weekend open thread – January 30-31, 2021

by Alison Green on January 30, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: The Assistants, by Camille Perri. An underpaid assistant to a rich CEO finds a way to use her boss’s expense account to secretly pay off her and her fellow assistants’ student loans. It’s smart and funny and will speak to anyone who’s ever been underemployed or resented their overprivileged boss.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread.

    What brought you joy this week?

    I was able to get out of the house this week, buy a new pretty necklace, keep my eye exam (in a fair trade for my bad teeth placement and early graying, my vision is fantastic and holding steady), and volunteer (all on separate days and safely masked). In addition, the bed height is still great for me! No falls.

    Please share your little joys!

    1. Not Australian*

      I’d been worried about potentially losing touch with my 95-year-old godmother, who lives at the far end of the country from me and is my only remaining relative of the older generation. (She’s also my second cousin.) After Christmas, when I was relieved to have a card from her, I wrote a very careful letter asking her to give my e-mail address to either her nephew or one of her carers so that I could check in with them occasionally. I got back a very *slightly* reproving response to the effect that she has an i-Pad and can handle her own e-mail, thanks a bunch! I feel well and truly kicked in the butt, and TBH I thoroughly deserve it for underestimating her.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        If I have to get a kick in the butt, these are types of push backs that make me grin from ear to ear. Good for her and good for you.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Good for her!
        Now that you know she ahs an ipad, could you maybe set up a family zoom with her AND the nephew (cousins in the younger generation)? It could be done as fun, and you’d open a communication link so another Christmas you wouldn’t be dreading the card/nocard discovery.

        1. ElsieD*

          Exactly! Thirty years ago, when my mother and I were concerned that we hadn’t heard from my elderly godmother, I had to take a side trip on my holiday in England to discover that she had died. My mother had lost touch with her daughters and so we didn’t know until long after. Now with the internet, probably a physical trip wouldn’t be necessary, but having other family contacts is sensible.

    2. WoodswomanWrites*

      I received an email from a grad school classmate who is organizing an online reunion for our small, traveling cohort from 30 years ago. He said that so far everyone has expressed interest. It’s been decades since we’ve we were together, and it prompted me to look up some of them online. The unconventional experiential program was transformative for many of us, and it’s great to see the cool things people have gone on to do. I’m excited to reconnect.

    3. Lena Clare*

      Well that picture of Alison’s kitty is a little joy :)
      I just watched a YouTube makeup video and the presenter’s toddler came in and started giggling which was really sweet and made me smile.

    4. StellaBella*

      My little joy this week was a day off of work, with a physio appt (frozen shoulder is healing!), a massage, new CDB oil drops (20% strength), and Thai takeaway with a piece of chocolate cake, too. Thurs night and last night I slept like a rock which I have not been able to do since October, to be honest.

    5. Bobina*

      I love any and all “behind the scenes” type shows because I love knowing how stuff works and also competence porn . Anyway, I found out that one of the TV channels here has loads of emergency rescue type shows that I’d never seen before – and I thought I’d watched them all! So I have been binge watching emergency helicopter medics do amazing things all week and I still have loads more to watch. I am genuinely so happy with this find its ridiculous :D

    6. Garden Pidgeons*

      My town has started doing food waste collection! A lot of what goes in our bins is vegetable peelings etc., so it’s nice to have that be composted/reused now rather than going to landfill. (And it’s collected twice as often as rubbish was, which is nice too.)

      2. MissCoco*

        My university started a composting program for grad students this week!
        I have small pets, and I’m so excited to no longer have to throw out the compostable bedding and hay they use

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Here we have to contract with a vendor for waste pickup, and I have so little I take it to the transfer station instead. I am gleeful every time my biofuels drop-off bucket is heavier than my trash bag. (“Like today!” she says happily.)
        In pandemic, the transfer station run has become the surprise highlight of my week… enough so that I *completely* understand this little twitter ad from the UK
        https://twitter.com/RichardHammond/status/1355101668434653184

      4. GoryDetails*

        Good news on the food-waste collection; hope it works out! (I have a yard large enough to host some slow compost heaps, so my own food waste never gets into the trash at all, but in areas without that kind of space it’d be great to send the peels and eggshells and whatnot to be composted.)

    7. detaill--orieted*

      The rattle coming from my car turned out to be a plastic bag stuck to a heat shield. I’m helping out my mom in not my current city, and about to drive back, so dealing with anything real would have been an extra pain. Just thinking about pulling off that bag makes me happy!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I love when those problems turn out to be silly little things – I refer to it as “situations where I’m glad to feel a little dumb.” I had a repair guy in like three days before my refrigerator’s warranty ended because it kept ticking – turns out that the fan was blowing the safety label on the cord and it was ticking against the back of the fridge, solved with three inches of duct tape. And the number of times I called AAA because my old car (with an automatic transmission) wouldn’t start only to realize as the dude showed up that it was in gear… but I’d rather feel silly than actually have the major problems. :)

    8. Hotdog not dog*

      Reading AAM, especially the Friday Good News! Having been isolated with my family for so long now, knowing that there are reasonable adults somewhere out in the world is such a relief!

    10. Mimmy*

      My little joys are usually all work related, otherwise I’d participate more.

      Shows you that I really need to pay more attention to non-work/school joys ;)

    11. Come On Eileen*

      My little joy was this – a handyman came to my condo to fix a few things. He had a hard time opening my gate because the gate door is slightly mis-aligned with the rest of the gate. Anyway, he left after about an hour and I spotted him eyeballing the gate as he left, and tinkering with it a bit. When I walked outside the next morning, the gate opened and closed WITH EASE. He apparently decided to fix it for me as he left, and I am forever grateful for small kindnesses like this one.

    12. Frankie Bergstein*

      Lots of virtual evening get-togethers (via Zoom) with different community groups this week — professional support group, neighborhood association, creative hobby class, local artists. It feels good to be connected to folks beyond besties and families right now.

      I also made tasty savory pancakes!

    13. Coenobita*

      My aunt just sent me an email titled “Fox News” and I was like, oy, what now – but it turned out that it was updates on the (actual, living) fox who hangs out in her yard, and she meant the subject line as a joke. It made me smile.

    14. Joan Rivers*

      Side note: If you’re at all interested, you may find a lot of joy in making your own necklace, too.

      There’s something so centering and calming about going to the bead store and letting the colors and shapes go past your eyes. And playing with the placement of the beads.
      OR taking apart old jewelry from family. I’ve found parts from dated costume jewelry that I turned into earrings.

      WARNING: This can be addictive. I made earrings to go w/a watch I had, from metal shapes that I just twisted to connect to each other. Got me hooked.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We got my teenager jewelry making supplies for Christmas, and as she’s cleaning her room she’s been making earrings out of some tiny bits of what used to be clutter. I was dubious but by pulling a few pieces as jewelry, she’s been able to let go some broken childhood treasure so I’ve come around. (One guess what she’ll be getting in her Valentine’s Day card.)

        1. Joan Rivers*

          Dated costume jewelry can have good parts you can use.
          And all it takes is finding one “medallion” or center piece at a bead shop to hang on a string of beads or a cool chain — suddenly you have a statement necklace.

          Those of us who collected rocks and agates as kids find we come back to it w/crystals, too.

          1. Kuododi*

            One of the best purchases I made was I a few years ago when DH and I were browsing through local antique/ thrift shops. The manager had acquired 2 gallon sized freezer bags full of scrap pieces of jewelry. She and I talked for a while and I was able to take both bags off her hands for $3. I had a field day creating new treasures out of the scrap.

            Kuododi

            1. Joan Rivers*

              Cool. I hit a garage sale closing up and they gave me some things, even.
              Bead shops have pendants you can just attach to a necklace and all of a sudden it’s a statement piece. But old necklaces have pendants too.
              You can entwine one string of beads around another, too. Or attach things onto existing earrings.
              You DON’T have to be an intricate “beader” — that’s what’s fun! If you’re creative you can just learn to put things together. I’m pretty clumsy, don’t sew, etc., but w/a small tool I can pull a ring apart that attaches one thing to another.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The big one: I moved a CD player into my home office! Why did it take me so long to remember I am no longer in an open office and can play music without headphones again? It was good timing because old favorites on repeat made this week’s craziness so much easier to navigate — and it has given me incentive to get a head start on the incoming tax paperwork. (Surprise side benefit, it helps my family remember to close the door between my space and theirs so we didn’t distract each other as much either.)
      The little one: Cornstarch snow. There’s a sound that snow makes when you walk on it around 15°F/-10°C, and I’m going to bundle up and go for as long a walk as the temperature will allow.

      1. Joan Rivers*

        I started enjoying music again recently after a lull — I was more down than I realized, I guess, and would play music in the car but not at home. Then it came back and I feel more like me now.
        Though I’m still playing songs from my “Care Package” — ones saved on my computer I know always cheer me — old R&B, quirky songs I save.

        1. Joan Rivers*

          A “Care Package” is something I create for myself for when I’m down. I know what I like — when I open it up it feels like a present to me.

          There’s one of SONGS. And there can be one of Essential Oils for the BATH, along w/candles.

          There can be one in the KITCHEN and one in the LIQUOR CABINET too. My recent buy was some Rose’s Lime Juice and organic hazelnuts, to make a Vodka Gimlet. It’s just stuff I gather and set aside for a treat.

          There are websites I think of as “care packages” too — ones I don’t go to that often but then remember.

    16. TL -*

      I got a sticker book full of random days of celebration – Daisy Day, cupcake day, ballet day, etc…

      I’m doing all of them this year. Gonna have to get creative for some of them but it’s genuinely been a bright spot in 2021.

    17. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Finishing off a bit of cross stitch in my ‘work in progress’ pile that’s been there for over 3 years. I’d forgotten how to do french knots so had just left it! Found some YouTube instructions and finally got it done (a Babel fish from HHGTTG)

    18. Alaska_Blue*

      I lightly broke my leg on January 9, meaning no cast or surgery, just a brace. A friend loaned me a shower chair, which was nice, but after seeing my orthopedic PA on Wednesday, who encouraged me to only wear the brace when outside the house, on Friday and Saturday I took my showers standing up! I feel so much less broken and showering is not a chore any longer!

      1. Dee*

        I’m very glad you are feeling better emotionally!

        If anyone else needs to read this, feel free to use assistive devices without shame, they aren’t indicative of brokenness.

        1. JLP*

          I agree with Dee regarding assistive devices. I broke my left leg (tibula and fibula) right before Thanksgiving 2020 and had to have surgery to fix the break. I came home from the hospital with a walker and assistive device for the toilet. Bought a shower seat which was the best purchase I could ever have done. 10 weeks later I am now showering standing up and use the shower seat for balance. The assistive device for the toilet is now gone and I am starting to weight bear on my left leg. It’s all good!!

    19. Woolly Jumper*

      I had been making pour-over coffee since my coffee maker broke 2 years ago and I finally bought a new one! It’s programmable so I can have fresh coffee already made when I wake up! I realize this is not new technology and I have no idea why I dragged my feet so much on this $40 purchase but it is great.

    20. Crop Tiger*

      My Christmas cactus is blooming. Again. It’s very enthusiastic and blooms throughout the year but for some reason this last year it’s been particularly…bloomy. Which has been nice.

      I also saw a bobcat in my backyard.

    21. The Other Dawn*

      I lost five pounds this week! I’ve gained quite a bit of weight and it’s been really hard to get my nutrition on track from the train wreck that was 2020. My trainer now works with a company that does virtual training and nutrition and he told me about a 12 week challenge they’re doing. They’re picking five people to get the whole program for free (virtual personal training and nutritional plan) and document their progress along the way (Instagram, online interviews, etc.) Anyone can enter, though, without being considered for one of the five spots. I entered (video submissions, “before” pictures, and some small essay questions) and I’ll know Monday if I’m one of the five. Even if I don’t get picked, I’m still doing the challenge–I need the accountability and the strict nutritional regimen. The best part is I don’t have to pay for the meal planning, which is a nice bonus. He started my meal plan this past week and it’s amazing how much better I feel now that I’m eating real food and not Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos all the time; it got really bad last year with the Cheetos!

    22. Potatoes gonna potate*

      A friend turned me on to California Cold Co Coffee and I am hooked. One of the best tasting coffee I’ve ever had, better than Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts. My new neighborhood has DD in abundance, and the nearest starbucks is 20 minute drive away, so I’ was missing good coffee.

    23. Might Be Spam*

      Today we had a Skype birthday party lunch with our son who lives out of state. This year, we celebrated all our holidays with our son for the first time in 10 years. It took a pandemic for us to find a way to spend more time with far-off family, rather than assuming that if we didn’t meet in person, we couldn’t meet at all. Most of us are comfortable with technology and it’s a bit embarrassing that we didn’t take advantage of it until now.

    24. Seeking Second Childhood*

      New one to add, courtesy of the CBC —
      Something I recently learned to love (Bhangra) combined with something I’ve loved my whole life (Celtic music).
      “Bhangra dancing to Celtic music in the Yukon wilderness is the mash-up we didn’t know we needed!”
      Video caption : “Gurdeep Pandher Bhangra dances to Celtic music
      Bhangra dancing to Celtic music may not seem like an obvious pairing, but for Yukon’s Gurdeep Pandher, who loves to blend unexpected genres, the two art forms are a great fit.”
      https://mobile.twitter.com/CBC/status/1355274527509524483

    25. Kimmy Schmidt*

      For the first time in who knows how long, I read a book where I felt like I couldn’t put it down. It was actually one of Alison’s recommendations from a few weeks ago called Hench, about supervillains and their very normal support staff. The ending was sad, but I devoured the book. It was nice to read for fun again!

      1. ampersand*

        I am also reading Hench, and I’m now slightly sad to hear the ending is sad, ha. But same—this is the first book I’ve been able to read in a long time. Like years. It’s weird to go from being a voracious reader to not being able to concentrate on a book, and I’m so glad to have one I’m enjoying and will finish!

    26. ampersand*

      After not being able to wear earrings for 20+ years because of (what I assume are metal) allergies, I finally found some I’m not allergic to! Turns out 100 percent sterling silver is the answer; I just didn’t think to try it before now. Yay!

    27. GoryDetails*

      A nice little joy today during the family Zoom – got to see a tour of my 20-something nephew’s new apartment. It still startles me a bit to see the niblings doing real “adulting”, as the time when they were toddlers playing tag in my yard seems like just yesterday… Seeing them all have serious conversations about hanging curtains and where to get a decent table and what to do with out-of-date computers was really charming!

