update: my employee accidentally posted porn to the company group chat and now wants to resign in shame

by Alison Green on December 8, 2020

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

We have so many updates this year that I’m going to be posting six to seven times a day for the next several weeks — so keep checking back throughout the entire day.

Remember the letter-writer whose employee accidentally posted porn to the company group chat and wanted to resign in shame? Here’s the update.

My employee chose to resign after her PTO was up—mailed in her laptop and sent a short goodbye email to the team. I promised to give her a positive reference based on what I knew of her actual work (which was always, always excellent) and without mentioning this incident. She hasn’t taken me up on that, though, so I don’t know if she has secured a new job yet. I can’t imagine it’s been easy to search for jobs given the pandemic, but she has a LOT of hard skills/practical experience so I’m hopeful. As for my team, I used some of the script from you + the commenters (technology can get the best of any of us, this was a mistake and the offending content was removed immediately, it’s a shame that she’s leaving and all the best to her, let’s move on.) I was hopeful that everyone would latch onto the polite fiction that it was an innocent mistake and an unfortunate computer virus-y (ha!) mixup, and that everyone would at least pretend to forget.

Unfortunately, that isn’t what happened. I didn’t mention this in my original letter, but looking back this was extremely relevant. The video in question could be considered controversial. Not illegal, but…controversial. I don’t know a better way to put it without going into detail. It’s not offensive to me, so it didn’t even occur to me at the time to think of the specific content as a big deal (I just saw it as an embarrassing niche fetish, fetishes are weird, etc.), and HR didn’t give me the impression that they wanted to make a big deal out of it either, so I just thought that was that. I thought others would see it the same way.

Instead, I learned that was not the case since this whole topic came up again last week. We were sharing a deck that she created, and a person from another team asked, “Oooh, isn’t she the one who posted the porn video to the announcements room?” Immediately several people spoke up and started talking over each other. So it was only then I found out that while some of my employees felt the same way I did (i.e. sympathetic to her embarrassment and very defensive of her), others were extremely upset and disturbed. There was no middle ground. The ones who were upset told me that they would have felt uncomfortable working with her after seeing her post, and while apparently none of them wanted to say anything to me at the time, I gather that they’re relieved she quit of her own volition.

I knew it would be asking too much for everyone to completely erase this incident from their minds, but I wish I had realized at the time that some of my employees considered the content to be that disturbing. If I had realized that (stupidly obvious in retrospect), I could have perhaps adjusted my language to them after the obscene post/after she quit. I wonder if some people were upset at my relatively nonchalant reaction to the whole situation, though I’m not sure how/if I could have handled it better. I’m not going to reopen the topic now, though, since it’s been months at this point and it seems that everyone is eager to drop the subject and completely move on. At the very least, I finally understand why she felt she couldn’t face us again, to the point of quitting. Knowing all of this just makes me feel all the more awful for her.

I recall that some commenters were questioning whether or not this was actually unintentional. I do believe it was truly an accident—given what I knew of her, I don’t think she’d intentionally subject other people to this content/want to sexually harass anyone. She was always so kind. The way she apologized and resigned, to me, confirms all of this after the fact.

Anyways, this was a difficult situation all around. If it’s okay, I’d like to urge your readers to always, always, ALWAYS double-check when…well, when doing anything, but especially when sharing anything NSFW. Or to think twice about installing company apps on their phones if they don’t have to. Or to petition for these kinds of sites to remove the sharing option altogether, I suppose.

Thank you again for answering my question. Even though I couldn’t change the outcome, I hope I was able to show her some compassion in a humiliating situation.

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{ 337 comments }

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  1. Crivens!*

    That poor employee. As long as it’s ethical, porn use and fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of, but it’s hard to overcome the shame society instills in all of us, and people gossiping about it couldn’t have helped. I’m glad some people were protective of her but still. I hope she find something soon!

    2. NerdyKris*

      I can think of a few things that if viewed by a certain type of person would raise some questions about them. The mildest would be racist stereotypes, and then some stuff on the extreme fringes that Alison probably wouldn’t want discussed here, but would make people worried.

      1. Diahann Carroll*

        The mildest would be racist stereotypes,

        Yeah, this would be incredibly problematic and would make me side-eye her, not gonna lie.

      2. Jennifer*

        Or something involving violence, or people that may be of age but look a lot younger, there’s a lot of disturbing stuff out there.

        1. JM60*

          Or something involving violence

          Perhaps. However, I’m sure there are lots of violent fetishes that can be expressed with enthusiastic consent of all involved. It’s my understanding that most involved in the BDSM community highly stress consent, while being pro many fetishes that others would find extreme/disturbing. So I think it may be unfair to judge someone for a fetish they’re into, solely because that fetish is violent. (of course, that doesn’t mean people won’t judge or feel uncomfortable around her)

          2. Quill*

            Yeah, I assumed that BDSM would be the thing that weirded some people out that far but that other people just shrugged at.

          3. PVR*

            Although it would be also understandable if that fetish triggered feelings for some people, especially if they had ever experienced sexual violence in some way. There’s a difference between understanding that consenting adults may participate in BDSM that appears and actually viewing it. I don’t know that it’s quite the same as judging someone for a fetish, but I can see how viewing something like that might make someone very uncomfortable depending on their past.

            1. JM60*

              Viewing certain types of porn can be triggering to many people. However, it wasn’t the viewing I was addressing; it was the mere knowledge that someone is into it. So many seem to unfairly judge others for being into certain fetishes.

              1. Llamagoose*

                But…viewing is what happened. To say “don’t judge her for enjoying consensual violence” seems to significantly downplay what she actually did–that is, shove (presumably) violent content in people’s faces *without* their consent.

                People will sometimes reply in this situation, “But it was an accident! She didn’t *intend* to force people to view violent content that she personally enjoys.”

                The thing is, good intentions don’t undo the effects of harmful actions. If she didn’t resign, how could she possibly work to undo the harm that she did?

                If someone accidentally kills someone, unintentionally, because they’re texting while driving, don’t see the stoplight change, and they hit someone in the crosswalk: the person they hit is still dead.

                Putting a person in a sexual context without their consent is psychologically harmful. Full stop.

                If the sexual context reveals that someone takes sincere pleasure in other people’s pain or degradation, that makes the likelihood of harm even higher to the non-consenting coworkers even higher.

                Now, what happened is: a person, for reasons of their own pleasure and their own negligence, put coworkers in a sexual situation non-consensually and without any forewarning. She then resigned.

                While I can’t speak for others, if she were my coworker, and if she had not resigned after the incident, I would prioritize self-protection. I would go to HR, and if I could not reach an agreement that could reasonably prevent further future sexual harassment, I would seriously contemplate a lawsuit.

                I would definitely resign myself, and try if at all possible, to recoup any damages to my own mind and to my income for leaving such a dangerous workplace abruptly.

                It’s frankly…kind of awful to read everyone defending someone who sexually harrassed all of her coworkers just because “it was an accident.” Why so little compassion for the people who were harassed? In their shoes, I’d be relieved she’s gone too.

                I don’t judge people for actions that don’t affect others. But I will always seek to stand up for myself and protect myself from people who carelessly put my in harm’s way.

                1. JM60*

                  The thing is, good intentions don’t undo the effects of harmful actions.

                  Sure, the mere fact that something was accidental doesn’t mean it didn’t cause harm, but that’s NOT what my comments in this comment tree are about. So I think you’re talking past me. I feel like you’re strawmanning me, while painting me as unsympathetic person who is lacking in empathy.

                  As for what my comments actually are about, they were in response to particular comments:

                  NerdyKris:

                  I can think of a few things that if viewed by a certain type of person would raise some questions about them.

                  followed by Jennifer:

                  Or something involving violence, or people that may be of age but look a lot younger, there’s a lot of disturbing stuff out there.

                  I was responding to the idea that a person’s fetishes are a good way to judge them, or at least “raise some questions about them.” While it may be fair for some types of fetishes in some scenarios, this is often unfair. For instance, for people who are into consensually binding and ‘torturing’ their partner (in a way their partner enjoys), it may be unfair to jump to the conclusion that they are at high risk of committing violent kidnappings.

                  The fact that unintentional acts can still cause harm has relevance to this general letter, but it’s a (mostly) separate issue from the particular point I was making (in this tree) to particular comments. While I do think think the likely accidental nature of the porn posting has some relevance (there are good reasons why manslaughter comes with much lower jail sentences than murder), that’s not what my comments in this tree are about, nor is it my position that the accident was therefore harmless.

                  I made a comment in another tree that I think people’s own feelings and experiences are coloring how they interpret comments here. I could be wrong, and your post seems in line with that.

                  —

                  Aside from my point in this tree, I do want to add that I haven’t been a direct victim of sexual abuse or harassment, but I do want to make sure I’m listening to those who were. So please feel free to let me know how I can be a better listener (if you see this before comments close). But please, try to make sure that you’re not strawmanning me.

          4. KarbonKopy*

            There are multiple reason why people feel uncomfortable with sexualized violence. I personally feel uncomfortable that most (not all, but most) BDSM media involves male-on-female violence in a broader culture with very high rates of misogynist rape, domestic violence, harassment etc. There’s plenty of people who consider it inherently immoral to eroticize violence. There are people with religious objections or even just a gut-level discomfort. Whether it’s unfair to judge is based on one’s personal moral framework and stomach for violence, I don’t think Jennifer said anything wrong by calling BDSM as “disturbing stuff”, that’s her personal values.

            1. JM60*

              There’s a lot here that would take time to unpack about the ethics of certain types of porn, as that can be a topic that requires a lot of time to discuss the nuances of. However, I want to point out that there’s a huge difference between being uncomfortable and being judgmental. Discomfort is a sensation/emotion, whereas judging is the behavior of passing some kind of verdict on someone or something. My comment was talking about the latter, not the former.

              I also want to point out that all genuine moral judgements are ultimately based on personal values. This includes anything from “slavery is okay” to “everyone is born equal”. So the mere fact that something is based on personal values is not itself an indicator of whether it’s right or wrong. (I say this as a gay man. Many people believe – based on their personal values – that I deserve to be tortured for all eternity for being gay.)

            2. Llamagoose*

              +1

              There is just zero comparison between fetishizing something strange but harmless (like, I dunno, balloons or something) and fetishizing (taking actual pleasure in) other people’s harm, pain, and degradation.

              I really wonder what happens to people’s empathy watching violence against women “for fun.” Why do people who seem decently kind in one context suddenly switch it off: not only refuse to empathize with people being subject to hateful humiliation but *enjoy* it?

              I just don’t believe anyone successfully compartmentalizes the choice to turn away from empathy and kindness. I think people rationalize a lot, but if they look objectively at their actions, their pleasure in others’ degradation or pain bleeds over into other areas of their lives beyond sex.

              They inevitably treat others worse. Not in enacting violence, but in treating people they see as beneath them (i.e. women, usually) with contempt and disdain, and even aggression. Then in blaming others for weakness for not being able to “handle” their hostility, rather than changing their behavior to reflect the kindness or empathy they pay lip service to.

              I mean, ask me how I know. (It’s first-hand experience).

              1. JM60*

                I really wonder what happens to people’s empathy watching violence against women “for fun.” Why do people who seem decently kind in one context suddenly switch it off: not only refuse to empathize with people being subject to hateful humiliation but *enjoy* it?

                This very much depends on the specifics of the situation, but I think many violent fetishes can be enjoyed without turning off empathy (if everyone involved is a consenting adult who is enjoying it). I’m sure there are exceptions, but as a rule, I don’t think a violent fetishes necessarily require a lack of empathy to enjoy if everyone involved is enthusiastically consenting. If those indulging actually value consent, I don’t see why it would be farfetched that they can also be empathetic in other contexts, since no compartmentalizing (empathy vs non-empathy) would be required for the fetish.

                (That being said, a person can of course be into violent fetishes and not value consent/their partner’s enjoyment. But I think many fetishes that some would find alarming don’t necessitate that.)

              2. Not Actually A Monster*

                Some very sweeping generalisations here. You may well have encountered abusive people who fit the pattern you describe, but that doesn’t justify tarring an entire class of people with the same brush.

                This isn’t the place for in-depth discussion of the psychology of BDSM, but the way you suppose it to be doesn’t bear a lot of resemblance to what I’ve seen and experienced of it. There is no “choice to turn away from empathy and kindness”; if anything, there is *more* attention paid to the well-being and happiness of one’s partner.

                There’s been a fair bit of research done into the psychological profiles of BDSM practitioners and overall findings are: not much different to anybody else. Here’s a recent example which is fairly typical of the studies I’ve seen: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/236913615_Psychological_Characteristics_of_BDSM_Practitioners

          5. LGC*

            (of course, that doesn’t mean people won’t judge or feel uncomfortable around her)

            True – even in the BDSM (and larger kink) community writ large, isn’t the guiding principle SSC (safe, sane, and consensual)? It’s not just that the parties have to agree to the scene (which you touched on), it should also not put the participants at too much risk of harm and be somewhat reasonable? (Both of which kind of overlap.) Because this is a work site, I’m going to spare details, but I can definitely imagine a few things that could be consensual while NOT being safe or sane.

            1. Bop Girl Goes Calypso*

              There’s SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Because some people are into dangerous stuff, and are unwilling to forgo their interests in order to play “safe”, but still agree that it’s critically important that everyone involved fully consents and also understands the inherent risks.

