting her to my apartment for coffee and homemade sandwiches. It wasn’t awkward, because we valued the friendship and recognized that our circumstances were different. We remained friends as I got a decently paying job and out of poverty, but then it sort of petered out when I got married and had a family. She’s very career-oriented and while I would have appreciated a chance for non-kid chat, we haven’t seen each other in about ten years. Because I’m not active on social media, I have no idea how she’s doing.

    26. Pommette!*

      I am *much* poorer than most of the people I was friends with, or who were part of my extended social circle, in high school and university. I was on the wealthier end of our group while growing up (I never wanted for anything and never had to deal with the constant nagging worries that come with poverty; events were often hosted at my parents’ house because there was always room and food for everyone; etc.). Most of my peers went into well-paying professional fields, while I chose a poorly remunerated one (which would have been fine) that was decimated during the mid-2000s and 2010s, making it hard to ever cobble together a living, or to get any kind of job security (that part is not fine!). The gap between my peers and I has gotten wider and wider over our twenties and thirties, as they have accumulated savings. It’s now vast, and I feel it.

      The gap doesn’t have a huge impact on my relationship with the two friends that I was closest with back then, and am still close with today. We’re on intimate enough terms that we talk about our lives and our struggles, so they get what money means for me right now, in the same way that I get what trying to find opportunities for a child with learning disabilities or dealing with an awful ex and co-parent means for them. It’s part of the fabric of our lives, which are different in *many* ways, and always have been, but we make it work. They see me as a whole person, and I see them as a whole person.

      But the gap *has* created a big, awkward distance between me and the rest of the friends and peers I grew up with. I’ve lost touch with people because I just afford to couldn’t keep up with the events through which they like to stay in touch. But more deeply, it feels like we’re often living in different worlds. And sometimes it feels like they judge me when they do realize what my financial situation actually is (like, something *must* be wrong with her, for her to be living like this).

      For example: I was a renter until super recently, and most of my current friends and peers are renters, while a lot of my high-school friends have gone on to invest in housing. They own houses and apartments in neighborhoods that they would never be willing to live in; they talk about how hard it is to find “good” tenants (you need a credit check, of course!)… I hear them talk, and all I can think about is how hard people like them make it for people like me to find a safe place to live.

      Similarly, a lot have gone into healthcare professions. It’s emotionally draining to have people tell me about their clients (“Did you know that some people can’t even afford medication or therapy? It’s shocking how we treat poor people!”. “Erhm, yes. Yes, I did know that. Intimately.”). They talk about people like me as if they were some exotic other. It’s draining.

      So… it is hard! You are not being precious.

  4. Egg*

    Has anyone read the Witch PI series by Adele Abbot? What are your thoughts? I’ve just started b/c they’re on kindle unlimited and I’ve got a free trial going. I’ve got kind of a love-hate relationship going with it….the books are quick, easy reads and fun fluff to pass the time, but there are a number of inconsistencies that are bugging me. (Seriously, how stupid is this main character that she knows someone is out to get her but she keeps getting poisoned and blown up and whatnot!! Gah!!) Also, 8 books in, I’m finding the main character is taking her sweet time to mature and she’s reminding me of Stephanie Plum who never does seem to grow up even after 700 million books.

    Or, have you read a series where you’ve run into a similar situation? It’s all lighthearted fun at first, but goes on and on and no one seems to learn anything? I would limit to a series because in a standalone book it doesn’t seem to be such an issue if a character stays emotionally stunted.

    1. Lemonwhirl*

      I haven’t read that particular series, but a big pet peeve of mine is when the main character (especially in a first-person narrative) keeps getting grievously injured or “accidentally” runs into the bad guy at the very end of the book and only realises just in the nick of time to save themselves.

      I’ve been listening to Tony Parsons’ DI Max Wolfe books and that guy must be the most traumatised and scar-ridden detective in all of London. It strains credulity (and detracts from otherwise excellent stories) to have a cop encounter that much physical trauma. The close-escapes are getting tiresome!

      1. Egg*

        “It strains credulity” is exactly what is happening in this series. This woman is well aware that big scary guy that no one has ever seen and his many minions are out to kill her. Yet she continually blindly putting herself into situations where anyone with common sense would have paused and said, wait, this seems highly suspicious.

        I wonder if these authors get into a rut. Maybe they think, well this close escape was a smashing success in book one, let’s do another! And then by book 15 it’s turned into a crutch, perhaps.

        I’ve been looking for some audio books to listen to during work, I will have to look into this DI Max Wolf.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Oh, if you want to listen to REALLY good detective books, I highly recommend Tana French. The narrators they have for the books are excellent. And she was an actress, so she’s attuned to writing stuff that sounds great out loud. The Dublin Murder Squad books are loosely ordered – a minor character in one book becomes the main character in the next book and so on, so you can listen/read them out of order. The Whych Elm is a stand-alone book so can be listened to anytime. (And bonus, all these books are super long so you really feel like you’re getting your credit/money’s worth!)

          1. MistOrMister*

            Thanks! I’l check it out. It can be so difficult to find audiobooks that are really well done.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Authors in a rut are sometimes bound by a contract. Apparently Piers Anthony was totally done with Xanth, but his publisher wouldn’t let him out of his contract, or change it to a new series. They only did after he weaponized his contract… He had full control of story, and full control of book title, and delivered something he knew they would not have an easy time marketing to parents of middle readers. And that’s just the most eye-popping example of how a contract can ruin a good book.

          1. MistOrMister*

            That’s interesting, I hadn’t realized that couuld happen. Don’t know that I would want to be in charge of the title, personally. I can’t manage to think up ones that actually grab one’s attention. I think control of the story and veto power on the title would be the way for me to go.

    3. Ronda*

      I was just listening to In Death series. She is supposed to be a great detective, but she is solving all her cases by getting kidnapped and the killer explaining how he did all the killings before she is saved. The last one I read was incredibly stupid plotting…. they framed someone else (and detective fell for it) and then they kidnap her and explain this.

      And the Temperance Brennen series….. She is always getting beat-up / kidnapped, just doesnt seem necessary. I also was annoyed by the writing end of each chapter as a cliff hanger.

      Also agree on the dresden novels. They also have the getting the shit beat out of you thing, then suddenly you win for no reason (I guess it is his powerful magic)

      I think a lot of authors get a formula going and just keep doing it. There is some good to that…. if you liked it in the 1st book you read, maybe you will keep liking it. But I also think the physical danger / kidnapping etc are huge tropes in these type of novels and hard to find books without them.

      1. Dear liza dear liza*

        Completely agree on Robb. Plus, her husband being a billionaire was incredible enough- but how often he was entangled in cases, and how much time he had free to play junior detective- nope. Gave up after a few books in.

    4. Intermittent Introvert*

      I love Donna Leon’s Inspector Brunetti series set in Venice. Interesting stories. Well rounded characters. Beautiful locations.

    5. Mephyle*

      I agree that the detective who never learns is annoying, but there are a very few exceptions where the trope is deliberately played for laughs, and if well written, it works for me.
      Stephanie Plum is actually one of those for me. However, I’m only basing my liking on the first 8 books. After that it got too repetitive and I didn’t like the turn it took into the paranormal.
      Two other examples where I find the bumbling, dull detective funny are Ethelred in the Herring Mysteries by L. C. Taylor, and detective Charles Paris in Simon Brett’s mysteries.

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      Don’t get me going on Stephanie Plum! I could probably write another Stephanie Plum book right off the top of my head…Grandma has gunmetal-gray hair, Uncle Nestor left them a powder-blue Buick that drives like a “refrigerator on wheels,” Grandpa went to the “big buffet in the sky,” Stephanie botches every fugitive capture, and she can’t choose between Joe (who lives in the house Aunt Rose left him) and Ranger (who wears all black and uses Bulgari Green shower gel). And let’s not forget Bob the dog, who’s always eating stuff he shouldn’t be eating.

      1. NeverNicky*

        And the world’s longest lived hamster, who appears to live on the odd grape and never needs cleaning out…

    7. Tea and Sympathy*

      Or it goes on and on to a strange place. I stopped reading Patricia Cornwell because the main characters seemed to become more and more depressed and in need of therapy. I felt sad for everyone. And I really like Nevada Barr, whose character works for the park service. There was always interesting stuff about parks, animals and/or hiking and camping along with the murder mystery. But her latest book was just the main characters lurching from one painful attack to the next one. There really wasn’t much of a plot besides violence. It was very disappointing.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Yes on Patricia Cornwell. It felt like, after a certain point, that she was in a bad business relationship with all her characters and that she was just putting them through as much misery as possible.

      2. Clumsy Ninja*

        I loved Patricia Cornwell’s books for the longest time! Even though they gave me nightmares, they were so well-written. And then she got to a point where I don’t know if she just was done, or she was using a ghostwriter, or what…..but they just weren’t that great anymore.

    8. TexasRose*

      Victoria Laurie’s Psychic Eye series borders on the “too stupid to live” problem, but IMO just squeaks by because of the series explanation of the psychic effects: if you make your living by relying on psychic powers that provide general, cryptic guidance, you really CAN’T override the instructions with too much logic or caution. The books are still a fun read, and the author wisely ended the series when the protagonist and her husband had to enter the Witness Protection program to escape the bad guys… (She pulled it off, really.) It’s fluff, but fun, and there is _some_ character growth. First one is called Psychic Eye.

      If you are looking for an excellent series with character growth and lots of action, try Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson and Alpha and Omega series (both set in the same world, with werewolves, vampires, the fae, PLUS all those interesting supernatural NON-European entities as well…) Believable and many sympathetic characters, good plotting, good romance, politics, etc. These are best if read in sequence.

  5. Road trip!!!*

    Does anyone know of a US hotel company that is leaving its rooms empty overnight between guests?

    1. NotADoctor (Don't even play one on TV)*

      I had a look around for you but didn’t find anything. they all seem to be focusing on cleaning and visible verification of sterilization process (stuff like a sealing the room door and putting stickers or whatever on remotes, glasses, etc). I get where you are coming from though because I heard a guy on NPR saying that the virus is dead on most surfaces after 24 hours.

      Honestly though, I would be more concerned about the A/C and recirculation of air and would want to know policies on cleaning filters and how old their systems are. Hotels are maybe not as bad as cruise ships, but it still feels like they could be a similar breeding ground. (Although maybe my fear/bias is coming from what I remember of Legionnaire’s Disease, which is bacterial and can grow in the air filters of poorly maintained air conditioners, so not the same thing as getting germs sucked into the system and then recirculated into a different room.)

      Saying all that (and it pains me to say this because I have Problems with AirBnB), but if you were concerned, it seems like maybe a good alternative to a hotel room would be an AirBnB house/flat rental where you book an extra day or two (depending on your comfort level and budget) before you plan on being there.

    2. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Unfortunately, not that I know of… at least not one that’s publicly announcing it as policy.

      I had an out-of-state vacation scheduled late this month and would have canceled it regardless, but was curious to see what practices hotels had in place these days, so I did some searching around the web site. I found absolutely, positively nothing. Just business as usual. This was a Clarion Inn, one of the Choice Hotels brands. They didn’t even send one of thosr phony-baloney “All the stuff we’re doing to stop COVID” emails that every business and their mother, including even a local bowling alley, sent out when this all started. Hilton, which owns Hampton Inn–where I have a stay scheduled in August– also has sent and posted nothing regarding changes in protocols. It does not inspire confidence.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Update: Hilton, as of June 1, is only this month rolling out increased protocols thanks to a new corporate partnership with Lysol.

        No mention made of leaving rooms empty for a night between stays.

    3. Moving cross-country*

      I am currently in the process of moving cross-country, so I can tell you that a number of Airbnbs are advertising that they are leaving X days between guests and you can tell that it’s probably accurate by their calendar (but also because they’re having a hard time getting guests due to COVID-19). A number of them also mention increased sanitation proceedures. YMMV by area, of course, and it will depend on how much you trust people, but I’m also moving to an area with a low incidence rate and not staying in a tourist-popular area so I feel that it’s more on me to be careful that I don’t contract it and then infect others through my traveling (I have to fly on a plane for this move).

    4. Sled dog mama*

      I didn’t find anything in websites but when I called a couple of hotels a few weeks ago (had a stay for work that I couldn’t avoid) the 3 I contacted said they were waiting 72 hours after checkout before housekeeping enters the room. When I was looking at booking each hotel noted limited availability on their website, this was why I called I was worried they were packed but they told me the limited availability was due to keeping rooms out of service for so long between guests. All the places I checked with were IHG properties (Holiday Inn/Express, Kimpton, Candlewood, etc) so I suspect but don’t know it’s a corporate policy.
      This was mid May but I wouldn’t think much has changed.

    5. Not A Girl Boss*

      Hmm this is interesting. We’ve had 0 luck booking any hotel rooms in surrounding states (anywhere in New England), because each state has a 2 week isolation period requirement for out of state visitors. So the minimum hotel stay you can book is 2 weeks, and have to prove essential travel status.

    6. Sunflower*

      I heard Marriott was doing 72 hours between guests but this was probably 6 weeks ago and not sure it’s still the case. Chains at this point should have publicly available cleanliness procedures and details.

    7. acmx*

      Hilton brands. Probably Hyatt, Marriott (can’t recall if these chains merged) Holiday Inn etc. These are the ones we use for work.

      Hilton brand said they left rooms 3 days. You can do digital check in / key, also if you want to avoid people.

      Looks like you’re asking due to a road trip but if you can plan it a little, call and ask the hotels at your stopping point. I travel for work so I have other needs but I call the hotel ahead (to see if they have shuttle service etc).

      1. acmx*

        Whoops, didn’t finish my thought. I call ahead because not all hotels within the brand still offer all of the services. Sometimes the restaurant is doing take out, sometimes not. Shuttle service is limited etc.

  6. MistOrMister*

    Agatha Christie fans: do you prefer Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple? I’ve always favored Miss Marple and wish Agatha Chrisite had written more stories on her. I like Poirot as well, but something about Miss Marple tickles my fancy.

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Poirot! In the books, at least. I think he was the more active of the two, which fits my preferences just a smidge better. But Miss Marple is lovely and charming in her own right.

      1. MistOrMister*

        One thing that bothers me about Poirot on screen is his mustache. The books go out of their way to describe his luxuriant mustache and yet the movies/shows I’ve seen do not do justice to that mustache.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I can’t imagine anyone other than David Suchet or Joan Hickson playing Poirot or Marple respectively.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Have you seen the new Murder On The Orient Express? They really do the mustache.

          1. Vina*

            That’s one area (of many), where Branagh’s version is closer to what Christie intended.

            I’m a huge fan of David Suchet, but his show isn’t the only way to accurately portray what she intended.

            And I really hate the Lumet version. Bad acting, not in the spirit of who Poirot was in the books, to me.

            And the movie is gorgeous. Also, I love Michelle Pfieiffer in it.

            1. Vina*

              PS Christopher Walker beats Sean Connery any day of the week in terms of acting ability.

            3. Traffic_Spiral*

              Branagh’s version struck me as just a little too kind, cheerful, and likeable to be completely true to canon – but I liked him immensely.

              1. allathian*

                I enjoyed the movie and I’m looking forward to Death on the Nile whenever it comes out. That said, it took almost half the movie before I was comfortable with Branagh. For one thing, he was far too physical for my liking. David Suchet’s said in his biography Poirot and Me (shouldn’t that be Poirot and I?) that he feels Poirot is asexual, and yeah, I sort of get that vibe from Suchet’s version. I didn’t get that vibe from Branagh. If you like Suchet’s Poirot, I recommend the book.

                1. Just Another Manic Millie*

                  Oh, I never thought that Poirot was asexual! He was so attracted to Ariadne Oliver in a number of books. I think that he never made a move because he thought that she was out of his league.

                4. pancakes*

                  Same here, kind of — I didn’t like Branagh as Poirot but enjoyed the movie anyhow.

                5. Nessun*

                  I much preferred Suchet over Branagh, but I have never been a Branagh fan. Ironically his ego projects off the screen and makes him impossible to see as any character but himself…given Poirot’s towering ego I had hoped it would work, but nah, I go back to earlier versions of Orient Express for a better time. I will almost definitely watch his Death on The Nile though, if only for new Christie in my life.

                6. RagingADHD*

                  Yes, I got the impression that his fascination with the Countess was romantic and emotional, but not in any way physical. There are certainly a lot of folks whose feelings operate that way.

                  His connection to Ms Oliver always struck me as being a very friendly camaraderie and liking, but not any more romantic or sexual than his relationship with Hastings or Miss Lemon.

                7. pancakes*

                  Nessun, I haven’t seen many Branagh movies but I can definitely see having that impression! I just saw My Week with Marilyn recently, though, in which he plays Laurence Olivier, and it works perfectly with his character there.

                8. allathian*

                  Poirot might be asexual but he’s not aromantic. I think I need to read some of the books with Ariadne Oliver again to get another look at how Christie wrote the character. They could have been simply very good friends.
                  Certainly there was nothing either romantic or sexual between Poirot and Miss Lemon, whom he admired as an efficient secretary.
                  Poirot was fascinated by Countess Rossakoff to the point that he made sure she wasn’t prosecuted for jewel theft, but he made very sure she returned the jewels he caught her stealing.
                  One thing that always surprised me about Poirot was his willingness to allow criminals to commit suicide rather than face justice (and hanging, at least in most of Christie’s works). This happens quite often in the major books, such as Death on the Nile, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, and The Hollow, and there are probably more. Or else he lets them get away with it, if the victim was a criminal, as happened in The Murder on the Orient Express.

                9. BetsCounts*

                  It was too difficult for me to see Branagh, almost the quintessential englishman, as Belgian. But the rest of the cast was phenomenal.

              2. KoiFeeder*

                Huh. I guess I’m weird, but for all that Poirot has been egotistical and morose at times, I never got the feeling from the books that he was anything but inherently kind. It may not be so obvious as in Branagh’s version, but it’s there.

                1. RagingADHD*

                  Haven’t seen the Branagh yet to compare, but yes Suchet’s version is kind. And of course deeply moral about the value of human life.

                  Though there is also pettiness and vanity and bit of cynicism to him. He gets irritated and can be very condescending to Hastings.

                  Not enough to make me like him any less, though.

                3. pancakes*

                  I agree with that, RagingADHD, and would add that he’s generous with his friends, too. I love when he insists on cooking for Hastings and fusses over the meal. He’s very vain and thin-skinned at times but there’s often an element of comedy in it.

                4. Traffic_Spiral*

                  Oh, OG Poirot is kind, yes, it’s just that Branagh’s is, like you say, more… ‘obvious.’

    2. Sophia*

      I love Miss Marple. To the point that as a kid, my fantasy of adult life was to be Miss Marple. I think it really encouraged observing people’s behavior and making connections and I still do this. Also interesting to observe that Miss Marple is effective by blending in and Poirot by standing out. I also like Tommy and Tuppence.

    3. allathian*

      I like both, but generally I prefer Poirot. Granted, his pernickety ways and vanity irritate me occasionally, but Miss Marple’s excessive modesty both when presenting her solutions and as an older unmarried and sexually inexperienced woman grate on my nerves. That sort of feminine abasement is so foreign to my nature that it’s hard for me to deal with it. In addition, I think most Poirot mysteries are more complex and intriguing than the Marple ones.
      That said, I far prefer Miss Marple to Tommy and Tuppence or any of the other standalones, with the sole exception of And Then There Were None (I own a paperback first edition of this book, with the extremely non-PC name), which is less of a mystery and more of a thriller.

      2. Vina*

        Have you seen the version from a few years ago with Adien Turner and Toby Stephens in it?

        1. allathian*

          Yes, I have. I enjoyed the miniseries, but I don’t like them in the books as much as Poirot and Miss Marple.

      3. MistOrMister*

        To me Poirot is a little too bombastic. He can be very kind, but the way he treats Hastings a lot of the times rubs my nerves the wrong way. I am happy with Miss Marple as a product of her times. A modern character acting the way she does would be a huge turn off, though. I don’t care for Tommy and Tuppence at all…I think I read one od their books and scoffed at the rest.

        And Then There Were None is such a good book. Had me on the absolute edge of my seat the first time I read it. The only standalone book I remember enjoying is Sparkling Cyanide. Although I believ we get Superintendent Battle in that one – can’t remember for sure if it’s him but it’s definitely someone from the Poirot series.

        All of those are better than that Black Coffee book, in my estimation. The library fooled me. I thought someone had discovered an unpublished Poirot book. Turned out some guy was writing in Christie’s “style”. I thought it was complete hooey. It wasnt true to her at all! Can’t believe they even got it published. I don’t think it was necessarily a bad book. But if you tell me something is Christie-esque, you can’t deliver just any old thing!

        1. allathian*

          Sparkling Cyanide features Colonel Race, a recurring character in several books. He appears with Poirot in Cards on the Table and Death on the Nile, and as a standalone character in The Man in the Brown Suit. Sparkling Cyanide is a novel that’s based on the short story Yellow Iris that has the same basic plot. I haven’t read the story, but it was filmed as one of the early Poirots featuring David Suchet.
          AFAIK Black Coffee is a novelization based on a script for a play by Christie. I haven’t read it. I have read a couple of Poirot novels by Sophie Hannah. They’re okay, I guess, but the crimes are too macabre to have been written by Christie.

        2. Kate*

          Ugh, I hated the books that were rewritten from Christie’s play to book “in Christie’s style” – it seems that the writer just took some recurring phrases and stuck them everywhere. And I know those phrases are in Christie’s own books, too, but somehow not so blatantly.
          There was another book that was about Poirot but not by Christie, and it was nothing like the actual books. Why oh why couldn’t the author just make up a detective on his own?? Ugh.

      4. Observer*

        To me Miss Marple is an excellent example of a certain type of adaptability. She’s only modest in presentation, but she absolutely believes in herself. It’s not just the times she says or implies that her nephew, the Inspector or whoever else is naive. It’s just something about the way she presents that indicates that the fluff is just an exterior, a way to get people comfortable enough to listen to the core.

        1. allathian*

          That’s true. But it’s just that the necessity of abasing yourself as a woman to get heard at all grates on me. Reading this blog, I realize that in the professional world it’s very much still an issue in many places, especially the US. I’m sure it exists in some way in my culture as well, but perhaps less so than in some others. I’ve certainly never felt unheard at work because I’m a woman, and a fat one at that.

    4. Millicent*

      I think I’m on Team Ariadne Oliver! She was an author who kept stumbling into murders and whatnot.

      I still like Poirot, and Marple is good because of the quiet village life teeming with murderous intentions setting. Miss Marple as a character kind of annoyed me though.

      1. Vina*

        I love her. I also love the portrayal of her int he Suchet books.

        For Poirot fans – watch Father Brown. Christie was a fan. She allegedly took the name Hercule from Flambleau.

        1. allathian*

          I like Father Brown. And I agree, the feeling is fairly similar to Poirot. Although to be honest, Father Brown is a much more ordinary kind of person than Poirot. He’s smart but not a genius like Poirot, at least in the show.

          I like Ariadne Oliver! She seems like Christie’s alter ego. I think Agatha Christie was a bit tired of fan and publisher demands for more Poirot books, but couldn’t stop writing them due to demand. I also like Zoë Wanamaker’s performance.

      2. MistOrMister*

        Oh, I adore Ariadne Oliver!! Whemever I write I like to have tea and an apple when I start, in nod to Mrs. Oliver’s bursting apple bag and random apple cores. She is such a fun character.

    5. sswj*

      I much prefer Miss Marple. Poirot is too full of himself. And for some reason I can’t get into the Tommy and Tuppence books.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Miss Marple for me, though I have enjoyed some of the Poirot tales as well. But my favorite Christie stories are the “mysterious Mr. Quin” ones – mystery-with-a-hint-of-magic, usually in the service of lovers (living or dead).

      1. RagingADHD*

        I love Mr. Quin. Though I did read an entire Quin story collection in one sitting once, and it left me very unsettled. Some of those are very dark.

          1. Morticia*

            If you haven’t read them yet, you’re in for a treat. I’m definitely Team Quin. I also loved Parker Pyne.

            1. Observer*

              Parker Pyne is much more light hearted, though. A lot of the Harley Quinn stories are dark.

    7. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      I stan one (1) elderly detective and her name is Jane Marple <3 I don't dislike Poirot, but an elderly single woman solving crimes via her deep knowledge of human nature??? Yes. A thousand times yes.

      1. KaciHall*

        Same here. I love that she doesn’t think she’s all that special, she just pays attention to people! Whereas Poirot is horribly stuck up and generally obnoxious.

    9. Mystery Bookworm*

      I prefer Poirot, but that’s really because I prefer Hastings.

      Captain Hastings and his pechant for auburn hair charmed younger me so much.

      1. Hound Mom*

        I am in the minority as I love Timmy and Tuppence but enjoy Poiroy more than Miss Markle. I really liked the Mr. Quinn. On Kindle there are a couple of early versions of her novels and a book about all of Christie’s notes in her notebooks.

        1. Kate*

          Last year, I took the “Partner in Crime” and looked up all the authors that they had referred at. I think there was one author whose books I didn’t manage to find un Gutenberg, but the rest took me months to dig through. I found a new favourite detective in Thorndyke!

        2. Clisby*

          I like the Tommy & Tuppence books, but not the TV versions. To me, they didn’t capture the humor of T&T.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Hastings’ point of view almost always led me down the wrong path on who to suspect. He seemed like a nice person, but I preferred it when he wasn’t in the books.

        1. pancakes*

          Ha! I don’t have strong feelings about him in the books but I like Hugh Fraser as Hastings on the show a lot.

          1. allathian*

            Me too. Poirot needs a sidekick of some kind to explain his discoveries to so it doesn’t feel like a big infodump on the reader/viewer. If not Hastings, then Battle, Japp or some random character. Although it’s cool when that random character turns out to be the criminal.

            1. pancakes*

              Good point! And now that I think about it, other detectives have similar relationships — if not a sidekick, someone very close to them, like Roderick Alleyn and Agatha Troy or Lord Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane.

              1. allathian*

                Or even Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. It’s amazing to think that Conan Doyle was still writing Holmes stories when Christie was starting out as an author 100 years ago.

    10. Pharmgirl*

      I haven’t read many of the stories for either, but I loved Geraldine Mcewan’s Miss Marple! The

    11. Karou*

      Marple! I haven’t read many of the Poirot books but I can’t stand Poirot’s arrogance and how he keeps clues to himself—part of the fun of mysteries for me is trying to figure out the culprit along with the sleuth, which I cant really do when he keeps important information from the other characters and therefore the reader as well.

      1. allathian*

        Oh, no, Christie is scrupulously honest with the clues. She tells the reader everything they need to know to basically solve the mystery, just not the conclusions that Poirot draws from the clues until the final resolution. Some other mystery authors are much less honest with this and come in with new information before the end. That feels like cheating to me. I’ve read the books so often that I know who did it when I start reading, and then it’s cool to just watch the pertinent clues popping up one after the other. Of course, she does plant the occasional red herring too, or it wouldn’t be any fun!

    12. Academia blues*

      David Suchet’s Poirot is the only one for me. I still remember the opening music theme.

      I always found Miss Marple to be too scary. She’s tough as nails and her friendly old lady facade doesn’t fool anyone. I would never risk crossing her. Poirot, on the other hand, is funny and harmless.

      1. allathian*

        He’s very good at making that impression, with his pernickety ways and odd mannerisms. But he’s not harmless, as countless criminals have discovered to their cost.

      2. BetsCounts*

        I read an analysis of ‘The Murder of Roger Ackroyd’ that hypothesized that the doctors sister, who has a lot in common with Miss Marple, was actually the murderer and the doctor confessed to safe her.

    13. The Other Nigel*

      In the books, I prefer Miss Marple. I find the written Poirot to be irritating, and not in a good way.

      But I loved David Suchet’s portrayal of Poirot. He was irritating, arrogant, fussy and very intelligent in just the right amount. Prior to that, Poirot had always been played as a bit of a comedic character.

      One more thing (sorry, wrong detective): in the Joan Hickson “Miss Marple” show, there was inevitably a brief shot where Miss Marple would pause, and stare into space. There would be a musical sting. That usually meant that something in the immediately previous scene was the vital clue. In the days before DVRs, this was very annoying :)

      1. allathian*

        I remember this! I like both Geraldine McEwan and Joan Hickson as Miss Marple, and the pauses certainly always gave me pause, too.

    14. Miss Dove*

      Personally, I prefer Christie’s books that aren’t Poirot or Marple. _Passenger to Frankfort_ and _Destination: Unknown_ are two of my favorites. I’m also a big Mr. Quinn fan.

      1. MizPurple*

        I like both Marple and Poirot – Marple a bit more. But there are a few non-mystery books that Christie wrote under the pseudonym Mary Westmacott, and these are really interesting, especially one called Absent in the Spring. I’ve always wanted to see a movie version of that one. It’s kind of like the Barbara Vine pseudonym used by Ruth Rendell (another GREAT and prolific mystery author).

        1. BetsCounts*

          Oh my gosh Absent in the Spring was BRUTAL. Just BRUTAL. It was interesting to read about an unreliable narrator slowly becoming more aware and reliable.

      2. allathian*

        I guess I should read those, too. It’s just that whenever I’m browsing Christie’s books in a bookstore and there’s one I don’t own yet, I’m more likely to buy it if it’s either Poirot or Marple… I haven’t read any of the Mary Westmacott novels yet.

    15. Square Root of Minus One*

      I don’t prefer either. If anything, I actually prefer that they are both here: I find it fascinating that the same author could imagine and depict those two incredibly different and equally successful ways of crime-solving. As far as I know (not super far tbh) the feat hasn’t been reiterated, or not as well.
      Most of my favorite novels involve Poirot, though. Almost all cases where Poirot himself can be led astray during the case, while I absolutely cannot name one case like this with Miss Marple off the top of my head.

      1. Observer*

        I agree that it’s fascinating that she managed to create two such different characters, very completely.

    16. KoiFeeder*

      I could never enjoy Miss Marple, but that may just be because my view of human nature wildly differs from hers. Possibly also because I’m autistic and human behavior is the greatest mystery of all.

      1. allathian*

        That’s an interesting take on it. My biggest gripe with the Marple novels is not that she’s observant of human nature, because in a village where everyone knows everyone else, there’s really no such thing as privacy. It’s is rather the way she draws parallels between people, as if they were machines bound to follow a predestined pattern. That maid reminds her of the other maid who stole her spoons, so she must also be the thief, etc.
        In these days when death has replaced sex as the great unmentionable subject, it feels at times really odd to read about, say, a murder that was committed to prevent someone from spreading the information that someone else had a child without being married. It simply wouldn’t be an issue today, at least not in largely secular circles in the West where virgin brides are an exception rather than the expected norm.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          > It’s is rather the way she draws parallels between people, as if they were machines bound to follow a predestined pattern.

          Oh, I agree! If you could assign people to patterns, I’d be a whole lot better at this whole social interaction thing. I suppose one way to put my view of things is that human beings are animals which are incredibly contrary about the fact that they are animals, so they’re just as likely to do the absurd as they are to do the sensible.

        2. Observer*

          I don’t think that she sees people as machines destined to follow a certain path. What I find interesting is WHY one person reminds her of another person. It’s never about externals but about behavior patterns – and patterns that most people overlook.

          Like why would someone be carrying an umbrella on a sunny day? Who else do I know that did something like that?

    17. RagingADHD*

      I like the two detectives equally, but IMO the Poirot stories have more variety in them of setting, tone, etc. I feel like the Marple stories have a bit more character development in the secondary characters.

      Overall, I’d be hard pressed to choose one over the other!

      If you like Marple, have you read any of the Miss Silver books by Patricia Wentworth? They are a bit formulaic, so I wouldn’t advise bingeing them. But they are charming and have that gentle Marple-y feel.

    18. Chaordic One*

      I’m more of a Miss Marple fan. She seems so down-to-earth and sensible. Like someone you could imagine running into and having as a friend or at least make interesting small talk with. In fact, I’ve run into people who, at least superficially, do seem to be a bit like Jane.

      Poirot always seems a bit pretentious and affected (and it is not because he’s French). It’s his affected dress and the ridiculous facial hair. I can’t imagine running into someone like him or someone like him having a sincere interest in me or someone like me.

      2. allathian*

        Oh, I don’t know. Poirot is simply interested in humans as humans. He talks to servants like the thinking, feeling humans they are, which means he can get information from them, rather than treating them as nonentities (which upper-class people need to do, or they wouldn’t be able to dump their dirty underwear to be washed, by hand, by someone else). That said, he’s also a staunch royalist and accepts as given that the aristocracy are allowed more leeway before the law than the other classes, except in the case of murder.

    19. Koala dreams*

      I have different favourite books depending on where I’m in life. They are good in different ways. As I get older, I also understand more of the humour in Christie’s books, so I have more appreciation for the relationship between Hastings and Poirot, as well as the charming (or not so charming) characters in the Miss Marple books. However, I also find the Miss Marple books more sad. So many tragic things! The tragic things in the Poirot books seem less real, somehow, and easier to smile at.

      I had a period in my twenties where I absolutely adored the Tommy and Tuppence books. Now I’m getting more and more fond of Ariadne Oliver. The animal themed clothes and the apples! Some day I’ll get my own shirt with flamingos on it, or something like that.

    20. RC Rascal*

      I am on Team Poirot. Despite being persnickety, Poirot spends most of his time in interesting places. The locations are always colorful and glamorous, plus he is sartorially inclined and Christie devotes lots of space describing the locales and what he is wearing. It catches my imagination.

      Marple is usually in St Mary Meade, or another similar locale. If she travels, its on a house tour or estate tour. I find it stuffy and generally find her to be annoying. I have a hard time finishing her books.

      I don’t like any of the film versions as much as the books. Suchet does capture Poirot’s fussiness well, I admit. And I like the 1970s Murder on the Orient Express simply because its a smorgasboard of the best stars in Hollywood from that decade.

      1. allathian*

        Have you read The Caribbean Mystery? It’s the only case Miss Marple solves abroad. It’s one of my favorite Marple books. I do have a few issues with Christie’s portrayal of the island natives, but she does a far better job than some of her contemporaries. After all, she was a well-traveled woman of her time. In the 1920s she went on a tour around the world, or rather the British Empire, with her then-husband Archie Christie, and later she traveled a lot in the Middle East with her archeologist husband Sir Max Mallowan.
        I like the fact that she put so much of her life into her own books. During the first world war she worked at a hospital dispensary, and while she had no formal training as a pharmacist, she learned a lot about drugs and poisons and how they affect people. That’s one reason why most of her murders are committed with poison, because she knows poisons. I read somewhere that she could never tell a revolver and an automatic apart, which is why guns didn’t feature much in her books.

    21. Emilitron*

      Miss Marple, because we both love Damson gin. :) And because she was as sharp of a lady as Christie probably felt it was safe to write.

    22. Fellow Traveler*

      I’m a Miss Marple fan, but I think that is mostly because I don’t love first person narratives, and many of the Poirots are recounted by Hastings. Maybe that is a superficial reason?

  7. Mid*

    What are your go-to breakup survival moves? It’s breakup season in my friend group apparently.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh brilliant! I thought it meant moves also >.<
        I'd go with eating ice cream, crying, talking it over with friends.
        As for movies, I prefer anything non-romantic. Something cheesy with lots of action in that's easy to watch, like the "fallen" films.

        1. allathian*

          It’s been so long since I last broke up (23 years!) that I can’t really remember what I did. It was a long time coming, though, so I felt relieved rather than sad or depressed.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Pretty much anything non-romantic. Action, comedy, drama – doesn’t matter so long as there’s no smooching.

    3. Mystery Bookworm*

      Personally I’ve always found dry, slightly cynical comedies to be the best for me when I’m not feeling my best (things that are too cheerful tend to make it worse somehow). So stuff like Little Miss Sunshine, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, almost anything directed by Nicole Holofcener or Noah Baumbach.

      I also found the This American Life episode on breakups to be comforting.

    4. Sunflower*

      500 days of Summer ALWAYS. It’s one of my favorite movies in general but I always feel hopeful and reinforces that the relationship was probably not all sunny skies and rainbows.

      I also vote for mindless TV(Old MTV reality seasons, Sex and the city) or series that keep you super enthralled (I watch Alias when I’m looking for something like that).

    5. Generic Name*

      Not a movie, but shortly after my ex husband moved out, I suddenly found myself in charge of the remote with nothing to watch (we always watched what he wanted to watch). I watched the entire series of How I Met Your Mother, which I had never seen before. It had enough of a narrative arc to keep me interested, but not too much of one that it didn’t matter if I was a bit distracted or unfocused sometimes. :)

      1. Johanna ky*

        I love the scene in New Girl where Jess watches Dirty Dancing and later, her roommates sort of sing the song to her at a restaurant.

    6. Morningstar*

      Under the Tuscan Sun? Sad because the main character gets a divorce, but then she goes on an adventure & has a happy ending without necessarily needing to be coupled up.

    7. I love my dog.*

      Not necessarily a “go to” since I only did it once, but during my last bad break up, I got a dog, haha.

      My dog had some behavior problems (sort of like my ex) and it was great to channel my energy into helping him become a Good Boy vs. pining for my ex. When I got back into the dating scene, it was so much easier to walk away from people I wasn’t into/accept when people weren’t into me because I had someone waiting at home who loved me unconditionally.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      Walks in nature with the trees, birds, and sunshine have been helpful for me. Then again, I find that to be true in every circumstance.

    9. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      Looks like you got a lot of movies when you didn’t want them, Mid. Personally, when I was dumped, I played a lot of heavy metal and other aggressive music, took lots of random drives to clear my head, went to bookstores and just read all day and chilled out (probably not an option now unfortunately), and took up distance running. The latter was the most effective. I’ve been married nearly 10 years now and still do weekend long runs.

    10. Usually Late to the Party*

      Every time i go through a breakup I re-read On Beauty by Zadie Smith.

    11. Zona the Great*

      Tinder and fine healthy sex on dates. Drinking during the day when needed. Cats. Binge watching trash reality shows. Cleaning the house.

    12. Treebeardette*

      I went through that a few years ago. It’s hard honestly. I still dream about my ex friends because I really did love them a lot but it was getting really mentaly unhealthy.
      I took up jogging, I focused on being selfish or self focused. I traveled to Mexico a couple times on cruises and planned trips with my family. In four years I’ve been to Mexico twice, Bahamas, Disney World, Universal Studios, and traveled a lot across country. I loved traveling. I also started a Master’s degree.
      Basically everything I felt a desire to do, even if I was a little afraid, I did. I learned more about myself and took time to find friends that treated people more how I would. I also found some travel buddies. I made a great support network.

    13. LegallyRed*

      When my ex-husband moved out, I tried to embrace things that I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) have done while he was still living with me. One of the big ones was scented candles. Suddenly, I didn’t need to consult someone else before choosing a fragrance — I could get whatever *I* liked. Also, jigsaw puzzles at the dining room table — I could finally leave out the same puzzle for over a week and work on it periodically, since I didn’t care about not eating at the table.

      For TV/movies, I tended to prefer re-watching old favorites so I wasn’t blindsided by any content that might trigger my emotions too acutely. Weeds is my go-to because my life choices will always look better in comparison to Nancy Botwin’s.

      1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        I’ve done this too, after each of my two post-divorce LTRs ended. (When I left my ex-husband, the list of things I couldn’t have done if I was still with him looked a lot like “pretty much anything fun”, so that was easy.) After my last breakup 4.5 years ago, I went to dozens of live music shows in the first year after the breakup, because my ex had a weird combination of hearing issues and near-perfect pitch and who knows what else, which made it impossible for him to listen to basically any music I liked. I spent a year catching up on what I’d missed out on while I was with him.

    14. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      No movies to recommend, but I have a Spotify playlist that I keep around for these situations. I play it on repeat for a few weeks until I feel better.

  8. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Anyone have any good slapstick comedy stories from real life?

    I was sitting in a chair putting pants on my toddler this morning, stood up to pull them up and apparently looked like I was done because my husband moved the chair. I didn’t notice because my toddler was squirming all over the place, and so I sat back down on nothing! I was peeved at the time, but now I think it is funny: the oldest trick in the book! Of course, he didn’t mean to do it, and was quite apologetic. :)

    1. Egg*

      One of my favorites is from when I went to get my first driver’s license a million years ago.

      I chose a seat towards the back of the room, because at 16 I was soooo cool and in class you always tried to sit in the back. When they called my name, I got up and confidently started up the aisle. I then proceeded to somehow catch my foot on the leg of a chair along the aisle. I was unable to extricate myself and made an unholy amount of noise wrestling with this chair. When I finally managed to get free, I resume walking up to the counter….and repeated the entire thing with the very next chair in the line. It is not an exaggeration to say that by the time I FINALLY freed myself and moved to the center of the aisle, everyone in the DMV was staring at me. All I can say is thank the good lord this happened way before smart phones or I would likely be an unwilling internet star!

      1. WellRed*

        Thank you for sharing this, I may come back later and reread so I can experience it all over again (i’m one of those people that likes to watch videos of people falling when they are trying to look cool.

    2. Ismis*

      I think it was my second day at a new job and the organiser of a meeting realised about 10 minutes in that they had forgotten to invite me so rang and asked if I could join. I arrived into a packed meeting room and sidled my way past senior managers to the front where the last chair was blocking the projector screen. I couldn’t drag it out of the way because it was all caught up in cables and when I picked it up, the bottom of the chair fell off!

      A couple of weeks later, one of the managers asked if anyone had some chocolate. When I threw it to him, it bounced off the top of his monitor and hit him in the face.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Here’s mine. Once at that place we don’t discuss on weekends (Alison, I hope this is okay for the weekend thread), I went to the kitchen to put a dirty dish in the dishwasher. I rinsed it first, then put my wet hand on the dishwasher door to open it. My fingertip slid into an unseen gap and was completely stuck. I managed to reach the kitchen door with my other hand and hold it open, waiting until someone came into the hallway while my finger started swelling and got more painful. After about 10 minutes, I heard a door open down the hall and shouted that I needed help in the kitchen.

      Somehow it was appropriate that the person who responded was the insurance agent there for a a meeting, only a few weeks after his session on reducing injuries. He went and got the EMT on our staff, who was on a conference call with his headset on. What followed was a sequence of various people looking for tools to take the dishwasher door apart, an appearance by the building maintenance person, someone bringing me tissues because the pain made me get teary-eyed, the EMT saying to whomever he was talking to “Right now I’m taking apart a dishwasher door,” three of us balancing the door so it didn’t hurt me further as I lowered myself to the floor, and eventually the EMT managing to unscrew the entire door off the dishwasher. Then he and the insurance agent pushed apart the offending plastic piece far enough that I was able to pull out my finger.

      I ended up with just a small cut and we all laughed about it. The building maintenance guy had to put the dishwasher back together.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      Years ago I was visiting friends who were having a barbecue in their back garden. I went to go into the house to fetch something and walked straight into the glass patio door (which had been open throughout the even but was now closed). There was a resounding “doink” as forehead met double glazing and the wine in my glass went up in the air (like a fountain, according to one observer) and down onto my head. It even got in my eye but I washed it out by crying with laughter along with everyone else.

      Also once at a party my (silk satin, tie waisted) skirt came loose and fell CLEAN OFF. I mean straight to the floor in an instant. Fortunately I was amongst girlfriends I’d known years. And was wearing a waist slip.

      1. Ismis*

        I walked into a glass door as well once! I was rushing to leave and when I came back, I could see the imprint of my face in the glass. Apparently I realised just before I hit the door because my mouth was in the shape of an o.

      2. LPUK*

        I wasn’t quite so lucky! Once a wore a lightweight circular skirt that only fastened with one button out to dinner and after the meal, feeling constricted, undid the button while we continued to sit there. Unfortunately I forgot to do it back up when I left… made it out of the restaurant but once on the street, the skirt drifted down to fall around my ankles on the pavement. NO slip and suspenders! ( garters in America). Grateful it was dark outside.

        And my poor mother… we went out to posh dinner and waiter took us to a table alongside a business dinner – about 12 men. Waiter went to help her off with her jacket, so she turned her back to him, facing the men, and as he pulled off her tight-fitting jacket, the front buttons on the shirtwaist dress came undone, and he pulled the top of her dress down to her waist, along with the jacket… leaving her in a half-cup bra in from of all those men!! Good thing no one can actually die of embarrassment.

      3. MistOrMister*

        Ah, yes! The glass! I walked into a glass wall in a Macy’s once. Been to that mall a thousand times, but i must have got turned around or been in a hurry and next thing I know, THUD!! Of course the couple of teenagers walking by had a hearty laugh at that, as well they should have. Fun times.

      4. willow for now*

        I walked into the glass door on my way out of the divorce lawyer’s office, and I just started crying uncontrollably as I continued out to my car.

      5. AVP*

        Oh no – I did the door thing at a very fancy hotel brunch in front of a bunch of coworkers – it was way too early in the morning for me to be trusted with a plate of food and pristine glass.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      I stood up in a dimly lit restaurant to go to the bathroom, mistook a floor-to-ceiling mirror for a hallway entrance, and waited politely for my oncoming reflection to walk past me. Fatigue was involved, but no alcohol.

      1. lasslisa*

        Oh, there’s a restaurant near me that has a thin strip of mirror on the wall between the two single-person bathrooms, and it’s positioned in a corner such that I ALWAYS walk in and do a double-take because it looks like a gap connecting the two bathrooms. Other friends have commented on it when we go there together, so it’s not just me.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I’ve had my share of pratfalls, but the one that would probably be funniest if captured on video happened when I was in my early teens. In winter, I’d leave my next-day’s school clothes on the radiator so they’d be warm in the morning (a nice feature of forced-hot-water radiators). One chilly morning I went to pull on my knee socks and something jumped inside one! I ripped it off and threw it across the room, hopping on the other foot in the process, and imagining some heat-seeking spider had sheltered inside. When I got up my nerve to retrieve the sock and try to shake out the invader, I found…

      …a penny. Must have got in there via the washing machine, and “hopped” due to the action of the stretchy sock being pulled up over my foot. (But I was careful to check my socks for stray contents for quite a while after that!)

      2. knead me seymour*

        I had the inverse of this situation happen to me, when I was living in Italy in an area where they air-dry all clothes, in all seasons. Partway through the morning I felt something weird in my sock and thought it might be lint or something. I took my sock off and a very confused wasp flew out and went about its business.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I was trying out a human sized hamster wheel type contraption at a museum (actually a replica of some early industrial machinery). The belt to regulate how fast it turned must have been broken because on my first step my feet went out from under me and I landed on my forehead and knee. My Dad was with me and somehow thought I did it on purpose to be funny and was laughing at me. I had a bruise on my forehead and a huge knot on my knee that lasted for months.

    8. Ellen*

      A long, long time ago, I was visiting a local hospital for military personnel (mostly retired) to drop off my boyfriend at the time, who had psychological challenges. The room where I saw him off from was glassed in on three sides. I waved him into the office visit, turned around and walked directly into a wall. I backed up, renegotiated, and walked into the wall on the other side of the door. I was completely prepared to give it another go, but the receptionist (and probably nurse) at the desk made me lay down on a couch “for a moment”. Being fairly passive and young and slightly dazed, I obeyed. Over the next 20 minutes or so, what has to have been every doctor in the place came in, looked at me for several moments, shook their head at the lady at the desk, and left. My boyfriend later told me that evidently “a patient had gotten disoriented and lost, hurt herself walking into a wall, and they couldn’t figure out who her doctor was or even which ward she belonged in” and that was why his appointment took a lot longer than it should have. They did eventually let me go, in the care of my boyfriend (which was a bit of a change for us, as I tended to be regarded as the responsible one).

    9. James*

      A friend and I were walking to class one day in college. We went to college near the Great Lakes, so lake-effect snow was a major issue–I started wearing a beard because I had a mile walk to class every day and there was a real risk of frostbite. Anyway, we got to a point where there was slick ice and, in unison, our right feet flew out in front of us and we landed on our butts. It was like something out of a 3 Stooges or Abbot and Costello bit; it could not have been choreographed better. I couldn’t help but laugh, it was just so absurd. I still get a chuckle out of it.

      Child-rearing has its share of these as well. We went to visit my parents, and my daughter ran up to my father to give him a great big hug. Unfortunately her head was exactly the wrong height and…well, let’s just say it’s a good thing my parents can’t have any more kids!

    10. Stephanie*

      I was on a weekend retreat with my church youth group, a million years ago. It was in February, and we were staying at a camp-type place. There was quite a bit of snow, and the camp had a toboggan/sledding hill. The guys all decided to go down the hill standing on the sleds. surf-style. I was standing at the bottom, watching, but the sun was in my eyes. One of the sled-surfers came flying down and fell off his sled. The sled kept going, in my direction, and it literally knocked my off of my feet. I fell face first into the snow. It happened so fast that I didn’t even have time to put my hands out to catch myself. Everyone thought I was horribly hurt because I stayed down for a beat, but I was fine. When they pulled me to my feet, I was laughing hysterically. I kind of wish I had seen it happen, because it must have been quite a sight.

    11. MRK*

      Happened to my mother but it always leaves me in stitches, especially because my mom is a polite cheery little 60 year old:
      Mom works in a grocery store. An older man comes up to her from the bread aisle looking confused and asking for help finding an item. My mom follows him and they arrive at the jelly/jam section where he’s struggling to find the brand his wife wants. Finally my mom asks to see the shopping list…

      And then ever so politely has to escort him to the health and beauty aisle where they keep the KY jelly

    12. WellRed*

      I just remembered, I have several but all on this variation. In my 20s, worked for a print shop and often did picks up and deliveries. Our little shop was on a corner, big glass windows with parking lot up behind it. I came back with a box containing paper or something and, as I was rounding the corner, the hook on one hiking boot caught on the hook on the other and I went down (I was also on the downward of an incline so I *really* went down), the box and its contents went up in the air. I looked up from my sprawl /face plant to see, the horrified looks through the window of my boss AND the customer he was helping.

      1. FoxyDog*

        I have a similar story, with opposite footwear. I was wearing sandals, and on my way back to my desk the edge of one toe got stuck under the plastic mat that was under my rolling desk chair.

        I tripped, flailed, and did what was probably a hilarious cartoon dance trying not to faceplant straight into the edge my desk.

        The little spikes on the underside of the mat cut my foot up pretty bad, but I managed to avoid breaking my nose or knocking out any teeth at least.

    13. Seal*

      When I was a kid my grandmother would occasionally wear a wig. Not sure why; the wig was more or less the same color as her hair, which she still had. At any rate, my family was hosting a birthday party for my father and my uncle, whose birthdays were within a week of each other’s, and grandmother was there. At the end of the night, I went over to give her a hug goodbye. As I threw my arms around her with a 10-year-old’s enthusiasm, I accidentally snagged her wig and yanked it completely off her head, much to the amusement of our extended family. Grandma laughed as well, but I believe she stopped wearing wigs shortly thereafter, at least to family gatherings.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think that was a thing back in the day; my mum had one too, exactly like her own hair. It wasn’t a sheitel because we’re not Jewish.

    14. Buni*

      I walked in to teach my class once and one of the chairs – those cheap plastic stacking ones with the metal legs – was at the front of the class. I asked why, and it turned out one of the metal legs had corroded through and snapped clean off; apparently one of the kids in the class before had sat down and of course the 3-legged chair had tipped him out. As kids were occasionally coming up and down I picked up the chair leg and stood in front of the chair to ensure no one else tried. I began using the chair leg to gesticulate, to point at kids and the board, to wave around as I spoke.

      I was still holding it 15 minutes later when I stopped speaking, finished with a flourish, and sat down in the nearest chair…

    15. Kathenus*

      This is when to was a little kid, probably about 7. Our pet rabbit had escaped from the patio so my brothers and I and other neighborhood kids were looking for him.

      Someone spotted him and we were all running to that location. Someone called me from behind and I turned my head to look at them, still running, and ran into a telephone pole.

    16. Chaordic One*

      When I was a kid, for some reason, my sisters and my friends were running up onto the picnic table in our back yard and then jumping off while striking ridiculous poses for the fraction of a second when we were in the air. We were kind of using the table like a ramp. The poses were like posing as an Iwo Jima solidier, the Statue of Liberty, or like an Egyptian from a mural in a pyramid.

      So my sister says, “This is how a professional dumb dumb jumps,” and then she runs up onto the picnic table, jumps off, strikes a silly pose and then lands on the grass. Upon landing she hollered, “Oh, oh, I bit my tongue, I bit my tongue.” We all thought it was part of the act at first, and everyone laughed heartily.

      But she really did bite her tongue. She bit a hole in it, it hurt and it bled profusely. Our mother had to take her to the hospital emergency room and they put two stitches in her tongue to close the hole. Still, for those few moments before we knew it was real, it was hysterically funny.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve told this before, I think, but this happened shortly after I met my ex but before we actually started dating (we met on the job—he worked in a factory and I in the cafeteria inside the factory, for a different company). He had come back into the cafeteria from the lunchroom, apparently to spend a bit of time seeing me before his lunch break ended.

      So my supervisor was standing there too, and the three of us were just chatting (ex and I were flirting a bit). I said something like, “Wow, I’m tired,” and proceeded to arch my back in a stretch. Only I leaned back too far and completely fell over —SPLAT— right on the floor.

      I wasn’t hurt and we all laughed, but it was mega embarrassing. We were together for nearly five years and every once in a while, he’d bring it up randomly and laugh like a loon.

    18. FionasHuman*

      CW: blood

      One morning years ago, alone in the apartment I realized I’d waiting way too long for breakfast and my blood sugar level was hovering somewhere around my right little toenail. I had just enough executive function to decide on a piece of toast with peanut butter.

      The bread was in the freezer. I grabbed a knife to separate two slices, and promptly sliced one of my fingers open.

      Then I looked at the bleeding finger and started going into shock. So, while counting 1-10 forwards and backwards in French to counter the shock, I tossed the separated piece of bread in the toaster, rushed to the bathroom, rinsed and wrapped the finger in a clean washcloth and then put the hand on top of my head to help slow/stop the bleeding.

      Back in the kitchen, the toaster pinged — and so, back to the kitchen, slap some peanut butter on the toast with my shaking available hand, and there I stood, with one hand upside down on my head, eating peanut butter toast while counting 1-10 in French.

      The finger was fine, btw, the cut just hit a capillary or two. And when my blood sugar came back up it was easier for me to wash and dress it properly.

      1. Oh Behave!*

        You should watch the episode of Frasier, Three Valentines. Niles cut his finger and hilarity ensues.

    19. knead me seymour*

      I’m not sure if my description can live up to the real event, but once my dog ran straight into a chain link fence at full speed, not realizing it was there. He bounced back in a giant, magnificent arc. It was poetry in motion. I only wish I had video evidence. (He was fine.)

      1. Patty Mayonnaise*

        My entire family laughed out loud at this one! (My son wanted me to read it after I laughed out loud randomly).

      2. Buni*

        My brain is providing…just the BEST sound affects for every action in this sequence…

    20. Ann Furthermore*

      For my daughter’s birthday party last year, we did bowling. The morning of the big event, I took her to the party store to order balloons. We ended up with 2 good sized bunches.

      She had a basketball game before the party, so after it was over I told my husband to take her over to the bowling alley, and I’d pick up the balloons and meet them there.

      I picked up the order and headed to my car. It was REALLY windy outside so they were blowing all over the place. I was trying to figure out how to get them into my car. I have a Nissan Murano. I tried putting them in the passenger seat, but they wouldn’t fit. I tried putting them in the back seat, but again they wouldn’t fit. I opened the back, but they wouldn’t go all the way in because the back seat was in the way. All the while, they were blowing violently around in the wind and I was having a hard time corralling them.

      I’ve only put the back seat down a couple of times, so I couldn’t remember how to do it. I put the balloons down on the ground (each bunch was tied onto one of those balloon weight things) and was trying to figure out how to get the back seat lowered.

      The next thing I know, the wind has picked them up and started carrying them across the parking lot. I just stood there in disbelief watching them.

      Thankfully, some very kind stranger saw it happen and ran and chased them down for me. I finally figured out how to lower the back seat and at last was able to get them all in.

      And of course I had a bunch of texts from my husband asking me what was taking so long.

      I spent the next couple weeks hoping that whole fiasco wouldn’t become a viral video. I’m sure anyone who might have been watching found it pretty hilarious.

    21. Just us chickens*

      Once upon a time, we were in HK at a fairly nice restaurant. This was summertime, so we’re all dressed in shorts and t-shirts. The restaurant was fairly dimly lit for ambience and we’re sitting there having a nice meal. I felt something on my leg, kind of like the tablecloth brushing against it, so I swiped at it and that was fine. Until I felt it again. This time I looked down and there was a cockroach crawling up my leg.

      I jumped up and screamed while trying to get it off my leg. Needless to say, my screaming caused a few heads to turn in my direction. I didn’t care though, as long as that thing was off me, I didn’t care who saw.

      I’m sure the restaurants in HK are much better now.

    22. Devil Girl from Mars*

      A cute guy working at a record store told me he liked my hair and I immediately freaked out and tried to leave and ended up walking smack dab into a glass door.

  9. Frapperia*

    I’m getting a kitten in about… An hour or two? I caved after 12 weeks of not touching another person with no idea when I might ever again… I have done my homework but any top tips?

    1. Lizzie*

      Fantastic! If you have a piece of sheepskin or a woolly scarf that your kitten can knead or suck or snuggle into, that will help them settle. Sometimes I have bought ‘Baby’ (washable) sheepskins for kittens or adult cats, but even a small piece will please a kitten. Maybe you have an old knitted or fur lined hat? A furry collar on an old coat or jacket? Fake fur will do but sheepskin seems to really hit the spot.
      And a word to the wise – a dear little kitten that likes to ride on your shoulder will one day be a 3kg cat that still likes the same spot!

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Towels are good too! And things that smell of you, once you’ve bonded.

        Our cat hated car rides (eg to the vet) until my husband put a towel I’d been using in the cat carrier. Now he just goes to sleep on that instead of complaining increasingly loudly throughout the journey.

      2. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Oh and it’s true about the shoulders, but oh well! My cat is nearly eight and still likes me to carry him on my shoulder like a baby!

    2. TechWorker*

      Yay! We got two last weekend :)
      Check them for fleas (!) hopefully yours has been treated but ours clearly wasn’t and we would have been much more careful if we’d known. (I spent half this week hoovering everything and spraying the whole house).

      Practically this means using washable bedding, restricting them to one room for a bit (good practice anyway so they don’t get scared), checking their bedding for anything that looks like eggs/flea poo (little black/white bits respectively) and combing them to see if you find any flea poo or live fleas in their coat. The latter was easiest to do when they were really sleepy cos then they happily sat and got combed for a while. Live fleas are pretty gross and also surprisingly difficult to kill so make sure you have a cup of soapy water near by to drown them in.

      Good Luck! Enjoy the cuddles :)

      1. TechWorker*

        Oh also – kittens I think are less good at cleaning themselves than older cats. We’ve been trying out different types of litter and found that the one that’s really sandy, although they like it, they’re more likely to track it around the room, sometimes after stepping in their own poo first >.<

        Hopefully yours will be more coordinated (and it’s probably worse with two, usually one of them goes then the other decides they want to get in on the action and the first one moves around and stands in their poo…) but worth watching out for it if you don’t want poo everywhere :p

      2. tangerineRose*

        Watch out for a lot of ear itching – that can mean ear mites. It’s a good idea to get your kitty checked out by a vet not long after you get the kitty.

        1. TechWorker*

          (Yep we would have done this normally but our vets is open only for emergencies cos lockdown…)

      3. nonegiven*

        Also when they are too small for the flea treatments, you can wash them in Dawn and it will kill the fleas. You have to make a ring of it around their neck first because every flea on them will head for their face as soon as you start. Be careful not to get it in their eyes and rub them dry with a towel and hold them close to keep them warm.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Get a second kitten. Seriously. Depending on the temperament and energy level of the kitten, it may need lots of interaction and playtime from you. If you’re not able to keep up with that, you may end up with a kitten who’s destructive, bored, etc. With two kittens, they’ll entertain each other.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        I do wish people wouldn’t routinely give this tip, as cats are actually solitary animals who happily live alone with humans and don’t necessarily want to share their territory.

        1. LPUK*

          Also you then need to double up on everything else – baskets, places to hide off the floor etc so they have their own territory and the recommendation is that you should have one more littertrya than you have cats, so that’s three to clean out every day!

          1. tangerineRose*

            It does mean more litter boxes to have 2, but 1 kitten by itself is bouncing off the walls. 2 kittens together are usually playing together. A kitten has incredible energy – it’s nice to have 2 so they can wear each other out. I’ve got 3 adult cats, and they get along. Some cats like having other kitties around.

        2. sswj*

          No, +some+ cats do not do well in groups, but most domestic cats are pretty social. Look at the feral cat populations and anyone with many multiples of cats. My 4 barn cats are pretty well inseparable, and my 11 house cats don’t all love each other all the time, but they definitely seek out their friends for nap time and play time. My guys aren’t kittens any more either, all are adult and several are well into their teens.

          Getting a 2nd kitten can be a help if you have somewhat limited free time because they can entertain each other, and socialize each other too.

          1. Four-legged fosterer*

            Completely agreed. Tigers are singles but lions and many other large cats are grouped.

            For domestics, in my decades of experience I have seen that they do seek out cat company when possible. Outdoor cats are in colonies. Two cats in a home are often friends, and typically cats who don’t get along with others were separated at a young age and don’t communicate well with their own kind.

            Our rescue requires that young kittens have a buddy, either they are adopted in pairs or to a home that has a friendly cat or dog. Kittens want to play at 2am, and humans do not! If someone wants a single kitten then they can adopt from another rescue or get a slightly older kitten. We get updates and photos from adopters, and their kittens are always snuggled together or with their older sibling.

            I don’t push people to adopt two kittens, but want to push back on Pie’s statement about them being solitary. I would be interested in their experience. Is it based on thousands of cats? (I have fostered hundreds and so have others in the rescues I support)

            1. TechWorker*

              Can I jump in here and ask in your experience how much we should worry about our two kittens play fighting? I’m trying to watch them for signs of whether they’re actually scared (eg that the instigator is not always the same one, body language etc) but they’ve not quite learnt to put their claws away yet and I do worry a bit when one is kicking the other repeatedly in the face! (Especially since one already had a bit of a dodgy eye and is on eye drops for it). What’s your bar for separating them/distracting them vs leaving them be? Obviously aware they probably fight at night when we’re not watching them too :p

              1. Four-legged Fosterer*

                It sounds like you know exactly what to look for. Is it always the same instigator? How is their body language? Also, is one a lot bigger or older than the other?

                Kittens ‘yelp’ (high-pitched “Hey! That hurts!”, same as puppies) when they are injured. In addition to your other signs, I would listen for those sounds, and see if one kitten is making them often. Once or twice in play is normal, although the idea is that they should do it less often as they age because they learn their limits. If they aren’t yelping or squeaking then there is a good chance that they are both enjoying the activity. Although watch when they make the noises as I have had screamers (usually runts) who aren’t at all injured but make the noise as “I am a princess who will instigate play but two minutes later I have had enough thanks”. In those cases the kittens are learning the right lessons, as they stop when there is a yelp, but the yelping is extra loud and frequent and I know the little one isn’t actually hurt. I have had pairs of kittens who are simultaneously and often kicking each other in the head… which is a reminder that little kittens are surprisingly physically resilient (although we lose so many to disease, but that’s a different problem). It is possible that they are being too rough but aren’t making the noises, in which case they wouldn’t be regulating themselves well because they don’t have the right feedback, but that is unlikely.

                I don’t know if this helps, but I also trim the tips of their nails when they are quite little. I do it so that they can be cuddled by humans without scratching me, as their tiny nails are super sharp and easily break skin, and it also helps them get used to nail trims, but it also makes them less lethal to each other.

                If they are very fond of kicking each other then you might try getting ‘kick stick’ / ‘kicker toy’, typically sold at pet stores, so they can maybe redirect away from each other, but chances are good that this is a popular game with them and they prefer to do it to each other.

                Hopefully that helps. Body language is one of those things that is much easier to sort out in person, unfortunately! But at the least I can confirm for you that very physical play and kicking each other in the head is not unusual… !

                1. TechWorker*

                  Thank you all super helpful :) they are from the same litter, one is slightly bigger than the other but the smaller one is a better jumper and I reckon the aggressor slightly more of the time :p

                  They miaow when they want food but play is pretty silent so I don’t think they’re in pain. Will talk to my partner about trimming their nails :) thanks again!

            2. The Other Dawn*

              “Our rescue requires that young kittens have a buddy, either they are adopted in pairs or to a home that has a friendly cat or dog.”

              Same here. Our rescue does the same thing. Kittens go in pairs, unless it’s clear it wants to be an only cat. If someone only wants one then we require there be another young cat or a friendly dog.

              1. Generic Name*

                That’s so funny because when I last got kittens, I wanted to get 2 at the same time and the rescue wouldn’t let me. They said that 2 kittens tended to bond with each other rather than with their people. So I went back a week later and got a second kitten.

                1. Four-legged fosterer*

                  This is true of puppies, although it’s still rare. Littermate Syndrome. But if kittens are well socialized before 8 weeks then not a problem that I have encountered. If a foster cat or kittens are more skittish / undersocialized then we try to pair them with a friendly.

          2. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, thank you. I volunteer with a cat rescue and we typically adopt kittens out in pairs so they have another kitten to play and socialize with. Sure, some kittens and cats prefer to be the only cat, but it’s not universal.

            If the OP doesn’t want a second kitten or can’t afford it or whatever, then OP shouldn’t get another kitten.

        3. Black Horse Dancing*

          Lemon, that’s not necessarily true. The most recent information is cats may have descended from a small wildcat that lived in family groups. It is true that cats can be happy as solitary pets but it is best they have a companion much of the time.

        4. No Tribble At All*

          I think there are some grown-up cats that are better as single cats, but kittens are pretty rambunctious and learn how to playfight better from another kitten. If they get too rough, the other kitty will smack them just the right amount. Humans can’t discipline well that way.

      2. Blarg*

        I’m a big fan of two cats. I had one cat, with an ex. And we broke up and I was working multiple jobs and was rarely home, living in a shoebox studio. I’d get home and my cat would drive me bonkers cause she was bored and I was exhausted. So I got her a kitten, and it was amazing. She molded him in her image. They got along great for 16 years until the “kitten” died last year. Now it’s just the two of us again. Losing him was awful but so glad he was here with us.

      3. Paulina*

        I adopted my girl as a single kitten, and for the first month I would tease her into a lot of play every evening. Exhausted her out so she (mostly) let me sleep nights, and set a good pattern. Plus I only have one cat to keep track of, and she doesn’t have competition for my lap. Nothing against having multiple cats if that’s what you want, but if you want one only then the early rambunctious stage can be managed with a solo.

    4. Anne Kaffeekanne*

      Train them to come at a signal – for ours it’s using the clicker. So you use the clicker, give them a treat, repeat again and again until they come running when they hear the clicker. We’ve had outdoor cats and indoor cats and various stages in between and being able to call them to us in an emergency has always been extremely useful.

      Have fun with your kitten!! Our baby cat is 9 months already and firmly in bratty teenager mode.

      1. sswj*

        Oh yes! I do the canned food dinnerbell – tap the can (or a metal bowl, something resonating) with the spoon just before I dish out the yummy stuff. They very quickly learn to come a runnin’, and it has definitely helped me get an escapee back into my hands and into the house.

        1. Mid*

          The downside is my cat sometimes makes a run for it in an attempt to make me give her the Good Stuff xD

    5. Daily reader, rare commenter*

      Enjoy your furbaby! I rescued one just a few hours ago. Saw something from afar that looked like crumpled paper or plastic, and when I got closer, the car ahead veered slightly and drove on and right there in front of me was this wee bundle of fur. I slammed on the brakes, hopped out and grabbed the terrified little thing, put it in the car and drove home about 10km away. Along the way, it managed to find a crevice below the glove compartment and crawled inside to hide. Once home, I tried to coax it out but couldn’t see where it was, just heard a lot of hissing. So then I had to head out to the mechanic. They pulled out the entire glove compartment and found it huddled at the furthest corner. I managed to pull it out and put it into a carrier. It’s now in the spare room, still huddled inside the carrier. Won’t eat or drink, just a lot of hissing. Poor thing’s lost at least half of its nine lives.

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh poor thing. I hope you will update as time goes by. I imagine it may just need some quiet time to figure out it is safe, with a litter box and food and water close by.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Begin as you mean to go on – don’t let it do things now that you don’t want it doing as an adult. “Aw look at froshus little tiger nommin on my toes isn’t that adorable” doesn’t stay adorable :) if you want a collar on, start early and get a cat specific one with a breakaway.

      If you have the space, leave its carrier out so it gets accustomed to it – if the only time the carrier comes out is for vet trips, kitty becomes a thousand times harder to wrangle in an emergency evacuation scenario, god forbid.

      Watch out for cords – if fluffy likes to chew, you can get bitter apple spray as a deterrent. I had a kitten take a huge shock from a cord once, spent four days at the emergency vet, and still had mild seizures as a result until she passed at 16 (for unrelated reasons). Also, don’t let kitty play with string – it can cause major health issues if they swallow it.

      Enjoy your fuzzball!!

      1. DarthVelma*

        Seconding the warnings about electric cords and string…and adding hair ties. My cat is obsessed with hair ties. Like string, they can really do a number on cats if they eat them.

      2. Damn it, Hardison!*

        Putting Vick’s Vapor Rub (or some similar mentholatum product) on cord works too. Fortunately my cat only chewed through a printer cord. You can also buy toys specifically for chewing. My young cats really liked them.

      3. Wired Wolf*

        A friend has a cat who loves the taste of the apple spray…just a heads-up that there are cats out there weirder than most who may take a shine to the stuff.

    7. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      A few random tips:

      Cats won’t drink water if it’s right beside their food. Put them in different spots.

      Cats don’t like closed doors. Just an FYI. We shut ours out of the bathroom and as a result he is obsessed with trying to follow people in.

      Continue the same food they’ve been having, if you can.

      1. Vina*

        My cat’s won’t drink water unless it’s next to their food. Then again, they are both weirdos.

        1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

          Ha – I stand corrected.

          My own weirdo cat is obsessed with sitting in the kitchen sink.

          1. Vina*

            My little black cranky girl wants to always drink my bath water. Just my bath water. No other standing water. And not the husband’s bath water.

          2. Rebecca*

            My cats have perfectly good fresh water, twice a day, in a dual dish so one can drink from each side…and they pester me first thing in the morning for water from the bathroom sink. When I get up in the morning, I go to the bathroom and there they are – well, let’s get moving, that nice cold running water isn’t going to start itself!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Ours mostly do okay with closed doors – my rule from the get-go was no cats in my bedroom or the guest bedroom, so as long as people just open the door and go through and close it, rather than standing around holding the door temptingly open while they dawdle, it works out okay. My husband’s one-eyed wonder loves to run into closets though. (So the dog has taken to guarding the coat closet when he gets home from work to chase the cat away from it. If the cat does get shut into the closet, we’ll know about it because the dog will yell at the closet. In my head, she’s yelling something like “I TOLD YOU TO STOP GOING IN THERE, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THERE AND NOW YOU’RE STUCK.”)

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        If the cat is in the bathroom, it can leap dramatically onto your shoulders after the shower and ride to the closet, where it can transfer and yell at the towels stored on the top shelf for a while.

      4. Wired Wolf*

        We just had to accept that there was no such thing as a closed bathroom door for longer than 30 seconds…our oldest cat (had him for 23 awesome years) was polydactyl and figured out quite quickly how to open an unlatched interior door. He hated getting a bath but loved sitting in the sink and tub…

    8. A.N. O'Nyme*

      This isn’t really an immediate thing, but keep an eye on where your kitten likes to scratch. Some cats prefer to scratch horizontally rather than vertically (we have two cats, and they both prefer to scratch differently). Once you’ve noticed which way they prefer you can get scratching posts accordingly, although I should add my mainly-horizontal scratching cat will sometimes scratch vertically as well.

    9. sswj*

      My tip is to handle him/her A LOT. Get her used to having her feet and toes played with, to having nails trimmed (which is easy and saves a lot of damage to you and your belongings :p ). When she wriggles to be put down, hold on for a bit longer and put her down when she relaxes just a bit. She needs to learn that sometimes she has to put up with stuff being done, and that’s a MUCH easier lesson to teach when they’re just a handful of fuzz! Also, get her used to you opening her mouth, playing with her lips and putting your fingers in her mouth. At some point you’ll have to give meds and again, this is a lesson that is much easier to teach when they’re little. Trimmed claws are a big help to you in this too.

      My basic rule is that they get to do pretty much whatever they want all day every day, so they can put up with me for 5 min here and there. I want them to learn that if they just do the feline version of sigh, roll their eyes and wait it out, the pesky human will get bored and go away. Learning patience and to handle frustration is good for all creatures!

      1. tangerineRose*

        You also may want to give the kitty a treat right after doing this kind of thing.

    10. Jaid*

      Watch the Kitten Lady on YouTube!

      Start manipulating the toes early so they’re used to it and you can clip their nails.

    11. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      If you give them lots of belly rubs when they are little, they will grow up to still love belly rubs. Has worked great for us 6 out of 6 cats. 2 of them didn’t love belly rubs when we first got them, but they do now. And when my cats curls on her back into that critical cuteness overload position, the “it’s a trap” one, I get to pet the fluffiness.

      1. Oldbiddy*

        My long haired cats have hated belly rubs, but the short haired ones love them. I cant remember if I stopped trying early on with the long haired ones, though.

    13. Aphrodite*

      So many good comments here. In addition to making sure you put ribbons, string, cords away, take extra precautions around dental floss. Be aware that kittens can get into very, very, very tiny spaces, spaces you can’t begin to imagine they could. Or lower than you think. Ideally, a second cat is an excellent idea, and I say cat. A cat will teach a kitten good cat manners.

      Lots of great information can be found at TinyKittens, a Canadian rescue organization of feral cats and kittens. Right now, Shelly has Feral Maternity Wards, each room has two mothers who have given birth, one has an older kitten as well, and all the families live very happily together. Since TK’s mission is to educate they have a lot of information on their site that will be invaluable to you.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Try to avoid the use of tinsel during Christmas. Cats will sometimes swallow it, which can kill them.

        Chocolate, onions, garlic, grapes, and raisins are toxic to kitties. Some cats don’t deal well with dairy, especially milk and yogurt

        1. Anne Kaffeekanne*

          Oooh also speaking of Christmas – if you celebrate it and put up a tree and your kitty is a climber, make sure that tree is standing rock solid and preferably attached to something even more rock solid. Yes, we learned this the hard way.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Or get a fake tree that’s lightweight and won’t be a problem if (when) it falls over.

            1. Aphrodite*

              Fake is better (not flocked) but if you get a real one make absolutely sure the cat cannot get to the water. Lot trees are often grown with manmade chemicals and those leach into the water. (Also, keep toilet lid closed at all times!) The ASPCA has a list of safe and toxic plants for animals. Easter lilies are deadly (all lillies are) and poinsettias are not good either. Boston ferns are fine and my one cat makes it her mission to ensure the house is free of them, or at least that their fronds are minimized.

    14. FionasHuman*

      For litter training: it’s probably too late for you to ask for a bit of your new kitten’s poop in a plastic bag to bring home, but if you notice kitten poop somewhere else, take the poop and put it in the litter box. Then scrub the area where the mistake happened with some Nature’s Miracle or another odor remover — and promptly do the same with any other mistakes until the issue goes away (if it even occurs in the first place).

      Cats/kittens (at least the ones I’ve raised) seem to instinctively want to relieve themselves in an area where they have done so before.

  10. WoodswomanWrites, need advice on rats getting into compost*

    I know there are a lot of gardeners here. I’ve had an old Smith and Hawken compost bin in my yard for more than a decade. Buried in the ground with a mesh lining, it never had rodents get into it. Its purpose is diverting food scraps from the landfill and it’s not used for anything else.

    When erosion caused it to slope so the lid didn’t fit anymore, someone I know volunteered to level it again because I physically can’t do that work myself. Alas, they didn’t understand how to make it animal-proof like it had been all those years. A rat and I came face to face once so I know the culprit. When I let my helper know, they came back twice to fix it, and no dice.

