updates: the bag of garbage, the revenge porn, and more

by Alison Green on December 14, 2020

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My team sent me a bag of garbage while I was recovering from surgery

I can’t remember if I ever sent a formal update to getting a bag of garbage from my terrible ex-manager.

I had a small update in the post, re: the most awkward team conference call the next day. Regina really did think I would play along, asking how I liked my gift in a joking tone and I straight up said I didn’t understand or appreciate the “gift,” nor could I get down the stairs to dispose of it and had to send it with the coworkers. Who I then thanked warmly for the actual gift they gave. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature response, but honestly I hit the ground hard as soon as I could (metaphorically, the surgery really did knock a lot out of me) looking for a new job. I spent a few weeks resting up and getting my work done, but refused anything above and beyond my role. Which might sound terrible, but Regina had a bad habit of promising the actual impossible, like a custom, usable typeface designed in an afternoon, or a massive marketing campaign (she actually referenced major artist launch campaigns, like Taylor Swift) executed in under a week with no budget. I wish I was exaggerating.

It will surprise exactly no one that a small, family-run firm is not a great place to work. Between the agents doing lines in the bathroom, throwing metal staplers around the office, to Regina calling up random employees to loudly berate them on the phone (none of the office walls reached the ceiling, so you could hear everything) and talking about how hard she partied with the artists we represented (I have never heard so many stories about vomiting in the street in my life). It was definitely… something.

Anyway, I handed in my two weeks notice a couple months after the garbage incident. Regina was weird the whole time, vacillating between super bitter “I hope you ENJOY your next job because I’ll be STUCK HERE FOREVER,” and weird weepy declarations of how much they’d miss me, accompanied by awkward hugs.

I stayed in touch with a few coworkers, all of whom left shortly after I did. We still chat every now and then, sometimes to make sure it all actually happened and wasn’t a collective fever dream.

I’m happily working back in tech, full-time remote. I’ve worked a couple gigs over the past five years, and while #startuplife can be a little bro-y, the worst I’ve had to deal with gift-wise was the rise and fall of branded popsockets.

2. Someone sent our company revenge porn of our employee

I don’t want to go into too much detail to protect the staff member’s privacy and dignity, but it turned out that it was not the first time the person who emailed me had harassed her, and actions are being taken (on her initiative) by the relevant authorities. It seems obvious in retrospect but I didn’t think of it at the time so your advice that it might be part of a pattern (and your thoughts and commenters’ on how to handle the email itself, i.e. not destroying the original) was really helpful.

3. Telling a low-performer we’re not giving her a new project she wants (#2 at the link, first update here)

Writing in and hearing all the commenters really helped me get serious about actively addressing my low performer’s work issues. It was a very long slog, with a lot of roadblocks thrown up by senior management who preferred avoiding the problem, government civil service procedures, baseless accusations of discrimination…frankly it’s been absolute trial by fire in my first time supervisor role and I wanted to quit so many times. But a year ago we had some major turnover in senior management and the new leadership were so much more supportive of holding staff accountable. I’ve been able to consistently move forward the process of terminating her. Even with very explicit warnings and formal discipline steps taken she really did not get how serious it was for months. But, she finally figured out this week that she really would be fired in the next two months and she resigned. I genuinely hope she finds something that she enjoys and is a good fit for her her skills. The work of office just truly did not fit.

Even though I won’t be able to immediately fill the role due to COVID hiring freezes, it’s a huge relief. The temporary vacancy is better than an employee that is such a poor fit for the role. And I’m so excited to start planning ways we can really grow the projects she was assigned with a new staff person next year, when they have been at best limping along.

I learned SO MUCH from the whole process. One of the things I learned was how much I enjoy staff training. I’ve taken on more of that work doing parts of the onboarding training for all new staff, a lot of which came out of the remedial training materials I developed for her. I continue to religiously follow your blog and always feel like you and the comment community have so much to offer me as I grow into a better manager.

4. Am I really supposed to bug my coworkers to get my projects handled?

Thankfully, it’s been pretty quiet since I was finally able to move out again in October. This has lead to a dramatic decrease in how often my mom and I talk about my work habits, among other things we would work each other up over. We do not make good roommates for one another. I did talk to my boss if there was any other way he wanted me to prioritize my work, and he said that he was more than happy with the way I was handling it. So at least I have that in my back pocket if she decides to bring up the topic again.

