weekend open thread – July 4-5, 2020

by Alison Green on July 3, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Carrie Pilby, by Caren Lissner. A former child prodigy hits adulthood and struggles to connect with people. It’s quirky and charming.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,375 comments }

{ 1,375 comments… read them below }

    1. AcademiaNut*

      Mapo tofu – a spicy Sichuan dish of silken tofu and ground pork.

      I like a piece of silken tofu topped with soy sauce and either finely grated ginger or Japanese fish flakes, as a side dish, served cold. You can also add diced green onions and toasted sesame seeds. It’s also good paired with century eggs.

      In miso soup, of course, and in hot and sour soup. There’s also a soup I do with chicken stock, diced soft tofu, sliced tomato, some leafy green vegetables like bok choy, peas, and some beaten egg drizzled in (a fancy egg drop soup). Korean kimchi and tofu stew (tofu, kimchi, thinly sliced pork, green onions, and an egg cracked in at the end).

      On the non traditional side, you can make a decent pudding or cream soup by pureeing soft tofu with other ingredients. It doesn’t keep well as leftovers, as it tends to separate with time, so eat it right after making it.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        I also love Mapo tofu. Seconding this suggestion.

        If you’re eating vegetarian, the sauce is pretty good even if you don’t use pork. (I’m not vegetarian, but I’ll often make it, skip the pork, and throw in some green beans. Still delicious.)

        1. Lena Clare*

          Thanks both. I like the mapo tofu idea. I am vegan and have a recipe for this, but it stated firm tofu. It looks good though.
          1 question: do you use white or red miso?

          1. Reba*

            Mapo Tofu is a staple at our house. We like to use a combo of firm and silken — the firm stays in cubes and the silken kind of crumbles up, which is in a way reminiscent of the pork we don’t use (also veg here). The dish is super forgiving, so experiment! We use fermented black bean paste when we have it, just canned black beans when we don’t, etc. Very much worth getting the Sichuan peppercorns if you can for the mala experience.

            We also don’t use miso in this dish. I mean, go for it, but mapo dofu is a Chinese dish! Maybe the miso is given a substitute for the fermented black bean?

            For a miso soup, I like the white, “sweet” flavor more, personally.

            1. Lena Clare*

              I think it must have been Reba, because there was no black bean paste in the ingredients just chili bean paste, unless these are the same thing but called differently in the UK and US?

              Here’s the recipe I had:
              – I fried shallot, garlic and ginger in chili oil.
              – Added pea protein mince (delicious!) instead of pork mince.
              – Splash of soy sauce and bit of miso paste and chili bean paste (I then discovered after I had almost cooked the dish that I had bought the sauce not the paste, so I added a but more for a stronger flavour).
              – Added low-salt veg stock and silken tofu. Cooked for a bit.
              – Stirred in sesame oil at the end, and served on rice with sesame seeds on top.

              1. Reba*

                Yeah, sorry for any confusion. I was referring to douchi — fermented black bean — or doubanjiang — fermented bean paste or bean sauce. I do think that is more or less the same as what you know as chili bean sauce (although there are versions without chili).

                It is an essential ingredient in this dish; the beans provide the “speckle” in “speckled bean curd!”

                I was conjecturing that the miso (as a fermented ingredient) was included in your recipe in order to recreate some of the pungent, funky taste of the fermented bean… but since there’s both, idk what it’s doing there but I’m sure it can’t hurt!

          2. Mystery Bookworm*

            This is the recipe that was given to me by a family friend (apologies, no measurements). I’ve never used miso, but I’m sure it could be good!

            mince garlic and ginger
            chop green onions
            drain dofu
            in sesame oil, saute garlic, ginger, and whiter portion of green onions to brown and infuse sesame oil
            cut dofu cake into cubes and place in pot
            add one to two tablespoons of hot bean sauce (critical)
            add soy sauce.
            add chicken broth so enough sauce
            black/red peppers can be added to increase spiciness

            *I’ve always just subbed in water for the chicken broth, and it’s been fine!

              1. Lena Clare*

                Thank you both – I have just seen this, it is pretty much how I made it too :-)

      2. Koala dreams*

        I find the silk tofu is good in many kinds of soup, also soups that aren’t asian. For example in carrot soup instead of milk or cream. You need to beat it a little extra, including when re-heating, but it really adds that creamy flavour.

        1. Lena Clare*

          Thank you! I might do this to miso soup rather than have the pieces of tofu in it. It has the texture of lightly set custard, doesn’t it?

          1. Red Sky*

            Here’s the recipe cut/pasted from that link. I might give it a try myself.

            Moo-Less Chocolate Pie-
            13 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
            1/3 cup coffee liqueur
            1 teaspoon vanilla extract
            1 pound silken tofu, drained
            1 tablespoon honey

            Chocolate Wafer Crust-
            6 1/2 ounces chocolate wafer cookies
            1 tablespoon sugar
            3 ounces unsalted butter, melted and slightly
            cooled

            Directions:
            Place enough water in the bottom of a
            4-quart saucepan to come 1 inch up
            the sides. Bring to a simmer over medium
            heat.
            Melt the chocolate chips with the
            liqueur and vanilla in a medium
            metal bowl set over the simmering water,
            stirring often with a rubber or silicone spatula. Combine the tofu, chocolate mixture
            and honey in a blender or food processor and spin until smooth, about 1 minute.
            Pour the filling into the crust and refrigerate for 2 hours, or until the filling sets firm.
            Chocolate Wafer Crust:
            Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
            Spin the cookies and sugar in a food processor until fine crumbs. Then drizzle in
            the butter, pulsing to combine. Press this mixture firmly and evenly into the
            bottom, up the sides and just over the lip of a 9-inch metal pie pan.
            Bake on the middle rack of the oven until crust is set and appears dry, 18 to 20
            minutes. Remove from the oven and cool completely, about 1 hour.

            1. Lena Clare*

              Thank you so much for sharing, that is very thoughtful of you :-) It sounds heavenly.

      2. Lena Clare*

        What are the ingredients, do you mind sharing? That sounds good, especially if I can freeze it.

        1. i heart salt*

          Ingredients
          13 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
          1/3 cup coffee liqueur
          1 teaspoon vanilla extract
          1 pound silken tofu, drained
          1 tablespoon honey
          ****************************************
          1 (9-inch) prepared chocolate wafer crust, recipe follows
          Chocolate Wafer Crust:
          6 1/2 ounces chocolate wafer cookies
          1 tablespoon sugar
          3 ounces unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled

          Method
          Place enough water in the bottom of a 4-quart saucepan to come 1 inch up the sides. Bring to a simmer over medium heat.
          Melt the chocolate chips with the liqueur and vanilla in a medium metal bowl set over the simmering water, stirring often with a rubber or silicone spatula. Combine the tofu, chocolate mixture and honey in a blender or food processor and spin until smooth, about 1 minute. Pour the filling into the crust and refrigerate for 2 hours, or until the filling sets firm.

          Chocolate Wafer Crust:
          Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
          Spin the cookies and sugar in a food processor until fine crumbs. Then drizzle in the butter, pulsing to combine. Press this mixture firmly and evenly into the bottom, up the sides and just over the lip of a 9-inch metal pie pan.
          Bake on the middle rack of the oven until crust is set and appears dry, 18 to 20 minutes. Remove from the oven and cool completely, about 1 hour.

    3. Emma*

      I have made the Minimalist Baker’s macaroni salad recipe: https://minimalistbaker.com/vegan-macaroni-salad/
      She uses silken tofu as the base for the salad dressing. I was a bit skeptical, but had silken tofu that I needed to use, so I tried it and it was actually really good.

      I keep intending to make bibimbap, but have not done so yet. Bibimbap often has silken tofu in it, is generally delicious and should be relatively easy to make.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh that looks good! I could do that for lunches when I return to working in the office.

        Bibimbap sounds a bit like thunder tea rice I think – assorted veg with rice and tofu (or meat). Are you vegan? I use Sasha Gill’s East Meets Vegan (in the US), which is called Jackfruit and Blue Ginger in the UK, A LOT! It’s so good.

        1. Emma*

          Thanks for the tip on the cookbook – that looks great!
          I love Meera Sodha’s cookbook East – it is a mix of vegetarian and vegan recipes, lots are vegan and a lot were published in her vegan cooking columns in the Guardian before the cookbook was published.

    4. Recent Grad*

      I like to use firm silken tofu for tofu scrambles. I cut the tofu into large chunks that naturally break up as you stir it. You also will need to cook it a little longer than you would with drained tofu because it still has a lot of moisture in it.

      1. For goodness sake, wash your hands!*

        Also, for any baby moms in the crew, silken tofu makes an awesome protein addition to veggie mashs for babies.

      2. Lena Clare*

        I have heard that using Himalayan salt gives it an eggy flavour – have you tried it? (I haven’t). Do you add any other flavourings to it?

        1. Recent Grad*

          I use lots of nutritional yeast to give my tofu scrambles an egg-ish flavor and B vitamins. I always sauté the plain tofu with some diced onion and then add a spice/nutritional yeast paste and then cook that until dry. I’ve been using the same recipe from memory for years so I have no clue where it came from. Here is my best approximation:
          1 block of silken tofu cut into large cubes(it’s ok if it breaks)
          1/4 of an onion diced
          Spice mix:
          1/2tsp turmeric
          1/4 tsp black pepper
          1/4 tsp dried sage
          1/2 tsp Dijon mustard
          1tsp tamari (soy sauce would also work)
          1/4 cup nutritional yeast
          1/2 cup of water
          Mix the spice mix ingredients with the water in a bowl. Then sauté the tofu with the onion and a pinch of salt in some olive oil. You want some browning on the tofu. Once the tofu has browned add the spice mix and sauté until the tofu is dry and slightly browned.

          There is a type of salt called black salt that has a sulfur flavor like eggs, it’s traditionally used in Indian cuisine. You could add a pinch if you really want a super eggy flavor.

          1. Lena Clare*

            Thanks Recent Grad! Himalayan salt is the same as black salt. I have never used it.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Ooh, I’m glad you asked this; bookmarking. I’ve only cooked with firm tofu and had no idea how to use the silken kind.

  4. Shrieking Violet*

    I’m looking for advice on long-distance relationships. I last saw my boyfriend in February, and it’s been hard not knowing when we’ll see each other again (I’m in a super hot COVID spot, so I don’t even want to leave my house, much less travel 1,500 miles). We talk and/or text everyday. We’ve discussed moving to either one of our locations (or a third/neutral place) in 2021… I guess I’m looking for hope, where people have made this situation work. If you have, and someone (or both people) moved, what did you take into consideration in deciding who would make the move?

    1. Eva Luna*

      I’ve been in this situation twice; once it didn’t work, and I’m married to the second one (almost 11 years now!). I think that in general, long-distance can only work over the long term if there is a plan for it no longer being long-distance. He moved, because I had a job and he didn’t. I’m glad that he was willing to take the plunge, needless to say!

    2. Lemonwhirl*

      In the first two years of our relationship, my husband and I lived in different countries for most of it. Notably, a 14-month stretch during which we saw each other once – for one lovely week right in the middle of the 14 months. This was in 1994-1996, so email and computer messaging were an option but texting, cheap phone calls, and video chats were not.

      We moved to a third location inside my (at the time) country (we now live in his country). We moved to my country because it was easier to get him there, visa-wise. We moved to a third location because he did not like my hometown – he found it depressing. We wanted to move very far from my hometown, to a coast, but the cost of living, even in 1996, was too high. So we moved to a big city about a 6-hour drive from my hometown.

      We based all of our decisions on practicality and prioritised being together. Our savings would last 6-months in Big Middle City or 1-month in Coastal City. We could get him a fiancé visa and he would be with me when we’d saved up enough to move or I could try to get a job in his country, which was pretty much an impossibility from another country and without much work experience at that point.

      In October, we’re celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary and we have a delightful 9-year old kid. So it all worked out. My advice to you would be to prioritise what’s important to you and track down all the details to create a plan that will get you what you want. I know the pandemic complicates everything right now, but do your best and know that being apart is only for right now, it’s not forever, even on the dark days when it feels like you’ll never get what you want.

    3. Guava*

      I last saw my husband in February too :)

      It’s 2:40 AM my time, so I’ll come back and add more, but definitely yes. Husband and I have been apart for 12 month and 18+ stretches. Sometimes we were able to meet up in other countries, at the 6 month mark.

      I agree with Eva Luna that having an end point to long distance is important. At some point, many just can’t or won’t want to do it anymore and you just want to be in the same place together.

    4. Lalage*

      Just wanted to say, we are on the same boat (different European countries in our case). We both have niche or, in his case, academical jobs. I could not bring myself to get ‘just any job’ after I finished my PhD (which was spent mostly apart but not completely). So I moved to another country, and I am sure not many men would have accepted this. So, yeah, we are quite stuck, particularly now that universities in this country are going to stop hiring due to covid. Here international travel is starting up again so we will meet in a week and spend 5 weeks together (working from there + holiday). Who knows how I’ll feel when I need to leave again.

    5. Washi*

      We were pretty young, but my husband and I did a year apart while we were in college, and then another year apart after we graduated. We then got married, so obviously it worked out!

      I would echo what the others have said about there being an end date. The thing that I found hard was that as much as I wanted to be with him, it was also hard in some ways to end the long distance. Career-wise, it’s way easier to make decisions just taking one person’s dreams into account. Sometimes there’s no convenient time to move to be with each other, at some point you just have to decide that you are prioritizing the relationship over everything else. I’m not even a super ambitious career person, and the offer I gave up to move to be with my husband wasn’t a long term dream job nor did it pay well (unlike the job my husband had) but it was still surprisingly hard at the time.

      The other thing I didn’t realize was that I’d kind of gotten used to the emotional rollercoaster of long distance. Really missing each other, then the anticipation of seeing each other, then the bittersweet joy of a visit you know will end, then crying on the plane home….when we finally moved in together, it almost immediately felt normal. Which was great, but sometimes I felt confused because what love had felt like to me were these dramatic moments of being super excited to see the person and then missing the person. I had some moments of “what if I don’t love him?” before getting used to the new reality of love generally being a steady contentment in the other person. I do sometimes feel excited to get home from work and hang out with him, but obviously nothing can compare to being excited to see each other because it’s been weeks or months!

    6. Akcipitrokulo*

      My partner and I were long distance for first 18 months or so. This was 15 years ago so no facetime, but lots of irc chats and a visit usually once a month.

      Eventually I moved there because of his family situation.

    7. Sandi*

      Agreed with the comments about it being easier with a planned end-date, even if it is a bit unsure now.

      For moving: both of us paid equally for the move, and set aside the same funds to move back if we broke up. That way the risk seemed less. They moved to me because of our job options, plus they preferred my town. It all worked out well for us long-term.

      1. hermit crab*

        Also adding my agreement! My wife and I met in college, dated, broke up, then got back together a few years later when were living in different (U.S.) cities. We did about a year long-distance, then made the deliberate decision to sign on for another two years of it – she was moving to a third city for a postdoc and I liked where I lived! We actually got married while we were still living 1,000 miles away from each other. Now we live in the city where I lived that whole time. We knew that we would end up in the same place eventually, even if the timing was really uncertain (thanks, academia!) – we made a lot of vague plans for “someday,” which helped.

        Also, we almost never video-chatted but spent a lot of time on regular phone calls. We both liked that better since it was easier to have the other person “around” while you were cooking or walking or whatever – it felt more like real life, somehow.

    8. Jack be Nimble*

      My fiance and I were long distance for about six months — both within the US but about 1500 miles apart. We talked on the phone pretty much every day and decided somewhat impulsively that I’d be the one to move. My lease was up, I didn’t have a permanent job, and I had decent savings (not decent enough to establish myself in the new city, but decent enough that I could l could afford to move back if it was a total disaster). I was also living in my hometown, where I’d gone to college, and I was extremely eager to get out and live in another part of the country.

      I agree that having an end date and a set plan helped our relationship. Talking regularly helped, as did sending snail mail (we wrote a lot of postcards to one another, which we still have).

      The other thing about my relationship is that it probably shouldn’t have worked as well as it did! We’d known one another less than a year and been dating about 3 months when I decided to move out, 6 months when I made the move. It worked out for us, but I don’t think I’d advise anyone to just go ahead and do the same thing on the same timeline!

      1. Eva Luna*

        He moved in with me 3 months after we first met face-to-face. We both acknowledge that this was insane, but 13 years later, it seems to have worked out!

      2. Philosophia*

        Shrieking Violet, it can work. My late partner and I declared our wish to live together only four months in, and we celebrated our thirtieth anniversary before the end. It took a year-plus after that declaration to accomplish it while we waited out leases and secured a new domicile. When we met, we lived three hours apart via intercity bus, and developed a pattern of meeting one weekend in City A and one weekend in City B, then taking the third weekend as a rest from traveling. Fortunately, we were also able to talk on the phone almost every night. All of this building domesticity helped to cement the relationship in those first months.

        I moved there because I’d been thinking of that as the next place I would live anyway. Several years later, we moved together to a mutually more compatible place, where we put down roots. It was helpful that neither of us had a career, only jobs, but we did have a shared avocation for which the mutually more compatible place offered ample opportunity.

        Best of luck!

    9. Aeryn Sun*

      My husband and I were long distance for 2 years before we moved to the same town. We did the phone/Skype email thing and we kind of had the attitude of keeping it long distance until it stopped feeling right and we’d either break up or one of us would move. We decided based on practicality – I lived in the high cost Bay Area and he was in Georgia. So we could afford a house in Georgia, plus it was closer to both our families. I ended up getting a good job near him, moved, and we have been married 8 years.

    10. Shrieking Violet*

      I appreciate everyone’s comments – thank you! He has discussed moving to me because my mom has a not-great health history (she’s fine at the moment, thankfully), and my brother was the opposite of supportive when our dad was dying. He hasn’t mentioned it as a reason, but I almost earn significantly more than he does. On his side, his daughter is going off to college in the fall (we assume… they haven’t released their plan yet), but it’s only an hour or so away from where he is, and he’ll miss her terribly. I am worried he will eventually turn resentful of me if he moves here. Right now, I’m also staying in my job, where I’m somewhat miserable, at least in part to save money to support us both should he move here while he looks for a job.

      Washi, what you said struck me. I cry the whole plane ride home and sometimes here at home, for missing him. Running into his arms when I first see him is always the highlight of the visit. It’s not always sunshine and roses when we are together, and it can be intense, but it also has a vacation-like quality… we eat out, go to the theatre or the beach or a ballgame. It’s not “real life” sustainable, and I’m trying to figure out if we will be, preferably without actually incurring the expense – emotion and money – of a move first.

      1. Distance love*

        I think there’s no way to know until you move. I was the one who moved in my case because my SO is in a very local niche industry, and I insisted on living in my own apartment for the first year or so. E we did some regular dating like normal people before throwing living together into the mix.i think it was best to limit the number of changed you make at one time.

      2. Washi*

        Like Distance love below, my husband and I also lived apart for 8 months until his lease was up, and that was a nice transition.

        That said, you can fail-proof a plan (have strategies and backups, etc) but you can’t really fail-proof a relationship. For me, I took the leap and went after the relationship because I wanted to know for certain one way or the other if it would work, and I had a backup plan in case it didn’t. Whatever happened, it was worth it to me to find out. It was scary but also freeing to leave behind the will-we-won’t-we-when-maybe-how?

        I will say, that as the one who moved to be with my husband, I have moments where I’m down on the area (which I generally really like) and feeling dramatic and am tempted to be like “aghhh I moved away from family and my beautiful home state to this humid traffic swamp for you, you owe me one.” That’s life! Sometimes I’m sad about what I left behind and sometimes I’m not rational about it either. One of you will probably miss some stuff that you leave behind. If there’s a 3rd location that works better for you, then you can both move and both miss some stuff! (I assume you will discuss not only how to be together but also where you’d like to live long term.) But I’m also an adult, I made my choices freely, and I don’t regret them. My husband and I are thinking of leaving in a few years, but I’m glad we’re a unit, and together here now, and that we’ll decide where we go next together.

        Basically, I think you have to accept that failure, regret, and missing things are possible, and it’s more about coping with them than preventing them. Idk if this all makes sense! It’s a tough decision.

    11. Jackalope*

      Also, you don’t give your gender, but one thing to think about. Traditionally it’s been the woman who gives everything up to follow the man’s dreams, so much so that often everyone (including the couple) automatically weights his dreams and desires higher. This may or may not be the case for you, and you can obviously make decisions as you believe are correct, but if you are a woman don’t let his desires, career, etc. automatically be top priority. It might still make sense for you to move to him, for example, but make sure to take this into consideration. (If you are same-sex this applies less but it is still a helpful rule in general to make sure one person isn’t getting a de facto stronger vote than the other.)

    12. Asiina*

      My boyfriend and I haven’t seen each other since December. He lives in the US and I’m in Canada and we’ve discussed our future and we know that if we do end up together for the long term, he’ll move here just because, well, it makes sense to. Not the least of which because I have a chronic condition that requires follow-up with doctors on a fairly regular basis and I refuse to live anywhere without UHC so it wasn’t really too much of a discussion. Still, it’s hard to have one person make the sacrifice, and I think if we were already in the same country we’d take into consideration things like family and how close we are already and career prospects. Both of us right now are pretty early in our careers but are in jobs with a lot of upward mobility, so either of us giving that up will be a bit rough.

      The separate has been hard and we had to cancel two trips to see each other we had planned this spring and now the border is closed (although there’s a little loophole where I can visit him, via plane, but he can’t visit me). We talk to each other every day on Discord through text and just keep each other updated on our days, and then Saturdays we devote entirely to each other on voice and video chat, but it’s still hard to not have the physical contact and we’ve both been kinda testy about it with others.

      We actually have the issues that you have where meeting is always in “vacation-mode” and it’s usually a frantic long weekend, and that’s not really an indication of what it’s going to be like to live together. We actually have plans right now because my job lets me WFH for the foreseeable future, to go stay with him and live with him for a month to see if we’re compatible before we have to deal with the nightmare that will be immigration. It’s frankly very scary to voluntarily go into the US right now when we have everything so under control here, but it’s important enough to our future that it’s a necessary step. I think if either of your jobs allow WFH then I would highly recommend that as an option before either (or both) of you commit to a move.

    13. allathian*

      When my husband and I started dating, we were living a 5-hour drive apart. He had moved there right after graduation for his first professional job. We knew pretty quickly that this was serious, but continued LDR for three more years.

      He didn’t know anyone in the town where he worked except his coworkers. His parents and most of his friends lived in my city, so he’d travel almost every weekend, more so when we started dating. It was always understood that when we moved together, he would do the moving, because all our families were here. By then we knew that we wanted kids and having retired grannies around who were willing to babysit was a godsend. Then he got a job offer from another employer in my city and used that to persuade his employer to transfer him here, and they did (he would have switched jobs if they hadn’t and they knew it). So we moved in together and within four months I was pregnant. Neither of us wanted a big wedding and both of us wanted to be married before our baby was born, so we had a small wedding (parents and siblings) when I was 8 months pregnant.

    14. KiwiApple*

      Mine is pretty easy as to the who moves question: we met whilst he was here on a work visa that expires this month. I can hopefully get a partner work visa in his country.

  5. Neyla*

    Are there any habits you started because of the pandemic that you think you’ll keep up once this is all over (please let it be all over at some point)? I’ve found I really love grocery delivery and plan to keep that up. And I started growing my own herbs to avoid having last-minute runs to the store and love having fresh basil and dill on hand.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Seconding grocery delivery! I don’t always get the things I want, which is bothersome, but I do love saving the time and energy.

    3. Bob_NZ*

      I’ve kept up with a few things. One is my early morning weekly session with The Sofa Singers virtual choir. Another is running on the beach, something I’d found indescribably tedious before but which I now absolutely love. I’m definitely going for more walks than in the Before Times, even though it’s now winter here. And I’m connecting with friends overseas (via Zoom or social media) far more too.

      Online dance classes have fallen by the wayside due to the online option stopping. Daily online yoga has fallen by the wayside because of sheer laziness on my part!

    4. AP*

      I know that it’s almost a cliché at this point, but I’ve started baking bread which I never did before the virus hit. I’ve tried a bunch of different recipes, but I think this one is the easiest and quickest: Peasant Bread from alexandracooks.com.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Same! I loved baking and then I had a kid almost 10 years ago and the baking went right out the window. It’s been so nice to be back to it. And, you want to talk cliche – I have 6 sourdough starters in my fridge right now. :D

        My husband and kid will never be able to go back to eating burgers on toast after I’ve been making artisanal roll for burger Fridays. You can find the recipe by searching for Sally’s Baking Addiction, homemade artisan bread recipe. The recipe is for a loaf but I’ve been making about 6 rolls instead. Super easy, you just have to have a little bit of planning because you get the best taste from refrigerating the dough for 2 days.

      2. Solar Moose*

        Focusing on a smaller number of friendships.

        Over the years, I’ve realized that I’m fairly introverted, and am miserable when I try to act like an extrovert. The quarantine only underscored that realization.

        1. allathian*

          It’s always great when you learn something about yourself. Good for you!
          I’m also pretty introverted and I have a handful of really good friends, a few acquaintances of the friends of friends type that I don’t invite to my house when we have guests but who I enjoy socializing with once or twice a year when some mutual friends invite them. I also count my husband’s friends and their spouses/girlfriends in this category (although obviously we invite them, but I only spend time with them for my husband’s sake). I don’t have any work friends that I’d want to spend any time with outside of work, although I did have some at previous jobs when I was 20-something and single.
          I’m not active on any social media (except WhatsApp and I don’t really think that counts), so I don’t have any online friends I never see IRL.

    5. lazy intellectual*

      Same with grocery delivery. I always hated grocery shopping, and decided it is totally worth paying a monthly delivery fee to scrap this out of what was my weekly schedule.

      1. valentine*

        it is totally worth paying a monthly delivery fee
        If you’re definitely continuing, it’s worth checking whether they have an annual fee that works better for you.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been baking my own bread for years, but with the lockdown I started making my own yogurt. I’ll keep up with that for sure. I’ve been working out more, and I like that too.

      I’ve also been drinking more, but that’s a habit I won’t mind not keeping up on.

    8. Stephivist*

      Cooking! I never enjoyed it pre-pandemic and let my husband be the main meal-dude for the family, but it’s been a source of comfort for me the last few months. I wouldn’t say I love it, but I’ve developed a reserved appreciation for it that I hope to maintain.

    9. nep*

      Meditation. I’ve long ‘dabbled,’ and I was already doing some here and there pre-pandemic. But with some sessions offered online because of the pandemic, I’ve gotten into it much more and for many reasons it will remain part of my days.

      1. Jim Bob*

        What has enabled you to stick with it? I’ve tried a few times, and the rare consistent stretches I’ve had have clearly improved my mental health, but I always find myself falling asleep every other session and eventually give up.

        1. nep*

          I hear you. Sometimes I doze too. But I just keep going back to it, even if it just means starting off by going through the motions, because I know how much good it does me, and the universe. I’m trying out some different ways of sitting or lying, some different guided meditations to listen to, or silence. I’m increasingly convinced of the good it can do so I just keep that in the forefront of my mind for those times I might feel like giving it up.

          1. nep*

            (I’m also participating in research about the effects of meditation on the body. Great timing coming upon the study, because I was just getting more into it.)

    10. Not Australian*

      Home-dyeing my hair. I haven’t tried to cut it yet, but I’m willing to give that a go as well.

      1. mreasy*

        For DIY haircuts, getting high-quality professional-grade scissors made all the difference for me. A tip in case you decide to try!

      2. Rose*

        For my home hair cuts as well! I have the simplest cut on earth but can’t get it done for less than $70 in my area. My boyfriend did a surprisingly good job.

      3. Filosofickle*

        I’ve colored my own hair for 20 years, and recommend it! Stylists advise against it, but if you have reasonably good attention to detail and aren’t trying to do anything too fancy/drastic it is easy. This year I graduated from mixing boxes to mixing salon tubes and it’s even better.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          I’ve been using the professional color too rather than the cheap stuff until I can afford a salon again. But my babylights are almost grown out and I cannot do that on my own!

          1. Filosofickle*

            For sure, I wouldn’t be able to tackle any low/highlights! I feel confident about what I do, but I do keep it simple. It feels good to be able to do this myself, I take pride in it.

        2. ThatGirl*

          I’ve been using the same home hair color for nearly a decade and have gotten multiple compliments from stylists so I figure I must be doing something right.

          1. charo*

            I cut and color my own short hair because I got tired of not getting what I asked for. At least it’s what I’m wanting, even if it’s not pro-level.

            And the more you do it the better you get. I’ve had strangers ask me who cuts my hair, a nice compliment.

            1. ThatGirl*

              I am lucky that my stylist does a great job cutting my hair because I could not do that myself. But it’s fairly short so coloring is not difficult and I’m definitely well practiced by now. :)

          2. Filosofickle*

            Nice! If they didn’t stop canceling my colors I’d have been able to do the same. About every 4-5 years mine would be cancelled and I had to find something new, eventually mixing boxes to get in-between colors that weren’t sold anymore.

            It was fortunate that my last stylist of 15 years was happy to give me advice. She actually said she couldn’t do much better than me! I appreciated how she supported my home color rather than trying to upsell me.

            1. ThatGirl*

              If they ever discontinue my color I may just have to grow it out because it took me several years to find the perfect color. So I hear ya. :)

    11. Helvetica*

      Grocery delivery! It is so convenient, especially for getting heavy stuff, like for cleaning and other household chores. I usually walk to the store and I’ve always begrudged dragging this heavy stuff back with me. So now I…don’t.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Scheduling a regular 2 or 3 hour “lunch” on Thursday to run errands. I will keep this up at least as long as I work from home. Grocery shopping at 11am on a weekday has been much less stressful challenging than expeditions on weekends and early evenings.
      Also a weekly Zoom call with a group of college friends–we’re all over the place and only some of us were in regular contact with each other.

    13. Morning reader*

      I finally got a CSA share this year. It’s delivered weekly and I’m eating so much better! And differently than ever before, trying new things. (yesterday I sautéed beet leaves for lunch… so many of them I had to look them up to see if they were edible and sure enough, they were delicious!) It’s a wonderful way to support local ag and also not shop.
      Strangely enough, I’m also having more social time than I used to. I have the best backyard for outdoor gatherings (patio, grill, fire pit) so I’ve been hosting small weekly dinners with a couple of single friends. We mostly socially distance but at this point we are in each other’s pods, and have similar level of protective practices on the rare occasions we go anywhere else, I.e. masks for any quick trips to stores, etc. Not sure what we’ll do when the weather changes. If we step up our protocols I might let them in my house (or if our local cases disappear, currently plateauing.)
      A freezer. One of my pod friends who is in the process of moving from her big city to my little one has parked her freezer in my garage. About a year ago I downsized to a small fridge to save energy and space in my kitchen, figuring I would shop for fresh food more often. Now I have the freezer stocked and between grocery pickup and CSA delivery I rarely go into stores at all. I love it so much I’m buying a (smaller) one of my own so I can continue once she takes hers. My food habits have vastly changed, lots of fresh veggies, less meat, more cooking.
      Gardening: I’m still embarrassingly bad at it but the two friends who are temporarily in apartment living have borrowed space in my backyard and planted gardens… one flowers, the other mostly veggies. I’m made some modest attempts myself, so far, only my pumpkins are flourishing.
      Less spending on travel and restaurants. I’ve filled up my car perhaps 3 1/2 times so far this year. I tried getting takeout a couple of times to support local restaurants, but both times noticed that the employees were not wearing masks. (Maybe they don’t need to for food prep if the food is hot, but shouldn’t the cashier be covered? Both seemed to offer outside pickup but when I got there, I had to go inside to pay and pickup.) sorry local restaurants, but I won’t be coming back until This Cruel War is Over.
      Telemedicine, yeah! Sometimes the doctor needs to see me physically but often she doesn’t. So nice to just get on the phone to check in. I hope this one stays with shifting regs on in-person visits.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yep, we have monthly meat deliveries and fortnightly veg deliveries and it’s so great! And HUGE yes to a deep freeze.

        I emailed our GP yesterday and he called me within the hour, chatted about my question briefly, told me I didn’t need to come in, and was effusive about how convenient telemedicine is.

      2. Quinalla*

        Same on the CSA share, we love it so much and it worked out that this was the first year since we are cooking nearly all meals at home now (we do occasional carryout from places we trust).

        I also hope we keep the weekly family zoom chats! We all live 2 or 5 or up to 11 hours apart driving, so it has been really nice and will be nice to keep doing, maybe we’ll go to monthly when COVID is over.

        I kept up my morning exercise habit which has been great. And we increased our grocery pickup and delivery use, we already were doing it some, but now we do it all the time, it just isn’t worth the risk of going in a store right now for us when we have those service available.

        I’ve also been reading more, not so much a habit, but I had been reading less recently – though still reading – so that has been lovely.

    14. My Brain Is Exploding*

      No hair dye (I think. Eep!) Yoga every day (even if it’s only 10 minutes). Not shopping as much. Continuing to go thru old photos.

      1. Aphrodite*

        I am going silver/gray as well. I started graying early so began coloring it, which has been going on for 20+ years now. I’m ready to go fully natural, and I think it’s going to be beautiful, not to mention far less expensive for the salon coloring. (I could do it at home when it was temporary color but went salon only with permanent.)

      2. allathian*

        I started to go gray in my 30s, like my mom. Now that I’m in my late 40s, I have lovely salt and pepper hair, and I’m basically too lazy to ever bother dyeing it. My stylist is also very complimentary about it. I don’t feel like the silver streaks make me look older, because that’s outweighed by the smooth skin on my face. I’m very lucky to have small pores and almost no wrinkles, except a few on my forehead and from my nose to the corners of my mouth.

    15. Natalie*

      I like curbside pickup for everything, especially with a baby. My husband spends every few weeks on call so we can’t divide and conquer – I have to run the errands with the baby, or we all have to go together in case he gets a call and it’s a pain.

    16. Overeducated*

      Biweekly grocery shopping. Delivery isn’t in our budget but shopping always took a big chunk out of the weekend, so figuring out how to do it half as often, with a curbside pickup produce box to get us through week 2, has been great.

      And telework! Before, we’d always have to schedule meetings around when different people were in the office, but I think we are at least partially past that now. I got approval from my boss to telework 3 days a week for at least the next year, and that is allowing us to move farther away where we can comfortably afford a home!

    17. AnonEMoose*

      Working from home. I realize it’s not for everyone, but now that I have my technical setup the way I want it (dual monitors and I figured out how to solve my audio and video problems), I love it. It’s just me and the cats until DH comes home from work, so I get the alone time my introvert self needs, and I’m able to concentrate on my work.

      I’m also realizing how much less expensive it is to work from home. No running out for a snack, no lunches out. And it’s having a clearly evident impact on the bank account. I mean, I pay more for groceries and we got upgraded internet to make it easier, but we’re still saving money overall.

      Also knitting…I’ve been teaching myself how to knit with a book and Youtube videos and the occasional question to crafty friends. I’m not very good at it yet, but I enjoy it.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        I started knitting 12 years ago with two books and a yarn store owner to answer my questions (e.g. “what the heck is an SSK and how do I do it?!”). A little at a time and your knowledge really comes together. I spent 2-3 years getting to know new techniques by trying out patterns, and at that point was advanced enough that I was recruited to help teach others!

        Also, Ravelry is the world’s best timesuck for browsing patterns, projects, yarns, and groups.

        1. AnonEMoose*

          Thanks for the encouragement! I splurged a little on the Vogue Knitting Book from Amazon and it’s super helpful. If I need to see how something is done, I’ve been going to YouTube.

          I am enjoying it – I like having something to do with my hands while I’m watching a movie or something. So far I’m not attempting anything more complicated than a scarf. I’ll get there eventually!

    18. Falling Diphthong*

      Never using cash. The norm in much of the rest of the world, and I think I might stick with it when normalish comes back.

      (I’m one of those people who really like grocery shopping (as opposed to all other shopping save bookstores) and miss being able to casually drop in and see what looked fresh.)

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes, I really miss grocery shopping. It was something my husband and I did together — a habit we developed when he moved here after a year and a half of being long-distance and cherished doing the boring things together! When we had Little Brackets #1, we kept up the family grocery shop, but Little Brackets #2 has mostly lived in Pandemic World. I’ve gone to a shop a few times, but mostly we’ve been having groceries delivered, and I really miss the normalcy of browsing the aisles.

    19. Rose*

      Washing my hair every third day (instead of daily).

      I was always a gym goer but now I take lots of long walks and I’m finding it so much more peaceful.

      I lost a bunch of weight from the combo of not eating out, being totally sober for quarantine, and not being able to run to the store of a pizza or candy craving (were in a hot spot so we were limiting grocery shopping to every 2-3 weeks very strictly). It’s a big eye opener to how much I was doing those things. Im not sure how much I’ll keep but but hopefully some.

    20. Choggy*

      I have not done it enough, but using those online cash back or couponing sites for all the online shopping I do and will continue to do. i have used Rakuten for my clothes and other non-food shopping, use Walmart.com and Amazon for non-perishables, and have downloaded Ibotta but haven’t used it.

      My husband is the one working outside the home, and has always done the grocery shopping because I hate it. I am trying to alleviate how much he has to purchase, how often he has to go, and how long he has to be in a store. Have not yet looked into grocery delivery for perishables as hubby usually goes very early and so it’s not been that bad.

    21. Nita*

      Yes, grocery delivery! I used to avoid getting some things because they’re so heavy and take up all the room in my cart, but lately I just get them delivered. When I go to the store, I can focus on getting fresh produce instead.

      Been telling myself for a while that I need to study with the kids more, in addition to what they’re learning in school. School was a mess at the end of the year, so I’ve been forced to do it, whether or not I have the energy. We’re finding a groove here. Although I’m 100% sure that I cannot survive a repeat of remote learning in September, never mind hold down a job while doing it. That’s going to be a whole other kettle of fish.

      We’ve been using the free time that was forced on us because of all our weekend commitments ending, to go hiking more. And I’ve gotten back into gardening. Would be nice to keep that up.

    22. AlexandrinaVictoria*

      This is so niche, but….I’m a choral conductor with no gigs in sight for quite awhile, by the looks of it. I have an extremely talented friend who composes service music for my synagogue, and in a fit a boredom, asked them if I could arrange one of their songs for 4-part choir. I AM HAVING A BLAST! It’s not anything I ever did except as assignments in grad school, but I love it! I’ll definitely keep doing this.

      2. allathian*

        Congrats! I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever (my year of trying to learn to play acoustic guitar in my teens proved that conclusively) so I’m always blown away by people who do things like this.

      3. Philosophia*

        Enjoy! Rosh Hashonah is only ten and a half weeks away (yikes) and somehow I don’t think we’re going to be able to celebrate in person this year.

    23. LibbyG*

      A great thread! I do more meal planning, since we don’t want to go out to the store as often.

      And more ritualistic markers of time. Like making beds in the morning and family movie night on Friday to mark the end of the week.

      I hope to keep all these up as things evolve.

    25. Alpha Bravo*

      Grocery shopping every two weeks (though it would be wonderful to be able to actually get what I want, instead of whatever they happen to have on the shelves). Baking bread. I’ve been baking a lot of sweets too, dunno if that will continue (probably).

    26. Aphrodite*

      I love saving money! Though I still get all the emails from stores I almost always delete them unread. (Come the shopping holiday season (in late September for me), I will look at all of them because I really get a lot of pleasure “browsing” the online stores; now, however, I am immune to their charms.

      What I am getting serious pleasure from is watching my former debt being reduced at a serious pace. I’ve made more progress since this coronavirus and isolation-at-home thing began than I probably made in the last two years. In fact, yesterday I made the final payment on my car loan and I am now DEBT FREE. I don’t owe anyone a single penny. While paying it off I continued to put some into savings but now I can put a lot more. I anticipate being able to save somewhere between $1,000 and $1,500 per month beginning in late July while still keeping my spending flexible enough to do what gives me pleasure.

      I find myself checking into my credit union account, my PERS (Public Employee Retirement System) account, my member account at Experian, where I watch my FICO score. Watching my numbers go up is like crack cocaine for dollars; it gives me such pleasure! Yup, I am definitely keeping this up.

    27. Jane*

      I’ve never been able to keep herbs alive for very long, at least not without bolting. What’s your secret?

      For me, I hope the habit I keep is working from home! Haha.

    28. allathian*

      More WFH. We have a liberal WFH policy and when we go back to the office in September, I’d probably be happiest working there one day a week and WFH the rest. The only thing I miss from the office is spontaneous chats and coffee breaks with people I don’t work with day to day. If the COVID prevention measures are stringent enough to prevent that completely, I don’t see the point of going back…

    29. GoryDetails*

      Re new habits: for me, one would be the adoption of proper hand-washing techniques (and frequency). Not that I didn’t wash my hands before, of course, but I’m paying more heed to a full 20-second count, and to washing before going out and after coming home. Oh, and while I’m not quite rid of the touching-my-face habit, I’ve cut back a lot on that – using something other than my bare hands if I need to scratch my nose or rub my eyes, etc. Even if/when COVID goes away/has a vaccine, those habits should help reduce my acquisition of other illnesses. [I suspect that wearing a mask may become a new habit too, at least when spending time in crowded public spaces…]

      I have been doing better at planning my shopping so I don’t go out more than once a week, something I would like to keep up in future, as it saves time and gasoline and (if I follow through on using any fresh produce before it goes bad) money.

    31. Sparrow*

      Regularly video chatting with friends! I’m back in regular touch with long-distance friends I don’t see or talk to often, and there are even local friends I’m seeing much more regularly than I was before – like once a week in a standing zoom meet-up versus once every 3-4 weeks irl. That’s been pretty great and I hope it continues even after life returns to something resembling normalcy (which I do think will happen, just…not soon)

  6. NRL*

    Inspired by this week’s book recommendation, which is a movie too: When I watch a movie based on the book, I like to read the book afterwards. (I find if I watch it first, it ruins the movie for me but for some reason it doesn’t happen the other way around.) What movies based on books have you liked? Which ones have you disliked even if you liked the book version?

    1. Dust Bunny*

      I think that the 1956 (I think; the one with Gary Cooper and Anthony Perkins) movie version of Jessamyn West’s _The Friendly Persuasion_ is better than the book.

      The 1967 _Far From the Madding Crowd_ is also very good.

    2. Blaidd Drwg*

      I’m the opposite; I almost always read, then watch (as long as I’m committed to reading it at some point; if it’s something I have no plans for, then I’ll watch first).

      – I liked the My Sister’s Keeper movie better than the book; I hated the original ending so much that it was validating to see it changed.
      – One of my favourite YA novels was absolutely butchered when they made it into a film, Blood & Chocolate. They completely changed (& ruined) the characters and plot.
      – While some Austen adaptations are better than others, I generally enjoy them all. I’m particularly partial to Billie Piper’s Mansfield Park & the 2007 Northanger Abbey.
      – Speaking of Billie, her Sally Lockhart films were an exception from my rule; watched first, then was inspired to read. (The ending of The Shadow in the North! T_T)

      1. Kate*

        Interesting- I am the total opposite re: My Sister’s Keeper. Loved the book, LOATHED the movie.

        Into The Heart of the Sea is actually one of my favourite books of all time. Total surprise. The movie is as Chris Hemsworth-y as you would expect; the book actually does some really critical thinking about race and its impact on how the story ends out (trying to avoid spoilers there).

        Controversial pick: I have always hated the actor the chose to play Harry Potter in the movies. IMHO they picked him for looks, not actual acting or personality, and I lasted half of one movie before swearing off the rest of the franchise (I later went back and watched one and a half more on an airplane out of desperation, I still can’t stand Harry)

        Hunger Games was better as movies than books, probably because the inspiration in the first place was Reality TV. The medium just suits it better.

        Outlander is weird. I would almost say the books and the TV show are two completely different stories. They are both good, but something really changes when you get out of Claire’s head — I am sad that the medical aspects of the story that I loved so much in the book are near impossible in the show, but the show cuts down on some seriously meandering storylines, which I appreciate.

        1. Reba*

          Re: Outlander, I haven’t watched very much of the series, but it is like other adaptations where the narrator’s or main characters *voice* is so important in the books, in a way that can’t really be carried to the film medium.

      3. chi chan*

        I loved the ending of My Sister’s Keeper movie too. I tried the book after the movie but gave up halfway.

    3. Mystery Bookworm*

      Typically, the more emotionally attached I am to the book, the less I will like the movie, even if it’s well done. For that reason I don’t like *Chronicals of Narnia* or the Harry Potter films, although I can acknowledge they’re well made. (I refuse to watch *Ella Enchanted* altogether.)

      An exception to this is *I Capture the Castle* which is a favorite book and the film was endearing, I thought.

      I liked *The Shining* and *American Psycho* MUCH better than the book versions. I also prefer the film version of *Under the Tuscan Sun* but they’re basically different stories so it’s not a fair comparison.

      And not a movie, but I HATED, HATED the Netflix version of *The Haunting*. WTF with that ending???

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        I strongly encourage you to keep avoiding Ella Enchanted. The movie was AWFUL compared to the book, which is one of the few books I’ve reread several times in my life. Such a magical story.

        One film adaption I like better is Sahara, although I’ve heard that Clive Cussler once said “I’m not sure whose novel that’s based on, but I don’t think it’s mine.”

      2. Jackalope*

        I hated the way they dealt with Ella’s magical compulsion in the movie. In the book it’s very important to her that she struggle against things and try as much as possible to keep control of her life despite it. In the movie when someone gives her a command she leaps to attention and then immediately does whatever it is exactly as asked. For me it took away a lot of her agency, which was one of the underlying themes in the book.

    4. aarti*

      I was obsessed with the Princess Diaries books as a kid and I love the movies. They’re very different but I love them in their own way!

      I’m generally a books over movie type person though the movie can be better when it removes an annoying inner monologue or overly detailed descriptions. Eg-I enjoyed the Twilight movies but could not get through the books.

    5. Kiitemso*

      I tend to like it when books and movies are very similar but adapt to their formats so that you can say, “The movie is different but still very good.”

      David Fincher does a great job of this. Gone Girl I would recommend both book and film for different reasons. Same with Fight Club, though both the book and the film have aged a bit.

      Trainspotting is another one where both are great but in vastly different ways.

      1. league!*

        Loved the Gone Girl book, hated the movie primarily because of the way Amy was portrayed. In the book she’s

        SPOILERS

        a classic charmer-type sociopath who’s all bubbly and lovable, although of course it’s fake, but in the movie she’s an ice queen and it’s hard to imagine her being so beloved.

        1. Falling Star*

          I could not finish the Gone Girl book. There was maybe 1 other book in my life I didn’t finish, but I can’t say for sure. Had no interest in watching the movie.

        2. Mystery Bookworm*

          I also found that the book made Nick seem way less sympathetic. At the end, I was felt that those two awful people deserved each other. Whereas the movie made Nick seem more sympathetic to me.

    6. Jen Erik*

      I’m another that found the original ending of My Sister’s Keeper thought-provoking, and was grumpy at the film as a result of the change. I Also hated the ending of the 2005 Pride & Prejudice film – it just makes me cross that Elizabeth Bennett is so sidelined, and the last scene is two men agreeing her future. That anyone could have thought that was appropriate is mind-boggling. (So I waited to see the US ending, and it was worse.)

      Lot of hate in our house at the moment for the Artemis Fowl movie, and when I say hate, I probably mean genuine sadness that the franchise has probably been killed off by the terrible first film. (I haven’t read the books, but I feel the same way about the Dark is Rising film – I do not understand why a writer or director would make fundamental changes to a much-loved book.)

      I’m finding it much harder to think of books that have become films I’ve loved. I did love the TV series of a series of Unfortunate Events, but they weren’t books from my childhood, and I’d only read about three, so I don’t know that that counts. And I loved the BBC’s North and South adaption, but again, I saw the adaption first, which is a different experience.

      I’m crossing my fingers that the adaption of the Bridgerton’s is released soon, and is good. I really enjoy the books, but I don’t love them as books – if that makes any sense – so won’t mind if they’re changed. And I just want more light and fluffy things in my life.

      1. RagingADHD*

        We saw Artemis Fowl. So. Much. Hate.

        I haven’t read the books, but I was appalled that it was just so poorly written altogether. Zero character development. Terrible, on-the-nose dialogue. Constant exposition instead of people *doing* things.

        Bleah. Branagh of all people should know better.

    7. Helvetica*

      I watched the first Lord of the Rings movie and then read all the books before the next one, and it just holds up so well. I guess this isn’t news to anyone but I do think of how easy it would’ve been to fail with those movies and instead, it was everything I could’ve imagined.

      And one I was really worried about was “Atonement”. I loved the book so much and I actually remember thinking that it would be impossible to make it into a good movie. But then the movie came out pretty much the next year and it was so good, so perfectly capturing the mood of the book.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I do like the LOTR movies except what they did to Faramir. It eliminates the contrast with Boromir and dulls the impact of Boromir’s change of heart.
        The one saving grace is Sam’s line “I feel like we shouldn’t be here”–at which we burst out laughing and whispered “that’s because you never went there in the book!”

        1. Tau*

          Agreed – LotR is one where I don’t like the movies because of the books. Sure, some changes were probably a good thing – removing Tom Bombadil, making Arwen take a larger role at the start (although I’m less happy with how that role developed) – but what they did to Faramir was just… no. I was also very annoyed at the way Gimli got treated as comic relief.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Yes, a cheap joke, and failure to take full advantage of John Rhys Davies’ abilities.

            1. allathian*

              According to the dvd/blu-ray documentaries, many of the bits of comic relief were actually off-the-cuff improvisations by JRD, like parts of the drunk scene and the line about hairy dwarf women.

      2. allathian*

        I did the same and I like both for different reasons, and I’m pretty much onboard with all the changes they did, like removing Tom Bombadil and the Sacking of the Shire (even if Frodo saw a vision of that in Galadriel’s Mirror). I loved the way they moved Boromir’s death to the end of the first movie and Shelob to the beginning of the third, because it made sense from a storytelling POV in the movies. I also liked when they had the Rohirrim join the battle at Helm’s Deep instead of yet another until then unknown group.

        The only thing I didn’t like was the way they changed Faramir…

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I love the Dark Tower books, like I have two Dark Tower tattoos levels of love them. I loved the casting in the movie, and I thought the movie itself was okay, but not a great rendition of the book universe, even set up as the next cycle. But Idris Elba and Matthew McC were perfect to my mind.

      I liked Dan Brown’s Robert Langdon books (they weren’t GOOD, I just enjoyed them :) ) and Tom Hanks should have been (and was) excellent in the role of Langdon, but the movies themselves were crappy and made lots of weird, unnecessary and detrimental story changes. (At least the first two did; I stopped trying after that.)

      Jurassic Park was good as both book and movie, but the second book was written as a sequel to the movie and focused on a character that died in the first book, which always annoyed me a bit.

      Anything where the story depends on the reader’s ability to visualize loses me, because I literally can’t do it – Harry Potter, I was totally meh on the books but enjoyed the movies. LOTR, same, with a side helping of “Tolkien writes like a 1950s Cambridge history professor who hates women” but I LOVED Jackson’s movies. (Hobbit, on the other hand – I love the book, but the movie was kind of a slog with weird extras. It literally takes me five times longer to watch it than to just read it.)

      Stephen King books in general tend to be either quite good or quite bad as movie adaptations. 1408 kept me awake at night, I thought Dr Sleep was amazing (with major props to the way the movie managed to both sequel the book and the Kubrick film, despite the differences between them), I have a soft spot in my heart for the Stand miniseries. I haven’t been able to make myself watch the second half of It yet, because the first half was so well done. :-P

      1. HBJ*

        Yes, I agree about the Hobbit. It is a freestanding book with a subplot that links to LoTR. But Peter Jackson went all “THIS IS THE PREQUEL TO LOTR. PREQUEL. PREQUEL. PREQUEL.” And that ruined it. That and too much CGI, especially in the last movie. And it really didn’t need to be three movies. Talk about a money grab.

      2. allathian*

        I must say I disagree on Dan Brown… When I read the books, I strongly visualized Viggo Mortensen as Langdon (largely because he had the physique of a former swimmer, like Langdon, and unlike Hanks) and it took me the best part of The Da Vinci Code to get used to Hanks in the role.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Well, like I said I *can’t* visualize, and Langdon’s physique always seemed to me as something that was mentioned a couple times per book but never really relevant, so I viewed Tom Hanks as excellent for the general behavior. But I wouldn’t have frowned on Viggo Mortensen either, from a casting perspective! :)

          1. allathian*

            Indeed. I’m pretty good at visualizing, to the point that I often have a full movie going in my head as I read a book, provided it’s descriptive enough. That can be a distraction when I read a book first and then watch the movie, as happened with Dan Brown’s books. I guess I’m lucky in that I watched the first LOTR movie before reading any of the books, so I could keep the style fairly consistent in my head so that any differences weren’t jarring. I remember being amazed how I’d subconsciously imagined Rohan like “vikings on land” and that matched Peter Jackson’s vision.

    9. The Other Dawn*

      I would say I dislike nearly every movie that has been made based on a Stephen King book. The books are far better in my opinion. The only exception is the Shawshank Redemption; however, I haven’t yet read the novella that inspired the movie so I can’t say whether I liked the book or not. I have it in my digital library to be read.

      1. Sunset Maple*

        I was going to post separately, but here is better–Shawshank is literally the only movie that improved on the written source (novel/novella/short story). It’s just that good.

    10. Akcipitrokulo*

      I liked both movie and book of Presumed Innocent – but book is so much better. Movie looks seriously lightweight in comparison, although there are parts I love in it.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The Postman by David Brin was a really good book, with some thoughtful ideas about what it means to survive vs thrive, and the influence of one person or symbol. Costner’s version was cheasy action-only, and blew details to boot.
      Costner’s adaptation of “Field of Dreams” though? He made a good movie out of a good book, even with the plot/character changes required. (I suspect J.D. Salinger said no to being portrayed onscreen even in a fictional version. And we benefited because James Earl Jones was fabulous. )
      On the YA side, “The Invention of Hugo Cabret” was a wonderful graphic novel and “Hugo” was a charming movie.
      And then there’s “World War Z”… a powerful book explicitly patterned on the Studs Terkel oral history “The Good War”–everyone telling his or her tiny slice of those years. The movie? Someone had the horrible idea to make one character who would be in the middle of all the action. It was just a fun&stupid zombie flick with cool visuals. Instead of the movie, go with the audiobook–preferably the complete unabridged recording– with reading done in character by a cast of stars. (Mark Hamill, Carl Reiner, Nathan Filion, Denise Crosby, Alan Alda…)

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        “World War Z”: Enjoyed that book and loved the style, and one could still make a great movie based on it. Since the first one just took the title and the presence of zombies.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        When I read World War Z, I thought it would make a good miniseries/limited series with different episodes for the different stories, if they had to have it done visually. But I bet the audiobook is great.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          World War Z should have been made about the length of ‘Roots’, not shoehorned into a 2hour slot.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      My whole nerdy family loved The Martian in book form, and the movie is great too.

      I picked up a book of short stories by Ted Chiang–so far the best of sci fi, interesting and thought provoking–and one turns out to be the story on which the movie Arrival is based.

      1. Altair*

        I was hoping someone would mention The MArtian I loved the book but the movie smoothed out some of the more frat-boy aspects of the main character, which I appreciated. (OTOH they shouldn’t’ve changed the ending.)

        I really need to read Ted Chiang’s works. From all I’ve heard he’s amazing and right up my alley.

      2. allathian*

        Yes to both of these. Two of my favorite movies from the last decade. I’d read the Arrival story in an anthology before I saw the movie, and while watching it, I had this weird, almost metaphysical feeling of knowing the story before it happened, although something like ten years had passed since I last read the story so I’d forgotten most of the details. Of course, the story was so short that most of the movie was new material anyway.

    13. chi chan*

      I loved both the book and movie Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It’s not a movie but Yona of the Dawn was a good manga and anime.

      1. WellRed*

        I read and loved Wild just last week and plan to watch the movie this weekend, if I can figure out how to input my darn password correctly for RedBox. I also loved the book and movie versions of Practical Magic.

    14. Solar Moose*

      The Martian sucked a lot of the book’s humor out.

      Inferno (Dan Brown) changed the ending in a really horrible way. I was delighted by the ambiguity of the original ending (don’t want to spoil it), I was furious walking out of that theater!

      Netflix’s A Series of Unfortunate Events was FANTASTIC, very close to being as good as the books.

      1. allathian*

        I don’t mind losing a lot of the frat boy humor in The Martian. I like the hard sci-fi aspects of the book, but I hate frat boys with a passion so I’m glad that part was toned down.

        One thing I found hugely funny in the Martian was when Sean Bean’s character Mitch Henderson is organizing a brainstorming session to try and open communications to Mars or to figure out how to get Watney back to Earth and he makes a reference to the Council of Elrond. In The Fellowship of the Ring, Boromir touches the shards of Narsil and says “Still sharp,” which is a reference to one of the most iconic characters he’s ever played, Lieutenant/Major Richard Sharpe. I love catching references like this.

      2. Emily*

        I couldn’t get into the Netflix adaptation of A Series of Unfortunate Events – there were some funny bits, but I found some of the acting (especially from the kids) underwhelming. I know lots of other people who really liked it, though.

    15. Llellayena*

      Liked the book better than the movie: Contact. Mom made me read the book first and it was much better, though the movie was well done. I think the reason books are often better than the movie is that you can get much deeper with the characters and can describe things that don’t translate well to screen. Thoughts and reasoning is very difficult to show on screen, but books can develop that internal dialog. And while special effects can do wonderful things, it’s dependent on the director’s or artists vision. Sometimes describing the indescribable is better when your own mind is inventing it.

      Movie better than book: Hunger Games. The book added nothing to the movie and felt like it had been written solely to allow for an easy translation to screen.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The book came 4 years ahead of the movie, was there a novelization/shortened version published after?

    16. Jack be Nimble*

      I just watched The Girl With All The Gifts on Netflix and was very surprised to learn it was an adaptation. I don’t want to say too much about it, except that it’s a very intelligent and unique take on a by-now-tired horror subgenre, and I’m reluctant to give the book a try because I enjoyed the movie so much.

      I went in the opposite direction with the Netflix adaptation of The Haunting of Hill House. I really love the novel, and the show is just too different. I’ve heard it’s really good, but I think it’s just not for me — I tried a few episodes and was just struck by how much I wished I was watching a more-faithful adaptation. Then again, the strengths of the book just might not translate well to the screen!

      I really like the book Fingersmith and the movie adaptation The Handmaiden. Extremely different, both very, very good for entirely different reasons.

      1. Tau*

        Huh! I’ve read The Girl With All The Gifts and had no idea there was a movie version. For the record, the book is very, very good, although I understand that you might not want to risk having it impact your experience of the movie.

      2. Bagpuss*

        The girl with all the gifts book is awesome – there is also a further book, The Boy on The Bridge, which is set earlier in the same world.
        (They are very different, but I also love Mike Carey’s other work – the Felix Caster novels and ‘Lucifer’ comics)

    17. Koala dreams*

      I liked Howl’s moving castle as a film and as a book. I’ve read the Harry Potter books but I’m not interested in watching the movies. The little I’ve seen on tv haven’t drawn me in. The Narnia books though have great movies, especially The Silver Throne.

      The movie Beyond (original title: Svinalängorna) is very good, the book too, but I’m not sure I’m recommending them since they are very sad. Bring handkerchiefs.

      1. Tau*

        Funny, I cannot stand Howl’s Moving Castle the film! I think it’s because I loved the book, am bad at separating book and movie, and the movie changed a lot of the things I loved the most about the book (Howl and Sophie’s dynamic, most especially.)

    18. Rose*

      I think about how much joy it will bring me and how often. A regular mattress would have been fine for me, but EVERY time I get into bed on my temperpedic I am so happy I own it.