              I can absolutely understand why certain aspects of certain kinks make some people deeply uncomfortable — that happens even within the scene. As a rule it’s considered poor form to tell someone YKINOK (Your Kink Is Not OK), but plenty of us are disturbed by even some relatively common kinks.

              I’d also have resigned in LW’s employee’s situation, even though I’m not at all ashamed of what I’m into. It’s not necessarily about the employee feeling shame; they are most likely horrified that they violated the consent of others, and rightly concerned about how colleagues learning about her fetishes could affect the way they view her as a person, which could colour all their interactions going forward. Years ago I worked in a department at a prominent high-tech company in which there were several openly kinky folks who would talk about what they got up to at the BDSM club over the weekend and display mildly fetishy stuff in their cubicles. I never let on that to me their boasts sounded like amateur hour, because I wasn’t about to risk my working relationships for kink cred.

              Yes, I am a proponent of RACK, why do you ask?

      3. Not A Girl Boss*

        That’s where my mind went – that her fetish necessarily coincides with discriminatory beliefs. Which probably requires letting the person go and a firmly worded message to the team.

        But if its just that they’d feel uncomfortable around her because of what her particular fetish says about *her* (rather than her beliefs about her coworkers) the coworkers should let it go, let it gooooooo.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Something as common in pop culture as “Fifty Shades of Grey” may be extremely offensive and disturbing to others.
        I think speculation here is counter-productive since OP says they don’t want to discuss it.

    3. The New Normal*

      Agree! I feel so bad that her name is now associated as “the one who posted porn in announcements”.

    4. MsClaw*

      I feel terrible for the employee but it probably is best for her that she’s moved on. It’s entirely understandable that people might be very upset about whatever was in the video. In theory, yeah, whatever floats your boat. But there are any number of things that frankly torpedo my boat, and being forcibly exposed to them could be mildly off putting or deeply upsetting depending on what was in the video. And realistically it would be really hard to forget that Brenda in accounting is into something that upsets you.

      1. ...*

        I agree. Best wishes to the employee and it sounds like she truly did it accidently but moving on seems like the only option. A good reminder to everyone to NOT look at NSFW content on devices that you access For Work content on.

        1. Managamber*

          That’s all my devices, unfortunately. My company doesn’t provide separate computers/phones during our new WFH structure.

          1. Evan Þ.*

            If you want to be really sure, maybe you can set up separate logins on your device? Or at least use separate browsers?

            1. Robbie*

              Chrome’s Incognito Mode is one’s greatest friend in that situation. Both a separate browser, and it means that you aren’t logged into your accounts automatically just in case.

              1. Anonforthis*

                Incognito mode can’t save you from chrome remembering what urls you’ve typed into the address bar – even ACROSS DIFFERENT COMPUTERS if you’ve signed into the browser itself with the same google account – and auto-suggesting them while you’re on a screenshare. (Don’t ask how I know.)

                FWIW – The lesson aside from clearing history/using different computers is also to have a work-specific google account you use to sign into chrome on your work computer so bookmarks and history aren’t synced across.

          2. Tammy*

            An option if you’re sufficiently techie would be to install a Virtual Machine on your computer to segregate your NSFW activities into an isolated environment where it’s harder to make this kind of mistake. A google search for “how to install a linux virtual machine for safe web browsing” brings up some good tutorials, and the virtualization software is inexpensive (VMware, Parallels) or free (VirtualBox).

            1. life is a hypothetical*

              Every major OS allows multiple users to be defined on a system. Create a work profile user and a personal profile user and sign in accordingly. Color code the difference to make it immediately obvious which profile you are on – light mode & green background for work, dark mode & violet background for personal, etc.

          4. OhNo*

            That’s definitely an unfortunate downside of all this work-from-home time. I’ve been managing it so far by using one browser for work and one browser for personal stuff, but even that’s not a perfect fix.

            1. Amaranth*

              If its not processor-intensive, you can often find a cheap tablet to run off wi-fi and totally isolate personal browsing. My old provider gave me a tablet for about $50 when I signed it up for $10/mo on our family plan.

      2. MissGirl*

        Yep, I’m all about to each their own over consenting things but I also do not want to see disturbing content in my work feed. My brain holds on to images for a really long time. I can get vivid nightmares for a few weeks from a single Walking Dead commercial. Obviously I don’t know the content but if others are finding it disturbing, I think leaving on good terms was her best option.

        1. Diahann Carroll*

          If only because the people who were upset by it would have snubbed her and made the workplace atmosphere awkward as hell.

          1. MissGirl*

            I would work hard to treat her professionally but every time I worked with her those images would be in my head. Putting myself in her shoes, a fresh start seems like the best option.

        2. Bridget*

          Same! It’s like anytime I hear something or see something upsetting, my brain thinks, “Oh let’s hold onto this story/image for a very long time!” and if I were one of her co-workers, my brain would absolutely recall the memory of the video every time I saw her. And if the video was particularly upsetting to me (for example, some of the footage shown in the documentary “Hot Girls Wanted” on Netflix, and that footage probably isn’t even considered explicit!) I’d avoid her as much as possible.

      3. Richard Hershberger*

        There are two groups here: the ones this upsets, and the ones that find this by far the most interesting thing about her. Moving on is likely the best response to both.

    5. AnonymousPoster*

      Yeah, it’s easy to forget if you have mostly sex positive social circles, but there’s still a lot of stigma around BDSM and other kinks and fetishes in many circles. I have a friend who is a liberal young woman who said she would be disturbed by the ida of having a professor or coworker who was into BDSM, even if they never even mentioned it to students/coworkers and kept their professional and dating lives completely separate.

      1. Someone*

        Yeah I mean if I am honest, and someone up top touched on this a little bit, I would be put off by someone if I found they were into watching any kind of porn meant to be demeaning – particularly if its meant to be demeaning to groups of people who less power in our society.

      2. allathian*

        Yeah, this. If you’re into BDSM, I definitely don’t want to know. Some things are best kept in the private sphere.

      1. Anono-nono-nonymous*

        I believe OP is referring to “ethically produced” adult content, which is absolutely a thing, if hard to determine at the point of consumption unless you know how to vet things. It basically means the production company has their ducks in a row, no one is being coerced, everything is consensual, no one is lying about their age, etc.

        1. Crivens!*

          Yes, exactly! We can get into debates about which fetishes have unethical leanings in their very content but what I meant was “ethically produced”.

          1. TechWorker*

            Tbh I would be extremely surprised if you can tell whether porn is ‘ethically produced’ from a few seconds snippet.

            1. Grapey*

              Those that do care tend to research production companies ahead of time instead of browsing popular clip aggregators. It’s like saying “I’d be surprised if you can tell if this shirt is ethically produced” shopping at TJMaxx vs specifically seeking out local creators.

      2. boop the first*

        Yeah, I’m wondering at this point if it WASN’T ethical, since the only bar it needed to reach for OP was that it wasn’t illegal.

        1. HoHumDrum*

          I don’t think LW was saying that as long as it’s not illegal = totally chill and fine, I think she was just adding a clarifying aside because she knew that people in the comments would be speculating (as we are).

    7. Mr. Jingles*

      Sadly there are people who define ‚ethical‘ so strictly it’s hard to meet their idea of it.
      I had to endure discussions about me asking my husband if it was ok for me to go out before agreeing to it.
      I do that because for my opinion that’s what people in relationships should do and he asks me too before agreeing to invitations.
      But there are soooo many women who see that as ‚submission‘ and behave as if I was a shy little housewife who does nothing without her husband’s permission.
      I don’t want to know how many people out there consider everything above vanilla-sex as ‚unethical‘.
      I know enough who already cringe at french-style or 69.

      1. Bagpuss*

        It may be how you are phrasing it that leads to that assumption, if you use that wording. To me, if someone said they needed to ask their partner if it was OK to go out I would raise an eyebrow as it does imply the partner is controlling (regardless of gender) or that they get to make that decision for you.
        Whereas you say “I’ll need to check with SO” or even just “I’ll need to check my calendar” then it’s less likely to give that impression as it seems more like you’re checking that there isn’t a joint commitment you may have forgotten, or something they have planned that you haven’t put in it your diary yet, and it feels more like you are checking with them as a courtesy rather than needing their permission.

        1. tamarack and fireweed*

          Yabbut… what level of precision in everyday casual conversations are you expecting? For practical purposes “I’ll ask my wife if it’s ok”, in my life, means exactly the same as “I’ll check with my wife if we’ve anything planned” or “I’ll run this by my wife to synch up our plans”. This is because asking for permission isn’t even on the radar.

          Sure, if it’s someone I don’t know yet, I might be alert to keep my mind open about potentially abusive situations where I could be usefully lend a helping hand. But once I have actual insight into how colleagues or friends function in their lives there is no reason to even thinking of policing other people’s choice of words. We’re not writing legal briefs or scientific papers here.

          If someone raises an eyebrow about my choice of words I’d make a joke out of it (“because of course I cannot go out without asking for permission, NOT”) but I’d think the policing was overbearing and obnoxious.

          1. mppgh*

            I very much agree, but would argue that there is no reason to ever police someone’s personal life at work, unless it is interfering with their work and then that’s a supervisory issue. I would never dream of approaching a co-worker that I didn’t know well about a presumed life situation, even out of concern. It is so easy to jump to incorrect conclusions. I am generally pretty private though unless I have lots of trust in the person. So, I would be taken aback by speculation about my personal life by a co-worker. I am not trying to be difficult but just pointing out another perspective!

        2. mppgh*

          If someone is making assumptions based on imprecise phrasing, that’s on them. I am always about giving people the benefit of the doubt though. I don’t pass judgment unless they give me a strong reason to and even then I generally keep that judgment to myself. I am good at seeing nuance in most situations and at compartmentalizing. (Unless you have personally wronged me or a member of my family…then all bets are off.)

        1. Slutty Toes*

          “French-style” is an extremely dated term for fellatio, although I’m not sure if it might refer to something else too.

      3. ...*

        It doesn’t matter if its ethically product, vanilla or not, its not appropriate to display porn links or any type of porn in the workplace. These responses are really something else! The people who aren’t ok with with niche kink porn being posted to work chats are just “too prude” to get it!?

        1. Fushi*

          No one is saying “yaaaaaay let’s post porn to the work chat”? I’m not sure what comments you’re reading.

          Obviously this was an upsetting incident for everyone and something to be avoided by taking as many precautions as possible. That this person should have to shame-quit because the very knowledge that she’s into a porn thing is so upsetting to her coworkers does potentially say something about society’s attitude towards sex, however. (Though as other comments have pointed out we can’t really know for sure without knowing if the video was racist or something along those lines as opposed to just an unusual fetish.)

    8. pleaset cheap rolls*

      Porn involving racist stereotypes can be ethically produced and yet make reasonable people feel disturbed by its fans.

        1. PollyQ*

          Which may not be your ball of wax, but there are plenty of people who are into that as a kink without it guiding the rest of their lives.

          1. LTL*

            ^This.

            People have some wild kinks. It’s strange that you would assume anything about anyone based on their fetishes.

          2. Scarlet2*

            Sure, but inadvertently having to see porn that relies on humiliation or degradation can be triggering (or at least very disturbing) to quite a few people.

            And I don’t think Someone was referring specifically to BDSM, but rather to the routine degradation of women which is shown in a lot of “mainstream” porn. I’ve seen awful scenes of abuse in allegedly “vanilla” porn, while I’m totally fine with BDSM scenes that are staged as role play. It’s just not the same thing.

          3. Amaranth*

            I got the impression OP is fairly aware and chill so long as its safe, sane, consensual, so I’m going by their metric here that it wasn’t something that would send up red flags. The fact some of the employees were disturbed doesn’t mean it was racist or apparently illegal, just that some of the coworkers found the kink unappealing or disturbing. Or any kink disturbing. If its legal and doesn’t impact work, its just not my business. I’m honestly more likely to (secretly!) judge people over politics.

          4. Booboo*

            Really? So if you were a black woman, and you found out a white co-worker masturbated to porn of black women being racially abused, you’d be 100% happy with that and it wouldn’t remotely impact your relationship with that person? You’d have zero concern that the person might hold at least some form of subconscious racial bias?

      2. Chinook*

        And it isn’t just racial stereotypes. There is also porn out their that uses cultural/religious stereotypes (I have heard of porn of people dressed as priests or nuns and that would be enough for me to quit on the spot as it is a huge flag of what that person may think of my religion) as well as reflects issues in the media that are offensive (think the #metoo movement, which could be traumatic to a victim).

        Basically, one person’s fetish is someone’ else’s trigger or insult.

    9. Forrest*

      The conversation about whether the porn was ethically produced and whether it’s ok to enjoy fetishes like race fetishes, ageplay, humiliation etc seems really irrelevant since the people who saw the porn had no option to consent or not. I get that it was a mistake by the OP, but you don’t respect people’s preferences or consent by arguing that they *shouldn’t* have been upset by it. Tons of kinks and fetishes and kinks are alarming to people who aren’t into them: for a lot of them, that’s kind of the point. People are allowed to have a alarmed and upset reaction to seeing something overtly sexual, violent, disgusting or offensive content when they’re not expecting it and haven’t consented to it, regardless of how ethically it’s made!

      3. I need tea*

        Yes, this – and the people who might be alarmed or upset at seeing that content when they haven’t consented to seeing porn, and/or porn with x content, could even be the same people who are super into porn with x content when it’s something they choose to engage with. There’s a big difference between watching a video that includes x kink when you choose to and suddenly being exposed to it when you’re at work, when you’re in a headspace appropriate for work, and not expecting to come across sexual content.

