weekend open thread – October 3-4, 2020

by Alison Green on October 3, 2020

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Modern Love, Revised and Updated: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption. This is a compilation of essays from the New York Time’s Modern Love column, and it is excellent for nights when you need something that will take you exactly 10 minutes to read before you fall asleep.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

You may also like:
{ 1,139 comments }

{ 1,139 comments… read them below }

  1. Aphrodite*

    What are you doing to save money in these COVID days?

    I would be interested in sharing and hearing about how other people here have changed their approach to finances now and if they have changed. Are you trying to save more money? If so, how are you doing it in big and small ways? Do you feel more of a sense of fear even if your job is stable? Does that affect your financial thinking?

    I am tending to save as much as I can. There may be some fear there but my job in higher education is secure. I also get social security, though not as much as I would like due to foolish choices and decisions when. I was younger. (I didn’t really get smart until relatively recently and am trying to make up for it.) Stll, I bank my entire social security amount each month by building up my general savings, my emergency fund, my CDs and my money market fund. Every penny from a recent inheritance (of a decent but not rich sum) went into that money market account. I set aside a minimum of $200 per month out of my paycheck and it goes directly into savings. I am aiming to ultimately put $1500 per month into savings. I also paid off the last of my debt about six months ago.

    I find it easy to not spend on anything frivilous. My cats are older (18+) so are on medications so that is necessary. I also had an emergency this week with one but thankfully I had the money in the emergency fund.

    I don’t do things like cut laundry detergent in half but I do cut open my toothpaste tubes to get every last bit out. Since March I’ve not been out to eat at all and by this point I don’t really miss it. I never learned to like coffee so that’s never been an issue, and I am not a fan of fast food. (Potato chips are a weakness, however.)

    I also love to browse online, and formerly in stores, during the holiday season. But regardless of time of year, I never buy unless it’s a need. I bookmark items I want to buy and find that many of them are so easy to let go of when I’ve looked at them repeatedly. One lovely but unnecessary item I did buy last week was a silver mercury pumpkin for $78 that I had bookmarked for three years—and because I still loved it as much as I did when I first saw it I succumbed. I rarely buy shoes and those and clothes are all thrift store items that look perfect. Underwear and bras are new of course but having been at home for so long the latter are goimg to last me for much, much longer than normal.

    I refuse to join Costco because I won’t spend the annual fee—I’d have to spend considerably more than. I want to, to even begin to make that up—and because we have a former restaurant store that became a regular grocery that carries oversized everything at near the same price with no fee.

    I no longer color my hair; silver is in and that saves me $90 every month!

    But what gives me the most pleasure is seeing my savings amount go up every month. I seem to be getting as addicted to that as I used to be to other things.

    So I want to hear about you. How has COVID changed you, your finances and attitudes, and your financial practices? Do you like the changes? Are you fearful, unemployed and scared, or ???

    1. Jackalope*

      I’m finding it’s harder not to spend sometimes. I have fewer things that bring me unalloyed pleasure, and normally I don’t do retail therapy but there’s something fun in having packages show up and since I’m working from home I can actually get my packages. I’ve also purchased more books since the libraries were closed in my area for so long. On the other hand, we go out less and don’t do things like plays and movies so it may balance out.

      (I hear you on the Costco. I found the opposite – I have ONE thing that if I buy a membership and buy just this one thing there a couple of times a year I save about $200, so I get that thing and it’s worth it. But before I started using this product the membership was never worth it to me.)

      1. Anonymous*

        This. I don’t spend a lot on going out anymore, but things! Nice tea to drink at home!

        I know you can borrow ebooks these days, but where I live that doesn’t seem to exist/I prefer to read in English over the local language and that’s hard to come by, so I have to buy ebooks if I want them. Luckily I have a bunch I got on sale.

    2. Job Carousel*

      My situation’s a bit different from yours in that I’m in my early 30s and expect to see my income take a big jump in the next few years, but I’ve always considered myself a frugal person. Here are some of the tips that have worked for me:

      – I’ve couponed for the last ~11 years, first out of necessity (making $20K/year for most of my 20s in grad school), and then continued it even after my income went up. Back in the late ’00s you could get a lot of stuff – particularly toiletries like toothpaste, shampoo, and the like – for “free” after reward coupons at drugstores in the US like CVS and Walgreens. Nowadays I take advantage of store’s promotional offers (digital coupons, buy more save more offers, etc.) or manufacturer’s coupons (from the newspaper, printed from the internet, or digital), and combine them with mobile app rebate deals, etc., and can still get a fair number of items for free or cheap. For instance, my local Kroger (American grocery store chain) affiliate frequently runs a deal where certain toothpaste brands are priced at around $3 with $1 off if you buy 5 or more participating items (anything throughout the store), and there are frequently digital coupons on my store loyalty account for $4 off 2 tubes of that brand of toothpaste at the same time. Thus, I get toothpaste for practically free, only paying tax.

      – I do eat a lot healthier these days, and it’s hard to find coupon deals on fresh produce and other healthy, unprocessed foods. So for those things I actually do shop Costco, and meal prep on the weekends so that I can use everything I buy in bulk. Things like buying a 2 lb container of organic baby spinach every week or so — at Costco it’s $4, vs. $6+ at my local grocery stores — do add up to savings over time that I think justify the membership cost. But if the stores in your area sell the same items for the same price or cheaper (per relative size), that’s awesome!

      – I have a cat who needs daily medication too, for what looks like the foreseeable future. My local vet was charing me about $1 per pill of the generic medicine, but I found I could order the correct dose of the same generic medication online for ~$0.30 pill. That’s a cost savings of ~$21/month. I also take advantage of cat food sales when I can. My cats eat a mix of dry and wet food of a pretty pricey brand (because of my other cat’s health issues). Their dry food went on sale for buy one, get one free at my local grocery store this past week, so combined with manufacturer’s coupons on the non-free bags, I saved a ton. For wet food, I buy in bulk online since that means a cheaper price per can.

      – I’ve also sold items on Ebay. I’ve made a few hundred dollars this year selling gift-with-purchase sample sized items from my beauty purchases that I don’t need or use. Instead of selling the items piecemeal, I usually wait until I have a handful of items from the same brand, and then list them for $10 minimum with free shipping, so I make a couple bucks after shipping, packaging materials, and commission.

      – This’ll make me money in the long-term, but it’s a hassle – I recently switched my primary bank for my savings and checking account to one that offers a much more competitive interest rate (even on a checking account!) than what my old bank was offering. I honestly should have made this change years ago, but inertia…

      – My long term investment strategy is index funds, with mostly stocks since I’m younger and plan to keep those investments for decades to come. One thing my parents who are retired do is invest in CDs with 1-2 year terms, since stocks can be volatile and the CD rate of return is often better than the bond market rate of return if you shop around.

      – I do online shop a fair bit, and I usually make purchases through cashback sites that offer X% back on what you purchased. Occasionally I’ve lucked out and have been able to combine a credit card rebate offer with a store coupon code and a cashback site offer to get substantial savings — like a new bed comforter set I bought last year to replace an old, worn-out one. Regular price $100 plus $5 tax (free shipping), -$25 store coupon code, -$11 cashback thru Rakuten, -$25 cashback thru my credit card — so about $44 out of pocket once all rebates were credited. I also always look for coupon codes when shopping online, even if that means signing up for the retailer’s email list to get the coupon code (and unsubscribing afterwards if I don’t think I’ll shop there again).

      – This is more of a psychological hack and won’t work for everyone, but I tie my luxury/splurge purchases to incentives I have to accomplish in order to earn that money, sort of like an allowance for good behavior. For instance, if my goal is to exercise 24/31 days this month, I’ll reward myself not for meeting that goal but for exceeding it — i.e., $10 if I exercise one extra day, $20 if I exercise two extra days, etc. (though I do take several days off exercise no matter what each month, to let my body rest). I purposely make it hard to “earn” the money, so that it takes real, consistent effort and discipline to do. For me, my luxury/splurge purchases are things like nail polish, going out to eat by myself, and cute decor for my home.

      1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

        I’m very relaxed financially in that I could afford to retire immediately (at 56) if needed, cutting down on some luxuries, although I do not plan to stop working anytime soon.
        I save tons of money by not eating out much any more, cooking my own healthy lunch, driving very little (cycling to the office the few times I actually go there) and not taking the family cruise that was planned but cancelled by the cruise line.
        I do spend more on home improvements by finally getting to having work done; the last years were too much laden with travel for that. Just now I’m sourcing contractors for a major bathroom redesign.

        1. Kuddel Daddeldu*

          I also cut the little hair I’ve got left; buzz cuts are easy to do!
          Getting used in good times to a comfortable but fairly frugal lifestyle, not racking up debt for non-essentials, of course serves well in a crisis. My company had a global pay cut that was quite noticeable but has weathered the various shutdowns fairly well; we are hindered a lot by travel restrictions.

    3. Anonymous*

      Not so much saving money as making some; we’re selling a lot of unnecessary possessions on e-Bay with the aim of saving up for a very expensive overseas holiday in 2022, and have made a very solid start.

    4. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      At the beginning of the pandemic when a lot of people were losing jobs, we took out a big loan so we’d have cash on hand. Our jobs are all secure, but our childcare expenses have skyrocketed—100% remote schooling for a kindergartener is effectively homeschooling, and the math works out better for hiring full-time childcare so we can work than for one of us quitting to homeschool—and the loan is paying for that. This was supposed to be the year that our kid started public school and we could clear out the debt we accrued paying for daycare. Oh well!

      For a while we were cooking a lot and our expenses were lower, but we’re back to ordering in because we’re too emotionally exhausted to cook. We’re definitely hitting that six-months-of-crisis slump. It’s hard. So I’m not pushing us to save money (other than what we saved by not taking our usual family vacation this summer). We’re kicking the can down the road financially, but honestly, that’s fine! We’re in a crisis and that’s a good time to invest in taking care of ourselves.

      1. Anonymous*

        I found that it was easy to save money during the quarantine, for the simple reason there was nothing to buy. My weekly treat was a magazine, and ready prepared meals from a very good caterer, with a few takeaways when my favourite local restaurant reopened. I realise I am very fortunate and others may not be so.

        Now restrictions are being lifted, I am spending more money, but not as much as before. My holiday plans for this year were cancelled, and the replacements were less expensive. I also tend to buy cheaper brands of toiletries and cosmetics, unless something is on special offer or I get a loyalty card voucher. I am a big fan of L’Occitane!

        Somebody uploaded an old British programme to Youtube called Superscrimpers. Some of the savings tips there are rather extreme!

      2. Ditto*

        Childcare expenses are what is killing our budget. We spend less. Than pre-COVID n nearly every other category (gas, entertainment, travel, etc) but a PT nanny to watch our two kids at home and help with virtual schooling costs double the expenses for a FT kid in daycare + aftercare for our school-aged child. Fortunately we can sustain the cost in the short-term but definitely not boosting our savings!

    5. Dottie*

      I was laid off in spring and coincidentally I’ve been saving up more aggressively since last fall because I paid off my credit card debt and was ready to quit my job anyway. I spent two years living comfortably with my fiancé (eating out, traveling, etc) and the pandemic forced us to be frugal again. My only income since Feb was severance and unemployment (the extra $600 really helped). Once a month I’ll get restaurant food delivery for a sense of normalcy, but otherwise I only pay for rent/groceries. I used to live paycheck to paycheck before this last job so I’m not too shaken by suddenly not spending.

    6. HannahMiss*

      I did very well at the beginning of lockdowns for saving. This year I was already on track for saving aggressively for a down payment on a house (just turned 30). I went on unemployment in April, and the extra $600 a week was putting me at nearly double my weekly pay. I intentionally saved as much as I could because tbh, it seemed likely that no additional help was coming and I wanted to shore up my own reserves. That cash is only in a savings account right now because I want it available in case of emergency, and right now the markets seem just a little too risky. Maybe after the election I’ll start moving into into some shorter term investments; my fear is that the day I finally decide to invest will be the day before everything crashes down.

      Early lockdown was easy for saving, because there was no where to go. I bought a few things for the house to make staying in more comfortable, but it was nothing compared to my usual out and about spending; work is so emotionally draining that even the thought of heating up frozen food is too much. This last month has been harder, as I’m now back at work and it’s been very stressful (most of my coworkers just got laid off and my roommates are anticipating the call). I’ve been spending a lot more on frivolous things and take-out because I don’t have the energy to control myself right now. It’s not at levels to be concerned for my financial stability, but spending hundreds of dollars on craft supplies when I no longer have the time to sit at home and my city is struggling is not a good decision. I figure while it’s not a healthy coping mechanism, it’s a not the worst coping mechanism I’ve considered. I am planning on getting back on track with a low-buy month for October.

    7. Rebecca Stewart*

      We’ve had some expenses. We bought a new house and sold the old and moved in July, and while overall that has helped with expenses (it’s a lower mortgage, for one thing) there have been things that we need at the new house but didn’t at the old, and those have to be bought. Room size rugs, for example; the old house had wall to wall carpeting, and this one has laminate downstairs and hardwood upstairs. A little space heater to tuck in the corner of the upstairs bathroom, because the house is 60 years old and it gets cold in there now that it’s not summer. Stuff like that. And that does add up.

      Also not helping is that I am losing weight. I’ve lost 48 pounds so far, and dropped five dress sizes, and at a certain point you just have to get smaller clothing. I’m hoping that I don’t have to get anything else this winter, and am very grateful that my coat is a wool cloak, but that cost us some money as well.

      And we’ve had some medical issues. One of us had to spend a weekend inpatient, so hospital bill, and that meant an extra trip to the psychiatrist and he is not cheap. (He’s good, though.) And therapy isn’t cheap either and two of the three of us need it, and the good therapist doesn’t take insurance.
      But long-term, we have good plans; Boyfriend will get a job eventually, and in the interim he’s writing a book. I have a novel on the back burner, and in 2021 I’ll be focusing on turning that into a book that can be published, and my girlfriend will get through school and start working, and we’ll have two incomes AND someone at home to manage things, and we’ll be in a pretty good situation. The books can only help.

    8. ThatGirl*

      We are saving more just from being home more – gas, tolls, gym memberships are all way down or gone. My husband’s car was paid off in March, and his student loans are on hold, so we’ve been putting that extra into savings. But I have to admit our jobs are fairly secure so we’re not going out of our way to cut other expenses. We are lucky to have enough in savings to cover basic expenses for most of a year if absolutely necessary.

    9. Not A Manager*

      We’ve always had a Costco membership and a Costco-affiliated cash back credit card. Between the savings upfront on Costco items and the cash back from both companies, it more than pays for itself.

      Specifically during pandemic, we’ve saved money like a lot of people by not eating out and by not traveling. When interest rates dropped in early March we refinanced our mortgage, which is saving us a lot in cash-flow and enables us to invest that money.

      Not especially to save money but more to keep myself mentally healthy, during lockdown I started making more of our food that we could have purchased packaged – muesli, yogurt, soft cheeses. It happens that especially on the cereal there are big savings. I’ve always baked our own bread, but during lockdown I got access to wholesale bulk products that I wouldn’t have in the past. Instead of paying at least $6 for 5 pounds of fancy bread flour, I got 50 pounds for $12. No other deals have been quite so spectacular, but so long as I will actually use up the things I bulk buy, the savings do add up.

      Sadly, we are also saving money on co-pays for things like physical therapy and the chiropractor, which we need but haven’t been doing. I’ve let my hair go silver, although I don’t know if that will be a permanent savings or not.

      1. Doc in a Box*

        In a typical year, Costco gas alone is worth the membership fee. It’s consistently 50 cents/gallon cheaper than anywhere else near me, and that works out to about $5-6/fill on the Tardis.

        This year, though, I’ve only filled up about five times since March. I am back in the clinic full-time now, as many of my patients struggled with telehealth, so I expect my gas spending for Q4 of this year will be more typical. Like everyone else, I’ve also saved a lot on restaurants and travel — that last one tends to be my splurge area, as I typically take 2-3 international trips a year.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been trying to not spend much at all on anything but groceries and necessities, although I have bought a few e-books now and then. I’m trying to reduce the drain on the money I will need to move. I have to color my hair because I’m job hunting. But I’ve been doing it myself with products from Sally Beauty.

      It helps that I really don’t have anywhere to put stuff. I’m going to have to put my foot down re Christmas. I don’t think it’s a good idea to have anyone come over here, and I really hope I’m not still here by then anyway.

    11. Overeducated*

      After the first 2.5 months of fully remote work, I got my boss to agree to 3 days a week of telework for at least our first year back in the office (we can only commit a year at a time under our employer policy). That was enough for me to be able to take on a brutal commute from a smaller city my spouse and I have been wanting to live in. We bought a small shabby house near the train station.

      So far it’s more spending than saving due to moving and associated costs, but our mortgage payment is $400/month lower than our rent in the larger city that rose every year, and by locking it in we feel more secure that our expenses will stay manageable if one of us loses a job. Not saving for a down payment means we can shovel more into retirement and college savings. Also, child care is $500-1000/month cheaper here, so that should add up in the 5 years before my youngest starts public school.

      Those are the big things. We were quite frugal before when it came to discretionary spending, so that hasn’t really changed.

    12. Girasol*

      We’re not saving for the sake of saving but we’re not spending much. Out here where deliveries are not the usual thing, our few delivery guys are running their feet off, and I imagine the Amazon warehouse people running their feet off too, so I try not to order stuff I don’t really need. We’re wearing out out our old clothes and mending them to last longer because who’s looking anyway? We’re avoiding food waste, not so much for morality’s sake or to save money but to save grocery trips so that there are fewer opportunities to pick up covid there. We’re making do with what home maintenance and landscape supplies we have so I don’t go to Home Depot. We cut our hair with the FlowBee to avoid hair care trips. Exercise is a bike and an old barbell/dumbbell set rather than the gym. (My husband is high risk so I’m avoiding contact with people for his sake.) So we’re not driving much and the vacation we’d budgeted for is cancelled. It’s not that we meant to save money but the necessity of the situation means we’re not using much. And really, we’d gotten a bit materialist, so the practice of doing more with less seems like a bit of a silver lining on the covid cloud.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      Since transitioning to WFH in March, I have spent much less money on things like gas, car maintenance, expensive work clothes & shoes, haircuts/hair color, and personal supplies like makeup, hairspray and the like because those are all things needed physically get to work or to maintain that “professional” appearance. I was always a lunch-packer, so no significant change in groceries or food, except maybe coffee. I had high-speed Internet pre-Covid, so no change there either, though it really would’ve been nice to receive a small stipend from my company to upgrade the speed. The 2-hours+ back a day saved on commuting has been wonderful.

      On the downside, I purchased my house 12 years ago, and things are wearing out or breaking. Last year it was a new roof, and this year the AC system and water heater died (I’ve saved money in case the furnace gives up the ghost this winter). I also re-decorated our office room with 2 big L-shaped desks for my husband and myself, purchased with refunded money after our London trip was cancelled in March. I’m so glad I did that! Otherwise, my back would be killing me, and it’s really made all the difference in my WFH comfort.

      1. Gatomon*

        Ahh, I lost my hot water tank in July, and that definitely stunk even though I anticipated it. It took 10 days to get a plumber in to replace it. The stimulus check really reduced the bite of that expense though. Now my biggest paranoia is my furnace, age 18. It’s started up fine for the winter though, so my fingers are crossed for yours!

    14. Anonymous*

      Doing laundry by hand. It started because going to the laundry room of a big building was pretty terrifying in March, but it’s also saving a lot of course. Also, we had no child care as long as possible – that saved a lot, but the amount of child care we’ll need this year will eat those savings and then some. We also saved some on food in the spring because we’d only buy fresh produce once in 3-4 weeks, but that’s probably not a good habit to keep long-term.

    15. Epiphyta*

      In December, our financial planner said “Election years are always messy, and we’ve been teetering on the edge of a recession for a while now – I’d like to pull your investments way back”. Took less of a bath from the markets than we would have otherwise, but it set the tone for the year.

      We kept our gym membership active until our county moved into Phase 2 and enough of the real muscleheads went back in to keep the place going, then suspended it for six months: it’s locally owned, and while we don’t want to see them go under, Spouse is in a high-risk group and we won’t be back until there’s a vaccine/effective treatment. My local yoga studio shifted to Zoom without too many problems and is offering daily classes; I bought a couple of props and some resistance bands, cleaned up an old NordicTrack and am using them all.

      Dropped the Costco membership to the basic level, as it’s a half hour’s drive and we’re in an apartment without a lot of storage; there are two grocery stores within walking distance. (Costco was useful for replacing bedding when all three of my sets of IKEA sheets self-destructed earlier this year.) The only debt we have is for our car, and we’re paying extra to get it cleared away. Any bit of extra cash that wanders through has gone into savings. I miss going out to eat, but like you I enjoy watching the number climb, especially since Spouse’s company has said they’ll be WFH until at least July of next year, with in-person meetings only a handful of times per month after that: in light of that, and not being able to afford to buy a home where we live, we’ve decided to move when our lease is up. Requirements at the moment include municipal fiber and no upstairs neighbours clog dancing at 10pm.

    16. Gatomon*

      The bulk of my savings (~$1k/month) is coming from money I would’ve put towards my student loans, both the required balance due and extra I was going to pay towards putting them down. Otherwise, I’m not saving much other than gas money. I didn’t eat out much before, and I didn’t enjoy going to the mall and shopping. I’m probably spending more than usual on things like furniture, video games and electronics, but I might have done so anyway since I received a solid raise this year.

      Long term, I’m just letting the student loans sit and wait since I don’t owe any payments, there’s no interest accruing and they are my only debt (aside from my mortgage). I’ll get back to paying them off in 2021, assuming there are no more extensions. I’m also pushing back my next car purchase by a few years, so I think I need to take it in for a service interval. It’s due for an oil change, a bath and the swap to winter tires. Even though I’ll minimize my driving this winter, it’s supposed to be a La Nina winter which means I’ll need them.

      I’m still afraid because it looks like there’s going to be some long-term economic damage, but I’m more terrified about the virus today than my finances tomorrow. I could probably eek out a year if I had no major catastrophes at this point, and with the way our housing market has skyrocketed, I’d probably be able to sell my house at least, even if I’d lose a little bit of cash.

    17. Me*

      We are less about saving and more about killing debt, simply because DH is planning on retiring soon. We are fine for his retirement income. We’ve never carried credit card debt, but I was sitting on two car payments last year, paying off one only to have DH decide he really wanted a new truck before he retired so we added a new truck loan in November.

      So this year, I’ve paid off my car loan (2 years into a 5 year loan), paid off the mortgage (despite low interest rates, we were down to practically nothing anyway) and am on track to pay the truck off by April. I expect DH will retire in mid summer next year.

      We aren’t spenders anyway, but the lack of opportunities to spend has made us evaluate home improvement projects for priority and figure out when we will be able to tackle each one. We will only pay in cash, so that tends to keep us from buying various bits of nothing.

      I do curbside pickup for weekly groceries which means I stick to a list. My grocery bill is down, and my takeout bill is down. I’m cooking a lot more but that’s ok.

      I haven’t bought any new clothes or shoes since the pandemic hit and that’s downright weird for me.

    18. MsChanandlerBong*

      I VERY loosely follow Dave Ramsey. I do not like his political views or the religious slant of his program, but I have made great strides taking what I can from it and ignoring the rest. One of my coworkers was in China in January, and she told me she thought COVID would come here and hurt the economy, so I immediately stopped making extra debt payments and went into what Ramsey calls “storm mode.” I socked away every penny beyond what I had to use to pay for bills and groceries. I did this from February through May. On May 6, my husband found out his employer would be closing permanently and he would be laid off. For once in our lives, we had a cushion. He didn’t have to the first low-paying job that came along simply because he had no choice–we had enough to live for about six months without his salary. Fortunately, he started a new job–which pays 30% more–by mid-June, so we didn’t have to do that.

      Second, paying off debt has been instrumental in weathering this storm. When he started his new job and everything looked pretty stable, I took a chunk of what we’d saved from Feb to May and used it to pay off all but two credit cards. I just paid off another credit card yesterday, so now I only have one card remaining. That’s hundreds of dollars in minimum payments I don’t have to make every month. We are going to focus on paying that off by the end of January (the balance is pretty large; I could possibly pay it off before the end of the year, but only if I took on a crazy amount of freelance work on top of my regular job). Then I have two medical debts left to pay, and then all we will have left is our student loans. The peace of mind from buckling down and working extra (freelancing for me, Postmates for him) and building up our savings has been immensely gratifying.

    19. Cendol*

      Sorry to hear about your cat emergency! I hope they’re feeling better.

      I can totally relate to the pleasure of seeing your savings increasing every month. I compared it to gold or potion hoarding in the RPGs I used to play—one becomes obsessed with maxing out the numbers. As far as COVID-spending goes, I’m one of the lucky ones who has so far kept their job, and, with transit and travel out of the picture for the foreseeable future, I’ve been saving more than usual. That is, until September, when I had a series of pet- and electronics-related emergencies that wiped out my checking account. While it did suck to have to dip into the savings hoard, I reminded myself that that’s what it was there for in the first place. (And, to be frank, my stinginess hurt me here: if I’d been willing to shell out earlier for a new laptop, I wouldn’t have been in such a bind when the old one crashed. I also wouldn’t be looking at buying a new smartphone and new winter coat all in one go!)

      Emotionally, things have been in flux for me (I am separated from my spouse by a closed border, increasingly concerned that even our marriage certificate and quarantine plan won’t be enough to reunite us, and every day it gets harder to be apart), so in the last few weeks I’ve definitely given in to stress and started eating my feelings with $30 takeout orders, at a moment when I should probably revert to my grad school habits of eating beans and rice. Whoops. It’s an odd feeling, being secure about the numbers in my bank account while being anxious about literally everything else.

      1. Epiphyta*

        Hey, Cendol,

        I don’t know if the border in question is the one between the US and Canada, or if you use FB, but the group “Faces of Advocacy/Advocacy for Reunification at the Canadian Border” was mentioned in an article in the Seattle Times on the 26th, and the couple interviewed said they found a lot of support and encouragement there – might be worth a look? I hope that the updated guidelines coming down on the 8th offer you some hope.

    20. OtterB*

      If anything, I think we’ve increased spending overall. Both my job and my husband’s seem to be secure (knock wood). My young adult daughter with intellectual disabilities has a part time minimum wage job; she was off from mid-March to mid-June but then started back to work. Since I began wfh I’m no longer spending $13/day for parking at the office and I am not eating lunch out or grabbing a latte from the coffee shop a couple of times a week, so that saves quite a bit. We do get carryout 3+ times a week, partly in support of local restaurants and partly because I’m lazy. But on the other hand, we’ve substantially increased our contributions to charitable and political causes since March. In addition to our own grocery bills going up since there are usually 3 of us eating lunch at home, we’ve increased our purchases for food pantry contributions (used to be a few cans/boxes a week, now it’s substantially more than that and including more expensive items like baby formula). Also contributing to organizations and the occasional GoFundMe supporting those who are hard-hit by the economic impact of COVID, and organizations we’d like have still standing when things improve (mostly arts organizations and recreational activities for adults with special needs). Plus $ to numerous political candidates and to causes like voter registration and news literacy.

    21. Quiet Liberal*

      I decided to go silver, too! My colorist, who was really fabulous, but refuses to wear a mask, lost my business when our state opened and I could see she didn’t give a rats a$$ about my concerns. The gray really doesn’t look too bad and now I match my husband.

    22. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Not having to pay commute costs has been massive and saved us the most money, even though I started going full time remote last year about this time due to health reasons. In addition to that, the lunches out, the clothes for work, going out on Fridays, etc, all swept into savings now. My gym membership was converted into a monthly payment on a new spin bike which I now use far more frequently and that, alongside some adjustable weights, is the gym now. Our rent went up because we moved to a MUCH nicer flat, but we also have a showpiece garden, quieter neighbors, and far more community here than where we were before, so in terms of mental health in these tough times its been worth the money.

      My job is secure and I will likely see a salary pop in the next six months, and partner is just coming off furlough (and is interviewing around) so we have been focused on paying off debt (due to be complete in March), using up/clearing out clothes and household goods, and working with what we have in the pantry. After the first three months honestly, we don’t even miss takeaway food anymore and I make our pizzas/tacos/enchiladas, etc. We’ve both stopped drinking and that’s saved quite a bit as well.

      I do spend a little bit on clothes – I bought a really nice raincoat so I can walk this winter when its wet, and I bought a few tops on sale this week that I can put on for more polished looking calls. We’ve also splurged a bit on nicer seafood/meat when we do eat it, and switched most vegetables to organic. I bought some hobby supplies for when it starts getting darker sooner, and partner needed a new laptop (his first in 7 years).

      Every month we put some money in savings, some in investments, some in retirement accounts. We need to buy a place to live soon but it depends on a lot of things – probably not until next year, however.

    23. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Incidentally you say you don’t cut laundry detergent in half – but there’s a really good chance you actually can/should. I use less than half what the package says and my clothes are perfectly clean. It’s super concentrated, and the formulations have gotten so much better.

      Otherwise, I am saving money because I’m working from home and generally not going anywhere. Not spending $200 a month on transit is nice, as well as the savings on gas. But I spent a ton this year (new roof, landscaping project, other house projects).

    24. Aza*

      We’re trying to save more money, just because there’s so much uncertainty. We both work in jobs that are safe for now but not necessarily ironclad.

      We got a boost at the beginning, since our daycare fees were vastly reduced for a few months. We’ve also been redirecting student loan money to savings. And some gas money saved by not commuting.

      We consolidated credit card balances to a zero interest card and are redirecting what we would have paid to savings. We can always pay the card out of savings later, but liquidity is more important at the moment for things like the mortgage, which can’t be put on a card.

      1. Aza*

        Not gonna lie, the stress of the past month or so is making it harder for me to save at our previous rate, but I’m still plodding.

    25. Rara Avis*

      We were barely making it in one of the most expensive cities in the country, and then my husband’s employer laid off 44% of the workforce. The whole industry is struggling, and he’s had one interview in 3 months. So we aren’t saving, but so far we’ve been able to avoid debt. Gas costs went down but groceries went up a lot — higher prices and more of us eating at home. (I got free lunch at work.) Our usual vacation is to visit family across the country, so we saved by not buying plane tickets.

    26. allathian*

      My biggest savings are that I don’t need to pay for my monthly commuter ticket now that I’m WFH for the foreseeable future. My employer’s said that they’re not going to schedule any meetings with mandatory in-person attendance until there’s a reliable and safe vaccine available. I’m also saving a lot by not buying Starbucks lattes every morning. My employer provides something they call coffee but it’s undrinkable, even for a caffeine addict like myself. These savings are, by and large, offset by our bigger groceries bill, though. I haven’t had a haircut since February, mainly because my stylist works in my office building, and I used to go every five or six weeks. I’m enjoying my longer hair, so I’m going to keep it, but some styling would be nice at some point. It’s not a huge priority for me, though.

    27. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I lost my job in March and went on UE so I saved aggressively. once baby was here, I relaxed a bit on eating out and buying cute stuff for her. Now that I lost my job again, I’m picking up small projects here and there and try to save as much as I can. Extremely difficult for a shopaholic like me who gets pleasure in shopping and buying new things.

    28. Momma Bear*

      I’ve always been a savvy shopper, so not much about that has changed. I am cautious vs fearful. I save the most on the outings I don’t go out on b/c there’s few places to go. We don’t eat out much. We don’t go to movies, etc. The kids don’t go anywhere so don’t need so many new clothes, shoes, or supplies. Etc.

  2. Germank106*

    Yay, I’m the first one to comment. I took a break from crocheting and finished Socks for the grandson. They’re pretty simple, but he absolutely refuses to take them off. Mom has to sneak in at night and peel them off his feet. I think I might have to make another pair. Hope everyone is well. Enjoy the weekend.

    1. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      This surprised me into a smile, thank you so much for sharing! It’s adorable that he didn’t want to take the socks off. I’m just starting a sweater for my toddler, I hope he like it half as much…

    3. Quiet Liberal*

      It looks like the cats are resting on some crochet work you’ve done, Alison. I did a little knitting many years ago, but never crochet. I love those colors and the stitch. Is that a test piece or did you make something for your furry friends?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        That’s a scarf I’m crocheting for my brother-in-law! And you can’t really see it, but a scarf I made for my husband is draped over Hank too.

  3. Completely anonymous*

    If you knew a secret about a family member that would really affect how they viewed themselves and their past, would you tell them? It’s easy to say “if they want to know, they’ll ask,” but what if they don’t know enough to ask?

    This isn’t the situation, but it’s like if one person had been adopted but didn’t know it. They mention in conversation things that feel weird from their childhood and their relationship with relatives, etc. and you know that a lot of it was because they were adopted, but no one told them. You’re not their parent, their parents are dead, but you see that their own lack of information is harming them. On the other hand, they have a narrative, it seems to mostly work for them, how can you upend that with a new narrative?

    I might post the actual situation in the comments, or I might not.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Since their parents are dead, I think you might send a note or an email and say,

      “You’ve mentioned several times that you wonder about X and Y from your childhood. There is actually some backstory there, that you were intentionally sheltered from as a child. I don’t want to intrude or upset you. But if you’d like to hear the whole story, I’m happy to talk about it whenever you want.”

      Then you leave it up to them.

      I had a cousin reach out to me with a similar offer about some family secrets (though hers did not affect me directly at all). The first time she mentioned it, she had a lot of stipulations about not repeating it to certain relatives, so I declined. I do not have the bandwidth to keep up with complex lines of who knows and who doesn’t know. If you don’t want it repeated, just don’t tell me.

      Later on, the situation changed and she reached out again without the stipulations, and I was happy to find out more about the family.

      1. Anonymous*

        “You’ve mentioned several times that you wonder about X and Y from your childhood. There is actually some backstory there, that you were intentionally sheltered from as a child. I don’t want to intrude or upset you. But if you’d like to hear the whole story, I’m happy to talk about it whenever you want.”
        This is a great approach.

      2. Southern Academic*

        So while this is a nice script, decide in advance whether your family member would respond well / handle well this amount of non-information.

        I do not appreciate not knowing stuff; it makes me more anxious than not. So even if I didn’t really want to know the final secret you had (that I was adopted or whatever), once you’ve said, “I know the truth, do you want me to tell it to you?” I would not be able to comfortably let that go. Honestly, I probably would not want to be told.

        Take your family member’s mindset into consideration in even broaching this.

        1. RagingADHD*

          OP said “the lack of information is harming them.”

          I don’t know what that’s referring to, but I think if someone is actively suffering or at serious risk (I’m thinking maybe some kind of medical history), there’s a moral obligation that outweighs the risk of them feeling uncomfortable.

          If there’s not any real potential harm, just misinformation, then that obligation doesn’t exist.

          1. Southern Academic*

            All I’m doing is providing a possible insight on the situation here. If somebody told me what the OP proposes to tell their family member, there would be no going back; I would be made more anxious and discouraged by not knowing.

            There are multiple kinds of harms, and it’s important to weigh possible insights in the balance. Since we don’t know more, all we can do is suggest our own possible reactions to the news.

    2. JobHunter*

      Yes.

      I have no specific advice on how to broach the topic, that will depend on your relationship with the person.

    3. Anonymous*

      This would depend on so many factors. The age of the person, whether the information had any chance of causing harm, how many people knew of it so that it might come out it an awkward way if I didn’t tell, how close my relationship was with the person, etc. It’s hard to say without knowing more about the story as some things might seem too fraught to disclose while others might seem more informational and harmless.

    4. totally anon for this*

      After my father passed away, I found a document that suggested a distant cousin may in fact be my half sibling.

      I burned the document and have done my best to forget it ever since. Every time I remember, I wish I’ve never found it.

      I have no desire to seek the truth in any way. I have serious mental health issues (multiple depressive episodes among others), and I know I don’t have the mental strength or mental fortitude to deal with the consequences of finding out the truth. It’s just going to be another way my life gets wrecked.

      Besides I don’t see what good would come from the truth. My mother and sister would be destroyed by the revelation. The cousin has already struggled with his parents’ divorce, and finding out that he isn’t, in fact, their biological child would be devastating.

      I don’t care about the truth. I care about our peace of mind. I spend a lot of time and effort to reach a place where I’m mentally stable and if not happy, at least content. I’m not going to let anything ruin it, if I can control it.

      If your family member is happy, and the weird memory and stuff isn’t a major concern for them, then let them be.

      1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

        My mother and uncle were contacted by their surprise half-sister some years ago after her 23andMe test turned up ancestry that didn’t match either of her parents, and her mother confessed to having an affair with my grandfather. It really shook our family up.

        I was personally glad to have the reminder that even the most supposedly sainted people can be flawed. My grandfather is venerated in our family, particularly for his dramatic and splendid romance with my grandmother, and I think trying to live up to the standard of that romance has been particularly hard for my mother and uncle, so… maybe if they’d learned about this affair much earlier, they would have been freed from having to try to achieve something impossible. But we learned about it many years after my grandfather’s death, and nothing really changed; my new “aunt” hasn’t become close to the family, and there were no inheritance or legal issues. I think some people in our family would say that learning about my grandfather’s affair was a net positive, and some would not.

        It sounds to me like you have very good and valid reasons for keeping that secret, and your own health comes first. But you might be surprised by what other people want to know, or would want to know, even if the truth is painful.

        1. totally anon for this*

          I’m glad that it went quite well with your family.

          It seems, though, that your grandfather was a decent man who made a mistake. I didn’t mention this, because I thought it would be too much, but my father was an abusive man, and many of my issues can be traced back to him. He wasn’t the kind of father someone would be happy to have, and frankly I was glad when he passed away. Tbh I just really want to forget I had a father at all.

          1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

            As the child of an emotionally abusive father, you have my complete sympathies.

      2. Anonymous*

        I burned the document
        I would say it belongs to your cousin, who has a right to know who he is. Maybe the knowledge would give him peace of mind. It might make things fall into place, including the divorce. Maybe he would feel liberated. Maybe it would be devastating, like any major shift, but not forever. You’ve made a lot of assumptions about the consequences, such as your mom and sibling having to know, and you’ve chosen for everyone, just like your father and whoever the mom is may have done.

          1. c-*

            Hey, you two, that’s not a kind thing to say at all. The poster made the best decision for them at that moment, and they’re the expert on their family situation. If they say that’s what was best for the circumstances, we should take their word for it. Judging other people’s families on the minuscule snapshot of an internet post is unnecessary, unhelpful, and unkind.

    5. AnonyMouse*

      I think you should dig more into why you want to tell them. Will this information really help this person have a happier and more fulfilled life? Or are you tempted to tell them more as a result of your own guilt or the burden of having this information? If you suspect it may be the latter, then you need to focus instead on dealing with your own feelings and coming to terms with taking this bit of information to the grave.

      No internet person can tell you what’s best. It depends on the information, yes. But it also depends so much on the person and how they will handle it. Will the information change the way they choose to live their life or will it just be another burden on the mind…

      For what it’s worth, I’ve been in this position before, and I chose to take it to the grave. The truth does more harm than good sometimes.

    6. Job Carousel*

      I’d be very careful with this information, particularly if it involves a false paternity/maternity situation like others have mentioned, where your relative has gone their whole life thinking their parent is X but it’s actually Y.

      On one hand, it’s valuable to know who your relatives are for health reasons (which is why healthcare providers always ask about family histories of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc), and some people might prefer to know the truth even if it hurts…

      But then it could totally shatter someone’s self image and cause a lot of harm.

      I think back to a memoir I read by Dani Shapiro called Inheritance. She had made a career as a writer, authoring several prior memoirs about her Jewish identity and family background. Then she took a consumer genetic test on a whim and was shocked to find out she wasn’t related to her relatives on her father’s side, which was her Jewish side that she identified with so strongly. It turns out her parents went to a shady fertility clinic in the 50s/60s that used other men’s sperm to augment or replace the infertile male client’s sperm. By the time Dani found this out, both of her parents had passed away, so she had no way of knowing whether they knew she wasn’t her dad’s biological daughter or not. It caused her so much anguish and made her question everything about herself.

    7. Biziki*

      Ooph, this is a tricky one, and something I’m debating as well within my own family.

      In my case, one of my parents and their siblings believe that their parent (my grandparent) “went to live with the nuns so [they] could go to school.” In my books, this sounds like residential school, but for the rest of my family, they just don’t see it that way.

      Once travel is something I feel okay doing again, I plan to go to Ottawa where the bulk of the residential school archives are, to see if I can learn more about where/when my grandparent attended school. If it turns out that my grandparent did indeed attend a known and clearly documented residential school, this would distress my family a great deal. (Google “residential school nutrition experiments” and you’ll find a CBC article that covers two of the schools my grandparent may have attended.)

      In my case, I may have to decide what information I share with my family, but I am willing to make the decision to risk gathering that knowledge for myself. I want to know, I want answers. Whether my family feels the same, I don’t know. So maybe it’s a bit more clear cut in my case, because I know what the benefit to myself would be – I value that knowledge and transparency and I don’t want my family history to be shrouded in shame.

      In your case, I wonder, what would be the benefit to you, to share this hidden knowledge? Are you curious about how they would respond? Would you feel a little bit like you could be proud of yourself for bringing them awareness? Does holding this secret make you feel uncomfortable and you think telling might make you feel better? I know these seem like really loaded questions, but the information you get when asking yourself this could maybe lead to some insight about where the benefits and losses of sharing this knowledge might fall.

      (I don’t know if I can post links here, but if I can and someone is wondering what residential school is, this 1 minute video sums it up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_tcCpKtoU0 )

      1. 2QS*

        Another Canadian here – this is awful and heartbreaking, but I would want to know as well, and stop second-guessing it from a distance. Thinking of you and your family.

      2. Pam*

        if it’ was a female grandparent, I would think that it was ‘go away to have a baby and give it up.’

        1. BetsCounts*

          That was exactly my first thought, but based on Biziki’s comment it seems as though it was more forced assimilation with possible side effects of human test subjects.

    8. Myrin*

      I think it depends on what the person in question is like and how they’d likely react to information like that – are they always calm and collected or rather prone to anxiety and fretting, for example – as well as the likely outcome – is their life going to change for the better with that information or is it actually going to make things worse?

      To go with your fictional situation, I’m personally pretty sure I’d like to know, mostly because I’m mentally stable and not easily swayed even by shocking things, but also because you say the lack of information is actually harming the person – if something was actively harming me and your revelation could make me feel better, I’d very much like you to clue me in! But that’s me, and really, like I said, it depends a lot on the person and what the actual situation is like.

      1. Anon for a minute*

        I agree that unless the information itself is essential, the deciding factor should be how it would affect the person – and maybe others. My maternal grandfather divorced my grandmother when my mother was little and was never heard from again. For a government form, I just needed the date he’d passed away, but in looking for that, I found that he’d remarried and had a new family and my mother has a half-brother she doesn’t know about.

        If it were just me, I’d contact him and say hello, I think we’re related. But my mother feels scarred by having grown up without a dad, and she’d be hurt to know that he had another family that he apparently didn’t abandon. Also, my mother can be quite a difficult and unpleasant person, and I’m not sure I should expose this innocent stranger to the fallout of all this. Which sounds awful, but it’s an actual consideration. Maybe I’m making the wrong call, but I’ve decided on the path that seems least hurtful to everyone.

    9. Sara*

      I wouldn’t.

      I found about a surprise half-brother after my dad died, and it’s done nothing but bring me and my family grief and heartache. I wish I didn’t know. It’s ruined so much.

    10. PX*

      I think it really depends on what you know about the person. Its really difficult because everyone is an individual, but even as you see in the comments, there’s a split between people who would want to know vs those who wouldnt.

      I would also think really hard about what your motivations are. Is this coming from a place of selfishness (I dont want to carry this alone) or paternalistic thinking (I know what will be best for them) or do you really truly think this information would improve this persons life in some way.

      For me, I’d want to know. I’m secure enough in myself that while it may put things in context, it wouldnt necessarily change my entire world view. But thats just me.

      1. allathian*

        Yes, me too. I’d definitely want to know, and if I learned later that a family member knew a secret about me or my family that affected me directly and didn’t tell me, it’d probably sour my relationship with that person forever.

    11. Catherine*

      In your shoes, I would be likely to tell the family member because I’ve had things that “felt weird” about various situations that really preyed on my mind and receiving the piece of context was generally helpful for me to understand that things weren’t my fault.

      That said, in your family member’s shoes, depending on the nature and caliber of the secret.. I would not, as the proverb goes, shoot the messenger. But I would probably look for ways to make anyone else who knowingly withheld that information from me absolutely miserable for having done so.

    12. Anonymous*

      We have an actual situation like this in our family. My aunt and her husband had a perfect love story. They met at university and were both very good looking people. Got married and had two kids. She talked and still talks about him like a God and would make many sarcastic comments about her sister’s husband (my dad) because their relationship was rocky.
      Then I found out a few years ago that my “perfect” uncle had taken a second wife. We are muslims and live in a muslim country and this is legal but unlike other countries it’s not common at all and when it happens, it’s usually behind the first wife’s back. So, my aunt doesn’t know. But the whole family does. And every time she talks about his amazingness, we all just side eye each other, trying not to react. And not just this, but he divorced the second woman and went on to marry another one. So, he had two relationships behind her back.
      I especially have to grit my teeth when she goes after my father. And that’s not the end of it. He emptied her bank account. He sucks at business and she kept bailing him out from her own money and now she has no money.
      Sometimes, I feel like I really want her to know. But what good will it do? It will break her heart. I don’t know what situation you are dealing with, but it’s definitely a hard decision to make.

      1. Anonymous*

        I hope your family is prepared for the fallout when she eventually finds out about this and that everyone else knew. Devastating. Poor woman.

        1. pancakes*

          Yes – it’s twice the heartbreak, if not somehow more. Not only is he doing this behind her back, the entire family is colluding with him to keep it from her.

          My biological father’s parents separated and his father ran off and had a second family that only came to light after his death. I can’t quite imagine not wanting to know about that sort of thing, nor taking it upon myself to help hide it. In many of these scenarios the impulse to do so seems to be just as much about sparing oneself an awkward conversation as it is about a paternalistic sense of trying to protect the other person from seeing their own family for what it is.

      2. Filosofickle*

        My uncle & aunt were together for 50 years until his recent death. They never had children. Upon his death, we found out he had a whole other family with multiple children — he didn’t leave any information or instructions so we found out when they called: “Hey we haven’t heard from our Dad so we’re calling you, the emergency contact sibling who doesn’t know we exist.” It’s been shocking. Can’t say we didn’t suspect, but he had flatly denied it when asked. Most of my family would rather this have stayed buried. It hasn’t bothered me as much but it really pissed off his sibling (my parent) to be left holding the bag as well as feeling responsible for my aunt. We’re trying to be gracious with the new cousins — it’s not their fault my uncle was a $#@$! — but we’re not really embracing it.

        We really struggled with what to say, if anything, to his widow. As the weeks unfolded after his death, we learned he had come clean about 1 child, but that’s all. Then yet another kid (from another mom) came knocking on my aunt’s door also looking for my uncle, their father. Surprise! So she had to find out that way AND deliver news of his passing. She was completely rocked. So we know she knows about 2, doesn’t seem to know about the rest, and we decided not to bring it up. This has been a clusterf*ck.

    13. Batgirl*

      I say this as someone who was betrayed in my marriage, but deceit is a matter of taking away someone’s informed consent.
      I get what you’re saying about it being a matter of the past, not a matter of ongoing consent, but people are entitled to information about themselves; especially if those things went into faulty lessons and poorly informed decisions.
      Imagine you were suspicious of someone, but they ended up being trustworthy and helpful. You’d decide your instincts were not really trustworthy going forward. If you then later found out this person had drugged you, or otherwise deceived you so you wouldn’t remember their true nature, you’d be upset (to put it mildly) , but you’d get your faith in your instincts back. It’s a priceless thing.
      This person has an instinct that things are off. Let them know that they are right.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      I went down a rabbit hole. I decided I was sick of how secretive my family could be. My father took a lot of secrets to his grave that he never shared at least with me. So I got involved in secrets.

      The thing about secrets is that the story goes back and back and back. Using your example, initially it seems like just, okay, so this person was secretly adopted. Well come to find out the bio parents had this or that going on. And the story involves three other people. So you follow up with all these people and they each have a twist to the storyline. As you listen to the parts what should be clear cut no longer appears clear cut. It’s a lot more complex than appears on the surface.

      So I had the humbling experience of thinking I knew some secrets and actually what I knew was a piece of the story but not the whole story. There is always more to the story no matter how deep you dig. Someone else always adds in a piece that changes the whole storyline.

      Genealogists are very interesting people to talk to because they see the patterns in families and they see the patterns in people. From what I can tell my elders argued a lot over estates. They argued so hard with each other that they stopped speaking to each other, permanently. Now, this type of arguing is well recognized but back then it was a much bigger deal because it was all kept secret. Secrets make everything bigger. The fallout from this is that I have relatives I don’t even know exist. And I am at least 4 generations removed from those arguments!

      So I got myself deeply into this stuff. In current time I have cousins who do not care one iota about any of it. And they probably never will.

      Takeaways for me:

      1) If I catch myself thinking I know the story behind x or y, I need to remind myself that I only know PART of the story. There is always more to the story.
      2) Many people think nothing of things that I think could be important.
      3) Brace for practical minded folks who demand to know how this helps them in current time.

      I think the best you can do is the next time family member mentions something is off, let her know you are available for coffee and conversation sometime. Put the ball in her court. Be prepared to wait decades for her to take you up on it. She won’t forget, believe me. Maintain the position that you know a piece of the story but not all of it. Holding this stance will help you and help her SO MUCH. It will help you keep things in balance if she does not ask and it will help her keep things in balance if she DOES ask.

      This more modest approach of saying that you know a piece of the story also saves other family relationships. The person who comes across as “I know a big secret” is the one who gets chased with rocks as it drives others that nuts. Saying you have a part of the story also allows others to enter the parts of the story they know. I know first hand that everyone has something to contribute to the storyline that changes it in some manner.

    15. Anon1000*

      I know a family secret. A few years back, my aunt (now deceased) told me that her aunt (also now deceased) had a child out of wedlock and put the child up for adoption. Afterwards, she married a different person, had kids and great life. I have no idea if my Second cousins (great aunts children) know about their half sibling or not. Or if they would want to know.

    16. Asenath*

      I would let it go. I found out a family secret about myself as a young adult, and it didn’t bother me at all. Another was told me by a relative (about herself) who had assumed I knew it all along, and when I heard another story about her, I decided to let it lie, since if it was true, she’d decided not to share it, and if it wasn’t, there was nothing to be gained and possibly something to be lost, at the very least, her being forced to admit that people believed the story.

      True, some people have been devastated by discovering the truth about circumstances surrounding their own birth, or other similar facts. Others aren’t. These days, anyone who wants to find out details can do so, and even in the past, I think generally word got out eventually, even when there was a kind of social agreement not to mention something that might make a child feel like they didn’t really belong in the family. I wouldn’t tell someone what I knew or suspected about their birth unless they asked. And if, as in this case, there are puzzling family relationships, the person most directly concerned could certainly think about the adoption (or whatever it was) as a possible cause, and then ask. I’m also not a fan of digging up the past to try to explain family issues that are occurring today. I’d say, deal with today’s issues directly, and maybe in the process the historical roots will be exposed. Maybe they won’t. But at least today’s situation will be improved.

    17. Chaordic One*

      I hope this doesn’t derail the thread, but here goes. My extended family has several members who I suspect are gay or bi-sexual, but mostly it isn’t talked about and I don’t know how I would go about bringing it up.

      There’s the unusually masculine cousin who amicably divorced her husband and the various middle-aged bachelor cousins who never married. I strongly suspect that an uncle (who has since died) married and used his wife (who has also since died) as a beard. They never had any children, which doesn’t really mean anything, but there were just things about them and their marriage that seem weird.

      It’s just weird and awkward. I find myself trying to keep in contact and keeping the lines of communication open and letting them know that I like them and care about them, but I also want to respect their privacy don’t want to be nosy or intrusive if they are, as I suspect, gay and not ready to come out. If they wanted to come out to me, I’d be fine with it, but I don’t know how to tell them that.

      1. speculation run amok*

        various middle-aged bachelor cousins who never married.

        dude. unmarried != being gay. just sayin.

        1. Chaordic One*

          You’re absolutely right. How silly of me. I must be letting my imagination run away with me. Cousin Bert is probably just friends with his longtime roommate Ernie and they’re probably just waiting for the right girls. And cousin Quentin? I’m sure lots of straight men go on vacation at Fire Island. ;-)

          1. Alejandro*

            You need to rethink your stereotyping, Chaordic One. I’m straight, in my early 40s, and not married. My parents, though not abusive or anything, seemed to make each other miserable and yet were seemingly trapped in a marriage. So for me, I would only get married if I absolutely were sure it was the right thing to do.

            1. Anax*

              Yep. There are a lot of options in the queer spectrum, too. They may be asexual and uninterested in dating. They may be transgender and find it difficult to find a relationship where physical/social dysphoria isn’t a deterrent. They may be poly and in a relationship with a married couple, and one or all of them are concerned about social repercussions if they were to be open about their relationship.

              There are… a lot of possibilities which would look from the outside like “gay” or “uninterested,” and speculating on it excessively is kind of rude, you know?