      I came from a middle class home and expensive shampoo was one of those things that was very looked down upon as irresponsible and snotty. I spend $48 for my set of Moroccan oil shampoo and conditioner and my hair, which was already fine, no real issues, is crazy soft and my showers feel like a little moment of luxury.

      I used to use mostly expensive makeup but I found L’Oréal foundation and mascara to be just as good as urban decay and too faced so I stopped.

      I also think about how many of something I might need and eventually buy. I have a very limited closed of a lot of black, olive, and cream colored clothing. It’s mostly very high quality. I very often have friends comment on how jealous they are of a beautiful cashmere sweater or hear them talk about how they wish they could afford this or that item. Meanwhile, I go to their houses and they have closest and drawers stuffed with 15 $50 sweaters, 25 $20 tops, etc. I would rather have a few really nice things than a million ok ones.

    19. KittyCardigans*

      The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society was a charming book, but the movie sucked every single bit of wit and whimsey out of it and made it a dull, Hallmarky historical romance. I was so disappointed, especially since I like the main actress. She just wasn’t right for the part.

    20. Sunset Maple*

      Two movies changed major plot points so badly that I still rage about it: Arrival and Runaway Jury.

      SPOILERS BELOW

      The way Arrival changed the daughter’s death (from a freak accident while enjoying her hobbies as an adult, to a drawn-out illness as a child) completely destroys the viewer’s sympathy for Louise, in a way that is grossly calculated and sexist. In the book, Louise understands the inevitability of time and accepts that she will not have forever with her daughter, but knows that her daughter’s life will be full of joy and fulfillment despite ending early. In the movie, Louise is so desperate to be a mother that the audience is subjected to a tortureporn montage of a deathly sick child who is barely old enough to develop a sense of self before she’s overcome by disease. It’s disgusting, and I’m shocked that Ted Chiang was attached to the screenplay.

      Runaway Jury took what was an interesting microcosm of addiction vs free will (suing the tobacco companies over the lung cancer death of the protagonist’s in-laws) and instead made the trial about gun control (a child dies via stray gunshot). The book turns this into a David versus Goliath showdown while still making you think about individual choice. The movie says “You have to agree with the protagonist, because dead kid. We win automatically!” It’s lazy, sloppy, and undermines the entire book.

      1. HBJ*

        Oh, I so agree about Runaway Jury. I was so disappointed. Probably the worst movie adaption I’ve ever seen. It’s a completely different story. Literally nothing is the same.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        The screenwriter of Arrival said a major reason he had to make the daughter die younger in the movie was because Amy Adams had to be able to play both the younger and older versions of her character feasibly without aging makeup. IMO, I like that the daughter is younger – it heightens the drama. To me it’s a pretty obvious choice to have a kid you know will get to adulthood but have their life cut “short” (which is relative concept tanyway), while it’s not such an obvious choice to have a kid you know will suffer and die as a child but still have *a life.*

    21. AnonEMoose*

      “The Hunt for Red October” is a fantastic movie, and an excellent adaptation of the novel – the changes they made for the movie made sense, and it’s a well-crafted movie.

      And, of course, “The Princess Bride” – I thought the book was fun, but I LOVE the movie. I also like both the book and the movie of Neil Gaiman’s “Stardust” – the movie is worth it just for Robert De Niro – not going to spoil it. But I will say that De Niro himself looks like he’s having a fantastic time doing stuff you would not normally associate with him…!

      For “Pride and Prejudice,” for me the definitive version is the BBC version with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle from the 90s…no others need apply.

      1. NeonFireworks*

        I loved both versions of Stardust! Mild spoilers ahead. I usually have pretty strong feelings about how bittersweet an ending I want for a particular story, but in this case I thought both the book and the film versions followed well from the plot.

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Speaking of Neil Gaiman… his&Terry Pratchett’s “Good Omens” was a fun book and a fun miniseries!

      4. Emily*

        I find The Princess Bride delightful in both forms! I think the movie does a good job of adapting – it preserves a lot of the feel of the story, but makes a few changes to make it work better in film.

        I also really like the BBC Pride and Prejudice, which is really funny (and also quite pretty). Much like with a lot of Shakespeare, I was able to appreciate the book a lot more after seeing it acted out.

    22. I'm just here for the cats!*

      Not a movie but the Starz show outlander. First found the show and then read the books. There are 8 books and 5 seasons

      1. Trachea Aurelia Belaroth*

        Ooh, speaking of TV, I was really enjoying the adaptations of Neil Gaiman’s American Gods and his and Terry Pratchett’s Good Omens.

        1. AnonEMoose*

          Loved the first season of “American Gods,” wasn’t as fond of the second. But I love Ian McShane as Wednesday…I literally squeed when I heard he had been cast in that role. I also love Ricky Whittle as Shadow.

          1. Trachea Aurelia Belaroth*

            I didn’t get to the second season yet. I have a hard time keeping up with TV, especially darker stuff. But I agree, the casting is almost half the enjoyment of the show. I was just reading the casting of Audible’s adaptation of the Sandman, and I enjoyed it so much I might not even have to listen to the performances.

            1. AnonEMoose*

              I finally gave in and signed up for Audible just so I could pre-order the Sandman…because clearly, Neil Gaiman needs more of my money. I’ll probably get the full-cast version of “American Gods” with a future credit.

    23. Trachea Aurelia Belaroth*

      I tend to like movies that know they’re movies and adapt the material to suit the medium, honoring the book but not trying to recreate it (so long as they actually do a good job, haha). Some that I like in both media because they are suited are Jurassic Park, Stardust, Howl’s Moving Castle (but only in Japanese because I DO NOT like Christian Bale’s voicing), Shawshank Redemption, and The Body. Fight Club I actually like the movie better. There are others but I can’t think of them right now.

    24. Ron McDon*

      Not a movie, but I looooved the recent BBC adaptation of Normal People by Sally Rooney. I hadn’t read the book before watching the series, but read it afterwards and really enjoyed it.

      Generally I prefer to watch the film/tv show then read the book afterwards; there’s usually a lot more explanation and background in the book.

      1. allathian*

        We’re halfway through the BBC miniseries. In this one, the episodes are so intense that I’m actually glad they’re only 30 minutes long! Maybe I’ll read the book, too.

    25. Falling Star*

      I really liked “The Firm” movie so much, I read the book.
      Didn’t like the Book. Thought a pack of lawyers running around the countryside playing detective was ridiculous.

      1. WellRed*

        The one with Tom Cruise? I recently reread the firm and want to check it out (don’t love the book, but was in the mood for Grisham).

    26. Just us chickens*

      I’m sure I would’ve enjoyed Jack Reacher as a typical action movie if I didn’t have the knowledge that he should be 6’3″, 6’5″? Not the 5′ something that is Tom Cruise.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Cruise was the producer…so I’m pretty sure he didn’t consider anyone else.

    27. voluptuousfire*

      I’m a huge Jacqueline Susann fan and the movie version of Valley of the Dolls was just terrible. I wasn’t able to make my way through it even though I wanted to love it because I do love campy films like that. The book is my all time favorite novel.

      The most recent book/movie I both enjoyed is Call Me By Your Name. I saw the movie 6 times in the theatre because I honestly couldn’t figure out if I liked it or not. I usually tend to like queer romance films but this one took awhile for me to really like. Now its one of my top 5 favorite films. The book is excellent as well and the movie was a great adaptation of it. The movie was an excellent distillation of the greater plot points of the book and very little was moved around.

    28. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I LOVED the book of The Cider House Rules and it literally changed my life, BUT the movie is better because it cuts out a 15-20 year interlude that has relatively little impact on the plot and the theme (some semi-major characters get cut out but I don’t miss them when watching the movie). John Irving adapted his own book and I think that’s why the movie works so well.

    29. Lindsay*

      Contact, Pride and Prejudice (BBC miniseries, but the 2005 movie is ok too), Atonement, Little Women (new and 90s one), Jane Eyre, The Princess Bride, Emma (new one), Harry Potter films, The Secret Garden (90s one), The Age of Innocence (90s one), The Great Gatsby (either one), The Book Thief, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

    30. Ronda*

      I used to think the book is always better….
      but then the princess bride movie came and I really cant decide which I like more… both have their advantages.
      (I read the book long before the movie and really loved it, so was a bit wary of the movie, but it was great)

      I saw the movie Arrival 1st and loved it. I even watched it a 2nd time on a plane and liked it again…. but the big screen experience really made this one more enjoyable. I loved the feel of the movie and the sound of the movie and seeing how aliens looked. I listened to the short story it is based on and I didnt really like it. His stories dont have much feeling to me ( I listened to all in the collection, not just this one) Interesting ideas, but no feeling.

      I went to a Q&A of the author of the books the HBO mini series True Blood was based on. Someone asked her about the changes / stuff not in the book. She said they are different things and she is not bothered by it. She wished that she had come up with one of the characters in the mini series that was not in the book because she was a great character. ( Bill’s daughter)

  7. Financial calculation*

    Do you have a financial calculation/ formula when buying something you’d consider a luxury version of a practical item (assuming you have cash on hand)?

    Ex if you usually buy $50 sheets and you find a sheet set that is $250 that completely bowls you over in some way. But 5 times more than usual is a lot whether you have the money or not.

    1. Bibliovore*

      Why yes, I am glad you asked. As I have aged, I do spend money on the super expensive thing that would appall my younger self. I make fewer money errors now. I purchase fewer things. I am not an impulsive spender. If something absolutely bowls me over I consult with a friend. A good example is swimsuits. I had always bought not cheap but not expensive speedo tanks. I once found myself trying on a 90 dollar suit and phoned a friend from the dressing room.
      I buy fewer things but still like a bargain. That $250 sweater might go on sale. I watch the website. If it goes on sale for under $150 with free freight AND it is in my size it is meant to be. I obsessively read reviews.
      Now sheets. That is a tough one. I do buy expensive sheets. I DO feel the difference and it does make me happy.
      Sometimes I amortize the purchase. I buy pricey glasses because I wear them everyday. I finally bought a custom cuff crutch to replace the generic hospital type issue one that I had for years. Padded leather cuff, bicycle handle grip, sized for me, titanium. Worth every penny. If you are shopping for crutches, I highly recommend the Fetterman lite stik.
      The equation in my head- are all my expenses paid? No unsecured debt? money set aside for prudent reserve? For donations? Then I buy it.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I recently spent $170 on sheets, which would have appalled my younger self and made my mother and father drop dead. But I’d been looking and looking for what I wanted (crisp sheets, not those overly soft and thin sheets everybody seems to be selling these days) without any luck, and when I finally found something that fit my criteria, I took the plunge. I am glad I did, too. I sleep much better and really enjoy seeing the nice crisp sheets every time I get into bed.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My first experience with a $100 bathing suit was a revelation. It was the first time in my adult life that I felt really confident in a suit! Honestly, if you can swing the cost that feeling is priceless.

    2. Doctor is In*

      Will the purchase mean you can’t afford something else you want or need? Also my mom always said, wait a week and see if you still want it.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Sort of. I used to ask, do I like Luxury Item X times more than I like Non Luxury Version. That led me to over-buy on the luxury side. Now I ask, will Luxury Item give me X times more pleasure than Non-Luxury Item. For me, this helps me distinguish between “this is truly great art” and “this is truly great art that will make me happy to own.” Maybe it’s a bit of a Marie Kondo thing. It has to spark, not only joy, but X times more joy than the basic model.

      2. Vina*

        Also, is the quality 5X that much or is it just the name? Will it last 5 x as long?

        For example, in the grocery store, store brands are usually made by the same people who make the name-brands. So, I’ll typically buy the store brand.

        If I’m talking watches, shoes, purses and items that have a visible quality and durability difference, then I purchase the more expensive item.

        For sheets, for example, there is a visible quality and durability difference if you get a higher-tread count. But, after you get beyond, say 200-250, the difference isn’t worth it.

        Side note: with clothing, I do two things. One is to learn how to tell quality v. Not (e.g, stitching, matching of pattern at sewed edges). Item two is to have clothing tailored. A $20 blouse from target with $5 of alterations that fits me properly will look much better than a $2000 blouse that does not.

        1. Vina*

          PS there are tons of articles on the internet on how to tell quality clothing. For other items, do your research. They you will know if the value use with it.

      3. Vina*

        I also sometimes buy something just b/c it makes me happy.

        I have enough coffee mugs to serve the chorus line of the Rockettes. I still sometimes buy new ones b/c I like them.

        Not everything one buys should be about liking it or “speaking joy,” But some things just should.

        For me, vinyl records, coffee mugs, yarn (to knit), art supplies, wine and bourbon, cat toys, and a few other items are things where I will gladly indulge.

        Finally – never anything disposable unless it’s also something like high-end chocolate that will get eaten.

      4. Nervous Nellie*

        This is the ‘wows per dollar’ idea that I first saw in a book in the 80s called ‘Your Money or Your Life’ by Joe Dominguz & Vicki Rubin. It stuck with me ever since and is why I have no debt and even though I doubt I will ever afford retirement, it has given me savings tools that mean I can sleep at night knowing I can withstand most financial surprises.

        My folks were of this mind set all along. Recently I laughed with my Mum about a time when I was about 12 years old and driving them crazy for a pair of designer jeans to fit in at school. I know now that those jeans would now be long gone, and they would not have had that money to live on in retirement. I am grateful for the perspective. That said, after 25 years of using threadbare bath towels, I just bought fancy thick hotel style towels – worth it, and definitely more ‘wows per dollar’ than the cheaper, lighter ones. :)

        1. Not A Manager*

          Wows per dollar is a great way of phrasing it. That’s exactly how I try to make these decisions.

        2. Bibliovore*

          Hey I just recommended Your Money or Your Life to a friend yesterday! I’m all about the wows. Also there are some super pleasant surprises- COSTCO sheets are sort of pricey (more than $60) but they are just as fabulous as sheets that are 3 times their price. They don’t always have them but they also have wonderful bath sheets.
          Go for the wow.

    4. matcha123*

      Not a financial formula, but when I want to make a pricey purchase I spend a lot of time looking up reviews, taking a look at the items I have on hand and how much more use I can get out of them, and such and so on.
      If the item is limited and I would get a lot of wear/use out of it, then I might just buy it. If it seems like something I could find used, I check those places first.

    5. willow for now*

      I look at the actual amount of dollars I would spend, not just the difference. $250 sheets are only $200 more than your usual sheets. But a $2500 couch is $2000 more than a $500 couch, so that one, I would think about a bit harder. Is there something else I would want to have that “extra” $2000 for?

    6. Kiitemso*

      I sometimes look at times of (likely) use. Sheets that are more expensive generally get more use than say, a shirt that is expensive. Even if you change sheets a lot, when you are using that one you are sleeping on it every single night. I don’t usually wear a shirt more than 2-3 times a month at most. A winter coat I will wear for four months out every day for at least 5 years, so for me, a splurge there is perfectly acceptable.

      I also once bought cheap sheets that were uncomfortable until the 12th wash, so those kinds of experiences can also play a factor.

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      There is often a difference between price and value. Cheap items may be poorly made and not last as long, but they may surprise you by being higher quality than you thought. I consider how well the item is made, how often I will use it, any repair or maintenance costs (if applicable), and whether I can buy the item without going into debt. Sheets, shoes, and appliances I tend to veer towards the pricier side. Clothing and housewares I go with cheap to midrange. I have also had good luck in finding good deals at thrift shops and my town’s local “buy and sell” Facebook page. I bought a beautiful interview suit for $15 that would have cost about $300 new in the store. I know that because the original department store tags were still attached!

      1. Vina*

        I know I’ve discussed the boots theory of economic value on here before with some posters. But it relates directly to this.

        A $5 pair of boots v. A $500 pair.

        I have a $500 pair that I’ve had for decades. Will need to have them resoled this year. But I have worn them a lot.

        For the curious, they are Beretta boots. Beretta was traditionally a long-gun manufacture, but they maybe outdoor/hunting gear. Their women’s boots are super-high quality and last. They are also super-comfortable.

        If you splurge on nothing else in life, have one very-high quality pair of boots. And watches.

        1. Nita*

          This! For a few years, money was really tight and I’d buy cheap $20 boots and cheap $15 purses. I’d have them for a year, tops. Then the boots fell apart and the purses would start to flake. The very first year when I had a little extra to spend, I bought a pair of boots for $65 and a purse for $75. I felt like such a spendthrift. Well. It’s been a few years and the new boots and new purse are doing fine. Much better.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      This isn’t universal, but for a lot of things, my mental math is along the lines of, if I get one use per dollar spent, will that be sufficient to make me feel like I got my money’s worth, and to I think this is sufficient quality to make that likely?

      Example: If I buy $10 shoes at Payless, I expect to be able to wear them ten times before they start having issues. So I wouldn’t in general do that for everyday shoes – but maybe if I wanted something super specific, summer dress sandals that I would only need a couple times a year, sure. My everyday wear shoes, I’m more willing to spend $100 on, because I have higher expectations of them, and I’ve been fortunate enough that they hold up. (This isn’t a perfect example – I’m not going to wear my $500 Sandlar boots that many times, because they’re very situational in their styling, but I COULD because they’re handmade high quality leather and they’ll last forever, I’ve already had them for six years. Similarly, my $200 ren faire garb has not had 200 individual wears, but it has gotten me through 21 ren faire seasons.)

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I have to look at how it benefits me. I sleep better on cotton sheets, so my first thing is to look at the content- 100% cotton? Good, keep going. For this kinda money, I have to be in absolute love with the color/style. Let’s say that I am so we can keep going… The next thing is to look at the online reviews to get a sense how these things are wearing. Are people pleased or are they regretting their purchase?

      Last. Okay so this looks like I am going to do this. I tie it to something, maybe a b-day present for myself or maybe I take on a personal/work challenge and this is my reward. My final step is to see if I can get a break on price. I have used points on my credit card to get some things. (Snowshoes, for example.) I also try to figure out if it will go on sale or if I can find a coupon code.

      My bias: I tend to be penny pinching. Things have to last forever if I pay good money for them. In the case of sheets, I do believe that good bedding (linens and mattress) can be part of good health. If I sleep well, my body will function better. So I tend to think that it’s an investment. I would probably do this but I would look for ways to see if I could save some bucks on the purchase. If I cannot find any reductions, I can at least say I tried.

      1. Vina*

        What’s your thread-count range?

        Do you care if it’s “Egyptian” or regular cotton?

        I find sheet preferences so interesting!

        I have a friend who wants flannel. I have only 200-250 thread count cotton in my house. He hated it.

        I’ve also tried natural fibers like bamboo. Bamboo was waaaay too slick. I kept sliding out of the bed. It felt amazing, but completely impractical.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          In an ideal world, it would be the best organic cotton and highest thread count I could afford.
          But like you I have the thread count in the 200s, because that’s my price range.

          Right now, I have a cotton quilt (not a big fluffy comforter) that I end up cocooning in and I sleep like a rock. (Nights are cool here.)

          Interesting about the bamboo. I wanted to try that sometime. I have a bamboo pillow here. Some days I really like it and I sleep well with it. Other days it ends up on the floor. So I guess I am middle of the road on that one.

          I have a lot of issues with chemicals so synthetic sheets don’t usually do well for me. I do have fleece sheets for winter which sounds like I am confused. There is a wind that pounds my bedroom wall every winter. I got in heavy insulation and good windows. I can STILL feel the cold. So if the sheets make me over heat a little I am okay with that. Early spring, I switch back to the cottons.

    10. Purt’s Peas*

      First, I make a budget. If I budget $200 for something, I’m probably not going to spend $15 on a version of it just because that version is cheaper. If you can spend it, you can spend it.

      Second, it’s really worth considering what you’re paying for. It’s likely that luxury item was made for a similar price and with similar methods to the non luxury item. So what are you paying for? This doesn’t have to be judgmental. Was there a really cool ad that made you ache for it? Do you like the aesthetics of it? Is it fair-trade or handmade? Are the materials non-synthetic, or vegan, or nice-feeling? Do you want to buy a luxury thing for the feeling of “ahhh I live in luxury!”

      This isn’t to justify the purchase or to dissuade you from the purchase. It’s just to identify why you want the thing. Maybe you’ll be like, eh I could pay this markup for a fair trade product but maybe not for “I like the luxury reasons.” Or maybe you’ll be like “the nice material and living in the lap of luxury is a one-two punch, I’m getting it!”

      Knowing why you made a decision really helps with buyer’s remorse. Though maybe this entire comment is saying to a maximizer, “why don’t you just satisfice??”

    11. Ranon*

      My first criteria is whether the more expensive item is an incremental improvement or a significant difference- for example we just spent (mumble mumble) dollars on a kid’s bike because we wanted one with hand brakes and components designed for kids rather than adult components on a kid’s frame, which makes for a significant difference in quality and ride experience (for a corresponding difference in price). That’s what I consider the Vitamix versus Oster spending for quality- there’s a big jump in price and functionality but it’s only worth the price if you use the function. But if we’ve been wishing we had the function consistently we’ve found it’s worth the money to buy something with that functionality.

      For something like sheets where there’s more of an incremental improvement and wear/ longevity is a factor we’re more likely to try to get a sense of where the highest value price point is- often there’s a point where the quality stops improving and you start paying for branding. So we try to land thereish on things where the quality matters to us (related, I’m totally ready to replace some of our sheets but I guess we hit the quality line just right because I’ve gotten almost ten years out of our current sets with no signs of wear besides elastic so I guess we’re keeping them forever?)

      We are also at a point in our lives generally where we have lots of disposable income and limited need for new things so we do tend to shop at a higher price point overall than we once did when we’re making the “is the nice version of this worth it” decisions. Except furniture because the things that cost 2x the Ikea version aren’t generally 2x better in quality and the things that cost 10x are 10x better but with a kid in our house they won’t stay 10x better.

      1. Shrieking Violet*

        Yes! Like Bibliovore, I am all about amortization. I think this was a commercial some (many?) years back. Price divided by number of uses = actual cost per use. So I am willing to spend more for a classic pair of shoes or earrings than the trendy pair I’ll wear once or twice. Sometimes I would put on an outfit I’ve had for years and think, it only cost me $2 to get dressed today!

        Also, as Ranon says, there’s (usually) a whole world between $X and $5X. How does something that’s $2.5X compare? But as long as $5X doesn’t keep you from meeting some other obligation (including those to yourself, like retirement or charitable giving), go for it.

    12. Overeducated*

      Less a financial formula and more a strategic habit. Spent my 20s and early 30s on a very tight budget, got used to hand me downs, but even more importantly, simply delaying purchases. If you have one big luxury item on your mind, but you put off actually buying it for weeks or months, you wind up making fewer big purchases over the course of a year.

      1. Nicole76*

        That’s my approach to car buying. I buy new, but keep my cars as long as possible so that in the end I will have purchased fewer overall cars during my lifetime. I’m only on my second new car, third overall car (the 1st was a hand me down) and I’m in my forties.

    13. Jules the 3rd*

      For durables I usually buy the luxury version, it’s usually worth it. We’re still using the pots and pans we got 18 years ago, and the new stove is amazing. But clothes? I’ve changed shape a lot over the last 10 years, and am still changing. I buy mid-range clothes for work but only sale / closeout clothes for daily wear. Swimsuit elastic seems to die after two years, whether it’s a $150 suit or a $40 one.

    14. Not A Manager*

      Here’s another calculation I make. People were talking above about durability and quality, and their sometimes-correlation to price. There are times when the mid-range version of something either (a) won’t last as long as the pricey version or (b) won’t provide much happiness for the money (the wows per dollar discussed above). In that case, I will sometimes opt for the super cheap, bottom of the line version and treat it as more-or-less disposable.

      Our house has an odd mixture of pretty nice, fairly expensive, well-made furniture and then a bunch of Ikea or similar. If we can’t afford what we really want, sometimes we don’t want to invest the extra money into something we don’t like, that will last for a while but will still need to be replaced in a few years. We’d rather have something with decent lines (like Ikea), that works okay for now, and that we don’t mind tossing out when it breaks or when we can afford the thing we really want.

      I do that with clothes too. I have a few nice, expensive pieces, but generally I buy very inexpensive things that look good for one season and I don’t mind that they get tiny holes in them or they start to fade. In my experience, “mid-range” clothes frequently fall apart anyway and just aren’t worth it.

    15. Koala dreams*

      With nice looking stuff, I’m thinking “I don’t need to buy everything in the art gallery”. The thinking is, I like the colour/pattern/look, but it’s enough to see it in the shop window, I don’t need to own it to appreciate it.

      For clothes, I imagine opening the wardrobe in the morning and choosing clothes. If that piece of clothing were to hang in my wardrobe, will I reach for it first thing in the morning?

      For sheets, I buy rather cheap stuff, but I do have a really expensive cover. So, yeah.

      Recently my shopping has become more erratic due to all the online shopping. I knew there was a reason I prefer to buy in shops. Somehow there’s less impulse buying when you need to carry things home with you, instead of ordering delivery.

    16. Sunset Maple*

      I calculate based on the way I intend to treat the item.

      Example: I sling my purse around, stuff it full of sunscreen and other spillable items, and chuck it on the grimy factory floor at work. I don’t want something I have to coddle, and rub with leather conditioner, and tuck into a satin bag at night. Expensive purses are a waste of my time and effort, so being able to afford one is irrelevant.

      1. Slightly Sloppy*

        I relate to this! I’d be so stressed out about ruining an expensive purse and don’t have time to care for it

    17. Dan*

      Literal formula? No. But I look at function and value, perceived or literal. The first place I start, though, is checking to see if I’m buying “new” functionality or replacing something that already exists. If the later, that’s almost purely in “luxury” spending anyway. E.g., I’ve got a 7 year old TV. It’s HD but not 4k. Replacing it with a 4K TV is on my list at some point, but let’s be honest, that has to go purely in the “luxury” category, even if I buy the cheapest model out there.

      Now presuming that I’m buying something where the functionality is actually needed. First, I assess what I actually need. Then, I assess what I may not need, but will actually use or value. If I don’t value it or expect to use it, then odds are I won’t but it. I’m not much into “name” brand anything, so buying Z brand for the label does zilch for me. For me, the label essentially serves as a tie-breaker. If the thing was a serious contender anyway, the brand can help me make up my mind.

      On the topic of bedding… I’m not all that particular about sheets, although I like Egyptian cotton. That said, I recently bought a $5,000 bed when I could have bought a $1,000 bed. And you know what? It was worth every penny. I took stock of what I needed in a bed, and the cheap stuff wasn’t actually an improvement over what I currently had. So in that regard, the cheap stuff would have been a waste of money. (I was waking up with a lot of lower back pain, hence the purchase.) The stuff that was giving me proper support was more pricey, and there was no getting around it. I bought an adjustable base, which I thought was bit of a frill. Turns out, not so much — the thing is great.

      OTOH, I’m the opposite with cars. I don’t drive a ton (less than 8,000 miles per year) but I drive regularly in non-COVID times. While my cars last forever, I tend to buy late model slightly used cars. I just can’t imagine spending oodles of money on cars.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        It’s probably a seperate thread, Dan, but which bed did you go for? Some neck, back and hip pain that are not improving here and I can feel a dip starting in my existing (was expensive) bed.

        1. Dan*

          Perhaps, but threads drift. I went with the Tempurpedic pro-adapt medium hybrid with the adjustable base. I also got their memory foam pillow. The funny thing with the adjustable base is that there’s a preset on the remote called “zero g” that sales people love to show off. I hate it. But I do sleep with just a smidge of elevation of my lower body and upper body and I love it.

          If there’s one thing I learned mattress shopping, the internet ain’t it. There’s all these mattress-in-a-box places that tout great reviews, but I was able to demo a few of them, and none had the support I know I needed. And if you return those mattresses, they most likely end up in the dump. Plus, everybody’s different, so random testimonials from random people on the internet don’t mean much for the person looking to buy.

          It’s true that you can’t truly tell how you’ll like a mattress until you sleep on it for awhile, but I think if you have one you don’t like, you can figure out what you don’t like about and then demo things in stories. If you’re noticing sag when you first sit in a bed at home, and you notice the same sag in the store, what’s the point in bringing it home for trial? There weren’t that many beds that offered less sag than what I had, so sadly, I had to pay. One sales guy at a non-Tempur store even told me that he used to work for Tempur and sleeps on a Tempur, so if I know I want a Tempur, there’s not much alternative. He didn’t even bother to try and show me some “lower priced alternatives that you might like.” It was really just a “sorry dude you have to bust out your wallet.” Well I did, and I’m happy with my purchase.

    18. Jackalope*

      I have specific areas that I let myself spend more based on my interests and then try to watch the cost on others. For example I love ballroom dancing, it’s one of my favorite hobbies, under nonpandemic circumstances I go dancing a couple of times a week, and this has been my habit for over a decade. I will therefore be willing to pay extra for a good pair of dance shoes that will make my feet happy since I will wear them a LOT. I also like to dabble in the garden which for me means one or two days a year of intense work and then a bit of weeding and watering as needed. It’s a much less intense hobby and I care a lot less. So I spent enough money to get the basic needed tools at a solid but not fancy cost and then I try to spend less money when possible. I’m not going to spend $200 on fancy gardening tools because it doesn’t matter to me that much. So a part of it is figuring out how important it is to me and how much the extra money will help me enjoy it (because having danced in $20 dance shoes and $200 dance shoes, I will give up dancing before going back to the $20 dance shoes; the difference is too much. And as others have pointed out, $200 shoes will last a lot longer and be worth the extra money).

    19. Thursday Next*

      This is a really interesting question! I guess I make different calculations depending on the category and other tradeoffs. I bought an expensive bottle of champagne after realizing my overall alcohol consumption and therefore expenditure was much lower this year and last year. So there was a kind of substitution of 1 bottle for x less expensive bottles. But also the feeling that I’d get more pleasure out of 2 glasses of fancy champagne twice a year than two glasses of wine every week. I guess this is a combination of trying to value pleasure and practicality.

    20. NoLongerYoung*

      Yes, for me the algorithm is quality but not focused on the nam/ brand (it’s about function… ), and longevity, and not creating landfill. I literally don’t buy unless I need it (replacing something broken and un-repairable, is first; then something that saves me time better used to improve my life/work/meet my goals is second – which includes learning to paint, for example; spending money to just entertain is very low if it is mindless shopping or can be met another creative way).

      My comparison was the automatic espresso machine. I had bought a used (insert name of one that cost more than my first car), and it had finally reached end of life a week after the SIP started here. Note, that this substance is essential to my job retention and keeping (I think) my schedule and depression stable.

      I looked carefully at the replacement version online. Then did more research, and discovered that regardless of how much I spent, they all have about a 5 year life regardless of price. My new one is 1/5 as much; it is mostly plastic, basically zero chrome. I call it the Toyota corolla of automatic espresso machines.

      I am happy. My budget is happy. And, I can retire two months earlier, basically, if I look at the amount of after-tax income I would have spent to buy a new (insert name of the Lexus machine).

      For non-urgent items, I do research and then put it on a master “wish list.” Then periodically evaluate how to get it if I still need it. (thrift store? Offer up/local buy-it group). In some cases, I have a set of friends and borrow and try it. (Decided I did not need a seltzer maker, for example).

      By postponing the non-urgent, and comparing the savings I’m making (against my retirement goals), I have reworked my mindset and I’m actually pretty happy about it.

      Note- I did get some phenomenal sheets – because I like the 100% cotton high thread count and I can feel the difference – at the local (charity) fundraiser sale. a good sterilizing wash… and 3 years later I am still alternating those two sets and they look flawless. Sadly, as I understand it, most of those donations are from older folks whose estates get donated to that charity. A lot of very nice things were “saved for the good/ visitors” and rarely to never used. Not Porthault but very nice. So look around. Patience is your friend.

    21. foolofgrace*

      If it’s something I use a lot, like every day like a paper towel holder or set of mixing bowls, I will spend more because of the frequent pleasure I’ll get out of using it. I spent too many years buying the cheap stuff and being irritated every time I can’t easily get a paper towel or not having a bowl of the right size.

    22. Aphrodite*

      “Do you have a financial calculation/ formula when buying something you’d consider a luxury version of a practical item (assuming you have cash on hand)?”

      I do, and it varies depending on the item. As I have gotten older, I find myself making far fewer mistakes as regards money. Take sheets, for example. I used to love sleeping at Grandma’s house because those wonderful sheets–cool, crackly when you climbed into bed–were such a treat. Well, the trend is toward soft, softer, softest now but I hate that. If I could get sheets that matched that I’d be thrilled. And I did! It took a lot of googling and reading but I discovered the percale sheets available through the Vermont Country Store to be fantastic. Low thread count, pure white percale dried on a line are absolute heaven. I don’t think they cost more than other cotton sheets but they are crispy and crackly. So I end. up spending what I consider more money on those but, oh, the pleasure.

      I would rather wait and save and buy high quality of most items now. That’s what our grandparents did: save until they could afford it. Having it cheap and now is no longer my preferred way. And I like things to last, an important factor when spending more money.

      The financial calculation varies depending on the item but I almost always go for the quality item that costs more–and yes, I am willing to pay the price for US-made goods. I also buy frugally for other items like TP, paper towels, books (thrift stores!), etc. It’s understanding value vs. price, quality vs. usage, and enough vs. more.

      I tell ya, this getting wiser as I get older is genuinely priceless!

    23. OP for this thread*

      Well… this question has become kinda moot since our hvac system broke this morning and it is going to be $$$ to replace it.

      And we’re in a heat wave. Sigh.

    24. Cedrus Libani*

      For basically all life decisions – including “should I buy this item I do not strictly need” – my goal is to maximize the overall awesomeness of my life.

      I don’t spend money lightly, because money is freedom, and freedom is awesome. But I do spend money, because sometimes it’s worthwhile. For example, I spent $500 on a self-cleaning litter box. Scooping cat litter is not awesome; letting the cat waste stink up the house is also not awesome; throwing money at the problem removed both forms of trouble from my life semi-permanently, and I have no regrets at all.

      I am also willing to pay for upgraded versions of the items I use heavily – for things like shoes, bras, and bags, I’d rather buy the $120 version and get a few years of trouble-free use out of it, rather than buy the $20 version and have to repair or replace it every few months. It’s not actually that much more money in the long term, and it’s so much less of a bother.

      However, for me, a minor difference usually does not justify a major expense. Sure, I can hear the difference between my partner’s $2000 speakers and my $20 speakers, but for my purposes – rocking out to some tunes while I do house chores – I’ll take the slightly muddy tone and $1980, because that is the path of maximum awesomeness as far as I’m concerned. I can buy a lot of other awesomeness for $1980.

    25. Nacho*

      Yes: I buy the cheapest thing possible until I have tens of thousands of extra money in my bank account/stock portfolio and literally nothing to spend it on, at which point I start to worry that maybe I’m being too miserly and start buying the second cheapest things.

    26. Jamboree*

      Well I have two thoughts on this: first, I almost never regret buying a more exclusive, generally better quality item when given the choice. Experience has simply taught me you usually, but admittedly not always, get what you pay for. The cheap sheets will tear faster / pill sooner / shrink / fade whatever so you’ll have to replaced them more often, spending more in the long run.

      But if that still had me doubtful, I calculated cost-per-use … That $500 suit doesn’t seem to cost as much when you figure with care you might wear it twice a week for the next 20 years. That’s 25c per wear! Not unrelated, I bought my wedding dress at a Loehmanns outlet on clearance.

      1. Jamboree*

        Autocorrect makes me sound extra snooty. I typed “expensive” not “exclusive.”

    27. Bagpuss*

      Fascinating thread!
      I don’t have a formula as such but I do consider how much use / pleasure I will get from something and whether it is worth it to me to spend the extra.
      So for instance, I wouldn’t spend thousands on a hand bag because I’m not interested in having a designer name on it, and wouldn’t want the worry of nursing it, but once I could afford to, I did start paying for better quality, more expensive bags because they lat longer and look better for longer than cheap one. I bought a bag 3 years ago (original price £150, sale price when I bought it £75) which I’ve used daily and which still looks smart, whereas the ones that cost £30 or so rarely last even a year before they start looking tatty. Similarly I will buy mid-range shoes which are better quality, rather than very cheap ones, because I don’t like shopping for shoes and it is important for me that they are comfortable, and I find that spending £75 rather than £25 gets me that. (I will buy cheaper if I am not expecting to wear them much – my sister and I bought identical shoes for our other sister’s wedding where we were bridesmaids – appear from wearing them around the house in advance to practice walking in them, I didn’t (and didn’t expect to) wear them except for the wedding. We bought them in Turkey but I think they were only the equivalent of about £15.

      Having got to a point where I have had the chance to do so, and can afford to , I have also found that it is worth it to me to spend more on really good meals out, and part of that is that while it is expensive, it’s affordable if I don’t do it too often, and I do get more pleasure from it than I would by (say) having 5 times the number of pub meals or takeaways.

      I do sometimes find myself ‘justifying’ the things I spend money on to myself by reference to what other people spend – so for instance in normal times I spend a lot more than most people do on theatre tickets, but I spend a lot less on holidays than a lot of people I know. It’s a bit odd because of course I don’t have to justify my spending to anyone except myself, but I still do it. I think mostly where my spending is on things which are a little bit out of the norm!

  8. Anon for this post*

    Can anyone recommend any sources on how to be more approachable or even likable? I’ve always been shy and introverted, but it seems to be impacting my life. While I think that the people that I currently surround myself with are toxic, I blame myself for everything. A few close friends say that I’m fine and just need to relax/be myself, but I don’t know if this is true.

    1. Grim*

      Read the book “how to win friends and influence people”. Made a positive difference in my life and career.

      1. Helvetica*

        Seconded! It’s an old book but Dale Carnegie really knew what he was talking about.
        And a similar book to that is Robert Cialdini’s “Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion” which is also fascinating.

        A good tip for being likeable is asking a lot of questions if your talking to someone. People love talking about themselves, and if you ask them stuff, they’ll remember you as a good listener and as an approachable person.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I’d say you need to be pretty expert in social skills to apply Cialdini’s work without coming across like a cheesy salesman.

    2. aarti*

      It’s fine to be shy and introverted! There are books and articles extounding the many benefits of it, so try Google and read some of these. If it bothers you only then should you try to change something.

      In terms of being approachable, ask people questions about themselves and really listen to the answers. Remember what they said and ask them about it later, “How is your 6ft rainbow scarf coming along?”

      1. Uncertain*

        This is good advice. People love to talk about themselves (me included!), and expressing interest in their activities and thinking is a great way to open a conversation which may lead to friendship.

    3. Anonnington*

      The thing about shyness and social anxiety is that they’re extremely common. And a lot of people don’t seem to realize this.

      So the bad news is that shyness is often read as something intentionally insulting (because of people’s own social fears). It can come across as though you’re being quiet or distant because you don’t like the other person or you feel superior.

      However, when you keep this in mind, it’s really easy to mitigate it. Just say things that make your feelings and intentions clear. Like giving people compliments, saying, “It’s great to see you!” and so on. You can also just say that you’re kind of shy or introverted and a lot of people will relate. It’s just a matter of building those kinds of bridges.

      Also, a lot of people really enjoy talking. So you can use introversion to your advantage. Ask questions that show you’re geniunely interested and then just listen. This applies to making new friends, of course. Don’t set yourself up to be a designated listener in the long run. It’s just a way to make a good first impression without talking much.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Keep reading here. You will get more and more insight to what people are thinking about and what their concerns are. Advice columns in general are an opportunity to get a peek inside someone’s thinking.
      If you have general ideas of how people think you are more prepared to interact in more situations.

      My other suggestion is odd. I say just accept yourself. You tend to be introverted, this isn’t a crime, honest! I looked at my own introversion when I read, “people are introverted IN PART because they feel a need to protect themselves.” It’s not wrong to protect yourself! But it could be misplaced, because sometimes the people we need to protect ourselves from are the very people we interact with. Perhaps you can distance yourself from the toxic people and feel less vulnerable???? In some cases, I was safer with strangers and I refused to consider this angle. Once I started setting boundaries with those around me, I found it easier to extrovert myself more. Strangers became less concerning because I had defined my boundaries. I had defined what I would and would not accept from people. This takes time, it’s not an instant thing.
      Get to understand your needs/concerns and what you want in a friendship. Start there.

      1. Washi*

        This was my immediate thought, but NSNR said it much better :) “Strangers became less concerning because I had defined my boundaries. I had defined what I would and would not accept from people.” So true!!!

        The more I accept myself, the more comfortable I am around others, and the more comfortable people seem to be around me. Instead of working hard to be liked, I work hard to be myself and like myself. It sounds really self centered, but I’ve found that it’s actually the opposite. When I didn’t like myself as much, I was often unconsciously fishing for reassurance and validation from others and trying way too hard to control how our interactions went. Now that I feel more comfortable with myself, I can just be me and let other people be themselves. I feel safe and secure because I have my own back.

        1. winter*

          Yes, I definitively +1 this angle.

          You can ask questions, smile more, remember to say hi all the time. This puts you in the position that you are waiting for other’s approval. Success will depend on if others are happy with you.
          This might be okay as an intermediate step, but what will make you feel good and centered in the long run is the advice in this subthread.

          When I turned my focus to “what do I want from this interaction?” “Am I satisfied with the thing I did just there?” (including putting the effort in but not immediately getting results) “Am I ok with how I’m being treated or do I need to push back?” That’s what makes me feel better and lets me make connections on equal footing.

          Nice and healthy people do not want to (subconsciously) be the judge and executioner of your self-worth. It’s okay to get clear on your wants first and hold fast to them in any interaction (of course with the caveat of respecting boundaries – if you make a bid for connection and the other person doesn’t take it up, try another time. And don’t try forever with the same person if it’s not working)

          In that vein, asking question does work well, the others are right. But don’t forget the second part: share some facts about yourself unprompted and see if they pick up the bid. Otherwise the others might feel like they are being interrogated, or worse, you meet people who love talking about themselves and will never show an interest in you. You are worth being interested in.

    5. Vina*

      Have some go-to Q&A you can discuss with people. Interesting, but not standard stuff. If you have a script, you won’t be so nervous in the moment. If you have good questions, people will remember you. If you ask about others, they will like you.

      Instead of asking the usual stuff like “where do you work?” “Married?” “Kids?” Ask about a favorite piece of art, ask about where they would love to travel given an unlimited budget, ask about where they have travelled that they loved, ask about guilty pleasure musically. Now, some people will be sticks in the mud and not answer. But I’ve found people respond to unusual, but not overly personal, questions.

      Also, people love to talk a bout themselves. So if you can just get the conversation flowing, it will help you.

      Finally, ask opinions/favors of others. That makes them like you. If you phrase it as “can you do me a favor?” Then ask for an opinion, it’s a double-win.

      For example “can you do me a favor?” “I can’t decide if I like the chocolate teapot model or the Carmel dipped in nuts model, do you have a favorite?”

    6. Sandi*

      “While I think that the people that I currently surround myself with are toxic”

      It is okay to let those people go. I have a friend who had many toxic friends because they didn’t think that anyone else would want to be around them. They would meet someone toxic, that person would see an easy target and want to be friends, and suddenly they had a big collection of them. Learning to value themselves and dump those toxic people was the best thing, and they slowly replaced them with really good friends. It took a longer time but much better for all of us. I don’t know if that is the case for you, but good luck either way.

      1. Vina*

        Seconded.

        Also read up on toxicity and setting boundaries.

        Could it be part of what’s going on is that you have some concerns about your own ability to set boundaries with people?

        1. Vina*

          IDK that it is the case, but just want to flag it should it be part of it.

          I’d rather raise it and be wrong than not raise it and have you suffer.

          1. ampersand*

            I’m not the OP, but I’ve recently concluded that this is what’s happened in my life–my boundary-stomping family of origin never taught me about setting boundaries (either how to or that it’s a good thing to do), and I’m just *now* realizing how that’s translated into letting toxic people into my life (mainly, I become friends with people who are emotionally draining and not true friends). This can be hard to identify if it’s all you’re used to, and I’m glad you flagged it just in case anyone else needed to hear it!

      2. Anxious Cat Servant*

        This. Thanks to a toxic family, I had a hard time finding non-toxic friends. Fortunately at one point I found one good person who introduced me to others but it wasn’t until I dealt with my underlying framework installed by my dysfunctional family that I was able to recognize the less extreme toxic people in my life. The neat thing is that the more I hang around with good, kind, non-toxic people, the better I feel about myself and the better a person I am.

    7. Morning reader*

      I’ve lived in my new region for about three years now, and I was making some good attempts to get out in the community and get to know people. Volunteering, book club, senior center and so on. I’ve noticed that when I am with someone else (a friend visiting from old home place for instance), I also get involved in more conversations with new people. I don’t know if I’m less approachable alone (I’m not good at striking up conversations) or if my companions are more approachable or if other people feel more comfortable chatting with a couple or 2 or 3 women together or what. I’ve noticed even my next door neighbors are friendlier and chattier when I have others visiting vs being in my yard by myself. Perhaps people think approaching a woman on her own can be perceived as threatening. Perhaps I give out shy awkward “please don’t talk to me” vibes when alone and I’m defaulting to more sociability When with others. Who knows? My advice, bring a wingman sometimes, someone more extroverted than you.

    8. Artemesia*

      I am an introvert and not someone who was ever immensely popular but when we moved to a new city where we knew only our daughter’s family, I needed to build us a social life and I knew my husband would not do that. I found that they key was to be enthusiastic about events I was participating in (e.g. not my sarcastic self, but positive during that initial acquaintance) and to take the initiative. We have lived in Chicago for 8 years now and within two years we had a nice social circle of two very close friend couples whom we saw every week and another half dozen couples we often socialized with for plays or dinners out or dinner parties etc and then another dozen of couples and singles we sometimes socialized with. It all stemmed from me when I would meet someone — usually a woman my age at a book discussion or meet up walk or club — I would get their number and arrange to meet for lunch. If we hit it off I would arrange a dinner out with our husbands — and from that we built a nice social circle.

      So being welcoming, taking initiative and being positive about that play or restaurant or whatever you are celebrating all helped me accumulate friends who then mostly were happy to be with my more ascerbic self once they got to know me.

      1. Artemesia*

        PS during the pandemic these friends are now in our movie club on zoom and we are beginning to meet one couple at a time in an open air setting e.g. drinks on our rooftop, dinner on their rooftop or in a park etc where we can social distance but see each other. Others we meet for drinks on zoom to chat with.

      2. JustKnope*

        Wow! As someone who wants to embark on a friend-seeking mission like yours (and has been thinking a lot about it lately) I’m impressed by your persistence, strategies and success!

  9. Friend of Bill*

    I am celebrating my 30th anniversary of sobriety this weekend. I know this is a tough time for those wishing to abstain from alcohol. Can I hear from my AAM fellow travelers? How are you doing? Anyone counting days? I just discovered a podcast called Back From Broken. It is interviews with people who are in recovery from alcohol and mental illness and PTSD etc. Highly recommended. I am almost finished with the run. Does anyone have any other podcasts like this to recommend?

    1. Doctor is In*

      Congratulations! It is tempting to drink more than usual in stressful times. Good job.

    3. Also sober*

      Congrats. I’ll be 19 yrs sober this Monday!
      I don’t go to AA anymore, but my friend does and she is attending online meetings which she says is helpful.
      I will check that podcast out; I don’t know of any others, sorry.

    4. nep*

      Not a podcast recommendation, but (here I go again) pretty much anything by Dr Gabor Maté. On YouTube you can search his name along with themes you’re looking for…see whether he resonates.

      1. Nervous Nellie*

        nep, I made a promise to myself that every time you mention Gabor Mate, I will take the time to explore his video list and watch one I have not seen yet. Thank you SO much! I will do that today. After seeing him speak, I feel like a plant that has been watered. :)

        1. nep*

          Oh my goodness, Nervous Nellie. That is such a great way to put it. SAME.
          May you find one that speaks to you. He’s truly a gift to humanity.

    5. Lemonwhirl*

      Highly recommend John Moe’s excellent “The Hilarious World of Depression” (which sadly was recently dropped by its distributor but hopefully the archives will be around for a long time). I particularly recommend the “crossover” episode that he did with Ana Marie Cox of “With Friends Like These” – she speaks so movingly her of struggles with addiction and mental illness. Really relatable and helped me understand my mom in ways that I never had before, since she struggled with some of the same issues.

      1. Friend of Bill*

        congratulations. You are not alone. Its easy to find on-line meetings. Just go to your area intergroup website. Also one good part of the pandemic is that from the midwest I can go anywhere. I go to a 7:30 (6:30 for me) am meeting in Brooklyn NY, every day. Keeps me on an even keel and reminds me that the good life I have today started there.

    7. cleo*

      Magnificent Obsession by Jim Nayder. First person stories of addiction and recovery. It was a show on public radio. The host died a few years ago and some of the archives are available as a podcast.

    8. Lulubell*

      Three and half years sober here. :) I never did AA but the HOME podcast was what I listened to when I quit. Holly Whitaker and Laura McKowen hosted, and both released books earlier this year. The podcast was a mix of them sharing their personal experiences, plus interviews with doctors, authors, spiritual leaders, etc on various aspects of sobriety.

      Congrats to you on this major milestone!

    9. Anonnington*

      I went substance-free nearly four months ago. That was after four years of gradually phasing out drinking and realizing I prefered to be sober. I don’t go to meetings, but I’m on an adjacent path, just appreciating sub-free living. Congrats on 30 years!

    10. Come On Eileen*

      30 years is AMAZING. Congrats to you! Fellow friend here walking the road of happy destiny. I have 6.5 years and I love Belle’s Sober Insights podcast. It’s more aimed at people in early sobriety but I still get a lot out of it because she talks a lot about how sobriety becomes the foundation that makes the rest of life possible – and the rest of life can be great when we get rid of alcohol. I also like The Bubble Hour, which sounds similar in that it’s interviews with people who are sober or trying to get sober.

      1. Friend of Bill*

        Eileen! I almost wrote is there anyone on AAM trudging the road to happy destiny. I love that phrase. I will look for those podcasts. Early sobriety is good to hear. Keeps it fresh. My last bender was the day after July 4th. Made it through the 4th, went out the next.
        Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye aye!

  10. Marcina*

    I only came across Ask A Manager about a month ago. I have so enjoyed it, I went to Amazon to see what books Alison had written. Amazon must have a very interesting search algorithm. The first two books returned in a search for Alison Green are her “Managing to Change the World” and “Ask a Manager”. But the third book returned on the search is “What Do They Do With All That Poo?” by Jane Kurtz and Allison Black. There’s a cute drawing of a zookeeper with a wheelbarrow containing a towering mountain of Poop.

    At first I thought it was a strange error. Then I realized that Allison spends a lot of time helping people dealing with all sorts of crap. So – actually closely related, and maybe the Amazon search algorithm is just much more clever than I had given them credit for!

    2. Bibliovore*

      FYI, “what do they do with all that poo?” is a fabulous book and a great read aloud.

      1. Ranon*

        I have read that book so many times to my 3.5 year old. Definitely recommend for the 3 year old set, it’s been wildly popular with all the ones we’ve shared it with.

    3. fhqwhgads*

      Sounds like the algorithm expects people to interchange Alison and Allison and any surname that is also a color.

      1. Marcina*

        Oh, I’m sure you’re right. But it makes me happier to think the algorithm picked up “Books about People who have to deal with a lot of sh..crap for a living.”

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          And maybe they are factoring in phrases from this blog… poo boss, aND all the other times that question #2 was, well, #2 related.

  11. The Grey Lady*

    I typically go and see my grandparents every summer (by plane, as they live several hours away), but I am not going this year because of Covid. They are upset with me for canceling my annual visit and have accused me of not caring about them. They aren’t worried about the virus because they live in a rural area where they don’t have much contact with people. That is true, but I live in a pretty big city that is a Covid hotspot. I just don’t feel safe travelling right now. I have promised them that I will come and see them as soon as I can, but they’re still upset and I’m feeling guilty. Does anyone have any good advice for what I can say to make them understand that I DO care and the virus IS a major concern?

    1. Bob_NZ*

      “I don’t want to be an asymptomatic carrier of the virus and be the one cause your death”??

      Because that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it? – the chance, no matter how slight – that you might inadvertently be a carrier of the virus from your city Covid19 hotspot to where they live?

      You choosing not to travel is an act of love. You are protecting your grandparents (and everyone else you would come in to contact with while travelling). You are also protecting someone your grandparents love (you!).

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah, this. You care, and you don’t want to accidentally bring them a deadly virus.

      2. ThePear8*

        Yeah this. Basically the understanding that if they got it they really could die, and that you love them and aren’t willing to risk their lives, even if it means sacrificing your time with them.
        It’s very tough not being able to see loved ones and friends during this time. But it’s important to keep them safe.

    2. Homo neanderthalensis*

      Sometimes folks who love you and want to see you are willing to shoulder the risk on themselves. In another context this is nice. In this context not so much. Maybe remind them that the risk isn’t just that you’d bring the virus to them- which would kill you- but also all the people in the airport- all the people in the plane- all the people at the rental car center- all the people in the rest stops, ETC ETC. Maybe if your grandparents are generally compassionate people, even if they disagree with the risks to themselves as important, they could see how worried you are about potentially being a vector or carrier to all the people you’d have to interact with along your trip to see them.

    3. Not A Manager*

      “I love you too much to ever endanger you.”

      “I understand that you don’t think there’s a great risk, and that you’re willing to undertake that risk, but I couldn’t live with myself if I thought I’d harmed you in any way.”

      “Thank you for loving me so much that you are sad that I’m not visiting. I love you too much to visit this year.”

    4. RagingADHD*

      At one point when my elderly dad was leaning on me to come over too soon, I said, “Nothing you say now can ever absolve me if I accidentally put you in the hospital or kill you. I could not live with that guilt.”

      He got it.

    5. nep*

      You might just have to accept that no matter what you say or do, they’re going to be upset about your not visiting. Good move, not visiting. Sorry they’re making it rough for you.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, it’s certainly not impossible to find a magical combination of words which will suddenly make them understand (I’ve seen that happen, although not in this context) but… you’ll probably not? I feel like this is a situation where you’ll just have to live with their being upset while holding steadfast in your resolve and absolving yourself from any guilt.

    6. Akcipitrokulo*

      Repitition. Reassurance. They may be more worried than they are letting on, and (illogically) wanting contact because of that.

      Possibly increasing contact could help, if you are able – maybe send some long & chatty emails? Which has the dual advantage of something different and nice and showing caring, and means you don’t have to deal with a guilt trip to keep in contact. (Usual calls keeping going also good.)

      At the end of the day, you can’t make them be ok with this. You don’t control their feelings.

      You can be understanding, kind and reassuring that you do love them.

      And firm, preferably without debating. Accept the complaints will happen, and let them pass by you. Acknowledge the feelings, but don’t debate the result. “I know it’s hard for all of us. I love you.”

      I think they will eventually accept this. But if they don’t, then that is not on you.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Depending on where you & they live, you might have to quarantine 2 weeks when you get back. Or not enter your work site for 2 weeks.
      And all their neighbors would be put at risk if someone sneezes on you in transit.

      1. pancakes*

        It doesn’t sound like they have many neighbors, since they’re in a rural area. Passing through airports twice and being on a plane twice would definitely put the commenter at risk, though. I’d try to emphasize that aspect of it. If they’re not worried about themselves, fine, but it doesn’t follow that their grandkids shouldn’t worry about risking their own health.

    8. Eeniemeenie*

      You can’t change the way they feel. There’s good advice from other posters but if you try all this and they are still upset, go onto working on your own acceptance about their feelings. That’s sometimes harder than trying to convince someone to change their mind.

    9. Artemesia*

      Can you up your on line video chatting or do other things to show extra concern (maybe even send them a couple of nice face masks ). And then stop discussing it. ‘Gram, you know how much I like visiting you and Granddaddy but it would just kill me to carry this to you; it probably wouldn’t make me all that sick but it could easily make you very miserable or even kill you. I could not live with that. I have made up my mind on this so let’s not discuss it anymore.’ Then refuse to discuss and if they don’t cut it off it is ‘well, I have to run, we’ll talk on Saturday’. and then call them back on Saturday and again if they won’t drop it get off the phone.

      These are tough times for everyone — I so miss my own grandkids whom I used to have overnight at least once a week and now see only on carefully socially distanced walks while masked.

    10. Courageous cat*

      I would just work the “think about how I will feel if I give you this disease, especially if you are injured or worse – think about how painful that would be for me”

    11. Um, yeah, no*

      I am dealing with an adult who’s being guilt tripped by his elderly (though by no means helpless) parent. The parent wants a visit (to their hot spot region) 2000 miles from our rural, mostly contained region. My parent is being reasonable (different hot spot, similar distance) in understanding that no one is traveling till vaccine or containment.
      I wish people would be reasonable about the real problems with this pandemic.
      And I wish everyone could internalize that we are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings in this way. You won’t be able to change their minds, but you can express the love you have for them, and that is sufficient.

  12. IOU*

    Does anyone work in property management or adjacent fields? (Not actually a work question, I promise!)

    I’m writing a short story, with a scifi/fantasy angle, and I’m going to have a character disappear for 6 to 9 months (living in the U.S.). And I have no idea what would actually be waiting for them when they get back. Single, lives alone, renting an apartment, no friends or family in the area. After the first month when no rent is paid… what happens? I can read about the eviction process, but what actually happens the first month after a missed rent check/draft, if the person can’t be contacted by phone, mail, in person, and is clearly not living there anymore?

    Has this every happened to anyone? Tenant just picks up and leaves with no word, leaves all their stuff behind? Would my character’s things still be there because of red tape, or would they come back to find someone else living in their apartment?

    Any help or direction would be appreciated!

    1. The Grey Lady*

      Well, I don’t actually work in property management or anything, but my understanding is they would come back and find someone else living in their apartment. If you leave your apartment without notice, you could potentially be sued in small claims court for unpaid rent. Otherwise, if you do leave without notice, this is considered abandonment and means that you would forfeit your security deposit. As far as for what to do with the person’s belongings, state laws differ on this. In some cases, the complex has to put the stuff in storage. In other cases, they can just throw the stuff away or donate it after a certain period of time. It depends. But the complex is going to do whatever they can to get a new tenant in there.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      Try googling abandoned property and tenant laws for the state in question, because there are legal requirements about stuff like this.

      But before that – a non payment of rent often starts the eviction process immediately (because the process is lengthy). But if they cannot contact the person, including by knocking at the door, they could contact the police, who would conduct a wellness check. People dying in their apartments unnoticed is a thing that happens. When there’s no dead body, but the person has apparently vanished leaving all their possessions, food in the fridge and money in the bank, there could be a missing person’s report. Next of kin might be contacted, or the person’s employer.

      The apartment would definitely be empty and rented to someone else after a few months. The details of the possessions would depend on local law, but after six months they’d have been sold or thrown out or collected by the next of kin – by that point, the landlord would have been able to make a reasonable effort to contact the ex tenant and is not obliged to pay for indefinite storage for someone who is probably dead.

      The other possibility would be that the tenant had all the payments set up automatically – their rent and utilities would still be paid, so no eviction, and if the landlord doesn’t need to make repairs or otherwise contact the tenant, they might not have noticed the empty place.

    3. Dr Rat*

      In the US, unless automatic payments were set up, in most cases it is as the others have mentioned: the personal effects would have been either put in storage or thrown out, depending on state laws, and someone else would be living in the apartment. If you’re looking for a storyline in which they come back and everything is still there, covered in dust, you’d probably have to make some adjustments. You can Google Section 8 – if the government was paying for the apartment, it would be different. Of course, you could make it a privately rented “mother-in-law” apartment rented by an individual rather than a corporation, and invent a scenario where at around the time the renter disappears, the owner is, say, put into a nursing home, and a legal situation prevents anyone from realizing no rent is being paid.

      There was a case of 2 sisters in the US who died and their bodies were not found for something like 2 years because they had everything set up for automatic payments – so the lawn was still being mowed, the home was already paid off, the taxes were paid, etc. Google Dreams of a Life for a sad situation in London.