        I have a lot of sympathy for the employee – this is a worst nightmare kind of scenario – but unfortunately other coworkers were exposed to content they didn’t consent to, and they’re allowed to have whatever feelings they have about that. Context matters.

      5. LTL*

        I don’t think anyone’s arguing that people shouldn’t be upset at seeing something they find disturbing. The question is whether knowing the employee’s into that kind of thing would color how someone saw their coworker. It’s sad that in some instances the answer is yes which is and that the employee had to resign for that reason.

        1. Roci*

          I mean. I don’t think it’s weird or sad that knowing people’s deepest intimate desires and secrets, especially if they transgress social norms, colors how you see a person. Learning more about someone shapes your understanding of them, especially if what you learn is very intimate and very socially controversial.

  2. Tati*

    I feel for your former employee. I hope she finds work and can move on from this. While it wouldn’t be a big deal to me personally, I can understand why some people would feel disturbed by exposure to porn- regardless of the themes involved.

    1. Diahann Carroll*

      Especially since it sounds like the people who were offended were people who didn’t work directly with the employee. They don’t have the same context OP does about her character and what she was like to work with on a day-to-day basis – they just know her as the woman who posted porn to a company group chat.

    2. Annony*

      Yes. Definitely try not to think of the people who are upset as close minded or discriminatory. They were involved in something sexual without their consent. They are not necessarily trying to shame her but rather feeling sexually harassed.

    3. allathian*

      Many people, even those who consume porn themselves, would be mortified to be exposed to it at work.

    1. Grace*

      Yeah, seriously wondering what fetish is simultaneously “niche but not a big deal overall” to some and “so bad I wouldn’t want to work with them afterwards” to others. There’s obviously some controversial fetishes out there, but I feel like if they’re generally considered controversial most people will fall on one side?

      1. Not playing your game anymore*

        We once had a student worker who painted his nails black and claimed to be a druid. One of our staff was so bothered by this that we moved the student to a different area, our kind, hardworking, staff person just couldn’t deal. Some things just hit some people badly. I honestly don’t know if it was the nails or the druid part or the combo of the two…

        1. Keymaster of Gozer*

          That person would have a field day with me!

          (I was married in a Druid ceremony, frequently paint my nails black and occasionally rock up in gothic dresses when I want to. Corporate Goth I call it! :) )

        2. Hei Hei, the Chicken from Moana*

          Maybe they had relatives who disappeared in the woods…

          I’ll show myself out.

          1. Please Vote*

            Please do there’s no need to foster negative, Christian-centric incorrect assumptions about Druidism

        3. Please Vote*

          Why did you move someone who was doing nothing wrong and hurting no one to appease the harmful bigotry of someone else?

          1. a username*

            I’d move a student worker in heartbeat away from a situation that might expose them to bigotry against them. Students are often at workstations much easier moved than long-time staff, and why should that student have to endure unearned negativity towards them just for me to feel like I’m proving a point.

            1. Temperance*

              Why should someone get to discriminate against another person for their religious beliefs with no negative impacts?

              1. Black Horse Dancing*

                This. The worker should have been counseled and disciplined if needed. The student worker did nothing wrong.

        4. HoHumDrum*

          Oh I can imagine that very easily. In a lot of conservative christian circles anything remotely pagan/new age/etc is considered a form of satanic worship. I absolutely know people who would refuse to work with someone who called themselves a Druid and would think that it would be crazy for anyone else to think they were overreacting.

          1. Mx*

            Imagine someone who would refuse to work with a Christian. This person will probably be in trouble (rightfully). This is the same thing !

            1. HoHumDrum*

              Agreed! But when you’re part of the dominant culture you don’t think like that. You think that your beliefs are “normal” and that people who insist on acting outside the norm are being difficult and dangerous on purpose. It’s really hard to convince them otherwise because so much of society just reaffirms that their view is correct.

            2. Alice's Rabbit*

              I have had people refuse to work with me because I was Christian. It happens. It’s scummy, but it happens.
              My personal line is, so long as you’re not making a big deal about it at work, I don’t care what your religion is. I have many friends and coworkers of all sorts of religions, and off the clock, we have respectful discussions about our beliefs. But on the clock, we don’t really mention it.

            1. HoHumDrum*

              I mean yeah, as someone who has practiced paganism before I agree. Just was sharing because before I married someone who comes from a conservative background (he’s not himself conservative, FTR) I had no idea how many things I thought of as innocuous that they find deeply offensive or overtly threatening (wearing black, playing D&D, metal music, reading fantasy, anything spooky or goth or witchy in vibe, yoga, coloring books etc). Learning more about them has helped me put together the pieces on a lot of confusing encounters I’ve had throughout my life lol.

                2. HoHumDrum*

                  Yeah, so apparently in certain circles anything meditation related is eastern religion and therefore anti-christian (to be clear, obviously this is wildly offensive and racist) and so when adult coloring got big and the coloring the mandalas specifically as a form of mindfulness got big, it sort of turned into “These are dangerous patterns designed to take you away from jesus” and now all adult coloring is suspect for some.

                  I don’t go here, I’m just reporting what I see/hear when unfortunate enough to encounter it.

              3. bkanon*

                When I was young, my father threatened to throw out anything I had with unicorns on it because the church pastor had gone ranting about the ~~ties to witchcraft~~. Unicorns.

                1. PeanutButter*

                  Unicorns as devil-worship is particularly rich considering that Unicorns = Jesus metaphor in a lot of European art and literature.

                3. HoHumDrum*

                  @PeanutButter
                  I mean I also have met christians who believe the chronicles of Narnia are evil because fantasy, which astounded me since it’s a series that is literally just a thinly veiled metaphor for Christianity so…

                  Also, not to get too divisive, but IME in certain sects actually reading the Bible yourself isn’t as common as you would think. If your pastor/priest says it’s satanic it’s satanic and that’s that.

              4. Curious*

                I ran in conservative Christian circles in my past and how is D&D anti Christian? It was a super popular game to play (at least in the circles I was in).

                1. Temperance*

                  There are some evangelical Christians who consider anything fantasy-related to be potentially demonic or to be promoting witchcraft through magic. It’s ridiculous, but it’s typically the same group that thinks Harry Potter reading makes witches.

                2. HoHumDrum*

                  What Curious said. There are different justifications for it. D&D got caught up in satanic panic stuff in the 80s, and so for a lot of folks it’s stuck in their mind as a satanic thing (these folks tend to focus on the violence aspect in it a lot). There are stories that go around about kids who committed suicide after their character died in the game because they could no longer distinguish the game from reality (these stories are pure urban legends, of course) so some folks thinks it’s just a dangerous game period. Others feel like anything fantasy is a form of witchcraft, and a sort of rejection of the perfectly fine world god made for us. I’m sure there are lots of other reasons out there in addition to these, these are just the reasons given to me when I questioned.

                3. Orbi*

                  I’m not sure how old you are but I’m in my mid forties and D&D was definitely considered “satanic” in the conservative Christian circles I group up in.

                  That said I’m still a conservative Christian and my 16 year old loves d&d we just don’t tell grandma.

                4. noahwynn*

                  It is the same groups of Christians who feel that Harry Potter or Hocus Pocus or anything like it are anti-Christian. Basically anything to do with magic, witchcraft, or wizardry is suspect to them. Even obvious fantasy.

              5. C.M.*

                Sounds like the kind of background that causes people to reject all cultures and sub-cultures other than their own, which inevitably points to racism and a host of other bad things.

                1. PeanutButter*

                  As someone who grew up that background, (Foursquare AoG, in my case, speaking in tongues and all) that end result is considered a feature, not a bug, by TPTB.

      2. Laney Boggs*

        I mean, there’s literally anything it could be! “Stepsibling” porn is gaining popularity and it makes some people wildly uncomfortable while others don’t care or are into it. Staged non-consensual videos come to mind too.

        Really, the possibilities are endless. Some people see OP’s side and assume as long as its legal people can look at what they want. Others see porn preferences as directly linked to character or sexual ethics.

        1. HoHumDrum*

          This is a conversation that is steadily engulfing the fandom community, specifically wrt fanfic, so I’m not surprised to see it’s coming out to the rest of the world as well.

          And in the fandom world, it doesn’t follow our typical notions of the “type“ of person who be offended vs see it as a personal consumption choice- which may be why LW was so surprised at the reaction.

        2. Clisby*

          Stepsibling porn? How is that different from just regular porn? That is, there’s nothing weird about stepsiblings having sex with each other, or marrying each other. (I personally know of only one couple like this, but there’s nothing strange about it.)

            1. Extroverted Bean Counter*

              Sorry Alison, didn’t see this until after I hit “post” and the page refreshed.

          2. Extroverted Bean Counter*

            Well, you’re answered your own question here, in that “there is nothing weird about stepsiblings having sex with each other or marrying each other” is not an uncontested sentiment. People who are raised “as family” often have the same blood-family taboo in play, emotionally. A lot of people would raise an eyebrow at it.

            Nothing unethical perhaps, but it is “weird”.

        3. Smithy*

          Initially I was thinking of BDSM content – but I do think the space of step-family/incest really runs the gamut in how people respond. For some it’s “just a porn genre gaining in popularity” and others do find it far more disturbing.

          As someone who uses my phone both personally and for work….this really is my worst nightmare. Just yesterday I intended to send a family thread an article on local delivery holiday meals, and accidentally sent a link on a wacky news story I’d shared with friends. While it wasn’t wildly controversial or inappropriate content wise, it really did send a cold shiver down my spine on how quickly I can send things off and how easily those kinds of mistakes can happen.

        4. tamarack and fireweed*

          I find the speculations mildly interesting. I’m not sure how an unintended and unprepared audience would have even been able to *identify* stepsibling porn…

          Anyhoo, my guess was that it involved something scatological or otherwise related to bodily excretions.

      3. Dust Bunny*

        I went to a college where students could vote to have co-ed bathrooms. I promise you that by the third day it was like sharing with eight brothers and not just not sexy, but actively anti-sexy. But my mom’s friends were scandalized and convinced all we girls were going to get dragged into the showers and savaged. I never heard of anything bad happening. I know that bad things happened elsewhere on or near campus, too, so I don’t think it’s just that nobody ever said anything.

        (This was in the Nineties when I assume coed bathrooms were less common than they are now. Floor residents voted and the most conservative vote won. But floors didn’t have a lot of residents so 90% of the time you never even saw anyone else in the bathroom, anyway.)

        1. KimmyBear*

          This was my college experience as well. I was miffed that I had to go to another floor in the middle of the night because my floor voted for single sex bathrooms.

        2. facepalm*

          If you think that’s wild, my university began to allow coed dorm rooms right after I graduated. (It was by request only, there might have been rules in place to prevent romantic couples from rooming together. I just went down a rabbit hole on their reslife page trying to find out if they still allow it or it was a brief experiment, but couldn’t find anything)

          1. Dust Bunny*

            We had demands for that but at the time it was illegal in that particular state. People just changed rooms unofficially.

        3. Richard Hershberger*

          My freshman year, back in the 80s, I was in an eight-story dorm, with 25 students per floor, floors alternating sex, and one bathroom per floor. I was on the seventh floor. It had originally been a female floor, with the eighth being male, but at some point they had switched. Each floor had a lounge with a balcony. My speculation at the time was that guys were climbing onto the roof from the balcony, and the hope was that females wouldn’t be quite as stupid. The result was that the women’s bathroom had urinals, while the men’s did not. Most of the time everyone just ran with it, but on weekend parties the distinction quickly broke down.

          1. Littorally*

            If they alternated floors, they probably switched to male-odd and female-even so that women wouldn’t be living on the first floor. My university did this out of a panic over the possibility of someone breaking in via the windows and assaulting female students.

            1. Richard Hershberger*

              It has been a while, but my recollection is that the alternating pattern was broken, and that ours were the only two floors that differed.

          2. Dust Bunny*

            We had a few dorms that alternated all-male and all-female floors specifically because they only had one bathroom per floor (these were built in the early 2oth century). Even at that, those bathrooms were usually voted to be coed for visitors. There weren’t an urinals in dorms, though.

      4. Something Something Whomp Whomp*

        My first thought was something furry-related. It’s controversial, but it doesn’t tick societal-issue boxes in the same way that something like BDSM or a lot of the other suggestions do. Nor is it the kind of fetish for which sex-positivity has alleviated much of the public stigma, so the OP’s description of “embarrassing” makes a ton of sense.

        (Yes, I know a furry who is open about it at work. No, I’m not going to tell the story on Friday’s open thread.)

        1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

          My few experiences with the furry fandom were nothing but positive (many years ago, I was at a conference that is at a different location each year, and happened to be next to Anthrocon that year. Some people from our group met up with some of the furries for a chat, and walked away with only positive things to say. Also, one of the members of my local branch of a national org I’m in, is also active in the fandom, and once gave us a talk about its roots and history.) So I was in no way prepared to the shocked and outraged reactions that most people I know (including my immediate family) apparently have to anything furry-related. It is so bizarre to me. So your guess might be correct.

        2. anxietyrobot*

          That was my first thought too. I’m not a furry, but I’ve spent enough time on the internet that I know it’s harmless and wouldn’t think twice about that aspect. But to those unfamiliar with furries, they might’ve seen it and thought it was about beastiality.

