weekend open thread – September 19-20, 2020

by Alison Green on September 19, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Two-Family House, by Lynda Cohen Loigman. Two very different brothers, their wives, and children share a two-family house in the 1940s and 50s, and the sisters-in-law, once close, are driven apart by a secret.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Nela*

    Home security systems — does anyone have one they’d recommend? What do you like about yours / what do you dislike? I think I’d like one and I don’t know where to start.

    Also do you leave yours on all the time or only when you’re away?

    1. gsa*

      I’ve been thinking about one with cameras and such.

      Two schools of thought: on when you’re home to protect yourself OR on when you’re away to protect your things. We can protect ourselves, but would an alert if someone is silently try to get inside…

      I hope others comment.

      Be Safe,

      gsa

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      Look for one that does not have a partnership with the police (looking at you Ring) so that you are not inadvertently contributing to something you might not have intended. Some store videos in the cloud so it can be easy for others to gain access.

      1. Anax*

        Also, if it’s online/”smart”: CHANGE THE PASSWORD. DO NOT KEEP THE DEFAULT. Huge security risk, there’s literally a search engine to watch unsecured security cameras of random people.

    3. MissGirl*

      I’ve got the most basic thing you can get. Alarms that go off when you open a door or window. There’s no subscription and no one is called. It’s just a warning.

    4. Doctor is In*

      We have ADT. We turn it on at night and when we leave for the day. Not cheap compared to DIY, but it is monitored and they call police if the alarm goes off and they can’t reach you. Includes smoke alarms.

      1. Dorian*

        We have also had ADT for 10+ years and have been relatively happy. We had one day where a man experiencing psychosis became fixated on our house and pounded on our door in a rage screaming threats multiple times; I had to push the panic button and the cops arrived fast both times. It paid for itself that day.

    5. Lyudie*

      If you can find info on it, look into “false alarm” stats for companies…at least here, if your alarm system calls the police when there is no issue, you can be fined after a certain number of incidents (plus the numerous other things that can go wrong in that situation).

    6. Buona Forchetta*

      We have Ring and have been pretty happy with it. The cameras are great to check on when I’m not home, and it’s pretty affordable. We leave the system on all the time. I do turn the neighborhood alerts off because they are more alarmist than helpful (at least where I live).

    7. Bob Howard*

      We have a really basic system, which just triggers the alarm if an intruder enters. No internet, no remote monitoring. It also has panic buttons by the front door and in the master bedroom. Also a smoke detector on each floor. We set the ground floor sensors when we go to bed.

      This has worked fine for 20 years. My concern with any network connected system is that every 5 years it will become obsolete, and you will have to rip it out and re-install. That said, I am impressed with my work-mates system that chimes his phone when someone approaches his house, and allows him to see and speak to them.

    8. RussianInTexas*

      We have a very basic Ring and pretty happy with it. Not connected to the neighborhood forum, just the doorbell camera and the motion detector.
      So far it caught a lot of neighborhood cats, and allowed me to prove that the a mail delivery service did deliver the package the claimed they did.

    9. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I have a SimpliSafe, we bought a kit. We have an entry sensor on both doors and all of the first floor windows. It came with a motion sensor and a glassbreak sensor that we installed but weren’t entirely sure we needed, and we added a smoke alarm, so we’ll get a call from the central station if the smoke alarm goes off when we are not home.

      We turn it on at bedtime and leave it on until someone goes outside during the day, and just leave it off until bedtime, unless we go out for something. Then we’ll turn it on for the duration.

    10. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

      Ours is through Vivint and we’ve been happy with it. I like that it has Google Home integration and standalone apps on Android and iOS.

      We arm it at night and when we’re going to be away for more than 4 hours. Less than that and we’re not as disciplined.

    11. Cambridge Comma*

      We have a comprehensive one because we had squatters during our renovation. A second attempt at squatting failed because of the system so it already paid for itself.
      It has different modes so we have it on with the doors armed only all day and night because we have an annex room where we wouldn’t notice a break in.
      We have a monthly subscription but now that we know more about it I would rather buy the system myself and have no running costs. We would save the cost of the system back within four months. Now we have to wait for our contract to expire.
      I like having it. We’ve had 3 false alarms in 2 years, one caused by fireworks hitting the doors (so not quite so false, just dangerous in a different way).

    12. Kage*

      We got a system from Abode with some cameras from Nest after we were broken into. We like Abode as, similar to SimpliSafe, it’s a customizable system. Since we don’t have AC/need to leave windows open overnight in the summer, we can’t use window sensors; we were able to buy instead motion sensors. We also love that it can be tied into your phones and so will automatically turn on/off when we both would leave/come home. We typically have it on whenever we’re gone as well as overnight while we’re sleeping. Sometimes I will turn it on during the day/early evening when I’m home by myself and going to be upstairs where I wouldn’t hear someone breaking in. It can also be auto-set to turn on/off specific times of day.

      After the one-time equipment cost, we now only pay about $80/year just to keep the unit having its own cellular service so that if we lose power/WiFi, the system stays armed (already has its own battery). I think there is a more-expensive monitored option but we have never had that. In the 3 years we’ve had it, we’ve had maybe 3 false alarms (all triggered by pets banging into doors promptly them to swing and set off the motion sensor). We’ve also had probably an equal number of false “real” alarms in the early days where we’ve set it off by opening a door/setting off the motion sensor because we forgot to turn off the system (the 4-yr-old wandering downstairs alone for example).

    13. Bazinga*

      We have Ring and we’re happy with that. It also has a smoke alarm that will notify the fire department as well as our phones.
      I like that because we have dogs and I would hate for something to happen when we weren’t home.

  2. Mental Health and Adult Kids*

    My 18 yo college freshman has struggled with depression and anxiety since about the age of 10. Did therapy through much of the teen years, which was helpful but with turning 18 and going off to college, they’ve lost access to that therapist. Also not willing to do teletherapy with the former therapist or find a new one at school.
    Between the pandemic and the transition to college, things have gotten bad.
    How can I help with getting them to accept and use medication and/or therapy? I am at a loss. Since they’re reaching out to me 3-4 times a day in a paralyzing panic, missing classes, and leaning heavily on me I feel that I have standing to try and help them find help that doesn’t involve being on the phone with me 2-3 hours/day.
    I read “I am not sick, I don’t need help” but it was more personal story than helpful ideas.

    1. Pennyworth*

      I have a family member with similar mental health issues who struggled at the start of an education course. It turned out the college had all sorts of experienced people who could assist with advice and support. I suggest you encourage your freshman to search out what help is available, as soon as possible. I also found WhatsApp messaging a less stressful way to communicate, as it allowed us both to be getting on with other stuff between messages and not tied up on the phone. Things improved for us, I hope they do for you too,

        2. Cabbagepants*

          I also read the child as male. Rereading the letter, my silly brain read “freshman” as gendered even though it isn’t. Oops!

    3. Jessie*

      My anxiety actually started in my freshman year of uni. The transition to high ed is hard and can definitely make things much worse if they are already struggling with anxiety. I can totally understand the paralyzing panic.
      Why are they objecting to getting therapy though? If they had it before and it helped, what is the issue? Especially, if you say, they can go back to the former therapist?

      1. Zooey*

        My experience (as someone who works in higher ed) is that sometimes students have a feeling that starting university will be a new era in which they leave their previous problems behind them. Then when that doesn’t happen, it combines with the general tendency of depression to get in the way of your ability to get help and makes them reluctant to go back to the strategies that work. It’s a really painful realisation as you enter adult life that you are living with a chronic disease that will always need to be managed.

        1. Mephyle*

          There are therapists who specialize in helping patients cope with the idea that their recently acquired disease is chronic and will not go away. I’m aware of this in terms of diseases with physical symptoms, but perhaps this type of specialization can also be applied to patients with mental illness.

        2. Zooey*

          Just coming back to add for the OP that while it can be a hard road for students like this to get back to recognising they do need help, when they do it usually helps a lot if they have supportive parents and former coping strategies. Good luck and hang in there.

      2. Mental Health and Adult Kids*

        I honestly have no idea why they won’t go back. I’ve asked. All I get is a flat NO. I texted with the therapist (to find out if teletherapy was even an option) and she said very much what Zooey suggested. She advised just being gentle and persistent and making sure they know the option is there.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      We went through this but with the adult child still at home. I’m sorry I don’t have much practical advice but am sending emotional support. We had to basically wait it out until he was ready for counseling. While we waited, we found much support from NAMI, national alliance for mental health. What I learned there was to draw boundaries, like I’m not paying for school without support in place, or I’m not able to provide what you need over the phone, it requires a professional. Not delivered in those words but those are the ideas. I agree reaching out to the school could help but I found it gets so much harder when they turn 18 bc they are legally adults. I think you need to work out a plan with them; I cannot force you to get a therapist and I cannot be your therapist, I’m not qualified, so how do you propose we move forward?
      Best to you and your college freshman!

    5. CJM*

      I went through this with one of my kids.

      I pressured her into weekly therapy appointments through cajoling and demanding. I didn’t outright threaten to move her home if she didn’t go, but It was in the back of my mind — and hers too, I’m sure. Not as punishment but because she was ill and needed care, and home was ideal if she couldn’t get better away at college.

      I second looking into mental-health services that the college provides, although off-campus therapists are fine too (mostly we used the latter).

      Compliance — going to appointments and taking medication as prescribed — was the biggest challenge. Many times I took an afternoon off work to get her to her appointment. College was 60 miles away, so it was a royal pain. But there were many missed appointments when I didn’t do that, and the time together seemed to help her. (We’d usually run an errand after her appointment.)

      In retrospect, I probably should have moved her home. But there was no clear answer at the time and a lot of social and familial pressure to keep her on campus, even after she flunked some courses because she couldn’t get herself to classes. We muddled through five years until she graduated, and it was hard.

      The worry and sense of helplessness as a parent in this situation is difficult to bear. I hope you find some good help for your child and also for yourself. I saw a therapist during those years mostly to help me support my child.

      Wishing you and your family the best.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I think you need to be firm. Even though your child is 18 and at college, they are still a child and still looking to you for parenting. What would you have done if your, say, 11 year old were frequently unable to attend classes, called you from school 3-4 times a day in a panic, and said that they didn’t want therapy? I think you need to do that exact same thing right now.

      My child went through something quite similar when he was in 8th grade and also when he was a sophomore in college. In both cases I waited until there was a bit of a crisis, and then when he was leaning on me very heavily I basically said, “here is how I can help you in this one crisis, BUT this situation is unsustainable and you have to agree to see a therapist and take medication if that’s recommended.” Sometimes as a parent you have to strike while the iron is hot.

      I recommend that at the next serious melt-down/class performance issue, you summarize that big picture for your child (“you are in crisis, I am not a therapist, this is not getting better”) and then you tell your child that they need to get immediate professional support.

      I would offer some choices, including “I can come to campus, help you speak to the dean about taking a medical leave of absence, and you can come home and figure out your next steps with your current therapist,” “I can come to campus and help you get set up with their mental health support and be sure you have an individual therapist and that you are in the school support network,” “you and I can have a Zoom conference with your old therapist to figure out next steps.”

      What I would not do is rely on this child, right now, being able to connect themselves with student health services or a therapist without your assistance.

      3. Artemesia*

        One of the worst parts of mental illness in the US is that our support systems are very difficult to access (although it should be better on campus) and people who are ill often just don’t have the ability to do what is needed to find help. I won’t share many personal details because they are grim, but at one point I had to beat the bushes for a psychiatrist they could see from 2000 miles away because they just couldn’t find one themselves once enough disaster had ensued that they were finally willing to get help. The hardest thing in the world is helping an adult child with mental illness because ‘they aren’t sick, they don’t need help.’ I would be tempted to go to your child’s school and work with them to get treatment set up as a condition of support for continuing school. It is good that they are reaching out to you because at least then you have a chance of helping. What makes it so difficult is that often with appropriate meds and therapy they CAN manage well — but getting there is really tough. colleges have mental health services and college towns are usually better equipped with professionals than places without colleges. So there are probably resources there but you may have to do the heavy lifting of helping your child get connected. I am sorry you are facing this but also heartened by the fact that your child is reaching out to you and thus probably open to help.

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, and it also depends a lot on the jurisdiction. Here, once a child hits 18, as a parent you have no more right to their medical info than you have to any random stranger’s, and if your young adult child doesn’t accept your help or allow you to act on their behalf in medical matters, you can’t do anything until the kid is in such a state that they can be taken into involuntary care. Here, your legal status as a parent ceases to exist the day the kid turns 18. Sure, you can set the terms under which your adult child is allowed to continue to live at home, but that’s about it. This has led to a few tragedies over the years, as the brain isn’t fully mature until about 25 and there’s a reason why many wealthy people make wills where their property will be held in trust until the heir turns 25.

    7. Red haired runner*

      My university had a system where you could submit an anonymous report if you were worried about someone and a counselor would reach out to them to schedule an appointment. Does their school have anything similar?

    8. Anon for This*

      Did your child say why they didn’t want to do telemedicine visits with the former therapist? I think you may potentially have 2 issues- the depression and anxiety, and also maybe a resistance on child’s part to acknowledge the level of help they need?

      How are you doing? 2/3 hours a day on the phone trying to help at a distance sounds really frustrating and draining. When I was going through a serious mental health crisis across the country from my family, my mother started seeing a therapist to help her be able to deal with her feelings of frustration and fear over me. A therapist might also be able to help you come up with a plan provide support to your child without feeding into unhelpful patterns of behavior.

      1. pancakes*

        I wondered about that too, and wonder whether trying a new one isn’t exactly what’s needed here. It doesn’t seem like the old therapist has been all that helpful. Only feeling ok if and when the old therapist is within reach isn’t sustainable.

      2. Mental Health and Adult Kids*

        I’m managing okay. Our insurance for mental health needs SUCKS and I hesitate to use what little benefits we have for me when my kid has such greater need.

        1. I'm just here for the cats!*

          Do you or your spouse have an eap that includes therapists. It could help you with your needs and not go on your insurance and be free.

          For your child I would find out what counseling they have on campus. Maybe give them those options next time they call you in a panic.

          I feel for you because I see this all the time. I work at the front desk at a university’s counseling center. I hope you can find help.

        2. Natalie*

          Coverage limits are practically always determined on an individual basis, I’ve never heard of them applying to everyone on the policy? I would double check this.

      3. The poster formerly known as Pomona Sprout*

        I second this suggestion to get a therapist for yourself. I think that could be a huge help.

    9. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

      We had a very similar situation with my daughter. I was able to convince her to talk to a campus counselor, who called me (with her permission) and said she really needed to come home for a bit. It wasn’t until I picked her up that I realized how bad it had gotten. She came home, initially just for a weekend, but ended up needing the semester off. It was the right decision for her, and she transferred schools and did extremely well.
      I got her to go to the counselor by telling her they could help her figure out what to tell her profs, since she was overwhelmed about her grades. Maybe there’s a tack you can take with your son that’s similar?

    10. Kanon*

      “ not willing to do teletherapy with the former therapist or find a new one at school.” not willing or not able? Will they let you make the appointment for them and help them login/drive them there? It’s a balancing act between helping someone and doing it for them but sometimes you need to take over a bit. At least this has been my experience with other adults but not as a parent which has its own dynamics.

    11. c_g2*

      I’m sure you know this, but the seeming refusal to schedule stuff is a symptom of depression. Like the others suggested taking the first step to reach out to counselors could be a big help. It might be a good discussion to have with them on if they can realistically finish this quarter or semester and steps to take for managing symptoms. They are an adult, which means learning how to self soothe and all that — I’m not saying to ignore them of course. It’s not a surprise that their mental health is suffering.

    12. Stephanie*

      We had a similar situation with our daughter last year. She was in her 4th year in college, and was calling me several times a week, crying over the smallest of things (like ants in her apartment). It was causing my anxiety to ramp up, and it was very stressful. She initially refused to even talk to someone about her anxiety, but we kept pushing–my husband and I pretty much took a tag team approach. We gave her a deadline to reach out to either the counseling department at her school or a therapist. She really dragged her feet, but finally did it, and she’s now on anxiety meds and is doing much, much better.
      Part of the issue with anxiety and depression is that you feel completely unable to make the effort to get the help that you need. As others have suggested, I would look into reaching out to the college health center and see if they can contact your son, since it just might be beyond his ability to do it himself right now.
      I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard when your kids are hurting, and it complicates things when they’re technically an adult.

    13. Firefly*

      There are several apps that use principles of CBT that might be useful here. Woebot, Unstuck, and MindShift are three I’d recommend.

      Discussing ways for them to problem solve around triggers: when I went to university, my anxiety rode me ragged to start – so much new! so much pressure! I worked with my at-home therapist to make a self care plan. We looked at my timetable, and maps of campus, and figured out the details: which library would I go to between classes, what time would I go to bed, what scripts would I have for myself if it was bedtime and I wasn’t done an assignment (it was something like, marks are important, but my health is more important). I had a specific list of things that I could ‘let go’ and things that were priorities. And honestly, I wore sunglasses and cried in class on more than one occasion. But I was there.

    14. Natalie*

      Since they’re reaching out to me 3-4 times a day in a paralyzing panic, missing classes, and leaning heavily on me I feel that I have standing to try and help them find help that doesn’t involve being on the phone with me 2-3 hours/day.

      Well one thing I would do is start setting some boundaries around this. I know you’re probably really worried and that makes it more difficult. But keep in mind that hours on the phone with you is not actually helping them, it’s a false solution. I think you can gently but firmly keep those conversations focused on what steps they are going to take (with or without your help) to treat their mental health in a real way, and build a genuine support system.

      1. Mental Health and Adult Kids*

        I’ve been giving her 10-15 minutes max to tell me about what’s triggered this call. Then I shift the call to solutions. And I keep her on speaker while going about my day working from home.

    15. Blackcat*

      As a college professor… this is a huge red flag that your child isn’t ready to be at college. I’d be worried about academic struggles as the semester goes on. Those academic struggles will make the mental health stuff worse, and your child will spiral.
      I’d draw a line in the sand: either they engage with therapy, or you no longer financially support them being in college. They will be angry at you, but I’ve seen how hard it is for students to dig themselves out of the hole they get in after a spiral like that. If you can interrupt the spiraling, do it.

      1. Mental Health and Adult Kids*

        They’re actually doing really well academically (and did throughout all high school years as well). One reason they’re struggling is that it seems like there’s not ENOUGH academics. Taking 15 credits, but only on campus 3 hours/week and feels like this leaves too much time with nothing to do. But finding friends and doing social things are hard given the intense anxiety about the virus. So 90% of the time is spent alone in their private room. They do better when keeping busy, and school and learning has always been a good coping thing.
        (And I am certain about how they’re doing academically, because they used my computer to register and saved the login in my browser. I’ll admit it, when I got worried I’ve used it to snoop. All assignments are getting turned in and grades are all As and Bs, so zero concerns with academics.)

        1. Anon for this*

          I was someone who did well academically all through college and graduated with one of those fancy latin phrases. I was also depressed, anxious, and low-key suicidal the entire time. I probably would have done something if I wasn’t so terrified of disappointing my parents. (I finally started therapy a few years after that and it was incredibly helpful, and I wish I had gone during college.) I don’t really have an…action item for you in sharing this. Just be aware, I guess, that academics going well doesn’t mean that things aren’t really bad. Especially if your kid has put a lot of pressure on themself to continue to do well academically, which they may have if it feels like academics are the one thing they can get right. Good luck. I hope everything works out well for your kiddo. Your care and worry is obvious in your posts and it really warms my heart.

          1. Blackcat*

            Yeah, I’ve seen a student in this situation go from doing great from my perspective to suddenly not turning in work at all. I don’t know exactly what went down (not my business), but I rang the alarm with student services after they wouldn’t respond to my “are you okay?” emails. They showed up in my office a bit under a year later to thank me for reaching out. They were in a VERY dark place all semester and could do the work until the moment they couldn’t anymore. I was able to let them finish the course late, but mine was the only class that was possible (I had filed an incomplete, claiming medical emergency, which was thankfully accepted by the powers that be without question).

              1. Blackcat*

                My husband did this in undergrad, as did one of my friends. My friend just snapped at the start of a final exam and just walked out without doing any of it.

                It’s pretty common. Maybe 1 out of every 2-300 students? I tend to get *some* communication from or about students who withdraw for mental health reasons, but sometimes I never hear anything. I teach large classes (100+), so I tend to see at least one withdraw for mental health reasons a year. Most of the time, I do get a response to my “are you okay, can I help?” emails. When I don’t, that tends to mean stuff is *really* bad.

                It takes a lot of work to *notice* in classes of that size though. But I teach a lot of freshman engineers and premeds, whose classes are ALL large intro ones. It matters that someone notices, so I try to be that person. Then I can connect them to the team of people whose job it is to help these students–that part isn’t my job.

        2. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

          This was exactly true for my daughter. She wasn’t able to make the kinds of social connections she needed when at college (small school, not in a “fun college town” location – all things we realized in hindsight) and the academics weren’t challenging her enough to keep the panic at bay (her usual short-term strategy).

          What I can say is that if they struggle now with the change in environment and whatever other triggers have contributed, this is a pattern that will potentially repeat at other points in the new-ness of adult life – moving to a new city, new apartment, new job, new relationship. They may be seeing this as a short-term problem – adjusting to college/on campus – and not recognizing it needs treatment.

          And I agree with others that therapy for yourself – or at the very least, a really good listening friend – is crucial. This can wear you out and if you are also prone to anxiety this level of intense intervention can be really detrimental.

    16. Anon for this, colleagues read here*

      See if your child’s school has a “concerning behavior report” or something similar that you can fill out online. At the university where I work (NC State University), we have this and anyone who is concerned can fill one out — professor, advisor, roommate, friend, family, etc. Here the reports go to a team that evaluates them and then follows up with the person of concern (in this case, your child / a student). Our team has folks from student health, counseling center, disability services, social worker, university police, university housing, etc. I would bet that many colleges and universities have something similar. (I’m an academic advisor and I have filled out a bunch of those reports in the last few weeks for students with issues like you describe, as well as other situations. More than usual, sadly.)

      In addition to counseling, your child could probably qualify for services through the school’s disability services office (= accommodations per the ADA). Mental health issues, anxiety, etc are conditions that some of my students have and get accom. for.

      If there isn’t a way to do a report as I described, I encourage you to reach out to one of the following (especially if your child has spoken favorably of any of these people): their academic advisor, their Resident Director (not the RA, who is a student — you want the adult professional in charge of the residence hall), any professional at the university they have mentioned.

      See if the school has a parents and families services, as those folks will know who to refer you to for further help.

      Lots of people at your child’s school are trained to know to refer students and parents to other resources.

      MAAK, this is so hard! I know you want to help your child, but being on the phone with them 2 -3 hours every day is not good for you and not good for them. As I have said to my family members who have been in a similar situation: I love you, but I’m not a trained counselor, and even if I were, I would not be the best person to help you; you need someone who is outside our relationship.

      Please come back and let us know how it goes!

    17. UCCAnon*

      As a psychologist who works at a university counseling center, I’d suggest reaching out to the campus counseling center and talking with someone there. They can talk with you about resources available on campus and point you in the right direction. At our center, we can’t reach out directly to students, but we can provide information to parents and brainstorm ways to help get the student connected. We frequently talk to parents about these issues and are happy to help! As others have mentioned, a lot of universities also have care teams that you can talk to or report concerns to who may be able to reach out more directly. Sending good vibes your way in navigating a difficult situation!

  3. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    Must…resist…urge…to…start…yet… another…project…

    2. chi chan*

      I have been exchanging stories with a friend, once a week. They are short stories with us as main character. I write in the third person using my name and she writes in the first person using I. I look forward to it more than I would admit.

    3. beancat*

      I really want to get back into writing my fanfics, especially since I have a shiny new fandom right now, but it’s hard! I’m struggling to come up with ideas. :(

      On the other hand I’m revisiting a fic I started four years ago, so that’s interesting!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Perhaps you’ll get new ideas revisiting that old one?
        I don’t really have any advice on this as I usually have the opposite problem of “far too many ideas”.

        1. beancat*

          I used to overflow with ideas! They’ve trickled off lately, likely because of how much creativity I used up with my manga, so revisiting the older story was like saying hello to an old friend :)

    4. Elizabeth West*

      My revision is starting to come together. I can see the bigger picture and I’m kinda excited about Book 3. *insert joyful flying Baby Yoda gif here*

      It’s hard to write a middle chapter. The story needs to have its own arc but also be a bridge between the first and last. I had no idea how tough it is until I did it. Some middle bits can stand entirely on their own; this isn’t one of them, but I took some lessons from a screenwriting podcast I listen to and I think that helped immensely. Plus, I just figured out a great cliffhanger, mwahaha.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Can I ask which podcast? Kinda curious and always on the lookout for stuff to listen to :) .
        I find I tend to struggle with middles too…I can have the beginning and ending plotted out, and the middle will just be…a challenge.

  4. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual, this is not limited to video games, all games are welcome here.
    Does anyone here have Kingdoms of Amalur: Re-reckoning and what do you think of it? I’ve seen a lot of people be rather underwhelmed. Honestly for me it doesn’t matter too much considering I have the original and I refuse to buy anything from THQ Nordic, but I’m still interested in opinions.
    As for me, I got a little further into Divinity: Original Sin. The spider queen lies dead (I originally charmed her into letting me pass but it’s not my fault she attacked once Jahan and Bairdotr followed me…), my Homestead is full of imps, and I robbed the troll king.
    I’ve also been playing some more Castlevania: Dracula X Chronicles and am firmly getting my ass kicked. I do love how the Behemoth chase in stage 2 basically features an only mildly concerned Richter not even running, still doing the constipated walk he always does.

    1. Stishovite*

      I’ve been playing Elder Scrolls Online (ESO), and finally feeling like I have a handle on it. (It’s a huge MMO, with a steep learning curve, but tons of fun). Much to my introverted shock, I’m loving playing with people in my Guild (all of whom are people I’ve met in-game).

      And I’m really excited for an update to No Man’s Sky next week!

      1. Chyll*

        I had difficulty getting into ESO at launch. I might have to try it again though! It sounds like they’ve added so many fun things to it.

        I didn’t realize a NMS update is going to be released. Can’t wait to see what they come up with!

    2. Stormfeather*

      I hadn’t even heard of that Castlevania game. I’m out of touch.

      I did get Re-Reckoning but haven’t gotten far yet. It seems pretty much the original so far (which I liked), with some quality of life improvements here and there and improved graphics.

      Now that it’s the weekend I’ll maybe play some more of that and Crusader Kings 3 which is very fun if you like that sort of game, which I do :)

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        It’s a fairly old game for the psp, came out in 2007. Recently most Castlevania games have been gacha machines. And Grimoire of Souls, a mobile game that only came out in Canada of all places (no offense to Canadians, but weird choice for a country exclusive). Interestingly it’s actually three games in one: it’s a remake of Rondo of Blood that also containsbthe original Rondo and Symphony of the Night as collectibles, although like most people I’m not that big a fan of the reworked dub (no offense to Yuri Lowenthal, but I don’t really like the angsty emo teen for Alucard. Admittedly, I’m a sucker for deep voices so I’m biased in favour of Robert Belgrade anyway).

        1. Stormfeather*

          Oooo. You kinda had me at “Alucard” tho. XD Pity I don’t think I curerntly have a working PSP. Which I should remedy anyhow because while it wasn’t anything close to the 3DS in “games which I remember fondly and want to replay” it does have FF VII Crisis Core (I think it was Crisis Core), FF Tactics War of the Lions and P3P, as well as a few weird niche ones like Tales of the World that I actually enjoyed.

          1. A.N. O'Nyme*

            I’m noticing a preference towards RPGs here so may I also suggest Half-Minute Hero (also available on Steam I believe)? It’s basically “what if you had 30 seconds to save the world”, and is very self-aware regarding jrpg tropes. I’ve been having a blast with it, and of course the whole “30 second” thing makes it perfect for on the go. I usually don’t like timers in games because they’re often tacked onto games that aren’t built for them (looking at you, races in Assassin’s Creed) but considering here the timer is the core gameplay feature it works very well.
            Also I think a lot of people nowadays would be had at “Alucard” with that Netflix series and all (my own complicated relationship with that series notwithstanding, YAY more fans for a franchise I enjoy!). I do feel like I have to warn you that Dracula X Chronicles is a remake of a classicvania title instead of a metroidvania and SOTN is not easy to unlock (I highly recommend you look up a guide if you want to unlock it, it’s kinda well hidden). Honestly my biggest problem is getting used to the way Richter moves (especially the backflip) – Maria is much handier in that regard but she’s also a glass cannon.
            If you’re looking to track down a copy of the psp version mine cost me €30 so not that expensive. If you’re mostly interested in SOTN (that’s the one Alucard appears in, he’s not in Dracula X Chronicles/Rondo of Blood but timeline-wise SOTN does follow DxC/RoB, in fact SOTN’s prologue is RoB’s ending) I it’s also available digitally on PS4, named Castlevania Requiem. It’s also a bundle with Rondo, but you can pick from the menu which one you want to play rather than having to unlock anything.

            1. Lurker variable*

              I also liked Greedfall. It has some issues but was good overall and I’ll definitely play it again. I also played through the Dragon Age series again (I still don’t love Inquisition but it progresses the larger story). I haven’t played KoA Re-reckoning yet but liked the original. Currently playing ESO Elsweyr which is good so far and I like the new necromancer class.

              1. Stormfeather*

                Oh man, I actually grabbed Greedfall for the PC on sale but haven’t played it yet. I’ve heard good things, but I’m also kinda in the middle of playing and replaying other things so…

                I’m kinda with you on Dragon Age. Origins was still best, my favorite character (Fenris) is from II, and Inquisition was… playable but fell into the trap of trying to turn things into an open-world game when the designers aren’t really any good at making a good open-world game (also looking at you, Andromeda).

    3. Jen RO*

      Can anyone recommend me some mobile puzzle games? I’m stuck in bed for a few days following surgery and I’d rather play on my tablet than my laptop. For context, I loved The Room & its sequels. I played a bit of Monument Valley 2, but I found it a bit too easy. I’d rather not have to use audio.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        If you like Hidden Object Games, I’m rather fond of June’s Journey. It takes place in the 20’s and starts when the titular character’s sister and husband get murdered. It also has you build up and decorate an island. It does use an energy system, however, so it’s not really suited for long sessions.

      2. Cheerfully Polite Grey Rock*

        It depends on what kind of puzzle games, but I finished My Brother Rabbit this week and really enjoyed it. It is similar in style to Machinarium, they both have hidden object aspects along with minigame puzzles and slightly bigger picture “what do I need to make this bigger thing work” problem solving. They also both have a lovely hand drawn art style and are available across multiple platforms, so should hopefully be compatible with your tablet.

      3. Kayemm*

        I also loved The Room! I would like to suggest Stardew Valley, which is a farming sim but also has quests and storylines. It’s very engaging and soothing at the same time.

    4. Liane*

      Writing a number of game blog articles to get me through November at least, since I am having carpal tunnel surgery this coming Friday and the second mid-November. Right now I am working on October pieces with a Halloween theme, creature game stats for various RPGs.
      If I get on a roll, it’s on to December, because articles scheduled for the winter holiday season have early deadlines.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Eh, it happens. A few weeks ago I mis-nested the gaming thread underneath the writing thread soo…balance has been restored I guess :).
          Good luck with the surgery, I hope all goes well.

    5. Jay*

      I’m mostly playing the new season of Fallout 76 and Marvels Avengers.
      Despite what some have said on the forums, I greatly enjoy them both.

      1. Stormfeather*

        I should try Fallout 76 again at some point since I’ve heard they’ve improved it in various ways, but there were just SO many things they did hilariously wrong at launch, and still so many things that i’m like WHYY (like… their closest thing to an MMO in a setting where there are the fewest actual human beings around just via the lore? WTF?), and annoyed because this is the setting that I would MOST want a popular, fun, large game in.

        1. Jay*

          They have NPC’s now.
          In fact, several factions of them.
          Also Camps are pretty awesome these days.
          You can even operate your own shop.
          It’s a great time to jump back in, as they just started a new season.
          It’s based around board game, and every Season Daily mission you complete advances your piece one place and gives you a themed reward.
          It’s all themed around a fictional 80’s era G.I. Joe knock off called Armor Ace.

          1. Stormfeather*

            I might try again at some point but still haven’t worked through my feelings of betrayal XD. Well, plus I have so much else going on RN.

    6. Holly the spa pro*

      Im jumping back and forth between Fallout 4 and Spiritfarer. Some very extreme differences in tone there lol. Shout out to the commenter that recommended Spiritfarer last week. It is as gorgeous and comfy as promised. A friend asked me what the game was about and all I could think to say was, “Well, Im running errands for ghosts?” Which sounds like it shouldn’t be fun but totally is so i think that speaks a lot to the games design.

      My husband is playing Kingdoms of Amalur and seems on the fence about it. He described it as a single player, watered down World of Warcraft which I can jive with on a certain level since we played WoW for 10 years but I think ill wait on trying it out myself.

      1. MEH*

        It me! I’m glad you’re enjoying Spiritfarer and ‘running errands for ghosts’ is a great way to describe it. I have a hard time talking about it because it defies definition in many ways. I still think about it a lot and hope to find another game that is similar in feeling.

        1. Holly the spa pro*

          The closest thing i can think of is Hollow Knight. It also has great art design and rich story and characters and triggers the feels so it give me similar vibes even though the actual gameplay is much different.

          1. MEH*

            I loved Hollow Knight because it had a similar moodiness and some of the same mechanics as my favorite series, Dark Souls. Unfortunately, I am terrible at platforming and could not get very far into the game. I may have to give it another go!

            1. Holly the spa pro*

              Im also so so bad at platforming. Even the light, low stakes platforming in Spiritfarer wrecks me. Luckily, my husband is great at both platforming and Dark Souls so ive been able to live vicariously through him

              1. MEH*

                I said some very un-chill things while trying to platform in Spiritfarer. My theory is that games that are not platformers should not try to include platforming because it’s all about precision and not easy to code (I think). I’m firmly mediocre at Souls game, but I’m stubborn and those are games you can brute force your way through.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah, that fits with what I’ve been hearing. Not gonna lie, I enjoyed the origin but it’s not really a classic or anything and definitely not something i expected to see remastered so soon.

          1. MEH*

            There’s a free demo of Spiritfarer on Steam! I know I’m pushing it like I made it (I didn’t), but I just love it so much.

    7. beancat*

      Super Mario 3D Allstars! I haven’t played Super Mario 64 in so long, despite it being my favorite Mario game, so I’ve been VERY excited to pick it back up! I’ve had it just over 24 hours and have 34 stars already, so I’ve clearly missed it! :)

    8. Firefly*

      New board game, of the fast after-supper variety, is QBitz. It reminds us of a cross between the card game Speed and the pattern game Set. A brain workout!

    9. Chyll*

      Went back to Skyrim for what feels like the 24,667th time and am enjoying it a lot.

      Bethesda games have always worked well as a coping device for me. I started up Oblivion for the first time when I got H1N1 and it made it bearable.

      My grandmother passed around the day Skyrim came out. As I grieved, running around snowy peaks at night looking at the Northern Lights and hearing the characters fondly speak of their ancestors was strangely cathartic.

      Now, I started playing earlier this week after work, but with the news yesterday, the game (among other things) helps me feel a little less scared and hopeless.

  5. Zandt*

    What’s the phrase/idiom that means “the thing that finally prompt someone to do something”?

    As in, “his mother’s call was the …. he needed to finally sign up for the program”.

    I don’t know why but I just can’t remember what it is! It’s been driving me mad the whole week.

      2. Zandt*

        Yeah, I keep thinking it’s this one, but somehow it still doesn’t sound quite right? But definitely something similar!

    5. Ewesername*

      “Strawling that broke the camel’s back”,or “the final straw” is the idiom that comes to mind

    17. Forrest Rhodes*

      Hmm. Could a case also be made for catalyst? Like, “the cat gnawing on my toes this morning was the catalyst that finally got me out of bed”?
      Yeah, maybe too much of a definition-stretch … but I actually kinda like it.

  6. StellBell*

    Thank you all for the advice on a topical cream for Tinea. I found some Lamisil in the local pharmacy and have used it all week and it has really worked. I appreciate this community.

    Now for another question: does anyone here make their own clay face/body masks (out of say green bentonite clay, argile verte)? If so, aside from water, do you add anything else? I am making one today with diluted mint tea instead of water to try out. I may also try a paste of blended cucumbers and clay (blending cucumbers first, then mixing with clay in a mug, not in the blender).

    2. Hotdog not dog*

      I’ve used honey in place of the water (for its antibacterial properties) but try it on a small area of skin first. It worked great for me, but made my mom’s skin very irritated.

    3. Generic Name*

      Ive put a few drops of essential oils in homemade clay masks to make them smell nice. Make sure you read about the oil before you use it, as some can be skin irritants.

  9. Ask a Manager* Post author

    This week’s crocheting questions:

    1. I’ve already accumulated a surprisingly large collection of yarn. Some of it is cheap yarn I bought to practice on, and I just got way more than I needed. And some of it is stuff I bought before I fully understood exactly what I’d want to make and what I’d need for that. Part of me wants to freecycle everything that’s not earmarked for a specific project, but part of me thinks maybe I’ll need it for some point for something and will regret having gotten rid of it. How do people manage their yarn supplies?

    2. Bernat blanket yarn: Never again! I finished one blanket with it, and I’ve started a second, but I’m not buying any more after this. It’s so bulky that I can’t find stitches that look good with it. I made a third of a blanket using moss stitch (against the advice here!) and then ripped it out because it somehow came out looking more like a retro-style bedspread/coverlet than a blanket. Now I’m just double-crocheting with it, but I am done with this yarn after this!

    And more generally, I am *really* liking crocheting at this point and am so glad I stuck with it through the frustration. (Also, thank you to whoever recommended Daisy Farm Crafts blanket patterns last week — I have bought supplies for several of their blankets.)

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Ah, yes, the infinite “I may need these supplies at some point” debate of any crafter.
      Personally I don’t have that much yarn, but you might want to try getting rid of the yarns you absolutely don’t like – maybe you don’t like the texture, or the colour looks different in real life than in screen (assuming you bought online, of course). For example I think you said you don’t like variegated yarns so much, so maybe getting rid of those first (if you haven’t already) could help. You don’t necessarily need to throw them in the trash, perhaps you could donate them to a charity if there’s any that take them (I don’t know about US charities but I’d assume something like Goodwill might accept yarn?)
      Yarn that you don’t want to get rid of I’d still try to use as soon as possible – don’t wait for the “perfect project” to use that beautiful soft yarn on because the “perfect project” is like a dream job: it extremely rarely, if ever, comes along.

    2. Germank106*

      Yeah, not liking the bernat yarn either. I’m procrastinating on the blanket for my sister in law. Only 15 more rows to go, but I’d much rather work on something else. Gameplan for next year is just to make new socks (knit and crochet) since my old ones seem to be walking off (literally) every time one of the children visits.
      Just keep building your yarn stash. I clearly fall into the SABLE (Stash Acquisition Beyond Life Expectancy) category, but I like having different yarns to choose from for multi colored projects.
      Have you looked at the “Sophie’s Garden” and “Sophie’s Universe” blankets on Ravelry? They are lovely and you are given a lot of freedom towards yarn choice and colors.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oh, yes, looking up projects that leave a lot of freedom or are specifically designed to go through your stash would be a good idea too.

        1. Ariaflame*

          The local Cat Haven (rescue and rehoming) is where a friend of mine knits or crochets up the yarn she doesn’t want to make blankets for the cats (they each get their own and it goes with them to their new home). The ones here have specifications on size (though I doubt it’s down to the mm) so might want to see if there’s any local things for that.

      2. Hotdog not dog*

        I’ve been trying to find a good crocheted sock pattern. I’m working my way through just about everything on Ravelry, but haven’t found “the one” yet!

        1. Germank106*

          I couldn’t find anything great for crocheted socks either, but I did find “Summer Sorbet Socks” on the Drops pattern website. I’ve made them in a single color and striped. I used Nicole Cormiers basic sock pattern from Ravelry and the chart/written instructions from Drops for the actual pattern.
          Here’s the link to the Drops page: https://www.garnstudio.com/pattern.php?id=4477&cid=17
          and here’s the link to the Nicole Cormier basic sock info pdf: http://simplesockmaking.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/BasicToeUpCrochetedSock.pdf

    3. Kate*

      I actually turned my mountains of extra scrap yarn into a huge “COVID blanket”. It’s 200 cm by 200 cm and looks like stained glass.

          1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            You host the picture on your favorite photo hosting site ( I use imgur), and share the link.

    4. Oxford Comma*

      This is called a stash and if you aren’t careful, this can take over your house lol. I put mine in big gallon size ziploc bags making sure to keep at least one ball band so that I am not pulling it out months later trying to remember composition, weight and yardage. I also keep mine in a cedar chest or you can buy cedar balls/blocks. If moths ever get in there, you’re done.

      BTW, if you’re not on Ravelry, you might want to look into it.

    5. Lifelong student*

      I manage my supply by an Excel spreadsheet which gives the color, quantity, ounces, and yards of each item as well as which of the two 50 gallon containers it is stored in. I almost always use the same brand of yarn- which in a no dye-lot yarn. In the totes, I have the skeins in gallon zip lock bags- which hold 3 skeins each. I buy lots of yarn when it is on sale so I have options when I come across a pattern to try rather than having to go out to look for yarn and pay full price. Right now I have 35 colors and over 55,000 yds! Small bits often come in handy as accents in a pattern.

      For yarns you don’t particularly like, you can make up some hats or lapghans to donate to charities- that’s what I do.

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      I wasn’t a fan of Bernat blanket either. You are now the proud owner of a yarn stash, which can potentially take over the universe if you’re not careful. The good news is that yarn is a popular donation. When I can bear to part with any, I’ve given it to the library (the Tuesday knitting club meets there to make hats, blankets, and such for charity), a local adult daycare, or Project Linus. I’ve also used it to make patchwork scarves and afghans.

    7. AGD*

      Developing strong opinions about yarn is part of the process. About a year after I started knitting seriously, I went back and removed a lot of yarn that was either super cheap or just clearly not something I was enjoying using, and hauled it to a thrift store. Textile recycling is also a thing when the pile of useless scraps gets sizeable – H&M stores sometimes have bins, which are a partial compensation for the fact that their clothes aren’t made to last.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I separate my yarns by weight (heaviness) on the first sort.
      The second sort is by color.

      So all my pastel baby yarns are together in a bag/box. The rug yarns have their own box, with bags for each color or color group, etc.

      What I liked about sorting it out was that I could really see what I would never, ever use. I could get rid of that stuff. As time went on, I also saw how I used yarn and what colors I was most likely to need. I was able to further refine what I would keep.

      Added wrinkle, my taste changed as I went along. This meant every few years I would thin the herd just because of preference changes.

      I sell it at a tag sale or I donate it somewhere. Libraries do (or were doing) craft supply sales as fund raisers. You might find opportunities that way, too.

    9. c-*

      Alison, you have cats. How about giving them a small ball of yarn to chase and play with (and wash regularly). If you make it tight, it shouldn’t unravel.

      Signed,
      My cat loved inheriting my scraps and was very disappointed in me when I stopped knitting.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Aside from the inherent dangers of giving cats string-like things to play with unsupervised, I have always thought that teaching the cats to play with yarn, when I have a lot of yarn in the house that I don’t want the cats anywhere near, is risky.

        1. c-*

          Mm, true on the teaching them which yarn is and not ok to play with, but I meant using the yarn to make very tight balls: they are light and somewhat bouncy and don’t unravel if you make them right (also very quick to make once you have practice). My cat chased it around and batted at it as she would a paper or ruber ball. I agree that giving a cat a long piece of string is a bad idea.

          Else, you can always crochet a couple mice, they serve the same purpose. That would be a way to use up shorter scraps, cats don’t care about color.

    10. Crafty Crafter*

      I am a bit of a crafts hoarder myself. Having all of that “just in case” and leftover fabric came in handy for face masks, though! Made about a gazillion and cleared much of my fabric stash. And I get a kick out of knowing that there are people out there whose face masks match something I wear. Be funny to run into them in the grocery store!

      I’ve got clear plastic bins and store my yarn by color. I do hang on to leftover yarn because I make things like Christmas stockings and hats where you just need a little bit of this and that for embellishments. I try to buy full skeins only when I have a specific project in mind.

      Lots of great idea here. To add/second:

      * Agreed that you should just use the yarn and not wait for that perfect project, as A.N O’Nyme said. I’m bad about putting this into practice, though.
      * Instead of doing granny squares, I’ve made several “leftover” blankets by just starting an hdc blanket and adding a new color when one ball ran out. My “leftover blues” blanket came out lovely. Just keep the yarn weight consistent.
      * You’ll eventually reach a saturation point with crocheted items for your home/family, so charity/donations are a way to keep going. Use the yarn stash for that! Lapghans, blankets, toys. Nursing homes/care centers, hospitals, programs for foster kids or new moms are ideas to add to others’ suggestions to donate crochet items. My local(ish) Michaels has a bin to drop off squares for blankets, I think for Project Linus. But there are tons of local non-profits you can contact.

      As for the thick yarns, I don’t care for them, either, so I don’t blame you for dropping Bernal Blanket. Live and learn! They are quick to make up, but not a lot you can do with stitches. Can get way more creative with medium weight yarns.

      Keep on crocheting!

    11. NRG*

      Collecting yarn can easily become it’s own, separate, fully fledged hobby, and one day you wake up and find that you have whole rooms literally filled with bins of yarn. Then the moths come. Just get rid of the yarn you don’t like before you start buying bins.

    13. Fabric Snob*

      As the person who recommended the Bernat blanket yarn in the first place, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you. Yes, it is bulky, but when I was learning to knit I found that helpful. At that time I also chose to work with a very bright color that was easier for me to see and, probably because it is synthetic, it did not fray very much. After I got the hang of knitting and became better at it, being the Fabric Snob, I moved on to more natural yarns and now I mostly use merino wools.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It was a good recommendation for that stage of learning! It let me do a blanket really quickly (plus one more still in progress), which was very satisfying.

    14. Firefly*

      Ooo, when I hit forty, I took a good look at all of my crafting supplies (I’m a knitter and cross stitcher) and gave away or threw away anything I didn’t commit to using by the time I was fifty. There was a complex stuffed animal project I’d been knitting for my toddler who is now a teenager, if that gives a clue of the age of the projects. I have the Nice Yarn to a friend, the Beginner Yarn to a middle school knitting club, and the rest of it… trash, sadly. But the feeling of trashing it helps me not buy nice yarn just because… no project, no purchase. The struggle is real.

    15. Wishing You Well*

      Bad yarn is a pain to work with. I get rid of bad yarn because hobbies are supposed to be pleasant. Goodwill will take it. Other charities and charitable organizations that knit and crochet giveaway items will take yarn. Freecycling is also a good idea.
      My yarn collection is in see-through totes with lids. I keep a swatch and a note with the yarn that states needle size and stitch and row count. I used to buy yarn that caught my eye. Not any more! I have a bookcase in a dust-free room that displays a lot of my eye-catching yarn to remind me how much I already have. Now I buy just enough to do a specific project that I intend to start immediately. And before I buy, I rummage through my stash to make sure I don’t already have a suitable yarn. Still, I suspect I’ll always have a huge yarn stash!

    16. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Thank you all! A question about storage: Lots of you are mentioning using airtight containers for containers for yarn and the risk of moths. Does that mean that those beautiful photos of yarn shelves that I’ve been admiring (like this or this) are bad ideas?

      1. Blackcat*

        yes! You could use unfinished cedar to have something similar, but you’d still want a top that closes.

      2. Pucci*

        Cotton and acrylic are not eaten by moths, while wool and other animal fibers can be. The biggest problem with shelves is that the yarn can get dusty and when you shove too much on them, the yarn tends to flee. The other risk with shelves is that the yarn will be accessible to cats. I store my vast stash in clear plastic, lidded tubs and put a label outside with what yarn is in each. Or if you still want shelves, put them inside cabinets.

      3. Crafty Crafter*

        Open storage is an attractive look, but realistically…..dust. Just, dust. Worse than critters,imo.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. And exposure to light and whatever is in the air- humidity, cooking etc. I agree the dust is worse than critters.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        PSA It’s not just moths we need to worry about. Any natural fiber is food for carpet beetles.
        (There are no pheromone lures for carpet beetles, and they don’t stay in the carpet. I still dream about that infestation.)

        1. Anax*

          And mice. They got into the crafting supplies at my mother’s house, and that was not fun.

          (More lightly, it’s also a pain if you ever have something really stinky in the house, and that smell clings to the fibers. No one wants memories of Cooking Failures Past when they bury their face in a blanket!)

          I’m not sure how much it really helps, but I always feel better if I’ve put cedar balls or lavender sachets in with the fiber, just for a little extra deterrent.

      5. Germank106*

        It depends on where you live, what fiber your yarn is made from and how quickly you plan on using it. I live in the South, with plenty of humidity and open shelves are a no-no. I’ve had yarn felt on the shelves and get moldy. My acrylic yarn can stay out, but the wool yarn goes into see through plastic containers.
        In a more moderate climate you can probably do the shelves, but check your yarn often for damage from moth and humidity/heat and don’t keep out more than you will use in the next 6 months or so.
        You can also store your yarn in a see through cabinet like this one from IKEA: https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/brimnes-storage-combination-w-glass-doors-white-s49278237/?gclid=CjwKCAjw2Jb7BRBHEiwAXTR4jVBcGF_AMpklEJKXk9Vp1WqVaTvbuCq0_8aY5pxSa9FaHbtwCjK2zRoCqTUQAvD_BwE

    17. Skeeder Jones*

      Anytime I find myself staring at a pile of objects and I’m not sure how, or if, I want to reduce the size of my collection, I ask myself “Would I buy this again?” and if the answer is No, it goes in the charity pile. I can’t do the kondo method because I love too many things, they all bring me joy lol.

    18. Imtheone*

      You are entering the famous competition, “The one with the most yarn when they die, wins!”

      A common problem among crafters!

    20. Esbashar*

      I like to wind my yarn into yarn cakes and store in a plastic blanket box. I’ve given a lot of the extra to Project Linus or the Happy Hookers- the crochet group at my church.
      Thick yarns are better for knitting than crochet I’ve found. Especially Homespun and those blanket yarns. The hook just doesn’t like them. Glad you’re enjoying your new hobby. I’m 63 and have been crocheting since I was a teenager. It’s fun to learn new stitches and techniques.

