weekend open thread – January 16-17, 2021

by Alison Green on January 16, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Dear Mrs. Bird, by AJ Pearce. Set in London during World War II, it’s about a young woman who hopes to become a journalist but accidentally ends up as the assistant to a ladies’ advice columnist … and begins to secretly write back to letter writers whose troubles the columnist deems too unpleasant to answer.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    3. Anono-me*

      This photo looks like it should be in a fantasy/fairytale book as an illustration of the elf or fairy godmother character in their ‘animal glamor’ guise.

    4. sierraseven*

      That coat color is known as “clouded tortoise-shell” – if the markings are in larger patches, it’s “clouded calico”. It’s a rare and lovely mutation.

  2. The Third Lorelei*

    Someone recently recommended a passion planner to me and after checking it out, I decided to get one to focus on my mental and physical health. Can anyone share experiences with using a physical planner like this to track the trajectory of your well being i.e. not professional goals? What do you like about using it? Trying to orient myself away from my computer and screens is a challenge but I’m looking forward to it because I had way too much of that in 2020.

    1. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Not quite the same but I use a Kanban I made out of some packing materials, it’s just a white board about the size of a magazine cover and at the top are three column headers: to do, WIP,.done. I put goals on post it notes and move them across the board. You can do it online but the physical aspect seems to make it more tangible.

    2. Holly the spa pro*

      I started a bullet journal this year, so very similar to your passion planner but i made the layouts myself. Personally, ive always struggled with digital planners. I think the act of writing stuff down helps me retain and focus. With things like habit tracking, i find the ritual of filling it out everyday is motivating. Im experimenting with time blocking this year. This month has been “this is how i think/want to meter out my time vs how i actually spend my time, get off track, etc” it has been really helpful to see where my day is actually going, where i get off track, etc without the self punishment of “where the hell did your day go, what are you doing with your life?”

      I have found that so far its a blend of my personal/mental health/habit goals as well as tracking work, to-do lists and appointments. Plus i like drawing the spreads for the months. :)

      Good luck, plz share your progress.

    3. Fellow Traveller*

      I don’t have a planner, just a notebook that I use to keep track of life (which, I guess makes it a planner).
      I’ve started marking a page at the beginning of each week to track certain habits. I’ve been taking the (free!) The Science of Well Being course on Coursera and every week, you are given “rewirements” to work on- that is things that are scientifically proven to improve well being. So I’ve been tracking these rewirement assignments in my notebook to try to get them to be better habits and be a little accountable. The categories so far are; Savoring, gratitude, connecting with someone, acts of kindness, sleep, and exercise. So I have a 7×6 grid (7 days of the week x 6 rewirements) where every morning I made a note in each rewirement category of how I did the previous day. I like looking at these actions across the week- it’s a good overview, but not such a long period of time that I make excuses and procrastinate.
      (The course actually comes with downloadable templates for tracking these things which include space to journal about how you feel about your progress.)
      I also track each days’ reading, outside time, listening to music, and whether I floss.
      Anyhow every morning, while I eat breakfast, I will fill out my grid, write in my journal and then use block my day. I find it very soothing.

    4. (A different) Susan*

      I’ve used a passion planner for the last 5 years and love the particular organization of that tool. It only works as well as you use it, of course, but that is designed to support you through the process. I got through a divorce, managed a workforce job for the first time in a decade, bought a house, and got my LMSW (professional license) with that!

    5. Galloping Gargoyles*

      I’m not sure what a passion planner is but I order my paper planner from Plum Paper because you can completely customize the headings. These are my customizations:

      CUSTOM SECTIONS
      TO-DO
      VERSE
      WORK
      HOME
      WORKOUT
      MEALS
      GOALS
      GRATITUDE

  3. Newbie*

    Any recs for breathing exercises or calming relaxation techniques, preferably on Spotify or YouTube? I’m not looking for intense meditation guides, just something to help winding down at the evening.

    1. Might Be Spam*

      I’ve been using Insight Timer to relax at night. It has a wide variety of meditation topics. I go back and forth between the muscle relaxation and the anxiety meditations depending on why I can’t sleep.

    2. Kathlynn (canada)*

      I listen to cats purring sometimes on youtube. Calms me down if I’m stressing out too much (nope, don’t have any atm. nor plan to get any soon)

    3. Nela*

      Yoga Nidra is a relaxation technique that comes in many varieties, from just the basic muscle relaxation to more involved visualization. I downloaded a few audios by Lily Goncalves that I listen to occasionally, she has a YouTube channel as well. I tried different folks but usually their voice or their background music bothers me.

      If you’re just looking for some gentle background sounds and not something you need to focus on, check out ASMR channels. I particularly like WhispersRed, Lune Innate, and Dimitri / Massage ASMR (his singing bowl videos). If you like Tibetan singing bowls, there’s a channel called Temple Sounds that I used to listen to.

    5. Purt’s Peas*

      I really really like alternate nostril breathing—I actually use it every night before sleeping. I was introduced to it by Yoga with Adriene’s video so I will recommend that.

    6. Mephyle*

      The 4-7-8 breathing method. You don’t need an app, just breathe and count to yourself. I will post a link in the following comment.

    7. Frankie Bergstein*

      I really like Belleruth Naperstek’s recorded visualizations and affirmations. These are albums available on Spotify.

    8. Mephyle*

      I have found that the absolutely best calming audio for me is a video on Youtube called “Anxiety Interruption Technique: Experimental ASMR with Hypnosis (Medical Role Play)” posted by Jellybean Green ASMR in October, 2019. I downloaded the audio track from it and carry it on my devices.
      The reason I think it works so well is that unlike most relaxation and calming scripts, it doesn’t tell you anything like “don’t think about your worries and cares” – that immediately starts me thinking about my worries and cares, and it doesn’t talk about attempting to fall asleep – that immediately starts me thinking about sleeplessness.
      But try it yourself to see – she says herself in the introduction, “This particular technique will work very well for some people, but not for everyone.”

    9. Dwight Schrute*

      YES I love the video ( I think it’s a Ted talk ) on whiskey breathing. It seriously helps me so much. It’s the Lucas Rockwood video. It’s memorable, and helpful

    10. memyselfandi*

      My favorite is listening to an audio book. It’s a version of a bedtime story. There are a couple of podcasts that read stories to help you sleep, but most of them add ambient sound, which I don’t like, so I have switched to some free online audio books. Libra Vox is one and Lit2Go at U of So Florida is another. I just listened to David Copperfield, which I had never read. Right now I am listening to Sherlock Homes. They are familiar stories, but charming. I am not sure if the difference is real, but it seems to me that books written during an era when reading aloud was a common past time are best. Getting someone with a good voice is also challenging. Another free source is Hoopla, if your public library subscribes.

      1. Not playing your game anymore*

        Yes I have a whole collection of audio books I’ve listened to before, that I listen to at bed time. So calming and soothing.

        1. Buzzbattlecat*

          Yes! All the Golden Age mysteries are available on YouTube, like Agatha Christie and Ngaio Marsh.
          If I’m struggling to sleep, thunderstorm sounds are my go to.

    12. Learning to Breathe*

      If you want to relax your body along with your breathing, checkout intro videos for Qiyong or Tai Chi. There’s videos as short at 5min on youtube (plus some longer ones). It really helped me when I was dealing with a bunch of work stress.

    13. louise*

      I like the guided sleep meditation podcast Tracks to Relax. I get via the Apple podcast app but believe it’s available on all platforms.

    14. Roci*

      The Meditation Minis Podcast- great simple meditations under 10 min each, I’m not sure if she is on Spotify or YouTube but should be anywhere you get podcasts.
      Jason Stephenson on YouTube–Floating in Space is my favorite
      also the entire world of ASMR on YouTube. There is so so so much nowadays!
      There are also Bedtime Stories for Grownups, the French Whisperer (also on Spotify), and audio books of Sherlock Holmes mysteries and so on. These aren’t relaxation techniques per se, but they talk calmly and quietly so your brain has something to latch on to and you can fall asleep while you listen. Like having a bedtime story read to you.

      1. Roci*

        Oh also the Tide app has some breathing exercises as well as meditations.
        You can even use it as a pomodoro timer at work.

  4. Might Be Spam*

    Since I am not going anywhere anyway, this seems like a good time to grow out my roots and I have mixed feelings about it. I now have 4 inches of gray/white and 8 inches of dark brown. The gray/white part is definitely healthier than the dyed part. Eventually I’ll have to cut off the brown and I will miss having long hair, even though I know it will grow. Now I’m having second thoughts because I’m afraid of looking older.

    Have you made any pandemic changes and how is it going?

    1. Kate*

      I decided I needed a change, and got bangs.

      I figured that if it didn’t work out, I could grow them out at home and no one would be the wiser.

      Yeah, good thing on that. Bangs were a terrible choice. I now see why I hadn’t had any since I was 12.

    2. Not Australian*

      I started experimenting with dyeing my own hair. I started out with a deep purple colour, very similar to what my stylist has used in the past, and it was successful, so I then went bolder and tried blue. That was a bit disappointing as it turned out blue-black rather than a real blue. [The real colour of my hair a sludgy brown which I’ve always hated, mixed with increasing amount of white which I rather like.] I’m seriously considering green next. I figure this is the ideal time to get creative, and the very few people who see me really don’t care how I look.

      1. Longtime Lurker*

        Same! Except I left the very front of my hair ( an inch or two on the sides and 3 or 4 on top “natural”) – depending on what background I choose for video calls, I can still pass for professional when I need to!

    3. Erika22*

      If you’re ok waiting until salons are open again, you could talk to your hair stylist about lifting the brown out and dyeing your hair to match your roots, rather than just cutting it off. I’ve seen pictures and videos of hair stylists working with what sounds like exactly your hair, and just leaning into the gray/silver color while keeping the length so you don’t need to worry about that transition period. I don’t think I’m explaining this very well, but if you Google it you may find examples. The ones I’ve seen are really nice looking, and the hair always looks so healthy and young despite being silver/gray.

    4. Doctor is In*

      4 inches should be long enough for a cute new style! Bet you will love having low maintenance hair.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      No changes to my hair, but I’ve stopped wearing makeup. It originally started because I had surgery in March and was recovering for a few months. Those first few months were the start of the pandemic, so I definitely wasn’t going anywhere except the pharmacy or grocery store. Then my company sent everyone home to work and we’ve been home ever since. I got used to not wearing makeup and now I’ve decided I won’t wear it anymore unless I’m going out for a nice dinner or something. If we have to go back to the office, I’m hoping I won’t chicken out and start wearing it again. I almost tried it before the pandemic, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go without makeup at work. I felt like I looked very washed out and just unpolished.

    6. Asenath*

      I stopped getting my hair cut. Initially, it wasn’t possible to get a haircut since all the salons were closed, and I had cured myself of any idea that I could cut my own hair back when I was in my late teens or early twenties. Then when salons re=opened with special precautions, I decided to just get the ends trimmed and tidied a bit. I still haven’t decided “where I’m going with this”, as the hairdresser said, aside from using a hairband to keep it out of my eyes, but I seem to be getting past the really messy period and still going strong. It’s been decades since I had my hair longer than what I suppose you’d call a pixie cut – at that time, I often braided it or put it up in a bun, but it’s not long enough for that yet.

      1. ten four*

        I had a buddy who grew out her pixie for the first time in decades! She just got it shaped into a seriously adorable short shag haircut with bangs; I gather she just asked her stylist to try something. I’ve had amazing luck with my stylists picking for me and then at least one DISASTER (and weirdly the luck and the disaster were the same person!). On the other hand, now is a good time to try stuff!

      2. allathian*

        My hair hasn’t been this long since elementary school, it’s long enough to get stuck under my bra straps. I have very thick hair, and for most of my professional life, I’ve worn it in a short bob/long pixie cut with bangs. Now I’ve grown my bangs out and decided that I definitely don’t want to go back to having bangs, even if it means using a hairband to keep it out of my eyes.

        My hair has always been a very washed out color, and I actually like having steaks of gray in it, because it gives my hair more texture. I’m actually hoping I’ll get the slightly bluish tint my mom has in her naturally gray hair.

        I will need to get a haircut at some point to get a nice-looking longer style that I can braid or put in a bun rather than just an overgrown bob.

    7. Hotdog not dog*

      I grew out my hair in 2018. The brown/gray look wasn’t great and I almost gave up a few times but I’m glad I stuck it out. My hair is now several shades ranging from dark gray to silver, and I love it! It ended up looking like I got highlights and lowlights on purpose. It’s much stronger, shinier, and healthier than it’s ever been. If I could change anything I would have done it years earlier.

      1. Gray Panther*

        Absolutely agree, Hotdog. I consider my multiple-grays hair a gift from my parents, both of whom had beautiful gray hair as they aged.

        On the rare occasion that someone points out that I could (emphasis on “could”) dye it, I say, “Are you kidding? Every one of these gray hairs is a souvenir—I earned them!” Sometimes I add, “I’m thinking of naming them!”

    8. Usernames are hard*

      Last spring I dealt with my pandemic stir-crazy (I live alone) by dying my hair with fashion colors. Judging by the difficulty I had getting the supplies, I was not the only one. So far I’ve been turquoise, green and two shades of purple. But the universe had to screw with me: while the purple looks awesome it doesn’t last very long. The green looked ok but lasted for 2 months.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh funny, my experience has been the other way around – green fades out super quick but purple goes through this burgundy-wine stage as it fades and just hangs there for months.

    9. CJM*

      I’m in the same boat as you, although my hair is an inch or two shorter than yours and about half medium brown.

      I have mixed feelings about it all. I had wanted to grow out the gray one day soon, and then the pandemic made it happen. But what next? I’ll decide after I get the vaccine, whenever that will be.

      I’ve been drifting along without a plan. If I made one, it’d be to grow out the gray to chin length. That’s the most flattering length for me. And the gray looks okay for now, although I don’t love it. I don’t want a shorter cut that doesn’t look good on me — just to get rid of the brown hair. So first I’ll get a trim to chin length when I feel safe going back to my hair salon.

      But I may weaken, and vanity may win out. I used to enjoy comments that I look much younger than my age, and I think my brown hair was a big reason for that. And maybe I’ll decide I look washed out in my natural gray color. We’ll see. But I’m tired of dying my hair because of the expense, worries about side effects, and buying into a beauty standard I don’t agree with.

      1. CJM*

        Just to be clear, the beauty standard I don’t agree with is one I’ve heard all my life: gray hair is unattractive. That’s simply not true!

        1. Asenath*

          I agree it’s not true – I just wanted to add that I’d heard conflicting views through my life. My grandmother was firmly opposed to grey hair. She dyed her hair to the end of her days, using those home dying products. And that was it. She wasn’t interested in fashionable hair styles, or make-up, and shocked a conventional friend by almost invariably wearing plain pants and a shirt or sweater. She was horrified when her daughter, my mother, did not dye her hair! She said it wasn’t NECESSARY to go grey! My mother, nevertheless, did not dye her hair which eventually became an attractive white. Between the two role models, I took after my mother, at least as far as my hair was concerned. It’s naturally a kind of light brown (sometimes called dishwater blond) and now is greying nicely. My father also had lovely white hair, so genetics should insure that my hair will eventually be white rather than grey.

          1. CJM*

            Interesting! I think I would have followed your mom’s lead too.

            My mom trained as a hair stylist (but only briefly worked as one) and placed a high value on how her hair looked. She dyed her gray hair a light blond until she was about 80, so my main takeaway from her was “gray looks bad.” When she finally let the gray grow out, it looked great.

            Like your mom’s mom, my mom disapproved when her daughters didn’t follow her standards — not just for dying gray hair but for makeup and clothes too. I rebelled and won’t wear makeup and trendy clothes. But I’ll dye my hair! I wasn’t ready for gray hair when it started appearing when I was about 30, but I hope I am now.

            1. allathian*

              I found my first gray hairs when I was a few days short of my 28th birthday. For about five years, I
              diligently plucked the gray hairs I could find. After that there were too many to bother with… At the time I was living paycheck to paycheck, and it certainly didn’t occur to me to spend what little money I had on dyeing my hair.

              I’ve literally never seen my mom wear any makeup. My parents’ wedding photo is black and white, so I’m not sure if she’s wearing any makeup in it either. Her lips are dark so she may have worn lipstick. My mom has great skin for her age, and in spite of smoking most of her adult life (she quit when my son was born), and in spite of having gray hair, she looks young for her age. I’ve never smoked and I’ve inherited her skin, so we’ll see…

              I rebelled in the other direction and at one point in my 20s I couldn’t take out the trash without putting makeup on. These days I’ll wear foundation cream if I feel especially tired, but otherwise just moisturizer with sunscreen from March to October.

      2. Hotdog not dog*

        I am told that I actually look younger with gray hair than I did with brown. I have green eyes which looked more hazel with the brown hair, but the green really pops with the silver.

        1. CJM*

          Oooh, very interesting! I have hazel eyes and love it when they appear green, which often happens when I wear a green top. (And I often do because it’s my favorite color.)

          I’ll be thrilled if my hazel eyes appear more green once I’m fully gray!

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I have known several women for whom this is very true. Especially if the dye color is very dark. My grandmother dyed her hair for years until she had an unexpected allergic reaction to the dye and had to quit. She looked much younger with grey.

        3. allathian*

          Yeah, dyeing your hair to look younger is another fallacy sold to women to keep us consuming beauty products.

    10. CatPerson*

      Good for you! I never died my hair because of the maintenance required because of roots. My firm opinion is that someone who dies their hair but shows a stripe of roots (Ivanka Trump for example) would look much better with natural color. As my hair started to turn grey, I never looked back. I like to think that if more older women would proudly wear their natural hair, people would start to understand that This is How We Look and There is Nothing Wrong With That. The pressure on women to dye their hair (expensive!) and cover their faces with makeup (expensive) is outrageous. Nope, this is me, take it or leave it. I happen to be smart, interesting, well-read, and witty, and if that’s not enough for you, tough.

      The most important thing is a good haircut. Let your hair grow out, get a good haircut, and hold your head high.

    11. Jay*

      I’m terrified of coloring my own hair and I don’t like the natural brown I now see in the mirror. When I can get it colored again, I’m going beyond the reddish/auburn with gold highlights I’ve been doing. There will be fuschia. Not sure where, not sure how much, but there will be fuschia. And I’m not asking anyone at work if there’s a rule against it, either.

    12. ThatGirl*

      It wasn’t super intentional, but I’d dyed my hair strawberry blonde for years, it looked great. Last year I tried out some temporary color (teal) for fun and then on a whim dyed it very dark blue. It looked great for a few weeks but the blue faded and then it was just kind of gray. Eventually I dyed it over with dark reddish brown and now it’s growing out because I can’t re-dye the dark hair a lighter color. My hair is not super long but it will still take awhile and I’m seeing that my natural blah brown now has plenty of silver…

    13. Parenthetically*

      My mother did the same, grew out her grey. She looks WAY younger with full grey — it makes her skin look luminous, makes her eyes stand out more, and just looks so much better. I think most people look great with grey/white/silver hair. I’m 100% on board with everyone doing exactly what they want with their hair always, but I love the trend of women letting their hair go grey as an “eff you” to the beauty industry that tells them they HAVE to dye it to ~#*look younger*#~.

      1. Reba*

        It really does suit some people!

        I have one grandparent with snowy white, gorgeous hair and another with grizzly gray. So far all my white hairs are truly white so I’m hoping.

      2. Kate*

        We finally convinced my mom to stop dying her hair this year, and that the pandemic was a perfect time to take the plunge – and now she looks GREAT. She’d been dying it a beigey dark blonde for years and it was just not doing her skin tone any favors.

        Also got her using a blue shampoo which makes her hair bright, and a new pair of glasses with a bolder hue and it makes her eyes pop.

    14. fposte*

      I started dyeing the bottom of my hair a deep maroon pink with semipermanent dye. I didn’t want the labor of dyeing my whole head. I wondered if it would make the rest of my hair seem particularly mousy/colorless in contrast, but it didn’t seem to. I quit for a while but may start again, as I really liked it.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve been doing similar (shoulders-down, on waist-length hair) for ten years now and I love it. Easy enough to hide if I need to, but little kids yell about PRINCESS HAIR!! when it’s down or in a braid or such.

    15. memyselfandi*

      I have not cut my hair and it is now past my shoulders. I may keep longer once I start going to a stylist. Right now I am enjoying putting it up in different ways. As for going gray, I think it really depends on what kind of gray hair you have. One of my older sister’s grew hers out and it is now a lovely silver. I am just two years younger but have not turned completely gray. Hairdressers have told me I never will. So, my front hair is a mix of gray and original color and my back hair is mostly original color. I had been having foils to add color and high/low lights to make my head match entirely. I think people who have lovely gray hair are lucky.

    16. Amy*

      We decided to grow out my preschooler’s bangs. I am SO glad we’re doing it while we’re basically homebound because it has been an ordeal. She hates having anything in her hair (elastics, bows, clips, Bobby pins, etc.) and hates the sensation of tucking hair behind her ears, so most of the time she has nearly-chin-length bangs hanging in her face. It drives me absolutely nuts. When I can manage to pin them to the side and actually see her face she looks SO cute, though! It gives me hope for when the bangs are a bit longer and can reliably be swept out of her face with the rest of her hair, which reaches her mid-back.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood”*

        Maybe try hats and kerchiefs — they can be spun as costumes in some cases. Even a Disney princess tiara…which can be made out of wire at home for what it’s worth.

    17. DarthVelma*

      I had a layer of purple and blue hair that peaked out from under my normal color back in the before times…but all that color has been gone for months leaving just pale streaks of hair that had the color lifted prior to applying the fun colors.

      I don’t hate the look, but I do miss my colors and I’m thinking about lifting the color from the bottom 4 or so inches of hair and dip dyeing it. Maybe purple. Maybe blue. Or maybe temporary colors and change it up every few days. Not sure yet.

      I need to call my salon and talk to my stylist to make sure I’m not doing anything terrible and to get the supplies. But I’m figuring if I truly screw it up, almost no one will see it and I’m going to have to have at least that much hair cut off when I can finally go back to the salon anyway.

    18. RagingADHD*

      I did exactly this, and I love it!

      Just before lockdown, I was working with my hairdresser on a plan to transition from highlights to letting my gray streaks grow in. My hair is naturally ash brown & dark ash blond, so keeping highlights toned correctly is a LOT of work. I always wind up with a big clash between warm highlights and cool roots, which makes them look grayer by contrast, as well as neglected and unkempt.

      Since then, I’ve just been letting everything grow out. It wasn’t quite even, but I got about 5 inches in the longest places.

      This week I chopped it all off at the color line, and did a little shaping so it’s kind of a grown-out pixie cut. It looks so healthy and shiny.

      The gray streaks give it some dimension, and they’re silver near my face. Ive been experimenting with different color streaks for a few years (blue, purple, etc). It looks like a silver swatch.

      I’d rather look my age and look sharp, than look like I’m fighting a losing battle.

    19. em*

      Back around April or May I tried that temporary rose gold conditioner and it turned out more hot pink, I think because I had highlights growing out and it’s for brown hair? In July I did a major cut (a little past armpit length to so short I can’t wear a ponytail) and after a day or two of “what have I done??” I loved it. I might use up the rest of the rose gold now that all the blonde is gone and see if it works out better this time :)

        1. em*

          Overtone coloring conditioner! I want to say it lasted a couple weeks of gradual fading. They have a lot of color options :)

    20. StellaBella*

      Go to Bored Panda (dot com) and look this article up “Instead Of Covering Grey Roots, This Hair Colorist Makes Clients Embrace It” seriously the styles and colours of grey are AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL.

    21. Aphrodite*

      Yes. I stopped dyeing my hair about six months ago. Originally, it was blue-black but I began to get gray in my late forties or early fifties. So I have been coloring it every two weeks for a while. Like many, I began to be more relaxed about it. Hence the decision to just stop.

      I think of it as an ombre effect, which was a bit odd at first. I too worried about looking old but I have to tell you that I don’t feel that way at all now that it is about half white silver and half darker. You are right about the non-dyed part looking and feeling healthier. And I like it a lot.

      I’ve come to think the “aging” aspect might come in more in the hair style you choose. If you let it go long and loose in silver it will be gorgeous! Look at some of these: https://www.google.com/search?source=univ&tbm=isch&q=jack+martin+clients+who+go+gray&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjZh7CZh6HuAhVLPn0KHTm6BfcQ420oAHoECBIQBA&biw=986&bih=868

      Notice that they styles are young, which only highlights the gorgeousness of the gray / silve/ white. I encourage you to go for it even though it may take you more than a year to grow it out.. I have mine trimmed 2-3 inches every three months so slowly the silver is taking over. You might love yours as much as I do!

    22. Bluebell*

      I started growing my hair out about 6 months before the pandemic, and I’m not sure if I might have weakened and started getting it colored if the pandemic hadn’t happened. I’m pretty happy with it now, but sometimes I miss the warmer brown tones. I do think it makes my green eyes more vivid though.

    23. Is it tea time yet?*

      I was laid off in March, and for a variety of reasons have been looking for a job in a completely different field from the one I was in for 12 years. I had embraced my greying hair, and even the part around my temples that is white, but worried in this job market and having to look at more entry-level positions that looking my age (51) was not helping. Plus, since I took much longer than average to get my degrees, I figured if it made me seem a little younger, maybe that would be one less hurdle in an interview. I don’t see any middle-aged women around here with grey hair, and my makeup skills are very minimal, so this seemed like a good decision.

      I like the color I chose, which is very close to my natural light brown with gold and and red, but wish I had tried something temporary or semi-permanent instead.

    24. Run mad; don't faint*

      My hair was a bob at the start of the pandemic. It grew out into a blunt cut after a while. When salons opened here, I got a pixie cut. I figured if I didn’t like it, who cared? It could grow out at home. I did like it though, and now it’s growing out into a short shag/shaggy pixie, which I love! I’m taking pictures so I will know what I want it to look like when I need to get it recut.

      I paint my toenails brighter colors than I do my fingernails. Since I’m at home, I decided to have fun with my fingernails. I’ve been enjoying it! Right now, I’m looking for a metallic aqua or turquoise nail polish for my fingernails.

    25. Might Be Spam*

      This thread is helping me get over my second thoughts about going grey. My grey roots feel much nicer than my dyed hair. I’m thinking about playing with some temporary colors and I’m getting some good ideas here.

  5. Freya*

    Thank you to everyone who replied to my post last week about being mired in jealousy as the rest of the people in my health sciences graduate program were getting COVID vaccinated while I was ineligible due to being out on temporary leave. In a crazy turn of events, I actually had the very good fortune to get my first dose of the vaccine a few days ago! (A nurse at the university called me at the end of the day and said, “I think we have enough doses to give you one. How fast can you get here?”) I nearly cried with relief when I got it, particularly since I have a chronic medical condition that technically would qualify me in the 1b group, but the rollout in my state is such a mess that it may be a long time before my doctor could get me a dose.

    Forty-eight hours out from the shot my only side effect has been a moderately sore arm, which has already improved significantly. Now I’m starting to daydream about the things we’ll be able to do when the high-risk people in our household are fully immunized, probably sometime in April. We’re not expecting a return to normal at that point, of course, but here’s my wish list:
    – Send our four-year-old back to preschool so she can start socializing with people outside our household again
    – Go to the dentist
    – Hire someone to deep clean our house
    – Take the kids to the local pool (when it opens for the summer)
    – Hopefully have my parents and siblings come visit (one they’re vaccinated too, and probably not until the vaccine is much more widely available to the general public)

    What are you looking forward to once it’s possible again?

    1. Might Be Spam*

      I’m looking forward to a road trip to visit my son. It’s already been over a year since I’ve seen him. It will be even longer before I feel comfortable about being on a plane.
      I also miss in-person folk dancing. It helps that a lot of groups are dancing via Zoom and when this is over, I want to visit some of the distant groups.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          Just today my son moved to New Orleans from Miami, and according to my map, in the French Quarter which is exciting.
          The folk dance groups I want to visit are in British Columbia, Toronto, Stockton, San Diego, New York, and Minnesota. (I’m not sure about the one in Italy yet.)
          I’ve never been much of a traveler unless I have a special event or family member to visit. Now I have a lot of places that I want to visit.
          I only started dancing a year before the pandemic started so I’m still new. Folk dancers love to share their knowledge and there are a lot of groups online. I could dance several times each day if my feet could handle it. I moved my kitchen table out of the kitchen and moved in my laptop and another monitor (on the other side of the room so I can see what to do when we do turns. Lol)

    2. WeAreTheJunimos*

      Ah yay glad it worked out! I got my second dose a week ago (ER nurse here) and got more severe side effects the second dose, but nothing too unbearable.
      I literally cannot wait to drive in other people’s cars and pop over to their houses randomly and have dinner. My friends and I organized a (very covid safe) dinner in which we all were like 10 feet apart outside in a park and masked except for taking bites of food and it just….was so sad. I just can’t wait until I can sit at someone else’s dinner table again.

      1. Susie*

        Yeah, sometimes the COVID safe socializing is just too much of a bummer to attempt. After quarantining, we visited my brother and sister in law for an hour and wore masks. It was so stressful and such a bummer given how close we are.
        I’m looking forward to spending real time with them again and seeing my kids interact with their aunt and uncle freely.

      2. allathian*

        I have a hard time dealing with masks. It’s probably anxiety-related because I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m in an area where we can walk outdoors without masks, so I pretty much only leave the house to exercise. My husband does our grocery shopping once a week. Case numbers in our area are low enough that my son’s going to in-person school. He’s 11, and the recommendation here is that everyone who’s 12 or over should wear masks, so as soon as the first of his classmates hits their 12th birthday, his class is going to be wearing masks. I know that in some areas toddlers are doing it, but not here.

        I do look forward to socializing with my extended family and friends again when it’s safe to do so without masks. I can’t deal with wearing a mask for more than an hour at most, so any meetings before then are going to be short. I’m not going to take any risks with my health or the health of other people by refusing to wear a mask.

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      Live music, specifically screaming along in strangers’ faces. I have a band I love, whom I’ve seen 13 times. #11 and #12 were Nov 2019 as part of a lone mini-holiday to another country. It felt a little bit decadent at the time but geez I was glad. I have tickets to see them 3 more times that were rescheduled from June 2020 to June 2021, but I am doubtful that those shows will go ahead. But the idea of being up on the rail, mashed shoulder-to-shoulder, with strangers, all celebrating and singing the same music keeps me going.

      Also planning an epic spa/hotel weekend with a dear friend who also has young children. We are looking forward to room service and 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

      And yeah, just being able to go into someone’s house. And hug them. I was never a hugger, but there are people I miss hugging so much, it’s becoming like an ache.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Ooops, no edit function, but it was the #12 and #13 times. #11 was also great- in 2018, took my then 7-year old kid and we had a great time.

      2. theartistteacher*

        Lemonwhirl, out of curiosity, which band is it? I agree with you – I can’t wait to go and see live music or even – *imagine* – a music festival! I miss that so much.

        1. Lemonwhirl*

          It’s The National. Absolutely love them and have met so many lovely people who love them as much as I do.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Taking a trip to Las Vegas. Our 25th wedding anniversary is coming up in less than a month and we’re stuck as to what we want to do that week. We’re both off from work, so I imagine we’ll take a day trip within the state or something. Las Vegas can maybe be much later in the year or maybe for next year’s anniversary.

      I’m also looking forward to finally seeing Def Leppard. I was supposed to go to the Hershey, PA, show in August last year, but it was rescheduled to this July. I don’t know if it will still happen, though, since not everyone will have a vaccine at that point and I’m sure things won’t be back to normal again.

      1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

        My anniversary is coming up as well. Years ago, I had decided that this anniversary would be when we finally go to Europe for the first time. When COVID happened, I started looking at other options and decided on going to the Bahamas. Then since COVID continued, that idea was scrapped as well.

        The new plan is to stay in a treehouse for 2 nights. It has a full kitchen so I’ll just make food ahead of time and reheat. For entertainment, we will drive around or go on a small hike. Or just sit in the treehouse by the fire. I’m looking forward to a couple of days outside of my house.

            1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              You can sort by “treehouse” on airbnb. There are a surprisingly large quantity of them available, probably near you.

          2. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

            It’s in Ohio in Amish country – but you should be able to find them in any state as it is a bit of a trend.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      1) Vacations! We’re already planning where to go, probably this exact time next year between semesters, since we might not all be vaccinated by this summer.
      2) Visits! I normally can drive or hop on a bus to see my childhood friends, and I normally do that at least once or twice a year. I hope they can hold the whisky festival some of us normally go to most years in December!
      3) Vision! I think I need new glasses, but I’ve been putting it off because I am not going inside ANYWHERE except for takeout, since that’s maybe 30 seconds (I have started calling from the car to ask if it’s ready to minimize my exposure).
      4) College life! (Ran out of V’s…) Not for me, but our kid is in the middle of their first year and hasn’t been on campus since our visit before they applied. And this school is mostly residential, it’s something they were looking forward to.

    6. nep*

      Hugging and playing with my grand-niece without constantly worrying whether one of us is infecting the other.

    7. CTT*

      I’m a simple woman. I am just looking forward to being able to 1) hug my parents and 2) go to karaoke.

      1. theartistteacher*

        CTT, absolutely – I can’t wait until karaoke is an option again. Hoping you get to hug your parents soon.

    8. Holly the spa pro*

      I love reading everyones responses! For me its:
      1. Concerts! We have tickets to Rammstein in Minneapolis in September so fingers crossed.
      2. Travel! Neither my husband or i have family here so we are looking forward to making the rounds even if we have to drive.
      3. More travel! We have put off international travel for years because it never seemed like the right time or we couldnt take more than a few days off comfortably and now we are really kicking ourselves for it. Should have done it when we had the chance. We wont make that mistake again!

    9. Jay*

      Getting a massage, and I’ll probably do that after I get my second dose of the vaccine (scheduled 2/2). Hosting other people inside my house. Over the summer we had guests in the backyard and screened porch but now it’s winter in the Northeast of the US, so…not so much. Shopping. I miss browsing in Target. I miss looking over the wine in the liquor store to pick out a special bottle for dinner. I miss the mall, even though I don’t really like the mall.

      1. Josephine Beth NotAmy*

        I miss browsing. I miss hanging out in a coffee shop with a book. There’s something so relaxing about it, and I always took it for granted.
        My husband and I will likely be eligible to get the vaccine within a couple weeks, but it may be a little longer for other family members. First thing I’m going to do is hug everyone!

    10. ThatGirl*

      Seeing friends and family more regularly, in groups and without a million precautions!
      Going to a restaurant for dinner
      Travel in general

    11. Rebecca Stewart*

      Seeing my grown sons more often, and hugging them.

      Going to the symphony/the ballet again with Boyfriend. I miss that.
      Going to the gym every day and working out. They’re open, but I’ve got someone with COPD in my household and I just don’t feel safe yet.
      Going out to eat somewhere, with either my boyfriend or my girlfriend, as a time to just get out of the house and be together. I really miss that. We’re all introverts so it hasn’t been hell or anything, but we miss the bits of going out we used to do.
      He and I are talking about getting married next year, and I would like my mom and sons and his mom and dad to be able to be there, even if it’s a matter of a trip to the courthouse. And we’d kind of like to take a bit of a honeymoon out to the West Coast, because I’ve never been past the Mississippi.
      Also some surgeries are going to be needed in the family, and it would be nice to have non-pandemic swamped hospitals for that, and if we have to travel to get Girlfriend’s gender surgery done, I’d like that to be safe as well.

    12. Parenthetically*

      YESSS so happy for you!!

      Our state rollout is going well and my folks should be able to get theirs in a few weeks and my husband and I should be able to get ours a few weeks after that.

      I’m looking forward to getting a haircut! I cut my own hair back in April, but despite being pretty proud of the job I did, it was still a DIY haircut and I’d love to have a professional work on it again!

    13. Frankie Bergstein*

      -live music and comedy
      -going to the dentist
      -thrifting
      -traveling and staying places (e.g., a cabin) [I think if we socially distance, we can do this post vaccine and before things open back up]

    14. fposte*

      In addition to things people have named, I’ll add art fairs. They’re usually a big part of my summer. I have enjoyed the virtual ones, but it’s not the same.

    15. Mimmy*

      I’m hoping this summer we’ll be able to have our annual family gathering. Last year it was supposed to be on Cape Cod.

      I’d love to be able to attend in-person conferences again

      Above all, I miss the hugs.

    16. CJM*

      I’m very glad for you! A friend is getting her first shot next Thursday, and she’s the first in my circle of friends and family to get one. It gives me hope for us all. My category for the vaccine may open up in a few weeks, and I’m excited to schedule my first shot soon.

      In order, here’s what I most look forward to:
      – Mostly I want to visit my toddler grandson lots more often without wearing a mask and worrying about the risks of cuddling him.
      – I want to meet friends for lunches and talking face to face. And to think I took that for granted!
      – I want to organize happy hours with my work buddies. (I’m an introvert who doesn’t drink much, so it feels out of character. But I enjoy seeing my favorite work peeps quarterly now that I’m retired, and they tell me how much they enjoy our happy hours too.)
      – I want to visit friends and family who live in other states. One’s going through a divorce and can use cheering up, another just moved to a big house and wants houseguests, and another is my wonderful cousin who’s still grieving her mother’s death. I can’t wait to hug them all.

    17. 653-CXK*

      Not having to listen to the words “socially distanced,” “social distancing,” or any other cliche related to this pandemic. They are twee, snobby buzzwords should be thrown into the furnace of history with a generous helping of accelerant.

      1. 653-CXK*

        My apologies for being salty on the previous comment. It’s just those words grind me the wrong way.

        On the positive side of things, I do plan on getting both shots, and hopefully once the restrictions are lifted, I can get out more again. I like working from home, but sometimes I need to get out of the house just to get a sense of sanity and a change of scenery.

        1. Llama face!*

          I feel really angry whenever I hear “the new normal”* and “unprecedented times”. So I can commiserate.

          *Particularly since I hear that phrase most from people who act like we’ve attained some kind of normal and we clearly haven’t stabilized yet. Or from people who want to just go back to routine and let the vulnerable die off.

          1. Jackalope*

            I’m personally tired of “out of an abundance of caution”. It made sense in the beginning, but now we’re used to it. Just do the pandemic safety thing and don’t apologize for it! And I really wish that physical distancing had taken off instead of social distancing. Physical distancing seems more accurate to me, and the phrase social distancing also makes me feel echoes of loneliness whenever I hear it.

            1. allathian*

              Yes, this. I’m in Finland, and we’re a famously or notoriously physically distant culture. Even in non-pandemic times, it’s rare to see strangers standing closer than about 4 ft from each other unless it’s so crowded that it’s unavoidable. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons we’re doing relatively well in the pandemic, because there’s never been a tradition of standing right next to anyone you’re not extremely close to (family members, intimate partners, particularly close friends). Some people hug their friends, but it’s by no means universal, and kisses on the cheek would be unthinkable here. Handshakes are a standard business greeting, but usually only used socially when you meet someone for the first time. In subsequent meetings, a verbal greeting is sufficient.

      2. Deanna Troi*

        653-CXK, what wording would you prefer to the fact that we should be keeping our distance when we’re being social? Why do you think they’re snobby? I’m genuinely not being snarky, but when someone says they don’t like something, I can understand that, but I always wish they would propose an alternative.

        1. OyHiOh*

          I prefer phrases like “physical distance” and “safer social engagement.” This is how I talk about activities nd and choices myself.

          Social distance is a phrase with an unfortunate history reaching back to the beginning of the 20th century, when it was used to describe social, physical, and emotional distance between socio economic groups (in the US). A friend who is black recalls seeing that phrase in his mother’s Amy Vanderbilt etiquette book in the early 60’s so it’s not even that ancient of a concept to for people of varying income levels, not to mention skin tone, to have been taught to keep appropriate social distance boundaries.

          1. Deanna Troi*

            I appreciate your response. I honestly didn’t know this and couldn’t understand why there was a concern about it. And thank you for providing alternative language.

        2. 653-CXK*

          I sometimes use the phrase “Space, Face and Hygiene” to remind myself of the protocols. I use the word “space” as an alternative because it’s a much more accurate and simple term (as in “spaced six feet apart”), but “physical distancing” is also good.

          To me, “social distancing” and “socially distanced” sounds glib and superficial, with sort of an exclusive, trendy air to it. OyHiOh’s explanation of the term below is great…perhaps it’s a convenient term for some, but once they learn the background of it, they may find a better alternative.

    18. Llama face!*

      Sitting in a quiet coffee shop while drinking a latte and reading. It is one of my favourite relaxing activities.
      Going out to my favourite pizza restaurant for their lunch deal- I haven’t been there since early December 2019 because they closed for renos and then 2020 happened.
      Hugging my friends and family.
      Casually taking public transit instead of walking.
      Fun shopping.
      Travelling to visit family, especially getting to see my sibling’s new baby (due in March) and my parents.
      In-person church where we can see each other and eat together. It’s been almost a year of zoom/youtube services now and I miss the mingling.
      Attending regular local summer festivals (music, food, and ethnic heritage themes). Probably won’t be happening this year but maybe in 2022.

    19. OtterB*

      1. Back to church in person.
      2. Seeing my older daughter who lives out of state, too far to drive easily.
      3. Singing! I’m part of a women’s barbershop chorus and Zoom rehearsals are better than nothing but really not enough.
      4. My younger daughter with intellectual disabilities has returned to work in a fairly low risk position, but all her community activities are on hold or being done by Zoom and she misses them. Also, I will be glad when it feels safe for her to take public transit again instead of my driving her and picking her up.
      5. Vacation and also work travel

      1. OtterB*

        Forgot to add, 6. Seeing my renovated office! We went remote the end of January 2020 for a major renovation, expecting to be back in the office in April or May, and we’re still all remote.

        1. Jackalope*

          My church was undergoing renovations and we were supposed to have our first service back in our regular building for Easter 2020. It feels like FOREVER since we were able to have church in our normal space! We’ve gotten to do small group tours in the building (masked, etc.), so we’ve at least seen it, but I so miss our regular space, and mingling, and…. For our Zoom services we get broken up into small groups for chatting but it’s chosen by the Powers of Zoom; I miss being able to pick the people that I chat with. I mean, it’s fine having my horizons expanded to talk with people I don’t really know, but I have church friends that haven’t been in my Zoom group once all year, and that’s frustrating.

    20. Tris Prior*

      I am lustfully fantasizing about getting on public transit (I don’t have a car) and going to a neighborhood other than mine and the ones immediately surrounding mine. Perhaps getting off the bus at Trader Joe’s (which is far from me) and having a nice leisurely browse through all their fancy snacks and wine.

      Thinking bigger, we put off an interstate move due to the pandemic so I am hopeful that we can take steps toward that goal again. It may actually be easier now since my work has allowed me to go fully remote and we have employees in every state already.

    21. RagingADHD*

      I really just want to hug my dad and my inlaws. They’re all in their 80s, so even when Ive been able to see my dad, it’s just an awkward wave from a distance.

      Oh, and I want to sing with people.

    22. em*

      The dentist! Doesn’t it feel weird to be excited about that? Swimming and gymnastics for the kids. In-person school. Meeting people in the area I just moved to. Transitioning back to work from being a SAHM (was hoping to do that for this school year but…)

      1. allathian*

        The dentist! They haven’t had any confirmed transmissions between patients and healthcare workers in either direction here, but I’m still not willing to take any risks… While I trusted my dentist’s hygiene practices before the pandemic, I almost always got at least a cold if they had to do any drilling.

    23. Jackalope*

      So. Many. Things! I want to hug people, and spend time with them without fear. I want to finish the giant puzzle that a friend and I started last January, that’s too big for me to do alone and has been sitting forlornly in my living room for ages now. Go dancing, ride the bus, go to church, sing with people outside of my house,…. Take the trip that was scheduled for late March and cancelled a few days beforehand, and the bigger trip scheduled for last fall.

      1. Jackalope*

        The surprise thing for me has been going to the movies. My husband loves it and I’ve always kind of enjoyed it, but it was more a thing I did because he and my friends wanted to. But I’ve missed it so much this year; being able to go watch a movie on the big screen, and getting out of the house for it, going with a group of people…. Apparently I’ve been enjoying it more than I thought I did! I hope we still have movie theaters when this is all over.

    24. fhqwhgads*

      Primarily looking forward to going out to purchase necessities without being scared it will lead to my death if some maskless asshole coughs in my face.

    25. Quoth the Raven*

      I want to go visit my boyfriend, who I’m in a long distance relationship with. Seeing him involves international travel, so I haven’t done it (I’d originally planned on doing it around April last year, and then Covid happened). Way the vaccine is being rolled out in my country, I’m not seeing myself doing it until next year because I might not be able to get it until then.