      2. Queer, out, and private*

        One way you can demonstrate yourself to be a trustworthy person they might want to come out to – IF THEY ARE IN FACT GAY – is to a) not engage in stereotyping like theorizing that a divorced and “unusually masculine” woman or a middle-aged unmarried man are probably some flavour of queer; and b) to genuinely respect their privacy and accept that fact that what your family members do with their sex lives isn’t even remotely relevant to you.

        Also, I am out to basically everyone I know but I studiously avoid mentioning my sexuality to people who seem very very very eager to show me how cool with queer people they are. I don’t want any aspect of my sexuality, including my orientation, to become the focus of my non-sexual relationships, and I find invariably that’s what happens when people who REALLY WANT TO KNOW if I’m gay because they are REALLY REALLY FINE WITH IT and JUST WANT ME TO BE COMFORTABLE BEING MYSELF find out.

        It’s not weird or awkward to not know who your cousins have sex with. It’s fine.

      3. allathian*

        Why is it weird and awkward? Especially in cases where everybody directly concerned is dead, speculation is pretty fruitless anyway.

        I think it’s odd that people are so quick to speculate that someone’s gay if they never get married. While I hope that everyone could be as open and comfortable about their sexuality as I am as a cisgender, heterosexual woman, the reality is that lots of people aren’t for a variety of reasons. Even if they are gay, they are allowed to remain in the closet if that’s what they want to do.

        Besides, your impressions may be wrong. How well do you know your cousins? In my freshman year at college I went through a phase of dressing very butch. I usually wore Levi’s 510s (too curvy for 501s), a lumberjack flannel shirt, Doc Martens boots, and a buzz cut. It took me a while to connect the dots because for a few months, I was wondering why I got hit on by more women than men. When I realized what was going on, I let my hair grow a bit longer and dressed a bit less butch…

    18. bunniferous*

      If this is regarding parentage…..tell them. I found out at 59 that I had a different father than I knew. Yes, it was upending, but I am glad I know the truth. If they find out from someone else and then learn you knew all along, it might make your relationship more difficult.

    19. Jackalope*

      A few years ago I read a book called “It Didn’t Start With You” by Mark Wolynn. The author is a counselor who worked with people dealing with generational traumas (for example, he had a number of clients and their offspring wrestling with the Holocaust and its fallout), and he said that many forms of trauma, as well as our response to them, are handed down by our parents. He shared a fascinating study, for example, of rats who were exposed to a shock while at the same time also given exposure to a specific cherry scent. 3 or 4 generations of their offspring were afraid of that scent even though they’d never experienced the shocks. (He also shared stories about people living in war zones who left and had children who had automatic responses to, say, the sound of gunfire even though they’d never been in the war zone themselves.) The author had a bit of the hammer/nail issue (If all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail) where since his main experience was working with people dealing with generational trauma and so he linked all problems to that. That being said, however, he had a lot of experience working with people who were able to discover past trauma in their families that had been kept from them but was still affecting them (for example, they had an aunt or uncle who committed suicide and no one ever mentioned that person to them, but when they reached the age that the aunt/uncle had been when the suicide occurred, the parent who was the sibling of said aunt/uncle suddenly started acting strangely towards them and having weird emotions that fell into place for everyone when the story came out).

      Because of that (and because of my preference for *knowing* what the past was), I would lean towards sharing the family secret. People often fondly believe that hiding it will protect either themselves or the person they’re hiding it from, but in reality it tends to leave an emotional mess that the person the secret is kept from can’t fully process because they don’t know what in the heck is causing the problem in the first place. To use your hypothetical example, it’s easier to cope with a secret adoption if you know that’s what the issue is and so you can, for example, go read up on how other people have dealt with the same issue, rethink your memories knowing, “Aha! THAT’S what that random comment meant!”, look up your biological family and finally have people that you consider family that actually look like you, and so on. There have been many other people here who have had strong feelings the other direction, however, so I would probably fall on the, “Hey, you’ve made comments around [X], and I have some information that might help clear things up; let me know if you ever want to know what’s going on.” And to help yourself out, maybe write everything down beforehand in a way that makes sense and try to tell yourself the story a couple of times; this is your family too, and you might also have emotions around this secret, so let yourself process it enough that if the person *does* want you to share, you can do so and not accidentally pour your emotions all over them at the same time so they have to deal with both. (Not to say you can’t be honest about how you felt if it was negative, just this might help so they don’t feel like they’re carrying you too, since you’ve had more time to come to terms with whatever it is.)

    20. Nita*

      This is very close to home. Before she died, my mother-in-law told me a secret. I think it’s the reason she and her husband divorced. It’s a heartbreaking story. I asked her if she ever told her son (my husband) and she said no, and she’d like not to. So I told her I won’t say anything to him. He’s since found out bits and pieces of the story, but not the really horrifying part. And of course he wonders what drove his parents apart. I thought for a long time whether I should say more, but in the end I can’t. Everyone involved is dead. The secret does not involve my husband directly, and knowing what a kind man he is, I’m sure it would break his heart to know. I did tell him, very vaguely, that his mom and I talked and I got the impression that the divorce happened because his dad let his mom down when she needed support, and she could not forgive him even though she still loved him. But I couldn’t say any more than that…

      1. Mademoiselle Sugar Lump*

        See, to me, that’s absolutely something he should know. He knows parts of it and he knows something is off. Yes it could hurt but it also help him with understanding things. “Oh! that explains (that thing that always seemed off, those conversations that didn’t make sense).”

        1. fposte*

          I also think it puts Nita in an unfair place. “Here’s this information that I want to unburden myself about but that you now need to keep secret from your husband.”

          1. Nita*

            I don’t know… can’t see telling him the details. It’s literally the most horrible thing I can imagine happening, on a personal level. Not on the level of adultery or not knowing who your real parents are. It also doesn’t really add anything he doesn’t know about his parents’ character. It’s just a horrible thing that happened in their past, and he does now know the general story but not the specifics. There’s also absolutely nothing that can be done now. I hate secrets though.

          2. TL -*

            Yeah, this would fall under the “I don’t lie for other people” rule for me, and I would have told MIL that. (And then I would have told husband.)

            But I can see my best friend not telling, for the reasons Nita listened. To be completely, I think my bestie does it as much for herself as for the person she’s protecting; usually the other person ends up handling it just fine and bestie gets to be like, “I did this for other person and that makes me a good person.”

            1. allathian*

              I have the same rule and I’m very upfront about it. It’s meant that a couple of times, someone who wanted to confide in me has backed out of telling me something in confidence, but that’s fine by me. I don’t want to know other people’s secrets. I especially don’t want to know any secrets that affect my husband directly and that I couldn’t share with him. So I won’t promise anyone that I won’t tell him things they tell me, if those things affect him in some way. If a friend tells me something in confidence that only affects them, it’s a different matter and I won’t tell my husband.

    21. KoiFeeder*

      There’s a strong genetic history of autism in my family, but at the moment it seems to be sex-linked rather than an unmitigated dominant gene. But there’s been some stuff uncovered recently, and that combined with a few autism diagnoses on a previously unimpacted side of the family suggests that there’s a strong chance that the gene gets carried along regardless of whether it’s expressed and that it may not be as strictly sex-linked as we thought.

      In my opinion, the family autism is both pretty predictable and only disabling when society gets stubborn about performing normalcy, so I don’t consider it a big deal. In fact, if it turns out that they’re also carrying it, I’d consider that a good thing because they might have resources and tactics we don’t and vice versa. But that branch of the family doesn’t talk to my branch because we’re the weirdos, so there’s a high chance that they will not like the idea that they are and always have been the same breed of weird.

      If it turns out that, yes, they’ve got the gene too, I’ll probably tell. At the very least, I’d want to make sure that they’re not gonna sell that genetic information to autism speaks, and hopefully it’d be helpful to some people.

    23. fposte*

      A big thing for me would be whether or not it’s actionable. If there’s something they’d do with this information, not just feel about this information, it would tip me toward telling–like does it affect money or benefits? Does it mean there’s health information they could have access to but don’t? I also might tell if the secret is one that’s rebounded on them–if you know their dad had an affair with a man but he’s now homophobic toward your queer friend, or their dad left their mom for a man and she’s homophobic toward your friend. It’d also depend how I knew. Did I find out through my own obsessive research that their beloved grandfather was a deserter and not a war hero? Nothing I need to share.

    24. Completely anonymous*

      So here’s the real story: I’ve known my step-children since they were very young. I met their father shortly after the divorce. Everyone in their family and older adult social circle knows that the precipitating event for the divorce was their mother’s infidelity. But of course they were not told this. They were told that daddy and mommy love them very much but no longer love each other.

      Shortly after the divorce, their father met me. Their mother “met” the man she’d been having an affair with, introduced him as her new boyfriend, and married him shortly thereafter. She worked very hard to create a new nuclear family with him slotted in in place of their father. It was a complete shitshow and they divorced a few years later in a very traumatic fashion which included New Stepdad’s infidelity and their mother’s more-or-less breakdown.

      During that time it became clear that their narrative was “when dad left us” even though he had shared custody. He did move out of the marital home, but he would have stayed forever if his wife hadn’t pretty much ended the marriage by finding a new love.

      Now my step-children are middle aged, and both their parents are dead.

      When I talk to them about their current lives and relationship issues and parenting issues, they will casually refer to things like “mom met a new man and brought him home,” or “dad escaped this bad marriage by moving out.” They are confused by why their mother worked so hard to integrate the new man so quickly. They wonder why she felt removed from them and why she was not emotionally accessible.

      I don’t have answers. But I think that the story becomes more clear when you know that their mother really wanted to rectify the perceived mistake of her first marriage by re-creating a nuclear family with her second husband, and that a lot of her subsequent shame and depression had to do with her having given up a good husband in favor of a guy who turned out to be a total asshole.

      I suppose that a lot of that could be inferred without knowing about the infidelity. I know that my late husband was always sad that his children thought he’d just left the marriage, when the reality was quite different. So maybe that’s my motivation. But I also feel that at least one of the adult children is really struggling with his memories of his childhood.

      People were talking about documents. I have a cassette tape left by their father, where he wrote their names and “not to be opened until your 18th birthday.” He was around when they were 18, so he could have given them the tape but didn’t. But he also kept it, and after he died I have it. I asked my rabbi if I should just throw it away, and he said it belongs to them and to keep it in case they ask for it. But that’s totally disingenuous. Of course they won’t ask for it, because they have no idea it exists. It’s probably all just static by now anyway.

      I guess it’s best for me to just keep quiet. It hurts me to hear his one child really wrestling with memories of his childhood, and it hurts me that literally everyone over a certain age in their sphere knows about this. And it’s weird to me that someday I will literally take this information to the grave. But neither child has asked me why their parents divorced or what I know about it, so I guess it’s best not to volunteer information.

      2. Reba*

        There are services that can (attempt to) restore cassette tapes! I think your sense of your rabbi’s advice is right, and should be extended to just telling them. And maybe apologizing for not doing so when he died — depending on how long it has been, not sure from what you have written. Say you have this tape, would they like it, maybe it can still be heard. I would be heartbroken if I learned someone had kept something like this from me.

        I don’t think you really have scope to share your analysis of the kids’ mom, but you have all the right in the world to talk with them about their dad!

        I’m sorry for your loss.

      3. RagingADHD*

        I think you should tell them the tape exists, that their father chose not to give it to them, but that you will if they want it.

        This is not a life-altering revelation about their identity. It’s just additional context on a story they already know.

        You should also keep your observations/opinions about their mom to yourself. Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except the people inside it. You have a single fact and a single perspective. If the kids had ant memory of their parents’ marriage, they already have experiential knowledge of what it was like in that house. They knew something was wrong already, just not exactly what it was.

        1. Epiphyta*

          +1. You’re not giving them “the one true truth about ‘How Your Parents’ Marriage Really Was!’ ” It’s a tape with their father’s perspective on what happened, one piece of the reality. If you have not heard it, you aren’t even sure of that.

          And, as kindly as possible, it’s not yours. I’m dealing with a similar situation right now, as a sibling of Spouse’s has died and he has turned up family papers relating to Sibling’s mother (FIL’s first wife), which Spouse is passing along to his nephew. You say that your stepchildren are middle-aged; adults get to decide for themselves when and how, and with what support, they process challenging information.

          I understand your impulse to protect them. Consider something my father was fond of saying: “Assume ‘They’ are going to ‘find out’. How does that affect your actions?” In the case of my family, harm done – abandonment, adoption, adultery – was always compounded by the secrets people told to themselves and one another to try and cover it up.

      4. RebelwithMouseyHair*

        Don’t you think that they might hate you if they found out you knew all along?
        At the moment, if I’ve understood correctly, the step children don’t know about their mother’s infidelity, and they see their father as the one who left, who broke up the happy family. Why should their father be cast in a bad light like that when it’s the mother who triggered the breakup? I would say you should tell them asap.

        My father always hammered on that he wanted my partner and me to get married. I didn’t want to – I’ve always hated the idea. Then one day he explained why, and it was a secret he’d never told anyone, not even his wife or my elder brother: he wasn’t the son of the man named as his father on his birth certificate. His mother had got pregnant from another guy (someone much higher up in society) and this other guy married her to make an honest woman of her. But everyone knew (small town) and my father was often called “bastard”, and it was a name that was very hurtful back in those days. Once he’d told me that, it made sense to me that he didn’t want the same to happen to my children. I was able to reassure him that society had changed, that in fact over 50% of children are born to parents who are not married in the country I live in, and that everyone always assumes we are married even though neither of us wear a ring.
        He felt so much better once we’d had that conversation and I’m so happy that he was able to confide in me and that we were able to have that heart-to-heart talk.

        1. RagingADHD*

          She said the kids’ narrative is “dad escaped this bad marriage by moving out.”

          They know he didn’t break up a happy situation. They also know their mom jumped into the new relationship wierdly fast, and it was a trainwreck.

          They just don’t know the exact timing or what dad’s final straw was. Unless they have zero relational intelligence, middle-aged people have probably guessed that an affair was a possibility.

  4. Jackalope*

    So I was wondering if anyone has brilliant ideas for continuing to socialize as we come into winter. I recently bought a shade shelter to use against precipitation as well as a few more lawn chairs so that if we have temperature-appropriate gear we can still congregate in the backyard and not get precipitated on. We’ve tried it out once and it was great. I also bought a super bright lantern so we could have light. Anyone else trying to find ways to make outdoor gatherings happen? Any ideas on what we can do to prep for cold, rain, and snow to have people still in our lives in person but safely?

    1. Anonymous*

      I’ve thought about getting one of those big outdoor heaters you see on restaurant patios. They seem to work well in that setting but I don’t know anything about the cost.

      1. Anonymous*

        That’s a good idea. I’ve thought about a fire pit but have friends who are sensitive to smoke. Something that provides heat but not smoke might be good.

        1. Anonymous*

          I’m not sure if it will help but solo stove makes a fire pit that contains a lot of the smoke (not sure if it’s smokeless) and is on sale right now.

        2. LNLN*

          My SIL attended a gathering outdoors where the host provided single bed sized electric blankets to the guests (and extension cords). She loved it!

      2. Natalie*

        From what I hear there’s been quite the run on those lately, they might be hard to find. So if you’re thinking about it, I’d start looking now.

    2. Jackalope*

      For those who are curious, this is the shelter we got: https://www.rei.com/product/171377/kelty-discovery-shade-shelter?cm_mmc=email_tran-_-ereceipt-_-20200923-_-img_prod1&ev36=&RMID=EReceipt_PROD&RRID=17794220&ev11=

      It’s the Kelty Shade Shelter. Putting it up is a bear (who decided to make you stick the pole through SLEEVES instead of hooks like tents have used for years??), and it wouldn’t work in blustery weather with lots of wind. On the other hand it’s 10 feet by 10 feet meaning you can easily fit two different households with safe distances and you miiiiight be able to get three or four if you were all at the far corners. When I used it I was on one side and my guest was at the other; it was raining but we didn’t get wet and we were able to enjoy being outside. Again, this isn’t trying to recommend this specific item but giving you an idea of this is something that might help you spend more time outside with friends or family members not in your quarantine bubble.

    3. LemonWhirl*

      I’m not sure there are any brilliant ideas beyond outdoor heaters. Also, I am a big believer in the saying “There’s no bad weather, only poor clothing choices.” I’d be investing in really good thermal layers, hats, gloves, rain gear, etc.

      If you’re set on entertaining, you might buy a bunch of warm blankets for yourself and your guests that you can wash before events.

    4. Ewesername*

      I have a heated travel blanket that plugs into a USB, so I use a rechargeable battery pack with it. We’ve cleaned out our garage, bought a couple of space heaters and plan to be in there until we can’t take the cold anymore.

    5. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Can you do outdoor activities where you move around to keep warm? Sledding, ice skating, hiking, skiing? Outdoor socializing in the winter is already a thing; it’s just a thing that usually involves exercise.

    6. Anonymous*

      We were at our friends’ backyard the other day and they had a chiminea. I’d never seen one before. They give off a lot more heat than a portable firepit and seem to be about equally smokey, which is to say quite a bit. We had to air all our clothes afterward, but we were quite warm well into a cold night.

      Our other friends had just purchased very lightweight down camping throws so we all had lovely wraps in their backyard.

      The comment about clothing is pretty accurate – last night I dug out my long underwear and warm boots for the first time, and that made a huge difference in my comfort level being outside.

      One friend is going to open up the back wall of her garage so that she can have the front and back open for cross-breeze and entertain in there with heaters. That seems a bit extreme to me, but she’s a DIY kind of person who enjoys those projects.

    7. Anax*

      I was so smug about the California winters being relatively easy to go out in – and fire season is making going outdoors at all unsafe. Arghhhh.

      I think wet seating is one of the biggest problems when congregating outdoors in winter; you can dress warmly, but dressing waterproofly is harder. Chairs you can bring indoors or otherwise protect from the damp seem like a good idea. Outdoor-safe lighting so you can gather outside even when the sun sets at 5pm, and maybe a big tea kettle?

    8. pandora366*

      We have board game cafes that accomomdate 5 people so we go there for cold, rain and all. Since Covid-19 gave me more time to work playing anime soundtracks and pop music, I invite others for concert here and there – works when you have musician friends, or audience who are willing to listen!

  5. Grandkid number 11*

    Looking for suggestions on how to explain this COVID situation to an elderly who lives in a personal care home. My grandmother, who is 95, sort of understands what’s going on but is still accusing us of abandoning her. The rules at her home is only two designated people can visit, but only one at a time. We have to stay in her room, we can’t take her anywhere. And while we’re there, it’s full PPE- mask, face shield, gown, gloves. (We’re in Canada- full blown second wave is happening)
    We’ve had multiple conversations about what’s going on, but it the severity doesn’t seem to be sticking. She’s quite on the ball about everything else that’s happening. I’m thinking because she’s not out in the world, experiencing it, it isn’t happening for her.
    Ideas would be appreciated

    1. Job Carousel*

      That sounds so hard for everyone involved — I’m sorry!

      Since she’s 95, maybe she remembers people talking about the influenza pandemic that happened a few years before she was born, or the polio outbreaks and world war that happened when she was a young woman — would relating the severity of this situation to those situations possibly help? You could say it’s a once in a 100 years phenomenon, much more serious than a seasonal flu or a cold, and that’s why so many precautions are in place.

      It sounds like your family is doing their best to make sure she’s being cared for during this challenging time. Are there any other creative ways you can make her feel cared for — bringing a tablet in with your visits and video calling with other family members who can’t be physically present, bringing in cards or letters from others, etc?

    2. learnedthehardway*

      Can you leave a written note with her about what is happening? Maybe reading it once in awhile will help her remember.

      Can you set up regular calls with her by phone or video conference?

      What about sending postcards every few days?

    3. Not Australian*

      Similar problem with my mother in law, 90 and still living independently. She doesn’t understand why people aren’t visiting her and feels we have abandoned her, whereas the truth is she’s had to have one designated ‘point person’ to deal with all her needs (shopping, banking, appointments etc.) and has hardly seen anyone else since February. The only way we could make this work was a phone rota where she gets a call every day from one or other of her children. It’s deadly dull for her, but at least she understands that she really shouldn’t be going out on her own.

      For your gran, how about an informational poster about Covid somewhere that she’ll see it every day – on the back of the bathroom door, perhaps? If it’s a proper formal poster. i.e. not made by a family member, she may realise that this is a bigger phenomenon than she thought. Also, regular phone calls – at the same time each day if possible – so that she starts to recognise the ‘new normal’ for what it is.

    4. Pennyworth*

      Is she the sort of person who would accept the notion of authority from on high? – as in ”We have to follow these new rules and wear protective gear and stay in your room. I hate having to do it, but rules are rules”. You could also talk about what you will be able to do together once the rules are relaxed so she has something to look forward to.

    5. Girasol*

      Can you ask if she remembers her parents telling her about what they went through in the 1918 flu? It was before her time but I imagine it hadn’t been forgotten by the time she was a child. If she remembers the 1918 epidemic, perhaps it would be a step toward explaining what’s going on now.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I’ve done some reading about the 1918 flu. Interestingly enough, the people who lived through it seemed to frequently NOT talk about. Rather than want to talk about it, at least in the US they seemed to mostly want to forget it ever happened. So there may not be family stories.

        However – polio is another option, and someone in their 80s/90s would likely remember that.

        2. RebelwithMouseyHair*

          Yes, indeed. I remember Doris Lessing talking about it – she was born in the midst of it, yet nobody ever talked about it. Like WWI which had just preceded it, it became a Great Unmentionable. I had never heard of it before reading Doris Lessing, to the point that it almost seemed like it was another of her stories rather than something that really happened.

    6. Totally Minnie*

      Does she have a good window you can use for visits? My grandmother is also in her 90s and living in a care facility, but her bedroom window is easily accessible from the sidewalk, so she’s still been able to have visitors several times a week. We leave the window closed and call her on the phone so we can stand together and have a chat.

    7. Anax*

      I’m staying in – I’m young but asthmatic – and it’s definitely easy to forget about things like masks and PPE when you don’t see them! I would guess that that is indeed a huge factor; I’m very aware of the statistics intellectually, but man do I forget about masks every time I step outside, and have to look around wide-eyed. No good advice, but can confirm that that’s a Thing.

    8. HC*

      I’m late to reply but I’m going through a similar situation with a family member. Is it possible to facetime using a caregivers phone? That way different people can facetime even if only one or two people can see them in person. Then other family members can rotate who goes on facetime. I wouldn’t recommend putting more than one or two people on at once since that can lead to confusion but this has helped my family out greatly when my family member is having a “good” day. On bad days though she seems to not fully understand that we’re not just a picture though so it may be hit or miss.

  6. Anonymous*

    Just a quick update for those folks who kindly gave me advice about a nervous dog recently. Two attempts to take her out for walks have so far failed as she just will *not* have anything to do with men whatsoever, but I’ve got an arrangement to try to take her out on my own one day this week. The original idea of taking my other half with me was that the owner didn’t think I would be strong enough alone to wrestle with the dog if she got ornery – I haven’t walked a dog of any kind for thirty years or more – but we’re running out of options and it’s got to be worth a try.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I think that due to the technical issues the site is experiencing (see Allison’s post from yesterday) the usernames aren’t being saved, so you have to retype them in the “name” box every time, at least that’s what’s happening for me. It defaults to Anonymous when you don’t fill in the name.

        2. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Also, it just told me I need to slow down with commenting, but I hadn’t posted any at all! And it ate my comment, which is frustrating. :(

    2. WS*

      I had a (very short and slightly built) friend who was told the same thing about her dog, but she was able to control the dog quite well by staying close to her. The dog was only scared enough to try to run away once, so my friend just sat on the ground so the dog wouldn’t pull her into a fall, and it worked great – the dog came straight back for comfort.

      1. Reba*

        Sitting down — this is what my very petite sibling does with their big dogs!

        Good luck with desensitization, Not Australian!

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      When she gets ornery during a walk does she try to back up, or turn and pull, or get aggressive as defense? Sorry if you have mentioned this previously as I don’t remember seeing it.

      If the dog backs up then it is harder for them to pull hard, so a properly sized collar or harness should work unless the neck is unusually wide. If the dog turns and tries to run away then I would suggest a no-pull harness. There are several types including one that clips in front which works well for me although I was given some as a donation so I haven’t tried other no-pull harness types (https://positively.com/dog-training/methods-equipment/training-equipment/head-collars-no-pull-harnesses/). I have used a material (not metal) slip collar and tried a prong collar (didn’t like it) for large strong dogs that have never walked on leash, just initially to teach them how to walk without dragging me off my feet. I would never use a slip collar on a reactive dog as they can become irrational from fear and would pull to the point of pain which would only increase their fear. They can also continue to pull hard with the collars so a no-pull harness really is the best way to keep the person walking them from falling over.

      If they are reacting to dogs or people then the best technique is to distract them with food before they get close. Get them to associate men with their favorite treats ever, such as plain chicken. If the dog reacts and ignores you then just turn around and walk away for a bit. If you want a video showing how to do this positively I can look for one.

  7. Ask a Manager* Post author

    My crocheting question of the week. I’m making a blanket with Wool-Ease Thick & Quick yarn (from Lion), and I’m finding it really holds onto cat fur if our cats walk/sit on it. The yarn is a light color so it really shows up … but beyond that, a strand of cat fur will sort of attach itself in the blanket … which isn’t very suitable for blankets in this house. I figure I’ll give this one away to someone without cats, but I’d like to make myself a version of the blanket in a yarn that won’t do that. Is that a common problem with any yarns with wool in them? Or are there types of yarn where you can avoid it? (Unfortunately the yarn is really well suited for this blanket.)

    2. Germank106*

      Wool is a natural fiber and, just like the dirt clings to the Sheep’s fur, dirt and cat/dog hair clings to the Wool. That partially has to do with the Lanolin in the Wool and the staple length of the fibers. The good thing is that the hair is easily removable just by washing and/or with a lint roller or sticky tape.

      1. Anonbeth*

        Wool-ease is only around 20% wool, so I don’t know if this is it. Honestly cat hair (and people hair) gets knit into everything I make regardless of fiber type, and I just roll with it. It’s not like it won’t be covered in hair after it’s done.

    3. Faith*

      You could try a Pima cotton yarn if you want a soft natural fiber that doesn’t grab every cat hair it can. But wool is not going to work if you don’t want cat fur sticking to it; wool loooooves other animal hair.

    4. Hotdog not dog*

      It’s a great yarn, but “fluffy” yarns do tend to attract pet hair. If it’s something I’m making for myself I just match the yarn color to my dog, since the only way to deal with Husky fur is to just embrace the madness. If it’s a gift, I try to either select a smoother textured yarn or work on it outside my house. (I’m one of those people who always has a project bag on hand in case of five minutes of free time) I also make sure to wash the item and use a lint roller before I give the gift. Keeping your project in a large ziplock bag while in progress also helps.

    6. Anonymous*

      You may try either the Heartland or Hometown USA lines from Lion Brand. They are acrylic, but not as fluffy so may pick up less hair.

      Cute blanket pattern.

    7. Batgirl*

      I think acrylic is the most practical around either kids or pets. It used to be just the one consistency but now there’s loads of wooly or thin or cable type textures. You can play around with wool-acrylic mixtures too.

    8. The teapots are on fire*

      Honestly, I’d look for a tweedy color that just blends with the cat hair. I bought a couch this way once. I brought a bag of hair from both cats to the store and bought the one that blended.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        +1000! I have clothes that go through the washer and dryer, and come out with cat fur on the *inside*. I have kitchen towels that proclaim: “Cat fur – a fashion statement and a condiment.”

        You want a soft, cuddly blanket? Cat fur is soft. Embrace the fur.

  8. Anxious Insomniac*

    How do you deal with anxiety? If anxiety is an overestimation of the problem coupled with an underestimation of one’s ability to deal with the problem, how exactly do people cope with that and change that equation?

    I’m on meds. So any other tips would be good. Thank you.

    1. happybat*

      I’ve had a bit of success lately with examining my foundational ideas – for me the big one was ‘I am responsible for everyone else’s emotions’ Looking at that and talking about it helped me grasp that it wasn’t all that reasonable and helped me reshape it into a belief that works better for me ‘I should take reasonable care and pay due attention to other people’s emotions’

    2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      I recommend the app Headspace, which teaches a nondenominational variety of mindfulness meditation. After a free 10-day introductory course, you can pay to unlock a whole variety of courses with techniques specifically aimed at particular situations and conditions. I found their anxiety course pack really helpful and have continued to use its techniques for several years since I first listened to it.

      Your definition of anxiety is an interesting one—I have a similar visualization where I think of anxiety as looking through a telescope that makes all the problems look HUGE—but I think “change the equation” is still implicitly letting the anxiety call the shots. If you’re in that “equation” mindset at all, you’re in an anxiety mindset, because you’ve defined something as a problem to be anxious about, and then you’re having additional anxiety about whether you’re correctly adjusting your parameters. The key is to get out of that mindset altogether.

      That’s where mindfulness comes in, for me. Just being able to say “Whoa, I’m in a very anxious space right now, that’s probably affecting the way I’m approaching this” helps me step back and access my rationality and start over from first principles: Is this, actually, a problem? What problem is it? For whom is it a problem? What is it getting in the way of? And from there I can usually figure out what needs dealing with (which is probably not the thing my anxiety was fixated on, and may in fact be the anxiety itself) and how to deal with it.

      Anxiety is a very self-focused view, as seen in your equation having a heavy emphasis on you and your abilities and your understanding of your abilities. It’s also artificially narrow; the anxiety telescope zooms in on one tiny point in the distance while ignoring everything else around you. Rationality is the space from which you can see the bigger picture and consider other perspectives and acknowledge other people’s needs and feelings, and that expansion of viewpoint is what’s necessary for both accurately defining problems and finding solutions that stick. So: Identify that you’re in an anxious mindset that’s distorting your perspective. Don’t fiddle with the telescope’s settings; put it down, and look around you at the whole big everything. Take in all the information you can, compassionately (or at least dispassionately) and without prejudgment. Then return to the issue you’re trying to fix, and see whether getting a little bit out of your head and your narrow focus helps you to make sense of things.

      Meds are good but they’re no substitute for therapy, so I hope you can work with a good therapist on this. Best of luck.

    3. Janet Pinkerton*

      I’m on both Wellbutrin as a daily and Xanax as needed. Not sure if you have both kinds but I’d recommend it. Exercise really helps me—I like to lift heavy weights. Therapy was also a big help and probably the first thing I needed. I’ve since graduated. One of my favorite tricks from therapy is to actually think something through to its worst case scenario logical conclusion. It actually isn’t usually as bad as anxiety makes it seem like it will be.

    4. Claire*

      Things I do to manage my anxiety: regular exercise (walking, swimming, yoga, BodyBalance classes), eating small but regular meals and snacks (anxiety tends to make me forget about food then binge, so I plan my food carefully to avoid that as much as possible), drinking plenty of water (I carry a Chilly’s bottle everywhere), and meditation (including using sleepcasts to help me fall asleep). And I schedule “worry time” – ten minutes once a day to sit and write down what’s worrying me, and what I intend to do about those things, in a dedicated journal. This lets me tell myself “I’ll deal with that at Worry Time”, which can short-circuit my brain’s inclination to go over and over things in endless circles.

    5. Dottie*

      I have anxiety and OCD which for a number of years tried different meds and mostly managed on my own. I’ve seen a therapist for about a year now which has been so helpful. She helped me recognize anxiety symptoms sooner than later (ex: flight or fight is perceiving danger, so ask yourself if there’s an danger currently and talk outloud to yourself logically about it as talking will help you not hyperventilate). I pay out of pocket and it’s worth it, especially right now when my health-anxiety fear is in overdrive. Otherwise I read for fun, play Sudoku, video games, ride my bike… things I like that will help distract or channel that nervous energy into. If I feel a way, ask myself if I need water, food, more sleep, a laugh, etc. In severe moments I use a benzo as needed. Remember to be compassionate with yourself too, because this shit is hard and we’re doing our best to cope under the circumstances!

    6. Rebecca Stewart*

      I try to sort out the things that are problems that I can take care of versus the problems that aren’t under my control/I have no ability to change.

      For example, I can’t do a thing about winter weather. But when we moved, we moved to a place where our streets will get plowed and it’s less distance to a main road. I can keep stashes of meds and food and necessities because I have a large pantry. I can make sure the car has survival gear in it. So I put the nervous energy of anxiety into getting all that “right”, and then I can handle the fact that we may get an ice storm and there’s nothing I can do about it.
      I also try very hard to keep a good sleep schedule and eat sustaining food as anxiety is much more likely to rise up and eat my head when I am tired and hungry. Managing life stress in general is also part of this; often a spiral that needs the rescue med to manage it starts when I feel pressured and pushed and feel like I don’t have enough time/spoons to do all I need to do. So part of my daily treatment is to make sure I don’t get in that situation by preplanning and working hard to make sure I have as orderly a life as I can.

      1. Jackalope*

        This is a lot of it for me, too. I try to take the issues, figure out what I can do about them (preferably what I can do *today*), do the thing, and then when I keep worrying about it, tell myself I’ve already done what I can and firmly move on. It helps to have thoughts I can return to that make me happy; for example, I love my cats, so I might redirect my thoughts to whatever cute thing they are doing at that moment. Once a week I go on a 4.5 mile walk in the morning before I do anything else, and I was getting caught up in anxiety spirals that made those walks less pleasant than they’d been in the past, so I brought a list of character development questions for a new-ish D&D character and spent the morning pleasantly figuring out what kind of character background she has. Things like that can really help.

        And a shout-out to making sure basic needs are met. Just grabbing food and going to bed on time, as well as getting a good amount of exercise, make a big difference. It doesn’t solve everything, but it means that your body isn’t trying to fight on THAT front as well.

    7. Anon for this*

      Just starting to use a Circadian Optics light box in the past few weeks. I am amazed to report that I feel significantly better. YMMV.

    9. Cendol*

      This is exactly the root of my anxiety—the fear that something terrible will happen and I won’t be able to cope. The advice of my therapist was to make a list of bad things that I *have* coped with in the past. A sort of “resilience box” that I can open up and look through when I’m feeling particularly afraid. And I haven’t been too discerning as far as what goes in the box, you know? The time that I put my life back together after a burglary is there, but so are the multiple times I emptied my sink of dirty dishes. Just piles of proof that I have faced and navigated every challenge I’ve encountered so far. (And they don’t have to be challenges that you faced alone. Having proof that you have other people in your corner—that you won’t be alone if it really does all fall apart!—is also helpful.)

      And if you find yourself continuing to spiral with “What ifs,” or challenging the experiences in the box, try to interrupt the cycle. I don’t do well with breathing exercises, but I’ve found that it’s been helpful to stand up, walk around, and eat a menthol cough drop, particularly if anxiety seizes me in the middle of the night. I also put my procrastination skills to use. “This is all very interesting, but why don’t we think about this tomorrow?” :)

    10. Skeeder Jones*

      I had horrible anxiety at the start(ish) of the pandemic due to the state of the world and additional traumatic events in my life (car fire, death of a friend, death of a family member, stressful project at work). It was so hard to deal with because of that feeling you get in your body when you have severe anxiety and it was affecting my confidence at work, where I’ve always done well. I attacked it from a lot of angles. I did begin taking medication, but I also had therapy (been seeing the same therapist for over 10 years) and did some self-care kinds of things including going taking lunch to a park and doing some journaling and coloring. I started using some apps like Calm and Happify and they would help kind of reset my mind when I was spiraling. I also used self talk like “I am feeling x, this is why. It is ok to feel this way, it is part of being human. I won’t always feel this way” and my therapist also mentioned thinking about it like a software glitch so sometimes I would tell myself that as well. I learned that I could also redirect my energy by getting involved in a project like cleaning out my expired spices, folding laundry, stuff like that. I also got a cat (I live alone so it is nice to have this little creature in my life that keeps me company) and petting her or brushing her coat was also stress-relieving for me. I also used a CBD vape pen, but I’ve heard some bad things it can do to your lungs so I tried not to use it very much. (I tried other delivery methods but they didn’t work) It took a few months but it gradually got better and now I rarely have a full-blown anxiety attack. I’ll send you some good vibes!

    11. Anxious Insomniac*

      Thank you so much everybody – this has given me a lot to think about and a lot of practical advice. I really do appreciate y’all taking the time to write your responses out. Bookmarked this to come back to again.

      1. The teapots are on fire*

        I recommend any of David Burns’ books on mood, with written exercises on cognitive behavioral therapy. It gives you a structured way to reframe your thinking and it’s really helpful.

    12. pretzelgirl*

      Things that help me:
      Therapy
      Meds
      Exercise ( I have to go every other day or can drastically tell the difference. In fact I don’t have time today or tomorrow and I am worried)
      Eating right
      Getting outside
      ASMR
      Also I am not sure of your family life or situation. I have 3 little kids. After the 2 littlest are in bed I retreat to my room for an hour of me time. I watch silly videos, eat some dessert and veg. It is my time where no one needs a thing from me.
      Take a mental health day, schedule things you love to you for yourself. A massage, exercise, picking up your favorite take out, binging a favorite show

  9. help*

    I’m the person who caused a coronavirus panic at work. And now here I am again. I am feeling like coughing more often. Otoh, I am in an area affected by wildfires and I do have asthma. I am so afraid of what my company’s management will respond if I say “I would like to be removed until I get tested” if it turns out to be a false alarm. Especially if my client site learns and freaks out again. However, if they learn I am hiding symptoms even though I have a plausible excuse of asthma, and indeed it could just be that… idk. I really feel crappy either way. I wish I could just slip off for a quick test and report back.

    If I KNEW that you couldn’t get it twice, I would feel so much more relieved. Colds, flu, and asthma flareups are pretty common right? Totally plausible for what I’m experiencing. On my end, I wear a mask constantly, go outside if I need to cough, sanitize, use my inhaler and minimze risk. Still taking public transit. I take my temp on entering and have sworn to myself if I have a fever, I leave immediately and report. My boss is pretty good but does inadvertently guilt me by talking about how difficult it is to get my position covered, which has led both my needed times off to be delayed and me to hesitate reporting it

    Thank you all!

    1. Lena Clare*

      Get medical advice immediately – it’s irresponsible to go into company with a suspicion of it – then if you need a test you can tell your employers you need to isolate. And you’re not responsible for causing a panic – we’re in a pandemic, people are anxious. But that shouldn’t stop you from getting a test. I’ve been off work 3 times with covid-19, and I’ve had 1 test only, which was negative. I don’t care, I’d rather be overly cautious and stay off with what turns out to be a cold than infect people around me.

    2. Jessie*

      I think you should definitely tell them. Even if it causes panic. That’s not your fault. I think a lot of people will go through this in the coming months, because we are entering flu season. So, people will keep getting sick and wondering whether to go on as normal because it’s just a cold or to actually say something just to be cautious. I guess for people who tend to get sick a lot in winter, it will be hell. I think tell them.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      You really don’t have a choice because asthma means that YOU ARE AT HIGH RISK of complications.
      And that’s before acknowledging company medical rules about reporting symptoms, and potentially local laws.
      Tell your manager you need to be tested. Get tested. Then because of the asthma thing, stay inside a place with air purifiers during your quarantine to help rule out wildfire/allergies issues.
      I acknowledge I may sound harsh, but I heard first-hand accounts of epidemics from my parents & grandparents & their siblings. Except for the ones who died before I was born from a contagious disease.
      Please do the right thing.

      1. Eeeek*

        Studies have actually shown people with asthma are statistically under represented in hospitalized corona patients. Not that she shouldn’t be careful and report to work because she totally should!

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      Can you not call in sick due to asthma and get tested? Are the tests regulated or take a long time for results?

    5. Jackalope*

      Just want to extend sympathy on what I’ve started calling Schrodinger’s COVID. I regularly have symptoms (like a chronic cough, for example) that match the COVID list but probably don’t mean anything. It’s frustrating and sometimes frightening.

      1. Kiwi*

        We just got a new dog and I’m still asthmatically adjusting to him – which includes a lot of coughing and wheezing. I kept worrying it was COVID until I took some benadryl and the symptoms cleared right up – but i can’t take benadryl all the time cuz it knocks me out. Schrodinger’s Cough is a good name for this!

    1. Rara Avis*

      My cross-stitch project is languishing in a corner, but I did tie-dye with my kid this week. Nail-beds are still blue.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      I am in the midst of creating a large patchwork quilt for my brother and SIL (they asked if they could commission one. ) I’m enjoying it but it’s a big task! For example the first stage was making 272 half-square triangle units – the finished square being 2 and a half inches. But as you go the numbers go down, logically (I’m now in the midst of sewing two pieced components together, 68 times) which is motivating, it sort of speeds up if that makes sense. But then there will be the quilting – I only have a domestic machine and sending it to be long armed would double the cost, nearly, so I’m going to do it by hand but sort of tying it with crows foot stitching.
      I think it will be lovely – a bears paw block in a mix of fairly modern prints in turquoise, orange, lime, navy and a little yellow, with a white-on-white background.

    3. RagingADHD*

      My kids are 11 and 13 and want movie-accurate Halloween costumes for Belle and Rapunzel.

      I have all the fabric and wig supplies, have the bodices cut out, and Rapunzel is flatlined and ready for basting/final fitting.

      I’ve also been learning to knit socks by Magic Loop. Very fun!

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I fear I myself won’t have much to contribute to this the coming months, as most of my writing will probably be related to the Thing That Shan’t Be Discussed In This Thread. Maybe I’ll gush about a loose scene I wrote here and there, but there definitely won’t be much else happening at this point in time.

    1. Writing anon*

      Changing my name for this one – I have so many fanfiction WIPs that it’s just plain embarrassing at this point, as in almost a dozen separate 15-25k fics that just aren’t getting finished, or which are finished but are now on their seventh or eighth editing pass. NaNoWriMo has been attempted in the past, with only debatable success.

      Solution – use Kinktober prompts to make myself write and finish and post one fic, generally less than 3k, per day, to get over my incessant need for perfection and endless editing. Writing shameless smut isn’t a self-help tactic I’d suggest for everyone, but it’s an easy list of prompts, depending on which list you use, that forces you to commit to daily or near-daily posting. It’s working so far.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Hmm, while Kinktober might be out of my alley (I’m very bad at smut), small simple writing prompts may be the way to go for me, just to get something done.

        1. Writing anon*

          I’ve seen other people tag “Fictober”, which is a similar prompt-a-day tag but with less smut (or as much smut as you’re comfortable writing, I guess). Googling it brings up a few different prompt lists to choose from.

    2. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Oh man, the site just ate my comment, which is very frustrating. I hadn’t posted any yet, but it claimed I’d posted too many too quickly and that I need to slow down. :(

      The TLDR is that I’m not getting much fresh writing done, but that may change with time for two reasons. First, the darkness of winter may make my other hobbies (e.g. sewing) harder and second, I may be having trouble writing fresh stuff while editing another work with a friend.

    3. Rebecca Stewart*

      I decided to make 2021 the year that I get the story bashed into shape to send it to a publisher, and that includes the entire three generational story plus some side plots that showed up along the way, which I would like to get into enough shape that if the main book(s) sell, they could be standalones in the same universe.
      Til then I am doing a lot of background reading, occasionally making notes, and working on this year’s main project, which is losing weight (down 48 pounds!) and getting better food and general life habits. Like going to bed on time, getting up at a good hour, etc. All that will help my writing when I decide to make it a priority.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been working on worldbuilding; I found a very detailed guide online (look up “SFWA worldbuilding questions Patricia Wrede”) and have been using that as an outline to construct this world in my head. Most of it won’t go into the narrative, obviously, but it will help me put myself in the space.

      Now that a first revision is behind me, I can concentrate on my conlang, too. I need to go back and re-read the books y’all recommended.

    5. Anonymous*

      I told a friend about NaNo yesterday and now she wants to do it with me! I haven’t been this excited since… I can’t remember, but at least it’s the most excited I’ve been all year.

  12. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I went back to my childhood and did a bit of Pajama Sam: No Need to Hide When It’s Dark Outside. The nostalgia is real with the Humongous games. Also snagged Sherlock Holmes: The Devil’s Daughter for €5, so I’m currently installing that.

    1. IrishEm*

      I treated myself to Untitled Goose Game this week and I am utterly charmed.

      Still playing ESO for a few mins each day to claim daily rewards, but the daily rewards aren’t as good as they used to be.

      Debating rebooting Assassin’s Creed 2 or Brotherhood. I miss hanging out in Renaissance Italy with Ezio.

    2. Nicole76*

      I recently acquired a Nintendo Switch and and have been trying out a lot of games thanks to the local library’s huge collection.

      So far I really like:

      Penguin Wars – An updated version of a game I had for the original Gameboy. My husband and I like to battle each other. I’m thinking about buying it but it’s only available on eBay unless I purchase a digital copy which is currently on sale for $7.50. I prefer physical game copies and don’t know much about how downloaded Switch games work. My fear is losing access to the game in the future. Is there a way to store it on a memory card for safe keeping? Will it require access to Nintendo online to play? I need to research the answers to this unless someone already knows and can tell me.

      Paper Mario The Origami King – Usually I don’t like games that include a large story as part of the gameplay but this one is so cute I don’t mind it. So far it’s easy enough that I haven’t gotten frustrated and quit.

      If you couldn’t already tell, I’m not what many would consider a “gamer”. I’m not into really complicated games and go for the cuteness factor. My favorite game is Disney Tsum Tsum on my phone and I just bought a used copy of Angry Birds Star Wars for our PS4.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Normally what should happen is that once you bought it, you can redownload it as many times as you want, even if the specific game is taken down from the store (I suppose an exception would be games that pose serious security risks or something). You can, of course, grab one or more large enough microSD card(s) and have them all stored on there. But I totally get you regarding the physical preference, although in my case it’s more “I’m a collector/hoarder”. In that sense this current trend of “send out broken stuff on release date that requires a massive day 1 patch to actually work” hurts my soul.
        Also, we don’t gatekeep here, so you’re good :). If you only read Harlequin romances you’re still a reader, so why would someone who only goes for cute and/or non-complicated games not be a gamer?

        1. Nicole76*

          Thank you for the info; that makes me feel better about the idea of downloading a game, at least from the aspect of not losing access to it.

          I’m not sure if I consider myself a collector, but I do really like seeing a physical representation of things I own, such as video games, movies, and music. I still buy CDs for that reason.

          I keep mentally going back and forth about whether to buy Penguin Wars online for $7.50 or spend $20 and get a used copy from Ebay. Apparently Nintendo already stopped selling it in stores. It just came out in summer 2019 so I’m not sure if that’s the normal lifespan for a game or if it was just that bad to most people.

          1. LavaLamp*

            Jumping in a bit late, but 90% of my games are digital on the Xbox shared between 3 consoles (my dad’s bricked itself and I’m using an old one and lending him my one x). You don’t lose anything. Everything is in a cloud somewhere, SD cards, and external hard or solid state drives are your friends. Even with my dad’s Xbox dying, everything was there the second he signed in on mine.

          2. A.N. O'Nyme*

            The lifespan of a game kind of depends, really. Very popular first party Nintendo titles, for example, most likely won’t go out of print until the end of their consoles life cycle. A lot also depends on the store: I got the Switch version of a new game in a series I’m a fan of from one store because my local store didn’t even have the Switch version, but they’ll have the Switch version of the sequel, so a lot depends on what the store thinks can sell/if they even know it exists.
            I’ve also looked up Penguin Wars: one store I frequent flat-out doesn’t have it, for the other it’s apparently a pre-order (I’m in Europe).

      2. Holly the spa pro*

        I was really weary of downloading games also at first! I would definitely recommend getting a microSD card and saving your games to that, though ive never had an isue re-downloading games on Switch or PS4. And its nice to not have to worry about damaged disks and the like.

        If you purchase a nintendo online account you also get access to some NES and SNES games if that is something you are into.

        1. Jackalope*

          Yes, we discovered that there’s a huge collection of original Nintendo and super Nintendo games you can get on their website for the Switch.

    3. Bittersweet_silver*

      OMG Pajama Sam; Freddy the Fish and Putt-Putt Goes to the Zoo were our household jams!

      My partner got me started on Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle which started easy but now on world 3 really getting me thinking/trying different strategies.

    4. LDN Layabout*

      I am still obsessed with the Witcher 3 and haven’t touched my Switch in a month…

      I highly recommend the game though, especially since it’s fairly…dismissive of some gaming tropes (Geralt just wants to be a good dad).

      1. Smol Book Wizard*

        I know very little of the video games, but I’m slowly working my way through the novels and so have occasionally started seeking out clips on youtube, to get a visual interpretation. Geralt’s desire to be a Good Dad is common, as far as I can tell, throughout all the adaptations. Bless.

    5. Nynaeve*

      I finished What Remains of Edith Finch, chipped away at the yellow level of GRIS, and started Baba is You, which is a fun little puzzle game. Like IrishEm, I also bought Untitled Goose Game, but haven’t played it yet.

    6. Jackalope*

      A few months ago someone on here recommended Fire Emblem: Three Houses, and when I asked about it they recommended trying another tactics game first to see if I enjoy that sort of thing. My husband brought Final Fantasy Tactics into our marriage (a thing I didn’t know until that came up!), so I’ve been dipping my toe into that game. It was tiresome at first but now I’m starting to figure out more of what I’m doing, and my characters have leveled up enough that I’m not having TPKs so often (or close to TPKs). Much more fun that way! I haven’t decided yet if I like it yet but it’s intriguing enough that I’m going to keep playing for awhile to try it out.

      I’m still looking for a game with lovely Skyrim-like graphics and no dungeon crawls (and less killing people/things!); we’ll see if I can find one. I haven’t finished Skyrim’s main quest (I’m at a spot that requires a loooong dungeon and I just can’t yet), but I’ve been enjoying the side quests and wandering around in the wilderness.

      1. Stormfeather*

        So I actually just talked about Genshin Impact in my own response to the thread. I’d say maybe take a look at it and you may love it, or it may be totally not your thing (especially if you hate the “free to play” genre with microtransactions, although as I said in my post it’s definitely playable without paying, just a bit more frustrating waiting to try to get more “draws.”

    7. GoryDetails*

      Had another family Zoom D&D game today, with a really enjoyable melee. We (heavily-armed fighter and two mages) were helping a desert-clan mage/warrior to re-seal an evil portal, and we got to use nearly all of our various weapons, armor, spells, summoned creatures, healing abilities, and even the occasional deliberate plan. Fended off the impressively-high-hit-point baddies, kept the evil gate from opening while the desert-clan guy did his spells, and came out the other end with all wounds healed and a nice safe ward on the evil portal.

      For extra points: it was our group who’d inadvertently broken the seal in the first place, while exploring the ruins on our way to meet the desert tribe. We… kinda-sorta didn’t bother to tell them that…

    8. Stormfeather*

      I actually started Devil’s Daughter, and I know I played a fair bit of one of its predecessors and find it interesting… but I gotta admit one of the very early tasks you have to do in the game seriously put me off just out of annoyance, so I haven’t gotten very far in.

      This past week I’ve been playing Genshin Impact whenever I can for the most part since I find it totally addicting. It is unfortunately one of the “free” games with a ton of microtransactions to, for instance, try to get the specific characters you want with their Gacha system, but it is definitely playable free (I’ve gone ahead and chipped in 5 bucks for their “get a bit of free stuff every day” thing, figuring it’s not terrible to support the game anyhow, but have put my foot down to spending more on it RN). It’s a single player game, but with co-op available once you get to a certain point. It’s utterly gorgeous and has been compared a LOT to Breath of the Wild for the visuals and the open-world exploration, and has a ton of things to do, solve, explore, etc. Very fun, despite the “free to play” aspect. (I’m mostly playing on PC, with a character on a different server on PS4 that I’ve barely played, and it’s also available on IOS/Android, not sure what else).

      Other than that, I’ve been playing a bit of Among Us with friends and with friends of friends. Would like to play more but haven’t been able to find the groups for it yet. It is a simple game and yet stupidly addictive and fun, and already has people coming up with new “modes” for it that are basically rules you adhere to or whatever to twist the game around in weird and fun ways.

    9. SunshineDaisies*

      I got Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 for free and accidentally stayed up until 5 am playing in sandbox mode. I created an Alice in Wonderland section and a section in homage to Once Upon A Time, including a custom coaster that no one will ride.

    10. Finny*

      Ordered all the Shantae goodness from Limited Run Games. Awaiting the Shantae plushie that should ship sometime this month, and all the Shantae and the Seven Sirens stuff I ordered back in May, which will hopefully appear sometime this year. I cantvwait–2020 sucks, but it’s also The Year of Shantae, which is fantastic.

      Also having a ton of fun with Goblin Sword. And discovered Trollhunters: Defenders of Arcadia is horrible for my vision issues, despite my love of platformers–all the dark backgrounds and characters so small I can’t see them mean I promptly returned the game to EB and got my money back. Sad, as I’d really been looking forward to it.

  13. Anon for this*

    After much discussion my partner and I are likely to never have children. If it were solely down to me, I would want to try. My partner both doesn’t want kids and doesn’t think his depression would cope, which I understand.

    On a good day I’m happy with this decision, on a bad day I grieve the kids and grandkids I thought I’d have. (I know you don’t choose the latter :p).

    I’m at the age (early 30s) where people are starting to ask if we’re having kids and I’m looking for a bland enough answer that doesn’t make me want to cry (and doesn’t involve saying ‘I don’t want kids’). I’m young enough to say ‘not any time soon!’ but that won’t last forever.