    21. Rianwyn*

      If you like organization, I suggest Ravelry.com. Free service that is a giant database to store details on your stash and supplies in amazing detail, huge searchable pattern and book database, and active message board community if you like that sort of thing. Fabulous for inspiration, or to find the perfect pattern for a particular yarn, or vice verse to find the right yarn for a particular pattern you want to try.
      With that, I suggest if you are able to afford it that if you find you don’t like knitting a particular yarn or fiber that you donate or gift it on. All that cheap acrylic that you bought to practice? It has served it’s purpose and there are folks who will take it for charity/service knitting. Not sure where you live, by my local knitting guild in northeast Ohio accepts and distributes donations to charity knitters, libraries, elder care facilities, high school arts programs, therapy programs, etc.

  10. Pam*

    Well, that was fun. We just had a 4.8 earthquake here east of Los Angeles. I guess fires and SantaAna winds aren’t enough for 2020.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My friend keeps wondering if her family is ready to move YET.

      I am very sorry that you and those around you are getting clobbered so badly. The west coast is in my thoughts and prayers.

      1. Emma Woodehouse*

        I live in East LA, very close to the epicenter. We got absolutely rattled! Do you ever feel like the area you love is just not loving you back?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I got a pang in my heart as I read your reply. I can’t picture leaving where I live, worse I can’t picture being forced to leave where I live because of natural disasters. oh my. Some things help us to age faster, this would be one of those things in my books.

    3. Forrest Rhodes*

      Another Angeleno here. Seems like we’ve got the whole list: plague, fires, wind, heat, elections, now an earthquake? I’m expecting the Martians to land any day now.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry about your earthquake.
      We’ve had hazardous smoke and wildfires here, too. A relative’s house is flooded from Hurricane Sally.
      What a year.

    6. D3*

      There have been bigger 2020 earthquakes in places not known for earthquakes, like Salt Lake City (5.7) and North Carolina (5.1)
      What a year.

  11. AcademiaNut*

    I just got Susannah Clarke’s new book, Piranesi, and read it in a single sitting. It’s completely different from Johnathan Strange and Mr Norell, but very good. Fairly short, with a rather dreamlike and gentle atmosphere.

    2. AP.*

      I have it on hold at the library pending its release. After seeing your post, I checked the library website and it’s listed as In Transit. Hopefully, it will show up soon.

  12. Might be Spam*

    Pre-covid, I volunteered at the library teaching computer literacy to seniors. Now seniors want me to come to their homes to teach and fix their computer problems. I’m not sure how to do this safely. I’m a healthy 63 year old and take pandemic precautions very seriously.

    I’m feeling very guilty about saying no, because they are feeling isolated. Is there a safe way to do this? Especially when they want us to sit right next to each other. They do not understand how to use Skype or Zoom and I’ve gone as far as I can explaining things over the phone.

    I don’t really have any way to know how careful they are really being, even though they claim to be following the CDC guidelines. Some people I know have magical thinking regarding their safety practices. I might be turning into one of them. Should I talk myself out of doing this? How risky is this?

    1. Lena Clare*

      Yes it’s risky and I wouldn’t do it. It’s especially a volunteer role and you’re not comfortable with doing it.
      You’ve gone as far as you can with them over the phone – cut yourself some slack :)

    2. PollyQ*

      There is not currently a safe way to do it, which means that you should only feel guilty if you say “yes.” You’d be protecting their health as much as yours by sticking to a “no”.

    3. AP.*

      It’s risky not just for you but for other seniors as well. You could end up being a super-spreader that infects multiple families.

      Has your library actually okayed this? Even aside from the virus there are a whole host of issues with visiting people in their homes. What if you damage their property or you are accused of stealing something? Will the library’s insurance cover you? And if you’re doing outside the library’s auspices you may need an independent policy.

      1. Lemon curdle*

        Yeah, I’d check with the library. They might have some protocols that you’d be breaching.

        And honestly I just would say no.

    4. Pennyworth*

      Talk yourself out of it! Our local University of the Third Age went totally Zoom due to lockdown and just emailed written instructions on zoom and had someone to call on the phone if you got stuck. There were 80+ year olds coping just fine. There are also thousands of ‘how to’ videos on YouTube covering every aspect of Zoom. Perhaps you could select some that seem the easiest to follow and send out links. There are two problem with older computer users – presumed helplessness and assumed helplessness. Both can be overcome!

      1. pancakes*

        If any of them have access to email and/or can receive texts it seems worth a try to send a link to a good video tutorial or two they can just click and watch — how to use zoom, how to use Skype, browser basics, etc.

        1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

          A *lot* of doctors are using HIPAA-compliant Zoom for their telemedicine appointments, so anyone who has had a telemedicine appointment in the last six months has learned how to use Zoom. My doctor’s office even had someone call and do a practice run the day before my first appointment. A lot of seniors probably learned how to Zoom from their doctor.

    5. valentine*

      The risk is too great. There are simply too many variables. You might see what companion services are doing and ask the library to pass on that info.

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      I work in a library and we have not even figured out how to safely provide one on one services at the library while maintaining 6 feet distance. I dont recommend you go into their homes.

    7. Aza*

      You have a good heart. You want to help.

      Help by not giving them covid, and having better judgement than they do.

      How awful would you feel if one or more of them got covid and died because you wanted to help them with their computer? It’s not worth it.

      They’re a really vulnerable population. Computer help is not medical, it’s not groceries. They may be unhappy without it but that’s better than the alternative.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Library board person here. Please do not do this without consulting with TPTB. I have to think that most library boards are thinking in terms of minimizing risks and they do not want staff or volunteers taking on work that has not been approved.

    9. Not A Manager*

      Absolutely not. I would just firmly say, “I’m sorry, that’s not safe for you and it’s not safe for me.”

    10. Alex*

      I volunteer with seniors as well and am definitely not doing in person visits. I just couldn’t live with myself if I brought it to them, no matter what they say (fortunately the seniors I work with are in agreement about this and we have been able to somewhat carry on over the phone.) The agency I work with has a “visits not recommended but OK if absolutely necessary” policy but that is for a situation where a senior can’t get food or is getting evicted.

    11. Might be Spam*

      Thanks for the reality check. I know I shouldn’t do it and I need to hear that I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. It’s tough to hear because I really enjoy helping seniors learn about computers and I understand feeling isolated. I’ll stick with providing phone support.

      1. Mari*

        Could you make very simple instructions using pictures to explain how to do common procedures? I’m a bit of a technophobe, and I find step-by-step instructions with pictures so much more manageable.

        1. MacGillicuddy*

          Providing hard copy instructIons, with numbered steps and plenty of pictures, is the way to go for the truly computer phobic. Watching a video can be an introduction, but that assumes they know how to view the video. Often the inexperienced user needs to go step-by-step at their own speed, where the video just keeps going. Face time and similar apps don’t let you (the teacher) point at things on the screen, and having you take over their screen remotely can be very intimidating for them.

          I once worked on a series of visual aids for computer novices to learn how to use a particular app (I’m being purposely vague about what kind of app- don’t want to give away the company or product name). We had large cards divided into numbered panels, sort of comic book style. Each panel had a written step and a picture. If the step was “press the Start button”, the picture showed the screen with a little cartoon hand with its finger on the Start button.

          This was an extremely simplified set of instructions, and it was successful because it assumed absolutely no prior knowledge on the part of the user.

          If both you and the person you’re helping have a copy of instructions in hand, then you can be on the phone with them to talk them through stuff. Being able to say “look at panel number 3” and having the picture of the little pointing hand avoids the “look at the bottom of your screen, on the left” kind of thing. With nervous users, sometimes they just don’t know how to find things on their screen.

    12. Esbashar*

      Maybe they could try FaceTime or Google Duo. That’s really not harder than a phone call but you could show them things that might not be easy to understand verbally.

    13. Cambridge Comma*

      You could take over their computer remotely using teamviewer or whatever people use these days. If they can click a link from a mail it could work. You could be on the phone at the same time.

  13. Lena Clare*

    How are your DIY projects going?

    I have 2 questions!
    Front yard looks good now, back yard is going to be renovated at the end of October. For now, I’m prepping it by brushing the walls (I think they’re the original ones so about 105 years old) and my goodness the paint is really crumbly.
    It’s taking some of the brick off. Does anyone have any recs for brick paint that’s thick enough to almost ‘plaster’ or polyfilla the walls?

    2nd question:
    I’ve got a rebounder trampoline and it’s currently in my bedroom but I don’t use it there. I used it when it was in the living room but it takes up an immense amount of space (which is why I moved it upstairs). I’m not sure what to do.
    If you have one, where is it and do you use it often? Do you have particular place for home exercise?

    Any other DIY questions or projects post here too!
    May your weekend be fruitful!

    1. Perstephanie*

      Oooh, man, this has been my week for projects!

      —harvested the garden, took the excess to the local food shelf, cleaned the bed up entirely.
      —cleaned the basement (that hasn’t been cleaned in ten years).
      —found a great handyperson to come and take away ten years of junk.
      —cleaned out the undergrowth beneath my deck (apparently having actual trees growing from beneath the deck isn’t wise? Who knew?)
      —cleaned my shed, dragged out all the broken lawn mowers for removal (see “handyperson,” above), cleared away heaps of weeds & thorny vines.
      —made big vat o’ Garden Harvest Stew.

      I am so proud of myself for all of this, I could just spit. Or, well, something. Best of all: Because I struggle with social anxiety / complex PTSD, “finding a reliable handyperson I like” has been my biggest stumbling block for years. I mean, it involves contacting strangers and coping with them in my home while I try to figure out “What Would A Regular Person Do Here” and listen to the childhood voice of my mother repeating “You’re doing it wrong!” Basically, it’s such a minefield of ways to humiliate myself that I just…don’t do it. But this week I did it. And the handyperson is awesome and I could use him again in the future and … and … proud, self, spit, yeah.

      1. CJM*

        Wow! That is one impressive list for a single week. Great job! And for the first time ever, I love spitting.

        How do you motivate yourself to work that hard? I was making good progress on clearing out our over-stuffed garage until this week, when a few family problems distracted/saddened me. Any tips to get going again?

        1. Perstephanie*

          Alas, I don’t know if any of my motivation translates to other people—!

          I’m a creature of momentum. Once I set myself into motion, I tend to stay in motion…and (of course, sigh) once I stop, I tend to stay stopped (and next thing you know, hey, another decade has passed!). There’s always a to-do list in my brain and it’s always full of “technically I should do this thing but, I mean, let’s not kid ourselves, it’s not actually going to happen” chores. This time I found a single solitary task that I realized was actually doable and not that hard — bringing (eleventy gazillion) stray squash to the food shelf. It helped that people there were kind and put me at ease. Once I was actually in motion and feeling not-even-bad about myself, I looked at the to-do list and thought, “I mean, I could just *organize* the basement a little, right? That’s not so hard?” So I swept some cobwebs. And that looked awesome and I felt even less bad about self, and I was already moving and sweaty so finding the next task wasn’t so hard.

          It helped separating the enormous list into discrete two-hour-or-so chunks. It helped to get moving at my most restless time of the day (about an hour post-coffee in the morning). But really just STARTING is the hurdle for me. Once I start, the next task becomes clearer.

          I learned writing essays in college (way back in the dim mists of time) that what I had to do was just pick up a pencil and paper (yeah, really: the VERY dim mists of time) and put a word onto the paper, no matter how ridiculous it was. “‘The Scarlet Letter’ is a book,” I began one essay. And then I just keep putting words down, and not stopping to judge. Words, words, words. As I continue…it’s like my brain slowly focuses and narrows in and I find something to say that’s actually worth saying.

          That’s kind of what I did this week. Just DID something, and then let momentum and hey-I-feel-good carry me onward, and every day’s task clarified and motivated the next day’s task.

          1. CJM*

            Much of your experience and thinking is very much like mine: keep a to-do list, find one bite-sized task to do next, and feel those good feelings. And you’ve shared some new ideas like finding my most restless time (do I even have one?). I’m memorizing this to remember when I feel discouraged: “[E]very day’s task clarified and motivated the next day’s task.”

            A week ago I had a sense of pride and momentum like you described, but this week it evaporated. I think you’re right that the key is to just get started again.

            Thank you very much!

            1. Perstephanie*

              Almost forgot the most important part: *positive reinforcement.* The minute I get a task done, even the tiniest, I give myself permission to feel all the proud I want (and I otherwise never give myself that permission). If you can enlist people to witness your work, do it. Or just take pictures and go look at your work every five minutes and run tape-look inner fantasies of people admiring it. It’s why I posted here…to brag. (And the kind comments here are making me tear up a little, honest.)

              I mean, I ate cake last night. CAKE.

              You already got a start. I say, you get cake for that. And a free pass for feeling utterly chuffed. You’ve earned it.

              1. CJM*

                Love it! And you’re reminding me of encouragement I read recently (maybe here at AAM) and copied into my motivational file: “Stubborn optimism is not the result of success but rather the cause of it.”

                I’m not typically optimistic or proud of myself, but life sure is better when I practice both. I appreciate you sharing your achievements to reinforce that!

          2. Philosophia*

            I too found it most helpful in my home life to stop dithering over which task was the best use of my time and just do SOMETHING. Objects in motion tend to remain in motion!

            To Alison and all the commentariat to whom it applies, Shana tovah.

    2. My Brain Is Exploding*

      The dining room is now for yoga. The family room has a few free weights, a compact exercise bike (a cheap one I bought at Aldi! last fall and have been very thankful to have) and a few other things. There is a rebounder in the bedroom that I use twice a week. I probably will use it more in the winter if the gym is still closed. It’s a bit of a mess but I’ve managed to cobble together enough stuff that I’m maintaining my fitness.

    3. Elle Diablo*

      We have a metal railing on our porch that it pretty much more rust than paint at this point. Watched a This Old House video where they took what seemed like an endless sequence of steps (lead paint test, scrape with metal scraper, scrape with wire brush, scrape with wire pad, clean with mineral spirits, sand, wipe, prime, paint, paint again) and it felt very overwhelming. I’m also not sure if we have to finish the whole project in a single day to avoid exposing bare metal to the elements.

      Maybe we can skimp on the cleaning steps…anyway, first thing to do is actually go buy the things!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’ve been known to cheat and buy a few months by using one of those ‘bonds with rust’ paints. Turns out it bought me 3 years. It’s not as smooth as the wsy youre talking about but if the weather is questionable it’s worth seeing if it can get you to longer warmer days.

    4. Generic Name*

      That’s quite an accomplishment! I totally understand the voice in your head telling you “you’re doing it wrong”. It’s hard to ignore.

      I’m waiting for my husband to decide it’s cool enough out to tackle re-doing our flagstone patio. It’s settled quite a bit over 20 or so years and a previous homeowner did some funky stuff with railroad ties that we need to deal with. He’s already rebuilt and expanded the deck this spring. It took FOREVER, so I’m bracing myself for the back patio to be a wreck for quite a while. :|

    5. Might be Spam*

      I need a space with a smooth floor for doing my Zoom dance and Tai Chi classes. So I moved my kitchen table and chairs into the living room. I used painters tape to make a big circle on my kitchen floor (to help me stop backing into the walls).
      A long HDMI cable hooked up to an extra monitor on the other side of the room, lets me see the instructor when I am not facing the laptop. I’m tempted to switch the monitor with my big screen tv except that I wouldn’t be able to open the pantry door.
      Is there some kind of HDMI splitter so I can add another monitor? They would all be showing the same screen.

    6. Flabbernabbit*

      I just finished a summer of DIY wood deck repairs, front back, and stairs totalling about 1300 square feet. Power washed and replaced some 40 boards, some of which were in complicated stair turns, so I learned a few things. Sanded every inch and refinished all the surfaces. Looks great, but now with the weather cooling, I’m bundling up to enjoy sitting out there darn it! About 10 trips to the lumber yard taught me that men just gotta mansplain. Employees of both genders were great. Women shoppers minded their own business or were friendly. It was the male customers who were compelled to give a constant stream of unsolicited “instruction” they never seemed to offer other men. Drove me crazy.

      1. Perstephanie*

        Oh, yeah, the mansplaining. I get that, and (I hate this even more) I get “The Look.” The jaw-dropped, blank, flabbergasted, “what on earth,” “you want a TOOL? really?” “You want to leave garbage at the dump? … I mean … “ [shakes head] “sure, why not, lady” [eyeroll] Look.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I love confronting condesplainers with technical minutia. Best if I can combine that with needing to get back to finish my project before my husband takes dinner out of the oven.
        (I forget to plan ahead for meals. He grew up in a restaurant family and keeps us from collapsing into a pile of takeout menus at the end of a project day.)

      3. Sleepless*

        Oh my goodness, I once came inside and told my husband about a very large rock I had encountered while trying to dig a hole to plant a shrub. “So I thought I might see if I could break it up, so I got the pickaxe…”

        Him, with that mansplain-y smirk: “Now when you say the pickaxe, do you mean the sledgehammer?”

        Me: “What? No. I didn’t say the sledgehammer. I said the pickaxe. Also known as a mattock. I know the difference. Why would I call it something that means another thing?”

        Men!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We just (like finished twenty minutes ago) did a mass clean out in my garage and took down the two dining room hutches the stripper nail gunned to the garage wall, hovering eight inches off the floor. There’s still piles out there, but the roll off dumpster is being dropped on Thursday so at least the trash is sorted out from the stuff we are keeping and still need to put away properly. (After dumpster week husband is building some shelving and a workbench area out there.)

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m anti paint for brick. Except the old fashioned whitewash. That’s not just aesthetic–brick needs to dry out. Look up “spalling” , is that what you’re seeing?
      Quick FYI for anyone doing brick repair & repointing– old sand mortar has to be refreshed after a number of years. That’s by design. It provides a path for water to seep OUT of brick, and its cheaper to restore than brick. Don’t use waterproof Portland cement because water will get into the brick and one good freeze, the brick can weaken and cracked off.
      Where are you and can you tell what kind of brick & mortar the wall is made of? If there are any loosened enough that you can see a maker’s mark that can get you some very specific advice.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Yes, this is what it is! I actually like the patchy shabby chic look, so we’re going to finish the other walls and do the garden bit, then wait to see what it looks like with the paving down before making a decision.
        I’m in the NW of England. I definitely don’t want to render over it if it is going to keep the moisture in. (This makes a lot of sense, thank you.)

        1. Jules the First*

          In England we paint brick when it is unsalvageable as a weatherproof surface. Please don’t try and remove the existing paint as a DIY job as you will damage the brick (and if the area is big enough, it can affect the structural integrity of the wall). Basically, you need something called masonry cement to patch the most badly damaged bits of wall, and then a specialist masonry/brick paint (that is both waterproof and breathable) to go overtop. However…which brick paint you need to use depends on what kind of brick you have (density, porosity, acidity, condition) and that can get tricky over the internets. Promain have a good blog post that explains this and a number you can call and ask silly questions of…

          1. Lena Clare*

            I already have removed a lot of the paint and flaking brick so I think I’m just going to get a bricklayer to come and look at it and tell me what to do next to make it safe. I’m kind of panicking now…

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              No panic, it’s stood for this long. If you’re on FB, look up Brick of the Day–a collection of collectors, archaeologists, historians, builders, and building history buffs with the motto “keep it brick”. It’s primarily history, but some hands-on restorers might chime in if you post pics & tell what history you know of the wall. If nothing else it would be more specific questions to ask the mason you contact for repointing.

            2. Jules the First*

              Oh no! I’m sorry! Don’t panic…unless you’re in Edwardian slum housing, you’re almost certainly fine unless you’ve been chipping away more than half of each brick. But yes, this is the kind of thing that benefits from an expert look-see before you go too far, and now that you’ve exposed damaged brick surface, something will have to be done to protect it before winter sets in.

    9. Sleepless*

      We installed metal landscape edging. We finally learned how to take care of our zoysia sod, so it looks great, but now it is crawling into everything. Now I have nicely defined flower beds and I love it.

    10. Kardamumma*

      My sister in London UK has her rebounder in the back garden and the foxes love it. She has a camera set up that records them bouncing around. So funny!

    11. Wired Wolf*

      I’m out visiting my dad in NM; our respective states are now on each other’s “nice list” for the time being, we’re both healthy and I just needed some time away from my mom. He actually managed to clearcut the jungle that was his courtyard; there are a few weeds growing, but the majority is clear (I hope the Russian olive trees are gone for good). We’re currently working on a plan for that and also his pantry (UGH–he’s a bit of a food hoarder). His pantry shelves are particle board and literally caving in. He’s going to plan a pantry using the Elfa tool (I adore Elfa) and once we do that and know what space we have to work with we’ll know what to throw out. I also fixed a few of the bathroom faucets, and found out he has mice–we got some live traps and are going to check the outside of the house tomorrow to see where they might be getting in.

  14. Lena Clare*

    I’ve just got an Apple TV subscription. I find that watching it online is frustrating because it keeps on freezing. I can watch about 1 hour then it just gives up.

    Anyway – I’ve discovered The Morning Show and it’s fabulous! I’ve always thought that Jennifer Aniston was an underrated actor but she’s amazing in this and I’m glad that she’s finally got a vehicle to showcase her awesome talent.

    And I’m watching Ted Lasso! I just love him. Its such a wonderful show, and it’s great to see a funny non-misogynistic male lead.

    Amy other TV recs?

    1. Lady Alys*

      LOVE Ted Lasso!
      I recommend “The Detectorists,” with Toby Jones, for a low-stakes slice-of-life comedy about a few friends in a metal-detecting club.

      1. Here for the Randomness*

        The Detectorists is great. It is on Acorn which my library allow a subscriptions so check for that.

    3. ThatGirl*

      I have a free year from getting a new phone, and there are a few shows I want to watch, but our main streaming device is a PS4. Which doesn’t support AppleTV. I’m kinda bummed, guess we’ll have to use a laptop or iPad.

    4. CTT*

      Another Apple TV+ recommendation: Dickinson! It’s very fun.

      I’m still surprised that Ted Lasso is good; I like all those people, but every time I heard about it I felt like I was being trolled because I loved those ads so much (my family and I still yell “HEY-O, THREE POINTS” whenever a shot goes over the goal thanks to him).

    5. Jay*

      Don’t know if these would be your speed, but I’m currently binging three slightly older shows in rotation on Amazon with my Prime membership:

      30 Rock (everyone knows this one)

      Warehouse 13 (basically, it’s a serio-comedic sci-fi show about what is more or less that giant warehouse where they put the Arc Of The Covenant in Raiders, so it’s awesome).

      Eureka (Warehouse 13’s Sister Show about a secret town in the Pacific Northwest populated by slightly crazy super geniuses, so, also awesome).

    6. pancakes*

      You might be able to get a free trial of the Metropolitan Opera app, which works via Apple TV. Some great productions in there of you like opera.

    7. Uranus Wars*

      I 2nd The Morning Show. I also loved the movie Greyhound, with Tom Hanks. As a recent subscriber, I am still looking into it and am going to follow this thread – thanks!

      I haven’t had any issues with Apple TV freezing, but I also stream it on an Apple TV – do you? Could that be an issue?

      1. Lena Clare*

        No, I don’t, and I did wonder if that was the issue. I’m just streaming it through my internet on my usual laptop, I don’t have any Apple products. And can I just day that my autocorrect automatically capitalises the word Apple, which is kind of depressing!

    8. Parenthetically*

      We are getting Apple TV+ purely so we can watch Long Way Up. We are devotees of the Long Way… series and my extremely low-key husband gave a big WOOHOO when I sent him the trailer.

  15. Online Therapy recs/advice needed*

    Anyone have any experience with online therapy? I’ve been suffering from chronic depression & anxiety and have had a devil of a time finding an IRL therapist. I’m pretty sure I’d want someone who could prescribe. Any general suggestions or specific sites that people have found helpful? Thanks!

    1. BWP*

      If covered by your health insurance, I recommend starting with your health insurance provider’s website and searching for local therapists. That way, you’ll have a list to work from and narrow down based on providers who accept your insurance. I also recommend doing a very quick Google or Yelp search for the provider – you’d be surprised how many reviews there are out there about providers. I found it helpful to read the therapist’s bio if they had a website to get a sense of their specialty area. If you do not have coverage for therapy, I suggest going to psychologytoday and searching by zip code. We referred people to this site when I worked at a sexual assault center. You can filter by specialty areas like anxiety, depression, etc. Good luck!

    2. Lady Heather*

      People’s experience with things like betterhelp and talkspace are really dependent on what therapist you match with – some therapists collect your money but miss all your appointments – and the platforms are.. kind of fishy. They present themselves as ‘We connect people to therapists’ but then they don’t guarantee you’re talking to a licensed therapist (let alone one licensed in your state), and they don’t allow therapists to follow their professional ethics guidelines regarding confidentiality (the platform owns your data) and duty of care – because all communication has to go through the app, and through the platform’s guidelines, they can’t do some of the things you’d normally expect a therapist to do. (Such as referring you to someone more equipped to meet your needs).

      The platforms also aren’t fair advertisers – in ads (and especially in influencer marketing) they say “Come to us with all your mental disorders!” but when you read the T&C or go through the sign-up process, you’ll be rejected if you actually have clinically significant problems. Which is deceptive and bad.

      So I’m not a fan of those platforms.

      “Zoom therapy” (or Skype, or ..) with a real therapist that you have a direct relationship with, not through an app? Can be very effective. I’ve not done it myself, but I’ve considered it when I needed a rare specialty.
      I have done some phone therapy in the past, with someone whose office was quite far away so we’d do an hour session one week and a 30-minute phone call the next week. That was more a check-in than a session, but it was very useful.

      It’s important that you have a private place to conduct the online therapy.

      1. Natalie*

        I find their advertising regarding price extremely deceptive as well. The tier that’s “cheaper than traditional therapy” includes zero “live” sessions, it’s entirely asynchronous chat. Once you pay for the levels that include any real-time conversation, it’s half the normal session length and the cost would cover 2-3 full length sessions in my area. And that’s before any insurance coverage. (No insurance covers these subscription services, as far as I know.) There are also no refunds if you don’t like the service, don’t find yourself using it, or forget to cancel an auto renewal.

        Especially now, when most therapists are offering video sessions, I honestly just don’t see the point.

    3. chi chan*

      I moved away so I have been having sessions on zoom for about one and a half year now. It works for me. You should have a quiet well lit place where you wouldn’t be disturbed and either do it on a laptop or prop your phone in such a way that your upper body is visible. My therapist says it helps her pick up my body language. Generally I make notes on my phone of what I want to discuss in therapy during the weeks. Of course I’m not too strict about it because sometimes the therapist encourages me to explore. Honestly it is a lot less hassle than dressing up and driving somewhere.

    4. Aza*

      If you can’t find a therapist who can prescribe, many doctors will. Definitely a general practitioner but my obgyn on my last appointment said to contact her if I ever need meds. Apparently many many people have been going on meds in the pandemic, through her office.

    5. Lyudie*

      I found my therapist through the Psychology Today site. I was already getting meds from my GP so I ended up going with a psychologist. You can filter by issues, insurance, etc. Since you want someone who can prescribe, you might want to check the https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/psychiatrists page, there are also pages for other therapists and telehealth therapists. I have been seeing my therapist via Zoom since March and I imagine many therapists are doing that these days. Good luck <3

    6. CJM*

      Have you tried Psychology Today’s “Find a Therapist” feature? I found a support group through that.

      A family member of mine is a therapist who works for a service network. If you have a network in your area, it may be easier to find someone who’s available. (It sounds like you’d want to see a psychiatrist, who can assess you and then prescribe medication, or maybe a psychologist after an initial psychiatric evaluation.) I’d start with any reasonable choice and see how it goes. I found my long-time therapist after seeing two others that I didn’t have great rapport with. All three of them were recommended by trusted people in my life: my GP or the teacher of a parenting course, for example. So that’s another avenue to find names.

      Good luck!

    7. Alex*

      I’ve been doing online therapy–my employer health plan contracts with a particular service, so I use that one.

      I really like it. I have a therapist, and then have also seen the psychiatrist for medication (at my therapist’s suggestion), both through the telehealth platform. I don’t think the psychiatrist does regular therapy generally, that is only done by therapists.

      I really like that I can just be comfortable in my own home while having a session. I don’t have to sit in a waiting room where I might run into coworkers (true story!), and I just feel all around more comfortable. Bonus that my health insurance waives copays for telehealth.

    8. Chris*

      I have been seeing my therapist via video since the start of the pandemic. Although I started with her in person, she actually moved out of state recently so I’ll be doing teletherapy going forward even if things go “back to normal”. It can feel a bit weird at first, but I feel I get the full benefit from it. T most important thing is having a private comfortable space in your home to do the session. I recommend the psychology today website. They have provider listings you can filter by insurance and specialty. If you are in the US, I would reconsider only looking for people who can prescribe, as talk therapy with a psychiatrist can be harder to find and more expensive. Most therapists are counselors or psychologists who cannot prescribe but will refer you to an MD, like a psychopharmacologist if they think you could benefit from a prescription. (That may vary by state too). I know it can be hard work to find someone and I wish you the best of luck!

    9. A313*

      Only an MD or psychiatrist in the US can prescribe meds, I think. Although my therapist, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker by title, did recommend one to me that I asked my regular doctor about, and he prescribed it.

      I’m sorry I don’t have any recommendations for finding an online therapist for you. Hopefully, someone else can chime in here. And good for you for taking this step; sometimes, especially with depression, it can seem so very hard.

      1. Natalie*

        Depends on the med and the state, but NPs and PAs can prescribe in my area. That said, IME most people who provide talk therapy don’t also prescribe drugs, they’ll refer you to your GP or a specialist for medication management.

    10. Generic Name*

      Psychology today has a really good therapist directory. Therapists generally don’t prescribe medications, however. An MD or psychiatrist will be the professional who manages your medication. My insurance has waived copays for teletherapy sessions through the end of the year, which is a godsend. It’s saving our family hundreds.

    11. Anonsi*

      Another +1 to Psychology Today as a good listing. You’ll probably save money by going to a licensed clinical social worker or counselor for weekly talk therapy. I found a therapist through Thriveworks dot com, which does video appointments. (We started in person just before covid hit). Mine is about $65 per hour session plus a $20 monthly fee for the service overall. People who can prescribe are medical practitioners and will be much much more expensive, so make sure they’re covered by your insurance. Your insurance website will have a “find a doctor” option which should let you filter by psychiatrists or general practitioners. Hope this helps, and good luck! :)

    12. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Most therapists can’t prescribe medicine. You will need to see a medical doctor like a psychiatrist or general practitioner for a prescription. And they will probably want to see you in person and do a blood test.

    13. Online Therapy recs/advice needed*

      Thank you all for your suggestions and your feedback. I was hoping to find a psychiatrist who could both prescribe & provide talk therapy, but maybe that’s too much of a unicorn. I’ll check out my insurance and the Psychology Today website.

      1. Lady Heather*

        They exist. But I don’t necessarily recommend it – they’ll likely be very expensive, for one. I also think most therapy psychiatrist do psychoanalysis – Freud-style “lay on the couch and talk about your mother, three times a week for eight years” therapy – which may or may not be an effective modality – but it’s certainly not an efficient one.

        In addition to that, psychiatrist’s training usually focuses more on the medical side and on things like diagnosis, risk assessment, etc – not so much on talk therapy. A psychologist will generally be better trained.
        Though training isn’t the end-all be-all of therapy. It’s more important you and your therapist get along/speak the same “language”, then experience is important, training is least important.

        Insurance usually doesn’t cover talk therapy from a psychiatrist either. YMMV.

  16. Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

    So do I have any financial responsibility here? My roommate went out of town for a week. I did the inside care for her dog and cat. She hired a service to walk the dog. They were lovely people but in their 80s, not nearly robust enough to give proper exercise and playtime to a big, young dog. I can’t keep up with her either.

    She’s also highly storm averse, and we had weather from Sally this week. So, bored, anxious and missing mom, she turned full on heathen this week. The worst was overturning the garbage can, and consuming several pieces of fried chicken. She’s never gotten into the garbage before. The chicken was mine. (This was an elective trip. I’m irritated she chose this week to go away, knowing how freaked out her dog gets.)

    She seems fine. If she had required medical intervention, do you think I bore any financial liability? While terrible, it was an unfortunate twist of fate. I don’t think I am responsible, but I wanted to get some objective opinions. I have no money anyway. I’m getting rent grants as it is. If I did have some, I would gladly help pay in the name of compassion.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I would say no, you’re not responsible.

      It would be different if you had been deliberately negligent – leaving the door open so the dog got out and got hit by a car for example. But in this case you were doing an (unpaid) favour for a roommate, the favour turned out to be a lot more onerous than you expected, and the dog did something you couldn’t predict in advance. So if you had to take the dog to the vet, your roommate should thank you profusely and reimburse you.

      Actually, in the future, I think you’d be fine to tell your roommate that you weren’t comfortable dog sitting in the future, and ask her to take the dog with her or put her in a kennel when she’s out of town. And cite this weekend as a reason – rambunctious large dog freaking out, and potential vet emergency.

    2. Pennyworth*

      I don’t think you are responsible in this instance, but now you know the dog can get into the garbage can you probably have a duty of care to keep dangerous stuff out of it in future. We used to keep stuff like chicken bones in the freezer and put them in the garbage can just before collection.

    3. valentine*

      I think there needs to be a negotiating of when she boards her pets (and in this case she’s responsible for the consequences of not doing so) and what responsibility you have to them when she leaves you to care for them.

    4. Quandong*

      I don’t think you would be responsible for medical bills if your roommate’s dog had become sick after eating chicken from the garbage. I’m sorry it ended up being such a bad week for you to be in charge of the pets!

      In my experience of caring for other people’s animals I have found so many things go wrong when the owners are away, it’s become the norm.

      Now I get details in writing of a local person to contact in emergencies (family/friend/veterinarian) and if the owner is available for emergency texts or calls or completely unavailable. I also won’t pay bills for other people’s animals any more (this was a $$ lesson to learn) so these days I ask that the owners make an arrangement with the veterinarian to cover expenses in an emergency. And I do ask them to leave instructions with the vet about really difficult decisions – I never want to make the call whether to try and save another person’s pet with surgery, or to start investigating mystery ailments with X-rays, etc.

      I don’t know if your roommate would be amenable to a more formal arrangement but if you do agree to care for her pets in future, it’s worth getting some agreements in writing before she departs, for your peace of mind.

    5. Loopy*

      As a dog owner, I think I’d just understand that things like this will happen and consider it an accident and not consider you/the dog watcher financially responsible at all. I’d be more upset if someone chose not to take the dog to the vet when I could jump on the phone and pay with my credit card via phone. That would be my take- your responsibility would be to make sure the dog got emergency care if warranted, but I’d be ready to pay via phone so you wouldn’t be put in a difficult financial position.

      1. Loopy*

        To be clear- I’m speaking hypothetically- not saying you should have taken the dog to the vet in THIS scenario :)

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, that’s how it works in my house when I leave my dogs behind. The people who are still here are trusted to determine if they need emergency care, but as long as it’s not something blatant like “I deliberately fed the dog ten pounds of dark chocolate with a side of garlic and onions and then gave her ibuprofen to make her feel better,” the bills are on me.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        Hard agree here. Let me know so I can give the vet my card over the phone, please. Dogs do doggly things, that is a given. The upsetting part is if the caregiver does not call to say something might be up.

        The grease in the chicken will probably make the dog’s stools wet/greasy. More concerning is if the dog ate chicken bones.
        I can tell you first hand a story about that. [graphic alert] I watched my dog go outside to make sure he was not having difficulty. Finally he passed something in the shape of a chicken bone. The dog was fine, but I was curious. So I took a stick and poked the bone. The bone was totally soft. Dogs have garbage disposers where their stomachs should be, I swear. So my dog was fine and showed absolutely NO signs of upset or discomfort. Life went on.

        Do let the owner know so she has say in what happens next.

        1. Ariaflame*

          As far as I know raw chicken bones are fine, it’s the cooked ones that are brittle, prone to splinter and cause problems. But it may depend on how it got in there. And the type of bone. And whether your dog just swallowed it or if they chewed it first.

          1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

            Fried chicken. I’m betting that she chewed really well, she doesn’t normally scarf down her food. But it’s been over 48 hours now so I think we dodged a 63-lb bullet there.

    6. Venus*

      If you are caring for a pet then your roommate needs to have a plan, such as leave her credit card info with the vet in case of emergencies. Many animals have crises when their owner can’t pay and the vet won’t treat them, so when I traveled I always left my financial info with instructions on what I wanted done (everything reasonable, with a possible good outcome). Although that plan wouldn’t help at 2am with the emergency vet, yet anyone who cared for my cat knew they would be reimbursed. If your roommate goes away again then please discuss finances! Maybe ask her to leave a card that you could use.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I’m curious about why you are going down this particular rabbit hole. The dog didn’t get seriously ill, didn’t have to go to the vet, and you have no reason to think your roommate would have tried to hold you financially responsible if it had.

      I think you’re angry about how the roommate handled this and maybe borrowing ways to be angrier (“if the dog had gotten sick then maybe **I** would have had to pay for it”).

      Maybe when your roommate gets home and you’re both in a good place, you could talk with her about the whole situation. Personally, I would start with “I love your dog but I’ve realized that I can’t do inside care for your pets while you’re away. The dog is too large and too rambunctious for me to keep her happy or even to keep her safe. This scare with the chicken really opened my eyes – she could have been seriously injured and I’m just not willing to take that risk with your lovely pet. Next time you go away you’ll need to board her with a friend or a facility that is better able to supervise her.”

      1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        I’m not borrowing ways to be angry, but you are right that I am not happy about this past week. This is her therapy dog; I feel like she got abandoned so her human could go off and play with her new boyfriend. She could have chosen next week to go instead, when the weather should be calm. The dog had to be sedated every day for her anxiety, but I couldn’t give her as much she needed because I don’t work at home. And right now my financial anxiety is riding very high.

          1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

            I’ve let her know everything that happened. It should have been the owner who walked the dog, not sending her parents to walk this particular one.

        2. MissGirl*

          I had this problem with an old roommate. She would take off for a weekend or an evening and I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of a huge dog I didn’t want and I didn’t feel belonged in a tiny home. I wish I could say I created boundaries but, no, I was quietly resentful. I would figure out where your line is and communicate it without anger. Tell her what you can and can’t do.

        3. pancakes*

          It sounds like the dog and roommate both need care and training around managing the dog’s anxiety better. Sedating a dog every time there’s bad weather doesn’t seem sustainable or responsible to me.

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Not dogs, but I have cats. When I had a roommate, I discussed with her before we moved in together that I had cats, and if I was out of town I’d appreciate if she could take care of them. She had no issues. However, I ALWAYS wrote down the food situation, any meds, did a really good cleaning before I left, left her with my number and my mom’s number, vet info, etc. Basically, if something went sideways, she had knowledge of what to do and could even bail – my mom would have come over to handle major stuff if needed. Nothing significant ever happened, but if it had I would have reimbursed costs no problem.

      I also have a duty as a pet owner to minimize the opportunities for chaos. Which means, if I was planning on going somewhere optional and I knew there was a significant possibility of tough times for the cats, guess what. I’m not going. I chose to have cats, I’m responsible for them.

    9. pancakes*

      I don’t think you can go too far with hypotheticals on this topic because your culpability would really depend on exactly what happened. Discarding the remains of a meal in a garbage can is a perfectly ordinary thing to do and the dog wasn’t injured as a result. If instead you’d, say, left some medication and the dog unsupervised, and the dog ate it and got sick, I think it would be fair to argue that you should bear some financial responsibility for its care. It sounds like you need to have a talk with your roommate about what her expectations are and what division of labor makes sense for you and her dog walkers.

    10. ...*

      No, you don’t, in face when I leave my dog with someone I offer to leave a credit card for emergency care or notify them that im willing to pay back anything the put on their own card (bc I would never want them to hesitate emergency care if he needed it). Their dog, their responsibility. Why on earth were the dog walkers in their 80’s lol? That would would if it was like a little poodle that just need to take a poop and head back in but why would she think that would work for this big energetic dog?

      1. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

        This was the pet service owner’s parents. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to send them, when she should have come herself.

  17. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Recipe call received! Something ate my comment last week, sorry about that. I’ll post my recipe for lemon ginger shortbread cookies as a reply to this comment in a couple of hours, once I am home.

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      So, here I am finally. :)

      Shortbread cookies are fantastic because you can add basically anything to a simple base recipe. Because they are mainly butter, sugar and flour, they also store for ages in the freezer.

      Here’s the simplest base recipe that I use:
      1/2 cup butter
      1/3 cup granulated sugar
      1 cup flour (I err on the side of too much)
      Optional: 1-2 pinches of salt

      Cream the butter with the sugar, then add the flour (and salt, if adding). Mix until dough comes together and is smooth. Roll into a thick log shape, wrap in plastic wrap and stick in the fridge for a half hour. Then preheat the oven to 325ish, cut slices off of the log about a half-inch wide and bake on a cookie sheet until golden brown.

      Notes for more advanced baking: Some recipes call for caster sugar or powdered sugar instead of granulated. These are great for a finer texture, but the amounts will be a little bit different. I suggest googling around–I rarely remember to have enough of these in my kitchen, so the above recipe is usually what I end up using.

      For lemon ginger shortbread:
      Add the zest of one lemon to the butter before adding the sugar. Adding the fine additives to the butter first amplifies their taste a little bit. After the flower is well mixed in, add 8 finely chopped sticks of candied ginger.

      For cardamom shortbread:
      Add 1 tablespoon of cardamom. I like adding the salt to this recipe, but some people don’t like the salty note.

      For lavender shortbread:
      Add 1-2 teaspoons of finely chopped lavender.

      And so on! The possibilities are endless. :)

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Sigh. pancakes downthread reminded me that golden brown is probably too dark and overbaked. Only slightly brown. Sorry, I haven’t made these in a while.

    3. Flabbernabbit*

      I’ve been looking for a savoury shortbread recipe containing a cheese like Gorgonzola or Parmesan that results in a soft texture. I had one years ago and lost it. Every well reviewed recipe I’ve tried is intended to be more hard or crisp. I’m a basic occasional baker, so I tend not to experiment. Any ideas?

      1. pancakes*

        I don’t have a favorite recipe that incorporates cheese yet, but there’s a Food & Wine recipe for savory shortbread with a bit of curry powder that I love, and an Epicurious recipe for rosemary shortbread that I’ve made at least once per year since it was published ages ago. The F&W one is called “spicy cocktail shortbreads” by Gail Monaghan.

        If you have rice flour on hand, try substituting a tablespoon of that for flour in any shortbread recipe — it gives a nice, delicate texture.

        Crispness is, in my experience, often related to over-baking. You want to take them out of the oven when they’re just barely starting to take on color.

        1. Flabbernabbit*

          Thank you, I will look these up. Agree I’m probably over baking. I have tried under baking but either way, my cookies are just dense and heavy as well. Looking forward to rosemary in my cookies. Spicy too. On it.

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh that does sound delicious! I don’t have any shortbread ideas, but I love love love my cheddar and chive scone recipe, which might hit the spot slightly differently. It’s the one from epicurious, except I add ground pepper and sometimes chili. I’m sure you could just swap the cheeses–I did an arugula and Old Amsterdam version, once, and I’ve toyed with doing something like sun-dried tomatoes and Parmesan but haven’t gotten around to it yet.

      3. D'Euly*

        I make the Cheese Thins with Smoked Paprika from the Chocolate & Zucchini blog, cut it a good bit thicker (like 1/4 inch or even a bit more), and take them out *just* as soon as the underneath begins to color (so that you can’t yet see color on the top – you have to actually flip one over to check), then let them cool on the hot baking tray as described. Crumbly and short texture.

        Gosh, maybe I need to make some myself this weekend…

  18. Kate*

    Is anyone else finding this “COVID fall” WORSE in some ways than the “COVID spring”?

    I feel like, in the spring, I was in pure survival mode, just trying to get through one day at a time, with a young kid at home, a full time job, and lines around the block waiting to get into the grocery store.

    Objectively it feels like things should feel better now, with my kid back in school, my work still letting me WFH, and the stores being sane again.

    And yet somehow all I feel like I can do is curl up on the couch in the fetal position and watch endless reruns of Queer Eye? What the heck is going on?? Is it just that there is finally a space to grieve the dumpster fire known as 2020?

    2. Lena Clare*

      I feel like things are easier for me, because I very much hate having a routine that’s disrupted and now I’ve had a while to get used to what for me is the ‘new normal’. But, yeah, I also feel a dip in my mood when winter starts drawing in so I think you’re right that the whole hibernation thing is making you feel more reflective and that’s giving rise to feelings you maybe damped down at the start, in order to survive.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I think this situation has finally pulled back the curtain on more than a few governments (not getting political here!) which has eroded public trust. Couple that with social media, which is a hot mess at the best of times, and I think its making the broader atmosphere more uncertain beyond the day to day worries of going to work/school + managing Covid.

      Curling up on the couch or watching comforting things is a way to build a bubble against the darkness – my weapon of choice is Golden Girls :P.

    4. Purple Sage*

      In the spring, everyone was saying, “This might last until July!” and that seemed a bit alarmist. Surely we’d get this under control by summer, right?

      Now we know, WRONG. No real end in sight. Makes coping a lot harder.

      2. Jane of all Trades*

        Agreed, I think that’s part of the issue. We’re past the initial panic stage, but I think we all thought things would be back to normal by now.
        But they’re not, and it doesn’t look like they will be, and I think a lot of us are (1) emotionally exhausted from the stress of the past few months (2) grieving our pre-covid lives and (3) trying to come to terms with the thought of this [gestures broadly] continuing during the winter months and thereafter. It’s a really tough spot.
        Can you try to add a long walk somewhere you enjoy every so often to your routine? Sometimes all I want to do is watch tv for days, but nature walks are one of the things that help a lot. Also, something I saw on a totally unrelated discussion is – can you put together a plan for the super low moments? Like maybe a set aside some apple cider and cinnamon, a face mask, youe favorite lounge wear, and soothing music and a scented candle? And if things get “I don’t want to get up from the sofa” level bad you treat yourself with those things and take care of yourself that way?

      3. Nessun*

        So much this. I was on a call with a boss the other say who casually mentioned that wfh will be a thing for us “until spring 2021” – that’s 6 more months!! I’m past the point of working up much feeling about any of it, and if I didn’t have to pay for my trainer I might not make it out the house some days to get to the gym. I dread the cold weather coming, and the need to stay indoors when it’s a frozen northern wasteland…were supposed to have a very cold winter.

        Basically my coping skills are at a low simmer triage most of the time – sad, make tea; lonely, make call; tired all the time, but get up and shower/work.

      4. allathian*

        Yeah, this. The fact that there seems to be no end in sight and that numbers are going up a lot again in my area is disheartening.

    5. CJM*

      Yeah, it feels harder to me now too. I recently shifted into marathon mode. In the spring it felt like a sprint (“be ultra cautious — but just for a few months!”), but now it feels like a marathon (“find some ways to live normally — but safely! — because this is going to last a loooooong time”).

      I read this comment not long ago in a Carolyn Hax column, and it helped too: “The middle of things is always hard.” We’re definitely in the middle now.

      1. The poster formerly known as Pomona Sprout*

        “The middle of things is always hard.”

        Yes! And the middle is especially hard when you have no idea when the end may come.

    7. Lore*

      I think also that in the early spring it was COVID and then in the late spring it was COVID and George Floyd and then as summer went on it became all of those and also the American West is burning and the Atlantic hurricane season has run out of named storms and also the presidential election and oh right, COVID is still going on and all the temporary adjustments made in March are wearing thin but we still don’t know enough to make big permanent changes. (For example—it’s likely that my job will support long term remote work indefinitely so possibly I could move somewhere farther away where a backyard and an actual home office would make it less awful to wfh, but it’s not definite and then my partner would need a new job and I’d have to sell a home in a pandemic and so I’m stuck in this limbo.)

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        This, definitely.

        There’s an old quote attributed to Henry Kissinger, when he was Secretary of State: “There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.” This year, that feels like it applies to most of us, not just powerful people in well-paid, prestigious jobs.

        I’m in Massachusetts, and have gone from March’s crisis and shutting things down fast, through gradual reopening, and now we’re on pause and no idea what’s going to change, or when, but our Fairy Godmother isn’t going to wave a wand of immunity over everyone this week, or this year.

      2. cacophony rising*

        And for me add: family stuff, death stuff, selling family home stuff, keeping everyone in the loop stuff, deadline stuff, etc. I am just on the edge of crying all the time, and I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with…any of it any more. I just want the world to go away…

    8. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Things keep getting worse and worse, so it makes total sense. My area is on a local lock down, politics, climate change, the job situation, and so on… It’s all really getting me down in a serious way. And I’m not at all surprised that others are having a hard time.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Around here people talk about fall bringing on cravings for hibernation. It’s finally cool and good sleeping weather that makes it worse.
      Add in “our world today” and fetal position on the couch makes a lot of sense really.

    10. Mimmy*

      I agree with everything that’s been said. During the spring, it felt like things would settle down by summer or maybe early fall. By the end of May, it became clear that this would going to last awhile. When my work announced that we’d be conducting our program remotely AT LEAST until December, that brought the new reality home for me. My mental health has definitely taken a hit as a result of it all :(

    11. Courageous cat*

      I find I feel a lot more alone this fall. Back in spring, everyone was in this together and everyone was bored at home, but now everyone’s completely given up and is back to doing normal things and I’m still not and it’s just like, well damn.

      1. Confused Single Mom*

        Just wanted to say I’m in the boat and it sucks. You aren’t alone with how you feel and you are awesome for holding your ground!

      2. Tris Prior*

        Yes, this! In the spring, it was like, OK, everyone is in the same boat here, everyone has to cancel plans, this is not the universe crapping on me and only me. But now things are reopening even though cases are still high, and people are going about their lives and traveling and eating out….. except I don’t think any of that is safe so I’m still mostly staying at home except for essential errands (which I’m trying to cut WAY back on, having dome some big stockups recently) and medical appointments. Now it does feel like it’s only me, even though I know it’s not and that others are still being cautious.

    12. LGC*

      It’s been a roller-coaster for me. Right now, things are pretty good with COVID-19 where I live, relatively speaking. (They’re not great, because – you know – the US.) But I’m obsessed with the idea that we’re going to have a repeat of the spring again and that’s been in my head since…this summer and hasn’t gotten better.

