weekend open thread – September 5-6, 2020

by Alison Green on September 5, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: One to Watch, by Kate Stayman-London. A friend recommended this and I was skeptical, but it’s very enjoyable: It’s about the first plus-sized contestant on a Bachelorette-like show, who is rightly cynical about the show but agrees to go on to help her brand, and what happens. It skewers some of the worst parts of reality TV and talks more honestly than you often see about weight.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. c_g2*

    I’m trying to organize my stuff. I collect crystals and perfume (alongside other stuff — but these two are giving me the most trouble). Any ideas? I have 1 display case for the crystals that I received as a gift, otherwise I’ve been repurposing other boxes to display them.

    1. Germank106*

      Rotate them. I collect Elephants and my collection is way too large (well over 100 pieces) to display at one time. I show off about two dozen of them at a time and keep the rest in boxes. When I get tired of looking at the same ones I rotate them. There’s only three that stay out all the time because they have a very special meaning.

    2. Experienced perfumista*

      I’m a pretty serious fragrance collector, and here is what I have learned. Perfume flacons should be kept out of the light, and away from any heat source.

      I don’t keep the original presentation boxes from each perfume flacon, so I have several large storage boxes in which I store them alphabetically by house (Amouage, Byredo, Chanel…). I have perfumista friends who store them by season, or even by fragrance family (floral, woody, fresh, amber/spice). What most of us have in common is that we select a few flacons to display (on a vanity or shelf, but in a low-light area) for the week or month or season, and then we rotate them out.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A friend recently shared a wall display from a Rock Hounds group on FB.
      Depending on the size of the crystals, you might get a really lovely effect hanging them as a mobile.
      I’ll post the links separately.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Rock samples wire-wrapped & wall-mounted : https://www.facebook.com/groups/NWRockhounds/permalink/2918279014897882/
        One artist who’s shared how he makes his mobiles: https://www.marcomahler.com/wire-for-hanging-mobile/
        ….and one person who’s made a suncatcher mobile out of crystal beads: http://www.jewelrymaking-beads-library.com/handmade-crafts-ch0230.html
        On second thought this might mean too much dusting. And possibly get too much interest from cats if you have them!

        1. Osmoglossum*

          holy cow. those wall-mounted rocks/crystals/gems are stunning! thanks for sharing the link, SSC!

    5. Lovesick or Something*

      Maybe get a little display area where you can display them together? KKW Fragrance has the crystal collection and it would be cool to use those to tie them together! (I have 3/4 of them & personally love the scents and get lots of compliments, but am in no way a perfume expert.)

    6. charo*

      Ikea has an all-glass square cabinet w/glass shelves, not that pricey. I was planning to put my crystal chunks in one, and then realized I could also display my semi-precious beads that are waiting to be strung, too!

      The beads may go in a glass bowl, maybe w/a few “dripping out” — maybe some fine sand underneath them.

      It hit me that the beads, esp. faceted Carnelian and Amethyst, are the same stone as the agate, quartz, and amethyst chunks, and would look nice displayed instead of in the closet. It’s fun to think of the raw chunks and the smooth and faceted beads coexisting.

      I envision this tall glass cube sitting near a window to catch the light.
      Perfume needs to be away from that heat, I realize.

      Anyway, I like figuring out I have a collection I never see because all those beads are hidden away, and am looking forward to putting it together on display. The energy should encourage me to string some beads, and even if I don’t, I’ll enjoy looking at them.

    7. it's-a-me*

      I have a coffee table with a glass top and displayed inside are all my crystals. It was from Ikea though I bought mine secondhand.

  2. AnnaAnon*

    I read the House in the Cerulean Sea, Alison’s book recommendation from last week. I loved it– great recommendation! I’m not usually much for fantasy but it was really well suited for people who liked Harry Potter but not much more from the genre. Does anyone have recommendations for other things that fall in that category?

    1. Lady Heather*

      I’m reading Earthsea right now and having a blast. It’s very coming-of-agy with an interesting twist on magic and a strong focus on personal responsibility.

      1. Np*

        Oh my days, I am also reading Earthsea! Can’t imagine how it slipped past me as a child. Highly recommend. (The audiobooks by Kobna Holdbrook-Smith are phenomenal, too.)

        1. Not Cut Out for Mgmt*

          If you can find the first audiobook of “A Wizard of Earthsea,” it was read by Ursula LeGuin and Harlan Ellison. Well worth finding.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      In the category of YA fiction about trainee wizards, Diane Duane’s Young Wizard series is lovely (starting with “So You Want to be a Wizard”). Secret wizardry alongside normal society, but it also addresses issues like telling your family members about wizardry, and why adolescents are risking their lives while adult wizards stand by and watch. I also like the way the two main characters come from generally healthy, supportive families, rather than the standard trope of abused orphan with powers.

      The first few books pre-date Harry Potter, but the series is still in progress. I think newer editions of the first few books have been updated a bit in terms of technology.

    3. Np*

      I also loved the Dark is Rising series. I try to read it every Christmas and it never fails to entrance me. (Less Harry Potter, more fantasy — but still within our world, if that makes sense.)

    4. Bagpuss*

      Anything at all by Diana Wynne Jones . Her work varies in setting and in the age group it’s aimed at but the Chrestomanci books are a lot of fun, (a world mostly like ours, with occasional visitors from ours, where magic is a normal part of life which some people can do and some can’t, and which is offered as an optional subject in school) or ‘Deep Secret’ and They Merlin Conspiracy’ which are adult rather than YA .

      2. Book Lover*

        I am listening to the audiobooks after reading them a dozen times and it is wonderful to get someone else’s take on them – how the different characters talk and express themselves.

      3. Stormfeather*

        I also love Rivers of London (and am actually re-reading them now!), but I’d describe them more as Dresden Files meets London Cops myself. Not sure how much overlap they’d have with Harry Potter fandom but… maybe? Certainly worth a try.

    7. TechWorker*

      Rosewater by Tade Thompson I loved. You’ve reminded me I need to look up if the sequel is out yet :)

    8. Kage*

      The Name of the Wind (also called The Kingkiller Chronicle: Day One) by Patrick Rothfuss. It’s amazing and long and you will never want it to end. There are a couple in that series out already; fans have been waiting for the next book for awhile. But it’s so good and very accessible to folks who like Harry Potter but not usually all fantasy.

      3. Forensic13*

        I have to say, I liked the first book and HATED the second one. All the interactions with women started to feel really gross to me.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          Yep, this, from both my husband and me. Loved the first one, the second one was mediocre at best and the women sucked.

    9. Mystery Bookworm*

      A different sort of mood, but I highly recommend Carlos Ruiz Zafon as good fantasy for people who don’t love fantasy (maybe it’s more magical realism).

      I also really enjoy the Shadow and Bone series, by Leigh Bardugo

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        I should also note: I seem to remember Christopher Moore, William Goldman and Eli Brown’s Cinnamon and Gunpowder: A Novel as having a similar-ish tone to last week’s recommendation. But it has been years since I’ve read any of the above, so I could be off.

        Cinnamon and Gunpowder is technically not fantasy (pirates and chefs) but also sufficiantly historically innaccurate that it kind of IS fantasy, just with no magic.

    10. Ranon*

      F.T. Lukens “Fair Play” and “Monster of the Week” have a very similar gentleness to them- they’re YA but the angst feels more like the author is sympathetic to what it’s like to be a teenager rather than trying to see how much angst and trauma can fit into a teen. And the fantasy side has that “unusual but also totally normal” vibe that Cerulean Sea does.

      1. Ranon*

        Argh, wrong title – should be “The Rules and Regulations for Mediating Myths and Magic” not “Fair Play” (Libby lied to me).

    11. Bittersweet_silver*

      Favorite of all time—the Old Kingdom books by Garth Nix (start with Sabriel). It’s got mystery, really cool magic, and a great female lead. When I first read it I was so riveted I tried to let my parents leave me in the car to keep reading…in the parking lot an amusement park. The additional books are also incredible stories; I’ve also devoured pretty much anything else Nix has published as well over time.

    12. Book Lover*

      Agree with so many above – Susan Cooper, Diana Wynne Jones is extraordinary, contemporary – Ben Aaronovitch, Ilona Andrews for something a bit different. Classics – Chronicles of Prydain, Earthsea.
      My son likes Rick Riordan, especially the newer ones which i think are a bit better written than the first Percy Jackson books.
      Dearly love Naomi Novik also.

    13. Ali*

      For fantasy genre, I really love the Graceling Series by Kristin Cashore, which starts with the book Graceling. It’s a terrific exploration of the psychology behind abusive family relationships (but not gory or explicit) and is also just a great adventure story. For sci-fi, I love The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, which has a lovely theme of found-family.

    14. elizabeth*

      I realized recently, as someone who has always thought of myself is not really liking fantasy, that I am really interested in YA contemporary urban fantasy. there’s less world building I think than historical fantasy tends to have. The shadow shaper series by Daniel José older and a song below water by Bethany Morrow are both great! Also for something that is like a gay version of Harry Potter, the Simon snow series by rainbow Rowell also works!

    16. c-*

      Laura Gallego’s stuff is great, too! Finis Mundi is one of her less fantasy-focused books and it is a great read, short and with a very interesting plot. I’d recommend starting there to see if you like her writing.

    18. Everdene*

      I have recently fallen hard for The Chronicals of St Mary’s by Jodi Taylor, despite having never heard of her 6 months ago I am now trying not to open book 11 before my holidays next week. The first is called Just One Dammed Thing After Another. It’s about historians who investigate events in contempory time. It’s funny, dramatic, educational, silly, emotional and fast paced. Light but not vacuous. Perfect stories for during All This.

    19. allathian*

      The Chronicles of Tornor (Watchtower, The Dancers of Arun, and The Northern Girl) by Elizabeth A. Lynn. It’s not contemporary fantasy, but the books are fairly short. The first two are about 250 pages and the last one is about 350 pages, so while there’s some world-building it’s not excessive. The books were published in 1979 and 1980, and they’re most notable for having mainly lesbian and gay main characters, very unusual for the time. Even more unusually, there’s no fuss about it. The main characters do have their challenges to overcome, but they’re not ostracized for being homosexual. I usually reread the series about once a year.

        1. allathian*

          :) My favorite is The Dancers of Arun, even if I realize that the incestuous relationship between Kel and Kerris (brothers raised apart who meet again in young adulthood/late adolescence) can be a bit too much for some. It’s odd, but I don’t feel the same way about incestuous homosexual relationships as straight ones, probably because there’s no risk of a pregnancy. (I would be seriously disgusted by a story about a brother and sister who have a sexual relationship, even if they were raised apart and didn’t think of each other as brother and sister).

    20. OtterB*

      If you like historical fiction, then you might check out these historical-feeling fantasy series:

      The Glamourist Histories by Mary Robinette Kowal. Begins with Shades of Milk and Honey. Has the feel of Regency romance with magic. Kowal also has a wonderful alternate-history series about early space travel beginning with The Calculating Stars; try this if you like the Hidden Figures book/movie.

      Mairelon series (duology) by Patricia C. Wrede. Begins with Mairelon the Magician. Also Regency with magic, but different from Kowal – more humor, delightful urchin in trouble, a YA-ish feel to it. Also by Wrede, I love the Enchanted Forest series and reread it often.

      The Lady Trent series by Marie Brennan, beginning with A Natural History of Dragons. A lady biologist traveling the world, has the feel of Victorian-era travels and science.

  3. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Crocheting update! I have finished two scarves and have started a third. I made a dishcloth. I made a cat toy, which the cats didn’t care about. I am really enjoying it!

    However, I started this blanket, which you make by doing five separate scarves and then sewing them together … and have hugely messed it up. I didn’t do a swatch first to check the gauge (I know), and I realized when I was nearly done with the first scarf piece of it that I had made it far, far too wide. I considered just doing the other four pieces that wide too (since they all need to match), but I think it’ll be enormous and take forever. So I’m going to rip out all the work on it and start again.

    Some questions for crocheters, spurred by that project:

    1. When you’re making a blanket, are there advantages to doing it as one big piece (as opposed to multiple separate pieces that you then sew together)? When I imagine doing it as a single piece, it seems like it would be unwieldy to make because of the size. But is there an advantage to the finished project if you do it as all one piece? Does it look better if you don’t have seams from sewing the pieces together?

    2. For that project linked above, if I want to do double crochet instead of half double, would the rest of the pattern still work? I know double crochet will probably make it a little longer, which I’m fine with, but I wasn’t sure if it was a bad idea to mess with the instructions in that way.

    Thanks to everyone who’s been guiding me on this! It’s been so nice to have a place where I can ask questions, since I’ve been relying on YouTube videos to teach me.

    1. Tortally HareBrained*

      1. I personally prefer blankets all in one and have learned to fold them as I work. But if you get satisfaction from finishing smaller pieces then you may enjoy working it that way. For the effect of the blanket you’ve chosen I think you’ll need to do it in pieces.

      2. Yes swapping to double crochet should just make it longer which could change the proportion on your blanket but otherwise should be okay.

    2. RagingADHD*

      1) The advantage of doing a color-blocked piece as one large project instead of piecing it would be strength. Since you’re joining the yarn at only one point, it’s going to be worked into the previous rows more securely than if you stitched it.

      That benefit is marginal, unless the piece is subject to abnormally hard wear. The convenience of having smaller strips is usually a bigger advantage.

      If you join the new color and work the blocks together, you will have a row that’s half one color and half the other. So you would get a cleaner edge by working them separately and stitching them together. That’s really an aesthetic choice.

      2) Since all the stitches in the pattern are the same, it doesn’t matter a whole lot whether you use dc or hdc. It will slightly change the scale and make it a slightly looser/more open texture. As long as you’re consistent, either one is fine.

    3. Yvette*

      Can you make the too wide strip the center and the other four narrower, or make it the center and instead of four more thinner strips two more wider strips to add up to the intended width?

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yes, I was thinking this too, have the first wide strip in the center. You can make the other four narrower like Yvette said, or even keep them the original width they were supposed to be. The blanket might be a little longer or wider than you planned for but nothing wrong with that.

      2. CC*

        As far as doing it in strips or one full blanket, just make sure you don’t stop when finish all the strips but have not put them together. There are a lot of knitting & crocheting projects in the world that the bulk of the project is done but no one ever put the pieces together!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          That gives me a smile… my mother loved to knit. Her friend next door loved to crochet. When Mom made a sweater, Mrs.Crochet would connect the panels. I miss them both.

    4. tangerineRose*

      People who like crochet and cozy mysteries will probably like Betty Hechtman’s books since they’re about both.

    5. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      I’m really glad you have found your “crojo” (crochet mojo).

      I generally make blankets out of 12″ squares, with a very visible sc join. Benefits include manageability and also so I don’t get bored. I do baby blankets all in one because it makes them sturdier and it doesn’t matter about the weight and size.

      You can do invisible joins, eg whip stitch, or you could look out for decorative joins where the join is a design feature. There are some very pretty lacy patterns.

    6. Germank106*

      If you work this in double crochet your blanket will be quite a bit larger, but you can stick with the pattern without a problem. The only thing you should do different is to chain 2 at the beginning of each row instead of chain 2. The extra stitch will bring your beginning stitch to the same height as the double crochets. I actually like to make blankets in pieces. For a throw or baby blanket one piece is just fine, but for a queen size bedspread the large amount of stitches is a bit overwhelming. I’m currently working on the Snowflake afghan. https://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/snowflake-afghan

      It’s 59 motifs but I join as I go and I crochet over my ends, so I don’t have to weave in a lot of ends when I am finished.

      1. Germank106*

        The second sentence should read “chain 3 at the beginning of each row instead of chain 2.” Looks like I have fumble fingers today (and probably not enough coffee yet)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I agree that a double crochet will be “taller” than a half double and your blanket will be noticeably longer. You might be able to find a logical stopping point in the repeat of the pattern and end it earlier in order to get it around the approximate finished size. Yarn is also a consideration, tweaks can blindside with suddenly there is not enough yarn.

        I do like the more open weave of double crochet. To me it works like a thermal blanket, where excess warmth seems to drift away and I retain only the warmth I need. I never wake up because of being too warm with a thermal blanket.

      3. RagingADHD*

        The pattern rows run widthwise, and the length is just “continue until strip measures X”

        So the only difference is that she will get there in fewer rows.

    7. MistOrMister*

      Re question 1, with crochet I would much prefer to work smaller sections and then sew them together. I’ve done this with some knitting projects and it works well as long as you make sure to keep measuring and get each panel the same size. I have a crochet blanket I’m working on that is all one piece and I just hate it! I find the hand I use to hold the needle gets too tense because I run the yarn through my pinky and hold is as tight as can be and it is just awful. The bigger the work gets, the more difficult it is for me to keep going, and I have trouble controlling the piece as I work But I guess this is a personal quirk of mine as many people seem to be able to crochet without issues.

    8. Slinky*

      I’m glad you’re enjoying it! Making toys is my favorite. I can’t have pets right now, so I’ve filled my apartment with amigurumi cats. Since toys generally use less yarn, it can be a fun way to use up scraps.

      It looks like others have answered question 2 pretty well. For question 1, I prefer to make blankets in one piece because you don’t have to put anything together at the end. When it’s done, it’s done, and you don’t have to worry about swatches or having pieces come out different sizes. (I often skip making a swatch, even though I’ve learned over and over again that this is a terrible idea. I just get excited and want to jump in!) The full size blanket is only unwieldy when you’re turning it. A bonus is that you can cover up in it while working on it, which is very cozy on cold days!

    9. another Hero*

      knitter, so maybe a little less unwieldy bc I don’t have to keep track of the edge, but I always make blankets as one big piece. mostly because I really really hate stitching bits together and I’m not usually making projects with a bunch of different colors in different places. (I do tend to think blankets look better without stitching, too, but that’s an extremely subjective position to take.) but once it gets big, it’s really just like having any other blanket in your lap. perfectly nice at times of year when you were going to have a blanket in your lap anyway!

    10. Crafty Crafter*

      Oh, goodness, don’t rip out! That pattern is so forgiving that there are several things you can try first.

      * How wide is the one strip? If you did four strips instead of five, would you get the width you’re going for? Since you’re using ombre yarn, the color interest will still be there no matter how many strips you have.
      * You can do a variable width sequence. 8-10-12-10-12″ if you want to be symmetrical or even random strips. For this blanket, anything will look just fine. I actually think a random-width sequence would look very cool.
      * Just keep on keeping on with four more strips the same width as the current one. It’s a blanket, so if it comes out to be 41″ or 42″ or 50″ wide, who cares? The more, the cozier!

      For your questions:
      1) Each to her own, but I find sewing pieces together to be a pain in the tuchus. When your blanket gets large enough, it’s not exactly a portable project, but who’s going anywhere anyway nowadays? The other con is that you don’t really want a blanket draped across your legs in the middle of summer. On balance, though, the sewing-tuchus-pain outweighs the rest for me. If I do a project in pieces, I prefer larger pieces–the General mentioned 12″ squares–to tiny 8″ squares. I don’t care for seams, so I crochet them together so it creates a border, rather than a seam, as part of the design–like a braided join or another technique that doesn’t result in a seam bump. Plenty of options there.

      2)Yes, but…. Since the patter is an hdc repeat, you could do all dc instead. You simply adjust the number of stitches per row as necessary to get the right width, then stop when it gets to the right length. However, I think you’re going to find that the ombre yarn color changes are less attractive in a dc than a hdc or sc. Before going all in, I’d start a small sample near a color change and work through the change to see if you like the result. The looser weave of a dc will also impact the melding of the colors when you join the strips, so take that into consideration, too.

      It’s also trickier to sew together dc because of that darned chain 3, which is much skinnier than a normal dc. Sewing along a dc can result in a gappier gap at the ends. If you go this route, there are techniques to use instead of the chain 3 to create a bulk similar to a standard dc. Check back in with us for more info if you go that route!

      So glad you’re enjoying crocheting!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Hmmm, I didn’t realize the ombre would look different in dc vs. hdc, or that dc is harder to sew together.

        Do you think it would look odd if the center strip is dc but the rest is all hdc? (The one that’s already done is dc because I’ve been trying different stitches for everything I do and, apparently, throwing pattern reading to the wind.) Right now my ideal plan for this blanket would be: Keep the too-wide strip I’ve already done in dc, use it for the center, and do the other four strips in hdc and the correct width. Bad idea?

        1. Not So NewReader*

          For me it would be a pain, I would rip it out and start over. And that is because of matching the other strips to the first one AND because of just starting out to learn crochet. This might be more challenge than I would enjoy.

          HOWEVER. It occurred to me that you could “sneak up” on the whole question by doing the other four strips and how they match up. IF necessary you could rip out the first strip later.

        2. Crafty Crafter*

          Pattern schmattern!

          Generally speaking, there’s no reason not to to have the center panel in dc and the others in hdc. I would give it a shot, but would lay the new strip next to the finished strip several times as I’m working it up just to make sure I like how the colors and stitches are meshing. The center strip is going to look different from the rest of the strips, but that doesn’t mean it will look weird. Many panel projects have different patterns in the panels.

          Your row count for the hdc strips will be different than for the dc strip, and your lengths are more likely to be slightly off, so you may need to block the strips or (and this is what I would do, because I’m too lazy/impatient to block) put a thin border around the whole thing to even out the edges.

          If you decide you don’t like the mixed stitches, add a few inches to the dc strip and voila, it’s a scarf.

    11. Suffering spouse*

      Often pieces made exactly the same do not come out exactly the same size- but that can be adjusted by blocking. Even additional stitches in error can be hidden when joining sections.

      Advantage to big pieces- no joining and matching problems- fewer ends to weave in- no blocking often needed. Disadvantage is the eventual size of the piece on your lap- but that is easily dealt with by having the excess either folded on off to the side if you are sitting on a couch. Only really a problem in the high heat of summer if your room is not airy.
      I have adapted the size of many patterns- there will not be lightening bolts if you change the pattern!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yeah, I’d been wondering about how likely I really am to get all five of these strips the correct size! I figured this may end up being a lumpy blanket.

        1. Crafty Crafter*

          If your panels are all the same stitch and row count, if you are very consistent when you sew them together, you should reach the end of the two strips together. Then you can block the whole thing afterwards to smooth everything out, and it should be lump-free.

          If your panels have different stitches, one solution is to NOT cut your yarn when you finish the second panel. Sew the two together and if the second panel is too short or too long when you get to the end of the seam, add or subtract rows on the fly.

          Or, radical thought, just offset the panels to start with. Second panel starts 2” above the first panel, third panel is down 2”, etc. There’s no rule that blankets have to have even ends!

    12. CopperPenny*

      I make blankets in one piece because I don’t like joining projects. I have a baby lovey I need to sew together and my baby is almost 8 weeks old.
      I like to take patterns and tweak them. While switching to double crochet will make something longer you can just stop at the right length. In fact that pattern gives you the inches instead of the number of rows.
      I also almost never do a swatch and instead measure my first row to make sure it is the right width with the right number of stitches for the pattern stitch which isn’t a concern for this pattern. The pattern I’m using now needs to be a multiple of 3 plus 2. And says that which most blanket patterns will.

      This is my current project. https://daisycottagedesigns.net/easy-blanket-crochet-pattern/
      Only I’m using yarn I already had and didn’t have two skeins of any colour so I added an extra colour instead. I hope that makes sense

      1. Crafty Crafter*

        This is a lovely pattern, CopperPenny. I’ve always preferred granny rows to the more traditional granny squares, and mixing with regular dcs looks quite nice. I’m really bad with color coordination. What colors did you use?

      2. Pomona Sprout*

        That is gorgeous, and omg, I love that site! I have a feeling I’m going to be spending lots of time there. <3<3<3

    13. AGD*

      Watching this has been inspiring the heck out of me, for the record. I’m into a lot of other crafts – I got the hang of knitting easily, and am gradually getting better at sewing – but have spent years finding crochet elusive!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I am surprised I stuck with it, after how frustrating I found it at first. I wanted to throw it across the room many times in the beginning, and it was making me so grumpy! I am terrible about sticking with things that are hard if I don’t have to (truly, the only two optional things that were hard that I’ve persisted on have been this and Guitar Hero) so I don’t know what made me stick with this, but I was strangely drawn to it and I’m so glad I did, because now it’s so rewarding!

        1. Keener*

          I am a knitter not a crocheter to no useful advice but just wanted to say it makes my heart happy to see another person joining the fibre tribe of the world and the community around supporting your journey.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I agree, I think crocheting is really hard compared to other things. I learned to crochet when I was roughly ten years old but I did not finally “get it” until I was in my twenties. I think I needed a very long incubation period on that one.

        I think that crocheting builds up faster than knitting. Seeing results can be encouraging.

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      I have done two blankets, both in “pieces.” One in strips, one in squares. The benefit is portability and a sense of accomplishment- I could see the progress each time. Car, listening to music, even watching – it got to where I could literally crochet without watching each stitch.

      You are inspiring me to return to the hobby, by the way. After years of no time for crafting, I’ve been thinking about life balance, and remembering how much I enjoyed this years ago. (Let’s just say – pre-dates disco when I stopped!)

    15. Esmeralda*

      Cat toy: dunk it in catnip. Even better, leave it in the catnip container overnight.
      Works for my furry little addicts…

    16. Germank106*

      You can always make your way over to Ravelry and ask questions in the Pattern forum. There’s a hive mind at work there that is pretty amazing.

  4. Jackalope*

    Does anyone have any plans for Labor Day weekend? I know it’s hard to do fun stuff this year because COVID, but anyone doing anything you’re excited about? I’m mostly using it as a staycation, hoping to get some good reading in this weekend. (I’m trying to read a bunch of books for a reading challenge with my local library but only have a few categories left that are less interesting to me, so I’m trying to power through a few books that aren’t my normal type….)

    1. someone or other*

      A local farm is doing a drive through where you can look at their animals. Social distancing + animals sounds good to me.

    2. LadyRegister*

      I’ve had some real success with audiobooks when it’s something outside my usual genre. For “my” books I love to curl up and turn the pages myself. For anything outside my favorite genres, I pop on the audiobook during walks/drives/chores. I want to read them, I just can’t bear to give up precious reading nook time for anything I don’t LOVE.

      For Labor Day weekend, we rented a cabin in the mountains and we can’t wait to fall off the grid for a few days! I got a stack of books and some new wines to try. When I stay home I end up cleaning and organizing. So we are getting out of the house for the first time since a work trip in January.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        A cabin in the mountains with a stack of books and no electronics sounds delightful! That’s a great tip about listening to audiobooks for books outside of your ordinary genre. I want to start reading more widely, but it’s hard to give up my early morning or just before bed reading time!

      2. Jackalope*

        That’s an interesting idea. I’ve had people try to convince me to take up audio books, but I’ve generally not been willing to try since I can read so fast that I don’t want to take hours and hours on a book that I could finish up much more quickly by myself. (I’ve been told that it’s a whole different genre of story experience and not the same kind of thing as reading a book with my eyes; has that been your experience?) I’m not sure when I’d be able to do that since most of my busy time is already taken up (for example, I often listen to specific online radio when I’m doing dishes that I can’t at any other time), but maybe I’ll pick something and give it a try? I have a book I’ve been considering doing this with for awhile; a few years ago a book club I’m in read the book “Bossypants” by Tina Fey. Everyone who listened to the audio book (read by Tina Fey herself) thought it was hilarious, everyone (including myself) who read the paper version thought it was so-so. It’s been long enough that I’ve probably forgotten a lot of it and could do an audio reread without feeling too impatient because I’ve already read it.

        The book I’m reading right now is likely not in audio book. I’m reading “Cogewea: The Half Blood” by Mourning Dove. Mourning Dove was (depending on your source) either the first, or one of the first, Native American female novelists, and was born at an interesting time – she was born right at the cusp of when whites were taking over her region, so she was raised with both the old traditions and the new. My copy of it is one of those old library books with the old library book smell, and it has an errata page carefully taped to the inside that has the pages of the corrections, what the wrong word is, and what the readers should replace it with in their minds. (I also checked and there have been some newer editions, but nothing in audio book.) But some of the others might be.

        1. Jackalope*

          (For those interested in a book rec, I will also say that the reason I found out about this book is that I read the author’s wonderful book “Mourning Dove: A Salishan Autobiography”, which I really enjoyed. This one is not as easy to get into, but I’m hopeful that it will also be good once I do.)

        2. elizabeth*

          I read far faster than I can ever listen, so I listen to books on higher speed. I started at 1.2 and now I mostly listen to things at double speed. I definitely agree that’s starting with humor audiobooks is the best. They just offer you so much more than their written book does! I definitely think that wow, no thank you by Samantha irby is a great audiobook to start with, or to listen to second after bossy pants! Trevor Noah’s autobiography is also amazing because he does so many voices in it so well.

        3. Wehaf*

          Levar Burton has a great podcast called “Levar Burton Reads” – he picks short stories he likes (mostly science fiction or speculative fiction) and reads them aloud. Something like that might be a good way to try out audiobooks because you’re only committing to an hour or so.

        4. GoryDetails*

          From Jackelope: “I’ve had people try to convince me to take up audio books, but I’ve generally not been willing to try since I can read so fast that I don’t want to take hours and hours on a book that I could finish up much more quickly by myself. (I’ve been told that it’s a whole different genre of story experience and not the same kind of thing as reading a book with my eyes; has that been your experience?) ”

          I’d say it is definitely a different story experience, though not always a better one – some books seem to be more enjoyable when absorbed slowly, while others are better when skimmed. (My personal taste there, of course.) I read very fast myself, always have multiple books in progress, and can be impatient to See How It Ends at times – but I love listening to audiobooks as well. Usually while driving, though I can listen during rote chores like washing dishes. I’m very picky about narrators – a good one can make a so-so story enjoyable, and a bad one can ruin the most awesome story. I often choose audiobooks of books I’ve already read, so that I can listen while driving without getting panicked if a tense traffic situation makes me lose track of the plot – but I’ve enjoyed new-to-me audiobooks as well. (The re-listens of favorite books often delight me with little tidbit that I’d skimmed past while reading the text, a nice bonus.)

          I have friends who’ve said they simply can’t enjoy audiobooks – being “read to” puts them to sleep. And some can’t listen while driving, as they get too distracted. So audio’s definitely not for everyone, but for me it’s amazing – I’m much more relaxed during heavy traffic when I have a good tale to listen to!

        5. kat*

          In regards to your comment – I read so fast- it’s possible that you’d also like to listen to thinks a bit faster. Depending on the complexity of what is being read and the speaking style of the writer- 1.25 – 1.5 times makes some things much easier to listen to.

      3. charo*

        I can PROMISE you, you won’t be missing anything!

        As a news junkie, I guarantee that there will be nothing new that can’t wait.

    3. Jaid*

      Hoping to go for a long drive along the Jersey shore with my BFF. But if she’s not up to it, then I’ll go to the Columbus Flea Market and drive home via a non-toll option using the bridge at New Hope.

      Either way, I’m stocked up with snacks.

    4. HannahS*

      I’m on call Friday-Sat a.m. and then Sunday-Monday a.m. so that kind of stinks, but I’m going to try to get some work done in the Rosh Hashanah outfit I’m sewing! And go for some nice walks.

    5. WellRed*

      First weekend I’ve been home in a month and the humidity has broken! Clean, grocery shop and make a pot of soup to freeze (chicken tortilla) also reading and Netflix and Acorn.

    6. Leap Day Highway*

      It’s my five-year wedding anniversary tomorrow! My wife and I picked Labor Day weekend to get married because that’s when my grandparents got married, and they were awesome, and we always loved the big family barbecues we had to celebrate them.

      But now there is no seeing family or going anywhere (said wife randomly had a fever yesterday so REALLY no going anywhere!) and I have to write a long-overdue article for work that I’ve been putting off. I guess we will… get slightly more fancy takeout than usual?

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It’s DERBY DAY!
      I will be raiding my garden to see if any of the mint survived the summer weather and if yes, making juleps. Since the event itself is so short, and my family has little patience for the before&after hype, I’ve pulled out Francis Ford Copolla’s “The Black Stallion” to give me a double dose of horsie nostalgia. (I grew near Belmont & have Walter Farley’s autograph.)
      Musings of a long-ago horse-crazy kid who no longer follows sports: This is a wild year for the Triple Crown races. Contenders usually plan for races of increasing length, in the spring. This year the first/shortest race is going to be held in September (Derby). The second/middle-length race is going to be in October (Preakness). And the third/longest was already held in June (Belmont). In a sweet twist, it turns out the trainer was delighted to have a quiet track and no commotion from the stands.

    8. island ecologist*

      There are so many amazing ideas on this thread! I am WISHing that I lived by a local farm that was doing a drive-thru tour of its animals.

      Last weekend my husband and I did an intense, long-mileage days backpacking trip a couple hours from our house to celebrate our anniversary! This weekend we’re sticking at home and getting things done – bike repair, cooking, etc. But also reading and board games and meeting a few friends on the nearby river beach for an evening.

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m planning on sleeping as much as I can, and making myself a nice ribeye steak. I was contemplating asking a few cousins to stop by for a drive by but don’t think i can :(

    10. Might be Spam*

      My daughter and I are ordering Thai food and really good cheesecake for a backyard picnic. I have a mini grill, so we might roast marshmallows.

    11. Esmeralda*

      Catch up with work I’m behind on because first classes all went online and then students were all sent home and classes were cancelled for two days while students moved out and responding to students because classes online/they were sent home/they have covid/they have crappy home situations….

      Gotta get ahead because who knows what will happen next.

    12. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

      We took a ride to a little harbor town, got takeout and ate on the commons while watching the boats. We usually do a lot of shopping there but today just enjoyed people-watching. Then we had ice cream for dinner! Pretty much our perfect end-of-summer day trip, even pre-covid. The rest of the weekend is for housework and reading and puttering. I

    13. ThePear8*

      No real big plans, but my dad and dog are coming to visit and I’m gonna make a spanakopita (spinach pie)

  5. Aurion*

    I’m writing a story that will involve a trial, so I’d like the commentariat to fact-check me on a couple of details that my Googling failed me on. You are not my lawyer, and this is not legal advice. Thank you in advance, all!

    Persons A-E are all (potential) witnesses. A, B, and C are friends; C, D, E are family members and live under the same roof.

    1) as I understand it, witnesses need to avoid each other prior to trial to minimize the chances of influencing each other’s testimonies, corroborate, etc. In that case, are they outright forbidden to have any form of contact prior to the trial, or are they allowed some (how much?) contact so long as they do not talk about their testimony?

    2) since C, D, and E are family and living under the same roof, there is very little chance that they can avoid each other. Assuming they are all sound of mind and are otherwise capable of testifying, would they all still be considered witnesses? Or would the attorney select the “best” witness of the three to call to trial and leave the other two since it’s probably too optimistic to assume they could firewall their testimony from collusion? Assume the three of them saw basically the same thing.

    3) are witnesses allowed to observe the trial after their testimony? I think the pages I read were mixed on this, but now I can’t find any of my tabs again…

    2. legalchef*

      I don’t think they need to avoid each other; they’d just need to avoid discussing their testimony.

      As for if they can stay to watch, I suppose if their testimony is definitely completed (ie no chance of recall for direct or rebuttal) it would be fine, though this might depend on local rules.

    3. WellRed*

      I agree they probably don’t need to avoid each other. I do believe once they testify they can watch the trial, at least in the US.

    4. 100% not a lawyer*

      IANAL but.. basically anything in the US is jurisdiction dependent and if criminal or civil. You can create an imaginary jurisdiction, or research your specific one. I would look at the whole process from the witness perspective, which includes deposition, initial interviews etc. and which are a matter of record. I wonder if there are some guides for witnesses that might help give you a non technical perspective as a start.

      Also, look at rules of sequestration and exclusion as they apply to the questions related to all these issues.

      All else fails, depending again on jurisdiction and how reality based this story is, just write the rule yourself, or just make the judge rule on some motion to get the result you want.

    5. Clisby*

      If you know what jurisdiction your story will be set in, you might find good information at the website of your state’s top court (in SC, it’s the SC Supreme Court, but might be different in other places.) For example, if you were setting it in SC, you’d learn that the prosecuting attorney is a solicitor; in other states she might be a district attorney. It also might describe the different courts (criminal court is called General Sessions Court in SC, but Superior Court in Georgia); methods of jury selection; etc.

    6. pancakes*

      Civil or criminal trial? The Model Penal Code is adopted in many jurisdictions in the US and the rules for witness impeachment are probably worth a look.

    7. Aurion*

      Ah, I should’ve specified (apologies, it was late when I wrote this): criminal, this is fanfiction set in a fictional fantasy world, and the canon is a mess.

      I could get away with making anything up, but I’d like to know the general best practices (if such exist) before I break said practices, and I’d probably lampshade any ridiculousness I write. Things like avoiding witness tampering would be applicable anywhere, right?

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        Witness tampering in general is about what the parties to the case, or their attorneys, do: if my brother and I were both witnesses because we saw the same car crash, us talking about it might make our testimony less valuable, but it wouldn’t be tampering. The driver of one of the cars talking to us might be tampering, even if she was our cousin or my college roommate.

        Maybe pick a real-world jurisdiction that is somewhat similar to the fantasy setting, and look up their rules? For example, if it’s Metropolis or Gotham City, you could use New York State law and procedures.

    8. charo*

      Did the witnesses not give a statement? When I was in a car accident I was questioned by their attorney and it was recorded, so I was aware I was under oath before it could possibly go to trial. A “deposition.”

      And a witness or a victim often gives an oral statement to the police.
      So the police statement may not be so accurate, but the recorded one is.
      Judge Judy nails people all the time for saying one thing in their written, signed statement and then another thing to her.

      And even if witnesses don’t speak to police or get deposed, “witnesses” would make a statement to “their side’s attorney” wouldn’t they? They could still change their story, and then their side’s atty. has to “treat them as a hostile witness.”

      All this is from TV! Except being deposed after an accident.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I’ve been following the Vallow-Daybell case on and off. I see the grandparents are sitting in the “audience” during the prelims. Now you would think that they would be witnesses at some point, but they are sitting there watching what other witnesses are saying.

      I do think that even a less-than-sharp defense attorney would try to discredit the three witnesses that lived together. That is just a sitting duck for scrutiny. One thing I’d might consider above all is the reader’s willingness to believe the story line and keep reading. So even a casual reader is going to think, “Oh these three people who live together will synchronize what they will say.” What would you like to do there that you think would keep your reader engaged?

      1. Aurion*

        Honestly, my first instinct was that the attorney would call one of the three and leave the rest due to possibility of collusion. Then I tried researching online and was thoroughly reminded that I am not a llama, hahaha. :) It’s why I was more aiming for “rule of thumb/guidelines” rather than rules of a specific locale when I asked the question, though I realize now that that seems to be folly. I may just have to pick a jurisdiction, map it as closely as I can with respect to canon’s nonsense, and disclaim profusely in the author’s notes. :D

    10. Data Entry Shell*

      Work for a District Attorney’s/State Attorney’s office in Florida so–

      1) They’re not allowed to discusssed the case but I’ve never (in almost 10 years) seen any witnesses banned from contact. Unless the witnesses are for opposing sides and there is a chance one could purposely intimidate the other into not testifying, then there are clear ‘no contact orders’ put into place.
      2) Yes, they are all witness however attorney’s can ‘pick and choose’ who is called.
      3) Yes, once you have been released by both sides you can observe.

      4) Federal prosecutors are usually way more strict on the no contact between witnesses/victims. In my circuit, at the state level, witnesses and victims usually provide a sworn written or recorded statement asap to officers. This ‘locks’ them in to their statement and what occurred, they also are allowed to have a copy of their own statement at any time. Felony cases take about a year to get to trial and our office typically provides copies of statements to our victims/witnesses.

      As someone else mentioned there a lot of variables. What state, is this a civil or a criminal trial, any juveniles involved, state or federal level?

      1. Aurion*

        Ooh, thank you so much! To answer: criminal, this is fanfiction of a fictional fantasy world (whose laws as written in the canon is so nonsensical it hurts, so this is me attempting to paper some semblance of sense onto its gaping judicial system), technically yes two are juveniles but said fantasy world doesn’t have any problems with 13 year olds running around the world and being the accepted leader of a mercenary guild, so I doubt they would treat adults or children much differently anyway.

        I really should’ve put more specifics into the question but since the canon was nonsense anyway I was hoping for guidelines such as “yes, witness tampering is bad, these circumstances would probably be all considered obvious breaches of protocol no matter where you are/which reality you’re in” but I now realize that was kind of dumb of me. But thank you for your help, and I think that’s enough for me to go on!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          In my state, testimony of under-age is sealed and not available to the public. I think they clear the court room when an under-age testifies also.

        2. Data Entry Shell*

          Fantasy world, go crazy. My mind immediately went to a John Grisham style legal thriller. Lol. If this was pre-Covid (and you were really interested/curious), I’d suggest you look into your areas rules regarding observing trials. Where I am, courts are open to the public so anyone can go watch a trial as long as there are no juvenile victims. There is a local pre-law professor who offers extra credit for every trial a student observes and rights a summary of.

    1. fposte*

      Be careful—some of those are turning out to be just stuffed fish, no movement. I haven’t heard that happening to anybody who buys through Amazon, fortunately, but don’t get tempted into buying it from a random website that’s sponsored an ad.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I bought one! The cats were totally uninterested. They are, however, currently obsessed with one of those sticky “wall walkers” from the 80s. We threw it at the wall for them a couple of times around 11 pm, and now every night around 11 they line up at the wall and look for it (so we have to throw it, which is reinforcing their belief that it comes out at 11).

          1. charo*

            The best FREE “cat toy” I’ve found is an old cord from a computer that I tied to the handle of the armoire next to my computer desk, w/the “plug” at the bottom to provide weight.

            Mimi hangs out near me and bats the cord, or I reach over and swing it for her. Doesn’t take long for her to be done. For extra thrills you can re-tie it to vary the height. Or lift it up and say “Look at the birdie!”

            1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

              I’ve bought my cat lots of cat toys, which she has mostly pointedly ignored to run off and play with bits of garbage, like vinyl twist ties from packaging, zip ties, and pretty much anything that’s a smallish bit of flexible plastic that’s headed to the garbage.

              1. cleo*

                I once bought a stuffed toy with catnip for our cats. The stuffed squirrel had a velcro opening for a little sachet of catnip, like a teabag but with catnip. One cat went crazy for the squirrel with catnip. The other cat ignored the toy and went crazy for the piece of cardboard that had been packed next to the catnip bag. He knocked over the recycling bin to get the cardboard and then rolled in pleasure on it.

      2. Girasol*

        Stepmom bought our cat a moving toy, a ball that rolled in random directions. Put it in a paper bag and it looks like there’s an animal in there trying to get out. I thought he’d love it. He flattened himself against the far wall and would have nothing to do with it. But the box it came in, well, that’s a different story.

  7. MBTI question*

    There have been a lot of opinions on Myers-Briggs here. I wonder if introverts and iNtuitive types tend to find the results more useful since (at least in the US), these types are rarer (each about 30% of the population). I’m an INTJ myself (estimated to be 1 to 2% of the population), and I found it really helpful.

    1. Jules the First*

      Hi! (INTJ waves at another INTJ on the internet). INTJs tend to find Myers Briggs useful because we like to categorise, systematise, and explain things. From what I’ve seen, it’s an NT thing (heavy on the T) rather than an IN thing.

      1. BonzaSonza*

        I’m also INTJ, and I also enjoyed the Myers-Briggs test. Hello!

        It’s funny that I’ve made my way into a very niche, very technical position where I’m the Principal Llama Wool Classifier – I joke that I’m paid to give my opinion on varying shades of grey, and it makes my heart happy.

    2. Pomona Sprout*

      I’m an ISTJ, and I found Myers-Briggs to be incredibly useful, especially in understanding why I gravitate to and enjoy certain kinds of activities and hate certain other kinds.

      I’ve read negative comments about Myers-Briggs, about how it’s not really scientific and stuff, but I gad a great experience with it. The descriptions of the various components of my type explained SO much about myself to me. When I got the redults, I found that my type (ISTJ, as mentioned above) described me so perfectly that I felt like somebody had been inside my head!

      Probably the most positive thing about it was that I felt like it gave me permission to be the way I am, for the first time in my life. Especially the “I” part. I had an extreme extrovert for a mother, and she did NOT accept my introversion as an okay thing. I was always made to feel that it was a defect, something that was wrong with me that I needed to change about myself. Since I was never able to do that, I was left with feelings of failure. Myers-Briggs was the first time anyone ever said to me, “Hey, you’re an introvert, and that’s perfectly all right!” It was amazing.

      1. MBTI question*

        “The descriptions of the various components of my type explained SO much about myself to me. ” “Probably the most positive thing about it was that I felt like it gave me permission to be the way I am, for the first time in my life”

        Yeah, I felt this way too.

      2. CJM*

        I’m an ISTJ too! Just as you said, the Myers-Briggs results and descriptions resonated with me and helped me to relax about myself and how I tick. And I too had an extroverted mother who treated my introversion as a problem. I was fortunate to connect in my 20s with an aunt on my dad’s side who was also introverted and loved that about us both. Her understanding was a great gift.

    3. Square Root of Minus One*

      According to Myers-Briggs I’m an IN but it doesn’t make me find the results useful, mostly because they’re not consistent. I’ve taken this test a few times over the years and I’ve landed in a different IN subdivision every time. And I don’t necessarily recognize myself more in one profile than the others.
      I don’t put much weight on non-reproducible results, so I’m not convinced by MBTI.

      1. Kate (INTJ)*

        Funny, I first took a Meyers-Briggs test when I was 12 or 13 (I was bored and going through my mum’s bookshelf), and I have tested the exact same way for 25 years. It’s weird.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          I’m pretty variable as well, so although I found it useful the first time I took it, I’ve become less of a believer over time. It reminds me of The Amazing Randi going to school classes and passing out everyone’s horoscope and everyone reads it and seems to feel how keenly it describes them. Then he has them exchange horoscopes and the learn he gave them all the same one.

          1. Mystery Bookworm*

            I could see that. I’ve never taken a personality test that I didn’t find overly vague (with the exception of the Big 5, but that doesn’t offer up paragraphs summerizing you the same way others do).

            One of the things I learned in grad school was that one of the reasons personality is incredibly hard to measure because people compare themselves not to the general population (which we don’t usually have a great read on) but to the people they spend the most time with.

            So if you’re the most introverted person in a very outgoing family, you will likely identify yourself as more introverted than average, even if you’re not.

          2. charo*

            BUT an Introvert is not at all like an Extrovert. You know that, right?
            You could be in between, maybe.

            But a true Introvert feels other people wear her out,
            while a true Extrovert derives energy from others.
            Look at your life pattern, not the mood you’re in when you take a test. Do you HAVE to be social all the time? Or do you need alone time to re-charge your batteries?

            If you can’t decide on even this, then ask those close to you which you are. They probably know even if you don’t.

        2. Filosofickle*

          I test all over the place. 3 main ones (INTP, INTJ, INFP) plus others pop up too. Nearly always IN.

          Two tests helped me see why this happens. One broke down each letter by how strong you were on it (ex. 55% I vs 45% E). I was close to 50/50 for each one, so it makes sense that my results vary. A question or two in either direction could give flip me over the line to a very different combo. The second gave a percentage for every 4-letter type (ex 78% INTP vs 20% ESFP). On that, I had 3-4 in the 70s and nothing above that. I’m not solidly in any corner.

          It also depends on how the test is written and how the questions are framed. In particular, if it asks what my first reaction or mindset is, that leads me to INTP. If it asks what I actually do or value, that nets INFP. (I’ve spent decades learning how to set aside my immediate Spock tendencies and take an extra minute to access my empathic and emotional sides.)

          I don’t put any credence in the “science”. But I enjoy personality typing as a self-investigation tool. I like analyzing and breaking things down. It’s fun for me :)

      3. Overeducated*

        I have always tested as an introvert but can’t remember the rest of my results because they vary and I didn’t find it helpful. I think there are two reasons for this. First, a lot of the questions are hard for me to answer because I can’t just answer based on who I am, the context of where I am and the situation could change my answer. Second, I think the categories are just too broad and oppositional – e.g. thinking vs feeling? In some areas of life I am all about risk assessment, cost benefit analysis, etc, and I like to think I am pretty scientifically literate, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to appreciate how important emotions are as a source of data for personal decisions and expressing values. I object to being boxed in, i guess – life is about growth and change!

    4. Helvetica*

      I’ve taken the test a couple of times and I vaccilate between INFJ and INTJ, mostly because I’d like to be more of a T but really I am F. Their helpfulness is just as good as other similar tests as there are many and as long as you don’t think yourself into a box with the result, they can add some nuance to your understanding of self, which should be a process anwyays.
      I also think introverts are the ones who are more likely to be introspective and search out such tools as the Myers-Briggs and they tend to take such results more to heart. This is not a bad thing, I just feel we’re overrepresented since we are already interested in finding out more things about ourselves.

      1. JustEm*

        I also vacillate between INTJ and INFJ. I did my first test as a teenager because I thought it was fun.

    5. MistOrMister*

      I forget what I tested as (I something), but personally I don’t put much stock in the labels. I have a friend who will throw out “well as a xxxx, it just makes sense that…”and honestly, I don’t get it. To me it’s kind of along the lines of astrology. Sure, some of it fits me but not all. I don’t see what it is I’m supposed to get out of it. Not knocking it though, I know a lot of people find it helpful. It just isn’t for me.

      1. MBTI question*

        Astrology gets compared to MBTI a lot, but astrology is based on when you were born, and MBTI is based on the answers to questions. There are a lot of different MBTI tests, and some are better than others though.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve never tested as anything but INTJ, but I’m not sure what you mean by “helpful”?

      1. MBTI question*

        I guess it made me feel more comfortable being me. Stuff that made me feel different was suddenly normal for my MBTI type.

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      I dont know what helpful means but I don’t find it helpful or scientific.

      i forget how I test, usually the same, and sure it describes me. But in college a psych prof did a thing, he gave 4 of us tests like m-b. For homework, we were to evaluate the validity and reliability of the way we were described. Everyone except me ranked him very highly as describing them well. He had given us all the same descriptions.

      To me, it is not that helpful. I think it would be more helpful to have general descriptions of things that you might see in yourself or others but with a big emphasis on what to do with that info. So you are an intj, how does that help me interact with you to be collegial and productive at work. There are 2 problem coworkers at work right now – one is angry all the time, for years, and is hard to be around, the other is, in the way Alison describes it, a tattletale but she asks you for info then tattles that your suggestion did not match hers. Neither of those problems has to do with M-B stuff nor does the failure of management to manage them have anything to do with M-B.

      1. MBTI question*

        MBTI can’t fix everything. Some people are just jerks, regardless of type.

        It can be helpful when dealing with people of different types – an extrovert may find an introvert to be annoyingly quiet (and vice versa).

        1. RebelwithMouseyHair*

          “Some people are just jerks, regardless of type.”
          In “Quiet”, Susan Cain says that extroverts are more likely to be unfaithful than introverts. I would say that’s logical in that they tend to be more outgoing, sending out friendly signals and meeting lots of people.
          So the type might just influence the type of jerky behaviour, and it can be good to understand the mechanics of it?
          And I agree entirely about results depending a lot on context. I’m an introvert, born into a family of extreme introverts. I was labelled the extrovert because I (thought I) wanted to get out and meet other people because home was stifling. In fact I just needed to find my own shell rather than share my parents’.
          Years later, I discovered that I am in fact an introvert that has been trying to fit the extrovert label. I now feel much more comfortable. We were invited to a small party on Saturday and I warned my extrovert partner that I wasn’t going to mingle or anything – Covid is a great cover for introverts!. In the end, I knew practically everyone and had a lovely chat with most friends. Covid turns out to be a great limiter, so parties stay small and manageable for me!

    8. Elf*

      I have a theory that Meyers-Briggs N people are the people who are actually in Piaget’s Formal Operations stage. My (admittedly weak, but I’d love to attempt a study) evidence is that they are near-identical shares of the population and that the actual N/S differences align really well. It would be really cool if so, because even though I’m sure Meyers-Briggs is not THAT reliable in its results, it would be incredibly useful from an educational standpoint to have an easy first-level screener for Formal Operations.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        It’s been awhile since my child development classes, but I’m fairly certain all normally developing adults reach Piaget’s Formal Operations stage!

        1. Elf*

          No, that’s one of the things that are taught horribly wrong in psychology/education classes! Piaget was working with a really biased sample (Upper middle class white boys in a private school run by an IQ test developer) and so he said formal operations develop between 12 and 15, but more recent research (and by more recent I mean approximately 1980 so there is absolutely no excuse that it is not in the curriculum) found that approximately 2/3 of adults never progress from concrete to formal operations (the research was spearheaded by a college professor who was trying to figure out why so many of his science students had particular misunderstandings, and eventually figured out that it was because many of his students lacked formal operations). It’s a real problem on the ground in education because the high school math curriculum I have to deal with is predicated on the notion that all the students have formal operations, and they absolutely do not.

          1. Mystery Bookworm*

            Reputable sources? Formal operations has to do with abstract thought and problem solving – most adults I meet are able to do that!

            1. Elf*

              I can’t recall exactly where I learned it (it was years ago) and I don’t have time to hunt through the bibliographies of the papers I can find to track down the original sourcing, but a quick Google search finds many sources (including those linked below) in addition to many dissertations, etc in which this is a background fact. Sources are not completely aligned on the exact percentage of adults that acquire formal operations (which is reasonable, since unbiased sampling would be extremely difficult) but they are aligned that a significant proportion of the adult population never acquires formal operations.

              https://www.jstor.org/stable/42773106
              https://pages.uoregon.edu/moursund/Math/developmental_theory.htm

            2. Elf*

              My comment with links is in moderation, but you should be able to find significant evidence by googling “Piaget formal operations percent of population.” The rest of the comment is copied below.

              I can’t recall exactly where I learned it (it was years ago) and I don’t have time to hunt through the bibliographies of the papers I can find to track down the original sourcing, but a quick Google search finds many sources (including those linked below(in the comment under moderation)) in addition to many dissertations, etc in which this is a background fact. Sources are not completely aligned on the exact percentage of adults that acquire formal operations (which is reasonable, since unbiased sampling would be extremely difficult) but they are aligned that a significant proportion of the adult population never acquires formal operations.

              1. Mystery Bookworm*

                I followed your suggestion, but I don’t think I’m as convinced as you are! At least for me, the results are VERY dated. I’ll take a look at the links though if they come through. That said, I think Piaget is broadly taught today in much the same way Freud is — he’s considered a significant father figure in the field, but contemporary theories tend to trend away from stage-based theories of development, which certainly makes much more sense than me.

                I am a bit dismayed to hear that you essentially align your result on a personality test with a “higher” form of cognitive development and that it sounds like you may be bringing this attitude with you towards teaching? The tendency to value some personality types more than others is part of why I feel skeptical about widespread use of tools like Myers-Briggs.

                On a personal level, I had a rocky relationship with mathematics growing up (although I use it fairly regularly now) and I always did much better with teachers who conveyed belief in my abilities!

                1. Elf*

                  I do not think some personality types are better than others, I think that the particular test accidentally maps to whether people have formal operations. I do not think that people with formal operations are better OR smarter than people without. I know several extremely smart people who I am pretty sure do not have formal operations (including best friend, surrogate aunt, and father-in-law). They are often as good or better at learning and retaining information, and each has skills in some (different for each) areas that far outstrip mine, but they have very similar difficulties with certain specific types of reasoning. It almost never comes up, and doesn’t generally cause them difficulty in their lives. It is something I find particularly useful to keep in mind if I want to explain particular things to them, because I can take a different approach and avoid frustration on both ends.

                  I absolutely believe that all of my students can learn, but NO ONE can learn if the information they are being given and the manner in which they are receiving it is not appropriate to their development or to their prior knowledge, and this causes many problems across the curriculum. Curricula need to be designed with the idea that not every student will learn at the same pace or in the same manner, and the current version of Common Core math in NY is a disaster in that regard. For example, the curriculum does not introduce operations (+-x/) with negative numbers until 7th grade, and then expects students to go from that point to being fluent in all operations not just with negative integers but with negative fractions and decimals too in a three-week period. There is not another time in a later grade for students to try again if they didn’t get it the first time; all of the curriculum after 7th grade assumes fluent knowledge of integer operations. Earlier in my career, I had a job teaching 8th grade math at a 6-12 combined middle/high school, and when we had department meetings with all the middle and high school math teachers, a major problem for my students in 8th grade and my colleagues’ students in 9-12 was that they did not know those integer operations and we were not allowed to put down our required “grade level curriculum” long enough to actually try to teach them a skill they needed.

                  In the high school algebra 1 curriculum, there are many topics that used to be in the pre-calculus curriculum, and the students really struggle with them (function notation, domain and range, etc.). As precalculus topics, they were pretty easy for most students, and did not take up a great deal of instructional time, but topics that would take a few days in a precalculus class take a month in algebra 1, and many students still don’t have them mastered at the end BECAUSE they are too abstract and developmentally inappropriate. I fully believe that these same students would have little difficulty with these topics if they were presented 2-3 years later, after some additional algebra practice and brain development. There is a real pattern to these topics, and it maps very neatly onto Piaget’s idea of the difference between concrete and formal operations.

                  The thing is, math is a series of abstractions built on each other (even numbers/counting is an abstraction). That doesn’t make it impossible for students without formal operations to learn math, it simply changes the way it must be taught. Students need to fully master one level of abstraction to the point where it becomes concrete before they can use it to build up another level of abstraction. Failure to allow for this turns each math problem into a house of cards; students end up memorizing long series of arbitrary steps for which each one is a major cognitive task.

              2. Analyst Editor*

                Your assessment below of math curricula jives very well with my and acquaintances’ experience with NY math curricula.

    9. another Hero*

      I’m an introvert, and I very much doubt I’d have a consistent mb type (I imagine it’d vary by mood etc) but I was an intj when I took it in high school………and no, my attitude is (consistent with the current attitudes of the people who made it and any other data iirc) that it’s just as fake as all other personality tests

    10. Label No*

      I tend to test as either INFJ or INTJ, depending on mood. I used to be more fascinated by it. But the irritation was always there as well, with this and other personality tests, debunked or not. There are so many nuances and inward and outward dependencies that can make some of the more general questions difficult to decide on. So over time, the irritation won out. (A friend would pop up around this time to say “That is so INTJ of you!”) My perception was that a lot of folks, myself included, were apt to use the results to comfortably box themselves up. You don’t have to go through the hard work of learning and growing when you’ve got a label on you.

      I also have found a few too many people using the results as a crutch. Among friends and colleagues, I hear things like, “Oh, I’m an introvert, I need X and Y”—and expect it from all— or “My son is an extrovert and depends on other people to entertain him.” It’s really weird.

      My old company left it up to its departments to take the test or not. One department went so far as to have their team list their individual top three How You Should Treat Me on the outside of their cubes. One person wanted people to IM before walking up to her cube. This made interactions awkward when people from other departments walked up, saw the sign for the first time, and then didn’t know if it was at all okay to proceed or go back to their desk and IM first!

      Perhaps it’s just my corner of the world, I don’t know. I see how it might be comforting to some. I also see it as capable of holding people back.

      1. RebelwithMouseyHair*

        Obviously, you go back and IM first! Then I’ll IM back “OK just come right back, thanks for respecting my note!” and the “since you’ve just broken my thought chain anyway, you might as well get your question asked and answered straight off then pretty please you can all leave me alone to finish this thing.” will not be perceptible in my tone of voice and I can prepare a “happy to help” smile as you head back over.
        Although if I’m reluctant to pull myself right out of my work, I might just answer, “well since we’re messaging, can you just ask your question here and I’ll get back to you asap?”
        Either way, I really don’t know why it shouldn’t be obvious that you go back and IM first. Otherwise why bother putting up signs? I can just envisage the person who doesn’t know: “Oh sorry I didn’t know I had to message first, but anyway, since I’m here, could you bring me up to date on the llama grooming?”. Then next week they’ll have forgotten about the sign and will just remember having a delightful llama grooming update convo, and they’ll be back with “Oh sorry I forgot I had to message first but anyway, since I’m here…” and others will see her doing this and reckon it’s OK to do it too and AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH read the sign folks, it’s there for a reason!

    11. AGD*

      I tested the same way in high school health class, then spent time reading a pile of stuff about MBTI because I was fascinated. Eventually learned in undergrad that in academic psychology it’s not particularly reliable – Big Five/OCEAN is what you want for something grounded in science – but as an offhand way of capturing some rough tendencies in terms of personality, I’d say it’s better than astrology. Grain of salt, etc.

    12. NeonDreams*

      I’m an INFJ and it helped me explain why I act the way I do. I read about the type and couldn’t believe how well it matched my personality. I thought, okay, I’m not broken. This is the way I’m wired and I have to learn how to cope with that. So, it was a great starting point in my journey of self acceptance.