    I’ve blocked up the holes the rat dug with rocks and thought that would work, but now the rat is chewing directly into the plastic. I stuffed them with steel wool which I’ve used in the past for mice who didn’t like chewing on the metal, and piled rocks around them, but the rocks were too small and the rat just moved them out of the way along with the steel wool.

    Would bricks around the outside base take care of this, or do you have other suggestions? Or do I need to get a new bin and have someone build it right this time with the appropriate metal mesh at buried at the base?

    1. Jack be Nimble*

      I haven’t composted, so I’m coming at this more from a rat-knowledge perspective, rather than a compost knowledge perspective: rats are extremely smart and very social — there’s probably more than one, and they’re probably working together now that they know there’s a source of food for them in your compost bin. I think it’d take some really serious rat-proofing to make sure that they couldn’t get back into any replacement bin placed in the same spot. If replacing the entire in-ground bin is one of the options on the table, I’d consider relocating it, if at all possible, or potentially looking into another type of composter entirely :(

      1. MistOrMister*

        I agree, once the rats know a food source exists, good luck keeping then out. They can gnaw through just about anything!

        I currently have one of those tumbling composters. It’s raised uo on metal legs and so far nothing has gotten into it besides some sort of small flying insects. Not sure if that might be an option. But, if you’re using the composter as a sort of trash heap and not to produce compost, that might not be something you want to do.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Rats are smart and persistent critters for sure, definitely more challenging than the mice I successfully dealt with in the past.

    2. Me*

      I’d consider redoing the base. I’d also go with some 12” square pavers as the base and then top that with hardware cloth. Heck, I might even mortar between the pavers. Or I might frame an appropriate sized square and pour concrete as a base.

      The worms would prefer soil at the base of the composter but you would prefer to not have rats. You should be able to harvest enough of the worms before putting a new base down to keep the new pile happy. I’d save some of the composted material and worms before starting the work.

      (We used to have mice in our master bedroom walls because the room was built out past the original foundation. After *15* YEARS of hearing mice scramble up the walls in the middle of the night, we finally addressed part of the issue by extending the foundation. The rest of the issue was taken care of by ripping out the walls and ceiling of the bedroom. When rebuilding it, I went absolutely nuts with hardware cloth and spray foam in the base of every.single bay. I think I used like 6 cases of spray foam. Nothing is crawling up those walls. I *hate* rodents.

      Also, I lost my very best mouser of a cat this week. It’s going to be hard to not replace him.)

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yikes, that sounds terrible. I’m glad you made it through all that. And sorry to hear about your cat.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      If you have the space, you could also consider not composting there for a while until the rats move on. Maybe add to a friend’s pile or something. I’m storing my compost in our chest freezer and making more frequent trips to the dump because our neighbor has rats.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I hope I don’t have to take that step but it makes sense that it might be necessary.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I live in a rural area with lots of farms. And we get rats. I have a compost pile that I use and I think it annoys some people. But it’s open and I only use the compost for non-food plants. I have also caught deer peeing on it.

      Not trying to be scary but if they are in the compost, they also can be in your house (walls). This could be a a problem greater than rats in the compost. Please take care here. Handi-foam (expanding foam for insulating) can be a friend and ally. Rats will eat it sometimes but rarely from what I am seeing here. Please check your home for any and all openings. I had a field stone foundation. Because it was old it was crumbling, the rats figured out how to move the field stones to access the crawl space under the house. We’ve pulled rat chewed wiring out of the walls. I plugged Pestacators in to the outlets. (They come with a money back guaranty.) Not everyone has good luck with them, but they have literally saved my house.

      Since rats will eat right through metal if they need to and they can move rocks around, I am not super hopeful about your compost system. Maybe a concrete vault?— not really joking. I have been through the mill and back on this problem.

    5. Rebecca*

      Rats are the worst!! They’re right up there with chipmunks, mice and squirrels. I keep bird and deer feed in the garage under the house, had not had a problem…until this week. Food all over the floor, a hole chewed through the bottom of the sack, etc. I walked out and found Mr. Chipmunk with his face so full of food he looked like he had the mumps, who quickly ran out a small hole at the corner of the garage door. Ugh. I just spent a half hour cleaning up the mess and putting things in metal cans. That will fix the problem!

      For your compost issue – you may have to go with one of the above ground rotating bins as mentioned above, but even that might not keep them out, unless it’s metal and you can securely fasten it.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m appreciating all these suggestions.

      Every time I think about it, I get annoyed with the person who “fixed” the bin for me. The thing was bomb-proof for a decade until they worked on it to get it level again. They told me they knew how to do this work, and I assumed they knew to use the same structure with the wire mesh barrier it originally had at the bottom. It’s frustrating that I can’t physically do this work myself, but I do have another option for the labor.

    7. Pennyworth*

      Rats will happily chew through heavy plastic, I’d suggest using steel mesh. Make sure the holes are small enough to prevent even baby rats crawling through, and if it is flexible you should be able to bend and push it in in place and make it fit tight. Use tie wire to fasten the mesh in place so it can’t be accidentally dislodged.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Thanks. The original bin construction included steel mesh and worked great, and I discovered that for the reconstructed version that wasn’t the case. I’ve been reading today about hardware cloth as the recommended material. I’m going to try having someone help me retrofit the old bin with steel mesh on the remote hope that it can be fixed without having to start all over.

  11. Jack be Nimble*

    What are people reading, lately?

    I recently bought a used book lot (specifically, a curated book bundle from the Last Bookstore in LA) and received a copy of The Interesting Narrative of the Life of Olaudah Equiano, a memoir originally published in 1789 by a black British abolitionist about his own experiences with the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

    It’s been a really incredible read — difficult at times, for obvious reasons — and I can’t recommend it enough, especially for people who are looking to dig into the origins of white supremacy and systemic racism.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      My book club just finished A Gentleman in Moscowby Amor Towles. I enjoyed it for many reasons: good writing, memorable characters who remain with me beyond the last page, history, and good visual information without an overload of detail. (Most of the book takes place in a Moscow hotel and I was more or less able to imagine the locations of public and private spaces in relation to each other.) It was a wonderful escape from my own locked-in-location coronavirus circumstances.

    2. Jaid*

      I’m reading a translated Chinese danmei called “The Film Emperor’s Daily Live Cooking Broadcast”. I’m a sucker for the cooking ones, especially when the translators are kind enough to provide pictures and recipes.

      [I am a Chef in the Modern Era] is basically food porn. *drools*

    3. Retail not Retail*

      I hurt my left thumb in such a way I can only do ebooks! Luckily I have 2 Library accounts – I’m taking a random approach and working from the last page of my wish list.

      I enjoyed Sleeping Beauties by owen and stephen king. The next book is proving a challenge. I am very petty when it comes to rejecting a book

      1. Rebecca*

        I enjoyed Sleeping Beauties, too. Are you reading “If It Bleeds” right now? It’s next on my list.

        1. Retail not Retail*

          I’m not, one of my ebook accounts is 2 cities old so I’m worried about it locking me out so I’m just starting at the end of the wishlist.

          I prefer a scattershot approach to library books, because I literally never know what’ll appeal. So I check out a wide range of titles at once.

          I just zipped through Stay With Me, very good. I’m giving Building Suburbia a shot now. It comes with illustrations, always a plus!

    4. AdAgencyChick*

      Ooh, the Last Bookstore. A friend brought me there the last time I was in LA and it was heavenly!

      I’m reading MBS, the book about Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. Books about current events figures are not my usual fare, but the NYT book review sold this one pretty hard. It doesn’t seem quite right to say I’m “enjoying” this book since it’s about a guy who systematically goes after his rivals and had a journalist murdered, but it is well written.

    5. Just a Guy in a Cube*

      I’m really loving Beyond A Boundary, which is a Cricket memoir by CLR James, one of the great sociologists of the 20th C, and apparently one of the best sports books of the last Century according to Sports Illustrated. It’s brilliant.
      Also looking forward to Jemisin’s The City We Became

    6. WellRed*

      I think my little local independent bookstore opened this week and plan to visit today (masked up, of course).

    7. Lily*

      I began Northanger Abbey and have already read half; I was in the mood for a laugh and now wondering if I should continue in a Jane Austen marathon.

      2. Sled dog mama*

        I did a Jane Austen marathon one summer in college. I didn’t make it through all of them but it was wonderful to read the all back to back and see the nuances in her style.

    8. nep*

      Yesterday started Into the Magic Shop. Not really something I would have picked up–a friend gave it to me last year or so.

    9. i heart salt*

      Just finished “Nothing to See Here” by Kevin Wilson. LOVED IT!! I had to reread the ending it was so good!

    10. Valancy Snaith*

      I was dragging my heels when I got started on Coming Home by Rosamunde Pilcher, but now that I’m pretty well stuck into it I’m really enjoying it and kicking myself for waiting so long! It’s nice to have a big monster of a book to escape into.

    11. NeverNicky*

      I read Equiano a number of years ago as part of a university module – I was thrilled to find out as part of his speaking tours he spent time in the city I was living in. It made him more real, somehow.

      Anyway, I appear to have my reading groove back after struggling through books for review/book group lately, and this week I’ve read Lindsey Davis’s Graveyard of the Hesperides (Flavia Albia is less annoying than Falco) and the first two in Ben Aaronvitch’s Rivers of London series. This appears to be Harry Potter meets Neverwhere meets Logan McRae. Nothing here too taxing!

    12. Rebecca*

      I’m listening to Andromeda Evolution right now – I remember seeing the movie on one of the Saturday afternoon sci-fi features as a kid, eventually read the book, and now am intrigued by the new one.

  12. Vic tower*

    Thank you to everyone with baby shower ideas last week. So many great suggestions!

    New issue, I’m supposed to eat more eggs due to a study I’m in. But I don’t really like them much. What are your favourite egg containing recipes? Ideally something I can cook on Sunday then take to work for lunches (I’m supposed to eat six eggs per week)

    1. Lizzie*

      That definitely sound like quiche material, as you can load the quiche with vegetables, ham or whatever you fancy and thus downplay the eggy flavour.

      1. Carlottamousse*

        +1 for quiche — great way to get vegetables in your diet that are good for pregnancy, too (like leafy greens), and is very portable and reheatable or even good cold.

    2. Sara(h)*

      I’m totally in love with the Trader Joe’s Shaksuka, where you add your own eggs. Might not work for work lunches, but it’s so delicious! And quite healthy too!

      2. AcademiaNut*

        Homemade shaksuka is delicious and easy to make too. The base is a thick sauce of onion, red bell pepper, tomato, red pepper flakes and a bit of wine vinegar, plus herbs, and it freezes well. I’ve seen claims that you can then prep it in the microwave after cracking the egg in, but I haven’t tried it. Some crumbled feta is a nice addition too.

        Quiche should keep fairly well for a day or two – add cheese, some diced ham, and spinach. You can easily use up six eggs in a quiche.

        Spanish tortilla, which is onions and potatoes cooked in a pan with eggs. It’s tasty cold, and can be reheated.

        Savory bread pudding – stale bread torn up, mixed with various stuff (ham, cooked spinach, cooked mushrooms, cheese, etc), then pour over a mixture of milk and eggs. Let it soak into the bread, and bake.

      3. Pennyworth*

        My favorite egg dish is roast vegetable fritata. I just put olive oil, seasoning and herbs on chunks of vegetables such as onion, pumpkin, red bell peppers, potato, or whatever I am in the mood to eat, cook them in a hot oven until the toughest ones are done. More eggy than quiche, no pastry to bother with and the filling can be varied to whatever you like.

    3. TechWorker*

      Agree with the quiche suggestion, most egg recipes don’t reheat that well! You could also hard boil a batch then put them into salads? Egg mayonnaise keeps ok too but I’m guessing isn’t a great suggestion if you don’t like eggs :p

      I’ve also made scrambled egg stir fry a few times recently which is ok a day or two later but probably not a whole week. Basically just make stir fry with whatever you want, crack some eggs into a different, non-stick pan, mix up the yolks and stir them whilst they’re cooking til they’re just solid. Add to the stir fry right at the end.

    4. Kuododi*

      I’m a huge fan of breakfast casseroles. (A baked combination of eggs, your personal favorite breakfast meat and sometimes different types of veggies.). I don’t have a particular recipe I follow however a Google search for “breakfast casseroles”should be fruitful. If meat is an issue, shouldn’t be a problem to sub in extra veggies of choice. Good luck

    5. Alexandra Lynch*

      I make a casserole whose base is ten eggs and two 8 ounce packages of cream cheese. One can then flavor it from there according to likes.

      The one I am making today will have shredded swiss cheese, caramelized onions, chopped spinach, and applewood bacon in it, along with some red pepper, because he likes a little heat. The last one had ground lamb seasoned with gyro seasoning, fresh onions, chopped fresh tomatoes, and feta cheese!

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I make scrambled egg muffins for my husband to breakfast sometimes. Beat together six eggs, then pour the mix into the greased cups of a muffin tin. Salt and pepper and add cheese and toppings to each cup individually, bake at 350 for about 20 minutes. They freeze quite well and reheat at just 30 seconds in the microwave – he sometimes eats them as is, sometimes mashes them up with a fork and puts them on toast or a tortilla. He’s eaten them after two weeks in the freezer and says they’re still perfectly fine. (I don’t like eating eggs plain unless they’re hard boiled with mayonnaise involved, so I feel you :) )

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For pure camouflage that gets it into your body without you knowing about it? Fried rice. Dice up whatever you want to eat, fry them from longest cooking time to shortest to cooking time, add the rice, let it get really hot, whisk your egg and stir it in. It’s cooked when it’s not shiny anymore.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I make a sort of frittata all the time as a portable breakfast. The last iteration I was making included cooked quinoa which made the whole thing more like a muffin. It’s not a true frittata because I just mix up the ingredients and put them in the oven, but it’s very easy to make.

      2. Me*

        Yep. I have a frittata recipe that uses 8 eggs and 2 cups of rice, along with various spices. I add green chiles and salsa. I prefer it cold as a leftover but Dh reheats it. It makes 8 servings.

        (Also, I have chickens, so they produce between 6-10 eggs/ day. I’m giving away eggs like a gardener gives away large zucchini’s, practically abandoning them on my neighbors’ porches).

      3. Jack Russell Terrier*

        Yes – you can make one large one and cut it up for several days. I really like an onion frittata. They key here is to ziz up the onion in a food processor. You can grate it on the large side but that’s hard on the eyes. This means that you get lovely onion juice seeping into the egg adding wonderful flavor.

    9. Terrapin Problems*

      There are four eggs in a lemon meringue pie, so one pie would get you through most of your week’s allotment :)

      Otherwise, I’m a big fan of egg drop soup, where the egg almost becomes like thin noodles.

      1. mobuy*

        Excellent idea! I was thinking lemon bars (6 eggs per recipe) or creme brulee (6 egg yolks), myself!

    10. BethDH*

      If you don’t like eggs much, what about a puff pancake (sometimes called Dutch Baby pancakes) or crepes? Both of these are often breakfast, of course, but we eat them frequently for dinner as they aren’t sweet in themselves, just usually have sweet toppings.
      A puff pancake is great with dressed greens thrown on top or even just a grating of cheese.
      Crepes can be treated like a wrap with veggies, ham, cheese, etc. inside.
      Crepes can be made ahead of time, but the puff pancake should be eaten the day it’s made.
      Consider also soups made by stirring an egg in at the end for thickening, like avgolemono.

      1. BethDH*

        Oh, and maybe okonomiyaki? That’s the Japanese cabbage and egg cake — kind of like a frittata, but with more flavors to distract you and some flour added to the egg so that it doesn’t have the egg-like texture.

      2. lasslisa*

        Huh, I find puff pancakes / Yorkshire pudding / Dutch babies to be SO intensely eggy. Like just a giant omelet with different texture. Do you do things to change the flavor?

        1. Me*

          Have you tried the Sunset magazine version of the Dutch baby? I don’t find that one too eggy.

          You can make a savory one by cooking it then topping it with things like pesto, smoked salmon and grilled asparagus. My youngest likes to put lightly poached eggs on top of that along with some arugula.

        2. BethDH*

          My typical version is about 1/4 c flour and 1/4 c milk per egg. But I suspect it also depends on what you dislike about egg. When I was pregnant, the texture of plain eggs really bothered me but not so much the flavor.

    11. GoryDetails*

      Re eggs: I’m very fond of deviled eggs, which can be flavored in all sorts of ways; if it’s the taste of eggs more than the texture, this might be something to try. Mix in some sriracha for hot-and-spicy eggs, or avocado for “green” eggs, or – well, almost anything.

      For other ideas, I’d recommend the Budget Bytes site – search on “eggs recipes” for a variety of things, many of them with make-ahead options. Freezer burritos, microwave scrambles, shakshuka, lots more.

    12. Anon, and on, and on...*

      Saw a mention of fried rice; will second it.

      Will also suggest looking into the concept of (marbled) tea eggs.

    13. TheIncredibleEdibleEgg*

      If you really don’t like eggs, you might want to “hide” them a little more. Some baked oatmeal recipes can be heavy on eggs (or you can probably add an extra egg without messing up the recipe – it’s a pretty forgiving recipe). I’ve made baked oatmeal on a Sunday and reheated every weekday for breakfast. Quick breads (pumpkin bread, zucchini bread, etc.) often have high egg content, as do muffins. Also easy to make ahead, grab & go. Egg noodles for dinner? Homemade waffles have a relatively high egg content. Maybe make sandwiches using waffles as the bread?

    14. Stephanie*

      I make egg muffins sometimes. They’re really good. Here’s how: brown a pound of ground turkey, season it with sage, garlic powder, salt and pepper (the sage is essential for me, it makes it taste sausage-like). Cook the meat through. While the turkey is cooking, crack a dozen eggs into a large mixing bowl. Add a teaspoon of salt and whisk thoroughly. Add the cooked turkey and a half cup of shredded cheese of your choice (I like cheddar, but any kind will do). Stir together, and portion into a 12 cup muffin tin sprayed with nonstick spray (fill the cups about 2/3 to 3/4 full). Bake at 350 F for 30 minutes. I refrigerate them and reheat in the microwave for a minute or so. They’re very good, and very filling.

    15. Spessartine*

      I absolutely haate eggs and was given three dozen of them a few weeks back. Since I felt obligated to eat them (and I know they’re good for you), I scoured the internet until I found out about tamagoyaki. The right way to make them is to roll them up into a little layered egg omelette, but that was too much egg in one bite for me. I found that if I mixed up all the ingredients (egg, soy sauce, a little sugar, and some water) and fried it nice and crispy and flat like a crepe made of egg, I could stomach it. Then I went a step further and started folding it in half and throwing it in a ham and cheese quesadilla. The egg taste all but disappears and the texture is masked by the melted cheese. I don’t think I’ve ever tried to reheat a quesadilla but I imagine the only damage would be loss of some of the crunch.

    16. MistOrMister*

      What about egg salad (or maybe even just a sliced boiled egg) in a sandwich with strongly flavored additions? There’s a place I go once in a while to get egg salad with cheddar cheese and sauerkraut. I love it, even thought they look at me crazy when I place my order. If you’re putting the equivalent of one egg in, likely you can overpower it with the other flavors. Maybe add some bacon if you eat meat.

    17. Sunflower*

      I like to add red peppers, onions and tomatoes and then load up with salt, pepper and garlic. Trader Joes Everything bagel seasoning is also great in them. Definitely try to experiment with some different seasonings and spices. I find eggs to be a little heavy so I always add liquid egg whites to them. I will cook usually 2-3 days worth in one batch, split them into containers and take them to work all week.

      1. Sunflower*

        To add on this- I don’t like hard boiled eggs alone but really enjoy them in salads. Egg whites don’t have much flavor to me so I load my salads with them

    18. Aphrodite*

      I adore cilbir. It’s a Turkish dish made of poached (or lightly sauteed) eggs on top of flavored yogurt. It’s odd sounding but fantastic. Just google “cilbir” and you’ll come up with a lot of recipes.

    20. OTGW*

      Carbonara! I always use the Trisha Yearwood recipe. I think it uses like 3 eggs? Not vegetarian friendly though.

    21. Koala dreams*

      The tip I see the most is putting the egg in a smoothie, but I haven’t actually tried it myself, I’m not much for smoothies. I prefer pancakes, fried rice with egg and vegetables (put some soya sauce in it so it won’t look eggy), savory pies and quiches (beets and feta cheese taste amazing!). If I have leftover boiled eggs, I cut them into small pieces and fry with pesto (from a jar) to make a pasta sauce.

      I love desserts made with eggs too: chocolate cake, sponge cake, homemade ice cream, chocolate/vanillla mousse, coconut mousse… Won’t work for you if you need to eat the eggs as part of a savoury meal, but maybe you can add one or two eggs in desserts on the weekend or something?

    22. TimeTravlR*

      i made a goat cheese and tomato tart this weekend that would be perfect. Just google it. Mine is a low carb recipe if that matters.

  13. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    So what issues have you all been having with writing? For me, at the moment, it’s time/motivation. I’m currently rather busy, so while I do have time I find myself doing random other things (insert memes about writing meaning browse the internet for six hours). I do tend to get some writing done, it’s just…Fragmented rather than fifteen minutes at a time as I used to do. Any advice?

    1. Alexandra Lynch*

      The necessary logistics of getting the house packed and moved has entirely occupied my brain. I’m barely reading. This week was making scale plans of our furniture and the rooms of the new house to figure out things like what wall to put the bed on and where the china cabinet will fit, so any of us can tell the movers where any of that goes.

    2. BethDH*

      Has anyone tried writing by voice memo? I’m going to have fragmented writing time till daycares are open/safe, but I have papers that really need to be written before that happens. I’ve never thought it sounded appealing, but I’m desperate.
      If you’ve done it, I’d love to hear favorite methods/tools/approaches.

      1. lasslisa*

        I do some of this for repetitive stress reasons and I definitely like it. You still have to do some sort of thinking and outlining, but it is SO convenient to just dictate and then fix errors later.

    3. Mystery Bookworm*

      I was doing really well for quite some time but anxiety over the recent news coupled with a re-introduction of some family political disagreements (over a variety of things, not all news-related) has got me all distracted.

      I’ve fallen off the wagon with healthy eating, writing, meditation and reasonable bedtimes. I need to figure out how balance cutting myself some slack without completely dropping the rope.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I wrote a blog post and ten more screenplay pages; I’ve gotten behind in the class a bit. It’s HARD, y’all! My dialogue in prose writing is usually pretty good, but trying to use it to tell the story without resorting to exposition is very difficult. Also, this is kind of a locked-in-a-bunker sort of story and there are only sporadic bursts of action at the beginning. Working hard to embrace subtext. Plus, I should have seen this coming but we’re expected to do table reads with friends. I don’t know anyone here.

      I’m determined to master this, however. I think once I do, I’m really going to like writing this way. It’s so clean.

    5. Annie Moose*

      I’ve just been feeling a lack of inspiration lately, honestly. I have loads of time to write, I just… don’t particularly want to work on any of my projects. I did Camp NaNo and have a half-finished project as a result of that, but I feel like I got all my motivation for it out in April, and it hasn’t come back yet. I have a couple short stories/random ideas that I noodled around with for a few hours each, but nothing complete and nothing that grabbed my attention for more than a day.

      I dunno… I think I need more structure in my writing than just “write every day”. That’s why NaNo works so well for me, because I have a specific goal I’m writing towards. Been thinking about doing some writing exercises (like, not just prompts, but exercises focusing on description, character, dialogue, etc.) but I haven’t found any compilations that really grab me yet. If someone has suggestions I’d love to hear ’em.

  14. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! As usual, this thread is not limited to video games.
    I’m gonna shake this up a little bit and ask: what are games you played a long time ago that you remember fondly?
    For me, it’s the Humongous Entertainment games (specifically Freddi Fish, Pajama Sam, and Spy Fox. Never was all that into Putt-Putt, for some reason). I think we only had the first game of those series, but boy did I have fun with them. There was also a game that I recently found the title of again (Dracula’s Secret, which is a similar kind of game to the Humongous ones but with a horror vibe) that I really loved, despite being a scaredy-cat (it’s really not all that scary).
    Feel free to hijack this thread if you have fond memories of a game but can’t remember the title – maybe someone here will know what you’re talking about, or at least be able to find it somewhere.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’m a child of the 80s so for me it’s the Atari system, which I still have and it still works. My favorite game is Megamania. I also love Breakout and Super Breakout. Great memories of spending hours in front of the TV with my best friend playing Atari. I also love Tetris, but I no longer have my original Nintendo system anymore.

      1. DarthVelma*

        I’m a little bit older than you – child of the 70s (yup, my first video game was Pong) and I loved the old Atari systems. In my book, you can’t really call yourself an old school gamer if you never played the Atari 2600 on a portable 11 inch black and white TV. :-)

        My favorites were Frogger and Berzerk (my brother and I would spend hours lining up shots where you could shoot through the space between your opponent’s body and head). But my best memories are of the Journey Escape game. We never did find out if that game had an “ending” or you just dodged things for all of eternity.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I loved Pong, too. And I most certainly have played the Atari 2600 on a portable black and white! I liked Frogger and River Raid, too, among others. Ah, those were the days. :)

          1. DarthVelma*

            Awesome! Isn’t it amazing to consider how far the graphics in games have come since Pong and Space Invaders? :-)

            I play online with several kids in their teens and one of the first questions they all asked was “what was your first game?”. When I said “Pong” they either had no clue what I was talking about or I immediately had ALL of the OG gamer cred.

      2. Anonymath*

        I loved the original Eye of the Beholder series on my PC. At the time it was about as close as a game could get to real D&D play. You could even sort of roll up your characters.
        I missed my original NES and the games I grew up with so my husband bought us one of the new little emulators for Christmas a few years ago. We’ve having a good time introducing my son to the old games.

    2. Beancat*

      Banjo-Kazooie and Chrono Trigger! They were two of my favorites growing up and I always really loved them. So many good memories of them :)

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My first multi-user dungeon was a text-based thing in the early 90s in California I do not remember the name. I do remember going under the same bridge over and over again to kill the troll, because it was the only place my character could survive without companions, and my real world friends were not around that day. There were ways to customize homes and houses …very clever stuff. I’d love to find that game again.

    5. CatCat*

      When I was a kid, I had a game called “Take Off” that I loved. It came with a huge map that was rolled up and you had little airplanes that you raced around the world. I don’t have that anymore though.

      The other is “Clue: Master Detective,” which I also loved as a kid. It was an expanded version of “Clue” with more people, rooms, and weapons so. When my mom moved a couple years ago, she still had that game in storage! It even had scraps from 30 years ago with writing on it from when I’d play it with my friends. My family and I have played it since and… it’s more boring than I remember so my nostalgia and enjoyment of it as a kid is stronger than my enjoyment of the game now.

      1. Redkitty*

        Yes! My sister and I had the Take Off game and loved it, though one of our few physical arguments growing up involved me whacking her over the head with the tube the game came in ! neither of us can remember now what started the argument, but she was not seriously hurt, I got in trouble (quite rightly) and we get along very well as adults. Wonder if my mom still has the game?

    6. TinyRaptor*

      My childhood game is Roller Coaster Tycoon, which I still have in multiple forms (you can get it on Android now) and still love to pieces. I played it long enough to beat all the classic/non-expansion simulations, and used to specifically follow guests with t-shirts and pants of the same color so that I could make sure they bought a same color hat as well and didn’t ruin their one-color look look.

      I also have fond memories of my dad wrestling with QuickTime in order to get Myst working on our computer, and also remember making music in SimTunes, which I didn’t own but regularly borrowed from the library.

    7. Melon*

      My parents had a business a decade ago seeking these titles on CD-ROM. They still get bulk orders on occasion from Japan and South Korea from tutoring centers that keep some refurbished computers around just for these titles because they help with learning English so much.

    8. Fikly*

      Oooh, nostalgia time!

      For PC: Zoombinis! The Dr. Brain game with the elements game in it, and where you herded those neurons. The Treasure Mountain game and that whole series.

      There is one PC game I have never been able to figure out the name of. It was on my grandfather’s computer, and I only got to visit once a year, so very vague memories. I likely played it in the mid-90s, but I’m not sure when it dated from. It was definitely a Rogue-like game. Graphics were very text-based. Background color was gray. Dungeons and coming up to a town. I think the text indicating the walls was brown? There were a lot of yellows and browns and maybe greens, very earth tones. Not much to go on, I know.

      1. Fikly*

        Wait, how could I forget my all time favorite?

        Mordor II. Not about Lord of the Rings. It was another Rogue knockoff, I adored it, and played it through many computers until finally I couldn’t get it to work. I still periodically google to see if anyone has modernized it.

      2. Tonks*

        I LOVED zoombinis! My 5th grade teacher had it on the 2 computers in the classroom, and if a student finished their work early they could play. It’s available for iPad on the App Store now! Best $5 I spent in quarantine.

    9. Johanna Ky*

      I’m not a gamer at all, and we have a Xbox one (that I keep calling a 360 because I used to work at Toys R US. The only game I’ve played is zoo tycoon. Don’t know what else to try. I used to really enjoy sim city on the pc. Don’t know what other games to try

      1. veggiewolf*

        Try Two Point Hospital! It’s a hospital management sim that I’ve found surprisingly addictive and is available on consoles now.

    10. Holly*

      Okay, I like lots of games and could talk about them forever (hello, Journey, Monument Valley) but there was this game that I played when I was in grade 1, on the school computers.. so this would’ve been 1997. It was like “tiki” themed for lack of a better term and I think it maybe had to do with spelling. Certainly it was educational. There were statues on either side of a waterfall, I think? I have been trying to find out what the heck this game was for years now and I haven’t been able to figure it out. Help, anyone?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Spelling Jungle AKA Yobi’s Basic Spelling Tricks AKA Yobi’s Magic Spelling Tricks (why does that game have three names???)? That’s what I get from Google.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      Titanic: Adventure Out of Time!

      I played the crap out of that game and hung onto the disc for ages even after it wouldn’t work on later Windows systems. I found a hack online that ran it on Win 7, but then FINALLY, GoG got it, and I can play it again. \0/

      If anyone ever rebooted it with really good graphics, that would be amazing. I’d really like them to fix the card game in the smoking room. As it is now, if you blow that, you might as well quit the game right there. There is no other alternative to get the item you need from the gambler; you can’t punch him or gas him or steal it when he’s not looking.

      I also like the Myst series. Although I have them all (once again, GoG to the rescue), I have yet to finish it.

    12. NforKnowledge*

      Yeees Freddi Fish, Pajama Sam and Putt-Putt were the best! Also Geobee, quizzes are fun ^^

    14. Andrews*

      In college I loved the GameCube game Eternal Darkness: you skip around in the same location but in many different time periods (so you explore the same house in the present day, in Victorian times, in WWII…) and as the eldritch horror big bad preys on your character’s mind you start to experience weird effects both within the game (paintings on the wall moving as you go past) and in a meta way (randomly taking you back to the home screen for a few seconds or telling you the game’s about to delete). I think it was the first game I ever fully completed.

      I’ve spent the last couple of days obsessed with Return of the Obra Dinn, and the non-linear style of that made me think of Eternal Darkness (to the point I thought for the first half of the game there was something Lovecraftian going on)

      1. Aealias*

        Omigosh, Eternal Darkness was AMAZING! There’s this moment when a madness effect impacts the player instead of the character, and it’s just pure genius. I was so disappointed when I heard that a planned sequel had been shelved.

    15. Koala dreams*

      Tetris! My family used to have a black-and-white version, and I got quite good for a while. Very addictive!

      From my young childhood, I played a memory game with small chickens in different colours and a die with different colours instead of numbers. The chickens were made of small wood pieces, or maybe thick cardboard. I don’t know what it’s called. Chicken memory? I’ve seen quite similar games as an adult but not that exact game.

    16. Finny*

      O’Dell Lake, which we played in school and I loved even more than Oregon Trail. I so wish there was a home version of O’Dell Lake. It was picking a fish to be and then eating food and avoiding being eaten. I most remember having to avoid ospreys.

    17. Aealias*

      I was a PC gamer, and have fond memories of the ASCII game Castle (I think). You used arrows to move and simple text commands to interact with objects and the environment. And I remember it fondly because after several years of childhood play, I beat the game! Once. But it was possible! I hate endless games, they irritate my completionist streak.
      Board games, Parker Brothers made this game called Klondike, about the Alaska/Yukon gold rush. It’s like Monopoly, but time-limited (cause the gold runs out) and property values drop to zero at the end (cause everyone abandons the Klondike). Oh, and actually fun. If you see it in a second hand store, grab it!

    18. Wishing You Well*

      I remember fondly the Star Wars Lego video games. So to help myself get through quarantine, I bought the Harry Potter Lego games. Still very fun and you don’t have to be a kid!

  15. Brainless Knitting*

    Any recommendations for « easy » bingeable TV series that have actually aged well? Needs to be available on Netflix.

    I’ve been going back and watching a bunch old series on Netflix while I knit, and I am amazed at what shows have decidedly not aged well. Lots has been written about Friends of course, but lately I’ve been watching Modern Family and my jaw has been dropping at what was considered acceptable to joke about in the early seasons (please don’t tell me if it gets worse later on, I’ve only made it to season 3 and I have like 250 rows left to knit in this project)

    I didn’t find old episodes of Big Bang Theory as offensive as some on the internet did (but there was still some decided eyebrow-raising), to give you an idea of my barometer…

    1. TechWorker*

      The IT crowd has aged ok-*ish* I think – like there’s definitely some stereotypes in there (the IT nerds don’t have social skills, no-one outside of IT understands technology at all – regardless of gender), but the stereotypes don’t come across as cruel (eg, all the characters are a bit weird). I love the actors and script, it cracks me up.

      1. TechWorker*

        Oh woops and the big boss is a massive sexist, but the joke is definitely on him.

        1. DarthVelma*

          Love The IT Crowd. “Have you tried turning it off and on again” is the go to response any time something doesn’t work or goes wrong at my house.

          Speaking of sexist boss, he’s pretty funny in the What We Do In The Shadows tv show. That show is a hoot, though it hasn’t been on long enough to be a proper binge watch.

          1. London Calling*

            My IT department posted a message on the company Workplace – ‘look, we know we say all the time ‘have you tried turning it off and turning it on again’ but that’s because it very often works.’

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Whoops, I posted that below.
            I hope WWDITS is on forever–he’s so funny in it.

      3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        The IT Crowd is 100% accurate description of my first job as help desk. And the sexist inept boss is too real to me.

      4. fposte*

        There’s a deeply offensive trans episode, and the backlash against that has resulted in the series creator revealing himself as a massive and obsessive transphobe who posts incessantly about it on Twitter. Bummer, as I love Richard Ayoade.

        1. Natalie*

          Oh wow, that is a bummer.

          Have you watched Travel Man, Richard Ayoade’s travel show? He does a “mini break” somewhere with another guest. He and Jon Hamm in Hong Kong is probably my favorite. They get corduroy suits and are generally hilarious.

          1. fposte*

            I’ve been a fan of Travel Man for years, and I’ve been rewatching it lately as cheering end-of-day fare. I just rewatched the one with Rhod Gilbert last night, which I think is probably the best time Richard ever had on one of those, despite its being the city least likely to appeal to him.

            I thought it was interesting when he started getting the bigger name non-English travel companions. Jon Hamm does a fair bit of British stuff (have you ever watched Toast of London?), but Paul Rudd and Lena Dunham were surprising.

    2. Vina*

      I know it’s not on Netflix, but I’m really enjoying Magnum PI on Amazon Prime. I don’t know where it is, but Murder, She Wrote has aged very well.

      Both shows are comfort watching. Sorta like Mac and Cheese for the soul.

      1. Vina*

        One thing about both of those shows, in some areas, we’ve become more racist and sexist. There are some times in there where women and black men do things that might get push back today, but are treated as normal.

        It’s bizarre b/c this is the Reagan 80s.

        One example, there are a lot of women in positions of authority in Magnum and none of the main 4 ever treat it like it’s odd. Women’s sexual desire is never treated as being horrible or existing only for the men. At least once, Magnum and TC pretend to be a couple to get out of trouble. It’s not played for laughs, but rather what they do b/c it’s something that would be natural given the context.

        1. Vina*

          Oh: and while the women tend to skew white, they do show all of the main male characters interested in a variety of ages, races, and types of women. On one show, Magnum is smitten with a woman who looks to be middle-aged and post-menopausal. (The actress was early to mid-50s). It’s really weird to watch and think we have regressed in some ways.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            OMG the whole dismissal of older women really bugs me. They did it with the character in Under the Dome. In Stephen King’s book, the younger male protagonist Dale Barbie beds the older woman reporter, Julia Shumway. Well I guess the network didn’t think that was feasible, and they cast a thirty-something redhead who looked like a model to play Julia. They ruined the character.

            They also ruined Big Jim, but that’s a rant for another day.

          2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

            We’ve been watching old episodes of Inspector Morse, and it is quite striking in this show, too. Granted, Morse is in his 60s or so, but there are only occasional episodes where his love interest is a bit young. Most of the time they are 40+, which is at least better balanced.

            1. allathian*

              The thing about Morse, though, is that John Thaw looked older than his real age, he was 44 when they started shooting the first episodes in 1986 (broadcast in 1987) and he looked at least ten years older than that.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My teenager is hooked on the old MacGyver. Not a problem with me I’m a Richard Dean Anderson fan…. but some of it really makes me cringe. A general is kidnapped, MacGyver rescues her, and when he reports in, he refers to her as the “lady general”. I got pissy about that.

      1. allathian*

        I remember that! I’ve been watching MacGyver with our 11 year old. I’m a Richard Dean Anderson fan and I had a huge crush on MacGyver when I was a teen.

    4. annakarina1*

      I’ve been watching old episodes of Angel, and aside from the 90’s dated look, most holds up fine. Except when characters occasionally call something “r**arded.” Cordelia says it a few times, as do a couple of others, and I did cringe at hearing it said so casually.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Well, but Cordelia was the sort of person, at least initially, who *would* use terms like that. Cringe-worthy even when the show was new.
        Kind of like Archie Bunker: his inappropriate-ness was meaningful both to his character and to the show’s message. Not that “Angel” was social commentary, but …

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Yeah, there were a few things like that on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and some early Xander stuff that had me internally screaming. Overall, however, I really enjoyed watching it again.

    5. Llellayena*

      I don’t normally watch sitcoms because they do tend to be over the top insensitive on various issues. I think it’s actually intensional so the issues do push buttons during the short half hour of the show. I agree with Murder She Wrote recommended above, and also recommend Law and Order (and its various spin-offs) you’ll have enough content to finish a record setting blanket!

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      I really like Avatar, newly on Netflix, which is animated and *okay* for kids, but not limited to them. It’s an interesting ongoing story, and I love that they actually have a fight choreographer who thought about how to relate the different elemental-magic combat styles to existing martial arts.

      3. Annie Moose*

        Been rewatching Avatar since it came out on Netflix (ironic, given that I own the DVDs and could rewatch any time I want!) and I’m happy to report I’m as much in love with it as I was when it was first coming out. Sure, it’s ostensibly a kids’ show, and as such dances around topics like death (“Did [spoilery character] just die?” “You know, it was really unclear.”), but the characters and their journeys are so great. A lot more nuance than you’d expect; it’s not a simple “good vs. evil” show.

        Plus, it looks lovely. The fight scenes are inventive and never get repetitive, and the settings are unique and varied.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I get irritated at more mature offerings that pull “Here are 500 characters, 2 of whom get a little screen time. Guess which 498 are about to die, in a way that we think makes this story “have stakes” but the deaths won’t actually affect the main characters’ psyche past the end of this episode?”

      4. MedLibrarian*

        Yes! This is the only show my husband, fifteen-year-old daughter, and I all really like. Highly recommended.

    7. Mystery Bookworm*

      These aren’t old series, but they have finished, so are bingeable and mostly aren’t too problematic.

      Parks & Rec
      Jane the Virgin
      The Good Place
      iZombie

      It’s been awhile since I’ve watched it (and I’m not sure if it’s on Netflix in the US) but I’ve been told that Malcolm in the Middle has aged pretty well.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        Crazy Ex-Girlfriend also not mostly not problematic, despite the title’s implication.

        1. ThatGirl*

          In fact, it mostly turns that on its head and examines what “crazy” means. That only ended last year, so it’s pretty modern.

        3. RebeccaNoraBunch*

          Obviously (see my username) I can’t recommend Crazy Ex-Girlfriend highly enough. There’s 4 seasons, and while I love the first season the most, there are 1-2 very slightly problematic songs that they actually address and fix in the final season. Fans know what I mean. Also, there’s a ton of diversity, including body shape for women and different races, orientations, ages, etc across the board. In fact, it’s been lauded as a defining show for bisexual folks, as one of the main characters comes out as bi in their mid-life (don’t want to spoil it!).

          It’s a pure delight and I love it so much. Highly, highly recommended.

          1. Forensic13*

            I LOVE Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, but oh man is it not an “easy” show. Especially from the third season on. There are a lot of really intense episodes and topics.

      2. university minion*

        Agree with Malcolm in the Middle. It’s been on Netflix before, but isn’t currently.
        Also, My Name is Earl. There is some off-color humor, but most of it is about the main character *correcting* his messed up assumptions about people and righting his wrongs.

      4. Cat*

        Parks and Rec is my favorite. I skip the first season when rewatching though. It’s only six episodes but they didn’t find their rhythm till season 2 in my opinion.

        Also love the Good Place!

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      I don’t know if “aged well” means the show has to be old, but here are some shows on Netflix that are easily bingeable:
      Derry Girls
      Kim’s Convenience
      Never Have I Ever
      One Day at a Time
      Rilakkuma and Kaoru
      Rita
      Somebody Feed Phil
      Summertime
      Salt Fat Acid Heat

      1. Brainless Knitting*

        Yeah in this case it pretty much had to be old, because I have sadly watched almost everything recent (like almost your entire list). They were all great but I gotta branch out a bit.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Have you watched Space Force yet? Super new and pretty good . . . funny enough to make it (for me) worth binging at the end of a long day.

        1. MMB*

          I can’t wait for the 5th season! I’m also incredibly disappointed that it will be the last :(

    10. HannahS*

      Star Trek The Next Generation holds up pretty well! I watched MASH in high school and am 100% sure that while much of it has aged well, the jokes about Klinger haven’t.

      1. university minion*

        The Klinger and his character have aged surprisingly well, IMO, because he was cast as an extremely sympathetic character to begin with. Some of Henry and Hawkeye’s (but especially Henry’s) lines towards female characters are pretty cringey. I feel like while Hawkeye could be incredibly juvenile, he respected the nurses and their role. Henry viewed them as playthings.

        One movie that I only saw for the first time recently and was SHOCKED at how much I enjoyed it and how well it had aged was Victor/Victoria.

      2. Generic Name*

        I second Star Trek. Voyager and Deep Space 9 have all aged really well. I’d say they’re almost timeless. The captain of Voyager is a woman and the Commander of DS9 is a black man.

        1. voyager1*

          Chakotay was handled pretty badly though on Voyager. He was pretty much a stand in for all indigenous peoples.

          Also the actor who played Sisko wasn’t not happy with ending of DS9 because of how it left his character and the stereotypes with black men.

      3. Melody Pond*

        Aren’t there a couple of episodes of Star Trek: TNG in the first season or so that are pretty racist and sexist? I’m thinking of one where it revolves around a whole planet of “savage” people of color, and another episode where they go to a planet that is super matriarchal and led by women.

        In fact, isn’t protesting against these scripts what got Gates McFadden fired for the duration of the second season? (before fans demanded she be brought back)

        From about season 3 onward, I’d agree that TNG has aged better, though there can still be troublesome spots here and there.

        1. Holly*

          When I first started watching TNG in 2018, I was told to just skip the first season entirely. I did, and think that it was a great call! I don’t feel like I missed anything hugely important except one character’s death, which is easily fixable enough with the internet. The reasoning was explained to me as basically, the show was getting its feet and figuring out what it was going to be and as a result the entire season is basically trash. Doesn’t excuse any sort of racism, sexism, whatever other garbage may be there at all, but if someone wanted to watch TNG, they can definitely skip season 1 and not suffer for it. As for the rest of the seasons, I think I’ve only made it to season 4 maybe, but definitely there are a couple of troublesome spots, as you put it. But nothing that was a dealbreaker for me in terms of continuing to watch. Part of the joy of TNG for me is understanding it in a historic context, so, idk!

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            I disliked TNG season 1 when it first ran. But I was in college, and that’s what the dormitory television showed at a point where I needed a rest. By the time we got to season 2, the characters have gotten into a roll and it was a lot of fun. Somewhere after season 3, I had a chance to watch the first episode again. And it made sense this time. The actors and screenwriters were actually too prepared, so the audience needed more information about past history of character relationships and then we had access to. The insanity of how a captain is interacting with his doctor makes sense when you realize how long those two have worked together. But they didn’t tell us that.

          2. blackcat*

            I mean, some of the original series is really interesting to watch in a historical context. If you can get access to the original (unaired) pilot, it’s something! Majel Barrett (aka Lwaxana Troi from TNG/DS9 aka the voice of the computer for most of the universe) was the originally cast first officer (not Leonard Nimoy).
            Some of the original series is like… really painful to watch. And Nichelle Nichols’s memoir is a really interesting read about what it was like to be one of the only black Americans on prime time TV at the time, and read her reflections on the complicated sexism and racism of the time and how she still felt able to inspire black girls to be scientists.
            It’s… IDK. If you’re looking for a show to offer really interesting insight into the mid/late 60s, the original series is a good one. Similarly, TNG was a creature of the 80s/90s. The other shows didn’t lean into social commentary in the same way.

    11. lazy intellectual*

      I still enjoy TV shows and movies from the early 2000s, but you would be hard pressed to find popular ones that are completely unproblematic – ESPECIALLY when it comes to gender issues. In the early 2000s, most shows used sexual harassment as a punchline (like AHAHA look at how stupid these guys are, rather than, this shit needs to stop. I think it’s why it wasn’t taken seriously for so long.)

      Some examples:

      I really like The Office – you need to be tolerant of a certain kind of humor (it’s about very obnoxious people), and there is nothing super problematic in it, but the sexual harassment stuff would NOT fly if written in the #MeToo era.

      I also recently binged Gilmore Girls, which I also enjoyed, but some storylines definitely wouldn’t fly today. (The part were Kirk breaks into Lorelai’s house to install a security system, and the relationship btwn Paris and her college professor.)

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I actually realize these haven’t aged well lol so don’t watch them.

    12. Morningstar*

      Community? I just watched the whole thing & love how it subverts common tropes.

      New Girl? Though Schmidt does have some crappy lines about Indian people (but the Indian characters themselves seem normal/3-dimensional) and I don’t love the “I used to be fat” trope.

    13. Radar’s Glasses*

      I enjoy “In the Heat of the Night” tv series now shown on Amazon Prime. Carroll O’Connor as the Police Chief and Howard Rollins as Detective Tibbs. Integrated cast, and everyone gets an episode focused on them thru the 8 season series.

      1. pancakes*

        I’ve never seen the show but the movie with Sidney Poitier is terrific. I went to a screening of it introduced by Lee Grant — she’s still going strong!

    14. Sciencer*

      For some pure fluff, I was amazed how much I enjoyed bingeing Virgin River. It’s based on a romance novel and I should have hated it based on my general tastes, but for some reason it was pure comfort food and I was sad when it ended. There’s only one season so it won’t get you far, but maybe worth a try.

      I haven’t been able to convince my husband to try The West Wing yet, but I hear great things about it. For a slow-paced, thoughtful series, try Abstract: The Art of Design. I wouldn’t necessarily call it binge-worthy, but I like to watch an episode here and there for a change of pace.

      1. Morningstar*

        Ooh, have you tried Sweet Magnolias? It’s also romance + quaint small town life + female leads.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Do you mean Steel Magnolias? That was a good film but wow don’t watch it when you’ve got family in the hospital with issues deriving from diabetes. Especially not alone.
          (One guess how I watched it…)

          1. Morningstar*

            No, Sweet Magnolias is a new Netflix series! It’s a drama so it has its ups and downs but I think it’s pretty balanced.

            Steel Magnolias is rough even when watched during good times so I don’t envy you there :(

    15. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Don’t know if it’s available for US Netflix, but here I go.
      Los Simuladores. The only mainstream tv show I’ve watched in real time. Twenty years later it’s still relevant, quoted and even used for memes. Interesting concept, excellent actors, superb writing (some plot twists blow my mind even today), full of small details that make them realistic, which is even more surprising for a medium-to-low-budget series shot in through one of worst economic crisis I’ve lived so far. Two seasons of 13 episodes each.
      (I think I outed myself with this recommendation, but I don’t care)

    16. Chaordic One*

      I liked “Devious Maids,” as a light, but still interesting and amusing show. It was a bit simple-minded and improbable but still with clever witty dialog, character-driven humor (often black humor) and high production values. It was nice to see so many Latinas in the cast and I especially liked the character played by Ana Ortiz. Many of the people responsible for the show had just come off of “Desperate Housewives” which ended the year before “Devious Maids” came on and there is a certain similarity in the style of the writing and production. Still, “Maids” has aged better than “Wives.”

    17. JerryTerryLarryGary*

      Parks and Rec. And Taskmaster and Would I Lie to You have lots of episodes on YouTube, British shows that are light and funny.

    19. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m not sure if it’s available on Netflix, but despite the fact that I haven’t watched television in many years, I love the old episodes of the British series The Avengers. It was ground-breaking at the time with Mrs. Peel as an action hero. The show is a fun blend of a spy show and wit.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I don’t think it is still on Netflix, but it is on Amazon Prime. It was a show that evolved over time. During the first year of the show the star was a police surgeon and John Steed (played by Patrick Macnee) was his main assistant. John Steed took over as the main star at the beginning of the second year and he had several great female assistants over the run of the show.

        Before Emma Peel (played by Diana Rigg) there was Cathy Gale (played by Honor Blackman) and after Emma Peel there was Tara King (played by Linda Thorson). These three female characters were all pioneers in how they showed women as being both strong and intelligent. The shows with Honor Blackman were kind of dark and serious, but the show took on a lighter, more tongue-in-cheek comic approach with Diana Rigg and that continued with Linda Thorson.

    20. Hi there*

      This isn’t on Netflix, sorry, but the hubs and I are enjoying watching “Elementary” on Hulu. It is a really absorbing version of Sherlock Holmes. The episodes are short, and the seasons are long, so lots of shows for us to watch.

    21. CastIrony*

      If you liked The Bug Bang Theory, I’ve seen clips of Young Sheldon on YouTube, and it doesn’t seem bad.

  16. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I read a few of the threads last week that had information on what to look for when buying a house, and I bookmarked them for future reference because there was a lot of great information there. I had a similar question but related to rentals. We’ve rented apartments in the past but will be looking at houses this time around.

    We’ve narrowed down the area and general timeline. In the past we’ve rented apartments with a live-in super so minor repairs were taken care of. The things I looked at for each future apartment were based on my previous living situation. for example, when I lived in a basement that flooded constantly and was a little bit further away from public transit, the next place had to be an apartment and near public transit. The next place I found ticked those boxes, but then had roaches so the next place needed to be roach-free in addition to the previous requirements.

    So in our current property, we have the following “invisible” issues?

    -water leaks through the windows when it rains

    -basement flooding issues

    -our insulation is terrible. our winter bills are easily $600+. Since its’ a house we will be paying the utilities.

    -thank God no roach problem here but I’m still dead terrified of them.

    When I’m looking at rentals, how will I be able to determine these? I mean let’s say I visit on a warm sunny day, it’ll be hard to tell if there’s rain flooding or bad heating. Not sure how much of this is location specific, I can provide that if it is necessary.

    1. Katefish*

      One useful thing, possibly: Just flat out ask and watch people’s facial expressions as they respond. You can also usually see/smell water damage.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep. When future tenants asked me in front of the agent, I was very careful in my phrasing. As a result they left a pair of gloves on my counter. When they came back an hour later without the agent for their gloves, I gave them my own tour. Shockingly, the agent had neglected to mention to them that the floor had moved 3” away from the walls on one side of the house and that we’d had to have the front door adjusted four times in two weeks so it would continue to line up with the jamb to actually, you know, latch and lock. So that might be a thing too – “forget” something and then go back for it and ask questions without the letting agent present. Results not guaranteed, but.

    2. Kuododi*

      A personal suggestion once you’ve narrowed it down to the top 2-3 houses. Take time to drive thru those neighborhoods after dark. Pay attention to things such as after dark activity, noise if any, lighting for safety and all other related issues.

      That trick has been quite helpful for DH and myself. (In one case it saved us from a 3am garage band with delusions of fame and fortune.). Best regards.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        When I moved to a totally new area that I wasn’t familiar with, I saw such a range of prices for similar items that I called the police department and asked about the neighborhood. The person who answered the phone identified one of the neighborhood as a high crime area. New coverage verified that within a few months. :(

    3. legalchef*

      Where are you looking? Some cities have publicly accessible records of complaints from tenants.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        We’ve narrowed it down to a few areas in New Jersey that are within an hour commute of NYC.

        1. legalchef*

          You should google around and see if they have an equivalent of NYCs Department of Housing Preservation and Development, which has everything online. You can also try googling for the county name + tenants rights and might get some useful resources.

        2. AVP*

          Do you currently live in the area? If you don’t – I grew up there and would highly, highly recommend doing a mock commute into NYC from whichever town you settle on. My experience is just that each little town has a wildly different commute, even places that are only a couple of miles away from each other, so you want to make sure you’re happy with the one you end up with.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            No, I live in an NYC borough. I was looking at listings the other day and spent time looking up each area’s commute. I don’t have a job atm, so that could open me up to working within NYC or even within Jersey since I drive.

    4. Gatomon*

      You can call the utility company and tell them you’re considering renting a property and they will usually give you the average or high/low bill.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s a great idea, I didn’t think of that. i have friends who live in the area I m looking at and they told me around how much their bills are but its just 1 person…could vary amongst the diff properties and areas.

    5. Clisby*

      Since you loathe cockroaches (who doesn’t?) ask whether pest control is included in the rent. It’s been years since we rented a house, but the last time we did the lease specified that the landlord was responsible for quarterly pest control and monthly lawn maintenance.

    6. MizPurple*

      The general orientation of the house to the sun – my last house was on the “cold” side of the street, meaning that in winter I was trying to clear my car and shovel walks without the benefit of whatever morning sun was available. The opposite side of the street got sidewalks and windows nicely thawed and melted. Added negative was that the deck on the back of the house was pretty much unusable during the summer and early fall months because it got too hot! And would fry any plants I tried to grow back there.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        hunh that’s interesting. I wouldn’t even know how to figure that out. Isn’t shovelling the responsibility of the owner/landlord? or is that dependent on teh state/terms of lease?

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          It’s determined by what direction the house faces. The north side of the house will always get more sun than the south side, and the east will get more sun in the morning and the west more sun in the evening.

          As for snow removal, it can vary. Apartment complexes will usually clear sidewalks and parking lots, but for individual houses it’s often your responsibility.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Hoping it’s not too late to ask this but this just occurred to me –

      Does applying to multiple rentals affect your credit score? I’ve been looking at listings and they just say must have good credit. I remember back when I was looking for apartments they wanted to run our scores which I know they could reduce it.

      Is this something particular to certain areas (NYC vs NJ) or dependent on landlord/type of property say a private home vs apartment?

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Just a little concerned because I’ve worked hard to get my credit score up to 700 and don’t want it to be ruined by constant checks. Not sure how it goes on that end

      2. fhqwhgads*

        My understanding is if you have multiple credit checks for the same thing in a short period of time, they basically count as “one” because the algorithms are smart enough to tell this is someone shopping around. Of course the algorithms are all proprietary and no one really knows exactly what they do, but I’ve always been told not be concerned about this, just as you wouldn’t be concerned about multiple banks running your credit during the same month while shopping for a mortgage or car loan.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Thanks. Something to research over. I try to compare some of the online applications to see what they say. So far the only things I caught were deposits/last month rent etc.

  18. Beancat*

    How do you stay motivated when working on a big project that gets hard?

    I’ve been writing a manga for the Shojen Jump Tezuka Contest and I’m very excited to do it! But with how badly my hand has been hurting lately my motivation wanes some days. This is something I want more than anything, but some days are harder than others. Are there any tips or anything you could tell yourself to get yourself motivated again in the moment?

    1. LGC*

      So wait, let me get this straight: your main difficulty is that your hand hurts, right? I’d be a little worried about injury, myself. Take care of yourself so you can finish!

      1. Beancat*

        There’s that part of it – I’ve talked with my doctor and it’s essentially overuse. I’m trying to be mindful about what activities I do so I don’t cause strain. I promise I’ll be careful and take care of myself! :)

        A lot of it is also just general motivation – sorry, I don’t think I worded that clearly! When I was younger I would often back out of something if it got hard because family always crowed about being perfect. I’m working on that with my therapist but I wondered if anyone had tips for pushing through that bit, or lack of motivation.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Are there exercises you can do to help your hand? Can you use your other hand to make notes or basic drawings that will remind you of what you want to do?

          You need to listen to your body when it says it hurts. If you don’t, you’re likely to hurt yourself more.

          1. Beancat*

            I try to do stretches but can find more! The good news is I have my entire storyboard done, this crunch is just me trying to get ahead of my deadline. I could ease up for a while and do fine for time, I think.

        2. Katia*

          I usually tell myself that I’m going to do something related to the project for just 5 minutes, and then I can stop. It works quite well for me

        3. StrikingFalcon*

          Can you experiment with some braces? They might help, even if you only wear it when you aren’t drawing (to help your hand rest) and take it off to draw. I’m not sure what part of your hand hurts, but this works with carpal tunnel.

      2. Fikly*

        Yeah, not wanting to do something that is causing you pain is not a motivation problem, it’s a pain problem.

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      Beancat, I am sorry that you are in pain! I have pins in both of my hands, so I know pain. :) I use tight wrist braces when I need to. They can be used when typing but are not great for writing. I alternate between typing and writing whatever I am working on to reduce the pain. It works, sometimes.

      But for motivation – when I was writing a short chapter book of critter stories for a child in my building last Christmas, I had days where I couldn’t get going on the stories at all, and had a deadline looming. I stayed motivated by imagining my little animal characters visiting me and telling me what they were up to, even if ‘their’ accounts didn’t fit with the narrative I was building for each one. Even snippets of ‘their’ visits helped, as I wove them into the stories, or changed the direction of the stories completely. I just kept talking to the characters in my head, and that gave me little pieces to be going on with. That organic process really took off the pressure of creating a linear tale, and gave me a jumpstart at times when I wasn’t motivated to do any actual writing.

      And as a manga writer I am sure you are quite an artist. I can sorta draw, so I did line drawing critters to go with each story, with the anyone-can-draw guidance of Sachiko Umoto’s Let’s Draw Cute Animals book. My little neighbor also wanted a coloring book, so that addressed that! :) And sometimes I drew the critters before the story and hung them on my fridge to start the conversation with them about their story fodder.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        And I meant to add – I too grew up in a ‘you’re perfect or worthless’ family script, and the way I surpass it now is to remind myself that those beliefs were not mine, but theirs, and that I am an independent adult who has done okay for herself, and that that was a very long time ago. Good enough is good enough, and I am the only judge I care about. Nobody deserves the pressured yoke of perfection. :)

      2. Beancat*

        I love the idea of your characters visiting you! I’ve always done that kind of thing and I think it does help :)

        I’m so sorry you know pain too! I’m definitely keeping an eye on it with my doctor and once this is finished will probably take a big creative break.

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Good, yes! Keep an eye on it, and keep letting us know here how your contest entry is evolving. I have been following it since you mentioned it first and are cheering for you! :)

          1. Beancat*

            Thank you so much! I’ve gotten three pages sketched in two days (finished 12 of 54)… my hope is to have the sketching done by June so I can go nice and slowly with inking in July!

            1. Nervous Nellie*

              Yay sketching, and yay inking! Keep it up as well as you are able. What a positive and exciting pursuit!

    3. Not A Girl Boss*

      It’s a little tough to give advice since this is a pain thing more than a motivation thing – probably a good idea to get that looked like.

      But my standard advice is “motivation comes and goes, it’s discipline that carries you through.” If you have strong habits to fall back on, it will matter much less whether or not you “feel” like it on a given day. For example, if you get up every morning and write 2 pages, regardless of how good or bad the two pages are, that’s a really good habit. Then on particularly motivated days you can use those to do more of the critical thinking / editing, go back to fill in the blanks, etc.

      I’m a powerlifter and there are definitely days I don’t feel like doing my workout. But I go through the motions anyway, just to maintain the habit. Half the time I feel a lot better by the time I finish my warmup sets. Other days I don’t. And some particularly motivated days I do extra.

      2. Beancat*

        I’ve been working with my doctor and will definitely continue to keep an eye on it!

        I think it’s true sometimes you just have to do it, even for a bit. You mentioning going through the motions to keep the habit is really good advice, so thank you!

    4. LQ*

      I’d agree that this is not a project gets hard thing. This is a RSI issue. I’d have stuff like this with my voice when I was doing a lot of recording. Shifting to another element of the project can be helpful. So if you’re hand hurts from drawing, taking some time to sketch (not literally) the story elements, edit those pieces, etc. Or shifting to do some…intense work on the other side as a consumer. (For me it would be listening to a book with a really intense focus, disecting it, pulling the audio into an editor and just looking at that.) Or doing some learning, an online course or the like.

      But you gotta give your hand time to recover. (Honestly, I’d read about how the pros in your field handle RSI issues too. That’s well worth your time here.)

      1. Beancat*

        The more I read down the replies the more I’m realizing I do need to rest my hand. I’m going to try to do more of that this week!

        I often forget that doing other parts of a project is still working on it! Maybe I can spend some time icing my hand and tapping through e-manga on my laptop with my non-drawing hand.

        1. PollyQ*

          Please take your hand pain seriously. I know a number of people who permanently injured themselves by not being attentive enough to RSI issues. Second the recommendation to try voice-to-text, which has gotten better in recent years.

        2. LQ*

          Absolutely take it seriously and rest it. It may not be full blow RSI or carpal tunnel yet, but you get that by overworking yourself continuously and restressing stress. Be careful with it.

          I don’t know if there are groups for the contest you’re a part of (I’m sure there are for manga authors though) but it may be useful to ask for tips there too. I know that for authors and vo work there are and there are tips and support there both for the RSI and for the motivation that can be really useful. (As long as you don’t end up with those forums as another distraction!)

          Good luck!

          1. Beancat*

            I’m currently replying to this with a swipe keyboard and my non dominant hand :) I’m definitely going to be more careful. Thank you for the suggestions to find a group! I’ll see what I can do!

    5. Purt’s Peas*

      Yeah, I would not discount how much your hand pain is affecting your motivation!

      That said, I’d start to break down the tasks you have to do into things you can accomplish, or change up your workflow a bit. I’ve found that in any project you get small accomplishments as you finish steps, but those are diminishing returns as you progress—it just not as meaningful to finish the thirtieth panel as it is to finish the first. So I usually have to do a bit of thinking to figure out how to finish a project in a satisfying way. I’m terrible at delayed gratification :p

      Also take care of your hand!

      1. Beancat*

        It really is satisfying to make accomplishments happen. Hmm…maybe while taking a break and resting my hand, I can think about how to break down this big task.

        I’m working with a doctor, and I promise I’ll take more time to rest!

    6. Beancat*

      Thanks for all the well wishes and concerns about my hand! I promise I’m working with a doctor on it and at this point it’s just overuse, not carpal tunnel or anything. I need to be more mindful about which activities I do and rest more often.

      I do also have general motivation issues at times! There’s days where my hands are fine and I look at my tablet and go “Mmm…maybe not right now…”

      I will definitely focus on resting my hands when I’m not drawing!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Late here, but will try to offer some encouragement.

      I have a project where I need to move 22 LARGE plants out several feet from where they are now. I look at this project and tell myself “I’m gonna die. These plants are going to kill me.” (Whoops- poor self talk!!!)
      I decided to break the project into many smaller parts. (NOT happy here. It feels like I will spend the rest of my life moving these monsters.)
      So I started by getting rid of the plants I will not be keeping. I figured I needed to get rid of 11 of them. I divided this project down further by digging 3 plants per day. (These are large and heavy plants. Digging three of them a day is at least 3 hours probably longer.)
      Surprisingly that went a bit easier than I anticipated. And even though it took three days to get them all, I did enjoy the part where I could just give them to people. (Rewards are important!)

      So now I have 11 left. Crap. I did not notice the other 3 in the corner. 14 left. I went out and moved the three in the corner the other day. It really did not go as badly as I thought it would. I got the corner cleaned up and put a plant in that I really enjoy. (Another reward!)

      Now I am back to the last 11. It’s taken me 4 days to move 14. So even though I am on the downhill side of this, it’s still daunting to me. I have to deliberately NOT think about the remaining group and just concentrate on the current set of 3. I have to stick to my promise to myself to quit when my back starts hurting. I have to say encouraging things to myself. I have to sit with a hot pack……. It’s all about balancing everything out, balancing the work load, balancing the pain treatment plan, and balancing out my self-talk so that I can let myself be proud of the parts I DID do. I did not expect this to go as well as it has been going so that gives me encouragement to keep showing up and working my plan.

      (Yes, 14 does not divide by 4 and equal 3. I had two days where I took out one more plant because one of the three came out much easier than the others. I dug an extra one on those days. But after number 4, I quit for the day. I had to know that I could quit for the day- that was important.)

      1. Beancat*

        I agree sometimes it can be hard to look forward and that sometimes it’s best to focus on what’s right in front of you. Good luck with moving all of your plants! Balance is the key in a lot of things :)

    8. Healthcare Worker*

      Have you considered getting a talk-to-text app? Recently there was a thread with a lot of good suggestions. Then your hand can rest and you can write!

      1. Beancat*

        When I get to a point I’m making text bubbles I may do this! The entire script is already written which helps on that front – now the issue is just drawing the panels in which to put the bubbles :)

  19. Ducksgoquack*

    Can anyone else relate to giving people the benefit of the doubt….too much? I’ve been doing serious reflection lately and I realise I have been way too understanding about crappy behaviour. As a result I have missed major red flags about another person’s shady character.

    I don’t want to judge people unfairly but it’s meant I subconsciously make excuses for awful people.

    1. LibbyG*

      I have that tendency. I’ve been described as being very “accepting.” I’ve gotten better over the years at being accepting of people but not their behavior. I can’t identify any specific strategies for that. It’s just a gradual reframing.

    2. Venus*

      It is human nature. As in, studies* have shown that we are wired to believe others. So you are normal. For your benefit it is better to learn to question others and their red flags, but don’t criticize yourself for trusting others.

      * full disclosure: someone I trust read about this recently, not me, so I don’t know the details of the studies and I don’t have the enthusiasm to look right now

    3. Anon for this*

      I found that I was far more accepting when people were crappy to me, but when they pulled the same with my kids I woke up and finally limited contact. It might help to frame it that way. If you don’t have kids, maybe focus on someone else you care about. Would you give this person the same benefit of the doubt if the crappy behavior was directed at kid/sibling/dear friend?

      1. Disco Janet*

        Ducksgoquack, be aware that this method is not foolproof and depends on the person. Some people go all mama bear/protective when they see others treated this way, but some people will just encourage the person being treated badly to give the benefit of a doubt. I cannot tell you how many times my mother has tried to talk me out of being upset that her sister treated me badly and given a million ridiculous excuses for her behavior. She does this when people she doesn’t know are the one treating her or us badly too. In her mind, I’m being unnecessarily upset and causing problems when I could just come up with reasons to excuse their behavior. In my mind, she’s teaching people that it’s okay to be nasty because she’s so afraid of rocking the boat that she’ll never stand up for herself or anyone else.

        My advice would be to think about WHY you are giving this person the benefit of a doubt.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Oof – I definitely blame my mother for the way I am now. My mother has no sense of boundaries and normalizes abusive behavior and has projected this onto me. This goes both for herself – she allows people to walk all over her – and the way she treats me – doesn’t respect my boundaries. She has also defended every toxic relationship I have ever had, and told me the reason I couldn’t preserve any of them was because *I* was the problem.

          I know always blaming your parents has an expiration date, but there is a reason people end up the way they are.

    4. Reba*

      You don’t want to judge people unfairly — you want to judge them *fairly*.

      That seems simplistic but was actually a really helpful reframe for me. Yes, it is good to judge someone by what they do and say! That’s who they are!

    5. lazy intellectual*

      GUILTY AS CHARGED. This has actually been on my mind a lot this weekend so its interesting someone brought it up here!

      I’ve gotten sliiiiightly better at this the past couple of years, but I still err on the side of ignoring problematic behavior. I think the times I have done this the most is when TECHNICALLY both of us were at fault, but the other person used it as an excuse to just be very nasty, yell, etc. Both times I had made honest mistakes and apologized, and they doubled down in their behavior. But since I messed up I felt like their right to be nasty and yell was more important than my right to be…not verbally abused?

      Luckily, both times I was able eventually remove myself from the situation and no longer interact with them. Nowadays, I need to repeatedly remind myself that I have control over the types of relationships/interactions I bring into my life, and to not just accept whatever behavior comes my way. I also don’t need good, objective “reasons” to decide I don’t like someone and don’t want them in my life.

      2. Ducksgoquack*

        Your last sentence is an eye opener for me.

        I recently blocked contact with a friend. I felt guilty and questioned myself whether there were “good enough” reasons for doing so. But you’re so right. Like, it’s fine to choose company based on what brings us pleasure rather than what doesn’t cause pain.

        Thanks for sharing your wisdom :D

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I’m glad I was helpful on some way. I wish you the best in finding more fulfilling relationships.

    6. leukothea*

      Yes, I have had a lifelong tendency to do this. For me, it came as a coping mechanism from childhood issues in which a loved parent treated me very unfairly. I made endless excuses for them because I was a child and it was terrifying to think that a parent could really mistreat me, so they must have had a good reason. It was also a way of asserting some internal mirage of control over a situation in which I was helpless. These coping mechanisms helped me when I was a kid, but they are not helpful in adult life. They led me to excuse truly awful behavior based on my dream that someday the behavior would magically get better.

      For me, it has been a long journey towards judging others based on what they actually say and do, not based on my wishful thinking about what I assume they have the ability to say and do.

      1. Generic Name*

        I totally agree it’s a coping mechanism. And to add to your second paragraph, watch to see if someone’s words match their actions. Do they do what they say they will do? That one was a hard one for me.

    7. Generic Name*

      Yes, I’m guilty of this too. I think people who you know well deserve the benefit of the doubt. People you’ve just met? Judge them on their actions now. Trust is earned, and I think that being given the benefit of the doubt should be earned too.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I don’t want to judge people unfairly but it’s meant I subconsciously make excuses for awful people.

      This sounds all too painfully familiar. There’s a balance between judging people unfairly and making excuses. For me what’s helped is just age and experience. And asking around for gut-checks cz sometimes something seems off to me but could be totally reasonable or vice versa.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I found boundaries books very helpful. It got me started thinking about where my lines are.

      The most helpful thing anyone ever told me was what my wise friend said: If you see a behavior three times, then you have a pattern. You should address that pattern in some manner. [Tell them to stop, or move away from them, whichever.]

      As I worked with this idea, it dawned on me that there are some things I only need to see once: screaming at a small child; kicking a pet; or reckless driving. (These are just a few examples, there are other things that I am not “good with” also.)

      Here’s one last thought, just because we understand why a behavior is happening does not automatically make that behavior okay. “Well, my friend is screaming at her small child because Friend’s mother screamed at her.” Well, yes that is why it’s happening but it was not okay when Friend’s mom screamed at Friend and it’s still not okay when Friend screams at her toddler.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yes to all of this. I’m so tired of the “they had a hard life…” It’s not on other people to emotionally manage problematic people who have had a hard life, especially when there are plenty of other people who ALSO went through hardships without being toxic to others. Same goes for people with mental illness.

        1. Wishing You Well*

          Just a head’s up: I read “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. It’s VERY Bible-oriented. Nothing wrong with that but one should know that before buying and/or reading the book.

          1. RagingADHD*

            True. Personally I found most of the Bible quotes to be pretty accurate descriptions of human dynamics, rather than preaching. So unless the Bible as a book of traditional wisdom is a no-go for someone, Id say it’s worth it.

            One example that sticks with me is the discussion of “bear one another’s burdens” vs “each one should carry their own load.” The original language for burden meaning a special difficulty or hardship, while the word for load indicated your ordinary life stuff that everyone deals with day to day.

    10. Holly*

      I feel like this was me for most of my life. If someone wronged a friend of mine, I would have an appropriate boundary about that and respond accordingly, but as soon as someone wronged me, I would be able to think up a million reasons for why it might be understandable or okay, actually, or whatever. I therefore opened myself up to a lot of shitty treatment that I look back on now and go, oh my god.

      The number one thing that got me out of this habit was unfortunately, being treated like shit over and over again. Now, I have very sensitive boundaries (probably over-sensitive) and won’t take any kind of shit.

      However, I don’t recommend that method of going about things, because it means you suffer and become bitter lol. What I do recommend first over all things is therapy, probably CBT aimed at creating healthy boundaries – therapists will have many more tools at their disposal that may help you than we will. This might not even need to be one on one – in my area, psychiatric outpatient clinics in hospitals offer free group sessions aimed at building particular skills, such as distress tolerance, boundaries, etc. Therapy can sound scary sometimes but often if you’re just looking for a skill, it’s a shorter-term thing where you go and get the information and then practice it (easier said than done haha).

      Some of what a therapist may do is have you focus on your feelings. How does it make you feel when X person does Y? How would it make you feel if X person did Y? Why does it make you feel that way? For me, I was conditioned at a young age to not trust my feelings, and to block them out, as a survival mechanism. That survival mechanism worked at the time, but no longer works, so it was time to say thanks and goodbye, and start getting in touch with my feelings. Being in touch with feelings can be really hard for a lot of people, especially if a person has buried them for most of their life. If this is your case (not assuming but trying to be helpful!), I’d recommend google image searching “feelings wheel”. There are a lot of them, so you might want to look at a few to see which one works best for you, but basically the idea is a person starts from the inside quadrants with a “main” or big emotion, and then moves outward to help narrow down the specific emotion they’re feeling. This can help with recognizing and naming emotions, which helps internally to make sense of things, and also helps communication when trying to express how one is feeling. Then basically, practice is the thing. Feeling a confusing emotion? Try to recognize that, sit with it, maybe bring out the wheel if it feels helpful, analyse, learn, etc.

      For me, the next step was the ‘trusting my feelings part.” The truth is that you can end relationships for any reason you want. You don’t actually even need a reason. Or you can decide any behavior is unacceptable to you. A quirk of personality that you’re not interested in. Etc. If someone makes you feel a way you don’t like, that is enough of a reason to end the relationship. You don’t need permission, you don’t need to suffer some predetermined amount before you’re allowed to call it quits, you don’t have to try a certain (unspecified) amount before giving up on someone/a relationship (this is a big part of what got me into trouble in the past – the idea that “everyone can get along, if only you try hard enough” …. yeah, if one person becomes a doormat, sure you can ‘get along’ with everyone). You get to decide what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. Whether that’s broad strokes or very specific things is up to you. For example, if a person, but especially a man, is wearing white rimmed sunglasses – I do not want to know that person. That’s a boundary of mine. It might seem goofy or shallow to other people but I don’t care! An example of a more serious boundary is that I won’t be friends with people who are rude to anyone in a service industry or retail industry. The list goes on…

      Not being in touch with my feelings and acting accordingly with them is a very big part of why I let people treat me like garbage for so long. Everyone, including YOU, deserves to be treated with respect and kindness and love, and as soon as someone doesn’t do that, that’s important information they’re giving you about their character. Meanness doesn’t come into the picture, you can just say “oh, I see how this is, now. No thanks.” and move on your merry way. I like what another commenter said below too, of course you don’t want to judge people unfairly, but we do want to judge people fairly. And the other key part of this learning for me was that actions really do speak louder than words. I think that axiom is kind of hard to process by itself because it’s been repeated ad nauseum but like… someone doesn’t text you back? That’s communication. Someone calls you mean names ‘playfully’ but it happens all the time? That’s communication. Pretty much everything humans do is communication of some kind and to be like “oh well, I can’t know what they mean, maybe they didn’t mean it THAT way” is maybe kind of true, in that you’re not a mindreader, but again… how does their form of communication make you feel? If it’s bad, it doesn’t matter why they didn’t text back, or that the name-calling was “only a joke”. Good feelings only my friend!!! Thanks for reading my very long comment if you got all the way down here haha.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        This is suuuuuuper insightful. Every single sentence resonates with me.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Some shifts in my thinking that helped me a lot:

      1) Learning and valuing the distinction between “judging” and “discerning.” You can be wise and discerning about someone’s past, present, and likely future behavior, without judging them as evil, irredeemable, or worthless. If you discern that someone has a pattern of behavior that is hurtful to you, or even exhausting to you, you can decide that you are not here for it. That’s not any kind of judgment on their identity. It’s a decision about how to use your time in a positive way.