      I also want to go back to Six Flags. I used to go 10-12 times a year, and I’m missing it sorely!

    26. DataGirl*

      Concerts and theater are what I’m most looking forward to. I miss the arts more than anything right now. Definitely would like to swim again in the summer, and maybe rejoin a gym.

    27. Natalie*

      In person music classes, both for me and my kid. I am taking my piano lessons by zoom, which is fine, but I will be happy when we can stop. And I wanted to bring my baby to baby singing group, which was of course cancelled all of last year. Maybe they’ll do an outside version this summer at least, last summer I don’t think anyone was fully settled into the idea of this being a quite long haul.

    28. My teeth are clean*

      Wow, I’m surprised by the number of people who haven’t gone to the dentist. I’ve been to the dentist twice (once in March, just as everything was shutting down for a chipped tooth, and over the summer for my regular cleaning). I’m going again in a few weeks for my 6 month cleaning. I’ve also gotten my haircut, had a couple mani/pedis, and take public transportation to work everyday. I follow my city’s guidelines (and I’m in a city/state where the Mayor and Governor are taking it very seriously). I know exactly one person in my real life who has gotten Covid, and that was only within the last week.

      1. Bumpjumper*

        My spouse is a dentist, so I may be a bit biased, but I also feel a little more in the know than the average person. Your dentist’s office is just about the safest place out there. Dentists have been in the infection control business for a long time, and they’ve only increased their protective procedures since covid came on the scene. You can also call your dental office and ask them what measures they are taking to ensure safety—this is a common concern and they will be ready for any questions you have. Putting off preventative dental care and regular check ups can cause a lot of problems and pain down the line. Hope this helps!

        1. allathian*

          I’m not really all that worried about being treated by my dentist, I trust them to do what’s necessary to protect themselves and me. It’s just getting there that keeps putting me off.

    29. ThePear8*

      That’s great to hear!
      There’s so much I’m looking forward to, including:
      -Dining in at restaurants again (haven’t felt safe doing so despite some restaurants reopening their dining rooms)
      -Being able to sit INSIDE Starbucks and drink my coffee instead of just swinging through the drive thru
      -Live theatre shows
      -Live concerts
      -Take my dog to the park
      -Travel, especially since I will be graduating in the spring I would really like to be able to take a vacation to celebrate since I’ve barely been able to take a break at all in college, as I’ve been working and taking summer and winter classes. I also have family abroad and would really like to be able to visit them again.
      -Walk around on my college campus. Even though I’ll probably graduate before I get to back, campus is beautiful and I really miss some of my favorite coffee spots. Plus it’s the best place in town to play Pokemon Go!

    31. Stephanie*

      Aside from obvious things like vacations, small things like:
      1. Hugs that aren’t fraught.
      2. Walking in the store with a drink.
      3. Live music.
      4. Less Zoom.

  6. (Almost) never been kissed*

    So I haven’t kissed anyone/been kissed in about… 12 years? Maybe 13?

    My ex-husband was a certifiably terrible kisser — probably because he hated it — and so I literally have not kissed anybody since before we were dating.

    Now I am testing the waters on online dating, and the idea of kissing someone/being kissed by them terrifies me! Like, you want me to do what with my tongue where? Does it just move side to side? Is it like a lizard head popping in and out of its burrow??

    Please help.

    1. Nela*

      Don’t overthink it! Let the other person lead until you get more comfortable. Just keep your lips relaxed. What you do with your tongue depends on how passionate the situation is! If it’s a mild and more romantic goodbye kiss there may not be a lot of tongue involved. But if you’re heading to the bedroom dropping clothes over the floor it can get pretty wild :D

      Some folks are terrible kisses and just swirl their tongue like a blender, ew. One dude I dated didn’t use tongue at all, it felt like kissing a child, ew. Somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot.

    2. Still*

      It’s okay if kissing feels awkward at first! It’s certainly taken me a while to figure out what works, and that has changed over time and with different partners.

      I think it’s a bit like… Hmm, like massage! You have the general idea that you’re gonna press on somebody’s muscles, right, but then you actually put your hands on them and start to figure out what feels good and what gets a positive response, and what hurts or tickles. If you have a kind partner and chemistry, it’s gonna be fun to figure it out together.

      Also, sometimes you need less movement than you think. I used to think that I need to be moving my lips and my tongue all the time and it was stressing me out. Now my partner and I laugh about having “lip hugs” – sometimes just a slow press of lips can feel amazing.

      Good luck!

      1. Zooey*

        The changes with different partners is key! Don’t worry about it feeling awkward to begin with because it always does when you kiss someone new, however much kissing you’ve done! Just relax and try out what feels good for both of you and don’t assume that something that feels gross to you must be ‘right’ just because your partner has more experience.

    3. The traps are on fire*

      When the time comes you could just say to your potential partner, “I really want to kiss you. Wanna help me shake the rust off?”

      2. Batgirl*

        Honestly yeah, just say something about needing to practice. Not only are you proposing an incredibly sexy project but it opens up communication about the kind of kissing you like.

    4. nep*

      Agree w Nela–don’t overthink it.
      If there’s physical attraction and you both are drawn to go in for a kiss, the kiss just flows from that and takes on a life of its own. You’ll just go with where the contact and movement take you.

    5. Marillenbaum*

      Honestly, you just sort of vibe. I get the nerves! I grew up in a super-conservative religious group, didn’t kiss anyone until I was 22, and decided to throw myself in the deep end of getting more experience once I left my childhood church. If you are enjoying the person, and you want to kiss them in general, just playing it as it goes is the best move.

    6. ten four*

      This is all good advice, and I also want to throw out there that maybe you’ll find that kissing just isn’t your thing. That’s okay too!

    7. RagingADHD*

      Don’t think about “technique” at all. That’s what makes a terrible kisser.

      Just focus on what you like and what the other person seems to like.

    8. theartistteacher*

      There’s no one thing that works, eg. Move side to side – it’s more about enjoying exploring the taste and feel of the person‘s lips with your lips. Gently sucking their lower lip into your mouth is a good trick. It’s as if you want to make a map of their mouth using only your lips and tongue – but you do it gently and sensuously… that’s my advice. I hope it works out for you!

    9. LeahS*

      So the first time I meant my now fiancé I asked “Do you want to awkwardly kiss now?” And we did. It wasn’t that awkward, it was nice! Now we ask that all the time just to be cute!

      The guy before him… oh boy was he a bad kisser lol.

      But yeah, being upfront never hurts!! You can find out if he’s into you and the expectations are low if the kiss sucks.

      And if the kiss does suck for you or him, you can move on no problem and find someone who loves the awkward kiss!

      2. ampersand*

        Ha! My husband and I say this to each other, too! :) honestly, kissing can be awkward—comes with the territory.

    10. nonamenow*

      I love this question and certainly relate. My ex was a terrible kisser (think slobbery labrador retriever crossed with a lamprey – ew!). I’m not ready to look for another relationship, but the idea of kissing, etc. terrifies me sometimes, since it’s been so long. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without it, so still hope it’s a possibility even it it’s scary.

      Anyway, cheering you on and hope you meet someone who is wonderful and your displays of affection are delightfully aligned.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        “slobbery labrador retriever crossed with a lamprey”

        Dying at your description! :-D

  7. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I got almost nothing done this week, so unfortunately I have nothing to report.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Also, this came up in last week’s thread but I saw it too late to respond: Techworker asked how you get better at writing and if it’s something that you just do badly and improve that way. In my experience, the answer to that tends to be yes, in combination with reading a lot. For dialogue I find it helps to say it out loud. Also don’t be scared if your first draft ends up having really stilted dialogue or a weird structure, that’s what editing is for. That first draft is basically there to have the story written down.

    2. Nela*

      I didn’t write anything new, but I edited a few articles and transcribed two graphic essays I published on my blog this week so that’s not bad.
      I started working on another homage to our deceased family cat and hopefully I’ll finish it this weekend.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Julia Quinn, who wrote the Bridgerton books, once said the best piece of advice she received was just to write, no matter how bad, since you can always improve a page of bad writing, but there is little you can do with a blank page.

    3. Frankie Bergstein*

      I’m trying to write this year – first time posting to this thread! I am taking a 6 session class at a local writing center, and we met for the first time this week. I wrote/performed my story for the group. They were all really good writers (my opinion), and the class is more like a meet up — less critique/instruction, more just writing and sharing. It’s really nice, and I’m learning a lot from the prompts.

    4. Mystic*

      I’m doing ok. Fanfiction on A03: I’ve finished my last two fics, and have three more in the works.
      It’s also helped me with my original works: I’ve posted two of my original works and people say they like it, so now I’m trying to write more.

    5. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      Also my first time on this thread! My writing is going great, not in quantity (and probably not in quality) but in joy. I think I may be healing from the horrors of graduate school, which utterly killed the enjoyment of writing I had all through my childhood and adolescence. I am writing just…everything! When it pops in my head, I am jotting down a new Google doc with names like “epistolary vicars and tarts!” “chick lit secretaries!” “romance used car salesman and unsuspecting customer!” “humorous essay on childhood religious sect!”

      This week I’ve even found that the joy is spilling over into taking pleasure in crafting letters, cards, basic correspondence. Because I have been privileged to fare extremely well during the pandemic, I’ve been able to spend much of the last year re-cultivating the hobbies that feel by the wayside the past decade or so, and I’m so unspeakably delighted to have writing back.

    6. Lalaith*

      I’ve just recently had the inspiration to write a novel, so I’ve been slowly chipping away at it. I’ve seen lots of people mention writing groups and beta readers – does anyone have any advice for how to find a good group/readers, or recommendations? I’d really like to see if other people actually like my writing! Thanks :)

      1. Nela*

        I’ve used beta readers for two of my nonfiction books. The first one was in English so I was able to reach out to people all over the world, most of them them were long-time online acquaintances, and I’ve also placed an open call in one or two Facebook groups. I’ve sent my book to about 20 people, and about 10 of them read it in time to provide feedback, I had about 5-6 blurbs I could use to promote my book.

        The second book I’m working on now is in my native language so there’s a limited pool of readers. I’ve contacted friends and online acquaintances that I assumed would be interested, 9 out of 10 said yes, and 8 of them had actually read the book and sent in feedback.

        Basically if you have friends from writing groups or reading groups, ask them! If not, post an open call on social media. Get more readers than you need because some won’t follow through. You can make a feedback form on Google forms with specific questions, or just let people write whatever they want over email or private messages.

    7. KoiFeeder*

      Technically not my writing, but I think I found a beloved fanfic author I fell out of touch with on another website on AO3, so I’m very happily reading more works from a good friend.

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual, this is not limited to video games or even console/PC games, so feel free to talk about board games or smartphone games as well. Also feel free to ask for recommendations and help tracking down a vaguely-remembered game.
    I’ve been playing Stardew Valley again for a bit, checking out the stuff added in the update. I’ve almost got Willy’s boat repaired, and so far I’m loving that new job board.

    1. Someone On-Line*

      I am playing Shadowof the Tomb Raider on PS4 since it was one of their monthly games. It’s really wild to me how this series portrays Mayan/Incan cultures (or rather, over emphasizes human sacrifice) and how Lara really just goes in to people’s houses to read little documents and tear down walls. Overall I think it’s a really good metaphor for British colonialism, though I’m sure that’s not what was intended.

    2. Office Grunt*

      My “new” laptop is much better at running Magic Arena and MTGO, so getting to 15 wins is much easier than it used to be, and I don’t have to worry about timing out with a control deck.

      Kaldheim previews have me non-plussed, as I’m not seeing anything that excites me.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      We’ve been playing Beat Saber this week. It’s pretty fun, and it’s set up some rivalry between us and my sister’s family in the battle for all the high scores.

      1. anon24*

        Beat Saber is great. I weighted my controllers and it’s amazing how much difference a few ounces makes. My arms get sore! (If you get bored with Beat Saber, check out Synth Riders. It’s my favorite VR rhythm game).

    4. CatCat*

      I’ve been replaying Red Dead Redemption 2, but moving through the main story fairly slowly and instead focusing on completing challenges, side stories, and having Arthur grow the most epic mutton chops possible.

    5. TX Lizard*

      The Stardew Valley update has really been a bright spot in a pretty sucky couple of weeks. No spoilers, but the new map area is amazing and really challenging me to use some skills and mechanics I had neglected. Also I have been super grateful for the very positive Stardew Valley community. And the new update has reinvigorated some friendships that have struggled since no one ever has anything new or exciting to talk about these days.

    7. Courageous cat*

      My boyfriend and I have taken up playing board games (well, me more than him) and have been enjoying it immensely.

      Lately we’ve been playing Terraforming Mars, Wingspan (I love to lay eggs), and Fox in the Forest and I enjoy them all greatly. Any tips for any of the above welcome.

      1. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

        I play board games with my 2 kids (12 and 14) and occasionally my husband, although he’s not really that interested.

        Would the games you mentioned be suitable for kids this age? We’re always looking for something new, especially with lockdown continuing in my country. But all the games are imported and the exchange rate isn’t favourable, so we can’t buy games just to try them out. It’s too expensive.

        We currently have Catan, Kingdomino, Ticket to Ride and Forbidden Island.

        1. Purt’s Peas*

          Terraforming Mars is pretty complicated, so it’s more likely the 14 yr old would enjoy themselves, but i’s possible a 12 yr old could have a good time, especially if they’ve played complex board games before. It’s a euro game, so an individual game about managing many little pieces of an economy. I’d probably recommend staying away from it for now. Fox in the Forest is a two player card game, really fun.

          Wingspan is your best bet of that list—it’s a beautifully produced, good-looking, fun game.

          If you guys like puzzles, I highly, highly recommend Sagrada, a game about solving a little logic puzzle to make a stained glass window. You might also like Indian Summer, which is about laying down beautiful oddly-shaped tiles to create a forest floor, and collecting small wild treasures along the way—the core of the game is figuring out how to make many weird shapes fit together perfectly. And for something lighter and more luck-based, Celestia is a neat push-your-luck game about flying a steampunk airship.

          1. kowl*

            Just finished a game of Wingspan (our 2nd today haha)! We received the latest expansion for Christmas and have been enjoying our return to the game.

            (And, I do recommend the expansions for anyone who enjoys the base game. The new birds are fun, yes, but it’s actually the new end-of-round goals and personal goals which are really worth it).

        2. The Spinning Arrow*

          You might already know of this resource, but may I recommend “Tabletop” on the Geek & Sundry YouTube channel? It’s a little show where Wil Wheaton gets together with various friends (who are frequently other actors/nerds) to play board games, and they explain the rules as they go along. It’s a pretty great way to get a feel for a game before you’re able to buy it! I’d recommend the Takenoko, Sushi Go! & Roll For It, and maaaybe Tokaido episodes though there are a ton of others to choose from! Geek & Sundry also has another series called “Game the Game” which has a similar style, but I haven’t watched those so can’t vouch for them. I hope this helps!

        3. Courageous cat*

          I think Wingspan and Fox in the Forest would work! The 14 yo could probably do Terraforming Mars.

    8. Jackalope*

      Still obsessed with Fire Emblem: Three Houses. Because my video game power fantasy (especially in a pandemic year) is keeping the people around me from dying (we will have NO permadeath this year in video games!), I have now recruited everyone that is recruitable and am now figuring out what to do with them all! It’s so much more fun trying to map out class builds for imaginary characters than figuring out pandemics and worrisome politics and what not. (Also, unfortunately, way more fun than cleaning the bathroom.)

      1. Dr.KMnO4*

        I LOVE 3 houses. Which house are you playing as? I’ve completed a Blue Lions playthrough and a Golden Deer playthrough and I’m working on a Black Eagle playthrough. Do you have the DLC? If not, I’ll say that I found it to be worth the investment, especially with the added story missions.

        1. Jackalope*

          I’m playing BE this time, which has been great. Close to the end of part 1, and trying to make sure I’ve done as much as I can before everything changes. (I’ve tried not to read spoilers so I don’t know quite how it changes, but I know it does.). I did get the DLC, since I was having so much fun with it. Played through the side game and now am working on building up the Ashen Wolves in the main game. Also, I really enjoy grinding (in general), and playing on easy mode, so I’ve been doing lots of battles to get a feel for all the characters (the other night I had 45 min of support videos to watch from all the battle supports I got!).

          Any ideas on how to build up my squishy characters? I’m thinking especially the female magic workers like Lysithea and Annette. I know they have some amazing abilities, but they keep getting one-shotted by enemies and so it’s hard to keep them alive long enough to build them up. I’ve tried making them adjutants, or giving them guard adjutants, but it’s still tough.

          And which is your favorite house? What’s your favorite play through so far?

          1. Dr.KMnO4*

            Blue Lions are my absolute favorites, especially Dedue. His supports with Flayn are wonderful.

            I love grinding too! Honestly, grinding and gardening are your best bet for helping your magic users. Keep them behind the danger zone, bait the enemies in with your frontliners like Dimitri and Dedue, and finish them off with Annette or Lysithea. With gardening, certain colors of flowers will provide stat boosters. Giving them some defense boosters will help too.

            Is this your first playthrough? Which characters are your favorite?

            1. Jackalope*

              This is indeed my first play through. As far as favorite characters it depends on what you mean; personality or battle? Since I’m in BE, some of my characters from the original house are still higher than my recruits. Bernadetta is probably my best character for overall fighting followed closely by Petra, Linhardt is my best support, and Edelgard is my best rank. Ingrid and Dorothea are also coming along nicely. Personality-wise, I like Ingrid, Dorothea, Petra, Hapi, Shamir, and Yuri (although I will confess that my favorite bit about Yuri is his voice – nice voice actor!). How about you? Which are your favorites in battle and in personality?

              (I will confess that I’m enjoying playing all of the characters right now; even Anna, who is a pretty sturdy swordswoman even if she has no supports which, why??)

              How do you use flowers for support?

              1. Dr.KMnO4*

                Battle-wise: Ingrid (great resist and dodge), Petra (crits for days, dodge, wide range of possible classes), Dorothea (I made her my Dancer, gave her Reason and Faith), Mercedes (best healear IMO), Annette (great magic, tougher than Lysithea), Bernadetta (great Crest ability), Dedue (absolute tank), Sylvain (I made him a Dark Knight), Balthus (great brawler with heals)

                Personality-wise: Dedue (he seems standoff-ish but he’s really nice), Ashe (really sweet), Dorothea (more for her supports with other people), Sylvain (a lot less shallow than he seems to be at first), Petra (very determined, her sincerity is charming), Annette (works very hard, has adorable songs, is very chipper), Caspar (always giving 110%, very sincere)

                Yuri does have a great voice actor. His supports with Ingrid, Bernadetta, and Constance are great. I also love Bernadetta’s supports with Felix and Sylvain. I’m not entirely sure why you can’t support with Anna, though she is a character in every Fire Emblem game and was originally (pre-DLC) just a merchant, and not someone you could recruit.

                Gardening is a fantastic activity for three reasons: you can get food items for meals, you can get flowers for gifting, and you can get stat-boosting items. IGN has a great article on what items you can get from different seeds. Ambrosia boosts defense, and you can get it from Root Vegetable Seeds. You won’t always get it, but there’s a chance. Everyone likes flowers, and certain characters have favorite flowers which double the support points and motivation (if they’re your student).

                I spend most of my activity points on meals since they raise support between all three characters and increase the motivation of your students. They also contribute a lot of professor XP, which makes your life a lot easier.

                Since you are near the end of Part 1, there will be a very important choice soon. Save the game to a separate save slot so that you can have the option to make a different choice if you want. I hope you post in future weekend threads about your choice because I’m really interested to see what you think!

                If you start a new game+ playthrough after your first one, you can recruit the Ashen Wolves without having to do the side story. You can also raise your professor level early on to have more activity points from the start. The game doesn’t get harder at all, unlike most new game+ experiences.

                1. Jackalope*

                  I forgot Annette and Dorothea in my characters that I like! They’re both a lot of fun too; Annette is such a pleasant character and Dorothea knows what she wants and goes for it, and has a nice rapport with a lot of the others. I also made Dorothea my dancer, since she has charm in spades and since she’d mentioned in her dialogues liking to dance, and that’s worked out well. She’s now an all-around star; she can attack, she can heal (although her healing isn’t as good as Linhardt’s who can almost restore everyone’s full hit points by now), and if she’s not in a place to do either, she can give someone else a second turn! (Oh, and I spotted a typo in my last post; Edelgard is my TANK, not my rank.)

                  I think I know which choice you’re referring to; I got to the month where that choice happens. (Note to other readers that this could be a slight spoiler although I will try to be vague.)
                  *
                  *
                  *
                  *
                  Between supporting the church, which is going around killing sinners so they won’t sin anymore, headed by a woman who did something weird and mysterious to me as a baby that isn’t fully explained yet but it involved my mother dying and my father fleeing her to protect me after lying and saying I died so she’d leave me alone; and my girl who is determined to lead the land to try to make it so no one else has to suffer like she did…. Gotta go with my girl. I’ve heard she’s a terrible villain in the other versions, and she’s BFFs with Hubert who is creepy as all get out, which does give me pause. I don’t know how I’ll feel about this decision, and my plan is to set up a separate save file so I have the option to try to come back and try the other one. But that’s my plan for now.

                2. Dr.KMnO4*

                  I can’t reply directly to your comment, so I’ll reply here. As far as that choice goes, my husband made the same one you did. I’m working through a BE playthrough, and I made the opposite choice. I did it partly because I’ve seen some of the story from his playthrough so I wanted to choose something different, and partly because I started with BL so my feelings on Edelgard are colored by that experience.

    9. Lyudie*

      I started a new Dragon Age: Inquisition playthrough and I’ve been playing a lot of Animal Crossing. I’m waiting for the Stardew Valley update to hit the Switch, I do have it on PC but like playing on the Switch better.

    10. DarthVelma*

      I’ve lost my partner and gaming buddy to BattleTech this week. I prefer my strategy games real time rather than turn based, so I’m probably not going to fall down that hole with him. But I gotta say the graphics are nice and I love his blue and purple mechs. Fingers crossed this results in us picking back up Mech and Minions some time soon.

      The real life game I’ve been playing this week has been “find the dice”. My partner left out a bunch of his dice when we were playing board games a couple weekends ago, and the cat has been having a blast knocking them off the gaming table and leaving them like presents around the house. :-)

  9. Wanting to Give Back*

    Not sure if this question is appropriate for the weekend thread – please feel free to delete if it’s not!

    When giving to charity, what are the things you look for to decide if you should support an organisation? Any red/yellow flags I should keep an eye out for?
    Is it better to give small amounts to multiple causes, or the total amount to one cause?

    1. Doctor is In*

      I like to focus on local charities where I know the organization, or well known international or national charities (Doctors without Borders). There are web sites where you can see what percentage of their money goes to actually help the cause vs salaries and administration, just Google how to evaluate a charity.

      1. Natalie*

        I would really avoid evaluating charities by that method, and not just because I’m an accountant at an NFP and thus some of that overhead is my salary. People who work for non-profits deserve decent wages and benefits just like anyone else, and trying to keep “admin” below some arbitrary number just means employees get squeezed in all kinds of ways. It really doesn’t tell you if the organization is husbanding its resources well – program departments can waste money just as well as admin can – or having any kind of positive impact.

      2. Observer*

        The whole “overhead” thing is blown WILDLY out of proportion. A lot of that administrations stuff is legally required or simply essential to keeping the lights on while some of it is what enables the best results.

        As for salaries vs “help the cause”, that’s noxious nonsense. Really. Unless you think that any and all charities should be staffed by volunteers only it is simply impossible to “help the cause” without spending on salaries. And if you go to a volunteer only model, prepare to shut down every every effective charity that provides ongoing assistance that requires any level of professional accreditation or skill.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes! Salaries pay people to do the work; they’re essential. And charities that lowball their salaries tend to have higher turnover (which impacts their results) and not be able to attract the strongest people.

          Look at a charity’s results: What are the outcomes they’ve achieved?

    2. Asenath*

      I like small amounts to multiple causes, although I don’t give the same amount to everyone, but give larger amounts to ones that I am particularly close to. I usually go for smaller organizations, and I initially check out their administrative costs in the various online sources. My list of “regulars” (which is actually quite short) all work in areas that interest me especially (naturally), some locally active, a couple nationally, and one internationally. I don’t worry much if I agree with everything they do or say as long as they do have a major focus on something I support. I also often give small amounts to causes that are not on my regular list on a one-off bases – charities listed as “in lieu of flowers” in obituaries of people I knew, special fund-raisers for things like local schools, hospitals, shelters etc carried out by people I know. I try to keep my regular giving a bit focused because although there are scams, there are also far more reputable charities than I can afford to support.

    3. Buni*

      My main enquiry is how much of any donation actually goes into the work itself; the charities that funnel as much as possible tend to state this loudly wherever possible (usually ‘For every £/$ you give, x amount goes straight our work), so be wary of the ones that don’t seem to mention it.

      As someone who works for a charity, let me say that regular giving is what we crave the most. A guaranteed £$20 every month we know we can semi-rely on is way handier than the occasional / erratic £$100 dump.

      1. Reba*

        This year is the first time that we have done a recurring monthly gift (our neighborhood food bank/childcare/family support/they are truly amazing!). Usually we give once a year based on our financial picture that year. I can say that ongoing giving has actually changed how I feel about it, too — I’m glad to know that I’m supporting their work and I receive their updates as something I feel a part of, rather than an appeal for more money :)

      2. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

        Agreed – regular giving is fabulous and the lifeblood of many charities, especially at the moment when many of our other funding streams are really challenged.
        I agree in terms of how much goes into the work – however the key thing here is how much is going into direct delivery – remember that salary costs and similar are often part of that direct delivery, and charities shouldn’t be penalised for paying their staff living wages.
        If you’re n the UK, the Charity Commission search function has had a massive facelift and is far more user friendly for lay folk.

        1. Buni*

          Basically, regular giving allows us the luxury of being able to plan. We can’t make any future plans based on ‘Well we may or may not get a £500 lump sum some time this year’, but if we know that – short of people leaving – we have £100 regularly every month, we can plan projects / look ahead.

      3. Inefficient Cat Herder*

        Although I worry about charities (and charity rating sites) that push this to the extremes. There are overhead costs to running charities too, and they should pay their staff appropriately to be able to retain the best people for the jobs.

      4. Observer*

        the charities that funnel as much as possible tend to state this loudly wherever possible (usually ‘For every £/$ you give, x amount goes straight our work), so be wary of the ones that don’t seem to mention it.

        In my experience, almost the reverse is true. Organizations that trumpet how low their overhead is tend to be poorly run, hide their “overhead” expenses in various ways (some of which are REALLY, REALLY hard find even by a good auditor), or some combination thereof. Of course, that’s not universal, but very, very common. Because well run organizations know that a lot of that indirect cost is actually crucial to effective operation and / or planning and / or effective evaluation. But that’s often hard to explain to people.

    4. ten four*

      What a fun question! I agree with Bunni to check the amount of dollars that go to the work. Nonprofits are working organizations and they should absolutely pay their staff fairly; I look for at least 70% of the budget going to delivering work.

      Charity Navigator is a handy service for checking a nonprofit’s bona fides.

      I give larger amounts to a smaller set of charities, and I set them to be recurring every month so that the organization can most effectively plan their budget. I personally prioritize direct aid, but there are plenty of great organizations doing valuable work so that’s all down to your preferences and goals.

      1. Reba*

        There are so many important causes, it can be overwhelming! We decided to choose to focus on just a couple areas that are “our thing” and look for opportunities to give there.

        I do also send money directly to people I know who could use it, give to some Gofundme’s, and that kind of thing. Direct cash assistance is something I believe in strongly! Some community organizations and mutual aid groups distribute cash support.

        1. Susie*

          While I agree with direct cash assistance, I am really hesitant about gofundme. I’m the parent of a severely disabled child so many of the parents in our network rely on gofundme me support for the equipment and therapies they need. I also feel like it reinforces biases largely because people have to decide if a cause is “worthy” or not.
          So super complex feelings. Of course I’m happy to help a family that has to pay thousands of dollars for medical equipment that insurance won’t cover but I also work for structural or donate to an advocacy group who is doing the same. We’re lucky to live in a state that has fantastic programs and funds to help level the playing field, so we know it is possible.

          1. Reba*

            Oh, I definitely agree that GoFundMe is problematic in all the ways, and I STRONGLY agree with working for needed structural solutions! So often the stories that appear on GoFundMe and similar provide the most visceral indictments of inadequate social support and planning.

            That said, I feel that giving money to people who need money is good on the whole, and GoFundMe is a pretty easy way to do that at least on the donor side.

          2. lazy intellectual*

            I see GoFundMe as a symptom of a larger systemic problem (lack of government services etc) rather than a problem itself. It’s terrible that people have to advertise their problems online to get help they are already entitled to and should have access to, but alas.

      2. Susie*

        agreed… and I also check out guidestar.

        That said, I usually donate to local food pantries or charities whose work I’m familiar with.

    5. fposte*

      I have regular places I give to every year at least, and then I usually give to a few other places that grab my attention. (Like I just learned about the amazing Black String Triage Ensemble, which plays music at the site of community violence or tragedy.)

      I think it probably would be more quantitatively effective for me to concentrate my money more, but that would mean losing some qualitative effects, and for some small organizations I like even a small donation can be hugely helpful. So I’m likely to keep up my approach of core orgs and occasional donations outside of them.

    6. TextHead*

      I tend to give less money to more organizations because there are several different causes that are important to me. I use sites like Charity Watch and Charity Navigator to check their giving stats.

      I especially like to give to places that have benefitted me, like Khan Academy after using their videos all year.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      Check online charity rating sites: CharityNavigator, CharityWatch and Guidestar. These are all dot orgs.
      There are many great charities. This past year my local food bank got most of my charity dollars because many in my town can’t afford food due to the pandemic.
      Charities seem to like a constant monthly donation vs a lump sum but do whatever is most convenient for you. You also get to decide if you give to one or many charities. I give to many but the downside is the multiplying of solicitations for more money. I dropped more than one otherwise great charity due to the constant mail, email and phone calls.
      So be strategic in your giving. You’re already asking the right questions. Tell your charities how and how often you want to be contacted for more donations. Some charities can accommodate your contact preferences and some not.
      Thank you for your kind heart!

    8. Historic Hamlet Dweller*

      If you’re in the UK (or anyone else is) there are a couple of general things you can do to check things out:
      – Have a look at their Charity Commission register entry – look at overall financial sustainability, and if they’ve published 2019/20 finances, what they’ve said about the impact of covid organisationally
      – Big red/yellow flags include high turnover of very senior management or anything about “toxic” culture in the news – there’s been a lot of it about particularly in international development/aid charities
      – It’s also worth looking into whether fundraising subsidises services which should be funded by local or national government and whether that’s something you’re comfortable with
      – Think about your local mutual aid/food aid organisations – some of which may not be fully constituted charities but are providing a huge amount of frontline support.
      – Aside from that – it’s about what you care about and finding a charity that aligns with that

    9. D3*

      I’ve never, ever seen it, but you know what would be gold for me? A charity that I could donate to that would never, ever pester me for more. I cannot afford regular donations, but when I’ve had a windfall I’ve donated a few times, and it’s NEVER ENOUGH FOR THEM. I get hit up for more, more, more all the time and it’s turning me off from donating at all.
      It’s been 8 days since I emptied my email trash and there are 47 emails in there from groups I’ve donated to in the past. And I got two paper things in the mail this week, too.
      I would love to be able to donate to a group that sent me a single thank you email and didn’t try to milk me like a cow.

      1. OtterB*

        Yeah, that’s a problem. I understand that organizations are most likely to get donations from people who valued them enough to donate previously, but still. After Hurricane Sandy (which was 2012) I donated to a few charities that were local to New York that were helping feed people, and one of them still sends me an occasional piece of mail asking for more money. I did at least succeed in unsubscribing to their email list, telling them that I’d sent them one-time support and I was directing my giving in that area to groups local to me.

      2. Pocket Mouse*

        These orgs probably do not want to annoy you! In addition to unsubscribing, you can ask them to mark you as do not mail/do not contact in their system. (Hat tip to Alison’s “Have you tried being direct?”)

        1. D3*

          Oh, I have. They promise to take me off, and never do. Or it lasts for 6-12 months and then starts up again.

    10. OtterB*

      This is something I need to evaluate for our family. I have a mixed bag of things I support fairly regularly and have regular monthly withdrawals for some of them. I responded to the pandemic crisis by trying to be intentional about additional giving in support of local food pantries, funds that assist with utility or rent payments, support for the homeless, etc. It’s coming to feel less intentional, though, and more like randomly throwing money at problems to avoid thinking about them, and so needs to be reconsidered.

      Like someone else said, I also respond to one-off things such as charitable requests and GoFundMe campaigns boosted by someone I know (not necessarily in person). I don’t feel the need to investigate those as thoroughly as I do things I’m going to support regularly. Longer term, I look at things like Charity Navigator, the organization’s own website, and other online information about their goals and successes.

      I threw a lot of money at campaigns during this election cycle and need to think about what to do in that area going forward that isn’t waiting until 2022. I have been contributing small regular amounts regularly to nonpartisan groups for voter support and news literacy and will continue and maybe expand that.

    11. Jackalope*

      I personally like to give small amounts to multiple causes, and to pick something that resonates with me. I always make sure I’m giving regularly to at least one environmental organization, one women’s issues organization, one local organization, etc. Nicholas Kristof does a lot of research into charitable organizations and will recommend some that he thinks are doing a good job, so I’ve leaned a lot on his recs. He has several in books that he’s written (Half the Sky, for example), and he also puts them in his newsletter.

      Many people have talked about making sure the money has a high percentage of donations going towards the actual work. That’s really important, but I also want to underline that the percentage going towards overhead shouldn’t be too low, either. Overhead covers things like staff salaries and basic office equipment and stuff, and the orgs that have an overly tiny percentage of money going to that can be the ones that pay their employees tiny salaries and expect them to buy their own pens, that sort of thing. You can look it up and get a better idea for what an appropriate percentage of overhead is, but keep that in mind too.

    12. DataGirl*

      I usually either give to local charities or those run by people I know. There are lots of small charities in my area that help the homeless, runaways, LGBTQ+ kids, or kids without families so I mostly give to them. Sometimes I’m inspired by a news article to give to an animal related charity doing some specific thing. What I avoid are big names as they often put more of their money towards executive salary, administration, and advertising than the cause.

    13. lazy intellectual*

      Two cents on YouTube did a good video on this. Some things to consider:

      Concentrating on a few charities is better than spreading your charity budget across a lot of charities because of processing costs. As an example, if you set aside $100 to give to charities and spread it across 10 with $10 each, and each payment costs $1 in processing fee, then $90 goes to into the budgets of charities. If you donate $25 across 4 charities, then only 4% goes to processing fees and $96 goes to the actual charities.

      Local charities are generally better.

      However, if you are cynical about charities in general like I am, try to find mutual aid funds and GoFundMe’s to donate to over large charity organizations.

      Also, while charities should pay their employees good wages, beware of charity organizations that pay their execs exorbitant salaries. That is just sketchy.

      1. lazy intellectual*

        Two cents suggested allocating 80% of your budget to 1-2 big name charities (that are good), mutual funds, and leaving 20% of your budget for spontaneous donations – giving to someone’s GoFundMe or disaster relief donations.

      2. Natalie*

        It’s worth nothing that you can reduce processing costs by donating through your checking/savings accounts rather than by credit card. Some payment processors will also let you opt to cover the processing fee.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, this. I donate to two charities by monthly direct debit payments from my bank account, one is for human rights with a focus on the rights of women and minorities and the other is for the environment. Sometimes I’ll also donate to charity campaigns on TV, when you can donate by text message and it’s charged to your phone bill as an extra cost. This especially when my phone company is a sponsor of the campaign, meaning that they’ll pay the processing costs of the donation.

  10. Bobina*

    Food/recipe thread:
    Whats the best thing you ate this week? What are you cooking next week?

    I tried out Mandy Lee’s roast chicken method (actually pan fried) and it was so delicious I’m thinking about making it again already. If you go to Youtube and search for Mandy Lee Food 52 it should be the first video that pops up. I cheated by just using whole chicken legs rather than a whole chicken, but the technique is solid.

    Otherwise I need recipe inspiration for puy lentils. I bought a bag a few months ago that has just been sitting around and I’m not really sure whats best to do with them. Ideas please?

    1. M*

      We’ve been trying to eat more seafood and vegetables and less meat so I’ve been trying out a lot of new random recipes from the internet. Epicurious’s pineapple shrimp noodle bowls (I can’t eat shrimp so I made it with scallops) were fantastic- I could eat that sauce every day. They also have a recipe for warm winter vegetable salad with halloumi that even my children liked. Watching my PICKY children voluntarily eating cabbage was a moment. I’ve been craving black bean soup so that will be on the plan for this week.

      It has been kind of fun to meal plan with new restrictions. Finding new recipes and fitting them together to make a meal plan that lets me nextover and multipurpose is one of my favorite things so this has added a new dimension to my usual meal-planning.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Hi, re: the warm winter vegetable salad with halloumi, do you know if it’s good heated up the next day? I live alone, so even if I make a salad for two, I still have to eat it a portion another day.
        I made these Greek-style potatoes at the beginning of the month and they were incredible, but not so good reheated. So, I’ll be keeping the recipe for when we can eat with other people once again.

        1. M*

          I did not like it reheated but husband loved it. I thought it was a little too oily reheated. But i am especially sensitive to that.

    2. legalchef*

      Last night I made a riff on smitten kitchen’s pasta with chickpeas (hers is soupier than I like mine, and I like adding some extra veg in). I’ll put the recipe (as I made it) in a reply in case anyone is interested.

      1. legalchef*

        Chickpea Pasta
        Ingredients
        * 3-4 tablespoons olive oil
        * 1 small onion, diced
        * 3 stalks celery, diced
        * 2 large carrots, diced
        * 4-5 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
        * 6 tablespoons tomato paste (I use 5 plus harissa paste)
        * 1-2 tsp fresh rosemary, minced
        * 1 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste
        * Freshly ground black pepper or red pepper flakes, to taste
        * 2 15-ounce cans low-sodium chickpeas, drained and rinsed
        * 1.5 cup uncooked small pasta – ditalini, annelini, small shells, etc
        * 3 – 4 cups water or veg broth

        1. In a medium-large (4qt) heavy-bottomed pot or deep saute pan, heat olive oil until it shimmers. Add onions, and sauté until it starts to brown.
        3. Add garlic and cook, stirring until it becomes very fragrant.
        4. Stir in the tomato paste, salt, and pepper and cook them with the onions for 30 seconds or so. Add rosemary, celery, and carrots, stir for another minute.
        5. Add the chickpeas, pasta, and water. Start w 3 cups and add more if you like it brothier; different types of pasta will absorb different amounts of water (I used Annelini and 3 1/4 c broth). Stir to scrape up any browned bits on the bottom of the pot, bring to boil. Then lower the heat, cover, and simmer until the pasta is cooked and most of the liquid has been absorbed, about 20 minutes.
        6. Taste and adjust seasoning and ladle into bowls. Top w Parmesan and/or finishing oil

        1. Teapot Translator*

          OMG, I am stealing this and making it! I like recipes that have vegetables AND protein. I know I won’t eat the protein or the vegetables on the side, so I need it to all be together.
          Thank you!

      2. legalchef*

        Chickpea Pasta
        Ingredients
        * 3-4 tablespoons olive oil
        * 1 small onion, diced
        * 3 stalks celery, diced
        * 2 large carrots, diced
        * 4-5 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed
        * 6 tablespoons tomato paste (I use 5 plus harissa paste)
        * 1-2 tsp fresh rosemary, minced
        * 1 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste
        * Freshly ground black pepper or red pepper flakes, to taste
        * 2 15-ounce cans low-sodium chickpeas, drained and rinsed
        * 1.5 cup uncooked small pasta – ditalini, annelini, small shells, etc
        * 3 – 4 cups water or veg broth

        1. In a medium-large (4qt) heavy-bottomed pot or deep saute pan, heat olive oil until it shimmers. Add onions, and sauté until it starts to brown.
        3. Add garlic and cook, stirring until it becomes very fragrant.
        4. Stir in the tomato paste, salt, and pepper and cook them with the onions for 30 seconds or so. Add rosemary, celery, and carrots, stir for another minute.
        5. Add the chickpeas, pasta, and water. Start w 3 cups and add more if you like it brothier; different types of pasta will absorb different amounts of water (I used Annelini and 3 1/4 c broth). Stir to scrape up any browned bits on the bottom of the pot, bring to boil. Then lower the heat, cover, and simmer until the pasta is cooked and most of the liquid has been absorbed, about 20 minutes.
        6. Taste and adjust seasoning and ladle into bowls. Top w Parmesan and/or finishing oil (I use garlic oo)

    3. legalchef*

      Oh – for lentils, smitten kitchen has a really good recipe for lentil soup w sausage and kale. Maybe a lentil/rice dish? We’ve also made chili w lentils instead of beans.

      1. ten four*

        Lentil soup with kale and hot italian sausage is a staple in my household – that business is delicious!

      2. Bobina*

        Oh thanks for this! I made something like this during the week using black eyed beans, so may just try a variation with the lentils!

    4. Curly sue*

      One thing I’ve been doing during lockdowns has been working out kosher versions of the things we used to eat out, so I can make them at home. Last night Kid 1 and I made a dairy-free butter chicken that knocked all our socks off. The recipe (the one from the ‘Busy But Healthy’ recipe blog) uses coconut milk in place of that dairy, and I also added half a head of cauliflower in with the chicken. I could happily eat that every day for a week.

    5. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Have you tried mujadara? Super simple, easy, tasty and you can make it a main or a side. Easy to make veg/gf. Most recipes call for brown lentils but I always use puy, stock instead of water for cooking and garnish with toasted almonds as well as the onion. And always pickles on the side!

      Another quick fave for lentils is to toss them in a pan with some onion, garlic, chilli and a tin of tomato and finish with fresh cilantro. Goes great with a piece of grilled fish on a cool day!

      2. Bobina*

        Ooh. I have not but have had a google and am intrigued. Will probably make that or some kind of variation :D

    6. Parenthetically*

      Puy lentils are great in my all-time favorite salad. Bed of arugula, simply cooked puy lentils (just salt, pepper, chili flakes, bay leaf), roast pumpkin, crumbled bacon, goat cheese, and a hot bacon/red onion/brown mustard vinaigrette.

      1. M*

        that sounds delicious! I love anything with a hot vinaigrette. Do you have a recipe for the dressing or could you provide guidance on the ratios?

        1. Parenthetically*

          You can basically use any recipe you like, but the basic idea is to crisp up half a pack of bacon, crumble it, and set it aside, drain a little of the fat, then in the remaining fat, saute a small sliced or chopped red onion BRIEFLY, add salt and pepper, and then throw in a few good sloshes of red wine vinegar, a tablespoon of sugar (or sweetener of choice, to taste), simmer the onion for a minute (it kind of pickles it?), and then whisk in a big dollop of grainy mustard. Then adjust the seasoning, add the bacon back in, and dress your salad.

      2. Bobina*

        Ooh. Sounds interesting but definitely one to save for summer – at the moment its cold and grey and I just want warm stew/soup type things!

    7. Ali G*

      So for 12 weeks before Christmas we were on a strict diet exercise plan, took 2 weeks off, and started back up on the 4th. But we are being more relaxed on the weekends, so this weekend is the first time I’ve really cooked in a while. I missed it!
      Last night I made shrimp bowls with quinoa instead of rice. Tonight is beef nacho skillet with fresh corn chips.
      We are still mostly sticking to the tenets of the diet, but relaxing a little on the excluded items like dairy and starch. Tomorrow will prob be something from the freezer and some potatoes I need to cook.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Found a pork roast at the bottom of my freezer – “only” about a year and a half later, so should be fine though not optimal – and am now enjoying the aroma of balsamic-and-honey-braised pork from my Crock Pot. It’s a rainy day, so having my dinner simmering away all day will be nicely cozy and appetizing.

      In other food-news, I bought a small air fryer and may experiment with a small batch of buffalo wings for lunch!

    9. Nicole76*

      I found a recipe online that sounded interesting and asked my husband to make it. He said he was skeptical the entire time, but the end result turned out delicious, and since it’s just the two of us, it fed us for two dinners, and there’s still enough left over for lunch which makes me excited.

      The dish is called Spicy Pesto Pasta Alla Vodka and can be found at Half Baked Harvest DOT com.

      Note – The reason for the skepticism was all the pesto used, but it mixed in nicely with everything else and wasn’t overwhelming. Topping it with freshly grated parmesan just further enhances the deliciousness.

    10. Me*

      My favorite meal this week was a Spanish bean soup with cornbread. Such a simple meal and quite yummy.