    13. Cynical INFP*

      I think it is over-rated. While the information was somewhat helpful in confirming why I’m the way I am, ultimately it was a bit disappointing. I think it is sort of a case of unrealistic expectations in having the knowledge that the test provides. People seem to think that it is a big “Eureka” moment that will provide enlightenment, and while the enlightenment is there, it’s more of a “meh” kind of thing. It was a start, but then I find I need to constantly go out and find more resources to help me develop new ways of coping and of maintaining my coping skills with stuff, life and everything.

      The book, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,” by Susan Cain was similar in that way. While not bad, it is trying to explain introverts to extroverts, and introverts already know this stuff. It isn’t all that helpful to introverts and not the be-all, end-all some people think it is. You still need to go out and find additional resources that will help you cope.

      1. WS*

        Yes, everyone I know who has read and recommended that book or found it important has been an extrovert trying to understand introverts. For introverts like myself, it’s more important to understand that it’s normal for socialising to be tiring. I tested around 99% introverted on the Myers-Briggs and closer to 50/50 on everything else, so there was no big revelation there. If it makes people feel more comfortable with themselves, that’s great, but it’s hardly unique there.

      2. RebelwithMouseyHair*

        For me, the wrongly diagnosed extrovert, reading that book was most enlightening because it confirmed that I’m actually an introvert, not just an inept extrovert as I previously had been told.

    14. Alex*

      Fellow INTJ here. I will say that I found the descriptions of myself to be accurate, in both positive and negative ways, but I wouldn’t go so far as to have found it “helpful.” As in, I didn’t do anything in particular with the information.

    15. Eeeek*

      Eh I wouldn’t say it’s useless, but close. I’ve taken multiple times over the years and results completly different every time. It’s also really hard to pick the answers and I feel like I’m giving a random guess instead of a real answer when I do it

      1. charo*

        I think people who like to be critical of “tests” that can provide insight sometimes are just uneasy that they can be “captured” by a test.

        It’s similar to a psychic reading. There are good ones and not so good ones. A good one would shock you by telling you things that person could not know. Someone like “the Amazing Randi” will make sweeping slams and some will like that because who wants their “secrets” to be told to them by a total stranger? It scares some that their inner self could actually be accessed by another. A psychic can’t read anything you choose to keep hidden, of course, but if you ask a good one to read you and you’re open, and don’t lie, then what? What if they’re right?

        It takes a very secure person to ask personal questions and listen to answers.
        Many choose to believe psychics and other New Age disciplines are fake, because it comforts them to. They’ll believe a scientist, even though scientists may disagree about the same issue. They’ll choose who they believe. Cause they have a “gut feeling” theirs is right.

        But a “gut feeling” — which gets praised in CEOs — is just INTUITION.

        1. Hrodvitnir*

          That is an interesting take. People (like me) who are not fans of unscientific tests dislike them because they have absolutely no backing in reality (or at the least in some cases do not work reliably without professional analysis), and most importantly because people wanting to believe them can have harmful applications. See: pigeonholing people based on whatever system you happen to like. Worse, see: businesses making hiring decisions based on them.

          I trust science and not the other things you mention because it’s evidence-based (and constantly evolving). I actually find personality tests highly entertaining, but I find people believing they deeply define who you are very concerning.

          I certainly support people feeling more freed to be themselves by their result! That is understandable, if you feel like some of your traits are “wrong” rather than neutral without something external providing reassurance.

        2. Bees Bees Bees*

          That’s part of the reason it’s useless. There’s a lot that goes into psychological studies to try to account for bias (which is always an uphill battle, despite attempts to be rigorous), because people’s self-reported responses cannot be relied upon.

          MBTI doesn’t account for response bias (an umbrella term for various types of survey bias). It has the illusion of science for those prone to confirmation bias for those it “works” for.

          It’s like getting sorted into a Hogwarts house. Might be vaguely accurate, but ultimately useless, aside from letting you feel special (just like everyone else!).

    16. The New Wanderer*

      I’m an ENTJ but borderline I/E, everything else is hardover into the N, T, and J categories and hasn’t budged any of the three or four times I’ve taken it.

      I first took it in high school and the results (INTJ originally, shifted to ENTJ after I started working) were used to generate “recommended career tracks.” Turns out it wasn’t that far off from what I went into as a career, but I wouldn’t put stock into it as a predictive measure any more than any other qualitative survey (and less than some). I found it interesting, especially when they came out with the Type exemplars – ENTJ is Field Commander, I think, and that kind of suits my work personality. But to be fair, I used to read my horoscope and Tarot cards and do dream analysis out of the same interest in introspection. Personally I think it’s a lot less about what the test says than what the results mean to you personally, and always with the grain of salt that you can take or leave anything about it that you want.

    17. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I did a similar sort of assessment at my work, people who rated as introverted or analytical got bullied as “not a culture fit.” So I see no usefulness to those tests except to put targets on certain people for not getting the “correct” result.

      1. Pennyworth*

        I did a Meyers-Briggs assessment as part of a training course a long time ago. The trainer then demonstrated how to use the results to bully people by dismissing any challenging questions or comments with ‘Well, you would say that, you’re an INTJ’ (or whatever).

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        @that girl from quinns house,
        At my workplace, most ppl test as quiet introverts and extroverts and anyone direct are seen as aberrations and bullies.

    18. Anonymous Educator*

      As long as you recognize there isn’t anything scientific in terms of those categories being empirically discoverable, it’s a good language (shorthand) to use for describing personality types, general preferences, and ways of approaching things.

    19. Not So NewReader*

      I am more of an introvert and I can run intuitive or use gut feelings in some situations, but not all.

      I thought that M-B was kind of a simplistic explanation of how people “work”. I guess it’s good in some ways that it lays out some foundational concepts that people can expand on later. But from the little I worked with it, I was glad I did not spend money on it. It wasn’t that helpful to me.

      The reason I say simplistic is because people change with their setting, others surrounding them and the stakes involved, etc. There’s a lot of variables in any given situation. I don’t think it helps people understand why others can react one way one day and a very different way another day. I am not sure how it helps people to just TALK to each other. I picture people running for their books, “This person is an [whatever], and they are doing x, now what am I supposed to do/say?”

      I am really not a fan of labels of any sort, either. I’d hate to see these labels used as a reason for holding others back, but I bet they do. I think we have too many labels going on now and I don’t see how more will help us. My grandmother used to say, “Eh. That is his/her WAY.” And that seems to explain a lot of behaviors, it’s just the way the person is, that’s all.

    20. Another beautiful day*

      INTP here. I’ve found MBTI to be extremely useful in coming to terms with the SJs NEEDING allllll the details. It’s really hard for me and recognizing and reminding myself that details are basically their operating system really helps.

    21. Oldbiddy*

      I’m also an INTJ, and I found it interesting. It serves me well as a scientist in a pretty specialized field, and I suspect that some of my colleagues may also be INTJ’s.
      I’m a woman, so that’s an especially uncommon combination. I can’t say it changed my behavior, but it did help explain why sometimes I feel like I’m from another planet.

      1. AGD*

        Yeah, me too (INTJ, woman, scientist). My teenage years were a bit hard, because most of the time I didn’t manage to find people to be nerdy with. Things improved in college, and especially grad school.

      2. Alex*

        I think it is so interesting that they say INTJ women are rare….but I know a bunch of INTJ women and here just in this small group we have several. I wonder if INTJs seek out other INTJs or we’re not as rare as the test claims.

    22. Choggy*

      I too have liked the Myers-Briggs interpretations of introverts, but find, depending on the situation, I can be downright extroverted if the company and subject are of interest to me. Of course, I am always drained the next day, so yup, an introvert I am and shall forever be!

    24. Artemesia*

      Many of the people I know are INTJ as am I so I am surprised it is rare. I think the useful thing about the system is that it gets people to reflect on differences and that different people bring different strengths to the table. Most people I know tend to find their categorization more or less accurate and it helps co-workers understand that what is annoying about someone else might be a different way of approaching an issue — and sometimes those differences are valuable. The important thing is to not accept it as an ironclad immutable truth.

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going.
    I’ve actually made quite a bit of progress on a piece of fanfiction, so I’m excited. That said, it seems the plot bunnies are multiplying like…well, rabbits.

    3. HannahS*

      I’ve gotten better at taking blog photos, so that’s encouraging! My current set up involves stacking a bunch of books on a desk and balancing my phone in a drinking glass and using the timer. So very low tech, but I’m becoming more comfortable taking photos of myself, which feels good! It’s a sewing/knitting blog, so that’s pretty necessary lol. I’m working on just posting more, instead of trying to make every little thing perfect, because it’s something that I enjoy, and it’s never going to be perfect.

    4. C Average*

      Sigh. I read somewhere about a famous writer saying something like, “some days I spend half the day adding a comma and the other half taking it out.” I am attempting to revise my novel and this is EXACTLY my current experience.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        SAME
        I spent two days struggling with three paragraphs. I think I arrived at the threshold of what I wanted to do (I wanted to plant something but not make it super obvious). I fear it is still too obvious, but if so, I still want the reader to have doubt. If I can’t get “OH MY GOD,” I’ll take “I KNEW IT!” :)

        I think my projected release date was a little too early; I may have to adjust that. (Shades of George R. R. Martin. :P)

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I’ve been playing a lot of Story of Seasons: Friends of Mineral Town on my Switch, as it doesn’t require too much concentration so I can watch the Tour de France at the same time. I also played some Bloodstained: Ritual of the Night and just beat Andrealphus (I think that’s how you spell it? The one who gives you the double jump) during a very boring part of the tour. I love how the Librarian seems to be three or four in-jokes rolled into one.

    1. DarthVelma*

      Still wrapped up in Elder Scrolls Online. We finally finished the major story lines in Northern and Southern Elsweyr, so I had to say a fond farewell to the Khajiit – at least for a while.

      We started up the quest line around Lyris Titanborn last night. Good grief the other Nord are annoying and suspicious bastards. My character is a Nord. Now that I’m meeting the other Nords, I’m making up his back story. Mostly to amuse my partner as we play. :-) So far I’ve decided he’s originally from the most annoying of the two Nord factions. His mom is a “clever woman” – that’s what they call magic users. They really don’t trust magic, but my character’s mom doesn’t care. We’re about to have to visit a “clever woman” in the story and I’ve decided she’s his mom and I will be making up dialog to that effect. Should be a hoot.

      Anyway, he left because the other Nord are annoying, suspicious bastards with no sense of humor or adventure and he was hoping the rest of the beings on the planet were less terrible. He was right. Sometimes. And he’s really not happy about being back among the Nord. And he grumbles about it…A LOT.

      There may be board gaming this weekend as well. We’ve been making vague noises in that direction and I would like to get in some more Gloomhaven bef0re I completely forget how to play.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m looking at a friend’s posts about Second Life and the virtual Burning Man being held inside… unfortunately my husband is the Linux wizard, so I need to get him to install it on the crazy PC I have. And that means talking him into taking time off of his Guild Wars 2 quest for an underwater skimmer. :)

      1. Nessun*

        LOL good luck…everyone I know is on that quest right now! Heck, that’s my plan for the weekend, dreaming of Cantha and tacking up XP for the skimmer mastery!

    3. Grand Mouse*

      Currently, getting back to Slime Rancher! I played it a lot when it came out but was frustrated by some limitations, and it sounds like a LOT has updated since launch. It’ll be fun to discover all the new things, and with a mode to disable Tarr slimes from popping up, much less stressful

      I’m also playing Ooblets, so far it’s fun but still early release and I can tell.

    4. General Organa*

      Anyone get into a slump with Animal Crossing, and how did you get out of it? I was playing regularly for months but now I feel like the next thing to do is redecorate my island, and honestly, I find that idea kind of tedious…but it looks a mess haha.

      1. JenC*

        Yes, a bit…the fact that the season has changed now helps though. I set mine to southern hemisphere even though I am in Canada (I’m planning a tropical island getaway during winter!), so it is now spring for me. The other thing I did was go to a bunch of mystery islands for a bit. Maybe you could just pick one tiny area to work on…like I made a plant stall near my plaza, and worked on an entrance path for a while…some days are boring though…when Isabelle says there is no real news…sigh…it is very realistic in thst there are even mundane days on a beautiful island! If all else fails, you could be like my kid who got sick of it and deleted everything and started again!

    5. The Other Nigel*

      Don’t know if it counts as a game, but I’m having a lot of fun with Microsoft’s Flight Simulator 2020. I even broke down and bought a joystick and throttle peripheral. Still learning the intricacies of the simulator — there are billions and billions of options.

      And in my spare play time, I’m revisiting Outer Worlds to prepare for upcoming DLC Peril On Gorgon.

  10. Embarrassed Regular Going Anon*

    For artists/writers/other creative types, how do you get over wanting other people’s approval/validation?

    Earlier this week I posted an artwork in a hobby site. Now I know my limits, and I’m nowhere near the most skillful/popular artist on the site, but my previous artworks got some likes and even occasional comments. I really like this one, and I thought it was decent enough.

    And then … it got more than the usual clicks (the site tells you how many people clicked on the work), but no likes. I had a previous work with fewer clicks and more likes, for comparison, and I wasn’t really satisfied with how that one turned out.

    So now I feel really embarrassed for posting the artwork. I feel like I made a horrible misjudge on the quality, and now I’m second guessing myself.

    Any tips or advice would be really appreciated. And should I remove the post? I feel embarrassed every time I see it on my page.

    2. Thankful for AAM*

      Don’t likes mean “it spoke to me in a personal way” not “I have viewed this and judged it as likeable.”

      I know I sometimes do like things and don’t remember to hit like. Its about my clicking mood and not the item.

      But you asked more about letting go of needing the likes. Weee you raised with a lot of praise? I was and I have had to unlearn depending on it. Learning about praise as we raised outlr son has helped me see the harm in it and helped me ease my dependence on it. Punished by Rewards by A. Cohen is a good book.

      We raised our son without judgement, that means praise or criticism in that if he set the table or showed us his art, we told him its impact on us, not whether we judged it good or bad. “Thanks for setting the table, it saved us a lot of time/helped the family.” “I enjoyed hearing about your picture!” We can see the difference it has made for him when he was a child and now as an adult.

      And the process was helpful to me then and now in a workplace that has no idea it is not giving feedback of any kind.

      1. Embarrassed Regular Going Anon*

        Hm, that’s a perspective I hadn’t thought about. Even if an artwork doesn’t speak to me in personal way, I give likes anyway, if I think it has artistic merit. That’s a helpful framing; I think I’ve been expecting people to behave similarly.

        I do realize a major part why I feel embarrassed is my lifelong issue of needing praises and to be liked. I didn’t talk about it because it would be too long/emotional and it’s not okay to dump it into strangers.

        That’s great what you taught your son. I hope he’s a healthier/happier adult because of it!

    3. Always a couch potatoo*

      What do you think about changing your perspective to measure the clicks/views as the number of people who were interested? (That’s how I do evaluate the few pieces of writing I’ve posted online and it’s a more positive outlook for me that works.) I encourage you to keep going and posting your artwork! You’ll find the right people and your audience who’ll start liking your posts over time.

    4. mlem*

      To your actual question: It’s so, so hard! I’ve posted series in which likes/commenting dropped off, and I wanted to go back to prior readers to ask what I did wrong that they’ve ~abandoned~ me.

      But as a reader, I lose track of series all the time, or don’t have the time/energy for certain aspects of them, which says nothing at all about their quality. Some readers click “like” on anything they open simply because they want to encourage posting; some on anything they think is well-done; some only on things that they found appealing; some only on works they absolutely loved. Fic differs from art in this, but if –for example — I read a story that has a great setup only to end on several paragraphs of sex as the apparent “point” of the story (which is very, very common in fanfic), I might not bother to “like” before closing, even if I was really loving the earlier parts of the story.

      There’s also the question of whether the forum makes likes easy. Do you have to have an account to like things?
      (If so, hits might be from people who don’t want to create an account, or might not want to log into an account from work, etc.) Could you be getting traffic from people who don’t know how “likes” work on that site? (If you can “like” things at DeviantArt as a guest, that’s news to me, for example.) AO3 lets you “like” something as a guest, or once when logged in; is it possible that one user has viewed the art multiple times from different devices, inflating the hit count?

      Is the subject matter something that viewers might not bother to inspect closely to judge your technique before clicking away again? (I saw an intriguing relationship rec, clicked through, saw the tags, and noped right out of there because that content is not my cuppa.) If you’ve drawn a charming Thorki or smut or fluff or spider scene and people don’t care for Thorki or smut or fluff or spiders, they might have clicked not knowing they’d find that and then just left again.

      And some people just hate the “like” system. I don’t get that myself, but then, I used to be snooty about commenting/replying always being essential. And then I somehow lost the ability to find the words for either side of that, so I try to not judge anymore. Emphasis on try.

      1. Embarrassed Regular Going Anon*

        Ah, that abandoned feeling! I can relate lol.

        The site allows you to give “likes” anonymously (not DeviantArt). But anyway, yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head about the subject matter. Thanks for answering, you’ve given me a lot of perspectives to consider.

    5. LQ*

      This may sound odd, but why do you want the likes? Or maybe more to the core of it why do you make the art?

      Assuming it’s not trying to make a job of it and a living from it. Are you trying to speak to people, convey a message? Are you trying to be heard? Are you trying to create something beautiful? Are you trying to improve your skill or test a new skill?

      Don’t remove the post. You made something you were satisfied with. That’s good. That’s worth celebrating. The best thing I can suggest to do is just keep moving forward and making more art for yourself. Share if you want to share it, but sometimes just know that it’s for you. Also, age has seemed to help me. I don’t know if that helps, but I’m way less likely to care if I get less praise about something now than when I was 20. I’m also more ok making things that only I like. (And making jokes only I get, weirdly I attribute some of my shrugging off of caring what people think to my endless litany of inside jokes. I’m the only person inside, but I’m hilarious.)

      1. Embarrassed Regular Going Anon*

        I do it as a hobby, a way to have something fun to do and to give myself an identity that is not tied to work. And yes, to create something beautiful as well as to improve my skill.

        Which makes me annoyed with myself for wanting the likes, because it means that those are not my only reasons – that deep down I still want approval/validation. Because if I really only do it for myself, then why did I post it publicly?

        That part about age does help, because it means there’s hope for me still xD I’m still on the process of convincing myself that “what I like is okay”, so maybe a few years down the road I’ll get where you are. Thanks a lot!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Creatives seem to pour their own body cells into their work. And the lack of acknowledgement can really cut like a knife.
      Unfortunately, in order to sell work, people have to like it. If they don’t like it they don’t buy it. Lack of income and Hunger only adds to the misery.

      I have several suggestions:
      Read about great artists and writers in history. Absorb what they went through. When you start seeing patterns, you might be able to detach a little bit as you realize that some of it is a process.

      Another idea is try to get a gauge about how you feel about a given piece. If you are unusually fond of it, maybe consider not posting it where others will comment or not comment as the case may be. In other words, control how much of you that you put out there.

      And yeah, people can tend to like the “lesser”. Ever watch dancers on TV? Growing up I was amazed to see the audience applaud little dance moves and then remain silent when the dancers did something spectacular. Why is that. I don’t get it. But it’s good to know that this stuff happens all. the. time.

      I have a friend who does wood work. He holds back some of his pieces. He’s kind of selective about who he shows his work to. And like you are saying, he shakes his head at what people gravitate toward. They tend to pick out the stuff that he threw together in one afternoon.

      I have another friend who is an artist. I think there might be something disconnect in my brain, because there are times where I just don’t understand what she is showing me. Part of me feels stupid because I don’t get it. (This leads me to thinking about how there has to be different types of intelligences, as in this is one I do not have.) After I say, “Oh that’s nice.” I have nothing else to add to the conversation. I’m not an artist, so, yeah, I don’t know and I don’t fully appreciate.

      I do think that after this let down, it will be a while before you experience another let down of this size. In some ways we can “toughen up” but that’s not the right word. Perhaps we gain a perspective or a way of thinking about things where it matters less?

      1. Embarrassed Regular Going Anon*

        Ooh, these are all very helpful, thanks! And yeah, my current situation is like you wood work friend: I keep wondering why some of my other artworks, which I don’t consider as good as this one, get more likes.

        And don’t worry, even I have times where I just don’t get other artworks. Then again I consider myself a hobbyist, not an artist, so…

    7. RagingADHD*

      The main “get over it” thing for me was turning professional. Did it sell, did I get the gig, did we sell tickets, etc.

      There’s still an element of wanting approval and enjoying it, but it helps you separate from the thing as a product. It also helps you separate the stuff that is personally meaningful to you from the stuff that sells – it’s often different.

      Another aspect of taking your creative work seriously/with a professional mindset, is knowing what your intention was for the piece. What were you exploring, expressing, or trying to achieve?

      Then you can step back and see whether the piece succeeded or failed in getting that across.

      1. Embarrassed Regular Going Anon*

        But in assessing whether the piece succeed in getting my intention across, wouldn’t that kind of depend on other people’s reaction to it? I mean, if I’m the only one who manage to “get” the piece, can you really say it’s a success?

        1. RagingADHD*

          Yes, absolutely. But the difference is that you are separating the piece from yourself. You are not taking those people’s opinions personally.

    8. ThePear8*

      Likes are so subjective. A lot of the pieces I’m proudest of have some of the least likes – my most popular illustrations are fan art for big, active fandoms. Likes mean nothing.
      Maybe one thing that might help, is when I look at a piece and feel proud of it, I don’t think “dang this piece got X likes”, I’m proud of it because every time I look it I go “dang, I made that, it looks good”.
      Try not to compare yourself to others. I know with art it’s extremely easy to, but be proud of it because it’s something YOU created and that compared against your own work looks amazing, not because however many people decided to arbitrarily click a thumbs up button.
      You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Leave the post up.

  11. Amethyst*

    A friend was here yesterday with two flea-infested kittens and begged me to show her how to bathe them, so I did. And I’m worried that the fleas have gained a foothold in my own place. I have two cats. I can’t afford an expense like Frontline at the moment. I found a half-dead one before bed last night. I’d already vacuumed as soon as she left with the cats, dumped the towels we used for them, and I soaked the clothes I was wearing in the tub with hot water and some of my laundry soap. Now that hindsight’s 20/20, I wish I kept her outside and brought a bucket of water out instead.

    Any ideas to keep them out? I’m mostly worried about having to live in a flea-infested house. I know just how bad it is and how hard it is to get rid of them.

    1. Lena Clare*

      If they have them you will have to treat your cats.
      I’ve heard that feeding them grated carrot works to kill the fleas. I’ve no idea if this works or not!
      Keep your cats out and safe then spray some water with a drop of tea tree oil around your fabrics.
      Wait till the smell has gone and the fabric is dry (if it got wet) before letting your cats back in as essential oils are harmful for cats.
      You’re probably ok if you hoovered though :)

        1. tangerineRose*

          I don’t know if they can eat carrots, but obligate carnivores can eat stuff that isn’t meat (my vet once recommended giving my kitty some pure canned pumpkin. Obligate carnivores have to eat meat, but they can eat other stuff.

    2. MistOrMister*

      If you’re able to take your cats somewhere for a day, you can bug bomb the heck out of your place. We got fleas years ago (never had them while the dog was alive but got infested right after he died, which was weird). Got a number of those fog bombs from home depot, set them throughout the house, pulled the pins and ran for our lives. We were gone all day and when we got home there wasn’t a flea left. I am afraid I don’t know any other ways to get rid of them.

      One caveat about vaccuuming, I suggest taking the bag outside (or dumping the canister outside) immediately afterwards each time. An exterminator once told me to do that for carpet beetles are they are very small and can get back out once,you put the vaccuum away. And I realized that was happening when I had those horrid meal moths! I kept vaccuming them up and they apparently kept getting out the bag and into the cupboard again. Hugely frustrating…

      1. TechWorker*

        I wouldn’t have thought fog bombs are much cheaper than frontline? Not sure what country you’re in but where I am 2 doses is ~$15 (from amazon/online pet shop rather than a vet). You obviously know your own budget but it feels like if your house does get infested you’ll spend lots of time and stress on it and it might be better to try to lump up that cost now :( good luck!

        1. MistOrMister*

          Our issue was the fleas were in the carpeting and whatnot. Frontline might save the pets, but the fleas will still bite the humans. So if the fleas are inside, they might still need to do some sort of treatment to the house. I have no idea what bug bombs cost….was just saying that’s what we did to do to clear up our issue. I also dont know what frontline goes for now. The last time I bought it, I think it was more than $15 though.

      2. Artemesia*

        This was the only way we got rid of fleas from our cat decades ago and after that all cats were indoor cats as I didn’t want my kids exposed to the poisons needed to control fleas (this was before those flea drops you put on the neck of the animal– I don’t know if they would have worked). The bug bomb worked — we kept the kids out of the house for 24 hours and thoroughly aired it before we came back. We also vaccumed like crazy and we didn’t have a resurgence from left behind flea eggs.

    3. Meh*

      I had fleas without any pets one time and I found bringing a dehumidifier around the house and having it bring the humidity as low as humanly possible in each room seemed to kill them. I was able to do this in the South but if the humidity is heavy all the time, it may not work as well.

    4. Rebecca*

      I’ve never found any of the natural or non chemical ideas that worked. I use Advantage II on my cats, and echo the previous post of taking the vacuum bag/canister outside to empty it. I empty it into a doubled plastic grocery bag, then spray the contents with Deet (like you’d use on yourself when outside), then put it directly in the garbage can. I’m helping a friend rid her new rental of fleas, and she put a flea collar in the vacuum canister in case any fleas are left behind after she empties it. Another thing I’ve found helpful is filling glass pie dishes with soapy water, placing them on the floor under a nightlight or rechargeable flashlight pointing down (plug it in and turn to the on position). Fleas are attracted to the light at night and will jump into the soapy water and drown. Good luck!

    5. Lorine*

      I just had the “OMG fleas” fire drill myself, and I did the following (although I would check your cat with a flea comb first to confirm fleas):

      1. Gave my cat Capstar, which starts killing any adult fleas on the cat within 30 minutes. They literally fall off dead, which is horrifying and reassuring at the same time. Capstar is about $30 for 6 tablets, it is not long term treatment like Advantage 2, but it works almost instantly. The next day I gave her Advantage 2, which was $27 for a 2 month supply.

      2. Used home flea spray ($10) all over the house systematically after vacuuming (and put a flea collar ($8 for a pack of two) in the vacuum to kill any buggers who may end up in the vacuum canister). It dries after about 2 hours so I did the whole house except for my room, cat and I hung out for 2 hours in my room, then did my room.

      3. All of the laundry. Just, so much laundry: clothes in the laundry bin, all of my bedding, towels, etc.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      In the days before Frontline, an engineer friend had a cat get out and bring them back. He did some of things mentioned above and one more for his curiosity. You know how insects are attracted to light? He set up a lasagna pan of sudsy water on the floor with a high-intensity desk lamp set up so it was about 6 inches over the center of the pan… and it worked. This was in addition to other treatments, but it did cut down the population in just one night. Oh and because it was a small single-level place, he credits having this in the central room for a few nights for keeping fleas from finding his bedroom. (That and the flea dip he gave his cat!)

      1. Bagpuss*

        You can also buy flea traps which work in the same way – a lamp over a tray lined with sticky paper. I found it worked pretty well and was reassuring as it gave me confidence that they were gone! (I am not 100% sure but I think I wound up with them in my house as a neighbour’s cat liked to sit immediately outside the front door, so although my cat was treated and was flea-free, they kept coming into the house.

    7. tangerineRose*

      Can you ask your friend to pay for the Frontline? It’s her fault there are fleas at your house.

    8. Anxious cat servant*

      My boy cat is likely part Russian Blue with the crazy-thick fur of that breed and of course he was the one to get infested with the most resilient fleas imaginable one summer. He’s allergic to most flea treatments and these fleas were resistant to most of them anyway so the ONLY thing that worked was daily brushings with a flea brush and vacuuming and laundering everything we could every few days. For brushing I’d keep a bowl of soapy water and a wet wipe next to me and every time I ‘caught’ a flea in the tooth combs I’d use the wet wipe to deposit it in the soapy water. Eventually it would drown but it took a while. It was disgusting and took a full month but eventually he went from horribly infested to flea free. Decidedly not something I want to repeat.

      A couple years later we took in a kitten who had fleas and I didn’t want to bathe as she’d just had surgery. The flea comb method worked and she was flea-free in a couple days. It helped that we were keeping her in a bathroom so it was easy to launder her bedding and mop everything else.

      Good luck!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My vet had me sprinkle Borax on the rug and let it sit for a few hours. Then vacuum it up. I kept the critters off the carpets, of course, while the Borax was on there , but it seemed to work well.

    10. WHAT!!!*

      Sorry I don’t have ideas, but what was your friend thinking bring them to your place?? She could have called you for help to her place or asked for directions.. That was so thoughtless.

    11. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, I’m sorry, but find the money for flea treatments. It’ll be cheaper in the long run. Advantage/Advantix (whatever it’s called I forget) is what I use now since Frontline stopped working on fleas in my area. It may be cheaper than Frontline.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        We had our cats treated with Frontline a few years ago, and it didn’t work at all. Our youngest got neutered and brought fleas home with him from the vet’s office. We ended up using food-grade diatomaceous earth to get rid of them (along with combing the cats daily).

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Frontline has been around for a very long time, and there are areas where the fleas have become resistant. Thus why I changed. Your vet should have a sense of what works best in your area.

        2. Artemesia*

          I use that in our storage locker and when we stored all our furniture for 6 mos it really did keep it from picking up bugs at the locker — I rimmed our locker with a couple of inches of the stuff and when we moved our furniture out, there were all sorts of dead bugs in it and we didn’t bring home bedbugs or roaches etc.

          Never thought of using it for animal fleas. It is nice in that while it can be an irritant it is not poisonous — you can in fact eat it — you don’t want it in your eyes though.

          1. Sam I Am*

            Yes to the DE, just make sure you buy “food grade.”
            I think the 20lb bag we bought cose about $15. All natural, no chemicals, treated the house thoroughly. We also treated the cat with Revolution, the DE was to treat the house.

    12. Books and cats*

      I would spray the house with Ortho Home Defense. You can use it on carpets, furniture and hardwood. Just put the kitties in another room until it dries, usually less than an hour depending on the weather. Then I would bathe my cats.
      I’ve used Home Defense for years and never had a problem with fleas. I use it once a month inside and on the porches.

    13. JobHunter*

      You have my sympathies. I have 2 Maine Coon mix cats and a Mini Schnoodle whose hair felts and mats like crazy. Flea combing was a nightmare when our house got infested. I shampoo the carpets and preemptively use a treatment spray containing an insect growth hormone inhibitor that is supposed to work for 6 months twice a year, but the infestation got out of hand fast last fall. I tried all of the suggestions others have listed here, and used a yard treatment on the lawn and trees (including the boulevard) to kill anything that hopped off of untreated dogs being walked by their owners. I rotated flea treatments monthly (imidocloprid, permethrin, etc.) for 4 months with no reduction in the severity. It wasn’t until we introduced Sentinel for dogs to the rotation that we made some headway. Drier conditions during the winter probably helped, too.

    15. PNW Dweller*

      If you end up opting for medicine you put on your cat, go with Advantage or Frontline. I watched a video of a cat that was administered a cheaper alternative. It was not a good outcome. I’m sorry your friend infected your house. It’s like the pet version of bed bugs.

    16. Amethyst*

      Thanks for all the replies. I’ll be enacting several things from your suggestions this week.

      Thanks also for several of you raising the excellent point of “why doesn’t [my] friend pay for the flea treatments?”. TBH, it never crossed my mind, & I never considered it an option (extremely dysfunctional childhood in which anything I needed or wanted was a battle or a “wait until you make your own money” type situation). I asked her last night if she could; she has a 6 month supply of topical treatments coming to my house. I plan to split the box between my two cats & hopefully winter’s dry air takes care of the rest. :)

    1. MistOrMister*

      My basil has sprouted hugely, but mostly, my entire yard has been taken over by cucumber vines. I’ve nevrr seen anything like it. They strangled my,poor green beans :’-(

    2. NeverNicky*

      We’ve been on holiday and while we were away, a friend who is a garden contractor came and pruned, chopped and tidied – some to my instruction, some at his discretion.

      It’s amazing. I woke up happy to see the garden, rather than frustrated at how much work it needed, and there’s still the capacity to do the fun stuff: harvest tomatoes, take cuttings, move plants that haven’t thrived (or got a bit rampant).

      We’re very fortunate not only to have such a trusted and capable friend but to have the money to solve problems by getting in expert help.

      1. Venus*

        Oh wow, wish I had this! I have been busy the past couple weeks and my garden is an overgrown, weedy disaster!

    3. Me*

      Lemon cucumbers, zucchini squash and sun gold tomatoes continue to be prolific. We’ve enjoyed zucchini pancakes (moosewood recipe that uses feta) 2x this week.

      I’ll be out there today clipping a few things, tidying up a bit.

      Still getting a lot of hot peppers, but I’ve already made hot sauce and pickled all that I need. Don’t quite want to rip out the plants but I’ll need to figure out something else to do with the peppers (fireball and jalapeño). Suggestions?

      I have a prolific squash in my birdie bed. I do not remember what it is that I started from seed but I’m starting to think maybe baby butternut. The fruit is still very small. Definitely a winter variety. It’s crowding out some of the green beans but I’m pretty tired of those at this point!

      1. pancakes*

        There are a lot of mutual aid projects right now – maybe check a map and see if there’s a local group or spot to donate your peppers to.

      2. c-*

        You can dry peppers in the sun for cooking and decoration (granted, it is a rustic look: you tie them together by the stems and hang them like a garland or down a wall), or donate them as pancakes said :) Maybe a to a kitchen feeding folks? Those projects are always grateful for spices ime.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      Still getting lots of tomatoes and zucchini, although we’re currently in a turf war with a gang of outlaw chipmunks. Green beans are trying to take over, and everything else seems to be winding down. Our local nursery is having a big sale on perennials this weekend, so I think it’s as good a time as any to redo the beds.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not only have I managed to keep my spider plant alive for like four months now, but it’s got a stalk come in that I’m told is where it’s going to produce offspring! As a notoriously black-thumbed individual, I am unbelievably stoked about this unexpected success.

      1. c-*

        Congratulations from another black thumbed person! That’s great :D

        I’m scrupulously following my dad’s instructions for taking care of his lemon tree while he’s away, and not only have I not killed it yet (!), it even sprouted a flower (!!). So I can relate :)

      2. Venus*

        I’m very happy for you! I can grow tomatoes from seed but quickly kill spider plants. So you’re doing well!

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      I have an iguana problem (south Florida) and I’m trying again to grow a little in a raised box. I planted mint and basil around some tomatoes bc I did an experiment last year b4 I gave up and theye did not seem to like mint or basil. I noticed a nibble on the basil but so far so good. I left space for some kale that I am starting from seed.

      I don’t know when to move the kale to the beds from the seed starter things I have them in. I have one of those Styrofoam rectangles with small sections that you fill with dirt and plant seeds. I’m assuming I will notice when they look sturdy enough to move but any help would be appreciated. I have not really gardened since I was a kid.

      Also, anti-iguana suggestions gratefully accepted! I have heard coyote urine is an effective deterent.

      1. Me*

        No idea about iguanas!

        Are you starting the kale inside or out? If it’s already out then you could transplant them once they get like two sets of true leaves (first two leaves that pop up aren’t true leaves). Water well ahead of time and then just gently work the starts out of the soil while trying to not totally destroy the roots and transplant.

        If it’s hot (iguanas?!) then aim for transplanting during the coolest part of the day and water well. If that’s the cool morning of a hot day then consider shading the plants for a day or so, making sure they have enough water.

        Kale is a good fall crop around here as it tends to like cooler weather. We don’t have iguanas though.

      2. fposte*

        It is funny how different gardening challenges can be in different places. To this Midwesterner, “iguana problems” are so exotic as to be delightful, but that’s probably no consolation if you’re seeing plants chewed to stems.

        1. Venus*

          I was thinking the same, then remembered that my wildlife would probably be exotic to someone else when it isn’t at all to me.

    7. Lena Clare*

      Thanks to Zooey who recommended the fruit tree grease to deter ants on my red robin.
      It’s worked and there are no more green fly, but it’s looking a bit sorry for itself because I had to remove lots of leaves they’d munched on.
      I’m going to put some special feed on it and top up the soil, plus water of course, and see how it fares over the next week.

      I’ve been getting rust on the lavatera. I’ve removed all the affected leaves and watered the soil only, not from above, but it’s been raining a lot so there’s not much I can do about that. Now the stems’re looking very small and pathetic.
      I think the rust is coming back.
      Anything else I can do or will I have to resort to special rust killer?

    8. pancakes*

      It’s just a fire escape and windowsill garden since I’m in NYC but it’s getting a little wild! I have a pot of zinnias indoors that are at least 3.5’ tall and have been blooming all summer. I was very, very lazy about potting on my tomato seedlings but the plants are thriving and they’re both varieties that produce fruit on the small side (Roma and Principe Borghese), and I think I’m on track to finally have some tomatoes later this month or in early October.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        What sunlight do you have and for how many hours, and what’s the general temperature range of your apartment in spring and summer? And how big is the container? Zinnias are such great flowers! You’re inspiring me to try them indoors next summer if we have the right conditions.

        1. WellRed*

          Mine are outside on the front steps, they get full sun for most of the day. The pot is oh, 20 inches high, 15 in diameter? A typical floor plant pot size, if you will.

        2. pancakes*

          They’re in a south-facing window that gets several hours a day of bright but indirect light (indirect due to modest height tenement buildings across the street & a tall tree on our side). They’re in a 7” self-watering plastic pot and I’m glad I put them in one of those rather than standard terra-cotta because they seem thirsty. They’ve “cactus” variety, multicolored, and the blooms last a long time. A cheap thrill all summer from $1.50 packet of seeds!

        3. pancakes*

          Temperature range: We turn the a/c on if it’s around 83, 84 and/or very humid. Probably averages low 70s Fahrenheit.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      End of summer blues — I need to get in and take things out and decide what to overwinter. Most of the squashes got mildewed and collapsed, but there’s one or two more yellow squashes on the pots I put in strange places. Our Thai hot pepper was a resounding success — half a pint of peppers already, with more still ripening. That has earned a place in the plant bathroom for sure. (We learned accidentally that the bushy Asian hot peppers are a tender perennial that goes dormant inside in a New England winter.)
      The fig cuttings that my husband experimented with all have rooted, so we’ve given away some and will probably experiment with overwintering them in different ways.
      The beauty success? The blackeyed susans are in such full bloom I get to have flowers in the house without feeling like I’ve cut anything.
      The fuscia that I got for mother’s day last year had died almost the whole way but I attempted overwintering it. This year I almost gave up on it but halfway through the summer it cheered up and started to bloom. It’s not as bushy as it was last spring but it seems healthier. No idea if it’s weather or just a better root system for the amount of foliage.
      I have two late-forming tomatoes that I fear will not ripen before frost.

    10. Might be Spam*

      I still only have 1 green pepper out of a dozen plants. But now it looks like they’re going to get more flowers so I have my fingers crossed that they will have time to bloom and pollinate before the weather gets too cold. They are in pots so I can bring them inside once it looks like actual peppers start forming.

      Just in case, does anyone know how to pollinate plants by hand?

      1. pancakes*

        With a watercolor brush, wet with a little water. Not that I’m an expert on this – I tried growing rocoto peppers on my fire escape once and got a single one before the summer ended! But I think I’d have had a lot more if I’d realized sooner the brush needs to be wet for best results. I knew I needed a brush from websites I consulted at the time but none of them specified that.

      2. Artemesia*

        I used a fluffy small paintbrush dry to pollinate my pear tree and my lemon trees and that works fine; you can see the pollen clinging to the hairs. Best are those Japanese or Chinese calligraphy brushes or similar very soft brushes. I have used q tips in a pinch with our indoor lemon trees and that worked too.

      3. Nita*

        I don’t pollinate my peppers. They do fine anyway, even the indoor ones, so they must be self-pollinating. I do see a big difference in the number of peppers by amount of light. My pot of peppers, in indirect light, gives us one pepper a month. My kid’s pot, right next to the window, has five peppers ripening at once, and is still blooming.

    11. Cruciatus*

      Maybe y’all will have some explanation for my plants. They started growing great and I was excited that there’d eventually be a bunch of veggies but then everything just…stalled. I got one cucumber and no more would form, one zucchini started to form but it ended up rotting on the stem and the rest of the flowers on the vine just shriveled up. The green pepper plant still looks good, nice and green, but I still only have 1 green pepper! And similar story for the tomatoes–nice and green, but only 2 ever formed.

      They were placed to get lots of sun, had potting soil with plant food, they were watered frequently (I admit I may have missed a day or two over the few months the plants were doing well, but I don’t think that should have done this?). The leaves had some bites in them but whenever I visited the plants they weren’t overly picked over. It’s really like they just stalled and couldn’t get back going again. I’d like to try again next year but am not sure what went wrong since they started out so well.

      1. Venus*

        I wish that I knew. I had something similar this year! My tomatoes haven’t grown much and my pepper plants not at all. Ugh!

      2. pancakes*

        I don’t know anything about cucumbers, but my understanding is that too much plant food early on can discourage tomatoes from producing fruit. From an SF Gate gardening column:

        “Over-fertilizing tomatoes early in their lives results in plants that are tall and spindly, with lots of deep green foliage, but few flowers. Tomatoes can’t simply use the ideal amount of nitrogen they need to thrive. Instead, excess nitrogen in a tomato plant tells the plant to produce more leaves and stems at the expense of blossoms and fruits. Sometimes, excess nitrogen can be leached from the root area of tomato plants by repeated, deep waterings.”

        I know @BuildSoil on Twitter has written about this but I can’t find the thread right now. I’m learning a lot from him.

      3. lasslisa*

        I had a part of my garden with this behavior this year and I’ve realized it doesn’t have good drainage at ALL. I bought a cheap moisture meter and the top inch or two of dirt will be cracked and dry but at 4 inches down it’s absolutely soaked, not only does the moisture meter spike but I can feel the ends are damp after I pull it out. The dead squash plant pulled up right from its crown, maybe 2″ of unrotted roots left.

    12. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      The lettuce seeds have sprouted and I’ll need to thin them, and I transplanted a bunch of mail-order strawberry plants, mostly into strawberry bags and a couple into terra cotta flowerpots.

      This is all experimental and wildly optimistic: the company that sold me my cucumber plants emailed with “plant strawberries now for next spring” and it seemed reasonable.

      My cherry tomatoes seem to be pretty well done, though.

    13. Ranon*

      Planted seeds for a fall garden today (rain yesterday made it easy going), indoors we’ve had a rough month for the succulents but I’ve finally abandoned some of the truly dead ones and am propagating some of the leggy ones for replacements. My mom brought me some cuttings from some of her indoor plants so working on getting those going too.

      Really what I need to do is repot my nepenthes but that’s a whole thing…

    14. Eyeball*

      My pumpkin vines, which have taken over the entire patio pretty much, are beset by gross little white bugs that look like sesame seeds. Like, literally, the bottom of the leaves look like sesame candy. When I shake the vines, they rise up in a white cloud and settle right back down, covering the buds, and the stems, and the leaves, and UGH IT’S SO NASTY.

      I also have corn plants, that grow ears with no kernels on them, and bean plants with no beans, and tomato plants with a summerlong total of two hard green tomatoes. My peppers are doing great, though!

    15. Liane*

      1-Poinsettia question:
      I got one last Christmas. It is very green & bushy now. Looks lovely but no flowers or red bracts. How do I get it it produce them? I know it needs repotting, is getting root-bound.
      2-Hen & chicks question:
      What potting medium? My daughter got some we repotted & they died & I want to get her more. Should I just get the ones already in nice containers?
      3-Christmas cactus will be 2 years old this season. I will put it back outside this week so it can experience the shortening days. This & some standards Job’s houseplant spikes gave me lots of blooms last year.
      4-I picked up some $1 mums last week, will be getting more come payday. They are called pink & purple; each bloom is a mix of white/yellow/lavender. Beautiful.

      1. Venus*

        1. I’ve heard that it’s about daylight hours, same as christmas cactus.
        2. The best tip I ever got for succulents is to use water from my dehumidifier. Mine used to do badly and now they are thriving. But I also have a different home so maybe it’s another factor? Although it’s working, and the suggestion was from someone with a lot of succulents.

  13. Helvetica*

    Recommendations for a house plant which is:
    *safe for cats (my cat tried to relentlessly eat an anthurium I was sitting for);
    *thrives in low to medium light – I have West facing windows but they get direct sunlight only in the afternoon and since I live on a high second floor, facing another building, I don’t get a lot of light in anyways and I’m always confused how bright should a bright light be when looking at plant specifications;
    *is not too fussy to take care of, as I am bad at seeing the nuances in plant satisfaction;
    *looks pretty.

    So far, I’ve narrowed it down to some palms, like the parlor palm, some kind of air plant, the nerve plant and/or an orchid which I’ve successfully maintained previously and are so far the only ones I’ve found which bloom and are safe for cats.
    Anything I’m completely missing and isn’t a succulent (as they are very much recommended but I don’t care for them)? I am also fascinated by the Venus flytrap which is safe but I guess wouldn’t like the light conditions?

    1. MistOrMister*

      I have a fern (I forget the name of it) that my cats mostly ignore, but gnaw on once in a while when they can’t get outside. It doesn’t require much care. This year I got some liriope, which they love to chew on. It just looks like big grass mostly, but now it’s flowering with these cute little beaded things. Only caveat is if your cats are gnawers like mine, lirope will likely start looking raggedy. But the cats are happy!! I also have a corn plant that is toxic to cats, but is one plant my cats have never tried to eat, for some reason. I believe spider plant is supposed to be non toxic for cats, but I wasn’t able to find any in the store. The google tells me,something called a Mosaic Plant is also safe for cats and has low light requirements.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I think Amazon has them too, but since I’m generally looking for fairly hardy, low maintenance plants anyway, I figured something that will survive shipping is probably a good start, haha!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Spider plant roots so easily you can probably ask on freecycle or Buy Nothing or a neighborhood community group for someone else’s cuttings.

    2. TechWorker*

      Our Venus flytrap is one of the more difficult plants we have to keep alive, would say orchids are easier!

      I think from google ferns are not cat friendly though might depend how inclined yours are to nibble (there’s a long list of plants that aren’t highly toxic but I think could probably cause them trouble if they ate a lot of it).

      Side suggestion – there are some really good looking fake plants out there now… zero maintenance, low light, probably cat friendly unless particularly breakable. I mix them in with real ones :)

      1. Katherine*

        Slightly OT & you may already know this, but some tips on venus flytraps. They need to sit in a saucer of rainwater at all times (either rainwater or distilled, unless your tap water is very, very soft). They do like a lot of sunlight, and also benefit from a winter rest outside (they are more hardy than you would think). And, it’s generally best to cut off any flower stems as soon as they appear. Oh, and never trigger the traps or try to feed them stuff! (I love carnivorous plants, I have a greenhouse-full – but no cats!)

        1. Red Sky*

          I’m very impressed you have a greenhouse full of carnivorous plants! I wish botanical gardens would do something like this.

    3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Believe it or not, but mint makes a great houseplant! I was surprised to learn that it doesn’t just thrive in full sun, and besides being a really pretty (I think) hanging plant, it smell nice (not too strong as I have scent ‘issues’, haha!), it grows fast and you’ll always have mint for your ice tea, lemonade or adult beverages! :-D

    4. CSmithy*

      Money trees are super non-fussy and cat-friendly! I also have a peperomia magnoliifolia that does well in medium light and is also cat safe and very cute.

      I failed miserably both times I had a parlor palm — they were too tempting for the cats and they got eaten down and died both times.

    5. Reba*

      I’ve got a parlor palm (“bamboo” variety), it’s lovely. Or what about a cast iron plant, Aspidistra? No direct light, supposed to be easy going.

    6. AceInPlainSight*

      I have wheat grass- it’s not particularly pretty, but it looks nice enough, is low care, and the little purr goblin loves it!

      1. Red Sky*

        I do too…well, oat grass. It’s just for the foster cats and I find that, given the choice, they prefer to chew on that rather than the houseplants. I ordered a lb of organic oat seeds and start a fresh pot for them about every week or so.

    7. JobHunter*

      I keep some of my plants on old birdcages and aquariums to protect them from my cats. You can get lights and stands for them easily. I don’t think I have spent more than $10 on any of the setups I found at tag sales or auctions.

    9. Helvetica*

      Thank you all! In the end, dependent on the choices at my local plant shop, I got a fittonia/nerve plant! It’s cute, non-toxic and okay with my light conditions.
      The parlor palm is something I’ll keep an eye out for the future, as well as the other recommendations on this thread.

    10. Artemesia*

      I got a money plant that was about 3 feet high with a braided trunk because my husband wanted some greenery — the thing has put out about 20 new leaves in a month and looks great. My indoor lemon trees are fighting spider mites but the money plant has not had any bug problems and looks fabulous.

  14. LadyRegister*

    Any New Hampshire folks here? My husband and I are hoping to move closer to family next year. I’m originally from NY so winter will be a familiar (and welcome) friend after a few years in NC. Looking at the Seacoast area. We adore Portsmouth but it’s just not in our budget. For $500K-$600K, we’re hoping to find a town that’s driveable (<1.5 hours without traffic) to Boston, *great* schools, more on the progressive side (we’re in a hyper conservative area now and constantly feel like outsiders), and family friendly with lots of parks/trails. We have one young son and one dog (is NH dog friendly?). Exeter seems the closest to what we’re looking for, with the bonus of an Amtrak station right in town! Any advice on the area or things you wish you’d known before moving? Ex. Try to find a house with a natural gas hookup.

    1. Pharmgirl*

      I’m from the Boston area but lived in Manchester for a few years, mostly working in Concord. Both are among I93 whereas it looks like you’re looking along I95. I’ve had to work in the Portsmouth area a lot as well and the 101 connecting those two is LONG. Not sure where your jobs will be but just something to keep in mind regarding commute.

      I liked living in NH, but didn’t own.

      1. LadyRegister*

        Yes! I should’ve clarified that I work remotely so as long I have good internet (which rules out more towns than I expected in NH!) I can work from anywhere.

    2. GoryDetails*

      I was thinking of Exeter when I read your description of “wants” – haven’t lived there myself, though I’ve visited a number of times. There are loads of towns in southeastern NH that are within an hour’s drive of Boston – and (one thing I really love about the area) also within an hour of the seacoast, and even the Maine border. Haven’t checked on property values in ages as I’m happy where I am, but I suspect that some of the towns that are off the main highways would have lower real estate costs – Atkinson, Hampstead, places like that? Good luck with your search!

      Oh, re dogs: I’m a cat person so I don’t use dog-parks myself but there do seem to be a lot of them, and most of the many, many parks-with-hiking-trails are dog-friendly.

    3. Former NH Anon*

      I grew up in the New Hampshire seacoast area, but now live in Boston. Parents are still there and sibling right over the border in Maine. It’s a great place to grow up! If you want to be in the Portsmouth area (but I agree, prices are really high) I would look at smaller towns like Durham, Lee, Madbury, etc. which all feed into Oyster River High School which was top notch when I was growing up and very influenced by the University of New Hampshire. A lot of small towns don’t have their own high schools and go to regional high schools (or you can pay to go to good high schools in other towns) so that’s worth thinking about. There are parts of the area that feel very progressive (Exeter is probably one), but also the state is very white, even in the places that feel progressive. I think I turned out okay – and became very progressive after growing up there, but going to to college and spending some time in the south really showed me how white and non-diverse NH was. As for dogs and trails, enthusiastic yes to both. I go up there all the time to escape the city and the very cool part is that you are within close distance to the mountains and the ocean, lots of wonderful things to do!

      1. Blackcat*

        Yeah, I’m in the Boston area, and one of the things that prevents us from moving to somewhere that 600k buys more than a shoebox is how white things get once you leave the inner Boston suburbs. It’s important for me to raise the small human in a place with diversity. In New England, that means sticking to just a few cities.

      2. LadyRegister*

        I come from a diverse family and both my husband and I have both lived abroad so it’s a fair point about diversity. We’re hoping that by being closer to family and having extra funds for travel/experiences that we can try to invest in our son being well rounded. Thank you for your thoughtful insights!

    4. NH Native*

      Hi! I grew up in Exeter, and my parents lived there for many years after. It was a great place to grow up. It’s a fairly progressive and academic area of the state. Between being close to UNH and being the home of Phillips Exeter Academy, there is a lot of thought diversity and the area schools are quite good.

      It, and the surrounding towns all feed into the same middle/high school. Very dog and pet friendly. There are definitely propane heat/septic tank/well homes in the area, but most places will have natural gas pipes and sewer hookups. Maybe not AC though. There’s also a range of oldness. The town was settled in the 1600’s.

      That’s the good stuff. The not-so-great. It is not racially/ethnically diverse. I’m white and grew up in a very white community. I live in the SF Bay Area now and really appreciate the differences here. I’ve been told it can feel insular – there are families that have been in the town for many generations. Same in the surrounding towns.

      That was a book. I could probably write more…

      1. LadyRegister*

        This is so helpful!!! My husband just asked – are there any cultural quirks/unspoken rules/faux pas we should be mindful of coming in as outsiders? Does the town see many transplants or would we stick out like a sore thumb? Trying to figure out the best way to plug into the community once we move.

        1. Synonymous*

          My aunt and uncle live in a small town in CT, so not exactly the same. However, they are still considered the “newbies,” after living there at least a good thirty years. So, there’s that.

        2. Another NH native*

          I didn’t grow up on the seacoast (I’m from the Upper Valley) but my dad grew up very close to Exeter in one of the less upscale towns. The farther south you go in NH, the more transplants you’ll find and I very much doubt you would stick out. Some people are annoyed and feel like Massachusetts sends us all their Democrats and some feel like Mass is sending all their Republicans and other people are annoyed at the big out-of-state libertarian contingent that wanted to take over. Since you’re coming from NC, not MA, you will probably find the occasional griping easier to ignore since everyone likes to hate on MA :)

          Some things that can annoy NH natives:
          – Saying stuff like “I miss ‘real’ malls/cities/bars.” Basically, don’t be condescending about what things are like here. NH is a package deal!
          – Not acknowledging neighbors. Conversation is not necessary, but if you’re out and about in your neighborhood, nod/smile to people you see.
          – Don’t say Manchvegas or use other derogatory names for NH towns. That is a special privilege for those towns’ residents. :) Also there’s a weird stereotype that New Hampshirites hate “flatlanders” but I have literally never heard a New Hampshire person actually use that word, let alone say that. However, feel free to say that MA people are terrible drivers.
          -A lot of people don’t even know their state’s motto, but Live Free or Die is very accurate. My mother still holds a grudge against our neighbor who called her to report that she witnessed my teen brother biking without his bike lights on. I actually don’t think NH people are as unfriendly as they are cracked up to be, but there is a strong MYOB sentiment.

          Really though, there is a lot of NH pride in our state, so if you move here and express that you are happy to be here, you shouldn’t have any problems. Mainly, it’s annoying when people move to a cold, generally rural state like NH and then complain that it is cold and rural :)

        3. NH Native*

          I think that there are a fair number of transplants, esp those with young families. And as someone says below – just don’t move then complain about the weather. :) also, knowing how to drive in snow and shovel are a necessity.

          I have no clue about the housing market – living in the Bay Area has completely messed up my ability to understand salaries v housing cost.

          Couple random thoughts – ask about water tables, foundations, sumpumps and furnaces.

          There are several lot cemeteries very close to houses/businesses. And some of the old houses have their own family plot. (No idea if it would be a problem for you, but it is a big negative in some cultures.)

          1. NH Native*

            I just remembered – since my parents were born in other New England states, I may not be a NH native. No idea where I heard this as a kid – but – “just because a cat has her kittens in an oven doesn’t make them muffins”. Lol.

    5. not a native new englander*

      how set are you on the seacost? i live in hollis NH and think it would fit a lot of your buckets. very good schools (or so i hear, my wee one isn’t old enough yet), 15-20 min to nashua which is where you will find your target, TJs etc, but it feels like living in nature. tons of trails, active community. and i would say pretty evenly split btw conservative and progressive …maybe slightly more progressive? either way i don’t think you would feel like an outsider. On the other hand, as many folks have already noted, its definitely not diverse which can be really hard if you are used to that (moved to NE from DC area about 4 years ago). That said, this pretty much applies to most of new england so not really a problem with hollis specifically. You are also right on the border with MA so only an hour to boston and only an hour to seacost. You can get a big house with a big yard surrounded by trees in the price range you are talking about. Lots of people also like the nearby towns of Milford or Amherst which i think are a little less rural feeling but a little farther north or west. We also looked at exeter and it was too pricey for us for less size/space and was a little bit more of a commute to boston/nashua for jobs which was a factor for us. As for internet, i have heard some people complain but we have high speed internet with no issues, seems like it might vary by neighborhood. hope this helps!

    6. KR*

      Exeter is great. Kind of expensive. If you look on the school’s page, a couple different towns are in Exeter’s school system so you can live outside the town itself. There is a great technical high school that Exeter, Epping, Sanborn, Raymond, and Winnacunnet (Seabrook area) can attend. It’s all very close to the beach. Newmarket schools are not good. The school itself is in disrepair. The whole area is great to live in but can be expensive. Keep in mind you will have to deal with snow removal, so look at your driveway when you buy. Route 16 and the Portsmouth Traffic Circle can be congested at times, as can the 93/101 split in Manchester/Hooksett.

  15. Blackrail*

    It’s a week or two until I say goodbye to my childhood home forever (parents both passed and the house sale is about to close). Although I’ve lived elsewhere for years it’s still where I call ‘home’. Any tips to make it less difficult? I am feeling all the feelings at the moment and am a bit of a wreck about it.

    1. LadyRegister*

      This is so so hard!

      I’ve found that part of the grief is that there *isn’t* an established ritual for processing this change. There isn’t a community outpouring of support or a set structure to follow. We have so many customs for when things are shiny and new (Weddings! Housewarmings! Baby showers!) and a sort of deafening silence on the other end. Divorce. Foreclosure. Miscarriage. The events are equally, if not more, emotionally significant but we just don’t have the social tools to address them.

      When my parents sold my childhood home, the process took almost two years. I was able to visit many times, help empty the attic and pack boxes, and I could see that it was time for them to move on from the home where they had raised a very large family. And even with TWO years notice there were a lot of feelings.

      Please be gentle with yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that it’s “just a house” or that “now others will be able to make memories there”. I find journaling helpful but of course YMMV. Writing down your happy memories from home and some of the things you will miss. As you write, you may remember some of the flaws as well. Like that time we had to dig up our septic tank. You may laugh. You’ll probably cry. But a bit like after a breakup, you’ll start to get more emotional distance from the initial hurt and begin knitting together your new reality. Depending on where you live now (ie not a small city apartment) hopefully you’ve even been able to keep some furniture or art or even kitchen supplies from home that will remind you of childhood. I have some of my mom’s pots and pans and they bring me real joy when I cook with them.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can lean on your loved ones for some support and extra kindness at this time.

    2. Morning reader*

      If you like ritual you could probably come up with something from your tradition. In the same situation, I took many of the things within the house home (clocks, art, mirrors, knickknacks) so I have Some of them deployed in my home now. I have a railing from the front porch and I took some tulip bulbs from the yard. I visited the back yard pet cemetery one last time and took pictures of the resting place of Thumbs, Kitty Girl, and various gerbils. Then I cyber stalked the real estate listing to see what the flipper who bought it was doing to upgrade (omg the kitchen! All those changes I fantasized about for years but could never do!) and actually my BIL went to the open house and took pictures. I miss it but I hadn’t lived there myself in 40+ years and I don’t miss having to go back there for every holiday. Think fondly of the memories and try to develop appreciation for no longer having the burden of the house.

    3. Getting There*

      When my siblings and I were selling our childhood home, on our last day there before closing, we invited all our aunts, uncles, cousins etc over for an informal get-together. It was nice to have everyone together there one last time. It was a lovely last memory of the house.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I actually found Marie Kondo’s book to be really helpful about things like selling my mother’s house, or beloved objects that have been lost in the mists of time. Her distinction between the object itself as opposed to your own feelings/memories/etc. that the object represents was hugely important to me.

      1. voyager1*

        Do not visit the house or look it up on websites like Trulia. If the house is put up for sale again and it is remodeled, you may find it hard to see. My old childhood home was remodeled and had some exterior work done, it was painful to see since all the character of the house was gone.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      It was heart-wrenching for me, too. Take pictures more methodically than I did — I took pictures of all the things that were going to other family members, but I wish I’d taken pictures of the views themselves. The corner where I worked puzzles. The view from the stairway landing where I read as a child. The crazy space between the garage and the back hedge where I hid and watched bugs. I did take the slates from back there — they were just salvage laid down to keep out weeds, and they’re now serving the same purpose at my house.
      If you’re a gardener, think through the year and take at least one shoot from one perennial to replant at your place. This is a good time of year to dig up and transplant daffodil bulbs if you can figure out where they are. Or go on a mission to find the same kind of plant to put one of them where you live. For me it’s dogwoods and pansies and daffodils.