      2) Realizing that I am not a diety. Even if I were to judge someone, there are no cosmic consequences for them. They are not going to suffer or die because I judged them.

      3) Learning how to extend kindness and generosity without being emotionally enmeshed with someone, and what sorts of kindness are appropriate to different kinds of relationships. For example – I have an ex-friend who I have downgraded to an acquaintance because she stirs up trouble in friend groups. I will still babysit her kid in an emergency or give her zucchini from my garden, but we don’t hang out and I don’t take her into my confidence about anything.

      4) Realizing that I can be understanding about why someone behaves the way they do, without letting them do it to me. The metaphor would be a toddler who hits. I understand why they hit. I don’t think they are “bad” for hitting. I don’t hit them back. But I also don’t allow them to sit there and hit me over and over. I tell them it’s unacceptable, and change the environment so they cannot hit me anymore (such as by moving further away, taking them out of the high chair and ending the meal, etc.) And if they later want to hug me instead of hitting me, that’s great! I will hug them back!

      Obviously if part of the bad behavior is luring you in with friendliness/affection and then turning on you, that last part of #4 would not apply. It’s just a metaphor for how setting limits is not the same as “judging”.

  20. Vina*

    Topic for the week given all that’s going on: when white people try to be progressive and fail miserably in your fav pop culture.

    For example, I love Doctor Who, but it’s very white British post-colonial.

    Two examples: (1) Use of Geronimo. (2) The POV of the 50th anniversary (we should all just get along).

    I now the historical use of Geronimo in British military culture. Doesn’t excuse using it so cavalierly and carelessly.

    WRT to the 50th, if you make the earthlings Indians (from India) or Native Americans or pick a colony the Zygons the Europeans, you can see what the conclusion it comes to is deeply problematic and justifies colonialism.

    Everyone focuses on Moffat’s issues with gender, but he was majorly blind with respect to race and colonialism.

    Other examples: Treatment of Loki as a pure villain and Thor and Odin as the good-guys pre-Ragnorak. Odin was a colonial invader who took a child from his culture and denied who it was. Doesn’t excuse Loki, but Odin shouldn’t be viewed as anything other than horrible. What does he do to redeem himself of this crime? Other than “oops, sorry!”

    Also, there’s a discussion of Agatha Christie above. I hate how many people slag on Branagh’s MOTOE b/c he retconned it to make it less Lilly white and more in line with the diversity that existed back then. I hate, hate, hate white people getting upset with adding diversity.

    I’m not looking for people to tear apart/counter what I’ve said above. What I’m looking for is other examples that obgther people. The point is to get to critically think about how even “woke” and well meaning white folks can get it wrong.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Star Trek.

      I love Star Trek – check out my avatar – and will defend it till the day I die as I think they did an excellent job for most of the shows but there area couple of episodes that make me wince. The first one that comes to mind is early season 1 TNG, I think episode 4, and it’s called Code of Honour where an away team beams down to an alien planet that is just a white person’s idea of an African community – and I mean African in the way that they haven’t bothered to make any distinguishing features, they’ve just grabbed a mixed bag of what they think a tribal village looks like and jammed it onto a set. The entire episode was a little much.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        If it helps, the ENTIRE TNG cast agrees with you, and Frakes has said he’d be delighted if they just stopped releasing that one on DVDs etc.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Actually, that does help, thank you.

          I know that the TNG cast disagreed with a couple of episodes in the early seasons. I remember there was one about drugs that just really rubbed them the wrong way but they had to film it anyway, so I’m glad that this was also something they didn’t like.

          1. Queer Earthling*

            Yeah, for one of the best sci fi shows ever, TNG had some extremely horrible and/or stupid episodes. (They’re also collectively salty about The Outcast, which was supposed to be pro-gay rights but wound up being, like, Riker vs. The Evil Lesbian Cult.)

            1. allathian*

              Yeah, but even there, Jonathan Frakes said that the Outcast character should have been played by a male actor. It wouldn’t have been a problem for him to have Riker kiss a man and it would have improved the episode.

              1. Queer Earthling*

                Oh agreed. Not the fault of the cast at all. Most (not all, but most) of those decisions can be blamed on producer Rick Berman.

      2. No Tribble At All*

        Yes, and also, when a show that started so progressive has big gaps in later series. Voyager, for all its great women characters, has the very awkward Chakotay as an attempt at Native Americans, and poor Harry Kim gets stuck as Ensign for 7 years because he’s the Young Asian Dork. Enterprise mostly stars white men. Discovery had the first gay main characters!! And one of them promptly gets killed off. (I’ve only seen season 1, and apparently he comes back?) It’s much harder to say “ah it was good and groundbreaking for its time” when the time was the late 90’s.

        1. Generic Name*

          Aw, I love Voyager. This is a useful perspective, so I thank you for that. I said above that Voyager has aged well as TV show, but now I’m reconsidering.

          1. No Tribble At All*

            I mean I’m white so Your Milage May Vary on my opinion. It’s kinda shitty to be like “Voyager was the show for [white] women while Deep Space Nine was the show for Non White People” which is sorta what I felt like Star Trek did? I think DS9 had better female characters than Voyager had characters of color. I watched Ds9 before I watched Voyager so I have some nostalgia for DS9 — I’ve only watched Voyager once. Voyager has some good plotlines with B’Elanna being biracial iirc.

        2. allathian*

          It just goes to show how much the world has changed, in the 60s the miniskirts on Trek were seen as progressive, whereas I can’t see them as anything but horribly sexist.
          I love Star Trek in all the incarnations I’ve seen, but I admit I love Voyager less than the others (I haven’t seen Picard or Discovery yet). Mainly because the writing for Mulgrew was so inconsistent and because Voyager was made for a serial format, but it just came out a few years too early, before streaming and binge watching became a thing. One reason why I like DS9 so much is its more serial nature. The same can be said for Enterprise, I’m just sad that it got canceled after four seasons, just as it got going.

    2. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      The only thing Moffat is good at is killing characters. I’m still not over the balant queerbating in Sherlock and the wasted potential of a proper Mary redemption arc (my favourite theory is related to the AGRA usb drive) with John and Sherlock as side characters.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        Also, the plot twist in the Abominable Bride was so laaaaaaame!

        1. Reba*

          Yes, that was one of those moments that was such a bad ending it really diminished all the story/seasons that came before. A show I really enjoyed, mansplaining me in my own living room!

      2. Vina*

        No real spy would use a USB drive. The military doesn’t even use them. I used to work for a defense contractor. USBs were verboten. Too much of a security risk.

        Also, I have known a few intelligence officers who only use regular old pen and paper for anything that important

        One of many things in that show that make it clear Moffat and Gattis were too Divorced from reality

      3. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        Before I forget, the Mary Morstan theory was related to The Valley of Fear. It’s one of my favorite fan theories and it would’ve been perfect for season 4. Too bad they never used it.

    3. lazy intellectual*

      This is an obvious example but…Disney’s Pocahontas?

      I love this movie in itself – it’s so visually beautiful and I love the soundtrack, but the story and the context around it is super messed up. I’m not sure if the writers were trying to be woke or what, but depicting a Native American woman being romanced by a colonizer (even though he has redeeming qualities because NOT ALL WHITES ARE BAD YOU KNOW), esp when in real life John Smith and Pocahontas were 20 years apart and JS was likely kind of a creep, is all types of messed up.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I know that. (That is also messed up for its own reasons.) FWIW, Disney Pocahontas didn’t marry John Smith, either. It’s just, the set up sucks.

    4. Star*

      Firefly. I love that show and it’s my favorite of Joss Whedon’s works. I can simultaneously love the varied and interesting Black characters and note that there’s not a single Asian character in the whole series, in a heavily Chinese-influenced fictional universe. (Also Joss Whedon could have whole essays written about him on this topic in general — he exemplifies arriving at a place and staying there while progress catches up to and goes well past.)

      (Plus the REavers, which at first looked like a REALLY UNFORTUNATE trope. I’m not sure I can say the Movie redeemed the concept by showing where they came from, but i’m definitely glad of the extra info.)

      1. Avasarala*

        I have a whole essay I wrote on your first paragraph somewhere. That was my main complaint with the show–where are all these white folks learning Chinese from? Not a single Asian anywhere, not even in the background.

        1. Star*

          Depending on where you put it I may have read it and cheered. :) I read several such essays, not least when discussing/fighting about this topic with some people I knew.

          For example, nothing against Sean Maher and Summer Glau, but the Tams are so obviously Chinese it’s beyond annoying how they were cast.

        2. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

          The language situation is kind of explained by background info outside of the show – “Alliance” is short for the Anglo-Sino Alliance, which was formed by the cooperation of the US and China as they worked to leave Earth-That-Was. Most people in the Firefly ‘verse speak some amount of both English and Mandarin, and planets vary in which is the dominant tongue. They didn’t really get a chance in the partial season that aired to get into a lot of the history & underlying concept that has since been revealed.

          Obviously, within the show, they mostly used Mandarin to get around censors (rather creatively, too), not as a means of communication. And I’m not going to defend the lack of Asian cast members; even if not in the crew, there are plenty of opportunities for the show to have done better in diversity of casting. But Mandarin wasn’t chosen as random and in-universe it makes sense that all of the non-Chinese characters still know it.

    5. allathian*

      Just one counter here: I far prefer Suchet’s Poirot to Branagh’s, but my preference is all about the portrayal of the main character Poirot, it has nothing at all to do with diversity or the lack of it. I’m all for diversity.
      That said, some of the more disturbing fanfic I’ve come across has Poirot and Hastings as gay lovers, and I’m just like nonononono! Sure, they were roommates for a time but please don’t make everything into slash.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      Oh Star Wars for sure.
      With the exception of Lando and Finn and the various “aliens,” most of the main characters are white.
      And let’s not forget the tragedy of Jar Jar Binks. Just… Why?

      With Doctor Who, I think there are efforts being made, but yes, some things are still cringey.

      It’s the case with a lot of pop culture. You revisit things you thought you loved, but see the flaws you didn’t previously notice.

      Ultimately entertainments are the product of the inputs of many people. Imperfect people and imperfect society.

    7. Forensic13*

      If you like podcasts, the podcast Métis in Space looks at TV/movies that are Native-themed and critique them along these lines. The media that try and fail to be woke are often the ones that they hate most, heh.

  21. Lemon Meringue Pie*

    Memory foam mattresses: how have you found them?

    We’re trying an Emma on a 200-night trial. My husband liked it right away and I think I do too. Lots of reviews mentioned heat retention but we’ve had no issue with this despite very warm weather.

    Although I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to sit up in bed, as you end up in a dip / at a weird angle, so it’s more a case of lying down and propping myself up a bit on pillows and elbows. I probably sat up in bed more than I should have before – I have a chronic illness and need a lot of duvet days, and I like to read in bed.

    I figure I’ll move the duvet days to the sofa (seems worth it for a comfy sleep) and I’ve got into the habit of listening to audiobooks in bed instead (husband falls asleep immediately, I need something to help me drift off – got to love sleep timers). But I just hadn’t anticipated this issue and am now wondering if it was strange that I ever sat up in bed that much in the future.

    I looked online and it was weirdly difficult to find out about the sitting-up issue – people had asked about it and got unhelpful or sarcastic answers, and then there were unhelpful articles about how your bed should only be for sleep (unrealistic with my health).

    1. Vina*

      I have an adjustable bed with a memory foam mattress I got at costco. So sitting up isn’t an issue.

      The only downside to memory foam is, um, it can be more difficult to get traction during recreational activities.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        I’ve only recently discovered adjustable beds are a thing, but I don’t know how it would work with a partner if only one person wants to sit up?!

        1. Vina*

          Ours is a Cal King with two separate sections. Works fine.

          Typically, larger adjustable beds are split.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Is it strange that you sit up in bed a lot — no, not necessarily. I mean, I don’t pretty much ever, because I don’t have health issues and the closest I come to spending time in bed when I’m not sleeping is that pretty much every night I get ready for bed and lay down and read for 30-45 minutes before I put everything down and go to sleep, but I get up pretty much right away in the morning and pretty much don’t even go back into my bedroom during the day, let alone back to bed. But I could see sitting up in bed being a little fiddly on a memory foam mattress.

      Maybe one of those husband/bedstead type pillows might be useful? I guess that’s still just propping yourself up, so doesn’t really address any “I’m sitting in a giant divot” issues, but.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Reading in bed for 30-45 minutes = exactly the kind of thing I mean. But how do you read lying down? Do you hold the book up or something?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I read mostly on my phone, but yeah, hold the phone or book up. I don’t read hardcover books in bed because I’ve dropped too many on my face, which is actually why I got my first kindle – it was way lighter. :)

        3. Thankful for AAM*

          Lemon, I read lying down on my side. I read in my phone mostly, sometimes a kindle paperwhite. I prop the device against a pillow or a bit of blanket and touch to turn the page.

          1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

            It just never occurred to me to read lying down!

            I’m enjoying audiobooks though actually, and may just stick with those in bed,

          2. Jack Russell Terrier*

            My paperwhite cover can be used to prop up my kindle on the bed itself like a tent, so I can lie on my side and place my kindle where I like. This does mean I spend a lot time reading on my right side as obvs I can only do this on one side!

          3. allathian*

            I read lying down on my left side, but I’m pretty much limited to fairly thin paperbacks (300 pages or less) for reading in bed. Otherwise my left hand gets numb. I have a FF cup, so if I’m lying on my back it feels like I can’t breathe.

        4. Sciencer*

          Ok this is highly specific advice so may not work for you, but my husband and I literally had this conversation last night so I thought I’d chime in. I’ve always, always read while lying in bed, since childhood, and it never occurred to me that others… don’t? My husband swears I have abnormal hand strength/endurance from years of conditioning because I can hold a paperback book up with one hand for an hour or two (it’s a running joke but he’s also half-serious, as he physically can’t do it despite being much more fit than I am). He’s been trying to read more and this simply does not work for him.

          I got him a Kindle with a pretty hefty/stiff cover flap case, and he discovered that he can use the cover to prop it up sideways, so that he can lie on his side and read comfortably without having to hold anything. The only downside is that if I have a book I love, he has to buy it again on the Kindle, or find it through the library, rather than just reading my copy. But he’s a total convert and refuses to bother with print books anymore (whereas I’m the opposite, so as a family we still support our local shops ;)).

          1. allathian*

            I don’t want to have any electronic devices by my bed. I guess I could use a non-backlit e-reader, but I just prefer to read paper books. I do read ebooks on my commute sometimes, but it’s very rare. Those are usually free ebooks, mainly fanfic. I prefer reading long fanfic stories on the phone rather than on a computer screen.

    4. Jack be Nimble*

      I had a memory foam mattress for about a year and a half, and it just didn’t work for me. I overheated so easily and it turned out that I just needed a firmer and more supportive sleeping surface. My current mattress is a $200 innerspring from IKEA (we also got a box spring for another couple hundred) and I’ve slept SO much better in the year since making the switch!

      If you’re replacing a mattress, I do think it’s worth it to go to IKEA or another store where you can lay on the mattresses and test them out a little. A couple minutes was long enough for me to figure out which kind of mattress was going to be most comfortable for me!

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        I live in England and there is zero chance of me being able to try anything in a shop any time soon— they’re mostly closed and I need to stay out of them as I’m vulnerable to covid. In any case I can never figure this out in a few minutes – it’s great that you could! But that’s why we went for something on a trial where we can return it.

        We haven’t had the problem with being hot, I’m pleased to say!

    5. lasslisa*

      My sense is that the depression in my memory foam mattress is much less than in my old old spring mattress, but that may be a function of wear and tear or simply that the divot in the memory foam actually matches my body.

      They do have different firmness levels out there.

      I’ve found the heat retention to be really hard – I wake up sweaty a LOT now as we get into summer – but different brands have done different things to manage that.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Have had zero problems with heat retention despite it being very hot weather, so hopefully that will continue to not be a problem…

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      I hated my memory foam mattress. After a few months it felt like I was sleeping on a board. We gave it to our stepson and he loves it. Switched to an innerspring with an adjustable frame. Yes and thank you.

    7. fposte*

      I’m okay with a memory foam topper, depending on circumstances, but I’m a latex person. I like give but not surrender.

    8. Ewesername*

      I have a wedge “pillow” that I use for my duvet days. It’s more supportive than the pile of pillows. Love my memory foam mattress, although I did get a cooling gel mattress cover of the days I’m having, ahem, “my own private summers”

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        I was looking at those wedge pillows and wondering if they were a gimmick – I’ll give them another look, thanks!

    9. Dan*

      I replaced my bed in January, it was ten years old, and I had been waking up with semi-regular back pain. Several years ago, I had purchased a two-inch memory foam layer from Amazon or Costco, and I really like the top. I just wasn’t getting support for my lower back, and that was leading to soreness.

      I find bedding to be such a personal thing, and TBH, shopping online useless. All of the mattresses I reviewed all had great scores and rave reviews. I also knew there was no way I was going to buy a “bed in a box” online that I couldn’t try out ahead of time. (As luck would have it, there’s a store in my area that is essentially a show room for bed-in-a-box mattresses.) One of my big problems with “bed in a box” is that if you return them, there’s a good chance they end up in the landfill because they don’t get resold.

      I did get a chance to demo several different mattresses, and almost all of them did not offer any more support for my lower back than my current mattress did. I realized that those would just be a waste of time or money, because I’d either return it, or keep it buy not be completely happy.

      I ended up with a Tempurpedic with an adjustable base, and I absolutely love it. The kicker is that Tempurpedics are NOT CHEAP. I absolutely did not want to spend the money, but it was either that or keep what I had. The adjustable base makes sitting up in bed a non-issue, and it’s been months since I’ve had any back pain.

      If you really need the ability to sit up in bed, then I’d recommend looking into something called a “split base” (I think that’s the right term.) Some adjustable bases are a single base, so everybody gets the same position, but a “split base” will let each person do what they want. I think, though, that you’ll have to return your current mattress to do that. (It might be possible to get an adjustable base for your current mattress, but not a split base.)

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        It feels more meaningful trying them at home though as then you can actually sleep on them. I’ve always found it so strange trying beds in a shop! Even if it was possible now, it’s just not the same!

    10. KoiFeeder*

      I’ve just got a mattress pad rather than a full memory foam mattress, but I’m quite fond of it. The extra cushioning does a lot for pain and joints just falling out.

      1. MelMc*

        The last time I replaced my mattress I was given the recommendation to buy the firmest traditional mattress then top it with a 2-6″ memory foam topper. The logic was that the topper is easier to move and less expensive so you can change it out every couple of years as the foam breaks down. I prefer a very firm bed so I get the 2″ topper but if I wanted something different it would be as simple to change as a trip to Walmart. I’ve changed out the foam 3 times so far. The used foam has come in handy for restuffing pet beds and other projects.

    11. RagingADHD*

      We got a Nectar, and got the firmest one they had. No issues with sitting up, it’s really like a brick until you lie on it a while and gradually sink in. Even then you only sink in a tiny bit.

      It is very hot though. We put an extra cooling cover on it that’s supposed to stay cool to the touch. It’s a little better with that one, but I still wind up kicking the covers off a lot. Which is a bummer, because I love my weighted blanket!

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        We ruled out Nectar as they have major delivery delays over here and also I read some not great things about their service.

        1. RagingADHD*

          We got ours a couple years ago so service stuff always changes, it was fine at the time but that’s no guarantee now.

          I’m okay with being hot because it ended my back pain.

    12. Killer Queen*

      I have a Zinus mattress – my biggest issue is it gets HOT at night. It absorbs all your body heat! Great in frigid winter but wakes me up 75% of the year. I think all memory foam traps heat like that. And we only got a Full size so there’s no room to shift to a cooler patch.

  22. Medieval mysteries*

    For some reason I really love to read mysteries set in medieval/”old” times, and if with some monk or nun, even better – think Brother Cadfael, Dame Frevisse, Priscilla Royals’ books, etc. Does anyone have any other recommendations that might might fall within this category or adjacent?

    1. mreasy*

      If you haven’t read Eco’s In The Name Of a The Rose, it is a masterpiece of this genre.

      2. RC Rascal*

        I third this suggestion. Sean Connery movie from the 1980s is pretty good,too.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I’ve really enjoyed C. J. Sansom’s Tudor-era series featuring lawyer Mathew Shardlake; religion is a common theme of the plots, and the first book, DISSOLUTION, is focused entirely on a monastery that Shardlake (then working for Thomas Cromwell) is investigating.

      Another series I like: Mel Starr’s “Chronicles of Hugh de Singleton” – again, not a priest (Hugh’s a surgeon turned bailiff for the local lord), but given the setting there are many plots that involve the church one way or another. Lots of period detail along with the mystery plots.

      The “Sister Fidelma” series by Peter Tremayne might be of interest: set in the 7th century it’s well before medieval times, and features a Celtic nun who’s also an official advocate in the courts of law.

      1. Fikly*

        Massive +1 for Dissolution, which I am currently in the middle of the audiobook of, and am enjoying immensely.

    3. Roman Answer*

      Not the era you’re looking for, but Steven Saylor’s Sub Rosa series are murder mysteries set in Ancient Rome. The main character is a sleuth named Gordianus the Finder. They’re entertaining!

      1. MMB*

        Not the OP, but thanks for the rec! I downloaded Roman Blood yesterday morning ripped through it and just started Seven Wonders while cooking dinner!

    4. CatCat*

      “The Crown” by Nancy Bilyeau is going to be your jam. Nun, mystery, Tudor England.

    5. Nicki Name*

      If you can stand some magic in your mysteries, Dave Duncan has a couple historical series your might enjoy. The Alchemist series is set in Renaissance Venice with a protagonist who has a kind of Archie Goodwin-Nero Wolfe relationship with a famous fortuneteller. The Witchfinder General books are set in late 12th-century England and are also, to some degree, about history itself and how it gets suppressed or rewritten.

      1. Nicki Name*

        Sorry, that should be Enchanter General. My fingers were thinking of something else entirely.

    6. MMB*

      You might like the Charlotte and Thomas Pitt novels by Anne Perry she also does the William Monk series both are set in Victorian England.s

      Oh! I also love the Barker and Llewellyn series by Will Thomas. (The editing does seem to change in the last few books and I noticed one or two inconsistencies if that type of thing bothers you but otherwise a very fun series.)

    7. Nancy*

      Not medieval, or monks, but I’ve really enjoyed the Kamil Pasha novels by Jenny White. They’re set in late-Ottoman Istanbul. Jenny White is an anthropologist specialising in Turkey, and the historic details in the novels are great!

    9. IntoTheSarchasm*

      The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet. Historical Fiction about the building a Cathedral and politics within the Church and community. There is a sequel, the name escapes me. Not Ken Follet’s usual genre but a great read.

      1. Roman Answer*

        There’s two sequels: World without End and Column of Fire, both set in the same fictional city in other time periods. I think there’s an additional book coming in the fall too.

    10. lazy intellectual*

      I thought I was the only one! Following this thread – I have found my people!

    11. Generic Name*

      Pope Joan was really good. It’s a factionalized account of one of the early popes who supposedly was a woman who passed as a man.

    12. Karou*

      Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin. The books are excellent though can get very dark.

    13. KoiFeeder*

      Not exactly the geographical area you’re looking for, but I enjoyed the Judge Dee series quite a bit.

    14. pancakes*

      It’s not a mystery, but Sylvia Townsend-Warner’s The Corner That Held Them is set in the 14th century and it’s a superb book.

    15. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Maisie Dobbs series. they’re excellent. Wonderful storylines, beautiful character devlopment.

      They start out during the First World War and the author went to the Imperial War Museum and read countless letters home from the front. She has an effortless knack of capturing dialogue of and interactions of the period that she keeps as she moves through to the the Second World War. I love this because one of my biggest annoyance with period books is that people don’t react or talk as they did back then and it’s jarring.

    16. emm.ell.dee*

      Have you read any of Candance Robb’s books with Owen Archer? They’re set in England in the 14th century. It’s been years since I read one of her books, but I enjoyed them.

    17. NeverNicky*

      S G MacLean’s Alexander Seaton series is great. Set in North East Scotland in the early 1600s, Alexander is a disgraced minister of religion when the series opens.

    18. Love Mysteries*

      I love historical mysteries here are my suggestions which are a varied era:
      Excuse any repeats!
      Mary Reed
      Boris Akun
      Priscilla Royal
      Susan Spann- Shinobi
      Dale Furuntani
      John Maddox Roberts
      Jeri Westerston
      David Wishart
      M. Louisa Locke
      Deanna Raybourn- Veronica Speedwell
      IJ Parker
      Alan Bell Jr
      For laughs, this is a tiny story compilation of stories An Elderly Lady is up to no good – Helen Tusten

      Enjoy

    19. Seeking Second Childhood*

      How adjacent? This one’s a big step to the left, but has a big nod to your time period.
      Murder at the War (Peter and Kori Brichter Mystery, book 1) by Mary Monica Pulver
      It’s set within a history club event… think Boy Scout Jubilee but in historic clothing — and the ‘capture the flag’ tournament is in armor.

  23. LGC*

    Okay, so – I might as well do something a bit different, and something I should have done last month: I’m a black runner, ask me questions. I’m just one guy, so I don’t have all the answers (obviously).

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Hiya, thanks for putting yourself out here like this.

      I’m not a runner but I am an avid walker and enjoy listening to music and podcasts when I do so, is this something that you feel comfortable doing when you run, or do you feel that you need to keep your attention focused on your surroundings, particularly after Ahmaud Arbery’s murder?

      1. LGC*

        I’m pretty guilty of this myself! I usually have earbuds in when I go out.

        I’ve actually thought a bit more about my own safety lately. I live in a fairly progressive suburb just outside of NYC, so I’d gotten a bit relaxed since – like – I’m pretty recognizable anyway. But there have been times lately where I’ve caught myself thinking that I should have ID on me.

      1. LGC*

        …this is a hard question.

        I haven’t experienced direct harassment because of my race. (The club I run for is mostly white, although our captain is also a POC.) I have – of course – lived through a fair amount of awkward jokes involving my race in my time. (And – okay – because I deal with things with terrible jokes, I’ve kind of fed into it as well.) So I’m pretty lucky in that regard – at least so far.

    3. lasslisa*

      Is there something people in a neighborhood or passers by can do to make you safer or feel more welcomed, or would that actually be unhelpful?

      1. LGC*

        I’ll speak for myself, but I think what’s been helpful for me is that…in my neighborhood, I’m treated pretty normally. We routinely have runners passing by on my street, actually. So I’ll wave to people or (more likely) give them a thumbs up, but also it’s not that big of a deal if I don’t. So basically, “be friendly, but not overly so.”

        COVID kind of scrambles things – especially since I’m just outside of New York City, and here a huge portion of the population caught COVID. I’ve joked that now I’m crossing the street to avoid people!

    4. Generic Name*

      I don’t have any questions for you, but I do want to express my appreciation. I’ve been trying to tell my white friends not to ask the black people in their lives to do (more) emotional labor for them by asking them to tell white people what they should do to help. So thank you. And I know that this means very little, but I do want to apologize for the behavior of my fellow whites. We can, and should, do better, and I’m working with the leadership of my company to do just that.

      1. LGC*

        Thanks! I actually had to think about posting this precisely because of that issue – I don’t want to make it sound like just because I’m willing to answer questions this weekend, that all Black people are duty-bound to tell White America how to handle their guilt, or that we’re required to do emotional labor we don’t want to do. (One part of privilege: you feel like you can speak for yourself, as opposed to your entire group.)

        And…don’t take this the wrong way, but your apology means less than the fact that you’re taking action. I’m wishing you the best of luck.

    5. Lost in the Woods*

      Thank you for doing this! I’m a fairly new runner just getting involved in running communities. Is there anything I as white runner can do to combat racism in running, other than calling it out when I see it? Are there organizations that are particularly good to support and others to avoid?

      Also I just wanted to say that I’ve really appreciated all your running posts in past open threads!

      1. LGC*

        I think one of the things you can do is to seek out media that features runners of color, and notably black runners. (I’m biased, I’ll admit.) I’ll write from the perspective of competitive distance running (basically, “age groupers” up to elites – I’m SOLIDLY an age grouper here), but it’s often not shown as being a “black thing.” (Or rather, it’s seen as an “African thing,” not an “African-American thing.”) I’ll try to get some links together, although that might come tomorrow – I’m posting this Saturday evening.

        2. Lost in the Woods*

          Also, I imagine that this is a lot of work – I really appreciate the labor here.

        3. Ktelzbeth*

          As a white person, I hesitate to add to this thread, but I intermittently listen to a podcast called “300 Pounds and Running.” I started listening because it is geared toward middle to back of the pack runners who are trying to meet personal goals rather than win or set records, which definitely describes me. The host is African American and in several of the episodes has interviewed another runner in the BIPOC community and discussed of racism in running.

  24. Coco*

    Does anyone have any makeup/ fashion / trendy websites that you like? I read whowhatwear, the strategist and the cut, and the huffpost lifestyle section but looking for more, esp for older (gen x ) people. I sometimes read refinery29 but its target audience is a bit younger.
    Thanks

    2. nep*

      The prices are mind-blowing but I enjoy looking at revolve, just to see some trends.
      On YouTube, Audrey Coyne is sublime…I love her voice, her vibe, her tips. She’s unique and lovely.

    3. Lily*

      I love Justine Leconte on youtube. French fashion designer who knows a lot about the business and what colours and shapes look good on you and lots of other stuff. She just did a couple of interesting videos about the fashion industry and corona.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      I’m GenX and I like Get Your Pretty On. Her style is pretty on trend with lots of classics and very wearable wherever you are. She also creates capsule wardrobe subscriptions (like menu planning for clothes) and has a few free ones to get you started.

    5. Cimorene*

      It’s not technically a fashion site, but my favorite blog (other than AAM of course!) is Cup of Jo. they doa series called a “week of outfits” and one called “beauty uniform” and they have gotten pretty good over time featuring diverse age ranges, ethnicity and backgrounds. I highly recommend going back through the archives on those.

    6. pancakes*

      Not a site but Karen Brit Chick on YouTube! Despite the title she’s based in NYC. I particularly love her What Everyone is Wearing videos. She has a great eye for interesting people to talk to and her enthusiasm always cheers me up.

    7. cat socks*

      A couple of blogs I follow:

      Wardrobe Oxygen
      Makeup and Beauty Blog

      These are some YouTube makeup channels I watch:

      Hot and Flashy
      Risa Does Makeup
      Lisa J
      Stephanie Marie

    1. Lena Clare*

      I managed to get rid of that woody plant, which took days but was extremely satisfying. It filled 3 bin bags it was so huge, and the roots alone filled 1. It was a huge monster!

      But now the neighbourhood cats use the space left behind as a toilet uhh.

      1. Venus*

        Thanks for the reminder. I have an invasive bush that is much too big, about to destroy my fence, and I need to get rid of it including the roots. I should find something else to put in the hole, as I don’t have too many neighbourhood cats but holes are always a problem! ‘Nature abhors a vacuum’ applies to gardens as well.

    2. BethDH*

      The weather is cooperating, but critters got into all our baby sunflowers. The other plants are okay. We’re going to give sunflowers another go and maybe try some netting. Any other ideas?

      1. Venus*

        I have heard that sunflowers hate to be repotted, but I start mine indoors in damp paper towels to give them a better chance against the critters. I don’t know if it really helps them though!

      2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I had some roses to cut back so I laid all the thorny branches on top of my little seedlings in the hopes of discouraging the cats. I also squished a lot of aphids on one plant. It depends on what the critters might be.

        1. BethDH*

          Pretty sure it’s the squirrels or chipmunks; could be rabbits. Thorny branches might help. There are plenty of other tender greens so just making the balance tip in favor of clover in the yard might be enough. Thanks for the suggestion!

      3. Me*

        Consider tithonia. It’s also called Mexican sunflower. It’s the only thing I can grow in my yard that is remotely sunflower-like that the deer don’t mow down.

        Gets to be about 6’ tall and 2’ wide. Lots of zinnia sized orange blooms. Center stalk gets as thick as a sunflower.

        I start from seed inside in March in the PNW as it’s too cool to germinate the flower outside. I have about 20 of them throughout the yard this year. Bees and hummingbirds love them.

        1. cdn gardener*

          I grew tithonia last year (started seedlings inside) with great success. Attempted the same this year. Critter(s) (suspect rabbit and/or chipmunk) ate them entirely in the first few days.

          Interestingly, the critter(s) is/are also eating the parsley, basil and tomatoes this year. None of which have been touched in previous years.

          I’m using fleece, fencing, netting and plastic cloches in efforts to protect these plots now. We’ll see how it turns out.

          My big problem at the moment is the cucumber beetle. It destroys my squash, cucumber and melon seedlings. Has anyone had success in dealing with these?

          Overall this week has been discouraging – between the critters, the insects and the weeds I’m having a hard time keeping up. I’m pretty sure I feel this way every year. But by the end of July the garden is abundant and happy and I forget the early struggles.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      It’s become quite windy and cold here the last couple of days, but on the last warm day I planted out a few things that seem to be having no trouble with the weather. I have started yet another round of seeds as for some reason I had great success in February, which was a bit too early and half the plants died, but the second round of seeds mostly failed to germinate at all. I have no idea why as I would have thought warmer conditions and more light would be an advantage. So far my vision of having tons of homegrown vegetables is looking pretty pathetic.

      1. Venus*

        I would have thought so as well! Is it possible something was getting at the seedlings? I only thought of it as BethDH mentioned it…

        1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          They have all been indoors on the kitchen windowsill so I have no idea what’s going wrong. I thought maybe it was *too* warm, or possibly too wet (they are in a plastic propagator) so I let it dry out a bit and put in new seeds. We’ll see what happens.

    4. Venus*

      The weather here is finally warm, and there is some rain yet also a lot of sunshine. The weeds are growing so quickly! My plants are trying to keep up, although they are still getting established. At least the yard is green, and I am enjoying my puttering. This weekend’s plan is to remove the big bush growing around my fence, plant the potatoes and the remaining seedlings, and do a bit of weeding. I’m not quite sure where to put the potatoes, so will have to think about that a bit!

    5. Wired Wolf*

      We planted a few peas before buying stakes for them and now one is attacking the cilantro. I’m going to give the peas their own container…don’t know why my mom insisted on planting everything together in the first place.

    6. Queer Earthling*

      Our first tomato ripened! It was delicious. We had to bring the plant inside, though–it’s been too hot in the yard. The rest of our plants are still outside and seem to be okay, though.

    7. lasslisa*

      I did a bunch of work on amending my clay hardpack (digging, compost, manure) and it seems to be paying off in the first happy squash plants I’ve ever had. I thought I had had happy squashes before except for not fruiting, but these leaves are huge and it seems like they double in size every time I look.

      Plus two of my tomato plants over-wintered so I have 20??? baby tomatoes on those already. Maybe that’s not a lot but it’ll keep us in salads for a while. Being home all week means I’ve been watering them much more than my usual, and they seem to like it.

    8. Me*

      I hired someone off nextdoor to do some weeding for me. My knee isn’t doing great, despite wearing my brace.

      I asked her to target a specific weed in one general area. She did it all in less than a hour. That would’ve taken me more than a day, just because I’m not as agile right now. She did a bunch of other work in my perennial beds, which leaves me more time to do mundane stuff like add string to my bean teepees.

      My mustard greens are setting seed so I’m pulling most of those out this weekend. I’m going to let some go to seed, as I really like the new variety I planted this year. It is Wasabina from Territorial Seed and I just can’t rave enough about it! Super spicy but not so hot that you can’t eat it raw. I used it a bunch in taco salads as the base.

      I saw my first reddish raspberry last night. Sadly the plants seem to have gotten leaf rust so I won’t have the amazing bumper crop that I have this year.

      I also found an almost ripe Hood strawberry yesterday. I’m very hopeful that my very first Hood will be as good as any that I’ve bought. I’m nowhere close to growing enough for jam.

      Dh and I keep talking about trading out our half acre for a 60 acre coastal farm. Oh so tempting.

    9. Natalie*

      My parents came over this week so my dad and I finally managed to get the sets in that I had already bought while my stepmom hung out with baby. Of course now I’m going to get some cherry tomatoes and a couple of herbs, but I feel confident I’ll actually get them in today. It will be a greatly reduced garden from previous years but, shrug. Maybe next year I’ll get the garden boxes built and eliminate the need to weed the whole flipping ground.

      1. fposte*

        You grew a kid. I think that’s the equivalent of at least several rows of tomatoes, and maybe even the zucchini.

        1. Natalie*

          She doesn’t make cherry tomatoes though!

          And apparently neither do I as they were all sold out here. Everyone is planting a garden for the first time. :(

          1. Nita*

            If you can’t find seeds to buy, just get some cherry tomatoes at the grocery store, and chuck the seeds into the soil! I tried that two weeks ago and oh my. I think every. single. seed sprouted and now I’m trying to find room for all the seedlings. From past experience, I thought I’d be lucky to get a couple, but apparently starting with a nice sunny spot really helps.

    10. NeverNicky*

      About a month ago, I took a heap of rosemary, sage and lavender cuttings. I’d never taken cuttings before so I did heaps expecting some attrition.

      And of course, everything has rooted! My variegated sages’ roots are trying to escape the pots, and my lavender has new leaves…

      I hope my local friends help me out and take some!

    11. LQ*

      Indoor garden (aerogarden and clickgrow) here. My tiny tomato got it’s first flowers and I’m super excited! I’ve had lettuce nearly every night this week. Not enough to have a full salad of it, but plenty to put a decent amount on tacos or a sandwich. Weirdly the basil is the thing that is doing the worst. It’s not bad, but not flourishing. I have a couple pepper plants which aren’t doing great, but are coming along.

      The tomato seems to be growing better in the click grow than the aerogarden. The aerogarden is MUCH more thirsty than the clickgrow.

      1. Venus*

        Make sure to fertilize the tomatoes as you don’t have bees indoors! Very easy, just vibrate them briefly (tap with fingers, electric toothbrush, etc). I’m impressed with your success!

        1. LQ*

          Good call! I showed the tiny little flowers off a few times, which I imagine would take care of it but I don’t know that I would have bothered with the others so very much appreciated to do that in the next few days.

          I’m really excited. I’ve had ok success with basil in the past, but the lettuce has been really good, better than expected.

          And now I kind of want another. Lettuce, tomatos and peppers, and herbs. 3 of these doesn’t seem like too much does it?

    12. RagingADHD*

      The blueberries and blackberries are coming in gangbusters, and we’ve harvested the first plum off our tree. The rest should be ready over the next few days. It’s the first year the tree bore, so that’s exciting. It’s a weeping Santa Rosa, and the fruit is delicious.

    13. Parenthetically*

      Oh my goodness it is going GREAT GUNS and the greens are unstoppable right now. We’re on cutting 10? or so from the swiss chard plants, the spinach is trying to take over the world, we’ve picked our first ripe tomato, and the peas are bursting. Beans are juuuuust starting to come on and carrots and onions are looking wonderful.

      We already have plans for next year to make it even more productive by fixing a polytunnel over the raised beds — we may yet do it this fall to keep the greens going into the colder months. Would absolutely love to have a fresh-picked salad on our Thanksgiving table!

    14. fhqwhgads*

      The lettuce is thriving. The herbs seemed to die something like two days after planting and I have no idea why.

    15. Nita*

      So I finally took a deep breath and tackled my parents’ poor, sad, weed-ridden backyard. I used to be the yard caretaker, and I couldn’t give it much time for a few years, so it was a mess. I seriously expected to be at this for several weeks. Pleasant surprise – my husband got the kids to pitch in, and with all these extra hands we were done in a couple of hours. Pleasant surprise # 2 – the sad backyard soil that couldn’t even support weeds last time I checked (thanks to being covered with gravel and plastic for years) has finally healed and looks nice and healthy. Pleasant surprise # 3 – the yard has turned into a cool little ecosystem, with earthworms and bugs and snails. Yes, I know the snails will eat my plants, but they’re so cute and so rare in NYC that I’ll just put up with it. All told, it’s a nice feeling to see something that used to be so broken, and now is whole. Good news is hard to come by lately, and every crumb of happiness is welcome.

      Otherwise – those things I thought were tomato seedlings last week still look like tomatoes. And there seem to be even more of them. I had to spend a lot of time separating them so they don’t all grow on top of each other. I hope we actually get tomatoes – they’re crazy expensive, and they’re one of two veggies that the toddler eats, so this would be a big deal for our budget :) The radish is growing OK too. The carrot seedlings are showing up but look tiny and very frail. I’ve never grown carrots before, so no idea if that’s normal. Finally got those peas I ordered back in April, so into the ground they went. I soaked them before planting, and they were starting to plump up, so hopefully they will grow.

  26. OKGO*

    Responding to insensitive/bigoted jokes and comments in a group chat. Any suggestions/tips? Now that so much of our communication is taking place over text (even more so than it was), I was curious if other people had been running into this with family or friends.

    My story: My brother and I were exchanging messages about a new bicycle I’m looking to buy. I mentioned that I’d already decided on a name–>Marvin! (which I maintain is an excellent name for a bicycle, but that’s sort of beside the point here). My brother responded with a message, “Did you just assume his gender?” I was pretty taken aback by this message and wasn’t sure how to respond. My brother is the sort of cis white guy who has at various points in his life tended towards “edgy” humour that in my opinion makes fun of marginalised communities. We’ve had some fights about that and have gone through periods when we don’t really speak to each other. At one point, I put a lot of effort into trying to make him see my perspective on these jokes and comments, then I pretty much shut it down or ignored it, but he hadn’t said/written anything like that in a while. This time, I just messaged to him in response “?”. He hasn’t responded and I haven’t followed up. Later I felt that was maybe a cowardly response on my part? And I wondered if anyone had a better way to approach it. Thanks

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      ‘?’ is perfect. Simply denying him the payoff he wanted without having to make a huge lecture over it. In real life, you don’t actually get the opportunity to give Stirring Monologues On Right and Truth that often, or if you do, it ends like those comedies where everyone’s asleep by the end of the speech. Short and sweet is better.

      1. BethDH*

        I agree. A lecture might even have been worse given that the brother already knows the issues enough to mock them. He was trying to make a joke and maybe get you to “overreact” to reinforce his view that everyone who takes choices about gender representation seriously is ridiculous. (I’m picturing him going to like-minded friends and saying “OP is so into this gender stuff that he got mad when I made a joke about his bike!”)

    2. NowayMary*

      I’d say no Marvin and I have had multiple in depth conversations about gender identity and preferred pronouns. Marvin and I are cool, I hope you can be.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yeah, if my brother (who is similarly “edgy” on many occasions) were to make the same ‘joke’ I’d have responded something like “Nope, we had a nice chat.” Kinda takes the wind out of his sails, because he’s looking to rile me up and failing, but what’s he gonna do, whine to my mom that I answered his question? :P

    3. LGC*

      So this is tough because you really have to know your audience and be willing to deal with the consequences (which I admit that I myself often don’t want to deal with the consequences)!

      I think, also, that a lot of the messaging makes people (or – okay, at least me) feel like if they don’t have a snappy mic-dropping, YAAAAASSS KWEEN, trending on Twitter clap-back, they’ve failed and they’re a bad person. But I’d venture to say that given your history with your brother, he likely got the message. You could have been more direct by saying “that’s a weird thing to say” (bonus if you say it in Alison’s voice), but you probably didn’t need to.

      (Or “I was planning on naming my daughter Marvin, actually,” or “why do you think Marvin is a male name,” or “the bicycle’s gender is Schwinn/Trek/Canyon/[whatever the brand is].” Granted, these responses kind of play into the joke. Also, for what it’s worth, one of my friends has a traditionally male name and is AMAB, but is non-binary.)

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        I think it’s also worth noting that sometimes we respond too defensively it can play into someone trolling or really validate their feeling ‘edgy’. In those cases a sort of flat reply that implies they’re kind of more…small and boring than cool and challenging can often be better.

        1. LGC*

          True!

          (Although now I’m thinking about it, and if “my bicycle’s gender is [brand name]”, it should be. Apologies if I stole this joke from someone else.)

    4. Courageous cat*

      Fav food blogs specifically for dinner recipes? I always have the most trouble deciding what to make for dinners.

      Things I already use:
      Budget Bytes
      Smitten Kitchen

      I tried to use Bon Appetit but it’s only giving me “sections” for chicken, pasta, and one other thing which I thought was odd.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      I think the “?” is a nice way forward. You can continue to text with him as you wish and when he drops one of those jokes you just let it fall with a “?”. His response doesn’t matter. Hopefully this will train him away from those sort of jokes, but if not your response takes very little energy and still gets your point across.

    6. Generic Name*

      I think a question mark response is great. When people around me tell offensive “jokes” I never understand what they mean, and I always ask them to explain. Or when people say, “I’m not racist, but…..” I respond with , “I’m not racist. I just say things that racist people say.”

  27. Traffic_Spiral*

    Inspired by the Fitness Watch question above: what are you buying/going to buy as your ‘I have faith this too shall pass’ thing?

    Me, I got myself a slutty suit (took a good-quality summer wool suit I don’t wear much to a tailor to alter it to be way more form-fitting) and my friend has finally bought herself a Little Red Dress. Staying in is overrated, and when this ends we’re gonna hit the town looking like a million bucks!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I booked a vacation for October. (I’ve already lost three vacations, a convention that my husband and I have both gone to for 20+ years each and actually met at, and a six-month executive leadership program at work to this thing.)

    2. LGC*

      True to my own form: another pair of carbon-fiber racing shoes. (For the curious, the Saucony Endorphin Pros.) They’re $200, and my Nike Vaporfly Next%s are still good for a few more races (I’ve worn them intermittently for training, a marathon, and a half marathon), but I have a preference for Saucony as a brand and also I’ve heard they’re really good.

      (“But running is a cheap hobby!” Yes, but then you get into shoe geekery and race fees.)

    3. Nervous Nellie*

      Traffic_Spiral, you made me laugh aloud at your description of your suit! Cool! You go!!! :)

      For me, I have bought a kinda large gift card for my favorite used bookstore, and am watching every day to see when limited access will begin there. I am gonna blow that whole card in one trip, I am sure. I SO miss browsing in bookstores.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Thankfully for me I have a library nearby – my house is already stuffed with books. But yeah, nothing’s quite like getting lost in a bookshop.

        1. Pomona Sprout*

          Do you have a library that you can actually GO TO right now? Where I live, neither bookstores NOR libraries are open. Having to do without both has been REALLY hard for me. One result is that I’ve been purchasing (online) a lot more books than I usually do, including many that I would have checked out of the library under normal circumstances.

          I miss browsing books, AND I miss being able to check books (and other materials) out of the library for free. The only things I’ve been able to check out for over 2.5 months now are ebooks, which I just don’t find that enjoyable to read. I’m not even allowed to return the big old pile of books I checked out right before the pandemic hit the fan. (There’s a message on the library’s website saying not to put materials in the book drop, because no one is available to collect them and check them back in.)

          On top of everything else, I also greatly miss being able to go to the library and just hang out for an hour or two like I used to. For me personally, losing access to the library has had more of a direct impact on my life than anything else.

    4. Disco Janet*

      My husband and I booked an adults only vacation to Jamaica next summer! I’m very excited about it.

        1. Disco Janet*

          Sandals vacation. So it is an adults only resort, but not in the way I think you’re asking. Since we’re traveling without our own kids, we really didn’t want anyone else’s around either, haha.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Yeah, I’m cool with kids in some places, but something about kids splashing around pools or beaches makes me nervous.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Inspired by the Fitness Watch question above: what are you buying/going to buy as your ‘I have faith this too shall pass’ thing?

      Oooooo

      A house.

      Jk jk. I feel like I have so many *things* that I can’t justify another purchase. But I have decided that in my next home (rent or whatever), I want to buy a Peloton. or a comparable exercise bike.

    6. Kate*

      I booked a course that gives me permission to teach, even though what I want to teach is not well taught online.

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Interesting question. In the practical realm, I bought a laundry “dryer”–really, a centrifuge/electric spinner that eliminates almost all water from just-washed items–from The Laundry Alternative. My motivation was to head off additional carpal tunnel woes from hand-washing delicate clothing in the bathroom. (My spouse’s fragile health ruled out use of the building’s shared laundry room.) Hand-washing remains a Production for Various Reasons but this dryer was a godsend. For larger, bulkier, or sturdier items, such as sheets, towels, and T-shirts I eventually located two wash-dry-fold services provider based in laundromats with commercial washers & dryers.

      My main personal purchase was more of a subconscious decision. Small bits of silver jewelry are my personal confidence-booster. Early in the days of WFH (work from home) I began escapist-browsing the jewelry auctions on shopgoodwill (dot) com. For a modest sum, although less modest with the addition of shipping and handling fees, I now have several new-to-me pieces.

      Because the library was closed and I’m not yet hip to using electronic books I also picked up a few used books from the dealers under the Allibris umbrella. (This seems to be a U.S.-based network of individual used book dealers all posting their wares on the same web site.) E-books are supposedly ridiculously easy to acquire, but my overtaxed-by-adjusting-to-life-in-pandemic brain refused to even consider learning one more piece of information.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        One of the stones fell out of a ring I always wear, so I need to get it repaired. In the meantime, I bought a new one from Swarowski, which is quite modern looking.

    8. allathian*

      We bought a big fridge. Our fridge/freezer combo is still working, but because we also have a chest freezer, we wanted a big standing fridge. We like to have more space in there to do bigger weekly shopping and it has a 0 C/32 F section to keep meat fresher longer. Also great to store soda/bubbly water so you don’t have to dilute it with ice cubes.
      But we really got it so it’ll be easier to host friends and family for dinner when it’s safe to do so again.
      My husband is building a storage shed where we’ll keep the fridge as a spare, although it’ll only be running when it’s warm outdoors.

  28. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    Anyone sewing face masks for themselves? What is your favourite pattern or style so far?

    I tested several using scraps of old shirts. So far the one by Dhurata Davies (has darts for your nose and chin), Craft Passion, or Olson and variations seem to fit the best, though the ones based on surgical style masks are quicker to sew. I have also seen one that is like a neck gaiter, designed in part to cover a beard while still providing a decent seal. I thought some commentors might be interested in looking at the latter after some comments about beards last week.

    1. BethDH*

      I made two just by tracing the profile of my face and measuring distance from center to ear and adding a seam allowance. That worked well and since it’s shaped to my own face size it stays in place well even with glasses on.
      As I’m spending more time outside I’m realizing I do need one for times when I’m encountering enough people to wear a mask outside. Even a little shifting makes my sunscreen rub off. I’m thinking of trying the gaiter style for that, maybe in an athletic knit for breathability. Anyone know whether that breathability compromises effectiveness? I’m guessing it’s still a tight enough weave to stop droplets.

      1. allathian*

        You wear cloth masks to protect others. None of them protect you from viruses, all they do is stop droplets, as long as they aren’t damp. As the weather gets hotter, they’re going to be an exercise in uncomfortable futility. My face sweats to the point of me needing to wear waterproof sunscreen as soon as it hits 75 F outside. Perhaps fortunately I live in such a cold climate that it’s only a factor from June to September. Also fortunately for me, our government decided that they would not issue an official recommendation for people to wear masks in public. So far, things have worked very well, in a population of about 5.5 million people, we’ve had about 7,000 confirmed cases (the real number is probably at least twice that because at the start, only people showing symptoms severe enough to be hospitalized and healtcare workers were tested) and 320 deaths in the country as a whole.

    2. Millicent*

      I’ve had a pile of material sitting on the dining room table for weeks now, and many patterns bookmarked on my phone. I have yet to do anything with any of this because I am not a great sewer! I own a machine and barely know how to use it.

      But I also wear glasses so the masks I have bought are not working with them, and I think I need to custom make one. I just can’t seem to get started so open to more pattern ideas if people know they work better for glasses, and the pattern explains all the steps for clueless people like me…

      1. lasslisa*

        The big thing that helps me with glasses is having a good nose seal. Do you have a nose wire on your masks? Have you tried – this is gonna sounds weird – a little tape on over your nose to see if that helps “redirect” the exhaust down around your neck instead? I remember reading a nurse’s blog talking about using tape to seal the edges of a mask and pass the fit check.

        1. BethDH*

          I wonder if that tape they use for avoiding wardrobe malfunctions would work? At least it’s supposed to be okay on your skin.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          We added a little pocket over the nose of our homemade masks. It can be open at one or both ends. My husband uses a pretty heavy gauge wire from the shop, bent to fit his nose; I like pipe cleaners, similar to the weight of the clip on the disposable masks at the hospital. (Though I had my son look for more, and it seems Target’s whole craft section has been pretty thoroughly razed.)

      2. HannahS*

        We bought the anti-fog stuff that’s used for hockey masks to use on our glasses! Haven’t tried it yet, though, so YMMV.

        1. HannahS*

          Also, as a bespectacled healthcare worker, even the masks with the wires are imperfect for glasses, unfortunately, which is why I’m so excited about this anti-fog stuff.

        2. fposte*

          Please report back, Hannah! Everything else I try just seems to leave my glasses goopy. I’d rather let them fog and unfog.

        3. Falling Diphthong*

          Snorkeling, the guide said that what they use in the masks is a bit of diluted baby shampoo. A very slight soap film that doesn’t hurt the eyes. I’d give that a shot.

      3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I’ve had fairly good results sewing a wire into the masks and bending it around my nose. The Dhurata Davies and Craft Passion ones fit a bit lower on my face and I have not noticed any issues with fogging when I wore them to the supermarket. Maybe your glasses design is part of the problem? I usually make sure to get glasses that have nose pads so they don’t sit too close to my face. Not sure what you can do about that though…

      4. Fellow Traveler*

        @Millicent- just start, for sure! I’m a beginner sewer, and was all hung up too and couldn’t decide where to begin, and then our church was looking for volunteers to sew pleated masks for the hospital, and I signed up to help and I’ve now made 75 masks for them. The pleated ones are super easy- basically a series of seeing straight lines, plus the church group made it easy by cutting all the fabric for us, Anyhow, it gave me confidence to sew fitted masks for my family. I’ve been using the pattern from Japanese Creations because there is less cutting involved.

        1. Scarlet Magnolias*

          I have been sewing masks for my library and for town employees. I’ve used 3 different prototypes which I found on YouTube. It’s very difficult to find the narrow elastic that works best. Also I find that one size DOESN’T fit all. I’ve made about 100 masks and was only really happy with the later ones

    3. James*

      My wife is sewing masks with the kids. I’m not sure the pattern, but she’s teaching my 5- and 6-year-old boys to sew by having them help with the masks. It’s a good opportunity to teach a useful life skill, parent bonding time, and kills a few hours of quarantine.

    4. Nervous Nellie*

      I have been sewing Dhurata Davies darted masks and the reviews from my friends and neighbors is that they fit better than the one that came out in the New York Times. I first saw her masks on Peter Lappin’s beautiful blog Male Pattern Boldness. His photos of the masks he sewed from her pattern are sheer perfection. He even made a matching Peanuts mask to go with a Peanuts shirt he had previously sewn.

      So yeah – Dhurata Davies all the way! :)

      1. Reba*

        His mask-and-shirt combos are so cute!

        I did one shaped mask but ultimately didn’t like it. I’ve made more surgical-style (with a wire for the nose) mainly for sewing speed.

    5. cleo*

      I’ve been sewing masks for myself and friends and family and to donate. I’ve tried several patterns and settled on one that fits my face really well (even with glasses) and is easy to make a lot of. I like the fit of the craft passion mask but it’s too complicated for the way I like to sew.

      Claire’s Easy Sew Mask on YouTube – it’s kind of a variation on the pleated mask (NY Times pattern). It’s made from two rectangles, has gathers not pleats, nose and chin darts and one cord.

      The cord made from t-shirt rope is the best part of this pattern (and you can use it in any pattern with side channels, like the craft passion). I’m (a very small) part of an amazing FB group sewing masks for IL and they taught me about the wonder that is cord made from old t-shirts. So much more comfortable than elastic.

    6. Me*

      I like the craft passion pattern. I’m making 18 right now for my sons. They’re both outdoorsy and want masks without the interfacing layer. They’ll both be in college classes this fall so I assume they’ll also need to wear masks on campus.

      I ordered some 1/4” elastic off Amazon, all clearly being shipped from China. I hedged my bets and ordered from 3 different sources.

      I now have 2 of the 100 yard rolls of 1/4” white elastic.

      Elastic is the new zucchini.

      1. Sciencer*

        Oh interesting, I’m finding that I prefer my masks with interfacing over the ones without, because they don’t suck against my face when I’m breathing hard (and they generally stay in place better). It’s really such a personal preference! The college where I work is asking for volunteers to help make thousands of masks for students come fall, and I’m happy to help but also wondering if it’s really the best approach. The pattern they chose happens to be my absolute least favorite of the ones I’ve tried, but I’m hoping that’s just me being picky and won’t be common among the students!

    8. Grits McGee*

      I’m working on a prototype for a surgical-style mask that incorporates 2 layers of polyester chiffon, based on the recommendations from the mask material study from ACS Nano. I wasn’t able to find any examples of masks with chiffon online, and I’m starting to understand why- it is such a pain to cut and sew!

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I saw an article about that study but I wasn’t clear on what fabric they were using, exactly. I have some off cuts from some inexpensive polyester sheer curtains that are chiffon-esque but surely they are too sheer to be of any use? As a general rule I avoid polyester clothes so I don’t have any blouses or scarves to cut up.

        1. Grits McGee*

          I did some google image searching and I’m pretty sure what I have is the same thing-it’s recycled chiffon from a bridesmaid dress, which feels a little thicker than curtain material, but it would definitely be worth it do some research if you have access to info about the weave and content of the fabric. I hear you though about the difficulty of finding polyester chiffon though; nobody wears that stuff recreationally.

    9. LNLN*

      My favorite pattern is the A.B. Mask 2.0 for a nurse by a nurse. It has a dart at the top edge for the nose and a tuck at each jaw along the bottom of the mask (plus 3 pleats on each side) and overall provides a nice, snug fit for the mask. I slip a piece of aluminum wire into the binding on the top edge, to get a close fit over the nose. I can make a mask in about 30 minutes. Good luck!

    10. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I’m making some today to donate. They are the pleated ones. Everything was fine until I got to the pleating part. And I’m struggling with it. The instructions just say to add the pleats, pin and sew. Not where to put the pleats. Then I ironed the fabric when pleating and the plastic around the nose wire melted.

      1. Fellow Traveler*

        I definitely had a lot of trial and error when placing pleats- I feel like the pleating doesn’t have to be perfectly even across three pleats.
        For the wire- I’ve been successful slipping the wire in after I iron my pleats and then letting the top stitching keep it in place.

    11. RagingADHD*

      I do pleated flats when I’m sewing in bulk, and have kept a few for myself. I made Craft Passion ones for my kids, and will probably make one for myself when my sewing-burnout eases up.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been making one with a filter pocket.from an Instructables post: https://www.instructables.com/id/DIY-Face-Mask-With-Filter-Pocket/

      It’s a bit fiddly to make, but it works pretty well. For a nose wire, I went to Lowe’s and got some of those long plastic-coated twist ties you use for tomatoes, etc. I can’t for the life of me pleat them any smaller than four inches, so the side pieces are shorter. I can bang one out in an hour.

      I’d ditched my White machine when I moved since it was old and I wasn’t making skating dresses anymore, so I bought a basic BabyLock sewing machine for $100. If it weren’t for the ‘rona, I would have waited to get another one until I got settled.

  29. Droid Mechanic*

    My state is starting to open up from lockdown and I’m really torn about it. I still don’t feel comfortable going out into public other than for groceries but friends who I thought were on the same page as me are now going out and about. So now I’m worried I’m overthinking this or my anxiety is getting the better of me but then I read that cases are still on the rise and the dreaded second wave.

    If your areas are starting to reopen again, now are you reacting to it?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I am in NYC and I am very nervous about them starting to reopen. I am not very knowledgeable about this stuff but it really feels like they are rushing.

      My work hasn’t said anything yet, and I think that’s part of the reason I have a giant knot in my stomach. I am a planner so not knowing the plan, and if I will be safe at home for just two more weeks or if it will be longer than that isn’t helping.

      1. Nita*

        NYC also. There’s a dramatic drop in ambulance sirens outside my window, and that’s my personal gauge of how bad it is. It’s been nearly quiet for almost two weeks. So less nervous about reopening now, health-wise. Seriously scared about going on the subway though. I know several people who take it regularly and are fine. But also several others who reported being harassed, and an attempted mugging. My BIL’s office actually opened for a couple of weeks, and then closed again because staff members were getting harassed on the train. I hope this will change once more people are on the subway, but not too confident of that. There were plenty of folks who seemed psychotic and thisclose to attacking other riders even before coronavirus. I imagine there are many more of them now.

    2. Venus*

      I think human nature is such that many people are going to start wanting to spend time together, so better for governments to allow it yet try to have some control in order to minimize transmission.

      I am spending time with more people, but only outdoors and at a distance, for example on my driveway or back deck.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Same. We are taking advantage of the reopenings to meet up outside, but that is it. I can live without going to restaurants and salons for a year, but not seeing anybody in person isn’t sustainable for me. My friends and I are fortunate to be able to isolate otherwise – we are all probably going to be working from home for the rest of the year, so meeting up one on one is low risk.

    3. Grim*

      I have a negative reaction to reopening, considering that the Corona virus is rapidly increasing in many States within the past two weeks.

      We may be headed for a tsunami of additional covid-19 illnesses and deaths because of all the protests.

      Let’s revisit this topic in 2 to 3 weeks and see how things were going. My bet is it’s going to get much worse.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        This is what I’m thinking. I feel bad that I have not gone to any protests in person but I also expect that the cases are going to rocket up in a few weeks and I didn’t want to contribute to that. My sister has gone out shopping, not quite like normal times, but I’m not happy with her. If my father catches it he will almost certainly die, and my parents watch her kids all the time.

        Shops around here are starting to open but I have resisted the desire to go.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I try to stay positive but I’m fearing the same. And that we’ll be right back to where we were a few months ago with hospitals being overcrowded, shelves being cleaned out and not being able to get the necessary health care and items needed. I’m worried when it comes time for me to deliver, things will be bad if not worse. I can deal with not going to a salon or hte mall (god knows I need to stay away from the latter) but not being able to go outside or have people visit me and my kid.

      3. MatKnifeNinja*

        I gave up when the day cares (for everyone), summer camps and outdoor pools are now open. Nothing but giant petri dishes.

        Everyone by me is acting like the Ro is gone. People aren’t wearing masks. Aren’t social distancing. People wear a mask to get into a store, but then slide it up on their heads afterwards.

        Nothing is really changing for me. Not eating sit down, not look loo shopping, gave myself a buzz cut so no worry about a hair cut. WFH still and that won’t change until next year.

      4. Alice*

        I’d encourage you to ask yourself how many of the new cases (which I also expect) are from the protests, versus, say, casinos reopening and other aspects of non-protest re-opening.
        I also wonder how many cases are from protestor behavior (shouting, singing, and mingling) and how many are from police behavior and government decisions (unnecessary use of tear gas which provokes coughing, police officers unaccountably declining to wear masks, arresting people and preventing them from wearing their masks in lockup).

    4. Blarg*

      I’m in DC and hadn’t been out except for grocery store in months. We started to reopen last Friday and then the protests started, and we got hit with curfews and an overwhelming helicopter presence that was, for me, disturbing even being 1-2 mi away from the main protests. So I still didn’t go anywhere. On Tuesday, though, I’d signed up to help at a polling site for our primary so I went from no interaction to hundreds of people all at once over several hours. It felt good to support people in voting and I thought maybe going out would start to feel more normal after that … but nope. Haven’t left home since. (90+ temps and crazy afternoon storms also started this week). I don’t know what it will take for just leaving the apartment to feel normal and routine again.

    5. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      We sell food at a flea market in NJ. It opened last week and everybody with whom I spoke with reported outstanding sales. I can afford to wait a couple of more weeks to go back and continue to monitor the health department reports for the surrounding areas (which are trending in a good direction) If you are not comfortable going out and about, don’t. If your friends chastise you on your decisions, then are they really your friends?

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I’ve been keeping an eye on the infection graphs (the city and county where I live have websites with case counts graphed over time), and they are holding steady. The rising numbers is pretty much a line, a bit steeper in April and a bit lower in May.

      It’s been about 2 weeks since the traffic started really increasing, and it’s almost 2 weeks since Memorial Day, so if rates were going to soar, they already would.

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        Three weeks is the key period, max. 14 days incubation plus 5–7 days of illness before hospital admission.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Max 14 days incubation, average 4-5 days. Add the 5-7 days before it gets really bad and you get 9-12 days from transmission to hospital. Plus a lot of people would get tested way before hospital admission and the numbers I’m looking at are confirmed positive cases not hospitalization cases.

          We should be seeing numbers at least start rise by now if they were going to. And in my city the numbers aren’t showing even a slight increase.

    7. Nervous Nellie*

      Droid Mechanic – you are not overthinking this. Everyone must do what they are comfortable with, and nothing more. I have friends who are eager to get to a restaurant when they start limited openings next week, and I have said thank you but I am not ready to face that risk. They are cool with it, and may do a Zoom call at the restaurant with me at home.

      Be safe, and don’t do anything you are not ready for. :) Your comfort level will grow at its own pace.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This. I live alone and have a couple high risk friends. So I have been going out for groceries and other errands for them and myself once a week. I stayed out of the bigger and very popular stores. Of the stores I went to, I wiped the handle of the cart, etc. I inched along.

        I totally agree with inching along and doing what you are comfortable with. It does help to see friends and acquaintances and see them moving around doing things. Traffic has increased here and I noticed there are a lot of big heavy trucks moving materials around. There seems to be a point where we can just allow things to comfort us and still keep our own boundaries. There are things I would not do, yet I see others doing those things. I am not there yet. I belong to the school of thought, “I made it this far, I shouldn’t relax too much now and blow it all.”

    8. Disco Janet*

      I’m happy my state has held off longer than most on reopening and that our numbers/curve are encouraging – I’ve been baffled by things like Florida theme parks reopening when their numbers have been going way up. I know the argument is that their testing has increased – but so has ours here in Michigan, and our curve is way down.

      But I’m nervous about reopening, too. I’m still only going out for the grocery store. I would like to be able to get together with a couple friends and just sit six feet apart and chat, but they’re not comfortable with that yet, and I respect that. My husband is an essential worker, so at no point during all of this have I felt totally safe. I feel torn on reopening. I’m so sick of being cooped up here with the kids, but of course I want to be safe. But given how long it will likely take for a vaccine or treatment to happen (if it ever does!), I’m not sure how long it’s feasible to keep our lives on pause.

    9. fposte*

      I was forcibly launched into my personal reopening by medical stuff. Once I was out, it seemed an okay place to be. Mask-wearing is by no means 100% here but it’s preponderant, and a lot of places will check at the door.

      The problem we individually and collectively face is that we can’t be in full lockdown until there’s a widely disseminated vaccine. In the meantime, we have to make our own decisions about what we do and who we risk exposure to, and as long as people are following responsible CDC/state guidelines and paying attention to the regional, not just the national, situation I think going out is okay–but also it’s not mandatory.

      Remember that a lot of reporting is in cumulative overall numbers, so those numbers will never drop–they will only go up or stay flat. If you look at the ongoing numbers, deaths are steadily dropping in the U.S. It’s true cases are doing up in some areas, but that doesn’t need to control what people well outside of those areas should do. European countries are reopening without a new surge in cases. That doesn’t mean I’m saying “Lalala, everybody back to school, we’re all done with this,” but “risk is minimal with careful precautions” is good enough for me.

      1. Reba*

        I went to a rescheduled doctor’s appointment this past week. I was pretty nervous about it but was reassured by the precautions they took. I’m glad that I have punctured my isolation bubble, I suppose. I could definitely see myself developing anxiety about going out and especially with close interactions like medical care, so I’m glad to know I can do it in a reasonable way.

        The medical office told me face covering mandatory, gloves recommended, and to bring my own pen!

    10. nep*

      I’m going to continue just as I have been–going out only when I absolutely need to, and masked up, keeping more than two meters away from people.
      Spikes are coming–it’s inevitable. Just a question of how drastic they’ll be.

    11. Jaid*

      Other than going to a farmer’s market, I plan on just going out for groceries. I’m fine with going for long drives on my own and that satisfies my need to “get out”.

      1. nep*

        Same–love long drives and I will spend time outside with just trees. So glad weather is nice now. It helps immensely.

    12. WellRed*

      I’m still sticking to my total lockdown routine, for the most part. Groceries or the drugstore. I do want to visit my local bookstore. Wearing masks indoors. Restaurants and lots of other things not opened yet, although hair salons are. However, I am not making a hair appointment for a while yet. It seems unsafe (they are right in front of your face) and who’s going to see me anyway?

    13. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      I’m in England and am still fairly anxious but have no issue with people going out and about if – big if – they follow social distancing.

      1. Adnan*

        We live on a touristy island with very few cases due to restrictions on non-essential travel. I have lung disease and plan to social distance for a long time – going out for groceries every fortnight (masked), daily walks and chatting with folks outside but keeping the distance. I will be working from home atleast till end of the year and just love it.
        My neighbour who lives at the end of the hallway is 75 years old. Pre-Covid she would come over 2-3 times a week to watch TV. I found out recently that she has been going out regularly (non-essential) and had family visit from out of town. She does not feel the risk and would like to get back to our regular TV watching but I am not confortable socializing until we have a vaccine or new cases in neighbouring cities have bottomed out.

    14. Sunflower*

      Everyone has to be true to their own comfort level and I think that’s where most people fall at this point. I think both you and the people who are going out and about are both right.

      I have been spending time with friends(trying to keep it outside and always small groups and make sure to not share things, etc) but I don’t feel that people who aren’t comfortable with that are overthinking or wrong. It’s still a little too early to know exactly what the risk is which is why I’m happy the government has started opening up as it allows people to decide their own risk.

    15. Fikly*

      Given pretty much all the states that have reopened to whatever degree are now seeing infection rates spike, I do not think you are overthinking this.

      1. fposte*

        I don’t think this is correct, though. There’s a great site on ProPublica called “Reopening America” that gives the direction of the metrics state by state. Some states are rising, some states are flat, and some are dropping, and it doesn’t necessarily depend on whether there’s a stay-at-home order in place (it looks like there are only three or four states that still have one); I’d also differentiate between a rise and a spike. Some states with good downward trajectories, like Connecticut, Delaware, and Illinois, still end on higher percentages than states with upward metrics. Louisiana and North Dakota, which were hot spots, are faring really well.

        I’m a believer in restrictions and I also believe that we can’t at this point know the difference between a wise nonrestrictive choice and a gamble that a state got away with. But the illness really doesn’t follow a neat predictive path based simply on whether a state has reopened or not. It’s not going to make understanding it that easy.

        There’s still a ton we don’t know about this virus, so we don’t necessarily know why

        1. Cat*

          Though just saying there’s a stay at home order or not is not the fully story either. Like here in Oregon most of the state has reopened to some degree and I think it shows as reopened on most maps. But the densest part of the state – Portland – mostly hasn’t. So there’s a lot of gradations that I don’t think we’ve had a chance to dig into yet.

          There was an interesting article this morning in, I think, WaPo about European countries not seeing big spikes with broader reopening.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, totally agree. There’s also varying degrees of adherence to guidelines–a stay at home order, even with the exact same terms, is going to play out differently in different places. One thing that I also like about the ProPublica page is that it offers two positivity metrics because of states’ varying reliability on the positive test rate, which is another confounding factor.

            And I’ve been hearing that with the European countries too; it’s also interesting to look at Japan, where they did hardly any testing by US standards but seem to have kept things in remarkable check with thorough mask wearing and an emphasis on social distancing.

    16. Rebecca*

      I’m in central PA, and many people I’ve talked to are over it. They’re tired of our Governor lecturing us on what we need to do – like, no haircuts for you, but when he clearly gets a haircut, curbside pickup for liquor and mixed drinks, but other businesses shut down, our health secretary’s 95 year old mother taken out of the nursing home and into a hotel right before the big spikes in nursing home infections and deaths…you get the picture. In my county of 38,000 people, there were 3 deaths and 60 confirmed infections. I crunched the numbers on our dept of health website, and a majority of the infections and deaths are in 6 counties, mostly around Philly.

      I’m cautious – I’m still wearing a mask when I go to the store, use hand sanitizer frequently (thankfully I was able to get a full liter refill last weekend), wash my hands up to the elbow when I get home, feeling a bit like a surgeon, and staying away from people as much as I can. I’m happy the weather is finally warm so I can sit outside with friends and neighbors. I still haven’t gone into anyone’s house, though, and text if I’m outside to either drop something off or pick something up.

      I’m worried about a spike in spread and infections in a week or so, after Memorial Day and now all the protests. I went to pick up pizza last night, ordered ahead online, paid ahead, etc. and the workers were wearing masks but none of the customers were, except me, and they looked at me and I got a few smirks. I will wear a mask and wash up a lot until I am satisfied that I don’t need to any longer. Other people can smirk all they want.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “Other people can smirk all they want.” Good for you! I’m wearing a mask the few times I go out where I might be in some limited contact with people, and a lot of people in my area are too. Maybe the smirkers will eventually get a clue and try to protect others.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Same. Most people here have been wearing masks. I’ve been shopping at Aldi, who are very good about wiping carts and limiting the number of shoppers. I went to Sally Beauty yesterday. All the clerks were wearing masks, as was I. Haven’t been to Walmart but once to get a prescription. It’s packed and less people there wear any kind of face covering, and they’ve given up trying to count people, arggh.

        1. Rebecca*

          I just drove to Walmart for grocery pickup, and while I was waiting, watched people in the parking lot. I saw very little distancing, about 1 of 10 people was wearing a mask, etc. We have a very low infection rate here, though, and it’s warm, but I put my mask on when the worker brought my stuff and still washed up really good after taking stuff in the house.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        “Other people can smirk all they want.”

        Good for you. Of the two extremes- being one of the first to shed the mask or being one of the last to shed the mask, I will take the latter. Hey, we just don’t know and the people we rely on for this information are loaded with conflicting information. I will err on the side of caution.

    17. Not A Manager*

      I am still stuck on “what’s my goal, here”? The stay-at-home order was never for my own personal health, it was a public policy meant to not overwhelm our health services. “Flattening the curve” doesn’t necessarily mean fewer infections over all, it means probably the same number of infections, spread over a much longer timeframe.

      Now that my state is “opening up,” my question for myself is, was I staying home because I’m a good citizen who wanted to help flatten the curve? If so, then when my state opens up, I can be a good citizen and still go out and live my life. But if I was staying home because I personally wanted to not get sick, then I don’t see how any sort of “opening up” order makes it less likely that I’ll get sick now than it would have been two months ago.

      That’s where I get stuck. I don’t *want* to get sick, but I’m not at an especially high risk of severe illness or complications if I were to get sick. On the other hand, people aren’t statistics, and there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t be an unfortunate person in my demographic who does have complications.

      So, fairly high risk of exposure if I personally open up, fairly low risk of complications if I get sick, extremely high cost to me if a bad outcome were to occur.

      Balance that against rigorous social distancing until… a vaccine?

      I just don’t know.

    18. Workerbee*

      I still mask up when I have to be out in public. I feel so bad for store employees who have to face unmasked patrons all day. The employees I’ve seen are masked and in some cases, gloved, so the risk does go down a bit. There are still six feet separation markers for retail checkout lines.