      The soup uses garbanzo beans, onion, garlic, veggie broth and paprika. I keep dry beans and use an instant pot to cook them so it’s also a pretty cheap meal.

      There were no leftovers except a small slice of cornbread.

      Trying to clear out the pantry and freezers this month to make sure that things aren’t lost at the back of the shelves or bottom of the chest freezer. The side benefit is a reduced grocery bill. Surprisingly I still have most everything I need for most meals except for an occasional fresh fruit or veggie.

    11. Not A Manager*

      Cooks Illustrated has a nice recipe for a lentil/veggie soup using Puy lentils. It’s different from the soup I grew up with, which was a soft brown lentil mush similar to a split pea soup. This is more of a broth with distinct veggies and firm lentils. IIRC it’s finished with a bit of vinegar and herbs to round it out.

      If you go to their website you should be able to find it.

    13. WellRed*

      I’m hopefully making some sort of chicken stew (with pre-roasted chicken and a mix) and maybe some sort of white bean soup. I wish I had a big freezer, or at least one all to myself. I’d spend a week cooking and freezing stuff.
      Alas, we’re having torrential wind and rain (wish it were snow) so probably won’t get to the store today.

    14. Generic Name*

      Dal/dahl is a yummy thing to make with lentils. I eat it with naan, but it’s also good over jasmine rice.

    15. wingmaster*

      The best thing I ate this week was some grilled kalbi ribs. I didn’t have any KBBQ sauce, so I just did salt and pepper. It was still very tasty!

    17. Teapot Translator*

      Does anyone have ideas of what I could do with leftover hot-dogs? I was craving pigs in blanket last week (I have no idea why, but the beauty of being an adult is that I could just feed that craving and have pigs in blanket for supper!) and I had more meat than dough.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I like to buy refrigerated biscuit dough, wrap the hotdogs in them along with some cheese, and then bake them. I realize that’s basically the same thing you just made, though. You could cut them up and toss them in with mac and cheese.

    18. OyHiOh*

      I wandered into the kitchen today and thought, “I wonder if I still know how to make a decent omelette?” and proceeded to make a pretty good one. A little more brown than it should be, but tasty. Munster cheese and beef bacon for filling.

    19. Jackalope*

      Occasional treat that I made for myself this morning: banana oatmeal. Same proportions of liquid to oatmeal but with milk instead of water. Use a super ripe banana, a pinch of salt, some walnuts or pecans, and a spoonful of honey. So good, and one of my favorite weekend breakfasts, although I don’t get it very often since I rarely buy bananas.

      1. allathian*

        I had some oatmeal as well. I zapped a bowl of it in the microwave for a minute, stirred and then zapped it for another minute. I seasoned it with a little bit of salt and ate it with frozen blackcurrants from our garden and just a little bit of honey. Use maple syrup instead of honey if you want a vegan version. The blackcurrants are tart enough that I find they need just a bit of sweetener. Sometimes I’ll also put just a bit of cottage cheese in it for a bit more protein.

        This was the first time I made it for nearly a year, so I underestimated how much the oat flakes would expand when heated, so I put what I couldn’t eat in one go in the fridge and ate it cold in the evening. Delicious either way.

    20. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I wouldn’t say if it’s the best thing ever? but I just recently bought a new toaster oven when we moved to the new house . It’s a kitchen Aid and has a bunch of features like toasting, baking, air fry (!!!!!!!!!) and dehydrator etc some other stuff. Since I had a few cans of tunafish in the pantry that I wanted to finish, I made tuna “melts” which is basically toast with melted cheese and cold tunafish on it. I’m not sure if tha’ts the true definition of a tuna melt but I like the crispiness of the bread + melted cheese + chilled tuna.

      1. M*

        I need to buy an air fryer and our toaster oven is sub-par so I have been looking at this one. Can you tell me if it gets really smoky? I live in faculty housing in a dorm so if I set off my smoke alarm, the whole dorm has to evacuate. So I have been hesitant. I would love to hear from an actual owner about it.

    21. Pennyworth*

      The BBC recipe site has 3 pages of interesting recipes with puy lentils – just put ”puy lentils” in the ingredient search bar. Mary Berry makes a shepherds pie with lentils and mushrooms instead of meat, it looked good on TV!

    22. Marillenbaum*

      For lentils: I live in Bangladesh right now, and I have become a huge fan of khichdi. It’s a rice and lentil dish, very warming and comforting. I use red lentils (because that’s what I have in my house), but I think puy would be fine.
      Basically, you fry up some onions and spices, then toss in rice and lentils to toast lightly, then add liquid, cover, and simmer until the liquid is absorbed. Add a few green chilis and fresh coriander at the end, and hey presto!

  11. SaraV*

    Got the chance to drive through a blizzard yesterday morning to the place we don’t talk about in this thread here in the midwest. Interstate was completely snow covered, and I was doing a “blazing” 30-35 mph in a 65 mph zone.

    Left work 8 hours later…no more snow in the parking lots, and the roads were just damp. Saw several vehicles, though, deep in ditches off the side of the road. Even saw a pick-up truck on its side.

    And just a tidbit: A blizzard isn’t determined by the amount of snow you receive. (The local major airport final tally was 4.9″) It’s when you have wind gusts of 35 mph or greater, 1/4 mile or less of visibility, and it lasts longer than 3 hours.

    1. *daha**

      SUVs and other 4WD/AWD vehicles seem to be over-represented in the median. They make it lots easier to go straight ahead fast, but don’t actually help on the turns and stops. The drivers are over-confident. They also spend so much on the vehicle they skip out on buying winter tires.

      1. Stephanie*

        Yeah, I’ve noticed this. I was driving back home during a storm and it was the guys in the lifted trucks who were convinced they could go normal speed on the interstate.

        I have a compact car with FWD (but with winter tires) and *knocks on wood* that and driving cautiously has kept it fine so far since I’ve lived in the Midwest.

      2. NotQuiteAnonForThis*

        Notable during any snow event here in the Mitten. The fact that its 4WD and NOT “Four Wheel Stop” seems to be lost on many.

  12. Someone On-Line*

    Can I get some book recommendations for a workplace book club?
    A survey at the beginning said people mostly preferred mystery and action/adventure. The last book we read was The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelidis and they *loved* it.
    Now I feel some pressure to recreate the magic. Ideas?

    2. Tortally HareBrained*

      I’d like to suggest The Feather Thief by Kirk W Johnson. It’s a non-fiction book about a museum heist, the weird world of fly tying, and a not quite solved crime. I’ve read it in two books clubs and it seems to capture people because the story is just so weird. It makes for good discussion on motivations, addiction/obsession, the role of science, and other topics. You can find interviews with the author and quick glimpses of the story with a quick Google search.

    3. L6orac6*

      Redhead by the side of the road by Anne Tyler, not a mystery, it’s about relationships, nice easy read.

    4. Put the Blame on Edamame*

      Rogue Male by Geoffrey Household is a great page turner, as is The Mask of Dimtrius by Eric Ambler, both have some historical/political stuff to chew on as well. For mysteries I always recommend Georges Simenon, classic Parisian noir.

    5. Mr Jingles*

      I like Sebastian Fitzek’s books. They are reasly different crime books and thrillers. My favourite is The Eye-Collector

    6. GoryDetails*

      For mysteries, try Tana French; In the Woods is the first of her excellent “Dublin Murder Squad” series, but each book can be read on its own so you don’t have to start there. [One of the things I love about the series is its focus on the working relationships – good, bad, etc. – between members of the squad; might be a fun aspect for a workplace reading group.]

      Alison’s recommendation, Dear Mrs. Bird, isn’t especially mystery or action, but is a very entertaining read, and could make for some fun discussion.

      Oh, and an oldie but a goodie: Dorothy L. Sayers’ Murder Must Advertise is one of her “Lord Peter” mysteries, this one set in an advertising agency – loads of hilarious and spot-on commentary about that kind of workplace, which in some ways reminded me of my software-engineering jobs in the past.

    7. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

      Okay, so I’m guessing this means you want things that aren’t too long, racy, or depressing but are still awesome reads that are sure to garner different opinions and drive the conversation? If so, either The Butterfly Mosque or Alif the Unseen by G. Willow Wilson, Surely You’re Joking Mr. Feynman, 30 Days of Rain (and it’s sequels), The Tenant of Windfall Hall (this turned into a surprise favorite, everyone in bookclub fell in love with it), Funny in Farsi, The Third Eye by Tuesday Lobsang Rompa, The Happiness Project, East Wind West Wind or The Mother by Pearl Buck and those are all I can think of off the top of my head.

      1. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

        Whoops, kind of forgot about the mystery and action/ adventure towards the end there! Still good books though lol.

      2. L*

        I love East Wind West Wind! Found it in my mother’s collection and had to buy my own. A friend she lent it to finished it in one day!

        1. Enter_the_Dragonfly*

          I’m so glad! It’s so little known when really everyone should read it. I love how the protagonist adores her husband so much that only the reader gets to see how selfish he is, never the character.

          1. L*

            I need to read it again, I don’t remember much about the husband, just the rest of her family! He was very distanced from her till she wanted to learn more, is what I remember. And him being schocked at seeing her dying mother.

    8. AGD*

      Unknown by Didier van Cauwelaert is a fast-paced mystery-thriller (a translation, originally titled Out of My Head before the Liam Neeson movie). Or anything by Janelle Brown (maybe Watch Me Disappear).

    9. Someone On-Line*

      Thank you for the ideas everyone! I will write them down and hopefully find something everyone will enjoy.
      For the first month I chose “All Creatures Great and Small” and that did not go over well, so this group has very different tastes than what I’m used to!

      1. AnotherTeacher*

        That might be my all-time favorite book. It’s hard to imagine not loving it!

        I like all the other ones on these lists though, so perhaps I am just not very picky. :)

    10. Helvetica*

      “The 7½ Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle” by Stuart Turton – it reads very much like a crime novel though it has an additional intriguing layer of a time loop. I think it would a great book for a book club to read and discuss!

      1. Pennyworth*

        Seconding Thursday Murder Club. I’d also like to add that you can’t please everyone with a book club choice, and that is fine. I’ve had interesting discussions about books I didn’t like at all, and once recommended a book I found very funny only to discover a sole kindred spirit in our club.

      1. cleo*

        Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley is an excellent noir-ish mystery set in post-war LA. It was made into a movie staring Denzel Washington. It’s the first in Mosley’s popular Easy Rawlins mystery series.

        You might also try a Dick Francis thriller/mystery. They’re engaging, well written and without the toxic masculinity of a lot of similar authors.

        1. jolene*

          That’s because they were written by his wife Mary. After she died, the son’s name went on the covers but they used a ghost.

          1. allathian*

            I don’t really care who wrote them, I still enjoy them. “Felix Francis” took a while to get into his stride, but the most recent books are decent reads. If you read them all, you’ll also see how much the British racing world has changed since the early 1960s when he started writing.

            His wife Mary was a publisher’s reader, so she probably helped him with his books (she had a degree in English literature), but I have no doubt that the plotting and the knowledge of the racing world that’s so apparent in the books came from Dick himself. I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that she wrote them from scratch.

            1. jolene*

              Nope, she wrote them, and did all the research for the non-racing world books. She even learnt to fly for an excellent flying thriller. He was a lovely guy, but not half as sharp and articulate as her. You’ll see the quality of the books drop dramatically after her death.

    13. cleo*

      Accidentally replied to the wrong thread.

      Devil in a Blue Dress by Walter Mosley is an excellent noir-ish mystery set in post-war LA. It was made into a movie staring Denzel Washington. It’s the first in Mosley’s popular Easy Rawlins mystery series.

      You might also try a Dick Francis thriller/mystery. They’re engaging, well written and without the toxic masculinity of a lot of similar authors.

      When No One is Watching by Alyssa Cole is getting a lot of buzz. I haven’t read this because I’m wimpy about thrillers but I like the author. It’s a thriller set in a gentrifying neighborhood – the protagonists start to believe that something sinister is happening to the old residents leaving the neighborhood. It’s billed as a cross between Rear Window and Get Out. It might be a little political for a work book club, I’m not sure.

      1. cleo*

        Had one more idea. All Systems Red by Martha Wells. It’s a novella and the start of the incredibly awesome Murderbot Diaries series. It’s a SF mystery / thriller about a group of scientists studying an uninhabited planet and facing an unknown enemy. The narrator is a sentient AI / cyborg security unit that really just wants to be left alone to binge watch it’s favorite media but it keeps having to rescue the annoying humans and solve the mystery.

  13. Bobina*

    Plant thread:
    How are all your plants doing?

    I bought some heuchera seeds a while ago, and the instructions say you can sow them anytime but also that they are quite difficult to grow. I dont really know what I’m doing as a gardener but I like trying, so I sowed about half the packet. I was fairly sure it was a bust as after a couple of weeks nothing had germinated (and I’d seen the compost get mouldy in one spot) so I was getting ready to give up this week and then noticed some teeny tiny specks of green, so it looks like there is life after all! I’m not sure if the seedlings will survive really, its winter so there isnt lots of light and I feel like the temperature fluctuations with the heating going on and off probably dont help, but I’m just happy that apparently my technique of throw stuff in a pot and wait continues to mostly work :D

    I have some more seeds that I’m going to wait until Feb-March to sow. But I also realised that me being as impatient as I am is a terrible idea when trying to grow things from seed. Next time I should just suck it up and pay more for established plants!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A while ago I asked here, when I cut my spider plant baby loose, what should I do with the vine, and I followed the advice to cut the vine pretty close to the baby and let the mother plant reabsorb the nutrients from it — well, apparently the mother plant decided to reuse it because baby #2 is growing now :)

      I had a purple wandering dude who was looking pretty dire because he was shipped in the cold with no heat pack, but he’s doing better, standing on his own instead of flopping over, and the nubbins of new growth on the main stalk. So that’s promising.

      I set up an Aerogarden last weekend and the lettuces have already sprouted! And I have seeds for purple Serrano peppers en route, because that sounded fun. (Does anyone know if the Aerogarden light spillover is enough to be beneficial to other nearby plants, even if it’s not direct? The thing lights up most of the room it’s in, but I don’t know the fine points of how exactly the specialty light *waves hands* works.)

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        What’s your watering regime like for your spider plant? The plant tag on mine and all the articles I’ve read said they like to be kept moist but not wet, but I think I almost killed mine with overwatering… it seems like they might actually prefer to dry out a bit between drinks?

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Mine are in 4” pots and I have a reminder on my phone that goes off to check them at noon on MWF. I water them (probably a couple tablespoons?) as long as the surface soil in the pot is not damp to the touch, and I make sure there’s no water dripping out the drainage holes before I put them back in the saucer. (I don’t water them enough for that to be likely, but I always double check.) But yeah, the reason I first got the spider plant was because I have a tendency to underwater (due to forgetting, hence the reminders) and I gathered from some research that they would tolerate it better than some other options would.

          1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

            Ah, I was probably giving mine a fair bit more than that. I generally have the opposite problem to you, I’m too heavy-handed with the watering can. Then combined with COVID lockdown, they were getting far too much love!

            I saved a piece of my spider plant that’s been rooting in water (ironically!) since the overwatering incident. I think it’s ready to be planted out again so I’ll do that today and try the Red Reader watering method going forward. Thanks :)

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re Aerogarden lights: they can benefit nearby plants a bit – indeed, I’ve been leaving my potted plants next to the Aerogarden during overcast days, and can see the plants leaning towards the light. It’s not a perfect replacement for a sunny window or a separate grow-light but it does help. [I’m on my second major lettuce harvest now, with occasional single-leaf snacks now and then; love the fresh, clean leaves!]

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Sweet. I want to do some herbs inside, but the only place that has the space AND is safe from the cat is a room that gets about three hours of morning light a day, tops. So if I can kinda cluster some containers around the Aerogarden and benefit from that, it’ll help a lot.

          I put the lettuce in the Aerogarden because my husband likes it on sandwiches, so he’d buy a head of lettuce and eat like three leaves, then the rest of it would melt in the produce drawer :-P so the single-leaf snacks are exactly what I’m after! Hah.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve tried sowing from seed indoors a few times, and the plants grow; however, I seem to not be good at hardening off the plants. I’ve lost them every time. I might try once more and use one of those standing greenhouses in the house. Although, I have no clue what I’d plant from seed yet.

      Has anyone bought plants online? How do they ship them for maximum plant heath? I get emails from a few places and I always want to order something (it’s incredibly tempting when they posts all those beautiful pictures of mature plants and trees), but I’m wondering if they’re still healthy when they arrive.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Most of my houseplants came from Etsy. They’ve mostly been wrapped in plastic (or with plastic around the pot/dirt and paper around the plant) and then taped to the inside of the box, with additional packing around them. Sellers should offer the option to add a heat pack if the temperature on your end warrants it, but not all of them do. My pothos and peace lily were wrapped securely enough that they didn’t lose any dirt or budge at all even when the FedEx guy threw the box onto my porch from range AND it landed upside down. :-P (I have some seriously lousy delivery people serving my subdivision.) I did have a couple plants that arrived in bad condition, but I contacted the seller with pictures same-day and they sent replacements.

        But other than nurseries that do their selling on Etsy (and there are quite a few of those), I’ve never ordered direct from one of the big nurseries with shipping. I would assume though that if the little guys can do it, the big guys should be able to as well :)

        1. pancakes*

          Most of my plants are from Etsy, Pistils, and Growers Exchange, and that’s how they ship them too. So far, so good.

      2. fposte*

        Just about every plant I’ve bought has been from online. Bluestone Perennials is my go-to generalist for flowers; I’ve also bought from rose, peony, clematis, etc. specialists. It’s worth looking at the Garden Watchdog section of the Dave’s Garden website, especially the Watchdog 30. It’s not as well traveled as it used to be (it’s been around for something like 20 years now), but it’s still a good place to find nurseries and get warned off really bad vendors.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So I had to google heuchera seeds. Their germination time is 2-8 weeks.. yikes. If you know what day you planted them, I’d figure two months out from that what you see is what you will have. I’d be interested in hearing how much you ended up with.

      1. Bobina*

        Hah, I put a reminder in my phone because the packet did say it can be up to 60 days for germination and I wanted to make sure I remembered. Technically that will be up on the 6th of Feb so I can update you then.

        I do feel like they are trying to germinate but dying before really getting going because well..the conditions arent really ideal – but I’ll come back and share! And I’ll definitely try planting the second half of the packet mid-late spring when its warmer and there is more light so curious to know how much of a difference that will make :D

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I suspect more light is the ticket.
          I had gerbera daisies that I was wintering over. I kept them under a normal 4 ft fluorescent shop light.
          I had the light on a timer. I don’t remember how long but I am sure the light was on at least 12 hours a day.
          They did okay, they made it through the winter. I was able to divide them in the spring and get more daisies.
          They would have struggled without the light and the heat- by luck they were also near part of my heat system.

        2. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

          To speed up the germination when conditions aren’t great, you could try creating a mini hothouse by popping seeds in a pot, covering it with cling film, putting it in a sunny spot and keeping it moist. Then plant out once the seedlings have established. I tend to have more success with this than putting seeds straight in the bed.
          I had to look up heuchera too, what gorgeous foliage!

          1. Bobina*

            Yes, they are so pretty arent they! The main appeal for me was the interesting colours and the fact that they are pretty low maintenance, so fingers crossed they actually grow (although I do have 2 plants I bought at the end of the season from a shop near me, but I want more!)

            And yes, I have a mini-hothouse set up for them indoors, but I’m not really sure its meeting the criteria of warm and bright in the winter :/

            1. There's probably a cat meme to describe it*

              Well I hope they grow for you! I could picture a big bed or hedge of it looking absolutely stunning. I’m all about foliage, I find that for more interesting than flowers.

    4. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Anyone had much luck with oxalis? After much searching I finally found one and after growing ok (but not vigorously) for a few months it went dormant at the beginning of summer (I’m in Aus). So I put it in a cool dark spot (lol, cool for subtropics!) and ignored it for 8 weeks and today I brought it out. The tuber looked healthy so I gave the pot a soak/liquid feed/drain and put it in a bright indoor position so I’m hoping for the best..? I can’t find much useful info on oxalis for my climate so keen to hear what others have done.

      I lost about a dozen indoor plants due to a heatwave at the beginning of summer, my poor babies cooked! Grieving my entire collection of begonias, but I have cuttings of one that were propagating in water, so fingers crossed I can resurrect at least one of them :(

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Not yet, but I’m hoping to do a couple pots of oxalis for my porch this spring (US here) – I figure I’ll plant the bulbs in late February and stash them in my garage until April :)

    5. Buona forchetta*

      When my husband and I moved out West ten years ago we gifted my mother with our beloved and very healthy pathos plant. We moved back to the East Coast a couple of years ago and are just getting around now to re-plantifying our indoor environment. My mother this week dropped off cuttings from the very same pathos plant we gave her ten years ago and it feels like an old friend is back.

    6. CatCat*

      I just bought an Aerogarden and will be setting it up today. I’m pretty excited about it. It will be great to have fresh herbs to harvest during the cold months.

    7. TextHead*

      I brought some of my young potted trees inside for the winter and most are unhappy, unfortunately. I’m not sure if it’s sunlight (they have grow lights on them), drainage, nutrients, etc. I bought a soil testing kit to check some things, things, though. I’m hoping I can save them.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        It could just be the shock of the move? Some plants are like cats, they just have Their Spot and if you interfere with it they will Communicate Their Displeasure. It’s not something I need to do in my climate, but I’ve heard of people taking a hardening-off approach over a few weeks to ease the transition to inside conditions by moving them to a shadier spot first, then under cover, then inside.
        It sounds like your trees might need some time to rest and recover, so I’d avoid doing anything major like soil adjustments, repotting, fertilising, trimming back right now as that would just shock them further. You could try replicating what they had outside as best you can to soften the move. Maybe a cooler spot, somewhere with more airflow or a humidifier if the heating is drying out the air. But other than that it might be best to leave them be and even leave the dead/ratty foliage on. Some plants reabsorb the nutrients or use it for protection.

      2. willow for now*

        If they are ficus trees, those hate to be moved and will pitch a fit by dropping a bunch of leaves so you know they are unhappy, but usually come back okay.

    8. Llama face!*

      I am trying to sprout two kinds of seeds I’ve never grown before: avocado and spider plant. My spider made seed pods this fall and they finally matured. So I planted 8 of the seeds to see if anything will grow. According to my sources they are both very slow starters so I might have an answer in about a month…

      1. Nixologist*

        I had an abundance of spider plant seeds take and thrive in april/may, but the ones I’ve planted since then have not sprouted at all or been slow and tiny. I think sunlight is a part of in (I’m in the Midwest) but I think heat is the bigger variable.
        They are slow started but fast growers once the sprout! Very fun to watch.

        1. Llama face!*

          Good to know! I don’t have a heater to put them on/near but my home is always quite warm (about 25° C) so hoping they deign to sprout for me. My spider plant is also making traditional spider babies on stems so I can propogate that way too, but I thought it would be fun to try a different method.

    9. Might Be Spam*

      How long can I keep my green pepper plant going? I brought it in for the winter and it is still alive although not getting any bigger. Will I be able to get any more green peppers when I put it outside again?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have never tried this but I think part of your answer will be to give it plenty of nitrogen to encourage top growth.

      2. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

        Peppers are perennial as long as you don’t leave them out in the cold for winter! They can apparently grow to be rather large if given a big enough planter, and should put out new growth & new fruit every year.

        I’ve got a habanada pepper (heatless habanero) that put out a second crop of peppers after I brought it in this fall, and just this weekend put out some new green leaves. I’m planning to transplant it into a larger pot for the coming season and see how it goes.

    10. Helvetica*

      My cat has been eating my fittonia so I guess my plants are not great. I bought this one specifically so it would be safe but I did not expect her to eat so much of it! I never catch her doing it so I can’t forbid her but I see the holes and tears. Eh, cats.

      1. Natalie*

        Oh funny, I have a fittonia that I was going to mention, because I bought a terrarium for it that turned out to be too small. They like high humidity, so a bell jar or terrarium could do double duty for you.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood”*

      I tried my hand at bean sprouts and apparently I didn’t have conditions right…so tomorrow I’m going to plant my lentil seedlings and see if i can grow them in a house.
      I bought cilantro seeds to try same. All this will happen after i move some plants to the basement plant room…something smells weird enough that at first i wondered if i had covid. But it’s predictably when i water those plants, and does not hit me when I’m out of the house…phew.

    13. NotQuiteAnonForThis*

      We’re trying!

      We found the cutest little succulents at the grocery store. The “not-a-child-Mom”-child (I need to survive raising myself, I find) and the older sibling have taken over the care thereof. I dare say I see what looks to be happy succulents that are considering growing visibly. Older sibling has handled the care research and has labeled the pots with the proper Latin names because they “look cool”.

      Did I mention they’re tiny? Yes. They’re in 1.5″ diameter pots, if I had to guess. And they’re all over the place at home, just little happy pots of green!

  14. The Other Dawn*

    I wanted to say thank you to those than answered my question last weekend about the $64,000 surprise bill from my two surgeries back in March, especially fposte who recommended I contact the state’s health advocate–I never knew we had one. I also didn’t know the state had a “surprise bill” provision.

    I contacted the office of the healthcare advocate and they called me yesterday to explain the process and get some information from me. The woman was so nice and said they get tons of calls like mine. She also said they get lots of calls at the beginning of the year about prescription costs and coverage, such as someone’s company suddenly dropping coverage on a very expensive necessary medication. She said my bill definitely fits the definition of “surprise bill.” I now have an open case and I’m submitting the documentation this weekend. I also submitted appeals to the insurance company and I directly quoted the “surprise bill” definition from the statue.

    Coincidentally, the doctor’s billing service called again yesterday to state they appealed several times and need help from me to get the bill paid. I returned the call and got their voicemail (of course!), so I just let them know I’m appealing to the insurance company. They’ve only left two messages in two months and they haven’t been aggressive in nature, so I’m not worried it’s going to collections. They also haven’t billed me directly.

    This has been a big black cloud ever since I got the first call, and now I feel much better. Let’s hope it all works out!

    2. fposte*

      I’m so glad they were helpful! I hope it gets resolved, and I hope other states pass similar legislation.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Wow! Good job advocating for yourself!
      I didn’t know about healthcare advocates and “surprise bill” provisions!
      Thank for the info and Best of Luck!

    4. Buni*

      A lot of advice I’ve seen recently says ‘Ask for an itemised bill’. People were finding the usual ridiculousness of e.g. being charged $500 for a cotton swab, and the second it was challenged it was gone.

    5. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m glad to hear you’ve got the health advocate’s office looking into it on your behalf. Years ago I was an aide to an elected official, and companies take notice when government officials get involved. Good luck!

    6. Hound Fan*

      Make sure you let your benefits department know. They will alert the broker and the insurance carrier. Often, there are facilities and providers who do this regularly and the carriers have open fraud cases against them. You can be included in a case. The carrier will either settle or sue in bulk.

      I often find that carriers that over bill never send patients to collections as they are just hoping to pressure you to set up a payment plan.

      Good luck.

  15. Tiny toes*

    I’m looking to rent for the first time in 25 years. I’ve identified some properties that fit my criteria (price, location, amenities) and have decent reviews. What red flags/good signs should I look for when I tour? (Tours are offered by appointment right now.) Any questions I should ask, or look for in the lease?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      If they are apartments in a complex ask to see the actual unit that would be available and not just the model. Even if you can’t go inside (because it’s still occupied) you can get an idea of the neighbors, proximity to amenities etc.

      Do cruise bys at night to see what is happening. Is it quiet? All parking full? Stoop community? Etc.

      My first apartment I didn’t even think to ask about laundry since I had grown up with it in house. That was a fun slog.

      1. Generic Name*

        Heck, even ask to see an unoccupied unit that isn’t the model. I think some complexes have really nice updated models and then rent a unit that isn’t as nice. A friend of mine rented an apartment based on a tour of the model and was peeved that his unit had laminate and sheet linoleum rather than the nice tile and granite shown in the model. Not like laminate countertops make a place unlivable, but he felt deceived.

    3. Llellayena*

      How are issues handled. Who do you contact, how quickly can you expect a response/repair. What are you expected to handle yourself.

      Parking for yourself and guests. Guest policies. You don’t want to find out that having guests visit for a week violates your lease in the middle of the visit. Or that the only guest parking is on the street two blocks away.

      Laundry in unit, in building or off site?

      Bedbug policy (God forbid). Who pays, what’s the process, just in case.

      Package delivery. Are there automated lockers, cold storage (for flowers or food deliveries), pick up packages in the office only during business hours?

      Snow removal, assuming you live somewhere it’s an issue. How quickly do they get someone there and what gets cleared.

      Sound. Visit an apartment at a time when the surrounding residents are home and listen. How much can you hear of the neighbors?

      When was the carpet last replaced (if there is any)? If you’re planning on being there a few years and the carpet is old, you might want to ask for it to be replaced before you move in so you don’t have to deal with moving furniture when it does reach end of life.

      Everything else I can think to ask is stuff most people think about anyway. Good luck!

    4. WellRed*

      THere’s been a few letters here recently about problems with smoking. I’d ask about smoking policies.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Is it going to be noisy? In particular, if you’re on an ambulance/fire truck route, those will be out at all hours of the day and night. My current apartment is on an ambulance route, but our bedroom is at the back of the building so it’s not a problem.

      I’d also look at the wiring/electrical outlets, and what sort of internet connections are provided, or available.

    6. Jackalope*

      Consider location in the building if you’re looking for an apartment. My first apartment on my own I loved but it was ground floor and so everyone could see right in the many wonderful windows. Every person that lives in that apartment (I still live nearby so often happen to walk by) tends to keep all the curtains drawn! Also, I had a streetlight right outside my bedroom window that was so bright I could have read by its light, and people walking by on the street outside my apartment would be really loud and wake me up. Not on purpose, they weren’t being obnoxious, but they weren’t thinking about the fact that they were going by a place that would have people sleeping (there were things like a theater nearby so people would often be going around at late hours eagerly talking about the play they’d just seen). On the other hand, make sure if you’re higher up in the building that you can handle the stairs. Even if there’s an elevator, they go out sometimes. And laundry is an important issue too. I was fine with sharing a laundry room with other people but I wouldn’t have been okay with having to go offsite for it, for example.

    7. Dan*

      Make sure you know about:

      1. Laundry
      2. Heating/cooling. I will never again, if I can help it, live in a place that doesn’t have complete in-unit climate controls. Older high rises will often have a central boiler system for the heat and AC, and in those deals, it’s one or the other, and state law will dictate when they’re on heat vs ac. This can be problematic in regions where you get wild temp swings in the transitional months.
      3. Parking parking parking, for both the unit and the guests.
      4. This is one I haven’t seen discussed before, but I’ll throw it out: If looking at a high rise, do your best to figure out the elevator situation. In grad school, my building had two elevators, which was fine, except for the once in a blue moon situation when both were out. I had a 7th floor unit, and once or twice that year I hoofed it up the stairs. If you’re able enough to do that on occasion, then fine, but if not, you may need to thing really hard about accessibility. My place doesn’t have elevators, but I recently looked at moving — the yelp reviews were like, “peoples’ dogs pee in the elevators and they stink.” So there’s that.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      In addition to solid tips in the previous comments, check out how things work when you’re in the unit. Test out the burners on the stove, the water pressure of the shower, and the faucets. Watch to see if the sink and shower drain correctly. Flush the toilet. If there are blinds or curtains, try those out. Open and close windows. Test the heat and/or air conditioner to see how loud they are and if they’re blowing air that’s the right temperature. Turn the light switches on and off. Check to see if there’s a smoke/carbon monoxide alarm and a fire extinguisher (for the extinguisher, this requirement might vary depending on what state you’re in, I’m not sure). Etc.

      If you find that some of those things aren’t working well, it could be a hint that the landlord is not committed to taking care of maintenance issues. Alternatively, in some old buildings, it’s just how things work. I’ve lived in a rental where it consistently took a couple minutes for the water in the sink and the shower because the plumbing was a hundred years old. That was fine with me, just good to know before you sign a lease to decide what you are and are not comfortable with.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        There’s a word missing there. I meant to say that with old plumbing, it took a couple minutes for the water to get *hot*.

    9. ShinyPenny*

      Two things that might be relevant if you are more rural/suburban:
      If the rental is on a hill, gear changes from passing trucks and buses can be disruptively loud, and potentially constant.
      If it’s on a corner, oncoming vehicle lights can be unpleasant at night if you are sensitive to moving bright lights in a dark house/bedroom.

  16. Dear liza dear liza*

    If they liked THE SILENT PATIENT and want a more in that vein, I’d suggest THE LAST FLIGHT, BEFORE THE FALL, and PRETTY THINGS.

  17. Mee-ow!*

    Allison, I recommend the facebook group “Beautiful T O R T I E S with TORTITUDE” to see and share quality tortoise shell cat content.

  18. Mourning Reader*

    Recommendations for learning about money?

    I asked late last week about mourning rituals, finding myself in the strange position of being the last serving member of my family of origin. (Thanks for the comments and condolences.) Now I’m asking about this situation in which I find myself… most family assets have trickled down to me, and I find myself with more money than I’ve ever had or planned to have in my life.

    The proceeds of my parents’s house sale, my brother’s life insurance, and now my sister’s widower’s estate, which includes funds from his mother’s and brother’s estates (houses and retirement funds) all basically mine now.

    I’ve lived my whole life paycheck to paycheck. I’ve never been ambitious re money, and I was a single parent during most of my working years, prioritizing having a decent paying government job with good benefits over seeking higher paying, higher pressure, longer hours employment.

    This is a happy problem to have but now I need to educate myself about how to handle money. Not budgeting so much as investments, taxation, what is smart, ethical, reasonable. What do you all recommend for learning about these things? I know some titles, Suze Orman, Rich Dad, etc., but I’m not sure what would be most useful.

    For reference, I’m not a millionaire now, but i think the amount may be similar to what the retirement planning books say you should have. I’ve mostly ignored all that as being ridiculously overestimated or intended for people who want to live in big houses and take expensive trips constantly. I retired early and have lived on my pension about $2k a month with occasional withdrawals from the 401 for big things. I suppose I could move closer to the shore and mingle with the rich retirees, or go on cruises… don’t really want to do those things though. I don’t want to emulate family members and just sit on it all (apparently planning to need money late in life but died early) or fritter it all away like a stupid lottery winner or do the wrong thing and pay too much in taxes or fees to money managers…

    Help?!?

    1. Cubicle_queen*

      I can’t make specific recommendations, so I hope you get that from other commenters. But in general you could consider your money in 3 groups: save, give, and spend. Set aside the money you will live on through retirement & include enough for emergencies (that’s save). Set aside a percentage or amount that you want to give away: that can be charities that are important to you, scholarship funds, and being extra generous to people you know (anywhere from getting a friend a more expensive but much-wanted present, to covering the cost of a friend’s kid’s school tuition, soccer registration, annual pass to the zoo). And lastly some is just extra spending money for you—buy the more expensive dinner because you feel like it, jump for the pricier airline seat when you do travel, etc.

    2. Fair Winds*

      I am a Hugo fan of Dave Ramsey for learning about money management. Recommend checking out or perhaps calling into his podcast for advice. But I can tell you he would start by saying 1) go slowly. You are still experiencing grief and you don’t want to make mistakes with this gift due to emotion. And 2) do not do anything with the money that you don’t understand. Don’t let well meaning friends or salespeople talk you into doing something “they” think is best.

      Another’s option would be to see a fee only financial planner – recommend the Garret network to find so,done near you

    3. ThatGirl*

      Dave Ramsey may have decent advice but he’s a jerk personally.

      I would recommend a financial planner myself, look for a fiduciary (required to have your interests at heart). Money is so personal, and someone who can help you target your goals and knows you will be a lot more help.

      1. Amy Farrah Fowler*

        Ditto this – a “financial planner” doesn’t necessarily have to actually help you (and sometimes they don’t have any real training either), but if you work with someone who is a fiduciary, they are legally required to act in your best interests.

        As far as investments in general… the EASIEST thing to do in the stock market is to purchase an ETF (short for exchange traded fund). It’s sort of like a mutual fund because you’ll own small pieces of LOTS of companies. That way if one company tanks, your whole investment isn’t gone. It’s an easy way to spread things out and be safer (notice safer, not “safe” there is no investing in the stock market that is completely safe. If you’re looking for something guaranteed, you might investigate CDs or Bonds)

    5. Jay*

      A good financial planner is worth the money. Every penny. Ours is not paid by transaction but rather by a percentage of our total assets, so he has a clear incentive to maximize our returns. When we started working with him we talked about our values and the kind of investments we did not want in our portfolio. We also have an accountant and they work together to deal with the tax implications of interest payments and capital gains.

      Our financial planner did a thorough review of our spending and gave us a projection of what we needed to order to maintain our current lifestyle after retirement. If we’re willing to cut back, I can retire earlier (hubs is already retired). That helps us figure out how much we can give to charity every year. We’ve decided to do a large multi-year donation to a smallish organization because we really wanted to make a difference, and this org has been very important to our family over the years. We also give small amounts to other charities, some every year and some on impulse, but not enough to shift the budget.

      1. Oxford Comma*

        I second this. The people I go to looked at everything I had. Every policy. Every account. They had me do a budget. We talked about my goals. I wish I had done this years earlier.

    6. CatCat*

      The book “The Simple Path to Wealth” discusses simple approaches to investing and makes recommendations on allocations.

      The book “Quit Like a Millionaire” has a couple chapters on taxes and tax efficient draw down strategies.

    7. Girasol*

      Me too – last of my line with an unexpected inheritance. Sounds like you have enough that you could start or add to a retirement fund. Mutual funds are a good place to put money where it can grow faster than it will in the bank but without the level of risk that you’d incur and knowledge that you’d need to invest in stocks directly. If you have a 401K, you could contact the company that holds it and ask about their advising services. If not, you might consider one of the big dependable companies – Fidelity, Vanguard, T Rowe Price, for example – and see if one of them has an office and advisors in your area or can manage a remote consultation. They will, of course, be trying to sell you their services, unlike a financial advisor who has nothing but advice to sell. But if you’re the sort of person who is comfortable saying, “I’ll think about it and get back to you” when someone says, “Let’s sign you up right now!” then you can get some great financial info that way for free. They can show you how to use their free tools to model your expenses and assets and see how much to save and how much you could spend for the life that you want. They would probably leave you with more questions than you had before, but they’d be more educated, specific questions that you could research online. And then you could decide if you like their services or not. But even if you walked away, you’d have learned a lot from an hour’s discussion.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      For myself one investment I actually did do was to secure my home so I can age in place here. I have turned quite a few things around to accommodate Elderly Me. I am 60 now, but I have no doubt that the next 20 years will fly by.

      If you plan on staying where you are you may want to look into the whole concept of how to set a home up to age in place.

      I know that is not the question you asked, and it’s an odd twist on the idea of “investments”. It could be you already have yourself set up nicely. So if this doesn’t apply, feel free to ignore me.

      1. Morningstar*

        I have some vague ideas for setting up a retirement home … an accessible shower or walk-in tub & maybe some landscaping with plants/rocks to eliminate mowing. What other projects have you done? I’m sure there’s plenty of things I haven’t thought of.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I targeted health and safety issues first.
          Then where ever work was being done, I made sure decisions were made with ease of use in mind.

          Some of the stuff included:
          Adding hand rails
          Adding lighting inside and outdoors
          Fixing steps that were not really safe
          Sealing up this old house to protect from critters and insects, plus drafts in the winter.
          We upgraded the locks and even added a few locks on some doors.
          Oddly, I got a larger mail box with the idea that I would be ordering more things online.
          I also added a box on my porch for packages.
          Some of my outlets got raised up so Elderly Me did not have bend over so far or reach around things in odd ways.

          I did get a new furnace, the old one was Not Well At All. This upgrade cut my fuel bill by 40%. Nice savings for older me and also much safer here now.

          I held off on the bathroom accessibility stuff because older me will have a limited income and IF I need that I may be able to get a grant. Right now I don’t need the upgrades and it is possible that I could chose things that would not fit the way I deteriorate… I could end up replacing it again. ugh. Things like lighting and hand rails are sure bets, just my thought on that though.

          I bought a label maker and I labeled water shut offs and the circuit breakers plus a few other things. This type of stuff I forget or if I am having an emergency, the extra clarity would be very helpful. Plus my usual furnace people or plumbing people will retire and I will have to get new people. Labels will make it easier for the new people.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      There’s plenty of advice out there. If you hire a CERTIFIED financial planner, make sure they have letters after their name (meaning some kind of financial education). ANYONE can claim to be a financial planner in the U.S. Also, don’t use one that takes a percentage of your wealth. Use a fee-only planner. You can get referrals to fee-only planners in the U.S. from the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors, the XY Planning Network, the Alliance of Comprehensive Planners and the Garrett Planning Network. You should have a free, get-acquainted meeting before making any commitments. (I met with a planner but found her so off-putting, I didn’t retain her services.)
      You can also do it yourself. I did – with a lot of reading. The biggest advice is don’t invest in something you don’t understand. (It’s no crime to keep it all in the bank, if that lets you sleep at night.) Typically, you can spend 4% of your net assets per year without depleting your wealth but don’t forget about inflation! Everything will go up in price over the years, sometimes by a lot.
      It is a great kindness to those you leave behind to have a legal will, especially if you own real estate. A revocable trust can save time and taxes. Consider leaving something to charity.
      True wealth is living your life the way you want to. Living well below your means is fine, if that’s your style. I prefer peace and quiet myself. Congratulations!

    10. Incessant Owlbears*

      I am sorry for your losses.

      Money decisions are very personal, and often based more in emotions than logic. That said, I’ve learned a lot from the community at Bogleheads.org, who follow the philosophy of Jack Bogle, creator of the index fund. They have a very informative wiki, including a page on How to Manage a Windfall, which might be helpful for you, and an active forum. The population tends to skew older and male, with very… expansive… definitions of what constitutes “enough to retire on,” but if you can look past the posts about “woe is me I only have $5 million, can I retire yet???”, there is good info to be found.

      For me personally, I like how the advice there empowers me to make my own decisions and understand how simple money management can be. They hammer home the point that if you intend to live on a 4% yearly withdrawal from the principal, paying someone 1% to manage the money constitutes a 25% reduction in your retirement income, which seems like a lot more when you look at it that way.

      1. Nautilus*

        I second the boglehead.org community. I really appreciated their very educational wiki that is both basic but moves to expert. The comment/question is very helpful and respectful and remind me about of AAM.

    11. The teapots are on fire*

      I think Andrew Tobias’s books, though older, offer accessible, sensible information, and there are a lot of good tips on The Simple Dollar, especially articles by the founder, Trent Hamm. There’s a lot of common sense there and Andrew Tobias does a good job of explaining basic financial terminology and I personally find him hilarious. I think laughter improves learning.

    12. anonlurkerappa*

      The Personal Finance Reddit might be a good resource. They specifically have a ‘Windfalls’ section in their wiki
      www DOT reddit DOT com/r/personalfinance/wiki/windfall

      A financial planner might be helpful. They’ve done this (or something similar) before, and are generally going to be a good resource. Make sure they have a fiduciary duty to you.

      Here are two places where you can look for financial advisors in your area: www DOT napfa BOT org/find-an-advisor, www DOT letsmakeaplan DOT org.

    13. Mourning Reader*

      Thank you everyone, I’m taking notes on all this and it’s very helpful! Especially the tips on finding a reputable advisor, and having a budget for giving and generosity. So far I have done more than my usual amount of end-of-year giving, a large check to the cat rescue who found homes for my bil’s pets, and some minor impulse buying like new cat toys on chewy, otherwise have resisted any major moves. I have some homework to do!

    14. ronda*

      There are many websites under the FIRE (financial independence retire early) with lots of advise and info on topics that might impact you.
      My favorite one is Mr Money Mustache. I dont think you need to be a loyal follower of all his ideas and thoughts on the matter but I do think he is entertaining and does have a lot of good ideas (I like his early articles much better than his more recent ones)…. just apply the ones you like and ignore the ones you dont. There are also many other bloggers and if you search on them you might find someone who is more inline with how you think and what path you would like to take. The sites also often have forums where you can find discussions of different topics that might interest you.
      Boglehead is great too. The thing to watch out with them is in the forums, lots of folks dont think you will ever have enough money :) The wiki is very helpful on this site.. this page about most tax efficient investments is very helpful: https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Investing_FAQ_for_the_Bogleheads%C2%AE_forum#Which_funds_should_I_place_in_my_taxable_account.3F

      I did do an initial meeting with a couple different financial advisors to see if I wanted to get one. They did come up with a proposed plan (including a list of stuff like make a will, etc) for me before I was a client. I did decide to go with the one who seemed more inline with my thinking, but I am not really sold that they are worth the money I spent on them. I dont think they are bad and putting me in bad investments (some do), but I dont think they are doing much better than I would do with following the initial plan they gave me on my own.
      I think the initial consultation was very valuable, but the ongoing service… not so much.