    6. Tex*

      Can you hire a photographer to take some moody, artistic photos of it? Maybe take a cutting or two of the plants?

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Definitely take some pictures! My parents moved out of our childhood home a few years ago and I took a bunch of pictures. I have not done it yet but I plan to try and make some pen and ink drawings of it as a fun art project soon.

    8. Another beautiful day*

      It helped me to save something tangible and then integrate it into my current life. I’ve saved a jar of sand from the family camp, a flag stone from my grandparents’ walkway, replanted saplings and roses from my parents’ house.

    9. Blue Eagle*

      I’ve done the same thing and the only thing that keeps me from getting sad is that I never go by the house. It has been 7 years since it sold and I refuse to go down that street.
      Oh, one other thing is that I transplanted a bunch of Mom’s flowers into my yard so whenever they are in bloom it reminds me of how loved I was by my parents. So, maybe that is another thing that made letting go of the house easier.

    10. Marie*

      A family member of mine recently moved away from her house where she’d lived for almost 30 years. She was really emotional about it, so via Etsy I found someone who made a watercolor of the house based on a photo (the Etsy shop is FineArtbyTina). It turned out absolutely gorgeous, and she hung it up in her new home and it really helped her move on. Might be a nice way to treat yourself!

    12. Lucia*

      A bit late to this, but when my parents sold the house they’d lived in for 50 years (and in which they’d raised 9 kids), my aunt gave us a way to think about it that helped with the sense of loss: the house had done its job for our family, and now it was time for it to do the same for a new one.

  16. Nameless Shark*

    TRIGGER WARNING Mentions sexual assault.

    My sister recently told me she was raped about 10 years ago when she was in her teens. She told me she has dealt with it and is okay now. She doesn’t seem to want me to do or say anything in particular because for her it is something she has already moved on from.

    While this happened a long time ago it is a bombshell for me. I can’t even begin to describe the devastation I feel for her. I had already moved out of home at that point and never had an inkling she went through something so traumatic.

    I would give anything to change places with her and have this happen to me instead. I spent the past few days blanking out and crying. I don’t want to share my feelings with my sister because she doesn’t need to deal with my trauma.

    I wonder if anyone else has gone through this – having someone you love experience sexual violence – and how you coped and how you’ve moved past your own part of grief and anger and heartache.

    I’m going to see a psychologist but it will be another few weeks before I can see one. I would appreciate some advice in the mean time. Thank you.

    1. Squeakrad*

      I’m so sorry to hear this. Can you talk with a sexual ,assault hotline in the,meantime – I am guessing they may get calls like yours.
      Take good care of yourself as well. Do you journal – maybe write your feelings and help express them that way.

      So sorry this has happened.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I wonder if anyone else has gone through this – having someone you love experience sexual violence – and how you coped and how you’ve moved past your own part of grief and anger and heartache.

      Yes, unfortunately. I’ve had several friends confide in me that they were raped. It’s very distressing, as you well know. In theory, you know all the statistics and know the likelihood it has happened to tons of people you know is high, but when someone close to you actually tells you about it, it’s devastating in a whole new way.

    3. c-*

      Yeah. I focus on the fact that they survived and make sure to validate them if they ask for my opinion. If you want to, you can thank her for trusting you and hug her or express your sympathy/condolences, that tends to be well-received.

      My fear and anger and helplessness I take to my therapist or to angry rock music or to a recipe that needs a lot of chopping, depending on mood and availability.

      You can also talk it out with a friend, without naming names, or with a friend who doesn’t know your sister and is not ever going to meet her, if you must disclose who it is when asking for support for you.

      Well done on not asking her to soothe you! Comfort in, dump out, as the circles of comfort theory goes. I’m so sorry you all are going through this, and so glad she survived. She is ok, and in time you will be, too.

    4. Emma*

      I’m really sorry. While it’s not quite the same, I recently found out that my little cousin and goddaughter, who is now 20, was raped at 16. She called me to ask me for advice about the upcoming trial (I’m a lawyer, she had a lawyer of her own but wanted my advice on whether or not to take a settlement). I was completely in shock and it was really hard to give advice and coolly ask the relevant questions instead of hanging up the phone and crying and shaking with rage. Your trauma is legitimate. If your sister does not want to talk about it, I would respect that but talk it through with a therapist. Your childhoods were intertwined so it’s absolutely normal that this affects you too. But please don’t wish to change places – while I absolutely understand it’s coming from a good place, neither of you should have to go through that.

    5. Yes*

      This happened to my adult step-daughter last year. It’s so awful to have someone you love be hurt. I tried to be supportive and caring for her and my husband/her father while I tried to deal with my own feelings privately. It was very difficult, as you may imagine. I feel her feelings are more important than mine. I didn’t feel I could talk to any of my friends about it as rape is such a huge fear for women and I didn’t want to upset them. I did finally confide in a friend and that helped me. I’m glad you are going to talk to someone- this experience is a lot to process for anyone. I’m so sorry that this happens to anyone.

  17. Moggins*

    Does anyone have thoughts for good mother/father of the groom and father of the bride presents?

    We’re getting married at the end of the month (hurray!) after being delayed due to Covid. Our parents have been amazing taking on much more work to make it happen!

    We want to avoid anything cheesy or chintzy – no quotes about how they’ve raised the perfect child and that we’re honoured to join each other’s families!

    Thank you!

    Any thoughts?

    1. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      We got married in a city none of our parents lived in, so we gave them a hardback copy of a book about the city with lots of glossy photos, including of our (famous) venue.

      Your culture may be different but in mine the parents’ presents are a token, so flowers/cufflinks etc would be standard.

    2. LadyRegister*

      You can often get a bottle of whiskey or bourbon or wine engraved with a personal message. Very common in the military and I’ve seen some absolutely lovely notes. That’s actually the part I would emphasize. The personal message is what will be cherished more than anything else. Your joy, your gratitude, and your excitement for the next adventure ahead.

    3. 00ff00Claire*

      We gave each set of parents a framed picture of us from our engagement photos. We settled on that because it was both a reminder of the wedding and also something we thought would be useful in a sense. Of course it wouldn’t have to be an engagement photo – any decent photo of you and your new partner would work.

    4. Jen Erik*

      My husband gave my mum an engraved fish slice on the day, during his speech – genuinely can’t remember why, or what it said – I think we’d just found out engravers would engrave anything, and were living our best lives.
      More sensibly, our daughter made up her own wedding album from the photos, so made an additional album for each set of parents, and sent it with a very heartfelt and appreciative letter.
      We obviously got that some time after the wedding, so it wouldn’t work if you want to give them something on the day, but it was a lovely surprise when it arrived.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Lol Jen Erik! I’m in the US (and vegan) so fish slice read to me as . . . he gave her a slice of fish!
        I’ve lived in the UK so i pulled fish slice, a fish slicer, a tool for serving fish, out of the dim recesses of my memory.

        2. Jean (just Jean)*

          Lol #2! Also with a family with British background. I remember being amazed by the specialized cutlery owned by older relatives. Fish forks! Fish knives! Quite the culture shock for an American child used to the all-purpose knife and fork.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Can testify to specialized cutlery owned by older relatives in the US too. My great-aunt once chastised my husband for eating his mini-wheats with the wrong spoon. He had just made her breakfast … he was not amused.

    5. Leap Day Highway*

      We gave my parents a gift certificate to the nice hotel in my hometown (where they live and where our wedding was) so they could have a little getaway.

      1. Ellie*

        We also gave a gift card to one set of parents to a hotel (they haven’t used it…and it’s been 5 years. But I’m not salty…) and the other a gift card to a nice restaurant here in Portland. I especially liked the last one because my parents chose to use the gift card with us, so having a nice dinner together after the wedding madness settled down was especially nice!

    6. island ecologist*

      Congrats on your upcoming wedding! How fun!

      We gave the moms different pieces of jewelry and the dads ties – so nothing too unusual, but spent time picking out really beautiful, high-quality ones that we knew they’d each love – and pricier than they’d ever buy themselves, we wanted to splurge a little. I also wrote my parents a long letter about all of my thoughts and all of my gratitude at this auspicious moment.

    7. ..Kat..*

      The bride and groom are supposed to give wedding presents to their parents? Just another thing my husband and I didn’t do (and didn’t know people were supposed to). How can anyone afford to get married with all these things people must buy and do?

      1. Zooey*

        Like all things wedding it’s not compulsory and depends on your traditions. In our case we did give gifts (various nice bits of glassware /crockery) but our parents had given us very generous financial support so it was a recognition that that’s how we were able to pay for our wedding!

  18. MistOrMister*

    I have a fern (I forget the name of it) that my cats mostly ignore, but gnaw on once in a while when they can’t get outside. It doesn’t require much care. This year I got some liriope, which they love to chew on. It just looks like big grass mostly, but now it’s flowering with these cute little beaded things. Only caveat is if your cats are gnawers like mine, lirope will likely start looking raggedy. But the cats are happy!! I also have a corn plant that is toxic to cats, but is one plant my cats have never tried to eat, for some reason. I believe spider plant is supposed to be non toxic for cats, but I wasn’t able to find any in the store. The google tells me,something called a Mosaic Plant is also safe for cats and has low light requirements.

    2. Esmeralda*

      Liriope: just be careful it doesn’t get outside in your lawn or beds. It is invasive, happy in both wet and drought conditions, thrives in sun and shade, and almost impossible to kill off or pull out.

      It’s sold as a ground cover around here. Works great for that and looks pretty nice, unless you don’t want it.

      Re cats: clip off the flowering stems once the flowers are blown, otherwise they will go to seed and the seeds fall off pretty easily.

  19. MistOrMister*

    Preference on knitting versus crocheting? I do both, but I find I don’t enjoy crochet as much and can’t manage to do it really well. My hands get tired with crochet and big pieces are a pain for me to work on. Plus, I cannot do a granny square to save my life, which is just enbarrassing!!! Granny squares are supposed to be so easy but for some reason anything beyond super simle crochet patterns are beyond me and my brain can’t figure out what to do. Now, knitting I can do all day without hand pain and a big piece makes me happy as long as it wont try to fall off the needles. Also, I am not always sure I am working in the correct stitch when crocheting, but don’t have that problem when knitting. Am I in the 3rd SC or the 4th?…be danged if I know, I can’t tell! Haha.

    Note: I’m not bashing crochet and don’t intend this to be a “this is better than that” post.

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      I do both, and find crocheting easier, but that’s probably because I learned crochet as a child and knitting last year. I suppose after decades of practice I was bound to get the hang of it! I don’t like to make granny squares at all as I prefer to just do straight rows of the same stitch. I really love the feeling of the hand movement in knitting and find the clicking sound of metal needles soothing so I haven’t given up on it, but in the last year I’ve completed about a dozen crochet projects and my first knitted scarf is still in progress!

    2. BonzaSonza*

      I love knitting. I just finished the Geo Lace sweater by Jenise Hope as a gift for my sister, it was five months of knitting a tunic in sock yarn!

      I prefer knitting as I can knit basic stocking or garter such without looking at the needles and I like to keep my hands busy while watching TV or settling my little one to sleep. I am able to crochet, but it never really clicked with me the way knitting did.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I do both – learned to crochet at 5 and to knit at 20 – and base my preference mostly on the project. But I do a lot of fairly intricate stuff – lace, cables, colorwork- that works way better in knitting. My goal for this weekend is to finish a double knitted colorwork scarf I’ve been working on sporadically since February 2017.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      If it helps, I also find knitting easier though I like the appearance of crochet better – I mean, if i watch a video of them, I am mezmerized by crochet and sooo want to do it but I find the actual process of crocheting confusing and frustrating. But I can decipher knitting patterns and have even taught myself to knit the way they do in England which is backwards to the way I was taught as a child. Every once in a while I try crochet again but still find it less rewarding than I expect and it makes me sad.

    5. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I’m the opposite: I just can’t wrap my head around knitting! I keep dropping stitches or the needles shift or things like that. I suppose I take after my father in that regard (although he can’t wrap his head around crochet either despite having learned both in school).
      As for the hand hurting when you crochet: do you hold your hook like a knife or like a pen? If I recall correctly the knife grip is supposed to be better for you.

    6. HannahS*

      I find crochet easier and more enjoyable, but I prefer the outcome of knitting, because knitting gets a relatively softer and more fluid product–so I prefer it for sweaters and hats, but I’ve crocheted apt of cozy blankets. Knitting is a bit more unwieldy, since you carry the whole item on the needles–I find it harder to see what I’m doing, and harder to fix mistakes.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I do almost all my knitting on circular needles for this reason. The weight isn’t on my arms after about the first 6 inches of blanket.

    7. another Hero*

      I like knitting better, but I suspect it’s because I can do it better. I have more muscle memory to be able to do it while attending to other things, better intuitive understanding of patterns (such as ability to look at something and see how it was made, sense when I’m working of whether the thing I’m doing is right, capacity to combine and adjust designs, etc), knowledge of how to fix my mistakes……….whereas I’m quite a basic crocheter. there’s a lot of stuff crochet can accomplish more elegantly than knitting, and if I spent more time doing it, I might appreciate that more. my mom finds crocheting easier; just a personal thing.

    8. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      Crochet, by a mile – I could never get the hang of knitting tension so everything was super tight.

      I crochet mainly for a charity in the UK which provides hand knit blankets for those who need extra love (eg children in hospital or foster care, seniors with dementia, refugees, women being treated for cancer) so my work needs to be quick, consistent and sturdy. I tend to work in the round though occasionally I like a (ch3 3dc sl) c2c. I also join collaborative blankets and it is *much* easier to join work in the round than back and forth.

      I’ve offered a good friend a blanket to celebrate her home renovation (just starting). I’m excited about choosing colours and patterns with her. I’m not going to tell her what it would cost on Etsy…

    9. AGD*

      I am an advanced-level knitter, but crochet consistently baffles me. I’ve made a few attempts, and someday may be able to get over the learning curve, but clearly I found knitting much more intuitive. One of my siblings is exactly the opposite.

    10. Lost in the Woods*

      I have tried to learn to crochet a bunch of times, and it has never ever clicked. I think there are a few reasons. I’m left handed, and knitting (at least the way I do it) is a two-handed activity, whereas crochet is pretty one-handed. I am not dexterous enough with my right hand to manipulate a crochet hook. I have trouble learning the basics from videos and tutorials, and I’ve never met a lefty crocheter IRL who could teach me. I also just intrinsically got how knitting worked (loops inside loops) fairly easily; everything in knitting is fundamentally a variation on one stitch in grid motifs. This makes sense to my brain. I have really hard time envisioning what’s going on in crochet.

    11. Snark no more!*

      Have you ever tried crocheting with an afghan stitch? There are a lot of variations, but the basic stitch provides a dense “single-crochet-type stitch with a bit more elegance. I even found a crochet hook that has a tube on the end for when you want to make a wider piece.

    12. Anonymous Educator*

      Even though I know crocheting goes more quickly, I found it difficult to pick up, and knitting felt more right to me. Something about having two needles? I don’t know.

    13. Dancing Otter*

      I CAN crochet, after a fashion, but I mostly just use it in conjunction with knitting: a crocheted cast-on or edging, for example. I made a couple of crocheted afghans when I was in my 20s.
      I get frustrated because I want to be able to crochet in the round or do color-work, and it never comes out right. These are techniques I’ve mastered in knitting, so….
      Some of the designs for amigurumi are adorable, but I know my limits.
      Now you’ve got me thinking about another ripple afghan, though. There’s a knitted version, properly called “feather and fan”, but the crochet version is just better.

    14. RagingADHD*

      I like the processes of crochet and knit equally well, but I’ve developed a preference for the look of knitted things over crochet. Crochet is always going to be knobblier or lacier. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course, but my taste lately has been for smoother, solid fabrics.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Here’s a cross-over with the “reading recommendations”: Debbie Macomber’s “Blossom Street” series starts with a woman who starts a yarn shop and starts offering knitting lessons. Several books in, the knit-vs-crochet divide shows up as a plot point.
      The books are written to be read in order, but if you want to jump to it, it’s [SSC goes off to check the internet] Book Six: Summer on Blossom Street.
      That’s the book that made me pick up crochet after a lifetime of failing to get the hang of knitting. And my mother said “Oh, my mother liked crochet not knitting!” Well there you go, I’ve got something in common with Nana.
      Once I got comfortable with one craft, the other came a little more easily. I’m not good at either, but I’m getting a little more even. (In fact, I’m spinning off a swatch question waaaay down at the bottom of today’s post!)

  20. BonzaSonza*

    I had to say goodbye to my dog yesterday, and it was so hard. He was just short of his 12th birthday, which is pretty good innings for a dalmatian. His name was Jasper.

    He was the best dog for our family. He was our baby, then took the addition of three actual babies in his stride. He tolerated them climbing all over him, cleaned up under their high chairs and loved playing hide-and-seek.

    But he was always my shadow. Always at my side: laying on my feet under my work desk, sleeping beside my beside, and even squeezing his way into the bathroom if given half the chance. He was patient, loving, affectionate, slightly neurotic, so very handsome, and just an all-round good boy.

    I went grocery shopping today, thinking it would be good to get out of the house, and I saw black and white polka dots everywhere. Disney’s 101 Dalmatians was for sale in aisle 8. There was a funny father’s day card with dalmatians on it. I started crying again in the dog food aisle.

    So I was hoping people might like to share funny or heart-warming anecdotes about their beloved pets? I’d love to hear them, and celebrate how good pets are (even when it’s heartbreaking to say goodbye)

    1. Jaid*

      My Bella…I had to let her go recently, so I feel for you.

      She loved cream cheese and beg for a dollop by winding around my legs when I was prepping her meals. She knew when it was time for me to go to bed and meow. And when I cradled her like a baby and pet her head, she would gently hold onto my arm. She also enjoyed being put in a box and carried around on my head – super tall and she could look down at everything!

      Ah, so quiet now.

    2. Hotdog not dog*

      I’m so sorry for your loss! We have an adopted Husky who is absolutely the light of our lives. He is in fact responsible for my getting out of bed at 5:30 am on a Saturday. He howled to go outside (he’s an old man dog, so sometimes he can’t wait) but then the second I got out of bed to take him out he leapt into my warm spot and fell sound asleep. He’s still there, and here I am!

      1. Lena Clare*

        Ah that’s really funny, and so cute :)

        OP, my condolences. Pets are beautiful and heartbreaking.

    3. Lena Clare*

      My kitties were feral when I got them at 5 wks old. The girl would meow at me when her younger brother would start to toilet outside the litter box so I’d know to pick him up and put him in before he had an accident.
      She’d also sleep in front of him in the box they had, to protect him as he was weaker and iller than her.

      They’re old now, but still realky funny in their personalities.
      He is more adventurous, but hates the rain. He’ll come in and meow at me VOCIFEROUSLY when it’s raining as if I can do something about it.
      She’ll go out to sunbathe when it’s hot, except she has white ears and every time I put lotion on she’ll run back inside so i hate to spoil her fun.
      She’s a bit like a meercat, she’ll stand on her hind legs and meow for pets.

      They’re gorgeous and cuddly and I love them. I can’t imagine life without them. My heart breaks for you OP.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Aw, I’m so sorry.

      We were just talking last night about the last few months we had my husband’s old man cat, the Sir, which overlapped with the first few months after we brought home my younger dog, the Junior Ambassador, as an 8 week puppy. Her first morning in the house, he came up to us where I was sitting on the floor with her in my lap and inspected her from ears to tail, then mewed once and patted her gently on the shoulder with one of his paws three times before he wandered away. In my head, that was “ok, I suppose you can stay.”

      My Elder Statesdog (who is going on 13 now) really likes cats. At one point I heard a weird thumping noise and looked up to see that she had cornered the one eyed pirate cat and was basically bonking the cat over the head with her front paw, looking for all the world like she was trying to pet the cat (who just looked very confused, but wasn’t trying to leave or anything).

      Junior Ambassador is a little tricksy – if the Elder Statesdog has a bone or toy that she wants, she’ll run to the back door and bark bark like there’s something huge going on outside. When Elder Statesdog comes to see, Junior Ambassador will run back and grab the bone. She tries it on people with food too and gets visibly pouty when it doesn’t work.

      Both dogs have trained my husband that when they come in from outside they get baby carrots. So this leads to, once he gets home from work, them asking him to let them out, then like thirty seconds later they come back in, run straight to the fridge, and sit pretty (in a queue no less), repeated like every ten minutes for the next three hours. (They do not do this with me or when he’s not home. :-P they also don’t get carrots *every* time when they do this. That wouldn’t be super healthy and that would be a TOOOOON of baby carrots in my grocery budget. :-P )

      Also, I adopted Elder Statesdog from a friend when she was four because he was moving overseas in a last ditch attempt to save his failing marriage. It did not work and friend came back. I told him he couldn’t have my dog back, but he could crash for a month or two while he sorted himself out and finalized his divorce. He never left and we got married in 2017. We joke that he married me for my dog. :)

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      I am so sorry! It is very hard and he sounds like a wonderful boi!

      Our family dog (husband and I and son when he was home) is the first dog for my husband. He went from very uncertain about dogs (raised in a country where they were not really pets) to carrying our 20 pound pupper like a baby belly to belly. Honestly, it does not look that comfy for the dog and he does not let anyonr else hold him that way but its their thing.

    6. beancat*

      I’m so sorry. Sending you and yours all the warmth during this time.

      For heartwarming…this week, I discovered that my “stimky boy” rescue (he doesn’t actually stink, he’s just a stinker) who didn’t like being picked up now follows me in the mornings and cries until I pick him up. Then he purrs and lets me rock him and it means so much to me that he wants it!

    7. sswj*

      Oh BonzaSonza, I am so sorry. I know that pain well, I surround myself with animals and their lives are just so short. It utterly sucks too that the best thing we can do for them hurts like hell :( My family is ever-changing, and it’s wonderful but heartbreaking too. I truly feel for you, and I totally get the crying in the pet food aisle …

      I had a Dal too, years ago now. She was a liver spotted girl with blue eyes, and she was deaf from birth. A friend at the time worked at a vet school’s clinic, and she came to the barn where I taught and kept my horse bringing a cute Dalmatian boy puppy, saying that he’d been surrendered for euthanasia because he was deaf. She was fostering him and looking for a home for him. I said he was adorable, and what an interesting challenge for training (I do obedience trials with my dogs) but that I got along better with females. My friend appeared at my door the next day with another puppy, and said “Rico has a sister!” LOL! Well of course I was smitten, and that was that.

      Tess was a great dog, and a fun challenge to train. She was actually pretty easy because she kept her eyes on me always, and because I had a Lab that I was doing obedience work with. Tess would follow Breeze everywhere, and when I used a hand signal for ‘come’ they both would gallop towards me. She was quick to learn, and oh so sweet always. Deaf dogs had a bad rap then for being testy and snappish. Not true at all, at least for Tess, she loved everyone, but I was definitely her person.

      She was the noisiest dog I’ve ever had though. She barked at everything, and if I wasn’t in her line of sight there was no way for me to tell her to hush. She barked if anything startled her, or looked interesting, or there was movement out of the corner of her eye. Turn a light on, she barked. Cats run by playing, she barked. Drop something on the floor heavy enough for her to feel it, and she’d bark. She had no idea mostly what she was barking about, but she just couldn’t help herself!

      My favorite memory of her though is in the car. She’d always stand behind the driver’s seat and rest her chin on the driver’s shoulder while watching the world go by. She liked my husband’s shoulder better (height & width?) but she’d do it to me too. I spent a lot of years trying to get short spiky Dal hair out of the right shoulder of jackets, and out of the headrest in the car!

      It is an honor to be loved by an animal, and that thought has gotten me through some very tough losses. I’m glad Jasper had you to love.

      1. sswj*

        Oh, and one more funny thing!

        I can’t tell you how many times people would watch me call her to me from a distance with a hand signal, Tess come to me at a run, and then sit with a hand signal, and then say “Wow, she does really well for being blind!” LOL! I guess because her blue eyes were so striking and you can’t see deafness they just picked the difference they could see? Too funny though …

    8. Sleepy time*

      When my dog was a puppy, she loved to chew on shoes and socks. We learned to put our shoes in the closets and she stopped bothering with Socks. But now when she wants attention, she will come running into the room with a sock in her mouth and then spit the sock at me. It is her way of saying “I’m not kidding play with me now”. We call her our little sock monster.

    9. nep*

      So sorry for your loss, BonzaSonza. Sending you love. I hope you’ll let yourself cry and grieve and heal.
      Peace

    10. BonzaSonza*

      Thank you everyone for sharing your stories, I really appreciate it.

      I thought of my own funny anecdote. Jasper loved tricks. He could beg in the most classic pose perfectly, plus the usual sit, shake, roll over, play dead tricks. But his favourite was fetching my slippers: I’d come home and ask him for my slippers, he’d bound down to the bedroom, grab them and come bounding back and drop them for me, and I’d play with him.

      Over time it morphed into him grabbing a shoe and dropping it at the feet of whomever he wanted a pat from. Visitors to our house would be greeted by a loud dog who would turn and run away from them, only to reappear with a random shoe that he’d drop expectantly at their feet. They’d stare bemusedly at the shoe while patting Jasper, who was obviously very proud of himself.

      Getting ready in the mornings was always a scramble to find a matching pair of shoes, any shoes. He never, ever chewed them, he just liked to carry them around with him, just in case.

    11. MistOrMister*

      So sorry for your loss. My childhood german shepard died just shy of 13 and even though logically I knew it was coming, it hurt more than I could ever have imagined. He was so spoiled! He wasn’t allowed on the couch but when my parents weren’t around i let him have couch time, I’d make extra when I was eating so he could have some too, etc.

      My mom’s late dog – she was the laziest thing I’ve ever seen. Even as a puppy. I was walking her through the neighborhood when she was young and supposed to be full of energy and she just flopped over on someone’s yard and refused to move. I had to drag her to the concrete (if you dragged her right to the edge of the grass, she would get up and walk again). Some poor lady comes rushing out asking if we’re ok and I said she’s fine, just LAZY. Ha!

      My current cats – I was flopping around on a mattress noisily to see how they would react. My girl left but the boy stayed. I reached out and petted him and apparently he was totally spooked. Jumped up and over and ended up a few feet away looking confused. I about died laughing while I apologized. Also, one day I was reading and heard weird noise in the other room. I go look and he has jumped up and tangled himself in the blinds with his back feet scrabbling madly for purchase. After I sprinted in and saved him I realized it was hilarious and started laughing. Said blinds are now raised at all time so we have no more mishaps.

    12. Leap Day Highway*

      I’m so sorry about Jasper! He sounds like such a good boy.

      We don’t have any permanent dogs, but we’ve had five different foster dogs since the pandemic started. The first one was an 8-year-old American bulldog named Chester. He had the personality of a sweet, grouchy old man and was more of a roommate than a pet – he did his own thing and even slept in the bed in our spare room, like a person. He snored like a freight train and “talked” like Scooby Doo when he got excited. We absolutely would’ve kept him, except our house has too many stairs for his arthritic legs. He got adopted by a young single guy (whose apartment building has an elevator) and is now living his best life watching TV and eating popcorn on the couch.

    13. theAcademicBeanMovesOn*

      I’m so sorry, we had to let our girl go on monday and it hurts so much.

      my little peanut was 15, she loved coffee and would always try to steal a sip if we had step to away from the mugs. But one time i had made some tea and she jumped on the couch, took a sip and made the most disgusted face. she never tried to steal coffee again .

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      I am so sorry, and my heart goes out to you. My girl was 12, and it seemed too young. She was a wonderful walker, who stepped up the pace to multiple times a day while I was dealing with grief, and seemed to know that I needed to just keep walking while I dealt. She walked more the last 8 months of her life than the previous 3 years. I credit a lot of my initial coping and recovery with her positive, joyful bounce as she gleefully walked and wanted “just a little more” each time. Miss her.

    15. Books and cats*

      I am sorry for your loss. We’ve had 3 Shelties, they all looked like miniature Lassies.
      Candy “learned to spell”. She hated baths and would hide if she heard her name and bath together. So we started spelling bath, after the second time she started hiding! She loved my dad and would get in his car and refuse to get out when he visited. She’d hide behind him at his farm when it was time to go home.
      Scamp was in the pasture on lovely spring day and rolled in fresh cow manure! Now, in the early spring when cows eat fresh, new grass, the result is manure that is tinted green. Yes, his white mane was stained grass green for two weeks! My son and husband went deer hunting and my one job was to keep Scamp home. I took him out the back door, around the side of the house he went and was gone before I made the corner. Half an hour later I get a picture from hubby. There’s Scamp asleep on the floor in front of the heater in the stand. Where he remained the rest of the day.

    16. Not So NewReader*

      When I lost The Dog of My Life, I prayed/wished/threw out to the universe for a dog that would not remind me of my old dog.
      And the universe roared in laughter as it said, “Okay, sure thing.”

      I came home with a husky mix. The first 24 hours were sooo very normal. And that was over for the next two years.

      The dog could open locked doors, he took off his collar and left it on the floor, he opened cupboards and took everything out. He talked non-stop. All his words began with W. He had a knack for saying “Wi Wove Wu” (I love you) or “wuck wu” (I think you can figure that out) at the worst times possible.. such as phone interviews. He picked pockets and he was good at it. He could get candy out of your pocket and you would not even know. He picked up a $20 bill and ate it. He quickly figured out to rummage through my purse and tote bag to find snacks like apples. And every time he came in from outside he would bring me a pebble. My list goes on, I had to sleep with one eye open.

      He’s eleven years old now. I no longer worry about him tearing down my house while I sleep. I did get him some stuff for calming, which slowed down all these stories but every so often I see my precocious pup that I brought home years ago. A few weeks ago we were over at the neighbors. I guess he never noticed welcome mats before because as we were visiting I noticed he was staring at her welcome mat. He took one nail and used it to pick up the corner of the welcome mat to see what was underneath it. We all laughed.
      He has never learned all the proper dog commands. He can’t do “sit” or “stay”. But he will do “Go to the window and let me know when [company] gets here.”

      Just as my old dog showed me things and taught me, this dog has taught me so much and given me so much. They are all so different one to the other.

    17. ThePear8*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, losing a pet is definitely tough. I definitely understand seeing the polka dots everywhere, my first dog was a golden retriever and after he passed I wanted to cry at every single pet product ad because they all seem to be golden retrievers.

      Right now though I have two happy and healthy puppers! Our mini goldendoodle lives with my dad and is the cutest sweetest thing, he especially loves to play tennis and his favorite thing is to go to the tennis courts at the local park and chase tennis balls. After I moved for college we adopted the English Mastiff puppy we’ve been wanting for over a decade and he’s the biggest, mushy-wrinkly-drooly-faced bundle of love we could have asked for. From the couple times our goldendoodle visited, he’s become a tennis dog too!

    18. Ali G*

      My stinker just plopped down next to me! My old man dog currently has heart and kidney issues, but is hanging in there. He’s 13-14 years old and has been with me for almost 12 years. There were times when he may have been the only living thing I interacted with during a weekend.
      Anyway something new he has been doing, which we find hilarious, is that he gets really happy and goofy after he poops. Literally jumping up and down, running around the yard, jumping on and off the couch and zoomies. It’s super silly.
      I’m sorry for your loss. Jasper is always with you.

    19. Pippa K*

      Oh, I’m so sorry about your dog. He sounds wonderful.

      I love your idea of sharing anecdotes – it’s a great reminder that we all sympathise together about the grief of losing one. Here are a couple of mine:

      Had a huge Labrador who was the biggest chow hound ever to walk the Earth. She once ate a bag of pancake mix. And a whole pie. And a bag of Hershey’s kisses (which apparently don’t have enough real chocolate to hurt a big dog, but which did make her poop sparkly). She once dragged a five-pound bag of flour off the kitchen counter and into the living room and ripped it open (the contents were apparently disappointing; she didn’t eat much of it, thankfully). There were flour paw prints all over the house.

      I also had a hound dog who was…somewhat intellectually limited, although sweet. One day I walked into the kitchen to find all 70 pounds of him standing in the middle of the kitchen table. He wasn’t doing anything, just standing there. He had pushed out a chair to climb up. He never did it again – apparently once was enough to satisfy the urge to survey the kitchen from that height.

      Our current 3 are starting to get older, and I know how this story inevitably ends, but we wouldn’t give up life with dogs for the world. My condolences to you.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My cocker spaniel hated Vick’s Vapor Rub. (Mom’s first line of defense for a bad cold.)
      If mom or I opened the jar with her in the room, my pup would creep to it growling, then go into a one-sided skirmish with it, barking and jumping away and coming back growling again. Repeat until we put the lid on. Then she’d prance around like she’d done something heroic.
      She didn’t shun us when WE were wearing it, by the way, like I’d expect if the scent hurt her nose.

    21. Windchime*

      It’s been a few years now, but I had to say goodbye to my old 19 year old cat. I had that cat longer than I was married, so he was the longest relationship I’d ever had. He was so funny and curious. He always wanted to be in the middle of any project and he loved my dad (who is not a cat lover). If Dad came over to do a project, kitty would want to be right in the middle of it. He would explore the tool box or any open drawers.

      He also once stole a cigarette out of my sister’s purse. He loved getting into any kind of purse or bag and exploring the contents. I miss him still sometimes, but enough time has passed that my memories make me smile and the sadness is in the background.

    22. B*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose a beloved pet.
      My Bassett hound, Audrey, was the best bad dog. I had to get a child safety lock for the fridge because she would nose it open and clear out the bottom shelf. She once climbed my desk (floor to chair to main desk to reach top shelf) to retrieve a mixed bag of mini snickers and rolos. She ate all the rolos but couldn’t get through the mini snicker wrappers so she ‘buried’ them all over the house.
      Once we were sitting on the couch and I was eating carrots and pb. She got tired of waiting and started staring over my shoulder at the wall. I turned my head away to look and she ate my carrot.
      If people were over in the evening she would start to sigh and groan at bedtime.

    23. londonedit*

      I am so late posting, but I hope you come back and read these lovely anecdotes again, and I’m so sorry about your dog. My family has only ever had one dog, and he was also a Dalmatian. He died 10 years ago at the grand old age of 14 and a half. Everything you said about your Jasper rang true with me – our dog was just the best. He knew a million different words and phrases, but he’d ignore the heck out of you if you were trying to get him to do something he didn’t want to do. He was kind and patient, he would always do the Dalmatian ‘smile’ and mad tail-wagging when he saw someone he loved, and he had a basket full of toys and would be beside himself wiggling around trying to pick out the perfect one for whoever had just come home. Even after a decade without him, my family all still miss him and we talk about him all the time, remembering the silly things he used to do!

  21. beancat*

    Share something you’re proud of this week!

    I’ve been waiting eagerly all week to share with you all that I finished my manga!! It’s finished and been submitted to the contest! :)

    I’ll share the link in a reply if anyone is interested!

      2. The New Wanderer*

        That’s awesome! I’m going to show my daughter for inspiration (she loves graphic novels and writing stories). She gets frustrated if she doesn’t finish something in a ridiculously short period of time so I can tell her about how much work you put into this and give her an idea of the effort it takes. Thanks for sharing!

        1. beancat*

          This means so much to me to hear! I hope it can inspire her :) there were times that I thought I might not make it, or got frustrated it wasn’t going as quickly as I wanted, but it felt so sweet when I ultimately pulled it off!

    2. Laura H.*

      YAY BEANCAT YAY!!!

      Um… we survived a week without my mom (who went on a solo vacation to see a friend out of state for a week.)

      My dad has some newish conditions and some quirks manifested while mom was away. Staying up later than usual and in bed longer than usual the primary ones. They admittedly annoyed me just a bit…

      But I didn’t bite his head off and the week was pleasant and mom is back in our box and all is good.

      And On a lesser note my plotbunnies are having a population boom!

      1. beancat*

        I’m glad the time without your mom went as smoothly as it could, and good luck with your bountiful plotbunnies! I always loved that term :)

    4. Purt’s Peas*

      Congrats!!!! That is a huge achievement! No matter what happens with the contest, you should feel incredibly proud of taking that idea and ambition through every grueling stage of work to make it a reality. That’s a hell of a thing. Plus I bet the result is awesome :)

      1. beancat*

        Thank you so much!!! Honestly, all along I’ve never known if I would place in the contest and I was perfectly okay with that. This was to see if I could do it, after a lot of my family telling me when I was younger that my art (and particularly Shonen Jump) was a waste of a time.

        I just kept thinking of Kermit’s quote from The Muppet Movie: “I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anybody. …I promised me.” I promised myself I would do it, and I finished :)

    5. Emily*

      Yaaaayyyy!!! That’s awesome, beancat! Whether or not you win the contest, it’s super cool that you saw this opportunity and actually went for it – bringing a big artistic project to completion is a lot of work!

    7. Nicki Name*

      Wow, congratulations!

      I’m proud of finishing up a difficult and very high-profile work task heading into the weekend, which I won’t elaborate on because not the work thread.

      1. beancat*

        Thank you! And congrats on finishing your task! Enjoy some well earned relaxation this weekend if you can :)

    8. OyHiOh*

      Packing up to head back home next weekend. It’s a lot. I’ve been here (spent COVID summer with parents) for six months and apparently I lived well and enthusiastically because I swear I’m packing double what I brought. Children are staying with grandparents for a few weeks longer while I settle our home and get new job off on the right foot so also navigating all their fears, anxieties, etc. They’ll be fine and are well loved and comfortable here so it’ll work out but the anticipation is killing us.

      Putting it here because this was my goal:. Heading back home with a job “by the end of August.” Within two weeks is pretty good!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Congrats, you guys! Everyone deserves to have things work out well for them. It’s nice to see it happening.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      This weekend I challenged my high school kid to cook dinner. Parents had OT work weeks, (remote) school hasn’t kicked into high gear yet, and the fridge had easy stuff.
      Forget easy, she served up sautéed meat & veggies (squash & herbs from our garden), steamed rice, and a cake for dinner.
      Bonus– She called her grandmother in the nursing home and they talked through the entire prep time.
      The kitchen was not left total chaos either, she mostly cleaned as she went so dad&I had an easy time with day-end cleanup.
      She’s definitely going to be a better cook than I am.

  22. mreasy*

    Does anyone have a very small cat? I have an almost-grown kitten (10 months), and she seems to be plateauing in size at six-and-a-half pounds. She did have some digestive and immune issues at an early age that she’s still working through, so maybe that could have inhibited her growth? Anyways, it’s mostly funny because my other cat is a giant, but does anyone have experience with adult cats who are just teeny?

    1. sswj*

      Yep, I have a couple and have had a few over the years. She will probably bulk up a bit as she ages, especially if her systemic issues get resolved, but some cats are just teeny :) At least it makes litter box duty a smidge better! (Oooh, maybe not if she has digestive difficulties … :x )

      Yay for kitties!

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      We used to have a cat who was fully-grown and went between eight-and-a-half and nine pounds for her adult life. Her sister, who is still with us, is about nine, and the vet has always described them just as “petite.” I think yours would qualify as “extra petite!” Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if yours continues to grow a little bit more until she’s even closer to 2, mine just seemed to grow awfully slowly for some reason until they reached their full adult size.

      Also my tiny tortie cat who’s gone now was the absolute loudest cat I’ve ever known. Her voice echoed all throughout the house. If she was upset, everyone else was going to be upset with her, by God, because she wanted to make her complaints KNOWN.

      1. mreasy*

        YES! I had a tortie of about the same size who was the sweetest (she lived to be 18, I was so lucky), and she was also the loudest cat I’ve ever known. She was particularly troubled whenever she walked into a room where no people were, and she would yell about it. Agreed, cats are the best! Having one tiny and one giant is particularly fun when the small one thinks she’ll win in a fight with the big one…and the big one insists on being the small spoon every time they cuddle.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          Oh, God, our cat used to do that. She’d go from the living room, where my husband and I and her sister were all sitting peacefully, go upstairs where there was no one, and just scream because she was all alone up there. So we’d yell “we’re down here!” and she’d come back down like nothing ever happened. She was so weird, I miss her. I don’t miss the decibel level.

      2. pancakes*

        I have a calico Scottish fold who’s approx. 9 lbs. and she’s loud too. Not often, but when she wants to talk to us about something she really makes herself heard! When I think about her size and her ability to communicate I’m always amazed — a 9 lb. creature with a brain maybe the size of a walnut (?) is an effective lobbyist for treats, let us know she prefers filtered water, and has trained me to make the bed daily so she can crawl under the duvet around 11 am daily.

      3. mlem*

        I have a grey cat (with buff undertones, really pretty) who is small, maybe 8 pounds if I’m lucky. And I’m certain she has to have Siamese-cat heritage somewhere in her tree because boy howdy is she LOUD.

      4. Clisby*

        My daughter’s tortoiseshell does that. She WAILS if anything isn’t going her way. Breakfast not on time? Pest control guy entered the apartment? Not enough attention? Lucky for her she’s beautiful.

      5. Oldbiddy*

        My two fluffy female tabbies have both been small, even though one looked and acted like a Maine Coon and the other is more like a Norwegian Forest Cat. The older one was about 7.5 lbs and just had a very delicate frame, although she was of average length. She was slim but didn’t seem scrawny. She was one of a litter of 9 to a big male fluffy cat and a tiny female cat, so I assumed that it was some combination of genetics and maybe not getting enough nourishment when she was young. My current one is very long but only 9 lbs and kind of bony. It’s hard to keep weight on her, but this is largely due to my chowhound tortie who eats everything.
        Both of them were/are very loud.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Yes mine are small. Adults (aged 8) and both weigh under 8 lbs. You just have a tiny cat, that’s cute :)

    4. Helvetica*

      My cat is 7 yrs and she’s maybe 7.5-8 pounds approximately. People frequently think she is much younger than she is. I did take her from a shelter and she had been found on the street so maybe it stunted her growth a bit. But I haven’t noticed any issues from it – she is light as a feather when picked up but she eats well, is very playful and just doesn’t gain any weight. I think that’s easier than having a cat who you’d need to put on a diet.

    5. SmallCatMom*

      We adopted a tiny senior cat from the shelter after his owner died. He was the absolute best lap cat and he just loved being hauled around like a football and slung over shoulders. Wasn’t more than 6lbs soaking wet. He unfortunately passed earlier this year at age 15 due to kidney failure (thanks 2020). He had no ongoing medical issues other than a food allergy that developed in his last year or so that caused him to lick some fur off.

      Sorry I can’t give more info about what might have happened earlier in his life, but he had the one owner for 11 years and his given name was Mr. Runt (which we changed!) so we just assume he was born the runt of the litter. We also guess he needed special handling to be fed/cared for at a young age since he was extremely comfortable around people – the minute we opened his cage at home, he walked on our laps – and didn’t care to socialize with other cats. He was clearly dominant over our other cat who was literally 3x his weight (swiped a snack right in front of him), and you’re right that it’s hilarious to see the size difference. I miss that little buddy. Enjoy your smallcat!

    6. Generic Name*

      My tiny calico is about 8 pounds. She is minuscule, especially compared to her (not actual) brother who is 11 pounds. Both cats are 3, so they’re probably done growing. She was so tiny as a kitten we had to wait a few months for her to be able to get a rabies vaccine. In my cats case, I think she was taken from her mother too early. As a rescue, who knows what happened. She is such a great cat. The vet and techs fawn all over her when she gets her check ups

    7. Cat Lady*

      Yes, but not mine. One belongs to a friend, and she’s a teeny mama! They live in the country and have several outdoor cats. She (about 6-7 lbs) and the other female usually have kittens within a week of each other, and they get along so well that they don’t really care which kittens they are feeding after a couple of weeks. She’s very outgoing and her mission is always to get into the house, whether she has kittens in there or not (the only time she is allowed in the house!) The other is my neighbour’s, and it’s a boy. He is a very shy boy, and it’s taken a while for him to get comfortable with me, but now he’s really lovey-dovey and comes a-runnin’ when he sees me outside. His brother is a big lump of a thing but equally sweet, however I prefer picking up the smaller cat because he’s much lighter (maybe 7-8 lbs)!

    8. Paralegal Part Deux*

      My cat Sassy, before she passed away in April 2020, was a whopping 7 lbs as an adult. She was just tiny, even as a kitten. She was still queen of the roost, though, and she let everybody know it, too. I was able to free range feed her and never had an issue with weight or her health.

    9. fposte*

      Some breeds and some cats are just small. I know some wee Russian Blues who didn’t make 6 pounds until well over a year and will never exceed 7.

      1. Belle*

        +1 our Russian Blue is 5 years old now and he is still just barely 7 pounds. Our vet said he is healthy, just small.

    10. Summersun*

      I had a purebred chocolate-point Birman who was barely 7 pounds her whole life, but her fur made her look gigantic. People who met her for the first time were enchanted by her crazy floof (she was truly stunning, her registered name was “Beauty”) and would always bobble when picking her up because they expected her to weigh a lot more. My dad joked that he nearly threw her through the ceiling the first time he held her. She was surrendered to a shelter when her cattery owner died, and I tried to find her lineage and adopt some of her babies, but had no luck.

      I urge you to keep a very close eye on your tiny cat’s weight as she gets older. Buy a VERY sensitive scale (rounding to half-pounds, like for human weight, is not good enough). I didn’t realize Beauty was drastically losing weight because the ratios are so different at that size, and her huge fur hid it as well. If I’d caught it sooner, we could have managed her kidney failure better, and had more time with her. Everything is harder when they have so little weight to lose (water consumption, medication dosing, needle size, etc.).

    11. The New Wanderer*

      My brother had a cat that looked like a large tabby squirrel – she weighed only 7-8 lbs but had super long fluffy fur and a giant plume of a tail. I don’t think she ever had any medical issues and lived for 16 or so years.

      Of my two cats, one seems like a little guy but weighs a surprising 11 lbs – compared to his buddy at 17 lbs he’s small!

    12. RC Rascal*

      This spring I adopted an adult calico who was 6 lbs. She had lost some weight in the pound and is now 7.5lbs. It’s quite a change as my old cat was a giant; between 20-22 lbs most of his adult life and tall to boot. What I am finding is that I have to watch her carefully because she will wedge herself into odd and silly places and I can’t get her out. Old cat never did stupid stuff like that; he didn’t fit, he knew it, and was more dog like in that way.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Yep. My new cat is around 6.5-7 pounds and she’s 10/12 years old. My parents have a similar size cat. Honestly, they’re cats, just much smaller. They can get into slightly smaller spaces than the 12 pound cats, but cats are liquid anyway so it’s not a significant difference. And the “large” size litter boxes at the stores are closer to appropriate size for them.

      At 10 months, yours isn’t fully grown, though is getting close to full size. Filling out will still be happening for sure.

    15. C Average*

      My patched tabby, Mitzy, is always in the 7 – 8 pound range, and she’s about 12. She isn’t very food-motivated, and she’s small-boned. She’s very healthy, though, and has plenty of energy and affection.

      She has the loudest purr I’ve ever heard. Small cat, huge purr. We call her the Purricane.

    16. Dancing Otter*

      Seven pounds is a pretty normal size for a female DSH, though of course some breeds are much larger, like Maine Coons or Norwegies. She could well have some growth yet. Ten months is still the equivalent of a teenager.
      Your larger cat isn’t eating more than his fair share of the food, is he?

      1. WS*

        I had a fully-grown 5 pound Tonkinese cat. His sister was slightly larger, so they looked like normal cats to me, but my next cat, also Tonkinese, was an enormous skinny noodle of a boy at 14 pounds, so that gave me some perspective!

      2. mreasy*

        She eats a TON. I separate them for meals because if I don’t, she’ll eat his food! So maybe just a little gal with some growing left.

    17. PNW Dweller*

      My sweet Chloe was a very small cat. Her smallness didn’t affect her health. But she did play up the smallness. She affected a kitten voice (unless she was upset). One time when I was on vacation, she was staying at my parent’s house and got very upset about something. She used her ‘adult’ voice to get my stepmom’s attention and as she followed her downstairs to see what the fuss was and commented on the voice change. Caught out, Chloe went back to her kitten voice.

    18. Square Root of Minus One*

      My cat (6 years old) is about 7.5-8 pounds, and my mom’s cat (about 3 years old) is even smaller.
      According to the vet mine is in amazing health, and mom’s cat is nowhere near skinny, more like the athletic kind. No worries there.

    19. frystavirki*

      My aunt’s previous cat, who I did not realize was super tiny when I was a child, was 4 pounds flat. She lived to the ripe old age of 21 and made up for being super tiny by being super, super loud. Like you could hear her the second you walked up to the front door. Mitty was a good egg.

    20. Windchime*

      My mom used to have a little bobtail calico cat who was between 4 and 5 pounds. She was 100% cat; loved to hunt and bring dead birds and mice into the house. She was perfectly normal and friendly and cat-like; she was just very tiny. Her name was Chelsea. :)

  23. TechWorker*

    Lots of cat talk today which I’m adding to :p

    I have 4 month old kittens where the girl was neutered this week (or is it spayed? I always forget). She’s normally the instigator of play/play fighting and post-op has been more subdued. Now though she’s getting a bit more active but vet wants her to be kept relatively quiet for about another week (!).

    Anyone have recommendations on how to keep a kitten entertained without encouraging running/jumping etc? Also a bit worried the other one is going to get bored because they’re always together and if I play with him she comes running! (I was meant to separate them after the op for a few days but ended up not doing so because they’ve never been apart and he’s so gentle anyway. If you leave her in a room by herself she cries until let out and I didn’t want to stress her… maybe that makes me a bad cat parent but her stitches are totally fine according to post op check-up).

    1. TechWorker*

      (Fun story: she was licking at the wound and running in circles on the first day trying to get to it, so I went to the later opening branch of our vet to get a pet t-shirt, they guessed at the size based on weight & was comedically large. I then went to a different, 24hr vet who put her in one 2 sizes down from the first. I was relieved at it being sorted… but she got herself out of it in the carrier on the 20min drive home. I gave up at that point :p)

      1. mlem*

        I can’t help you with discouraging activity, but my small-but-adult cat recently had surgery to remove an abdominal growth. (Just weird, it turned out, not cancerous.) The cone FREAKED HER OUT, so I tried various t-shirt options. The internet will tell you an inverted infant onesie with a head-hole cut out works; it *can*, but it takes a lot of trial and error, and my cat isn’t kitten-sized for all that she’s only about 8 pounds, so I don’t know how feasible it would be for you..

        What eventually worked for me was putting her in something called a “bunny jacket”, which is basically a velcro-sealed harness meant for actual pet rabbits, and then covering her back half with an inverted baby onesie, and then safety-pinning the two snugly together. That’s the one combination she never managed to get herself out of for her couple of weeks. (The actual small-dog harness was too big for her, so it wasn’t as effective.)

        1. TechWorker*

          Good to know! The vet who put it on described her as being ‘melodramatic’ which is 100% true lol in the t-shirt she was basically playing dead – clearly not happy about it. I *think* she’s ok this time around, but I will bear that option in mind if either of them need surgery in future!

    2. Forensic13*

      Have you seen those “tower of tracks” cat toys? They’re a stack of 3 or so tracks with small plastic balls stuck inside them. My kittens love it and tend to just lie and bat at the balls, though sometimes they do chase them somewhat. It’s cheap, too!

    3. That Girl from Quinn's House*

      I adopted my cat the day after her kitten spay. They gave us strict instructions to keep her from jumping around for 7-10 days, except…try explaining that to a kitten. She spent the 7-10 days doing parkour off everything. I couldn’t even restrict her to the bathroom because she’d jump from floor to tub to toilet to sink. I took her to the vet for her checkup and she scaled the shelves in the exam room and 12 feet off the floor.

      I gave up. I figured if jumping like a lunatic hurt, she wouldn’t do it (this might not be medically true) and just kept an eye on her. She healed fine.

      1. TechWorker*

        Haha I know :) mine is definitely less keen to jump than normal so I would guess still in a bit of pain but she would hate be shut in the bathroom cos it’s tiny and every other room has a windowsill! I’ve compromised by moving out the tall scratching post, not throwing balls down the stairs (usually their favourite game) and letting her play with bits of fabric that don’t have anything metal to get stuck. Hopefully she will heal just fine like yours :)

  24. My Brain Is Exploding*

    Grocery shopping was fun this week as I found many of the items other people mentioned last week that they could not find! So there must be regional differences. Still no crushed pineapple!

    1. nep*

      Not really groceries, but I found a thermometer at a department store yesterday–They were out everywhere for a long time.

        2. Nita*

          Yes! I was shopping for school supplies and there was allll that sanitizer. And I didn’t really need any, but a small part of me kept going “grab a few bottles! What if it disappears again!”

      2. Llama face!*

        I still only have the “mood ring” style of thermometer (it’s a plasticized piece of paper with a temp range strip that changes colour on the bar closest to your current temp when you hold it against your forehead). Still haven’t seen hide nor hair of any regular thermometers in stores nearby.

    2. WellRed*

      My roommates and I agreed to all pick up things like hand soap and cleaning supplies as we find them rather than taking turn. We are not hoarding, but anticipating issues fall/winter and that stuff is still hit or miss, either on Amazon or locally.

      1. Generic Name*

        I’m doing the same thing. Normally when I run out of a thing, I put it on the list and get it next time I go to the store. Now if I see I’m running low-ish, I’ll buy it if I see it at the store. I live in a major metro area, and if you really think about it, it’s pretty astonishing that I could purchase literally anything I could want, when I want, and never worry about not being able to get something. There are plenty of places in the world where that’s never been possible. Even in the US. So it’s been humbling to want something, even something simple like eggs, and not have access to it.

    3. Summersun*

      I have been unable to find lime juice, but there’s plenty of lemon juice. So strange.

      On the plus side, going to no other stores forced me to buy a pair of scissors at the grocery store, and I LOVE them. They easily come apart for the dishwasher, so I can get in there with Bar Keeper’s Friend and scrub away the tarnish/rust spots. (I know I’m late to the party in buying kitchen-specific shears, but I grew up in a cheap “make do” kind of family, so specialized tools are still a luxury in my mind.)

    4. Caterpie*

      I could not find bean sprouts! My store usually carries a name brand and store brand, but did not have either today. I was going to make pad thai this week, but now I suppose I’ll have to find something else to add as a substitute.

      1. Llama face!*

        It’s not quite the same (less crunch) but enoki mushrooms might work in pad thai if you like them. Of course that might also not be easily available depending on your region. I get mine at the neighbourhood asian market.

    5. CTT*

      The weird thing I can’t find now are those starter packets for vinaigrette that are filled with dried herbs. I know that I can easily make it myself and the packets are probably filled with sodium (which is why they’re so good!), but I am just slightly too lazy to start making my own dressing totally from scratch.

    6. Marthooh*

      Canned tomatoes with hot peppers (for use in refried beans, yum). They ran out of the fancy brand weeks ago, then the store brand recently D: D: D:

      But on the other hand there now seems to be a steady supply of beans, which is the main thing.

  25. DominoMama*

    Has anyone here had their thyroid removed? I found out this week that I have thyroid cancer and need to have my thyroid removed. The doctor said it’s a pretty easy procedure and recovery but just wanted to hear if anyone had any personal experience with this.

    2. Felicia*

      I have about 4 years ago!

      The recovery itself was easy and the procedure itself wasn’t bad. The hard part for me was the adjustment to my thyroid meds. They kind of guess your first dose based on your weight and mine was off. I needed two weeks off work to recover from the not having a thyroid part, the surgery part was a piece of cake. My first week back at work I still wasn’t 100%

      Also my parathyroids were stunned or something by the surgery though not permanently damaged which is apparently not uncommon so I had to take a shot lead of calcium for 3 months during which time my hands and face were still kind tingly.

      Dont want to scare you or anything it really wasn’t that bad! Everyone I’ve heard of needed a week off work at least and two isn’t unheard of,but it’s not really because of recovering from the surgery.I felt recovered from the surgery after a day or two. Its more the recovery from/getting used to not having a thyroid. But 4 years later I’m fine, my meds are at the right level (though had to be adjusted recently because I gained the quarantine 15 and they were no longer enough) and my scar is barely noticeable

      1. fposte*

        Ha, same thing just happened to me with dosage—I didn’t put it together with the lockdown weight until reading this.

        1. Felicia*

          Technically the dosage probably needs to be adjusted any time you gain/lose weight especially without a thyroid that can make these adjustments itself I just happen to be very conscious of the constant proximity to my fridge having caused the weight gain haha

    4. No thyroid*

      I had my thyroid out 12 years ago now. Long term, I agree with everyone else that keeping the thyroid levels right is the tricky part-mainly because there is a lag. It takes a couple weeks to see if any given dose is right. When my levels are off, it really effects my emotions and energy level, which is both a good tell and a little annoying.

      In terms of the surgery, it took me a couple days to recover. I didn’t have any complications. But I wasn’t able to talk for a couple hours after surgery, which scared me because I thought my vocal cords were damaged. But it was fine so don’t freak out it that happens to you. Also, if you are feeling nauseous after surgery and they ask if you want anti-nausea meds, take them! Throwing up with you neck cut open isn’t that fun.

      1. DominoMama*

        Thank you all for the insight! I have a friend who is a clinical pharmacist so she told me it can sometimes take awhile to find the right dose of meds. I think the hardest right now is the unknown of how I will feel afterwards! I’m a pretty active person so I am really hopeful I can bounce back quickly!

        1. Felicia*

          This totally reminded me another thing that hurt my throat after surgery was laughing. And bumps on the road the would jostle too much. And yawning. But I forgot all that because the real struggle was the right dose of meds. I went back to my dance class after 3 weeks though my dose actually was still wrong at that time

    5. Fiona*

      I had half my thyroid removed 6 years ago. (My tumor was benign so they only removed half.) It was the one and only surgery I’ve ever had and it went very smoothly with an easy recovery, so your doctor is correct. They gave me prescription painkillers that I never touched – I wasn’t in much pain, it just took a little while to lift my head/neck up without help. The scar is almost invisible; they did an amazing job with that. They didn’t give me very clear instructions on what to do with the bandage/stitches so I think I wore the frayed bandage on my neck way longer than I needed to or should have – I guess that’s the only thing I wish had been different. Sending you all the best for a safe and smooth procedure!

  26. Always a couch potatoo*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for a compact treadmill? I have a small condo so need something smaller and foldable, but I’m not interested in the bells and whistles that come with the “big” treadmills, like WiFi, subscriptions, Bluetooth. I did have a manual treadmill for a while but never used it because it was too hard to keep a steady pace.

    1. The New Wanderer*

      I have a “Performance 400” treadmill that folds up and has done really well for 6+ years. It’s still pretty heavy and I don’t use the fold option much at all because we have the floorspace for it, but it’s solid and the tread action is good both flat and at the max incline and at varying walking/running speeds. I think we bought it through Costco.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I got this one a few years ago and I really like it: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00P6V09AE

      It folds flat enough to roll under a bed IF you put the bed up on slight risers. That was important to me in my space. However, it only rolls vertically, which means you need enough space at the foot of your bed to pull the thing out and set it up. You can’t slide it sideways under a bed to set up next to it.

  27. nep*

    Headache triggers…
    I have experienced almost chronic headache for a long time–pretty much a constant low-grade nausea headache that would sometimes spike. A few weeks back–and it’s impossible to convey how monumental it was–suddenly that feeling was GONE. Gone gone gone. I was a new person. I didn’t take anything special (I don’t use painkillers). There are a few changes I made–in supplements and food as well as habits–so I have no idea what helped, if it was any of that. Or a combination? None of it was done expressly for headache relief. I don’t really care what helped–these are all things I’ll continue to do.
    What’s odd is for a period of a day or two the pain roared back and I thought that was it–the relief was to be short-lived. But I looked at a couple things I’d done differently in those two days, stopped them, and the pain is gone once again.
    I would be really interested to hear what habits or foods/supplements trigger or ease headaches for people. Particularly avocado–does anyone have bad reactions to avocado? (I gather some people are allergic, but I’ve never heard of it as a headache trigger…)

    1. Lena Clare*

      Allergic reactions can inlude headaches, so if you’re allergic to avocados then i guess they could trigger a headache
      Not headaches but migraines for me. Triggers include stress, not enough or too much caffeine (I actually drink a couple of decaff teas and only one decaff coffee per day, but there’s still a bit of caffeine in it, and apparently I’m susceptible to any amount of caffeine), and lack of sleep.
      Sometimes I get a migraine after orange juice, chocolate, or something very sugary. Also if I’m dehydrated it can be a trigger.
      Hormones – ack. I can’t do much about that at the moment.
      Managing stress, being careful about my decaff & food intake, and maintaining sleep hygiene all help.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have avocado issues, but mine are digestive (it makes me barf), not headache-related.

      Headache habits though – I have found that, while I can sleep with my hair in a bun at home with no problems, if I do so on hotel pillows, it gives me crazy headaches. I can sleep with a bun and NO pillows in a hotel, or pillows and no bun, but both together is a recipe for ouch. I don’t even know why, but it is specific to hotels.

    3. What the What*

      If I do heavy aerobic exercise (with sweating and breathing hard) for at least 45 minutes a day, my chronic migraines are about 75% less frequent and when they do occur, 50% less severe.