      1. Tired of Covid-and People*

        I should add that I am VERY high risk; heart disease, diabetes, and 65. I waited until legit eligible to schedule my dose, which was NOT easy. My county sucks, so I got the shot at a grocery store pharmacy. I know there was a discussion about this, and people feeling some type of way about folks getting shots before them (I was one of those). But I had been looking forward to a vaccine since the pandemic began, and was getting anxious about the short supply and inability to schedule an appointment, especially with new variants being discovered. I’ve restricted my life as much as I can, so the shot gave me hope that maybe one day I can live again, and all of you too. Hoping the new administration’s use of the Defense Production Act will quickly speed up vaccine production so that everyone who wants to be vaccinated can be.

    29. SweetestCin*

      My little joy over the weekend was having a spare hour to go on a date with spouse! Outdoor hot cocktails under a beach umbrella in 22*F weather with lightly falling snow :) (No indoor dining here…but the little winery near me has a patio with giant beach umbrellas and picnic tables…bring your own blanket!)

  2. Kali*

    Has anyone watched any interesting movies?

    I’m rewatching Compliance atm. It’s about the staff at a fast food restaurant recieving a call from someone claiming to be a police officer saying a cashier has stolen something. Staff are persuaded to strip search her and it escalates from there, purely based on what this guy on the phone is saying. The most interesting thing about it is it’s based on a true story. It sounds absolutely bonkers that anyone would go that far (it ends in assault, don’t want to be too explicit) based on a stranger’s word, but they DID. The filmmakers do a really great job in showing us how people are persuaded to go along with it. The manager, who is most taken in, is having a stressful day and she’s already inclined to think badly of the cashier. We can also see her memory shift – she says the officer has described the cashier “exactly” and knew her name, when all he actually said was “blonde” and “yes, Rebecca” after the manager volunteers “you mean Becky?”. We also see the manager agree to one thing – “just check her bag” – which then slices to another thing. Finding nothing in her bag becomes “wow, the stolen money must really be hidden, now we need to check her clothes”. And the caller says this as if the next step is obvious, and because the manager has already agreed to check the bag, she seems to feel obligated to keep going because she’s already agreed the cashier might be guilty. And then, as she gets further and further in, what the caller’s saying HAS to be true, because if it’s not, she’s done really awful things. It’s chilling. Not gory or explicit in any way, but chilling because it makes this absurd scenario plausible.

      1. Green great dragon*

        Isn’t it weird how memories work? Haven’t dared recommend a book to my Dad since he politely said ‘not my sort of thing’ about one, and then I reread it, and I have been mentally cringing ever since.

        1. Kali*

          I think I was actually remembering “did not trigger me” and the rewatch reminded me it could definitely trigger someone else!

    2. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      I watched Melvin Goes to Dinner a little while ago and loved it. It’s one of those twisty, dialogue-based films that doesn’t play out at all like you think it will. I can’t explain it without ruining the joy of watching it. But it’s super charming in that humany-humans way, and how the story unfolds is just superb storytelling. One of the best films I’ve seen in a long time.
      Curious to know if anyone else has recommendations along similar lines?

    3. Richard Hershberger*

      I recently saw Aces High, a 1976 film with Malcolm McDowell. There is a truism that it is impossible to make an anti-war film, because it will always end up glorifying war. Aces High makes a valiant attempt. It is a WWI flying film. It opens in October of 1916 with ace pilot and frightfully young Malcolm McDowell on leave, speaking to his school about how they are beating the Huns and he just hopes it lasts long enough for them to get in on it. Then it cuts to a year later, when Peter Firth as one of those schoolboys just out of pilot training. He pulled some strings to get assigned to McDowell’s unit, having a serious case of hero worship. He finds McDowell and the rest of the pilots all coping poorly in various ways with PTSD, not that it is called that, of course. The rest of the film covers about one week, accurately reflecting the survival rate. It doesn’t look like fun. On the other hand the flying scenes, even with frankly cheesy production values, are cool. So I give it a B as an anti-war film.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I think this is an adaptation of the classic WWI play Journey’s End by RC Sherriff, which is something most UK children have to study in school.

      1. Dee*

        I was going to say this if nobody had already.

        I find Derren Brown’s stuff on human nature quite fascinating. I found The Push to be uncomfortably intense but worthwhile to watch.

        1. Kali*

          Oh, I have seen that!

          I liked his interview process for finding candidates. I can see how I would be thinking, oh, I must have missed an instruction about the bell. But then, I’m pretty sure – though I’ve never been in the situation – that I would just say “Bernie couldn’t make it” and give the speech as myself.

    5. Sleepless*

      This was indeed based on a true story. I vaguely remember an SVU episode about this; I even want to say Robin Williams was in it.

    6. Mimmy*

      A few days ago, my husband and I watched Case 39 with Reese Witherspoon. Reese is a social worker in a child services agency. One case is a 10-year old girl who her parents tried to kill (I came into the movie late so I didn’t get the entire back story). When they can’t find a foster placement, Reese’s character fights to have the girl live with her until a family can be found. In the beginning, the girl is all shy and clingy. As the movie progresses though, it becomes more and more clear why her parents wanted to get rid of her. The movie is incredibly creepy!!!

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      We watched “The Dig”on Netflix, based on a true story about an archaeology find in Suffolk, England in 1939. We saw part of what they found in the British Museum in the 90s.

      1. Squeakrad*

        We’ve been enjoying a mix of old and newer movies ourselves. In no particular order:

        1. The villages. A documentary about the 55 and over retirement community in Florida. It’s funny, sad, heartbreaking and ultimately a dose of real life without getting too maudlin.
        2. Champagne for Caesar. A really silly old movie about a $64,000 question type of game show it gets averted by an academic who has no other talents other than being able to remember odd bits of data.
        3. Re-watching the movies with Kate Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.Really enjoyed Adam’s rib and Woman of the year, Pat and Mike a little less so.
        4. The man who invented Christmas.Although it’s after the holiday, we watched it recently and while it’s not a perfect movie it’s a fascinating take on how Dickens wrote A Christmas Carol. Written by Susan Coyne, who is also known for acting in and writing slings and arrows, the fabulous Canadian series about a Toronto-based Shakespeare troupe.
        5. While I’m at it, if you can get slings and arrows – it was on YouTube for a while, then not, then back – it’s a three season series about a Shakespeare group in Toronto that goes through every kind of machination to save the theater. Wonderful acting, beautiful writing and funny as all get out.

      2. MysteryFan*

        Watched The Dig last night.. it definitely moves at a leisurely pace, but it really beautiful in lots of ways!

    8. movies*

      I really only watch three movies whenever I feel the itch to watch a movie (which isn’t often).

      The Fifth Element
      Legally Blonde
      Moana

      height of cinema

      1. LeeLoo Dallas Has Great Hair*

        The Fifth Element is the best! The scene at the end when Ruby Rhod is having issues with his device always crack me up :D

      2. Dark Macadamia*

        Moana is genuinely one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Characters, story, visuals, everything. I love Legally Blonde too but more as just a really good comedy than the overall …artistry?

        1. Kali*

          I like the musical. It takes all the good bits of Legally Blonde and turns them up to 11. Which is what the movie did for the book!

    9. Uranus Wars*

      I’ve been watching a bunch lately, not sure what you have access to stream..but some good, some bad. Some new, some older – but these are the ones I enjoyed.

      On The Rocks (Apple TV)
      A Simple Favor (Apple TV)
      On the Basis of Sex (Prime)
      Pelican Brief (Prime)
      Greyhound (Apple TV)
      Someone Great (Netflix)
      The Sleep Over (Netflix)

      1. Sagewhiz*

        Oh definitely put The Prom (Netflix) on the must-see list! Meryl Streep, James Cordon, an actual musical (!!!), and so outrageously funny I had to stop for tissues. Finding it also qualifies as my little joy for the week

    10. Filosofickle*

      We watch lots of movies. Ones we liked recently:
      Hector and the Search for Happiness: A disillusioned therapist decides he isn’t really helping his clients and goes on a trip around the world to get out of his rut
      Trumbo: Dramatization of the true story of communist blacklisting in Hollywood
      Dead Poets Society: Old fav, the themes of finding yourself and seizing the day always get me in the feels
      The Dressmaker: A woman sent away as a child comes back home to Australia in 1951 to uncover the secret of her banishment and get quite a bit of revenge while looking fabulous. If you like vintage fashion, it’s a dream.
      The Nice Guys: Fun 1970s LA detective caper. Who knew Russell Crowe could be so funny?
      Pride: A charming true tale about solidarity between gay activists and striking British miners in 1984

    11. Yellow Warbler*

      Just watched “Big Ass Spider!” on Crackle and loved it. It has the one guy from Heroes.

      1. redwinemom*

        Just watched “The Dig” (2021) on Netflix.
        This bittersweet tale of the discovery and unearthing of a wooden ship from the Dark Ages while digging up a burial ground on a woman’s estate. This film takes place in England on the eve of the second world war. Gentle charm.

    13. Tired of Covid-and People*

      Thought provoking movie with the inimitable Ann Dowd. Definitely a cautionary tell about the risks of too easily deferring to authority.

  3. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going? As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing.
    I’m currently dealing with a character whom I designed to be one way but turned out completely different, so back I go to adjust everything…

    1. Kali*

      About, God, 17 years ago, a friend and I began writing a comic. We fell out 12 years ago and, as far as I know, neither of us finished it.

      It was about a 16-year old girl, Maria, who lived in a small town. Her best male friend, Robert, was the archtypal boy next door. Son of the local chief of police, intended to grow up to follow in his dad’s footsteps. He and Maria had been friends since toddler-hood. Maria’s best female friend, Adelaide, didn’t really get on with Robert. She and Maria went to an all-girl’s secondary school, where they’d met (at age 11) so the friendships were very separate.

      Robert had always thought he would grow up to marry Maria. He thought they had time. He never talked about this, he just assumed it would happen someday. He didn’t like Adelaide because she took Maria’s time and attention. Adelaide was also a little bit in love with Maria. She, Adelaide, had realised she was a lesbian but wasn’t out. She was pretty sure Maria wasn’t gay, though she hoped a bit. She was waiting till she was older and living in a big city before she began exploring. She didn’t like Robert because she knew about Robert’s feelings and resented that he had a better chance than her to act on them. Maria is a very young sixteen and has no idea about any of this, at all.

      The story was about one summer in their lives. The first significant event was JC coming to town. He had a motorbike and talked a big game about being independent, but we, the readers, know all his money comes from a family account and he’s still very much being supported. He’s not intentionally lying, he’s just 17 and doesn’t understand that being independent means more than just not being at home. Maria likes him. It’s the first inkling of her beginning to have and explore romantic feelings, though she’s not quite ready to act on them.

      The rest of it would have been about all the subtle drama and emotions Maria could not pick up on, and the conversations of three people, all wanting to push towards a specific outcome, none of whom are quite willing to show their hand. Robert knows Maria has feelings for JC and hates it. JC sees straight through Robert AND Adelaide. JC and Adelaide don’ t see one another as a threat. Or rather, Adelaide does see JC as a threat, but realises that if Maria isn’t gay that isn’t JC’S fault. Plus, she vastly prefers him to Robert, because she thinks Robert will trap her friend in a small life.

      I’m the background would be all these scenes of a gang causing trouble. The story would end with Robert and JC getting into a fight, falling into a river, and drowning. Maria and Adelaide sit in Afelaide’s room listening to a news report which ascribes their deaths to another example of escalating gang activity.

        1. Jean (just Jean)*

          Yes, I was following along and perusing the visuals inside my head. Sounds like a graphic novel.
          Could you and your former friend patch things up enough to complete the project? The pandemic gives you a perfect reason to collaborate remotely.

      2. RagingADHD*

        It would be interesting to see what there is in Maria’s personality (other than childlike obliviousness) that has captivated these three people, who are apparently far more more mature and self-aware than she is.

        What goal is Maria pursuing, while everyone else is pursuing her?

        1. Kali*

          Mostly, she wants to date JC and figure out her feelings and what they mean, and would love it if her best friends could both get along and be happy for her and stop being moody and confusing.

        2. Kali*

          I don’t know if being a teenage girl was like this for everyone, but for me there were definitely terrifying, menacing, and ominous moments of sensing people older or more powerful or stronger than me wanting something from me that I was not yet equipped to understand and reading signals I had no idea or intention about. That’s what I wanted to explore. The idea that these strange new feelings were “corrupting” the safe grounds of her childhood friendships, and she had no power over it and no idea it was happening, or even knew she should know.

          As for who she is…well, some of the details we discussed were her worries over not being as pretty as Adelaide, her enjoyment over her burgeoning romance with JC, and how she’d hoped to spend the summer bringing Robert and Adelaide together as friends while neither were willing to be honest about why that wouldn’t happen. I know she has a job as a waitress and hadn’t really thought about what she wanted to study or do with her life, though she had a vague idea uni was in her future. She was very of-the-moment and kept her thoughts very close to the surface.

          I guess what she gave the other three was peace. They didn’t have to second guess her, she never had any ulterior motives. For Robert and Adelaide, she was safety and home. I think Robert and Adelaide saw who she was and had been (though Robert was more stuck in the past than Adelaide) and JC saw who she was becoming, if that makes sense. Both Robert and Adelaide had ideas about who they wanted her to be, based on who she had been when they met, but JC didn’t have those memories, he was starting from now.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I definitely had that, but much earlier than 16. When I was a kid I was a bit of a tomboy and all my best friends were boys. I didn’t get on with girls at all, they seemed to always prefer my younger sister.
            So it was a shock when I discovered around 13 or 14 that boys didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. My feelings were also complicated by mostly unrequited crushes on the boys I knew…

    2. Richard Hershberger*

      I have an invitation from an academic press to submit a proposal this spring for a history of early baseball. I want to have several chapters complete by then. I am finishing up the first draft of chapter two and have started chapter three. This will bring us up to the 1840s.

    3. Laura H.*

      My plot bunnies live! And just… giving one character near carte blanc to ask anything and receive an open and honest answer out of someone who is not known for openness is such a good but daunting exercise. I’m happy with it so far.