      It sounds like you have plenty of money for your needs, so dont worry yourself about this too much and just look into the items that you think will help you and dont stress about the ones that seem too difficult or complicated.

      If you want to you can also research lots on how to optimize reducing your taxes. examples: (1) 401k will usually have minimum distribution amounts and that might put your income in a higher taxable range. Some folks do a Roth Conversion Ladder, to get money out of 401k (might have to convert to IRA first) and into a roth that does not have required minimum distributions (RMD) and will not require the heir of the account to pay taxes on the money. If this is a good idea, depends on your current tax rate, and your expected future tax rate, your expected RMD amounts and where exactly it puts you in the tax bracket. (2) tax loss harvesting and tax gain harvesting (be aware of wash sale rules) – When you sell stocks you have a capital gain or loss. tax losses can offset tax gains, ST and LT holding have different tax rates. the tax rate on LT gains is 0 up to a certain $ amount depending on your filing status. So managing your sales on stocks, etf and mutual funds can help with reducing your taxes.

      1. ronda*

        And…… when selecting funds to invest in, I look at make sure no load fees(cost to buy the fund), low expense ratio, and if in taxable account low capital gains distributions (turnover rate is a good indicator that this might be high — ie how often they sell stocks). Each fund has this easily available to see on the internet.

        The low expense ratio funds are usually index funds, so most funds that are based on that particular index are going to get similar results. Active funds are managed by the fund managers rather than just buying what is in the index, these some times have better results, but studies show most of them they dont and mostly dont outperform index in the long term.

        I favor Vanguard and Fidelity cause they are firms with many funds in my selection criteria. — do note that someone mentioned etfs…… at vanguard the etf and the mutual fund are the same thing, just etfs trade midday when you make a trade and mutual funds trade at the end of the day you make the trade. I stayed with mutual funds at vanguard cause I was already in them.

        And for your heirs. putting your beneficiary selections in with the investment firm is going to be the easiest for them when they inherit. It is just a call and a copy of the death certificate to get the money transferred. If it is just listed in a will that has many more steps to get the money transferred.

      2. ronda*

        and the critiques I have seen of dave ramsey are:

        He is great for getting out of debt.
        His investments advice is not that good.

        I havent really looked at his stuff cause I didnt have debt problem and that seemed to be his area of advise that is strong.

    15. Ali*

      I have a friend who was fairly poor for most of her life, and then got a great book deal in her forties – she’s now basically financially set for life. Those were happy circumstances, and she said she still had to do a great deal of work with her therapist before she was comfortable doing any significant spending. You might consider finding a therapist if you don’t already have one just to work through money thoughts.

    16. Anon YNAB fan*

      “Invest Like A Pro” by Jesse Mecham. Very no-nonsense, easy to understand, and backed by research. Available as a free ebook too. He also runs YNAB (you need a budget) which is a budgeting app. What I like about him is that his main budgeting message is to empower you to both save and spend consciously on what you really want to prioritize, whatever that is if it will make you happy.

    17. I'm A Little Teapot*

      My advice: don’t change anything for a while, or at least keep it to the minimum. Do some self education! Managing money, especially when you haven’t had to do it before is a skill. And don’t do anything you don’t understand – it’s your money, you have the right to demand a clear explanation. The internet is your friend to help you research and look up anything.

      I recommend J Collin’s stock series for starting to learn about investments and the stock market. His bias is towards index funds investing, which also happens to be pretty simple and low maintenance once it’s setup.

      Otherwise, a good system for budgeting is your friend! Whatever works for you is fine, it doesn’t have to complex in order to be effective. Take time, live your life, you just have some stress lifted.

    18. Olive Hornby*

      I’m so sorry for your losses. To get a baseline understanding of personal finance, I’d strongly recommend the book The Index Card, which is a really great introduction to thinking about money that isn’t trying to sell you something (one of the authors, Helaine Olen, is a Washington Post columnist who has written very critically about the personal finance industry and folks like Dave Ramsay, Suze Orman, etc.)

  19. Scout Finch*

    I was swamped with spam calls this week – like 70 in a 2 hour period on Tuesday. My Android (Samsung) has a Block Number function that works well, but the spammers just call from another spoofed number.

    I am ready to install an app (paid is fine) to try to retrieve my sanity.

    Looking for recommendations for Android spam blocker or whatever the apps are called. Thank you in advance.

    1. LGC*

      How new is your phone? IIRC, newer versions of Android have spam call filtering built in. I’ll link to Google’s documents below, although those are for standard Android. (I think Samsung’s newer phones hew closely to it, but it might be slightly different.)

      2. Scout Finch*

        Probably 3 years old – I know. I am thrifty…OK -cheap. But I use my phone as just a phone and sometimes a camera in a pinch.

        1. LGC*

          Okay, then it should support call blocking then! I think Samsung has its own method as well, which I checked – it uses Hiya, which is a call blocking app.

    2. CoffeeforLife*

      You could set a Do Not Disturb so that all calls will go to VM except those that are on your priority list (or entire address book).

    3. WellRed*

      I’ve been getting a lot of spam calls. Yesterday, I answered one with a very calm “F**k Off” and hung up. It made me laugh even if it accomplished nothing.

    4. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

      I had the same problem a few months ago, which is continuing to a lesser extent now. The answer, unfortunately, is all you can do is block the calls as they come in and hope for the best. There’s no way to completely stop them other than setting your phone to Do Not Disturb, with an exception for your contacts. Even then, the calls will come through; the phone just won’t buzz or ring.

      I guess it’s nice that Samsung marks calls as “Suspected Spam,” but what would be really nice is if the calls were completely blocked and never reached the phone, rather than just marked spam. I’d personally be willing to take the risk that one in 1000 of those might be legitimate.

  20. families!*

    Any breakfast ideas? I am looking for a change! I’ve been having oatmeal with nuts and raisins (or some variation of this) and sometimes have a savory oatmeal with eggs, but I am getting bored of it. I am open to non-traditional ideas but hopefully something that is quick/not a lot of cooking. Thank you!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Turkey or ham sandwich, or PB&J! Not just for lunch :) but more breakfast-y if you use toaster waffles instead of regular bread.

    2. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      Chia puddings and Bircher muesli are easy and you make them the night (or a few days) before so they have time to soak – so they’re quick to grab in the mornings. Definitely a summer breakfast though!
      A cooler day one is to put something (scrambled eggs, ham, veg, spag bol leftovers, whatever) in a tortilla wrap with cheese and pop it in the oven or sandwich press. The tortilla goes crispy on the outside and it’s cheesey-licious.

    3. micklethwaite*

      I make frittata-type solid omelettes in advance and cut slices for breakfast – you can put basically anything in them so it’s so easy to change up the flavours.

      1. ThatGirl*

        A variant on this is egg muffins though I strongly suggest a silicone muffin pan because they usually stick like crazy to metal.

    4. Rebecca Stewart*

      I make a hybrid of a crustless quiche and a cheesecake with various savory things in it. We keep it in the fridge and they cut a slice and warm it up for breakfast. The current one is bacon and spinach and onion and mushroom. After that comes sausage and cheddar (it’s in the freezer) and a chicken bacon ranch with swiss one (also in the freezer, I did it yesterday)
      It’s pretty much “beat 6 eggs with a block of cream cheese, spice as you like, add meat/veggies/cheese to suit, dump in a greased pie plate, bake til set.” We get eight slices out of one pie plate.

        1. Rebecca Stewart*

          I bake it at 350 for 45 minutes or so. Basically, til set in the center and going golden brown round the edges.

        1. Rebecca Stewart*

          For anyone curious, here’s my rotation. My partners each have a slice of this every morning for breakfast. And I’ve made all these and they work. We have a formal rotation so we don’t burn out on any one thing.

          1: Ham with grilled onion and sweet peppers, Mexican spicing, chipotle cheddar shreds.
          2: Bacon with caramelized onions and Swiss shreds.
          3: Sausage with spinach and mushrooms.
          4: Lamb gyro: ground lamb seasoned, feta cheese, fresh onion, fresh tomato and a dollop of tzatziki sauce in the batter.
          5: Ham with chopped broccoli and Swiss cheese
          6: Bacon with spinach, onion, and mushrooms.
          7: Sausage and cheddar
          8: Chicken bacon ranch: ground chicken, ranch dressing spices, 1/4 c powdered buttermilk in batter, quarter pound of diced cooked bacon, and Swiss shreds.
          9: Sliced steak with onions and mushrooms.

    5. Colette*

      I’ve done eggs in muffin cups – line the cup with a piece of cold cuts, break an egg into it, season, and back about 25 minutes at 350. (You can also do mini-omelets, if you prefer). They freeze well; then it’s a matter of taking one out of the freezer and heating it up.

    7. Mephyle*

      Quick and minimal cooking: make a little extra of your lunch or dinner. Then all you have to do is assemble it (if it’s like a wrap or sandwich), or heat it up (if it’s like a soup, stew, meat/fish&veg, rice, etc.) Or if it’s a dish eaten cold (like a hearty salad), no preparation needed at all.
      If you don’t want to eat the same thing two meals in a row, skip a day or two, so that the extra food left over from day x is designated as breakfast for day x+2 or x+3.

    9. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I hate cooking anything that isn’t super quick and easy first thing in the morning, but my wife can’t start her day without a hot breakfast in the winter. So I’m a big fan of things you cook ahead of time and reheat all week.

      Stratas are infinitely versatile. If you have bread, eggs, and milk just throw in whatever precooked meat, veggies, and cheese you have on hand. I recently did one with sourdough, apple sausage, spicy peppers, sharp cheddar, and cranberries.

      I also frequently make a crustless quiche. Just butter a pie dish, throw in some diced meat and veggies, pour in the custard (with whatever spices and optional shredded cheese), and bake. I just pulled one out of the oven that’s ham, leftover roasted Brussels sprouts/turnips/potatoes, and smoked gruyere. You can top this with sriracha or salsa, and it goes well with a side of baby greens. You can wrap and freeze individual slices of you get tired of eating the same thing every day.

      You could also try grits/polenta for variety. Instant grits can be dressed up any way you’d eat oatmeal, or you can bake old fashioned grits until they’re fairly solid, then reheat a square in the microwave and top with a fried egg. Cheese grits are classic, but I also love savory pumpkin grits.

      Anytime I have leftover garlic bread I like to make quick breakfast toast. Top with smashed avocado or beans, leftover guacamole, or hummus, and either an egg or something like a slice of ham or turkey. A handful of sauteed greens is nice if you have a couple of extra minutes.

    10. Not A Manager*

      I have been “poaching” eggs per the Cooks Illustrated method, which is super easy and reliable, and serving them over whatever I want.

      Lately I’ve been slivering raw Brussels sprouts and lightly steaming them in the microwave for about 60-90 seconds, then mixing them with a little smoked salmon or any leftover protein. I crack the eggs on top. The whole process takes 8 minutes or less.

      To “poach” the eggs, bring a small amount of water to a boil in a small saucepan (about 1/2 to 3/4 inch). Add 2-4 whole eggs cold from the fridge. Cover and steam for 5-6 minutes. Run cool water over the eggs just until they are cool enough to crack, about 30 sec. Peel under hot running water – they are easier to peel than hardboiled eggs.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Not really. It’s important to steam the eggs and not boil them for this technique. It allows the whites to cook through while keeping the yolks runny.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I mean, your description is basically how I make hard boiled eggs, I just leave them in longer. But I don’t wanna fight about it or anything :)

            1. Not A Manager*

              You can definitely hard cook them this way. I used to get frustrated trying to soft cook an egg where I could never get a firm white AND a runny yolk at the same time. This technique, in which you don’t submerge the eggs in water but rather steam them in a small amount of water, lets me achieve that. I don’t care if it’s called poaching or something else, but the key really is not to “boil” them in a water bath.

        2. Batgirl*

          Yes I would call this a soft boiled egg but the steam technique sounds like it is SO helpful whatever you call it, since you can’t have soldiers unless the yolks are soft and whites are set. I love soldiers! I am five.

    11. TextHead*

      I used to do a fried egg sandwich each day – one egg to your liking, toast, bit of salt, some mayo, done!

      Though that’s still my fallback, I’m trying to cut carbs at breakfast, so some current things:

      – Keto zucchini fritter (I make a big batch and just reheat in the morning) with an egg on top

      – Baked egg/ shirred egg/egg en cocotte. This takes awhile, but the actual hands on time is low. Lots of options and variations. I typically do mine with a base of sautéed mushrooms.

      – Egg over easy, a piece of crispy prosciutto and/or sautéed mushrooms, and some avocado.

      We also “cheat” and get a two pack of quiche from Costco occasionally. Cook one up, cut into 6 slices, and reheat on the next days.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      A friend of mine is fond of mixing veggies in a blender and drinking it down. He says it gives him a real energy kick.

    13. Courageous cat*

      Shakshuka! Bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich on a bagel! Avocado toast! Peanut butter toast! Waffles!

      I love breakfast.

      1. Yum.*

        I love cinnamon toast and had it instead of birthday cake last year. Unfortunately it’s been so many decades since I’ve made it, it didn’t come out right. How do you make yours?

    15. Jackalope*

      I posted elsewhere on today’s thread but I like banana oatmeal for a bit of a change. Use milk instead of water, a super ripe banana, honey, and walnuts or pecans. Very tasty and feels a bit decadent even though I eat oatmeal a lot.

    16. SG*

      Have you every done baked oatmeal? It’s amazing! My sister hates oatmeal but loves baked oatmeal! My favorite way to eat it is cold or room temperature out of hand (it’s solid) or with some soymilk poured over it. You can also replace the raisins/craisins with fresh chopped apples, berries, or even chocolate chips!

      I also use soymilk instead of milk, and I cut way back on the sugar — I only use a quarter cup of sugar if that!

      (Btw, your home will smell amazing while this is baking!!)

      Baked Oatmeal

      2 3/4 cups old-fashioned oats, uncooked
      2/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
      3/4 cup raisins or Craisins
      1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
      1/2 teaspoon salt — optional
      3 1/3 cups skim milk
      2 whole eggs or 4 egg whiles — lightly beaten (or 1/2 cup egg substitute)
      1 tablespoon vegetable oil
      1 tablespoon vanilla
      fat free milk or nonfat yogurt and fruit — optional

      Heat oven to 350 degrees. Spray 8-inch glass baking dish with cooking spray.

      In large bowl, combine oats, sugar, raisins, cinnamon and salt; mix well. In medium bowl, combine milk, egg whites, oil and vanilla; mix well. Add to dry ingredients; mix until well blended. Pour into baking dish.

      Bake 55 to 60 minutes or until center is set and firm to the touch. Cool slightly. (Mine cooked in about 50 minutes)

    17. Double A*

      I’ve been eating butternut squash soup for breakfast with toast and it’s awesome. You can bake a bunch in advance on the weekend then it’s super easy all week.

    18. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      My daughter usually eats supper leftovers for breakfast. She’s not a fan of traditional breakfast foods. So that’s one idea.

      I’ve started making something that works well for both breakfast and lunch, when I have falafel in the fridge (ot freezer).

      Crumble the falafel and pan fry until warmed through, with some crispy bits.
      Add some cooked brown rice or other grain.
      At this point you can add extras to bump up the flavour. I like crumbled feta, halved cherry tomatoes, fresh cilantro, but I often just go through my leftovers and see what might work well.
      Add a squeeze of lemon juice or a big spoon of leftover hummus or tahini sauce. Add some chili if you like spice for breakfast.
      Season well. And serve.

    19. Holly the spa pro*

      Everyone’s bfast ideas sound so good! I also dont like to spend tons of time in the morning making breakfast and i need something that keeps me as full as possible for at least 5 hours because i dont really get breaks at work, not long enough to eat anyways.
      My go-tos:
      Black beans and boiled eggs with salsa and hot sauce. You can even prep the full week ahead of time. I use a half can of beans and 2 eggs for each portion. I like the beans hot and the eggs cold so i use separate containers, microwave the beans then slice the eggs over top. Sounds weird but its so good. You can add avocado, tomatoes, mushrooms, bacon, whatever you have.

      Salad kits: the prepackaged ones in the produce section. I split into two containers and add whatever meat or eggs i have on hand and that is breakfast and lunch for the day. My coworkers all find it weird that i ear salad for breakfast but again, healthy and lazy.

      Overnight oats: kind of more work on the front end but super versatile and can prep enough for several days.

    20. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      It’s probably too late for you to see this, but my 9- year- old nephew has been having grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast lately and enjoying then immensely, so that’s am idea!

  21. Ears*

    I have a health related question (nothing graphic, but possibly a little gross). I’ve already seen a few doctors about it.*

    For a few years, I’ve been going through a cycle where I wake up through the night to find that my left ear is wet and I’m scratching it (the wetness is a colorless to slightly yellow discharge). I put Cortisone cream on it, and stuff bits of tissue in my ear to soak up the discharge because I hate the wet feeling (I change out the tissue bits throughout the day). The discharge clears up after several days. I’ve tried wearing gloves in bed, but still seem to end up scratching.

    It’s gotten to the point where as soon as I think it’s cleared up, I scratch my ear and start over. Not sure what to do at this point. Anyone have any ideas of how to take care of this?

    *(A primary care doctor and an ear doctor both prescribed ear drops that basically just have vinegar in them. I’ve tried making my own drops with a rubbing alcohol and vinegar mix. A dermatologist gave me a cream that’s supposed to be like Cortisone but weaker.)

    1. Enough*

      Has anyone analyzed the discharge? I had an ear infection that took 2 years to completely clear up. When I finally got in to see my regular ENT he asked if there had been any tests. Since none were done and I had been treated (couldn’t take the pain) waiting to see him he had to take a broader approach to treatment.

    2. TheMonkey*

      This sounds very similar to something my mom went though about 20 years ago. She had similar symptoms and tried all the same cycle of things you’re describing with all kinds of lack of results. It wound up being allergy related. (I think one of her doctors finally figured that out–I was away at college so don’t remember all the details) Claritin gave her good relief, in the end, I think.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, this hit me as allergy too. Something is feeding all that junk on a regular basis that is why you keep having more of it. And it could be something in your environment or something you are eating. Ears to do not tolerate allergies well at all. And, boy, do I know this.

        I really feel for you, ears that are not functioning well can be real misery. I hope you find something soon.

    3. Generic Name*

      Is it discharge coming from within the ear canal or the outer part of the ear? If it’s from the outside of the ear, you might have dried shampoo left in the folds of your ear that’s causing the irritation. It’s happened to me a couple of times and it’s really annoying. I try keeping the irritated area moisturized with Vaseline (or even lanolin or bag balm) until it heals.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Maybe try wearing a stocking hat or and earband to bed to prevent you from scratching your ears? (I’ve worn a hat to bed when my ears seemed unusually cold.)

      I’ve allergy related ear problems and found that hydrocortisone ointment (in a Vaseline-like petroleum jelly base) works much better than creams. The creams seemed to dry out and leave a skin in and on my years. The ointment seems to liquify and mostly it runs into my ear canal. Sometimes it runs out and off my ear and onto my pillow, but it has always washed out in the laundry. My doctor originally gave me a prescription-strength hydrocortisone cream, and then an ointment which worked much better than the creams. Over-the-counter hydrocortisone ointments, such as “Cortaid” or “Cortisone- 10” or store brands, have a lower amount of cortisone in them and seem to work almost as well for me.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      It’s likely you’re scratching/damaging the skin in your ear causing it to weep lymph fluid. You need to stop scratching and stop putting things in your ear.
      Call your doctor if it’s been awhile since you’re addressed this with them. You need to make sure nothing else is wrong with your ear. If your doctor’s okay with it, consider taping something over your ear AND wearing not-easily-removed gloves at night to stop this habit. You can get a constant itch in the ear with repeated injury. You’re not the only one with this problem; my dad could not leave his ears alone. It’s possible there’s a stress component to this.
      I hope you find a good solution soon.

    6. Kate*

      Be extremely wary of repeated use of cortisone creams! They can cause many skin problems when used repeatedly over time.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      I would try an anti-fungal cream, sometimes when there is moisture, we develop a fungal infection (usually yeast) and then it not only itches, but also weeps more moisture. I’ve had similar issues and kept using cortisone but that actually makes it worse.

    8. Deanna Troi*

      This used to happen to me! For over 20 years, I scratched inside my ears in my sleep, they oozed a clear liquid all the time, and sometimes they bled or got pussy. The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. Those drops and creams did nothing for me either. My husband was constantly nagging me to “stop digging inside your ears” – I didn’t even realize I was doing it and it grossed him out. And rightfully so (once someone I worked with stuck his car key really far inside his ear and pulled out a huge chunk of way. So gross).

      Then about 10 years ago I was seeing an allergist for a seemingly unrelated issue and she suggested that I take Zyrtec every day. About a month later, I realized my I wasn’t scratching my ears all the time! This was a surprise bonus! It still happens occasionally, but is always short-lived and is not nearly as bad as it was. So, I agree with the others that it might be allergy related. The trick for me is taking the allergy medication EVERY day. If you think you don’t need it anymore because it is cleared up, it might come back with a vengeance.

    9. Ears*

      Thank you for all the replies! The next time I go grocery shopping, I’m going to get a bottle of allergy medication. (It never occurred to me that it might be an allergy thing, so I’m glad I posted here!) If that doesn’t improve the situation at all after a month, I’ll go to my doctor again and ask if there’s a way to test if it’s an infection or a fungal issue.

  22. Scout Finch*

    I have gone down the rabbit hole of cover bands on You Tube.

    Lexington Lab Band is a bunch of local musicians from the Lexington, KY area that can cover just about anything, Personnel are mixed as needed for the right sound. Their version of Steely Dan’s “My Old School” is killer. Their Foo Fighter & Black Crows covers are awesome. They NAIL the organ intro to “Foreplay/Long Time” by Boston.

    So LLB recently did a cover of “25 Or 6 To 4” and another cover of it popped up in the feed on the right in You Tube. Watched Leonid & Friends’ version (and everything else basically – killer “Feeling Stronger Every Day”). WOW. They are basically the Russian version of Chicago – all renowned musicians who do this as a side project . I think they record parts separately (spread all over Russia) & then edit them into videos. They did a US tour in 2019. I want their 2020 tour shirt that has all the dates crossed off. Pretty much sums it up.

    What cover bands (online presence, obviously) do you recommend? Doesn’t need to be rock or pop – I love all music.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Vitamin String Quartet is a lot of fun – they do string quartet covers of like everything mainstream. (I once found my grandmother really getting into their cover of NIN’s “Closer” :-P )

      Similarly, Apocalyptica has some really nice instrumental covers (I think they have most of an album of Metallica covers and their “Nothing Else Matters” is gorgeous), but my favorite piece of theirs is their cover of David Bowie’s “Heroes”, featuring vocals by Till Lindemann of Rammstein. That album had quite a few other covers as well as I recall.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        I remember Vitamin String Quartet from a while ago, thanks for reminding me!

        I love Nouvelle Vague – dreamy covers of ’80s songs.

      2. Voluptuousfire*

        Yaaaas…was going to recommend Apo’s first album of Metallica covers. :) Ironically I prefer their covers of Metallica to Metallica itself. I am so prefer Metallica’s covers compared to their music.

        I also highly agree about the Nothing Else Matters and Heroes cover with Till from Rammstein.

        I’d also recommend Children of Bodom’a covers. They’re a Finnish melodeath metal band that covered Britney Spears and Dropkick Murphys. I think they may have done an album of covers. Not 100% sure though.

    2. CTT*

      There is a cover band out of DC called “White Ford Bronco” that does all 90s songs (as the name would suggest). I saw them live once, and it was such a delight. They don’t put any special twists on the songs, but they cover such a wide range that each one was a surprise. If you’re feeling nostalgic, they would be fun to listen to.

    3. Grace*

      Postmodern Jukebox – modern songs covered in vintage or retro styles. They have a rotating cast of a bunch of different artists, so if there’s one whose style you particularly like you can go through their back catalogue.

      1. I take tea*

        It sounds like you’d like Max Raabe, he sings modern pop songs in and 20’s-30’s style. Check out f.ex. Oops, I did it again, Bongo bongo, Super Trouper or Tainted Love. He sings a lot in German too, if you understand German I recommend him even more. Kleine Lügen is genius.

    4. slashgirl*

      Post Modern Jukebox (PMJ)–they cover modern hit songs usually in jazz/swing/ragtime. They’re more of a collective–many different performers, etc. They’re on youtube and have done some amazing covers!

    5. NeonDreams*

      I second VSQ and PMJ! I have a lot of covers from both bands. PMJ’s version of Lizzo’s Good As Hell is my current alarm.

      I have a lot from an act called Brooklyn Duo. It’s a husband and wife. Wife plays piano and husband plays cello. They are fantastic. There’s also one called GnuS Cello- they cover songs on cello. Their version of Chasing Cars made like the song again. I find the original one boring.

      I love finding instrumental covers of popular songs because they bring on a new life to the song.

    6. Bumpjumper*

      The New Standards!! Piano, upright bass, and vibraphone, and they play it all—Sam Cooke, OutKast, David Bowie, Yeah Yeah Yeahs—they are all over the place. They have several albums and put on a crazy live holiday show in Minneapolis every year, with tap dancing Christmas trees and Hot Santa and fake snow falling from the ceiling—-HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

    8. fposte*

      Oh, I will love this thread. I adore unexpected covers.

      Also on YouTube—The Hu (Mongolian folk-rock band using traditional instruments), kossan1108 (Japanese monk), Hildegarde von Blingin’, Bardcore (both medieval-style). And The Bobs are classic and there’s plenty of their stuff on YouTube.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        The Hu isn’t a cover band but they are spectacular and I’m so happy to see them mentioned. “Song of Women” feat. Lzzy Hale from Halestorm basically became my religion for a solid month not too long ago.

        But also +1 to Hildegard von Blingin’!

    9. Mephyle*

      Seconding The Hu and Postmodern Jukebox.
      Tragedy – they started out as an “All Metal Tribute to The BeeGees” and have now branched out to add “and beyond.” Their version of “Stayin’ Alive” will make you believe that this was born to be a metal song, only nobody knew it until Tragedy.
      Leningrad Cowboys – not really around any longer, but their archive material is still on YouTube. They are another example of a band, like The Commitments and Spinal Tap, that started out fictional and sort of became real. For their master work, watch the original version of “You’re My Heart, You’re My Soul” by Modern Talking (Official music video) and then the Leningrad Cowboys version. Their collaborations with the Alexandrov Red Army Ensemble were also brilliant; “Sweet Home Alabama,” “Gimme All Your Lovin’,” “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door,” and more.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        Tipe Johnson of the Leningrad Cowboys was the singer for Apocalyptica around 2009-2011 or so. Got to see Apocalyptica at the Helsinki Metal Meeting back in 2010 and saw him sing live with them. Fantastic voice!

      2. Voluptuousfire*

        Try the Northern Kings. They’re a quartet of Finnish metal singers who put out an album or two of covers of 80s and 90s pop songs.

        Yes, I was very invested in Finnish metal for about 10 years. LOL

    11. L*

      Hildegard von Blingin’, “bardcore”, modern songs with adapted lyrics to fit into a medieval setting, surprisingly catchy.
      Tommee Profitt, “epic” covers.
      Kurt Hugo Schneider, lots of different guest artists, big back catalogue.
      Tyler Ward, started with covers, now more original songs.

      I also find it enjoyable to just find covers of “Wicked Game”, there are a lot of good ones. Personal favorites are Ursine Vulpine feat. Annaca; Gemma Hayes, and Chase Eagleson (he also has made other great cover songs.)

      1. L*

        Ooh, and “The Baseballs”! A German rock and roll band that became popular with 1950s and 1960s style rock cover versions of modern hits such as “Umbrella” by Rihanna, “Crazy in Love” by Beyoncé, “Hot n Cold” by Katy Perry and “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen.
        Very happy and upbeat, check out their music videos also done in a 50/60es style :)

    12. Hobbette*

      Foxes and Fossils is a wonderful cover band – mostly pop/country with amazing vocals and harmonies!

    13. Mephyle*

      I had such a great time making a playlist of multiple covers of “To Love Somebody”. It starts with the BeeGees original version, builds up to a climax with the version by Eric Burdon and the Animals, and ends (sniff) with a version by Barry Gibb when he was the last remaining brother.

    14. Chaordic One*

      I think Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox is great.

      Although not really bands, I really like cover artists Puddles Pity Party, Mike Masse, and Harriet (see Harrietsmusic) whose voice is at times eerily reminiscent of Karen Carpenter’s.

      I’ve also fallen into the adjacent rabbit hole of a cappella cover groups and really like Pentatonix, the Groove Society (Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is?), and Forte, among others.

    15. Mephyle*

      I like cross-metal covers particularly: metal songs done in non-metal versions, and non-metal songs done in metal versions.
      Currently listening to: “Thunderstruck” done by Steve’n’Seagulls in a sort of bluegrass slash Nordic viking/folk/punk genre.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I like stuff like this too. I LOVED the Sex Pistols’ version of “Silent Night.” OTOH, I’d like to see someone do the Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody to Love,” as a lullaby.

      2. allathian*

        Seconding Steve ‘n’ Seagulls. I often listen to them when I feel a bit blue and end up with a grin on my face.

        FORK. They’ve disbanded, but they use their voices and a mixer/synthesizer to create instrumental sounds as well as singing. It’s amazing how someone going wah-wah-wah into a mic can end up sounding like an electric guitar. They did amazing shows and I’ve seen them live 3 times. They did cover versions of everything from AC/DC to Michael Jackson.

    16. Dr.KMnO4*

      Metalachi! They’re a mariachi band that does covers of classic hard rock/heavy metal songs. One of my favorites is their cover of Bohemian Rhapsody. The music video for that one is just amazing.

    17. AnonoDoc*

      Well, for “all music” may I recommend (not a cover band but an album or live concert) Richard Thompson’s ‘One Thousand Years of Popular Music’?

      And Face Cover band (I think I have the name right)

    19. Mrs. Picklesby*

      I absolutely love Leo Moracchioli’s metal covers. He does everything from Adele to Toto to Pantera and unbelievably Wheels on the Bus and Baby Shark. His videos alternate between fun, tongue-in-cheek (Thriller, Feel Good, Inc.) and serious (Take Me to Church) and sometimes feature guest YouTube musicians (Hello, Africa) or his daughter (Let it Go).

  23. Marillenbaum*

    Dear Mrs. Bird is so good! I adore this book so much. It feels like it would be a great Netflix original movie, like “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society”.

      1. Blue Eagle*

        Not to mention that the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society would also be a great read if co-workers haven’t seen the movie yet (which I haven’t).

    3. Bluebell*

      I love Dear Mrs. Bird. Last year my 16 year old niece had to read a book with an adult, so we read it together. She liked it a lot.

  24. HannahS*

    HannahS is pregnant: a semi-regular thread.
    So, I’m still very early–six weeks–but my body is already noticeably changing. My breasts are getting bigger, which I don’t mind at all, but I’ve been bloated–painfully bloated–to the point that my clothes are uncomfortably tight. How did you dress in early pregnancy? When did you need to switch to maternity clothes? Any tricks to stop the bloating?

    1. Jessie*

      The bloat comes and goes. I started wearing regular non pregnancy baggy pants and dresses after 14 weeks. And maternity jeans after 18 to 20 weeks. Congratulations and good luck!

    2. Occasional Baker*

      The first advice I have is to make sure you’re drinking water, and the second is to increase your skin moisturizer game. Stretch marks don’t just happen later in pregnancy, so if you can set the new habit now, it’s the best. Because it’s like, 60 days for something to become regular, right? I liked the Palmer’s Stretch Mark lotion.
      There can be weird ebb and flow. You feel like this now, but in 3 weeks you may fit back into your clothes in some ways. I didn’t switch to maternity until about 19 weeks, but I was VERY sick w “morning sickness” for months first.
      When I started changing sizes, first I invested a little $ in jeans that were non maternity but bigger size. I then wore those AFTER baby girl came, until I got back into Pre-P clothes. Or you have some options if you don’t get back to the same size clothes. If you wear dresses, an unstructured swing type dress will go a LONG way into pregnancy, and again, postpartum. Old Navy has some I wear just regularly, and you can get them for about $15. If you are OK with dresses, really lean into that, because they will be comfy and forgiving and in the summer, less hot.
      Anything stretchy of course is your friend. Borrow from the dad, and embrace a “men’s look” if that suits you.
      Be aware that a LOT of maternity clothes are not returnable, or the return policies are stringent. Read carefully before buying.

    3. ten four*

      Bloat sounds so uncomfortable! No tricks to help with that, I’m afraid – you might talk to your OB? I wouldn’t worry about when it’s normal to switch to maternity clothes – just focus on what feels comfortable to wear that day. I second the recommendation to pick up loose tunic tops, leggings and dresses. You can get pretty far on those while pregnant, and then again postpartum.

      I hope you don’t have nausea/morning sickness, but if you do I definitely recommend taking the anti-nausea meds. I didn’t for my first pregnancy and I really wish I had – I had a tough time with all the changes in general and with the benefit of hindsight I can say that taking any and all help to make things easier is a good move. I did take them for my second and it made a huge difference to my happiness level!

    4. Disco Janet*

      Everyone is different with when they need maternity clothes – whenever your clothes don’t fit, so it sounds like you’re there. And yep, bloating is quite normal. No special tricks for it.

    5. Zooey*

      I found the bloat came a bit later but it’s definitely a thing and at around 18 weeks I had agonising wind (I now understand why babies cry!).

      As others have said, wear maternity clothes when you feel like it. I’m 30 weeks and still wearing some non maternity stuff (I have a lot of stretchy jersey dresses which are old enough Indint mind stretching them out). However I regret not buying some stuff earlier because I am now getting to where I can only wear maternity tops, for example, and it’s a lot of money to lay out in the last trimester if you didn’t bother before. Building up the odd piece bit by bit is more economical.

    6. Fran*

      I agree that everyone is different. I wore my regular pants till 20 weeks and then needed to get into maternity. Dresses fit a lot longer. About till 7th month. I didn’t buy a lot. 2 pairs of trousers, 2 pairs of leggings, a maternity dress, panties and of course maternity- nursing bras. But I gave birth last May so I was mostly pregnant before covid. Maybe you can get away with less.

    7. Squidhead*

      My friend who is very short–so already has trouble buying slacks–got some “Belly bands” which are pretty much a tube of stretchy fabric that you wear around your midsection to bridge the gap between your shirt, your growing belly, and the waistband of your slacks. Not an option for all styles of dress but it helped her not to have to buy too many “casual” slacks (jeans or whatever) and just focus on her work wardrobe as needed. (Pre-pandemic; she’s WFH now.)

    8. Generic Name*

      If you are bound and determined to not wear maternity pants/skirts this early, you can buy Bella bands that allow you to wear your jeans unbuttoned. I was pregnant 14 years ago, so it’s a little hard to remember the exact timeline, but in early pregnancy I wore skirts with wide waistbands in the next size up. Those weird cropped flows pants with wide waistbands were in style then, so I wore those.

      The bloating, well, there may not be anything you can do, especially if it’s your midsection and not overall swelling. Maybe reduce your salt intake? It’s something you can absolutely ask your doctor about. I’ve noticed that some women just seem to swell (and not just the belly) when pregnant. I have a friend who’s been pregnant 3 times, and each time, her nose got noticeably wider. It went back to normal size after she had her babies.

    9. Clisby*

      Luckily, I didn’t experience bloating.

      I never bought maternity clothes with either pregnancy (casual dress code at work with #1; working from home with #2.) I bought things like track-suit pants and larger tops (including snitching some of my husband’s shirts), and that got me through.

    10. Blackcat*

      The bloat for me died down around 8 weeks, I think. I think it’s from hormones so there’s not much you can do.

      I bought some loose/stretchy dresses that I wore through most of pregnancy and then post-partum. I used very few actual maternity clothes, and I only needed them late (like 30+ weeks). Dresses + leggings (again, not maternity, just regular) was all I needed. I also got “belly band” stretch things so I could wear my regular pants unbuttoned with a button extender and the band. I’ll drop a link in the reply.

    11. Pocket Mouse*

      I don’t have much advice, but here’s a hack for some pants: loop a hair tie through the buttonhole, then through the other end of the hair tie, then around the button. It gives some leeway while still appearing more or less buttoned.

      1. Felis alwayshungryis*

        That got me to about 20 weeks! Worked well, because that was the end of our summer so I didn’t need maternity shorts for what would have been a matter of weeks.

        Early on, I also found that my size fluctuated during the day. In the evenings I’d have a noticeable bump (I guess after dinner) and then in the morning I’d be like, ‘where’d the baby go?’ You’ll probably find that the maternity pants with the big elastic bit at the top will be too big for you (I couldn’t really fill them out until around 24ish weeks), but there are ones you can get with stretchy side panels and adjustable waistbands with buttons, which you might find better.

    12. Call me St. Vincent*

      I had tons of bloating from about 6 weeks onward with both kids. I bought pants in a couple sizes bigger than my usual and wore those until I fit into maternity clothes. Bonus, you will need them again once the baby is born and you are still getting back to your regular size!

    13. Susie*

      Agree with the above commenters, the transition happens at different times for everyone. As a person who has disproportionately large hips, I don’t think I needed maternity clothes till trimester 3 with my first. For my second I used a belly band and wore mostly jersey dresses and leggings, so I don’t know if I every wore maternity clothes, except for the dress that met the criteria below…
      If you do get new tops and dresses, there are some that also are accessible for nursing. If you plan on breastfeeding, look into these features and the clothes will be useful longer.
      Also look into buy nothing groups on Facebook, if you use it. You can find maternity clothes there and see what you like. There are different types of waist bands for pants—some worked for me, some didn’t.

    14. Jules the First*

      I bought a couple pairs of inexpensive maternity leggings and wore those under my a-line dresses for much of my first trimester. I had a noticeable bump from about 9 weeks (at which point my jeans were no longer wearable), so was mostly wearing running tights or an old pair of low-rise yoga pants when I wasn’t in leggings and dresses. I’m now 20 weeks (ish) and none of my pre-maternity stuff fits any more. Facebook marketplace is a good place to pick up some inexpensive pieces, but 90% of my maternity wardrobe has come from a couple of friends who are about the same size and had babies a year or so ago, so highly recommend checking discreetly with friends as well. Note that if you bump early, you may need two sizes of maternity stuff – your usual size and one size up for your last trimester.

    15. allathian*

      I can’t remember getting bloated in early pregnancy, but the ache in my breasts was pretty much the first symptom I had, along with the kind of fatigue that had me falling asleep on the couch with no warning. That said, my breasts ache every month before my period, that’s my most noticeable PMS symptom.

      I lost about 10 kilos (>20 lbs) and two pant sizes just before getting pregnant and I hadn’t thrown out my old jeans and pants, so I went back to the bigger size around week 10 and only bought two pairs of maternity pants around week 28 or so. I did buy nursing bras early on and even had to go up a size later, because I found that I couldn’t deal with the underwire when my breasts were so sore.

      I usually wear fairly lose tunics at work in any case, so I didn’t need to switch to bigger tops until fairly late in my pregnancy.

  25. Polar Bear Plunge*

    I’m participating in a Polar Bear Plunge (virtually, done in a neighborhood beach without a crowd), and am trying to think of some fun milestones to encourage donations. I already have an idea for a silly costume but what other fun things could I do with my Plunge? Anyone else do a Plunge before?

    1. WellRed*

      NOt sure if this is what you mean, but I have a friend who regularly participated in a run challenge thing and they hosted a few fundraiser type things, like donate $5 and come to a pizza party. Obviously you can’t do that but maybe you can do something similar and winter themed? Virtual hot chocolate?

    2. MissCoco*

      I’ve never done a charity one, but my family keeps a polar bear list for earliest and latest in the year to have been in our grandparents lake. Current record is late February, but we thought long and hard about doing it when the outdoor temps were in the mid 50s for Christmas a few years ago.

      Could you set up challenge levels for the donations? Like at $X you will perform a silly dance before the plunge, at $Y you will perform it in the water, at $Z you will sing while dancing?
      Maybe whoever donates the most (or over a certain amount) can decide on or have input into your costume (within reasonable boundaries of course)?

      I do think there is an aspect of donating to polar plunges where you are encouraging someone you know to do something silly and a bit unpleasant, so maybe maximizing that angle could encourage donations?

  26. Occasional Baker*

    The first advice I have is to make sure you’re drinking water, and the second is to increase your skin moisturizer game. Stretch marks don’t just happen later in pregnancy, so if you can set the new habit now, it’s the best. Because it’s like, 60 days for something to become regular, right? I liked the Palmer’s Stretch Mark lotion.
    There can be weird ebb and flow. You feel like this now, but in 3 weeks you may fit back into your clothes in some ways. I didn’t switch to maternity until about 19 weeks, but I was VERY sick w “morning sickness” for months first.
    When I started changing sizes, first I invested a little $ in jeans that were non maternity but bigger size. I then wore those AFTER baby girl came, until I got back into Pre-P clothes. Or you have some options if you don’t get back to the same size clothes. If you wear dresses, an unstructured swing type dress will go a LONG way into pregnancy, and again, postpartum. Old Navy has some I wear just regularly, and you can get them for about $15. If you are OK with dresses, really lean into that, because they will be comfy and forgiving and in the summer, less hot.
    Anything stretchy of course is your friend. Borrow from the dad, and embrace a “men’s look” if that suits you.
    Be aware that a LOT of maternity clothes are not returnable, or the return policies are stringent. Read carefully before buying.

  27. Laura H.*

    Little joys thread.

    What small thing brought you joy this week?

    I have not had a relapse or a sudden downturn in Covid symptoms, or new ones in 14 days so I think I will be able to go out with mask and other proper precautions sometime this week.

    While I’m nervous about prematurely returning to normal more for others than for me, I think I just want to give myself a bit more time to let this stuff get out of my system as much as possible since I don’t think I explicitly have to take a retest.

    Sadly Mountain Cedar pollen is still present so I do still have to deal with those fun allergy symptoms.

    Please share your joys. :)

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      This is a wonderful thread! My little joys are:
      -seeing the pond in the local park be half-frozen, half-melted on the surface and how beautiful it looked
      -my cat and dog are healthy and happy and excellent company (they like hanging out with me! I’m frequently flanked by little furry ones!)
      -making progress on my 2021 goals/intentions

    2. Christina*

      This was a big joy when I was just expecting little joys this week – quarantine or not, I just had the best birthday of my life.

      I split up with my long-term partner last year and he moved out right before the holidays and I don’t have family within a 10 hour drive, so I was on my own really for the first time in my adult life and it was really hard and lonely. This week was my birthday and I’m not usually super excited about it because the weather is usually crappy, but I at least plan a dinner out with friends – obviously couldn’t do that this year. So I just planned to enjoy the little things – a friend sent me a croissant for breakfast, I bought myself cake for lunch, got nice messages from family and friends, did a really good workout, ordered something fun for dinner.

      THEN. A friend texted me that she was at my door with a birthday treat. What fun! I ran downstairs in my socks because I figured it would just be a quick hello, but when I opened the door, a dozen of my friends were there in the freezing rain with cake (they made me a cake!) and candles and gifts and sang me happy birthday on the sidewalk and I got (safe) hugs and my socks were soaking wet and I almost lost it.

      I’ve never told anyone that I’ve always really wanted a surprise party (it felt so silly asking for a surprise party – then it’s not a surprise! And I never felt like I had enough friends to have one or a friend I could have even told this to). It was the most perfect, un-replicatable birthday ever.

      It also made me want to go back and tell my younger self when I thought I would never even find one good friend, that one day a dozen of them would be standing at my door in the rain singing happy birthday because they love me. It was a really good big joy.

      4. Jean (just Jean)*

        Sitting and smiling here. Your post reminds me that life is cyclical. In the good times one can be happy (or grateful, or contented–for oneself and also for others) and in the hard times (for oneself or others) one can be hopeful.

    3. fposte*

      My lower back continues to improve, to the point where I was able to stand up and cook a proper dinner! I was extremely excited.

      And I’m glad your recovery seems solid, Laura.

    4. Fran*

      The baby was fighting a nap for a very long time. I stay with her in the room till she falls asleep. She was playing in her crib for a long time and I was playing with my phone but turned around on time to see her pushing up to a sitting position for the first time. I took her and we did a little congratulatory dance before placing her back in the crib.