      I think, too, that in the spring I had hope that although things were terrible and the world felt like it was ending, like…you know, we’d be on the mend by the fall. And that isn’t the case. In a lot of ways, although fewer people are getting sick, things are worse. And it feels like the people around me don’t see how bad things are and sometimes I want to scream, “WE CAN NOT GO BACK TO NORMAL PEOPLE ARE DYING STILL.”

    13. lazy intellectual*

      Not worse necessarily, but I’m dreading winter. Being stuck at home in the dark all day? For six months? Like, I’m super fortunate to be able to continue WFH, but seasonal depression compounded by COVID depression plus whatever else is going on in the world will take a toll on me this year.

      1. Pennalynn Lott*

        lazy intellectual (and anyone else with seasonal depression) — I, too, suffer from seasonal depression and light therapy lamps have been a game-changer for me. My doctor prescribed one for me back when they were ~$400, but LED bulbs have brought that cost waaaaaaayyyyyyyy down.

        I now have three lamps from Circadian Optics that I bought from Amazon for $49/ea. I won’t post a link because it will get caught in moderation but you can search for “Circadian Optics Lumine Light Therapy Lamp” on Amazon (or elsewhere).

        Literally a life-saver.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Thank you! I was actually thinking of getting one. If there was a time for light therapy lamps now is it.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      There is a limit to what we as human beings can handle, mentally and emotionally. In the spring, we were in survival mode. That doesn’t last forever, and when it ends, we crash. Sounds like you’ve crashed. Be gentle to yourself. Try to sleep, eat, get some exercise. If you feel like you need some help, there’s no shame in that.

    15. Hill House Resident*

      I think it is worse. The numbers of diagnosed cases keeps rising, but it doesn’t get as much news coverage anymore because it has become the new normal. (And there’s been a disturbing lack of leadership on almost all levels.) The numbers of people dying is not quite as many, but still too many.

      Yeah, staying home, social distancing, face masks, washing hands all the time and sanitizing things in public places. It doesn’t really seem like things are getting any better. I sort of wonder if this might be sort of how it was to live through the Spanish Flu of 1918 or the Great Depression, or World War II or something.

      I’m reminded of the supposed Chinese curse (or blessing), “May you live in interesting times,” although I don’t think that the current times are particularly interesting, just annoying and frightening, with the sense of impending dread you feel in horror movies.

      1. pancakes*

        On the topic of the 1918 flu, there’s a fascinating letter from a nurse named Lutiant Van Wert that Slate published in May. I missed it at the time but the author of the accompanying article, Lili Loofbourow, retweeted it this week, and I found it very moving. The nurse was 19 at the time, and, as Loofbourow describes, “a Chippewa graduate of the Haskell Institute in Kansas, a very good stenographer, and a hell of a writer.” I’ll link to it in a separate reply.

    16. Malarkey01*

      Survival mode is actually a real, very useful phase- psychologically comparable to fight or flight. Your brain is consumed with problem solving and understanding the situation, your emotions lose their edge and shut down a bit because your mind doesn’t have room for both and usually problem solving has the evolutionary upper hand. As the emergency wears off and you adapt to the situation, your brain gets used to the new routine, has more information, and has more “room” for emotions. If you’ve ever noticed the end of an adrenaline rush to your body (shaking, exhaustion, little on edge), that happens here too only now FEELINGs get the upper hand.

      That’s where we are.

      1. Might be Spam*

        Very true. I’m great at handling emergencies. As soon as everything is done that’s when I fall apart.

    17. Flabbernabbit*

      Ahh those early days of innocence, when I thought a few hard weeks of iso will bring forth May flowers and endless possibilities of frolic, summer gatherings, wide smiles, and international travel.

    18. Might be Spam*

      Now is the time when we start looking forward to and planning for winter holidays. In summer we could meet outside and pretend things were almost normal. In winter it’s too cold to do that and we have to face major disruptions to our family traditions. Some family members are going to be upset and will take out their fear and frustration on the rest of the family. Hiding under a blanket on the couch in the fetal position is a normal reaction to an increasingly abnormal situation.

    19. tangerineRose*

      I live on the West Coast of the USA, not far from where people were being told to prepare to evacuate because of fire danger. So I’ve spent the last I don’t know how many days checking the fire progress online and trying to get together stuff in case the evacuation area gets closer. I’ve been fortunate enough that the evacuation area is retreating (yeah for firefighters!), but fire danger + COVID19 is just worse.

      Although yesterday the air got much cleaner that it’s been lately because of the fires and what with that and that I probably won’t need to evacuate, I’ve actually been feeling really grateful the last couple of days, so I guess I’m not totally in sync.

    20. Girasol*

      In the spring we were quarantined but there were tulips and daffodils, and the season brought a sense of hope. Now we’re heading into cabin fever season way too early (wildfire smoke) and looking at a very long winter. So I’m feeling out of sorts. Without a vacation and friends and something to wake my mind up, I feel kinda dull too. And then there’s the news – wildfires and hurricanes and protests and counterprotests and people beating each other up over masks/no-masks and politics and the US election … Ughh. No matter what side you’re on it’s depressing. So yeah, there are days when it’s hard to keep my chin up. But then, I have a house and food and health and safety so I remind myself how fortunate I am.

    21. The poster formerly known as Pomona Sprout*

      OMG, yes, it’s so much worse. And I know we can’t get too political here, but I think it’s fair to say that no matter which side you’re on, the impending election is adding greatly to the already existing stress for a lot of people. It’s almost all I can think about these days. O_O

      The shortening of the days and the thought of impending winter aren’t helping either. I found it a lot easier to keep my chin up during the long sunny summer days that are starting to feel like a lifetime ago.

    22. CastIrony*

      I was like this all summer. All I can do is work, grocery shop after work if I have to, and decontaminate when I get home. Wash, rinse, and repeat. And I can’t even do crafts because it’s too much.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Im not the only one feeling less than crafty? That helps.
        This spring I bought supplies for my first sweater-knit-for-myself. Balled the yarn, knit the swatch, stopped.
        I’ve put a couple of rows on a dishcloth, attempted 2 mask patterns, and that’s it.

    23. Nita*

      It feels worse now. It’s like the end of the world, only in slow motion and not fast like it happens in the movies. I guess one has to be grateful for small things – it’s happening so slowly that more people will be able to save themselves. I hope. But I can’t do much about my family’s particular situation, so I’m on edge all the time.

    24. Ermintrude*

      I think it’s also made worse by the realisation that we literally can’t (or mustn’t) go back to normal because normal is destroying the environment which is why we have a pandemic and wildfires and…
      That and the fact noone in charge actually seems to want to act as needs to be done. It’s very very scary, and very hard to handle. I’m grateful to have a garden (this morning I went outside to see the bats) and am not sure I would be doing particularly well without it.

  19. Bobina*

    Thanks for all the tips and Lenovo laptop advice last week! I looked around for restored Thinkpad’s but couldnt really find any in my area so ended up going with the Ideapad 5 as expected. Im now enjoying things not taking 5 minutes to load and how quiet it it is (my previous laptop was very much in the “sounds like an airplane taking-off category”).

    Adjusting to a smaller keyboard though, had not anticipated how much that would throw me!

      1. Bobina*

        I probably could but I spend most of my time with it actually on my lap on the sofa, so dont think that would help! Just need a bit of time to get used to it I suppose…

    2. MadMaddy86*

      If you find that you cannot get used to it a wireless keyboard is always an option! They range in price from as little as $20 to high end ones that are heftier price tags depending on what you want to spend. the same goes for wireless mouse.

      It all varies based on your comfort level and what specifications you would like.

      They even come in combo packs. you can go talk with your local best buy people or just search online and read the reviews if interested. Enjoy your purchase!

      I have been using my laptop a 2008 Dell and am at the point where I think I need to come to terms that I have to start saving up for a new one so I understand your journey and am envious of you at the same time!

      1. Bobina*

        I actually use my laptop on my lap generally, so an external keyboard would be more effort, so guess I’ll just have to train the brain to get used to the new normal….!

        But yes, I can totally empathise. My previous laptop had been on its last legs for quite a while but I tend to subscribe to the “if it still works why replace it” way of thinking quite often, so I just never bothered replacing it until it finally crashed. Dont be like me! The new one is lovely and light and quiet and suddenly its that thing of feeling like you have so much freedom to actually move around with it rather than it being a quasi desktop :’D

  20. 2020 sucks*

    Emotionally, the last couple of days have been a bit of a gut punch and 2020 just seems to get worse. What helps you calm your mind and worry less about things you can’t control?

    1. Lena Clare*

      I love questions like these because I love reading what works for other people and how they build up resilience!
      For me (and I dont always do these things, so it’s a good reminder!) things that calm me are:
      – buying, playing with, and watching YouTube tutorials on, makeup
      – exercise! I got the all clear from my doc re: my broken foot and whatnot so I need to get back to this asap
      – being out in nature. Very early in the morning, when the rest of neighbours are still in bed, I take my coffee outside, in my pjs and all, and drink it while just being still. I especially love this time of year when the sun is low and air is crisp
      – playing & cuddling with my kitty cats
      – cooking and eating. Oh, and reading cookbooks. Last night I made vegan keema with leftovers, and very nice it was too!
      – reading
      – writing, including journaling.
      – talking therapy. Person-centred, humanistic experiential works best for me.
      Best wishes, Lena

        1. OP for this thread*

          I don’t know either but seeing it felt like a pretty flourish :)

          I’m sitting here looking at cute dog clothes, petting my dog trying not to think, overthink, or worry. There is something soothing about petting a warm furry lump

          1. nep*

            I do miss having a kitty. We had to put our little guy down a couple years ago. We’d been looking into getting another when COVID hit…Once we’re a bit ‘out of the woods’ (????!!!) we’ll get another. It really helps to have a furry companion.

        2. gsa*

          Why not sign formally?

          Formality has its place and the anonymous interwebs you can insert it at your own discretion!

          Best Regards,

          gsa

    2. nep*

      Exercising, spending time in the woods, reading, watching vids that make me laugh, meditating, listening to certain teachers/’gurus.’
      These days I’ve been listening to Pema Chödrön all the time. She talks a lot about finding ways to be OK with ‘groundlessness.’

    3. TPS reporter*

      So many great suggestions. Writing is excellent- get out whatever you are thinking or feeling. Put it all on the page. Do some long form activity that is engrossing like a puzzle while listening to your favorite music, baking something elaborate, a great book series. Make art in whatever form you like. Nature- make a list of hiking trails near you and set a goal for how many you want to see in the next two months

    4. theAcademicBeanMovesOn*

      For me, its focusing on the things I can control. I cant fix big political problems –at least by myself– but i can do smaller things and those do make a difference. I can’t fix my job right now, but i can freshen my skills. I cant stop a wildfire but i can donate money to a relief org. this is how i keep from drowning. and when that is too much. there is ice cream, beer and pretty fall mushrooms to look at.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I think about a world where everyone did their modest bit to help situations heal. I think we all would be shocked to see what happened next just based on modest effort.

        1. nep*

          Yes. It all must start with the individual anyway. One mind, one heart, one person at a time. Might sound trite, but it is true.

    5. Lyudie*

      Coloring and making things in general. Losing myself in interesting video games and podcasts. My new art journal. I’m not sure how much these things help long-term but they make me feel calm in the moment.

    6. Aza*

      I’m taking a break from facebook. I had watched part of “the social dilemma” on netflix a couple days ago, and then all this stuff with rbg… it’s just too much.

      I woke up this morning and deactivated facebook. I’m hoping to stay deactivated through the election. We’ll see. I just can’t take it right now. It’s more negative than positive, and it stokes my anxiety.

      1. Dorian*

        I will NEVER go back to Facebook. It hooks you in with social connection then feeds you a steady stream of propaganda. I closed my account for good 3 years ago and don’t miss it at all.

        1. Malarkey01*

          Same and for everyone that thinks I’m too smart and rational to fall for propaganda -it’s scary how it seeps in and how incredibly insidious it is until people have a very distorted view.

    7. chi chan*

      I usually like listening to online meditations or ASMR. There is just something about someone saying the right thing; the thing you needed to hear that calms the mind. Also I like writing or making pro con lists. Usually something shakes out that I can do.

    8. Hotdog not dog*

      Besides hobbies (gardening, reading, crocheting, hiking) I am coping by writing lists of the things I am grateful for. An actual handwritten-with-a-nice-pen-in-a-nice-journal list, including the reasons I am thankful for whatever it is. I try not to repeat, so if I wrote down that I was thankful for finding a new hiking trail yesterday, today I need to put something else. I am currently thankful that today we’re expecting perfect gardening weather, that this AAM weekend thread exists, and that I am enjoying a really good cup of hot coffee this morning. Sometimes I have to stretch, but intentionally looking for the bright side helps me prevent going into a “doom spiral”. I can’t take full credit for this strategy, it came from a therapist I saw for my depression. This has been a really tough year all around, but I have faith that we’ll eventually get to the other side.

    10. slmrlln*

      Exercise and getting outdoors, doing something that I can control (making a donation, writing a letter, etc.), and baths. Baths really help me sleep when I’m feeling anxious. If you put a bath bomb or some bubble bath or epsom salts, then it feels like a treat too.

    11. Flabbernabbit*

      I say things out loud that make me feel happy to distract me from ruminating over something else. Years ago, a friend suggested that I imagine myself to be a ribbon in the breeze. I can twist and dance but the wind will do what it does. Another friend has the word “breathe” tattooed on her forearm and she looks at that. I was surprised because she always appeared to be one of the calmest people I knew. Or I’ll tell my husband that I love him out of the blue when I’m burning with intense hatred of the ever worsening political climate. Or the climate. He thought I was nuts until I told him it calms me and wasn’t about him at all. And yeah, a walk in the woods (when the smoke doesn’t wear your lungs), and a break from social media is key. I need to mute until after the election now that RBG is gone.

    12. voluptuousfire*

      Listening to podcasts. I’m a big fan of You’re Wrong About. It’s from two journalists who debunk/discuss media personalities and events in history. The episodes on the Satanic Panic and stranger danger really give context to what’s going on right now and how cyclical it is. Knowing backstories really give you perspective on it.

      Reading. Rereading favorites, attempting to read a Noam Chomsky book, reading Jackie Collins-esque trash novels, etc.

      Watching my cat learn to become a house cat. She was out on the street for a year and had been a house kitty at some point (she was spayed already, discovered when she was taken by the TNR group for her appointment), so it’s so funny to watch her figure things out. She’s becoming a toughie–she showed a dust bunny and my desk chair’s wheels who’s boss by hunting and attacking. It’s so rewarding, watching her grow and am so glad she’s here.

    13. Stephanie*

      Exercise is extremely helpful for me, especially hard, sweaty stuff if I’m feeling extra angry/helpless. If it’s just generalized anxiety, yoga is amazing. The focus on breathing is very calming and centering.
      I also always feel better if I accomplish something around the house, whether it’s just cleaning the bathroom or a big project (I just finished painting my kitchen cabinets last weekend), making my home more pleasant always helps.
      Playing with or just petting my dogs.
      Watching funny or feel-good shows. My current feel-good show go-to is Friday Night Lights.
      Getting thoroughly engrossed in a good book.
      Getting outside and feeling a little sunshine on my face, even for just a few minutes.

    15. Chaordic One*

      When I’m by myself, I can really get into a zen space when I assign tasks to myself, usually something that I need to do anyway that might be kind of boring such as vacuuming and dusting, washing windows, decluttering, or doing laundry and ironing, or washing my car. Sometimes I might turn to cooking and baking or to crafts. I do enjoy shopping with a list and have a mildly disturbing (as in being overly consumerist) sense of accomplishment when I drive home from the grocery store with my car trunk full of bounty.

      Sometimes it can be something like helping a family member, such as my parents, my sisters or my nieces and nephews with a project, but that is more demanding having to deal with them and their anxieties and annoying quirks.

    16. Junior Dev*

      I try to 1) avoid looking at any information whatsoever about the news, whether that means blocking or filtering topics on my social media, not using social media, reading a book rather than going online and 2) picking one or two things I can do to help with problems in society—today I’m helping a teacher relative get set up with the technology for online classes, and later in the weekend I’ll be working on open source projects that relate to causes I care about. I also am going to call my congresspeople at least once this week.

      I know a lot of caring people who feel like they’re obligated to keep reading the news and scrolling through the endless horror and tragedy and I’m here to tell you: you’re not. If you want to make a difference in the world, pick something small enough to be realistic that you can get it done, preferably local to you, preferably using some skill or resource you have that most people don’t, preferably working with existing groups or organizations. Inform yourself enough to do that specific work effectively and shut everything else off.

      There’s too much happening for a human brain to process right now. And putting yourself right in the firehouse of information that is social media and news websites is more likely to overwhelm you and make you less effective at actually helping people.

      Of course if your mental health means you have to check out entirely, do that, don’t worry about doing the sorts of things I’m talking about here. But if you feel some guilt about not staying on top of current events, it’s much better to pick one thing and do it well than it is to continue exposing yourself to information that is overwhelming, distressing, and not actionable.

    17. Perstephanie*

      Exercise. It uses up the restless physical energy. I still have the restless mental energy, but it’s easier to cope when I’m physically tired.

      Animal livestreams. I cannot get enough of watching animals go about their days. Sometimes I fall in love with a special animal, and get to see them carrying on with their animal life, being admirable and brave and doing no wrong. It helps.

    18. Might be Spam*

      I study folk dance and Tai Chi videos. When I am focusing on learning a physical skill it takes all of my concentration and forces me to not think about the rest of the world. I spent the first two months of lock down working on the Clare Battering Step. Even when I wasn’t practicing, I kept the music going.

    19. Malarkey01*

      I’ve taken news blackouts and really cut down on online reading. Being well informed is important to me but I found I was getting angrier and angrier and cycling round unproductively. Getting away from the crisis of the day (and they really are new daily crisis, but there’s no bandwidth) has help put some things in perspective between what I can and cannot control.

      I’ve also just stopped wasting energy on being angry at CoVid deniers and political conversations. If someone starts it I shut it down because it’s not adding anything and sucking so much away.

    20. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I have become pretty good at recognizing when I am about to ‘tip over’ into a downward spiral and now know that means to get off my butt and put the device away. I can control the amount of information coming in that way, or I can control my immediate environment by cleaning a bathroom or putting the dishes away. I can then distract myself by riding the spin bike, putting on a short yoga video, working on hobbies, going for a walk, or starting a cooking project. If worse comes to worse, its reading a book and dozing with a cat.

      I have also been known to put on website blockers so I can’t go read the news online if I am looking at recipes.

      Ive also learned to try and be thankful for this time. Thankful that I don;t have to commute, that I can cook and eat nutritious meals for every meal, that I have an opportune living environment right now, that I can learn some new skills.

    21. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      My friend recently said he recommends anything that links attention, movement, and breath, and I’ve found that very useful. Exercise, meditation (the “movement” is just my breath, but I think it still counts), playing music–all of them make me feel calmer and more resilient even after five minutes. I…how to put this…feel more like a whole, complete person who is moving through this time than like a frail, fraying consciousness being battered by this time.

    22. Esmeralda*

      1. Take a vacation from the news.
      2. Follow/read nice people and non-political/medical/meteorological topics on social media.
      3. Read /reread books and magazines that are not political, not about covid, not about fires (my family is on the west coast)/hurricanes (I live in the southeast).
      4. Reading/listening to/talking about political/covid/fires or hurricanes in small doses with people who are not overly furious.
      5. Me-time afternoon break: I buy expensive and delicious specialty Earl Grey tea just for myself, brew a pot mid-afternoon, and take 45 minutes or so to drink tea and eat something savory and highly caloric. Listen to my favorite albums while doing so.

    23. Seeking Second Childhood*

      As the days get chillier and shorter here in the US NE, I’m finding excuses to be outside in the sun. Like weekend yard work is a reason to take a mid-afternoon shower and sit in the lawn chair while my hair dries. Theoretically I am making a list of fall cleanup chores… Practically speaking I am soaking up some sunlight.

      1. Seal*

        Iguana free?! I live in the Upper Midwest and worry about squirrels and rabbits getting my tomatoes, not reptiles. Your comment both made me laugh and scared the hell out of me!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Notes from a black thumb: My spider plant had SEVEN flowers on its weird vine thing yesterday. Apparently it is going to be prolific in its reproduction. I’m just watering it MWF as I have been, because so far I don’t know what else to do, but that seems to be doing okay.

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        When a spider plant decides to have babies, they usually have a whole bunch. It sounds like you have a happy houseplant, congratulations!

        1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

          Probably because people that have them are constantly trying to give them away! I’m in Ventura county – want some spider plants?

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      Garden cleanup continues. I have racks of herb bunches drying on my back porch and still have about a thousand pounds of zucchini to bake into muffins and freeze, then it will be on to composting the fallen leaves for next year’s soil.

    4. Aly_b*

      I’m hoping to ripen my tomatoes a bit more then save some seeds. It’s my first time trying that and it seems incredible that you can just turn the plant into a bunch more plants. I’m hoping to ripen the tomatoes on the plant for now but we’ve had so much smoke the last week or so that I don’t think they’re getting enough sun. Hopefully this rain clears it up.

    5. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I had some people come clean the gutters yesterday and in preparation I had to move a bunch of stuff away from the house so that they had a place to put their ladders. I took the opportunity to clean some things and move a big bag of weeds that I was attempting to compost into a better bin. There are a few tomato plants that are desperately trying to ripen so I rearranged the plastic greenhouse to fit them in. Surprisingly the zucchini still seem to be flowering so I’m just going to leave them until they die off.

      I went a little crazy buying plants at the supermarket in the last few weeks and ended up with several random plants that I have no idea what to do with. For now I have just put some of them in pots but in the spring they will probably need a new home.

      I also ordered a tiny storage shed after contemplating it all summer, so that should arrive on Thursday. Hopefully that will help me tidy up all the random tools out of the weather and maybe get some of them out of the house.

    6. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      We may get frost soon, and I’m wondering whether those optimistic fall-planted strawberries will survive and continue growing in the spring.

      I have mad hopes of more cucumber fruit this year, but am shifting into speculative planning mode. I need more planters for container gardening, but space and energy are limited. I suspect October will be for research and maybe some decisions.

      Things I’m interested in, right now: cucumber; tomatoes; lettuce; cantaloupe or similar melons; winter squash (e.g. acorn or butternut). Garden zone 6 (6B, I think), and I think I need to assume I’m limited to what I can order online.

      Also, spring bulbs: does anyone want to recommend a source for daffodil, iris, or crocus bulbs?

      1. SpellingBee*

        My preferred source for bulbs is Van Engelen – my sister and I have been ordering from them for years, mainly narcissus, daffodils and species tulips. Their selection and quality are excellent, as is their customer service, and their prices are good too. You do have to order in quantity; the lowest minimum I can remember seeing for any of the things we’ve ordered is 25, and for some it’s 50 or even 100. However, you need a lot of them to make an impact!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Mind blown… that’s in the tiny rural town next to the tiny rural town where my husband grew up. I’ve been passed it all the time, and did not know it’s a big deal.
          If you have squirrels or chipmunks or deer, I suggest daffodils over tulips. Tulips are candy to mammals.

    7. StellBell*

      My balcony garden still has tomatoes, basil, melon plants, potatoes and onions. The aloe I transplanted to a larger, deeper pot. I cleaned the balcony in the morning and took all the compostable stuff down to our communal bin. I also took to my storage 12 pots for winter…

      Question: at what point should I just take out all the plants in terms of freezing etc? A frost will come in 4-5 weeks so that seems like a good time to be done, cover the pots of soil, dig up the potatoes, etc.

      Question 2: one of my melon plants died back so I clipped off stems with small melons, and have placed into a glass with fertiliser in the water to attempt hydroponic ripening of melons… Is this crazy? Too water world esque?

      1. I take tea*

        I tried to dig up all the Jerusalem artichokes in my pallet collar in the spring, because it tends to take over, but nope, seems impossible to find all the tubers – the little buggers are thriving, now that they have space… I like the taste, but sadly they make me ridiculously gassy. Oh well, I’m home a lot anyway.

      2. Venus*

        Take out the basil and tomatoes the day before the first frost and hope that the tomatoes continue to ripen. Potatoes and onions come out when the plants are starting to brown. They can survive a frost but won’t continue growing.

      3. Nita*

        Last time I grew tomatoes, there were new ones ripening on the vine into December. We get very mild winters most years. I think we were getting some mild frosts at that point, but tomatoes are tough plants. I suppose the other plants do need to come out before the frost…

    8. PX*

      I think I am going to have no tomatoes and am very bummed about it. I got 2 plants from my neighbour in late spring (I guess?) who seems to have a wonderful green thumb. But alas, the plants grew and look healthy, but so far only 1 measly flower which died before even fully opening. Meanwhile I walk past his and see all the cute and tasty cherry tomatoes and wonder where I went wrong :'(

      But on a positive note, the random ferns I harvested from the patio (it grows out of the wall) seem to have taken to indoor pot living, so hopefully they stay alive. If they grow as big as they do outside they will make a nice addition!

      1. SpellingBee*

        Re tomatoes, too much nitrogen will result in lots of foliage but no fruit, so try not to be too nice to them!

      2. Venus*

        Yes, leaves without flowers is a fertilizer thing. I’m not sure how to fix it, but your neighbor likely gave them something to increase the other two numbers and get them to bloom more. You might ask them (it’s a fair question)

    9. Nita*

      Still picking lots of tomatoes, and a bit of squash. Maybe I was a little too optimistic planting a fall crop in September, though. It’s gotten pretty cold pretty quickly, so maybe this year we’ll get frost earlier than usual. Will see… My poor squash plant seems to have a case of powdery mildew – I’ll have to see if I can do anything about it, but it’s all over the plant, so probably too late.

    10. Ermintrude*

      I am starting work on a compost heap for the first time! It’s just the right time of year to do so and it’s helping me counter my massive climate anxiety. If I make compost, I help improve biodiversity in my garden, I stop contributing to the destruction of peat bogs and I save money. I’m quite looking forward to it!

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We brought in all the plants from climates warmer than ours today. Only the big fig is outside to be wheeled into the garage at sunset.
      I’m trying to resist overwintering as many geraniums as I did last year because they were a disappointment. I am resolved to store the dahlias dry-root this year for the same reason.
      The Thai pepper was the biggest success–I made a ristra in miniature and the plant itself is still blooming & bearing.
      I should have mowed today but I can do that after first frost.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I failed to resist the geraniums…they’re all inside. How could I abandon them when they’re still valiantly trying to bloom? :)

  22. Liane*

    Attack Rose is blooming profusely. This will probably be its last wave until spring. Mini Rose is also in bloom. For next year–any tips to keep grasshoppers away? The last 2 years I’ve had bad problems with them. They seem to be the only maladies neem oil doesn’t solve.

    Considering getting more mums. Mine is doing well but the one I got Daughter isn’t. We aren’t sure if it’s got too much water or what. Hers is in a tall cylinder pot, about 8″ high. It has a drain hole and I put a layer of rock in bottom.

    1. Pamela Adams*

      Our roses have finally emerged now that the feral tomato bush has finished producing. They have bloomed a bit, but will hopefully bloom more when it cools down a bit.

  23. Natasha*

    Was going to ask this yesterday in relation to work, but then realise it probably applies to most aspects of life. So the question is: do you think life is easier for more attractive people? Not just in the sense that they’d get more opportunities or receive favourable bias (subconscious or otherwise), but in terms of trying to get a point across.

    Case in point: I notice that when people talk about body positivity, people who are overweight but otherwise more conventionally attractive tend to have more people voicing support for them, and to jump to their defence if anyone says anything negative. Or when people who to justify terrible behaviour (usually of the narcissistic variety) would have people fight their battles if they’re beautiful (a number of ‘influencers’ come to mind).

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      Oh yeah, definitely, even documented in studies. Taller people, people with more regular features, get better ratings / more positive responses overall.

    4. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      95% of the time, yes. But I had the hardest time being an attractive woman in IT. (Now I’m an aging, invisible woman in IT, which is slightly better outside of the whole issue of me being 387 years old in IT years…) Starting a new job was always a nightmare. New coworkers would just look at me and immediately assume I was terrible at my job, just going by my looks. The first couple of jobs were the worst, because coworkers would assume I was getting raises/promotions by sleeping with the managers, or leading the managers on to think I would sleep with them, and some did not hesitate to spread those rumors around. Performance reviews were bad. I have never reported to a woman in my life and every performance review with a male manager went like this: Year 1, new boss – automatic low marks. Year 2 – it finally dawns on boss that I am getting the job done well, high marks. Year 3 – boss leaves and is replaced by a new boss, back to low marks… with few exceptions, this 2-year cycle kept repeating itself for years! The few exceptions were former teammates, or people I otherwise formerly worked with, that had been promoted to my managers. This kept going on until my early 40s and was extremely tiring. I admit that this was only in relation to work. Though, come to think of it, getting any point across to a man IRL in my younger years was nearly impossible. They did not take me seriously.

      1. AGD*

        This happens in academia as well. It’s the sort of environment that collects oddballs, so really conventionally attractive (and/or conventionally feminine) women often get treated as if they’ve advanced only because they’re pretty, as if there’s a trade-off between that and smarts. I have one colleague who won a big award for her research productivity/excellence 10-15 years ago, and people are still saying nasty things about her that don’t hold up to the slightest bit of scrutiny. That she wanted the award rather than being truly passionate about the work (…what?!), that she bribed the head of the awards committee (I don’t think they even knew each other), that her husband must have done the extra work for her (he would not have had the expertise to do anything more than open the software).

      2. Flabbernabbit*

        I agree with this. I just came here to say that the way you wrote it is hilarious. Humour within a sad and enduring truth.

        1. pretty anoymous*

          Yes, definitely. I’ve found that people are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt a ton, especially in stores with things like extra attention or letting me return something that has passed it’s return date. I took advantage quite a lot before I matured enough to realize why strangers always seemed to like me.

          It was really hard when I was dating though. I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone to want me for more than my face. This sounds conceited, but for a while it seemed like all my friends wanted to sleep with me (very bi crowd) and it was lonely. For a long time I tried to not develop feelings for anyone as a means for self protection. It was very much a relief when I could start wearing an engagement ring.

      3. Girasol*

        I’m plain and always have been, and I’m kinda grateful. This is one IT problem I never had to deal with. Plain has its advantages.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I do think that attractive people get attention sooner and also receive free (unearned) credibility.
      But I also see that very attractive people fight battles I will never face. Ever.

      Interesting to me, is that some people dress well and have nice hair/nails/makeup but they really are not that attractive. They just keep themselves very nicely. They have a knack for presenting as “well put together”. My friend is 82. I wanna copy her style, not kidding. She has a way of putting outfits together that are stylish but age-suitable. So she is a stylish dresser, with an 80 plus y/o face and awesome eyes. You will never see her modeling in a magazine. Yet she has an attractive way about her even at this age. (The older men still vie for her attention.)

      I think where I noticed it the most was in high school. It has tapered down since then, well no where to go but down really. The pressure to look attractive in high school was unreal.

      Currently, I think that people are just plain more attractive anyway. Each generation seems to get more good looking. I can really see that when I look at year books over the decades. Attractiveness is not the only variable. Height is also. I think that collectively society has a habit of looking beyond shorter people. We could do better.

    6. lazy intellectual*

      Hmm..I’m not sure when it comes to girls/women. I say this as a late bloomer who was not considered attractive in high school but started getting more attention/compliments in my early 20s. The only area it has sort of helped is dating maybe? But I still have trouble with that. I imagine it is much more helpful if you work in industries where being attractive is currency, like modeling and entertainment. But outside of that, people have a tendency to dehumanize/objectify attractive females, assume they can’t have any “real” problems, be intelligent, and things like that. Other jealous women can be very cruel. But these probably have more to do with sexism than attractiveness I guess.

    7. voluptuousfire*

      Yes and no. I was just thinking about this this morning. A random job interview I went on years ago (before social media) popped into my head. It was for a role with a small software company who was looking for an executive assistant. It was in a small office that had a window like that would separate the control room of a recording studio. I met with the interviewer and he had me sit in the main area which was separated by that window and observed me for 10 minutes. I just sat there. I dont remember what happened exactly but I remember being very relieved when I left. If I had been a cutie little chickie, I very likely would have been propositioned or sexually assaulted. Since I was heavier and less “attractive”, I probably wasnt worth the time. Sometimes being less conventionally attractive can be a blessing.

      2. Lemon curdle*

        I can’t get over the fact you’ve actually implied people are more likely to be assaulted if they’re attractive.

        Did you know studies have shown that people perceived to be less likely to be conventionally attractive are more likely to have their attackers found not guilty because of views like this?

        Please educate yourself.

    8. No Tribble At All*

      In high school I noticed a huge leap in how well people treated me after I plucked my caterpillar eyebrows and got contacts instead of glasses. There have been studies about this– people are more likely to help a “pretty” stranger in distress rather than a “homely” person. Even plus-size models, for example, are usually curvy with still an hourglass figure, really good skin, symmetrical faces, rather than lumpy apple-shaped. But, you’re right that extremely pretty and attractive women aren’t taken seriously in male-dominated environments. There’s an optimum level. At some point you become non-dateable enough that you’re one of the guys, but too “ugly” and you’re invisible. I do think there are some primarily women-dominated environments where attractiveness/looking “put together” doesn’t start to have negative consequences as you get to the top, except for jealousy — beauty is power.

      If you don’t fit the standards, you want to fit the standards (eg, I’m plus-size, and I want to lose weight), but when you fit the standards, you want people to treat you better.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        I guess what I have an issue with is people thinking there is some sort of linear relationship between attractiveness and quality of life overall? Like yes, being attractive has its advantages, but it doesn’t straight up guarantee a much better life overall, because there are so many competing factors – gender, race, class, physical and mental health, the community you grow up in… And women get minimized down to their looks whether or not they are attractive, which isn’t helpful.

        1. Lemon curdle*

          There’s perception, too. Is it easier if it doesn’t feel easier but someone else thinks it must be? Etc.

    9. natter*

      Yes, in general. I’ve been fat most of my life, but there were about 3 years when I was thin. And the way the world reacted to me was so starkly different during those thin years – it wasn’t like I was even a supermodel, just on the prettier side of average! Everyone was nicer to me. I got promoted into a job I wasn’t remotely qualified for. People listened when I talked. I got invited to way more social events. I just got the benefit of the doubt in nearly every situation.

      None of this has been true during the fat years, and I didn’t also magically change my job qualifications/intelligence/race/socioeconomic status/upbringing/personality when I gained the weight back. So I definitely think the difference in how the world reacts to me has to do with perceptions of attractiveness. Also, anecdotally, my father was super handsome and also a terrible human being and the oh my goodness, the things people were willing to forgive him! He was a constant liar, a chronic cheater, had children he didn’t own up to – and still people talked about him like he was a candidate for sainthood. I really don’t think they would say the same of an ugly man.

      I will add a caveat, though. When I was in my early 20s, I was working as an admin, reporting to two middle aged men. One day they had a conversation – right in front of me! – about how if they were glad they had hired me and not the other top candidate for the role, because she had been a cheerleader for an NFL team and having her around would be “too distracting.” I was deeply hurt to be the uglier choice and also, at the same time, so mad for this other candidate. I think people do make these kinds of decisions a lot, they just don’t usually say them out loud.

      Anyway. All said and having experienced both, I would still trade unattractive life for attractive life in a heartbeat because the dehumanizing grind of not feeling like a person is so hurtful on top of everything else people face in life. But, I’ll acknowledge that being so hot it’s a “concern” to men who might hire you (ugh) is one battle I’m glad not to have to fight.

      Basically, I think attractive people have a cheat code that makes the game easier, but that doesn’t mean they don’t face challenges.

    10. Ginger Sheep*

      I, from my very recent masked experience, definitely think attractive people have it much easier in life. Ever since masks are mandatory everywhere, retail workers, service people and random strangers have been WAY more helpful, kind and friendly than before. As it happens, the mask hides my very prominent chin and my crooked teeth, but displays my pretty eyes. I definitely look younger and prettier with the lower half of my face hidden, and it impacts social relations with strangers so much! I’ve been both enjoying the friendliness and being very annoyed with the realisation that I am ugly.

    11. Parenthetically*

      There’s an episode of 30 Rock about this — the main character dates someone played by Jon Hamm, and despite being a doctor, he is *terrible* at *everything* but thinks he’s super competent.

    12. Anonnington*

      I think it turns bias in your favor with ordinary things – everything from getting hired to getting a discount because you had to wait too long, or whatever.

      But when it comes to breaking ground and making serious intellectual contributions to society, there is a stigma against attractive women. The assumption is that these things should be reserved for those who need to elevate their attractiveness through their accomplishments in order to find a partner. And that if you’re an attractive woman and you’re also smart, you must be rich (everything was handed to you), or exceptionally bad at relationships. Or very young and naïve (you haven’t had time to find a partner yet or you haven’t learned that you will be able to find one without being highly accomplished).

      That’s what I run into again and again. But attractiveness still works in your favor in many ways. It is an advantage, and it’s generally not something to complain about.

  24. Amethyst*

    Google has been very unhelpful so I’m turning to y’all.

    A couple nights ago I had been relaxing in bed, scrolling through Facebook & reading news articles on my phone when I felt this small pit of intense heat begin somewhere in the middle of my abdomen (above my navel, I think). Then this heat exploded, for lack of a better word, & rushed into my upper body & into my head. It felt like I was burning from the inside, but when I ran to the bathroom to look inside my mouth, everything looked normal. I looked normal, my skin… Everything was fine. Lasted maybe 30 seconds, if that, but I got so frightened my heart was pounding & I was shaking & I couldn’t sleep for hours after that.

    I mentioned this to a trusted coworker the next morning & she says she experiences the same exact thing (my reaction was exactly the same as hers the first time it happened to her), as does her mother. But none of us know what this is.

    Has anyone else experienced this, & do you know what this is called? I’ll be mentioning it to my gyn when I have my annual in a few days. (Is it a sign of early menopause? I’m 35. Coworker is 42 & is going through menopause.)

    1. Doc in a Box*

      I don’t know either (and I’m curious what your gyn says) but me and my female friends experience this too, to varying degrees. Not correlated with menstrual cycle. I suspect that personally, mine is an adrenaline surge because of … the state of being a woman in 2020.

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      It sounds very much like a hot flash. It doesn’t necessarily mean menopause, any surge in hormones (including adrenaline from stress) could be the culprit. Definitely ask your doctor about it, but most of the time it’s no big deal, just really uncomfortable.

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      I wouldn’t take it as a sign of anything yet, but it does sound an awful lot like an early hot flash. My first hot flashes were pretty intense and then they mellowed out.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve had a similar sensation related to a panic attack. I don’t know the physiology of what generates the sensation but I assumed it was something to do with adrenaline in my case.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Above your navel sounds like stomach area. I think the logical thing to check would be what the heck did you eat?
      If I eat too much spicy, pungent stuff I can suddenly grow very warm. My friend will eat spicy stuff until he breaks out in a sweat. I warned him not to do that.
      It could be that you do not ordinarily eat spicy stuff, so maybe you ate something with some spices in it but it was not that “hot”. Because you don’t ordinarily eat that way the spices rebounded on ya.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Is this something that spices do though? This doesn’t sound normal for eating food with spices. Breaking into a sweat totally, but residual localized heat like that doesn’t sound like a thing.

        Maybe if the spices CAUSED something else like acid reflux or whatever, but not the spices themselves.

      2. Amethyst*

        I hadn’t eaten anything except a handful of Cheez-Its around 5 cuz I wasn’t hungry enough for a proper supper. I had normal meals prior to that though, but nothing spicy was had. This was completely different from heartburn cuz it felt like my head was burning from the inside when it hit, & it was gone within 30 seconds.

    9. Ethyl*

      In regards to menopause, just an fyi that perimenopause can last up to TEN [expletive deleted] YEARS before the onset of menopause proper. So it could very well have been a hot flash. OBOS has a great article on perimenopause I’ll stick in a comment.

      2. Texan In Exile*

        RE hot flashes. I have been trying CBD oil and it seems to be going OK, although I hate the way the oil tastes and it’s not inexpensive.

        I just picked up some black cohosh from Walgreen’s and am going to give that a shot. It’s a lot cheaper.

        2. Bibliovore*

          Yup. There Is nothing so discouraging as hot flashes AND Menstrual cramps at the same time. Yup ten years for me.

    10. Blackcat*

      Hot flash.
      Hormonal weirdness can cause it. I got them post-partum, and also when I had a bunch of cysts.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, that reminds me. I had those post-partum. Almost every night at first but then they tapered off until I got my periods back…

    11. Nicki Name*

      A hot flash is certainly a possibility. But if it keeps happening and you’re worried, talk to your doctor.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      It does sound a bit like a heat flash, possibly one that could also be related to a cramp, or maybe a cyst?
      Could it also have been cramping in your intestines?
      Sometimes I would get that and get really warm along with the brief pain low in my abdomen.

      It’s probably nothing to worry over much about unless you have it happen more often.

  25. Writer Wannabe*

    There are weeks I have literally **nothing** to do. I’ve taken trainings, exercised, read white papers, everything, and the busy season’s October. But bored right now. How do I get out of this funk? During the week?

    Also, I find myself following TV shows/stars on Twitter, possibly as a means of escape. I did a writing competition submission, the prize of which may involve actual publication and movie rights. Is it weird there are days I fantasize about becoming the (next big/great/whatever) author?

    1. MissGirl*

      Why aren’t you writing more? If want to succeed as a writer you should always be writing or editing something.

      1. Writer Wannabe*

        I wrote 100k+ words in the past several months and am writing once a week because my carpal tunnel flared up. Also to avoid burnout. I’m reading books now but restless and following celebs on twitter as a means of escape.

        2. Queer Earthling*

          Seriously. Writer burnout is a thing too, and sometimes you just gotta read/research/do stuff to get your creativity going anyway.

      3. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        My friends who write professionally make a point of giving themselves days off, the way people in other jobs routinely do, because it’s better for them and for the writing. The details vary: one person takes Sundays off, regardless (and does not assume she should write every other day), another will work intensely for a while and then take a week or month off. For values of “off” that can include research, whether in her own library or visiting another city or country.

    2. Queer Earthling*

      “Is it weird there are days I fantasize about becoming the (next big/great/whatever) author?”

      I mean I fantasize constantly about being on the Starship Enterprise or having my own dragon, so no, I don’t think fantasizing about your actually potentially attainable goals is weird, but you might not take my word for it. ;)

      Self-mockery aside, imagination is part of creativity, and dreaming about your goals is the first step to approaching them. Fantasize away. It’s fun and it’s healthy and it helps.

      1. Writer Wannabe*

        Starship Enterprise and dragon: :D (I mean, you could always get a virtual reality one? Or robotic, someday? I dunno)

        And thanks re: imagination as part of creativity. I feel a bit less disconcertingly weird now :P

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Hell no. I think about that a lot.

      It’s a nice fantasy; I’m also doing work to try and make it come true. I see by this post and your later comments that you are too. Luck favors the prepared, but in creative fields, we can work our butts off and still never get there. I mean, it could happen, but it’s not likely for most of us. The definition of success isn’t the same for everyone, either. For some, it’s superstardom. For others, it’s being able to make a living doing what you like to do, fame or not.

      Even if it does come true, getting there can be different from what you expect. (Example: you hope to be a best-selling novelist, but it’s your essay collection that hits.) Just remember not to be too attached to the fantasy itself.

    4. migrating coconuts*

      Maybe try something different? Coloring, puzzles, needlework of some kind, cooking, brain teaser puzzles, grab a camera and go to a local park/arboretum/woods, build your family tree, look for volunteer activities you could do safely, draw/paint, or some other kind of craft. Getting outside is always very good for getting out of a funk, no matter what you do when you are out.

      1. Writer Wannabe*

        Thanks :) (Also thanks to all above who commented).

        I’m taking up knitting again, plus I restarted a bit more writing (but at a less two-chapters-a-day pace, and more thought out). I was previously feeling rushed then exhausted/etc.

  26. MissGirl*

    Have you ever turned out to be right when everyone around you either made the opposite decision or seemed to think you were nuts for doing what you were doing? Maybe you got vindication but you couldn’t rub it in or celebrate because being right wasn’t great or you didn’t want to wreck the relationship. Now’s the time to share.

    There’s a woman in my area who hosts group trips for singles over thirty. She’ll rent a huge house or a few cabins at a destination resort and provide food and outdoor activities. I’ve been on one and it was a great way to meet people and get out of my shell. When she announced one for August, I was quite surprised because I figured forty or so people staying three days in one house was a great way to catch COVID. I couldn’t believe how many people showed interest on Facebook from several states. Although I get it too on some level. This darn situation has really hit single people hard and we’re all fighting back depression. We’re also older and faced with ticking clocks around starting families before it’s too late. We can’t sit out dating for a year.

    Four weeks after the event passed and I hadn’t heard a thing so I figured maybe I was wrong about how contagious this thing is. Then this week I went paddle boarding with an acquaintance from the group. Yep, a bunch of people caught COVID. My friend had an extremely mild case and has no regrets (I’m sups glad I’ve been social distancing from her all summer. She keeps suggesting activities that would have us in a car for hours and I haven’t trusted her risk level). One guy in my hiking group wound up in the hospital for a week and he has no underlying conditions and was in great health.

    The thing is part of me wants to blast people for such recklessness but part of me wishes I was wrong and I could go to the next one. Yes, she’s having more.

    3. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      Every.single.event for my org for this year, starting from mid-March, has been canceled. For reference, I’ve been to 8 events (mostly weekend gatherings at a hotel, one is a week-long gathering at a hotel) last year and to another 8 the year before. None this year, as it should be. We all go back years and (in some cases) decades, and are like family, are all feeling very lonely and miss each other, but we are also either high-risk, or have loved ones that are high-risk, and either way, even in my case of a fairly healthy middle-aged person, I am already living with lifelong effects of two past injuries, and do not want to add lifelong side effects of Covid on top of that. Blows my mind that someone would have scheduled one for August.

      I recently caught a glimpse of my former hiking club about to leave on a hike, as I pulled into the same parking lot for a solo hike. Group of about 20, standing close together in the parking lot, no masks in sight. No, thanks.

      1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        PS. Just saw it that she is having more after what already happened. WTH is wrong with this woman?

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I was just in Tennessee, and apparently they haven’t gotten the memo about COVID (at least not in the non-Nashville areas). There was a big car show, and people were lined up along the parade route with their outdoor chairs. All standing and sitting about three inches away from each other with not a mask in sight.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      “Have you ever turned out to be right when everyone around you either made the opposite decision or seemed to think you were nuts for doing what you were doing? ”

      I am chuckling, actually that feels like the story of my life. My elderly FIL used to talk about “keeping your own counsel” and your story here is a perfect example. We know that we know. Here, you did not need validation from others to make your own separate choice. And right, there is no saying “I told you so”. It feels kind of empty until you think about what is the actual goal here. The actual goal was to keep yourself safe and you accomplished that. Other people will have to have their learning experiences. And these learning experiences can be very costly, matter of fact the cost can be the highest price there is to pay.

      We have many things in our society where people take on unnecessary risk and lives are lost. It’s not new but it is just as horrible. We still have not been able to eliminate drunk driving. Nor have we been able to get a handle on cell usage while driving. All this to say, I am not surprised that people are also breaking procedures for Covid. It’s sad because it is so avoidable.

      I just saw an article about a pastor who told his congregation they did not have to wear masks. The pastor and his wife both got Covid. The article ended on the pastor saying he had no intention of changing his church’s policy on masks. Now this is mind-bending. I guess it will take time for the pews to empty out, church revenues to drop and then he will become aware there is a problem.

      I see Connecticut has a fine for having events that with over x number of people. The fine is $250 for the person who organized the event. Maybe this type of thing will work out… or not.

      Sometimes the most we can get is out of a situation is the internal satisfaction that we had the foresight to see the correct choice. And we cry for those who should have known better.

    5. Flabbernabbit*

      No one had to catch Covid-19 for you to be right. I’m gobsmacked at this woman and all the irresponsible people who sign up for these gatherings. A family member is holding a combined life event celebration and networking party in a park in a couple of weeks. A statement about masks and physical distancing appears on her event website, alongside a message to invite anyone you wish and the more the merrier. She sends messages about the event appearing to be maxed (because the event site she’s using maxes attendees due to regs where she lives), but ignore that and come anyway. She is well connected and publishes it out to all of her hundreds of social media contacts every few days to many eager responses. Mind boggling. I’ve always wished I were as gregarious as she is, but wow.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Yeah, I don’t get these people.
      There’s the wedding in Maine that resulted in 7 Covid deaths. None of the 7 attended the wedding. Attendees brought the virus to them. The wedding officiant is still holding services and shows no remorse.
      Wow. There are no words.

    7. Girasol*

      I was the first to cancel all of my commitments this year. I got lectured by all and sundry about how I didn’t need to be so afraid, and it’s not as bad as all that, and they say you can’t get covid outdoors/from friends/in stores, and it’s just the flu, and . But each organization that I bowed out of changed their plans and cancelled everything before their next event anyway. I didn’t miss a thing except for the opportunity to say “I told you so.” I still struggle with social distancing though. People still step closer and closer and I step back and back until they say, “What’s the matter? I’m 4 feet away, that’s almost the same as 6!”

    8. WS*

      I’m in Australia, in hard lockdown, and I was just talking to a US friend about this. I think in some ways it’s a bit easier for me because there’s an authority saying “Do this, and here are the reasons why, and here is the hard data,” whereas she has to take on all that assessment herself in the face of people not doing the right thing. And it’s really obvious that the US death toll is massive – and the number of survivors who will have long-term issues even higher – but that’s an abstract thing to a lot of people.

    9. Dan*

      The reality is, good decisions are good decisions, even if the outcome is not the ideal one. Bad decisions are bad decisions, even if the outcome was positive. And… even if nobody caught COVID at this one, doesn’t mean they won’t at the next one.

      But I don’t think your “blast” will be productive. Those who got really sick know it and don’t need a reminder, and those who got just a mild case may think it was worth it and may consider your “blast” to be sanctimonious. Net result is your blast is likely to not gain you any friends, and stands a good chance of rubbing people the wrong way, so it all depends on what outcome you are trying to achieve.

    10. Systemic Failure vs Personal Responsibility*

      Honestly, this situation seems to me like a personal problem that is made possible by a systemic failure. We can all say that this organiser is terrible and negligent and that the people who sign up are foolish and wrong, but as long as the government allows people to make terrible choices, the problem is systemic and personal responsibility can only do so much.