        3. JM60*

          I just want to note that being a furry itself is not sexual. If I recall correctly, polls of people in the furry community show that many have at least a little interest in the sexual side of the fandom, but it’s not why most are interested in furry fandom.

          I just thought this is a worth whole point because thinking that being a furry is itself a fetish may lead people to incorrectly think someone is talking about a fetish when they merely say they’re a furry.

      6. Rebecca Stewart*

        Purely in terms of presentation I’d guess at some sort of impact stuff , especially the stuff that leaves more dramatic marks, combined with some power exchange and some resistance play. Seeing people get bruised and welted is shocking if that’s not part of your regular interests. Part of the fun of a safeword for people is the ability during the scene to yell “F-you, no!” and know that it won’t be taken seriously until you say, “RED!” And some people agree that it’s more fun if the bottom struggles and fights back and the top has to pin them/hold them down. But if you don’t know that there’s a safeword there, it looks really troubling when people start doing that sort of scene. And of course on the other side of it some people really like to throw some verbal degradation in, and that’s another triggering thing for a LOT of people.

      7. Forrest*

        Is it really that hard to imagine? Anyone who is somewhat familiar with the kink scene or porn might think, “oh, that’s just a fetish / BDSM / porn, that’s what they do, it’s a fantasy, nobody is being seriously hurt or harmed and I’m sure they had consent from all the participants”. But there is TONS of porn that looks like real violence, humiliation, misogyny, racism etc because that’s what gets some people off. If you’re not familiar with porn or kink, you’ll view it totally differently. I don’t think it’s hard at all to think of stuff that would be, “this is pretty tame” to some and “this is disgusting and offensive” to someone who isn’t.

        1. EmmaPoet*

          Plus, nobody on the chat had any context here, there was just this sudden blast of something which shocked people. I can definitely think of things where, if I’d seen a sudden clip pop up out of nowhere, would paralyze me at the time and then leave me feeling ill later.

      8. RebelwithMouseyHair*

        But it really doesn’t matter. I mean, if it was something you’d consider vanilla, you’d be labelling those who’d be uncomfortable working with her as prudes, and if you found it shocking you’d be shocked that OP was not shocked. It only helps if you want to be judgemental basically, or if you want to gossip about what you’ve been reading here.
        And this is an update, so there’s not even a question to answer!

      9. Quill*

        Literally anything could fall under this category if people got specific enough. Take a wander through the front page of AO3 some time and throw a dart at the tags.

        Especially if the judgement of some is compounded by “it’s so dirty that a woman would watch that” as it often is in regards to women and porn or erotica.

        1. Chinook*

          I am gladbI am not the only one who thought fof AO3. Fanfiction is properly tagged there so you don’t get accidentally “squicked out” or, as newbies say – I have no problem with you writing about X but I never, ever want to accidentally read a story with it because it is most definitely not my thing.

          Porn should work the same way. And if I accidentally sent my coworkers some (well written by others) Ask a Manager fanfiction about Guacamole Bo , I too would quit in embarrasmen because there is no way to walk that back!

    3. Diahann Carroll*

      Right. Outside of child porn, which is disgusting and criminal, I’m not sure what else could be so controversial that people are still mad about it.

      1. Maggie*

        The first thing that immediately comes to mind is anything with homosexuality. Unfortunately this is a topic that, while many people see it as such a Wonder bread level of banality that they wouldn’t blink an eye or give a second thought to it, others who are very conservative still see as an unforgivable sin.

        2. Myrin*

          I honestly don’t think it’s something like that or anything racial, mostly because in her original letter, OP says the video featured “several very … unusually niche fetishes” which IMO doesn’t really fit with gay or interracial porn which are pretty broard, big, and not unusual subcategories; not that someone who is so conservative that they’re offended by gay porn would necessarily know that but I don’t think OP would’ve worded it that way if it were as simple as “an white and an asian dude are getting it on”.

        3. Sparky*

          It could be feet, it could be clowns, it could be people dressed up as Star Trek characters, it could be clown shoes on Star Trek characters, we don’t know. There is not one size that fits (or upsets all).

      2. AnonymousPoster*

        I could imagine a lot of things. The US is still not a very sex positive culture even though many subcultures within it are. BDSM, for instance, is still pretty controversial outside of very sex positive social circles. I know otherwise liberal people who think it’s inherently degrading, disturbing, and so on.

        1. Ray Gillette*

          I really should have refreshed before posting, hah. I’ve met quite a few people who think that BDSM is inherently degrading to women. I’m still not clear on how that’s the case when plenty of BDSM involves no women at all, but it just goes to show that people have their own ideas about what is and isn’t acceptable for other people to do in their own sex lives.

          1. Elsewhere*

            And what if in a BDSM scene the woman is the dominatrix? I’ve gotten the feeling that some people are assuming it’s the other way around, but we’ll never — and we need not — know.

            1. HoHumDrum*

              The argument I’ve heard from radfems* is that when the woman is the dom the participants are still getting off on the unequal power roles, the eroticism of being dominated by a woman is the subversion of the usual societal roles. So for some it’s still getting off on the idea of women’s subjugation.

              *not the only group of people who are anti-BDSM, just the group I’ve heard the most from on this issue so I’m just sharing what I’ve heard and trying to be specific.

        3. PVR*

          I don’t think this has anything to do with being sex positive and everything to do with people being subjected to sexually explicit materials without their consent.

      3. Sal*

        My mind immediately went to racial stuff fwiw. I could also see body size or disability-related stuff to be non-illegal but controversial and potentially extremely upsetting. Lots of possibilities, sigh.

        1. Diahann Carroll*

          See, y’all, my mind didn’t go to any of this stuff initially, lol. But yes, I get it now (even if I roll my eyes at the outrage over gay porn and BDSM myself).

        2. Anax*

          Yeah, my mind went to ageplay or other similar fetishes which could read to the not-very-sex-positive as “this person is a threat to children or other vulnerable parties.” Especially since many coworkers are probably parents, and/or the workplace might involve kids or other vulnerable persons, and that might make it particularly unnerving.

          There’s nothing _wrong_ with, say, a video about Catholic schoolgirls, if everyone is of age and consenting… but if you happen to work in a school, that might raise the discomfort dramatically. I feel like it might be something context-dependent along those lines. :( That poor employee.

          1. Jennifer*

            Well, someone with a history of abuse may be triggered by seeing a video involving “age play.” It doesn’t mean they aren’t sex positive or are some kind of prude. Same with someone who has experienced domestic violence seeing an extremely violent clip.

            1. AnonymousPoster*

              I mean, it’s one thing it be disturbed seeing porn at work in the moment. It’s another to be so disturbed that you won’t ever feel comfortable working with the coworker who shared it ever again, even though it was an accident and completely out of character. Those feelings are valid, but in my mind that’s their personal problem to deal with (perhaps in therapy), not their workplace’s or boss’.

              1. Jennifer*

                I wholeheartedly disagree with that. This isn’t like that letter from a while ago where the employee with OCD made everyone line up boy/girl/boy/girl.

                People go to work with a reasonable expectation that they aren’t going to see disturbing images. I don’t think someone needs to go therapy simply because they don’t want to see a woman being beaten up or someone pretending to a child being violated. It’s pretty normal to have an adverse reaction to that. Now that doesn’t necessarily mean that the person that shared this video by accident is an awful person. I don’t know what kind of fetish was involved. But it doesn’t mean that the people who were disturbed by it are awful prudes that just need to go to therapy either.

                1. AnonymousPoster*

                  Again, I don’t blame people for being disturbed, but I do think it’s not ideal to hold that agains the coworker forever and never feel comfortable working with them again.

                2. Jennifer*

                  We’ll have to disagree here. I don’t think it’s extreme to not want to work with someone ever again who has that kind of fetish. Wouldn’t be my choice necessarily because who knows what anyone is into these days, but I would understand it.

                3. tamarack and fireweed*

                  Yeah, but an unplanned, unintentional, sudden reveal of something inappropriate is by definition something that goes against reasonable expectations. I also have reasonable expectations not to see my co-workers naked, but a wardrobe malfunction or door malfunction in the washroom might accidentally expose me to their partially undressed body and them to embarrassment.

                  So there’s a question of where to draw the line. And line-drawing can mean several lines in varying severity. The top line for me would be something illegal; anything beyond that is not on me but on the other person. Then another line encloses a grey zone – for me, something that is outright unethical in a way that would impact the person’s ability to function in their job directly – I’m thinking of material that suggests the person is a neo-Nazi for example, or KKK sympathizer.

                  Stuff that can reasonably be considered as up to the consenting adults involved, and requires a theoretical argument (such as what it means as a woman to participate in D/S activities), even if highly upsetting to me, would be something in the “that’s on me to deal with” column. Though stuff like “I would like to move professionally away from the person now that I know X about them” could be on the table.

              2. Bridget*

                I mean, it was their personal problem UNTIL it was brought into their workplace completely by a co-worker and without their consent or prior knowledge. Not sure why the onus is now on the abuse victim to ignore the fact that a coworker subjected them to something traumatic, unintentional or not.

                1. Anax*

                  … man, I get triggered by the A/C. No joke, I literally have panic attacks in certain temperature ranges, due to trauma. Unintentional triggers are SO COMMON, they’re nigh impossible to avoid, at least in my experience and from talking to others with PTSD.

                2. tamarack and fireweed*

                  I get triggered by sea shanties. Someone might well unintentionally subject me to something traumatic.

              3. Booboo*

                No. Sorry but no, that’s a completely reprehensible and unacceptable comment.

                Saying that child sexual abuse survivors need to accept being forcibly non-consensually exposed to someone else’s sexual fetish is absolutely beyond the pale.

                Saying that black women aren’t allowed to feel negatively about a white man for getting off on porn where black women are racially abused is straight up racist.

                This is 100% victim blaming. There are plenty of things that people would feel legitimately triggered or unsafe by.

            2. Anax*

              Of course; that trigger is obviously valid, but I think folks who are reasonably positive about sex and fetishes would more likely read that as a personal trigger – this freaks ME out – and not a sign that this person is actually a danger to others in real life. I’m not saying the coworkers should not be uncomfortable – just that having trouble distinguishing between sexual fantasy and reality is more likely to be because people aren’t very comfortable with or familiar with kink in general.

              (Also, y’know, trying to be brief so as not to make this conversation more explicit than Alison would prefer in what’s broadly a work-friendly blog.)

              And I say that as a person who does have diagnosed PTSD and a history of abuse. One kind of… needs to learn to separate that, because a lot of triggers are extremely upsetting but no one’s fault, and don’t represent actual danger. This is obviously an extreme case which folks would be exposed to less than, say, “working near men”, but the point still holds; triggers are a personal issue, not objective reality. That doesn’t mean they’re not upsetting, but it does affect the range of appropriate reactions.

              It’s not appropriate to demand to never, ever be triggered – just to request reasonable accommodation to reduce frequency as much as possible and practical, without unduly punishing anyone else. Goodness knows I’m having panic attacks about the Christmas festivities at work, and that’s ALSO a reliable trigger for folks with a history of abuse.

              It’s not okay to bring black widow spiders into the office. But if one hitches a ride on your hat, without your knowledge, and freaks people out, that’s a dreadful thing and their upset feelings are valid – but it’s also not your fault, and it’s hard to take precautions for such a freak accident.

              To be clear – it’s totally valid to be upset and uncomfortable. It’s valid to want action to be taken so this will never happen again, or to request reassurance that this person understands boundaries and is not actually dangerous. It’s not valid to demonize this employee for an out-of-character accident solely based on how upset other people are.

              2. PVR*

                It might not be appropriate to demand to never be triggered, especially if that trigger is something you may run into in everyday life, like someone wearing a hat or a blue shirt, but it is absolutely appropriate to assume and demand that you won’t be subjected to watching anything that resembles sex violence against your consent while at work.

                1. SimplytheBest*

                  Number one, we don’t know that that’s what they saw and number two, you actually don’t get to demand that no one ever has an accident ever, as OP has made clear this was.

            3. Forrest*

              Yeah, I’m really disturbed by the implication here that if you’re upset or disturbed by suddenly being confronted with porn at work you’re insufficiently worldly or sex-positive. This is the crap version of sex-positivity that doesn’t seem to care all that much about people’s consent or boundaries. :-(

              1. Chinook*

                Yup! What Forrest said. If you are allowed to have your version of an acceptable sex life and I am not allowed to judge you for it, then the reverse is also true. And consent for what I see is just as important as my eyes and ears and brain are also my body and I can’t control them from seeing what is put in front of them without my consent.

              2. ...*

                Exactly, if you aren’t cool with what was apparently at least very weird porn popping up at work you just aren’t “Cool” enough according to people here.

                1. mppgh*

                  No, I think what people are saying is that people are human. Some things are literally honest mistakes. To drag someone down even further when they are mortified is not helpful to anyone. I also doubt there is one person in these comments who doesn’t have some secret skeleton that at least one other person here would find totally appalling.

              3. HoHumDrum*

                I don’t think that’s what people are saying though.

                The conversation went, “If the coworkers were that offended then the employee must have shared something REALLY messed up to provoke that reaction!” and people are saying “Actually there’s a ton of stuff that might seem very average/common to people who are familiar with the kink/fetish world, but can often be considered deviant and disturbing among those who are very unfamiliar with that culture”.