      I always hate telling other people with chronic migraines about it though, because the last thing you want to hear when you have a migraine is “Just do hard exercise every single day!!”

      1. Hi there*

        I was having trouble with headaches (not migraines though) months after a concussion in an ice hockey game, and my neurologist recommended half an hour of cardio 4 to 5 times a week. It was amazing how much it helped!

    4. mlem*

      One of my weirder headache triggers is … edible cookie dough. Every time I’ve bought and eaten it, I’ve had a vicious, vicious headache later that day and/or the next day. Correlation is not causation, etc., but I’m not prepared to risk it again.

      I once tried gingko biloba supplements, back in the 90s. By week four, when they were really supposed to be making my memory super-great, I was getting constant headaches. Those eased up when I stopped taking it.

      Chamomile soap makes me just about pass out — not so much a headache as such, but still a weird reaction. I had to sit down in the shower every time I tried to use up that bottle.

      More common ones:
      – Sitting in a chair with a seat that tilts forward. (This is apparently considered an ergonomic benefit! Ugh.)
      – Sitting in a car seat with a headrest that pushes my head forward. (This is ALL OF THEM.)
      – General neck/shoulder tension.
      – Falling asleep without brushing my teeth, which apparently makes me clench or grind them in the night.
      – Hormones.
      – Sinuses.
      – Perfumes.

        1. nep*

          Interesting re ginkgo. I bought some supplements a while back that include ginkgo. There they sit on my shelf, because I have not wanted to venture into ginkgo and risk side effects. I was feeling (adventurous?) when I bought them…or just didn’t really think it through. Waste of money, but I don’t care; especially now that headaches have eased, I’m not taking the chance.

    5. Summersun*

      My triggers include several that people claim are “debunked” so I get (sometimes hostile) pushback on them. They’re real for me, nonetheless. Artificial sweeteners, MSG, nitrates, and alcohol are the big ones.

      Similar to Red Reader, I have tried during my journey with CGM to pineapple my curly hair in a covering at night (headscarf or bonnet) and found it completely intolerable. Having material or elastic pressing against my scalp or neck is guaranteed to wake me up with a terrible throbbing headache. I had to go back to piling my hair on my crown with a jaw clip, which ruins the curls, but gives me pain relief.

      My neuro has told me that I need to give in and take a migraine pill as soon as I feel a headache coming on, instead of trying to tough it out first, because they work more effectively the sooner they’re taken. I have not found that to be the case. I put off taking them because I don’t like the side effects (numb face, tingling hands that lose mobility and dexterity) and I won’t be changing that behavior, because her claim is not correct in my case.

      I also get a certain kind of headache that acts like a cross between a regular one and a migraine, and I can head them off by chugging a can of ice-cold regular formula Coke (that brand and type only). When I feel pressure behind one eye and a slight bit of nausea (but no light or smell sensitivity, like my usual migraines) I immediately run to the garage for the beer fridge and pound a soda. The pain disappears 90% of the time.

      1. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        My triptans don’t work well for me if I take them at the first hint of a migraine, either. They will temporarily abort it, and it will just come back later. Often, the first hint won’t progress to anything meriting a triptan for a day or so and will sometimes go away on its own or with an OTC pill like Advil, so when I followed the doctor’s directions I ended up overusing my triptans and triggered a medication overuse headache cycle, which was miserable.

    6. StrikingFalcon*

      Pretty much any food can be a migraine trigger, so I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that food and diet can cause the kind of headache symptoms you describe. Supplements definitely make a difference for my chronic migraines – B2 in particular (400mg) noticeably reduces my migraine days, and I also take magnesium.

      The most effective lifestyle things I’ve tried for my migraines: a regular sleep schedule (same bedtime/wake hours every day), identifying and eliminating specific triggers [like chocolate :( ], a flicker-free monitor, and snacking as needed (long periods without eating = migraine).

    7. KarenTheLibrarian*

      I hope you can figure out what is causing your headaches! Avocados/guac give me severe stomach cramps and diarrhea within an hour or so of eating them, which is sad because I love them! They do no love me back, unfortunately!

    8. Alexandra Lynch*

      I am a migraineur.
      Stay up too late, get up too early. Essentially if my sleep is disrupted, I’ll have a migraine the next day.
      Lots of stress, stress suddenly removed.
      Low-pressure systems, especially fast moving ones, will do it to me every time.
      Exposure to chemicals will trigger a migraine. That was last week. (But hey, the shower door is clean now…)
      Of course, if I don’t get my usual dose of caffeine I get a headache, but that will also often trigger off a migraine.
      I have a fructose intolerance, so white or brown sugar (sucrose cracks into fructose + glucose), honey, maple syrup, agave nectar, and of course high fructose corn syrup make me feel nauseated and give me a headache within about thirty seconds of consumption.

      And I have peripheral vascular disease so I can’t take migraine meds. I structure my life in such a way that if I have to lie down for four hours in the middle of the day I can, because that’s all I’ve got.

    9. Parenthetically*

      I can’t eat avocado — it makes me feel… early pregnant and hungover simultaneously. Just a really yuck feeling.

      Red wine and tequila are major headache triggers for me, and it seems not to have much to do with quantities. Staying hydrated cuts down headaches by probably 75%.

    10. RC Rascal*

      Former coworker had a avocado issue. She claimed it was due to an enzyme deficiency. It used to come up with business travel when we were entertaining; for some reasons customers always wanted Tex Mex or sushi.

    11. Nita*

      I’m not sure, but I think my two main migraine triggers are getting dragged out of bed abruptly, and dental problems. I get a little background headache whenever there’s something off about my bite. Usually not a full-blown migraine, but a couple of years ago all of this came together at once – teeth, hormonal stuff, and early rising – and I had migraines every. single. day for three months. I don’t know how I managed to go to work every day, but I did have to stop driving until it was better.

    12. Not A Girl Boss*

      Honestly, triggers are sooo personal that the best move is a headache journal. There’s some cool new apps out that work well. It’s helped because sometimes my migraines come a few days after the trigger.

      The one thing that has made a huge difference for me is following a ketogenic diet. I went from a migraine a week to 2-4 a year and have sustained that for 3 years! There’s a good kindle book called Keto for Migraine that explains why it works (short version: the same reason ketogenic diets were originally formulated for seizures).

      But my triggers include:
      -sugar alcohols and artificial sweeteners (until I figured this out, keto made my migraines worse)
      -red dye
      -Chinese food. Everyone says that MSG doesn’t cause migraines, so maybe it’s the sodium, who knows
      -Red wine (low tannin wine is less problematic)
      -weather, particularly those foggy drizzly days
      -hormone changes (continuous BC has helped that)
      -soy and flax (potentially related to hormones)
      -strong smells, particularly candles, perfume, and “new car scent”
      -light (I have special flicker free monitors and wear blue light blocking glasses. Flourescent light drives me crazy.
      -blood sugar fluctuations (keto fixed that)

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Before I got into eating whole foods and taking nutrition I had lots and lots of headaches. I would not think of them as migraines but they definitely pulled me down and made me do less.

      I cut out sugar, even watched how much fruit I ate. I did various vitamin B’s and vitamin E. So many things go into blood flow it’s hard to nail down one thing. Calcium and other minerals were helpful.

      Dare I say… Water??? Regular hydration, not just summer time and not just when I happened to think of it every few weeks.
      Paying attention to bowels has been a huge help. Constipation, even minor constipation can go into other problems and we don’t even realize. I also watch congestion, if my nose plugs up from grass, or whatever, I take something sooner rather than later.

      Rest. Stress levels. Chemical cleaners. Perfumes and fragrances. omg. My practicioner said tracing headaches is one of the hardest things to figure out.

      I don’t eat avocados, so I’m not of any help there. I do know that different bodies have different needs. In an opposite example, my husband wanted something with tomatoes at every meal. Well, tomatoes have lycopene which seems to help fight cancer…. which is how he died. I can’t help but wonder if we intuitively eat what we need to protect our bodies. With that said, my guess is that there is something in avocados that your body does not need more of. Perhaps when you get too much of x thing, you get a headache. I tend to believe that if a being does not do well with a whole food, that is cause enough to avoid the whole food.

      Over the years, I have had questions like this answered in my own health concerns. So probably that is what will happen to you, as you go along the answer here will become clearer. But yeah, I was surprised to see that even in eating whole foods, there is still stuff that can make us feel yukky.

    14. Anon for this*

      Magnesium is a well documented preventative supplement for migraines, if anyone is looking for a preventative treatment.

    15. Chaordic One*

      In addition to caffeine (too much or not enough), dark chocolate, foods high in nitrates, skipping meals, not getting enough sleep, stress, smoking (I stopped quite some time ago and have had noticeably fewer headaches since then), air pollution (I used to live in L.A. and if I had to be somewhere where there was a lot of traffic it could set me off). Also barometric pressure, like when the sky is full of heavy clouds before a big rain or snow storm. Sometimes I’ll wake up with one only to find that while I was sleeping a low pressure area has moved in.

      Sometimes what starts out as a sinus headache can turn into a migraine. For me the worst trigger for a sinus headache is caused by, in the summer, having to move between air-conditioned and non-air-conditioned spaces. If I can just stay put in one or the other, I’m fine, but the back-and-forth seems to cause them and sometimes they do turn into migraines.

    16. KeinName*

      Avocados have Histamine, and some people get headaches from Histamine rich foods. Could be you intuitively left out the Histamine rich things in your diet?

    17. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The 3 migraine triggers I’ve been able to nail down :
      -standard filtered cigarettes (I don’t like the smell of cigars or hand-rolled cigarettes but they don’t trigger migraines. So I suspect it’s the glue or wrapping material.)
      -florescent lighting (YAY LED bulbs)
      -artificial fragrances. Be aware that some ‘unscented’ products actually add something to cover the product’s odor. I used Secret for decades until I ran out on vacation and bought Tom’s of Maine….and the migraines stopped until I bought another stick of secret at home. Even their unscented.
      Good luck finding the reason.
      Please though, do talk to a doctor if these came out of nowhere. Yes migraines are the common answer, but the “zebra” options can be serious enough it’s good to catch them early.

      1. TL -*

        Oh yeah I am not prone to headaches but I cannot do most air fresheners – the spray ones tend to be okay because they don’t last but I can’t tolerate plug-ins or automatic spritzer. The worst headache of my life was because I fell asleep in a hotel room minutes after arriving without realizing they had a plug-in air freshener – woke up with a pounding headache that cleared up within minutes of going outside and the room was fine once I turned it off and let it air out before I went back inside.

  28. Mohr*

    Can I get some podcast recs?
    I generally listen to two different types: comedy (like My Brother, My Brother, and Me or Hello from the Magic Tavern) and journalism (Reply All — I especially like that Reply All is focused on the people who use the internet/exist in the world. I really liked Emmanuel’s Alabama Democrats episodes, for example, but I find a lot of other politics podcasts are dry, or unempathetic, or just plain uninteresting.)

    I’d love to get suggestions in either of those two veins! If you’re looking for something to listen to as well, drop some of your favorites and I’ll see if I can return the favor.

    2. Helvetica*

      I really like Off Menu, which is by two British comedians, James Acaster and Ed Gamble. They do a dream restaurant type of thing with a guest who explains the foods they’d like to have, which can be something they’ve had before, or just what they really love and why, and talk about everything around it. I think it’s very funny and interesting because people’s memories and experiences with food are fascinating to me. And I just think both Acaster and Gamble are hilarious.

    3. Leap Day Highway*

      My current favorite is Sawbones, which is hosted by one of the brothers from MBMBaM and his wife, who’s a doctor. They talk about weird things from medicine/medical history and it’s funny and informative with progressive values, so maybe it would be a good combination of your interests! No Such Thing As A Fish is another funny/informative one.

      Also I can’t talk about podcasts without recommending You’re Wrong About, which is clearly the best podcast of all time (but it might not be what you’re looking for).

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Yes! I was coming here to recommend You’re Wrong About.

        Also thinking you might enjoy Wind of Change, which is a mini-series podcast that investigates whether the CIA was actually behind the Scorpions’ power ballad “Wind of Change”.

    4. CTT*

      I really enjoy Kaiser Health News’ “What the Health,” which is a round table discussion podcast with health care journalists about the week’s news.

    5. Nicole76*

      Did you ever watch the comedy Scrubs? There’s a podcast for it called Fake Doctors, Real Friends that I find highly entertaining.

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      For comedy, I’d recommend The Guilty Feminist. For journalism, I’d recommend You’re Wrong About.

    7. Purt’s Peas*

      Dungeons & Daddies is a really genuinely funny D&D podcast. The Dream is journalistic and empathetic, and has a great season about MLMs.

    8. Buzzbattlecat*

      Conversations, an Australian- made (available everywhere) podcast which is literally a 50 minute conversation with people with a story to tell- authors, scientists, cultural change agents, performers, journalists, travellers, the list goes on!
      There are thousands archived and they can be searched by topic. The interviewers, Richard Fidler and Sarah Kanowski, are great and well-read and curious.

    9. Moocow Cat*

      The Villain Was Right (comedy pop culture)
      A podcast that analyzes film from the villain’s perspective and asks, were they really all that bad?
      FWI the Shark from Jaws was totally in the right.

      1. Anono-me*

        I want to listen to that one.

        I always disliked The Wizard of Oz. I love individual scenes from it but the overall premise of the movie was upsetting. Somebody kills my sibling even if by accident and then steals off of her dead body and goes on a road trip with a bunch of random strangers. I’m going to be pretty pissed off too and try to get my sisters most precious belonging back.

    10. Plum*

      For comedy I recommend Dear Hank and John. They’re the Green Brothers who are writers and entrepreneurs. The premise is that they answer questions sent in by their fans regardless of how off the wall the questions may seem. They’re very smart and funny and, not surprisingly, as brothers, they have a great rapport. I often laugh out loud while I’m listening.

    11. pet*

      Journalism – In the Dark.

      CBC has a bunch of journalism ones that are good too (particularly Uncover and Someone knows something). Those tend to be true crime, though. Also BBC’s Crossing Continents is particularly good.

    12. MsChanandlerBong*

      Comedy: Special Viewing Unit (if you’re a fan of Law & Order SVU) and Dork Forest (a podcast by comedian Jackie Kashian)

  29. Treebeardette*

    Any other LDS people here? I’m a SA and I find it frustrating trying to date outside the “bubble”. I love my career and probably will not be able to have kids due to medical concerns. I find most guys have this weird expectation to get married and me to give up everything to have a kid. I know old general conference talks saying women shouldn’t be so focused on their career but that’s silly because I’m going to support myself in the best way possible.
    I’m struggling with the idea to date outside my faith because I don’t think I can inside.
    Thoughts?
    (FYI, I’m not really open to anyone criticizing my faith for this. I find peace and I love being a member.)

    1. MissGirl*

      I don’t know where you’re located or how old you are. I’m having trouble dating mostly because I’m 39 and the well of potential guys has dried up—and that’s true no matter what faith you are. By my age those who want to settle down have. The guys I go out with seem to be committed bachelors or looking for perfection. The divorced guys seem to be so busy with family obligations they have a hard time making a date, let alone a relationship.

      My friends of the same age but of different backgrounds and faiths all have the same problems. My one friend just broke up with a guy because he didn’t want to grow up and take on any responsibility like a permanent job. They could’ve gotten married but it would’ve been her supporting him while he played.

      I wouldn’t go out with a guy who expected me to give up my life, but in all honestly I haven’t dated anyone who has communicated that. Of course, I usually get ghosted by the the third date. I’ve been ghosted by three guys in the last month. Most women I know, even in the faith, work in some capacity so there are definitely plenty of guys okay with it. I wonder if you’re younger and dating more immature guys.

      I wish I had better advice than you be you. If you’re in Utah, I’ve joined a hiking group that mostly singles in their thirties and forties. Most are LDS because that’s who the group started with but it’s rapidly expanding beyond that.

      2. Generic Name*

        Omg, the divorced men with kids. I mean, yeah, put your family first, but when I was dating as as a divorced woman with a kid, it kind of pissed me off that somehow I was able to find time to parent my kid half the time and also find time to date but some men weren’t. It made me wonder how much of the parenting work those guys were doing when they were married that doing half the work seemed overwhelming to them. When I was divorced and single, I had so much free time. My house was ridiculously clean, I exercised regularly, I went out with friends, and yes, I dated. Sometimes multiple first dates in one week. Anyway, total tangent. Don’t give up hope though, I met the love of my life at 38, so there are still good guys out there.

        1. MissGirl*

          I don’t understand it either. But I can’t tell you how many divorced guys have canceled at the last minute citing family stuff. I’m totally for putting family first but if you don’t have time for a phone conversation, maybe you don’t have time to date and you should get off the app. One guy canceled our phone call three times.

        2. Treebeardette*

          Lol The weirdest thing I got from divorce men was guys who wanted to do online dating but were put out because I didn’t want to move across the country to be with them. They couldn’t move at all because of their kids, which I understand. But it was all weird.

    2. Laura H.*

      Not LDS, but female and I can kinda relate.

      You love your faith and you want similarity in your SO… that’s somewhat universal.

      I don’t have any advice, but are there ladies in your faith community who are married and for lack of better words have their own lives? Pick their brains?

      Good luck and best wishes. :)

    3. Generic Name*

      That’s really tough. Maybe try dating men from other conservative Christian faiths? Have you decided you don’t want kids at all, or are you open to adopting? Many religious men have a hard time with the idea of not having children, but I know there are many who would love to grow their family via adoption. I think the first thing to do when one is intentionally dating to look for a life partner is to do a lot of thinking and decide what you really want in a husband and what you want your life to look like. Then look for men who #1 you really like who fit those parameters. And by “what you want in a husband” I mean things like personal qualities (loves animals, volunteers, doesn’t take himself too seriously, kind to his mother) and not physical parameters such as height, weight, hair color. And for what it’s worth, one of my coworkers is LDS, and while she does have bio kids, she says she’s a “weird Mormon” in that she has a career she loves (she’s an engineer and a principal at our firm). So it is possible to marry within your faith and still work outside the home.

        1. Christian mingle dropout*

          From my experience Christian dating sites are worse than ‘mainstream’ ones. So much spam too! I am a non-denominational Christian- I don’t think dating conservative Christians is a good recommendation. If you want to stay in the LDS church I doubt you will find someone age compatible who is already in a Protestant based denomination willing to convert. I hate being Debbie Downer with no encouraging comments. It seems universal that single women of faith outnumber single men of faith.

          1. Treebeardette*

            I wouldn’t force someone to convert. I think that wouldn’t be right of me to push that on someone. I just hope he has a strong faith in God. But thanks for pointing that out about the Christian dating sites!

    4. Blackcat*

      A good friend of mine is LDS, and has a BRCA mutation that put her at extremely high risk of ovarian cancer. Her mom and most female relatives died young of cancers (generally under the age of 35). When she was 20, she went for a full hysterectomy and double mastectomy.
      So obviously no kids.
      She wanted to date/marry within the faith. She ended up marrying a significantly older widower who already had three kids. Obviously that’s not for you if you don’t want to raise kids, but for her, it was a way to have the life she wanted within her community. If you do want to parent despite not being able to have kids, there are ways to do so.
      If you don’t want to parent at all, you can try dating within your faith and being up front about this, but I think that’s a hard stretch. You may be able to find someone who is devout in another faith but one less inclined towards lots of kids, and that may work well.
      I do think your best bet is being up front no matter what. If you can’t have biokids, but want to parent, say that. If you don’t want kids at all, say that. If you’re up front, you shouldn’t have to deal long with men who have very different expectations.

      1. Blackcat*

        Also, she was open and honest in her community about her goals and her medical history. Her church was very supportive throughout–it was the same church that had helped her father raise her and her siblings after her mother’s death. They 100% supported her decision to not have bio-kids and brought meals and such when she was recovering from her surgeries (3 total).

        Her husband came from another church, but it was an active match-making thing. She was 24 when she married her husband. He was 37? I think. Over 35 but under 40 is what I remember.

        She finds being a step-mother to kids who experienced a similar loss to her really, really rewarding. (Slightly different b/c her kids bio-mom died suddenly) It’s super hard, but worth it to her.

    5. Eeeek*

      Well it’s going to be hard because the tradition of LDS is women marrying and having children so that’s what men will be looking for. Maybe try men who are a little bit older in the faith that aren’t as tied to kids anymore? Like 40 plus?

      1. Filosofickle*

        I was thinking this. I am not LDS but grew up in a very strong LDS community and still have many friends in it. While it’s not universal, especially today, IME that’s not actually a weird expectation for them. (It’s weird to ME but not them.)

        But more modern LDS men do exist. Keep looking for one that matches your values.

        1. Dan*

          Yeah, OP uses the phrase “weird expectation” but my understanding is that it is part-and-parcel for the religion.

          1. ...*

            Yeah, that is what the religion teaches. So men will expect that. I think that may just be dating within LDS.

            1. Treebeardette*

              This entire thread is off on a tangent and it isn’t what I’m looking for. I’m well aware of what my religion is. I ask y’all to step off since you don’t fully understand.

              1. theguvnah*

                we understand that you’re asking for men to somehow be believers of the religion you subscribe to but not believers of the gender roles that are a core and inherent part of sad religion. You’re looking for a unicorn.

              2. CleverGirl*

                I am also LDS and spent a long time in YSA and SA wards so I likely do “fully understand”, and these commenters are 100% correct. The church is all about “family family family, kids kids kids”. “Good Mormon men” are raised with the expectation to be the “provider” of the family, and marry a woman who will raise their children (see: The Proclamation) and it’s hard to find men who are still all-in that don’t have these ingrained expectations. Not impossible, but very difficult. I’m not sure why you are being so combative. These commenters are basically validating your struggles and you are acting like they are telling you to have your name removed and burn it all down.

                1. elletee*

                  Yeah, I’m LDS and single and I agree with what CleverGirl is saying – I don’t think the commenters are off-base here, and I didn’t read them to be attacking you or Mormonism generally. If you want to marry a religious and idealized Mormon man, you have to understand that what they’re looking for a wives who fit a certain religious and idealized version of a Mormon woman. Is it fair? No. Do I think this is the way things should be? Also no. But being realistic, if you want a Mormon husband who is active and doesn’t have kids yet, he’s going to be looking for a wife/homemaker AND kids. There are like, 3 or 4 single active Mormon women over 30 for every single active man, so men can afford to be picky. This sucks for folks who don’t fit this idealized standard, but like, that’s what happens when you’re in a patriarchal religion.

                  You asked whether you should consider dating outside of the faith, and I think you need to decide what’s important to you: do you want to find someone to marry and have a life with? Or do you only want to be married if it’s to a Mormon man? Because if it’s the second, then you should consider what areas you’re willing to settle in (income? relationship history? religious commitment? attraction?) and how badly you want to be married to a Mormon man. If it’s the first, get out there and find the person who is best suited for you. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend conservative Christian dating websites because there’s some historic conflict between Christians and Mormons (some Christians don’t consider Mormons Christian and won’t date them, similar to how some Mormons won’t date non-Mormons).

    6. Dan*

      You asked people to not criticize your faith, so I’ll stay away from that to the extent that I can. You did however, ask about dating outside your faith.

      I think it’s tough. For those that practice other religions, many of them discourage dating outside that particular faith. For those that don’t practice at all, don’t believe in religion or what have you, LDS comes with a number of stereotypes or stigmas. And for me, it doesn’t matter what religion you are — what matters is how important your faith is to you. When I’m on dating sites, the more emphasis people place on religion, the more I stay away. I’ve found the reverse to be true too — people who place a high value on religion have noted that I don’t talk about it, and for that reason, it’ll be a pass. I’m not saying this is true for everybody, but I’m saying this is tough.

      1. Treebeardette*

        It’s pretty clear my religion bothers you. I would appreciate to leave it alone like I asked.

        1. Dan*

          You asked people not to *criticize* your faith.

          You also asked for advice on dating outside your faith: “I’m struggling with the idea to date outside my faith because I don’t think I can inside. Thoughts?”

          1. Treebeardette*

            I asked you to stop. Your focus on this is very odd. This is a safe place and I’m allowed to ask other women and members of my church for help. Others, who aren’t of my faith, have been nice about this.

            Stateing out loud that you’ll “try” not to criticize while trying to explain my religion to me and claim there are stigmas and sterotypes is actually criticising. I’m asking you to move on, there plenty other comments you can focus on.

            1. Anon for this*

              AAM has specifically said that this is not a safe place, it’s a discussion group. Not every response you receive may be to your liking but people are allowed to respond when you post here.

              1. All kinds here*

                Agree with this. If OP had her own forum, she could moderate responses as she likes. I haven’t seen any intentionally disrespectful responses so far. Ones that might miss nuances of LDS or fall into stereotypes I imagine. They clearly greatly offend the OP. I hope treebeardette, that you realize people do genuinely wish you the best, even if you find them unhelpful. It’s okay to be gracious.

                1. SchoolHousePebbles*

                  Removed. Do not post under additional user names to make it look like your position has additional support here; that’s sock puppetry and it’s in bad faith. Dan’s comments were fine. This is not. I normally ban people for this. – Alison

            2. Sylvan*

              How do you want people to address the results of being in a patriarchal religion, without discussing the patriarchal religion? It’s not like they’re bringing up unrelated things about your religion.

    7. c-*

      Captain Awkward has really good advice on how to meet new people as an adult and on how to look for things that you like in dates, maybe look up her “Dating guide for geeks”? Lots of the advice there extrapolates really well to not-geeks.

      Good luck and have fun! I hope you are able to meet nice people.

        1. c-*

          It’s cool to meet a fellow fan! :) If I remember correctly, her blog has a “dating advice” tag, that may be useful for sorting through the archives.

    8. Zooey*

      I’m not in the faith, but I think being very open and explicit about your situation and goals might be the way forward. While lots of LDS men will think that it is important for their wife to give up work, it won’t be true of all, and making in clear in your community/ on dating sites that your faith is important to you AND your work is important might help you find people from the faith who match those feelings (or people from outside the faith who will respect it). And making it clear early on where things stand with you via a vis options /desires for having children is probably also important.

      I know it can be tough when you’re in a ‘minority’ dating wise but as I’ve seen with friends in similar positions, it can happen. Good luck!

    9. Nameless Shark*

      Are you open to dating people outside of your faith? Based on my observation, a couple’s individual personalities and mutual respect for each other’s beliefs will create far greater compatibility than having a shared religion. I know couples with wildly conflicting religious beliefs but they’ve made their marriage work.

    10. Piano Girl*

      I am LDS. I have a dear friend who, like you, is single with a career she loves. Although I know that she has grieved the fact that she will never had children, she has told me that she has had unique opportunities to “parent” others. She has stood by me and others through difficult times, both personally and professionally. I have watched other singles find mates both in and out of the church in their later years. My husband had an LDS mother and a father who was not – and he was a wonderful man.
      As a former leader over the teenage girls of my congregation, I highly encouraged them all to get an education, a philosophy that is becoming more and more prevalent. The more education that anybody gets, the better, no matter if they go on to a career, raise children, or do both, as I did.
      Bottom line, I would encourage you to find what makes you happy, whether that includes marriage or not, in or out of the church. The more of us with careers, the more normal it will be. Good luck!

  30. Maybe a Sugar Baby*

    If this is considered work, I will move to work thread.

    I am looking to become a sugar baby. I’m over conventional relationships. I’m pretty self sufficient and independent. I have children but I’m not looking to have anymore. I’m pretty content in my life overall except I do miss the occasional intimacy and companionship of another.

    Anyone who’s had this relationship on either side, advice? How often did you meet? What were you looking for? Any rules?

    1. pancakes*

      I think one could write a book on the question of whether that’s work or not!

      It didn’t meet him on one of the sugar baby websites that exist these days & haven’t ever used those, but I’ve often dated older men, and in my mid-20s had what turned into a too-conventional relationship with the wealthiest among them. I’m sure it 100% looked like a sugar baby relationship to people who saw us in hotels & restaurants & whatnot. I was already in an open relationship and wasn’t looking for that. We were both initially looking for a very casual thing but fell in love. I mostly had a lovely time and don’t have many regrets about it, but I did end up breaking things off because he was clearly uneasy about me being as independent-minded as I was, and I was uneasy about him wanting to change that about me. The sort of person who is both capable of & wants to splash out financially on a woman that way is probably quite likely to have a set of expectations as to how things will be between them, and the woman being truly self-sufficient and independent is, I think, not likely a big part of those expectations. Jealous and controlling dudes are hard enough to avoid in conventional relationships, even among ostensibly progressive men, and adding an element of extreme wealth imbalance only complicates that.

      I’d be very suspicious, too, of someone who’s very open about their finances with strangers, or purports to be. I dated this guy for several months before I had a real sense of just how wealthy he was, and to me that makes perfect sense. It was clearly a sort of milestone in our relationship when we sat down & had a long talk about it, and it was after I’d met his family. I think it would be very difficult to put yourself out there as someone impressed by or looking for wealthy dudes and not have to filter through hustlers living above their means.

    2. I need tea*

      Why not just casually date, and be clear to anyone you date that you don’t want to follow the relationship escalator? Sugar babying is real work, and falls more into the “work” category than the “relationship (even casual)” one. You need incredibly strong boundaries, you need to handle your own marketing and taxes, you need to do market research and figure out what rates per hour are like and what services are commonly offered, extra grooming, extra research if the client has particular interests they want to discuss and there’s a massive power imbalance between you and a client which will inevitably affect any relationship you have with them, because ultimately you’re providing a service to them… there’s a lot of work that goes into it, and if your goal is occassional intimacy and companionship, you can do that without starting a new side job. It’s a job that involves a lot of time and work outside of actual sessions – this seems a bit like wanting to cook more elaborate dishes, so you take a job as a chef whilst studying a cookery course when you could just treat yourself to a cooking class or try some new recipes.

      1. Not A Manager*

        Is it possible that you are conflating escorts with sugar babies? I’ve known some sugar babies, and typically they do not have anything like a “rate per hour” or even “services” per se. The set-up is usually (in my anecdotal experience through my friends) like a very extreme version of the stereotype of dating in the mid-60’s. The man’s attractiveness is directly tied to his wealth and status, and the woman’s attractiveness is directly tied to a combination of youth, beauty, and ability to be charming and entertaining.

        The “currency” exchanged is lavish experiences, gifts, and sometimes gifts of cash in exchange for few-to-no emotional demands, general availability when desired, a willingness to entertain oneself when not on call, and the ability to appear enthusiastic about whatever interaction is occurring.

        My friends either loved or hated this arrangement, but the ones who loved it really seemed to benefit in a number of ways, including getting some pretty good mentorship.

        1. I need tea*

          Sugar babying is very frequently presented as “not sex work” by sugar babies who want to believe they aren’t doing sex work. The general position by sex work activists is that sugar babying *is* a form of sex work – it’s an exchange of sexual services for money. There generally isn’t a rate per hour, no – but rates per month and availability per month are negotiated, usually involving being available, and providing sexual services is nearly always part of the agreement whether agreed implicitly or not. The services involved may seem less obvious but that doesn’t mean they aren’t there – those lavish experiences come with a significant burden of providing emotional labour that wouldn’t be expected of a casual date. Skilled sugar babies are very good at making the services they provide look like not real work – after all, how much work could be involved in a nice dinner now and then? But in actuality, it involves grooming prior to the date with an eye to what the specific client would enjoy, prepping topics of discussion tailored to the client, providing emotional labour to the client throughout the dinner, and constantly managing boundaries to maintain your privacy. You’re tailoring the whole experience to the client in a way you wouldn’t if you were just casually dating.

          That’s not to say sugar babying is wrong, or that you can’t benefit in other ways – but Maybe a Sugar Baby doesn’t seem to be looking to benefit in those ways, they seem to be looking for occasional intimacy and companionship that presumably won’t infringe on their individuality, and taking on another job isn’t necessarily the best way to achieve that goal and it will colour every aspect of any relationship they develop with any client, and that’s important to consider.

        2. pancakes*

          That was my impression too. I need tea referring to “rates per hour” raised my eyebrows because that’s not legal in the US except in Nevada, and even there brothels have to be licensed.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Yeah I don’t think this is quite what being a sugar baby is. It’s a lot more casual, for lack of a better word.

    3. duckduck*

      I think it is important to be honest with yourself. A sugar baby is sex work and involves all that sex work entails with the good and the bad. Many sugar babies kid themselves they are not sex workers or that they choose their dates or get something out of it more than money or something. Well guess what most sex workers choose their clients and get something out of it other than money sometimes. It’s sex work.

      As a former sex worker let me tell you there is no such thing as a a free lunch. It is hard work. The only people who get an easier time of it are aged 18 – 22, slim, white and preferably blonde and very good looking. They have enough demand they can be choosy and not offer much. Anyone else needs to offer enough to get work and if you’re outside this demographic you may end up taking on clients you’re not keen on or do stuff you’re not keen on.

      If it were so easy to turn a boyfriend into an ATM and have all the same rules apply more people would do it. But once he’s paying he has expectations and it’s not the same as a regular boyfriend who just happens to give you money.

    4. Amalieee*

      I would be interested to know why you want to be a sugar baby versus just having a casual or unconventional relationship. I have been a sugar baby briefly in college and it was a lot of work which just got harder as I got older. I would not recommend unless you truly think through the pros, cons, your boundaries, and do a lot of research.

      1. Blackcat*

        Yeah. A friend of mine is in a similar position–not wanting anything serious after her divorce–and she has never had trouble using Tinder to find guys who want to bang and maybe have breakfast afterwards with zero long-term commitment. I think there are like 3 guys currently in the rotation? Generally people come and go if they do want something serious (like, they want something serious long term, but happy to have a f- buddy in the mean time). But this works well for her and requires little effort. It’s not sex work, just… casual sex. She only does it when her kid is with her ex, because she thinks it’s confusing to expose a young child to a rotating cast of f- buddies.

      2. duckduck*

        Most ‘sugar babies’ are people who can’t admit they want to paid for sex and are sex workers. It’s a dressed up term to make sex work more palatable. Functionally it may imply a higher level of choosiness or more time spent that isn’t sex but it’s still sex work dressed up as something more socially acceptable.

        Any woman of any age or looks who wants a strings free relationship unpaid has no problem finding that. Guys are begging to find women up for casual intimacy and you don’t need to be young and hot. OP needs to admit the sugar baby thing is about the cash. If you want a no strings boyfriend then that’s totally valid and easy to find. If you want to get paid then you want to be sex worker, also fine but it’s a whole different ball game to having a casual boyfriend who doesn’t pay you. I’ve done both – casual boyfriend in an unconventional relationship and sex work. They are world’s apart.

    5. fposte*

      Be aware that this is a big scam area, especially if you’re receiving an offer from someone who has never met you. There are sugar lifestyle forums that can help you with information on how to do this more safely.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Like everyone else said, it’s a job, not a recreation. You don’t get the benefits of companionship because you’re the one that puts in all the emotional labor to be interesting, agreeable, and willing to listen to the most tedious rambling if that’s what s/he wants to do. You don’t get emotional intimacy because the general point of paying is that, again, money takes the place of the emotional effort required to be intimate with someone.

      The sex probably won’t be very good either because they aren’t thinking “I like this person and want them to have a good time,” or even “I’d better make sure they enjoy it or else they won’t want to have sex with me again.” It’s a job they’re paying you to do.

      So… yeah. Do it for the money if you’re gonna do it – not for any hope of good NSA encounters.

      1. duckduck*

        Exactly! So many wannabe sugar babies are kidding themselves. It’s just a socially acceptable term (to some) for sex work and implies a little more choosiness and a little more non sexual time, a little less bang by the hour. But still sex work.

        As a former sex worker OP should know old men are hard work in the bedroom. I am not sure if I can say this on AAM but lets just say it is hard work because one of the words in this sentence is often absent from the occasion.

        1. Pomona Sprout*

          It took me a moment to figure how what you meant, but it suddenly dawned on me, and I burst out laughing! Thanks for the chuckle, even though I know that wasn’t your main goal. :-D

    8. Courageous cat*

      Wow, people are providing a very different take here from what I’ve understood it from friends with similar arrangements. It was an arrangement to be sure, but it was not laid out like work in the way being an escort is. I imagine it varies a lot.

      1. ...*

        Perhaps they didn’t divulge all the dirty details to you to make it sound a little higher end. Im not judging sex work or prostitution, but its just prostitution with a bow on it. (again not making moral judgements) A former friend was kind ‘into’ the SB word and on that seeking arrangement site. So she meets this guy to send foot pictures too. What she would tell our other friends who didn’t know her ‘dirty laundry’ was that she sends foot pics and he sends money. Ok. But he also wanted her to mail him dirty socks and underwear along with extremely graphic photos and videos. But to her more casual friends it was ‘he sends money for a few foot pics’.

      2. Hanna*

        Keep in mind that you only understand your friends’ arrangements based on what they’ve chosen to tell you.

        1. pancakes*

          Of course, but what are the commenters who take for granted that these arrangements involve being paid by the hour and women entirely lacking self-awareness basing their understandings on?

          1. I need tea*

            I believe this is referring to my comment above – the “by the hour” is so you can figure out how much to charge for engagement overall, usually a monthly arrangement of x dates per month lasting y hours. You need to know local rates per hour to help you figure out that kind of information and market your services, such as by offering discounts for extra dates per month etc. Sex work is heavily stigmatised (your comment above implies there’s something wrong with it due to it being criminalized, for example) and so yes, some sugar babies prefer to believe the services they provide don’t fall within sex work or they actively present themselves as “not sex workers” to avoid further stigma and criminalisation.

            My information is based on years of personal extensive research, sex work activism and discussion with sex work activists and academics, attending multiple workshops by and for sex workers, and close friendships (including discussing details and sex work related politics such as “wh*rearchy” and the ways in which that affects ) with over a dozen different sex workers who do various kinds of sex work.

            1. Amalieee*

              Yep. Youre exactly right. I got a monthly allowance but it was based on the going rates and how much time a month we spent together.

            2. Reading along*

              I need tea, thank you for all your clear-eyed comments on sex work being *work*; I’m learning a lot from you and I appreciate it.

      3. Not A Manager*

        No one knows all the details of anyone else’s intimate relationships. But my friends’ experiences were much more similar to what Courageous Cat is saying. I had one friend in college and two in grad school who fit what I would think of as “sugar baby,” although that wasn’t the name at the time.

        They were each dating an older man who had other responsibilities and no desire for a long-term relationship. The men wanted attention and affection from someone who admired them, and they were willing to provide material benefits within that relationship. I don’t think the men or the women thought that the man was “buying” affection with money, but I think they also all knew that the man wouldn’t be as attractive without the money.

        But all of the men wanted to provide a good experience to the girl within the confines of that set-up. They did provide advice and counseling about school and careers. They didn’t interfere with classes or family events or anything like that. They tried to be good lovers. Two of my friends felt real affection for their men and remember the relationship fondly. One had a more complicated takeaway. There was a power differential and ultimately she didn’t feel good about it. But when I was in college I had a few non-sugar relationships with a power differential and I also didn’t feel so great about them.

        Those relationships, from the outside, looked a lot more like “dating with benefits” than they did like sex work, to me.

        1. Amalieee*

          There can be a real difference between dating an older man with money and being a sugar baby though.

        2. duckduck*

          If he didn’t the girl benefits would she still be with him? If the answer is ‘no’ – and it usually is – then that is sex work. Just because you’re not banging by the hour in a brothel doesn’t mean it’s not sex work.

          If the benefits are why you are with someone then it’s sex work. If you wouldn’t date or sleep with him without the gifts, cash, dinners or whatever then it’s sex work.

          Girls are just kidding themselves because they don’t want to admit they are doing prostitution because of the stigma. You can call it soft hooking or light sex work or whatever but it is still under the umbrella of sex work if you would not sleep with him without a ‘benefit’.

          1. Not A Manager*

            I think this is quite harsh. I know a number of people in sad marriages who feel they can’t leave for economic reasons. That doesn’t make them prostitutes. But they literally “wouldn’t [stay married] or sleep with him without the [rent and food money],” so according to your logic, that’s what they are.

            On a lighter note, I also know a lot of people in decent dating relationships who wouldn’t stay in them if the other party suddenly didn’t bring anything economic to the table. But while they wouldn’t continue dating without the economic contribution, they also chose their partner for other reasons as well. It doesn’t mean that they are ONLY dating for the economic contribution.

            Money is a form of currency. But so are lots of other things – attention, attractiveness, emotional availability. And everyone wants *something* in exchange for whatever they are bringing to a relationship. Implying that monetary considerations are completely sordid and that any consideration of material benefit automatically makes one a sex worker is just false. I respect sex workers, and I don’t think it does them any particular favor to be lumped in sugar babies or gold diggers or just people who want to date and marry within a certain economic class.

            1. Fulana del Tal*

              I think you’re being disingenuous if you’re not differentiating between someone in a bad marriage or someone not wanting to date an unemployed/underemployed person and sugar baby/ sex worker. If the only reason you’re with someone is money own it. Like duckduck states a lot of young women don’t want to admit they’re sex workers.

              To me it doesn’t do sugar babies any favors separating them from sex workers.

            2. RagingADHD*

              The idea that staying in a loveless marriage for financial security is a legalized form of prostitution is hardly a new or unconventional take.

              It is, in fact, one of the standard arguments for supporting pay and gender equality. And one of the standard arguments for legitimizing sex work.

              Indeed, Shakespeare cites it in Portia’s plea that Brutus confide in her – that without trust and emotional intimacy, “Portia is Brutus’ harlot, not his wife.”

              If your friends are unhappy in their marriages, I’m surprised they haven’t mentioned similar feelings. It’s a very, very common perspective.

            3. duckduck*

              I think marriage is a different ball game as is wanting to date someone with like a job or some get up and go or that you’re attracted to.

              What I am being clear about is people use euphemisms like ‘dating with benefits’ to describe something like dating a man who buys them expensive dinners, a designer handbag and gives them some ‘pocket money.’ If you would not sleep with that man without those benefits then you’re a sex worker basically. Don’t kid yourself.

              You can get given gifts by a significant other of course. The test is would you be with them without the direct exchange of benefits. For most sugar babies and their clients the answer is a clear no.

            4. Traffic_Spiral*

              “That doesn’t make them prostitutes. But they literally “wouldn’t [stay married] or sleep with him without the [rent and food money],” so according to your logic, that’s what they are.”

              Well, not prostitutes because that’s one specific kind of sex worker, but if you’re having sex basically as “work” because you need to get paid rent and food money… um, yeah. That’s sex work.

              “On a lighter note, I also know a lot of people in decent dating relationships who wouldn’t stay in them if the other party suddenly didn’t bring anything economic to the table.”

              That’s called not wanting to be someone else’s sugar daddy/mama.

    9. RagingADHD*

      You do you, but I am unclear on how being independent and self-sufficient aligns with being a sugar baby?

      I was under the impression that a sugar baby is financially dependent on a man’s whims, and that it entailed catering to his moods and preferences.

      That’s true to a certain extent in any job for a “sole proprietor,” but at least in legally recognized jobs you have some protection to collect wages owed, etc.

      It seems like you’d wind up much less independent.

  32. Teapot Translator*

    Hi everyone, months ago I wrote in for advice for adopting an adult dog vs a puppy. You very sensibly recommended an adult dog, but well, I’m getting my puppy tomorrow morning!!!
    So, what is one piece of advice you would give to a first-time owner of a puppy?

      1. MinotJ*

        Yes! Expensive chew toys seem like an extravagance, but even the widest selection of the fanciest chew toys is cheaper than one of your $150 shoes, or one of your $200 shoes, or one of your perfect $125 shoes that aren’t manufactured anymore.

        Also, why not chew on the drugstore flip flops, puppy? Or once you’ve destroyed half of a pair, why move on to another pair instead of finishing the first pair?

        1. slmrlln*

          Bitter apple spray works wonders when the puppy targets a particular piece of furniture for chewing. We only needed to use it for about a month.

        2. pancakes*

          I’m still mourning a pair of Stephane Kélian heels my dearly beloved and long-departed dog ate in the late 90s. He chewed the straps off one and didn’t touch the other, but what good is one shoe? It wasn’t lack of Nylabones or other suitable chew toys that drove him to it, either – just my idiocy in leaving them out!

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Begin as you mean to go on!

      When my Junior Ambassador was a baby baby, my husband worked in a toxic job and hadn’t started treatment for his mental issues yet, so he came home from work and would just lay on the floor and let her romp all over him and give him all the face kisses and you name it. And it was cute, it was SO cute. But I did not let her romp on me or lick me in the face, because I didn’t want her thinking that was okay. (And I was not as strict with HIM as I should have been about HIM letting her do it, but see also, toxic job and mental issues and puppy kisses make everything better.) What I did instead was let her sleep in my lap while I was working.

      Now, she’ll be six later this month and at full grown, she’s about 50 pounds. Any time my husband lays down, she goes and romps all over him and covers his face with kisses. She won’t lick me in the face (unless she’s really sleepy and I stick my face right up in her face, then I occasionally get a tiny kiss on my nose before she remembers). But I had to replace my desk chair with a big butt-and-a-half armchair because she didn’t register that she didn’t fit in my chair anymore at full size and still insists on climbing up. During the winter, she still naps in my lap. I’m not sure how fifty pounds of dog with six miles of legs curls up that small. When it’s not cold, she usually takes her half of the chair at the back.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Also – be judicial with your toy choices. I didn’t want my dogs learning that stuffy toys are for chewing, because I collect them and have a lot of them around my house and I wasn’t real sure of my ability to teach them to distinguish between “this stuffy is okay to chew” and “this stuffy is not okay to chew”. So I never gave them any stuffy toys, and they have never chewed any of MY stuffy toys. (I also didn’t ever give them squeaky toys because I didn’t want to listen to the squeaking, so now if I DO accidentally give them a squeaky toy they won’t go near it because they don’t like the noise either.) Basically, don’t give them toys that look like things you don’t want them to chew on :)

        1. Generic Name*

          This is so hilarious. My dog loves stuffy toys and squeak toys, and fortunately I have a high tolerance for listening to a constant squeak…….squeak……squeaksqueaksqueak lol My husband is very good about picking up the wads of fluff that inevitably develop within days of getting a new toy. I don’t mind this so much because I love buying new dog toys just about as much as my dog loves destroying them. :)

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            When she was younger, Elder Statesdog was an expert at surgically dismantling catnip toys, but she mostly broke that habit after a couple years when we didn’t have cats who wanted catnip toys, so the current cats’ toys are mostly safe. :)

        2. Teapot Translator*

          Right, I do have a few stuffy toys that are mine (not the dog’s). I’ll avoid stuff toys and squeaky toys (I don’t think I want to hear it constantly during the day).

        1. Katniss Evergreen*

          Watch what stuff you leave in low places/the floor no matter what sized dog you have. My 10 lb. pomeranian mix is part keeshond, and has what the vet lovingly calls “real dog teeth” – I think even without those she’d have been a shred monster as a puppy. She ate tons of weird stuff – among them cardboard boxes under our bed, a phone charge cord (not plugged in, thank god), and the entire baseboard of a crappy bathroom vanity in the apartment when she was all less than 8 months old. She still will eat earplugs if she can get ahold of a stray one, occasionally laundry (like chew a random button off of a shirt), and dirty tissues. She is 7 and will clearly never grow out of it – she even knows it’s wrong because if we catch her she hides in shame and makes a guilty face. It’s disgusting, but I have to admit, often pretty funny.

    3. Sleepy time*

      Just one? Lol. Ok- Crate train. It will make your life so much easier in so many ways. Helps with housebreaking and napping when pup is young; gives the dog a “safe” place of her own; protects your valuables when you’re out (and keeps dog safe); allows others to come in to your house without having to interact with dog (service people don’t need a canine assistant); acclimated dog when she is held at the vet or boarded.

      1. LNLN*

        I second the crate training! We raised 2 guide dogs as well as several family dogs and they all loved their crate. It’s like a den to them. When they are scared or tired or have been naughty, the puppy will head to the crate. And when you need to clean up a mess (dog or man made) you can pop the pup into the crate and make things clean again. Ah, this is making me nostalgic for that puppy smell!!! Enjoy!

      2. sswj*

        Yes to the crate training! And also find yourself a good puppy class – it’s never to early for them to learn. I’m not a fan of the BigBoxStore classes, I prefer actual dog club/organization classes, but if the store version is all you’ve got it’s usually better than nothing. They need the socialization for sure, and they are able to learn simple commands. The key with babies is to be very clear and very consistent, and to keep each session short. Have fun!

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I’m trying to find a puppy class. The last place I checked was full; I guess a lot of people chose to adopt like me.

      3. Teapot Translator*

        I did buy a crate! and it has a blanket and a small pillow. I hope he likes it; I want him to be safe when I have to go out.

        1. Sleepy time*

          Be very careful with the pillow and blanket. If he’s a chewer, he could eat them. Just keep an eye out.

    4. Generic Name*

      One piece of advice? Get used to saying “no” all the time. Don’t worry that you’re being mean by telling a puppy no. Dogs need structure and boundaries, and it’s much easier to train a dog if you correct them early on. Don’t let the puppy run wild and then try to train them out of behaviors that were cute in a 12 lb puppy but are a nightmare in a 50 lb dog.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I need to keep that in mind. If it wouldn’t be cute on a 50 lb dog, it’s not cute now. My dog is a small breed, but it’s still a good idea not to give him a pass just because he’s adorable.

        1. Katniss Evergreen*

          Mentioning my 10 lb pom mix again – she jumps really high, which was adorable when she was 4 lb, but she’s 7 and still occasionally kicks me in the hip when she’s waiting for her treats if she gets too excited (I’m not short either – 5’7″, she really does jump high). If we’d known she’d love it so much and never tire of the habit, we’d have tried harder to train her out of it when she was tiny.

    5. Black Horse Dancing*

      Read and find positive trainers. And socialize your puppy! We took our dogs to puppy class, Tractor Supply, Home Depot, ren fairs, sat on a bench and people watched, etc.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        I’m kind of looking forward to socializing the puppy. I have the appointment with the vet tomorrow so I’ll ask them if I can start right away. I have no idea if the puppy can get anything from the grass right now.

    6. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Puppy training as soon as the pup is old enough/has all its vacs. Honestly? It teaches the human how NOT to confuse the dog, which is surprisingly easy to do.
      And then have all the people that live in the house do the training multiple times a day. Everyday.
      People are always saying to us how well behaved ours is, and ask why. Puppy & intermediate training and 4 household members that all wanted to do it. He’s the BEST doggo. The best. <3 <3 <3

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Aaaaw. I want the best doggo, too. I live alone, so the hard thing will be to get my family to respect my instructions (once I know what the dog needs).

    7. Kara*

      Start training and socialising the puppy as soon as your vet says it’s safe to do so (once they’ve had all the required vaccinations etc). And be prepared to put a LOT of time and effort into training and socialisation for the next few months.

      1. Natalie*

        Nah, don’t wait until vaccinations are finished to socialize your dog – the critical socialization window will have closed. “Socialization” doesn’t mean social interaction with other dogs, it’s more properly acclimating a dog to many unusual aspects of the human world and shouldn’t require any exposure to doggy pathogens. If you’re in an area with a truly high rate of parvo, just take your pup out in a carrier or wagon instead of letting it walk on the ground.

        1. Teapot Translator*

          I already have the appointment with the vet tomorrow, so I’ll ask how I can safely socialize my dog.

        1. Black Horse Dancing*

          The is a book–The Other End of the Leash by Dr. McDougall I believe, She’s an animal behaviorist. Read it! It does a great jobe of showing how primates and canines communicate differently! It opens your eyes as to how humans are really bad at communicating with other species.

    8. Stephanie*

      If you don’t want a dog who begs for food, do NOT feed it anything from the table, ever. If you want to give it a small tidbit of human food, put it in the dog dish.
      We have never fed our dogs from our plates or the table, and they know that our food is off limits. My son’s best friend’s family fed their puppy bites of food all of the time because they thought it was cute, and now that he’s fully grown (and he’s big–70 or 80 pounds), he’ll snatch food right out of your hand as you’re eating it. Not so cute anymore.
      Be patient and consistent. Puppies are very much like newborn babies at first.
      Crate training is awesome, and makes everything easier with a puppy.
      Good luck, and enjoy that amazing puppy smell while it lasts (it is one of the best scents in the world, seriously)!

      1. ThePear8*

        Second this, we knew my mastiff would grow big enough to be able to easily pluck anything from the table if he learned he could – so he never, EVER gets anything from the table, always in his dish.

      2. Teapot Translator*

        Thanks! I still need to know which human foods are safe for my dog, but I’ll be sure to put it in his dish!

        1. Stephanie*

          We don’t give our dogs much in the way of human food, but if you do want to, be sure to ask your vet for a list of things to avoid. I do know that onion and garlic are toxic to dogs, as well as grapes. Our dogs absolutely love fresh bread, weirdly enough.

        2. Black Horse Dancing*

          I give my dog carrots, meat, peanut butter– right now he’s licking out the lasanga pan. No to chocolate, garlic, onions, raisins. I do feed from the table but my dog knows to sit, stay and not beg. He merely waits impatiently to lick the plate clean.

    9. BellaDiva*

      Have a “no” word that isn’t actually “no”, so she doesn’t get confused when she hears you use the word in normal conversation. It could be “uh uh” or “phooey”, or “kaplank” or whatever you want.

    10. JKP*

      Play with his feet and his mouth every day as part of rubbing/petting him down, so he doesn’t fight having his nails clipped and teeth brushed.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This! I think most dog owners worry about random bites. Handle the pup, put a finger in his mouth. Rub his paws. Act happy, use a silly voice.
        I got bit once when I was five y/o. I was putting food INTO the dinner dish. It was MY fault somehow. Now, I train all my pups that their dinner dish can be taken away while they are eating. Key part: I add more food and praise them up and down for being so goood. I now have a 60 pound dog with eye teeth that would scare any thinking person, who does not bat an eye, if I reach for his food dish. He “knows” for a fact he will get more food.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And ears. I stumbled on this by pure luck. ..I loved my childhood stuffy’s long floppy ears so when we got a cocktail spaniel I played with them too. (Be extremely gentle, and don’t try this if either of you feels jumpy, or if there’s fireworks or other startling sounds.)
        The luck is that when she got ear mites, she’d let clean & treat her ears. Not even mom could get her to hold still for that, and mom was the source of food. She also let me groom her — clippers and all.
        I could also take things out of her mouth –possibly life-saving the time she got into the garbage can and we heard bones splinter.
        About training classes, also look online. No it provides no extra socialization for the puppy, but at least half of obedience training for the first-time dog owner is for the human to learn how to consistently speak Dog.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      I think my number one piece of advice is, “If x behavior will become annoying over time, then it cannot be cute and adorable today.” This covers jumping on you, taking your food, barking, etc. I don’t even teach my dogs to play tug, because they will guess wrong at some point and tug on the wrong thing with me. Set rules and be consistent. If you found you are too strict you can loosen up the rules.

      With pups you have to deliberately create fun things or else it can feel like all you do is correct behavior. My current dog was a mouthy pup. He would nibble on my hands when I held him. So I stuffed a toy in his mouth then picked him up. He was fine with that. He has never forgotten being in my lap. I got an over-sized chair to hold the two of us and we nap together. I use lots of redirects with the pups so I am not sounding like “that angry person” all the time.

    12. Amy*

      Congratulations on your new pup!

      As others have mentioned, socialization is SO important! It has gotten harder in the age of COVID (depending on where you are) but you really have to put in the effort to do it. The socialization window closes at 14-16 weeks (about the time they are finishing their puppy vaccines) so you do need to get out and do it before they are fully vaccinated, but just be careful. Keep up with the puppy vaccine series, go to upscale areas where there tends to be lower risk of unvaccinated dogs wandering around, stay away from dogs with unknown vaccination status, and for the love of pete, no dog parks! One behaviorist I’ve worked with recommends going on fun trips to Lowe’s or Home Depot because they’re full of machines, men, weird sounds, and other things dogs commonly develop fears of. Hopefully you can find some friends who love dogs (and ideally have vaccinated dogs of their own) to set up play dates with because with social distancing in place it’s easy for puppies to get the idea that strangers are scary, since most people are actively avoiding them right now.

      There are some great socialization checklists out there – check out Sophia Yin and/or Ultimate Puppy. https://ultimatepuppy.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/ultimatepuppy_social_schedule_NEW.pdf

      Be aware that socialization is NOT the same as training. You should also start training (housetraining, sitting for treats, stopping play if puppy gets mouthy, etc.) as soon as puppy comes home. But socialization has a finite window and doing it right will save you a lot of headaches down the road.

    13. ThePear8*

      Lots of good advice already on socializing etc, so I’m gonna say – start house training right away!
      Don’t use pee-pads, they will get chewed. Train your dog from the get-go to go outside.
      At the start, take your puppy out every 30 minutes. It seems often, but it really works, and puppies especially have small bladders and won’t be able to hold it in as long as an adult dog. If you know they drank water recently, be vigilant and possibly take them out even sooner. Wait until they finish their business – don’t say anything during – and then give them lots and lots of praise. They’ll get the hang of it pretty soon if you stay consistent.
      Accept that inevitably, there will be accidents – you can call it out if you catch them in the act, but if you discover it afterward, don’t scold them as the moment has passed and they won’t understand what they did wrong. Just be prepared to clean up the mess. Make sure to use some chemical like Nature’s Miracle spray to spray the spot and get rid of the smell so they don’t come back and pee there repeatedly.
      Also, be prepared to be up early. Puppies are like toddlers – they need a lot of play and then a lot of rest, and they will wake you up at 5am to go outside and pee. Remember it’s temporary and they’ll grow out of it.
      Above all, be patient and loving with your puppy. They can be a handful sometimes, especially during the mouthing phase. They will need time and guidance, but if you put in the effort it is so worth it for an unconditionally loving and loyal companion.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Every 30 minutes! I was thinking every hour, but I’ll try to take him out every 30 minutes when he’s awake.
        I’m going to sleep on the living room couch at first because that’s where his crate is. Hopefully, I’ll hear him when he wakes up. I’m already thinking of what I’ll be sleeping in so I can go out quickly.

        1. Sleepy time*

          If it’s a small breed, that means tiny bladder so very frequent outings are essential. Because of the tiny bladder issue, a lot of smaller dogs take longer to housebreak; they just can’t hold it. Be patient with yourself and the pup. Pear8 has solid advice on the training.

    14. PuppyLove*

      Good luck! The thing that I wish someone had told me is that the house is a dog toilet for what seems like forever. But it only SEEMS that way. the constant accidents will eventually stop.

      Even if the puppy is claimed to be housebroken, make sure you’re scheduling frequent potty breaks. Puppy bladders are teeny and control isn’t always there.

    15. Nita*

      The chewing. It’s not a bad habit, it’s their mouth being very itchy from teething. Dogs lose their baby teeth in their first year, and they need teething toys so they don’t chew the house to bits. Hide anything you don’t want chewed, and make sure any poisonous houseplants are out of reach. And don’t freak out, like I did, if you see that all this chewing caused a tooth to fall out (I feel dumb now, but it took me a few minutes to realize that’s a baby tooth).

  33. Catbus*

    I have a wonderful 15-year-old Non-binary kid with Asperger’s. Unfortunately, the lack of school and activities, plus COVID related snacking, has led to a precipitous weight gain in the past few months. Because they already have body issues, I’ve been very hesitant to bring up their weight gain. When I have brought it up in the context of “being healthy and able to do things,” they have told me they don’t care about conventional beauty standards (that’s fair, neither do I), and that they hate their breasts and want surgery to remove them. In their rather rigid thinking on this topic right now (that’s the Asperger’s), nothing can happen until surgery, so why bother making anything else better?

    Well, that _was_ the situation. As of yesterday, they are ready to start exercising so their pectoral muscles will be strong for the post-op recovery process. I’m so pleased we’re over this mental block!

    So here’s my question. I already have a ton of resources for cis women’s fitness, because that’s what I do. And I can easily find a ton of resources for cis men’s fitness. Are there any fitness, nutrition, weight management sources (books, plans, blogs, videos, podcasts) by / for / about (1) Non-binary or non-gender-conforming people, (2) teens, (3) the Asperger’s syndrome crowd, (4) AFAB pre-top-surgery fitness and surgery preparation, (5) any combination of the above??? I have been googling on my own, but so far I have found only very generic advice. I know this crowd is filled with a diversity of helpful people. Thanks for any input!!!

    1. Aly_b*

      I don’t have any resources personally but one thing you could try is writing in to Vice’s Ask A Swole Woman column. She’s got her finger much more on the pulse of what resources are out there and is definitely trans/enby friendly.

    2. Summersun*

      Not sure if this is appropriate, since it is geared towards women, but there’s a book/program by Kellie Davis called Strong Curves. It’s meant for creating muscle and strength in a woman’s body (instead of a delicate slim look). May be a way to get started, since your kid is still in a body that reacts (hormonally) like a woman’s?