      Where I live, this sort of gathering would be illegal right now.

  27. Glove me, baby!*

    Has anyone sewn their own fabric gloves? any patterns, techniques or tips to recommend? It somehow seems like a good idea, all of a sudden.

    1. Editor*

      There are vintage patterns for glove-making. I think Vogue may have offered some, along with some of the other older pattern companies. Try eBay. Also, look for groups that make historical costumes or do re-enactments. Many more gloves there.

      Google “glove sewing patterns” and you will find a bunch of entries. Also, try Threads magazine. They do a lot of tailoring and garment articles, and I am pretty sure I read an article there (yes! See link on reply post).The magazine has an online community that you may find very helpful. Threads is worth subscribing to if you like to sew clothes.

  28. PostalMixup*

    A few years ago, we got a package that was clearly assembled from multiple packages that had ripped open in the mail. Inside was some (seemingly) random old stuff. We put it in a closet. A few weeks ago we were cleaning out that closet and realized that there was an old personal letter tucked into one of the books, and I was able to Google a name for a living descendent. I’d like to return these materials that look like family history. But how do I find an address to contact this person? I can find several possible addresses online. I know the city he lives in, and I contacted his former employer, but that was a bust (they wouldn’t give me his contact info but promised to pass on mine – he never called me back). Do I just send a letter to each of these addresses? How does one find people in an age where phone books aren’t really a thing?

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      County tax records. If he owns a house, his address will be in the county tax records.

      (ps if you’re ever stalked, create a corporation with a different name to buy the house you move to)

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you ask your local group of genealogists for help? (Or the group in XYZ location if the package contents give you any clues?) Even better if the package contents give clear signals that the family has a certain ethnic, religious, and/or geographic origin or affiliation. I know there are groups of Jewish genealogists so I’m figuring that there may also be organizations of people whose families came from Lithuania / left Germany after the 1848 revolution / belong or belonged to a particular religion etc.

      1. PostalMixup*

        I have a name already. The letter was from Mrs. Letter Writer, who referenced her husband Mr. Letter Writer, who google tells me owned a store in Nearby College Town that still exists, under the management of Mr. Great Nephew, a retired physician. I just have no phone number or address for him. Online white pages give me several out of service numbers and several possible addresses.

    3. Lurker*

      I’ve found Family Tree Now very helpful. You can search for anyone, living or dead, and it will list their current and previous addresses, family members, and associates. You also don’t need to create an account to use it. It’s generally pretty accurate and a go-to for me. Good luck!

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Facebook is very effective in finding people for a positive reason. Another idea is Spokeo or the like.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Try Facebook group ‘Genealogy: LOST and FOUND”. They’ve had some improbable successes reuniting people with photos of family ancestors.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      See if your local library has a database called Reference USA. It just changed its name to something odd, with initials DARS.

      It lets you look up all kinds of things about ppl. Everyone should look themselves up.

  29. WellRed*

    Last week I asked for advice on laying my brother to rest when there was little money to do so. We went with cremation and are doing the small service entirely on our own which is making me nervous, logistically. My question is, does anyone have tips on getting through very short remarks at the gathering when trying not to cry? I can cry after.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Oh, WellRed. Why shouldn’t you cry? The “small service” is to remember and honor your brother, and also so that your immediate loved ones can support you. People sometimes cry when they’re sad. Even if you’re doing a reading and you break down, it’s not a performance that you’ve ruined. It’s a genuine expression of how you feel.

      But, if you are very concerned about not wanting to cry when you’re speaking, I will say that the older tradition at funerals and services is that the immediate bereaved DON’T take public speaking roles. They are there to receive the support of the community.

      You have several options. You could delegate the “service leader” role to someone else (basically to corral people and act as a MC), but you can still have one speaking role so that you can express your love and talk about your brother. You and your mother could assign all the speaking roles to other people, and just be free to feel and behave however is natural at the time. Or, you could retain the role of service leader and speaker, and know that your community loves you and supports you, and that if you do cry, they will understand why.

      My sympathy and best wishes at a very hard time.

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      If it’s just a small group of close people, the logistics aren’t a big deal. Small groups are always easier to manage than large, plus it’s less of a performance with an audience and more something you are all doing together.

      About 6 months after my grandma died, we gathered again to lay her ashes to rest in the family cemetery. It was very casual (one of my brothers dug the actual hole) and my grandma’s brother did the closing remarks. They were long and rambling, with the story of an irrelevant collateral relation who was also buried there thrown in. Grandma’s brother capped it all off by producing some firecrackers from behind one of the headstones and setting them off.

      It was fine. Not touching or poignant, but we all love my great uncle and we also love my grandma. We had a good time remembering her and celebrating the family she left behind.

      So remember, no matter what happens, at least you didn’t bring firecrackers!

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      + 1 million to everything that Not a Manager said. This is real life, not a performance nor an audition. Grief is, in the beginning, not at all okay, but it is definitely okay to cry.

      Other thoughts:
      Gather a fistful of paper tissues and maybe a glass (or bottle) of water–simply having these on hand may prove sufficiently reassuring.
      Take a deep breath, do what you have to (cry or sob), and keep going.

      Sending you supportive thoughts. May you and your mother be comforted.

    4. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I’m trying to figure out if you mean you will be listening or actually speaking. Very sorry for your loss.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      When Elton John performed Candle in the Wind at Princess Di’s funeral, he sang the song over and over until he did not cry.
      You can write a short speech and read it out loud over and over until you feel you have some control over your voice tone.

      If you are not the one giving the mini-speech then don’t worry about crying. Funerals are supposed to help us get the emotions out front and process the emotions. Personally, I find that I am better once I see others at the funeral with me. The presence of others can help in unexpected ways.

    6. Merci Dee*

      We did exactly this for my mother several weeks ago. We intered her ashes at one of the national cemeteries administered by the VA, so we had to schedule a time slot, and each service is only allowed 15 minutes. Granted, you’re probably not working with such a limited time frame. But my dad, my four siblings, and I all took no more than 2 minutes to speak. So that helped to make sure we were able to get through our remarks. 2 minutes doesn’t seem like a lit of time, but it was just about perfect for getting out the essential things that mom meant to each of us.

      I’m so sorry for your loss.

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I spoke at my dad’s funeral. Had notes; practiced a lot! Told my kids if I looked straight at them, they should make a face at me (didn’t need to do this). Included in my speech some quirky and humorous anecdotes, so had a break here and there with a few chuckles from those in attendance. Anyway, it’s a funeral. I know you don’t want to cry, but don’t worry about it.

    8. The teapots are on fire*

      I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. Accept that fact that you may cry. I helped host a Zoom memorial for my ex-husband and his brother cried in the middle of his eulogy. We all just waited until he could continue. It’s part of the memorial for people to break down and grieve together. It’s part of why you’re doing this.

    9. Been there*

      My sympathies, WellRed. Warm thoughts coming your way, always.

      I second the person who mentioned that it is often someone less-close who makes remarks, because it can be so hard to choke out words when choked with grief. And that’s ok. I knew I would not be able to speak at my almost-mom’s memorial service without sobbing (though I was invited to do so), and that was ok. I wrote her obituary instead. And my best friend (her daughter) and I remember her every year with a talk, a walk on her favorite beach, or whatever. It’s ok that I didn’t speak at the memorial. And it’s ok if you decide not to also. People will understand.

      If you do want to try, have a back-up person in the wings who knows ahead of time to come and take over if you signal that you want them to do so.

    10. Insurance mom*

      Write out your planned remarks and go for it! Tears are an appropriate response to the situation. Have a backup person who can finish your remarks- just hand them your script to finish if necessary. Remember you will be among folks who feel as bereft as you are.

    11. Blue Eagle*

      At two different services in the past, a third party read the written down remarks of an immediate family member. Perhaps consider that.

  30. Worried Mom*

    Content warning: suicidal thoughts and plans, depression, hospitalization for mental illness

    My 17yo daughter almost tried to kill herself this week. She stopped herself and sought help, and is in voluntary commitment for the next 3-7 days. My inner circle and my husband’s and my bosses know some details, but how do I talk to other people about this while keeping my daughter’s privacy?

    I will need to say something in a lot of cases because I have to rearrange plans and commitments. I was thinking, “We’re dealing with some urgent family medical stuff, so I’ll have to cancel XYZ and get back to you in a week or two about rescheduling,” but I would love some ideas. I’m shell-shocked and I’ve been sleeping in an ER visitor chair for two nights so the brain cells are not highly functional.

    1. Red Sky*

      Honestly, I’d keep it more vague. “Dealing with a family emergency” is probably all I’d say and if possible I’d do it via email or text to limit questions. If someone does get nosy, a quick “Can’t talk right now” or “Don’t feel like talking about it” would hopefully cut that off.

      Thank you for protecting your daughter’s privacy and I’m sorry your family is going thru this. I hope she gets the tools and treatment she needs to feel better soon.

      2. Pennyworth*

        You can even use the need to respect an unspecified person’s privacy as a reason not to divulge any details. No decent person will push for information.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          “Not my story to share” has served me well when deflecting questions.
          My sympathy to you & yours.

    3. nep*

      So sorry you and your family are going through this. Agree w your script and others’ suggestions–vague is fine. Don’t take on any more burden than you already have, thinking you owe any further explanation. Urgent family matters. If pressed, ‘Yeah, I’m not going to go into it,’ or whatever flows.
      Peace and healing.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Definitely, on going with “I am not going to go into it”. Or you can use other statements such as:

        Takes too long to tell the story, so I don’t.
        I am not ready to talk about it now, and it maybe a while, if ever, before I can.
        I am helping someone else and it’s their story to tell not mine.
        I can’t chat now, I have to run.
        It’s a family emergency- that’s all I can say.

        Your family is in my thoughts.

    4. Courageous cat*

      You could also say your daughter is suddenly very ill (but expected to recover?), if you want to go into slightly more detail but don’t want to expose why. Because that’s very much what happened.

      1. silverpie*

        Not sure that revealing it’s medical is a good idea, because under the current circumstances, people may well assume it’s COVID, and start panicking, either on their own behalf and/or start tracing her contacts And scaring them. “Family emergency” seems about right to me.

    5. Dorian*

      You’ve gotten some good advice already. I am a mom of 2 teens and I just want to send you some mama hugs. I am so glad she is getting help and I hope you will be able to stand down while she is inpatient and take care of yourself too.

    6. AGD*

      I think the above suggestions are wonderful, but I also wanted to say this is so brutal and difficult and I’ll be thinking of you. Kudos to your daughter for asking for help, and to you for being so supportive.

    7. Venus*

      Your wording is good. It *is* a medical emergency, so you are being completely accurate and honest. Yet you can also be more vague if you wish, as people often ask for updates in future out of kindness. There are all sorts of things that come up suddenly, for example I had to miss a day of work at my new job when my furnace died and I felt badly yet everyone understood. “Household” emergency might be vague enough while sounding unavoidable?

      I’m sorry your family is going through this. Best wishes to you.

    8. Flabbernabbit*

      I have no advice, but giving you thoughts of strength, sympathy and healing for you, your daughter and your family.

    9. TX Lizard*

      I also want to add that it is okay to talk to people about this. Yes, you want to protect her privacy, but it is not just affecting her. Please make sure you and your husband find someone you can talk to about this (a therapist, trusted friend, etc.). I know you are mostly asking about it coming up with coworkers, etc, but don’t let it feel like a secret you have to bear on your own.
      You also need and deserve support.

      2. Worried Mom*

        Thank you! Luckily I had a call with my therapist which helped a ton, and my best friend knows and is supporting me. And of course my husband is all in and we’re leaning on each other. Yes, it would be impossible to get through this without several close people to cry to for sure.

    10. Bex*

      I would probably say “My family is dealing with a sudden medical emergency so I need to cancel our meeting. I’ll be back in touch when I’m back online, likely next week.”

      Even though people aren’t entitled to details, I would include “medical” because I do think people are more understanding about medical issues vs other things that may come up. And “sudden” circumvents any wondering if you could have managed your time better. “When I’m back online” underscores that you will likely be completely unavailable in the interim.

    11. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      I have a work friend who went through something similar, and she said some version of “My family has significant medical needs right now, so [work impact]. You can talk with [coworker] if you need immediate assistance and I’m away from my phone.” to almost everyone. As far as I know, everyone understood and nobody asked for more information.
      She did sit down and tell me the whole story one day after work because she said it was draining to her to feel like it was a secret and she trusted me not to tell anyone. I was happy to be that person for her.
      I guess what I’m saying is do what works for you and your family! Also remember that you don’t have to be your best and most perfect professional self right now with the most polished delivery. If you show an emotion at work or forget something or have a hard time, that is normal and okay.

    12. Worried Mom*

      First, THANK YOU to everyone, both for the practical ideas, and for the sympathetic words. I’ve been in “take the needed actions and be supportive” mode for a few days now, and honestly you guys being so nice got me crying, which is exactly what I NEED now that she’s squared away and I have room to fall apart a little.

      I think I’ll be using the “urgent family situation” and “I don’t have the energy to get into it” ideas – I hadn’t even thought of people jumping to Covid conclusions and it just feels like the vaguer the better after reading all your input.

      Again, please know that you’ve been of great concrete help and I’m really touched and helped by your kindness as well.

      She is doing OK and I talked to her hospital therapist today and was very pleased – seems like she Gets It and will be a good helper for my kid. Ultimately, I think this will help her get what she needs to heal and find happiness in life. Is it possible to be horrified and optimistic at the same time? That’s kind of where I am.

    13. LGC*

      I’m really sorry about this! I hope your daughter is doing well, and I’m glad that she’s getting the help she needs. (And that she got herself the help she needs! I’m proud of her for that!)

      I think your script is fine – you can even say that your daughter fell ill suddenly without specifying what the illness is. (Like, honestly, it’s the truth – she had a mental health crisis, mental health is health, so on and so forth.) I’m a fan of giving just enough detail to satisfy people’s curiosity, otherwise some people might wonder why you’re being so evasive.

      That said – a lot of people are nosy, and in that case, saying you’re dealing with a sudden unspecified medical emergency is better.

      Finally, in both cases, you might want to say that it’s not CORONAVIRUS just to head off that assumption.

    14. Thankful for AAM*

      I went through the exact same thing with my son, exactly the same, when he was 16.

      I told people he was having mental health issues around depression. I actively wanted to de-stigmatize mental health. To my surprise, I barely spoke to a person who did not have a close family member who had similar issues. I found comfort in being open about it.

      I found the most support, practical and emotional, from NAMI.

      I just want to send best wishes and to let you know it gets better!

    15. RagingADHD*

      Family medical emergency / I have a close family member in the hospital.

      If it’s someone you like & trust, possibly “my daughter was taken ill.”

      You can always relay the seriousness/urgency of the situation without giving details.

    16. Shattered but hopeful*

      Worried Mom – I am so sad to say this but my family is in the same situation. My daughter attempted suicide last Sunday and is currently in a Crisis Center. She will come home tomorrow and go into an intensive outpatient program. We too have been struggling with what to divulge. My daughter doesn’t want anyone to know, so we are trying to respect that.

      We’ve pretty much said nothing, just health issues – pretty much what you have been saying. We haven’t come up with a better solution. I am torn – I know we don’t owe anyone any information, but it’s also so hard to keep all this a secret and bottled up. I did tell my boss, which was a relief, and she is so so supportive of any time off I will need. I also trust her not to share the news. And when I told her, she divulged that her brother attempted suicide when he was in college. So everyone probably has experienced some sort mental health crisis in their lives. Meanwhile, I am pretty certain everyone knows something and is talking about it, as the ambulance and a couple of police cars pulled up in front of our house last week and she was loaded into the ambulance on a stretcher. I’ve been avoiding everyone in the neighborhood, not wanting to have to talk about it. I feel sort of ridiculous when I am out walking the dog and re-route myself to avoid people, but I just can’t deal with them right now. I do finally speak to my own therapist in a few hours. I also am hoping for some kind of parental support group…this is all so overwhelming. We are however thankful that our daughter is going to be ok physically and now getting the help she needs – and hopeful that this will be the start of a new and much better chapter for her.

      I am sending you a giant giant hug and lots of support your family. You are not alone.

  31. Red Sky*

    Fellow houseplant lovers, is there a houseplant specific app you like for reminders on fertilizing your babies? I’ve really been getting into plants during the pandemic and find I tend to either over-nurture or completely neglect depending on where they’re located in my house (out of sight. out of mind).

    Also, what’s your ‘money is no object’ dream houseplant? I’d sell my firstborn for a licuala orbicularis/ parasol palm (kidding! childless by choice)

    1. pancakes*

      I don’t use an app, but a YouTube plant channel I subscribe to has a caretaker tracker that looks promising — it’s called Plant One on Me / brooklynhomestead dot com. I don’t know the cost. I think there are some free ones.

      My dream houseplants are espaliered fruit and almond trees in the sort of greenhouse that even winning the lottery probably wouldn’t put within reach! And a Monty Don-type scenario outdoors, with fritillaria and ferns and an expensive moss consultant who drops by now and then. The only realism in any of this is me knowing I’d need help.

    2. university minion*

      This won’t work if you live somewhere that’s cold much of the year, but I keep all my plants in 2 places in my yard – one with more sun, one with a bit less. I rotate them inside for a few weeks when one is doing something interesting. With them all together, it’s easy to care for them and stay on top of fertilizer, water, etc. They get brought into the garage or covered if the night will get close to freezing.

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      I was unable to remember to look after plants until I installed the Vera app. It lets you set up a profile for each plant and set a reminder schedule for watering and fertilising. I needed it for watering for the first month or so, until I got in the habit of watering. Fertilising is trickier, since it’s a monthly thing, so Vera is perfect.

      I want a nice, tall, indoor tree. Aldi is meant to have yucca trees on sale today, so I hope to be able to make this dream come true.

      1. BabyCarrot*

        Thanks for the app recommandation! I have a tendancy to over water because I water my plants every week but for some of them it might be too much!

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          Oh for sure. For a lot of plants, especially drought-tolerant plants like yucca, root rot is more of a problem than under watering.

          Couple of things you can do – make sure your pots are well-draining. I like to put a bunch of rocks in the bottoms of my pots, which helps extra water drain out. Also, when you go to water, stick a finger into the dirt and see if there’s moisture down a few inches. If there is, for a lot of plants, you can delay watering for a few more days.

    4. Dancing Otter*

      I just put “water plants” in my Reminders app on a weekly repeat, and “plant food” with a monthly repeat. No special app needed.

      Years ago, I had what the craft store called “Swedish ivy”. I have no idea what the Latin name was, and I’ve never found it again. The leaves weren’t as pointy as English ivy, and were crinkly. If anyone recognizes this, can you tell me it’s proper name?

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My money is no object dream plant involves the planter. My grandmother had a gardenia in a Roseville planter. Mom inherited it and kept it alive another 15 years before the plant died. Knowing her she threw out the pot because it had a crack….unfortunately the planter is collectible, now over $100 on ebay.

  32. Daffodil*

    Tl;dr: I had a consultation with my GP in which I didn’t like the way he spoke to me. How can I trust him again?

    I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was a teenager and I’ve been going to this GP for close to 8 years now. Although I have not lost much weight, my other health indicators are on the good side of normal. He’s been instrumental in this process. However, he can sometimes be strict and gruff.

    A few months back, I put on a bit of weight due to a combination of factors that primarily includes a 60+ hour/week job. He told me off for this and insisted I would have to follow his guidelines – “you have to do it, you’ve put on weight”. I really didn’t like the way he spoke to me and now I dread going to him, to the extent that I start crying when I think about going back to him. I feel like he doesn’t understand or respect my constraints (he has mentioned before that I should prioritise exercise over studying for exams and it doesn’t matter if I fail. Which is easy to say when you’re not the one writing the exam). But he knows my medical history, his clinic is located at a convenient distance from my house, and it’s difficult to find a new doctor right now because *gestures at everything*. Also a factor is that his fees are affordable (I am not in the US, if it matters).

    So, any advice as to how to navigate this situation? I’ve had my mom play mediator (she has actively been involved in my diagnosis and subsequent treatment) and stick up for me, but I can’t help feeling despair any time I think of having to visit him. I’ve been avoiding certain foods out of fear of what he will say if I put on any more weight. How can I bring myself to not stress out at the thought of a medical checkup, assuming that changing doctors is not an option right now? Thank you for any and all thoughts.

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Is there any other doctor in his practice?
      Can you have your mom call and ask for a nurse to be in the room during the exam and discussion? Sometimes people get less bad with witnesses.

      Is there anything he could do / say to make you feel less afraid? If yes, write him a letter telling him what you told us and ask him for a change: his lecture made you sad and anxious as you try to balance your competing priorities, and you are asking if he could X and Y, so that you feel supported and respected, which will make it easier for you to focus on your health priority.

      Also, any chance of teletherapy? An EAP at work? (Employee Assistance Program) Just a couple of sessions asking for specific advice on how to talk to the dr might make you feel more in control.

    2. SunnySideUp*

      “But he knows my medical history, his clinic is located at a convenient distance from my house, and it’s difficult to find a new doctor right now because *gestures at everything*.”

      Those are roadblocks you’re putting up because, well, it can be a lot of work to find a new dr. But please, please, DO NOT go back to him. You feel actual despair at the thought of seeing him. Please, OWN YOUR AGENCY. Ask your mom, who clearly is on your side, to help you find a different doctor. NO ONE is allowed to make you feel bad about yourself!

      Wishing you a good outcome.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Adding, I am not sure how much they teach docs about food and nutrition. I went to one doc who told me food has nothing to do with health. I found another doc. You may find it supportive to go to someone such as a nutritionist to talk about what foods to eat and get suggestions on new foods to try. A good nutritionist can also suggest ways of preparing the food so it is appealing.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I told my rheumatologist I wanted a referral to an endocrinologist because I don’t lose weight even when I exercise daily and eat 1,200 calories/day. He told me if I can’t lose weight at 1,200, then I should cut down to 600. I mean–isn’t that pretty irresponsible? Maybe if it was a medically supervised diet for a week or so to “jumpstart” things, it would be okay. But to just eat 600 calories per day with no end in sight? First of all, I know for a fact I actually lose more weight when I eat more. I was doing a high-protein diet for a while and felt fantastic (losing 11 lb. in less than two weeks); the only problem is I have kidney disease and it wasn’t good for my kidney function, so I had to stop. Second of all, I used to be underweight until I took HGH injections for a pituitary growth hormone deficiency (not the shady HGH; legal HGH injections prescribed by an endocrinologist). The purpose was to gain some height, but I grew a couple inches vertically and a lot of inches horizontally. I think I should be seen by an endocrinologist if I am continuing to have weight issues.

          1. Zooey*

            That’s WILDLY irresponsible and you should definitely seek further advice. No idea about the right referral but telling someone to restrict their calories to 600 outside a medically supervised setting is unbelievably irresponsible.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Even within a medically supervised setting, it’s going to have long-term repercussions. See the Minnesota Starvation Experiment.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            This is what I have seen happen to diabetics. If their blood sugar does not go down in a specific time frame then the doc lowers their calorie count even more. My MIL went down to 600 calories a day also. It seemed insane to me. If I ate just an apple for lunch I would keel over before 4 pm. Nutso stuff.

            Lots of things block weight loss. My big surprise was how much allergies can interfere weight loss. I started reducing common allergens in my home and diet and my weight loss resumed. Lack of sleep can also interfere with weight loss. Just my opinion, but I think docs could look more at the whole picture instead of blaming the patient.

      2. Reba*

        Yes, Daffodil I know this is going against your stated question, and I understand it feels like it will be too hard. (I’m long overdue for certain medical visits myself.)

        But it seems clear that going back to this doctor will be worse than whatever hurdles there are to getting a new one.

        You don’t deserve this treatment.

        In the meantime, some people on this forum have reported success with tactics like declining to be weighed as part of vital signs checking, and setting a boundary with the doc like “I’m here to talk about issue X, I will not be discussing weight with you today.”

    3. AGD*

      I’d also find someone new. Medical secretaries are used to transferring records, and it’s worth going out of your way to find someone who doesn’t shame you for the shape of your body. Everyone deserves medical care that is compassionate, science-based, and kind; this sounds mean-spirited, arrogant, and bigoted.

    4. CJM*

      I hope you’ll find someone else. You no longer trust him to treat you well, and having trust in your doctor is critical as you mind your health. Find someone who values your well-being in all areas: physical, mental, and emotional.

      1. CJM*

        I should add that I speak from experience. I switched doctors about 15 years ago because I lost trust in my doctor, and I’ve never once regretted making the change. It’s a long story as to why, and I’ll spare you the details. But I firmly believe that a positive connection and trust are essential for good health care.

    5. lapgiraffe*

      Find a new doc, it’s so so so so worth it. I am in the same boat you’re in and had a doctor berate me, tell me that I’m lying, and even get mad at me when I did lose weight because he was proven wrong. Getting him out of my life made not only a huge difference on my mental health but also on my physical. Weight loss is so challenging with PCOS, the last thing you need is someone who is supposed to be in your corner discouraging you!

      Also, gonna give a shout out to Whole30, it’s the first and only plan that I’ve been able to use as a true lifestyle change (though the forums are not great and some people go crazy on it, just do it yourself or better yet, enlist a friend, use the book as a resource, and stay away from the obsessives on instagram). I don’t live it strictly, but it informs so much of my meal planning now and it was really helpful to see how different food groups affect me.

      I would also recommend Black Girls Guide to Weigh Loss, both the resources on the blog but also the instagram (particularly stories, she does great Q&A). The woman who runs it has the most level-headed advice and science backed philosophies, and she promotes a very “be kind to yourself” atmosphere while still pushing people to their best. In essence, I’ve found these two things to be helpful in empowering myself and being gentler with myself.

    6. Kiwi with laser beams*

      I had a specialist who was bad about weight (he prescribed weight loss that was too fast and when I got a second opinion from a dietitian, the dietitian confirmed that it wasn’t healthy). I had been dreading going back to him and having to loop in my dietitian to say “no, really, weight loss doesn’t work that way” and then not long after that, I reached the top of the waiting list in my country’s public system and was given a better specialist that way. My current specialist isn’t near where I live at all, but even if the dud doctor was walking distance from my place, I’d still go to my better specialist.

      So if it was me, I’d figure out which of those points I could compromise on (affordable but further away, for example). As for knowing your medical history, I’ve been to about four specialists since my illness was detected, and have been to four GPs in the last few years due to moving a lot. They’re used to getting up to speed on new patients. Telling you to jeopardise your future in order to lose weight is INCREDIBLY fucked up and I would see that as a major argument in favour of starting to look for someone new, even if it takes a while due to covid.

    7. PollyQ*

      Nth-ing the advice to find a new doctor. I had a doctor who once took the opportunity to lecture me about my weight while I was there for an incredibly painful ear infection. I would’ve walked out, except I really, really needed that antibiotic prescription. That was the last time I ever saw him.

      Your medical records can be easily transferred to a new doctor, and another doctor at his clinic may have an opening right now.

      The way not to stress about seeing a doctor is to find a doctor that doesn’t stress you out.

    8. juneybug*

      Please use your energy to find a new doctor than worry about the next visit. So many times I wasted my energy worrying about something than actually changing the situation. Now that I am older and little wiser, I take short time to get upset/mad/anxious about the situation, then I start a new plan.
      1. Ask your mom for advice or assistance. It sounds like she’s been a great ally so use her skills to help you.
      2. Call the doctor’s office for advice on switching doctors.
      3. Call your insurance for advice on switching doctors.

      If you can not switch, practice saying or doing the following –
      I am doing the best I can do and would appreciate your support.
      Could I see a nutritionist since avoiding food or trying to exercise with 60 hour work weeks is not working?
      When he says anything negative, look him in the eye and tell him that is not helpful.
      Ouch – that was harsh! Did you mean to say that in that tone?

      You got this! You have dealt with a serious health condition so it’s obvious you are a strong person.

  33. Be the Change*

    Oh, Worried Mom, so sorry. Sending waves of support your way.

    Your script sounds perfect. If someone presses, then, “it’s not something I want to talk about, but I appreciate your concern and good thoughts, thanks bye.”

  34. Sherlock*

    I have a low stakes mystery question.

    I previously had a white bath towel, but replaced it with a dark emerald one recently. I washed it before using it and it was fine, but when I washed it a second time it suddenly had a bunch of bleached spots in one area.

    My towel hangs on a rack with my roommates’ towels. Roommate 1 uses a benzoyl peroxide face wash and ointment, but insists they didn’t touch my towel. Roommate 2 uses doesn’t use anything suspicious, and also says they didn’t touch it.

    Does anyone have any ideas of what else could have bleached it? I’m not going to buy a new towel now, but I’d like to prevent more bleaching.

    Things I use: Face sunscreen. Shaving cream. Body wash. Face and body lotions. Salicylic acid lotion. Saline contact rinse. I’m stumped. I don’t think any of this stuff would bleach if I accidentally got them on the towel (and I’m not sure how I would, since the towel is for drying my clean face/hands/body). The only thing I know I get on the towel is the contact solution (I wash my hands, handle the contacts, then blot my hands on my towel).

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Any chance someone had used bleach in the laundry right before you washed your towel? (You said the bleach spots showed up suddenly after a wash, and I’m not sure how literally you mean that, is why I’m asking.)

      1. Sherlock*

        No bleach in the house. Some spots on the towel lost their dark emerald color (the spots are almost like a pinkish color), which I assume is what bleach does.

        1. Sue Smith*

          My daughter used benzoyl peroxide and had deep blue towels. The spots that developed on her towels were pink, and they showed up after washing.
          I don’t see anything else on your list that I would suspect in the bleaching. I looked up sunscreen, but that’s said to cause orange/yellow stains.

          1. Sherlock*

            That’s interesting!!! I just assumed anything that had a bleaching/discoloring affect would look the same. If benzoyl peroxide leaves pink spots, then Roommate 1 is looking increasingly suspicious.

            1. All the cats 4 me*

              Just to clarify, benzyl peroxide doesn’t leave pink spots per se; it oxidizes the dye in the cloth – so the color is “lost”. The color remaining depends on the dye, how much oxidizer was in contact with it and likely the textile (cotton vs poly/cotton, for example).

              Note that some bathroom cleaning products will also oxidize textile dyes – even if they don’t explicitly say they contain bleach, because they often are quite alkaline.

              If the spots on your towel look like a spray pattern or spray drift, that could be the source.

              Benzyl peroxide is usually a gel, so it would depend on what the faded spots look like (finger wipes, or large areas). I am not familiar with a b.p. wash product, but possibly there was some accidental splash to your towel?

              I think you can be fairly certain, as there is no bleach in the house, that either b.p. or cleaning products are the cause of the color loss.

        2. Artemesia*

          Your roommates stuff got on your towel. They didn’t purposefully do it and so don’t own it but that is how it happened if you aren’t using bleaching products and they are.

          1. Esmeralda*

            Agreed. Especially if it is spots and not a largish blob or smear. Stuff gets sprayed, it gets on other people’s towels and clothes.

            Also, even if your face/hands are clean, you could have missed a small spot which then got on the towel.

          2. Pennyworth*

            If it is spots in one area your roommate could have touched your towel with bleachy fingertips, especially if your towel hangs close to hers.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If someone had been using bleach in the washer prior, I would expect the fading to be more even.

      Honestly, I think your roommate is fibbing to you. That’s too bad, but I’d consider the mystery solved and stop leaving your towels in the bathroom if you don’t want other people touching them.

      1. Sherlock*

        I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt since I have no idea why they would grab my towel when they don’t need to move it or anything, but, yeah, I can’t figure out what else it could have been. Too late to save the towel. Hopefully I’ll be living somewhere else by the time I need a new one.

        1. The Spinning Arrow*

          Is it possible that they washed their face using their benzoyl peroxide wash, reached for their towel, and accidentally grabbed yours first? Or, if they rinse their face in a way that splashes a ton it’s possible the face wash splashing onto your towel could have bleached it. (Are there just a few big bleach spots or a lot of little spots?)

          It’s also entirely possible they used your towel, didn’t realize just how much the face wash would bleach it, and are now lying to cover it up, but only you can say which of those options is more likely to be true of your roommate. Either way, I’m sorry your towel got bleached. I had to use some benzoyl peroxide products when I was younger, and I know how much they wreck everything they touch. (RIP to my favorite pillowcase from that time…)

          1. Sherlock*

            It’s a couple smaller spots. I guess I’d say they’re between a dime and a quarter in size (which is kind of finger print size).

            If you’re at the sink, the towel rack is a few feet behind you, so it is possible they washed their face and then groped behind them and accidentally grabbed mine.

            Sorry about your favorite pillowcase. :(

            1. valentine*

              If your roommates aren’t fastidious about not sharing towels/clothing/footwear, they may (even accidentally) use your stuff and not want to quarrel about it.

              Experiment time: Put a few drops of each suspect substance on the towel and see what happens. It doesn’t mean that’s what happened before, but you’ll have a better idea. Your choices are to go back to white or keep it out of common areas.

    3. Anono-me*

      Some laundry detergents will bleach some fabric if applied directly to it. It’s easy to splash detergent onto still dry fabric when adding everything into the wash.

      I always make sure that my laundry detergent is added to the washer, then turn the water, then add the clothes, specifically to avoid this risk.

      1. Sherlock*

        I load everything in the washer, close the door, then put the detergent in a little drawer, and then turn it on, so no splashing from me either.

        Good to know that laundry detergents can bleach fabric if applied directly to it though. I don’t have separate stain remover, so if I get something on a shirt I was just putting some detergent on the stain with a little water and rubbing it in. Will make sure the shirt is soaked next time and use less detergent.

    4. Kathenus*

      I had something somewhat similar happen to me. Although the context was different, it was mysterious bleach spots on something. Pretty sure after some thought that the culprit was related to using sanitizing spray or wipes that have bleach in them and a few stray drops hit the item. Could have been from something like that or maybe there was a stray bit of bleach from a sanitizing cleaner or wipe that accidentally hit the towel.

      1. Kathenus*

        Meant that last sentence to say a stray bit of bleach from one of these on someone’s hand that hit the towel.

      2. Sherlock*

        I checked our sanitizing wipes (I get the generic brand from Target). Didn’t see bleach mentioned anywhere. Good suggestion though!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I just saw a product in the grocery store that claims it helps with garments where the colors ran- perhaps a product like this would undo some of the damage that has been done.

      1. Artemesia*

        Alas dye removers which remove dye quite well sometimes — once saved my favorite pair of jeans which had turned puce as a result of an errant sock — do not solve a bleaching problem. There isn’t something to remove — it has already removed the color.

        I did this to favorite jeans one when I wore them while cleaning and a little of the cleaning stuff with bleach got on them and I had pink spots on black jeans. The only fix was procion dye which is a pain to use, but if you have a yard and can do this outside, will restore black (or presumably other colors) to like new. I wouldn’t do it indoors as it is both toxic and a very effective dye.

        For a towel — well you know now that your towels are not going to be untouched or unused by your roommates so if you are squicked out by that, keep them in your room. Bummer.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          In-a-pinch repair trick for the black jeans: Sharpie. Tandy Leather told me it’s the same chemical in their leather dye. (I only needed a tiny bit for a craft project.)
          Come to think of it, there’s a chance of finding a dark green permanent marker too, worse thing that happens, you have it for labeling boxes at a future move.

    6. mreasy*

      All of my dark colored towels end up with mystery bleached spots and I don’t use any products that I think would cause it! (Nothing with benzoyl peroxide at all.) I have just accepted it as a dark colored towel thing and try to hang them up without the spots showing. This is not science-based though.

      1. pancakes*

        Could be poor quality control during the manufacturing process that leaves them not as colorfast as they’re meant to be.

      2. Chaordic One*

        Yes, many toothpastes have peroxide in them and that can cause bleach-like stains where the color is removed from towels or clothes if you get it on yourself.

    8. Jay*

      Have you, or any of your roomates, by any chance, recently switched toothpastes or any other oral hygiene products?
      Certain whitening toothpastes, mouthwashes, and whitening strips can bleach out some fabrics.
      Also, my second week in collage, I had nearly every single article of clothing I owned ruined because of something someone else spilled on the communal laundry folding table. If you touched something that your roommate touched, then touched your towel, or just put your towel down on something your roommate touched or dripped on, it might just transfer enough product second hand to do it, too.

      1. Artemesia*

        I learned to wash the counter before folding clothes the hard way too. You also need to make sure there isn’t bleach sloshed around on tops of machines or in machines in communal laundry rooms.

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      Whitening toothpaste will also bleach your towels. The tiniest bit of residue will do it. When my spouse switched toothpaste brands, every single one of my plum colored towels ended with pink spots from him wiping his “clean, just wet” hands and face.

    10. fposte*

      In addition to the suggestions already up there, do towels hang in the bathtub or near any surfaces that get cleaned? They might be picking up spray or splash from that.

    11. lapgiraffe*

      I hate to say it but the roommate is the culprit. Yes there are other things that are *possible* but that’s like saying zebras when you hear horses. I lived with a friend for a decade who used a BP wash and cream, and that is such a tell-tale stain/discoloration, 10 times out of 10 that was the cause. Unless you have bleach cleaning products then it’s the BP. It’s not to say that the roommate didn’t realize they were using the towel, accidentally grabbed it, or it’s such a mundane activity that they not even remember using it. I’d buy white towels moving forward while living with this one, it really sucks and your roomie should respect you/have boundaries, but policing her towel use would be incredibly difficult. Maybe install a drying rack or hook on the back of your bedroom door to keep it away from them?

    13. Lindsay*

      It’s definitely the benzoyl peroxide. I used it on my acne as a teen and I stained so many towels that way…it turns it kind of orange usually.

    14. RagingADHD*

      You mention these areas are spots between a dime or quarter size. That’s not grabbing or wiping. Nobody grabs a towel with wet hands and uses only their fingertips to touch it. If the spots are from hands or face being wiped, they will be streaks or larger smudges.

      Small spots with defined edges sound like droplets. Perhaps from a splash, or perhaps from squirting something out of a bottle that splutters.

      It might be your roommate’s product, but they probably never saw it and don’t even know it happened.

    15. Worked in IT forever*

      Toilet bowl cleaner, if spattered a bit, will leave bleach spots. Like on the pants you’re wearing while cleaning the toilet. Ask me how I know.

      My husband got bleach spots on a jacket while using a household cleaner on something outside.

      1. Jay*

        Oh, yeah, I hear you!
        Ever since ruining a decent pair of jeans doing something like that, I have a rule that all household cleaning is done in ratty shorts/sweats and tee shirts.

    16. two left feet*

      I’d also guess the roommate’s bp cleanser, but maybe a different way. If roommie rubs it on their face, then turns on/off the tap with their hands. If some got on the tap handle, then you touch the taps to turn on …. then off… then some bp got transferred to your fingers when you turned off the tap. Then you wipe on your towel. So, roommie didn’t use your towel, but bp got their anyway.

  35. Annie Oakley*

    Facial Skin Care help-

    I’ve been struggling with not-so-clear skin since my son (18 mo) was born (and maybe before, it’s hard to remember!). I’m hesitant to call it acne, as there is no redness/inflamed areas/obvious whiteheads.

    The issue areas are primarily my chin/jaw and under the eyes/alongside the nose. On my chin, I get small bumps that can be felt and I can see in the mirror. These can be squeezed to ‘pop’ like a pimple but just keep coming back. They do not look like a typical pimple and never painful. The area under my eyes is more like clogged pores…I can see the gunk, but washing alone doesn’t really cleanse it out.

    My husband says he thinks my face looks fine (and unless you were standing within kissing distance, you probably would too) but I miss my clear smooth skin and would love to hear recommendations from anyone with experience in similar issues!

    1. Holly the spa pro*

      hello! Licensed esthetician/massage therapist here. The areas you are describing and the fact that you saw most of the changes when you were pregnant or post natal, it may be hormonally related. If facials are an option for you, its really worthwhile to have someone who can really feel and look at your skin and make recommendations for treatments or products for homecare.
      I get those little white bumps on my chin as well and ive found that a light lactic serum has worked for me, it doesnt completely get rid of them but reduces and takes down the texture. (I use the mangosteen resurfacing serum from Eminence)

      Idk if you have food sensitivities at all that can also contribute to the things you are describing as a sort of inflammatory response. Sorry for the novel, hope that helps.

      1. Annie Oakley*

        Thank you! I apologize for being completely clueless…but for a facial would I be looking for a spa type place?

    2. Ryan Howard’s White Suit*

      I had an issue like that when my son stopped nursing. My hormones went nuts and I had painful cystic acne along my jaw. I started using oil to clean my face and it cleared everything up and I still use it (8 years later) with very good results. You can google combinations for different skin types, but the basic formula is an amount of castor oil mixed with an amount of regular oil. I have drier skin, so I use half castor oil and half avocado oil. Mix the two together and keep in a jar. When I go to wash my face at night I remove my eye makeup then take about a tsp of the mixture and rub it on my face, then take a washcloth put in the warmest water I can get and put it to my face for 10 seconds. Since I need it, after patting my face dry I apply a night cream, but if your face is not as dry you may not need anything on top of it.

      Good luck!

      1. Annie Oakley*

        Interesting! I would have thought that using oil seems would make things worse!

        It definitely could be due to hormones from weaning…I weaned him 5 months ago but haven’t quite dried up completely yet.

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My pimples are directly related to my hormone stuff, amongst a few other things. If you’ve been nursing that would be my first guess. Also: my hormone levels took a good long while to not be wonky after pregnancy, which might also be true for weaning. And having a child changed my stress levels and sleep levels, too, all of which might play a role. Unfortunately I don’t have great advice for getting rid of them.

    4. Parenthetically*

      I double cleanse using a (clean every day) baby washcloth — rosehip oil followed by charcoal soap. Then an AHA, a hyalauronic acid serum, and my SPF day moisturizer in the morning or my tea tree night cream before bed! When I’m consistent with this, my skin is smooth and the chin/nose bumps are seriously diminished.

  36. Finger Sucking*

    Tips on helping a 3 yr old to stop sucking their fingers (only sucks at nap and nighttime)? Dentist wants them to stop ASAP as they’re teeth don’t close in the front and they have a cross bite which make chewing food more challenging. They are not old enough to understand/care that sucking their fingers is bad for them.

    I have been having them wear a glove to remind them not to suck, but they take it off after awhile. Has anyone used the icky nail polish with fingers? Not sure if it would work since the nails aren’t on the tongue. Any other suggestions?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      With the caveat that I don’t have kids and don’t know anything about kids and this is a total stab in the dark – masking tape to secure the gloves to long sleeves? I feel like I have read about someone who put tape over the fastening on a piece of clothing to keep a kid (who either was too young or otherwise didn’t have the faculties to understand why we keep our clothing on) from unfastening it. And I obviously am not recommending taping anything to kid skin!

      Similar vein – make a “nap shirt” by sewing mittens onto sleeves, and then kinda make a game out of it, part of the nap time routine? I think I’ve seen shirts with built in mittens for infants, at least, but I don’t know if they come in toddler sizes.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Does s/he have a stuff animal or other comforting thing to sleep with? This almost sounds like a self-comforting thing.

    4. Natalie*

      I might actually get a second opinion. Generally the ADA and pediatric dentists aren’t concerned with thumb/finger sucking at this age. The simple existence of bite issues doesn’t mean sucking is the cause. There’s also a pretty good chance they’ll stop on their own in the next year, so it might be worth having a talk with a dentist about that possibility. YMMV but I would want my children’s dentist to have a solid understanding of normal children’s behavior and fairly realistic expectations. There are enough people with dental anxiety in the world already.

      If you’re bound and determined to break them of the habit, I think you’ll have more luck helping them develop a replacement. Sucking is a self-soothing mechanism, it’s not going to work very well to just expect them to not need self-soothing anymore. Maybe something they can fidget with their fingers would work? Both my brother and I liked the silky edges on blankets, for example.

    5. Oliver Boliver Butt*

      We’ve had great success with the T-Guard for finger sucking on one kid and thumb sucking on another.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I wouldn’t go full punitive by depriving such a young child of a self-soothing mechanism. You can look into an alternative rather than just doing something to the fingers. They make necklaces for children to suck on that might have less effect on the teeth.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        In particular, look for sensory or stim necklaces made for kids or adults with autism. Not saying your child has autism but they are designed to meet oral self soothing needs so might work for your child.

    7. Esmeralda*

      They will not continue to suck their fingers forever.
      The baby teeth will eventually fall out.

      Please don’t put gross stuff on their fingers. My mom did that because I was a nail biter. I still bit my nails but it was gross, made me gag, and made me very sad. (My mom says she stopped when she saw my biting my nails, gagging, crying — and then sticking my finger back in my mouth to bite my nail.)

      1. brushandfloss*

        Some people continue thumb sucking to adulthood. Also the child could shed their primary teeth as young as 4-5 if they’re still sucking their thumb it can cause an openbite/cross-bite or overjet with their permanent teeth and require extensive orthodontia to correct.

        1. Natalie*

          So what? Both of those are pretty extreme outliers, and neither of them have happened yet. They’re certainly not a good reason to start forcing a 3yo to abandon totally developmentally normal 3yo behavior.

          1. brushandfloss*

            They are not outliers. And the habit is already causing problems and can lead to expensive and extensive treatment. Its easier and cheaper to prevent issues that to correct them. So unless you’re planning on paying for this treatment, let’s assume that the OP/dentist know what they’re talking about.

  37. Come On Eileen*

    I’ve been sweating at night, and it appears to be a known side effect of Lexapro (and many anti-depressants). I started taking Lexapro in January and it’s really helping my mental health, so I don’t want to stop, so I’m looking for ways to address the sweating (if there are any). It’s weird because I’m not hot at night at all. I wear very light PJs or none at all, have a light blanket, and keep the house cool or windows open. So I don’t think I need suggestions for how to keep cool. I’m also 46 and suspected it could be a perimenopause symptom, but when I stopped the meds for about a month the sweating stopped (and my mental health took a nosedive). So far my only solution has been to try Lume deodorant, which is billed as a deodorant for not just armpits but any part of your body that sweats and smells. I wouldn’t mind the sweat if I didn’t wake up smelly, but the smelly part is what bothers me. OK so – any ideas, or have any of you experienced this with antidepressants?

    1. Courageous cat*

      I have experienced this with Prozac, and it has always gone away over time. Additionally I have never smelled, just sweat a lot. Are your sheets very breathable? I have 100% linen sheets and that helps with regular sweat. Alternatively 100% cotton. Just make sure you’re not using any synthetic fibers. Do you shower before bed? That probably helps too.

      1. Come On Eileen*

        thank you! I have two favorite sets of sheets, one is bamboo and the other is probably cotton? Honestly not sure, I’ve had them forever. I generally don’t shower before bed but might start, as it sounds like that would help, plus its a nice calming ritual before bedtime. Thank you!

    2. A313*

      Interesting! I am on Effexor/venlafexine *for* my hot flashes. And it works. Maybe try a different antidepressant?

    3. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I had this problem with sertraline (which I think is Zoloft?) and eventually I had to stop taking it because of this plus some other side effects. I have heard that sage tablets are supposed to help with excess sweating. I did try them at the time but I got fed up and tapered off my antidepressant at around the same time so I’m not sure how effective it was.

    4. curly sue*

      I had this with Trintellix, and it was awful – any benefits I saw from the antidepressant were totally negated by waking up three times a night in pools of sweat. It never went away, unfortunately, and I switched back to Wellbutrin.

    5. No Tribble At All*

      Having a fan going over your face? There’s also bed fans which go under your sheets– they’re expensive, but in an earlier open thread people were raving about them. bedfans-usa dot com.

      1. Come On Eileen*

        I looked into those bed fans a few weeks ago when they were mentioned here! Such a neat idea. I’m not sure it would help because, like I said, it doesn’t seem like I’m sweating because I’m hot.

    6. lapgiraffe*

      I used to sweat buckets on lexapro, honestly it was awful and my doc was always perplexed, told me “wasn’t a typical side effect” but it started within days of my starting the Rx, and when I eventually weaned off I was no longer the swampy sweat monster.

      I’d try a different SSRI, I wish I had sooner and not endured the sweats for as long as I did. I think lexapro helps a lot of people and very quickly, which is why docs are so quick to go to that drug, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t another one that can give you the same benefits without as many (or any!) side effects. Your quality of life matters, and the quality of your sleep matters as well!

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        Yes this! I had different bad side effects from Lexapro and I was hesitant to switch because it was so effective for my anxiety. Turns out Wellbutrin also worked well for me and didn’t give me side effects.

        1. Come On Eileen*

          Thank you both, I might talk with my doc about this. I have both anxiety and depression, and they tend to fluctuate in terms of which one is more active at any given time. Lexapro was billed as treating both and it really does help with both, which is why I’ve been hesitant to switch. I’ll think about it though, and chat with my doc.

        2. Come On Eileen*

          I keep hearing that Wellbutrin is good for depression but for many people can make anxiety worse. It sounds like that’s not been the case for you?

          1. Janet Pinkerton*

            It does not make my anxiety worse, no. I actually was on it for anxiety originally, then when I got depressed as well they doubled my dose and now it treats both. But I know friends for whom it worsens their anxiety. Isn’t mental health so fun?

          2. lapgiraffe*

            Just in case you have alerts or are coming back to check this late in the game, I also switched to Wellbutrin and have been very happy with it. For me general depression is more my issue with anxiety kicking up more situationally. I needed something to help push me past malaise and disconnected foggy brain-ness, and it really helped on that front.

            I’ll be honest that the lexapro felt stronger/was better at softening the edges of life. I even joke that a major friend breakup happened because post lexapro I just couldn’t deal with her crap anymore. There was an emotional dampening on lexapro that I don’t get on Wellbutrin (which is why I think it’s so good for anxiety) but I’m 1) not sweating unless it’s a normal sweating situation 2) much better on the depression/life engagement front 3) able to feel a wider range of emotions but not in an overwhelming way.

    7. Lemon curdle*

      I have sweating – not at night, but like you as a possible side effect of a med I’ve found useful – and I actually have another med that stops it.

      All meds can have side effects so it’s not crazy if you end up with another – if this one works for you it may be worth considering.

      Definitely see your doctor – night sweats should really be checked out.

  38. The Original K.*

    My father passed away very recently (not COVID-related).

    He was not a big fan of organized religion, so whatever we do for his memorial (which will be virtual; we may do something in person when the COVID risk has abated) should leave that out. He didn’t belong to a church anymore and hadn’t for ages. Do any of you have any suggestions for things to read at a memorial that aren’t religious? Poems, maybe? I’ve found a few poems but would welcome some more suggestions.