    4. WS*

      I’m not in the US, but had the police come around to ask about a patient of my workplace who had gone missing, and it was the second month of missed rent that triggered the welfare check – the first month was covered by their deposit when they rented the place, so they received a letter about it but it wasn’t until a month after that that the rental agency tried seriously to contact them. The rental agency had to serve an eviction notice to the premises, and 30 days after that packed up everything and put it in a storage unit (at the agency’s expense – they did not have to do that, but goodwill is important in a small town). Sadly, a few days later they found the car by a scenic overlook in the national park and a few months later a body.

    5. Anonnington*

      If they couldn’t reach the tenant, they would try their emergency contact. If that didn’t work, they probably contact the police to report the person missing. After 30 days (or whatever the specified time limit was), they would post an eviction notice on the door. Once the eviction period had expired, they would clean out the apartment.

      At that point, they would need to find out if it was a real missing person case from a legal perspective or just a case of abandoned property. If it was the first, the police or the person’s extended family would get access to whatever they left behind (and maybe sooner than the end of the eviction process). If they could determine that the person was alive but had abandoned the apt, they would take posession of anything left behind, It would all be sold or thrown into a dumpster.

      In either case, the apartment would be completely cleaned and re-rented within about two months of the time it was abandoned. Local laws would determine the time frame. Someone else would be living in the apt, you’d be sued for all expenses, you might be wanted as a missing person, and you might also be sued for feigning your own disappearance (I think that can happen if a lot of resources were invested in looking for you).

      1. Anonnington*

        Also! A landlord who only owns one or two properties might not follow standard procedures. For the sake of the story, you could have an eccentric landlord react in an unusual way.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yes, you can go in any number of directions. You could have an elderly and wealthy landlord who viewed main character as another grandchild and was actually very concerned so they kept everything in place waiting for the main character’s return.

          Or you can go the opposite way with evil landlord who puts all their belongings out at the curb one day after the rent is due, because Law? What Law? Some landlords think they are above the law.

    6. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If you need them to not lose the apartment, have them set up automatic payments. My current landlord has that as a condition of the lease, and the electric company would probably be happy to do the same. There’s a common “level billing” option; if I signed up for that, and then told my bank to pay that amount every month, the electric company wouldn’t notice anything except an overage if I turned off all the lights and the computer, walked out the door, and vanished for several months.

      T-Mobile would notice if we stopped paying the bill, but they’d just cut off service, not call the police for a welfare check. With the above set-up, if I dropped out of sight, there’s a credit card company that would start charging fees and sending notices: that would be a hassle at best for your character when they returned, but wouldn’t get them evicted or reported missing.

      (I don’t work in the field, so this is just personal anecdote.)

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Some places a person can sign up for their postal carrier to report if they do not take their mail from the mail box. The postal carrier would call for a welfare check.

    7. Jack be Nimble*

      If the person has a job, their place of work might call in a welfare check after a week or so, depending on the field and the type of work. If it was a seasonal job or one with a lot of turnover, they’d probably just terminate the character for job abandonment, but if it was a longer-term role, I think they’d probably notify an emergency contact/landlord/police after a few days.

      If the police are notified, I think there’d be a missing persons report, but investigating adult disappearances is often a low priority if there are no suspicious or dangerous circumstances — if the apartment was left in total disarray with a smashed lock and signs of a struggle, they’d investigate more than if it looked like the person had just left quietly and under their own power.

      1. Jackalope*

        I have in the past requested that my employers do that. I was living alone for awhile and they were the ones who saw me most regularly, so I told my boss, “You know I’m super reliable and always on time. If I’m ever late, call out the Calvary, since it means something is wrong.” Never needed it but I was so glad she said yes.

    8. LegallyRed*

      In most (all?) places in the U.S., the landlord would have to pursue a judicial eviction. That’s more than just posting a notice and waiting out a prescribed period of time; the landlord would actually have to sue the tenant for eviction and win. (A fairly open and shut case if rent has gone unpaid.) Usually, the eviction can be filed within days of the missed payment (5, 10, maybe as many as 30 days depending on the jurisdiction) and another 30-60 days would pass before a court date and a final order that would ultimately allow the landlord to complete the eviction and dispose of any leftover property.

      While a welfare check is certainly a possibility, I think most landlords (especially large commercial landlords) would not go to such lengths. I think they would be more likely to assume (as is usually the case in such matters) that the tenant is unable to pay the rent for whatever reason and is avoiding the matter. Also, when the sheriff comes to serve the eviction notice they don’t actually have to make contact with the tenant (personal service); they can just leave the summons on the door (service by posting). (Again, some jurisdictions may do it differently but I would assume this is the standard practice in most places in the U.S. because it is derived from the common law.)

      Source: I used to work as a lawyer for a non-profit that helped people with housing issues.

    9. Green Mug*

      In Wisconsin, the landlord can empty the fridge/throw out spoiling food after 30 days. Formal eviction is after 3 months. They hold possessions for 3 (or 6 maybe) months after eviction. Good luck!

    10. Can Can Cannot*

      Depending on where they lived they would be evicted 2-4 months after the first rent payment is missed. Their stuff would be either put in storage or put on the curb, also depending on where they lived. There would likely be someone else living in their old apartment when they returned.

      If you want to let them come back, you can have the rent paid via automatic payments, withdrawing rent every month. Some landlords like this since it reduces late payments. You could also put utilities on auto payments. If things are auto paid, the apartment should be in exactly the same condition as when they left.

      If you are wondering if something like this could happen, and that no one would notice, do a Google search on Pia Farrenkopf. Farrenkopf was found in her house approximately five years after she died. She had all of her bills and mortgage paid via auto payments. Since everything was taken care of financially, there were no flags raised. It was only when her bank account fell to zero that the bank foreclosed and someone from the bank visited the house.

    11. Junior Assistant Peon*

      If you need an excuse for the character’s stuff to still be there, maybe the building or complex has a high vacancy rate and there wasn’t any urgency for the landlord to empty the apartment and get another tenant in there.

  13. Grim*

    Happy Independence weekend everyone! What are your July 4th plans? I’m planning on a staycation Grill n’ Chill at home with wifey.

    1. Dust Bunny*

      Absolutely nothing. Actually, the 4th is my birthday. I’m lukewarm on that since I’ve had enough of those to last me awhile, thanks, but I suspect I’ll be spending it at the ER with a listless and anorexic cat. I am not thrilled about that but I have to assume I’ll be a lot better once she’s been seen by a vet and started on . . . whatever they need to do for her. So right now I’m kind of wretched but 24 hours from now we’ll all probably be OK, or at least on the road to OK.

      3. Dust Bunny*

        Update: Kitty ate this morning! She has an appointment with the regular vet on Monday, anyway (it was either going to be for shots or “ain’t doin’ right”) but if she’ll eat I think a trip to the ER is averted.

        I found a kitten at the park five weeks ago and have been managing the usual stray-kitten illnesses (upper respiratory infection, gastrointestinal parasites). He’s doing really well and I have a great home lined up for him, but, wow, are these cats putting me through the wringer.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          I’m glad kitty is feeling better – it’s been a bad year for cats. In my fam / friends group, we’ve lost 18 in the last 14 months. Most of them were old age, but there were a couple of younger losses.

      4. Jaid*

        My kittygirl wasn’t eating either. I thought it was because she’s 20, but the vet said it was her thyroid and started her on medication.

        I did switch up her food from the pate style to a minced/chunk in gravy style. This morning, she ate a whole can! (๑ˊ͈ ॢꇴ ˋ͈)〜♡॰ॱ

        I wish you and the fur children well!

      5. Anxious Cat Servant*

        I’m so, so sorry. We went through something similar a couple months ago and it’s not something I’d wish on my enemy. I hope all goes well and she’s able to get the care she needs and you’re able to find the peace you need during this time.

    2. Pam*

      I will eat chips and try and keep the dogs from harming themselves. They REALLY hate fireworks.

      1. Alexandra Lynch*

        I hate loud random bangs and whistles, and around here people have been doing that any night of the week since the last week of April.

        I know it is not technically legal on Memorial Day but I will stretch a point in charity.

        However, I object, violently, to random mortar rounds on a Tuesday night at 11:30 pm.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Fireworks and thunderstorms are about the only good things about my Elder Statesdog going deaf. She used to get so scared, poor thing, and now she doesn’t even bat an eyelash.

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’m in England where it isn’t Independence Day but it is the first day pubs have been allowed to open since March. We are Not Going Out.

      1. Vina*

        Husband just put the ribs on (Kansas city sauce in the offing). Will have it with a wedge/blue cheese salad, fries, and then a blackberry pie. If I’m not lazy, homemade vanilla ice cream.

        I have to work today for a client who is having emergency surgery and wants to update a will. When I’m done, it will be eating and cheesy movie time. I think the theme this year is Indiana Jones adjacent. Like Tom Selleck’s movie and the Quartermaine movies).

        I’m sure the doggies will spend the evening staring at us eating those ribs and hoping we drop some.

    5. ..Kat..*

      I am on call. If I get called in, I make time and a half and will treat myself to something. If I don’t get called in, I get paid a small hourly amount for being on call – I will be paid for sleeping in!

    6. Jaid*

      Wearing red, white, and blue boxer shorts and a red t-shirt for the day. Maybe making some seafood congee, braised meatballs, and miso glazed eggplant. I’ll be going back to work on the 13th and it’s time to step up my prep skills on foods that will fit into my Mr Bento thermos so I can avoid the breakroom microwave…

    7. Anonnington*

      I plan to hide from the world, but I might catch some fireworks later on. I’ll see how my dog reacts and if I need to stay home to comfort him.

    8. Choggy*

      We are having my MIL over for a social distancing BBQ, have not seen her since this has all started, though my husband has done short visits with her (wearing a mask). We will be on our good-sized back deck and make sure to keep 6 feet of distance, and she won’t need to into the house but to use the bathroom which is near the deck. While I have not been out in public (and when I do, I always wear a mask), my husband is a nurse in a psych hospital. No cases in his building and his Covid tests have all come back negative, but not taking any changes. Unfortunately, his MIL has been visiting with his sister, who had been in the hospital to get bariatric surgery and they can’t stay away from one another. So I’m more worried about her than us.

    9. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      I was really in the mood for a seafood night instead of the usual hot dogs & hamburgers. Yesterday I picked up some lobster rolls, shrimp, lobster bisque and littleneck clams to steam. I can’t wait for dinner!!!!

    10. Falling Diphthong*

      Swam. (Outdoor pool really careful about physical distancing.) Battered chest muscles so grateful it opened.

      I bought hamburgers to make tonight. Probably watch A Voice in the Dark.

    11. WellRed*

      I puttered around the house etc. I’m now at my local Applebee’s cause it’s the 4th and I wanted a burger and didn’t get any cookout invites. It’s pretty well done in terms of social distancing and masks.

    12. LDF*

      I’m celebrating freedom by donating to orgs helping immigrants detained at the southern border.

    13. Jackalope*

      At my place it’s like a war zone. I would love to go to bed and it’s well after 11 but I don’t think that’s in the near future. Sigh.

  14. RMNPgirl*

    Anyone else already watch Hamilton?

    I saw it on stage when the tour started, I had to wait in an online queue for over an hour but was able to get good seats. I loved it in the theatre but I might love the film more. Even with good seats, you can’t see all the expressions and nuances in performances. This filmed version allows that and I felt like I got more out of the show. (Also, closed-captioning was sooo helpful!)

    1. Doctor is In*

      Watched it today! Very well filmed, of course not as good as live. Video quality was poor on our Samsung TV but we switched to running it through Roku and it was fine. Well with a month subscription to Disney +

      1. Artemesia*

        Did you do a trial month or something? I am trying to limit my pay channels to one plus netflix — and right now I am doing Acorn and netflix — last year it was Britbox — when I run out of British (French and Australian) murder mysteries on Acorn we will drop it and add another one. I can’t imagine there is much on Disney I want to watch.

        1. Cat*

          I don’t think they’re doing that right now but there’s no commitment. My plan is to pay for one month at $6.99 and then drop it. (I might try to watch the Star Wars movies again while I have it.)

    2. IndoMex*

      I stayed up and watched it. I’ve seen it once in person and know the album very well but seeing their faces up close really added to the experience and helped me even better connect with the scenes. Probably one of my favorite pieces of art!

    3. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’m partway through. I’m enjoying it – as is spouse, who isn’t really into musicals as a genre – but I don’t get the fuss.

      I’m glad I didn’t go when my friend invited me, because the closed captions are essential (I lipread in real life).

      I’m learning some US history I didn’t know, which is always cool too. I’m in the UK so I’ve done only European history at school and university.

      1. Altair*

        I think part of the fuss is the combination of/examples of popular US musical styles which are unusual for Broadway musicals, so if you don’t have that musical background it makes sense that those musical quotations and styles aren’t grabbing you in the same way they grab those of us who grew up with them.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      I read the biography that inspired it, but haven’t watched it yet. Can’t wait, but I promised my son I’d watch it with him, so we’re planning to watch it today.

    5. Lych*

      I don’t live in the US or UK, so going to see it live has never really been an option for me. Over the years I have listened to the album so many times that I can sing along to all of it. I think Hamilton is uniquely suited to just listening instead of seeing the whole musical, since there is barely anything in between songs. But it was still really cool to actually see it be performed, and it did make for a very different experience!

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      For the interested: There is a book called “Hamilton: The Revolution” that’s basically a combination of behind-the-scenes articles/essays about the development of the musical, the cast, etc alternated with a libretto annotated with footnotes by LMM. The physical version is $24 or so, but at least a couple days ago, the Kindle version was $3.99.

      It’s not a “traditional” e-book — they basically digitized the physical book, which is more of a coffee table style book with full-screen color pictures, two page spreads and the like, so I don’t know how well it would lend itself to screen reader tech, but it is a very pretty book (in both editions – I got my husband the physical version for Christmas a couple years ago), and the “behind the music” parts (both the essays and the footnotes) were really interesting to read. I haven’t watched it yet, that’s on the docket for sometime this weekend, but the libretto might be a little easier to follow in some of the busier songs than closed caption lyrics too?

    7. Felicia*

      I watched it last night and thought it was ok, good even, but I didn’t love it. I went in knowing nothing about it, including the history (I’m not American ) and I was a bit confused at first. I got it eventually and there was nothing wrong with it but I just didn’t get the love.

      I’ve seen A Lot of musicals live ( I live in the Canadian city they all come to) and Hamilton is not in my top 10. Musically I prefer the soundtrack of in The Heights , think it was Lin Manuel Miranda’s better work and was super disappointed the movie was postponed.

      It was super hard to tell anyone I know irl that I didn’t love it, and it’s surprisingly hard to not love something that’s a global phenomenon. At least this is anonymous! So if anyone else thought Hamilton was just ok, it’s not just you.

      1. Just Lurking*

        I tried watching it last night, got about 20 minutes in and had to shut it off. I just…didn’t care? Couldn’t see what all the hype was about?

        I love musicals and have seen several in person (including big names, like “Wicked”) but just couldn’t get into this one. I liked the creative approach as far as having hip-hop/rap/jazz inspired songs and loved that so many people of color were cast. I guess my biggest issue at the end of the day is that I just don’t care much about Alexander Hamilton’s life and times, and this particular flavor of US history does not hold my attention.

        1. Felicia*

          I’m really glad it’s not just me! I’ve seen a solid 30 musicals in person over the past 10 years.

          You explained one of the reasons I wasn’t into it better than I could- I didn’t care about any of the characters or events.

          I only watched the whole thing to say that I did but I did first think about stopping after 20 minutes

        2. Different Strokes*

          Yeah, if you’re the kind of person for whom Wicked is a good musical, Hamilton probably just isn’t gonna be your jam.

          1. Felicia*

            I enjoyed at least the soundtrack and what I know of the story of Lin Manuel Miranda’s other musical In The Heights far more so I don’t think it’s the style at least for me

          2. Cat*

            It’s funny – I love Hamilton but have seen Wicked twice and disliked it both times. I felt like I must be missing something since so many people loved it.

        3. Black Horse Dancing*

          It’s not just you. I saw it on TV and was meh. I love musicals, this one was ok. I found the subject matter mildly OK–I love history–but Alexander Hamilton was actually, as presented, a jerk who liked to humiliate his wife and cheated on her. (And his whiny song about ‘tell me how to say no’..ew.) HIs wife and SIL are far more compelling.

            1. Black Horse Dancing*

              I understand that but he’s a jerk. Self centered. Again, for me, it was meh. For me, none of the characters are compelling/have depth.

              1. Luffi*

                That’s interesting! I’ve never seen the musical but the historical Hamilton was definitely a difficult person. So sounds like they got that right :)

          2. TL -*

            I read him less as a jerk and more as a flawed human being who made bad decisions in moments of stress. And I don’t think he liked to humiliate or cheat on his wife; he didn’t do with her in mind (which is absolutely a problem, but a different one.)

            I think a lot of people read him as relatably flawed and sympathetic. (There are lots of people who think cheating is an unforgivable sin and that’s a fair interpretation but there’s lots of other valid ones as well.)

      2. pancakes*

        Toni Morrison didn’t like it at all, and financed a play by Ishmael Reed called “The Haunting of Lin-Manuel Miranda” that critiques it.

        1. Altair*

          I read about that play, and I kind of want to ask Ishmael Reed what he thinks should be done with all the performers whose career has been advanced by _Hamilton_. Does he think they’re traitors for having been in it?

          Liking or not liking a work is not and shouldn’t be considered to be a matter of politics, but I do know that one aspect I enjoyed about _Hamilton_ was seeing a cast full of Black and Brown people who weren’t being relegated to yet another story in the genre of Stories About Being POC. Which are really valuable stories! But they aren’t the only stories that can be told about or by us.

          1. pancakes*

            I don’t think anyone, Reed included, questions the obvious talent of the Hamilton cast.

    9. Solar Moose*

      LOVED IT.

      My (now) husband and I were supposed to see it for our honeymoon in April. LMM gave us a gift :)

    10. Sorcha*

      Yeah, I watched it yesterday and loved it. I’ve seen the show on stage in London three times, but getting to see the original Broadway cast in such detail was amazing. And the direction was great – some of the framing choices Kail made were inspired!

      I started watching again at midnight my time because the cast were doing a Twitter party watchalong, but I was so tired I had to go to bed after Satisfied. :) I caught up with the Twitter list this morning, it was so fun.

      I think I’ll be rewatching quite a lot. Thankfully I already had a Disney+ subscription.

    11. No Longer Gig-less Data Analyst*

      I fell in love with the soundtrack when it was first released, and was lucky enough to see it live in Chicago with Wayne Brady as Aaron Burr. My hubby and I (both fans, though I’m more of a superfan) watched it last night with my 23 year old daughter and her same aged girlfriend. Daughter knew of the soundtrack and story from us second hand, girlfriend was a 100% newbie and didn’t know anything.

      We all absolutely loved it, and it was kind of sweet to have all 4 of us sobbing our way through the second act. For me the big OMG moments were Satisfied – holy s*it Renée Elise Goldsberry can SING, every single time Daveed Diggs was onstage, and Lin and Phllipa’s expressions during It’s Quiet Uptown. I’m sure I’ll find even more on re-watch.

    12. Colette*

      I watched it yesterday. I went in knowing the soundtrack but hadn’t seen it. (I had tickets for June, which is when it was supposed to be here. They have been moved to December but we will see,)

    13. Esme*

      Watched it today and also donated to a charity supporting theatre professionals during the pandemic. Disney+ is raking it in while all employees of Hamilton London are losing their jobs. It was so good – but hearing a full theatre applaud broke my heart.

    14. EllaBella*

      As a black person, it lost me when POC were portraying racist white historical characters. Between that and the other historical inaccuracies, I did not enjoy it when I watched it.

      1. Altair*

        That’s been a very common criticism of _Hamilton_, yes. You’re definitely not alone.

        OTOH, when I first listened to it I loved hearing various musical styles originated by POC brought to Broadway, and delighted in seeing so many actors of color in a story that wasn’t something like _Porgy and BEss_ or _Once On This Island_. And I really enjoyed finding out about Laurens the abolitionist. As a Black woman I found it a very validating musical. Which I bring up because we both exist, right?

    15. Cruciatus*

      I watched it last night and thought it was great. It was so cool to see a lot of the choreography. The dancers really balance that show out. Sometimes they are used as a doctor, or a woman on the street, etc. I felt like they were just as recognizable as the main cast by the end (which is how it should be, but doesn’t always happen in practice).

      I really enjoyed the choreography of sending letters throughout the show.

      Was anyone else surprised to see that Hercules Mulligan/James Madison was played by the actor who plays Dean on Station 19? I didn’t recognize him as Hercules (he wore a hat a lot) but when he came out as sickly Madison I realized it was “Dean”.

    16. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I saw it yesterday, and liked it.

      I liked seeing a Broadway cast that looks like the mix of people I’d see on the streets of New York (though I’m white, which makes the casting choices lower-stakes for me).

    17. Jamboree*

      I saw it a few years ago when it was touring Boston. It ended up being less expensive to buy a season subscription than the individual ticket. So I bought a single season ticket, center stage, for the Saturday matinee and treated myself to a fancy dinner out afterwards and I had so much fun I subscribed for a couple of subsequent seasons, same center dress circle seat each year. I only stopped when I moved away. Now it’s scheduled for dc but it’s too soon for gatherings (also I assume it’ll be cancelled if he hasn’t been already) imho.

  15. WoodswomanWrites*

    Health question about digestion and bloating here, nothing graphic.

    A number of years ago, I noticed that I was bloated when I ate sugary foods. It’s gotten progressively worse to the point where it’s constant, and my belly is so distended I look like I’m pregnant. Three years ago I had an unrelated acute digestive issue and at that time had a battery of tests and procedures that ruled out anything dangerous. A year later I did a follow-up with the doctor to discuss the bloating, and he suspected that I have a decreased amount of enzymes to process fructose, a condition that he said is common with older adults like me. He suggested cutting back on fruit. I’ve done some reading and reduced how much I eat the worst offender–apples–and found a digestive enzyme online for fructose that I can take in advance. That has resolved my discomfort but the bloating is still around and worse.

    Since then I’ve read about FODMAPs and the related diet to address them. I’ve made an appointment with the doctor to get his guidance and will see him soon. In the meantime, I welcome hearing from anyone who has had bloating issues and was able to resolve them.

    1. nep*

      I feel for you. Bloating/distended stomach is the worst.
      I can’t eat apples or pears (or some vegetables) without ending up looking like I’m seven months pregnant, with horrible pain. Same with energy bars esp with peanuts, though less bloating and more overall discomfort. (I’m off energy bars now–the sugariest thing I ate–and my gut is happy for it.)
      I do occasionally get bloating/gas absent any of my apparent triggers. I’ll be interested to read responses here.
      I’ll also be interested to hear what your doc says about it. Hope you’ll find some relief soon.

    2. valentine*

      If you can, stop all fruit and see what happens. Your body might need a break. Are you only bloated or is there gas? What else causes that for you? Do you drink anything carbonated or take in a lot of dairy products? What relieves you may also provide a clue as to the cause, so, different anti-gas remedies are worth trying.

      If he’s not your GP/primary, you could use a full physical with whoever is. You need second and maybe third opinions from someone who will take it seriously and work with you until they can figure out the cause and prevention/treatment.

    3. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      Oh! A friend has that exact intolerance. They learned a lot about fructose and fructanes and are on a strict diet. It’s a pain, but they have a lot more energy now and their bloating has gone away entirely. They are trying to ascertain the limit of what they can consume, i.e. one gin for a G&T, one mandarin a day,…

    4. AGD*

      I’m doing much better on the low-FODMAP diet. My diagnosis was IBS, and cutting out apples and pears and stone fruits (cherries, apricots, peaches, plums) along with the other categories was a challenge for a while but has become normal. I still eat bananas and the occasional orange.

    5. KeinName*

      Yeah, I love the digestion questions! The low FODMAP diet might be very good for your issue, from what I understand of it through my gastroenterologist. It is recommended when your gut cannot handle much, and it changes the bacterial composition, resolving things like IBS and apparently also sometimes IBD. But only as long as you are on this low FODMAP diet, because once you stop the bacterial composition will again change. Ilove garlic and onions too much and they are needed for good gut bacteria, so I have not tried it, even when I was very sick. My bloating and gas was related to histamine intolerance and is now totally manageable by eating low histamine foods and taking a digestive enzyme.

      1. KeinName*

        Oh, and another thing apart from lactose and histamine and gluten intolerance which I was tested on to find out why i have too much gas was a bacterial imbalanace in the lower intestine, which can be treated with a special antiobiotic. So you could also have this.

      2. KeinName*

        And to add another comment: Drinkable clay (no idea what it would be in English or if even available in your country- in German it is called Healing Earth, it is a finely ground mineral) helped me a lot with trapped gas! Truely. It feels like it binds the air to it and you pass gas once and then all is quiet and no bloating.

          1. KeinName*

            I just googled it and: no. It is Loess – very finely ground loess. In German the manufacturer LUVOS names the following components: Silikat, Kalkspat, Dreischichttonminerale, Feldspat, Dolomit.

    6. Tau*

      I have bloating issues, but it sounds like not as bad as yours – my main problem is that one of the places it builds up is below my lung and so my lung volume decreases if I don’t keep it under control. I mainly deal by eating simethicone like it’s candy.

      I do have an aunt with fructose malabsorption and I have to say, a low fructose diet is intense. It sounds like you’ve just reduced it a bit, but it might be worth going all the way for a few weeks – cut out fruit, most vegetables, and sugar – to see if it’s a matter of you still having too much fructose in your diet, or if something else is the culprit.

    7. Mildly Embarrassed*

      Sometimes taking an OTC probiotic helps. I’ve had good luck with “Floragen Digestion”.

      I also find that it helps if I can keep things moving (as in not getting constipated). I will make a point of eating fiber (usually in the form of vegetables) and maybe make a point of eating 8 or 9 prunes before bedtime 2 or 3 times a week. (Every once in a while I might break down and use an OTC laxative, but not often because I don’t want to become dependent on them. The most I would ever use a laxative would be once a week.)

    8. 00ff00Claire*

      The doctor can check for specific problems to hopefully find a cause. I’m not sure, but I think there may be a test they could do to check if it’s specifically fructose malabsorption. I have had a very similar problem and my doctor ordered a hydrogen breath test. There are other breath tests too, that can identify if you have a problem with certain carbohydrates, like lactose. I’m on the low fodmap diet and it’s not that complicated once you get used to it. It has helped me a lot. I started eliminating fodmaps on my own at my doctor’s advice and got some improvement, but then I working with a dietitian and it has helped a lot to have someone help me tailor the diet to my needs. I’m working with her now to see what foods trigger which symptoms (I had others than just bloating, but the bloating was really bad – I too looked pregnant when it occurred). The goal is to add foods back eventually, because it’s not healthy to cut out things and keep them out unnecessarily. If you want good info on the low fodmap diet, look for Kate Scarlata’s book and also a website called Fodmap Everyday. I believe Fodmap Everyday even has an article about enzymes. They may give you some ideas or insights to help you as you talk with your doctor. Everyone is different, so you will have to find what helps you and it might take a while. But I hope this helps and gives you some hope that it is possible to find relief!

    9. WoodswomanWrites*

      I appreciate all the comments and it’s good to hear that people have had good results. Thanks to you all, and I’m taking your comments to heart.

      Some more details that I didn’t mention are that I also have a hiatal hernia as well as GERD (acid reflux), which are contributing factors. Both were diagnosed a few years ago partly because they were affecting my breathing as an asthmatic, after the bloating first started. When I found out about those conditions, I consciously lost weight and I’m on maintenance medication, and that combination has almost completely eliminated symptoms for my breathing and GERD issues. I used to have pain and digestive discomfort, but fortunately that’s gone since I stopped eating so many apples and with taking my fructose enzyme before eating fruit (glucose isomarase). It’s just the bloating I’m dealing with now.

      I looked at a few FODMAP diet lists online and I think I wouldn’t have much trouble with it based on what I already eat. I would miss fruit and cutting out dairy would be the biggest change but I’m willing to do what’s needed to address the problem.

      I have a primary care doctor I trust, and she’s part of the same medical practice as my gastroenterologist. That’s a good suggestion to check in with her.

      1. JustEm*

        Trying low FODMAP sounds like it may be a good next step for you. Food intolerances can be weird! After several elimination diets, I finally figured out that my bloating and abdominal pain occurs if I eat cow or sheep dairy fat (goat is fine), sesame, corn oil, or sunflower oil. If I just do fruit oils (coconut, olive, avocado) and avoid the known triggers I’m more or less fine.

      2. Zweisatz*

        I just want to caution you to get back into fodmaps/fructose/whatever you’re cutting out again after a while (say a maximum of 6 months).
        We eat a varied diet because it’s good and necessary for the human body to get all it needs.
        Even if you have life-long issues with something it’s important to test the boundaries regularly so you’re not unwittingly restricting beyond what’s necessary.

        I did have issues with gluten, lactose, histamine and fructose (and therefore generally also fodmaps). That leaves a very restricted diet. My digestion was better with cutting stuff out but at some point improvements stagnated. I needed to get back into a lot of stuff for it to finally calm down because you also need energy and certain vitamins/minerals for good digestion.
        I pushed the boundaries with food that might give me a little issue but not too bad and now I can eat gluten and histamine no problem. Fructose has gotten considerably better. Only lactose I have to watch (and also take enzymes) but even that has improved so I can eat at least “lactose free” products.

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          Thanks for your perspective. I’ve read that the idea for the low FODMAP diet is to figure out triggers and that it’s not meant to be forever, at least for most people. I appreciate your confirmation from your own experience.

      3. SimonKitty*

        Research the Fastrak diet. It’s designed for people with digestive problems and is similar to the FODMAP diet.

    10. cleo*

      Most of my bloating issues resolved themselves after I started therapy to heal from childhood trauma. I did not expect that at all but apparently it’s not uncommon.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I’ve learned that stress is a common trigger for digestive issues but I hadn’t heard about the connection with childhood trauma. Thanks for the info.

        1. cleo*

          You’re welcome! Trauma (like stress) is held in the body and it can cause all sorts of strange seeming symptoms.

          Good luck resolving your digestive issues. Bloating can be so miserable.

  16. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing.
    I actually ended up taking a little break from the daily writing thing, and I’ve found that I figured some things out where I’d gotten stuck when I did so. Anyone else have experiences like this, considering the prevalent advice (that I’ve given to people too) to write every day?

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’ve always interpreted that advice to mean “write SOMETHING every day” but not necessarily towards your project. Sometimes a five minute totally unrelated slash fic clinch does the job, then you go for a walk and iron out the stuck scene in your head.

      I don’t write every day, either by strict rules or my interpretation. Sometimes I read back and edit, sometimes I daydream, sometimes I read advice/tips/coaching. I am teaching my 9yo creative writing at the moment (lockdown home learning) so it’s been good to get back to basics like “how many senses can we invoke in this setting description? if we asked someone to draw it what would their picture look like?”.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      It’s important to do something creative every day, so you don’t get blocked up, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be working on the same project every day. Sometimes you just gotta draw something cursed and call it a day, and that’s alright.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I am extremely close to finishing the first draft of my sequel to a fan fiction I wrote a couple of years ago. It’s a behemoth, sixty-chapter thing, and I’m really excited to finish it to get some of my life back!

    4. Tau*

      Ironically, I too just came back to my writing after a short break and I’m definitely having an easier time with the section that was just refusing to come out OK before! Like others have said, it might have been better to just switch projects instead of not writing during that time – but I do think occasional periods where you don’t write for a given project but just let it percolate in your subconscious can be necessary to gain a little perspective on it.

  17. VirtualLight*

    I’m working to make a habit of anti-racist actions, so I’m expanding my budget for monthly charitable contributions and seeing how I can use my money for change.

    I’m looking at 1) bailout funds (pretty straightforward) 2) organizations working against voter suppression, especially in communities of color; and 3) getting money into underbanked/ undercapitalized communities. (So far all I’ve got on that one is putting my money in the bank that serves the Black community in my city, NYC.)

    What do people know about effective & reputable (US) organizations working on these issues? What am I missing? What are your thoughts? Thanks!!

    1. Uncertain*

      Sort of related to VirtualLight’s post: I have been wondering about volunteering in voter registration or other activities that facilitate voting for those who might struggle in the USA. I do not live in the US (and am white and am not American) but could be in the US to volunteer, virus conditions allowing, of course.

      Is this something that can happen and is helpful? I am not familiar with US election protocols, but have been hearing a lot about voter suppression, and since I have recently retired, and all the things I had planned for retirement have been pre-empted by the virus, I have plenty of time on my hands!

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        Some things that usually happen around voting in the US:
        Voter registration drives (the clipboards are *everywhere* at the protests)
        Canvassing (go to houses, talk to undecided voters)
        Phone banking (canvassing over the phone, not commercial banking)
        Get out the vote drives
        Working at the polls (US local residents only, but we’re going to need a lot of younger people this year! Older people are the backbone, but COVID’s reduced volunteers. If you know any US younger people, encourage them to work the polls this year. Long day, no phones / texts, small payment, but really important: more volunteers = more polling places can be open.)

        Most require in-person contact, so… this year is going to be weird. Please focus on Pennsylvania (PA), North Carolina (NC), and Florida (FL). Our electoral system makes those three critical – no one can win the presidency without at least one of those three states, and the voter suppression is ramping up.

        Remotely, the best bets are phone banking and get out the vote.
        – Phone banking: find an org (campaign or political group; League of Women Voters, Nat’l Org for Women are two I like, but Dem party also usually has some). They’ll put together scripts, lists of people to call, etc. You may be asking for donations, but often it’s answering questions on the campaign’s issue positions or where / how to register and vote.
        – Get out the vote: donate money for free rides to polling stations. Local churches and political parites often organize this, but Uber / Lyft may have a mechanism for it.

        I know people from strongly partisan states (ie, California) will sometimes go to undecided states (ie, North Carolina) to canvass in person, but that seems unwise this year.

        And I can not overstate the importance of getting polling place volunteers this year. If you can visit a relative or friend and take over their childcare for a day so that they can work a polling station, that may be the biggest help of all.

        1. Uncertain*

          Thank you for your thoughtful answer.

          From what you have written, it sounds like there are lots of ways a non-US citizen can help by volunteering. I was concerned that not being a US citizen would mean volunteering would be prohibited or unethical. Or something :)

          Thank you again.

          1. Dancing Otter*

            Well, poll workers have to be registered voters. We are actually sworn in as judges for the occasion. (I’m in Illinois – other states may use different terms.)
            But everything else Jules said? No problem.
            Door to door canvassing is maybe not such a great idea this year. I think phone canvassing is going to be even more important than usual.

        2. Virtual Light*

          Thank you! That is great info. The NAACP also has a get-out-the-vote program called “Black Voices Change Lives” where they assign you to “contact up to ten [infrequent] Black voters in your community in the weeks before the 2020 election.” It does say that you do not have to identify as Black to participate. They are especially looking for volunteers in GA, FL, MI, NC, PA and WI. You can sign up now. They say they will give you tools to text these people, which is appealing to me, though I would assume it also could be calling?

        3. WellRed*

          This is so location dependent. I’m my city there is an archaic requirement that poll workers be equal numbers of registered democratic and republican.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            wow, yes, that is archaic. Maybe talk to your city council about changing that this year. Our area requires that the top 2 people at each site must be of opposite parties, but after that affiliation is not tracked.

            Also: Yes to NAACP, they have really done great work in my state. They do a *lot* of the ‘day of’ rides.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m involved in anti-racist work and issues of voter suppression. Reclaim Our Vote is reputable. The focus is on helping disenfranchised voters who’ve been unfairly booted off voter rolls to get their right to vote back. (There are other groups with similar names but I don’t know about those.) As a white person, I’m also part of Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ), “to bring more majority white communities into movements for racial justice.” If case that’s a fit for you, SURJ has a chapter in New York City and networks with and supports efforts led by people of color around multiple issues.

    3. TPS reporter*

      Go to the Black Futures Lab website for ways to help. The team behind it coined the Black Lives Matter phrase

    4. self employed*

      League of Women Voters works to increase voter access for all, fights discriminatory voting practices, and provides nonpartisan voter education.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Some of my money is going to Color of Change, for voter registration and to fight vote suppression.

    6. Artemesia*

      I am donating to groups like this too but in this season I am looking to support candidates who are progressive. Ultimately it is about public policy and as long as candidates who run on racism are elected we will not fix our racist policies.

      So I am giving donations to candidates that seem to have a good chance to dislodge incumbents who supported racist and sexist SC choices or failed to support anti racist policy. There are lots of Senate seats up this round and a fair number of opponents to those incumbents who look to have a good chance. There are also lots of house races that are competitive. We are giving modest amounts to about a dozen such candidates.

    7. pancakes*

      Have a look at the National Bail Fund Network. They have an account on twitter under that name. There’s also a directory of community bail funds at communityjusticeexchange dot org.

    8. Bluebell*

      Over the last few months, I’ve done voter postcards with the NC NAACP, done some phone banking, and also donated to a variety of voter activist and racial justice orgs. One I haven’t seen mentioned yet is Fair Fight. I don’t want to break Allison’s rules here, but The Justice Fund is a coalition of Black led orgs working in swing states. You can google it.

    9. LDF*

      UNCF donations might be similar to your 3rd category. Helping people afford college who couldn’t do so otherwise, and helping people stay in college when emergencies happen and they don’t have a family with the resources to help them stay in school.

      1. VirtualLight*

        Thanks! Yes, the money work seems to be the hardest category. I think that as a larger culture we are only beginning to grapple with the idea of economic reparations.

        I found an organization called Operation Hope that aims to “disrupt poverty” through “financial dignity programming,” which seems to mean financial literacy and entrepreneurship education in underserved communities, and they also seem to have COVID-19 mini grants. They position themselves as a civil rights organization. Anybody familiar with their work?

        Grameen USA does microloans for groups of women. I looked at Kiva USA but… there is one loan under “black-owned business” at the moment. Any other thoughts on this, hive-mind? Thank you all for your great thoughts so far!

        1. VirtualLight*

          Um, I meant “Black-owned business.” And I was just reading about how the NYT changed their style guide to “Black” instead of “black” and still made the typo!

        2. pancakes*

          There are several potential problems with this organization and I’m wondering how it was recommended to you. For starters, in September 2019 it rescinded its 2017 audited financials, which raises questions about its financial controls and solvency, and founder and CEO John Hope Bryant reportedly draws a salary of over $500,000/year for his work with the organization while simultaneously running several for-profit businesses that are promoted at Operation Hope workshops and other events — real estate (“Promise Homes”), penny stocks, etc.

          More broadly speaking, the organization describes itself as “moving America from civil rights to ‘silver rights’ with the mission of making free enterprise and capitalism work for the underserved.” The idea that the best solution for structural problems is for individuals to become wealthier is something to think carefully about. Many people would say that’s only reinforcing the status quo.

  18. RacecaR*

    Please stop posting variations on the same fake stories; you’re taking advantage of this community’s good will and it’s not welcome here. – Alison

  19. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this thread is not limited to video games, any games go.
    So how do y’all keep up with new releases? For video games the E3 used to be THE event, but I don’t think I’m alone in feeling that it has been losing relevance for a while now. Do board games have similar events?
    (For those who don’t know: E3 is basically a large event where all the major developers and publishers would come together to show progress on their games or announce them or be like “oh by the way this thing you didn’t even know we were making will be coming out in a few months”. For obvious reasons the physical version has been cancelled and I don’t remember if they were going to go digital).

    1. Andrews*

      I started Arkham Knight and then remembered why I dropped it before; I can’t control the Batmobile. I just suck so much at driving games. I tried getting past the (very early) part where you have to navigate the car across the movie studio roof probably 50 times then just gave up and started a new save of Arkham City instead.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah, its focus on the Batmobile rather than Batman was what bothered me too about that game.

    2. Jack be Nimble*

      This week, I’m playing Hades, a roguelike from Supergiant Games, Crusader Kings 2 (in anticipation of CK3 coming out in September), and the Sims 4 (because I just love the sims so much).

      I get virtually all my games news via podcast from Waypoint Radio! I’ve been a fan of Austin Walker’s for years, but I only just started listening to WPR after binging the Pride & Prejudice Be Good and Rewatch It episodes.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oh, yeah, I’d forgotten CK3 was on the horizon…I spent so many hours on 2, mucking about with cheats, naming empires after myself…

    3. Purt’s Peas*

      I only keep up with newly released board games, barely :p I like Shut Up And Sit Down for reviews.

      I’ve been playing Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door for the first time, and it’s a lot of fun! It’s a pretty funny game and does some interesting stuff with RPG mechanics.

      Also playing Maniac Mansion with my husband. He’s driving and I’m keeping an eye on the walkthrough—cause I don’t mind spoilers—to either drop a hint if he needs one…or let him know if we accidentally used a crucial item and can no longer win. Oh, old adventure games!!!

      1. fhqwhgads*

        I am playing Paper Mario and the Thousand Year door for the fifth or sixth time. I love that game.

    4. Dr.KMnO4*

      Playing a lot of the following recently:
      1. Destiny 2. The new season is quite good, and is setting up for an epic new story DLC.
      2. Path of Exile. A Diablo clone very much in the vein of Diablo 2. Good gameplay, if somewhat overwhelming at times. The new league (seasonal mode) is pretty fun once you get the hang of it.
      3. Animal Crossing. I’m currently working on getting the rarest flower colors, which is a tall order when there is no visible way to tell if the red roses that just bloomed are hybrid reds or regular reds.
      4. Stardew Valley. I love this game, mostly. I wish days were a bit longer. I also tend to play it a lot for a couple of weeks, then set it down for a month or two. When I come back to it I find that I’ve forgotten what I was really working towards. That, combined with my lack of interest in the endgame, means I tend to just start a new farm. I love the gameplay loop in Years 1 and 2, so I just restart when I get bored.

      1. Tau*

        I hear you about Stardew Valley! I generally have the tendency to play games to, like, 95% completion, drop them, then come back to them months later and start over from scratch. It’s a thing.

        And I might have to check out Path of Exile, because was I ever addicted to Diablo 2 back in the day.

        1. Dr. KMnO4*

          Path of Exile is great. It’s free to play, which is great for trying out games.

          Some things that are helpful to know
          1. The skill tree and skill gem systems can seem overwhelming at times. Finding a build guide on the Path of Exile forums can really help you focus on what you want to do.
          2. The game doesn’t always explain mechanics of the new league very well, which is a shame because the league content is really cool. The PoE reddit has a lot of good info for the current league, which is Harvest.
          3. If you do look up a build guide, find one that says “starter”. Some PoE builds involve trading with other players, but “starter” builds tend to work with gear you can find or craft yourself.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Same on Stardew Valley! I literally have post-its on my gaming rig to remind myself what I’m doing. I do the same for Graveyard Keeper, too (basically Stardew Valley but with black humour)

    5. Bilateralrope*

      Any recommendations for games with asynchronous multiplayer ?
      Any games where I can take my turn, then close the game and do something else while the other players take their turns.

      Even ones that require the players to manually email the save file around would work, though I’d prefer a more streamlined system.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I don’t play a lot of multiplayer, but maybe something like Sid Meier’s Civilization would work?

        1. Bilateralrope*

          Which version(s) of civilization have it ?

          Asynchronous multiplayer, play by email, or whatever other names this feature has is something that the developers need to implement. I’ve seen a lot of games where it seems possible that dont have it.

    6. Jackalope*

      I just started another old game for the first time: Dragon Warrior VII. I hear it’s very long and I don’t know if I’ll play to the end but it’s been fun.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Ooh, yeah, just looked it up on howlongtobeat, looks like you’d need at least 100 hours for that one. Have fun!

        1. Jackalope*

          Yeah, I’m betting that for me it will be even longer since I tend to do a lot of grinding; I’d rather have a slightly higher level than expected when facing each boss so I don’t run an overly high risk of dying. But there’s no obligation to finish if I lose interest, so I figure I can keep going as long as I want and then drop it if needs be. Video gaming has come back into my life in a more significant way since the pandemic started, so I have more patience for it now than I would have 6 months ago.

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            Oh, yeah, I feel you on the grinding thing. As a fan of RPGs I’ve found I enjoy such long games most on a portable device (such as a Vita or a Switch, which I’m planning to get this summer) so I’m not stuck in one spot to play them (although I also enjoy playing them in all their graphics glory on PC).

            1. Jackalope*

              I hadn’t thought of that. We do have a Switch and I played a bit of Skyrim on it but haven’t tried anything else.

    7. Lonely Aussie*

      Haven’t really been playing anything this week but I’m seriously considering a switch lite (assuming I still have a job after tomorrow), does anyone have any game recommendations? Animal crossing and Breath of the Wild are def on the list.
      Also yellow or turquoise?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I’m planning on getting a switch myself this summer, though I’ll probably go for the standard version. I’m a fan of the Ys series so I’d say maybe Ys 8: Lacrimosa of Dana would be a good one. Also, that Link’s Awakening remake is adorable.
        As for colour, I’d go with turquoise, but that’s my personal preference.

      2. Dr.KMnO4*

        I would pick turquoise!

        If you like turn-based strategy games you should try Fire Emblem: Three Houses. It has a great story too.

        If you like Animal Crossing you might also enjoy Stardew Valley.

    8. DarthVelma*

      We changed things up a bit this week. (We’ve got a ton of Magic stuff coming later this week and didn’t want to get burned out before it gets here.)

      Anyway, this weekend has been all about Gloomhaven. On Friday we painted our character miniatures. Jeezus h cheeerist they are tiny. But it was fun and totally worth it. I painted my Cragheart to look like she’s made from beryl. She’s very shiny. :-)

      We’ve made it through 3 scenarios (took us twice to get through one of them) and I’m finally starting to feel like I have a clue what I’m doing and I’m really enjoying the game now. We’ve both leveled and added stickers to the map and I even knocked out the first bit of my personal quest. We are really close to upgrading the town for the first time. Hopefully we can get that done today.

      Next weekend is hopefully Core Set 2021 – cats and dogs living together!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I’ll admit I have no clue what Gloomhaven is, but it sounds like you had a lot of fun!

        1. ThatGirl*

          Gloom haven is like beginner D&D – in that the characters and scenarios are mapped out. Its a massive box. We have not painted our characters.

    9. ThatGirl*

      There’s an annual convention in Indianapolis called GenCon (it’s gone virtual this year) that is focused on tabletop gaming, and lots of publishers either debut or announce new releases there. Your friendly local gaming store is also a good resource.

  20. Lucette Kensack*

    My husband’s 40th birthday is coming up this month, and of course we’re not going to be able to celebrate in the ways that we would like. I’d like to ask friends and family to make videos — like a roast — about him, and then edit them together to give him. But I’ve never done anything with video before and I need help!

    First question: What Android apps or web services would you recommend to edit together video?

    Second question: What advice do you have that I can pass on to the folks I ask to make videos? Like: horizontal or vertical? … I don’t even know what other kind of advice might be useful!

    Thanks!

    1. Tortally HareBrained*

      I just attended a virtual retirement party and the host used FlipGrid to record and stitch together videos. They were able to send out a link and a password to film your video, and then play the whole collection during the Zoom meeting. The presentation also has a link for the honoree so they can keep watching later. I have an iPhone but it appeared some people used their computers to film so I suspect this is Android compatible as well.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I can’t help with apps because my resident expert uses an iOS product, but this kind of video should be LANDSCAPE (like tv, not portrait which is how you hold your phone). I’m dealing with one of these at the moment and I’ll warn you it’s a lot of work.

      Think about length – depends on numbers, but you probably don’t want each video much longer than 15-20 seconds, which is pretty much “hey Jim, sorry we can’t be with you, hope you have a great day and we’ll see you soon”.

    3. Aeryn Sun*

      A friend of mine used Tribute to put together videos for her mom’s 80th birthday and it was great. If there is something your husband particularly likes/would get roasted about, you can ask people to include it in the video (example: for my friend’s mom, practically everyone was holding a glass of wine/had a bottle of wine in the background, etc.)

      1. Lucette Kensack*

        Perfect — this is exactly what I needed! Just got it all sent out.

        The only hitch: some folks thought he had DIED, because of the way the company phrases the email invitation (“Please contribute to a Tribute for Husband’s Name.”)

    4. Lady Alys*

      Can’t help with apps (I use an open-source program, Open Shot, in Windows), but some tips for the video makers:

      Make sure the light is in front of them, not behind them.
      If they’re using a laptop webcam, don’t get too close – those lenses tend to be wide-angle, so their faces will be distorted.
      Lift the laptop up so that the lens is at eye level – avoid those views straight up the nostrils :-)
      *Anything* they can do to reduce background noise will be worth it.

    5. Fellow Traveler*

      My sister in law used a website called vidhug to do this for her dad’s 75th birthday- basically you use it to invite a bunch of people to upload a video greeting and then it puts them together for you. It’s not free, but she was really happy with the results, and on our end it was really easy to use and submit.

    6. Not A Girl Boss*

      I use Power Director and it works well for me, but I’m also familiar with video editing software. It isn’t the *most* user friendly but I think with tutorials you can figure it out.

      As far as portrait/landscape, think about where you want to publish your end product. Instagram TV? Portrait. YouTube? Landscape.

  21. Lucette Kensack*

    If someone says they had a “cancer scare,” how would you interpret that? They thought they had cancer but it turned out to be something else or nothing at all (e.g., found a lump, got a biopsy, no cancer)? Or they had cancer and it was treated easily and they are well now? Something else?

    1. Chanel No. 5*

      Their doctor (or healthcare provider) saw something that could have been cancer, like a lump, a mole or another sign, but subsequent tests came back negative for cancer. The definition is pretty straightforward. If they ended up having cancer it wouldn’t be a “scare”, it is the real thing.

    2. Another Sarah*

      If someone has or had cancer that isn’t a scare. A scare means it was thought they could have had it but it turns out that person did not.

    3. Not Australian*

      I think it’s a little more subtle than that, actually. Having had both a pointless scare and (many years later) actual cancer, I would say that the use of the word ‘scare’ is what’s important here – i.e. that the individual had some kind of ‘further investigation’ for cancer which turned out to be something benign, as you say, but also that during the waiting period they were actually *scared*.

      Please don’t underestimate how severely even a temporary uncertainty can affect the morale of a person or a family; all of a sudden, out of a clear blue sky, they’re contemplating things like ‘have I made a will?’, ‘who’ll look after my children/pets?’, ‘will there be a lot of pain?’ and – most importantly in my case ‘who do I tell and how will they react?’ This may sound like catastrophising, but I think it would be very difficult *not* to have these thoughts if one was told “We think it may be cancer, we need to run some more tests.”

      The way I would interpret “I’ve had a cancer scare” is that the person has been told they may have cancer and has had time to worry about the potential consequences if it’s confirmed. Even after getting the all-clear, it takes some time to ‘bounce back’ from what is after all worrying news; it can’t just be shrugged off as insignificant. I’m sure something like 90% of the people who experience this will be as ignorant about cancer as I was before I got it, and may not understand how survivable it can be given the right (timely) treatment. That being the case, even a tentative diagnosis can be quite traumatic, and the emotional effects of it should definitely not be underestimated.

      1. Esme*

        This is so well-put. People I know who have had cancer say waiting for test results was the worst part – they call in scanxiety.

        I had a cancer scare and it was extremely stressful. The things that went through my mind, the waiting… it was awful.

      2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        Agreed. I remember saying at the time that when your doctor says “it probably isn’t cancer” what you actually hear is “blah blah blah CANCER”.

      3. another academic librarian*

        My body likes to scare me. And then there is the fun of inconclusive results with attendant biopsies.

      4. Lucette Kensack*

        Yes! This is what I mean when I use it. I spent six weeks being told I likely had cancer, and because they couldn’t tell where it came from (… because it turned out not to be cancer after all), the prognoses I was hearing were quite poor. It was devastating. I could barely sit up straight. And then I had surgery and it was benign and I went home the next day and it felt like everything was supposed to be normal all of a sudden.

        1. WellRed*

          The stress and trauma are no less real. I bet you went limp with relief and disbelief but still, be kind to yourself.

      5. Falling Diphthong*

        Having had a few weeks of cancer “scare” that culminated in a “yup, it’s cancer” result, I think this is well put. Those weeks from “Hi, can you come in for a follow-up mammogram? Like in 45 minutes?” through various other tests to “The biopsy is back” were rough. Not as rough as cancer! But really stressful.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          (Caveat that as with all human behavior it’s possible to do this one in a frustrating way: If a woman just started getting mammograms it’s not unusual to get a follow-up request, as they don’t have much baseline on her. And I do know someone who wanted to lean on me about being asked to come back in after such an early mammogram, but didn’t want to talk to her doctor because that would be so stressful, and just wanted to do omg what if it’s cancer? without reading or asking a damn word about how likely it was to be cancer. It wasn’t cancer. I got a similar call a year or two later and got rechecked, negative, without the drama. So it is possible to take a really normal, almost certainly nothing recheck of a screening and freak out about My Cancer Scare to the annoyance of those around you. But any time tests have gotten to the point of a biopsy, or a surgeon telling you actually she’s thinking 75% chance it’s cancer rather than your 10% guess, that certainly qualifies as mentally and emotionally taxing.)

        2. WellRed*

          So stressful! This was me last summer. Now I’m $3000 poorer and still a tad traumatized.

          1. Lucette Kensack*

            Yep! I hot my annual out-of-pocket maximum on January 4 this year. I was looking forward to a year of free health care before the pandemic shut that down too.

    6. Akcipitrokulo*

      It depends on the person! It could mean anything from “had odd symptom/lump – had test and it was fine” to “had aggressive treatment and now in remission”.

      I know people from all along that range. The main messsage that is common is

      * I had/may have had cancer
      * It was frightening
      * I am now OK

      The details of point one can vary wildly – the last two are pretty universal I think.

      1. fposte*

        Yes, I agree. I’ve heard people use it for a mammogram callback, for instance, which I’ve had and didn’t think of in those terms.

    7. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I would interpret it to mean “I had good reason to believe I had cancer but it wasn’t cancer”. I would definitely assume there had been some medical involvement, eg examinations or testing.

      So for example, I had an ovarian cyst (teratoma) which required surgical removal, but pathology revealed it was not cancer. It was in the meantime very scary.

      “I thought I had a new leaky mole but it turned it to be chocolate stuck in my bra” wouldn’t reach ‘cancer scare’ threshold for me even if I’d panicked.

    8. Artemesia*

      Cancer scare means I don’t have cancer to me. They had a bad mammogram and the biopsy was benign (I had one that the doctor told me was very likely cancer that luckily turned out not to be). Or maybe they had a skin cancer that the doctor thought was melanoma but turned out to be a trivial less dangerous skin cancer.

    9. Lucette Kensack*

      Thanks all! I appreciate the input.

      I should have shared the context for my question. I had what I’ve been describing as a cancer scare over the winter, but I’ve noticed that some people who had an easily resolvable cancer refer to their experience as a “cancer scare,’ and I’ve wondered whether I’ve been inadvertently claiming an experience I didn’t have.

      In my case, I found a lump in my neck that my doctors immediately suspected was cancer. I was hospitalized, had a half dozen scans and biopsies, and spent six weeks without a diagnosis. Eventually, I went to the Mayo Clinic and had a neck dissection done to remove the (as yet undiagnosed) mass. It wasn’t cancer and no further treatment was necessary. I have an 8 inch scar from behind my ear to the base of my throat, but I am otherwise totally fine. It was the worst experience of my life, but it ended suddenly and happily, and I still haven’t figured out how to talk about it.

      1. WellRed*

        I had thyroid cancer which was easily removable (well, lost the gland). I had a breast cancer “scare” last summer with first mammogram. Neither was fun, but the first one was definitely real ( though not on the lines of other cancers by any means). I do think that I having already been diagnosed once with cancer contributed to how scary the scare was. After all, cancer had happened once, why not again?

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        As someone who spent shutdown having radiation therapy for cancer treatment, I absolutely think that makes sense to describe as a cancer scare.

        I agree with Akcip as to “it was frightening, but now I am okay” being the main emotion.

      3. LegallyRed*

        I think calling your experience a “cancer scare” is accurate but at the same time may not quite do justice to everything you went through. Having a tumor resected from your neck sounds like a pretty major surgery to me, regardless of whether or not cancer was a possibility. And since for some people their “cancer scare” is resolved with imaging or a needle biopsy, it’s a term that’s going to carry different connotations for different people.

        My only cancer scare turned out to actually be cancer (that I’m still fighting), but either way I had to have a giant mass removed from my abdomen (while pregnant!). Even if it had turned out to be benign, I think I would have framed it as “I had an abdominal tumor” because, for me, “cancer scare” wouldn’t have fully encapsulated the experience that I went through.

        1. Lucette Kensack*

          Hmm, interesting, and thank you.

          I’m realizing through this conversation that there’s not great language for what I experienced. “Tumor” sounds worse than what I had (even though it’s accurate; I had a mass, plus a bunch of lymph nodes, removed). I’d like to find a way to talk about it that honors the trauma but doesn’t overdramatize it.

          1. allathian*

            The doctors suspected cancer, and even though it turned out to be a benign tumor, that’s still a cancer scare, if you were scared/terrified until you got the biopsy results after the surgery.

            Waiting for the result is the scary part in cancer scare. I don’t think there’s any need for you to downplay your experience. Someone who gets cancer and recovers or goes into remission doesn’t just have a cancer scare, they have actual cancer.

            1. allathian*

              I haven’t had this experience, except vicariously. My mom had breast cancer in her early 50s, although they caught it early so she didn’t need a mastectomy or chemotherapy, but she had to take estrogen blockers for a few years. Last year she had to have a part of her lung removed, but luckily it turned out to be a benign tumor. She quit smoking when my son was born, but before that she’d been smoking a pack a day for most of her adult life, so lung cancer was definitely a possibility we were worried about.

      4. Altair*

        That sounds absolutely terrifying, and I’m really glad for you that you came through to the other side. As Legally Red put it, “cancer scare” might be if anything understating what you went through.

    10. Impska*

      I once had an X-ray done if my lungs and the radiologist saw a shadow that they said might be cancer. Hearing a doctor tell you there’s a shadow on your lungs that may be cancer is pretty scary.

      Turns out it was just a poorly done X-ray. Oopsie-doodle, sorry we told you that you may have lung cancer.

  22. Mystery Bookworm*

    Normally I lurk, but I have a bit of a personal question this weekend. A few months ago I started working with a therapist to address some recurring patterns. One of those is working on my ability to handle rejection (I’m perfectly gracious about it, but then I feel deeply ashamed and retreat, so that any rejection is followed by long periods of giving up entirely or feeling very grey or drinking more than is helpful).

    One thing my therapist has stressed is that feeling bad after a rejection is normal, and not a sign that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

    Well, I was rejected from an eduational programme this Friday, and I’m trying to navigate this one a bit better. If anyone is willing to share a time thtey were rejected and felt bad about it (as opposed to immediatetly putting on happy face), I’d be grateful to hear and feel a bit less alone!

    (Apologies if this is a bit of a bummer post. And I’m not talking about any one kind of rejection in particular, just the broader act of putting yourself out there and not being recieved the way you’d hoped)

    1. Kiitemso*

      Hey, at university I had a test I had to pass to get my undergrad degree. I didn’t prepare for it because every one of my teachers said it wasn’t a big deal, so I went in, finished it, felt good and then got the rejection (it was a pass/fail, no letter or number grade). I was shocked, immediately felt like I wasn’t cut out for life or school and was not gonna pass my undergrad. I contacted a teacher, in tears, asking how could this have happened, they put me in touch with a tutor working with the university who scheduled an appointment to walk me through how to *actually* prepare for the test. She was surprised none of my teachers had told me about the specifics of the test. I felt like an idiot but she told me there wasn’t a whole lot wrong with my initial test, I could easily re-do it and get a pass. So next month I did and passed.