      I’m high risk and so is my husband, but we also could be asymptomatic, so wearing a mask for the benefit of others and, hopefully, ourselves, just makes sense for the time being. I am definitely not comfortable dining in at a restaurant or going to a bar right now. All of our fairs and festivals have been cancelled, which leaves mixed feelings: I most likely would not have gone, but the memories of just last year and previous years do flood me with disjointed longing.

    19. Tris Prior*

      I am in Chicago and am very uncomfortable that Chicago has started to reopen, given the protests. (Which I support! But I think a lot of people who protested were exposed, the pix/videos I saw did not show people keeping distance, and we are going to see a spike from that, never mind all the people who were taken to jail which is a high exposure risk.). One of the things that’s open now is outdoor dining, and, on my socially distanced walks in a couple of neighborhoods, I am seeing tables crammed way too close together. It makes me very nervous.

      Our lakefront is still closed (though people are still going there anyway, since the cops are all busy at the protests and not enforcing the closure), which doesn’t make sense to me since outdoors is supposed to be safer than indoors. So, we can go into a tiny airless store but can’t go to a large outdoor area. But, it is what it is, a friend said, “people lose their minds when they’re near water, especially when it’s nice out, just look at Lake of the Ozarks” and I can’t say she’s wrong.

      I personally am still not comfortable going to the grocery store – my partner makes a quick run maybe every 2 weeks, which I hate but I can’t convince him otherwise, he insists on choosing his own meat – and we get everything else delivered. I am not comfortable eating out alfresco or going into an enclosed space, and I can’t imagine when I’m going to feel comfortable riding a bus or el. Mask wearing is pretty common where I am, but I see a lot of people wearing them incorrectly (nose hanging out, mask dangling from ears and exposing mouth and nose, people constantly removing mask to puff on a cigarette and then replacing it, people removing mask to have a massive coughing fit and then putting it back on?!?).

      The only thing that didn’t totally freak me out was going to my local garden center, which is totally outdoors, practiced capacity limits and good social distancing, and protected the cashier with as much plexiglas as one typically sees at a currency exchange.

        1. Tris Prior*

          I agree in theory, but I fear that everyone is going to crowd in there and lose their collective minds and then she’ll just shut it down again. She wouldn’t have had to close it in the first place if people had socially distanced. I mean, come on! The lakefront is HUGE. Is it really that hard to stay 6 feet away from people? Apparently. And all it’s done is to push all the joggers and bikers inland so now you can barely get down the sidewalk without some jogger trying to run you over…. ahem. I’m ranting now.

          I live close to the lake and the lake is pretty essential to my mental health. I admit I don’t understand why it’s not OK to be outdoors, masked, near water when now it’s apparently OK to eat a meal outdoors unmasked(because you can’t eat with a mask on!) right on top of other people, because most restaurants do not seem to be spacing out the tables enough on their patios. Ahem. I’m ranting again, sorry…..

    20. Kate*

      We are still not even going to get groceries, but rather, having them delivered. Pur child was just forced out to exam, and I need to bring our car to repair, but apart from such things, we really avoid other people. Good thing we have so many computers at home. :P

    21. Sciencer*

      I’m quite anxious about these reopenings and don’t feel it’s appropriate for a lot of places, including where I live. Husband and I are still being cautious and staying home except for grocery trips and outdoor exercise, but we’ve now also gone to a couple of backyard happy hours with small numbers of friends. He admitted that he felt uncomfortable at the last one as we were sitting around a table together instead of six feet apart, which made me realize how hard it is to speak up among friends (harder I think than among strangers).

      Overall I feel like masks are not as pervasive as I would like/expect to see, even in the grocery store, and anyway it’s impossible to keep a mask on through a meal or a beer. I know masks are not the be-all end-all, but they’re a visible symbol of the precautions people are willing to take and sacrifices they’re willing to make for public health. So I don’t really understand how states can justify reopening in the way we’re doing when large proportions of people are unwilling to change their behavior to suit the situation.

    23. Pomona Sprout*

      My state is geadually emerging from lockdown, and I do mean g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y. Our governor shut things down pretty decisively and relatively early on and the guidelines for reopening things have been spelled out clearly. Nobody seems to be trying to rush things around here, which us fine with me. Masks are still required in indoor spaces, and people seem to be adhering to that. (For example, I literally can’t remember when I’ve seen an unmasked face in a grocery store.)

      I haven’t changed anything about my own routine yet, except that I am seriously considering getting a haircut. Salons are open again (not all, but a lot of them), and my hair is driving me nuts, so it’s very tempting, to say the least. I’m planning to make a separate post about this, so I won’t go into details here, except to say that I’m approaching the decision very cautiously, to say the least.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Where I am, almost everyone in the grocery store was wearing masks… except the guy behind me in line when I was checking out. But he mostly kept his distance.

    24. LQ*

      I’m going to be the person on the other side of you on this. We can eat out in a very limited setting and I’m going out tomorrow morning and I’m overjoyed about it. I got to have my first human contact and wept when I got to touch someone else. I’ve been in a really horrible place with all of this and I’m just as angry at the people who are dismissive over my health concerns as they think I am over theirs.

      I’ve been frustrated with people on here and in my personal life who say that I care more about money than about lives because I don’t think that everything should fully shutdown for an unknown period of time to handle this. I think that this was an overreaction and I think that people are ignoring the severe consequences of isolation. I’m thrilled that states are opening up. I’m glad mine has been doing it in slow ticks because I think that’s a good balanced way to handle it. I think that trying to limit the spread is good and finding humane ways to do that is important. But I think that no one is talking about it logically. (To be fair that ABSOLUTELY includes me. I’m at a place where logic has left me on this.) Even trying to find good actual data is nearly impossible and it is so skewed because this has become so political.

      For everyone who wants to stay home I’m fully supportive, but I’ve stopped talking to some of those friends for now because I cannot handle their anger at me for having to leave the house every day for my essential job. I cannot handle their complete unwillingness to understand that this may be hard for some people.

      1. tangerineRose*

        They’re mad because you leave for an essential job?! What do they not get about “essential”?

        1. LQ*

          Because in their mind it could be done from home. So I’m a monster for leaving home at all. And then there are some people who don’t think that all essential jobs are essential. (I’ve only had one person mad at me about this though, most people get my job is essential.)

          1. Not So NewReader*

            They should call up Government Decision Maker (GDM) and tell the GDM that they are wrong and you are not essential. Seriously. You did not just randomly decide to keep working, it came From Above.

            I guess they don’t realize that the public did not have a lot of say in who is and who is not essential. Their anger is wildly misplaced and shows their lack of understanding how our systems work. I do have a good friend who will get on rants about this or that. Their misunderstandings stick out like sore thumbs. In as flat a voice as I can muster, I softly say, “That’s not the system we have in place and that is not how the system works.” Then I just stop talking. This seems to give my friend a nudge to rope in what they are saying.

            Sometimes I talk to my friend about ideal vs practical. That can look like, “Yes, x response would be ideal, however, here is what we need so we must use practical y response instead.”

            LQ, I do want to mention that like you I am deeply concerned about how isolation has hurt people over the long haul. I think there is very little recognition that this is a problem. And I think we (government and society) can do better than what we have done so far.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        I look at it this way, you roll your dice you take your chances. I have relatives who have flat out refuse to do anything. I won’t be seeing them until a vaccine is out. I haven’t told them that though….lol.

        There is a family by me, that had a big Easter dinner. 3 of them died from COVID-19 about a month later. Grandma, mother and a 50 year old son. There were a bunch of other family members who caught it but didn’t die. Two are in a nursing home still for rehab.

        I assume the risk was worth it, and there are no regrets. The funeral was “sit in the car and watch the casket being lowered.” That was it.

        If you catch it, was the activity worth it? That’s the answer to the equation. I can’t picture, for myself, a restaurant, venue, a huge group activity that would be worth it. Even if everything open up tomorrow, I’m not changing what I’m doing. I’m willing to put the social happy stuff on hold, and let the others be the lab rats. Every month I dodge the Ro is another month health care can fine tune what they do.

        Your friends wrong for running their mouths. The job is essential, so I don’t understand there issue. You have to go in.

        Curious, would you rather have absolutely no precautions now? I’m almost to that opinion,, because of the non stop whining from my relatives. In a weird way, I support you being the canary in the coal mine. Have your fun, and what happens happens.

    25. Chaordic One*

      I don’t feel good about it. My state was slow to close business, and made more recommendations than actual lockdowns. Then they seemed quick to lift the restrictions they had put into place and in the last week the state has had record numbers of new cases diagnosed.

      I’m still quarantined in my house except for trips to the grocery store once a week or so. I think I’m becoming agoraphobic.

    26. RagingADHD*

      For general life maintenance, we are maintaining the same precautions of masking & distancing, minimizing stores & public gatherings. I originally rescheduled my dentist and hair appointments for later in the summer, but given the recent protests here, which I assume will be superspreader events, I’m just going to cancel the hair appointment altogether. I’ll have to go to the dentist eventually.

      We are venturing into outdoors, distanced visits with neighbors who we know to be responsible and careful. For Father’s Day we are going to have a distanced picnic with him in his backyard (assuming we all pass temperature checks at that time).

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, at the end of the month one kid has to get scheduled vaccinations, so I’m going to take that opportunity to ask the doctor about antibody testing (perhaps we had it already) and her latest info/opinion on antibodies and immunity. She’s a really awesome doc, I trust her judgement completely.

        Even if we were 100% sure we were immune and not spreading it (which may be a pipe dream), I would still do public masking/distancing for the time being as a courtesy and to help normalize it. But it would be good for peace of mind and to be able to visit people at home. I want to hug my dad!

    28. CTT*

      So, I just went to two stores that were not the grocery store for the first time since March. One was the plant nursery and I feel like they handled it well; it’s mostly outside which helps, but I felt like the staff was really present and they kept people moving. The other was a used book/movie/music place. I ONLY went because the website said they would be limiting capacity to 50%; that turned out to be a lie. No one was counting people coming in or monitoring and while I’ve seen it busier on a Saturday, it was still packed. No staff anywhere, people openly flouting the one way aisles. I left after 10 minutes because I was uncomfortable.

      tl;dr, I’m probably not going to venture out again for a while. I think some of this was cabin fever, and now I know to get back in the cabin (unless I need plants)

    29. Pumpa Rumpa*

      I live in a state that has a four phase approach to reopening. The county I live in just entered Phase 1.5. You’re able to get a haircut and restaurants can reopen with limited capacity.

      A brewery I love posted a video on Instagram today showing their reopening. There was a line around the block. No one in line was wearing a mask and the groups were barely 6 feet apart. An employee ran by with her mask completely pulled down. They’ve since taken the video down.

      I’m open to the idea of socializing, but only if it is outside (park or someone’s backyard), no more than 5 people, and social distancing is maintained. I’m not yet comfortable with going to a restaurant or brewery, especially after seeing that video.

    30. Oxford Comma*

      Not well. I am continuing to hunker down, but I am starting to get pressure from all sides from people who seem to think that it’s all gone away. Not knowing what is going to happen at my job is not helping with my anxiety (that’s all I’ll say about that). At best, it’s with pity. At worst, it’s an insistent stream of invitations and incredulity that I do not want to go to their home for a party or go out to dinner.

      FWIW @Droid Mechanic, I don’t think you are overthinking this, cases are rising. It’s summer. People are tired of quarantine. They are going to start traveling. This is not going away.

    31. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m kinda mixed. I’m basically resuming normal life plus masks in public. However, my normal life is already pretty socially distanced. I didn’t go to restaurants or the movies before covid anyway, so that’s no change. I am seeing some friends, but I really only saw one person regularly anyway. That hasn’t changed. Big change is no one is hugging.

      I am hoping that my office stays closed as long as possible, or at least that I don’t have to go in much. I really like not having a commute, though I do miss seeing my coworkers.

    32. AnonWestCoaster*

      I’m in Los Angeles, and in general, I’m confused. My area began gradual reopening at the same time curfews were being imposed. Since the government, and the news, is, naturally, focused on the protests, it’s not entirely clear what, if anything is actually reopened. Add to that the fact that most storefronts in my area are boarded up, and things get even more confusing.

      That being said, I’ve been inside since mid-March, only leaving my apartment a handful of times to get groceries &c. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to adjust to the “outside world” again once things do reopen, as I’ve gotten accustomed to solitary confinement.

  30. Anon for this*

    Question about anti-inflammatory foods and update from last week.

    I posted last weekend about my upsetting and very painful severe GI issues. I am happy to report that I am mostly back to normal. The colonoscopy results showed nothing scary (such a relief), but I have internal and external hemmerhoids (fun!). Thank you to everyone who commented with compassionate advice and support.

    While I am relieved and have incorporated advice from the GI doc (and advice from commenters here who had tips based on experience), I am very paranoid about it happening again since the inflammation brought me some of the worst pain in my life. About three weeks ago, I had severe inflammation elsewhere in my body that also caused me severe pain and required a cortisone shot to treat. The Google tells me that foods can cause inflammation so I wanted to explore adjusting my diet accordingly.

    However, many resources I have found also seem a little woo woo, which is concerning to me. I found one that seemed legit (MD with nutrition focus) only to later find that person’s professional ethics and science had been criticized. Are anti-inflammatory foods really a thing or just hocus pocus? Anyone have any experience with this?

    1. Rebecca*

      This is hard. My PA told me that foods in the nightshade family can cause issues with inflammation with some people, and apparently you can stop eating all of them for a time, see how the pain goes, and make a judgement call on it. I also have issues with arthritis and joint pain. Is there a physician or dietician within your in network physicians? (I’m in the USA so I have to keep “in network” to avoid paying full office visit fees) I know what you mean about the woo woo thing – it’s so difficult to sort everything out. I think it is “a thing” and that if it’s a thing for you specifically, not eating those things can help, but getting from Point A to Point B can be tricky.

      1. Wired Wolf*

        You might try the FODMAP Diet. It’s not intended as a permanent thing, mainly to figure out the types of foods your body reacts to, how and in what quantities. At the start you have to cut out a ton of foods and it takes a lot of discipline, but is helpful. That’s how my dad figured out he was sensitive to large amounts of cooked onions (no problem with raw or cooked in very tiny amounts as flavoring).

        1. Rebecca*

          I’ve heard of that, looked into it, and to be totally honest, I don’t have the discipline to do it. I just don’t. If I were in a controlled environment, and someone gave me certain things to eat each day, I could do it, probably not be too happy, but I’d survive, but doing it myself? Not going to happen. And why dieting doesn’t work for me either sadly.

    2. Lena Clare*

      Yeah, it’s a tricky one. I’ve heard mixed views about them.
      A few of the most consistent views I’ve heard are about avoiding dairy, foods from the nightshade family, and processed sugar.
      I can say that I’ve rialled and made errors with this, and I did feel better with no processed sugar or dairy, and minimal nightshade. I tend to avoid potatoes the most but have a lot of tomatoes and peppers, cooked.
      Another thing that was bad for my whole digestive system was caffeine.
      So I think that the views are basically try and see what works for you.
      The British Dietetic Association has some excellent fact sheets on their website, which you might find helpful.

    3. Thursday Next*

      I think if you try an elimination diet with a controlled reintroduction of foods, you might find there are foods that cause inflammation for you. There are doctors and dieticians who can help with a medically supervised elimination diet, if you’d prefer that to doing it on your own.

      I did an elimination diet two years ago, and the reintroduction phase gave me a lot of information.

    4. Em*

      There’s some evidence that eating Mediterranean diet with virgin olive oil can reduce inflammation. Many of the super restrictive anti inflammatory diets are based on theory (which components of foods are thought to be pro-/anti-inflammatory), but we know from the past that it is more complicated when you are talking about whole foods than components and sometimes people get this wrong. Most of these diets that eliminate tons of food categories (grains, nightshade vegetables, etc) have to my knowledge not been rigorously studied.

      Just because someone is a doctor does not mean they are knowledgeable in nutrition. I am a physician and had very little training in nutrition in medical school, despite trying to seek it out, and am NOT an expert in nutrition. Most doctors have had little to no formal nutrition training.

    5. Venus*

      I know of friends and family who have had serious health problems with food, and several of them have started with the paleo-AIP diet (Sarah Ballantyne) for a couple months and then added back foods to see which ones caused a problem. Well, all of them tried a restricted diet and then added foods back in, and those with the biggest problems tried paleo-AIP as she has done a lot of research.

      These diets work well for some people and not others. I can eat whatever I want without pain. But if you are experiencing pain, then why not be really careful about what you eat for 6-8 weeks and see if you feel better? What do you have to lose (other than time in preparing the meals as I know that they can be time-consuming, it isn’t a perfect system!)?

    6. lasslisa*

      The body and microbiome and immune system are a complex system and we don’t totally understand how all the pieces fit together. But we know diet can help with certain inflammatory and autoimmune conditions: diet for heart disease or diabetes isn’t controversial at all, for example.

      My doctor recommended I try one anti-inflammatory diet that’s used by some for MS (no refined sugar or white flour, no dairy, minimal meat and only grass-fed, lots of whole grains and vegetables and regular fish, minimal oil [no frying]…). But it’s actually really similar to the AHA recommended diet overall.

      There are some things that are unique to one diet (nightshades or drinking straight olive oil or avoiding certain fruit sugars) and some things that are pretty common (no doughnuts; yes to whole grains, veggies, nuts, and fish). I like looking at the methods that have a broader base of support rather than the extreme/”clever” ones, and the AHA diet or diabetic diet recommendations are actually a pretty good place to start. If you need to go more extreme for your own body or psyche, cut out entirely sugar and alcohol. I found it much easier to eat zero cookies than to eat one cookie (some subconscious logic like if that one was ok, why isn’t this one ok? It’s the same cookie.)

      No quick fixes but if you can make the changes, it really does make a difference to your overall health.

      1. naptime!*

        out of curiosity: how do you cook your food, if you don’t fry? do you just bake everything? boil everything?

          1. lasslisa*

            You can still saute and roast things! It’s not total oil elimination, polyunsaturated oils like olive seem to be fine or even healthy in moderation. But no deep frying.

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      I really like Dr. Fuhrman and Dr. Gregor. They are both focused on research.

    8. Fikly*

      There isn’t good solid evidence for any diet (other than ones to address very narrow specific medical issues, like keto for severe epilepsy, or strict gluten-free for Celiac) because the truth is that everyone’s body reacts differently to diets, and we haven’t figured out how to compensate for that adequately in studies.

      So you’re left with trial and error.

    9. LNLN*

      You might want to check out the book Diet for the MIND by Dr. Martha Clare Morris of Rush University. She writes about the results of a study in which researchers combined the Mediterranean and the DASH diets and evaluated the impact on participants’ risk of dementia. The focus was on reducing inflammation. The diet recommends limiting certain types of food (including sugar, beef, dairy) and consuming other food (whole grains, greens, berries, fish, etc.). Nothing super radical, no completely forbidden foods, but definitely not the Standard American Diet. Good luck!

      1. RagingADHD*

        Of all the diets tested, Mediterranean and/or DASH seem to always come out being good for everything – heart, longevity, dementia, depression/anxiety, ADHD, blood pressure, diabetes. It’s just overall a good way to go.

        They also have the best long-term compliance rates because they are really flexible.

    10. KoiFeeder*

      My dad has had success with the Keto diet, but that’s not intended as a long-term diet change. I’ve also heard about the Mediterranean diet being helpful, but weirdly, it’s always been post-menopausal women in my anecdata. There’s probably a study there.

      It’s kind of painful for me to eat and I don’t really absorb nutrients that well anymore anyways, so I just go with the “foods that I like enough to eat despite the pain and multivitamins” diet. I do not recommend it.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Hell0! Autoimmune sufferer here, with a loooooooong history of experimenting with food to control inflammation.

      A lot of it is going to be individual. There are some things you can tolerate that others can’t, and vice versa. The #1 most likely culprit, and the most common to nearly everyone, is sugar.

      After that is excess salt, and other additives in highly processed foods – artificial colors, flavors, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives, artificial sweeteners, etc.

      Personally for me, dairy is no problem. There are studies that show it increases inflammation, and others that show it decreases it. I do find that yogurt and other probiotic foods seem to help, especially with gut stuff. So if you’re feeling better I’d encourage you to try very gradually introducing unsweetened yogurt rather than avoiding all dairy on principle.

      Foods I try to eat nearly daily, and feel worse if I don’t, include blueberries, almonds, banana, and leafy greens. Whole grains are not a problem for me (and the fiber helps). Some people have issues with them, but rice and oats tend to be the best tolerated commonly-available ones. Quinoa is usually fairly safe as well. Healthy fats like avocado, olive oil, and nut butters are often good. Meat isn’t an issue for me as long as it’s not covered in processed sauce or seasonings. I can eat lunch meat from time to time, but not every day or I get issues.

      Overall, when I’m eating whole, minimally processed foods, I feel good. Particular culprits are sauces, salad dressings, packaged cereal, and snack foods – even the ones with “organic” or “natural” type branding. They are still packed with sugar and salt.

      Unfortunately there’s just a lot of trial and error to figure out what works for you. Starting out on a limited diet of whatever you’ve been eating since you got home, and gradually trialing one new food at a time, is the way to go. And drink LOTS of water. Water helps with everything.

      Good luck, hope it works out well for you!

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, BTW, if you have been eating a bland or lower-fiber diet lately, go slow on increasing your fiber intake with the fruits & veggies. Long-term it’s good, but too much too fast could be unfortunate if your gut is still sensitive.

    12. Ariadne Oliver*

      If you get inflammation, I would recommend you try eliminating gluten from your diet. So no food that includes wheat as an ingredient, also avoid soya sauce. There are other things that hide gluten but you can read up on that. It might not be the cause for you but that’s the trigger for me. I get inflammation throughout my body and nerve pain. I found that a dose of cortisone is really helpful for an acute attack.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I have been looking at foods and diets to help my health for decades now.
      A few things I have learned:

      If you are looking for the advice of someone who has NEVER been criticized for what they are saying, you won’t find a soul. My idea is that it’s better to look at what a wide range of people are agreeing on, find the common threads and try those things. For example, a lot of people favor leafy greens. So probably lettuces, kale and the like are something to consider.

      Do one thing at a time. If you change a bunch of stuff you have no idea what is working and what is not working. Not only can you end up wasting money but you can also end up feeling defeated and overwhelmed. The latter is worse.

      Simplify where ever possible. I actually enjoy the simplicity of having a piece of fruit for dessert as opposed to making a dessert type item. Some dietary changes can actually make life easier- less work.

      But I can give you are huge YES, it is worth looking into what you are eating and how it is helping you or undermining you. I am a fan of encouraging a person to prove it to themselves. From my own experience I have only stayed on my “diet” because I know for a fact that I have less pain and my body works better. I can move about better, I call in sick a lot less and most importantly I am not afraid. I had grown afraid of my own circumstance and did not trust my body to work as it was designed to work.

      Just recently, I cracked down on gluten in my diet. I have been told that I do not have a gluten problem, so I paid no attention to this aspect of my diet. For decades, I paid no attention to this. OMG, the differences in me without the gluten are amazing.

      Just my opinion, but I think the number one thing people can do to help themselves is to hydrate. This means getting in the same amounts of water each day, day after day after day….. I broke down and started measuring my water out in the morning. This way I know how I am progressing as the day goes along. And I like to get most of the water in to me before dinner so I am not getting up in the night. Measuring it out in the morning also helps with that goal. I am always amazed by how many little annoyances can be pushed back just by having adequate water.

    14. WS*

      Foods definitely cause inflammation…but unfortunately it’s highly variable as to what can cause inflammation in any individual. A good way to go is to keep a food and symptom diary so that you can keep track of trends. It doesn’t help much in the short-term, but in the long-term it really can. My whole family has autoimmune issues, but even within that small group of genetically close people there’s major differences in what sets each person off. My brother is sensitive to gluten and FODMAPs. My other brother is sensitive only to nightshades in large amounts. My mother has problems with mushrooms, red wine (very common) and nightshades in general. I have Crohn’s but nothing food-based triggers it*, my dad likewise has no food triggers. But I didn’t know this until I tried keeping a journal.

      *If I am having a flare-up, spicy or hot food can make upper gastric pain worse, but it doesn’t cause a flare-up.

    15. KeinName*

      I commented on your question last week – I have Chron‘s in remission, managed by medication and, I would say, daily exercise such as walks in the woods and going on the elliptical. Curcuma, blueberries, and many other foods are said to be antiinlammatory, but you‘d have to war a shitton of them to make and difference. Without knowing how you eat at the moment it is hard to reccomend anything. If you eat a balanced diet with little processed foods already I‘m not sure you should leave anything out or add lots of new stuff since that can stress your system and bring on attacks. Hämorrhoides can be due to very soft or hard stools so Maybe take care to eat Fiber. I‘m very sorry about your pain. However it is super that you have a diagnosis now!

    16. 00ff00Claire*

      Congratulations on a nothing scary colonoscopy result! I know that kind of relief. I have had quite the gamut of GI issues and I highly recommend seeking the advice of a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist if it’s possible. Depending on your insurance situation, a RDN consult might or might not be covered. I have been working with one for a few months now, and it really does beat the “throw a bunch of stuff at the wall and see what sticks” or method or using internet resources. It’s made a huge difference in my quality of life and I’m now working on incorporating more foods back into my diet. I’m also not a fan of “woo woo” and a good RDN won’t be either and can help you sort out woo from science. If working with someone is just not possible at this point, I would talk to your doctor about what she recommends or ask if she has resources on either the Mediterranean Diet or the DASH Diet. Wishing you success and GI relief!

    17. Traveling Teacher*

      Make sure any elimination is supervised by your doctor! You want to be sure you are still getting your essential nutrients, especially after a health scare. If you’re not getting enough of certain B vitamins, for example, it can seriously throw your digestion off.

      Also, one of the best things to incorporate into your diet that’s specific to hemorrhoids is oatmeal! Easy, cheap, and tasty, and it works!

  31. Rebecca*

    What home projects have you started, completed, thought about during the last 10 weeks or so?

    I cleaned out the extra bedroom upstairs where my room is, all except two dressers, moved them, and am making a home office. I gave myself a budget of $100, with the goal of using things in storage here or repurposing things to make them work rather than buying new things. I’ve spent half that on a 6′ folding table to use as a desktop, and I’m on the hunt for a nice office chair free or cheap. Hoping that if people are going back to the office, maybe they impulse bought things they really didn’t need and they’ll put them out at yard sales. I even have an old 1950’s typewriter stand with wheels that I’m reusing to hold my desktop tower and printer.

    1. LuJessMin*

      Hey, Rebecca! I’ve missed your posts. Should you ever decide to write a blog, please let us know.

      1. Librarian beyond the Shelves We Know*

        I’m going to second this! I have only come to the open threads in the past to see your follow-ups, because I love how much you’ve taken control of your life and moved forward. <3

        Back to your question: we want to finish our office space. It's kind of been used as a storage/dumping room since we moved into this apartment, and we're trying to get that working for us better. I have two more months (at least) of working from home, and I'd really love to have a better workspace than just my living-room chair and a hospital table (one that I can use as a standing desk if I want).

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      We worked a bit on my office/workshop. Painted the walls and ceiling (was such a gross smoker beige), moved a new work bench in. I was nice to make the space more me rather the catchall room it was becoming.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      I have been thinking of tackling the garage but have not found the courage to start!

    4. Belle*

      How are things going with your mom and your wildlife camera? Any new sightings of your bear or raccoon? It reminds me of when I used to live in a rural area and I used to take walks outside in nature.

      1. Rebecca*

        This morning I took laundry out to the clothesline, saw a small wobbly brown creature at the edge of the yard, and thought oh crap, a rabid fox. Went in the house, grabbed binocs, got a bead on it – not a rabid fox, a newborn fawn! I had never seen one so small. It bedded down in my yard, and about 2 hours later, I saw it with its mother. What a treat! And last Sunday afternoon I was taking clothes off the line, looked over, and a small bear was watching me! He vanished…then I turned around to take the basket of clothes in the house, and he was standing by my car. I said “we’re not going for a ride, if that’s what you’re hinting at”, and he meandered into the woods :) The other night I got engrossed in watching Dark Shadows, forgot to bring the bird feeder and hummingbird feeder in, and looked out to see a raccoon staring up at it, with two deer standing there too – I wondered what they were plotting.

        Do you have a game camera? Mine is just a simple one I got on Amazon, and I used a long extension cord and AC adapter so I don’t burn through batteries. I’ve also been identifying birds and learning calls, using the Merlin and eBird apps (my neighbor and hiking friend is into bird watching, so I’m learning to help her count birds here).

        1. Belle*

          When I lived in the country we did have a game camera. It was so nice to see what visited, especially at night. Now we are too far in the city to get much other than woodpeckers and some hummingbirds.

          Do the bears ever give you trouble? We didn’t have those around often. Ours were usually deer, rabbits, possums and a rare coyote.

          1. Rebecca*

            The bears can sometimes be troublesome, and I feel bad, because we humans have moved into their territory. We have bear hunting season, so that keeps the population down a bit. I have to be careful to bring the bird feeders in, otherwise, they become snacks. My neighbor has issues with her compost bins getting knocked over every so often, and I can’t put the garbage can out at the road the night before because a curious bear could make a mess. As long as they’re not purposely fed, it seems they just wander through from time to time. The one that I see doesn’t have a yellow tag, so he hasn’t been trapped and relocated. When we see them with two tags, one in each ear, sadly it’s a problem child so it’s wise to really be careful about bird food, garbage, etc.

    5. Stephanie*

      We moved to this house back in September. Both kids are now in college, and we wanted to downsize. Most of the house was painted in neutral colors, except for the room that was to be my son’s room. It was a vibrant, almost grassy green, and he hated it. But he wasn’t living here full time, so it was not a big priority to change it. And then covid hit, and he moved back home. I knew he really didn’t like his room, and it didn’t feel like home to him, so we had him pick a color and he and I painted his room. He learned how to paint a room, and now his room feels like it’s “his”.
      We also added some furniture to our screened porch because we’re using it just about daily, and we’ve done some gardening. We planted some shrubs and perennials in a small spot that was bare dirt, and planted pots for the front porch and patio.
      We also added a bathroom in the basement (we hired that out), which was much-needed after both kids were home full time. I can’t imagine sharing one small bathroom with three other grown people.
      I have many other things I could do, but not much motivation–like, finish unpacking the boxes in the basement, organize the linen closet, stuff like that. But, those aren’t really fun things to do, so I’m putting them off. I might paint the bannister and handrail going upstairs, but I’ve been putting that off, too.

      1. Rebecca*

        My friend’s son just did this – his room was the just the standard color the builders used, and he always disliked it, so he had some extra time due to all the shutdowns, etc. and repainted and his girlfriend made curtains. I’m anxious to see it in person, it looks great on the photos, such a restful color compared to the off white stark walls that were there.

        I totally get that putting off thing, sometimes I feel like I should get up and do something, but then I lay on my bed and play Candy Crush :P

    6. Fikly*

      I have been slowly working on getting my space set up as I wish it to be, as my health allows. I moved in February, but my ability to stand and energy levels has varied tremendously.

      Trying to set very small goals and take frequent breaks, and celebrate the little bits of progress.

    7. tab*

      I’m working on a shelving unit for our master closet. The builder used particle board for the shelving unit and it’s both ugly and missing huge chunks of wood. My husband and I used to do a lot of woodworking, so I decided to replace the unit using wood that we have on hand. I’m taking my time on the project, just working a bit on weekends. I just need to do some more sanding, and finish it with oil, then I can install it. Unlike the original unit, mine has adjustable shelves. It’s a fun little project.
      I’m also going through the house getting rid of things we no longer need or use. We plan to move in early 2024, so I’m starting the downsizing process now. I’ve done all the downstairs except for the dining room. I find getting rid of stuff to be very satisfying.

    8. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Hi Rebecca! Was hoping you’d post. We’ve been going thru old photos (ours and inherited), organizing, labelling, pitching). Spouse was off work for a while and pitched in, and it is so much easier with two of us. Not yet up to the year we started with digital cameras.

      1. Rebecca*

        Can I ask, are you digitizing photos? I was thinking of borrowing or buying a scanner to do that so I could share with my cousins, maybe put them in “the cloud” and give access to family members, something like that – I’m worried they’ll degrade further over time. What prompted this was me finding my uncle’s trunk from the Air Force in the early 1950’s and finding a small photo album, and I found a photo of my dad, his siblings, and their parents when dad was small.

    9. tri fold brochure*

      When it is open again, go to Lion Salvage in State College/University Park. (I read your posts too – have a similar past situation.) My house is — except for mattresses — basically furnished with stuff from Lion Salvage — inexpensive and far better quality than I could ever afford.

      1. Rebecca*

        I’ve never heard of that – thanks!! Will check it out, and happy I have access to a pickup truck, that’s always so helpful.

    10. Melody Pond*

      So many house things. Actually kind of stressed out about it.

      We bought our first house about 6-7 months ago. It’s a 1950s house and needs some work! Most recently, we are going to try tackling some electrical work ourselves. The house’s electrical system is almost entirely ungrounded, and while we hope to do a full rewire someday in the future, for the short-term, we will settle for adding GFCI to all of our ungrounded circuits that don’t already have it (kitchen, bathrooms, laundry room, garage all have GFCI already; living room, dining room, bedrooms, hallways do not).

      We will also likely have an electrician add whole-house surge protection at the electrical panel. We were going to have them do the GFCI receptacles as well, but the quotes we got were WAY more than we were prepared to spend, and with a little time and effort, we can probably do it ourselves. Hopefully over the next couple weeks we’ll get it done.

  32. Marajade*

    Hi! Does anyone else out there have ferrets? We’ve had them for 11 years now and currently have 4. Sadly Monty died on Monday from lymphoma. He was our most laid back ferret, never got into the mischief that others did e.g. never climbed on everything, never stealing/ eating socks etc. Our remaining 4 are very energetic, not cuddly,so my husband wants to get another cuddly boy to love. Not sure what the chances are of finding another one like him… If people do have ferrets- what are their personalities like? Just for fun

    1. Animal worker*

      I don’t have any, but a number of years ago I worked in a wildlife program that had domestic ferrets as a ‘touchable’ critter. We started with two males (don’t remember if they were littermates or not, I think we got them from a pet store) – we named Lenny and Squiggy. Squiggy was a bit more wired and Lenny more laid back. Both were friendly and you could hold them no problem but I wouldn’t call them cuddly.

      We later added three more, from someone who had pets they needed a new home for, a tiny little female (about 1/3 to 1/2 the size of the males) who took no guff from any of them, a male named Mila who was definitely a cuddler and very people oriented, and a humongous male named Sensei who was as Zen as his name might imply. So we only had a 20% cuddler ratio in our group.

      Since that’s my only experience, not sure if it’ll translate for you, but from my one sample set I think your chances of getting a cuddly one may be very hit or miss.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Are there ferret rescues in your area? They might be able to direct you to a cuddly ferret.

    3. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      No ferrets or advice, but you named Monty well, and I’m sorry for your loss!

  33. ThatGirl*

    Help me with window or portable AC units, please?
    We live in a 25 year old two story townhome. We replaced the hvac in 2012 but were told the builders didn’t put in big enough ducts so the AC is underpowered for the size of the house. Our master bedroom only has one duct. So it’ll be 72 downstairs and 78 upstairs. We’re not sure if we can have a window ac unit, but can ask the HOA board. Has anyone done similar? Any recs? And if not, has anyone used a portable unit that just needs venting?

    1. Thursday Next*

      We have an Amana portable unit. It is powerful, but very loud! I think all portable units are—we’d had another before getting the Amana last year, and it was loud as well.

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      I have a DeLonghi portable from Costco, and it is powerful! But….I am on the top floor of a wood-framed apartment building, with an uninsulated attic above me, so the AC has to work very hard to cool my bedroom. The compressor is also about as loud as a running fridge, so I can’t run it at night.

      I keep the bedroom door shut while it is running to keep the hot air from the living room and kitchen away from the bedroom, but really, the electricity costs might not be worth bothering with it this summer. So, a mixed review from me!

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      You could also see about installing a split A/C. There is an outside compressor and a wall mounted unit. Generally they cool and heat. More expensive than a portable or window unit, but a good long term solution.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Heat is not a problem, since it rises and we like it cool for sleeping. The upstairs is basically never too cold, just too hot.

        1. CoffeeforLife*

          Lucky. Our second story is an icebox in the winter…but I’m from the tropics so …shrug…

    4. Natalie*

      We have both, a window AC upstairs and portable AC downstairs. For the size of our house they work just fine!

      Wirecutter has solid reviews of window units if you’re wondering about which one to buy.

    5. Ranon*

      How’s your air sealing and roof insulation? Improving those might be cheaper in initial costs (especially if your utility offers incentives) and it will give you more comfort in winter and summer.

      1. ThatGirl*

        The roof was replaced two years ago, I’m not sure about air sealing. Because we live in an HOA townhome anything exterior would need to go through them. I don’t think insulation is the problem, the cold air just doesn’t get upstairs well in the first place.

    6. Neef*

      I just bought another portable AC for my living room after using one for the bedroom all last summer. I prefer them to window AC 1,000 times over because you can just roll them to a closet in winter and pull them out when you need them. My only advice would be to measure the casement of the windows because they come with a plastic exhaust pipe and metal plates that go on the window (no need to remove screen). We had to have a friend in construction come over to cut the metal plate for the size of the bedroom window (which meant it couldn’t be moved to the larger living room window). Also most portable ACs come with a little tube for draining it out in case the bottom becomes filled with water. Don’t throw it out, we just somehow attached ours to the back, however, we’ve never had to use it. Otherwise set up is easy.

      2. M*

        We live in employer-provided housing so are not allowed to make major adjustments to the house. Our house has these very weird vertical windows that crank out and no portable AC unit fits it. I bought the purple or pink foamboard insulation sheets from the hardware store and basically crafted my own version of what Neef describes using gorilla tape. It was NOT pretty but it worked very well for holding the vent hose in place and keeping the heat on the outside and the cool on the inside. Some of my coworkers cut plexi or wood versions of the same thing but I am not that handy. Each year I just make a new foam piece or if we move it to a different window (so the LOUD is not right by the ear of a sleeping person, for example, when you put it too close to the bed…)

    7. Jack Russell Terrier*

      On another note – would a ceiling fan help at all? Our upstairs temp was really different from downstairs. We put a ceiling fan at the top of the stairs and it made quite a bit of difference. That might not help you of course.

      1. ThatGirl*

        It probably would help some, but we don’t have an overhead light so we’d need new wiring, which sounds like an even bigger hassle than an AC unit.

        2. Anono-me*

          A while back someone on here was talking about a ceiling fan that plugged in and hung from a hook in the ceiling. It sounded really cool.

          1. honoria*

            I googled “ceiling fan plug in hang hook ceiling” and came up with this from Lowes:
            https://www.lowes.com/pd/allen-roth-Valdosta-20-in-Oil-Rubbed-Bronze-Indoor-Outdoor-Ceiling-Fan-3-Blade/50058309?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-lit-_-google-_-pla-_-183-_-landscapelighting-_-50058309-_-0&placeholder=null&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_ez2BRCyARIsAJfg-ktbIg4OV1huqpztP83z6B6fdl4e1uCoG1nDpOV_X2RxdE7rsD8owpgaApCTEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
            o my that’s long–sorry!
            Also some amazon results I haven’t had a chance to look through yet.
            I hope that helps!

          2. ThatGirl*

            This is not a great solution for us, since the ceiling is peaked and the cord would have to be quite long. With all the hassle involved new wiring would make more sense. But I appreciate the thought!

    8. MizPurple*

      I had a similar problem and tried the low-tech solution of putting a couple of inexpensive fans in the stairwell area (a floor fan and a stand fan) to move the cool air up to the top floor. I was fortunate enough to have a ceiling fan in the upstairs bedroom as well, and I added a quiet tower fan to direct moving air right on to the bed. Worked pretty well. In humid climates, a dehumidifier can be really useful, but you have to be disciplined about emptying the water regularly.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Thanks! We have a fan on either side of the bed plus one right by the vent to draw as much cold air as possible but it’s not ideal.

    9. nonegiven*

      You can add ducts. They make a flexible duct that would be easier to run in an older house but you would still need a bigger a/c

      https://www.homedepot.com/p/Master-Flow-8-in-x-25-ft-Insulated-Flexible-Duct-R6-Silver-Jacket-F6IFD8X300/100396936

      My sister’s older house had quite a bit added on at the back and the a/c wasn’t big enough to heat and cool the new part of the house. They added a ductless minisplit back there and it works great.

      https://www.pioneerminisplit.com/products/12-000-btu-ductless-dc-inverter-mini-split-air-conditioner-heat-pump-115-vac

  34. Anónima*

    I wanted to get some advice.
    I am having nightmares lately. I had a particularly traumatic one this morning after falling back asleep about 10 am.
    My sleep pattern is all over the place, I’m exhausted, I’m napping (which is not good, I know), and I’m comfort eating. All stuff which is not designed to be the best for me right now!
    I normally try to work out what my dreams are telling me.
    I’m on meds which make my dreams quite vivid, so exploring them can be a bit disturbing but usually fruitful.
    However these bad dreams and nightmares lately are flummoxing me, and they are really disturbing.

    I’m putting off going to sleep which is making me more tired.

    Any tips? I really just want the nightmares to stop and to get back into a routine.

    1. GreenDew*

      Removed. Please pick one user name and stick with it. (This is a change to previous rules.) It’s fine to occasionally change a name to ask something more anonymously, but six different user names on one post in the space of a few hours is too much. I’m asking you to pick one and stick with it. Thank you. — Alison

    2. fposte*

      Are you getting any decent exercise? That’s a huge psychological boost, as well as an aid to sleep, and I think a big part of the boost is that our essential mammalian self feels better equipped to avoid the predators.

        1. fposte*

          The basic evolutionary scaffolding that underpins all of us. It’s my phrasing, not an official scientific one, but being vulnerable to predators freaks out pretty much everything.

    3. Stephanie*

      I have found that exercising regularly really, really helps me sleep better. And I have recently cut way back on alcohol (from every day to two or three days per week) and have noticed a big difference in quality of sleep. I never remember my dreams, but I do notice that lately (since the virus), I wake up feeling like I had an unsettling dream sometimes.
      Yoga also really, really helps me with stress and aches and pains, which in turn helps with sleep. Yoga with Adriene on Youtube is a good source, she’s got lots and lots of videos, with lots of choices. She has at least one for bedtime. The deep, mindful breathing is very, very therapeutic.

      1. WellRed*

        I agree with your points. In the pandemic, I’ve found more time for exercise and I’ve made it a point to cut way back on drinking. I’m still not a great sleeper, but it’s much better!

    4. Reba*

      Reading between the lines, it sounds like you might be in that sleep-anxiety loop where you’re not sleeping well, and you’re lying there worrying and beating yourself up about not sleeping well, and on and on. Been there! One thing that has helped me, in addition to the exercise mentioned by others, is to make my bedroom and bed a really rewarding place to be, so even if I’m in bed awake, I can tell myself I’m resting my body, enjoying the feeling of my nice sheets and whatnot.

      Also, FWIW, sometimes dreams are just…dreams. I tend to think that the overall emotional tenor of dreams reflects something about my state, but I don’t pay attention to the particular narrative content, if that makes sense.

      (I know a lot of people derive insights from dream interpretation, while I like reading about the science of sleep and dreams, which is really unsettled, which I find oddly delightful — this thing we all do so much of, and we don’t fully know why!)

      Both your meds and the generally high level of stress all around mean that it’s no surprise your brain is processing higher-than-usual negative feelings. Maybe thinking of it that way, in terms of a neuro-cognitive process, could help you feel a little distance from the bad dreams?

      1. Anónima*

        Thinking of it as a neurocognitive process is a really helpful way of framing it, thank you!

    5. Dancing Otter*

      My daughter recommends a lavender sleep pillow. I keep meaning to try tucking a couple of lavender sachets into my pillowcase. (I make them for moth control, so have a good supply.)

      Lavender promotes good sleep, though I don’t know about dreams. Seems as though something calming ought to help, or at least not make them worse.

      1. Nessun*

        If you can use essential oils, lavender oil on the temples also works. I find it very calming, and a little goes a long way.

    6. pancakes*

      I don’t often have nightmares but every time I’ve had a really bad, unsettling one it’s turned out that in hindsight the room was too warm or I was dressed too warm.

      1. Stephanie*

        That’s a really good point. I know I always sleep better when it’s on the cooler side in my bedroom.

        1. pancakes*

          I’d never considered it until an ex pointed it out to me. It really does help to cool fresh air.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. Somehow my sleeping brain interprets “body 5 degrees too warm” as the Kill Bill Sirens or something.

    7. RagingADHD*

      If you are having a new type of dreams since starting the meds, please don’t read anything into them.

      You are exhausted, stressed, and your body is coping with new meds. That’s what the dreams are telling you. Try not to bring that conflict into your waking hours and take it personally. You can really do a number on yourself mentally and emotionally if you ascribe too much importance to what are, really, just symptoms and side effects of your physical state.

      I wish I had better advice about regularizing your sleep cycle, but mine is messed up right now too, so I can’t. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I hope it gets better soon.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Please check with your pharmacist or doc to see if this is a known side-effect of your meds.

      Decades ago, Ann Landers recommended a full check up if a person was dealing with nightmares. I have to agree, sometimes nightmares can be a warning that something needs to be dealt with. This would be my second choice to explore here.

      My third choice is to take a look at what you are eating. For me, junk food mixed with stress is a horrible combination that gives me all kinds of annoying health stuff plus nightmares.

      1. Anónima*

        This makes sense.
        Having more vivid dreams is a definite side effect, nightmares I think are probably in response to the pandemic and lockdown being eased. I’ve also just completed a personal development assigment for university which brought some stuff up for me, so although the imagery in the dream was extremely traumatic, the tenor of the dream is something I think I’m beginning to understand in reaction to the stuff I’ve been going over in the assignment.
        I wrote appt it this morning and had that insight wick was lacking yesterday.

        I’m a bit troubled by the fact it could be indicative of something physical also, although I am having tests for some illnesses right now, so it makes sense. Interesting that the nightmares could be related that, or perhaps anxiety about it too.

        Oh I for sure have been eating junk food and I know it doesn’t help.
        I like what you said in the thread about GI issues, that your body wasn’t doing what it was meant to. I can relate to that. I like the idea you posited of taking agency for that.

    9. Anónima*

      Thank you! I did the yoga with Adriene bedtime routine, massaged my feet with lavender oil, and had a herbal tea (instead of my usual decaf coffee) before I went to bed and I slept slightly better last night. I think I need to do some more exercise and just be out in the fresh air a bit today too.
      I had another vivid dream but it wasn’t a nightmare thank God.
      I definitely agree that being less stressed in general will improve my sleep quality and will therefore make the nightmares less intense.
      Thanks all for your advice.

      1. Stephanie*

        I’m so glad you ha a better night! Fresh air is a big help, too! I hope it continues to get better for you. Good luck!

    10. nonegiven*

      I once got a series of nightmares to stop by ‘lucid dreaming.’ I’d force* myself awake as soon as I recognized the pattern and I was able to recognize it earlier and earlier in the dreams. First the dreams started getting more subtle in the lead up, then they stopped when I kept up the forced awakening. I mean I was waking myself before the nightmare part as soon as I recognized the pattern.

      *I woke myself by deliberately screaming. First, I tried forcing my eyes open but it was too hard to keep them open and I’d go right back into it. OK, screaming it is, IDC who hears it.

    11. Anonymous dreaming*

      With the arrival of the pandemic and extended sheltering in place, I started having nightmares a few nights a week, which is atypical for me. I was concerned enough about it that I talked with my therapist. Her response was that these are stressful times and it was a normal reaction for the human primal brain. She emphasized good self-care during the day, as others here have mentioned, and that although it was unpleasant it was nothing alarming and would gradually subside. As I’ve been taking care of myself with exercise and minimizing isolation by reaching out more to others on the phone or online, the nightmares have gone away. Good luck to you!

  35. Teapot Translator*

    Gardening question
    My father has lilies of the valley in his back yard. I’d like to transfer some of them to the front yard, under these very tall coniferous trees (don’t ask me what kind, I don’t know). The first branches start at maybe two meters and a half? According to the Internet, lilies of the valley may grow under these trees.
    I have two questions:
    1) can I transplant them now? They’re flowering I think. Is it better to wait for September?
    2) how does one “corral” lilies of the valley to avoid having them take over the back yard? Just pull out the ones that we don’t want? Can it be done whenever? Before they flower? I just think they’ve been left unchecked since my mother passed away and one day the yard may be covered in them (which is not the plan).
    Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      I don’t know about the south, but in the midwest, now is absolutely the time to put plants in; just make sure they get enough water while they get established.

      As far as lily of the valley and this particular plan–does anything, including weeds, grow under these trees right now? If not, it may just be too acidic and shady even for lily of the valley, so don’t be disappointed if they don’t come back next year. Plants don’t read the internet :-). As far as the corralling goes, effective hand-weeding is tough with lily of the valley; it spreads through underground rhizomes, and it’s easy to pull out just the stem and leave the rhizome ready to spread. Barriers are worth a try but they need to go very deep, since it will cunningly dig under them.

      That being said, some mild invasiveness in my garden has been tolerable; the grass is too sunny and dry for it to want to spread into it, and it hasn’t crowded out anything that I’ve missed. But that’s a big YMMV.

    2. Kate*

      I have lily of the valleys and ferns in a flower bed, both liking to expand. Usually, I just dig out the ones appearing outside the border and trying to be diligent about that.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My preference is to wait until a plant stops flowering. It’s enough energy to flower but to have to flower and set down new roots is exhausting for them.

      Lilies of the valley are a fairly aggressive grower, so I’d be a little less concerned with them regarding flowering and transplanting at the same time. I think you can move them if you want or you can wait until the flowers pass.
      The reason many people don’t move a lot of plants during the summer is because of constant watering. It’s a pain in the butt.

      You can’t really corral them. I’d mow or weed whack down the ones you don’t want. You can remove the ones you don’t want whenever you want. If you are just chucking them, it doesn’t matter when you remove them. I used to try to salvage every plant I found. If you do this with lilies of the valley, it will become your new full time job. Please don’t feel compelled to rescue them all- just toss them in the compost or yard debris bags. They will make more in a short bit.

      As far as planting under trees, the rule of thumb I have found helpful is if NO grasses or anything else will grow under the tree then probably whatever I think of to plant there probably won’t grow either. So here your choices would be:
      Raise the canopy up higher by removing more of the lower limbs to let a little more light in. Two and a half meters would be too high for me to cut so I am thinking it may or may not be an option for you.
      The other choice is to plant the lilies around the very edge of the branches. This is called the drip line, where water drips off the tree limbs and hits the ground. There may be enough light at the drip line for the lilies to survive.
      You can also consider abandoning the idea because you aren’t sure if the lilies will grow and it’s too much work for too little return. I do factor in the return on my investment of labor on decisions also.

  36. Nicki Name*

    I’ve discovered a definable genre of movie that I like, and I’m wondering if anyone knows the name for it or can suggest some more movies in it.

    The best name I can come up with is A Bunch Of Distinguished Actors Having A Good Time, because there is an ensemble cast of actors who have shown up in a lot of other movies and TV. Not big stars, necessarily, just people who have been around for a while.

    The movies are frequently, but not always, based on a book, often classic literature or murder mysteries. Austen adaptations, for instance, even though I’ve given up within a couple pages when I’ve tried actually reading Austen. The David Copperfield adaptation from last year is giving me strong vibes that I should go and check it out. The version of Murder on the Orient Express from a couple years ago also really worked for me. But, as a non-book example, so did Knives Out.

    So is there a commonly accepted term for this sort of movie, and/or does anyone want to suggest me some more in a similar vein?

    1. James*

      Not sure of the name for this type of movie. It tends to cross genres.

      A lot of John Wayne movies fall into this. MacClintoc being the best, in my opinion; it’s got a good plot, good actors, and manages to be both serious (his speech about growing up should be required reading in middle school) and comedy. It addresses how Native Americans were treated, sexism, classism, and a bunch of other issues without being preachy or slowing the movie down (John Wayne’s statement about everyone having a boss, so a hired hand is just as good as a multi-millionaire, should also be required reading in middle school). Don’t get me wrong–the SJWs will find a LOT to complain about–but it does far better in those aspects than many movies today.

      You can also get horror/comedy movies–“The Raven” happened because a lot of big-name B-movie stars (Vincent Price, for example) wanted to make a movie together. Well worth checking out; my family used to watch it every Halloween.

      I’d say 99% of Adam Sandler’s movies are excuses to hang out with people he likes in vacation spots and get paid for it. I’m not a fan–never thought Sandler was funny, and the movies tend towards juvenile humor–but that’s just me.

      1. Nicki Name*

        Adam Sandler’s humor doesn’t work for me either. OTOH, The Raven definitely sounds like something I should check out. Thanks!

      2. Star*

        the SJWs will find a LOT to complain about

        The use of the term ‘SJW’ to dismiss concerns tends to say more about the person using the term than the people described by it.

        1. James*

          Not dismissive. A semi-jocular warning. I’d made a point of saying how the film does a good job addressing a lot of different issues, and thought it prudent to make it clear that this was not a Progressive production. It’s better than most films of the time, but it’s still a product of the time. The dig at SJWs is a quick way to convey a lot of information, that’s all.

          I find it somewhat amusing that you’ve opted to launch into personal attacks based on assumptions about my post when you could tell, from reading for comprehension instead of for ways to score easy points, my intent was fairly obvious.

    2. Coco*

      I like Gosford Park a lot.

      For a more serious movie, something like Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy?

      I love Wes Anderson movies and he uses the same famous cast repeatedly. For people not that into him, Moonrise Kingdom is great.

      Guy Ritchie has kind of more violent ensemble movie filmography. I liked Rocknrolla.

      Can’t think of a genre name but I like these too.

      For romantic comedies there were a number a while back. Love Actually, Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. New Year’s Eve. Unfortunately these don’t have a mystery bent so may not be your thing.

      1. Nicki Name*

        I’m not generally into romcoms, but I did like Love Actually. I liked a lot of the stars, and I appreciate how it attempts to be *every* romantic comedy all at once.

        I liked Gosford Park, too. Guess I need to look up some Wes Anderson movies. I also haven’t seen Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

      2. Nessun*

        I love Gosford Park and Knives Out. I’d also recommend Oscar, Arsenic and Old Lace, and Noises Off – all ensemble type pieces based on plays. Rocknrolla is also a great time. Heist movies in general seem to be cut from the same ensemnle-cast, flip the script cloth – The Italian Job, Oceans 11, etc.

        2. Scarlet Magnolias*

          Coen Brothers remake of the Ladykillers, hysterical performance by Tom Hanks who for once is not channeling Jimmy Stewart. A dark heist movie-very enjoyable!

    3. DistantAudacity*

      The Pitt/Clooney-headed «Ocean 11» etc. films come to mind – they arbe definetly a bunch of actors hanging out, having a good time!

      2. Sunset Maple*

        The Ocean series was my first thought, as well! Anything that involves a “caper” would fit this description, I think. Maybe also The Italian Job? Both the original and the remake are good, IMO.

      3. CTT*

        I was about to say that if you looked up “Bunch of Actors Having Fun” in the dictionary, there is a little woodcut drawing of the Oceans Eleven poster

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I think you have the right term already! “Ensemble cast”. A quick google pulls up several “best ensemble cast” lists. Not all of them will be exactly what you are talking about, but there should be a good few.

      1. Star*

        Yes, this.

        also, on TV TRopes there’s a trope called Production Posse, where a creator tends to assemble a group of actors, etc, and keeps employing them in one movie or TV show after another. Some of the examples there might be useful.

    5. Anon5775*

      How about: Valentine’s Day, Spotlight, Wet Hot American Summer, Lord of the Rings trilogy, It’s a mad mad mad mad world, Bridesmaids, A mighty Wind (and other Christopher Guest films), and the Godfather films.

      1. Nicki Name*

        I have creative differences with Peter Jackson over what parts of LotR he chose to emphasize and what got cut. Haven’t seen any of the others, though. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World is one of those things that floats past me every few years and gets me thinking, “Maybe I should watch that.” I guess it must be streaming somewhere by now.

    6. 00ff00Claire*

      Not sure if this would be one you are interested in, but A Few Good Men has quite the ensemble cast, at least of actors of a certain era. We watched it last night on BBC America, and it’s been ages since I’ve seen it, but even the small parts were played by some familiar names – Noah Wyle and Cuba Gooding Jr.

    7. Radar’s Glasses*

      Ensemble movies sounds good. I look for character actors who pop up in the films – like Harry Morgan (Col. Potter in MASH on tv). He was in High Noon and Support Yr Local Sheriff and ran the gamut from drama to comedy. Other supporting/characters actors include George Kennedy, Bruce Dern, Steve McQueen, Jack Elam, even Lee Marvin and Clint Eastwood. They started out in minor parts and eventually got their breakout roles (Magnificent Seven, Bullitt, The Great Escape – now that’s a great ensemble film, The Dirty Dozen). Sorry for the oldies list, but my dad took us to these film when we were little kids.

    8. Radar’s Glasses*

      I forgot: Charade with Gary Grant and Audrey Hepburn. Supporting actors: Walter Matthau, James Coburn, George Kennedy, among others. Great fun, and it was shot in Paris.

      1. Nessun*

        Good grief I forgot that one too!! Love Charade!! (Cary Grant at that desk LOL!!)

      2. Nicki Name*

        I was only aware of this movie as something that Henry Mancini (one of my favorite composers) wrote music for. Sounds like I need to track it down!

        1. fposte*

          I bet you will find the music familiar–it’s a popular tune and he even repurposed it for a Columbo. (It’s great music, too, so it’s okay that now it’s my earworm.)

    11. Oxford Comma*

      The Last of Sheila, the original The Murder on the Orient Express, Evil Under the Sun, Clue, Murder by Death, Death on the Nile.

      2. Nicki Name*

        I have never heard of Murder by Death before, but I would want to watch it just on the basis of that title. I’m familiar with the Lumet version of Murder on the Orient Express, but didn’t know about the 1978 version of Death on the Nile (though I have seen the TV version with David Suchet). Since Kenneth Branagh’s about to release his own version, I guess I really should track that one down.

        1. Oxford Comma*

          There are some bits in Murder by Death that have definitely not aged well, but it’s has a fabulous cast and has some great moments (everything with Truman Capote). It’s also definitely one of the ancestors to Knives Out. The Lumet version of Murder on the Orient Express was enough of a hit that it spawned all those Agatha Christie inspired films. There are a few more but the ones I listed are the ones I liked best. Evil Under the Sun bears no resemblance to the original novel but it’s got Maggie Smith and Diana Rigg going head to head in fabulous 1930s outfits.

      3. Avasarala*

        I see you also watched that Just Write video on movies that inspired Knives Out.

        Should also add that The Last of Sheila should have an asterisk to old-timey not-PC handling of homophobia and pedophilia. Otherwise a good enough movie.

    12. Forensic13*

      Christopher Guest movies! A Mighty Wind, Best in Show, etc. A bunch of comedians in the movie, with loose plots, with a ton of improv in the actual dialogue.

    13. Arya Parya*

      You might like these: Calender Girls, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The Boat that Rocked, A Fish Called Wanda, Pride. There are a whole lot of british movies with ensemble casts. You might want to look into that.

    15. EnsembleAway*

      Check out The Death of Stalin, currently on Netflix. It’s basically a bunch of famous British and American actors that got together and were like “we should do a movie about Stalin. Should we do accents? Absolutely not.” The cast is there to have a good time and it’s wonderful.

  37. Ginny reporting*

    There’s a TV show whose next episodes and seasons got pushed several months away, and probably due to the stress and anxiety of Covid and current world events, it’s making me feel really down (sad even). I acknowledge I am incredibly privileged to be having such a 1st world problem but the social isolation is really getting to me, despite having weekly family and friend calls, and a very-much present spouse. I walk/exercise a socially distant 4 miles a day and read a bunch.

    Oddly, the only thing that really helps those feelings is writing fanfiction for said show.

    Is this weird?
    Do you have other ideas for coping mechanisms?

    1. yeine*

      Writing fanfiction is an awesome coping mechanism. Is the fandom of your show decent, tolerable? you might also be able to read some fic to make you feel better, or you could start a rewatch of the show if there are a lot of episodes you can find again in hopes they’re back when you’re finished.

    2. James*

      I don’t worry too much about being weird. Once you have a collection of dried frogs, you either embrace the weird or go insane.

      I also found writing fiction helps. First, it lets you break away from the world for a while. Okay, yes, my most recent story was about the fantasy equivalent of a world war–but it’s not REAL, and I can focus on the noble aspects not the horror, or I can use the horror to come to terms with what’s going on in the world, as I choose. This is anthropologically sound; it’s known that humans use play to process things that would otherwise be overwhelming.

      If you feel guilty about this, remember that this is how a lot of literature was made throughout history. Mary Shelly wrote “Frankenstein” after a game of “Who can make the scariest story?” due to being cooped up with some friends. Mort d’Arthur–the foundation of Arthurian Legend, one of the greatest stories in the Western cannon–was written because the guy was in prison and bored out of his mind. Also, I’d say 80% of what we consider canon in Arthurian Legend is fan fiction. Lancelot, for example, was added to the cannon long after the original stories. “The Meditations” were a Roman emperor’s way of passing time in a military camp. The Lord of the Rings was written, in part, to deal with the isolation and horror of WWI. It’s not literature, but Newton worked on calculus during his time in quarantine, leading to a major advancement in mathematics. Pretty much every musician right now and throughout history wrote music during times of isolation, including some of the greatest works ever produced. Art in a time of crisis is normal, and healthy.

      The idea that you should feel guilty for writing a story you enjoy to help cope with the horrors going on around you is a purely modern invention, and is nonsense. Have fun, and know that you’re following in the footsteps of many of the greatest minds throughout history.

    3. lasslisa*

      There has been some research showing that our brain processes characters from fiction as friends of ours. So when you’re watching a show, or re-reading a good book, some part of your mind is enjoying the cameraderie of a familiar face and kind presence.

      I think about this a lot when I’m missing a show or a story, or reading fanfiction, etc. If it rings true to you, I might ask, how else can you hang out with your friends on this TV show? And, might you be feeling lonely more generally, and what else could you do to get a feeling of connection with other people?

    4. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      The current anime season had most of its shows posponed until further notice, which is not unexpected tbh. My favorite coping right now is obsessing over something else. Right now I’m watching kdramas.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’m not sure if that counts as a first-world problem. Even poor countries have TV nowadays.

  38. PhyllisB*

    This is a question for those of you who sell cars (or know someone who does) I have been planning to purchase a new vehicle and asked a question about that some weeks ago but then of course everything shut down so everything got put on hold. In the meantime I got rear-ended and sustained 1200.00 worth of damage. Not my fault, other insurance company has already sent me a check. Here’s my question: I looked up the trade-in value for my vehicle and it says 1800-2500.00 (vehicle is 10 years old.) My question is this: Should I go ahead any pay to get it fixed before the trade-in or just trade in as is? My husband says don’t fix it, a friend says I should. What say you?

    1. Blarg*

      I sold a car last year to a colleague who was essentially a stranger. I had some door damage that was my fault and a cracked windshield from living in a place where that’s what happens. We agreed I’d fix the door and she didn’t care about the windshield cause it was at the bottom and had sealed itself off. So that’s what worked for me, finding a buyer first. For a car with value not much higher than the repair costs, I’d for sure talk to whomever you plan on selling it to/trading it in before making any decisions. You aren’t going to get blue book from a dealer and may well end up losing money if you fix the car and still don’t get as much as you anticipated. Good luck!

    2. Dan*

      It’s funny, those are the questions people typically but ask, but IMHO they aren’t the right ones. At this point in the car’s life, blue book ain’t the half of it. I mean, it’s a starting point, but that’s it. Given that fixing the car isn’t an obvious no brainer, my next questions are as follows: If you were to replace the car, what would your options be, and how hard is that on your budget? Second, realistically speaking, what’s the useful life left on your car? (E.g., how many miles do you have on it?) Is your current car in general a money pit?

      As a personal example, I drive a 10 year old car that only has 65,000 miles on it. Blue book is a few thousand. If I were to get involved with something that requires $2k-$3k in repairs, that probably totals the car. But here’s the deal: Given my driving habits, I could easily get another 10 years out of this car. The car in general is not a money pit, it’s cost me nothing but routine service. Replacing the car would lock me into monthly payments for the next few years, so a replacement isn’t the obvious choice. If my car were functionally at the end of life (maybe 150,000 miles or more, or was otherwise a money pit) I may take that as a signal to replace the car.

      But and large though, only looking at blue book and replacement costs is very over simplifying things.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed.

        I had one car that was a rolling total. The cosmetic damage exceeded the blue book value of the car. The insurance company decided it was a loss. I was happy to get rid of that car. This was odd because I really loved that car in its hayday. I bought it new and had it for just over 9 years. It felt like it was time to move on.

        Annnd I bought one of the worst vehicles I have ever had. I paid for that three times. Once when I bought it, once when I bought a boat load of parts for it. The third time I bought it was when I had an accident- well the insurance company bought the repairs. But insurance is basically a fancy loan so I paid in the long run.
        The repair from the accident came to 4k and the blue book was 6k. The insurance company would not total it out. The irony was not lost on me, the car I loved got totaled out and this THING got repaired.

        I never felt safe in the repaired vehicle again. Which is part of my point here.

        If you do not feel safe in the vehicle, then get rid of it.
        If you have the ability to get a new vehicle and before the accident you had been thinking about a new vehicle, get rid of it.

        If you basically like the vehicle, it suits your needs and you feel safe in it, then keep it.

        A good mechanic or a good friend with mechanic abilities might be of support here. You can ask if you do the repairs what parts are probably going to fail next. Let’s say the repairs are done and an unrelated Large Repair bill suddenly comes on the scene. You know you best, do you regret the first repair or do you just do this current additional repair and go on with life?

      2. PhyllisB*

        Dan, thanks for your reply. You’re right I was over simplifying the question just didn’t want to make it too complicated. I plan to trade in for a brand new vehicle. The car has 183,000 miles on it but is in very good shape mechincally. The only reason I’m planning to trade is because my 89 year old mother is having trouble getting in and out (it’s an Enclave) and I need to get something easier for her to navigate. I bought it used two years ago from this same dealer and they took care of all problems for me because I have been a customer for over 40 years. They will possibly give me a bit better trade because of this, but I didn’t want to spend the money for repairs if it wouldn’t really make any difference in the trade in.

    3. lasslisa*

      If you’re planning to trade it in, talk to the dealer and get their price estimate on the car – without the damage, first. They often don’t really care about damage, because they’re just going to junk an old car like that anyway, but also there’s no guarantee your trade in value would much exceed those repair costs.

      1. Dan*

        Where I live, $300 is the going rate for a trade-in that will get sent to auction (aka “junked”).

    4. Penguin*

      Talk to the dealer and find out the numbers! They’re the only ones who can tell you what they’ll give you, after all. I traded in a vehicle this past winter, and the repair costs were almost as much as the vehicle was theoretically worth. I took the dealer’s as-is trade-in offer, since I came out ahead. Odds are, on a vehicle more than just a couple years old it’s not worth repairing them to trade-in, unless a) you’re doing the work yourself or b) it’s a car with an unusually high resale value. Cars depreciate so quickly that paying a mechanic to do repairs is probably going to eat up the difference in trade-in values.

    5. Dancing Otter*

      A lot of times, what you get as a trade-in allowance is more about how badly they want to sell you a new(er) car than it is about the intrinsic value of your old one.

      Because my dealer wanted (or was required by the manufacturer?) to maintain the sticker price on my new car, they “gave” me more than double the black book value of my old car.

      But years earlier, a used car dealer actually asked me *after* settling on the price, whether I intended to have my insurance company fix the windshield. In a word, NO.

      So it’s really a matter of negotiation with the dealer.

  39. PhyllisB*

    I’m removing this because of the rules for this weekend posted at the top. I’m sorry about that! – Alison

    1. Not A Manager*

      It’s funny, I saw PhyllisB’s post just above and thought how much I’d like to know what’s going on with her son and her grandson. Phyllis, I don’t know what this removed post was about, but I’m sorry if you can’t update us this week. I hope that in the future we’ll be able to hear from you about your family. I actually think about them quite a bit, and about the challenges of being a parent to adults who don’t always make good decisions.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        People are welcome to share what’s going on with them as long as it’s done in a way that invites conversation — by asking questions, throwing out ideas for discussion, etc. But the rules at the top ask for no “I’m not asking for advice, just updating you on my life” type posts like this one.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I understand. I wasn’t suggesting that it was wrong to remove the post.

          I noticed on the “rules” post that you asked people not to rehash the discussion from last week. It’s possible that’s one of the reasons you’re getting entirely positive comments on that thread now. People who didn’t mind the more open format already expressed their thinking last week, and they might be respecting your request not to re-litigate that now.

          This just seemed like a good place to mention to Phyllis that some of us did enjoy her updates and hope things are going well for her family, without getting into the broader question of the posting rules.

        2. LizB*

          I’m wondering if it’s within the spirit of the rules to have a single thread where the question is “What’s going on in your life right now?” so people can give updates but all in one collapsible spot? Or is that too difficult to manage?

          1. PhyllisB*

            Sorry. I’m typing on my phone and not used to doing this and somehow hit submit before I intended to. I hesitated on posting this because of new rules but this was really going to be my last post on this subject and I know there are people who were interested. No hard feelings.

  40. Sad-ish*

    Mental health stuff below

    A request and a question. Non-depressed people, please don’t tell your prone-to-depression friends and family “don’t get depressed!” whenever we are or aren’t doing something you think isn’t The Best for our health. It isn’t like I try to become depressed. Make a conscious choice. It’s a constant battle that right now is especially hard! And while you may mean well, it comes off as criticism and blame/shame. Like if I do become depressed (which, duh, I’m already there), now I can’t tell you. Cause you warned me. So now I feel guilty and embarrassed and have lost a source of support cause I got depressed even when you told me not to.

    Any tips on how to respond to this comment without biting someone’s head off? Right now I just say “ok” or “I’m not.” There’s three or four people in my life who have said this in the last couple months. All, of course, with partners and jobs, not living alone and unemployed…

    1. BRR*

      I’d reply back “it’s not a choice.” It’s not a choice in good times and it’s not a choice in stressful times. It’s a pretty poor response on their part and I’d personally feel comfortable telling it’s not helpful and maybe a sentence or two in why it’s not helpful.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      This sounds obnoxious (the “dont get depressed people). I’m sorry you are dealing with that.

      Maybe my patience has thinned considerably over the past 3 months (it has)…but I don’t think it would be an overreaction to “bite their head off”. Now, it probably wouldn’t be effective in terms of changing their minds, because they would be put off. It depends on what your desired outcome is.

      Unpopular opinion, but I’ve learned over the past few years that sometimes it’s enough for me to make people feel bad/shame them for their behavior rather than try to repair it. People don’t always deserve to have their feelings preserved at all costs, especially when they act unempathetically themselves.

      1. tangerineRose*

        One reason I rarely talk about my depression is that people try to “help” in ways that aren’t helpful (but are well meant). Sorry you’re having to deal with this, too.

      2. Star*

        Unpopular opinion, but I’ve learned over the past few years that sometimes it’s enough for me to make people feel bad/shame them for their behavior rather than try to repair it. People don’t always deserve to have their feelings preserved at all costs, especially when they act unempathetically themselves.

        This may be unpopular but it’s absolutely wise.

    3. anonymous for mental health*

      Would you feel comfortable replying, “that comment isn’t helpful”?

      And, depending upon the person, you could follow up with a request of what you would like, such as “it would be better if you could help me by . . . [insert what would help you].

      I have a mental illness and part of it is depression. What helps me is having a list of people I could text/call whenever I was depressed. All the people on the list agreed up front to be on it. I put their names and contact info on an index card and have different people for different situations (personal life, work life—but not a co-worker because I’m very private about my illness). There are multiple people so if one person isn’t available, another one might be. It seems hokey but the index card helps because depressed brain thinks these people don’t care about me but seeing their names and contact info on the card reminds me that they made the choice to be part of my support system.

      Here are two ways I’ve used the list: One person knows to text me if I don’t contact them for a full week to just say “thinking of you.” For another person, I ask them to send me cute/funny photos and videos or tell me a joke/funny story.

    4. No Tribble At All*

      Wow, that’s an incredibly rude and unhelpful comment on their part. I usually get pretty snarky about things like that: “omg, I hadn’t tried not getting depressed!! Thanks!!1!1!!” but I don’t know if that’s harsher than you want to go. I also think you can straight up say “you know, that’s not a helpful comment. It’s a pretty stressful time right now and I’m doing the best I can.”

      FWIW if reaching out to those friends is helpful when you are depressed, go ahead and reach out to them anyway. (I question how helpful they are if they say ‘don’t get depressed’…) I know one thing my Depression Brain says is that we can’t tell anyone, because then we’re bringing them down, and then we’ll be a bad friend, etc etc, but friends are great distractions and help you feel less alone. I hope this helps <3.

    5. Fikly*

      Pick some health problem they’ve had in the past, not a mental health one, and ask if they chose to get that.

    6. Not A Manager*

      It’s perfectly valid to tell them that the remark is not helpful, but another option is to assume their good will and address that. “I know that you worry that I’ll become depressed. I worry about that too. Thank you for being concerned about me.” You could leave that there (I personally think that many people would hear the unspoken rest of the statement), or you could add “Of course depression is a medical condition like any others, and we don’t get to choose it. Otherwise I’d just choose to never be depressed.”

    7. lasslisa*

      I was getting my vitals taken by a nurse and I mentioned some were high because of stress and she told me “oh, don’t let yourself get stressed out!” She said it three or four times and finally I was like, “I’m not aware of it being voluntary??? If I could just flip a switch, I would!” And she agreed. But it was like…. Like her version of “feel better soon” except more victim-blamey. And I can see it must be much worse if someone is saying that about depression!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I had to train my brain to think of it as, “Here is a person who had NO clue what to say. Worse yet, has little to no understanding of this problem.”

        Coming from a professional, I think is even worse in some ways. The professional should know better. In a much tamer example, I was laying on a gurney with a huge hole in my knee. And I was crying. The “doctor” told me that I was a stupid fn baby for crying. Okay here is a dude with NO understanding of what is going on with me. And, peach!, he is going to sew my knee. I had ZERO confidence in his ability as a doctor to sew my knee based on what I had seen of him so far. My fear levels went way up. And I cried harder.

        I mouthed the words FU. My super conservative MIL saw me say the F word. She nudged me with her hand on my shoulder and said, “Say it louder, the doctor did not hear you!”
        This is a woman who would not say any cuss word. I started laughing so hard, she really saved the moment for me.

        Some professionals aren’t very professional. At all.
        MIL was a retired nurse, ha!

    8. Budgie Buddy*

      I’m pretty sarcastic and also have a chronic illness people often think I can avoid if I just really try to, so I’d probably come back with “OMG depression was totally on my to-do list this weekend, right after doing the laundry, but now I’m going to just skip it. Phew dodged that bullet.” XD

    9. Russian Stranger*

      Ugh, that is such an insensitive comment, desire to bite a head off is completely understandable! As a fellow depressed person, I am really sorry that you are dealing with that :-( (My “favourite” addition is “But you are on antidepressants/getting therapy, shouldn’t it work by now?”) UGH.
      My reply is either a sarcastical one (“Are you really thinking that it is a choice and I just decided to be depressed and miserable?”) or an attempt of an explanation (It is like a wave, it comes and goes. And you know, it really helps me if I don’t feel the pressure to be only positive when the wave hits. But it also helpes me to just chat about *shared interests*). So they can ask me how I am really doing, or ask me about favourite new books. But I shut the question down.

    10. sequined histories*

      I’ve been wracking my brain because I’ve suffered from depression basically my whole life, but nobody has ever said this exact thing to me, so my suggestion is entirely hypothetical–I haven’t given it a trial run.

      So here goes: if the person has ever said or done anything you actually did find helpful or encouraging, maybe just redirect them to that: “I know you’re trying to encourage me by saying that. You know what actually did encourage me and give me strength? ‘The time you told me ____________,’ or ‘The time you helped me by ____________’ Things like that really help me!”

      If this is a person who has never said or done anything helpful, supportive, or encouraging, but you want them in your life, I suggest you just move the conversation on: “Yeah, too bad it doesn’t actually work that way! If only it did, right? So how is ___________ going?”