    4. Grace*

      Mostly still just writing fanfiction, because it’s such a comfort blanket when there’s not much else fun going on right now. I’m in a couple of fandom Discord servers filled with other incredible writers, and I’d forgotten since leaving school (the last time I really felt comfortable openly talking about my writing) how refreshing it is to have a ready-made community built around creativity like that.

    5. RagingADHD*

      Revisions going so smoothly on client project 1 that I’m nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop. At this point we should be ready for beta readers by end of February.

      Client 2 is still AWOL. I was hoping to have the manuscript on that one drafted before Christmas, but we can’t move forward until she resurfaces.

      I get to start interviewing Client 3 on Monday, so that will start ramping up with short samples to calibrate voice & tone.

      My novel #3 is still languishing. Just don’t have the brainspace.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I spent all day yesterday doing a big dialogue edit for one character in Confluence (the sequel to Tunerville). Also, the new instructor in the CompTIA training taught high school physics, and he agreed to do a quick review of the science in the book, since I only have a very tenuous and Star Trek-level understanding of the subject.

      Also working on the conlang. I just started on verbs. It’s a very tense exercise. ;) *badumtss*

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        A local creative writing group has just started promoting their workshops. I had a look on their website, and it said “Become a member”. So I checked how to join, and it turns out you need to be referred by an existing group member. Since I have no idea who the members are, I think I won’t be joining.

  4. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week? As usual, this is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about board games and phone games. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered childhood favourite.
    A bit of a different spin on the thread this week based on something that showed up in one of my social media feeds: have you ever had a game that looks like it should be right up your alley but for some reason just didn’t click with you? I kind of have that with Animal Crossing and Dark Souls. In the case of Animal Crossing my main problem is the real-time aspect of it, but in the case of Dark Souls I can’t quite out my finger on it.

    1. Still*

      Have you played Stardew Valley? I haven’t played Animal Crossing but it seems to have a similar vibe and it’s not in real time!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I have! Also a big fan of the series Stardew Valley is an homage to (Bokujo Monogatari, which used to be localised as Harvest Moon but due to copyright shenanigans is now called Story of Seasons). It’s how I first got interested in Animal Crossing but…yeah, not for me.

        2. Katrin*

          I think Sakuna came out a few months ago and has good reviews. Seems to be like Rune Factory but with a traditional Japanese style. Has anyone played it themselves?

          Although not quite the same, I’ve really loved playing Stonehearth. It’s a town/city builder with a 3d pixel aesthetic. Max number of villagers is 50 and each have their own traits so although they’re randomly generated they do have their own personalities. It’s a little resource intensive but very charming.

          1. Holly the spa pro*

            Ive played through Sakuna and it is so so fun. I wouldnt say it is like Rune Factory per se. Only in so far as there is a farming apsect and fighting aspect but the feel of each is very different.
            I definitely recommend it though. It is charming, the combat is really fun and the rice farming is really engaging although intimidating at first. I liked playing around with different armor and attack set ups and figuring out the nuance to the rice farming. Going back and forth between the fighting and farming gave a nice balance and made the game less grind-y. I played it obsessively for weeks. 10/10

      2. Holly the spa pro*

        I recommend this here all the time but if you like Stardew Valley ans Harvest Moon, check out Rune Factory 4. It is available on the switch now but was previously a 3ds game and has a blend of farm sim and dungeon crawler. Rune factory 5 is coming out this year and im so pumped.

        1. Katrin*

          I really enjoyed RF4, I didn’t manage to finish it but I’d definitely consider RF5 when it comes out.

    2. Onebitcpu*

      I’m playing through the Mass Effect trilogy again, and play The Division 2 bi-weekly fridays with friends.
      I also run a Dungeons and Dragons game Wednesday nights online. That has been going since July last year.

      I’ve run into 2 games lately that i tried and put down. Maneater where you play a shark, I just couldn’t stans the control scheme. Mobile Suit Gundam space battles, i couldnt get the hang of navigating in space.

      Control is free on playstation next month, and it is on my list of games i would play if it wasnt $60

    3. Decidedly Me*

      This was a ways back, but there was a game called Dewy’s Adventure for Wii. You played a dew drop that could freeze or turn to mist, if I recall, to get through different levels. I thought the concept was really interesting, but remember barely playing any of it. I don’t recall the exact reason why, though – maybe that it was just really boring?

    4. Nicki Name*

      I’m trying out Opus Magnum. It’s similar to SpaceChem (in fact, by the same people) but the game system is working a lot better for me– partly, I think, because in this one they’re using their own invented system of chemistry.

    5. Vistaloopy*

      I am finally (haha) playing Final Fantasy XV, and loving it! I bought it 4 years ago (hard copy for PS4) about a month before my daughter was due, but she decided to show up early, so I never got the chance! Now that she’s 4, I’m learning how to reclaim my gaming time, and man this game is great! I have always loved the Final Fantasy series.

    6. Nessun*

      Trying to muster the interest to finish the current story for Guild Wars 2. I’m not impressed bu the Dragon Missions, they’re rather repetitive, but I like the storyline. Just holding on for the next expac, really…Cantha!!

    7. MEH*

      Hello! Souls fan here. I played the first game, finished it, hated it and thought I was done with it. I replayed it before the sequel came out and started appreciating it more. By the time the DS III came out, I was a complete fan of the series. DS III is now my favorite game of all time. I can certainly understand why it’s a miss for people, though!

      In a similar vein, Bloodborne and Sekiro by the same developer, FromSoft, are both excellent games that aren’t quite my jam because they’re much faster paced. Whereas I’ve played all the Souls games multiple times, I’ve only finished BB and Sekiro once each.

      I have a whole genre I really want to like, but don’t. Point-and-clicks, specifically detective/murder mystery point-and-clicks. I’ve tried about a dozen of them, hoping to like them because I love reading murder mysteries, but al of them have fallen flat, except Paradise Killer by Kaizen Game Works. I adore that game, but I had to quit playing because of first-person nausea. I couldn’t tweak it enough to make it tolerable, sadly.

      Finally, I really, really wanted to like Nioh (Team Ninja) because it’s a Soulslike, but it just missed the mark for me. It had the uncanny valley effect of being very close to the real thing, but not close enough.

      1. NiceOrc*

        Agree with the first-person pov nausea. I have just bought What became of Edith Finch, and am enjoying it, but can only play for 10 minutes or so at a time. (Which is probably not a bad thing!) I’m also playing Stardew Valley, which is fun.

    8. RagingADHD*

      We checked out a new cooperativd game in the “Forbidden Island” series. This one’s called Forbidden Sky, and it looks like they’re branching out into some different gameplay elements. Hoping to get the family playing tonight.

    9. Jackalope*

      Still more Fire Emblem Three Houses! I’m well into Part 2 now, and have racked up around 115 hours of game time. A couple of times I had 2-3 hours of support videos following a bunch of battles. I find the A support videos touching in many cases, so that’s been fun. (Although I was amused that multiple Hubert A support videos [I went the Crimson Flower route, as this comment would indicate] involved someone threatening his life; oh, Hubert!) Also, just had a battle with one of the former monastery house leaders, and was relieved that I had the choice not to kill him at the end of the battle. Still hated fighting former colleagues (and I didn’t find a way around killing his second in command), but I was glad to be able to show mercy. And… I know my characters are just video game characters, but I made a point not to make any of the former members of his house go to that battle so they wouldn’t have to fight their former House mates.

    10. HamlindigoBlue*

      I just finished Sherlock Holmes: The Devil’s Daughter. A couple of hours ago, I bought Pumpkin Jack. I haven’t downloaded it yet, but it looks like it will be fun.

    11. allathian*

      I’ve been playing chess with my son. He usually beats me hands down. I’ve already asked him to let me play with the white pieces more often, but soon I’m going to have to ask him to spot me a pawn to let me win at least 1 out of 10 games… That said, I love it that we can play chess together.

  5. PrincessB*

    I’m going into week 3 of vegetarianism. I was never interested before but have had to make the switch due to health issues. What are your favorite, quick, savory, vegetarian meals? So far mine are veggie sandwiches ( spinach, cucumber, tomato, onion), sometimes with a soy ‘chicken’ patty, usually not. Or a baked sweet potato with different topping combinations. One thing I’ve found with eating plant based is I get hungry more often. I’m looking for ideas.

    1. anon2*

      Don’t forget to consider things you were probably already eating — pasta, mac and cheese, tomato soup, beans and rice, oatmeal, peanut butter and jelly …

    2. Sandy*

      Broccoli and tofu with peanut butter sauce – love it! If you think you don’t like tofu, try freezing it first as it changes the texture.

      If your getting hungry try adding beans or lentils to dishes – even just adding hummus to your sandwiches will make it more filling. Veggie chilli is very savoury and just as good without the meat.

    3. Kali*

      Chocolate covered Katie and the Happy Herbivore both have good recipes. They’re less relevant because they’re vegan not vegetarian, but you can always sub in dairy or eggs if desired.

    4. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

      I find adding a bit of avocado to plant-based dishes helps with feeling satisfied for longer.
      One of my quick quick faves is a green smoothie with a frozen banana, half an avo, handful of spinach and coconut water – that can keep me going almost all day.
      I also put some in açai bowls, and I’ve even added it to warm dishes. It makes pumpkin soup extra creamy and it can be really nice in pasta sauce chopped up and added at the end so it *just* warms through.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        Any healthy fat helps (avocado hater here), but so does making sure you’re getting your complex carbs & protein. I always feel full after beans & rice or Indian food.

    5. Oatmeal Baby Bump*

      If you’re getting hungry, I would add healthy fats in the form of nuts, grains, vegetable oils as well as some quantities of cheeses into your dishes. I’m talking cheeses like feta cheese (great with roasted root vegetables in a warm salad), goat cheese (great in salads), paneer. And don’t forget wholegrains on the side in the form of brown rice, bulgur, wholegrain pasta etc. Beans and lentils are also cornerstones for most of my vegetarian friends’ diets. They give you protein, keep you full for longer and are so versatile.

      Also: Indian cuisine. If you don’t like the spice, you can lower the amounts of spices used but Indian dishes are really some of the most amazing vegetarian foods in the world. I love palak paneer, aloo gobi, chana masala, paneer makhani.. There’s a lot of variety, a lot of simple, affordable ingredients like potatoes, chickpeas, cauliflower used and usually the preparation doesn’t take that long. You do need some spices in the cupboard to get the flavors right but you can also buy spice mixes. They also make for great work lunches! I remember eating chana masala with basmati rice for 4 days in a row at work after cooking a big patch on Sunday, and not being tired of it.

      1. Clementine*

        Seconding the healthy fats to help with feeling full. Adding hummus or avocado to the veggie sandwich you mentioned.

      2. Parenthetically*

        Gosh yes — I’m a confirmed omnivore but vegetarian Indian food is so incredibly diverse, flavorful, and creative that you could cook a different AMAZING veg Indian dish three days a week and not run out of options for a decade, and probably lower your grocery bill a ton in the process. Nav ratan korma, saag paneer, tarka dal are all favorites around here.

    6. Anono-me*

      I try to make up a big pot of “lots of” beans soup every few weeks. (I freeze some for weeks 2 & 3) It is pretty versatile and it seems to fill people up.

      There are lots of good recipes, but mine is a handful of this and a pinch of that so I don’t have a good recipe to share. You might also like the ham beans brand 15 bean soup mix to start with (I think the seasoning package is ‘ham flavor’ not ‘ham’.).

      1. SheLooksFamiliar*

        A friend makes a great vegetarian navy bean soup, with sourdough bread, Cheddar cheese cubes, and sliced apples on the side. It’s a filling and delicious meal, and she won’t give me the recipe. Maybe she uses that brand…

    7. Erika22*

      – Burrito bowls are fast and easy to customize
      – veggie tacos
      – veggie stuffed peppers
      – simple bean/cheese/rice burritos and freeze some so you can eat them quickly as needed
      – ramen and udon noodles tossed with peanut sauce/other sauce and veggies
      – lentil and sweet potato curry – sounds complicated but it’s really just tossing the ingredients in and letting them simmer for ~30 until soft. You can add paneer too!
      – Japanese curry is fast if you use the curry blocks – I cook some zucchini/carrots/potatoes, make instant rice, make the sauce, voila
      – veggie chili
      – Korean pancakes (jeon)
      – falafel wraps
      – get some frozen veggie burgers to have on hand, then you can use these as filling in tacos, on salad, or for their intended burger purpose!

      General tip – I add Greek yogurt as a topping/dip for extra protein (when it fits – like in a wrap or as a substitute for sour cream) – it’s very versatile!

    8. AcademiaNut*

      The trick is to have something that protein heavy and filling, to replace the meat – just veggies and starch is likely to leave you hungry quickly. Some of my favourite veggie main courses:

      Chana masala – hearty chickpea curry with a tomato based gravy.
      Mixed vegetable sambar – vegetables cooked in a flavourful lentil broth (seasoned with a coriander heavy spice blend and tamarind paste)
      Rice and dhal. There’s a reason it’s a staple meal in India :-)
      Shakushka – a thick tomato, onion and pepper based sauce, with eggs baked into the top. Serve with bread or pitas to mop up the juice.
      Bean and cheese burritos or enchiladas.
      Pitas stuffed with falafels or lentil patties and vegetables
      Mushroom spinach quiche

      There’s a vegetarian place near work that does good rice bowls – brown rice, tempeh, kimchii, seaweed, baby corn, shredded carrot and a sesame dressing.

      Also, a lentil patty that I really like
      – soak red lentils for about 4 hours in cold water
      – meanwhile, sautee a similar volume of mushrooms and onions
      – drain, toss everything in a food processor with salt, garlic, fresh basil, lemon juice , and just enough water to turn it into a paste. It will still be very soft but will firm up while cooking.
      – spoon a patty’s worth into a lightly oiled non stick pan on medium heat, cook until browned on both side and cooked through. Use like falafels in pita, or as a burger base, or by itself. They freeze well.
      – it’s a pretty flexible recipe – you just need enough of the soaked lentils to bind things (all lentils works too), and whatever seasoning you like.

    9. Lena Clare*

      I love Sasha Gill’s Blackfruit & Blue Ginger cookbook. It’s plant based. I think it’s called something different in the U.S. It has loads of great recipes in. One of my favourites is the ‘butter chicken’ (I use shop-bought ‘chicken’), and the peddler’s noodles.
      I love veggie lasagne or bolognaise with pea mince.
      I make a tomato sauce with onion, carrot, and garlic fried in olive oil, then tinned tomatoes, stock, tomato purée, white wine, dried mixed herbs and dried basil, reduced down, then add the cooked mince. It’s very tasty and can be frozen easily.