    5. wingmaster*

      The small things that brought me joy this week:
      -completing another week of Whole30 without cheating
      -going on three days without spending $ this week

    6. Ali G*

      We spent a lot of time cleaning stuff out of the house over our holiday vacation. We gave away/sold a lot of stuff, but there was some stuff that no one wanted. We just loaded up the truck and hubs took it all to the dump to trash/recycle. It feels so much lighter in here. We also replaced our counter top microwave with a mini one and regained a tin of counter space! It’s so cute. It looks like the little black and white TV your grandmom had in the kitchen so she could watch her programs while she cooked :)

    7. Girasol*

      Take care of yourself, Laura, and keep getting better! My joy this week is finding that after wishing for years that I could see reruns of the sci fi cult classic Max Headroom (20 Minutes Into the Future) I found a DVD set of all episodes for sale online. There were episodes I never saw and I can’t wait. I’m listening for it to thump onto the doorstep today.

    8. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Oranges:

      A friend of a friend sells high-quality citrus by the box or half-box, as a a charity fundraiser. I’d ordered and paid for navel oranges, but wasn’t thinking about them when the doorbell rang this morning. By the time I got to the front door, there was a cardboard box of oranges on the porch, and the person who dropped them off had left.

      I ate one after putting the rest away, And It Was Good. Better than I would get at the supermarket in normal times, and much better than the ones I got through Instacart.

    10. Jay*

      Two pieces of clothing I didn’t buy because they were too expensive went on sale for 60% off, were still available in my size, and arrived two days ago. One is a bright pink fuzzy sweatshirt and it makes me ridiculously happy.

    11. Hotdog not dog*

      I had to buy myself a new pair of sneakers because my old ones wore out from all the dog walking. I love a fresh, new, clean pair of comfy shoes!

    12. Chaordic One*

      On Tuesday I woke up to a freezing cold apartment. I have a natural gas-powered forced air furnace. It was turned on, but it was blowing cold air and during the night the temperature in the apartment had dropped down to 61 degrees when I woke up. (My downstairs neighbor always jokes that I get all of her heat, but I guess not.) I phoned the after hours maintenance people and got an answering machine and left a message. Then I called work at 8:00am and told them that I wouldn’t be online until I got the situation fixed. The maintenance people called me back shortly after that and showed up about 10 minutes later. They told me that there were was a problem with flame sensor becoming oxidized and no longer working. They were in and out of the apartment, but cleaned the sensor, put in a new furnace air filter, and tightened up the thermostat on the wall and then the furnace was running again. I called back into work and was back online by 10:00am.

      Don’t it always seem to go?… Not having heat made me really appreciate it when it was up and running again. I was just so happy to be warm again.

    13. Dainty Lady*

      We got our house exterior painted. It looks so beautiful and I feel like I’m taking care of the house the way that it deserves. We bought it from its second owners who had lived in it and taken immaculate care of it for nearly 50 years, so I feel a sense of responsibility to them as well as the house. Also the local business that did it was a delight to work with and *for once* my husband was impressed with a job.

    14. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I had a lot of stress and upset this week. But one thing that brought me a little joy was buying a cake and sign and balloons and throwing a half birthday party for baby potato who turned 6 months last week. obviously she’ll never know or remember, so it was 100% just for me…..best part was hubby who joined along in the fun for me. Now to plan the first birthday in July God willing which hopefully will be a return to normal *fingers crossed*

    15. MissCoco*

      I’ve been feeding birds on my balcony.
      Today alll the finches were there. I counted 12 at one point (goldies and house finches)
      Also the nuthatch pair no longer flies away when they spot me creepily staring at them through the window.

    17. WoodswomanWrites*

      First, I’m glad to hear you’re on the upswing from Covid.

      Walking on a dirt fire road in a park, my friend and I rounded a bend and there was a coyote not too far ahead. We moved as far as we could to the side and stood still without talking. After we and the coyote stared at each other for a bit, the coyote continued on its way, right past us about 15 feet away. Later we descended at dusk and watched and listened to a great horned owl waking up from its daytime rest and getting ready to take flight for the evening.

      1. Pippa K*

        I love the sound of owls! There’s one who visits our property occasionally, and although I rarely catch sight of him, his low hoots always delight me.

    18. Puppy!*

      I took my eyes off of the puppy while making lunch. I swear just for second. If she gets away from me she is usually in the upstairs bedroom so I wasn’t too panicked.
      Turn to go up the stairs.
      She is sitting at the top looking down. With her ball in her mouth.
      I sat on the landing and said , “come!”
      She dropped the ball.
      It bounced down the stairs.
      She waited until it stopped next to me.
      Bounded down the stairs.
      Grabbed the ball and went back to the top.
      She did this about six times then trotted into the kitchen, had a slurp of water, and laid down on her mat.
      What a good girl!
      So much joy!

    19. Finny*

      I splurged and got myself a Schlumpie Bunny by Douglas (a plushie that is part plushie–the head is fully stuffed–and part blanky–the body is flat), and I named him Pancake. He rides in my backpack (I need a plushie everywhere–yes, I turn 40 this year, no, I don’t care), and I love him so much I am going to the store after work today to get a second one as backup incase Pancake gets lost or damaged. (Stores are open here, and I am doing the curbside pickup thing.)

    20. Voluptuousfire*

      My cat actually sat on my lap and made biscuits for the first time. After 8 months of adopting her, she just popped on my lap, making biscuits last night. She’s currently sitting on my lap, cleaning her paw as I type this.

  28. bassclefchick*

    Can we discuss subscription boxes? I asked for a subscription to WeeBox (Scottish themed gifts) and my sister got it for me! I should be getting it next week. She said she made a mistake when ordering and only got me 1 box. Oops. So, here are my questions – do you generally like what comes in your box? If you specifically get WeeBox, what carrier do they use (they use Royal Mail in the UK, but I’m in the US)? Is it worth the investment? I’ve signed up for more boxes because I’ve been looking at this for a long time. Any tips or words of wisdom would be appreciated!

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Can’t answer the box contents but be aware they could be postal delays on both sides – royal mail is having performance issues as a lot of staff are off sick and there may be additional network issues due to back up from Christmas and ongoing high levels of online shopping in thr UK due to lockdown conditions. US delivery likely handed off to USPS.

        1. allathian*

          Yes, with minimal air travel the postal services that don’t lease their own planes but rather lease space in the cargo hold on passenger flights aren’t providing airmail services.

    2. Anon100*

      Subscription boxes run the gamut from beauty items to food! Mine have been US-based and I live in the US, so for the most part I haven’t had issues with shipping. I used to subscribe to Birchbox (the most established beauty sample subscription box, but now less popular and I ended up with too many samples after being subscribed for about 6 years), Graze (a snackbox that eventually got too expensive to keep up for what I received), Ellie (a clothes subscription box mostly for activewear and atheleisure), the Sill (houseplants), and Causebox (lifestyle/beauty box sent once a quarter). I’m still subscribed to meal boxes like BlueApron and HelloFresh, although I tend to rotate and skip weeks.

      I would just be patient about shipping for the most part, unless it’s raw meat (meal boxes) or houseplants, it’ll eventually get to you when it gets to you. With all the USPS backup delays, I’m actually pretty surprised I’m getting things that were shipped from Boston to DC within a week. I did have a couple of one-day delays from a meal box and that was annoying, although the food was fine mostly because this was during the cold stretch we had in December. If a meal box had been delayed in July I’d have thrown the meat out, and possibly the veggies depending on condition.

      For transoceanic shipping – I ordered some stationery from Hong Kong early in the pandemic and it took like 3-4 months to make to the East Coast because I think they shipped it by cargo ship since there were basically no transpacific flights at that point. And unless they’re shipping it by FedEx or DHL, I’d assume you’d get Weebox by USPS especially for last mile delivery. USPS is required to ship to all addresses in the US, the private carriers are not so they end up giving USPS a lot of parcels for ares the private carriers don’t deliver to.

  29. Amy Farrah Fowler*

    I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me advice several weeks ago about my diabetes diagnosis. I seem to have gotten out of the anxiety spiral it was causing and my numbers have been fairly good for weeks now. I’m taking my meds and continuing to make adjustments to my diet, but it’s starting to feel more normal. I did tell my mom before Christmas and she took it fairly well. Thank you all for your encouragement. It was so helpful!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I married into a family of diabetics. From many years of discussions with them, I think one surprising thing is that once on the new track feeling better helps a person to stay on track. Falling away from the plan is not worth it because it’s just too hard. It’s a big change but they got back their life. I am glad things are leveling out for you. The initial set up is so. very. daunting. It can feel like life will never be good again. Congrats on how far you have come!

  30. Isabelle*

    Does anyone have recommendations the best website for building a website? But for someone who doesn’t have energy or knowledge to code? I’m between Wix and Squarespace although I’m tempted about WordPress because I *might* want to learn how to code down the line, but I don’t think that’ll happen soon. I basically want a no-fuss way to make a visually appealing website. If you have had experience with one brand, let me know please!

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I had square space and it’s super easy. I switched to shopify (because it was supposed to make selling through instagram easier…but I’ve never had a sale that way ) I think I prefer squarespace but it’s really easy once you decide on a layout. I *think* you can do some coding in both of those – I’ve accidentally opened up a window that looks like code.

    2. Reba*

      I have a wordpress website hosted on my own domain. I use a template, no coding!
      (previously I used an open source code library called Stacey, again hosted on my domain, it was fun learning some CSS but I certainly don’t remember how to do it anymore!)

      Square space is definitely favored by creative folks — or anyone who listens to podcasts, lol. But, Wix is said to be a bit easier to actually use. Both will look great! If you are planning to use the site to sell things, I would think that is where you need to really dig into the details of the offerings.

      1. Nela*

        I’d say Squarespace is favored by creative folks who are afraid of tech :P most creatives I’ve encountered use self-hosted WordPress.

    3. Nela*

      WordPress .com is an affordable option for those who don’t want too much fuss. The new block editor looks more like a page builder offered by the likes of Wix. I’ve taught 8 year olds how to use it.

      WordPress .org with own hosting is advanced, but allows for a lot more flexibility and functionality through unlimited themes and plugins. A WP.com website can be exported to a selfhosted website if you ever change your mind.

    4. Colette*

      I’ve used Wix and WordPress. If you’re going for a free site, I think Wix is more flexible. There are a lot of wordpress plugins, but the last time I checked, you needed a paid account to use them.

    5. Professor Plum*

      What do you want to do on your website? If you know what features you want to use that may steer you to one platform over another. For example, is having a blog, a photo gallery, an interactive forum or selling items more important?

      If you know what’s most important it can help when you read reviews or use a free trial.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I echo this point about determining your goal and checking reviews for different formats online. I have zilch training for creating websites, and I’ve been happy with WordPress for my blog (same as my user name here). My goals are sharing my writing and nature photography easily, and also making it easy for people to add their comments. It works fine for that purpose. When WordPress introduces new features, I’ve been able to figure out how to use them without help. I decided to purchase my own domain. Also, it’s worth it to me pay extra every year to keep my site ad-free for people who check it out.

    6. nep*

      I’ve made a few very basic websites using WordPress. I like that it’s really as easy or difficult as you want it to be, depending on how much you want to do, how much you want to delve into coding, changing things up. I can’t speak to the other brands; given the I started w WP I just stayed there.

    7. mreasy*

      Squarespace is quite easy and non-intimidating. I worked for a very successful business that used it for everything with no problem.

    8. Weegie*

      I found Wix the easiest. Couldn’t get on with Squarespace at all, and found WordPress unwieldy.

    9. Texan In Exile*

      I have used Wix to build about five sites this year. I helped my cousin build a Wix site for her optometry practice – we picked a template together and then she, who has no coding or web background, build the site herself over the weekend. It’s that intuitive and that easy to use.

      I blog on WordPress, which is fine, but when a friend wanted to build the site for her new business on WordPress, we were tearing our hair out. I was so spoiled by how easy Wix is. WordPress is a nightmare. I convinced her to switch to Wix and we were both much happier.

  31. Save The Shoes*

    A pair of sneakers got soaked in salt water and now they stink to high heaven, even after a wash on the delicate cycle. Anything I can do to save these shoes from their horrible smell or should I just toss them?

    2. Dino*

      Hand washing is a million times more efficient for shoes in my experience. I use delicate detergent and really work and rinse a few times using a bucket or clean sink.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood”*

      If it’s ocean/bay water the problem might be organic—plankton & the like—so maybe try an enzyme cleaner.

  32. F.U.N.*

    We had to read this book for one of our clubs, “The Gifts of Imperfection” and one of the chapters that struck me was the one of play and it needing to be part of life. Play being described as something fun and purposeless. Sometimes as something you did as a child uninhibited and enjoyed.

    I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually had “play” and want to do more fun things without pressuring myself to monetize it or get good at it. But what can I consider as play? I do play video games but I’d like to do something different that works a different mind or body muscle. I might try drawing again (but there’s the pressure in my mind to get good at it rather than fun.)

    What are some things you do that you’d consider play? I need some ideas please!

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Instead of drawing, you could color. Any paint by number set or similar. I’ve seen cute wall hangings, wooden plaques, etc.

      Do a puzzle. Bake or cook something new.

      My friend is doing cross stitch where the pattern is impregnated on the cloth so it’s more just fun/busy work of stitching and not the stress of counting.

      I tried an Alexa escape room (audio only) with my partner and it was so fun.

    3. Fellow Traveler*

      Well, I have kids, so…. play is sometimes joyless because it’s how I engage with my children when they are difficult.
      But non kid specific things that I consider play
      – making music (piano) or singing at the top of my lungs along to my favorite play lists
      – kicking a soccer all around my backyard (I do this by myself while on the phone sometimes). Or taking a basketball down to the park and shooting hoops.
      – juggling (i’m learning how to do this and it’s fun! My friend started teaching me with a couple of small oranges)
      – my husband calls gardening “playing in the dirt”.

    4. Colette*

      Escape rooms (ideally with friends – there are virtual rooms that you can do over zoom or similar conferencing software)
      Painting (again, there are classes online.)
      Puzzles in general (not my thing, but some people like them)
      Learn to juggle
      Skip (to a skipping rhyme)
      Sing
      Dance
      Use a sock as a puppet

    5. arrogant worm*

      What about balloon twisting?
      There are plenty of free tutorials online, all you need is a pump (you can get a cheap one at the dollar store) and balloons. Buy good quality balloons. Qualatex is good and easy to find online or at party stores.
      Low cost, fun, and doesn’t take up much room for supplies. My favourite part is that you can give the creations away, or pop & toss, so you aren’t creating more stuff you have to find room to keep.

    6. Reba*

      “but there’s the pressure in my mind to get good at it rather than fun” Relatable!!!

      In my house we play musical instruments and sing (that can have some of the above dynamic but it’s still really rewarding!). I just made a piece of art for the first time in a loooong time and it was great! Maybe trying a new material or medium for the first time would help you get into that exploratory mindset, rather than the “I should already be good at this” space?

      Do you enjoy games? There are also some table top games that engage the imagination more–if you have people to play with. Visitor in Blackwood Grove is one I really enjoy, Dixit is another popular one. There is also a super silly card game called Gloom that involves narrating the events. If you need solo play options, Onirim is an interesting solitaire or 2p co-op card game. You could also look on Board Game Geek for solo games.

      For me, cooking can be play-like in that there is improvisation and experimentation to it.

    8. Nela*

      Doodling is different than drawing – I find it much more playful than attempting to draw something that looks “right”. I’m all about organic shapes, swirls, and cartoon faces, while my partner prefers geometric futuristic stuff. You just need to find your groove. I usually do it on the couch in the evening and it helps me unwind.

      1. allathian*

        Seconding doodling! It doesn’t have to look like anything. I tend to doodle stars and hearts and a weird tree shape I call Yggdrasil.

    9. lapgiraffe*

      I gotta say, this year has been the year I played with dough. I’ve been making pasta for years now, and dabbled in sourdough a bit several years back, but with being at home I’ve had more fun playing with doughs than ever, I swear it’s like play-doh for adults AND you actually get to eat your creations haha. I don’t have a stand mixer so it’s just me, my hands, and the counter top. So yesterday it was me snd a focaccia dough, music on, chanting to myself “I am the dough hook” while I slapped it all around. My current favorite pasta dough requires 20-30 minutes of this and it becomes like a meditation. I get to make a little mess, feel interesting textures between my fingers, engage in a some light science, and eat delicious things.

    10. AGD*

      I read a book about this! Play by Stuart Brown with Christopher Vaughan. Google says Brown has also done some TED talks. I think skill-building can be involved as long as it’s primarily recreational and joyful. I’ve certainly gotten much better at knitting since I started putting time into it – but even when I’m picking up new techniques, it’s a break from my laborious day job and a chance to let some other parts of my brain come up for air.

      Huge variety of options out there depending on what seems fun. I’m making this list up spontaneously, but: paper crafts (origami, scrapbooking), reading, exercise or dance or gymnastics or parkour, carving woodblocks for print-making, LEGO, furniture building, sewing, knitting, crochet, weaving, tatting, cartooning, digital animation, painting, calligraphy, playing music for yourself or in small low-stakes groups, photography or photo editing, code golf, chess, board games, solo tabletop games, writing, sculpture, jewellery making, wood carving, 3D printing, that thing with narrow rolled up paper turned sideways quilling, Etch-a-Sketch, stained glass, game websites (GeoGuessr?), or maybe ‘augmented reality’ games (Pokemon Go, Ingress) or their lower tech scavenger-hunt predecessors (geocaching, letterboxing, etc.). Also, one of the things I love about YouTube is that it’s full of people trying out equipment for specialized stuff (rock tumbling, stained glass, metalworking, mechanical keyboard building, etc.), which means I don’t have to buy expensive things and risk only using them once.

      I’d say it’s okay if it’s unconventional as long as it’s fun (and, you know, not harmful). I sometimes invent games for myself in Excel or Google Maps. I know a person who cleans up pennies by putting them in ketchup, and another who has been happily assembling a list of subway cars they have ridden on by number. In general it fascinates me to watch people find their thing and their community, even if it’s something I’m not into.

    11. Queer Earthling*

      My favorite forms of play are unstructured and imaginative; when I was a kid I’d play-act stories by myself, and now as an adult I either write self-indulgent stories with no plan, or I do typing roleplay stories with my spouse. (That’s how we became friends anyway, doing those over like, Yahoo Messenger or something.) D&D is a similar concept, though you do need a group.

      Other things I do for fun: I collect dolls and I enjoy repainting them or making clothes for them, and I’m not good enough to monetize either of those things, nor do I intend to be. (This can be expensive, though.) I got a big thing of Lego from my spouse and enjoy building houses and towers and not doing a very good job at that, either. I’d argue that reading fluffy stories could count as play, too.

    12. Girasol*

      I have a hand sling (the David-and-Goliath kind but not as big) that I take down to a quiet spot on the river to sling small stones. While I try to improve my distance and aim, it’s more play than practice because it’s clear that I will never be any good at it. I couldn’t hit a barn much less something as tiny as a giant. (Isolation and a sturdy hat are important for someone with skills as poor as mine.) But the riverside is quiet and pleasant and it’s fun to watch the stones go plunk way over on the other side, so I suppose that’s play.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t really think of it as play. I like to make myself step outside my safety zone and try things that are new to me. Some of the things might seem silly or too obvious for other people. I bought a set of cordless (battery operated tools) and am slowing teaching myself how to use them. In an other instance, I love spiralized veggies, I mean they taste SUPER good to me. So I got a spiralizer that I can work with (the first two did not work for me) and I started using it. Someone gave me a Pfaff sewing machine from 1960. I googled and found it’s a pretty good model so I am beginning to fuss with that and see what I can do with it. I think it could be play for me because it’s an opportunity to shut out the outside world and just focus on a little challenge for myself.

    14. 00ff00Claire*

      I think it might depend on your definition of “purposeless”. If you do mean just anything that you aren’t pressuring yourself to be good at / earn money, then any kind of hobby could work. I think if you want a hobby, you will need to figure out if you will only focus on the pressure to get good and therefore ruin the fun for any hobby at all or if there might be one that you really could enjoy and find happiness with getting only as “better” as you would naturally get from participating in the hobby. Puzzles, lego kits, kids craft kits, or coloring books could be good hobbies with some structure, but they don’t feed the drive to get better as much as some other hobbies do.

      As far as ideas for things that could be play but are less likely to bring out the drive to improve, sensory materials can be pretty soothing for adults – think of the sand or water table in a preschool classroom. You don’t have to use those mediums though; there are plenty of alternatives and you have options that aren’t available to preschools because you won’t try to eat them and choke :) Those water beads that were popular a few years back, a bunch of pony beads, anything that is small enough that it will scoop and pour works. A plastic shoebox storage bin or plastic dishpan would work fine for a container.

      In a similar vein, playdoh or hobby / toy modeling clay can also be relaxing and gets your mind and hands working together. Legos, Kinex, or other building toys can be open-ended if you get the generic bucket instead of a kit. Pattern blocks (these are small, geometric 3-d shapes that you can make designs with) can likewise be either open-ended or structured if you want them to.

      Some of my family members are really into board games – those are a good form of higher level play and at least somewhat less likely to have that pressure to get good at them.

      If dancing for fun sounds interesting to you, there are plenty of dance videos on youtube whose target audience is older elementary kids, so there are actual moves but they are a little challenging but still fun.

    15. LQ*

      Painting with the plan that it all goes into a firepit. I like fire too so that helps. Having the goal that it all is ephemeral (into the fire!) helps keep me from trying to get good at it. As does an explicit desire to just try and experiment. Like oh what happens when I do this. huh, cool. And now it’s in the fire.

    16. RagingADHD*

      For me, a big part of the fun of things is satisfaction at overcoming a challenge, so watching myself improve at it adds to the satisfaction.

      It’s comparison or competition that undermines the spirit of play, to me.

      For a simple brain game I really enjoy Sudoku. For complex brain games I like interactive fiction, especially the older text-based ones.

      Our library has a board game collection for checkout- you might see if yours does as well, they are becoming more common.

    17. OtterB*

      Listen to yourself. Listen for the little passing thought “oh, that looks like fun” while you’re browsing online that you would normally disregard because it’s not sensible. You might not want to do that specific thing, but you might identify a related something you do want. Harder to do in these pandemic times, but explore – go somewhere and wander by following what appeals to you.

    18. Jay*

      I’m a singer and a writer, and while I love doing both, they don’t have that “play” quality because I can’t let go of my training and standards. I went looking for a totally different art. I have been taking beadmaking classes at a local glass studio (masked, distanced, in a huge room that’s basically a well-ventilated garage). I love it because it’s totally new to me – I don’t do visual arts and I don’t do anything with my hands these days. It requires enough concentration that I can’t worry about or plan anything else – I’m totally absorbed. I have no goals or aspirations except to make pretty things. Last week the teacher asked if I’d bought any findings to make jewelry and it honestly hadn’t occurred to me to make anything out of the beads. I just like looking at them.

      I also have a mandala coloring book which I enjoy, although I think I’d prefer one with bigger spaces – there are a lot of small fiddly shapes which can feel a bit tedious after a while.

      For me the most important thing is that I can get absorbed in it and I’m ok being really bad at it. Then it feels like play.

    19. em*

      I like “doodling” with embroidery… Not trying to make a completed or coherent design but just like, “hey can I figure out how to stitch a cactus?” or taking 10 different thread colors all in the same length and just adding random designs until each color runs out. You kind of inadvertently get better because of the practice but you’re not trying to make that specific piece look good so it’s not as purposeful :)

  33. Mimmy*

    Just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post about my husband last weekend. It took another couple of days for him to start feeling normal again, but he is doing much better now. He did have intermittent cough (mild) and runny nose this week that we thought was strange.

  34. College football is [I hate the offseason]*

    I’m puzzling through a relocation issue. Pre-pandemic my husband and I both worked and lived in (major city) 5 days a week. We also have a weekend house that we both moved to last March. My job is full-time remote. His was remote/1 day per week in office to now at least 3 days/week in office. He may need to be more soon. He lives at our place in the city when he works. At what point do I move my remote job back to the city? How many days do we live apart. I feel much safer in our weekend location – and have more space for my office, it’s much quieter, beautiful views, etc. I am worried about being apart, I suppose. I think he wants me to relocate back to town. He’s planning to retire in the fall, so one one hand I feel like it’s a short period and maybe I should suck it up until then. We would still be in the country on the weekends, but I’ve enjoyed not having to do the drive and the hauling things back/forth. What would you do? Going on 29 years of marriage. We’ve not lived apart aside from these few months where he is the one going back and forth.

    1. fposte*

      Are there ways to split the difference? Could you go in one or two weeks out of the month, for instance?

      It also sounds like this hasn’t been clearly discussed—if so, it’s probably time to do that.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I could make the argument that one of us has to stay away from the heavy pockets of Covid, we both can’t be sick at the same time.
      Buuuuuut… that is really not that great a talking point.
      I might be tempted to say I would try it thinking that once he sees how much hassle it is to move the both of us back and forth he’d change his mind.
      OTOH, though maybe this could be used as a bargaining chip. “I will stay in the city with you until you retire, if we can do [thing of value to me] afterward.” My husband and I made these type of agreements. Interestingly, we were both enthused not only to get our own Thing but to watch the other one get their Thing, too.

    3. Cats on a Bench*

      Can he do all 3 days in a row? So like M,T,W in the city then TH, F and weekends remote to reduce the back and forth? And then maybe you could agree to go with him every other week so he doesn’t always feel so lonely while he’s away? If he’s retiring in the Fall, maybe he could negotiate with them to let him stay remote 2 days.

    4. armchairexpert*

      How far is the drive? Is the plan for you to both live full time in the country once he retires, or not?

      Assuming it’s only a couple of hours, I think I’d split the difference. Say he works in the office M-F and stays in town. You drive into the city on Wednesdays, spend W-F working in town, both of you drive back out to the country Friday for the weekend. That way you get 4 days a week where you love and he gets to spend 5 days/7 with you.

      If he doesn’t want to move out to the weekend place in the fall, though, you need a broader conversation.

  35. CoffeeforLife*

    Instead of drawing, you could color. Any paint by number set or similar. I’ve seen cute wall hangings, wooden plaques, etc.

    Do a puzzle. Bake or cook something new.

    My friend is doing cross stitch where the pattern is impregnated on the cloth so it’s more just fun/busy work of stitching and not the stress of counting.

    I tried an Alexa escape room (audio only) with my partner and it was so fun.

  36. Soonish to be Mrs*

    Wanted to jump in early in hopes of getting additional feedback. We’re thinking of eloping, either this year or next, and are considering a couple different locations: New Orleans or the Hudson Valley area of NY. Anyone with experience in either, tell me the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m leaning away from New Orleans because of stories of heard from friends who used to live there about the crime, even though they are still “I love the city.” I’m not sure I’d want to deal with that. Any advice on weather, what time of year is best, crime, recommendations of places to stay/eat/visit, etc etc would be super helpful.

    1. mreasy*

      Hudson Valley is beautiful in the spring (though it can rain a bit) – and is just a lovely part of the world. You’re near the Adirondacks and not too far from the Berkshires, so gorgeous landscapes abound, but there are also incredible indoor & outdoor art spaces (Dia:Beacon and Storm King are obvious and essential to visit but Opus 40 in Saugerties is incredible – and there are just so many others). Tons of lovely places to stay as well! I highly recommend it for a very nice and not tremendously expensive getaway.

      2. pancakes*

        +1. A concert & picnic at Tanglewood in the Berkshires is a great thing to do if the timing works out.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Congrats on your plans! I’ve been to both areas – short visit to New Orleans, longer visits to the Hudson Valley (mainly Tarrytown/Sleepy Hollow and farther north, Beacon/Newburgh area, as family lives there). Both are worth visiting – but for me, the Hudson Valley area is more my comfort level nowadays. I would like to do a mini food-tour of New Orleans someday, as I only touched the tip of the culinary iceberg before – beignets to die for! – but there are great food places in NY as well (if you like luxury, try Blue Hill at Stone Barns), and the scenery is stunning.

    3. NeonFireworks*

      I don’t think you can go wrong here.

      The Hudson Valley, especially in the fall (or mid-to-late May – the magnolias!), is magical and intoxicatingly so. If the idea is to find a quiet place or take elopement photos with incredible nature backgrounds, you won’t do much better than this. Also, the wine!

      New Orleans has an incredible vibe and all sorts of things you can’t find anywhere else in the U.S., and I didn’t have any experiences with feeling unsafe (even though the Saints were playing one evening and people were…pretty excited). If you want to be towed around on a bike couch or take elopement photos on gorgeous cast-iron balconies, this is your place. Also, the food!

      2. Person from the Resume*

        You probably don’t want to visit New Orleans during the summer (June – September) unless you’re fine with sweating and possibly dodging hurricanes.

        I live in New Orleans and you just got to be willing to be hot and wear as little clothing as you can get away with in the summer.

    4. EBennett*

      You can’t go wrong with either – but fall in the Hudson Valley is amazing. If its open you could have dinner at the Culinary Arts Institute!
      We eloped and I have to say it was the BEST decision. Just the two of us (and our photographer) – we could really focus on the ceremony. We went to Cape May NJ – we stayed at a great B&B, walked to the beach for photos, and walked to dinner.
      Then we had a big party/reception a few months afterwards so we could gather our friends and family.
      Wishing you and your significant other years of health and happiness.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood”*

      Storm King is on my to-visit list — mountainside sculpture park.
      Bear Mountain State Park has a lodge that does weddings in normal times.
      If you’re going further up into NYS, we were fascinated by the Corning Glass Museum and Studio. Precovid visit. We had signed up ahead of time for an intro glass-working class at the Studios. (Glassblowing requires some arm strength to manipulate a 6ft/2m metal rod with crystal at the end.) And the factory museum has glassblowing demos.
      If you’re getting there via ‘downstate’ New York, the NY Botanical Gardens is beautiful at any time of year.

      1. pancakes*

        If you’re in the area and like sculpture, I recommend the PepsiCo sculpture garden in Purchase NY too. Great collection, the landscaping is nice, and it’s free. Technically it’s named the Donald M. Kendall Sculpture Gardens.

  37. Heffalump*

    A few days ago I saw a parked car with ERL GRY vanity license plate in my neighborhood. Unfortunately I didn’t have a camera on me.

  38. Tiny Home*

    Anyone living in a tiny home? Or once lived in one? I’d love to hear your experiences, tips, hacks, etc.
    My husband and I will soon be moving into one this April with our cat. We’re pretty excited!

    2. MissCoco*

      Not a tiny house, but 350 sq feet apartment.
      Perfection on my own, felt tiny once my partner moved in after I’d been living there 4 years

      I think so much depends on setup, but I found that the #1 important thing for me was buying for the actual space, or building (shelves especially, since they are easy + you can make them fill every available inch)
      Especially with organizational stuff, if it doesn’t fit well or isn’t easy to use, you lose space by having it around

      Depending on ceiling heights, awkwardly high shelves all around a kitchen or living room can be a lifesaver for all those bits and bobs you need (or just want) but don’t need to access every day.

      Also I’m not sure if this is a tiny house thing or an ADHD thing, but I stay organized because I minimize the effort involved in putting things up.
      For me that involves having stuff where I can see it, ideally in a visually pleasing way, and sometimes in multiple places. I own a truly absurd number of scissors, but in every “room” there is a jar or drawer where they go, so they are always put up in the many different places they belong in.

    3. I take tea*

      Not a tiny house, but a small apartment. If you want to give the cat a bit more space (especially if indoor cat), think of high spaces. It doesn’t need to be floor space. We have a lot of bookshelves with empty space on the top, and the cats love it. They can climb up at one end, run to the other and climb down.

    4. Kage*

      Same – not a tiny house, but a small apartment full of 2 adults, a baby, a dog and a cat.

      Maximize your storage solutions. With small spaces, clutter will make them feel smaller. We in particular liked the IKEA Kallax/Expedit system given that you can mix drawers, shelves, doors, etc as you want. Shelves are also huge – particularly look at your height to see where you can add them. We had a long one mounted in the hallway at like 6’-6” (so above our heads, close to the ceiling) that housed things that we didn’t need on a daily/weekly basis but needed to keep/couldn’t get rid of.

      Get used to storing things in “strange” places but that work for you. Our cat’s litter/food was in the bathroom; dog’s was in the bedroom. Keep an eye out for ways to streamline your life because of your limited circumstances (for example, we then switched to a flushable litter/pellet system with pee-pads as we could easily just sift the cat litter straight to the toilet.

      Related to space – As much as possible, put things away as soon as you are done with them. If you only have a 3’ wide counter space in your whole kitchen, it gets really cluttered really fast. You’ll want to become religious about always tidying behind you. This also plays into shopping in general as you also have to worry about do you have space for something new. We went grocery shopping every few days due to small fridge/storage space but then also probably ate better/fresher food in general.

      While there is no way I’d live in a tiny apartment now with our multiple kids, I do miss it…

    5. Salymander*

      I lived in a tiny home for 2 1/2 years. We had no running water (showered at the gym or used a makeshift outdoor shower), and no electricity for the first 3-4 months until we did some work on it.
      We didn’t have a loft, as the ceiling was quite low. Our bed was 4 feet off the floor for extra storage, but a loft would have been better. Especially one with stairs/drawers for storage and ease/safety of access. If you get injured, climbing a ladder into a loft is really not fun, no matter how much more space you have with just a ladder.
      It is good to have all clothing and linens stored in a covered closet or in drawers. Even coat hooks are a problem. I see a lot of tiny homes with open shelves and bins, and coathooks on the wall. It looks cute, but is hard to keep tidy. Also, open shelves, hooks and bins allow cooking smells to permeate all the fabrics in a tiny home. I spent a couple of months figuring out how to keep my clothes from smelling like salsa, curry and fried onions. It smells good when you cook it, but when the smell lingers and turns rancid in the fabric of your winter coat you will be less pleased. I have one sweater that still smells a bit like french fries. Years later. And I have never made french fries ever in my life. Really, any strong smells of any kind will get into everything in a tiny house. Even improperly managed composting toilets (properly done, they are fine). Or cat litter. Open lots of windows.
      Also, be prepared for the cleaning. You spend less time cleaning house all at once, but you end up needing to clean all the time. Seriously. Especially if you have pets or if your tiny house is in a more rural area or has a muddy/dusty surrounding area. I am not a super tidy person, but I felt compelled to sweep and clean things off many, many times each day. We were surrounded by countryside, which was muddy/dusty (but beautiful!!!). It is just a few minutes, but you repeat the cleaning maybe ten times a day. If your tiny house is nice, and in a nice spot, it can be totally worth it. But be prepared. Good luck! :)

  39. nep*

    Fitness / strength. I’d be interested to hear of people’s experiences with recovering a certain level of fitness, especially strength, after a period of time not training as hard for whatever reason.
    I am not as strong as I was a year or so ago, just from having gotten out of the habit of a certain kind of working out on a regular basis. I still exercise regularly, but because of some joint issues here and there initially and just life changes, got out of the routine I was in. I know I have to be patient and regain the strength slowly, in order to avoid injury/setbacks. I have to think of myself back before I had gained that strength in the first place, and how I did it. Somehow the second time around, because I’ve “lost” it, it sometimes seems impossible or at least overwhelming. But I know I can get there. Little by little.

    1. NeonFireworks*

      I injured myself and didn’t get back into running for nearly two years. Had to take it slow at first, which was really frustrating. I switched to a treadmill for a while because outdoors on favorite routes it was too easy to see how difficult a time I was having, if that makes sense, and I was getting discouraged. It took 6-8 months of running several times a week before I was back to managing even 2.5 km at a time.

    2. Jean Pargetter Hardcastle*

      I am in a similar situation and have found both the most difficult and the most useful thing is to make my peace with doing a modified version of the exercise until my strength is back.

      1. nep*

        That is it–exactly. I go into each workout reminding myself I’ll be far better off in the long run (and make my goal of regaining my strength) if I modify as need be, if I do a move with the lighter kettlebell. I have found that the gratification of just getting through a solid workout is still there, even if I am not able to lift or do as much as at my peak.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You probably have this covered, but I cannot say enough for proteins drinks and collagen. I think you might prefer a plant based product for proteins? There are some good ones out there now, more so than ever before.

      And this could be just me, but I found carbs really took away from my muscles and my over all strength. I did much better when I limited myself to one or two servings of carbs per day.

      It’s super important to put rest on the same level as exercise. Rest gives the body time to rebuild what it needs to fix. This is to say that your patient. slow approach will pay off for you.

      It’s interesting to look at Eastern Medicine even if it is just briefly, they seem to have a bunch of information on just what the body works to fix while we rest. I am not into the Eastern modality but I am interested in reading about the various modalities available. I was super impressed by their focus on what rest does. I am a convert- good rest is as important as good exercise.

      1. nep*

        100 percent. Rest paramount in this effort.
        I probably get too many carbs and too little protein–good point there.

    4. fposte*

      Currently doing this. It’s sometimes a struggle, especially as in my head I’m ready to complete a triathlon at the drop of the a hat. (Note: I have never, ever done a triathlon.) I try to keep a very tight focus on the changes in the last couple of weeks. A 50% improvement is big no matter what the starting place was.

    5. LGC*

      That’s…really common, actually. The advice I’ve heard is to almost forget where you were at before.

      Last winter, I was 1) injured and 2) worried about being able to run the Boston Marathon well. (I didn’t do that well last year, running my slowest marathon time.) And then COVID blew up my race plans.

      I don’t think I’ve fully recovered whatever fitness I had back in 2019, let alone 2018. And I feel guilty that I actually did benefit a little bit from COVID – I was able to let myself relax without FOMO, and relaxing was what I needed. But I feel like – at least as a runner, since I’m pessimistic about races happening in a pre-2020 way until at least 2022 and maybe even beyond that – I was able to just switch into an extended base period after…basically working towards peaks for two years straight.

  40. Courageous cat*

    I got a $1624 bill for a (mandatory new patient) urinalysis at my psychiatrist’s office. $1624 for a drug test that I couldn’t opt out of if I wanted to see the doctor. And from last September, no less, so I can’t even use my FSA to pay for it.

    I have full insurance through my employer (aka it’s not just catastrophic or something). This is insane, right? Like, I pay for insurance… so that I don’t have bills like this. What am I supposed to do, say “oh hold on nurse, I know you want to prick my finger to check my iron but sit tight while I call my insurance to verify it won’t be half a million dollars first”?

    I have never appealed? debated? a bill with insurance before, but I’d like to. Can anyone give me some advice on if that’s possible, or what you would do from here?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Did the insurance company tell you why they weren’t covering it? Or is that the amount left for you after they processed it?

      1. Courageous cat*

        Yep, it was originally $2030 and they covered enough to bring it down to this amount. Which still sounds egregious to me!

    2. Girasol*

      Did you ask the psychiatrist about it? Sometimes a clerical error will blow up the cost of a minor test into a major bill. If the psychiatrist didn’t warn you ahead of time then they probably didn’t expect this would happen. They might offer help to solve the problem.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Very good call. I see him soon so I will do that. I was wondering if it could be like, something that was mis-coded.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Yeah, good call – the only reason I would have done it at the appt is because he’s the owner of the whole practice, so he may have more of an incentive to want to fix it on my behalf. We will see!

    3. fposte*

      Also follow the lead of Dawn above—check to see if there’s any kind of healthcare advocate in your state.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Wow! Sounds like a mistake!
      Start with the doc’s office. If the bill is real, look into a government healthcare advocate office and a “surprise bill” statute, per a posting earlier today in AMA.
      I sure hope it’s a clerical error.

    5. Dog and cat fosterer*

      A blood test for animals, with all sorts of tests, is maybe $300 here. This includes the blood draw and lab stuff. The amount you mention seems incredibly high in comparison. I would definitely ask about it.

    6. Anon IC*

      This happened to me, it’s some sort of racket with the processing lab to make money. They bill really high, insurance only pays a small (reasonable) portion and the lab hopes you’ll just pay up the balance and wont dispute the bill with your doctor. When I received my bill I immediately called my doc’s billing office (after nearly having a heart attack) and the billing office said don’t worry about it, they’ll take care of it, and they did.

      1. Dan*

        Ok… I’d be really, really, curious to know how “they took care of it” because billing practices like that are bordering on fraud.

        It’s one thing if the doc was using something that was out of network, because then you can legitimately get stuck with the balance, but a “bill you and if you complain then we’ll ‘take of it'” seems super shady unless it was an error.

        1. Anon IC*

          Oh, it was totally shady. Apparently, the lab in question is/was the only one serving our area and they’re the ones doing the shady billing. This was a few years ago, so not sure if they’re still around or if there are more labs available now.

          When I talked to my doc’s billing office they said it was a real ongoing problem and I wasn’t the only patient they had to contact the lab about to have it fixed. Apparently, if I had tried to call the lab, they might have offered me a payment plan or taken a bit off the total bill. Granted, this was all told to me by dr office staff, so I don’t know how much of it is actually true, but the bill did ‘magically’ go away and I requested and received a statement from the lab showing a zero balance.

    7. SG*

      I agree to start with your doctor or doctor’s office directly. If that doesn’t resolve it (or simultaenously to trying to handle it that way), find out if your insurance company or HMO has a customer advocate or customer care department who can help walk you through the appeal process. It can take a while, so I recommend looking into it soon to get the ball rolling.

  41. Courageous cat*

    On another note: let’s talk about birth control!

    What’s your favorite? Which had good side effects? I know there’s more than enough negatives to go around (and everyone is different), so I’m looking more for success stories.

    I am undergoing uterine polyp removal under twilight sedation next month, and I am considering asking if they will put in an IUD afterward while I’m semi-under, because I have a very low threshold for sharp pain and IUD insertion appears to be like, 70/30 worst-pain-of-my-life vs not so bad. I don’t love those chances, so I’m curious.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve been on Depo-Provera for literally 20 years now. This is counter to the official recommendation, which (at least used to be) 2 years at a whack, but I have zero negative side effects and when my doc goes “when was your last period?” my answer is “uh, 2014?” Which is why I don’t just get permanently sterilized. I plan to stay on it until menopause.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Ugh, I would absolutely try Depo because the lower-maintenance the better, but being on something that I can’t get off for 3 months in case it has bad side effects just kinda freaks me out.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          In my experience, people either love Depo or hate it, I’ve pretty much never heard anyone who was indifferent. And yeah, it’s a debate up front – in my case, I had been on some sort of pills previously and I hadn’t had any side effects, but I was just total rubbish at remembering to take them consistently, so the doc offered the Depo or an IUD as an option. I wasn’t interested in the IUD; I had enough problems dealing with a regular gym exam that didn’t involve extras, so stabby stabby it was, and it’s been lovely.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Granted, this was many years ago so they may have worked some stuff out, but Depo gave me jaundice and a chronic itchy rash.

        I didn’t have a primary doctor at the time, so it took me a while to figure out that I was probably at risk for liver damage.

    2. Susie*

      I have the Paragard IUD and would get it again. I didn’t love being on hormonal birth control and this can stay in for 10 years, twice that of mirena. I will occasionally (like a couple times a year) have very heavy menstration, otherwise it isn’t an issue for me.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      I’ve used an IUD for a decade now (2, not 1 continuous) and the insertion and removal pain sucks but totally worth not having to do any maintenance, or really think about it until it’s time to get a new one. Highly recommend if you don’t want to be bothered with daily/ monthly/ quarterly BC.

    4. Generic Name*

      When not actively trying to conceive, I’ve been on the pill for the last 20 or so years. It’s been a great experience for me. 10:10 The brands and doses have changed over the years. The last pill I was on was “Lo estrin” a pill with progesterone and the lowest dose of estrogen available. Worked really well. I had zero side effects. Sex drive was great. No acne, moodiness, or sore breasts that I normally get before my period when I’m not on the pill. My periods were much lighter with less cramping. I know the pill doesn’t work for some women, but for me it’s been great.

      1. Generic Name*

        Oh, and taking a pill daily wasn’t ever a problem for me. I’m very habit driven, and taking it first thing in the morning was never an issue. Even when I was sleeping over at my boyfriend’s place. I was able to remember to bring it along with my toothbrush. :)

        1. Dino*

          This has also been my experience. Mine is Microgestin and I’ve been on it since I was 15 and I’m going to keep on until I don’t need it anymore. No sex drive side effects, helps with acne, shorter lighter periods (and since I have endometriosis that’s saying something), and its maybe once a year that I forget to take it at the right time.

    5. Sleepyhead*

      I just finished a book called “your brain on birth control” by Sarah e. Hill. Highly recommend! Very balanced, super fascinating. I was on progesterin only mini pill for 10-12 years. Had no major issues with it, can’t do estrogen as I get migraines. However, I’m off it for the first time and … things smell different! Explained in the book mentioned above. I will likely go back on the same kind in the future, but just don’t need it at present.

      1. lapgiraffe*

        I’ve always felt very mentally good on BCP compared to off of it, I’ll have to check out this book.