      But it really taught me that I was too reliant on not putting in the hard work sometimes and skating by on my own intellect, and that honestly that rejection lead me to being a better, more independently minded student. I used to be really afraid of rejection and avoided romantic encounters simply because of it, but what helped me a lot was applying for jobs furiously, even jobs I didn’t really want. Getting rejections from those didn’t feel so bad, and eventually I got used to rejection being a part of life. Yes, it does sting, but you just move on. I find it good to process it by writing about it or chatting to a good friend about it briefly.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t have a whole lot from a personal level, I’m pretty good at brushing it off, but my husband is super sensitive in the way you describe and his therapist had him looking up “rejection sensitive dysphoria” to help find some coping tips, and he has said that is helpful. (Not diagnosing, just trying to provide a possible search term. Captain Awkward has talked about dealing with RSD too a couple times.)

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        Thank you for sharing! This is interesting, as I have recently been given an appointment for an adhd referral and it seems that rejection sensitive dysphoria is correlated with adhd.

        It does seem to describe some of how I feel, and there are good tips in the google results. Thank you, would never have thought to search for that otherwise!

    3. lazy intellectual*

      It’s okay to be disappointed by a rejection without identifying with it. This is kind of random, but something that makes me feel better about rejection is hearing stories of all my favorite actors who auditioned for an iconic role and got rejected for it before their big break. Clearly, these people didn’t get rejected for it because they suck, but because of a combination of factors outside their control. Rejection is common and happens to everyone.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Also allow yourself to deal with rejection disappointments like you would any heartbreak. Allow yourself to wallow, cry, eat ice cream, and watch movies on your bed. I do discourage drinking though.) Treat yourself to your favorite things and perks if you can. The disappointment is normal and will heal with time.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I think that alcohol and other substances tend to exasperate the intensity of our feelings. This raised intensity can be such that it makes it hard for us to even function.
          I think creating a plan of different options you will use when faced with rejection would be a supportive activity.

      2. Mystery Bookworm*

        It’s okay to be disappointed by a rejection without identifying with it.

        That’s very much what I’m hoping to get better at. I love the suggestion of looking up famous people who’ve been turned down. It’s not necessarily something people talk a lot about proactively and it’s very easy for my. jerk mind to convince myself I’m the only person getting rejected, even though I know that makes no sense.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          You hit the nail on the head – a lot of people don’t usually share or admit when they’re getting rejected, but they certainly do. EVERYONE gets rejected – even people you think are successful and talented. Sometimes, the rejection makes you a stronger person in the long run.

    4. Hi there*

      Lately I’ve been finding Brad Stulberg’s writings really helpful. He co-authored a book called The Passion Paradox, among other writings. One point I like to return to is a 24-48 hour rule for dwelling on a success or a failure and then returning to the work. The idea is to focus on the work and why you care about it, not some number, result, or reaction people have. I also appreciate that I don’t have to put on a happy face but just figure out how to stay true to myself.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        I’ll have to look him up. I like the idea of a contained time to give yourself permission to feel sad.

    5. No Name Yet*

      Two incidents jump out at me, though I know there have been plenty more.

      1. When I applied to graduate school, I applied to a whole bunch of programs (very competitive field), I got interviews at half of them, and was then rejected by all but one. On the one hand – all you need is one acceptance, I should be happy! And after a while I was happy and it was a good program, but I had expected to have at least some level of choice, and was pretty upset.

      2. In my field, you need several years of practical training after you graduate in order to work in the field. For the second year I applied to about 10 programs, and was rejected by all of them. That HURT, and also made me incredibly anxious about whether I had spent all of that time/energy/money for years and wouldn’t actually be able to use my degree. I don’t even remember how long I spent being upset and worried. There is basically a second round for people and programs who didn’t match up in the first round, so I did that process and found a position then. Not a place that was my first choice, but it ended up being a positive experience and I was able to successfully work in the field after that. The other upside is that since then I’ve known other people who had the same experience of being rejected at that stage, and I was able to offer them support that it can turn out all right.

      Managing rejection is absolutely hard! And good for you for working with a therapist on this, since often talking about it can be even harder than the experience itself.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        Thank you so much for sharing those stories, I really appreciate it. My rejection is also related to my hopes of succeeding within my field. I know that there will be other opportunities, but sometimes sadness gives a bit of tunnel vision.

        1. No Name Yet*

          Tunnel vision = absolutely! And I think because so many of us put so much stock into what field we want to go into, that those rejections can feel particularly devastating. We put so much time and effort into that conceptualization of who we are and who we want to be, those rejections can feel like rejections of us as a person, vs. someone else had more relevant experience or a higher GPA/test score. I’m glad that hearing these stories felt helpful – you mentioned above that we don’t usually talk about these rejections later, which can make it feel like it’s just us even when we know it’s not (a program with a 50% acceptance rate will be rejecting lots of people besides us!)

    6. Aeryn Sun*

      I have found that mindfulness helps me a lot – highly recommend “Full Catastrophe Living” by John Kabat-Zinn. It’s sort of acknowledging, “yes this sucks” but then letting it go. I like the suggestion about taking some time 24/48 hours to feel it and then move on. Also, with rejection in particular, my father told me 30 years ago when I was applying to colleges/scholarships that even if you don’t get it, you are no worse off than you were before you applied. You are still the same person and the rejection isn’t a reflection of your value as a person – it just wasn’t the right fit. Often for me, rejection also taps into the “what I am going to do now?” so I try to have backup plans (most recent example, I got furloughed due to Covid. I’m applying to jobs but also have reached out to contacts and have gotten some contracting work so each rejection stings less because I know what other options are/what other paths might look like).

    7. KoiFeeder*

      I got rejected from my first choice of grad school in a way that felt pretty unkind (the message had indicated that this was a get-together for accepted students, and it turned out that that was not actually the case, and then they never actually refunded the travel expenses as promised).

      I’m still a little bitter… but the fact that I’m in a great program now and the college I ended up going with knocked it out of the park with regards to COVID and the other one didn’t is a helpful bit of schadenfreude.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        That sounds awful. A friend of mine had a similar experience where a grad school was a bit confusing about the funding — leading her to accept thinking she was fully funded.

        My recent rejection involve a phone call, which I am confident was meant kindly, but then I was prompted into a fairly lengthly small-talk / weekend plan conversation when I would rather have gotten off so I could process the news.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          That the school I’m in now communicates clearly was an integral factor to me joining the program. I’m already autistic, I don’t need more trouble in that area.

    8. left foot first*

      Look up Jason Comely. he might have a book, but I’ve heard him on a podcast. He challenged himself to getting rejected everyday. Which kind of turns the whole thing on its head: it principle you should be sad for getting rejected, but if that’s your goal, you’re happy.

    9. Deanna Troi*

      I always wanted to work for the federal government. I worked for a non-profit, state government, and private industry (where I was extremely successful and worked my way up to associate VP level), but it was always my dream to get a job at the federal government. I applied to 5 different federal jobs over a 10 year period. Every time I didn’t get a position, I was incredibly disappointed and discouraged. I finally got the 5th one and have now been there for over a decade. It feels like I was born to be in this position and I am considered to be a nationwide expert, traveling all over the country to provide training (not right now of course). My point is that I retreated and licked my wounds over and over, then get back out there. If we’re lucky, our lives and careers will be long and eventful, and the road to where you want to be will have unexpected turns and setbacks. I know it sounds cliché, but it is worth the journey.

    10. Cedrus Libani*

      I’m a big fan of Steven Pressfield’s “The War of Art” series. He’s a writer, so he writes about writing – but the same principles apply to any work that requires personal investment. Obviously, writers get rejected, rather a lot, and part of “turning pro” is learning how to fail while doing something personal to yourself without taking that to heart as the failure of yourself as a person.

      One thing he talks about is the locus of identity. You need to identify with the self that does the work – your higher consciousness. Imagine that higher self as a musician. All of your other traits – your physical and mental talents – are the instrument. Your job is to assess what you’ve got and learn how to use it to its best possible advantage.

      As Pressfield puts it: “Does Madonna walk around the house in cone bras… [No.] Madonna does not identify with ‘Madonna’. Madonna EMPLOYS ‘Madonna’.” She’s the musician, not the instrument. When one of her songs (literal in this case) falls flat, she can learn and adjust. She’s a pro, and she knows to stay out of her own way.

      On an adjacent point, as my dad put it: “Get up, give it hell, and if that’s not good enough…f*** it! When you leave it all on the field, win or lose, you did everything you could. You don’t have to wonder what might’ve been.”

      If you want to know if you’ve earned the right to be proud of yourself, look at your process. Have you given it hell? Have you been practicing your tail off? Have you chosen a genre that suits your instrument? If so, good job. Now it’s time to f*** it, because the rest is outside your control. Win or lose, hit or flop, it’s up to the universe. You have thousands of songs inside you. Play a better one tomorrow.

    11. chi chan*

      I got rejected from a lot of jobs at one point that I was hoping would support me in moving out of my parents’ home. It was crushing and made me question the validity of my work. Honestly the only thing that helped was success in small achievable goals to get momentum going again. Also therapy. I moved out too into a sucky flatmate situation but I accepted that I was making progress and refused to feel sorry for myself.

  23. Myrin*

    I need some advice on how to move forward as well as a reality check because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.

    Some background first: Ten years ago, I randomly found a tumblr blog which introduced me to feminism – I was blown away that these feelings and thoughts I’d always had actually had a well-established, structured, and even academic side, and I began reading the blog daily and with great enthusiasm. It was run by a young woman a couple of years my senior who mostly did advocacy work (both IRL and online); the biggest and most successful part of her blog was answering questions and giving advice, especially regarding relationships and women’s self-worth, a bit like a light version of Captain Awkward.

    I started sending in a few questions of my own and we got to talking frequently and eventually, she became my very first non-German internet friend. We weren’t suuuuper close – we only ever talked through tumblr and didn’t have each other’s contact information – but we talked regularly and about all manner of things, and over the years helped each other through some tough shit.

    She was an actress by trade but had a bad accident shortly before we met which made her very limited in movement and work; she was also in an abusive relationship at the time. A few years down the line, her health became better, she managed to leave her boyfriend, and she starting getting some small acting gigs again. I was really happy for this development but it also led to us hearing less and less from each other until she basically didn’t use her blog at all anymore and was rarely online. I was fine with that, albeit a bit sad, and when we fell out of contact altogether about two years ago, I wished her well in my thoughts and moved on.

    Now on to the current situation: Out of the blue, she sent me a message on tumblr last Saturday asking for my email address “so I’d have a larger space to write and think and converse more than 3 sentences with you”. I very happily gave it to her, thinking we’d be able to catch up on how our lives had been going the last couple of years. So imagine my surprise when I received her email which, after three introductory sentences, went the following (this is copied verbatim):

    ANYWAY, I am trying to start up a business – membership site surround self care tool and lifestyle to help maintain women’s emotional health and general wellbeing. I want it to be a community feel loo, like my blog was, but I was more. I’m hoping to make money know so I can use that money to helps others and other causes. I’m also going back and forth between doing a subscription box – still working on logistics there ha. Also 1-on-1 coaching, maybe. Lots of decisions gah! Hopefully I haven’t bored you to sleep yet haha. <3
    ANYWHO I know how we developed a relationship through my blog and I treasure that very much. :) I was hoping because of that you might be able to do a testimonial, talking about me “coaching” you and brining young women together in to build a safe and warm, supporting community. Also, I am hoping to add: Name, photo (like mostly headshot for this) of you, City in Germany, job (you can put whatever makes you comfortable, former job, job you have now, or one you want in the future). Oh another thing for the testimonial if you can think of a specific story you can remember that would be great.
    I’m hoping this is not totally overwhelming but if it is just let me know what to clarify or answer to make more sense. I kinda ended up having to turn this up a notch in speed so I can launch much sooner rather than later because I am going to be having some [surgery related to the accident mentioned above]

    And I… honestly don’t know how to feel about any of that. I was so looking forward to establishing contact again but this whole thing read to me like she basically just wants me to help her out with her business. She sent me this whole thing and then another three sentences, one of them being “I also want to know how and what you’ve been doing” and I just… I thought that’s what that email would be about – us talking about how we’d been doing and stuff like that but honestly, after receiving this email, I lost all enthusiasm to talk to her about my life these past few years.

    Don’t get me wrong, this business idea of hers was already an idea she had when we were still in contact regularly, and I don’t doubt in the slightest that she’s sincere and will probably be quite successful; I’m also positive that she will indeed use any money she receives to help her community and that she’s earnest about wanting to help people. I’m also sure that if I till her that I’m not comfortable doing any of what she’s asked me to do (other than maybe writing about encountering her blog), she will be understanding and not pressure me; I will also definitely tell her that, but I’m on the fence about writing how uncomfortable this whole email made me. I’m sure she wouldn’t take it badly and we’ve always been honest with each other but I don’t know if I should just leave out entirely how sad it made me that she contacted me after literal years in such a way and just focus on not wanting to give my personal information like that without mentioning my discomfort at all.

    So what say you, people of AAM? Should I be completely honest or just answer vaguely? She wrote me on tumblr again yesterday wondering if I’d gotten her email and I replied that I’ll be busy until Tuesday because I’m honestly at a loss. Am I overreacting? She’s an extremely kind, empathetic, and just plain lovely person, so I was honestly a bit shocked by such a business-focused email and it being mainly about how I can be useful to her, but maybe I’m reading too much into this entirely?

    1. Kiitemso*

      I can understand why this made you uncomfortable. I also have online friends going back a decade who I have shared some of myself with, even though we are still ‘casual’ friends. It’s easy to share online! Now she is reframing those conversations as her “coaching” you and that’s not what those conversations were – they were between friends. Me and a colleague of mine do “whine and wine” evenings together sometime, I’d be weirded out if she framed those to me as “career-focused therapy” because that’s not what they were, even though they were indepth conversations about careers and work.

      I would reply back that you wish her the best with her business venture but don’t feel comfortable with the framing of private, friendly conversations as ‘coaching’. Or if you don’t even want to say that, you can say “I don’t think we’ve ever done coaching together so I don’t think I can write a testimonial for you.” If she insists you have been coached by her, or asks if you would want coaching, you can say, “I would prefer to catch up as friends.” or something along those lines.

      1. Myrin*

        These are amazing scripts!
        I have to admit I didn’t even really pick up on the “coaching” angle of all of this because I was so flabbergasted by the sales-y tone of her entire email and her assumption that after years of basically no contact, I’d use my free time to write a testimonial for her about something that was relevant, at most and if at all, eight years ago.
        Thanks for your reply, I’ll definitely use the wording you suggested!

        1. Anonnington*

          And just to help draw the line, “coaching,” would involve signing up for an established service. It would involve paying a for-profit business or applying for services at an established non-profit.

          It would be fair to say something like, “I was never a coaching client. Maybe my name wound up on the wrong list by mistake.”

    2. WS*

      Ugh, I’m sorry, that’s the good old “let’s catch up, oh BTW buy stuff from my MLM”. One reason why I got off Facebook. A plain “Good luck but no thank you,” is enough, and if she persists then you can point out how gross this is.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Trust your instincts! You don’t have to give her any of that info just because she asked. Wish her well, and move on. Sorry, this sucks!

    4. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      You feel like it’s about being useful to her because… it pretty clearly is? I think your instincts are spot-on.
      Also came to point out that listing a job on a testimonial that “can be just a job you one day hope to have” is v much not above board. I mean, combined with retroactively turning your online friendship into “coaching”, it seems like a pretty clear indication that however pure her intentions, she seems to be a-okay misleading people.

      1. Myrin*

        Yeah, that jumped out as strange at me, too. Although I’m honestly not even sure how exactly I have to imagine this business of hers – it seems like a website where you have to pay to get access to it, like the online magazines Alison writes for? I have no idea about any of this at all, though, so above everything else, I might also be totally wrong with how this would look like in the concrete sense. I guess I didn’t put too much weight on the “job you’d like to have in the future” because if the site’s general tone is a casual, friendly, and personal one, I could maybe see something like “Myrin, 29 and based in Munich, hopes to become a chicken’s hairdresser in the next few years” (none of this but my age are true btw) but IDK, that seems at the same time too casual and too irrelevant if she really does intend for this to be a serious business.

        1. Zweisatz*

          Another issue that comes to mind is that at this point you don’t know what you’re lending your voice to. If ALDI or McDonalds or Zwergenwiese asks you for a testimonial you have an idea of the company and what they do.
          With this “opportunity” you have no way of knowing if you’re lending your voice to a legitimate new business, a scam or a grand idea that will never take off. I would feel uncomfortable as well to take that chance.

    5. Mystery Bookworm*

      Oh, this is so hard. I understand the disappointment of feeling like someone wanted to connect on a personal level and then discovering that they had other motivations (even if those weren’t their only motivations).

      Personally, I think there’s a bit of freedom in being willing to state plainly your feelings. It’s vulnerable and uncomfortable (for me, at least) but I rarely regret it.

      And your feelings are your feelings. I don’t think you need to analyze and figure out the degree of “inappropriateness” this was to have the reaction you did. (Although I 100% understand that impulse).

      1. Vina*

        I think there is some subset of people who do personal or career coaching that do this. I’ve seen it over and over and heard it from my friends.

        I had an acquaintance who wanted to start a life coaching business who wanted me to be a “test client.” Mind you, I was already over 40 and a successful lawyer, good marriage, lots of hobbies and as content as one can manage. I looked her dead int he eye and asked “just what area of my life do you feel I’m deficient in handling on my own?” She never asked again.

        It’s not that I’m opposed to this type of help. It’s not that I think people who are “put together” couldn’t benefit from an outside POV. It’s not that I think I’m above that. It was the sheer arrogance of her presuming that somehow she knew more about my life than I did and she was foisting advice on me when I hadn’t asked and we weren’t friends or intimate emotionally in any way.

        I realized that it was all about her. What she wanted and needed. She wasn’t looking at me as a person, but as a tool to serve her wants. That makes her a bad coach, IMHO.

        I think he fact this friend is taking this approach with you means she’s exactly the wrong kind of person to be doing this type of job.

        I agree with Mystery – you need to state clearly that she hasn’t coached you, you never asked for it, and it would be misleading for you to state that this occurred. I’d also say something about the ethical implications. That’s just me.

        1. Artemesia*

          I am always just dubious about all of this as the few people I have known personally who have launched this type of business either career coaching or personal coaching have themselves been a total mess. They are doing career coaching because they have no career. They took a seminar on some gimmick and then want to use that as part of personal coaching.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Yeah, she wanted you for a “test client” because you’d make her look good, and hopefully introduce her to people with money to spend.

          Thing about life coaching is, you have to have clients who have disposable income, a stable enough lifestyle that they’ll keep coming for a long series of sessions, and problems that don’t require an actual licensed counselor.

          Convincing those folks that they need your advice takes some serious credibility.

    6. Anonnington*

      That’s really yucky. Honestly, I wouldn’t respond. Maybe this is a phase, but she’s currently devaluing people and trying to use them as stepping stones to promote her business. Don’t get stepped on.

      The thing about writing back is that anything you say could be published or just used to argue with you via email. And digital arguments are rarely productive.

      I would just appreciate the past friendship, and hope that she’ll eventually come to her senses and be nicer again.

      Also, this is something that happens – when people become more successful, especially if it’s sudden, they can go through a phase where they feel superior and they devalue other people in their lives. Sometimes, it has to do with moving to a different social circle, having friends who are famous, semi-famous, highly successful at what they do. Or maybe she just got bad advice about how to grow a business.

      I would also unfollow her online if that’s an option. Disengage while making it clear that you don’t support this.

      1. AGD*

        Agreed. This sounds like ‘we were friends so now I get to exploit you!’, and that makes me want to run in the other direction.

      2. Anonnington*

        Update:

        When I first read this, I kind of skimmed and I thought the email was a form letter she had sent to numerous people, and that she had just added a few lines for Myrin. Re-reading it, it sounds like it was personally written for Myrin.

        So I think I over-reacted a bit. But it also makes the “coaching” thing sound yucky in a different way. I guess my advice is the same – I’d read it as, “This person doesn’t respect me,” and I’d archive/unfollow, etc. But it’s weird – it’s like she wanted to reach out and genuinely wants advice and help with her business, but she’s also really misguided about some very basic things.

    7. Purt’s Peas*

      Every so often we’re forced to recontextualize a relationship or memory. Sometimes in a pleasant way—“oh, we were flirting and I like you too!” “I thought we were acquaintances but you value my friendship!”—but sometimes…not. I think this was probably a jarring email to receive and you’re trying to recontextualize your friendship.

      I don’t think you’re overreacting. I don’t think you need to write her a testimonial. If you wanted, it’d probably be within bounds to mention some of the dissonance you’re feeling.

      1. Reba*

        “forced to recontextualize a relationship or memory”

        oooh yeah, well put.

        I think I would feel pretty sad if I received that message! I don’t think it’s like, horribly exploitative for her to ask, but definitely transactional, and certainly not tactful.

        I’m not sure how I’d react in Myrin’s shoes. If I were feeling especially generous, mainly because she has struggled, I might write more or less “So and So’s blog meant so much to me on my journey to become a chicken stylist.” And then write off the relationship. But disengaging with, “I’m not comfortable doing this, best wishes” is also totally good.

        1. Anonnington*

          I actually get emails like that on a fairly routine basis – a few times per year. I perform, I meet a lot of people, and you see a lot of weird power trips and delusions of grandeur among some people in that sphere (mostly those who are less experienced or just misguided about how things work).

          Sometimes, it’s REALLY not who you would expect. They seem so nice, and then they reach out with a creepy back-handed compliment coupled with a dubious marketing ploy. I’ve learned to just unfriend/unfollow, and not respond directly. Sometimes, I take a screenshot so I can use it as an example of what not to do (maybe with their name removed, or maybe not, depending on the circumstances).

          The thing is, there is often a lot of prejudice underlying this kind of behavior. And you can’t tolerate that.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        This is a great comment here. You want a friendship and she wants to launch her biz, OP.

        I am guessing that you want no part of the biz. I don’t blame you there, I would not be too thrilled. I might be tempted to email: “Hi Friend, So I got your email and after careful consideration I have concluded that I can’t help you. I did enjoy our chats and if you ever want to chat a bit let me know. We sure did have fun, didn’t we? I wish you much success with your new endeavors.”

        She’ll ask other people the same thing, no worries. Some one will help her and it does not have to be you.

    8. Courageous cat*

      I don’t think you’re overreacting but I do think you’re overthinking. A well-placed version of “nah, since I haven’t heard from you in ages this feels off/tone-deaf/etc, I would have rather caught up but I’m good now”

    9. pancakes*

      I can’t get my head around the idea of someone who’s been in an abusive relationship thinking it’s a good idea for women to post their photo, name, and location on the internet. It’s entirely unnecessary to give so much personal identification to write a supportive blurb. It’s not as if someone specifying their location makes a statement of support from them more credible. I would be very wary about this scenario.

      1. Misty*

        Same.

        I never give out my photo or location for public online spaces if I can help it. Like I’m sure there’s some photos of me in group pictures on friends Facebook but I dont have any social media and I would be cautious of giving someone permission to use my photo on their website.

      3. Myrin*

        See, I’m of two minds regarding this (and this really only pertains to my own personal comfort, not what I think anyone else should do): right at this moment, there isn’t anything about me on the internet because other than tumblr, I don’t have any social media because I’m not interested in it. However, the job I’ll hopefully (fingers crossed!) get in October would, because of its nature, have my picture and full name out there (as well as my general location because it’s actually related to that) and I don’t mind that at all. What I absolutely DON’T want is having my real name and my internet persona cross streams in any way, and I think that’s what’s bothered me most about this aspect of it – to her, I’m Myrin, and I’ve only ever interacted with her as my “Myrin self” (although we do know each other’s real names) and now she wants me to behave like we’ve dealt with each other professionally and in real life. Does not compute.

        1. pancakes*

          I think it reflects very poor judgment on her part, regardless of whether the same information is available elsewhere on the internet. It would put people at risk without making the testimonials she’s seeking any more credible.

    10. RagingADHD*

      I can’t tell if you’re overreacting. Unless you were always more of a fan than a friend, your reaction seems reasonable. Some people might not be phased by this, others would. Neither way is wrong.

      I think your level of honesty should be governed by how much you want the friendship back.

      It seems to me that if you are vague, the friendship won’t really ever rekindle, because you are holding her at arm’s length. It will limit your communication and closeness overall, and downgrade the friendship to an acquaintanceship.

      That’s a perfectly valid and justified choice, if that’s what you want.

      If you are honest and thoughtful in how you express your feelings, it can go one way or the other. She could be offended, hurt, or guilty and back away. Or she could respond in a way that pursues a better friendship.

      Do you feel like it’s worth the risk? Then be honest.

      Do you just not want to get into it, or can’t deal with more emotional messiness right now? Or feel so hurt that you don’t see a future for the friendship? Then be polite and vague, and let it drop.

      There’s no right or wrong answer.

      1. Tau*

        I was about to respond but this sums it up even better! Agreed: if you never address it, that is it for the friendship. Whenever you talk, you’ll have to wonder what her motivations are. That’s poison for a relationship. Being honest has the chance of salvaging it – or, of course, of burning the bridge completely. But the latter would be a clean break. (It would also do your friend the favour of letting her know how badly she’s coming off – but, of course, you’re not obliged to do her any favours here.)

        Ugh. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, Myrin. What a shitty thing to do. :(

    11. LGC*

      This is one of the times where I don’t think you’re overreacting. (Not you particularly, I mean – OPs in general.)

      It sounds like you’re hurt by this, but you still value the friendship. So I’d be honest – that you were glad to hear from her, but also that you found her attempt to profit off your friendship hurtful. Honestly, maybe I’m less bothered by the privacy aspect because I’m American (or maybe you feel the same way and just phrased it differently), but the way she cast your friendship as a mentoring relationship is kind of a slap in the face – it reads like she thought you were broken and a project for her to fix.

      And yes, it does sound very much like an MLM pitch. If there are other clues that show she’s in multilevel marketing, definitely feel free to close the door on her.

    12. allathian*

      Sounds like she’s trying to use your (former?) friendship to promote her business.
      You were online friends and a bit more than just casual online friends, since you shared contact details and she knows your name.

      She won’t know how uncomfortable this email made you unless you tell her. If you really value the friendship you had, I’d err on the side of honesty. Tell her you can’t help her and that you’re not comfortable with linking your real name and online identity and location. As an abuse victim/survivor, she should understand, even if you don’t have any abuse in your background. If she keeps pushing you, you may have to consider disengaging from her completely.

  24. aarti*

    About three years ago I stopped taking hormonal birth control. My periods stabilized to about a 25 day average cycle. About nine months after I stopped the BC, my period was three weeks late. I took a few negative home pregnancy tests then ultimately saw a doctor who confirmed it. Not pregnant. I know a lot of things can affect your cycle but I wasn’t traveling, sick or particularly stressed then. After that it went back to a normal cycle until now. Currently my period is over two weeks late. Same deal, negative home pregnancy test, no other symptoms, no travel, illness, etc.

    Has anyone ever experienced this? Can give me an idea of what’s going on or something to look into? TIA.

    1. Not Australian*

      You don’t mention your age, but is there any possibility it’s early menopause? I know some women have had that in their 20s and been unable to conceive as a result. IANAD, but I’d be looking into that myself.

      1. aarti*

        I’m 31 and that never occurred to me! Thanks and going on the list of things to ask the doctor.

      2. Vina*

        Late periods mean she didn’t ovulate on time. It could be perimenopause, stress, or any number of things.

        Unless this becomes a consistent pattern, I wouldn’t freak out too much.

        As someone over 50, I had plenty of late periods in my time. I’m still not yet truly perimenopausal (unfortunately). Ugh.

        We do such a bad job in the US talking about these things.

        1. aarti*

          That’s true! I’m not in the US but my country does an arguably even worse job of talking about these things. I actually come from a family of very fertile women, a number of whom had late in life pregnancies (late 30s, early 40s) so loss of fertility is less of a worry for me than other things.

          It’s probably just a random late period but I am SO regular in my cycles normally, that I’m confused by why this is happening.

    2. WS*

      Generally, whenever something changes about your period it’s worth checking in with the doctor – it’s very unlikely to be anything serious (most people skip a period occasionally), but the few serious things it could be should be caught early.

      1. AGD*

        I have PCOS and it seems to be a pretty mild case but my cycle is completely unpredictable.

        1. WS*

          Yeah, I have PCOS as well and have never had a regular period in my life! But that’s “normal” for me, so the advice the gynaecologist gave me was to go back if anything changes.

      1. Cat*

        Highly unlikely to be PCOS if it’s happened twice in two years. Many many women in their 30s have fibroids but usually they’re not an issue unless they’re causing pain or very heavy periods. I wouldn’t borrow trouble by looking for them because of this at this point.

    4. Cambridge Comma*

      My cycle got a lot longer during lockdown and I’ve read about it happening to others to.

      2. Vina*

        Stress interrupts ovulation/egg release. It’s so not at all concerning to me.

        Unless it’s a pattern over a longer period of time. Then, yes, get it checked out.

        1. Cambridge Comma*

          Oh, I’m not stressed at all, rather I suspect it’s the lack of interaction with other people.

          1. Vina*

            Well, it may also be the rarer – not having sex so body doesn’t see the point – trigger.

            There’s increasing research that women who aren’t having regular sex or self-pleasure go through menopause before those that are doing one or the other.

            Somehow the body thinks “you aren’t using these, so let’s stop.”

            So, yeah, in your case, might be that.

            I hope it’s not distressing/a problem for you.

            1. aarti*

              I’m actually having sex during lockdown, so not that for me!

              I’m personally not stressed about this, it’s just strange and I’m trying to find how common this is and if there is any reason to be worried. Generally I liked to know what my body is doing and why!

      3. Quoth the Raven*

        This is my case, too. My cycles have always been all over the place, but regular within their irregularity, so to speak (never shorter or longer than a given number of days) except for the last one, which was two months long (and the longest it’s ever been).

        I did go to the gynecologist about it (there was no chance I was pregnant, but it still scared me a lot) and was told that they’re getting a lot of calls and visits from people who are going through the same ever since lockdown started. I’ve done some reading online and I’ve found a lot of others who are going through it.

    5. mreasy*

      When I stopped taking hormonal birth control the first time, my period was over 60 days late, and took a long time to regularize. My doc said that it was unusual but my body was adjusting to the change in hormones and nothing to worry about.

      1. mreasy*

        Reading comprehension fail, I missed the “three years” since bcp. If you’re mid thirties to mid forties, it could be perimenopause, the delightful pre-menopause time of life nobody tells you about ahead of time. My cycle has always been super sensitive to anything in the environment – could it be the low-level stress we’re all under due to the pandemic? Worth going to your gynecologist but it could just be the weirdness of bodies as time goes on!

    6. Morning reader*

      Before the hormonal birth control, were your periods regular? If not, maybe they’ve just got back to the intermittent cycle. 25 days is pretty fast, and 3 weeks late could be just skipping one. (mine used to be anywhere from 3 1/2 weeks to 7 weeks and I’d routinely get a pregnancy test when it hit 42 days, just to be sure.) sometimes I’d skip one and my roommate would get hers instead (or so it seemed at the time.)

      1. aarti*

        I’m one of those ladies who was put on hormonal BC when I was 16 and never got off it until 3 years ago. So actually I have no idea! A skipped cycle seems most likely because I also get cramps, acne, some mood swings around my period regularly and both last time and this time I didn’t get any of those.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Any chance you’ve started ongoing strenuous workouts due to self-isolation? Extreme athletes will see cycles reduce or stop.

      2. Mandy*

        Yes, I think losing a lot of weight can cause something like this too. A combination of eating out less, not having as many snacks/alcohol to leave room in our less frequent shop for essentials, and more time for exercise has caused a big weight drop for me. If you’re low on body fat, you won’t cycle, I think the theory is something along the lines of if there is a famine a pregnancy would be unlikely to succeed so your body pauses.

    8. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      This happened to me last year and this year; my period was 2-3 weeks late each time. This year I went to the doctor and got it checked out. Got my thyroid checked, other blood tests, etc—nothing wrong. The nurse-practitioner asked, “Are you stressed?” I did not feel consciously stressed, so I said no. But, after my period came the very next day, I put it together that I actually was stressed. Every year my husband goes away for a long weekend with his friends, leaving me solo with our toddler. The late periods matched the run-up to the trip exactly. I always have a friend come stay with me, but even with that in place I still feel overwhelmed about being the “on” parent 24/7.

      I will take you at your word that you’re not stressed. Just because I was stealth-stressed doesn’t mean you are, but I wanted to throw this in in case it’s helpful, and because late periods are maddening af.

      1. aarti*

        Yes, it sounds like we’re experiencing similar things!

        It’s possible I’m stressed in some ways that I don’t realise. Given that I have literally no other symptoms that could point to other causes, stress seems like the most likely cause.

        1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

          I saw your comment upthread about coming from a family of women who were fertile into their 40s. Same here. My cycles are normally very regular, and the nurse-practitioner saying “You have irregular periods” was actually infuriating. I was there because this was a real aberration; she was looking at that same info and concluding I had irregular periods. Logically I could see her reasoning, but it was a real emotional disconnect. And she ended up being wrong. But so was I. I don’t think I wanted myself to feel stressed because I wanted my husband to get time with his friends. And I didn’t want to say don’t go. But my feelings about it were actually quite strong under the surface.

    9. blackcat*

      Where are you and is the any chance you’ve had COVID?

      My cycle has been super wonky since getting COVID back in late March. One really short cycle (18 days) and now one really long one (35). Also not pregnant. My conversation with my midwife suggests that I’m far from the only one with this as a long term side effect (I’m in an area where cases peaked in April).

      1. aarti*

        I don’t think I’ve had COVID, but your message reminds me that when I had dengue last year it did shorten my cycle. I’m definitely in a place where COVID is a possibility.

    10. Myrin*

      I don’t want to sound cavalier but I don’t think two late periods in three years are a cause for concern, even if you’re usually very regular.
      I totally get wanting to understand what’s causing one’s body to react a certain way – heck, I have tinnitus which in itself seems to be a weird medical mystery, and I’ve had a permanently burning tongue for about a year now which I saw five or six very different doctors for and everyone was stunned which is so unsatisfying – but I think sometimes we just have to accept that things and bodies happen in mysterious ways (in fact, that’s what the neurologist I saw in that regard told me, and she seemed hilariously exasperated by that, too).
      My cycle has, basically since I got my period and with few exceptions where I could usually pinpoint the culprit, been 31 days but three months ago, I got intermenstrual bleeding for the first time in my life without any comprehensible reason. It didn’t happen again the two times after it so I think I just have to begrudgingly accept it as a Weird Body Thing, which it sounds like might be the case for you, too.

      1. Cat*

        Yes agreed. From experience, most gynecologists will say something like “come back if you haven’t gotten your period back in another two months.” Sometimes our body just changes things up.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Agreed.

        Two irregular periods in three years is not a cause for concern, as long as you did a pg test.

        The only thing it means is that your body is not a machine and can’t read a calendar.

        I think the prevalence of hormonal bc (while awesome in many ways) gives completely distorted and unrealistic expectations of what the real range of normal is.

    11. Artemesia*

      Before my first child was born I was totally random like this — I guess the fact that you were regular before does give you pause and checking it off is good.

    12. Jules the 3rd*

      Have them check thyroid levels, especially if you’re losing weight or seeing changes to your hair.

      I am hypo thyroid (body doesn’t make enough), but the regular prescription is just a little bit high (hyper thyroid), which can make my hair fall out a little and can make me skip periods. I’ve heard other people talk about hair getting dry.

    13. HBJ*

      I don’t think there’s anything to look into. You have regular periods with two weird ones in a three-year timeframe. That seems pretty normal to me.

    14. left foot first*

      that regularly happens to me when I up my exercise a little, or eat healthy for a while. I’m not under-eating or anything, just more salad focused. think, start of summer, go walking more places.

    15. JustEm*

      Unless it becomes a pattern, that is really normal! Even women who are normally super regular will occasionally ovulate late or not ovulate one month. Twice in 3 years is nothing to worry about. If it becomes more frequent that you are having irregularities, then your doctor will want to look into other causes.

    16. Zweisatz*

      I seem to have one cycle per summer that’s weird. No reason. In my case the length differs about 6 days to the usual length. Other big jumps are only with huge stress or illness for me.

  25. Helvetica*

    Has anyone had experience being told that they’ve been a role model of sorts for someone, without having thought of it before?
    I recently had a friend tell me that I’m the reason they started thinking about feminism and related topics and start a journey on that. And it was apparently because when we were in high school – like 16, 17 in my country – I was the first person she heard say that they’re a feminist in a very matter of fact way. I do not remember this at all, but it did make me think of the influence we have on other people, inadvertently. It’s a good feeling to hear something like that but then you think wow, I had this impact 15 years ago and I had no idea.

    1. 2QS*

      I went to a really, really stuck-up and traditional private school. There was a lot of messed-up gender role stuff. No one said a word about women’s or LGBTQ issues for four years. Except for one classmate, who was open about being bi and a feminist and just by existing caused me to rethink some earlier assumptions (she was into super femme stuff and also one of the smartest people I’d ever met). I had a lot of learning/unlearning to do after many years in that kind of environment, and she unwittingly opened the door for me. We lost touch, but yeah – exactly the opposite of your experience.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve had several friends over the years tell me they look up to me because I’m “the stable one” and seem to “have it together.” To be honest, I don’t like when they say that. It makes me feel like I can’t talk about my problems with them. I’m not worried they’ll suddenly think I’m a mess or something, just that maybe they think my problems aren’t as important as theirs. I don’t know quite how to explain it.

    3. Jack be Nimble*

      Years and years ago, I was fairly active on Tumblr and the title of my blog was something goofy about being gay — the internet was my only outlet for my sexuality at the time, I wasn’t out to family or even most friends. At some point, I got an anonymous message from someone that said I’d inspired them to come out, because I seemed so happy and confident in my sexuality, and they particularly said my silly blog title made them smile and feel good about being gay. It was really sweet but also made me feel so strange — I wasn’t out at all, but my confidence on my blog inspired someone else?

      It was a messy and painful period of my life for a lot of reasons, but now I’m so much happier, confident, and proud than I was back then. I think about that anonymous person every now and again, and I hope they’re doing well!

    4. blaise zamboni*

      Sort of a dark example, CW: abuse.

      My best friend’s sister heard my struggles with confronting my abuser (and the ensuing sh!tshow) at a pool party when we were 13. Five years later when she confronted her own abuser, she said she had wanted to do that since the party and subsequently seeing that I had gotten through it. I wish she had said something earlier, even just privately to us as friends, but I feel really grateful that she was inspired to speak up at all.

      Similarly, I was very outspoken about my abuse experiences in college, and close to a dozen women privately approached me to share “skeezy” experiences they’d had but were afraid to name as assault. Some of them had never shared the story with anyone in their life, and later told me how meaningful it was for them to feel validated even if it went nowhere else.

      Not the most upbeat part of my life, but it really helped cement that I want to be the person that 12-year-old-me needed! That has pushed me to be much more vocal and compassionate than I probably would’ve been otherwise, and not just about abuse.

    5. Overeducated*

      My husband says I was a big influence in his learning about feminism and other social justice issues. I kind of think he would have learned the same stuff from the internet eventually anyway, but it’s nice that he thinks so.

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      Years ago, I went to China to teach at a STEM camp for high schoolers. At the end, one of the students privately thanked me for being a great role model. Women in STEM, right? Nope. She was maybe 5’10”, which is tall for a teenage girl in southern China, but I’m 6″. She’d never seen a woman taller than her before. Apparently the way I stomped around and unapologetically took up space was inspiring.

      I totally hadn’t thought about it, and was gobsmacked. The experience did make me more conscious of the energy I put out in my everyday life. You never know when (or why) you might be the person somebody needs.

  26. Also sober*

    I usually post under a different name but want to keep it anonymous for this.
    Have any of you (afab) women dated a (amab) man with a colostomy bag?
    Have you had any problems with sexual activity?
    Any other issues?

    1. TempOstomate*

      I’ve been the ostomate, so I can’t quite answer your questions, but I did want to comment so you get some info. Do you know if you are the first partner since he got his ostomy bag? If you aren’t, than I think you can assume that everything is working well and he’s figured out any necessary workarounds (some positions work better than others). The bigger issue might simply be your ease with being intimate with his body. (To be honest, some partners and even some ostomates never really feel at ease, and a lot of relationships suffer when a person is first learning to live with an ostomy.)
      If it helps, there are products available to keep the bag close to the body, like those from Ostomy Secrets or a cloth band like a Stealth Belt. Also, there are bag covers that can be made out of a soft fabric.

      1. Also sober*

        The bigger issue might simply be your ease with being intimate with his body.

        I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there.
        Thanks for the tips.

        1. TempOstomate*

          It’s ok to feel this way; the key is to be honest with yourself and (once you sort your feelings) your partner. If you really like the guy and the relationship, then hopefully you can talk about it. When I was dating my now-husband and realized an ostomy was a possibility, I knew he would have issues. It ended up not being necessary, but I’m not sure how it would have turned out back then. Flash forward a dozen years into our marriage when I had cancer, it was unavoidable, and we figured it out.

  27. Amethyst*

    TW: Discussion of vomiting and…the other end to follow. Sorry. I’m gonna try to make it not gross.

    I have IBS and a severely overactive gag reflex. Sometimes when I have too much gas in my intestines, I feel really sick and have to spend a lot of time on the toilet. Sometimes it results in vomiting while I go.

    Has anyone found a workaround on this? I’m tired of dealing with this. The nature of my IBS is so that normally safe foods can turn unsafe for a day before it’s safe again. And I can never know in advance whether it’s gonna be an issue that day. I’ve actually made myself really sick from pulling hair off my shower drain, and I’m tired of it. (Hair is a gag reflex trigger.) I can tell you that I’ve been vomiting a lot more in the last 10 years than I ever did previously.

    I did speak to my dentist about the gag reflex issue and they didn’t have any solutions except to refer me to an oral surgeon (for my mild tongue tie), and who was of no help.

    I’m just sick of the gag reflex being a highly sensitive trigger over anything/everything/nothing and the vomiting. They’re the absolute worst.

    Anyone have one or both of these issues? How did you resolve it? I’m all ears.

    1. Jaid*

      Not a problem for me, but it’s weird what comes up on the internet. Apparently accupressure/accupuncture can help.

      JADA (Journal of the American Dental Association) has an article saying that they tested 36 people with a device that applied pressure to a specific point on the palm and there was a significant result. You’d have to pay for the full article.

      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4606684/ Has info about accupuncture.

      http://nitte.edu.in/journal/March%202014/149-155.pdf

      I wish you well. I hope these help.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Ah, vomiting on the toilet. That happens a lot to me. I don’t have any solutions to resolve the issue… but I do have a cheap plastic trashcan right next to the toilet for when things happen.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      I strongly recommend you see a gastroenterologist and maybe an ENT. This is a quality of life thing and there might be really great answers out there for you from the right experts.
      Fingers crossed!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Oh, definitely. Not being able to reliably eat is a big problem and no gastroenterologist worth anything is going to ignore that (and if they do, or give you the bulimia pamphlets, you absolutely should fire them).

    4. HannahS*

      One thing I notice there is that some of the things that make you vomit–hair from the drain–aren’t directly related to your bloating/IBS. Maybe a therapist with experience with exposure therapy could help you feel less nauseated and less likely to vomit when looking at/smelling things are triggers.

    5. TempOstomate*

      For the committing while you go: have you tried a squatty potty? Sometimes raising your legs can reduce the pressure on your vagus nerve, which can be a trigger for some.

    6. Zweisatz*

      This is completely out of left field but I’ll leave it here on the off chance that it might be a useful tool. Due to my digestive issues which probably include SIBO, I found a breathing exercize to improve SIBO. I’m mentioning it here because when I use it regularly, my digestion is noticeably better and I don’t have the SIBO issue of feeling sick after I eat. Maybe it can contribute a little. Link in next comment

    7. Anon5775*

      The only tidbit I have for you is that apparently sniffing rubbing alcohol can make nausea lessen.

  28. Clodagh*

    Gamers – I get what I think is motion sickness when I play a lot of console games, particularly first person ones. Does anyone have any tips on how I can manage this? Would painkillers help? Would it be worth getting anti-nausea tablets? I’m tired of getting a pounding headache and a slight sick feeling every time I play a game!

    1. Lych*

      You could maybe try sitting further back from your screen? Motion sickness is caused by a disconnect between what movements your eyes think you’re making and what your inner ear is registering. If the screen is the only thing you can see, that might lead to confusion between those, and make you sick. If you sit further back you will see more around your screen which gives your brain another reference point.

      1. Bilateralrope*

        Also you’d be matching the field of view rendered onscreen with the angle the screen takes up in your vision.

        Having the fov at a lower angle than what the screen takes up causes me motion sickness. I’m on pc and normally deal with it by adjusting game settings, but changing your distance from the screen also works.

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      If you haven’t already, I’d do a deep dive in the options menu—specifically looking at controller sensitivity if the option’s there, or turning off camera shake. It’s also possible that adjusting the frame rate down, if possible, would help. I know those things might interfere with performance if you’re playing competitive games but it might be worth a try.

      1. Clodagh*

        I play most things on easy so definitely not playing anything competitively! thanks for this – I’d never considered there might be something in the game settings that would help.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Might investigate your TV settings too. My husband got a high-def TV that’s probably too large for the size of my living room, and when he first set it up, it gave me crazy motion sickness. I forget what exactly we did to it, but if you google “soap opera effect” or similar, there’s an article called “Soap Opera Effect: Tom Cruise Wants You To Turn It Off” that helped me figure out what settings were giving me the wiggins and it’s been just fine ever since. (Which is good, because I do most of the TV watching in the living room, and having a TV in there that made me motion sick was not a viable option. :P )

      1. Clodagh*

        Ooh, interesting! My TV is definitely too big for my living room (it looked smaller in the shop, I swear!) and I struggled with panning shots when I first got it so this might be very helpful.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I get it, but I haven’t found anything that works better than avoidance & cutting tome. I long ago gave up on IMAX & 3D movies. I have problems with the bouncy motion of Charr characters in Guild Wars 2. It’s manageable for short sessions if I turn off the setting called something like ‘camera bounce” (or shudder, or motion).
      Beyond that I never let myself play long if I catch myself getting queasy.

      1. Clodagh*

        I’ll check out the camera bounce/shudder/motion setting, thank you! I’m bad at limiting the time of my sessions and just end up in a really bad mood because of the headache… not an ideal situation!

      1. Anxious Cat Servant*

        Those things are magic! I get mal de debarquement fairly easily and those things saved me last trip. I put them on before the flight and felt so good I figured that it was just one of those times my inner ear wasn’t being a pain and took them off. Five minutes later I was looking for a trash can. Put them back on and I was fine again. So weird but I’ll take whatever sorcery that is if it keeps me from going green.

    6. anon24*

      PC gamer here. Zofran helps if I take it beforehand, but its prescription only. Definitely play with your graphics settings. It took me a bit to be able to play without getting sick after 5 minutes. I don’t really play console but a tip a friend gave me that works well is to sit on an exercise ball while playing console. You’re constantly balancing and readjusting yourself so it keeps your brain and inner ear grounded in reality. Definitely helps.

      1. Clodagh*

        Ooh, interesting! I quite like the idea of perching atop an exercise ball when I play. Thank you!

    7. pancakes*

      Not a gamer, but whenever I’ve had motion sickness on a boat or in a car I’ve found looking steadily at the horizon to be very helpful. Taking your eyes off the screen to look out a window, ideally, or to look at something stationary in the room might help. I only get car-sick if I try to read in the car (as a passenger obviously!) so I don’t do that anymore unless it’s to briefly check an email or something.

      1. Clodagh*

        It took me a long time to identify what was happening as motion sickness as it’s something I never get when I travel, even when reading. The brain is a strange thing! Thanks for the tips.

    8. Duckymuffin*

      Have you had a recent eye exam? Sometimes a small uncorrected prescription difference between the eyes causes one to work harder than the other during focusing tasks and the imbalance causes strain, discomfort, etc.

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’m just spitballing here, but I wonder if a speech pathologist could help you. They deal with swallowing difficulties and I wonder if they could help you desensitize to the gag reflex.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Do you have astigmatism?

      I get extremely motion sick from 3-D movies, from some IMax movies or simulator rides, and oddly enough from Minecraft. I rarely get sick from *actual* motion, just the visuals.

      I had an eye doctor once tell me it was related to my astigmatism, though I have no idea how accurate that might be, and I wear my glasses all the time, which should correct it. Perhaps it’s more a brain thing than an eye thing.

      Anyway, I don’t have any workarounds. I just don’t do those things much because they’re no fun. (Though some IMax stuff is worth it).

    11. LQ*

      Mess with your settings. Bounce/motion/etc dig around in your game until you find the settings, you may be able to google the game you are on and motion sickness and find some specific settings.

      Plan your gaming. Don’t do a whole bunch of stuff that is bad at once, do some things that are less sickening inbetween.
      Cut yourself off. I use parental controls on myself all the time. It’s a good time to get up and take a break. (This is a lot harder if you’re a hardcore gamer but it sounds like you aren’t so I really recommend this. A 3 minute break makes playing longer no problem.)

      I just can’t full FPS games they absolutely make me feel sick. But the good news is there are a LOT of kinds of games out there. Honestly, just explore different game types to find something that you love to play that doesn’t make you sick. I know there are great game experiences I miss out on, but there are only so many gaming hours anyway so I’m going to miss out on great things. So I might as well miss out on the feeling bad too.

    12. Christmas Carol*

      Flashing lights triggering pounding headaches and nausea, sounds like migraines to me.

  29. Hotdog not dog*

    AAM gardeners, how are things growing? I’m finally getting things to eat from my herb and vegetable gardens and I’m thrilled! Still waiting for the first tomato, but have herbs, peppers, lettuce, chard, peas, and zucchini. On a related note, who’s got a good zucchini recipe? Based on previous experience I expect to be drowning in zucchini in about another week.

    1. nep*

      No recipes, but I like to spiral-cut them and cook them up in a skillet w some olive oil and whatever seasoning. Makes for a great side. (The volume shrinks down like crazy, of course.)

    2. Alexandra Lynch*

      My boyfriend had WLS, and since he can’t have pasta, we substitute what I call “pan-seared zucchini” for pasta for him. My girlfriend, who lives with us, has the zucchini on the side with her pasta. So it works either way.
      Cut off ends, cut zucchini in half, then quarters, and cut the quarters into regular-ish sized pieces. Get a cast iron skillet hissing hot, add a couple teaspoons of grapeseed (or another high smoke point) oil, and toss in the zucchini. Let them sear dark on a couple sides, and get soft, stirring three or four times. Take out of the pan, toss with sea salt and cracked black pepper, and top them with sauce. They are good with marinara sauce and meatballs, and they are astounding with alfredo sauce topped with chicken and diced pepper bacon.
      It is very fast, and easy, and one of those things where the sum of the parts adds up to a taste greater than what you expect.

    3. Anonnington*

      Zucchini bread! So incredibly delicious.

      I’m growing everything from seed, completely organic. I’m in a small cluster of houses. We’re all into gardening. The neighbors started later but bought fully grown plants, not organic. They’re using the big name brand soils and fertilizers. So now my garden looks scraggly compared to theirs. I’m trying to catch up. We’re all very nice. There are no tensions. But I feel like we’re having a friendly gardening competition! It’s fun.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        Ours is all organic too. Compost is my best friend! I’ve gardened for years and find that there is a big difference in the production of fruits/veggies. My plants aren’t as big and lush looking but they have more fruit and are less susceptible to insect damage. Most commercial fertilizers encourage growth of the green parts, which results in tender stems and leaves which the bugs love.

        1. Anonnington*

          Aha. Right now, my struggle is lack of sunlight. My yard is surrounded by tall buildings. I have some very snail-eaten, post-flowering arugula. I’ve already planted amaranth seedlings in the same pot. But I can’t bring myself to remove the arugula yet. I feel bad about killing anything . . . vegicidal??

    4. Recent Grad*

      Zucchini pie, it’s kind of like a crust less quiche that uses a lot of zucchini.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I’ve got peppers and eggplant and tomatoes developing, but none at harvest size yet. I have had some husk cherries (aka ground cherries, aka Cape gooseberries), but noticed some empty husks under the plants indicating that something else has been harvesting them too. (I’m blaming the chipmunks, but it could have been birds.) Added some chicken-wire around the plants to see if that helps.

      Got some heliotrope plants from a favorite local nursery; the fragrance on this variety isn’t as rich as on other types I’ve had in the past, but it’s still lovely.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Forgot to add a zucchini recipe (possibly because I put in my summer squash plants a bit late and won’t have any produce from them for a while!). I like to oven-roast veggies in general, and for summer squash it works really well – concentrates the flavor, and removes a lot of the moisture. I can nosh on the roasted veggies straight from the pan, or use them in soups or pasta sauce or frittatas or ratatouille…

    7. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      I harvested my first cucumber yesterday!

      There are two more almost ready, but I want to give them a day or two in the sunlight and that might not be until Wednesday.

      A windstorm knocked my (container) tomato plant over, but I have set it back upright and it seems to be fine.

    8. Container Gardening*

      My container garden on my deck is going quite well! I’m a fairly inexperienced gardener, so I’m so happy to see the plants growing and looking forward to being able to eat some home grown veggies this summer.

      Two questions for more experienced gardeners:
      My cucumber plant has grown so tall, it is now higher than the trellis. What can I do? The top two vines are precariously clinging on to each other. Will they stop growing if they have nothing to cling on to? Is there something I can rig up to help them?

      One of my pepper plants is already producing peppers. They are still green but last week I cut a couple off (and ate them!) as I read that harvesting some early in the season will cause the plant to produce even more peppers. This week I have a couple more that I can cut off, but how do I know when to start leaving them to ripen? I’ve read that it takes quite a while for peppers to ripen so I want to balance early harvesting vs leaving so I actually get to eat some red peppers.

      1. Venus*

        Usually I pinch the end of the vine to help it focus on the fruit (tomato pruning basics but it may apply to cucumbers?)

    9. MommaCat*

      My two tomato plants have been producing well enough to keep my kids happy, and my cucumber has been producing about one cucumber a week, which is awesome. I discovered my potted orange mint and potted chocolate mint have been throwing out rhizomes that almost reached the ground and each other, so I had to do some hurried pruning and moving the pots away from each other. I got one massive harvest last weekend from my orange mint since it was blooming, and now I’m trying to stay ahead of the oregano and peppermint plants as they start blooming. I’ve been a little lazy with harvesting all the chamomile, because I’ll be happy if I get volunteers, but mint? Stay in your pot, dangit! I get the feeling that most friends and family will be getting dried herbs for Christmas. Which is good, since I’m in theater, and our income will be halved.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We harvested two pints of blackcaps (wild raspberries) from our woods this morning! And more to come, especially if we suit up to enter the poison ivy zone.
      It kind of makes up for the bug damage to everything else. (So much diversity in pests…even the slugs are an interesting shade of yellow brown. But I’m still putting out beer after finding 8 of them in 10 minutes.)

    11. Nita*

      It’s been hot and dry, and my garden is showing it. Most of the grapes seems to have dried up on the vine, and many of the raspberries were pretty much dried fruit when I picked them. That’s what I get for being a weekend gardener – the garden is not technically mine and I don’t live at my parents’, so I can’t give it the TLC it really needs. Still, three big cups of raspberries, so there was enough for my parents and the kids. The container garden is doing good – the tomatoes and beans are blooming, the radish looks nearly ready to pick. The backyard… I don’t know what to do about the backyard. It is growing weeds, which is a good sign, but so far nothing I’ve planted will take. I think the problem is not enough water (fixable) and not enough sun (not fixable). The next-door neighboor has a green thumb, but even she can’t get anything but herbs and flowers to grow in her backyard. Maybe I should give up on vegetables, and plant another fruit bush back there.

      Zucchini: if you’ve got the time, they’re delicious fried. You make a bowl of flour with some salt and pepper, cut the zucchini into thin circles, heat up some oil in a pan, and then dip each circle in the flour and fry. They’re done when they start to brown a little/start to look a bit “wrinkly”. You can put some lemon juice and garlic on them after frying. They also go in stews and soups, but the frying is my favorite.

    12. WellRed*

      My tomato and peppers are doing great, but cucumber is very slow. Is this normal (curls are new for me). Too much sun? Will something for it to crawl on help?

    14. Venus*

      My garden is so dry and everything is now growing slowly.

      Yet I did get garlic scapes and the raspberries have started to produce, and there are some tomatoes that have started to grow. So I have hope!

    15. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Everything is still tiny and pathetic although some plants are finally starting to get bigger. Last week I bought some bags of compost to fill up some big pots to put some plants in but we’re expecting a very windy day tomorrow so I’ve left the things I was going to plant out in the greenhouse for another day. I have some cabbages that I bought as plants that seem to be mostly growing so at least I might have those. I did get a few peas and strawberries today but the damn woodlice attacked the strawberries.

    16. Newbie Gardener*

      Our green beans are almost finished. I’ve harvested a handful of beans every 3 or 4 days for about 3 weeks now. Harvested 4 beets and have 4 left. Roasted the beets with Maui onion and they were great. The beet greens were delicious, too. Getting enough zucchini, summer and patty pan squash to sauté every few days. Harvested a few cherry tomatoes and one small beefsteak tomato and they were all delicious. My neighbor and I planted our gardens about the same time. All of my plants are scrawny and his are magnificent. He shows up on my doorstep with huge cucumbers and zucchini every few days.

    18. Altair*

      I just took a paddle slicer to a zucchini and sauteed it with a good pinch of salt in pretty hot oil (8 on a scale of 10) with a dressing of rice vinegar, honey, fresh extra virgin olive oil, and some “salad herbs”. The zucchini shrank down considerably because the slices were so thin and the whole dish came out really well, caramelized and tasty. I’m definitely making it again. I could add this to pasta, but I currently ate it with smoked salmon and rice.

    19. AcademiaNut*

      One of my favourite dead simple zucchini recipes – slice zucchini and layer it on a baking tray or shallow pan, each slice overlapping the other a bit. Brush with garlic infused olive oil (crush a few cloves into the oil, and let it set for a few minutes), sprinkle with salt and pepper. Bake at moderate heat for about five or ten minutes, depending on thickness, then sprinkle with grated parmesan. Put back in the oven, turn the heat up, and broil until the cheese is starting to brown. Serve hot.

      I can also eat buckets of ratatouille and related stews during the summer, both cold and hot.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Shining leaf chafers… has anyone tried the bright-light kiddie pool trap idea? Does it work?

    21. Ali G*

      I have milkweed buds!!! I lamented previously how my milkweeds have never bloomed in 3 years. I was so sad, especially when I see other peoples plants in the neighborhood blooming. But! I have 2 stalks with buds and I am so excited to see them finally bloom!
      For zucchini, I make zucchini lasagna, subing roasted thick cut slices of zukes for noodles. Make more slices than you think you will need.
      My pepper plants are still stunted, I am just going to let them grow (I tried picking buds and fruit off for a few weeks, but they want to fruit so be it).

    22. Parenthetically*

      Bell peppers are going crazy! Peas are pretty much finished and we’re putting zucchini behind them, greens are about finished and mom’s decided to put onions in behind them. Beans are just coming on so we’ll have them coming out of our ears in a couple weeks. Herbs are all going like mad — can’t use the basil fast enough.

      When I have an abundance of zucchini, I just shred it and add it to everything — curries, pasta sauces, sloppy joes, mac and cheese, whatever. I love the shreddy texture and really love any chance to get more veggies in my life!

  30. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone ever have issues with their piriformis muscle? How do you deal with it?

    It seems like I keep having issues pop up as I continue recovery from back surgery. (I totally blame the pandemic, as I know getting back to a normal daily routine much earlier would have made recovery go faster.) The back is pretty much fine, though it still bothers me if I sit too long. Last week I got a cortisone injection for the bursitis in the left hip and that seems to have taken care of it. I’m also enjoying the 4 inch mattress topper I bought a few weeks ago. And now I’m noticing pain in the crease of the back of my legs at the top (where the butt meets the leg), both sides. It feels like sciatica, though it doesn’t radiate out like sciatica usually does. I asked the physical therapist about it and he mentioned it could be the beginnings of piriformis syndrome. He said it can come from too much sitting and sitting on hard surfaces, which makes sense given I’m now working from home and I’m basically just home all the time for the most part. At my session yesterday he did some massage on the muscles, which was uncomfortable but necessary, and I felt good after that…until the usual aches from new exercises, etc. set in.