      I also make homemade coleslaw a lot – grated carrot and cabbage with vegan mayo. It’s very nice in a toasted pita with some sweet chili sauce, and with or without vivera ‘kebab meat’ or falafel.

    10. Garden Pidgeons*

      I find gnocchi really useful for this, because it cooks quite quickly – something like https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/gnocchi-courgette-mascarpone-spring-onions or gnocchi with a tin of tomatoes and ricotta combined into a sauce with some olives.

      The raqaq u addas recipe from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/29/yotam-ottolenghi-bethlehem-recipes-broad-beans-maftoul-lentils-chicken-stew is also a go-to quick dinner staple.

      For WFH lunches, though, I’ll normally just boil some filled pasta, or have packet soup with some bread.

    11. Oui oui*

      A few times a week, this is my go-to: I mix a half can of pinto beans with a half avocado, one tomato, several green onions, plus salt and garlic powder. It’s delicious and filling!

    12. SoulToast*

      Black bean soup
      2 cans black beans (rinsed), 1 can vegetable stock, 1 cup Salsa, 1-2 tsp cumin, blend and heat. Top as you like with Tortilla chips, green onions, avocado, sour cream and cheese. Super easy to make and tastes great.

    13. Loopy*

      This suggestion may not really be super quick but I’ve been vegetarian for 10 years and hate cooking (and think about meals) so I get subscription meal boxes for vegetarian meal ideas. Almost all of the popular ones have vegetarian options and often I’ll scout out the quicker/easier recipes. It’s been a great super easy way to find and try vegetarian meals. Pretty much all of them offer discounts to start, which helps!

      They aren’t always the healthiest vegetarian meals though, if that’s a consideration.

      1. SuperScout*

        Spouse is vegetarian and I’m not. I did Hello Fresh and, though good, I found that the portions for meatless meals still left me hungry. That seems like a better option for meat eaters. If the meal deliveries that you’ve tried, what’s your favorite?

    14. Legalchef*

      Yeah, it sounds like you need to add protein. I make a chickpea salad all the time that’s super easy and good. Just rinse and drain and can of chickpeas, and add that to a bowl w cucumbers (cut so they are around the same size as the chickpeas), tomatoes, minced red onion, and maybe some diced peppers. Add salt and pepper, drizzle on evoo and red wine vinegar. Mix it up and let it sit for a bit. Often I’ll add some avocado right before I eat.

      This week I made an orzo pasta salad for lunch – orzo, chickpeas, cucumbers, peppers, baby spinach, feta, olives, and a dressing made from evoo, lemon juice, and oregano.

    15. Bobina*

      As others have said, more protein and good fats will probably help with the feeling fuller thing.

      I’m generally bad at quick cooking so I’m more of a batch cook person, but things I like to do are roast a lot of vegetables and then use them in hearty salads throughout the week. Or big stews that can be frozen work well.

      You mentioned sweet potatoes so just thought I’d plug this recipe for twice baked sweet potatoes by Rick Martinez – I havent actually made it but all the reviews from people seem to be good so far and its on my to do list for this weekend hopefully. youtube. com/watch?v=JDEsyKzdYk0

    16. nep*

      Second the suggestions about beans and oils.
      I like to simmer garbanzo beans with cut-up potato–salt, pepper, turmeric, and some coconut oil.
      Do you eat quinoa? It messes with my stomach, otherwise I’d have it often. Nutritious and filling.
      Oatmeal keeps me full for a good while.

    17. Sled dog mama*

      If you are eating eggs/dairy quiche is a great option. You can put many different things in it and it makes enough for several meals.

    18. Not So NewReader*

      Protein is what stays with us. So you may want to consider looking at how much plant protein you are getting per meal. I know this can be a real pain, I worked with a plant based protein drink until I got myself sorted out in my own setting.

      Don’t forget to watch your water intake. Some of those hunger pains may actually be thirst. Getting a regular amount of water into you each day will kick the pangs back some.

    19. Hotdog not dog*

      Farro with chopped veggies…I just had it with broccoli, roasted red peppers, and marinated artichoke hearts. You can add whatever vegetables you like. The Farro has fiber and protein which keeps you feeling satisfied.

    20. Doctor is In*

      I love tempeh. it’s cheap, lots of protein, and like chicken, you can season it with ANYTHING. Microwave a few minutes or put it in the oven for 15 minutes in foil.

    21. Charlotte Lucas*

      Any healthy fat helps (avocado hater here), but so does making sure you’re getting your complex carbs & protein. I always feel full after beans & rice or Indian food.

      Deborah Madison & Madhuri Jaffrey both have great vegetarian cookbooks. I also like Mark Bittmann’s Hot to Cook Everything Vegetarian & America’s Test Kitchen’s Complete Vegetarian Cookbook.
      When

    22. Other Meredith*

      My go to vegetarian meals are all soup. I used to think soup was hard, but it’s actually very easy, just harder than opening a can. If you’re still eating cheese, and chunky vegetable soup with grilled cheese is my favorite vegetarian meal. Just make sure you use veggie broth instead of chicken.

      I also like to make a spicy lentil mixture then put it on a tostada shell with veggies. Very good and filling.

    23. Sooda Nym*

      For a while, while you are adapting, can you “lean in” to that frequent hunger by keeping lots of healthy snacks on hand? A handful of nuts, carrots & hummus, cheese (with or without crackers), hard-boiled eggs, etc.? If you are in situations where it’s hard to eat between meals, this might not work, but otherwise, it may help you be comfortable with experimenting to find meals you like without the worry that you might get hungry too soon.

      My favorite, super-easy meatless meal is a black bean quesadilla (black beans, cheese and salsa between a couple of tortillas – I usually just heat it up in a saute pan). Serve with or without sour cream.

      Also, it’s not super easy, but it makes a lot and re-heats well (so the 2nd and 3rd meal will be easy…) try Smitten Kitchen’s Mushroom Marsala Pasta Bake. I’m not a vegetarian, but my son is, and this is one of his favorites.

      1. PrincessB*

        Thanks so much everyone! I woke up to this wonderful list. I did cook some lentils in week one but I haven’t been diligent about complex carbs and good fats. I’m excited again to add more variety.

      2. Jackalope*

        A friend introduced me to sweet potato burritos which are wonderful. She roasts sweet potatoes (with a seasoning of salt, pepper, cumin, garlic powder, onion powder, cayenne pepper, and chili pepper; can be adapted as needed), then cooks them with scrambled eggs (2-3), cheese, and a bit of corn. Eat them in tortillas with some salsa. They are so good! And if you roast 2 sweet potatoes you can eat this all week if you want; that’s the long part, the rest takes pretty much as long as you need to scramble the eggs. And it has some nice oomph.

    24. Mx*

      Add more protein : quinoa (has all the essential amino-acids), lentils, chick peas, kidney beans.
      An important thing is to combine pulses and whole grains together.
      Also omelettes and scrambled eggs will be good to start the day. Add a handful of nuts and seeds every day.
      Add healthy fats for satiety: olive oil, avocado.

    25. MEH*

      I make a veggie fried rice that is pretty easy. Steam the veggies (I use sugar snap peas, broccoli, and mushrooms) and fry already-cooked rice. Then, toss it all together and drizzle soy sauce over it. You can add scrambled eggs on top (I use Just Egg because I’m dairy-free) and it’s a very satisfying meal.

      1. MEH*

        Sorry. The Just Egg is because I’m trying to cut out animal products rather than because I’m dairy-free (which I also am). There’s no dairy in eggs, of course!

        1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

          I love Just Egg! I found out a few years back (at flippin 54!) that I was allergic to eggs. Oh and soy (and and). Just eggs is the only one that I’ve found without soy.
          My fav Just Egg recipe has just a bit of herbs de provence, pepper & (softened) goat cheese. Delish!

    26. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Add some pesto your sandwiches! Its so good! Or a red (bell) pepper spread. Or an eggplant spread!
      Or slice some eggplant, lightly coat with oil, touch of salt and sauteed or grill. I generally do some red bell and onion while I’m at it. A little pesto, goat cheese, thin sliced cucumber and lettuce/micro greens and yum! My daughter likes hers with sprouts, but I’ve been pescatarian for 40+ years, and for a LONG time every single resteraunt had sprouts in the veg offerings. I even grew them myself (so easy). I am so done with sprouts! Hahahaha!
      Minestroni soup, potato soup, chili,
      (I have a fab veg chili recipe, if you want it).
      Do you still eat fish? Chicken recipes work very well with white fishes. My family is not pesc, so I will make them chicken and me fish using the same recipe. Little tweaks is all you need. Like veg broth instead of a meat broth.

    27. Derivative Poster*

      I agree with a lot of the other comments and recommendations. A few more:
      – Isa Chandra Moskovitz has some great cookbooks. They’re vegan but my omnivore spouse likes a lot of the recipes.
      – Seasoned baked tofu (you can buy premade or make your own) is a good thing to keep on hand. You can add it to sandwiches, salads, etc. to make them more filling.
      – Recently I’ve gotten Daily Harvest deliveries which have helped me eat healthy when I’m busy. If you’re in the USA you might want to look into it.

    28. RagingADHD*

      Black bean “stuff” that can work as burrito filling, a rice bowl, or if made juicier, a soup.

      Super easy and cheap:

      1-2 cans beans
      frozen corn
      frozen spinach
      jar salsa

      I like the proportions of 2 parts beans to about 1 part of each other ingredient, but it’s very flexible. For a filling/topping, drain the beans. For soup, don’t (or add back a can of water).

      Dump everything in a pot and heat on medium-high until it reaches a low boil, stirring frequently. Turn to med-low and simmer until it reaches desired consistency.

    29. Marillenbaum*

      My go-to lazy meal: a chopped sweet potato and sliced Brussels sprouts, seasoned and roasted and topped with a poached egg.
      Also Indian food! I have been learning Bengali cooking lately, and there are so many delicious vegetarian dishes.

    30. Sam I Am*

      I’ll just add 2 things:
      *lentils cook fast, no need to soak, while being the most protein dense plant food.
      *it took about 6 months for me to get used to feeling “full” was not the same as “having meat in my stomach.” They felt totally different to me. Vegetarian since ’94, haven’t missed meat since that initial adjustment. Give yourself time. Good luck!

  6. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

    Plant/gardening thread! How are your green babies doing?

    Keen to hear about anyone’s hits and misses with liquid fertiliser… I’ve given my indoor plants 2 weak feeds this summer (a lot less than the packet instructions!) and some of them are thriving, while others have older leaves yellowing/dropping and/or fresh growth going blackened or mushy since the second feed :(

    1. WoodswomanWrites*

      I put a small cutting of a succulent in a vase with water on my desk at work, right before the pandemic hit. I brought it home and with everything else going on, it stayed in that little vase with with only water for 10 months. That tenacious plant even managed to grow a few tiny leaves until I finally put it in soil last week. Being all roots and almost nothing else, it’s very happy to at last be able to grow properly.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        Oh, I wouldn’t have thought succulents could propagate in water… interesting to know they can!

    2. Not Australian*

      I’m planning to try ‘patio potatoes’ this year because my raised beds will not be ready in time to plant much before the autumn. (A lot of infrastructure still to do, and the weather at the moment isn’t very encouraging.) I’d be interested to know if anyone on here has experience with them and how successful they were?

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        I haven’t personally, but my former gardening-bestie coworker used to have heavy clay soil, so she’d grow potatoes in hessian bags filled with layers of soil, compost and sugar cane mulch rather than raised beds. They’d grow like mad for her and my mouth is still watering at her descriptions of freshly steamed, homegrown new potatoes with butter and garden herbs!
        After harvesting, she’d break up the hessian and dig the mix into the ground. She’d move her potato patch a bit each harvest, so over time she got enough organic matter into the clay soil so that it could drain and she could plant other things. I thought that was really clever!

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I sheepishly admit I never harvested last summer’s accidental potatoes from their planter — optimum harvest time came when I was focused on other things. I consoled myself by deciding to replant them in a bigger and more easily harvested container next year. I’m thinking about a potato tower because it could go on top of the still-rocky parts of the garden terrace I’m slowly reclaiming. I’m glad to hear catmeme’s friend had success with hessian/burlap because that in a wire-fence frame is what looks the easiest for me. Bags tied to fence posts some day — but right now I have no fence.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have to repot my peace lily and pothos this weekend – the peace lily has more roots than soil and she’s floppy and not absorbing well as a result, and I think the pothos is too crowded and showing signs of root rot :(

      I’ve only given one hit of fertilizer to my plants – the bottle says to do once a month and I did New Year’s Day, so a second round is coming up theoretically, but I’ve also read that one shouldn’t fertilize some plants during the winter or more than every 3-4 months so I’m not sure now. :-P

      I ordered my oxalis bulbs so I can plant those in a couple weeks and give them a couple months in the garage; hopefully they should sprout about the time it’s safe to put them outside! My purple pepper seeds are en route, and I have to start pondering what else I want to do in terms of container veg.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        That’s odd about your pothos… you’ve mentioned previously you go light on watering so it’s strange it’s showing signs of rot..? I’m a chronic overwaterer and though I’ve killed several plants that way, pothos has never been one. So I’m really curious to know what you find out when you lift it out to repot it! In either case though it wouldn’t hurt to take a bunch of cuttings early before the rot travels through?

        The liquid fertiliser I bought says to apply every 1-2 weeks through spring and summer. My applications were 6-8 weeks apart starting late spring and more diluted than the recommendation. The anthurium, ficus, crassula and aglaonema are going wild for it but everything else is somewhere between meh and NOPE! My huge philodendrons are hating on me big time :(

        I’ve been following your watering advice on the spider plant since I potted it up and so far so good – even a new shoot :)

        Oh, and oxalis – the faux summer hibernation on mine worked! It sent up a healthy shoot this week, and while it’s just the one leaf so far it’s so worth the effort for the gorgeous foliage.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, I don’t know for sure that that’s the issue with the pothos, but the soil has been moist enough to the touch that I haven’t watered it in probably two and a half weeks, and some of the leaves are still yellowing, and some quick and dirty internet research suggested that the combo of moist soil without recent watering plus yellowing leaves might indicate root rot. But even if the roots are still okay, there’s just so much plant in the pot that it’s hard to get in to feel the soil, so I think it’s probably a little crowded anyway, and I’m def going to try to take a couple cuttings :)

          Yay on your spider plant! My second one (the first baby from the original) is probably going to need a bigger pot soon, I think there’s root tips starting to poke out the drainage hole. I repotted the mama last week because her pot was pretty much solid roots, and she seems to have come through that okay, babies 2&3 are still growing and looking good. :)

          I’m super stoked about the oxalis. I have two different purple types coming, plus a few bulbs for a variant that’s green foliage with purple “crosses” in the middle of the leaf clusters. (I think it’s called iron cross oxalis?)