    1. Lena Clare*

      When people ask you that question they’re asking you about your body and your sex life, both of which are none of theit business! so I’d be inclined to say something like “myob”, “wow, are you really asking me about my sex life?”, or something like that. This will shut down any future questions from the same people. However, if you don’t want to say those things, going with a cheerful “not yet! How’s your garden coming along?” might feel more polite to you, but be prepared for people to think that means they can push you on it.

      The only thing that worked for me was saying to a family member who repeatedly asked me when I was going to have children, “please stop, this subject is very upsetting for me and I may never have them even though I want them. I don’t want to be reminded of that every time you say it”. Ymmv.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Btw, I’m 46, and my ex and I split up because he didn’t want children and I did. I do not have kids and never will. Some days I still haven’t grieved for this. I’m sorry for your pain.

    2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      Many many sympathies on a hard situation.

      Some options:

      “That’s a personal matter and I’d rather not discuss it.” + change of subject

      “We’ve decided not to.” + change of subject

      “Your guess is as good as mine!” + change of subject

      “We haven’t decided.” + change of subject

      “Unless you get a birth announcement, please don’t ask about it.” + change of subject

      “Haha, you wouldn’t believe how many people are asking me this question right now, and it’s such a personal thing that I’m always surprised someone I’m not married to/partnered with thinks they get to know about it!” + change of subject

      “Oh, haven’t I shown you our baby photos?” [pulls up a picture of twin chimpanzees] “They have my nose, I think, but Reginald’s eyes.” + do not change the subject, absolutely insist that those chimpanzees are your precious babies, until the other person awkwardly changes the subject and then goes to warn other people not to ask you about this

      If the people asking are your relatives or coworkers, you can tell one trusted person about your decision and ask them to spread the gossip around so people know not to ask.

      Good luck!

      1. Lena Clare*

        “Haha, you wouldn’t believe how many people are asking me this question right now, and it’s such a personal thing that I’m always surprised someone I’m not married to/partnered with thinks they get to know about it!” + change of subject

        Omg this is brilliant.

        OP, all of DoAE’s suggestions are excellent!

    3. IrishEm*

      I hate this question. The best part of the pandemic is I don’t have to dodge the inveterate matchmaker auntie who thinks I’m a Sad Spinster waiting desperately for a Man to find me. That family has no idea I’m out as Ace and don’t want kids. And that’s fine for me, and by me. Your situation is tougher in a lot of ways because it’s such a raw wound. *hugs if you want them*

      When the subject of kids/mens comes up (and it always does, around Auntie) I just look at her and say I’d rather not discuss my sex life than you very much.

      When she presses (as these types of people inevitably do) with the “but who will look after you when you’re old?” I just roll my eyes and say it’s probably going to be the staff in whichever nursing home I go to.

      But wanting but not being able to have kids? That’s a pain I can’t understand. I hope you can grieve it with your partner and people aren’t too intrusive.

      1. jolene*

        What has being ACE got to do with not wanting kids? You don’t have to have sex to have a kid nowadays!

    4. Anonymous*

      I’m looking for a bland enough answer that doesn’t make me want to cry (and doesn’t involve saying ‘I don’t want kids’).
      This implies you still do want kids, in which case, are you triple dog sure this is the right decision for you?

      1. Anonymous*

        This wasn’t a kind or helpful comment.
        Deciding *with your partner* not to have kids does not equal not wanting them. It’s a difficult choice made due to specific circumstances, and what’s right is generally not easy. We have to respect the OP’s decision and answer the question asked, not stray off into second-guessing.

        1. sswj*

          Bah – I forgot that this machine doesn’t have my name saved.
          “Anonymous*
          October 3, 2020 at 7:04 am ” is me … sigh :/

          1. Workerbee*

            It may be a question coming from a sincere place of compassion and concern. It’s still not what the OP is asking for with the question, and has a lot of potential to derail.

            1. Anon for this*

              I’ve thought about it a lot and talked about it with close friends and I’m happy with my decision.

              Tbh one of the conversations I want to invite *least* is ‘are you sure you’re doing the right thing, maybe you should break up’ so… here’s a reminder that may happen.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I heard: “Well you will regret that decision!” I simply said, “If so, then that is MY burden to bear and has no effect on you.”
                Other times I went with, “Eh misery loves company?”. These were people who chronically complained about their kids for simply having kid-type behavior.
                My elders would get, “oh, okay then”, in a manner that said this subject was over.

                Life is a long series of trade offs. We forego one thing to have another thing. It is possible to be very cognizant of the trade off and yet still be very happy with the choice made. Meaning, we can grieve the road not traveled but still stay on our road of choice. You could simply say, “I am content with this decision.”

                I have hit a few forks in the road and I was very much aware that the decision at that fork would change the course of my life. There was a starkness to the moment. I dunno, like a super keen awareness of that I will never encounter this particular fork in the road again. I had to let go of one thing in order to have another thing, for [reasons] that other thing was more important to me. I did decide to make the best of the life I chose. I think that deliberate decision helped with the tears over the road not traveled.

                2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

                  Seconding the value of this “fork in the road” approach. For me those moments ring like a bell, and then the choice is made and one door closes and another opens. Knowing that I make those big decisions in that space of clarity helps with the grief over what I won’t have. It wouldn’t be a difficult decision if there weren’t things to value in both paths.

                  “I am content with this decision” is a great phrase.

      2. Shut it down*

        Did you know that there are more conditions in the universe than “I want kids [or, indeed, anything else important] and have decided to organize my life so I can have them” and “I don’t want kids”?

        I have one kid. I want more kids. Kid and I almost died during my high-risk pregnancy, and my spouse isn’t willing to risk it again. I am very sad that more kids aren’t in the cards for me. Sure, I *could* leave my partner and either find a new partner or have another baby on my own, but I would be more sad about that than I am about a future without the kids I imagine, so I don’t.

        Unsolicited advice is usually rude. Unsolicited advice on a topic about which you almost certainly know less than your interlocutor is foolish as well as rude. I’m sure this anon has thought from every angle about the best decision for her, because when you want a kid and it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen, there’s a period of time when that’s all. you. think. about. She writes she came to this decision with her partner “after much discussion.” I’m sure she’s considered it.

        Next time, you could consider not piling on to someone’s grief by trying to make them doubt themselves.

    5. nep*

      ‘Never know!’…*change of subject*
      (It would annoy the hell out of me to have people asking that. Jeeeez Louise, people. Just stop.)

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      I went with “it doesn’t seem to be in the cards right now. I’d rather not discuss it,” stated firmly and followed immediately by a change of subject. I ended up being surprised by a late baby, but prior to that I was the best auntie in the world to my friends’ kids as well as my actual nieces and nephews.

      1. Cathiecjr*

        I like this one. It implies that there could be a few different things going on (want to but can’t, don’t want to, mixed feelings, etc.) So you can avoid the automatic- “you’ll regret it.” The “I’d rather not discuss,” shuts down the follow-up that the ambiguity if the first part might otherwise lead to. Plus it does imply that there’s some hardship/emotions there that would be painful and inappropriate to pry into.

      2. Anon for this*

        I like this phrasing too (although a part of me feels guilty at hinting at fertility issues because… it’s *more* of a choice for me? Or something?). I have close friends who are planning to have kids as well as multiple siblings, so I’m hoping I get to be an auntie. Congratulations on your late baby!

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          Thank you! It was partly choice and partly fertility issues, but the whole thing was too complicated to go into in most conversations. My husband also has a chronic illness that takes up a lot of bandwidth, so we were on the fence about whether we could also handle a child. We decided against fertility treatments and had made peace with the decision. About 5 years after that, I discovered that I had neither a stomach bug nor early menopause!

      3. Eeeek*

        I think this is a good one! Some of the suggestions Here are a little over the top! “Why are you asking me about sex life!!!” Is just going to come off as unhinged

        1. allathian*

          Eh, I don’t know. Some people get a bee in their bonnet about this to the point that they don’t seem to realize that their questions and comments are inappropriate and unwelcome. It’s just a way to return the awkward and hopefully ensure that the person never brings this subject up in conversation with that person again.

    7. Germank106*

      Considering that this is a bit of a rude question and not really anyone’s business, you might just stick to a simple “No”. You also might want to talk with your partner and be open about your feelings. Lots of people with depression are parents, so he might have another reason why he does not want children.

      Incidentally I have 7 children and we were often asked “why do you have 7 children?”. My husband finally came up with the ultimate answer “Because we can’t afford a TV”. That shut most people up.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        My grandparents had 13 kids, and when people asked my grandpa why, he’d say, “We always lived by railroad tracks and they’d wake us up in the middle of the night, so…”

      2. Parenthetically*

        My brother, who has five kids, is known to respond with a remark about flunking high school sex ed.

      3. Anonymous*

        Before smart TV’s, you could use the kids as a remote control … Lessee, you have On, Off, Channel Up, Channel Down, Volume Up, Volume Down and Plug.

    8. Farther down the road*

      I am mid-40s, no kids. People have asked for 20 years. At some point you don’t mind making them uncomfortable, because the people asking after you have been married a while don’t know you very well or they wouldn’t ask. Nowadays, my favorite answer is: “No. This bloodline ends with me.” People are stunned to silence, and don’t know how to take it. Hilarious.
      Enjoy your life. No one’s life turns out exactly how they plan. But every day can still be beautiful.

    9. Washi*

      I think if your goal is to move the conversation along with as little discussion as possible, I think the key will be some variation of “Nope!” + IMMEDIATE SUBJECT CHANGE. Conversations are a little like throwing a ball back and forth; if you just say “that’s none of your business,” while it’s a totally fair response, it’s going to leave the other person not knowing what to say and therefore prone to continue putting their foot in their mouth. If you give them something else to work with, a halfway decent person will take the ball back and run with it, even if it’s a little awkward. “Nope! …Hey, isn’t that a beautiful tree?” = excellent.

    10. Thankful for AAM*

      I grieve the kids and grandkids I thought I’d have.
      I grieve them too. What I said varied on where I was in my grieving process but I always sort of separated my reality from what I said. I’m finding it hard to explain but for me, the answer varied on the person asking and my own feelings. I needed several go to answers in my pocket and my internal dialog was almost always, “this answer does not matter, it is only my shield.” Otherwise I got caught up in what ibwas saying and what it meant, how accurate it was, etc.

      And often my answer was, if I talk about that I will cry, *blank stare. For ppl who cared it made them stop the convo and not ask again, for the other people, it was a way to shoot the awkwardness right back at them. For the old lady aunts that would likely backfire.

      I have fertility issues and did get a surprise baby pretty quickly but then did not get pregnant again even with medical intervention. It took me a long time to grieve for the ones I did not have and now for grandchildren as my adult child has no plans to become a parent (I also get I cannot count on grandkids but I’m still sad not to have them).

    11. Jessie*

      I don’t know if this is helpful at all. It’s a bit extreme. My cousin has severe infertility and has tried to have children naturally and has tried through IVF. Her doctors told her that her chances are very low and it will most likely never happen. And she’s so blunt about it. I’ve never seen anyone go about it this way. She will literally tell people the moment she meets them. For example, when I introduced her to my friends once, she said “hey guys, I have a rescue dog that I want somebody to adapt, do any of you guys want him. I do a lot of rescue. I can’t have kids you see.” Or another time, at my son’s birthday she told one of my friends, “It’s so loud. I can’t handle kids. Thank God I’m infertile.” I don’t know if it’s a self-defense mechanism or she has been asked so many times, she just wants to get it out of the way. But most of the time, people are stunned and don’t say anything.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        It sounds like your cousin could use some sessions with a therapist to help her work through her emotions. That is pretty extreme, and frankly rude. I’m not going to go around asking random people if they want kids out of the blue, and to get a response like that is just screaming that there’s something going on.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I mean, considering it can be a loaded subject for many, yeah I’d say it’s rude to lay down something unnecessarily heavy during a very lightherated and completely unrelated exchange. Don’t ask someone to bear the brunt of the emotional labor of navigating that if they were just asking about your dog.

    12. Long drives*

      We married in our 20s and I got that question for 20 years. “We like the life we have,” worked well. Maybe I was lucky, but I don’t remember anyone pushing beyond that. Now when I meet people I hear, “Do you have kids?” to which I pivot, “No, but I have two dogs. Do you have any pets?” Works like a charm.

      If it’s helpful: I really like little kids and if I’d chosen another partner, I might be a mother. But now, nearing 50, I have a great life and can say I have no regrets.

      1. A313*

        I like your answer a lot, *“No, but I have two dogs. Do you have any pets?”*. The info is out there and immediately moved on from with an innocuous question to the other person — perfect!

      2. Anonymous*

        Yes, love this! The perfect conversational segue.

        Are you planning to have kids? No, but after all this crazy corona is gone, we’re planning to do a big trip to Morocco and Egypt! Where’s the last place you traveled?

        1. AnonCF*

          I tried that answer once and got “Traveled? You really DON’T have kids! That’ll stop once they come along! *knowing wink*”

          Some people will really assume their life choice rules ANY topic, so keep that in mind. When I encounter those types, I just ask about their kids.

    13. Anonymous*

      I have a dog, so for me it’s easy to say “only the 4-legged kind!” That usually does the trick.
      FWIW I have a good friend that always thought she would have kids, and married a man who was adamantly against it. I think it’s better that both partners going into the marriage are honest about what they can and can’t bring into the relationship. I think at first she waivered because it’s a big deal to commit to it, but I can tell you ~10 years in they seem really happy. She’s said that she knew what she was getting into and she appreciated that he made it her choice, rather that saying maybe, or whatever, only to later to be in the firm no category.

    14. Anon Lawyer*

      Arabic has a perfect answer for this – inshahallah. If God wills it. It can mean a lot of things. You can adopt a lot of versions of this for your culture. “We’ll see” is a simple one.

    16. Wishing You Well*

      When people ask if I have kids, I say, “No. How about you?” That usually gets them talking – at length – about themselves. If people ask,”Are you having kids?”, a good answer is “If I have any news, you’ll be the first to know.” (even if you’ll never have news and they’d be the last to know!) Then change the subject.
      I hope better days are ahead for you.

    17. PollyQ*

      IMO questions about family planning like that are unacceptably intrusive, and the sooner we can get everyone on board with the idea that it’s as rude to ask that as it would be to ask a casual acquaintance how much they earn, the better society will be.

      So, I would say you’re fine to push back a little on the questioner for asking, rather than feeling like you have to come up with some way to describe your choice. A small quizzical headshake followed by “That’s an awfully personal question, don’t you think?” or “I prefer not to discuss such personal matters” or “Why do you need to know?” are all appropriate responses.

      (And my sympathies to you for the difficult situation you’re in. I’m sure nothing about it is easy.)

    18. My Brain Is Exploding*

      A couple of thoughts…1. is it ok to ask someone you are just getting to know (of any age!) if they have kids, as long as you follow their lead? (If they said no, I would not ask further questions!) 2. Same issue here but we are of grandparenting age and it is doubtful that we’ll have any. People do ask if we have grandkids. Nope. I don’t mind the ask. But not the follow ups of “why not?” (“IDK, not my business”) or “oh, wait until you do, they’re so wonderful…”

      1. Double A*

        I think for most people, “Do you plan to have kids?” is totally a small talk question, and a small talk answer will suffice. Most people won’t blink at “Nope!” or “Not sure!”

        And the question “Do you have kids?” is definitely a small talk question and reading rudeness into it is…ungenerous. And again, a breezy yes or no is all most people are looking for.

        I definitely understand why it can be a painful question, it’s been a painful question for me at points when I knew I wanted kids but had no idea if it would happen. But I’ve noticed a lot of people here think it’s inherently rude to ask about and…I just disagree.

        If someone starts talking about how you’ll regret it or you’ll just love it once you have them, that’s a great sign they’re looking to talk about themselves and your can easily pivot the conversation to their kids/grandkids.

        1. Aza*

          It’s such an awful question. It’s caused me so much pain in the past and I’ll never ask someone this.

          If they bring it up, great! Otherwise, never.

      2. JustEm*

        As someone dealing with infertility, I am fine with people asking if I have kids, but definitely not intrusive follow up questions if it’s someone I’m not close with. I often volunteer “no, but I hope to.” The least helpful thing is unsolicited advice!! A vacation or my relaxing will not fix my husband’s abnormal sperm…

        1. allathian*

          Yikes, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.
          I hope they’re not asking the reason for your fertility problems, or if they do, that you’re able to shut them down without telling them the real reason. Or you’ll hear suggestions about “why don’t you do IVF with donor sperm” or “if he’s the problem, divorce him and make sure the next man you marry has a good sperm count”, as if the only reason you married your husband was to have his kids!

    19. Shut it down*

      “I wish we could!” said cheerfully is my go-to, which shuts things down hard and effectively. On occasions when I can’t say it cheerfully, I use a flat “nope” and change the subject immediately.

    20. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’m older than you but for various reasons never had kids. I just generally say “well, it just never happened” because I don’t want to get into a tedious discussion about my health, my ambivalence towards kids, my concerns about the world, etc etc. If they pry more they are being rude.

    21. Aza*

      I’ll preface this by saying I hateeeee questions like this and have historically found myself freezing like a deer in the moment and later coming up with the perfect response. I hate how these can just come out of nowhere and take my breath away. I’m sorry people suck. No one should ever ask you if you plan to have kids unless you bring it up. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with it. I privately struggled with infertility and found these types of questions crippling.

      I like “Wow, that’s really personal!” Or, “wow, what a question!”

      I found it helpful to practice some responses aloud.

      And I’ve also shut these kinds of questions down when I’ve heard others ask them of other people. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you find peace.

    22. Esmeralda*

      “My, that’s a mighty personal question, isn’t it? So, how about that SPORTS TEAM NAME game last weekend?”

      People who are persistent: Return awkward to sender: “I’m not interested in talking about it, that’s why I’m changing the subject. So, how about that SPORTS TEAM NAME game last weekend?”

      People who STILL persist? “Wow, that’s so rude” and walk away.

      BTDT.

  14. Myrin*

    I’d love to hear some fun little (often useless, often not) things you guys are good at! I’ll go first:

    I’m very good at telling whether something is lopsided or not. I don’t need a bubble level to discern at one glance if a picture frame is right or if a piece of furniture is standing in the right angle compared to the wall, I can see it immediately and very precisely.

    I’m also very good a figuring out why exactly two people are talking past each other. I encounter this situation pretty regularly, where two or more people are talking about something but somehow neither side ever spelled out what exactly they’re refering to and for some reason, it never crosses any of their minds that they might simply be talking about different things. I’ve diffused many a situation by simply saying “Hey Carl, I think you’re talking about A while Dave is talking about B, is that correct?”.

    Looking forward to your responses!

    1. Lena Clare*

      Oooo I love this! I have good colour vision! love putting colours together that other people think won’t go, but then are amazed that it looks good afterwards.
      I get a real kick out of that. When I was decorating my front room my family were like teal and yellow will never go well together, and guess what they love it now.

    2. Director of Alpaca Exams*

      It’s amazing how many dishes I can fit in a dishwasher, in such a way that they all come out clean.

      I’m generally good at spatial relations; I know which piece of furniture can be moved where to within an inch’s clearance, and I can squeeze through narrow spaces despite not being very narrow myself.

      1. Turtlewings*

        You are a Packmaster! Two of my sisters are like this; when packing the car for long trips (which is quite a lot of luggage when you’re a family of 7 with multiple pets), they can just Tetris it all in there when I would have given up long ago. Packmaster abilities are very valuable.

    3. Grace*

      Secret useless superpowers!

      My former housemate’s useless superpower was that he never measured anything when doing bulk cooking (big batches of chili, Bolognese etc) and yet it always, without fail, ended up fitting perfectly into his big Tupperware with no room to spare.

      I’m not sure what mine is. Maybe convincing myself so hard that things aren’t lost that I find them? Lost my ID a while ago and knew I’d probably thrown it away along with the envelope it had been in, but told myself so much that “it’ll turn up” that it did.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Mine is finding lost things. For other people; not myself. My kids learned when they couldn’t find something to ask me and I would usually find it within five minutes. (My husband on the other hand, still stubbornly holds out.) Now for myself? I am still missing a cell phone that went MIA about six years ago.

    4. Anonymous*

      I’m pretty good at seeing whether or not things will fit somewhere, such as “will this closet fit through that doorway”. That only works when I can actually see the items in question though, I’m horrible at estimating distance/size. Similarly, I actually need a ruler near me to see how big “5x25cm” or whatever is. And of course, as I don’t use inches screen sizes are just confusing to me. Sure, I know my laptop’s screen size, but I have no idea what increment “an inch” is so I have no idea how much bigger a 20 inch screen is compared to a 15 inch screen.
      I also have the amazing gift of being able to fall asleep pretty much wherever within 5 minutes. It’s not really a deep sleep – other people can tell I’m clearly sleeping but at the same time I’m still kinda aware of what is happening around me? I don’t know what to call that. It’s still pretty refreshing, though.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Woops, somehow didn’t get my screen name on there. Looks like it defaults to anonymous if you don’t fill in that field.

      2. Anonymous*

        Ooh, I’d love to be able to see whether things fit, since I am the exact opposite. I cannot for the life of me measure anything by eye, and I’ve bought too many things which are obviously too small or too big for the space, so I compulsively measure things out beforehand – like furniture – and keep notes on my phone.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Oh I still measure things out exactly when I go out to buy things, but if you’re moving stuff around and want to move something into a different room or to a different spot in the room (or if your purchase has been delivered and now needs to go to its designated spot) I’m very accurate in seeing whether or not it’ll fit. In my closet/doorway example, I need to be able to actually see the doorway and closet. I’m pretty accurate then, whenever I’m off it’s usually only by a couple of millimetres.

      3. MommaCat*

        So, in regards to inches, if your hand is close to average-sized, then your index finger is about 3 inches long, with the distance between each knuckle being in the neighborhood of one inch. And when I spread my fingers out as far as they go, the distance between the top of my thumb and the tip of my pinkie is 8” (for my husband, it’s 9”). Obviously, don’t use these measurements for anything exact, but that can help you get a basic idea of sizing.

    5. Helvetica*

      Such a fun question! I have some great ones:
      * I can pick up a book by an unknown author in a bookshop and just by the title and cover, and a brief flip through, will know if I’d like it. It has never failed me.
      * I have excellent colour vision, i.e. I see so many shades, especially for those inbetween colours like blue-green spectrum, and sometimes it seems unbelievable how differently other people see those variations.
      * If I wonder “How’s Mary doing?”, I will inevitably bump into her in a completely random place. So if I ever want to bump into someone, I only have to think of them and they shall appear soon.
      * And my most useless superpower – I am excellent a spotting romantic interest between two people, either one- or two-sided but I am terrible at recognizing such romantic interest in me, which I’d much rather have.

    6. PX*

      Ooh, I love your skill of seeing people talk past each other! I’ve had that in the past with two friends and it was so odd to see – although theirs was more of a personality mismatch than just misunderstandings.

      Not sure I have one, although I have a pretty decent memory and can on occasion find my way in cities which I’ve only visited once years before!

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Eight times out of ten, if I have an alarm set, I will wake up ten minutes before it goes off. This is juuust unreliable enough that I still set the alarm.

      This isn’t something I control, but any time I walk into a zoo or animal park, all the otters (if there are any) fall asleep and some pair of animals will commence attempting reproduction on exhibit. :-P

      2. RebelwithMouseyHair*

        “This is juuust unreliable enough that I still set the alarm.”
        Thing is, if you don’t set the alarm you can’t wake up before it goes off!

    8. Michelle*

      Well, I’m not sure if it is a super power, but I can brainstorm lists. When I anticipate a scenario, my brain just seems to start working on the problem and automatically downloading ideas for what needs to be taken care of, packed, scheduled, etc. down to the minutia. You want to run a book sale? My brain has a list for that. Taking your kid to a sports tournament? My brain has a list for that too. How about a family picnic at the park? I’ve got you covered. Outfitting your RV? Looking for gift ideas? Wondering what to store in your medicine cabinet? Anticipating a winter storm? Yep, yep, yep, and yep!

      I get so frustrated by lists I have found online for various things. They are rarely/never detailed enough for me. If you look up a standard party list, it will include things like paper plates, cups, napkins, centerpiece, decorations, and ice, but my brain’s party list includes things like sharpie markers for writing names on cups, containers to send leftovers home with guests, balloon weights, extra toilet paper, playlists by theme, matches for candles, and emptying the medicine cabinet before guests arrive. It is almost a game for me to brainstorm a list for something new or upcoming, and then if possible, start an online search to see if I can find any other items to add to my list that I perhaps haven’t considered.

    9. Hotdog not dog*

      I see shapes and colors differently than most people. I will know automatically if a color will match an item that is home in my closet or if the size and shape of something will fit/look nice with other items I’ve seen but are not currently in front of me. It also happens with letters, so if I’ve ever seen a word written out I can always spell it correctly. When I was a child I was not allowed to compete in my school’s spelling bee. Because I never spelled a word wrong they were sure I was cheating, but all I had done was read the study list once. Now that spell check exists, this is not a useful superpower!

      1. ParkingWoman is a silly superhero name*

        There, they’re, their, spelling is still useful. AI just doesn’t do conext yet.
        I used to say my superpower was finding a parking space. This was much more impressive living in San Francisco than it is living in rural New England.
        My Kryptonite unfortunately is still on full display … I pick the wrong check out line every time. If someone’a going to lose a credit card, it will be someone in line ahead of me. Don’t get behind me unless we’re in the bank teller line.

      2. Jen*

        That’s such an awesome superpower! I’m the opposite – I can be looking at a piece of furniture and not be able to picture it in the other corner of the room.

      3. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Sorry but I am so outraged on your behalf at why the school would do that. That’s terrible!

    10. Foreign Octopus*

      I am excellent at skinning gammon.

      When I was eighteen, I had a job working at a deli that required gammon skinning every shift and I can get the perfect fat-to-meat ratio every time. It’s been 12 years but I’m the go-to gammon skinner at Christmas and it’s something I quite enjoy because people don’t expect it from me.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Foreign Octopus,
        I tried googling it but cannot quite figure out what skinning gammon means. It seems gammon is raw pork? Are you taking off the skin? But perfect fat to meat ratio seems to imply something else?

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          The gammon I typically skin has been boiled first so everything’s cooked. It’s the sort of gammon you’d have as cold cuts for Christmas dinner, I suppose. The way it’s normally cooked is that it’s boiled in the skin to keep everything tender and in one shape so it has to cool first before I come at it with my knife and the perfect fat-to-meat ratio is the white bit left over at the end so it doesn’t dry out.

          Sorry for the confusion and I’m really curious what your search history is looking like now!

          1. Thankful for AAM*

            I use duck duck go as my search engine and browser on my phone so technically I have no search history!

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Near as I can tell, gammon is salted/brined ham, cook before preparing. One website said Virginia ham, but I’ve never heard that term either!

    11. LemonWhirl*

      Finding public toilets is my superpower. More difficult to pull off these days, but in any establishment, it’s like I have a homing instinct about where the toilets are.

    12. Valancy Snaith*

      I can fold a fitted sheet so neatly that it is virtually indistinguishable from a flat sheet, and do so in under 30 seconds or so.

      Thanks to a stint working in an ice-cream shop as a teenager, I can scoop perfect photo-quality balls of ice cream.

      Not me personally, but my husband can rip an apple in half using his bare hands. It’s a fun party trick.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        I can also fold a fitted sheet and have no idea why so many find it difficult!

        On the other hand, I’m a librarian but am terrible at searching my Outlook mail for half remembered emails.

    13. Buni*

      I’m an awesome catch*. I throw like a drunk octopus, but I can pluck an object out of mid-air with two fingers while doing three other things. All those ninja films where something is thrown at the side of someone’s head and they catch it without even looking? C’est moi.

      er, as in physical, not matrimonial…

    14. Anonymous*

      My favorite activity is to challenge myself to recognize a celebrity just by voice- i.e. they’re doing a commercial voiceover or in an animated movie. I’ve gotten pretty good!

      1. beancat*

        Ooooh, mine is similar! If I’ve heard a voice actor in something, chances are I’ll recognize them in any subsequent role. It’s funny how many times we’ll be watching something and I can just pick the VA out with only a single line. “Hi Steve Blum!” “Oh, that’s Travis Willingham!” “Heeeey, Stephanie Sheh!”

    15. GoryDetails*

      (Try, try again – apologies if this is a duplicate. Screen name GoryDetails.)

      Ah, the minor-superpowers! I envy some of the ones already listed – my own tend towards trivia/information, which can be annoying (when I romp away with the win in Trivial Pursuit) or helpful (when I can “name that book!” from a vague description or a title-keyword and cover-color. [Librarians and bookstore workers often have this talent, so perhaps it’s not one of the more rare ones.]

      A friend of mine has find-a-parking-space karma – it’s truly amazing; drive down a crowded Boston street and a parking space will open up just as she gets to her destination.

      [Will post a reply to this with a link to All My Friends are Superheroes, a very funny book about mundane talents as superpowers, as the posts-with-links seem to take longer to show up than those without. If I can post at all, that is; I already got a “you’re posting too quickly, slow down” message!]

      1. GoryDetails*

        OK, that worked – but this time I (a) used an incognito window, and (b) filled in my screen-name field *before* trying to post the comment. Not sure which one helped the most. Anyway, if this reply works, it’ll have a link to my BookCrossing copy of All My Friends are Superheroes by Andrew Kaufman ( https://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/14829958/ ), with my comments in the reply.

        Among the superpowers: The Couch Surfer, who is “not only able to withstand long periods of acute poverty but is also able to nutritionally sustain himself with only handfuls of breakfast cereals, slices of dry bread and condiments. Mysteriously always has cigarettes.”

      2. PhyllisB*

        Yes, I forgot about the trivia superpower. When we used to play Trivial Pursuit my brother-in-law always wanted to partner with me. I can’t remember what I walked into the kitchen for but I can remember some obscure fact that no one cares about.
        My kids used to tell me I needed to try out for the gameshow Million Dollar Pyramid. I said no, because get me in front an audience and I would do good to remember my name.

    16. I don’t like to brag but...*

      My useless superpower is a really keen sense of time. I’ll be in a room without a clock- ask me what time it is and my guess is nearly always within 5 minutes. I guess my internal clock is strong!

    17. Llama face!*

      I can find four leaf clovers with a glance. As a child I had a collection of over 100 four leafers, several five leafers, and one mutant that was 3 clovers conjoined so it effectively became an 8 leaf clover (would have been nine but two of the leaf lobes were also conjoined). This is part of having a really good eye for things that break patterns.

      Sort of related to that, I can also easily notice wordplay opportunities in people’s names. I’ve joked with friends about starting a baby name review service so they can run names by me before giving their child Extremely Awward Initials or the like.

      And I also can notice the same as you, Myrin, when other people are talking past each other. However, I don’t always see it if I’m one of the participants (which would be very useful).

    18. Stephanie*

      This is fun!
      I have an excellent color memory. I can tell if something in a store is the same color as something at home in my closet. I’m a very good gift wrapper–I had a couple of jobs where that was one of my duties. I can fit more dishes in the dishwasher than anyone else in the house. After having an accident-pone greyhound, I’ve gotten very good at bandaging cuts on my dogs.

    19. Jen*

      Through my job, I’ve become very good at understanding writing that makes little sense or is riddled with typos. I sometimes “translate” texts for friends.

    20. NRG*

      I have two
      (1) I can detect the smell of bananas at very low concentrations or mixed with other smell. Someone in the building had a banana? I can smell it.
      (2) I am good at giving people “ear worms” (Song stuck in your head )

      1. Buni*

        Oh, I can do (1) as well! But in my case it’s because I absolutely loathe bananas, and the neighbour three doors down cracking one open can make me heave; I’ve had to change train carriages, leave shops etc…

    21. Anonymous*

      I have good visual reasoning — alignment and levelness, pattern, color compatibility, color memory — but not sense of volume!

      I can remember sequences of numbers easily. My mom has this one, too.

      My verbal skill is that I’m good at coming up with mnemonics.

    22. Cruciatus*

      I actually was thinking about this recently…I have two I can think of.

      The first is that I always know when the oven timer is about to go off. I always stand up and head back into the kitchen just as it goes off. Doesn’t matter if it’s 7 minutes or an hour and 20 minutes. I’m not keeping track any other way (that I’m conscious of). My brain is always just like “it’s time.”

      The other is I always know how many steps I’ve taken in a day. I’ve had a Fitbit for a very long time now so I just know how active I’ve been on a certain day, whether going to the store and moving around that way, or having a lazy day at home. I know within a few hundred steps what my total is at the point I’m checking.

      1. Animus*

        My minor superpower is sometimes great, sometimes not: I can see how people feel. I am almost always right. (I tested that out with people I trust/trust me.) That makes me a great sales person, because I can basically tell if someone likes my suggestions or not without asking them, but is also very, very grating on me, because I feel like I have to accomodate everyone. I recently met someone with the same thing, and THAT got annoying fast, because we would say good morning and then ask each other why we are so happy/calm/unhappy/close to tears/stressed etc .

    23. Anon5775*

      I can tell actor’s voices in commercials too. I also am talented at finding the weird thing – so like I’ll be spot checking something at work totally randomly and I’ll find the errors that others can’t – it just seems I can stumble across the weird things that will cause problems later. I can also see patterns that others don’t seem to, in work problems , like in fabric patterns. I ALWAYS wake up before my alarm clock, but something like 90 min is too long and I’d definitely prefer 5 min. I’d love to know if others have this thing: when bringing memories to mind I usually remember where I was sitting, what direction I was facing, that kind of thing. Do others have this?

      1. CJM*

        Yes! My memories are all about orientation — just as you describe. And I’m nearly always keenly aware of how I’m oriented, so any directions I give are full of “to the north of X,” etc. I’m surprised that some people don’t think like that even a little. Maybe I swallowed magnets as a kid and know due north at all times?

        1. Director of Alpaca Exams*

          I also remember myself in relation to objects, spaces, and directions. My spatial memory is so strong that if I’ve been somewhere once, especially if I walked there or took public transit, I can get there again from the same starting point ten years later. It’s been almost 15 years since my partner and I visited Tokyo, but if you put me down in front of the ryokan where we stayed, I could confidently lead you to the place with the godly dumplings, and I’m fairly sure I could also find the restaurant that served us crunchy deep-fried fish spine and the shop where I bought my mother a vegetable twirler. (It was a lot harder to get Japanese kitchen tools in America 15 years ago.)

          I have an excellent sense of direction… in the Northern Hemisphere. When I visited Australia, I got turned around 90 degrees—yes, 90, not 180! I thought east was north, north was west, and so on. It was profoundly disturbing and I was so glad to come home to where directions work properly.

    24. NeonFireworks*

      I have perfect pitch. I don’t talk about it much, since it makes people go wide eyed and say “oh wow!” because it is rare and supposed to be semi-magical. I would say it’s a bit fun but a nearly completely useless superpower, and also has downsides. The only times it is truly helpful are when transcribing music or trying to identify a classical work. I do work in an area adjacent to music (think audio production), but I don’t often have to do either of those tasks, and even if I did, relying on my brain would be more of a shortcut than a path to unique solutions. There are also downsides. Hearing anything in a different key from the usual feels like it ruins it. On the level of aesthetic appeal, I do enjoy being able to hear keys, but I also get hung up on the “personalities” of different ones, which is completely subjective. And most Western music is not at all about that. Plus I dislike the elitist attitudes that people have about it.

      1. Tau*

        Fellow perfect pitch person and yeah, it is weird how much of a fuss people make about it, isn’t it? I’d categorize it as more of a party trick than some great fundamental secret to understanding music or idk people get really hung up on this for some reason.

        And agreed about the downsides – I had to leave a choir once because a few weeks before the concert the director noted, as an aside, that the key we’d been rehearsing in all this time wasn’t actually the key we’d be singing in, it was just what we had sheet music for. And this was something that happened frequently, he liked changing keys for some reason. But hey, it doesn’t matter, it’s not like any of you us have perfect pitch and would have to frantically mentally transpose everything throughout the whole concert, right?

        …OK, I’m still a little bitter.

        1. Jackalope*

          I don’t have perfect pitch but even I would find that difficult. You get used to singing things at a certain pitch with the notes at a certain point in your range and then when it changes you have a whole new relationship with the song. My choir director did that with one song a year or two ago only a couple of practices in (since it was in a key that most of the group found very rough), and it was much harder to learn the second time even though it was a much better key for my range.

        2. NeonFireworks*

          I would be too! I once got an invitation to do some work with a period recording group, and turned it down when I realized I’d make mistakes (e.g. assume a piece was in A major when it was actually being played in period B-flat) and also it would drive me bananas.

      2. Sleepless*

        I have pretty close to perfect pitch. It just means that if a musician is even the slightest bit out of tune, I make a horrible cringe face that everybody around me can see. It doesn’t really have an upside.

    25. lily*

      I’ve got two!
      First being I’m very good at reading people. It’s not something I realize I’m doing, so I’ve only recently discovered that everyone doesn’t do this. I’ll have an interaction with someone, especially with friends of friends, and then be able to describe that persons personality, with shocking accuracy. I will even get some of the reasons behind how they act. All from how they talk, what stories they’ve said, how they react to things. I don’t fully understand it, so I’m not sure what else plays into it. It’s fascinating and a little eerie.
      Second is directions, if I’ve been somewhere, I can do it again. Most of the time I can reverse it and get home from wherever I’ve gone too. Very useful.

      1. PhyllisB*

        On the directions thing, I’m the exact opposite. I can get somewhere but a lot of times can’t remember the reverse directions. Isn’t there a name for that problem?

      2. D3*

        The directions one is me, too! doesn’t matter if it’s been 20 years and is in an area I’ve never lived in or been to since, I can totally find that one house we went to for dinner with a friend of a friend. (As long as they haven’t made major changes in the layout of the streets. The one and only time I struggled was in a city where the formerly two way streets were all made one way streets and a new expressway had gone in.)

    26. Tau*

      I have an absurdly good memory for sequences of random information, especially numeric. I’ve memorized every single credit card number I’ve ever had without actively trying, and not only do I always win those “repeat what the person before you said and add a piece of information, drop out if you say something wrong” games, I’ve been known to still be able to rattle off the full sequence two months after the fact.

      The annoying thing is that I seem to have a really bad memory for experiences – it is frightening to me how much of my childhood is a blur. All things considered, I’d probably go with the latter option if I had to choose.

    27. Paperwhite*

      I’m good at modifying recipes. For example, if a recipe is Chicken With Mushrooms and someone I’m feeding hates mushrooms I not only can take the mushrooms out but figure out how to adjust the flavors and sub in another vegetable. Which is a really simple example — the times I’m proud of this ability is when someone wants me to make sugar free cookies or to make a muffin recipe that calls for dried fruit when all we have is fresh fruit (just tossing in fresh fruit will waterlog the muffins).

    28. Pam*

      I am a very fast reader, and have a good visual memory for things on pages. (Helps in knowing the 12 million rules at my university)

    29. Jules the 3rd*

      Good at fitting stuff in / packing (though bad about doing that with my body)
      Can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue; fastest time was 6 seconds.

      1. willow for now*

        I can do the cherry stem too! I try to order drinks that come with stemmed cherries, and when I start having trouble tying the stem, it’s time to stop drinking!

    30. Mephyle*

      I can tell how strong an earthquake is within two-tenths on the Richter scale. This is even more surprising since for the first 40 years of my life I lived in a region where earthquakes are so rare that I never felt one in those 40 years.

      In classical art, I can recognize St. Jerome at any stage of his life (young and plump or old and gaunt) and any period of painting, with or without his symbolic accompaniments (lion, skull, etc.) This of course wouldn’t be remarkable if I had any familiarity with saints or education in classical art, so I note that I didn’t.

    31. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Almost ashamed to say powerpoint – I can turn any confused mess of half-thoughts into a well-reasoned visual story that is easy to read and understand. And I love doing it too!

      I also have weird intuitive moments – last year a few days before Halloween I was closing my locker at work and I had a very very strong sense that it was going to be a long time before I would open it again. I was headed home as I wasn’t feeling very well, one thing led to another and I haven’t been back to the office since. Earliest is maybe next spring!

    32. MacGyver*

      One of my superpowers is spatial relations. I always know what direction I’m going in and where I am in relation to other things, even in a city I’ve never visited before. And I can pack a moving truck easily and safely, and with balanced weight. (Not doing all the schlepping myself, though!)

      Another one is what I call macgyvering. If an essential item is missing, I can make a good and functional substitute out of completely unrelated materials found around most anyone’s home.

      Also trivia.

    33. Sleepless*

      I have an odd talent for making things flow when serving meals to a large group of people. I was pretty useful back when church and Cub Scouts were a big part of my life, and they are no more.

    35. Anonymous*

      It’s a bit odd but when I am in a grocery store and I choose to do this I can add up in my head my total price as I go along choosing items. It’s kind of like an automatic adding machine but more ethereal than substantial. Yet when I get to the register I know, almost always within one dollar, how much I have spent. I have no idea how I came to have this ability because while my basic math skills are strong anything much beyond that is not something I understand. And don’t even talk to me about triangles or pi. (Pie is okay, though.)

      I am also an expert layperson on nonverbal communication. My boss sometimes depends heavily on my opinion once he realized how right I usually am. But I like noting nonverbals not as much in people as in places like stores, streets, architecture, homes, advertising and more. It’s a fascinating field.

    36. Anonymous*

      I’m great at identifying actors who play Star Trek aliens. A lot of the actors play different characters of different species across different series, or even the same series! The actor who played the Ferengi Brunt also played Weyoun in DS9.

    38. Summersun*

      I worked in a jewelry store for 8 years. I’m really good at eyeballing gemstones to estimate the carat weight and clarity. This is not a good party trick when surrounded by insecure social climbers.

    39. TechWorker*

      Mine is dull – I am a very fast reader. I read every word and every line… but I don’t really know how because if I for instance sound out the sentences in my head I am *way* slower (I remember my teacher when I was about 10 being like ‘do you read multiple lines at once?’ – I have no idea :))

      For fiction books I also tend to forget details fairly quickly, even I understood and enjoyed the whole storyline I can’t necessarily tell you what happened. I guess folks who read more slowly probably have better recall :)

      I’ll share two of my friends are they are more entertaining and things he is ‘proud‘ of :p:

      – being able to start a round of applause
      – being able to guess the size in ml/g of a food item without looking. Near pointless – but fun to test :p

    40. retirement is all it's cracked up to be*

      Regarding the seeing two people talking past each other, any time I’m asked at a wedding to give advice to the couple, I say something like ‘before you get too far into an argument, stop and make sure you’re talking about the same thing.’ It may have happened to me and my husband of 45 years a time or two….it’s good life advice in general.

    41. Elf*

      Are you me? Seriously, this is my exact skillset! (I’m very good at spatial things generally in addition to knowing if things are lopsided/level, for example knowing if a piece of furniture will fit in a space without measuring)

    42. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      Mine are boring: my eye goes straight to any typo, and, a little less boring, I’m good at food analogies. Not so much what ingredients are in something, but I can identify what unrelated food the thing I’m tasting tastes like (once had a beer that tasted exactly like barbecue Lays, for instance).

      I’m way impressed by the two people I’ve met who have a photographic memory of people they met once months ago. I knew one person who told me
      what I had been wearing the first time she met me a year before (and we didn’t cross paths again for a year). After we were friends she told me that she doesn’t reveal her ability in casual situations because it weirds people out.

    43. allathian*

      Interesting. Do you also get an urge to fix lopsided pictures in other people’s homes, like Hercule Poirot?

      The only thing I can think of is that I’m the opposite of dyslexic in that when I’m learning a new language, I need to see a word written down once and I can spell it forever afterward, including things like diacritical marks or umlauts, even if I forget the meaning of the word. This is true for languages that use the Latin alphabet, I haven’t attempted to learn Greek, Hebrew, or any of the languages using the Cyrillic or Arabic alphabets, never mind any of the Asian pictograph languages. The downside of this is that I frequently have to remind myself that just because someone’s a bad speller doesn’t mean they’re stupid, incompetent, or lazy, it just means that they can’t spell.

    44. Blue Horizon*

      I can listen to a long and detailed explanation of a complex topic and then summarize it perfectly and succinctly in a single sentence. I can’t do it all the time, but I do it often enough that I’ve developed a reputation for it.

  15. Paperdill*

    I’m having a “What Do I Wear??” crisis.
    I’m working as a nurse in a drive-through Covid clinic in a car park, and has just been promoted to team leader.
    Because I am a casual employee, I’m not provided with or expected to wear scrubs. Most of us are in PPE most of the day, so uniform doesn’t really matter anyway.
    Management were happy for us to wear whatever we wanted as long as it was warm enough in the winter and we had comfortable shoes. I was in cargo pants and a long sleeve t-shirt and a sloppy joe (a “sweater“ for you Americans), but this feels a little too casual now I’m team leader of the whole sight and have to be the “person in charge” answering fiddly questions or listening to complaints, needing to deal with visiting agencies etc. (plus it’s getting hotter, now spring is here).
    What can I wear that is a little bit smart looking but goes with my chunky comfortable sneakers and is going to be light enough now that warmer weather is upon us?
    (Note: don’t wear PPE unless I’m going to a patient, as I’m running to storerooms, doing the admin stuff, checking staff between stations etc.)

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      Some sort of a jacket or Chanel style cardigan? I mean the sort which look more structured.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Yes this. I heard a tip on a fashion podcast once where the stylist said that the number one thing you can do to polish your look is a nice jacket/blazer/cardigan or some such layering piece. I have a really nice blazer/ jacket from Eileen Fisher and I swear it makes my yoga pants look classy. Lfor warmer weather, maybe a light weight cotton or linen one? Uniqlo makes these long linen shirts that you can wear buttoned up like a shirt dress or open like a long cardigan or duster.

    3. CTT*

      A cardigan over a plain t-shirt or tank top would work with jeans (or maybe even cargo pants? It would depend on the cut) would work. And the nice thing about cardigans is you can have one or two in a neutral color and wear them all week.

    4. Anonymous*

      A better pair of pants, but still comfortable, can sharpen up any look. I like my beta brand but every one is different.

      1. WellRed*

        Ugh. Sorry just realized you said it’s getting warmer, not winter. Good quality T-shirts with light jacket or cardigan. Good pants could still help but might not be your thing in warm weather.

    5. Cambridge Comma*

      In a country I used to live in, it was typical for healthcare staff who didn’t wear scrubs to wear all white. E.g. white polo shirt and white jeans. You could probably find white summer trousers that would be comfortable. Somehow all white looks clean and medical no matter how casual the clothes.

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      I am not in health care but just found Figs scrubs. I wanted something for working with the public that could handle frequent washing and scrubs seemed to fit. Anyway, I got two of the fancy shirt they have with a kind of tall collar and cap sleeves. They are blousy and comfortable here in South Florida. I rotate those with a couple of work/logo polos I got along the way. And I layer on a light jersey cardigan in AC.

      Could a shirt like that work with your cargo pants? I’d lean toward more formal on the top as you can more easily change a shirt quickly if you needed more formal for somwthing specific. And the fig top I got looks very polished I think. I have asked friends and no one recognizes it as a scrubs top.

    7. The teapots are on fire*

      Khaki pants without the cargo pockets, and a shirt that buttons. But if you carry a clipboard and look harried, everyone will know you’re in charge. Healthcare is so weird that I don’t know what clothing norms apply anymore.

    9. Sleepless*

      I think I’d wear scrubs anyway. Comfy, pockets right where you need them, relatively inexpensive, easy to wash, and simple.

  16. Frugal*

    Right now, getting a new laptop would make the most sense for me. Soon I’m gonna start working on several personal projects, which would need software not supported by my current laptop. I’ve done my research and chose which model to buy, and I’ve also saved money for it. It’s more expensive than any of my previous laptops, but it’s a relatively recent model and should last some time.

    My current one was already an “old” model when I bought it, which I did without doing a thorough research. It’s only got 2GB RAM, and crashes often, and has a host of other problems.

    But, as a frugal person, I just can’t shake off the … guilt, I guess? I just can’t stop thinking ‘Do you really need a new laptop? Can’t you just make do with the old?’

    Any tips for dealing with this kind of feeling?

    1. Bobina*

      This can often be me, and while the decision was made for me when my old laptop ultimately crashed, I can say that having a new, better laptop is so nice in terms of speed, convenience etc that part of me wishes I’d done it before.

      So maybe try and think of it as an investment in your future, but also about increasing your quality of life? You know how people talk about how living in poverty diminishes your life due to never being able to invest in things that last longer or make your life more convenient? This is a good example. Make the investment, improve your quality of life, chances are once you have it – your brain will stop going on about it.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This this this.
        I also save my old laptops as “backups,” and that makes me feel less maudlin about replacing them (I tend to get attached, lol).

    2. Anonymous*

      Considering you took future-proofing into account, I’d say focus on that – a larger investment right now should save you money in the long run, as you’ll probably take longer to upgrade than you have in previous years.
      As for “can’t you just make do with the old”, well…You literally cannot, as the software you need is not going to work on the current laptop.

    3. Blue Eagle*

      My go-to when I feel like similarly is to find a place to donate my still-working old item where they would appreciate it. Then go and buy the new item. Other people are buying new items and you should too – you are worth it!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This. If you can afford to upgrade your laptop without selling the old one, try calling a school in a low-income area about donating it to a family who can’t afford it for their student.
        Or try calling a job-outreach program in search of someone job hunting without tech for video calls.
        Even keyboards & mice & headsets & webcams might make the difference.

    4. AspiringGardener*

      It’s 2020 – get the new computer! There’s a 0% chance that it won’t be used/useful in the future as computers are so essential.

    5. Pennyworth*

      If your current computer has a host of problems it might just die one day. Mine died a few months ago, but I had put off replacing it for reasons similar to you. I love the replacement, especially as I got a 40% discount. Can you wait for the sales, such as Black Friday, and get a really good deal? I also make big ticket items seem cheaper in my head by dividing the price by the number of years I expect it to last which gives a low annual cost. You can even do a cost-per-month calculation.

    6. Laura H.*

      You get the life you can out of your tech. And when it doesn’t function as needed (slow can be dealt with, crashing, or other issues cannot), you need to make plans to get a new one.

      I’ve told this before, but I very prematurely killed my first laptop back in 2011. (Still am gun shy about drinking anything around the laptop- despite the fact it was done in by a small spill as I was transferring the cup and not a spit take.)

      I used its replacement until the still relatively new replacement battery stopped holding a charge, and it was slower than I wanted.

      Fortunately it’s decline and my decision point coincided with that year’s tax refund. (Didn’t need a massive laptop for my personal use)

      But knowing I made it work for as much as I could helped make the choice easier. (It was a refurbed laptop as well so it had my 7 years plus whatever mileage was on it prior).

      Good luck. :)

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I call these things learning experiences. I give myself a free pass for the first round. If I make the same error twice then I yell at me. (lol) Eh, just decide that going forward you will do your research.

    8. Anonymous*

      Imagine you had a pair of sneakers that weren’t just worn-out looking and had lost their ‘spring’, but actively tripped you as you were walking. Wouldn’t you replace those? A computer that crashes often is the same thing.

      1. PollyQ*

        Gosh dang it, that was me! Stupid name save bug!

        I also had a follow-up thought, via my armchair psychoanalyst, which wondered if the guilt were partially about you committing resources to “personal projects.” Is there maybe some part of you that feels like you don’t “deserve” to have/do that for yourself?

    10. Anxious cat servant*

      It’s a lot cheaper to get one now than to wait until your current laptop dies a terrible death and you need to replace it immediately!

      That’s how I made myself feel better about shopping for a new laptop while I was between jobs. I used the time to decide what I wanted and then lucked out when a friend’s small business was upgrading and I was able to get one of their barely-used MacBooks for a total steal.

  17. Nameless Shark*

    My dad had a horrific, emotionally and physically abusive childhood. As a result he is emotionally deficit in some ways. He is not abusive but has still hurt me many times. He doesn’t know how to express affection properly and comes across stilted and awkward when he tries. When I went through difficult times he literally didn’t know how to respond. He would flee or freeze, leaving me bewildered and feeling emotionally abandoned. While I know in my heart he loves me, I frequently find myself hurt by his actions (or inactions) but also feel like I *must* forgive and forget, given his abusive childhood. I have repressed a lot of painful memories I have of my dad.

    I wonder if anyone else has a similar experience? Of having a parent who is genuinely well meaning and loving but has also inflicted a lot of pain unintentionally. Is it possible to come to terms with this? How much more do I need to be understanding/accommodating to the ways he crosses my own boundaries given his own awful childhood and subsequent mental health problems?

    1. nep*

      Sorry you’re having to face this.
      Genuine questions–I want to understand better: What would be the opposite or alternative to ‘being understanding/accommodating to the ways he crosses your boundaries’? What would coming to terms with this mean for you?

    2. Control What You Can*

      I think you have been plenty understanding and have given your dad a ton of grace. Has he had therapy or does he have any interest in processing his trauma?

      I have been through something similar with my own father, although his childhood would more be filed under somewhat neglectful of emotions. For whatever reason, he is incapable of being a supportive presence in my life, so I just don’t expect anything from him. He’s a broken appliance and while I can’t just throw him out because he’s my dad, I also can’t expect him to do what I need him to do. At the best of times, we have a superficially pleasant relationship. At other times, we have next to no relationship.

      It sucks, but he is unwilling to recognise how his behaviour affects other people. I think in his case, it’s massive aversion to any conflict.