    My next session is Tuesday and I plan to ask if there are specific exercises or stretches I can do to help this, but I’m wondering if anyone else has had piriformis syndrome and how you dealt with it. (I’ll add that I just ordered a seat cushion from Purple (I had no idea they make seat cushions),which hasn’t arrived yet, and I’m hoping that helps while working. Even though I have a sit/stand desk and my chair isn’t hard, it seems like I can NEVER get enough activity in at any point during the day to offset the issues I’m still having, which totally sucks. I may need a new chair, too, I’m thinking.)

    1. Roja*

      I haven’t had piriformis syndrome specifically but as a dancer I’ve had plenty of similar issues. DEFINITELY ask your PT for exercises and stretches because that’ll really help. I’d also recommend getting a tennis ball, a franklin ball, or a bouncy ball (or any combination), because you can stick the ball between your butt and a wall and roll around. It’ll really help relax those muscles, although it’ll hurt at first so be gentle.

      There’s a ton of stretches you can do but the easiest one to describe by words is sit in your chair and let your legs dangle (or rest on the floor, but I’m so short my legs dangle). Then cross one leg so its ankle rests on your other knee. It’ll look like a number 4. You can vary the intensity of the stretch by leaning forward or letting your knee fall farther open over time. Most of the variations on that stretch are just in different positions (aka, make that shape but lying on your back/side/standing up/whatever). Your PT should have nice handouts with pictures, or at least my previous PTs have done so.

      They might not mention this but one thing I’ve found that makes a difference in how tight my hips get is how tight my lower back gets. You can try lying on the ground, pushing your butt up against a chair or the couch, and then resting your legs on the chair. Your knees should be a 90 degree angle or so, and your shins parallel to the floor. You might not be able to do this while you’re still recovering from surgery, but when it’s safe to get up and down off the floor and lie on a hard surface, I’d give it a shot. 5-10 minutes a day makes a HUGE difference in how my back and hips feel.

      Good luck!

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Thank you! Yes, he mentioned using a lacrosse ball for massaging that area. I have one so I’ll give it a try. I only brought it up to him yesterday and it was actually someone different. I assume I’ll have the regular guy next week so I’ll bring it up again. I do have a follow-up with the doctor for the hip injection in a couple weeks, but I didn’t want to wait that long since this pain is truly annoying.

    2. acmx*

      What Roja said.
      I do the figure 4 stretch where I lay on my back and bring the knees up to stretch. I’m able to do this in bed.
      I also just use my fingers to work out any knots (or you could use a tennis/la cross ball, foam roller).

    3. Knots*

      Ugh, yes. I did a 12 hour road trip for a 1 week vacation and when I got back, I had strong piriformis pain. It seemed very unfair to hurt from sitting! I did the four-square stretch described by Roja and things loosened up.

    4. HannahS*

      Yeah, I have! It was bugging my sciatic nerve for YEARS. Honestly, just being diligent (and by “diligent” I definitely mean “occasionally diligent but most lackadaisical”) about physio and self-massage has been sufficient.

    5. Ellen*

      I had it for months. Exercises didn’t help as much as anti inflammatories and keeping heat on my backside.

    6. J.B.*

      I have chronic hip issues tied to a back that is much too bendy. What works for me is daily lacrosse or soccer balls and keeping the glutes strong. Be diligent about pt and it should help.

    7. Anon, colleagues read AAM*

      I encourage you to see a pain specialist if your insurance will cover it. Because you want someone who’s going to look at the big picture.

      Tl, dr: your problem may not be the piriformis or not just the piriformis.

      My sad story:
      I had a similar issue at the start of the year (prirfirmis has been achy/tight a long time before that too). Got bad enough that I couldnt use stairs. Course of steroids, pt, got better, got back to my usual activities over a couple months. Shutdown, WFH = too much sitting, less comfortable chair, bad setup for using computer all day long, problem came back, got worse, went to ER (pain level 9, I do not exaggerate), admitted to hospital, got to try all the anti-inflammatories and opiods (and let me say, morphine is amazing), Steroid injection in SI joint which kinda helped, back home now, Did another course of oral steroids, doing pt twice a week, piriformis and nearby muscles still tight/painful, next week I get a steroid injection in my spine because dx now is nerve Root impingement affecting nerves going to/near yes, you guessed it, piriformis.

    8. Anon, colleagues read AAM*

      Also, I got a lumbar pillow and through the PT got a back brace w an ice insert. The improvement to my posture, back support, and back icing has made my hip and piriformis feel better. Everything’s connected…

    9. Anonacademic*

      Yes, for me it was posture and strength imbalances plus too much sitting. I joined a gym and started walking 7-10k steps a day, plus doing mobility exercises. Haven’t had any lower back pain/piriformis pain for almost a year now.

  31. Anon Estate Planning for Pets*

    The pandemic has given me the nudge I needed to get my end of life planning documented. I want to put a provision in my will to give X thousand dollars, and my cats, to my designated cat guardian. I have an informal “you’ll take care of my pets if something happens to me” reciprocal arrangement with another single relative retiree who also has two cats.

    My question is around instructions for their care if I die. I’d like it if some good home took them in til the end of their natural lives, but what if there’s no feasible home for them? My general preferences for the “guardian” are 1) keep them yourself as your own pets, 2) rehome them if you can find a good place for them, 3) return them to the no-kill shelter where they came from (or another such.)

    Now that my cats are getting old (as am I), I am thinking of adding that if they are elderly or in poor health at the time of my death, it would be OK to have them put down rather than returned to a shelter. One of them is shy and would probably get a stress infection and die in the shelter. The other is more territorial and would probably get into fights with other cats (and lose as he is old, fat, and declawed.) I doubt either of them would get adopted out at 15 or 20 years old, and they’d have a hard time adapting even if they did.

    My question is: is this a terrible idea? Is it ethically bad to kill beloved animals rather than let them live as long as they might in circumstances they would find challenging? To clarify, I wouldn’t put this in my will, it would be more of an understanding with my pet guardian person. My instructions would be to use the money for their supplies and medical care, then donate any remainder to the shelter.

    What arrangement do you have for pet guardianship? (I of course have no plans to die soon, but several thousand Americans probably thought the same a few months ago.)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      This is a tough one. Speaking as someone who volunteers with a cat rescue, thank you so much for making provisions for your cats. So many people don’t.

      As to whether you should tell the designated guardian to put them down if necessary, it depends on a lot of factors and you/they have to be logical about making the decision. In your case, I agree euthanasia is a viable option: they’re senior cats; one is territorial and may get into fits he can’t win; and the other would be very stressed in a shelter. I don’t, however, think it’s the first option the guardian should consider–it should be the last when there are no other viable options. And health, in my opinion, should be heavily factored in. If they are healthy, it’s possible someone will want to adopt one of them since it’s likely they won’t be tied down to the cat for 10+ years and/or want to give a senior cat love and caring in their last years; some people prefer adopting older cats because of that.

      This reminds me I need to make a will. I have 12 cats and I shudder to think what will happen to them when we die. I know most family members wouldn’t consider taking even one of them, and other family members I wouldn’t WANT them to take even one of them. And I wouldn’t want the decision to be left up to anyone but me and my husband, or the woman who runs the rescue.

    2. Four-legged fosterer*

      It sounds like you have the right wording. Find them the right home, and if all options are exhausted then euthanize. Euthanasia is about not wanting them to be miserable, physically or mentally. It would be awful if someone euthanized their pet because of their own laziness, so their circumstances hadn’t changed but they got tired of old age, but your case is completely different and reasonable.

      1. Vina*

        Euthanizing a pet can be an act of kindness.

        I had one cat where we loved her and waited a wee bit too long. That was about us, not her. That taught me that it’s better to do it before you are ready than after it’s too late and the pet has suffered.

        It’s not like the cat can tell you “I want to die.” But sometimes, it’s clear they have no meaningful life and are suffering.

        If you have given them the best life you possibly could but they hav eno quality of life left, then ending their lives is an act of kindness and mercy.

    3. Vina*

      As a lawyer, look at your will v. Setting up a pet trust with a lawyer. I can do them for under $1500, sometimes as low as $500.

      Also, if you are doing this using an online form, please don’t. I’ve never seen a DIY one of those that worked. Also, lawyers are usually cheaper. Seriously, I charge only $350 for a will, power of attorney, and 3-4 health care documents.

      If you can’t afford a lawyer and are int he USA, look for will clinics through legal aid.

      Also, a few stray thoughts:

      If you leave them in care of the pet guardian, they will make all decisions irrespective of what you write down. Finding someone you trust to make a good decision is far, far more important than perfect instructions. In fact, I’d advise you expressly not to write too much down. You might tie your pet guardian’s hands when they should make a different decision that what you have written.

      Name at least 2-3 people to serve as consecutive pet guardians. You don’t want to leave Fido at the mercy of Aunt Agatha if your nominated guardian dies.

      Finally, you need to know the legal status of animals in your jurisdiction. In my states, they are property. But in one state, they are treated no differently than cattle. In another, they have a special status. This matters.

      ***

      I’d also look into local pet rescue organizations. I just got a very, very elderly male cat from one. He was very non-adoptable. Yet here he is, sitting right next to me. Happy as a clam with whatever life he has left.

      1. Vina*

        PS In many states, including those which treat pets poorly, an elderly cat who was a pet has a much better chance than a kitten. My local shelter has about 10 elderly cats awaiting homes. They euthanize all the kittens brought in.

        It’s a dirty little secret of animal rescue: kitten’s lives are pretty much worthless socially.

        I’m not trying to be harsh or cruel, but that’s the reality. A lot of people would think the oppposite and assume a cute kitten had a better chance than a grumpy old male cat.

      2. Anon Estate Planning for Pets*

        Thanks! I am going to a lawyer for a will and based on my research from the do-it-yourself forms, I think I can list them in the specific gifts section, “my pets, and x money for their care, to Y person,” and leave the details to personal instructions I would trust them to follow. Pretty sure they are considered property in my state, and I haven’t thought of a pet trust but will ask about it. Or if there is a better way to set this up. Other than pets and a few other specific things I want to pass along, I wouldnt really need a will if I have “transfer upon death” documents on my house, car, and accounts. (I don’t own much of anything else, only recently that I’ve thought my assets might exceed my debts.)

        Priorities for their guardian would be 1) keep, 2) rehome, 3) return to no-kill shelter. Euthanizing would be a last resort. (I don’t want to specify the shelter because we’ve moved since I adopted them. I would trust guardian to find one near them.) Yes, older cats can be lovely! My last one before this batch was 10, lived to only 14. I might go for a young cat one more time but after that, all new cats will be senior cats, to reduce the chance of me outliving them.

        1. Vina*

          Hope it works out.

          I’m so glad you are planning for this. So many people don’t and then their pets end up at the mercy of whoever is left standing.

          It breaks my heart.

    4. WellRed*

      I think it’s a good idea to include language (maybe get a lawyer, as Vina suggests) that will free the guardian to do what’s in the best interest of the cats. Otherwise, I am envisioning the guardian in charge of a very sick and ancient pet who feels she needs to keep them alive at all costs because “Anon Estate trusted them to me.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have an awful story of four pets….. yes, this punchline is correct just empower the person to do what is best for the animals. In my story, the money that was not spent on the pets went to the deceased’s favorite family member. (It was enough to get a used car or similar.) We knew this person could use the money and we felt that our lost loved one would be satisfied with that solution.

    5. Lucette Kensack*

      I’ve heard it recommended that parents (of human children) designate someone to decide what will happen with their children, rather than someone to whom the children will go. That seems like a good solution for you: you can’t predict exactly what the situation will be when you die: will your cats be healthy? Will the person you want to take them live somewhere they can have the cats? Will the adoption market be hot and the cats easy to place? Etc. Instead of trying to predict the future, you can figure out who you trust to make the best possible choice for your kitties.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Here’s a side issue: don’t list a specific dollar amount in your estate planning/will for your cats. Use a percentage of your assets instead, since you can’t predict when you might pass away or how much you might have at that time. A percentage will help preserve your intent for your estate, whereas a hard dollar amount could have unintended consequences.
      Also, you could save yourself another legal bill by designating a backup pet guardian or two. After my first executor passed away, I designated a new one with 2 backups, to make sure I didn’t have to redo it for that reason again!
      I hope you and your cats stay well for a long time!

      1. Vina*

        Or designate a percentage up to an amount. For example, 10% of my estate up to $10,000.

        Who knows, you could win the lottery or have something unfortunate happen leading to a wrongful death sui.

    7. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I set up a trust last year for my nieces*, and as part of that the lawyer suggested also doing a pet trust. It lays out who gets the cats and allots a certain amount of money per cat for their care. It has back-ups in case that person’s circumstances/wishes have changed, and you could have one of your back-ups be the rescue group you adopted them from.

      * The non-pet parts of the trust also include provisions for the trustee to keep AAM’s archives online, which was a thing I’d long wondered about how to handle. I think if you run your own business that might have revenue-generating intellectual property that survives you, a trust is a good thing to do.

      1. Vina*

        The other thing about an ongoing trust is that a judge will try and keep the intent going even if the persons or charities you designate are *ehm* no longer in existence.

        So if you name Golden Heart Cat Rescue, but they no longer exist, but there is a very similar organization that’s come along, the judge will likely look at what you wanted and say “oh, well, this is as close as we can get.”

        Finally, if you have a trustee really misusing the funds/mistreating the animals, there will be recourse.

        Have your lawyer put in a “duty to account” to someone other than your trustee. Think of that person as your eyes and ears after you are gone.

    8. Lonely Aussie*

      My mare died before I did but my will has always included that any horses I own are to be euthanized if I die. They’re big expensive animals that can meet a whole host of not so great ends even from people with food intentions (from abandoned in a paddock to starve to going through the meat pens at the local auction) and a lifetime of Ag work has taught me that a quick death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to anything. Cats are obviously a little different but if you can’t ensure that they’d have the same or better quality of care, then I’d be considing euthanasia.

  32. Wondering aloud*

    I have a trivial question/ thought. There tons of streaming services around for movies. Our family still uses dvds as well, not to mention you can access everything anywhere pretty much. There are a 3 streaming services that are popular amount our child’s friends. Each service only costs $10-15. We decided to only get 1 out of the 3 streaming services. It’s not a money thing. We get other streaming services as well. We just want other forms of entertainment besides electronics! We are never “deprived”. At some point we all see the same movies.

    When talking the other day someone mentioned a show that was exclusive to a very popular streaming service (like 90% of households have it) that we opted out of. When questioned why, I laughed it off. When pressed for why I explained we already watch enough tv in our house. We’re working though the movies and shows on the services we have and then we’ll move onto other services. You would of thought I was an alien.

    How do I explain to people that subscribing to millions of streaming services doesn’t fit our family lifestyle

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      I don’t think you need to. There are a ton of services now and very few people have all of them.

      It’s sort of a conversation-stopper to just leave it at, “no, I don’t watch that and never will,” though. So I’d recommend following up with asking what the other person likes about the show, or mentioning a different show that you’ve been watching!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t really think you need to. “Nah, just (service of choice) works for us, we haven’t run out of stuff to watch yet!” If people get weird about it beyond that, it’s them, not you. Making a big deal out of it, a la the phrasing “subscribing to millions of streaming services doesn’t fit our family lifestyle” (really?) kinda turns you into the parallel of those annoying pretentious hipster folks who are like “What? TV? No, I don’t own one of those bourgeois devices.”

      1. Generic Name*

        Lol My aunt likes to brag that she doesn’t have a TV, but she watches Netflix and movies on her iPad, which is basically exactly how millions of other Americans use their TVs. I’m not going to point that out to her though.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          A jerk I used to know did pretty much that — if someone so much as said the word “television” he’d go off on this pretentious tear about “TV? What’s that? I haven’t watched television in YEARS.” And he actually OWNED a TV too, he just never used it except for playing console games. And watching Netflix. And DVDs. And sports games. He was being a hipster jerk simply based on the fact that he didn’t watch sitcoms on network television. :P

    3. nep*

      I would say you don’t need to explain that to anyone. What purpose would that serve?
      I’m not on Facebook. When someone doesn’t understand that and hears it as ‘I don’t have indoor plumbing,’ well, that’s not my problem.

      1. nep*

        (I guess Facebook is passé in many ways…So replace it there with Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, whatever.)

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Is it necessary to explain? Just an oh, we have enough stuff to watch already so we only have X should be sufficient. Then again I’ve run into a lot of outright disbelief when I’ve said that I’m not interested in this or that cable service because I don’t watch much TV. People just can’t compute not having the TV on all day sometimes.

      1. WellRed*

        I’m often shocked by the amount of movies/tv people sometimes seem to watch, like starting with something in the morning (I’ve never watched TV in the morning, so that is odd to me, but that’s me) and throughout the day followed by more at night. Do they do anything else? Do they never read? I currently have netflix, hulu and acorn and an app for some plain old cable. I’m planning to ditch two and possibly a third.

        1. Potatoes gonna potate*

          Background noise. I don’t think many people are actively watching something 24/7.

          I haven’t had an actual television or service since 2008 and I didn’t get to have Netflix/Hulu until I had a steady job so I subscribed to both in 2017 or so. Now that I’m not working, I still leave netflix/hulu on as background noise.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I am amazed by how many homes I walk into, the tv is on and no one is watching it. Worse, no one intends to come back to it in a few minutes. It’s just on. why. “I can’t stand the quiet.” or “The tv is company.” oh, dear.

          I have friends who have a $300 plus electric bill for a modest sized house. And they complain about their bill. It never connects that there are 2-3 tvs running most of the day. TVs are not cheap to run. Now the power company sends us little “love letters” showing each customer where their bill stands in relation to their energy saving neighbors. My thought was they could save the paper and not send these things out. The people who want to conserve energy are already doing it.

          I have never gotten used to having a tv on in the morning. For me, the morning news and digesting breakfast are two opposite actions. I can only have one of these things.

        4. Old and Don’t Care*

          This is a small sample size but people I know who have the tv on all the time have ADD and are usually doing at least one other thing while watching. It seems to help them focus, while it drives me crazy.

          1. London Calling*

            I have been alone in lockdown since the end of March and I confess to having the TV on in the background sometimes just for something to look at while I’m doing something else. After weeks your own company can get a bit tedious and it’s nice to see some movement and hear other voices.

    5. ThatGirl*

      I don’t think you need to overexplain. There are too many streaming services, we have three and even though we could afford to add another, I see no need to. It’s too many. Just say ope, don’t have that one, and leave it at that.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Gonna chime in with everyone else to say that this isn’t that unusual. Not everyone is into TV. That’s not really a new concept either – some people have been Not Into TV ever since it came out. Also, some people just aren’t particularly into whatever show you’re watching so… really not seeing the issue here?

      Especially if you have kids – who has infinite time for adult TV when you’ve got kids?

    7. RagingADHD*

      This dynamic has nothing to do with TV or streaming, really. It’s just rude people who can’t imagine that anyone else has different priorities than themselves.

      Some people are like this about food, or sports, or a particular type of workout, or car, or phone, or kids/no kids, pets/no pets…Could be about anything.

      And the answer is the same for all of them. “Thanks, we’re happy with what we’ve got.”

      There is no inherent superiority to having the thing or not having it. Responding with an attitude of “well, actually…” or exaggerating about “millions” of services, or trying to argue that your way is better, just compounds the immaturity level in the room.

      They like theirs. You like yours. Great, everyone is happy with their own life.

      Just change the subject.

    8. Generic Name*

      I think it’s weird someone pressed you for an explanation of why you don’t have Netflix/Hulu/Disney+. If I were taking to a friend who said they didn’t have whatever service, I think the most I’d say is, “Oh ok”. Your response was fine, and I don’t think you need to go into great depths of your tv watching philosophy.

    9. No Tribble At All*

      This is just my opinion as a kid who grew up without cable or dish — if there truly is a show that 90% of your kids’ friends watch, and the show is going on for a long time, it may be worth switching to the other service. One thing that made me feel very isolated from other kids was I didn’t know ANY pop culture to talk about with them. Every single show was on Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon or whatever and I knew zero of them. I never watched Spongebob! It’s all very well and good to watch re-runs of 90s shows on DVDs with your family, but I definitely wished I was able to keep up with the shows all my friends watched. Or at least watch the show /some/ of the time. You can still limit the amount of TV, but sometimes the particular show does matter. This was in middle school and high school.

      If it’s a short show, like Mandalorian (only on Disney+) just let them watch it at a friend’s house.

      I agree with Red Reader the Adulting Fairy that you can just say “we picked Service X first, so we’re just an X family for now”. No need to exaggerate with “millions of streaming services” when there’s like, 4, and call it a “lifestyle”. Most people will probably assume it’s just to save money and move on, whereas “lifestyle” sounds a bit holier-than-thou.

  33. Eeniemeenie*

    Does anyone else with special needs kids feel like you love them exactly as they are? My son has special learning needs, OCD, tics, some autistic traits, and other stuff that come up every now and then. Obviously we get treatment and professional support in the areas where he struggles. But I love his personality ‘quirks’ and wouldn’t change any part of him. I cannot imagine him being a “normal” mainstream kid nor do I want him to be. I hope the world embraces him for who he is and he never feels the need to change. Neurodiversity makes the world more colourful.

    1. Vina*

      How would you make a neurotypical child feel loved as they are ? That’s the baseline formula. It’s not like children who have differences are some alien species on that front (as I’m sure you know!)

      Also, when working with children with different needs, I always try and find at least one consistent thing to connect with and praise. With kids who are ASD, if they can’t make eye contact, it might be “Oh, Billy, you have such a wonderful smile. It makes me happy every time I see you.” So many kids with ASD can’t make eye-contact, but do have facial expressions that get totally missed b/c of it.

      Make sure that you and those around you tell the child that you like they way they do X, Y, or Z. If it comes from you and others, it will help. External reinforcement sometimes means more than mom constantly telling them something is cool. This is especially true where they do something better than an average child. “Oh, Billy, I love how you always listen to your mother and hold her hand. I can’t get Johnny to do that. I’m worried he’s going to run off.” Or “you make the best towers of blocks. I can’t get them that high. Would you show me how to do it sometimes?”

      You can also tell them stories/read stories about others with quirks or differences. Teach them that being different is ok. I don’t know of any specific books to help, but maybe other posters remember them. If you can’t find books, maybe find a friend with writing skill to make one up for you.

      I’d also encourage any of the writers on this site to write short children’s stories on accepting quirks and differences. We need more of them!

      1. Eeniemeenie*

        Not much of this applies to my child in his specific situation, but nice to hear it’s working for the kids you know!

        I was initially confused by your reply and I realised you thought I was asking for advice on how to love my son. It’s sad that neurodiverse kids are bombarded with messages of “you’re different and here’s how you can change” so I wanted to start a sharing thread with others in my situation where they feel like their kid is amazing as they are and don’t need to “improve.”

    2. Thursday Next*

      Every parent should love the child they have, as the child is.

      As parents, we simultaneously have the obligation to give our children what they need to thrive in the world, as their circumstances allow. It’s a tricky balance sometimes.

      1. Anonnington*

        Seconded!

        And I’m adding this to be helpful:

        “Special needs” has taken on a negative connotation among ignorant, ableist, anti-diversity people. It’s used as an insult by that crowd. And that’s not new; it goes back decades.

        I would reserve that term for settings where it is the established, official term (medical and educational) and use different wording when addressing other audiences.

        I know that not everyone is aware of this. Again, just bringing it up to be helpful. You sound like a great parent.

      1. AGD*

        Seconded. You get what you get, and it’s the parents’ job to love and support the kid unconditionally. I see so many parents who buy into ableist ideas about their disabled kid being either a burden or not who they were “supposed” to be, or both. Breaks my heart.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Amongst my friends who have kids with special needs, yes. This is the predominant sentiment.

      The only folks I know who struggle to accept their kids are those who grew up in toxic families and never felt accepted themselves.

      They would have the same struggle in accepting typical kids, because its not about the kids at all. It’s about their own dysfunction.

    6. Altair*

      *cheers in agreement* I love my ‘little roommates’ (both of whom are now way taller than me). They’re amazing people. Their parents and I agree that the goal of any interventions is to help them become and maintain their best selves, not to ‘change’ or God forbbid ‘fix’ them.

    7. Tau*

      I don’t have neurodiverse kids, but I used to be one :) and I’m torn between happiness that this is how you see your kid and sadness that it’s apparently (still) unusual enough to deserve mentioning. I’m autistic, and like… every single autistic person I’ve ever spoken to… I think the symptoms of autism include such deep, fundamental parts of my personality and how I think and experience the world that a non-autistic me would be a completely different person who simply happened to share my name and appearance. To me, “if only you weren’t autistic” translates straightforwardly into “if only you didn’t exist”, and I don’t have much time for people who think that sort of message is OK to send to a kid.

      1. allathian*

        I’m not on the spectrum, but Elizabeth Moon’s Speed of Dark (or The Speed of Dark in some markets) resonated with me. It’s a sci-fi novel told from the perspective of a high-functioning autistic and definitely worth a read. It’s set in the near future when they can “cure autism” and the main character doesn’t want to. Definitely worth a read.

    8. J.B.*

      My kids both have anxiety, and getting a diagnosis and getting them some help was huge in helping them cope with a world that is very harsh and unforgiving, but also for me to reset my expectations. People (unfortunately including grandparents) who don’t give space miss the bright funny creative bits I get to see when the kids feel safe. Good for you to see the whole kid.

  34. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Has anyone felt during pregnancy that they aren’t “allowed” to worry about anything else?

    I’m not sure if it’s because I’m high risk or something that happens to every pregnant person regardless, but whenever I try to talk about something bothering me that’s not pregnancy related, the conversation goes back to the pregnancy.

    So far in this pregnancy, I’ve lost my job, COVID quarantine, and currently we’re trying to sell our house/buy another one which is a super emotional/stressful process. In addition to the regular stuff about being a high risk pregnancy.

    But if I confide in anyone I usually get a “oh focus on the baby, nothing else matters.” For example, when I lost my job I was devastated and my friends all said “well you can stay home with your baby now!” Or when I was worried about a test result in hte pregnancy:

    “I’m worried about the baby”
    “don’t stress, its bad for the baby!”
    “But…I’m worried about the baby.”

    Maybe I’m taking it too seriously but it kind of feels like my concerns are being dismissed….just because I’m having a baby means I have nothing else in my life to worry about? I can keep some things separate? Maybe I’m misinterpreting it?

    Anyone else go through this?

    1. D3*

      YES, so very much. In fact, sometimes it felt like I couldn’t even have a conversation about ANYTHING that wasn’t twisted around to be about the baby, the baby, the baby.
      It’s the reason I didn’t announce my second and third pregnancies until as late as possible.
      I might be gestating, but I am STILL ME AND HAVE A LIFE AND THOUGHTS BEYOND THAT.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Right? Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about the baby when I can but sometimes, I have other worries, with job, housing, etc. Would be nice to have everything else so perfect that the baby is the only thing on my mind. I announced this around 7ish months but I had slowly let it out after 13 weeks so whenever I talked to someone about the job or house or whatever, the pregnancy came up. 

    2. Not So NewReader*

      “Uh. Gee, doc, why don’t you talk to me about my specific concerns. You’re sounding a little paternalistic there when you gloss over my statement that I have concerns.”

      We have a ways to go. We’re are not “there” yet.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Funny enough, doctors have been great so far! But then I don’t talk to them about the life stuff. That mostly comes from friends and family. 

    3. Analyst Editor*

      I think it comes with the territory, and comes from a place of love. And can be really frustrated.
      I got worried about stuff during my pregnancies and luckily had people who could listen patiently and reassure me and talk to me on my level, instead of “you worry too much”.

      If you can candidly say to someone you trust, that yes you know you need to not be stressed, but you need to discuss tese issues, could they level with you and discuss them? People might be receptive.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank goodness I’ve been able to identify one or two people who can listen on my level and understand. It just felt out of left field when, like in teh example above, my friends said that stuff about being a SAHM (i have never ever ever given any indication I’d want to be a SAHM) — normally they’re great at listening and giving advice, maybe I wasn’t in the place to hear that. 

    4. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Ugh, so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re right to feel like your concerns are being dismissed, because they are. It’s like having to say “Hi, I’m up here” while pointing to your face because some people cannot stop focusing on what’s happening in your uterus. Paternalism that comes from a place of love and concern for a small human is still paternalism. Maybe something like, “I’ve got the baby handled, thanks. What I’m talking about right now is my job/house search/etc.” Optional to add: “The world doesn’t stop just because there’s a baby growing in there! Wouldn’t it be nice if it did? But what I can’t decide is whether we should list right now or…”

      This kind of overstep is so universal, I caught myself doing it before I knew what was coming out of my mouth. One of my first friends to have a baby was excitedly telling me about painting the baby’s room. And I blurted out, “You’re not going in there with all the paint fumes are you??” And then I was like, “omg, what a dumb thing to say, I’m so sorry!” When it comes to pregnant women and other people, even/especially well-meaning people, you just can’t stop stupid.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Heh now that I think about it I definitely must have been guilty of that in the past! 

    5. Altair*

      Every time a friend has been pregnant I’ve tried my hardest to be the friend who asks about and is willing to listen about the rest of her life, because I find it maddening how people expect, and try to enforce, that a pregnant person will only think about their pregnancy. I cannot even IMAGINE how maddening you find it.

      And that’s a hell of a lot of stuff that befel you! Not that the permission of a random internet celestial body matters, but you have my permission to worry about any and everything actionable. I wish I could help!

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        You know what? It does matter to me =) Thank you for the kind words. It’s been a lot to deal with.

        I promise myself I will never say “the baby is all that matters!” because at the end of the day, we’re still people with emotions and are allowed to feel things other than happiness over a baby coming.

        1. Altair*

          You’re totally welcome! And yeah, the reductive attitudes which infest our society totally warrant pushing back against.

  35. Ugh*

    I’m here to vent. I recently watched my friends kids for a day. My Christmas gift to her was 1 day a month I will giver her 9-5 babysitting for a day date with her hubby or for alone time. She has 8yr old boy girl twins. I am their “aunt”. We planned to spend the hot summer day in the sprinkler and snippy side but some unexpected thunderstorms canceled our plans. Trying to figure out last minute what to do started with us baking cupcakes, painting and ended with us playing nail salon. Nail salon is basically played with us tracing out hands and painting the fingernails nails on the drawing. At the end both kids painted my nails an array of colors. I’m ready for fashion week if anyone asks. When the weather cleared we went to the park and played football and out for lunch and ice cream. At the restaurant we ran into one of the kids family friends/ an acquaintance of mine. When we told them about are days adventures the couple started making a lot of snooty comments about the boy twin playing nail salon. They didn’t seem to mind the girl playing football. It got to the point we were all uncomfortable. The couple then went onto say they needed to talk to the kids parents about my morals and watching the kids. After they left I asked each child together and separately if we did anything that was weird / uncomfortable/ they didn’t like today. Both said they had a blast. I spoke to my friends when they came back. They seemed surprised that their little princess and rough and tumble boy both Played football and nail salon. They weren’t bothered by anything. We even set up a babysitting time for next month. This got me thinking is it ok to do different traditionally gender games with both kids? I seriously can’t be this naive and can’t believe I posted this. I’m just really bothered by what the family friend couple said.

    2. WellRed*

      You ran into some people you barely know, they carried on about the boy playing a “girl” activity, and then proceeded to say they were going to talk to the kids parents about your MORALS!? WTF backward place do you live? It’s OK to basically do what the kids want to do and it sounds like they had fun. It’s attitudes like those moralistic fools that create issues, whereas kids are so willing and open.

      1. Ugh*

        Believe it or not I live 90 minutes outside of NYC. I was so shocked by their comment…. that’s why I posted

      2. Jules the 3rd*

        You ran into a jerk. She’s the one with the problem, you’re an awesome aunt.

        A lot of times kids just want the attention of the new and different adult, and don’t care what you’re actually doing. It was coloring, that’s cool enough for most kids.

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      The family friend couple are idiots. It sounds like the kids had a great time.

    4. Anon attorney*

      If course it’s ok and your acquaintances are (probably homophobic) loons who I think you can safely ignore. Sounds like you had a great time with the kids and so did the kids. Who cares about some random person’s bizarre views about gender appropriate fun? Smh at the family friend

      1. Myrin*

        In fact, I’d say it’s not only okay but should be encouraged! I see way too many parents who seem kinda set in gender-stereotypical hobbies (like, not completely but also not not, if that makes sense? And like Ugh observed, it’s mostly boys doing “girl things” which seems to pose a problem :| ) when all that crap is purely man-made and we really should give every child a chance to encounter all kinds of things so that they themselves can decide what they’re interested in and what not!

    5. Ranon*

      You sound like a rockstar aunt/ babysitter and those people sound like sexist jerks. It’s not you, it’s definitely them.

    6. MMB*

      Those people are a$$ hats. And their ridiculous statements are just proof of that not to mention wrong on so many levels that I don’t think Dante had a hell for that. My son had a full play kitchen and occasionally stomped through our living room wearing a pair of my high heels and a cowboy hat lol. He’s now a perfectly well adjusted welder with 3 kids of his own. The girls climb trees and play in the mud and his son occasionally plays with their dolls and does “gamma’s” hair. Allowing children to explore their interests and exercise their minds and bodies without judgement is one of the most important things you can do. Good for you. You’re a great friend!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        wrong on so many levels that I don’t think Dante had a hell for that.
        I love this phrase so much.

    7. Stephanie*

      I would say that not only is it okay to do non-traditionally gender stuff with kids, it’s actually a very good thing to do. If the parents don’t have a problem with it, and the kids enjoyed it, keep stretching those gender norms. It’s good for boys to do things that are considered to be more “girly”, and it’s good for girls to do things that are more “boyish”. (In a perfect world, there would not be “girly” things or “boyish” things. It should all just be fun stuff.)

      I totally get being very bothered by what the couple said, I would be, too. But you did nothing wrong. You did a good thing.

    8. Not A Manager*

      “We question your morals” is code for “the boys are going to catch homosexuality from painting your nails.” Those people are disgusting and you shouldn’t give them another thought.

      1. Ugh*

        I don’t think in their minds moral was a sexual nature but more in the sense of traditional gender roles

        1. fhqwhgads*

          Well…yeah but people who equate morality to “traditional gender roles” are sort of inherently homophobic?

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I think you handled this really well, I especially liked the part where you asked the kids together and separately if they had a good time. But it was also very cool that you told the parents directly.

      These kids are going to learn a lot from you. They know it. And they know they will have fun doing all this learning.

      If your morals are bad, then God help the rest of us. We’re hosed.
      I hope you smile. So my friend was watching his granddaughter. She had nail polish that she was using. Some where in the story he got comfy in his chair and nodded off. He happened to be bare foot. When he woke, yep, all his toe nails were painted. Each one was a different color. I suppose he’s corrupt too??? He ended up telling everyone he saw that day what had happened. It was funny and got a good chuckle.

      Not worth much, I guess, but if I had kids then I would def leave them with a person like you and definitely not leave them with a person like that couple.

    10. Eeeek*

      Doesn’t seem weird to me at all it’s not like you forced him to wear a dress out in public or something people are sooooo weird

    11. LegallyRed*

      Ignore them. You’re right, they’re wrong. I have two little boys (6 and 8) who love to have their nails painted and play dress up with my jewelry. They are also more than willing to speak up when someone suggests an activity they don’t want to participate in, as I’m sure your “nephew” is able to do as well. (Point being, you didn’t force him into anything.) You sound like a fun caregiver and your friend is lucky to have you.

    12. Lizabeth*

      They are old enough to chose what they want to do…that said, if you have a sewing machine – teach them to sew! Or how to sew buttons back on when they fall off. Both would benefit from knowing how to do that.

      1. Ugh*

        I can’t sew a button I’m so clumsy, but we are going to do needlepoint at some point!

    13. RagingADHD*

      Gross.

      There are people out there who get wierd like that. Ignore them.

      I mean, if one of the kids didn’t want to do the activity and you pressured them into it to “make” them go against gender stereotypes, that would be manipulative, and beyond your role as friend/ sitter.

      You weren’t forcing anything on the kids either way. They just had a good time. That’s all that matters.

    14. Analyst Editor*

      I think you would be on thinner ice if you had had the boy paint HIS nails, rather than paint nails of a paper hand or yours.
      I think the line to toe is, it’s the parents’ prerogative to teach about gender roles, sex, and relationships at this age, and trying to subvert that by “stretching the gender roles” on purpose would be a violation of the parents’ trust.
      However, you know your friend and her views on these things, and obviously didn’t have those motives. I think you did nothing wrong.

  36. BRR*

    So next month I’ll be doing a short-distance move. Just a 15 min drive away. I’ll have around two weeks to move and clean my current place (rental). My plan as of now is to buy a few large plastic storage containers to use as boxes to run smaller things over the course of a few trips and hire movers for the big furniture. Then I’ll use the containers for storage (will now have a basement woo!). Does this plan have any holes in it? Any other tips for a short distance move or methods that worked well? Last time I moved was 7 years ago and it was across timezones.

    1. Ranon*

      Just make sure as you run the small stuff over you’re not stacking it where you’ll eventually want the big furniture to be.

      Movers will generally move dressers with the contents which can make things a bit easier (assuming the contents are clothes, not rocks or books or something)

    2. NeverNicky*

      We moved 400 yards away from a rented flat to our first purchased home (plus the contents of a storage unit 15 minutes away) and the hired movers moved everything and it was soooo worth it (access was/is awkward with long carries).

      They were quicker than we would have been (and partner worked as a mover through uni and for a year after), and the cost difference between us doing small stuff and them doing it all was negligible. And there were no boxes for the movers to move around.

      It meant we had the energy and enthusiasm to put everything away – we were fully unpacked and sorted in under 3 days including the stuff from my old flat which had been in storage for over 2 years and nearly 1000 books…

      The boxes we used were hired from the removal firm so there was some financial motivation to empty them though

      In terms of storage, we had redundant bookshelves (we fitted out my study with new ones) and we have those in our storage area rather than boxes as stuff is more visible.

      1. Marcy*

        Set up your kitchen first – even if it’s only paper cups/plates and plastic utensils. You will be so happy to be able to easily grab a drink or eat a snack.

      2. Reba*

        Agree with this — if you’re hiring movers anyway, just have them move the small stuff, too. They will be faster than you :)

        My last move was a short distance (5 blocks) and we only moved our houseplants and some final odds n ends on our own. I have a lot of stuff, I suppose, so that was part of the calculation.

        BRR, if I’m reading your plan right, you’re going to carry over and then immediately unpack, then go back and reuse, several rounds of stuff in your bins? I’d say no thanks to this unless the budget was really really tight.

        Some companies will rent plastic tubs for moves — you might need more than you would eventually want to keep.

        1. BRR*

          This is a great point. It’s penny wise and pound foolish. I’ve been amazed at professional movers’ speed from my last move and should cough up a little extra. Not worth several small trips (although a few will probably still be needed).

          1. Reba*

            I always think about this since the day I watched a handyman do something in about 30 seconds — and one-handed — that I had struggled with for multiple hours before calling him.

        2. Venus*

          Yes, assume that you will be doing many trips with small boxes unless you have a lot less stuff than most people. It seems like a good savings in theory, but rarely goes well.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Just make sure you put any bottles in Ziploc bags. When I moved from Queens to Manhattan I did some gradual moving and spilled half a bottle of rice wine vinegar on the floor of the E train.

      You won’t have this issue, but thought I’d share.

      I will say that kitchen stuff can be put away at your new place, so be sure to unpack it, not just drop it off. Same with hanging clothes. Basically, spend some time organizing with each trip. It will make the Big Day easier!

    4. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Bathroom & kitchen are the two rooms that I always set up first. And if you have kids then add play/rest to that. Oh, and take some basic cleaning supplies, food & drinks. For short distance moving I’ve found that going room by room works best. Pack up one room, move everything, then set that room up. It breaks up, for me, the monotony & exhaustion of doing everything at once. I hate having masses of boxes to put away and no room to move. If you can’t do room by room, make sure that you label the box as to where it goes, and put a sign on the doors, so that the boxes go in the right room.
      Hmn, for my biggest move I also numbered all the boxes and had a note book with a list of what was in each box. I had a lot that had to to directly into storage. If I needed something I looked in the notebook – oh, it’s in box 12. Made it really easy to find (most) things.
      Good luck!

      1. TempAnon*

        I moved just across town, but packed the boxes and labeled them. We did hire casual labor and moved it all in one day (except the very smallest and fragile items.

        I did use the “dots” from the office supply store. The boxes for the office, yellow dot; master bedroom – green dot; kitchen – pink dot, etc. (just be consistent).

        Then, I put the dot “legend” on an index card for each helper AND taped the “dot index card” for each room on the door. So, the office door had the yellow dot on an index card, taped to it (blue painter’s tape), etc.

        Some of my casual labor did not read english, and / or were hurrying. A quick look at the dot on the box and the dot on the door, and they could just drop and go.

        I also had designated some boxes LIFO(last in first out) so that I knew which ones were most critical.

        Then I used some totes for the very last in / first out items (like cleaning supplies, basic dishes/pan/ silverware, utensils and cooking needs).

        The boxing made me think through what to keep (vs discard), and let me get things out of the way – they went to a staging area in the house so the first big trip (we rented a truck and used the casual labor) took the furniture; I could get that arranged, then we added boxes to the rooms after that.

    5. hermit crab*

      I have done several super-local moves (the last two within half a mile) and just want to say – don’t get too lazy about it just because you can. In our last move, we just threw stuff into boxes/containers without regard to what the stuff was/where it went in the house, since we didn’t have to worry about things getting broken or whatever. But a year later, we are still looking for things – there is this mystery box in the spare room with tools and DVDs and craft supplies and I think some of those magic erasers? Gd only knows where the wrench is – we had to buy a new one.

    6. Jules the 3rd*

      I have a lot of clothes on hangers – last time I moved, I put kitchen garbage bags over groups of 10ish hangers, leaving the hooks out the neck of the bag, and moved them like that. Maybe 10% fell off the hangers in the move, but it was super easy to hang them back up since they were in the bag and the hanger was right there. I hung them up still in the bag and took the bags off over time, at my convenience.

      I did take a couple off the first day and then used those bags to hold post-move trash like tape from moving boxes.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Depending on what you put in those containers it IS possible to pack them heavier than you can lift. You may want to consider some with wheels depending on what you are handling.
      I packed bedding, pillows and other soft things into plastic bags. They made good cushioning to put in between pieces of furniture.
      You can get free boxes at grocery stores and wine stores. I like the boxes from paint stores for packing books. A box that holds 4 – 1 gal cans of paint is a nice size given how heavy books are.

      Check with your moving company. Ours told us NOT to unpack the drawers, just leave the drawers fill. I did pack my underwear and other personal things, just because that is me. I could see my bras falling out of the drawer as they loaded the truck on *Main Street*. And an evil wind comes up out of no where, I could just see this…….. Yeah. I packed them. They also took the clothes right on the hanger, which was super helpful.

      I brought over favorite lamps and small furniture that I really liked. My rule of thumb was if I was going to get upset if someone broke it, I might as well be the one to break it.

      The last minute stuff you pack up becomes the first thing you need in your new place- stuff like toothbrushes, coffee pot, bath soap etc. So you may want to take the last minute boxes in your own vehicle so you know where they are.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        if I was going to get upset if someone broke it, I might as well be the one to break it.

        Yep — nobody carries my expensive or antique electronics (I collect old computers) except me, and that way I don’t have to worry about what anyone else might be doing to them. Movers may be insured, but they can’t replace my first computer – literally, the Apple IIc my dad bought when I was three.

    8. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I have a billion books and I had packed them all up in smaller boxes that were easier for me to carry. However, when the movers came, they put the bookcases on the truck first–behind all the boxes of books, and the books were off the truck first and put where the bookcases were to go, and well, it was a mess. Make sure your movers have a last on-first off thought process. (I guess you get what you pay for.)

    9. Anono-me*

      That is exactly how I did my last move.

      If I were to do it again I would:

      1. Have the movers haul the boxes over. I wasted so much time, energy and gas money to save about $25.

      2. Get sturdy totes and pack them with the long term storage stuff now. Use much less expensive (or free on c-list) moving boxes for the other stuff that needs to be unpacked. (Depending on the storage space. I found big square wheeled trash bins to be great for storage in my apartment’s storage room and easier to move.)

      General moving tips:

      1st move of the day is best. You don’t want to waste time waiting for your movers/truck due to someone else’s moving crisis.

      Fill cardboard boxes to the top even it it is just old newspaper so they don’t collapse.

      Don’t over fill the boxes. You want most of them light enough that you could carry two at a time.

      Where is the moving truck going to park at each location? You want the truck parked as close as possible. (You are paying by the hour and there is no need to make the job more difficult than it needs to be.) Can you and a couple of friends use your cars to save a nearby space for the truck?

      If you are going to take apart any furniture; put the hardware in a zippy bag and label it. Put each bag of hardware in a single ‘Treasure Chest” box along with all of the cords and remotes. (If the furniture is going into storage; securely tape the zippy bag to that piece of furniture.)

      Have cold bottles of water for the movers and tell them which bathroom that they can use. Don’t try to ‘help’ the movers unless they ask. They have a system and insurance and liability concerns. Tips are appreciated.

      Everyone wants to move at the end of the month, and at the end of the week. If you can, try to avoid peak time. You may get a little discount and you will be more likely to get a team of full time professional movers rather than a full time professional mover with a part time helper/s.

      Always have a moving go bag with a light bulb, tp, energy bars, cash, water bottles and any regular medicine. (Yes, I have moved into places where all on the tp and light bulbswere gone.)

      Have a bunch of good quality extension cords. Any time a big piece of furniture is going to go in front of an outlet, plug in an extension cord first and have the other end in easy reach if you later want to plug something in.

      With rental properties, always take pictures when moving in and out and note everything on the preexisting conditions. (Noted “mutiple old cigarette burns” in my first place, new manager said some burns were new and tried to keep my deposit. I told her that I had pictures. I got my check.)

      Most locks can be removed and taken to a hardware store to be rekeyed. Rekeying is usually much less expensive than replacing door locks.

      Congratulations on your new home .

    10. Alex*

      I would do the furniture move first, before the small stuff, and then just run small stuff over as you put it away. I kind of did this the last time I moved–it was a slightly different situation, as I had moved all my stuff into storage except some bare necessities that fit in my car. But for my new place I was buying a new bed, rugs, and futon, and was really glad I had all that in place before I got the rest of my stuff delivered. It would have been even nicer if I could have moved that stuff in gradually.

    11. LDF*

      I moved last summer to a place about a 10 minute walk away. If you can afford it, I’d really recommend having the movers move everything. It probably won’t take them a lot longer and you will be less likely to injure yourself. You will probably have a LOT more boxes’ worth of stuff than you think. Especially since you’re close by, you might not even need to hire a bigger truck, just ask them to make another trip if needed which won’t take that long.

      During my move, the elevator broke on one end and the movers were still done in under 4 hours. So glad I had people carrying things for me!

    12. Ronda*

      the moving company I used had a charge by the hour with minimum of 2 hours…. They finished in less than 2 hours…. (1 br apartment worth of stuff, up 2 flights of stairs)

      so unless you have tons of stuff, they are probably not going to cost much more to move your boxes. They put about 5 of them on a dolly at a time and it goes quickly.

      Anything especially breakable or liquid or sensitive or you dont want to risk losing… take that stuff yourself.

  37. CatCat*

    I posted a couple weeks ago asking about inflatable stand-up paddle boards (SUPS). Well, we decided to get one and took it for a spin yesterday and it was a blast! It becomes totally rigid when you inflate it to the proper pressure. It is not as stable as a hard SUP, but still pretty stable. Shockingly, I didn’t fall off at all.

    We got the Body Glove Performer 11 at Costco and look forward to taking it on many more adventures.

    1. Blue Eagle*

      Thank you so much for posting this and for posting the model you purchased it and where you purchased it. I missed your original post and had no idea there was such a thing as an inflatable SUP. I will be using the remainder of my stimulus money to buy this particular SUP. Sweet!

    2. Washi*

      I remember your post! I think you also said you have some inflatable kayaks. I love kayaking (and have some inflatables myself) but don’t really get the appeal of SUPs. I tried one once, and ended up sitting down and paddling it like a canoe because that felt more efficient. But so many people love them! What am I missing?

      1. CatCat*

        I think they’re just fun! You also have a high vantage point to look down into the water to see things like fish. I saw a large fish yesterday that my kayaking companions couldn’t see.

    3. Hi there*

      Thanks for the update! I am happy this worked out for you. I am trying to use my inflatable kayaks more this summer, the conversation in your post reminded me I should.

    4. purple cornflakes.*

      Costco! That’s why I see so many bodyglove sups! I took my inflatable sup out today too! I’m glad you’re enjoying yours & thanks for updating.
      To the person who asked: I find sitting down and paddling much more efficient as well – I can go much faster. Some people can go pretty fast standing up, but alas, I am not one of them. The appeal, to me, is that I feel closer to the water, closer than kayaking, even. And, it’s not really about efficiency: I’m going out for a leisurely stroll, not trying to get anywhere- that’s the difference of sup/kayak to me. A kayak feels like a vehicle to get somewhere.

      1. Washi*

        Ahh I think the difference may be that in my area, the places available to do water activities either do not allow swimming or are generally considered too polluted to swim, so feeling close to the water is not a plus :) But yeah, I can see them being a fun swimming-type alternative more than a means of transport!

        1. purple cornflakes.*

          Oh yes, that’ll make a difference. I often paddleboard in the area specifically marked off for swimming, sometimes in knee-deep water.

  38. Saggy Baggy*

    I am a fit post-menopausal woman who has noticed within the past 6 months that my arms (in particular) are starting to look crepey and saggy (right now it is mostly, but not entirely, noticeable in certain positions and around the inside of my elbows). My musculature is good, though. I started looking up things to do and am sort of overwhelmed. I want to know if anyone has tried anything and if it did or didn’t work.

    1. fposte*

      Despite what a lot of buzzy fitness gurus will tell you, sagging isn’t about muscle. Aging, especially post menopause, means the skin loses its collagen and thus its elasticity. Even if you’re basically a human greyhound with no fat layer at all, the loss of elasticity can mean your skin doesn’t “cling” enough to counteract gravity. I would bet that most of the things you’re reading about what to do are total BS; all the press-ups in the world won’t bring elasticity back to your skin.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I ended up on collagen. It comes in a powder form and you mix it with water. I don’t “exercise” in the usual sense, but I do a good chunk of physical work. I think it was a good investment for me. Check with a doc, of course.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          I do want to add to this that overall protein intake is vital, and you need more as you age. Collagen supplementation is great because as you age your ability to derive collagen from food sources goes down. But all the 10g collagen supplements in the world won’t make up for a sub-75g-per-day protein intake (assuming you’re an “average” woman – YMMV)

          Examine has a great article “how much protein do you need?” That’s scientifically based and has tables based on age etc.

          I also have been using red light therapy to increase skin elasticity and reduce stretch marks. The brand I went with is Joov. While I find the benefits to be varied (sleep, energy, mood) and surprisingly noticable (I definitely thought it was snake oil when I first tried it), again, I don’t think it would have mattered as much if I didn’t first have adequate protein intake.

      3. Solar Moose*

        The idea isn’t to bring elasticity back to your skin. The idea is to fill the skin so that it no longer has room to sag.

        1. fposte*

          I misunderstood the OP’s question, but I do think it’s helpful to point out when a lot of places are making promises that aren’t physiologically deliverable.

    2. Saggy Baggy clarifying*

      Thanks, I know exercise won’t cut it. I’m thinking about procedures (other than an arm lift!) – laser or other things.

      2. TempAnon*

        I did have the arm lift. So did my step sis. (late 50s). I did great, she had keloiding.
        If you are interested in hearing about it, I can talk about it. I did all the workout suggestions (major fitness at the time, including loads of swimming). There was no way to fill out that skin.
        Note, it is still a little crepey (I’m 5 years out), but the scars have faded. Age and that collagen is a culprit (and yes, I take the collagen too).

    3. Grim*

      I learned to embrace the crepe! You earned it by making it to this point in life.
      Wrinkles count too.

    4. Creapy Arms*

      Sorry Saggy Baggy it’s part of life. I know how you feel. Nothing helps and it get worst.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I am not suggesting that you do this just for your arms, but when I started HRT it helped me with skin texture, among other things.

  39. nep*

    Recommendations for where to order prescription glasses for use with computer, with blue-light protection? I tried Phonetic Eyewear but the pair they made for me did not work for that range. Might try with them again, but wondering if anyone has recommendations or favourite sources for great glasses.

    1. My Brain Is Exploding*

      When you say “for that range” it sounds like the prescription isn’t correct for that working distance. Is that what you mean?

      1. nep*

        Right–good question. This is something I’m looking to figure out. I’ve got to check back w my optometrist. He wrote my prescription as if I was going to get progressives, but I didn’t. I got just reading glasses, with the intent to order glasses for use on the computer elsewhere. I was in contact w a rep at Phonetic, who said from my prescription they could produce glasses that would be good for computer, but that wasn’t the case–at least on first try. I need to look into this more. Do I need to get a new prescription from the optometrist for glasses that would have been mid-range of the progressives? Seems so…

        1. nep*

          (With the new reading glasses, I can see the computer clearly but only if I lean in, nearer than I would normally be.)

          1. My Brain Is Exploding*

            Ok, then they made it the rx of the near portion of your glasses (or close to it). Measure the working distance of your eyes to your computer, then you can either try having them remake for that distance or, if you have a good optometrist, with that info and your prescription, they should be able to calculate the prescription you need for that distance. (But with single- prescription glasses at that working distance, looking faraway will be blurry and looking up closer will be blurry, too.)

            1. nep*

              Thank you so much.
              Yes–I intended for the glasses I initially got from optometrist to be strictly for reading (books/magazines). I wanted to get a separate pair for the computer. I didn’t want to try progressives; I’m fine having three pair of glasses (the third being for distance/driving–reader sunglasses work great for that).
              Appreciate your input.

        2. it happens*

          Yes. My understanding is that a progressives prescription gives a distance Rx and a reading Rx (for the top and bottom range of the lens) and the lens maker makes a gradual shift which creates a probably good for mid-range area. But the optometrist can actually examine you and create a specific Rx for computer use.
          And make sure that your monitor set up is good- or tell the optometrist how far away it is…
          And I have had very good experiences with Zenni for my progressive Transisitions lenses- in or outside, distance or reading – one pair for them all. And they are very inexpensive.

            1. Ey-not-Cy*

              Yes, I have used Zenni, also and like them. Last time I ordered two pairs, one for driving and one for reading. The reading ones have the blue light filter, and I feel like they work well.

    2. Not A Girl Boss*

      Most places offer a blue light blocking lense material. I ordered online from Warby Parker and have had great results. Blue light can trigger migraines for me and migraine frequency went way down. My mom and MIL and I all love Crizal coating to reduce glare, but the actual blue light blocking I think comes from the lense material itself.

  40. Anonnington*

    How are you connecting with people during the pandemic?

    I’m always seeking to broaden my horizons and my social/professional circles. I’m also at a place where my [Friday stuff] would benefit from it. But not to derail into that territory; this is relevant to all areas of life.

    Since the COVID numbers dropped in NYC, I’ve been volunteering a lot, talking to neighbors, and looking for a new religious/spiritual community to be part of.

    I’ve been avoiding more recreationally focused in-person socializing. Obviously, a lot of people are enjoying outdoor dining, going to the beach, etc, I work with higher risk groups as a volunteer, so I’m really playing it safe.

    I keep cutting back on internet socializing, though. I do a bit here and there, but I try to avoid the pitfalls.

    And I’m still feeling kind of isolated. So I keep looking for new things I can get involved in while remaining socially distant. New volunteer projects, etc. And I’m trying to be more productive. Less lying around, more doing things.

    1. WellRed*

      I’ve realized I’m not connecting enough. I’m single and independent, but I’m realizing how little I talk to good friends and am missing the social zing I regularly get from coworkers and pub acquaintances.

    2. LGC*

      I’ve been socializing a bit with friends outside.

      I’ve still been online since that’s the safest way I feel socializing. For me, it’s either keep that and deal with any issues or just become a complete hermit.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Havent’ socialized at all since before NYC shut down in March. Missing it a lot but keeping in touch with everyone on whatsapp/text as usual.

      My friends are meeting up with each other, visiting family, travelling out of the country, travelling from other cities and going to weddings. Really feeling lonely sometimes but can’t do anything about it.

    4. Anonnington*

      Yeah, I know what you all mean. (Condensing this into one reply.)

      One thought I had is that since there’s less face to face time, should I say more by email than I usually would, just to make more of a connection?

      I just drafted an email, then thought, “This is too long and too much info,” then realized that maybe it was ok since there will be no face to face meeting in the near future, so I might as well write more of an introduction than I usually would.

      It’s odd to be questioning those kinds of things at my age, but that’s the way things are. And it’s such a small problem. I’m grateful to have avoided COVID so far, to have made all my rent payments on time and to have healthy food on the table.

    5. Altair*

      I’ve always been an epistolary person and I’ve been doing my best to keep the USPS afloat by sending out battalions of postcards to all my friends, as a tangible hello.

    6. Jackalope*

      Phone calls and Zoom of course and then the occasional outdoor get-together with one or two people at a significant distance (generally at least 10 feet just in case).

  41. Anon for this*

    Has anyone ever used PODS or a similar service to stage/declutter a home and move several states away? How many months did you have it, how much did it cost, was it worth it? Any tips would be great.

    1. Reba*

      We used the ABF U-pack service twice. In our case it was for a move, we did not store on site long (i.e. staging), and I think U-pack only allows a few days on site. The service was appealing because for one of the moves, we needed storage in between old place and new place, and it saved us from moving-unpacking, repacking-moving as with a typical storage unit. As I recall, the storage rate was competitive. The various companies offer different sizes of units so that might affect the suitability for you. We also liked the U-Pack container, it’s really sturdy compared with the U-haul version, which is plywood, and that was appealing for a long-distance move.

      On our most recent long move, we drove the rental truck, and while I found I actually enjoyed driving the big thing I sorta regretted not having someone else do it.

    2. Miss Muffin*

      We used a POD for a lot of our furniture while our house was being remodeled, which took maybe 6 months. We have some nicer furniture and wanted to protect it, so we wrapped moving blankets around the items and taped them on, for example, dining room table and hutch, even though we also tried to pack the POD full so things wouldn’t shift too much in transit. One more thing we did was buy some bags of a desiccant to keep the air in the POD on the drier side, also to protect everything.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      We used a POD last time we moved and it was great.
      20 years ago, so prices are surely different
      We rented it for a month, in-town move, their largest size
      Two neighboring households moving into one house (our neighbor became our roommate for a year).

      We loaded fairly slowly over the first three weeks, then crammed in the beds, had it moved and had an unloading party. It was worth every penny to have that time flexibility in packing everything, since all of us had full-time jobs. We did eat a lot of take-away the 3rd week after the kitchen / dining room were packed, and we were sitting on folding chairs for two weeks instead of the couches.

    4. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I used PODs to move halfway across the country in…2016?

      I can’t remember the exact pricing. I want to say $1500 or so? We rented it, filled it, they picked it up, and then dropped it off a week or two later. I was moving from my parents’ house to an apartment, so we got one of the smaller sized containers.

      The only issue for us was space. They pick them up and drop them off with one those big flatbed trucks with a crane on it. That was okay for my parent’s house which is in a neighborhood with wide roads, but it was far more challenging in the new apartment complex, which had teeny tiny driveway-like streets.