          1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

            Hm, could it be drainage..? If it’s that overgrown the roots might have blocked the holes..? They’re so hardy though, I’m sure it’ll come back beautifully once you repot it.

            I’d be super excited about the oxalis too, especially getting so many varieties! It took me about 2 years combing nurseries to find ONE… which is why I’m trying so hard to keep it alive! I have the purple triangularis.

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              I found a toooooon of them in different variants on Etsy, but as I recall you’re down under, yeah? I have no idea if that’s a viable option for you :(

              Both my purple purple ones are triangularis, I guess one is solid purple and the other is … purple and dark purple? I figure I’ll mix them all up in the two pots and hopefully have a good and appealing assortment :)

              1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

                Not really unfortunately :( There’s not that many AU plant sellers on Etsy, and our bio security is super strict.

                I have the royal purple inside / inky purple around the outside one. The leaves look like butterflies, so pretty!

          2. Reba*

            Oh yeah, pothos sounds like it could be signs of stress from being potbound! It might benefit from a root trim and repot, and winter is usually a good time for that.

    4. Bobina*

      Hm. I’ve never had an issue with liquid fertilizer, but from your description, sounds like it could be a lot of things! Is it a balanced fertilizer or heavy on one specific element? Did the plants need it (its possible to damage plants by over-fertilizing)? Did they need more? Are the other things like soil and light conditions right? Could it be a pest or disease of some kind?

      I would say its probably worth looking up what that kind of behaviour means for the specific plants and then figuring out whether they need more or a different kind of feed, or if its something else entirely.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        It’s supposed to be a balanced fertiliser… but you’re making me wonder now if it’s thrown something OUT of balance for those particular plants? Maybe they just prefer poor soil..? Maybe it’s thrown out the pH..?
        The worst affected plants are well established, in pots with old mix that should really have benefited from the feed, so I don’t get it. So far nothing helpful in my books or by googling.
        I’m 99% sure it’s the fertiliser because the damage started showing only a week after and nothing else has changed. Light, water etc is reasonably consistent. Pests are also consistent (yay Australia!) but I’m always on the lookout for them so they never get settled in enough to cause big problems.

        1. Bobina*

          It could have! I did a bunch of reading when I was on my big gardening kick in November and found one article which said liquid fertilizer can throw things out of balance by killing some of the good organisms in soil and then its essentially impossible to ever recover other than repotting into fresh soil and never using it again (OR committing to keep using it). I was mildly dubious (the website seemed a bit on the “all man made things are evil” side and its the only place I’ve seen with that message) but its something I’ve kept in mind.

          Similarly I repotted a peperomia a few months ago into fresh compost and….its looked terrible since then. Turns out they like really poor quality soil and can actually die given too much nutrients, so I’m going to need to repot that once its a bit warmer into something thats less “good”.

          One resource I like to always start with is the RHS website – they usually have good plant specific pages. I usually then try to cross reference with other plant websites and if there’s a consensus on the plant care/advice then I try to follow that generally.

          1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

            Huh, I wasn’t thinking about microbials but that would actually make a lot of sense as to why even just a weak feed is affecting established plants more! Maybe I’ll try repotting the smallest to see if that helps. Thanks :)

            Also interesting to note your experience with peperomia. I’ve all but given up on them. They hate me for some reason but flourish for my Dad who gives them no love. Might explain it!

    5. Drtheliz*

      I’m stuck at “hope the indoor babies don’t die before I move/get back to the office” – we really don’t get enough light for them, but New House will. Outdoor babies are sleeping under a good 5cm of snow, so there’s not much to do there :p

    6. fposte*

      Earlier this year, I had a horrible and hilarious experience with fish emulsion that had apparently started to ferment in the bottle and when opened sprayed all over my kitchen like Diet Coke and Mentos. So a brown fountain not just of fish emulsion, but *rotten* fish emulsion. The smell was so bad it was sort of amazing (and I hate fish at the best times).

      So now my plants can yellow all they want. I’m not touching the stuff again.

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        Noooooo! Omg, the fresh stuff smells bad enough I can’t even imagine –and in the kitchen too! I mean, that’s hilarious and I’m laughing but also feeling very sorry for you having to clean that up because I bet it took days to get rid of the smell!

        1. fposte*

          I have a 1950s kitchen, which I love, and it has a metal Hudee ring around the sink edge. I had to go around there with a freaking toothpick.

          I was at least glad I hadn’t opened it in a less wipeable room.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Isn’t your profile pic a fish? I’m inordinately amused that you dislike fish with that in your pic.

        1. fposte*

          I never even thought about that! But it’s a fish that (spoiler) meets a bad end, so maybe that’s why I like it.

      3. acmx*

        This scares me! LOL I have organic plant food and it turns out it is seafood based. And then someone said it was fish poop. It smells disgusting as is…I can’t imagine what happened to you!
        (I hate fish, too)

        1. fposte*

          It was a practically brand new container. My guess is that there was some little air hole that jump started the process. And then the instructions tell you to shake well…

    7. CatCat*

      My Aerogardens are two weeks old and everything has sprouted. The lettuces are especially taking off! At this rate, I’ll be enjoying some fresh letfuce in a couple weeks.

      I also put some green onion ends/roots in a little jar of water next to the Aerogardens and they’re really taking off too. I never had any luck trying to do that in our shady windowsill. The light from the Aerogardens (which is BRIGHT) is doing the trick.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        My aerogarden lettuces are also going gangbusters, and I feel you on the light – I straight up took the floor lamp out of the room the aerogarden is in because the thing lights the whole room so well!

      2. Natalie*

        I had to put ours in the basement. We have an open plan first floor and then it’s just bedrooms on the second floor, and it has to be on for so long when it’s herbs.

    8. Llama face!*

      One of my spider plant seeds sprouted! It is already about an inch tall and growing quite swiftly. In less good news, my starfish sanveria got a little overwatered and decided to die dramatically. I have taken a cutting and am letting the cut end callous over in the hope that I can propogate it and save a remnant of the original plant. I do also have a healthy pup from that snake plant growing in another pot so saving the cutting would be a bonus.

      1. Llama face!*

        I see my touchscreen decided to not bother with a few letters I typed. That should say “sansevieria”

    9. Can't Sit Still*

      My hedgehog aloe is in full bloom. It really seems to like my east facing balcony, which gets lots of morning sun and is mostly protected from the wind. I brought it inside during the windstorm last week, because I didn’t want to lose the flowers and it didn’t seem to mind the change in temperature too much.

      I really want more indoor plants, though. Any suggestions for low light, pet safe plants?

      1. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

        Low light is tricky. I usually have to rotate mine periodically so they still get enough light to thrive. But my cast iron plant (aspidistra) is bulletproof and apparently they’re non toxic?

      2. Reba*

        Peace lily aka Spathiphyllum (not true lilies, that’s just the common name). They can live with basically no natural light at all, but they benefit from a little indirect light (never direct) in order to grow and flower. They are super resilient too.

    10. Jenny*

      So I just bought a house and the seller gave me a list of his fruit trees. There are a lot. Paw paws and persimmons, a few kids of apples, it’s two pages.

      And uhh… what do I do? Can anyone recommend some resources?

      1. Reba*

        Wow, cool! I hope he also left you the name of a decent arborist.

        There is a group/website called “Orchard People” that might be a good resource.

      2. Bobina*

        If they are fully established, I’d say you probably dont have to do much other than prune and reap the fruits of his labour! Maybe some basic maintenance every so often like mulching, but hopefully not too much more than that.

        But otherwise I’d say maybe ask around for local gardeners for advice (or ask him yourself!)

        I’m also super jealous, would love to have loads of fruit trees!

    11. JobHunter*

      I bought several packets of herb and heirloom tomato seeds today! I’m going to get another shelf unit and light system and set up flats of herbs. I’ll donate a bunch of small plants to the spring Master Gardener scholarship sale. It sounds like the local group is considering a curbside pickup arrangement. (Other suggestions are welcome!)

      My houseplant results: I have been overrun by spider plants and transcendantias. I killed a frosty fern that was gifted to me :( and am waiting for eucalyptus seeds to germinate.

      1. Grizabella the Glamour Cat*

        I know, right? The tiny white paws, the dreamy expression, the fluffy cloud like cat bed…. *sigh* It’s just precious!

  8. Lifelong student*

    Yarn crafts thread- what’s on your hook, needles, or loom this week?
    I just finished a mosaic crochet blanket. It is easier than it looks in many ways but did require constant reference to the pattern because the repeat changes every other row. Nice thing is very few ends to weave in because the yarn is carried up the side so even though there are color changes every other row, the finishing is not tedious.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve just recently started crocheting again. It’s been probably 10 years since I’ve done it. I bought a skein of purple ombre yarn, some new hooks, and just started making a chain stitch. It took me maybe 15 minutes to get the muscle memory back so it wasn’t very even, but it was good practice. I then just started crocheting without any thought as to what I was making. By the time I finished the skein, I had a cat bed-sized blanket. I used it as a cover for the piano bench that’s in my office. I bought more yarn, same color, and I’ll probably make a blanket. I just like having something to do with my hands while I watch TV or I’m sitting at my work desk and need a brain break. Plus it feels productive and relaxing at the same time.

      I want to get back into counted cross stitch. I’m searching my house high and low for a cross stitch kit I was working on at least 10 years ago and can’t find it anywhere. I remember seeing it, putting it into a plastic bag, and then putting it on a high shelf. I then remember taking it down while cleaning and thinking that I don’t really want to finish it, and that the person it was intended for I wasn’t close with at the time. I was looking for it because a couple weeks ago I decided that I’d finish it and give it to a relative who is religious (it’s “Footprints in the Sand”). But I can’t find it anywhere. I have a feeling I tossed it.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I finished knitting the awesomest Star Wars scarf and I am showing it off to anyone who will hold still. Link to follow, hopefully.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            The colored yarn is a cake of Lion Brand Mandala; the black is two balls of Knit Picks Palette. :) I started knitting it just for fun, and I got about a third of the way through and my husband was like “soooooo who is that for?” The night I finished it, he went down to the grocery store for soda just so he had an excuse to wear it :)

    3. nep*

      I don’t do anything along these lines, but just chiming in to ask whether y’all have seen the crochet Bernie With Mittens. (Hope this doesn’t break the no-politics rules.) Anyway it’s adorable.

      2. Tortally HareBrained*

        I got sent the Bernie with mittens doll by several people on social media. I was happy to see the creator Tobey Time Crochet auctioned her original doll on eBay to give the profits to Meals on Wheels. She raised over $20,000!

        1. nep*

          Yes. I think the first one sold for $20,300. Brilliant, and that she’s giving it to a great cause.
          (And if you’re familiar with the online snowflake maker, I saw one where someone made an image of Bernie with mittens. Amazing.)

      3. Xenia*

        You should see cross stitching boards right now. Can’t turn around without running into a mittened Bernie

    4. Usernames are hard*

      I tend to have several knitting projects going at once so I can pick up what I’m in the mood for. Currently 4 sweaters at different stages of completion, a lap blanket, and a shawl that I’ll probably finish today because there’s only about 12 rows left.

    5. Otter Dance*

      I have been knitting fingerless mitts with sock yarn. Each pair takes only a few days. I’m on my fourth pair this month: white with eyelets; rust hand-dyed with nupps and twisted stitches (Ravelers, look up Kujeillen); color-changing in ribs with just a few cables, that came out very fraternal; and a sideways design with short rows to make the thumbs, currently in process.

      I just received a new package of yarn, so I’m prepared to stay inside out of the snow for quite a while.

      Has anyone else worked with a yarn with a “metallic” strand? I’m finding that the Mylar is broken a LOT, just from being wound into a ball. Is this typical?

    6. Never Nicky*

      Currently I’m about halfway through knitting a baby blanket for my cousin’s second one who is due around my partner’s birthday. I’m doing the same design as for their sibling but a different colour. Fortunately UK to US mail seems to be leaving the country now at least.

      For myself, I’m stitching a sampler – Stars by The Drawn Thread. I treated myself by having it kitted up with linen fabric and silk threads and it has been a joy to stitch. I’ve the speciality stitches and buttons to do so I may finish it tomorrow.

    7. Pippa K*

      A simple scarf with leno borders is on my loom, as a sort of test weave for a new (to me) alpaca/silk yarn. So far I love it – soft and fine but still strong enough to use as warp, and it’s a gorgeous dark teal shade. But of course you never know until it’s wet finished, so fingers crossed!

    8. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I am currently on row 143 on my loomed afghan. I have only loomed hats before. I get bored with this. I think that I prefer crochet, but I have crocheted anything in at least a decade, so .
      I’ve got a few Blackwork projects going, but haven’t been working on them for a few reasons (I need new glasses, I’ve been reading a lot, I’m lazy, and I am sad all the time).
      The afghan is a gift for my nibbling, and I’m hoping to finish very soon.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Advice welcome

      I’m still trying to master even rows/ rectangles in crochet. I have been using vibrant nylon scrubby yarn, and I’m on ugly dishcloth number 10. Maybe in part due to some of them being done by feel.(eyes elsewhere). But even when I concentrate, I drop.or add stitches ar the ends of rows, so uneven.

      I am enjoying them greatly, joyful even to have a soothing outlet. But afraid to move “up” to a scarf or blanket because bigger just means more uneven until I figure out what I’m doing wrong. (Sometimes I do pull it out to a big problem area.and redo it).

      Advice? I am getting calm and eating less…and so far.my kind friends have loved the useful nylon scrubby dishcloths.

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        Try putting a stitch marker (official one, Bobby pin, or paper clip) in the first and last stitch of every row. I’d imagine when using scrubby yarn that would make it hard to see the stitches so you may have to do more counting. For your first larger project I’d pick a stitch/yarn combo that made the stitches easier to see so you can know if you are skipping stitches or adding them, which will contribute to the unevenness.