      I’ve had loads of therapy and have also built myself a better support structure. (Also, FWIW, because of my dad’s crappy conflict aversion and my mother’s untreated mental illness, I had a pretty shitty childhood. But before and I as became a parent, I worked HARD to make sure I could be a properly supportive and loving parent to my kid. So, you know, it’s great that you understand where your dad is coming from and give him grace and slack, but having a shitty childhood doesn’t automatically mean that you’re broken and can never be fixed. Learned helplessness, if that’s what this is, is a choice.)

      1. Happier without my parents*

        “I can’t just throw him out because he’s my dad,”

        PLEASE don’t use this phrasing, ever.

        Cutting a harmful parent out of your life is not “throwing him out” – it’s sometimes absolutely the healthiest and necessary thing to do.

        And as someone who has had to do it, this phrasing is REALLY hurtful and offensive. I pray that this kind of thinking is not something that you’ve been gaslit with to keep a harmful person in your life. It’s exactly the kind of crap I dealt with when trying to exert boundaries.

        And the truth is, I could not flex and bend and accomodate my parents in a healthy way. ESPECIALLY since I was the only one making any effort.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I really think that Control What You Can was just extending the analogy of the broken appliance. You can throw an appliance away, but you can’t throw a human being away. And as you say, choosing to go no-contact isn’t throwing someone away.

        2. Anonymous*

          But all too often, this is the reality of the culture around us. I come from a culture that celebrates parents and definitely turns a blind eye to abuse, and even sighing in frustration is considered a terrible sin. While going NC may very well be the best thing to do — and I don’t disagree — it can be the most difficult thing to ever consider and for some that’s just not something they can do. Just because they choose not to do that doesn’t mean they’re not trying to help themselves.

          1. Happier without my parents*

            I didn’t say that was the choice she had to made. I didn’t say she wasn’t helping herself. I said that the WORDING she used about how she’s stuck with her dad because she can’t “throw him away” is really wrong. So much judgement baked into that wording and that she should not use that phrasing.
            She can do whatever she wants. But going NC is not, and never should be phrased as, “thowing him away.”

            It was a “watch your language because it’s harmful” warning.

        3. Control What You Can*

          I’m sincerely sorry if I caused you any distress by my words. Not a Manager is correct – it was an extension of the appliance analogy.

          I am glad you were able to take action to protect yourself.

    3. Dear liza dear liza*

      I have a similar father. Over time and with some therapy, I realized I had to draw very strong boundaries. We don’t live near each other so I send him cards for birthday/major holidays and have one meal with him if I’m in town. He follows me on social media but I don’t follow him. One of my siblings has completely cut him off so he’s careful about asking more from me. I have another sibling who sees him regularly and keeps me updated in general.

      It makes me sad but he is so manipulative with other relatives that it reinforces my decision to minimize contact.

    4. Not A Manager*

      “I have repressed a lot of painful memories I have of my dad.”

      My counter-intuitive experience was that when I stopped repressing those painful memories, it also made room for me to experience the good memories. I used to think about my relative through a sort of emotional padded blanket – everything was wrapped up so that no sharp edges could poke me. That meant that I could narrate the bad stuff to myself in a sort of blasé manner – “oh yeah, ho hum, that happened” – but it also meant that I couldn’t really emotionally access the good stuff either.

      Once I actually named the bad stuff instead of dancing around it, I unexpectedly had a lot more access to the good stuff. It was like someone tuned the TV back to color from having been all grays.

      Also, my previous “compassion” for my relative and their childhood had been more of a narrative explanation than a real emotional connection to what they’d experienced and why they behaved the way they did as an adult. Once I acknowledged to myself the extent of their poor behavior, and that it had damaged me, I was able to feel compassion for myself as a young child and see how I had wound up where I am as an adult. And that opened the door for me to feel actual compassion for my relative’s childhood experience and why they exhibited some bad behaviors toward me and other people.

    5. grace*

      Nameless Shark,
      I feel for you. I, like your father had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood. I did not have children knowing that there is a cycle of abuse and zero family support. I have a brother. He had three children. I watched exactly what you described. It would help you to get advice from a professional. From what I have observed, things got better with him and his kids as they left home and had their own families. Mostly from lowered expectations of him. He was not going to change. As his children had healthier relationships, they modeled good parenting practices for him. He is an amazing grandfather because his children basically instructed him how to behave with other people.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      The general boundary that I like to use is: I cannot allow myself to become injured (physically, emotionally, financially).

      It is good to realize why he is the way he is. But that is only one step in the process.
      I am not a fan of “forgiving AND forgetting”. I don’t think we should always forget. Sometimes we need to remember so we do not get injured again. As to the forgiving part, I think that is a personal decision, so I will just leave that part alone.

      I think that if you can’t find where he ends and you begin, then you have probably given too much leeway. Maybe a pro can help you make a short list of examples where you are going to draw that hardline. “Dad, if you continue to say X, I will hang up the phone/leave the house/whatever.” Here X is a targeted behavior that you have decided you will not deal with anymore. Again, this is the type of thing a professional can best help you with.

      I do have an odd suggestion, it might not be a good idea for your setting. My father grew up in a rough environment. Life was pretty unkind to him. But he was tough for me to hack sometimes. And he was the better parent in my life. My father hit on an idea that seemed to work for us. He told me to call him by his first name. In odd way this was a pressure relief, we both could exhale a bit. You seem to be leaning toward keeping him in your life on some level. So being on the watch for little ideas that have larger meaning might be a supportive activity for you both.

    7. PollyQ*

      The facts that your father had a horrific childhood, and genuinely meant well and loved you don’t actually mean that what he did to you wasn’t abusive. I’m not saying you have to label it as abuse, but maybe just leave some room for the notion that he wasn’t just a victim of abuse, but also a perpetrator.

      Even if you don’t feel it rose to that level, I still don’t think you “must forgive” him, just because his childhood was so bad. He presumably made a choice to be a parent, and he’s still responsible for what he did & didn’t do. And again, I’m not saying you can’t forgive him, just that it’s a choice you’re free to make or not make. I definitely don’t think you need to forget anything, or to continue to let him hurt you going forward. Understanding is one thing, accomodating is another. You are always allowed to draw boundaries to protect yourself. (Captain Awkward is great for advice on how to do this.)

      I’m very sorry you had to grow up with this. My parents were somewhat emotionally abusive to me, and it’s really a done a number on my life in some ways. And yes, they were well-meaning and loving, and had childhood issues of their own, although not as bad as your father’s. But what they did still harmed me.

    8. Generic Name*

      My son’s dad was (and still is) emotionally abusive and manipulative to me. I’ve heard all kinds of possible explanations for his behavior. He might be on the spectrum. Or a narcissist. Or have borderline personality disorder. Or maybe just just a selfish asshole. I finally decided that it doesn’t matter why he treated me like crap. It doesn’t excuse his behaviors and I make no effort to forgive him. I treat him cordially because we co parent our minor child.

      Your dad’s crap childhood provides background and explanation for his behavior towards you. It’s not an excuse. I believe that everyone (except maybe in cases of profound mental disability?) is responsible for their own behavior. He may have a reason he tramples your boundaries, but you still get to enforce them. If that means he doesn’t get to be a part of your life, that’s on him.

    9. Nita*

      I’ve redrawn my boundaries myself. It took a while, and a little bit of internal mourning, but I’ve firmly gotten it through my mind that I have only two people I can count on in life – myself and my husband. No expectations of any kind of help, or understanding, or words of wisdom from my parents. This is probably not their fault, but this is how the chips fell in my childhood. So now that my expectations are at rock bottom, I’m not surprised if they fail me or do something that should make me ashamed, but am pleasantly surprised if they do something nice. Which, I admit, has been happening a lot this year.

      Maybe not the greatest mindset, I know they need to be loved, but I guess my heart is a few sizes too small for that :(

    10. Frankie Bergstein*

      I have a physically and emotionally abusive dad, and I’m still healing from it (and probably will be throughout my life). We have limited, but if I were in an ongoing, in-person relationship with him, I’d want to set boundaries to protect myself.

      My thinking is that it’s definitely possible to come to terms with it – I don’t hold resentment or anger towards him – but it’s been a long and slow process for me to get here. So I’ve had the experience of having two parents who couldn’t care or support me for various reasons. I think reading books on attachment theory or on trauma (e.g., Trauma and Recovery, The Body Keeps the Score) might be helpful if you want a research perspective vs. my story.

      If I may, I’d like to push back slightly on the latter paragraph in your letter — you don’t have to be accommodating to them, in my opinion. My long, hard struggle has been to realize I need to be accommodating to myself. It took me until well into my twenties to figure out when I was hungry and needed to eat, what exercise made me feel good, how much sleep I needed, etc. Now at middle-age, I’m learning to identify, ask for my needs to be met appropriately, and – what feels earthshattering to me – is to realize that my needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

      Also, if someone has behaviors that hurt me because of something that happened to them or a mental health condition they have, I can be compassionate but still choose not to have a certain type of relationship with them. I had a close friend who talked over me, interrupted me, told me who I was/what I should think and shared very information I told her in confidence. I could have chalked this up to her past, negative experiences and tried to accept it or owned that it was really hard for me to be close friends with someone who did these things and add some distance to our relationship. (Ultimately, this friendship didn’t survive because of reasons related to communication.)

      Sending you lots of good luck!

    11. Not Your Circus, Not Your Monkeys*

      Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation or action as of his poor behavior never happened. His history of being abused is an explanation, not an excuse.

      Mental health issues and history of being abused don’t grant anyone the right to overstep your boundaries or decide what your boundaries should be.

    12. Smol Book Wizard*

      I wish I had a conclusive answer myself. My parents are not abusive, but in practice are controlling and not good at boundaries, and I’m still untangling all the tendrils that have wound their way through my brain and figuring out which ones are from them and which are actually mine. To some extent, what has helped me is just practicing acceptance and distancing myself from what they do: “my parents are doing XYZ right now, this is not a thing that I do or want to do, they are doing it for reasons of their own and I don’t need to get involved either to stop them or to join them.”
      One of the trickiest things in the world is knowing that you are loved very imperfectly. I’m sorry you’ve been having to deal with this.

    13. Minocho*

      I struggle with this as well – also with my father. When I was younger, I didn’t understand why he would say hurtful things, why he would insist my emotions should be suppressed and ignored, while his emotional responses were “logical”. As I found out more about my paternal grandparents and paternal grandmother’s very cruel parents, I began to understand why my grandparents, dad and aunts and uncles are the way they are, and I tried to forgive and forget it. This was an issue because I got it stuck in my head that forgiving meant they weren’t responsible for the things they do that hurt others – which also isn’t fair.

      At the end of the day, I’ve now arrived at the point where I have sympathy for the sixteen year old woman my grandmother was – but that pain gives her no excuse to pass that pain down to others, and I and my family aren’t required to take it when she wants to dish it out 70 years later. And my father, for all that he may have his issues due to things from his childhood, is an adult and doesn’t get to keep acting out of that emotion without me establishing boundaries and clearly letting him know when he’s overstepped them.

      Both my grandmother and father have been upset with me for establishing those boundaries. I happen to know that my grandmother especially talks behind my back to extended family about me, and wields the club she believes is most important – “you won’t get any of my money when I die!” – ruthlessly, not able to believe it has no effect on me.

      I suggest the best thing you can do is decide what you need, and decide how best to get it – with the understanding that you cannot control others. You can give your dad advice on what you want. You can ignore it. You can try to distance yourself emotionally from him. You can try to fix him. But keep firmly in the front of your mind what YOU need, and what you can do to best serve that need. When you need space, take it – don’t burn yourself out trying to fix or help him.

  18. PX*

    Guys, who else is super excited that Sohla has joined the Babish Culinary Universe? The 7 course tasting menu from convenience store items was perfection.

    Also he had her do a video on tempering chocolate. *cackles at the pettyness*

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      That tasting menu video was awesome. It’s so cool just to see that level of expertise and sheer competence.

      1. PX*

        I know! I really wanted to try some of them. But also at the end where they had the compilation of her being so unsure about if they would be good (“this might suck!”) and I just wanted to be like, “No Sohla! Look at what you did! This is so amazing – you’re so good!”

        But also just the range of things she knows about. I like to think I’m casually acquainted with a reasonable variety of food things but some of the stuff she made in the video I was like..what is that?! Honestly. I dont know if she wants to, but I feel like she should be in some Michelin star, Heston Blumenthal type restaurant where she can be allowed to go wild with creativity.

    2. Ellie*

      My husband and I were so happy to see that she’s found somewhere to cook and create and be noticed for her talent (and hopefully be well compensated; maybe she’ll earn a Rolex of her own lol). We love Sohla!

      1. PX*

        Me too! I casually saw something from Babish where he talked about how surprised he was with the success his channel has had, so I love that he chose to do this in terms of expanding it. I really hope he’s paying her well (and lets be honest, there probably is no way he isnt given what went down) :D

    3. Anonymous*

      Yes! I was aware of Babish but had never watched him so she’s bringing in new viewers to the benefit of all!

      1. PX*

        Same! I had seen the crossovers he did with Brad, but never really watched any of his videos before. After this I found myself watching one or two and they are not bad! I can definitely see myself going to them in future if I want to try something new or need inspiration, so a smart move on his part!

  19. Lcsa99*

    Can someone recommend a stand alone GPS? Something like a Garmin, as ours is starting to die. Or very nearly dead, to be more accurate. I know you can just use apps on the phone but for various reasons we’d rather use something separate and obviously our car does not have one built in. We just need something good that can give us turn by turn directions.

    1. Anonymous*

      You used to be able to buy stand-alone Garmins, which sat on your dashboard and acted just like the built-in ones. IDK if they’re still on the market, but you might be able to buy a used one off eBay or something. You might also be able to get your built-in one replaced.

    2. pancakes*

      We have an old-ish TomTom model that’s still going strong. It’s not always reliable about suggesting time-saving routes in very congested traffic, but in fairness that’s very tricky in the NYC area, and not our main purpose in using it. For turn by turn directions it’s good.

    3. Red haired runner*

      My parents prefer having a stand-alone GPS even though their cars have built in ones. They have been using a garmin brand one that mounts on the windshield. It gives very detailed directions and even traffic warnings. They’ve had it for about 4 years and it still works great.

    4. allathian*

      We used to have Tom Toms in our cars, but now our main one is a Garmin. We got it two years ago before our road trip around the Baltic Sea. It works very well and we get regular updates.

  20. Batgirl*

    When I was in your shoes with a similar partner, I wanted to know “What are we going to do instead?” Kids are a lot of energy and time, and sacrifice of other options. If you’ve always auto-pictured them you may not have considered all the alternatives… for me it was travelling. I could have gotten excited about a non kid future if it had involved a lot of travel and adventure. So I would answer blandly, but then follow up by talking about the other things I’m really excited about and actually can plan for. To hold off tears, focus on that stuff, even if just internally.
    As someone without kids, who does want them, I find the best, blandest out-loud answer regarding plans is “I don’t know” with a c’est la vie shrug. Even when the question is “Do you want them?” Truly, who can know? It’s why we don’t all go the sperm bank with buyer’s certainty like we’d go to the mall. So much of the potential happy outcome of the decision is tied up with other people, based in luck and in financial situations, and in a body you have no control over that you don’t really know if that decision to try is definitely going to be happy for you until you’re actually pregnant and sometimes not even then. It’s like they’re asking you about the weather in ten years.

  21. Anonymous*

    TW: miscarriage

    This isn’t about work but mentions someone I know from there.

    My manager and friend (we’ve known each other 8 years and started together) recently told a few of us she was pregnant. It was early days and she told us because our company was planning to go back to the office and she didn’t want to risk it. I’m one of the few who knew (for various reasons) and she was *so* excited and I was so happy for her, having known her so long and been to her wedding and so on. She was due her 12-week scan this week.

    Unfortunately and tragically, on Wed she called in to say she’d had a miscarriage, which I was told when I logged on to start. And it’s her birthday soon and it’s all just awful. I feel so, so awful for her. I texted her to say how sorry I was, but I am wondering if there’s anything else I can do to help. I’m covering her at work and have said to take as long as she needs, I am happy to do it, so hopefully that’s the most helpful thing at this time in a practical sense, but could I send a (very gentle) card? I want her to know I’m thinking of her and while giving her space also let her know she’s not alone. Especially when she’s back at work I want her to feel she can bail and ask me to step in and not take on more than she’s able to (while also obviously doing whatever she wants to do).

    Thanks, any thoughts are appreciated.

    2. One Commenter*

      Oh man, that sucks and I’ve been there. The most helpful thing that people did in that time for me was to be there for me: picking up my slack, listening, having my back. Giving me room to grieve. And recover: miscarriages are physically hard on the body in the moment, and there’s all the hormonal stuff afterwards, too. A card wouldn’t have been necessary for me, but if you are moved to send one, go for it. I wouldn’t have taken it amiss at all I’d keep it general, though, like “thinking of you” or something like that, but maybe that is just my opinion.

    3. Randomity*

      I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks and I never expected anyone to send cards but quite a few people did and I was SO GRATEFUL. So so very grateful for people acknowledging that my grief was real. I would say do it.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      If you send a card, find a blank one and hand-write your sentiment in it. “Thinking of you” is enough, if you’re stuck for a thought. For speaking to your friend, you can ask,”Is it okay for me to say…you can ask me to step in and take over if you need some alone time?” I find that first part of the question softens the message a lot.
      I am very sorry for your friend.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      With my first one, a friend sent me an Edible arrangements delivery and I loved it. She also included a sweet message.

      Second – nothing

      Third – it literally happened on my way to work and I stopped at the obgyn to confirm it. My mgr encouraged me to take the day off but I didn’t want to. Going to work was my “normalcy.”

      Personally, I love cards and messages. If you know this person would appreciate them, you can’t go wrong with a card. Maybe flowers or food or a gift card.

  22. Bibliovore*

    I have white beans, about a half lb of loose Italian sausage and an instant pot. I’ve had a few fails lately from internet recipes. Anyone have a tried and true recipe for these ingredients? FYI – there is no broccoli raab available where I live.

    1. Catherine*

      What spices have you got on hand? I am a stovetop person, not an instant pot person, but I’d throw that together with a diced onion, some minced garlic, oregano, red pepper flakes, and whatever stock I have on hand and let it all simmer. Might add some spinach or cabbage near the end of the cook time, maybe rip up a little parsley or grate some parmesan on top for garnish, would probably finish with a squeeze of lemon to brighten the whole thing up.

      1. AP.*

        This is good. I would just add that the sausage should be cooked separately on the stovetop, then drained on a paper towel and added to the beans towards the end of cooking.

        That will prevent the beans from getting too greasy, and also the sausage doesn’t benefit from an extended cooking time.

    3. Anonymous*

      That kind of sounds like the beginnings of Italian wedding soup. I’ve never made it or seen it made, so I can’t help with a recipe. But maybe look it up? You can sub ingredients if there’s something you can’t get (spinach vs. broccoli rabe).

      1. Anonymous*

        Kale and white bean soup! I don’t have an exact recipe because I usually just make it off the cuff, but at its most basic it’s just combining the cooked beans, browned sausage, kale and water. You can use stock if you have it on hand; I usually add a cup or so of veggie stock and use water for the rest. Whatever you have on hand is fine. If you have some time to do so add sautéed onions, carrots, celery. Depending on the sausage seasoning you might not need to add much more in the way of seasoning. Bay leaf if you have it, definitely. Taste before adding salt because the sausages usually have plenty.

        1. Still*

          Google Roberto the Soup for a delicious, incredibly versatile soup based on beans, sausage and any leafy green you have handy. It also has a charming story behind it – and of course who could resist a soup called Roberto? It’s one of my absolute favourites and I’ve been recommending it to anyone who’ll listen.

    5. Aza*

      Budget bytes’ sausage and white bean skillet is my go to easy meal! It also asks for spinach. Truly easy and yummy, made it just this week.

    6. Bibliovore*

      Tadah!
      Made the beans in the instant pot- 25 minutes on hi with sauteed chopped onion, smashed garlic, celeray and carrot. thyme, rosemary, sage, and bay leaf.
      sauteed the sausage on the stove in a soup pot.
      Combined the beans , sausage, bean broth, and parmesan rinds in the soup pot for about ten minutes. Added bunches of chopped kale – simmered until the kale was done.
      Served on stale bread that I had toasted. finished with some shredded parmesion and a drizzle of olive oil.

      Thanks for the recipes!

    7. Esmeralda*

      I don’t have an instant pot, so can’t advise on how to do the beans — I cook them on the stovetop. Make sure they’re well-seasoned: chopped onion, chopped garlic, chile flakes, salt, pepper, lots of thyme (that’s my favorite), broth rather than water. You can also put in thinly sliced celery, shredded or thinly sliced carrot.
      DON’T put the sausage in with the beans. Form it into little meatballs and brown them, or just brown it well. When the beans are cooked, THEN add the sausage. Deglaze the pan you browned them in (water or broth or beer or white wine), pour that into the beans. Stir in a good glug of olive oil.
      Broccoli rabe is good! but you can use any green you like. Thaw some frozen spinach, stir it in after the beans are cooked. You can also stir in some chopped tomato. A squeeze of lemon is nice.

  23. *daha**

    I’d like to hear about your experiences with air fryers – particularly the countertop oven style that are supposed to broil, bake, roast, toast, and rotisserie. Currently I’m using a toaster oven that curves out in back large enough to heat a 12″ frozen pizza, holds a bundt pan for baking, and broils my hamburgs, pork chops, steaks, and london broil. So my idea with the air fryer would be to replace it with something that does all that, plus adds the speed of a convection oven, the rotisserie, and the actual air-frying for things like frozen french fries.

    1. Ali G*

      I have the Cuisinart toaster oven air fryer. It also bakes and convection bakes. I like that it shortens a lot of cooking time and also uses less oil. It takes a little getting used to, since it cooks so much faster. I think you’d want the bigger one than I have, since I can’t do pizza or rotisserie. I’ve had good success with it for potatoes/fries, breaded cutlets and quick cooking salmon.

    2. Doctor is In*

      I looked into an air fryer; did not realize it is actually a small electric oven. My stove’s oven has a removable shelf so I only have to heat up part of it for smaller uses so decided I did not need one.

      1. fhgwhgads*

        Specifically they’re small electric convection ovens. If your oven has a convection setting and the divider, then yeah you basically already have an air fryer. If it’s not convection, what you have is slightly different, but may still make a standalone not worth it. However, it won’t yield quite the same results.

    3. Moth*

      I know I’m late to the reply on this, so you might not see it, but I did recently purchase a countertop toaster oven that bakes, roasts, toasts, rotisseries, and can air fry (so can also convection). I’ve used it quite a few times and overall like it, though I don’t know if something suddenly went out on it, if I’d buy it again. My main reasons for purchasing it were that it was a brutally hot summer here and I wanted something that wouldn’t require I turn my full oven on to bake, I wanted to be able to cook an easy dinner that tasted good and would last me all week (rotisserie) and I wanted to be able to air fry veggies. I find it does pretty well with the air fry function, though probably not quite as well as a dedicated air fryer, since the space is just bigger. The rotisserie is really nice, though the oven requires quite a bit of cleaning after because it splatters as it roasts. And mine (Instant brand) is not able to bake without the convection fan going. That’s probably the bit that frustrates me the most. I thought it would be fine when I purchased it and that it would be easier to convert my recipes, but it’s been more difficult than I thought and makes it so that I’m less inclined to use it. That being said, I just don’t have a lot of time to cook or bake right now, so maybe if I had more free time, I would be using it more often and would be happier with it. Just my thoughts on my experience!

  24. Kali*

    I’m now doing a masters at a university (so I’m going to talk about a thing happening at a school, but it’s not a work or school issue if that makes sense, so I hope this is the right post!) with a collegiate system which, in this case, means that I’ve been assigned to a college. It’s nothing to do with academia but, if I lived on campus, I would live there, and there are study rooms and things I can use in there if there weren’t a pandemic on. All of this means that I get copied into emails aimed at everyone at the college, including the students who are living-in. So far, the emails have been as follows;

    We get that you’re excited about welcome week, but please remember the rules about not going into one another’s flats.
    Stop having parties.
    STOP having parties.
    One flat has covid-like symptoms and has been isolated.
    We hear some of you are planning a party for tonight and have invited students from other colleges. Do NOT do this. (Got this one today)
    Two more flats are now showing symptoms and are in isolation (got this one 20 mins after the last one, so expect further updates tomorrow after the party does or does not happen).

    I’m so glad I’m not doing halls again.

    1. Anonymous*

      Oh, man. I feel bad for anyone put at risk by people who just won’t act maturely.
      (Are universities doing anything/able to do anything to enforce this ‘stop having parties’ rule?)

      1. Workerbee*

        I’m one who thinks schools should default to remote learning (while at the same time I don’t have a working solution for the kids who are better off away from home for a variety of reasons) because of the near-constant outbreaks. It sounds like there are still activities and easy opportunities to congregate exactly as before. I don’t blame the teenagers for being no more “mature” than the adults who’ve been adulting longer.

        1. KoiFeeder*

          My entire major, both grads and undergrads, defaulted to remote learning because we could get away with it. Some of the other majors that decided they needed X, Y, and Z classes to be in-person went to a blended learning style.

          The thing is that they didn’t close the dorms, so there are still parties, so people are still getting sick. And while it’s good that they didn’t kick everyone out of the dorms, I’m wondering if there should have been more stringent measures put in place to determine who got to return to the dorms after summer break. Although I’m not sure how I’d make that decision, so it’s probably unfair of me to expect someone else to do so!

      2. Honoria, Dowager Duchess of Denver*

        In the UK, a lot of the colleges told students that it would be blended learning, and recommended that they move to their university. Then, a few days after they had all moved in, told them that it would all have been online learning after all. It very much looks like the universities just wanted the room and board income from the students.

        So, in those cases, the universities could have been straight with the students, they wouldn’t have all moved into halls, and there would be less parties!

        1. Kali*

          In my case, I’m doing bioarchaeology so my course IS blended. I’m not sure about the courses without a lab component.

        2. D3*

          My kid is in this spot right now. If they hadn’t moved in, they would have been off the hook for rent + meal plan. But since they did move in, it’s all effing due for the *entire school year*, even if they move back home where it’s safer. I am pissed.

    2. Anonymous*

      Several students in Boston were recently expelled and no, they won’t be getting their $36k tuition back. That’s the only thing that’s going to work in some cases.

      1. pancakes*

        Not having them return to campus in the first place would work too, but would cut into the school’s revenue. I hope the way some schools have handled this poorly will be talked about for years to come and widely disdained.

        1. Botanist*

          While I’m not defending schools that are handling this badly, I’m familiar enough with the budgets of several small schools to say that “cuts into the revenue” is an understatement. They’re looking at single-year deficits the size of their whole endowment if they don’t have students on campus—which really means closing the school for good. Which doesn’t make the outbreaks any less severe! Or playing games with families and the fees, that’s not ok either. It’s just such a tough place that a lot of schools have ended up in, I really think a lot of them simply didn’t have a good option.

          1. Thursday Next*

            Even a lot of large state schools don’t have the funds to, basically, cancel school for the year. The Atlantic magazine has a good article about the University of Arizona’s reopening. One thing the article noted is the UA has an operating budget of 2 billion/year but and endowment of 1 billion. State funding has gone down 84% in the last 10 years. The article acknowledges that reopening was partially about the money but made the point that it had to be.

    3. Cambridge Comma*

      I think we risk demonising young people a bit in this situation. People of all ages are being utter cockwombles regarding the restrictions, but because these people are in a college, you know about it. (Otherwise we are reserving this level of scrutiny for MPs only.) If you are talking about an Oxbridge college (I don’t know how things are at Durham) the students often don’t have much privacy with porters aware of their comings and goings. The rest of the country can and do break the rules without getting caught.
      I’m much more concerned about the reports of students in halls being locked in after one person tests positive, with restricted access to food and in some places the fire doors blocked. I don’t know whether it’s legal or not for people other than police or military to detain people like this, but it seems very worrying.

      1. Tau*

        I was reading an article about this just now – it affects two universities I attended back in the day, and I know some of the dorms involved – and it’s horrifying. My jaw especially dropped when I read about students going without food for two days, followed by a university official being quoted as saying there were “initial teething problems” with the lockdown.

    4. D3*

      As mentioned elsewhere in this thread, my kid in college is stuck living in the dorms for now. And it’s a suite style dorm – 4 students in a 4 bed, 2 bath unit. Their roommates are inviting people over (parties, basically, with 12+ people in the living room. Not *calling* it a party because it’s “just watching a movie!” but still…) and so far management isn’t doing a dang thing. They also have 2-3 people who seem to be sleeping on the couch and always around.
      Thank god we paid extra for the private room setup but I really hate that my kid is spending pretty much all their time alone in their room because of it.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        This is probably a dumb question, but since management won’t do anything about the parties, do you think you could tell them to either shut down the parties or move your kid into a single? Since you are paying them to house your kid in a safe environment, and getting him sick with COVID when it could have been prevented is not keeping him safe.

          1. Anonymous*

            Huh. Your kid’s school has a very different definition of a single than my college does. We have those four-people-but-separate-bedrooms, but those are called quads. A single is one bedroom with a shared bath with another bedroom, and no shared living area.

    5. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      In my opinion they should never have allowed in person classes at all. Most college students are fresh out of school and have a very hard time adapting to a world where you’re in charge of yourself. College authorities are (supposedly) older and more knowledgeable, and they should’ve known better. Too much freedom, boiling hormones, a new environment and a pandemic is simply too much for them to handle.
      (Also… expulsion is an extreme punishment. Suspension? Yes. Sent to volunteer at the local hospital/retirement home/food bank? Even better.)

      1. pancakes*

        Sending people who haven’t complied with social distancing measures out into the community as penance or punishment is not a good idea unless you’re trying to maximize exposure.

      2. Kali*

        Quite apart from anything else, you’d think anyone involved with a college/uni would be familiar with how fresher’s flu goes around!

      3. AcademiaNut*

        Yeah – students are behaving badly, but you don’t set up a system that’s guaranteed to fail. Universities are set up to be the exact opposite of social distancing. Close community living, classes in poorly ventilated rooms, extensive mixing (dorms, classes, clubs all being different people), strong mixing with the community, dependence on public transit and copious alcohol consumption. And we are talking about 18-22 year olds away from school for the first time, which is not a demographic group known for reasoned logic and self restraint.

        I do think that on campus instruction/living should have been reserved for students in lab based programs (with the priority on senior students, who need the lab this year to graduate), and students who don’t have a reasonable place to remote learn from (can’t live with family, family is abusive, no access to internet).

        I wouldn’t put community service on the menu as a punishment, because that puts the community at risk if they’re volunteering at a homeless shelter *and* sneaking out to party. Expulsion with no refund is a reasonable response to students who break isolation/quarantine to socialize.

        I can sympathize with the financial pressures of the universities, however – they’re in a tough spot. They really need government financial support if they’re expected to function with a significant cut in income, but fairly normal expenses.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I love it that people are expecting 18-22 year olds (roughly) to behave maturely, given that their brains are still physically developing and we’ve got people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and probably even holder doing stuff that is counter productive to getting sick.

      The colleges should have shut down, wholesale, all of them. What else did they expect was going to happen? OF COURSE you’re going to have a bunch of teens/barely 20s partying, and by extension, of course they’re going to pass around a virus.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I find this really frustrating and I wonder if I went to the same place. Even if nobody is having an actual party, the very nature of communal living is going to lead to outbreaks. My college had communal kitchen and bathroom facilities so even if I never did anything like a party or hang out with someone else, the mere fact that I had to leave my room increased the risk of catching something.

      I feel like this is all a ploy to blame students when really the universities and governments should be held equally to account. After all, we’ve been hearing for months about how low the risk is for young people and that they are less likely to get sick, and now that it’s being proven that that was nonsense, the narrative has shifted to young people are irresponsible and it’s all their fault.

  25. Anonymous*

    Trivial topic for these times…but has anyone looked at the new ‘Rent the Runway’ offerings on thredUP? Too expensive for my budget, but fun to window shop.

    1. nep*

      I see it’s defaulting to ‘Anonymous’ and automatically posting instead of giving notification that I must fill in the name box, as the site used to do. nep here.

  26. Need advice on renting!*

    I asked recently about negotiating rent when my current contract is up [I’m in the UK].

    I pointed out to the property manager (I don’t have direct contact with the owner) that my current rent is higher than a lot of similar flats in the same area, mainly because the % increase (from my previous contract) is higher than what the market rates have been, and in fact many current listings are asking for rents that are actually lower than what they were asking a year or two ago.

    The property manager offered to do a ‘desktop valuation’ of what my flat would currently rent for. I’m interested in what they’d say, but I wonder if it’d be more wise to just offer a price I think is reasonable. I’m mainly concerned they’ll deliberately over-value and it’d be like a ‘gotcha’ thing.

    For context, I’d be okay if my current rent was held steady for the duration of a 3-year contract. Objectively speaking, it’s only slightly more expensive than the other place I mention, but since I’d avoid the hassle (and expenses) of moving, plus some sentimental value, I’m okay with that. They’ve already offered to hold it steady for the first year, but not sure about the rest.

    1. PX*

      In your case I would just offer the price you want. Like you say, the chance that they conveniently over-value is a bit high. I know in bargaining some people say never offer a number first, but in a scenario like yours, given you know exactly what price you want to pay – I say just give that number now so you have less haggling/discussions to deal with.

    2. Anonymous*

      Do your own rent research and prepare to present it. It’s the property manager’s job to charge you as much as they can get away with. There are too many great negotiating techniques to list here.
      Oh, I wish you’d speed-read “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss! It’s a very powerful book on negotiating and upends traditional theories. Best of Luck!

  27. Jessie*

    Hi!

    I’ve got a photography question. I have mild tremors in my head and hand due to a birth defect. They are super mild and not really noticeable. However, I’ve not been able to take photos all my life because my hand shakes a bit so the photos are blurred. So, I avoided taking photos.
    However, I have two kids now and ever since I became a mom, I started to take photos with my phone camera to capture special moments, but often the photos are blurred, which really upsets me. My husband doesn’t have a problem, but he’s not always there to capture these moments.
    So, is there any camera that would work for someone who has my problem?

    1. Anonymous*

      I don’t know of cameras that specifically help with that, but I sometimes have trouble staying as still as needed when taking a picture and I love my remote shutter release for that. I have never looked into whether they work with phones, but if you’re into getting a camera equipped to plug one in, maybe worth a try? Camera can be on a simple tripod or just on a solid surface.
      I know it could be tough with kids moving about and such, but if they’re playing in one area and you’ve got the camera set up to capture them, might work on some occasions.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          It isn’t saving for me, either. Must be something with the increased site security this week?

      2. Anonymous*

        I had to google remote shutter release :) From what I understand, I wouldn’t actually be holding the camera right?
        I think that might be hard with kids, especially if you are having a spontaneous moment you want to capture.

        1. nep*

          Right. You wouldn’t be holding the camera. Agree, for many shots it wouldn’t work. But if the kids are in a certain contained area doing something, it’s conceivable that you could get some good shots just holding the remote shutter release, if the camera is on a solid base with the kids in view.

        2. Professor Plum*

          Perhaps look at a monopod instead of a tripod. That way you still can aim but the monopod may give stability.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I can’t recommend a particular camera, but have you tried different settings? If you set it for a faster shutter speed (a “sports” setting or something like that would work) plus set it to automatically take 3 (or more) photos in rapid succession, the chances of getting a good one should go up. You don’t want a pause between the multiple pictures, just have it take all three instantly.

      If you’re using your phone, you can also try taking a video, then pausing it and taking a screen shot to get the picture you want. That method doesn’t always work but it might be worth a try.

      Other than that the only thing I can recommend is leaning the camera against something for support. Anything will work – a table or chair, the support post on the swings. You might have to get creative with angles but it does make a difference.

      1. Jessie*

        Yes, I find that taking photos in rapid succession really works sometimes. I do that on my phone camera sometimes.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve owned several Panasonic Lumix cameras over the years and they’ve all had an image stabilization option. There was a low setting and a higher setting. I found it very helpful and mostly for taking concert pictures.

      1. Anonymous*

        Oh, I didn’t know about image stabilization. That sounds like something that would really help :)

    4. Cambridge Comma*

      I’ve seen little tripods for sale, perhaps that would help?
      Also, maybe get something to take photos that you don’t mind handing over to your kids. I have a pair of two-year-olds and the pictures they take are a great mixture of bizarre and actually really good. You just have to delete a lot of pictures of the floor and ceiling.

    5. Lady Alys*

      I have never used one myself, but I see ads for gimbals built in to selfie sticks, which somehow even out the wobbles as the user walks/bikes/whatever. The Wirecutter website has a review entitled “The Best Android and iPhone Gimbal,” but they are in the process of updating their recommendations as of August 26.

    6. Reba*

      If you want to be able to use a phone, look for models that have good optical image stabilization! (And make sure this feature is turned on, if it’s an optional setting.) Most high end models like iPhone, Galaxy, Pixel all have great cameras.

      Ditto if you are looking at a handheld camera. For DSLR and mirrorless cameras, some manufacturers do the stabilizing in the lens, while others do it in the camera body end of things. Nearly all modern cameras have some form of this tech, though they may call it slightly different things. However, some cameras claim things like “anti-blur mode” or other things that are not true stabilization, just increasing the shutter speed.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      My photographer husband suggests you get brighter lights for faster shutter speeds. There’s apps like “Filmic Pro” that allow manual control of shutter speeds on cellphones.

    8. D3*

      Use the flash. Seriously, it will help with faster shutter speeds and freezing the action. Or if your phone has it, use the night option, even during the day. That will raise the ISO and make for faster shutter speeds.
      Any camera you get is likely to be heavier than your phone, which seems likely to increase your tremor.

    9. crookedglasses*

      So long as you’re holding it by hand, having a faster shutter speed will have the biggest impact. There’s a few ways that you can control that, and most of these principles would work with any camera (including one on a phone). If you’re just shooting with auto settings, being in an environment with more light should help. You can get more light by taking photos while you’re outside or else utilizing flash more often.

      If you can flip it to manual settings, having a higher shutter speed paired with a lower aperture will also help. (Just flipping it to a portrait setting might get that done as well – those generally are set to have a lower aperture so that you get the effect of an in-focus person with a softer background.) Turning the ISO to a higher setting will also help offset a high shutter speed.

      Many cameras will allow you to set the shutter speed and then automatically adjust the other settings to accommodate that. If you want something where you can just set it and forget it, that might be the way to go. It’s possible you can even do that with the camera that’s on your phone.

      If you do seek out a dedicated camera, I’d recommend finding one that does well in low-light settings. I’ve been generally impressed with Canon’s low light capabilities.

      There are some tricks you can also use to stabilize how you’re holding it. If you can rest your hand on a surface while taking photos that can help. Depending on how you’re positioned, you might even be able to rest your hand against something like your knee, your other arm, etc.

      Good luck!

      1. Jessie*

        Thanks :). These are really good tips! I haven’t used a camera for years, so I’m very ignorant. I’m just curious though, why would a low light help? I mean in terms of stability?

        1. Reba*

          The association is that when there is less light, the camera opens wider (aperture) and/or stays open for longer (shutter speed) in order to capture sufficient light. And the longer the exposure time, the more possibility for movement! So a camera that touts its strong low-light performance should have good stabilization as part of the package.
          (ISO is also a factor here but not related to stabilization.)

    10. Workerbee*

      Set the camera or phone camera to video. You can capture everything and later, if you choose, select still shots to save. Combining with a tripod or propping it up somewhere could help as well.

    11. KoiFeeder*

      I get down on one knee and tripod my camera on the upraised knee. It’s not perfect, but for spontaneous moments it works well enough. Perspective can be a lil weird sometimes, but between the occasional weird perspective and blurry photos, well, I prefer the former.

  28. Blue Eagle*

    Cooking Thread

    * Thanks to Teatime is Goodtime for the ginger lemon shortbread recipe. I finally had time to purchase some crystallized ginger so I made your ginger lemon shortbread and it turned out great and was tasty!
    * The shortbread was a nice end of meal for the rack of lamb I made for the very first time. I had always shied away from it because it seemed like something that would be too difficult to turn out well, but the grocery store had a half-off sale that I couldn’t resist. Luckily an internet search resulted in an easy recipe and the rack of lamb turned out great, too!

    What things have you cooked for the first time and how did they turn out?

    1. Not Australian*

      During lockdown I’ve been experimenting with beremeal – Orkney stone-ground barley flour. It has a slightly ‘nutty’ flavour and is heavier than regular flour, so rather than try it with ordinary recipes I’ve been using recipes designed specifically for it, many of which are based on centuries-old originals.

      It’s been a mixed success. The flavour of the beremeal itself is quite strong and can overwhelm anything you put it with; I tried shortbread first, which tasted okay but a bit bland – and then cheese scones, which were seriously heavy and dense and the cheese seemed to ‘get lost’. I’m going to try lemon shortbread next, as I feel you need an extra boost of flavour to counteract the beremeal taste.

      On the whole, although it was an interesting experiment, I don’t think I’ll bother to buy any more – although if I’m ever up in Scotland and I get offered something made with beremeal I will at least know what to expect!

    2. Bibliovore*

      Last night I made buffalo chicken wings from a Melissa Clarke recipe . They came out amazingly great . We were so excited we forgot the celery .

    3. Nessun*

      I’m hardly a cook, but during the whole lockdown/shop from home times I’ve been getting GoodFood baskets and cooking from the recipes and food they provide. I never in my life thought I’d ever make a risotto (having seen waaaay too much Hell’s Kitchen and therefore being terrified of it), but my basket had risotto on the menu so…I did it! And I was amazed how well it came out. Definitely saving that recipe to make on my own again – and comfort level with food is rising!

    4. Chaordic One*

      Fairly recently I tried a souffle and it turned out surprisingly well. I love a good souffle but I had always heard all these stories about souffles falling and that sort of scared me away from actually making one before. I’m also a bit confused by the elevation thing. In the past I’ve lived where the elevation was approximately 5,300 feet above sea level and I know that complicated cooking and baking and you need to make adjustments for that. Currently I live at an elevation of approximately 4,300 feet above sea level.

      I used a basic recipe that I pulled off the internet and just made a plain one, instead of a cheese or chocolate one. It took a bit longer than the recipe said. At the time the recipe said it would be done, it was still sitting there in the oven looking flat, but then it started rising so I left it in for another 5 minutes and it came out surprisingly well. I’m now looking forward to trying to cheese and chocolate souffles. (Probably goat cheese, or maybe a cheese substitute since I have dairy allergies.)

    5. Queer Earthling*

      We tried to make some granola bars! They turned out more like cookie bars but they were pretty good so I’m not complaining.

    6. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Oh Blue Eagle, I am so happy to hear that the recipe made you so happy! :) You have made my day.

      I tried making buttercream for the first time a while back, a not-sickly-sweet version without eggs, and that was both easier than I thought it would be and a great success. I made a vanilla bean version to start out. That combined with my favorite chocolate cake recipe and some raspberry jam has definitely been my biggest “first timer” success in a looong time. I even used a piping bag for the first time and it turned out so beautiful! The same buttercream recipe with strawberries and a simple yellow cake worked out well, too, but I think I haven’t found the right simple yellow cake recipe. It was missing something and, now that strawberry season is over, I probably won’t get to experiment more until next year.

      Lets see, I’m still tweaking my chocolate tarte recipe. My first rounds with madelines have turned out surprisingly well despite their reputation. And Foccaccia bread! I have finally settled on an herby, spiced version with cheese on top. I keep meaning to experiment more, but I’m currently stuck on that one. Such a delicious problem to have.

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Yes! I use Anne Burrell’s focaccia recipe, and the directions and ingredients from the plain version are taken/quoted directly from her:

          Plain Focaccia
          Ingredients
          1 3/4 cups warm water
          1 package active dry yeast
          1 tablespoon sugar
          5 cups all-purpose flour, plus additional for kneading
          1 tablespoon kosher salt, plus coarse sea salt, for sprinkling
          1 cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided

          Optional Ingredients
          Chopped rosemary

          Equipment
          3 bowls, one large, one small and one medium (not metal)
          Wide low pan (specifically a “jelly roll pan” or similar)
          Parchment paper
          Large flat surface that you can use to knead the dough

          Directions
          1. Combine the warm water, yeast and sugar in a small bowl. Put the bowl in a warm, not hot or cool, place until the yeast is bubbling and aromatic, at least 15 minutes.
          2. In a large bowl, combine the flour, 1 tablespoon of kosher salt, 1/2 cup olive oil and the yeast mixture. Mix until it starts to come together.
          3. Once the dough has come together, dust your kneading surface with flour and pour out the shaggy dough.
          4. Knead for a least 10 minutes or until the dough is soft and smooth. Add flour if the dough is too sticky. Tip: The dough should bounce back when you poke it.
          5. Coat the inside of a non-metal bowl with olive oil and place your dough in it. Rotate the dough such that the bottom half of it is covered in oil. Flip and repeat such that the dough is completely covered in oil.
          6. Cover the top of the bowl with plastic wrap, a lid or a dish towel. Place it in a warm place until it has doubled in size, at least 1 hour.
          7. Coat a jelly roll pan with the remaining 1 ⁄ 2 cup olive oil. (Chef’s Note: This may seem excessive, but focaccia is an oily crusted bread. This is why it is soooooooooo delicious!).
          8. Put the dough onto the jelly roll pan and begin pressing it out to fit the size of the pan. Turn the dough over to coat the other side with the olive oil. Continue to stretch the dough to fit the pan. As you are doing so, spread your fingers out and make finger holes all the way through the dough. (Chef’s Note: Yes, this is strange. But when the dough rises again it will create the characteristic craggy looking focaccia. If you do not make the actual holes in the dough, the finished product will be very smooth.)
          9. Put the dough in the warm place until it has doubled in size, about 1 hour. While the dough is rising a second time, preheat the oven to 425°F.
          10. Liberally sprinkle the top of the focaccia with some coarse sea salt and lightly drizzle a little oil on top.
          Optional: We like to add a little bit of rosemary to the top of plain focaccia.
          11. Bake the dough until the top of the loaf is golden brown, about 25 to 30 minutes.
          12. Remove the focaccia from the oven and let it cool before cutting and serving.

          Spiced Focaccia with Cheese
          Ingredients
          All the same plain focaccia with these changes:
          • Subtract 1 ⁄ 4 cup oil from the original recipe (in theory–I always end up adding more and probably still do a full cup)
          • Add 1 cup of grated Parmesan (this will make up for the oil subtracted above)
          • Add 1 teaspoon each of: garlic powder, oregano, thyme, basil, pepper and any other spices you like (I often don’t measure and probably add more than this)
          Optional Ingredients
          • 1 ⁄ 2 teaspoon cayenne pepper and 1 teaspoon paprika for an extra spicy version

          Directions
          1. Add all of the spices and herbs to the dry ingredients at the beginning of the focaccia process (step 2).
          2. After the second rise, just before putting the loaf in the oven, top the bread with the Parmesan cheese.

    7. Anonymous*

      I made lamb mulligatawny soup from one of Madhur Jaffrey’s cookbooks. Turned out really well.

    8. Anonymous*

      I’ve been off work this week and decided to try some baking projects. First I made macarons. They weren’t quite uniform in size and a few had some cracks, but the texture was perfect. Made chocolate ones, and filled them with a ring of Trader Joe’s hot fudge on the outer edge and homemade salted caramel in the center. Delicious!

      Also decided to try kouign amans, which was my first attempt at laminated dough. It was difficult (I think my dough itself wasn’t quite right) and despite chilling between turns the butter always seemed to soft. So they didn’t bake with the layers they were supposed to, but still tasted great.

      My project for today is going to be Micheal’s Keralan star bread from GBBO. My first bread attempt!

      1. lily*

        If you want to try laminated dough again, I’d suggest doing puff pastry. Since it has no yeast, it’s easier to deal with laminating. That being said, I grew up helping with croissants every year and they are so good. Laminated dough is so good, I’ll have to do some soon

    9. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Early in the quarantine I made a lasagna from hand-made noodles. Market was out of lasagna noodles but luckily had flour so I googled/youtubed. They tasted amazing. Now I wish I had the time and energy (severe pain in both wrists so can’t do much) to make handmade noodles.

    10. Auntie Social*

      Made cookies while talking to my tiny elderly neighbor. She suggested creaming the ingredients with a potato masher instead of using a spoon or mixer. Perfectly creamed with minimal effort—I got schooled!!

    11. Jemima Bond*

      My OH has grown chard in his allotment this year. Last week I made it into chard au gratin, following the established principle of anything is good if you fling enough cheese at it. The recipe has you slightly pickling the chard with spices before putting in the oven with cream and sprinkling with gruyère. It was really tasty although not the most low-fat recipe!

  29. Little Old Dog*

    Does anyone have experience with getting pet insurance for an older pet? Is it even possible at a certain point? Our little old dog is 15 and having issues. She’s on a bunch of medication and they’re really adding up. I’ve been looking at pet insurance but all I seem to find are ones that won’t insure pets over 14 years old or will insure older pets but not for pre-existing conditions. I’m guessing the answer is there is no insurance option to bring down the cost of her meds but I thought I’d ask.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I think you’re probably out of luck here. Pet insurance is weird as I’m pretty sure most only accept kittens or puppies and then cover them as they get older. I tried to insure my rescue cat and no one would do it. I’ve accepted that I need to pay out of pocket for these things and I’m okay with that, but since your dog is elderly and has a pre-existing condition, I think you’re going to find it very hard to find an insurer. Sorry.

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        I haven’t found that to be the case, my dog is a rescue and wasn’t a puppy and Healthy Paws covered/covers her with no issue.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          I should point out that I’m based in Spain and not the US so please take that into account as well.

          1. jolene*

            Ah, European countries charge much less in vet bills. I never took out pet insurance when I lived on the Continent.

    2. CatCat*

      Not sure given age and pre-existing conditions (and even if it were possible, premiums could be through the roof), but I thought I’d toss out alternatives that brought our costs down when we had a pet Diamondback Drugsn expensive meds:
      – Costco pharmacy can do pet meds and we found these cheaper than at the vet
      – A compounding pharmacy may be able to do the meds. Diamondback Drugs (delivers via mail, focused on animal prescriptions) was a life saver for us. A drug that had cost us over $100/month and that skyrocketed in cost to over $300/month (for the same drug) was only $50/month compounded. The vet specialist we had been seeing recommend Diamondback Drugs after she and colleagues on a professional listserv went on a flurry of discussion about quality alternatives when the drug price was jacked up because it impacted many vet patients.

      I hope you find a good option to help bring those costs down!

      1. CatCat*

        Typo/paste fail above with first reference to Diamondback. They were not the source of the expensive meds, but the affordable ones.

    3. Reba*

      In my area, many vet practices offer a “membership” where a monthly fee covers your basic visits and preventive care, with discounts on other services and meds, etc. So it’s like insurance in many ways. Maybe that is an option to explore?

    4. Anonymous*

      You’re better off researching your dog’s meds for generic and over-the-counter versions. Sometimes a pet med is a small fraction of the vet price if you can order it yourself. Also, I’ve found some veterinarians charge MUCH less than others. Call around.
      Pet your dog for me!

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      This is going to vary hugely based on what country you’re in. In the US, I have not been impressed with the pet insurance and even with a kitten would not bother. YMMV.

  30. Blue Eagle*

    This was going to be my suggestion. Video chats with other members of the family while you are there so she won’t feel like she is alone.
    Something noticed about the older grandparent generation of the family is they seem to enjoy listening to the younger people in the family talk among themselves. If only one person is allowed to visit at a time, then this type of interaction can only be experienced through a video chat – and if it is a Zoom-type chat where multiple people can be on the line at the same time – – even better.

  31. Lucky Penny*

    I’m

    I’m planning an outdoor pumpkin carving for my brains and I’m trying to think of what food would be safe to serve. Snacks are easy with individually bagged options but I’m stumped on a main course. My friends and I would usually do a big crockpot of something (stew or soup or meatballs) or delivery pizzas, but something like those doesn’t seem as safe right now. Maybe it’s just the buffet style I’m worried about and it would be better if I served for everyone?

    What are you all doing with food at gatherings right now? Any ideas recipes or serving styles to safely serve people?

    2. D'Euly*

      What about something like a hot sandwich – meatball subs, Cuban pork, etc – wrapped in foil individually, then baked and handled with tongs, to be unwrapped by the eater?

    3. Anono-me*

      Maybe a main course cooked in tinfoil would work for this event. I think some people call them campfire meals.

      I like salmon or chicken with a few slices of citrus and onion and seasonings. (Sometimes I add carrots or broccoli to the chicken.)

      I’ve also had a shrimp, sausage, corn on the cob, potatoes, onions butter and old bay version.

    4. Not A Manager*

      In my experience, people absolutely won’t adhere to not all gathering around a buffet or remembering to use hand sanitizer before touching the serving utensils.

      I’ve had good luck bringing out the main course at a specific time and literally having people come up in their family groups and serving them myself. Obv we wear masks and I’ve carefully washed my own hands.

      If people are carving pumpkins then presumably they have their own tables or places to set up. Another option is to portion out your main course into smaller “family style” serving bowls and place those within reach of each family group. If you’re ordering pizza you can order smaller ones for each family.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        I think that’s what I’d do. A crockpot of chili would work if you serve it out and have each group come and get it in turn, and have individual dishes of sides. You could even wear disposable gloves while dishing and serving (although washing your hands well before and after would be as good).