      Luckily, we had a driver/delivery person who was able to handle it, but just something to be aware of! I certainly wouldn’t let it stop you, just consider it as part of the deal!

    5. Dancing Otter*

      We used PODS when my daughter moved across the country in 2015 (I think?). Never again!

      First consideration: be realistic about your ability to carry heavy furniture from home to POD and from POD to new home. To pack properly, things have to be not only moved, but also lifted. Even soft goods can get heavy. Will you save anything by the time you hire helpers?

      Secondly, professional movers know how to shoehorn everything tightly to limit shifting and breakage. Do you?

      Thirdly, the expense of a long move is mostly the transport, more than the loading, especially if you pack a lot of the boxes yourself. So what we saved on the loading and unloading was offset by not so great pricing on the transport.

      Please get quotes from a couple of real movers before you make your decision. Moving is hard enough work without killing yourself for more breakage and little, if any, net savings.

      If you do go with PODS, be aware that their timing may not be reliable. Not every date is available; first come first serve, so reserve well in advance. Then they delivered the POD a day late for loading and three days after promised on the other end.

  42. Mimmy*

    Any AAM readers who wear hearing aids? Especially behind-the-ear types?

    I’m having trouble because whenever I take off my mask (I wear the disposable type), my hearing aids get caught on the ear straps, which often leads to dropping them. It doesn’t help that I also wear glasses.

    Aside from taking the mask off s-l-o-w-l-y, do you have any suggestions? Are cloth masks easier to work with? (which I’d prefer anyway, I don’t like how the disposable ones look). How about masks that wrap around the head?

    1. Anon for this*

      Look into those barrettes or clips that you can loop your masks ear loops into at the back of the head. It’ll raise the loops above your ears.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am also starting to see masks that tie at the back of the head. Not as easy to slip on but people are saying their ears hurt less.

        Some one just told me when this is over we will have to wear our masks backwards to get our ears back in the correct position. That was kinda funny, but I started thinking about all I have been through with my ears so these tie in the back masks are starting to appeal to me.

        You may also want to consider a shield.

    2. Anxious Cat Servant*

      Look into getting masks that tie if you can. I’ve found the fit to be far better and my ears very much appreciate not being used as holders.

      The masks that are more like tube scarfs are better than nothing but I’ve yet to find any that match the woven or disposable ones. Since they’re knit, the holes between the threads can stretch too large to filter as much as you want. Combined with physically distancing yourself and limiting your exposure to danger areas (any place people tend to be in one place talking for a while with limited air circulation) that’s probably enough but just be aware.

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Most of the cloth masks I’ve made tie behind the head. It’s slightly more fiddly to put them on but the ones behind the ear were not comfortable for me. But maybe try a paperclip on the back of your head for the disposable kind rather than over your ears?

    4. Turtle*

      I recently bought a mask with a cord that loops around the base of the neck, and then ties at the upper part of the back of the head with a toggle, so no actual tying required. Its super comfortable and stays in place. I highly recommend this style.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Hair bands with buttons! You put the ear loops around the buttons instead of behind your ears. I prefer the four button style to the two button style.

    6. Just a PM*

      I have a mask where the straps (that loop around ears) are made out of an old t-shirt instead of elastic. It’s hard to describe but basically the tshirt strip is rolled up lengthwise and when I unroll it, it fits neatly over my hearing aids.

      It also matters what kind of mold for the BTE hearing aid you have. I have such a severe hearing loss that I have the molds that fit entirely in my ear (like the earpieces that musicians wear) and while the BTE piece gets tangled up in my mask, my aids have never come out. Someone else I know has BTE hearing aids but an in-ear receiver with flexible silicone, and his aids pop out all the time when he wears a mask that loops over his ears. He has found that the kind that loops around the back of his head away from his ears works best and don’t get tangled up in the straps.

  43. Sunset Maple*

    Have you ever had to do something shady to accomplish something perfectly legitimate?

    My husband lost the only transponder key to our classic car (maker defunct). We have been to every dealership around, but none have sources or ideas. I’ve scoured online auctions and enthusiast forums. I finally got a bead on a guy who is willing to program a blank for cash only, but his business looks like the chop shop in a Nic Cage movie. My husband is meeting him on Monday.

    I am the most sheltered straight-A brownie you will ever meet, but I swear it would have been easier to buy heroin than it’s been to get this key.

      1. Sunset Maple*

        I didn’t at first either! I was going around to dealerships asking for help, totally confused by the way people were brushing me off. But essentially I was asking them to jailbreak another company’s code, which they (rightfully, I now realize) were not willing to do.

        So TL;DR: I’m essentially paying a guy to hack my car.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Bootleg programming?
      You have to wonder why “cash only”.

      As far as how his business looks, I have done business with places that I sincerely believed I would not walk out of alive. One place was this dark catacomb type place. I only went there because my friend said it was okay. There was no one at the desk. I started wandering, “Hello, helllooooo?” And I wandered through the building. Finally someone materialized. By that point I was no longer sure if I was happy to see them or if I should run.

      They did an AWESOME job at a GREAT price. I am super satisfied with their work. I’d recommend them to anyone.
      I have had to let go of the idea that messy equals rip-off. Some people who are good at their work and are in demand have little time to clean up their work space. (The place I went to, you could just imagine a scene in a movie with the suspense music building and building and the audience is saying, “Get out of there!!)

      The only thing that might be an issue is why the insistence on cash. He may explain that when your husband meets him on Monday. Your husband can decide how reasonable the situation is. Check and make sure the key works and works repeatedly. Perhaps consider getting two keys.

    4. Anonnington*

      I’ve also had good experiences with auto mechanic businesses that looked shady. Some of the best, in fact.

      The cash-only thing is probably to make sure they don’t get in trouble. That said, what if they ARE shady and they do a bad job or secretly make an extra copy that later gets used to break into or steal your car? I’d be concerned.

      Are there other options? Can you have the car re-wired so it doesn’t require a transponder key and install a different security feature instead?

      1. Sunset Maple*

        TBH this car is a thorn in my side, and I’d almost be happy if it got stolen. My husband has a habit of collecting project cars, then losing interest and letting them collect dust.

    5. WellRed*

      To all the comments on the cash only thing, I have a mechanic brother who only started taking credit cards a couple years ago ( he did take checks). Small biz, doesn’t want the expense or what have you and frankly, not particularly interested in computers etc except for the bare minimum needed. None of this is unusual, at least where I am, for certain types of business. You can still get a receipt and he’ll probably do the best job for a good price. Maybe he’s sticking the money under his mattress?

    6. Alex*

      I recently lost my key to my very ordinary car, but was unwilling to pay the exorbitant price quoted by the hardware store, let alone the dealership. I took it to a place exactly like you describe–a concrete box smashed in between a Burger King and a used car dealership. His entire business is making car keys on the cheap.

      It was fine. works fine. He even gave my lock a lube job. No, that is not a euphemism.

    7. AvonLady Barksdale*

      About 20 years ago I was having computer issues. I took the thing to Microcenter, they said I needed a new motherboard. Took it to Best Buy for a second opinion. The tech there said, “Yeah, replacing the motherboard would fix it but really you just need the port fixed. Take it to Tiny Repair Shop, they’ll do it, give them my name.” Saved me hundreds of dollars and felt weird because authorized Compaq retailers wouldn’t touch it. But i am forever grateful to that guy.

    8. RagingADHD*

      The closest thing I can think of was when we DIY renovated our apartment in NY and had to call a debris removal company (can’t put that in the city trash)

      The driver showed up early, told me a long story about how he was starting his own company, and offered to knock something like 20% off the price if I covered for him with the dispatcher and said I’d hired someone else.

      Which, no. Aside from being leery of what he might do with the waste, I’d be terrified to mess with anyone involved with waste management in the tri-state area. I like my kneecaps.

      I gave him the full price and said whatever he did was between him and his boss, and I didn’t want to know, but if they called to check I wasn’t going to lie.

    9. anonymouse for this*

      I wouldn’t be put off by the cash only deal – I remember my parents would not take credit cards in their store as they had to pay anywhere from 3 -5 % service fee to the credit card companies in order to take card payments.

  44. Shell*

    What with everything going on in the world, I’m thinking that I really ought to make a will. But I am sheltering-in-place with a vengeance, and it is my understanding (drawn mostly from reading mysteries, so maybe totally inaccurate?) that to make a will I’d probably need a lawyer and a couple of witnesses. Is there a way to make a valid will that wouldn’t require seeing people in person? (I live in Pennsylvania, if that matters.)

    1. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’d check out LegalZoom first as I know you can get a will done on there. I’m not as sure on the witness part and if that can be done virtually and/or if it needs to be notarized.

      1. Vina*

        Legal Zoom is horrible.

        I’ve never seen someone use them that was better off than a lawyer.

        I’ve cleaned up a lot of messes caused by people using them.

    2. Ranon*

      I’m sure lawyers have figured this out- when we did ours years ago the only part that couldn’t have been remote was the signing, and with everyone masked, distanced and using hand sanitizer I can imagine that being very very low risk too. And it’s possible some jurisdictions have gotten more liberal about digital signatures too.

      1. it happens*

        Exactly. All consultations can be done remotely and even signing, notarizing, and witnessing can be done in a bank observing social distancing.
        So, yes, good for you getting your house in order!

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I refinanced my mortgage last month and the whole closing was done remotely. A notary left the papers on my doorstep, then waited in his car while I signed everything. When I was done, I left the papers and my driver’s license on my doorstep, then texted him that I was done. He picked everything up, notarized it, returned my ID to my doorstep, and drove everything over to the title company. It was great. I’d bet you can find lawyers operating this way now.

      1. Vina*

        I hope to high heaven he was watching form the car and you were on the front porch where he could see you. If so, that’s ok. If, in contrast, you popped back into the house to sign where he could not see you, that’s not ok.

        To be clear on this: notarization and witnesses require a clear line of sight. You have to be in the “presence” of the person and able to see them. There are countless cases where someone “popped around a corner,” “was in the hallway,” “behind a door, but talking,” or otherwise had their view obscured. If so, that doesn’t count.

        (There is some minor state variation on this, but I wouldn’t want to be the test case).

        Most states now have emergency orders that allow this to be done via video . That’s honestly the way I prefer to do it. Safest for everyone.

        I have, however, had everyone drive up to a meeting point in their cars while I (geared up in mask and gloves), stood in the center conducting the document execution. I have also dropped of docs to clients, watched them sign through a window while talking on the phone.

        There are various ways to do this. Which your state allows and which work best are something a lawyer would know. This is really “talk to a lawyer” time.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I did talk to a lawyer — my lawyer :)

          I was inside with the door closed. I assume my title company and real estate lawyers are following state law though, since that’s part of what I’m paying them for! (I’ve talked to other people here who had it done the exact same way, so I’m guessing it might vary by state.)

          1. Vina*

            I’m removing a short thread debating this since, unlike everyone else here, I’m not anonymous and I’m not comfortable sharing further details about my own personal mortgage transaction publicly. I’m happy following the guidance of my lawyer! (Also, I’m not in California, so CA law doesn’t play into it.) But yes, people should check their own state laws on remote notarizations to be sure in their own cases! I do not want to mislead anyone about what might be required where they live. – Alison

    4. Enough*

      Going to a lawyer is best to insure everything is exactly the way you want it and it conforms with state laws. I also live in PA and my lawyer’s partner and the paralegal were the witnesses and the lawyer was the notary. You could probably do the preliminaries over the phone and email and only have to go to the office to actually sign the will.

      1. Vina*

        In most states, you don’t even have to go in to sign. It depends upon the Covid-19 orders and if the state has adopted any form of virtual presence.

        I’m doing all my will signings via Zoom unless there’s someone who absolutely just can’t (e.g., bad internet).

    5. Wishing You Well*

      You need to check out what constitutes a valid will in Pennsylvania. If your situation is complicated (ex-spouses, kids by different people, etc.), your DIY will might be thrown out in court. Also, you must be careful what you write in your will and how you phrase it. Lawyers have boilerplate language written for your state that prevents errors.
      Do your research, best of luck and stay well!

      1. Vina*

        I can’t tell you the number of people who come in and want a “simple” will (read: cheap). Then you find out they have had 3 wives, kids with each, in-laws with serious issues, etc. I tell them I don’t do “simple” for someone with a “complex” life. That would be unethical and malpractice.

        The only situations that are “simple” are where there are little to no assets, spouses were only ever married to each other, and all kids are of the marriage OR a young client leaving everything to their parents. Once you move beyond that, it can get complex very, very quickly.

    6. Shell*

      Thank you all! I’m so glad to find out that this is probably going to be doable!

    7. Sunset Maple*

      PA is the absolute worst for filial responsibility, so I urge you to consult a lawyer who specializes specifically in PA estate law. If you have children or your own parents are still alive, it could cause you difficulties.

    8. ampersand*

      Check out trustandwill.com; my husband and I plan to use them soon and they seem good.

      1. Vina*

        That’s ok if it works for you. FYI, their rates are higher than a lot of attorneys. YMMV.

        Also, I’d double-check if there is an actual attorney there to consult with you or if this is only a “you fill in the blank” form. If there isn’t a live lawyer somewhere, you are not covered by malpractice and have zero recourse if it goes wrong. If you want to take that chance to do it for a few dollars less than an attorney, I gues that’s fine.

        I can’t say this strongly enough: I get no money out of advising this. I will never know any of you. I can only tell you that I have never, ever seen any LegalZoom or online product that was worth what the client paid for it. I’ve never seen one that was better than even an “average” skill lawyer. The worst lawyer in my town does better than any of these documents. Almost all the lawyers where I am are cheaper.

        If you can find a local lawyer, you are almost always better off.

      2. Vina*

        One more thing: if you are going to use an online form factory, ask yourself if you know:

        (1) What assets pass through a will in my state? Do I know this enough to be sure? Hint: not all assets pass through a will. If you can’t rattle off which ones do and don’t, you need a lawyer.
        (2) If I do a trust, do I know how to get assets into the trust? Do I understand that making a trust does nothing if I don’t do that properly? What happens to that property if I don’t get them in the trust properly?
        (3) What happens to my estate if I don’t execute the will 100% properly? Am I ok with those results? (Hint: you need to know your states intestate laws well enough to be sure).
        (4) Am I leaving everything to one person? Are there multiple marriages? Children who aren’t yet adults?

        If you aren’t 100% certain of all of this, you need a lawyer.

        There are very, very few cases where a “fill in the blank” will is sufficient.

        Now, there are some online services that connect you to a live, skilled attorney for a fixed rate. Those are very different than those that expect you to fill in the forms and execute them properly. If you find one of those and don’t have any complexity at all, they might work.

        I have so many heartbreaking stories where people tried to DIY, but messed up. One where a lifetime live-in partner got nothing b/c the deceased partner used an online will. The estranged children and ex-wife got it all. Yes, ex-wife. She was listed by-name on a beneficiary form. This was prior to the state changing the law.

        This is not something to do cheaply or on your own.

        Heck, even non-specialist lawyers screw this up all the time.

    9. Vina*

      In my state, we can do it all via Zoom. We had a long period where it was not possible to get into nursing homes, hospitals, etc. So this was absolutely necessary.

      I’m executing a plan tomorrow for a woman I know who has to have urgent surgery on Monday. She, the witnesses, my notary, and myself will all be on Zoom.

      You can call up a lawyer and ask them. They all know.

      Also, given how tricky the video requirements are, you cannot do this without a lawyer.

      One caveat: If Pennsylvania allows ‘holographic” wills. That means all in your own hand. I would caution, however, that I’ve never seen those done properly and they are almost always the subject of litigaiton.

      This is “call a lawyer” time.

    10. Vina*

      Shell,

      You need a will, a durable power of attorney (for financial and legal matters), a health care power of attorney, and whatever form of advance directive your state uses (e.g., pull the plug).

      Talk to your attorney about what assets are probate v. Non-probate in PA. That is, which assets will pass through the will v. which assets do no.

      You should ask them how to make your non-probate assets work with your will. For example, if you have life insurance, it’s not covered by the will unless something goes horribly, expensively wrong. Ask your lawyer how to fill out your beneficiary designations for your non-probate assets to make sure they are in line with your will.

      1. Shell*

        Vina,
        Thanks so much for all this advice! My situation is relatively simple, but I’ll be calling a lawyer for sure!

  45. Stuck in the middle*

    How to deal with family drama? I feel bad for my mom because my sister and brother-in-law are (understandably) worried about Covid affecting them and their daughters. They are worried, but are being hostile about it. Every time I see my brother-in-law he is venting about how my mom needs to be careful, how his own parents don’t listen, political rants, etc. They claim they care about my mom, but they’re hurting her feelings. Now everything she does for them she’ll say, “I hope this doesn’t upset them.” It’s like they’re bullying her though.

    Is there a way to help the situation? I’m trying to remain neutral, but I feel awkward and bad that I can’t help.

    1. fposte*

      I think your goal here isn’t to fix it but to get out of the middle. The first thing I’d do is to tell the BIL you’re not here for the bitching. “You need to work things out directly with these people; it’s not fair to dump it on me so I’m out of these conversations.” And walk away if he keeps going.

      I can’t tell if your mom lives with your sister or not, but if it’s a case where their seeing her is voluntary, I’d say they can either say no, your risk exposure is too much for us so we’ll see you post pandemic, or say yes and accept that this is a risk they’re on board with bearing; saying yes and berating people for what you’ve accepted isn’t kosher. (I’m assuming here that your mother is being honest about the exposures she’s been running and that she’s not going to big parties in Arizona and claiming to self-quarantine.) If your mom *isn’t* being honest, I’d say “Mom, I can’t blame them for being upset; you’re not allowing them to make good decisions. That’s the last thing I’ll say on the topic, though, because this is between you and them.”

      1. Stuck in the middle*

        No- My mom doesn’t live with them. She was in Florida, so she is self-quarantining for 14 days.

    2. WellRed*

      Hmm, what is your mother “doing for them” and does she need to or is she meddling, if you will. BIL sounds like a peach either way, but he seems to have no problem seeing you. Also, where is your sister in all of this?

      1. Stuck in the middle*

        She’ll get gifts for them and worry that she’ll upset them or offend them. (It doesn’t take much for them to get upset though. I brought cookies with blue frosting and my nieces had green poop for a day and that caused a tizzy!)

        Where is my sister in all of this? Good question. That’s the million dollar question, Red. She doesn’t say much, so I don’t know how she feels.

        1. allathian*

          Just opt out of it. Your sister and especially BIL don’t deserve any presents because they’re behaving like this. You should tell your mom that no matter what she does, they’ll get upset. Especially your BIL sounds like a person who’ll get upset at the smallest little thing and if there’s nothing to get upset about, he’ll invent something. There are people who seem to feel like they aren’t even alive unless they’re upset. This is also the way some people react to stress, there’s no pleasing them if they’re stressed.

          For her own peace of mind, your mother should try and engage less with your BIL. Easier said than done, I know. But since she can’t please them no matter what she does, perhaps doing nothing for them might help…

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I am agreeing with fposte, just refuse to listen to it. Tell your BIL that is a matter between him and other people, you’d prefer to talk about other things.

      Mom could chose to stop doing things for them. I am not sure what those things are but if the things are not appreciated then stop. With or without Covid complication, parents can get adult children really upset by meddling too much. How much of this is Covid and how much of this is helicoptering?

      Your BIL sounds like a real peach. But it’s up to your sis to tell him to dial it back or it’s up to your parents to take a step back. There’s not a lot you can do here, except to refuse to discuss it.

      On the sad side, it sounds like BIL has a lot of panic going on and his panic is driving how he interacts with people. This is a bad plan for the long term. Those who make out best in difficult times are on the ones who work at remaining level headed.

    4. Koala dreams*

      You can tell your brother-in-law that you aren’t the right audience for his vents (or use more direct language depending on your relation), and tell your mother that you are the wrong audience for her vents. If it’s possible, you can hang out more with your sister or the children without the brother-in-law, for example taking the children for a walk or play with them outside, and go for a walk and talk with your sister. Another option is to send postcards or care packages, for example individual postcards to the children. Maybe your mother also would like a postcard now and then? The nice thing with postcards is that they don’t require a response, so you don’t need to get stuck in long, pointless conversations.

  46. nep*

    Just came across a beautiful Monet painting in a tiny nearby park. Part of a project of the downtown art museum. Just love things like that. It’s a simple little park with lovely plants, a little free library, benches, checkers/chess tables, and a sandbox. Relish the little things…

  47. Dan*

    I’m hoping that COVID-19 will be the end of tipping (particularly in restaurants) as we know it. Don’t get me wrong, people need to get paid and I’m all for it. What I’d like to see is discretionary/variable tipping replaced with a flat service charge or have the labor costs added into the price. Here’s why:

    I’ve been out to a couple of restaurants since my area has opened up to limited dine-in service. Some places have still provided service that we would expect in non-COVID times, but some haven’t. I’ve been to two places where the ordering and payment process is completely contactless. I sit down, I’m brought a glass of water, I scan a QR code, a menu pops up on my phone. I select stuff off the menu, and I order, pay, and am asked for a discretionary “tip” all up front. Then my food magically appears via a food runner.

    The thing is, in this environment, I despise/loathe/hate the discretionary tip. It makes no sense. In “before times”, someone actually talks to me, lets me ask questions about the menu, gives me advice on stuff, checks on me throughout the meal, etc. And after all that, I decide what the service was worth and reward accordingly. With this? The service is akin to getting takeout but a table is provided for you to sit at. I get it, it’s COVID, we’re all doing our best to figure things out. But in this environment, I’d really, really like to see a flat service charge, or even better, labor costs added to the menu price. The old model just isn’t appealing.

    So, what do you all think about COVID being an enabler to get restaurants to move away from the discretionary tipping model?

    1. Enough*

      Not a fan of the percentage as tip. I never did understand why the service at the local pizza joint where I spent $25 wasn’t worth as much or more than the fancy restaurant where I spent $100. But I don’t think things will change much because of Covid especially since so many people are tipping extra now on their takeout orders to help make up for the loss of business and therefore reduced paychecks.

    2. LibbyG*

      The whole institution of tipping has a TERRIBLE history; you can Google it.

      I hope it totally goes away amid the general fight for a living wage.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t eat in restaurants much, so I have no idea how common this is. But to me this sounds like a sit-down version of a fast food place. (yawn.) I am so not impressed.

      But to your point, we need to pay people a living wage. There is something so wrong in the restaurant biz. The workers are paid next to nothing and owners are screaming they can’t make any money. They don’t even pay their help, what is up with this?

      1. Dan*

        Yes. I’ve followed up separately on other comments, but yes, the places I’m referring to are places that I have previously patronized as traditional, sit-down, full service restaurants. I’ve gone out to eat a half dozen times or so since my area has reopened, and some places are doing their best to provide the pre-COVID experience. I like those places, and will happily go back and pay whatever for that experience.

        But the places that prompted me to post have essentially transitioned into a sit-down version of fast food. Heck, there’s actually a business model called “fast casual” which is upgraded food from fast food, but fast-food level service. I’m fine with that. I’m just not fine paying full price for a sub-par experience. If I have a choice between places that offer the pre-COVID experience, I’ll most likely patronize them over a place that doesn’t but expects me to pay for it anyway. Which is why I think this might be a catalyst for change, because places do need to compete for my business, and offering a poor experience at a high price isn’t it, so something will have to adjust or the establishment will go out of business.

        Least this sound like I’m a whining penny pincher, the experience I had last night was at an upscale Mexican restaurant in the city proper. Out the door was like $70 (for one) including tax and tap and a drink. I kinda really want the service that used to go with it, or I otherwise might just stick to my lower-priced neighborhood restaurants. If I do that, who wins?

    4. Anxious Cat Servant*

      In my area people are trying to tip more than normal so if anything this is going to extend our tipping culture. I’d love to do away with it entirely or at least limit it to the point where 10% for truly exceptional service is considered amazingly generous. But for that to happen I think we’ll need to shift the conversation into a livable minimum wage or UBI and then extend that to the restaurant industry. Even then it seems like it’ll be a hard-sell unless major chains start doing it and then let it trickle out to smaller restaurants. I think once we’re used to it we’ll wonder why we ever tipped but changing from one system to the other is the difficult part.

      2. Reba*

        Yep, I was a supporter of a failed local ordinance that was going to end tipping. Tipping is bad; the whole idea that customers are supposed to be the arbiters of adequate performance, that servers are naturally lazy and if you weren’t holding a tip over their heads they’d be terrible… I don’t know, it’s bad.

        But in any case, we are tipping 50 – 100% these days on our carry out.

        (I know that isn’t exactly what the OP is asking about, but there is no in-restaurant dining in my near future!)

    5. HannahS*

      I don’t have high hopes. I wish everyone was just paid a proper wage, but I don’t think that tipping will go away. What’s the impetus? Where’s the advantage to the business? If “the people working for you can’t support themselves” wasn’t a good enough reason for the business before, I just don’t see where the pressure in COVID would come from.

      1. Dan*

        IMHO, I think this is the time for that change. I was writing in the context of two experiences I’ve had at restaurants that I’ve previously patronized that have been the traditional full service thing. These latest experience at these two places were rather akin to fast casual restaurants where you order and pay up front, eat, and leave, and you don’t get much in the way of wait-staff service. Historically, I tip less at those establishments than I do at traditional full services places. I think my point here is that I don’t think full-service costs/pricing and discretionary tip expectation with fast-casual service is going to be a viable business model. If I have to pay up front before service has been performed, I’d much rather a flat service charge be disclosed and added to the bill. In the future, I can decide if that is a place I want to return to at that price point, or not.

    6. Eeeek*

      I think if we get rid of tipping quality of service will go way down. Wayyyy down. Because restaurants are going to raise their prices enough for people to make $40-$60 an hour. I don’t know a single service person who would want tipping done away with. I absolutely would not have when I waited tables. Where else can you make $400 a night with no degree?

      1. Dan*

        I wrote this in the context of two outings I’ve had in the last couple of weeks where service has already gone *way* down. If this is the model of the future, then the payment and compensation paradigm will shift. The reality is, for the cost of a proper sit down meal, I’m more likely to patronize establishments that provide proper service. My experience is mixed — two of the places I wen to had pre-COVID levels of service, and I was happy. And at two other places, the only service was provided by the food runner. In the long run, “food runner only” service won’t be a viable business model if people are still expected to pay pre-COVID level tipping.

        Don’t get me wrong. People need to get paid, and it’s ultimately going to be paid by the consumer. It’s this discretionary “decide how much the staff should get paid before you even know what kind of service you’re going to get” that I’m objecting to.

        1. ThatGirl*

          I’m happy to tip ahead of time right now, because times are weird and tough and if I can afford to tip 25% why shouldn’t I? Helps them, doesn’t hurt me. I don’t believe in skimping on tips unless the service was truly horrendous, in which case I’d just as soon not go back. I see it as supporting the restaurant as much as the individual service worker.

        2. Morningstar*

          Aren’t the restaurants who are offering minimal service doing a better job of protecting patrons and staff from COVID? And shouldn’t that be the priority right now?

          1. Dan*

            I don’t think there’s clear answers to that. Where I live, there’s been a progression from takeout-only, to full-service outdoor seating, to indoor dining but at reduced capacity. The best protection would be to shut all of the restaurants down and even eliminate takeout, no?

      2. ThatGirl*

        I don’t think any waitstaff expect to make $50/hr? Sure, sometimes you can make that much in tips, at high end restaurants, but I doubt most waiters are making anywhere near that in an average week.

        We’ve long treated service jobs as “fallback” jobs that anyone can do, to our detriment.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I am sure many waitstaff don’t even hit minimum wage. Last I heard it was still legal for businesses to pay $2 per hour. Rain storm one day, snow storm the next day can mess up the hour rate beyond repair for that week.

          I saw an article where the writer wanted to know why we have kids in charge of our food? It’s amazing more of us aren’t hospitalized. It’s not reasonable to assume a newbie worker would know all the ways that food can become non-eatable or all the different ways food can become dangerous to eat.

      3. pancakes*

        I’m in NYC and there are a few high-profile restaurants here that did away with tipping well in advance of the pandemic, starting in 2015. Some have gone back to tipping, but not all. There’s a 2018 Grub Street article titled “Why Tips Won” that details this movement and the reasons for and against. There are still people in the industry who support the idea, though. The wages you’re contemplating seem way out of touch — are they based on something in particular?

      4. Jackalope*

        I disagree with your conclusion that service quality will go way down. It’s terrible that we allow someone’s wages to be determined by the whim of customers (who may have an issue with tipping, or may tip the cute servers better, or could just be having a bad day….). In what other field do we allow the customer to decide directly what the worker’s pay will be by choosing how much to pay for doing business with them? Having wait staff know ahead of time that they will be paid an actual livable wage is not going to make them provide lousy service, or at least it hasn’t in the non-tipping countries I’ve been in. And they’d still have accountability since they could still get fired if they didn’t give good service.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Yeah – those of us in salaried jobs don’t perform poorly because we don’t get tipped on every task/project we complete. The same can be expected of servers. Another insidious implication of tips is the amount of emotional labor customers have learned to expect from servers. It’s not enough to just be polite, answer questions, and provide good service. You have to overperform friendliness. It’s weird.

          (Also, in the U.S., I don’t think it’s normal to earn $400 per week in a restaurant unless it’s a very high end one.)

      5. Belgian*

        Tipping is not a thing in my country and we still get decent service.

        Tipping has been shown to lead to horrible discrepancies in what people earn based on things that have nothing to do with the service they provide, like race or gender. Women have to put up with horrible sexual harassment so that they do not lose out on a tip. That is not okay.

        1. pancakes*

          +1. I haven’t been to Belgium but when I’ve visited other countries where tipping isn’t a thing the service is not worse, not at all.

        2. lazy intellectual*

          In European countries, I found the service in restaurants to be fine. Maybe the servers are a bit more brusque, but honestly I don’t really care about small talk and all that. In Italy, a lot of restaurants charge a cover fee – probably to cover the cost of customers occupying seats. The servers were all super friendly, brought me my dishes on time, answered questions if I had them.

        3. Felis alwayshungryis*

          Same here. And, in all honesty, I *whisper* didn’t enjoy the service I got on trips to the States. It was all too much. Too obsequious. Too attentive. I can pour my own water, yes, the meal is great, thank you. I felt bad, because they just seemed so desperate.

          I know some people put a lot of stock in service, but I guess I have different priorities. I want them to be polite and competent, that’s all. It’s a business transaction, they’re not peasants scrambling for my lordly pennies amid the crumbs of my lunch.

    7. lazy intellectual*

      This is a huge hot take of mine. I’ve always hated the tipping system. It’s so dumb. It’s a way for businesses to exploit workers while simultaneously shifting the blame of underpaying workers onto end-use consumers if they don’t tip the right way – something that isn’t universally obvious. I mean, hopefully those of us who live in the US long enough learn how to tip, but many foreign tourists won’t know. There is also difference of opinion as to whether 15% is enough in big cities, were COL is so high.

      Of course, because of the system we are in, I always tip the same amount regardless of service because it’s not fair for workers who put in several hours of work to get less tips because they’re having an off day. But it’s sucks that some people have a huge portion of their paychecks based on the whims of random customers.

      1. Kiwi with laser beams*

        “shifting the blame of underpaying workers onto end-use consumers if they don’t tip the right way – something that isn’t universally obvious. I mean, hopefully those of us who live in the US long enough learn how to tip, but many foreign tourists won’t know.”

        As a former foreign tourist in the US, I appreciate you SO SO MUCH for acknowledging this. It upsets me when American businesses want to make money off foreign tourists but then not only do they not communicate with us themselves, they forbid their tipped employees from communicating with us about it too. And then when that results in damage to the employees’ income, Americans direct all their anger at the foreigners because that’s easier and more popular than calling for any meaningful change to how and why this happens. I took the system seriously the whole time I was in the US, but I noticed that the majority of American businesses didn’t care whether I knew that I needed to pay their employees separately. I don’t know what system is going to be best for Americans, but I do want to remind Americans that we can’t read your minds.

    8. PX*

      As a non-US person who is always unbelievably stressed out whenever I’m there if I’ve remembered to tip enough, please let it die. It’s a completely ridiculous system and I’ve been wondering the last few weeks if restaurant workers are even making above minimum wage right now.

      From what I remember reading on the topic, if tips aren’t enough (because eg not enough people show up or they all tip badly) in theory the restaurant should make up the difference but that’s unlikely right? Or are they just completely exempt from minimum wage laws? In which case they could have shown up to work and earned like $20 for the night?

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I could be wrong but my understanding is that tips are considered part of the wage (rather than on top of the base wage), so it basically reduces the portion of the wage paid by the restaurant. I believe you are right that if there aren’t enough tips due to lower number of customers, the restaurant does need to pay the difference, since they are required by law to pay the minimum wage. Both minimum wage and wage laws vary a bit by state, which makes it more confusing.

      2. sequined histories*

        Legally they are a required to make sure the server’s wages don’t fall below the legal hourly minimum, but I seriously doubt most restaurants do so.
        Also our legal minimums are often grotesquely low relative to the cost of living, which can be absurdly high if you have any kind of medical problems or live in a high-rent area.
        We really idealize work, while tolerating a system in which people can work 60+ hours a week and still lack adequate money for food and shelter, and there’s not much of a safety net either.
        I have personally known a lot of people who seemed personally warm, kind, and generous while not seeming to have a problem with this aspect of our social order. It’s a paradox I’ve never been able to explain to my own satisfaction. In general, though, there seems to be an excessive concern that poor people will somehow be rewarded for “lazy” behavior—even though poverty itself seems to require a lot of extra effort from people as they cope with one crisis after another.

    9. LGC*

      Gratuitous tipper (to the point where I tipped $5 on a pizza delivery order at a place that has a service charge, the guy got lost for 20 minutes – I live on a main street, and the shop is about half a mile away – and when he offered to give me my tip back I was like, “nah man you’re good”), and I…agree with your end conclusion, actually!

      But I come at it from a different perspective. Like, I don’t think servers should have to worry about whether they’re going to get paid less if they don’t do a good enough job. I mean, I don’t have to worry about not making rent if I make a mistake at work. Why should the service staff at my local restaurant or my pizza guy? Like, if prices went up at least 20% but I didn’t have to tip…that’d be ideal for me, actually. Plus, I have enough decisions to make in a day, sometimes I want to drink a margarita the size of a goldfish bowl without worrying about what my server is making per hour.

      I’m hoping that we finally decide that tipping is cancelled in 2020. We’ve already cancelled everything else.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Yep – all of this. I feel bad for the amount of servers that miss out on tips because people are too drunk to do math. I appreciate the few places that allow you to check off the percentage on the receipt (if you’re paying by credit) and automatically charge accordingly.

  48. Jessen*

    Things to do with leftover resume paper ideas!

    Inspired by a post earlier and people talking about having piles of leftover resume paper. I’ve been using linen paper to make signs for around the house. Print out some text and maybe a fancy pattern (I’ve found lace patterns can work beautifully) on linen paper. Glue onto cardboard or posterboard backing so it doesn’t curl, and paint over top with modge podge or clear furniture varnish. I made a very nice set of signs for my dresser with little lacy bats on them this way.

    I’m also looking to maybe try making paper mache jewelry with it, but I haven’t tried yet. Could be fun for making custom pendants though.

    Anyone else got fun ideas for using fancy paper?

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Paper cutting art? Google if you’re not familiar with it, the pros are jaw-dropping. And simpler cuts are lovely too. (We did silhouettes when I was a kid.)

    4. Effie*

      I do 3-D origami! There are beginner-friendly patterns out there, and it’s very soothing.

  49. Partly Cloudy*

    Part of me wants to make a point about these “Patriotic Flag Napkins”: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Patriotic-Flag-Napkins/582101366

    It’s against flag code (not only does the US Flag Code prohibit printing the flag on disposable paper items in general, it specifically mentions napkins). https://www.military.com/flag-day/us-flag-code.html

    I’m wondering whether the people who invoked flag code as the reason they boycotted the NFL after Colin K knelt during the anthem — are those same people ok with these napkins being sold, and with the way Walmart has labeled them “patriotic” even though they’re a direct violation of flag code? I want to open people’s eyes to their own motivations — they might have told themselves that their opposition to Colin K was about flag code, but if they’re ok with these napkins, clearly that wasn’t the reason… and maybe some soul-searching is in order as to why they didn’t want someone bringing attention to the way Black people are treated in this country.

    But I’m not sure how to draw attention to this… (call a radio talk show? write a letter to the editor?) and also I’m scared of sticking my neck out. What do you think? Should I be speaking up about this, and if so, where/how?

    1. Senor Montoya*

      I admire Colin K. And I’ve used paper napkins printed with the flag many times over the years. I’ve had jeans with a big flag patch on the a$$…

      My point is, I don’t think you can make any sort connection between the two behaviors. Many many many people use products that violate the flag code. If you want to make a point about violations to the flag code, that’s cool. But I would not include accusations or insinuations about the political or ethical position of people violating the flag code.

    2. RagingADHD*

      This issue has been around for a long time, and many of the folks you’re targeting were the same ones who got up in arms fussing when they started printing bikinis and boxer shorts with the flag on.

      Personally, I think that ship sailed a long time ago, and this kind of common use has been normalized to the point that the only response you’d get would be folks who agree with you.

      It’s very oblique. I do think the issues are worth speaking up about, but why not speak more directly instead of straining for a “gotcha” moment that’s unlikely to land.

      If you don’t have a platform already, finding one is really going to depend on your local situation. A conservative talk radio show isn’t going to put you on the air with a point like that. And a liberal show won’t be heard by the folks you want to reach.

      You may need to start with folks in your personal network who need to have their ideas challenged, if thats what you’re looking to do.

      1. Partly Cloudy*

        Thanks, Raging. I did end up starting a little bit of a dialogue with my parents on Facebook. I think it might have made somewhat of an impression on them, and who knows whether it might even have a tiny ripple effect in their circle of friends. Either way, I feel better for having spoken my mind.

    3. Morning reader*

      Sing this:
      “Your flag decal won’t get you into heaven any more,
      It’s already overcrowded from your dirty little war,
      And Jesus don’t like killing, no matter what the reason for,
      No, your flag decal won’t get you into heaven anymore!”
      -John Prine
      (But no, speaking out won’t make much difference on this. My usual objection is the constant flag flyers, who don’t take them down at night or illuminate them, or let them become ragged with wear… but then they want to send people to prison for not “treating the flag with respect.” Argh. I can’t even…)

    4. Analyst Editor*

      Of course it’s not about the flag code, just like most of our controversial issues/scandals aren’t about That Object-Level Issue.

      Colin Kapernick’s gesture is political and meant as such, a signal supported by one “tribe” and explicitly against the other. Flying an American flag, whether you take it down or let it fray, is also a political statement, especially these days. The napkins aren’t political. If you pointed out the napkin issue to someone using the napkins, they’d probably just thank you and stop buying them.

      1. kt*

        Your reply kind of doesn’t make sense. Yes, Colin K’s gesture is political, but I am not sure what ‘tribe’ it’s against (I thought he was protesting the killing of Black Americans by police, rather than a group of people). What political statement is made by flying the US flag? And if there is a statement made by flying the flag, why would flag napkins not be political? The form factor, or the fact that the napkins are disposable, or what?

        The last sentence supports the OP writing a letter to the editor for local publications! A lot more people read the local stuff than you’d think, and it would make a difference in your own community.

    5. Not Our Flag*

      The image on the napkins is not our U.S. flag. It is flag-like but doesn’t have the correct number of Stars and Stripes. Not a code violation.

  50. All Hail Queen Sally*

    I need advice on buying a new tablet and I hope that those of you with more experience than me (which is any one of you) can help me. I am older and not too good with technology. (I do not even have a smart phone.)

    Three years ago, a friend gave me an old tablet of hers (Verizon/Android). I loved it–especially once I learned I could link with the library to download library books, which is the main thing I used it for (also, a little bit of facebook and googling). Then after two years, it died–ran out of memory. I deleted everything I could, but it no longer had the power to download a single a book. So I switched over to a Samsung tablet I had won as a door prize at a conference the previous year, and for about a year, all was well. However, about a month ago, the screen of the Samsung tablet went dark one day. It just shut off. I googled it, and apparently it is so common that is has a name “The Samsung Black Screen of Death.” (I am not making this up.) I took it to a computer hospital and after poking and prodding and disconnecting things and reconnecting them again, it was pronounced seriously ill and only a new screen ($110) will fix it.

    So I think it would be better to buy a new one, but I am not sure what brand would be best. The prices vary a lot–I have seen them from $40 to $400. Obviously I will avoid Samsung now. But I was wondering what other people think? I am open to any and all advice! Thank you in advance.

    1. Dinoweeds*

      Do you use it only for reading books? If so, you should get a Kindle! If you use it for all kinds of things and not just reading books a Kindle Fire is a good option as well.

      1. Colette*

        Do kindles allow for library books now? I know they didn’t used to, but that may have changed.

        1. Teacher Lady*

          Yes! I got a Kindle Paperwhite for Christmas and have been supporting my local library by checking out ebooks since March!

            1. Laura H.*

              A lot of public libraries also use apps to help digitally serve patrons as well. So while there might be app to download so you can access materials, yes, that is a thing! :)

        2. Senor Montoya*

          Yes. You can use the Libby app, which allows you to check out e books, which you read right in the Libby app (I think it works well), or on a kindle.

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        I have a friend who swears by her Kindle. I do go on to facebook, Instagram and google things here and there, so maybe I will check out the Kindle Fire.

    2. Nicole76*

      I was going to recommend a Kindle if all you do is read books. Or you could check out the Amazon Fire tablet. It’s a bit limited as far as apps go, but at the price point it’s nice if you’re not doing much on it.

    3. Washi*

      Third the recommendations for a kindle! I know amazon sucks…but it seems like you’ve gone through two tablets in 3 years, while my 1st kindle lasted 5 years, and my current kindle has been going strong for 3. Another e-reader might be just as sturdy though, so that might be a direction to go in if you’re mainly reading books.

      1. Enough*

        I have 2 kindles. One I bought new and the other used. They are 3rd generation that first came out August 2010.

    4. Colette*

      I have an iPad – they are expensive, but very user friendly (for example, changing to a new device is very easy, just log in and everything appears like it was on the old device.)

      But androids like your Samsung are more flexible (e.g. you can add extra memory) and can be a lot cheaper.

      Another option would be to get a smart phone and use it instead of a tablet. (Not my preference, I like a bigger screen.)

    5. Ktelzbeth*

      If you like to check out library books and are thinking about Kindle, check the specs of your library’s program and your proposed Kindle carefully. I love my Kindle, but the library “upgraded” to a new digital books service (Cloud Library) a few years ago and now only Kindle Fire is compatible, so I’m out of luck unless I get a new device.

    6. Jamboree*

      Off you ONLY read books on it I’d be on the Kindle bench. But if you do any surfing / email / Facebook (and it sounds like you do) you might want to think about purchasing a refurb from Apple. IDK off linking to commercial sites is okay (sorry if it’s not) but here’s their refurbed iPad page: https://www.apple.com/shop/refurbished/ipad

      The main advantage (after price) is that they come with the full Apple warranty. Good luck shopping! (ETA I meant to add that iPads come with the fully functioning Kindle app preloaded.)

  51. Creapy Arms*

    I rent a mobile home in a 55 older park, I have a lease until Dec.2020. I just bought a mobile home 2 doors down from the rental. They told me to give 30 days notice of breaking the lease and then I will have to pay Aug. and Sept. rent, plus they keep my security deposit. What reason would they keep security deposit for? There is a waiting list to rent in this park so, they would have no problem re-renting. I also have to put 500.00 security dep. on the lot I’m going to rent for the home I’m buying. Can I do anything about this? Are they legal on what they are doing?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Most likely legal. Check your lease; it should have a clause in there outlining penalties for breaking the lease. A lot of places will transfer the security deposit if you move from one rental to another in the same complex, but some don’t. What they’re doing isn’t nice or even reasonable, but if it’s within the contract you signed than you don’t have a lot of grounds on which to fight.

      Are you renting from the park or from an individual? If it’s the latter, then yeah, they won’t be inclined to help you out.

      My building’s penalty for breaking the lease is three months’ rent barring explicitly laid out circumstances, for what it’s worth.

    3. Selmarie*

      If there’s a list of those waiting to rent, do you have the ability under your lease to sub-let? Probably hard to find someone who’d only want to rent for 2 months, but who knows?

    4. Ranon*

      If there’s a tenant’s rights organization local to you, I’d get in touch with them- what is and is not legal varies a ton by jurisdiction so someone local is the best place for advice.

    5. Not A Girl Boss*

      I went through something similar and it turned out local law (Florida) was on my side. It prevented landlords from collecting more than the actual loss of income, and required them to make a good faith effort to rent the apartment.

      So I ended up losing a total of 1 months rent – since it took them a month to rent the place – but not the security deposit and not the months beyond that.
      Security deposits are also protected by law and they have to be able to enumerate exactly why you don’t get them back.

      If they choose to be absolute jerks about it and you don’t want to shell out for a lawyer, you might try negotiating them to allow you to sublet the place through December.

  52. tangerineRose*

    The company that holds my mortgage has recently offered to refinance my mortgage. I’d pay a lot less each month, which would be nice. I keep thinking “What’s the catch?” I’m guessing they want some money to refinance. Is there anything I should watch for?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Interest rates have been really low so it could be a good time to do it. (I just did mine.)

      They’ll send you a list of closing costs before you’re locked in. You’d want to look at how much you’d save in your monthly payment and how long it will take to break even from the closing costs. So if you’re saving, say, $300/month and your closing costs are $8,000, it will take you 27 months to break even (8,000 divided by 300 =26.6 months). After that, you’ll be saving money. So you’d need to know you’re going to stay in the house longer than that.

      You can also roll the closing costs into the new mortgage, but then you’re paying interest on those costs for the life of your mortgage, which generally won’t make sense to do if you have the cash to pay them up-front.

    2. Morning reader*

      This may vary, but when I refinanced once, it started the 30-year clock over again. If you were planning to stay and be mortgage free someday, check the loan term. Otherwise, lower monthly payment sounds good!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        With mine I had the option of taking a 15 year loan or another 30 year. I opted for the 30 year because it made sense for my setting, I felt I could pay it down as opportunities occurred. And I did, I am on track to pay it off in 17 years. My goal was an immediate reduction in expenses, the 30 year was less dollars per month than the 15 year. So the longer loan fit my immediate needs at that time.

    3. Saturday*

      Piggybacking on this — anyone know how hard the process would be (or whether it’s impossible) if you’re trying to avoid seeing people/having them in the house? Does refinancing usually involve a new inspection, etc? Thanks!!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Mine didn’t involve an inspection or anyone looking at the house in-person. I think sometimes that can vary, though; I remember when I was on the phone for the initial application, they looked something up to determine if I’d need one and I didn’t (but I don’t know what they checked to decide that). Talk to a mortgage broker and they can guide you through everything! (And if anyone is in the DC/MD/VA area and looking for a mortgage broker, email me and I will give you the info for mine, who I loved.)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I had to have my house inspected for a refi, I don’t think it’s avoidable. But also I don’t think the inspector saw a damn thing the day she was here. She was having a bad time as she suffered two big losses in her life. My inspection went through no problem. And if you saw the list of what was wrong here, you’d be amazed.
        I have also had my house inspected by insurance people and it passed then also. I don’t think banks are going to ignore what they are putting their money into. They are going to ask to see it.

        I do think that refi mortgages are easier to get through than the first time an owner applies.

        I had another friend who had to have a VA inspection. These are a bit tough. But she hired a handyperson to fix some of the bigger problems. Some problems just got patched as in a temporary fix and that was enough to get through inspection. She did manage to get a list of things they would check. Perhaps you can find a list of what they are going to check. It’s amazing what they do not care about.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’m going through a FHA streamline refi currently and there’s no inspection required, so it depends on your lender and the refi program :)

        2. Canuck*

          My understanding is that they want to know if your home is worth at least a certain percentage more than they are loaning you, so that if someone defaults then they are less likely to lose money. That percentage varies in many ways, so for example if you buy a home and want a mortgage for 100% then they charge you a higher rate to offset their risk, plus they are more strict about wanting to confirm the value of the home. If I put a lot of money down at the start, or I’m refinancing later and have a lot of it paid for, then they are less likely to want an inspection. Or, in my case, if you buy a condo and all the places are nearly identical then they can compare to other sales to know the cost. Essentially they don’t want you to pay $500k for a $300k home, give you a mortgage for $400k, have you default and discover that they lose $100k plus costs. If you want a $300k mortgage for a home where the land value is $500k then they won’t care one bit about the state of the home.

          (I’m not in finance, just someone who works with numbers and risk in a different field)

    4. Surprised*

      Wow, this is so different here in Canada!

      Years ago when there was a big drop in interest rates I refinanced my mortgage (with the same chartered bank as the original mortgage). Closing the first mortgage incurred a penalty of three months interest, which was definitely worth it. And that’s it.

      No inspection, no other fees, no fuss.

      I am now mortgage free, I am so happy to say, and I attribute that in large part to the refinancing, and this strategy:

      With the refinancing, I kept my payments the same as before (since I was used to paying that amount and could afford it), and since the interest rate was lower, paid off the principal faster.

      I had changed from monthly to weekly (or alternate weeks? It has been a few years so I am not sure) payments years before that. I had sat myself down with a spreadsheet, and worked out that it cut years off my repayment, no matter what the interest rate was.

      I had a great personal banker, I would tell her how much I wanted to pay on each payment, and she’d throw that into the formula and amortize the mortgage accordingly.

      I think it is definitely worth looking into.

      1. Colette*

        One thing I did was that I took the original payment and immediately increased it to the next 100 amount, so I was immediately paying off more principal. (Also in Canada).

        And then, whenever I renewed, I would make sure that I could pay that amount. (Usually I could doubly my payments without an issue.) BUT I would get the mortgage with payments set at a lower amount. So if I was used to paying $500, I wanted the official number on the mortgage to be, say, $300. I would immediately up it to $500, but if I lost my job and needed to, I could drop to the lower amount without penalty.

        I also know that my mortgage had the provision penalty was 3 months interest OR the difference between what they would have made on the old interest rate vs. what they’d make on the new rate. So if interest rates dropped from 4% to 2%, you’d be responsible for paying that extra 2% until the end of the mortgage.

        So read your contract and make sure you understand it.

          1. Canuck*

            It’s likely the difference between variable and fixed. I get variable because it has so much more flexibility. I can pay off more and faster. A family member complained about how they had to move for work but couldn’t sell their home because of the penalty, and rented it out until the mortgage expired a few years later. I didn’t give them the sympathy they wanted as I hadn’t made the same choices (I try to have sympathy for others but not when they happen to be mean).

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Early payment used to be a big deal. I did ask that question when I refi’ed and there was no penalty for early payment. Sure enough, I got some money ahead, and put it on the principle. And there were no problems.
              I think it’s important to ask that question, even though they are probably writing less mortgages that way now.

              1. Colette*

                In my experience, you could pre-pay a certain amount (something like doubling your payments + once annually you could put down up to 25% of the original balance?). But it depends on the type of mortgage (e.g. open vs. closed) and a lot of other stuff – which is why it’s so important to read your contract.

    5. Not A Manager*

      We just refinanced. We had a 15 year fixed rate and we were almost 8 years in. The new mortgage restarts the 15 year clock (good) but the rate is only fixed for part of the term. I can’t remember but I think it’s 8 more years. After that it’s a variable rate with a cap on it – but it’s a high cap.

      So double check that your rate is fixed for the entire term of the refi, OR be sure that you are okay with a variable rate in the future. Remember in 2008 a lot of people suddenly had high interest rates and not enough income, and their “housing will never lose its value” did lose its value.

      We are okay with a variable rate in the future because we are saving the money we would have paid toward the mortgage in order to cover the remainder if we need to when the rates change in the future. Hopefully interest rates will still be low and we won’t need to, but we can if we have to.

      Also be sure there’s no prepayment penalty.

      Disclaimer: I’m not a financial professional, just a person who once got a mortgage.

    6. Pam*

      There was a Washington Post article yesterday about this- breaking down how to tell when it’s a good deal.

    7. LDF*

      If you google “zillow refinance calculator”, you can put in all the numbers and it will tell you how much you’ll save per month and over the full loan term, and how long it will be until the savings offset any one-time fees. There are lots of calculators like that online, I found that one to he the most user-friendly.

      I would also consider shopping around a bit because why not? Multiple hard pulls for a refi within a certain time frame shouldn’t ding your credit more than one would, I think, though I am no expert here.

      1. LDF*

        Oh and as far as a catch, I don’t hink there necessarily is one, I have to assume at least part of them reaching out is knowing that otherwise you might refinance somewhere else which would lose them lots of interest on your loan. Or not, some lenders are surely shady, but it’s very possible you’ll break even relatively quickly and save money over time.

      2. Dancing Otter*

        That’s correct, multiple credit checks within a short period only count as one. Generally, an individual will only close on one mortgage or one car loan at a time. It’s not like multiple credit card applications.

        Regarding loan term and monthly payment. If you restart the term, your payment will be lower even with the same interest rate, because the original principal amount is lower. However, you end up paying far more because of paying interest for a longer total period of time. Check the total cost disclosure, not just the monthly payment amount.

        Also, if you have an escrow for taxes and insurance in your current mortgage payment, be sure you’re comparing P&I on both loans. If you aren’t required to have an escrow under your current loan, verify whether the new loan will require it. (Unlikely with the same lender, but terms and conditions may have changed, and another lender will have their own rules.) Escrow isn’t necessarily a bad thing, just something you want to know about up front, and check their escrow analysis.

        Look at PMI, too. If your equity (excess of market value over loan balance) is above X%, you may be legally entitled to drop the PMI, but lenders don’t go out of their way to tell you that. (It’s been years; I don’t remember the percentage.)

        It has been over a decade since I worked for a mortgage lender, but this is just general information that wouldn’t have changed much.

    8. Um, yeah, no*

      For a refinance I shopped for the best rate and fees from different banks and credit unions. We got the best rates and no fees from a credit union. We went from a 30 year loan to a 10 year fixed rate loan for only a little more per month. They did not do a home inspection, but the value of the home was 3 times more than we owed, so your situation may be different. Also check for early repayment penalties. The credit union also guaranteed they would never resell the loan, another plus.

    9. Senor Montoya*

      We refi’d a few years ago. Cut 25% from our monthly payment! The various fees, points, etc were paid for w those savings pretty quickly. Tax deduction reduced but not enough to get anywhere near the savings. Run the numbers, but it’s often a good financial move.

    10. WG*

      I’m not sure how common it is, but the bank that holds my mortgage has a note modification option rather than a full refinance. You have to already have your mortgage with them and be changing the term of the loan (e.g., 30 year to 20 year). The fee, which is significantly less than closing costs, can’t be rolled into the loan; it has to be paid in full at the time of the modification. I believe there was an updated credit check for all people on the loan, but no inspection was needed. Might not hurt to ask if this is an option with your financial institution.

      Changing the term of the loan did increase the monthly payments, but the decrease in interest rate meant that in my case the increased monthly payment was minimal. For me, the long-term savings from lower interest was more important than a lower monthly payment.

      As other have suggested, it’s helpful to use one of the online calculators to see how your situation bears out for savings versus closing costs/fees.

  53. Anxious Cat Servant*

    Anyone else finding themselves turning into a hypochondriac right now? My public job has just restarted so I’m out among people (all of us masked, fortunately) about 10 hours a week in a COVID-19 hotspot. I also have GERD, which causes occasional coughing, and it’s allergy season so there’s that plus the chemicals my job uses tend to irritate my throat and lungs just a bit. Basically, I’m coughing more frequently than usual but there’s so many reasons that could be true. And yet each time I cough I find myself doing a full-body check – do I have any body aches? Am I feeling warm and should I check my temperature yet again? Was that a wet cough or a dry cough? Is my digestion working per normal? How’s that sense of smell?

    It’s not the best for my anxiety and it’s frustrating. And it’s tough to get tested in my area (despite being a hot spot) so I can’t even do that to allay fears.

    Anyone else dealing with this and how are you keeping yourself from becoming paranoid?

    1. nep*

      I can relate. It’s gotten a bit better over the weeks/months, but especially at the beginning of the pandemic, every little abnormal thing I felt, I’d touch my forehead…I worried: Is this it? Is it starting? Will I be one of the severe cases? And I’ve just had to breathe deeply and tell myself to take one moment at a time, remind myself that I’ve felt malaise before that passed relatively quickly (or at least after a night’s sleep) on its own. And even if it’s an illness coming on, panicking will only harm me. I breathe and just think I’m going to take things one moment at a time.
      It doesn’t help me to ‘fight’ or avoid the thoughts–that seems only to strengthen them. So I just take a few minutes and breathe through whatever I’m thinking. Just thinking aloud here…don’t know whether any of this speaks to you.

    2. Anonnington*

      I went through some of that during the COVID peak here in NYC. It was a good thing in that it motivated me to stay vigilant and follow the precautions.

      I say keep going out of your way to be extra safe. But if the anxiety becomes counter-productive, take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to feel better.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      We have a tendency to lean in the direction of events and people around us. Perhaps you can take in less news, less media. Or maybe building up an interest in foods and nutrition is an appealing idea for you.
      It’s pretty normal for negative things to drag us down. One way we can respond to that negative tug is to beef up our game. What pro-active can you do to help your health, what appeals to you?

    4. ..Kat..*

      I am a nurse working on a hospital unit. The dry air in the hospital, my GERD, my allergies, and the hospital masks we use are all contributing to my coughing, sneezing, and red eyes. So, I have the reverse problem of yours: I have to convince my patients and their loved ones that I am not sick and therefore not endangering their loved ones.

      No advice, just commiseration.

    5. Anono-me*

      I got a pulse ox monitor ($30 aprox) and have been using that frequently. (One of the more common symptoms is low oxygen.)

      1. Anxious Cat Servant*

        I got one and that’s been super helpful! Except when I don’t realize I’ve hit the button twice and thus turned the display upside down and have a mild panic attack when it looks like my blood oxygen level is 86 (98 upside down).

    6. Not A Manager*

      Yep. Every time I cough I think I have COVID. Also sometimes I feel a weight or a tickle in my chest.

      So, first of all I remind myself that I’ve been feeling this way since February and it hasn’t been COVID up until now. If I’m still concerned, I take my temperature and use my pulse oximeter. At that point I decide that I’m either going to feel better, feel the same, or feel a lot worse. And I decide to wait and see.

    7. LGC*

      Same here. I live in New Jersey, which is prone to a high amount of allergens…in late March and April. (And it was a warm winter here, so pollen season started in earnest in March.) You can IMAGINE how that was – like, I’m only half-joking in saying that every time I coughed I was convinced I was going to die.

      I just isolated as much as possible, physically tested myself to see how I was doing, made sure that – yes – I still had my sense of smell. That’s the really troublesome thing – I couldn’t get tested, and I didn’t want to take a testing slot away from someone who needed it.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I have seasonal allergies, too and from time to time I’ll have a tickle in my throat that kind of feels like it might be the beginning of a sore throat, but so far it keeps going away. I’m also suffering from a bit of allergy-induced asthma. I bought an oximeter for around $30.00 and also a digital thermometer. Nothing really usual shows up with the oximeter, but I keep taking my temperature and it varies a lot during the day. It starts out like around 97.2 when I wake, then goes up as the day goes on. Usually it will get up to around 97.8 or 97.9 by 5:00 pm, but sometimes it will get up to 98.2 or so. One day last week it was up to 99.2 but I took a nap and when I woke a couple of hours later, it was back down to around 98.2 again so I hope I’m O.K.

      1. Anxious Cat Servant*

        I’ve learned so much about my temperature since this began. I am not a doctor but from what I’ve read it’s normal for your body to wake up a bit cooler and then for your temp to rise a full degree (give or take of course) by afternoon. Plus, since I’m female, I’ve got that variable going in. I had a bit of panic last month when my temp was a little over a degree above normal until I realized that I was probably ovulating. Another time I was really stressed out due to other factors and my temperature was 1.5 degrees above my normal. Apparently that’s a normal thing for a body to do – who knew? So likely (and hopefully) that’s all that’s going on with you.