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{ 25 comments }

{ 25 comments… read them below }

  1. Lady Heather*

    OP1, was your company, by any chance, featured in The Wolf of Wall Street?

    Only I can picture all of the things you describe happening right there in that movie.

    1. Lady Heather*

      *It’s only that I can picture .all of the things you describe happening right there in that movie.

    2. OP #1*

      The entertainment industry!

      It definitely put me off both small business and anywhere that has really aggressive sales/agents.

        1. Slow Gin Lizz*

          I actually feel like *throwing metal staplers around the office* is worse. I’m not likely to receive bodily harm from someone doing lines, but metal staplers??? YIKES.

  2. AnonNurse*

    There are truly no words for the how awful those people were to you, OP #1. I just absolutely can’t imagine anyone EVER thinking something like that would be anything other than ridiculously cruel. And I have an odd, dark, out there sense of humor!! Anyway, I’m glad you’re out of there and thank you for the update!

    1. Artemesia*

      I have given and gotten the occasional joke gift and given and gotten the occasional prank — but I am not seeing what could possibly be funny about this even if they were not already ugly monsters. Glad you are out of there.

  3. Daffy Duck*

    I’m very glad the revenge porn employee has been working with the authorities to deal with her harasser. Here’s hoping the book gets thrown at the person doing this.

  4. The Man, Becky Lynch*

    Damn. That trash story takes me back to junior high and the “gag gift” for a Christmas exchange that included receiving dog biscuits at youth group. Some people never grow up or develop a sense of humor, yuck.

    It was very much the right way to address it. Someone did something not funny, you let them know the joke fell flat. It’s not immature to tell them that their rude joke wasn’t appreciated.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      “Maybe it wasn’t the most mature response…”

      I think OP had the perfect response, too, and it wasn’t immature at all. The immaturity is on the part of the coworkers.

  5. Junior Dev*

    I always wonder about people who give “prank” or “joke” gifts; unless it’s explicitly an event about doing that, or you have a close relationship with someone such that you know it’ll land, it seems like a terrible idea.

    My friend just told me a cute story about the “right” way to give a joke gift: their parents got them two gifts and told them to open the smaller one first. They’d been asking for a stand mixer. They opened the first gift and it was…a Christmas ornament of a stand mixer. Their parents acted as though this was the “actual” gift they wanted, right up until they opened the second gift, which was a real stand mixer :)

    1. NotQuiteAnonForThis*

      I stopped wondering about them in middle school, when I realized that couching something mean as a “prank” simply gave license to bullies to be mean. And they did.

    2. DefinitelyEnoughDetailToBeIdentified*

      There’s a difference between “prank” gifts and “joke” gifts. We got a colleague who was leaving a joke gift – along the lines of a mug quoting “accountants do it by numbers”. Lame joke, but still a joke. And an obvious joke.
      (and for the record we also got him a crate of craft beer that we knew he likes and an experience day gift card for him and his wife)

      We’ve never, and would never, do prank gifts.

      1. Glitsy Gus*

        Exactly! In this case, a “joke” gift would be to get one of those extendable grabber claw things since they know OP might have a hard time reaching stuff for a while. That’s an office appropriate joke, something that is kind of funny but will actually serve a purpose and not make OP feel bad. Not actual trash, actual trash is never a funny joke.

  6. Des*

    re: revenge port update
    >actions are being taken (on her initiative)

    I’m so glad. And good on you LW for helping her.

  7. Thankful for AAM*

    I agree with others, the garbage “prank” was just awful. I’m so glad the OP is out of there but I really wanted the pranksters to get some kind of comeuppance!

    1. OP #1*

      In the long run, I think her comeuppance is that she’s still working there, in the same position, years later. She was extremely salty that I “got to leave.”

  8. Erin*

    I’m still just plain old SMH on that bag of garbage! (What in the actual??) Thank you to the original poster for the update!!

  9. The_artist_formerly_known_as_Anon-2*

    I can remember giving a gag gift to a co-worker – I used to joke with him about his car (mechanical) – and finally gave him a “Repair Kit” – with a wrapper indicating that it was a car repair kit. When he opened it, there was a box of Bazooka bubble-gum — with a gift card inside it.

    Well, that’s the FUN part of gag gifting, and no one gets offended at that.

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