        Pizza would be totally fine if you were careful about passing them out. Prepare people in advance for how it’s going to go, have the pizzas show up at the front of the house, and pass them to each family group separately. You could also order something like KFC and pass it out the same way, or order individual box meals for each person.

    5. SecondGuesser*

      I just have to ask – a pumpkin carving for your brains?
      My best guess is that you meant “friends” but I’m half-hoping you are actually a zombie.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I would think one of the perks of being a zombie is not having to worry about coronavirus…

    6. Anonymous*

      I’m afraid that Not A Manager is right about people not behaving. This is why the suggestion of D’Euly is so good and helpful.

    7. Jackalope*

      I would add that we’ve also tried to have people bring their own dishes when possible (i.e. plates and silverware) so there isn’t a contamination risk there. If you then have only one person serving, and that person washes up really well beforehand and is masked, that really cuts down on avenues of contagion.

  32. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Mine is pretty quiet, and I don’t expect much to change except that I will plant garlic in the next few weeks.

    Are there ignuana updates?!

    1. GoryDetails*

      Southern NH: garden winding down now, though we haven’t had a frost yet. I desperately need to get some help to clean up the yard before winter, so I can do proper gardening next spring. I would like to put in lots of bulbs this fall, if I can get the overgrown yard taken care of first, and if my increasingly achy joints permit {rueful grin}.

    2. Hotdog not dog*

      In Northern NJ we’ve had our first light frost, so I’m pretty much in cleanup mode. This weekend I will be dividing some of my perennials to share with friends, planting some bulbs, and raking up the chestnut pods. The squirrels and deer have eaten the fallen nuts, leaving me with a yard full of spiny outer shells. I don’t want my dog (or me for that matter!) to get any of those spines stuck in him – they hurt!

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      No news is good news when it comes to iguanas! My garden is safe and the tomatoes continue to climb!

      Back story (with funny story at the end) is that, like many florida communities, we back onto water management canals and a small lake. The iguana flourish around the water and climb the courtyard walls around our houses to get into our yards and onto our roofs. We paid a lot to have them removed but they just come back. At one point we had over 50 on our roof. The iguana removers told us one male stakes out a roof as his territory and gathers a harem of many females. Females can have 70 babies at a time so the population grows fast. And all the houses near the canals have them.

      So funny story is the guy who owns the house next door asked me to do something about the 8 iguana living on my roof as they come into his yard and scare his renters and their dog.

      I told him I had spent $1,000, the HOA spent $5,000 and knocking it back to 8 was a success, that I had removed any plants they like to eat from my yard, and that he might have better success if he 1. also removed the plants they eat from his yard and 2. trapped them in his yard if he wanted to pay for it. Oh, and they are wild animals and I don’t control them. Ok, not a funny story exactly but funny to me bc it was so ridiculous.

      1. Venus*

        The guy is completely clueless and ridiculous. As if humanity hasn’t been trying to control animals forever, almost completely unsuccessfully! But your story is good for a laugh, thanks!

      2. KoiFeeder*

        I’d pay to see this man run around trying to catch live iguanas.

        Actually, I wouldn’t, iguanas can mess you up if they want to. But he might learn a valuable lesson.

    4. Llama face!*

      I’m growing tomatoes in October! I had an extremely late start so my plants only started flowering at the end of summer. But now I have 3 little tomatoes started one one plant and the biggest one is already about the size of a large cherry. Of course we are running out of growing weather here (short growing season) so I have been dragging them inside at night to avoid the frost. They are in pots so I can move them. Fingers crossed that I get enough sunlight to grow at least one complete tomato!

    5. Nita*

      Mostly tomatoes now. The awesome squash seems to be recovering from mildew – yay! For some reason, none of the beets grew a proper beet root – anyone have an idea what could be wrong?

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A neglected flowerpot sprouted marigolds & a single basil plant, another has the slowest growing lilies on record, so I merged them. They’re on the porch because a slug turned up. First one since the heat wave.. come to think of it, maybe it’s why the lilies are slow & stunted.
      I managed to get a day to mow & edge before the rain dropped a forest of leaves on my lawn.
      I’m getting serious steps in by tending houseplants because we scattered them across 5 rooms & the garage to stall off bug explosions.
      Weirdly my dahlia started glowering again this week, with stems all too short to pick any.
      I am dithering over LED grow lights.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I have none but I would love to have one, especially flowers. I love flowers.

      I did find out that my favorite flower ever that smells like heaven…can be bought at Home Depot.

      Well, before I even buy anything, I guess now is the best time to learn.

      1. Venus*

        There are no minimum standards for a garden! A favorite flower indoors sounds like a great place to start. Just check that it isn’t toxic to a young child or pets, as appropriate for you. It is surprising to me that stores sell toxic plants.

    8. Generic Name*

      The growing season is winding down here. We’re harvesting the last of the squashes. The rest of the veggies honestly didn’t turn out too well. Husband says he didn’t enrich the soil as he should have. I have more experience growing flowers and I stick to hardy natives that withstand my neglect. :)

    10. Pippa K*

      Argh, just went out to find that the deer got in and ate several ripe tomatoes I was going to harvest today, plus almost all the remaining green tomatoes and a big chunk of the Brussels sprouts plants. They left the tender radishes and herbs, but I’m sure they’re planning another raid tonight so I’ve taken defensive measures.

    11. KoiFeeder*

      Believe it or not, the autumn crocus seeds did NOT die in the refrigerator. We have one still alive! It’s very exciting.

    12. allathian*

      We’re winding down in preparation for winter, but two weeks ago we planted a lot of bulbs, especially tulips and daffodils. We’ve also planted a couple of highbush blueberry bushes and a purple chokeberry (aronia) bush, so we’ll see if we get anything from them. Admittedly the chokeberry is mainly for decoration, although the berries are edible. We also moved a rhododendron to a better spot in our garden, although it’s possible that one’s a lost cause by now. This fall has been unusually warm here, it feels weird to be able to work in the garden in just a t-shirt and sweatpants in September. My in-laws were here, too, as my MIL misses the garden she had in her old house, and it was warm enough for a pleasant picnic after all the hard work. We also started a tiny wildflower meadow for pollinators in the sunniest spot of our garden.

  33. Unicornucopia*

    I’m wanting to get into crochet, specifically amigurumi but also maybe some hats and things. I’m vaguely familiar with crochet from older family members doing it around me but I’ve never really made anything myself. I’m still struggling on some of the basics, I can’t quite figure out the magic ring and how to get it without a central hole. I’m also a bit confused about some things in the pattern, I’m not really sure how you can do two separate single stitches in one, and I don’t really understand working in a spiral vs a round. I find I do better with videos than just articles for learning, but most of the videos I’ve found tend to want more experience than I have, and right now with pandemic things I can’t exactly get help in person. If anyone has any YouTube channels to recommend or other words of advice, that would be appreciated!

    1. Tortally HareBrained*

      I don’t have any videos to suggest, but I will say I almost always work in a spiral when I make amigurumi even if the pattern says otherwise. The difference between the two (as I understand it) is that in the round you chain one between each round making a straight seam. In a spiral you just keep going which means the “seam” is slanted but normally can’t be seen.

      If I get to something tricky I tend to look for a video that shows just the type of stitch I need help with, instead of a video pattern for the whole item.

      Wishing you luck, Amigurumi is a fun hobby!

    2. Lifelong student*

      Totally recommend TheCrochetCrowd.com . Great videos and a funny, helpful host. There is also a FB page with a helpful community.

    3. university minion*

      You don’t *have* to do a magic ring if you don’t want to. Chain 4, then slip stitch in the first stitch of the chain. There’s your ring!

      Just like when starting out working on the flat, it’s a good idea to do some swatches first. Make some koozies (cylinder – flat bottom, round sides) and spheres (Hanukkah Balls anyone?) to get a feel for it.

      Spiral means you never end one row and start a new one. Round means each row has a defined beginning and end. Stitch markers are your friend here.

      As for 2 stitches in one (how you increase), don’t overthink it. Make a stitch and instead of moving onto the next spot, make another stitch in the same set of loops. If you’re having trouble fitting the hook through the loops to get 2 stitches in the same place, you might want to work on loosening your tension a little bit. Amigurumi uses a relatively larger yarn and narrower hook in order to get a tight “fabric” (ie, on the flat, I use an H hook for worsted weight yarn. Many people use an I. When I make some sort of stuffed shape, I use an E or F).

      Clear as mud?

    4. Amigurumi tip*

      The best tip I have is, use a hook that’s a size smaller than what’s recommended on the yarn label. This will help the stitches hold their shape and keep the weave tight enough that the filling won’t poke out when you stuff it.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      You can use yarn and a yarn needle to sew around that central hole in your crochet and pull it shut. Make a knot to keep it cinched and bury the ends in your amigurumi. Or make a traditional ring instead of a “magic” ring.
      I’m DELIGHTED you’re getting into crochet!

  34. Tortally HareBrained*

    After losing our senior rabbit unexpectedly in August, we brought home a new baby lop this week. She’s adorable, sassy, and rapidly gaining confidence.

    Anyone have any stories of adjusting to life with a young energetic pet after being used to the slower pace of a senior one? I’m looking forward to watching her learn to navigate the world but boy is she going to be a handful (in the absolute cutest way).

    1. GoryDetails*

      Congrats on the new bunny (and sympathy for the loss of the old one). I’ve never kept rabbits myself, though some friends have; if I weren’t a cat-person I might covet some myself… But as to your question, I did wind up with some young and (very!) lively cats after the loss of my beloved senior fluffy-lump of a cat last fall, and so I’m familiar with the transition from “happy to just sit there all day” to “zooming around the house demanding attention and ALWAYS wanting to play”. Fortunately for me and my waning energy level (and increasingly achy joints), the young cats amuse each other quite a bit, so I can sit back and watch the show. And they like playing with the laser-pointer, so I can do some remote entertaining-of-pets without having to actually run up and down the halls myself. With a young rabbit… I can only think of setting up a playpen kind of arrangement, so it has room to explore without getting into places too inconvenient and/or hazardous.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        There are so many zoomies!!! We are also finding that rooms that were bun-proofed for our older rabbit may not be as safe for the new one, so just watching carefully and modifying as we go. Luckily she’s still so cute it’s charming instead of annoying.

  35. Putting Out Fires, Esq*

    I’m 11 weeks pregnant and getting to the point where I’ll make it common knowledge (it’s my third and I’m definitely starting to show.) I play a tabletop role-playing game with over the internet once a week with some friends. One couple in particular lives out of town and last year on Halloween lost their baby at 20+ weeks, just one of those things. I know pregnancy stuff is hard for her because she asked that we avoid those topics in our game (easy enough). How would people suggest I break the news? They could probably never see me, as long as I didn’t stand up on video chat, but there’s overlap with Facebook and people I do see in real life, so it seems weird to treat it like a pregnancy in an actress (and hide it completely). We’re also coming up on the anniversary of their loss, so I’m sensitive as to timing as well.

    People who have experienced something similar, how would you have wanted to hear about someone else’s news? (Note: while I am perfectly excited about our addition, I don’t need the world to celebrate it? It’s more that at some point I will disappear into a hospital and reappear with a new person and it seems weird to not address that event ahead of time.)

    1. Anon*

      I had a lot of IVF. This kind of thing wasn’t hard for me personally but it was for others in the online forums I used. Without exception people said to break the news in writing so they can digest it in their own time, and don’t go overboard with the sympathy.

    2. Randomity1*

      I had a miscarriage at 17 weeks so have been her.

      With it being close to the anniversary either do it within the next week or so, or wait until after. I would let them know personally rather than as part of the group – in the immediate aftermath I found out about a friend’s pregnancy on Facebook and I was completely devastated. Don’t make a big thing of it, be as gentle as you can. I’m torn as to whether to mention their loss – I think you’ll need to go off what you know of them and how they handled it.

      Congrats!

    3. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I’d write them directly a day or two (or three or four) before your next game and break the news that way. Something like this:
      “Hi ZZZ, I know this can be a sensitive topic, so I wanted to tell you personally before I make a public announcement: I’m pregnant, 11 weeks in. The baby will be due on DATE. I’m planning on telling everyone at the end of our game on DATE, just so you know. I don’t have any plans to discuss it beyond that, but if I do, I’ll try to let you know ahead of time–I really enjoy playing the game together with you and I want to make things as comfortable as possible. With hugs (or whatever), NAME”

    4. Aza*

      Do it by text or email to give them space to respond. Tell them you wanted to give them a heads up privately and don’t need a response.

      This is immeasurably preferable to telling them by phone or zoom or in person, which puts them on the spot.

  36. Batgirl*

    I’m really interested in learning crochet terms so that I can follow patterns other than the one my grandmother taught me. I first want to work out which stitches I already know. This is one I made with her method. The stitches look like shells but they aren’t what crocheters call “shells”. https://imgur.com/gallery/afjvuFj
    I’ve worked out that I’m starting with a chain of slip stitches, then I make each shell with three loops joined at the top (single crochet stitch from what I can work out) and then separated from the next shell with a slip stitch. You do six loops at ends to make corners and split them into two sets of three on the next go around. Im wondering what stitch would be my next best to learn?

    1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I think you are doing the granny stitch / granny squares. In US terms, it uses double crochet (dc) stitch. Pick up a beginning crochet book, it will describe all the basic stitches and how to put them together to make the fancier kinds.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      I am a new crocheter too! I got a lot of books from the library and sort of skimmed it to see what the basic stiches are. They are called different things in the US and UK. But I found an amigurumi vidoe that I wanted to make so I watched it, jumped out to some of her short how to do stitches videos, looked at a few of the books to get simple pictures, etc.

      I’m still sticking to text for the patterns instead of the diagrams but slowly those are starting to make sense too.

      I’m the, jump right into a thing you like, kind of crafter. I find doing it makes the most sense to me.

      I’m really stuck on yarn types!

  37. Anonymous*

    My brother’s service went perfectly last week and I made it through my short comments like a pro. It was simple, casual and spirit lifting for all who attended. My stomach settled and I feel lighter than I have. So many people ask here “should I go to the wake/funeral/text/send a card/make a donation/offer to cook”? Etc. the answer is pretty much always going to be yes. Adapt for covid and adapt for the relationship or situation. So much in life is just showing up (doesn’t have to be literal). Just. Show up. Don’t overthink it. I’m so grateful to all those who did in ways big and small.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I’ve been thinking about you. I’m very glad that the service was meaningful to you and that your community was supportive. My your brother’s memory be a blessing to you all.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I am glad things went well and I am glad that service was uplifting. That in itself is a remarkable gift.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      WellRed, thinking of you. I’m grateful the service went well and appreciate the thoughts on just showing up. In this time of covid, what were some of the most helpful? I am thinking of how to do an outreach in a gentle, non-intrusive way…somewhat similar situation….

      1. WellRed*

        Honestly, it varied by what day it was and it felt like the right people showed up for the right task at the right time. But in those first couple of days, what I appreciated most was a friend offering to pick up groceries for me (i gave her a small list of easy to eat things like crackers). I also so appreciated all the messages (texts/calls/FB dms) from his friends and friends of the family when they heard he was dying (it was all very quick, a weekend) to reach out and express sympathy and to tell us and him they loved him. We didn’t feel alone.

  38. Alex*

    I have been inadvertently saving money. I am wedded to my budget and have been for years, but I’ve always prioritized things like travel and fitness activities that I enjoyed. I haven’t spent anything from my travel budget in a year now, because I had been planning a big trip for this year. My fitness activities are mostly still off and not coming back any time soon. So those budget line items have been snowballing in my bank account.

    I also definitely have been spending less on eating out/coffees out. This wasn’t a large expense for me anyway, but I’ve barely spent anything in that category.

    I did splurge on a few things, though. I’ve been treating myself to some fancier grocery items here and there. I bought some really nice fuzzy slippers and a new warm blanket for my bed.

    Generally, though, I have a pretty decent cushion (a couple years’ worth of living expenses in my savings account) and as steady a job as can be expected, although I don’t want to be too cocky about that. I also have some always-needed skills I can fall back on in an emergency, and a pretty solid plan if I do get laid off. So my fears are for our country/world overall rather than myself personally.

  39. Anonymous*

    My niece had a little one recently, and I am on the other side of the country from her, so pretty much all I can do to help her out is be the reasonably-well-to-do eccentric auntie who sends things. Specifically, she and I made a deal this week — she will get the munchkin a bookcase, and I will stock it well for him – my plan is to send him a book a month pretty much indefinitely. (We’re both big readers – a couple years ago, this kid’s BIG BIG BIG ask for Christmas, with all her “if this is too much that’s okay and I’m sorry” disclaimers, was a nice copy of Walden, and I was like “Look, kid, books are not a Big Christmas Thing, books are an ANYTIME thing, so your copy of Walden is on its way and I still need your Christmas list.”)

    I’m starting a list, but in general my knowledge of kids’ books starts at about 6-8 years old, so I am taking all the recommendations you have for baby and toddler books. I do have some basics on my list already – Pat the Bunny, Corduroy, Goodnight Moon. I think the only thing we’d really like to skip is any of the ones with an electronic component that make noise.

    2. Anonymous*

      Don’t know how old the little one is by now, but birth through 3 months or so my baby loved “Black and White” by Tana Hoban.

    3. Anonymous*

      One of my favorite board books is Penguin & Pinecone. There is a whole Penguin series but I really love the Pinecone one.

      Sandra Boynton books are fun.

      1. Nessun*

        Second Sandra Boynton – my nephew and nieces adore those books (my sisters have basically memorized them at this point!)

        1. Anonymous*

          Thirded! For young kids, the Gerald and Piggy books are also great. Books about Miffy the rabbit and Maisie the mouse are nice too. Also mine love picture books with lots of animal photos.

      1. Nita*

        Yes! I’ve recently discovered the author wrote a whole series of books… can’t wait to read them to the kids when (if) the library ever reopens.

    5. Michelle*

      My babies/toddlers loved anything with touch and feel, so any titles in the Usborne series That’s Not My… (Kitten, Bear, Car, Bunny, Fairy, Robot…the list of titles goes on and on!). Bear Snores On is great as a board book, but we liked the traditional printing as well.

    6. Anon1000*

      Board Books – anything by Rosemary Wells and Sandra Boyton.

      Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

      How Dinosaurs Say Goodnight by Jane Yolen

      Click Clack Moo Cows That Type

      If You Give a Mouse A Cookie

      Biscuit

      Sheila Rae The Brave by Kevin Henkes and all of his other books

      Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      My son LOVED Dinosaur ABC, which had a different type of dinosaur beginning with each letter of the alphabet, a picture and some basic scientific information, and the phonetic pronunciation of each dino’s name. It was a board book we received as a gift when he was an infant, and I read it to him at least 10,000 times until he was old enough to read it to himself (which he did an additional 10,000 times). He is now a teenager, and still has the book on his bookshelf.

    8. Anonymous*

      There are some really great board books with illustrations that “move”–I think the first one was Gallop.

      1. Ms. Frizzle*

        Oops, computer fail. More ideas:

        Any book by Mo Willems! I love the Pigeon books in particular.

        We’re Going on a Bear Hunt

        There’s a really nice set of bilingual board books called Lil’ Libros. Most or all of them are by Patty Rodriguez.

        The Monster at the End of this Book

        Interactive books are a lot of fun! I like Don’t Push The Button, Tap The Magic Tree, and Press Here.

        Go Away, Big Green Monster is great for littles. Definitely get a board book, it can be delicate.

        It’s Ok To Be Different, by Todd Parr

        Sheep In A Jeep, by Nancy E. Shaw

        Other favorite series: Llama Llama books by Anna Dewdney, How Do Dinosaurs books by Jane Yolen, and the original Pete the Cat books.

    9. Anonymous*

      I love this idea. My little one is 18 months and loves:
      The Very Hungry Caterpillar (board book edition)
      Dear Zoo (lift the flap)
      Where’s Spot? (Also lift the flap)
      Also the “That’s not my…” series and if your niece is religious there’s a Great for ouchy-feely book called The Funniest Animals God Ever Made.

      We also really like:
      Guess How Much I Love You
      The Gruffalo, Room on the Broom and pretty much anything else by Julia Donaldson.

    10. Anon Lawyer*

      I have a 10-month-old. Here’s my recs and anti-recs (of popular stuff that always gets recommended);

      Recommendations –
      * You Are New, by Lucy Knisley. Absolutely delightful and always makes me tear up.
      * B is for Baby, by Atinuke – beautiful illustrations and a West African setting
      * Have You Ever Tickled a Tiger – Betsy E. Snyder – the best of the touch-and-feel books I’ve found, which my baby loves.
      * Llama Llama Red Pajama by Anna Dewdney – this is a whole long series if she ends up liking them. I also like Llama Llama Sand and Sun because it’s another touch-and-feel book and also there’s some “Llama Llama for littles” ones that are good for a quick short world.
      * Goodnight World – art from a bunch of different NW indigenous artists; it’s beautiful.
      * Vehicles by Xavier Deneux – simple cutout cardboard shapes that are lovely and he does other similar stuff.
      * You Are Light by Aaron Becker – beautiful backlit shapes that are fun for the baby and nice simple language.
      * Little Blue Truck by Alice Schertle – sweet truck plus farm animals book
      * Click Clack Moo by Doreen Cronin – baby’s first book about unions.
      * Where’s the Astronaut and Find the Unicorn both have you lift felt flaps to find things. They’re cute.

      The “That’s Not My . . .” series is everywhere and it’s ok but I’d only buy one. They’re all kind of the same. I like “That’s Not My Meerkat” because meerkats are cute.

      Anti-Red:
      * Pout-Pout Fish – this is somehow everywhere but the messaging is super weird and the rhymes are off. I left it in a book box.
      * A is for Activist – also everywhere if you’re liberal. It’s to fun to read out loud (inconsistent rhyming/scansion) and will mean nothing to any child younger than like 14. I”m not personally that interested in the message books for tiny kids but Baby Feminist, Anti-Racist Baby, and the GayBCs all seem better if you want to go that direction.

      2. Bluebell*

        So delighted someone else recommended Click Clack Moo. I loved reading that to my kiddo. Also a big fan of Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. One friend gave us a Children’s literature anthology, and we liked that a lot.

    11. Jcope*

      My favorites are for a little bit older children.
      The Forgetful Bears
      Amelia Bedelia (several different stories)
      Turkey Pox (cute for Thanksgiving Prek )
      Snowmen at Night
      Little Bear series
      Franklin Series
      Curious George series
      Mr. Peabody’s Apples
      Tale of the Three Trees
      Cam Jansen series

      My favorite Christmas book for all ages is If You’re Missing Baby Jesus
      Pony Pal series
      A-Z Mysteries
      Pippi Longstocking
      Mrs. Piggle Wiggle

    13. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Some of my favorites have already been said, so here’s ones I didn’t see (or forgot by the time I got to commenting):
      -Sandra Boynton! Pretty much anything, but here are our favorites: Blue Hat, Green Hat, The Going To Bed Book, Horns to Toes and In Between, Opposites, But Not The Hippopotomus.
      -Gossie by Dunrea
      -Each Peach Pear Plum by Janet and Allan Ahlberg
      -Freight Train by Crews
      -Goodnight Gorilla by Peggy Rathmann
      -We’re Going On A Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury
      -Little Blue Truck by Alice Shertle and Jill MecElmmory
      -Time for Bed by Mem Fox and Jane Dyer
      -Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae and Guy Parker-Rees
      -Little Gorilla by Ruth Bornstein
      -Brown Bear, Brown Bear by Bill Martin Jr. and Eric Carle
      -Funny Face by Nicola Smee

      And for the parents: Go the F**K to Sleep. Look it up on youtube as read by Samuel L Jackson.

    14. 00ff00Claire*

      Moo, Baa, La La La and others by Sandra Boynton are great for babies and toddlers.

      My nephew loved Little Blue Truck by Alice Schertle when he was a toddler.

      The simpler Eric Carle books, such as Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? are good too.

      Dog’s Colorful Day should also work for the older toddler stage and Pete The Cat I Love My White Shoes as well.

      I Like Me by Nancy Carlson has a great theme and although its target audience is preschool, it seems to resonate with kids who are developmentally younger.

      1. Aza*

        Oh! Forgot about brown bear Brown Bear, but we have the big version with little windows that you push back and she was obsessed with it for the first 1.5 years of her life

    15. Lurker*

      Agree with others, anything by Mo Willems is great, but for toddlers, the Elephant and Piggie books are prefect. Lots of emotional intelligence and empathy there.

      Kevin Henkes is also wonderful. Egg, for 1-3 year olds, is just fantastic.

    16. CorgisAndCats*

      I love the outdoors/woods and animals so my favorite to read to my babies were Little Owl’s Night and Little Owl’s Day by Divya Srinivasan. The illustrations are cute and I love the tour of the forest at night and the day from the perspective of a little owl. I find most board books extremely boredom inducing and these keep me semi-engaged even though I have read them 100+ times. I am loving the recommendations on this thread though and will have to add to the bookshelf!

    17. Lana*

      My 2.5 y.o. loves:
      Oh No George, Chris Haughton
      Boo and Baa have Company
      Alfie books, Shirley Hughes
      Frog and Toad books, Arnold Lobel

    19. Aza*

      I have a 2 year old!

      *Anything that’s by Sandra Boynton. We just read the going to bed book and Doggies last night! She’s outgrowing them a little now but has loved them.
      *Little Blue Truck- great rhyming, an engaging board book, one of my favorites
      *Llama, Llama Red Pajamas- cute board book about going to bed
      *No no yes yes- mainly just these words + pictures
      *The pout Pout fish- a nyt bestseller
      *I like myself- cute, black main character
      *One love by cedella marley- cute, non white main character, was my kid’s favorite for awhile
      *If you give a mouse a cookie (more appropriate for 2+)
      *A is for Activist- very social justice oriented, an alphabet book
      *If your niece is in the christian tradition, anything by Mathew Paul Turner. When I pray for you makes me cry pretty much every time!
      *No matter what- a really cute, cuddly story with 2 foxes as main characters. I read it to my kid almost every day the first year of her life.
      *Wherever you are my love will find you- by Nancy tillman. Lovely illustrations. A colleague gave this to me on my first day back at work when kid was a few months old and it also makes me cry!
      *Dog by Mathew van Fleet- if your niece is into dogs, this is fantastic. it’s a touch and feel book, with a sense of humor.

      1. Aza*

        I just remembered!
        *I want my hat back (hilarious, but not a board book)
        *Dreamers by yuyi morales, by an immigrant, with beautiful illustrations
        *Where’s spot? A lift the flap book
        * Very Hungry Caterpillar. A classic, my kid loves it!

    20. Mimosa Jones*

      Check out Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library and see if they have a list of the books they send. It’s a great mix of classics and new titles for birth through age 5. Your local library will also have lists of books for specific age groups.

      My baby is 18 so my titles may be old but here they are:
      Officer Buckles and Gloria
      Goodnight Gorilla
      10 minutes to bedtime
      Toes are to tickle
      Clifford the big red dog
      Lyle Lyle crocodile
      Library lion
      The day that dinosaurs came with everything
      Harry the dirty dog

      1. ampersand*

        Yes:
        1. Anything in the Hello World! series by Jill Macdonald–her illustrations are bright and fun and her books are educational while remaining engaging for little kids.
        2. The Mommy Book (or really anything) by Todd Parr. Simple, entertaining, I like that he draws about as well as I do (it’s endearing).
        3. Never Touch a Monster and If You Ever Meet a Groovicorn (also part of a series of similar books, not sure who writes/illustrates these). They’re tactile and fun.
        4. Olivia by Ian Falconer

        Maybe not/how much do you love your niece?:
        I read The Cat in the Hat and Go Dog, Go! to my kid multiple times today. We were gifted both when she was born and she’s just now showing interest in them (at 20 months)–and they’re each 60+ pages. Children’s books have come a long way, so I say get something shorter! (My favorite book was Go Dog, Go! when I was a toddler…I’m really feeling for my parents after today)

    22. Auntie Social*

      As she gets older would she like you to read to her online? You’d each have the same book, maybe yours would be a photocopy. And maybe as she gets older she can choose the book.

    23. HBJ*

      Personally, I love (and my children seem to like them equally as well as anything else) local books. Ones written about our state and/or by local authors/artists/photographers. These can be found online or at local gift shops and book stores. Ones local to both your area and theirs would be fun.

    24. Emily*

      I remember liking Mama, Do You Love Me? when I was younger. Seconding the Amelia Bedelia suggestions for a little bit older.

    25. Nancy*

      Mine loved the Hairy Maclary books, by Lynley Dodd, and indeed anything by her. Also anything by Julia Donaldson (Sharing a Shell was particularly popular when they were babies. And Each Peach Pear Plum, Where the Wild Things Are, Gigantosaurus (by Johnny Duddle), and really anything about trains, cars etc where you could lift flaps, pull bits out etc.

    26. Fellow Traveller*

      A couple of our favorites for very little babies, that we still read five years later…
      Look Look! (a black and white book by Peter Lilienthal)
      Global Babies (pictures of babies from all different countries – I think there are several books in the series)
      Lift the Flap books – DK publishing has a whole series I like because they have photos of things and not pictures.
      Baby Talk by Judy Hindley (This is actually out of print, but we bought it used because we had borrowed it form the library and loved it so much)
      Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes

      A little older:
      A Big Bed for Little Snow (by Grace Lin – This book came out last year, and I love that the main character is Asian – my kids are half Asian and it’s really hard to find books with Asian characters.)
      Bear Snores On.

    27. ghoster coaster hoster*

      Thirteen moons on Turtle’s Back

      Any of the James Herriot books for kids (the art is beautiful and the stories are good, even for the adult being forced to read them for the millionth time)

      My parents were permanently traumatized by Henry’s Awful Mistake and still shudder 30 years later if you bring it up, but it was my favorite so I highly recommend!

    28. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson
      Stack the Cats by Susie Ghahremani
      Color Kittens by Margaret Wise Brown

      Seconding Frog and Toad. One offbeat pick that a friend sent was Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats by T. S. Eliot. I assumed my son would pick it up when he was 8 or so but he became obsessed with it at ages 1–2.

    29. CJM*

      Hope I’m not too late; I was tied up most of the weekend.

      Whose Mouse Are You is a delightful book and my older daughter’s all-time favorite. She learned to read with that book! (She had it memorized, and one day she connected the spoken words to the written words.) Its message is great too: loyalty, helpfulness, and action make the world better.

  40. ThatGirl*

    Gahh my comment got ate? So at the vet’s rec, we got melatonin for the dog. Two nights now he’s taken it, and made it to about 6 am. Which is ok for weekdays but not ideal. We’ll give it a little more time and I’ll report back to the vet.

    1. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Oh that’s promising! I really appreciate this update and look forward to more. Is the whining less or has that continued?

      1. ThatGirl*

        He starts later (6:20 this morning) but the amount of whining is about the same. It’s still an improvement of course, but the vet asked for an update so we’ll see what else she might have to say.

  41. Valancy Snaith*

    Runners, athletes, and other sweaty people: suggestions for getting lingering sweat smell out of clothes? I’ve never had this problem before either with mine or my husband’s stuff, but recently while folding clean laundry I realized that one of my running shirts still had a lingering sweat smell to it. Some of the others do as well. I’ve just been washing them with the plain unscented cold-water detergent that I normally use, and either hang drying if it’s pleasant or tumble drying if not, so definitely nothing special. What else works for getting the smell out? If at all possible I’d like to avoid buying something special specifically for athletic clothing, but I have access to vinegar, baking soda, and enzyme cleaner.

    1. CatCat*

      I’d try spritzing with white vinegar, letting it sit for a while, and then washing again. My spouse is very sweaty and there used tobe some funky smells from his exercise clothes. We put white vinegar in a spray bottle next to the clothes hamper and spritz workout clothes before tossing them in the hamper. Works to avoid the stank in the hamper itself and odors don’t linger after washing.

      Alternatively, washing clothes immediately after workout seems to work too, but probably not for feasible after every workout.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Yeah, as much as I’d like to wash things right away, I work out six days a week and with just me at home right now I don’t feel great about doing thaaat much laundry. But I’ll definitely give the white vinegar a shot and see how it comes out! Thank you.

        1. Jess*

          I also don’t like running tiny, frequent loads of laundry so I hop into the shower with my running clothes, give them a prewash with soap in there and hang them to dry before putting them in the hamper for a full washing. That has really helped them from getting too gross.

          1. AcademiaNut*

            My husband soaks his sweaty clothes in vinegar and water overnight, hangs dry, and tosses it in the usual load of laundry later. Alternately, a bit of vinegar in the laundry load, and an initial soak of the clothing in the cycle, can help.

      2. Not A Girl Boss*

        Rockin’ Green detergent (we get it on amazon) is a total game changer. It’s more for preventing sweat from building up, although I have soaked clothes in it overnight to treat set in sweat stink. It even got BO out of my fleeces! And puke smell out of a faux fur blanket! Pure magic!

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          PS we use the Rockin’ Green on all our clothes now. My husband is a welder so has a lot of natural fibers but it works great on his grease stains as well. It’s definitely not only for athletic clothes.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I wash those items on hot no matter what the label says. In my experience, what matters much more is what temp you dry things at. I also still use the gentle cycle. Add some baking soda along with your detergent, and for the things that you’ve already washed but are still stinky, use the presoak setting.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        What temp do you dry things at? Usually I try to hang my athletic wear as much as possible to extend its life, but I wonder if that’s having an effect, since I’ve definitely noticed it a lot more this summer than any time before.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I dry almost everything on low. Athletic wear I usually air dry. If you can dry it in the sun where there is good air circulation, that shouldn’t contribute to its retaining odors.

        2. Not A Girl Boss*

          IME hot dryers actually “bake in” the heat. I think BO causing bacteria just generally thrives more in the summer. In fact one of my tricks to rid clothes of BO is to hang it outside in the winter, or throw in the freezer.

    3. acmx*

      I have used the soak option on my washer with a cup of vinegar. I think you could try the enzyme cleaner?
      I find the clothes that hold the most smell are spandex. I’ve also done a bit of handwashing after wearing those. I leave my clothes hanging to dry (after my run) and I keep them in a separate basket.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      Maybe spray the pits with cheap vodka as soon as you get home? Theater costumers sometimes do this to deodorize sweaty costumes.

    6. crookedglasses*

      I’ve had very good success with soaking clothes in a bucket of salt water for a couple of hours before washing them.

    7. Sooda Nym*

      The only thing that ever reliably solved this for me is Atsko Sport-wash detergent. I buy it from Amazon.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      I keep my dirty running clothes in a sturdy paper grocery bag instead of the standard laundry hamper, and sprinkle lots of baking soda on top of everything the minute I take it off. I throw out the bag every few weeks – it generally works.

    9. Anonymous*

      Several things –

      1. Washing in warm/hot water!
      2. If save your activewear up for several days before washing, keep it in an airy basket with lots of holes.
      3. Use a booster – not sure what you would call this elsewhere but here in NZ I use Napisan Vanish or Sard. The key ingredient in these products is sodium percarbonate, and you can use it either by pre-soaking in a booster solution or adding it to your wash.
      4. Pretreat with bar soap. A little warm water, rub the bar soap in the pits of your shirt and let sit for ten minutes before throwing it in the wash.
      5. If all else fails, a quick soak (less than 30 mins) in a dilute solution of bleach. Think 5mls of bleach to ten litres of water. Cover the activewear with a white towel so it stays submerged to prevent colour run.

      Vinegar is unlikely to help much as it’s only antibacterial against a few very specific bacterial strains. Mixing vinegar and baking soda will just leave you with salty water and no cleaning action.

      1. Reba*

        Good tips!

        IMO some clothes actually do need warm or hot water to wash, even if technically the detergent works with cold. Valancy, you might also want to experiment a little with your detergent amounts.

        You could also try spraying clothes with a pre-treatment or alcohol as you toss them in the hamper. Some of the stain treatment sprays say you can leave it for a week before washing.

        For US-ians, Sodium percarbonate = oxygen bleach. Most of these products need hot water to work! Some have ingredients that help them activate at lower temps –but still warm–like Tide Odor Rescue and Dropps (the one I get).

    10. Peter*

      I’m a runner in the UK and use the Dettol antibacterial laundry cleanser (or the Sainsbury own-brand).
      A quick look doesn’t show me anything similar on amazon.com, but that might be because I don’t know the right search terms.

  42. Anonymous*

    Just a little update for those who were so kind as to follow our progress while I was pregnant, to say that the Marzipan Baby is six months old this weekend, a great big cheerful lump of a thing (he’s been wearing 6-9 month clothes for the last two months), and we’re about to start weaning imminently. It’s been a very odd time to have a baby but he doesn’t know any different and he’s a fabulous little person. My employer’s maternity leave is sufficiently generous that I’m able to afford to take a whole year off, so I don’t have to worry about going back to work until after he turns 1, so I’m very lucky. And my dad is having SUCH a great time being a grandparent, something I don’t think he anticipated would ever happen. So we’re all good!

    As always, love and light to those struggling with fertility problems or pregnancy loss.

    2. Randomity*

      This is my first time here in months. So glad to read this update! I’m so glad things have gone well for you <3

    6. fposte*

      Tasty Marzipan baby! I know you waited a while for him; I’m so glad he’s here and you’re having a great time.

  43. Belle*

    We also have a Costco membership. We save enough on gas alone to cover the fee. We also save quite a bit on nonperishable items, such as toilet paper, paper towels, tissues, diapers, etc.

    We do buy some of the food but make sure it is only what we can go through.

    If you go with the Executive membership, Costco will even refund the difference in membership fee if you don’t get it back from the 2% annual rewards.

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      I will mention that I got the executive, and the costco cash back card. As a household of one, it’s not quite as good as when we had 2 households using it (used to buy for an elderly relative).
      But my savings on the car insurance alone was enough to pay for it in one month, seriously. (Now, I also had some speeding tickets drop off).
      Their extras – the gas and the car insurance, are great. My rebate check from the store % back pays for the costco membership – my costco citicard cash back check actually bought my toilet paper, paper towels, and laundry detergent for the year (by my calculations). Since I also bulk cook, I do a lot of “giving” of items to friends in need. My generosity is in part paid for because I have been able to buy, say, 2 gal of milk for the price of one at my local chain grocery. I drop one off at a friends house with 4 teenagers and unemployment. I was well supplied with the bale+ of TP when covid hit; I shared TP with those who couldn’t find it. I do have to VERY consciously shop from a list and not succumb to the lure of their “fun stuff.” It helps

  44. Jen*

    I’ve been staying with my parents due to my house being renovated. My mom was babysitting my nephews and when my sister and brother-in-law came to pick them up, things were…..awkward. My sister kept making side remarks like, “Grandma gave you guys too much sugar!” or my brother-in-law said, “The television should be off. Grandma lets you watch too much tv.”

    It’s like, they’re the ones that dropped them off early in the morning and wanted them to spend the night. I don’t know if they feel guilty or something, but if they’re not happy with things, then get a baby-sitter? (I said that once when they were complaining about my mom when she wasn’t home and they said that they can’t afford one.)

    My mom doesn’t say anything because she’s afraid that they won’t let her see my nephews anymore. (That, and she’s tired from watching my nephews. They are 3 and 5.) The one time, my brother-in-law started an argument about politics and stormed out.

    I actually grew sick of their complaints, so I just left and went to the store. I feel bad because I left without saying anything, but I just couldn’t take it anymore.

    Has anyone had this happen? What did you do or say?

    1. Anonymous*

      Leave it up to Grandmother and sister/brother-in-law, but if they try to bring you into it, even just by complaining in your earshot and particularly behind your grandmother’s back, cut it off with “I won’t listen to complaints behind Grandmother’s back” and refuse to engage. I’ve found that will at least demonstrate that I am not a willing supporter of complaints about TV or sugar, even in cases where I can’t really insist that another relative run her household and relationships the way I’d prefer.

    2. Long drives*

      I would find a moment alone with my sister and ask WTF. But I have that kind of relationship with my sister; only you know how that would go over. (My sister has reined me in a time or two, so it’s a dynamic that works.)

      I def wouldn’t have said anything at that moment, and wouldn’t say anything while BIL is around. That sounds like a recipe for defensiveness.

      1. A313*

        Yeah, if you feel able to step in, then just with your sister and not when it’s happening. Just a mention of, hey, I don’t know if you realize how you sound critical when you’re picking up the kids. Mom enjoys the kids, and they enjoy Mom, and she managed to raise us ok, right?

        Otherwise, this would really tick me off, since the parents are well aware of the challenges of young kids and they are not being grateful at all. The kids were safe and well-cared-for while the parents were enjoying a break, and that’s pretty priceless.

    3. Amy*

      TL;DR: As long as the kids are safe and happy your sister and BIL need to let it go, and if they want the kids doing other activities at Grandma’s then they need to do the work beforehand to facilitate it.

      So, I think this is a prime example of “free childcare is never free.” Meaning, it’s not going to cost money… but it’s going to cost something else. Often the hidden cost is that you can’t really dictate what that care looks like because this isn’t an employee, it’s a family member helping you out. If you don’t like it then you have to either enter a negotiation with that family member or find other care.

      This is something my something my husband and I have been navigating with my MIL for several years now. She moved into an in-law unit at our house when my daughter was 1 (she is now 4), specifically to help us with childcare – something that is common in my husband’s culture. It has been an incredible help to us because as two working parents with relatively inflexible schedules and long hours, there are always things neither of us can cover (like when the child gets sick, daycare is closed, or we need to work late). It’s been absolutely crucial having her help during COVID since we haven’t had outside childcare since March, so the three of us rotate caring for her throughout the day. My MIL doesn’t charge us, but she does live here without paying any rent, utilities, or groceries, and everyone is happy with this arrangement.

      My MIL does her best to respect our wants for the time she spends caring for our daughter and safety is never a concern, but does she always do it the way we want? No. The two big things that come up frequently are the same things your sister and BIL mention: screen time and food. We would prefer our child eat healthy, protein-rich snacks like cheese and nuts whereas she often wheedles grandma into feeding her pancakes and bread. We also would rather she be doing things like puzzles or games, but she ends up watching kids’ shows in the iPad more than we would like. Grandma is also quick to give in to tantrums whereas we prefer to hold firm when we say “no.” I’ve had to let this stuff go to some extent because I’m sensitive to the fact that it’s really hard to keep a four-year-old entertained in the house (due to COVID and wildfire smoke, even playing in the yard isn’t an option for us these days), and the fact that my MIL is in her 70’s and trying to physically keep up with small children is exhausting. Doubly so in your sister’s situation, with two little ones! Do I still feel irritated when I go to collect my child and find her eating crackers and glued to the iPad? Sure. But I just have to let it go because we’re all doing the best we can. (And honestly, my siblings and I got whatever we wanted at grandma’s house too – usually sweets and Disney movies – and we weren’t scarred for life.)

      Things that have helped require prep work on our end before drop-off, such as providing snacks and activities for the child to do with Grandma. Perhaps your sister could pack the snacks she wants them to have. It’s no guarantee they’ll eat them, but it’s worth a try. I’ve had some success buying DIY kits (like “make your own soap” and the like) online for my daughter to do with grandma instead of screen time. Maybe your sister could print a recipe and bring ingredients for them to bake something together. Something new and fun usually wins out over the iPad. It would be great if grandma took the initiative to organize new activities herself (and sometimes our daughter’s does – in fact, she pretty much taught our child to read single-handedly) but that’s not something I would expect her to do. Again – not an employee.

      (Sidebar: I recently got into a somewhat heated online discussion with a new mom-to-be who was saying that she wouldn’t send her baby to daycare because she “didn’t trust strangers to raise her child” and grandma would be watching her full-time because family care is always best. Eh, she’ll learn. If I went to pick up my kid from daycare and they were eating crap and watching Daniel Tiger I would be pretty upset. Instead daycare workers are paid, and as a result have the time and bandwidth to do finger-painting and crafts and all manner of enriching activities day in and day out. Care by family members is great, but it’s hardly ever going to be exactly what you want it to be.)

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Since this is really your mom’s problem, speak to her before talking to your sister and BIL. Your mom might worry you will jeopardize her time with the grandkids, even though it’s HIGHLY unlikely your sister and BIL will stop the free babysitting. Depending on your mom’s input, you might speak up but wait until you’re not irritated. The words and tone of voice you use will be crucial.

      In my family, I’ve observed a few things about free babysitting by Grandma. (Your mother might be different.)
      1. Watching little kids for hours exhausts Grandma which is why she resorts to tv and screen time; it’s self-preservation. In my family, Grandma is in more pain and worse health than she lets on because she’s rather die than risk losing time with the grandkids. Grandma is not fast enough nor strong enough to handle certain situations. These situations might never occur, admittedly.
      2. My grandma’s ideas about parenting are at least 60 years behind the times and she can’t be convinced otherwise. Some of Grandma’s parenting is now known to be harmful to kids, e.g. feeding solid food to a newborn to make them sleep through the night, kids are immune to the effects of sugar and fat, etc.
      These issues are between Grandma and the parents. I’m not the parent, so my level of involvement is complicated/unwelcome.
      It’s a tough spot to be in. I can sympathize.

    5. Jen*

      Just as a note: My mom does give them fruit and veggies- she tries to limit sugar. The last time was sort of an exception because it was my brother-in-law’s birthday, so she had cookies and they made cotton candy.

      She also limits television for them- they go bike riding, play outside/go for walks, take baths, etc.

  45. Ali G*

    Hey All!
    I’m excited to share that on Monday, my husband and I started a 12-week fitness and weight loss program. We are on a strict diet (for now) and have pre-planned workouts. We are on day 6! So far so good. If anyone has any questions about what we are doing, I am happy to share.
    I need a little help to make sure our proteins are interesting enough to get us through the week. I am batch cooking everything over the weekend so that during the week there is no thinking, just work, working out, and eating the food.
    We aren’t allowed added salt, sugar, or a lot of fat (olive oil only sparingly).
    Today I am batch cooking cod for the week. Last week, I batch cooked boneless skinless chicken breasts. The breasts were kind of dry, especially after being refrigerated during the week.
    Do any of you smart people have some tips to make sure these proteins won’t be dry and bland? I would appreciate it so much!
    I’m off to paint my bathroom, so I’ll check back later. TIA!!

    1. Anonymous*

      Honestly with batch cooking proteins, I don’t attempt to cook more than three, maybe four days ahead. It just isn’t good after that. For things like chicken, for me it works better to say, make stir fry or fajitas and store with extra sauce but you may not be able to do that with your restrictions?

    2. university minion*

      Unfortunately, reheated boneless-skinless chicken breasts are the definition of dry and bland. Thighs will be a little better, but can still dry out.
      As for reheating fish, well, I have opinions about that (please don’t microwave it at work!).
      Beef/steak tips can hold up to reheating as does pork tenderloin if not overcooked.
      Here’s my personal favorite for protein that holds up to reheating well. They’re actually better cooled out and reheated, IMO. Sally’s Baking Addiction black bean patties: https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/best-black-bean-burgers/
      They’re tasty eaten as patties, but are also really excellent as a crumble on salad to make it more filling.
      A fritatta is another protein-heavy dish that can be made ahead and ingredients tailored to suit your restrictions.

    3. All the cats 4 me*

      Poaching fish or chicken breasts can help with the moisture issue – I use chicken broth mostly.

      For flavour, I like to mince green onions, cilantro, parsley, bell pepper, tomato, garlic, chives, basil, fresh ground pepper, smoked paprika, etc. (alone or in various combos) and serve with/on the protein. If you would like a sauce you can mix these with vinegar / lemon juice/ lime juice/ mustard/ olive oil/ sour cream /yogurt/ soft cheese etc to drizzle or dunk the protein and/or veg.

      Also balsamic vinegar and soy sauce can make a nice addition to both meats and vegetables to perk them up!

      Best wishes on your health journey!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Chicken can really dry out. I either do them in a crock pot or in the oven. For the oven, I put water in the baking dish and keep an eye to be sure they have water until they are cooked. I do the same with roasts, chops, etc.
      Make sure the meats are tightly covered in the fridge and consider freezing half for later in the week.

    5. Paperwhite*

      with Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts, try brining them before cooking. Also cook them hotter for less time, and let carryover cooking finish cooking them internally. But I also agree that batch cooking should be done twice a week, not just once.

      1. Paperwhite*

        Oh, I just noticed you can’t add salt and sugar. That takes out brining, then. If you can, try using the cooked breasts in salad and other dishes where they don’t need to be reheated?

      2. Clisby*

        Also, in my experience, chicken breast is better if you start with the skin-on breasts. The meat won’t dry out so much during cooking, and you can remove the skin after to get rid of most of the fat.

    6. Roja*

      Use za’atar! It’s delicious and will make chicken taste fantastic without need for anything else.

    7. HBJ*

      I would get thighs instead. In my experience, breasts are almost always dry. I bought them accidentally and made fajitas the other day, and even with the sauce, they were noticeably dry.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      For chicken, I’d poach rather than roast or fry. Put some aromatics in the poaching liquid (onion, celery, bay leaf etc), simmer until almost done and then let them cool in the liquid. This will keep them nice and moist. For thighs/legs, you could slowly roast or braise them, skin on, and remove the skin afterwards (it will help them stay moist and add flavour). You can also poach a whole chicken (with skin and bones) and shred it for use after it cools. Keep some liquid with the shredded/sliced meat, to keep it from drying out.

      I find roast pork shoulder very flavourful, even without seasoning. Cook it slowly in the oven, let it cool, slice, and then drizzle some broth between the slices before putting it in the fridge to keep it from drying out. When heating up the meat, add a bit of liquid (broth or water) when you warm it up – that will help the dry part.

      I really wouldn’t do pre-cooked fish for more than one night of leftovers, though. But a day or two of fish packets in foil (a piece of fish, some sliced vegetables, herbs) is tasty. Again, leave the skin on for flavour and moisture. Or steamed/broiled fish with a citrus salsa.

      In general, lean protein is going to be on the dry side if you don’t add liquids or fat, or at least cover it in sauce. High collagen cuts will stand up to slower cooking and be tender without a lot of fat – think chicken legs rather than breasts, beef shanks, pork shoulder instead of tenderloin.

      Have you considered batch cooking stews and soups, rather than plain protein? A vegetable heavy chicken stew with tomatoes, beef stew with mushrooms, onions, carrots, celery and potatoes, chickpea and tomato curry, etc? That tends to reheat better than plain cooked chicken breasts.

    9. Jemima Bond*

      I don’t mean to be discouraging but I don’t think a plain skinless chicken breast without so much as salt is ever going to be tasty – I think some of the spicing/flavouring suggestions below (za’atar is a good idea, and nice on fish too, or for chicken ras el hanout is great).
      As for cooking – I think advance batch cooking a plain piece of fish is an all round bad idea. It’s never going to be nice and it’s just not necessary – you can cook a piece of salmon, for example, in a foil parcel in the oven in less than twenty mins and it is very low effort. Or even more quickly on a low setting in the microwave (no foil obvs).
      Similarly boneless chicken done this way is quick and easy too. You could have the seasoned parcels ready in the fridge so chucking them in the oven or microwave would be as quick as reheating them and the result will be less like chewing a flip-flop!

      I am surprised you are not allowed even a sprinkle of normal salt on an otherwise unsalted plain piece of protein. I don’t see the weight loss benefit and frankly I think it raises the likelihood of you not sticking to the diet if your meals taste of sod all!

      But I don’t want to be a negative Nancy – hope you find some seasoning options that you like and that the diet works out!

    10. Anonymous*

      Thanks All! I should have been a little more clear. We cant cook the protein with other things, mostly because we need to weigh all our portions. BUT I do make my own unsalted chicken stock, so I think the next time I make chicken, I will poach it, or at least cook it in the broth to help keep it moist. The first 2 weeks are the most restrictive – the salt thing is to help get rid of bloat (and frankly I think to see quick results). I’ve lost almost 3 pounds in 6 days – obviously mostly water weight. I am very bad with portion control, so for right now, I need to keep protein, greens/veg, and rice separate, otherwise we will overeat on the things we prefer (rice, lol).
      I am going to use a lot of these suggestions – thank you all so much!!!

      1. Toothless*

        I’m coming at this late, but here’s some of my favorite protein sources that require very little prep!
        – frozen green peas and edamame are good both thawed in the fridge or microwaved, are relatively cheap, and have a lot of protein (and fiber) for the calories. Hopefully combining greens/veg with protein will work for your portion control still :)
        – eggs! Either fried over easy or in egg drop soup, which adds even more protein if you use bone broth
        – protein oats: combination of overnight soaked oats and a protein shake. The oatmeal adds some fiber and gives the shake a nicer texture and covers up the artificial taste that protein powder can have, and the protein powder adds flavor and the protein. I make it with unsweetened soymilk for extra protein.
        – spinach chicken salad: vinaigrette + 1-2 servings of baby spinach + can of shredded chicken. Super easy and very good if you use a nice balsamic vinegar.
        – high-protein yogurt cups like Two Good or Oikos Triple Zero

        These are more balanced items that I plan to keep eating forever, so they might not be strict enough for what you’re doing, but for me they strike a balance of easily and inexpensively hitting base protein and fiber goals in a minimum of calories.

  46. Laura H.*

    What fun stuff/ things you’re looking forward to do you have going on this weekend?

    Getting my Flu shot this morning and then a favorite singer is doing a live stream concert of show tunes this afternoon. I hope it’s worth the money. (Not that I doubt it won’t be but there’s understandable apprehension when one drops money on something like that…) I’m excited.