                People are using “sex positive” as a short hand, not a judgment. It’s not commentary on what anyone has to enjoy or not, it’s just saying “Hey, we actually can’t jump to conclusions about what the employee posted.” Since people are freely suggesting the employee must be engaging in age play or racist kinks, I think saying “It really doesn’t have to be that extreme to have gotten that reaction” is a fair point to make.

                1. Forrest*

                  The top comment is someone saying that the only bad kind of porn is porn which isn’t ethically produced; there are people saying that anyone who is offended or disturbed by porn must be anti-LGBTQ or devoutly religious; there’s someone saying that if you’re triggered by unexpectedly seeing porn in the workplace that’s a you-problem that you should discuss with a therapist. I think you can feel bad for the OP for making a horrendous mistake without pathologising the people who were upset or even harmed by that mistake!

                2. HoHumDrum*

                  @Forrest
                  I mean, how you have interpreted those comments is not how I’m interpreting them. YMMV

                  The comment: As long as it’s ethical, porn use and fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of.
                  Your interpretation: the only bad kind of porn is porn which isn’t ethically produced
                  My interpretation: Being someone who consumes porn isn’t inherently shameful, unless your porn was made by unethical means in which case that *is* inherently shameful. That doesn’t mean that no other type of porn consumption is shameful, just that porn itself isn’t inherently something horrific or deviant.

                  The comment: I can’t tell who specifically you’re referring to in this thread with this one tbh
                  Your interpretation: there are people saying that anyone who is offended or disturbed by porn must be anti-LGBTQ or devoutly religious
                  My interpretation: This is the same as I said above, so just look up to my first reply. I don’t see people saying that only bigots and super religious folks are anti-porn, what I see are people saying “Gee, if the porn was that upsetting it must have been something suuuuuper wrong, like racism fetish or rape play, the LW was crazy to think anyone would move past that” and then others saying, “That’s not necessarily true- our assumptions about what is “normal” vs. “deviant” are based on our own experiences. If you also consume porn/erotica routinely what seems standard to you can be upsetting or deviant to another. It’s not fair to assume that if people were upset that it must be true the employee shared something as extreme as racism based porn”.

                  The comment: I mean, it’s one thing it be disturbed seeing porn at work in the moment. It’s another to be so disturbed that you won’t ever feel comfortable working with the coworker who shared it ever again, even though it was an accident and completely out of character. Those feelings are valid, but in my mind that’s their personal problem to deal with (perhaps in therapy),
                  Your interpretation: if you’re triggered by unexpectedly seeing porn in the workplace that’s a you-problem that you should discuss with a therapist.
                  My interpretation: They posted a followup actually that clarifies, so here it is: “I don’t blame people for being disturbed, but I do think it’s not ideal to hold that agains the coworker forever and never feel comfortable working with them again.” I think they’re just saying that if your coworker does something on accident and is completely mortified, ideally everyone moves on. The coworker can’t go back in time and undo it, and everyone makes mistakes. Ideally our mistakes are small and inconsequential instead of massive and awful, but some things are “there but for the grace of god go I”.

                  I don’t see anyone saying, “Who cares, it’s no big deal to share porn at work”. What I see are people saying “Geez, I feel bad for the employee, and I can imagine a completely normal, kind, and thoughtful, non-creepy person making this one huge mistake. I don’t think we need to jump to conclusions about her taste in porn or her character just based off the fact that some coworkers said they would never work with her again.”

                3. Booboo*

                  No one is saying that the porn must objectively be “bad” just that we don’t have enough information.

                  Yes, it’s possible it’s something innocuous like lesbian porn and the people getting upset are just straight up homophobes. (Though I doubt the “cool with porn in the workplace” LW would refer to gay porn as very niche.)

                  It’s definitely possible that it’s something like BDSM.

                  On the other hand it’s absolutely possible that the porn was something like racist porn, Nazi imagery, daddy/daughter incest, simulated child sexual abuse, all things that people would have a legitimate concern over.

          2. NerdyKris*

            Right, it’s easy to say all kink is fine, but in reality there’s certain contexts that will justifiably worry people, like if the object of someone’s fetish is also an at risk population they have control over.

            1. Anax*

              Yeah, I’m reminded of the historical re-enactor who reeeeally liked to play the servant. :( It sounds like this employee has far better boundaries, but I can understand why people would be upset and concerned.

        3. Dust Bunny*

          My mind went there but then I wasn’t sure how the LW could see racial, etc. stuff as not-controversial, so I assume it was same-sex or something a lot less clear-cut.

      4. Myrin*

        I was thinking something like scat or diaper play, something in that direction.
        (I don’t know if Alison would rather like to discourage speculation so if so, please feel free to delete, but I thought it might be helpful if I suggested some examples because I think a lot of people might have difficulty coming up with something themselves.)

        1. pleaset cheap rolls*

          That’s nasty (to me) but has nothing to do with me, so it wouldn’t put me off much. I’d try to get beyond it

          But as a black guy, if there was some serious stuff involving race (beyond just liking black guys – say racist language) it would put me off. I’d be judgey.

      5. pleaset cheap rolls*

        ” I’m not sure what else could be so controversial that people are still mad about it.”
        Porn using racist tropes.

        1. Lalaroo*

          Yeah, I’m thinking of the scandals where it comes out that someone is interested in Nazi-play or slavery reenactment.

            4. Anax*

              It’s very common to fetishize trauma – for instance, for people who have experienced sexual abuse to have a “consensual non-consent” fetish. As in, to want to roleplay being sexually abused. It’s not entirely clear why, but it appears to be partially because it allows them to be in control this time, able to stop the experience whenever they choose, and trauma is extremely emotionally charged in a way that sometimes “crosses wires” in the brain. Yes, everyone is uncomfortable about this, and many people wish their brains were not wired this way, but it’s a thing.

              This being said, there are ALSO creeps who just enjoy being transgressive and freaking people out, and creeps who enjoy roleplaying the gross abuses they would like to commit in real life. There are definite concerns about which group folks fall into, and whether they have a strong grasp on real-life boundaries.

              So, you know, kind of a case by case thing? People don’t really get a choice about what they’re into or how they process their personal or societal trauma, brains are weird, and a blanket ‘ew, that makes you a Bad Person’ is going to harm not just the creeps but the folks who are already traumatized and feeling terrible about themselves. As long as they do their due diligence to keep non-consenting parties from having to see or interact with it, of course; obviously, no one should be obliged to deal with this stuff unless they choose to.

              1. Jennifer*

                Every time I have heard about someone acting out a racist fantasy like this it was a white person degrading a non-white person. Not the other way around. That’s not okay and surely there have to be other ways people can work out their traumas. I’d be interested to know how the non-white people who work on these shoots are treated behind the scenes when it comes also. From what I’ve read in general about how POCs are treated in that industry, I’m not super optimistic. Another reason why this would be problematic.

                1. anonforthis*

                  That’s the thing- from the outside it looks like abuse, but the person on the receiving end is actually in ultimate control, and the dominant person is designing the whole thing for the sub’s pleasure. Usually it’s people who want to be subs (the ones being abused) who raise the idea of things that are more uncomfortable- a black man might ask his partner to play master/slave with him, but white people aren’t touching that unless they’re totally sure their partner would be into it, and might not even be talked into it by a partner because it’s too uncomfortable to step into that role. I’m speaking to personal relationships here, not porn production necessarily, but the point is basically that people take weird societal hangups and make lemonade out of them, and get off on reenacting things when it’s just playacting- even if it’s not flipping roles it still feels subversive to turn something scary into a game you’re in charge of. Oh, and most groups of people who do bdsm have more submissives than dominants for this very reason. The doms do all the work! Anyway, the whole thing is fascinating (though there’s a lot of “yeah, that’s not my thing, you have fun though” to go around). Apparently there’s also a lot about deliberately causing a rush of endorphins, which is why people like being beaten etc. A natural high- it made more sense to me when I read about that. Before I would just think “ouch, how could that actually not just hurt?”.
                  Tl;dr – BDSM in general looks way worse than it is, and the power dynamic is less “this person beating the other” and more “this person doing all the work to get the other off”. (When talking about safe bdsm play between partners and ethically produced porn anyway.) And that applies even to subjects I’d agree with you are really squicky like racial stuff.

                2. PersephoneUnderground*

                  Agh, sorry for the wall of text- I doubt there’s anything too sinister in that the setup is often acting out the white master/ black slave cultural baggage. People eroticize fears and weird taboos and turn them into games. That’s the point I was trying to make. There’s no particular cultural baggage around black master/ white slave, at least not nearly so much, so it’s likely to be a less common theme. It’s definitely squicky, but I wouldn’t read too much into its existence/prevalence.

                3. Booboo*

                  But porn is very very different from people’s private sex lives.

                  Porn is an industry that exists solely to make money. People enter the porn industry for all kinds of reasons but money is often the main reason.

                  A black porn performer who agrees to do a scene where she is being racially abused is not doing scene play with a loving, trusting partner as a way of processing past racial trauma. She’s there because she’s being paid. And she’s being paid because other people get off on seeing black women being racially abused, and that sure as hell ain’t other black women.

                  I don’t believe for a second that it’s black women buying porn showing other black women being racially abused and degraded. It’s white men who are racist.

                  I was once working on a piece on Neo Nazism which led me to discover Holocaust porn. Porn in which white Aryan-looking adult performers wearing Nazi guard uniforms enact violent faux-rape scenes and hurl racist slurs at female adult performers playing Jewish concentration camp inmates. The target demographic for this form of porn is basically 100% white men who belong to Neo Nazi organisations.

                  Consuming porn made for financial reasons =/= exploring fetishises within your own sexual relationships.

        2. Beth*

          Beastiality (actual or imitation), pony play or similar, humiliation play, CBT, age play, incest, roleplay involving taboo categories (especially religious), fireplay, blood, branding. Plus the options I’ve already seen posted.

          1. TexasRose*

            You omitted tentacles and alien abduction re-enactments, which I specify only because this was niche stuff.

      6. Ray Gillette*

        You’d be amazed how many people consider handcuffs and a riding crop to be utterly scandalous.

        1. ...*

          There’s plenty of stuff out there that’s much worse than that (things that depict violence and abuse for one), and showing any porn at work is 100% inappropriate so I think we just take the people who weren’t ok with it at their word rather than fan functioning that they just aren’t cool or open enough. The employee here was firmly in the wrong, even if it was accidental.

          1. Jennifer*

            Thank you. People shouldn’t have to see porn at work. Period. Even if you are sex positive, it doesn’t mean you want to view images at work without your consent. It’s similar to getting an unsolicited nude from someone.

            1. HoHumDrum*

              I don’t think anyone is saying that it’s perfectly fine to share porn at work, I think they’re just saying that it was an accident and “there by the grace of god go I”.

              1. Jennifer*

                Which I don’t get. Who these days doesn’t know to keep anything porn-related completely separate from work. Especially if you have an extreme fetish? That coupled with the fact that this could have been some sort of racist-related porn really makes me not have a whole lot of sympathy for this former employee and a lot more for the people who were actually subjected to it.

                1. HoHumDrum*

                  I mean the racism aspect is pure conjecture from the comments here, there’s nothing to support that in the letter. The whole reason this convo started was people pointing out that what people consider “disturbing fetish” can vary so wildly based on culture it’s impossible to know. The employee could very well have been looking at something we’d all agree was disturbing, or it could have been something as commonplace as light bondage, or a furry costume, or balloon popping, etc. We don’t know, so we shouldn’t assume.

                  And, I mean I can easily imagine this situation happening. My boss expects to get ahold of me at all hours, so I have numerous work chat apps on my phone. I also use my phone for personal things, because it’s my personal device. I’m not gonna agree that it’s reasonable to say I can no longer sext anyone or look at erotica on my free time on my own personal device that I pay for myself for my own personal needs. So far I have been careful and never had this issue come up, but all it takes is one mistake. I’ve definitely sent the wrong link/image to someone in a chat many times in my life, though thank all the gods it’s never been porn. But again, there by the grace of god go I.

                2. Booboo*

                  It’s equally pure conjecture that it was gay porn, or light BDSM, or any of the other hypotheticals they Cool Girl tm squad have been coming up with.

          2. Diahann Carroll*

            so I think we just take the people who weren’t ok with it at their word rather than fan functioning that they just aren’t cool or open enough.

            …who here said this though?

          3. Ray Gillette*

            Nobody is defending porn at work, and pretending we are is silly. My point is that without more information (which I completely understanding the OP withholding for privacy reasons), simply knowing that some people objected to the genre of porn that was shared doesn’t tell us anything useful. What one person considers “violence and abuse” could be another person’s “fun Saturday night.”

            1. ...*

              I guess my point is that it doesn’t matter which of those it is because its inappropriate either way. Also, I would actually be disturbed to find out my co worker thinks violence and abuse is “a fun Saturday night”. I would have a problem working with that person at least subconsciously.

      7. Renata Ricotta*

        Eh, just vaguely thinking about the categories porn sites often use for their videos, I’m sure there’s plenty that would make people feel uncomfortable, particularly in a work context. (Many such categories reference races, extreme body types, particular ages or very youthful appearances, incest or incest-adjacent … any of those terms could have ended up in the URL and made someone upset.) As another commenter said upthread, what floats one person’s boat really torpedoes another’s.

        1. ...*

          Exactly. Some of the most “mild” and “common” categories are incest related. People don’t need to be comfortable with that if they don’t want.

      8. kittymommy*

        My first thoughts were furry (pretty tame) or beastality or simulated rape. I knew a woman who had the latter and yeah, I gotta say, it was a little weird.