        I’ve been on Nortrel for a while and it’s fine, I stay on it continuously for four packs (pcos, fibroids, generally terrible periods if not on BCP). I do find that I am a bit bloatier on this one than I have been on others but it’s not so bad and definitely the positive outweigh that small negative. I’ve never had an issue with daily pills (and btw this is the only way I know what day it is consistently in this weird covid home world!) and I feel so much more even keel, my skin is great, no issue with sex drive, so basically it’s a don’t fix what ain’t broke situation for me

        I miss Yaz, that was my best experience in nearly 20 years of pill usage.

      2. KoiFeeder*

        Oh, things do smell different on progestin. I was wondering if that was A Thing or just me having weird reactions.

        1. RagingADHD*

          Makes sense – pregnancy changes your sense of smell, and progesterone is the dominant hormone then.

        2. Sleepyhead*

          How is it different for you with smell? For me taking progesterin seemed to dull my sense of smell. For example there are foods that I loved for the 10+ years on bcp and now that I’m off of bcp I’m absolutely repulsed by the smell. (Also there is absolutely no way I’m pregnant, so that’s not at play). I’m so disgusted by the smell I thought the food had gone off and I made a pal smell some things to tell me if the food had gone bad. She was like “nope, normal”

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Things smell kinda vegetable? It’s like a very strong cucumber scent, or cut grass that’s been out in the sun a few days, but all the time. It’s thankfully not unpleasant, just very odd.

    6. Cora*

      I LOVE the Mirena. I’ve had it for over 4 years and I don’t have anything bad to say about it. The insertion was a bit painful but it was over quickly.

    7. Bobina*

      I have a Mirena and generally am super happy with it. No periods for the last few years (wooo!) and no real side effects that I can tell other than I’m maaaaaybe a touch more emotional than I was before I was on it? Or at least it felt that way at the beginning but now I’ve adjusted so no issues.

      The only issues I’ve had have been with it moving out of place which I think is actually more due to the fact that I have fibroids which can literally push lots of things around inside. So that means I’ve had the joy of having to have it inserted a couple of times because the doctors werent happy with where it was. Its definitely painful, but how much depends on who does it: I could definitely tell the difference between the sexual health clinic (way smoother and less painful) and my regular GP(does a lot less). If you want it and are already having surgery – I would go ahead and ask for them to do it at once.

    8. Blackcat*

      It may be that IUD placement is less painful post-polyp removal even if you don’t do it right away. Apparently once the cervix has been dilated once, even a bit, it’s easier to do in the future.

      My first IUD hurt like a mofo (23 yo, no kids). But it was really brief. I barely felt the insertion of IUD #2 (30s, 1 kid).

      But if you’ll be out of it and they’re up in your business anyways, it makes sense to do it then. I had copper IUDs. IUD #1 was great. IUD #2 caused a ton of cramping and then fell out (!!).

    9. KoiFeeder*

      On the statistically unlikely end of the scale, I was on the Mirena and ended up with insertion damage (although that had very little to do with the Mirena and far more to do with endometrial adhesions that decided to explode). I like my Aygestin as an endometriosis stopper, although I’ve been told that it won’t actually prevent pregnancy so whether it qualifies as birth control is iffy.

    10. Ex BCP*

      I’ve typically been on BCPs, but I have some long term issues that two of my naturopaths think are being caused by or at least exacerbated by it, so I’ve recently come off them. I’ll be switching to the copper IUD soonish. I’m super nervous about the insertion, but a good friend loves hers and said it’s over quickly. My hormone levels are all out of whack due to BCPs and we’re having to get those back to a healthy place.

      Everyone is different, but for what it’s worth, my doc is highly against hormonal birth methods. If someone insists on hormonal, the ring is the best of the worth. Otherwise, copper IUD.

      1. Sleepyhead*

        Interestingly that’s one of the reasons I’m going bcp free for a little bit, to see if the hormones are impacting health issues (which both my physician and my naturopath suspect may be the case). I’d highly encourage you to read the book I mentioned above (“your brain on birth control” by Sarah e hill) as it helped me understand how the hormones could potentially be impacting my body and health (and mate choices!!!). The book is definitely not anti-bcp the author was on hormonal bcp for 10+ years herself. It’s more like “here’s a ton of info no one tells women about what happens when you are taking hormones, now you have an informed choice.”

        The middle of the book is this 4 page spread that lists most birth control and their effects. For example there were two kinds that dramatically increased women’s risk for major depression if taken before age 20. Super eye opening and informative.

        I’m now fascinated by the history of bcp and have started reading “the birth of the pill” which is a historical account of how birth control was developed. It’s fascinating and makes me so grateful we have the option for birth control now.

    11. ....*

      Honestly condoms. Hormonal birth control made me emotionally disturbed and I got pregnant on it anyway (and yes I followed the directions 100%). I also know someone who got pregnant with and IUD so I prefer birth control that I can see working and take action if I suspect it’s failed.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, me too. Luckily my husband is on board with this decision.

        I was on the pill in my twenties in my first serious relationship. It totally killed my libido, and while abstinence is the only certain way to prevent pregnancy, it doesn’t exactly help maintain an intimate relationship unless both partners are fine with a celibate lifestyle. We had communication issues as well. It was such a relief to quit the pill. I did go to therapy before I ended the relationship, because I was depressed and had suicidal ideation on a daily basis. But a few weeks after quitting the pill, it was like a veil was lifted from my mind and my depression was gone. This was in the 1990s, though, and pills have improved since then.

        When I started dating my husband, I went on the mini pill (no estrogen). Two weeks after starting it, I started bleeding and it kept on for two months. I had a 3-month trial, but I quit after two. I needed to take iron supplements for six months afterwards because the long bleeding, although it wasn’t very heavy, made me anemic.

    12. MissCoco*

      I’ve had the best luck with the mini-pill, every other version of oral contraceptives gave me nasty nausea pretty constantly.

      I’ve been considering one of the vaginal ring-type BCs because I really don’t like the potential pain aspect of an IUD (even though I know it’s NBD for plenty of people), and the concept of implants kind of squicks me out. I haven’t done much research on it yet though

      1. Courageous cat*

        FWIW, I had implanon (the arm implant) for 2 years and unfortunately I was in the small percentage of women who spotted frequently on it (progestin-only) – but I absolutely looooved it otherwise. It was a virtually painless insertion and removal and it was a cool party trick to have people be able to feel a little flexible rod in your arm.

        Highly recommend, would give anything to be able to go back on it if not the spotting!

      2. Fellow Traveller*

        I had a Nuvaring for years and for me it was the right amount of maintenance – ie. I didn’t have to remember to do it every day, but it was easy to stop using it when I was ready to get pregnant. The only reason it didn’t work for me is that it actually kept falling out during sex – which is actually pretty worrisome. I have an oddly shaped vaginal canal – tampons don’t stay in properly either.

      3. CoffeeforLife*

        I did the nuva ring when it first came out and I spotted every day. EVERY.DAY. It can come out during intercourse, using the bathroom, during a coughing fit at work-ask me how I know.

        1. ampersand*

          Yikes, falling out at work, not good! I was on it for a couple of years and the only side effect was I got my period at the “wrong” time—a week earlier than was supposed to happen. And like clockwork, so my periods were regular. I otherwise had no issues and liked it. I’d totally forgotten I used nuvaring until this post—that, for someone who doesn’t do well on most hormonal birth control, is an endorsement!

    13. No Tribble At All*

      Mirena IUD! I used to have the pill (ortho trycyclin) iirc just for period regulation. I got my first Mirena 7ish? Years ago, after my boyfriend and I started getting serious. The hormones don’t bother me, and I don’t have my period anymore!! I spot for 3 or 4 days maybe once every 2 months. The insertion did hurt like a beeyotch the first time — I did it over the weekend so I had more time to recover, and I almost fainted. Not from pain, but apparently I have some reflex where things touching my cervix makes me woozy. (Vagus nerve?) When I got it swapped for another Mirena, it didn’t hurt nearly as much. I worked though the afternoon with a heating pad on. It felt like moderate-to-light cramping afterwards, probably because my uterus was used to having the Mirena in it already. I looooove it. I have gained a nontrivial amount of weight since I got my first one installed, but I think that was more “graduated college and can buy all the cheese I want.” I can’t express how much I love not having my period.

    14. Jenny*

      Nuvaring. I had stomach trouble on oral contraceptives and constant spotting on the minipill when I was breastfeeding once my periodcame back. I got back on Nuvaring as soon as I weaned.

    15. Yellow Warbler*

      I’m on my second Mirena. I had no periods on the first one, but I do get them on this one from time to time. Not sure if the formula changed, or if I did.

      My husband complained about the strings, so I had them trimmed once. He still says he can feel them, but this has been the best I’ve reacted to a hormonal BC product, so tough luck. Get a vasectomy or STFU.

      As far as pain levels: I’m childfree, so both insertions were on someone who has never been pregnant or given birth, and to be honest my cartilage piercings hurt more.

    16. comityoferrors*

      I have Nexplanon, which is an implant in my arm (near the bicep) and highly recommend it! It only lasts 3 years, but the insertion process was very quick and painless. I’ve heard the removal is more painful, but it’s infrequent enough and in an un-tender enough area of my body for me to be OK with that. It’s very similar to the IUD from what I hear – I have a few periods a year but otherwise nothing, my emotional stability is a lot better than it was on BCP, it’s incredibly freeing to not worry about taking pills every day.

      I went the implant route because I tried to get the IUD and it suuuuucked. I won’t go into details but it would not work for my body. I’ve heard so many success stories with IUDs, so I think it’s worth a try! But if it doesn’t work well for your body or you’re not comfortable trying without sedation (I don’t blame you), I would look into Nexplanon. :)

      1. Courageous cat*

        Oh how I wish I could do Nexplanon again because it was the absolutely most perfect method of birth control, but when I had implanon (same thing) I was in the 20% of women who spotted for years with it :(

    17. WS*

      I have a Mirena, not for birth control but for PCOS and migraine control and it’s been great. If it’s sharp pain specifically you have a problem with, yes, it’s a sharp pain on insertion and briefly very painful then completely over. Not the worst pain of my life or anything, but certainly like a good hard pinch on a very tender area. I also had mild but frequent spotting for the first six weeks then rarely for another six months, then nothing. Compared to extreme pain and torrents of blood monthly (or three-monthly was the best I could manage with pill stacking) it’s a dream come true. And I haven’t had a migraine since.

      This is my second one, and removing the first one was extremely easy, no pain at all. So I would say yes, get one while you’re under and if it doesn’t work, it’s not painful to remove.

    18. KR*

      I have a Skyla (3 year IUD) and I absolutely love it. I’m on my second one. I only started feeling side effects when I got to the last month or so before I was due for a new one. I get a period every month still which I don’t mind – I use it as a way to monitor that everything is still good with my body. I’ve heard it’s smaller than other IUDs too but don’t quote me on that.

      1. KR*

        I just did a quick search and apparently it’s the smallest progestin IUD offered. My doctor told me it was designed for women who hadn’t had kids so that insertion is easier. Obviously check with your doctor though, I’m assuming women with kids can use it if that’s applicable to you. I think when I had mine inserted most recently they called it Kyleena. It hurt going in but it’s so worth it for me to literally not have to worry about getting pregnant at all.

    19. Dwight Schrute*

      I’ve got an iud! I had skyla for 3 years and had kyleena put in about a year and a half ago. I haven’t noticed any side effects, other than I no longer get my period with kyleena. The insertion can suck so I don’t blame you for wanting to be under for it. I’m hoping I can get my tubes tied or have my partner get a vasectomy at some point because I’d love to not have to deal with hormonal BC at all

    20. Reba*

      Definitely worth an ask!

      My first IUD insertion at age 25 and never pregnant, the doc gave me misoprostol to make it easier. I’ve never heard of anyone else doing this, but I think it helped as that insertion *was* easier than the second one without it! So doing it post-dilation would seem to make sense.

      It’s painful, for me it was nowhere near “worst pain of my life” but sort of… shocking? I got light-headed during the second insert.

      I love the hormone IUD, no periods!!! Recommend against trimming the strings.

    21. MCL*

      I was on the pill for about 8 years. I’m in my later 30s and my doc said it was better for people in my age range to switch away from the pill so I now have a Mirena IUD that I got in Sept 2019. I like that it’s “set and forget” and it was overall pretty simple/somewhat uncomfortable but not unbearable to implant. However, I had a lengthy light period after the IUD was put in, which I hated. I do still have a period about every 6 weeks, whereas on the pill I could take it continuously and “schedule” my periods. If I could still be on the pill I’d do that. Mirena is fine, I just really preferred the pill.

    22. Marillenbaum*

      I have a Mirena, and I adore it. I haven’t had a period since it went in, rarely get cramps or spotting, and generally feel great. As someone who is…historically not great at tasks that have to be done every day, it has been a huge weight off my mind, particularly when I was single.

  42. Pie Me!*

    Is there a particular kind of pie that best for throwing at people? Like an actually recipe or should it just be pie crust and whipped cream? Plotting a personal fundraiser and pie throwing is at the top of the list.

          1. nep*

            I’m so glad this came up and I got a chance to look at that post.
            The mental preparation so we can ‘make a scene’ when need be–wow. Essential. Such a great point about ‘taking the time to really process what prioritizing your safety means.’
            When I started to read your description of the activism job, I knew it must have been w PETA.
            Not to veer too much into work here, but I have applied for editorial type jobs w them and I’ve often thought about what it must be like to take on a role like the one you had. Amazing.

    4. Sabine the Very Mean*

      From my experience watching What Would You Do? on Nickelodeon, it’s just a pie crust with lots of whipped cream to soften the blow.

    5. Buni*

      If you really want to minimise potential injury go for a soft spongy flan-type casing instead of shortcrust.

      But depending on how far you have to fling it they’re lighter so probably not as aerodynamic…

    6. oranges & lemons*

      At my elementary school fair (my only encounter with pie throwing) I think it was just a tin pie plate filled with whipped cream, which I found disappointing. But I think the traditional choice was a custard pie, since it would hold together well and also be gross to clean off. It does make me sad to think of a delicious custard pie being wasted, though.

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I work in theatre and when we’ve had to do this kind of thing in that past, we often do just whipped cream, as mentioned, or, if it’s something that has to sit around for a while, we will fill an empty pie plate with shaving cream.

    8. 00ff00Claire*

      Are people actually throwing the pie? Or does someone just get pie in the face? If it’s just pushing a pie into someone’s face, you can even do just cool whip on a paper plate. That way, anyone getting a pie in the face gets their own personal “pie”, but it’s still cheap. My sibling had to help with this at a fundraiser and that’s how they did it.

    9. Bookmom*

      Sensitive skin (not menthol!!) shaving cream in a foil pan. It’s basically soap so it cleans up and washes out of clothes easily. Our Cub Scout pack did pie-in-the-face as an incentive for kids to meet the suggested minimum on the annual fundraiser. It was so much fun. It’s also cheaper than whipped cream or cool whip.

  43. LQ*

    I’m looking for..maybe reassurance? I don’t want this to be political, more about the stuff around it. I live close enough to a place that has had a lot of threats for this weekend and the next few days that I’m worried, and more of a big deal, the people who know me are worried. I think they are more worried than I am. I’ve had other moments both this year and in years past (though more this year than any other) where I’ve been a bit worried for my own physical safety and the safety of my home.

    The thing that’s really strange is this year both here and the earlier riots, I’ve had a lot of folks offering me space at their homes. I’m sure they are all doing it out of kindness but it seems weird and honestly every time it happens it makes me more anxious. I have a plan enough. I have a friend who is close enough and I have a bag and I grab it and walk to her house if something really bad happens. Mostly I’m on the top floor of a large apartment complex.

    I love where I live, it’s been my home basically my entire adult life. I’ve lived here longer than anywhere else. I love my apartment. I love my neighborhood. I love my building. I want to stay. But for the first time I have all this anxiety about it and I don’t think it’s mine. (I have plenty of my own anxiety, but I know what my anxiety sounds like, and it’s never fear for my own safety.)

    It’s also weird because I have people who I’d consider nearly strangers offering me spaces. Most of those are folks I work with, and a few sort of just acquaintances or friends of the family folks who I don’t really know who essentially know where I live and are scared for me. I would never offer an unsolicited place to stay for a week to a person I wasn’t really really close to. Is that something people do a lot?

    (I’m not trying to add to or take away from anyone else’s experience with this, but it’s …disconcerting to me to be treated like I’m a refugee from my home by so many people.)

    1. Courageous cat*

      Hmm, it just seems like general kindness to me (especially if you’re expressing your anxiety to them, but even if you’re not). They’re asking with the assumption you’ll say no if you don’t want to, and that will be that. Maybe I’m missing something, but I think you’re reading into it more than is necessary.

      1. LQ*

        I think I am too. I’m not expressing anxiety to them unless they are asking and even then it’s mostly just, yeah it’s a weird messed up thing huh. I think asking with the assumption that I’ll say no is helpful to hear. So thank you!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      If you are looking for someone here to say, do not take their offers, I can’t give you that.
      I’d take their offers. I’d bring my dog with me and probably my fire safe.

      I am overly cautious and I tend to over plan. So there is that. There are probably enough people looking at this that problems will be minimal if any. But… I would still build my own plan for myself.

      1. LQ*

        It’s useful to hear that some people would take the offers. It puts it into a different perspective so thank you! I definitely have a plan, just for me leaving is at the very end of that plan.

    3. fposte*

      I’m not a super-hospitable person. I don’t mean that in a bad way, but I don’t do a lot of hosting because I find it stressful. But lots of people, including friends of mine, aren’t like that; they genuinely like putting people up.

      I think they may therefore not be that terribly scared for you; it’s just that this is something easy for them to offer that seems like it could forestall problems. Think of it in the terms of something you might find easy to offer—half your lunch to a co-worker who forgot hers, that kind of thing. (It’s also possible that some of this is rooted in many non-city dwellers’ anxiety about cities.)

      1. LQ*

        That’s helpful, thank you. I know at least a couple of the people are people who do regularly have guests (not now, but in normaler times) so that’s helpful to think of it’s not a big deal for them to offer. It would be a tremendous imposition for me to offer so I tend to think of it like that. Thank you!

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Yeah, you’ve got a whole room in your house that you’ve furnished and decorated just so you can have people stay there. What’s the point of that, if nobody ever uses it? (Ok, you have a possible home office in case a global pandemic forces you to work at home for months, but that’s still a waste of the guest linens you’ve bought.)

    4. Not A Manager*

      People tend to over-estimate the danger of areas that they don’t live in, especially when they see scary images set in those locations. And I think the idea that the outcomes that you read about in far away places *could* happen in areas/to people that you know makes people want to intervene to “save” their acquaintance.

      And as we see in this thread, people’s personal anxiety can project onto you and cause them to override your personal experience with their own fears.

      My advice is to hear these offers of housing as both kind offers from people who believe you might WANT such a refuge, and also as reflections of their own fears and anxieties. I would respond fairly blandly. “Thank you so much for the offer, I know these are worrisome times for all of us. As it happens, I have a plan in case things get sticky, but it’s always good to have a backup!”

      If they offer again, then I think you can say that these conversations make you anxious and repeat that you have a plan in place already.

      1. LQ*

        This is good, that’s just about exactly how I’ve been responding. It’s very kind of you to offer but no thank you. Most haven’t repeated multiple times per incident, just each time something that’s …a kind of urban scary it comes up again. I think the over-estimating danger is a big part of this. It looms large and when people are talking about the dangers and fears it always comes up that I live in that area so people then later want to check in on me. Thank you this is helpful perspective.

    5. Reba*

      I feel like people are offering this (what would normally be pretty strange from people you don’t know well) because they don’t know anything helpful to do. I mean, what can anyone do about [pervasive situation that’s scary and we don’t know what will happen next week]? This will probably solve itself soon, in the meantime can you try to translate these offers into “I am worried and care about you/people in general”?

      I totally get what you’re saying about these offers ramping up your anxiety! My relatives have offered their homes — they live several states away, so, uh… thanks.

      I would say I’m concerned-ish, we have bags by the door and we have a car ready to leave, but I really doubt we’ll use them. I’m also concentrating on the positive, ordinary interactions I have with neighbors and so on — things are wild but also, normal life is still here.

      1. LQ*

        The “I’m worried and care about you/people in general” is definitely a good translation. Some of them very much feel like just generic worry about people and I fit into that frame and they know me so they want to help and this feels like help they can do.

        I’m about where you are, bag, plan. It’s my city and I know it well. There’s still a place I’ll go get coffee or pick up a pizza to go or lament about not being able to have brunch at. It’s still my normal home.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      People care about you and they’re letting you know that. To offer you space in one’s private residence is a BIG gesture of kindness. (I couldn’t make such a offer.) It’s interesting you’re perceiving something negative in the offers. Maybe you feel people are criticizing where you live?
      Reassure the offer-ers that you have a safety plan in place and you’ll vacate your home, if needed. Please remember the situation is temporary and do what you can to keep your anxiety (and theirs) at bay. I do safety things that might seem a little paranoid but I consider them “good luck charms” for warding off bad stuff.
      I hope to God you are perfectly okay this weekend and nothing happens. Best Wishes.

      1. LQ*

        I don’t think that they are trying to be negative, concerned, yes, but not negative. It’s just that it’s been a kind of tick tick tick of other people’s anxiety for the last couple days. (I got three offers just between last night and this morning and it’s just feeling a little intense.) I do think that a couple other people have responded about the offer maybe not being as big of a deal for some of these folks and I think that’s true. It’s still a big gesture and a very kind one, but it’s different when you have a little guest room over the garage you can offer to someone rather than what that offer would be in my home. The perspective here is incredibly helpful and I’m already feeling like I’ve got a much better frame for this!

    7. Chaordic One*

      Yes, it is something that is done if you have the space to accommodate a guest for a few days. It is made by the same sort of friends who might invite you to spend a weekend with them. It is well-meaning on their behalf, so thank them, but know that you don’t have to take them up on the offer.

      I lived in the Los Angeles area during the Rodney King verdict riots. Although I lived in a neighboring suburb, there were stores and restaurants only a few blocks from where I lived that I patronized and that were vandalized and robbed. I was scared. I seriously thought about driving to stay with friends near Palm Springs (although they didn’t invite me). I ended up hunkering down in my apartment and not leaving the building for 3 days. It was creepy, but nothing bad happened to me.

      1. LQ*

        I think the “effort” of the offer seems so large and outsized to me, but you’re right that it’s very much made by people where that effort is a lot smaller. I’m in a studio apartment. All of these people have at the very least guest rooms, and a few of them like entire other living spaces (like mother in law kinds of spaces) that they have for guests, and of course they don’t have guests much right now, so it’s much less of a thing for them to extend than for me. Hunkering down is where I’m at. I figure I’m tucked in for the weekend, at least into my building. The chances of something actually happening here are very low even if it is or feels really close.

        1. Dino*

          Once I finally had enough space to offer to put people up I did it for anyone I felt close to/comfortable with, especially if it made life easier or provided a reprieve for the kind folks in my life. I would definitely offer this for a friend, but would also never feel offended if they didn’t take me up on it. I need my space and totally get that, and know that sometimes socialing and packing and traveling adds stress rather than relieving it. Continue to turn down offers that you don’t want to accept without guilt! But it may help to translate them into “this person is expressing care, how nice” and let it go.

    8. OtterB*

      I think people are trying to reach out and not seem oblivious to possible need, on the general principle that it’s better to offer something not needed than to say nothing because it seems awkward and then find out later there was something useful you could have done. Perhaps it’s an attempt to deal with their own anxieties about the whole *waves hands* situation by attempting to do something concrete rather than just fret. In any case, I think you just need a response of “I have a plan in place, but thanks for thinking of me.”

      1. LQ*

        This is helpful to think about too. The chances for something happening are slim, but if they did and they then felt like they could have done something like offered space and didn’t …that’s definitely a thought process that could be happening here to kick this off. Its very helpful thank you!

    9. CTT*

      I’m going to echo the others and say that I think this is the way a lot of people are expressing their concern and trying to do something tangible. For what it’s worth, I did once take up that offer in semi-similar circumstances. It wasn’t that I was scared, but there were street closures that meant I would have to move my car and my street was going to be closed for ? hours (the police were very vague) and it was all turning into such a hassle that I ended up driving to my parents’ that weekend. And so having taken advantage of that sort of offer and knowing it was useful for me, I would definitely offer it now, partially out of concern but also in an effort to make your life easier. (Having seen the street and Metro closures for DC next week, I would be out of there just so I could get takeout without it being an odyssey).

    10. RagingADHD*

      A lot of people cope with their general worries about big things in the world that they can’t control by doing something positive that they can control.

      It may not be that these folks are deeply concerned for your particular situation, but they want to be a safe haven for anyone who needs it. And they think you might possibly be someone who needs it.

      They have probably made the same offer to several people.

    11. oranges & lemons*

      I think I know what you mean, although I haven’t been in this particular situation. I often find that I’m influenced by the anxiety of others and tend to second-guess myself and wonder whether I’m less worried than I should be. I think you probably have a better read on the situation than others do, though.

      1. OceanDiva*

        Two of my coworkers made similar offers to our small-ish team, especially those of us who live closer to the WH. It was sweet, although things would have to be truly bad for me to take them up on it. Good to have an emergency plan C I guess? It’s coming from a good place, where so many of us are far from family.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      We’re having our first snow storm of the year, so I think I’ll find a place where I can go walk tomorrow. Should be beautiful. Today, I’m staying in. I have no intention of driving in that snow if I don’t have to.
      I’ve discovered that I like virtual classes because I can actually listen to my body and not try to push myself so people won’t judge. I think this is going to be good for me. But I miss seeing people so after the pandemic, I’m definitely going back to in-class activities. Zumba is just not the same without all the other people having fun at the same time as you.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Still loving Fitness+!! I do wish I could sort the treadmill sessions by “no hills” because my treadmill only has manual incline changes which are not really viable mid-workout. But I’ve tried treadmill, cycling (which I’ve also adapted to my mini-elliptical), rowing, HIIT and dance (though I gave up trying to follow her routine halfway through and finished up with a weird combination of the electric slide and the Macarena).

      Alas, Ring Fit Adventures did not manage to hold my attention very well.

    3. nep*

      Slightly related to my thread above about regaining some strength/fitness: I realised the other day that it had been a really long time since I tried the move of (from standing) sitting crossed-leg on the floor then standing back up without holding on to anything. Used to be able to do it fairly smoothly when my core was stronger and I had better mobility. Tried it the other day and let’s just say I’ve got a ways to go to get it back. But I will.
      I lead online group ex workouts a few times a week, so that gets me moving no matter what. Beyond that, looking to get my strength back with bodyweight/core and kettlebell moves.

    4. fposte*

      I went back on the elliptical! I can’t go very long, and I really need to remember to keep my mouth closed afterwards as well as during, because I get terrible track hack otherwise. But it felt sooo good.

    5. CatCat*

      I’ve been doing a trial of Barre3 online and have decided to subscribe. I love that there’s basically two versions of each exercise and the person doing modifications is easy to seeand follow. The exercises have been very doable for me and I’ve been enjoying it so plan to keep going with it!

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      We moved this week, so while I didn’t stick to my workout regimen, I definitely exerted myself.

      But it wasn’t good. Thursday I didn’t sit down until the evening, and my legs were so sore I couldn’t sleep. My body aches. I am an obsessive unpacker– I won’t eat or rest until it’s done unless I force myself.

      So today I did a yoga workout designed for workout recovery. Long stretches. It helped a little, but man. So a reminder– take breaks and stretch, don’t be like me!

    8. The teapots are on fire*

      I kept up with my Fitness Blender workouts until I got a bad stomach bug (no idea how that happened and it’s sad that I’m hoping I gave myself food poisoning), and just today started walking. I’ll pick up my regular workouts where I left off in a week.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood”*

      I’m starting back into walking after too long of w*word intervening, plus my feet hurting from not realizing the soles on my comfiest shoes had worn out.
      My lightup safety gadget came so i can walk in dim light if there’s a gap in the rain. I do need new shoes…big problem with my weird feet, mail order never works. (My sneakers are miserable in cold damp weather because of that ‘stay cool’ breathable mesh.)
      I also acquired an elastic stretch gadget, from Staples of all places. Let the calisthenics begin…

    10. Workerbee*

      I’ve been on my elliptical, and have also made myself bundle up and walk around outside for st least 15 minutes. I can be a wuss about the cold, but lately I’ve been realizing that if I had fun in the snow as a kid, why can’t I now? I seem to have become a hibernator in the intervening years.

      Though to be honest, if I’m not actively building a snowman or something, I make the time pass by calling a friend.

      On the elliptical, I always have a book (mostly electronic to eliminate propping up with a hand) or iPad on the stand, and music playing.

    11. DistantAudacity*

      The weather and winter gods have still been aligned, so I’ve been out cross-country skiing again – even on Thursday afternoon when it’s dark out (but there are streetlights along the forest roads the ski tracks are on). And hey – I was much better at it the second and third time I was out, than the first. Go me!

      It was -10 C when I was out this Sunday morning, but it’s due to change up and rain this next week. I’ll have to possibly do some running, and hope that not all skiing is gone (at least that I won’t have to travel too far to get to the tracks).

    12. Hi there*

      I finally used the rowing machine I bought in the fall, 15 minutes while I listened to a podcast. I also had a nice run on Wednesday. This week I am gearing up for a 10 week strength program that starts on the 25th.

    13. Marillenbaum*

      Yoga with Adrienne 30-day challenge continues! It has felt really good to have a time each day where I get on the mat and do my best, and I might need to keep this up going forward.

  45. anonlurkerappa*

    Tea People!

    I’m looking for suggestions to find new herbal, caffeine free teas that fit my picky preferences.

    I like: chamomile, mint. HATE: licorice.

    Is there a tea website that recommends different blends? Or if people just have recommendations?

    I’m currently drinking a lot of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime (Chamomile, spearmint, lemongrass, tilia flowers, blackberry leaves, orange blossoms, hawthorn and rosebuds) and Tea Source’s Evening in Missoula (chamomile, rosehips, lemongrass, papaya leaf, peppermint, spearmint, blackberry leaf, raspberry leaf, red clover, alfalfa, star anise, wild cherry bark, lemon peel, wintergreen, natural & artificial flavor, lavender, stevia leaf). I’d like to more variations on this theme. Thanks!

    1. nep*

      I don’t generally like flavored teas, so I was amazed to see how much I like Celestial Seasonings Cranberry Apple Zinger. Sooo good. I’m not very adventurous; that’s the only one I’ll buy now. Otherwise plain black or plain green decaf.

    2. Llama face!*

      If you can get David’s Tea where you are located you may like Mother’s Little Helper. It has peppermint, lemongrass, hibiscus, rosehips, chamomile, valerian root, & cornflowers. The mint is fairly prominent but the other flavours do shine through too.

      One warning about David’s Tea teas is that they tend to hide rooibus in things. So teas that are in the herbal section (not the rooibus section) sometimes have rooibus as an ingredient. I hate rooibus- it is like the cilantro of tea*- so that makes me leery of the teas unless I carefully scan the ingredient list. Also a fair number of their blends contain sweeteners.

      *Strong flavour you either love or hate & overpowers everything it’s in (yes I’m a cilantro hater).

      1. KittyCardigans*

        I so strongly agree that rooibus is the cilantro of tea—I can’t put my finger on what is so unappealing about it, but I just find it yucky! Great way to phrase that.

        I do like cilantro; go figure.

        1. allathian*

          I guess I’m one of the few people that can take or leave cilantro, I don’t have any strong opinions about it either way. I like both mint and rooibos, but I absolutely can’t stand chamomile. Go figure!

          When I want a caffeine-free infusion, it’s usually rooibos. Sometimes I’ll drink a rosehip infusion as well.

    3. HamlindigoBlue*

      Tazo has a lemon loaf tea that tastes just like the cake. I can only find it at Target, so I will usually pick up a couple of boxes when I’m there. I drink it plain or with a bit of almond milk. It’s definitely my favorite.

    4. Reba*

      I’m not into chamomile personally, but currently have a Tilleul (linden) blend and a fruity-hibiscus situation, both from Harney and sons. My house also goes through a lot of the CS Bengal spice teabags :) A local place to me, Teaism, has this incredible blend called Star of Africa — rooibos, yellow plum, orange, apple, papaya, pineapple & ginger — and another one I like with verveine and lavender.

      1. Pippa K*

        We buy CS Bengal Spice 6 boxes at a time :) I also enthusiastically recommend T2 teas. I like the French Earl Grey a lot, but they have a large range of no-tea herbal blends as well.

      2. allathian*

        My favorite is plain rooibos, but some people really dislike it. It’s my go-to when I want a caffeine-free refresher.

    7. Chaordic One*

      I love Tazo Wild Sweet Orange. It is a mixture orange peel, lemongrass, citrus herbs and licorice root (although I don’t taste the licorice). It doesn’t have sugar in it, but has a naturally sweet taste.

    8. Lyudie*

      I don’t do much herbal tea, but Adagio Tea is a great site with interesting blends you might want to check out. I also like Harney & Sons, I do have one of their herbals (hot cinnamon spice rooibos) that I like a lot. My husband is a fan of some of Celestial Seasonings herbal teas, I think he’s drinking one of the ginger teas these days.

      1. Nessun*

        Second Adagio, they have a great selection, lovely little tins, and hilarious fan-base teas. There’s bade teas, and there’s a huge selection of blends for whatever you enjoy.

      2. Yellow Warbler*

        I am permanently boycotting Adagio after a really terrible customer service experience. I warn people away from them, it was that bad.

        Harney & Sons, Vital Tea Leaf, and Upton Teas have all been good experiences for me.

    9. LDF*

      Art Of Tea’s website has a “rec me something” quiz. It’s probably not going to be like super specifically similar to those 2 but could be a fun way to try something new. Or just browse the selection at any online store! I hate licorice and ginger in my tea and while finding something new and fun at the grocery can be challenging, there’s endless varieties online without those.

    10. Bobina*

      When it comes to herbal teas, I tend to love the very fruity/berry flavours – so you could try those if you like. I know Celestial Seasonings used to have one that I loved but I’ve not seen it around me in ages. In general anything with hibiscus in will be very fruity and quite sour/tart – so you can look for that as an ingredient if you want to give it a shot.

      1. Filosofickle*

        You might be thinking of Wild Berry Zinger or Red Zinger :)
        They still exist but have been a little harder to find. Especially Red which is my fav.

    11. Girasol*

      My favorites are out of the garden: beebalm or lemon mint (monarda didyma and monarda citriodora) and lavender. I have seen lavender tea online occasionally. I’ve never seen monarda teas for sale, just monarda plants (if you buy, go for the lavender flowered ones; the red ones are favored by hummingbirds but aren’t as tasty for tea.) Both are a little zippier than regular mint but lack the sour notes that put me off so many of the packaged herb teas.

    12. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t see ginger on your list.
      If you like ginger then this might appeal to you. I especially like ginger tea if I feel coldy or if I would like something comforting that won’t make me think about bedtime.

    13. Purple Penguin*

      I love Clipper brand tea (or Cupper if you’re based in Germany). Their snore and peace blend in particular is a delightful blend of chamomile, lavender and lemon balm. I drink it often. Their Strawberry Fields is also lovely.

      For the holidays I was gifted a nice Celestial Seasonings fruit tea sampler with five flavors (raspberry, peach, wild berry, blueberry and black cherry). Each flavor has hibiscus as a base, so could be good if you like zing.

    14. SG*

      Do you like Rooibos? These days I’m totally in love with Yogi brand Chai Rooibos — one of my favorites of all time! I add a little soymilk and stevia.
      Other favorite herbal/caffeine free teas:
      – Yogi Rooibos chai (repeating it here because YUM)
      – Yogi honey lavender
      – Good Earth Sweet & Spicy Herbal Caffeine Free
      – Celestial Seasonings Madagascar Vanilla Rooibos (I add a little soymilk and stevia)
      – Celestial Seasonings Honey Vanilla Chamomile
      – Celestial Seasonings Candy Cane Lane (it’s made with decaffeinated green, and is so yummy and tastes different than plain peppermint)
      – Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice (reminiscent of Good Earth sweet & spicy, but milder)
      – Tulsi (holy basil) herbal tea – used to get this at Trader Joe’s but they discontinued it, but other brands make it)
      – Traditional Medicinals Chamomile w/lavender
      Hope this list is helpful — enjoy!

    15. Bluebell*

      I really like Pukka tea, which is an English brand. They have a chamomile/vanilla/honey blend, and a three chamomile blend, and their Relax blend is chamomile, fennel and ginger (it doesn’t taste like licorice to me). There is a nice blend called Love with chamomile, wildflower, lavender and limeflower, but sadly it lists licorice as an ingredient.

      1. pancakes*

        The Pukka mint is my favorite mint tea. I’ve just bought some of their mint-matcha blend too, but haven’t tried it yet. I’m also a big fan of thyme tea, Fauchon if I can get it, or Celebration Herbals more frequently.

        Good websites for browsing & buying tea:
        Snuk Foods
        Grand Tea & Imports
        Bellocq Tea Atelier

        1. pancakes*

          I also want to recommend Valverbe teas, organic herbal teas from the Italian Alps. I get them at an Italian grocery, Buon Italia – local to me in NYC, but they ship too. Very good quality and not expensive (approx. $4/box).

    17. DistantAudacity*

      Not quite your question, but I recently discovered that Yorkshire Tea (dot co dot uk) does a very good decaf «proper» black tea. So pleased!

    18. Ears*

      I think Twinings’ chamomile, honey and vanilla tea, and their pure peppermint tea, are quite nice. :)

    19. Squeakrad*

      We have discovered Numim – they are a bit more expensive than other herbal teas but they have a lot of different flavors. We also like Pukka – again a wide variety of flavors.

    20. rosemary manning hughes*

      Local Tea Company uses the fruits and plants from local botanical gardens to create teas. I LOVE the Ford and Edison tea that they make but I have tried a number of other teas. Part of the profits goes back to support the gardens.

      We are also big Harney Tea people. They are local to us and are lovely people.

    21. Urban Prof*

      I am a tea fanatic, and I absolutely swear by The Republic of Tea, at republicoftea dot com.
      Their Cinnamon Cardamom is my autumn/winter herbal caffeine-free tea. Their Key Lime Hibiscus is my spring/summer herbal caffeine-free tea.
      They have a Watermelon Mint that I use for iced tea in the summer, and a Blackberry Sage that I drink whenever.
      For regular full-caffeine tea, I constantly drink their Ginger Peach and their Traveler’s Chai.

      Seriously, go click around their website. You can’t go wrong. If you get their catalogue through the mail, there’s a free tea sample enclosed every time!

  46. Books about dog ownership*

    What are some great books for first time dog owners?

    My partner and I are thinking of bringing a dog into our lives in the coming year or so (we’re open to both adoption and buying a puppy from a responsible breeder). My partner grew up with dogs but I’ve never had one, and I want to make sure I don’t go into this naively as it’s such a commitment – so I’m looking for books that lay out the basics of dog ownership and training, how to choose the right breed etc. I’ve been finding some online resources and have been watching videos, but do like proper books :) I’m in the UK if it makes any difference.

    Thank you!

    1. Dog and cat fosterer*

      I really enjoyed Stanley Coren’s How to Speak Dog. It describes dog language, and is really easy to read as he bases everything on science yet he adds his own experiences which are funny and interesting. It’s specific to dog behavior, so might not help you right now, but if you watch a bit of this video and want more then I would suggest it for you:
      https://youtu.be/wqGMCyoG4iA

      He also wrote Understanding Your Dog for Dummies, which has piles of info about breeds, and training, and is likely the book that you need. He talks about finding the right breed and temperament for your lifestyle. He is an expert trainer and one day got a beagle, and he said that everyone asked himwhy he would ever want such a notoriously difficult breed for training, and he explained that he was older and had grandkids, and he wanted a dog that he could trust to always love the kids (his beagle had a short memory and loved the kids two minutes after they pulled its ears or tail).

      Basics of dogs:
      BE CONSISTENT
      Training should be 5-10 mins a few times a day at most (this is what professionals do with intense board-and-train, the key is that they do everything consistently 3-5 times per day every day). Either or both of you can do the training, but sort out the rules and stick to them.

      My point is that it doesn’t have to be a huge amount of work. You need to enjoy walks, of course, otherwise get a cat :) So dogs take time, but ideally not work. I foster and in my case the extra work is when I foster dogs that need a lot of exercise (I find them forever homes that are more active than me) or when they need serious training (it isn’t a lot of extra time per day, but I need to be much more careful about keeping to a schedule) or the worst are litters of young (4-8 week old) poopies that need constant cleaning which can take an hour or more every day (picking up poop and pee, washing floors, bathing poopies, and doing laundry). Oh, in a flashback to bad times, the worst are poopies with medical issues. Anyway, not to complain, my point is that the right dog should make the time spent with them enjoyable, including walks and training.

      1. Books about dog ownership*

        Understanding Your dog for dummies sounds great as a starting point. Thanks also for your advice, I feel more encouraged :) It’s reassuring to hear that training doesn’t need to be constant, but consistent.

        And thank you for fostering! I’m grateful to people like you who can help animals in need on their way to their forever jome. I hope it’s rewarding for you too.

        1. Cat and dog fosterer*

          I’m addicted to fostering! Well over a hundred cats over the past decade, and a few dozen dogs maybe? The numbers get high quickly with litters of poopies and kittens (so I don’t have a hoarding home full of animals, but with 2-3 litters of kittens most years for 4-8 weeks each, the numbers add up quickly even if the foster room is mostly empty in winter). I definitely get something out of it, when I get a sick or troubled animal in care and I can make them healthy and adoptable. I have learned so much about behavior and illness, which I find interesting, and there are many other fosterers who have become good friends.

          As mentioned by others, avoid Cesar Milan or anything that sounds like him. Trainers in his style usually refer to him somewhere, so are easy to avoid.

          The book that I mentioned, How to Speak Dog, I am reminded that it has a lot of useful info about reading intentions (front paw up or yawning mean submission with an attempt to calm) and he explains ways that humans can calm dogs (turn your face slightly when you look at them (direct stare from a partner is loving with humans but worries dogs), scritch the chin before patting the top of head, etc)

          1. Books about dog ownership*

            Wow, so many fosters! It’s amazing that you’ve been doing it consistently for so long. I hope I can find something to be this passionate about, you’re an inspiration :)

            The bit about reading intention is so interesting, it’s something I really don’t get about animals. I’m pretty empathic with humans and pick up on things that are not said, so it’s disorientating not to have that instinctive understanding with dogs. Looking forward to learning.

            1. allathian*

              The thing about dogs is that they’re empathic to humans. They can read human faces better than many humans can, and their sense of smell helps them interpret our emotions as well as our health status. There are diabetic service dogs that can be trained to bring a snack or a juice carton to their human who is about to pass out, because they can smell the low blood sugar. Dogs are amazing creatures. Our son would love to have one, but my husband is severely allergic and so is my MIL.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When we were in the process of adopting our dog, I read something from the Dummies series– Dog Ownership for Dummies, maybe? Sounds silly, but it was a great guide to everything.

      I’m a big fan of rescue, and one of the benefits of adopting our bud has been the ability to communicate with fellow adopters. So I also recommend a rescue with an active social network group.

      1. Cat and dog fosterer*

        I put a link in my comment and it is now in moderation so I’ll repeat myself slightly:
        Understanding Your Dog for Dummies by Stanley Coren
        They talk about breeds, quickly assessing temperament, training, and quite a few other topics.

        How to Speak Dog is also by the same author and a fun read, but more about dog behavior so would be better when you have a dog to observe.

        Both are fun books to read. I have been loaned other books with similar topics but he combines science with relevant anecdotes in a way that I much prefer.

      2. Books about dog ownership*

        I wasn’t aware that there were networks of adopters, that sounds super useful.

        Rescues are beginning to fill up here in the UK, first time puppy ownership has exploded in the last year as people have wanted company during lockdown. As the realities of owning a dog hits, many are handing their dogs over to rescues… I dread being one of those people so want to do as much research as possible!

    3. Dwight Schrute*

      Oh yes! I work for a dog trainer on the side so I’ve got a few recommendations. On talking terms with dogs is a great book all about calming signals and body language. Social, civil, savvy ( I think that’s the order of the title, I can never remember it off the top of my head) is good for socialization! Perfect Puppy in 7 days is also a good book. I’ll also suggest anything by Suzanne Clothier. I’d strongly suggest staying away from anything Cesar Milan or balanced esque as his methods are widely discredited, and balanced training can come with the risk of behavioral fallout. Good luck with your new pup! Make sure any breeder you’re looking into health tests their dogs and can give a solid reason for the breeding pair.