    What about y’all?

    1. Randomity*

      My sister took me and the kid to drive through Costa this afternoon. We’re in an area with local restrictions in place but she’s my support bubble so I can still see her. It was lovely to have a change of scenery.

      Tomorrow I’m back at a book group I haven’t been to for months, albeit online. Looking forward to it.

        1. Randomity*

          I also jointly run a book group, we moved online back in March. It’s a bit harder to ensure everyone gets a chance to speak but it’s much better than missing out entirely.

    2. CTT*

      FWIW, I just watched a live show one of my favorite bands did on Thursday, and it was an absolute delight. I hope yours goes well!

      I have to work most of this weekend, but I’m hoping to hit the plant store before they close, and I’m getting takeout from one of my favorite places.

    3. Nessun*

      Tarot cards, crystal shopping, and video games! My weekend is full of self-care and online social fun – looking forward to it.

    4. Anonymous*

      It’s the first day of my month-long sabbatical from work, and I’m doing almost nothing! I might make cookies (chocolate cardamom sugar). I will probably work on the list of all the things I want to do during my sabbatical. The list is currently about 75% baking and cooking.

      1. lily*

        Those cookies sound delicious! I support any list that is 75% baking and cooking! What are you wanting to make?

    5. Laura H.*

      The performance was beautiful! Well worth the money. May just buy for the next stream too… fabulous.

      Hope your good things are lovely!

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I finally have full access to a kitchen so I plan to clean and cook. Little joys.

    7. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I’ve done two online concerts and I’m doing a third tonight. I really like the format. Very different from a normal concert but it can also be much more intimate and interactive. Not to mention cheaper, at least for the ones I’ve seen.

    8. OyHiOh*

      I’m meeting a group of urban sketchers Sunday afternoon to sit on a rock and sketch landscapes for two hours.

  47. SleepyAndTired*

    I was offered a job and am supposed to start as soon as a background check is done, so sometime next week, but I don’t know exactly when. My problem is I’ve been unemployed and have gradually gotten on a “bad” sleep schedule. (Going to bed at 3:00 AM and getting up at 11:00 AM. I’m naturally a night owl and struggle to go to bed early and get up early when I have no reason to. I’m just more awake at night.) I got the job offer on Thursday, so I’ve been trying to shift my sleep schedule, but it’s going horribly so far. I’m going to have to be getting up around 6:00 AM when I start working, so it’s a huge shift. Anyone have any tips?

    (Note: I figured this would go in the weekend thread instead of the Friday work thread because my problem is being caused by a job, but it’s not about the actual job or any aspect of the job itself. Sorry if that was wrong.)

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I have this problem too (except for the job offer, congrats!) and it’s hard for me since I’m basically in a cave and can’t see natural light most of the day, so I lose the light cues that tell me it’s nighttime.

      I’ve been trying to do things during the day to make myself tired so I’ll go to bed earlier. Good sleep hygiene can help too:
      -Try to avoid screen time before bed or use a filter on the computer or phone to reduce the blue light that keeps you awake.
      -Have a bedtime ritual you go through to signal your body it’s time to sleep (shower, teeth brushing, etc.).
      -Get up and go to sleep at the same time every day, even on weekends.

    2. Alex*

      Do you have any friends who are early birds? Would they be willing to text you early in the morning for a few days to get you in the habit of getting up early? I find that when a friend texts me, my brain wakes up much more reliably than it does to an alarm. Just that social interaction part of my brain that gets activated gets me going.

      Pick someone you really like, though, so you don’t feel resentful towards them! Haha.

      I wouldn’t recommend trying to go to bed earlier before you get yourself getting up earlier though–going to bed when you aren’t tired won’t help. You’ll have to endure a few nights with a lot less sleep but you can overcome that.

    4. Not A Girl Boss*

      Melatonin can be super helpful to shock your system into a different schedule. Just don’t use it long term.

      Get sun / red light exposure first thing when you wake up.

      Avoid blue light exposure 2 hours before bed. I used to just wear blue light blocking glasses, but then I read about how social media can activate your “fight or flight” response so I’ve been leaving my phone in another room, and it’s been incredibly helpful.

    5. Pharmgirl*

      I’ve never been as much of a night owl but I tend to go through bouts of insomnia that shift my sleep schedule, or I’ll have late shifts at work for a week and then get switched to morning ones, and I’ve had to shift my schedule. So I’m not sure if this will work for you, but here’s my suggestion.

      What’s the shortest amount of sleep you think you can run on? Like, what if you tried to go to bed at your usual 3 AM, but just woke up at 8 or 9 instead or 11? Then, try not to nap and see if you can go to bed at 12 or 1. And keep shifting it earlier that way?

      Also, I saw a recommendation a few years back on another open thread for a sleep app by Paul Mckenna. It’s technically for insomnia but there might be some tips for you.

    6. Summersun*

      I tend towards the same thing–I would go to bed at sunrise if I could. When I get far off track, like over Christmas vacation, I set myself up for one day near the end to reset. I make sure I won’t need to drive, stock up on nutritious food, then stay awake two days in a row and just suffer through it. It sucks, but it’s fast and effective.

    7. Jemima Bond*

      I’m not experienced in this personally but if you are trying to adjust your schedule gradually, I wonder if it might work better to start from the principle of getting up earlier rather than beginning with trying to go to bed earlier? My logic is this – if you wake at eleven and go, ok tonight I’ll go to bed at midnight, you won’t feel tired. But if you say ok, whatever time I go to bed, I’m setting my alarm to get up at ten, or nine or whatever is realistic to start with. Then by the following evening it will be easier to go to bed a bit earlier, say at one am. Then adjust a bit more the next morning.

    8. RagingADHD*

      I have read that some people can successfully shift their sleep schedule quickly (reducing jet lag, for example) by doing a timed fast.

      You plan your intended breakfast time, and then stop consuming any calories 14-16 hours before that. Then when you get up, get natural light exposure as soon as possible, preferably within about 20 minutes.

      It doesn’t eliminate the shock to your system altogether, but anecdotally it helps reduce issues with grogginess & an out of sync body clock.

  48. GoryDetails*

    Reading recommendations thread: what have you read lately that you’d recommend to others?

    [Techno tip: today I’ve found that not only do we need to re-enter our screen names with each post, due presumably to the site-security concerns, but that if I don’t enter my screen name *before* I start typing my post, it apparently registers as yet another anonymous post and I get a “you’re posting too quickly” error message. So if your posts aren’t going through, try filling in the “Name” field before you start typing the text.]

    Fun reads for me include:

    INSTALLING LINUX ON A DEAD BADGER and other stories, by Lucy A. Snyder: amusing cyber-necromancy stories, based on posts from Slashdot.

    ROMANCING THE WEREWOLF by Gail Carriger, a follow-on to her “Parasol Protectorate” series, in which werewolves Professor Lyall and Biffy *finally* get together.

    THE LAST DOG ON EARTH by Adrian J. Walker, a post-nuclear-apocalypse tale from the viewpoint of the dog and his owner, with some entertaining, sometimes touching, occasionally heart-wrenching contrasts between the ways the dog and the human view their increasingly-traumatic world. [There are funny bits too – it’s not all bleak. But the bleak bits are quite harrowing.]

    1. Randomity*

      I’m part way through Natives by Akala. Great book about race and class in Britain. Hard read though.

      Recently finished Silver Sparrow by Tayari Jones which was really good.

    2. AP.*

      Two books I read this week and enjoyed:

      * Stories of Your Life and Others, Ted Chiang – One of the best science fiction short story collections I have ever read. One of them, “Story of Your Life”, was turned into the movie Arrival.
      * The Disaster Artist: My Life Inside The Room, the Greatest Bad Movie Ever Made, Greg Sestero and Tom Bissell – I wanted to read this before watching the James Franco movie, and the book doesn’t disappoint. I burst out laughing at several points. I also re-watched The Room, which I hadn’t seen in something like 15 years and it’s just as illogical and inane as I remembered.

      1. GoryDetails*

        “* Stories of Your Life and Others, Ted Chiang – One of the best science fiction short story collections I have ever read. One of them, “Story of Your Life”, was turned into the movie Arrival.”

        I read that one – under its movie-tie-in reissue title “Arrival”. I enjoyed a number of the stories, and liked “Story of Your Life” a bit better than the movie, though both had some excellent bits. The stories with spins on the Tower of Babel and golems were among my favorites. [More of my comments on my BookCrossing copy here: https://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/14674626/ ]

    3. All the cats 4 me*

      By Gabrielle Zevin:

      The storied life of AJ Fikry
      Elsewhere
      The hole we’re in
      Young jane young

      Just read them all back to back and enjoyed them very much!

    4. Nicki Name*

      A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine – part space opera, part murder mystery, part political machinations in a doomed empire, all good.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss (title supposed to be in italics – sorry)
      I have no illusions about being a top-notch negotiator. I just wanted the ability to spot the tactics if used on me.
      Chris writes about hostage negotiations and violent incidents. If that’s an issue for you, there’s a book that summarizes Chris’s book. I read the summary book first and didn’t get much out of it. So I bought the original and am glad I read it but – Holy Cow! – don’t read it right before bedtime!

    6. Jen Erik*

      I’ve just finished Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. While I really enjoyed the first Temeraire books, I found the ending of book 4 so annoying that I stopped reading the series. But I liked the sound of this one – it’s set in a wizarding school, where you spend your entire secondary school life, with monsters attacking all the time. The heroine is an immensely powerful evil enchantress, who was raised by a lovely mum, who inculcated her with thoroughly decent values. (In one sense it does end on a cliff-hanger, but not one I found annoying – it read more like a teaser for the next book.)

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Novick’s two standalones based on Slavic folklore are excellent – Spinning Silver and Uprooted. I’ve got Deadly Education on my to-buy list, but I’ll wait for the price to drop a bit.

        I finished N.K. Jemisin’s Dreamblood Duology yesterday, which was an enjoyable and dense read.

      2. Loopy*

        I just started this last night. I’ve absolutely loved every single thing I’ve read by Novik (Temeraire series, Spinning Silver, and Uprooted) but ironically I’m actually struggling a little bit to get into the flow of this book even though I LOVE the premise. Did you like it?

    7. Anonymous*

      I just made a separate post – I’m reading New York 2140 (Kim Stanley Robinson) this weekend.

      As a general rule, I do not usually care for alternative history, fantasy, or dystopian/utopian fiction and although this one kind of hits all of those categories in one way or another, I completely love the story. Worth trying out, even if those genres aren’t usually something you read.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I just took the ride through “Lovecraft Country” by Matt Ruff. Immediately gave it to my husband to read so I can talk about it with someone.

    9. Purt’s Peas*

      I really, really liked Piranesi by Susanna Clarke. I found it incredibly beautiful and it had a way of unfolding itself that I really loved.

    10. OtterB*

      I have been rereading several interlocking series by MCA Hogarth. There’s a comfort-read series beginning with Mindtouch about two alien roommates in a xenopsychology program and their ace romance. There’s a space opera beginning with Earthrise (which is often free as an ebook) about a multi-species trader crew and their adventures. There’s a series called Prince’s Game, beginning with Even the Wingless. This is very rewarding but much of it is dark/violent – not usually my preference. The author says she recognizes that not everyone wants that in their reading and she has a summary of those volumes available so you can read that if you want to know what happened (to link the other books together) but don’t want to immerse in the details. And there are several sequels beyond those as characters and locations from the three series interact and move their society forward, but I wouldn’t start anywhere other than one of those 3 beginning points.

  49. Joan Rivers*

    After not being happy w/salons, I started edging into cutting my own hair. Now I do the back without even looking, by feel, and just trim it whenever I think of it. Since it’s short it’s both easier and harder than long hair. I spritz it w/water first, then shape it.

    I also color it myself, because I have a weird graying pattern. I learned to go much lighter than my natural color, which turns the gray into highlights.

    It saves not just money but also frustration, w/no one telling me, “I know you said you wanted X but I did Y.” And then having to tip them.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Good for you! Sounds like you needed to switch stylists anyway!
      I’m also sporting a DIY Covid Cut. I can’t do the back properly, so I rely on a baseball cap and a mask. Oy.

    2. OyHiOh*

      I’ve cut my hair most of my adult life. I have a weird curl pattern – some pieces are tight S waves and others are Shirley Temple ringlets tending towards loose coils – and a texture that is stupidly sensitive to environment (I lived in a different state for the summer and my hair threw a 4 month temper tantrum about that!) and I’ve never, ever had a professional cut that I liked. I’ve had bubble cuts, cube cuts, and pyramid cuts, but never a pretty, easy to maintain curly cut. Same as you, it was endlessly annoying and frustrating to get cuts I immediately hated, and still have to pay and tip for the work.

      For a long time, I just kept it very short – about two inches long all over – but decided to go with an asymetrical cut about four years ago and have been maintaining that without professional intervention ever since. It works because the long part is all off the left side of my head and I’m right handed so exactly where I need to be able to see it and work it comfortably. Everything else gets shaved off with a #3 guide on the clippers.

  50. Anoushka*

    After all the accolades Schitt’s Creek got recently, I decided to give it another go. I tried it a while ago but couldn’t get through the first few episodes. This time I held out til the end of the first season and… I still don’t get why it’s so popular? Like I keep reading about how clever the humour is and that it’s different to anything else on offer, but I’m just not getting what the big deal is. It seems fairly run of the mill. Does it get substantially better after the first season or something?

    1. nep*

      Tastes are so different, and especially when it comes to what makes one laugh. There are certain shows people are obsessed with for which I couldn’t/wouldn’t spare one minute.

    2. ThatGirl*

      It does get better, but if you totally hate the first season it just might not be your thing. Moira’s fruit wine commercial was what did it for me.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Yes! The fruit wine commercial is exactly the moment the show got me. When she’s going through the different variations of Herb Ertlinger and says something like “Bing Golingf*cker” I actually laughed out loud (I don’t do that a lot, for most shows) and I knew at that moment the show had me.

      2. Southern Academic*

        I mean, I know people who like it starting in the second season? And some of the sweetest plot points come a little later on (S3/4).

        But I was hooked w/in about four episodes, so yeah, if you don’t like it after the end of the 1st season, you may not like it.

    3. Nessun*

      I’m not a fan, and you have my support for your opinion – some shows are just not meant for us. Myself, I’ve never understood the appeal of most sitcoms, no matter how well I’m told they’re written. I’ve been told to give more time to Seinfeld, HIMYM, Big Bang, Corner Gas, and Brooklyn 99 – all of which I’ve never enjoyed. I’m glad the people behind Schitt’s Creek have got the accolades, because I understand they worked very hard, and lots of people love it – but I’m not one.

      1. AGD*

        Same here. I do have a sense of humor (as far as I can tell, anyway), but sitcoms either bore me to tears or make me feel bad for some of the characters, or both.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I felt this way about Friends; just could not ever get into it. I love Schitt’s Creek, though. I love a good fish-out-of-water story.

    5. GoryDetails*

      I have similar feelings about it. I love the actors in nearly everything (else) they’ve done, and I did appreciate some of the more touching bits in the final episodes (I sometimes tune in to a series when it’s doing a Big Finale, just in case it makes me want to go back and watch the whole thing), but a lot of it is the kind of cringe-comedy that I don’t care for. A pity, as I’ll generally watch Eugene Levy or Catherine O’Hara in anything – and I was charmed that Levy’s real-life kids played the in-story kids.

    6. merp*

      I would say the show gets more into the character arcs in the second season, the comedy gets kinder and less cringe-based, and for me, the season finales from season 2 on get me very emotional. I also a) relate way too hard to David Rose and b) love the show more for the growth of the characters than the comedy aspect, so if those don’t float your boat, it just may not be your thing!

    8. fhgwhgads*

      It took me til the third season to be into it. I wouldn’t have continued on my own but was watching at the request of a dear friend. (but unfortunately I don’t think skipping ahead will help…it’s a cumulative thing)

    9. annakarina1*

      I tried watching it with the first few episodes, and wasn’t into it. It isn’t bad, I just didn’t find it funny or interesting.

      My roommate was into it way earlier on, he was ahead of the curve. He also got into Letterkenny and Black Mirror too before they really blew up.

    10. fposte*

      I haven’t been able to stick Schitt’s Creek myself. There are things about it that I liked and I’ve definitely got the impression that I’d like it better starting in the second season, but I have a very, very low tolerance for the Annoying Character Everybody Puts Up With for Reasons (see also: Keeping Up Appearances), so that overbalances the show for me.

      1. Summersun*

        This character also infuriates me and ruins SO MANY shows. I hate Kramer, and Phoebe, and Sheldon, and Dwight, and Gina Linetti…that trope needs to die.

    11. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Sometimes shows just aren’t a good fit. I tried 3x to get in to The office and 3rd time was the charm. Tbh I’m usually skeptical of anything that’s winning so many awards. Maybe I’ just have basic/low brow taste idk.

    12. achoo*

      Same boat. I watched most of Season 1 and ugh. People kept insisting it got better, so I tried jumping around to watch “best of” episodes. Ugh.

      I know “to each their own” but for me, I think it’s more personal. I grew up lower middle class; the phone, electricity, and heat were cut off at various times. I had enough to eat and an exceptional safety net of aunts and uncles, but I don’t think I will ever find humor in rich people having to live in motel rooms while being oblivious to their immense privilege.

      And, that realization helps me realize why I resent the “awww, you need to give it a chance” crowd. ( Not anyone here, just the greater Internet.)

    13. No Tribble At All*

      My friends had us skip ahead to the middle of season 3, when Patrick is introduced, and I liked it from there. It’s half heartwarming and half, like, well at least I’m not as messed up a person as Moira? Out of interest I started watching from s1 as well and it’s pretty different. Everyone in s1 is a shitty person lol. I don’t know that I would’ve liked it from s1. I also don’t know how re-watchable it will be if I already know what will happen/ what things will be cringy.

    14. Anonymous*

      It’s so interesting that most people say they didn’t get hooked until season 3. We were hooked from the first episode, but found season 3/4 a little slow! Anyway, I agree with others, if you aren’t into it after an entire season, it’s OK to skip :)

    15. Courageous cat*

      Schitt’s Creek is a VERY specific type of humor. So much of it is in the one-off moments and facial expressions and ways they say things. It is perfect for me but I can imagine it not being the type of humor for plenty of people. So if you’re not into it after the first 5-6 episodes I’d say don’t bother!

  51. Paige Turner*

    Good morning everyone, I’m hoping the knowledgeable folks at AAM can assist with an annoying issue I’m having with bras. I have a very large chest – 46H-I and the straps keep slipping off my shoulders, no matter what bra I’m wearing. I’ve purchased various styles, and the little silicone pads that are supposed to keep my straps from slipping off. Well, they don’t work. The owner of the specialty store I normally buy bras at has suggested surgical tape. Which peels my skin off when my straps slip. Which they do, constantly. I’ve pulled them up about 8 times in the past hour, they slipped just from my using my arms. At the place we don’t discuss on weekends, it seems unprofessional. And frankly, it’s annoying AF. Suggestions please? A reduction isn’t something I’m willing to do at this point, my health insurance won’t pay for it and since I just had surgery on my ankle, I never want to go through any type of surgery again. I do keep my straps as tight as possible, but the weight of my chest makes them slip down…. I’ve just had it – this morning is pretty much the end of my rope…. I’ve had a horrible past 2 weeks….Thank you for any suggestions ….

    1. nep*

      In a thrift store yesterday, I saw a cute back with straps that were non-slip. Do they make bras with that inside the straps? Maybe that’s what you’re referring to–that which you said hasn’t worked. I don’t know of any specific recommendations, but your question reminded me of this bag I saw with the very non-slip straps.

    2. Llama face!*

      I don’t have a large chest but do have more sloping shoulders I think which makes for the same strap slipping issue. One thing I’ve found helpful is bras where the back end of the straps are sewn in closer to the middle of the bra (or sometimes there is a second loop if they are the removable type of strap). Not a full racer back but you end up wuth a slight V shape- hope this makes sense to visualize. I don’t know if this is a sewing fix that you could get done at a seamstress- perhaps others can comment on that- but if you spy any bras with this design while shopping they maybe worth a try.

      1. SpellingBee*

        Same here – sloping shoulders! In addition to checking where the straps fasten to the band in the back, also pay attention to where they are fastened to the cups in the front. If the strap is way to the outside of the cup, it’s guaranteed to slip on me. I need bras where the strap comes more from the middle. That means I can’t wear balconette bras, but oh well. My current favorite is the Wacoal Retro Chic Full Figure underwire.

    3. Enough*

      Sounds like you need a bra with straps that cross in the back. There are clips you can get that will bring the straps together.

      1. A313*

        I was thinking this, too, where there is a clip that brings the straps toward the middle, to make it more of a racer-back style?

      2. Skeeder Jones*

        Yes this. I was coming to say the same thing. You can get a strap that wraps around the shoulder straps in the back and keeps them on. I have sloping shoulders too and it drives me nuts when I have to spend my whole day pulling up the straps.

    4. ThatGirl*

      When my shoulder straps start slipping it usually means there is a different problem. Are you sure you have the right band size? The band should also be lower on your back than you might think, well under your shoulder blades. Try pulling the back down more. Good luck, I know how annoying that is.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Have you tried lingerie straps in your tops? They are quite easy to add yourself if you can hand sew at all, otherwise maybe have a tailor put in a few for you to see if they are helpful.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Similar problem – I have narrow shoulders. I did a couple things –
        1)older bras, I had a clip thing that goes through the straps in the back and pulls them closer together, sort of making a racer back. IF you are handy, they may have stretched out, so you might have to either take a tuck in the back band to tighten it up, or you may need to put on strap extensions and make the back criss-cross.
        2) measured and got new bras (over time) – worth the money after all, because my annoyance was over the moon too. I found a) I had a very narrow back and needed band/ cup size changes (for me, bigger cup and smaller back, as in theory, the band should hold you up even without straps) and b) some brands have bras made with the starter of the back straps, inset very close to the hooks, so the back has a small “V” and c) some of the really good sport bras (and yes, at our cup size, they are all spendy) have a really good racer back.

        1. LDF*

          I totally second the bra converters. There’s some clips that bring the straps all the way together but I like the kind that just pull them a bit closer together. I don’t want to post a link while the moderation queue is probably full up due to the tech issue, but one example is searching for “PURE STYLE Girlfriends Women’s Haute Strap Set Of 2 Converter Straps Bra” on Amazon. (Never tried this brand, just to illustrate the idea.) A note that they may warp your straps if you use them a lot, especially if the straps are wide, but I was okay with that.

          1. Cedrus Libani*

            Thirding the bra converters. I set them so they’re not pulling on the straps, they’re just sitting there at shoulder blade height, holding the straps the correct distance apart for resting on top of my shoulders (but I have sloping shoulders, so the straps want to fall off, and the converter prevents this).

            I don’t know how easy it is to find a converter that works with the more engineered bras – I’m a B cup, the straps on my bras are just the standard stretchy things, and the converters I use have clips that fit that kind of strap – but in principle, you could just hand-sew a length of that sort of stretchy material between any kind of straps.

    6. Alex*

      Are you sure you’re wearing the right size bra? Strap slippage is a symptom that the bra doesn’t fit well. Especially if the store you shop at doesn’t carry what would truly be your size, salespeople will often try to fit someone with whatever they *do* have. As someone with a “weird” bra size, I have had that happen to me.

      I’d suggest going online and purchasing a few bras in some sister sizes–like a band size down and a cup size up, etc. Take some online bra quizzes. Measure yourself really thoroughly. There are plenty of sizes available online but stores have limited options.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I was just coming to say this. Even with being professionally sized I had the same problem. My gut was telling me the cup size was too big so I ignored what I was being told and tries a smaller cup size and sure enough, they stopped slipping!

        I suggest going on Amazon or something like that with free returns, then you can buy multiple sizes. Try up and down cup sizes and see what happens.

      2. WS*

        This is true but also some people just have narrower shoulders than the fit model! If I buy US, German or Scandinavian brands I tend to find the straps sitting very wide on my shoulders and prone to sliding off; UK and French brands not so much.

    7. Anono-me*

      Short term-Most of my tops have loops to help them stay on the hangers. I usually wrap the loop string around my bra strap if it a strap slip day.

      Long term- most of my tops have higher necklines and sleeves . So alot of my bras are actually cheap light support ‘sports’ bras. They actually are so light support that they are comfortable, but about the only sport that I would use them for is croquet.

    8. Anonymous*

      I’m about the same size as you, and have never been able to keep bra straps up. Have always blamed by sloping-downhill shoulders. They do sell ‘gadgets’ that convert a regular bra to more of a racerback, which I have found awkward to use, but you could give it a try…. good luck

    9. lily*

      This doesn’t help immediately (others have given some suggestions for that!), but from my understanding, typically bra straps falling is a band size issue. It’s likely you are wearing the wrong size. the band is where almost all of the support a bra gives is supposed to come from. So when you buy new bras, try a smaller band. You should be able to take a few steps with minimal falling down without the straps over your shoulders at all. My chest isn’t as large as yours, but bras are still an issue, I feel your pain. Good luck!

    10. Auntie Social*

      I have much better luck with front–close bras. I have narrow sloping shoulders and since the strap is really incorporated into the body of the bra it’s far less slip–prone. Find one online and look at how the back is constructed.

    11. HBJ*

      Bra strap holders might work. Google it and you’ll find ones that hold the straps in a racer back style or ones that are a strip of fabric so it holds the straps a bit but not super close together like a racer back.

    12. WS*

      Some clothes have bra strap keepers in the shoulder seams – as a narrow-shouldered busty woman I find them very handy, and you can make your own.

    13. Belgian*

      I have this problem as well due to sloping shoulders and switched to exclusively wearing racerback bras.

    14. Zooey*

      I have a lot of problems with bra straps slipping (also large chested though a bit smaller than you). I’ve found it does make a huge difference if I can find a bra with the straps positioned further in on the band. The thing I haven’t tried but think might help is those little adapters that make it into more of a racer back style – they’re pretty cheap so a good first step?

  53. WellRed*

    Among the stuff I’ve inherited and am trying to rehome is a Mac desktop computer. Alas, it’s password protected and I have no way of getting that. Suggestions?

    1. LDF*

      If you’re not interested in saving any files, google “factory reset” plus the computer model. You should be able to totally wipe it and start fresh.

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      Hold down Cmd-Option-R during bootup and boot into Internet recovery mode. You should from there, be able to use Disk Utility to erase and reinstall. If you’re prompted for a password before you can launch Disk Utility, look the top menu bar. There should be an option there to erase the drive.

  54. Elizabeth West*

    Alison, something is wrong here; the site is no longer saving name and email even though the box to do so is checked. Also, I got a Cloudflare alert before I could get here; anyone else experience this?

    1. NoLongerYoung*

      Alison posted about this (either above or yesterday) – they have increased security. Not an issue with this site, but to help protect, was my interpretation.

    2. Enough*

      The host site was hacked and these are current security measures while everything is being checked out.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oh, okay. Thanks, y’all.

        I should check mine, gah; my stuff is on WordPress too. I haven’t received any messages about it, though.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Yep, a bunch of security and tech issues happening at once — more here:
      https://www.askamanager.org/2020/10/a-tech-update.html

      I’m slowly putting things back to normal, one by one and with pauses between each to make sure no problems return — so you should notice gradually returning functionality. (Although if problems start back up, I will have to revert back to the higher security stuff again. But I’m cautiously optimistic.)

      2. Anon*

        Sorry you are dealing with this. Just an FYI, I’m using Google Chrome and the site keeps reloading and putting me back at the top of the comments, so I’m losing my place as I read. Also, I usually read blogs and news sites through a Duck Duck Go browser and that isn’t loading at all now.

  55. achoo*

    Any cleaning gurus?

    I have a huge walk in shower with one of those rainshower heads and a dark tiled floor with white grout. Soap scum is my enemy. I’ve tried scrubbing bubbles and kaboom and not only is the soap scum still there, but these seem to add a layer of white residue I can’t get rid of. I follow the directions: 1) apply product 2) wait a few minutes 3) wipe off with a sponge 4) rinse. Because the showerhead only sprays water straight down, 90% of the shower has to be rinsed by hand. I fill a bucket and throw it on the floor again and again until there are no bubbles. It looks great! And then it dries and ARGH, the tiles look filthy.

    Just now, I went back and scrubbed the tiled with a wet cloth. Of course, while wet, it looked great. But as it’s drying, I see the white coming back.

    Help me exorcise this soap scum!

          1. PX*

            Vinegar is ideal for hard water. It shouldnt affect your tiles, but maybe check first, but white vinegar, maybe diluted if you can get the extra strong stuff works wonders on hard water.

            You might also want to try some general all purpose cleaner plus vinegar and see if it works. Its my go to and works better than any targeted product I’ve found.

        2. Chaordic One*

          If it is something like calcium from hard water you might need to use something stronger to clean it, something like “Lime Away” or “CLR”. If you do try something stronger, remember to wear rubber gloves when cleaning and to keep the area well ventilated because the stronger cleaners can cause skin burns and have noxious fumes.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Soap scum: get a dryer sheet, dampen, wipe, rinse. There is nothing I’ve found that works better!

    4. Nicole76*

      I recently heard mixing vinegar with Dawn dish soap works really well. Someone suggested heating up the vinegar first (and letting cool before mixing in a spray bottle). I’m unsure of the ratios but I’m sure Google can help with that. Once you do get it removed, a squeegee from the dollar store works wonders to keep things clean. I haven’t had to deep clean my shower nearly as often since I started using the squeegee after each shower.

    5. 00ff00Claire*

      Look into Bio Clean Soap Scum Stain Remover. It looks and smells like runny toothpaste, and it is mildly abrasive, so check that it will work on your tiles. It takes some elbow grease but got soap scum off our shower door better than a magic eraser did. I’ve also had decent success with a product called wet and forget for general shower maintenance. It seems to keep soap scum at bay, if used regularly, but you may need to get the current layer off first.

    7. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Zep Shower, Tub & Tile Cleaner.
      I used to clean professionally and I swear by Zep products.
      Wear gloves and make sure that your door is open.

    8. Melody Pond*

      Assuming it is soap scum, and not hard water residue as others have wisely suggested – try a mixture of liquid dish soap and baking soda. Mix them together such that you’ve got a consistency like toothpaste, and then use the scouring side of a damp or wet sponge to scrub the mixture on your tiles. I’d start with about a cup’s worth of the mixture, by volume, and see how far that gets you.

      If it’s soap scum, it should come off pretty easily – baking soda is mildly abrasive and so fairly good at removing stubborn build-up clinging to your surfaces.

  56. Alex*

    I’m way too old for this, but for Reasons, I’m wayyyyyyyyyy behind the curve in terms of romantic relationship experience. I haven’t quite figured out my identity, which is probably part of the problem–I think I might be some mix of ace/gray with a desire for a romantic-ish relationship with someone of the same sex.

    I’m way too old to be still figuring this out, and for a long time I was content not dating and accepting that was who I was. But then I developed this enormous crush on a friend. And for a long time a little piece of me was hoping something would come of it, even though I didn’t even know what I had in mind. All I knew was that I liked her SO MUCH. And, well, still do, but this week it became crystal clear that she definitely does not return my feelings in that way. She still doesn’t know how I feel, but we had some conversations that tangentially touched on the fact that we would never ever date.

    How do I get past this? Crushes are so rare for me that I don’t really have any experience with this. I can’t bear to think of not being friends with her, but she has started dating someone and I’m really struggling with hearing about it. At some point she’ll probably want me to meet her.

    I know this sounds like stuff people should have worked through in high school, but honestly I feel like this is my first ever broken heart. I feel like I can’t tell anyone in real life except my therapist, who is on vacation for the next two weeks. How do people deal with this? I mean, I know most people do at some point. Unrequited feelings are common. But I’m so inexperienced and all my friends think of me as someone who doesn’t *have* feelings. Anyway, I’m just kind of struggling this week and looking for advice.

    1. Reba*

      If it helps, crush feelings and perhaps especially unrequited-crush feelings can be so intense, regardless of how many times you’ve been through it! I say this because I get the sense that you are struggling with both A) feeling big feelings and B) negative self-talk about doing the feelings wrong or inability to cope (“inexperience,” “not having feelings”). Sorry if I’m off base there, but I don’t want you to use a crush as something to beat yourself up with! Crushes can be wonderful.

      I personally favor targeted wallowing, while others might do more of a push-it-aside and distract yourself approach. Wallowing looks like taking a day or weekend to listen to sad music, mope, and consume comforting books or movies.

      You might want to think about reducing contact with your friend for a while, to see if your feelings chill. If she is starting a relationship, she may quite naturally have a little less time for you for a while. You can think about whether you want to explain pulling back, or just let it be.

    2. anon for this*

      Gray A here, and yeah I get it. Attraction like this can feel so rare/special that it’s so easy to get REALLY FIXATED on it!

      Spoil yourself (to the extent that anyone can right now), I would say. Do things for yourself just to be nice to yourself. Especially things your crush wouldn’t be into. Give it time. The person isn’t the right match for you unless they’re enthusiastic about the idea of trying out a relationship, so that in itself is evidence in favor of moving on and finding another.

    3. Nynaeve*

      Honestly, there are way more late bloomers out there than you realize. Tons of people don’t even start dating until college or their late 20s/early 30s. Some don’t start until middle age. Some wake up in their 50s/60s/70s and say, “Wait, I was gay/bi/ace this whole time?!” Sexuality can be fluid and feelings are complicated. Recognizing feelings can also be complicated, especially if you’ve been trying to conform to a shape that doesn’t fit you and ignoring your authentic thoughts and experiences.

      So if you can, let go of the idea that you “should” have it all figured out by now. Let yourself struggle and be vulnerable. You say your friends think of you as someone who doesn’t have feelings (!). Is that something they’ve said, or is it something you think they believe because it’s a persona you’ve cultivated up until now? They may be more supportive than you realize if you open up to them. Or they may botch it at first because they get thrown by the new dynamic and either apologize later (if they’re a decent friend) or double down (if they’re not a good person or just not able to adjust to people growing and changing). You don’t have to do it all at once, but maybe talk to the person you trust the most and give them a chance to show up and support you. You’re not alone and you don’t have to do this alone.

    4. Alex*

      Thanks for the kindness everyone. I think all of you are a bit right about stuff…especially the feeling of it being so rare/special and therefore hard to let go of.

      1. Coder von Frankenstein*

        I don’t have much in the way of advice to offer, but you are not the only one who struggles with romantic inexperience way later than a lot of folks.

    5. valentine*

      You have your whole life to figure out whatever you want to spend time figuring, and there’s no good reason to deny yourself self-knowledge, especially not age.

      She still doesn’t know how I feel, but we had some conversations that tangentially touched on the fact that we would never ever date.
      Here, you’re prematurely closing off this avenue when you don’t know how she feels about you. If she said you would never ever (a mighty long time!) date each other, maybe she was floating the idea and hoping you’d object. Is it possible she is having the same experience you are, crushing on you and declaring it hopeless?

      1. Anonymosity*

        I do not think this is the case if she’s begun dating someone else.
        We do not need to encourage the damaging trope of looking for hidden meanings in rejection. “No” is a complete answer and should be taken as such.

    7. Tallulah*

      I had my first broken heart much much later than I imagine most people do (I dated someone I liked a lot, ultimately they weren’t feeling it, we broke up amicably) and I was like “this… this is horrible, this hurts so much, I feel so painfully sad” – like, it really took me aback how much it hurt? What I kind of found helped was listening to music from my favourite artists that was about break-ups/unrequited love, and going “THEY GET IT, I AM NOT ALONE”. Wallowing a bit, as someone else said. I felt a bit silly at being so sad and also unpleasantly disorientated and embarrassed, and being reassured that this was “normal” by listening to music – especially music that had a “I hurt, but I’m going to get through this” vibe really helped.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      Please let me say this about crushes: they absolutely suck. There’s a reason they’re called “crushes” and not “happy love fuzzies.”

      It’s okay to give yourself time to wallow every day, and then when that time is up, go do something nice for yourself, or concentrate on work or an activity you like. It is also okay to distance yourself from the person a little bit while you work through these feelings; her new relationship and pandemic precautions should make that easier.

      If you have a different friend you can trust, you might reach out to them and say, “Hey, I’ve been feeling down about a personal situation, can we talk about it privately? I could use an ear.” You don’t have to mention your crush’s name to discuss the situation. Of course, if you’d rather wait for your therapist to return, that’s fine too.

      I can assure you that it will pass. This is going to sound stupid, but one time, I had a crush on a celebrity whose work I admired that really threw me. (I know this isn’t someone I actually knew, but the feelings are pretty much the same.) When the celebrity got engaged, I felt awful. Worse, I discovered that I know someone who knows his now-wife—I was only two degrees away the entire time!

      During the time it took to get over it, I couldn’t even look at him. But now I can enjoy his work again, and if I ever did meet him, it would be no problem. This has been the case with every heartache and breakup I’ve experienced so far. Eventually, it will heal if you give it time and space to do so.

  57. Casey*

    Can we do a music reccomendation thread? Reply with a vibe you’re looking for, a band you like, a specific theme, or something along those lines, and then see if you have an idea for someone else!

    1. Casey*

      (I have never spelled recommendation correctly in my life.)

      Okay this is weirdly specific, but I’ve recently gotten into Penelope Scott (literally playing Public Void on repeat for the last two days). I like how angry she is and how…. niche her lyrics are? It reminds of me the Mountain Goats, where he wrote songs based on the wrestling scene in the American Southwest and Mexico, or the disappearance of the Goth scene. Is there another band or artist that takes unexpected inspiration but also sounds good?

      1. CTT*

        I immediately thought of Courtney Barnett – her songs can be angry, and while the lyrics are not niche, necessarily, her songs are always very specific.

        1. Atheist Nun*

          And if you want more angry/empowered Australian women music, I cannot recommend Camp Cope highly enough.

    2. Nynaeve*

      This is a great idea! I hope this becomes a regular thread.

      I would love something along the lines of Halestorm or Flogging Molly.

      1. Torrance*

        I adore Halestorm! Sick Individual & Uncomfortable are two of my go-to hype songs.

        Hmm. Artists like give off a similar vibe, at least in my opinion, with song recs:
        DIAMANTE (Had Enough, Ghost Myself)
        KOPPS (Baby I’m Dead Inside)
        Willa (Swan, Criminal)

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I basically stopped listening to the radio when I got my first iPod in 2000, and my music collection mostly reflects that, heh. Godsmack, A Perfect Circle, Disturbed, Rammstein. Somewhere along the way I picked up some Seether and Stone Sour. A year or so ago a friend recommended Shinedown and that was a real hit. Basically something that’s good for both driving* and cardio workouts, but still at least moderately sing-able?

      *every speeding ticket I’ve gotten in my life happened while a Rammstein song was playing. :-P

      1. acmx*

        They’re not new but Five Finger Death Punch. This is War from their latest album makes me run fast :) Also, A Little Bit Off even though it’s kind of… peppy?
        Bad Wolves. Breaking Benjamin.

      2. Nynaeve*

        Oooh, if you like Rammstein, you might want to try E Nomine. Deep, angry, badass male German lead vocalist with strong techno beats and ethereal female backup vocalist.

        1. Voluptuousfire*

          I like this! E Nominenis great so far. Reminds me of the industrial nights I’d go to.

          Rammstein is also one of the bands I keep trying to see but miss. I finally got a ticket to their tour (4th try over a decade) and due to the pandemic it got cancelled.

          Ironically I got it for the pit area.

      3. The Other Dawn*

        Haha I know what you mean about Rammstein! I tend to drive faster when they come up in my playlist.

        I’ve been checking out more Shinedown and Godsmack songs lately. My current favorites are Unforgettable by Godsmack and State of My Head by Shinedown.

      4. Nicole76*

        For people who like EDM: I highly suggest Sofi Tukker. They have some of the catchiest songs and are such a fun/sweet duo. They play live sets every day at noon (central) and have been doing so since the lockdown.

        For people into darker sounding stuff: The Bleak Engineers. They only have one album out so far but it reminds me of Faith by The Cure.

        80’s like lovers: New Order just released a new song, Be A Rebel, which is a throwback to their side project, Electronic. Hopefully more new material is on the way!

        1. Casey*

          Ooooh, my classmates and I play Purple Hat by Sofi Tukker right before exams to get hyped up. I also really like Best Friend!

          1. Nicole76*

            Those are both great songs; there really isn’t a Sofi Tukker song I haven’t like so far, though. Definitely high energy pump you up type music for the most part, at least recently. Their earlier work has some chill tracks too which I really enjoy.

    4. Nessun*

      Nice idea!

      I’m a big fan of these kind of specific faster-paced power-ballad type songs, for want of a better phrase. Think Runnin by Adam Lambert, The Best by Awolnation, Phoenix by Fall Out Boy…I’d love some more to add to that vibe.

      Also, I’m a huge James Blunt fan – would love some suggestions for others like him.

        1. Anonymous*

          I was thinking this but decided it might be a little slower. I will add Whatever it Takes by Imagine Dragons.

          Twenty One Pilots: Ride and heavydirtysoul

          Panic! at the Disco: Say Amen (Saturday Night)

    5. CatCat*

      I’ve been loving Blanco Brown’s album “Honeysuckle and Lightning Bugs” and wouldn’t be interested in finding more with a similar sound.

  58. Sticky COVID Question*

    I know a person who has tested positive for COVID after months of scoffing at protective measures and being unwilling to follow safety protocols. This person and their spouse have recently become foster parents and now the children living with them have likely been exposed. Does anybody know how CPS and family services are handling cases like this? Do you think it’s likely their social worker already knows, or should I look into filing a report?

    1. WellRed*

      Leave it. They aren’t doing anything millions of other parents haven’t done and presumably they are good fosters in all other respects.

    2. Generic Name*

      People who follow all the rules get it too. If the kids weren’t foster kids would you be looking for ways to get them removed from the home? I don’t think succumbing to the illness causing a pandemic is child abuse.

    4. Anonymous*

      Getting a contagious disease isn’t child abuse. Even if the kids get it, they are likely to be better off than the parents. Leave it alone unless you can offer the parents quarantine help like grocery drop off at their front stoop.

  59. lily*

    A few months ago I discovered I have aphantasia, I have a bling mind’s eye. This means that I never see mental images, and can’t visualize anything, Counting sheep never made sense, what sheep am I counting? A happy place? I can tell you what is on a beautiful beach, I can describe it using words in my head, but I can’t go there. There are a lot of phrases that I thought were just turns of phrase that now make so much sense.

    So can you see mental images? Either way, can you try to explain how you think your thought? Yes, I’m asking you to think about how you think…
    I have an internal monologue. I hear my own voice speaking these words while I type them, and that’s how I think the thoughts that are at the forefront of my consciousness. I’ll have thoughts that I can’t quite pinpoint that I know I’m working on, they’ll pop up later, fully formed. My brother described his thoughts as whispy clouds, and that seems like a good description of those. And then I’ll have another layer below that of racing thoughts that I have no control over, sometimes they are at the forefront, sometimes they fade away, sometimes they are non-existent. Those might just be my anxiety. Anyway, interesting to think about, although definitely messing with my head.

    1. Llama face!*

      Hmm, I do have stromg visual and auditory aspects to my thoughts and it is sort of like a movie playing inside my head. Except I don’t see it with my actual eyes and it doesn’t impede my regular vision or hearing (other than making me somewhat distracted). Do you remember movie scenes with the pictures and audio or do you remember them as words? For things like trying to remember how a word is spelled I can “see” it like there is a whiteboard inside my brain with black letters appearing in it. Or if I am internally ranting- a thing that happens a lot more these days, lol- I will hear it as my own voice talking inside my skull very much like how it would sound if I actually spoke out loud. Sometimes I will see little brain movie me doing the speech but not always.
      I also remember what I’ve read very visually; I can recall generally whereabouts on the page it was or if it was the right or left hand page.

      2. lily*

        I don’t like movies so I rarely watch them. For shows, it’s more like a plot summery, I definitely don’t see the pictures. Sometimes I’ll get a section of the audio stuck in my head, but that’s more with music than spoken words. Thanks for taking the time to respond!

    2. CatCat*

      I mostly kind of “hear” my thoughts in my head. If I concentrate, I can imagine pictures, but they’re not a part of my regular thought process. So if someone tells me to imagine a beautiful beach, I could definitely conjure such an image in my mind and even imagine the sounds and smells there. But if I’m just on my own thinking about going to a beach, I’ll sort of have a dialog/stream of words in my mind about beaches, but not typically with pictures in my mind.

    3. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I think partly in words, partly in images, partly in emotions, and partly in abstract concepts. I would say most broadly I feel my thoughts rather than see or hear them. Not feel as in emotion, (I’m not a particularly emotional person), and not feel as in tactile sensation, but…I don’t know how to describe it.

      I don’t think my mental images are as clear as some of the people I’ve discussed thought with. They are pretty fuzzy and tend to rely on associate abstract concepts as much as actually seeing it in my head. If I think of my sofa, I have a broad image of it, or I can see the pattern on it, or I can see the shape of the cushions, but I can’t really do all of that at the same time.

      Usually I think only in actual words when I’m going to be conversing with someone, like now, or when I am explaining something to myself in my head. It is usually pretty easy to add words onto a thought I have. Like, I don’t think “I need to get onions at the grocery store,” but I do feel “need to get” and “grocery store” and “onions”. The thought “grocery store” is a rough visual of the outside of the store I usually shop at, “Aldi’s” as a word, food on the shelves, and the concept of getting food in exchange for money.

      This stuff is so hard to pay attention to, and even harder to describe!

      Do you dream visually?

      1. lily*

        I think I understand what you mean about feeling your thought, if I am, then I do that occasionally, but not my main thought process.

        From what I’ve read and heard from all the people I’ve asked about this, I would agree that your mental images aren’t as clear. It seems like the majority see what you do when you focus on it, as their primary mood of thinking.

        I’ve been remembering more dreams lately and I’ve been trying to figure this out. I have no idea. And I don’t know how to figure that out, which is frustrating

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Dreaming was hard to figure out. I don’t have visuals when I dream either, but I know very clearly and very specifically what happened in the dream. Like, I dreamed that I was meeting a couple of friends at a bar, but when I got there, one friend was actually being played by Liam Neeson and the other was being played by Christina Hendricks. She was wearing very bold red lipstick and he was wearing a dark green hat, and we talked about a pirate-themed card game with black and red dice. I don’t know how I know any of this, because there was no visual component to it, but I know it all very very definitively.

          1. lily*

            I think that’s what’s happening with me, and then since I’m remembering that sort of imagery, I wonder if maybe I am seeing the images. But since I can’t recall them when I wake up, and while I’m asleep, I’m sleeping, it’s confusing.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Aphantasic in the house! I figured it out a couple years ago, I found an article about it in which the guy polled like 40 of his friends and family and 39 of them had mental images and his mind was blown. I went out into my living room, where my husband and housemate were.

      Me: “So … if I tell you guys to picture a beach, do you like… actually get a literal mental image? Like seeing a beach in your head?”
      Them: “Of course.”
      Me: “I need to sit down.”
      Them: “… you don’t?”
      Me: “NO. I thought we were ALL being metaphorical. Apparently that was JUST ME.”
      Them: “… we need to sit down.”

      I have zero visuals, and there’s three big things I blame on the aphantasia: One is that I’m utterly rubbish with faces. Two is the depth of my “out of sight out of mind” ness – I cannot put things in drawers or cupboards or I won’t remember they’re there without taking extraordinary measures. Three, I have zero appreciation for art, for the most part, because as soon as it’s not in front of me, I never think about it again – I love museums, science museums, history museums, you name it, but I won’t spend money on going to an art exhibit because it’s totally wasted on me, I can get just as much out of looking at a picture of the Mona Lisa on Wikipedia as from looking at the real thing in the Louvre. (I know. I’ve tried. :P )

      My husband also thinks part of my reading speed is that I skim over the little details because they’re not contributing to a mental picture – I don’t need to spend time on the fact that the character is so tall and so broad with this hair and those eyes and wearing a blue sweater because all I need to know is that there’s a dude, let’s get to what the dude is doing. But I don’t have any real sense of whether that’s actually contributory or not.

      Most of my day to day mental anything is verbal. Sometimes in my own voice, sometimes in others. I watch a lot of documentaries. If I’ve been on a Ken Burns kick, my mental narrator becomes Keith David or Peter Coyote, if I’ve been mainlining the Forensic Files it’s that guy and my whole life sounds suspicious for a few weeks. I’m also pretty good at catching actors’ voices out of context – when I went to my work orientation a few years back. I shocked my whole table by going “These videos are narrated by David Strathairn” because nobody else caught it. However, I can’t JUST listen to things, audiobooks or podcasts, because without some sort of visual component they’ll end up going in one ear and out the other after about two minutes. I won’t retain the visuals, but I need them to help lock everything in. I dunno.

      I do a lot of remembering from physical memory prompts too. Like, if I have to remember a door code or something, I won’t visualize a keypad, but I will still have to physically tap out on something like I was tapping in the code to remember it. If my husband asks where the widget is in the kitchen, I close my eyes like I was pulling up a visual memory, only for me it’s to block out any visual input at all, and I just reach like I’m going to grab the widget, in order to get the location in my head to tell him.

      He likes to try to describe things to me, which totally doesn’t work. I’m like “If the layout of your shelf space at work is important to the story, you’re gonna have to draw it out for me, otherwise, you really don’t need to be that detailed about it.”

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My siblings are both super visual, and so is my mom. My dad is also aphantasic. The guy in the article I first found, with 39/40 people who had visuals? The one who didn’t was his mom. Maybe coincidence, maybe not – not enough data yet to know :)

        1. lily*

          Oh my god, that conversation! I did that with my family and my friends. If there weren’t a pandemic, all the random strangers I would have come across also would have been asked.

          Unfortunately there really hasn’t been enough research to know for sure, but it seems like it my run in families. I remember reading a study (don’t remember which) that asked people if anyone else in their family also had aphantasia, and many did. My brother and cousin both do. My parents are both very visual, surprisingly, I’m much better at color than them.

          There does seem to be a connection with difficulty with faces, I’m lucky on that, I recognize them easily. Interesting that you don’t remember where you put things without trying really hard, that’s not something I have trouble with. I have a similar thing with art, it’s a bit lost on me. I did a tour of the Uffizi and the guide explained the stories behind the paintings, which made looking at them a better experience. I do enjoy looking at some styles of art though.

          It’s so cool that your inner voice changes who’s speaking! That would be interesting to experience.

          About the layout of shelf space, I am absolutely going to start saying that, it would save everyone some time and frustration!

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I was explaining aphantasia to a color blind dude once, and that was a total hoot. (Apparently his mental images had what he was pretty sure was red in them!) At the end, he goes “If I had to pick… well, you can keep purple.”

            My best friend made a comment about an octopus clip. She meant one of those claw clips for hair, but I was just in a mess of giggling at the idea of her with an octopus on her head, and I was like “Thank god I can’t actually picture that, I’m laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath without the actual visuals.”

    5. Anima*

      Wow, that must be wonderful. I have the opposite mind – it’s all pictures and very colorful. Sometimes I can’t grasp a clear thought because it’s all so vivid and fascinating. My thought process is therefore quite … jumpy. I wish I could follow my thoughts with only the voice, like you seem to do.

      1. lily*

        And I think what you can do is wonderful! I wish I could at least experience it once, to see what it’s like. My thought process can be jumpy, but for the most part I can just focus on one thing (concentration going downhill during the pandemic non withstanding…).
        (You may have hyperphantasia, if your mental imagery is super lifelike, if you ever want to look into it)

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I don’t see images in my mind, nor do I hear my voice in my mind. The internal monologue that people report – nope. Nada. The plus side is maybe it’s harder for me to have problems with intrusive thoughts or whatever? I will have ideas just come up out of nowhere. In fact, I’m aware that my mind is working on things in the background, so I have adapted to accommodate that. If I’m stuck on something I can go do something else and often my brain makes progress.

      When I learned that all those figures of speech were quite literal for many people, it wasn’t a big deal to me. A curiosity.

    7. Marzipan*

      Yeah, I also have this. (As, apparently, does my dad; I was trying to explain the concept to him and he didn’t believe me that other people actually really do picture things in their heads and insisted that was just a figure of speech).

      I realised that one thing it really affects for me is spelling – I can spell perfectly well, but if someone asks me how to spell something I have to actually write the word down and read it out to them; I can’t do it in my head because I can’t see it!

      1. lily*

        I’m not great at spelling, but like you, if I write out the word or see it spelled, I’ll know if it’s right or wrong. I will never be able to tell you how to spell something without writing or typing it out. If someone spells something verbally to you, do you have trouble with that as well? I can keeps a few letters in my head but as they keep spelling, if I’m not writing fast enough, I can’t keep up

    8. RagingADHD*

      I can visualize somewhat, but it’s fuzzy and I have to really think about it.

      When I’m imagining a place or event (say from a book), I imagine being in the space and where things are around me, how things feel.

      Mostly I imagine how things sound, or people’s voices when they speak.

      When I’m writing, I always start with dialogue because I can “hear” it, and then action because I can mentally act it out. Visual descriptions are difficult for me, and to go into any detail I have to find a photo of a place or person and base the description on it.

    9. Might Be Spam*

      This is fascinating. I had no idea people thought so differently. No wonder I HATE meditations where you have to visualize scenes. When I try to visualize something, I can’t see the whole object, only parts of it, and I can’t focus on it because it’s like using my peripheral vision. It keeps sliding sideways. It also physically feels like the object is behind me on my right side.