      9. snoopythedog*

        I mean, some people find porn itself so abhorrent….so I can imagine how people might find any sort of non-vanilla porn (is that even a thing?! ha.) super offensive.

        2. Jaybeetee*

          I mean, I’ve spoken to married people who consider looking at p*rn at all to be actual cheating. Let alone getting into anything vaguely kinky. One would be surprised how many people out there still consider all adult content to be scandalous or sleazy or just “bad” in some way.

      10. animaniactoo*

        My thought would be something that involved body fluids. The Two Girls One Cup thing, and others.

        Stuff that automatically trips the “that’s gross/disrespectful/EWWWW” wire, but for some people – eh, you’re not into it, but I’m not gonna judge someone else for being fascinated by it. I mean… I would judge them if they said it revs their motor, not gonna lie. But fascinated that it exists? Nah. I’m not up for Dr Pimple Popper, and yet that show is still going.

      11. Jem One*

        Aside from any of the other examples listed here, I think if you are a rape victim (which statistically several employees at a large company will be) anything simulating lack of consent could be very difficult to unsee.

    5. hmmmmmmmmmmm*

      I can see certain taboo situational fantasies, i.e. cheating, step-family content, etc. getting this reaction. It’s like, they’re hardly something likely to impact the coworker’s real world actions, but a lot of people would still react strongly to the social taboo. These taboo situations also seem to overwhelmingly dominate certain niche sub-categories, so it’d be wicked easy for someone to end up viewing certain fantasies they didn’t necessarily agree with, if they were looking for certain other content.

    6. mourning mammoths*

      The “stupidly obvious in retrospect” makes me think BDSM, and which could thus be triggering for victims of domestic violence.

      1. Rebecca Stewart*

        Yeah. I’ve spent a lot of time in dungeons watching other people play, and it’s not hard for me to assemble in my head a scene with humiliation and impact and the fun of yelling no, no, stop, no when you have a safeword that would be SERIOUSLY wrong for most people.

    7. Ra ra rasputin*

      Based on the language I get the feeling it may have been LGBTQ or inter racial. Not discriminatory, but also still taboo for some people. (Especially when it’s legit porn).

    8. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I’d say furry or cosplay. Cosplay porn content can fall into CP territory if the character or the cosplayer are underage.

  4. theschnauzer*

    > Not illegal, but…controversial.

    OH NO.

    OH NO!!!!!!!

    I didn’t think the nightmare could get any worse!!!!!

    2. yala*

      I feel like that could cover some fairly tame stuff, tho, given that sex in general generates a lot of controversy. Like, it could legit just be some bondage or bdsm porn or something.

      1. Daisy*

        But OP, who a) seems to be familiar with porn and b) wasn’t even that bothered by it, described it as ‘very … unusually niche’ and ‘extremely shocking’. I think all these suggestions of things like light bondage must be waaaay off.

  5. CatCat*

    An unfortunate outcome. In light of the reactions of the contingent of those very upset by what happened, it seems now that resigning may have been the best outcome.

    Also, looking at Alison’s advice in the original letter, it seems maybe in situations like this where you cannot ascertain what people think, don’t say things like “no one is worked up about it” or that “everyone assumes it was an innocent mistake” because that isn’t necessarily the case and can give the mortified employee a false sense of where she stands with her colleagues. Had she come back believing that it was no big deal to her colleagues, things could have gotten a lot more uncomfortable for her. The employee was always going to be That Person Who Brought Their Kinky Biz to Work for many people, and I don’t see that dying down (and with 200+ people, not something OP really could have shut down).

    So, very unfortunate, but I think now that leaving was probably the best thing for the employee. OP, I think it’s great that you have the offer to give her a glowing reference and no reference to the incident.

    I hope she lands somewhere where she can get a fresh start.

    1. The New Normal*

      +1 to your second paragraph in particular. Obviously people were bothered by it, so I wonder if those who thought that kink was NBD were a little more vocal initially so those who were genuinely bothered, so they felt silenced.

    2. Kiki*

      I agree that leaving was probably the best thing for the employee and the company. I don’t think the employee is a bad person and it seems like an honest mistake, but it really would have been hard to come back from this. I think letting her start fresh is for the best.

    3. Kim*

      I’m actually surprised at the original suggestion to act like it’s not a big deal and just hope people forget about it and encourage the employee to move on. This is so NOT the type of thing people forget about, whether it’s because people are laughing about it or find it offensive. NO ONE is going to move on from this any time soon.

      I really do think quitting and starting fresh somewhere else was the only option, so I absolutely sympathize with the OP. What a nightmare. :(

      1. SimplytheBest*

        While that may be true, OP making it into a bigger deal is going to do just that – make it a bigger deal. Playing it cool won’t make people forget it or let it go immediately, but it’s certainly going to lessen some of the drama.

    4. OhNo*

      That’s a very good point, and a good reminder to be cautious about this sort of thing at work no matter which side you fall on. Just because it’s “logical” for something to be unoffensive doesn’t preclude that some people might be offended by it. And I say that without judgement for the coworkers. If they were offended or triggered by whatever content was shared, then they were offended or triggered by it and that feeling is real to them.

      It seems like one of those situations that suck for everyone involved: the employee who made an honest mistake, the employees who weren’t upset who lost a good coworker, the employees who were upset who were exposed to something they found distasteful at work, and the OP who had to lose this employee and navigate a no-win situation.

    5. PersephoneUnderground*

      Yeah, I feel so sorry for her! That’s such a nightmare. You said it really well here.

  6. Managamber*

    This update brings so many questions with it! My first thought was that the porn was of an interracial genre, one that exploits racial stereotypes. That would bring an element of discomfort in beyond the sexual angle. I feel so bad for the person who shared it (and the people who were unwillingly exposed to it).

  7. Personalcomputeronly*

    This is why I almost NEVER do anything non-work related on company computers. Even searching for craft supplies and the like. I’ll look up maybe something for lunch but anything else is looked up on my phone or personal computer.

    1. AnonymousPoster*

      My personal rule of thumb is if I would be even the slightest bit embarrassed to visit a particular website or send a particular message in the middle of an open office, I will only do it in personal tech, even if I’m working from home.

    2. Managamber*

      Now that we’re all working from home, though, personal and work devices can be the same. It might not be the case for this person, of course, but my company hasn’t given me my own computer. I have to use my own PC to work from home.

      1. Liz*

        I’m in the same boat as you. My solution was to create a separate work profile on my computer to keep everything well and truly separate.

    3. Ray Gillette*

      Going the other way can be a little stickier, though. I log into a few work communication platforms on my personal cell phone. My rule is “double, triple, quadruple check before sending anything, any time” even without work coming into the picure because the last thing I want to do is send a sexy selfie to my mother, but there’s got to be a better solution overall. “Just don’t mistakes” is fine until, as we see here, it isn’t.

    4. NoName*

      I’m the same way, but I will occasionally read the news and maybe this blog on my work computer when there’s downtime. A lot of companies require you to use your personal phone at work though, and there’s so much that can go wrong there unless you’re diligent. That little share button can be easily clicked on accidentally.

      I was incredibly annoyed at my last employer, who gave me a very small phone stipend to cover things like work calls, texts and emails. I had wanted to get a phone dedicated for work, but the stipend would be no where near enough to cover the cost.

  8. Ruthie*

    I feel for everyone involved in this unfortunate accident. And I appreciate the sensitivity the OP used in handling it with the employee and when it came up that others were indeed uncomfortable.

  9. Jennifer*

    This is exactly what I was saying on the original post. People are going to be talking about this forever and the best choice for her was to quit, especially since it involved a fetish. A lot of the commenters really thought people would rise above it and forget it after a day or so, which I really didn’t get.

    1. MCMonkeybean*

      Yeah, I was a little surprised by the insistence that it would eventually blow over. Not that I think it *should* have continued to be an issue but I could not see any outcome where she was not forever referred to as “the one who posted porn in the group chat.”

      Honestly, even long after people forget her name and most of the people currently working there have moved on, this is the kind of thing people will still occasionally be like “I heard that one time someone accidentally posted porn in the group chat!”

  10. Laika*

    Back when I had Facebook, a friend accidentally reshared a link (with photo preview…!) of porn. I happened to be one of the first to come across the post and commented something mild/non-judgemental to draw their attention to it. They deleted it shortly after and we never talked about it again.

    Similarly to the subject of the letter, the porn was something very niche and could be controversial (I didn’t know it was a genre that even existed!). Now with this reframing I could absolutely see that some people would find it very off-putting, so I really feel for the former employee here. It’s a bad situation all around; I hope they find a fresh start somewhere and can put it behind them.

    1. Jaybeetee*

      In terms of things like accidentally sharing to Facebook, there are viruses that do that kind of thing (at the same time, accidentally sharing something like that to sm is my personal nightmare).

      I should clarify, I’ve never seen a virus that shared things on FB, but I’ve seen some forward adult content via email or FB messenger contacts.

  12. Teekanne aus Schokolade*

    I wonder if OP would feel better by going ahead and writing a letter of recommendation and sending it to former employee to use if she needs to? She could also include a note stating that she would give a fair reference with no mention of the incident. I think employee might be too embarrassed to ever ask for one.

  13. bunniferous*

    I’d just like to say that the OP handled this entire situation with grace and kindness. I understand why the employee felt they needed to resign, although it would have been better if everyone had just decided to pretend it did not happen. But hopefully all the employees now know that OP knows how to handle tough and embarrassing situations.

  14. A Poster Has No Name*

    TBH, I would have quit, too, even if it weren’t “controversial.” Knowing people, she would eternally be “The woman who posted porn in the group chat” and I just don’t know how you recover from that. It sucks, but here we are.

    I don’t think it was deliberate, though, and I hope she’s able to land somewhere good for her and this incident doesn’t follow her there.

    1. Quill*

      That’s the kind of reputation where you switch social groups just because the damage control itself is too embarassing.

  15. Big ooof*

    Oh that poor, poor employee. Also, OP, I’m glad to hear you got feedback from the people who were extremely upset by the situation.

    I have to admit, my reaction would be different based on the specific scenario. If, say, a man accidentally posted some pretty aggressive D/s where the man is dominating a woman, I could see how someone legitimately would feel unsafe working with that man, especially if they’re not familiar with BDSM. There is some violent stuff out there. If I didn’t know how apologetic and embarrassed Jane was, I could feel harassed, especially if the manager was “guys let’s just ignore it and move on”. Think of the fake-orgasm-sounds letter, where the manager was ignoring the problem and many people felt harassed. So that was useful feedback, and I want to reiterate that overall you did a good job handling this. (Tee hee hee)

    Otherwise it’d just be weird information about a coworker that it’d be impossible to un-know (“Jane is in to diaper play!”). I can totally see why she quit.

  16. Jaybeetee*

    I’m exceedingly grateful, not for the first time, that I have work-issued devices for work, and can keep my personal devices for, um, personal use. At one point the higher-ups actually did want us to install a meeting program on our personal devices (earlier on in WFH when we were having VPN difficulties), and my boss pushed back hard on that. I have enough to worry about without accidentally sending something scandalous to my colleagues.

    3. Anax*

      Absolutely agreed. At least I only need to worry about sending embarrassing memes to my mother, and not my coworkers.

      There are also some very real concerns with “bring your own device” – the risk of subpoena or open records requests, IT having the power to wipe your device, damage or wear and tear caused by work and how that may be reimbursed, eek. The “always at work” trend in “work from home” is very concerning.

  17. Greg*

    Ultimately it doesn’t really matter what the fetish was, but I read the update under the assumption that it was some kind of cuckold porn, which has a heavily racial subtext. If that were the case, I could see how some people might have been very offended, but also how the OP might have initially missed the potential for offense.

    Point being, if you assume it was something like that, the responses of everyone involved make a lot more sense. It’s a very unfortunate situation. It sucks that the employee lost their job, it sucks that the OP lost a valuable employee, and it sucks that her coworkers had to be exposed to something offensive in a work setting. But ultimately, it may be for the best that everyone just moved on.

  18. Sara without an H*

    Hi, OP —
    I think you handled the whole mess with great sensitivity and professionalism. Don’t second-guess yourself — we can always think of things we could have done differently, or better, in any given situation.

    It’s good to keep in mind, too, that in any public incident, you have to be alert to the impact on involuntary participants, who may not feel able to speak up and express their discomfort.

    I’m glad you’re willing to provide your former employee with a good reference, and I hope she finds something soon.

  19. BlueBelle*

    I feel so bad for that woman. I would have been mortified and quit too. I will say that people are going to talk about this for years. As the manager, you have to cut it off, and I think the OP handled everything beautifully!! However, people are going to talk about it. It is one of those legendary things that will live on in company memory.
    When I first started at my company I heard about an employee who was discovered to have been living in his office storage room for about 6 months after his wife kicked him out. He used the gym on-site to shower, he had a cot, a crockpot, a George Foreman grill, a refrigerator. I never met the guy but I have heard all the stories. People gossip.

    1. Junior Assistant Peon*

      We had one of those at my job too. Guy was going through a divorce, hadn’t lined up a new place to live yet, and was secretly sleeping in his office and showering in the plant locker room. He got caught when the monthly burglar alarm data report showed that no one was turning the alarm on at night or off in the morning.

  20. RagingADHD*

    In addition to the content of the video itself, the fact that she appears to have posted to the group chat while there was an active discussion going on leads inevitably to the idea that she was consuming it during work hours, while actively chatting with colleagues.