        1. NoLongerYoung*

          Thank you! Yes, the scrubby is hard to see as it is eyelashy. The one I tried with a more traditional nylon thread, in both a circle and a rectangle, were fine… so maybe it has to do with that!. (also a tiny vision problem – blind as a bat, and sometime have to take off the glasses and hold it up to my face to see if I missed a stitch…)

      2. Christmas Carol*

        Are you sure you are counting your turning chains correctly? i.e. The same way the pattern writer indended.

    10. more latte plz?*

      Socks for hubby of a Norwegian star/snowflake design. My third start? Even after swatching. sigh. Although I’m not that old (50’s) my hands are quite arthritic, and my gauge really changes as I knit a lot and my hands get tired.

    11. Squeebird*

      My mother-in-law got me an embroidery for beginners kit for Christmas and I’ve been diligently plucking away at it in the evenings. It’s so relaxing! Like colouring but with thread. Highly recommended.

    12. HamlindigoBlue*

      I joined a test knit group and am working on a cardigan with a lot of intarsia. It’s been a big twisty mess, and I’ve realized that I’m no good at estimating how much yearn I need for the blocks of color. That said, it is coming along nicely, but I’ll be glad when it’s done.

      I also have a crochet dish cloth kit (Morning Sunburst Kitchen Set from KnitPicks) that I started right before the test knit began. I want to get back to that because it’s a lot of new (to me) stitches, and the projects are quick.

  9. Arya Parya*

    Thanks to everyone who gave me advice last week on how to deal with thick hair while the salons are closed. I got myself soms thinning sheers and am very happy with the results.

    1. Joan Rivers*

      Cutting your own hair is tricky at first but gets easier as you experiment. What’s nice is you can trim those pesky edges that might bother you, around your ear, say.
      I learned by spritzing my short hair w/water and sculpting it into the shape I wanted w/my hand, then trimming away the parts that were too long.

    2. Anon5775*

      I cut my own hair a few months ago but didn’t have thinning shears and that part made me nervous to do anyway. What was your technique to thin your own hair? I assume we’re talking about the type of shears that has lots of teeth?

      1. Arya Parya*

        It is indeed a shear with loads of teeth. I looked at some YouTube tutorials before I started.

        It’s basically feeling where it’s thick and cutting about half way in your hair, so not all the way at down at the base. Since you’re just thinning it and not cutting, you don’t really change your haircut. So it’s very forgiving and I found I couldn’t really mess it up.

  10. Beancat*

    What is a time your pets showed you that they really understand?

    I’ve been in pain from my endometriosis surgery, so my husband and I agreed the cats can’t lay on me. I’ve been afraid that they’ll give up on trying to be with me if we have to keep moving them, but the larger and gentler one adapted almost immediately and lays beside me. Sometimes he’ll shift to lay across my knees, but no higher. Once he laid on my knees and went to sleep but didn’t get any closer. It was so sweet and I felt he understood something was wrong. I think animals do genuinely understand.

    1. Not Australian*

      I had an unexpected trip to hospital recently and spent about three hours in A&E getting diagnosed with what turns out to be a long-term lung condition. My usually standoffish cat refused to leave me all night; as a rule they both sleep in the kitchen and she knows exactly when it’s time to go downstairs and settle on her heated pad, but this time she clearly thought I needed her slumped against my tummy until breakfast time.

      She was quite right, too.

    2. Loopy*

      My dog has a very high emotional IQ and will stick to either of us when we are upset and be particularly loving and sweet (cuddling, trying to lick us). Once we were both upset in different parts of the house and he figured out which of us was more upset (crying instead of quietly sad) and chose to be next to that person.

      It doesn’t sound like much now that I type it out but if someone is any level of unhappy in our house, the dog is never ever ever anywhere else.

    3. Flower necklace*

      Animals can be very empathetic. My cat got sick with crystals the week after my father died. He was perfectly healthy up until that point. The crystals were caused by stress.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Yes, my cat got stress-related cystitis after my dad died. I agree animals respond to us emotionally.

    4. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I miss my cat so much at those times. The dog is happy to see everyone and always accepts a hug, but my cat… if I wasn’t doing well either physically or emotionally he would be curled up with me in bed as a little spoon. He would purr, and I would massage his wonderfully soft tummy fur. He seemed to understand what I needed, and wasn’t clingy at other times. The dog is great for the neighborhood as he loves hugs from strangers, and we nap on the couch many evenings, but when I’m feeling crappy there’s no difference.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      They understand so much and we just have to “listen” closer to see what they understand.
      My dog is part doctor. He knows when something is going wrong with me or a friend.

      But one day, HE had a problem. He was having trouble walking. As the morning went on he stopped trying to walk. He laid down and could not get up. I knew his problem had something to do with spine and hips, a structural issue. He’s a bouncy boy and jumps all over, rolls around then wonders why things hurt. But this day it was the worst I had ever seen. I called around and found a veterinary chiropractor who agreed to come over in a couple hours. (Transporting him would have caused more problems.) After speaking with her by phone, I went in and told my dog, “A nice lady is coming. She is going to help you.”
      I was blown away by what happened next. His eyes, that had been dulled from the pain, suddenly lit up like Christmas trees. I knew he understood. So I repeated it, “Yes, you’re getting this. The nice lady will help you.”
      When she arrived, the dog who would not stand up for anyone else, slowly stood up and slowly worked his way out to the living room to see her.
      He had never experienced a chiropractor prior to this. My usually bouncy, contrary boy just stood still and let the vet do what she needed to do. For months afterward he would mimic the activities she did with him to tell me and one of my friends that he needed a little help on a particular day. For example, she put her hand over his hip and gently tugged his leg. So he would stand backwards to us and lift up the one hind leg as if to say, “This side!” Of course, we obliged him. And I did get him back to the vet for some follow ups, also.
      I was amazed by how much he had learned and remembered from his doctor in ONE visit. Us humans don’t do this well.
      Now he has gotten used to her and he CRYS when he sees her coming up the walk. She can hear him wailing from her car and she starts laughing. He will try to show her what bothers him. She pays attention and helps him with it.

      2. Joan Rivers*

        That’s great! I always tell my pets what I’m doing w/them, or who they’re going to see.

        If you talk to them as if they understand, then they do.

    6. llamaswithouthats*

      I used to live with a roommate and her standoffish cat. However, whenever I wasn’t feeling well, he would come out of hiding to snuggle with me on the bed. It was so sweet. Cats have some sort of intuition I can’t explain.

    7. Jenny*

      I had a panic attack after coming home from the hospital from surgery (I don’t react well to opiods). My cat, who is not normally cuddly, sat on my lap with me.

    8. Blomma*

      A couple of years ago I broke my ankle. Because of some other health issues, the recovery was very long and painful. One evening, I was sitting on the couch with my foot propped up on my knee scooter with some ice packs. My cat (who, in our previous 11 years together, was not a lap cat at all) curled up half on the couch, half on my injured leg. She knew I was hurting and wanted to comfort me. Since then, she is more willing to occasionally sit on my lap and she curls up on my torso at bedtime.

    9. Jackalope*

      One of my cats – I call him my empath cat – will always come over and snuggle and purr if I start seriously crying (as opposed to, say, just tearing up a little).

      Also, the cats know when it’s dinner time and when I tell them it’s time to go downstairs they will often jump up off the bed and trot down to the basement where their food bowls are. Not quite what you were asking about perhaps but still helpful.

    10. WS*

      My mum is in hospital with pneumonia right now and her cat is patiently bringing all her favourite toys and placing them around her pillow to try to bring her home.

    11. Alex*

      Absolutely. My mom recently had major surgery and her cat curled up on the bed all day with her while she recovered. Her cat is NOT usually cuddly at all–she’s usually very active, running all over the place, and won’t be still to be petted.

    12. School Psych*

      My dog is not allowed in bed, but she hopped up there a few times when my husband was on a 6-month business trip abroad. It was like she knew I needed some extra love. She also likes to sleep in bed when we’re on vacation(we bring her dog bed, she just doesn’t use it). It’s like she’s taking a vacation from the house rules. Once we’re back home, she goes back to sleeping in her own space. One time I asked her if she wanted to go out when it was raining and I swear she shook her head no.

    13. Tabby*

      My kitty gets really insistent about becoming a hot water bottle when it’s that time of month. He’ll even occasionally try kneading my back. He’s actually really effective at pain relief.

    14. Bucky Barnes*

      There are so many instances. But one in particular stands out. Several years ago, I was going through something really traumatic. One night in particular, I kept waking up with awful nightmares. My loving but not incredibly cuddly cat spent the night next to me. Each time I woke up with a start, she was watching me and would rub my arm with her paw. She was wonderful.

  11. Seeking Second Childhood*

    A question for readers in or ancestral lyrics from south Asia — can I (white American) wear a kurta without offense?
    Yesterday PolarVortex mentioned them, I looked them up, and it’s something I’ve been wishing i could find for years. (Long visit to Denmark where friends were at university.)
    The simple ultra long tunic type worn with jeans or heavy leggings, if it matters.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “Ancestrally from”… totally did not type “ancestral lyrics.”
      I loathe autocorrect.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Off-topic but try fighting with autocorrect when you want to use non-English words in the middle of a sentence! (I suppose this happens with other languages also. Unfortunately I’m monolingual so can’t comment about trying to type in any language other than English.) That’s always a barrel of laughs when I’m trying to tell someone chag sameach (“happy holiday” in Hebrew) or zie gezunt (“be well” in Yiddish) via text. /s

        1. Jay*

          #notenoughJewsintech “Oy gevalt” also turns into some interesting things, and I think it just went haywire with “gefilte.”

        2. detaill--orieted*

          Heh! “Savta” (Hebrew for grandma) keeps turning into “Santa”. Not the same at all! (Although they both give you presents.)

        3. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Most definitely a problem! I sometimes have reason to write words in French and Danish and the results are very strange.
          “actually blue ” = sacre bleu.

          1. No Tribble At All*

            There is a solution! If you use an iPhone, you can add words to your dictionary by typing the word, then pausing and letting it highlight your word. Then tap the left of the 3 words above your keyboard— should be your word in quotes. That adds it to the dictionary and tells autocorrect “no, I want to keep this one.” You can also go into the settings menu and add the words manually. I don’t know what the shortcut is for android but I’m sure there’s a similar way to add to dictionary.

            Also on iPhone, you can add other languages to your keyboard so you can switch back and forth in between sentences. Not quite sure how but I always end to switching my boyfriend’s phone to Chinese (he’s learning it) when I steal his phone =.=

            1. Jackalope*

              On an iPhone, if you tap the button on the keyboard that takes you to the emojis page but then don’t select an emoji, then tap it again to go back to the keyboard (I’ve done this many times by accident when trying to go to the numbers and syllables page), it will instead switch you to the other keyboard. You can switch around and get back to English by pressing that button again until you’re back. In my case I look at the space bar since the word for space bar is different in all of the languages I have my phone set to display.

              1. Jean (just Jean)*

                Thanks for this explanation. I’ll try your suggestion when my currently over-extended brain can learn new tech skills. :-P

            2. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Alas I’m on a decrepit Android of a vintage that has a hard time adding things — and its speech-to-text is worse. I have been meaning to replace it since the Before Times but I have a severe case of analysis paralysis.

        4. Jackalope*

          I have 2 other languages I use sometimes so I have my phone set up with their keyboards so I can type in those languages and not have auto correct try to change my words back to English. It’s worked pretty well but sometimes has the funny side effect of having my auto correct change words in the middle of an all-English sentence to one of the other languages. I’ve sent some entertaining texts because of this!

          1. Observer*

            The thing with Hebrew and Yiddish, though, is that if you switch the language you get a different alphabet, which is fine if you are corresponding with someone who can read it, but there are a LOT more people who will understand something like Chag Sameach than will be able to actually read חג שמח. Also, switching alphabets for a word or two is a pain.

            I’ve found that if I use a word often enough, auto-correct will learn, at least using GBoard on Android. But for dictation? Oh, brother!

            I imagine the same thing is true for other situations where there are two alphabets involved.

    2. Bobina*

      I cant really comment on your specific situation but I do find it such a tricky one. I was in India for work a few years ago, and went shopping one evening with coworkers and bought some kurta’s and a dress. When I was in India, it felt fine to wear it even though I’m a foreigner because everyone seemed to appreciate that I was embracing their culture. But as soon as I got back to Europe, I was like – there is no way I can wear this without feeling really awkward. I think for me, the fact that in its context (ie in Asia) – a foreigner wearing it doesnt stand out, whereas as soon as you bring it to a place where its not the norm – it becomes a bit like, why is that person wearing something that doesnt belong to “their” culture.

      For what its worth, I feel like shirt dresses and long tunic type tops have become more popular again in recent years, and I’ve definitely seen things that are similar in shape and style to a kurta but different enough that you could probably wear them without feeling like you’re stepping on anyones toes. Although part of me is like, wouldnt it be nice to just be able to wear a kurta and celebrate and acknowledge another culture fully rather than water it down with an “almost” garment? I dont know.

      1. Reba*

        Yeah, I feel the same way! I have a lot of clothes from countries I’ve visited/lived in, and while I would wear them for a special occasion with members of the community here in the US, I wouldn’t feel comfortable just wearing them…around.

    3. Dwight Schrute*

      Hmm I wouldn’t. Context is important in these situations and I wouldn’t wear it here in the US. Although, I just asked my Indian SO about it and he said he wouldn’t be offended but it would raise some eyebrows here, not that he speaks for all South Asians.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        IMO, anyone wearing Indian outfits in the US would standout because, well, they are wearing Indian outfits in the US. It will turn some heads, with the exception of places like New York maybe.

        1. Dwight Schrute*

          Oh sorry; I meant to say he said it would raise eyebrows from other Indians who may already wear them. Sorry about the missing context

    4. aarti*

      Since you also mentioned tunic, I’m assuming you’re talking more about an American/European style tunic or shirtdress, which I can’t imagine would raise many eyebrows. Long shirts/tunics over leggings are super common in the USA.

      If you’re talking about an actual kurta bought from South Asia or a South Asian store in the US, I think it gets more complicated. Some desis love seeing white people wearing desi clothes. Growing up, my parents would get excited if they saw a white person wearing anything remotely Indian. My brother and I would make fun of them in Hindi. So not all South Asian people will react the same way!