    3. Generic Name*

      Gosh, I never really thought about looking for non-gendered fitness advice, and now my brain is exploding thinking that there might not be all that much out there. What about stuff like CrossFit or orange theory? Those don’t strike me as particularly gendered and I know both men and women do those programs. CrossFit focuses on strength and performance and orange theory focuses on aerobic fitness, and neither strike me as focusing on how you look (even if that is the goal of folks who participate). I’m also wondering if they don’t mind the additional weight because their breasts read more as “rolls of fat” rather than “breasts” and they are more comfortable in a body that doesn’t have breasts.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I’ve found non-gendered fitness advice when trying to figure out how to exercise around my disabilities, but that’s obviously not helpful here!

      2. That Girl from Quinn's House*

        I used to teach senior fitness classes and most of the material available to instructors is more focused on health and function and not appearance. Most of the people who take senior fitness courses are either older adults, or younger adults with health restrictions that mean they have similar workout needs to older adults. So a lot of the workout advice is oriented around health outcomes (building endurance, flexibility, improving heart function and breathing, ability to participate in target activities) and only a little bit around weight goals, and very little of it is around appearances or looking sexy.

        Senior fitness has a MUCH healthier and medically sound outlook on fitness than what gets marketed to younger people.

        1. Catbus*

          I like that idea and I would not have thought of it on my own. In old age, the differences between sexes really do become less and less noticeable. No one is building any muscle at that age (well, except for that one grandma on instagram) — they’re focusing on mobility and maintain what they have.

      3. Catbus*

        It’s rough. Anything where the instructor says something seemingly innocent like “All right, ladies,” or even having two set workouts (one for men and one for women), and my kid is already OUT. “Well I guess that doesn’t APPLY to ME…”

        It would be so helpful to get fitness stuff where gender is not mentioned at all!

    4. KoiFeeder*

      I’ve seen fitness advice for trans men wrt to the top surgery thing somewhere, so I know it exists! I just… don’t remember what it was or where I saw it.

      1. Catbus*

        If it comes back to you please comment — I’ll check back! But also you gave me the idea to just contact the local gender clinic and ask them. I’m sure they have resources! So thanks!

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I’ve been looking for it, but I’ve only found stolen pieces of it on pintrest, not the full thing :(

    5. Saddesklunch*

      Honestly Instagram might be the easiest place to start looking. Decolonizing fitness is one account that comes to mind.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      No advice to offer in response to your question, but I’m chiming in to say what an awesome parent you are. I used to volunteer as a peer counselor on an LGBTQ+ hotline, and we received so many calls from teens who were terrified of sharing their non-binary identity with their parents because the consequences would be awful. You are awesome!

      1. Catbus*

        Awww thank you. We are trying, in uncharted waters. It took me about 2 years to consistently get the they/them pronouns right… which my kid is always happy to remind me of. ;)

    7. Alexandra Lynch*

      I do know this: The better shape they are in before they have surgery, the easier the surgery will be and the easier the recovery will be. What I guarantee they don’t want is to go in at 18 and have the surgeon say they need to lose weight first. They also want to have eating habits that work for them so that once they get the top surgery they don’t gain weight and have a shape come up they don’t like and that feels dysmorphic.

      I’m not-quite-cis, and on the spectrum. I have also had losing weight as my year’s big project. So far I’ve lost 45 pounds. (Would be more, but COVID and moving house in the middle of that stalled it.) I know that having had three large babies my abs have split and the only thing that fixes that is surgery. But I also know that I have to get to a good weight and maintain for six months for the surgery, and any other surgeries for loose skin that I may feel I need. If I went to a surgeon right now, he’d say, “Finish losing weight, and when you stabilize, call me.” The weight is the first step. The surgery is the next step.

      I focus not so much on sexual attractiveness, but on being strong. I kink(and it’s almost something deeper than that) for being strong. Able to lift and carry and walk and do more than anyone thinks I can. Just as I like being smarter and more well read and more thoughtful than most people are. And I like strong people in my life. Strong, confident people will be attractive to other people regardless of bent. And not just in a sexual sense. People want to be friends with them; they want to help them out at work. So I would tell them, work on becoming strong and flexible, and get ready for the surgery, and it will serve you well in life afterwards, too.

      1. Anon for this*

        I find humility and a genuine regard for and interest in others to be attractive qualities to cultivate, rather than seeking to be superior.

      2. Catbus*

        Thanks for this — first hand knowledge of this kind of issue is just what I was looking for. I will pass along to my teen that surgeons won’t do the procedure if the weight issue is unresolved; I bet that will help them with motivation. Best of luck to you in your quest!

        1. Anon Lawyer*

          Do not do this and do not listen to this person who is talking about “kinking” on strong bodies. The poor kid needs nothing less than their parent haranguing them about their weight, even if it’s kindly meant. Do some research into studies on this – even “nice” comments about weight from parents do damage for YEARS to come. The surgeon may or may not have weight rules, and your kid may or may not be over them. You don’t need to guess in order to “motivate” them to lose weight.

          1. Anon Lawyer*

            Also, like, teenagers are super good at google. Why not just support the exercise they want to do instead of asking random strangers on the Internet? It sounds like you’re invested in your kid’s weight in a kind of dangerous way.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          Wow, no, please do not listen to Alexandra Lynch. “Kinking” over strong bodies? What even is that.

    8. AGD*

      You sound like an awesome parent!

      I know that Lydia X. J. Brown (Autistic Hoya) blogs about being non-binary and autistic (and a person of color), and about what these groups often have in common in terms of misconceptions and mistreatment.

      My enby friend who had top surgery worked with a personal trainer – possibly an option? Not particularly helpful to the community in general, though!

    9. Elizabeth Bennett*

      What about a non-gendered sport? I practice taekwondo. Except for competition categories, at least in my experience, all genders work out together, spar one another, etc., and the fitness expectations are not gender or appearance based. Plus everyone wears the same uniform…which is gender neutral. You’d want to check out the school culture, because it can vary, but in a healthy training environment with healthy leadership, my experience has been overwhelmingly positive – though I am speaking as a cis woman (who is super sensitive to gender bias & resists conventional gender expectations).

      1. Elizabeth Bennett*

        Oh, I also wanted to add that the studio where I train is also seems to be non-neurotypical friendly. I trained for several years next to and with a teen with Asperger’s and it was amazing to watch him learn and grow over the years. So, a good studio would work with special issues, as well. A lot of places are meeting on zoom right now.

      2. Catbus*

        They were doing beginning fencing before COVID, and the studio has reopened with strict social distancing requirements so I’m hoping they can restart. That’s great because the body armor and face mask really de-genderizes everyone!

    10. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

      Do you have junior roller derby anywhere nearby. As a sport it’s (generally) super enby/gender non-conforming/trans friendly, and focuses on health and strength, not size, which can be super helpful. There are also likely to be a lot of adults, including coaches who are autistic and/or enby around.

      1. Catbus*

        We definitely did have junior roller derby in the area, but I know they had to move their location and I’m not sure of their COVID reopening status. My concern with roller derby was always the noise. It’s really loud, and my teen has sensory stuff going on that makes loud, echoing spaces a problem for them. Maybe with earplugs and earphones on??

    11. Chuck*

      Trans guy here. I recommend swimming although I understand that given dyphoria it might not be for your kid (also maybe it’s not good for sensory issues-my relatives on the spectrum both hate putting their heads under water). Pre-top surgery I used to swim in board shorts and a rash top with a loose binder underneath (old sports bra might work too). When I was dysphoric I used to greatly prefer solo physical activities so maybe something that could be done from home would be suitable for your kid as well. There’s a lot of workout routines and excercises on youtube, I used to do a set of easy dumbell exercises but not sure I would recommend that for your kid given their age

      1. Catbus*

        Thanks for the first hand experience — so helpful. My teen is one of those who loves the full body sensation of being underwater, so I think swimming would be great. They have a full-coverage body suit (long sleeves) that they picked out and that I think looks great, but now they think it makes them look like a girl so they won’t wear it. It’s such a pity, because before puberty all they wanted to do was swim and run around, and now they won’t do either one because of breasts. Anyway, maybe if we can get over the swimsuit thing they can get back into the water! Thanks again — swimming is such good exercise.

  34. DIY advice*

    I’ve run out of personal projects to do so now I’m moving onto fixing up the house. with plans to sell in about 2-3 years. I’m redoing my powder bath and upgrading features from shiny chrome builder-grade. I’m upgrading most of the hardware, but I’m wondering about the lighting. Should I change the lighting too? I don’t mind the vanity lighting now (it’s a wall sconce with 2 bulbs) but I could change it to something more my style. The other bathrooms have the exact same sconces/lighting types so the matchy-matchy makes me hesitant to change the lighting.

    2. Ranon*

      I’m a total lighting snob but I can’t imagine you’d get your money’s worth out of it unless you hate the fixture- even inexpensive fixtures are not that cheap and the good looking stuff can be quite expensive. I’d keep half an eye on your local reStore in case you see a deal on something you like but otherwise I’d consider better bulbs (90+ CRI/ color rendering can really make a difference in a bathroom) and leave the fixtures be

  35. blaise zamboni*

    Piggy-backing off c_g2’s post above (but different enough that I don’t want to hijack their comment):

    Anyone have tips for where to buy relatively large display cases that aren’t super expensive? I need it to be roughly 10-12″ long, 6-8″ wide and probably about 8″ tall. Doesn’t have to be those specifications exactly but I have trouble finding anything that large on even one dimension, let alone all three. I found a lot of larger cases that are specialized, like to display a basketball or something, so the floor of the case has a plastic stand embedded that can’t be removed. I could try to make that work but it seems silly that I can’t just find a big plastic case with a flat floor. Any ideas?

    In case it helps to know the project – I used to be into “vulture culture” and still have a few boxes of skeletons. None of my specimens are very complete, mostly just a lot of skulls, so I want to create a few little ‘landscapes’ to display them rather than getting a bunch of small cases for each piece. Basically I’m trying to go for a Natural History Museum type of vibe with the kind of cases/materials I use.

    Thank you in advance for any suggestions! :)

    1. fposte*

      It sounds like you’re talking those clear acrylic boxes (I was thinking of cabinets at first and got confused). Amazon has 12x8x8 for $32.99; that may be more than you want to spend, but I suspect the bigger ones are just going to be considerably more expensive.

    2. Reba*

      We use various kinds of decorative glass cases with brass trim that we have gotten over the years from Crate and Barrel, West Elm, and Wayfair.

      We use them in basically the same way, for our collection of mostly sea things.

    4. C Average*

      If you’re not already browsing Craigslist, I’d recommend it. A number of businesses are, sadly, closing up shop due to Covid and selling off their fixtures, including display cases, and you might stumble across something perfect.

      I’m redoing our backyard and have scored so much great stuff for free or cheap from Craigslist lately.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Really good idea. When Kmart went out they were selling their fixtures to anyone with money. You don’t have to be a business to buy this stuff. Companies will unload anyway they can.

    5. StrikingFalcon*

      You may be able to get clear plexiglass and the right kind of adhesive (there are aquarium specific ones but for what you need, any plexiglass appropriate adhesive should work fine) and make your own. Past a certain size, this is the cheapest option.

    6. Ron McDon*

      You can get made-to-measure acrylic boxes made really cheaply (at least, you can in the UK!). I had to price up a trophy display cabinet for the school I work at, but we didn’t want glass due to the risk of breakage and cuts – I got several quotes from companies online at around £30. I was shocked it was so cheap!

  36. CatCat*

    Looking for ideas for hobbies that can be done at home and don’t involve a lot of stuff to do the hobby. I live in an apartment and already have hobbies that require a lot of supplies so there’s not really much left by way of space for more supplies.

    1. Leap Day Highway*

      For a while I was really into making collages, either on paper or on objects/decoupage. You just need old magazines and scissors and glue/modpodge! I used it sort of like journaling – cutting out words that spoke to me and making sort of found-language poetry on a background of assorted pictures. I found it very soothing to do while listening to audiobooks.

    2. OyHiOh*

      Origami – probably the simplest. Squares of paper and instructions (lots of good instructions via internet). I like using magazine paper and have friends who collect mags for me. Makes lovely mobiles, 3D collages, or small/low stakes gifts.

      Quilling – strips of paper and glue to secure ends. Can buy precut strips or cut your own. I like advertising that has a solid background color for quilling. Shapes can be used to sculpt a photo frame or box, decorating a card, etc.

      Decopage – to do it well on wood items requires a bunch of specialized tools and materials and lots of time but can transform simple cheap wood items into timeless gifts.

      I use all of the above to make 3D pieces that fit somewhere between 3D collages and sculpting.

      1. JobHunter*

        In a similar vein, quilling. You just roll strips of paper into coils and glue them to a backing material. There are lots of examples on Pinterest.

    3. Caterpie*

      Jigsaw puzzles! They do require a bit of surface space, however. Its nice to do them in front of the TV or while listening to audiobooks/podcasts too.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        And if you don’t have the space, I recommend the Magic Jigsaw Puzzles app. My laptop is a 2-in-1, so I can turn it into a tablet and do puzzles on the 15.6-inch screen. All the puzzle fun without losing pieces or trying to keep the cats away from them! It also works well on a smaller tablet. There is a phone version, but it’s not quite as much fun since there isn’t much room to work on a large section of the puzzle.

      3. Firefly*

        I have a puzzle roll which is a cardboard tube with felt that lets you roll up a partially-finished puzzle to store it for later. Love it!

    4. Forensic13*

      Something that involves creating non-physical objects? Writing, making a podcast, YouTube videos, etc?

    5. HannahS*

      Watercolours (pad of paper, some brushes, a small watercolour palette)–I’ve been using YouTube tutorials and it can be fun, despite my being fairly terrible at it! Same with something like calligraphy.

      Cooking is a good one, because you can eat what you make–I’ve taken up making big batches dumplings; you just need the freezer space. I like dumplings in particular because it involves a lot of what I enjoy about baking–the tactile stuff–without being many many batches of cookies that I can’t pawn off on my coworkers.

    6. Alex*

      What about a musical instrument? (a quiet one?) A guitar doesn’t take up much space. I keep mine under my bed. Finger picking is soft and won’t bother the neighbors.

    7. CJM*

      My cousin has been creating colorful mandalas by hand and finds it soothing and meditative. I think her only supplies are paper and gel pens. She sent me one that I’m framing to hang on my den wall. It’s gorgeous, and so are the others that she posts on Facebook.

      I’m really into Sudoku since the pandemic started. I enjoy how my brain works in two realms as I play: I calm myself with numbers and logic while daydreaming about plans and people. I prefer to play printed games on a clipboard while I rest on the couch. My dollar store sells books of Sudoku, and I think you can find free games online (to print out or play online).

  37. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Pondering the pros and cons and logistics of pre-retirement snowbirding. It’s probably not likely any time soon, we have a lot of pets (two dogs, three cats, four snakes) and while I work full time from home, my husband’s job is still not inclined to let him work remotely full time. But I don’t handle our Midwestern winters super well, so it’s an interesting mental exercise to consider. Anyone have any snowbirding experience, either pre or post retirement?

    1. Clisby*

      Not experience, but it seems to me an obvious pro would be finding out whether you like living in a particular place, which you won’t really know just from taking some vacations there. That is, I can guarantee you’d like a SC winter better than a Cleveland winter – but would you like SC as much as OH? (I’m from SC but lived almost 9 years in OH and loved it – so I don’t assume the answer is yes.)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It works for a while, then it doesn’t work. That sounds negative, sorry. I am not a good risk taker, so this is where that comes from. We have plenty of snowbirds around here. After some time passes they have to decide where they will stay year round. This is because of age/health/finances. For me, the only way I could consider it is if I figured out where I wanted to be as I aged. Snowbirding would be temporary in my mind.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      I have 3 diff sets of family that is trying this – an Air-bnb type house for a month (one, is three months) in different locations each winter. So far, FL, TX and AZ each have different cousins spending the winter month (February being the most popular one to escape the frozen hinterlands). Remote work for one, retirement for the other family member, or some combo that allows WFH flexibility.

      Each family group picked a location with a starting point – other relatives or friends there, etc.

      My one cousin is now returning to the same location this upcoming winter (a longer stay) – AZ. Another bought a second home in FL after their 2nd winter there (they have other family close by).

      So it can be done…

  38. Oily Kitchen*

    I have a contractor-grade kitchen, so thin cheap laminate countertops and pressed-board insides to the cabinets.

    We store our cooking liquids in a cabinet under the island (oils, sherries, wines, soy and fish sauces) in glass or plastic jugs. The bottom of the cabinet is lined with paper towels. We’re always careful to wipe drips before putting anything away, but I’m still noticing an increase in oily odor inside the cabinet. It’s gotten strong enough now that I can smell it while standing besides the cabinet with the door closed.

    I’ve tried a white vinegar wash, standard kitchen surface cleaner, and even rubbing alcohol on the inside of the cabinet (not all at once, over a period of a few weeks). I washed all the container outsides as well. It still smells oily. Any other ideas?

    (I know renovating the kitchen would fix it, but this is not our forever home, and that isn’t a level of expense we’re willing or able to take on.)

    1. Enough*

      Maybe a light sanding if possible. Then paint the floor (possibly walls as well). This would be easier to clean and should seal in orders. Then put down something less porous then the paper towels. A metal tray, contact paper, or even aluminum foil.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yeah, I was going to suggest painting with A sealing primer like kilz. Also consider that maybe the jars themselves need to be cleaned or tossed. I kept smelling a gross smell in my pantry for a while and I kept cleaning and scrubbing the insides. Then I found the culprit: a jar of rancid coconut oil. D:

      2. Pharmgirl*

        Yes, you can get some kitchen cabinet or drawer liners at bed bath and beyond or target. I have some plastic ones that work really well.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I would spray the entire interior with Goo Gone, let it sit, wipe it out completely and then wash with soap and water. Put some baking soda into a shallow dish and let it sit inside the cabinet.

      I keep my jugs o’ stuff in plastic bins. It’s easier to find a particular item if you can pull out a bin of six things and pick it out, rather than have to push everything around, and the bins themselves are easy to wash occasionally with soapy water.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      Check for rancid oils? I think a wash with dishwashing liquid (specifically the kind advertised to handle grease and oil spills) might help too. Last ditch if you can’t determine that any of the oils has gone bad just by smell/look would be just dumping all the oils you currently have and starting over with freshly cleaned containers. I couldn’t tell that our peanut oil had gone bad until I tried to cook with it. Wow, bad way to find out!

      Once you do have it cleaned out, I’d recommend putting down sticky shelf paper on the bottom and up the sides a bit. It makes wiping up oil spills much easier and they won’t soak into the wood/pressed board.

    5. 00ff00Claire*

      I would also double check that it’s the cabinet and not a container and / or one of the actual liquids. If there’s nothing visibly stained on the cabinet but you’re pretty confident that’s what it is, I would try some baking soda – sprinkle in a bowl or on a plate that you can set under there for a few days. Or sprinkle directly onto the shelf if it would be possible to to clean it up. There are also some products that are supposed to remove odors from the air. They are small containers with holes in the top. They are similar to fragrances air fresheners, but the good ones had no scent or a subtle one. Odoban brand has one I believe. You could also get some shelf liners that would not allow drips to soak through to the shelf itself to prevent the problem from returning or worsening.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Oil gets into the air and indiscriminately coats everything.

      The best example I have is old timers used to oil their clocks by putting a pan of oil underneath the clock. Eventually every single part of the clock would become greasy with oil. (Please do not do this to your antique clock, it’s not a desirable result.)

      I would stop using paper towels period. Perhaps you can find a washable tray – glass, plastic, metal that you can line the bottles up on.
      And I would try using blue Dawn to really clean out the cabinet. Be sure to wash the inside of the door and if there are shelves be sure to do the “ceiling” of each shelf space. If the shelves come out, then take them right out so you can really see what is going on.

      Just so cleaning does not mean a big drill each time, you may want to store the oils away from everything else. Don’t forget each item in the cupboard is also coated with oil.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      First, make sure your cooking liquids are not source of the smell. Remove them from the kitchen entirely for a day or two and do a sniff test. If it IS the cabinet, ask a place that deals with cabinets what they’d recommend.
      Just FYI: I place all oil-based items in shallow waterproof containers (pie tins, etc.) to prevent the oils from soaking into my cabinets. Oils can be very difficult to remove from a non-washable, absorbent material.
      I hope the solution to your oily smell is simple and inexpensive.

    8. Artemesia*

      I’d sand it and then line with a vinyl stick on shelf liner so you can clean the oil when it leeks. I used a plastic shelf liner in my cabinets and it really does allow me to clean the oil/vinegar cabinet when needed. I’d never use something like paper towels which won’t keep the inevitable drips from soaking into the wood.

  39. Keymaster of Gozer*

    People with dry skin/eyes/mouth etc issues?

    Mine are caused by medications and I can mostly manage them but I’ve got a recurring problem with lip cracking that then bleeds….for ages and won’t stop. 15 minutes later it’s still going. This caused an interesting problem on a video call yesterday as I had to hold up a tissue constantly!

    Tips on how to either stop it from bleeding or cover it up better?

    (Have tried Vaseline but it bled through it)

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Query: cheap or expensive? I’ve got a tube of Elizabeth Arden 8 hour stuff I’ve had for a decade that generally helps but isn’t working in this case.

        1. My Brain Is Exploding*

          Not expensive. Carried in local stores here, may be more expensive to order. I think now there’s one just for lips not the other one would probably be ok, too. Best thing ever for when the skin on your fingers cracks.

    2. Blackcat*

      I also have try skin caused by some meds. Have you talked to your doctor about if it’s safe to just increase water consumption? I drink 4-5 liters of water a day, about 2x a normal human, and it helps a lot.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Adding my tea consumption to my fizzy water consumption and I’m around the 3 litre mark I think. I’ll ask my pharmacist if any of my meds (too numerous to list) would be affected by additional water consumption.

        Got to speak to the GP though about my antipsychotic dose on Monday so I could work in asking about water then. Good tip, thanks!

    3. Generic Name*

      Lanolin. It is decidedly non-vegan, but I swear by it. It seems to have antimicrobial properties too. It’s commonly sold as a balm for breastfeeding mothers.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Am omnivore so no worries on vegan stuff. Also, live in the countryside so have ready access to sheep wool etc. Will definitely try that, it’s likely my MIL has some actually (she spins her own wool)

        1. Clisby*

          Lanolin feels great on the skin – plus, I like the smell. I like good old reliable petroleum jelly as well – especially in winter, I rub it all over after every shower.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Tried a dry mouth spray on the recommendation of the pharmacist which helps with not getting food stuck in my throat but doesn’t seem to do anything for the frequently cracked upper lip.

    6. Summersun*

      What helped me was not just treatment, but prevention: Rinse your mouth thoroughly, and clean your lips and the corners of your mouth, as soon as you finish eating or drinking. Just dabbing with a napkin isn’t good enough. Actually wash, like you’re doing a miniature version of your night-time face routine. All the acids in foods and beverages are sitting on your skin and contributing to the problem.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Problem with that is I don’t have the energy to wash my face after every drink. Nice idea for others though!

        1. Summersun*

          Gently, the idea is that the only thing you should be sipping all day long is water. If you’re consuming caloric drinks constantly, rather than just during scheduled meals, then yes–you’re going to have problems.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Just holding a damp wash cloth to your lips afterwards cleans off irritating food and drink. This also moistens your lips. Put balm on lips immediately after to seal in the moisture.

        Also, applying a good balm before eating and drinking can protect your lips from irritating food and drink.

    7. AnonymousNurse*

      I was on Accutane for a year which caused terrible lip dryness. I swear by Aquaphor (the lip one) and it was the ONLY thing that helped.

      1. A313*

        I was going to suggest aquaphor also. It’s got petroleum jelly in it, but it’s somehow thicker and stays on much longer.

        1. Stephanie*

          I was going to say the same thing. Aquaphor is a lot more effective than plain petroleum jelly, and I’m not sure why. And it’s really cheap and easy to find.

    8. PX*

      My top tip is to use Vaseline regularly. If you only use it when your lips are cracked it’s too late. Personally it’s part of my night time routine, just before going to sleep I give my lips a good coating of vaseline. That alone tends to keep my lips in good condition, other than during winter when usually I need a bit bit more if I’m out and about.

      Otherwise make sure your general hydration levels are good and that should help.

    9. Jody*

      I had chapped lips my whole life and used various chap sticks and lip balms. Nothing helped until I started using CocoCare’s coacoa butter lip balm.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      Be sure to mention it to the prescribing doc that this is a problem. It’s still fairly close to summer and humidity, in the dead of winter this could be an even larger problem.

      You could consider adding healthy oils to your diet.
      For me, I’d want to look at my soaps. I use an organic body wash and that has helped dry skin issues.
      If you have hard water and no water softener you can add baking soda to your bath.

      I was using a product called “Fast Heal” from a health food store. I have never seen anything close a small wound so fast. It stings but only for a second or two. I used to wait for the little sting because it seemed to indicate the product would work soon. Now I can only find it online. I thought it was a bit spendy but it did work well for me.

    12. Wishing You Well*

      I have very dry skin. I use Chapstick or equivalent multiple times a day. I have lip balms all over the house so I can reach for it whenever my lips feel dry.
      My fingertips used to crack and bleed in the winter. I use Working Hands to prevent that.
      Hope you find something that works for you.

    13. MsChanandlerBong*

      O’Keeffe’s products are the only thing that helped my dry skin without aggravating my scent sensitivity/allergies. I applied their lip stuff for two nights, and my cracked lip was all better on the second morning. Their lotions and foot creams are awesome, too.

    14. Anono-me*

      Liquid skin spray (one brand is Nu Skin) to stop the bleeding immediately.

      Check with your doctor about the dry mouth, maybe your dosage can be tweaked. Also flax or fish oil supplement might help longer term.

    15. Chaordic One*

      Hydrocortisone ointment.

      Originally, my doctor gave me a prescription for one, but I find that the OTC brands with a slightly lower amount of hydrocortisone work as well as the prescription for me. Make sure to stick to the ones with a petroleum jelly (Vaseline) base, as those work much better than the various and more common hydrocortisone creams and gels for chapped and cracked lips.

      “Cortizone 10” and “Cortaid” are two widely available brands, but there are many store brand versions which work as well and cost a bit less. I used to get the store brand of hydrocortisone ointment at Target, but they were out the last time I was there and I broke down and bought the more expensive “Cortisone 10.”

      Apply it regularly before sleeping and then during the day as needed and after eating and/or drinking. After it heals you might want to moisturize your lips with plain petroleum jelly at night and if they are unusually dry during the day.

      1. A313*

        Don’t use hydrocortisone for more than a day or two on your face, and definitely not more than once or twice those 2 days. Hydrocortisone thins the skin, and in this instance would likely lead to more bleeding/cracking. It might be good to try using a small dab right before bed, with a layer of aquaphor on top. But for this, I’d ask a dermatologist.

    16. Ron McDon*

      Blistex Relief Cream is the only thing that moisturises my lips so that they don’t crack. Vaseline or other oily products put a greasy layer over my lips, but Blistex seems to sink in and really soften and moisturise them.

  40. nep*

    Anyone have issues with knee pain? I know there are a million causes so I’m not looking for that kind of answer–just wondering about people’s experience w knee pain that radiates to other parts of leg.
    (I went to an urgent care yesterday just to rule out anything dangerous, because this is a new pain experience for me–it was a useless, horrible experience. Heaven help them–I appreciate these health workers and I know they’re stressed out. But it was like I didn’t interact with a single human in there.)

    1. nep*

      (I should add–it’s on my left side and left hip has long been very, very tight…I’m thinking the knee issue might be related to that.)

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Not saying this is the case, but that’s exactly the initial symptoms of my rheumatoid arthritis and I wasn’t given any treatment at the time. So, given that:

        I tried heat on it but that actually made it worse. Cold, icy stuff worked better. I was once at the point of trying to make my leg go numb because I could not handle the pain. Also with you on the ‘doctors don’t investigate pain well’ thing…which of course stresses you out, which makes the pain worse….

        On bad days any attempt to put any weight on my left knee causes hideous pain that shoots right up and down. Got 20 years of experience with limb and also spinal pain and open to any questions, no matter how personal!

        1. nep*

          Thanks. I’ve been wondering about whether it’s RA.
          Appreciate your input. I’ll be interested to see how this evolves. (The doctor didn’t look at my knee. Until I asked him to look at a red mark; I’d started wondering whether I’d been bit by something. It was rather surreal. I’ve not been to a physician in ages; I’d forgotten how…well, I just won’t go there.)

          1. Keymaster of Gozer*

            Surreal is definitely the word for it! ‘I was fine last week and now suddenly my joints don’t work?!’. Like a well behaved computer suddenly blue screening on you.

            Mate of mine got rheumatic inflammation on his left hand after a mosquito bite, couldn’t use his fingers, doctor said it was ‘just sore, take ibuprofen’. Eased off within a week or two so hopefully yours will settle.

          2. Hotdog not dog*

            You may also want to get a Lyme test. A red mark and joint pain are both symptoms. I’ve had it twice and recovered well after a course of antibiotics.

            2. nep*

              The more I think of this, I absolutely should be tested for Lyme. I gather the tests aren’t always accurate, but it’s surely something one wants to catch early. (I’ve been walking in the woods a lot more lately.)
              Has anyone used LetsGetChecked for at-home testing? They’ve got a Lyme test–I’m thinking of trying it.

      2. Alexandra Lynch*

        I would definitely start doing some stretching of the hips.
        When I get knee pain it’s because I’m not keeping my thighs and hips stretched enough and I’m not doing the exercises that I know strengthen the thigh muscles to keep the knee in place properly.

        Unless, of course, it’s fibro pain, but that shows up out of nowhere, hurts no matter what position the joint is in, and will suddenly go away out of the blue too, usually in under ten minutes. It also hurts worse than the “joint is slightly out of whack” sort of pain.

    2. Generic Name*

      I get knee and hip pain and I think it’s caused by a combination of muscle tightness and muscle weakness, if that makes sense. I’ve had luck with physical therapy, and keeping up with stretches and exercises, as well as staying active.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Seconding on the physio. I’m suffering from all the pools being shut down round here because oh boy did I get some benefits from lazily treading water.

        1. nep*

          Yes–I can just imagine all the people that had gotten so much benefit from coming to the Y pool. (I worked at a Y before the shutdown.)

      1. nep*

        A knee’s best friend is a strong butt.
        Wise words once again by fposte. And always so well put.
        Thanks
        (Adding to all the fun is I’ve got no medical insurance. Happy to have found a nearby university hospital that offers hugely discounted services including scans, should it come to that.)

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I’ve had arthritic knees for years, including a knee replacement on one leg. With no insurance, here’s another recommendation for physical therapy. Once you get your treatment plan, you can do the exercises on your own most of the time, with only occasional visits with the physical therapist to check in on your progress. I do my exercises regularly now without having to check in at all.

          2. CJM*

            I second the vote for physical therapy and then doing their exercises at home. My knee pain was so bad a few years ago that I couldn’t walk without limping. Several weeks of PT fixed me up, and now I have four exercises to do at home that strengthen each of the four muscle groups around the knee (below, above, and on either side). In a pinch, you could probably find those exercises online and start them at home, but physical therapy — even a few sessions for an evaluation and to learn some basic exercises — is what I’d do. I think the world of physical therapy after my very positive experience.

    4. Summersun*

      I took PT for patellofemoral syndrome, which is fancy talk for the kneecap not tracking properly in the joint groove. It was grinding away material every time I walked. Strengthening exercises for the inner thigh pulled it back into alignment, and shoes that correct my gait (severe supination) are also necessary.

      Once I was set up with proper shoes and exercises, and things improved, I realized how uncomfortable I had been in other ways. My outer heels were always sore, and my outer calves were always tight.

      All that said, I now have sciatica, so *throws hands in the air*

    5. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      My spouse has chronic knee pain from a combination of psoriatic arthritis and a rock climbing accident that resulted in several surgeries. She does take a couple of medications that keep it tolerable most of the time, but for acute flair ups she swears by 1% diclofenac sodium topical gel. It’s an over the counter NSAID and supposedly works better than oral meds because more of the medication actually gets directly to the joint. It also works faster.

      It might also be worth getting evaluated by an orthopedist. If there’s a structural problem in your knee or hip they could advise you on what type of PT to pursue, what kind of exercise will be most helpful or harmful, if any specific brace could be helpful, and anything else you might be able to do to improve it or prevent it from getting worse.

      1. nep*

        Interesting. Good to know about that gel. Thanks.
        If my issue is a muscle strain, I can almost point to the moment in my last ‘heavy’ workout when I should have stopped. I had been getting frustrating with having lost some strength, and should have taken it easier last weekend. Lesson learned big time.

    6. Ranon*

      Physio would be a good starting point. I’ve also had very good experience with doctors with a sports medicine specialty- I’m at most moderately athletic but I’ve found that they’re generally much more knowledgeable about how the body moves and much less likely to assume that rest is a cure all (or that their patients will listen when told to rest, lol). I’m lucky enough that my current GP is a family doctor with a sports medicine specialty and he’s really fantastic.

    7. tangerineRose*

      This might be a bit different, but sometimes when a knee feels out of joint a little or just “off”, I have found that walking on tiptoe for a while seems to help.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Aww, nep, you need a break here somewhere. (many of us do, too)

      Lyme sounds like a well-thought out guess here, especially with the red spot and the pain being new.
      Do you see anything in the spot? My friends had me using vaseline to get the tick to back out. It seemed to help a little.

      1. nep*

        Thank you.
        I’m immensely glad and grateful that my headaches have eased (another post here). So that’s a bright spot.
        I really am thinking it’s Lyme now, given how different the pain is from anything I’ve experienced, and the red spot(s). Don’t have the telltale bullseye, but I gather it’s not always that.
        I see only a couple of tiny, tiny whitish dots in the spot…not really like blisters, but not flat.
        Definitely going to get tested.
        (So how did that work with the Vaseline? Was the tick still visible for you?)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It cuts off their oxygen and they back out– supposedly. Yeah, it seemed to make him back out and I could grab him better. I only had to do it that one time but the friend who recommended this system had it work for him a bunch of times.
          Yeah, I could see a little dark spot when I started. It was tiny, maybe a bit larger than the period at the end of our sentences here. But not much larger.

          Just fell into this one- Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever???? Would that make sense to you? I am seeing the little whitish dots in pics on the net. Looks like either way- RMSF / Lyme- it’s doxycycline.

    9. londonedit*

      Is it a stabbing sort of pain in the outside of your knee? You mentioned your hip is also tight on that side, and being a runner I’ve had issues with ITB (iliotibial band) pain that manifests itself as a stabbing pain on the outside of the knee, also radiating up towards the bottom of the thigh. The first time it happened I was training for a marathon and assumed I’d done some kind of horrific damage and would never run again, but all it took was physio to work on strengthening my glutes (fposte is right, everyone needs to strengthen their glutes!) and easing off my hip flexors, and the pain disappeared (and I ran the marathon!) I’d definitely look at physiotherapy and sports massage.

  41. mlem*

    Where is the line between stepping over a missing stair and yucking someone’s yum / refusing to let the past go?

    An acquaintance/friend is a book reviewer and has recently been wowed by a particular author — the prose is great, the representation on various axes is wonderful, things like that. Reviewer is recommending this author to specific other friends, and the friends are then amplifying the recommendations.

    And I’ve been watching this with trepidation, because I already knew Cool Author was once Toxic Internet Troll. This isn’t a secret or a suspicion; it all became very, very public about six years ago. A relevant award was won by one of the people who helped expose Cool Author as being Toxic Internet Troll, aka ReviewBully, aka Assault Threats 4U.

    And the troll’s targets disproportionately included some of the same communities who are now being sent these recs.

    Cool Author apparently owned up to being Troll/Bully/Threats. I’ve seen mention of at least one “fauxpology”. Everything I can find on the topic is no more recent than about five years ago.

    How do I know if this person ever truly made amends, or if they’ve become better in any way, or if maybe they’re still out there being awful? Do I try to warn my friends? Do I let it go? My circles are very small; I don’t know what has happened in the past five years. I’m not exactly a key member or influencer of these communities. I don’t want to be a White Knight or a Karen. But I also don’t want people to be hurt by my silence. So … what do?

      1. mlem*

        That’s a good question. Maybe there’s no risk of that. They might be upset if they ever internet-search the author’s name and read any of the abuse that was documented, but that would require digging past introductory titles and explanations.

        And there’s the question of whether they would want to support (by money, by rec) someone who is currently toxic or was toxic and never did anything to address that. But that’s a far more abstract concept of “hurt”.

        I’ve kept quiet so far, and maybe I just continue to do so unless I see specific reason to change that.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Ok, I think you’re misunderstanding the meaning of the terms “missing stair” and “yucking someone’s yum.”

          Missing Stair refers to a badly behaving person in your social/work/family group that everyone sorta accommodates and mitigates instead of taking more direct action against. While the author may very well be a missing stair in *someone’s* group, that has nothing to do with you or your friends. He cannot be a missing stair for *you* because you do not share any sort of social circle with him.

          Similarly, yucking someone’s yum is about bashing contentthat someone else enjoys (usually a sexual/romance thing, but can include other things). If the actual content of the books had things you didn’t like (dubcon, love at first sight, furries, anime, RomComs, stupid plots that could be resolved in 3 minutes if people bothered to talk to each other, etc.) and you were constantly criticizing them for it, that would be yucking someone’s yum. That’s not happening here because you don’t have a problem with the content of the books.

          What you have is a creator/performer you find morally unacceptable, which is a whole other issue. Frankly, I don’t think it makes much of a difference if you tell or not. Rather like enjoying a Kevin Spacey movie or reading many older books, most people don’t care that much about the creator of media as opposed to the content of said media. Mention it if you want, or don’t – it’s unlikely that it’ll make a difference. The sort of people who really care about this sort of thing generally do their own vetting, and the sort of people who don’t bother to do background checks on creators before consuming content generally don’t care that much.

          1. mlem*

            Clarity is important, and I thank you for stressing it.

            In my (perhaps pale) defense, I used the terms I did because the direct-interaction ramifications seem very different in genre fiction than between viewers of Kevin Spacey/Woody Allen/Bill Cosby works and those persons. I don’t know how much this (professional but not Big Name) reviewer, whose usual genres are tangential, knows; but the author has a documented history of harassing and stalking reviewers who positively review things she doesn’t like. There is a *chance* that the reviewer has now drawn her attention, and that she might now go through old reviews, find one she disagrees with, and attack. I’d rather not see the reviewer attacked; I don’t know if I can fairly claim friendship, but we’re certainly friendly.

            But maybe the reviewer knows and doesn’t care. Or knows but thinks the author has reformed (which may in fact not be the case, based on other responses I’ve gotten here). Or knows and is setting up a trap, I honestly don’t even know. I just didn’t know — particularly absent the information I’ve since learned here — how much I would be overstepping to comment (publicly, privately, by DM, whatever) asking if the reviewer knew. And I still don’t, which means I’ll probably just hold back.

            1. Anon Lawyer*

              So I know who you’re talking about and I’d absolutely tell your friend about their past behavior. They have a history of cutting people down under one pseudonym while sucking up to them under another. I don’t know if they’ve changed or not but it’s fair to let someone know that’s happened.

              1. WS*

                +1, I also know who you’re talking about and they have a habit of making friends, getting personal information out of them, then using that as blackmail material and/or bullying material. I think OP should warn their friend on that level – whether or not she likes their writing is beside the point.

            2. Traffic_Spiral*

              Well, if the reviewer is your friend and the two of you ever happen to discuss said author, sure, mention the drama and drop her a link to a comprehensive write-up of it all. If you don’t actually hang out or talk, I’d stay out of it.

    3. fposte*

      I don’t see a missing stair here; they’re not in your community and there’s no concerted avoidance. I think it would be okay either to say something or not to; it’s really not your obligation to vet the private life of authors people like, and it’s possible some of them already know but choose to enjoy the books nonetheless.

      If you do want to say something, I’d keep it casual and personal. “I know authors have done worse things, but I was on the scene for his hurtful trolling on Platform, and I can’t separate his work from that enough to enjoy it.” You want to avoid the tall poppy/important gossip syndrome of “He’s an asshole!” or “You know he was in jail, right?” or “I know too much about him to forgive….”

      1. mlem*

        That’s mostly where I am myself; I just got a little more concerned when I started seeing referrals bouncing around my own little corner of the world. But I think it’s still a “concern” situation rather than a red-alert situation, at least for now. Thank you.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If it’s the person I’m thinking of, I’d try warning my friend that this person has a history of trolling that steps over the line for “enjoys starting arguments/insulting people” to “actively dangerous.”

      Also, if it’s the same person, I believe they’ve repeated the same sort of behavior within the past year. There’s some recent stuff on the File770 blog. [I assume you have reasons for not mentioning names, so I won’t either, but if it’s who I think it is, their name is a searchable tag there.]

      1. Catherine*

        I believe that I’ve also identified this person based on the description and will mention that a friend has reported to me being on the receiving end of bullying from them within the past year.

      2. mlem*

        I learned my interneting in the ’90s, amongst people who stressed guarding personal identities and safety. I’m not half as paranoid as that could have made me, but it does mean I try to be cautious about specific name citations — half “why stir up wank if they really have mended their ways?”, and half “naming people with a history of stalking/bullying in a searchable location creates a nonzero possibility that they or their cronies will turn up and start attacking people here”. So, as much as I dislike encountering vagueposts myself, I figured an “if you know, you know” approach was for the better here. And yes, it sounds like you know.

        I fell down the rabbit hole of old reports and then just spot-checked recent 770 posts; I have no idea why I didn’t try searching the tags there. Thank you.

    6. ...*

      I dont really see how this has anything to do with you. Someone who made a book that might possibly be getting recommended to people was an internet troll but people know about it? Ok…….. If someone came to me and gave me some kind of ‘warning’ about how I might be reading a book by someone who bullied someone on the internet in the past I would think they needed a hobby.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Nobody needs a warning to be “safe” from this person. They are reading books, not going to their house.

      If you want to inject your information into a conversation, the way to do that is by waiting until someone mentions Cool Author, and then saying, “Oh, C.A.? I read they are a horrible troll. Did you hear about that?”

      Then your friends have the opportunity to follow up, if they care to.

      But I wouldn’t try to make some sort of intervention if it’s not a natural part of the conversation. That’s just going to sound like you’re on some kind of odd crusade of judging them for enjoying the books.

    8. Sylvan*

      I think I know what you’re talking about. Warn your friends, especially if they’re in the demographic groups this person usually targeted. You could link them to the writeup, but it’s probably overwhelming to someone learning about it for the first time, so make sure to give a tl;dr version. You could warn them specifically about interacting with this person instead of warning them away from the books.

    9. valentine*

      Before ending my association with the reviewer, I would tell them and the friend group (as a group, not individually) that Toxic did x, y, and z, and I’d like not to see their name again, and then be done. No trying to warn new people in the group or what have you.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      “But I also don’t want people to be hurt by my silence. So … what do?”

      It sounds like the past has been exposed. So you really don’t need to cover that if you don’t want to or don’t have the energy, as others have exposed it and spread that information around.
      I think the only thing of any concern would be current behavior. If you have nothing in current time, then I really would not do anything. But I would be aware that I should watch for myself and be available for my friends if they try to tell me something is amiss. Wait for facts.

      I am a firm believer that people can and do change. But I am not going to put myself out their so they can drive their car over me, if they choose. There is a middle place where we can know we should be aware but we also choose not to take action at the moment.

      1. mlem*

        Yeah, I have enough uncertainty on pretty much every factor here that just keeping my eyes open and not stirring things is where I’m landing for now. Thank you.

    11. RagingADHD*

      I just realized what you’re talking about. The whole story takes up the entire first page of Google results, for both the official pen name and the troll name.

      If your friend the book reviewer is a professional, there is no way they are unaware of the story – unless they have never googled the author at all? Which seems unlikely.

      By the same token, if your friends are becoming fans, surely the first thing they would do is google the author’s name to find their website or other books.

      So acting like they might be unaware or need protecting/warning is rather disingenuous and condescending.

      If your real concern is that you are highly offended by this person’s behavior, and are upset that your friends don’t seem to care, then that is the topic to bring up with them: “Hey, y’all, you’re really getting into this person, but I can’t forget how awful they were. Doesn’t that bother you?”

      The answer may be, “meh, not really.”

      In which case, your real dilemma is whether you’re prepared to hear that, and whether you can maintain friendship with people who don’t take internet trolling as seriously as you do.

      1. mlem*

        Yeah, I think it’s that I felt stuck between “they can’t possibly not find out pretty quickly” and “but what if they don’t and something happens and it’s partly my fault for not warning them?” Because … I have a least one friend who refuses to use Google because it apparently weights its results partially by user customization (which would mean I’m likely to see fandom wank writeups in the first page of results, for example, and don’t know whether other folks are equally likely). I know some folks take the ease of the Amazon-referrer link that’s *right there* to buy the book, or who just search author names directly at Amazon/bookstores/libraries rather than open-searching Google.

        The reviewer … I keep going back and forth between “surely must know” and coming up with ways they plausibly might not. And not wanting to seem adversarial with a did-you-know DM when I don’t really have any personal stake besides onlooker concern.

        Asking here was my way to try to find clarity between which path would be arrogance on my part, or negligence, or both, or neither. (And I didn’t know a great way to get more information on the current state of things, rather than five-year-old summaries, short of asking, since I’m not really in fandom-discussion forums myself these days.) I’m still not entirely sure what’s “right” here, which inclines me to stick to a wait-and-watch approach. Thanks for helping me think this through.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Honestly, you are taking *way* too much onto yourself here.

          These friends of yours are all adults, right? Because you are acting like they are your minor children.

          Internet trolling is nasty. But unless the person is Swatting people, then the worst that could happen is your friend will get an ugly message from an ugly person.

          If they have been on the Internet more than five minutes, they have already experienced that and survived. If any of them are women, they probably have to wade through an inbox full of yuck and/or dicpics on a regular basis.

          They can manage.

  42. Dainty Lady*

    Many thanks to everyone who gave advice about helping my stepdaughter with her new baby. We went down last week. I stayed two nights with them doing night care so at least the dad could get some sleep. My stepdaughter was of course up pumping at all hours but at least she wasn’t feeding and changing too. I also walked the dog a lot.

    I think the most useful thing I did was to lay down the law to my husband and his brother and brother’s wife that they were not to ask a billion questions and give a flood of opinions and advice! They all come from a culture which is very all up in everyone’s business all the time and were very perplexed that this would not be welcome to the new parents. But they accepted the notion and were really quite good about it.

    The poor dog is so jealous! I tried to give him a lot of attention.

    Not sure when we will go again since night help is not possible now that actual nursing has started. They don’t need help with food or cleaning, so oh well on that. Maybe when dad’s paternity leave is over, day help will be welcome.

    1. LNLN*

      Congratulations! It sounds a though you did a wonderful job of supporting the new parents. Their needs will change as they become more experienced and as baby develops. Continue to think about (and ask about) what the parents need and want. So often grandparents think about what THEY want rather than the parents. You are off to a great start,

  43. Jackalope*

    I have one other question, this time for short people (or those who are close to short people). Do you have any suggestions on chairs and seating options that aren’t set up for someone tall? I’m right at the very bottom of the range for “normal” heights, but the vast majority of chairs out there are miserably uncomfortable for me. I was originally thinking of office chairs, but upon further consideration I’d also be interested in others as well if you have ideas on that. It would be nice to get something that’s sized for a short adult rather than either a middle-ranged to tall adult or a child (since trying to fit myself onto a kindergartener’s chair is just not the thing). Anyone?

    1. Summersun*

      I’d love to hear affordable options as well! I’m 5’2″ but all torso and no legs, so regular office chairs leave me swinging my feet like a child. People love to recommend options like Herman Miller that require lottery winnings to afford.

    2. fposte*

      I actually snapped at my physical therapist about this recently—he said I shouldn’t be sitting the way I was in the waiting room and I said I wouldn’t if they had chairs that fit their clients.

      It is frustrating and in many cases demonstrably physically damaging. As my PT discovered, it really pisses me off. I used to use my purse as a footrest but then when I scaled down my purse it wasn’t enough. At work I carry around a plastic footstool to meetings. For travel, I drilled a hole in a yoga block so I could put a tie through it for easy carrying; it’s at least lightweight. It’s mostly one side for me so I also use a bed riser sometimes. I looked at inflatable footrests for travel but they’re a PITA. So basically I recommend finding a lot of footrest-type things and reporting back when you find good ones.

      2. ..Kat..*

        I found a carry on bag that has firm sides and is just the right size to put my feet on. Since it has wheels, I don’t have to lug it around.

    3. Ranon*

      For lounging/ relaxing chairs lot of chairs designed as nursery chairs tend to be on the smaller side (even though they’re intended for adults)- I’m 5′-5″ and a lot of them were on the small side for me

    4. fhgwhgads*

      I stopped trying to find the right height chair and got an under desk footstool. It’s great because I have a chair that is super comfy for me and the only problem was my feet dangling.

    5. JKP*

      My mom actually had the legs of her kitchen chairs cut to her height. If there are chairs you like, you could look into the cost of making adjustments, just like you would for tailoring clothes.

    6. Anono-me*

      I’m officially average height at 5’9″.

      I find Ikea furniture, pre
      WW2 almost antique furniture, and furniture from Latino stores all way too low. Maybe those are places to consider looking?

    7. Jackalope*

      I’ve used a footrest at work but part of the problem is that my thighs are short. If I sit on a normal adult chair, I can either have my back at the back of the chair or my knees at the other end, but the seats tend to be too long for me to do both.

    8. KL*

      I use a yoga ball when I’m sitting at my desk. Office chairs just make the back of my legs hurt, and even using a footrest it wasn’t all that much better.

    9. MsChanandlerBong*

      I’m 4’10”. There’s no such thing as a good chair for short people, lol. Like other posters said, a footstool seems to work best. If I sit back properly, my legs dangle, causing my feet to swell terribly. If I sit forward in the chair so that my feet touch the floor, my pelvis falls asleep. It’s uncomfortable either way, but having a stool helps.

      1. Mimmy*

        Right there with you…I’m not much taller (5 feet) and foot stools have been my best bet, though still not perfect. I have an adjustable foot stool under my computer desk but I don’t move it around because the adjustment changes easily when you carry it and it’s hard to put it back to how I want it.

    10. General von Klinkerhoffen*

      It’s not even just the leg height: I find the seats uncomfortably deep that I end up slouching. I need three cushions to sit on our sofa, and frequently end up with pins and needles in my legs when I can’t touch the ground.

      I’m afraid I have only sympathy and no useful advice.

    11. delicate&lustrous*

      When I went to buy an office chair, I searched for “petite office chairs” and found a number that are actually designed for shorter people. SIDIZ had some options, both for teenager sized people and also for 5’2″ ish sized adults. Steelcase also had at least one option. Look for a seat depth of like, 17 – 18″, and adjustable height that goes at least as low as 18″ if not lower. With those two measurements, you’ll likely find something comfortable for you. I find seat depth to be the most important; I can handle height with a stool, but not something that is too big to both support my lower back and also fit my knees.

      1. Anonbeth*

        Yes! They can make office chairs with shorter cylinders (the bit under the chair that limits how low the height can adjust to) and smaller seat pans. I got both of these on my work chair and it made such a difference in how I sit, especially the smaller seat pan. I’m afraid I don’t know the chair company–it was just whoever my office had a deal with. Maybe look for chair suppliers that offer mix and match with different seat backs and seats, as they’ll have more flexibility than off-the-rack chairs.

    12. Thankful for AAM*

      I’m 5 feet tall and more torse than legs.
      I have not found a chair for the house that fits me. I have sat in kindergarten chairs that actually fit me, they just don’t make adult chairs that size! I tend to sit back and cross my legs.

      At work I have a chair that adjusts a bit but I use a foot rest to help with the height and I have a lumbar cushion to make the seat the right depth.

  44. Just reassure me this too will pass*

    My teenager shaved off part of her eyebrow.
    I was prepared for conversations about context-appropriate makeup, unexpected hairdos, clothing that breaks the school’s dress code, tattoos, body modifications, and sex&gender issues. Somehow this one took me by surprise. I know it’ll grow back. I hated it at first, then I got used to it as it started to get thinner. There really are a lot of cool queer eyebrow slits out there now that I’m looking for them. But hers has got to be a quarter inch wide, in a part of her eyebrow where it thins down to nearly nothing. And she flat out rejected my offer of the new electric clippers to make a narrow slit. Instead she re-widened it.
    Well, I needed to get that off my chest. I can’t turn to my usual support group because she’s only out to a handful of people. her dad just says “sure it’s fine” to her because he loves her no matter what, and “god it’s ugly” to me because I love them both no matter what. Thanks for listening.

    1. Just reassure me this too will pass*

      By the way I’m fine that she came out. That’s not the question. This is just an unexpected aesthetics issue. I don’t WANT to dislike my kid’s cosmetics. We’re always prepared for the war our parents fought, right?
      So how do I stop from blinking and staring at it?

      1. Disco Janet*

        More exposure to teens, I guess? (For the how to stop staring.) I wouldn’t bat an eye at this and might not even notice, but I teach high school and see the poorly executed eyebrow slash maaaaaany times per day, haha.

        1. Just reassure me this too will pass*

          That actually does help thanks! It’s good to know its common…after all, many poorly executed mullets roamed my high school and became a bonding topic at reunions. Thanks for the perspective.

      2. valentine*

        So how do I stop from blinking and staring at it?
        Therapy? A safe space to learn how to let go of your ideas about what her body should look like or be. And softly chant to yourself: Her body, her rules.

        Her experimentation is something to celebrate.

      3. PollyQ*

        How long ago did she make the change? If it’s fairly recent, then I expect you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

        If it isn’t and you’re still getting stuck on it, then remind yourself that this is how she’s currently choosing to express herself as a person, and you love that person. Maybe also remind yourself that beauty standards are always culturally defined, and try to teach your brain to say “different” rather than “ugly.”

    2. squareround*

      I think lots of parents dislike their kids style and make up and so on. It’s normal. I mean, I’m in my 30’s and Gen Z’s style irritates me. Why do they all dress like it is 1992? Get your own style. It’s just a sign of being old to find this stuff annoying.

      1. WellRed*

        Heheh. I’m 50 and your comment made me realize I have no idea how Gen Z dresses. (Pandemic not helping).

        1. squareround*

          A lot of them seem to dress like it is the 90’s. Now I like 90’s style but it just annoys me that they don’t get their own style. Yes, I’m an old lady. They are the first generation in a long time to have not really developed their own unique style. It is just weird to see some of the models who are maybe 21 and just have no real discernible original style of their era but basically just do throwbacks.

          Thank you for coming to my Ted talk by an old lady about Gen Z fashion.

          1. Natalie*

            They are the first generation in a long time to have not really developed their own unique style

            Styles get recycled all the time, I also grew up in the 90s and tons of 70s throwback stuff was popular. I basically had bellbottoms.

            People have been saying the current crop of young people are uniquely terrible in some way since the first fish sprouted legs and walked out of the ocean probably.

            1. pancakes*

              Yeah – I was in high school in 1992 and so many looks that were popular then were plucked from the 70s, particularly from 70s punks and 70s hippies.

              1. PollyQ*

                And Boomers had the same complaints about kids not getting their own style. I remember one article with the quote, “These kids haven’t earned the right to wear bell bottoms!”

      3. Just reassure me this too will pass*

        Ironically mine likes the 80s…but she makes it look better than I did.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      If she’s not using clippers meant for this sort of thing, this will burn itself out once the ingrown hairs start happening.

      Otherwise… I mean, I don’t get the appeal either, but if it makes her happy does it matter that it’s ugly?

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, I’d assume by teenage years you’d be used to your kid looking weird somehow (bad self-given haircut, got into your makeup, ate a bunch of barbecue and didn’t wash their face, etc.) and you’d just shrug it off.

      2. Just reassure me this too will pass*

        Ouch I hope she doesn’t get ingrown hairs, maybe I’ll suggest the clippers again, she can still go wider with them.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          There’s a chance that I could just have weak baby skin? But yeah, ingrown hairs on the face are horrible.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Maybe it will help to think of it as a developmental milestone you check off: Made grooming choice parents can’t stand: Check! Green hair, metallic blue eyeshadow, shaving off part of the eyebrow, it has to be something. She’s experimenting and having a little bit of rebellion, and choosing something you don’t like is kind of part of it.

      Box checked. Beats the hell out of tattoos.

      1. anon for this*

        My parents made it so clear to me that I wasn’t supposed to experiment with my appearance that I never even tried. I even wrote diary entries about how much better I thought I was than my classmates, who couldn’t just look “sensible.”

        Then I moved out for college and discovered I could do what I wanted with my appearance. I now dislike the photos of myself from when I was a teenager because it was clear I was really, really under someone else’s thumb when it came to my appearance. I threw out my smug, naive teenage diary, too. I was forced into specific styles for everything (clothing, hair, makeup). It wasn’t me, and – unlike my peers – I didn’t get the chance for so many more years to play around and find out what was me.

      2. Hotdog not dog*

        That’s my thought, too. My kid does odd things with his hair and dresses funny, but I figure eventually he’ll figure out who he is and what his style is. I certainly look nothing at all like I did as a teen, and I vividly recall the vein in my Dad’s forehead when I dyed my hair pink to match my prom dress!

      3. Just reassure me this too will pass*

        Heh. I bought her the green hair dye, she hasn’t used it yet.
        She went heavy into Sharpie body art for a while, that was interesting too.

    6. Flabbernabbit*

      I did this to myself just recently while I tried to wax shape my own eyebrows. Pre Covid, I would get the professionals to do it. What a zoom disaster. Nearly half inch off strip in the middle of my right eyebrow. Never thought it could possibly be a fashion statement. Not pulling it off anyway. Sigh.

    7. Courageous cat*

      Just remind yourself this is possibly the absolute lowest-stakes thing she could have done. This is what all teenagers do. They have to try on different appearances so they know what to settle on.

  45. Alex*

    Has anyone used the CBT-I app for insomnia? My therapist recommended it to me and I’ve been trying to use it but am finding the suggestions really odd.

    For context, I’ve been struggling with insomnia for many years. I have all kinds of insomnia–trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, and trouble with early waking.

    After playing around with the app for a few days, it seems to me like it is based on the idea that insomnia is caused by not being tired enough? And it wants you to only be in your bed for the number of hours you actually sleep per night.

    So now my “prescribed” bedtime is…12:45am. For a 6:30am wakeup.

    I’m so confused by this recommendation, and am worried because I know from experience that when I go to bed very late, I REALLY struggle to fall asleep.

    Thoughts? Interested in both success and failure stories.

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      Sleep restriction is one of the treatments for insomnia. It’s thought that people with insomnia spend TOO MUCH time in bed trying VERY HARD to sleep and that sleep restriction, combined with other therapies, can improve sleep efficiency. The book, “Say Goodnight to Insomnia,” talks more about the theory behind some of this stuff. You seem like someone who needs to know the rationale behind recommendations (which sounds just sensible to me) and this might be helpful.

      1. Alex*

        Thanks! It’s good to know that that is the purpose of the app, rather than some weird unexpected algorithmic anomaly.

        I’m curious to know how you are supposed to know when you will NOT fall asleep and therefore get out of bed? Like, how can you be in bed only when you are about to fall asleep? How do you know when that is? I understand the concept but I have no idea how to put it into practice.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Maybe it’s a function of your insomnia that makes this seem less intuitive to you, but to me the answer is: just stay out of bed until you’re having trouble keeping your eyes open. Don’t go to bed until you don’t think you’ll make it awake another 5-10 minutes.

          For me, this wouldn’t happen until I’d be at the point where I’d get about 4-5 hours of sleep, so that’s why they say to restrict sleep like that. It makes sense. (Instead, I just take sleeping medication every night).

          1. Alex*

            Yeah the app is telling me to restrict my sleep to 5 hours.

            OK, I’m going to try it. It’s a good thing it is a long weekend so if I feel crappy for a few days I guess it is OK!

            I don’t ever actually FEEL sleepy though, like ever, so if that is what we’re waiting for there is going to be a long wait….

          2. Anonbeth*

            There are some sleep difficulties, like those caused by ADHD, where staying up later will never result in feeling tired. I basically only feel tired right after I wake up and in the mid afternoon. Not diagnosing anyone and not saying this method doesn’t work for some people! Just wanted to note that it might be based on some assumptions that aren’t true of everyone. Good luck, op!

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      Aside from sleep restriction, the idea is also to build up your subconscious association that bed = sleep not bed = tossing and turning. Hence getting up and reading for a while if you haven’t gotten to sleep yet, hence pushing your bedtime to when you *really* go to sleep.

      BUT, I think causes of insomnia vary a lot, and you know yours best. If a late bedtime invariably worsens your insomnia, maybe that’s not something you build into your CBT practice.

      1. Alex*

        Yes it has been my experience that going to bed later resulted in worse insomnia, but I’ll give this app a go–maybe I just need to get over the hump of complete sleep deprivation? I’m not sure, but I might as well try it I guess.

        1. WellRed*

          I’m wondering if going to bed later means you are spending more time on a screen or possibly getting anxious longer about not being able to get to sleep.