    No matter how vanilla someone’s tastes are, it’s going to permanently color people’s perceptions if they think you were Jeffrey-Toobining in the middle of a work conversation.

    1. apples2oranges*

      IIRC, the LW stated in the original letter that the employee was on PTO. So at least on that count, she wasn’t…in the wrong.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Well, that’s something. I’m not sure it changes the perception on the recipients’ end, though. Unless they all keep track of each other’s PTO.

    2. Person from the Resume*

      Somebody above said something about the SHARE feature on sites or apps.

      I don’t use my phone for work, but occasionally when I hit the wrong button and my phone offers share to the most recent text message threads or something, I brief a sigh of relief that it didn’t accidentally share the fanfic I was reading with my friends.

      Given the fact about the employee being on PTO already, it might have been that.

      1. Quill*

        Yeah, I know why sites install a suite of “share this” buttons… but you would think a porn site would have slightly better design sensibility about how they get their publicity.

  21. MicroManagered*

    It doesn’t really matter what specific kind of content it was. There are some people who’d find any sexual content of any kind offensive.

    And fwiw, I work with some people who clearly get off on getting attention for being offended, so I don’t count that out as a possibility either.

  22. Jenny*

    I think it should be clear that the coworkers aren’t bad people for finding this shocking or disturbing. You can be as sex positive as possible and not want to encounter it at work.

    1. Anonforthis*

      Not only that, but who knows what kinds of non-positive sexual experiences other employees have had, and this might have been really triggering for people to see something like that pop up, completely out of context, unasked for, that sent them down a bad mental road. Ultimately this was really bad judgment on the part of the employee. I can be compassionate towards her plight, and also say this was a hard but necessary lesson. There are reasons we don’t bring sex into work. I got uncomfortable even hearing my boss mention something about porn the other day — it wasn’t even graphic, but there was just an assumption that “this is something everyone does” and no, it isn’t actually, and some people have very different experiences, positive or negative, even as relates to porn, that can be triggering. We just shouldn’t ever talk about sex at work. Ever. Unless you’re an OBGYN or a sex therapist. I don’t think that’s being prudish; I think it’s just acknowledging there’s a time and place for things, and work is never the time and place for that discussion.

      1. Quill*

        Rule of thumb: everyone involved in any conversation about sex has to have consented to having that conversation about sex.

  23. Robbie*

    I can both easily sympathize for the former employee, who didn’t mean to create an awkward situation (for anyone! It sounds like it was really uncomfortable for others as well), and see that in this case, it is a situation where the relationship needs to be severed. They can’t put the cat back in the bag, and simply forget what has happened.

    Especially during the Era of Zoom, we are unwilling guests into other people’s homes and lives right now. So some flexibility and understanding is necessary for us all. But this for some was just too much, even if there are no clear villains in the story.

  24. miro*

    A lot of people have brought up the possibility of it being a video involving sexism, racism, or other violence/negative attitudes towards a particular identity.

    However, I think that positive (or even neutral) treatment of a given identity/characteristic (whether race, weight, or even just hair color) could create a complicated situation for coworkers of that identity, especially if they make up a minority of staff.

    For instance, I’m disabled and if a coworker shared porn involving someone with my disability, even if it wasn’t demeaning and I was able to put that aside personally it would still make me self-conscious about interacting with that person because I would worry about how other coworkers interpreted the interaction as a result of knowing about the person’s (possible) fetish.

    *** all this with the caveats that I don’t know if this was the situation. I just wanted to make sure we’re considering the impact of positive/neutral handling of identity as well as negative

    1. Eliza*

      Yeah, my thoughts were along similar lines; I’m trans, and trans porn is a seriously sensitive issue among our community. It’s not fun having to wonder whether a coworker thinks of you as a fetish object.

  25. Not Straight*

    There is a lot of straight, cis, vanilla privilege in these comments.

    I am a queer woman and my wife is trans. And there are people in my company who probably find that disturbing. And it’s something I could have lost my job for for years if coworkers found out about it.

    I get that some people find BDSM(and I’m talking consensual) disturbing. But I wonder if those same people think I should leave my job when people are disturbed when they realize my wife is trans. And let me tell you that I’m positive that some of that disturbedness is because they define the relationship sexually in their own minds and start thinking about people’s bits. I know this because people are very up front and rude about their questions.

    So if coworkers wouldn’t want to work with someone because they found out the person was into BDSM because it bothered them then do you think coworkers who wouldn’t want to work with me because my wife was trans and that has something to do with sex are right as well?

    I get that sex lives should be private. But people who are cis, straight, and vanilla get to say all kinds of things that people assume mean sex or sexually related things and people who are not cis and are a little more spicy can’t. So while I get seeing a video is different keep in mind that if you would be disturbed because you know one thing about a persons sex life know that there are people who are disturbed working with me because they assume they know things about my sex life. And if one is wrong they both are wrong. And if you think both are right well. . .. we have a different moral base that I don’t think a productive conversation can come from.

    1. Jenny*

      I don’t think this is an apt comparison at all. This has nothing to do with kink shaming but rather that porn was shared. Plenty of coworkers would not be happy with someone sharing the most vanilla hetetonormative porn possible. It’s not about the kink, it’s that explicit sexual content was shared at work.

    2. Chinook*

      My problem would never be with what you do in your private life. My issue is that I was forced to take part in a sexual activity (and it is hard to argue that watching porn is not a sexual activity (except in specific, work related cases)) without my consent! I am glad that this was all resolved with minimal drama and I don’t think the person should have been fired for doing so accidentally (though IT should have been asked to verify their activity to ensure it was an accident. If porn at work is regular, there would be traces), but I understand why she left due to mortification.

      But it still is a huge thing to be involved in something sexual without your consent. Whether or not the individual was ok with it after the fact may make it less traumatic, but if someone, for example, accidentally grabbed my breast and no one though it was a big deal and I should get over it or think that I am overreacting (and the only way I could defend myself is to out my personal history or defend my personal beliefs that have not shown up in any other interaction with anyone at the company), I would wonder about what else the company had no problem with. Is this a “bro culture” where anything goes and I am required to ignore it because it was a mistake or just a joke? Is there anyone that, once they see where a boundary has been bent, that is going to push it further? Do I have reason to be cautious about what else I am going to find in group chat?

      Being CIS, straight and vanilla is not a crime either (and not a small minority) and I should expect that the average workplace would be safe for someone like me without wondering if/when I will have someone make me watch porn again (and a group chat where work related info is passed on is something that is always on while I work, so it is not like I can’t look at it as I would a random pop-up or even email with a specifically written subject line). It is not asking for someone to hide their relationship, it is asking that sexual activity not be a regular part of a normal work environment (except of course when it is and every one knows when they walk in the door).

      1. FormerCriminalLawyer*

        So, a few things here.

        -Grabbing someone’s breast without their consent is illegal – it is assault. Sending legal porn to someone over 18 is not illegal. It is most certainly highly inappropriate in a work setting, but it is not illegal. If it crosses the line into harassment that is different, but this workplace determined it was not harassment, so this was not an illegal act.

        -There is absolutely nothing wrong with being cis, straight, and vanilla. Nobody said there was.

        -There is no connection between your identity as a cis, straight, vanilla person and your desire not to see porn at work. I do not share your identity, and I also desire not to be exposed to porn at work.

        -A one-time accidental link share is much different from having sexual activity be “a regular part of a normal work environment.”

        The point being made is that the language used to describe folks being uncomfortable working with someone who’s into “that” stuff (whatever it is) is the same language that has been used to exclude folks from workplaces for other parts of their private lives. It’s the same thing people say when they’re just more “comfortable” with a male treasurer in a social group, or a hairdresser of their same race/gender. Comfort is how we justify our own biases. There are definitely times when discomfort is entirely justified (harassment for one), but this isn’t it, or at least, this isn’t a situation in which one employee’s discomfort should (directly or otherwise) exclude another from the workplace.

        1. Chinook*

          For someone who chooses to not view porn to suddenly have it osted to a work chat is in my mind some type of assau,t in the same way using racist slurs are. And someone grabbing a woman’s breast is not always illegal. All of these issues vary in seriousness primarily based on intent. In thi case, the original poster’s only saving grace is that this was accidental (which is why my heart goes out to her and I firmly believe that this is NOT a fireable offense). But it is also such a memorable faux pas that I can guarantee that this will becoming company legend, so I can understand why she chose to leave.

          But people were still subjected to explicit sexual content in the workplace. Their reactions to it can be as harsh as they want as they never granted consent. They are seeing their boss act like is no big deal, which has the implication that they could beseen as whiners/complainers/prudes/drama queens/troublemakers (take your pick) or risk their job if they complained.

          Many on thise site are trying to guess the tyoe of porn as if it would be more or less acceptable when that is not the case. I am allowed to expect a work environment without any. And saying someone is “cis, straight, vanilla person” is often used as a way to demean someone as being small minded or sexually inhibited. It is definitely not a term that most of those who fall in that group have chosen for themselves.

          As for the part about wondering what I would see next in a text chat, if I were a coworker and it was not made explicitly clear that the incident was a) and accident b) against company policy and c) will not happen again, I have no reason to believe it won’t. There is always that person who toes the line of acceptable behaviour who has now been shown that this can happen accidentally and it will be treated as no big deal or, even worse, that those who have an issue with it will be called small minded. By not stepping up and saying something explicit, she has created an environment where sexual material could be seen as acceptable.

          Plus, there is a white collar bias at play. If this had happenned on the shop floor with a bunch of welders, can you tell me that you would react just as openly?

          1. Chinook*

            I also want to ask how this accidental porn incident is less worse than the “accidentally showed he was masturbating during a zoom meeting” incident that got someone publicly fired in the U.S. If both are accidents non-consensually showing sexual acts, why is one a punishable firing offense while the other something that the coworkers should move on from and forget (regardless of how it made them feel)?

    3. ...*

      Thats quite a leap. Existing as a trans person is not the same as chatting porn to your co-worker. If someone feels that way, then I agree that’s extremely wack. But I think its quite a serious stretch to say that people who were disturbed by what, by the OP’s own admission was quite out there porn, as somehow transphobic or just not accepting enough of other types of people.

    4. Oatmeal*

      The dynamic you’re talking about definitely exist. Queer people are sexualized to an Nth degree and trans people are reduced to their genitals even more. It’s not quite the same thing, though. Really it’s people who question you about your wife’s genitals (I’m trans and get too many questions about mine so I assume you two do as well) that bring in sex, so the analogy is more that you shouldn’t have to face that question at work (anywhere, obviously), just like you shouldn’t see porn links pop up in Slack. But so much of this is not talked about and cis straight people don’t have a clue so I understand your line of thinking.

    5. JM60*

      I think the previous replies to you are making an important point, but are somewhat missing your point. Of course the act of sharing graphic porn without your consent is a problem (which I presume you’d agree with). However, I think your main point revolves around mere knowledge that someone is into BDSM (or other fetishes).

      Obviously, people shouldn’t be making their fetishes known at work, but I think people are unfairly judgmental towards others who have certain fetishes (whether they discover a particular person has one of those fetishes or not).

    6. FormerCriminalLawyer*

      THANK YOU! I came to the comments section to say this. Many of these comments employ the same type of language that has driven openly gay/trans/non-conforming folks out of workplaces for decades. As long as the employee can do their job professionally, it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable their personal life makes any other employee. There are obvious exceptions (white supremacists come to mind) but this argument of “I’d look at someone differently if I knew what they were into in bed, and therefore I can’t work with them the same” is ridiculous.

      To those who respond that they don’t think this is a fair comparison – well, I’m going to bet you’re white, straight, and generally lead a life few would deem “controversial.” (Though if you’re a married woman, remember that about 50 years ago you’d likely be fired as soon as you got married because “a woman’s place was in the home.”)

      The company clearly had no policy that was broken, the employee’s manager had no problem with the employee’s work, this was not part of a pattern of problems with the employee. The company decided it was fine not to terminate the employee, and the rest of their coworkers needed to get with the program and move on. This has nothing to do with shaming those who don’t want to see porn. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, and to want not to see things they find disturbing at work. I don’t want to see porn at work, I don’t want to know what my coworkers are into in the bedroom, but I recognize that if somehow I DID encounter that information any discomfort I felt is my own discomfort, and not the fault of the other person. I’d feel incredibly offended if I had to listen to a coworker talk about their support for our President and some of his policies, and I would definitely feel differently about working with that person, but I’d figure out a way to be professional and move forward.

      As much as we strive to shield ourselves from discomfort, the truth is we will encounter uncomfortable and offensive situations throughout our lives, including in our workplaces. As long as those encounters aren’t illegal, it’s our job to handle our own selves and not project those feelings on others.

    7. Eliza*

      On the other hand, if a cis coworker accidentally posted trans porn in your wife’s work chat, would that really have no effect on the way she interacted with them in future? Because I know that attitudes differ on this subject among trans people, but personally I’d sure have a lot of trouble just acting like it never happened.

      1. FormerCriminalLawyer*

        I’m not trans, but I am a part of the LGBTQ community. I have been in a similar situation recently – a coworker unlocked his phone during a zoom call in our small working group, and it automatically started playing porn I could tell related to my own identity. He was embarrassed, muted himself immediately, and essentially threw his phone across the room. It was just audio, not video, but it was pretty obnoxious. I won’t go so far as to say I was offended, but it raises questions about my coworker’s judgment. However, I know him to be a respectful coworker who has never treated me differently based on my identity, and I have a HR department that would crack down immediately if I felt this was harassment or it became a pattern. If he’d made comments about my identity in the past, or I felt he treated me differently as a result, then maybe that situation would have a different context. That’s the key – context. I won’t say I interact with my coworker the exact same way, but I’m certainly not uncomfortable around him, nor do I think he should resign in shame. He just needs to get much smarter about technology (work from home is his literal nightmare – he’s significantly technologically inept).