      I generally remember things by their position in space. When I need to figure out how to make something (like when sewing) I can think of the parts and their relative positions but not the finished item. To recall information, l have to imagine it. s location on a page or where I was physically when I learned it.

      I can recognize faces but I cannot describe them. I can sort of picture someone’s hair or clothing in general terms, but faces are in the center and hard to focus on. It’s easier to recognize people by the way they move or their voices.

      When I was a computer programmer, I pictured the structure of the instructions three dimensionally in sections with some parts behind or underneath other parts. Dealing with spaghetti code really irritated me, because efficient code felt like sculpture.

      1. JustEm*

        Wow!! This is the first description that sounds so much like how I think. I think in words but also in relative positions, and images are fleeting. I also can recognize faces but not describe them — I used to be very puzzled by how crime sketch artists could possibly come up with a sketch from a witness description, until I realized some people could actually picture/describe a face they’ve seen.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          I can’t even describe my own children. I see my face in the mirror every day and I can’t picture or describe my own face.
          It is such a relief to know that I’m not the only one like this. I wish there was a way to fix this. There is no silver lining to being like this.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Yes! This is an excellent description, especially the part about sliding sideways. Right there with you on meditation, too.

        I wish I had understood this when I was first taking acting classes, because so many of the exercises are based on visualization. I get zero emotional reaction from visualizing. It’s just work. So I always felt disconnected and inadequate.

        Later on, I realized that I had to use other senses, so I would imagine something like “when this guy speaks, there’s a spider on my face.”

        Bingo. Big visceral/emotional response.

    10. Batgirl*

      My visuals aren’t clear until they’re described. I can picture a beach but it’s a very flat generic strip of beige and blue until I add details. I see the details as I describe them.
      When I’m reading and it’s being described for me it’s like I’m there. It’s not as immersive as when I was a kid (when i couldnt be called away) but I can see very realistic details.

    11. Elf*

      I absolutely do not – but I do have a very strong spatial sense, it is just completely kinesthetic. It drives me nuts that visual/spatial is grouped together because they are not at all the same thing.

  60. Phryne*

    While chatting with a coworker, I mentioned that a nearby restaurant serves authentic Chinese food. Coworker says something like, “Oh so they serve cow eyeballs? Har har har.”

    I told coworker that he was stereotyping, and he said that he isn’t because eyeballs really are part of Chinese cuisine.

    His comment still bothers me.. Can someone help me articulate why aside from pointing out the stereotyping? (I’m not Chinese, btw, but my own culture receives similar comments.)

    1. Llama face!*

      I think his comment is rubbing you the wrong way because it is meant to be a racist insult. He’s taking one example of a food that the average white person would think of as outlandish and/or gross and reducing all Chinese cuisines (of which there are plural- not just one) to “Eew chinese people eat weird things like eyeballs”. It is reductive and dismissive of a rich and varied food culture.

      I live in a Canadian province where some people eat calf testicles. (Yes, really. They call them “prairie oysters”). If you went to a Canadian restaurant, would he go, “Oh, so they serve cow balls? Har har.” Probably not, because he’s not prejudiced against Canadians. Ditto for Scottish (cow stomach), French (frogs, snails), English (blood sausage, mushy peas), Italian (squid), etc. Pretty much every people group has something other people find odd to eat but funnily enough the cultures that get respect for their food seem to be primarily the white ones whereas the cultures people like your coworker make fun of are not.

      1. Llama face!*

        And another thing, I think your coworker’s casual racism just points out that he may also think of you as Other and Weird too (I’m assuming from your comment about getting similar comments with your culture that he is not the same ethnicity as you). So it isn’t just about the food but about him being casually xenophobic in front of you in a way that emphasizes how he looks down on anybody not like himself.

        I feel like I’m being really depressing in my replies but what I’d really like to say is that you are not wrong to be upset about this. Let’s hope that, despite his defensive posturing when you pointed out his prejudice, he’ll at least get a little glimmer of self-doubt when he goes to say things like this next time.

      2. Nita*

        Yes, that’s it. It’s reductive and a put-down, because presumably to this guy cow eyeballs are gross.

      3. ThePear8*

        Absolutely. I am half Chinese and find his comment extremely insulting.
        Sure, maybe there is a part of China where cow eyeballs are an authentic part of the food there. But China is a big country with many diverse cuisines. Where my family is from is near the Szechuan area, so food is extremely spicy, and there is hot pot in every meal. Interestingly, where they live is also the corn capital of China, and I’ve had a number of dishes like cornbreads and corn muffins and other corn based dishes. If you go somewhere like Shanghai, the food is much milder, and you might encounter a lot more dumplings. Elsewhere, they maybe serve a lot more seafood. You can not sum up the many different cuisines and flavors with “Cow Eyeballs”, and it is very close-minded and yes, racist, to insist that you can.
        As Llama face! said, if you asked someone to join you for dinner at the French restaurant, would they go “har har do they serve snails there?” Probably not. And it would be rude if they did, because while French escargot is delicious and authentic, it does not make up the entirety of French cuisine and ignores a vast swath of what makes French food so wonderful and iconic. Heck, I saw an American roadkill cook off on TV. Does that give me the standing to point to the nearest American steakhouse and go “Har har do they serve roadkill there?” and then insist “No really, it’s authentic, Americans eat roadkill.” Maybe one part of America does celebrate cooking with roadkill, but it is not prevalent in American cuisine at all, such a small part can not be used to generalize an entire culture.

    4. Grapey*

      “You’re obviously not saying it out of respect for the culture, which makes it a stereotype.”

  61. Goose*

    Treating my 1 bedroom apartment to a cleaning service. They’re charging $220 for a deep clean which seems pricey but I have no comparison, and the only poor reviews seem to be about price (cheaper cleaners have worse reviews about service.) How much do I tip? For folks who get a regular cleaning, is it worth it? I tidy but I haven’t cleaned well since my cat and I moved in nearly two years ago

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      That seems pretty high to me. Pre-COVID, I paid my house cleaner $75 every two weeks to do two bathrooms, my kitchen, living room and dining room. But I guess that depends a bit on what they’re doing — Miss Patti did floors, surfaces, and basic dusting, but she didn’t do any laundry or put stuff away or anything like that. She hasn’t been here since March, and decided to retire during the pandemic, so we’ve been doing it all ourselves and the only thing I really want someone else to do is the vacuuming, so I’m not planning to find a new cleaner.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        If a regular bi-weekly clean is $75, $220 sounds reasonable for a first time deep clean. If a weekly clean takes two hours, then $220 would scale to 6 hours, and I can easily see a first time deep clean taking that long (particularly with cat hair!).

    2. WellRed*

      I think it seems slightly high, but I guess it depends on what you mean by a deep clean and if it’s a one-off, I can see it being more costly than regular weekly cleaning. I also paid around $75 for weekly or biweekly cleaning (this was 15 years ago, though). It might also be regional. I’ve seen commenters on this site talk about how they pay like $8/hr for their parent’s caregiver. Where I live, you wouldn’t pay a teenager that little to watch your kids for a date night.

    3. All the cats 4 me*

      Are they washing walls and baseboards, ceiling cleaning, windows in and out, shampooing carpets and upholstery, as well as cleaning inside of fridge and freezer, removing all items from kitchen cabinets (and replacing) and washing down interior and exterior of all kitchen cabinets, (same for closets and other built in spaces), moving appliances to clean sides and back and space under and behind, cleaning tile and grout, window screens and sills, doors in and out, door sills?

      If they are doing all that, I would say the price is a bargain, but I hate cleaning!

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I called around for pre-move in estimates for this house a few years ago and it was 450-ish for 4 bedrooms. I’m in a suburb, whether that makes a difference I don’t know.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Is this an independent person or a cleaning company? For a person, I assume they are setting their own rates and no tip required. If the cleaners are employees, then they are making only a small amount of what you are paying so individual cash tips to the actual workers would be very nice.

    6. Thankful for AAM*

      A on time cleaning costs much more than a regular cleaning. My modest-ish house costs $90 for a 2x month cleaning but it would cost more than $200 for a one time clean if I was not havimg the weekly cleaners. And the $220+ would cover just a regular cleaning, not a wash the walls level cleaning,

    7. LDF*

      That’s almost exactly what I paid for a deep clean of a 1 BR apartment in a pricey metro area last year. But if you want to get cleaning done regularly you don’t need a deep clean every time.

    8. Dan*

      I’ve been in my joint (1 BDR apartment) for over ten years, and yes, it’s time for a deep clean. A couple of years back, I got some quotes to clean the place. I live in the suburbs of a major HCOL area. For a first-time/move-in/move-out clean, I was quoted $200. Given that was a few years ago, $220 wouldn’t be out of line in my area. The services really want to get you on a “repeat customer” plan, and the weekly/bi-weekly/monthly cleanings will be much cheaper. But the one-time only services are going to cost you.

      I don’t think your quote is ridiculous. It’s entirely possible you can find a place or an independent that will do the cleaning a bit cheaper, but your quote isn’t an atrocious ripoff.

  62. Anemone coronaria*

    Forgive me if this topic is out of place and not light enough for the weekend thread. How does one deal with fatigue/exhaustion in regards to politics/social justice/current times? For full transparency, I’m a lesbian, out and married to a woman, I have a Jewish name and openly practice and I don’t pass as white, so there’s no way to mistake my race/orientation/religion. I’m a nurse (Public Health Infectious disease unit) and my wife work involves the supply chain for grocery stores. So we both have stressful jobs too. Believe when I say things need to change. I’m glad there is more awareness. But sometimes I just want to watch TV/read/surf the net and veg and not have to think about any of this. I feel like eeverything always has to be a commentary or have discussion about diversity and discrimination. Trust me I live it. But sometimes I want to forget what’s going on everywhere and just relax. I think everyone who isn’t super rich deserves to do the same regardless of gender/race/orientation/religion etc and that it is okay to want to just ignore the world sometimes. Does anyone else have a hard time disconnecting? How do you deal with people who can’t seem to and always want to be “on”? Please share any tips.

    1. Pennyworth*

      It is perfectly normal to want and need to disconnect. My only suggestion is that you might also find it relaxing to have an interest or hobby actively demands your attention. Watching TV etc is fine, but it is very easy to have your attention pulled back into the real world you are trying to escape. As for dealing with other people, try developing scripts that establish some boundaries – along the lines of ”I have made it a rule not to even think about XYZ at the weekends/when I’m at work” etc.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, it’s hard to disconnect. These days are exhausting.
      Your response will depend on who you’re dealing with, of course. “I can’t discuss this right now. Some other time, maybe.” or “I’m just here to buy groceries.” etc. might be helpful to you. Then turn away or walk away or put on headphones, if you can, to signal the end of the conversation.
      THANK YOU for being a nurse. Sending good thoughts and respect.

    3. Analyst Editor*

      I think it’s good to disconnect. I think the discourse, at least online, is (by design or natural selection) geared to polarize, and to bring out the worst and most extreme opinions and actors.

      I think the way to disconnect is to go offline and be with people you know and trust before and beyond politics, and interact with even people you disagree with in real space and not online: beause then they are human and not crazies personally bent on your destruction.

      That, and – when you’re ready to engage – find forums where the people debating are in it to arrive at the truth, not to score points or be right. These are rare and perhaps nonexistent at a large scale.

    4. AcademiaNut*

      I think it’s okay to pull back and spend time with people who are willing and able to go along with a politics and social issues free get-together. Play a board game, go for a walk, watch a favourite fluffy movie without social commentary, bake a cake – something that’s relaxing.

      I’m not sure how you surf the net without thinking of any of this, though. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need get off the internet and do something disconnected. So it can be worth cultivating a hobby or two that is offline and pulls your mind away from issues (I like cooking and birdwatching, for example). The other thing I find helps is doing something good for someone else, even if it’s small and frivolous.

      FWIW, I think that constant outrage is counterproductive – it wears you down inside, and it wears down the people around you. You need to find moments of joy and relaxation, even when the world is in chaos. The world has always been in chaos, and the road to change is long and hard.

    5. Nita*

      I feel like things have gotten to the point where I don’t have any control over anything. I’m mentally preparing for any unpleasant situation I can think of. Definitely done with trying to change anyone’s mind about anything, and trying to recalibrate my standards from “these are my goals in life” to “if we’re not dead when this is over, it’s all good.” That leaves a much lower plank of what I’m striving for lol. So if yesterday, I fed everyone noodles for breakfast lunch and dinner, and today, we didn’t go outside at all because work deadlines, I’m still feeling pretty good.

      1. Nita*

        Oh, and also focusing on the really small joys. I recently had a long work assignment where I couldn’t stop to eat, and I was so hungry by the end that all I could think of was, I’m going to be so happy when I sit down and have dinner. I thought my family’s going to get some bad news the next day, but just then I thought all I need to be happy was a sandwich. The bad news didn’t materialize (yet? everything is a moving target these days) but I’m trying to hold on to that feeling of needing very little to feel content.

    6. Loopy*

      I personally had to deactivate my Facebook. Even when people were posting positions I agreed with, posts were just 100% every stressful situation for as far as I could scroll. I also choose to ingest news when my mood is good/stable enough- rather than forcing myself to watch the 6:30 news every single day. If I’m feeling down, I skip it and don’t let myself feel guilty for not keeping up for a single day/night.

      A lot of my struggle is that I feel in times like this I need to be aware and involved and if I am not, then I’m part of the problem. Coping has been to give myself permission to have limits and boundaries and choose to read a good book for a few days if my emotional and mental health needs it. It’s almost like getting into a certain forgiving mindset with myself, if that makes sense.

    7. RagingADHD*

      I have to remind myself that the body-mind connection works in both directions. Sometimes just going out for a walk or jog alone in the fresh air, or digging in the garden, does wonders. Making a big pot of veggie soup is relaxing to do, and nourishes your body & brain. Reading a paper book fires your brain slightly differently than reading ebooks or online, switches up those neural pathways.

      For online stuff, if I can’t stop myself doomscrolling, I will just turn my phone off and leave it in another room. For individuals, I’ll just say “I need a break from this stuff right now.”

      If I want to watch something, I stream older shows, preferably on a platform without ads.

  63. MsChanandlerBong*

    TW: Pregnancy loss, for those who would like to avoid posts on the topic.

    My best friend just went for an ultrasound at about 13.5 weeks into her pregnancy and found out the baby had died about a week before the scan. She told me in person when I was visiting my hometown, and we had a good cry together, but I would like to send something to both her and her husband. I was thinking of a potted rose or hydrangea that they would be able to plant outside once it’s bigger. I don’t really want to send cut flowers since they’ll die in a few weeks. Any other suggestions?

    1. Not A Girl Boss*

      I don’t think I’d recommend anything permanent that will remind them of this painful time but they won’t feel ok getting rid of because it’s a gift. I do think memorial plants are wonderful, just too personal to gift.

      What about more practical and immediate things? Like a bunch of takeout or grocery delivery or cleaning service gift certificates so they don’t have to think about cooking and cleaning right now? Similarly, massage gift card?

      I’ve also seen nice memory boxes where they could pack away some things they had bought for the baby. But even that feels a little too invasive to me.

    3. All the cats 4 me*

      My husband and I planted a tree for each of our lost babies, and that was really meaningful for me, but for me specifically, I would not have wanted a third person involved in the process, as deciding to do it, choosing the trees and deciding where to plant them were very, very intimate for us and part of our grieving.

      You may be able to judge if your friend would welcome a plant from you as a memorial, or if that is the sort of thing she would appreciate. Every person grieves in their own way, so I would say you can be guided by your personal knowledge of your friend.

      For me, the simple fact that people acknowledged our grief and listened was the best gift I could have imagined or received. We held a small memorial gathering as well, and having our family and friends attend was therapeutic (although I cannot now enter a church without crying after having a special mass ceremony for our first).

      One practical thing that I was very grateful for was cooked food brought by the family in the paralyzed aftermath. If you can’t deliver food, delivery gift cards would be my go-to after any personal loss.

      In my experience, grieving people want to talk about the loss and the person; I found it very helpful when (close) people engaged and asked.

    4. fposte*

      Agreeing with WellRed–unless they’re big indoor gardeners I think the potted plant will also die in a few weeks. If the plant theme sticks with you you might look into botanical gardens near her to see if they offer named sponsorships of plants, and you could do one in their or their baby’s name.

    5. Twisted Knickers*

      What about a gift of fruit and/or nuts from someplace like Harry & David? Their selections are always lovely.

    6. Generic Name*

      I got my sister some gourmet cheese via mail order when one of her babies died. (She was pregnant with twins and one didn’t make it. It was awful) I think I wrote in the card that comes with it something like “everything sucks right now. Hopefully this cheese makes you feel slightly better”. When I got divorced, she got me a 3 month subscription to birch box.

  64. Lost in the Woods*

    So, after like 10 years of not playing, I’ve come back to the piano. I got a self-teaching book at the library and I’ve been zooming through it (I remember way, way more than I thought I would, and I’ve sung in a casual choir off and on, so I’m not starting from zero – I know how to read music etc.) I am absolutely loving it! At some point I’d like to take a few lessons, but I mostly want to play for pleasure and friends and family. Does anyone have any tips on progressing on an instrument as an adult? Ideas for books or video tools one I have the very basics down?

    1. Garden Photographer*

      I’m interested in this myself. I played the piano for over 10 years growing up. I now have my piano from my parents’ house, but I’m very rusty on it.

    2. nep*

      No specific recommendations. (I did find a professor’s advice helpful when I ‘audited’ some music (percussion) classes at a local university–spend a bit of time each day; it doesn’t take much, but consistency/daily practice made a huge difference in mastering the rhythms.) Just want to say I love this and it gives me joy.
      Enjoy!

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        You know, I was absolutely awful at practicing as a kid but now I find it very meditative! I find now I can get lost in the music and it’s very restful for the rest of my brain

    3. OyHiOh*

      I returned to piano this summer after not playing regularly for . . . . close to twenty years, I think.

      I started with a handful of pieces I’d learned as a teen, never got them to really concert polished, but good enough to play comfortably and, in a couple cases, from memory. Then I grabbed a hymnal and played stuff I remembered singing in choir. And when all that got boring (six or eight weeks, LOL) I started paging through music books looking for things that were just a little bit challenging but not so much that learning them was an exercise in frustration.

      For me, a key signiture with fewer than 4 flats or sharps, nothing faster than sixteenth notes, an accidental here and there is fine but not littered with accidentals everywhere. There’s a surprising amount of beginner to intermediate classical music that fits my rules. I like Bach, mostly preludes and some of the partitas, I turned Mozart into ragtime improvisation (that was a fun week!), and I really completely fell in love with Scarlatti. If you’re looking for classical recommendations, his Venice/Parma collection (60 sonatas, usually bound in two volumes) is tons of fun. they’re all variations on themes, none are more than 4 pages long, and most of them are simple enough in pattern to play comfortably in a few weeks, but sound truly impressive to friends and family.

      1. Lost in the Woods*

        This is great! I don’t really know what to look for when finding music, so this is super helpful in figuring out what might be reasonable for me to start working on.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I was drilled on Clementi’s Sonatinas as a teenager and got heartily sick of them, shortly before I gave up on lessons.
          A couple of years ago I heard a recording of one of them on the car radio and teared up realizing how beautiful the piece really is. I’m trying to get into practicing again because now I actually am ablexcited to understand what it is going to sound like.

          1. OyHiOh*

            The first pieces I returned to this summer were 2 of the Clementi sonatinas and a Kulau!

            It was interesting going back to those pieces in particular because I liked them ok as a teen but didn’t really understand them. Coming back to them as an adult, they felt completely different. It was fun to reinterpret them.

            Part of that’s a teaching issue, I think. I’ve met/known/studied with teachers who treat a lot of beginner to intermediate classical music as stepping stones to the “real” repetoire. At one point when I was re working Kulau and noticing how certain passages sound like water trickling over stones, I realized that Kulau probably didn’t think of his work as intermediate teaching pieces – he was writing real music for real musicians.

        2. OyHiOh*

          Lost in the Woods,

          Pre COVID, I would have said, if you can go to a music store that has pianos as well as music, see if they’ll be patient enough to let you plunk around with books that catch your eye. Sometimes what I think is going to be comfortable turns out to not be – an odd rhythm in the left hand, chords that turn out to be unmanagable for my hands, etc – and you don’t always know until you sit down and try it. Given current conditions, I’d inquire about their return policy instead. If you can easily return books you end up not liking, you can plunk away in the safety and comfort of your own home.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Yes, exactly why I am tearing up even now…it’s real music, even if I’m not great at it, I’m doing it.
            Unfortunately my playing is really distracting to the other remote-work & remote-school people here and the times when I think to play are too-often during their meetings or homework.!

    4. Natalie*

      I started playing again a few years ago after ~15 years away, but I take lessons. I’d say think about lessons, even if you’re playing for fun. That’s all I do, but I love having a teacher. She has suggestions for when I’m stuck or frustrated, she’s got pieces for practicing specific techniques, we talk about music theory. We get along super well, so maybe I just got incredibly lucky, but I doubt I would have stuck with it as long as I have if I was going completely solo. YMMV.

    5. HBJ*

      Hanon The Virtuoso Pianist. These are exercises involving variations on scales the full length of the keyboard. Does wonders for improving dexterity, flexibility, hands moving opposite, and moving between keys.

      1. Reba*

        Noooooo this is supposed to be fun ! ;)

        (HBJ’s suggestion is good, it’s just that Hanon was the bane of my existence as a teen!)

        It’s true though, conditioning matters. I have the desire to just sit down at the keys and blaze through repertoire. Life is short, why play scales! However, I don’t really have the strength and stamina to do that anymore, especially for the more taxing pieces, since I no longer practice regularly. I would definitely benefit from some more discipline!

      2. Dancing Otter*

        Oh, yes, I remember Hanon! And there are enough different exercises in the book that you don’t have to do the same one every day, but can trade off.
        I also liked the Anna Magdalena Bach notebook for “real” music that was actually teaching exercises, Bach Toccatas, and the piano reductions to Handel and other choral pieces or operatic choruses. You can work up from slow enough for your skill level to proper tempo gradually.
        What I did NOT enjoy, and still avoid, were the sheet music versions of popular music. No matter how much I practiced, they never sounded right.
        I don’t know to what extent I play classical because I like it versus liking it because I can play it (sort of), but does it matter?

    6. Washi*

      I think my biggest piece of advice when playing an instrument as an adult is to prioritize your joy in it. I took flute as a kid and became quite good at it, and have picked up another few instruments as a young adult/now adult. I have the greatest technical proficiency on the flute because of all the years playing scales/arpeggios/tone exercises but I find those things sooo boring that I just don’t do them on the other instruments. Instead, I just pick a piece I’d like to learn, even if it’s way above my “level” and I work on it. I know I’d be better if I spent more time on exercises, but I value the fun and freedom of playing whatever I what whenever I want.

      I also let myself go through phases of my instruments, instead of making myself practice them on some sort of schedule. Sometimes I’m obsessed with one and neglect the others, and that’s ok! I don’t get down on myself if I let my guitar callouses fade or my embouchure get weak. I also try not to judge my own music preferences. On the keyboard, I’ve found I really love doing music scores, anything with a lot of arpeggios on the left hand, and somewhat new age-y music (Yiruma is a particular favorite) and I just let myself enjoy the Enya or whatever even though it does feel a bit dorky :)

    7. piano playing*

      I came back to the piano last year. I started on my own playing some Bach that I had played before (you can find some scores online free, or the library). But I decided to get a teacher and it was really a great decision for me. My teacher challenges me in a way that I would never do on my own, and I am now playing pieces that I had thought were way beyond me that I love. It is super hard! And I am not expecting Carnegie Hall :) But I feel I am getting to learn how to approach different kinds of “issues” better and that makes me better going forward. She is very creative in the many ways she gives me to practice difficult passages, ways I doubt I would think on my own. And she knows what I need to work on, but knows enough repertoire that I get to choose something I enjoy, which is always nice. It’s been really great for me and brings me great joy.

  65. Garden Photographer*

    Do we have any photography/photo book/project organizer types out here interested in helping me out? I love visiting botanical gardens and taking pictures. Last year for my birthday, I bought myself a camera (nothing fancy) with the goal of visiting as many botanical gardens as I could and taking pictures to then be organized into a Shutterfly photo book. This is just for me, and I’m on no deadline–but I’m starting to become overwhelmed and wondering how to organize this project.

    Since last year, I’ve done 12 garden trips. Most have been in my home state, but I’ve also visited gardens in 3 neighboring states. After each trip, the pictures are transferred onto my laptop and backed up. Each trip’s pictures are saved in a folder with the garden’s name and date visited. Next, I’ve copied all pictures into folders specifically for my book so that I’m preserving the original images. In the book folders, I’ve deleted pictures I don’t want in my book and am in the process of renaming each one with the garden name, date visited, and a number. For example: Garden A–5-1-19–001, and then 002, 003, etc.

    Even after culling, I still have probably 1,000 pictures. I’m starting to get overwhelmed.

    1. Should it be a series of smaller books rather than 1 big book? If so, should it be organized by–for example–gardens of my home state, with a second book comprised of pictures from other states? Or should I divide the pictures by year? I would like to keep each garden’s pictures together, rather than randomly inserting the pictures.

    2. Size of book. The first Shutterfly book I did (vacation pictures) was an 8×11 hardback book. Virtually all of my pictures are taken in landscape mode, so I feel like a horizontal book would make more sense. Plus, I was thinking it would be nice to complement my other Shutterfly book if they were similar in size/layout. If you were looking at someone else’s photo book (assuming you were interested), how many pictures/pages would you want to see before it got to be too much?

    3. At what point do I start designing? I have plenty of gardens I want to visit next year–but I’m limited by the weather and finances. Not to mention COVID. I definitely have enough that I could go ahead and do a book now, but I keep wondering if I should wait and take more pictures first.

    Sorry this is so long. Thank you in advance for reading this and for any tips/tricks. This is my hobby, not a profession, but I want to make a stellar book (or books) for myself.

    1. WellRed*

      I will offer a few quick thoughts: I see no value in organizing it as gardens by year. It just doesn’t make sense for the subject. Also, I think most garden shots will naturally feel horizontal but you should consider some vertical for visual variety, including cropping or zooming in on a particular interesting feature. I see no reason not to start now. It may help you focus. I like the idea of gardens of home state, or maybe by season.

    2. Nicole76*

      To address your question about how many pictures/pages someone would want to see before it got too much – I’m sure that varies, but one thing I would recommend is not to have multiple photos of the same subject. Maybe this is obvious to you, but I see a lot of people upload photos to Facebook and the same flower, for example, will be posted four times in a row with hardly a variation in composition. That is quite boring and makes me lose interest. Choose the best photo of each scene/subject and keep it varied. I think I could look at a very large book without losing interest in that case.

      Also, I like your idea about keeping your home state photos separate from the others.

    3. Nita*

      I think the book might work well if grouped by common theme. Maybe a specific garden, or a season, or weather, or close-ups/macro photography, or unusual scenes. If I was making a book like this, all of it would be just one rainy day in a botanic garden. I took a lot of great shots that day, there weren’t many people around to do photobombs, and the lighting was just perfect.

      You could end up with several books this way, or one bigger book with “chapters”. Whatever works better for you. Not sure about the page limit, but I think you’re aiming for something like a coffee table book (I think that’s what they’re called?), and those can be pretty thick.

    4. Lizabeth*

      Graphic designer here, a couple of things:
      1. I would organize the book by garden and what makes that particular garden special.
      2. Pick out the best 10 photos of each garden. 1,000 is still too many.
      3. Then start doing the layout.

    5. Anonymous*

      I would choose a naming system I don’t have to adjust and set limits like only x pix per garden. (I wouldn’t take so many pix in the first place, though, because I’d be overwhelmed and unable to enjoy being there due to the obligation.)

    6. PX*

      I like taking photos as well, and can echo what others have said, you need to cull more. 1000 photos is a lot. I’m pretty ruthless with culling photos, I might take 500 while on holiday, but will probably only post less than 50.

      The other comments about making sure there is variety and not 5 of the same kind of shot of 1 flower are also key.

  66. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Fun question: 

    What fictional eatery or dish featured in a movie or TV show would you want to try?

    1. Not A Manager*

      When I was a kid, I loved books with quaint or unusual food experiences. Here are two that I really wanted to share, although there were a lot more. In The Horse And His Boy, the main character has had a long and exhausting adventure. He finally stumbles upon some dwarfs cooking breakfast outside: bacon and eggs and mushrooms all in one pan over a fire. While I have had bacon and eggs and mushrooms all in one meal, I have never actually cooked them in the same pan over an open fire, and never with magical dwarfs.

      The other one is from a book called The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles, by Julie Andrews of all people although she uses her married name. Near the beginning, the children are on a magical boat that has a magical ice cream fountain on it. All you have to do is state your preference, and you get it. They make up marvelous sundaes and splits.

    2. Something Blue*

      Not exactly an eatery but I’d like to try a banquet from Renaissance England. After watching probably too many dramas with that setting, I really want to experience the banquet—the food and the live entertainment.

      I don’t need to sit near the royalty, just high enough that I get to sample most of the good foods!

      (Also, no deaths. I’d like everyone to go home alive. So a happy banquet!)

    3. CatCat*

      I want Turkish delight how imagined it as a kid when I read “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.” :-D

      I actually love authentic Turkish delight, but as a kid in the pre-internet times, I had no idea what it was and so imagined it based on things I liked and it was some sort of chocolatey, nutty, but also not overly heavy concoction that paired well with hot chocolate.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Hah! I always interpreted LWW Turkish Delight as basically, like … chocolate marshmallows. I was rather disappointed in the real stuff when I finally had it :)

        1. CatCat*

          Hahaha, Chocolate marshmallows sounds about right for what I thought as a kid… And I was soooo disappointed when I finally had some as a kid (mass produced bleh gummy stuff).

          As an adult getting it from artisan confectioners who make the good stuff, it’s divine.

      2. Anonymous*

        Ooh I always wanted Turkish delight and when we lived in England we bought a bunch of different kinds and none of us (spouse and kids) liked any of it! Such a bummer!

    4. Anon5775*

      Great question! There’s a confection called Nipples of Venus in the movie “Amadeus” that I’ve actually tried to find a recipe for and I can’t. : (

      1. Not A Manager*

        Try googling Nipples of Venus. When I do, I get a lot of hits for a chocolate truffle called Capezzoli di Venere, including recipes.

      2. Cambridge Comma*

        It’s called something else in German…try googling Venus and nippel or Brust or Brustwarzen. You can put the result through google translate.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      What popped into my mind is Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon (Spider Robinson).
      Met someone in college who claimed to have bar-hopped his way down Jericho Turnpike looking for it… he was just whimsical enough I believe him.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I think the first time I coveted a dish from a book was The Secret Garden, the scene where the children are roasting potatoes in a firepit because they don’t dare confess their newly-improved appetites to the servants in the Hall. Just simple roasted potatoes with, I think, clotted cream… Eventually I replicated that so-simple dish and enjoyed it very much!

    7. Mephyle*

      After reading Strong Poison by Dorothy L. Sayers, I tried making a sweet omelette, which I had never had before. It was very good!

    8. Square Root of Minus One*

      I always wanted to try the (Asian I think, but which country I’m not sure) restaurant featured in the first season of Bones, where no one ordered and the boss (Sid, he was named) guessed exactly what you needed to feel good.
      Or the restaurant described in an old Harlan Coben book (a mix of European and Asian I think) that also did something like that.

    9. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Jajjangmeon. I’ve seen it in SO many Korean shows and I can’t find a place to eat it in my area. All I can get here are instant ramen and glass noodles for japchae. =(

    10. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Also, shaved ice. And Melona. I like our vast variety of ice cream flavors, but I want to try something else.

    11. Finny*

      Pretty much anything from any of the Redwall books. I’ve even got the official Redwall Cookbook, though I’ve yet to make use of it.

      Or a bunch of the stuff from Babylon 5. I’ve got that cookbook, too. In fact, I tend to collect cookbooks related to books, movies, and TV. Even for shows I don’t have any interest in–my most resent acquisition is for Friends, a show I can’t stand.

  67. Anonymous*

    So… This week a new chapter of the My Inmortal mystery appeared and it was more confusing than I ever imagined. Wow.

    1. Laura H.*

      Is this regarding that (in)famous fanfic or something else?

      I hope it’s something else but that’s where my brain went…

  68. Fleur de Lis*

    What does it mean when a guy calls you “innocent”? There’s a guy “John” in my friendship group that recently said that to me- he said that I was “so innocent”. He just made the remark- it had nothing to do with our conversation. It’s the oddest thing. He’s hot and cold personality wise- he sort of becomes infatuated with people and then gets bored and moves on, so I don’t think that he is great relationship material. He’s a charmer- he’s very social and fun, but he can be moody and sensitive as well. Should I ask him about it or just ignore it?

    1. All the cats 4 me*

      Naive? Un-worldy-wise?

      It doesn’t…..sound like a compliment, but maybe the tone was more admiring than judgemental?

    2. lily*

      Ugh this really annoys me. I get called innocent frequently, by men and women. I’d lean toward ignore it. I don’t /rarely swear, don’t party, drink, or smoke, and am generally pretty rule following. I think that’s where it comes from for me. I’m also quiet until I’m comforable in a situation, maybe that has something to do with it? I don’t quite know what people mean, but it’s never seemed like a good thing. Especially coming from a guy, it rubs me the wrong way. Is he wanting to “currupt” me? It’s a weird comment to get

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I have to agree with . . . and Cheesesteak in Paradise and Quandong. This guy’s so-called charm would more accurately be described as insulting. He does not value you for your unique selfhood; he merely wants to win the battle of Sexual Conquest. He deserves no more than public distance and private disdain. If he wants to socialize further with you, you are always otherwise engaged.

        Ironically, his behavior is also a helpful announcement, in neon letters: “I am Trouble in the making! Avoid me and save yourself all kinds of time, inconvenience, and indigestion!” In other words, ignore him.
        As Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Oops. Nesting fail. This was supposed to be below …., Cheesesteak in Paradise, and Quandong.

          P.S. I wish you a lifetime of much better companionship than Mr. “I want to corrupt you.”

    3. Anonymous*

      Move on. It’s insulting and also hot and cold people are not folks you want to be involved with.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        Yes, good chance it’s a “neg” so you will prove how not-innocent you can be by hooking up with him.

        2. Cambridge Comma*

          My first thought was also that he’s read about negging. He’s trying to get you to prove that you aren’t.

    6. Generic Name*

      Sounds like a neg. I’d ignore it. It sounds like your assessment of him (not relationship material) is spot on.

    7. Dan*

      I’m a dude…

      Stay away from this guy, period. What you describe is manipulative as hell, and in in the long run is going to be abusive as hell if you get into a relationship with him. He’ll be the guy that will convince you that you’re the problem when you’ve done nothing wrong. He’ll be the guy that will cheat on you and then convince you that you’re being paranoid if you ask about it.

      At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what John said or why he said it. This is a guy that you want to keep as much distance from as you can given the circumstances. Why John said what he said shouldn’t concern you, and you should forget you ever knew his name.

      Granted, you didn’t ask about dating John, but I stand by what I said. John is bad news, period, and his opinions don’t matter to you.

      1. Batgirl*

        Yep, a manipulative neg does predict all this other stuff. Maintain the sort of distance you’d give a cobra. If he repeats the same neg: “Why, is believing you a crime?”

    8. Chaordic One*

      I’m inclined to agree with All the cats 4 me, but I’d like to add that it could also mean someone who believes the best about people, who gives them the benefit of the doubt, and who is NOT cynical.

      1. Anonymous*

        Reading All the cats 4 me’s comment, the only way I can get onboard with “believing the best” is if the OP has super high social EQ. This kind of guy is trying to screw with your head and manipulate you. If that’s the game you want to play, then it’s not my place to stop you, but *please* ask yourself why this isn’t a total waste of your time. (All of the “you’ references here are the general “you”, and not pointed at “Chaordic One” specifically.)

    9. Not So NewReader*

      He was infatuated with you and now he is bored with you. Don’t waste your time asking about this because his answer will make even less sense than what he has told you so far.

      Steer away from people like this, really. They are exhausting.

      Helen Reddy had a song- “It’s the one who won’t be taken who cannot seem to give.” And this guy is a case in point. He is so afraid of being taken that he has decided to “be savvy” about everything. Generally this boils down to find something negative to say about everyone and everything. He is showing his “sophistication” by finding something negative quickly. “I am so smart and so savvy, that I ALREADY know everything is actually a big zero.”

    10. RagingADHD*

      Ignore it.

      I used to get that sometimes in my 20s. Invariably it was from a superficially charming guy who really liked having all the attention from all the women, all the time.

      It wasn’t always bc they wanted to get with me, because some of them had the chance and passed. It was more that they wanted to have me on a string.

      Looking back, I think what prompted in the moment was that they’d been flirting or setting up a hookup situation (like, “let’s all get wasted and see what happens”) and I didn’t respond in the way they expected. Either I missed it, or noped out of the setup, or they couldn’t read my reaction.

  70. OyHiOh*

    This weekend, I’m reading New York 2140 (Kim Stanley Robinson)

    Y’all, I almost always dislike alternative history and dystopian/utopian fantasies. They never, ever ring “true,” usually because either the origin story lacks an anchor that makes sense, or because humans end up characterized so black and white that I can’t see myself fitting into the story.

    Anyway, I’ve read barely 100 pages of this book and completely totally love it. It’s kind of dystopian – ocean levels have risen predictably and catastrophically – but so full of hope and realism and people testing old assumptions and trying out new things, that it feels both completely believable and utterly magical at the same time.

    It’s a big read (over 600 pages in paperback) and complex and thoughtful so it’s not a fast read, but it’s interesting and draws you in from the first pages.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      He’s an incredible writer. Have you found the Science in the Capital books yet? “Fifty Degrees Below” was my favorite, and I had to reread it after my vacation in DC fell during the polar vortex.

      1. OyHiOh*

        This is the first thing of his I’ve read because I nearly always hate sci-fi, etc.

        But I like his style so I’ll probably check out some of his others after this one!

    3. GoryDetails*

      “This weekend, I’m reading New York 2140 (Kim Stanley Robinson)”

      I liked that one – and was surprised by that, as the idea of a post-apocalyptic novel centering on economics wouldn’t have sounded like much fun. But I enjoyed the ways in which people coped with the changes – and tried to work within the system to change the government, though admittedly the subplots gave them some very unexpected leverage!

      My comments on my BookCrossing copy here: https://www.bookcrossing.com/journal/15594698/

  71. Halloween house decoration question*

    Question about an outdoor Halloween decoration. We decorate our house a bit for Halloween, and one of the decorations is a full-size skeleton standing in a coffin with the door open. We’ve never had any problems/complaints about it, and others in the neighborhood go all-out with gory/scary decorations. My question (finally) is whether it would be ok to put some type of a 3D facsimile of the coronavirus in the coffin, maybe in the skeleton’s hand or under his/her foot? We definitely don’t want to be insensitive, so what would you think if you saw this?

    1. Masked Bandit*

      I’d think it was in poor taste, especially in the US where the virus hasn’t been taken seriously, but I also never really went for gallows humor.

    3. Max Kitty*

      May hit too close to home for some. And if I were out with kids for Halloween, I would want them to have a bit of a Covid break.

    4. lazy intellectual*

      Nonononono.

      I think normal Halloween decorations are fine (like gravestones), but don’t make fun of COVID deaths.

    5. Halloween house decoration question*

      Thanks for your thoughtful opinions! As I was typing the question, it was becoming clearer. Sometimes putting something down in writing is helpful, and I thank you for your considered responses.

    6. Anono-me*

      I’m also requesting that you skip the covid-19 part. I find it to be very real and very scary right now.

      Thank you for thinking that other people might not see it the same way you do and asking if it distressing. (This is one of my favorite things about the weekend comments. Considerate people who ask, ‘How will other people perceive/feel about this thing that I like?’ )

    7. RagingADHD*

      Personally, I wouldn’t think anything of it. Ive seen plenty of political cartoons and other satirical representations. But I can see where some might have a negative reaction.

      How about doing a Murder Hornet? Still topical, far less likely to offend.

    8. Pennyworth*

      I think linking a fantasy scary thing like a skeleton in a coffin with a very real, current scary coronavirus is probably not a good idea.

    10. Garden Photographer*

      I really think that would be in poor taste. Hope you will reconsider. There are other ways you have fun with Halloween decorating this year that won’t hurt others.

  72. Might be Spam*

    I have a knitting question. What stitch would have the softest texture? I have some leftover yarn to use up and I want to make some scarves and hats to donate to a school.

      1. Might Be Spam*

        Is that the same as “twice knit” where it’s the same on both sides? I think I did that a very long time ago.

  73. Ask a Manager* Post author

    An update on the tech issues I mentioned on Friday — Things are a lot better as of late today. I’ve returned most of the site’s functionality to where it was before this happened (I shut down a lot of features while troubleshooting) although a few things aren’t back yet. I’m cautiously optimistic that the worst of it is behind us but I’m continuing to monitor things. Thanks for your patience with it!

    1. Dan*

      I’ve been getting a browser hijack on your site (only) on my personal PC. The hijack has been happening for the last few months, and I got it again this evening. It only happens on my personal PC, and only on this site. I don’t have issues when accessing this site from my work PC, or other sites from my personal PC, and I use the same browser on both my work PC and my personal PC.

      Is the browser hijack a “me problem” or something on your end?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It’s not a you problem. It’s happening to a ton of sites, including this one. It’s a bit of a whack a mole situation, where when they stop it from some sources, it pops up from others, but it’s very much being worked on.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Appreciate your hard work to make this site safe and enjoyable! I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hope you can take some consolation in this having proven to so many of us that you are a part of our daily routine, which we miss terribly when it goes away. Thank you for all you do.

  74. SunshineDaisies*

    I’m looking for advice on organizing craft supplies. I have lots and lots of various kinds. I have a couple of sets of plastic drawers, a small desk, and a few plastic bins (one of which is divided and currently holds pens). I have a small pen organizer that allows me to store some vertically with one pen per slot. But I can’t shake the feeling that this all feels suboptimal, like there’s something BETTER out there besides more drawers to put things in.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I got a 5 drawer filing cabinet from Craigslist ($35!) and it works great! I have yarn in 1 drawer, then folded fabric, misc crafts, embroidery, hoops and looms. It has pretty deep (long?) drawers. I have it in the closet of my Sewoff (sewing room/office).
      If you are Facebook, I suggest that you join ‘Cross stitch storage ideas and solutions’. Not just cross stitch, and so many pictures and ideas!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am drawn to heavily designed systems. Your pen organizer sounds like something that would catch my eye.

      In reality what works for me is a set of plain storage bins, the simple things work out the best in the long run for me. And this is because as my supplies and tools fluctuate up and down the simpler system can easily accommodate the fluctuation. Let’s say I find a bunch of embroidery floss at a yard sale. I can pull out a slightly larger bin and put the old floss together in the bin with my latest purchase. This also works for me in case I change what I am doing for example I can put the bin of crochet hooks away and pull out the bin of knitting needles if I decide to knit for a while.

      I do spent a little bit more thought on how to store some tools. My sewing stuff is a good example. I found an antique tool maker’s chest. It’s solid wood with lined drawers. I keep small sewing tools, bobbins, special purpose needles and such in that chest. This is worth it because I have several hundred dollars of sewing machine feet in there. So it protects my investment from damage and I don’t have to hunt all over for a specific foot.

      When I switched to just plain plastic bins, I splurged on a label maker. So now I have stacks of bins that are clearly labeled. Nothing is getting lost or getting dusty. I put things away like I should because it is not a big drill to put it away.

      Unfairly, I am still fascinated by super organized and over designed systems.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I came way too late, because I’ve been consumed with trying to get ready to organize my sewing supplies. I will come back next weekend and ask more about the sewing feet – I bought a used sewing machine and the woman had invested in every foot made for it – wow. So I need to do something, soon, when I unpack it. Right now I’m finishing setting up the shelves and cupboards i bought used and toted home… but I am impressed with your foot idea, and will be back….

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I dunno if you will see this.
          This is very similar to what I have. My father had it in with his things. You might get lucky and find a relative who is SO VERY HAPPY that someone would use it- they just give it to you.

          https://www.etsy.com/listing/866460382/antique-machinist-chest-tool-box-wood?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=machinist+tool+chest&ref=sr_gallery-1-13&cns=1

          I had legs made for it so it is at a working height and not way down on the floor. But you might be able to just set it on your new shelves. I stole the idea from something I saw in a catalog years ago.

    3. Anonymous*

      I see a lot of craftspeople on youtube with their commonly used tools on a peg board. The carpenters have their stuff on a big rustic pegboard in the garage, while the sewists have theirs cute pegboards in the sewing room, but the idea is the same. The sewists also tend to have a thread rack on the wall.

      It wouldn’t be good for consumables like cloth and beads, but would be great for the things you are always reaching for.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I love organizing things! For me, half the fun is MacGyvering items made for other purposes into exactly the right containers for my stuff.

      The easiest way is to browse, which you might not be doing In These Times. A lot of the stores near me are almost empty most of the time, and we’re not trending hot right now, so I would be comfortable putting on a mask and poking around. My favorite is Container Store but that will eat up your disposable income pretty quickly. Ikea is great but it depends on how convenient it is to you. A good middle ground is Target.

      Then the fun part is looking around in all the different departments – kitchen storage, bathroom storage, closet storage, desk storage, craft storage – to find the solutions that look best for your stuff.

      I especially like the Container Store lucite stacking shoe drawers. They’re quite sturdy so they can hold fairly heavy items, they stack beautifully, and because they are drawers you can get at things on the bottom layers more easily than with stacking bins.

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      I think a lot depends on what your craft supplies are and how you use them. Do you need to be able to look at them to see what you need? Do you just need to know where to go for them? Do you need to grab a couple of things quickly as you craft or do you get out all the things for a particular project? Grabbables may do well in divided trays or bins like your pen bins, or on pegboards. Sets of tools may need individual boxes. Fabric can be rolled and placed on shelves or folded around magazine boards in drawers or on shelves (but try to protect it from light if you keep your fabric a long time). A lot of my sewing notions are in drawers with dividers so I know where each thing is. And I agree so very heartily with labels for anything you can’t see into. Have fun doing this! Organizing the supplies can be part of the fun of crafting.

      1. SunshineDaisies*

        I usually get all the things for a particular project, although pens tend to be grab and go (thus the organizer). A lot is paper. But quite a bit is just… miscellaneous, not enough to fill a whole bin. And I hate when I’m looking for something and I have to empty a whole bin to get it because everything is stacked on top of each other. It seems like I have to look through every piece of paper or blank card I own to find the one I was looking for.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          If it’s paper, how about actual file folders? Specifically designed to keep various bits of paper in an organized and accessible manner.

    6. juneybug*

      I have a lot of craft supplies for grandkids and myself so I purchase a shelving unit from Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Sandusky-PS361872-5B-Plastic-Shelving-Height/dp/B00G268OVS/ref=sr_1_14?dchild=1&keywords=Sandusky&qid=1601836125&sr=8-14) and clear plastic bins from the dollar store.
      The crazy thing is I put it in the guest room closet!! Now it’s easy to access the crafts, I can easily remove the shelving unit if I want, and once the closet doors are closed, you don’t see the mess.

    7. Anonymous*

      Uline sells what they call divider boxes. They aren’t the most beautiful organizers, but they do allow you to divide the interior with removable dividers. So one box can hold multiple types of supplies and be changed up based on your need.

  75. Freshly21*

    Hoping some folks can help educate me on/recommend some good cocktails/alcoholic beverages?

    I turned 21 back in May and I’ve never drank much, never planned on being a big drinker or partier and still don’t plan to be. But I’m an avid foodie and coffee lover and realized being able to legally consume alcoholic beverages now does open a whole new beverage market for me, and I figured it’d be nice to find a couple of cocktails or something that I like to enjoy once in a while.
    I haven’t had a whole lot of alcohol, and I suppose much like I had to try various menu items at Starbucks before I was coffee-literate so to speak in order to get a feel for what kind of coffee I like, I might need to try a few things before discovering what cocktails etc I really like.
    I prefer really sweet beverages, and so far the only alcohol I’ve really liked is a dessert wine my parents had for their anniversary. I’ve tried a couple margaritas, and a sip of white wine that I was cooking with, and completely hated both haha.

    2. Anonymous*

      So… your question is really broad. If you ask me, alcohol breaks down into three overarching categories: Beer, wine, and spirits. Within the first two, those categories are super broad. And “spirits” is super broad too. For whatever time it took you to figure out “coffee”, the same could be said for beer, wine or spirits, and the subcategories within. All you can really know from what you tried so far is that you hated whatever preparation of whatever it is you had.

      All that said, you could walk into a bar and say, “I would like a sweet cocktail please” and you *might* get something you would enjoy. The bartender would appreciate it if you know the base spirit you like (be it vodka, gin, tequila, mezcal, bourbon, whiskey, scotch, pisco or whatever). If you don’t know any of this, go in to a bar on a slow night (Sun-Wed) and the good ones will help you. If you need to be babysat (sorry) tip them well. Those nights, you’ll get good help if the bartender is good. The good ones like their craft and want to share their knowledge with the noobs. Just don’t do that Thurs-Sat, which are the busy nights. Then, the bar staff just want to make money and not baby sit people who don’t know what they’re doing.

      All in all, just don’t worry about it and try to have fun. I’m 40, and I like my booze, but there are large parts of beer/wine/spirits consumptions that I still don’t know. You’ll probably find your “thing” that you like, and eschew the rest. That’s fine!

      1. PX*

        This is a very good comment. Making friends with bartenders (on slow nights!) is honestly one of my favourite things to do (and I’m bummed Covid has taken this away from me).

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        This is excellent advice. I like going to bars on slow nights so we can chat with the bartender, and the best times are when I let them try new things on me. But I’m an experienced drinker. A good bartender will talk to you about preferences and let you try a few things. You might spend some money, but it’s worth it.

        Look for chill bars, low or no music, a lot of bottles behind the bar. Searching for “craft cocktails” also helps.

        Also, don’t be embarrassed by anything you like or dislike. Be honest. You won’t hurt their feelings if you say, “That’s a little bitter for me,” but be as specific as you can. Too bitter, they can add some simple syrup. Too boozy, they can add more juice. I used to help our favorite bartender refine new drinks by giving him honest feedback.

    3. Aealias*

      Try an Amaretto Sour? Not really sour, I’ve always thought they tasted like Nerds candy.

      I’m fond of sweet milky things. White Russian, Tia Maria and Milk. Irish Cream and Kahlua are sweet liqueurs where the alcohol taste is not overwhelming.

      Daiquiris can be very nice (they’re basically a rum-filled slushie) if the rum isn’t overpowering. It very much depends how they’re mixed.

      Dessert wines and ciders, some fruit wines, Chocolate Shoppe wine and mead might all appeal to you.

    5. Garden Photographer*

      I rarely drink these days because of medication I have to take, but my favorite cocktail is Sex on the Beach. There are some variations on how to make it, but generally it’s a combination of vodka, peach schnapps, orange juice, and cranberry juice. It’s sweet and doesn’t have a strong taste of alcohol.

    6. Belgian*

      I think I am like you, in that I also prefer sweet beverages. I would recommend trying fruity cocktails or maybe a coffee liqueur? Baileys is pretty sweet and a great drink for winter time.

    7. PX*

      Anonymous left a good comment above – but basically alcohol is a much, much broader sphere than coffee, so this is basically a journey that can last you a lifetime!

      But to get you started, some tips. My top tip here is going to be, start with weaker cocktails before working your way up. Basically if you look at the ingredient list on a cocktail – at the moment you’re probably going to want things with more mixers rather than less. Look for things mixed with soda, juice etc. You might see them on menu’s classed as long drinks – those are your classic rum and cokes, gin and tonic, screwdriver (vodka + orange juice) etc. Essentially here you are just getting used to the taste of alcohol.

      Then I would suggest moving to fruit-y cocktails as they often skew sweeter – but can also be a bit sour, so depends how happy you are with that. Things like tequila sunrise, sex on the beach, pina colada etc. If you like coffee, maybe try espresso martini’s, or just boozy coffee. Dont be afraid to also ask for single rather than double shots of alcohol as well, if you’re not used to drinking – the taste of alcohol can feel pretty overpowering.

      As you get used to different alcohols and start to decide which ones you like (ie identify which base alcohols you like), you can start to focus on either more cocktails in that family or varieties of that particular alcohol (Eg defining exactly what type of wine or beer or vodka you like), or broadening your base. At this point things like negroni’s or manhattan’s which are basically just alcohol may or may not be more palatable to you!

      What you’ll find when it comes to alcohol – most of it isnt sweet naturally. Other than dessert wines or some liqueurs, most alcohol isnt designed to be sweet on the palate (its also a function of making alcohol – the sugars are what turn into alcohol), so what you need to do is find combinations that work for you. And that is where the fun lies – there are so many to try!

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I’m someone who doesn’t drink much and I really don’t care for anything that isn’t sweet when it comes to cocktails/spirits. My go-to is Bailey’s Irish Cream, but I also enjoy: White Russian, Blue Hawaiian, espresso martini, Toasted Almond, and mudslides. I do love a good, simple non-frozen margarita (I like the Patron recipe online) and I like wine coolers (I just recently discovered Seagrams is selling these–feels like the 80s!).