    And have any of you attended virtual memorials that you thought were well-done? Again, there won’t be any religion involved with this one. Thank you.

    2. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      Sorry for your loss.

      A secular group I loosely belong to (which at least at some point, functioned as a support group for non-religious people/people who have just left religion) has been doing celebrations of life. I’ve been to two of those in the group. People basically take turns sharing their good memories of the deceased, with those closest to the deceased doing most of the talking (since they knew the person the most). Also, not sure if this will apply, but just throwing this out in case other ideas may be spun off of it – after my sons, my mom, and I came home from my dad’s funeral (dad practiced some Judaism, but wanted a non-religious funeral, the rest of us are Atheist), mom pulled out a package she’d brought, full of dad’s memorabilia like college transcripts, patents he’d gotten at work… passed each around and talked about it. She brought some photos of dad in his younger years, too. That turned out really well.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Coming here to compliment your suggestions and your mom’s idea! All better than mine, because your comment comes from lived (not theoretical) experience. Sharing your dad’s memorabilia allowed everyone to recollect their time with him. The main part of a funeral ought to be remembering the person who died and how they impacted the world and will be remembered. Religion is just a framework to help people know what to do at a stressful time.

      2. Sparrow*

        We did something similar when my grandfather died- a memorial just for family where we all sat in the living room, and everyone said spoke a short bit about their memories of him (8 grandchildren, 4 children, 3 children-in-law, my grandmother). My aunts also played the piano and sang some of his favorite songs, and read a short section from one of his favorite (non-religious) books. Our was small and pre-coivd, but you could easily Zoom other loved ones in.

        1. Ginger Sheep*

          Thank you for this text. It made me sob and it warmed my heart ; my grandfather, who worked in chemistry, is currently dying in the hospital and I now know what I am going to say at his funeral.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      Quotations from people your father admired?
      Poetry is very personal but in addition to ones that discuss life and death you might find ones that discuss the passage of time, or human connections, or parent-child connections, or any interest or other aspect of your father that you want to remember.
      Are there lines from theater, film, or anything else that you find/your dad found meaningful?
      The Unitarians, Ethical Society, or various Humanist organizations may have texts online that approach life-cycle events with concern for the human impact and little or no reference to any deity. (No disrespect intended to any of these groups.) *Not* trying to sneak in religion here–just trying to help you find something. Maybe you could modify a religious text (edit out any references to deity or shared beliefs) and identify it as “adapted from ….?”.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      My grandmother was anti-religion, so while we had a rabbi, he took that into account during the service. He quoted some Leonard Cohen songs and that was perfect. So remember that lyrics are poetry too– if there’s a meaningful song that reminds you of him, you can play it or read the lyrics.

    5. Bibliovore*

      I was at an on-line funeral this week and this poem was read.
      Each of us has a name
      given by God
      and given by our parents

      Each of us has a name
      given by our stature and our smile
      and given by what we wear

      Each of us has a name
      given by the mountains
      and given by our walls

      Each of us has a name
      given by the stars
      and given by our neighbors

      Each of us has a name
      given by our sins
      and given by our longing

      Each of us has a name
      given by our enemies
      and given by our love

      Each of us has a name
      given by our celebrations
      and given by our work

      Each of us has a name
      given by the seasons
      and given by our blindness

      Each of us has a name
      given by the sea
      and given by
      our death.
      Zelda
      (Ukraine, 1914–1984)

      1. Bibliovore*

        oh and I organized an on-line zoom celebration of life for my friend who died during these times. I emailed her friends and family who provided me with pictures of her from the time she was a college student to more recent occasions. I created a slide show to share with a song I knew she liked. We asked if people wanted to share to put it in the chat function and I would then they could unmute. I emailed a few people first so that in the beginning we would have people lined up.

    6. Elf*

      I very strongly recommend the song “To My Old Brown Earth” by Pete Seeger. It is the most beautiful (and atheist) death song I have ever heard, and Pete wrote it specifically because he wanted something to sing at funerals that actually expressed what he wanted to say.

      Another beautiful, nonreligious poem is “Elegy Before Death” by Edna St. Vincent Millay (I’m less certain that will feel right to you, but I love it)

    8. Merci Dee*

      I have found a great deal of comfort lately from the poem “Gone From My Sight”, bt Luther F. Beecher. I worked up a nice copy and gave it to my dad after my mother’s passing.

    9. CJM*

      Last year I went to my beloved aunt’s small memorial service. She was spiritual but not part of any organized religion. My cousin, a few of my aunt’s closest friends, and I all took turns sharing memories about my aunt and what made her so special. (My cousin and I spent lots of time preparing what we read that day, but most people spoke extemporaneously.) There were pictures of my aunt, and the refreshment was her favorite cake. I loved the personal feel of it all.

      This summer my husband and I virtually attended the funeral service of one of his high-school friends. The nicest part was when the daughter talked lovingly about her dad and shared personal stories.

      So for me, that’s the best part: sharing stories to honor a loved one’s memory.

      I’m sorry for your loss.

    10. WellRed*

      My deepest sympathy. I’m dealing with the same. Can you look to non-traditional poets? For example, my brother like the Doors and Jim Morrison has published poetry. We may just share a few anecdotes as well.

    12. Pamela Adams*

      With my mom- and this was well before Covid- we had a memorial service at the local senior center, where she had volunteered. One of her granddaughters made a slideshow of pictures. we had a table of physical pictures, favorite books, and awards. People spoke as they chose- my siblings and I served as general hosts and emcee.

  39. Bloop*

    Hello, we need some advice for apartments! End realize we are in a very fortunate situation where we have the ability to move. My partner just got a job and I am now able to work from home full time. We are moving to be closer to his job, and would like to upgrade to a 2 BR.

    We are moving to Denver, which is surprisingly still really hard to find a place (I thought people would be moving away or staying in place for the most part. Things go super quick!) our lease doesn’t end until Nov 3, so we still have some time I think. Our luck has been, we see a place we like, and it goes within an hour. We are trying to find a private landlord as that has been better for us than huge apartment complexes, but we’ve also ran into weird private landlords on our search (asking to write essays for them, putting in clauses for unannounced entering at any time)

    We are in between 3 scenarios.
    1. A condo with seemingly super nice landlords. It’s more dated and in a location that’s not walkable (NE Park Hill) but an easy drive to things. It’s also very affordable. Since working from home, I’ve really valued being able to walk to food or sights nearby.

    2. A big box apartment complex that is walkable to things but more expensive (by $400/month) and also super updated. It doesn’t have great reviews of management.

    3. The unknown?? Continue to wait and look around for more apartments as we are still 30+ days out?

    The only reason I’m hesitating is because #1 did seem to have genuinely nice landlords. Good landlords are worth their weight in gold right? But we don’t love the location or the apartment, but we could save more money with the price. We want to keep looking but are afraid we’ll lose these kind landlords. They are willing to be flexible for us, so maybe I can ask to put money down to hold it?

    Does anyone have advice in this situation? What would you do?

    1. Bloop*

      It’s also interesting because in previous pre COVID times, I think everyone would be like location is most important! But I still don’t feel comfortable going out to things yet, and things are not as open as they used to be. While #1 isn’t walkable to anything, a light rail is nearby and it’s a 8 minute drive to City Park. It’s just nice to take a walk to a coffee shop sometimes, or restaurants (like the Highlands area but HOT DAMN those go so fast. We’ve only got to see one place but that landlord had the strange enter anytime clause.)

      1. valentine*

        Take 2. The modernity and walkability are worth the price and the latter is doubly so: faster delivery!

    2. Venus*

      This doesn’t help with your decision between 1 and 2, but I have friends who used a realtor to find them a rental. They paid no fee, as the realtor was paid by the new landlord. I think this only works if you are a good renter, otherwise the landlord has no incentive to pay an added fee, but it seems relatively common in my city and has worked really well for a couple friends who rented houses from individuals rather than big companies. If you want to stay in the same place for more than a year then I would be careful about picking a good landlord.

      1. A313*

        I have also walked around neighborhoods where landlords just post a “for rent” sign. These are generally small-time landlords, and you see the outside of the building and its location before you decide to go further. A realtor can also be helpful if you don’t know an area as well.

      2. Bloop*

        We will look into a realtor! We have used an apartment locator but they only show huge complexes, so that is helpful to know.

    3. Hooray for options!*

      If it were me, I would wait. It sounds like neither is quite right. I know it’s hard to find “perfect” right now but these both sound *too* far from perfect if you know what I mean. Yes, a good landlord is important, but you are already uncomfortable with #1 and don’t even live there yet. Being able to walk is very important.

      It took me a long time to find my current apartment, I had to view a lot of others first and almost gave up and took one I really didn’t like, but when I walked into this one I knew right away it was the right one. Is it perfect? No. But it has most of what I wanted. I had to beat out 100 other applicants for it, but the stars lined up. They will for you, too.

    4. theguvnah*

      I loved to Denver about 18 months ago so I can’t speak to how COVID has changed the market, but I definitely had better luck waiting closer to my move date – the places and buildings i looked at a few months out weren’t wowing me and I ended up finding something and signing sight unseen (she kindly filmed herself walking through the place) about a month out and it was great. I had a flexible budget and was moving from NYC so i was definitely in a privileged spot, but all of this is to say don’t panic or rush because you have time.

      also are these private owner landlords or companies? getting in with a company is beneficial to having access to a bunch of listings across all their buildings maybe?

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        We relocated cross-country a few years ago, and I agree with this. We had to make a special trip 30 days before our move to secure an apartment, because the large property management companies that ran the bigger complexes all put apartments on the market at 30 days.

        Of course while we lived there they changed it to 60 days and it made buying our house a pain but that’s life.

      2. Bloop*

        Can I ask where you ended up moving to? As in a bigger complex or you found a private landlord? But that is great I’m glad it worked out for you! I think we are in a slump because it feels like nothing we have seen (besides one…which got snatched very quickly) yet has given us the feeling of “yes! We want to live here!” Maybe #1 but that’s only because the landlords seem so nice and the price is good.

        We have seen a mix of private and larger companies, and mostly find them through Zillow, Craigslist, and Apartments.com. I used to sift through individual websites but found most of them would post to Zillow, and going through each website was exhausting (x_x)

    5. Bex*

      I vote for #3! If you are going to be working from home, I think it’s worth holding out for a neighborhood that you really like, since you are going to be spending like 99% of your time there.

    6. lapgiraffe*

      1) I used a realtor with my last lease and the quality of apartment was much much higher than what I was finding on craigslist and such.

      2) I know in my city (Boston) things go quickly and it has always made a difference to book a day of visits and pull the trigger that day (if you find what you need). Obviously things are different in COVID times but I do know you can still make appointments and follow protocols.

      3) Your option number 1 doesn’t sound that bad. I also like to walk to places and since moving further out from the city center I miss that, but this year it’s been so nice that I live in such a residential neighborhood – less people out and about means I can go on long, leisurely walks and feel comfortable without a mask for most of it because there’s literally not a soul around until I hit a transit hub/active square. Allows for some fresh air in much needed fresh air times.

    7. Dan*

      Just an FYI on #2, from what is essentially a life long renter…

      On the whole, I don’t think online review sites for apartments are as useful as say yelp is for restaurants. I think it takes a lot of practice and experience to read between the lines. I’ve been in the same spot for several years, and sometimes I peruse online reviews for my place because, well I’m curious.

      And… there really aren’t that many reviews given the number of units, and the few I do read are about experiences that generally don’t match mine. Some reviews I read and think, “dang, if that was my experience, I’d be pissed too.” Some people have a random one-off bad experiences (say they have a problematic appliance or something that requires a bunch of service calls). I’ve had appliances go bad on me over the years, after having worked just fine for several. I could see how this thing going bad in my first year would leave me annoyed to the point where I’d leave a negative review because it required multiple service requests before replacement. My service requests have averaged less than one a year, and they generally get resolved promptly, so somebody spending too much time complaining about maintenance would leave me scratching my head.

      Some reviews I flat out don’t believe. There was one review that was complaining about some vehicle breakins at one point. I was like for real? I come and go at late hours of the night, and never have seen any evidence of broken glass or suspicious behavior. I travel for extended periods of time (like a month straight) and have done so multiple times without an issue.

      All in all, I’d pay very careful attention to the reviews, and look for patterns. If multiple people are complaining about maintenance being slow or incompetent, that tells you something. If repeated noise complaints to management don’t result in a resolution, that would tell you something too. If management doesn’t process rent checks on time and tries to ding you for it, I’d pay *very* close attention. Parking is the big thing. If people complain about that, assume it’s valid.

      1. Anonnington*

        I’ve noticed the same thing. Big apartment complexes usually have a lot of bad reviews online.

        My theory is that some people do this in an attempt to keep their rent low. It would make sense – keep the place from becoming too popular so the LL doesn’t have a reason to raise the rent.

        My other theory is that some people have really unrealistic expectations about housing. Maybe they grew up in a detached house and had a housekeeper, so they don’t know that pests happen, not everything will be completely brand new, etc.

        But, yeah, I would look for other ways to assess the situation there. Maybe you could talk to current tenants?

  40. Not Australian*

    Could do with some help/suggestions regarding my friend’s dog. The poor thing has developed what the vet is pretty certain is an anxiety-related skin condition – she’s red raw over about 70% of her body including the insides of her ears and constantly scratching. Vet has ruled out fleas or other external problems. She’s got some cream to apply, but that doesn’t seem to be having any effect. I wondered if there was a dog equivalent of Feliway that might soothe her anxieties (I’m a lifelong cat person so have no relevant experience of my own) and after Googling came up with Adaptil – has anyone used that, and can they please let me know how it went?

    Also, this is a young-ish dog who seems to need more exercise than she gets; she’s always full of energy, but the family routine only allows for short walks morning and evening. Their garden is tiny and with nowhere much to play. I’ve offered to go round in the middle of the day sometimes and take the dog out, which would also help me get exercise, and the dog really seems to like me which is a bonus. I’d take my other half with me as well, who is physically stronger than I am, just in case the dog is a bit of a handful. What do you think?

    I don’t want to interfere with something that really isn’t my problem to solve – but on the other hand if I can do something to make the dog more comfortable it might benefit to the family in general, and I’m very happy to contribute if I can. I’d really appreciate the views of experienced dog-owners before I blunder in!

    1. Bibliovore*

      I do know about this. My upstairs neighbor had a standard poodle. super high energy. I did a walk and play with it to shake its silly’s out when I came home from school. I would think that they would think this was a great idea!

    2. JKP*

      My parents had this problem, and it was the dog food. Their vet suggested switched to grain free dog food, and the scratching stopped.

      1. Natalie*

        This is bad blanket advice. There is a strong link between grain free diets and serious, often fatal heart conditions in dogs. And if the issue is an actual allergy or food intolerance, it’s usually a little more involved than just switching to some random boutique brand.

        1. JKP*

          It’s definitely something to ask the vet about, though. Depending on the breed, some breeds don’t tolerate grain well.

        2. Wehaf*

          That “strong link” is mostly based on a single study, which did not control for high legume content in some of the grain-free foods. A lot of researchers I’ve spoken with think it’s highly probable that the problem is not lack of grains, but excess legumes. A grain-free, low-legume diet should be fine. Alternatively, high quality dog foods with rice as the only grain tend to be very good for allergies.

          1. Natalie*

            The Tufts research – which is, you know, ongoing and publicized as opposed to nameless researchers you’ve spoken to – has been fairly clear that it’s not “just legumes” and that grain free causes problems. Nor is there any logical reason or research supported evidence for the idea that grains are generally bad for dogs. Dog food allergies are almost always the protein source. Hell, we’ve identified the genetic changes that allowed dogs to digest grains, something they’ve been eating from human tables scraps basically since the beginning of the domestication of dogs.

            Grain free dog food is a marketing fad, and has been from the beginning.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      The one time I saw something similar to this it turned out to be mites in the hair follicles. Their body’s look red and there can be abrasions from scratching.

      I checked my lawn and my perennial bed and I saw mite damage there, too. A nursery person pointed out with an eye roll that they were different mites. But that still did not stop me from thinking about what the common factor could be.

      The vet I went to wanted to put my dog on pred. Well, my last dog that I had on pred, came at me in a viscous manner. No more pred in this house. I’m not going to deal with that stuff. I can’t remember what I did entirely- it involved garlic supplements, spraying the yard with mint soap from a hose end sprayer, washing the bedding and a few other things. Once I found the right group of activities, the itching stopped and the hair started growing in with in a few weeks.

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I’m not a vet but I have a dog that is very itchy

      What works for him was changing his diet (fish based protein source) and medications specifically for itching (cytopoint injections and apoquel) He also has an anti microbial shampoo to prevent/treat sores from licking.

      If the dog has sores from scratching, then he should wear a cone until the sores heal

    6. Natalie*

      Bored dogs will develop all kinds of bad behaviors, which can include compulsive scratching. So I think your offer to walk the dog is a really nice one and could help.

      If they would be open to suggestions, you could also help them think of some mental enrichment for Fido. Physical exercise isn’t the only or even best way to tire a dog out! Feeding their regular dinner through a puzzle feeder, snuffle mat, or slow bowl, doing short training sessions, or trading one of those walks in for fetch makes them use their brain more and doesn’t take any more tome than a walk. It’s like the dog version of having hobbies.

      Med wise, they should ask their vet about apoquel (pills) or cytopoint (injection) for idiopathic itching.

      1. Not Australian*

        I didn’t know there were puzzle feeders for dogs – we have one for our cats! That’s definitely something I can try as well as the walking; thank you.

    7. Amy*

      Anxiety-induced skin issues are… possible, I guess. But definitely not the first thing I would jump to in a dog that is severely itchy with redness all over her body. As others have mentioned, Cytopoint or Apoquel would be a very good idea to start. These drugs don’t stop the cause of the skin irritation but do stop the severe itchy feeling by blocking the cellular signal to scratch. The dog will be so much more comfortable while they work on figuring out what is causing the issue, and by reducing the scratching they reduce the risk of secondary skin infections. If the dog already has ulcerated areas from biting or scratching then chlorhexidene mousse or shampoo can help.

      Often the best first step in trying to determine the root of the issue is a feeding trial. The dog should be fed either a hydrolyzed protein diet or novel protein diet (something the dog has never had before, like rabbit or venison) for a minimum of about 6-8 weeks. The prescription diets are typically the best for this, but there are OTC diets they can try (with the caveat that these have been found to have more contamination with other protein sources). During this feeding trial it’s crucial the dog ONLY eats this food – no table scraps, biscuits, flavored meds, etc. If the dog’s skin improves then you have your answer. I will add that it’s much less likely to be an allergy to grain than to a common protein such as dairy or beef, and as others have correctly mentioned, boutique grain-free diets are associated with dilated cardiomyopathy (heart disease) in dogs.

      There are other things than can cause itchy skin all over such as:
      – Fleas & Mites: Scabies is super itchy and transmissible to people, but can be pretty easily diagnosed with a skin scrape and cured with certain types of flea prevention. Demodex mites are more likely in puppies and usually not itchy.
      – Contact dermatitis: allergy to rugs, cleaning solutions, etc. But that’s unlikely to be all over, inside the ears, etc.
      – Atopic dermatitis/environmental allergies: this is a diagnosis of exclusion and can be treated with hyposensitization protocols (allergy shots), steroids, and/or Atopica

      To me, this dog sounds like she has food allergies or atopic dermatitis, but obviously I can’t diagnose her through the internet! They need to work with their vet. Maybe a different vet who’s willing to work on diagnosing the root cause.

      (Oh – regarding Adaptil. Some people find it helpful but overall it tends not to be as effective as Feliway is for cats. And it definitely wouldn’t be my first-line recommendation for an itchy dog. For anxiety it might help, but from the sounds of things, first I would recommend some of the enrichment activities Natalie suggested above.)

  41. Evergreen*

    How did people choose the names of their pets?

    When my family got my childhood dog there were complicated lists as my siblings and I all got to make suggestions and vote (and then we ended up choosing a name not on the lists at all) and I feel it seems many other people have much more straightforward approaches

    1. Michelle*

      Years ago, I kind of picked the theme of “scientific” for pet names and it has continued for all of my pets since adult-hood. I have had a green anole name Petri, another anole named Erlenmeyer, and two cats–Bernoulli (we called her Berni) and Antimony (shortened to Annie). Friends of ours had a cat name Schrodinger, which I thought was a hilarious name for a cat.

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I also have a scientific theme, specifically female scientists and nerds.

        The best nerdy cat name ever is C Puss Puss.

        I want to name a future dog Bletchley Bark.

          1. Cat and dog fosterer*

            It has been decades and I still remember C Puss Puss, so it was also one of my more memorable conversations! There aren’t enough nerdy pun-lovers who name animals.

      2. Germank106*

        Our Mastiff is named Rosco P. Coltrane because of his lumbering walk and slow demeanor. That dog does nothing fast. We also live in the South so he fits right in. The little guy (Boston Terrier) is named Oscar because he’s always grouchy. Scarlett is the Cat. She is bossy, pushes the dogs around and turns into a real love bug when my Husband enters the room.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My dogs are both named after kick-ass literary women – Angua from Discworld and Alannah from the Lioness Quartet. They both have three-syllable first names and one-syllable middle names, which is coincidental – the other names on my “kickass literary women that start with A” list are two-syllable. Angua’s is Grace, because that was the only way she was going to have any, she’s a bit of a galumphy dog, and Alannah’s is Jane because that’s what just started popping out in a middle-naming scenario. :)

      Also, both my dogs and my husband’s cats all have rank/titles and way way too much name. The girls are Angua Grace Puppinsky-Rompanopolis, Lieutenant General of the Red Hound Army and High Ambassador to the Kitten Kingdom, and Alannah Jane Sleepyface Corporal Radar Wigglebottom the Froshus, Queen of the Carrot Mafia and Bane of All Flossiraptors Errywhere. His cats are Captain Kyna Whitepaws, SCOURGE OF LAND AND SEA, and Princess Kiara Scaredyfluff the Dark and Unseen.

      I am GOING to be putting a pirate costume on the Captain today for Talk Like A Pirate Day. She only has one eye.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        (We don’t actually use the cats’ names. They’re The Captain and The Princess. I usually have to stop and think what their actual names are, and I have no idea where my husband got the names.)

      2. Bibliovore*

        I really want you to name my dog. The first was Mary Margaret Kelly (call name Maggie) the second was Mary Katherine Kelly (call name Katie) What do you have for a 35 lb, furry Irish boy dog?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Without actually any thinking, I read your post and what came immediately to mind was Seamus O’Malley MacMulligan. I don’t even know. :)

    3. CJM*

      We get to know the pet a bit and then brainstorm names we like. Often there’s a family joke or some history with the pet that helps, and we wait for a name we all love. My favorite name among our many pets is Minkee. That’s from the Pink Panther character that Peter Sellers played in a crazy accent (he was trying to say “monkey”). My daughter’s new cat was named Milky for her markings and her love of all things dairy.

    5. Queer Earthling*

      For Percy, I wrote out a list of names when I applied to adopt him, which consisted of things I’d thought about for pets before, names of people I admired, words I liked, etc, bolded my favorites, and then practiced saying them out loud while looking at his picture. “Percy” was the name that felt right, and honestly, it suits him. (His full name is Percival Titus Farnsworth-Oates.) Percy’s humane society name was Cheetos and it just felt weird to say, plus he was young enough I didn’t think he’d care. He does not answer to it anymore, I’ve checked a few times.

      For our other cat, which my spouse had before Percy and I moved in, they just kept the name that the rescue had given him, Hennessey, because he answered to it and he was already a couple years old, and no one hated it. He seems to like it, although I think he thinks his real name is “*shakes bag of treats*” because that’s what he’s most likely to answer to. ;)

      One of the best tips I’ve heard is to imagine that your pet got out and you have to yell their name around your neighborhood. If the idea of yelling “T’Pol” or “Schnookums” or “Phil Collins Drum Solo” or whatever feels awkward, do not pick that name.

      1. Lifelong student*

        Yes- when I was a child I wanted to name our new cat Godfrey- don’t remember why. My Mom said she did not want to be yelling for God if the cat got out!

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      My cats are Sophie and Parker. We named them after characters on Leverage. We picked the names out before we got them, but they both live up to their namesakes.

    7. Jessie*

      My dog was beautiful. So I called her Beautiful. But in our native language :) Simple :)

      She was a gorgeous blue eyed deaf Great Dane. She really was beautiful.

    8. Lcsa99*

      For our first cat together (he is all black, and was a kitten at the time) we wanted something that would be original, but related to something special to us. So we were first thinking about spices, or cookies since we bake a lot; we tossed around the idea or caramel because or his eye color. Eventually we got on the idea of character names. I have always loved Vincent Price so I just pulled up his IMDB page and skimmed the list of names until one stuck out. Gallico The Great made sense for him because being all black, he’s very good at making himself invisible.

      For our second cat we wanted to stick with the theme so we looked up Boris Karloff characters and liked the sound of Marlowe. What made that an even better match was the secondary connection to Philip Marlowe since we both love mysteries so it worked! And he really does seem to think he is a detective so we just tell everyone the Philip Marlowe connection. People normally guess Kit Marlowe.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      They make lists of suggested dog names. That is where I got my current dog’s name. I wanted a different first initial from the other dog names I had so I began by looking under those letters in the alphabetized lists.

    10. Lifelong student*

      We had a parrot named Merlin, a cat named Pywackit, a cat named Gremolkin. I was into wizards and witches long before HP.

    11. GoryDetails*

      I often use the names of fictional characters – Chiun (from the martial-arts/assassin/action-comedy series “The Destroyer”), Spike and Drusilla (from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), Raffles (from Hornung’s stories about the expert thief, a kind of dark-side Sherlock Holmes – Hornung was Conan Doyle’s brother in law)… Family members named cats after characters from “Howl’s Moving Castle” and the “Discworld” books.

      Other times the cat’s personality and/or fur suggested names – we named one Melancholy because the calico patterns on her face made her look sad.

      Sometimes the names stick and other times they get pushed aside by daily-use nicknames. Either way, the cats don’t seem to care {wry grin}.

    12. Merci Dee*

      When we got our cat from the shelter, his first family had two small children that decided to name him Billy. My daughter and I thought about changing his name after we got him, but “Billy” seems to suit him for some reason. I really can’t imagine any other name that would fit him as well. Granted, we have a whole slew if nicknames for him: Bubby (a deceased friend’s old nickname for her little brother before she could say his name), Furry Pants, Nosy Ass, Fuzzy Butt, Little Dude, Little Man, Our Good and Gracious Overlord, Jerk Face (when he’s being jerky, obviously).

      I got a copy of Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats a few years ago, and I think it’s going to supply a lifetime’s worth of names for future companions.

    13. Cruciatus*

      I ridiculously agonize over pet names. My previous two cats were found on the side of the road. My mom said “DO NOT NAME THEM” so my sister and I named them quickly (they did end up staying with us, the best cats ever). I named mine after a minor league baseball player I had seen the night before (Jebediah (I found the name hilarious somehow, just so old fashioned), but she was called Jeb). Was it a weird choice? Probably, but she never minded. Now for the other cats that I purposely got, I waited forever to name them (I think up until her first vet appointment) and went with Alfie for one because she came into this house and decided it was hers (despite 2 other cats already living here), she was the alpha. Archer is because when he was a kitten, he arched his back to let you know he wanted to play now. (And it’s now 2 years since he’s been here, and Alfie still hates him–if anyone has any tips on that I’d be very happy to hear them!)

    14. Jay*

      Years ago I was working of a catfish farm in rural North Carolina.
      As happens every so often, stupid, ignorant people dump their dogs off when they don’t want them so “they can live on a nice farm”. Usually we had to call the pound/shelter/humane society. Unless it was a genuinely valuable breed (which happened a time or two) and someone actually wants them, or they would run off and join one of the ferrel packs roaming the woods.
      Well, two of these dogs made permanent homes on the farm.
      One was an absolutely adorable Britney Spaniel and the other, a Boxer, at the time and place a highly valuable breed that made both excellent pets for young children and good watchdogs for rural properties.
      We were hanging around the trailer we used as a break room one afternoon at lunch, discussing what to call the Spaniel. The manager, a devout Mennonite, started suggesting all the names of celebrities that he knew. This consisted of the couple he saw mentioned on the headlines of tabloids papers in the checkout line at the Piggly Wiggly from time to time. We mostly nodded and ahemmed aimlessly, until he came to Opra. Well, José, one of the other hands, thought he said Okra, the vegetable. José was one of the mildest, least excitable men I have ever known. Except for one thing. Okra. The man hated Okra with a holy passion. And, of course, his wife loved it. It was her favorite food in the world. So, during the spring and summer growing seasons, when it was everywhere, poor José lived his life in a kind of Okra panic, expecting his wife to spring it on him with every meal, snack, or any other time she could. So, hearing the name of the dreaded vegetable, he practically jumps out of his skin, cursing loudly in Spanish, so our manager, the Mennonite, who had Views on strong language, would not get mad at him.
      From that day on, our little Britney Spaniel was know as Okra.

    15. TX Lizard*

      My black cat was named Sid after “Six Dinner Sid”, the black cat who lived in an un-neighborly neighborhood and ate dinner at every house (with no one the wiser, since no one talked to their neighbors). Our cat was originally a stray that was being fed by several houses, so it seemed to perfect to even consider other names!

    16. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I knew the names I wanted for our eventual two cats years before we ever got them. Then when we saw them at the shelter, their personalities matched the names well. We both love electronic music, so they are named after two key songwriters of the era – Martin for Martin Gore and Midge for Midge Ure (even though shes a lady – I also loved the name Midge Klump in the Archie comics I read as a kid, so it was a combination of the two).

      They don’t sound too out of line when I yell out the backdoor for them – sometimes I wonder if their buddy Freddie from next door was named for Freddie Mercury…

    17. silverpie*

      We’ve had all kinds. Our most recent batches were:
      Waffles Pe‘elua† and Angel Jessica†: Both first-named for fur-patterns (Waffles’s belly looked like a waffle-iron, and Angel had a ring on her tail that looked like a halo on the wrong end). The middle names are the Hawaiian for tabby (literally caterpillar), since I’d been in Hawai‘i when she came home) and for Jessica Alba (/Dark Angel/).

      Jack Ogier: Jack was his shelter name, and we never thought of better. Ogier is the name of the *jack* of clubs in French playing-card decks.

      Leia Athena† and Luke Hector: The first names are of course from Star Wars—the vet’s daughter found them curled up together with no mother around. The middle names continue the theme from Jack (queen of spades and jack of diamonds).

      Panthera Elvira: For the first name, mom had picked out the short form Pan, just one she’d always liked. I expanded it to the Latin name for the genus of big (roaring) cats. The middle name was because she was Halloween-colored and had probably been born in October.

    19. frystavirki*

      Suki was named after Sookie from Gilmore Girls since that was the show my mom and 12-year-old me watched most often back when we adopted her in 2006. We didn’t know how the character spelled her name at the time, but I liked this way better anyway. It was more fun to tell her I loved her in Japanese.
      Luna is named Luna because she has a big white star on her chest. I was trying to come up with good star-related names, and my mom disallowed me from naming her Stella, because she knew my dad would do the whole “STELLAAAAA” yell constantly, from, I think, Streetcar Named Desire? So I went with Luna. It’s a pretty common dog name, so we have a dog I stubbornly refer to as Other Luna at the park. It’s easy to come up with ten million nicknames for her, though.
      Another childhood dog was named Hobbes, not after the philosopher but after the tiger from Calvin and Hobbes, mostly because he liked to sleep all day.
      Usually we go off personality and appearance, or pick out a character name that we like.

    20. Jackalope*

      I named my two most recent cats after characters in a book I liked. It suits them (and they both know their names, and frequently come when they’re called!), plus I can always tell if someone else has the same brand of nerd as I do based on whether they make confused faces when hearing their names or light up and start jabbering away about the book series.

    21. ...*

      I just randomly pick the name when I see them, it takes me like 2 minutes. ‘Oh you look like a Judy or Mochi’ lol

    22. RussianInTexas*

      I got orange fluffy twin male cats from the shelter. Their shelter names were crappy so renaming was in order. Was going with a “set” names, asked people for suggestions.
      Ended up with Fred and George, and it just fits them perfectly. Georgie Poo and Freddy Spaghetti, lol.
      Old kitty was named Smoke, she was all grey.
      Do, no system really?

    23. Generic Name*

      I named the first cat I had as an adult Elaine because I had just read the Mists of Avalon and named her after Elaine of Astolat. It was not a good name for her because she was the farthest thing from a lovely cat (there’s an old poem about her). My other pets I named based on their physical characteristics or I let my son name them. Only once did I keep the “shelter name”, because the name just fit.

    24. Jaid*

      I was reading Dante’s Inferno, so I called the girl Bella and then when I got the boy, I called him Dante.

    25. Chaordic One*

      When I picked a puppy of my own it was a Scottish breed and I named him after a recurring character from a popular 1960s sitcom whom I thought was Scottish. It turned out the character was English, not Scottish, but the name stuck on the dog. After that, I was sort of gifted a dog from a relative who could no longer care for it. That dog already had a name that I didn’t like, so I changed it to a similar-sounding name which was shared with a popular classic cartoon character. The new name was close enough to his old name so he still came when called.

      I once read an article about hipsters who named their dogs after obscure bay area poets, which I thought was pretty neat. If I ever get another dog I’m thinking of naming him or her after a notorious author or maybe a 1980s new wave pop singer.

    26. Loulou*

      I named my dog Atticus Finch (often shortened to Atti) because the book and character resonated with me from the moment I read it in school years ago.

    27. NoMercy*

      My last 2 cats were named after Muppets. Floyd, the bass player for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was a Maine Coon, and Sam (the Eagle) is a tuxedo. I would like the next one to be Dr. Bob but we’ll see if he or she suits it.

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My childhood dog, we didn’t like the name she came with. (Second owners, so an older puppy.) Because it was Christmas and I was a kid, the dog’s name became Noelle. Years later I learned that her original name “Nipperkin” had nothing to do with nipping people, and everything to do with an archaic measure for a tiny amount of beer. That made sense, because she had been the runt of the litter.
      One thing I have seen in other people’s pets. The ones named after fiction bad guys had some difficult personalities…not sure whether the names came first or were picked to match. Loki was an escape artist. Grendel the cat tended to bite people.

  42. Bibliovore*

    Puppy!
    For those who have been following, about a month ago on the weekend thread I posted about the puppy that we have waited years for was at a breeder a few states away.

    With Covid19 I was twisting myself all out of shape to figure out how to make this happen. I am at high risk and haven’t been out of the house except for essential dr. stuff since March. Very fortunate to work-from-home for the foreseeable future. Have one ancient Bijon rescue in the house.

    I had resigned myself that this wasn’t meant to be. sigh.

    This week the breeder called. She said she would be traveling to my state to visit her mother!
    Yes, I will be getting a puppy near the end of October.
    It has been 25 years since we have had a puppy. Please help.
    We will be crate training- does anyone have a recommendation for a brand or style of portable crate?
    What you wished someone had told you about raising a puppy?
    Favorite book or video?
    High interest treats for training?
    Favorite toy?
    Anything else?
    It most likely will be a boy dog.

    (full disclosure its been a hard week besides, flare in the chronic pain stuff, a funeral, RBG, 2020 sucks- so grateful to connect with the AAM community on-line)

    1. Jessie*

      What you wished someone had told you about raising a puppy?

      Hide your shoes! And anything that is precious while they are teething. Also sometimes they will go after the furniture, so be careful.
      Make rules from the beginning. I didn’t mind my dog sitting on my furniture and my bed. But if you don’t like that, make it very clear from the beginning, so they won’t get confused. Good luck! Dogs are the best :)

    2. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I am so happy for you!! That is such great news.

      What are you looking for with a portable crate? I use metal ones that fold up and it really doesn’t matter other than size, as the dog will be more likely to toilet in the crate if it’s too big. But you can mitigate by taking them out often, which you should do anyway when house-training in the first month or so. I use old towels in the crate until they can be trusted not to make a mess, then I put in a bed.

      For high value treats I cook a chicken and rip it up into pieces for training. It works better than anything from a store and is healthy. I don’t bother with my dog who will eat anything, but chicken is reliable for fosters.

      Victoria Coren (It’s me or the Dog) has good videos on Youtube for training. She tends to work with problem dogs, yet her techniques are based in positive-reinforcement and work well with all types. I have a friend who was taught by a very rigid trainer that he should never pick up his small dog, because it reinforces bad dynamics. That always seemed wrong to me, and another trainer later said that dogs can be picked up, and let on the couch and bed, but only if they do something first like sit or lay down. A simple request to ask permission, and I do the same with food. That’s the one key thing that I do with puppies, is I make them sit for their food and I keep picking it up until they sit still as I put the food down (so I hold the food dish until they sit and then I start to lower it. If they stand up again then I bring it back up. The first time takes 15-30 minutes but they learn quickly and they end up being dogs that don’t jump up). After a few weeks I make them wait until I give a release command. Making them sit to wait, and house-training, and socialising with objects (different flooring, toys, etc) is all I focus on in the first couple weeks. Then I intentionally introduce them to more people and other dogs. At first I walk them and say hello to neighbors if they are nearby, but I only make an effort to meet dogs and people that I trust later.

    3. achoo*

      Congratulations! I would say the most important general words of wisdom:
      1) Puppies are great because they are blank slates. They don’t have trauma or histories that need to be unpacked and worked on. Puppies are terrible because they are blank slates. They don’t know what is right or wrong, so don’t ever think he’s doing something to ‘get back’ at you or because he’s ‘aggressive.’ Be kind, be consistent, and training will happen.
      1a) All the time you pour into a puppy will pay off down the road- so remember the days are long but the years are short. You’ll have to devote a ton of time and energy to your puppy at the start but it eases over time.
      2) You have work, friends, family, outside interests. All your dog has is you. It’s frustrating when you finally get some down time and the dog wants attention- but take a deep breath and turn off the tv/computer/etc and go play with your pup. It’s unfair to expect them to sleep/chill for 23 hours a day.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I’m only sort of joking but my plan is to spend so much time training the dog that I get called on the carpet at work.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Yes, set rules, definitely. You can back off later if a rule is not necessary. It’s really hard to start the rule later though.
      Handle the pup a lot- especially paws and teeth.
      It will chew on you, because of teething. Have something handy to stuff in it’s mouth as a redirect so you aren’t constantly scolding. That will eventually stop, of course.
      I am a fan of spritzers of water. I never aim for the face/ears. I aim for legs or back. It’s enough. I keep spritzer by the door so they are handy if he gets out the door on me.

      I got bit when I was 5. I reached into the dog dish to add more food. Teach your pup that it is normal to reach into his dish. Praise him, add a treat and give the dish back.
      Matter of fact, whatever you show him as normal now, he will just accept. I take my pups in the bathroom with me and teach them to wait and not touch anything. This is prep for using a public restroom together. Think about what you would like to do/ need to do with him and what he will need to know.

      Name activities so they eventually learn the expected behavior for that activity- Bed time, ride, walk etc.

      Pups have to pee after they do anything – eat, sleep, play, walk , they have to go pee. Once they get a bit bigger that slows down a lot. My dogs eventually learn to wait until after it stops raining, ha!

    5. pancakes*

      I remember you posting about this — that’s great news! It’s been a long time since I had a puppy but he loved Nylabones for teething.

    6. MadMaddy86*

      I Just Got a Puppy, What Do I Do? by Mordecai Siegal was the best when my family had a chesapeake bay retriever puppy growing up ( I was 14 at the time)

      Definitely set rules and anyone in the house (including guests) HAS to be consistent in following. it does no good if you decide that you do not want to feed human food to your dog from the table (aka teach it to beg ALL THE TIME) but no one else in the house follow suit. This will confuse the dog and then ultimately will just set the dog up for constant yelling at by you which is not fair to the dog or you. Consistency is key.

      From day one make sure to pet the dog and put your hands in their bowl while it is eating – to teach it NOT to be food terrotorial. Plus if you ever have little kids over while it is eating you wont have to worry about them getting growled at or bitten.

      Make sure to constantly touch them, their paws, their tails a lot so that they are not overly caustious and protective.

      Make sure to take them with you in the car as much as possible (even if you are just running to get one thing or going through the drive through) this will help ensure that they do not get car sick. My neighbors never took their dog woth them in the car unless they had to and when they took a road trip their dog got so car sick it was a complete disaster.

      Socialize and not just with dogs but adults, kids etc.

      Come up with command words and stick with them. if you say stay and your spouse says wait it is going to be very difficult for everyone training wise.

      Decide before the dog arrives if they are going to sleep with you and stick to it if they are not because a puppy cries the first few nights and it is HEARTBREAKING.

    7. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      So I have never raised a puppy, but I did train a “problem” rescue dog, and one thing that worked great for us was mealtime walks with hand feeding. Basically, at every mealtime we went on a walk and when he would heel or sit at a corner or obey basic instructions he would get praise and some of his kibble from my hand. If there was kibble left over after the walk, we practiced more commands in the kitchen until it was gone, and he enjoyed learning commands very much in that situation. It was so great for bonding and positive reinforcement (and in his case building trust to break through anxiety and bad habits), and I would recommend it to basically anyone. You have to feed your dog regardless, why not make it a time that builds your relationship?

    9. Alaska_Blue*

      We used “The Puppy Primer” book by Brenda K. Scidmore and Patricia McConnell. Positive and helpful and upbeat. We also used a “Snuggle Puppy” during the night as we had our puppy sleep in a kennel in our bedroom. The snuggle puppy was so helpful as he was very distressed after leaving his littermates and learning to sleep alone. We used it until the batteries went dead. We adopted our puppy in March. My parents just purchased a golden retriever puppy and we passed the snuggle puppy along to them (with new batteries) and their puppy is sleeping well with it too.

      Puppies are wonderful, it’s so fun to see them learn and figure out the world. Puppies are work, because they have so much to learn. But they are great for getting a body outside and moving and we’re so glad we have our guy.

    10. Generic Name*

      Congrats! I love how sometimes things just fall into place. Sounds like it was meant to be. :)

      Best puppy advice? Anything you let them do now, they will continue to do for the rest of their lives (jumping up, begging for scraps at the table, etc). Get used to saying “no” a thousand times a day. Have a family discussion about whether or not to let the dog on the furniture. If it’s no, then everyone has to enforce it. Behavior you reward will be repeated (and remember that even just attention from you can be considered a reward to a dog).

    11. Me*

      I typed a long reply that got eaten.

      Several folks have mentioned paws and touching. Super important if you want to clip nails. If you have a large breed you might have to do that anyway (no one around here clips a dog over 85 lbs).

      We took a basic puppy training class at petco. It was fine for really basic stuff.

      We are bored empty nesters and we wanted a good canine citizen so we ended up hiring a local trainer for one on one work.

      He helped us with crate training. Literally took him 5 minutes to get our dog to willingly go in the kennel. Our dog (now 90 lbs, lol) is very treat motivates. String cheese is a fav. For so many things we’ve gotten him to do, it’s basically walk to object. If he touches it with his nose, he gets a treat. In the case of the kennel, if he stuck his head in, he got a treat. If he walked in and out, treat. Now we say kennel and he runs to the room and puts himself in the kennel.

      He has an elevated platform/mesh bed in the dining room. When we sit at the table for a meal, he immediately heads to the bed, and stays there the entire time. Occasionally he’ll get a piece of string cheese (maybe one or two, depending on how long the meal is. Sometimes nothing).

      When someone comes to the door, he barks. Then he goes to his bed, lays down and woofs quietly. I can open the door and get a package, or talk to someone, while he lays on his bed.

      When I have him heel, he glued himself to my left side. If he’s coming from in front of me, he slips around on my left and sits down. I can turn left or right, backwards or forwards with him by my side. I can tell him down as we walk and he lays down while I walk away until I say heel and then he’s by my side again. He learned how to turn by putting his front paws on a pot in the floor, bottom of pot facing up. Took him under 10 minutes to figure it out. Months later, I can put a pot down on the ground and he immediately puts his paws on it, waiting for the cue to go one way or another. Food got him there but he generally doesn’t need food for motivation any more, unless we are adding a new trick.

      Totally worth the investment to train him (really, us). He’s my best buddy. Or he’s my dh’s best buddy.

    12. Tea and Sympathy*

      Cat person here so no advice, but after all the thought you put into trying to make this seemingly impossible trip, I’m so happy to hear that it worked out this way for you! Enjoy your puppy.

    13. Anonnington*

      The big “surprise” about puppies is that they remain puppies for about a year after they’re full grown and that can be the hardest time in terms of “parenting.”

      Little puppies teeth with puppy teeth and need help with house training. Bigger puppies can go through a biting phase, a jumping phase, a testing the rules phase. They can be demanding to deal with. This is why so many 1 – 2 year old dogs end up homeless; people don’t realize that the jumping, biting maniac is being a normal adolescent dog and that a lot of them go through this. Even if they’re well trained. It’s because they’re “teenagers.”

      Just be patient, be consistent with training, all the obvious stuff. And be a good friend to the dog. In contrast to what’s popular to say these days, they really do understand kindness and friendship. The kinder you are, the more they respect you.

    14. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A long-ago housemate grew up with big, mouthy dogs. Her advice to someone whose puppy was nipping was to train it how hard is too hard the same way older dogs do–if it’s hard enough to hurt or scratch, yelp and turn away. Don’t play for a while. That for a puppy is very effective consequence.

  43. Bibliovore*

    oh and I organized an on-line zoom celebration of life for my friend who died during these times. I emailed her friends and family who provided me with pictures of her from the time she was a college student to more recent occasions. I created a slide show to share with a song I knew she liked. We asked if people wanted to share to put it in the chat function and I would then they could unmute. I emailed a few people first so that in the beginning we would have people lined up.

  44. Reality Check*

    Question for vegans: I want to switch to vegan but am not sure how to begin. I’m thinking I should make the change gradually as this would be such a major lifestyle change. Does anyone have any advice? Website recommendations? Also, I’m allergic to soy and am prone to hypoglycemia, so avoiding soy and keeping my blood sugar stable are priorities for me.

    1. nep*

      Vegan here.* I think the transition will depend a good bit on what you’re currently eating regularly.
      (Curious–what’s your reason for wanting to go vegan, if you care to share?)
      I know there are a lot of sites out there that can be helpful; others who transitioned recently might have some good suggestions. I like a lot of things I see from nutriplanet.
      Do you like beans? They can be your best friend. So versatile and great for you.
      And look into amaranth, if you’re not already familiar with it. (Quinoa is great nutritionally, also–I love the taste but it causes bloating and pain for me.) I have found that amaranth causes no problems, and it’s a great option…versatile. Sweet or savory.
      I would just say you might want to look into what supplements you might want to take–I take B-12, lysine, and a high-quality *fish oil capsule (I know–the last not vegan, but I have had great results from using it and I’ve decided to stick w it.)
      I look forward to reading others’ comments here.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Thanks for the tip about amaranth – I have similar problems with quinoa and it frustrates me to see many yummy recipes that all require… quinoa. I thought it was just me!

    2. NeonFireworks*

      Hi! Almost vegan here, for several unrelated reasons.

      Protein is going to be the toughest thing to keep up with, at a guess. Nuts, beans, pea protein, maybe oats, and/or supplements, depending on what you like. I get about 20 g from a protein bar every day, which is about half of what I need. You’ll have to look to get soy-free ones, but they’re out there.

      If you’re introducing ingredients you haven’t used before, take them one at a time in case your digestive system says no (like nep, I can’t manage quinoa).

      If you like cereal, try all the alternative milks. They all taste/act differently. I’ve settled on rice milk, but one of the brands I can get is much better than the other.

      Some pretend meats are delicious, but you usually have to look carefully for them in the freezer section of the supermarket. Health food stores will bring in additional nifty things, and may have good protein supplement options. There are a lot of weird snacks out there, and being adventurous with these goes a long way (I did not get along with tiger nuts, but I do love kale chips!).

      If you’re trying to be very careful even about subtle things, then there a few common ingredients that are quietly sourced from animals (casein is dairy, gelatin is animal collagen, carmine/cochineal is from bugs), or are ambiguous (lactic acid, unless specified as “non dairy”).

      1. nep*

        Great point–agree important to introduce new things little by little.
        I don’t do any of the fake meats/’cheese,’ but I was amazed when I did Shipt shopping for a while pre-COVID just how many vegan options there are as far as meat-like and cheese-like things. I keep away from overly processed stuff, though, so I’ve never gone for any of those products.
        Re bars–when I am eating bars (I go back and forth), I like larabar because few ingredients. I really like their bars w added protein–it’s plant-based protein.

        1. nep*

          (The non-vegan supplement I’m taking notwithstanding, the last non-vegan thing I ate regularly was sardines…)

    3. Red haired runner*

      Go at it gradually! Don’t throw out non vegan food in your cupboards, just use it up. Canned beans are a great base for quick and hearty dinners.
      Also I would recommend tracking your macro nutrients while you transition your diet to make sure you are getting enough protein. There are several apps that help with this.

    4. Lena Clare*

      Agree with not throwing out the non vegan things. Just use them up and replace gradually.
      I was already vegetarian, then I gave up milk first then eggs (this was hard), then other dairy products including cheese.

      I thought I’d miss cheese, I don’t really. But I miss buying cakes. I can make them, but I don’t always feel like it.

      You could try making meals vegan – try breakfasts first because they’re easier, then look at meals for the evening, snacks you can try (I like crisps and unfortunately so many have got milk powder in, WHY?!), and stuff for lunch.
      It helps to be prepared. I don’t get it right all the time. And sometimes I don’t feel like it. Last week I ate tiramisu because I really wanted to.

      I didn’t use a blog or website, I used cookbooks. The ones I like are Isa Does It by Isa Chandra Miskowitz, Dirty Vegan 2 by Matt Pritchard, and Jackfruit & Blue Ginger by Sasha Gill. But I had a lot of fun looking through others. The 15 Minute Vegan by Katy Beskow has the best waffles I’ve ever tasted.

      Katy Beskow and Sasha Gill both have blogs.
      Have fun!

      1. Reality Check*

        Awesome, thank you. I am going to do this one thing at a time, starting with breakfasts and snacks. Someone asked why I’m doing this – for health reasons primarily. I’m in my late 40s, cholesterol is too high, blood pressure too high and I’m about 20 lbs overweight. I’m like NOPE! I need to undo some self inflicted damage & I’ve heard the vegan diet can bring about some great results. Will definitely take notes from the comments above & check out the cook books.