    11. Gruntilda*

      I say things like “I wish it were that easy” or “That’s what I’m trying to do, unfortunately that’s not how depression works.”

  41. Cimorene*

    I am wondering what criteria or considerations other parents are using to consider sending their kids back to daycare? For context, I am in NH and just found out our daycare is opening in a few weeks with most or all of the recommendations as feasible suggested by CDC (limited numbers, outside drop off, teachers masks, no mixing classrooms, etc) and they want to know who wants to come back. My husband is essential (non-healthcare, think government) and goes to work every day so its been me working from home with my toddler which we have been managing ok, albeit with me getting less work done. My work has been extremely flexible and understanding although im not sure what their stance would be if we have the option for childcare again and choose not to take it. We have also talked about looking into a full time nanny which i think we could afford for maybe a year although i recognize that has its own risks for us and nanny. Just wondering if other parents facing this decision and what you are taking into account as you make the decision?

    1. Belle*

      We are also having this debate now that our state is going to allow daycares to open with new restrictions. Some of the questions I am going to ask next week:

      What ratio will you have for kids to teacher? Our state has said a much higher ratio is allowed but don’t know yet what our daycare has decided. We aren’t comfortable with a really high ratio because our child is still young

      What cleaning steps will you be taking?

      How are you covering teacher breaks and lunches? Will one teacher go to all rooms and potentially be exposed to all kids?

      How would you notify parents if anyone in the school tests positive? Are you requiring families report this?

      We have our call next week but these are some of our big questions to make a decision.

    2. DistantAudacity*

      Another question is: how are they organizing the groups?

      I’m not in the US, but in my location, when they opened up kindergardens again, that came with ruled saying the kids and the employees had to be stable groups. So, the same 8? kids in the group always, supervised by the same 2 adults always, to create a little bubble to limit exposure. This is opposed to all the adults moving between all the kids, and all the kids playing with each other.

      They also put in place strict drop-off and pick-up schedules, so that your kid’s group must be dropped off at 0800, and picked up at 1515, not anytime between 15 and 1545. This again to limit mingling and exposure.

      1. Cimorene*

        Yes, these are things they are doing as well. smaller, closed groups, fixed drop of time with 3 sets of drop off schedules (we are being asked to submit preferences), shorter days. To Belle point, i don’t remember if they shared lunch planning but its a good question i can ask.

    3. Cambridge Comma*

      We go back to nursery on Monday. I used a hospital website called “Kids Corona” that collects and summarises all the paediatric COVID-19 research to base my decision on.

    4. Toronto parent*

      Once our daycare reopens (we are in toronto where licensed child care facilities are still required to be closed), our son (almost two) will be returning as soon as possible. His being at home all the time is just killing our marriage and our productivity as we try to balance work, parenting, household stuff and some semblance of alone time. Doesn’t help that we live in a very small apartment with no outdoor space.

      I’m not taking the health risks lightly but so far the research has shown that children fair pretty well overall and none of us have any underlying conditions. We trust our daycare to take appropriate measures. And we have to weigh our own mental health, keeping our jobs and not exploding our marriage. I’ve basically accepted that we will get covid at some point from daycare.

      However, once he goes back we likely will not see any relatives or friends in order to minimize the risks to them.

    5. Overeducated*

      I’m so torn. We have a preschool aged child, and I think socially and academically going back would be SO good for him. I am concerned about COVID risk, of course, but we are learning more about treatment all the time.

      On the other hand, we also have an infant who was supposed to start in March. Risks of all kinds of respiratory illnesses are much scarier and the idea of my baby needing to bond with brand new caregivers in masks who may be advised to avoid as much contact as possible is just so depressing to me. I’d prefer a nanny share.

      But we’re also trying to move this summer. So it’s a lot of moving parts.

    6. Nita*

      IDK. Our daycare has reopened for kids of essential workers. The others will presumably be allowed in again soon. And the kids really need to be back with their friends, and us adults need to be able to work again. But. We still have to balance that against the possibility they’ll bring home corona, and we’ll get sick, and may be laid up flat and unable to care for them, or something even worse. And than there’s that new inflammatory syndrome that’s turned up for some small percentage of kids. I don’t know about this day care, but another one we used to use has also reopened and I know they have Early Intervention therapists coming in (and they go to other day cares as well). So the kids are exposed to not just the staff and whoever the staff is exposed to, but the germs in the other day cares the EI staff visits.

      I guess I’m less scared about being incapacitated by now, because my uncle has had corona – worst case, I could probably beg him to watch the kids if we can’t. And at this point my heart hurts so much for the kids being lonely that I’d risk my life to give them the chance to hang out with their pals. But I wouldn’t risk my husband’s life for that. So I’m leaning toward waiting as long as possible. Also considering finding somewhere to get an antibody test. If it turns out we’ve already gotten sick, no more reason to worry and the kids will go back as soon as they’re allowed.

    7. Hey Anonny Nonny*

      Yeah, this is hard. We have a 1 year old, and the daycare is opening and asking us to choose a date when we will come back. They sent clear information about what new safety procedures/lower class size will be in place, and we have every confidence in them and also want to support the staff. But it’s just the numbers and exposure game. We live in a state that is continuing to open more despite escalating cases/hospitalizations – new records almost everyday. Even though we parents have factors that put us slightly more at risk, the bulk of our concern is contributing to community spread and the small probability our kid is one of the ones who reacts severely. We picked a date at the end of July, not because we really believe it would’ve turned around by then, but due to workload. Both of us are terribly behind, it wouldn’t surprise me if I end up on a PIP or laid off because of this…but it took many, many years for us to finally have a child so their safety is paramount. We are very fortunate that we can work from home at the moment and could survive one of us losing their job. I hate how much pressure my organization has put on its employees to do business as usual and even trying to ramp up this whole time.

  42. yeine*

    looking for insight into getting an adult adhd diagnosis.

    so between the ages of like 8-18 i was on meds (concerta), of which my mom insisted super improved my behavior as a kid, but i don’t recall being improved….tho i have a piss-poor memory of my childhood at all? anyway i went off at 18 becuase i was too lazy to fulfill the rx in college and i was fine in college and have, by any traditional measure, succeeded as an adult. (my mom will not go into detail about this improvement if i ask her.)

    i’ve often wondered if i just …. don’t remember the improvement? like, i’m okay at working and typical adulthood? should i take a shot at it as an adult and see what happens? but maybe i would be better at .. something?

    the real problem is, i don’t really want to dinged by the health insurance co. as “needs ADHD meds” because, Big Health sucks, if i don’t actually *gain* anything from being having it on my file.

    1. Lena Clare*

      It sounds like you’re in the US, so the process might be different.

      Here in the UK you’d go to your GP (private health care provider) and complete the (admittedly stupid) questionnaire in order to be referred to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. So first step might be your doctor.

      But, I’d also ask your mom what needs you were on as a kid and why? That will support your request for a referral I imagine.

      I don’t know how it will affect your insurance, sorry.

      2. Lena Clare*

        Oh boy, my eyesight.
        “private health care provider” should be primary care physician. Sorry!

    2. lazy intellectual*

      Following – I’ve been meaning to start this process for awhile. Unfortunately, OTHER health issues got in the way and took priority in terms of urgency, but I’m planning to research counselors this weekend.

    3. fposte*

      Do you have a primary care physician? I’d ask them about this. And I know they’re not exactly rigorous, but have you tried online ADHD quizzes, and what were the results?

      It’s possible you have ADHD and you’ve already developed strategies that work for you; it’s possible you could benefit from meds; it’s possible you don’t have ADHD and secondary placebo effect played a big role in your mother’s opinion. If you personally don’t feel a need in your own life I wouldn’t work hard to pursue it, but a few gentle inquiries might at least close the question for you.

    4. TL -*

      Is there something in your behavior that is significantly impacting your quality of life? Or keeping you from achieving something you have as a goal?

      If so, worth pursuing a diagnosis and going from there. If not, maybe just figure out what you feel could be better, if anything, and see if you can improve it with the tools you have.

      (Also, one of my friends takes ADD meds and I can see a huge difference in her behavior on/off meds and she can’t really, so your mom may have been right – but you still may not need them anymore.)

    5. Natalie*

      What exactly are you concerned about wrt your insurance? If you’re like 90% of the country and get your insurance through your employer or the government, pre-existing conditions are not a factor and won’t be even in the event the ACA is overturned. Even in the pre-ACA private market I wouldn’t worry too much about a diagnosis that mainly results in getting prescribed a fairly cheap medication.

      I saw a neuropsychologist for adult dx, which was *fascinating*. And even though I was coping well, I’ve found medication very helpful. That decent coping was taking up a lot of energy, and it’s a little easier now.

    6. Nacho*

      I had a pretty similar experience to you, using various ADD and ADHD drugs on and off from elementary school through college. I think it might just be really hard to remember how you behaved as a kid and what your attention span was like. Especially if you had a bad attention span, because that means you weren’t paying attention to things.

      You can go to pretty much any doctor and ask about getting a prescription though, it’s commonly enough diagnosed that most will give it to you without any fuss.

      Be careful about trying them if you’re happy with your current life though. Those side effects are no joke, and even the intended effects (better concentration and attention span) aren’t really that fun. If you’re okay as you are, then I’d stay away from using medication to fix problems you don’t have.

    7. mreasy*

      Not having a lot of strong childhood memories is a symptom itself of ADHD, according to the doc who diagnosed me (as an adult). If you don’t feel like you have mental health issues, there is no reason to seek out this solution, though. Adult ADHD can manifest in a lot of different ways, so if you are struggling with anxiety/depression/mood swings, it could be related (it’s also a common misdiagnosis for other mood disorders).

    8. RagingADHD*

      Hey! I was not dx until adulthood, so I don’t have the same backstory for comparison.

      I firmly believe that being neurodivergent is not a “disorder” in and of itself, and doesn’t need “fixing” just so we can exist “better” in some abstract way defined by neurotypical people. Our existence is not a pathology.

      I sought out dx because I was having ongoing, interrelated problems that I finally twigged as possible ADHD. Getting dx hasn’t solved them entirely but certainly has improved them.

      Here’s the thing – ADHD traits are pretty consistent over our lifespan, but our experience of them, and how they impact our lives, absolutely does change. You don’t grow out of having ADH traits. But some people (not everyone, but certainly some) grow out of the big-D disorder. Others grow INTO having the big D.

      There are people like me who had traits that did not present a problem in childhood because they didn’t interfere with the things I wanted & needed to do. And there are people whose traits cause problems in childhood, but not necessarily so in adulthood because they have more choices and autonomy.

      Like, I didn’t have a problem “behaving” or studying because I hyperfocus. I have a lot of problems with managing my time, possessions, multiple tasks/projects, and doing life-maintenance stuff. None of that was my responsibility as a child, so my traits only became a problem as I assumed adult responsibilities.

      Some folks who had problems sitting still, following directions, being quiet, and otherwise “behaving” are able to find careers & lifestyles where sitting in a desk 7 hours a day without talking to anyone is not part of the requirements. And so maybe their traits are no longer causing a “disorder” in the sense of it interfering with their life.

      I’d encourage you to read “Smart but Scattered” and/or the “Smart but Scattered Guide to Success” and see if you can identify some of your personal trait pattern. And that will give you insight into whether they are significantly impacting one or more major life functions (the def. of a disorder).

      Another approach would be to do the World Health Org’s ADHD symptom self-report scale. That could also help you identify if you are having problems that could be improved but you’ve just gotten used to putting up with.

      Couple of things to watch out for – ADHD brains are more likely to have sleep problems, and there are other common comorbidities like anxiety, depression, and even autoimmune disease. Taking ADHD meds aren’t likely to help you sleep better (more likely the opposite). But if you’re dealing with stuff like anx/depression, the ADHD dx is going to make a big difference in getting those treated effectively, because they play off each other in the brain.

      TL/dr: first figure out if you are having problems that need fixing. The problems are a disorder, your general existence isn’t.

      If it aint’ bothering you, then…it ain’t bothering you.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, about insurance – AFAIK, getting dx & treated for ADHD has no negative impact on health or life insurance. People who need meds live longer and are healthier when they get them, so going untreated is a liability for insurance, and getting treated saves them money.

        But either way doesn’t matter unless you actually need the meds.

    9. Also Amazing*

      Late to the party, but I’m a psychologist-in-training and have done some of the evaluations you’re asking about.

      So, some thoughts immediately spring to mind:
      1. It’s entirely possible that you had ADHD as a child and “grew out” of it. This is a thing that can happen and is why there’s a whole niche field of testing for people who want to be pilots, but have existing diagnoses of ADHD.
      2. Even if you get tested and find out you have ADHD, that doesn’t mean you’d necessarily have to take medication. ADHD symptoms impact people in different ways and with varying levels of severity. There are a variety of strategies that people can use to manage their symptoms that don’t include medication.
      3. To the best of my knowledge, ADHD doesn’t have an impact on insurance in the US the same way depression or bipolar disorders do (e.g., make it harder/impossible to get life insurance).

      But to answer how to get an ADHD diagnosis:
      You can look for a psychologist or mental health clinic in your area who does psychological testing. I’d really recommend getting a neuropsychological assessment done if you’d like more insight into how you may have deficits or strengths in executive functioning. Basically, if you just want to know if you have ADHD or not, a psych assessment is sufficient. PsychologyToday.com can help you find a place and a good site/psychologist will be able to refer you to somewhere if they don’t accept your insurance/aren’t in your network/etc.

      Fun Fact about psychology:
      As a subfield, we’re pretty bad at integrating with the rest of the medical field. So even if you have a file with a clinic/individual, it doesn’t mean that information will be added to your medical file unless you sign a release and request the report be sent on to your primary care doctor (or you hand over a copy of the report yourself). Yes, your insurance would know that testing happened and the diagnosis would be reported to them, but that doesn’t really mean it goes much of anywhere else. Anyone who wanted to look at the report at most places (I’m assuming they aren’t integrated into a medical care facility like a hospital) would need YOU to sign a release of information allowing the clinic/psychologist to even acknowledge they know you exist, let alone release your records.

      I hope this helps and I’ll try to remember to check in on this a few times to answer any further questions/replies peeps may have.

  43. Anonne*

    Looking for thoughts on weighing the risks to family of COVID in attending a protest/vigil in my town. i am not in a super urban area so i anticipate the protest will be less dense than what is seen in bigger cities. I want to go but i know my partner isn’t a fan due to the health risk to our family (partner has health issues although not necessarily the ones identified as high risk and we also have young child). partner didn’t put their foot down or say no but i also know they are not thrilled about the idea. At the same time, i recognize that Black people are at risk every day regardless of COVID and that needs to end and it takes all of us doing our part to stand up for what’s right . If it were just me and my own health I would go in a heartbeat. How are others balancing risk vs doing what you believe is right?

    1. ThatGirl*

      Being outside is less risky than being inside (with a lot of people) and it sounds like you’re at low risk for big crowds or tear gassing. But I’d look at the bigger picture – how much do you *have* to interact with others closely day to day? Can you easily get tested a week or so after the protest, just in case? If you’re otherwise fairly isolated and have widespread testing available, that’s different to me than if you or your partner were needing to work and/or your child is going to daycare, etc.

    2. it happens*

      I’m in NYC. I will not put others at unnecessary risk, which means I can go to outdoor protests that I can walk to so that I will not potentially harm the essential workers who take public transit. I wear a mask. Everyone at the marches/vigils I’ve attended has worn a mask. People are staying farther apart in this protests than the women’s marches, tho not necessarily six feet.

      1. hermit crab*

        I’m using mostly the same criteria (I used a bikeshare to get to a march this morning but have otherwise been staying in walking distance – I’m in the DC area). I will be staffing an election toward the end of the month so I will stop going to any events two weeks before that, just to be safe. But I personally feel ok about the combination of outdoor, masked activity + the importance of the cause.

    3. Annone*

      You bring up a very good point. I am stay at home parent with kiddo, but partner goes to work every day so I also need to weigh that risk for co-workers as well. Testing would probably be fairly easy to get.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m in DC. I would like to be out there, but I have high blood pressure and really bad claustrophobia. I am also trying to make a plan to visit my elderly grandparents in a few weeks. So I am staying home.

      For what it’s worth, I would feel differently if I were in one of the smaller cities or towns that my friends are in. One friend posted video of a distanced, fully masked walk in San Diego, and if I lived there, I would be happy to go.

    5. Miki*

      It doesn’t have to be a totally binary decision. What I mean is that you can go and continue to decide whether/for how long to stay based on what you observe. Stay at the edges of the crowd, see if people around you are social distancing enough or whether you have room to put some distance between yourself and others.

      You might show up and see people really packed together and decide, okay, this is too much of a health risk. Or you might see that there is enough space and everyone is wearing masks.

      Think as well about what you’d like to do if you can’t attend. How else can you help? There are a lot of lists going around the internet with great suggestions.

      1. Anonne*

        +1
        i said something similar to partner when we talked about it, that i was willing to asses the risk upon arrival and do my best to remain 6 feet apart and leave if it became less feasible. And whether i end up going or not i am definitely availing myself of other suggestions (donating, writing my rep, educating myself, etc…not that im suggesting that is enough, just that i am aware of and also taking other actions)

    6. Stephanie*

      My husband and I reluctantly allowed our kids to go to a protest this past week (technically, they’re both adults at 18 and 21, but they live in our house, so we still have a say). We’re in a suburb, but they went to a large march in our nearby big city. They both wore masks the entire time and did their best to stay apart from others. We also had them change clothes and shower as soon as they got home, and put their clothes in the wash. I was worried, to be honest. But they both felt very strongly that they needed to do it. It’s a tough balance. If you’re going to a smaller gathering, I would personally be okay with it, taking precautions, of course (mask, try to distance, shower and wash clothes immediately, etc). It is safer outdoors than in enclosed spaces, too.

    7. Kathenus*

      I’m having the same internal discussion right now. I did not participate on one close to me (suburb of medium sized city) due to the concern but am tempted to try to do so with one in the city tomorrow.

      In addition to the virus risk I’m also a single female without anyone else I know who wants to go with me and getting to and from (either parking and having to get to and from my car or public transportation which has had some safety issues here in the past) the demonstration is a concern as I’m in an area that has had violent protests as well as peaceful ones. A lot to consider.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      First of all, I am so glad for and proud of everyone who has been outside expressing the great need for justice and the full acknowledgement of *everyone’s* humanity.

      That said, joining the group is a reluctant but hard “no” for me because spouse is already living with significant health challenges. Instead I will identify two or three good causes (bail funds? nonprofits working for social change or to safeguard voting rights? food pantries?) to donate to this weekend. I’m also talking with colleagues, browsing online for suggested reading, and pondering other ways to be useful from a distance.

      The calculation might be different calculus if it were “just me” but my spouse is also the other parent of our young adult child. It’s not right to put one at risk of health endangerment and other at risk of bereavement. Also, there’s my obligation to keep our household functioning day after day. It’s weird to realize that, as per the term of an earlier era, I am part of The Establishment. It’s also satisfying to meet my responsibilities.

    9. Anonne*

      Thank you to everyone who weighed in, i appreciate the feedback on what was a tough decision. I ultimately decided to go but my approach was similar to what Mika suggested which is i assessed the situation once i got there. Since i don’t live in an urban area there was quite a bit of space at the back/edge of the area where everyone was congregating where i was actually able to pretty well maintain social distancing (not perfectly mind you but decent). I would say 98% of people were wearing masks and was easy to avoid those who weren’t. It was not an easy decision to make and i can’t say that im not still worried i made the wrong one but there it is. just wanted to provide an update.

      1. it happens*

        Yay- assessed risks while supporting a worthy cause. It’s weird out there now and everyone has to make this calculus on a daily basis.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I am going to a protest tomorrow. It’s local, I’ll walk to it. I do not expect problems, and my local PD has been at least saying all the right things. But it’s become clear to me that the system in total is broken, and I will do what I can to help.

      My calculation: This is important. I judge it is important enough to risk getting sick. That said, I will take precautions. I will wear a mask, and eye protection (sunglasses), and likely a hat. I will not shake hands. I will do my best to maintain social distance. I will take a shower and change clothing when I get back. It is outside, in a big park, and I think there’s a decent chance I can keep my distance from people.

      I live alone, but my mother who is definition of high risk (age, diabetes, hypertension) wants to come visit this week. Not sure if she will. I’ll talk to her after the protest. If social distancing was decent, then I’ll let her decide if she wants to come. If it wasn’t, I’ll ask her to wait. I’m working from home still, and went to the grocery store yesterday, so I can stay home for a while if needed.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Update if anyone is curious. Protest was fine. The police brought a BBQ and handed out hotdogs and hamburgers. They did the community policing thing, normal gear, etc. Good sign.

        Social distancing was fine, most people wore masks, and I was able to keep my distance from people without any issue.

    11. Nita*

      I think the risk is low if you wear a mask. We’re in NYC, in a very crowded neighborhood, and have not been able to avoid other people when being outside or shopping. No one really takes social distancing seriously here. So the only precautions we’ve been able to take are wearing a mask, and washing hands. I think we haven’t caught it. I assume the same thing goes for a protest – you’re around lots of other people, but outside, so hopefully having a mask on is good enough.

    12. Dainty Lady*

      I had exactly this conversation with my husband yesterday. I was all set to go to a local march in our quiet town — walking out the door with my sign and mask — and he said “Wait, you are going to go spend two hours with 300 people?” He’s 68. He knew I wanted to do this all weekend, he just hadn’t bothered to actually think about it until that moment. Sigh.

      So I put the sign down and took the mask off and opened my laptop and set up a monthly donation to the Equal Justice Initiative. And that right there is about the most shining example of my personal reasonably wealthy white privilege I have ever demonstrated.

    13. Courageous cat*

      Donate time or money. Don’t put your family at risk when donations will help. Do a supply run for the protestors. Anything like that

      1. LabTechNoMore*

        On that same vein, there are a lot of other things you can do to support the movement besides attending protesting. Most importantly, stay aware of what is happening, both in your city and around the country. I’m seeing that a lot of the police brutality happening at these protests is not making it into the news. Talk to people who were at the protests, and donate money to bail funds and BLM causes. Find local Black businesses to support. If money is tight, you can also sign petitions and call, email, etc. your congressional representatives, local mayor, board of supervisors, etc. asking them to cut police/military funding, address police brutality, and ask them what they are going to change in light of the racist policing we’ve been seeing. Press for meaningful, significant changes rather than lipservice or superficial concessions. Make it clear that your vote will depend on it. See also: BLM, Ways You Can Help, posted below

  44. Spiraling*

    How are you all dealing with feelings of overwhelm and hopelessness?

    I was able to pretty well maintain my emotions over the last two months being at home, with only a rare bad day here and there. But this last week, I’ve been a wreck. With the protests, the governor reopening my state, and my roommate going back to work with me alone in the house all day, I’ve had more breakdowns this week than the last two months combined. A lot of crying, sitting around, feeling powerless and like the world is coming to an end. And when I do try to distract myself with my crafting or reading, I feel guilty for turning away from the news, even just to catch my breath.

    I’m trying to shift into a better state of mind and dig up my natural optimist self but I’m struggling. How are you coping with these dreadful times?

    1. James*

      I’ve found the best advice is to focus on what you can do. If you focus on problems outside your control you go insane; there’s always too many, they’re too big, and your ability to influence them nil. So focus on the problems you CAN influence. Make a list of tasks you want to accomplish and focus on getting those done. This builds up confidence, as you see successes.

      Second, remember that the news is all about making money. They WANT you glued to the TV, because that sells ad time. That’s not conspiracy-theory nonsense; that’s their business model. You are under no obligation to comply. Pick one, maybe two news sources you trust (I’ve found that local news is usually better than national news, but you may come to a different conclusion), and read that. I recommend reading one Left-leaning source and one Right-leaning source, partially to balance out the biases and partially to really show just how much the news distorts events to keep you coming back.

      Third, remember that self-care is important. You wouldn’t refuse to do routine maintenance on a car, or feel like getting an oil change is a waste of time. Well, you’re more important than a car. Maintenance of sentient beings is different from automotive maintenance, but it’s every bit as important. I read an article early in the pandemic from a nuclear submarine captain about how to deal with being cooped up, and he stressed the importance of guilt-free downtime. He specifically said that you should allow yourself to do whatever (non-harmful) things you need to during this period–read a book, write in a journal, watch trashy TV, go to the gym, stand at a wall and scream at it, doesn’t matter. What matters is that you get downtime and feel recharged from it. So you’ve got experts on your side.

    2. Aisling*

      I have to be on social media for work, so I try to really limit my social media time after work and on weekends. I still check in because I can’t help it, but it’s once an hour at most and I try to go a few hours if I can. I’m watching old tv comedies and cooking/baking shows as comfort tv right now, and I knit while watching. Keeps my brain and hands busy and makes it easier to turn everything else off for awhile.

      I think your mental health has to be the most important right now. Turn off the news and social media even if for an hour, to give you breathing space. Try to extend the time if you can. The news will still be there after that.

    3. Ranon*

      Emily Nagoski wrote a really good piece after the 2016 election called “Despair, and its Cure,” I really recommend it for helping get through the hopelessness to some sort of action.

      If watching the news is causing you to take less action, rather than more, it’s time to turn it off. Information for information’s sake is of no use, if you’re not using it to do something with and especially if it’s causing you to do less, it’s helping no one for you to watch.

      1. lasslisa*

        There is a often-cited rabbinic debate: “which is better, study or action?” that concludes “study, because it leads to action”. Learning about the world helps you to know what needs to be done, and helps you learn how best to do it. Listening to the news gives you information about what’s happening, who needs help, what you could advocate for.

        And then you need to go do your own study, too. We don’t always intuit the ways a thoughtless comment or dumb question can be cruel unless we think about it and listen to others, and if you don’t do research into charities and policies you might end up giving all your money and power to scammers or people who are exploiting and hurting the groups they claim to serve, for example.

        But it’s really easy to get “compassion fatigue”. And, these images are really compelling to our brains in a way that was carried over from living in a much smaller world. If a man were being murdered on the street in front of you, it would absolutely be wrong for you to just turn and walk away. But if you have a live feed in your room that cuts between a video of every person being murdered everywhere in the world, the world is so big and has so many murders that you would never be able to do anything but sit and watch that feed. And you wouldn’t be helping any of those people, either.

    4. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Sorry you’re finding things hard right now. Personally I find I need a good mix of self-care and distraction. I am trying to reduce my compulsive news consumption but it’s hard when so much keeps happening. Hang in there.

    5. LQ*

      It has been a huge struggle for me. I focus on the things that I can DO. I can DO something to help people and that is the thing I try to focus on. And that includes sometimes, watching the news isn’t DOing that thing. It’s not an action that I’m taking to make things better. It’s not moving me toward the actions I can take to make things better.

      I also think that you should recognize that it’s ok to be in a shitty state of mind right now. (And weirdly just sort of that acknowledgment helped me a bit move to a better one.)

    6. Ali*

      I also have been struggling over the past few months, with ups and downs, and dealing with depression for the first time. I have been going to protests, and donating, and am involved with the SURJ group in my city, but I think my suggestions are less philosophical than those above. I have discovered that I really have to do the following concrete things or I get depressed: 1.) Have to get up at the same time every day (approximately – I have to set an alarm, anyways.) 2.) Have to get exercise every day. 3.) Go for a walk outside every day. 4.) Eat at regular times every day. 5.) Get a little social connection in every day (I live alone). 6.) Confine social media use – don’t know what works for you, but Twitter and FB before bed is not great for me, or first thing in the morning. 7.) Sing! Or dance. I started practicing singing every day, and despite being a music teacher I’m still shocked how important it is.

      Good luck! I agree with the commenter above suggesting Emily Nagoski’s work. She and her sister have a podcast about dealing with exactly what you’re feeling called the Feminist Survival Project 2020. I heartily recommend it, and you can definitely skip around among the episodes.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I hope I can encourage you to cry when you need to. Crying causes a chemical reaction in the brain that helps to keep the brain healthy.

      You might benefit from learning a little about grief and how we use grief. It’s not just for funerals, it’s for many types of losses. We are in a season now, where we are experiencing many types of losses. So learning about grief, the symptoms of grief, the causes of grief and how grief manifests in people. Knowledge is power. For example if I know I am grieving something and I know that a symptom of grief can be sleeping too much or too little, I can work on my sleep schedule and tweak it to suit my needs for a period of time. These are the little things we can do to fortify ourselves. No one thing is a magic button, but numerous small endeavors can be surprisingly helpful.

      Taking back our power when we feel powerless. A good jump start can be by helping ourselves and/or helping someone else. It’s good to keep our goals small and doable- no moving Mt. Everest type goals. Pick a small thing that is absolutely doable for you right now. Very gently and sweetly talk yourself into doing it and guide yourself through the steps. Once you are done, take the time to note your satisfaction with getting this small thing completed. Pat yourself on the back.

      Guilt about news. My wise friend used to say it’s unethical to turn ourselves into something that others have to take care of. IF you find the news debilitating right now, like I do, then you have to dial back on how much you are taking in. I can either stay up to the moment on the news or I can function and help others. I cannot do both. I have to pick one. I chose to help myself and others around me first and foremost. I found what is left for me is the tears. I don’t feel huge amounts of guilt for not seeing the absolute latest news. I do feel tremendous sorrow for those impacted around me and those I see in the news.

      Turn the news off. And with baby steps start planning what you would like to do here.

    8. anon attorney*

      I hear you. I live alone and over the last week I have felt my cope running out, and I regard myself as a resilient optimist. Things I have been doing or thinking:-

      – acknowledging my feelings. Yes, this is awful. Yes, I have not touched another human being since March and it feels like I may never do so again. Yes, it is difficult to cope with this while grieving (my partner passed away a few years ago). I am grateful to be healthy and alive but I don’t need to pretend nothing’s wrong either. Sometimes you just have to sit with it all. Crying is allowed.

      – being careful about how I consume media and information. I want to stay informed but for me there’s a crucial distinction between information and commentary. I want information but reading a lot of commentary about how my country’s government has got it staggeringly wrong (which it has and boy are we all saying so at length) will not change the reality and just stresses me out, so I try not to wallow in it.

      – trying to distinguish between what I can and cannot change. I can’t dismantle the military-industrial complex single-handedly. I can donate to appropriate causes. I can support local businesses. I can help out the local chapter of my political party. I can support charities who are helping those with less privileged lives.

      – for me, keeping the physical space I live in fairly uncluttered and clean helps me have mental harmony. Not gonna lie, this doesn’t always happen, but I do feel better when I tackle the chaos.

      – don’t try to keep up a brave face with your friends and family. Chances are if you say you’re struggling so is everyone else and an honest conversation about that can really feel like sharing genuine feeling and intimacy.

      – now is not the time to deny yourself treats, I think. There is a balance to be struck here as overindulgence, especially with food and drink, makes me feel out of control as well.

      You say you’re feeling guilty if you take your mind off it for a moment. I can understand that but I subscribe to the ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ theory i.e. if you wear yourself out emotionally you won’t even be able to help anyone anyway so it’s fine, it’s better than fine it is essential, to take the time to take care of yourself too because that will ultimately make you a better (more energised, more creative, more available) ally.

  45. Strawberry Fields*

    How do you agree to disagree? I have a friend that will say things like, “Maybe” or “Kinda” when I suggest things or state my opinion. My mom does this too so maybe that’s why it’s triggering something inside me, but it’s annoying. We don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s annoying because it seems like she’s saying I’m wrong or something. I don’t know. How do you deal with something like this? How do you just leg things go and move on?

    1. fposte*

      What if it were okay if they thought you were wrong? I think my friends are wrong about some stuff; they think I’m wrong about some stuff. I was raised in a family where being right was Very Important, so it was very freeing to realize that a friend could think something objectively incorrect and it wouldn’t matter.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I actually sort of like that response. Not every situation where people have a difference of opinion needs to be hashed out. Sometimes just acknowledging what the other person said, and signaling that you don’t share their perspective, seems like a good way to honor everyone’s beliefs.

      1. So hello from Minneapolis*

        That’s something to think about…
        I see your point (out loud, I don’t agree, not out loud)
        I hope you are right ( this Covid thing is just a flu)

    3. NapkinThief*

      I understand why “maybe” and “kinda” can be grating – it’s like calling a fact into question, so instead of acknowledging that you may just have a difference in perspective, they imply that there is One Right Answer that you may have gotten Wrong, but they, the magnanimous jury, are still deliberating.

      I’ve stolen my husband’s catch-all value-neutral response to information/opinions/statements: “Gotcha.”
      It really comes in handy!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I see two separate questions here.

      You: “So do you want to go out on our bicycles tonight?”
      Them: “Kinda. Maybe.”

      Here you have no clue if you will or will not go bicycle riding tonight. It’s hard to make definitive plans with these types of answers. You could say, “Well let me know what you decide, because I am really interested in going.”

      But then there’s other times where it’s a reaction to an opinion:

      You: “I don’t feel safe going to Big Box Store right now.”
      Them: “Maybe. Kinda.”

      Personally, I would let this one drop right there. However, it could be because of other things you want to pursue it. “I don’t feel safe going to a Big Box Store right now, so I won’t be going with you. I am going to stay home.”
      If you know what is right for you, then others really can’t take that away from you because you have already decided. Try to consider that they too think you have judged THEM as being wrong. This one is actually a two way street. If it’s the truth you could say something like, “I think that staying home is the best idea for me. But others can chose something else.” You can show that you are not judging them.

      That said. Some people are just routinely vague about many things. They fail to make decisions, stuff gets backlogged, people get left hanging waiting for an answer. It pays to know the person on the receiving end. I have had several family members who cannot make a decision even if you offered them a million dollars. It’s so annoying. But this is who they are. If I want decision making conversations I have to look else where. Because they are not strong decision makers their opinions are probably not strongly formed either, so it just makes sense that they show hesitation about agreeing with anything I’d say.

      FWIW, I have read a few mother-daughter books. I found something that applies to children of any gender. If we have a parent who is indecisive/non-committal we can become strongly decisive and commit to things just out of sheer necessity. Someone has to make decisions and make commitments, by default the kid has to do this because the parent won’t/can’t. It could be you are filling in her voids and this has been going on for a while.

    5. RagingADHD*

      It sounds to me like they are both trying to gently hold their own opinion without directly stating they think you are wrong.

      Which would indicate to me that they don’t agree with you and also do not want to argue about it.

      So, why is that difficult for you to accept? Are these differences based on moral issues, where it would be difficult for you to respect them if they did not share your values?

      Or do you feel they are being dismissive?

      It generally sounds to me like they are trying to drop the subject, so it really depends on whether it’s a pattern of them being uninterested in your opinions and thereby leaving you with nothing to talk about, or whether you are more comfortable debating and they are conflict-averse.

  46. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I have a question about selling homes and I know this group is great with practical advice. I don’t know anyone in my circle who’s sold a house in my general area that I can ask. We’re not in the process yet but still gathering information and have a few months to take action.

    I posted a few weeks ago that my husband and I decided to move. We narrowed down a few areas and have a general timeline.

    We’re planning to sell our home. A work contact got me in touch with a realtor who came by this week and I also reached out in one of my FB groups.

    For the group, I got a few hits. In the message I tell them the details, that repairs are needed, what the asking price is, and they’re welcome to come view the property. They all ask for the address before committing to a time — I’m sure there’s a legit reason for asking, but I feel a little uncomfortable providing my address.

    The realtor came by and gave us two options, sell it to a cash investor (let’s say 500k) and end up with 50 in our pocket after the mortgage & fees etc OR we can put it on the market and fetch 650/65.

    The recap email he sent had the same two options but the amounts were far lower, by $100k each. We’re definitely going with the investment option, BUT I’m just a little bit perplexed at the price difference when speaking verbally vs through email. We still have about 3 months until we actually take any action, so I’m looking for other realtors/real estate agents (not sure of the difference between the two) to work with. But does that sound unusual that they quote a higher price verbally after seeing the property and a lower price in writing?

    1. BRR*

      I don’t know if it’s usual or unusual but I would definitely reply about the difference and ask for clarification.

    2. Me*

      I’d follow up and ask the realtor why the difference. Could be that they went back to the office and pulled a bunch of different comparables from the area and had to revise the estimated selling price downwards. You should ask.

      A good thing to keep in mind is that your property is worth whatever someone is willing to pay for it on the day you put it up for sale. Everything else is just an educated guess.

      I do suggest staging your home- either diy or hire a professional company to do it. You have tons of time to diy and you don’t expect to make a bunch off the sale so i would lean that way if it were me. Stupid things like white towels in the bathroom actually work.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        The only difference was that he asked for the mortgage statement so we provided it to him. I asked him bout the difference and he apologized for hte miscommunication?

        He did explain if we go on market, we’d have to stage it and schedule viewings etc and it could take months. We have a specific timeline, so we’re going with the investor option who can buy it as-is. As long as we cover our mortgage and have some left over, we’ll be OK with it. We dont’ want to spend another dime on this house. We’ve already spent so much money on it over the years and it’s still in such crappy shape that it feels like a waste.

        I know it’s not the ideal thing to do. Maybe in another lifetime, we’ll be able to do things the right way, buy a property and sell it years later for a profit but not at this point in time.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Sorry, it’s just been a very emotional experience altogether with this house. I wish we had the time, energy And money to do things the right way but we both have such negative feelings about it that we just want to cut our losses and be freed from this burden.

          1. Disco Janet*

            I worry that you’ll regret that choice later – there’s a pretty sizable difference between selling it to an investor as is versus going through the typical sale process. Can you really afford to give up 100k to be free from this burden a bit sooner? Especially with a baby coming and a move on the horizon? Don’t make a rushed decision because of emotions when it could cause long-term harm to your finances.

            1. Potatoes gonna potate*

              We’ve thought long and hard about it. This house doesn’t have many happy memories for me and my husband regrets moving here. At one point my brother had taken ownership of the house, and he grew so frustrated and up and left it. It nearly went into foreclosure until my parents came back and got it and convinced us to take it over. At the time, it sounded like a great idea, build our equity and have a place of our own. As long as we get something out of it, we’re good.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Part of making a choice is deciding that if/when regrets pop up in the future we can chose to remember we handled it as best we could at that time.

              I don’t think worrying about future regrets (which are not in existence yet) is a substantial enough reason to stay in a bad situation.

              OP, I think you would be aware of taking advantage of a capital loss here on your taxes. You are probably aware of other things you can do to salvage some of this.

              1. Potatoes gonna potate*

                Part of making a choice is deciding that if/when regrets pop up in the future we can chose to remember we handled it as best we could at that time.

                I like that you said that, and I agree. I spent the better part of my 20s regretting every life decision I’d made. A little dramatic but its the truth — I choose not to regret my decisions anymore.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  I hope you chuckle. I come from a family whose frequent saying was, “What if you regret X later?” omg.

                  Regret is not fatal. I won’t die from it. I’d point out that their own regrets had yet to polish them off. We are supposed to feel regret, sorrow, remorse and a bunch of other emotions that are Not Fun. It’s part of being human. We move on a bit older and a bit wiser, that’s all.

          2. Stephanie*

            I totally get it. We sold our albatross of a house last year. We had been there for 16 years, we were the second owners and it needed a lot of work. We bought at the top of the market, and it was a financial stretch for us, too. We counted on being able to get equity out to fix it up, but we just were never able to get it to appraise high enough to get what we needed. (It didn’t help that the market just fell apart a few years after we bought it.) We finally tried to refinance again last June, and the appraisal came back lower than we wanted, but high enough that I just said “Let’s get out of here.” And we did. We’re in a house that we love, it’s smaller, and more manageable, and it didn’t need much work to make it ours.
            The old house felt like a burden. It needed so much to make it what we wanted it to be, and we just couldn’t do it, financially. The people who bought it had the money to put into it to make it better.
            It was not a great house for us, but it is a great house for them. Do what you need to do. I feel nothing but relief now. No regrets.

              1. Stephanie*

                And I just reread your original question, and I have to address the realtor thing. I think it’s a red flag that the email estimates were so much lower. I would definitely interview other realtors before you sign a contract with anyone.
                My story is a bit messy, because my parents are realtors. We worked with them on all three previous house purchases (we are now in our fourth house-it’s kind of shocking to me to realize that!), but we did not use them this time, for several reasons, mostly related to the albatross of a house we were stuck with for 16 years. We used a realtor who specializes in the neighborhood of our old house, and he was fantastic. Our decision did not go over well with my parents, but I don’t regret it, at all, even considering the fact that my parents always gave us back their commission toward our house purchases, and we paid commission to the realtor we used. It’s a lot of money, but I feel like it was money well spent.
                Selling on your own as opposed to using an agent is a lot of work, and people are very emotional about houses. It can be nice to have a professional as a buffer if there is any weirdness with the eventual buyer.
                Best of luck to you!

            2. Artemesia*

              We sold last year when we lost our view and we sold in winter with little traffic and took a loss — we had had it for 7 years. BUT we moved to a place with a fabulous view of Lake Michigan and are so grateful that we moved then as the market fell even lower in units in our old building (we ‘lost’ money but we still sold for a lot more than homes there sold when things opened up for spring sales — so we were lucky)

              Now that we are locked down, we are locked down with a fabulous view in a more comfortable place with private space for each of us which in a 24/7 situation is nice.

              When it is time to move it is time to move and a house is alas worth what it is worth – no guarantees you will gain value or not lose value. Waiting in our case would have been disastrous all around — we would be trapped together in one room with an ugly building in front of our lake view in a pandemic. We were a bit scared to take the risk (owned two places for about 6 mos) but so glad we did.

              Good luck.

        2. Jack Russell Terrier*

          My Realtor (I’ve know him for ~ 17 years) will get one of the contractors he works with to give an estimate on repairs and will project manage them. This is really great as it all just got done on my mum’s condo as if by magic. It was well worth it. It’s good for him, because he knows the contractors and he doesn’t get surprises. Is that at all an option for you?

    3. legalchef*

      It could be that once they ran the numbers they came out lower. But ultimately you just need to ask.

      Also, if you are uncomfortable giving your address then there isn’t much point in using FB to sell. I don’t think it’s at all unusual for someone to want to know the address before making an appt to view a home to purchase. I’d want to know if it’s doable in terms of commute, or if it’s on a main road, etc.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I figured there was a reason for it just wanted a quick gut-check.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      Maybe just give the approximate address, like the #### block of X street, rather than the exact address. (Though, if you’ve posted it even once, it’s no secret now.)

      Neighborhood matters. Tax rates matter. Proximity to schools and transit matter. You don’t need the exact address for those.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I agree those things matter, I try to give them the neighborhood, section and everything but they still insist on an address. I didn’t post it publicly, I just put the ad up and closed the comments and asked people to message me privately.

    5. Morning reader*

      When I was selling, the standard advice in the books I checked was to show your home to 3 realtors, interview, ask for advice about what you should do t9 prepare for sale, have them run comps. The end result being the price they suggest you list at, then you hire one of them.

      I’m not sure what you’re referring to checking on Facebook. If you’re planning a sale by owner, I don’t know much about how that works. When you list with a realtor, they’ll put your place up on the mls, and realtor and Zillow etc, and anyone can see you house and pictures of it, but your name wouldn’t be associated with it.

      As for the price differences, the first verbal one would had to have been a ballpark estimate, unless they were running some calculations while you talked.

    6. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      Surely they just want to plan their transport there before they commit to an arrival time?

    7. Not So NewReader*

      This sounds oh-so-familiar to me.

      So I wanted to sell my father’s house. The realtor said $x.

      When he finally advertised it, the price was 20k less!

      The buyer paid 20k less than that. So there was a 40k difference.

      I don’t know why this happens but it’s annoying. Yeah, I felt cheated but it is possible that I did not understand his process. Of what I know, I had to lose some money to hasten the sale. I told the realtor the property had to go and go SOON. This reduced the likelihood of me getting a “good” price. The buyer paid cash, so I had to give consideration (meaning lower price) in exchange for a quicker cash deal. So the price went down again.

      In your setting here, you are looking at a 15k difference. Not a huge amount, but it’s a nice chunk of change to have. It sounds like it boils down to how quickly do you want to unload this thing.
      My husband said to me that I would lose $20k in stress and worry by holding out for a better price. He meant health issues as well as maintenance costs. I knew he nailed the right answer for me and I took the x-40k offer.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        NSNR you hit the nail on the head.

        I’m worried that the market will get even worse.

        1. Dancing Otter*

          Plus, the longer you hold it, the more property tax accrues – it’s prorated in the closing calculations. If you close in June, you have to pay half a year’s taxes while if you close in August it’s two-thirds. The house I’m currently trying to sell (executor of estate) runs around $6K per year, so every month it sits costs about $500 in taxes. Add in the utilities and insurance and lawn maintenance (assuming nothing breaks down disastrously), and a quick cash sale saves significant cash for the estate.

    8. Annie Moose*

      I think it’s pretty reasonable to want to know what house you’re coming to look at before you come to look at it! I just bought a house this spring, and knowing the location, being able to check out the house/neighborhood on Google Street View, researching what the area was like, knowing how far it was from my work/church/stores, etc. were all absolutely essential parts of my decision-making process. I would not have wanted to commit to coming to view a house before I knew where it was! Traveling to see a house (especially in the middle of a pandemic) is a big investment of time, and if I were to commit to it and then find out the house was in a place I didn’t want to live… well… it’d be a waste of all of our time when I could’ve made that decision up front.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        palm against my forehead. You’re right, I completely didn’t think of that. Glad I asked.

  47. HannahS*

    What’s a good resource for learning about buying a house? Think of starting from a For Dummies level. I’m very much not in a position of trying to buy one, but I’d like to be armed with knowledge when the opportunity arises. My previous strategy of “move to Big City, go to one bajillion open houses to learn stuff” is a no-go, obviously.

    1. fposte*

      There is literally a Home Buying for Dummies book, so you could definitely start there.

      Home buying is also very regional/local/time-sensitive, ranging from laws (my state has different laws about agent representation for buyers, and IIRC you’re not even in the U.S.) to practice (my area is so lax title searches weren’t required) to market (when I purchased my house, I had to make an offer the first time I saw the house, and I was reading books that talked about what you look for on the fifth showing).

      What you learn from open houses is mostly what’s around at a given moment for a price point, and Zillow can give you a fairly similar idea, so I don’t think you’re missing much here. And for some of us the point of the research is really to get used to the idea in our heads well in advance of dropping a big pile of money.

      1. HannahS*

        Ohh that’s good to know, thanks. You’re right, I’m in Canada, so some of the stuff is different. As you might expect, a lot of the English-speaking internet is American, and that holds true for the financial sphere as well–I’ve been reading Personal Finance for Canadians for Dummies and it’s so helpful to now be able to “translate” what I’m reading online. I suppose I’m lucky to be in a popular area, so maybe there are local resources around online.

    2. Anon for this*

      Search for “ first time homebuyer resources.” Include your city for local resources.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      Nerdwallet (website) has some good resources for definitions of things, which we found helpful.

    5. BoughtAHome!*

      Dave Ramsey has a site, and it even has a tool for you to find high-quality realtors. It’s what my husband and I used when we bought our house very recently. You put in the area you are looking in and the website gives you the contact info for 3 realtors (usually anyways; we only had 2 options because we are living in a rural area). The website also had a list of questions to ask when deciding on a realtor and a lot of other helpful advice for buying a house.

      I strongly recommend having a list of must-haves and deal-breakers ready to go. They don’t have to be long lists but you should know what you are looking for before you start talking to a realtor. It will make things easier on everyone.

      1. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

        I have not used the realtor-finding feature, but Dave Ramsey is an excellent resource for advice on preparing to buy a house. The big mistake a lot of buyers make is not really knowing what they can realistically afford, and letting the bank or realtor convince them to borrow the maximum amount for 30 years according to a standard formula.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Knowing what you can realistically afford- oh my yes.

          Computers weren’t that much of a thing in my time. I used a real estate calculator that I found at Staples or some where. But now they have these calculators online, OP.

          Plug in the amount per month you want to pay. I used my rent at that time as a basis for guessing.
          Plug in the interest rate. Go a little high, better to err on the side of caution.
          Then they ask the length of the mortgage, this is number of years times 12 months in a year. Typically 30 times 12.
          Select solve for loan amount.

          My loan amount was 1/3 LESS than what the financial people had approved us for. TG I did this and did not listen to them. This saved us so. many. problems. later on.

    6. Sciencer*

      We learned a lot from our realtor once we actually started house-hunting. We knew very little before that, but on recommendation from friends, we found a very experienced local realtor who took us under her wing and was honest, patient, and kind throughout the whole experience. We run into her in the grocery store and around town sometimes and she remembers our names and where we work and wants to know how we’re liking the house. It’s… awesome. So just something to consider when you get to that point, that the realtor relationship can be a positive and supportive one!

    7. Anono-me*

      In the USA many credit unions have classes on home buying. (If you’re not a CU member, it might be worth looking into joining a CU; as many
      US CUs have really good mortgage options for their members and I would expect it to be similar in Canada. )

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My library actually had a class you could attend! A local realtor and mortgage broker talked about the process, from start to finish. That was really helpful, because it was geared for assuming you knew nothing.

  48. Sunflower*

    What are some relaxing/decompressing activities that don’t strain your eyes? My decompressing activities are usually coloring or reading but after a day of staring at the computer, it’s just too much on my eyes. I’m wondering partially if my adult coloring books are just too detail oriented? I actually am OK with watching TV but it only keeps me interested for so long. If you know of anything to help combat the strain from the computer, please shout as well!

    1. CatCat*

      I like listening to audiobooks or music while in a bath or while laying on the couch looking out the window.

      1. Lemon Meringue Pie*

        Yes! Audiobooks, radio shows, podcasts. Put on a relaxing face or eye mask (I like space masks which are jasmine scented) and just lie back and listen.

      2. tangerineRose*

        If libraries are open (or when they do), you can check out audio books, which is nice.

        1. James*

          If you have a library card there are apps you can get for your tablet or phone that allow you to check out audiobooks from a wide range of libraries remotely. Libraries have networks, so your library card may get you access to a lot more resources than you realize. I forget the name of mine (I haven’t used it in a while), but there are a number of free ones.

          The BBC has also put a number of radio dramas online for free. I’ve been listening to the Jack Aubrey series, which is well-cast, well-written, and FAR superior to the movie “Master and Commander” (not that it’s a bad movie, just that these are amazing). I’ve not branched out too far, but there’s a good variety.

          The Internet Archive is the other source I have for audiobooks. A lot of libraries have material on that website, and Librivox.org (what got me into audiobooks) and other public-domain book distributors have sites there. Copyright may vary by country, though, and I’m not up on international copyright law. There’s also the danger of wiki-walking for several hours on this website, which may or may not be relaxing, depending on your views on such things.

          1. Jack Russell Terrier*

            Yes – my library, like many, uses overdrive to check out audio and ebooks. Maybe your library uses such a service?

    2. Jackalope*

      I recently got glasses with Eyezen technology to block the blue light from screens and it has made a HUGE difference in how tired my eyes are and how likely I am to have a headache by the end of the day. If this is relevant to your life, consider it.

      3. Thankful for AAM*

        Jackalope or anyone using these glasses:
        My coworker discovered that the glasses plus face shield provided by work equals wavy lines she cannot see past.

        Has anyone else had this problem? Could it just be the face shields we have?

        1. Jackalope*

          I don’t know. We are still in the full-time WFH category so haven’t used them with face shields.

    4. WellRed*

      Low light (like a bedside lamp), glass of wine (or tea or whatever you prefer) and some music.

    5. Fikly*

      Podcasts. I listen to a huge amount of different ones. If you’d like my ecclectic list, always happy to share.

    6. lazy intellectual*

      Listening to music, stretching/yoga, taking a walk, listening to audiobooks. Sometimes I call up a friend.

    7. Fellow Traveler*

      There is a podcast called 20 minute Yoga that I like- I can listen to the practice as I do it, rather than watching the video so I find it more relaxing.
      Also- what about abstract watercolor painting? I find it soothing just swishing the colors and water around. And it doesn’t have to be too detailed.

    8. tangerineRose*

      I found that computer screens are less of an eyestrain if I’m looking at a black background instead of a white background. There’s a Magnifier program that I think is standard that has an option to invert the colors. It makes things much more comfortable.

    9. Kathenus*

      Nature sounds can be a great relaxer. This can be some audio source like You Tube, CD’s (yes I’m old and still use these), streaming, etc. Or just sitting outside and closing your eyes and listening, obviously the latter depends on where you are. For me sometimes just like 10 minutes listening to the sounds of bird calls or a stream (audio options) or the wind in the trees in my neighborhood can be very good ways to decompress.

    10. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      I’m a big fan of knitting something simple (but more complicated than straight garter stitch). Once you practice a bit you don’t have to look at your hands and that frees you to watch TV, listen to music, or just look out the window as attention levels and eye-strain require. It’s a great way to unwind when you’re not quite tired enough to sit and do nothing but can’t stand to look at a screen right in front of your face for one second longer.
      PSA You’ll need to train yourself NOT to sit hunched over while knitting or you’ll just feel worse.

  49. Courageous cat*

    Did I have a nesting fail somewhere? I can’t see it but I did post a comment earlier and don’t see it now.

    Fav blogs for dinner recipes? Anything that’s not Budget Bytes or Smitten Kitchen please. Thanks!

    1. Mimosa Jones*

      Cool mom eats has a free weekly menu with five meals and a dessert. This week’s menu is curated from black food bloggers.

    2. WellRed*

      I hate the writing on most food blogs (get to the point, already!), but really like the recipes on Gimme Some Oven.

      1. CoffeeforLife*

        I ALWAYS look for the “jump to the recipe link” and am miffed if there isn’t one. I’m not interested in your family history with onions or the day you discovered kale.

    3. BRR*

      I like simply recipes with the caveat it was sold a few years back and don’t love the recipes from the newer writers as much. Anything by Elise, the original blog owner, is fantastic though.

    4. lasslisa*

      I really like Serious Eats, though I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for. They have a lot of good recipes and a lot of good skeletons of recipes that you can modify to use whatever ingredients you have on hand.

    5. Sciencer*

      I’ve been happy with the handful of things we’ve tried from Damn Delicious. We gravitate to the instant pot recipes for weeknight dinners but she has a “quick & easy” section too.

    7. CoffeeforLife*

      I like Nomnompaleo. Although they are paleo recipes, most lean towards east Asian and the flavors are really great. Some of my go-to recipes are there (and a few vegetarian options too) like kalua pork (making tonight), crackling chicken, green chicken, Italian chicken stew. She has quite a few instant pot recipes which is nice.

    8. pancakes*

      It’s not strictly a blog (though I’m pretty sure it has one on part of the site) but I like Leite’s Culinaria a lot.

    10. Emma*

      My go to is Minimalist Baker. I find her recipes are consistently quick and satisfying.

    11. Fellow Traveler*

      I like Woks of Life- mostly Chinese, Asian cuisine broken down.
      Dinner:A Love Story, though these days it’s more dinner (and life) inspiration rather than straight up recipes.
      Stonesoup- simple food. Most things are five ingredients or less and she often gives variations for how to make things vegetarian, vegan, etc.

    12. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Cafe Sucre Farine has some really excellent recipes that have always worked for me, including salads and lighter summer fare for BBQs. Her salted caramel banana bundt cake is the stuff of legend in my office :)

      I also like Cookie and Kate for healthy recipes – its more veg/vegan focused, but she has all sorts of extra notes at the end for substitutions and changes to adapt to different diets. I value that sort of input WAY more than ongoing family stories.

      Three Peas and their Pod is pretty good for casseroles, but they do waffle on for ages before getting to the point. Lots of good kid-friendly food if you are looking for that.

      Last night I found Mexican Food Journal and made his sopa de fideos, which REALLY hit the Mexican food spot. All of his recipes look authentic but aren’t overwrought, so easy to get on the table as a weekend project, especially as I am nowhere near decent mexican food.

      Can second Pinch of Yum – she has some great ideas for freezer to crock pot/insta pot meals. If I only had a normal sized freezer! I also use Gimme Some Oven and Minimalist Baker, but Brown Eyed Baker has some excellent baking recipes and tips.

    13. Lily*

      I think you made it as a reply to one of the other threads.

      I am fond of the app Kitchen Stories.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Jeez, I don’t know what’s going on because I never had nesting fails until the past three or so weeks

        Thanks everyone for the suggestions!

    14. Nervous Nellie*

      Nagi’s recipes at Recipe Tin Eats are tremendous, and her site has a cheery feel that really helps. And periodically she posts pics of her dog, who is quite a character. But yeah, great recipes!

  50. Broken Little Piggy*

    Has anyone ever broken a pinkie toe before? I slammed my pinkie toe against the washing machine a couple weeks ago. It was incredibly painful for a few days and bruised all sorts of different colors but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Weeks later, it still hurts. Not a sharp pain, not preventing me from walking or curling my toes but still aching a lot, especially if I go for a long walk.

    I always heard there’s not much a hospital can do for a broken pinkie toe other than wrap it up. Even if I thought I’d broke it right when I slammed it, I would not have gone to the hospital for it because of the pandemic. So I don’t see a point in going now but it still hurts. For those who have broken toes before, what can you do with them?

    1. fposte*

      You can buddy tape it to the next toe–google for instructions, but it’s basically using a bit of padding to cushion it and using the next toe to splint it. Might be a little trickier with a little toe but you can probably still add some stabilization that way.

      1. BLT*

        I was going to say the same thing. I have also broken my pinky toe when I slammed it full force into the corner of my couch. Nasty, purple bruising. I went to the Dr. just to confirm and I walked out of there with it buddy taped. She also gave me crutches, but I didn’t use them very long.

        1. Nita*

          Me too! I was a very clumsy teenager and kept slamming my pinky toe into walls. Pretty sure I broke it once – didn’t go to the doctor, because it’s not like they’d do a lot about it… I had it taped to the next toe for a while to give it a rest, until it went back to a normal toe color and stopped aching.

    2. James*

      Been there. Broke my foot, and had to work the next day. I wasn’t in a position to take time off, so I suffered through it. Eventually the pain goes away (it takes a while). That foot is now slightly abnormally shaped, thanks to the bone not setting perfectly. I got a rather grim chuckle out of it; I was reading up on paleopathology at the time, and badly-set broken bones are one of the more obvious sorts of injuries that show up in the achaeological/fossil record. It was amusing to be able to say “So THIS is what that guy was going through”.

      I don’t really have any good advice, except the obvious: stay off it as much as you can, try not to wear shoes (they can constrict), and if it gets worse or changes in any way other than “getting better” see a doctor. It’ll heal eventually, and in a year or two it’ll be like it never happened except for aches when it rains.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      Been there, done that. I think I’m at four broken toes, lifetime, and it sounds like a broken toe to me. You can wrap your toe with the one next to it (I like to wrap some gauze in there as well to prevent rubbing), and sometimes you can find toe splints at the drugstore. Stay off it as much as possible and ice it after walking, while raising it. Wear comfortable shoes with plenty of room in the toe box, or sandals in nice weather that allow your toes some freedom of movement. Unfortunately, injuries like these tend to take forever to heal because it’s not painful enough to keep you off your feet entirely, so you just have to go along with the pain for a while.

    4. Stephanie*

      I have broken the same pinky toe 4 times. (No, that’s not a typo. 4 times.) The first time was a bad break, and it just healed weird, so it’s about twice as big as my other pinky toe, so it catches on things more. Buddy taping your toe helps, a lot. wearing supportive shoes that protect it without compressing it too much helps, too. A stiffer sole might help with the long walks. Other than that, it just takes time, which is not helpful, I know, but it’s true. It should get better in the next couple of weeks, unless it was a really bad break. My first one was awful. Our 90 pound dog stepped on my toe just as I was taking a step (I was barefoot), and my toe snapped, the bone was broken clean through. I didn’t go to the hospital, but I probably should have, because it took months for it to feel better. All of the other times, I just stubbed my toe on something, and it was a crack, rather than a complete break. Those all took maybe a month or so to heal.

    5. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Buddy tape, elevate when possible, use cold pack. Mine took like 6 weeks to fully heal. but it really is more like a sprain.

    6. Sled dog mama*

      I had toe surgery (yeah I know) on both pinkie toes about 15 years ago (actually it was 3rd, 4th and 5th on both feet but the rest had pins in them). You don’t realize how much work that little tiny thing does until both are broken. I must echo everything that’s been said, rest it as much as you can, elevate and ice when possible (can help with pain relief and swelling from use), ibuprofen is a good choice if you decide to take an OTC pain killer because it reduces swelling, wearing shoes with a stiff sole that do not constrict And are supportive is also very helpful. Mine could not be splinted due to surgery on the adjacent toe but Splinting by buddy taping would be good if you can do it the stiff soled can accomplish the a similar effect if you can’t buddy tape.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Oh and be careful not to overcompensate and strain any thing on the opposite side.

    7. GoryDetails*

      I broke my little toe once – and now that I think of it, I should have posted this in the “slapstick” thread! I was in a modern dance class in college (very unusual for me – just took it because college let me try all sorts of things I’d never been particularly interested in, and I figured, why not give it a shot), and during one of the “let’s all leap around” exercises, I flung my foot back – and caught the guy behind me right in the family jewels. I suspect he suffered a lot more than I did, but the next day my little toe was a delicious shade of purple-and-black. (I was too embarrassed to go back to the class, even without the dance-inhibiting injury – so I took horseback riding instead.)

    8. lasslisa*

      Not broken completely but partially cracked, and the doctor I saw it told me to ice it which worked great (at least based on my experience of not doing it, her commenting on how bad the swelling still was at my 6-week follow up appointment and telling me to use the g-d ice, and then complying and seeing it get dramatically better in like two weeks).

      You can do nerve damage with ice so you have to be careful, set timers, put something between the bag of ice and your foot (a thin towel, a sock). But the routine she gave me was 15 minutes on, 15 minutes off, 15 minutes on, and I see a recommendation on medical websites of 20 minutes every hour. If the ice started to hurt or my toe would go numb I would take the ice off, of course, and I’d recommend you do the same.

      Looks like the standard rest, ice, elevation advice all applies here, but I had been resting and elevating it and it was the ice that really made a big difference to me.

      1. lasslisa*

        From Medline: https://medlineplus.gov/ency/patientinstructions/000520.htm
        For the first few days or weeks after your injury:

        Rest. Stop doing any physical activity that causes pain, and keep your foot immobile whenever possible.
        For the first 24 hours, ice your toe for 20 minutes every hour you are awake, then 2 to 3 times a day. DO NOT apply ice directly to the skin.
        Keep your foot raised to help keep swelling down.

    9. RC Rascal*

      Yes. Out of college, on the doorjam to my parent’s hallway bathroom. Breaking up a cat fight (actual cat fight between our two cats). The morning after I received my very first job offer for my very first ever full time job. Cats were having a rip roaring fight until I hurt myself and my whimpers and wails scared them enough to pin their ears and sculk under the nearest bed.

      Fortunately I had 3 weeks before my start date. It was in the fall. I wore flip flops as much as I could. Also, fisherman sandals, which fortunately were stylish at the time. They were black, and I might have worn them with black socks to work with trousers my first week or so at the new job. Ahem….. By then I was healed enough to move on to loafers. But, it was 6 months before I could wear a tailored dress shoe.

    10. San Juan Worm*

      I broke a toe by slamming it into a chair leg a week before my first long-distance backpacking trip. It turned lovely shades of green, blue and purple. I managed to hike on it by using a silicone toe cap — it was excruciating to put on, and pretty painful to get my foot into my boot every morning, but once I did, I could do a seven-mile hike with a 40-pound pack with no problem. The combination of the toe cap and the protection of the rigid boot really helped. That toe healed up a little crooked, but there have been no long-term problems.

    11. LAMM*

      No advice, but as someone who had (what I suspect to be) a hairline fracture in their foot, during the holiday season, while working retail, I feel your pain. I didn’t go to the doctors because I couldn’t afford to be off work during the only time of the year I could earn OT. I had read that the only thing they could do was wrap it and tell you to stay off your feet.

      I still get pain occasionally in that foot. So go to the doctor and do what they say. I wish I would have taken care of it better, especially right now when it’s flaring up. And the flare up isn’t a whole lot better than the initial pain (I get maybe one flare up a year. But man they hurt).

      So my advice would be to go to a doctor, suck it up and do what the doctor says. And stay off the foot of thats what they say to do.

  51. Jackalope*

    I don’t know if anyone else is interested in talking about this, but I’ll try. I’m not normally a tv watcher; I lived over 20 years of my life with no tv and was perfectly happy. And I spent almost half of the 2000’s decade living in another country with limited access to US tv options. So until I met my now husband, I had never heard of Lost. He got me interested and we spent a year and a half working our way through it, which culminated in watching the finale last weekend, 10 years almost to the day after it aired originally. I was surprised to learn that because of this there were tons of newly written articles talking about Lost, which felt really apropos (in an almost creepy way!) to my life at the moment.

    So my question: anyone else out there a fan? Did you watch it originally, or are you a more recent convert like myself? How do you feel about it now? Did you like the finale or not? What did you think of the character development over the course of the show? If you’ve read any of the newly published articles about it, what did you think? (Or anything else you might be interested in talking about; I really want someone to talk about this with outside of my husband, since we’ve spent literal hours discussing things already, but since I’m so far behind the curve everyone else who was originally interested has moved on.)

    One request: critical comments are fine, but if your feelings are just hate towards Lost and everything about it, please don’t do a rage dump here. I’m wanting to have people to be either excited or thoughtful with. Also, given that it’s been 10 years since the show finished, let’s not worry about spoilers and assume that those who care already know by know what happened.

    1. Rebecca*

      I loved the series, and I remember my coworkers and I would happily discuss every episode the next work day after they aired! I am not a fan of the ending, though. I really liked the relics they found on the island, the whole Dharma Initiative, the idea of surviving on an island with things scavenged from the wreckage, people working together (or not), and all the subtexts and story lines. It was fun picking out characters in the background of some scenes from “before”, like I think in some of the airport scenes that focused on 1 particular person, you could spot other show characters in the background.

      I have shied away from watching anything directed by JJ Abrams since, as the ending for Lost was so disappointing to me, I didn’t want to get into another show and be terribly disappointed again.

    2. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      I watched it when it first aired, I always said I wouldn’t watch the finale as it couldn’t possibly provide a good-enough ending and I wish I had stuck to that.

      It’s a great show until the end.

    3. ThatGirl*

      We watched it as it aired and loved it, though there are 2 episodes I would classify as Very Bad and don’t need to watch again. I thought the finale was great; the last season meandered a bit – the whole temple plot was ridiculous. We did a rewatch a few years ago and my opinions hadn’t really changed.

      1. Jackalope*

        I’m curious about which 2 episodes you disliked. I will confess that I was pretty anti-episodes-with-characters-I-liked-dying, but my least favorite at this point (may change when I think about it) was the episode close to the end where 3 (THREE!) of the main characters who had been there since episode 1 died (Sayid, Sun, and Jin). I felt that Sun and Jin in particular had earned a happy ending after all they had been through (I was frustrated by the fact that they spent an entire season and a half separated trying to find each other, and then were together for less than 24 hours before dying), and was concerned about Ji Yeon being raised by Sun’s awful father. Sayid was a bit more mixed because it seemed a cinematically appropriate way for him to die – much of his character arc was dealing with the demons from his past and coming to terms with the terrible things he did in the war, so dying to save his friends seemed in some ways like a culmination of that. On the other hand, I wanted him to get a chance to keep living out the new, more peaceful life he was finding and keep learning how to be a man of peace rather than a man of war.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Fire & Water, the Charlie-centric episode where he was completely out of character, and Stranger in a Strange Land, the utterly pointless story of how Jack got his tattoos that’s widely regarded as the series’ worst.

          That’s less my personal feelings about the characters and more how they fit into the show, though. I did feel Sayid got a bum deal, with the whole dumb temple plot. Sun and Jin, that was a tragic moment but I understood it thematically.

          1. Jackalope*

            Okay, yeah, I would agree with you on both of those episodes. My husband was pretty much against the tattoo episode, and mentioned that we could skip it if we wanted to. I decided to watch it anyway, since I wanted to see all of them, but I agree that it’s pretty awful, on multiple levels.

            Mr. Jackalope and I were looking at the Lost Wikipedia (Lostpedia) at a list of solved mysteries, and discovered that the sickness Danielle Rousseau was talking about at the beginning of the show, somewhere in Season 1, was what Sayid experienced being sort of taken over by the smoke monster. I hadn’t made the connection, since they were separated by so much time.

    4. CoffeeforLife*

      I loved the first few seasons and then I think it lost its way and ran since story lines that were never really explored/answered or seemed a little unnecessary. Like most people, I was extremely disappointed about the ending. I had a recent conversation about the ending…funny. But, I think with most epic shows the ending is so tricky, looking at you GOT.

    5. Jackalope*

      So for those of you with opinions about the finale, why did you like it or not? If it was disappointing, what about it was not what you’d hoped? (If you still remember…)

      I will say that I personally found it satisfying. Part of this is that I love the idea of a happy ending in the afterlife, and so that aspect worked for me. And I enjoyed having many of the characters come back for a last hurrah together (I missed some of the ones that didn’t, but they did a good job of bringing most of them back). I liked the idea that people who were in love and then were separated by death got back together and got to have the relationship they should have gotten sooner, and the idea of all of them considering this time in their life so meaningful that they “decided” subconsciously to head into the afterlife together. On the other hand, it’s a bit disconcerting that everyone (with the possible exception of Ben, who didn’t come into the church because he wasn’t “ready yet”; not sure if that meant he wasn’t dead yet or just wasn’t ready to face everyone) in this group of people that I liked is now dead, even though there is room for the idea that some of them (namely the ones who escaped at the end, along w/ Hurley and Ben) lived many years after the end of the main action. However, I am curious as to how this hit viewers who found it disappointing or controversial.

    6. Sunset Maple*

      My social group was REALLY into Lost. Our friends threw a weekly viewing party, and the hosts always got really into it: crafting Dharma Initiative labels for all the food and drink, etc.

      I was so angry about the finale that I monologued an extended tirade on my blog, lol. (I actually just went back to read it now, and cracked myself up. Oh, younger me, spitting fire over a TV show. How simple your life was.)

      For me, the problem wasn’t the content of the finale itself, it was about JJ mouthing off for years about how everything had a reasonable explanation and the viewers should just trust him, and wait and see. Then he pulled an Oz, got pissy when everyone revolted, and started disparaging fans, saying that it was a character-driven show and the sci-fi genre was just a backdrop and we were all missing the point. He painted himself into a corner without a plan, then insulted everyone who called him on it. I have not respected him as a person or as an artist since.

      That said: I think watching the show with fresh eyes using an on-demand platform would be a MUCH more satisfying experience. Without the baggage of constant breathless interviews, and with the ability to binge it without delayed expectations, I believe I would enjoy it ten times more now than I did as an original-airing viewer.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I loved the show when it first came out. It had a very provocative premise, but sadly, I don’t think the writers had any kind of an ending planned for the show. (In contrast, most of the British TV series that we see in the U.S. have a definite plot with a definite well thought-out ending planned.) They didn’t seem to know just how to develop the premise in a way that made sense. Over time, I became annoyed with all of the red herrings in “Lost” that didn’t lead anywhere and became less of a fan as the show progressed. The finale wasn’t as terrible as it could have been, but still a bit “meh” at best. They’d kind of written themselves into a corner where there really wasn’t anything they could have done to have tied up all of the loose ends satisfactorily. At least they had an ending that (sort of) wrapped things up. But still, it was a stinker.

      As an aside, I found it amusing that the actors on the show (several of them) who had run afoul of the law (mostly DUI charges) in their personal lives all found their characters promptly “killed off” fairly early in the series.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I loved it, watched it all the way through, and was okay with the finale, if not completely satisfied. It didn’t make me want to rage-dump like the end of How I Met Your Mother. (I will not watch that show again because of the end.)

      1. Morningstar*

        I found rewatching HIMYM actually improved the ending for me as you can see that they were basically writing towards that the whole time, so you can watch for those clues. I still think the final episode is too abrupt/sudden/packed or something, but actually fitting.

      2. ThatGirl*

        I loved HIMYM at the time but that finale….ugh. Part of the problem was how great Cristin Milioti was, then they fridged her, and the other part was that the show spent years telling us Ted and Robin weren’t right for each other. Also, Barney is horrible toward women and the show barely addresses it.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          All of this.
          The whole the-love-of-Robin-redeems-Barney thing didn’t even approach credibility.
          And the whole point of Ted and Robin NOT getting together was that they related better to each other as FRIENDS. Their relationship had run its natural course. But they completely dumped that concept and were like, no no, they can only function as a couple. They completely trashed any growth Ted could have experienced in his search for the mother.

    9. hermit crab*

      Oh this makes me feel some kind of way! My backstory: I was in a serious car crash in January 2010, when I was in my early 20s – I very easily could have died, but was lucky (and privileged to have access to excellent health care) and completely recovered. However, I wasn’t supposed to do much for several months afterwards. It wasn’t quite as strict as bed rest but like… couch rest? I had never streamed TV before. I was the very definition of a captive audience.

      THAT is when I discovered Lost – shortly after coming home from the hospital. I think I watched it on a combination of netflix discs (??) and the network’s website. I was so enthralled that I started watching it mid-episode to mid-episode to avoid cliffhangers, so that I could actually sleep. I caught up with the episodes in time for the finale, which I watched on my rabbit-ears TV, sitting on the pepto-pink loveseat my roommate got for free from an office building that was upgrading its furniture.

      There were definitely things I didn’t like over the course of the show, but I actually loved the last season. Those guys going around like the destiny mafia! I felt fine about the finale – it wasn’t Six Feet Under or anything, but I absolutely defended it to my friends.

      1. Jackalope*

        The Destiny Mafia! That’s a great definition! And of COURSE Hurley is going to be one of the people in the Destiny Mafia!

    10. allathian*

      I really liked the first two seasons, but lost interest quite early in the third. I think my husband’s seen the first four seasons, but I’m not sure. We mostly watch things both of us like and he’s occasionally suggested giving the show another go. I’ve read enough about the show to find out that many were hugely disappointed by the end, so I’m not sure I want to invest so much time in watching it… Especially as there’s so much other stuff to watch that we both like, and so little time to do it in.

  52. Natalie*

    What’s a good simple gift for a 2 year old that has been going a little crazy with all the playgrounds closed? Something that can probably be purchased at Target. (His mom and I are really close friends so she’ll accept a token gift from us.) My first thought was kite but I’m not sure if he’s too young for that.

    1. nep*

      What about one of those little ‘trampolines’ with the handle? I’ve been looking for a trampoline for my grand-niece, who’s six, and I’ve seen a lot of cute things for little ones. I’ve also been looking at rocking horses, and they have some really cute ones that have a closed-in seat, safer for a two-year-old.

    2. James*

      Mid-sized Lego-type building blocks are a good option. There are also toddler-friendly Tinker Toy style building sets.

      There are also good “adventure” type kits for small children–cheap binoculars, magnifying glasses, bug nets/cages, compasses, that sort of thing. Given that the kid has enough room to fly a kite, I’d imagine there’s a lot of open space where flora and fauna can be found.

    3. Ranon*

      Do they have outside space? A small inflatable pool/ sprinkler/ water play thing might be useful. Bubble gun is pretty great at that age too. Definitely too little for a kite but the grownups might like it, inexpert kite flying is a great social distancing activity, people really stay away!

    4. Not A Manager*

      If they have access to outdoor space, that’s a good age for water play. You can get an attachment head for a hose that sprays water around (like a lawn sprinkler, but more interesting). Those are quite inexpensive and kids tend to love them.

      The fancy bubble wand sets are fun too, but at that age it would really be the parents making the bubbles and the kid chasing them.

    5. Disco Janet*

      As a mom, I’d prefer something that didn’t require constant assistance from me, and a kite definitely would. I agree with Ranon about a sprinkler or bubble gun – my kids have so much fun with both! Sprinkler is the lower maintenance option of the two though, since if I let them refill the bubble gun on their own it gets spilled/wasted (at the age of 2, my kids preferred our Bubble Machine that would do the work for them and they could just chase the bubbles).

      Other things that come to mind are sidewalk chalk, water or sand table (bit more pricy, but ours was only about $40 and our kids LOVED the water table at that age and it kept them busy for so long), and games that get them moving and are toddler-friendly – beanbag tosses, fishing games, Shark Bite, Mr. Bucket, etc.