      Realistically, if you wear a kurta around the US you may offend some desi people, but they will likely judge you silently and not say anything to your face. There’s a long history of South Asian immigrants in the US being teased, ostracized and even harassed for wearing their traditional dress. So it can sting a little bit to see white people happily cherry picking desi culture for whatever is currently deemed cool.

      I’m a desi raised in the USA FWIW.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        This is my experience as well. I also notice a lot of white hipsters use different cultures to brand themselves as “unique” compared to other “basic” white people (usually Black American and Indian cultures). It’s cringe, but I still don’t know if I would get worked up about a white person wearing a tunic. I think the issues run deeper than that, but requires more contemplation on my part.

    6. llamaswithouthats*

      My two cents as an American born South Asian descent person. I don’t see anything wrong with it but I recommend considering buying from a South Asian run business if that makes sense. However, I can’t promise you wouldn’t get criticized by others. I sometimes feel like I’m an outlier on the “what is cultural appropriation” debate.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Also – regardless of whether or not you but a tunic – might I recommend sweater dresses? I’ve recently discovered them and they are awesome for winter wear! I grew up in a warm climate and it has taken me a while since moving up north to perfect my winter wardrobe.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          Wait idk why I thought you were looking for winter wear. Maybe because you mentioned Denmark…but now I realize you weren’t specifically asking that *facepalm*. Well I hope I was helpful I some way.

      2. Filosofickle*

        I did researched this question before buying an African style jacket I wanted. I even asked the maker, a Black-owned biz in the US that has all the pieces made in Africa, by Africans, of African fabric. What they told me is they want us to wear their garments if it’s purchased by /made from someone of that community because it celebrates the culture and supports their businesses. Amplifying their culture is a net positive, that’s not appropriation. The big caution is to make sure it doesn’t look like a costume and the best way to do that is wear only the one piece, and not add anything else. With my jacket I carefully avoid any African style elements like jewelry or accessories. (There are some fabrics or styles that ARE deeply culturally or spiritually meaningful and shouldn’t be worn by outsiders, like a dashiki or kente fabric, but as far as I know a kurta doesn’t fit that description.)

        Still, you can do all this with the utmost respect and with the best of intentions and still get funny looks. Where I live (CA), a kurta would not look out of place on a white person as long as it was a fairly simple design and was not accessorized in a South Asian style.

    7. Invisible Fish*

      I can’t speak on offending anyone, of course, but part of me is smiling because I live in Houston, and there are so many people from so many places that I don’t know if anyone would notice! I think a lot of folks would just think “long shirt” and keep on going. Or heck, given the shape/cut, people might think “guayabera.” But maybe I’ve gotten super spoiled by being in a place where there are so many great people who bring so much to the table … (I’m blessed with friends from India, and they’ve actually given me kurtas to wear as every day stuff…) Thanks for making me smile so much remembering and thinking about how one day I’ll get to see people again.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Yeah – I’ve gifted my non South Asian friends Indian jewelry from my trips there and would absolutely not mind it if they wore it!

    8. violet04*

      I was born in India, but moved to the US when I was 3 years old. From my perspective, I wouldn’t find it offensive for a white American to wear a kurta. When I got married, some of my white friends wore saris and I loved that that they wore something from my culture. I can’t speak for all Indians. This is just an opinion of one person.

      1. aarti*

        I think a white person wearing a kurta or other desi dress to an Indian wedding, at the invitation of an Indian person is really different than a white person wearing a kurta because they think it looks cool.

        The former seems to me like legit culture sharing the latter more like cultural appropriation.

    9. English, not American*

      It makes me sad that this has to be a consideration. I understand leaving things that have religious or ceremonial significance well alone, but I don’t get why everyday clothing has to be off-limits based on race.
      It reminds me of the “horseshoe” effect where e.g. you have one end of the spectrum saying don’t date outside your race because it’ll “taint” your race, and the other end saying don’t date people of other races because then you’re depriving other members of that race of a partner and/or you’re “colonising” them.

      1. aarti*

        I think the “horseshoe” comparison is a hyperbolic interpretation of a lot of people comments!

        There’s a particular type of white person thinking (I don’t know if you are white, but it’s something I’ve seen a lot in white culture), wherein people will make overly dramatic statements “So, I can’t eat Chinese food anymore?”, “So you’re saying I can’t listen to jazz” etc. Such statements seem to have the effect to shut down BIPOC concerns about cultural appropriation.

        In my opinion, there are actually lots of circumstances where a non-desi person could wear a kurta:
        1) Invited to a South Asia wedding
        2) Invited to a South Asian religious or cultural festival.
        3) Married to a South Asia person and invited to wear certain desi clothes/jewelry by South Asian spouse/in-laws (ie. Some white women married to Hindu men wear or have a manglasutra, a necklace worn by married Hindu women)
        4) Traveling in a South Asian country, wearing local clothes as a sign of respect
        5) Practices South Asian dance or music wearing traditional clothes

        There’s really only one situation where I think it’s inappropriate for a white person to wear a kurta and it’s if they think it just looks cool but otherwise have no connection to South Asian culture.

        If someone does, is it the biggest injustice in the world? No it’s not. But it does reveal a lack of openness and willingness to listen on that person’s part. Just because you don’t “get” why people might be offended doesn’t mean people don’t have a legit reason to be offended!

        1. English, not American*

          I was reminded of the horseshoe effect by the original poster feeling the need to ask, not by any of the replies (otherwise I would have posted in response to a reply rather than the top of the thread). Holding something mundane like everyday clothing as “sacred facet of Other Culture” reads to me as much more distancing and “othering” than respectful, especially in the context of calling it “South Asian culture”, as if that’s one singular culture and not half a dozen (? depends where you cut it) different countries with their own cultures. And that attitude of holding things sacred just because they are non-white in origin is another staple in “white person thinking”. That’s what made me think of it.

          How does it reveal a lack of openness or willingness to listen if person sees an item of everyday clothing (that happens to be worn mostly in another country) and thinks it looks cool so they wear it? That’s a genuine question.

          People can have legitimate reason to be offended by things that aren’t inherently wrong (morally or otherwise). That’s without even considering cases where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, like 90% of politics. Some offenses are greater than others, of course, but the worse the offense the more likely it is to be disparaging or hateful or penalising to the offended group. Something causing people offense isn’t enough on its own to say it’s wrong.

          1. Roci*

            Honestly this post makes it seem like you maybe don’t fully understand why non-white peoples don’t love when white people “discover” items from their culture and “start using it because they think it looks cool”?

            Surely you can see that it must feel really awful for people to be told historically that their clothes, food, jewelry etc. is gross, or uncool, or a marker of not being civilized, and then suddenly in 2015 or whatever some white person starts doing it and they’re told “wow, so cool, so exotic, so worldly”. Ignorantly plucking elements of culture from marginalized groups based purely on the aesthetic in order to gain clout among other white people and “discovering it”. It’s a really gross side of hipster-ism and it makes sense why people might want to gatekeep their culture from that kind of disrespectful tourism.

            1. English, not American*

              Seeing is not the same as “discovering”, and other people’s reaction was never part of the conversation. You’re adding an assumed attitude of disrespect that specifically wasn’t in my comment, which kind of reinforces my point that there has to be more than “this offends me” to actually make it inappropriate.

        2. llamaswithouthats*

          I mean, a lot of SA/Indian identifying people on this thread confirmed they would *not* be offended by the OP wearing a kurta. So it’s not generalize-able unless you believe the offended party has some sort of veto power.

          Personally, I know the double standards suck, but I doubt it would be solved by the OP not wearing a kurta or Indian clothes.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      Related question: Is it cultural appropriation to use Balinese silver beads in necklaces or earrings alongside gemstone or plastic beads? (I’ll use any materials if they look good next to each other.) Ten years ago when I stumbled across the Bali beads in a bead shop I thought they were simply gorgeous. However, I don’t want to offend others by accidentally mis-using something with a specific cultural or religious significance.

    11. Esmeralda*

      That’s an interesting question. As a teen in the 1970s (I’m white and female), I often wore clothes like that, especially tunics, but also coats, pants, skirts, dresses. I made some of them myself (there was a line of rather expensive “folkloric” sewing patterns that I’d save up for). They were comfortable and very beautiful. To me at the time they felt like a step beyond the kind of embroidery I could do myself.

      I’m a lot older now…I have a stunning lehenga and a beautiful cheongsam, which I’ve worn to fancy parties back when we could still do that (and I could still fit into them). Now, I’m not sure it’s right to do so… For sure I would feel uneasy about wearing them in public now.

    12. Quill*

      As an Indian person (born and raised there) who has been living in the US for over a decade, I would absolutely not mind or feel offended in any way. You may get some inquiries, but I suspect that if you wear a simple cotton kurta and not something over-the-top or flashy, most non-Indians won’t know what it is and therefore won’t get over-zealously offended.

      Some Indians may see it as cultural appropriation — I and many others don’t. It’s nice when others appreciate my culture. Bonus points if you support a South Asian-owned store.

      *In general*, my experience has been that South Asians who live in South Asia or spent most of their lives living there tend not to be offended by things like this. They are more likely to understand that you’re showing appreciation and take it as a compliment. In comparison, Americans of South Asian descent who were born in the US or lived here their whole lives, are more likely to be the offended ones. This is because they have had to deal with some toxic effects of growing up as a visible minority, and may have also seen members of the majority race make fun of or belittle their cultural signifiers. So, to now see members of a different race sport their cultural clothes without having had to face any of what they dealt with can be insulting or irritating.

      This is quite sad — I wish that culture was something we shared more freely with each other, and celebrated equally.

      Also, this is only very tangentially related to your post, but what does irk me is pronunciation. I sometimes watch cooking shows and it irritates me when US chefs scrupulously try to pronounce say, French or Italian names of dishes/ingredients — or heck, even people — correctly but do not give a rat’s ass while butchering (no pun intended) the names of Asian dishes/ingredients. It’s a very subtle form of racism but there it is.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I love this comment.

        I think the issue in the end of the day is double standards. However, I’m not sure how gatekeeping white and non Indian people from wearing kurtas and such will solve the problem.

        The only times I mind white or non Indians “appropriating” the culture is when it’s meant to mock them or if it’s a religious thing taken out of context (because then you look ridiculous).

      2. Roci*

        So true, I see this divide between immigrants/2nd gen in other cultures as well. People who have experienced being a majority are less threatened by white colonialist culture encroaching on it. When you have lived as one of millions you’re more comfortable than if you have only lived as one of a few, or the only one of your group.

        I also completely agree about pronunciation. I see soooooo many shows where people work hard to get European, esp French/Italian/Spanish words and names right, but absolutely mangle Asian and African words. Like… you couldn’t even google it? Or tweet someone to record themselves saying it so you could learn before going on TV and talking about it?

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Pakistani born and raised in USA. I wouldn’t find it offensive at all. In fact I don’t think I’d really think anything if I saw someone wearing a kurta with jeans or leggings. I would def notice if they were wearing a full shalwar kameez but still not offended.

    14. Analyst Editor*

      Just wear it. If you’re wearing it as an honest thing you like, and because it’s comfortable, or you like how it looks, then just wear it. If you’re doing it to show off how culturally open you are, then don’t wear it I guess.
      Otherwise, this whole thought process boggles my mind, honestly. Just wear it! Cultural exchange, including food, music, performance styles, etc. is a *good* thing in general! And anyway, American cultural influence shouldn’t just flow one way, where everyone adopts or consumes our movies, music, media, dress styles, food, corporate culture, and politics. People who have a problem with it – it’s their problem, not yours.

    15. Chi chan*

      Honestly there is so much overlap in clothes that I don’t think there would be a problem. If you live in a culturally diverse place it would not raise any eyebrows though in a homogeneous place it might.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve stayed away from the keyboard to hear what everyone has to say. I’d be getting something real, and asking one of my Indian friends (who I don’t get to see during covid) for a recommendation for where to get it. I want this primarily for comfort, and in minimally decorated natural fabrics. I think someone upthread was right that it feels so familiar because of what my siblings’ friends wore in the 70s (I’m by far the youngest in the family). I simply like the slightly fitted, slightly flowing look and feel, and I haven’t found any mall-store tunics that do the same thing. Thanks for all the input!

  12. Jean (just Jean)*

    Question about health insurance: What experiences, good or bad, has anyone had with Kaiser Permanente? I’m considering alternatives to my current plan. I’m not opposed to the idea of being restricted to in-network providers. My biggest hesitation is about giving up the option to receive care at a teaching hospital. Perhaps this is just because most of my past experiences as a supportive family member were connected to medical school-affiliated facilities.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Not about KP, this is about teaching hospitals. I was so very impressed with a teaching hospital that was treating my mother. Everything about the place was so well thought out and so well done. The doors closed quietly, all the doors, everywhere. My mother had a pureed food diet. Unbelievably, her meals looked YUMMY. I would have eaten them. My list goes on and on.
      If I had to give up a teaching hospital that might be a deal breaker for me. I’d have to think long and hard about that.

    2. Jay*

      Depends entirely on where you are. I’m an MD and I trained at a Kaiser hospital in NoCal. In California, Kaiser is amazing. High-quality physician-directed care. If we ever move back to CA, we’ll get Kaiser – actually I work for a company that’s based in CA and they have Kaiser as an option and I’m jealous. You will hear complaints because there are legitimate complaints about every insurance company. Everybody screws up. I think they screw up less where it counts.

      Outside of CA, it’s different because they often have to contract with other facilities and networks, and that makes things more onerous and more complicated. I don’t know if I’d choose Kaiser outside of CA.

      tl;dr: If you’re in Cali, go for it.

      1. Generic Name*

        I’ve had a good experience with Kaiser in the Denver area. Mental health care was an area where they didn’t have enough providers and had to contract out, but it seemed to improve the last few years I had them

      2. Dan*

        Following up on KP outside of CA. Take these statements for what you will:

        1. My org has a heavy presence on the Acela corridor (Northeast US, about as far from CA as you can get).
        2. We used to offer a choice of KP and Aetna. We ditched KP for “cost” with no further explanation.
        3. I have always had Aetna, and thought it was either fine or even liked it.
        4. My coworkers who were on KP and forced on to Aetna hate it for the most part. I’m not sure why.

    3. Chaordic One*

      When I lived in So Cal I had great experiences with Kaiser Permanente. It was several years ago and things could have changed.