        1. Eliza*

          Yeah, our contexts are definitely different. I don’t think I can confidently say I’ve *ever* had a coworker, or really anyone else in my life, who has “never treated me differently based on my identity”.

    8. Elsajeni*

      I get where you’re going with this, but I think there’s a big difference between knowing (or believing you know) something about your coworker’s sex life or sexual interests because you know who they’re dating or married to and have drawn conclusions about that person’s sexual characteristics and what they and your coworker probably do in the bedroom, and knowing something about your coworker’s sexual interests because they linked to a porn video in your work Slack, however accidentally. I just flat disagree with you that there’s any “if one is wrong, they both are wrong” line to be drawn between the two. It is wrong to be disturbed by things you’ve made up about your coworker’s possible sex life; it is not wrong to be disturbed by the porn video your coworker accidentally showed you.

      1. FormerCriminalLawyer*

        Feelings aren’t wrong – usually we can’t control our initial response! What’s wrong though, is refusing to move past those feelings, and treating someone differently because of what you think you know about them. (For all these coworkers know, it WAS a nephew who accidentally got ahold of the phone and posted it! or a virus! or….whatever! Only the manager knows she isn’t going with that story…) You can be as disturbed and upset as you want, but you don’t get to treat anyone differently, gossip about them, or make the workplace so uncomfortable for them that they quit. Once the company has determined they aren’t going to fire the employee for this issue, the coworkers need to pretend to forget about it, and move on. If they can’t, then they can leave the company and work for one that has a zero tolerance policy for these situations!

        1. Booboo*

          No, it isn’t wrong.

          I’m a child sexual abuse survivor. If I discover that someone who’s been very supportive of me actually masturbates to videos simulating child rape, I’m allowed to be uncomfortable and wonder if their supportive questions were actually just using my personal trauma as w**k material (this has actually happened to me in real life).

          As a woman of colour, if I discover a white co-worker gets off on seeing black women being abused and degraded and called the N word, it’s completely reasonable to assume the person might hold racially biased views that would make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe around them.

          Saying that child rape victims and black women need to get fired or see a therapist for having a problem with that is victim blaming and honestly just beyond the pale appalling.

    9. Booboo*

      Genuine question: if you found out a cishet co-worker used porn where transwomen were abused and subjected to transphobic and degrading language, would you really be 100% comfortable with that?

      The posters defending porn, attacking those uncomfortable with being exposed to porn at work, and dismissing the porn as “oh well it was probably just vanilla porn with the odd handcuff” are the ones engaging in cishet privilege.

      (I’m also LGBTQ and POC, and also decidedly non-vanilla.)

      1. pancakes*

        I haven’t seen anyone attack commenters who are uncomfortable with being exposed to porn at work. I haven’t seen anyone say they’re comfortable with being exposed to porn at work, either.

  26. Student*

    Put me in the “offended by any porn at work; would give that co-worker a wide berth and serious side-eye.”

    While I don’t personally care what type of porn it was for my own assessment of this being offensive behavior, I also want to stand up for the people who do find certain types of porn offensive.

    It’s not inherently wrong for a person to enjoy legal porn in their personal life.

    It’s also not inherently wrong for a person to dislike-to-detest porn in their personal life; in specific forms or broadly. I’m in this category.

    It comes off as very preachy and, frankly, ridiculous when posters shame and pathologize those of us who are averse to porn and don’t want anything to do with it. I’m not trying to restrict what you do or shame you for what you enjoy; I am asking you to recognize that not everyone universally embraces all porn in all situations. I think there’s plenty of room for us to co-exist; I promise not to complain about your porn as long as you promise to keep it where I, a stranger or work acquaintance, will not routinely encounter it. I don’t want to spoil your fun – and I expect you not to spoil my fun.

      1. Marie*

        Finally! Another 1000+ for this comment. People/co-workers in that situation were offended and uncomfortable, and the majority of the comments/thread seems to say these co workers are at fault, while tediously speculating and wondering what type of porn offended.

    2. JM60*

      It comes off as very preachy and, frankly, ridiculous when posters shame and pathologize those of us who are averse to porn and don’t want anything to do with it.

      I suspect that people’s own personal feelings toward porn are affecting how they interpret comments. I haven’t seen any comments in this thread shaming or pathologizing people for not wanting anything to do with porn, nor have I seen any posts that I interpret as being pro sharing porn at work! But I may be overlooking things. If there are such posts, perhaps people can quote some of them. I suspect I’m reading the same comments as you, but interpreting them differently.

      On the other hand, I have seen people who seem to be pathologizing those who are interested in certain types of porn, much of which I think is unfair. In cases where those judgmental attitudes are unfair, those attitudes may be problematic whether or not you discover that a particular person is into a particular fetish.

      You’re right about co-existence being possible though.

    3. PersephoneUnderground*

      Yeah, no one’s defending that- I think they’re just saying it should be possible to forgive someone for an accident, without judging them forever for clicking the wrong icon on their phone and apparently not deleting fast enough. Or judging them too harshly for what they posted when the mistake itself was something anyone could make. It might be legitimately hard to forget and move on if it’s something really weird or disturbing, but it also sucks that the woman in question had to quit over this.

    4. RebelwithMouseyHair*

      Yes, this. I’m very glad we don’t have the details because then people would be trying to reason with us that it’s OK, practically vanilla, and we are prudes. I have friends spanning the entire arc of the rainbow, I just don’t want to know what they do in bed, just as I don’t want to know what my het friends do in bed, and don’t want any of them to know what happens in mine.
      While I understand that many of those on the rainbow suffer from prejudice, prude-shaming is not going help anyone.

  27. NoName*

    This really is such a bummer, I feel horrible for this employee. If this happened to me, I would be beyond mortified and would be looking at moving to place far, far away.

    I saw people mentioning this on the original post, but this has been a great reminder for me to why employees should say NO when employers ask them to use their personal devices. Especially when it comes to installing apps. It’s become so common these days, and I would really wish we could be better at setting boundaries. This could have all been avoided if the employee has a work dedicated phone.

  28. Firecat*

    Did you shut down the person who brought up the porn like that???? That’s not ok. If I were a new hire who didn’t experience the first issue I would be feeling super uncomfortae having that shared with me second hand.

    1. FormerCriminalLawyer*

      I also wondered the same thing! This sounds like a super gossipy workplace, and I’d hate to work there. Mostly because I’d worry if I unintentionally did something others find offensive, I’d be shamed out of a job.

      1. Jennifer*

        I mean, this is a pretty extreme situation. It wasn’t just porn, but porn that featured some pretty extreme fetishes that people might find shocking, bordering on illegal. That’s beyond just mildly offensive. It sounds like people kept quiet about it for months because the “all porn is great crowd” shamed them into keeping quiet. To me, that’s more problematic than people bringing it up that they were offended by something this ex-employee did.

        3. pancakes*

          “It sounds like people kept quiet about it for months because the ‘all porn is great crowd’ shamed them into keeping quiet.”

          No, that’s a scenario you’ve invented. What the letter describes is people not talking about it until the employee’s name came up in a meeting:

          “…some of my employees felt the same way I did (i.e. sympathetic to her embarrassment and very defensive of her), others were extremely upset and disturbed. There was no middle ground. The ones who were upset told me that they would have felt uncomfortable working with her after seeing her post, and while apparently none of them wanted to say anything to me at the time, I gather that they’re relieved she quit of her own volition.”

          Not wanting to say anything doesn’t mean they were shamed into not saying anything.

  29. Seacalliope*

    My problem with the nonchalant response is that there is no recourse for people who might be disturbed and feel like this was a deliberate exposure. We have heard the excuse “it was an accident” far too many times, or “I know their character and they would never” in reference to sexual harassment. It is probably for the best the employee moved on because I don’t think there were sufficient guardrails for anyone feeling legitimately harassed by this exposure, nor any legitimate means given for her to rehabilitate her image.

    1. RagingADHD*

      Ah, good point.

      “Oh, gee, Whoops! I sure didn’t mean to send you that explicit photo!” is a trope for a reason.

      LW may well trust that it was an accident, and may well be right.

      But a lot of people have had their trust abused before.

      It’s an unfortunate situation all the way around.

      1. EmmaPoet*

        Yeah, if I had a nickel for every time I saw someone “Oops!” a situation like this, well, I’d probably have a Scrooge McDuck sized bank vault full of nickels.

    2. Diahann Carroll*

      This is a very good point and dovetails nicely with the one I made waaaay above. The people who saw this video who don’t work with the now-departed employee don’t know her from Adam – they don’t know her character or what she’s like to work with day-to-day, so they have no way of knowing whether the porn sharing was accidental or if it was someone trying to be “edgy.”

    3. PersephoneUnderground*

      Fair point- usually there’s a pattern involved in those situations, but they can’t know for sure it was an accident when they don’t know her.

    4. EmmaPoet*

      Good point. Someone who doesn’t know her personally only has “posted explicit material in the company chat” to go on, and people who do know an employee personally can still say, “I’m not OK with this.”

  30. LifeBeforeCorona*

    At this point, if any employee brings up the accidental porn story, can you say, that happened in the past and is no longer a topic for discussion? I know workplaces all have their stories, but considering the topic, it should be discouraged from becoming part of the company lore. Someone may decide that it’s a hostile workplace if they are regaled with the story. Also, it’s just unkind to the employee even though she is gone.

    1. Chinook*

      You can also reiterate yoyr company’s computer use policy (if you didn’t have one before, you should now) and say something about how accidents happen but now everyone who was there knows what NOT to do. If I was new, I would need reassurance that this red flag was just a one-off and not a sign of deeper problems.

  31. FormerCriminalLawyer*

    Something I think is missing from this conversation at this point is that we could ALL one day be in this employee’s shoes. Maybe not porn-related, but there are so many things that could go wrong (especially in this WFH environment) that we really should try to refrain from judgment. I’m sure we can all think of at least one possible nightmarish situation (anyone remember the post from the woman who thought she’d disconnected from Zoom, only to find out she’d undressed in front of her coworkers?). My department is going through something very similar right now, and that’s what we keep repeating to ourselves. Within our working groups, whenever the issue comes up someone always reminds everyone else that we need to address the situation how we’d want it addressed if it were reversed. We can only control our own feelings and reactions, and by putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, we are showing true compassion for others.

    1. Chinook*

      That is why my sympathy is with the employee. I have learned about a bug when monitoring students’ screens with TeamViewer. Turns out that, if I copy a line on my screen at the same one of the students is pasting on their computer, they will paste what I copied. I discovered this while doing a report about why a student couldn’t move on tonthe next class. I have never moved so fast to delete something when I heard someone reading out what I had wrote. But it it is still my responsibility that this happenned (an I have notified pther teachers of this bug), intent aside. That is what it means to be a professional.

    2. Roci*

      But I think the key difference that people are getting hung up on, is that while yes, anyone can accidentally share something embarrassing with unintended audiences, not everyone consumes niche controversial porn. I think people would be more likely to forget/forgive something more commonplace like a coworker forgetting to turn off video or a relative not realizing their on camera, than a very strange, very extreme thing. Like you Zoom your coworker and they don’t realize their tentacle porn poster is in the shot.

  32. Rectilinear Propagation*

    Or to petition for these kinds of sites to remove the sharing option altogether, I suppose.

    OH! So, if this was the result of a share feature on the site I’m wondering if the link she posted to the chat was obfuscated by an URL shortener. I’d originally floated the idea that they thought they were sharing a link to one thing but it went to something else instead, thus explaining why/how a bunch of people ended up clicking on a link to porn.

    But if the porn site shortened the link (and don’t use their own shortening service but used something like bitly), then yeah they SHOULD stop doing that. I get the need to make URLs shorter but they shouldn’t hide where the link is going to. It would have been obvious the employee accidentally posted a link to porn, and that still would have been bad, but not as bad as people having to click the link first. In fact, had the URL been obvious, the employee might have been able to catch the mistake in time to fix it.

    Also: in addition to her resignation being a relief to her co-workers, the fact that she resigned will be a point in her favor if it ever comes up again with another employer. It will be easier for strangers to believe it was an accident because she voluntarily resigned (before anyone could say anything at that) instead of having to be fired.

  33. Meyers and Briggs were not real doctors*

    Huh, has no one mentioned office sex porn? Cuz THAT could be… hilarious?

  34. Applecake*

    Realistically I really don’t see how the employee could have returned to the office as if nothing had happened. I think it best that they have moved on.

    OP I don’t think you should take any action now but I think you need to consider whether your response to this incident has impacted your team’s (as a whole or individuals) perception of you.

    If a co-worker posted inappropriate material in a group chat, and my boss went out of their way to try sweep it all under the rug it’s raise eyebrows. If I found the material not just inappropriate but also offensive (especially if it depicted a group I identified with in a way I found degrading) I’d be questioning whether you’d take appropriate action in the case of sexual harassment or other serious complaints. You now know that the material was not just not work appropriate, but also offensive to some of your staff. It’s worth thinking through how your response would have come across to those staff.

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