    9. Schmitt*

      At 21 I also liked alcohol on the sweet side. At 38 my palate has changed and expanded. So don’t expect that what you’ll like now is what you’ll like next year and always keep trying new things! I had the chance to do a free whiskey tasting a few years ago – I had never even thought about trying neat whiskey before – turns out I love it.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Same here, I drank really sweet wine and fruity or creamy drinks in my early 20s. Now I’m 39 and mostly drink beer and bourbon, though I do enjoy a good tropical rum based drink now and then. OP, when it’s safe again, maybe try tastings/sampling events too. Precovid our local liquor mart frequently had samplers going, it’s a great way to try new things.

      2. SunshineDaisies*

        I was going to say something very similar. At 21, I loved dessert wine and now, at 27, I find it sickly sweet. I much prefer big, plush reds or crisp, mineral-y whites. Freshly21, if you enjoyed the Juniper Latte at Starbucks a couple of years ago, you’ll probably enjoy the taste of gin.

    10. 2QS*

      I also like ridiculously sweet things.

      Fruity cocktails, ice wine, liqueurs based on fruit/chocolate/vanilla/mint flavours (e.g. “crème de cacao”).

    11. CatCat*

      You’d probably like a Cuba libre, which is rum, coke, and lime juice.

      You might enjoy the book “The 12 Bottle Bar,” which is a mix of cocktail education, history, and recipes. It breaks recipes into categories including things that are sweet and fruity. It’s a fun and interesting book.

    12. Llellayena*

      As a fellow sweet tooth, I found that I needed to hide the taste of the alcohol somewhat to be able to like the drink. Mudslides and White Russians were my go-to’s for a while. The cream in them dulled the alcohol taste. And the mudslides have Kahlua, so coffee! I also enjoyed amaretto sours, the almond flavor was sweet for me. I’ve expanded my “sour” options since then and really need to find somewhere that can recreate the peach pomegranate sour one bartender made when I said “I want to try something new and I usually like X.” I’ve found I don’t like beer but love hard cider, again the apple makes it sweeter. If you want to develop a taste for wine, try a sweet Riesling. But it might take a little time for your palate to develop into liking wine.

    13. Nixologist*

      Flights will benefit you greatly at this time. If you want to learn about beer go to a brewery/taproom and try several small beers. Many wine bars offer the same presentation but with wine. Either way, you can get a very diverse flight to just shoot in the dark about what appeals to you, and then if you find something you like you can move on to flights in a similar vein. The above advice about going on a slow night still stands, because then you’re more likely to get thorough explanations about beers from your bartender. Also, most menus will have some degree of description and Google is great for learning more about a particular aspect.
      There is so much to try! And learn! Be open minded and be able to tell people what you’ve liked in the past (alcohol or not, food, drink, etc).

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        Mead and ciders are good options as well. I went to a meadery last summer and many of them were very sweet which at 40 Is too much but my 20s would have been fantastic.

        I had a hard cherry apple cider a few years ago and I wish I could remember the name of the brand. FWIW, they’re based in Michigan and the ciders were Halloween themed. This particular cider was vampire themed.

        1. Washi*

          Yes to cider! I also prefer sweet alcohol and cider is my go-to. Most bars have them now, and they kind of look like beer, so if everyone else is drinking beer, I fit right in.

          In my experience, pear cider is the sweetest and practically tastes like juice. Apple ciders can really vary in sugar content, from sweet to dry to very hoppy/ale-y, which is not my thing. A lot of times, the bartender can tell you which end of the spectrum their ciders are on.

    14. Voluptuousfire*

      Try a Prosecco or champagne cocktail. Most times it’s just Prosecco and grenadine with a twist of lemon. Sweet and better for when you want to feel more sophisticated than a sex on the beach.

      A good sweet wine is this brand called Jam Jar from South Africa. It’s sweet and inexpensive and easy to find in most liquor stores. I drank the red wine of that brand and it’s sweet. Also Lambrusco. It’s sweet and fuzzy, like red wine soda and cheap. You can get a 3L bottle for less than $15.

      Also try sloe gin fizz.

    15. The teapots are on fire*

      Silver fizzes are lovely–gin, a little lemon, a little sugar, and whipped egg white. Pasteurized eggs are wise to use.

    16. OyHiOh*

      If you’re thinking about things you might order, vs bottles you might want to buy, make friends with a bartender and visit when their establishment isn’t too busy. Tell them what you like (“really sweet drinks, hated the margarita I tried” is a good starting point) and try what they suggest. If you don’t like the first suggestion, say so and try something different. After awhile, you’ll start to get a sense of what you’ll probably like.

      For cocktails, I’d suggest starting with tiki bar drinks; they’re usually rum based, fruity, and sweet.

      For keeping a bottle of wine around, you need a friend at a wine store. “I like dessert wine” is enough for a good wine shop person to work from and again, if they suggest something you end up not liking, say so! The good ones keep notes on customer preferences so they can make better recommendations.

    17. RagingADHD*

      I like sweet things, and my favorite wine is sparkling Moscato. It is also very cheap. It’s alcoholic soda pop.

      I drink prerty rarely, but I’ve been over 21 for a looong time, so I’ve had the chance to try lots of stuff. I can only tolerate 1 drink, so I want it to taste good. After 1 drink, I just want to go to sleep, so it’s not fun anymore.

      For cocktails, a rum & coke is hard to beat. I also like Bailey’s on the rocks, and sometimes an Old Fashioned.

      I prefer hard cider to beer. Hard lemonade is okay, but sometimes too sweet even for me. It’s also kind of dangerous, because it goes down so easy I get buzzed & sleepy quicker than I wanted to.

      When I want something less sweet, a gimlet (gin or vodka with lime cordial) or a gimblet (same thing but with fresh lime instead of syrup) is nice.

      There is a stigma among foodies that sweet drinks are unsophisticated. So if you want to branch out, you might want to train your palate for drier or more complex flavors.

      Many wines taste best with food and aren’t really meant to be drunk on their own. Reds like merlot, shiraz, and malbec go nicely with lots of foods.

      I don’t really like drier white wines. I’ll have a zinfandel sometimes, but I’ll just have water if the host is serving Pinot. There’s a German dessert wine that I can’t spell – Gewurztraminer? – that is tasty but sometimes too cloying to go with food.

    18. Jackalope*

      I want to echo what some others said about cider and mead. I’m also a sweet drink fan (and unlike some of the others on here, I’ve stayed that way into middle age, so your palate may change but it also may not!). I don’t know if they’re available where you are but there’s One Tree cider; my favorites by them are huckleberry, lemon basil, and caramel cinnamon, but they also have a nice cranberry in the winter, and their passion guava (this year’s experiment) is amazing too. Most of the time you can order online although I just checked and their shipping is currently paused.

      My first ever mead was Honeywood mead and it’s a very sweet mead. If you aren’t familiar with it, mead is also called honey wine, and since it’s fermented honey it’s sweeter than wine made from grapes. Some meads are incredibly dry so look at the alcohol content but in general it can be a good bet. You can also get fruity meads, aka huckleberry mead, strawberry mead, etc., and I’ve seen some great cinnamon mead as well.

      One other idea that I’ve found to be helpful sometimes is to figure out a component of a drink and then look up drinks with that ingredient. For example, say you like pineapple juice (which is great mixed with alcohol); go online and look up “drinks with pineapple juice” and you’ll find a list. Look at them and see which one sounds like it might be good. One note: if there’s something in a drink that you absolutely despise you probably won’t like the drink it’s mixed in either, but if there’s something you are meh about, it might turn out to be great in a drink mixed with other things. My example of this is that I’m not a huge fan of either orange juice or champagne/sparkling wine, but the first time I had a mimosa I was surprised by how much I liked it. So keep in mind that in mixed drinks things are sometimes more than the sum of their parts. (I will also note, in accordance with what others have said, that telling a bartender, “I’m not sure what I want but something with pineapple juice,” for example, will often get you something tasty that might be their own concoction but will be great.)

    19. Red haired runner*

      There is a YouTube channel called how to drink where the host makes all different types of cocktails and then gives tasting notes at the end. Watching some videos like this might help you narrow in on things that sound good to you.
      Also my favorite sweet drinks are a dark and stormy (ginger beer and dark rum) and creme de cassis (black currant liquor) mixed with blood orange soda.

    20. Emily*

      I don’t have cocktail recommendations, but you might like hard ciders! Look (or ask) for ones that are sweet or maybe semisweet.

  76. Quoth the Raven*

    Has anyone gone to the dentist since COVID?

    I started some dental treatments last year which I had to stop for a little bit because money issues, and when I had the money to continue, COVID happened and I decided to postpone going back. While some of it can still wait, it’s getting to the point where I can’t really afford to keep pushing most of it back until who knows when — I risk losing teeth or needing more extensive treatment — but I feel pretty wary of the whole thing.

    What has your experience been? Did you take any special precautions?

    1. WS*

      I went last week! I called ahead and they were happy to go through the precautions they take and what they wanted me to do. Everyone was appropriately gloved and masked at all times, not just when I was in the chair and I honestly felt safer there than I did at the (also quite good) doctor’s clinic.

    2. KeinName*

      I‘ve been going to the dentist regularly after we were allowed out again (I’m in Europe). The team did not seem overly worried when they were standing in front of my mouth, they just had the normal facemasks on. However the waiting room was almost empty and the receptionist was behind a plexiglass window. I wouldn‘t be too keen to have to wait in a room with a lot of people.

    3. tangerineRose*

      You might want to call ahead of time or check their web site to find out what precautions they take. At my dentist office, they had people wait in their cars instead of the waiting room, they asked patients to wear a mask until their teeth were being cleaned, etc., they took my temperature before I went inside, and everyone there wore masks. The dentist and dental hygenist each wore a face shield over a mask when working on my teeth. The chair was sanitized after I was finished (and I assume before I went in).

      1. Cruciatus*

        This is very similar to my experience. You wait in the car, then when they call you in they ask some medical questions (do you have a fever? Are you feeling well today?) and also take your temperature. I was at the dentist’s in June or July, but at that time they were not doing any teeth polishing because it would spray saliva and mouth gunk into the air. But everything else was pretty normal. I felt pretty safe. A little nervous, but it seems to have worked out OK. Then they disinfect the space (walls, counters, chair, windows) after a patient leaves.

      2. Anonymous*

        This was pretty much my experience as well. My dentist also had the external door locked and all internal doors propped open, and the receptionist opened the door for me so I literally didn’t have to touch anything except the chair. I was nervous because obviously you can’t wear a mask, but the safety procedures made me feel much better.

    5. Garden Photographer*

      Yes, I went to the dentist in September for a cleaning and felt comfortable with the precautions the office took. I was told to call the office when I arrived and to stay in my car until they called to let me know they were ready for me. I had to wear a mask except when they were working on my mouth. My hygienist was masked the whole time. She met me at the entrance and did a temperature check before I could go inside. My dentist’s office has patient rooms with 3 walls on each side, so I was never in contact with any other patients. I felt completely fine being there.

      I will say, depending on the weather, you might want to have your car’s air conditioner running so that if you’re waiting in your car, you don’t get hot and have a false “fever” reading if they do a temperature check. I made that mistake. It was a mild day outside, but even sitting in my car a few minutes with the engine off caused my temperature to rise. The first time my hygienist took my temperature, it was a tad high. She waited a couple of minutes before taking it again, and it was normal and I was allowed to go inside.

    6. Flower necklace*

      My teeth are terrible, so I’ve been to the dentist a few times after they reopened. My experience has been similar to those above: I had to call when I arrived and wait in the car, they took my temperature at the door, and everyone was masked. I also had to fill in a little survey each time confirming that I didn’t have symptoms, hadn’t been in close contact with anyone positive, etc. And I’ve been given a minute in the bathroom to wash my hands immediately after being shown in.

      Another thing that changed was that there is now a separate exit door, and they send me the bill rather than allowing me to pay at the reception area. Overall, I’ve felt pretty safe.

    7. Asenath*

      I’ve got an appointment coming up. The dentist’s office sent me a list of their precautions, and will follow up just before the date to ensure that in the interim I haven’t had a fever, been traveling, etc. I think the questions and precautions are fairly standard according to the local public health recommendations, and they’re certainly enough to make me feel as comfortable as I ever feel before seeing a dentist! Call when you’re ready to go in, no one goes in other than the patient (unless the patient is a child or needs an assistant), wear a mask except for the actual procedure, they do a final check of the patient’s temperature and answers to the screening questions, etc. I really can’t think of any other precautions I’d want them to take!

    8. nep*

      My next routine cleaning was supposed to be 11 September, and I was moving through a bout of shingles so I had to cancel. I’m overdue for the cleaning now, and a filling I’ve needed for a while. (My teeth are in a horrible state–I’ll go to my grave before getting all the needed work done.) I haven’t rescheduled because I’m concerned about going…but I know they’re taking all the necessary precautions and I need to go. Good to hear of others’ experiences.

    9. Pharmgirl*

      I just went for my regular cleanup because I missed my last one in March and it had been over a year. The receptionist had a mask, asked me the standard covid questions, and took my temperature. I was the only one in the waiting room but they had also blocked off half the chairs. Both the hygienist and dentist had the mask, eye shields and full face shields. They also asked me to rinse with a special rinse prior to minimize bacteria.

      1. AGD*

        Pretty much exactly the same for me. Glad I was the only one in the waiting room because there was only one chair.

    10. CTT*

      My (now ex-) dentist’s office was like an example of all the things NOT to do when I went back in June. No masks on anyone (waiting patients or staff) and no waiting in your car until the appointment. I never actually made it to the cleaning because there was a misunderstanding on the appointment time and I got there 45 minutes early, but the receptionist didn’t say anything until I said “I need to get back to work, can we reschedule,” which is when she told me how early I was. I can’t believe they were like “it’s a pandemic, but sure, hang out in our reception area for an unreasonably long time.”

    11. Tris Prior*

      I had a LOT of work that I couldn’t put off any longer, and had a total of five appointments between July and September. I was pretty scared, but my dentist was taking lots of precautions, everyone was covered in loads of PPE to the point that I could not tell my dentist was 9 months pregnant, they had clearly updated their air filtration (it was kind of loud) and had created little cubicles in what used to be sort of open nooks where each patient sat. Masks on everyone until they actually had to go in my mouth.

      They did all the common precautions – temp check upon entry, you wait outside until the lobby is empty, they sent me all the forms and covid symptom check survey on my phone so I could fill them out paperless-ly. They had me rinse with a hydrogen peroxide solution before they started work, which they hadn’t done before and was completely gross, but I guess that kills stuff?

      I got the first appointment of the morning each time to minimize what I might be breathing in from other patients. Also changed clothes and showered when I got home, which was probably overkill but it made me feel a little better.

      I really thought hard about whether this was a safe thing to do, but I have a history of putting off needed work to the point that I need oral surgery and I did not want more surgery so I decided to move forward. And, I didn’t get sick.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        I also do the shower/wash and change clothes thin when I leave the house nowadays. I even bought a winter coat I can toss in the wash each time
        as compared to my usual down coat.

        The whole idea makes me feel much better, mentally speaking.

    12. Voluptuousfire*

      I just went this past Tuesday for a cleaning. Everyone was in full PPE and I was the only patient in the office the time I was there.

      I was a bit worried but it was fine.

    13. Anonymous*

      Don’t risk losing teeth or needing more treatment, please, do go now if you can. We are going to have such a backlog of sick and injured people who delayed it’s going to be a real problem. I’ve gone and it was great!! They took sooo many precautions, masks, face shield, special air filters in each room, health screening. Call up and ask their Covid procedures so you know what you’re walking into. Please go!! Don’t lose teeth if you can avoid

    14. Anonymous*

      I went in June and they took my temp, I rinsed with listerine for 30 seconds, had a special air filter and PPE. It felt as safe as anything.

    15. RagingADHD*

      Yes, and it was fine. The dentist is at far more risk from you than you are from them, so they are taking extensive precautions.

      My dentist has only 1 patient in the office at a time, does a temperature check at the door, requires masks until you’re in the chair, wears PPE himself the whole time, and sanitizes everything you touch between patients.

    16. Filosofickle*

      I went this past week! It felt okay, actually. My original appt was July but I bumped it. (I was on the fence, and talked to them about it. They were grateful to get the spot for someone who needed it more than me.) While I don’t have any current worries, my teeth came in defective and often fall apart so it isn’t great for me to go too long without seeing a dentist.

      My office is working at reduced capacity and staggering start times so only one client in the waiting room at a time. Top-rated air purifiers (the one I can’t get right now lol) in every space. Extra PPE — plexi barriers for admin staff, double mask + shield for hygienist. There was an extra $15 PPE charge on my bill. I also had to swish with an extra rinse cocktail at the beginning and get a temp check. The night before I had to answer a slew of questions a bout my health and if I’ve traveled/socialized recently. My mom’s office created heavy curtain dividers between the rooms to keep aerosols from traveling which seems smart.

      The preventative steps I took was to further limit my exposure. I’m already basically staying home and not socializing, but I was extra aware of my choices in the two weeks before (and now after). I decided the going to dentist is a worthwhile risk, so it’s up to me to minimize any less necessary ones.

    17. Workerbee*

      I didn’t take any special precautions myself when I went a couple months ago. I got the temperature scan, the questionnaire, and the Listerine wash before the cleaning began. The tech was gloved with a mask and face shield.

      The only thing that was both funny and bugged at the same time was that the tech was a soft spoken lady who kept up a running commentary mixed with questions the entire time. I am not sure how she expected me to hear her over the sounds of the cleaning implements and through her shield and mask. Or, as with every dentist I’ve had, how I’m expected to respond with my mouth full of said implements. :)

    18. KR*

      I went! I wore a mask when they weren’t working on my teeth or x-raying. They work a mask. The receptionist was behind a big plexiglass shield and they weren’t taking as many patients at a time. It was all very normal. I felt bad for drooling with the x-ray film holders in my mouth but they didn’t mind.

      1. KR*

        They also took my temperature and had me go wash my hands when I walked in. I think they had me use mouthwash too before my appointment.

    19. Snarky Librarian*

      I went to the dentist a few weeks ago for a cleaning and was pretty disappointed in the whole experience. They didn’t check my temperature and I was allowed in the waiting room with no precautions. But they did charge me a $20 extra fee for PPE gear for their staff (who were wearing the same gear they always wear)! I won’t be back again unless it’s absolutely necessary.

      1. CJM*

        Yeah, I’m not going any time soon. Given my age and risk factors (and generally good dental health, so a delay is probably fine), it’s not worth the risk to me.

        In another example of annoying dental practices (like yours with a charge for invisible PPE gear), my dentist texted me yesterday to suggest a few openings for a visit this week. But a month ago I told them clearly that *I* will tag *them* when I’m ready to return. They’re going to lose my business if they do it again.

  77. Used car shopping guides, opinions*

    I’m in search of resources for evaluating used cars. Hoping for info on typical longevity, reliability, etc. Most of what I’ve seen, eg Consumer Reports magazine, Edmonds.com, don’t address the needed longevity. My next car will come with 100,000 miles already on it. NB: I’m in the U.S.

    Also interested in opinions from this group. Which brands (besides Toyota & Honda) are best for getting past 200,000 miles?

    My general criteria are: safety, reliability, fuel efficiency: then things like seats that fit, power locks & windows, and not too noisy. We’re in snow country, so good handling & all wheel drive would be a plus. I’ll run my top options past my mechanic before buying, but hoping to narrow the search.

    1. Reba*

      Toyota and Honda are the first ones that come to mind, but you might also look at Subaru. Many of my relatives are devoted to their Subarus, and tell me that it can actually be difficult to find used ones (there still just aren’t as many around as the other makers’). You might look at a Subaru for the AWD.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        People who get Subarus, in my experience, usually end up loving them and driving them into the ground, so yeah, they’re much harder to come by in the used market than some of the other manufacturers can be.

        1. Anonymous*

          I had this experience. I wanted a used one that was a few years old. But apparently nobody who buys Subarus in the Denver area parts with them that quickly. My mom had an easier time finding a used Subaru in a different state, so it might depend on where you are.

    2. Nicole76*

      Based on your criteria, I would recommend a Subaru. From what I’ve learned after buying a Crosstrek, Subaru is known for it’s longevity. My 2017 model has a lot of safety features and is all wheel drive. It’s quiet, handles beautifully, and is fuel efficient. I don’t believe they have a ton of mechanical issues either.

      1. Me again*

        Another satisfied Subaru owner here. Knock on wood, but I’m heading into my second decade and topping 200k mileswith this car and aside from replacing things as recommended by the manufacturer, no real work has been needed.

    3. Loopy*

      I’m not a car expert but I was looking into a much older Lexus (2003) someone wanted to hand down to me from a deceased family member and was shocked at people posting about how well it had held up and how much they LOVED it- many were near or well over 150,000 miles, some into the 200,000 mile range. After a decade it seems the price goes down and I’ve been told maintenance isn’t bad for this particular luxury brand. Normally, I wouldn’t think of of it as a practical choice, but base don my limited research you might want to look into some older Lexus models!

      1. anon24*

        Lexus is Toyota’s luxury brand so you are getting the reliability of a Toyota. Same with Acura/Honda.

    4. Auntie Social*

      You might look at a Mercedes ML 4-matic SUV. The ML is the precursor to the current GLE SUV. I would look for one with a larger engine (I have a 10+ year-old ML-550 which has never given me any trouble.) Mercedes is famously known for being able to get 100,000–200,000 miles out of their vehicles. They get very reasonably priced as they age.

      1. Please Exit Through the Rear Door*

        I’ve heard the opposite, unfortunately. Old-school Mercedes (1990s and previous) were tanks, but there was a time period more recently where, according to Consumer Reports, Mercedes was one of the most unreliable brands out there. I’ve seen horror stories also about Volkswagens and post-2005ish BMWs.

        Several family members/acquaintances of mine have Subarus and swear by them; I find them noisy and unrefined, but they would meet all your other criteria and they seem to last forever. A Volvo from the mid-1990s or later (earlier ones have rear-wheel-drive; no good for snow country) should be good for you, too. Everyone I know who has or had a Toyota got well into the six digits mileage-wise with them, and I still see plenty of early-1990s Toyotas on the road. My family had one dud Honda that blew its engine at 90K miles, but at least six or seven others that have been unfailingly reliable, including my own (I have a 13-year-old CR-V that looks 13 years old appearance-wise, but still drives like a new car).

        As for where to look for “official” info, Consumer Reports and Edmonds would have been my two suggestions. Good luck!

        1. saf*

          I had am 86 audi 5000s that went well over 200,000. As noted here about other German car brands, the more recent models may not have that kind of longevity.

    5. SeaMarie*

      I just sold my 1985 Volvo with way over 200 thousand miles and it still runs great. My husband is still driving his 1978 Ford and my “new” car is a 2004 Ford Tarus. Oh yes, I drove my 1966 Chevy Inpala SS for over 40 years of daily driving–it’s in Finland now, owned by a collector. Point being that it’s how cars are cared for not if they are Japanese or not.

      1. Dancing Otter*

        Agree with Volvo. I was very upset when my insurer insisted on totaling my 160K mile Volvo. Head-on collision, relatively low speed but they were concerned the frame might have been out of true. BTW, I didn’t have so much as a bruise. Volvo engines run forever, the body and wiring will give out first.
        With Ford, though, I think you have been very fortunate. My Taurus definitely earned the sobriquet of “Fix Or Repair Daily.”
        I don’t think all foreign cars are superior to all American cars. My daughter’s VW had a wallet sensor: something needed fixing every time she had any extra money. But I do think American manufacturers believe in planned obsolescence: they make more money selling a customer a new car (or appliances) every three to five years than every ten to fifteen.

  78. Loopy*

    One of my favorite warm drinks is a good hot spiced apple cider. I bought some basic cold cider yesterday and am overwhelmed looking at recipes to transform it into a good hot spiced apple cider!

    A lot of them include ingredients I don’t have so I got a bit discouraged pretty quickly. Does anyone here have some hacks to spice store bought cider with common household ingredients? I don’t have whole cloves and my cinnamon sticks are well over a year old so I might be out of luck, but though I’d check here!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’d look at anything you’d normally put into apple or pumpkin pie – nutmeg, ground cloves, ginger, cinnamon? Maybe even a pumpkin pie blend if you have it. If you end up having to buy something, I’m a fan of Penzey’s mulling spices, and their Chinese five spice powder might actually be interesting too — it’s cinnamon, star anise, anise seed, ginger and cloves. (My husband bought a jar of it and I was expecting it to have some sort of hot pepper type thing in it, but I read the instructions and I was like “I could use this in pie if I run out of pumpkin pie blend!” Though I’d probably add a bit of nutmeg to it, given my druthers.)

      2. Loopy*

        Thanks! Buying a packet of mulling spices are much easier than five different ingredients, I’ll keep an eye out for those! I have all those spices you mentioned but wasn’t sure if ground spices would work since I keep seeing more complicated recipes!!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ve never actually tried with ground spices, to be honest – if they don’t dissolve on a first attempt, you might try putting them in a tea ball or a twist of cheesecloth? I think I’ve seen mulling spices come in a “tea bag” type packet before.

        2. Pharmgirl*

          I have seen “tea bags” of mulling spices sold at Whole Foods before (a few years back, but I believe that it was made by a company that also sold cider, and they had them on the display together). Or if you live near Trader Joe’s they sell already spiced cider!

    2. Not A Manager*

      Your elderly cinnamon sticks are fine. Break them in half and toss them in. Even if you don’t have any other ingredients, just simmer the cinnamon with the cider on a low heat until it tastes flavorful. Add a squeeze of lemon juice before you serve it to brighten the flavor.

    3. SunshineDaisies*

      Your cinnamon sticks will be fine. Ground cloves will be fine. Fresh or ground (but not pickled) ginger, nutmeg, and allspice will all go well. Anything you’d put into apple pie. If you’re worried about the ground spices feeling icky in the bottom of the cup, you can strain the cider through cheesecloth or put the spices into an empty tea bag.

    4. Not A Manager*

      If you use ground spices, filter your hot cider through a coffee filter if you have one. You can hack a filter by putting two layers of paper towels into a colander and setting that over a bowl.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Ignore dates on cinnamon and other baking spices–if they’ve faded, just increase the measurement a little. I think sesame seed is the only spice that has enough oil in it to go bad. That said, you can use powdered spices in your cider, it’ll just be a little gritty on your teeth so try filtering it through a bit of cloth if it bugs you. Cardamom pods are nice too.

  79. What Do?*

    Question for the financially literate- Is there any advantage I’m missing to going with an employers 403(b) over say an E-Trade IRA? The employer doesn’t contribute, so not missing out on $$. It seems like the fees with E-Trade are less, as far as I can tell, but am I missing anything else?

    1. CatCat*

      Your contribution limits are higher in a 403(b). Not sure if you’re looking at traditional or Roth IRA, but there may be limits on how much you can deduct from taxes if doing a traditional IRA depending on income and tax filing status.

      1. Anonymous*

        Yeah depending on how much money you make you won’t be able to contribute the max ($18,500) per year into a private IRA. If you aren’t able to or planning to contribute the max per year, it might be an option.

    2. ronda*

      yes the higher contribution limit will allow you to defer more income (~19k vs ~6k) and pay less taxes (they adjust the exact amount every year and if you are over 50 you can do a little more).

      Depending on your income level you will also be able to contribute to the IRA (roth or traditional) while contribution to a 403b. you can model how much by using tax software if you want (it will be slightly off, since amounts are adjusted each year, but will be close).

      Also yes… employer plans generally have more fees and are limited to what the employer decides you can have to invest in. My preferred place for my investments is Vanguard but I also use Fidelity (both are low cost). Fidelity offers a no cost H S A that I just transfered to if you also have one of those. You can generally transfer HSA while still in the plan, but for 401, 403 etc you generally can only transfer it when you leave employment. If you do this you have to make sure you follow the rules so it is not taxable (ie do a rollover, not a distribution).

      Also, since there is no match each pay period (employer match rules are sometimes tied to your contribution each pay period), some people front load the $ to their 403/401 plan. This allows you to get the full amount in for the tax year even if you end up leaving the job. Also in theory… this allows you to have your $ in the market for slightly longer giving you slightly better returns, but I am not sure that will matter lots.

    3. What Do?*

      Thanks, y’all! I knew I must be missing something. My teacher salary is unlikely to allow getting anywhere near the max contribution on just an IRA. Our last raise was eaten by increased health insurance costs, so 403(b) doesn’t seem to offer much of an advantage right now.

  80. Not A Girl Boss*

    Is there a group exercise class that’s good for meeting people? Or any kind of group hobby situation that is?

    I know a few guys who do jiu jitsu and have talked about amazing friendships to come out of it. The format of the class involves an activity and then a break where people chat.

    But there’s not really many women who do BJJ. And I’ve tried spin and yoga, and it’s just not great for encouraging socializing.

    Ive really struggled to meet people in my new state. I’m pretty shy. And my biggest hobby is fitness (exercise and cooking myself nutritious foods). I just don’t have any hobbies that really neatly lend themselves to meeting people. I truly hate knitting, etc.

    *Obviously this is all vague pondering for after COVID

    1. CTT*

      If one of my coworkers is anything to go by: rock climbing. She made more friends in a month doing that than I did in a year.

      1. PX*

        Second this. Used to climb a ton and made some great friends when I did. Unfortunately climbing culture is different in various parts of the world, so when I moved to a new country and the climbing culture was more clique-ish, I couldnt be bothered trying to break in to it, so that plus injuries meant I had to find a new sport. So in essence, I was spoiled by my previous climbing experience – thats how good it was!

        I now do a martial arts class and thats a ton of fun. A little bit harder to make friends – there is less in built socialising than other sports (at least with my club) but everyone is very nice, and I know some people have built friendships from the class – so its very doable.

        As far as making friends, I think any sport that has a team or partner element is better for making friends, and from there its just consistency.

        I’ll also give a random shoutout to rugby, if you have a local club near you and arent afraid of doing a contact sport, chances are extremely high you will make friends instantly. Its very much a sport geared towards fostering group bonds.

    2. Alex*

      There are definitely women who do BJJ! My gym has a whole women’s class. If that’s something you’d be into, look for a place that has a women’s class.

      Other contact sports/martial arts probably would also have a similar vibe. Muay thai, boxing, etc. Of course, post-Covid, if there ever is such a thing.

    4. Be the Change*

      I found a very nice community in Crossfit. Sadly though, it seems to have gone up in smoke when the gym closed due to covid.

    5. Anonymous*

      My husband is a runner and has made new friends wherever we moved for 30+ years by meeting other runners, usually co-ed groups. You might not have to wait until after COVID. He’s currently participating with a Galloway runner’s group that began in the Before Times to help people train for races this fall. The races aren’t going to happen, but some of his group, mostly women, meet by Zoom once a week and are participating in a virtual Route 66 relay, where the miles each member reports running individually move the group down the road from Chicago toward LA.

      Also, our neighborhood has a couple of outdoor bootcamp-type fitness classes meeting socially-distanced at the park, although I don’t know what they’re going to do when the weather turns colder.

      The two places I would check for information on groups are the local running store, and a neighborhood Facebook group.

    6. The teapots are on fire*

      How about hiking? It’s not an exercise class as such but if you’re hiking hills you’ll get some fitness out of it. Post-COVID look at social dancing classes where you switch partners a lot–contra, Scottish Country (lots of touching hands, teamwork; steep learning curve so people tend to want to befriend you after class to encourage you to keep coming back), swing dance. Scottish Country of the three is the most aerobic unless you get REALLY INTO swing dance. All three of these dance communities in places I’ve lived are very welcoming to singles.

    7. Melody Pond*

      What about ballroom dancing, or something similar?

      My mother had a big ballroom dancing fit when I was in high school. She started off taking private lessons through Arthur Murray (which I think is a chain that exists in most of the US?), but they always had weekly “practice parties” on Friday nights where all the instructors and students could get together and just socialize and dance. For the few years she did this, she had a very active social life through her dancing friends – and my mother is otherwise a socially-anxious homebody who would never leave the house.

      1. Not A Girl Boss*

        I’ve thought about ballroom dancing. I suck at “modern” dance but was quite into Irish step dancing as a kid.

        I think what’s hardest for activities like that for me is finding people around my age. Not tons of young people into ballroom dance, lol. I’m 28, married, CFBC. It’s a really weird age bracket. It feels like the majority of people my age range are married with young kids, or single and very into clubbing / dating around. And I just don’t fit neatly into either category.

        1. The teapots are on fire*

          I would suggest looking at swing dance (West Coast or Lindy, whichever’s hot where you are) or contra dance (a little like square dance but a bit more loosey-goosey). Scottish Country skews older. Lots of “dance widows” in swing and contra, women who dance when their spouses don’t, so you won’t be unique.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Seconding contra dance. And damn covid for stopping it just when I was talking my teen into giving it a try with me. (The husband doesn’t like folk. )

    8. RagingADHD*

      I haven’t really done any group classes since Zumba was a hot trend, but it was great and very social. A lot of gyms still offer it.

      If you like social dancing, contra dancing (a folk line dance) is fun for all ages and draws a really interesting, diverse crowd. There are clubs all over the US.

    9. OyHiOh*

      A walk/run group – There are a couple in my community. Pre COVID, they met at a specified place (casual restaurants or coffee shops, depending on the group), people who were walking went one way, runners went a couple different ways depending on milage, and afterwards, they all gathered at the restaurant to eat and chat.

      Also, a ballroom dance class, as someone else suggested. Different teachers will word it differently but basically you want a class where people are not expected to bring a partner, and where the students expect to dance with everyone else in the room rather than just the person they came with. My favorite social dance program expected that everyone learned to lead, and follow, which meant that regularly, girls led boys, and same sex pairs were common (there were always more girls than boys in that club but boys landed with each other often enough). Wonderful friendships grew out of that group, and good exercise too. I personally wouldn’t want to dance in that kind of setting right now but when things are more stable, something to consider.

    10. Might Be Spam*

      I’m no social butterfly, but I’ve been getting to know people all over the world by dancing online. There are a lot of folk dance groups meeting on Zoom right now. Some groups do more teaching than others, and all of the ones that I’ve tried welcome newcomers. I can Zoom folk dance a few times a day, every day of the week if I feel like it. Some groups are starting to use breakout groups to encourage chatting during rest breaks. You don’t have to turn on your camera until you are comfortable with the group.

      You can start by searching for your state or city and “folk dancing” or IFD (international folk dance) or search for “virtual dance calendar” to get more types of dance.

      If you like music, there are music and singalong groups meeting online.

  81. Potatoes gonna potate*

    For those who exercise regularly (whatever your chosen exercise), how long did it typically take to get to the “it’s part of my routine and I feel off if I don’t do it!” phase?

    I’ve had 2x in my life where I exercised A LOT and saw great results but stopped both times due to life changes (first was new job, second was sudden onset pain followed by a close death, depression, stress, health issue, all that fun stuff).

    Gyms are back open. I have free time now and cancelled other subs to afford my gym membership and tbh I’m excited to get back to it.

    I *love* to exercise but it’s a “I hate starting it but I love how I feel” type of feeling. I know when do it, I feel better physically, and my mental/emotional health improves instantly. It’s never been 21 days for me. It’s amazing but there’s such a huge learning curve in getting there.

    1. Not A Girl Boss*

      My mom says “exercising is addictive.. and not exercising is addictive” and it’s so true.
      I, too, dread getting started. The 21 days thing rings pretty true for me. It takes 2 weeks for it to stop totally sucking (build some quantity of cardio capability back up, get over the DOMs) and another week of “meh” before I get to the point where I’m looking forward to my workouts and feel good when they’re done.

    2. Chaordic One*

      21 days sounds like a good average number, but one that is going to vary considerably among different people at different times in their lives. As someone who has stopped and started and stopped and started, there have been times when exercising seemed like a normal part of my routine after only 3 or 4 days, and other times when it took more like a month. For some people, there’s the possibility that exercising regularly will always be a hassle and never seem like a normal part of their routine.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I lie to myself.

      When I resist going to the gym or working out at home, I tell myself that I need to show up for the first ten minutes, but that if it sucks I can stop in the middle. Once I get started, it’s pretty easy to push through any mild resistance. I’ve never stopped after ten minutes. But when that hour-long workout sounds like a horrible idea, I can talk myself into a ten-minute one.

      1. nep*

        This is so true. On days when I just don’t feel like it (but know deep down that I’ll feel MUCH better once I’ve worked out), I go in thinking, let me do just a few minutes…some warm-up moves and see how it goes. Invariably I get into it and I end up having a great workout. Some days I go harder than others, and that’s just how it is.
        Good luck, Potatoes.

    4. cat socks*

      I started WFH back in March. It took a couple of months, but I found having a routine of getting showered and dressed in the morning really helped. I slowly started incorporating exercise into that routine. Now I look for ways to incorporate exercise into my day rather than finding excuses to not do it.

      It was helpful for me to find something I enjoyed doing. I like doing exercise videos at home and use Fitness Blender a lot. I purchased some of their workout programs and I like that I just have to do the chosen video for the day and not have to think about choosing one myself.

    5. TPS reporter*

      I started regularly lifting weights about 6 years ago when I turned 32. I had thought it was too late for me but that was not true! It took me a few months to get into the groove. Having a set schedule really helps. I write down exactly what I plan to do and track what I did. I have certain days for certain types of training and even schedule walking

      1. Flower necklace*

        I actually prefer weightlifting to cardio. I have a set of dumbbells at home, and it’s just 30 minutes three times a week while Netflix or an audiobook is on in the background. Going on a walk, however, requires at least 90 minutes and exposure to the elements.

        I also get a certain amount of satisfaction from being able to carry my cat’s 35 lb bucket of cat litter into my apartment with one hand. I don’t get the same reward from walking, but I try to keep up with it because I know it’s good for my health.

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          I always kind of laugh at weight lifting vs cardio discussions, because when I lift weights I burn 500+ calories and my average HR is 140 / peak 180. So it’s basically just doing both at the same time, which is a big win.

          I do a powerlifting style (squat, deadlift, press). I got my start with Starting Strength (there’s good YouTube videos for form help and an app that tells you what to do, and it’s only 3 days a week), and it makes me feel like such a cool kid to load up the barbell with more than my body weight.

          I do still do some cardio days just for active recovery and heart health. But in general I feel like muscle building is way more bang for the buck. Particularly because the calorie burn keeps going after the exercise is over.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        @TPS reporter, That’s exactly when i started weights too at 32! And I had the same schedule as you.

        I’m 35 now and have bad wrists. Even holding the 10lb baby is painful. I’d love to begin again bc spuds only gonna get heavier.

    6. RagingADHD*

      To get re-started after an interruption, I have to set it up so it’s as frictionless as possible:

      Choose my workout clothes the night before (or sleep in them)

      Shoes or prepacked gym bag by the door. Water bottle already filled.

      Planned time.

      No-brainer workout, either a class, an audio-prompt training app, or a written circuit. If I have to think, I will think my way out of it.

      Having a buddy helps too.

      Basically I have to set everything up where it’s more hassle to skip than it is to do it. Get entropy working in my favor.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I’m the exact same way. Planning is my best friend. But can’t deny that for the last 2-3 years every time I planned to go to the gym, I ended up sleeping in or hitting the mall.

    7. CorgisAndCats*

      Data helps me stay motivated. I have a peloton and I am kind of obsessed with it. One of the features is it tells you how many weeks in a row you have taken classes. At this point I am on a 75 week streak and I don’t want to break it. I know it’s kind of silly since nothing will actually happen but it helps me stick with it, even if some weeks I do really low impact workouts. Obviously, you can track with all sorts of apps so no peloton necessary!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same – for me it’s the red move streak on my Apple Watch. I’m at something like 850 days, so if I muck it up now it’ll take forEVER to get back to this point.

    8. Might Be Spam*

      I’m no social butterfly, but I’ve been getting to know people all over the world by dancing online. There are a lot of folk dance groups meeting on Zoom right now. Some groups do more teaching than others, and all of the ones that I’ve tried welcome newcomers. I can Zoom folk dance a few times a day, every day of the week if I feel like it. Some groups are starting to use breakout groups to encourage chatting during rest breaks. You don’t have to turn on your camera until you are comfortable with the group.

      You can start by searching for your state or city and “folk dancing” or IFD (international folk dance) or search for “virtual dance calendar” to get more types of dance.

      If you like music, there are music and singalong groups meeting online.

    9. pandora366*

      I have enough injuries on my leg so can’t go to gym, but pilates studio had virtual offering and when swimming pools were closed, I ended up doing 3x pilates with unlimited 2 week memberships. Instructor could actually see me making mistakes with Zoom 0_0. Now that pools are open, it is back to swim and pilates, walks to grocery shops and some paddleboarding before weather gets cold.

  82. Sunflower*

    I’m subletting an apt for a few months that has plaster walls. Any suggestions on what to use to hang things/put up a curtain rod? The person I’m subletting from used command strips and it ripped chunks/chips off the wall when she took the items down so very hesitant on that. I’m fine with spakling/doing some reason fix ups when I move out but I’m nervous i can’t find anything that will do the trick!

    1. Not A Girl Boss*

      Tension rods work pretty well. Or command strips in the exact same spot she ruined, lol.

  83. Jenny Says*

    Late to the party, but I need to vent to strangers. I’m a middle aged woman, which apparently means that my Facebook friends need to hawk some MLM diet plan every damn day. It’s lovely to be subjected to low-grade fat shaming and how a 1200 calorie diet will make me healthier. I feel mildly guilty for unfollowing them. But, it prevents me from telling them that the constant barrage of weight loss anecdotes is not as subtle as they might like and that I am not their client, but their friend, so they can kindly F off.

    This is on top of the echo chamber that is now in full effect and how people will defend that echo chamber with every inch of their being, because dissent is wrong. I would argue, if RBG has taught us anything, it’s that dissent is vital to discourse, change, and evolution. But no one wants to hear that.

    2. OyHiOh*

      The bad thing about Facebook is that it’s driven by algorithms, which leads to the echo chamber effect you’re noticing
      The good thing about Facebook is that it’s driven by algorithms, which means you can teach a machine new tricks, if you’ve got time for it, and know which tools to use. The tools have gotten much better over the last 10 years so if you tried something once and it didn’t work well, it’s better now.

      First of all, go to settings and find “see first.” Select the people or pages you would like to give priority to in your feed. This could be the awesome kitten photos page you follow, it could be a sensible friend, your local newspaper, anything. When I set it up, you could select up to twenty people/pages for priority. So do that. It will give you a blast of rationality whenever you open FB

      Next, you can unfollow people. You’ll find the Unfollow option in the same group of setting as “see first.” I use unfollow for people who are behaving unreasonably on FB right now, but are generally good people – a dear, formerly progressive friend who fell down a Qanon rabbithole this summer is currently on unfollow for example – people you don’t really want to unfriend but don’t want to see their nonsense in your feed all the time.

      After that, use the “hide post” option liberally. This is for friends who mostly post pics of their kids and things you want to see, but also once in awhile post something utterly obnoxious. In the upper right corner of a post, there’s three horizontal dots. Click or tap there. You’ll get a bunch of options, one of which is to hide the post. The friend is still a FB friend, the post is still on their timeline, you just don’t have to see it every time you scroll FB. Magic!

      There are a couple other options in that same menu that help make your feed less annoying “snooze MLM Mandy for 30 days” and “hide all from MLM Mandy.” Snooze means you don’t see anything from that page, no matter how often Linda reposts MLM Mandy’s stuff, and hide all means you’ll never see Linda, or anyone else, repost MLM Mandy ever again.

      That part just cleans up your feed. Now teach FB machine learning what you want to see

      Go back to settings. Find the “Ads” section. You may be shocked, horrified, and/or amazed at this section. Click on Your Interests. “Interests” shown here are machine conclusions based on key words you use and types of posts you interact with. Make the interests reflect you. If you just clear it out, the machine learning will decide new interests based again on key words you use and types of posts – so you tell the algorithms what *you* are interested in.

      Next, go to “Ad Settings.” As with interests, you can’t just clear on this section and call it good. Tell FB what kinds of ads you’re interested in seeing. Clean it out, decide what topics you can live with seeing advertized, and select those.

      Now, refresh FB. Then, click on some of the new ads that display. For example, because of where she lives, my sister’s FB was getting very white/conservative in its loops. But then she bought an African History course through a Great Courses ad on FB (she was planning to buy the course, she did it by following FB on purpose, to teach the algorithms) and within twelve hours, the content and ads on her feed changed in a slightly more progressive direction. So she did something like that again, and again the ads and content on her feed shifted.

      Be really aware of what you click reaction icons on. If something conservative and enraging makes you angry, it’s honestly better to skip over it (or type an I Dissent comment) then to use a reaction icon – the FB algorithms see a reaction as a positive response, no matter which one you use. If you can sit on your hands and not react to anything or two or three weeks, almost everything on FB will shift in response to your lack of reactions.

      1. PX*

        Yessss. This is a comment I feel like so many people need to see.

        I left Facebook a while ago, but I use Instagram quite a lot and can definitely tell when the algorithms have picked up on something I’ve liked or interacted with. It can be mildly frustrating, but because I’m aware of it, I am fairly cautious or specific in what I click and make the algorithm work for me.

        These days its mildly creepy but still pretty useful how it knows what kind of restaurants to suggest to me – which means I’ve gotten to try or find out about new places fairly quickly!

        1. Not A Girl Boss*

          I have found instagram to be so much better in general. I now only use Facebook to post pet pictures to keep the grandparents at Bay.

          In general I think instagram is much better tailored toward only seeing positive stuff, and being able to ignore annoying people.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Vaguely related – is there a way to un-mute someone if you’ve done the “hide all posts from Mandy” thing in the past? I muted my coworker’s husband at some point, and now he’s posting (with her tagged) all the everything about their new baby, but since I muted him I don’t see it unless I go straight to her wall.

        1. Anonymous*

          Yes, when you go to her wall and click where it says “friends” or “see friendship” you should find that setting.

    3. Anonymous*

      I just feel so *sad* whenever I see yet another old friend or aquaintance has started MLM-ing.

    4. Skeeder Jones*

      I can totally relate. I am tired of old “friends” coming out of the woodwork, acting all, hey how are you how have you been, hope you are well, are you interested in joining my business or buying my product. I see you there, I know you don’t give a crap about me so NO I AM NOT INTERESTED

    5. Pamela Adams*

      I am currently off Facebook. I can catch up on pictures of my nieces later, but for now, it is much more peaceful to abstain.

  84. Anxious cat servant*

    Finding homes for our foster cats.

    Back in early June we found a mamma cat and her 4 kittens in our partially-flooded church basement. We called the local animal shelter and they wouldn’t take kittens younger than 8 weeks and couldn’t help beyond loaning us a trap to catch mamma (who wasn’t feral but also wasn’t about to let us scoop her up at that point. Then we tried every cat rescue group within 60 miles and only got answering machines. The few who called us back only told us they couldn’t help as they were overwhelmed.

    So we brought the family home and have been fostering them since. Two have bonded with our existing two cats and we’ll happily keep them but we CANNOT keep all five. They’re wonderful cats but there’s simply too many of them. The food and litter bill alone is straining our budget, the chaos of four kittens + another adult cat is stressing out my two, and I honestly don’t know how we’re going to cover 3 spays + 1 neuter this month. There’s no free clinics near us and our vet is great but he’s not running a charity and has his own bills to pay.

    We’re trying to find forever homes but so far everyone is at cat capacity themselves or sees cats as more disposable than I’m comfortable with.

    For those who’ve been here, how did you find forever homes when you couldn’t get any rescues’ help? We’ve posted on Adopt-A-Pet bet haven’t gotten a single nibble.

    Btw, if anyone in the DFW area is looking for an independent tortoiseshell or sweet tabby …

    2. anon 4 this*

      Love Meow features cat rescue stories and puts the word out about kitties needing forever homes in specific areas! Maybe you could submit a post to them?

      1. Anxious Cat Servant*

        Thank you, I hadn’t found them previously and they look like a possible lead to good homes!

    3. Emma Woodehouse*

      I successfully got a mom cat and her two kittens adopted out (to 3 different homes) by searching for ‘cat adoption‘ or something similar in the search bar on Facebook and joining the private groups that popped up. I also couldn’t find a rescue to take them and Adopt-A-Pet didn’t work. I was surprised how easy it was and what great adopters I found. Good picture and video made all the difference if that helps!

    4. Cat and dog fosterer*

      Your options really depend on your city and neighborhood, but I’ll tell you what I tell others in my city. Where I live, rescues are typically full of adoptable kittens this time of year, but with the pandemic the adoptions are really high. Rescues have little money as they can’t fundraise very much with pet stores closed, so they are taking in very few cats or kittens.

      So in my city there are a lot of people who want to adopt *this year in particular*, but rescues often can’t help.

      Do you have a facebook account or know someone who does? Write up a description and ask everyone you know to share it. Have photos! I would prefer not to include any human faces, but if you can show the cat and kittens being pet or held, to prove friendliness, then this seems to help. A good quality photo with the kitten looking directly at the camera helps them look friendly and engaging. You might tell people that they can adopt for $X which includes the spay/neuter at your vet, so that way you get their commitment by having them spend money (a study years ago showed that the best way to ensure people treated their adopted pets well was to have them pay at least $50 as an adoption fee). They could pay your vet directly maybe, so that you get the commitment and they don’t worry about being scammed (a problem these days).

      Is there a lost-and-found facebook group or some other social media? Post on there saying that you found the family and are looking for help from rescues or adopters. In my city I have been impressed by how many people have helped out when someone asked for help in the group. I feel badly as I was the one who suggested they use the group as many rescues are full, whereas I wish that we had the resources to help them, but in the end my suggestion helped the cats and kittens – people here are helping.

      Ask rescues if they can do a courtesy post for you, so they don’t offer any funds or resources but they have a big audience who might want to adopt yours. They rarely do this here, but it’s reasonable to ask, although if you have limited energy then it’s probably not worth your time. Is there a big shelter or pet food bank? Ask them if they have extra food or litter. Ours are giving away supplies to people who are in need.

      Rescues intake and adopt all the time, and while they might be full now this will change. Reach out to them every few weeks or month, and definitely include photos. You don’t want to seem obnoxious, but if you send a kind note and are persistent then your chances with a rescue here would improve as we get piles of requests and one way to notice a specific one is **photos** but also someone sounding kind and being persistent. Rescues say no all the time but it gets harder when we see the cat, and if we have to do it repeatedly to the same person. Mention that you plan to keep two but the financial burden is impossible with more, to make it clear that you are committed but you have no good options.

      I hope this helps you. I really wish you a lot of luck.

    5. Brightwanderer*

      Have you considered doing a gofundme or similar for the spay/neuter? I would be happy to contribute what I can!

    6. MechanicalPencil*

      In your area, check out the Spay Neuter Network. If you live within certain zip codes, I believe you’re eligible for either free or low cost spays/neuters.

    7. MechanicalPencil*

      Also, Operation Kindness and the SPCA of Texas has a pet food resources. I can’t remember the specific hours that they’re open, but you may be able to find resources there.

  85. Jean (just Jean)*

    Oy! So frustrating when you find yourself living out the expression that “no good deed goes unpunished.” Can you expand your search beyond your immediate geographic area? A friend of mine has adopted two dogs from several states away. Some of the rescue organizations have networks that span hundreds of miles from the states of origin (of the adoptees) to the states with adopters.
    Felines & Canines in Chicagoland (with a new center in Alabama) is a no-kill center. Alley Cat Allies in Bethesda, MD (near Washington, DC) discusses on their web the Feral Friends Network. Looks like a nationwide (in U.S.) network of resources for people interested in saving the lives of cats, whether they go on adoptive homes or remain (spayed/neutered) feral cats.
    There must be other such organizations, but I’m out of time for web searching at present.
    I can’t adopt myself because of severe cat allergies.
    Can you neuter the male this month and spread out the spays over the next few months? You may have to endure kitties in heat but at least the resident male won’t be able to make any more. Or can you post a GoFundMe request for help with the fixing?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Adding I think our county has a program for getting ferals neutered/spayed. Or it could be some vets do it because it’s the right thing to do. Check around. If you board your pets nearby, that boarder may know who in your area does this. Or your vet may know of a program to help financially. If you ask on a neighborhood forum (if available) someone might answer you.

    2. Anxious Cat Servant*

      Thank you, I’ll look into those larger options! I’m hesitant about finding a forever family too far outside our area simply because I don’t know how I’d get the cat(s) to them right now but weighing a trip during a pandemic against another four months with seven cats …

  86. Germank106*

    I just finished “The Evening and the Morning”. It’s the fourth book in the Kingsbridge series by Ken Follet. If you are into historical novels go and take a look at these. The Evening and the Morning is not a sequel to the series, it’s a prequel.
    Now I have to wait clear until March until Edward Rutherfurds new Book comes out. Unless it gets delayed again, it was supposed to come out in November of 2019.

  87. Jean (just Jean)*

    Some rescue organizations may be able to fly the animals to their destination city. A friend of mine ended up driving half-way to the regional airport while another volunteer drove “the other half” from the airport to their agreed-upon meeting at a highway rest stop (the kind with restaurants, a gas station, and lots of people, not the kind with nothing but a rest room and some maps in display racks).
    Or maybe there’s no air travel involved and you and another volunteer agree to meet at a mutually suitable public, busy location. Good luck.

Comments are closed.