        Since before this I’d only taken my temperature when I felt sick, this has been quite the insight into my body’s daily functions.

        1. Chaordic One*

          With it being summertime now in the northern hemispheres, I’m never really sure if I might be hot because I have a fever or because I’m physically exerting myself, or because the temperature is in the mid-90s during the day. If I get chills it might mean I’m getting sick, or (more likely) that I’ve been sitting in a draft caused by the air-conditioning. LOL!

          I really think I’m probably O.K., but thank you for commenting and pointing out that body temperature can vary throughout the day. I didn’t know that before.

    9. Anxious Cat Servant*

      Thank you everyone who replied! It’s comforting just knowing I’m not alone. I have a couple digital thermometers (my job gave me one as a welcome back present, along with fabric masks, so that was nice) and a blood oximeter so both of those have been my first defense. Even with those, though, there’s that nagging worry that I’ll be one of the ones who won’t run a fever and am I SURE that little oximeter is accurate? Which is ridiculous since it gives consistent readings for both me (97-99) and my husband (95-97).

      Going back to my public-facing retail job has been harder than I expected. I’m glad to be back and my store’s management is doing an amazing job of keeping all of us safe, including a bouncer at the door enforcing the mask rule and limited capacity, but it’s still nerve-wracking. Especially when my body reminds me how long it’s been since I’ve spent 5 hours straight on my feet and gets achy and my lungs aren’t happy with all the cleaning chemicals I’ve breathed in. So the day after I’ve been around people I’m coughing and achy … it’s a bit unnerving.

      Thank you all for your advice!

    10. Courageous cat*

      To be honest with you, from one hypochondriac to another – I think we should be paranoid. We are constantly told we shouldn’t be paranoid about other facets of our health, especially because stress can exacerbate it, but these are special circumstances and this is a pandemic. It behooves you and everyone else around you to be paranoid, and to perhaps overreact and do a full-body check every time you cough. More people should be doing the same.

      Tldr: most of the time our anxiety is for nothing and we try to discard it as such, but this is one of the few cases in life where anxiety may be warranted and actually may be a useful tool for once.

  54. Knots*

    Has anyone done any of the DailyOm courses?

    I really miss going to fitness classes. I know there are good ones on fitness blender and such, but I need accountability. I’m thinking the 2 or 3 week courses DailyOm offers might jumpstart me getting into healthier routines.

    1. nep*

      Happy to know about this–just looked it up. I hadn’t heard of it. I think I’m going to try a course. Thanks.

    2. mreasy*

      Doyogawithme.com also has some great 14- and 30-day programs. They’re my favorite of the online yoga sources as I find their instructors very clear.

    3. Effie*

      I like Leap Fitness’s Splits in 30 Days app – Leap Fitness has a ton of other apps too (ie flexibility, building strength with body weight, etc). There’s a free version which just means you watch an add before and after the workout of the day. I love it, I can set my level each day, and I can set a daily reminder. They also have built-in rest days every 5 days.

  55. Jessie*

    Guys, I got myself in serious trouble. I live in a country in the Middle East, which is st the peak of the coronavirus pandamic. Thankfully, the rate of infection is not as bad as other countries like Italy etc. However, my FB timeline is filled with relatives of sick people trying to find a place for their loved ones who have the virus or news of people who passed away from the virus.
    The government took some measures (like closing schools and cafes) etc but the rest of the measures were wishy washy and useless. I.e putting a curfew at 8 pm. As if the virus, goes in effect only at night. Otherwise, the government urged the people to quarentine and self_isolate from home if they could.
    My husband and I took this very seriously. He worked from home, our kids didn’t go out, we had our groceries delivered etc. It’s been tough really, but we wanted to protect our family and flatten the curve. I do know some friends who also quarentined and tried to be responsible. But unfortunately, most people didn’t. Especially, my extended family, who were going about their lives like there is no such thing as corona existed. They celebrated birthdays, had barbecues you name it.
    In the middle of all this, there was a controversy in the family over my brother’s wedding. It was set for June 26 and he was adamant to go ahead with it, despite the fact that we were in the middle of the peak and public gatherings were banned.
    This caused a rare uprising in the family, where our relatives on my mom’s side said the can’t make it, because several of them have diabetes and also they have kids etc. They wished him well but they said, they won’t make it. This gave me hope, because I very much against the wedding go ahead in the peak and I was so used to standing alone in the family. So, to have a rare show of support made me happy. I though that if we stuck together, my brother may be convinced to postpone a bit. But my brother is the golden boy of the family. He is probably the most popular person in the family. And all he had to do was go on our WhatsApp family group and write an optional appeal asking them to please attend because he loves them and it wouldn’t be the same without them. And what do you know, the whole family did a upturn and told him that of course, they will attend.
    I was the one who stuck to my guns and felt abandoned a bit. Family members who just a couple of days were calling my brother “selfish” for going ahead with the wedding, were now excitedly talking about what they will wear. And they also began pressuring me to go. If I lived by myself, I would have gone. But I have a husband and two kids, and I was worried about infecting them. I even called a doctor and asked if I could do the test right after I return from the wedding and staying at my mom’s until the results came out. But it would take days, and I can’t leave my kids with my husband alone. I was tormented but also furious. I couldn’t believe they were risking people’s lives like that.
    My brother’s wife called me before the wedding and told me that she understands my decision not to go and assured me they are taking a lot of steps to protect guests. They will sit people apart, give sterlizers and masks in gift bags, put markers on the dance floor so people stay far apart etc. I was still sad not to attend but I thought at least precautions will be taken and my family will be safe.
    The wedding was yesterday and I was so sad and money all day. We are Middle Eastern, not attending my brother’s wedding was unheard of. My therapist, prescribed me a tranquilizer to calm. (I have severe anxiety) But I was agitated all day.
    Then I woke up today and it was over. I felt relief and kind of happy that I kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything and just let them have their day.
    Then they started posting photos and videos of the wedding on the family whatsapp group and oh my lord, there were zero precautions. Nobody wore masks or gloves, people were literally on top of each other on the dance floor and trying to take pics. I was furious, but tried to hold my tongue. I really did. But then I don’t know what happened. I just lost it. I asked on the family group, why there was no social distancing or masks, which then led into an all out argument with then where I didn’t hold back. I told them, they are rich and spoilt and think the virus infects only to poor people. I said they are insensitive and have contributed to the virus spreading.
    And now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I spoilt my bro’s happiness by losing on the family group the day after his wedding. Basically, I ruined his first day as a married man. But I also feel that they had it coming. It’s been building up for months. And now I don’t know what to do? I’ve pissed off my entire family? Should I apologise? But I don’t want. Or should I just leave it?,
    ps My brother is 41 and was married before and has two teenage daughters, so he is supposedly mature
    ps My dad owns a very successful business. My bro works for him. His wife and her mom started working in the business 1.5 years ago. A lot of people think the mom is a gold digger. I really think his wife loves him, but yes the mom gives weird vibes and was the one who was insisting that the wedding does not get postponed

    1. fposte*

      I think first, that as in any family situation there’s a lot of family baggage clouding the issue that doesn’t necessarily have to. Second, that your deciding not to go was utterly reasonable. Third, that yelling at people after the fact isn’t going to help anything–they can’t go back and not do the wedding now, and I do think that the day after the wedding wasn’t the time to yell at people.

      It’s legitimate to be mad at them for holding the wedding and for failing to take precautions. But it sounds like a lot of this was about your frustration at the grief you were getting for bowing out, which isn’t their fault, and you’re almost never going to be the good guy berating people in front of their family for their wedding the day afterwards. I’d apologize; you don’t have to say they were right and it doesn’t mean they were, but you can say this has been an upsetting time and you’re sorry for lashing out at them as a result.

      1. Jessie*

        I wasn’t lashing at them for bowing out. I said from the begining that I will not attend if the wedding did not get postponed. There was mounting pressure in the last week to push me to go, but I was honestly scared. My anger was because they called it a “corona wedding” and promised endless precautions. And there was nothing Zero precautions. Not even having the mask around their necks and using it casually. Nothing. How selfish and stupid can they bem

        1. Akcipitrokulo*

          I get it. It’s the anger and the disbelief and the frustration and feeling of helplessness. Whatever happens, I am glad you kept your family as safe as you are able.

        2. fposte*

          Okay, but you still lashed out (and you said it was building for months, so it seems like it wasn’t just the actual wedding). What did you want to accomplish with your message? Are you okay with not having a relationship with them going forward, or with their kids?

          I think what they did was monumentally stupid but I think what a lot of people have done in the face of COVID is stupid, and if it’s something they’ve already done and they’re not going to do again, I think the only thing accomplished by berating them is making a relationship adversarial. You can state your disappointment without yelling at them in front of everybody.

          Maybe you’re still too angry to talk to them, let alone to apologize, and I certainly wouldn’t try unless I could do an apology that doesn’t have a “but . . .” in it. And you’re certainly not the only person on the planet who’s gone off on risk-taking relatives. But when you get to things you can’t change, it’s worth considering what kind of future you want and family connections you want post-pandemic, and what your reactions will do to affect that.

          I’m sorry. You’re not wrong about the folly of their actions.

          1. tangerineRose*

            What they did was stupid and careless and will probably get a lot of people sick.

            Telling them this after the fact is probably not going to help much. It might be worth apologizing for the outburst without taking back what you said.

          2. Jessie*

            Hi, when I said that it’s been building for months, I meant since March, when the first corona cases were detected in our country.
            The other issue that upset me, is that at some point, half the family was scared to go, but instead of calling my brother , they would call ME and rant to ME. This went on for months. They helped build up my anger and then did a massive u turn and left me feeling confused.
            But you right, I shouldn’t have lashed out like that. I’m an idiot.

            1. fposte*

              You’re very much not an idiot! Your point was right, and this whole thing has been very stressful for you. I think a lot of us are finding our decisions to be less than perfect as a result of corona stress right now. You also don’t have to decide what to do right this minute; you can take a day and see if the emotions have settled a bit then.

        3. MatKnifeNinja*

          You can be right, or you can have a relationship.

          I’m with you I wouldn’t have gone. I have two sets of relatives that flew to Florida five days go with ZERO precautions Partying like they are on Spring Break at age 60. Totally insane. No masks. Nothing. I wished them well for their trip. I can’t control other people.

          I saw a doctor three days ago, where the waiting room had really no social distancing. The office staff wore no masks, the med assistants wore them under their noses, and the doctor pulled his down to talk me. My state requires mask for indoors. I have no choice with this useful idiot. I need prescriptions renewed. He’s a specialist, and I’d have another 3 month wait to see someone else.

          I think you owe them an apology, in so much you did what you wanted to (not go), and they chose the other. You not going got your point across. Believe me. It spoke volumes. A rant after the fact does not nothing but burn bridges and hurt feelings.

          I live in an area with a high population of Middle Eastern folks, so I get the golden boy issue. That wedding was never not going to happen.

          Make your apology about your actions. Leave the wedding out of it. Work with your therapist if you feel it’s too hard come up with something.

    2. Akcipitrokulo*

      Oh wow – that sounds so hard for you.

      Totally understand going off on one. It probably wasn’t the best action, because the damage had been done, and your audience had a vested interest in not being on your side, so were never going to accept they messed up. (Which they did by the way.)

      If you want to, you can apologise for how you said it or for bringing it up at that time without apologising for your completely legitimate feelings on it. Maybe something like sorry for losing my temper; it is something I feel very strongly about, and was very scared for all the people I love there, but I shouldn’t have expressed it as anger.

      But only if you want to.

      If not, then maybe explaining to one or two – maybe your brother – that you love them all and were scared they may be harmed – and you hope this can be put behind you. If you get brother onside he may be able to talk to the rest?

      tl:dr – IF YOU WANT you can apologise for the tone & timing without apologising for the message.

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        I did go through something a little like this – but nowhere near that level of danger – when my brother objected to my calling people who don’t wear masks (without legit reason) as selfish, and it transpired he doesn’t because he’s selfish and doesn’t like them, so has chosen his sources of info to justify it in his mind as not having concensus. Like climate deniers.

        I felt so betrayed.

        Like I had always believed that he was a good person who wasn’t selfish and listened to science. Then as soon as he didn’t like what science said, he started researching like an antivaxxer.

        I got over it… but the hurt was real. And I don’t trust him like I did a couple of months ago.

        1. Jessie*

          I understand. My brother thinks that corona is “just a flu.” He doesn’t quarentine or takes any precautions. And he keeps citing numbers of people who survived. yes, thankfully many people survive, but we don’t know how each person will react. Snd right now in our country, the situation is bad and people can’t find beds. We are a third world country and totally not equipped with a pandamic like this. I’ve heard of people dying in the car, because hospitals refuse to take them. But oh well, let’s have a wedding!

          1. Akcipitrokulo*

            Yep.

            It is so frustrating.

            I know it is hard, but it really can help to accept that you cannot fix this – and let yourself go through what is effectively a grieving process for it. You can’t fix it. You want to, you can’t believe you can’t, you are furious at the people who won’t listen, you start thinking “if I do this…”…

            What you CAN control is keeping you and your household safe. Holding onto that can help.

    3. Insurance mom*

      I’m sorry you lost your cool. You didn’t ruin his first day as a married person. You did NOT tell any lies. You just reached the end of your limits. Maybe apologize to your brother and wife for blowing off steam and say a prayer for all those who may have been too close together and hope against hope that in two weeks you find out nothing has come of it. You kept your family safe and you can’t control other people you were not wrong!

    4. ..Kat..*

      Can you apologies for ‘how ‘ you expressed yourself (the angry lashing out)?

      Maybe, cut down on the amount of time you spend on family social media?

      I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You are being very careful to protect your immediate family. And that means you missed out on what is normally a wonderful, important family event. And, you are being pressured and put down for not attending.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I’m so sorry. I can totally understand your lashing out, and I can understand why you feel bad about it.

      Here’s what I suggest. Send a very short message on the same WhatsApp and say something like, “I want to apologize for how I expressed myself. I love all of you and I want everyone to be happy and healthy. The virus is very upsetting to me and I’m scared for all of us. I’m going to take a break from the family WhatsApp for a little while so that I can deal with my own feelings about this.”

      Then really take a break. Don’t engage with your extended family at all right now.

      After you talk with your therapist and talk with your husband, in a week or two you might have a better sense of how to reconnect with your family.

      1. WellRed*

        Agree with this, especially the wording. Also, hope your family is OK but if they turn into a cluster outbreak, this all becomes moot.

        1. Jessie*

          Nothing happens to them. And I don’t mean to jinx it. But they are going to parties and barbecues and birthdays and they don’t get infected. And that’s how they’ve shut me up every time I talked about this. ” Look Jessie, we just had a party and nothing happened, Why don’t you loosen up for the sake of your kids? Take them out?” It’s beyond patronising when people are dying.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I really like this. I would explain that your outburst came from a place of fear, you fear that you will be left with NO family. And that is scary.

        In my family, we all get in a funeral procession and head up the Jersey Turnpike in the middle lane doing 100 plus mph in bumper to bumper traffic. (I guess there are no side streets in Jersey?) My family sees nothing wrong here. It terrifies the crap out of me. They laugh. They don’t see that dozens of us could be lost in one accident, they just don’t see it. And there is no explaining it. How ironic it’s a funeral.

        In my situation, I had to quietly decide for myself that I am done doing this. And this is where you may have to go. Just quietly and firmly say no to these invites until it’s safer to do these things. There are times in life where we walk alone because we absolutely believe we have made the right decision for ourselves. The price is pretty steep and sometimes I ask myself what the heck am I doing this for anyway? Self-checks are a pretty healthy thing, so it’s probably not a bad thing that I question some of my choices.

        There is no winning in your situation like there is no winning in my situation. If they all get into a big accident and prove me correct, I have STILL lost. The best we get out of it is that we protected our own selves and those who live with us. It feels like a big “loss” with little to no “win” component to it.

        I agree with others who said apologize for the way you said it. Don’t apologize for not wanting your family to get very ill or worse.

      3. 653-CXK*

        +1 million. I like this wording and the sentiment behind it.

        COVID-19 has warped our sense of what is normal (to paraphrase Alison’s famous phrase about toxic jobs). In the past, no one would have blinked an eye about these celebrations, but since the pandemic, the rules of being social have changed – we cannot be together in close quarters as the disease thrives in those conditions. Yet, people figure, “heck no, ain’t gonna affect me,” and a few weeks later, you get a phone call saying, “Hey, I just tested positive for COVID-19.”

        You did the right thing by not going to your brother’s wedding for fear of getting the disease – you did it to keep yourself safe, and you would have regretted it if you were asymptomatic and then given it to everyone. You were justified when you saw the wedding pictures and no one was masked or did anything remotely safe. You exploded because you saw this lack of concern and recklessness and are afraid for people that they’ll get the disease.

        Take a break from the social apps and your extended family. Once you get a better handle, then you can go back and reconnect with your family.

    6. LGC*

      You are giving yourself way more power than you actually have by saying you ruined his wedding.

      I can’t speak to cultural norms in your country, but…I’d like to direct you to the post last Monday about the LW who went to a job interview where no one was taking precautions against COVID. (Or as the subtitle so artfully says, “how to make a scene when you need to make a scene.”) It probably wasn’t helpful to start an argument after the fact (because they can’t un-spread any germs), but I totally understand why you went nuclear on them. Regardless of whether anyone gets sick or not (I hope they don’t), it was genuinely reckless of them to go ahead with the wedding, especially in the way they did (in a pre-COVID way).

      If you apologize for anything, it should be your words and your words alone. You might have said things in a hurtful way, but I agree that the things themselves (i.e., pointing out how reckless everyone was being) needed to be said.

      Also, I’m writing this from the US (we’re finally #1 in something, and it’s COVID!): the first infections here were in wealthy people – or at least people who had the means to travel around the world. So if they’re acting like it’s just The Poors that meet Miss Rona, they are sorely mistaken.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Indeed, about the wealthier folks. Here in NY people returning from Florida have tested positive. So here we go…

      2. Jessie*

        Believe it or not, that’s exactly word for word what I told them. I told them you are spoiled and rich and you think only poor people get corona. Sigh.
        We are in Egypt by the way. Our numbers are nowhere near as bad as the US, but they are enough to make our health system collapse. I think we are one of those countries where people did not from the virus, but from not able to get a hospital bed or ventilators when needed.

        1. LGC*

          Believe it or not, that’s exactly word for word what I told them. I told them you are spoiled and rich and you think only poor people get corona.

          There’s a slight difference – I criticized their actions (“reckless”) more than their personalities (“spoiled”) or their social status (“rich”). It sounds like I’m splitting hairs, but it’s actually kind of an important difference, in my opinion.

          That said, whatever you did “wrong” (calling them names in a WhatsApp chat) is like 0.01% of what they did wrong (holding a full-on large wedding in the middle of a pandemic). I guess what I should have emphasized is that…honestly, I don’t think you need to apologize, but it seems like you want to apologize.

    7. Martine*

      In my opinion you were 100 percent right and they were 100 percent wrong. I don’t think you need to apologize because you did not do anything wrong. They were out of line and nothing you said was untrue. I’m sorry your family is being so awful and irresponsible OP. Hugs if you want them.

    8. valentine*

      Everyone is too far into each other’s pockets. It doesn’t sound like you enjoy living by committee and I can’t tell if the committee is because it was a wedding or if this is the status quo: Anything you do, everyone votes and seeks a jury-like consensus. It’s worrisome that you would try to ignore your instinct and good reasoning to comply with the family verdict. Did your husband back you up? Did the fam pressure him to go as well?

      You’ll need to set boundaries on how you move within this structure and how and when you’re going to object to past actions your family deliberately chose and can’t change. I think your chastisement was mostly about feeling left out because you lost the argument, golden boy won (again), and now everyone else has these great memories without you. Had you not commented on the recklessness, would you now feel better, the same, or worse? Would everyone have been happy with their choices and no one would harp on your not going? Would you like not to have to hash everything out among 10+ people? Would you like to dial back and have more contact among smaller groups of relatives? How are you going to navigate the next conflict?

      1. Jessie*

        My bro told me that he expects not only me, but my “husband and kids.” too. But honestly, there was no pressure. I think it was mainly me they wanted.
        For me, the most shocking one was my cousin. She called me regularly before the wedding and did not hold back. She called my brother “selfish, irresponsible, not caring about people.” She complained at how inconvenient the wedding is and how she will have to quarentine for 14 days and not see her elderly mother in law. And then boom, she made a u turn. And not only did she decide to go to the wedding, but to stay three whole days at our family estate where the wedding took place lol. That’s the person who was was worried about staying a couple of hours at the wedding. Now, it’s three days. And when I asked her, she said “well, if you can’t beat them, join them,”and laughed! What the hell?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This is good information to know about your cousin. Some people’s walk does not match their talk. And it’s important to know who those people are.

          Honestly, the only thing I have ever found to do with this stuff right away, is just to look at myself and figure out how I can make sure I am doing a good job of matching actions to words. But in the long run, you can figure your cousin will take a stand and then back down from it. That is handy to know.

            1. Jessie*

              Basically, I decided not to say anything an d just stay quiet. But I woke up to two bad news. My friend’s aunt died from corona and a very famous actress who has been hospitalised for 43 days with the virus also passed away. This actress is very popular and active and actually got the virus while filming despite being 86. People were really upset and (scared) by her death. So, I decided to put a link to the news on the family group. My mom and aunt offered prayers for her soul. But then my cousin followed this by a joke about corona, to which my brother’s wife (the new bride) responded by laughing. At this point, I told them to at least show some respect to the person who just passed away and exited the bloody group and that was that.

    9. lazy intellectual*

      I would stop feeling bad if I were you. Your decision not to go was the right one. You blowing up on the family chat probably not productive, but I don’t blame you. I mean, I wouldn’t recommend doing it again, because it doesn’t actually make you feel better and uses up emotional energy in the worst way possible. But I wouldn’t bother feeling guilty about it.

      I come from a similar culture. There is a strong belief in my culture that older people and men can NEVER be wrong, and thus aren’t held accountable for anything. I think your relatives deserved to hear what you said to them, but I would refrain from expending energy into that in the future for your own sake.

    10. Courageous cat*

      Damn. This is genuinely a tough one and I feel for you because I’d have the same feelings. I think this may be above our paygrade though. I hope it blows over for you sooner rather tahn later.

    11. Observer*

      I say, leave it. You may want to mute the family WhatsApp for a couple of weeks till all the wedding talk dies down.

    12. tiasp*

      Also, you didn’t ruin his first day as a married man, so let go of any guilt you feel about that.

  56. Purt's Peas*

    Are there any changes in language that you can remember happening over your lifetime? Not politically, just everyday things.

    For example, I’ve been watching the back catalog of This Old House, a reality/documentary show about home renovation; episodes from 1981 are not heavily edited. A ton of people onscreen will say “fine” instead of “sure”. The host will say, “can we take a look at that lathe?” and the person will respond, “fine!” This sounds SO rude and passive aggressive to my modern ears, but with context I can tell it was absolutely reasonable at the time. I have no idea when people stopped saying “fine” in this way.

    I know it’s hard to summon up a memory of such everyday language, but I’m really curious if there’s anything all of you can remember, or if you see some language shift going on right now!

    1. Shell*

      I love languages, and I love this question! Both my examples are from politics, but I don’t mean anything political by it.

      Anyway, I don’t remember anyone ever using “Homeland” to refer to the U.S. until after 9/11. I was in my early 30s at the time, and the first few times I heard the term it really struck me as new and strange. Also, I don’t know when Americans started using “red” and “blue” to refer to Republicans and Democrats, but I’m almost positive they didn’t do it until the late 1990s or early 2000s.

        1. Old and Don’t Care*

          Wow. I remember watching Election Night for Carter/Ford (I was eight), and distinctly remember the color coded states. I had no idea they weren’t the same red and blue we use today. I will have to process this.

          1. Dancing Otter*

            They used the colors in the news graphics earlier, but people didn’t talk about red and blue states other than that.
            I still see campaign yard signs with red AND blue, and I wonder which party the candidate is. Of course, Illinois… maybe they want to be ambiguous.

      2. Kiwi with laser beams*

        The red and blue are the opposite in New Zealand! Red = centre left, blue = centre right.

        1. Venus*

          My understanding was that they were opposite in the US as well before then. I don’t think the color differences were used as much, but I think many countries assume red = left and blue = right, including the US years ago.

        2. Tau*

          The red/blue distinction in the US confuses me because AFAIK red has been heavily associated with the political left internationally for at least a century and it always confuses me to see it flipped. Did the Democrats not want the association with socialism or something?

          Germany is heavily into colour-coding its political parties, and it’s similar for us. The centre-left and further-left parties are both red (so you’ll sometimes hear about a “red-red coalition”), centre-right is black, far-right is blue, FDP who is… kind of libertarian-ish? is yellow, greens are obvious. :’) And the two parties sharing red is almost certainly because the Left didn’t want to give up on the association with historic worker’s rights movements etc. by moving to purple or whatever, so… yeah, always funny to see the Republicans being red in the US.

      3. pancakes*

        These are good examples. There’s an online etymology dictionary that says homeland was “Not in Century Dictionary (U.S., 1910); in more extensive use in U.S. after 2001.”

      4. sequined histories*

        Before 9/11 I only ever remember “homeland” being used in reference to the apartheid system in South Africa, to the point that I found it bizarre and creepy when we suddenly started using it in reference to the United States.

        2. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          Yeah me too. I found it extremely strange when we started using it in America.

      5. Perstephanie*

        I’ve thought about that switch to “homeland.” My take:

        In the 80s, during the Oliver North / Iran-Contra era, the phrase “national security” was used a TON, so much that it became a kind of joke. “I can’t answer your question because of national security.” “I’m not going to tell you for national security reasons.” “You can’t question this decision because national security.” As I remember, it was akin to the way corporations today use the phrase “it’s for your convenience” or doctors say “you may experience discomfort” — it’s so often misused that people stop taking it seriously. It’s like shorthand for “don’t trust me.”

        After 9/11, though, we kind of needed a phrase to refer to actual national security — without all the cynical, eye-rolly implications. Hence “Homeland Security.”

        I’ve no idea if anyone shares this take. I think “national security” has lost some of its jokey quality in recent years, but in the 80s and 90s, I remember it as mostly a kind of “nyah-nyah, you can’t touch me, sucka.”

    2. Enough*

      Change in how harassment and economics are pronounced. The more prevalent interchange of I and me in particular and the change in how pronouns are used in general. No problem for thanks or you’re welcome.

    3. Anonnington*

      I’m still adjusting to putting only one space after a period when writing. This, for example. And not this.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I want to know when people sent out the memo for this, and why I missed it? The first time I heard about this was a rather snippy article in the Slate that frankly made me want to add extra spaces just to mess with the author of the article. OK, I’ve seen a bit about it here and there since, but…

        1. Anonnington*

          Yeah, I had the same reaction. I think it was just a few years ago. When I was in grad school 10 years ago, the style books still said to use two spaces. And my example of that above didn’t even work. It was auto-corrected.

          I can see how the single space is easier to read online. I think it looks more cluttered in print, though.

    4. Washi*

      Ok, maybe this is just me, but does anyone else feel like there’s a lot of therapy language that has entered the common parlance? Emotional support, safe/unsafe (in a psychological sense), boundaries, holding space, triggering, etc. Plus I hear “anxious” in contexts where I think previously someone might have said worried or nervous.

      I love that therapy and paying attention to mental health has gotten more mainstream, so overall I think it’s a good thing! But I think 2005 me might have found some discussions to feel oddly clinical.

      1. Washi*

        Also “feel like” as a synonym for notice/think seems like a more recent thing :)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Adults use to correct children, “You feel with your fingers, you think with your brain.”

          We seem to require a lot of softening language, more so than ever. Saying, “I think” can be intimidating or make one formidable.

          I still laugh when I see “feel” instead of “think”. I am aging. Definitely.

      2. Enough*

        It started years ago with sharing. Sometimes that made sense but most of the time I just thought what was wrong with telling.

    5. MinotJ*

      The use of “you” as first-person. As in a speaker saying “I wanted spaghetti for dinner but I was out of sauce. So you go to the store to buy sauce but they’re completely out.” Not the greatest example, but I feel like I’ve been noticing this more every year – where the speaker will clearly be talking about her/himself but will switch freely between “I” and “you”.

      2. Purt’s Peas*

        That’s interesting—I’ve heard you as a replacement for “one” or at least to serve the same purpose as an “indeterminate general person” pronoun. Never heard it as a first-person replacement!

    6. Lcsa99*

      I missed when society made the transition from DUI to DWI. There are others like that I’ve noted in the past but thats the first that came to mind

      2. Enough*

        I’m actually seeing DUI more often. I think this depends on how the laws of your state are written.

        1. Anonnington*

          Yeah, it’s a state thing. In Maine, it’s OUI, which is fitting in two ways (part of the state is very French, and “operating” refers to the wide variety of vehicles the law applies to).

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Generally, a DUI is a lower charge than a DWI.
          I have a link here that shows the differences in various states. I will post it separately.

    7. pancakes*

      I’ve watched a fair amount of This Old House and I think maybe that’s a Massachusetts / New England thing rather than a change-over-time thing. I think the hosts still say it in newer episodes. It wouldn’t occur to me to think of it as rude or passive aggressive but I grew up in Connecticut, and heard it there occasionally too.

      If you’re interested in language I recommend the Haggard Hawks twitter account — it’s very amusing!

      1. Purt’s Peas*

        Some older Boston guys might still say it, but it’s definitely not still part of the common dialect!

    8. Get Me Out of Here*

      This is written, but I’ve seen “lead” for the past tense of “lead” in casual and formal writing. I’ve always thought that would’ve been “led” but I hardly ever see that anymore.

      1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

        People who can spell still use “led”. You’re exactly right.

        There’s proportionally less proof reading and sub editing in what is available to us nowadays, purely because of the volume. Often it doesn’t matter, but it’s a shame to lose spelling distinctions when they do exist.

    9. Colette*

      I’ve heard “racialized” in several contexts since the pandemic started; I don’t remember hearing that before.

      And “I was sat”, which seems to be a thing in Britain in the last 10 or so years?

      2. Not Australian*

        Ugh, ‘I was sat’ – that was regional usage in Yorkshire when I was a kid (much more than ten years ago!) but has spread since then and is now distressingly common. Nobody seems able to work out the difference between ‘I sat’ and ‘I was sitting’. As a person who edits books I can just about let it pass in informal speech, but in any kind of even semi-formal context – e.g. a BBC news report – it makes me die a little inside.

        1. tiasp*

          I was SEATED. That one drives me crazy.

          Another crazy making one is nouns becoming verbs eg I gifted something to someone vs I gave someone a gift. There are other noun/verb ones that make me crazy but they are slipping my mind right now.

    10. Sunset Maple*

      People dropping the verb “to be” was previously regional, but now seems widespread. I hate it with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns. “This needs washed” sounds ignorant as hell.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I’ve heard “this needs washing” my whole life.

        First heard constructions like “needs done” from British TV around the ’90s, IIRC.

        1. tangerineRose*

          I think “this needs washing” is OK but “this needs washed” is not correct English.

        2. Not Australian*

          ‘Needs done’ would be the Scots way of expressing it, and a lot older than the 1990s.

          1. RagingADHD*

            I’m just saying when it came across the pond on my TV.

            I’m sure all these expressions have a much longer history in their place of origin, before they passed into common use or became familiar to a wider swath of people.

      2. Cruciatus*

        Yeah, I’m from the region this originated (Pennsylvania area) and I’m normally a stickler for correct pronunciations and grammar but…this doesn’t bother me! I was just as surprised as you. “I seen” is huge around here and gaaaah! Nails down a chalkboard. But this? I don’t actually know how often I drop the infinitive (just like I don’t know if I say care-a-mel or car-mull unless you could get me to say it without thinking about it, which you can’t) but I know when I hear it/read it I don’t think about it until others point out how much it distresses them.

    11. voluptuousfire*

      “No problem” taking the place of “you’re welcome.” It irks me a bit because it sounds a little dismissive of the person who is thanking them.

      1. Anonnington*

        Interesting! I had the opposite take on it. To me, “You’re welcome,” can sound fake because it’s the standard reply, whereas, “No problem!” sounds like you mean it because it’s non-standard and it communicates something specific – that you don’t mind helping out (or whatever you’re being thanked for).

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          I always felt it depends. If you passed the salt, it was no problem. If you drove 3 hours to get them because they got stuck in the snowy mountains without chains, it was a problem to get them, but they are still welcome to ask for that sort of thing, if needed.

          Personally, I like “yeet” – as a verb or as an exclamation when throwing something.

          1. fposte*

            “Yeet” is the best new word in decades, and I say this as somebody who loves new words.

            1. Myrin*

              And obviously its past participle is “yoten” – I don’t even know where that joke started but I continue to be delighted by it.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Fun question.

      I remember when “can’t” wasn’t considered a word, or that is what we were told. Then we were told can’t means “I am unable to [do x]…” and this is lying because of course you can do x.

      The word “kids” was slang and not to be used. Kids were goats. Don’t call people goats.

      “Uranus”. I remember when a well-known newscaster changed the pronunciation. We all laughed.

    13. Chaordic One*

      Before the Iraq war I never heard the word “troop” used to mean a single person or a single soldier. It always meant a group of people, as in a “girl scout troop” or a “military troop” that had several members. I feel that it is incorrect to use the word to refer to a single soldier, but that seems to be what is usually meant now.

    14. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      When and why did the pronunciation of “Moscow” change? In the 80s, TV newscasters pronounced it to rhyme with “cow,” but sometime in the 90s they started using a long “o” at the end, rhyming with “show.” Does anyone know what happened?

          1. tangerineRose*

            Oops. Someone I thought knew what he was talking about told me it’s pronounced Moscow Moss-Co in Russia.

          3. The New Wanderer*

            The Russian spelling for the city would be pronounced [maskv’a].

            I kind of assumed Moscow was an Anglicized distortion, like Bombay for Mumbai or Peking for Beijing.

    15. Tau*

      I’m going to cheat and answer for a language that isn’t English –

      The du/Sie (informal vs formal “you”) distinction in German is nothing like how I remember it growing up. The rule of thumb I learned back then was that it’s “du” for family, close friends and children, as well as university students among each other (plus a few things like members of the same club or political party, or coworkers in blue-collar (?) environments), “Sie” everywhere else. This… is clearly no longer the case, at least where I live. I find myself regularly thrown when e.g. I go into a coffee shop and the barista calls me “du”, and I now have no idea how to address my estimated-mid-thirties-to-mid-forties neighbour. It doesn’t help that I lived abroad for over a decade and so missed experiencing the change in real time, and I’m now in what may be the least formal part of the country (Berlin).

      Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if we just got rid of “Sie” entirely (similarly to how English dropped “thou”), because there are always grey areas and you have never known grammatical pain until you’ve tried to have a conversation with someone without ever using the word “you”, but this in-between changing phase is horribly awkward.

      1. Purt's Peas*

        Not cheating at all! And that’s really interesting–as an English speaker learning languages with formal/informal pronouns, but without any immersion, that formality negotiation has always seemed so awkward to me! I laughed at the grammatical of avoiding using “you”. I can imagine :P

      2. Myrin*

        Ha, I’m the opposite – I never want to get rid of “Sie” and I absolutely hate and despise that everyone and their mother comes at me all familiar now (especially shops and Versandhäuser and stuff like that – no, Mr. Edeka, we aren’t per du!). I like the politeness and distance factor it brings – there are tons of people I don’t want to have so linguistically close to me, if that makes sense – and I very much bristle at this new development but what can you do. :|

    16. Erika22*

      Here in the UK people say “fine” instead of “sure” quite often, and to my American ears it sounds so rude! I still haven’t gotten used to it.

    17. Reliquary*

      I remain slightly baffled by the emergence of “so” as a way to begin a sentence, especially in answer to a question.

      I’m with the poster named “pancakes” on the usage of the word “fine” in New England. I don’t think that it carries any negativity or passive-aggression, even today. (I no longer live in New England, but I still have regular phone conversations with relatives who do live there.)

    18. university minion*

      “They” becoming an acceptable third-person-singular pronoun. I LOVE IT. It makes work writing so much simpler. Defaulting to “he” was most common when I was growing up, but is not cool for so many obvious reasons. S/he is fine when writing, but not so great if your documentation is read aloud. “They” is a simple solution and I’m glad it’s in common use now.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        Singular “they” goes back to the 14th century. It was relatively recent that some folks insisted it wasn’t a thing, and now we’re going back to the “yes it is” that has been around hundreds of years.

    19. LibbyG*

      I love this thread!

      I have two things. The first might be regional/class-based, but when I was kid the three meals were breakfast, dinner, and supper. I didn’t understand why “going out to dinner” was such a big deal. By the time I was in high school, it was “breakfast, lunch, and dinner” in my mind.

      Second is the “positive anymore” phenomenon. I remember when I only heard “anymore” the negative: I used to do X, but I don’t anymore. But they it became a swap-in for nowadays. “Anymore, everyone has a cell phone.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This confused me as a kid and I asked my father. He said supper was usually week nights and pretty simple compared to dinner. Dinner was a big meal on Sunday or holidays. I think some words get defined just with in families also.

        1. Anonnington*

          I grew up with that idea too. Supper and dinner both refer to the evening meal. Supper is more casual – the food involves less preparation. Dinner is for when you have time to cook or it’s a Sunday, holiday, or special occasion. You go out for dinner at a nice restaurant, or you grab supper at McDonalds on your way home. Probably regional.

      2. nonegiven*

        So, I noticed when I was a kid, people who said breakfast, dinner, and supper were farm people that had the big meal of the day at noon. People who said breakfast, lunch, and dinner were town people who worked in offices, stores, and factories and ate their largest meal after the work day was over.

    20. OperaArt*

      I noticed when “No problem” replaced “You’re welcome” when I said/say “Thank you” to service workers. The change seemed very fast, and struck me as odd for a couple of years. Now I don’t even register the difference.

    21. Anonnington*

      I’ve seen Australian English enter the US. “Wonky” came into use here about 10 years ago, followed by a few more. “Full on,” is now common. There’s still a lot that you don’t hear, though.

    22. Dancing Otter*

      “Hopefully” used to mean in a hopeful manner.

      Does anyone know when the impersonal first person (One ought, one might…) disappeared from American usage, except in academic writing? I used it in writing an instruction manual a few years ago, and got my draft back with metaphoric red ink all over it. It was “too elitist”. I was writing for college-educated professionals, not middle-school drop-outs, I wanted to say. (Fortunately, I calmed down before replying.) When? Why?

      Also, does anyone but elderly grammar teachers still recognize the difference between would, should and ought? Will and shall?

    23. purple cornflakes.*

      Gift has turned into a verb, and ask into a noun.
      Great question, though!

  57. Cat*

    Any recommendations for baby gifts for a third baby? This is the first girl; the older two are boys, but neither the parents nor me are the type of buy super frilly stuff. I’d be happy to just buy books I don’t think they’d have but wondered if there’s something parents in that situation might like in particular. Budget is about $50. I thought something with her name might be nice but personalized stuff generally seems more expensive.

    1. ..Kat..*

      I think with three kids that they would appreciate basic supplies, like diapers. Or a diaper laundry service (but ask first, this is only a good gift if it is something that they want). Or a gift card to a place like Target that sells basic supplies at a good price (and does delivery).

      Do you live nearby? Can you offer baby sitting as part of your gift? Or offer to come over and do chores (like laundry or cooking meals or house cleaning)? If I had three children, I would love this type of gift – basically, the gift of time.

      1. Cat*

        No, I’m on the other side of the country. I could send a gift card for Postmates or something like that though.

        1. Cat*

          (I suspect they’re the type to have strong preferences on things like diapers and I don’t know what they are and they’re pretty financially comfortable. I could just do a target gift card but was thinking it would make sense to do something more personal.)

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        When my nephew was born a ways back and I lived on the other side of the country, my baby shower gift to my brother/SIL was one box of diapers a month for his first year. It let me stretch out my gifting budget, was useful to them, I just ordered them from amazon shipped directly so it wasn’t any hassle, and they just raved about it. My niece is expecting this fall and I made her the same offer, and she told me she was really hoping that I would do so.

    2. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I have three.

      By the third use, stuff is getting a bit tatty, so you shouldn’t be afraid that new things would be unwelcome or unused.

      Personalised stuff isn’t what I love, to be honest, unless you’re making it yourself (a quilt or blanket or stuffy or something). That’s very particular to the family, though, as some people love it. Maybe risky?

      I’d always recommend books for a new baby. Maybe you could look out feminist children’s books (Zog is great for very small children, otherwise check out amightygirl dot com ‘s book lists).

    3. pancakes*

      There’s a shop in my neighborhood that has adorable non-frilly baby stuff — it’s called an.mé / anmeshop dot com.

    4. Colette*

      I second he gift card – they’re going to have a lot of stuff and need other stuff; they will know best what they need. (But I’d also do a small gift for the other 2 kids, who sometimes get lost in the excitement of the new baby.)

    5. WellRed*

      I don’t see anything wrong with a cute outfit or book that skews girl. Doesn’t have to be pink and frilly but acknowledges this baby may be a different experience then the last two. Could add a gift card.

    6. Alex*

      My favorite baby gift is a pair of those little leather (or faux leather) shoes, like Robeez shoes (but there are other less expensive brands, as well as handmade ones on etsy). They are super cute, handy, and wear out–especially the sizes that the baby would wear when walking (so the 12 months size and up). They are also small and don’t take up storage space. You can get a pattern that is slightly more feminine but still not frilly, like a ladybug design or something.

    7. Koala dreams*

      Books sounds great, books tend to live a rough life with small children. Somehow the pages get torn out? It’s a thing. There are very cute books for babies, especially bath books, but more story focused children’s books are nice too. If the parents accept gendered clothing, there are cute dresses or pyjamases in solid colours (white, cream, pink, red, light gray) that are simple yet girly. I think light blue is cute for baby girls too, but the rest of the world seems to disagree.

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      Are you hoping to buy something for the parents or something for the baby?
      For my third baby, I really appreciated getting clothes because she was born the complete opposite season than the first two children, and also the clothes from the first two were getting a little ragged. I also splurged on a Topponcino. It’s a fancy baby mat that you can use to (among other things) wrap the baby like a taco, making it easier for other people, particularly children to hold the baby. It is probably overpriced and a little crunchy/granola, but I loved it.
      Also – a small gift for the siblings is always nice.
      For me, I really wanted nice nursing clothes and bras. And fruit.
      An Amazon gift card was always nice to have – and honestly, no less appreciated than any other gift.

    9. Georgiana*

      If you’re looking for books that skew girl, I’d recommend:
      Cece Loves Science
      Women in Science
      Sophia Valdez, Future Prez
      Rosie Revere, Engineer
      Ada Twist, Scientist
      Sulwe

      With a third and the first of a gender, some new things would probably be nice so they have something special, a few ideas (having just had a boy after having a girl a few years ago):
      -Feminine baby blankets (Aden and Anais or similar light blankets since it’s summer)
      -Clothes, especially ones that you wouldn’t necessarily buy a ton of yourself because they’re spendy (Mori baby is a great gift, they’re so soft!)
      -Things that may not have been around when they had the others (the Lovevery play mat is amazing)
      -if you know the mom well, ask if she’s in the market for a new baby wearing device (I personally love the Solly and the Baby Bjorn mini for the tiny baby phase)

      I agree with you that diapers are very particular and if they’re financially stable not a terribly interesting gift.

      Something small for the boys would also be nice, it’s been lovely when people remember to include our daughter – she’s still here and is adorable, too!

    10. Cat*

      Thanks, all. I took the advice to buy something a little girly but not over the top – I got a mermaid stroller toy and mermaid-patterned onesie from Finn and Emma (which I like but two expensive for your own kids!)

      1. Cat*

        (I would normally get the older siblings something but I wanted to ship directly to avoid an unnecessary Pandemic trip to the post office and then it seemed to get complicated. Also, I was trying to remember if I got the second child anything when he was born. I know I got them some swaddle blankets off the registry for the first.)

  58. Looking for a good bed...*

    Is there one bed that anyone who has hip and back pain, found that helps? Or is that just a dream?

    I’ve seen multiple “bed in a box” reviews, and I’m on overload. I now have enough pain that I think I need to take action; slight but never ending neck, some back, and significant hip pain.

    I’ll skip the why.

    1) I have a sleep number (a mid-very good range one) in the guest room, which didn’t help the lower back pain, or really the hip thigh pain. Should I try a topper for that one?

    2) Should I get a latex one? (a warehouse club I trust has a very good sounding multi-layer one that is within reason for a 9″ latex). Has anyone experience with them?

    3) Is there a bed in the box one that I could have delivered that is awesome for pain?

    Note – I do not sleep well when warm, and live where houses do not have air conditioning, so I do not want to exacerbate the heat issue by doing memory foam… Although for the price of some of these, I could add a bedroom air conditioner if that makes the total package more economical.

    I really want to stay under $2K us. (I won’t tell you what the last bed cost, but as far as I can tell, the quality/longevity was not worth it… the fluffy top turned into a dip in 4 years of regular use…it was in a guest room so by years, out of the warranty, by use, should not have been).

    1. fposte*

      Oof, mattresses are such a pain. And they’re highly personal, even when you’re talking for pain, because everybody’s pain is different and people sleep different ways. *And* they’re not lasting the way they used to.

      Speaking personally, as somebody with spinal stenosis, I *love* latex. My current bed is a latex hybrid and my next will just be plain latex. I go to sleep on my stomach and wake up on my back, and I need serious support under my pelvis and lower back. I’m basically looking for a granite slab that’s somehow soft, and latex is the closest I’ve come. Latex comes in different firmnesses, so if you can I’d really recommend testing the levels out (and in the brand you’re looking at, since it might vary between manufacturers). But I find even softer latex more supportive than memory foam or anything but brand new coil mattresses.

      1. Looking for a good bed...*

        Thank you for the reminder! A couple years ago I had looked into a latex topper for mom – I’d forgotten that option. (tossing and turning makes one a zombie).

    2. sswj*

      Well shoot, I’m sorry you didn’t like the Sleep Number because that was going to be my suggestion. I like that I can play with the settings depending on how I’m feeling/what’s bothering me. Sometimes I need a softer nest to curl into, and sometimes I need a board to stretch out on. Sometimes it’s kind of in between.

      I’ve also found that the pillow I sleep on has an impact on how I feel the next day, and not just for my neck. I have a couple of pillows that I switch between and combine with bed settings to get the correct support and positioning for a good sleep on that day. It’s not always the same, alas. Some nights there’s a fair amount of fiddling before I can settle in!

      Anyway, I hope you find a solution. A good night’s sleep is so imprtant!

      1. Looking for a good bed...*

        Thanks, and the sleep number was better than my even-more-over-priced mattress, just not pain free. I probably didn’t try enough options, but I gave the sleep number a month. I hadn’t thought of swapping out the pillows – I have down enclosed in allergy covers. So maybe a softer setting and a topper would do it.

    3. Pippa K*

      Our solution to a similar problem was to buy a fairly inexpensive mattress from Costco and put a 3 or 4 inch memory foam topper on it. Much cheaper than a high-quality mattress, extremely comfortable, and I’m no longer woken up by back and hip pain!

    4. GoodSleep*

      I have severe pain in most of my joints. I ended up making a custom mattress for myself. I purchased an air bed from a non-name brand company, then I added a layer of latex, then a layer of memory foam. I put the foam layers inside a mattress cover to keep dust and moisture out. Then a padded mattress pad on top. I also use a ChiliPad during warmer months to keep myself cool.

      You could try buying mattress toppers of various materials and experimenting with which ones or combo works best for you.

      1. Looking for a good bed...*

        I need to look up the chillpad. I think the topper plus the sleep number plus a way to get/ keep cooler, would be a good start….

      2. Looking for a good bed...*

        Also, did you do comparisons on the Chilipad vs. the bedjet? what were your considerations? (I had looked at the bedjet a couple years ago).

        1. GoodSleep*

          I don’t know why I ended up with the ChiliPad. I guess I wasn’t too thrilled with the thought of air coming up under my sheets, especially when most of the heat I feel is in my torso area. Also due to my odd mattress, I wasn’t sure if I could get it to fit properly. I’ve had the ChiliPad for about a year and a half and it has been a lifesaver with hot flashes. Best money I’ve spent. I waited until there was a 25% off sale

          1. Looking for a good bed...*

            thank you – that’s why I stopped on the bedjet but hadn’t heard of the chilipad!

    6. Melody Pond*

      I’m definitely on team “DIY mattress.”

      A disclaimer up front – as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that even with a mattress well-suited to me, I will still occasionally wake up with some pain from sleeping. I think this has more to do with my body aging than the mattress.

      That being said – I love my DIY latex mattress. I found a seller on Amazon that sells latex mattress toppers, in thicknesses ranging from 1″ to 3″, in soft, medium firm, or firm. I have two 3″ firm layers, and then a 2″ medium firm on top; I put them all inside a waterproof mattress cover. For me, it’s been perfect, and I like that I could switch out individual layers if I decided some piece of it wasn’t working for me anymore.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Pain when trying to sleep is the worst!

      I’ll comment on the Sleep Number. I bought one about three years ago due to lower back pain. (About six months later I was told I had a bulging lumbar disc and would eventually need fusion.) I thought it would be THE thing that would make sleeping awesome again. And? Meh. It was good for about a two years, but I never woke up pain-free–I typically felt like a train wreck in the morning between the lower back and hip pain. I won’t blame it on the bed, though. Finally got fusion surgery in March and sleeping was better for awhile, but then I started with the hip pain a couple months ago. Even with the mattress set on 40, which is pretty soft, I still had a lot of hip pain. So I bought a mattress topper, which is three inches of memory foam with a one inch pillow top. I was good for a couple nights, but that was it. Turns out I have bursitis in my hips. Had a cortisone injection a couple weeks ago and it’s feeling better. I’m not waking up with hip pain anymore, at least. I now have the mattress on 65 and use the topper. I’m OK for now, but I’m thinking I may need an injection in the other hip when I go back on the 14th.

      1. Looking for a good bed...*

        Thank you. I think think there is much more intervention than a new bed coming, but trying to get by for awhile longer (and my last doctor was not helpful). But this does remind me I need to talk to her as well…..

    8. No fan of Chaos*

      Go to Macy’s Home Store and try all the mattresses. I am saving for a purple mattress. My daughter wants an adjustable pillow top something. I would never have known how many types of mattresses there were until we started trying them out or how soft or firm.

      1. Looking for a good bed...*

        I hadn’t thought of this – I need to see when they are opening back up.

  59. Get Me Out of Here*

    After three and a half months of working from home, caring for our baby, and taking lockdown very seriously, pandemic cabin fever has finally gotten to me. I’m daydreaming about renting a Mercedes Supervan and roaming with my husband and our nine-month-old baby from Louisiana up to Lake Michigan. I found one with extra front-facing captain’s seats so we can properly install the baby’s car seat. I’ve never RV’d and it’s been a long time since I did a good road trip. Is this a good idea or have I officially lost it? Any tips for road trips with an increasingly active, learning-to-walk baby?

    1. WellRed*

      There was an article about vanlife in the NYTimes this week. One of the experts said they are concerned that people think there are facilities to stop at, they don’t realize about needing to empty the toilet and they don’t realize you can’t just park it anywhere. Not saying this is you, of course!

    2. Not Australian*

      There are loads of people living the RV/van/skoolie life who post regularly on YouTube and every single one of them has great ideas for how to organise your life on the road – especially with kids. Put in search terms that match your particular plans and I’m sure you’ll be overwhelmed with hits.

      We have a small RV but we’re well past the travelling-with-kids stage, so the only solid tip I can really offer is to have a toilet of some kind onboard and to carry plenty of water – and always know where you can get more.

    3. pancakes*

      Unless you’re planning to bring every last bit of food and supplies with you, it doesn’t seem like a great way to continue taking lockdown seriously. It seems like it would bring you into contact with a lot of people in a lot of places.

      1. Not Australian*

        Umm, the OP doesn’t specifically say they’re planning to do this under current restrictions, just that it’s something they’re dreaming of doing at some future point.

    4. Max Kitty*

      I’m really sorry. I’m sick of staying home too. We’ve had four trips canceled since March and were supposed to be attending a family gathering three states away just this weekend. But I really don’t think that kind of an extended road trip is a good idea at this time.

      What are you going to do if one of you gets sick with COVID (or worse, both adults get sick at the same time)? How are you going to quarantine in an RV if someone suddenly isn’t feeling well? Are you sure your insurance coverage will work no matter where you are? If things turn bad, do you want one (or more) of your family in a hospital in another state? And what about non-COVID stuff? If the baby gets an earache or something, will you be comfortable getting medical care in a strange place at this time?

      Can you be confident that you won’t be caught up in (or can comply with) a quarantine requirement in any state along the way or upon returning to your home? They’re getting imposed more, and going into effect quickly. In addition, can you be confident that your family isn’t asymptomatic and spreading COVID as you travel?

      Finally, what are you going to do on this trip? A lot of attractions still may be closed or limited. And the ones that are open may be overly crowded.

      Could you do something else, closer to home, that will get you out of the house for a bit but be easier in general? Take a short road trip, rent a cabin or camp somewhere on a lake or river in your state?

    5. Anxious cat servant*

      Last year I got sucked into the van life/RVing rabbit hole and spent hours researching it all. Then DH and I went to an RV show and I discovered two things: 1- he and I have opposite ideas of how to RV (I like tiny, he wanted multiple bedrooms) and 2- I get INCREDIBLY sea-sick in a parked RV. They rock just enough that I left looking very green.

      So there went that dream.

      I still love reading about the life and dreaming all with the knowledge that I’ll never actually do it. Just reading up on it and dreaming is really enough – I get to imagine all the fun and none of the mosquitoes.

      If you actually go for it then awesome! I’d personally spend this time planning and not go until there’s a vaccine because between gas station, groceries, and rest stops that’s just too much peopling right now. But it’s a great time to plan! There’s a million YouTube channels covering different RV types, what supplies are needed, and the life itself.

    6. Anonnington*

      It would be hard to do it right now without increasing your COVID risk. The financial side of it would also be tougher (fewer ways to earn income while traveling).

      On the other hand, it’s not that far from Louisiana to Lake Michigan. If you drove straight there and hunkered down in a remote area, you might be reducing your risk. If you’re in a more urban area right now.

      My perspective is that there are a lot of unknowns right now, so it’s a good time to play it safe in every way possible. That usually means staying home and reducing your expenses. But if you can fit this scenario into health and budget safety, I say go for it.

    7. J.B.*

      Our area has partially opened up, and our pool is open. They have precautions in place, like keeping chairs 6 feet apart and disinfecting frequently. Going regularly has helped relieve the cabin fever a lot. I know that other people have decided to rent a house for a change of scenery – but think about your separation while traveling, and what you will do when you arrive.

  60. Mid*

    Well, I’m scared of spiders, but I decided to get a pet tarantula for some reason! So I’m now the proud owner of a GBB/Green Bottle Blue tarantula!

    2. Generic Name*

      Fun! My son had a wolf spider and then a tarantula for a pet. The tarantula was much less scary. The wolf spider was super aggressive and would run towards my hand when I went to give him water. :/

      1. Mid*

        Me too, but I’m trying to slowly conquer them one by one. Though, to be clear, my fears don’t reach phobia level. I was/am scared of snakes, heights and spiders. So I’ve adopted/fostered 6 snakes, took up rock climbing and cliff jumping, and now I’ve adopted a tarantula. It’s a rather…aggressive approach to facing my fears but it works for me.

  61. Anonymously*

    So I’ve been working on Halloween costumes we might never get to wear and suddenly I am worried people might call one of them racist. I am hoping to get an informal survey of what people might think if they saw someone walking down the street wearing it on Halloween.

    Its Elton John from the cover of his Greatest Hits album from 1974. I will link a picture in the comments. I made the weird pin he’s wearing and we have the crazy glasses and bowtie, so it isn’t just a white suit but I am worried about the white suit and cane.

    Please tell me I am crazy.

    2. Anonnington*

      I have no advice to offer on that costume, but I relate to where you’re coming from. I deal with a lot of anxiety about things I’ve made being taken the wrong way.

      My advice for these situations in general is to let the item in question sit for a month or so. Forget about it. Then go back and look at it as if someone else had made it and you were being asked to review it.

      Here’s a secret. The projects you get anxiety about are usually your strongest ones. That doesn’t mean they don’t need some tweaking in order to come across the way you intend them. But those feelings are an indication that you’re working on something good.

    3. LGC*

      Honestly, I’d probably think of Michael Jackson first, myself, especially with the black shirt! But then again, I grew up more with Michael Jackson than Elton John, so that’s my perspective.

      The only reason I’d reconsider is if you’re not sure people are going to get the reference. (Or if you think Michael is just that problematic, which…I totally agree with.) It also depends on where you’re wearing the costume, I think.

    4. WellRed*

      So even without the picture I knew the exact cover you were referring to! I get your concerns but as long as you have the crazy glasses? Maybe a “piano”? Any way to make it mostly Elton.

    5. Martine*

      Huh? Perhaps I am out of touch but I have no idea why that would be seen as racist and I wouldn’t think that at all. Unless I am missing something I think it’s weird to even go down that road at all.

      1. Anonymously*

        I was concerned it evoked the image of a plantation owner with the white suit and cane. But it seems I am worrying for nothing.

        I am considering putting his name across the back in big letters as he’s done for several costumes. That should make it pretty obvious. Thanks everyone.

          1. Anonymously*

            I’ve been wprking on my husband to convince him to go with the platforms, but I think the closest we’ll get is painting old sneakers silver.

    6. RagingADHD*

      You’re not crazy, I see why you might worry about the “Old Southern Colonel” interpretation.

      I think it will read definitely Sir Elton, or at least not mint-julep-y, if you leave off the hat and go for an even more over the top tie and pair of glasses.

      1. Anonymously*

        We were hoping to go hats instead of wigs this year :) But the glasses we got are pretty huge, so that’s not an issue.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          I’m thinking if you add just a little glitter somewhere the distinction will be quite clear.

          1. Anonymously*

            Thanks everyone. I feel better with the idea of adding his name on the back. I might also edge the suit with silver but I’ve been working hard on accuracy, so that bugs me a little; and the suit I will be wearing (this one is for my husband – we’re doing different decades of Elton) is already edged in silver so I don’t know if that would make them too similar.

            Either way the input helps a lot.

            1. Observer*

              If you are doing multiple versions of Elton John, the I think it will be pretty obvious that you’re not doing a “plantation master and mistress.”

  62. Speech-to-text*

    Do you have any suggestions for a transcription/speech-to-text software? I have a few recordings/videos (mostly one person giving a long speech w pretty good audi quality) and would like to turn these into text.

    3. RagingADHD*

      If you want free, you can upload them as private or unlisted videos on YouTube and get an automated transcript. They’re pretty good.

      If you don’t mind paying, Rev dot com has an automated service that’s 25 cents a minute and handles multiple speakers quite well. The human service is more expensive but also more accurate.

      I have Dragon at home, and it takes a lot of training on your speech patterns to get good accuracy. It’s really geared for a single user to dictate, not transcribing different sources.

      I have tried Google voice typing, but was not overly impressed with the accuracy. It also does not detect pauses as punctuation or paragraph breaks, so you get a wall of text. (Or at least that was the case last time I tried it).

  63. Vic Venti*

    Ugh, just woke up from a nightmare at 4.30am. Unfortunately, it was a super involved plot line and really hard to shake off (serial killer has kidnapped a woman’s mother and is torturing the mother physically and the woman psychologically by sending her weird specific tasks). None of the people in this dream are me, it’s playing out in front of me like a movie or book. I don’t watch/read this type of scary/suspense stuff and I’ve never seen or read anything with the specific details before (such as the tasks/characters/locations/responses that the woman tries)

    Does anyone else have this kind of specific but not personally involved dreams? I’m a big reader so I always put it down to that (at least 60% of my dreams are this type where a story plays out in front of me, although not usually scary). Do you find it happens more or less if you’re being creative in your awake life (writing stories, painting etc)?