        2. Pharmgirl*

          I’ve had the same issue, I tend to have more insomnia when I got to bed later – it’s almost as if I miss my window of time for falling asleep. Like WellRed says, part it for me is that going to bed later does mean more screen time which isn’t great for sleep either. I’ve found that going to bed earlier and waking up earlier helps me sleep better at night. But I’ll keep this app in mind if I’m going through another cycle of insomnia.

          1. Alex*

            Yes this is my experience too–when I can get into a good groove of going to bed early and waking up early, I do generally better (although not always sleeping through the night). If I miss my window then I am up. all. night.

            Still, I will give this app a try. At least if it doesn’t work I can say I gave it an honest go.

            I do spend…all…of my time on screens. Like all. But my job is 100% on a screen and I am also in school for computer science, and then of course I have to read AAM. And that is my day lol.

    3. HannahS*

      I have no idea, but I do want to share my experience–I had years of different types of insomnia. Some of it was related to medical stuff, but in the most recent occurence, what helped was caffeine restriction. I’m sure that one million people have told you about caffeine and I do apologize if it seems like I’m the “mmHmm but have you tried YOGA?” person, but I really had a lot of trouble sleeping–like serious trouble–for years, and once I started cutting all caffeine after noon (including tea and chocolate) I found I was able to fall asleep more easily. My husband can have a coffee at 8pm and sleep, but if I have a single cup of TEA at 2pm, forget it. I don’t feel keyed-up, but I can’t fall asleep.

      1. Alex*

        I do make sure to watch my caffeine intake and am not in the habit of having any coffee or caffeinated tea after the morning, especially now that I’m not in the office anymore (in the office I would sometimes have an afternoon tea, but I never do that at home.)

    4. Anon for This*

      The sleep specialist I see recommends doing this. It’s very hard to do but it resulted in me getting an extra half hour to an hour of sleep. Periodically I have to adjust my sleep hygiene as it’s easy to get back into bad habits.

  46. squareround*

    What does everyone think about overseas travel? Now don’t get me wrong if I had all the money in the world I would travel everywhere. But I don’t. In my country and culture (multicultural country) it is considered the norm to prioritise overseas travel, to scrimp for every dollar to go abroad, to put it ahead of other financial goals like owning a home or paying college loans. Many people come back from abroad in debt or go into debt to go abroad.

    The message you are not allowed to argue with is that only overseas travel can grow you as a person. If you’re my age (30’s) and have never been abroad that would be shocking and people would consider you uncivilised and not as knowing. Buuuuut everyone I know who went overseas didn’t do anything all the original. Just the usual tourist / backpacker stuff. It’s not really enlightening I don’t think.

    As a young person struggling to think for myself I went with the crowd. I lived overseas for a year. I did some other overseas travel. Honestly, I could have been just as grown a person without it. And richer! I mean travel is great but I don’t think it is what divides knowing and not knowing about life. Am I a heretic for feeling this way about the sacred topic of overseas travel leads to enlightenment?

    1. nep*

      Going into a neighbourhood where you otherwise would never go can be just as educational and ‘enlightening.’ I’ve done loads of overseas travel, but I’m the first to say that life holds countless opportunities for learning and growing that don’t involve getting on a plane. It might be among the most ‘instant’ or ‘efficient,’ because there you are, plopped into another culture and language. There is something to that.
      Bottom line, though, we’ve all got our ‘stuff’ we have to move through in order to grow. Some people could use foreign travel as a way from running away from that–but of course (as Marley says), you can’t run away from yourself.

      1. nep*

        (All that to say, it really depends on where you are in your head/heart, and how open you are to learning/growing. It’s about that more than about the setting.)

        1. squareround*

          I definitely want to grow, I am just unconvinced that overseas travel delivers stand out rewards in personal growth. I lived overseas for a year. It taught me to value the country I live in, which has more opportunity and services. But I can discover that just by reading about other countries compared to mine.

          My city also has a massive population from abroad so if you want to meet some people from other places and learn you can do that right here.

          I’m sure you get something out of travel but the costs from here are high and for let’s say, a 10 grand trip I can think of other ways to grow, like taking a course and learning a skill.

          It’s just become a boring mantra where I live and the whole ‘where are you going next! travel changes you!’

          1. fposte*

            I think international travel does give you a perspective that you can’t just get by reading about it. But I think the same is true of many other life experiences, and it doesn’t make them mandatory in creating a whole person.

    2. Washi*

      I’m with you! It does bug me when people go on and on about how they travel because it’s soooooo educational/eye-opening/enlightening/makes them a better person. (This is the same kind of person who hates tourists and tries never to be mistaken for one even though that’s exactly what they are.) I wish people would just say what I think is often closer to the truth: “I travel because it’s fun.”

      My in-laws sometimes grate on me a little. They have a lot of money and talk a lot about how they were able to provide all these amazing travel and outdoor experiences for their son and how important it is to do that to be a well-rounded person. I am the child of immigrants who grew up in a rural area. For me, being outside in nature or hearing other languages was not a special experience I paid money for, it was just my life. And I don’t think one is better than the other, and certainly travel is not the only way to be an open-minded or adventurous person.

      Don’t get me wrong, I love travel! It is super fun and interesting and is an experience I hope I can give to my kids. But I don’t think traveling or not traveling is a metric for what kind of person you are.

      1. squareround*

        I wonder if your in laws realise it’s only a specific culture that think that’s imperative to creating a rounded person?

        My country is multicultural and I got out of my bubble and met some different people and they just don’t even think about stuff like that. Like in Australia plenty of kids in my culture take a gap year. Some parents from other cultures would freak out at the idea of their kid not going straight to college.

        It’s just a very specific bubble that has a very specific definition of boxes you need to check to become rounded.

        I think certain travel would make me think that person had learned something. Like if they’d been somewhere third world or war torn maybe that was a bit eye opening. But as an Australian when someone says they moved to London for a year or the ski fields of Canada these are other English speaking Western countries you’re really not getting a hugely different experience to home. I’ve been to other English speaking nations and while a heap of fun it’s not a bit growth opportunity.

    3. Nacho*

      I don’t get it. You spend thousands of dollars and half a day sitting in a crampped plane just so you can live in a tiny room for a week (or more) then do it all over again on the way back. And all so you can see different versions of the same things you have at home.

      1. Dan*

        That’s one way of looking at it. If I spent “thousands” for a week, I think I’d be pretty pissed. Easy to do though, if you’re just going to the expensive places in Europe. A week in Venice can be murder on your budget.

        That said, I can travel overseas for close to a month and spend less than $5k all said and done. At that price, it’s worth it. Last year, I took a cruise to Alaska with my family for a week. Total trip cost was like $6k. I told my dad, “FYI, this week cost me more than a month in Asia does. Just sayin’.” I’m chopping at the bit to get back to Asia. Cruising? Not so much.

      2. Anon Lawyer*

        Well, most people don’t just sit in a tiny room and do things that are the same as what they’d do at home. If you do that, of course you’ll be disappointed.

    4. Jane*

      I mean, I studied abroad and found it really challenging and character-building, to navigate living abroad on my own. It was also the only way to really get out of the closed-off minority religious community I grew up in and actually meet people with other beliefs. Plus, I made an effort to integrate into the community beyond the university I studied at. I tried to listen to people’s criticisms of my country, not just hang out with other students and party and drink. I’m not sure that just seeing sights is necessarily enlightening. And yeah, of course, one can learn a lot by just doing things and going places you wouldn’t normally go in your hometown. Though, in my country, people tend to be pretty ignorant of other countries and the role we play in international politics… so for that reason I think more of us should go abroad.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well obviously it’s not the only way to develop as a character, and you can travel without learning much if you really are determined about it. That being said, I think it’s incredibly important to at least once spend some time in a place with a different language and culture (even if that’s within the same country). It does a lot to teach people to see different POVs and reexamine the notion that everything they grew up with is the “default.”

    6. Parenthetically*

      So it sounds to me like you’re negatively influenced by your culture’s over-emphasis on travel combined with their tendency to do touristy things when they do travel — I think I’d be turned off by that hypocrisy too. There’s nothing magical about travel per se, you’re right. Anyone who’s met the stereotypical boorish American tourist knows that an entitled ignoramus doesn’t automatically become gracious, open-minded, and curious via their 10-day, 11-city, Europe-from-a-bus-window holiday.

      But, staying home and refusing to travel doesn’t automatically do anything, either. I studied abroad when I was at uni, and I was shocked at how many people at my uni said some variation of, “Oh, I could never study abroad, it’s too far from home! Why would you ever want to leave the country?” I had some friends who had literally never been outside about a 200 mile radius of our university. That mindset isn’t going to lead to personal growth.

      For me, the scales tip slightly in favor of travel just because new experiences are generally good for the mind, IMO. Of course you can be an educated, well-rounded, curious, interesting person if you never leave your own country, and nothing magical happens to you if you do travel, but I think there’s a lot of good, and a lot of fun, to be had in bringing a curious, interested mind to a new place.

    7. Dan*

      You don’t say a whole lot about where you live, so I don’t know the connotations of “overseas” where you live. As an American, I can say that we don’t have the same general cultural “push” toward overseas travel that you describe.

      Yes, there are ways to “do” overseas travel wrong. TBH, countries where English is the native language (such as the UK and Australia) leave me feeling a lot like you do if I’m not careful. Like… traveling to Sydney (only) from the US leaves me feeling like, “why did I bother getting on a plane for 15 hours? I could have just gone to X not that far from me.” So it’s imperative to get out and do things in those places that are “uniquely” part of the country and that typically means getting out of the big cities.

      I don’t have much trouble feeling like I’ve gotten a cultural experience when I’m in Asia. Unless all I do is stay at a Western-style beach resort or just go to the epitome of certain tourist traps.

      So, to your last question… if you’ve *never* had an experience leaving you thinking, “oh. this was totally worth doing in person instead of reading about it online/watching YouTube” then we should have a bit longer chat.

    8. Jackalope*

      You are right in that travel is not the end-all and be-all of personal growth. We can gain all sorts of maturity and wisdom in ways that don’t involve going anywhere. But I’m going to argue for the other side.

      I was an exchange student when I was in high school, and for me it was an incomparable, life-changing experience. I learned to live and talk and think in another language. I got the chance to see places and taste food and live through experiences that I never would have at home. Most importantly for me, I learned that the way I grew up thinking about the world isn’t the only way to do so. This is something that in my experience you can’t learn in the same way if you don’t live through it. It’s one thing to get an intellectual idea about living in a tiny village with extreme winters and thinking from your sofa that it would be chilly to ski or sled to school in a neighboring village every day; it’s another to go out and do it day in and day out, experiencing the long dark cold winter as your normal daily commute. On the opposite side, there are many parts of Africa where school and church are held under a tree outside; that’s a whole different learning experience which if you live through it day in and day out will shape you in different ways. It’s one thing to hear about different beliefs on punctuality and then go back to “8:01 is late, why are you tardy?” mentality; it’s another to sit around regularly visiting with people while you wait for everyone to arrive because the “official” start date and the real start date are hours apart. You might not appreciate how unfriendly US culture is to children until you spend months (or years) living in another culture where kids just run in and out of the house and meetings and what have you, and are just a normal part of life. And so on.

      I know I’m referring specifically to people living in other countries here, which is different than traveling for a short period of time. But my experience is that people who have spent any significant amount of time living in another culture, whether through study abroad, teaching in another culture, Peace Corps, or what have you, bring a certain amount of mental flexibility to the table. They aren’t set on the One True Way because they’re more likely to know that every culture believes that it has the One True Way and they all have some good and some bad. I have in fact sometimes wished that it could be…. perhaps not mandatory for all teenagers to spend a few months as an exchange student, since I know that wouldn’t work for everyone, but strongly encouraged as a normal part of life (that was accessible for all teens, not just a privileged few), and just the norm around the world, so we would all have an idea of what it’s like to live somewhere else. As I mentioned earlier, this isn’t the only way to gain maturity and wisdom, but I would say that there’s a specific *type* of maturity and wisdom that can be obtained in this way that I haven’t seen obtained in other ways. (It may be the case that one can have a similar experience moving from, say, Los Angeles to rural Appalachia or vice versa, but that’s still because of going for a big change in culture.)

      1. Washi*

        Ok I know I posted the opposite viewpoint above, but I do also agree with you completely! To me, being a tourist is very different from being a (temporary) resident. Studying abroad and a short stint working abroad were hugely impactful experiences for me, as was my move from my rural hometown to my present home in an enormous city. I won’t reiterate all the reasons because you hit on every single one in your post :)

        My issue is how there’s a certain way of talking about travel that feels very much like a class marker, basically the implication that you can’t be a cultured person without X and Y experiences, which just so happen to be quite expensive and inaccessible for the majority of people, while discounting other experiences that aren’t part of that upper middle class lifestyle.

        1. Dan*

          To your last paragraph/sentence: The irony with much of this is that the more you spend, the less likely you’re going to get “culture” and the more likely you’re going to get some posh sort of thing that caters to foreigners with money where your interaction with local culture is hugely limited. There are some places I’ve been overseas that more or less fit that bill. As part of a larger itinerary they were quite enjoyable, but if that was the only place I went/stayed on that trip, I would so hugely be disappointed. Bonus points if it’s done as part of an arranged tour (large group or private, doesn’t much matter) where the tour guide does all of the communicating/ordering at restaurants.

    9. StrikingFalcon*

      I spent a summer abroad in a third world country as a teenager. It definitely changed my perspective on a lot of things, like my own country’s foreign politics and what I thought I was capable of doing. Part of that was (a) I was still a teenager – going to college and growing up also changed my perspective a lot! (b) I went somewhere very different from my home, learned a different language, and saw some things we never talk about here first-hand and (c) I made some incredible friends who had very different life experiences—even though we grew up not that far away from each other (they were also students on the trip). By contrast, a summer spent working in Europe and speaking English in my mid 20s was interesting but not life changing or transformative or anything

    10. RagingADHD*

      I grew up and now live in an area where a significant number of people have not only never left the country, many have never been more than 2 hours drive from their childhood home. Not always for lack of opportunity. Mostly by choice.

      I don’t know that overseas travel in particular grows character in irreplaceable ways, But I assure you, people at the opposite extreme are very stunted in their personal development, very ignorant about the world, and very rigid in their thinking.

      I believe the real value is in being curious about the world, being open to new experiences, and having a desire to meet people who are different from yourself, and see remarkable things that are unique in the world. Generally speaking, that mindset motivates people to do some traveling if they can.

      If they can’t, visiting museums, reading widely, and trying different activities and social groups can serve some of the same purpose.

    11. PollyQ*

      “Only overseas travel can grow you” is so obviously absurd that people saying it are almost disproving its benefits as they talk. There are many ways a person can grow — education, volunteer work, local travel, learning a new skill, picking up a hobby, making new friends outside your usual crowd, devoting yourself to an art, reading, having a family, working with animals, spiritual practices, nature encounters.

      International travel can be great, and expanding in ways that other activities aren’t. But it’s certainly not the one-and-only way to “grow”.

    12. Esmeralda*

      So I don’t think overseas travel is the ONLY way to grow as a person.

      But I’ve got my back up that you’re going to the other extreme and saying that it doesn’t help one grow, because it didn’t help you and, as far as you can tell, it didn’t help the people you know. I myself found it enormously enlightening; it is a significant part of what made me who I am today, and I know others for whom this is true.

      Usual tourist / backpacker stuff: for people from some backgrounds, that’s enlightening and exciting and anything but “usual” all in itself. For instance, people who come from families that aren’t economically privileged. Or who had to work or take care of family members rather than travel. I myself could not have traveled abroad if most of the expense hadn’t been covered by my college financial aid (and it still took me several years to save up for the airfare and for not working while I was abroad–the only time aside from maternity leave that I have not worked since I was a teenager in the 1970s).

    13. Flabbernabbit*

      I’m from a place where it is also the norm to be well-travelled. I also think that there are few ways that can open someone’s world view the same way travel does. However, travel isn’t for everyone. Neither is having kids… another opportunity for personal growth and one I had decided years ago to forgo, against all kinds of derision from my circles.

      Not everyone exposes themselves to growth when they travel, either. I know people who have travelled the world but have insulated themselves from learning while exploring. Not meeting locals, going on cruises or big tour buses, staying in big hotel chains or all inclusives, looking constantly through the camera lens are examples of ways it is easy to close oneself off while travelling. Not that any of those things are bad (environment notwithstanding), but I’d argue that anything you do locally would provide growth too. Some of my favourite vacation destinations of all time have been within an easy day’s driving distance from where I live, and I’ve learned and grown a lot from it.

  47. AnnaAnon*

    A while back someone did a thread about the best things you’ve purchased in the last year that you’d unreservedly recommend. (I bought some things off of it!) What about things you’re obsessed with and would love to have but will never spend the money on / seems too decadent? For me it’s a really big Le Creuset dutch oven. Love them but can’t justify paying that price when there are perfectly good ones available for much less. (If anyone has one and wants to argue it’s worth it I am listening!!)

    1. squareround*

      I would love to have more online newspaper and magazine subscriptions. I’ve got a few and I’m at my financial limit. I just can’t afford to spend another few rounds of $35 a month on media, as much as I’d like to, when I’ve already got a few good ones and there is plenty of free content.

      1. NeverNicky*

        I get online magazine and newspaper subscriptions for free through my local library (I’m in the UK), so perhaps you could check yours out and see if they offer anything?

    2. not a fish*

      I have a le Creuset dutch oven. One thing I dislike about it is that the handle on the lid is plastic, so it can’t go in a hot oven. I think it can go in low-temp. You *can* buy a different handle, but you *must* buy a handle, which if off-putting to me after hundreds of dollars for the thing itself.

      1. mreasy*

        LC standard kid handle can go in the oven for things like stews, under 350 or so. The hubbub about needing alternate handles started around the Jim Lacey bread recipe, which requires a very hot oven (too hot for the standard pot handle). The ones they come with don’t heat up as much as the steel option and I find are more comfortable in the hand…but yes, it’s annoying to have to buy an “attachment” to something that is already so pricey!

      2. Buni*

        Public Health Warning: Do NOT go on the Le Creuset web page. I can spend hours there just weeping at all the things in beautiful colours that I cannot afford (the Mugs! All the colours of the MUGS!).

        I have a couple of smaller LC, one round and one oval 6″, but that’s where all my m0ney would go.

      3. university minion*

        Cover the knob in tin-foil and it’s fine for considerably higher temps.
        That said, I love my Target enameled cast iron that I got for about $25, twenty years ago. I have no desire for anything fancier – I don’t know how one could improve on it. It’s easily my most-used piece of cookware.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I keep looking at really expensive moss wall art on Etsy that I can’t justify actually buying, like this:

      https://www.etsy.com/listing/571232413/artisan-moss-70-x-36-real-preserved-moss?ref=shop_home_active_2&frs=1&crt=1

      (I have one of the big Le Creuset dutch ovens you mentioned. I love it but I wouldn’t say it’s significantly better than cooking in any other dutch oven, other than giving me pleasure to look at. You are probably making the right choice.)

      1. Summersun*

        I’ve seen this as art projects in Martha Stewart-type home mags, but I had no idea people were charging this kind of money for it. WUT.

        Apparently moss is now big business. My husband was tending an oddly-shaped moss he found on our state nature trail (I think he’s part fae, plants adore him). Just as he was getting it to flourish, some jackhole dug it all out and stole it. From government-owned land!

        1. pieforbreakfast*

          My husband works in city parks and plants are stolen all. the. time. And evergreen trees in December. It’s so bizarre and frustrating for him.

      2. DistantAudacity*

        OMG! That’s gorgeous – Thanks for that. Not. /s

        I may or may not have just bought a smaller, similar item.

        (I also purchased several things from the original thread. Hi, baking item! Hi, Popsy dress that is still on its way!)

      3. Leap Day Highway*

        We have wall-mounted moss in our office! It’s super cool. (But it’s the living version and I really hope it’s not all dead, since we’ve been fully remote since March.)

        Ours isn’t a whole wall like that but part of a artsy sound-dampening tile setup – there are hexagonal foam (?) tiles arranged on the wall, and every few tiles is actually moss. Something like that might be a less expensive option!

    4. Amber Rose*

      High quality steel cooking knives. They’re like $1000 though and I have perfectly functional ceramic knives for much less money.

    5. mreasy*

      I have never found a competing Dutch oven to match my Le Creuset. One bought on clearance and one at the outlet, because full price is absurd, I agree – but I use them constantly and know I will have them forever.

    6. Helvetica*

      The Cartier Tank watch. I love the design and think it is a beautiful piece but even though I could afford it, I could not imagine spending so much money (3500 and upwards) on a watch. So I have another one in a similar style, which I am content with.

    7. Forensic13*

      See, that amuses me because Le Creuset are the ONLY thing I have deliberately allowed myself to splurge on even though I know they’re at least half-hype. I grew up poor and have issues with buying the cheapest thing/something that will actually last and work well, so they’re the thing that’s helping me break through that hang-up!

    8. KoiFeeder*

      I want a massage chair. Like, the full-on zero gravity, myofascial release, genuinely full-body massage chair. This will never happen, for many reasons. But I still want one.

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Baby Lock embroidery machine. And then you start buying fabric, stabilizer, thread, needles, learning software to digitize your own embroidery. Honestly, for me it’s not the money as much as knowing it’s just one more hobby I won’t have time for.

    10. BRR*

      Im with you on the Le Creuset. I have a lodge non-enamel and I just don’t think I’d miss anything. Sort of similar I’d love the challenger bread pan. It’s a cast iron pan specially for artisan bread but wayyyy too expensive for just bread (theyve also raised the price a couple of times and Im sort of peeved at them). And I bake a ton of bread but I’d rather spend the money on an ice cream maker (currently the thing at the top of my realistic wish list).

      1. Windchime*

        I just bought one of these in April and I love, love, love it. And now I’m going to move and it’s hard to find a place with a big enough room. Oooops. Should have opted for the 10 foot table instead of the 12 foot!

    13. Not A Manager*

      I adore my Le Creuset dutch ovens. I have four that I bought over about 35 years – a large round one, a large oval one, and two small round ones. I bought them all on sale and accepted whatever colors were available (there was still a choice, and I like almost all their colors).

      The lifetime warranty is FOR REAL. Two of mine discolored over time/got very small chips on the edges from general hard use. It was completely user error, or just user, which I was upfront about when I requested the return under warranty. They do have a procedure – you need to email for a return slip, you pay the postage, and ***if*** they decide that it’s not covered under the warranty, they don’t send it back to you, they just give you a discount on a new one. But, that said, I don’t know anyone whose return was ever denied, including mine. I sent back two that I’d bought decades ago, and they shipped me two brand-new ones.

      I have plastic knobs on three of mine and regularly bake in them at 425° without a problem. I think the metal ones are good up to 550°. You can buy them with either kind of knob, you don’t have to pay extra for the metal one.

      I use mine for stove-top cooking like soups and sauces. You have to work very hard to burn something onto the bottom or scorch it. I also use them in the oven for very low-temp cooking, and for very high-temp cooking. Also bread.

      They are SUPER heavy and can be hard on my already-wonky wrists and elbows.

      1. SpellingBee*

        Same here! I have only one small round one, though. A number of years ago I sent my large round one in on a warranty claim because the finish on the bottom was roughened and badly discolored, and they promptly sent me a brand new one of the same color. I’m lusting after a 3,5 qt braiser now, although I haven’t brought myself to the purchase point yet. Goodness knows I don’t need it, but it’s so cunning! And the colors are all gorgeous. I use my big oval one the least, but the other 2 are in regular rotation. The small one is perfect for a half batch of risotto.

    14. Ali G*

      I have a Staub coquette, which might make me even more crazy than the Le Creuset sects, but it does bring me joy. It has a metal knob, so It can go in a hot oven and it’s just so pretty :) I had a cheaper dutch oven that started to discolor and crack and since I needed to replace it, I figured I would just spend the money to get something I would have forever.
      For me, I would never spend a ton of money on a car. I don’t like to spend a lot, and I drive them until they die. I can’t imagine spending like $50k on a car! It’s silly. I bought my current car in 2011 for ~$25k and I paid if off a whale ago and that’s the car I will have until it’s dead.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I don’t want to out myself to my family, but I’ve been giving the Staub as wedding gifts to the really beloved family members. (La Sur has it at deep discount for either the coquette or a braiser about 2x a year). Regular Lodge cast iron skillets etc for other gifts (especially if you don’t own any good pans). But a wedding? You get Staub. I have a couple pieces of the Le Cruset from 198X… still great. I just like the black interior of the Staub as well.

        The Le Crueset lasagna pan / casserole dish is heavy enough I could use it as a small kettlebell. But it’s held up for 45 years…. Definitely worth it.

    15. Sylvan*

      I want a yellow Floyd couch with the birch base. The three-seat size with a chaise.

      But it’s ~1.5 paychecks, lmao.

    17. valentine*

      For me it’s a really big Le Creuset dutch oven. Love them but can’t justify paying that price
      If you would use it more, break the cost down to the per-use amount. Does that seem worth it? If they’re returnable, it’s worth trying it out, just to see if what you wanted was some kind of experience or to chase a memory it called to mind.

      I would argue it’s worth it if it would bring you joy.

    18. All the cats 4 me*

      This is mine: a Miele rotary iron for fabric and sheets.

      Not only is it toooooo much money, but I have no space for it in my house. But I waaaant it!

    19. Ranon*

      Half circle black wool cloak with hood, lined in a nice cotton flannel or more wool. For the sole purpose of being nice and warm while also being my witch costume for trick or treating with my kiddo in a climate we don’t even live in yet.

      1. Sc@rlettNZ*

        Oh, her work is lovely – I love the fox (I recently completed a similiar piece – I’m a mosaic artist in NZ).

    21. Liane*

      I want a Harpsicle lap harp. I’ve wanted to learn to play for years. It isn’t happening any time soon, alas. :(

  48. juliebulie*

    Anyone else sign up for ThredUp last week? I did, and haven’t heard from them at all – no shipping notice, nothing. Did I fail to do something correctly, or does it just take them a while?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      You should be able to log in and find the order in your account, with a status. If it’s not there, you’ll know it didn’t go through for some reason. If it *is* there and you haven’t received any emails, it might be in your spam folder.

    2. Lovesick or Something*

      I love ThredUP and have used it for a while, but they do have a tendency to get really behind. The last time I ordered a box it took a little over the estimated time. And with Corona, things are even slower (I’ve sent in some bags that won’t be processed until November!)

    4. PNW Dweller*

      If you signed up for a curated box, that can take a while. When I pick my own stuff it comes quickly and they communicate better. I could not find confirmation of my first curated order. But it eventually came, and the following boxes arrived with consistency.

    5. juliebulie*

      I just got a shipping notice!

      It does make sense that a curated goody box might take a little longer.

  49. Amber Rose*

    So, I’m going to therapy today. With my coverage I can afford exactly two appointments. Is there even going to be a point to this or am I just wasting my time, do you think? :/

    Small health rant: everyone and their dog likes to suggest solutions to my problem. I’ve been dealing with it for a year and a half. Does it never occur to anyone that I’m not a moron and I’ve probably tried a few things? Even the lady taking my blood today was like “just eat peanuts and drink water.” Just shut up FFS. I’m halfway to wanting to just not do stuff that I know is good for me out of spite.

    I really can’t stand people.

    1. squareround*

      I was diagnosed with one therapy related problem. Everyone then focused on that and giving advice and so on. Professionals that I got for free through the Government focused on it. But I wasn’t getting better.

      I paid to see a top shelf expert therapist. Turns out I have TWO independent therapy problems. Once everyone had found the first one they just stopped and focused on that. And it turns out the second problem is my main problem. The therapist could snap that up in two appointments, although I continue to see them – at great expense.

      Sometimes it is worth paying for expert advice. And also considering that many people are not skilled enough to give advice. The idea there could be TWO problems was just beyond nearly everyone. Good luck.

    2. WellRed*

      Are you constantly bringing up your problem? If so, stop. If you don’t talk about then I’d find a stick phrase to deflect and change the subject. Hopefully, the therapist can give you some…tips/exercises/coping mechanisms to help you manage if you can only afford 2 sessions.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        True. Often “well have you tried X” is just a person’s way of saying “you’ve burned through my tolerance for listening to you vent about this.”

      2. Amber Rose*

        I mean, I pretty much just bring it up with nurses/medical people and whenever I’m asking about modifying recipes.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I am soooo sympathetic. There is something about a bad medical diagnosis, a chronic health problem, or a job search that just brings out the arm-chair expert in folks. When my husband was super sick and we were flying across the country for his treatment (so a fair inference would be that we had done a LOT of research into his condition), people would constantly suggest stuff to us that their cousin had tried or that they read about in Newsweek. Drove me nuts.

    4. PNW Dweller*

      If you have an EAP through work, they may also provide counseling. Ours offers 4 sessions per year at no cost.

    5. Anono-me*

      Well she’s all wrong. You need to eat the water and drink the peanuts.

      All jokes aside. People get one pass free with non committal comments like “interesting” or “that’s something to think about”. If they keep going, I tell them firmly that I’m happy with my doctor and our plan. If they still won’t shut up, I walk away and avoid them as much as possible afterwards.

      1. Anono-me*

        Sorry only half of my post posted.

        So I have to walk away lot. It’s especially frustrating at work, because I can’t exactly ignore people I’m working on a project with forever.

        What’s really frustrating is a lot of my symptoms are visible. A recent treatment change lead to new side effects, some of which are also visible. So people who were quiet, have started up again.

        I just want to bring a can of pennies (that people use to train their cats) with me some days.

  50. Donkey Hotey*

    Totally random question for the UK side of AAM:
    In the US, we have a game called Clue. It’s sold in the UK as Cluedo.
    Is the second syllable pronounced to rhyme with “clue” or is it “dough”?

    2. fposte*

      It’s a play on Ludo (pronounced Lou-dough), which is an earlier British board game; in the US that’s called Parcheesi.

      1. Buni*

        …which was called Ludo in the first place because it’s Latin for ‘I play’ and ‘game’.

        But yes, definitely loo-dough and thus clue-dough.

  51. Lovesick or Something*

    I really enjoyed reading the stories and advice on last weeks thread about love & significant others/partners, and I’d love to hear more anecdotes! Meet cutes, funny stories, simple things that make you happy, things you do to strengthen relationships, date ideas… Any of the positives or funnies!

    I just had my birthday and my boyfriend was really lovely. Nailed the gift he didn’t need to get me (a far too expensive item from my favorite brand that he researched and picked out with zero prompting from me! He wasn’t even aware it was one of my favorites, just knew I really loved the one I already had from them.) We also did dinner but I got incredibly sick halfway through (not Covid related) and he spent the days taking care of me. He’s really nailed that part – he waits until I ask for something, but is otherwise just quietly there, not an overprotective mother hen.

    I also despise people watching me brush my teeth (Something he also wasn’t aware of), but I wanted an aftertaste gone and did not care and he made a remark about how cute I looked doing it. Sometimes I swear he wrote the user manual for me.

    1. squareround*

      This is a past love but still a sweet story. My college ex and I broke up under a cloud and never spoke again, leaving a bit unfinished. He had one of those Covid related things where people want to speak to their exes 10 years later. He got in touch and we had a really nice chat and got closure. He wasn’t hitting on me, he genuinely wanted to wrap a few things up we hadn’t. He said some really nice things about how he hadn’t appreciated me enough at the time and it was just nice to hear.

      We easily spoke for a few hours and while he’s not the right guy for me it reminded me that some dates I have had trouble having conversation with and that it is out there to find someone that you can easily talk to for a long time. We haven’t spoken since and that one off was a great way to tie off unfinished business and it came with some nice compliments I still feel good about.

    2. Alexandra Lynch*

      My partners are great.
      Girlfriend listens to me vent, and affirms me, and is always good for a hug. Also she’s good at cheesy sexual comments that make me giggle no matter what. She will often just do the dishes or tidy something up because she knows that will make my day easier, and that’s the gift of love I like. I can talk to her for hours and hours and always enjoy it. She has an amazing enthusiasm for life and a wonderful drive for self-improvement. She really makes me want to live up to her, in all the good ways. I love watching her in college, and seeing her prove to herself she can do it, and watching her learn and grow.

      Boyfriend has taught me to be more emotionally open and honest about my feelings. He’s been endlessly supportive as I lose weight, and hasn’t said a word about the cost of getting new clothing as I drop sizes, and supports that I read as a stim, and praises me extensively for the way I care for the house and for him and Girlfriend, which includes working round our mental illnesses and giving us all order and routine and stability. He’s excited about the novel I’m writing, and he’s always willing to talk character motivations out with me. He says that his first priority in life is to take care of me, and he makes his decisions accordingly.

      It’s all very healing after my first marriage. Three in a relationship with power exchange isn’t usual, but it’s the shape that works for us, and we have so much laughter and support in this household, I wouldn’t want to live any other way, ever. Even if we do have a sign on the wall that says “Relax. We’re all crazy. It’s not a competition.”

    3. Generic Name*

      Your story about getting sick partway through your celebration reminds me of the first Christmas I spent with my now husband. We were at a small cabin in the mountains, incredibly picturesque and romantic. Cute enamel wood burning stove. The works. Christmas Eve, then boyfriend says he can’t wait any longer so we open our gifts. We make love in front of the wood burning stove. Just amazing. Then, in the middle of the night I wake up with incredible abdominal cramps and spend the next 3 days vomiting etc. I’m a terrible patient and I laid around moaning and complaining. After all that he still decided he wanted to marry me. :)

    4. Nita*

      Right now my husband is taking the kids for a long walk so I can finish my reports instead of working on them all night. He even put up with the five-year-old’s demands for a piggyback ride so they wouldn’t have to come home early. That’s just *hearteyes*

    5. LNLN*

      My husband and I have been together 45 years (married 41). Our relationship really improved after we stopped blaming each other for being ourselves. As in, “You are not me and I am not going to fault you for having the traits and characteristics that make you who you are (thank you, Enneagram!!!).” And I became a lot happier when I decided not to expect my husband to make me happy. One day, when we had been fighting a lot, I thought about how I wanted my life to be. What did I want that evening to be like. So when hubby came home, I had a nice dinner cooked, music on the stereo, and a bottle of wine. I told him I wanted to enjoy dinner together, listen to music and talk. Turns out, that was what he wanted, too! The more I take responsibility for the own happiness, the better my life is. And, I think the better his life life is, too. Since I love him dearly, that is very important to me!

      1. CJM*

        I love this and have learned similar lessons in 39 years of marriage (as of this week). Thanks for sharing!

    6. migrating coconuts*

      I was a divorced mom of 2 kids under 4, my ex was an ass. I always said I had 3 kids but divorced one. I had a good education and a good tech job. I decided I wasn’t ever going to get married again, men just wanted too much from a woman and returned very little. I just wanted to go out occasionally and have fun. So after moving back home to be near family, and getting a new job, I met a guy through a work friend. He seemed fun and nice, so I asked him out. Just to go clubbing and dancing occasionally. We have now been married 28 years and he is the best man I have ever known. We like a lot of the same things, but allow each other to have our own interests. We had a child together and it was a busy life raising 3 kids, working, house, etc. But we found time to spend together wherever we could. For a long time it seemed we never got to go out without the kids unless it was somewhere like a home improvement store. So we always made sure we held hands walking in the parking lot and called it date night. It was our little joke. It’s the little things that count. Never take each other for granted.

    8. The Rat-Catcher*

      I’ve been with DH for 8 years. Six months ago, I mentioned how most Nintendo Gamecube games had been remade for the Switch except for two of my favorites, one of which was Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles. Then I forgot about it. Turns out, it had been in a minor development hell and he’d been following it for months. He surprised me by buying it the day it came out. It was such a small thing (it was about half the price of most games for that system) but you would really have to know me to know I would like that.

  52. Cimorene*

    This is for all my coffee connoisseurs! I need recommendations on what to invest in to make a good cup of coffee. Details: already have a nespresso and a keurig. Most mornings i use the nespresso to make a latte but lately i am finding that i just want a good cup of coffee and the keurig…just isn’t cutting it for me anymore. Don’t usually drink more than one to two cups so I don’t need to make massive amounts. Am trying to balance getting the best cup of jo i can but resistant to super fussy/involved process or having to invest in tons of new stuff. Thoughts? Do i try pour over (even though everyone says you need to grind your own beans and get a gooseneck teakettle)? opinions on grinding own beans or not (which would mean buying a grinder)? should i just go back to a good drip coffee maker and decent quality ground coffee? I would say I am not a coffee snob but i can tell the difference between a mediocre coffee (sorry keurig) and high quality and would probably be ok somewhere in between. looking forward to hearing y’alls opinions

    1. Ranon*

      We’re team Aeropress in our house- yes, there’s some gear (and an electric kettle is a big help) but the gear removes all thinking from the equation (if you stay away from the gear head rabbit holes) and the outcome is consistently good.

      1. Lady Alys*

        +1 on the Aeropress. Easiest way to make one glorious smooth cup of coffee, and it packs nicely for travel too!

        1. Coffee*

          Yes to the aeropress, inexpensive, easy to use (but you can play around with the process), makes good coffee, and easy to clean

    2. Nacho*

      You don’t need all that. Just buy a few mason jars. Stick one cup coarsely ground coffee in a jar, fill it the rest of the way with water, and leave it over night. The next morning, filter it into another jar using a funnel and a coffee filter, then dilute to taste. That should be enough to last you about a week depending on how strong you like it.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yup. We make cold brew and drink it hot (concentrate with hot water). Our method is similar, but I use a Toddy, which isn’t expensive but not necessary– Nacho’s method is fine. Don’t buy bottled cold brew concentrate, it’s pricey. I mean, you can, but you don’t need to. We just buy bags of beans and grind them at the store.

        When we run out of cold brew, we make coffee in a small French press. We do keep some whole beans around for that and a grinder.

    3. BRR*

      For a long period I enjoyed fresh grinding my beans and using a french press. I’d then use a good travel mug to keep it hot so I didn’t have to use the French press more than once.

    4. Helvetica*

      I have a moka pot, or a stove-top espresso maker, which I love and which I think makes the best at home coffee. The key is to getting the good, espresso-style coffee, and you need a bit of patience but I think it makes the best strong and flavoursome home coffee. Also, easy to maintain, not a lot of extra expense. I don’t grind my own beans but I do get good coffee.

      1. pieforbreakfast*

        A friend has moka pot and I agree the coffee is delicious. Can you use a it on an electric flat top stove?

        1. Helvetica*

          I do! The only time I’ve had trouble was with induction because the pot’s diameter was too small for the induction stove to pick it up. But it works on electric and gas for sure.

    5. Not A Manager*

      We use a two-dollar one-cup plastic pour-over with a paper filter. I do not use any kind of special water boiler. I grind the coffee fresh, but that’s not very hard. We used to use a small bladed grinder where you push the top down to make it grind, but we upgraded to an electric burr grinder a few years ago.

      One tip: Don’t use boiling-hot water as it will scorch the coffee. Try to keep it in the 200°-205° F. range.

    6. Purt’s Peas*

      I do pourover and I find it easy and pleasant. I use pre-ground coffee. Already had a gooseneck kettle for some reason, but any kettle you can set to the right temp (I use 200) would do.

      I actually find it very unfussy—I for some reason HATE making coffee, it’s one of my least favorite things I do every day, and pourover is so much less annoying than drip coffee or French press. You don’t have to screw around with little pieces and buttons or dismantle shit just to throw away the old grounds. I like it a lot.

      1. Cimorene*

        this sounds like the kind of experience i am looking for. i think i might be like you, i love coffee and coffee drinks and i really like good tasting coffee but i….kind of dislike all the steps to get there. maybe a dumb question, but how do you set for 200 degrees (other than electric kettle)? do you just use a thermometer and take the temp until it gets to 200?

        1. Dan*

          The way my goose neck works is that there’s a lever you push that will boil the water and then shut off altogether. You then count seconds off the boil. Temp matters, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. I sort of wonder if a more precise kettle is worth it, but my rule of thumb in life is buy cheap until you know it doesn’t work for you and then get something more expensive once you understand the value of it. Cheap has gotten me through most things in life, and I have yet to get that precise-temp kettle.

        2. Purt’s Peas*

          I have one where you can set the temperature, but you can also do the boil+time thing. I got the bona vita gooseneck kettle when I had my first job and thought that I had all the money in the world lol

        3. Ktelzbeth*

          I’ve just figured out how long in the microwave gets the water to the right temperature and always put it in for the same amount of time. This may also address your question of whether you have to have a gooseneck kettle. I like my coffee better than almost anywhere I go to buy it, even supposedly fancy coffee shops.

      2. Reba*

        I’m like Purt’s Peas — I do pourover, but I don’t do it to the letter of Extreme Precision Optimized Coffee Experience that seems to accompany the pour over method.

        The fussy parts I have are a good grinder and the gooseneck kettle (a stovetop). I also buy nice locally-roasted beans, and use the lightest roasts as I think they have more interesting coffee flavors.

        I boil the kettle, let it sit for a few seconds off heat and assume it’s reached the right-ish temp, and pour over the freshly ground coffee. I use paper filters. I don’t time and I don’t weigh. Voila.

        Cimorene, I would just get a good coffee maker if I were you, and please dump the pod things!

    7. Dan*

      I was getting bored with Keurig and went the snob route. Last week I had a couple of all day meetings online where I wasn’t in the mood to baby sit my coffee and decided to burn through some of the pods I had left. Holy crap were those pods one dimensional and some outright nasty.

      My opinion? Yes, you do the pour over. Yes, you get the goose neck kettle, yes you get the scale, and yes you get the burr grinder.

      A good burr grinder is actually the most expensive part of the rig, but IMHO worth it. The thing is, different beans bring out different flavors at different grind sizes. When I do pour over, I’ve noticed that different beans will bring out different profiles at different grind sizes. This can be important (and not so much a snob thing) because some beans/roasts can get really sour at finer grinds, and yet there are other beans where that same fine(r) grind is the thing you may want. I’m usually spending $1/oz on my pour over coffee, and the craft roasters are selling 12 oz bags. If you grind at the store and grind the wrong size, you’ve just ground $12 worth of coffee the wrong way. For reference, a 12oz bag of coffee (standard size) is going to generate 17 brewed cups or so.

      Nacho describes a technique that is known as “cold brew”. Doing this “right” is different than what you would do with pour over. For one thing, you use a much coarser grind. Second, whereas pour over will draw out the highlights of more expensive beans, the yield in cold brew is pretty bad, so you’re often wasting your money if you use more expensive beans.

      I do both. I have a pour over on the counter, and keep cold brew in the fridge. I use different grinds and different blends for both, depending on what I want to do. And I’m always buying a different bag every week.

      If you are just trying to make a good cup of copy with the least amount of gear, I think cold brew may be the path you are looking for. You can coarse grind the stuff at the store. I bought a dedicated cold brew maker that doesn’t require additional filters, and is super convenient to use, so worth the cost over just the mason jar route IMHO. But if you spend a few bucks and acquire some equipment, you can really give yourself a broad coffee horizon, which I think is worth something.

    8. Cimorene*

      some additional thoughts in response to a few of the suggestions so far (thanks to everyone who has responded already!): not really a cold brew person. And although i like a good latte, when i drink a regular cup of joe I am generally not looking for an espresso like coffee. more of a medium body person for a straight cup of joe. Doesn’t mean i won’t drink a dark roast but not necessarily looking for a brew method that leans toward espresso like.

      1. Quandong*

        I think it’s worth trying a stovetop espresso with the best beans or finely ground coffee you can get. I used a french press for years but find stovetop espresso makes the right coffee for me, the flavour is stronger and more complex.

        2. Helvetica*

          Yeah, I was also going to say – despite the name, a stovetop espresso does not make an espresso! You do need the coffee to be ground to espresso size but you could use regular coffee. I understand your hesitation about it, so if you could try it without making a purchase, that might help. It is darker and stronger but I drink it like a regular cup of coffee with a splash of milk.

    9. Observer*

      What’s wrong with the Keurig? It could be that you could get different k-cups that you would like better, or that it needs a cleaning.

      If neither is the case, I like the aeropress. I have a standard pour over and an aeropress, and the aeropressis definitely better. It’s not expensive and doesn’t need much fuss. The disposable filters are not expensive, but you can also get a reusable one if you want to avoid the extra garbage.

    10. Esmeralda*

      I buy coffee at a local cafe that grinds the beans for me. Good quality beans, fresh. I used to buy enough for about a week because I was at that cafe pretty often (close to work), but now I’m buying a couple weeks worth at a time.

      I usually use a mini french press (because i’m the only coffee drinker in the house) or a “clever coffee dripper” (if you google that you will see how it works). I use a plain ol on the stove kettle to heat the water, which I take straight from the tap. Follow directions for french press or the clever (they’re different). Let stand four minutes. Excellent coffee. I think the clever dripper makes a better cup but the french press is good.

      We have good quality city water from the tap, no issues with hard or soft water. Good quality beans and keeping the beans in contact w the hot water for the requisite time make the difference.

      1. Esmeralda*

        BTW: I love a good latte but that’s what my local cafes are for and they sure need the business.

        At home I make a fake-latte: make the coffee stronger than usual, microwave milk, pour em together about 1 to 1. I have a cute little frother someone gave me, so sometimes I’ll froth the milk in my large coffee mug, then carefully pour the coffee in along the side so it doesn’t disturb the foam. But usually I don’t bother.

        And I have gone the coffee nut route, with the gear and grinding the beans fresh and checking water temp etc. That is a very good cup of coffee, but not so much better that I want to spend the time.

        Best cup of coffee I’ve ever had was at a beach hotel in costa rica. There was a coffee station for guests to make their own coffee. The coffee maker ground the beans and did a slow pour over. (Staff set up the coffee maker, I only had to push a button). Holy moly, that coffee was amazing! I bought beans in costa rica and those made really really good coffee when I got home to the states. But nothing like that coffee by the pool at that hotel….

    11. c-*

      I use a stovetop coffee maker, I think they’re called moka pots in the States. Easy to brew, quick, easy to clean, small, inexpensive, no additional gear needed. Just stick it on a heat source and wait.

      You do need to make sure it’s full (water deposit and coffee grounds container, else you’ll get weak coffee), so get a small one if you don’t like to have left-over coffee (it keeps and reheats well, tho).

  53. Marguerite*

    Is there a way to change your dental hygienist without seeming like you’re high maintenance? I like my Dentist, but the hygienist is a pain. She makes comments about my “small jaw” and reminds me to floss, which I do. She makes comments about how I didn’t in the past, but that isn’t true and we once got into an argument about it.

    If I call them, what should I say? I don’t want it to be awkward or cause trouble, I just want to feel comfortable when I go there.

    1. MinotJ*

      I did this and it was less awkward than I expected. I did it when it was time to make my next appointment and when they said “Betsy has availability on February 9th”, I said “I’d like to go with a different hygienist.” And the receptionist didn’t bat an eye – just paired me up with a different hygienist (my favorite ever). I think it’s more common that we expect.

      If you wanted to lead with somethingother than announcing that you want to change your hygienist, you could call to change the date of your appointment, and sneak the other change in along with it.

      1. Quagga*

        This was my experience as well. No questions asked, no comments! Way less fraught than I was anticipating.

    2. Suffering spouse*

      I had a hygienist once who I thought was excessively rough. I complained to my dentist about her- was told I was not the first person to complain. Never saw her again in that office.

      I would not- do not – care if someone thinks I am high maintenance. I will not be bullied and treated badly by anyone.

      1. Windchime*

        Same here. I went to a new dentist and the hygienist was very “jabby”. It felt like she was alternating between tentative and super jabby (plus she talked my leg off), so I just asked for a different person next time. Not a problem, and now I won’t see anyone else because I love my new hygienist.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        And if they do care, they can go home and tell their whole family about the terrible person who wanted a different hygienist. Super great for anyone who works in a medical or dental office if that’s the worst call they get all day long. Either way, not your problem at all.

      2. Worked in IT forever*

        Exactly. I would just ask for another hygienist. I am buying a service. It’s medical, but it’s still a service. I wouldn’t put up with a mechanic I wasn’t happy with, either. I am either paying the dentist with my own money or using up my benefits. I are entitled to be happy with what I paid for.

        I once complained to the front desk person after I got a substitute hygienist who seemed unsure of what she was doing, was not thorough enough, and (icing on the cake) was not following good sanitary procedures. (I had to tell her not to stick her hands in my mouth after sticking her hands in the garbage. This was pre-COVID, but that doesn’t make it better.) This was at a practice that I’d been going to for many, many years and was normally top notch. I was crystal clear that I was very unhappy, and I always got scheduled with the person I wanted after that. The front desk took the complaint seriously, with no pushback.

    4. brushandfloss*

      When you call to make your appointment just request not to be with that hygienist. We really try not to take things personally and unless the front desk tells me I would never know.

    5. Trixie*

      This is timely because I remember liking one dental hygienist I had almost year ago and would like to try again. I’m in there regularly for teeth alignment and plan to ask them to review my records to see if that person is still on staff.

      This is similar to switching stylists at the salon which is entirely doable. (Even if it feels awkward.)

    7. All the cats 4 me*

      I once told my dentist I never wanted HurtsMeALot hygenist ever again. A few years later
      I showed up for a regular appointment to find I was booked with HurtsMeALot. I said no, I am not having this. Either find me a different hygenist, or I am leaving. They found me someone else.

      I now go to a lovely person who works at a different practice. I have followed her every time she has moved. There is no reason you can’t see a hygenist at a different practice if thats best for you (in Canada, anyway).

    8. Choggy*

      Yup, I’ve “fired” dental hygienists in the past, especially those who make you feel bad (or worse, hurt you) while you are their captive audience. There is no reason for that at all, and I don’t put up with it. I remember one hygienist “Barbara” who I no longer saw after both my husband and I had her and agreed she sucked. The practice I have been going to for many, many years makes sure all of its staff are kind and welcoming. No one likes going to the dentist, why make it any more uncomfortable than necessary?

  54. Nacho*

    Has anybody tried an ergonomic mouse before? My old mouse died so I figured I’d try something new and got a vertical one (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07ZWLJWX8). It’s a little weird and hard to get used to, but I’m not sure how much of that is the mouse type and how much of that is just being a new mouse that I have to break in.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I was getting repetitive strain pain in my hand and arm until I got a trackball mouse, which has worked for me for many years. I tried the kind you mention and couldn’t get the hang of them.

      There are different trackball designs from the trackball type. I can’t remember the manufacturer for the one I have at my office. At home, I use the Logitech Trackman marble mouse.

      One of the things I like about the trackball is that it’s symmetrical so you can use it with either hand. Switching it back and forth has been helpful for avoiding strain.

    2. Alex*

      I love my vertical mouse, and I didn’t find it hard to get used to at all. It helped a ton with my shoulder pain.

      Maybe it’s not right for you? I’d give it a few more days but I had no trouble adjusting myself.

    3. Trixie*

      In addition to the track ball or ergonomic mouse, I highly recommend the mousepad with wrist rest. (As well as keyboard wrist rest in general.) If I have nothing else, I use my pocketbook or something similar to keep my wrist elevated. I have not tried the ergonomic keyboards but am curious if others have.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Yes, I have an ergonomic keyboard both at work and at home in addition to my trackball mouse. The combo works great.

    4. Summersun*

      I use the Evoluent VerticalMouse 4 and like the shape a lot.

      My only complaint is that I need the Mac version, and the customization has never worked across multiple machines (one iMac and two MacBook Pros), so their bragging about the interface app with 6 button features is total BS. I have standard left/right click, and that’s it. Reviews say that this is a common issue, and that the PC version works fine.

  55. Sopranistin*

    What are your plans for the holidays this year? (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years…) Are you changing your traditions or plans because of Covid?
    My husband’s family – parents, 4 siblings, their partners and children – are renting a vacation home together for the long Thanksgiving weekend. Two of the siblings live out of state. I am shocked that they feel safe sharing a living space, with no plans to quarantine beforehand or afterward.
    My husband and I declined the invitation, but everyone else is going. We have a great relationship with them, so I feel sad that we will miss out on the trip and family time. It was difficult to say no, but I just don’t think it’s safe.
    Since the pandemic, we’ve only spent time with family outside. I am unsure how/if we can safely visit once winter comes.
    I should also mention that my mom is immunocompromised. We live closeby and visit often with my son. Essentially, she’s in my pod. So I feel I need to be extra careful for her sake.

    1. D3*

      No plans yet. But we’ve skipped out on everything our families have done so far. Even the family members who are high risk are not being careful (traveling, large family gatherings, etc.) and it’s so frustrating.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      We haven’t made any plans yet, but I expect they will be very low-key. Depending on the situation we might try to visit the in-laws but it’s not looking promising. We might get my brother-in-law to come stay with us but he might refuse as he’d have to take the train.

    3. CatCat*

      We usually go out to dinner with elderly relatives for Thanksgiving. I keep setting aside money to pay for the dinner even though I doubt the dinner is going to happen :(

    4. Filosofickle*

      I’m not looking forward to sorting that out. My family is extremely small and careful, not worried about them. It’s basically just my parents and me anyway. My partner’s family is more unwieldy and unconcerned — I wouldn’t say they’re reckless but they’re doing a lot more than I’m comfortable with. For example, last weekend his niece brought her small baby to see my partner’s parents (the great grandparents) and he, aunt, sister, brother, etc joined. So 8 people indoors, hugging and kissing, with zero intent to minimize contact. Niece has also been taking the baby all around and, so lots of exposure from her and her mom who works in a very high risk environment. I declined to go. If they’d even hold these things outside I’d feel better.

      ANYWAY my point is that I really hope things are more clear by November. I don’t have to travel — which I would not do — but I will be expected to go to their gatherings and hope I can feel good about it by that time.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      We can’t visit the Canadian family because the border is closed so Canadian Thanksgiving is out. We can’t risk visiting my parents on the other coast because my mom just finished chemo and may have more coming up. She misses us and wants to come out here later this fall like they usually do but I am gently putting her off because it’s way, way too risky. Not sure about the December holidays – if everything is still virtual (school and work) we could go up to Canada and deal with the 2 week quarantine as the holiday itself… maybe. But the extended family up there are in schools doing in-person instruction (for now) so there’s additional risk to the point where they probably won’t visit either.

      So, I foresee a lot of Zoom calls this fall as the holidays hit.

    6. Alexandra Lynch*

      I…. have no idea yet. This drives me absolutely insane, because I am spectrum and I like to know what’s going to happen well in advance. And holidays ought to happen certain ways to be Right.

      I will probably have Thanksgiving with Boyfriend’s Mom and Dad, and heaven only knows with my mom. She is weird about Thanksgiving since Dad passed away three years ago, and does things like goes off and has chili with her Best Friend Evar (who I find weird and offputting, but OK….) or wildly untraditional stuff the weekend before and calls that Thanksgiving. So it will all depend on what she wants to do this year and what I want to do and what Boyfriend’s Mom wants me to do, because she’s delighted to have a younger woman to shift the cooking burden to. (And I love to cook, so it works nicely.) I dunno yet.

      My mother doesn’t like to talk about Christmas plans until I get together with her for my birthday on the 17th. I like to have more than a week, personally, to know what I’m doing, and while lately it’s been on the 24th and then I go with Boyfriend to his parents’ on the 25th, there’s no guarantees. We’ll see what happens. It drives me nuts, but she’s committed to being “open” for some reason, while my sister and I both try to figure out what she’s doing so we can work our other family commitments around it.

    7. Nessun*

      Thanksgiving and Christmas will be small affairs – I’ll go visit with the same married couple I know best for dinner, since I live alone, and they’re close friends in the city. I won’t be with family, as none of them are closer than 4 hours by plane and I’m not getting on a plane anytime this year. It’ll be quiet, and there will be phone/Skype calls, nothing much else is planned. I’m not too bothered because I’ve had time to get used to it.

    8. HannahS*

      Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and the Sukkot (the Jewish High Holidays), start in two weeks. It’ll be weird. We’ll go to synagogue online, and see our parents, and that’s it, probably. It’ll suck. But Passover was hard, too, for similar reason. It’s just going to be a weird year. I miss my community.

    9. BRR*

      I don’t think we’re going to be doing anything this year. Flying to my family is out. My in-laws are around too many people. My SIL floated us coming to them but her and her husband are back at work and their kid is in daycare. My cousin lives an hour away so we might do a reduced thanksgiving (it’s a big deal for that side of the family). But if that turns into a bigger gathering with my aunt and other cousins traveling in I wouldn’t go. Maybe a Friendsgiving if they’re not back in the office or if they haven’t been too social. I might have to settle for making some pies for some coworkers.

    10. Ali G*

      We usually host Thanksgiving, and have told my in-laws that we will host them if they still want to come, as long as everyone (including us) quarantines beforehand for at least 10 days.
      If they opt to not come, we might quarantine and go visit my brother for a week or so. He moved 2 years ago and we have yet to see his house, and now he has a serious GF and I’d like to meet her. Again, as long as everyone is being safe I am fine with that.
      Typically we fly to my parents for December holidays, but we had already decided we are knocking that back to every other year so we don’t have to travel every year, so we’ll be doing our own thing – which I so excited for!

    11. Ranon*

      Probably outside distanced Thanksgiving (we’re in the south, so should be fine temperature wise) with SIL we’ve been doing outside distanced dinners with. Christmas either just us or with my mom after everyone holes up for two weeks, depending on timing. We’re planning on spending a month at her place at some point this winter/ holiday as we are planning on pulling the kiddo from daycare before Thanksgiving (if not before then) as we expect cases to skyrocket because everyone will want to see their families.

      Otherwise, lots of video calls! My parents never traveled for winter holidays when I was a kid (and we already have a policy of never traveling for Thanksgiving, pandemic or no), so nuclear family celebrations suit me just fine.

    12. Nita*

      We’ll play it by ear. The kids are starting school, so I’m nervous about being around extended family until it’s clearer how safe this is. Hopefully by Thanksgiving we’ll have some feel for whether it’s risky to gather indoors…

    13. Might be Spam*

      I’m not looking forward to the holidays this year. Our holiday will be a Skype call with my son and daughter. It doesn’t help that I live alone and can’t have a pet in my apartment. I know it’s the responsible thing to do, but I am still sad about it.

    14. Disco Janet*

      This is going to be a sticky area for us. We live about 10 minutes away from my parents and 30-60 from my in laws (they have two homes and which one they do holidays at varies.) My parents have been quite careful, so we will probably spend it with just them. My mom will be bummed that she can’t invite the extended family, but is very concerned with protecting the health of my high risk dad and my son, so it will be just them and us.

      Husband’s family believe the virus isn’t a big deal and that it’s ridiculous we’re being so careful. Keep guilt tripping us for not visiting while they are constantly out and about with ridiculously large groups and at tourist destinations, and they only wear a mask when they are forced to. The grief they give us over Christmas when we decline to attend is going to be something awful. Fortunately my kids won’t be too upset – I’ve tried to explain tactfully when they ask about visiting them, but they’re smart kids and they get it.

    15. Chaordic One*

      My plans are still up in the air. I don’t feel completely safe from Covid, but am taking the precautions of working from home and always wearing a mask when I do go out. All the members of my family are doing the same, but I’m a little more worried now that my kindergarten and grade-school age nephews are back in socially distanced school part-time. My elderly parents have been good about wearing masks but, to my dismay, do visit their mask-wearing hair stylist.

      I realize there ‘s some risk in visiting them, but they really expect it. Of course, it is contingent on my being able to get time off from work, and work has been crazy since we reopened after being shutdown for a month. Any get together would be very low-key, just my sisters and myself if we can get away from our different jobs.

    16. PollyQ*

      IDK yet. There’s usually a whole multi/extended-family meal (with everyone in driving distance), but a large chunk of the attendees are in their late-seventies or eighties, so I can’t imagine the hosts will even try to do that. If they do, I won’t be attending, since I’ve got “underlying conditions” of my own. We did a big Zoom Passover, and it went quite well, but I think the difference there was that we had the ritual of reading the Haggadah to structure the evening.

      Failing that, the question is probably whether it’ll just be me & my parents, who have declared ourselves to be a pod, or whether my sister & her immediate family will join us. They’ve been very scrupulous about not being in confined spaces with us, but they’re actually not taking significantly more risks than the more vulnerable of us, so maybe lifting the restrictions for one day won’t appreciably raise our risk.

      Of course, a lot of this depends on how the disease is trending come late November. California’s numbers are much better than they were a month ago, and if that trend holds, then perhaps it’ll feel safer to gather. I’m not super optimistic though — I suspect numbers nationwide are about to go up, due to schools reopening, and that it may be widespread enough that it’ll affect CA, even though many/most schools are currently all-remote.

    17. CJM*

      I bet my husband and I will either stay home or meet our two adult daughters for a few hours as we wear face masks. Not sure yet, but I am sure that we won’t spend either Thanksgiving or Christmas with my mother or sister. My mom lives in a facility with at least one case of the virus, and we won’t go there for her sake (she might catch something from us if we’re even allowed to visit) and our own. She lives ten minutes from my sister and will probably spend the holidays with her. My sister and her family aren’t taking enough precautions for me to want to join them, and my sister’s okay with that. But I’m not sad about probably staying home this year. I’ve been yearning for a break from year-end holidays because of all the expectations and stress. I sure wouldn’t have picked a pandemic to give me that break, but it might be a silver lining.

