Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My company is doing drive-bys to check that I’m in isolation

Thanks for your advice and for the feedback from the lovely comments section.

The drive-bys stopped two days after I wrote to you, actually. I found out weeks later that the boss that I had looped in had told them to both knock it off and apologize for making me uncomfortable. Apparently my stalker-boss called it ridiculous but as I said, the checks did stop, although that’s not the end of the story.

About a week after my return to work my stalker-boss scheduled a performance review for a project we were concluding. Instead of discussing the project, they pressed me intensely to critique their management style and apologized vaguely for anything they may have done at any time that I may have taken offense to. It was a very strange meeting, and although it was probably the perfect time to bring up the interactions using your scripts, I just didn’t feel comfortable doing that in the context of a performance review. I had already decided before I returned to work to call it an extreme pandemic panic response, extend some grace and let everyone move on.

My other co-workers were pulled in for performance reviews/cross-examinations as well. We found out later that stalker-boss had gone for a promotion but was denied. Apparently one of the concerns raised was poor employee satisfaction and it seems now like stalker-boss was searching for someone to blame. Because the incident I wrote to you about was so fresh, I became that person. Since then things have been frosty with that boss. It may have been a blessing in disguise though – having a difficult relationship with them pushed me more towards working with my other boss and I’ve taken on projects that have substantially expanded my skill set and which I’ve really enjoyed. And although I didn’t use the responses you gave me for my own letter, I’ve been using scripts and advice you’ve given to other letter-writers about difficult bosses, neutralizing tense interactions, and setting boundaries.

Since you published that letter, I think about the comments occasionally and I wonder how the responses might have been different if it had been published at different points in the pandemic. I think by now we’ve all had some practice at extending the benefit of the doubt during difficult times and I believe I might have gotten more comments in that vein if it had been published later. Even I look at it a bit like that now – the first in many very odd and painfully human responses to the stress of the pandemic.

Lastly, some commenters were concerned about how my boss knew my address. I live in company housing in a small town. Everyone knows everyone, and everyone knows where everyone lives, so it didn’t even register to me that it might be a weird thing to know until I read those comments.

2. My coworker won’t stop declaring his feelings for me (#3 at the link)

I was quite lucky with how my situation got resolved. We closed in March due to Covid and furloughed all the part-time staff, including Jack. Then he moved to another state for family reasons before we officially reopened for the summer. He only briefly came in to turn in his key and say goodbye to the full-timers. Coincidentally, I’ve recently accepted a position at another organization (thanks askamanager interview tips!), so even if Jack comes back to town to visit, our paths should not cross at all! It was probably the best possible outcome.

Thank you so much for your advice! I recognize that these kinds of situations can sometimes escalate and end poorly. I took to heart the words of your readers who expressed concern for my safety in the comments. I hope my happy ending alleviates some of their worries!

3. My klutzy, unpolished boss is like a bull in a china shop

Your advice was helpful, and some of the comments accurately pointed out that I was letting my own secondhand embarrassment steer my thinking. It was the right move to distance myself from feeling awkward on my boss’ behalf, and instead just letting her do her thing. Some of the more obvious unmannerly details from my original post are not currently issues, since things like catered lunches and big meetings are not happening in this timeline. Agree to disagree with those who commented that licking your fingers in a work meeting is no biggie! The conference call etiquette stuff has, expectedly, gotten way worse with covid, and it is still pretty grating to me. It does affect how our team calls go with our grandboss (I have some other team calls with him that my boss does not join and it is incredible how much more productive and pleasant they are), but I’ve just accepted it’s not my problem. As you said, if it becomes enough of an issue for him to mention, he will do so. She really is great in many other ways, I fear that my letter didn’t adequately give her the credit she deserves, I wouldn’t say your advice changed anyone’s behavior, but it did help me stop worrying. Thanks for helping me find my inner zen!

PS – Some of the folks in the comments made assumptions that were a smidge off-base. Honestly I was too intimidated by the volume and intensity to really engage, but I suppose some helpful context would have been this: she spent most of her career as a freelancer, and her transition back into the “formal” workplace was a new and relatively recent career change for her. When I wrote in we were in the midst of presenting some high profile strategic plans, and were face-to-face with the highest level of leadership at our organization. Prior to that we had been more insulated, so much of my worry about manners and etiquette stemmed from my concern that those individuals either wouldn’t take us and our preojects seriously or wouldn’t respect her (very good!) ideas because of their presentation. Those plans were scrapped because of covid, so I don’t really know if my concern was warranted or not. I agree that it’s rad that a woman in her middle age can be at a high level and enjoy a successful career, whilst remaining her comfortable, klutzy self!

4. I was fired for “poor performance” after years of glowing feedback (#2 at the link)

Thank you again for posting my letter. It was really heartwarming to see that I am not alone during this difficult time.

I am happy to say that within one week of getting let go due to “poor performance,” I received and accepted an offer at a company for a “step-up” position, a much higher salary (twice my old salary), a fully remote/work from home position, and much better hours (35 hours per week during normal business hours).

I am thankful for your and the rest of the AMM community’s support during this difficult time. At the time, it seemed really horrible and I was wondering how I was ever going to get past this nightmare, but three weeks later, I can honestly say that getting let go was the best thing that happened to me. I had a two week break after I accepted the offer and I am looking forward to starting my new position on Monday!

For other AMM community members who are still looking for new opportunities during these trying times, do not give up. The AMM community is here to support you and we will all get through this together!