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Oh also if you’re going the breeder route don’t use a breeder who sends pups home early. 8 weeks is the absolute youngest they should go home but honestly 10-14 weeks is more ideal

      2. Books about dog ownership*

        Amazing, thank you! I’ve never heard of balanced training before, I’ll look into it and stay away… Thanks also for your tips about breeders, it’s such a minefield for inexperienced potential buyers like me. Now that demand is so high, there are a lot of puppy farms and scams about… Scary stuff. Prices for puppies have shot up to ridiculous levels (e.g. £4,000 for some breeds that were around the £1,000 mark pre-covid).

        1. Dwight Schrute*

          Ah yes! I’ve got a list of questions to ask breeders too to help find a good one. There are some Facebook groups too with good info! It’s tough to find people who breed for temperament and health. I’d recommend looking into breeders from your breeds club webpage if you go that route! Or AKC/UKC breeders

        2. Natalie*

          The dogs subreddit (r/dogs) has some good resources on picking a responsible breeder. They can be annoyingly intense about many topics (dog parks, rescuing, pet insurance) but I think their breeder advice is solid and expansive – for example, they do a better job of explaining exactly what kinds of health tests you should be looking for. People also post asking them to evaluate specific breeders all the time.

    4. Puppy!*

      I am not a video person and would much rather read. Mother Knows Best is my bible that worked with my first puppy 25 years ago. not so much with this one on the crate training. Might be because we don’t go anywhere.

      the video that HAS been helping me is Dog Training 101.- it is on sale now for about 30 dollars.
      Its a commitment but worth it. I HAVE a very good dog.
      I would recommend watching them BEFORE getting the dog- when the puppy is around, attention must be paid.

      1. Books about dog ownership*

        Thank you! And good point about watching and learning before the puppy / dog gets here… Hope you and your puppy are having fun times together.

    5. Mephyle*

      Books by Patricia McConnell. I haven’t read them but I confidently can recommend them because of what she writes in her blog. She is an animal behaviour scientist and dog lover. The ones of her books that seem to be the most relevant to you might be The Puppy Primer, Family Friendly Dog Training and The Other End of the Leash. You can read about them and her other books on her website.

  47. Lyudie*

    There were some comments about being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, especially as a woman, in yesterday’s thread. How did you get the screening? Did you ask your regular doctor for a referral? Just curious what others’ experiences have been. I’ve been wondering if I have it myself, I used to think I didn’t but the more I read about adults diagnosed later in life, especially women, I am wondering.

    1. RagingADHD*

      I’m in the US and asked my primary doctor. She sent me to a psychologist who made the dx based on an interview and history.

      For the first few years, my primary doc managed the meds, but now I get them through an NP who’s part of a therapy practice.

      If you’re in the US, you should know that there are no officially approved neuropsychology tests for diagnosis. The FDA does not consider any of the existing tests to be accurate or conclusive enough. The medical standard is a clinical interview and history.

      Some practices require testing before they will accept a patient or prescribe meds. This is basically a gatekeeping measure, probably intended to block drug-seeking.

      However, the practical result is that you have to pay out of pocket for those tests, because insurance won’t cover anything that isn’t FDA approved. So it gatekeeps for disposable income rather than legitimate need.

      When I was looking for an ADHD specialist, I encountered a practice that was going to require a test, even though I had an existing dx. When I discovered it wasn’t covered, I cancelled my appointment. Lo and behold, the test wasn’t “required” after all, they were willing to take me anyway.

      (Shouldn’t have bothered. That place was a shitshow.)

      If a practice requires tests that you have to pay for, find a new practice.

      1. Lyudie*

        Thank you so much, this is super helpful! My new dr (previous PCP left the practice) seems to be very open and such with mental things, I’m already medicated for depression and anxiety so I don’t think she’d be resistant if I asked about…I already see a psychologist as a therapist so I can talk to her too. I’m 99% sure my insurance won’t cover any of it, they don’t seem to cover much of anything beyond basic preventative care. But if there aren’t tests etc. to pay for (I am in the US), I can do it as part of a normal telehealth visit or therapy visit, so that’s not a big deal. This is so helpful, thanks <3

        1. RagingADHD*

          ADHD is neurodevelopmental, not really “mental health” in the same way that anxiety & depression are. Insurances may differ, but all of my treatment has been dealt with as any chronic physical condition.

          My primary doc only stopped managing ADHD meds because of a new legal requirement for follow up visits every 3 months (controlled substance). Her other patients weren’t able to get appointments, so she referred us out.

          Fun fact: ADHD is often comorbid with depression and/or anxiety, but it is also true that women with ADHD are especially at risk of being misdiagnosed with depression, anxiety, or even bipolar disorder. It’s good that you will have continuity of care, because your needs for other treatment may well change if you get treated for ADHD. (Not saying it all magically goes away, but things shift around and need to be dealt with differently.)

        2. Oatmeal*

          Some drs will kind of dismiss adhd symptoms as depression/anxiety, so be on the lookout for that so you can advocate for yourself if necessary. Just a heads up.

      2. Natalie*

        Flashback to the churn & burn psych place in my metro that rejected my diagnosis and testing seemingly solely on the basis that I had finished college and never been arrested. Such a weird experience. Anyway.

        For whatever it’s worth, I had neuropsych testing that was covered by my insurance, maybe because I was just referred there for some general symptoms and not specifically for ADHD? The doctor did take history and do an interview as well. I found the testing incredibly interesting, so if it’s something one’s insurance will cover, go for it.

        1. RagingADHD*

          That’s cool! Maybe something has gotten approval recently, or maybe some insurers are gambling that paying for a 1-time test will save them money on covering meds?

          The approved ones I knew about were only applicable for kids.

    2. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      I don’t live in the US so this might not be helpful. My son was diagnosed by a neurodevelopmental paediatrician, who suggested that I be tested as well.

      She referred me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me based on family history and an interview about my childhood and adult experiences (I was about 40 at the time of the diagnosis).

    3. Emily*

      I’m doing this right now.

      I asked my regular doctor, who linked me to the website of a nearby psychologist specializing in ADHD. She also said that if I thought there might be other psychiatric conditions like depression or anxiety, she could refer me to one of their consulting psychiatrists after an appointment with her or another doctor first to assess likelihood and severity of potential issues.

      I spoke to the psychologist (no referral necessary), who told me the procedure (initial interview, several hours of cognitive testing, and then later discussion of results) and cost (over $1000, usually not covered by insurance). I’m planning to go through with it as soon as I work out a good time to do the testing, even though I could probably be diagnosed more cheaply elsewhere, because I doubt and second-guess my symptoms a lot and think I might feel more confident in my diagnosis if I go to someone who specializes in this stuff.

    4. the roundabout way*

      I ended up being screened in a really roundabout way — I complained to my PCP about not being able to follow conversations, so she sent me to an audiologist for testing. They did hearing tests and they said my hearing is great, but did recommend getting looked at for attention-related issues. Then back to the PCP who sent me to a psychiatrist who basically diagnosed me immediately.

      There are some screeners that can be used for ADHD that you can show to your PCP for referral if they’re a bit hesitant. Some docs are probably more okay with referring than others, so YMMV.

  49. Quadra*

    Any one else super pessimistic about how long it’ll take low risk people, like myself, to get vaccinated? Obviously, it’s right that I’m in the last group, but I’m having trouble feeling any joy or anticipation that 2021 will be better for *me* and that I’ll be left out of friend and family gatherings as everyone else gets vaccinated.
    /rant

    1. Anon Lawyer*

      Well, keep in mind that, ideally, as more and more people get vaccinated, community spread will decrease. You might not be going to any concerts or movie theaters any time soon, but if all your family and friends are vaccinated before you it WILL be safer to attend those gatherings with them. I know this site skews towards the total isolation at all times side of things, but (while I am isolating now as cases rise and with the new variant on the loose), I don’t think we need to get spread to zero before we open up certain activities or see friends and family more than we are.

      1. Millicent*

        I believe it is incorrect to say that “community spread will decrease” as people get vaccinated. At least in the U.S., the vaccines available do not definitively prevent Covid-19- vaccinated people from spreading the virus – the vaccine just makes them less likely to develop symptoms or to have less serious symptoms.

        The CDC FAQ page for questions about the vaccine says, “We also don’t yet know whether getting a COVID-19 vaccine will prevent you from spreading the virus that causes COVID-19 to other people, even if you don’t get sick yourself.”

        1. Anon Lawyer*

          That’s not something we know yet. We know it prevents people from showing symptoms. It may also prevent spread. That’s what the CDC link says. Even if it doesn’t completely block transmission, if it lowers viral load it will also slow transmission even if it won’t totally prevent. It’s possible community spread won’t slow until literally everyone’s vaccinated but seems a little alarmist to assume that worst case scenario is definitely true.

      2. Double A*

        I’m setting very low expectations and basically expecting to be vaccinated sometime next fall. So if it happens sooner, I’ll be happy.

    2. BuildMeUp*

      Yeah, the vaccine approval was so exciting, and now once again not knowing when things will change has been really hard for me.

      I think it’s hard to say right now how long it will end up taking, because I think there will be a lot of changes re: the vaccine rollout starting soon. Hopefully things will start to move faster for everyone!

    3. Courageous cat*

      I mean, anyone I know who gets vaccinated is someone I can spend time around going forward, right? Or at least more time. So my parents just got vaccinated and it sucks that I didn’t, but once they’ve had their second shot, I can theoretically visit them and feel a lot more at peace (probably will still take a covid test first just in case). So I would look at it from that angle.

      And yeah, the more people who get vaccinated, the better for you, and me.

      1. Pumpa Rumpa*

        More research needs to be done, but there’s a possibility that those who are fully vaccinated may still be able to spread the disease without getting sick themselves. So you would likely still need to wear a mask around your parents to protect yourself until you’re vaccinated.

        1. Quint*

          Masks protect others, not the wearer (though there is a possibility that masks offer some level of protection to the wearer).

        2. Courageous cat*

          This is good to know – I am just learning this for the first time in this thread. I am so perplexed by this vaccine, I thought the idea for vaccines in general was was once you had the shot, you can’t get it. It seems like this is more… you get it, but don’t suffer from it? So weird to me (obviously not a scientist by any stretch here)

          1. allathian*

            It really depends on the virus or bacteria that’s causing the disease. With some viruses, if you get the vaccine, you get a lifetime immunity (measles), but with others, you need a booster shot every now and again (polio every ten years, influenza every year because the strains mutate so quickly). The influenza vaccine doesn’t prevent infection completely, but it’ll decrease the risk of complications or a serious illness requiring hospitalization.

            They have discovered at least three new mutations of the COVID virus in the UK, South Africa, and Brazil. They don’t apparently cause a more serious illness but they are even more contagious than the Chinese original strain. So far, the vaccines developed to prevent the first strain seem to be giving an immunity to the UK and SA strains at least.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have done production/assembly line work a different points in my life.

      When a line is started it takes a bit of doing to get the line “filled up”.
      It’s a similar idea with a distribution systems, new processes have a learning curve. As more vaccine becomes available, the distribution will also sharpen how they are handling things and everything will pick up speed.

      People tend to think production or distribution is a straight line, when it is actually like a curve. I had a task where a group needed to produce 10k units per day. They had 10 days to come up with 100k completed units.
      In 10 days they did 120k units. How did this happen?

      Day 1: People at the start of the process were super busy. People waiting to do the final step were not that busy. We did 3000 units.

      Day 2: People are starting to get in the swing of things. There is in-process work piled up ready for people at step 2, and at the final step when people walk in, in the morning. This makes a huge difference.
      We did 7000 units.

      Peach. It took TWO days to do one day’s targeted number of 10k.

      Day 8: By then everyone was used to the project and they were rolling. I mean rolling. They did 14k units.

      Day 9: We completed the project and over ran it by 20k units. Whoops.

      Day 10: Our project was completed yesterday and we were cleaning up.

      Remember that along every inch from production to distribution there are people who are chomping at the bit to get this out to the public and save lives. These folks are on fire. They are going to do their darnest to reduce hurdles and smooth the flow of raw materials and the distribution of completed vaccines.

      1. Blackcat*

        “People tend to think production or distribution is a straight line, when it is actually like a curve.”
        Yeah, I’ve heard someone say many public health roll outs follow a “hockey stick” curve. That is, it’s very slow at the start, then goes way up fast.

        I’m pretty confident that I’ll be done with my shots by August or September.

    5. BRR*

      Not me. We knew all along it would take time (and likely more time than any estimates). I’d much prefer having a light at the end of the tunnel than to be in complete darkness. And since there’s no evidence yet showing the vaccines prevent transmission to others, I’m trying to remind people in my life that they need to be careful to protect others still.

    6. Venus*

      The vaccines are only 90-95% effective! So if you have vulnerable people meeting up while there is still community spread then that is still a big risk for them individually. Over time the community spread dwindles a lot, and then we can all meet up again.

    7. Girasol*

      Being older, I’ll be in line ahead of you but I’ll still be stuck in isolation. My husband hasn’t enough immune system to mount a response to vaccine of any kind, and since they don’t know yet if the vaccine prevents spread, I can’t risk contact even if the vaccine keeps me pretty safe. But I take heart from the news that Biden plans to invoke the War Powers act to try to press more manufacturers into making vaccine. And it seems likely that after all the confusion and delay of this first round of vaccination, states will begin to iron the wrinkles out of their processes and start delivering it to large numbers of people faster. With any luck this slow moving line will start to speed up, and epidemiologists will be able to ascertain soon that the vaccine does indeed prevent spread (I can’t wait to hear that good news!) and we can hope for herd immunity via vaccination sooner rather than later.

    8. LGC*

      If it makes you feel better: I’m “moderate” risk. (Healthy, active guy in his 30s, works in a warehousing-adjacent job.) I’ll probably end up getting jabbed in the spring or summer. And even after I get the jab, I don’t see that I’ll be rushing out willy-nilly like I used to. I don’t know if I ever do see myself doing that again, to be honest – over the past year, I’ve learned way too much about people to trust most Americans. (And I include myself in “most Americans,” to be honest.)

      I don’t think that we’ll be back to “normal” this year. I’ve honestly stopped thinking of what I was doing in February last year as “normal.” (Like, I used to sit in RESTAURANTS and sometimes even BARS breathing all over other people. I used to stand shoulder to shoulder with strangers outside and even on trains. Gross.) I don’t think the vaccine is a panacea that’ll immediately make everything okay, and even after I get vaccinated and even after the pandemic is declared over, I’ll probably still be wearing masks everywhere I go.

    9. KR*

      I’m pessimistic. I have military health care and dependents seem to be last on the list if they don’t have pre -existing conditions (mission readiness and all). I’m a utility worker so I was higher on the list for the county but recently found out I need to leave my job in a few months so I probably won’t be a utility worker when the vaccine is available to them. And of course I understand that I’m lucky enough not to need the vaccine and be able to survive COVID if I get it, and I’m grateful for that, but I don’t have much faith in the military to get this out to dependents in a timely or efficient manner.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Eh. I fall under 1A in my states vaccine priority list due to specific underlying health conditions but it’s impossible to get an appointment. I doubt I will get it until March :-/

    11. Quoth the Raven*

      Absolutely pessimistic. My government has consistently handled the pandemic terribly, and the vaccination roll out doesn’t seem to be the exception. They’re expecting to start vaccinating the general population around April or May, and the people in my age group (people under 40, regardless of risk factors) in August at the earliest, if everything is going according to plan (which, knowing them, will not) and spread it out to April or May of next year. I don’t expect to get vaccinated until well into next year, and I don’t see myself leaving isolation this year either, especially because the roll out will be very slow. I know it’s still unknown if people who are vaccinated can spread the virus or not, but because I live with my parents who are both over 65, and I have a heart block, I’d rather not take the risk of finding out.

    12. Sylvan*

      I feel you. I find some encouragement in being considered Officially Low-Risk.

      Also, the vaccine rollout plan will change as more vaccines become available. My area’s already vaccinating the first and second group together instead of the first group alone. I bet we’ll be vaccinated this spring.

    13. Person from the Resume*

      I got excited and optimistic when my 70+ parents got their first shot last week and the appointment for their second shot, but now I hear that the large healthcare system that they used and my normal provider didn’t get a batch of first doses and is cancelling some elderly people’s first appointments this week.

      Then I’m against Biden’ s plan to not hold back second doses concern me. Also heard that it turns out there isn’t even that second dose supply on hold.

      Now I’m back to thinking it’s optimistic that I’m vaccinated by June.

      OTOH I about 9 months ago I worried that people who had survived COVID might be the only ones allowed to do certain things with those not exposed having to abide by restrictions. But that hadn’t occurred (partially b/c science haven’t proved that that confers immunity.

    14. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      The government here is too busy doing who knows what to get things moving efficiently, so I think I’ll be lucky if I get it this year.

  50. Generic Name*

    Another hair care question. I’d like to know what products others with my hair type use. I have straight hair that is smooth and shiny. It’s not super thick, but It’s not thin either. It has some body to it, but it resolutely refuses to hold any curl whatsoever. I’ve been using mousse for years, but lately when I look to buy some, there’s not much available, and it all says “for curly hair”. Not like I think products for curly hair will hurt my hair or whatever, but I would like to work with my hair’s natural texture. I’m wondering if there are products out there that might be better for my hair, and I don’t want to stubbornly cling to outdated hair products like my mom does. (Her hair looks very dry but she refuses to use conditioner because when she tried it once in the 1960s it made her hair greasy)

    1. Enough*

      No recommendations but would suggest you experiment. Just because the bottle says something doesn’t mean it will or won’t work.
      Just did a quick search. Check out byrdiedotcom why use mousse in hair?

    2. ThatGirl*

      What are you looking for a product to do? My hair sounds similar to yours; it’s pretty straight and I have a fair amount of it but it’s not thick. I use a post-shower leave in (like Sleek & Shine) to reduce frizz and then blow dry. It’s fairly short so I style with a little hair paste. Mousse never did much for me.

      1. Generic Name*

        Good question. I want a product to reduce a minor frizz and flyaways. I’ve tried going without anything (same with not washing every day) and my hair feels staticky and kind of fuzzy? with nothing in it. I normally blow dry it.

        1. ThatGirl*

          Then I would recommend a leave in product, there are plenty marketed toward reducing frizz and flyaway and they help protect your hair from heat damage. Sleek & shine is good, or something with coconut or argan oil. Just a tiny bit rubbed through your hair after you towel off. Use a wide tooth comb to distribute, then blowdry.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I feel like mousse is kinda an outdated product and makes hair stiff. For flyaways and wispiness, you might be happier with a hairdresser’s oil, a drop or two on your hands than through your hair. Bumble and bumble brand invisible oil is well regarded.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yeah, that’s the feeling I got when I simply couldn’t find it last time I was at the store. Better get with the times! :)

      2. Dwight Schrute*

        The reason mousse makes hair feel stiff is because it’s supposed to form a cast for curly hair. Once your hair is fully dry you’re supposed to scrunch out any crunch and then it isn’t stiff any more and you’re left with soft curls

        1. Generic Name*

          Ah ha!! That makes so much sense. But I think a lot of people, especially in the 80s didn’t do the second step because I remember a lot of crunchy curls.

          1. Dwight Schrute*

            Oh yeah! I didn’t do that step until a few years ago and was like OH this makes much more sense now

    4. Claire*

      I have hair that sounds pretty similar. I mostly use Aveda’s Phomollient styling foam after washing and before blow drying, to give it some hold. It’s lightweight, not sticky, doesn’t weigh the hair down or make it stiff or crunchy, and smells fabulous. My hair is quite short so I don’t use much and a bottle lasts me ages.

    5. DistantAudacity*

      I use Aveda’s Smooth Infusion creme, a light-weight cream to keep my hair nice and together (no frizz), and reasonably protected. I really like this one, due to the lack of stickiness etc. (this is where I notice quality differences, and am willing to pay a little extra for). I also have a light-weight oil that I use sometimes. Am also super-pleased with EVO
      Love Touch Shine Spray.

      You might also consider the occasional hair mask – I usually grab a supermarket-type that is hydrating. They are usually 3-5 mins these days (or longer, if you want!). My hair has gotten drier over time, and needs this now.

      1. DistantAudacity*

        Oh – I’ve switched to Aveda Damage Remedy. Similar effect, but more oomf for coloured hair.

    6. Generic Name*

      Thanks for the tips everyone! I was able to find a styling creme that said is for straight hair, so we’ll see what it does. :)

  51. More Coffee Please*

    I think my boyfriend of 4 years and I are finally broken up for good. There were real reasons it wasn’t going well, but that doesn’t make the first day “alone” any easier. Every one of my limbs feels so heavy, and I find myself crying, stopping, then crying some more. I’m very grateful my roommate is gone for the long weekend. I know time heals all wounds, but does anyone have any advice to get through the first few days and weeks? I would love to hear some advice or stories about how other people’s lives got better after a painful breakup.

    1. Courageous cat*

      Oh man, when my ex and I broke up when it was a situation where it wasn’t going well but I was still sad, I was a MESS for days.

      Then I got on Tinder after about a week and was like wait holy crap I didn’t even like my ex anymore at that point, why am I so sad, dating anyone else will be so much better.

      This is a tongue-in-cheek answer but “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone” springs to mind. Haha.

      1. Sabine the Very Mean*

        Swiping and waiting for communication is quite healing on its own. I did this after my beloved of 5 years left in the night for another woman. Devastating. Swiping on strangers was so helpful. And I met Mr. Right.

        1. Purple Penguin*

          I also found a lot of solace (and distraction) in swiping on the dating apps after a horrible breakup with a long term partner. It was great to leave my heartbroken identity behind, even for just a few minutes. There are plenty of apps to choose from.

          If you’re into writing or journaling, I’d also recommend “Write Him Off: Journal Prompts to Heal Your Broken Heart in 30 Days.” It’s geared toward women of cis-het relationships, but I found it to be widely applicable beyond a cis-het framework. The book is divided into two parts: 15 prompts about your ex and the past relationship, and 15 that focuses on you and your future. Writing it all out allowed me to process the wild mix of feelings that arose in the aftermath of the breakup.

    2. My story*

      Be kind to yourself. My last breakup, I had so many varied and shifting feelings, and I couldn’t separate them to determine what they all meant. Then when I could identify one of the feelings as relief, I knew I was making some progress. Looking back, I can see it would never have worked out (really, what was I thinking?). I’m not sorry it all happened because it got me to here, and I’m happy to be here, but it was really tough for a while.

    3. Dan*

      Honestly? Be happy it was actually bad enough to “not work out.” While that may seem like a bunch of gibberish, I’ve met many, many people who got “stuck” (for one reason or another) in a less than satisfying relationship, and wouldn’t leave.

      Being “alone” is better than being in a relationship that isn’t working.

      When I left my ex, a lot of people told me they were sorry to hear that it got that bad. I said, “don’t be sorry, the crazy just made it so much easier to leave. Otherwise, I could have/would have gotten stuck in a relationship that wasn’t satisfying, but not ‘bad enough’ to leave.”

    4. nep*

      There is no sting quite like it, even if a relationship was not going well.
      I know it helped me to take care of myself–exercising, eating well. It just helped overall as I processed things and let time do its work. Different for everyone, though, I reckon.
      Truly, though, best to let yourself go there–cry, scream, grieve. And it sounds like you are.
      One line I once heard from Gangaji that I really like–different context, but it can apply to anything, really: ‘The way to recognise what is untouched by the mess is to go directly into the mess.’
      Peace

    5. Christina*

      Oof. You have all my sympathy. Last January I ended things with my partner of 18 years (I had been with him my entire adult life) because I just realized this was never going to be what I wanted and what I wanted had changed so much from when we started.

      (Apologies that this turned into a novel!)

      For a variety of reasons, he only end up moving out right before the holidays (I was out of town and came back to all his stuff gone). It was a very strange year, and even though this was what I wanted, I was having a really hard time after he left. I think this year more than any other made ending a relationship hard. I was thinking at the beginning of last year that I could spend the year focusing on new activities and relationships (not necessarily romantic), go out with friends, keep myself busy. But after he left, I basically couldn’t do anything but sit at home by myself (working remotely, no family nearby, friends also taking covid seriously) and spend the holidays alone for the first time in my life.

      The things I found that helped:
      – keeping as busy as possible. Weekends were the worst because I wasn’t busy with work and there was only so much I could cook or clean. But try to plan activities outside the house, go for a long drive, go for a walk
      – make your space yours. I threw out every piece of furniture in the office that he used, bought a new comfy chair for myself, and turned the room into an office/yoga space. Started sleeping on the other side of the bed, sitting on the other side of the couch, eating on the other side of the table, cooking (or ordering) just the food I want
      – stay active. Winter is super hard for me anyways, but I set a goal to walk or workout every day for at least 30 minutes (which, once I warm up, cool down, and shower, uses up at least an hour. See above about keeping busy)
      – try to talk (not text) someone every day. Work call, family call, friend, nice checkout person at the grocery store. Just smile and say hi to someone.
      – find a good friend to talk to. This was huge for me, both having a friend I could cry to and another friend I could say let’s talk about literally anything else. I also did long walks with these friends, which went along with keeping busy, being active, and talking to someone every day
      – knowing that even the really bad, sad, lonely moments will end. I cried for an hour on the floor thanksgiving morning missing my family and my friends, feeling like no one understood and felt miserable for two days. But I made myself a really nice meal, made myself get out of the house for a walk, then it was back to work and I was busy again and refocused
      – let yourself cry when you need to, and know you’re going to be sensitive. It took me a week to finally cry with a combination of feeling relieved and sad and lonely and happy and it would sneak up on me at unexpected moments.
      – called my EAP. I’ve never talked with a therapist before, but I just wanted someone to help me process things that I didn’t necessarily want to talk with family or friends about. I’m still a little meh on it, but I feel like I’m doing something

      The pain and confusion will fade, trust your own judgement. You did the right thing.

    6. I take tea*

      A good friend made me a CD (it’s that long ago) with power songs. It was very satisfying to belt along to I Will Survive and Cry Me a River. I sang and cried, and it felt a bit better.

      I also numbed the pain with wine, but I wouldn’t recommend it…

  52. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

    Dear Mrs Bird is one of my favourite reads of the last few years.

    Has anyone else read it? Any recommendations for similar books?

    1. Hello Hiccup*

      I loved Dear Mrs Bird too. A book which is similar (you might have seen the film) is Their Finest Hour and a Half by Lissa Evans and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society by Mary Ann Shaffer. Author-wise I think quite similar to Nina Stibbe and Angela Thirkell, and maybe Nancy Mitford.

      Let me know if you have any recommendations of similar books too!!

  53. Chaordic One*

    Opinions please. I’ve asked about weighted blankets before and about to splurge. After gaining the COVID 15, my weight is up to 165 (but I’m tall and carry it fairly well) so I’m thinking of going with a 15 lb queen-sized blanket that is 60″ x 80″. Does this lower-priced blanket from Target look like something that would work well?

    (link to follow)

    2. RagingADHD*

      As long as they are properly quilted to distribute the weight (which this one is), they all work the same.

      The price/quality difference is going to show up in durability, the feel of the materials, whether it has a cover, and so forth. None of that will change how it affects your sleep.

      Target normally has reasonably sturdy stuff, not cheap things that fall apart right away. So I’m sure it will be fine.

    3. nep*

      Just chiming in to say I love my weighted blanket and I’m so glad I got it several months back. It was a godsend during an illness. Hope it works out well for you.

    4. LGC*

      No suggestions, but I didn’t realize that your own weight matters for choosing a weighted blanket!

      1. Chaordic One*

        The general recommendation seems to be that your blanket should weigh 1 pound for every 10 pounds of your personal weight, but there are people who say that they feel better using blankets that either weigh less or that are heavier. I’m going to go with the general recommendation and see how it goes.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I think this is most relevant for kids, as they are often recommended by therapists who work with neurodivergent kids.

        It’s just a general guideline, so you don’t squish a 5-year-old with a 20 lb blanket, for example.

        1. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

          My kids have both had weighted blankets and the weight was based on their bodyweight.

          I didn’t realise you could buy them “off the shelf” at a supermarket. We had to get them from an occupational therapist.

          I’m not in the US as you might have guessed.

          1. RagingADHD*

            Its a fairly recent thing. I started seeing them on Amazon within the last 4-5 years, and at big box retailers within the last 2 years. I didn’t even know Target carried them until this post.

            Before that, it was either a custom maker or through an OT. I think they just weren’t widely known, so there wasn’t demand.

          2. allathian*

            The lightest weight blankets I’ve seen in stores weigh about 5 kg / 11 lbs, which would be too heavy for a 5-year-old kid.

    5. Effie*

      I have to say that I splurged on a Shelter.co weighted blanket and I don’t regret it in the least! They’re hand crocheted so you don’t have to worry about the beads shifting and I like the tactile feeling of the knots.

    6. Dwight Schrute*

      15 pounds sounds so light to me! I’ve got a 20 pound full size blanket and a 30 or 35 pound king size blanket. I LOVE them. The summer sucks because I have to sleep with a light quilt on my bed and can’t do my beloved weighted blankets

      1. Chaordic One*

        I’ve seen some weighted blankets that are specifically listed as being “cooling blankets.” Maybe something like that?

  54. Goose*

    My new place has a huge balcony and I want to build my kitty a catio! Has anyone done this? I started googling ideas but I’d love to hear from someone who’s actually done it

    1. Dog and cat fosterer*

      I haven’t, but know many people who have. Do you have a specific question? My one bit of advice for balconies was that someone had trouble finding local help but then asked if anyone could pigeon-proof a balcony and they got piles of options. Keeping pigeons out == keeping cats in!

      1. Goose*

        I guess general dos & don’ts? Wheels, not wheels? Better to DIY or find someone to help build? How to tell if my cat will actually like it before I invest in one?

        1. Cat and dog fosterer*

          The ones I know of were built in place around the balcony, so the humans could hang out with the cat. Essentially a screened-in porch. You could do a small one for your cat (I’m guessing this based on your comment about wheels), but in that case you might look at cloth / foldable cat playpens (designed for kittens but work well for lazy cats).

          Some were built DIY and others not, but that depended more on the individual.

          If your cat is stuck to the screen when you open a window then they would likely enjoy a catio. If they wander away then it may not be their thing. Does that help?

    2. WS*

      The cat needs to be able to go in and out at will or they’ll think it’s kitty jail and avoid it. There’s lots of ways to install a cat door in your door or window without having to make changes to your door (sliding doors can have an insert, swinging doors can have an extra outside door added). They should have something to climb and somewhere comfy to sleep. If they can’t go in and out at will they’ll need a litterbox and water, but it’s much easier to just attach the catio to your door or window so they can use their regular ones.

    3. lapgiraffe*

      I don’t know exactly what a catio fully entails but make sure to check with your building’s bylaws to make sure you can have something like that. I know at my old place we couldn’t, for instance, hang even a towel over the edge, definitely no drying laundry, and they went after people who’s patio looked more like a storage space than a leisure space, ie storing multiple bikes and stacked furniture snd just junky looking. We could do very basic Christmas lights but only from thanksgiving to New Years. I once got a talking to for having my planters (a very cool overhang design) still up in November even though they weren’t filled with dead plants, I just had a busy fall and hadn’t stored them yet.

    4. allathian*

      Our next-door neighbor has a catio on her patio. It’s essentially a cage built out of chicken wire with a climbing tree inside it. When it’s warm enough, her cats climb in and out of it through an open window.

  55. Filosofickle*

    I tried installing a bidet and did some damage.

    The process of hooking things up wasn’t hard, but it leaked. So I redid everything, tightened everything, and tried the 3 different t-adaptors I had — a simple plastic and simple metal one came with it, and I purchased their upgrade of a fancier metal one with a shutoff. Everything leaked. I uninstalled and put back together the original setup. Hella leaking. Called my landlord to send someone so I don’t make anything worse. I’m generally handy but plumbing is not something I know.

    Pretty sure I’ve broken everything by overtightening and cross-threading. I’ve definitely busted the plastic nut that connects the water hose to the tank, and stripped the threads on the plastic piece that goes into the toilet tank. Possibly by mixing metal and plastic, possibly the excessive threading and mis-threading, possibly by sheer force.

    Should I try again after I have fresh parts now that I know not to tighten so hard? Give up on a bidet attachment? Hire a plumber to install the bidet?

    1. A313*

      Fresh parts, yes, and probably a plumber. If you still want to DIY, you can also try Teflon tape, Google it for some information/help. Good luck!

    2. The teapots are on fire*

      Ask the landlord if you can pay the repair person to install it. Make your life simple.

    4. Elf*

      Teflon tape, and watch at least two youtube videos at least a couple times each. I haven’t done the bidet, but I replaced all the pipes under my kitchen sink on zero experience, it’s doable.

    5. Filosofickle*

      OK! Plumber came and replaced the two broken parts — I was right about both. It sounds dumb, but I am embarrassed that I broke it so I didn’t tell him what I did or ask if he would install the bidet. (Even though it would have taken 5 minutes.) I just let him fix it and didn’t explain. So I’m back to square 1. Not sure what my next move is yet.

  56. LGC*

    So…has anyone else done anything that they feel is weirdly optimistic?

    I ended up signing up for the NYC Virtual Half Marathon…and choosing the guaranteed entry tier for 2022. (There were three tiers – one that was free, one that just gave you race souvenirs, and one that came with guaranteed entry for the 2022 race if it happens.) Something tells me that the 2022 race won’t happen just based on how things are in the US right now, but…I’m allowing myself to hope that it might.

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’ve arranged to hire a guide for a backpacking trip in September, far from where I live. I’m hoping that I and all involved will have been vaccinated by then, and that travel in general will be safer. We’ll see.

      1. LGC*

        Hopefully!

        I’m pretty optimistic on the availability of vaccines – partly based off of the (eventual, anyway) availability of testing, at least in my area. So I think that it should be somewhat safer by September. I’m still really worried about how many people will get vaccinated – but it feels like in my real life I should be less worried, since the vast majority of the people I’ve talked to are pretty open to getting the shot.

  57. Not Miles Morales*

    Ok y’all… how many spiders in the house are too many spiders?

    Everyone might have a different level of comfort, but I’m trying to tell if we’re being invaded or I’m just very scared of spiders (both??)

    We moved into a new rental and it’s an old house, so cracks abound I’m sure. We’ve added door sweeps and put down sticky traps, but it seems to do nothing for one particular spider that keeps appearing…the yellow sac spider. I wouldn’t be so nervous if I didn’t read that the bite can be like a brown recluse bite (depending on your reaction.)

    We find at least one or two of these spiders every other day. Especially our bedroom, and we cannot figure out where they’re coming from. We sprayed the house with the “professional” bug spray you can get at Lowe’s, put filters over the air vents in case they come from there, and yet at least every other day, we find a new, large, yellow sac spider.

    I read that they come in when it’s cold, or looking for food, and we have no other pests. We did have fungus gnats, but those have been taken care of. Now I think they’re just coming in to hang out, rent-free.

    Is this a normal amount of spiders in an old house? I’ve started to become paranoid, waking up in the middle of the night to look if there’s one above me on the ceiling (it’s happened twice now.) I know spiders are not evil but I cannot bring myself to like them…

    1. Might Be Spam*

      I hate spiders too. I spray Ortho Home Pest Control on the baseboards and edges of the ceiling. It lasts up to 6 weeks and once it dries it’s safe for kids and pets. I only need to use it twice a year. Once in early spring when critters are looking for new homes and in fall before they start coming inside to keep warm.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      1) My google-fu indicates that it’s got nothing to do with the yellow sac spider at all, and everything to do with proper care of bite wounds. Go to the doctor after a bite and don’t skip your antibiotics and you’ll be fine. Most of the more common (american) house spiders aren’t particularly bitey, so as long as you don’t have one in your hand that you’re constantly poking or something similar, you’re likely going to be safe.

      2) It sounds like they’ve set up a breeding population, which suggests that there’s something in there that maybe you haven’t found yet. It might be worthwhile to get an expert in there just to be sure that there’s nothing else living in the house. You really, really don’t want to discover silverfish new york under the bathtub in a few years time because all the spiders got removed.

      3) If it makes you feel better, for a solid five years (before my mom got all the doors in the house sealed properly) there were dark fishing spiders that would break into the house overnight through April-May, so we’d wake up at six AM and there’d just be a junto of them just hanging out inside the downstairs toilets. I cannot tell you what they were doing, although I personally think it was a mating season thing.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The website I looked at said to make sure to pull vegetation and debris away from the outside of the house. This makes sense as they probably come in from the outside. This is interesting to me, because I had other reasons I had to do this- drainage, mice, rats…. sigh….
      So you aren’t wasting your time if cleaning up outside is a bigger-than-should-be project. It will help with many things.

      Since you are finding the most in your bedroom, start with the area outside your bedroom. The site said to fill cracks with caulk. You might be able to use handy foam on the larger cracks.

      You can also google what the nest- egg sack- looks like so you can destroy those as you go along.

      Is it normal? In my opinion, yeah, old houses get tenants… not always the human kind. On the good news side, cleaning up for one pest helps you to avoid many other types of pests.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I have lived in a number of old houses, and 1-2 venomous spiders every day is WAY too many spiders.

      I would be on the phone telling the landlord to get an exterminator out there like, yesterday – or I will call them myself and send them the bill.

      Homeowners may have different levels of wildlife they’re willing to tolerate, but as a tenant it would be unacceptable for your landlord to neglect something that would require medical treatment! It’s a basic safety issue.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        I agree with this. I’ve lived in many old houses in the SEUS, have made friends with the spider who lives behind my sink, and will happily toss bugs out my backdoor on a regular basis, but that’s too much. The only time anyone in my family was finding that many spiders on a regular basis was when an exterminator discovered that brown recluses had colonized their attic.

    6. Belle*

      That is too many. It sounds like the landlord needs to set up a professional spraying AND have the house inspected for entry points to caulk/repair. Both are important to get rid of the problem.

    7. Dwight Schrute*

      That’s too many. I’ve lived in rentals of various ages almost my entire adult life and I don’t recall ever seeing that many spiders a day and I’ve lived in different states and areas. I’d be calling pest control!

    9. Seeking Second Childhood”*

      I have patience with spiders…but not biters.
      I can attest to the bite reaction getting worse after repeated exposure. I was a kid though, so I’m not sure how to combat them beyond the obvious making sure intentional air vents are finely screened and cracks filled.
      As an FYI to UK, these are relatively new to the UScand are only in some places. I grew up seeing and getting bit by them visiting family on east end of Long Island. But they haven’t shown up where i am now —across a body of water and under 50 miles away.

    10. Squidhead*

      Chiming in late but our old house has these spiders too. They seem to increase/decrease seasonally (maybe you’re in an upswing?) I agree that I never see them make a web in the house, they just hang around. I pick them up bare-handed and put them outside and I have never once been bitten. (I only do this when they are in a spot that I worry will harm them, like the sink.) I, personally and with pets in the home, would choose spiders over poisons. Ymmv of course, but I think getting bitten is unlikely if that’s your main concern.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      I get a few of about three common species in my house. They generally stay hidden in corners, although I did have a garden spider living in the window above a houseplant all year. They don’t bother me, so I kind of think of them as pets. Anytime one gets trapped in the bathtub I have to evict it for my husband, though.

  58. Llama face!*

    I know it’s late in the day but maybe some of you will still be around. Heads-up it’s COVID talk.

    For people who have friends and family who are slipping down the conspiracy theory/bad science/covidiot slope and who keep sharing their bad links and info in family group settings, how, tell me, how do you not get sucked into useless arguments about it?
    It is in a setting that is my primary link to any family contact at all and they won’t agree to not bring up the subject. My self control is only so good at not engaging and so I get sucked in. It is an exercuse in futility. And I’m the odd one out since every other family member has apparently lost their ability to use critical thinking skills.

    2. RagingADHD*

      I would just keep repeating that they are lies with no basis in science, and spreading them is irresponsible.

      Not arguing, a flat statement, rinse and repeat.

      1. nep*

        Agree. Not an argument–stating facts. The end.
        I haven’t spoken to my sister-in-law since a stupid COVID stunt in May. I am glad I have no need to speak with the COVID deniers in my family. It would be rough if I had to be in contact w them regularly; I feel for you.

        1. nep*

          (I’m now seeing–you mean the contact is online? Is there a need to engage about it at all then?)

          1. Llama face!*

            I try not to engage but then I look at the stupid thing they link and get sucked into replying to it. Totally should just not engage but having a hard time just ignoring the cape-waving matador if you get my drift. So I was hoping people had tricks or tips on how to avoid engaging.

            2. Always Late to the Party*

              It sounds like the first step may be getting yourself not to click the links they post, since that’s what’s triggering your need to respond.

              When someone posts a link, take a deep breath and think “is it more important for me to know what this says, or to maintain a peaceful relationship with my loved ones?”

              If you forget and click anyway, try the deep breath and feel compelled to response and think “is it more important for me to correct this, or to maintain a peaceful relationship with my loved ones?”

              If you get sucked into conversation…try to have compassion for them but most importantly for yourself. Try to see disengaging from these arguments as a form of self-care/self-love.

              I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

        2. Llama face!*

          Yes it’s online. This is my immediate family who I’ve always been quite close with. I also don’t have a lot of other close relationships. So I am not wanting to end the contact with my family, as frustrating as they are being lately.

    3. LGC*

      Mute the group.

      Seriously, it just sounds totally unpleasant. Yeah, it’s your primary contact point, but they insist on discussing things that greatly upset you (oh, and it’s actively dangerous to not only them, but their communities and you). You argue with them and feel bad afterwards. While normally, I’d say to engage with people who are endangering our communities…it doesn’t seem like it’s working.

      If you can, engage with them in other ways. But it sounds like you’ve tried to engage with the group in a healthy manner, but that’s not possible.

      1. Llama face!*

        This is my closest immediate family and pretty much everything we do together is through this means (it’s not just COVID talk). So I can’t mute them or that is my entire family gone.

        1. LGC*

          Well, I don’t mean to leave the group. I meant that you should turn off notifications that you get from it (which…okay, it sounds like you might not want to do that either), and check in on a limited basis.

          (You can leave any notifications on and just not check them frequently, but it’s harder to do that – at least, that’s what I’ve found.)

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I have not spoken to my parents for several weeks now because I am sick of being called ignorant, stupid, etc. Well, that’s not quite true– I will speak briefly to my mother. But my stepfather’s default position is that I’m a complete idiot, so… no. It’s just gotten worse lately. I live in DC and no amount of telling them what things are really like here will convince them. (The man argued with me when I told him no one was rioting in my neighborhood. He said he heard there was looting and shooting all up and down my street and he refused to concede. MY STREET. WHERE I LIVED.)

      I know it’s hard, but you may need to just take a break. Text or call your other family members at different times. But you’re not going to change them and they’re not going to stop, so you have to mitigate your own frustration.

    5. Colette*

      “This is fake.” “This isn’t true.” “This has been widely discredited.” “No credible sources agree with this.”

      And then don’t debate the content of what they’re talking about.

      But also, if they hound you about it, walk away. That doesn’t mean you can never go back – but if every time they harass you about some lie they believe, you end the session and do something else for at least a few days, they have to choose between having contact with you and spreading their lies.

    6. WS*

      If you want to keep talking to these people, you need to practice letting stupid things go. The more you respond the more they’ll want to poke you. Don’t follow links, don’t argue with anyone unless it’s something personally involving your health/safety (we’re going to throw a big party then visit Llama face! without quarantining!!! would be an example). If you can’t control your need to follow the links, wait for the page to load fully then switch off your internet connection (or go airplane mode if you’re on mobile). Read, rage, and only then switch the internet back on.

    7. Dear liza dear liza*

      If you’re trying to change their minds, disinformation and cult deprogramming experts recommend going at it from a common ground angle. I know you’re concerned about privacy,I am too- could be a way to redirect a story about vaccines and microchips. What are other ways we can advocate for privacy?

      A Socratic method can help them question things. How did you find that story? How does Google/Reddit/etc work? Conspiracies happen, but they tend to follow certain steps. Is this story rolling that path? Why not? Turn the “do your research” around.

      Both these approaches work better in a real time conversation than over social media.

      Telling them is fake or wrong, or linking to a fact check site or mainstream media site virtually never works. But man, it’s really hard not to!

      1. Llama face!*

        Yeah, I think I’ve fallen into the refuting trap a few too many times. It is really difficult when the source is egregiously lying about facts or totally illogical. And I’m used to my parents especially being wiser and questioning things instead of being the garbage post spreaders! They were not always like this. So I have to reframe my expectations of them and that is really mind bending.

    8. Llama face!*

      Thanks everyone who replied! Definitely some helpful advice here and I’ll take it to heart. I think especially that delaying my response, questioning what I want to accomplish (and what will actually be helpful in doing that), and being really clear with myself about my limits and my priorities in these interactions will all make a big difference.