  56. Annoyed*

    Aggressive door-to-door sales people. UGH. Why is this still a thing? Can we all just pinky swear to never buy from a door-to-door sales person so they all give up on it? I feel like it won’t stop until it no longer works!
    I work next to a window right by my front door, so they can see me and will stand there and bang on the door (the one with the obvious no soliciting sign) until I either answer or yell at them out the window to go away. It’s rude.
    Called the non-emergency line for one dude who came by four times in one day, even after I had told him through the window not to come back, and the police won’t respond for DTD sales people who are “just knocking” on doors. “If they start doing illegal stuff” I can call back.

    1. WellRed*

      How can you tell they are salespeople? Genuinely curious. I didn’t think that was a thing anymore but I have seen census workers lately.

    2. Filosofickle*

      Out of idle curiosity, what kind of place do you live?
      I ask because I get hardly any and I’m wondering if it’s geographic. I live in a highly walkable inner suburb in CA with lots of single family homes, so fairly ideal for door to door. I get maybe one a month, usually selling me energy, including Jehovah’s Witnesses and kids’ fundraisers. I have never had a Girl Scout come to my home and I wish they would! Something about the culture here just doesn’t do door to door. When I do get them, they aren’t persistent. (I’ve always worked from home so this is 15 years of anecdata.)

      I am so sorry these people bang on your door and even come back. That’s ridiculous.

    3. Courageous cat*

      I also do not get any door-to-door sales people almost ever. Maybe 1 every couple years. I wonder if there is a geographic component.

    4. RagingADHD*

      We get a few, not a lot.
      When I’m in the main room, I can see them coming up the walk. I proactively go outside, stand at the top of the porch stairs (so they are forced to look up at me) and say, “can I *help* you?” in my most Karenish voice.

      They start their pitch, I say no thank you and go inside, shut the door.

      I’ve never had anyone knock after that or come back a second time.

    5. All the cats 4 me*

      We seem to get a lot of natural gas company reps who are shilling a fixed price plan that is insanely stupid. We are in a small town ~9,000 people and the town office are like attack dogs when the DTD haven’t purchased a business license.

      So, the first thing I do is ask to see their business license. I have never been shown one, so I then advise the rep that I am calling the town to report them, and then enjoy a front row seat watching the bylaw officer track down the rep and issue a fine.

      Good times!

      1. Chaordic One*

        I had a coworker who told me this horrible story about how, after graduating from high school, for her first job she was recruited to be a DTD salesperson for magazines. They hired a group of people, loaded them into a minivan and drove them to a neighboring town where they all set out to sell magazine subscriptions. They were all arrested for not having business licenses! The coworker had to call her dad to bail her out of jail. I guess she never went back to the job. She paid a fine and that was it, but years later she was mortified by the experience and it haunted her.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Do you have a sign on your door?
      A friend has one that includes “religious people”.

      I have noticed around here that answering one’s door is optional now. People just randomly decide not to answer the door no matter what.

    7. lazy intellectual*

      Do you have to answer the door? There isn’t a whole lot they can do if they don’t answer. I imagine salespeople report back which houses are responsive and which aren’t, so hopefully you get marked down as an unresponsive one. I’ve never encountered door to door salespeople before though!

      1. Annoyed*

        They repeatedly bang on the door for 15-20 minutes until I respond, because they can see me in my office from the front door.
        And if you ignore all that ruckus, they leave and THEY COME BACK. Some of them, if you yell at them to leave, STILL COME BACK.
        I chuckled at bit at the idea that they would just mark it as unresponsive and not come back if you don’t answer.
        No answer is a repeat visit.
        It’s obnoxious. If simply not answering the door worked, I would not be posting.

        1. lazy intellectual*

          Wow yeah that is obnoxious. At this point, I would go full on Karen on these people – find out exactly who they are and try to see if I can leverage some form of local regulation against them so they get banned. That’s so weird!

          I used to be one of those people who would call up people and ask them if they would like to complete customer surveys. But we weren’t allowed to call the same number more than three times if they didn’t answer, and if they said “please don’t call back”, we automatically marked them as “don’t call back”. Same for when I used to canvas for political candidates. So I was hoping these people were similar but I guess not.

    8. ThePear8*

      Yeah I didn’t think these existed anymore but someone recently knocked on the door apparently trying to sell some landscaping services…unbeknownst to him my mom was doing her own landscaping outside and came from around the side of the house to shoo him off!

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Maybe up your signage: “Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.” /s If you have a “No soliciting” sign, they should leave as soon as they see it, or they really are trespassing.

        It makes no sense to me, why they would think making the resident angry will help them sell their product.

    9. PollyQ*

      Have you used the word “trespassing?” I totes believe you that the police won’t do anything, but if you tell them directly “You are trespassing on private property. Leave and do not come back or I will call the police.” the threat might get their attention a little better.

      Another option, although it has its drawbacks, is to turn to social media. A tweet with the complaint and an @ with the name of the company might get the home office to rein in some of their more aggressive representatives.

    10. Millicent*

      Can you just put up some blinds or curtains in the window so they can’t see you? If they think no one’s home, they’ll eventually leave you alone.

      Signed,
      Someone who lies down on the couch and hides from people at my door when I suspect they’re selling things

  57. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Anyone have a recommendation for cheap true wireless earbuds?

    I want to get a set, even though I don’t need them, but I am a total cheapskate so I’ve been looking at the most inexpensive ones on eBay. This is probably bound to lead to disappointment but I don’t want to spend what is for me a lot of money to get a set I don’t like. I particularly want some that are low profile so that I can hopefully sleep with them, and ideally ones that don’t have an annoying loud beep or electronic voice to warn you that the battery is getting low.

    1. All the cats 4 me*

      I like Happy Plugs, but I should have bought the higher cost ones to get a few more hours of battery life.

    2. Aza*

      I like my jlab airtrue wireless earbuds. They do have a voice that tells you when the battery is low. They were $50 from best buy.

  58. Mrs. Aurora Anony*

    Thinking about kids once Covid dies down (who knows when). But this past weekend I had a horrendous 96 hour menstrual (hormone/iron loss) migraine that didn’t go away with OTC meds much. Dark room and ice helped but it took 5 hrs each day. I messaged my doc (no answer yet).

    How do people cope with migraines when they have a baby?

    1. Sopranistin*

      Migraines can be awful. Sorry you had to deal with that!
      This is just my experience, but my headaches went away completely while I was pregnant and during postpartum. I almost always get a migraine headache with the start of my period. I didn’t start getting headaches again until I got my period back around 14 months postpartum. So maybe you’ll get lucky!
      You’ll have to talk with your doctor about what medicines are safe to use while pregnant and if breastfeeding. There are some. InfantRisk is a good resource, they have a hotline you can call to ask about medications.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I only had a proper migrane once when my kids were babies. I called my aunt to come watch them.

      It’s the same as if you had stomach flu, or anything else that just puts you out of commission. You get help.

    3. Nita*

      I had migraines while pregnant with my third (so, apparently, for me pregnancy can be a trigger, but only in combination with other things like not resting enough). Thankfully I was working at the time, and the migraines followed a schedule. I was mostly functional when it was time to take the kids to school and day care, rode out the worst of it at the office, and was mostly functional again by the time I was coming home to pick them up. The handful of times I was alone with the kids, plus a migraine… that was scary. I had to make backup plans about who could watch them if I started to black out. Thankfully my dad is retired. He can’t do much child care, but he was able to at least come over and make sure they don’t burn down the house or fall off something tall. But. No more migraines once I was out of the first trimester. The only time they came back was in March when I was sick with something nasty that may or may not have been COVID. But other than that, all good.

    4. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

      I have terrible migraines and have since I was quite young. Like Sopranistin I was blissfully migraine-free while pregnant and exclusively breastfeeding. My suggestions to migraine-prone parents of little ones is know and avoid your triggers like the proverbial plague, have appropriate meds on hand (check safety with OB/midwife/pediatrician), know who is available in case meds aren’t effective, and know your prodromal symptoms if you have them. And, if all else fails, have a space in the house, like the baby’s room, where you can lie on the floor in the dark and do the bare minimum for ensuring a safe, fed child.

    5. A Non E. Mouse*

      As Sopranistin mentioned, the hormone difference in pregnancy and while breastfeeding also kept me migraine free.

      I do have migraines now still so with the kids being older I just say I have a migraine, lock myself away, and let them fend for themselves or bother their father (if he’s home from work).

      Until the kids we’re old enough for that option, I just called in reinforcements as needed, and also leaned heavily on prescription medications to knock them out sooner. Combination of muscle relaxers and pain meds when I had one would significantly lower the number of hours I was affected – but obviously I had to wait for another adult to be on duty first.

      The “hangover” I always have from migraines stays the same if it’s a medicated migraine or not, and honestly that’s the worst part for me….I’m just wiped for a day or two. Those parenting days aren’t the most fun.

      ALL of that said, my number of migraines (total days and distinct events) are drastically lower since I got off hormonal BC years ago. I would have one every month during the placebo week of my tricylcin BC, with symptoms that lasted at least two days. Now I might have one every three or four months, and if I can catch it in the early non-pain stages and start treating it with symptom management (no medications) it will last 12 hours or less. I mean sometimes I don’t catch the symptoms early because it’s been so long since the last one, that’s how infrequent they are.

      Long story short: If you are currently using hormonal BC, you might find that after having a child/children, you could use a permanent form of BC and drastically reduce your migraine days, making the mitigation much less of an issue.

    6. Cambridge Comma*

      Like so many things once you have children, you just get on with it when you have to. I can’t see a neurologist at the moment because of COVID so I’m out of my medication and getting migraines with aphasia about once a month. I can usually get help as we are all always home, but if I can’t it’s possible to keep going for much longer than you’d think.
      Also, pregnancy recalibrates what’s painful and uncomfortable to some extent.

  59. D'Euly*

    I’m looking for a mat to use on hardwood floors to provide a firm-but-not-too-firm surface for my baby as he learns to crawl, walk, etc. Foam tiles, gymnastics mat, something like that? Any experience or advice would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Ali G*

      We have foam tiles in our workout room and I think they would be good for you. They are soft, without being squishy so you don’t have to worry about tripping or losing balance.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I was thinking maybe a mat like one would put under a treadmill – mine is like puzzle pieces so you can decide how you want to shape it and how big you want it to be, up to a point, but it was cheaper than the brightly colored ones they sell specifically FOR kids. :)

    2. Ranon*

      I’m team just get a rug that’s easy to clean and comfortable for you- the baby needs the padding for at most six months but you’ll be on the floor with the toddler for the next few years, pick something you want to live with.

    3. Nita*

      We have a play gym thing – a mat, and two poles to hang toys onto. The poles come off so it can be just a mat. A yoga mat works OK too. But at some point I ended up piling all the blankets onto the floor, which is kind of unsanitary but the kid kept sitting down in random places, and then tipping over and hitting her head…

    4. Not A Manager*

      Hm. I expected everyone else to say this so I didn’t post it, but maybe this is just me. My own experience with my kids was that once they started crawling (heck, even once they started scooting), nothing was going to keep them in one location short of a fence or a leash.

      If you want to get those connecting baby gates and enclose a safe place with a softer floor for him to learn in, that would be great. If you’re hoping to *just* put a mat down and the kid will stay on it, good luck.

      My advice is, if you have any rooms with a softer floor or wall-to-wall carpeting, try to use those for playtime until you feel safer with his ability to move about on his own. Luckily, once they learn to crawl you usually have a bit of a window where they can crawl around without tipping over but they’re not pulling up/trying to walk yet. So he would be able to crawl on the hardwood fairly easily.

      Also, my kids really didn’t fall on their heads very much when they were learning to move about. Occasionally when they were learning to crawl they would tip forward and hit their forehead. When they were learning to walk, they would tumble for sure but not like they’d slam their head on the floor. So you could play this by ear and see if it’s really a problem for you.

      I do advise putting those weird looking bumpers around coffee tables, chests, etc. that have sharp corners or edges. When your kid is pulling himself up or cruising, those can give him a nasty bump on the forehead.

    5. RagingADHD*

      We just put pants on the baby so they didn’t get friction burn. A hardwood floor is not going to hurt them, and as Not A Manager points out, they fall on their heavily-padded bottoms when they are learning to walk.

      Pointy furniture, toilets, garbage cans, cleaning supplies, and electrical access are the issues. Not the floor (unless your floors are concrete).

    6. Esmeralda*

      Haha, we just put our kid right on the hardwood floor. We did clean it it first! Did not affect his ability to crawl or walk and made it easier for him to scoot. No rug burn!

      We *did* put foam bumpers around the coffee tables and made sure little guy stayed away from the brick hearth.

    7. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’m late to the party, but maybe you’ll still get this: Don’t buy anything that you cant throw in the washer and the baby shouldn’t chew on. My little one almost bit a piece off of a foam yoga-style mat once. He also spit up a lot, so washing was a must. I also second the above: as soon as he was mobile, he wasn’t going to be kept on any mat or rug or padding–he was off adventuring and exploring.

    8. D'Euly*

      Thanks to all! Yes, this will be for a contained playspace. I’m glad to hear that hardwood in the rest of the house won’t be a problem.

  60. Jessie*

    Hi,

    Guys, I was wondering if anyone can recommend books, articles or even videos that teach you how to communicate properly with people so they respect you, listen to you and not treat you like a total pushover lol. I’m not kidding. I’m a total pushover and nobody listens to me. This has caused me problems with making boundaries and having my needs respected, with everyone from friends, to colleagues to even family. Even my kids don’t listen to me lol. Hey, even my cleaning lady didn’t listen to me! I would make the same requests daily and she would ignore it. My cousin once asked me, why do people treat you like that?! I have no idea. I’m not even a timid person. I am very hot blooded and hot tempered. But I think I am totally unthreatening. Or maybe because I have severe anxiety? Maybe people can smell my anxiety and insecurity? I have no idea! I’m fascinated by the articles I read on the site and the responses from Allison. But I feel that I am so behind. I can’t even get basic instructions followed. I once landed a management job and lasted four whole months lol. Because of that same problem. Nobody listened to me and it became ridiculous. I felt redundant and quit. So, any interesting books or materials that can help with this. Note, I’m already 40 year old, so the older you get, the harder you change your ways. But I’ve had several incidents lately that really frustrated me and I would like to learn to communicate in a way that would make people LISTEN to me for once in my life.

    1. Mohr*

      I think Captain Awkward’s blog has been a great source for me personally to learn how to set and maintain boundaries with confidence. She gives scripts for situations, but she also encourages you (the reader) to really nail down what’s bothering you and what outcome you want to achieve.

    2. Anon for this*

      Well, even from this comment I may be able to help. A few observations:

      1) Get to the point. Your post here is rambly and waffley and unsure.
      2) Don’t water down your statements (ex: lol/ who knows/ I have no idea). Just say the thing; less is more.
      3) Add consequences and follow through. “Cleaning lady, I asked you 2x to do this and you didn’t. I’m going to have to let you go.” And then do it.

      I suggest doing some research on boundaries and direct communication. Best of luck.

      1. Anima*

        I wish I could like your comment. I read the same things into Jessie’s comment.

        I executed all of Anima tipps, and it helped me tremendously! My boyfriend also helps training me to get to the point, by asking what exactly I want or talk about when I get rambly. It helps me so much to identify the unwanted (by me!) behaviour. Maybe get a training partner?

      2. Dan*

        1) and 2) go totally hand in hand. This gets into AAM’s drum-beating communication advice: “Were you *clear* with your expectations/request?” If OP talks like this all of the time, then the answer is “no”, OP is not clear at all.

        Because “Water down” = “softening language”, and the lol/who knows/I have no idea turns a directive into to a mere suggestion. If I’m OP’s kid, and she says, “Maybe you should clean your room, but who knows?” Then I think “if that’s a choice, then nope.” If I’m a colleague or even direct report, and she says, “Maybe you should do X, but I have no idea?” Well gee. If you have no idea, then why should I? And in a work context, what was just said was, “Maybe I told you to do that, but if there’s blow back, I already distanced myself by saying “I have no idea.” And if I’m a direct report, I’ll take a course of action that *I* can defend and am willing to take heat for.

        I work with someone like this, and it drives me bonkers, and it probably drives her bonkers too when nobody really listens. She’s a peer to me, and if she says “maybe we should do X, but I don’t really know”. Well here’s the thing, if you think the team *should* do X, you should have supporting rationale for that belief, and be ready to discuss that rationale. And if you don’t really know, why is the onus on me to look into your idea and find supporting evidence for it? I’m just going to dismiss it if you can’t support your own statements. So if you really don’t know, don’t even bring it up.

        1. Jessie*

          ok, let me give a more work related example here. I was promoted to be an editor and one of the journalists handed in an article, I had assigned him. He wanted it published that day. I told him it was great, but I can’t run it that day because it needs some minor changes. I told him, just do these changes and we will publish it immediately. He got angry, told me that he wants his story run today and if I don’t do it, he will ask the manager to move him from my team, which would make me look bad of course. And he said, “so, what, now you are going to change our work?” Yes! that was my job. This happened over and over with different reporters, until I got tired and quit. What did I do wrong here? Why wouldn’t they listen to me?

          1. tangerineRose*

            Sounds like that journalist was a jerk, but if he could get you in trouble by going over your head for something minor like this, your boss might have been the real problem. I would guess the other reporters learned how to override you this way and took advantage of it.

      3. Jessie*

        I’m not rambly in real life though. Let me give you an example of a problem with the cleaning lady. We had plenty of issues, but this is an example. She would wash the floor and not dry them, so they would remain wet, slippery and dangerous for ages.
        Me Day 1: Please dry the floor after your wash it.
        Me Day 2: Please dry the floor, someone will fall and hurt themselves
        Me Day 3: Please dry the floor, my moms friend broke her hip slipping on wet floor.
        Me Day 4: Please dry the floor, why aren’t you listening to me, am I not making myself clear.
        Me Day 5 ( when I was pregnant): Please dry the floor, or I will slip and hurt the baby.

        Each time, it was a very direct instruction. This is such a basic ABC thing, can you imagine, how frustrated I get, when I am not listened to in the bigger and more important issues in my life.

        I never tried implementing consequences though. I could. But it would work only with those who work for you. Not with friends, family etc.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          At least in this case, you’re not taking action soon enough. This should never have been five separate requests. When she still wasn’t doing it after the first request, you need to move to something like “We’d talked about you drying the floor and I notice it’s still not happening. I really do need you to be sure you do it. Will you be able to?” — said in a serious tone. Then if it doesn’t happen again, it’s “I want to make sure it’s clear that this is non-negotiable for me. If you’re not going to be able to dry the floor, I won’t be able to have you continue to clean for me.” And then you follow through on that.

          And for a lot of things, you’d compress that timeline to even fewer conversations, but I think this a reasonable number of steps for someone who’s not cleaning the way you want — (1) initial request, (2) flag that it’s not happening, (3) serious warning, (4) parting ways. With more serious things, you might skip that second step.

          I agree with others, though, that this is therapy territory so you can get individual coaching.

          1. Jessie*

            Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.
            I think that I got too repetitive, hoping that she will just follow the instructions, if I repeat myself often enough. But, I guess, it didn’t work. I like these scenarios more, because they allow for a proper discussion to happen.

    3. Zona the Great*

      I actually think you may need to dive much deeper through therapy if you can. This is so much deeper than people don’t listen to you. I used to be a super hot head just like you’re describing. But you should know those are behaviors of a very scared person. You may think you’re not timid but yes, people can see the extreme lack of self assurance and emotional intelligence. I once was approached by an angry man demanding I move my car. But I don’t engage with people who interact like this.

      1. Jessie*

        I’m not losing my temper right and left. I’m just saying that I am not really timid either. But I agree with you. I think people can totally smell my fear and anxiety. Sometimes, when I’m talking, I wonder, what the expressions on my face are like. They can probably see how tense I am!

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      I think you would enjoy counseling so that you could get personal and individual feedback.

      40 is not too old to shift or expand your skill set!

      Best to you.

    5. Jen Erik*

      My daughter has been working through the Dr Faith Harper books – they’re very pithy and readable. There is one about boundaries, and one about anxiety. I’ve only been reading them casually, as she finishes them, so I can’t remember if they talk about the issues you’re concerned about, but they might be worth a look.

    6. Lena Clare*

      If you can find this 2nd hand anywhere then it’s worth the read even though it’s out of print now and somewhat old fashioned, the tips are still relevant and it’s definitely interesting: How to Be an Assertive, Not Aggressive Woman in Life, in Love, and on the Job by Jean Baer. It was published in 1976. I’m sure there will be more recent examples by other people though if you wanted something more modern! (I don’t even know it you are a woman btw)

      1. Lena Clare*

        The main thing in helping me to learn how to set boundaries though was having personal counselling.

    7. Generic Name*

      I’d read up about setting boundaries. One really good book I read about not getting taken advantage of is called In Sheep’s Clothing. Also, get comfortable with the idea that you don’t have to be Nice to everyone. You can be polite and respectful, but you don’t have to be Nice to people you do business with. I’ve learned this the hard way. I recently realized that being nice to people hasn’t made people treat me any better and just made me a target for being taken advantage of.

    8. Analyst Editor*

      This will sound hokey, but try out some techniques from training animals.
      A friend read Cesar Milan’s “The Dog Whisperer” and started applying the “positive, assertive energy” to her high schoolers to supposedly very good effect.

    9. valentine*

      With the people you have power over, what consequences are there for not listening to you? Why not fire the cleaning lady?

      I think you mean obey, which makes a massive difference, but with the kids, if it really is listening, you can sit them down, tell them how that makes you feel*, and practice active listening. They tell you what they think you just said and you can ask what they would need you to say for them to understand you wanted q, not z. If you’ve been saying one thing to mean another, for example, this should show you they’re not on the same page and you can start saying what you mean.

      *Unless your hotheadedness includes raging (even quietly)/screaming/yelling at them, in which case you should first learn coping strategies on your own and see what impact that has on the family dynamic.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Hard agree. If you do not follow up on what you are saying, yeah, people are going to ignore you.
        If you are a ranter or angry person, people are going to ignore you.
        If it takes you 15 minutes to say what could be said in a few sentences people are going to ignore you.

        “I’m a total pushover and nobody listens to me. ”
        This is part of your own definition of yourself. Are you willing to change your own definition? And how much are you willing to do to make that definition different?

        Next question: Why are you willing to accept this behavior from people? “It’s okay to ignore me, everyone else does!”

        I hope you realize that four months in a management job does not even scratch the surface. You have barely even started to learn the job. Why did you give up on yourself so quickly? Why do you think you should do the job well in four months when most people spend their entire lives learning how to be a good manager?

        Even your kids don’t listen to you and you are lol’ing? If you are laughing how do you expect them to take your words seriously when you don’t?

        You describe yourself a hot tempered. You know I have a definition for temper, well it’s something I have developed by watching myself and watching others. Temper means, “I have no idea how to handle this situation and all the tools I have left only involve yelling/insulting/whatever.”

        I bet if you developed tools for getting what you want/need you’d find your temper would ease off.

        I’d suggest boundaries books. And I would suggest counseling. Some where along the lines you became convinced you are powerless. And everything that happens is a verification that you are powerless. I dunno who stole your power, your autonomy but someone did. And no one ever told you that you CAN steal your power/autonomy right back. It’s one of the few times in life where stealing is actually legal.

        1. Jessie*

          Yes, exactly. I feel extremely powerless. I know that I will lose every argument and this causes massive frustration. I’ve had therapy for years, but believe it or not, I never talked about this with my therapist. It’s such an entrenched part of my life, that I didn’t even bother looking into it. Maybe I will tell him about it in the next session.

          PS: My cleaning lady was fired at some point. Then three months later, she called to beg for her job back. My mom told me, “of course, she wants to work for you, where else would she find a pushover like you?. She can do whatever she wants in your place, and nothing happens.”

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Wow. Nice, thanks, mom.
            Sometimes people want their jobs back this happens. And it doesn’t always have to do with being a push over. People ask things and it’s fine to say no.

            My heart is breaking for you as I read your response here. Life does not have to be this hard. It just doesn’t. Well, I always say that identifying and stating the problem out loud is 50% of the battle right there. So you are well under way here. It probably doesn’t feel like it, so trusting an internet stranger might seem odd. I had a teacher in high school who did counseling for a while before deciding to teach. He said the most worrisome people were the ones who came into the office and said they were fine, they had no problems. “So then why did you call and make an appointment?” Granted you are not at that extreme, but a secondary point here is that identifying the problem is a huge move in the right direction.

            Get some boundaries books. Learn WHY it is people say no and learn about legit reasons for saying no. This might also help you talk to your therapist at length as it could be food for more discussion.
            I know from my own life when I have faced some of my bigger problems, I found that there was more than one source feeding the problem. I suspect this is also happening to you. So you may find that you will make a number of changes over a period of time. Baby steps, but I hope I can encourage you to keep taking those little steps. I know first hand that those little steps add up.

          2. nonegiven*

            >My cleaning lady was fired at some point

            You phrase that like you aren’t the one that fired her. Did you? Why did she ‘listen’ that time?

    10. RagingADHD*

      People don’t listen to or respect someone because they are angry or threatening. They may comply, but they do not have real respect.

      You also can’t set boundaries on other people. Boundaries describe your own choices and behavior. They are decisions (or principles that are so ingrained as to be instinctive) about how you respond in certain situations.

      For example, when my kids were little, if I said it was time to pick up the toys and they didn’t listen, I’d inform them that any toys on the floor when I am vacuuming will be put away for two weeks. No yelling, no threats, just follow-through.

      If a client was verbally abusive on the phone, I would tell them I can’t help them if they speak that way, and hang up.

      People respond to actions, not words. When you tell someone your intentions, you are showing respect for their free will. You exercise your agency, and allow them to exercise their own agency. If you say you will do something and fail to follow through, they will not believe you the next time. So you should make sure your stated intentions are reasonable and feasible. Don’t go nuclear, because you can’t follow through.

      You mention that you’re a hothead. Perhaps people around you have learned that you make a lot of “sound and fury” about things, but there’s no substance to it?

      I recommend the “Boundaries” series by Cloud & Townsend (they come from an overtly Christian perspective, but even if you don’t share the beliefs, the principles are sound).

      I also like “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense,” but it’s less about getting your point across effectively and more about not letting people confuse or browbeat you.

      1. Jessie*

        Hi, I like your post very much. That is exactly what I am; sound and fury and no substance. I threatened the cleaning lady several times that I will dock her pay. . But you know what? We live in a poor country and she knew very well, that by the end of the month, I would not have the heart to do it. And I never did!
        But the cleaning lady, is just one example. What if you are in a situation where there are no consequences? For example, if you are dealing with a relative or a friend? You can’t threaten to fire them right?
        By the way, thanks guys for the book recommendations. I will look them all up. I hope I fix this. It’s very stressful.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Well, it’s not always about consequences. It’s about what you want, what you think is right, and/or what will make the situation happy for you.

          So for example, when my husband and I were dating, I used to get very stressed because he was chronically late, and I hate being late to things. So instead of hanging around waiting for him, I’d go ahead leave, and he’d show up in his own time. I still do that from time to time.

          The point was not to punish him. The point was to stop his lateness from stressing me out and prompting me to pick a fight. I didn’t do it to try to force him to change, but to change my own experience. I suppose some people would take it as an insult, and would have broken up with me. But we talked about it, and we would both prefer to be chill, arrive separately, and not fight. Everybody wins.

          Part of having good boundaries is keeping things simple. Everything doesn’t have to turn into a referendum on someone’s character or life choices, or on your relationship.

          You are powerless if you are trying to control other people’s actions, change their thinking or change the way they feel. Especially if you’re trying to do that with words or with displays of emotion.

          You have the ability to choose your own actions and responses. Slow down, think things through, communicate about the outcome you want, and then make a decision you believe in and can stick to.

          The easiest boundaries to set are small, low-stakes, non-dramatic ones. They head off a lot of problems later on. If you only set boundaries because the situation is intolerable, then you’ll be in perpetual crisis.

          The metaphor that comes to mind is parenting a toddler. When the kid starts throwing food, you say, “Oh, all done with dinner!” and take them out of the high chair. No drama. No anger. No punishment. They obviously aren’t hungry anymore.

          If they didn’t want to be done, they will be a lot less likely to throw food next time.

          On the other hand, if you ignore it until you can’tstand it anymore, or you try to persuade them to stop (LOL, good luck), or try to cajole them into eating more, you are going to wind up with 2 meltdowns – yours and theirs- a huge mess, and a new bad habit.

          Setting other boundaries works the same way. Do it before you get mad, as just the routine way of interacting.

        2. PollyQ*

          You can’t “fire” a friend or relative, but you can change the nature of your relationship with them. Either accept that they’re not going to give you what you need/want and keep them in your life anyway, or pull back on the closeness, or cut them out altogether. Obviously, the last is a fairly extreme choice, but it’s still an option you have.

          I second the recommendations for tackling this in therapy & reading the Captain Awkward archives. She’s turned off commenting recently, but older letters have some great, wise, helpful comments on them, so check those out too.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          “What if you are in a situation where there are no consequences? For example, if you are dealing with a relative or a friend? You can’t threaten to fire them right?”

          I think if a person is accepting payment of any sort in exchange for what they are doing for you, then you are still in control here. You can very calmly say, “This isn’t working out for me and I need to do something different. So I will no longer be needing your help as I am going in a different direction now. I would like us to go back to just being friends/family/whatever with no harm, no foul.”

          If a person is helping you for free and it is not working out, you can say something such as, “Oh this is a much bigger job that I anticipated. I don’t think it’s fair to continue to ask you to help me. I am going to hire [professional service] to help out here. I really want to thank you for helping me and getting me to the point where I feel I have a better understanding of what is needed for this situation.”

          So no, you don’t per se “fire” them. But you shift gears by saying you have decided to approach the situation in a different manner. And the unspoken part is that new approach precludes their involvement. You thank them for what they have done so far and indicate you appreciate their willingness to try.
          In the story of the cleaner, you could say, “I finally understood that I needed a different level of service for my home here. So I have decided to go in a different direction.” IF you need to say something that is people pleasing you could say, “I do appreciate your willingness to set aside time to help me here.” Notice how you don’t mention the crappy work and inability to follow basic instructions. Just land the plane and indicate you have moved on.

        4. StrikingFalcon*

          When you are dealing with a relative or a friend, you don’t have power over them but you have power over yourself. I wonder from reading your posts if you get angry but also try to smooth things over all the time. That is, you get angry but do you feel like you don’t have the right to? Do make the conversation uncomfortable for them, or leave even if it’s awkward? Turn down invitations to events that are likely to lead to unhappy outcomes, or go along with what others want to keep the peace? Or do you make empty threats and then not follow through on them (like with the cleaning lady)? Get mad but then apologize after even though they never apologize to you? Do you wait until you are beyond frustrated to speak up (and thus lash out) rather than state your preferences or boundary early when you can do it calmly? It took me a long time to learn I was allowed to get angry, and that it wasn’t my fault for being angry.

          You also described two situations where you had real power over the people in question (manager and editor) but you quit the job when people didn’t immediately respond the way you wanted them to, rather than enforce consequences. Do you also have that tendency to fold in arguments with friends and relatives?

        5. PollyQ*

          We live in a poor country and she knew very well, that by the end of the month, I would not have the heart to do it.

          I get this, and it speaks well of you that you’re taking that into consideration. But there are other housecleaners who need the work every bit as much, and who would also do the job that you ask them to do instead of ignoring your directions.

          There are ways to be more calmly authoritative, and therapy and/or coaching would help with that. But there are no magic words or methods that will always get people to do what you want.

  61. Courageous cat*

    Update for anyone who’s been following my journey in treatment-resistant depression, I was prescribed ketamine (intranasal spray, 3x a week at home) last week! I’m excited to try it. Unfortunately I can’t start until next month when my initial appointment is to test it at the doctor’s office and find my right dosage.

    I also applied to the TRD program at a nearby hospital and am still waiting to hear back from them. It would be a multi-hour interview for diagnostic and recommendation purposes, so we’ll see what happens. A couple people in an earlier thread brought up bipolar II as an option so I will hopefully be exploring that avenue with them as well.

    Meanwhile, I am weaning off my tricyclic antidepressant now and they always make me feel so feverish when I’m coming off (no fever). Anyone else have that issue?

    1. No Name Yet*

      Glad to hear that things are moving forward for you! Fingers crossed the ketamine helps and/or the TRD program has some good suggestions.

    2. mreasy*

      I had amazing results with ketamine for TRD (I did injections but should be the same?). I still have anxiety and my low days, but I can get out of bed and feel equipped to deal with so much more. I ended up getting treatments for a year (increasing time increments) before I felt I didn’t need them anymore. I hope this works for you!!

      1. Courageous cat*

        This is a fascinating read! I had been wondering a lot about this throughout my research. Thank you for sharing.

    5. Double A*

      We need to move forward with some kind of treatment for TRD for my husband. He wants to look into and MDMA study. But going off his meds will involve at least a month of him being basically non functional so we need to be careful with the timing. I’d love it if you kept posting! I haven’t seen your earlier posts–what kind of conversations did you have with your providers that helped you pursue this? My husband’s providers are…not very interested in thinking outside the box.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Absolutely will update! Sorry for the late response. Long story short, my provider wasn’t very interested either (too big of a practice for someone to prescribe outside of their general guidelines), but he had prescribed me a lot of different antidepressants that were basically like swallowing sugar pills, so and he knew I was getting towards the end of the line. So I googled “ketamine clinic + city” and started doing research on the places that offer it. I also googled “treatment resistant depression + city” and found a nearby hospital does a consultation for people just like me where they do a multi-hour diagnostic interview and refer you to different places based on what they think would work best for you, including trials.

        Anyway, I booked an appointment with current provider and told him, hey, I’m interested in going off the pills, what do you think about ketamine? And he was extremely supportive. Said he was sorry they didn’t prescribe it there but he highly recommended it and thought it would be the right next step for me, and I could always come back to him if it didn’t work.

        So long story short, he will probably have to look elsewhere when it comes to MDMA/ketamine. (I also think MDMA might be more for PTSD specifically than depression, but could absolutely be wrong). Best of luck to both of you!

  62. Persephone Mulberry*

    Please send me all your happy house vibes. I’m looking at a rental in about two hours that, on paper, appears to check all of the boxes on my want list (except one, but a soaker tub in my price range is just too much to ask). Plus it’s twice the size of our current house which, especially in out current e lnvironment of WFH and e-learning and very little socializing, would make a huge difference to my family’s quality of life.

      1. Persephone Mulberry*

        The house is perfect for our needs and I submitted our application materials this afternoon. Based on the sheet where the owner was collecting email addresses, there were at least 5 or 6 interested parties that toured ahead of us. She wants to make a decision fast, so I expect to know one way or the other before next weekend.

        2. Not A Manager*

          Send her a personal note or email with your back story and why you’d be a good tenant. Stress how respectful you are of your landlord’s property. Also how much you love the place for some subjective reason, especially if it involves her personal taste like wall color or landscaping.

  63. RC Rascal*

    I have a strange question for the Commentariat and am hoping someone has experience with this:

    I am cleaning out my parent’s house and located a giant bag of dimes, in a Scrooge McDuck type sack. Fortunately, they were accompanied by some paperwork and were purchased from Nationsbank in the 1990s. Receipt describes the bag as $500 dollars in silver dimes.

    How does one sell this? With the current price of silver I imagine the bag is worth more than $500 in silver (it’s really heavy; I would weigh but already got rid of all the scales in the house). However, it isn’t legal to melt currency for the base metal.

    Does anyone have any experience with this?

    1. HiYoSilver*

      First, yes, your bag will be worth *considerably* more than $500! The value partly depends on whether your dimes are pre-1965… if so they are 90% silver. Later dimes (1965-1969, were apparently 40% silver (not worth as much at the 90%). Then, knowing the years and the face value, contact a reputable precious metals dealer–e.g., legit, long-standing, not a fly-by-night operation… One such is FideliTrade; another is InvestmentRarities (put their respective name/s and (dot)com) to see their respective websites). They can advise you over the phone as to what your bag is likely worth (they can probably estimate the weight just based on the face value, I’m guessing), and tell you how to transact business with them, if you want to sell them. They both deal with customers all over the country so you don’t have to be physically near them. It would be good to get pricing from both places (on the same day, because silver prices change day-to-day) and see if they are comparable. They should be roughly comparable.

    2. Asenath*

      There are businesses that buy coins, and sometimes the same businesses also deal in gold and silver – usually jewelry; there can be legal reasons not to melt down coins. When I needed to sell some coins, I looked around and chose an established local business rather than one of the more mobile ones which come to town several times a year.

  64. Can't Stand The Heat*

    I’m in a four-year relationship where we have mostly cooked for each other. We both enjoy cooking for the same reason: we experience flow while doing it solo. Lately we are trying to cook together …and it feels so thorny! He’s very precise and bossy while I see it more as experimental and fun. I can see why he takes it more seriously as he has a cooking background (catering), and I’ve only cooked for myself. We’re learning along the way how to work better together, but I’m shook it took us this long to realize it! Curious if anyone has similar stories? Alternatively, can anyone recommend recipes that we can try cooking together?!

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      It helps to have defined tasks and roles when cooking together. What works well for us is for one person to be the “chef” for the meal and the other to be the “sous chef”. Sous chef does the chopping and other tasks to set up the mise-en-place. Chef has overall responsibility for the meal and does the actual cooking/assembling once the prep is done. We do help each other out by request, e.g. chef might chop something, but this division helps a lot in keeping things clear. No more being surprised because the other person turned the pasta water on/off or started the fish cooking too early. The chef is in charge and does things their way and on their own time. Of course, it’s important to switch roles, too. That way we both get our turn to be in charge or to do the satisfying repetitive tasks. And oh yeah, sous chef handles the dishes. :)

    2. Courageous cat*

      I’ve never had this problem with the guy I’m sort of seeing because we just do different tasks. One of us will sort of “own” a recipe (depends on whose house we’re at which I know is something you guys can’t do) and delegate out tasks to the other. Cut this onion. Ok now, peel these potatoes. Stir this while I do this.

      We don’t micromanage how the other does things, we just ask them to do it and then do our own thing. It seems to work well.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband and I have learned that we can cook “together” by doing different parts of the recipe at different times. :P Usually, he does all the sous-chef chopping and prep for me, and then I do the actual cooking part. But he likes to try to taste things and tweak recipes and poke around at what I’m doing when I’m cooking, and it makes me want to smack him with a wooden spoon. When he’s cooking, he uses utensils that are not what I would choose to use for a particular purpose (oh my god why are you scrambling eggs with the PANCAKE TURNER you blasphemous heathen USE A SPATULA AS GOD INTENDED) and he does the food TV thing of measuring out a quarter tsp of this into one tiny bowl, and a half tsp of that into another tiny bowl, and so on, until like every bowl in the kitchen is dirty and basically watching him reduce my kitchen to a disaster area by using everything “wrong” gives me the vapors so I have to go out in the living room and not watch. :)

      2. nonegiven*

        If I need to measure out a lot of stuff to be added like that, I will use those little paper cups.

    4. Suffering spouse*

      My spouse does pretty much all our cooking- to please the cook. Which means ingredients I don’t care for, too much food for every meal, and every pot in the house used for a simple meal for two. Plus, when I go into the kitchen while the cooking is going on, I am automatically in the way! I do get to clean up though- even the splashes and excess shaken salt all over. Joint cooking is not necessarily something to be enjoyed.

    5. Nita*

      We’ve learned the hard way we should not cook together, after the Great French Fry Fight of 2013. If one of us starts to make a dish, the other one is not allowed to touch it unless asked, or unless it’s burning. OK, sometimes we team up, but no unplanned assistance once the cooking has already started :)

    6. RagingADHD*

      My husband and I can’t work on the same project together, at all. We can live together happily, parent together, have fun together, and plan things together.

      But when it’s time to execute, it’s either his thing or my thing, and the other one needs to get out of the way. Our styles of working are just too different, we drive each other bananas.

      Doesn’t matter if it’s cooking, painting a wall, weeding a flowerbed, washing dishes, writing a story…we each have a lot of Opinions, and there’s too much friction if we try to do it together.

    7. Not A Manager*

      My husband and I cook meals together all the time. Our personalities and cooking styles are similar to what you describe in your post.

      What we do, is we each “own” different dishes within the meal. We decide together on the menu – usually when we’re entertaining one will naturally take “ownership” of the menu concept and the other one will just make some suggestions within that framework. If it’s just us then it’s more based on what’s in the house. Then we naturally gravitate to each of us making certain dishes, usually based on who’s the expert or on who chose that dish. We leave each other mostly alone about our own tasks.

      He’s the maker of rolled pasta and pizza doughs, but I’m the maker of all dumplings and of bread. Usually I’m the soup and dessert person, and he’s the grilled meat guy. So we make it work. What we never do is oversee or micromanage the other person’s dishes.

    8. WS*

      My spouse and I cook together and we split the tasks – I have arthritis so she does the chopping, she is vague on timers so I do the baking! Your other options are to alternate putting one person in charge each time and the other person follows their style, or to do separate parts of the meal and come together at the end.

    9. Can't Stand The Heat*

      Thanks everyone! Enjoyed reading everyone’s approach. Will definitely follow the advice of taking the lead and follow, seems like that will work best for us. :)

  65. Grim*

    Dimes made from 1965 until today are 75% copper and 25% nickel. You should check each dime to see if it was made prior to 1965; these are collectable.

    Time to get some paper dime rolls and have a rolling party!

  66. I'm A Little Teapot*

    For any of my fellow geeks, nerds, or similar – DragonCon went online. And it’s working pretty well. You can watch “live” on roku for free, the vendor hall is actually functional without pulling your hair out, and you can buy a $10 streaming membership to watch everything on demand for a year. There’s also social media stuff/discord, but I’m not doing that so can’t speak to it.

    Dragoncon dot org

      1. usually lurks*

        late to reply but the Discord stuff was pretty great. all new to me so I was mostly just scrolling/reading but I really enjoyed that social aspect. And access to the speakers during panels; on the Science Track, for example, the pre-recorded panels were accompanied by the speakers being in the Science channel on Discord to answer questions as they panels premiered on YouTube or the main Fan channel. The Discord is staying up, you could check it out; it was the site of the usual late night nonsense, birthing memes even faster than the IRL convention can, which made it feel “real” even though it was virtual.

  67. food splurge*

    How do you decide where to splurge in food? Over the last few years, I’ve started to cook more intensively and try things things out etc. but I am baffled…for example, I can find sardines from $3 and at $13; other things that seem to vary widely are anchovies, mustard, olive oil and more. When do you know it really makes a difference? Sometimes the cost is related to things that are less processed for example, so that would explain it, but sometimes the list of ingredients is basically the same. I’m willing to not get the cheapest thing but it’s hard for example to get the $13 sardines because can it be that much better? What are the things you find it worth to splurge?

    1. CTT*

      The one ingredient I splurge on is tonic water for gin and tonics – years ago I read an article (NYT, I think?) that said if you buy good gin, you ruin any benefits you get out of it by using cheap tonic water. I was skeptical, but it’s true – I have a few ~fancy~ gins, and I can pick up more flavors when I use Fever Tree tonic or similar.

      I think this can be applied to a lot of other foods – if you’re making something with minimal ingredients, it’s better to go high quality.

      1. Alex*

        I read this comment like “Oh no! I buy cheap tonic water!” and then realized I also buy cheap gin so I guess I’m all good :)

      2. pancakes*

        It’s very hard to go back to cheap tonic after trying the good stuff. I don’t even order g&t in bars anymore unless I know they’re fussy about tonic.

        Tinned seafood from Spain and Portugal is generally a world apart from US versions — much, much better. The quality of ingredients they start with, the pride in traditional methods of preservation, etc., are what make the difference. There’s a bar & restaurant in my neighborhood in NYC called Maiden Lane that serves only premium-quality tinned seafood.

        Broadly speaking, it really depends on the ingredient. As others have mentioned, cheap (and not-so-cheap) olive oil is often adulterated. There’s a 2007 New Yorker article titled “Slippery Business” that’s a great read on this subject.

    2. Forensic13*

      I can tell you that for olive oil, at least, it’s because cheap olive oil is NOT olive oil (or barely,) but something cheaper like sunflower oil and maybe a tiny bit of olive oil for the ingredient list. It’s actually a very interesting story you can look up—organized crime in Italy is usually involved.

    3. Dan*

      My rule with the kitchen (and most things in life) is buy cheap until you know cheap doesn’t/isn’t/won’t work. Then upgrade. This is more true with things that aren’t really consumables (such as a Le Crusct dutch oven vs something else). With true consumables (such as mustard) you can just buy the more expensive thing and try it for yourself. With the sardines, if you buy the $13 and they’re totally overpriced, well, I’ve wasted way more than $10 on other things. One tip I have if you’re dabbling with the more expensive thing is don’t buy costco-sized portions until you know it’s what you want.

      Steaks are another one of those things. “Choice” grade beef is really common in super markets. Where I live, “dry aged prime” grade can be found in markets rather easily, but it comes with a markup. (Dry age prime is closer to what you’ll get in a high end steak house.) Is the markup worth it? There’s only one way to find out.

      I had a nearby specialty market stock A5 Wagyu Beef. The stuff was retailing for $125/lb. I bought a quarter pound. Was it worth it? Well, it was very different than most steaks. You’ll *know* that you’re eating something different than you usually do. But is it *worth* it? Once in awhile, for me as a treat, sure. As a monthly thing? No.

      Coffee is another one of those things, but it helps to do some internet homework. If you only do cold brew, then the more expensive beans are a total waste. If you’re buying expensive beans, you need to make sure you’re using a brew method that exploits the higher quality bean. Not all brew methods are appropriate for all beans.

      I find your question to be a lot more difficult when it comes to kitchen appliances. There’s a very real difference between a $20 coffee grinder (which should be relegated to spice grinder use) and a $150 burr grinder. Sometimes, you just have to buy the cheap thing and take it on the chin if it’s the wrong thing. On the whole, though, the cheap thing works so much more often that the expensive thing such that tossing/donating the cheap thing is worth it if the more expensive thing is what you really need.

    4. PX*

      If you can afford it I say try all of them! Essentially I sometimes like to think of it like taste testing wines for example. Sometimes the higher price point is worth it, sometimes it’s not but you’ll never know until you try. Also because different people value different things.

      For me, I love condiments and will absolutely splurge on fancy mustard, oil, vinegar, dressing etc. You have different flavours and you can taste the difference in quality. Similarly, eggs and meat are another area where where I find find this to be true. Personally I think most animal products increase fairly linearly in quality with price (usually because higher price = better animal welfare = better tasting). Fruits and vegetables on the other hand? Not really found that much of a difference. But that’s just me, someone else might have a completely different experience!

      Essentially I’d say, some things are worth more, some arent, but it depends a lot where you are and what you care about to put specific things into each category.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      In general, I buy store brand pretty much everything. Exceptions: Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal, Cheez-It crackers, and Torino’s Pizza Rolls. :P Otherwise, I pretty much can’t tell the difference. (Well. I don’t buy store brand cola or diet cola, but I do buy store brand root beer and other fruit type sodas on the rare occasion I buy those.)

    6. Oxford Comma*

      It pays to buy quality olive oil.

      I get my spices and extracts from Penzeys and I find that pays for itself.

    7. Parenthetically*

      Regarding making the decision: I like to do a small splurge — just buying something that’s one step up from what I usually get, to see if it’s noticeably nicer/better. If it is, I might go one step up the next time and see if IT is noticeably nicer than Splurge A.

      There are also, IMO, different categories of splurging that will net you different results. Buying the cheapest vs. the most expensive steak at the grocery store isn’t going to make NEARLY the difference that finding a local farmer and spending more on their meat will, for example. The difference between a beautiful local, pastured heritage-breed chicken and even a $$$ “organic” chicken from the grocery store is massive. The price of the former is worth the extra money, but the price of the latter is very much not.

      With some things, splashing out on the nicer version is something I’ll do for a special occasion. Expensive imported Italian bronze-die-cut pasta is markedly, noticeably better than basic grocery store pasta, but I’m not spending $5.99 on a pound of pasta for a Tuesday night dinner no matter how special it is. For a nice at-home date or something, I might splash out on the fancy pasta, but not for every day. Same with dairy products — is the glass bottle un-homogenized, lightly pasteurized local double cream 50x better than heavy cream in a carton from Kroger? Yes, yes it is. Am I going to spend Nine Entire United States Dollars on a quart of cream just to finish my, like, potato soup or whatever? Hell no. But I might buy it to make the most perfect custard ever for a special occasion.

      I’ve been cooking a LONG time and all this is in my head — I have a baseline requirement for all ingredients that varies, and then things I’ll splash out on for a special occasion. A very few things I won’t compromise on (peanut butter, bread, eggs, vanilla, ice cream, for example) but most things have a range of acceptability/preference, and you really only get there through trial and error. I can HEARTILY recommend keeping a little bullet point journal as you do this, though! Or notes in your phone, or something, to help you keep track of what you feel is worth the extra expense and under what circumstances, and what’s better to just buy the store brand.

    8. Not A Manager*

      One place that I start is the reviews in Cook’s Illustrated. They will tell you what qualities they are looking for in which applications, and what their metrics are. I’ve changed some products based on that. My best example is I’ll get a decent quality canned tuna for tuna salad, but for salade nicoise, I use the super-fancy super-expensive tuna they recommend as the very best (and other online reviewers say the same). For that one dish, it makes a huge difference and is completely worth it.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Awesome example. Nice olive oil packed tuna is a completely different creature from grocery shelf chunk light tuna in water, and Niçoise is exactly the place to showcase it!

    9. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      The rule of thumb I’ve heard: the fewer ingredients in your recipe, the nicer stuff you buy. So if you are tossing a couple anchovies in a soup for a bit more umami, use the cheap ones. Nobody can tell the difference because there are so many other flavors. If you are making an elegant 4 ingredient anchovy hors d’oeuvre, get the nice ones.

    10. Nita*

      I wait till the expensive stuff goes on sale, then try it to see if it’s really better than the cheap stuff. It depends. With bread, for example, the 99 c bread is vile inedible stuff, the $2.5 bread is awesome, and the $6 bread is nice but really not that different from the $2.5 bread. The $2/ pound smoked salmon is way, way better than the $12/pound kind. The $4/pound tomatoes are never any different from the 99 c/pound tomatoes, and anyway, if the cheaper ones are too green or over-ripe, that’s just cause to do something creative with them.

    11. Square Root of Minus One*

      For some products, the current regulation in your country can also shed some light on this question.
      I can’t talk about the US, but e.g. in France, “Coquille Saint-Jacques” prices are all over the place. The name literally corresponds to St-Jacques scallops, which are big ones with a particular taste. However, the law allows to sell “pétoncles”, ordinary, less subtle and smaller scallops, under the Saint Jacques label. So the prices vary widely because the quality of the product varies widely as well.
      Consumer tests can also give you some useful information about the general quality of some brands.
      I know I buy the most expensive brand of mustard, it’s the only one that doesn’t taste more like oil and vinegar than mustard, and olive oil is bought from a local producer. In general, when I can, I prefer locally produced and non-processed food, and rarely even buy anything not made in Western Europe. Other than this, Parenthetically’s and Elspeth’s rules are usually what I go with as well.

      1. pancakes*

        Yes — in the US we have to look for “dry” scallops if we want nice ones. Otherwise they’re allowed to be sold soaked in a phosphate solution that whitens them & allows them to soak up water. Scallops like that are so water-sodden they can’t even be seared. We don’t really have anything comparable to French A.O.C. and Italian D.O.P. and food shopping would be more straightforward and reliable if we did.

    12. Ali G*

      Proteins. I will always spend more money on meat, fish, and other proteins because they tend to be the main parts of dishes, and also be the most intensive to produce.
      I almost exclusively eat meat and some fish from my Butcher Box subscription. By now, my freezer is stocked and with deliveries every 3 months we typically do not have to buy any beef or chicken at the grocery store. We can dd on fish and other meats, but since everything comes frozen, I will still buy fish fresh from time to time.
      I like knowing that our meats and fish are produced humanely and organically/more sustainable and am willing to pay for it.

    13. Skeeder Jones*

      I view cooking/baking a both a means of sustenance and a ‘hobby”. Since it has that dual purpose for me, I’m a little more willing to splurge on ingredients that are more expensive and a higher quality. It can be a little frustrating when an expensive ingredient turns out to be not worth the price, but it answers a question so even then it’s not a total loss.

    14. Roja*

      I splurge when it’s either better in terms of ethical/sustainable sourcing (fish, meat, dairy), or when it’s significantly better in terms of taste. I pay $10.5/gallon for milk because it’s local, comes in a glass bottle, and is miles, miles better taste-wise than the $2/gallon milk. I shudder at the price but it’s truly worth it. But I buy the house brand canned food/beans/dry goods, because I don’t find that it’s a difference at all, with a few exceptions (salad dressings, peanut butter). Produce… it’s not always more expensive but I do try to buy fresh and seasonally for the taste difference. I just started doing that this year and the difference is huge.

  68. Washi*

    Sewists! I have been getting more and more into sewing recently and have a few questions.

    1. Is it worth getting a rotary cutter and mat? I mostly do clothes right now so there are some straight lines but also a lot of curves

    2. Do you know of any class/lecture/video series about garment fabrics? Like in a lot of detail about all the different types of fabric, their properties (wicking/odor control/warmth/drape) and when to chose them for different projects? I am especially interested in the traditional/historical use of different natural fibers for different purposes.

    3. What is your favorite way to finish seams without a serger? Feel free to include hand sewing suggestions! I’ve experimented with different things but still feel a bit lost there.

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      1. I love my rotary cutter and mat but only because I bought a big mat so I can do a lot of the cutting layout at once. If you get a 45 or 28 mm cutter you can handle most curves just fine. Don’t get a 60 mm.
      2. Claire Schaeffer and Sandra Betzina both have books on the topic, but I don’t know of videos.
      3. Machine zig-zag or overlock stitch. An overlock foot is nice for this–it has a little “finger” or wire that the stitch is formed over so the edge of the seam allowance doesn’t curve. For straight seams, French seams are fun, and for unlined jackets, Hong Kong finish is kinda cool. You can use thrift store ties for this if you want some fun colors, since ties are already cut on the bias.

    2. Parenthetically*

      I wish I could send you my serger, Washi! I never use it — probably have used it fewer than 5 times in the 8 or 9 years I’ve owned it (it was a gift, not what I’d normally buy) and I’d love for someone to get some use out of it!

      1. Washi*

        Aw! Maybe I wouldn’t end up using it either haha. Do you not use it because you don’t sew much generally or because it’s only useful in specific cases?

        1. Parenthetically*

          I don’t sew a LOT, even though I really enjoy it (season of life stuff with two littles + literally the only place in our house I can set up my machine is on our dining table, which: no), and when I do I’m not using fabrics that need a serger, generally — if I do every once in a blue moon, my sewing machine has an overedge stitch I can use. My current/perpetual project is three quilts, so serging isn’t even on the radar.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Mine was a hand me down from my quilter mother, and I’ve literally never used it in six years. I’m afraid of messing it up somehow and never figuring out how to get it threaded again. :-P

    3. Anonomized*

      I personally love my rotary cutter. I have an ergonomic one, and because I have hand/wrist issues, it’s much better for me than scissors. I also find I’m more accurate cutting with a rotary than with scissors. But that’s a total personal thing, I think. I have a sewist friend who is the opposite.

      I also like not having to pin things. I just bought some big (really big) washers and use them as pattern weights.

      Word or warning, though. Those things are sharp, and at some point you will rotary-cut your finger. It’s like a baptism.

    4. C Average*

      I don’t particularly love my rotary cutters, but I got them cheap at Goodwill so they weren’t a huge investment. They are handy for straight lines.

      I love my serger. I would marry my serger if it were legal in Oregon. But I still love doing French seams and flat-fell seams because there’s something so satisfying about sewing an item that’s as pretty inside as it is outside.

    5. RagingADHD*

      I only use my rotary cutter for cutting a lot of layers on the same template (so like, masks or T-shirt strips for ties) or for extremely slippery fabrics. I think I used it twice in 10 years before before covid hit.

      Seam finishes really depend on the type of garment & fabric. I draft most of my own patterns, and try to plan them with enclosed, turned & topstitched, or hemmed edges as much as possible.

      I like French seams for historical garments or pieces that will get heavy wear. I recently mastered the overcasting stitch on my sewing machine (it took a lot of fiddling with the tension), and that’s very nice for finishing edges on all the pieces before assembly.

      If I’m in a hurry, I’ll just zigzag the seam allowance after sewing.

    6. Mephyle*

      Finishing seams without a serger:
      • quick and functional – zigzag the raw edges
      • rather more work, and not suitable for all seams, or for all fabrics – flat fell
      • elegant and time-consuming/difficult – French seam, bias bound seam, Hong Kong seam
      And one easy and elegant finish for seams in sheer fabrics: after sewing the seam, sew through both layers of the seam allowance about 1/8″ inside the seam, and trim very close to this row of stitching.

    7. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

      Late to the party but still
      1. I love my Rotary cutter. You’ll get more use if you also get the biggest self healing mat you can find/afford/store (mine rolls and is from a sign writing supply store, so is the size of my table). A decent set of rulers and some small pattern weights will also improve the experience.
      2. Lauren Guthrie has a short series on YouTube called Fabric Focus – https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL6WyWai4CDcXbaVnFwPoeN2a9jSzou-mL
      3. I’m a huge serger fan, but I love flat felling and Hong Kong binding

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      I grew up without a serger in a household where mom made everything and we won fair/competition ribbons on our garments. So it’s an optional item, really. Even before there was zig-zag (much less before an overcast stitch on the machine was standard), there were lots of ways (the ones listed above are excellent) to finish seams – if they need finishing.

      I have both Claire Schaeffer’s book and all of Sandra Betzina’s. (Sandra has an online presence and some videos, highly recommend). The books are good resources – I wouldn’t part with them previously and still look things up. Newer fabrics might not be covered.

      Also check out – if reading is a learning track you will use – the “Threads” magazine and their vast resource of articles. I’ve been introduced to a lot of techniques with very good pictures there.

      I have the rotary cutter but have not used it as much since I thought – but at the time, my focus has been on small items, so no long strips that made the effort worth it. I did invest in a simply amazing set of shears back before my sewing stuff went into storage and they turned out to be so worth it. So if you do not have some good sewing /fabric (dedicated) scissors, get them first. Side note from coaching someone – be careful (as a beginner) not to get pieces “lifted up” or cut wrong with your technique. (I helped a friend at work by having her bring in her scissors and fabric pinned to a pattern, and watched her pick it up in the air as she cut it…. there was no adhering to the lines that way between pins).

      1. All the cats 4 me*

        Definitely a serger is optional!

        I sewed for over forty years without one – I started to sew as a pre-teen. I preferred woven natural fibres for much of that time, and so ended up finishing the raw edges on almost every garment to prevent ravelling in the wash. I was also super finicky about everything and often opened and redid seams until they were my version of perfect. I probably wouldn’t have been happy using a serger during this period. Not that you can’t open and resew seams with a serger – you definitely can – but more because of my mindset. I used a zigzag mostly to finish the seams during this phase, and sometimes did a french seam if it was worth it for the specific garment.

        I picked up a serger several years ago and began sewing with knits and man made fibres (Chiffon, satin, etc.) and of course the serger is excellent for these fabrics. For see-through fabrics in particular, the serger is excellent for seams and will do an awesome rolled hem with much less fuss than a sewing machine with a rolled hem foot (in my limited experience, that is!).

        My biggest takeaway from adding a serger to my toolbox is that is dramatically cuts down on total sewing time for garments if the seams must be finished – and, as I am sure you know, not all fabrics *require* seam finishing, nor is it necessary for *all* garments (if seams are visible or come under significant wear or stress, or if you are aiming for couture level results, it makes sense to do some kind of finishing).

        I also use a rotary cutter for almost all pattern cutting and general fabric cutting, although I have several pairs of sewing shears for trimming seams, and the little tiny cuts that the rotary cutter doesn’t do so well. Curved cuts are not difficult with a rotary cutter with a little practice.

        If you have a large space to lay out your fabric for garment cutting and a large cutting mat, the rotary cutter is much faster than scissors, especially if you use pattern weights rather than pins. I have found that (full) cat food cans make excellent pattern weights and seem to be readily available in my house at all times!

        Sandra Betzina has a series of youtubes on sewing – mostly in relation to her pattern series – but I found them eye-opening to see how she cuts fabric and her approach to alterations and customization. I really moved into a new phase of my development as a seamstress after seeing them.

        I loved Threads magazine during my natural-fibres-only period, but it definitely fed my compulsion to have everything done “right” (methods, techniques, etc.) and “perfect” even if it took 40 hours to make a blouse.

        BTW, I am SO happy to have left that behind!