        1. Lena Clare*

          I’m with you on the health reasons!
          Good luck with it.

          I also take EPA/DPA supplements (vegan omega-3, 6, or 9, I can never remember which) and vegan vitamin D.
          If you’re a woman, Vegan for Her by Virginia Messina is really good. It was recommended to me on this forum here by Emma!

        2. NeonFireworks*

          For the record, just one data point, but the point where I lost about 40 lbs without trying (and started feeling a lot better, which is the important thing) was in the middle of my almost-vegan years when I cut way, way back on wheat (not celiac, but problems with FODMAP carbohydrates). I talked it through with my doctor, and she said this is common. It’s a really restrictive step, though, and I don’t know if it would be the right call for everyone.

        3. Runaway Shinobi*

          Would you consider other approaches? I’ve used 5:2 fasting for about five years now. Five days a week I eat normally; on the other 2 days, I have about 400 calories in one meal in the evening. It takes a few weeks to get used to, but you also begin to recognise that being hungry isn’t the end of the world. You don’t have to give up anything, just restrict yourself on 2 days. And you start to figure out where all the calories are and make switches on normal days. For instance, those recipes that start with 2 tbs of oil are just as good with 1 tsp. It’s also supposed to be good for reducing blood pressure and cholesterol. I’m vegetarian and manage well on it and it stops me eating all carbs all the time!

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        I would also suggest Cookie & Kate – her recipes are all vegetarian, but she has a TON of adaptations listed at the end for how to make it vegan, dairy free, etc. A really good starting resource and all of her recipes come out on point. I am moving more towards plant-only and made her vegan mac and cheese the other week and it was so, so easy to make up the cashew cheese.

    5. Jay*

      I actually went full Vegan for a full two years for health reasons. I will likely will again once all this mess ends.
      I learned one very important lesson:
      When looking for excellent Vegan/Vegetarian foods, look for groups of people who have a long tradition of enjoying their food, but, for whatever reason (seasons, economics, culture) have large stretches of time where meat is scarce or unavailable.
      Your average elderly Italian or Indian grandmother could take a bucket full of random weeds you found in a roadside ditch and create something that would make a 3 Michelin Star chef weep with joy.
      Old fashioned Italian, Indian, some French, even a very few traditional English (although those tend to be better for making something magical out of meat scraps) dishes can be readily repurposed for Vegan/Vegetarian eating.
      Hope this helps.

      1. university minion*

        For Indian food, check out vegrecipesofindia.com
        Everything I’ve made from the site has been awesome, and they’re written so that even an Anglo like me can succeed.

      2. nep*

        Your average elderly Italian or Indian grandmother could take a bucket full of random weeds you found in a roadside ditch and create something that would make a 3 Michelin Star chef weep with joy.
        Love this.

        1. Jay*

          My whole outlook on Vegetarianism and Veganism changed when I had a realisation one day:
          That Eggplant Parmigiana the way my grandmother made it was a vegetarian food. And with a few modifications it could be a vegan food. MOST pasta dishes were, as well.
          It changed again when I watched a food show on (I think) the Travel Chanel staring Anthony Bordain. The man is a well known meat snob. This was a trip to India. And the whole time he spent raving about how Indian food was the only vegetarian food in the world worth eating. The very next day I went out to our local Indian place and had my mind blown.

          1. Parenthetically*

            I LOVE that episode of Bourdain and reflect on it often, how paradigm-shifting it was for him to eat vegetarian food cooked with such a range of techniques and with obvious joy and SO MUCH FLAVOR. I’m not a vegetarian or vegan, but I think India would be the easiest place on earth to be one.

    6. Doctor is In*

      Read “How Not to Die”. 1st third is all the health conditions “cured” by vegain diet; middle third is how to do it- breakdown of what kinds of proteins and nutrients you need, and what foods have them, and how to gradually implement the changes; last third is references. So it looks like a huge book but it is easy to read. Vegan about 4 years here.

      1. I take tea*

        I like Cheap Lazy Vegan on YouTube, she’s fun and has a lot of good recipes, nothing too fancy.

        Nutritional yeast is a good friend if you are a cheese person. Cheap Lazy Vegan has a good recipe for vegan parmesan with that and cashew and some spices. I roast the nuts a little before, makes the taste deeper.

        A little warning, when you’ve done vegan for a while your body adapts and you can get violently sick from meat or dairy. I’ve never had a problem with lactose before, but when I ate a dairy ice cream this summer I was on the loo for two hours.

        Good luck!

    7. Jaid*

      My girlfriend started ordering from Daily Harvest and loves their bowls and smoothies. They do the prep, you heat and eat. She’s diabetic and since doing this, her levels have gone down. Keep in mind that she still eats meat for dinner, but gets inspired now to make that healthier.

      Best wishes!

  45. nep*

    Poshers / online resellers: Seeking advice on pricing a jacket. I sell on Poshmark. It’s a brand name that in some cases can be worth a lot of money, but is often ‘average.’ (Giorgio Armani…you can find some things for $49, some for $4,900…and much more.) Usually I can find the exact piece in a search and get an idea of value, but for the life of me can’t find this one. I found the jacket at a thrift store that generally has its higher-end things in a separate section and priced accordingly; this wasn’t there, and I think they would have known if it was worth a lot. I’m not looking to make a killing, but I also don’t want to short myself by offering it for far less than it’s worth. If it’s worth a good bit, I’d like to bring in that profit. Suggestions?

    1. nep*

      I do see the differences in price point and target for Giorgio Armani, Armani Exchange, and Emporio Armani. This is Giorgio Armani (A Milano Borgonuovo 21).

    2. theguvnah*

      So you bought something from a thrift store, which presumably supports a charity, and now want to sell it on poshmark for a profit? kind of gross if so.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Why? She paid what they asked. She didn’t have any reason to believe that they had underpriced it. She didn’t withhold information from them.

        1. nep*

          Oh, yeah. Resale/thrift shops know the deal. This one is quite expensive as thrift shops go. It’s a fun, interesting game that takes knowledge on work on the part of all concerned.

      2. Summersun*

        Sourcing for Posh, Mercari, and the like via thrift is one of the most common methods of selling. Thrift stores know this and price accordingly, some even creating bundles and special sale days. You, however, just wandered in with an uninformed opinion and no idea how these markets work.

        1. Torrance*

          It’s not just their ‘uninformed’ opinion. The gentrification of thrifting and the harm that reselling does to the communities that thrift stores serve has been a topic of many discussions for several years. Obviously everyone is looking out for their own interests when discussing the issue –the thrift stores, the resellers, and the non-reselling customers– but that doesn’t mean the issue doesn’t exist.

          1. Ermintrude*

            I agree with Torrance – it seems so much harder now to get nice clothes in a charity shop – so basically poor people only get the leftovers? Not super.

            1. Not A Manager*

              My understanding of charity resale shops is that they raise money for their charitable endeavors by selling high-quality pre-owned items at a market price, and they use that money to help their clients. In that case, it’s better for the charity and its clients for the goods to be sold to whoever can afford the market price.

              Additionally, some resale shops sell items that actually have a fairly low market price. The reasonable market for those items are people who can’t afford to pay more, and who want the item on offer. This is what you are calling “leftovers.”

              If you want to provide good-quality items to people who can’t afford the market price, there are a lot of ways to do that that DON’T imitate regular commerce. Setting up a retail shop with artificially low prices and relying on the honor system for people to means-test themselves as to whether they could (and therefore should) pay more elsewhere, is futile. If you want a means-tested system where expensive things go to poor people (which I would support), then you need to set that up. Don’t ask your charity retail shop to something that it can’t possibly do.

        2. nep*

          Indeed–the savvier the folks at these stores, the less chance of getting super valuable pieces for a song. And hey, more power to them. The more they know, the more they can make for their cause. It’s all a great exchange. We are curators.

      3. nep*

        Yep. That’s how it works for many. (The thrift stores–unless they’re specifically consignment–are getting the items donated.) Thrill of the hunt, and all that. Welcome to the world of reselling.

        1. AGD*

          Seriously, I’m a thrifter and I know a bunch of people who resell (a few who look for items, and one who keeps a lookout for outdated/damaged knitted sweaters and then unravels, cleans, and repackages the yarn). Once you buy it, you can do what you want with it, and capitalism has pretty much everyone on the alert all the time for ways of adding income.

          1. nep*

            Absolutely.
            And when something in the thrift shop lands in the hands of someone who can use it, that’s less textile waste in a landfill–better for everyone.

            1. AGD*

              I do a fair amount of upcycling/refashioning and try to rescue and reinvent things likely to be thrown out – but the turnover rate at big thrift shops is so intense that unless you go every single day, no one person can be more than a drop in the bucket.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Unless you’re representing that it’s a particular thing that you’re not sure about, why don’t you price it as if it were at the high end, and see what the response is? If you get crickets then you’ll know you priced it too high. Be sure that your description and photos are completely accurate.

    4. ...*

      Armani never sold well at the consignment store I worked for. Can you do the thing where you list it for a dollar and people make offers?

  46. moql*

    Ethics of bra shopping in a corona world?

    My current bras are all worn out, and the style I’ve been buying for years is discontinued. As much as I would love to I can’t get away wearing sports bras at work, and I am essential so bras are essential too.

    Can I ethically go to a store and try bras on? Everything is completely open in my state and cases are low but that’s more due to luck than because my fellows are being careful and we are probably headed for another spike.

    Do I have to suck it up and put $$$$ on my credit card and hope I can return the ones that don’t fit before the bill is due? I have odd shaped breasts so I will probably have to try a lot before I find something that works for me. Brands like third love don’t address the specific type of “weird shape” so it tends to be very hit or miss.

    1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I think as long as you wear a mask and try to keep away from people it’s no worse than going to the supermarket. Use hand sanitizer, etc.

    2. Fulana del Tal*

      The problem you may run into is that a lot of stores have closed their fitting rooms, the stores are allowing people to return items easily though. In your situation I would verify the return policy before buying, as someone who needs to try on bras I know your pain.

      1. pancakes*

        That makes a lot of sense — call ahead or check websites to be sure fitting rooms are open.

        Figleaves dot com has good sizing info & search options, might be worth a look.

    3. Summersun*

      I would start by measuring yourself using the calculators on ABraThatFits to see what size you need, and learn the descriptions (projection, fullness, root size and shape). By being able to describe your shape in words, you can get recommendations from specialty stores over the phone. I have shopped exclusively online since doing this, because once you have the basics down, you can fine-tune the details (gore placement, cup shape, etc.) by trying on at home.

      I shop at Bare Necessities and love their customer service, but have also successfully used HerRoom and…another store I can’t seem to find in my e-mail or through searching. Dang it. Will reply to myself if I find it.

      Links to follow.

      1. Summersun*

        ABraThatFits Beginner’s Wiki: https://www.reddit.com/r/abrathatfits/wiki/beginners_guide

        ABraThatFits Shape Guide: https://www.reddit.com/r/ABraThatFits/wiki/shape_guide

        For reference, UK sizing is commonly used for specialty bras (meaning non-common sizes, shapes, etc.) because it’s considered more accurate than US sizing, so make sure you know what each brand uses to avoid mismatches. There are conversion explanations in the wiki.

        Also, sister sizes are pushed by a lot of retailers, but they often don’t work. I’m below the usual size range (30F) so stores constantly try to push me into sister sizes, but they don’t fit me right and I refuse to do it. Once you learn what fits you, stick to your guns.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      If you have a Nordstrom near you, I think you can make an appointment with someone to help you with the fitting and then bring you bras to try on. It cuts down on what you have to touch. I’m in a low risk state as well and not doing any shopping trips that aren’t necessary, but this sounds like it is necessary for you.

    5. Fellow Traveler*

      Are there any boutique bra stores near you ? I feel like that would be a good option because the salespeople there will fit you properly and it is probably pretty low risk going there vs going to a big box store. It will probably be more expensive, but I will say I finally got properly fit for a bra when I was 40 and the difference it made in comfort and look was amazing.

    6. ...*

      Its totally fine to shop for the clothing you need to live your life! follow the guidelines and respect anyone who asks you to keep distance, and don’t go when youre sick. You’re fine! Good luck bra shopping haha god knows its needed when trying to find a good bra

    7. Tortally HareBrained*

      Soma has a “Fancy” bra that pairs with an app that helps measure size and which bras in their line may fit you. If you order it with a bra it’s free or I think like $50 on its own. Since they’ve been my go to brand I ordered it with a stretchy sleep bra at the beginning of the pandemic and then followed up with ordering new replacements. I also like this because I’ll have it as I lose/gain weight which happens often.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Yes, you can ethically buy what you need to be clothed and comfortable.

      Wear a mask, don’t go if you know you were exposed or have fever/symptoms. Don’t get in people’s space.

      The risk of transmission from casually passing people in a store is very low. Contact tracers use 15 minutes in close proximity to an individual as the threshold for tracing an exposure.

    9. SunnySideUp*

      I just went through the torment of shopping for bras online. I did manage to find not one but two styles that fit me — no small feat since I am a generous cup size that usually isn’t offered in B&M stores.

      I shopped FullBeauty and Soma. FB netted me an all-microfiber “comfort” bra w/underwire that’s perfect for my WFH life, plus a more structured minimizer.

    10. KR*

      I ran into this issue buying a motorcycle helmet, which is of course very personal and in your face. Mine was far too old to the point where it was unsafe and didn’t protect me at all, so I just could not wait. The store I went to sanitized all the helmets after I tried them on and I kept my mask on as much as possible except when the helmet ripped it off. I say go forth, keep your mask on, use hand sanitizer, and try on bras! Maybe have your measurements handy so you can get an idea of what sizes to try on to minimize the amount of bras you go through.

  47. Warning: Pet loss mentioned*

    We had three cats – 14, 16 and 18 years old, all adopted as kittens. The 16-year-old died suddenly over the summer; we took her to the vet for what we thought was a minor illness and a week later she was gone. It was devastating. The other two are fortunately healthy. They definitely mourned the loss but seem back to their old selves now. The 18-year-old (male) is super talkative and playful, the younger one (female) is solitary – she will sleep next to him on the bed while I’m working and sit on the back of the armchair over my shoulder but doesn’t really play. I’d like us to return to being a three-cat household but would prefer a kitten and my spouse is concerned that adding another cat (of any age) would have a negative effect on the other two. Is there anyone who has been in this situation and can offer advice? I’ve read that you should get two kittens so they can play together and not annoy the older cat(s) but that isn’t a possibility for us. Thanks!

    1. Cat and dog fosterer*

      If you can’t get two kittens then I would either get an older (at least a year old) cat, or wait until you have one cat and then get two kittens. Kittens are so obnoxious on their own, and you would be at risk of having a miserable kitten who didn’t have a rambunctious friend, and two older cats who hate the annoying newcomer.

    2. CatPerson*

      We got a kitten when the *youngest* of our three cats was 10! Everything was fine. In fact, we think that the shyer older cats came out of her shell a bit.

    3. Double A*

      So we have two older cats (16 and 12ish) and adopted a kitten this summer. Honestly, he is rather hard on the older cats. They don’t want to play, and he does want to play, and he doesn’t really back down. He is also completely unphased by any negative reinforcement of any sort, which is kind of unusual. He is the most unafraid cat I’ve ever met. Like, no instinct for self preservation whatsoever.

      I do think he would have done better with another kitten, but we do not want more than 3 cats, and we got him in large part to have a cat that would adapt to our toddler, which has gone GREAT. Since he’s not scared of anything they are great buds.

      But I think if got a somewhat more timid kitten it would be a better fit for older cats. The kitten will be fine without having another kitten companion, but he will probably big the older cats. And I hate to say it but with an 18 year old cat it really might not be too long until you have another opening and it might be better to hold off and get a pair

      2. Warning: Pet loss mentioned*

        Thanks; that is helpful. Our 18-year-old wants to play ALL the time (he wants to ‘wrestle’ and also loves his soft toys with bells inside) and the 14-year-old won’t play with him, so spouse and I spend a lot of time doing it! But I guess there is no way to know whether he would accept/enjoy a kitten playmate or just likes playing with us.

        1. StrikingFalcon*

          Could you try fostering? That would give you a sense of how they’ll react without a necessarily permanent addition. You could always keep the kitten if it goes well.

    4. What the What*

      The chances of there being a negative impact on your two current cats is much higher than this having a positive impact. The most likely scenario is that your solitary 14 year old female will hate the kitten because it will constantly be invading her personal space and your 18 year old will find the kitten to be too rough and may wind up getting bullied.

      The scenario that you’re hoping for is far less likely: That the kitten will leave the 14 year old alone and the 18 year old will like the kitten and play with it. You’re not even really hoping for an upside for your 14 year old. The best you’re really hoping for is a neutral impact. That’s not really a great position to start from.

      If you must add another cat, it should not be a kitten. In fact, socially, a cat who is 10+ years of age is most likely to be the best fit.

  48. Casey*

    People with wavy-curly hair (2B-2C, if you subscribe to texture type theory), what’s your favorite shampoo-conditioner brand that’s relatively widely available? I try to avoid sulfates and silicates, but don’t religiously follow the Curly Girl method. Also, I wash my hair every 1-2 nights.
    Brands I’ve tried:
    Love Beauty Planet — I like them, but I’m not in love with them. Any curls last only about 30 minutes after air-drying, but the waves are fairly consistent.
    Shea Moisture — Probably my favorite. Definitely bring out more curls, and they last longer, but not as long as I want.
    Maui Moisture — Very bad. I’ve been trying it for the last couple weeks and my hair looks and feels miserable.

    2. maddieee*

      I use the Not Your Mother’s Naturals Curl Defining shampoo and conditioner. It’s got a really long name but it’s there one in the hot pink bottles. I really like it. It keeps my hair from looking greasy immediately after a wash, but it also doesn’t dry my wavy/curly hair out.

      1. Filosofickle*

        The pink line, tahitian gardenia mango butter whatever, is a solid option. It seems to be good for manageability / low-frizz, but does weight down my hair. (I’m 2b/c, fine, dense, low-porosity.) I’ve pulled it back out of the cabinet lately though, because it doesn’t have protein or coconut. The dry summer heat is killing my hair and those ingredients have been a problem recently.

        There is a second curl line from NYM, the Curl Talk (purple line) that a lot of people love. My hair absolutely hated it, though, rejected it immediately. Probably because it DOES have protein.

      2. KR*

        Ok I have been using this too and I absolutely love it! It works as a quick leave in and as a conditioner. I don’t use the shampoo – for shampoo I use the OGX Tea tree and mint shampoo, but I also don’t wash my hair more than once a week. But I condition every day and this product is my new favorite.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      I also have 2B-2C hair, and I’ve been getting pretty good results with the Shea Moisture brand. How long are your curls lasting? My hair is very short now and I hit it with some Mane Club cream and that’s about it, mine last for days.

    4. C Average*

      I’m a big fan of Twisted Sista. Their intensive leave-in conditioner is the best I’ve ever used. It’s reasonably priced and available at the grocery store.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I use OGX, I get it at Target. Sometimes the tea tree version, sometimes the keratin (I color my hair), depending on the situation. My hair likes them both equally, my scalp prefers the tea tree, so that’s the one I usually get.

  49. Courageous cat*

    What do you eat for lunch that’s healthy and easy and not a salad?

    I struggle with salads. I struggle with getting the right amount of dressing on them, I struggle with finding the right dressing at all, and I don’t really like many toppings unless they’re unhealthy.

    Looking for recommendations. It’s easy to cook meat and veg for dinner, but not so much for lunch.

    1. nep*

      Do you like quinoa, couscous, or amaranth? It’s something you can put on the stove and leave it till ready to heat/eat. I love mixing in some kind of mashed beans.
      I sometimes eat oatmeal for lunch. Might be boring, but sometimes it hits the spot.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I just got a rice cooker – do you think I can cook those other grains in there too?

        I have a fun idea for oatmeal I discovered recently: Chrissy Teigen just put out a recipe for cacio e pepe oatmeal on her Cravings website that I highly highly recommend. Never thought I’d be into savory oatmeal, but it’s like a heartier, probably healthier, and more sophisticated version of cheese grits.

        1. pieforbreakfast*

          Cous cous you add boiling water to, cover and let sit for 10 minutes, no heat needed. Other grains like bulger, Farro, millet cook like rice so the cooker should work.

        2. nep*

          I’ve long been fascinated by Maggi seasoning, my first exposure to which was overseas (I’m in U.S.). Imagine my surprise when a friend and I were having oatmeal with his mom one morning and she asked him to get the Maggi out of the cupboard for her oats. That was a first for me, but I gather it’s common for some.

    2. Casey*

      My college was tiny and weird and our only “dining hall” was just a guy and his family who made box lunches for $5 every day. I miss that guy. But anyway, almost every lunch is three things: a bed of rice, vegetables, and a protein. The proteins vary wildly and could be anything from a chicken cutlet to pulled pork to tempura shrimp to sausage and peppers. Vegetables were typically green beans or a mix of corn, carrots, and broccoli (they definitely could have upped their game here). And although I at first balked at the idea of pulled pork on rice, that formula is such a great way to get a filling, nutritious meal. You could definitely tweak it to be quinoa instead of rice, play with proportions, etc. to get a little healthier. Mainstream meal prep is a little much for me (I cannot eat the same thing five days in a row.) but I think it’s great for getting ideas for stuff I can make for a couple days at a time.

      Also, I totally get the salad thing. Right now, the only salad I really make for myself or eat is a chopped chicken Caesar salad, and that’s getting a little old now. But if you haven’t tried chopping your salads, it makes a world of difference. One day my sisters saw me chopping my salad and made (loving) fun of me, but within two months all three of them had tried chopping their salads and texted me to tell me I was right.

    3. T. Boone Pickens*

      I usually drink a smoothie made with a mix of berries/spinach/chia seeds/greek yogurt + bonus stuff. I too, am not a big lunch person so I’ve been drinking these for the past month and it works out well. I was worried about ‘smoothie integrity?’ but I usually make them around 4 hours before consuming and store them in a Yeti-like tumbler and they seem to hold up just fine.

    4. ThatGirl*

      Are you eating at home? Honestly I stick a bunch of veggie heavy frozen dinners and easy to heat things in the freezer to heat up. Soup is also good in the cooler months, either canned or frozen or made ahead and reheated. I’ve been on a spicy ramen kick, I add lots of veggies to make it healthier.

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I usually have leftovers from the previous nights dinner (extra food made specifically for that purpose)

      1. Jackalope*

        Yeah, this is my go-to as well. Making sure to cook an amt that will leave me with left-overs so I don’t need to do anything other than heat up my food is so nice. I can eat a real meal that doesn’t involve cooking while I’m in the middle of my work day.

    6. Red haired runner*

      Do you have access to a microwave/stove at lunch? I’m a big fan of vegetable soup, a sandwich on multigrain bread and some fruit on the side. It’s a filling balanced meal.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Of late, I have been having mixed fresh veggies that I have cooked in one big pot. My mix varies. This week it is summer squash, zucchini, peppers, carrots and celery. I try to put different colors in there to help with the visual appeal.

      I also have gotten into pastas made from veggies. Some of them are really good. I like Wow and Banza (sp?).

      My lunch meat is usually something that I could have used for dinner. This week so far it’s turkey breast. But I will have a different meat for dinner. I just keep it very simple.

    8. pancakes*

      Do you mean no green salads or no salads at all? Lentil, chickpea, or bean salads with a simple vinaigrette keep well and are easy to add leftovers or produce to. Chickpeas / avocado / sliced cherry tomatoes / a few shreds of prosciutto or whatnot, for example. I’m not sure what you mean about struggling with dressings, but a drizzle of good oil & squeeze of citrus works fine there.

    9. Courageous cat*

      Thanks for these suggestions so far! Grain bowls are a great idea but are unfortunately (usually) out because that is my other dinner format. I am really struggling to find combinations of healthy food I like to eat. Now, I *could* eat a grain bowl for lunch and then dinner, but my relationship with food is already so precarious that I’m worried about overdoing it and getting sick of it.

      My hope is that eventually I like healthy, clean food just as much as stuff like pizza, and can eventually eat certain things all day every day just like I can eat pizza all day every day. SIGH.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I hoped for that also- liking the good foods as much as the junk food.

        That did not really go that way. What I ended up liking was having more energy, more mental clarity, and more physical strength. I had almost NO sick days and I liked that also.
        The other thing that came forward for me is that a body with proper nourishment does not want to eat all day. A friend who is not the least bit interested in foods, said to me, “There is something wrong with a food when eating it makes you want more and more.” Yeah, really. When we eat we should become naturally full and then have no desire to eat more because we have the nutrients we need ATM.

      2. CastIrony*

        I just like heating shredded cheese on top of spinach in a microwave for two minutes, then season with black pepper.

    11. Summersun*

      I do deconstructed salads. Just chop a bunch of raw veg to finger-food size/shape, like you’re making a crudité party tray. (Skip the lettuce, it’s a hassle.) Add an easy protein, like a hardboiled egg or a pouch of tuna. If you want a pretty presentation, this all fits nicely in a bento box.

      I also like veggie-heavy egg-white frittatas for lunch. I do IF and don’t eat breakfast, so “breakfast food for lunch” lets me mix things up. A big batch freezes nicely and can be reheated in the microwave on the fly.

    13. PX*

      Someone else said it, but what are you counting as salad? For me personally, couscous, potato or pasta salads are quite often my go to meals. Again, same question on the dressing – finding the right dressing pretty much just means trying lots of different ones. What flavours do you like? What kind of dressings do you usually make? Are you including things like pesto or not?

      Other lunch alternatives: sandwiches, wraps, frittata, roast vegetable salad, dinner leftovers.

      It sounds to me like a good idea would be for you to find a food blog or recipe website with things that fit your criteria and then work your way through their catalogue or just use that as inspiration for yourself to use existing ingredients in different ways. I find BBC Good Food is always a good starting point. And even though Im personally trying to avoid Conde Nast because #racism, it sounds like Healthyish might be a good website for you to check out.

    15. ...*

      I eat a lot of meat cheese and veggie sandwiches or egg sandwiches. not the pinnacle of health but serviceable and taste great to me

    17. Girasol*

      A nice thick soup made on the weekend and ladled into canning jars to be stored in the fridge and microwaved throughout the week.

    18. Me*

      We do leftovers too but I’m getting better at not cooking as much at dinner so I’m making more lunches.

      I love white bean hummus with rosemary. It’s a pretty simple homemade recipe, and I spread it on a piece of toast and top it with a sliced/sautéed mushroom. That plus some chopped fresh veggies and a bit of fruit is my go-to lunch right now.

      Or I’ll make a big pot of veggie soup and have that for lunch. Or make a frittata or a quiche.

      DH and I both wfh now, so I’m always cooking lunch.

    19. Lemon curdle*

      A favourite for me is falafel, hummus, pita bread and whatever extras I fancy (eg red cabbage, chopped chilli peppers, pickles, etc).

    20. Firefly*

      I love fruit, especially berries. I buy a big bag of frozen mixed berries, and then every day for lunch I have about two cups of berries, some muesli, and some plain yogurt.

  50. beancat*

    My husband and I wanted names that went together since our boys were brothers. We’re both big nerds so we debated for a while what fandom to get the names from.

    Finally, I remembered The Road to El Dorado and how much I enjoyed it as a kid. “What about Miguel and Tulio?” Husband shrugged and said sure. Now I can’t think of better names for them.

    Other than the nicknames they constantly get. “Miimii!” “Come here Tuli…” “Stimky! Mommy loves you!” “Ohhhh, Chomby~”

    Husband is not as amused after all the hullabaloo to pick their names, hahaha.

    2. TX Lizard*

      I thought you were talking about human children and imagining you calling a toddler stimky and chomby! Ha! Thanks for the laugh

  51. ThatGirl*

    Speaking of dogs… our dog is driving us nuts. He’s a rescue and roughly 9 years old. We’ve had him for over 6 years and he’s great 95% of the time, but this year has been a challenge. He had a hard time adjusting to us being home all day, then went through a peeing in the house phase, then had a seizure and was nearly perfect for a month or so. Now he’s starting to whine in his crate (he sleeps in his crate in our room) at 4:30 or 5 am making it very hard to sleep! It’s not every morning or at a consistent time. For awhile we’d put his crate out in the hall but now he freaks out and cries and whines like he’s being tortured. Taking him out of his crate means he wanders the room and won’t settle down. I’m gonna try limiting his water before bed in case it’s his bladder, but any other ideas?? Spritzing him with a spray bottle when he whines used to work, but it doesn’t seem to anymore. Ughhh.

    1. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I definitely recommend removing water a few hours before bed, and then going out for a short walk at bedtime.

      When he whines at 5am what do you do? I would bring him out for a quick pee then recrate him. If that doesn’t work then it’s more complicated, which sucks!

      1. ThatGirl*

        This morning I got fed up and took him out at 6 and he peed profusely, but kept whining once back inside.

        1. Venus*

          Sounds like it’s more than a need for a washroom break (not a surprise, but that makes it harder).

          I have no issues with removing water for the night (if a dog is sleeping then it shouldn’t want to drink a lot). I have found that dogs who are anxious in the crate don’t care at all if they are sprayed with water or a noise is made. It doesn’t seem to worsen their anxiety, but I was told by trainers to try both and quickly realised it never works. I don’t think it’s cruel, but I have never had it work. In my case it was to deal with separation anxiety barking, which is so prevalent in foster dogs especially right now, and what I did was crate training where I went away for longer periods of time and reward with kibbles (when I was working at my office before March I would just crate them all day and let them bark – it sucked but better than being dead).

          It sounds like the dog is stressed whether in the crate (whining) or out (pacing). CBD (anything from a pet store should be fine) is a good option, as is exercise. If he doesn’t want to move then daycare might be worth trying. If he only walks for a few blocks (tires after a block, 3-4x a day) then he’s not moving much. The other way is to do new tricks, to tire out his brain. Doing the old tricks before bed isn’t exercising his brain. If you have two people who can have him run back and forth then that would help with the exercise, as suggested below. I know the routine has worked well up until now, but it stopped so time to try new things.
          Anxiety is the hardest thing. Good luck!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      My dog had a random thing, where he had to go out at 5 am. Every day. For whatever reason, that stopped as suddenly as it started. But for many months, if I was not up at 5, I would have to get up anyway.
      I assume he is on a seizure med? You could check that for strange side effects. Or you could ask the vet about kidney issues.

      My last dog was very good about being home alone for quite a while. But as he got older he grew more and more concerned about being separated from us. I think when I started being home more is when it really kicked in. And he suddenly became afraid of thunder also. That was a change.

      1. ThatGirl*

        He’s not on seizure meds, the vet said it was likely a one time thing, and wouldn’t need meds unless they happened regularly. I think they checked his kidney function but I’ll have to find the paperwork.

    3. pancakes*

      What’s the problem, exactly, with the dog wandering around while you sleep? I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of taking away a dog’s water in an effort to take away its need to pee, particularly when it seems to be distressed. Both are essential bodily functions. Please consult a vet.

      1. ThatGirl*

        The problem isn’t that he wanders, it’s that he whines and wants to come up on the bed, but not stay on the bed. It disrupts our sleep. Honestly I think he has anxiety issues, please trust that I know my dog better than you do.

        I’m not talking about depriving him of water completely! Just limiting it after his nightly walk. He’d have plenty during the day.

        1. pancakes*

          If you were feeling anxious, would your mood improve if someone took away your access to water? I understand that you know your dog better than any of us can, but nonetheless think it’s more likely this would add to the dog’s discomfort rather than alleviate it.

          1. valentine*

            it’s more likely this would add to the dog’s discomfort rather than alleviate it.
            As would spraying him when he’s upset. Poor guy.

            Is he restricted to the foot of the bed, but wants cuddling? If he naps well, I’d try to duplicate the circumstances.

            1. ThatGirl*

              Spritzing a dog with water is a very mild deterrent to misbehavior. It doesn’t hurt him. And he doesn’t want to cuddle, he won’t settle down if we let him out. He just whines. Trust me, we’re not mean dog parents.

                1. ThatGirl*

                  A brief spritz from a spray bottle is mean? How on earth. It’s not waterboarding! If it’s ok for cats, why is it mean for dogs?

                3. blaise zamboni*

                  @ThatGirl – some of us think spraying cats is mean too! :)

                  Our pets can only communicate with us in so many ways, which are often received by us as “misbehavior” as if they are just trying to be annoying instead of trying to tell us something. If you wouldn’t spray a toddler with water for crying or screaming then I’m not sure why you’d spray an animal for doing the same. But you are entitled to do what you like with your own pets.

                  I have no doubt at all that you know your dog and have his best interests at heart. This sounds like a tough problem and I hope you find a solution soon. I think he probably needs a vet visit, especially given your update that he is still whining hours after waking you up in the morning. Sending my best to you both – hopefully he is healthy and just needs a behavioral/routine change to address this.

        2. Black Horse Dancing*

          Spraying with water isn’t good for cats either. Your dog seems to have anxiety or is in distress somehow. Stomach pain, arthitis, etc. all can cause issues. Perhaps a Kpng with frozen peanut butter can help.

          1. ThatGirl*

            He’s definitely anxious, and a Kong wouldn’t last overnight (nor does he chew much), but thanks for the input.

    4. Natalie*

      Possibly too obvious of a question, but have you talked to your vet? Suddenly house soiling, etc could easily have a medical cause rather than behavioral.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I’ve consulted with our vet a lot, the peeing inside stopped after the seizure thankfully. I’m not opposed to talking to her again, but I wanted to see if the hive mind had any ideas. It seems like more in a long line of anxiety related behavior this year.

        1. Natalie*

          Sure, but it could really be both – anxiety could easily be a symptom of a medical ailment or he’s anxious about some other symptom like discomfort. So I might keep investigating with your vet, or get a second opinion.

          In general, I don’t think aversives like spraying are effective for anxiety responses. It’s a feeling, not a behavior, and you can’t condition or counter condition feelings. You’re not a monster or anything for having tried it for the whining, but at this point I think it’s clear that it’s not helping at best. I might look into other methods for helping dogs feel secure. We had good results with a thundershirt, that might be worth trying if you haven’t already.

    5. AvonLady Barksdale*

      CBD! We started giving our anxious buddy CBD and hemp treats and it helped a bit. We know some people who put oil in their dog’s water.

      This is area- and budget-dependent, but a few weeks into lockdown we upped our doggy daycare stays from one day a week to two. Really helpful for his anxiety, which suffered from having us around too much. If that’s an option, I recommend it.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Do you have any brand recommendations? There are a lot of choices out there.
        I suppose we could swing daycare, but it seems unnecessary, he’s generally fine during the day and sleeps for most of it.

        1. Millicent*

          If he’s sleeping most of the day, that could be why he’s waking up so early. We send our dog to daycare not just for his anxiety when left alone, but for the exercise. Running around all day means he sleeps very well that night and the next morning.

          1. Natalie*

            Eh, dogs are crepuscular (most active at dawn or dusk) so it’s not unusual for them to sleep a lot during the day and at night.

    6. Dan*

      My dog was one years old when we got him from a relative, and the first couple of nights, we kept him in a crate in the kitchen. He barked *all night long, constantly*. If I couldn’t get this figured out in a week, his tenure would be very short. (Apartments with constantly barking dogs don’t go over very well.) I had an idea that thankfully we worked. At the place he used to stay before mine, his sleeping room was *dark*. So I put a blanket over his crate. That worked like a charm, turns out he really likes his dark space. Several years ago, I moved his crate to the closet, and he sleeps like a charm in the dark closet. The funny thing is, the dog is generally super quiet and doesn’t bark at anything. Like, we’ll go a week without him making a peep. He’ll sit in the open window and watch the world go by, and not get bothered by other dogs of neighborhood kids. So to reflect on all that barking back then, he must have been really disturbed about something.

      So if his crate is an open area, I’d suggest covering it so it feels more like a den and see what that does.

    7. Me*

      Have you considered upping his exercise? You mentioned that he sleeps a lot during the day. Maybe he will sleep more if you wear him out a bit before bed.

      A walk would be good of course, but if you’re already doing that maybe consider some puppy calisthenics. For our dog, I can wear him out with about five minutes of “training” that involves a lot of sit, down, stand, sit, stand, down, move around a bit to a different room and do a bunch more. It takes a lot out of a dog to get up from the down position multiple times.

      We do some puppy tennis when it’s too wet out to get real exercise. Treat or toy works. Two people, standing 10-20 feet apart (whatever works in your space). Call dog, give treat. Other person calls dog, he runs over, gets treat. No treat if he starts to predict (if he runs without being called, nope on the treat.) More family members is fun too. Can make him lay down for the treat on some of the back and forth.

      My pup will sleep from about 9-7 on the weekends but gets up earlier during the week because we get up earlier. His bladder is mature so he doesn’t need to get up and go. I’ve been known to let him out of his kennel around 5 so he can snuggle with us for a bit. Whining wouldn’t get him out.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I would gladly take him on long walks, but he doesn’t last very long, he’s slow and sniffs everything and seems to tucker out after a block or so. We do walk him 3 or 4x a day, though. Our yard is not fenced so it’s always a short leashed walk. I do give him treats every night for tricks (shake, reach for the sky, turn around, etc). We’ve had the same routine for years, and this early morning whining only started in the past month. (Ideally, we’d absolutely let him out for quiet snuggles, but that hasn’t worked recently.)

    8. Amy*

      I think there are some good suggestions here already, but I have one more to add, having been in a similar situation with my own dog. Assuming your dog has been checked out by the vet and it’s not medical, it does sound like he may have some crate anxiety. If you haven’t already, you want to make sure your dog’s crate is as happy and relaxing as possible – comfy bed, toys, maybe a Kong filled with frozen peanut butter before bed (though this won’t last until 5am). And as others have said, no more spraying your dog with water while he’s in the crate. That will only increase his anxiety about being stuck in there.

      If all else fails, ask your vet about a prescription for Trazodone, which is an anti-anxiety med that tends to work really well for dogs in crate confinement. I have dog who is a similar age and also has some anxious behaviors, particularly since we have been stuck at home due to COVID. Similar to your dog, she gets upset if we move the crate outside the bedroom, paces the room if we let her out, and whines/pants if we keep her in. She wasn’t always like this, and she’s an angel during the day, but she had a Very Bad Night during which she got bad diarrhea in the crate overnight and after that she developed this crate anxiety. I started giving her a low dose of Trazodone a few hours before bed and she slept like a baby all night. Over a few weeks I tapered the dose down and now she’s back to her regular self, no longer anxious in the crate. It was just enough to get her over the hump. I know a lot of people are averse to “drugging” their dogs but ultimately I felt it was the kindest thing – imagine how scary and sad it is to be freaking out in a cage every night!

      I wish you luck – anxiety issues can be frustrating, especially when it’s interfering with everyone’s sleep.

      1. ThatGirl*

        He’s always been comfortable in his crate before – six years! – but I do appreciate the suggestion and will give it some thought. It’s the same bedding and toys that have been in there all along and he goes in willingly. It’s just at 5:30 am he starts whining. I should note that it’s now 8:30 here, he’s been out of his crate and outside and had food and water offered and he’s still whining, just quietly upstairs.

        1. Me*

          I’d consider taking to the vet. He may have an infection that needs clearing up. If he is needing to go outside more often that could possibly indicate something is wrong. It could cause him to whine too. Maybe get him checked out, as you said you weren’t opposed. Discomfort could cause him to whine.

        2. Natalie*

          Is it possible something scary happened when he was in the crate? (Possibly while you were sleeping or gone?) My understanding is that anxiety caused by a single event isn’t super common, especially with older dogs, but that doesn’t mean it’s totally unheard of. Maybe a little refresh on positive associations with the crate would help.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I’m not saying it’s impossible, but he only sleeps in there at night so I can’t imagine what it would be. I’ve checked his bedding, washed it, put a new cushier mat underneath, spritzed it with aromatherapy for dogs… I don’t really think the crate is the problem but we’ve tried all kinds of things.

    9. KR*

      I know one of my dogs just gets restless during the morning. She wakes up before us. Fortunately she can be trusted outside and loves hanging out there curled up on our patio chairs, so I will often let her outside when she gets up to hang out. Would more of a pre-bed workout help your buddy to help adjust his sleep cycle? Can you put a gate up on your bedroom door so he can wander outside your room, still see/smell you, but can’t bug you/wake you up? It also might just be a new thing that he needs a potty break every morning before you naturally wake up which sucks, I know. I’m always the one woken up by the dogs (my husband is still blissfully sleeping and I’m typing this so *shrug emoji * so I feel your pain.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I’d gladly let him wander the house if I thought it would help, but I don’t, and I can’t just let him hang out in the yard (no fence). It’s not so much the wandering as the whining – the noise wakes us up.

        I can certainly try a little longer walk and different tricks/play.

      2. Coffee time!*

        Your dog may be getting dementia too. Older animals get it. They wander etc. Have anxiety need constant communication with you do know where they are. And peeing more and earlier…happens to us all!

    10. Anonnington*

      I think the whining is a male dog thing – they want to wander and mark their territory. All the males I’ve lived with have done this. Sufficient exercise doesn’t satisfy them. It’s the roaming urge.

      I try to redirect my guy with toys. I also try to give him slightly more exercise than he needs. And I ignore him, and use training to give him structure.

      He’s actually whining right now. And we’re heading out for a walk!

  52. JKP*

    Something I just noticed this week, and now I see it everywhere, and it’s driving me nuts: TV characters who lay out a big elaborate meal, and then don’t eat it.

    The first show, I thought that it was strange and a one off. The characters had a big long conversation while laying out everything on the table, sat down, commented on how delicious everything looked, then one character asked if he could go outside and do some activity, and everyone went outside having not taken a single bite.

    Then in an entirely different series, a family had a long conversation at the kitchen island watching mom make breakfast. She handed each kid their plate, and as she handed off the last plate, she told them all they better hurry up and get ready for school before they miss their bus. They all ran out of the kitchen, food untouched.

    Now that it’s on my mind, I’ve seen a similar issue in just about every show I’ve watched this week, and I wonder how I never noticed it before. I assume they do it that way because if they shoot the scene a bunch of times, they don’t want to eat a ton of food, and they don’t want to redress the set with uneaten food over and over again, possibly the food is prop food and inedible. But they could end the shot as people begin to eat, and then cut to the next scene, leaving the impression that the food was eaten.

    What TV glitches snap you out of your suspension of disbelief?

    1. lazy intellectual*

      Yeah I don’t get this! When I was watching Gilmore Girls, it drove me crazy how many times Lorelai and Rory would go to Luke’s (their local diner) for breakfast, order an entire pancake breakfast platter (bacon, eggs, the works), and literally as soon as it would arrive, Lorelai and Rory would be like, “time for work/school!”, walk off set, and end scene, WITHOUT TOUCHING THEIR BREAKFAST PLATTERS. It’s not just a waste of food, but a waste of money lol.

      Also, characters drinking out of what are clearly empty coffee cups.

      2. The Spinning Arrow*

        The clearly empty cups/mugs is mine. Drives me bonkers when I’m watching someone motion with a cup and all I can think is, “There would be liquid everywhere if there were any in that cup to start with,” lol!

      3. Jay*

        It’s because they think normal people eat like this. In the same way they think it is normal for a part time UPS driver to be able to support a family of four in what would be a five million dollar home and take vacations in Hawaii on a whim.
        And they can’t actually eat anything because they will use either fake food, food that has been sitting around for literally days, or looks good but is really inedible for some other reason, so that they do not have to remake the breakfast over and over for the many takes the shot requires.

      4. JKP*

        That’s so funny. I watched all of Gilmore Girls when the movie followup was released, and I don’t remember them not eating their meals. I never noticed how TV characters did this until just this week, and now it’s all I see in every show I’ve watched this week.

        1. ThatGirl*

          They’re also really bad about holding clearly empty coffee cups. You’d think props would at least weight them or put water in it.

      5. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        Another thing Gilmore Girls did that you can only see if you re-watch it, is that they gave the appearance of fall and spring by tying fabric leaf/flower garland from Michael’s in the trees, hung in vertical lines.

        I guess in the original resolution this looked like mottled changing/blooming trees (I certainly didn’t notice it on my tube TV in 2002) but in HD? It looked ridiculous.

      6. They Don’t Make Sunday*

        I read that Alexis Bledel always had Coke in her coffee cup because she doesn’t like coffee, and that knowledge ruined it a little for me.

        I do like that those characters are written as big eaters, to counter the usual “feminine” type, but this also of course sets up an impossible standard to pig out and look like they do. In an interview Lauren Graham once commented that her fridge is full of Myoplex shakes, and now I can’t forget that detail ever.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          I also found their food preferences very refreshing, because they are similar to mine. I feel like Rory’s situation can be justified with fast metabolism at her age (I was very thin in high school and most of college despite my terrible eating habits), but Lorelai is unrealistic! (Though I guess some people her age have fast metabolism.)

    3. Helvetica*

      The elaborate breakfast from which only a piece of toast will be hurriedly snatched up by a character dashing out, is a very recognized trope; I guess a dinner is similar.
      There are many things that characters on TV do that you’d never do in real life.
      My pet peeve is never closing the apartment door and then not addressing it at all – especially for like sex scenes which involve characters coming in from the outside, already making out and then straight to bedroom without either closing the door. You leave your apartment vulnerable!
      Phone calls are also so disbelievable – one, I don’t believe that nobody on a TV show has a ringtone. I know people often can have their phones on vibrate in real life but this especially irks me if the character is a police officer – you are meant to always hear your phone! You can’t be leaving it on vibrate! You should know better!
      And second under phone-specific issues is nobody finishing off phone calls properly, without goodbyes, or anything. Who raised you, honestly.

      1. A313*

        Leaving doors open behind you and never saying goodbye on the phone — both of these I always notice and am irked by. It’s not like either would take any real extra time, and it does pull me out of my “suspension of disbelief.”

      2. Nicole76*

        It’s funny how different our peeves can be, because I get annoyed when a cop is chasing a criminal and their phone starts ringing, thus letting said criminal know exactly where they are. I can’t help but think you’d want your phone on silent in those situations.

        Marty in Ozark has a ringtone, btw, and it’s not the standard Apple one which is refreshing, but I find the fact that his keyboard clicks is turned on quite obnoxious. I guess the writers think we’re too stupid to realize he’s texting (even with the text send/receive noise also turned on)?

        1. Ron McDon*

          Hubby and I are watching Ozark atm, and there was a whole scene with Marty and someone who was wearing a wire texting each other so their conversation was secret – but you could hear the very loud keyboard clicks from both phones! I said surely the FBI would realise they were texting each other when they listened to the tape?!

      3. JKP*

        The flip side of not closing the doors is that when a character closes and locks the door behind them, it’s hella foreboding. Something awful is about to happen! But in real life, everyone closes and locks the door behind them.

        1. Helvetica*

          Yes, exactly! I always lock my doors and also check them before bed but if you see that in a movie, a serial killer is about to murder someone.

    4. Lena Clare*

      Oh my gosh yes this drives me bonkers too, and I conversely love shows where they actually do eat the stuff in front of them. You can tell because the actors are talking with their mouths full (gross, but…).

    5. Lore*

      I hate the way gifts are wrapped on tv, with the lid and the box wrapped separately. Totally understand why—otherwise you destroy a prop with every take—but no human person has ever wrapped a box that way. Just use gift bags!

      1. Lcsa99*

        I have wrapped this way! I can’t remember why but my mother and I did it specifically for something or other.

      2. JKP*

        We wrapped all our presents this way growing up! Then we saved all the Christmas boxes along with the decorations in the attic and didn’t have to wrap every year, just tied the box closed with a ribbon and a bow. I never understood why other people needed to buy so much wrapping paper every year.

    6. Lcsa99*

      Ha! I love this

      I saw Underwater the other day and was so bothered just seconds into the movie that it was obvious Kristen Stewart’s character wasn’t using any toothpaste to brush her teeth. They didn’t even have her fake spitting. Why have her do that one particular thing when they couldn’t be bothered to make it more realistic. I mean she could have just washed her face.

    7. Summersun*

      I know clothing is a whole film issue unto itself, but I cannot stand seeing characters never repeat a coat. Not even the richest person treats a full-length lined wool coat like a disposable clubbing shirt from Zara.

      Wardrobe continuity issues also make me insane. My college roommate and I used to do a shots game while watching Buffy to spot where her shoes changed mid-scene. This will get you wasted.

      1. JKP*

        I love Buffy, but I’ve never noticed the shoes change. I’ll have to watch for it the next time I re-watch it. Do you think it’s because the shoes get dirty in the graveyard scenes?

        1. Summersun*

          That could be. Sometimes it’s a whole other style of shoe, sometimes it’s the stains not matching up. The absolute worst one is in the zombie mask episode, when she’s climbing a stepladder in the basement.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t watch too much tv any more but I remember the door bell always being so loud. It was next to the mic, I swear. I have never heard door bells that loud in real life.

      And the dinner dishes. The pattern always changes. These “families” must have a thousand sets of dishes in their kitchen.
      The dogs never have to go out. Why.

    9. No Tribble At All*

      When important information isn’t discussed for the sake of adding suspense to the plot. Happens all the time on Star Trek: “Captain, you’d better take a look at this” with no hint given as to what “this” is. I know no one wants to actually watch a whole incident report, but you can have *some* over-the-air communication, people!

    10. Bex*

      For me it’s 20 somethings living in giant apartments in high cost of living cities. Sometimes they live by themselves and have a spare bedroom! Hilariously unrealistic.

    11. Warm Weighty Wrists*

      Many years ago a friend of mine said “I can’t watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. People make jokes all the time and nobody else ever laughs at them or reacts.” And the scales fell from my eyes and I was never able to not notice that thing ever again. She cursed me.

    13. JKP*

      Does anyone else have close friends or neighbors who just walk in your place without knocking? Or hang out in your place while you’re gone without asking and then you get home from work and there they are reading a magazine? Maybe this is the result of none of the TV characters locking their doors.

    14. WellRed*

      OMG, this drives me crazy. Not even big meals, just they get their cup of coffee or what have you and then don’t drink it. The other thing is: Some shows I am in disbelief on the timing. Like, in Boston, you’d never get from point A to point B that fast.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        I think Criminal Minds? The Mentalist? had a few episodes in Texas where they started in Austin, heard about a murder in Amarillo, said, “Let’s go!” and were there by lunch, driving. And then got back to Austin for supper.

        And then did the same thing with El Paso the next day.

        I was screaming at the TV.