  59. Lana Raptor*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread.

    Other commenters: Please do not reply to off-topic comments that you know will be removed with things like, “This will likely be removed, but meanwhile here’s some advice…” That encourages people to ignore the rules, and it also means more work for me to clean up. Thank you. – Alison

  60. Ali*

    Has anyone had rotator cuff tendonitis/a rotator cuff tear/an impinged shoulder? How did you fix it? I have big shoulder problems – I went to PT over the summer, and have been doing the exercises, but it’s just getting worse. The past month has been super-bad. Am in constant pain and my left arm is really restricted in its movement range. I’m seeing the doctor on Tuesday, but I don’t have the greatest faith in them, and I would love to hear some shoulder success stories!

    1. nep*

      I’ve never been diagnosed because never had shoulder pain looked at. Only thing that resolved it was time/rest. There’s so much going on in the shoulder joint. I hope you will find relief.
      I really like quirky, corny, but competent YouTube PTs Bob & Brad. They actually have a lot of helpful tips and exercises for various joints, including the shoulder. Not sure whether any of it will resonate / help–just putting that out there as I’m on their mailing list and I’ve seen them do a lot on the shoulder.

      1. Ali*

        Yes, I have already found them! I have been following their advice about how to sleep, and am meaning to try out some of the shoulder stretching exercises.

    2. Colette*

      I haven’t had shoulder issues, but if you’re doing your PT exercises and it’s getting worse, it’s time to stop the exercises and go back to PT. It’s also OK to change physiotherapists if the one you got wasn’t working for you. (The clinic I usually go to will let you change to a different physiotherapist on staff without doing a new assessment.)

      1. Ali*

        Unfortunately I am in a high-rate Covid area, and don’t feel safe going in person, esp after my PT in the summer talked about how he was eating inside in a restaurant and felt perfectly safe doing it. I need to find something to tide me over until PT is safe again. (Or just attend via Zoom I guess.)

        1. Colette*

          My PT was doing zoom sessions, it’s worth checking to see if that’s an option. But at a minimum, stop the exercises if you can.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I went to a chiro and had nutrition targeting my problems. I think yours sound worse than mine were though.

      I did find temporary relief with a TENS unit. Tricky part: Some times putting the pads on the pain makes it way worse. But if you put the pads to either side of the pain it’s no problem and it can actually help lessen the pain.

      1. Ali*

        Wow I have never even heard of a TENS unit! Did you use it on your shoulder?

        And if you are willing to share I would be interested to know what the nutrition problems were (although I am working with a nutritionist right now for weight loss, so I think any super-bad habits would have come to light.)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh yeah, I used it on my shoulder, you bet! But I should caution that I don’t think my problems were as complex as yours. I did have to put it on either side of the pain, I could not put it directly on the pain as it hurt too much. When the pads were off to the sides, I had no discomfort. In the end that did not matter because it was very helpful that way, too. I also had excellent luck with it cutting down on carpal tunnel pain. I have used it for hip pain, neck pain… today I might pull it out for my tennis elbow. (Yeah, I’m 60 can you tell? ha!)
          It’s worth putting time in to get a nice unit. Mine has 4 pads and is wired. It was actually my husband’s initially and his PT recommended the brand and model. Unfortunately, that TENS company is out of business now.
          So you can get this thing for your shoulder and it isn’t cheap, but then you can reuse it for other things that come up later on. Mine has been going strong for 16 years. I had to get new batteries, new pads and new wires over those years.
          Don’t loan it to anyone! My friend loaned hers and never saw it again. Yeah, it’s that helpful.

          Nutrition. You’d have to talk to a pro about your setting, because everyone has different considerations. So in general terms what I needed was calcium plus other minerals. I went through a point where I had to add in Vit D to assist the calcuim absorption. I also started working with collagen as a powder that i put into a glass of water. THEN I learned that Vit. C helps with collagen absorption so that got added in.
          I am not doing this alone, I have a practitioner check me.

          I strongly recommend working with someone to make sure you are on the right path for your needs. What people say about taking too much of something is true. I have been doing this long enough to recognize the early symptoms such as tired/dragged/loggy. I get my dosage lowered and I bounce right back. I also can tell you in my own experience that quality vitamins from natural sources are the route to go. Synthetics seem okay at the beginning but over the long haul they left me feeling worse, not better.

          You can also look at your diet- load up on raw veggies, fresh fruits and water. Consistent daily hydration levels are really important as it can help you from getting reinjured while you heal. Muscles love protein so a protein drink might be supportive also. Here also you can make sure you eat protein at every meal.

    4. Chaordic One*

      I experienced a torn rotator cuff and suffered from a limited range of motion with pain when moving my arm above my head or when attempting to lift heavier items. I was told that probably I had torn the cuff more than once and that when the tears healed, they created scar tissue that was not as flexible as normal muscle and that the scar tissue made the muscles tighter and less flexible than normal muscles. I suspect that I may have injured myself when shoveling snow, but I’m really only guessing about that. I don’t really know how I hurt myself. My doctor said I could consider surgery or try the PT first and see how it went.

      I have an aversion to surgery, so I went to PT for about 6 months and the exercises they had me do really helped me improve the situation. I improved both the range of motion and my upper arm strength. The exercises were surprisingly physical, although not sweaty, and even though a typical session only lasted an hour two or three times a week, I was pretty pooped afterwards. I have to say that it wasn’t a 100% recovery, but I feel like I got back to 90% of where I was before I experienced problems, so it worked out good for me.

      If you’ve already tried the PT without much improvement, then the next step would be to consider the surgery. I’ve had friends who had the surgery and they were generally happy with the results, but afterwards they still needed to have physical therapy.

      1. Ali*

        Do you mind telling me the names of the exercises you did? I’ve been doing a lot of reading and predictably there are many PTs on YouTube and such saying things like “Everyone else will give you bad advice but here’s my good advice!” Then they all say roughly the same thing.

        1. RagingADHD*

          My husband has been doing well with his shoulder PT, and he said the PTs “Bob and Brad” showed all the same exercises on YouTube.

          1. Ali*

            That’s the second recommendation for Bob and Brad! I will go spend some more time watching them and taking notes!

        2. Chaordic One*

          Well this made me think, what exactly did I do? And then, well, what exactly do you call what I did. The PT gave me handouts about what to do, but the only I can find right now is from early in the sessions. It says to do “ceiling reaches with small circles while lying on your back, 10 times in each direction” and “countertop stretches facing the countertop and sideways to the countertop 3 times for 30 second each.” I’ll do some more looking tomorrow and see if I can find anything more.

          1. Ali*

            Thanks – I can visualize pretty well what those mean. My PT only has me mostly doing strength, and only one stretch, so I will try adding in some of these stretches.

        3. Caroline*

          I recommend AskDoctorJo on YT, she had some similar exercises as my PT and the different ones she had were pretty good. I used it for shoulder issues, though not the same ones as you.

    5. WS*

      My partner did. She had PT, it wasn’t working, changed therapists, and got it working. Six months later she’s almost 100% on movement and no pain. So if the PT exercises aren’t working for you, go back. And if they don’t help you, change to someone else. Surgery is generally a last resort because it can cause more problems due to scarring, so do everything you can with PT first.

        1. fposte*

          The thing I find I really need from a PT is correction on exercise form. It’s really easy, with many exercises, to fall back into ways that reinforce your bad patterns, because they’re so dominant when you’ve had problems for a while. I’ve been having really good results with a PT who does that and keeps me from some exercises until I can do them right, not just do them.

          1. Ali*

            I’ve done martial arts for many years, so I feel pretty confident on exercise form – all my PTs have been generally satisfied after watching me do an exercise one or twice. I do think I have major problems with my posture form (e.g. all times when I am not doing exercises) so I am starting Alexander Technique this week (on Zoom, sigh) and am hoping it will help.

            1. fposte*

              It can get pretty granular and well beyond posture; I’ve had PTs miss which part of the trapezoid I’m using, for instance, or that I’m recruiting my QL when I should be using my glutes. So a different PT can make a difference if that’s a factor. Alexander Technique is another way of getting at this–different postures involve different biomechanics, so it could help change up yours.

    6. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I had impingement on my left shoulder. I did PT for quite a while (which is the first thing to try for rotator cuffs) but it ended up not being enough. I then had surgery followed by more PT and now, it rarely bothers me (and when it does, it isn’t very painful and doesn’t last long)

      It is great not to have the constant pain. But it was a long process to recover from the surgery.

      Unlike you, however, I had a good doctor that I trusted. He is an orthopedic surgeon specializing in shoulders. If you are unsure of your doc, try to look around for a different one. My doc would do injections into my shoulder to help with the pain. He also ordered an MRI after the first set of PT didn’t work so he could see what was causing the issue.

      1. Ali*

        Oof, I hope I don’t have to have surgery, but I am also glad to know that it worked for you and is an option if things get really bad. I am def hoping I might get a shot in the near future!

    7. Might Be Spam*

      I had impingements and rotator cuff tears and made it worse by overdoing the exercises. I ended up in worse shape than I started until I learned to stop exercising when I felt discomfort instead of going until I was in pain.

      I had to unlearn “no pain, no gain” and replace it with “if it hurts more than a gentle stretch, STOP doing it.”

      Anyway, both shoulders are fine now, as long as I remember my weight limits and proper positioning before lifting things. I actually have more range of motion than when I was a child, which is amazing.

      1. Ali*

        I am glad this has such a happy ending! Crossing my fingers. Sounds like really going back to working with a PT every week is going to be the solution.

    8. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers*

      I’m so grateful to have seen your post. I’m struggling at the moment with my left shoulder. Sleeping on my left side is especially painful (but I can’t spend 8 hours on my right side). And my mobility and range of movement on that side is getting worse.

      I don’t have any useful advice because I’ve been really slack at managing the problem. My family doctor gave me some exercises to do, which I’ve done inconsistently. I’ll be reading all the responses to get some ideas on how to manage this better.

      1. Ali*

        So, I am at a point where I just can’t sleep on my side. Which I HATE. But I have converted myself into a back sleeper, with a pillow under my knees. It wasn’t as bad as I thought (i.e. I can actually get to sleep and stay asleep) but it’s still a bummer. I followed the instructions on Bob and Brad’s video on YouTube about sleeping with a shoulder problem, but I can’t even sleep on my side with their modifications or my shoulder hurts more the next day.

        That’s really my only advice. In May my doctor gave me a 10-day course of steroids, which was AMAZING. Pain was much reduced, and my mood was GREAT. But unfortunately that’s a short term solution – it got steadily worse in the fall and December and this month have been pretty miserable.

        1. Might Be Spam*

          I found moving to my recliner or couch helped me sleep on my back. There’s probably a psychological reason why that worked for me.

          When lying on my good side, I prop the bad arm on a thick pillow, making sure to support the whole arm so it is parallel to the bed.

    9. Pennyworth*

      I have torn rotator cuffs on both shoulders. I had very good results with resistance exercises with a stretchy band (forget what it is called) that my physiotherapist gave me. The first thing she said was with shoulder injuries, if any exercise hurts, stop. I did most of mine in our local hydrotherapy pool (all pre-covid) because I knew I’d be far more likely to do several sets of slow resistance exercises if I was standing in warm water. It was a slow recovery but I can now use my shoulders normally though I am very mindful of using them cautiously. I asked my doctor about surgery and he said it was successful only about 50% of the time and to consider it only as a last resort .

  61. Lack of Mud Room*

    My household keeps our yardwork/garage shoes on a shoe rack in the garage. We do not have a mudroom, nor am I interested in making one. I want the grimy stuff to stay outside.

    What I do want to do, is figure out how to keep the grimy shoes in the garage without them turning into spider/bug apartments, so I can place my foot into them without unpleasant surprises.

    I was thinking maybe a giant ziplock bag around each one, but the gallon size aren’t big enough for the calf-high steel toes. I definitely don’t want to scrub them down every use and bring them into the inside shoe closet.

    How do you keep your work shoes pest-free?

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Maybe a container with a mesh top. That will keep the bugs out, but let the shoes dry so they don’t get mildewy.

    2. Grace*

      Going back to my Guiding roots, but we always used to make boot racks outside tents by sticking canes in the ground and putting the boots upside down over them – the point was to make sure rain only hit the soles/outsides, but I’d imagine it would also work fairly well for keeping bugs out?

      Googling “upside down boot rack” brings up ones to buy and instructions on how to easily DIY one.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        This is a great tip. I wouldn’t put Ziploc bags around them– sounds like a humid mildew breeding ground to me!

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Yeah, and you’d get a whole bag of shoe stank that has been sealed off and moldering. Nasty. A breathable cloth bag with a zipper would be much better.

            1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

              Probably something finer than mesh laundry bags, or at least a lot of the ones I’ve seen had holes big enough for small insects to slip though. But generally in that vein is what I am thinking.

              1. allathian*

                The sort of mesh that screen doors are made of? At least for the top of the container. Screen doors are designed to keep bugs out of the house while letting air circulate, after all.

      2. Buni*

        Ha! My very first thought was ‘welly stick’! You need something at least cricket-stump height, and if you scrunch up a plastic bag and put it in the boot it stops anything that could be bothered to make the climb getting any further.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Dollar Tree has two gallon zip lock bags.

      I think for starters I would store the shoes upside down or maybe with the toe up in the air leaning on something and let gravity help a little bit here.

    5. Sabine the Very Mean*

      Tennis balls in the ankle. It won’t be air tight so it should be able to dry but will also repel critters.

    7. Urban Prof*

      Buy a couple dozen shoe deodorant balls (sometimes called “sneaker balls”), keep them in a box in the garage, and fill up your shoes with a few of them when you take them off, and dump out the balls when you put the shoes back on.

    8. Anono-me*

      Pillow covers and knee high socks 1/2 filled with kitty litter.

      Get a couple of pillow covers, the ones with zippers that go between the pillow and the pillow case. Keep your boots in those and zip the pillow cover shut to keep the bugs out. The fabric will let the boots breath, but they will be protected from bugs by the tight weave of the fabric and the zipper closure.

      Fill a pair of knee high socks 1/2 of the way up with deodorizing kitty litter or a combination of cedar chips and kitty litter. Tie off the top 1/3. Insert the stuffed socks in the boots to help damp and odor.

      (All of these items are available at the dollar store.)

  62. BLT*

    Question for the crowd and even better if you are a wedding photographer… I got married 7 years ago this year and I never got my wedding album from my photographer.

    He did reach out to me maybe 5-8 months after the wedding asking me to approve the wedding album. IDK what happened but I emailed him 2 years later (I already felt bad at this point) and I didn’t hear back.

    Now here we are almost 7 years later and my mom is on my case about my wedding album. I paid for the album and a large canvas print (which I don’t want) as part of my package. If it matters, I want to say I paid about $4K for everything.

    Should I reach out to him about it? He is still active on social media and photographing weddings/engagements. If you would, what would you say? Of course with the last year some industries have had I don’t want to be insensitive. “I apologize for lapsing on this so long, but could I get still my wedding album?” Would you offer to pay any more?

    1. Generic Name*

      Yikes. I think your script is good. Do you mean you paid $4k for wedding photos and you didn’t ever get said photos?? Even if you paid less, I’d certainly not offer to pay more. It sounds like they dropped the ball. Hopefully they still have the files?

      1. BLT*

        Sorry! I knew I was forgetting something. I did get a copy of all photons – low res and high res versions.

        I did wonder what was his obligation on following up with me. Looking through my emails, other than the initial “hey look at the wedding album proof” I didn’t see any follow up.

        1. Helen Knows The Owner*

          I don’t think there’s a rule/law to this but IMO, if someone follows up once, they’ve put the ball in your court. There’s no obligation for them to follow-up again- that would be a courtesy. If you don’t respond, that is on you.

          You said you paid 4k – is that just for the album/canvas or was that for the photographers time and digital copies? You should most certainly email- and not offer to pay more- and maybe attach your copies of the photos. My guess is he should be able to do the printing if you still have the copies of the photos.

          1. pancakes*

            I agree, but would not recommend attaching photos to the initial email. High-res photos in particular are a lot of megabytes, and the email could get stuck in a spam filter. You can always make arrangements to send them in a follow-up email if that turns out to be necessary.

    2. fhqwhgads*

      The contract with our photographer indicated how long they’d guarantee to keep the files, and specified if we asked for additional prints after that point they may not be available. THAT SAID, it’s weird if you never got anything in the first place, not even digital files, that they’d stop storing yours without following up with you a bunch of times. So….on the one hand it’s reasonable if they don’t have it anymore now, but on the other they really dropped the ball by not delivering SOMETHING a whole lot sooner or at least pressing you that your time was running out.

    3. SG*

      I’m a photographer, have not done weddings, but he should still have your photos and should still give you your album, and you should not offer to pay more! Do you still have the contract you had with this photographer? If so, read through it for an indication of how long he’ll keep the digital files, how many times he would contact you before deleting the files, etc. If you don’t have it, you might be able to find his standard contract via his website, but if not just move forward with the below steps anyway.
      I would forward your email from 2 years after the wedding, if you still have it (and if not, start a new email, but reference the prior email from 2 years post-wedding from ~2015-ish or whenever it was).
      Just say you were dealing with some personal matters after the wedding and you sincerely apologize for letting it go on this long, but you approve the album he sent (or ask to see it again if needed), and you’d like to get the album sent to you at this point. Provide your current mailing address, and ask, “What can I do to help ensure I get my album soon? Is there any other info you need from me?”
      Since you don’t want the canvas print, you could mention that your package included a canvas print, but that you’re forgoing the print and only care about getting the album.
      Also! This is important. Call him after you send the email! I know it’s easier to just email and not call, but that human, personal connection can make all the difference. Whether you get his vm or catch him in person, introduce yourself and mention you just sent an email and that you’re following up just to say how sorry you are for letting this drag out so long, and that getting the wedding album is important to you and would mean so much to you.
      Ultimately, you paid for it, and he owes it to you, but you did drop the ball on your end, so acknowledge that and hope that he does the right thing. If he doesn’t, the contract could really be a deciding factor in how much recourse you have, but if you spent $4k and he doesn’t deliver after multiple attempts, it’s worth speaking to a lawyer, regardless of the contrat content. Good luck!

      1. BLT*

        Thank you all, above and below! You’ve all been extremely helpful.

        I went back again and read through the emails and found the original contracts. No mention of any timelines or anything (for either party) and I’m owed additional print as well (so album, canvas, other material print), which I also don’t want. I found the link to the album for review hoped it still worked but it didn’t – glad I found it/tried.

        Anyway, although I feel like a huge donkey about, I still paid for it and I need my album!

        1. Anono-me*

          If the photographer is willing/able to do the album and atleast some of the prints. What if you ask for at least one of the prints to be of a family group photo and give it to your mom as a mother’s day or birthday gift.

    4. Sam Foster*

      I’m assuming there was some kind of agreement or contract? Reference that. And don’t apologize. “Dear photographer. You took my wedding photos on dd/mm/yy (agreement attached to email). I never received my album. Please let me know when I should expect it.

      Shipping details are:”

      Could be a simple mistake, could be a lost in shipping, whatever, but, photographer didn’t deliver on service you paid for. Address them accordingly.

    5. Elf*

      Oh, man, this is exactly the situation that I am in (down to the number of years since the wedding and the mother on my case part). I’m a little hesitant to reach out right now, though, because the photographer almost certainly hasn’t been working, and the money I paid for the album originally almost certainly isn’t available as ready cash to get it printed.

      1. pancakes*

        I sort of understand this logic, but cash flow problems really aren’t a good justification for a business to sell goods or services it can’t deliver.

      2. Filosofickle*

        I get your concern. I was given a gift cert for a local restaurant worth a whopping $300 that I’d love to use, but that doesn’t feel right considering that money is long gone and essentially they’ll have to pay out of pocket if I redeem it. All our restaurants are takeout only right now, and they are hanging on by a thread. Of course I’m entitled to use it and but…ugh.

      3. BLT*

        That’s so funny!

        I was going to comment the other day that it’s amazing that almost every week I read something on the AAM weekend thread and think, Me too!!! There’s always someone out there going through the same thing as you and we can all help each other out.

        It sounds like we should rip the band aids off and contact our photographers.

    6. Bookmom*

      No advice, but I feel your pain. For us, first the photographer was going through a divorce, then she was caring for someone with cancer, then..we lost track of her. Eventually we got a letter that she was in bankruptcy court and we had to show up at a specific date and time to a court hearing to make any claim against anything she owed us. We lived two states away and didn’t have vacation time to take three days off in the middle of the week. We ended up just never having professional pictures. Thank goodness for the random cousin that took lots of candids! And we’ll celebrate 25 this year, so the wedding “took” even without pictures.

  63. Double A*

    Has anyone refinanced their mortgage? Where did you even start?

    I’m pretty sure it would be a smart move for us financially (we plan to stay in our place for a long time, good credit, our current rate is 4.25), so I’m at the point where I want to actually get some real numbers and possibilities on the table. It’s easy to find great rates online but then what? For our home purchase we used a mortgage broker but I wasn’t super impressed with her.

    Any companies you recommend or just advice about the process would be appreciated!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I was 15 years into a 30 year mortgage which meant I had that proper % paid off and I did not need an escrow account any more.
      I refi’ed at a lower %, no closing costs, no escrow and I reduced my mortgage payment by 55%. (I did not get a great rate on the first mortgage or on the second mortgage, either and still managed to be very pleased here.)

      I paid a hunter to find this new mortgage for me, because like you say I was just overwhelmed. I ended up at my local credit union. Yeah, I could have found this deal on my own. But I did not know that at the time.

      I chose another 30 year loan because I needed a break in my expenses, but I planned I would pay ahead as often as possible. I asked if there was a penalty for paying ahead and they said no. If I do not make any more extra payments I will pay that 30 year loan off in 16 years as things stand now. So. Very. Worth. It.

    2. D3*

      We did it a while ago, when were roughly 4 years into a 30 year mortgage. Reached out to a family member who worked at a mortgage company and they connected us with an excellent loan officer. Our payment decreased by about 30% *and* we went from a 30 year to a 15. We originally did it to lower our payments, but ultimately decided to keep paying the same amount, designating the extra to go towards principal only. There were a few tight months when we skipped the extra principal, but 90% of the time we paid it. This allowed us to pay off the house about 9 years after we refinanced! And having the house paid off allowed us to put that money towards helping the kids with college and boosting our retirement funds.
      Honestly, the decisions we made at that time were the best financial decisions we ever made. Approaching retirement age and having the house paid off is a huge relief.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Yes, now is the time to refi since rates are still very low. Start with whatever bank or credit union you use for your banking. You sometimes get a tiny rate discount when you’re an existing customer. Or if you’re with a mega bank, try a small community bank. Less fees and a faster turnaround time usually.

      I refinanced the old house several times. I just checked various banks’ websites to see what the rates look like. In one case we just used the bank we used for our banking. In the other, I believe we used LendingTree dot com, which matches you with various lenders based on your stated creditworthiness, needs, etc.

      We just started a refi this weekend on the new house, which we’ve been in for a little over six years. This time I’m using the bank I work at since the rates are really good, I’d get the appraisal fee back at closing (they do that for all borrowers, not just employees), and it’s just convenient for me. The plan is to get rid of PMI; lower our rate and payment, and shorten the term; and get cash out to try and buy the empty lot behind us. If the appraisal doesn’t come out high enough to get the cash we need, at least we’ll have a lower payment and rate, and a shorter term.

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        One thing I’ve wondered – can you refinance at the bank that already holds your mortgage? I like our credit union and would prefer to stay with them. From your comment, it sounds like that it possible?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I haven’t yet encountered one that wouldn’t do it. I’d start there–you have nothing to lose by asking and it’s possible they might discount your rate or have reduced fees because you’re an existing customer. Now is a great time for a refi. I know the mortgage area at my bank (where I work) is absolutely booming with refis right now. (And the commercial lending area is being slammed with PPP applications again.) Good luck!

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          My lender reached out to me this summer and offered me a refi with no closing costs (to me) and a significantly lower rate. I might could have gotten a better deal elsewhere, but not having to go digging for it saved me some hassle, and I was happy with what I ended up with, which I’m sure was their goal. So in general, your lender would much rather you refi with them than with someone else. :)

        4. Pat Benetardis*

          I recently refinanced from a 30 year mortgage to a 15 year mortgage with the same mortgage company. The rate was comparable to others, and because I was already doing business with them, I barely had to provide them with any information, did not need an appraisal, etc. it was very easy and I am so glad I did it.

    4. ThatGirl*

      We refied a few years back, our mortgage company actually reached out and recommended it and we got to drop the PMI and lower our interest rate. They made it very easy and we didn’t even have to pay anything in closing costs. If you don’t love your company, maybe ask around for recommendations?

    5. Double A*

      Thank you all for all these tips! Our current mortgage is with a random company our first mortgage for sold to, but we do bank with a credit union. I’d been thinking of starting with them and that sounds like a good plan.

    6. Generic Name*

      Whatever you do, don’t go to key bank. I had my mortgage with them and they approached me about refinancing. I get that they were busy due to the pandemic, but 6 months after I began the process, they still hadn’t closed. They ran my credit again without asking and then they wanted me to re-sign all the documents because everything had expired. Mysteriously, the numbers were different on the new documents, and they couldn’t explain to me why everything was higher. So I walked away. Stay away from key bank! They are so shady.

    7. Dumpster Fire*

      I’d strongly suggest checking out some of your local credit unions. I had a 30-year with a regular mortgage company; after 5 years, I re-fi’d my rate down enough to reduce my payment slightly AND switch to a 20-year (chopping 5 years off); and after another 3 years, I did the same thing with the same credit union and knocked down to a 15-year (taking off another 2 years, again without increasing my payment.) So without increasing my payments, I’m paying off my house in less than 23 years instead of 30.

    8. Cat and dog fosterer*

      You can also ask people you know if they have recommendations. I know of an online bank that has great rates for fixed rates, and I used them to get a better deal from my bank. I suggested the same to friends.

      I got a much better deal from my bank because I was a customer. They also gave me suggestions on how to optimize my rates (they had a beginner deal that lasted a year, then they had a deal for those who wanted to refinance a current one). I was lucky, but worth trying local.

    9. MCL*

      I just stayed at my same credit union. We refied twice, the second time from a 30 to a 10 year mortgage (got married, so dual incomes us lower rates). I contacted them when rates dropped and they walked me through the process. I did have to pay something for closing costs and a reappraisal, if I recall. The second refi was recent enough to the first one and I didn’t have to pay the appraisal. I like my credit union and did not shop around, though.

  64. nep*

    I know so many are already doing this so the market is probably saturated (researching that aspect)…but I’ve got friends handcrafting/hand-dyeing fabric in West Africa and I want to have a go at selling it online here. Tips on where to even begin as far as taxes, logistics…? I have a friend who has owned a shop for years where he sells African imports; I’ve not talked w him in a long time but thinking of reaching out to him. Just wondering whether anyone here has done anything similar.

    1. pancakes*

      I haven’t sold any but I’ve bought lots of fabric on Etsy. The taxes and logistics would be pretty much a non-issue there. If you want to look at an example of a stand-alone shop, maybe check out tigratigra dot com, which sells hand dyed and sewn fabrics from Gujarat. I’m not sure if they’re using WordPress or Wix or whatnot on the back end, but it looks pretty simple and functional.

      1. nep*

        Thank you.
        I mean more along the lines of getting the things to me to sell–my tax obligations and how to streamline things well enough to make it worth it.
        Appreciate your input.

    2. MMB*

      There are two different set-ups you could consider. 1. You act as an agent/seller and have everything shipped directly from Africa to the purchaser by the people making it or 2. you buy the items wholesale, have them shipped to you and you resell them. Both set-ups require different licensing. For the second option you’d need to start by obtaining an import license, a resale license and tax ID (at least in the US). For the first, you would at least need a tax ID and a storefront. Most of the info can be found on your local government’s website (again US based answer).

      2. Chaordic One*

        If US-based, you might look at the IRS dot gov website for some basic info about applying for an TIN and basic tax info.

    3. RagingADHD*

      You can get free advice on setting up different types of business models through the Small Business Administration’s mentoring program.

  65. Forensic13*

    Does anyone have any baby-proofing suggestions? Either what needs to be proofed that a first-timer might not think of, or products you especially liked? My daughter’s not yet four months but she’s already rolling everywhere, so we want to be prepared. Thanks for any advice!

    1. D3*

      Literally crawl around and look at things from that point of view. Look under furniture. Sometimes we run cords under furniture and never think of it again, but a crawling baby will see it, grab and yank. Bye bye lamp!
      (not that something like that EVER happened to me…..)

    2. Anono-me*

      Secure tall bookcases, dressers, and any tall potentially tippy furniture to the wall. Also if the tv isn’t wall mounted, please secure it too.

      Look at your drawer pulls. Eventually you may want to change any knob or loop style pulls to the cove style pulls. Cabinet pulls that stick out are like a personal mini climbing wall for little hands and feet.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      As a child free babysitter, please toddler proof everything! All lower cabinets, every toilet, all outside doors, any topple-able furniture (including cat towers and Christmas trees), and anything with accessible cords to pull on. The stick-on foam corner buffers are awesome for everything coffee table height.

      Anything that fits through the cardboard tube in a paper towel roll is a choking hazard, so move things like vases with those decorative stones in them. It’s awkward, but literally crawling around in the floor thinking “what would happen if I pulled on this or put it in my mouth” will reveal a lot.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood”*

      My daughter was fascinated with the PC’s mouse cable as a toddler, so we had to keep it out of her line of sight. A friend’s little one playing with the refrigerator door, and she wasn’t always that good about closing it. She babgated the kitchen so it was offliits until that phase passed.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Not to compare a child to my dog…. but I had a dog who would open doors. Unfortunately, one door would swing back shut, trapping the dog in the room. I had one upset little buddy waiting for me to get home from work.

      I went to the old Toys R Us and they had these C shaped pieces of foam that you can put on doors that keeps the door from fully closing. They slide on an off with no marring and you can put them at whatever height works for you. For a child, this would prevent the door from closing on their fingers.

      For such a simple thing, I was so impressed.

      1. Double A*

        I will definitely be looking into this one we’re actually letting our kid roam aroun and the house!

        For the OP, you don’t really need to worry about doors until they’re walking. In fact, baby proofing some stuff before you need to is annoying because it’s often somewhat inconvenient for you to navigate around.

        1. Observer*

          On the other hand, if you DON’T baby proof, the odds are VERY high that the kid is going to do something you didn’t expect.

    6. Double A*

      So…we have a 2 year old we’re a little more lax about baby proofing because our approach is as just always keep an eye on her. As your baby grows you’ll have a sense of what she’ll go for and what she won’t. One thing I found about baby proofing is that a lot of the latches and whatnot are super annoying to install. Just…a heads up.

      Our main focus was outlets first. We had a bunch of tired outlets that needed to be replaced anyway, so we replaced them with those safety outlets you can’t insert anything into just one hole. In her room and any outlets that we always leave stuff plugged in and where she could access them, we got those outlet boxes. Get a few different models because some don’t work with certain plugs. And there are some plugs that won’t work with the boxed at all which is annoying. If you don’t want to replace outlets, those plastic plugs work just fine. There are also some outlets covers that snap close which are great for any outlets you use regularly.

      Next was anchoring tall bookshelves. You can get strap anchors but for bookshelves I find using an L bracket works best.

      This is super obvious but securing any cabinets and drawers with baby latches is crucial. Part of my approach to this was consolidating dangers stuff into fewer cabinets. We don’t secure drawers and cabinets that just have like pots and pans. We also never secured our toilets.

      One of the biggest risks is batteries. Button batteries can cause fatal damage if swallowed, and quickly. And it’s hard to know they swallowed it. So just be real secure any button batteries.

      But my biggest tip is that you can baby proof in phases. Once you’re back have some basics taken care of, then when you see your kid go for something you realize is unsafe, you can deal with it then.

    7. Natalie*

      I really like the baby proofing guides at Lucie’s List – they are separated by age/stage and cover the pluses and minuses of different products. I also find their advice, in general, to be realistic.

      One of the best things I have been learning about babyproofing is that you don’t have to do it all at one go. Our daughter is 9 months old and not pulling herself up yet, so we’re dealing with that now. We’re not worrying about, say, the bathroom, because she can’t get herself in there yet.

    8. em*

      Not a safety issue, but still good to consider: if you have books on low shelves, you can prevent them from becoming baby toys by just wedging them together tight enough that they’re difficult to remove.

    9. Anona*

      Bottom 3 book shelves are eventually fair game- my kid is just past 2, and she can easily reach all of them, so we basically just converted them to toy storage. Shelf #4 she can barely reach right now.

      Lock up any chemicals, put laundry detergent or tablets on a high shelf. Definitely anchor bookshelves, dressers, tvs, just anything that they could pull onto themselves. Like we have a big ice cream churn that’s on a second shelf that we anchored with a screw.
      We installed chain locks at the top of exterior doors so that when she eventually learns how to unlock doors we can secure them.
      For convenience we basically kept bedrooms locked from the time the kid was 1 until just past she turned 2. Our locks can be unlocked by a little universal wire key thing- we’ve put one above each door. It does both double duty to unlock the door if we lock it intentionally, or if kiddo eventually locks themselves in.
      Be careful of blind cords- tie them up since they can strangle themselves (or get blinds without hanging cords).

      Good luck!

      1. Anona*

        Oh and I forgot- for things that needed to plugged in in the kid’s room like white noise and the baby monitor, they make these box things that go over the outlet that allows the thing to remain plugged in, but covers the outlet so they can’t mess with it/unplug the thing.

    10. not that Leia*

      Outlet covers. Though I found that a lot of the specialized baby proofing products are overkill. What worked better for us was to do some reorganizing so that if they DID get into something, everything at their level was pretty safe. Ie, we put all our cookbooks, Tupperware and metal bowls on the low shelves—loud & messy…but not dangerous. For the few cabinets we wanted to keep closed, we used rubber bands around the knobs. We did also invest in a couple of decent baby gates (that we still have installed) so that we could block off some access altogether (like while we were actively cooking, or to the stairs.) Good luck!

    11. allathian*

      It really depends on the kid as well. For example, our son was never interested in turning knobs or pushing buttons, so we could keep our DVD/CD-player and amplifier on the TV shelf without any problems.

      We kept chemicals in lockable cabinets, ditto medicines. We put sharp knives on a cupboard shelf that was too high for him to reach, but otherwise we kept our kitchenware where it was. Some kids are really curious about the contents of kitchen cabinets, but ours never was so we didn’t bother to try to make them childproof. Our stove and oven were childproof, and I made a habit of using the burners at the back of the stove so my kid couldn’t reach over and pull a hot saucepan over himself. And yeah, I never left hot food on the stove without supervision, if I had to go to the bathroom when I was cooking, I’d grab the kid and lock the door. :-)

      We had some of those table corner protectors from IKEA to cover the sharp corners of our dinner table, and our coffee table was an oval one without corners.

      You can make your home as safe as possible, but it’s good to remember that pain has a purpose. It teaches you the limits of your body. When kids learn to walk, they’ll fall over, repeatedly, until they learn not to do it. This is normal and expected and doesn’t mean you have to put gym mats all over the house so your kid won’t hurt themself when they’re learning to walk. When our son was born, our living room had two two levels with three stairs between them. It took about two weeks of me supervising him every time he crawled up or down those stairs for him to learn to do it safely. Once he cut his lip when he tried to crawl down the stairs head first and I wasn’t quite fast enough to stop him, but that taught him to crawl backwards down the stairs. It was a scare I could have done without and he’s lucky his teeth weren’t damaged, but he learned his lesson.

      We had a baby gate at either end of the stairs from the ground floor to the first floor.

      For the record, I’m not in the US and I was on maternity and parental leave until my son was two years old.

      1. Observer*

        You can make your home as safe as possible, but it’s good to remember that pain has a purpose. It teaches you the limits of your body.

        This is true, but has nothing to do with basic baby proofing. There is a reason that until very recently, infants and even pre-toddlers were kept in clothes that limited mobility in some ways. It’s one thing to let a child get some bruises while learning to do X. It’s another to risk them electrocuting themselves.

  66. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Hi. Last week I posted about it being the 3 year anniversary of my father’s death and the surrounding complicating feelings about 2020 & missing a departed one. Everyone was kind enough to share their stories. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to interact more but I read each replyand warmed that yall were willing to share your stories as well. Made me feel not alone in all this. <3

    1. Not So NewReader*

      One of the best things do to do with grief is to reach out for others and not force ourselves to walk alone. ;)

  67. Sally*

    How can I stop my parents from arranging interviews for me?

    Context: I am 26 and just started a new job last month and came home yesterday to find out they have arranged an interview for me in a leading company in my field (through a mutual friend). I am perfectly okay with my current job and had no prior knowledge of this interview being arranged. I have dealt with unemployment in the past and this has caused a lot of stress for them. I understand this but am tired of my parents interfering in my work life after repeatedly requesting them not to. This latest incident now puts me in the awkward spot of having to reject an interview from a place i really would like to apply to in the future. I admit I lost my cool and might have gotten emotional. My parents are kind, well meaning people but I can’t take this any more. How can I stop them doing this ever again, and remain calm at the same time? Please help.

    1. Cris*

      This thread is for non-work stuff, so this will probably get removed. Try posting on the Friday work thread!

      2. Blackcat*

        This is a family problem, though. Sally is asking for advice with parents, not advice about how to deal with the professional repercussions.

    2. Not A Manager*

      But maybe to address the larger family dynamic instead of just the work part of it, you need to train them not to interfere by not engaging with their interference. Let’s pretend that they set you up on a blind date, instead of the example you gave. Instead of YOU canceling the date and having to explain your family situation to the person, tell your parents (very blandly, unemotionally) that they will need to cancel it. “I appreciate that you want to help me, but I set up all my own dates so you’ll need to tell your friend that I won’t be able to meet her cousin after all.” You could follow that up with, “Since I do set up all my own dates I won’t ever be available for ones you arrange for me, just FYI.”

      If they INSIST that you go on the date, refuse to cancel it, and you’re afraid of burning bridges, then you will need to cancel it by saying “there’s been a bit of a mixup, I’m actually not looking to date right now but I hope to be able to date you in the future.” Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you go on this date, because it will only encourage your parents.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Well, in the actual case of the OP, she does hope to interview there in the future. So she could say that. If she needs to cancel herself, which I hope she doesn’t b/c the parents should clean up their own mess.

    3. Reba*

      It sounds like you live with your parents (?), so setting boundaries can be challenging, but it’s not impossible! Actually, rejecting this interview in a professional manner will be a good step in training them that their interventions don’t go anywhere.

      Alison has answered a few letters about parental interference before, so you can search for those. Also google the terms “information diet” and “gray rock” if you are not already familiar with them. Sorry you’re dealing with this!

      For the company, I’m sure you feel like to don’t want to be airing family stuff to them, but I think there is a way for you to politely decline. Maybe, “Thank you so much for granting me this interview! Unfortunately, there was some miscommunication with Mutual Friend and I’m not looking to move on from my current job right now. I’m so impressed with Company and hope that we will have the chance to meet when I apply for future openings. Thank you for understanding.”

      This is distinct from Not A Manager’s date advice in that I think you should try to take charge of this interaction instead of ignoring it, because of the way it could reflect on you professionally.

      1. Not A Manager*

        It was meant to be an analogy, but I do think that if the parents set up the interview via a friend, they should un-set up the interview via the friend. I think OP should stay out of it. This is more in order to impress on the parents that they can’t set stuff in motion and expect her to deal with it AT ALL.

        But if she needs to reach out to the company, then yes I think just saying it was a misunderstanding and she looks forward to another opportunity is the way to do it.

      2. PollyQ*

        I like this script for declining the interview a lot, and unfortunately, I think it’ll be necessary to use it. Even if parents are willing to cancel the interview (which I wouldn’t bet money on), I wouldn’t trust them to do it in a way that reflects well on you.

        I also think it’s going to be hard to get these particular parents to think of you and treat you as an adult while you’re still living with them, so I’d make saving enough money to move out ASAP a high priority.

        1. Observer*

          I agree. Yes, the OP needs to NOT go on the interview, but they need to do so in a way that has the least fall out for them. Given their parents’ behavior, I would NOT trust them to do that.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I will chime in because I think this is much more a “parent problem” than a “work problem”, although of course I will respect Alison’s decision on it.

      I agree that with people who do not respect boundaries, you need to not take the burden of the rudeness/awkwardness, they are the ones causing the situation, so they should be the ones to fix it. Just tell them you’re not interviewing, so please tell their friend that and don’t do this any longer. If you’re not prepared to hang up on them or ignore them, though, you may need to go on the interview; after all, it could work out to be a much better job, and you shouldn’t do something that harms you just because you want to teach your parents a lesson. But then, I was able to learn drawing boundaries fairly easily, compared to many people, for me the hard part was not automatically doing the opposite when I was pushed!

      Mostly, after you clear this up, wait for things to cool down, then sit down with them and have a talk about how they need to ASK you before doing you any “favors”, and if they don’t, you may simply ignore them as their messes to clean up. (You may want to be less confrontational with the phrasing, of course.)

      1. Generic Name*

        I see what you’re saying about not harming yourself just to not do what your parents want, but I worry that if the op goes on the interview and gets a job they love, that will have rewarded op’s parents meddling and will keep doing it regardless of anything op says or does in the future. I think of it like dog training. If you give the dog scraps from the table just once, they will beg at the table, even if you never give them a table scrap again.

    5. Generic Name*

      I’m answering this because I think it’s more of a family dynamics issue than a work issue. You probably can’t stop your parents from doing anything. You can’t control another person’s behavior. But you can control you. So I would focus on setting boundaries (I set up my own interviews) is a first step. Then you think about what you will do in response of someone crosses a boundary. So you could respond to your parents that you are in charge of your own career and they may not take any action on your behalf and that they need to cancel the interview by X date. If they don’t cancel by then, you cancel it yourself.

      I’d also spend some time thinking about why you feel the need to not appear emotional to them. When people do shitty things to you, an emotional response is pretty normal, I’d say. Showing and having emotions is normal and human.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I would be very leery of working at a company that arranges interviews through a candidate’s parents! They’ve never even spoken to you.

      Most likely this is an informational interview that someone is doing as a favor. It’s unlikely that there is a real job prospect here, and even more unlikely that the person doing the favor has any input to hiring for a future job you might want.

      Since your parents are perfectly comfortable lying and being manipulative, it’s also possible that they misled the interviewer about your qualifications or even the type of job you do.

      I understand the intention behind those who advise to have them take the burdem of cancelling, but I don’t think you can trust them to do it without lying or making the situation worse in the long run.

      Best to handle this yourself and let the interviewer know that they were misinformed. I would not call it a mix-up or a misunderstanding. I would tell then that were misinformed or misled.

      Attributing this to miscommunication implies that you are somehow partly responsible for the “mix-up.” You aren’t. This was deliberate, and if anyone’s reputation is damaged, it should be your parents’.

      In my unfortunate experience, the only way to deal with manipulative people in the long run is to call their crap by its name and refuse to give them cover.

      1. Observer*

        I understand the intention behind those who advise to have them take the burdem of cancelling, but I don’t think you can trust them to do it without lying or making the situation worse in the long run.

        Very much this. Cancel the interview as professionally as you can. Don’t go – and do NOT discuss it with your parents. If, or rather WHEN they ask you about it tell them that you have no intention of discussing your interviews with them. Walk out of the room if you have to. And put them on an information diet.

        Also, if you are living with them, start planning to get out. Even if it means living with room mates – as long as you are in their home they are going to find all sorts of justifications for this kind of thing. And I’d be willing to bet that it’s not going to be just about jobs.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Bigger picture, look up information diets. Your parents may need one. And if you live with them, work towards moving out on your own and being fully independent of them. They may be kind and well meaning, but their behavior is intrusive and distinctly unkind. You are entitled to your boundaries. Your parents need a reminder.

  68. voyager1*

    Honestly I would go to the interview? Is it a move up? Would it be more money?

    There is thousands of folks out there who would love to be in the position to cancel an interview opportunity.

  69. voyager1*

    Dang nesting fail…

    Honestly I would go to the interview? Is it a move up? Would it be more money?

    There is thousands of folks out there who would love to be in the position to cancel an interview opportunity.

    1. Observer*

      This is a wildly unhelpful and irrelevant thing to say. It’s like the people who tell kids that they HAVE to finish their food because of the starving kids in Africa or where ever.

      This may be an interview opportunity, but it DOES present a professional problem for the OP. Even more so, it presents a personal / family problem for them. No matter how many people want and needs interviews, that does not change the fact that the parents are being WILDLY out of bounds.

      1. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

        In fact, what voyager1 said is if anything another reason to cancel the interview–many companies limit the number of people they’ll interview for a given position, so OP going on an interview they don’t want might mean someone who does want the job doesn’t get to interview.

        To continue your analogy, this isn’t even “finish your peas, there are children starving in Africa,” it’s deliberately ordering more food than you want because there are hungry people elsewhere, and then not eating it.

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