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        A sand/water table is great for two year olds. It’s kept mine occupied for an hour a day for the last 12 weeks.

        1. dawbs*

          and water tables can be used inside! This one fits inside a shower: https://www.step2.com/p/waterfall-discovery-wall?gclid=Cj0KCQjw_ez2BRCyARIsAJfg-ksNjet57fWB_yJHRFAYX8O1lNN-NaY4rPr_tetooN-CxYrIZXGnhCQaAnXtEALw_wcB

          Buys a lot of peace and quiet!

          Although if that’s to big a price tag, these also work!
          https://www.target.com/p/boon-tubes-bath-toy-3ct/-/A-75568257?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&fndsrc=tgtao&CPNG=PLA_Baby%2BShopping&adgroup=SC_Baby&LID=700000001170770pgs&network=g&device=c&location=9017227&ds_rl=1246978&ds_rl=1248099&ds_rl=1242884&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_ez2BRCyARIsAJfg-kukkCQcJHvpD5iwgNpSt50J_J_9Fzs0OYNpDTyNPL_gpNeMd6IPDsMaAvENEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds#
          (sometimes it didn’t occur to me when my kid was that age that I could put them in the tub WITHOUT giving them a bath–but you totally can. Swim trunks and a bucket and a measuring cup and things to dump? Huzzah!)

      2. Cimorene*

        +100
        My two year old is all about bubbles, chalk, anything water related but can be simple as a sprinkler.

    6. Generic Name*

      I second the tips for toys for water play. There’s something called a “water table” that is great for small outdoor spaces. Tub toys are another good option. The kinds that stick to the wall and they can pour water through are fun.

    7. Kate*

      My 2yo favourite things outdoors: rocking horse, slide, running around traffic cones, trampoline, digging up soil from my flower beds and putting it in water cans…

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh, mine loves adding stones to watering cans. Maybe just buying a kid friendly watering can is a good idea, if there’s outside space. Buckets are also awesome. Things that other things can go into (bags, buckets, pouches, tins) are all really popular with my kid.

    8. Teatime is Goodtime*

      A collapsible tunnel! A kid-tent! Something to climb or stand on or jump over–there’s foam furniture/wedge shapes, or a mat that can fold up, something that lets them manipulate their physical location in space. We have an old matress that my toddler loves to run across, for example. Flipping it up and down is also loads of fun, and it can be a landing pad for any number of moving games.

      1. James*

        Oh, a tent is a good one! I’ve started backyard camping with my boys, and the next day they and my daughter (who’s 3) spend most of the day playing in the tent. A tent can be a space ship, or a boat, or a castle, or an entire city, and it means (and this is not a small thing to a parent) the kids are contained and not underfoot. A cheap “gumdrop” tent from Walmart or Target would do the trick.

    9. Shell*

      A sand/water table or a mini ball pit. Both keep my toddler entertained for hours.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      If the family has access to a back yard and an exterior brick wall the child can “paint” with a clean paintbrush and a small bucket of water. Or with supervision they can use non-toxic, washable paints for fingerpainting or printing–outdoors, where cleanup can be accomplished with the garden hose! :-)

      Safety warning: The water-container should be too small for the child’s head and everything should be safe from choking hazards. I’m many years removed from considering these matters on a daily basis, but I recall that children can drown in very little water if they fall face-first into a bucket, tub, pool, etc.

    11. dawbs*

      there’s also “throwing things” in safe ways: https://www.melissaanddoug.com/tootle-turtle-target-game/6160.html?utm_source=google&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=9240776563&utm_content=95405916882&locphy=9017227&adpos=&gclsrc=aw.ds&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=PLA%5BNonBrand%5D&utm_adgroup=Music_Magic_Games%5BNB%5D&utm_productgroup=all%5Cgames+%26+card+sets&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_ez2BRCyARIsAJfg-ksOZIXB6QGYIqq3xC8sZ6VUxrxt-Jo98H9oLTDEypGfrMSPISBuIN8aApe5EALw_wcB

      and wobble. Balance boards don’t seem like they’d get out a lot of energy, but, sometimes they do. att hat age, we had this one:
      https://www.amazon.com/ALEX-Active-Monkey-Balance-Board/dp/B000N40SDC

      THis sort also works
      https://www.fatbraintoys.com/toy_companies/fat_brain_toy_co/teeter_popper.cfm?country=US&source=google_pla&kwid=FA095-2&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_ez2BRCyARIsAJfg-kuoYL2WndWw5qfI8z-v2JG823zuONPExh9CqDWeV-3OcvWQk0Sl6nsaAl7-EALw_wcB

      My kid was completely indifferent to the bilibo, but people swear by it, but my nephews a wobble more like this, and it was fun
      https://www.walmart.com/ip/Simplay3-Rock-Around-Wobble-Disk-for-Toddlers/619585459?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=0&&adid=22222222227296844294&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=363151141566&wl4=aud-430887228898:pla-784807120311&wl5=9017227&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=619585459&veh=sem&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_ez2BRCyARIsAJfg-ktxfTeEUmtkAZCRYORrnx_npar_Tbu2rhIjGtUx3FdG9R6wqALAglQaAljjEALw_wcB

      And balance boards don’t *look* super active, but they seem to get out a LOT of energy. at that age, we had this (even though it’s ‘to old’)

    12. Natalie*

      Thanks folks. It’s getting hot here so I like the water toys idea, I’ll see what target has on offer!

      1. LibbyG*

        A water table is great. Another idea for something smaller: a stomp rocket. Two, or two and a half is about the youngest a kid can be and do it, but it’s fun for a few years after that.

    13. Artemesia*

      the most high value toy we bought for the grandkids is magnatiles — they might be too pricey for you but they have been so worth it. Our granddaughter 10 still sometimes plays with them and she played with them almost every time she visited for years and now her 2 year old brother is loving them.

      I recently got the 2 year old duplo dump truck and backhoe type thing and he loves those — duplo are the leggos for toddlers

      He is at 2.5 very into puzzles — he has a bunch of small 10 piece puzzles of dinosaurs he loves and so I took him the large piece floor puzzle of Frozen that I got for his sister years ago and they loved putting that together.

      The other big big hit is the Melissa and Doug Pizza Party which is a wooden toy pizza complete with cutter, velcro toppings and plate — both kids adored this as toddlers. Every time the two year old comes over he rushes to get the pizza and make up slices and put them on little plates we have in the toy area and bring them to everyone. He is just endlessly fascinated by it. You have to get it on line, but I guarantee this will be a hit with a toddler. Magnatiles are great but a big set is $100 — the pizza is about $18.00

  53. Detective Rosa Diaz*

    Some may remember me asking about foster care last year – I am now nearing the end of my screening, and looking for some input from parents / foster parents about kidproofing when you are jumping straight to toddler-age kids.

    I already arranged to get bannisters installed on my stairs. Fire safety also already seen to. Any other big items I might need time to see to??
    The actual room decor, I will wait to do until I get the call, but in terms of safety? What was something you didn’t really think of immediately?

    1. Ranon*

      In definitely deadly: anchor furniture and TVs, get hazardous chemicals on high shelves behind a lock (including medications, cleaners, etc).

      If you have any windows that are fall hazards (low sills with high drops, furniture that gives access to higher sill windows) I would address those too.

      Pretty much everything else is for convenience and the necessity will come down to the temperament combo of you and the kiddos in terms of what you want to address with supervision and what you want to address with environment changes. Nothing is childproof but changing the physical environment can change how much supervision you need to provide at what distance and frequency

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        We did TV and furniture, and covered the plug sockets. Everything else is unchanged. You can’t protect them from everything and they learn pretty quickly.
        Put stuff that you value away, though, toddlers can be quite destructive.

      3. Detective Rosa Diaz*

        Thanks, everyone! This is all very helpful! It sounds like most of this I will be able to do between the call and the actual placement, when I know the age and can do a house tour via crawl and grab :))
        I have resigned myself to a book purge since the bookshelves are all in the second bedroom now, and I can’t accomodate more than half in my own room.

        Thanks again!!

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      All our books had to migrate north. I’d honestly just lay down on the floor and see what you can reach. What could you wriggle under if you were smaller? What can you pull off of a shelf? What nobs and doors and drawers can you open? Do the same on your couch and coffee table and any furniture that a toddler can reasonably climb. Pretend you’re interested in being as destructive as possible and/or putting everything in your mouth–not because the kids actually want to break anything but because they dont know that some of their exploring is distructive and anything non-distructive isn’t the same kind of problem.

    3. tangerineRose*

      Find a safe place to put laundry detergent, dishwasher soap, etc. that a kid can’t get to.

    4. Policy wonk*

      Crawl around your house on hands and knees. See what you can see/reach. I was really surprised at what my little ones could get ahold of or pull over on themselves. And you need door and cabinet locks, including for the bathroom – and laundry room if possible.

    5. Nita*

      The big stuff that you may have already covered: window guards, anchoring furniture to walls. Also – you’d be surprised at how much a toddler can reach. My 18-month old can reach the edge of the kitchen counters and open all the drawers in the house, even the really heavy ones. She’s climbing chairs and tables, is thisclose to figuring out she can move the chairs to reach even more stuff, and yesterday I caught her sizing up the book shelves to see if they’re good for climbing. A couple of times, she’s pulled screws out of furniture, stuck them in her mouth, and then (whew!) came to me so I’d get them out. There is no way to fully baby-proof the house short of padlocking the bathrooms and removing all objects and furniture, so closed doors are my best friend to cut down how many things she can get into while I’m not watching. I think my LO is kind of on the extreme end of how into-everything kids get, but even more laid-back kids do something crazy once in a while, and you never know when they’ll get it into their head that today is a good day to see if they can fly, or if the liquid soap tastes as good as it smells, or if the bead they picked up outside will fit in their nose.

    6. Bubbles McPherson*

      Child locks on trash cans, unless you want the contents of your garbage strewn across your living room. We also had to get a lock for the oven door.

  54. Miss Manners Type Question*

    TL/DR: How much time is allowed after a wedding to send out thank you notes? And now should I acknowledge another registry for the same person?

    My boyfriend and I attended his friend’s wedding last October. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was just awesome! However, for us, the ability to go financially was a bit of a stretch – from the clothing to the gift (an expensive gift since I was trying to somewhat match the price of a dinner to it) – but we didn’t believe in putting a price tag on friendship. We made it work. However, now we are over 6 months out from the wedding, and neither the bride nor the groom have acknowledged the gift. (She had done this as well with her bridal shower in which it took nearly four months to get any acknowledgement on that.) That’s the first part of my question – is she out of line with having allowed more than 6 months to go by without sending out thank you notes?

    *And yes, I was taught that you should always give without expecting anything in return. However, I was also taught etiquette in writing thank you notes.

    My second part now is to how to move forward – the bride is pregnant. She is due at the end of the summer. She has already put up a baby registry, and people are already purchasing things from it. I don’t know how she will have a baby shower during this COVID pandemic, although the state she lives in is opening up bit by bit so she may luck out. However, I’m a bit salty about the lack of acknowledgement from the first gift, and I don’t see how it is appropriate for her to already be asking for more gifts when she can’t close out the first. I really don’t want to go to that expense again with how it went down the first time. Could I spare the expense? Sure I can find something for baby. And I know it’s not the baby’s fault. My boyfriend is torn too.

    What would you do? I’m looking for a perspective that maybe I’m not considering and would change the outlook of things.

    1. self employed*

      You can do a follow up to ensure they got your gift— sometimes errors in shipping happen. It’d also be a nudge to them to tell you, we got the toaster, we love it, thank you. Let your boyfriend ask his friend about it.

      Also, if you are not invited to a shower, you are not obligated to send a gift. If you are invited, you should send one.

      Please also keep in mind that while I 100% agree with sending thank yous, try to take the high road. I was salty about not getting one once, but took the high road a second time and was surprised to receive a very thoughtful note in return for my second effort.

    2. fposte*

      Some people believe that the couple has a year from the wedding to write thank you notes. Most traditional etiquette says ha, no, you wish; get those suckers out.

      However: while I’m a priss myself about thank you notes, if a friendship is standing or falling on the note I’m guessing there’s not much keeping you together underneath it, and if they’re the kind of people that would hold it against you that you didn’t send a baby gift (a nice congratulations note would be a kind gesture, though) that’s a mark against the. But I mostly think that since this is your boyfriend’s friend, this might be a moment to say “Know what? Boyfriend, this is your friend, so this call’s all yours. Don’t even tell me what you decide to do.”

      1. Triplestep*

        I only learned recently that today’s brides and grooms are learning online that they have a year to write their thank you notes. My theory is that someone once confused the amount of time you have to GIVE a wedding gift (one year) with the time you have to send a thank you note, and it spread online.

        I confess that I was not happy waiting 8 months after giving a couple the kitchen knives they’d registered for, and got “Thank you for coming to our wedding, and thank you for the knives. They come in handy.” Well, yes, you asked for them so I would assume you find them useful!

        1. RagingADHD*

          I remember Judith Martin writing about the one-year thank-you misconception long before there was an Internet. It’s not new.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Send her a pretty card with a sincere note congratulating her on the upcoming addition to her family. Don’t be passive-aggressive or snarky. It sounds to me like you genuinely like your friend but you’ll resent sending even a token gift. So acknowledge the affection that you have, and don’t do something that will make you angrier than you are.

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        Yeah, this is where I land. It sounds like the reason why the lack of a thank you note hurts is because of the financial strain that was involved in attending the wedding, so I think it’s OK to just send goodwill rather spending more money.

        1. valentine*

          Agree with Not a Manager’s comment. I would preface it with “Your boyfriend can…” because it doesn’t sound like you consider her a friend, so the relationship is on his side. Even if it’s from both of you, he can do it.

          The baby doesn’t care.

    4. Misty*

      My friend had a wedding in the summer of 2017 and I still haven’t gotten a thank you note from her. I’m not mad about not getting one but I was surprised to never receive either a written note or some sort of verbal acknowledgement about the gift. But then again idk maybe it just slipped her mind because so many people attended her wedding? If it’s your bf’s friend, I would let him deal with bringing it up/taking the lead on what to do. If you’re not invited to the baby shower, you could just not get the baby a gift. (I’ve reached the point where everyone I know is having babies so I can’t afford to give gifts to them all unless they are close friends. Some of my close friends have had multiple babies in the last few years!)

      My other friend who had a wedding says that you have 6 months to a year to mail out the thank you notes. She tried to mail hers out right away by having people self address provided envelopes at the reception. I thought that was extremely clever of her to do!

      1. fposte*

        I’d differ–I’m not a fan of making your gift givers do part of the work of thanking them. Might as well have them write the note for you as well (which I’ve also heard of).

        1. Misty*

          Our group of friends live all over and are military so I think her main concern was a bunch of them were moving that summer and she wanted correct addresses. My other friend did almost the same thing but she didn’t have them write on envelopes and had them write it in a ‘sign in’ notebook at the reception. So it may just be a ‘my group of friends’ thing and not a common thing.

        2. Misty*

          Wait… you’ve heard of someone making them write the note for them as well? That’s a story I’d love to hear.

    5. WellRed*

      To answer the first part: She should have sent thank you notes pretty much immediately after the shower. I’m more lenient about wedding gift note timelines.

    6. Reba*

      Not the answer to your question as such… but I want to just flag that you seem to be putting the responsibility for the notes on the woman in the marriage. Maybe she is the one who is your partner’s friend, if so that would make sense. And, on the other side, not to assume too much, but if you are a woman in a relationship with a man, ask yourself if you are taking on the social management for you both as a couple. If so, why?

      Finally, this is not at all a criticism of you at all, but just taking the opportunity to rant about this very common wedding-related belief that we have to make our presence “worth” what the couple are spending on us — I find this odious! I hate hearing about how people end friendships over the cost of catering! Again, not saying *you* are doing this, just that I have seen this belief you cite used very widely and it is so wrong to me. A wedding is a celebration, not a quid pro quo! I do joke about how attending weddings is a “friend-tax” but like, these are supposed to be people you love!

      Yes, the lack of notes is bad. And remember, a registry or an invitation is not a summons.

      1. WellRed*

        I don’t see that? She states neither bride nor groom mentioned wedding gift. As to the shower gift, since it sounds like the shower was for the bride then yeah, the bride should send the thank you.

    7. HannahS*

      Yeah, I’m also a bit of a stickler for getting thank you notes out the door–we just had a (much smaller than expected due to COVID) wedding, and when we were sent gifts, we banged out a couple thank you notes each day and got them sent out. However, for my husband’s side, I made sure their names were on the spreadsheet, and after that, it’s his job to write them. It’s not my place to manage his relationships–both as in “it’s not women’s work so he respects me enough not to make me do it” and “men are adults so I respect that he’s capable”–so there might be some people who haven’t received notes from us.

      I think it’s bull that people shouldn’t expect to be thanked for gifts. I think the idea that gifts should be given freely means that you don’t give a gift expecting to extract gifts, servitude, or a particular type of relationship from someone, not that you should send it off into the ether and be totally cool without it being acknowledged.

      To your question, first, gifts are for parents, not babies. You aren’t punishing the baby by not getting a gift, unless these are people who cannot afford the essentials they truly need. Second, it’s always appropriate to send a congratulatory card, which doesn’t need a reply the same way. Third, it’s your boyfriend’s friend, so I think it’s his job to make the final call.

    8. Teatime is Goodtime*

      It sounds like she got pregnant pretty quickly after the wedding…and pregnancies can be really draining and hard! I remember the first trimester being exhausted and nauseous often, and for some folks that lasts longer. And you might not know how difficult it is or isn’t from the outside, so I think I’d be happy to cut them more slack than usual.

      However: I also don’t think you need to send a gift. Well wishes are plenty enough. :)

      I’ll add though: I’m not great at thank you notes, it took me more than six months to send our wedding thank yous out (and I wasn’t pregnant) and thank you notes for gifts I’ve given are lovely but aren’t hugely important to me–I would always give the gift anyway and I would rather cut whoever it is some slack for stuff going on that I might not know about. So that might disqualify my point of view.

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        “I would rather cut whoever it is some slack for stuff going on that I might not know about.”

        Plus the fact that they might not know about that particular custom. I’d rather just give what I can comfortably afford so that the stakes aren’t as high re: getting thanked, and if I found out that a friend or acquaintance had felt obligated to match a particular price for my gift when that was difficult for them, I’d feel really bad about that, no matter what I had or hadn’t done etiquette-wise.

      2. Triplestep*

        If you’re not great at thank you notes, try this trick I used with my kids for the Bar and Bat Mitzvah gifts: They are much more accustom to thinking and typing on a computer keyboard than hand writing, so I had them type out each note first, then copy to a hand-written card. This allowed them to copy/paste things they had said to others (they got a lot of checks, so how many ways can you say that you are saving to buy a musical instrument?) and then they’d add something personal. It had the added benefit of spell check! The notes turned out quite well and I heard from so many people how much they liked them. And it taught the kids how to write thank you notes in general which at 24 and 31 they still do.

    9. A long long time ago*

      Thank you notes.
      We split up the list and wrote the notes. ( because back then the bride was expected to write the notes ) We sat down together and enjoyed talking about the people. Oh, the set of silverware was from your mother’s poker club. And stories were told.
      A little later a friend of the husband sent a lovely hand made gift. The husband said he would write the note. A year later I ran into the husband’s friend at a trade show. He said hey did you get the wedding gift. Omg, the husband said he sent a note. So, so sorry. We love it.
      Thirty years later I still feel shame,

      1. Triplestep*

        I also remember sitting down with my husband to write the notes from a divided list and chatting about the wedding, guests, etc. It will be 17 years in November.

      2. tiasp*

        After our wedding, I cheerfully suggested to my husband that he write the notes for his family and I’ll write for mine. Absolutely no way in hell was he going to write any notes. So I wrote all the notes and gave him the ones for his family to hand out. A year or two later, I was at his mom’s house and found a pile of all the notes. So I wrote new notes saying sorry, this was mislaid, gave them to him again. I suspect they were never handed out. (Why didn’t I mail them the second time? Because I didn’t have addresses – he handed out his invitations AND his mom invited a bunch of people on her own and just gave us a list of names. Wedding planning (and execution) was not a good time.)

    10. Jack Russell Terrier*

      She should have sent you a thank you note! I think you might feel a bit less salty if you just gave within you budget range in future. You could have sent a frame with a photo you took at the wedding or a book with your favorite recipes, if you both cook. You could send some bibs for baby – or your favorite childhood book. You can even just go with a congrats card – I love those. You are not obliged to spend a lot of money on gifts and I get the impression it’s the amount of money you spent on a budget that is part of what’s annoying you.

    11. Koala dreams*

      According to etiquette, the bride and groom are given more leeway since they have a honey moon to go on, a house to move into and put in order, and a lot more thank you cards to write. More than six months for the couple to send thank you cards is a bit much, yes. If the groom is not much for sending cards and following etiquette otherwise, I would just accept it and do things more informally when dealing with him and his wife in the future. If he has been following etiquette in similar situations in the past, I would maybe mention it next time and ask if the card got lost in the mail.

      Honestly, I’m more of an informal person myself, and the last wedding I went to as a guest I forgot about thank you cards and only sent a thank you card after I got one from the couple in the mail. Somehow we are still friends!

      You don’t need to give gifts for the baby shower. It’s fine to send a nice card congratulating the couple on their baby, or even a text/e-mail if the father is more of an e-mail person. (If you were friends mostly with the mother, I would adapt to the communication style of the mother, of course.) According to traditional etiquette you give gifts that are appropriate for your relationship, not according to how many parties you are invited too (except hostess’ gifts). If this isn’t even your friends, just your boyfriend’s, I don’t see any reason for you to give a gift at all. If your boyfriend wants to give a gift, you can compromise and agree to sign your name too on the card.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Sorry, I see that I assumed that your boyfriend is friends with the groom, not the bride! It makes much more sense the other way around. So sorry! Just exchange father for mother and groom for bride, and the advice still stands.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Wait, why would you send a thank you card to the couple after their wedding? I’ve never heard of that.

        1. Koala dreams*

          To thank them for the wedding party, of course. If you didn’t go to a party, you don’t need to send a thank you card.

    12. allathian*

      Well, this is a bit unfortunate.
      First, it’s perfectly fine to “put a price tag on your friendship”. It’s called budgeting. Never give more than you can do comfortably. Giving more expensive presents than you can really afford is a great way to sour a friendship.
      It’s a shame that neither of them has acknowledged the gift, but how close are you really? As in, do you know how the pregnancy is going? If she’s been spewing her guts out, sending thank you cards is hardly a top priority. Also, it’s a shame the groom hasn’t stepped up either, if that’s the case.
      It may simply be that they’ve never been taught that writing thank you notes is important. That said, any acknowledgement, such as by text, would have been better than nothing.
      If you don’t want to give her a big gift, you don’t have to. If you get an invitation to the shower, you don’t have to go, just send your good wishes and a small gift for the baby. If you don’t get an invitation, it’s perfectly fine to send a card congratulating them on the new arrival, when you know the baby’s been born.
      To be honest, you sound like you’re still resenting the lack of an acknowledgement of your expensive gift to the point that you don’t really want to have anything to do with this couple who aren’t really your friends, but rather your boyfriend’s friends. That’s perfectly fine and you’re entitled to your feelings. Your don’t have to like all of the people your boyfriend hangs out with, and vice versa. It seems like you’re at an age where many of your friends and your boyfriend’s friends are getting married and starting families. In that case, it’s absolutely crucial that you learn to budget your gifts, and it’s perfectly fine to buy a more expensive gifts for someone you really care about and something less expensive for someone you’re buying a gift out of a sense of duty rather than affection.

    13. RagingADHD*

      It’s entirely possible that they split the guest list, so she was in charge of thanking her family/friends, and he was in charge of his own. Maybe it’s the groom who is remiss.

      It’s also possible that tags or cards got separated from their gifts, and they don’t know that thing was from you.

      If you really don’t know whether the gift was received, have your boyfriend follow up with his buddy. If you get invited to the shower, decide about gifting at the time.

      Yes, the one-year “grace period” isn’t technically correct, but it’s a common fallacy and they may believe it. Just give it some more time and see how things fall out.

  55. Anon and alone*

    To all those who celebrate(d) a birthday the weeks of May 31 to June 13, Happy Birthday and how did you / do you plan to celebrate it?

    1. Celebrating Chicagoan*

      Thank you! My birthday is coming up in just a couple of days, and I do plan to celebrate!
      I have a Zoom meet-up with a group of friends, and I have asked them all to wear funny hats, just for a laugh.
      I will also be getting a craft cocktail kit delivered from a local bar, and I think I am going to order a carrot cake from a local bakery.
      Sounds fun, doesn’t it?

    2. SirKeladry*

      Thank you! My birthday is today and I had a zoom call with my parents and younger siblings who live in another state. They sang happy birthday and we had cake together. My husband bought me an orchid and we played a board game. It was subdued, but nice.

  56. Cat*

    Anyone playing Animal Crossing? I’ve never even had a game console before but I got a Switch Lite to play this and I absolutely love it. It’s so soothing to go to my little island and catch fish, dig fossils, etc. My favorite thing is how the light varies throughout the day so I can stroll along the beach in the morning sun.

    I’m in the process of decorating and have made some nice little relaxation nooks (waterfall reading grotto! Zen garden! Flower plots! Hot tub nook!). Trying to decide what to do next. I have the instruments set aside for a concert venue but not sure how I want to configure it.

    My major complaint is that you can’t put rugs and flooring outside. I don’t have the patience to mess around with custom designs.

    1. Nessun*

      Yes! I’m a huge fan since a friend bought it for me for my birthday. I love the aquarium; my main focus every month is hunting up all the fish to populate it further, and I love sitting in from of the biggest tank and just chilling out.

      I also love logging on and seeing the weather – the rainstorm made me soooo happy (I live thunderstorms and don’t often see them).

    2. Just Like Bart*

      I’ve been playing every day. I am currently contemplating revamping my house decoration and striving for a 5 star rating.

    3. LQ*

      Yes! It’s lovely and small and I am 100% with you on wanting to put rugs and flooring outside. I want to like design some areas but that seems like way too much work and so they just sort of…eh happen. Most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing at all and that’s lovely in a way too. I’m playing in a fairly unstructured, unordered way and haven’t picked up a lot of “this will make playing the game easier” tricks that I would normally hunt down. I’m just sort of …whatevering it. Which is really nice.

      (I still think I liked Breath of the Wild better though, which sort of surprises me because Animal Crossing is a more me type of game. But I loved Breath of the Wild more than any game I’ve ever played.)

    4. DistantAudacity*

      Yes!

      I find it quite soothing. I also love the seasonality of it. Sharks have started showing up, for fishing!

      I have a 5-star house and island (mostly), and am currently into doing trading using Nookazon (external website).

  57. Phone in Water*

    Update on last week’s question on saving a water logged phone.

    Unfortunately, putting in a bag of rice and moisture absorbing pellets couldn’t save it. The Apple icon comes on the screen but it doesn’t boot up any further than that.

    Anyone ever tried taking one apart and trying to retrieve data? Not sure if iPhones have a mini SD card inside.

    1. Generic Name*

      The great thing about apple products is that they store all of your data (apps, contacts, everything) in the cloud, so it’s seamless to get a new device. All you have to do is log in with your account on the new device and voila! your phone is set up just like the old one. If you have an apple store near you, they walk you through the whole process, but it’s best to make an appointment.

          1. ThatGirl*

            5GB isn’t really enough for most people, but yes, it does include some. But my point is, unless they were paying for it, it’s likely not everything will be there.

      2. Phone in Water*

        Some of his data is saved that way, but he had long ago run out of cloud storage so a lot of his recent pictures weren’t backed up on the cloud.

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      One week may not be enough though. A couple more made a difference for an Ipod of mine.

      1. Phone in Water*

        We still have it sealed with the moisture absorbing pellets, just in case more time helps!

  58. WellRed*

    What’s everyone cooking? I have a pound of ground beef (which I don’t usually buy) and am wondering what to do with it. Note: It’s only feeding me, so something that can be portioned and frozen is best. I’m not feeling tacos.

    1. GoryDetails*

      For the ground beef, how about American Goulash? (Basically, ground beef, tomato sauce, pasta, and assorted flavor enhancers.) I recently made the “One Pot American Goulash” from Budget Bytes and enjoyed it – and it froze very well.

      What’s cooking right now: I have some chicken thighs ready to oven-bake with butter and herbs (though that’ll be later tonight; it’s too hot to cook right now).

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I do this – though I use pre-seasoned stewed tomatoes instead of the tomato sauce. Add lots of garlic. :)

    2. Me*

      Beef and cabbage stir fry from Budget Bytes?

      I use ground turkey for the recipe but it doesn’t really matter. Looks all fancy with black sesame seeds on top.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Meatballs freeze well, and if you don’t make the seasonings too particular you can pop them into, or serve them with, a variety of other dishes – tomato sauce, soup, rice, potatoes, etc.

      1. Natalie*

        If you like meatloaf, you can also make any meatloaf recipe into small meatloafs/large meatballs, which would be perfect size for a solo dinner.

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I found a recipe for cheesey stuffed biscuits. And husband picked out a box of Godiva brownie cheesecake torte to make. so I’ll be making those tomorrow.

      1. WellRed*

        Ha! I made my first burger a couple of weeks ago (preformed patty) and set off the alarms. I’m afraid to try again.

    6. Animal worker*

      Shepherd’s pie – brown the ground beef and put in a casserole pan. Add gravy and some mixed veggies, and if it’s to your taste some Worcestershire sauce . Then make mashed potatoes (homemade or be like me and the heat and eat ones from the store), heat them, then spread them over top of the other ingredients with a spatula. I like to sprinkle some cheese on top of the potatoes, because it can give it a bit of a crunchy top once baked (a British friend gave me that idea). Then bake in the oven until it’s heated well.

      If you’re lazy like me this can be really easy because I used gravy from a jar, mixed veggies from the freezer or a can, mashed potatoes that are heat and heat, etc. I ‘discovered’ the recipe after browning ground beef one day for pasta sauce then finding out I had no, you know, pasta sauce in the house. I happened to have the other ingredients mentioned, and voila, a new easy menu item was born for my future dinner options.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Sorry, I misread hte original post. Can you make hamburger patties or meatballs? Those typically freeze well.

    8. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      My mom makes something we call “skillet”, which doesn’t have a recipe and differs every time. You chop up an onion and a couple cloves of garlic, fry them in a skillet, add the ground beef and brown it, then keep adding whatever you have on hand. Most any veggies, (spinach is good, zucchini is good, any of the softer veggies that cook quickly are good), a can of tomatoes or beans, spices or herbs (cumin often seems to get involved, but Italian type herbs is also delicious), maybe some red wine or beef bullion or a spoonful of tomato paste. It should have a saucy texture. Simmer for 10-15 minutes until the veggies are cooked and the flavors come together. Serve over rice or noodles.

    9. Lena Clare*

      Oh I made some peddlers noodles with (veggie) ground mince. It was absolutely gorgeous!

    10. CoffeeforLife*

      I found a mystery bag of pork in the freezer this morning. It is in a ziploc (I generally vacuum seal so I’m not sure of its origin) but not freezer burned. I’m defrosting now and deciding what to do with it. Maybe kalua pork or carnitas? Hmmm

    11. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      The ground beef: I might put it in chili, which would freeze quite well. But that might be closer to tacos than you want.

      Cooking at my house: I’m going to a very small socially distancing picnic at a friend’s house here in a couple hours, so I made a lemon strawberry cake and a key lime pound cake and a dozen eggs worth of deviled eggs. (I tried a refrigerator cheesecake based on Disney’s “The Grey Stuff” recipe but it was unsuccessful. I know how I’ll tweak it when I try again though.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (Note: I always make way too much food for pitch-ins; there are only I think four or five of us including me. :-P )

    12. Ronda*

      chili
      tacos
      hamburger gravy (over mashed potato, but apparently some people do it on toast)
      meatloaf (or salisbury steak – my sis makes the campbells recipe)

    13. Fellow Traveler*

      It’s a fair bit of work, but I like making empanadas. I will make a big batch and then bake/fry some and freeze some. My future self often thanks me when I do this because it’s good for a quick, portable lunch.

    14. Kiwi with laser beams*

      I cook, portion and freeze the mince on its own and then add what I want to it when I’m reheating it, so I can have different meals with it each time.

    15. Anono-me*

      I just made a big thing of soup.

      If I were doing a pound of ground beef for one person, I would do two patties* and then brown the other half pound up with some onion, garlic, and black pepper. I would do the first patty as a cheeseburger with the works. The second patty I would treat as a hamburger steak. I would serve it the next day with a potato and a nice side of veg and maybe some garlic toast.

      The browned ground beef can be added to a million things. It can be added to many stews or soups. You can add it to tomato sauce and some seasoning for a nice pasta sauce. You can add it to egg bake. You can put it with some cream of mushroom or celery soup and serve it over rice or potatoes. Make beef nachos.

      * It sounds like you’re teaching yourself unfamiliar cooking skills. If so, maybe this will be helpful : When I make burgers, I like to flatten them out so that they are about a quarter inch thick on the outside and just a smidge thinner in the middle third. I season with pepper and garlic. I set my favourite burner to just over medium and heat up the pan. I set each burger in the hot pan and watch for the brown to move just over half way to the side. Then I flip the burger. Then I wait for the brown to move up the side to meet the other brown. Then I wait about 3 more minutes. (This last bit depends on your preference, your burner, your pan and the quality of your meat. So you will have to cut open your burger every minute or so for the last bit until you get a feel for what your perfect burger takes in your kitchen. )

    16. LibbyG*

      Maybe lettuce cups with Asian flavors? Freeze the excess seasoned meat for the next time.

    17. Ali G*

      I’m also on the meatball train! Easy to portion and freeze. I cook them in the slow cooker so it’s super easy too.
      I’m roasting a chicken over new potatoes tonight. Leftovers will become chicken salad for lunch this week when we run out of sliced turkey. Then I’ll make stock from the bones.

  59. Me*

    Anyone have experience with secured credit cards?

    I put both of my sons on my USAA account, and supposedly USAA also reported those credit cards on their credit.

    But… my oldest son (heading to grad school this fall) tried to apply for a regular credit card through his bank and they said nope. Not enough credit. His credit score, according to the bank (they use experian) is 696. He has rented (signed his own lease) for a couple of years but has no student loans or any other charge account other than the USAA credit card (which is issued in his name, not mine).

    So now he has a secured credit card with a $500 limit. Woefully low, considering his major purchases tend to be cross country airline flights. Whatever. I told him to start using it to charge groceries and pay it off each month on time.

    How long before he can apply for a regular, unsecured credit card? Any other tips?

    (Im very glad he’s ready to fully disconnect from the bank of Mom and Dad! His grad school stipend is $34k/year so he will be just fine.)

    1. Me*

      Also: I put the boys on my account back in high school so it’s been like 6 years of USAA history for the oldest.

    2. WellRed*

      I had one, with an even lower limit. It didn’t take long for that to increase (maybe a few months?) much to my regret.

    3. fposte*

      You say “supposedly”–it sounds like son hasn’t been checking his credit report. Time for that to change. Usually you get one free one a year from each agency, but through April 2021 that limitation is suspended, so he can check all three now (via annualcreditreport dot com) and not have to wait a year. That’s a big part of being a responsible and effective financial consumer.

      I see reports that suggest somebody with a light credit history (as opposed to a bad credit history) can be eligible for a regular card after only six months of secured credit card use, but that’s going to depend a lot on the card and what happens with your son in the mean time. The advice to use the card just for groceries (not spending up to the limit) and paying it off every month is solid.

      1. Dan*

        I’m going to add to your last sentence, because the point is subtle yet very important. “Credit utilization” is a HUGE factor in credit scoring, this number has nothing to do with whether one revolves a balance/pays in full. The number that usually gets reported is the statement balance when the bill is printed. So if the card is all but maxed out but paid in full, the credit bureaus see “maxed out” when the statement is generated, and scored accordingly.

        Point being, when the kid applies for an unsecured card, he’d want to make sure that there were minimal, if any expenses during the prior month.

        1. fposte*

          Right. What looks good is having a big credit line that you don’t use much of. In the grand capitalist tradition of “the less you need something, the more of it you can have.”

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Well, that was a terrible way to discover that I’ve had an auto loan out in my name before I could legally drive.

    4. Dan*

      It’s been awhile since I’ve been in that boat, but IIRC my first actual credit card was a “student credit card” with a $600 limit. You may want to try that route — I never had to deal with secured credit cards.

      1. D3*

        Student credit cards don’t seem to exist any more. At least my college kids have not been able to find them. My first credit card (which I still have and use!) started out that way.

        1. Anon100*

          I thought that student credit cards disappeared some time around the Great Recession? I was able to get a student credit card when I went to college in the mid-2000s, but my sister couldn’t when she started college in the early 2010s.

          1. Recent Grad*

            Discover still has a student credit card, my sister and I were both approved with no credit history.

    5. D3*

      My kids were in a similar situation. So frustrating that no debt is treated like bad credit! (Our credit score dipped after we paid off our house, too!?! WTF?!?!?) We learned that store cards are much easier to get than a Visa or Mastercard. So we had our kids do things like:
      Buy new tires for their car with the tire store credit card, even though they’d saved up cash for the purchase. Bought the tires, paid off the card in a month.
      Open a store card at Kohl’s and buy one item of clothing once a month and pay it off every month.
      Did those for 6 months, tried again, and were successful.

      1. I hate the offseason*

        I had a gas station credit card in college to start. Not that I was paying attention to my credit score. I just sometimes needed gas to get to work and didn’t have cash at that moment.

    6. Kathenus*

      Others have touched upon this, but I ran into a problem in my adult life with not using a credit card enough to build up good credit. Early in my career when I made so very little money, I got into a bunch of credit card debt. It took a few years to claw out of it and then I had two credit cards but pretty much almost always used my debit card instead. When I started thinking of buying a home I found out that I learned that using my credit cards very little, even if always paid off each month, was hurting me. So for a couple of years I started using them more instead of my debit card intentionally to build a more solid credit history.

      So it may not be how long your son(s) have had the credit card, but the frequency/amounts they were used for.

      1. Me*

        Thanks! Yeah, their credit card is tied to my account so their purchases show up on my monthly bill. I pay the bill each month. I’ve had that credit card for 30 years, and utilize less than 3% of the balance each month.

        I’m not terribly worried about the oldest and his credit card spending. He is a saver. He came out of college with far more money than he had when he went into it.

        I’ll recommend that he spends not more than 10% of the card limit each month. He will never be late on paying it.

        1. Natalie*

          Are they actually co-owners of the account, or just authorized users? Because the latter doesn’t affect their credit AFAIK.

          1. Me*

            Good question. When I set them up, I was stood that any activity on the account would be reported under their credit as well as mine (so that would’ve been a good thing since I pay off monthly, it’s my oldest account and I utilize a fraction of the overall available credit.

            I’ll check with them on Monday. My youngest is much less likely to transition off my credit card as easily, so I’d like to know now rather than a few years down the road.

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      One of our kids got a decent credit card by going to our bank in person and talking to a personal banker about what she needed/wanted. She’d had an account there for years, we had one for longer. I don’t remember what info she needed to give them. So if you have a bank in town, and can safely go there in person at some point…

      1. Me*

        I’ll try that too. The bank isn’t open for walk ins but I think we can make an appointment.

        He has multiple accounts at our bank and had since he was a small child. Checking, savings and many CDs.

    8. Jessi*

      Because I moved to the US at 27 I had zero credit history. I opened a secure CC with my bank (which happened to be BoA at the time) and within 6 months amex was happy to offer me 1200$ worth of credit. By the end of my time in the US they were willing to add a zero to that.

      I didn’t realise that they use a % of how much of your credit is being used – so if he only has 500$ he probably wants to keep the purchases on the card under 70$

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup – if you have a bank account, the bank will probably give you a card.

    9. Recent Grad*

      Have you tried Discover? They have a student credit card that rolls into a regular card once you graduate. My younger sister and I were both accepted with no previous credit history. I’m not sure if they accept grad students but it was a great first credit card for me.

    10. Sparrow*

      My first credit card was a basic Discover It card. I was able to get it while in college with no significant credit history after being denied for a card by my own bank. My parents hadn’t done anything like you have to build my credit history either. It has no annual fee and 1% cash back (there was also a promotion where they doubled my cash back at the end of the first year). My initial credit limit was low-ish, maybe $1000 but they raised it automatically after several months of me using it responsibly and 3 years later it is something like $7500. It’s marketed as a first credit card for college students so I imagine he would be approved if he applied

  60. ACA Questions*

    High deductible and low premium or low deducible and high premium? Single, relatively healthy person with multiple prescriptions. I have no idea how long I will be on ACA insurance and I would have parental financial support if I were to have anything big happen (plus my own savings.) The monthly premium difference is $100/month–for a significantly lower deductible ($6,000 vs $125), so I should go with that one, right?

        1. ACA Questions*

          Yes!! $125 deductible, $2,700 OPM. $236 monthly premium. VS $136 premium, $6,000 deductible, $8,150 OPM.

          1. Dan*

            I’m a math geek for a living, and often these plans (IMHO) aren’t structured in a way such that the choice is actually meaningful. By that, I mean the structure is such that if you *never* go to the doctor, then an HDP is by definition cheaper. However, if you get nailed with something big, the HDP is going to make you wish you were covered under the other plan. The better HDP plans I’ve seen are less of a tradeoff, and actually contribute money into a health savings account on your behalf. So if you don’t get sick, you keep the money, and if you do get sick, they actually cover a few things and you save money in the long run. Bad HDP plans are ones where if you do get sick, in the long run, you would have been better off paying a higher premium.

            As an aside, I managed to avoid any major health issues until my late 30’s, and then wham. I got hit with two ER visits and ultimately some expensive heart stuff, almost all coming out of nowhere. I’m not sure what the HDP would have cost me, because many years ago, I just decided a little extra in premiums was worth the peace of mind.

            1. Kiwi with laser beams*

              Yeah, health problems can come when you least expect them. I went to the optometrist for a routine check and she found symptoms that are AT BEST caused by a chronic condition (I got referred for an urgent test to rule out something life-threatening). I’ve had to go to specialists every couple of months for the last year and that’s going to continue for the foreseeable future. In my case, using private insurance was just an optional thing to reduce wait times, so if private insurance was my ONLY option I’d be extra conscious of this.

    2. Filosofickle*

      As a general rule I have always favored higher deductibles, considering you are unlikely to need big care and you can come up with the money if you need it. How likely is it you’ll use $1200 worth of care in a year? If unlikely, and you can easily cover the deductible, that does often make sense. But the fact that the deductible would basically be zero in the higher premium scenario makes that worth considering. In a year you’ve paid an extra $1200 but all your care is included (theoretically*). It would take 5 years of this extra premium to equal one year’s worth of deductible. My tolerance for risk in this way is getting lower, and am gravitating towards more comprehensive plan to avoid surprises.

      *Double check what your co-payments will be to see if there’s a difference there between plans. My HMO has no deductible at all, but I pay a significant amount for visits and such but little for prescriptions. Also make sure you understand what qualifies for the deductible, and what you might still end up paying for.

    3. Dan*

      These are always numbers games, where you have to look at the two factors you’ve mentioned, the out of pocket maximum, how much the plan pays for a given service once the deductible has been met.

      But something seems off with the numbers. $125 deductible is functionally nothing, and the math more or less says that you have to go 5 years with nothing major happening for the higher deductible plan to be the safer bet.

      If $100/mo extra essentially means I don’t have to worry about health care costs, I’d pay it in a hurry. I can tell you right now that I could swing a $6k deductible if I had to, but I wouldn’t be happy. I’d pay the $100/mo and not think twice about it.

    4. WellRed*

      How does it handle prescriptions? I have multiple prescriptions, and it’s the drug coverage I always go over with a fine tooth comb.

      1. Reba*

        Seconding this suggestion, get a close look at what your recurring costs would be if you can.

        1. Sunset Maple*

          Thirding. My plan requires me to get maintenance drugs in 3-month quantities, but my husband’s ADD drugs are only allowed to be dispensed in 30-day quantities, per law. Every GD month is a headache.

    5. LGC*

      …oh wow. So, I’d really read the plans closely. How much of your deductible do you typically use per year? How often are you hospitalized? Are your prescriptions exempt from the deductible?

      My instinct is that if – on average – you have $1300 or more in out of pocket costs per year, go with the higher plan. (Or, to be a bit chaotic, if you expect that the state *ahem* will do something to you that requires you to use $700 or more in services between now and January…) If you have less than that annually, I’d go with the low premium plan.

      Also, look at what’s covered under the deductible and what’s not covered.

    6. university minion*

      Look at the companies’ reputations. I would rather have a higher deductible but transparency in what is/isn’t covered than one with a low deductible that denies a ton of stuff unexpectedly. Voice of experience on that one. I don’t like financial surprises.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      ACA?
      From the little I have seen the second year the premium jumps. The first year is a fluke or something. Just something to watch out for.

    8. Get Em Cheap*

      Just tossing this out there as someone who takes a lot of medications. I have good insurance. But….. this year, I can get nearly every drug I take from GoodRX for cheaper than my copay. Two examples- both drugs are on the 4th tier on the formulary, which is $100/script/month. I can get one of those meds for $53/month and the other for $21 for 90-day supply on GoodRX.. My point… its worth shopping around on drug prices.
      Another program many people aren’t aware of … most (perhaps all) states have a prescription assistance program. All you need to be eligible is to be a resident of the state. In my state, that program often has cheaper prices than GoodRX (not always though).
      The other benefit of using these programs is that they don’t have quantity limits or require prior authorization from your doctor. Several of my drugs have those, and my life is so much simpler just paying cash and skipping my insurance entirely.

      1. Get Em Cheap*

        ^^^should say “prior authorization from the insurance company” not doctor

    9. MadMaddy86*

      I am going to just based on insurance go for the low deductible/ high premium. I find that it is worth the piece of mind. For me it tends to cover more of my prescriptions ( i have the experience that GoodRx covers far less than my employer insurance as it is INSTEAD OF insurance but I use needymeds.org ad that is in ADDITION TO insurance – it has a lot of manufacturer coupons and patient assitance programs for those that qualify). The copay difference is like $5-$15 but worth it should I ever get hit by a car or break a bone or something. When I 22 and on my own insurance before obamacare – i was on a low premium plan – was hit by a car riding my bike- broke my collar bone and it decimated my deductible for that year and then some. I was so thankful that I thought to do that because I would have been SOL if I had done the high deductible! You never know what could happen!

  61. Gilmore67*

    Rose bush pruning….
    Hi all, I bought a rose bush Memorial weekend planted it and is blooming beautifully. So I bought more. The question I have is pruning them.

    I have read up a little on it and doesn’t look at hard. But I am not sure. They say to cut the overlapping canes ( branches ) and anything that looks bad like diseased. Cut at angles. Remove suckers.

    I get the basic principle but looking for any tips.

    Any advise ? Thanks all !!

    1. fposte*

      There was a super-interesting study a few years back that found roses did just as well cut back with hedge clippers. Rose people like to overcomplicate everything.

      What I do with my roses: on the small roses (2-4 feet) I cut back dead stuff in spring. Some years that does indeed mean a hedge clipper. On the big climbers I go in every few years and cut out old canes, but otherwise pretty much leave them to themselves.

      How robust your rose is will depend on where you are and what kind of roses you bought. The one thing to keep in mind is that most roses will be grown on a different rose’s roots, so if you cut them back all the way to the ground you might end up with a different rose. (That’s why you see so many orangey-red Dr. Huey roses in the Midwest.) If you bought something like a Knockout series rose, you should be able to hedge-clip them back for size in spring if you want and let ’em rip the rest of the year. Other than that, I’d prune if I had the urge for aesthetic reasons, if the rose was trying to eat passersby, or if something squished it, but I wouldn’t feel obliged to.

      1. Natalie*

        Do you have any recommendations for uncomplicated rose info? I’d really like to get into them but I’ve never had much luck and there seemed to be a huge learning curve. (I think we’re in the same zone if that helps.)

        1. fposte*

          First, choose your rose. I’m zone 5b and I thought you were in Zone 4, so your choices will be even more limited. But there are still plenty of nice roses.

          Then look specifically for low maintenance, cold-hardy roses. There are Canadian-bred roses like the Explorer series, the Griffith Buck series bred at Iowa State (Hawkeye Belle is my favorite), and Minnesota bred ones like UofM’s Northern Accent series (UofM has roses called “Ole” and “Lena,” which delights me). A few other roses will get repeatedly recommended for colder climes (if you’ve got the room, Darlow’s Enigma is amazing). I bought own-root because I was worried about stuff dying back; I don’t know if it made any difference or not, but my Buck roses do die back to the ground in the winter (and bounce back to 3-4′ by summer). Look not just for a rose that doesn’t outright die; you want a rose that thrives in your region. (I’m looking at you, heartbreaking David Austin roses that swore you’d be fine in Zone 5.)

          Then make a Big Hole. My main rose source swears by this–that a hole 24″ around by 24″ deep is the key to successful rose growing. I am a lazy wimp with clay-based soil so mine probably had a low point of close to 24″ but were more like 20″ deep. Okay, maybe 18″. Then amend the soil generously, with maybe half compost or manure; you’re basically creating what one site described as a battery to power the rose. The first couple of years, keep it watered, especially in the late midsummer dry of the Midwest.

          And then ignore it as you please. I do some Japanese beetle drowning during that part of the season, but it’s mostly out of personal vengeance. My rose approach has been putting the work into the selection and the initial planting (which was a big sacrifice for me, because, again, lazy). But if you do that, roses can be super low maintenance. Some years I use rose fertilizer on them, and yes, I can tell the difference, but most years I forget, and they still make me really happy.

          1. Natalie*

            Cool, thank you! I’ll check out some of those varieties, I admittedly hadn’t tried to hard to get specific ones before, and definitely didn’t do that much in the planting.

            Do you think site selection matter much? That seems to be another place where six people have seven opinions and they all seem impossible.

            1. fposte*

              Most roses need decent sun (6+ hours a day). There are a few exceptions that tolerate some shade (Darlow’s Enigma again, bless it) but they’ll flower less. Beyond that, no. Carefully choose the rose, dig a big hole in a sunny spot and fill it with compost and dirt, shove your rose in there and water it for a while. End of.

          2. SpellingBee*

            I love you for recommending Darlow’s Enigma! One of my favorites, and not only for its suitability as a barrier plant. I’ve used the Buck roses in colder climates, but now we live in the southeast so I’m more concerned with heat tolerance and resistance to blackspot. I should do a little research on them again, because they’re wonderful. Maybe there are varieties that will do well here.

            My best performer here is actually an Austin rose – Desdemona. Lush and full, blooms nearly nonstop from spring through late fall, and seems almost impervious to blackspot (a miracle in our humid climate). My other current Austin is Boscobel, which is gorgeous early on when it’s in bloom but is completely defoliated by blackspot by this time of year. I should just shovel prune it, or move it to the back where I can cut the flowers when it blooms but then whack it back when it loses it’s leaves. I do love the Austins and have had many over the years, but they can be finicky.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      You pretty much have it for the pruning tips.

      The only other pruning to consider are personal preferences. For example that stray limb that insists upon growing out into the walk way. Or for climbers the shrub that always sends a branch to the left when all the branches need to go to the right.

      The overlapping canes problem is because they will rub each other and make an open wound- then you can end up with other problems. But this overlapping-rubbing issue is good advice for many shrubs and trees.

      1. Gilmore67*

        Thank you all for the info ! I looked at mine and all I did for now was snip off some yellow/bad little pieces. Everything else looked OK. But at least when it come time I have a better idea if what to do.

  62. Tuesday*

    I would love some advice from the gardening people. I have a pomegranate that I planted several years ago when it was just about 6 inches tall. I confess to being very neglectful of the poor thing, watering it very sporadically during our dry summers and doing nothing else. This year I tried to turn over a new leaf so to speak, and I’ve been better about watering. It got some new growth and looks fuller and healthier (it’s about 4 feet tall now), but it didn’t get a single blossom this year. Can I help it get over it’s difficult early years, and if so, how? I read that I should have fertilized in March, but I saw different information about what type of fertilizer to use.

    1. Reba*

      What’s the soil situation? I’d research what soil condition the pom tends to appreciate. Perhaps the tree is a little late to reach maturity due to its tough early life :)

      In general terms, many people like to fertilize first with a balanced formula and then switch to a flower-promoting one either at start of the blooming season or when the first signs of buds are seen.

      Good luck, I’d love to have a pomegranate!! brb going to research how they do in containers.

    2. Red Sky*

      I’ve basically neglected my pomegranate since I stuck it in the ground 6 years ago and it’s flowered every year except this one. I’m tempted to blame 2020, but when I researched it, they need a lot of light/sun exposure and we have a tree that has recently branched out to shade it a good part of the day, so that’s probably it. We live in central TX, some of our summers are mostly dry and miserably hot and I really didn’t water it at all after the first year getting established. Poms are pretty drought tolerant so I’m not sure that low watering would be an issue unless you’re really neglecting it. I don’t really fertilize (probably should), but do put down compost with chicken manure a couple times a year if/when I remember.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, this.
        When I worked in a nursery we told people that plants do not flower for two reasons- they either do not have enough light or they are planted too deeply.
        I’d start with these two considerations first.

  63. Home Printer*

    Home office aficionados, I just attempted to print out a bill and found that my brand-new printer cartridges are dried up YET AGAIN. Fed up and looking for recommendations for a home printer…online reviews are needle/haystacky.

    Criteria:

    –hardware connector and software interface that will work with both Mac and Windows
    –ink reservoirs that outlast the time it takes an atom to split
    –non-jamming multi-page scanning mechanism

    Names and models are fine, so as to not hang up URLs in approval. Much obliged!

    1. Rebecca*

      I ditched ink jet printers years ago. The ink costs are criminal. I’m fond of my simple Brother laser printer, cartridges are cheap, they seem to last a long time, I can print envelopes and on legal paper if I need to with the sheet feeder, and it doesn’t jam up. It doesn’t have a scanner, though, but other Brother models do. I hope this helps.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Seconded. I have a Brother DCP-L2540DW (yes, I had to go look) that is a laser print/scan/copy combo. I got it on Amazon about three years ago for $150 or so and I’m still on the print cartridge it came with. Never had any hiccups. I only use it wirelessly, but as far as I know it can be cable connected. It prints from all our devices, Mac and Windows computers, various phones and tablets too. It does a nice enough job that I printed my wedding invitations on it.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It does have the sheet feeder for multi page scanning and copying as well.

        2. Librarian beyond the Shelves We Know*

          We have this same model and absolutely love it. We’ve had it a couple years and are also still on the laser toner that came with it. We use it a LOT for the scanning capacity (trying to cut down on paper we keep), but the printer function is crisp, clear, and fast. I just wish we’d bitten the bullet and purchased a laser printer before, because we dealt with years and years of the ink jets with the drying up problem when we didn’t have to. Ugh, all that wasted money! :(

      2. BRR*

        I’m also happy with my brother laser printer. I believe laser printers don’t have the same issue of ink cartridges running out during non use (someone please correct me if I just made that up).

      3. Anxious cat servant*

        Another vote for a laser printer. I’ve yet to find an inkjet that didn’t dry out between printings.

      4. Natalie*

        Yep, the answer to this is laser printer. I still have the one my parents got me when I went to college about 15 years ago. It’s clunky, dirty, and that weird taupe color computers used to be, but it still works perfectly after long storage periods and we’re only on our third toner cartridge.

    2. Reba*

      We got an HP “neverstop” printer/scanner combo. We decided we could do without color printing and are happy with this one. I will note that it draws a LOT of power… like lights flickering in the home office when it’s running!

      1. Reba*

        Sorry, meant to say it’s a laser printer! Works well with both Mac and PCs in our house.

    4. tangerineRose*

      I’m going to be watching this thread. I bought a cheap-ish printer, and maybe since I don’t use it much, the first time I print anything for a while, the ink is too light, and I have to run the cleaner and print again.

    5. LuckySophia*

      I have a Brother “MFC” (Multi-Function Copier) combo B&W laser printer/scanner/copier/fax that I bought in 2012 (!!!) and it’s still chugging along fine. I did have to replace the drum unit this year *; other than that it’s just needed toner cartridges every so often….and it was an easy out-of-the box connection with my Mac network. It’s a good solid workhorse.
      * I think the drums are only supposed to last (typically) maybe 4 or 5 years so I was pretty happy I got 7 years out of mine!

    6. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Epson has the EcoTank (ET) series of printers that have ink tanks which you fill using bottles. They claim the ink will last 2 years. I bought one last fall and the tanks are still more than 80% full (there’s a window for each tank so you can see the ink level). I’ve been very happy with it so far.
      Years ago, I used to refill the ink cartridges on a Canon printer I had. There was an aftermarket refill kit where you drilled a little hole in the top of the cartridge, filled it with ink, and then put a plug in the hole. It worked great until the printer finally died. I bought another Canon printer but discovered they had put electronics in the cartridges that you couldn’t reset that told the printer the cartridge was empty, so refilling it wasn’t an option.

      1. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

        Oh, and it does work with Mac or Windows. I have a macbook for home and a windows laptop for work and both print just fine.

    7. Eng*

      Laser printers are bigger and more expensive than ink, and toner costs even more than ink to start with, but toner doesn’t dry out if you don’t use it (it’s actually dry to start with). I am no expert but if you don’t print very often I think there is just no way for you to stick with inkjet.

      I can’t commit to printing regularly so I bit the bullet and got a laser printer, Brother HL-L3270CDW. No complaints except for its size, and you could go smaller if you give up color. I haven’t had any issue with wireless setup and printing but have only used it with Windows so far.

      1. Observer*

        Actually, the toner on most laser printers is cheaper when you look at the per page costs, for black and white printers. The reason it’s not obvious is that most laser cartridges are a higher capacity, but once you do the math, you can see it.

        For color it’s a bit different – color lasers do have more expensive toner, and they are still not as high quality unless you go at the higher end.

    8. university minion*

      I had this problem and switched to a black and white laser printer a few years ago. It didn’t cost much more than an inkjet, and I don’t miss not having color. If I need something in color, generally I need it at a higher quality than a home printer can do anyway.

      1. allathian*

        Same here. I can’t imagine needing to print anything in color at home. All my elderly relatives are reasonably e-savvy, so digital photos are fine to share. I have used an online photo printing store to get paper copies of a few photos, and for a baby photobook and a toddler photobook of my son. They were fun to make and cool memories for him as he grows older. They were also much appreciated by his grandparents.

    9. Alaska_Blue*

      For a fix today, if you have a bottle of rubbing alcohol, pull the print cartridges, douse a q tip in rubbing alcohol, and wipe the part where the ink comes out. At least once, sometimes twice or more. The qtip will get colored with ink, which means it’s working. You might need to print twice when you print again, but this generally works for us.

      And yes, I am now considering a laser printer based on the other recommendations!

    10. Rick Tq*

      I had an Epson Actionlaser printer that ran until the rollers started to rot, then an HP OfficeJet color MFP laser printer (print/scan/fax) for a while but have gone to an HP MFP inkjet printer (OfficeJet Pro 8710). I haven’t had any issues with ink cartridges drying out.

      I saw a definite drop in my power bill going to inkjet, the fuser drum in a laser printer draws a lot of power.

      1. Observer*

        Newer laser jets us MUCH less electricity than the older ones. You probably would have seen a significant drop in use jut by buying ANY new printer.

    11. Beth Anne*

      I love my HP OfficeJet printer that uses the HP INSTANT INK program. I only pay $5-$15/month for anywhere from 100-500 prints a month. It’s plenty for what I need. It is cheaper than paying $100 every time I needed more ink which was at least every few months. It also keeps me out of staples so it’s a win-win saving money.

    12. Observer*

      Unless you print frequently, stay away from ink-jets. They dry up. Period.

      If you need color, that becomes a bit of a pain. But, for B&W, the cost per page is quote low. And if you never print large amounts, you don’t need such an expensive printer.

      Do you really need a multi-function unit? I’ve always kept my scanners and printers separate. It’s worked pretty well.

      For printers, I’ve had very good experience with HP. Scanner – Fujitsu has been my go to.

  64. tangerineRose*

    I have some trees that need some trimming, and some of the limbs are too thick for a clipper. I think I need something motorized, maybe like a small chainsaw, but hopefully with some safety guard or something on it? What do you think would be good? I’m a little nervous about this kind of thing, so I want to be very careful.

    1. fposte*

      How thick is thick? A manual pruning saw is a great thing; I’ve used it on probably up to 3″ diameter limbs.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Good question, and I’m not sure. I’m hoping 3″ or less in diameter. There might be one that’s about 4 or 5 inches.

    2. Laura H.*

      This isn’t too helpful but I’d consult a professional for this, and possibly hire one as well. Tree damage isn’t something you want to mess with.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I guess I’ll have to shop around. 1 guy gave me a quote of $500 for trimming 2 trees, which seems like a bit much.

        1. fposte*

          That’s likely to be what it would cost around here, and you wouldn’t get an arborist for a small job until fall. If you know how to cut properly and where the cuts should be this is something that should be DIYable, but with limbs that thick you’ll want to be very careful with where they fall as well. What’s the reason for the trimming, btw?

        2. Not So NewReader*

          If you have a neighbor who also needs work done, the two of you can ask together and perhaps get a discount. Here there is a standard discount of 10% if neighbors both request help. YMMV, of course.

    3. IntoTheSarchasm*

      We have a small electric chainsaw – it is small but powerful enough to handle any trimming that is within our capabilities. We have trimmed some pretty decent sized branches with it. It might take a little longer than a larger gas unit but we don’t want to mess with an engine and typically don’t require anything bigger.

    4. RC Rascal*

      I would consult a professional on this. If you over trim, you will damage the tree. If it dies, it costs $$$$ to remove. Some things aren’t worth trying to do yourself, and I say this as a DIYer.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      How big around are the limbs and how high up are they?

      I am not so much worried about you damaging the tree. It’s not hard to trim a few branches. If you want to you can cut half the branch and then make the final cut- so you can do this in steps if you choose.

      But the likelihood of getting clobbered by a large branch or getting messed up on a ladder is a concern.

      I have bought a couple WORX products and been happy with them. They suit me. WORX has chain saws and they have videos to help you decide. I have not tried their chain saws.

      If the branches are not very large, you might be able to cut them with loppers. This would avoid the whole chain saw discussion. Lopper give you more leverage than plain pruners.

      I recently bought a little saw – it’s a Ryobi from Home Depot. I have been told by a few people that this little battery operated saw could be used to cut small tree limbs. I am going to try it this summer for sure.

    6. Melody Pond*

      If you must tackle it yourself, I’d suggest heading to youtube and looking for Ask This Old House videos on pruning trees and removing limbs. Watch as many as you can find, they’re usually videos with Roger, the landscape contractor. I’ve seen several – and they were enough to make me realize that doing it correctly so that the tree can heal (and not get sick) is way more complicated than I would have thought.

  65. ocdStuff*

    I’ve got issues with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) (am on medication, have had therapy – therapy really hasn’t seemed to help much). One of the things I do sometimes is put an unpleasant thought onto a thing. Like, if I wear a certain shirt, I’m afraid X bad thing will happen. I’d like to come up with some very simple “ritual” kind of thing that could take off the unpleasantness on the shirt, etc. I know it sounds silly. I know that the OCD stuff isn’t real. I just want to figure out something that makes the OCD part of me relax and decide that the shirt (or whatever) is OK and safe now. Can you help with suggestions for how to undo the OCD thoughts that “stick” on stuff?

    1. Courageous cat*

      For me a lifetime of realizing that my luck has been my luck regardless of whether I did/wore/said/watched the right thing or not happened, has been enough for me to say to myself “this is my ocd – this won’t make a difference” and that kind of breaks the spell. Nothing that’s happened in my life good or bad has ever been tied to any part of my OCD and it took logically realizing that over many years to get there.

    2. Reba*

      Hi ocdStuff, sorry you are dealing with that. I have a suggestion that is rather more woo than I usually do. BUT it helped me a few years ago when I was living in a place that was a stressful burden to me. We got a “spell kit” from this cute, hipster, I think maybe slightly tongue-in-cheek shop called Haus Witch. (Yes, it is the kind of place that spells magick with a K, but is actually mainly about interior decor.) ANYWAY just setting myself to do the little mental exercise combined with the aromatherapy spray really did do something for my mental state. And then I would respray the room spray when I wanted to remember that resetting feeling.

      Anyway, this is to say, is scent or aromatherapy something you could see yourself being into? I wonder if mixing up a nice, clean-smelling blend that you could spray on the garments that you go through and mentally cleanse of the unpleasantness, could help. Or in your closet or bedroom. The scent could be a nice reminder that you have moved on from the stuff that sticks.

    3. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      This probably isn’t the answer you’re looking for, but that sounds like it would make the OCD worse, not better, as it would be a(nother) compulsion to act on. I mean that kindly and respectfully – it’s not silly, but it is part of OCD and not a solution.

      I’m sorry therapy hasn’t been helpful. Was it geared towards OCD in particular?

      The book Brain Lock helped me a lot with my OCD.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        I agree with this. A ritual is just going to feed the OCD troll. What works for me is to accept that the bad thing might happen and go about life as normal. It’s hard. You can also write down or say out loud how you’re feeling when you’re feeling anxious while wearing the shirt. Follow the feeling and thought all the way through to the end awfulness. What I find is that end awfulness often goes unspoken and almost subconscious so acknowledging it allows me to accept and face the risk.

      2. Almost Academic*

        Also agree with this comment. Adding in another ritual behavior in will likely feel good in the short term but make the OCD worse in the long term.

        Since you mentioned that you were not finding your therapist helpful, can I ask if you’re seeing one that specializes in OCD treatment? Specifically the treatments that have been proven to help are called exposure response prevention (ERP) and involve homework outside of therapy. If your therapist is not providing this treatment I highly encourage you to switch to someone who does, you may have better treatment results.

    4. Policy wonk*

      Sage has been used in cleansing rituals in various cultures. Maybe add some to the laundry when you next wash that shirt, stating your intention to cleanse the shirt of the unpleasantness attached to it as you add the sage.

    5. Unicornucopia*

      Something that’s worked for me would be to do something really fun or that makes me happy when first wearing the shirt for the first time in a while. So for a long sleeved shirt I dread, I waited until there was a snow day, and my family all played in the snow the whole day. After that, if I wore it and negative thoughts came, I would redirect my thoughts to the fun we all had in the snow and move on with my day.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Not the same but just a thought. When my husband passed, every shirt I pulled out of the drawer had a memory attached to it. So I had sadness plus I had annoyance with myself for assigning memories to each shirt.

      So what I did was I got rid of a few shirts that I actually disliked. I mean, I had wanted to lose these shirts for a while. And I got other new shirts or new-to-me shirts to mix in with the group. This way some days I wore the new stuff and some days I wore the old stuff. It did not take long for new memories to come into play and then I loosened up about the memories attached to the old shirts.

      I seriously recommend getting rid of clothes that you truly do not enjoy or you feel do not flatter you for specific reasons. The clothes I tossed were not really that flattering on me. I understand that this does not actually answer your specific question. But I also know how clothes can be laden with all kinds of stuff such as feeling ugly or feeling fat or feeling out of place. It’s not one feeling it’s dozens of feelings. Perhaps looking at your wardrobe and weeding out some items will help ease other concerns along the way or at least make the extent of your concerns clearer. For example if you find it is just this one shirt you have issue with- then get rid of it.

      I have had clothes issues because of [Reasons]. It has helped me to normalize cleaning my closet out once or twice a year and to get rid of a few things. It also helped me to get clothes at tag sales and consignment shops. If something doesn’t work out, I donate it and get something else. I think my underlying issue was that I worried too much about clothing costs and I felt I had to make everything work no matter how much I disliked it.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Don’t have OCD and know little about it, so this may or may not be helpful.

      When I used to act, I developed a mental ritual for separating myself from the negative emotions & experiences of a character. I played some really, really dark traumatic stuff, and would sometimes be unable to sleep afterward.

      I would just vividly imagine the character as a bodysuit that I could unzip, step out of, fold up, and put in a locked trunk until I needed it the next night. At first I would physically mime the unzipping, folding, etc. After a while it became just a mental “I need a moment” transition.

      Perhaps you could imagine those bad feelings or premonitions as a layer that can be pulled, brushed or shaken off, rather than something attached?

      Using ritualized movement or things like candles or incense to dispel negative emotions, or center oneself in positive thoughts, is a very ancient practice across many cultures.

  66. Lili*

    I’m looking for any advice on how people minimize Restless Leg symptoms at night. I just did all my blood workup, but am looking for lifestyle ways to control it before I can get back in and see my family doctor. I tried the warm bath, stretching, cuting out caffeine/booze/smoking to no avail.

    2. Houda*

      I have idiopathic ekbom willis and adhd so will spend hours shaking my leg. I drink indian tonic before bed because it has quinine (sp). I try to take a very high dose of magnesium an hour before bed if I can remember, and I use a body pillow or you can put a folded pillow between your knees if you are a side sleeper. It helps tremendously but I still would have my restless days

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Seconding the magnesium. I started taking it for blood pressure and sleep, but it’s recommended for restless leg. I got a powder from Whole Foods called Magnesium Fizz (WF brand) and I make a drink with it before bed. There’s also a brand called Calm that comes in a few different flavors. Recommended by the midwife I see for gym issues.

      2. Skeeder Jones*

        I was also going to recommend magnesium, but at twice the normal dosage. Most people really don’t understand how frustrating RLS is if they haven’t experienced it. It is simply awful, I call it an anxiety attack in my legs

    3. Might Be Spam*

      I wrap my leg or foot with a wide elastic bandage. Only tight enough to notice, and not too tight. You only want to distract your brain, not wrap it up like you would for a sprain. Experiment with location because sometimes one spot will work better than another. For me, it works well just above the knee or ankle. Generally I have it loose enough that it sometimes falls off during the night, but it’s OK because I have fallen asleep by that point.

      In winter, sometimes I use a heating pad with an automatic timer for about an hour. Not too warm, only enough to notice and distract your brain.

    4. Natalie*

      If you tend towards anemia, an iron supplement might help. Restless leg symptoms are a common anemia symptom.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Make an extra effort to stay hydrated, even if it means having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. The vitamin supplements recommended are good. You might consider a zinc supplement in addition t0, or in place of, the other recommendations. Curiously, I often find that the instructions for vitamin supplements will often recommend drinking various large amounts of water with the supplement and I wonder if the benefit might be coming from the water and not the pill itself.

      Sometimes wearing knee socks will help. Sometimes wearing compression knee socks will help.

      Sometimes using a muscle rub on your calves will help, something like “Icy Hot” or “Aspercreme.”

    6. WS*

      I developed RLS about 20 years ago after thyroid issues. Once the thyroid issues were settled, the RLS got somewhat better but is still going. Things that help: taking magnesium, iron and zinc supplements (I was deficient in all of those). To start with, I had to take 11 magnesium tablets a day (on my doctor’s advice!) for six months to get me back up to normal, but now I only take a double dose to maintain it. I also couldn’t keep up my iron levels and had to have an infusion, so make sure your doctor keeps an eye on that too..

      The other thing that helps is being hydrated, not just at bedtime but through the day. I don’t drink, but caffeine had no effect on my RLS.

    7. Bob*

      If the magnesium or other treatments don’t work your doctor (or a sleep specialist) may recommend medication. Some are a lot more dangerous then others, try to avoid dopamine agonists, they can lead to crazy side effects such as obsessive behaviour, compulsive gambling, hypersexuality, hallucinations and even psychosis. All the while you think your fine.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Magnesium, iron, an Epsom salts bath (which is a form of magnesium) and a weighted blanket.

  67. Faith*

    I really want to but a new sofa covering/slip cover. I haven’t had the best of luck. Anyone have one that they like?

  68. The Time Being*

    Tips for finding a good mechanic? The place I usually go to has dropped the ball three times running on a repair and I’m getting fed up and ready to look for someplace else. But I’m not certain how to look for a place that I can expect not to try and screw me over. Before I’ve just rolled the dice and gone with whatever’s close and offers online appointment booking, but I know there’s more to a good mechanic than that.

    2. Forrest Rhodes*

      Check the Car Talk website, in the Find A Mechanic section. Even though the program is no longer on the air (and I still really miss the Magliozzis), the website helped me find great mechanics in two different cities in two different states. Mechanics can’t pay to be listed there, by the way; it’s all customer recommendations, with reasons why.

      1. nep*

        It’s one of my favorite things in life. I still listen on the podcast. Tom & Ray are the best. Sad that Tom’s gone.

    3. Lcsa99*

      When we moved we used Yelp to find our new mechanic. Well, to be more precise, we noticed one in the area and looked them up on yelp. But either way, you can definitely get information there.

    4. nep*

      Same–first thing that came to mind was Car Talk. Pretty sure they still have the feature of listing mechanics across the country.

  69. Policy wonk*

    Do you have Consumer Checkbook in your area? It’s like a local Consumer Reports. We’ve had good luck finding good service providers based on its recommendations.

  70. Mazzy*

    So last week I got good tax help. I have another question that I’ve been googling, and it’s like I am the first person who’s ever had this issue. Tax preparers, where are you!

    OK, so I buy stocks in small chunks. Southern Company (SO), for example. My question is about qualified or ordinary dividend status. I know what the difference is. My issue is, I did sell all of my shares in a few companies, because I think we’re in a huge market bubble again (please don’t tell me to ride the waves and things go up over the long term, I strongly believe that is not the case right now, I think the media and market are in denial about how bad the economy is). So I owned 50 shares of SO for the entire holding period, meaning they’re 100% qualified dividends, but the other 20, I think I owned less than the holding period. Ameritrade just calls everything that could possibly be “qualified,” qualified. They don’t split out one portion of the dividends that should be ordinary and the portion that should be qualified.

    My question is, does the IRS do that math, and say, “hey, while you did own most of these shares for more than 60 days during the holding period, you didn’t own some of the shares long enough, therefore, you’re lying on your return by calling them all qualified.”

    1. fposte*

      I’m not quite sure what’s being described here. On the 1099-DIV, Ameritrade should have a Box 1a and a Box 1b. Are the numbers in those boxes the same? 1a should be larger than 1b if you have non-qualified dividends, and therefore 1a-1b is what’s taxed as ordinary income. And yes, you need to represent the dividends accurately to the IRS; otherwise you’re falsely claiming a favorable tax rate on them.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Seconding this. What does your 1099-DIV say? (Do you have a 1099-DIV for these stocks?) Whatever your 1099-DIV reflects, you should enter it accurately in whatever tax software you’re using – and that should be correct.

        The IRS is unlikely to “do the math” unless they are doing a full audit on you. But — submitting something where your inputs on your return do not match your 1099-DIV ( the IRS will always receive a direct copy of this from the payor, e.g., Ameritrade) is one of the top ways to trigger at least the basic audit, where they send you a letter asking for more documentation.

    2. Enough*

      Found this. I will put the link in reply. The dividends (at least some) may be qualified for the short term stock.

      Qualified Dividends

      Meeting the minimum holding period is the primary requirement for dividends to be designated as qualified. For common stock, shares must be held for more than 60 days throughout the 120-day time period, which begins 60 days before the ex-dividend date. Preferred stock must have a holding period of at least 90 days during the 180-day time period that begins 90 days before the stock’s ex-dividend date.

    3. Impska*

      The IRS absolutely does not do the math. The IRS computer matches the 1099 from Ameritrade to your tax return and does not second guess Ameritrade. Real humans who work at the IRS are not interested in this.

    4. The Time Being*

      AFAIK the IRS is not likely to get on your case about this. Even if Ameritrade doesn’t report the dividend status correctly, the difference (especially on just 20 shares) is pretty negligible. And as Enough pointed out, the holding period for qualified dividends is pretty short.

      FWIW, Ameritrade should absolutely be reporting your dividend qualified/non-qualified status correctly. That is information they have and are responsible to provide, just like wash sale information. This is a standard expectation for any broker-dealer and if they’re not giving you that, you might want to consider looking for another BD to move to.

  71. Tea.Earl Grey. Hot.*

    This week I’ve been paying close attention to events across the USA, and it sparked something I’ve been ruminating on that I’d like the commentariat’s thoughts on.