      2. londonedit*

        Late to the party, but this *always* happens in film/TV things set in London, and it drives me mad. A character will set out from their house in what looks like leafy west or north London, and walk to work, and all of a sudden there they are crossing Tower Bridge and going to their office. That’s MILES and no one would ever do it as a morning commute (especially not dressed in a smart skirt and heels!)

    15. TPS reporter*

      So true, what a waste! I always hope the set food is just props.

      Also when the characters have elaborate, deep personal conversations at work in the middle of a common room. With normal or even loud voices. Who shares that much at work let alone have time to have these very long non work conversations.

    16. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Continuity of injuries/scarring. At the end of one season of The Wire, one of the police had a gunshot wound to the chest with bandanges all over and a tracheostomy in her neck. Next season, she’s in a low cut tank top with no scars. In Breaking Bad, at least Walt always had his surgery scar when he was shirtless.

    17. Emily*

      I get really stressed out during car scenes when the driver isn’t watching the road! I always worry that the show/movie is foreshadowing a car crash, but it rarely is.

    18. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      As a train buff who lives in NYC, it drives me CRAZY when a subway system that is blatantly not the New York City subway system is passed off on a TV show or in a movie as the NYC subway.

      I still remember, I went on a whole rant about Spiderman 2 trying to pass off one of the lines of the elevated Chicago transit system as NYC’s R train — which is entirely underground– and that was just about the last straw for my girlfriend at the time. She was so frustrated that I couldn’t just suspend my disbelief.

      1. Lore*

        Also when people leave from grand central for interstate train rides (Amtrak routes, in other words). Yes, penn station is a hellscape and you wouldn’t want to shoot a movie there, but you cannot get to Washington DC on a train from grand central. Shoot in Philadelphia if you want scenic!)

    19. Incessant Owlbears*

      When people make a date for later, but they don’t bother to set the time or place, or even say that they will discuss the time and place. It’s just “Does Friday work? / Great, see you then.” But when? Will he pick her up? Where? Are they meeting at the place? Where is the place?? Uggggh I cannot stand it!

    20. Emma Woodehouse*

      My biggest ones are personal grooming related! Everyone has a super fresh haircut, manicures never have even a millimeter of space at the cuticle as if everyone in the scene got their no-chips yesterday, and even if it’s the literal apocalypse there’s not a lick of underarm hair.

    21. Double A*

      As a teacher, classroom scenes where the bell rings and the teacher has been in the middle of a lecture and they just yell about the test or homework as they kids leave. Like, in real life teachers are hyper aware of the bell and we are almost always doing some kind of wrap up at that point!

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Ah, you reminded me of another thing that drives me crazy on TV shows. The bell is always an old-fashuoned fire bell. I never once went to a school where the bell marking the end of a class period actually sounded like a bell. It was always an electronic-sounding beep or buzz. Never a bell sound. And this was in the 1980s and 1990s.

    22. Choggy*

      Yeah, I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s just a tv show, and it’s pure escapism because people DO eat, DO poop, DO sleep (without a full face of makeup!). And many people don’t have 50 different coats and 100s of shoes and other accessories. And you do actually have to workout to get the amazing, fit bodies that they seem to be able to so effortlessly maintain. What absolutely drives me crazy are the conversations that tv characters have which are incredibly unrealistic. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone in real life, unless they were a narcissist, who spoke at great length, and with great passion, about anything and everything that popped into their head.

      With regard to Gilmore Girls, I’m not surprised they never ate, they never shut up long enough to focus on eating! ;)

      But again, it’s just tv!

    23. Chaordic One*

      Borderline work related. I hate how on TV shows and movies their computers run so fast and instantly produce a result or locate someone’s address or location so they find someone and rescue them and I hate the cheesey fake computer graphics that are filmed or video-taped where they show the computer screen.

      The actors never just sit there with their computers displaying the little spinning wheel, or oh so slowly downloading something. Their computers never time out and they never get accidentally kicked out of a program. Their computers never crash. It’s just not very realistic.

        1. Felis alwayshungryis*

          Me! I always leave peppermint teabags in – then at the end you squeeze it out and get an extra pepperminty mouthful.

    24. Pocket Mouse*

      Animals making noises for no reason. Just because the camera shows a cat does not mean it needs to meow. We do not need to hear constant barking to understand a dog is present.

    25. Washi*

      When people just casually rest their hands in the “snow.” Real snow is cold and wet! No one I know just leans on a railing full of snow with bare hands.

      1. JKP*

        Interesting! I’ve never noticed that one. I’ll have to keep an eye out for the un-cold snow. I have noticed that when people shovel the snow, it never seems to be very heavy.

  53. nep*

    My favorite Tumblr site is no longer accessible w/o an account. But I’m able to look at other Tumblr sites. Anyone on Tumblr who can shed some light on this? Was there a recent change, or did this individual change her settings so only people with an account can view?

      1. nep*

        Thanks for the info, all.
        I’d looked at this one regularly for years, so I guess the person just recently changed that setting.

    4. Sam Foster*

      Beyond the private and NSFW settings the user controls, the Tumblr “filters” can deem a blog to be “adult” and force it in to a NSFW status.
      If you create an account (use a burner email), even if the Tumblr itself is accessible posts on it may be blocked for “violating community standards” which are arbitrarily enforced.

  54. curly sue*

    Shana tova u’metukah to Alison, and all who are celebrating today, despite the state of the world. What a strange, strange year. May 5781 treat everyone so much better than 2020 has been so far.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you! Happy new year to you also!
      The world sure could use a better year next year. Maybe if we each make a few improvements we’ll be in a somewhat better place for the new year. (I’m not thinking Lofty Ambitions! Any small action will count. Pandemics are not necessarily the time to over-extend ourselves.)

  55. dear liza dear liza*

    Does anyone have an induction stovetop?

    We currently have an old range with a not-great oven. As we were looking at models with convection ovens, we started thinking about induction stovetops. We know we’d have to buy new cookware (ours is not magnetic) but aside from that, any first-hand lessons learned? (We’d love to have gas but alas, that is not available in our area.)

    1. Helvetica*

      My parents do and it is great for how fast it is and how well it cooks. The one thing that is a bit annoying is that not all pots and pans will work on it, either do to material, or the size of the object. My dad had to stop using the stove-top espresso maker, because the diameter is too small, although the metal is suitable. These things would bug me, especially having to get new cookware.

    2. BRR*

      I’ve read that there can be a little bit of learning curve because people aren’t used to the precision of induction. When we were looking at homes though if there was an an electric stove, switching to an induction was basically a requirement for me since I believe it’s cheaper than converting to gas.

    3. JKP*

      My parents switched to induction and love it. I’ve cooked at their house, and I have a gas stove at home. I think it cooks a bit faster than my gas stove even. There were certain cookware pieces that they couldn’t find a good induction alternative for, however, so you might look through your current cookware and figure out if you can replace everything you love.

      Before they bought the full induction stove, they bought a little 1 burner induction hot plate for the counter top that plugged in the wall. They cooked on that induction burner for a few months while still using their old stove, so they could try out the induction burner before committing to switch the entire stove.

      1. dear liza dear liza*

        Fortunately, perhaps, we are not big cooks so the idea of “favorite” cookware is an odd one, lol. A big stock pot and a frying pan- we’re pretty much set.

    4. Reba*

      I got one a few months ago and we are obsessed! We love it so much!

      It’s made it possible to stir fry, something that was never awesome on our old electric. And it’s super fast at boiling water, pre-heating the griddle, etc. It does take some getting used to, like adjusting the sense of timing of familiar recipes because things really do go faster. We use cast iron and stainless cookware (which we already had, so replacement wasn’t a concern). Well worth the extra expense.

    5. Catherine*

      I had one in my previous apartment! Not as good as gas but a tremendous improvement over electric.

      If you spill anything use a soft cloth to clean it up; it’s surprisingly easy to leave permanent scratches with a sponge. Pots/pans weren’t that much more expensive for me to replace but an IH kettle was twice the price of regular.

    6. Lizabeth*

      I’ve got one in my parents house but I’m a dedicated gas stovetop person. My objections are these:
      I have a 12 inch cast iron skillet that is heavy enough it would break the cooktop if I dropped it – haven’t yet but…
      The stovetop gets pretty dirty quick – and it’s not the food but marks from the pans. Had to buy a special cleaner just for the stovetop (Lowes or HD has it – also good for cleaning the glass front of a gas fireplace) Also have to wait until the stovetop cools off to clean it.

      I plan to check the pricing of changing the induction over to a propane gas stovetop.

    7. Doctor is In*

      I tried one and had a hard time regulating the temperature. It was a separate one-burner job, I gave it away.

    8. SP*

      I do! I love love love it! Boils water so fast. The temp range on mine goes from simmer to boost with 5 in the middle. The settings below 5 include half numbers, and I find I rarely go above 6 unless I am boiling something. I find the temperature control quite good. Our smallest non-stick pan needs to be arranged just so, but it is pretty tiny.

      We were going to get gas and it would have been a relatively easy install but I am so glad we went with induction. It’s safer with the kids getting bigger and easier to deal with if I accidentally let the potatoes or pasta boil over.

      Also, our (convection) oven has a removable divider in it so we can only use the small part or cook dishes at different temperatures. I love that feature and only use the full oven when I’m doing a roast, basically.

    9. Jaid*

      FYI, there’s converter plates available to allow non magnetic cookware to be used on your stovetop. I got my BFF a Gourima GPH5930 Induction plate for hers and she loves it.

    10. allathian*

      I love ours! It’s a safe as electric and as quick as gas. It boils water almost as fast as our kettle and I love the precision. I do admit that cleaning it is a bit of a chore.

    11. JustEm*

      I love induction so much!! We used to have induction at an old house and it was the best of all worlds — fast, easy to clean, safe, responsive. Helps that our favorite pots and pans are compatible– we use a lot of cast iron, which works great on induction. We have a nice gas stove at our current house and I’m already dreaming about replacing with induction when it breaks. (Cooking is my main hobby so I use the stove a lot)

  57. anon & feeling conflicted*

    Hi everyone – this is just a quick thank you for the responses I got from a previous post – https://www.askamanager.org/2020/08/weekend-open-thread-august-8-9-2020.html#comment-3079313

    I really am thankful for this community, outside of the work-related help.

    I am still struggling with the unexpected grief my old friends passing had on me. I did mail a very short letter to his mom that said something like “I heard the news about Ferris. I remember him fondly, and am so sorry for you loss. Sending good thoughts your way.” – Anon I also made a donation to a cause he was passionate about and that the family mentioned in the obit.

    Nothing about my past regrets or past behavior; in the end I realized whether they threw it away when they saw the return address or they read it and just put it in a pile, or if they read it and though “anon has some nerve” it didn’t matter.

    2. Generic Name*

      Honestly, if you were very close to the family, and then behaved badly and then disappeared from their lives, I’d bet the first response would be relief that you are okay. It was a gracious letter to send, and I’d wager it brought some comfort.

  59. Tablet Recs*

    Does anyone feel strongly in favor of a specific tablet?

    My RCA Viking Pro no longer holds a charge and constantly freezes up/glitches. I use an iMac at home and a Macbook Pro for work, so an iPad seems to make sense, but…sticker shock. I would prefer not to go crazy on price because I am notorious for reading e-books in my soaking tub, and clumsy incidents have occurred. (The Viking Pro actually survived two drownings, in proud keeping with his name. One was my Maine Coon’s fault and I won’t hear otherwise.)

    Main uses: e-mail, web browsing, Kindle app, Hulu/YouTube, creative writing, job searching/professional development.

    I’m open to being convinced to stay Android or to go Mac. I’m also open to refurbished options, so if your HG tablet is an older model, I’m still interested in hearing why you love it.

    1. anon24*

      My tablet use is similar to yours, along with some light gaming. I’ve always gone with the Samsung Galaxy Tab line and have no complaints. I’ve had 3 now, and every time I’ve upgraded because I wanted to and not because I needed to – all 3 still work just fine and I still use one of the old ones as a music player connected to a Bluetooth speaker in my kitchen. My newest one is several years old now, holds a charge for a few days (way less if I’m watching videos of course), and has no run issues. Its also been accidentally flung across the room multiple times, stepped on more times than I can count, and had cats sleeping, jumping and stomping on it and aside from a few minor scratches on the back still looks brand new.

      1. OtterB*

        A Samsung Galaxy Tab was my first tablet and I liked it a lot. I replaced it with an iPad because of a communication app for my daughter with special needs that was only available for Apple, but for general reading/music/basic email and browsing use, the Samsung was great.

    2. TX Lizard*

      I recently was issued a Microsoft surface tablet at work (not the most current, I think 3-4 yes old) and I HATE it. It runs windows exactly like a desktop computer, just with a touchscreen. The camera is so bad and the interfaces aren’t designed for touch screen and popup keyboard. Maybe the newer ones are better, but I would not buy a Surface tablet based on the one I’ve used.
      Brb gotta go drink some tea and stop being grumpy about that awful tablet lol

    3. Red haired runner*

      My mom has had good luck with a kindle fire tablet. I’m not sure how it would be for writing, but it definitely checks all your other boxes.

      1. fposte*

        I will say that I have one for work reasons in addition to my iPad and I really dislike it—OTOH my colleague likes hers fine. I’m not somebody who rhapsodizes about the iPad, so I was really startled by how much the difference between the two annoyed me—the Fire just handles stiffly and jerkily. It ‘s returnable if you don’t like it, though, so I’d say just be aware of the return deadline in case you don’t.

    4. Jay*

      Honestly, if you are not doing any really heavy chores (nothing that requires a strong processor or GPU), and it sound like you are not, a Kindle Fire Tablet is just wonderful. I got mine a year ago, and my Mom just got one just like it. We both paid about $100.00 for them on sale (regular price, around $130.00).
      They are cheap, reliable, user friendly, have the Android OS, surprisingly powerful for the price, have a miro-sd slot for easy storage expansion, and, best of all, inexpensive enough for a guilt-free replacement every few years when/if they do wear out.

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        Agree – I have had a seven inch one and now a ten inch that has an HD screen nd they have worked well for applications you mentioned. I got the larger one last year around Christmas for $99.00. They also have Alexa so if you like the digital assistant, you will be all set.

  60. Ruth*

    Thank you to all who answered my June 20 question about dishwashers. We ended up getting a Bosch 100 series in stainless steel. We are very happy with price and quality. Thank you again.

    1. Lady Alys*

      Susan Cooper’s “the Dark is Rising” series. Five books, Arthurian and British folklore background, great writing. I discovered these in middle school, 40 years ago, so they predate HP by quite a while. (Just pretend the movie was never made.)

    2. allathian*

      Glad you enjoy your purchase, I love our Bosch. The only issue we’ve had with it since we bought it three years ago is that the little light that shows it’s running stopped working very early. And it’s so quiet that sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s on or not.

  61. Almost Academic*

    Tried to do some retail therapy this morning. New releases from a designer I love (Jamie Okuma) dropped this morning for purchase and were sold out within 7 minutes! Happy for the designed but definitely disappointed and kicking myself a little for not snapping the pieces up as fast as I apparently needed to.

    What purchases have you missed out on (for whatever reason) and still think about?

    1. nep*

      Not a big purchase, but many times I tried to get in on ace & jig’s swatch bundles but didn’t get there before they were sold out. A couple of months ago I got one, though.

    2. Esmeralda*

      Many many years ago I was at a resale shop. There was a beautiful chair upholstered in a buttery yellow fabric, a small chair (the clerk called it a lady-chair?!) that was instantly comfortable when I sat in it. I was a grad student, had very little money, could not justify buying a chair that I didn’t actually need. Went home. Thought obsessively about the chair for a couple hours. Decided I could just eat ramen for a month or two, to afford the chair. Went back, it was sold. Gone.

      I have never forgotten that beautiful little yellow chair. Or the lesson: if it makes your heart happy, it’s ok to get it.

      1. nep*

        Oh, I can relate. That’s a crazy sting. I hope you will find a similar or the same chair one day.
        Reminds me–one time when I was just getting over being pretty ill, I saw an impossibly soft robe in a resale shop. I was in hug-myself, comfort-myself mode. I really wanted to buy that robe. I didn’t; it was more than I’d usually spend for something like that. Went back the next day. I didn’t find it where it initially was hanging, but then saw it in a display. Bought it on the spot.
        May you find that little yellow chair.

    3. Not My Money*

      There was a beautiful dark red cabochon ring in a shop in New Orleans that I still regret not buying and it’s been 13 years. I could have afforded it but didn’t choose to spend the money. I recently looked up the shop and it’s no longer there.

      1. Uranus Wars*

        I have a similar story about a Civil War era ring (just a band). I could have afforded it at the time, but didn’t buy in. That was over 20 years ago and I STILL think about it.

    4. Texan In Exile*

      I tried on a pair of blue lizard Lucchese boots at a thrift shop.

      They fit.

      They looked great.

      They were $40.

      I thought, “Nah. I already have a pair of cowboy boots.”

      This was in 2008. I still mourn my extraordinarily bad decision.

  62. Blackcat*

    Cat folks! Help!

    My cat has been put on a prescription food. He used to be on generic “weight control” food. Prescription food has fixed some health problems. Yay! But it doesn’t seem to be as filling as the weight control food. He’s howling like he’s starving all day long, and still putting on weight (we are doing the amount of food the vet said, I think we need to cut it though).

    Is there anything I can do to alleviate his hunger? We can’t get a form of the prescription food that is *also* a weight control formulation, unfortunately.

    We’ve got an appointment in three weeks, but I’d love ideas sooner.

    1. merope*

      If it is a wet food, you could try adding water to the food. That would be more filling feeling for him, perhaps. And cats often are challenged to drink all the water they should (or at least that is what my vet has said).

    2. sswj*

      Instead of cutting his food can you increase his exercise? Vigorous play sessions with one of those feather wand toys, or even learning to walk on a leash might help.

      1. Blackcat*

        So he’s pretty active, and it would be hard for us to add in more time playing with him. But the toddler is getting to an age where he might be able to take over play if we train him (the kid, not the cat) more…

    3. Reba*

      Break it up into more, smaller meals? I.e. if you feed 2x per day, feed half as much 4x per day. If you are not home all day, maybe one of the automated feeders could help with this.

      1. A313*

        Yeah, maybe if you separate in kitty’s mind that you are the food dispenser, and you use an automated feeder that is on a set schedule instead, that might help. My cat absolutely knows when it it 9:00 pm and time to go upstairs and get ready for bed, so I imagine a cat could easily get used to a feeder on a definite schedule.

      2. Flower necklace*

        My cat definitely prefers to have smaller meals more frequently. He used to wake me up an hour or two before my alarm because he was hungry. That stopped after I got an automatic feeder (like suggested above). It goes off between 12 and 1 am. He only gets a small amount of dry food, but that’s enough to tide him over until I wake up.

    4. tangerineRose*

      Can you call the vet’s office and ask about this? They might have some suggestions that would help.

    5. Pennyworth*

      He might just need time to adjust and he’s using his maximum annoying techniques to try and force you to return to what he likes. I had a cat that adored bread, which was not good for him, so 99.9% of the time he was bread free – but if I weakened and gave him a tiny piece as a treat he would pester me for at least a week to try and get more then suddenly he would give up.

      1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

        My cat (16 y.o.) threw massive tantrums when five years ago we switched to senior cat food. She refused to eat it, answered petting attempts with her sharp claws, cried at unholy hours, spilled her water bowl and scratched the sofa until she open a hole. Our vet told us to slowly mix both foods until she got used to the new flavor and be firm like we were raising a toddler. Not only she accepted her new food, but also started eating (premium quality) ham, chicken and cream cheese.

          1. Blackcat*

            We did do the switch over about 2 weeks, per the vet’s orders. He eats it just fine. He would just like more than he gets!

    6. Cat Servant :)*

      I would check with my vet as I’m not sure how restricted your gentleman’s diet must be for health reasons but my guy loves a blueberry between meals and a single blueberry is pretty water based and fills him up with few calories. I will put one blueberry in a large bowl and he’ll bat it around and ‘hunt’ it before proudly eating it so it both occupies him and is adorable. Good luck.

  63. Granger Chase*

    Th is was brought up as a request for the weekend open thread, and since I have a few suggestions I figured I’d start it off!
    What are some great book series targeted for kids that captured similar magic for you/your kids/your students that HP did? Whether they feature actual magic or just had a great storyline with intriguing characters, I think it would be great for us to compile suggestions (:
    [Also, in order to keep this up on the open thread can we please keep suggestions limited to the books and not any comments made about JKR specifically. I have my own thoughts on her, but would prefer Alison get a day off instead of needing to heavily moderate a discussion. Thank you!!]

    My suggestions:
    -The Mysterious Benedict Society series: A group of four gifted children are brought together by a mysterious benefactor, Mr. Benedict, in order to stop an evil scheme. Good for those who enjoy light mysteries with puzzles, problem solving, and quick wit.
    -Pure Dead series/Strega Borgia chronicles: This is like the Addams Family with the addition of mythical creatures, magic, the mafia, and a new nanny, who might be more equipped to handle this kooky family than they expect.
    -I also highly recommend books by Eva Ibbotson for those who enjoy books about ghosts, witches, and more. Some notable favorites of mine have been Dial-a-Ghost, Which Witch?, and The Secret of Platform 13.

    2. Casey*

      Oh my gosh, I looooooved the Mysterious Benedict Society and Eva Ibbotson! Here’s some more that I loved:

      The Ranger’s Apprentice: An orphan is taken under the wing of a grizzled scout-diplomat-strategist-archer-jack-of-all-trades. A bunch of different kingdoms, different personalities, great to sink your teeth into.

      Lewis Barnevelt: Good for kids who like to be scared (the Edward Gorey covers haunted my dreams for years, and I desperately search for them in every used bookstore I see). Yet another orphan is sent to live with his uncle, who turns out to be a wizard. Lewis is drawn into all kinds of plots involving undead witches and other horrors.

      A Wrinkle in Time: A classic! Making science magical and magic scientific!

      The Wizard of Oz: If you haven’t read any of the sequels, you absolutely must. They’re insane and weird and horrifying if you think too long and whimsical.

      Some one-offs I still live: the Phantom Tollbooth! The Westing Game! The Egypt Game!

      1. Casey*

        Oh, also, I only found this series when I was in college, but it’s Young Adult (although it was oublished before that category was huge): Evil Genius by Catherine Jinks. Child prodigy! Evil private school! Moral ambiguity!

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I just read the first of the Lewis Barnevelt books the other day! (For the unaware, it’s the book that the recent movie “The House With the Clock In It’s Walls” was based on.) I read the Johnny Dixon books as a kid, which are by the same author.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I did NOT put that apostrophe in there, wtf phone.

          Also, Tamora Pierce’s Lioness Quartet (and other series), written by the author because of the dearth of sword and sorcery stories for young girls when she was one.

          Redwall? I forget how much magic it has.

      3. Double A*

        I can’t believe no one has mentioned the His Dark Materials series by Phillip pullman! The Golden Compass is the first book. Way more sophisticated than HP with an amazing female lead. Probably best to introduce to like 10-12 year olds.

        1. Casey*

          Another amazing series! I think it’s a great example of a series to keep coming back to — I first read it in middle school, and liked the adventure of it all, and then towards the end of high school I reread it and suddenly I understood a lot more of the allegory and underlying argument about religion, and also still liked the adventure of it all!

        2. Been There*

          I was thinking of these as well, although I feel the first book may be more suitable for kids a little bit older, around 14? For some reason I feel like the second and third book read a little younger. And then you have the two new ones…

      4. Casey*

        Man, now I’m thinking about how bad I want to curate a physical collection of these types of books. I’m gonna spend a lot of time in used bookstores when I have more disposable income…..

      5. Morrigan Crowe*

        Late, but had to chime in with some of my son’s favorites that haven’t already been mentioned – The Iron Trial (5 book series), Nevermore: The Trials of Morrigan Crowe (3rd book out soon), and The Floating Islands.

      1. Knapplepi*

        Percy Jackson was the all-time favorite of my children! Rick Riordan really sparked an interest in Greek and Roman mythology!

    4. KoiFeeder*

      Septimus Heap has a special place in my heart. I don’t actually remember much about it except 1) I still want a boggart and 2) the explanation of dragon puberty was awfully relatable at a time when I also was growing faster than my nerves were 3) I had to write to an author for an assignment and I picked the Septimus Heap author and she sent me back a bookmark which was super cool.

    5. Grace*

      Doubling down on Rick Riordan’s multiple series, The Mysterious Benedict Society, Septimus Heap, Charlie Bone/Children of the Red King, Pure Dead/Strega Borgia (I’d forgotten about those until just now and wow, nostalgia bomb) and Ranger’s Apprentice.

      Also a big fan of:
      – Diana Wynne Jones – like, all of them. Chrestomanci is excellent. Howl’s Moving Castle and its two sequels (IMO House of Many Ways is the better of the two). Just… Diana Wynne Jones.
      – Tiffany Aching, Terry Pratchett – aka Discworld for beginners. My dad started me on Pratchett at about 11 or 12, but the Tiffany Aching subseries is deliberately aimed at a younger audience
      – Redwall, Brian Jaques – multi-generational epic series but with forest animals and for kids; I did read these when I was young so not sure how well the early 80s ones have held up
      – Skulduggery Pleasant, Derek Landy – for an older age group than young HP readers, particularly the later ones, but I read them at 12+ and adored them
      – Keys to the Kingdom, Garth Nix – very fun characters and a great universe
      – The Old Kingdom/Abhorsen Chronicles, Garth Nix – combo of 20s England and high fantasy, with excellent female leads
      – Frances Hardinge – severely underrated, IMO! The Lie Tree is award-winning, and I’m also a big fan of A Face Like Glass. People also recommend Fly By Night, but I’ve not read it yet.

      I had a lot of faves as a kid/young teen, but these are the ones that still stand out to me.

      1. Grace*

        Oh, someone’s also added Tamora Pierce – yes! All of her series are just so good.

        Circle of Magic was my first and is an absolutely fantastic series, and I genuinely cried when when I asked my library to order the next one and they said they either weren’t in print or were very hard to find. I think they’ve been reissued, though, and are also on Kindle. They hold up fantastically on adult re-read.

    6. CTT*

      Diana Wynne Jones’s books! Her Chrestomanci series is the most Harry Potter-esque since they involve children learning magic, but it’s much more a Victorian ward angle at it rather than an actual school. But all of them are delightful, even the ones I don’t love that much (I’m history’s greatest monster and don’t have Howl’s Moving Castle in my top 10 of her books, but I understand the appeal). I especially love the Dalemark Quartet and The Merlin Conspiracy.

    7. Lady Alys*

      Susan Cooper’s “the Dark is Rising” series. Five books, Arthurian and British folklore background, great writing. I discovered these in middle school, 40 years ago, so they predate HP by quite a while. (Just pretend the movie was never made.)

      1. Grace*

        Yes, I’d forgotten these! I’m early twenties and was given them by my dad as a tween, who’d read them as a kid and thought I’d like them. Aka, they do hold up for the next generation.

    9. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Sort of YA sort of okay for adults:

      Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl, Carry On, and Wayward Son.

      I also really like the Magicians trilogy by Lev Grossman but it’s not appropriate for kids.

    10. Pamela Adams*

      Greg van Eekhout has written several stand-alone mid-grade books, Kid vs. Squid, The Boy at the End of the World, The voyage of the Dogs, and Cog. (Also good grown-up science fiction)

    11. Dr.KMnO4*

      Circle of Magic by Tamora Pierce. I’ve heard good things about her other series but not read them myself.

    12. Emily*

      Oh man, so many! Some are repeats of books others have mentioned.

      – Bruce Coville – I loved Jeremy Thatcher, Dragon Hatcher, but also read some of his other books and anthologies.
      – Susan Cooper – The Dark is Rising series.
      – Diana Wynne Jones – Chrestomanci chronicles when I was younger, Howl’s Moving Castle and some of her other books when I was older.
      – Diane Duane – The Young Wizards series, especially the first few books, is really good. More modern-feeling and thoughtful than Harry Potter.
      – Tamora Pierce – So many somewhat-connected book series with magic and knights and female protagonists
      – Garth Nix – I knew a lot of people who liked Abhorsen, but I was more into the Seventh Tower books, with vaguely magical sunstones and a color-based class system.
      – Philip Pullman – The Golden Compass + sequels, super cool worldbuilding and story.

    13. Jay*

      Anything by the great Terry Pratchett.
      He has a fairly large library of Young Adult works and all of them are wonderful.
      The Tiffany Aching books have already been mentioned.
      The Bromeliad Trilogy (about tiny Aliens living in a department store).
      The Carpet People (about a microscopic civilisation living in a carpet).
      The Johnny Maxwell Trilogy (about a boy named Johnny Maxwell).
      The Amazing Maurice And His Educated Rodents (talking animals).
      Nation (arguably one of the greatest books ever written, no that is NOT an exaggeration).
      And a number of others that I am forgetting at the moment.
      Also, he wrote an even larger library of grown up books.

    14. SP*

      Ohh – Madeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle In Time series! I’ve read all of them and have reread a couple of them lately. They have a sense of feeling both a bit like a period piece and very current at the same time. And, not magical, but Harriet The Spy has her own adventures that are still very entertaining.

    16. Esmeralda*

      Rick Riordan, Percy Jackson series
      Jonathan Stroud, Bartimaeus series
      Terry Pratchett, Wee Free Men (it’s part of a series of four books but this is the best one); The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (this one is not for younger kids, animal cruelty)

      I’d have to dig thru my sons books to get more titles! But these are ones I remember as enjoying.

    17. Aealias*

      Pretty much all the 10-yr-olds I know are obsessed with the Wings of Fire series – an ensemble cast of young Chosen Ones (who happen to be dragons) coming of age together. It seems to have that “I’m obsessed with this to the exclusion of all else” magic.

    18. BabyCarrot*

      The series: The Secret Life of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel by Michael Scott was a great read. Its 6 books I believe, not too long and really interesting with a lots of characters from the myths and legends.

    19. AGD*

      Ditto-ing Percy Jackson, Mysterious Benedict Society, Zilpha Keatley Snyder, and His Dark Materials.

      Catherynne M. Valente’s set of ~7 books beginning with ‘The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making’ are clever gleeful romps, especially if you like Oz and/or Lewis Carroll.

      I also love John Stephens’s ‘Books of Beginning’ trilogy – some overlap in appeal here for those who like Mysterious Benedict Society (trio of ostensibly orphaned siblings, grandfatherly mentor figure, lots and lots of secrets and puzzles and ethical dilemmas).

    20. Casey*

      Oh my gosh, how have none of us said this already? A Series of Unfortunate Events! I think those books are so atmospheric and so obviously Of Their Own World, and play with tropes about orphans and Chosen Ones. Another series reveals more every time you reread it.

    22. Pamela Adams*

      Not fantasy, and not new, but I love Arthur Ransome’s Swallows and Amazons series. Of course, having children go camping and sailing with no adult supervision might well be fantasy.

    23. Analyst Editor*

      Animorphs, Artemis Howl.
      Yu might lik Protector of the Small by Tamora Pierce.
      Wheel of Time is good, and of course Lord of the Rings, though hard to get through, is in a class of its own.
      I’d go with sci-fi —
      Heinlein and Asimov are great complements to each other.

  64. knitter*

    Any recommendations for a sofa bed/convertible sofa or hideaway bed that is easy and comfortable for a (currently) independently mobile 85 year old to get in and out of?

    If it is ever safe post-covid, we’d like my husband’s grandfather to come stay with us on weekends. We are in the middle of a renovation to make our house handicap accessible for our daughter, so we’ll have a first floor bedroom with adjoining accessible bathroom plus a number of other features that will help our daughter (and by extension anyone else who has mobility issues). So it makes a lot of sense for us to do this and take some of the burden off other family members.

    The only thing is since we can still carry our daughter upstairs to her current bedroom, we are planning to use the 1st floor bedroom as a play room.

    But we still would like to have grandpa stay with us. Thoughts on how to make this work?

    1. Red haired runner*

      My aunt has a sofa bed from west elm that my grandparents in that age range have used many times without difficulty. It folds out to be what feels like a regular bed that doesn’t sit too low.

    2. fposte*

      What I do with my foldout is put plywood sheets under the mattress to spread the weight around and then put thick toppers on the mattress (one latex, which was worth investing in since I’ll use it myself, and then a couple of cheap memory foam). The actual furniture piece is almost irrelevant at that point.

    3. Might be Spam*

      My grandmother liked sleeping in a recliner so we got an electric one that was easier for her to adjust.

    5. Caterpie*

      We love the IKEA FRIHETEN sectional. Everyone who has slept on it (myself included) thinks its really comfortable. It also has a nice storage compartment.

      It is a little low to the ground though, and I think only comes in navy blue. If you have an IKEA nearby that is practicing good social distancing, maybe you could bring Grandpa along to test it out.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        I also have an IKEA one (forget the name) that’s easy to convert and very comfortable. At the time it came in other colors. I wouldn’t say it’s too low for a sofa, but agree it is low for a bed.

    6. Bex*

      I think a futon would be a great option for a playroom. I wouldn’t recommend it in the living room as your only couch, but for your situation it sounds like a great option. In my experience, futons are much more comfortable for actually sleeping on, and still work well as a couch. Sofa beds tend to be fine for a night or two, but I’d never want to sleep on one every weekend because they just aren’t very supportive.

    7. Pennyworth*

      Does independently mobile include being able to get up from low down? That can be very hard to do as you get older. I’d go for something relatively high off the ground like a sofa bed which can double as furniture when not in use.

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Are you planning on putting the bed in the playroom or the living room? As someone that (pre-covid) had guests quite often, I know intimately that EVERYONE will be much happier if your guest has a room!!

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      I’ve always wanted a murphy bed since I learned about them as a child. They use a regular mattress so should be just as comfortable as any bed.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I recommend a Murphy bed over a convertible sofa. We’ve had both, and the convertible sofas are mostly recommended for “occasional visitors.” We got one from American Leather (I think) that was quite expensive and very comfortable to sleep on regularly, BUT the mattress is thin and very firm. I love a firm mattress but I’m not sure it would be comfortable for an elderly person.

      Our Murphy bed, by contrast, fits a standard mattress. We didn’t have to buy their upsold “included” mattress, we used one that we already like. There are a million Murphy bed manufacturers online; you can find them in many different styles and levels of built-in appearance.

    11. knitter*

      Thanks all for the suggestions! I wasn’t clear–we want something convertible in the playroom since it is attached to the accessible bathroom. It is a fairly small room.

      I love fposte’s suggestion on how to make a pull out more comfortable. And I love Caterpie’s suggestion to bring Grandpa along when we look for something.

      He can get up from a chair fairly easily, but he prefers something higher off the ground and doesn’t like stairs. He loves to dance and take walks. Fingers crossed he’ll still be able to do all these things when we can have him at our house again safely.

  65. tired&*

    I am feeling so overwhelmed planning my own future but also that of my aging parents. I was a spoiled, sheltered child which was funny because my parents didn’t (and finding out still don’t!!) know what the heck they were/(are) doing (they are immigrants). They managed to make a success of their kids and I’ve calculated that they should have the income in retirement to be able to support themselves. Phew. I am just so confused and it’s like living the lives of multiple people and my own life at the same time and it’s just so much to deal with. Plus I come from such a stubborn family so everything is a struggle and a fight, even if you are trying to help!

    Sorry, I’m ranting because of stress and my anxiety has created a permanent knot in my throat. Hoping to have a good cry soon to release this tension. :’)

    I guess, I just wanna hug all the people who don’t have that generational knowledge of to Deal With It and live in America. And the ones that do but are still overwhelmed. Special s/o to anxiety and depression gang living with people that don’t acknowledge anxiety and depression as serious mental health issues. And to everyone who is just stressed and sad and upset and feels the whole world is falling apart (most of us I am sure, haha). The pandemic really brought all these little things (estate planning, mainly) into the light and it’s A Lot and hard to know where to start. (If any of you guys have resources/blogs/information on how to find out where to even start…much appreciated.)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You have a lot on your plate, set the stuff about spoiled etc to one side. Any thinking person would find this a lot.
      Start with today. What are your needs today. What are their needs today.

      Stubbornness is a funny/odd thing. Time and circumstance can change the most stubborn among us. Don’t borrow trouble from the future. It may not go the way it looks like it will go. Or you may find a much tamer version than the version you see in your mind’s eye now.

      Put your own oxygen mask on first. If you are living in a cardboard box on the street, you will not be able to help them. Get yourself on solid ground and keep yourself there so that you can continue to reach out and give them random helps where they will accept help.

      In as much as they don’t know what they are doing they have managed to make it this far. Now you say you don’t know what you are doing, can your parents be role models or role negatives for you? Are there things your parents have done successfully that you can reshape into something that would work for you? Or did they consistently make the wrong choices and you learned a lot about what not to do? This can also be helpful in shortening the learning curve you are facing now.

      1. tired&*

        >Or you may find a much tamer version than the version you see in your mind’s eye now.

        This line very much resonated with me. I tend to go nuclear when I see something isn’t working – I get very control freak and suddenly that mole hill is now Mt. Everest. It’s that or shut down and ignore the problem like my folks. As for the role models/negatives, I think they are both. They are some of the most hard-working people I know and generous and filled with love for their family. Everything they do is for their family – all their successes and even their failures stem from that (particularly, lying that something that is a problem isn’t one). I’ve been able to learn from their failing and having to sort through some of the issues so far have been so rewarding and turned someone who could hear their heart pounding when they had to do anything remotely adult-like into someone who just…does things because they need to get done. It’s been liberating in a way that I would 100% not do again because I had never been that stressed in my life, haha. But I also got to speak with some people who normally aren’t accessible (directors and managers at hospitals and insurance companies) who gave me incredible advice and tips sorting through all this that I can pass on.

        >set the stuff about spoiled

        Yes! I have to let the past go. I think I am just upset because I could have done something sooner to save some of the headache now but how could I have possibly known? I’ve been an adult out of their home for a while now and they’ve been so capable my whole life. They’re allowed to make mistakes. They sure as heck let me make mine and never got on my case about it. I just feel I failed them in a way.

        You’re whole note made me realize that there is nothing that will destroy us today. The sense of urgency I feel is misplaced and it’s like I was in such a hurry to go to space, I’ve forgotten an oxygen tank. This anxious mindset isn’t productive nor will it solve anything. Thank you very much for your comment – it had all the right questions to help me sort out where my head is and how helpful I can actually be to them.

        1. Tallulah*

          “I think I am just upset because I could have done something sooner to save some of the headache now but how could I have possibly known?”

          I feel like pretty much everyone I know has something like that, whether it’s a parent thing or a relationship/friendship they wish they’d got out of sooner or an organisational thing. Sometimes you (generic you) genuinely didn’t realise until things got bad, or maybe you look back and feel like “I KNEW even at the time that I should have…” but I think part of just living is, sometimes you miss stuff or you make mistakes, and… no one can anticipate everything or make all the right choices every time. (This is much easier to type than to do. I’m terrible at forgiving myself for mistakes!)

          Also both in my own family and in others there have been situations with elderly parents where it is like “It’s fine! It’s fine! It’s… not actually fine, is it…” Particularly if the parents in question don’t like asking for help or “don’t want to be a burden” or don’t want to confront particular changes in their health or circumstances. It’s a hard situation to be in.

    2. Jennifer*

      Are you sure they didn’t know what they were doing? Maybe they just did it differently? They managed to come to a foreign country, figure out how to support themselves, and raise successful children. If you were spoiled and sheltered that means they were able to provide a pretty great life for you while shielding you from their other troubles. Maybe you don’t need to worry about them as much as you do. Just my two cents.

      1. tired&*

        Hi Jennifer, thanks for your message! Maybe I am letting my anxiety get the best of me. There were a few problems I found out that were just ‘WOW, wow…WOW’ financially that I’ve gotten back on track and there were years of unpaid medical bills that I had to get out of collections and work through. I think having to put out these huge fires that in reality have been growing for years but were ignored has made me go into “OK, I’ve ignored this too long and what if there are other issues.” But I think you might be right – I might be melting down and going into panic “I have to control everything now” mode because that’s my default.

        They navigated some tough & confusing systems and they’re clever & industrious people, don’t get me wrong. They just have such deeply ingrained beliefs and stubbornness that you couldn’t imagine. I had to fight with them about every step of paying their very old medical bills (mind you, I was gonna pay them and that’s thankfully no hardship for me) that turned out to be a huge mess because of how old they were and the debts being sold. Some of that hostility to helping me help them is because their troubles have been exposed to me and I know they feel guilty because it’s stressing me out & they hate that. They’d then just rather ignore it or lie to me about it, which only makes the issue worse. However, I solved those problems. And I can solve other issues along the way if they need it because at the end of the day, it’s the love that’s there that matters.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Think about ways to leverage that stubbornness. Stubbornness can also be determination or “stick-to-itiveness”.

          Leveraging could look like:
          “Mom/Dad remember that time when you had to do x and you just decided to push through it? Well, now we have y and you can do the same thing here, you can push through it and you will handle y also.”
          OR
          “Parent, remember when you decided to aim for [big goal]? Remember how long it took you and how hard you worked? And you finally got it- you got [big goal]. Well this is more of that, stay on course and you will get this [new thing] also.”

          In some ways stubbornness can be an asset. My father was stubborn. And that worked out for him in critical times. One day he told me he had a chimney fire in the middle of the night. He slept in just his underwear, so when he woke up he just ran outside (rural America , no one saw him). It was 20 degrees outside that night. He put the fire out somehow… in his underwear… in subfreezing weather…. (Did I mention he was over 70 and a heart patient?)
          Most people would have just started crying because the nearest fire truck is a half hour a way and they would conclude their house was DONE/GONE. I thought of him running bare foot through snow putting out that fire and I realized this is good use of stubbornness as a less determined person would not have gotten through that. (*I* would not have gotten through that.)

          Going one step further, I did not like him living on his own and out in the wilderness like that. Reality was that he was fine. This extreme example proved it.

    3. Pocket Mouse*

      For estate planning- Nolo put out a book (and companion worksheets) called Get It Together. I recommend.

  66. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Anyone is getting LDS ads on Youtube? It’s getting annoying to the point I prefer opening the mobile website than the app.
    Also, the timing sometimes is hilarious. I was watching Japanese commercial compilation videos and got startled by a lady talking about how her faith doesn’t make a weirdo, and how she enjoys being with her family and kids like a pious lady should (?). (Although it makes sense to get them after watching Lambiel’s gala programs XDDD)

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      I get weird ads sometimes too! Some times I can figure out what I googled that prompted it and sometimes not!

  67. Summersun*

    I have a shredder for all the usual reasons. These days, my shipments come in poly bags with my name and address printed directly on the material, rather than on a label stuck to a cardboard box. The shredder can’t handle the plastic, and cutting it up by hand is a PITA. (My maintenance medication in particular comes this way, so I want to make sure the info is obliterated.) Is there an easier way to safely dispose of these things?

    2. Lifelong student*

      Use a sharpie or if you can find one- an old fashion magic marker to cover the identifying information.

    4. Atheist Nun*

      I have a self inking stamp that stamps a number of random characters, which are meant to obscure sensitive information like an address/name. It works great on paper, but I have not tried it on plastic shipping envelope material. You can search for “Plus Guard Your ID Roller Stamp” to find this product.

    1. Generic Name*

      Ha. My ex husband was adamant that the cats never be allowed on tables/countertops. After he moved out and I got new cats I decided that I didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives yelling at them to get off the table. And then I got a dog, so their food and water is on the counter now, so yeah….

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        When we got our cat, my husband, who’d only ever had dogs, was scandalized at the idea of cats on the counters and table, and felt it should not be allowed.

        I told him that you do not “allow” cats to do anything, they do what they want and there’s very little you can do about it if you don’t like it.

        Our cat is always on the counter. We tried to keep her off the table because that’s where we eat with guests, and guests tend to not like having fat kitty butts in their food, but she’s been taking liberties in that department lately too.

    2. Trixie*

      My senior cat (17) will jump up on the stove which has an eye line view to the bedroom and just watch/creep until I feed him. I’m more impressed that he makes the jump than anything else.

  69. Anxious Child Chewing on clothes*

    Hi all, I have a ‘highly sensitive’ child, or so I think. He is in 2nd grade, advanced academically, a bit introverted but makes friends (incidentally, really enjoys remote learning). I am unsure how worried to be about things like: Chewing on everything, pens, clothes (they all look moth eaten), though I got him a chew toy. Refusing to wear clothes with tags, and would never flush the toilet because the sound scared him. Currently, he still wets the bed and doesn’t tell me. Other concerns: Getting into a complete frenzy over clipping nails, getting terrified of parasites (Was convinced he had worms, but doctor told me it was unlikely). He does not seem at all autistic, he is very in touch with his own feelings and is good at making friends. He can focus well and appropriately so I don’t think ADHD or similar. Are these behaviors pretty much in the normal range? They don’t interfere with daily life, but he seems a bit different from other kids to me (certainly different from the rest of the family). I know I can see a therapist etc, but for now I’m just trying to understand if these behaviors are reasonably common in this age range. By the way, he seems to be coping ok in the pandemic (he has siblings) and these issues haven’t gotten particularly worse, except for the chewing thing that is really problematic, his clothes are full of holes. Any suggestions?

    1. CastIrony*

      From what I’ve seen on Tiktok, I think you should have him checked for autism. But whatever he’s feeling, I know there’s “chewies”, which is a necklace with a chewable silicone thing as the piece.

      I hope you both get through this!

    2. WS*

      Chewing on everything at that age, wetting the bed rather than using the toilet, terror of parasites, hating nail clipping and refusing to wear clothes with tags really does seem like a sensory processing issue of some kind, whether or not it’s on the autism spectrum. Sometimes wetting the bed at that age is pretty normal but not out of fear of going to the toilet! I think it would probably be worth an assessment because this is the kind of mindset that ends up with a very anxious teen with no acceptable coping strategies. Learning coping strategies to deal with anxiety or sensory issues now is a lot easier than trying to do it later while in crisis.

    3. Courageous cat*

      This doesn’t sound normal to me, particularly in line with what you said about autism – I don’t think an autism diagnosis is based specifically on how social the person is or is not. Seems like high anxiety or worth getting tested for autism. I’d see a therapist – why not intervene sooner rather than later? Worst case scenario: he didn’t need it.

    4. valentine*

      Tags are a plague. If he also can’t abide seams, let him not wear socks, or wear them inside out.

      He sounds overly anxious, especially with the nails. What’s his concern there? Can you leave him x amount of white if he’s worried about pain? Ear plugs because of the noise? I guess this is no time for manicures, but see if a pro will give you a rate for a phone consult on how to soothe him around it.

      See if he will tell you the rules about chewing. The item seems to have to be on him, so, chewing scarves? Does he chew his masks?

      A therapy appointment seems like a good step. You don’t have enough information to assess him. It’s worrisome that he doesn’t feel safe to tell you he wet the bed. Does anyone make fun of him for him, possibly outside your hearing? Is anyone obviously worried about it, and he wants to avoid that? Are you using waterproof layers in his bedding? (He may not tolerate any noise/smell there, so, let him interact with anything you buy before you apply.)

    5. Generic Name*

      Yeah, I’d have him tested for autism. My son is 13 and was recently diagnosed, and I’m kicking myself for not getting him diagnosed sooner. He didn’t tick a lot of the “autism boxes” when he was younger because he is highly verbal and can make eye contact. But he also has significant sensory issues such as with clothing. Finding him comfortable underwear is an epic quest (at 4 the only type he would wear was $15 ea Hanna Anderson boxer briefs). He basically wears a single outfit. What your describing is not a typical developmental trajectory, and if you can figure out a diagnosis it opens up a whole world of available therapies and school accommodations that will support him as he navigates the world.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I think it’s the number of issues, rather than any particular one, that would have me concerned. It may be a neurodevelopmental thing, or it could be sensory processing or anxiety, or a combination.

      My daughter was very sensitive (to the point of meltdowns) to clothing tags, sock seams, any type of wet spill no matter how microscopic, certain noises. She had some odd things, too – like she’d come apart if someone was retelling the plot of a movie (we eventually figured out that it was because she has a really intense visual imagination). She was okay with flushing the toilet, but absolutely refused to use autoflush public toilets unless I could cover or turn off the sensor.

      These things were still present but had noticeably eased up in intensity by age 7. So if he is still reacting at the same level as when he was younger (or it’s getting more intense), that’s something to check on.

      If you take him for any kind of assessment, I’d encourage you to frame it for him as finding ways that he can do the things that are necessary (like nails or flushing) for himself. There may be an autonomy/ control factor involved, where they are less scary if he’s in control of them.

      That was certainly a factor for my daughter. The more autonomy she had to solve the things that were bothering her, the less upset she got.

      (She’s just an opinionated, slightly geeky/artsy teenager now. Seems to be as well adjusted as a teen can be in 2020).

      Best of luck!

    7. Eeeek*

      It sounds like he needs additional help, I would talk to his doctor about this and ask for a referral to a specialist who deals with these issues. I only know the kids in my family but we’ve never had issues with chewing. The only thing that has come up is the tag issue haha but I think everyone just hates tags plus you can cut those out easily. My cousin does have some extreme sensitivities but she is not getting the help she needs at all and at almost 16 is not functional and couldn’t for example go to school alone or talk on the phone or order at a drive through or something. Her mom homeschools her and does every thing for her 100% of the time. I wouldn’t worry about stigmatizing him, he will be more stigmatized if he doesn’t get help and it continues.

    8. Solar*

      Any one of those issues would be a normal idiosyncrasy for a kid.

      But ALL of them at once? Something’s going on here.

    9. Mimosa Jones*

      I agree with the others that the presence of all these things could indicate something else going on. To me these all sound like sensory issues. Have you heard of sensory integration disorder? It’s a condition that can be part of another diagnosis or be on its own. All the tips I gave you for chewing are techniques for helping with sensory difficulties. Even if he doesn’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis, the resources will be helpful. And while he’s coping well… life doesn’t have to be this hard. You may not be aware of all the workarounds your family has for his quirks, especially if he’s your eldest.

      For the bed wetting, it’s at the late end of the range of normal for a child, especially a boy, to be wetting the bed at age 8. A combination of a small bladder and the ability to sleep like the dead. If that’s the cause, he’ll literally grow out of it. Meanwhile, you can double dress the bed with a mattress protector and sheets on top of another layer of mattress protector and sheets. Keep a laundry basket in his room, a pair of clean jammies in his night table, extra blankets, and let him take care of this himself like a big boy. You can also teach him how to do laundry…not as punishment, but as a teachable moment for something he’ll need to learn eventually. There’s no shame in wetting the bed, but he seems to want to take care of this on his own. If this is related to his fear of flushing, you’re going to have to get more creative. What about noise cancelling headphones? You could put a pair in every bathroom for anyone to use.