    Also, what is your go to when you wake scared by this type of dream? Do you get up, read something, wake your partner for a cuddle etc? I’m initially so scared I hate to get out of bed as it feels unsafe and if I try to go back to sleep I just obsess about the bad dream

    1. WellRed*

      I can’t answer your questions other than to say yes, I’ve had this sort of detailed dream yet I’m a bystander. Also a big reader.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Same with the detailed dreams, more so if I’ve been reading a lot lately but not limited to that. Sometimes I’m watching 3rd person, sometimes I’m in a role that’s not “me” but a character.

        Those are the ones I like, even if they’re objectively scary or intense. If I wake up agitated, I try to do some relaxation type things and stay awake for at least 15 minutes, because if I fall asleep again too soon, sometimes it resumes. But generally, they’re way better than the usual stress dreams I have, that are like “work, but worse” or trying to do something basic and being blocked at every turn (like trying to take a photo or type a password or turn off my alarm that is happening in real life).

    2. Square Root of Minus One*

      Super specific is all the time, out-of-body I experience too though not as often. I have a vivid memory of a long dream in which I was floating beside my body instead of inside, that was weird.

      1. Square Root of Minus One*

        Ugh, early posting. Anyway, it doesn’t happen more when I write, I actually think it’s more often when I’m not in a creative phase and need to get in one.
        When alone, I usually switch the light on and read for 15-60 min. With my partner, I usually go for a hug if he’s awake, or get up for something (glass of water, splash of water on the face, a bite to eat, a bathroom break) if he isn’t.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I’m a fan of what Ann Landers said years ago, “Get a full physical from a doc, find out if something is going on with your insides.”

      Is it possible that you are having a psychic moment, that you are getting a telepathic message from some where? Take a look at the news, have you read anything lately? I have known a couple people who had this happen to them, that is why I mention it. Additionally, I have read articles on people who have gone to the police with the information in their dreams, because it bothered them that much.

      Last thought: How’s life right now? Is your mom with you, living else where or passed on? Is there something in your real life that you feel is torturing you? This would be something that is so far removed from how you expected life to be. (Let’s see…Covid? People were commenting a few weeks back that they were having weird dreams.)

      With bad dreams I do the very thing that is painful. I get out of bed, I go to the bathroom even if I don’t sense the need, I get a drink of water. Then I go back to bed. Sometimes I leave a light on. Not the answer you wanted to hear, I am sure. But it “proves” to me that I was just dreaming, it reconnects me to actual life.
      I pray, which is not an answer for everyone. Sometimes I make myself write a mental list of things I am grateful for in current time.

      I like to try alternative or non-invasive stuff. I had a big change in my dreams when I dropped the junk food out of my life. You may find relief just in reducing junk food and add more fruits and veggies in your mix.

      1. Vic Venti*

        I feel like this is just a nightmare variation on my normal dreaming pattern so not worried about it, although will look into it more if it keeps happening. Plenty of reasonable contributing factors – feeling hotter than usual overnight, third trimester of pregnancy and of course the standard 2020 challenge fest! Although I wouldn’t mind being psychic, I’m pretty sure I have absolutely no predisposition to it, definitely more my own fertile imagination than an external source to the scary stuff
        I appreciate the suggestions on managing when it happens and think you’re absolutely right that getting up helps break the thought process!

        1. Cat*

          Oh pregnancy definitely magnifies dreams. I heard it was because you’re waking up so often, you remember them better.

        2. Altair*

          Oh goodness, pregnancy. I send you all the cooling breezes (but not too many at once!)

    4. Cat*

      I have this kind of dream a lot – more so since the Pandemic started. Often it involves the kind of dystopia scenario you might read in a Hunger Games-esque book. The most memorable was years ago and involved a super smart horse that was genetically engineered at Stanford University and which seized control of California and turned it into a police state.

      1. Vic Venti*

        I would read that book! (Unless it was too grim)
        This is definitely the kind of weirdo dream I often have

    5. valentine*

      If this doesn’t happen frequently, you can write it off as brain weirdness. If you delve, you risk turning a mole hill into a mountain.

      What happens if you map it to your life right now? Is there a sinister person you feel helpless to stop? If you’re a mother or daughter, does someone feel trapped/held hostage?

    6. Altair*

      I have dreams like that sometimes, yes. What helps, weirdly, is saying to myself, “the dream bureau sent me someone else’s dream by mistake”. That makes it feel like it’s not *from* me, if that makes sense. Also I’ll sometimes let myself watch one Youtube video of something soothing (like cooking, or guinea pigs running around) before going back to sleep.

    7. Parenthetically*

      Yes, almost all of my dreams are this specific and almost all of them I’m a spectator or a bit player.

      If it’s really scary, I’ll wake my husband up and ask him to snuggle. Mostly I just lie there, breathe deeply, try to connect with/ground my body in some way, and wait to fall back asleep. Sometimes singing helps, or even just thinking about song lyrics to a silly pop song or a peppy hymn from childhood.

    8. RagingADHD*

      For me, stuff like that is always a metaphor for something else I’m feeling.

      Like: Why am I doing X or Y pointless task? Why do I feel like it’s necessary?

      Or distress over watching all the bad things in the world right now.

      I get up & go to the bathroom as soon as I can, say a prayer and do some relaxation exercises.

      Sometimes if I’m stuck on the memory of the dream it helps to do unrelated mental tasks, like recite the multiplication tables, or name as many things in a category as I can and count how many. (breeds of dog, flavors of ice cream, shades of blue, etc)

  64. Jane*

    When do you stop “trying” with a friend you think might not be feeling the friendship anymore?

    I have a friend who gives such mixed signals. I really enjoy spending time with her–it’s really comfortable, we laugh a lot, and at least from my perspective we have a good time.

    But there’s two weird things. First, she will NEVER EVER EVER EVER initiate spending time together. It always has to be my idea. When I suggest things, 90% of the time she will enthusiastically say yes, and the other 10% of the time will say no, I can’t then, but suggest another time. To me this signals that she wants to be friends. But the fact that she never ever reaches out to me, no matter how long I wait between invites, makes me feel a little insecure.

    I’d kind of resolved myself to always having to be the inviter, but then recently she started cancelling at the last minute with kind of BS excuses. I could tell they were BS excuses and sort of called her out on it–not that she was obligated to come, but that it kind of seemed like she wasn’t really into hanging out anymore (this happened several times in a row), and that was OK, and also that if I was reading the situation wrong, and she did want to hang out sometime, she could let me know when was good for her but I would stop extending so many invites because I felt like I was bothering her. She replied that no no no she definitely liked being invited, we should hang out again soon (but no actual invite).

    Since then I just decided to stop inviting her, because getting the last minute rejections was starting to make me feel bad. But she hasn’t countered with an invite herself. It’s been a month. (We had been seeing each other weekly or occasionally more, at one point.)

    I just don’t know what to think. I don’t want to end the friendship on principle just because she won’t be the one to reach out to me, but on the other hand, I really have no idea if she actually wants to continue the friendship. I’m so confused. I want to reach out to her because I miss her, but the thought of doing so when the feeling isn’t mutual feels a bit humiliating. Thoughts?

    1. Solar Moose*

      Can you go with some in-between? You don’t need to end the friendship. But you can chill out on the invites for a bit, and focus on some other friendships for a while instead.

      Also, are you guys in a region where COVID-19 is still active? Could she be concerned about the medical aspect?

    2. Overeducated*

      This seems frustrating but I would try bot to make it all or nothing. As a person in my 30s, hanging out weekly with a single friend seems like a lot, just because work and life logistics are more exhausting and most of my friends aren’t available that often either. Coronavirus complicates this too – people are more wary of in person socializing but Zoom fatigue has really set in. I would maybe take her stated desire to hang out at face value, but consider reaching out much less often for a while, like maybe every other month. And if you do make plans, tell her you only want her to say yes if she can commit, because last minute cancellations hurt.

    3. Dinoweeds*

      I would give it a rest. It sucks, but friendship is a two way street and it doesn’t sound like she is holding up her end of the bargain. I also agree with other commenters that hanging out once a week sounds like a lot, so maybe you both just need a break from each other.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I also think it’s fair for OP to recognize that she needs to be friends with similar needs as hers? Like, I’m someone who likes a lot of contact with friends – regular outings, phone chats, etc., so I primarily hang out with people who are similar. Some people are hermits and only go out once a month so I obviously won’t be hanging out with them as much.

        I also kind of want to squash the idea that seems to be trending in this thread that once people hit 30 they stop being interested in hanging out with people. This is definitely not true for everyone, so if you are a bit older but want to continue being active, continue to look for people who are similar.

    4. Marguerite*

      I’ve had friends like this and the reasons varied. One friend was only around for “fun” things, but if she got a “better offer”, she would ditch me. Another friend was only around if she was single. If she had a boyfriend, forget it.

      I’m going through something like this with a current friend, except it’s reversed. She invites me places, yet doesn’t want to do the things that I invite her to. The things that she invites me to are all things that she is interested in, but she doesn’t take into account that I may not be interested in them. It’s like she just wants a person there, doesn’t matter whom. She’ll then sit there and text her boyfriend. Other times, she cancels last minute due to not feeling well or wanting to go.

      She’s fun otherwise so I sort of accept it, but it makes me feel clingy at times because I usually have to reach out to her.

      I’m not saying that this is you or your friend, but I’m just saying that maybe your friend has other stuff going on. Depending on your level of comfort, could you try talking to her? If not, let her reach out to you and try to focus on other friends instead.

    5. TempAnon*

      I have been this friend, and for me, it was about mild depression. I’d been raised to see myself as a burden, so I was always thinking I should not bother someone… but if they reached out to me, I’d do activities with them and truly enjoy the time together. To boot, I’m an introvert, so it is hard, even on my great days, to reach out a lot.
      So keep in mind it is sometimes not about you at all…. just one perpspective.

    6. Lcsa99*

      I’ve definitely been where you are and just stopped trying. Making that much effort can be exhausting. So I wouldn’t blame you if you did go that way.

      It may make sense to take a break, at least for a little while and see how you feel. If you find you’re missing her, you can start up again knowing you’ll have to make most of the effort. If you find you’re suddenly feeling less stress, then you know as sad as it is, it was the right decision to cut off the friendship.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      One thing I have had to remind myself is that there is no humiliation in being sincere. You sincerely befriended this person. Sincerity counts. A LOT.
      Reality is that some people care more for the other person. This happens in romantic relationships, too. Keep your sincerity, it’s a good thing.

      Friendships are a back and forth, a give and a take. Your friendship here is lopsided, you do the inviting and she tells you if she will show up or not. Yeah, lopsided. Give it a rest for a bit. Hold the door open because you never know what the future will bring. Don’t slam a door shut and lock it, if it’s not necessary. I don’t think it’s necessary here.

    8. ampersand*

      Are you comfortable asking her about this? It sounds like you already addressed the issue a bit, but maybe a more direct conversation about whether she would like to remain friends, or why you haven’t heard from her, or…something that sums up everything you said above…is in order. Admittedly, I don’t quite know how to frame this so that it doesn’t sound accusatory, and I tend to be pretty direct, and I can see how this could put her on the spot…but also: if you miss her and don’t want to lose her friendship, I don’t think you have much to lose by putting it out there and seeing what she says.

    9. Anonnington*

      This is where text messages, email, and social media can be helpful. I would stop inviting her to hang out and instead just send her a friendly text message, or step back and use social media to keep in touch, or email. Text her about something funny or a picture of a cute animal. Keep it light. If she texts back, ask how she’s doing. But keep it kind of short to respect her time.

      I’ll be honest – I rarely make plans to hang out with friends. My friends are mostly people I happen to see occasionally, and we keep in touch via the digital methods. And even then, I keep it kind of minimal. It’s been that way since I was about 30. Hanging out with friends regularly was more of a teens/twenties thing for me. I think that’s true for a lot of people. She could be someone who’s just not inclined to hang out.

    10. AdultFriends*

      Sadly I’ve been through this sort of thing a lot. I’ve learned over the years that I’ve felt best when I just ease back a bit and then just maintain light contact that feels right for me. I keep the person as a friend in my mind, but release them to their own journey in life. That way the door is open and there are no hard feelings.

      People and their lives change and ebb and flow over time. One of the challenges with friendship, as an adult, I’ve found, is that everyone has their own definition for what it means to be friends. I think conflicts often arise when the two people involved are operating off of completely different definitions.
      With a romantic relationship, its normal to check in with the other person and answer questions such as “are we on the same page?” or “where is this headed?” or “what do you see in our future?” etc.

      Friendships can be extremely close and meaningful, but we typically don’t have such conversations. I’ve often wished that it was considered normal to do this with friends! Instead, we all just bumble along hoping that the other person sort of shares our values and priorities, and then sometimes finding out that they don’t.

    11. valentine*

      The problem with cutting her off is it keeps you isolated, as you are now, not knowing what her deal is. Tell her the pattern doesn’t work for you and ask if she can split the invitations with you. Maybe offer to cut back to twice monthly or monthly meetups. If she says, no, you are so good at planning and blah blah blah, tell her it doesn’t work for you anymore and you’re considering letting the friendship fade.

    12. Jane*

      Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. To clarify a little, when I was seeing her weekly, it was because of a weekly activity we’d started doing together (but I always had to be the one to say “Do you want to do Weekly Activity with me this week?), not because I was proposing all kinds of different reasons we should constantly see each other. Because she always answered “Yes!” to my asking if she wanted to do the weekly activity, I kept asking her to do it! Before that we would hang out usually once a month or once every other month, and that was fine…but it was still always my reaching out to her to see if she wanted to do something.

      I’m 100% sure it isn’t about COVID. Our area doesn’t have many infections right now, and stuff is open again, and she isn’t the type to take more precautions than necessary.

      I’ve kind of addressed it with her a couple of times–pointing out that I’m always initiating stuff (she kind of shrugged and didn’t comment), and asking her if the frequency that I invited her to stuff was too often (she said no). But I kind of don’t think she would give me an honest answer to any questions I asked if she thought that honest answer would hurt my feelings.

      I guess the reason I’m so confused is that when I want to do the “pull away from a friend” thing, I decline invitations and don’t encourage new ones, which isn’t what she is doing at all. She quite literally told me to keep inviting her. But I guess not everyone operates like I do! I’ll lay off (which I explicitly told her I was doing) and hope she decides to initiate something sometime soon.

      1. Colette*

        Some people do more inviting than others. That’s ok; as long as she’s saying yes frequently and you have a good time, keep asking.

        But if she is canceling plans at the last minute, you might want to invite her less, or only invite her to things you’re going to do whether or not she shows up so that it’s not a big deal if she flakes.

      2. LQ*

        The weekly activity thing I’d make a recurring thing. We are on unless one of us calls it off rather than checking in every week. End of the thing you say, “see you next week”. That’s it. Yoga every thursday and drinks after. Or whatever your thing is. Just make it an always on which is so much easier in my opinion.

    13. Mazzy*

      Do you think there’s a logistical reason why they are like this? I am actually like this with one friend, but they’re pretty rich and live in the center of a city in a rich area, so I always feel like, since we’re going to them anyway because they’re in the center of it all, it’s weird for me to invite them out. Like I would be inviting him to go to their neighborhood because they usually don’t wanna come where I live (not that my area is bad at all, but!). Also they have a modest summer home, so again I’m not going to invite myself to their summer home, so it kind of is up to them to invite me anywhere if we’re going to do something in the summer.

      1. Mazzy*

        Was also thinking, there could be an economic factor to it? I was thinking this because I’m saving for a house, and I’m in my 40s and it feels weird to be walking around telling people I’m saving for a house and talking about money all the time so I have to keep it to myself. So I haven’t been socializing as much as in the past for years because I’m trying to save between 1000 and 1500 a month, so that hundred dollars going out on the weekend would really chip away at that, so people probably think I’m just being antisocial but I actually am working towards a goal. So maybe your friend something like this going on? Maybe not exactly the same, maybe they’re broke and they don’t wanna admit that I can’t afford to go out?

    14. LQ*

      I have a friend who NEVER reaches out too. I asked her (I was a little annoyed) she told me basically she’s terrified of rejection and while it’s a thing she’s working on, she has higher priority fish to fry (jobs!). At that point I basically shrugged and just accepted that it was a teeny little thing I could do for her. It does mean we get together at my prefered rate of hanging out, and when I’m down and not up to reaching out it can be nearly a year between seeing each other. We’ve started to basically plan the next outing when we do an outing, which is really helpful because then she feels comfortable changing the date when it gets close. I’ve considered just setting up essentially a recurring friend appointment, which has been the best way to handle these things in my life. I have a few of them. We are always on for the same day, same time, same place, unless someone cancels. It sort of takes the pressure off inviting.

    15. lazy intellectual*

      I would stop trying. Some people are bad at being honest and direct, so it seems like she is passively going along with things when you initiate them, but is no longer interested in investing in the friendship herself. Friendship is a two-way street, and you are no longer obligated to continue putting in effort on your end when she isn’t doing the same. It sucks when friendships fizzle out like this, but I’m sure you will find new ones to take its place. Not everyone grows with us, unfortunately.

    16. (Mr.) Cajun2core*

      I have been this friend. It was exhausting. Friendship is a two-way street. If you are putting all of the effort into a friendship it is not worth it. I would stop asking her out. If she doesn’t respond or even ask what is wrong after a couple of months, then I would just move on. As others have said, there is always social media and texting to keep in touch for significant things. I would not recommend wasting time on a friend who is not willing to invest as much energy in a friendship as you are.

      I have done this with friends and I have found it very freeing and refreshing.

      JMHO

  65. Anonnington*

    Seeking solar fountain.

    I’m looking for a solar-powered fountain for a part of my yard that gets about 4 hours of sunlight per day. Ideally, the 4 hours would charge the solar panels so it would run constantly, I’m trying to keep it under $100. It can be small. Any size big enough to have outdoors would be fine.

    I’ve been looking at the major retailers you can order from online and there aren’t many options that fit this description. However, components are plentiful, and affordable. So I might build a fountain!

    I’m also open to suggestions if anyone knows where to look. There are no outdoor outlets. The fountain needs to be 100% solar.

    It’s a strange thing, but I just feel like the yard is missing the sound of flowing water. It’s not just for me. I’ve been turning it into a nice little oasis and now the nextdoor neighbors are enjoying it too.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      For what it’s worth, the solar-powered lights that came with the house got eight hours of sunlight in the summer, and the brightest thing that we got from them were the yellowjackets. You might need a big panel for a little fountain.

      1. Anonnington*

        I’ve actually had good luck with solar lights! Mine haven’t needed much of a charge, but they do burn out eventually.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I can grant that being full of yellowjackets every summer might have damaged some things.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Ive been looking for this as well, mostly on Amazon. Most of the ones I’ve seen tend to have pretty big, obtrusive panels, and I don’t know if they hold a charge.

      Our spot is sunny pretty much all day, so I might settle for one of those floating birdbath bubblers, and just put it in a nice-looking basin.

      1. Anonnington*

        I’m considering that. Using one of those and picking out a nice pot for it to go in, or building something . . . I could pick out a large bowl at a thrift store and then put it on top of a stack of rocks or a log.

    3. Venus*

      I might look at an electric fountain that you like, see how much power it needs, and then sort out how big a panel you need to make it work. I don’t think that would be hard, at least superficially, and could let you know if it’s reasonable

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Walmart, Home Depot, Target and Wayfair are advertising them.

      I looked at Target’s offering. They are actually pretty neat.

    5. The pest, Ramona*

      We have a pond (like yours, not a lot of sun) with a small fountain powered by a small (1′ x 1′) solar panel. It was about $90, and we added a longer cord so the panel could go up on the roof for more sunlight. Most of the time it does create a very pleasant trickle sound, and the birds like to land and take a bath in the fountain.
      However, basically the fountain stops when the sun goes away, so on really cloudy days there is barely a trickle, and after dark no water flow at all.

    6. Anonnington*

      I ordered the bird bath bubbler and I’m going to build a fountain. It’ll be good. I’m going to find some kind of large bowl and decorate it.

  66. VT*

    Tomato plants. I’ve planted tomatoes from seeds for years and usually get determinate varieties. But this year, I grabbed a “salad pack”, which was a variety pack that promised it had plum, grape, cherry etc seeds in it. I love a good surprise so I planted about 7 plants. But I know that some are determinate and indeterminate varieties and now that they are growing, I have no idea which what ones are what. Is there a way to tell if a plant is determinate or indeterminate while the plants are still small? I have a few big cages for indeterminate varieties and would like to know if I need more.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Not when they’re tiny, afaik.

      But once they get flower buds, determinates have the flowers on the ends and stop making new shoots.

      Indeterminates flower along the sides of the vine and keep growing past it.

  67. Might Be Spam*

    Over the last two weekends I posted about my landlord selling my building and I don’t have a lease. There’s an accepted offer on the building and they are waiting on the inspection. My landlord was putting off discussing my lease and I finally found out why. My lease ended about a year and a half ago and converted to month-to-month. When I found out about the sale, I asked for a lease to prevent my rent going up as soon as the property was sold.

    My landlord told me that I don’t need to sign a new lease because he took the original lease and whited-out the dates and put in new ones, giving me a lease until next March, 9 months from now. I didn’t agree to anything or sign anything. He did this on his own without telling me. When I questioned the dates, he told me that he already gave the lease to the realtor for the buyer. He claims I am bound by this altered lease, which I did not agree to and did not sign. I don’t even have the same last name, because I got divorced and changed my name two years ago. I do not feel bound by this lease and all I have to do to get out of it is tell the realtor or buyer that there is no original lease because I didn’t sign it and it also has the wrong name on it.

    I’m not planning on saying anything, because I feel free to look for a new place if I don’t like the new owners. Should I say something now or keep quiet until I decide what to do? Am I bound by this lease if I don’t say anything? There is no written or electronic communication of any kind from my landlord. He doesn’t even leave phone messages. All I have are texts from me asking him for a new lease last week. As far as I know, I am off the hook for all of this and all I have to do, is decide if I want to stay or move.

    1. BRR*

      Your landlord falsified a contract that you didn’t agree to, same as if he whites out your rent and doubled it. You’re not bound by it because you didn’t agree to it. I really don’t have a suggestion on what to do next but your lease is a contract and you can’t bind someone to something that you white out and write over.

    2. Come On Eileen*

      You are not bound by a falsified lease, no. Once you are ready to leave, you can leave free and clear as long as you give the amount of notice required when you are month to month. Live and be well!

    3. valentine*

      You are on extremely shaky ground. Are you sure the new owners just want to also be the new landlords, that they don’t plan on living there or just want the land? Do you have a copy of the original lease, that says x months, then month-to-month? I don’t see anything that says you get to stay once this fraudster hands over the property.

      While you’re not morally bound by the fraudulent document, it’s up to a judge to determine that’s what it is. You should tell the agent and buyer about it and get ahead of the message. Your landlord could easily say you whited it out and he didn’t notice before giving it to them, assuming he even did any of this. You can’t trust a thing he says.

      You need a lawyer who works in tenancy law and a new residence ASAP.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with this. OP needs to speak to a lawyer ASAP and be proactive now. Absolutely do not sit back and wait.

      2. Observer*

        While I agree that the OP needs a lawyer, if that thing actually has white out on it, there is no way that any judge is taking it seriously. And, given the wrong name on it. it’s highly unlikely that any judge will really take the claim of the landlord seriously anyway.

        Which DOES put @might be spam at risk, because if the new owners decide that they want to change the rent or move in, the lease won’t stop them.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Basically, you need to choose and act here. Step 1, ask for a copy of the lease, and read it. Step 2, decide to accept or reject it and notify the landlord in writing (by email) so there’s a copy of the date. If you say “I accept the lease” then basically it becomes valid. If you say “I reject the lease,” then it’s probably not.

      If you sit around and do nothing, you’ll probably end up getting whatever outcome is most beneficial to the other people involved, assuming they’re more proactive than you, so… yeah. Get on with it.

      1. Observer*

        No. Talk to a lawyer first. The landlord has proven to be unreliable – he’s either lying through his teeth about the lease or he’s falsifying it. When dealing with people like that you need to be ultra careful. @Valentine is 100% about this.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      The document is altered. It has been whited out. It won’t hold up in court. The landlord forged a legal document.
      If he is wise, he won’t want you to press that point too hard.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        It will hold up if he can prove he told her about it and she implicitly agreed to the alteration by not objecting.

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            He’s told her about it now. So if she goes “uh, no, I’m not ok with that, we defaulted to monthly after the first term’s expiration,” then yeah, he can’t just unilaterally change the lease terms. But if she says nothing, her conduct will be seen as acceptance. If he goes to a judge and is like “I figured we were renewing the lease on the same terms, but we were too busy to sign it, so I told her I’d just use the old lease and change the name,” then essentially he has made a new lease. It was made on old crap paper, sure, but contracts aren’t like resumes – they don’t get tossed out just because it’s crap paper with white-out on it.

            What’s she gonna tell the judge? “Ok, yes, he told me he updated the lease like that, but no, I didn’t object. Why? Well, I wanted him to think that we had a valid binding lease, obviously, but keep the right to ditch it if I wanted.”

            A judge is gonna be like “sorry, agreeing to a contract is basically just communicating to the other party your willingness to be bound by the terms therein, so since you intentionally communicated that… yeah. You got a contract.”

            1. Observer*

              I doubt that not objecting is the same as agreeing.

              What they are going to tell the judge is “When I questioned Landlord about the situation, he claimed that I’m bound and it doesn’t matter what I think.” That’s the truth. And it’s going to be hard for him to claim that that’s not what happened.

              Having said that, talking to a lawyer is a good first step. Because this is someone who will lie if it suits him, and that means that just calling him back and saying “No, that’s not ok” may not be the best way to push back.

              1. Traffic_Spiral*

                Calling him, no. This stuff needs to be in writing. That being said, there are certain times when silence counts as acceptance, contractually, and this would be one of those times. I mean, sure, she should talk to a lawyer if she can/wants to afford it, but in the meantime, yeah, she needs to decide which way she wants to go.

            2. Cat*

              So that is not the legal rule. But there are a lot of possible scenarios here and none of us have enough info to say what will happen so probably best to avoid legal advice.

    7. Alex*

      While you are probably correct that you are not bound by that lease, it also means that the new owners aren’t bound by it, and could possibly decide to kick you out or raise your rent a whole lot with just 30 days notice. If you are OK with that state of affairs, then it’s fine to not do anything. Honestly I’d probably move out of that whole mess if possible.

    8. Observer*

      You are not bound by this new contract. But now you know that he’s not someone you can trust for anything. The bottom line is that you don’t really even know what he told the other folks.

    9. Anono-me*

      This all sounds really weird to me.

      I think all of the people who said you should talk to a lawyer about the lease being altered are probably right.

      My worry is is that the old landlord didn’t alter the lease and just fed you a line to keep you from pushing for a new lease. Without a lease, the new landlords can decline to renew your lease and ask you to move out or significantly increase the rent.

  68. Seeking Second Childhood*

    PSA time for US taxpayers… that extended federal tax deadline is now 10 days away.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Have you tried face sticks for babies/kids? They’re usually high SPF. All the brands make them.

      I use them when running, and don’t have a problem with my eyes stinging the way creams and lotions do.

    2. Hanna*

      I use the Biore UV Aqua Rich Watery Essence Sunscreen (SPF50+) as a facial sunscreen every day. It has a light gel texture and fully absorbs – definitely no running. I have very fair skin and burn easily, and this is the best I’ve found.

      1. Reba*

        This is the best one! It’s sometimes hard to find (I’m in the US and technically I think it can’t be sold here); it’s the only thing I still buy through Amazon. There is a Japanese Nivea Super Water Gel that is very similar.
        Many people swear by Laroche-Posay. It’s kind of spendy but at least in my area, you can find it in stores.

    3. Jonah*

      I’ve had good luck with the Neutrogena Beach Defense stick sunscreen. It looks like a stick of deodorant, and I’ve used it in the pool, at the beach, and hiking, and I don’t think it’s ever gotten in my eyes.

    4. No Tribble At All*

      Bare Republic sunblock is nice and thick, waterproof, and they also make a stick form that’s useful to bring with you.

    5. Senor Montoya*

      Neutrogena pure and free baby. It’s got titanium dioxide and looks a bit whitish on your skin. Works great.

    1. Grim*

      I went out to watch it, but had to run back into the house because of the near constant booms, bangs and concussive explosions happening from the weapons grade mortars, rockets and firecrackers insulting my ears and pounding my body.

      It was like a bloody war that started 30 min before dusk and continued for a good 4 hours. I just now woke up (3am Pacific time) to open the windows for the cool night air and there are still random pops from bottle rockets occuring.

      My cats were freaking out and it sucked for me because I have severe tinnitus. Please let it be over tonight!
      Please, please, please…

      Now the slight smell of gun powder is wafting in, time to shut the windows. Grrr.

    2. Reba*

      Not really, but we did see the huge, red full moon near moonrise when we were out taking in the neighborhood fireworks. We had a lot of cloud by the time the actual eclipse was beginning.

      What did you see?

    3. D3*

      Tried to, but at it’s max it still just looked like a regular moon where I am. MAAAAAYBE a little dimmer on one side.

  71. Esme*

    What’s everyone reading right now?

    I’m listening to the audiobook of Dragon’s Green by Scarlett Thomas and re-reading The Quiet at the End of the World by Lauren James.

  72. Lena Clare*

    I am STILL reading TS Joyce’s It Begins With Her series! I started book 2 then got sidetracked with my uni assignments, so ended waiting till term ended last week to start book 2 again. It’s nice because the series is finished now and I can go straight onto the other books when I’m done, no waiting.
    I can enjoy it more this way.

  73. Induction cooking*

    Anyone have an induction cooktop? We are likely buying a house with one (gas isn’t available in the area, so can’t just switch it out) and I’m wondering if people have any tips or tricks? I’ll also need to buy new cookware, bc most of mine aren’t compatible, so if anyone has recs for that too that would be great.

    1. IntoTheSarchasm*

      We used two portable induction units for about a year during a house remodel. We found it to be very precise and quick to heat and cool. Easy to clean as well due to the solid surface. Along with the recommended pans, we found that our cast iron and enameled cast iron worked very well. We liked it just as well as gas and would have gotten induction as part of the new kitchen but the cost at the time steered us to gas.

    3. Autumn*

      I love mine. It cooks much faster than you might be expecting, so keep a close eye until you get the hang of it. I love not worrying about the open flame of gas cooking.

    4. Ronda*

      mom had one. really liked it. they also had a jenn-air (electric) seperately for the the wok and a grill.
      My brother hated it cause not all the pans mom had were compatible and it frustrated him :)

      my other favorite at moms was double wall ovens… great for cookies and no bending.
      I also liked my range that had a small oven on top and big oven on bottom…. mostly just used the top oven which was also my toaster.

  74. Mazzy*

    Does anyone know of any good email service I don’t know about that is like the way Juno used to be? I have a yahoo email and I am literally sick of opening it and seeing all of the inflammatory opinion pieces in articles and politics and protests and all celebrities I don’t care about every time I wanna read my email and I think it’s finally worth the time to put the effort into changing it with all of the companies I use, and with my friends and forwarding myself all of my saved emails and documents because I can’t take it anymore. But is there an equivalent of Juno these days? Or is there only google? Or do you think I will need to set up my own website like my friend has where it’s last name as the domain?

    1. pancakes*

      Are you sure the celeb news page isn’t set up as your home page in your browser? I haven’t used a yahoo email address in years but just logged into an old account, and after I verified my back-up contacts were still correct it just took me to my in-box.

      1. Mazzy*

        I mean when you go to yahoo to then open the email screen. And I’m having some pretty strong ideological differences with the website where even if I could just start in a different screen I don’t want to support the site anymore. I’ve had my last “20 year old celebrity speaks out against how horrible the world is” article shoved in my face for a long time. I don’t want to support a website pushing more and more stuff like that even though I don’t open them. So there’s that.

        1. Lcsa99*

          You don’t have to open it through yahoo. If you enter mail.yahoo dot com it will take you straight to email and you can bypass their homepage.

          1. pancakes*

            That’s what I meant, yes — there’s no need to visit their home page to log in. Stay logged in to your email account (or not, whatever) and make that your home page.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I made a tab on my books marks bar for the email page to login to Yahoo email.
          I think if you google yahoo email login page you will get it.
          You can make something else your homepage, but you’d still have your email page on the bookmarks bar.

          My other email is gmail. It’s alright. I guess. It might just be me, but they all look like they are trying to look like Outlook. sigh.

    2. Belle*

      Do you have an ad blocker running? That might also stop a lot of the political stuff from showing.

    3. Reba*

      I use an application aka email client, not the web browser. If you set that up, you will never need to go to yahoo . com or whatever. Apple Mail, Outlook, Thunderbird are examples.

      We have gmail, and we both have personal domains (but they just forward to gmail). The interface is pretty minimalist, there are ads but not bad. Thinking about moving to ProtonMail, though.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I still have my original Juno account, but I have Thunderbird on my laptop and I have set up my Gmail app on my phone to check it. I’m pretty sure you can do the same with Yahoo so you don’t have to go to the website if you’re so inclined.

    5. Observer*

      Google is pretty good, if you are not ideologically opposed to their behavior. Their home page doesn’t have much and you can get to your email without seeing anything.

      If you don’t want to do that, Outlook (that belongs to Microsoft) is much the same. Their home page is not quite as clean, but it’s mostly pitches MS products. And, again, you can go to email without dealing with their home page anyway.

      And I trust both of those companies to not lose my email and to keep people out of there. I don’t trust Yahoo – their behavior has been atrocious and I’m not confident that Verizon has done the necessary housecleaning and investment to change that.

  75. LQ*

    I have a weird COVID test question. I live alone. I live about a mile or so from the nearest location where I think they are doing COVID testing (my local clinic). I don’t own a car. Normally when I’ve gotten sick I just walk over, no big deal. I walk a lot, sometimes it takes a LONG time to get home but it’s a nice walk, even in winter and it’s never bothered me. I’ve done outpatient procedures and strolled home after with a break along the river for a rest. There are a couple busses I could take but it doesn’t cut much off the walk and if I think I had COVID I wouldn’t want to expose folks with my potential COVID. So if you need COVID testing and you don’t have a car, how do you manage?

    I figure if it isn’t that bad I’ll just walk. But if I’m that sick, do I skip testing? (The only reason I hesitate to skip testing is I have to physically show up to work, and while we are distant, I’d want a test and to know and inform.)

    1. nep*

      I don’t have enough trust in tests (aren’t false negatives common?), so even when I got the test I feel like it really didn’t do anything for me. Sure, if I got a positive result, that would be important information. But the negative result kind of left me hanging.
      Are you asking whether you should be tested if you feel symptoms, or just as a precaution?
      (Jealous that you get to walk along a river regularly.)

      1. nep*

        (To put that in a more positive way: How nice that you get to walk along a river regularly.)

        1. LQ*

          It is lovely. I can’t imagine living somewhere I wasn’t close enough to a walkable body of water so I sometimes don’t appreciate it enough. I’m going to try to get out for more walks. I’ve been doing too much of the thing we don’t talk about here to enjoy it as much as I usually do.

          This is entirely precautionary planning on my part. I’m single, live alone, don’t have a car, and so it’s just one of those things that comes up as a how do I handle question.

      2. Not A Girl Boss*

        Yeah, this happened to a friend. It was early on and they were discouraging testing. They finally tested him 2 weeks after he first got sick when be wound up in the hospital. It was negative. Then they said “oh well, it’s probably because by now you “just” have pneumonia but the COVID is gone” and it was like… Ok, so why bother making me take the test?

        He later tested positive for antibodies.

        1. pancakes*

          The same people who discouraged testing were doing the testing? This doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. There are much better ways to assess the accuracy of testing that swapping anecdotes.

          2. LQ*

            Early on when there weren’t enough tests to go around (and I’d guess in areas where there still aren’t) they were definitely discouraging the rush to get a covid test that was happening some places so I’m not surprised. It was sort of a… if you get sick, act as if you have it, which…turns out is the right thing here for me too.

          3. Not A Girl Boss*

            They discouraged testing (because they didn’t have enough tests) until he was admitted to the hospital. This was march 5 or so, when there was a serious test shortage.

            I get that it’s an anecdote but this is incredibly representative of how things were done before testing was widely available. My point is, just because you can get tested doesn’t mean you have to in order to take appropriate care.

            1. pancakes*

              I agree that testing isn’t always required to take appropriate care, but many people who work in healthcare were, early on, trying to make the point that there weren’t nearly enough tests to go around, nor nearly enough PPE. I think it’s important to distinguish this stance from that of government officials who discourage testing for other reasons (not wanting statistics to be publicized, for example). Particularly since there are still many places where testing still isn’t easy to get.

            2. pancakes*

              I want to add, too, that what I was saying about anecdotes was meant in response to nep asking, “aren’t false negatives common?” I don’t think that’s worth swapping anecdotes about; I think it calls for reading up on what professionals have found.

      3. MsChanandlerBong*

        I don’t know if they’re common, but I am convinced I had COVID even though my test was negative. I have had the flu very bad a few times, and this was nothing like it. My breathing was so bad that I ended up in the ER with my oxygen saturation in the 60s. If I sat completely still and didn’t speak, I was okay. But the second I spoke to a doctor or got out of bed to use the bathroom, my O2 sat would go crazy. I was sick for two weeks with cough, fatigue, shortness of breath/breathlessness, and other symptoms. I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom without running out of air. It was NOT any fun.

        1. nep*

          Oh my goodness. Poor thing. That sounds absolutely terrifying. You’re fine now?
          (My take is for now we should all act as if we and everyone around us has it…only way to keep it in check.)

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            Yes, thank you! I was sick for about two weeks. Hardly got out of bed for most of that time, and took two trips to the emergency room. If I had it, I am pretty sure I got it from the hospital. I had a bad episode caused by my hyperparathyroidism about 10 days before I started having COVID symptoms–I had to go to the ER and spend about six hours there. They did a great job of distancing everyone and making people wear masks, but I may have picked it up in a treatment area or something.

    2. Colette*

      Normally, I’d say you ask someone for a ride, but of course that’s not a good idea.

      If you physically can’t get to the site but you are mildly sick (i.e. you can stay at home), it’s probably not all that important to know whether you have it or not; if you’re sick enough that you want to know, you should be staying home anyway. If you are sicker than that, you need to be at the hospital anyway, which might require a 911 call (even if you could walk enough to get to a car, paramedics are going to be your best choice.)

      1. LQ*

        My only concern about knowing is reporting due to physically being at work. Though I think the answer there may just be to report in and have them function as if I had it regardless.

        I think there is a lot of space between not being able to walk a mile in the heat and needing to be in the hospital which is what I’ve been stressing out about. Though I think the answer is just report in that I may have it and let them deal with the physical space at work though.

        Hopefully I never get to the call 911 part.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          I think that’s the right move. TBH you don’t want them waiting the few days before you get a positive test before they clean up your physical space anyway. Safer for everyone, with limited downside, if you just presume positive.

          1. Colette*

            Yeah, I agree. If you’re sick, you should tell them that you have symptoms that match COVID and let them act as if you have it.

    3. Tris Prior*

      I don’t have a car. Should I need a test, my plan is to walk, masked, and do my very best to keep 6′ away from other pedestrians (which can be a challenge on the narrow sidewalks in my city; usually I walk in the grass, or in the street if I’m not a major thoroughfare where that would result in me getting run over).

      I feel like that’s the most responsible thing to do, as I’d expose people on public transport, in a rideshare, or whoever uses the zipcar after me. Of course, this presumes that I’m not too sick to walk. If that happens…. then I’m honestly not sure what to do.

      1. LQ*

        Yeah, this is what’s been running through my head. Though I think the point of folks here of just assume it’s a positive test and go about things that way is a good strategy and what it looks like the local health department is saying folks should do too.

        So stay home and assume it’s positive.

    4. D3*

      Honestly, if you get to a point where you need a test, call the health department, explain the situation, and ask them what to do.
      You’re probably not the only one in this situation, they probably have alternate plans but just don’t publicize them.

      1. LQ*

        Oh, this is a good call too! I can definitely do that. I may just poke around on their website preemptively and I’ll bet they have an FAQ about it. Thank you!

        1. Windy Village*

          Where I live you can get the test mailed to you, and post it back. Adds a couple of days to the processing but avoids having to travel.

    5. Not A Girl Boss*

      I had COVID (now confirmed by antibodies) at the beginning of March when testing was not widely available. My doctor told me it was better for everyone of I stayed home unless I needed serious medical treatment, so that’s what I did. No test for me.

      For returning to work we treated it like we would if the test was positive (and honestly, how you should for any serious illness) – I had to wait until I’d been fever free for 3 days without the assistance of fever lowering medication. And even after that waiting period was over, I was in no shape to return to work because I was so short of breath.

      Not to mention, the last thing your body needs when fighting off a respiratory illness is a long walk.

      So I guess my advice is: don’t bother with the test and just go about your life as if you are positive. The tests aren’t accurate or fast enough to really rely on anyway.

      1. LQ*

        Yeah, I think after reading the comments that’s the right way to handle it. I’ve done the walk with pneumonia before in the winter so I’m going to be honest that it didn’t entirely occur to me that it might not be a good idea for my lungs. I was just thinking what if I’m too tired or sick to make it all the way back home. (Home is uphill, I’d be less concerned if it was downhill.) Thank you!

    6. Llama face!*

      This is one of the things I haven’t figured out either as another no-car single person. They aren’t publicising the location of testing sites where I live (they will tell you the location only when you’ve called in and set up an appointment) so I don’t even know if it is a walkable distance. I’m also interested in what suggestions people may have.

    8. Analyst Editor*

      I think outside in sunlight and without people crowding you, and especially in a mask, your fine to do the walk without substantially putting others at risk.

    9. Sparrow*

      I also live in a city without a car. There’s a city run testing site about a mile away from me. If I developed mild/moderate symptoms, I would bike or walk there. If the illness hit me like a ton of bricks and I didn’t feel well enough to do that, I would probably stay home unless I got bad enough to go to the hospital. I might call the health department and ask what they suggest (if they would suggest testing for my roommates for example)

  76. Third or Nothing!*

    Any other tea lovers in here? I just discovered the most delightful tea. It’s steampunk themed AND has fun little stories on every tin, plus actual short stories on their website. It’s called Tea Punk Teas, and the tisane I’m drinking right now is called Duke’s Just Dessert.

    1. HamlindigoBlue*

      That looks interesting. It sounds like it might be similar to one of my favorites, Glazed Lemon Loaf from Tazo.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Sounds fun! See also Adagio Teas; they have a variety of fandom blends (everything from Doctor Who to Critical Role to Jane Austen to Lovecraft) with some really intriguing mixes. My sister got me the “Sam Vimes” tea: “This was a wholesome, perfectly decent cup of cocoa until some idiot dropped a cigar into it. But what is an overworked night watchman to do? Hazards like injury, death, and cocoa contamination are all just part of the job. And what do you know? It still tastes good.” It’s surprisingly drinkable, given the “cigar” reference – wasn’t expecting cocoa nibs in my tea but it does work!

      1. Chai town*

        Blue Lotus Chai is my current fave, and it’s instant! No waiting for the tea to steep. A co-worker turned me on to this brand, it’s really good for a quick cup at work. You can order in bulk on line too.

  77. Not A Girl Boss*

    Advice for a dog with crippling fear of beepy noises?

    One time 3 years ago we left a low battery smoke detector beeping for an entire 24 hours, and our poor dog has never recovered.
    His fear level of beeps is insane. Wide mouth panting and drooling, hair falling out, quivering and clawing into your arms. Just loses it for hours afterward.

    We waited for a month for him to recover, trying to treat him during beeps, but he just got worse and worse. He is incredibly food motivated but won’t eat with beeps nearby.

    We have had to disable all beepy alarms in our house. Instead of the stove timer we use our phone with soothing chimes as the end tone.

    The neighbors that border our back yard got a low smoke detector battery once (after 3 days we marched over with a fresh pack of 9 volts and begged them to fix it) and it took a full month before he’d pee in the backyard again.

    Well, now the new Amazon delivery vehicle for our area has a “safety feature” where it makes three smoke-detector-like beeps when it starts moving. We live in a tiny packed together neighborhood so this happens every 30 seconds or so for about an hour.

    Our dog isn’t sleeping or eating and his hair is all fallen out… And can’t exaclty protect him from this particular noise.
    I don’t want to medicate him for the rest of his life, but is there any other option?

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        They recommended exposure therapy but we couldn’t find an exposure “dose” low enough to not send him into a wild panic. It’s kind of hard to scale down the noise or intensity level of beeps.

        1. fposte*

          There are ways you can do that, though–record it on your phone and put it at a super low volume, for instance, and/or under a pillow. That would also give you control over the duration. Enlist somebody to set a single muffled beep off at the end of your driveway while he’s inside. Assume he heard it even if you didn’t whether he reacts or not, and treat him. Then let it go for the day. Next day ramp up the volume just a bit from the same place. If the single beep from there is too much, take the phone down the street and try again.

          Not saying it would for sure work, just that it seems like this would offer a way to try it.

    2. blaise zamboni*

      Oh poor baby! That sounds terrible for all of you.

      First I would make sure you have all the basic safe-haven measures for your dog.
      Does he have a crate where he can feel secure? If so, can you maybe put a blanket over it so he can “hide” from what’s scaring him?
      Does he respond positively to you reassuring him? My very timid cat has grown tremendously because she knows my voice saying “it’s ok” means she’s safe, though it took a while to firmly establish that.
      Is it possible to play some sort of white noise or soothing music to drown out the beeping, at least within the house?

      Second – have you talked to his vet about this? Honestly, I suspect this is a pain issue. It could be that the beeping is at a pitch that hurts his ears, or at least that the initial smoke detector beep hurt his ears and now he’s anticipating that all the time. If that is the case, it might be possible to (sloooooooooowly) do positive conditioning to reset his expectation of that noise. There are CDs for dogs that have common noises that dogs become phobic toward, and you could try playing one of those on a very low volume during playtime or mealtime, gradually increasing it as he becomes more tolerant of it. I imagine it would help to use anti-anxiety medication for the duration of this period.
      It could also be that he has some other painful condition and his fear response triggers more pain, which makes him more fearful, which causes more pain, and so on in a positive feedback loop. Then treating the underlying condition should help him, at least so his fear is at a reasonable level to undergo conditioning for the sound.

      I found several good articles by searching “dog sensitive to beeping sound” – apparently this is a fairly common issue with dogs, so hopefully you can find more useful information there. Good luck, let us know if it works!

    3. Nicole76*

      Oh no, poor puppers! I remember coming home from work one day and my dog was acting really strange/scared and then I noticed the smoke detector beeping. Luckily it didn’t cause her long term anxiety like your poor boy. Could you run some type of white noise in the house that’s loud enough to drown out the Amazon truck while also not assaulting your ears? If he stays in a single area when he’s scared, it might work better than if he runs around the house.

    4. Cruciatus*

      I wonder if talking to Amazon is at all a possibility? I realize it’s a safety feature and it might be impossible to lower the volume, but it could be worth at least asking about it. Is there someone that is in the vehicle? Or is it self-driving? If there’s a driver I would probably try talking about it person-to-person first, and then go to Amazon if they weren’t sure if they had any options regarding that. Like, maybe they could park once and then deliver packages by hand if the neighborhood is so tightly packed–that way there isn’t a constant barrage of beeps. Nothing to lose by asking, but I’m sorry this is happening to your pup! Otherwise thunder shirts? White noise like someone suggested? Dog ear muffs (only kind of kidding).

    5. Anonnington*

      I have no advice, but poor little guy! My dog also has some phobias. It’s hard to see them get scared and not be able to help them.

    6. Not A Girl Boss*

      Thanks for the advice everyone. My brother in law is a vet and said nothing is wrong with him, but min pins are just prone to anxiety.

      We had originally tried exposure therapy but it was so incredibly upsetting to him that we figured it was easier to just remove beeps from his life. But I guess now that equation has changed and we need to try again. I think it’ll be tough to do since its not like we can remove the sound except for during training – it’s now a part of our normal landscape.

      I’m wondering if I can complain to Amazon more broadly about neighborhood peace. We have dozens of delivery vehicles and none of them have ever run over a human, so the beeping noise every time the (manned) truck starts moving just seems a little excessive in general. I know if I was the person driving the truck I wouldn’t be a fan.

  78. D3*

    So if Bob and Betty’s daughter Beth marries Doug, son of Dave and Diana, what is the relationship between the two sets of parents? Is there a word for that?

    1. Egge*

      No, not officially. I’ve seen people use “co-parents-in-law”, which is a hell of a mouthful. But there’s not really any formal relationship there.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I just hear “my son-in-laws parents,” or “Diana’s in-laws,” something like that. Though occasionally they’ll just refer to each other by saying “we’re in-laws.”

  79. Analyst Editor*

    This is perhaps the first time I’ve read a book Alison has recommended in many years, if ever….
    I really enjoyed that book. I like Carrie’s moral compass and that the book in an All The Misery Must Happen type book.

    And it’s sufficiently different from the movie (on Netflix) that you can consume in any order.

  80. Gina reporting*

    I sent my 50k fiction to several off-the-beaten-path publishing companies plus a few short story international contests. Progress!

    Also, I turned down a family member’s lunch invitation. They had a barbecue with 5 coworkers and a mask-less preschooler. All of whom work in the medical community.

    Hubs has 2 autoimmune conditions and I just didn’t feel comfortable (having an autoimmune eye disorder). The day after said lunch, family member asks if I want to come over for leftovers. Nope.

    I feel a bit mean. Was I mean?

    4. Penguin*

      Prioritizing your and your husband’s safety isn’t mean; it’s rational. Good on you!

    5. Laura H.*

      You were only mean if you were snotty (tonal not literal) while declining. Most reasonable people understand that to a degree this is still a thing and likewise understand reasons for a declining.

      You’re good! And congrats on the book!

    6. Tone matters*

      Were you mean? Depends on your tone. You don’t give context as to relationship with this family member — whether it’s a warm and loving relationship or an adversarial one, for example, and that matters to some degree.
      It seems they offered the next-day leftovers invite based the reasonable guess that you *might* feel more comfortable coming when no guests were there. It’s definitely reasonable to decline their invitation, but if your reply was simply, “Nope,” then yes, that is rude and would be hurtful to many people. (I can’t tell from your comment whether “Nope” is just what you’re writing here, or if that’s what you said to the family member.)
      If you care about the relationship and don’t want to offend, you would have declined kindly and graciouslessly, i.e., “Thank you for reaching out — I care about you and value our relationship [if that’s true], but I cannot socialize even with small groups at this time, since my husband and I both have autoimmune disorders.”

    7. Observer*

      As others said, it depends on tone. Taking care of yourself is not mean, it’s reasonable.

      Please note, by the way, that the preschooler is not likely to be a vector. Yes, some children that age do get it, but it’s REALLY rare for a preschooler. And truly asymptomatic spreading* turns out to be quite rare. Which means that preschoolers are not a real risk factor.

      *The problem with adults is that you cannot tell the difference between someone who is asymptomatic and PRE-symptomatic (and those people DO spread the disease) and also sometimes the symptoms are mild enough that people ignore or overlook them.

  81. I'm just here for the cats!*

    I could use some perspective. Has anyone had a really stupid landlord. Does this make sense: he put weed barrier (the plastic type) in the parking spots and put staples to keep it down. They stick up pretty high though. He’s going to get gravel to put down there. I don’t think this makes any sense because when it snows I’m not going to be able to shovel and the cars will just tear up the weed barrier.
    I’m also afraid that the staples will come up and end up in our car tires.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      As long as he gets the gravel down soonish I think it will be fine. Everything should be under the gravel and it shouldn’t impact shoveling if I am picturing it right.

      But yes, I had a rotten landlord once and can relate to the frustration!

  82. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

    I’m really having a hard time with my family right now. My sister is a nurse and should know better but the whole family (parents, sister and her family) went on a road trip to the ancestral home, so to speak, two states away for the 4th of July. I know it’s been hard for my mom not to be able to visit my grandmother the last few months but the place where grandma lives is a bit of a hot spot and I know that none of my extended family is being very cautious about the virus. It’s kind of impossible to avoid the politics around it because most of my family are very much on the conservative side and my mom has started expressing the idea that the virus is a hoax. So far I have managed to keep my cool but I’m worried now that because everyone came over to Grandma’s yesterday that she will contract the virus and die before I have a chance to see her again. I know there’s nothing I can do about it but I really need some better strategies to deal with the worry.

    1. Dan*

      This may not be a popular position, but here’s how I’ve come to live with the choices old people make during this pandemic… even knowing this can be fatal at that age. I’m not old enough to be considered old (just flirting with middle age at this point), but I do *not* want to go out slobbering in a nursing home when I can’t remember my own name. That is so not the prize I’m looking to win. And I’ve realized this may very well be how the older generation is looking at COVID. Some may not appreciate the risks, and TBH, that’s on them. But what do you say to those who say, “You know what? I understand the risks, and I accept them. I’ve got to go sometime, and if this is it, then so be it.”? So my coping strategy for this is to accept/assume that people are making informed choices, and are satisfied with the risk. And for those that aren’t making an informed choice, that’s a whole different conversation.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        You say they are putting others at risk, not just themselves, and in some cases taking up badly needed medical resources (and putting health care professionals at risk too).

      2. Dawbs*

        see, I can’t.
        I understand the view. I appreciate it. But I bucked up and locked up and made my own life REALLY hard for literally months to protect people.
        And, tomorrow, I have to go out in public (again) and deal with the unmasked masses at the grocery store. And do you know what that means? it means it increases the odds that I become a carrier. I may or may not be symptomatic, but every member of the public people who breathes on me increases the odds that I become a carrier–and if they’ve been careless, it increases it more.

        And, you know what? I could forgive that. I’m young(ish) and healthy(ish) and will probably get better.
        But the groceries I buy will also be being taken over to my immunocompromised mom’s.
        Delivered w/ a card from her granddaughter–the one she’s not been seeing a lot of because of lockdown.

        If people were ONLY screwing themselves over, then, sure, have fun storming the castle, enjoy your short life.
        Bt they’re not. They’re deciding that their freedom to take those risks is more important than my mom’s LIFE.

      3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I could understand this if I felt like Grandma herself was deciding this, but I think it’s more the rest of my family being cavalier about the risks and just doing whatever they usually do at Grandma’s (normal stuff like sitting around the table talking etc). And my parents are both at risk even though they are both very involved in my sister’s family life and in fact if she didn’t have my parents to babysit she probably wouldn’t be able to have a job. It just makes me sad and worried that my extended family seems to be so thoughtless.

  83. StudentA*

    A few people I know are taking some low key vacations this year. I’m neutral and I’m happy they’re getting a chance to get away if that makes them happy. They’re all smart and I trust they’re taking precautions.

    What are your plans this summer? Whether or not you’re going on vacation? And what’s your opinion on vacations this year?

    1. Grim*

      My son rented an RV and took his family of 4 to the Trinity Alps in northern California for week of camping and fishing. It’s a 3 hour drive from his home.

      Next door neighbors just returned from a 3 day visit to the same location and said the campgrounds are set up for social distancing and everyone was taking it serious, wearing masks and keeping 6′ away from everyone else.

      I believe camping is generally safe because you’re outside and not indoors with others who could potentially infect you. I don’t plan to take a vacation the summer, but if I did, it would be outdoors to where I can drive to it.

    2. Not A Manager*

      We’re on vacation. We drove to the city my family is in and we’re staying in a airbnb with a big backyard.

      Given that surface transmission is not the *usual* route, we felt comfortable wearing masks at gas stations and using their bathrooms. All of the ones we stopped at were not crowded at all and very clean. We ate a picnic lunch at outdoor rest stops.

      We did have to stay in hotels along the way, but again, the public spaces were not crowded, we wore masks, and while we wiped down the surfaces in the rooms, we also kept in mind that we were unlikely to get sick from them.

      In our destination city, we are only seeing people outdoors and at a distance. Sitting far apart from our family is weird, but it’s the price we’re willing to pay to be with them at all.

    3. Anonnington*

      I live in a perfect spot, so I’m staying and appreciating it to the fullest.

      NYC is always changing. It’s rare to find a neighborhood you really love, and it tends not to last. So I’m making the most of it.

    4. Lcsa99*

      We’re hoping to do our annual trip to the finger lakes at the end of August but I don’t know if that’s gonna happen. They are reopening the wineries, but not for tastings just full glasses or bottle sales and we really go for the tastings.

    5. Alex*

      I’m going backcountry camping. The original social distancing!

      I think vacations are perfectly fine as long as you follow reasonable rules, like wearing a mask in public, washing your hands a lot, etc. Obviously resorts full of buffets or crowded theme parks are out, but going out into the woods or a week at a beach cottage doesn’t seem any more risky than hanging out at home.

    6. Staying Alive*

      No holiday this summer for me. I think it would be reckless and irresponsible to travel at this time. I’m not in the USA, and where I live the coronavirus infection rate is very much on the decline, but we are still being encouraged to minimise travel, contact etc.

      From what I can see, in places where the infection rate is still high it would be horribly irresponsible to travel – the risk of increasing contact, getting caught up in a localised outbreak and having to quarantine away from home, adding to pressures on healthcare systems in tourist hotspots etc.

      Holidays are a luxury and right now we can do without them. But there will be a lot of people who are determined to go anyway and will do whatever mental gymnastics are required to convince themselves that they can do so safely. Those people are gonna get a lot of others sick. :/ I’m not going to be one of them.

    7. Disco Janet*

      We cancelled our Disney vacation, but in a couple weeks we are driving a few hours to Lake Michigan. Numbers in our state have fortunately stayed on the lower side since mid-April (saw a small surge to to people who couldn’t stay away when the bars reopened – ugh – but those have now been closed again). We’re staying at an AirBNB in a rural area and will just spend a few days social distancing along the beach and exploring the sand dunes. Going mid-week to make sure social distancing is possible, and if it isn’t we’ll leave.

      I’m a teacher on summer vacation and literally have not left my house or seen anyone besides my husband, children, or parents in months, which has been very tough on my anxiety disorder. I’m looking forward to a chance of scenery for a few days!

      1. Disco Janet*

        And on a related note, my in-laws are currently mad that we’re doing this mini-getaway but refuse to come to their lake house. But they refuse to take even the most basic safety precautions. They’ve been eating inside restaurants, going to the pool, barbecues, shopping, get togethers, etc. Never wearing a mask. Had my husband’s uncle at their 4th of July barbecue even though his daughter just tested positive! The lack of common sense astounds me. Needless to say, we haven’t seen them in quite awhile.

    8. MsChanandlerBong*

      Well, I am supposed to fly back home to visit my family in September, and then my mom and I are going to drive to Gatlinburg, TN. The problem is that I bought my plane ticket in February, and on June 5, I read in my hometown newspaper that Delta has suspended service to their airport…which is the airport I am flying into. I haven’t heard anything from Delta about it. No changes to my itinerary, cancellations, etc. If needed, I can fly into a couple big airports, but they’re two hours from my hometown, so it would be nice to know now so that whoever is kind enough to pick me up has enough notice. But I can’t get through to Delta on the phone, I sent an email to their corporate help account on June 6 with no response, and even tweeted the Delta account with no response. I am hoping the suspension is just temporary, but I wish I knew for sure.

    9. Dan*

      You know it’s funny… usually when I take vacation time, I’m leaving the country for weeks at a time. It’s extremely rare that I take time off and stay within the US, let alone stay at home.

      I’ve been off work since Wed, and am not scheduled to go back until Wed of this week. I haven’t gone anywhere, but I’m actually really enjoying things to the extent that I may take the entire week off just to do stuff around the apartment.

      I thought work from home would kill me with boredom but it hasn’t.

Comments are closed.