    Many have touted the importance of “listening” and “being a good listener.” I’ve been trying to do just that for years now, but this past week I’ve been seeing things that rail against those who are “staying silent.” So, my question is, what is the difference, in your mind, between “listening” and “staying silent”?

    1. lazy intellectual*

      One thing you can do is amplify the voices of people who DO know what they are talking about and give them platforms (in this case, Black activists and public figures). The way you do this varies significantly in terms of what resources you have access to. Basically, what I’ve been doing as of late is following news updates and educating myself on the stances of Black activists and grassroots organizations that represent them (BLM). I’ve been retweeting/sharing on social media informative posts and donation and petition links.

      In terms of listening, I’m making sure to stay tuned into current events and what these interest groups are suggesting when it comes to improving our law enforcement and legislation they support. I’m calling my Senators and Representatives regarding these issues.

      Basically, act, but take guidance from these people.

      1. Tea.Earl Grey. Hot.*

        Thanks, this is helpful. I’ve been doing the same thing – sharing posts with resources/ideas that are important to boost right now (everything from the ideas of Black activists to ways to support black-owned businesses and cultural orgs), donating and calling elected officials to repeal laws that are harmful to the public in how they obfuscate disciplinary processes and things. I guess I was talking about on a more one-to-one basis – trying to give the people I care about a safe space to share their thoughts/feelings but not make them feel obligated to do that if they don’t want to. Really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts.

    2. Overeducated*

      I read a great book last year that really helped me reframe my thinking on this – “I’m Still Here” by Austin Channing Brown. It didn’t give me the answer, but it gave me better questions. I am trying to think less in terms of “what should a good white person do?” or “what should I do if I want to be a good ally?” and more in terms of “what would make my Black friends and colleagues feel more welcome, supported, and comfortable right now?” If I can’t think of something to say or do that I think would actually do that, or if it’s more about me wanting to say the right thing, it may not be a good time to talk. If I have some support to offer one on one, or want to share something I personally found useful or eye opening with my larger circles, then I speak up. And I give money and go to protests.

      As I share this, I acknowledge how bad it is that I did (and still do!) need to reframe from “what is the right thing for ME to do or say” to trying harder to center the feelings of others, but Brown’s book really helped me unpack a lot of assumptions I didn’t know I was making. And the fact that she wrote it probably means I’m not the only one.

      1. Red Sky*

        Thank you for the book rec; my library carries 10 copies of the ebook and there are currently 98 holds! Don’t usually see those types of numbers unless it’s a top ten NYT fiction bestseller.

      2. Tea.Earl Grey. Hot.*

        Oh, thank you so much for the book rec – I placed it on a library hold.

        “I am trying to think less in terms of “what should a good white person do?” or “what should I do if I want to be a good ally?” and more in terms of “what would make my Black friends and colleagues feel more welcome, supported, and comfortable right now?” If I can’t think of something to say or do that I think would actually do that, or if it’s more about me wanting to say the right thing, it may not be a good time to talk.”

        Thank you – this makes so much sense. I really appreciate the insight.

    3. Star*

      So, my question is, what is the difference, in your mind, between “listening” and “staying silent”?

      Who’s in front of you.

      Is someone talking about bigotry they’ve experienced and how they have seen patterns of bigotry operate? Listen. Don’t tell them “I never experienced this so it must not happen.” Listen to what they’re saying and try to understand their viewpoint.

      Is someone treating another person in a bigoted manner or trying to bond with you using bigoted comments? Don’t silently stand by and let this go on.

      This is a very very tiny chip off the top of the vast iceberg of this subject, but it’s what came to mind when I was thinking about your question.

      3. Tea.Earl Grey. Hot.*

        Thank you so much. This is all very valuable and I will keep practicing this. I was just contemplating if there was a step I missed, so this is extremely helpful.

    4. LGC*

      To answer your question: Context.

      Listening is important when it’s people from disadvantaged groups talking about the issues they face. For example, as a cis man, it’s important for me to listen when women and trans* people talk about the issues they face. More important, it’s on me to take in those lessons (with the caveat that no one truly speaks for their entire group).

      Speaking up is important when it’s people doing things that uphold structural bias (I am specifically straying away from the “r” word because it’s not just societal racism – it’s homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, anti-Semitism, xenophobia, anti-Muslim bias…). To put this back on me, it’s also on me – and I’ll admit that I’m not good enough at this – to speak up when one of my friends says something that expresses bias.

      To answer why you’ve been seeing things that rail against “staying silent”: Many Black activists have been frustrated that white (and POC) allies have been expressing quiet support for BLM…but haven’t felt comfortable raising their voices with them. (And I’ll admit that this might have been miscommunication! Like, I’ll admit, I get the same feelings sometimes about gender issues, where I feel like because I’m a cis man my opinion is ignorant and invalid.) A lot of the slogans are snappy and rough, but to use the relevant one (“silence is violence”) – it is necessary to listen, but not sufficient.

      To go back to my example, I can educate myself all I want about gender issues (and honestly, I should educate myself more), and I definitely shouldn’t tell women and trans* people what they shouldn’t (or should) find offensive. But if I don’t add my voice in support, especially in male spaces where women and trans* people aren’t listening, then I’m just helping to uphold the current power structures.

    5. Bex*

      In my opinion, listening is active. Make sure the person that you are listening to knows they are being heard. Thank them. Acknowledge them.

    6. RagingADHD*

      To me, part of listening well is

      a) recognizing that different people have different needs at different times. I am not getting mixed messages – I am getting messages from different people.

      b) respecting the fact that grief involves anger. I can’t assuage that anger by doing everything “right,” because the anger is far bigger than me and isn’t about anything I personally did, or that I can singlehandedly fix.

      c) elevating other people’s voices above my own on things like public social posts, but communicating directly with friends & neighbors who express the need for support.

      The world doesn’t need my eloquent opinion. My friends do need to know I’m here & see them.

  72. Pomona Sprout*

    Has anyone been to a hair salon yet? They’re opening up in my state, and my hair is driving me totally nuts, so on one hand, it’s very tempting (but on the other hand, the thought makes me … nervous).

    To give you the full picture, I normally keep my hair in a very short pixie cut and have done so for years, partly because I have no hairstyling skills to speak of, and partly because I just find it more comfortable that way, especially in warmer weather (which is finally here, in my neck of the woods).

    At this time of year, I normally have “baby bangs,” with the sides and back clippered nice and short, and the whole thing nicely layered and blended. My last haircut was almost 4 months ago, which is almost 3 times as long as I’d normally go. My “baby bangs” have now reached a stage that more closely resembles a badly behaved toddler, too long to stay out of my face and too short to do anything with (and trying to cut them myself is out of the question; please see “no hairstyling skills to speak of,” above). The sides and back are shaggy and uneven, and all the layers growing out have turned my (extremely thick) hair into a bulky, shapeless mass.

    Basically, I hate the way my hair feels right now. There are exactly 2 ways I like my hair: 1) short enough to stay out of my face and off my neck or 2) long enough to keep it off my face and neck by tying it back or putting it up. It’s way past choice 1 right now, and many months away from choice 2. I have been using barrettes to keep my bangs under control and tucking the partially grown out bits on the sides behind my ears, but I can’t do a thing about the hair at the nape of my neck.

    Sorry to go on at such length. Since we can’t post pics here, I’m trying to paint one with words! Ironically enough, my hair doesn’t LOOK totally terrible (to anyone but me, ha); it’s truly the way it feels that’s about to drive me around the bend and right into a hair salon!

    I have found a salon that seems to be doing its best to follow proper safety precautions, such as requiring stylists and customers to wear masks, wiping things down frequently, providing hand sanitizer and wipes, etc. (Otherwise, I wouldn’t consider going at all.) But I’m having a hard time giving myself “permission” to go. My state has been gradually coming out out of a long period of everything but “essential” businesses being shut down and put very clear guidelines in place for those that are being allowed to open, but I feel sort of… guilty, I guess? about the fact that I’m even considering taking the risk of getting my hair cut, no matter how small it might be.

    Any thoughts? (Please bear in mind that a salon is truly my only option for a haircut, even a bang trim, and that my hairstyling skills truly rudimentary,)

    1. Overeducated*

      I think you could go if it is important to you. We are starting to make our own allowances as we assess risk. Maybe this is yours and you stay strict in other areas.

      That said, my husband cut my hair from shoulder length to short pixie based on a YouTube video a couple weeks ago, and I LOVE it. There are good video tutorials. And it’s short bangs, so they will grow out fast if it goes wrong. There’s not much harm in experimenting now, might be fun to try!

    2. Dear liza dear liza*

      Fellow pixie wearer here! Same experience- and caution- as you. I picked a salon that was doing more than most, and got it cut super short. I understand the reluctance and the guilt. I’m trying to minimize my interactions, so since I went to get my hair cut, I’ll get groceries delivered. Trade offs help me pick steps and assuage my concern that I’m on a slippery slope to Open Everything.

    3. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      I haven’t (they’re closed here) but I’ve been to the optician and osteopath out of necessity and it’s been fine. Take sensible precautions and it’ll be ok!

    4. Trixie*

      Fellow pixie cut here! My local salons are open as well and I have yet to make an appointment. My situation sounds similar to yours, in that it’s acceptable but that’s about it. I think I’ll check the salon’s social media page and see how they are handling suggested protocols. Plus, I wouldn’t mind see my person just to give her a big tip since she job was so impacted.

      Pixie cuts are fantastic during the humid summer and for less frequent shampoos. At this point, I may go in for a trim (dead ends/style) but otherwise so how long I can get it. Since I’m working from home and pretty much sheltering in place for a while, it’s as good a time as any. My regular preferred stylist is across the country so until I can travel to visit friends and family, this could be controlled experiment. I was just telling someone today how much easier pixies are to maintain because I hate dealing with hair dryers, smoothing serums, etc. and have for 20 years. It’s just a commitment to maintain the length.

    5. ThatGirl*

      My husband got his hair cut this week, though a barber shop is a little different. I have an appointment set for two weeks from now. I understand how you feel because my hair hasn’t been past my chin in years, and was pretty short the last two years. I did want to grow it back out a little, but it still needs trimming and shaping to look good. I decided between their precautions and mine, it would be OK. I am not seeing friends or getting my nails done or anything else except going to the grocery store.

    6. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      If you don’t go now, how long are you prepared to wait? You are going to need a haircut sometime, unless you are planning on waiting till a vaccine is in mass distribution. Maybe you are going now, maybe you are giving it another month or two, but I doubt you want to be rocking the super shaggy pixie come January.

      Your might want to consider a lower maintenance haircut though, so you don’t have to go to the salon as frequently.

      1. Anon for this*

        It’s a calculation. Risk/reward. Everyone is different. I risked going into the doctor for a cortisone injection because I was in pain and the reward outweighed the risk. A friend risked going into 7 different stores to get a specific brand of diet soda. For her the reward outweighed the risk. I have friends who are also in pain and still haven’t gone to the doctor. I have friends who would have gone to 15 stores in search of that soda. Only you can figure out if the reward is worth the risk.

        My hair salon called and went through what they are doing to mitigate disease transmission and it’s more stringent than what our state requires. I may go. I made an appointment and have nearly canceled it 5x. So far it’s still on. I told her if I go, I don’t want a shampoo or the styling. Like Pomona Sprout, my hair is in a bad state and it looks like hell. But I may cancel because I don’t know if the reward of looking and feeling good is worth the risk.

    7. LibbyG*

      In my state they aren’t doing shampoos in salons, and if I were getting my pixie back, I think I’d only be there for maybe 20 min tops? Time is one determinant of exposure risk.

    8. Librarian to Doctor*

      When I go, I plan to go with wet hair, get cut, and get out. No styling, no hairwashing, no chitchat. In and OUT. And cut around my mask. I’m not quite ready yet, but the day will come.

    9. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You could just do a buzz cut with trimmers and a longer guard… (probably joking)
      Also, you could leave the hair alone and wrap all of it up into a scarf/turban/something to contain it.

      I know in Illinois hairstylists are starting open back up. The list of what they’re doing is impressive, including everyone is wearing a mask the entire time.

    10. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Fellow short-hair wearer here – I feel like I have a ton of hair on my head and yet its too long to do anything with but too short to tie back. I don’t know when my usual guy is going to open up again (hair salons are not open in the UK yet, maybe July 4 supposedly) and I am too nervous to have partner cut mine as my stylist does something very specific with it that I’ve yet to see anyone else replicate. I also have a head that (to me at least) seems disproportionately small compared to my body, so any sort of turban or wrap just does NOT look good. Hairbands it is!

      However, for your salon question, think of it this way – right now is the point at which people are going to be at their most aware, and the infected rate likely the lowest. So why not go now when the salon is still being very assiduous about cleanliness and mask wearing, and most customers are just emerging from their homes, rather than in a few weeks when people may start to let their guard down or, heaven forbid, another spike sends everyone back home for weeks?

    11. allathian*

      I haven’t been to a salon yet either. My hair’s an overgrown page cut, so longer than a pixie but the bangs are a problem. I’ve been using a cloth/elastic barrette, but I keep needing to redo it every so often. I think I would be comfortable going to a salon now, I’ve already been once to get my facial hair removed. I’d been sheltering in place at home for two months by then and the hair on my face was making me feel awful, so I decided that I needed to do it for my own mental health. My issue is that my hairstylist works near my office and I’m not comfortable commuting on public transit yet.
      My husband has shaved his hair off for almost as long as I’ve known him, he started going bald in his early twenties. He’s also good with trimming our son’s hair, but I haven’t let him touch mine yet.
      If I get really desperate I suppose I could trim my bangs, but I really want to grow them out so that I can cut down on how often I need to go to the hairdresser in future.

    12. Middle School Teacher*

      I went. I had to wear a mask the whole time, and so did the stylist. There were no magazines, and I couldn’t bring a coffee with me. There are usually three stylists working there but for now they’re working one at a time. It was a good experience. I chopped off about 6” and I feel so so much better.

  73. Lost in the Woods*

    Ankle strengthening tips? I’ve been ramping up my running milage recently, and I also just went back to work in person two weeks ago and have been on my feet a lot more. I always do ankle circles before I run, but I’ve been getting a lot of nasty ankle pain (only one side) in the past week. I also started breaking in a pair of shoes about two weeks ago, but they’re exactly the same style as my old ones and I’ve been careful to alternate runs with the old pair. Clearly I need to step up my game. Any good exercises? Tips on form? Anything that could be causing this that I’ve missed?

    1. nep*

      I like ankle-strengthening exercises with resistance bands–the simple, wide bands. Have the band wide across forefoot. You can work your muscles all around the ankle by holding the band (or having someone else hold it) in different directions.

    2. BikeLover*

      Stand on one foot when you brush your teeth. One in the am and the other at night. It really strengthens your ankles as well as your balance.

      Make sure you’re increasing your mileage slowly (10% a week isn’t too slow, especially if you’re hurting).

      1. fposte*

        I *love* the standing on one foot. Another way it’s helpful is that often soreness lower in a leg is because of weakness higher up, usually the glutes, and it’ll strengthen the glutes as well. Don’t let the hip sag to the side when you do it.

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        I’m trying to do about 10% a week, for the express purpose of avoiding injury! It’s just very frustrating, since every time I start to get up closer to my goal distances (half marathon and 10 milers, currently only having run 5 & 10K races) I either get really sick or get injured.

    3. Recent Grad*

      Spelling out the alphabet in all capital letters with your toes pointed is a great way to gently add some strength to your ankles.

    4. Ranon*

      Balance work generally is a great way to strengthen ankles. A good progression is: Standing on one foot, standing on one foot with your eyes closed, standing on one foot with eyes closed and head back, standing on one foot on an unstable surface like a pillow, adding eyes closed variants as you go.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        The thing is – I was a classical ballet dancer for years and years all the way through high school (I’m a recent college grad), and I can actually do all of that. I thought I had really strong ankles and feet before I started having a problem.

        1. Effie*

          Tendues or echappes with leg bands around the ankles? Those are hard for me, and I’m also a former longtime classical ballet dancer (I have resistance bands at 4 different strengths).

        2. Ranon*

          Given that the pain is also asymetric it might be worth paying attention to whether there’s something upstream that’s aggravating the ankle, particularly if you otherwise feel confident in your ankle strength. Knee thing, inactive glute, one leg slightly different length than the other?

          1. Reba*

            This is where I was thinking — how is your tibialis anterior?
            When I have ankle issues I often need some work higher up.

    5. acmx*

      How old are the old shoes? Check the soles and see how worn they are. If you have any flat spots (or uneven wear) I wouldn’t wear them anymore and stick with the new ones only.

          1. Lost in the Woods*

            I am not super good about keeping track of miles on shoes. Something to work on.

            1. acmx*

              I alternate pairs and 6 months is roughly my 300 miles. My typical run is 3 miles 3-5x per week.

              I only recently started tracking and I do it by pen and paper (but I also sorta journal my runs despite having a running watch.) But running apps and watches can track your shoe mileage, too.

    6. Stephanie*

      Try calf raises: just go from flat on your feet to rising up on your toes. Do multiple sets (maybe start with three sets of ten and work up from there). You can gradually work toward standing on a foam pad or folded towel and do them, too.
      Focus on stretching your calves, too. Before and after you run. (It’s all connected, and you would be surprised how much tight calves can effect your ankles and feet.) I like the calf stretch where you put your hands on a wall and one foot extended behind you and lean in until you feel the stretch. You can also stand on a step with your heels hanging off the step and sink your heels. (You can do this one foot at a time, too.)
      Good luck!

    7. Koala dreams*

      Raise your feet up to stand on the toes and back down again. Walking up stairs (not down, up is best). Do some stretching exercises if you feel stiff. Maybe you need an additional resting day in the week, when you don’t run but do some calmer exercise (walking, weigh lifting?).

    8. University Minion*

      Run on non-pavement! It doesn’t need to be technical trails, just a bit less regular terrain to build up all those stabilizing muscles. I have one really crunchy, more or less permanently sprained ankle and this is how I keep things strong.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        I do! I run 4-5 days a week, and one of my regular routes is a parkway. One of the reasons this is mega frustrating is I feel like I’ve been doing everything right. I was in such a good groove!

    9. Hi there*

      I agree that it is time to get rid of your old shoes. Have you changed anything else in the past few months? I was having a high hamstring problem, and it took me a while to realize that my home office set-up was making it worse. (I have been sitting at our home bar in work from home time. Now I mostly stand.) I was also walking around the neighborhood in my hiking boots to give my feet and legs nice support and didn’t realize it was time to replace those. So every walk in my hiking boots was making it worse. Good luck!

    10. Peter*

      Are you running on roads with a camber? If I follow the same route too often I find that my right ankle hurts from running on the rhs of a road which falls away to my right.
      Is there a quieter route that allows you to run in the middle of the road?

  74. Shopping for earrings*

    Is anyone into the curated ear trend? Or have a favorite place to shop for tiny earrings? Preferably sterling silver. (Other than amazon, target, Etsy, bauble bar). Looking for someplace new. Thanks.

    1. Sunset Maple*

      Are you looking for standard lobe earrings, or labrets/clickers/gauges/etc. for cartilage?

      For cartilage, I love bodyartforms. Their search function lets you sort by material, which helps me find implant-grade titanium products for my fussy tragus and rook piercings. They’re also a sister-owned business that’s really good about (still-sealed) returns.

    2. Laura H.*

      A company called James Avery has some very cute petite ear post type earrings (~$50-60). And they sell plenty of other sterling silver pieces too- and it’s nickel free. Google “James Avery Jewelry” and you should be able to find it. I’m particularly fond of the Starry Night Ear Posts.

      I don’t have pierced ears, but if I did, those would be on my list.

  75. Overeducated*

    Do you wise commenters have any advice on deciding between buying an older home that may need some work vs new construction (which always has the reputation of being “shoddy”)? I’m sure a great deal has to do with the specifics of the older home, but I’m interested in the pitfalls of buying new.

    (FYI, I asked this time last year about buying at the top of my budget vs continuing to rent. After another year of renting and the strain of pandemic life in a falling apart apartment, I am DONE, and we’ve decided to move to a lower cost of living area on a commuter rail line thanks to expanded telecommuting. Thanks for all your advice last year.)

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I think for new construction it is all about the builder’s reputation. There is still high quality new construction, and while it’s true it’s usually in custom homes, that isn’t always the case. A really good realtor should be able to tell you what is good new construction and what is bare bones or shoddy. I also wouldn’t hesitate to ask for references from the builder! And even for new construction, a home inspection is a must. The thing I have learned about buying a house is you don’t necessarily just want a home inspection, especially for an older home you might want to get for instance a roofer out to look at it or a chimney person, but it depends on the house. For instance, I wish I had an independent HVAC person look at my house before I bought it because the home inspector said it was in good condition but at of life span and then it completely blew out the week after we closed on the house.

    2. Thursday Next*

      I asked a similar question last week, and got some great feedback. You might want to check that thread!

      1. Overeducated*

        Ah, thanks, but I couldn’t follow last week as i couldn’t load the post! No idea whether it was the content or the ads, as this week’s is behaving better for me. Maybe if i try from a computer….

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I read and actually bookmarked that thread for future reference. I was really surprised at the drawbacks of newly built homes, so it was a really interesting read!

    3. acmx*

      To me, pitfalls of a newer home is that it’s usually in a planned community so the houses all look similar and have an HOA (look into the fees: are they monthly or yearly? How much and how often do they increase? Other things such as whether or not you can rent out your house or how many houses can become rental properties may matter to you). I prefer older, established neighborhoods (like 1960s or earlier) without an HOA. I appreciate being able to paint my front door purple if I want.

      For a newly built home, you go through the house and create a punch list: items that the builder will correct before closing.

      For any age home, you can request home warranty from the seller.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        You can ask for both a home inspection and a punch list. It just has to go into the contract that you are asking for both.

      2. Overeducated*

        A single family home with an HOA seems like the worst of all worlds to me: all the limits, none of the outsourced responsibility. I would consider a new townhouse with an HOA that covered things like grounds maintenance and maybe a community pool, though. I have very little interest in lawn care. The issue for me with those developments is geography – walkability and public transit are important to me, and they tend to be in more suburban loopy settings.

        We may also look at a new build that’s just on a random empty lot with no HOA though.

    4. university minion*

      I am team “Older House”. I look for one that hasn’t been molested too badly with trendy-at-the-time remodels, but has had regular maintenance of important systems. As a house ages, build quality becomes more and more apparent. It may be cosmetically dated, but is still solid. One that’s not built well… you can polish a turd, but it’s still a turd.
      The trouble with new houses is that unless you’re doing a high end custom build, what is one of the largest purchases of your life is just another commodity tract house to the ones building it. In other words, to you or I, $300k (or whatever) is a ton of money and if I’m spending a that much, it damn well better be right. To a builder, though, that same $300k is a starter house that needs to get put up as quickly and cheaply as possible so they can get on to the next one. Only time will tell if your house got built by folks who gave a damn or not.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks. I think this is the general opinion I’ve heard. What is the line you draw in terms of “regular maintenance of important systems,” like what level of issues/needed repairs would you be willing to take on in an older home to offset the unknown quality of a new one? I think this is the tradeoff we may be looking at.

        1. university minion*

          Replacing a furnace or similar expensive, one-time repairs that don’t involve a bunch of demolition – would totally do it and not bat an eye.
          Removing/replacing wiring throughout the house – it would have to be one hell of a house, but most likely not.
          Somewhere in between – rotting ends of trusses and/or termite damage. Can usually be fixed without taking the whole house apart, but you never really know until you’re in there.

        2. university minion*

          One last one – construction materials that used to be commonplace but are now known to be hazardous. They’re not as scary as they often are made out to be. Asbestos siding or vinyl asbestos flooring can be left in place if in good condition or left in place and covered over if not. Removing is is where you get into (expensive) abatement territory. Same with lead paint. 99% of the time, the solution is “paint over it”. Yes, removing it is an expensive, hazardous, time consuming job, however most of the time actual removal is not necessary.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I am an older home person. My number one reason for this opinion initially came from watching new home buyers absolutely fall apart over the slightest thing being wrong with their new build. The drama!

      But also running here is that I just like the character of older homes.

      1. Overeducated*

        Aesthetically I totally agree, but I’m not sure my budget buys me much character around here!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My budget didn’t buy much aesthetic either, ha!
          I ended up with something that is pretty Plain Jane but it has good bones. I could see that if we worked at it, it would be a cute little house.
          I chose this house because –
          —it would work into something later on
          —it had many things that were on our list- garage, laundry room near the kitchen, all on one floor, etc.
          —it was in the best condition of any thing we had seen in our price range
          — many of the majors had been updated- roof, furnace, etc. I could see that we would not have a big bill right away because of a sudden problem.

          It was a bit of a long road to find this house. The road was tiring and sometimes I cried because I thought we’d never find anything.

          So here I am 28 years later. The other day a friend told me I had the nicest looking house on my street. (Eh, maybe/may be not, but I sure love my friend for her encouraging words.)

          1. Overeducated*

            Aww, that’s so nice! We are trying to buy in an area that’s much further out and less wealthy so we will actually have the money to make small improvements over time as well, instead of spending it all on the down payment and mortgage payments. I think it’s smart to try to avoid major repairs like new roofing right out the gate as well.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I live in an older home. Built in the 1940s I think.

      The biggest problem I see with it is that our pipes are tiny and there’s constant worry of clogging and flooding.

      I read last week’s thread about newly built homes, and was surprised that new homes could have so many issues. Maybe it is area-dependent, I’m not sure. Both mine and my husband’s siblings live in newly constructed homes that are amazing (according to them). no issues with plumbing or electricity or anything of the sort. Two of my husband’s siblings have bought and sold multiple homes over hte last decade or so so it seems they’re well versed on homes and construction. My siblings are in PNW and my in-laws are in the Toronto suburbs if that matters.

  76. Pharmgirl*

    Any suggestions for replacing grits in shrimp and grits? Whole Foods prime delivery didn’t have it, and neither did my local Trader Joe’s (which is the only in person shopping I’m doing). I otherwise have all the ingredients for it and am really craving the dish – but I have no idea what to use instead.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Couscous? Or some other mild-flavored porridge-type thing, like Cream of Wheat? Or polenta might do…

    7. CoffeeforLife*

      I know I’m echoing, but I use TJs polenta logs for my shrimp and grits I break them apart and add my liquids to cook down and flavor them. Other bases: rice, amaranth, cream of wheat, orzo, risotto, oatmeal (eh)

      1. Pharmgirl*

        That was my plan, but I went a bit late in the day and that entire section including pasta was pretty wiped out. I do have rice so maybe I can do more of a gumbo or something.

    8. sequined histories*

      creamy buckwheat hot cereal–very similar texture, mild taste–surprisingly similar to grits

    9. Anono-me*

      Is there someone in your friends and family circles that is geographically close to you, but who shops at a different store? If so, it might be worth asking them if they could order some grits or polenta for you?

      My friends and I have done this a number of times. We just keep track and we’ll settle up when this is over (unless it’s a big ticket item). And we do do socially distant drop-off / pickups.

  77. Shrunken Hippo*

    Does any one know of a dry shampoo that doesn’t smell like the entire perfume counter? I’ve tried batiste’s lightly scented one and it’s still pretty potent. My scalp only likes shampoo once a week so dry shampoo is a god-send, but the smells drive me nuts!

    2. Sara(h)*

      You can find unscented ones online. I’ve tried a few, and I like Tresemme and Dove. I did NOT like “Not Your Mother’s Clean Freak” brand — didn’t work well. I’ve also made my own with cornstarch, cocoa powder, and bentonite clay.

      1. Vic tower*

        I like khlorane which to me has very little smell, not sure if they have it where you are though

      2. Filosofickle*

        Interesting, Clean Freak works really well for me when most don’t. Klorane is my favorite, the powder non-aerosol. As noted below, very little scent.

    3. Reba*

      Hask! I love this stuff. There are a few varieties, and the two I’ve tried both have mild to no scent. I get them at Bed Bath and Beyond (which merged with Harmon in my region, idk if all BBBs carry a lot of beauty stuff).

  78. Chaordic One*

    I thought I would provide a follow-up to my problems with ants in my apartment. Someone recommended “Yankee Candle” eucalyptus candles, but only “Yankee Candle” and only the eucalyptus ones. In my area, none of the stores that carry “Yankee Candle” carried eucalyptus ones. You could buy them online for more than $20.00 which seemed a bit spendy, so I gave up on that idea.

    Someone recommended sprinkling cinnamon on the ant paths, which I did, but it didn’t do anything.

    I also tried Raid ant baits. A few ants walked in and apparently ate the poison and died, but basically it didn’t do very much.

    Someone recommended EcoLogic Ant & Roach Killer which contains ingredients that are nontoxic to people and most pets. This actually worked for a couple of days, but then the ants came back. It also stained some of the caulking that I had used to fill cracks between my window frames and walls. Maybe I should have reapplied it, but I didn’t.

    Another person recommended borax. I wasn’t sure what to do with the borax so it turns out that you have to create a borax bait by either mixing the borax with powdered sugar or borax with regular sugar and water, which you either sprinkle or leave out in a low container for the ants to take back to their next where they eat it and feed it to their queen who also eats it and they all die. It seemed like a lot of work and it turns out that borax is the main ingredient in Terro ant baits, so I tried Terro instead.

    These are hard to open up. The instructions said you could just twist the top off to open them, but I needed to use a scissors to open them. After you do open them be careful not to spill the liquid contents. You place them flat on a flat surface. These really attracted ants. For several days there was a steady stream of ants into and out of the baits. Then the stream petered out. However, there were still a few ants running around after that so I don’t think these ultimately worked very well.

    In the end I broke down and used a chemical insecticide. I ended up using “Ortho Home Defense” which is supposed to not leave a residue and to create a barrier which will repel ants for up to 6 months or so. The ads show the bottle coming with a wand applicator, but the wand only came with a large $20.00 bottle of the product. The smaller bottle I bought came with a spray applicator which worked O.K. I sprayed along the base of my kitchen cupboards and along the mopboards where floor meets the walls in my kitchen.

    It did have a noticeable odor for about 3 hours afterwards and I think it made me kind of sick for a short while. I just sort of felt weird. Maybe it was psychosomatic. But it seems to have worked. No ants since spraying the Ortho, and not just in the kitchen, but no ants anywhere else in the apartment either. I had seen quite a few in the bathroom, in the living room and some in one of the two bedrooms.

    1. nep*

      Have you tried tea tree oil? Some people can’t take the smell of it. Anyway I have found that it is deterring the ants that normally make a home of my bathroom this time of year.

    2. Rebecca*

      It’s interesting that you mentioned the Terro baits, I just got some and Mom absolutely couldn’t open them. II had a hard time, and had I known they were just borax, I would have just mixed up more of that (like I did last year). I forbade Mom from using ant stuff from the 1970’s as it has arsenic or something in it, I was like – um, no, this is NOT good. I made sure the cap was on tight and hid it from her.

      1. ThatGirl*

        We’ve used Terro traps too and I just carefully cut them open, they do not snap off.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The Terro I got and had the most luck with was a little droplet bottle – you put a couple drops on a piece of cardboard and put it in the ant trails. The packaging includes a half dozen little squares, but you could just cut up an index card or such and get the same kind of thing. I went from a couple hundred ants to, like, two in under three hours when I had ant issues this past fall and haven’t seen them since. (I did caulk up the spot where they were coming from, so that helped in the long term, but.)

    4. Might Be Spam*

      I liked the Ortho Home Defense because it worked and after it d. ries, it is safe for pets. We had a small litter trained rabbit that we let run around the house, so we needed something safe for him.

    5. Aphrodite*

      This is going to seem weird but to get rid of a trail of ants, I used paper towels and wet them, then used (blue) Dawn dishwashing liquid. (Any dishwashing soap might work but I use Dawn and man, this stuff kills them instantly as well as wiping out their scent trails. I only had a small invasion so it took less than a week but I wiped down counters, floors and windows sills several times each day. Within about three days I began to see only a few. I still continued to wash down with Dawn regularly but they never returned.

      I also changed my cats’ feeding, not leaving dry or wet food down for more than about 20minutes, then wiping/cleaning with Dawn again; the floor shone! I also made sure every food item (for the cats or me) was either in the freezer, refrigerator, or had been transferred to canning jars. And no food or drink, not even water, is allowed outside the kitchen or dining room. It’s been worth it.

      1. Effie*

        Another vote for Dawn, it worked in college dorms and those definitely weren’t sealed!

    6. Bob*

      The Borax/Terro worked properly. That was textbook, they multiply until they eat all the bait, it takes a few days to two weeks to kill the queen then the colony dies off.

  79. Artemesia*

    Need advice on Zoom groups. A group of 7 mostly retired couples who have socialized together a lot, plays, films, dinner parties, has really missed it during COVID and even is ‘things open up’ – it won’t be safe for us to mix in the world until there is a vaccine, so we created a weekly standing movie club on zoom — one person chooses a film and facilitates. One of the participants has a professional access so he sets up a standing meeting so we don’t have the 40 minute limit.

    So far interesting selections — film on Camino, Dr. Strangelove, Breaker Morant, American Factory — doing Trading Places next. Problem is dominators and interrupters and bores who have to lecture endlessly. With a dozen or more on the discussion it means the polite or timid who can’t shout loud enough to seize the floor tend to get squeezed out. When I facilitated Dr. Strangelove I did a couple of round robins as well as had some questions to structure and the last person who facilitated American factory made attempts to involve everyone — but it is difficult. How do you manage groups that are not professional, that have to operate consensually and amicably but where some people hog the airspace? Ideas for structuring gracefully?

    I will be facilitating a book club next week where last time one person spoke about 60% of the time in a group of 8. On that one, I will just be aggressive about turn taking, facilitative questions and not allowing it to happen again but in the movie group a more delicate consensual hand it needed.

    1. fposte*

      I think when you’re hosting you set the share-the-air principle from the start, announcing that you’ll redirect and signal boost when people get crowded out, then you do it. If you’re not hosting, I still think you can signal boost–“Hey, I’d really like to hear what Bethany thinks while there’s still time.” A secret advantage of Zoom is that you can use the poor synchronization as a cover for necessary interruption. But also be attuned to the possibility some people would rather listen than talk, so don’t fall completely into the classroom habit of prompting the quiet.

    3. it happens*

      Good suggestions- round robin, passing the mic, and private chat to the offenders “please allow others to speak”

    4. Fiona*

      I think fposte is right – I’ve been noticing how useful it is to just say explicitly: “Jen, you’ve actually been to China, right? What did you think American Factory?” I am in a book club and people are generally respectful, but we have some very smart, VERY quiet people who definitely don’t jump in on Zoom until asked. Having a dedicated facilitator is also sometimes the way to go. Good luck!

  80. Disco Janet*

    I’m honestly not sure if this belongs better here or in Friday’s thread, since it’s about one of my students but isn’t a work-specific situation. I just found out one of my students was badly injured in an accident this week – in the hospital and potentially paralyzed for life. I’ve donated to a fund for the family, but really want to do something else and have no idea what. My go to is usually a book I think they’d like since I teach English, but he has not fully regained use of his hands and they’re not sure he will, so that’s obviously out. A letter wishing him well doesn’t feel sufficient…but I’m completely at a loss of what else I could do. If it was a friend or relative I’d be offering to help the family more directly, but that’s harder to do when I have to maintain the teacher boundary, plus COVID. Any suggestions? Teenage boy who is really into music and a total goof.

    1. Selmarie*

      Does he have a way to listen to an audiobook? I do think a supportive letter that can be re-read as needed would be nice, too.

    2. Sara(h)*

      Oh no, that’s so awful! I can relate to that feeling of when you want to help out but don’t know what to do, and I understand why it feels more complicated given the teacher/student context. If the student has close friends you know of, could you reach out to the friends’ parents (not the injured student’s parents, but that of the friends) and ask if there’s a meal train in place or if they know how else you could help, or what kind of gifts would be appreciated?
      If that’s not an option, I would maybe send a card to the house, with a couple gift cards — maybe instacart or restaurant delivery for the family, and itunes or amazon for the kid, with a note to each of them. You could also include a small gift like a soft, cozy throw.

    3. Not A Manager*

      That is so horrible. I’m really sorry to hear about this.

      It might help to move away from the idea of doing something “meaningful”. What you’re really trying to do is communicate your concern and well-wishes. If you can frame it like that, then an audio experience and a thoughtful note really are a very nice gesture.

      You could send an audiobook (you are en English teacher!), or you could send music that is genre-adjacent to music that he already likes. But I really think the most meaningful aspect will be the personal note.

    4. LGC*

      So wait, why is getting him a book not a good idea?

      I’m being slightly disingenuous here. You’re right that he may not be able to physically open a book. But you could get him an e-book or an audio book. (I’m also very appreciative of objects myself, so I personally would appreciate getting a book just to have it.)

    5. Fiona*

      I had a friend who was hospitalized with covid and put on a ventilator. We wrote her a heartfelt card, which felt extremely insufficient, but she said after being extubated and having to spend a lot of time in the hospital, seeing all the cards was hugely moving to her and she REALLY appreciated it. So I wouldn’t overthink it. A letter will mean a lot to him. As an overthinker myself, the best thing is just to do something, anything. I hope your student recovers as much as possible. I’m so sorry for what he’s going through.

      1. Washi*

        I agree with this. You could always write a card now, and then if the perfect gift idea occurs to you, you could always send it along later!

    7. Emma*

      I am so sorry to hear about your student.
      I also like the suggestion of a gift card – on iTunes or Amazon he could use it for music or an audiobook.
      Sending some magazines could also be good – they can be a really helpful conversational crutch during a long hospitalisation (visitors sometimes struggle to make conversation because they don’t know what to say, or family spending a lot of time in the hospital may not have much else going on to talk about, so flipping through a magazine together can give you things to chat about that are not hospital/illness related)

    8. Gruntilda*

      I was once hospitalized and couldn’t use my eyes–limits similar activities.
      Podcasts and audiobooks saved my life. Can you get DVDs of stand-up shows or other comedic shows? An Audible subscription? A music subscription service subscription like Spotify or Apple Music? DVDs of his fave bands in concert/their albums?

  81. Elizabeth West*

    Similar to Chaordic One’s ant post above, I have had a devil of a time with ants on my car. They were under the hood, right below the wiper assembly. I took the car to the car wash yesterday and blasted the crevices really well, then brought it home and windexed the hell out of all the spaces where I saw stragglers. I even put some essential oil that contained peppermint around the rubber seals to discourage them.

    This morning, I took out a trash bag and they’re crawling all over it. I do NOT know where they’re coming from — Mom’s had them in the mailbox, and she had the Orkin guy spray three feet out from the house, but GAH. I don’t want my car full of ants! What do?

    I wish I could just leeeeeeeeeeaaaave…..

    1. Selmarie*

      Are they the tiny pavement ants? Terro baits work really well in an out 24 hours. You can get them at hardware store, etc.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I don’t know; they’re very small, so possibly. I’ve tried Terro when I had ants at my old house but it took forever to work.

    2. Chaordic One*

      How absolutely weird! I wonder what they could be finding attractive inside the car. My first thought was a radiator leak, since anti-freeze has a sweet taste to it and is sometimes licked up by pets who then get sick and sometimes die. But the radiator would be in the front part of the engine compartment. Is there any other mechanical part back there that contains fluid. Maybe a power steering unit? Since it is parked outside, I don’t think it would hurt to spray an insecticide where you park the car on and along the driveway. It would probably only last as long as the next rain, but I’d try it anyway.

    3. Me*

      Are you parking under a tree? Some trees are attractive to ants. Plants like peonies have ants at certain points in the growing season.

      Maybe move the car to a different spot on the street.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        There are peonies AND a mimosa tree, but I literally have nowhere else to park. Mum had a slab near the driveway redone this week due to its not being adequately supported when it was built (the slant was unbelievable–it didn’t even have a BED). I can’t park on it until Monday, however. And it’s under the damn tree. >_<

    4. Gruntilda*

      They sell little tabs that are full of poison, the bugs are attracted to it and go in and bring back the poison to the colony, killing the whole thing. That worked wonders on my kitchen, which also had no obvious ant-attractors.

      Also kill any scouts, and when you see them marching in a line, take a wet towel and wipe the whole line up following it to the source to find how they’re getting in.

  82. Andrews*

    I’ve been revisiting a lot of Sherlock Holmes content in lockdown – the Jeremy Brett TV series, the video game ‘The Devil’s Daughter’, Stephen Fry’s audiobook series of the original novels and stories, and some of the modern ‘Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ pastiches (I’ve enjoyed James Lovegrove and Carole Bugge’s a lot so far). Does anybody have recommendations for either adaptations or new stories? I’ll try anything except bumbling-Watson characterisation.

    1. Ranon*

      You might like Alexis Hall’s Affair of the Mysterious letter- Sherlock is female, it’s got a steampunk element, very good fun.

      Sherry Thomas also has a Lady Sherlock series that I’ve heard good things about.

      1. Andrews*

        Ooh, the first Sherry Thomas one is reduced on Kindle right now so I’m grabbing that, and my library has the Alexis Hall one in ebook so I’ve reserved it – thanks!

    2. Red Sky*

      For TV series I really enjoyed Elementary, it’s really the last network show that I’ve watched and I’m bummed that it’s been cancelled. Lucy Liu as Watson takes no shit and has interesting character growth and then there’s Moriarty *chef’s kiss*

      For books there’s The Lady Sherlock series by Sherry Thomas. I just finished book 1, A Study in Scarlet Women, and would give it a solid B.

      With her inquisitive mind, Charlotte Holmes has never felt comfortable with the demureness expected of the fairer sex in upper class society. But even she never thought that she would become a social pariah, an outcast fending for herself on the mean streets of London.

      When the city is struck by a trio of unexpected deaths and suspicion falls on her sister and her father, Charlotte is desperate to find the true culprits and clear the family name. She’ll have help from friends new and old—a kind-hearted widow, a police inspector, and a man who has long loved her.

      But in the end, it will be up to Charlotte, under the assumed name Sherlock Holmes, to challenge society’s expectations and match wits against an unseen mastermind.

      1. Andrews*

        I’ve grabbed the first Sherry Thomas one, I’m excited to read it! And I’ve seen a few seasons of Elementary and really liked it, that’s a good shout for a lockdown binge…

      1. Andrews*

        Adding that to my watchlist, thanks! I remember reading about it being in the works but didn’t know it was released yet.

      2. Andrews*

        I’m cautiously scrolling wikipedia right now to work out where I stopped watching it so I can pick it up again without spoiling myself!

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      Have you watched the Benedict Cumberbatch/Martin Freeman series “Sherlock”? The last season was not my cup of tea, but the earlier seasons were really great!

      1. Andrews*

        I have and it’s unfortunately not my thing, but you’ve reminded met that there are some really excellent long fanworks for that show that I haven’t read for years and should check out again

        1. Lily*

          The Wee Doctor series by americanjedi. If you are a Watson fan and haven’t read that one, you absolutely must. I always skim through the first chapter though as it is just a setup for the rest of the story. I liked BBC Sherlock’s John Watson before reading this and afterwards I loved his character. The author is brilliant. All the character interactions *chef’s kiss* It sounds weird when I describe it but it is an alternative universe fanfiction where John Watson gets de-aged and sent to another universe where he doesn’t exist, right around the time of A Study In Pink. He still has all his experience and knowledge as an adult and decides to help out Sherlock without him knowing. But a young child running around the streets, acting like a doctor for the homeless kids, who shoots with soldier-like precision and always knows what will happen before it does and who has Mycroft’s secret phone number, well that child soon has caught the attention of a lot of people. I beg of you, read it. It is the one series I continually reread. No ships, and how John interacts with Sherlock, with Mycroft, how they react to him, what they’d deduce from him, I love it. Doctor John Watson, or W, as the biggest enigma.

    6. Pam*

      Neil Gaiman’s A Study in Emerald. Holmesian with added Lovecraft.

      Also Claire O’Dell’s A Study in Honor, a gender-flipped futuristic version. For a bonus, Claire participates here.

      1. GoryDetails*

        “Neil Gaiman’s A Study in Emerald. Holmesian with added Lovecraft.”

        I was delighted to see Pam mention that one! I first read it in the anthology SHADOWS OVER BAKER STREET, in which all of the stories are some type of mashup of Doyle and Lovecraft, from very dark to very, very funny.

        1. Andrews*

          Oh, I’ve read the Gaiman one (there’s a graphic novel version that’s also fun) but didn’t know there was a Lovecraftian anthology!

    7. TexasRose*

      I’ve really enjoyed Laurie King’s series, where a retired Holmes marries Mary Russell.

      Another excellent standalone novel is _A Slight Trick of the Mind_ by Mitch Cullin. Holmes, 93, is having a bit of trouble with retention nowadays, but is still actively writing and researching. Not an easy read, but rewarding.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        Overall I really enjoyed the Laurie King series as well. I didn’t love her prologues and insistence it was a real story, I would have rather just dropped into the stories because they were well written on their own.

    8. Danish bike rider*

      The tv-series House starring Hugh Laurie is partly inspired by Sherlock Holmes. The first seasons are very much based on stand-alone episodes, but later, there is more of af season arc. By season six, some aspects got too repetitive for me, but along the way, there were absolutely outstanding episodes. Hugh Laurie is fantastic. Robert Sean Leonard is Wilson, the Watson of the series.

    9. Artemesia*

      Some of the Laurie King Mary Russel books are interesting. She is a young woman who marries an elderly Sherlock Holmes and they have adventures. Must be read in order I think.

  83. Chaordic One*

    Maybe a gift card to a site that he could download some music from? I’m not really up on such things. Amazon gift card?

  84. LizB*

    Hey fellow weekend thread people who have been/are still planning weddings! For a while there was a little crew of us that were all in various stages of engagement and planning. How have things shaken out for you? What adjustments are you glad you made, if you had to make any? What are you still planning in the future as COVID risk (hopefully, eventually) dies down?

    We’ve decided to split our wedding up: have a tiny tiny outdoor ceremony on our intended date (early Sept 2020), then do the whole big shebang we originally planned for sometime next year. We just can’t ask family and friends to choose now whether they’ll feel comfortable traveling in a few months, and we don’t want to miss out on seeing the people who would definitely be unable to come. So, mini-ceremony, probably a livestream for grandparents and others who want to tune in, then maybe a series of small backyard get-togethers with little groups of local friends.

    I got myself a Little White Dress to wear instead of my big poofy gorgeous gown (gonna save that for the big party). We haven’t sent any news in the mail yet, but have started getting the news out on social media and through the family grapevine. It’s actually been kinda nice to really focus in on the things that we absolutely HAVE to have in order to get married (for us that means: marriage license, ketubah & rabbi, rings, vows, lil bit of photography, not much else). I think our big party will be a really wonderful celebration of us and our community, but I can totally see why people opt for smaller, more personal celebrations.

    1. Anono-me*

      Both the ceremony and the wedding party later sound lovely. And smart.

      I’m not sure from the way you commented if you are excited about the little white dress for the ceremony or if you feel like because it’s a small ceremony that you shouldn’t wear your big fancy dress. I would actually argue that you can wear your big fancy dress to both the ceremony and the later celebration. The little white dress would be great for the mini garden barbecues and for the last half of the big celebration (Dancing in a big poofy dress is work.)

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Agree! I’m choosing to wear my dress for both, but I appreciate wanting to have two different looks too.

      2. LizB*

        I thought about my dress options for sure! Part of the issue is that the tasks of getting alterations, finding a bra that works in my weird size, etc that the big dress requires are soooo much more work than I can handle right now. Part of it is, I kinda wanted to show off the big dress to everyone in person, not have them see it first over a video call! And then the third part is, how am I gonna handle that much skirt in an outdoor backyard setting, lol.

        I like my LWD a lot, it feels like the thing I want to wear for a small event. I think my plan is to get a veil for the ceremony that I’ll also wear for the bigger event next year, and have some continuity that way. I appreciate the encouragement, though!

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      Me!! I know I’ve seen Hannah S. comment about her wedding too.

      We still got married on our original date in May. It was not what we had planned but I’m so glad we did it! Our minister dropped out about 2 weeks before our date so my SIL got ordained online and married us on her front porch. We live streamed it for our families and friends and drove around afterwards to social distance wave at local friends/family.

      We’re hoping to have a delayed reception, we’ll see how that works out. I scheduled that for the end of August but it will probably be a sort of drive through event now.

      1. LizB*

        Yay, mazel tov on your marriage!! Oof, that’s a huge bummer about your minister, but I’m so glad SIL was able to step in. Do you have any tips about the livestreaming? What platform did you use? I have no experience in that realm.

        1. Aurora Leigh*

          Thank you! We set up a public Facebook page and live streamed from there. That way people wouldn’t have to have a facebook account to view the wedding and it was automatically recorded. We just set up a phone on tripod, nothing fancy. We did do a rehearsal the day before to test sound quality and make sure we knew where to position it so our heads would be in the frame, etc.

    3. Eeeek*

      That’s funny bc I did the same thing as you! Still getting legally married on our OG date in September and pushed the big thing next year. It’s impossible to plan anyway. A few people still want to travel for the legal ceremony which is their choice but we don’t expect anyone too. I toyed with the idea of cancelling the big one altogether but realized I didn’t want that. I was not at all into the idea of something virtual

      1. LizB*

        Ha, twins! I’m totally on the same page as you, I don’t really want to do something virtual, but we have grandparents asking to watch from afar which is certainly fair. The streaming will definitely be a side occurrence vs the main affair of actually getting married in person.

        We also have folks who still plan on probably coming to town for the legal part, which has me mildly worried that we’ll end up with more people wanting to be there in person than is good for public health or legally allowed. I would really hate to have to tell people “Sorry, I know you traveled here for this, but you can’t actually come.” I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it.

    4. Generic Name*

      My wedding is in just a few weeks! We had originally planned a “planned elopement” with no guests and getting married on the side of a trail. Just us, the officiant, and the photographer. We did end up having to change the location due to Covid, but that’s it. The final preparations are in place. I’ve got my dress, he has his suit. We just have to wait until the day of!

  85. Anxious cat servant*

    I have a question for those who’ve fostered cats before. Last week we found a mama cat and four 4-week-old kittens in our church’s basement and, well, now they’re in our spare bathroom. Our local shelter won’t take them until they’re 8-weeks minimum and our local cat rescues aren’t returning our calls. We’re 100% fine having them here and had actually planned on signing up to foster before these guys showed up. It’s not even the bathroom’s first time serving as a kitten nursery though the former occupant is now 18 months old. I was just hoping we could get a little more support beyond YouTube (though Kitten Lady is amazing!)

    But my real question is more long-term – how in the world do you prepare for letting go? We already have two cats and while we’d planned to do fostering with the knowledge we could fail with one or two, five is a bit much. Some of these have to go to other homes. We’re going to keep trying with a couple really good rescues who vet their adopters and see if they’ll facilitate (our shelter doesn’t vet adopters beyond making sure their payment clears) but even then I worry we’ll put all this love and work in only for the cat to go to a bad home. So how do you foster families do it?

    1. Sc@rlettNZ*

      I’m perhaps not the best example of a successful foster – the first two cats I ever fostered are still with me 7 years later and the only reason I didn’t keep one of the second pair was because Klaus, our large ginger, is very aggressive towards other cats, even tiny kittens, and it wouldn’t have been fair to keep her in those circumstances. I cried when I took her and her brother to their next foster home and I’d only had them for 10 days.

      If people are adopting via a shelter, and they have to pay adoption fees (as opposed to just getting a free kitten off a Facebook page or the like), they are hopefully more likely going to be a responsible pet owner. Your idea of contacting the rescues who vet their adopters is a good idea.

      I’m one of the founders of a cat rescue in my hometown here in New Zealand and folk like yourselves are gold to small, overwhelmed rescues so thank you for caring.

      As to the letting go part, see above! But know that you’re doing a great thing, and helping to save lives. And your foster kitties will go onto give another family a great deal of companionship and pleasure.

    2. Four-legged fosterer*

      Cat rescues are overwhelmed right now. Loads of offers to adopt, foster, and from owners surrendering their cats. And no fundraising at the pet stores so they can’t afford to do much. So be persistent and if you can help cover some of the costs then please offer.

      Long term I find rescues that I trust to find good homes, and I fill the void with the next foster. “Kittens would be more fun if they never grew up”, except that mine don’t!

      My current rescues (dog and cat) are foster-based so allow me to meet the adopters when they visit the animal at my place and they have home visits. That helps build confidence.

    3. Aphrodite*

      Ask at TinyKittens.com, a rescue for feral cats and kittens in Canada. They do this all the time so will have lots of experience as will the followers on the live YouTube cams.

  86. Triplestep*

    I am in the process of trying to rid my life of paper clutter, and part of this will involve scanning things I would have previously filed. I am ready to begin scaning now having recycled boxes of paper I no longer need.

    Does anyone have a good resource that spells out the most efficient ways to do this? I will be using my google drive for storage, but I am looking for folder categories, file and folder naming conventions, apps or programs that help with this sort of thing, etc. TIA!

    1. it happens*

      I do not have guide to recommend, hope someone else posts one..
      I will recommend the double-sided scanner- I have a scansnap (pricy because it included an Adobe license to make PDFs and do OCR.) Makes the process much easier.
      So my advice- pick up the file folder- do you ReALLY need what’s in it, no, really?
      Is it tax-related, but more than ten years old? Shred it!
      Is it related to capital improvements or anything else relating to your home? Scan that sucker and figure out a good naming convention (you said google drive, that’s ok for storage, I would add Evernote because you can also tag, so “furniture” “receipt” “garden” , etc)
      Is it recipes/exercises/ health advice/local restaurant review that you tore out of a magazine/printed from the internet but never referenced? Toss it! The internet is your friend.

      Not to say that I have followed this advice to the letter- I still have not been able to ditch a drawer full of records from my mother’s house that I sold six years ago, but next year-boom! And I have a lot of sentimental-to-me business papers that I acknowledge are entirely useless and unscanworthy, but I will keep the paper until I stop finding joy when I come across them every few years while searching for something else.

      TL;DR – scansnap and Evernote-happy culling!

    3. Generic Name*

      What categories would you have used when you were filing paper? Some categories that come to mind: real estate documents, tax documents, bills, statements, receipts. Keep in mind that you don’t have to keep records forever, even electronically. Suze Orman has a good resource for how long to keep different types of financial documents. Also, if you are keeping things like bills and bank statements, those are usually available online with your respective accounts. Going through old records and tossing what you don’t need is so cathartic!

    4. Lemon Meringue Pie*

      I would take any resources with a pinch of salt because what matters is that it matches how YOU think. You need to categorise according to how you will search for things and want to find them. Ask yourself: where would I expect to find this? And that’s your folder name!

      Dropbox is good for scanning.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      Triple step, you can use tags too so that you can still find things even if you are looking in the wrong folder.

    6. Lady Alys*

      I second the Fujitsu ScanSnap recommendation – it’s a magical device! Also check out documentsnap.com – the guy who writes there has all sorts of ideas for scanning, organizing, and (v. important!) BACKING UP your stuff.

      I also suggest coming up with a naming convention – it sounds goofy but it’s really helpful when searching – sort of like the idea mentioned below of “tags” – for example all of my medical EOBs have date of service, provider, patient name, invoice or claim number, right in the file name, so I can search very easily. I literally have a piece of paper with my file-naming formats on my computer desk for easy reference when I’m going through the mail.

    7. Observer*

      Yes, Fujitsu ScanSnap + EverNote (or a similar application). The nice thing about Evernote is that it lets you tag items in multiple ways. If you make sure to scan everything with OCR on, the documents will be searchable, and the evernote search capacity is excellent. So that it’s really good backup for the tagging capacity.

  87. Difficult Conversation*

    Has anybody here had a conversation with a family member/friend who is a hoarder, about their hoarding? How did it go?

    I have a relative living with me right now, and I had to go to her house for her cats, and the house was awful. Bugs, mice, piles of stuff, empty cat food containers… it’s never been a great living situation, but not like this. Never before have I worried about her pets. I don’t want her or her cats going back there, but she has more agency. I’ve read books, have the “Buried in Treasures” workbook to give her, but am really interested in others experiences.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      My experience is with friends. One friend, Flora, has become the emergency contact/caregiver for another, older friend, Fauna.

      Conversations are pointless in this case. Flora has talked, coached, hired cleaners, cleaned out the place herself. But Fauna, who is in therapy, goes back to the hoarding habits. Cats are also involved. Flora has made a rule, only 2 cats (which is the number allowed by the condo Association). And the rule seems to work, especially because Flora makes and follows through on threats to remove and put the cats at a shelter (we know shelters are not the best option and we actually were able to rehome the cats and avoid the shelter).

      I’m sorry, this is a really tough situation. I think three things worked for my friends: a focus on the welfare of the animals, therapy, and managing/limiting rather than “curing” the hoarding.

    2. Me*

      Sadly my mother is a hoarder.

      One of my siblings owns the house that she and her husband “live” in. When my sibling bought it ten years ago they had it completely redone, from windows to plumbing to heating to new kitchen.

      Mom has stuffed it with so much stuff that there is one space in the living room and in the kitchen to sit down. Her dishwasher contains… books (?) for some reason. They sleep in separate trailers in the back yard because the bedrooms are inaccessible.

      And she has a ton of cats and doesn’t believe in vet care/vaccinations.

      It’s a mental illness. We aren’t equipped to fix her. She believes that her piles of junk have value. If we were to go in and clean stuff out, she would feel like we’d stolen valuable items from her.

      My sibling had to find another insurance company to cover the house when the former company caught wind of the hoard.

      We didn’t grow up this way. Our house was always neat. Her messiness was contained to one side of the two car garage. She lost that house about 30 years ago, and I assume that sparked her current tendencies (although one of her siblings has a literal junkyard surrounding their home so maybe mom’s issues run deeper).

      So I got nothing. My siblings and I joke that the only thing we will argue about when she dies is who will pay for the dumpsters. We laugh, but the reality is we won’t be combing through her hoard to find bits of treasured personal items. It’ll be something like 1800GotJunk and please remove it all….

      And the cats will go to a no kill shelter with a helluva donation.

      Good luck on trying to fix it. I suggest watching an episode or two of hoarders to better understand the mindset of a hoarder. Realize that it takes a lot more effort than that short show to really deal with the hoarder and their hoard.

    3. Kathenus*

      My mom was somewhere between pack rat and hoarder. She didn’t like how it impacted her life but her health didn’t easily allow her to deal with it and she wouldn’t let anyone else do so. At various times my brothers lived with her or locally but she would never let anyone try to go through all the stuff.

      I lived a plane flight away, so was not local. I told her at one point that when she was ready to let me help, including trusting me to work independently on organizing and purging but within agreed upon guidelines with her, that I would take time off and fly down and help.

      Two years later she took me up on it. It wasn’t seamless. Much stress involved during that two weeks for us both, but it was a good step.

      I think the key here for me was being very clear about the conditions required for me to help. And then it was her decision when and if she was willing.

      If the person involved isn’t on board to some extent it will never work. But if you can find an area to start, for me and my mom it was the garage and some storage areas versus her main living space, you might be able to take a first step. Good luck.

      1. pack rat*

        I’m a serious pack rat/borderline hoarder (I think not full hoarder because I CAN get rid of things and I don’t have to bring home EVERYTHING, but it definitely is harder for me to make decisions and I definitely feel more regret about getting rid of stuff than other people seem to). Anyway, I’ve read a bunch of hoarder stuff and I think what Kathenus said is really key for helping – you have to agree to guidelines.
        I’ve occasionally had people say they’d come and help me clean, and it just spikes anxiety in me, because the only experience I’ve had of being part of cleaning someone else’s hoard or really messy house is that the people doing it throw out everything while making comments about why the person even has that/let it get to that state. And while I appreciate that it’s a big deal for someone to come and clean someone else’s mess, I just found it so disrespectful.
        So I would find it incredibly hard to trust someone in that situation. And I’ll be honest, even if someone came in with willingness to respect whatever parameters I wanted to give them, I’d probably struggle with actually specifying them (e.g. there’s a huge pile in my kitchen right now and most of the receipts are junk but two of them I need for something and I think it would be hard to tell you which ones I need in a way that would be helpful to you) and I probably would rather do it myself than tell you some of the things are important to me just because I’d assume that you’d think it was stupid or would in some way shame me for it. It’s a sensitive area. AND I’M NOT EVEN A TRUE HOARDER!!!

    4. RagingADHD*

      When I was much younger, I had a friend who at one point asked me to help him with an “organization project.” It was immediately obvious that he had a serious hoarding problem, as well as some type of issues with extreme perfectionism – such as, he got upset to the point of tears when I tried hanging his clothes in the closet, because they weren’t hung in “correct” order. But in the meantime, having them piled all over the furniture and the filthy, food and mouse-poop encrusted floor, was perfectly acceptable.

      I quickly realized this was beyond my help.

      Much later, he had an emergency appendectomy and his roommates kindly pitched in to try to make his bedroom hygenic enough for him to recouperate in, as he could not be discharged from the hospital until he had a relatively sanitary place to sleep. I helped. We bagged up & stored his belongings, threw out the food, garbage, and vermin leavings, mopped, changed sheets, etc.

      He screamed at us until he lost his voice, and never forgave me. My consolation was that at least he didn’t die of sepsis.

      I heard he eventually got treatment of some kind, but I don’t know what or how well it worked. IIRC, he married the social worker who was helping him. So I have my doubts about the long-term outcomes of a situation like that.

    5. sequined histories*

      I have this problem. I’m strongly, strongly, strongly motivated to keep this under control, and it’s extremely difficult. I realize that the issue of pets makes this more complicated, as their wellbeing as living creatures must be taken into consideration.

      Basically, if the person doesn’t see it as a problem, you cannot help her.

      If she does see it as a problem, she’s already burdened with terrible shame, so try to be kind even when you’re frustrated. In this case, you might be able to help in a limited way. Offer her options and make sure she stays in control of these objects (animals are in a different category, obviously). If you start throwing stuff away without her involvement, you will without doubt discard things she highly values and she will experience a very, very high level of distress.

      A highly motivated person can improve her functioning somewhat. Positive, kind support can help somewhat in the right circumstances. She will always be like this, so think in terms of what support you can realistically offer without becoming overwhelmed yourself. Don’t think of it as a problem that can be definitively solved.

  88. Teapot Fairy*

    Hi ! I’m taking 5 years off career to care for my son. He just turned 1. I had a series of part time jobs in education, and then in a church, and I’m not sure what field I will go when I return to work. I wonder how many other moms or caregivers are lurking here, and what skills or interests are you developing now.

    1. Aza*

      You’ll probably need to repost this on the work thread, which happens on Fridays. The weekend is the no-work thread.

      If there’s any kind of part time work or volunteering you can do in whatever field you’re seeking, even if it’s a couple hours a week, that would be good. A 5 year gap is tough on a resume.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I freelance and WFH with my kids. Learning social media marketing as it intersects with communication/copywriting was a good string in my bow for the transition to freelance.

      Lots of smaller churches & other nonprofits need help with social media, and are super-appreciative.

  89. Amethyst*

    I need to buy some sort of plug in that actually works to keep the bugs and mice away. I have a couple now but it hasn’t made much of a difference. My issues are spiders, bees (all kinds) that are too interested in my storm door and windows, and mice that like to drive my cats crazy by running all along my kitchen wall. I used to have these red beetles (a friend called them pantry bugs) when I moved in last year. These are practically gone. *knocks wood* I live in an apartment complex.

    Any good ultrasonic ones out there? What worked for you?

    1. Calla Lili*

      I don’t think they work. Every one I’ve tried, and every one the people I know have ever tried, have been a total waste of money. I tried the cheap ones and the expensive ones and there was no difference.

      I wouldn’t bother with them.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      In an earlier comment this weekend Not So NewReader recommended something called Pestacators. Sounds intriguing.

  90. Washi*

    We’re having a bachelorette zoom for my friend next week whose party had to be cancelled. We’re going to play some games themed around the bride (scattergories and quiplash) but I’m wondering if any of the always creative AAM commenters have any other suggestions for activities/gestures of support? I’ve been trying to think of something that would give the bride warm fuzzy feelings of being loved from afar by her friends but haven’t come up with anything good!

    2. acmx*

      Tell favorite/fun stories about the bride?
      Do a collage of everyone so that it looks like everyone was in person?
      Matching shirts?

  91. Caterpie*

    Having some awkward apartment noise troubles if anyone can give some advice! We recently moved to a new unit in my same apartment complex because the upstairs neighbors were smoking inside and playing loud TV/music; the complex couldn’t do anything b/c COVID-19. They let us switch units though, so I am very happy with their response.

    The new place is much quieter for the most part (yay!), but the people next door, who we share a bedroom wall with, have REALLY loud ‘romantic sessions’. What I’m guessing is their headboard slams against our wall, rattling the whole room and we can hear it throughout the entire unit. The moaning/screaming is also excessive; you can hear both partners right through the wall and one of them sounds like every DBZ character powering up at once (which is kind of bewildering/hilarious).

    I would understand hearing occasional bed creaking or vocalizations b/c apartment, but the screaming and slamming seems excessive (they do it after the complex’s quiet hours as well). I was thinking of waiting until 30min-1 hour after their next afternoon session to go next door and tell them we are hearing some generic slamming, and ask if they wouldn’t mind making sure nothing is hitting the wall.

    I guess because it’s about sex it just feels really awkward (also for me hearing/watching sex is really triggering; I’m working on it, and know its not their fault, and it should be expected in apartment life). A friend mentioned that if they are that loud in an apartment it is because they don’t care or actually want others to hear them, which I hope isn’t the case because I don’t consent to being part of their sessions like that. I’m hoping they are just oblivious to the wall thickness?

    If anyone has some scripts for talking to the neighbors I’d be super grateful. I think I’ve mentioned my previous apartment troubles under another name if it sounds familiar, and I’m trying to avoid going to management because they’ll probably think we just like to complain.

    1. Reba*

      I agree with your sense that the banging is in bounds to ask about, and less so the other sounds. Hopefully the idea that they can be heard will still sink in!

      I often find that it helps to acknowledge the awkward when I need to say something like this.

      Personally I’d be inclined to try a note first.

      1. Caterpie*

        I like the note idea. It doubles as potentially less awkward and more socially distant. Thanks!

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Every time they get loud, play very loud unsexy music on the wall next to them – think Barney or Nursery Rhymes or something. They’ll hear it and figure out that sound goes both ways.

      1. Caterpie*

        Hah! Last time I was tempted to put on “Cotton Eye Joe” or “Achey Brakey Heart”.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Depending on how athletic they are and their senses of humor, they might decide Cotton Eye Joe works for them.

        2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          There is always the Cotton Eye Joe Gregorian Chant Nightcore Hardcore Dubstep Remix, if you want to go for mutually assured destruction. But that is the nuclear strike of music, and should not be used unless you are ready to wage total war.

          Nice to think about though.

          1. Scarlet Magnolias*

            I still find that a few rollicking choruses of the “Good Ship Pinafore” or “With Cat Like Tread we do Approach” and even a little Rammstein work like a charm in these situations

          2. Traffic_Spiral*

            The complete lack of discernible rhythm in that would definitely throw anyone off their stroke.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        I hope this nests correctly. This is in response to the loud neighbors, and counter programming loud music.

        Try “Heavy Classix” – there are several volumes. Operatic overtures, for example. Almost anything Wagner, Holst, Philip Glass, Moussorgsky, some Stravinsky, some Tchaikovsky (though they might enjoy the 1812). Or, to really put them out of the mood, how about the Mormon Tabernacle Chorus?

    3. Calla Lili*

      I’d drop a note through the door, first. Having this conversation loudly from two metres apart will be tough.

      I’d write something like “hey this is awkward and of course I’m sure you just didn’t realise, but the walls are not very thick in these apartments and when your headboard bangs against the wall between our apartments it’s very noisy and distracting. Could you find a way to stop that from happening please? We’d really appreciate it!”

      That way you acknowledge the awkwardness, assume no ill intent on their part, and focus on the part they can do something practical about (move the bed, change the headboard, pad it with something, whatever), and hopefully cue them in about the noise levels overall so they can bear in mind when it comes to their vocalisations also.

      1. Caterpie*

        The note idea is sounding better and better. You have a great point about the the loud conversation from two meters apart.

        I’m thinking if they just place a folded towel or something between the bed frame and wall that it will solve the worst of the issue, so maybe I can suggest that as a practical, low-effort action item for them.

        Thank you!

      2. Bagpuss*

        I agree with this approach – I think it’s entirely possible that they are not aware of how the sound travels; some people notice noise much more than others, and if you are fairly quiet in your life then they may well not notice any noise from your apartment , and it may not have occurred to them that they are audible.

        The fix might be as simple as their moving the bed so it is against a different wall, (I had a similar but less embarrassing issue years ago when one of my then neighbours got a new TV, and had it up against the wall that divided our homes. They moved it so it wasn’t physically touching the wall which made a massive difference.

        If that doesn’t work, or if they don’t alter their behavior, it may be worth looking at what you can do from your side – white noise, sound dampening wall coverings , or even considering which rooms you use for what in your home, as a last resort. (Also, if you speak to them or send a note and they ignore it, then going round and knocking on the door next time it happens may be effective – if nothing else, if they get interrupted every time then they may see it as an incentive to deal with the problem. But this is definitely only if more polite methods are ignored!

    4. What the What*

      In my youth, I was oblivious. A neighbor complained about the noise and we were quieter after that.

      A nice, honest note, that notes both the headboard and the vocalizations and not just “noise” (because then they might keep their voices down and not realize the bed is part of the problem) is going to be the most effective way of solving this problem.

    5. nonegiven*

      My son had the exact thing happen with the headboard hitting the wall, when he was in an apartment. He beat on the same wall. He said they must have moved it away from the wall because he never heard it again. This was just the banging, though, he didn’t hear any vocalizing.

  92. knead me seymour*

    I realize this is a very personal decision, but I’m feeling quite conflicted. My mother lives in a city a few hours away from me, and her area is much smaller and has lower covid-19 numbers, although our province in general has been in the decline for weeks and the numbers are quite low at the moment. She isn’t elderly but is in a higher-risk age range, and lives with another family member who is quite seriously ill. She’s really been pushing hard for me to visit, but I can’t do that without taking public transit, and I’m quite worried about infecting them. At the same time, I know it’s important for her to see me in person and I don’t want to make her miserable. We already communicate regularly.

    Is anyone else in a similar situation? Any suggestions for ways to make this process safer? It doesn’t help that she thinks I’m being overly cautious but I think she’s minimizing how serious it could be if they got infected.

    1. PB*

      I am in a similar situation. I live with a healthcare worker. Every member of my immediate family (all of whom live four hours away) is or lives with someone high risk. Unfortunately, this means that I just can’t see my family until there’s a vaccine or treatment, or the numbers are much closer to zero than they are now. It sucks, but the risks of infecting someone I love are just too high.

      It’s also important to remember everyone involved in this situation. Even if your mother is willing to take the risk, is the family member she lives with? These times are really, really awful. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, you’re not being overly cautious. Riding public transit increases your own risk. This is a serious illness that has killed or seriously harmed many people, even if they weren’t in an at risk group. The risk to your mother and her housemate are even higher. It sucks, but staying away is the right thing.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      One thing that would concern me is the thought that once I visit, then she would want me to come back again and again. I’d be skeptical about just one visit.

      Does she use a computer, will she Skype/FT with you?
      Is there something she needs that you can only do in person?…or she thinks you can only do in person?

      In the past I have seen parent rest the responsibility for their own happiness squarely on the shoulders of their kids. It’s a bad plan. We are each responsible for our own happiness/contentment.

      A friend of mine who lives with a VERY vulnerable person, recently had a visit from her adult child who lives in a hot spot. They sat outside for a few hours and then the adult child returned home. It was a long, long ride for a few hours of visiting. I believe they rented a car.

      I think I would try to find out why she is pushing so hard first. If I could determine that it was just for the sake of visiting, then I might say something like, “Mom, I will let you know when I decide to come but it will be in a while.” I think her constant requests are wearing on you? And that would be the point of asking over and over to break you down. If you don’t want to go, then let her know this is your decision and when it changes you will tell her.

    3. anonymouse for this*

      Could you go for a visit but stay outside the house and chat at a safe distance in the garden or a local park, bring your own coffee with you so you’re not touching anything that could expose her? You can see each other just not hug.

    4. Overeducated*

      It is worth thinking through your options here. I think it is not reasonable for our entire population to put off seeing close family until and unless there is a vaccine, so we’re kind of on our own in terms of risk assessment and mitigation. Here are the things I have considered:
      -How long can I self-isolate to minimize chances of being a carrier?
      -Can I rent or borrow a car in a way that doesn’t involve much exposure, to avoid public transit?
      -Will my risk of exposing others be higher or lower later? (Considering the level of community spread where you are against reopening measures and your daily routines, would you guess it will be safer or less safe in the fall and winter?)
      -Can I get tested as close as possible to travel, or can I wait until testing for people without symptoms is more widely available?
      -Can I stay physically distant and masked during the trip? If not, should and can we consider combining households?
      -What is the highest risk family member’s wish?

      Good luck. These choices are hard.

    5. Anono-me*

      I think if you want to visit, it would be best to look at alternates to public transit. (Rent, hire, carpool etc.) Then do us socially distant visit.

      However, you mention your mother is not in robust good health herself and is also living with someone with serious health problems. Are you sure your mother doesn’t want you to come because she needs help? If that is the case, is there anyone else nearer to your mother who could provide or safer care assistance? (For love or money.)

    6. HannahS*

      I can’t speak to your situation specifically, but here’s my thought process.
      Right now, the weather is such that I can visit the people I love and be physically distant, by sitting on a chair in a yard or meeting in a park and sitting on separate blankets. As Canadians, we both know this won’t be true in a few months! Also, as a new doctor entering the hospital in July, my risk of transmitting to others is going to skyrocket in a few months. At that point, neither myself or my husband can really risk taking public transit. We’ll probably be spending the High Holidays alone, and may go several months without seeing anyone we love in person. So, right now, because the weather allows it and because we’re both working/studying from home, we’re doing physically distanced visits, sitting far apart outside.

    7. valentine*

      I don’t want to make her miserable.
      Any suggestions for ways to make this process safer?
      She’s asking you to put everyone at greater risk. If she responds to the righteous rejection of that with abject sadness she blames on you, that’s a choice she’s manufactured. She needs to find another a substitute for whatever she gets from seeing you in person. Does she mainly want you to obey and/or soothe her? Tell her you simply can’t and let her sort it. Shut down further pushing. Don’t brainstorm or otherwise accept this as your problem to solve.

  93. MsChanandlerBong*

    Can anyone provide tips for dealing with what I think are trigger points? Background: I spend at least 10 hours a day on the computer–I work full-time from home, and then I do freelance work at night/on weekends so we can debt out of debt faster. I used to work on a laptop all the time, but I was nearly crippled by the end of the day from hunching over and having no back and arm support. We finally got a desktop, so I’ve been sitting in an office chair. Well, now my arms and back are generally fine, but my legs are killing me, and my feet are swelling terribly. I get big knots in my muscles that feel like extremely hard rocks/pebbles under the skin. Sometimes they’re so bad that I have to ask my husband to “fix” them–rubbing them hurts like heck at first, but after a little while, the pain eases and the knot starts to shrink.

    I used to get monthly massages, but I gave that up because we had to focus on other financial priorities, and then COVID hit and closed all the massage places. I have tried lumbar supports, a foot rest (to keep my feet from dangling–I am short, so they don’t touch the floor no matter how low my chair is), rubbing up against a tennis ball, doing stretches every 20 minutes during the day, etc. Nothing helps. It’s so bad sometimes that I get worried that I’m having another heart attack, but it’s just balls of tightness in my pectoral muscles causing the pain.

        1. Kiwi with laser beams*

          Oh, sorry! I didn’t notice that you were the same person and thought you were someone else snarkily telling you to get out of debt.

    2. lazy intellectual*

      First, I recommend consulting your doctor or physical therapist via online consultation if possible. But a couple of other recommendations I will throw your way are theracanes (Google this if you don’t know what it is – it’s basically a self massaging tool, shaped like a cane, that is designed to jab knots) and foam rollers – these have helped my leg muscles a lot.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My boss is short also. She has one of those foldable foot stools that you can store things in if you wish. She puts her feet on that so they don’t dangle. It’s very padded on the top and hers is covered in soft fuzzy material.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Perhaps you might consider trying a ball chair and/or a kneeling desk chair?