    10. Catbus*

      My kid had a lot of these same concerns. At age 4, they were assessed as delayed in 3 areas: emotional/social, sensory, and developmental. That allowed us to access special preschool services that made a huge difference. They were still chewing things in kindergarten, which caused issues (dental and also social as the other kids thought my kid was weird).

      We did all the chew toys, weighted vests, rubber bands around the legs of their chair, sensory therapy, holding therapy, an IEP with the school district, etc. I’m honestly not sure what worked and what didn’t. I do know that by mid elementary school my kid was no longer chewing things, so something must have helped! They are still very emotionally fragile with few coping mechanisms that work, and are easily overwhelmed.

      I’d say the earlier you can intervene and try to help, the better. Those behaviors sound concerning for a second grader, but there are so many more avenues to get help now than there were 30 years ago.

      Back then, my brother needed similar help, and there just didn’t seem to be any for him no matter how hard my mom looked. We have a much better understanding now of neurodivergence, and many more therapies that could help. So don’t lose hope, but also don’t lose time and hope they’ll grow out of it without intervention.

    11. MatKnifeNinja*

      What did his Kindie/First grade teacher say?

      You may just have a highly sensitive little one. Yeah, what you listed can ping off a lets checked for autism diagnosis. It could be he’s an anxious kid who hasn’t learned coping skills, is younger than his classmates or an only kid struggling a little bit.

      I’d be much more interested in how he plays with others than anything else you have listed.

      From Kindie about 3rd grade parallel playing is really common. Kids are next to each other playing, but they aren’t really playing with each other. They might share toys and maybe “story lines”

      The big social skills jump happens around 2nd/3rd grade. It’s much more read body language, more verbal, read the room, those messy soft skills we all have to deal with. It was really noticeable in the kids that are diagnosed with autism in 2nd/3rd grade. Their peers don’t parallel play anymore. Lot more arguments and fights. Their friends are in 1st and Kindie, not peers. I had one 3rd grader with ASD tell me he couldn’t figure his classmates anymore.

      Talking/playing with adults is easy, adult make concessions to small children.

      Talking/playing with younger kid is easier. The kids with ADS already knows those rules.

      Talking/playing with peers is nightmare fuel. There’s a developmental jump and non neurodiverse folks seem to pull it out of the air. The kids on the spectrum really really struggle. Peers cut you no slack as a kid.

      My niece has a friend with ASD. I’ve known the teen since she was 5. She has always been about a good 3 years behind social skills wise. Intellectually brilliant. The friend is 16, but mannerisms and social skills, I would peg around grade 8 (age 12/13).

      Sorry for the book. If the teachers haven’t said boo, I might wait until it’s butts in seats at school and ask for an opinion. Everyone is fried at home, and having a fresh pair of eyes looking is helpful. I’m not saying don’t evaluate, but if you have never heard a peep of concern from the school, I’d wait a bit.

    12. RagingADHD*

      Thinking a lot about you since first reading this. Here’s the thing – if your kid finds ordinary life functions like going to the bathroom or personal grooming/hygeine distressing, that’s miserable for him.

      So I’d encourage you to seek some interventions, not because he’s got something wrong or whatever. But so he can stop being distressed and start flourishing.

    13. Anono-me*

      Would he be happier with a dremel type nail file? Mine is an ancient one from Avon, but I have seen similar ones in beauty supply stores.

      As far as everything else, I think a full physical that includes a comprehensive blood panel and discussing the above information would be a good start. If one of the doctor’s recommendations is therapy, then maybe your family should consider it.

  70. Serious Pillowfight*

    My husband finally received a “working diagnosis” of chronic fatigue syndrome. The chest pain wasn’t specifically diagnosed. He’s set to return to work next weekend at 20 hours a week for now. Here’s hoping it works out, because we can’t afford for him to be out of work.
    I’m not surprised at the CFS diagnosis, but I’m a bit dismayed because from what I understand CFS isn’t curable and no one is certain what causes it. Does anyone here have this ailment? What do you do to treat/manage it?

    1. Blackcat*

      Any chance he had COVID? Does that match the timeline?

      I have two friends who got COVID in March and April and are just now getting their energy back. If the fatigue was sudden onset in the last 5ish months, it’s possible it’s COVID even without other symptoms. The “long haul” COVID symptoms do seem to slowly improve in some.

    2. I have Chronic Fatigue*

      I have CFS. I was diagnosed in 1993 at the age of 17. You can manage it. I have three or four flares a year that last a week or two–it feels like mono without being mono. The key is to avoid stress and to make sure you rest enough. It’s harder than it sounds, but not really! Limit social engagements, pay attention to energy levels, understand stress triggers.

    3. valentine*

      we can’t afford for him to be out of work
      Make some plans in case he ends up unable to work because the combo of chest pain and CFS may lead to that. I hope they are still investigating the chest pain!

    4. NeonFireworks*

      From my understanding, It’s a diagnosis of exclusion, as in you rule everything else out and then it might be appropriate.

      I was nearly diagnosed with CFS in 2009. What I actually had was a sleep disorder that only the overnight test with ten thousand wires attached to my head was going to reveal. Treating that has left me feeling like a new person. Incredible. Anyway, just in case!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      He can get checked for allergies. It’s amazing how different a person can feel once an allergen is removed for their environment or their diet.
      I think he should have his thyroid checked. This might help to explain the heart concerns.

      With hard stuff like this I am a big fan of going back to basics: hydration, whole foods (plain veggeis, fruits and meats, simple foods) and rest. We all have something we could do better on in those three areas.

      My wise friend said, “Remember, any time you go high you are setting yourself up to go low sometime in the near future.” “High” could mean working a 12 hour day, where I will need to catch up on the rest I missed because I worked additional hours. Or maybe I just stay up late one night reading true crime on the internet, I either have to make up the lost rest or I will suffer for this poor choice. Or “high” could mean I am having a great time with friends and without thinking I eat way too much pizza. I could feel draggy/sleepy/loaded down for the next several days because of just eating way too much of the wrong kinds of foods for me.

    6. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      I had a friend in college with CFS so it’s been a while and treatment options may have changed, but she got a mega vitamin B shot monthly and it seemed to help. OTC vitamin B pills did not do the job; it needed to be an injection.

  71. KayEss*

    What are the chances I can get my ears pierced during a pandemic? Are reputable shops all still closed?

    I’ve never gotten a piercing/tattoo or anything so I don’t know how to find a good place. Just looking for a standard lobe piercing.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Go to an actual piercer and not to some place in the mall. I can guarantee that the person will be trained far more thouroghly and will be VERY careful about sanitation. And your pierce will turn out much better Ear piercing ‘guns’ at places like Claire’s push the earring through, whereas the tools that actual piercers use cut a teeny tiny hole. They heal much better.

    2. ...*

      Tons of reputable shops in Chicago are open, I don’t think even the most reputable places can go 6+ months with absolutely no income. Just read up on their guidelines and expect to wear a mask and have your temp taken.

    3. migrating coconuts*

      I don’t know where you are, but my daughter gets her piercings at the local tattoo/peircing place. They are open and take appointments only. (and I am in a state where our governor took major measures to keep the spread low) They are much better at keeping things sterile than mall type places. If you’re going for a simple ear piercing, any place will probably do a good job. You can always check online for reviews, like google, yelp and also see if the place has a facebook page. If you have any friends with tattoos or cartilage piercings, ask them for a reference.

    4. That'll happen*

      Definitely go to a professional piercer, not a place in the mall. Piercing guns should never be used. I recommend going to the website for the Association of Professional Piercers (APP) and finding a piercer in your area that is a member. APP members are required to follow stringent requirements for health and safety, typically above and beyond what is required to be licensed by the health department.

    5. Valancy Snaith*

      Please go to a real piercer! It will be quick and easy and much less painful than the gun. I really regret the gun piercings I had done in my lobes, because one is way off-centred in a way that a real piercer definitely would not have done.

    6. Courageous cat*

      Yall, I think they were *not* planning on going to the mall by virtue of asking for “reputable shops”.

      OP, look up piercing shops in your area – it’s highly likely that some are open. I don’t know any in my area that aren’t.

    7. AnonymousNurse*

      I second everything said here! Professional piercer all the way. I had my first lobe piercing with a piercing gun and I remember it taking so long to heal and was very painful! I got my second lobe piercing 10 years later and used a professional piercer and it was super easy. I also only had to take one dose of Motrin and the pain was gone

    8. Lifelong student*

      When I had my ears pierced – back in the dark ages- i.e. the sixties- my Mom took me to the local family doctor who did it! Probably can’t do that anymore!

      1. Christmas Carol*

        Same here. I think the plan was to ask the Pediatrician about ear piercing, and use him as the bad cop when he said no, that’s a bad idea for a sixth grader.. Surprise, he whipped out the gun and did it on the spot. I’m 63 this year, and still have the fancy lacy gold studs he used. Offered to do mom’s ears too, but she was too chicken.

    9. Parenthetically*

      Tattoo parlor/piercing shop all the way. Look at reviews, talk to friends with tattoos or piercings. Good shops should have all the sanitation in place and if you wear a mask, I can’t see why you wouldn’t be able to get two lobe piercings which should take about 20 minutes. Fair warning: at a tattoo shop they will use a needle rather than a gun, and this is a GOOD thing — the guns are notoriously difficult to center properly on the lobe, while a good piercer will take the time to mark them and make sure they’ll be symmetrical before they do the piercing.

  72. Jennifer*

    Why are people so quick to dismiss women’s actual lived experiences? It’s not just men that do it either. Example: I was discussing some of the challenges I’ve faced over the years because of having a curvier body type, like people looking at my body instead of my face when I’m speaking, degrading looks and comments, etc. But when I bring it up there are a lot of people who dismiss it by saying most people are looking at my body (yes they are) or most people don’t care (they definitely do). This has happened to me since I was a teen. Why does it happen? Does it make people uncomfortable to think that this is really happening?

    1. D3*

      I would say much of what you are calling experiences is your projections and interpretations about other people’s behavior. And those ARE subjective.

      1. valentine*

        much of what you are calling experiences is your projections and interpretations about other people’s behavior. And those ARE subjective.
        Nope!

        You’re reporting sexual harassment and, as with other kinds, and as with -isms, people don’t want to:
        ~do anything about it
        ~think about themselves or particular others as perps of same

      2. NeonFireworks*

        I’m thinking probably not. I see how differently my plus-size friends get treated. Society is drenched in subtle and unsubtle messages that some bodies are to be treated with contempt. There’s no way this doesn’t lead to terrible inequality and mistreatment.

      3. Amandine*

        Thank you for perfectly illustrating how entirely sh!tyy some people are about this issue.

        You are the problem. Gross.

      5. RussianInTexas*

        I don’t know, I feel like young men slowly following me in their car while I was walking (I was a high school aged teenager) and catcalling that one evening are not just in my head, and was freaking terrifying, but may be I misinterpreted their behavior, may be it was in my head, and may be they wanted to talk about the weather.
        Or that time a friend of mine, uber left liberal feminist once again replied to my Facebook comment to his post with a joke about my breasts (which really had nothing to do with the discussion). At least he stopped when I told him I am not just “a pair of breasts on legs). But may be I misunderstood him and he was really complimenting my brain.
        Or that one time an adult male followed teenage me from the bus stop, and offered me a job in his store while staring at my chest. I probably misunderstood him too, he was probably just a good Samaritan.

    2. TL -*

      I was talking to a friend of mine I met at an old job (a terrible, sexist environment) and out of the blue last week he went, “it was way more sexist than I thought [at the time]. It was just really hard to comprehend that they were so different with you. Even when I saw how upset you were, I just couldn’t understand how people who were so nice and supportive to me were so awful to you for no other reason than you were a woman.”

      And honestly, I think that plays a lot into it – it’s hard to believe how a person can treat entire classes of people so differently if you’ve never been on the bad end of it.

      1. Jennifer*

        That’s a good point. It’s hard for them to accept that the same people who were kind to them were horrible to other people. And as someone said below, then they have to realize that they have had some advantages in life, not because of merit, but because of their race, gender, appearance, etc.

        1. 10Isee*

          Going along with this train of thought… moral ambiguity is exhausting and messy, so it’s often tempting to cast everyone as a hero or a villain, good guy or bad guy, when in reality that just doesn’t work. My father was abusive, emotionally and physically, to my whole family; he was also a fantastic boss who changed the lives of many employees and mentees for the better. The man who assaulted me is, by all accounts I’ve heard, a wonderful father and great friend. There are no good people or bad people, just people doing things.

          However, when people insist on sorting everyone into the good guy box or the bad guy box, they either have to become dangerously cynical or become willfully blind. Yes, the professor who was so understanding and supportive of you may have also been sexist or creepy or ableist to someone else. Neither of those things cancels out the other. But that’s much more difficult than simply hand-waving away the story a woman shares.

    3. RagingADHD*

      I think it’s partly that yes, it makes people uncomfortable. And partly that we are all stuck inside our heads. It’s a lot of work to really try to understand someone else’s experiences.

      I’m sorry you are dealing with that!

    4. Not A Manager*

      “Why does it happen? Does it make people uncomfortable to think that this is really happening?”

      Yes. I think people want to live in a fair world where their good experiences happen due to their own merit. The corollary is that other people’s bad experiences happen because they are not meritorious. If another person appears to have a bad experience AND they are meritorious, then the only way out of that conundrum is to conclude that they are mistaken about the bad experience. Women don’t experience sexism, people of color don’t experience racism, people who are not conventionally attractive don’t experience discrimination – because if any of that happened, that would mean that my own good experience might be due to my gender, race, appearance, etc. and not *merely* because I am a good and diligent person.

      It even happened right on this thread.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Growing up in the 60s words like these were meant to be encouraging. “nooo, nobody is looking at you…..”
      To me that had all the feel of gaslighting.
      I think part of what was happening is that the people I was talking with did not know how to handle the problem. So they tossed out whatever they thought of to say and tried to get themselves off the hook for the conversation.

      You might find it a helpful thing to look at each individual who says this type of thing. Just my opinion, but the people who say this stuff need to learn more and it might end up being ME who points things out to them.

      I have a good friend, who in his younger day was a jerk. Fortunately, a judge dropped a (figurative) concrete block on my stubborn friend’s head and he got a wake-up call. I have talked to my friend about how this world can feel like a “meat market”. I told him a story of walking past a bar on the way to work. There were a bunch of guys near the window. I was the only person walking by the window. The “men” starting barking, like dog barks.
      I was 19. It hurt. A lot. Because this wasn’t the first time it happened. It wasn’t the second. I guess they thought I was unaware that I was rather plain and overweight? Or maybe they had never seen a rather plain and overweight woman before? If I were a sister to one of the men in the group would they still bark like that? I tell my friend these stories and he knows he has to listen because he did similar things. I said the best thing he can do is tell other men, “That is NOT cool.”

      To me, women were worse because they said, “Oh boys will be boys.” Women need to say the same, “That is NOT cool” message.

    6. RussianInTexas*

      I am sorry it happened to you here. It’s totally a thing! I developed super early (like DD) at 15, and the reactions to it were gross, until I became middle aged and got bigger overall.
      I had male classmates calling me breast-related nicknames throw high school, adult men hitting on me constantly, and I had to tell multiple male acquaintances to knock it off with the boob jokes because they aren’t funny even if you mean it as a compliment.
      I couldn’t wear a regular v-neck or scoop neck shirts without people (men usually) talking to my chest, including at work.
      And yes, I can tell where they are looking, come on now.

      1. Jennifer*

        Yes, I was an early developer as well and have dealt with many of the same experiences you mention. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

        It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but only slightly. I still notice people talking to my chest.

    7. Generic Name*

      I’m amused (in a morbid way) that the first poster is a perfect example of what you’re talking about.

      I think people deny women’s lived experiences for a couple of reasons. One is they don’t think of women as people and their experiences literally don’t exist/matter. I don’t think this is a conscious thought process on most people’s part, but based on some people’s words and actions, I’m afraid that this is the most logical conclusion. Another is denial-they can’t/don’t want to believe that women are treated so horribly, even today, so they deny it happens.

      1. RussianInTexas*

        I think it’s also mental inertia of some sort. It’s not worse than it always was, it’s nothing new, plus many of these things are “compliments”, so why are we talking about AGAIN?

    8. Analyst Editor*

      I think there are two parts to it.
      One, someone might be presenting their personal experience, e.g. “I’ve never noticed this, this isn’t something I’ve had trouble with, and don’t know others who have”.
      Maybe there’s a misunderstanding happening – e.g. you think you’re saying, “this is my experience and it causes me distress”; and they interpret you saying something more universal — e.g. “most men like to leer at me and women generally, and are therefore bad, and should be condemned”, to which your interlocutor might be tempted to respond – honestly, based on their experience, that they don’t find this to be the case.

      The third applies probably less to your example of people looking at you, but more when the “denial of your experience” happens in the context of a relationship. In that context, do know that things do often get misinterpreted. In my case, I find that between me and my husband – and we have known each other a while – there can be significant misunderstandings of tone, of intention, just from involuntary body language, or a delay in how one reacts to the other, or a weird facial expression (I think he’s angry, he was just thinking; he thinks I ignored him, I just didn’t hear). A lot of the time our fights come from misunderstandings due to interpretations that I, or he, put on an otherwise innocuous action due to a personal lens developed from personal baggage, but which isn’t the truth. Thinking back on my past interactions, mostly with guys, also puts a lot of prior interactions in a light where I misunderstood a lot, due to personal baggage, and could have made my experiences much better without those misunderstandings.

      All the best to you.

  73. Anxious Child Chewing on clothes*

    My child in 2nd grade chews on his clothes until they are full of holes. I got him a chew toy but he doesn’t like it. I put a hairpin on his shirt to remind him but it does not help. He chews also on pencils, cords, everything. What to do?

    1. Anxious Child Chewing on clothes*

      He’s neurotypical, if very sensitive (hates loud noises, goes into a panic when I try to clip his nails, hates tags on clothes. He sometimes has obsessive thoughts and anxieties but they are manageable. But he wets his bed sometimes and doesn’t seem to mind sleeping in dirty sheets so it’s weird.) he is advanced academically and has friends. It’s really just the chewing that’s an issue right now.

      1. Elf*

        I would second the silicone chew necklaces.

        Having said that, I think you really need to see a developmental specialist. The chewing is either pica, which is quite dangerous (heightened lead poisoning risk, etc) though it doesn’t sound quite like that, or pretty extreme oral stimming, and in either case you would really benefit from individualized professional guidance. Some of the behaviors you describe are actually potentially worrying.

        As an autistic adult, I have to say that what you describe (apart from the chewing, which was not one of my stims) sounds very much like me, down to hating the feelings of certain things on my skin but also wetting the bed and then lying in it. Being advanced academically and having friends are both excellent things, but neither are a guarantee he is neurotypical, and the anxiety alone is probably worth a professional consult so that you can have an expanded toolbox of strategies.

        1. Anxious Child Chewing on clothes*

          Thank you for your perspective. So in general the advice I’ve seen is that you need therapy if the anxiety is debilitating. It isn’t really, he’s a pretty happy kid, except for the chewing (and he doesn’t mind it, but I’m annoyed by the holes in clothes). I am a bit concerned about over-labeling kids who are basically normal and would grow out of it. He is also old enough (and is really into biology and medicine) to know about OCD, depression, ADHD, etc, so seeing a therapist might itself trigger anxiety. So I am being cautious.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I think you shouldn’t let your concern about over-labeling kids overshadow getting your kid the help he needs. Again, there is no harm in intervening early, while there can be harm in intervening too late.

            If seeing a therapist triggers anxiety at his age, then it’s likely he already has it. It seems like you might be trying to push him out of a label where it’s very possible that… one might fit?

            1. NeonFireworks*

              Yeah, get it checked out with a compassionate and well-trained pediatrician. Labels can overpathologize, but they can also help in terms of understanding and symptom management. (I needed my label badly, and adults kept saying “eh, I hate labels, you’re fine” – no I was not. I was suffering and didn’t understand why my brain was so messed up.)

          2. Not A Manager*

            You seem to be a bit… adverse… to the idea of having him evaluated or taking him for therapy. I don’t really think that therapy in itself generally triggers anxiety. Is there a particular reason that you think that because he is aware of various diagnoses, taking him to a therapist would be triggering?

            If he were triggered, do you think that a therapist might pretty easily be able to set his mind at ease?

          3. Natalie*

            I’m really curious where you’re seeing that one should only get therapeutic intervention for anxiety if it’s debilitating, because that does not jibe with my experience. But regardless of that, uh, this sounds pretty debilitating? The behaviors your describing sound like a child experiencing a lot of distress. Is avoiding a “label” more important that providing them with the help they need to actually feel better day to day?

            1. Generic Name*

              I also want to mention that some kids chew for reasons besides anxiety. Sometimes it’s sensory seeking. I wonder if a mental health professional diagnosed your child with anxiety and said that’s why they’re chewing, or of that’s just what you’re assuming. I’d encourage an open mind. I know I’ve been wrong in the past about why my kid does something.

      2. TL -*

        Given that’s he’s at the age where most kids would have grown out of the majority of those traits, I think it’s a least a possibility that they end up worsening instead of getting better, and you may get one under control only to be immediately thrown into another one rising into crisis level – I also suggest reaching out for assessment and support.

        A good child therapist will be aware that kids sometimes get stressed out by the possibility of something being wrong and will be able to guide/help you guide him through the process. They have a lot of tools you don’t have (yet) and they’ve definitely dealt with anxious kids before.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I replied in another comment that they make nice necklaces for oral self soothing. There’s the classic silicone pendant kind, but they also make braided fabric ones. Maybe he’d like the latter as an alternative?

      You could also try bribery. I used to chew my nails and got bribed with nice nail polish. That worked for me. Probably something different in your situation.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      My child went through a stage like that. She’d chew on anything that didn’t run fast enough. One of her Occupational Therapists said that the oral urge is very strong and very soothing. Your best bet is to find safe alternatives instead of trying to stop the chewing. First talk to your son about what he can and can’t chew on. Try and get his buy-in so you can work together on this. If he can have gum and he likes it, make a deal with him that if you catch him chewing on something he shouldn’t you’ll give him half a stick of gum. But if he comes to you and says he needs to chew then you’ll give him a whole stick of gum. That does require emotional sophistication, so it might not work at this age. You can also get food grade tubes in fun colors from an online sensory store. You can put it on the ends of his pencils or keep a couple lengths around for him to pick up and chew like Twizzlers. Find other things that are safe to chew on and have them accessible. Another way to scratch the itch is to feed him a sensory diet. This means foods that are crunchy or challenging to eat, like carrot sticks, pretzel rods, eating applesauce or pudding through a straw. You can search that term for more ideas. Another thing that might help is “heavy work”. That’s things like helping to carry groceries or pushing around a laundry basket of heavy books. Make a boy burrito by rolling him up in a blanket. I also found rhythmic activities like jumping rope, jumping on a trampoline, bouncing a ball (there’s a whole methodology and curriculum around bouncing a small ball using the wall and floor and different hands), etc to be helpful.

    4. my name is she-devil*

      I used to chew on my sleeves from about kindergarten to about fourth grade; I don’t remember what if anything my parents did, but I grew out of it by transitioning into constantly folding paper. Maybe he’d be interested in learning some origami? For me it was more about occupying my hands than the sensation of chewing specifically, and having something to do with my hands did prevent me from chewing on my sleeves.

      (This wasn’t entirely a solution because I did occasionally turn my homework into an accordion _before_ handing it in, and a few teachers were a bit disturbed by it when I folded during class. Sometimes instead I would wear a scarf with tassels (this only works in the winter) and just braid the tassels during class, which also helped.)

    5. First Grade Teacher*

      How do you know he’s neurotypical? Has he been assessed by a professional? If not, start there. This sounds pretty extreme and it’s unlikely to be addressed by anything you can do without professional guidance. Please get your kid the help he needs and deserves, as quickly as possible.

      1. Generic Name*

        I agree. Being on the spectrum doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with your kid. It simply information about how his brain works. It’s not a reflection on you as a parent, or his worth as a human.

    6. Christmas Carol*

      Have you discussed this with his dentist? When my gums get irritated, I find my self eating more chewy things for comfort.

  74. ThePear8*

    Does anybody recommend any good exercises/methods for preventing wrist pain?
    I’ve noticed recently I’ve been having a bit of pain in my wrists, nothing too serious, just kind of annoying but I’ve seen enough artists go out of commission for wrecking their wrists/hands that I’d rather not just ignore it and hope it gets better. I draw a lot and also these days everything I do is on the computer so I’m constantly typing/using a mouse/tablet etc. I want to keep my wrists/hands in good shape so I can keep doing the things I need and want to haha. So, any tips?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      When I was working at Starbucks I was getting quite a lot of wrist pain from repetitive motion. Wearing a brace at night to hold my hands/wrists in a neutral position helped a lot, as did some stretches that my massage therapist recommended. If you google “stretches for carpal tunnel” or “stretches for wrist pain” you’ll be able to see the kind of thing.

      Definitely do not ignore it! But you might want to cut back on the amount of time you spend on the computer as much as possible in the effort of keeping your wrists in good shape.

      1. ThePear8*

        Thanks! Yeah if I could cut back more I would love too, I’ve been trying to build in some more breaks into my day where I just go sit outside for a few minutes or go get a coffee or something and get away from the computer for a bit. Unfortunately pretty much everything I do is on the computer – all my classes are online this semester, I’m working an internship that is entirely remote, and I have artsy hobbies like drawing so I’m pretty much always using my wrists/hands haha. Hence why the pain concerns me though – I definitely don’t want it to get worse and prevent me from being able to do everything I need to.

    2. PollyQ*

      My advice is to see a doctor, pronto. I know several people who didn’t take hand/wrist pain seriously enough soon enough and were left with permanent damage.

    4. tangerineRose*

      I’ve found that if I’ve spent too much time with the mouse, sometimes drawing or writing by hand seems to help.

    5. NeonFireworks*

      The summer I wrote my master’s thesis, my wrists got so sore that I started wearing braces to bed every night. Getting a really good wrist support (a half circular gel thing) for mouse usage has helped as well, and making sure I wasn’t hunched over my computer (moving it and the mousepad away from the front of the desk, adjusting chair, etc.).

    6. PX*

      The video Holly linked to is a good start. I’ve seen similar videos and stretches, essentially the key is to build strength in your forearms, wrists and hands which many people dont do.

      Make sure your posture and desk setup are as good as they can be, often times wrist pain can be due to a poor setup.

      Finally, I’d really work on adding breaks to your routine so you are not sitting at your desk for hours at a time. So if its a lecture where you’re just listening, do that standing up! If you’re in a meeting for your internship where you’re just listening, roll your wrists around, shake your arms out, and do mini-stretches. I usually have a stress ball or something similar on my desk so that I am reminded to use it whenever I see it. Take your lunch/coffee breaks away from your computer whenever possible, and do 1 minute of stretches along the way. That kind of stuff really helps. You can get programs to remind you to take breaks as well, but I’m at a point now where getting up to stretch every so often is just habit.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I was dealing with wrist pain for a while. There are quite a few things to look at.
      I really want to encourage you to change your computer mouse if you have not already. I have a trackball mouse and it has brought big improvements to my mouse wrist.
      I really agree about the the wrist brace. I got some cheapies at a chain store and those did the trick. You may not have to spend big bucks.
      You can also look at diet/nutrition/hydration. Water is amazing in it’s ability to knock back various aches. Next up is veggies. I don’t know why but I had slipped away from eating veggies and boy did things start hurting and aching. And you may want to find a pro to help you, but i have had fantastic luck with adding collagen and mineral supplements.

      Last. I happen to have a TENS unit here. I put two pads on either side of my wrist. It felt so good, I can still swoon just thinking about how good it felt. And it did help to dial back my pain.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I have spent years being glued to the computer and I have had very few problems with my hands or wrists. I attribute this to having used a split ergonomic keyboard and a trackball or funky ergonomic mouse for at least 20 years now. Maybe I’ve just been lucky but I think it’s well worth trying, especially the trackball or another ergonomic mouse.

    8. KR*

      Good on you for addressing this early. I thought wrist pain and soreness was normal and a sign I was working hard, but now I have prearthritis in both wrists :/.

  75. Fellow Traveller*

    I asked a few weeks ago for suggestions for baked goods for a care package and got some enthusiastic votes for cookies. Well, plot twist – our oven just broke. But I can still fit a 9×9 pan in our toaster oven. So… two questions:
    1) Favorite bar cookies that would be good for mailing? I could also probably do something in a loaf pan.
    2) We need a new stove/ oven. Suggestions? Or features to look for? We have a gas stove. Husband is very much interested in something with a dual oven. I would like something reliable and durable. Budget is $2500-3000, though hopefully less.

    1. Coco*

      For 1, Brownies and blondies. Depends on your location / weather, may be better to choose a recipe without pieces of chocolate , peanut butter chips, anything that can melt. Pound cakes are great, esp those where you pour liquid (plain or flavored simple syrup) onto the cake after baking to keep the cake from drying out.

    2. Esmeralda*

      Brownies are great because (1) chocolate and (2) sturdy and (3) moist. They travel well. We also make a bar cookie with dates and pecans and a lot of brown sugar. It’s one my husbands great grandmother made. Again, it’s sturdy and moist. I recommend toasting the pecans first. If you like walnuts you can use those instead.

      Oven: Love my LG!

    3. Me*

      I have a separate range top and double wall ovens, so not quite the same but…

      Double or dual ovens might be a bit limiting in terms of size. Consider whether or not it’d fit a full sized turkey (if you cook those sorts of things.)

      Are both of the dual ovens self cleaning? (Only one of my two double ovens is self cleaning).

      Do you end up with two broilers or one?

      (Can’t recommend a particular model, since I’m still living in wall-oven-land. I’ll buy myself a Five Star 36” dual fuel range again one day.)

    4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      A 9″ round pan is just about half the size of a 9×13 pan, so if you have any favorite standard size recipes of your own, you can just cut them in half.

      My parent’s oven is a dual with a big bottom oven and a short top oven and it’s great. The top oven basically takes the space that would normally be the drawer. It heats up fast when you just want to do one layer of something and is plenty deep for cake pans and casseroles. The big oven is used for roasts, bread, and whenever the food won’t fit on one rack. Plus you can do different temperatures in the ovens. It’s great enough that they replaced it with the same concept in a different brand after the first one went caput.

      My parents had same size dual wall ovens in a previous house, and they were annoyingly small. I far prefer the big/little style.

    5. WG*

      I bought a KitchenAid oven a few years that I really like. It has a dual oven, but they are different sizes. The top oven is smaller and perfect for our day-to-day needs of a two-person household. The bottom oven is just about the size of our former single oven and can easily fit a 20-22 lb. turkey.

    6. Llellayena*

      My mom is able to make an entire recipe of chocolate biscotti in her toaster oven. The tray that comes with the toaster is just the right size. Look for a recipe that starts with Ghirardelli brownie mix. Yummm!

    7. Not A Manager*

      I recommend these fruitcake bars. It’s basically any dried fruit and nuts that you like, bound with a tiny tiny amount of batter. I use raisins and tart dried cherries, and pecans instead of walnuts. When they say “press batter into pan” they mean it. Use your damp hand or some parchment paper to really compress the batter, otherwise it will fall apart when you slice it.

      The glaze is the beauty part. I usually use rum but brandy is good too. These keep beautifully and are excellent for shipping.

      2. Not A Manager*

        Hm. My link hasn’t posted. Google southern living and fruitcake bars. You’ll get an annoying article with a link in tiny tiny letters that you can click on for the actual recipe.

      1. Cold feet, cold heart*

        Thanks for this- went to the manufacturer website and found some suitable for walking around. Excellent!

  77. Loopy*

    My husband just let me know he will have some time off for building closure in early Dec (he can’t work from home) and we’d like to do a long weekend away- somewhere within a days drive of SC to avoid flying. But of course no one knows how covid will be then that I want to keep that in mind and assume it’ll be still a significant issue in Dec.

    He was furloughed the entire lockdown so he would *really* like to do something that’s not a staycation. He suggested looking into how safe Disney’s been with their reopening restrictions…. but I’m already worried about that idea.

    Has anyone here found any particularly covid friendly getaway options? He’s open to other ideas and I’m struggling for ideas/places that would avoid crowds but still offer some fun things to do. Has anyone found anything that allows a bit more safe options than the more traditional crowded vacation ideas? Bonus points for specific ideas in our area.

    1. CatCat*

      Are there any outdoorsy destinations you could go to? We did an Airbnb at a popular lake a couple hours away and went during the week when it was way less crowded than the weekends. There was plenty of space to enjoy lake activities with social distancing and it was good to have a change of scenery.

      1. Loopy*

        I love outdoorsy stuff but my husband wouldn’t want to do enough of it to fill an entire long weekend, unfortunately. His favorite vacation is a jam packed itinerary in a bustling city, which is why I’m struggling! Also Dec here is weird because it gets cold but not cold enough to do fun snowy stuff! I don’t know that it would be snowy anywhere that early either sadly. But it’s a great suggestion!

    2. Llellayena*

      Biltmore mansion. They’ll have their Christmas displays up but probably smaller crowds due to Covid and Asheville and the surrounding area has enough to keep you occupied (indoors and out) for a long weekend. It’s also a more isolated area so more limited Covid risk.

      1. Lifelong student*

        I was going to suggest Asheville as well. We enjoyed our stay there- took the trolley ride around town. Didn’t get to Biltmore because it is rather pricey and we were there in March- so didn’t think it would be worth the money given the season.

      2. Loopy*

        Argh I wish we hadn’t done this exact thing a few years back because I LOVED IT!!! However, my husband is not into being regulars, he travels rarely and always wants to take the chance to do /try something new. Admittedly though I loved it, I probably would like to do something different too. But honestly, perfect suggestion and may still keep no it as a back up.

  78. Canuck girl*

    Hey all – I’d love some perspective on observations on my mom’s memory that scared me a bit. My mom (in my mid-60s) has demonstrated to me that she seems to forget possibly minor facts from recent conversations with me and I don’t know if I should worry. For context, she doesn’t with me, she lives with my dad, they are both still working, their house is in good order, they take good care of each other. She is an accountant and does a good job as far as I know; she still gives me solid advice. I have two examples, however, that freaked me out a little. First, the week after I came back from a few night roadtrip/vacation, I was complaining, as one does, that I only took a week of vacation and wasn’t looking forward to going back to work. She empathized and said that at least I still have a few weeks of vacation left in the year and can take another week later on. I was telling her this while she was shopping, I think, and she admitted she was having a tough week at work and was very tired. A week later when we were chatting, she told me she thought I was still on vacation, that I took two weeks off. This freaked me out – I brought it up to her, but she said that she had a difficult week, that at the time I was telling her many things about my road trip (this is true) and it may have been difficult to keep track of everything.

    And today’s example…yesterday we were talking about what time I should go over to my folks’ place for dinner. They have a lot of errands today and I offered to come over about an hour earlier to help prepare part of dinner while they were still out. This morning, she called me to ask something related to this evening, and I brought up if she wants me to come over earlier to help prep. She said that I didn’t say that, that she told me that she will let me know if their plans change in any way regarding the timing of dinner (this part is true). Should I worry?? I asked if she’s forgotten other things, but she said nope. She (jokingly) said that she has had an issue with people occasionally telling her she said certain things / committed to things that she doesn’t recall doing. I gently suggested perhaps seeing her doctor, but she is very resistant to seeing any kind of doctor, even for a routine blood test (don’t get me started….).

    Other than that, at least as far as I know, she’s functioning well at her job, she also has a part time gig that she also works at, her and my father recently came back from a rather complicated but enjoyable road trip of their own, that she planned in entirety.

    I (of course) googled things like “early onset dementia” and “early onset Alzheimers” but the symptoms listed for those searches are very significant changes in personality, habits, etc. Am I being paranoid? Or is this normal for aging? I I realize, of course, that it’s difficult to answer something like this without knowing my mom, her medical history, etc (no major diseases or anything like that btw), but any perspective would be helpful..I’m kind of freaking out.

    1. Alex*

      I don’t think either of those examples alone is something to worry about. It sounds more like in the moment she wasn’t paying full attention to what you were saying.

      For some perspective, my mom has herself been convinced she is getting Alzheimers and dementia and brings up much more significant memory lapses than what you describe, and her doctors have told her it is normal/nothing to worry about.

    2. fhgwhgads*

      It could be normal age-related forgetfulness. It could be normal pandemic-stress-induced forgetfulness. It could be something more serious. From this sample, it’s very hard to say.
      That said, other than suggesting she be evaluated, if you wanted to try to get yourself another data point, you could always have her try to draw a clock, or a cube. They don’t need to look perfect, but if they’re very obviously askew, that’s a sign to have her evaluated by a medical professional and a more clear indicator there’s probably an issue.

    3. fposte*

      There’s a reason people start talking about CRAFT syndrome—can’t remember an effing thing. It’s a pretty common aspect of aging. Some of it, I maintain, is that there’s just too much stored in the memory banks, so it’s like trying to find a piece of paper in a hoarded house. But it’s real and it’s not Alzheimer’s. Not saying what your mom does and doesn’t have, but it’s been a long time since I remembered somebody’s vacation plans without resort to a calendar.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Eh, and it can suddenly get wildly worse with a heavy grief. Then the dust settles and the brain goes back to functioning as it should.

        OP, I think what you are seeing is very normal stuff. No one has perfect memory, no one. Most people I know would stumble over these types of things that you show here. I know most of my friends would. One helpful thing to remember is that it’s your life not hers, so of course you remember because you need to remember.

        Additionally, what I see is that she is maintaining a household and working. If you were looking at dementia there would be other things going on, not just glitches in conversation with you. It sounds like she should work with a calendar to organize her activities. I have turned 60 and I am finding that there is just more and more crap to remember. I drop some balls. So now I just calendarize the stuff I am most apt to forget.

    4. Canuck girl*

      Thank you! Virtual hugz of thanks! All that you three wrote above makes sense. She def does tune me out sometimes when she’s distracted with her netflix or watching too much news (she know waaay too many covid stats)…even though she denies it, I can sometimes tell. I myself forgot that yup, covid can cloud the best of minds, it’s a huge extra mental load…and she works at a stressful office on the best day, pre-covid, and now add a pandemic and a boss who doesn’t enforce (or believe in..smh) mask wearing indoors.

      fposte – the CRAFT acronym and your explanation gave me a much needed chuckle, all true for sure, you just wrote it in a sympathetic and slightly comedic way :) thank you

      1. Masked Bandit*

        I’m so glad you asked this question because I’ve been having similar worries with my mom for a couple years now (she’ll be 60 next year). It’s a noticeable difference than my dad, who is a year younger and is just as sharp as he’s always been, so I was concerned if it’s something to keep an eye on with her.

    5. RagingADHD*

      This sounds more like attention issues than dementia issues.

      Menopause, stress, fatigue, and preoccupation can all cause stuff like this to crop up in folks who never dealt with it before. (For some of us it’s lifelong).

    6. PollyQ*

      I’m about a decade younger than your mom, and already having minor “fits” of forgetfulness like this. Unfortunately, I think it’s just a normal part of aging. I also think the modern trend of multi-tasking all the time, both online and IRL, has caused many of us to focus less well, along with all the stressors of 2020.

    7. acmx*

      These things she forgot are things about you more than things she was an active participant in.
      If she asks you a question and keeps forgetting the answer, you run errands with her and she forgets what kind of vehicle you drive (you have a van and she goes to a car), doesn’t understand time of day, forgets how to play games she’s played for years etc then she might have dementia.

    8. Eeeek*

      Am I reading this right that you are in your early 60s so your mom would be minimum 80 years old maybe 90? That level of forgetfulness seems normal for someone of that age

      1. Lizzie*

        And your mum may be losing her hearing a little, so if she is looking at you she is hearing you but when she isn’t, she misses small bits of the conversation and her brain fills in the missing bits, which may not be quite correct. Also a normal part of getting older!

  80. Lost in the Woods*

    I might be too late this weekend – but has anyone used a dawn simulator alarm clock? I think it might work for me, since in the summer I’m able to wake up on time without an alarm, and I vastly prefer it to a regular noise alarm. Have they been effective for anyone? Any recommendations?

    1. merope*

      I have one that I bought for under $20 on Amazon (HomeLabs) and so far it is wonderful! You can set the light to come on 10, 20, or 30 minutes prior to your preferred wakeup time, and there is an option to add a noise at the alarm time in case the light doesn’t get you up. The light brightens gradually; I have it somewhat sheltered from the bed so that it doesn’t shine right in my eyes. It isn’t quite sunlight, but it triggers my “it’s light so it must be time to get up” signal, which is much nicer than waking to the alarm (and less shocking to the system).

      1. Ali G*

        I have this one too and it’s great! I use the 30 min setting and it works great for me.
        I also have a bigger and brighter light I use during the day if I can’t get out for some daylight. I use it for 20 min in the late morning.

      2. Lost in the Woods*

        Oh, nice – I want to make sure it actually works for me before dropping $$$ on one, and this seems like a great option!

    2. Llama face!*

      I like mine but personally have a hard enough time waking that I still need a noise function too. My daylight alarm gradually brightens over 30 min and then starts playing music (quieter to louder). It does seem to help me wake up more gently and pleasantly than a regular alarm clock. A few times when I was especially well-rested I have woken up before the music started playing. If you normally wake up well based on light changes in summer, it might be a good choice for you. :)

      1. Llama face!*

        I got mine from an online Walmart seller and it was pretty cheap. I paid under $30 Canadian, I think. It’s the common circular model with a doughnut of light around the clock display (there are a lot of similar models with small variations in timer-length options, light colour,s and sounds. Mine also has a slow dimming effect for bedtime which I use every night that you can set for 15, 30, or 60 minutes.

    3. Nessun*

      I have a Philips brand light which imitates a sunrise, and I find it very useful. You set it for how long “sunrise” will take, and it goes from dark through red, orange, yellow, white light in tiny incremental changes just like the real thing. It also has two alarms on it, which you can set to radio or nature sounds that grow louder over time. I like to pit the nature sounds alarm on with the sunrise function and I wake when it’s about halfway done. I’m in Edmonton, so we’re far enough north for sun for only 9 hours or so in peak winter, and this light works really well to get me up then.

    4. Pocket Mouse*

      I’ve got an older (~2014) Phillips SmartSleep-style alarm. It isn’t as bright as regular light fixtures, and/but works great for my needs. I only use it for the light, though there is sound too- I’ve had the light 5-10 feet away and a sound alarm I can reach without getting up. Keep in mind your goal- are you aiming to wake up when there’s any light at all, or when it’s as bright as can be?

    5. it happens*

      Yes- have the Phillips, tho my only complaint is that the bird sounds that come on if you don’t stop the light once it reaches full brightness just don’t cut it with me. It is still by my bed for occasional use.
      I liked the concept so much that I replaced the lightbulb in my overhead fixture with a LIFX color bulb- so now the whole room lights up as if the sunrise is happening. Infinitely adjustable from my phone to time, timing and color.

    6. acmx*

      I tried one – low end Phillips – and the problem I had was that the clock numbers were too bright. Dimmable display might be an option you want.

  81. Ali G*

    Hey! It’s late but maybe some folks are still hanging around (I’ve been busy most weekend with a big painting project in our basement bathroom).
    Anyway, does anyone have a seasoning they like for protein that has not salt or sugar? I’m OK with making it myself, but I am lost without salt. Are there any store bought ones you would reccomend?
    Thanks! I’ll check back after coat 2 on the ceiling :)

    1. Belle*

      I like to use many of the Mrs. Dash seasonings. The grilled chicken blend is the one I used this week but there are many varities and without salt. I don’t think most have sugar either.

      1. San Juan Worm*

        Sumac has a wonderful lemony flavor that’s delicious on protein! It’s a primary ingredient in za’atar which usually has salt, but which you could make from scratch by adding thyme and sesame for a salt-free version. Also, if you’re in the U.S., Penney’s has something called Mural of Flavor that is salt- and sugar-free.

    2. Cabin Fever*

      Yes! Check out Gryffon Ridge Spice Merchants (link in reply below). Most of their blends don’t have salt, and they list all their ingredients. I don’t think any of their blends have sugar. A lot of their blends are organic, too. Their Ras El Hanout is delicious and great for lamb. I love their Poultry Seasoning for roasted chicken – it’s like Bell’s but so much tastier. The Back Bay blend is great on fish. They have some amazing ones for beef, too. Basically just try all of them, they’re all fantastic :)

    4. Workerbee*

      I get stuff from Penzey’s. Incidentally, their Sunny Paris seems to go with just about everything. I’ve switched from salt and peppering eggs to this exclusively.

      1. SpellingBee*

        Seconding Penzey’s! They have many salt-free seasoning mixes and all their stuff is great. I love the Sunny Paris for eggs too. Another one of my current favorites is Mural of Flavor, excellent on chicken and fish.

  82. AM*

    I might be too late for anyone to see this this weekend, but has anyone else bought a house and soon regretted it? I bought just before covid struck, last November. I was traveling for work immediately after purchase, and had a contractor do ~50K of renovations before I moved in, mostly to the kitchen and master bath. Now that I am living in the house full time, I just hate it. Parking has become a nightmare for me. I don’t have the option to telecommute (I work at a hospital, and am frequently on nights) and a lot of people work from home and rarely move their cars (street parking only; no way to add a driveway/pad). It’s a downtown neighborhood, and crime rates have increased the last few months. I sometimes have to park several blocks from my house and walk home late at night, and don’t feel totally safe. I am aware I should really have held out for a house with off-street parking- I didn’t know it would affect how I felt about the house so much.

    Is it totally ridiculous to put the house on the market for these reasons, especially after doing so much work to it after purchase? I have no clue what the future will bring real estate market wise- right now, houses in my neighborhood seem to be selling quickly (very much a seller’s market, despite the issues I’ve mentioned above).

    1. BRR*

      First, it’s not ridiculous to sell a house you don’t like. And if parking is the headache and you’re parking every day, then every day is a headache. But if it’s just the parking, would it be possible to buy/rent a spot?

      The overall housing trend is its a sellers market, so you could very well do ok financially on your place despite just recently buying it depending on your area. The biggest challenge right now is lenders are super backed up, which could be a headache as both a buyer and seller (a coworker’s closing has been delayed a month now).

      1. AM*

        Thanks for your reply. It’s not possible to buy/rent a spot nearby, unfortunately- only a few properties around here have off-street parking, and they use it. The nearest I found willing where they’d be willing to rent is 2 blocks away, and that seems kind of far. I am feeling like an idiot for not considering parking more, but before covid, I was always able to find parking within a couple houses of my own.

        1. Insurance mom*

          It sounds as if COVID has changed the culture of your neighborhood. I’d at least test the market for selling and moving on. This isn’t working for you

    2. valentine*

      This is a great reason to sell.

      In the meantime, ask your neighbors if anyone would mind moving their car at x:00 when you’re working nights. Can you stay overnight at the hospital or start a rideshare with colleagues? Would a cab be out of the question?

    3. Parenthetically*

      It’s absolutely not ridiculous to sell your house for those reasons — they sound totally legitimate and worth changing things around for.

    4. Mimosa Jones*

      If property is selling well in your neighborhood, then this is a great time to be selling. If the market changes you don’t want to be stuck in a place that makes you feel this unsafe and unhappy. Cut your losses and free yourself up to find something better for you. This Covid lifestyle isn’t going away anytime soon.

    5. Anono-me*

      You can sell anytime you are ready to.

      I would suggest meeting with a realtor (or three) first before making any decisions. There is no sense in selling and moving unless it is to a home that does meet your needs. So the two questions that I would suggest asking are: 1. What price would your current home sell for? 2. What is currently available in your price range and commuting area?

  83. Imaginary Number*

    How do you deal with people constantly asking you about an obvious injury?

    I’ve had to show up to work on crutches, in a boot, or limping and obviously injured (for different reasons) multiple times in the past few years and every time I get absolutely sick of having to explain to every single person I pass why I’m in a boot or why I’m on crutches.

    I appreciate my coworkers concern, but I get tired of explaining what happened, especially since I’m also dealing with the fact that I’m in pain and exhausted from using crutches and just don’t want to relive the injury a hundred times. I’ve tried using the humorous response like, “Got into a fight with a Bear!” but it only seems to prolong the conversation. I’ve also tried being direct “I don’t want to talk about it” but that also seems to make it worse because then they act super concerned, “Okay, well, I hope you feel better. Let me know if you need anything.” No, Dave. I’ve barely spoken five words to you before today and if I needed something I probably wouldn’t be going to you.

    Some of my coworkers know I play roller derby, which is sometimes related and sometimes not. So I inevitably get something like “Oh, did someone punch you on your rollerblades?” (No, there’s no punching in roller derby and also we don’t wear rollerblades, but I also don’t want to explain that when I’m in pain.)

    1. Parenthetically*

      “Oh, it’s nothing major, just a silly sprain/twist/minor injury/whatever!” *smile*

      Alternatively: “It’s nothing, but I’m just so bored of talking about it — please, rescue me/take pity on me and talk about literally anything else!”

    2. Pamela Adams*

      My two years in a cast/wheelchair led me to a lot of ‘I kicked a student.’ (I work at a university) However, I also found that the truth, said breezily and with a ‘moving on’ subject change, worked too.
      If crutches are difficult/uncomfortable, you might look into a knee scooter.

    3. Not A Manager*

      You might try something that means “I don’t want to talk about it” but that isn’t so emphatic. You’re right that for some reason people seem to hear that as “I have a big secret.”

      What about things like, “oh super boring mishap,” or “twisted my ankle!” I think the secret is not to leave that hanging, which encourages follow up questions. You need to segue immediately to “but how are you doing today?” or “what’s up with Wanda in Accounting?” or whatever.

      If they do follow up, I’ve found that the most effective thing is to literally repeat what you just said, in the same tone. “Just a boring mishap!” “Oh yeah, twisted my ankle!”

  84. Mimmy*

    Site question: It may just be me, but I’ve noticed that this site has gone down a bit lately, usually getting a “can’t find server” error (I use Safari). These downtimes thankfully only last a few minutes, but I was curious if anyone else has encountered this. I imagine it’s from the ever-increasing traffic through this site, which is certainly a good thing :)

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