    9. Oldbiddy*

      Get the rotary cutter and mat!
      I’m also a newbie, and spent a grand total of $50 on a sewing machine and sewing machine table, buy my fabric at the store that sells donated fabric and supplies, and got a bunch of freebies from a friend. But I splurged and got a big mat, nice rotary cutter and big quilting ruler. Those items cost more than all my other sewing expenditures combined and I have absolutely zero regrets. I don’t enjoy cutting fabric but I’m super fussy about the cuts, so it’s a way to satisfy both my perfectionist and lazy sides.

  69. Red Sky*

    Any recommendations for a Lighted Overhead Tripod iphone Holder for filming short videos for fine detail work? I’ll be filming things like embroidery stitches or the occasional gif recipe. I’m new to this aspect of technology and don’t really know what to look for or where to start. Amazon has sooo many options I’m not sure what’s reasonable to spend on something that’s just a hobby or what features to look for.

  70. Loopy*

    This is a super random question… but how early do folks start seeing eggnog in stores? I want to recipe test some holiday cupcakes for an involved baking fundraiser and want to include an eggnog cupcake. But I never drink it so I never noticed when it appears in stores! Any chance it’ll show up by sometime in Oct? Or is it usually only Nov/Dec?

      1. Loopy*

        I saw that an wasn’t sure sure if it referred to manufacturing or selling. Either way it looks iffy that I’ll snag any before Nov since I’m on east coast :(

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      When I worked at Starbucks, our dairy began providing eggnog in mid-November. Stores sometimes got it a little earlier or later, because of the order schedule. This is going to depend pretty closely on your local area, though. Depending on the market I know places begin receiving it in mid-October. You might want to have a poke around a few different stores in your area, or if you can corral a dairy manager they might be able to give you a better answer.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I am really hoping to whip up a batch to make sure I have a recipe before advertising them so even late Oct would work!

    3. fposte*

      You can make your own! Since it’s going into baked goods anyway, you don’t have to worry about pasteurizing.

      1. Loopy*

        I briefly thought of this but I am no eggnog connoisseur and likely wouldn’t be able to tell if I had a good batch or not! It’s really not my preferred flavor so I have little experience with it but I know it’s a popular one for the holiday season! I should probably give up on it being a featured flavor based on that alone…. but I get so stubborn about ideas.

    4. Occasional Baker*

      I’ve definitely seen it in October….Hood gets it out there pretty early, East Coast here too

    5. Ranon*

      Most recipes I’ve seen for eggnog flavored baked goods just use nutmeg, rum flavor and/ or vanilla and cinnamon- if you get the nutmeg in there you’re about 80% of the way anyhow. King Arthur Flour has recipes for eggnog muffins and eggnog cheesecake that might get you close.

    6. PollyQ*

      Funny you should ask — last year I saw it in the supermarket (Safeway) at what seemed like a ridiculously early date, so I took a picture. Lo & behold, it’s still on my phone, and that date was Oct. 13. (8:59pm). This is in the SF Bay Area.

      They also sell eggnog flavoring for bakers, so it might just be easiest to buy a bottle of that.

    7. Red haired runner*

      I’d be cautious using eggnog as an ingredient for baking. Fat content and other ingredient ratios can vary a lot from brand to brand. The local dairy by my parents sells an eggnog that is way richer than the mass produced stuff. The water/fat/protein ratio of dairy products can have a pretty big effect on baked goods.

  71. Fellow Traveller*

    Hello All!
    Wanted to send an update and an (unrelated) ask.
    Update: A couple months ago, I wrote about attending a lecture where the speaker had some images in his slides that I felt displayed some gender, cultural and racial bias, and I asked for advice on how/if to address it with the speaker (who is hard to reach since he has no social media presence). Well, I followed someone’s advice and wrote the library that presented the talk and they were kind enough to put me in touch with the author/professor. I wrote the author an email and he wrote back thanking me for the input and saying he would take another look at his slides. So, not wholly satisfactory an answer, but I felt good for having at least pointed it out to him. Thanks to everyone who shared a thought!

    As for the ask: I want to bake something to send in a care package to a friend across the country (US) who is having a hard time. What are your favorite baked treats to either send or receive in the mail? Also any tips for mailing treats so that they arrive in tact and still tasty?
    Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

    2. Alex*

      My favorites are classic cookies. Chocolate chip, or maybe peanut butter. They will stay intact as long as you pick a recipe that is chewy as opposed to crispy. Crispy cookies are a no-go!

    3. Parenthetically*

      Gingerbread (and gingerbread cookies) tastes better as it sits, so is ideal for shipping, IMO!

    5. Loopy*

      I think cookies hold up the best. I line a cookie tin with saran wrap with plenty of extra to fold over. Then I wrap cookies in saran wrap in bundles of two with the flat sides together (two cookies =more reinforcement for less chance of breaking). Then I layer my two-cookie bundles in a cookie tin and when full I fold the saran wrap over. Then I use tissue paper around my saran wrap bundle to avoid any extra space. I get about 18 cookies in a large cookie tin so enough for a decent little sampler of 6-6-6.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      It’s good to hear that your shared your feedback with the presenter. The fact that he replied, and said he’d review his slides, is progress in getting him to think about it. Perhaps someone else will be a second voice and move the needle farther.

      I was at an event once where I felt the presenter began their history talk with the first white Americans who came to the place, rather than starting with the Native Americans who had been there previously. After her otherwise excellent talk, I pointed this out in a non-confrontational way and she thanked me. A year later, I happened to be at another comparable event and she was included the indigenous history first. It was really cool to see, and I let her know I appreciated it.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        That’s so encouraging to hear! I know it’s never anyone’s job to educate someone else on their biases, yet I feel like the current environment seems to encourage speaking out, probably in a more confrontational way that I would like. Everything seems very fraught these days.

  72. Annie Oakley*

    Thinking about making a king bed out of two twins with a king sized topper on top to bridge the crack. Anyone done this?

    My husband and I can’t find a mattress we both find comfortable (don’t find sleep numbers comfy either) so I’m trying to find a solution other than separate beds. He is 6’5” and 250+ and I am 120+ lbs less so that contributes to the mattress difficulty. All foam mattressEs cause him to sink in a crater and raise me up on a hard plateau.

    1. Alex*

      I haven’t done that but hotels do that all the time, don’t they? I’ve stayed in a bunch of hotels where you could either have two twin beds or a King, but really what that meant was how they would make up the bed, not the actual furniture.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      We did that for about five years – we had a king-sized bed frame, but used two twin-sized mattresses on it. No problems, so long as the mattresses are the same thickness! (We didn’t even bother with the topper, haha. It was a very clear delineation between MY side of the bed and HIS side of the bed. :P We used one king-sized fitted sheet, but we each have our own top sheets/blankets, even now that we have one solid mattress, which we just got about a month ago, because of varying temperature preferences and the fact that he hogs the covers, then gets hot and throws them off the floor on his side of the bed while I’m curled up in a frozen ball :P

      Sounds like we have about the same height/weight variance you guys do, as well, only the foam mattress sinking/rock plateau thing worked for us, because he wanted a soft cushy mattress and I apparently sleep best on a slab of concrete. :)

      2. Jaid*

        That’s what my parents do too! They do share an electric blanket, but it has separate controls, so Mom is as toasty warm as she likes.

    3. Mimosa Jones*

      What you get is a little smaller than an actual king mattress – two inches shorter and an inch narrower- but it shouldn’t make that much difference. If you’ve got the space, you could get two XL twins and have that extra length. Those two inches can make a difference. And you wouldn’t have to get the topper because you could orient the crack to be between the two of you.

      Something to think about, as long as you’re going to be buying bedding, is how well you two share covers. This is your chance to buy twin sheets and blankets and dress your bed European style with each person getting their own covers. It could be cheaper and more comfortable.

      1. Enough*

        Actually it would be five inches short. King, queen and xl twin are 80″ long and twin and full/double are 75″ long. King is 76″ wide and all twins are 38″ wide.

    4. Washi*

      This is exactly what we have! Not really on purpose, more because when my husband and I moved in together, we each owned one twin bed and pushed them together to make a “king.” It’s now been almost 10 years of this arrangement and we just can’t quite bite the bullet and get a real king – they’re so expensive!

      Pros:
      -Easier to move and get up stairs (we’re still moving around a lot)
      -Each person gets their preferred firmness
      -Can’t really feel the other person rolling around/ getting in and out
      -We also use one fitted sheet, but separate twin sheets/duvets on top for extra customization and peaceful sleeping

      Cons:
      -If you use two regular twins, your bed will be a non-standard size and king stuff will all be too long. I cut a piece of cheap foam for the top to the correct size, but sometimes it shifts around under the fitted sheet.
      -The bed sometimes looks sliiiighly wonky unless I’ve made a real effort to straighten and even everything out
      -You need to make sure your bed frame will work for the two twin thing

      For us, a lot of the cons come from the fact that we just pushed two regular twins that we already had together. It was sheer luck that they ended up almost the right height (one side is maybe 1/4 inch taller) and generally we have this arrangement because we’re cheap and aren’t ready to invest a lot of money in a new bed. However, if you plan this from the getgo and use two XL twins, your bed will actually be the correct king size, you can use standard bedding and toppers, and make sure that your beds are actually the same height. Then I see only pros and no cons!

    5. Generic Name*

      I’ve seen padded strips sold to bridge the gap for just this thing. I think it’s one of those “as seen on TV” things?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, they also often include a strap that winds around the outside so the mattresses don’t slide apart.

    6. Oh Brother*

      That’s very European! My German mate swears by this arrangement- she even says the crack in the middle is ideal (avoids ‘third arm syndrome’ when spooning). Do it!

    7. Anono-me*

      Sometimes mattress stores will sell the demo models which are usually half of one type and half of another type of mattresses. (To save space.) If you are comfortable with the demo model that might be another alternative for you.

    8. Annie Oakley*

      You all have given me confidence to try it! Plus, if it doesn’t work out we can use the twin mattresses for the kids as they outgrow the toddler bed. Definitely will get XL and my hubby will be building the bed frame, so no problem with it fitting!

    9. Ron McDon*

      Bit late to the party here, but my parents have a ‘zip link’ bed. It’s two single beds with a zipper that connects the mattresses together (I think there’s some sort of clip to secure the bases together too).

      They bought it for when they were hosting teachers from abroad who were studying language at a local school; the teachers could share a room with two single beds, then the beds could be zipped together when my sister and BIL came to stay.

  73. C Average*

    Have any of you transitioned an outdoor cat into an indoor cat? Any tips?

    We have been adopted by a cat who used to belong to a woman around the block. (It’s a long story. She knows he’s here and is glad he’s safe, and we’re letting him live where he wants to live.)

    He eats and sleeps on our porch, in a space we’ve set up for him. He likes us and let’s us pet him, although that took a while to accomplish and he still spooks easily. He will venture inside if the door is open and we’re nearby, but he freaks out if the door is closed while he’s inside.

    We have a cat door for our other cat, who comes and goes as he pleases. Ideally, the new guy would also use the cat door. I tried to show him how the cat door works, but apparently I don’t speak fluent enough Cat to convey my thoughts.

    1. WellRed*

      Not a cat expert but I suspect he’ll figure it out when he wants to, especially if you live in an area where it gets colder.

    2. sswj*

      Just keep doing what you’re doing, it may take some time for him to get really comfortable. If you can entice him inside with something super yummy and special, that he only gets when he’s inside, so much the better. Routine should be your friend too, if you vacant manage it. Make changes slowly, if you have to. I’ve taught my cats the cat food dinnerbell too, when they are eating, or better yet just coming to eat the canned goodies, I tap the rim of the can or a metal bowl. Pretty soon that sound will mean good things and they come running.

      As for the cat door, if you get him inside and shut the door in him, tape the cat flap up for a while and let him go out that way a few times. If you can feed right in front of it so much the better, eventually you can tape the flap up and put the food inside and hopefully he’ll get the idea (especially if he watches the other cat go through).

      Thanks for taking him in!

    3. Cruciatus*

      Could you put a particularly stinky food on one side or the other to encourage the desire to actually use the door? Maybe waft it towards the cat using the flap and maybe that’ll be enough to get him to try? Also, is it possible to keep the flap open at first? Maybe not but just an idea.

    4. WS*

      Late, but yes I have. Your new cat is very much not ready to be an indoor cat yet. Keep doing what you’re doing but allow him an escape route at all times (he might prefer being shown the cat door as a way out of the house, rather than in). Feed him closer and closer to the door and eventually just inside the door, so eventually he will work out that nice things happen indoors (and if it’s getting colder where you are this will help, too). You’re doing the right things, but the cat is on cat time and will move in as he’s ready.

  74. Bekx*

    In search of non-patriarchal books for my husband during pregnancy.

    My husband is having trouble finding books that aren’t overly patriarchal or insulting (he’s so excited to be a dad, he doesn’t want a book telling him his life will be over or “women, how about them hormones, wink wink”). Apparently this is hard to find!

    We’re both reading and enjoying Expecting Better by Emily Oster, but he’d like a book that is focused on how the partner can support their pregnant partner. Any recommendations?

    1. Blackcat*

      So I left a reply that got strangely eaten. You’re right that the book he is looking for is either impossible to find or does not exist.
      Our therapist recommended How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids.

      And, frankly, other than “Do more stuff around the house” the supporting a pregnant partner stuff was about a million times easier than the supporting a post-partum partner stuff. Pregnancy is ultimately short, and I recommend doing readings that focus on parenting.

      The other tip I have is to realize that most stuff about pregnancy/labor is directed towards typical experiences. My husband did all this reading to prepare to support me through a typical first-time labor (think 12+ hours, long haul kind of stuff). He was not remotely prepared to support me through what ultimately happened (~2 hr, with a *very* dramatic last 30 minutes) because neither of us realized it was a possibility. We did hire a doula, who was able to be like “Yo, nurses, Blackcat is gonna pop this baby out in triage unless you get her in a room RIGHT NOW” She was invaluable, while my husband was terrified and frozen. Doulas are a more complicated thing in the COVID era, but it might still be worth looking into. I think my husband would have done fine in a typical situation. But my labor rapidly went from “I’m gonna have this baby RIGHT NOW” to both me and baby in significant distress to both me and baby being 100% fine (once he was on the outside) in the span of about 20 minutes. My husband felt terrible he wasn’t “there” for me during that, and honestly a lot of what our doula did in the time after birth was calm him down. He was legitimately terrified I was going to die, and he was pretty traumatized by the experience. You hear a lot about birthing people experiencing birth trauma, but very little about it from the partner’s side. In our case, I was totally fine post-birth, but it took a few months for him to really recover mentally from it. In the VAST majority of cases, even complex, scary births turn out just fine thanks to modern medicine. I had internalized that prior to birth, and trusted I was going to be fine. He hadn’t.

      I wish I could point you to resources about this stuff, but there’s basically nothing out there on men coping with this sort of stuff. I asked our therapist for recs and she came up empty.

      1. Bekx*

        Thanks for this! We are definitely finding that the book we want doesn’t seem to exist.

        That’s a good point about not knowing what could actually happen in the moment. Not sure about a doula because of covid but we have a little time to figure that out.

        Thanks, glad everything worked out for you.

        1. Observer*

          I’m going to say that if I had to choose between doula and husband, I’d go with a doula. Although hopefully hospitals are getting a bit smarter about this and allowing both. If the doula is good, she’ll be taking appropriate precautions to present very little risk, and the studies indicate much better outcomes with a doula than without – even with an SO present. So please really do your best to have one.

          Keep in mind that Doula and SO are not interchangeable roles, so ideally (if you SO is up to the role), you want both.

        2. Blackcat*

          I’d keep an eye on the situation. Honestly, if I were having a baby under current restrictions, I’d leave my husband home and go with the doula. That’s an easier choice given we have a toddler, but I think it’s more important for me to have good support in advocating for myself than it is for my husband to get to see the baby born.

          A lot of pregnancy resources sort of offer the “this is typical” vs “this is bad!” viewpoints that can sort of create this impression that pregnancy and birth is either “normal” or “high risk”, either “natural” or “medicated”, either “smooth” or “disaster crash c-section.” In reality everything is a spectrum. I had a pretty atypical pregnancy and birth in a variety of ways, but everything was fine. Lots can go “wrong” and everything will still turn out fine the vast majority of the time. It may be harder in the moment, but I’ve known people who went through things pretty bonkers (like PROM at 22 weeks) and still have healthy toddlers. It’s easy to spiral when something goes wrong, but the vast majority of the time, things turn out just fine.

    3. Ranon*

      The Birth Partner is a favorite in my circles for labor support.

      The dad targeted ones seem to all suffer from what my husband calls the “which end is the butt?!” phenomenon, for child care we’ve had much better luck with non directed ones like Baby 411 and the APA’s Birth to Five Years book

    4. HannahS*

      There’s the dummies’ series book called A Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy. I’ve heard good things about The Expectant Father, too.

    5. Emma*

      My husband never found this book either! And he looked. We both loved Expecting Better though. Also: only commenting on this because I’m genuinely surprised to see it in the above comments, but being present at the birth of your child is an incredibly powerful and bonding experience. Most hospitals are limiting to one guest and you can’t switch them out, so your husband wouldn’t meet his baby until 48 hours after they were born…in my book that’s a non-starter. He sounds like the kind of guy who would be helpful and advocate for you if you need it! A doula is not a requirement: my best friend had one and loved it, I didn’t have one and loved it.

      1. Observer*

        Being present at the birth IS a big deal, no doubt. But Mom’s welfare comes first. And by and large, a good doula is more useful than a spouse if things don’t go as planned. It’s a different skill set and not one that someone can learn in the course of one pregnancy.

  75. Nacho*

    Does anybody have any experience converting a tablet into a photo album? Any tips? My mom is getting on in years and would like something like that, but she doesn’t know where to begin or what kind of tablet to buy.

    1. Dan*

      Wait… what exactly do you mean? I first read your question as “I have bunch of photos on my tablet that I would like to turn into a print album, is that possible?” But I reread it, if you don’t have a tablet, does that mean the photos don’t exist yet? Or that you want to buy a tablet, transfer the photos to it, and then mail/fedex/UPS the tablet to somebody?

      In general, it’s very much possible to convert digital photos on your computer/phone/tablet into a print album. There’s any number of websites that will do that. You usually log into a website (or possibly an app… I always do it from my PC/laptop) and you can design layouts and drag and drop photos and add captions on all of that. You can also just have them convert the digital photos to stand 3×5 prints. (I think you can even buy printers that do that.) At my place, I have 20″x30″ canvas prints on my walls… all full of photos I’ve taken overseas on a digital camera. Back in the day when I was actively printing them, I’d use whatever discounter groupon came along for them. IMHO, all of the services are more or less the same, for the albums, it’s just a matter of price and whoever’s interface works best for you.

      I hope this helps. If I misunderstood what you were asking for, I apologize.

      1. Wehaf*

        I’m pretty sure Nacho wants to use a tablet as a digital picture frame, storing an album of photos which change automatically or which her mom can flip through.

        Nacho, if I’m interpreting your question correctly, if your mom doesn’t have a tablet already, then you’ll probably want to look at tablets, at digital photo frame, and, in particular, at tablets which have this functionality built in so you don’t have to fiddle with anything. PC had a recent roundup of options; I’ll link to it in a reply.

    2. A313*

      Although this isn’t what you asked, it reminded me of those digital photo frames that display a slideshow rotation of photos. I think some are now able to have photos sent (emailed) to them, so you and others can send new photos for display. Would something like this work for you?

      1. Reba*

        My elderly relative has a Skylight brand one of these gadgets. It’s fine! The fact that it has no other features or abilities is a plus for this person :)

        Make sure to set the account to private (only accept emails from approved senders) — it’s otherwise vulnerable.

        My relative doesn’t use the internet, so once in a while somebody takes the frame to their house to update it and load photos people have sent in. If your person does have internet already, of course that step wouldn’t be needed!

    3. Observer*

      If all you want is photos, you are probably best off getting a digital photo frame. They have gotten really good.

  76. AnonFriend*

    I’m looking for some advice on a weird friendship issue. I’m a single, child free woman in my late 3o’s. My best friend (Jill) is married with two kids under 10 and in her early 40’s. For the past few years almost every day Jill starts a conversation with me complaining about her husband John. He doesn’t help with the kids, he spends too much money, he’s immature, he never does what she wants, etc. He also has cheated on her in the past so their relationship is a bit rocky. This has gotten increasingly worse during Covid because John lost his job and Jill was WFH. So it became even more obvious to her how little he does and they’re just getting on each others nerves. Its the only thing she’ll ever talk about – to the point that when I was mentioning a family members health scare to her she said “Ok, but back to me”. I don’t want to hear about it anymore and at this point I personally don’t understand why they’re still together. The problem is if I say that she’ll get angry and defensive and try to tell me all relationships are like this – but are they? I don’t necessarily want to cut off the friendship because at this age its tough to make new friends, but I also don’t want to hear about these issues if she’s not going to do anything to try to help her situation. I’ve never been married – so is this normal?

    1. Dan*

      When you ask “is this normal” (in response to Jill’s “all relationships are like ‘this'”) I have to ask what, exactly, is the “this”?

      Because there’s Jill’s relationship with John, and there’s Jill’s relationship with you. I do think it’s somewhat common for friends to complain about their spouses. I don’t think it’s healthy to constantly do it, because if/when the two decide to sort it all out, you now have to switch gears and accept John as the “good guy” after you made peace with him being the “bad guy” and your friend choosing to stick it out under those circumstances. People ask around here from time to time about maintaining those kinds of friendships, and the advice is usually, “when the friendship becomes that one-sided, it’s ok to back off.”

      Then there’s Jill’s relationship with John. Is it normal for guys to slouch on their share of the child care/housework? More common than it should be. Is it normal for the other person to not be happy about it? Yup. Is it normal for the other person to continue on in the relationship, complain about it, but not do a whole lot to try and change it? Again, more common than it should be.

      But it’s also normal to have a relationship where people actually respect each other and are happy with the arrangement, whatever that may be. Goes for friends as well as spouses.

      I got out of my not-happy marriage in a few years. What I learned in various support groups and what not is that the number of people who decide to continue on in an unhappy marriage for Reasons is absolutely astounding. It actually made me think it *wasn’t* normal to bail out of an unhappy marriage so quickly. Most people in that group stuck it out until the kids were grown, I was the only one who bailed before kids entered the picture.

    2. Pennyworth*

      I think the recommended response to endless complaints is ‘So what are you planning to do about that?’ Each time. And no, not all relationships are like hers, nor is it normal to bore your friend with complaints on a perpetual loop. I’ve been in a really bad relationship, and the people who knew about it were on a pretty strict ‘moan diet’, principally because I felt embarrassed to keep talking about a situation I was doing nothing to improve. Please try to observe successful couples in action and learn from them, and don’t think your friend’s relationship is somehow typical.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. This guy could be awful, or his wife could just be enjoying the drama of venting because venting is easier than actually doing something about a problem. Just loop back to “so what are you going to do about it?”

    3. Analyst Editor*

      In terms of marriages, it’s more common than one would like it to be, but there’s all sorts of crap out there better and worse, from men and women. Various degrees of martyr-wife and man-child husband exists. But unless you’ve really been observing their interactions, you have no idea how bad it actually is, and how much your friend contributed to the dynamic over the years. Either way, contempt for one’s spouse is not a good sign for a relationship, and it’s probably not great for kids to see it.
      BUT: only she and her husband can make a decision about their relationship, and it’s not your job to fix their problems, even if you could. If you want to reduce the complaining, signal that it bores you and that you are not going to indulge, gratify, validate her in her gripes. I’d guess you can do that by not asking follow-up questions, seeing things from her husband’s perspective (but without lying), but you’d have to find your own conversational approaches to this.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        Thoughts based on my own relationship and observing the ones on my friend and family circles.

    4. Jessi*

      YOu can also say to her “I want to be a good friend to you but I’m also done listening to you complain about your husband. I am not the right person to hear that and Id like a break from hearing about him”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I absolutely love this response.

        I listened to family member (FM) complain about spouse for decades. I was dense and did not think about putting my foot down. I guess I kept hoping it would get better. Now, FM points were accurate but very poorly stated as they had lots of anger and sarcasm in their voice.

        I got so I dreaded being around this person because it was just more of the same hopelessness. I waited too long to speak up. Finally, I was pretty angry at the amount of MY time this FM had wasted in talking about this problem that would not solve itself on its own. Meanwhile I had problems that I was actually trying to resolve. FM did not lift a finger to resolve anything in their situation. Exasperated, I blew my lid, “Sh!t or get off the pot! Work on your marriage or get out.”. Yeah. I actually said that.

        Because I had let this go on for so long, I was NOT heard. FM kept talking as if I hadn’t said a thing.

        And in that moment, I knew I had only myself to blame. I did not insist that the friendship be a two way street where I could talk about my stuff also. I had lost respect for potty-mouthed FM. Even though their complaints about Spouse were correct, I told the spouse to ditch the loser FM. I said, “He is totally disrespectful to you and he does not deserve you.” Spouse very seldom complained about FM and it became very noticeable that FM was enjoying their self-proclaimed martyrdom.

        This leads me to a larger observation. Some people are self-defined martyrs. That is their identity. If we try to take it away from them, they have no identity left. And it’s very threatening for them. Their number one occupation in life is “suffering”, that is what they do. And it’s easy to identify these folks because what ever you come up with to say “won’t work” and they do not develop their own ideas to try.

    5. Nameless Shark*

      I think a lot of people have had some variation of this complaint! A couple of years ago I had a close friend who began worrying over being in her 30s and unmarried. This became an all consuming obsession and eventually the only thing she would ever discuss.

      I debated whether to gently pull her aside and suggest seeing a therapist – but realised this would only likely aggravate her further. Eventually I just stopped listening. When she messaged me about the same complaints I didn’t reply. When she talked about this in person I responded with “uh huh” and visibly tuned out before changing the subject. After some time she stopped discussing it with me; and thankfully dealt with her feelings on this issue as well.

      I’m a fan of being direct when it comes to interpersonal communication. But sometimes, for various reasons, it’s not appropriate or possible to tell a friend “I love you but you need to stop talking about this with me.” You can communicate non verbally to your friend that you’re not interested in listening and let her deal with this in her own way.

    7. Generic Name*

      The “Are all relationships like this?” question is actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. My first marriage was not a happy one. I would look at some of my friends’ relationships and I could tell that they were totally into each other, even after 20 years in some cases, and I wondered why my marriage wasn’t like that. I got out of that marriage and am married again, and my new marriage is, in a word, amazing. I feel like I have a crush on my own husband. :) And I’ve been marveling at how awesome it feels to be with him and I think that maybe I’m still in the honeymoon period of our relationship? We’ve been together for 2 years, married a few months, so maybe? I’ve come to the tentative conclusion that many marriages are like your friend’s. Enough so that it’s become a stereotype that is perpetuated by popular culture and movies and tv shows. And that makes me sad, because, no, not all marriages are like that, nor do they have to be.

      Everyone in this situation has choices. Your friend could choose to leave her marriage, or she could choose to not complain about her husband to you so much. You also get to make choices about whether or not you want to be your friend’s unpaid therapist. As we get older, yes, friendships are hard to find, but I wonder just how much a friendship this is for you. What do you get out of the relationship? Anything? Her “back to me” comment is worrying, because that statement makes me think that she doesn’t care about you at all and just likes using you as a vessel for her negative thoughts about her marriage. It’s valid to not want to fulfill that role for her. The boundary-setting advice above is a good place to start.

    8. lazy intellectual*

      Yikes. I had a college version of your friendship, and had to more or less end it. I don’t know about “normal”, but Jill is in a toxic relationship and it’s spilling into your friendship with her. I think the kindest thing you can do is to be honest with her about how you no longer want to be a sounding board about her marriage issues, and take cues from her reaction going forward. It’s not nice of her to one make your conversations one sided to only to complain about her marriage. She is basically using you as a therapist. That is not okay. You are no longer in a mutually beneficial friendship because she doesn’t care to give you the same support you’ve been giving her.

    9. RagingADHD*

      Are there a lot of unhappy marriages? Yes.

      Are there a lot of women who marry irresponsible, childish men and then find them intolerable when there are real children to take care of? Yes.

      Is it normal? No.

      Is this every relationship? Hell, no.

      Have they even tried counseling? It is entirely possible for rocky relationships to improve. It’s possible for immature, irreslonsible people to grow – if they want to, and they work on it.

      But she has convinced herself that this is normal, and all marriages are like this. So she’s not going to pursue change herself.

    10. Deanna Troi*

      Your post made me sad because I lost a decades long super close friendship over a similar situation.

      My friend and I were best friends since first grade, we were the MOH in each other’s weddings, we went on vacations together. After she was married for about 20 years, she began to complain about her husband. Eventually that was all she talked about and cried every time we talked or saw each other.

      I tried all of the suggestions – asking her what she was going to do about it, telling her that I love her and support her, but that I couldn’t listen to it anymore, suggesting that she get a therapist. Last year, after about 10 years of this, we were together for 3 hours and she didn’t ask me one question about me in that entire time. She cried and complained about him without taking a breath for 3 hours straight. The relationship had gradually became completely one sided – so gradually that I didn’t notice it for a long time.

      I told her I couldn’t do this anymore and stopped responding to her messages. I let it go on way too long – I would come home all stressed out and my husband actually said “I don’t know why you spend so much time with her – you don’t even like her and clearly don’t enjoy the time you spend with her.” I did it because I felt guilty abandoning her in her time of need and she kept saying that I was the only one that could help her. But I realized that I wasn’t actually helping her. I also realized that she wasn’t going through a crisis – this had become her normal life. I’m still heartbroken about it, but sometimes you just have to break it off.

      PS. I’ve been married for over 20 years to an amazing man who makes me feel thankful every single day. Please don’t let her experience make you believe that’s how all relationships are.

  77. Goose*

    I think my poor cat has a UTI. We have a vet appointments on Tuesday (stupid holiday) but she’s running back and forth to the litter box every few minutes. She seems so uncomfortable. Anything I can do in the meantime?

      2. Deanna Troi*

        I agree as well. When I have a UTI, there is no way I could wait for 3 days. Please try to find an emergency vet so she doesn’t have to suffer.

    3. Quandong*

      Goose, your description is of an acute medical problem with your cat, the kind which is serious. I’m sorry she’s in so much discomfort – what will help is treatment ASAP (emergency vet visit).

      My cat hides pain for as long as he can. When it’s obvious, I know the pain or injury needs urgent attention, and often it’s after hours or on weekends. I hope you can get your cat to a vet very very soon.

      Side story: years ago I lived with an adult human who put off seeking treatment for a urinary tract issue until one day he had a total blockage. He didn’t know the risk of being unable to urinate and wanted to make a specialist appointment; the very first receptionist he spoke with told him to get to the ER right away. I’m grateful he listened and agreed to go to hospital, it could have been a terrible outcome had he waited longer.

    4. Amy*

      So, odds are your cat has Feline Interstitial Cystitis (FIC), not a UTI. UTI is actually pretty rare in young, healthy cats. The good news is that since she is a female she is at lower risk of becoming blocked (stone plugging the urethra) than a male because of her anatomy – females have a short, wide urethra and males have a longer, skinnier one. If she is straining to urinate and nothing is coming out that is a potentially fatal medical emergency that requires immediate intervention, but again, that’s not as common in females.

      FIC has a complicated pathogenesis, but essentially it is sterile (noninfectious) inflammation of the bladder that is brought on by a combination of things including stress, genetic factors, being under-hydrated, etc. Cats that are indoors, overweight, and on a dry food (low moisture) diet are predisposed. It is incredibly painful and pain medication is the mainstay of treatment, at least in the short-term. The good news is it typically resolves within a week, but the bad news is it’s likely to recur. The best long-term treatment is to make the cat’s environment as stress-free and enriching as possible, as well as switching to canned food.

      If it’s at all possible to get your cat seen before Tuesday I would really advise it, because if it does turn out to be something else (UTI, stones) that can get ugly fast, as in ascending infection to the kidneys. Plus your kitty is probably in a lot of pain and needs help. But if it can’t happen then observe her closely, make sure she’s not blocked, and keep her as hydrated and stress-free as possible. If she does block then rush her to the emergency vet right away – that absolutely cannot wait or she will die (sorry).

      1. Amy*

        I should also say that FIC can result in the urethra getting blocked by inflammatory debris, so the risk of blockage is real. More common in males, but still.

    5. Anonymous Cat Owner*

      I’m coming out of lurkdom to agree with everyone else and urge you to take your cat to an emergency vet. That was what I did when my cat exhibited the same behavior, even though it meant driving through the snow after dark. It turned out he had crystals and, like others have noted, could have ended up blocked if I had waited.

      Even with treatment, he took something like a week to start getting better. The medication didn’t seem to do much to help, and he started peeing outside of the litter box. I didn’t sleep for days. Now, thankfully, he is doing well on a prescription wet food diet, but I still check his litter box to make sure there are good-sized clumps of pee in it.

      Please get your cat help as soon as possible.

    6. Goose*

      Good morning all–just woke up to these messages and we are on the way to the emergency vet….as soon as she I can get her from under my bed.

      2. Goose*

        Update: ER had 6 hour wait so they graciously brought her in to check vitals. All good there so I got permission to continue monitoring until Tuesday. Thank you all for your concern!

  78. Aphrodite*

    Araminta18, I just saw your question to me as the OP of last week’s discussion of the bed fan. You asked if it would work with weighted blankets. Yes, it will work with them very well. I like weight on me in bed even at the height of summer’s heat. The bed fan has a large range of, well, blowing speeds, so you can turn it as high or as low as you want. No weighted blanket will be able to clog the airflow.

  79. Grim*

    Electric hair trimmer recommendations please. Looking for hair trimmer with length attachments that easily cuts salt & pepper hair.

    I have a fairly new, but inexpensive Oster that only seems to ‘nibble’ at my hair and pulls rather than cleanly cuts my hair. I tend to let cut my hair using the 1/16 inch attachment on the sides and 1/4 on top. I let my hair grow out about 2 inches before my next hair cut, mainly because it takes so long with my current trimmer.

    I have $ to spend and want a trimmer that cuts easily. Thanks.

  81. Ali G*

    Hey y’all! I’m so excited. This year is the first year ever my husband and I will not travel for the Holidays in December. This was planned pre-COVID. We typically fly to see my family, which is expensive and it’s getting really hard to find a dogsitter that time of year, so this past year we told my parents we are going every other year.
    Anyway, what I am most excited about is getting to decorate! We have no decorations. I’m a non-practicing Jew and my husband was raised Catholic. I am more interested in decorating for the season, not the Holidays, although we want to get a tree. My MIL gives us a Swarvoski (sp) snow flake ornament every year, but that’s all we have.
    Can anyone recommend some places for reasonable priced, festive decorations?
    PS thank you to everyone that gave me rec’s for new shampoo and conditioner! I ended up going with Klorase and am happy so far!

    1. Max Kitty*

      I would try thrift stores first if you have some nearby. We found lots of decorations there for pretty cheap.

    2. Not A Manager*

      “Decorations” can mean so many things. I come from a family of low-impact Jews who have mostly married non-Jews. Some of them went to the far extreme of Christmas!! decorating, while others just did evergreen boughs on the mantle.

      My suggestion is that you not try to buy a bunch of specialized “decorations” all at once. The pleasure of the cute gnomes or the fat Santa is that you found that one thing that one time in that one place. If you buy too many at once, or just get them off Etsy, they won’t feel as special. Start your collection this year with one or two objects, and add to them over time.

      For decorating: Evergreen boughs, a few small poinsettias to tuck into them or to place on side tables, and a few larger ones to put on the floor. A nice wreath for the door – you can get everything from a minimalist bay leaf or evergreen wreath, to something with lots of colors and ribbons on it. Some strings of lights that you can tuck into your greenery or drape over a shelf.

      Years ago we were at a relative’s house for Christmas at a difficult time for my nuclear family. I wanted a tree for my kids, so I ordered a box of ornaments from Target. It was lovely and quite inexpensive – a sturdy cardboard cube with stacked boxes inside it, with a nice assortment of shiny and matte globes. If you get something like that, you can make your tree festive without spending a fortune, and your crystal ornaments will showcase well.

      Restoration Hardware always has a nice collection of ornaments and decorations, but they are not inexpensive. I wouldn’t use them to buy all my Christmas stuff, but if you want a few well-designed pieces that’s a good place to look.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Years ago we were at a relative’s house for Christmas at a difficult time for my nuclear family. I wanted a tree for my kids, so I ordered a box of ornaments from Target. It was lovely and quite inexpensive – a sturdy cardboard cube with stacked boxes inside it, with a nice assortment of shiny and matte globes. If you get something like that, you can make your tree festive without spending a fortune, and your crystal ornaments will showcase well.

      Restoration Hardware always has a nice collection of ornaments and decorations, but they are not inexpensive. I wouldn’t use them to buy all my Christmas stuff, but if you want a few well-designed pieces that’s a good place to look.

      1. Not A Manager*

        That’s weird, there were a couple paragraphs prior to that. I was just suggesting that you not try to get all your specialized decorations all at once, because the fun of the collection is finding each charming thing individually – the little gnome, or the fat Santa, or the blown glass tree ornament.

        Instead, start this year with things like evergreen boughs and poinsettias and a nice wreath for your door, and then over time you will find little objects and pieces to add character to that. Same with the tree – get a nice collection of background-type ornaments, and then as you find unique ones, they’ll pop out when you hang them.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, I got the target box, and as I added individualized ornaments we just gradually stopped using the generic ones :)

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      For a sheer quantity of stuff to hang on the tree that is both eco-conscious and cheap, I bought a few sets of real pinecones glued to twine loops. You could get them on Etsy or Amazon or even make your own. Looks woodsy for a theme, not made of plastic, and you can get like 20 for less than $10 usually.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Congrats on your first tree! If you’re at all craftsy (or would like to be), there are some simple things you can make; I’m rather fond of cinnamon-glue ornaments, basically a mix of powdered cinnamon and white glue, put into cookie or candy molds (or, if you’re good at sculpting, hand-molded). They dry to a nice hard texture (remember to poke holes in them before they dry) and have a nice cinnamon scent. Dollar stores might have big containers of cinnamon for cheap if you want to try lots of these, but you could start with just one and see if you like them. If you like your ornaments more shiny than natural-colored you can add glitter.

    6. PollyQ*

      I’ve found a lot of cute ornaments at Crate & Barrel, although they’re a little pricey when they’re not on sale.

      A nice way to fill in a tree that seems too sparsely decorated is to cut lengths of curling ribbon in various colors, curl them, then tie them on the branches.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I started buying myself a couple of glass ornaments every year just for the fun of it. I don’t have kids or pets to worry about if they break and they have been fairly inexpensive at a local chain store. I also have a few I’ve bought on trips near the holidays and some old fashioned ones that were my grandma’s. It can be fun to build up a collection even if they don’t have a special meaning.

      But also, Pinterest will have a million ideas. I’m fortunate to have a ready supply of interesting seasonal vegetation in my neighbourhood so a couple of years I’ve made garlands of ivy and suchlike.

    8. Wehaf*

      I’ve gotten lots of great stuff, often brand new, at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity stores; I imagine other thrift stores (Salvation Army, St. Vincent de Paul, etc.) would be similar.

      Are you thinking about things like greenery swags, holiday wreaths, festive linens, seasonal decorative objects to put on a mantel? Do you have a specific aesthetic you are going for (sparkly, nature-themed, rustic)?

    9. Aphrodite*

      Definitely thrift stores but focus primarily on the higher-end ones if you can. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wade through a lot of generic stuff but nice things can be found. And more things to wade through often means a waste of time.

      Also, I used to find some really lovely items among the generic at Pier One, now, sadly, gone. You might also watch CraigsList. I subscribe to many online stores emails, which I ignore most of the year, just to see the holiday items that are just beginning to show. I don’t know if many of these stores are being conservative with their offerings this year because of COVID but I generally look at these (listed in no particular order):

      Overstock
      Etsy (especially good if you like vintage)
      Balsam Hill
      Viva Terra
      Paper Lantern
      Horchow/Neiman Marcus
      Frontgate
      West Elm
      Wayfair
      Ballard Designs
      Grandin Road
      Pottery Barn
      Variou museum stores (Smithsonian, MoMA, etc.)
      Various public library stores
      Various zoos
      Jolly Christmas Shop
      World Market
      Anthropologie
      Global Handmade Hope (fair trade)
      Target
      John Derian
      Erzgebirge-Palace (German-made ornaments)
      The Met Store
      Park City Museum
      One Kings Lane
      SilverandPewterGifts.com
      Scully and Scully
      Department stores: Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, Bloomingdale’s, etc.
      Unicef
      Old. World Christmas
      Crate and Barrel
      ChristmasTraditions.com

    11. Dancing Otter*

      You can make garlands with popcorn and cranberries. Well, and needle and thread. Not expensive, very traditional/old-fashioned, family friendly, and edible after the holidays, so no storage required. (Or simply discard, if it’s gotten too stale to eat.)
      You don’t mention children or pets. Maybe check whether cranberries are safe for your critters, if they were to chew them; obviously, they’re nontoxic for most humans.
      Garlands can also be made from interlocking loops of construction paper (stock up on tape), which is a fun project for children too young to be trusted with a needle.

      Building on another suggestion, take stick cinnamon and tie little bundles with ribbon or colored string. Hang on the tree by the string or tuck into garlands, wreaths or table decorations. Smells nice, and the cinnamon can be used to make syrup afterwards.

      Estate and moving sales frequently have lots of holiday decorations, in addition to the thrift store suggestions, even artificial Christmas trees.

    12. it's all good*

      Try an ISO on your local FB Buy Nothing Group. I’ve seen many new and like new Christmas decorations.

  82. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Swatch beginners thread. With all these posts about knitting & crochet, it’s pretty clear that the seasons are shifting in the northern hemisphere.
    Do you have suggestions for resources that have clear labelled photos instead of videos?
    Do you have tricks you learned the hard way that aren’t obvious to a self-taught beginner?
    I’ll comment back to this to keep it easy on people scrolling past.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      So I stalled out after knitting my first swatch earlier this summer becaue I couldn’t figure out how to mark & count the stitches. My local group (briefly on zoom, now on hiatus) sent me to Amy Herzog Designs which looks like it will be very helpful if I get past the total novice stage. And I could hardly figure out how to count the stitches. I finally found talenawinters dot com slash making-a-gauge-swatch, which highlights one row of each on a clear photo. So I was going to grit my teeth, baste in a square to count along, and start calculating. Annnnd…. I learned something the hard way.
      I don’t know which is the top of my swatch anymore. It makes a difference because my knitting changed in the middle. I don’t know if I started loose and got tight, or vice-versa. Since I didn’t mark the bottom, I have no way to know which side to measure and should probably to do this over.
      Is there another way??

      1. All the cats 4 me*

        You should be able to find your last knitted stitch (ie the last stitch in the last row knitted) fairly easily. Both the first stitch and the last stitch should have a tail of yarn – assuming you did not weave in the ends.

        The yarn tail from your last stitch can be ‘unlooped or pulled out’ and when you pull on it, all the previous stitches will rip out (ie unknit themselves).

        The yarn tail from your first stitch, simply won’t undo, and if you somehow pick it open, the knitting stitches will not unravel if you pull on the yarn tail.

        If you HAVE woven in the ends, and don’t want to unpick the woven in ends in order to use this method, then it will be possible to tell which end of the swatch is the start/end by looking at the shape of the stitches. If you are inexperienced and don’t yet know how to ‘read’ your knitting, I would suggest starting another swatch, hopefully in the same yarn with the same needle size. When you get to enough rows that you can see the stitch structure, compare your first swatch with the second swatch (while still on the needles).

        I also highly recommend joining Ravelry dot com, a free fibre arts community with many many groups for all interests and skill levels, where I am sure you can connect with multiple groups who can assist you much better than I can!

        All the best! Enjoy your fibre journey!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          WOO HOO the stitching is so much more even at the top than the bottom…but I’m off to make another swatch because I do not have 4 inches of the way my knitting stabilized. :D
          I joined ravelry… I’m one of the people in the UN-raveling group. :D

          1. All the cats 4 me*

            Great!

            I find consistency in tension to be my biggest challenge, but I keep knitting!

            Washing & drying your swatch (using the same method as you’ll use for the finished object) can make a difference in your gauge as well, especially if you are using cotton, wool, etc. The knitting also tends to look much more ‘even’ after laundering (in both synthetic and natural fibres), so if the final dimensions are important/critical (like making a fitted garment) I would suggest washing and drying your swatch before counting.

            I would think you could run a contrasting color sewing thread vertically (flip it back and forth from the front to the back of the knitting in between stitches as you reach that stitch) ever so many stitches as you knit the swatch, then when you measure your 4 inch square it should be fairly easy to count blocks of 5 or 10 stitches.

            I haven’t actually done that, though, I only knit flat things like rugs, blankets and dishcloths, so if it turns out a bit bigger or smaller than I was expecting I just call it a ‘design feature”, LOL.

  83. Dr. Doll*

    Since my beloved crossfit gym closed, my fitness has disintegrated. I don’t exercise by myself *at all* or at home, I really need the group and a separate environment.

    Do you all think it would be okay to post on my local Facebook “Buy Nothing” group and see if anyone would be up for outdoor, spatially distant, small group (3-5), *masked*, 45-minute no-equipment workouts?

    We live in an area with very mild weather so it’s possible to keep going into the winter months with this.

    What concerns would you all have if you saw this suggested by a neighbor?

    1. Aphrodite*

      I’d definitely be up for this! Maybe you can also post it on your local NextDoor if you have one.

    2. Reba*

      I think a lot of people would be into this!

      Are you just looking for workout buddies, or were you thinking you would organize a class with a trainer or something?

      the Yoga studio I used to frequent has started offering outdoor classes in parks. I haven’t been, but it honestly sounds appealing and I definitely think there’s a hunger for this kind of offering. According to their emails, everyone brings everything they need, 6 ft distance and they ask people to either wear masks, or keep twice as far apart if they don’t choose to wear a mask. I’ve also been seeing small group training classes in my local park that look like bootcamp-type exercise.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Absolutely fine!! Great idea. My husband is currently practicing his martial art, masked, in the park with friends. You could also see if your gym or any others are offering Zoom group classes.

    4. Parenthetically*

      This is a great idea. I wouldn’t have any concerns at all, and I wish there were more groups like this!

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My neighbors currently have a forty-odd person party going across the way, taking up all the parking and setting off fireworks and nary a mask in sight. So I sure wouldn’t be hanging out with them to do anything. But if your neighborhood is being sensible and not stupid for the most part, I think you’d be okay!

  84. Bibliovore*

    Thanks for all the fabulous soft food/cold soup recommendations.
    Thanks especially for whoever suggested gazpacho.
    I ended up with fabulous CSA haul of cucumbers, peppers, and tomatoes. I used the Mark Bitman How to Cook Everything recipe.
    The gazpacho came out super delicious and a wonderful change from bowl after bowl of congee.
    Really feeling on the road to recovery.

    2. Aphrodite*

      I’m the gazpacho recommender. I’m glad you like it. I wish I could live on gazpacho alone all summer. (And if you google gazpacho hundreds of recipes will come up.)

      1. c-*

        My family does live on gazpacho alone all summer, it’s great for hot weather!
        I’ll leave my family recipe below in case anyone’d like to try it:

        For a boatload of gazpacho (6-7L approx.):
        – 2,5-3 kg ripe good quality tomatoes (the riper the better: if they are so ripe they are about to spoil, that’s ideal. If you can pick them from your garden or buy them from a local farmer, all the better)
        – 1 golden apple
        – 2 green peppers
        – 1 big white onion
        – 1 medium cucumber
        – 1 chunk old dry bread, can be gluten-free
        – 4 small cloves of garlic, or more to taste
        – 2 glasses extra-virgin olive oil
        – 1/5 glass white vinegar
        – water as needed (1-1,5L approx.)
        – salt to taste (at least 2 tablespoons)
        – 2 big pots (8+L each)
        – a hand mixer
        – a really good turbo mixer for smooth results
        – enough mason jars
        – enough room in your fridge
        (The apple will soften the flavor, you can skip it if you really want a strong onion-pepper-garlic taste, but I don’t recommend it).

        1. Clean and chop your veggies. Place in a big container (8L+, so you have enough room) with all their juice. Tomatoes don’t need to be peeled.
        2. Soak the bread and break it apart. Toss it into the container.
        3. Add the rest of the ingredients save the water.
        4. Add enough water to mix, but not enough to cover your veggies.
        5. Mix gazpacho with a hand mixer till roughly homogeneous.
        6. Transfer by batches to good turbo mixer till smooth, then add finished batches to another big container (if your hand mixer is good enough, you can skip this step).
        7. When all batches are done, mix finished gazpacho together, correct salt and vinegar to taste, and store refrigerated in closed mason jars. Will keep for 10-14 days in fridge, but doesn’t freeze well.

  85. Bibliovore*

    Appliance recommendation request.
    Thinking about a convection toaster over for fast meals, oven/air frying . Your thoughts? Too pricey for what it does?

    1. BRR*

      I have the instant brand Omni plus and love it. It’s basically a second oven and since my big oven isnt convection, it’s nice having a convection for some stuff. It heats quickly and doesn’t heat the kitchen as much as my full oven. It was also cheaper than the breville, which would have been my preferred choice but a lot more money.

      The downsides are It only bakes convection which sometimes feels limiting and the button labels started wearing off even though I wasn’t wiping that area but instant sent me a new oven without having to send back my old one.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Glacially slow, like all toaster ovens. But it toasts evenly and consistently. Before this I had cheapie Black and Decker toaster ovens so this was a huge step up.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        I have the breville too. I do have a regular toaster (a Hobbs). LOVE the Breville for everything else (haven’t used it for toast, sorry). It does a wonderful job of fish (baked salmon, for example) and anything I put in it. Seldom use the big oven unless I’m doing a bulk-job.

        I think AAM has one – I got mine about 18 months ago after a discussion like this, on here. Best purchase of 2019.

    3. Gatomon*

      Yes! I have a Black and Decker one, I think I spent a little over $100 on a few years ago. I honestly never use the oven anymore. It’s so much faster and easier. Mine fits up to 13”x9” pans for the most part, which makes it extra useful.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We got a multi-function Cosori early in the summer and it was a lifesaver during the heat wave. We set it up outside under cover so we did NOT have give up oven cooking while it was too hot for hte airconditioner to keep up. Successes: oven fries, all sorts of potatoes & vegetables, homemade bread & pizza, cake, breakfast egg cups (eggs + ham & onion baked in silicon muffin cups), bacon.
      Not success: Popcorn. We haven’t experimented with meat & fish because we also have a grill — and the airfrier looks a lot trickier to keep clean.
      For some reason I have trouble getting the function buttons to work, but my husband’s great with it.
      And it has a bread-proofing setting that doesn’t overheat the dough.

  86. Captain dddd-cccc-ddWdd (ENTP)*

    I’m conscious it might get buried due to the amount of comments already, but I’m looking for resources and sources to learn how to write “better”. In particular,
    – concisely
    – with a unique and lively style
    – appropriate for a blog with “technical” articles that could range from basic (“I googled this in a panic and need something to follow” audience) to “nuanced and technically authoritative”.

    I struggle with being too verbose, saying things like “etc”, and going off on tangents about multiple possibilities and things that occur to me.

    1. Reba*

      It sounds like you could use help with self-editing. I’m a great user of parentheticals and qualifiers and tangents, myself. I’m really big on the em-dash parenthetical, too. It’s great that you can see and identify these habits in your writing already! I’d look for resources on editing writing and see if you find anything that sounds like it’s on the right track.

      I benefit from a revising checklist that reminds me to look for fluffy filler, waffling and uncertainty (except where it’s warranted!). On the front end, do you find that outlining or mapping helps you keep to the intended points when you write?

      Reading your text aloud is a great technique to check for voice, sentence length, clarity and flow.

    2. university minion*

      Find samples of writing you like and use them as a template! You don’t need to reinvent the wheel and doing this is very normal when you’re documenting processes.

    3. Scribble*

      Please do yourself a favor and buy, and read, these two books. They are classics still relevant to today’s writers and audiences.
      The Elements of Style, 4th edition, by Strunk and White; a very short book with a big punch.
      On Writing Well by Wm. Zinsser.

      Once you have read and mastered the material in these books, you can begin to add do-dads and furbelows in measured amounts.

    4. Generic Name*

      The latest version of Word actually has some pretty decent style suggestions. For example, it will flag phrases like “in order to” and suggest the more concise “to”. Grammarly is an app you can download that does the same thing.

      I agree with the suggestion to heavily edit your own work. A rule of thumb I give to new tech writers at my company is that if a sentence spans 2 or 3 lines, it might be too long and consider separating it into several sentences. Look for sentences with a bunch of conjunctions and independent clauses, as that can signal an overly complex sentence.

      Read lots of Hemingway to get used to brevity and unadorned prose. :)

    5. RagingADHD*

      Write an outline. Plan your structure very thoroughly. If it’s informative, get your headings and subheadings worked out. If it’s story-style, work out your hook and your reversal.

      This will keep you from rambling.

      You may need to word-vomit a first draft in order to discover what you really think, and what you want to say. That’s fine, just don’t leave it like that.

      Good writing comes from a) clear thinking, and b) rewriting.

  87. Menopause Sucks. Please help.*

    Facial hair removal tips?? So embarrassed. I look like the bearded lady. I can’t do waxing, I have very sensitive skin, most any friction or chemical thing will result in a rash and a lot of pain. I was JUST about to go to one of those laser hair removal places when Covid struck. help!

    1. Jessi*

      Threading?

      The lady uses a thread of cotton (like for sewing) and catches the hair and it pulls out. I too have skin way too sensitive for waxing and while threading stings, my skin doesn’t rash up like with waxing

        1. Summersun*

          Threading is ridiculously easy to do yourself. If you own a spool of thread, you can do it. I’ve been doing my own upper lip for years.

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Masks will cover most of it. Other than that, try a tria home laser device. Pro Tip: use ice to numb the skin first.

    3. Eeeek*

      There’s something called sugaring that is suppose to be more gentle. Or I can’t remember the name of it where they basically scrape off your face with what looks like an exacto knife? If you described it that way to a spa they would know what you mean. Often laser hair removal places provide some medical services so I’m sure you could find one that’s declared itself essential and is operational? Micro planing?? Maybe it’s called that??

  88. Menopause Sucks again.*

    p.s. I’d even be willing to try an electric shaver but husband would know and I would die of embarrassment.

    1. Menopause Sucks again.*

      Sorry, duh on the nesting thing. I should have put this as a reply to my original post, under Menopause Sucks. Please help.

    2. It really does!*

      No recs, but I’ve made my husband promise if I’m ever in a coma he’ll pluck all my mustache and neck hairs. Embrace the embarrassment and have a good laugh together.

    3. Dr. Doll*

      Aww, I totally get that. I don’t let my husband see me grooming my face and legs either. So, I make sure it’s my Private Bathroom Business, door closed and if I needed to I would lock it. Can you get a female shaver that’s pink or something, and doesn’t scream “shaver”, and keep it in a ditzy flowered bag or something that he won’t want to get into?

      1. Filosofickle*

        Seeing the shaver isn’t the only way to know, though! When I kiss my mom’s cheek I can tell she’s now shaving parts of her face. It’s not visually noticeable, but if I can feel it my Dad can, too. He knows ever better than I do what shaved skin / light stubble feels like. (Tho he does have a beard which might keep him from feeling her skin directly.)

        My mom gave me a tiny face shaver recently. Which I assume is a hint! It’s true that I’m often surprised by delightful chin/lip/neck hairs that sprouted when I wasn’t paying attention. Ah, middle age.

    4. Trimmer*

      Look for something labeled bikini line trimmer. It’s small and delicate enough to use on the face, with the plausible deniability of the bikini line label.

  89. nep*

    Related to the knee pain thread above–First urgent care I visited on Friday was no help. I went to another today, because the pain on my left side was not subsiding and the spots multiplied. The health worker there suspected shingles straightaway; she said she recognises shingles and my rash and symptoms fit. (Skin along my left side sensitive, almost as if I have a sunburn.) I had never thought of shingles. Really hoping this is it and that the pain won’t be long-term, as I gather it is for some with shingles. Has anyone here had it? I’d be interested in hearing of people’s experiences.
    Thanks, all.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      If she suspected shingles, I hope she prescribed you something. I had shingles twice; it came back because I didn’t treat it quickly enough. Mine were very mild, but I took Valtrex and managed to kill it on the second try (getting it twice is not unheard of but not especially common).

      Mine was on my back. It was itchy and painful but Benadryl helped with the itch. I was very lucky; a girlfriend of mine got hers on her scalp and face, that was bad.

      I had no lingering effects except mild nerve pain. Very mild and eventually went away. I was 27 when I had shingles, though– I have heard it’s much worse when you’re older.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. Yes–she prescribed Valtrex. Took the first dose right when I picked it up. I’m hoping caught things early enough. Thanks for your insights/infos.

    2. Asenath*

      I think the receptionist at my doctor’s office had my shingles diagnosed over the phone! I called up saying something like “I’m getting this really weird painful rash…” She got me in to see the doctor the same day, the doctor gave me anti-virals (since I got in quickly enough after the symptoms appeared) and painkillers. I was miserable for a day or so, and although it took longer for the painful rash to disappear, I had no long term effects. I did get the vaccine as soon as I was eligible (I think you have to wait a year after having the disease), because although it’s unlikely to recur, sometimes it does and I don’t want that to happen. My rash was along the back of my shoulder and along my arm. Apparently if follows the path of whichever nerve its afflicting.

      It is possible, although uncommon, for someone with shingles to give someone chicken pox. My doctor warned me, but I already knew since someone I knew got chicken pox that way. They might have been vaccinated for chicken pox as a child, but if so, it had worn off.

      1. nep*

        Thanks. How interesting.
        Yes–I’ve now read that were someone to fall ill from contact w shingles rash, it would manifest as chickenpox if they hadn’t yet had them.
        Funny thing is I do not recall having chickenpox as a kid; had measles and mumps. But who knows–I do remember classmates having it. Did I have it and not recall? Or did I have a mild form? Anyway, my understanding is shingles appears only in those who have had chickenpox.
        Thanks for sharing your experience.

        1. Asenath*

          I think you’re quite right that if you have shingles, you must have had chicken pox. I had most of the childhood diseases that there weren’t vaccines for, and some, like measles and mumps, I remember. But others I don’t, although they must have included chicken pox. My mother wasn’t much help because she forgot which child had which rash-producing disease. The person I mentioned is younger than I am, but maybe not young enough to have been vaccinated against chicken pox as a child and also didn’t catch it. Or, as I said, the vaccine could have worn off. And at the time I had shingles, I had just paid one of my regular visits to someone who was in very fragile health. My doctor insisted I tell her and her family that I’d been contagious when I visited, which I did, but she did not catch chicken pox. I felt terrible, but until the rash appeared, I didn’t know there was a risk.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            One PSA for anyone getting themselves or their kids vaccinated for shingles/chicken pox: it’s an ATTENUATED virus. So please keep the vaccinated person away from people who are immune-compromised.
            (Source: we have a transplant recipient in the family so we specifically ask the Dr this about any vaccine.)

    3. OyHiOh*

      I had it on my back and ribcage. The outbreak basically followed one nerve from my spine to chest. Bras were especially “fun” for a few weeks. I didn’t realize I had something that needed to be seen until it was too late for anti vitals to work so I had to ride it out.

      Mine was painful, with deep muscle pain to accompany the painful rash. It’s been 18 months since it fully healed and the worst leison sites still cause pain occasionally, usually responsive to hormonal fluctuations. I don’t think I have any scars now – for a long time, it looked like a cat dipped her toes in purple paint and walked across my back.

    4. Voluptuousfire*

      I had shingles 10 years ago at 29. I don’t recall having any lingering pain but the meds they gave me (wasn’t Valtrex, but I think an anti-fungal) cleared it up and Sarna, a lotion with lidocaine helped with the pain.

  90. IntoTheSarchasm*

    I believe they are the same viral family, as is mono and those horrible mouth ulcers. Had chicken pox at 13, mono at 19 and shortly after mono diagnosis got a mouth full of those ulcers. MISERABLE. I only get one now if I am very run down. Of course, shingles at age 54 but not too bad.

  91. Sue Lam*

    Radar’s Glasses
    We’re staying indoors to avoid Bay Area smoke and bad air from California’s forest fires. We retreated to happier times when MTV and Friday Night Videos showed 80s cool videos. My favorites had humor, good story lines, and best of all, good music. Such as: Huey Lewis and the News (I Want a New Drug; Heart and Soul), Bangles (Maniac Monday; If She Knew What She Wants), GoGos (all of them), early Madonna (Material Girl; Borderline), Cyndi Lauper, etc. and Prince. Also popular were songs from movies. For example: Ghostbusters, Flash Dance (Maniac, Theme from FD), Footloose (Let’s Hear It for the Boy), Beverly Hill Cop (The Heat is On; Jump). (Many of these can be found on YouTube or the performers’ websites)
    What strikes your fancy?

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