    5. Pennyworth*

      If you sit on a swiss ball your feet and legs are moving gently all the time as you balance. Swiss balls come is many sizes,including kids size, so your feet wil definitely touch the ground. Anything that keeps your legs moving while you work, like one of those Cubii peddle things or similar.

    6. Dear liza dear liza*

      I foam roll, take stretch breaks, and try to watch my ergonomics. Staying hydrated by drinking lots of water, and doing a fairly rigorous 30-40 minute exercise set daily are the things I’m most likely to skip, and have the most positive effect when I add them back.

    7. Mimosa Jones*

      I’ve found the pain science blog to be very helpful on trigger points. What if you were to divide your work time between the desktop and the laptop? And/or vary your chairs. Part of the problem is that you’re sitting in one position for so long. You could also schedule lots of movement breaks to give yourself a break from the chair.

  94. Ranon*

    Thera Cane or equivalent, foam roller or PVC pipe will help work out the trigger points.

    Some sort of strength program could help too- ideally physical therapy but even Pilates/ yoga/ etc to help your body have the strength to take on your tasks of daily living might help.

    The leg stuff sounds a bit like the chair is cutting into your legs- can you tilt it forward/ spend part of your sitting time on an exercise ball/ mix sit and stand time?

  95. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I don’t know if this fits in with the current theme but…. has anyone ever grappled with feelings of anger at someone who’s passed? Not the anger part of the process of grieving but actual anger at someone who’s passed? Its…a very weird feeling to have not to mention guilt inducing.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Were you angry with them before they passed?
      I am wondering what makes you say it’s not part of the grieving process.

      All that to one side, feel the feeling. It’s not an action, feelings are different from actions. Go into it. This means saying to yourself, “Yep. I am angry with Uncle Bob for x and y reasons. I am angry because we never talked about it also…. [etc]”. Acknowledge the feeling without dealing with guilt or any other emotion.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Not angry, but there were a few things I had a little resentment with. But I had gotten past it at that point and moved on. My understanding of anger in the grieving process is being angry at their death or at God for taking them, not at the person specifically.

        Two and a half years later and while I still miss my dad, I’m now finding myself angry at them. Angry at some of the decisions they made that led to all of us being where we are now. Angry at how they pretty much let my mother run rampant with her verbal and emotional abuse when I was younger and how they handled my health issues — in my 20s & 30s, he tried to rectify the latter but it was too little too late.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Ahh, okay. Yep, this is part of the grief process. It’s normal and okay to be angry at the person. This happens to many people. I have been there myself. I was angry at my father for the things he got wrong in his relationship with me. I even got angry at my husband for being so sloppy with his health that his body became a train wreck.

          With my father and my husband, what helped me the most was trying to figure out what it was like to be them. My father actually had a horrible life filled with many, many sadnesses. It’s amazing he was the quality person he was. My husband faced problems X and Y in his personal live which gave him a jaded view of life and in some ways served to isolate him from others.

          I think the clincher is they are DEAD so this means the story line also hits an ending. There is no more to the story. NO hope for change, no hope for improvements, no hope for those conversations that “should have” taken place.
          Cry. Seriously. All that is left is crying. My theory is that under anger is tears. Get to the tears. It’s sad and that is a fact.

          For big picture purposes the best advice I have seen is when I think of x (ugly unresolved issue) I should make a habit of deliberately thinking about y (pleasant thing that went right). Balance. We balance the negatives with a positive. This is WORK. I know this first hand.

          I like to think of life as a movie, not a photograph. If I chose, I can take any moment in life and make it into a photo. With that photo, surrounding context is lost. I end up angry/upset/crying. Life is not a long series of photos. Life is a movie, with interrelated and connecting parts. X happened because Y happened earlier. My father lost his temper a lot because he was not given patience and understanding growing up. He had to learn it as an adult. He had weekly beatings when he was growing up, he decided on his own that beating a child was WRONG. He never beat me. Never. This is huge. For his era and his givens my father made huge steps forward.

          I have a choice. I can think about him yelling at me and what was said. Or I can think about a poor, lonely little boy who grew into an adult that was baffled by how the world worked. I have a choice- the photo or the movie.

          Again, this is super hard stuff and it will take repeated instances of sorting through things. Getting on track to see the bigger picture is hard- really hard. Here’s the key, the point is not to negate your own pain and your own losses. Those are legit. The key is to help yourself move forward IN SPITE of what went wrong. Where our parents have failed to meet our needs, we as adults have the autonomy to go out and get the very thing we need. So we must make sure that we do this and take proper care.

          Always remember it is possible and it happens frequently that we can see their wrongs and still love them.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I like to think of life as a movie, not a photograph. If I chose, I can take any moment in life and make it into a photo. With that photo, surrounding context is lost. I end up angry/upset/crying. Life is not a long series of photos. Life is a movie, with interrelated and connecting parts. X happened because Y happened earlier. My father lost his temper a lot because he was not given patience and understanding growing up. He had to learn it as an adult. He had weekly beatings when he was growing up, he decided on his own that beating a child was WRONG. He never beat me. Never. This is huge. For his era and his givens my father made huge steps forward.

            Wow…..never thought of it that way but it makes perfect sense.

            Is what you’re describing intergenerational trauma? I’ve heard about that, mostly in reference to Holocaust survivors. I truly don’t know much about my parents’ childhoods other than where they lived and how things were in that era, but not the actual details. Everyone is elderly and just look back on everything fondly.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yes, some of it is intergenerational. I suspect we are a long line of drinkers. I suspect my father’s father drank. I have no proof. And you have to kind of look back on what THEIR parents were doing/thinking.
              My father was born 1920. In those days, from what I was reading, psychologists said it was okay to beat your kids. “Kids are indeed inherently bad and should be beaten on general principles” This only added credibility to the culture of that time. Beatings were normal and the pros were saying “it’s okay”. My father said his father never even checked to see if my father had done anything wrong. “Line up. Time for your beating.”
              In my own life time (1960s), my friends routinely talked about the beatings their parents gave them. So I believed my father when he said he had been beaten.

              Some older people did have nice lives. Some older people have a fantasy that tells them they had a nice life. Some older people had crappy lives and talk about it. My mother had a peachy-perfect life. Even when it wasn’t peachy perfect, she made sure you thought it was peachy perfect. Her issue was she believed that everything had to look perfect to outsiders at all times. This was a wall I could not break through. I can honestly say I did not know her. But she never let me get to know her. And this is the most kind thing I can say about her.

              If you have no one to fill in gaps for you, you can try to get an overview of history from their era. My father was a depression kid. He sewed his shoes together every day before school so he had shoes to wear. He had a German surname so his family was sometimes ostracized based on the name. Later on he had trouble getting a job because of his name. It goes on like this. So he drank.
              But alcoholism wasn’t really a big deal until the 1970s or 80s or so. No one really talked about alcohol addiction earlier than that.

              Surviving from one day to the next was a big deal. A person who has to live this way is not going to learn other things such as controlling their temper or proper uses for anger. Other things such as food and shelter are too urgent and take up too much brain space.

              It took a lot of digging for me to get this much. What I have typed here is probably 10-15 years worth of talking to people and reading. This is not something that is easy to do. I found that keeping an open willingness to learn more was how I eventually got some of the story out of people. But this is how I channeled my anger for all. the. freakin’ crap that went on with my mother. And there was a lot of that. I ended up more angry with my father than I was with her. I think this is because there was hope for him, but she was beyond repair. And I just gave up with her. I never gave up on him though.

              1. NoLongerYoung*

                you probably won’t see this, NSNR, but want you to know I am sending a hug. You’ve done some hard, amazing work. I wish you I knew where you were (and there was no COVID) – I think we could sit and have tea and compare notes.

                Now I understand even more of how you are so wise….

    2. Chaordic One*

      Yes, but I’m not sure that I’ve figured out a good way to deal with it. In a couple of instances I’m angry with certain people because they showed poor judgement in their actions which in turn inadvertently led to, or contributed to, their deaths.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m sorry you’re going through that. For me this is popping up 2 1/2 years later. I have no idea what the solution is other than to just work through the feelings and talk it out. hugs to you.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Well, yes. I have and am still grappling with anger at someone who passed. And, I have (this is just for me, ymmv) this concept that I’m working to take in, that my feelings are mine and I am allowed/ entitled to deal “have” them. I now acknowledge that I should have no guilt about that particular one – anger at the deceased. They are my feelings, and I can and should have them if they are correct. It’s actually worse for me, to deny that I’m angry (I eat, for example, to cope).

      And, in addition to not having guilt over any particular feeling (as anger is not inherently a bad feeling…) No one person is all good or (at least so far) all bad. Dying doesn’t bestow saint hood or take away hurts.

      What I’ve had to actually also get past is that I will never get to work out these feelings with them directly, or some how have any explanation for some behaviors that were bad. (My feelings, not bad; their behavior, was).

      Sending you a hug.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        in addition to not having guilt over any particular feeling (as anger is not inherently a bad feeling…) No one person is all good or (at least so far) all bad. Dying doesn’t bestow saint hood or take away hurts.

        That’s true. We’re taught to never speak ill of the dead, which…. I can understand and respect. But man is it uncomfortable once you’re out of the “fog” of the person that just passed being an angel and it hits you…”wait they weren’t perfect, I’m still suffering with this thanks to this now.”

    4. Not A Manager*

      When I allowed myself to feel anger at a dead relative who had sometimes treated me badly, that opened up space for me to also remember the good parts of our relationship and the loving ways they had also treated me. That wasn’t my intention or my expectation. But when I finally acknowledged the anger, I realized that I had been somewhat… flat and numb in my feelings about my relative. I didn’t “feel” the anger, but I didn’t feel much at all.

      When I really felt the anger, after a while I was able to feel the other stuff too. It was like going from a sepia photo to a color movie.

      Not saying that would happen for everyone. But it gave me more faith in authenticity, for myself at least.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        That’s a really interesting way to look at it, sepia vs color photo.

        I ‘ve spent the last 18 months thinking of all the good times and only good things. and I still wish they were here now. But some things going on in our life that make me…resentful? angry? that we wouldn’t be in this position right now if it weren’t for them. But I also know intellectually that everything was done out of love and care, just…..misguided probably? Some recent, and some old that I should’ve gotten over by now.

        It used to be that whenever my mother said something upsetting or behaved poorly, I missed my dad deeply b/c if he were here, he would’ve shielded me from it and talked to her about it. But now….I’m mad at him for enabling her all these years and dumping it on me to be the better and bigger person and take her nonsense.

        I want to say it’s culture/religion that drives this thinking but I have a feeling that it’s universal — the idea that parents can do no wrong and never speak ill of them, living or dead.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          If you think of emotions as a pendulum swinging back and forth, then it’s logical that if you spent time thinking only of good things you will probably spend some time wrestling with the bad stuff.

          It’s a sorting process and in some cases a reality check. Your emotions will swing back to some where in the middle. However this does take time, please be sure not to set deadlines for yourself on this one! ;)

          You have an added wrinkle in that your father’s actions are STILL impacting your life. Now you are shielding your mother. And it’s a job you do not want, did not sign up for but here you are, trying to be a “good daughter”.
          Part of resolving your anger in the past may also entail setting boundaries in current time.

          You are actually very smart and very insightful. That’s an asset. It will help you here.

    5. Generic Name*

      I think anger at someone who died is absolutely part of the grieving process. I was angry at my uncle for a while after he died. He was gay and he shut himself off from our family for 30 years because he assumed that we wouldn’t be supportive of him. He was absolutely wrong on that point and we would have welcomed him and his partner with open arms. It’s normal and your feelings are valid. It will take time to work through those feelings. Therapy can help

    6. Sunset Maple*

      Yeah, definitely. Just because someone is gone doesn’t mean the damage they did is magically resolved. My MIL was a complete piece of ****, and the more I learn as my husband unpacks his psychic baggage over the years, the more I hate her. She’s been dead over a decade and I still seethe when I think of how badly she destroyed her kids’ lives. It isn’t “part of grieving” for me, though, because I was glad to see her go, and I don’t feel a speck of guilt for it.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Yep! Very angry.

      In my case, it was gradually processing all the lies she told, all the ways she’d been horrible to me & other family members, all the selfish things she’d done and the long-term consequences for me & other people.

      Some of that stuff I didn’t even know about until after she died. Some I knew but suppressed because I felt a moral obligation to at least give her some basic dignity & care as a human being. And some I thought I’d resolved but it came boiling up again.

      It was never going to get fixed or reconciled when she was alive because she was a narcissist who gave zero fucks about anyone else. So I just had to do the work & process it after she died, so I could be free of it.

      I felt guiltier while she was alive, because my dear mother loved her for some reason, and so my anger felt disloyal to mom. Now they are both beyond being hurt by anything I say or do, so I can be honest with myself about all the crap she pulled.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        It was never going to get fixed or reconciled when she was alive because she was a narcissist who gave zero fucks about anyone else. So I just had to do the work & process it after she died, so I could be free of it.

        WOW, that’s exactly what I feel but about the living and the present. That things will never be worked through, and I’ll just wait til afterwards to work through it.

    8. Dancing Otter*

      Thank you for validating my feelings, too.

      I am executor for my late cousin. She died in February, but I had to step in in November under a power of attorney after her PCP said she could no longer take care of herself physically or mentally. She left such a G-d awful mess that I wish I’d never agreed to do it!

      Her decline and death were neither sudden nor unexpected. She was on her third type of chemotherapy, had been LOA from her job since LAST February, and actually joked (half fun and full earnest) about chemo brain. Also, she was way past the age for full Social Security and Medicare.

      Yet, she had not applied for either Medicare nor Social Security until after her employer based disability and medical insurance ran out. I am STILL, with the help of my Congressman’s office, trying to get the Medicare straightened out. Social Security actually informed us about an old 401K from a prior employer, about which she had left absolutely no information.
      She put all her bills on paperless billing through a service that recognizes neither power of attorney nor probate court orders (letters of office), so I have to call all the utilities every month to find out how much to pay. She may have had paper copies of her previous tax returns, but we can’t find them, because she hadn’t filed or thrown out a single piece of paper in probably a year. And she never divulged her passwords until it was too late and she couldn’t remember them, so anything on her computer might as well not exist.

      We had to hire a clean-out company to haul everything out, because the whole house was… let’s just say that the health department would have condemned the place as unfit for human habitation, and the animal welfare authorities would have taken away her poor dog for its own health and safety.

      Sorry, that got long.
      TLDR: If she had set out to make everything as difficult as possible, she couldn’t have done a more thorough job of it. But how can I be so heartless to be angry at poor, dead, Cousin X?

  96. Gaia*

    Hey – I need help with my new living room. I have no idea how to arrange my furniture. Here’s a link to some pictures and a layout (please excuse the mess. I’m still unpacking!). The last three pictures are of the model apartment.

    Any help or ideas would be so appreciated because I’m at a total loss!

    https://imgur.com/a/5gwK2dl

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I have had the better luck when I run the longer pieces of furniture parallel to the longer wall in the room.
      It looks like the 202 inch wall is the longer wall?
      And it looks like the couch is perpendicular to the 202 inch wall? I hope I am getting this. So I would consider putting the back of the couch up against that wall OR putting the couch so it is facing that wall from the other side of the room. (Allowing for walk space, of course.)

      1. Gaia*

        You got it right!

        That is what I’m thinking. My concern there though is if it faces the long walk, it will block access to the kitchen and if it runs along that wall it looks into the kitchen and the TV would be off to the side.

        Bah! I’m afraid the couch really just may be too big for this space

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Is there a way to put it diagonally in the room?

          Yeah, it does look like the couch could be a little too long. But I’d let this incubate for a few days before toss the couch entirely.

          1. Gaia*

            I’ll try playing with it at an angle.

            This couch was perfect in my last place because the living room was giant. I’ll be sad if I end up having to let it go. But I want to exhaust all options first!

    2. Enough*

      One thing you could try is putting the couch across from the long wall. Put it as close as you are comfortable with it to the laundry closet. Chair on the left. With the TV right across from there you will be close to the TV, probably about 4ft. Or try angling the couch from the left corner by the window and put the TV on the same angle across the corner. The angle (location of the right arm) will be determined by proximity to the laundry closet. Chair on the right of the TV. This looks like it might give you room for a small table to eat at in the future.

      1. Gaia*

        This is helpful. I’ll give this a try tomorrow and hopefully come up with some good choices.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Is that big laundry closet just floating between the kitchen and your living room? There are two circulation spaces next to it. Do both of those lead into the kitchen?

      If so, it looks to me like you’re losing a ton of useful space to that wide circulation area to the right of the laundry tower as you face the kitchen. I would think about getting some kind of space divider and using the left hand hallway to access your kitchen.

      If you’re able to do that, you could put the sofa on the long wall facing the laundry. You could have a large Tower of Something in that big space to the right of the laundry — I would look for two Ikea type tall cabinets back-to-back, one facing the living room and one facing the kitchen. Put your TV on the living room side of that unit, to the right of the laundry and facing the sofa. Use the back side of the unit for kitchen storage.

      There’s an alcove behind where your sofa is currently, with the window behind it. The model unit has that as a breakfast nook. That looks pretty nice. Otherwise I’m always a fan of a comfy chair and ottoman, a good reading light, and some low bookshelves under the window.

      1. Not A Manager*

        If do a divider-type piece of furniture, obviously it doesn’t have to go floor-to-ceiling. I’d keep it big enough that it looks intentional, but low enough that you see the kitchen and get light from both rooms.

      2. Gaia*

        The open area to the left actually leads to the front door, bedrooms and bathrooms. But yes, I hate the location of the laundry closet.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I think the set-up you have now is the best you can do with the furniture you have. It’s really not bad. I would try to incorporate the alcove a little bit more into the sofa/living room experience. Experiment with centering the sofa in that space, vs. keeping it off-center and getting one small side table to balance it.

          I would see about tall bookshelves and/or some art on the walls next to the window. You could do one bookshelf tower (the Ikea Billy series is very affordable), and one long poster or fabric hanging. And you might want to think about a different curtain. There’s nothing wrong with the one you have, but I don’t think it does much to harmonize the window alcove with the sofa.

          Basically, I would work with the set-up you have, which I think is the most practical, and then look at it more from a decorating perspective to try to harmonize it.

          1. alex b*

            Yeah, I agree. With that sofa in this space, I would center it in front of the alcove and put tall things (plants, or, as NAM said, a tall bookcase or art) on either side of the window. Asymmetrical would probably be preferable (different things on either side), but symmetrical works too. Tall is the key. I’d put the side table on the wall-side of the sofa.

            I realize this makes the sofa not squarely facing the tv, but can’t tvs like that be angled?

            Then I would get a large coffee table. And I think I might play with the rug placement.

            PS Gaia– your apartment is SO cute!

            1. Gaia*

              Thanks, Alex b! I’m so self conscious and was very nervous to post pictures :)

              Instead of a coffee table, what do you think about a large ottoman? There’s one that goes with my couch I could get. It’s oversized (to match the couch)

              1. Not A Manager*

                I vote for an ottoman. I love ours because we can prop our feet on it, we have a tray (with sides) so we can use it as a stable surface, and when we have guests we use it for extra seating.

              2. alex b*

                Oh, totally– I think you just need a big, functional thing there. An ottoman would be great!
                It looks like a nice place! I’ve rented for 15 yrs in a high COL city; there’s never an apartment without cons and weird details. You have a lot of space, and I really like your kitchen cabinets and floors, and your ceiling light is way better than the one that’s in the model.
                Congrats on moving in! That’s the hard part! The fun part is setting it up! :)

                What’s hanging above your sink? I love it!

          2. Gaia*

            Thanks! I like the idea of something tall. I think the empty space behind the couch is what is bothering me. It feels so….unused but also not enough space to use and not feel crowded. I kind of like the idea of a tall bookcase and maybe some plants!

    4. acmx*

      I’d bring the couch forward a bit more and make the end table more of a cocktail table. You could maybe mount the TV (check your lease).
      Or as Enough says, couch facing the long wall allowing space to open the laundry doors plus some (too bad you can’t replace them with curtains or bi-fold doors).
      Do you need a desk area? If so, I’d put it behind the couch in that nook area. Or your chair can go there.
      If you need a table, I’d put in on that wall next to the window where your chair currently is.
      I’d get rid of other smaller furniture before I got rid of the couch. I think you’re fine with what you have.

      1. Gaia*

        I wish I could mount the TV but my lease prohibits it and they even mentioned it at move in. Absolutely can’t do it (but hanging other things is fine?)

  97. Might Be Spam*

    My daughter just moved into a new apartment and there’s a strong smell of mothballs. She thinks it is coming from the basement and she can’t run the air conditioner or furnace because the smell gets worse. The owner knows about the smell but hasn’t done anything about it. She needs suggestions about how to get rid of the smell and talk to the landlord. The smell is getting worse and you can now also smell it outside the building. Could this be a gas leak?

    1. Pennyworth*

      I don’t think gas and mothballs smell at all similar, but either of them could be a health risk if they are strong enough to smell outside the building. Are there other apartment owners or tenants having the same problem? I’d present it to the landlord as a strong chemical smell which is a potential health hazard, which should make them investigate quickly because of liabilityif it is dangerous.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        Liability is a good point.
        Other tenants have noticed the smell also. Landlord sent a group text to the tenants saying that someone needs to put the mothballs in a closed container. So far that’s been the only response from the landlord.

    2. Bob*

      She can call the fire department and ask advice but gas leaks don’t smell like mothballs.
      If the smell is made worse from the HVAC perhaps the mothballs are in the vents or the returns?

      1. Might Be Spam*

        It’s possible that whatever it is, could be in more than one location because the smell comes through the vents and can also be smelled outside near the parking area.

        1. Bob*

          Could be.
          My recommendation of calling the local fire department would handle the gas issues, they will have procedures in place and testing equipment to determine if it is gas and how to proceed if it is.
          The OP should keep a copy of all landlord correspondence from texts to voicemails to verbal (is using the phone to record legal in their location?). If it turns out to be a health issue and it goes to mediation or the courts, evidence makes or breaks the case (or the lease).

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      Get a doctor’s note and break the lease.

      If the smell is bad, and the landlord is that lazy, all you’ll be doing is fighting until the lease is up.

      Moth ball smell lingers forever and someone is using them for pest control. The source needs to be removed, not masked.

  98. Vegetable juice vs whole vegetables*

    Hi
    Let me start by saying I know that eating whole vegetables would clearly be better for me but it’s a taste/texture problem for me. I want to buy a juicer to try and get more vegetables in my diet but am not sure if it’s worth it given that the the fibre would be removed but am guessing there would still be vitamins/minerals left in the juice. Can anyone who does make their own juices share their experience/advice.
    Thanks

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      We got a juicer from our wedding registry back in 2013. We have used it probably twice in 7 years. We didn’t realize that it takes a LOT of fruits and veggies to make one cup of juice. It was pretty wasteful and expensive so it’s been sitting in the basement for a long time.

      1. BRR*

        My friend said something similar about her juicer. Something like “it takes a lot to get a glass of juice. No wonder it’s so expensive.” And then got rid of hers.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Would you be open to smoothies? I think getting a good blender would be more versatile.

      If you do want a juicer, that’s the kind of thing I would buy used locally since I bet there would be a lot of used a couple times ones available. More economical and less wasteful.

      1. Mimosa Jones*

        I vote for smoothies as well. I have a half cup of frozen spinach in my breakfast smoothie (Chocolate peanut butter banana) and I don’t notice the taste or texture. It adds a little sweetness too.

        You could also check out a couple of the books that tell you how to sneak Puréed veggies into kid’s food.

        If thrift stores are open in your area you can probably find a used juicer pretty easily. My store has a 7 day return policy on all appliances in case it doesn’t work.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        Juicing does still include many nutrients, not, as you point out, the fiber.
        Avoid juicing spinach or other high oxalate greens, you would be getting much more of them in one sitting by juicing than you could if chewing.

        It does take a lot of veggies to make juice but you dont need to go for volume of juice, just a day’s list of veggies.

        If you don’t already have a juicer, I’d suggest buying the (expensive) fresh made juices from a whole foods or other store for a few weeks. You would get a sense of how much veggie juice fits into your life and though expensive, they are much cheaper than a good quality juicer.

        I personally hate cleaning my supposedly easy to clean breville juicer and my old champion that I inherited from my mom. I don’t value juicing enough to clean them!! And I eat a strict whole foods, plant based diet.

    3. sequined histories*

      Just a caution: drinking lots of juice can be unhealthy because juice is mostly sugar and water even if it’s made from kale and carrots or whatever. So if you’re swapping out one can of soda per day for a class of vegetable juice every day, that might improve your health, but if you end up drinking a lot more sugar water than you did before, ir might actually be detrimental.

      There are food processors that puree whole foods along with ice and fruit and nut butter and so on that can produce a beverages that still includes the fiber and is probably healthier than juice. Possibly that type of beverage would trigger your issues with taste and texture–I guess you can’t tell unless you try it. Some parents try to “trick” their picky children into consuming more beans and vegetables by pureeing them or cooking them and mashing them and scneaking them into otherwise “acceptable” cooked foods with a smooth texture like soup or mashed potatoes. Since it sounds like you’re trying to find a workaround for your own food aversion, you might try researching those types of suggestions and seeing if you can make any of them work for you.

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      If you have them in your area, go to a grocery store or cafe that sells fresh-squeezed vegetable juice and drink a bunch of it to see if you like it before buying a juicer.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My first juice tossed out the pulp.

      From what I read the less you toss out the more nutrients you are getting. For example, if you use the skin on apples in the applesauce you get more nutrients from just leaving the skin on.

      My second “juicer” is a monster. I blew the bucks on a Vita-mix. I am super happy with it. My husband laughed at the 2 horse power motor, “My DRILL does not have a 2hp motor on it!!” ha!
      You don’t have to buy something this expensive, but I do recommend looking at the rating on the motor to understand the quality of the item. And I recommend buying something that doesn’t toss out the pulp.

      I can make soups, sherbet and various things with this machine.

      1. The Time Being*

        This. My mother got really into smoothies a few years ago and bought herself a massive Vitamix monster. I love going to visit her and having a giant fruit & veg smoothie each morning! Couldn’t make myself do it at home — the noise really bothers me — but smoothies are a good alternative to juicing that get you more of the good stuff without being as tiresome as chowing down on a plate of greens.

    6. CoffeeforLife*

      I have both a vitamix blender which it great at making smoothies,and an Omega slow masticating juicer. The juicer is expensive, but the pulp is quite dry so you aren’t losing juice. You can use the pulp in your chili, baked goods, soups – just depends on what you are juicing.

      Or maybe drink V-8?

    7. Alex*

      I have a juicer that was given to me by a neighbor. It’s great, but as others have said, it takes a LOT of fresh produce to get a glass of juice, and that gets really expensive. I only do it once in a while as a treat.

      There are a lot of other ways to disguise vegetables. Recipes that use shredded vegetables might be good, like shredding them into meatloaf, pasta sauce, or lasagna. Blended soups might be good option. And as others have said, you can make smoothies. All of these would probably be a better vegetable “replacement” than juice.

      1. Pepperbot*

        But all are also likely to have the taste and texture issues that led you to ask the question in the first place, OP. I have the same problems and these suggestions never work for me. Yes, I know I’d be better off eating the fruit with skin on. But I can’t. I’ll gag, choke then throw up. And then have weeks or months of not wanting to even taste that fruit again. It’s not worth it.

        1. fposte*

          I agree that’s something to avoid, but I think Alex’s suggestions get around that very problem. Blending veg into a soup or a smoothie isn’t that different from juice, and they shouldn’t have any more skin than juice would. It’s just making the veg go farther than straight juice.

    8. Vegetable juice vs whole vegetables*

      Thanks everyone – really appreciate all the comments and suggestions.

      I think I will try out recipes where I can hide the veggies and keep making my very smooth pureed soups.

    9. Aphrodite*

      I wouldn’t juice as the fiber is important and it does produce a lot of unnecessary waste. However, may I suggest soups like gazpacho. You can if you want chop them finely and blend them thoroughly so you have less texture but you can also leave them with some roughage. My log-honed recipe for gazpacho (though I love all versions including fruit ones) involves good commercial vegetable juice and a lot of vegetables, fresh herbs and a spice or two. It is so fantastic I can hardly prevent myself from living on it alone; if it had protein I would!

      So check out soups of all kinds, both hot and cold. And use a good blender. Mine is a plain old (at least 25 years) Oster that can match any Vitamix. No need to spend a ton of money on a blender.

    10. lazy intellectual*

      I really like pureed veggie soups. Just boil everything down with some stock, garlic, and onion and it just tastes like a cozy, warm meal. Pair with some toast or garlic bread.

  99. puffle*

    Would be interested to hear some other perspectives on something.

    Basically, I’ve been writing a fan fiction about a video game character, who I think has an interesting development arc over the series.

    Character’s voice actor has gone onto twitter and made some gross comments on the Black Lives Matter protests which horrified me. I am completely in support of the Black Lives Matter movement and felt ill when I read this voice actor’s posts.

    Ironically, a lot of the character’s development arc is around overcoming his personal prejudices towards a minority group in the in-game universe and overall becoming a more accepting and open minded person. My fan fiction is written about this development arc.

    Essentially I suppose my question is: is it morally wrong to enjoy and create content around a character whose voice actor has made some awful comments?

    On the one hand, a video game character is created by a whole team of people who write, script, design and animate that character, and the voice actor generally has less of a role in that process than for example a television actor. On the other hand, the voice actor does still play a very key role in our perceptions of that character.

    Any thoughts?

    1. James*

      Here’s how I think of it: if there was a racist engineer that helped in the construction of a building, would you consider it morally wrong to enter the building? Probably not. Video games (or music or movies or TV shows or books) are really no different. The art is separate from the artist. It has to be that way; if we only allowed ourselves to engage with artwork from people who we 100% agreed with we’d have to abandon the whole concept of art, and we’d lose the ability to understand alternate perspectives. Echo chambers aren’t good.

      If the artist is really problematic but I find the work compelling for some reason I’ll find ways to engage with it legally without providing income to the artist. Things like borrowing a book from someone who has it, borrowing it from a library, or buying it from a second-hand store. That way I can engage with the ideas (which is fundamentally what art–including games–are about) without contributing to the lifestyle of someone I find reprehensible. I know it’s a small thing, but it’s something. It usually doesn’t come up, though; people that vile tend to not produce things worth engaging with.

      I do not understand the modern obsession with tying art to artist. Art engages with ideas, which are true or false regardless of who says them; to dismiss an artwork because of the artist is a fallacy (cross between Poisoning hte Well and Ad Hom). Especially in large-scale productions, like movies or triple-A video games, it’s unjustified to assume, without evidence, that most of the participants even agree with the message of the artwork. As often as not they don’t care; it’s a paycheck, nothing more. And quite often directors/developers pull tricks to keep the individual actors in the dark about what’s going on. So unless you know this game is the pet project of a specific voice actor, Id’ say you can assume he had little if any creative control and his views simply weren’t a factor.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      I don’t blame an actor or writer for creating or portraying a morally bad fictional character, and I don’t blame a character for being written or portrayed by a RL person I don’t like. You gotta be able to separate fiction from reality, yanno?

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        P.S.

        Yeah, sure, once you get into giving them money for their product there’s a question of whether or not you’re supporting them, but I hardly think the voice actor is going to in any way benefit from your fanfiction, so your actions are entirely unrelated and will have no positive or negative effect on the person in question.

        That being said, the point of fanfiction is to enjoy yourself, so if you enjoy not writing the fanfiction Because Moral Reasons more than you would enjoy writing it… then feel free to not write it.

        1. James*

          I don’t think voice actors get a cut of the profits from game sales. I think–and I may be wrong, and will welcome any corrections–that they get paid prior to the game being released. If it’s a franchise that’s known to be producing multiple games with the same voice actors (Witcher, Halo, that sort of thing) the issue gets hazier, as buying one game incentives the production of another with the same voice actor. But if it’s a one-off game or one where the voice actors aren’t typically brought back (Elder Scrolls, for example) the actor was already paid, and nothing you can do can change it.

          1. RagingADHD*

            I’m sure actors who already were Names before the game probably negotiate for residuals, they’d be stupid not to – particularly if they are going to represent it at cons.

            But I mean, if you like the work, why boycott it just to spite one person? They aren’t going to starve or change if you do. They will just make content that pays better.

            And if the content wasn’t problematic on its own, why undermine it?

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      It is both weird and logical to tie art to artist; I feel the pull of both directions. But if you are writing fan fiction, you can create a path for the character to post to social media and learn from mistakes?

    4. KoiFeeder*

      Kill canon and slow roast it at 350º. The video game company can’t stop you and neither can the voice actor.

      More seriously, if you’re worried that people will think you agree with the va’s posts, I don’t think it’s that big of an issue. As long as you’re not espousing them in the fanfic yourself, it’s probably fine? I mean, I love Zeratul to bits and pieces, but I have no idea what his VAs are doing on twitter at any given time- and I don’t care!

    5. The Time Being*

      I think in this case because it is the actor, rather than a creator, there isn’t a huge moral problem. I’m not a big believer that art and artist can be 100% separated, because when you’re talking about content creators, very often their prejudices and problems will come through in their art (ie, HP Lovecraft’s massive racism expressed in his work by the constant underpinning themes of blood corruption and cultural degradation by inhuman outsiders) but there is a difference between an actor playing a scripted role and a writer actually writing the role.

      Also, fanfiction is by its nature transformative; one of the great strengths of fan work is, IMO, the ability to take on the good aspects of a troubled work and discard the worse aspects.

      So, no, I don’t think you’re morally in the wrong for this. I do think it’s good to ask yourself this question, and to critically engage with the work you’re looking at to make sure that you’re not just accepting works that will mess with your perception of the real world.

      1. Gruntilda*

        Agree with this. Why not write fanfic where the character encounters someone very much like the actor, and convinces them to rethink their awful ideas?

    6. RagingADHD*

      Good heavens, no.

      I mean, there are people for whom a performer’s personal life ruins their enjoyment. That’s a valid reaction, I’d never criticize someone who had it.

      But it’s not a mark of moral superiority, and it’s not a moral obligation.

      Do you know the views of your mail carrier? Of every person who cooks or serves you food? Of everyone who works in your grocery store or pharmacy? Who built your home? Who printed the books you read?

      Of course not.

      Actors get paid to do a job, not run a religion. You can enjoy the product without being a fan of the person outside it.

    7. puffle*

      Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this, you’ve definitely raised some really interesting and useful points and it was helpful to get some outside perspectives :)

  100. Another pest question*

    Since there are so many pest questions this weekend, one more…what to do about roaches? I have tried the baits, but that does not seem to make any difference. I’ve tried Raid gel and that works for a bit but then seems not to. I don’t know if I need to reapply more often than what the blurb says or what. Are there better gels? Non-toxic alternatives? Do those ultrasonic gizmos work? They seemed to work in one apartment, but not in another after I moved.

    1. Ranon*

      I’ve had best luck with the gel, monitoring frequently so I can figure out where they’re getting in, and replenishing it every time it’s eaten until the population had been reduced enough it doesn’t disappear instantly. Diatomaceous earth helps too.

      If you know where they’re coming in sealing up cracks, etc. and making sure there’s no standing water or food out is the most helpful

    2. James*

      Hire an exterminator. The problem with roaches is that they are tenacious and thrive in human habitats. They are extremely hard to kill, they reproduce like crazy, they live in areas that you can’t see…in short, they’re a nightmare. I admire them from the perspective of evolutionary biology, but I hate them with a burning passion personally.

      It really does take specialized knowledge to get rid of them. We got them when we were living in California (not through slovenliness; it’s not a question of “if” but “when” out there), and it took us forever to get rid of them. Once we called the exterminator things got better.

      A few things we found helped:
      –Air-tight containers for all foodstuff. Don’t let them get in.
      –Get rid of any cardboard and paper that you can, and put the rest in sealed containers. Roaches can live on paper for a surprisingly long period.
      –Bug bombs work wonders.
      –Consistency. You’re not fighting a battle, you’re fighting a siege. Switch up the bates and traps from time to time (even roaches learn eventually), but be diligent about applying them.

    4. hermit crab*

      If you haven’t tried diatomaceous earth, you might as well give it a try. It works physically rather than chemically (by breaking down the bug’s exoskeleton) so it’s kid- and pet-safe. I’ve seen instructions online for making nontoxic bait with diatomaceous earth and ingredients that attract roaches, like cocoa powder or flour. I doubt this will fix your problem entirely, but if you’re worried about applying toxic insecticides yourself it might tide you over until you get a professional. I’ve personally never used diatomaceous earth for roaches (I’m the one who keeps Madagascar hissing cockroaches as pets, LOL) but I did use it very successfully to get ants out of my kitchen last year.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I wrote about my problems with ants up above. I tried several things before breaking down and using a chemical insecticide. The Ortho Home Defense that worked so well at getting rid of my ants is supposed to work for roaches too. It only had a noticeable odor for a few hours and, as advertised, it dried without leaving any stains on the floor and mopboards where I sprayed it. Something to consider.

  101. Anon for this*

    My next door neighbor is a hoarder and my late aunt was too. No animals, thank god. Neighbor has what they call a “clean” hoard. Stacks of objects everywhere you turn. Goat trails throughout what should be a spacious house. She’s at least 75 and she still goes out every day and comes back with more stuff.

    My aunt did not have a clean hoard. She just dropped stuff wherever. She would buy and buy and buy and never ever cleaned anything up. After her death, they had to sell her house with the contents which as far as I know all went into several dumpster. The people who bought the house had to practically strip the house to the studs.

    This gets worse the longer it goes untreated and it gets harder to cure with age. It’s not about the stuff. Don’t make it about the stuff.

    You might try visiting the forum “Stepping Out of Squalor.” They’ve got a mix of people in their community. Some are hoarders. Some aren’t. But they’re trying to get better and they may have suggestions and resources.

    1. Anon for this*

      Nesting fail. Sorry this belongs under Difficult Conversation’s question.

  102. Crop Tiger*

    I want to thank everyone for their advice about my blind kitten. She hasn’t killed herself despite all my fears! She also turned out to be only mostly blind. She can definitely see movement, and regularly flings herself into windows trying to chase birds. Unfortunately she has a lot of other birth defects, which I’m sure are not helped by the whole flinging herself into windows thing.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      An encouraging story perhaps? My aunt had a blind cat with several birth defects. The front legs were permanently bent at the “elbows”. Yeah, high up near the torso. Fortunately the legs were bent toward her body so she could “walk” forearm over forearm. (I hope you can kind of get a visual here.) Since the legs in front were so short, the cat’s butt was always up in the air. The back legs worked fine, and eventually became super strong because of extra use. She sat like a bunny, with her spine straight up in the air and just held her front legs next to her.

      Now the cat was blind or mostly blind. I felt so bad about all this, but I noticed the cat navigated around better than I did. The cat never tripped on anything, never had balance or tetter-tottering problems, and the sense of smell worked JUST FINE. The day I stopped feeling sorry for the cat was the day I found this blind, encumbered kitty HALF way into MY bag of potato chips and munching contently. (The blind cat with bad legs, CLIMBED on to the kitchen table to get the chips.)

      I think they manage better than some humans. Once she sees that you routinely take care of her, I am sure she will amaze you with her coping skills.

      1. Crop Tiger*

        Oh, she’s been with us for about a year and a half now. I just wish she didn’t get into some of places she does. She hasn’t managed to get on top of the stove yet (she can’t jump on anything she can’t learn to get to by stages), but I did find her sitting on a picture frame by the ceiling. Not sure how it didn’t rip out of the wall. She’s a mostly normal cat who occasionally runs into walls and needs arthritis meds.

  103. KoiFeeder*

    Roombas!

    I am officially out of spoons to do vacuuming, so I think I’m going to get myself a roomba. I’m looking at the Eufy 11s, because I have sound sensitivity and it’s the quietest one, but I’m open to suggestions on other models. Does anyone else have a roomba? Love it? Hate it? Waste of money? Best purchase ever?

    1. fposte*

      I had a Roomba years ago; now I have a Eufy. Full disclosure: I also have a cleaner come on the regular but use the Eufy for rooms the cleaner doesn’t go into and, apparently, for pandemics. I think they’re especially useful if you have pets, which I currently don’t, but I still like keeping the floor fluff down. Downsides: they can’t get into corners really well and most rooms will have robo-obstacles like narrow chair leg arrays that they won’t be able to get past; you also need to pick cords, curtains, etc. up before letting them do their thing, which can be a pain in some rooms (especially if you have a rug with fringe, because that needs to be tucked under or the rug removed entirely before setting the robo-vac loose). II started planning my rooms to be better serviced by the robo-vac anyway, and it is super-useful to mitigate floor-level filth without hauling a vacuum around. Plus I kind of enjoy cleaning them out afterwards.

    2. Amethyst*

      I have one! It’s not a Roomba, but it’s basically the same thing–an EcoVacs Deebot N79S. I’ve christened it DiNozzo as it loves to vacuum my bedroom, LOL. It’s such a suck-up.

      It’s great for quick vacuums, but it doesn’t have enough power to do a good vacuuming that the upright ones do. Do I regret my purchase? Absolutely not. It’s wonderful to just have it go so I can do something else. (Having it run while doing laundry is amazing!) It can get underneath my bed where my vacuum can’t go, which is awesome, & it cuts down on dust there. Just get used to the fact that it will vacuum where it wants to vacuum. There is zero rhyme or reason to it, which is very much unlike how we vacuum.

      Be prepared to empty the dust tray after each run. I’ve found that I have to empty it once during the run due to cat hair. Get replacement brushes for when you need it. You may need to do some minor maintenance with the main brush as mine gets my hair tangled up in it so the brush can’t move when it’s running. My cats hate it; they believe it stalks them so they flip out when it’s working, lol.

      A friend of mine actually got one for her home that is more focused on pet hair after she saw how mine works. (She has a zoo.) She absolutely loves hers; it saves her so much time, & she has it set to run once/day to manage the hairballs all over her house. It’s SO worth it. AND when we use the upright about once/month for me (twice/month for my friend), it’s not as extensive a vacuum as it would’ve been if we didn’t have our robot vacuums.

    3. Not A Girl Boss*

      We have an iLife A4 ($150 on Amazon) and love it. I convinced several of my cousins to get them and theyre equally obsessed, especially the ones with toddlers.

      I’m sure the “name brand” ones are better in some ways, but imo not better enough to warrant the extra $$$$. At least try the cheaper one to see if it works for your needs in general.

      I just set it to run downstairs every night as I head up for bed, and sometimes bring it upstairs to run during the daytime. I particularly enjoy it for getting under the beds and couches where the normal vacuum doesn’t reach well. But I’ve found its not a complete sub for the normal vacuum – I still have to do a proper job a few times a month. It just keeps the dog hair tumble weeds at Bay.

      My only complaint is that the living room rug has tassels and it gets hopelessly caught on them so now I have to block off the room so it can’t go in there.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        When I’m juggling doctor’s appointments, the projects to keep the school paying for my master’s degree, and keeping my failing body fed and rested, vacuuming just doesn’t make the cut.

        Unfortunately, I think my living area shows up on TOXMAP now, so it’s time to do something.

    5. Sunset Maple*

      I really want a robotic vacuum, but my one cat has a medical problem that leads to constant puking. From what I hear, pet messes get dragged around and made much worse.

    6. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      There was a thread on this last week and not all the responses were favorable. Our Bob Sweep (a cheaper version of a Roomba) basically drove us to drink. It could not finish a two-room, 950 sq ft apartment in a single day, constantly threw error messages, couldn’t climb onto a rug (we live in an apartment where rugs are required) and was a pain to clean out. Maybe a Roomba-brand Roomba is better, but we’re not going to find out; we switched back to a normal, human-propelled vacuum after a couple of months and aren’t going back.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I was afraid of that. I usually collapse comments if I’m not interested, but I probably should’ve backread before making this post, huh?

        To be fair, my meatsuit also cannot finish a two room apartment in a day, constantly throws out error messages, tends to slip on rugs with the cane, and is a pain to clean out, so I think the roomba breaks about even.

        1. fposte*

          With only two rooms and a high distaste for cleaning, I still think it’s worth considering. Look at specific brands and models for longer term satisfaction, and look around the space you’d use it in and identify what would need to be picked up. Do you have a floordrobe situation, a forest of chair and table legs, and a lot of cords that will be too much of a PITA to pick up for Roomba use, or are you a floor minimalist who can just let ‘er rip? That’s the question to answer.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My experience with a Roomba (name brand) was not great — not bad, but not great.

        What I liked: I liked watching it run around. It’s cute! It helped me keep my kitchen floor and hallway clean, my high-traffic areas. It handled all my surfaces well — hardwood, carpet tile, large rugs, carpet — and no trouble transitioning

        What I didn’t like: Mostly, it couldn’t truly automate — had to do too much pre-cleaning and post-cleaning. 1) It couldn’t get under my sofa or most furniture in my living room, which is where all the hair and dustbunnies live. It could only do half the living room and tended to bonk into my furniture. 2) It couldn’t do my striped carpet tiles. The black stripes tricked the optical sensor into thinking it was falling down the stairs and it would shut off. Therefore it couldn’t do the dining room at all. So that’s two main rooms it can’t properly do. 3) I am not the neatest person, and tend to have shoes/bags/cords about. Not to mention the ottomans, entry rug, and small appliances like fans. I had to prep each room and raise up all the things on the floor including cords then manually start it. (That did prompt me to tidy up!) 4) My hair wound itself around the brush badly. I had to remember to clean it every time it ran. 5) It took hours to run. Once I’d cleared all the stuff, I could just vacuum in a few minutes.

        I used it for maybe 2 years, it was a gift and worth it for awhile.

    7. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      We bought one of the earlier Roombas when it first started coming out. We had a 2400 sq ft house with wall-to-wall carpeting, and a Sheltie. It was… not a great experience. I found myself spending more time cleaning out the Roomba’s brush so it could be restarted again, than I would’ve spent actually vacuuming. It would stop and beep every five minutes because the dog hair would get tangled in its brushes. I gave up after about a month of trying. Hopefully newer models are better, this was 12-14 years ago.

  104. Purt’s Peas*

    Any advice about breaking a streak of insomnia? I had a bad night Friday night—like up till 5 AM—and then last night I was honestly just kept awake because I was so worried about having another night of insomnia :p

    Normally I’m a really good sleeper so I kinda think I just need to get my sleepy confidence back and not have another night of self fulfilling prophecy. Any tips on this kind of thing?

    1. Tortally HareBrained*

      While I don’t have diagnosed insomnia, I occasionally have trouble both falling asleep and staying asleep. My newest “trick” is to use the Rain, Rain app on my phone to put on a nice mixture of gentle rain and thunder noises with an hour timer. I then tell myself I only have to lay in bed with my eyes closed for that hour, if I’m still awake when it shuts off I can get up and read, crochet, give myself permission to toss and turn, etc. So far I’ve used it consistently each night for about three weeks and I’m always asleep before the hour is up. I know one day it won’t happen, but then I’ll have relaxed and reset for at least an hour.

      I’ve heard other people do similar with audiobooks or the stories from the Calm app. Just something that keeps your brain distracted enough from spiraling thoughts but stops you from picking up the phone or seeking out other light sources.

      Hope you get some restful sleep soon.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Melatonin is benign and can help with re-syncing your sleep cycles.

      Sleep hygiene – no screens, books, etc in bed.

      If you have a lot of racing thoughts keeping you up, maybe try journaling for a few mins or making a to-do list depending on the nature of
      what’s on your mind? That way you won’t perseverate because you are worried about forgetting it.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      I just stay up for the rest of the next day, and then come night time I drink some toplexil (cough syrup also used to combat jet lag). It tends to kick it all into gear.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, we don’t have that in the U.S.; apparently the oxomemazine isn’t approved by the FDA. It’s always fascinating to hear about medicine that’s OTC in one place and not in another. (Probably benadryl would be the equivalent in the US.)

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, it’s only legal in like, 7 countries – most of them weird ones. But you could give benadryl a try.

          1. fposte*

            It’s like the way you can buy Tylenol with codeine OTC in Canada and the DEA needs to know about it in the U.S. It just intrigues me how it varies.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Sleeping pills, then making sure you stay up until you no longer can keep your eyes open. My insomnia is worse if I try to go to bed while sleepy but not 100% falling asleep, because, like you, I will start worrying about when I’ll fall asleep/if I’ll fall asleep. If I’m already closing my eyes involuntarily I’m so tired, then I fall asleep before my brain can get to stopping itself.

  105. Ask a Manager* Post author

    I’m gathering all the input about this weekend’s format here so it’s not all at the very start of the thread, now that it’s become fairly long.

    2. Yup, I said it!*

      It will be interesting to see how many posts that “ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas” will really be “here’s an update on my life” in disguise. ;)

      1. sswj*

        It IS possible to do a life update and generate a genuine discussion beyond ‘I’m so sorry …’. I think that’s what AAM is asking us to do – be creative in how things are phrased to generate true back and forth conversation.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        From what I gathered in last week’s post it is possible to do both…..

      3. Generic Name*

        It totally is. I wasn’t a fan of many of the blog style posts, but one poster in particular posted a lot of personal info but also asked for advice, and it seems like she’s taken peoples advice because the issues she was posting on months ago have been resolved. It’s kind of awesome to see, actually.

        1. WellRed*

          Yes, when you can see change or evolution it makes for interesting reading, when it’s the same old same old every week it can be frustrating, even from posters that I mostly enjoy.

    3. Courageous cat*

      Still love this format!!!! Hope everyone can find that they can still share the same things, just in a more engaging manner.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Is it OK to talk about the kitties! I love how comfy Wallace and Sophie still are with each other.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Sounds like Laurie is really coming out of his shell. That’s great!

          I’ve got a female cat who looks a lot like Laurie, only my kitty is actually very outgoing (I adopted her was that she picked me, and she generally loves people).

        2. Confused*

          Okay but why is this acceptable? This isn’t seeking advice. Shouldn’t the rules be applied consistently?

          1. Valancy Snaith*

            If anyone is going to receive leeway on the rule, I would assume it would be the person paying for the website, running it, and providing the place for the rest of us to chat. If I go to a dinner party, I’d certainly give more leeway to the host who invited, paid for, cooked us dinner, and hosted a lovely evening, rather than one of the guests who showed up to monopolize the conversation and eat the free food.

            1. This is Inconsistent*

              “ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas”

              Talking about your cats is neither of these.

              So why is it OK when it’s about you?

              1. Foreign Octopus*

                Because she runs the website.

                This is her house, she can do as she pleases.

              2. Annie Moose*

                Talking about cats sure seems like a discussion of ideas to me–the idea that cats are delightful!

              3. Ask a Manager* Post author

                It’s discussion (as well as “updates on things you received advice on in the past,” for that matter). The point is to be conversational. If you think “no one can comment on the cat photo” should be inherent in the new rules, I think you are missing the point.

                If you’re trying to say I’m exempting myself from the rules: I don’t think that’s happening in this instance, but I do expect the moderator/owner of the site/person who creates, hosts, and pays for the space will indeed have different rules. I’ve always played a different role here than others by virtue of that, and will continue to do so.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Not yet! But I figure it’ll take time. He’s definitely getting much more comfortable. (And affectionate! He likes to cuddle with the other cats more than anything, but he also finds my lap an acceptable substitute now.)

    5. Lucette Kensack*

      I love this idea.

      I’m not sure if this is what you intended, but I’m reading the new format as “Act like you’re the kind of person everyone wants at their dinner party.” Raise an idea you’ve been thinking about. Ask questions that provoke interesting questions. Share an occasional story, when it makes sense in the bubbling flow of the conversation. Connect threads that folks are talking about. Notice if you’re the only one thrilled with a particular topic, or if you’re doing more than your share of talking. Don’t trap everyone as you give a lengthy accounting of your day or week. Don’t try to pivot all conversations back to your story or the topics you’re personally most invested in. Don’t hog all the airtime.

      1. Lucette Kensack*

        And it strikes me that, if my reading of the rules is right, it helps explain why some folks like the new rules and others don’t.

        For folks who think of this space as a party that they drop into, these rules feel good. It’s the kind of party you want to go to, where conversation flows and different people take the lead and new ideas come up from people you haven’t heard from before.

        But for folks who think of this place as their community, these rules could feel awfully restrictive. A hangout with one’s crew has different rules than a dinner party. It’s ok for one person to do most of the talking if she had a crappy week and her friends are there to support her. It can be fun to hear a long description of your bestie’s week, because you know the supporting characters and enjoy the context.

        1. sequined histories*

          Lucette’s first comment above really helps me better understand a perspective that I would otherwise really struggle to comprehend, much less sympathize with.

          I think her second comment crystallizes beautifully why the change might not be equally welcomed by all. For sure, I’ve seen some posts here in the last few years that I scrolled past because I just didn’t have the bandwidth to even read through the litany of pain, much less reply. But I sure did notice that almost 100% of the time, people who did reply did so with great kindness and decency.

          That display of compassion toward the most vulnerable was definitely one of the major elements that made me think of this as a worthwhile (digital) community.

          1. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I think that’s a really awesome way to put it. I, too, struggled with it because I’m one of the guilty parties. And it didn’t help that some of htem felt like personal attacks rather than thoughtful perspectives like majority of the posters had shared. But last week’s more in depth discussion brought out more perspectives (as well as more kindness), as well as this thread and I can understand the shift in tone.

        2. LGC*

          I love this because you actually hit on why I felt so conflicted myself! Like, the community is nice (otherwise I wouldn’t have hung around – and I’ll admit, when it doesn’t feel that nice I take a break myself). But…regular commenters are only a small fraction of the readership.

        3. Christy*

          I’ve been a regular commenter on a blog where the blogger changed focus and many of us “regulars” honestly stopped reading and started keeping in touch via a Facebook group. It’s better for all of us, really! We’re not beholden to the blogger and she can do what she wants. And it hasn’t affected our friendships at all—I’ve been to weddings, stayed at their homes, visited while traveling. Facebook or a free Slack can both work well for this. You might find that you really enjoy it!

          (Side note, Alison, I haven’t been reading the weekend open threads much in the past year, and I don’t think I would have even realized it if not for this whole experiment. I appreciate it! The tenor has changed. It makes me wistful for five-years-ago Christy who was devastated when she felt like she was no longer welcome on her usual blog. Honestly I wouldn’t change a thing.)

    6. Mimmy*

      Not sure if it’s what you intended, but I think this also impacted the Friday Open Threads. I don’t think I’ve seen a regular Open Thread have less than 1,000 comments by this point in the weekend.

      I do enjoy reading updates from regular commenters about their ongoing situations, and I know others do as well. HOWEVER, I can definitely see how that can get out of hand. Even I’ve been guilty of writing posts that were mainly venting. For that I apologize.

      I think I like this new format – it’s more inviting.

      1. Lena Clare*

        I’ve noticed that too, and that there are more comments on the weekend thread now. I think it was over 2000 last weekend and I’ve not seen that before.

        2. Potatoes gonna potate*

          I noticed that a while ago, I figured the change was a result of everyone being home due to COVID – less people working and more talking about non weekend things, and tht included mental health issues coming about.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            I thought the poster who linked the timing to Captain Awkward mostly closing comments was onto something.

            1. Lena Clare*

              Oh I missed that one, that is interesting. They were saying that the closing of CA’s comments led to an influx here of those commenters?

            2. Traffic_Spiral*

              Yeah, but the CA commenters seemed to be the people that wanted to post or hear the 15k-word Sad Stories, so I’m not sure they’re responsible for the conversational bits.

      2. Schmitt*

        I think the Friday updates might have more to do with that. People come to the site & expect the Friday open thread to be the first post, go “oh it isn’t up yet?” and leave, maybe.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      One thing I noticed in the feedback to Alison’s request was that some people seem to think it means they could no longer bring up serious personal topics and that all posts had to be upbeat. I’m chiming in to say that interpretation felt off to me. I’m seeing this format as a request to have discussions and conversations, not to filter out particular topics.

      1. TechWorker*

        I think the dinner party analogy is not great there then? It’s generally *not* socially acceptable to ask for advice about something heavy or personal the first time you meet someone :)

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The dinner party and watercooler conversation analogies assume goodwill all around, an attempt to be inclusive (you don’t slam the new person for weighing in when they don’t know the background), and an attempt to keep things as a two-way conversation. Contra the coworker who traps you in your cubicle to monologue at you, which is how I think this lands for many people: “You seem like a community of nice people who will fix my loneliness and give me the support I don’t get anywhere else!”

          Real life example: A young relative died suddenly. Several of my husband’s coworkers told him about their experience with that. They hadn’t led with that at introductions, but it was a widespread experience that people could speak to if the context made it appropriate. I’ve had the occasional discussion on a heavy topic with someone I don’t know well because it was referred to in passing, someone had relevant experience, and so it was delved into in greater depth.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, a dinner party isn’t really what I am seeing here. I think this is more like coffee and conversation.
          Coffee and conversation can end up being anything from legal troubles to bats in the attic to family problems, etc. But it can also be good stuff like taking care of a new pup, buying a house, or developing a new hobby or exercise plan.

          And unlike a dinner party, here it’s okay to announce what you are interested in finding out more about.
          You can just start a new thread, “So I want to talk about ….”. Try saying that at a dinner party, ha!

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes — although I should note that I do agree with people who have said we’re not equipped to handle serious mental health concerns here. I don’t think that’s something that needs to be addressed with a rule; I think it’s likely more about the culture of the site overall. But it’s something I want to keep more of an eye on.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I wonder if people stopped posting questions because they felt their questions would be lost in the other posts that did not contain questions.
          I am marveling at how quickly the questions on a wide diversity of subjects came flooding back so fast with this change. There is a huge need out there to have a place to go where we can ask questions and get a respectful answer. Huge need.

          Just my opinion but 99% of life touches some aspect of mental health. I think you and people here already do a lot to help people with mental health just by talking through “life stuff”.

        2. WoodswomanWrites*

          We’re in agreement with your perspective on serious mental health issues. Thanks for clarifying.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      I think overall this is a good idea. You can scroll quicker and contribute to what you feel you can as it’s more organized by topic or interests.

    10. Chaordic One*

      I miss the old format. It was nice to be able to come here and vent and then have a kind-hearted soul make a comment along the lines of , “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” or offer some ideas about coping or just to validate that I’m not crazy and I’m not overreacting and that I’m in a not-so-great situation.

      1. BRR*

        You can still vent. From what you’re saying here, you could ask how others would cope with the situation or ask if you’re overreacting or not for validation.

      2. not an onion*

        I see why that would be a comfort but venting is asking for emotional work from the listeners. When a lot of people did that it changed the vibe of the space in to one that over time felt more depressing, in a way that could feel toxic for others. I know that might sound callous but the overall feel of the space does matter.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          This. Too many people wanting to use the Friday thread as an emotional dumping ground was leading to burnout. There are other boards for that.

            2. ...*

              Its not the sole responsibility of this blog to assist with mental health and make mental health referrals

    11. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Kinda like the idea from last week to keep the more “informative”-type posts in a separate thread.

    12. Anonish*

      The thing I did not expect was I feel more disengaged this week. I don’t have a specific question or discussion I want or need to start. A lot of advice people are asking about/for (house buying, hand tendon pain, etc) are things I don’t have experience with so I don’t want to add needless noise to the conversation if I don’t really have anything super helpful to add.

      But in a way having less threads I want to follow on the weekends here is actually kind of good for me because this weekend and last weekend I’ve spent a lot less time on the comments section of this site. The amount of time I spent on this site went WAY up when everything in my town shut down and I assume when things open up again, I won’t have as much free time to be online. So maybe a healthy change for me personally.

      I think it’s a positive change in many aspects (seems more positive, more distinct voices as someone pointed out) and a few losses for those who enjoy hearing some more personal things about others lives as some pointed out in other ways. Overall, I would say it’s been pretty good.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        The amount of time I spent on this site went WAY up when everything in my town shut down and I assume when things open up again, I won’t have as much free time to be online. So maybe a healthy change for me personally.

        I agree with you on the top paragraph as well, there are lots of things that aren’t relevant to my life (I dont’ game or run or garden) but I support peoples’ desire to post about those things. And I think that’ sthe beauty of this community, there are people from all walks of life with various experiences who are respectful and kind.

        100% what I went through and feel like the increase in weekend post comments are due to being shut in. Last week I was going through the weekend open threads from 2019 to look for something I had posted but couldn’t remember when. I went through allllll the posts and I noticed how different the atmosphere and mood was.

        Maybe because I’m one of the guilty parties, but I really didnt notice a change until March, when COVID shut everything down and people were/are staying home and that can take a toll on anyone’s mental psyche. I know when I was going out I was less inclined to follow along and post.

    14. Laura H.*

      I don’t know if this was covered or addressed last week but Allison, have you considered having a general life update comment anchor (like what’s been done here, idk what exactly to call it) that people can post under if they want, and only under that anchor comment?

      From what I saw with the COVID threads in the past and this one, it seemed like people are cognizant of it. There will likely be outliers but if anything this experiment does lean towards people can follow instructions.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        There’s a comment further upthread to this effect, which Alison responded to. June 6 at 9:31.

    15. Jessica*

      I read AAM every day at work. I pretty much ignored the weekend open threads because scrolling through updates I have no context for while on my cell phone was time consuming and, ultimately, not worth my time. When I saw the post about a format change, I did spend time reading this thread and it felt completely different. Easier to know right away whether the post is something I want to read and/or expand the replies, especially when posters lead with their topic/question.

    16. Blue Eagle*

      For myself, I don’t really understand all of the fuss – – maybe because my default is set to “collapse all”. I read the first sentence of a post and if I’m not interested (usually mental health thread or venting thread) I skip to the next post and don’t read the sub-comments. But sometimes a person has an oddball situation and would appreciate a bit of support (which was me in a different user name post) but didn’t expect or really want a discussion and was unexpectedly surprised with the positive support from this community. My biggest suggestions to make this forum more reader-friendly are to: (1) make “collapse all” the default, (2) if there is a tl:dr {that might not be the correct abbreviation}, put it at the top of the post, not at the bottom and (3) if you have a really long post {say more than 3 paragraphs} to put one sentence of the topic in the main post and put the long version in a sub-post. I’m really sad that I can’t do my monthly update on decluttering anymore as the positive reinforcement from other community members was very empowering to me.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        You can absolutely still do the monthly decluttering post! Just make it a conversation — so ask how others’ decluttering is going, etc., while giving your own progress update.

      2. valentine*

        I don’t really understand all of the fuss – – maybe because my default is set to “collapse all”.
        “Why not just scroll by?” was covered well last week. Collapse all as a default would hinder commenting in regular posts.

  106. Potatoes gonna potate*

    I swear it is like whack-a-mole with my hand tendons. As soon as one heals and feels better, another issue pops up.

    I’ve had tendon issues since July 2018. First it was my right index finger, the pain was too much so I got a steroid shot 10 months later. A few weeks later my wrist started hurting and I got a shot there 5 months later – De quervains. The next month the finger pain came back so another steroid shot. Right after that, I had tenderness and eventual pain on the ulnar side of the wrist. Bared through that for 6 months and got a shot about a month ago. That’s fine now and now my index on my left hand is facing hte same thing and this morning I woke up wtih a tenderness right back on my right wrist. I’ve seen 3 orthopedic doctors through this and they all said it’s random, esp because they’re at different spots at different times. No underlying disease or condition contributes to it.

    It’s getting frustrating and I don’t know what to do. Anyone been through this?

    2. Qwerty*

      Not your exact situation, but I’ve had tendinitis multiple times and variety of other connectivity related injuries all over my arms and legs.

      Have you checked your computer and/or work setup from an ergonomic perspective? Do you use your hands a lot in hobbies like knitting, crochet, guitar, etc? There are all sorts of hand and wrist issues that can come from computers beside the standard carpal tunnel one and it can be exacerbated by non-typing activities. When I got tendonitis, it started in the fingers and the pain worked its way up my arm until eventually everything from my elbow down hurt because I hadn’t addressed it.

      An important thing to remember is that everything in the body is connected. So if you hands/wrists are having trouble, follow that the rest of the way to see how your elbows, shoulders, and posture are doing. Did your doctor give you physical therapy exercises for any of your previous injuries? If so, keep doing them even after the issue goes away to prevent it from coming back. I also recommend looking into the exercises for tennis elbow and shoulder issues – so many of wrist issues have been improved by this. One physical therapist I had said there’s a lot of overlap with tennis elbow and typing injuries. For me, tension in my shoulder causes nerves/tendons to get caught so there is tension in my elbow, which passes the favor along to my wrist ending up in pain in finger and/or wrist. (Similarly, most of my ankle or knee problems are caused by issues in the hips). Working on muscles that improve posture and doing gentle yoga stuff has really helped a lot. If you have someone that can occasionally give you a forearm and hand massage, that’s also super helpful (you can do the hand part yourself too).

  107. Anono-me*

    Could the way you are protecting your injured area be leading to over stressing and pain in other areas on your hand?

    ( I’ve done that with another area.)

  108. Chaordic One*

    Has anyone been infected with earworms this week?

    I’ve been infected with Joni Mitchell songs. “Yvette in English,” “Marcie” and “Nothing Can Be Done.”

    1. AnonAgain*

      I was in my late teens when I realized that not everyone has music constantly running in the background in their head! (I asked someone to tell me what song was playing in their head at that moment, and they had no idea what I was talking about, of course.) It’s been suggested to me that it could be a coping mechanism because I am a bit neurotic. Maybe, idk. I feel lucky it doesn’t ever interfere with my focus on something else, and sometimes it does become more like an ear worm where I can’t get rid of a particular song or jingle — that’s when I purposefully focus on a Ramones song, which pretty much blasts anything out!

    2. Courageous cat*

      Not this week but there was a period of about 7-14 days where I had Joni Mitchell’s “Woodstock” in my head EVERY morning when I woke up. It went past the point of being cute or funny and more into “I am going to explode into a billion pieces if this happens one more time”

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Yes! I’ve had Fleetwood Mac’s As Long As You Follow going through my head all week. I don’t particularly like their music or this song, but I can’t seem to shake it.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I currently have the St Elsewhere theme song in my head, which is 100% my husband’s fault. We’ve been watching it on Amazon which let’s you skip past the theme. So of course once we’ve done that, he starts humming the song. Sigh :)

    6. allathian*

      Since You’ve Been Gone by Boston has been playing on and off in my head all weekend.

  109. Not So NewReader*

    Just a PSA.

    Check to make sure you are carrying enough home owner’s insurance. I have to keep it kind of vague: Folks I know just lost everything in a fire. They had not looked at their home owner’s policy for DECADES. They had no clue how much the house and contents were insured for. Yeah, you guessed it. They were insured like they would have been in the 1960s. They might be able to purchase a good used travel trailer to live in and that is about it. And they are nearing retirement age.

    Home insurance is boring and dry topic, until you need it. Then becomes a dictator for your quality of life and it may even dictate the quality of the *remainder* of your life. Take care, all.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Our house needed some repairs recently so we looked at the insurance policy for the first time. Prior to that we had never even considered it, since the house and mortgage were “hand-me-downs” and all we did was pay the monthly mortgage. Definitely something to look at in the future…

      1. Enough*

        Also check for policy limitations for certain types of possessions like computers, jewelry, art, collectables, etc. Additionally make sure they are aware of any changes to the house or on the property. Did you add a shed, second separate garage? Put an addition on house or finish off the basement? I just did a check in with my insurance agent and they wanted the size of my concrete patios, and about upgrades.

    2. 00ff00Claire*

      The folks you know have my deepest sympathies; losing your home to a fire is a very traumatic.

      I’ll add my two cents to the PSA: research the type of homeowners insurance you have and make sure you know what it covers. Secondly, an inventory of your possessions can become invaluable. An easy way to do an inventory is to walk through your house and take pictures of the rooms as well as contents of containers like closets, drawers, cabinets, etc. My parents experienced a house fire years ago and even though it didn’t burn to the ground, there was enough structural and smoke or water damage that almost everything was declared a loss. Thankfully, they had a very robust plan with replacement cost coverage, so even for things that had depreciated or had become outdated, they were generally able to replace with like but new items. An actual cash value plan would have left them struggling to replace some items because many of them, especially appliances, were old.

      They were also very fortunate that they were able to go through most of their possessions and inventory them after the fire, even though the items were ruined. The experience was still awful and tedious even though theirs was a “best case” scenario under the circumstances, and if they had had an inventory prior to the fire, that would have made things at least a little less awful.

  110. Gaia*

    As mentioned upthread, I just moved into a new (just built) apartment. Y’all, there’s no peephole. I’ve never encountered this and it makes me anxious as a woman living alone.

    I asked if they could install one and they’re asking the owner (it’s a steel door so it isn’t as simple, I guess)?

    Well today something happened and I officially need something to change. I was sitting on my couch and heard a noise like someone was outside my door. I opened the door and it turns out it was some man trying to open my (thankfully locked) door.

    He said he was at the wrong apartment but couldn’t tell me what one he was trying to find (he said he’d just moved in, which could be true). He seemed either tired, drunk, or high.

    I plan on insisting they either give me a peephole or an amendment to my lease to allow a video doorbell. If I have to go the video doorbell route, should I talk to my neighbor first since our doors face each other? If you were them, would it make you uncomfortable?

    1. Caraline*

      Yes, I’d be very, very concerned if someone had such a camera that could film my doorway, myself, my family and our visitors. That would be completely unacceptable to me. It’s a huge invasion of privacy, and I’d do whatever I could legally to prevent it.

      1. Gaia*

        So this is helpful and I’d like to understand more. The only thing the camera would see is the same as anyone could see anyway. If I had a peephole I could, in theory, see anyone coming and going. The layout of the apartments means nothing inside the apartment could be seen.

        Does that change anything? Is there anything your neighbor could do to make you more comfortable? I definitely understand privacy concerns, but I want to find a solution that also allows for my security (if I can’t get a peephole).

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I assume part of the issue is that the video doorbell keeps a record. I can’t hack the human brain and eye (thankfully!), but I could hack a video doorbell, and then I’ve got all that data. One mitigating factor would be to use one that don’t take continuous video, or one that takes pictures upon activation rather than video, because those won’t show anything if someone’s outside your apartment and doesn’t use the doorbell.

          3. Mimosa Jones*

            But would your neighbors doing normal stuff in front of their own door be within “range” enough to activate the camera.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              With a continuous video doorbell, they’d just have to be within camera range. That’s the point of the always-on video doorbells- they’re always on! I don’t know what the motion-sensing ones have as a range, but honestly with motion sensors the sensitivity is either “can’t pick up someone walking with a cane” or “triggered by the movement of atoms” so it’s either going to functionally be an always-on or it’s going to be pretty worthless. And if you have to press the button to activate video/photo, it probably wouldn’t catch the neighbors unless the neighbors were out there when the button was hit.

        2. BRR*

          I believe most Video doorbells collect data and hold the rights to distribute that data. I’d personally only be comfortable with my neighbor installing one of it was not pointed at my door and not pointed at the area where I walk from my apt to my car.

          1. Gaia*

            So I wouldn’t have one that stores data. That’s unnecessary and I agree it would be an issue for a lot of reasons.

        3. Morningstar*

          I don’t want my neighbors to know when I’m not home, and you don’t want someone recording you coming and going either — that’s not safe, so fighting for a change to the video rule might not be the answer as it could create other problems.

          I just wouldn’t open the door unless I’m expecting someone. Can you ask your visitors/friends/family to text you before they drop by or if they’re at the door and you don’t answer?

          1. Gaia*

            My expected visitors definitely do text before coming over. Due to a number of other circumstances though I have periodic unexpected visitors that wouldn’t always be able to text me ahead of time.

            1. valentine*

              I have periodic unexpected visitors that wouldn’t always be able to text me ahead of time.
              They would presumably knock and you could speak to them through the door. They could also call or text once they’re in the building or at your door. (Worrisome that this is not a secure building, unless you mean neighbors or other people with legit access.)

              I don’t get why you opened the door and a peephole will only encourage you to keep doing so. If he was trying to break in because you’re a woman alone, would seeing him have led to you not responding any further or would you speak to the person just in case they need help? Working on not responding might help you with this.

        4. Noppity Nope*

          No. It’s recording video. I have no control over what happens to that video, or how it is used, or who gets access to it, and that makes it an invasion of privacy on a potentially huge scale. Is it being uploaded to the cloud? (Which gets hacked when exactly?) Backed up to a security company website? Sold to Facebook? I have no idea!

          It’s entirely different to what you can see by looking out of the peephole. It’s more like you sitting in your doorway taking photos of our comings and goings, and posting them online.

        5. Caraline*

          No. It’s recording video. I have no control over what happens to that video, or how it is used, or who gets access to it, and that makes it an invasion of privacy on a potentially huge scale. Is it being uploaded to the cloud? (Which gets hacked when exactly?) Backed up to a security company website? Sold to Facebook? I have no idea!

          It’s entirely different to what you can see by looking out of the peephole. It’s more like you sitting in your doorway taking photos of our comings and goings, and posting them online.

    2. Reba*

      If they balk, what about a chain lock? Do you think that could be more palatable to your apartment management? Worth standing up for yourself here, for sure.

      1. Gaia*

        If they can do a chain lock, they can do a peephole which would be my preference all around.

        2. Observer*

          Not true. A chain lock inside is a lot easier than a peep hole. Even that could present a problem, but you do need something and it’s stupid that they put in a door with no peephole.

    3. Red Sky*

      It’s not actually that hard to install a peep hole in a metal door, you just need the right kind of metal drill bit or hole saw which you can find at any hardware store along with the peephole itself (the peephole instructions will tell you what size bit you need). Drill the hole and install the two sides of the peephole and you’re done. If you’re at all handy you can do it yourself, with owner’s permission of course, which I can’t see any valid reason why they wouldn’t give.

      1. Red Sky*

        Adding, I wrote this in response to the apartment management saying it’s not that simple due to the door being steel and kinda got a little off track. I understand not everyone may be as comfortable or capable with DIY. Also, as a neighbor, I personally wouldn’t have a problem with a doorbell camera in a public area even if it faced my door. In fact, I’d probably find it a little reassuring? Added security that I benefit from without the $$ investment.

        1. Noppity Nope*

          Yeeeaaaah, added surveillance of your property that you do not control and that can be passed on to others without your consent or knowledge! Sure sounds safe to me!

          1. ...*

            I mean tons of buildings have security cameras that record and they can do whatever they want with.

            1. Noppity Nope*

              Not ones that are intended to record my doorway specifically, are under the control of a neighbour, and are not known in advance. Building security is something I check out in advance of signing a lease, and I’m not moving anywhere that monitors my entrance specifically.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I would be okay with video if it only activated when you’d be looking out normally.

      Continuous monitoring, nope.

    5. Nita*

      Yikes. Don’t open the door if you don’t know who that is! Just talk to them through the door. I guess that doesn’t address something like them claiming to be UPS or building management, but if you’re just hearing someone scrabbling at your door, don’t open it.

    6. Anono-me*

      A peephole should be a very easy addition, even with a metal door. I would focus on that or ask for an intercom. I have seen command strip mounted, battery powered, short range, wireless intercoms (Basically a little walkie-talkie). Even a battery powered wired intercom should be quite easy to install, as it as it would only involve drilling a couple of holes through sheetrock and mounting it on the wall.

      I hope that you decide not to pursue a video doorbell. There are huge privacy concerns being be expressed in many places, including online. Some of the concerns include companies that record and retain even when the homeowner chooses not to, how securely data is held, and whether or not data is shared with third parties . This can leave people who have been victims of harassment vulnerable. Our family is not comfortable how the Privacy aspect is being addressed currently, and have chosen against having a video doorbell. For someone else to decide to use one to record all of our comings and goings would be very upsetting and would be something we would object to very strongly. (I do believe that you want it only for your security, but that would not change what was actually occurring.)

      1. Anono-me*

        Two companies that make wireless voice only intercoms ahead hosmart and gaurdline. They were both between 75 and $100 not too long ago.

    7. ...*

      I’d have no problem with it honestly, I’d probably want access to your camera feed since no peephole would be unacceptable to me either!!

  111. Fulana del tal*

    Check your state/city regulations. In NYS apartments have to have a peephole. As for the camera as I personally would not have a problem with it.

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