      1. Grim*

        Kaiser does great with obvious medical issues, but performs poorly if you have a chronic or obscure medical condition.

        But nobody plans for that – ask me how I know.

        2. one celiac two*

          I’ve bounced around through a bunch of insurance companies and healthcare orgs since I’ve been diagnosed as celiac — there’s not one insurance/org that I haven’t had to take charge of my care except for the one time I saw a celiac specialist.

    4. OperaArt*

      Northern California Kaiser member here. I’ve been a member for over 20 years, and have been very pleased.

      I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 4 years ago. Within a week of the diagnosis, I was in a conference room with the surgeon, the oncologist, the radiation oncologist, and the breast care coordinator. They arranged the meeting. I just had to show up. (The treatment was successful.)
      Over the many months and countless visits, there was almost no paperwork, no trying to get an insurance company to cover the costs, no organizing my care. Basically, I just paid using my credit card when checking in, like around $200-$300 on the day of surgery, or $50 for certain tests. And that was it—no more paperwork.
      They sent me out of system for the radiation treatment, and again they arranged it all, and I didn’t need to pay any extra or submit paperwork.

      As with any large organization, there have been a couple of missteps, but they got ironed out.

    5. Generic Name*

      I absolutely loved the care I received at KP. People complain about lack of choice in doctors and facilities, but it was never a problem for me. I honestly found it easier to deal with. I appreciated that anything my doctors would do or prescribe would be covered. I never got a surprise bill. I once paid out of pocket for an elective mole removal (it was large and on my face, and I didn’t want it to become cancerous later) and a few months after the removal I got a refund check for the amount I paid. Someone had looked at my file and the results and decided that the procedure should be covered.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      YEARS ago I signed up for Kaiser P. because a coworker had a horrible car accident and having KP prevented her from going bankrupt from the bills. Medical bankruptcy is big problem in the U.S. A close relative is currently considering declaring bankruptcy over medical bills. (They owe just under $100,000 for cancer treatment later deemed “experimental” by their health insurance. The cancer was cured. They weren’t on KP.)
      I’ve had great care and horrible care at KP; it depends on the doctor. I get surprise bills almost every time I go in. I pay for all of KP myself (I’m retired but too young for Medicare). I’m on the cheapest plan but the monthly premium is still $700 for one person. Surprise KP bills didn’t happen when my employer paid but it might’ve been a different plan. When I ask before being treated how much it will cost me, the person at the computer says they have no idea, they can’t access that information.
      Anyhoo, KP is still a good option because it prevents the most egregious type of surprise bill: being in the hospital and having an out-of-network medical person treat you without your knowledge or consent, then getting a 5- or 6-figure bill later that your health care won’t pay for.
      Whatever health care plan you choose, I hope you always enjoy good health.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >Whatever health care plan you choose, I hope you always enjoy good health.
        Thank you! I wish you the same. May the evil forces in the universe not read this thread.

      2. MsChanandlerBong*

        I’m dealing with that out-of-network nonsense now. Hospitalized in December, made sure I went to an in-network facility, now have claims from seven different providers, three of whom are out-of-network. Three of them (anesthesia group, hospitalist group, and ER physicians group) tried to bill me directly without even filing claims with my insurance (to the tune of $3,900).

        Then I had a bone-marrow biopsy at the beginning of January. Went to an in-network facility. Got pre-approved for the procedure by my insurance company. Guess what? They sent my slides to an out-of-network pathologist. The bill was over $2,600, and my insurance says the patient responsibility is $2,500+. I already paid $1,289.97 out of pocket for the hospital stay (hospital only–doesn’t include radiology, anesthesia, hospitalist consulting fees, cardiologist consulting fees, echocardiogram, or ER doctor fees), the hospital part of the bone-marrow biopsy is going to cost me $426, and now I’m arguing with my insurance to get them to process the pathology claim as in-network since I went to an in-network facility.

        Frankly, this should all be illegal. Not only have I paid over $2,000 out of pocket only one month into a new year, but I’ve spent at least five hours per week on the phone arguing about charges, incorrect amounts, etc.

        1. HoundLover*

          Insurance broker here. RAPs docs (radiologists, anethesiologists, and pathologists are always out of network and try to bill what ever they can. Bring those bills to your Benefits/HR department. I address this all the time. If you had no choice of providers (hospitalists and the like), you should not be penalized. If the hospital and the surgeon are in-network (those providers that you could choose), then all the other providers, should be paid as if they are in-network.

          1. Generic Name*

            There’s a lot of “shoulds” here. I’ve heard several cases where people get directly billed from providers where they are not legally obligated to pay those fees, but the bills get sent anyway in the hopes that the recipient will not question it and pay the bill. Apparently this practice (of sending bills that are not owed) is legal. This is something I’ve recently learned and now am wondering what bills I’ve paid that I was t responsible for. It’s truly criminal.

    7. Double A*

      I live in NorCal and have Kaiser. When I got a new job they didn’t offer Kaiser and it made me hesitate to take the job. Fortunately they started offering Kaiser a few months after I started. With Kaiser, you have predicability. I’ve never been surprised by a bill (in fact, I’m usually surprised but how low my bills are). Your providers always has access to your complete medical record. I’ve had an incredible experience with their prenatal care and great experience giving birth at Kaiser.

      This being said, they are also rigid. If you do need to get care from an outside provider, it can be difficult to get Kaiser to interface with them. Kaiser’s mental health care is terrible, and as someone else mentioned, they not great about creative thinking about care. It’s basically like, “you have X symptoms, here is the procedure for that.” My husband has complex mental health stuff going on, and his psychiatrist at Kaiser is just… really bad. We’ve paid out of pocket for outside providers to try to get him on a better regime. However, because our expenses with Kaiser have been so reasonable, this has been an ok option.

      Kaiser for the most part does not provide or cover individual therapy, it’s only group classes.

      1. Squeakrad*

        I think it partly depends on how old you are and how many medical conditions you have. I had Kaiser for a brief time many years ago and was really disappointed. I was at risk for breast cancer and it took forever to get a digital mammogram. I was also referred by my PCP for anxiety sessions with a therapist and when the therapist recommended short term medication my PCP hit the roof. She didn’t believe an anti-anxiety medication so refused to write the script.
        Shortly there after I changed to a job with another option and took it.

        I currently work for the state and although our insurance is expensive, I’ve had one major surgery and two minor ones and paid altogether about $1000. I think the challenge with a place like Kaiser versus a standard policy is that if you don’t spend quite a bit of money for the standard policy, you wind up with a super high deductible or an 80/20 split and not a 90/10 split.with the insurance I currently have, I find the hospital often waives the 10% that is due and just collects the co-pay.
        But I’m also treated at a university hospital who is one of the best in the nation if not the world. So even if I have to pay more is worth it to me given my medical history and situation to be able to use their facilities.

        My husband is also had a chronic illness and received top of the line treatment and is now totally healthy. Knowing what I know about Kaiser here in Northern California, I doubt he would’ve gotten the treatments I’ve received through Kaiser without a long drawn out battle.

        Just one final example, we were able to get the Covid vaccine at 65 and over pretty quickly once it was available. I know Kaiser is still limiting to 75 and over here in California which I understand is from necessity but my friends with Kaiser are also very frustrated.

    8. Littorally*

      I’m in MD, and my experience with Kaiser was really rotten. I was trying to see a therapist for some mental health concerns, and the entire place I went to was terribly disorganized. No receptionist in the waiting room (pre-pandemic), and 90% of the appointment time was taken up with going through the usual intake forms that I’ve always been provided with to complete beforehand, everywhere else I’ve been. Stuff like the basic depression screening, etc. They also gave me an estimate for the appointment of about $97, but then later billed me over $400 for some specious “diagnostic.”

      I would not take Kaiser again unless the only alternative would bankrupt me.

    9. mreasy*

      My two CA friends on Kaiser (different cities) have a lot of issues with it. Things like, super restrictions on any sort of controlled medication (eg you can’t get a refill on an ADHD med like adderall or an anti-anxiety med like Klonopin if your required pre-refill blood test shows you have consumed any marijuana – despite it being legal in California). They’ve also both had major issues getting timely appointments with non-specialists and getting regular refills before running out, of normal non-controlled meds. YMMV but as much as I’ve had issues with all my insurances through the year I haven’t had these. (Acknowledging that some of this might be state regulation that I don’t know of, but my non-Kaiser family and friends have never mentioned.)

    10. Nicki Name*

      I’m in Oregon, my family was on Kaiser when I was a teen, and I’ve picked Kaiser whenever it was offered as an option by my employers.

      The big plus is that everything is in one place and on one system. The lab, the pharmacy, and most of the specialists you need will all be at the same facility. No carting paperwork from place to place or filling out a forms over and over to get your electronic records transferred.

      The biggest minus is that you do have to go to a Kaiser facility if possible, which can be a pain if there isn’t one close to you. This was mitigated somewhat the last time I was on Kaiser by a mail-order option for regular prescriptions.

      In general, I feel like it has a very humane approach to healthcare. There is, as always, some variation at ground level with individual doctors.

      I can’t speak to how it might compare to a teaching hospital, though.

    11. Filosofickle*

      I avoided KP for years (NorCal region) bc I had a bone-deep opposition to HMOs. I was strictly PPO. But then I had back surgery and came to believe that my choice was just an illusion and there was even bigger risk in surprise bills and lack of coordination of care.

      Then KP became a client, and after a couple of years working with them, I really came to appreciate them. They have flaws but they are more patient-centered than other health care orgs I’ve come across, and they are far more innovative and modern. (I worked with their innovation groups so I had some extra insight into the future of care there.) Their new hospitals are amazing. I’ve been a member now for 3 years and have been very happy. My experience hasn’t been tested by major illness or injury, though.

    12. ronda*

      I had kaiser in GA for many years. I never needed complicated care and I found them easy to deal with. They have a pretty big network in GA and seem to be expanding it.

      I am now on kaiser in WA and it is a smaller town and they seem to have a more limited network, but they also seem to be doing fine with my currently limited care needs.

      I am a little bit worried about out of area care… never had it happen but if I got sick away from my home, I feel like the insurance bit might be more complicated.

      But if you really want to use a specific hospital or doctor(s), choose the insurance that allows you to do that. Life is too short not to have your preferred medical care.

    13. Can't Sit Still*

      I have been with Kaiser in NorCal for almost 20 years now. I have had issues with my PCPs in the past, but I have a great one now. I have been very pleased with my access to specialists, and my rheumatologist is excellent. I was a frequent flyer at the ER before my major health issues got under control and my care was always professional and caring.

      Mental health care at Kaiser is generally terrible, but I have a great pdoc now and have Talkspace for talk therapy. Kaiser does cover Talkspace now, but I would have to change providers but I like the one I have and I’m grandfathered in to an old plan, so it costs less per month than a single in-person session.

      Some of the doctors at the Kaiser location I use teach and/or have admitting privileges at Stanford or UCSF and Kaiser does refer to teaching hospitals as necessary.

      Finally, there are Kaiser locations, including the one closest to my house, that I wouldn’t use unless I was actively bleeding out right in front of their ER, so it’s extremely location dependent. If everyone around you hates Kaiser, they are probably a bad choice where you are.

      Also, Kaiser and Matrix Absence Management mutually loathe one another, so that’s something to consider if you might need FMLA leave or short term disability in the future and your company contracts with Matrix for leave management.

    14. comityoferrors*

      I’m in SoCal and I loathe KP here.

      I have experience with them through working in healthcare, and I have experience with them through my partner, who had them for several years. I wrote out a whole long rant about the issues I’ve seen, but, basically: their providers aren’t treated well (look into their strikes over the past few years); they don’t follow or care about state regulations regarding access to care (6 months is not legally an acceptable amount of time to wait for an appointment, KP!); and, in our experience, they just don’t make good choices regarding patient care.

      They had some serious concerns (IMO) on their last regulatory audit, including issuing denials of care without criteria (makes it harder to appeal), not adhering to a “reasonable person” standard for emergency services (denying ER services if the services were later found not to be emergent, even though the patient genuinely believes they are in an emergency), and generally “not consistently tak[ing] effective action to improve care where deficiencies are identified, […] or monitor whether the provision and utilization of services meets professionally recognized standards of practice.”

      They’re just…scummy. They’re the only health org in my area that I have absolutely no respect for. I’m glad so many people seem to like them, and you might like them too! I just trust them about as far as I can throw their $16mil-salaried CEO.

    15. Skeeder Jones*

      One thing I love about KP is the electronic medical records. Everything is stored in that file so if I see a doctor that is not a normal physician for me, they have access to all my records and I don’t have to explain things. Case in point, I once saw a physician for a potential kidney infection. I have a lot of chronic conditions and also am allergic to 6 different antibiotics so there’s a lot to consider with a kidney infection. I didn’t have to explain anything to him, he had all my info right at his fingertips. With my primary physician, I can email him for a lot of things instead of needing to go in for an appointment. I have to get some specific lab tests on a regular basis or when certain symptoms appear and I just email him to let him know it’s time, he puts the order in the computer, I go to the lab, about 24 hours later I can check online for the results and then we either schedule a call or discuss the results over email (where he can order any necessary treatment). All of that without needing an appointment. And I can do a lot of appointments by phone or video. I love it but I recognize that I have a great physician and that no matter where you go, there are good and bad ones.

      Full disclosure, I work for KP, but I’ve also worked for other healthcare companies and in terms of companies that really put their values into practice, I believe in KP. When you see a list of KP leadership, you will find more women and people of color than you will in most other companies. KP is considered not-for-profit and has to reinvest in the communities they serve. Overall, I believe in their mission and as an employer, they rank high for diversity including LGBTQ equality and disability representation.

    16. NoLongerYoung*

      Advice welcome

      I’m still trying to master even rows/ rectangles in crochet. I have been using vibrant nylon scrubby yarn, and I’m on ugly dishcloth number 10. Maybe in part due to some of them being done by feel.(eyes elsewhere). But even when I concentrate, I drop.or add stitches ar the ends of rows, so uneven.

      I am enjoying them greatly, joyful even to have a soothing outlet. But afraid to move “up” to a scarf or blanket because bigger just means more uneven until I figure out what I’m doing wrong. (Sometimes I do pull it out to a big problem area.and redo it).

      Advice? I am getting calm and eating less…and so far.my kind friends have loved the useful nylon scrubby dishcloths.

    17. NoLongerYoung*

      NCAL KP and I get individual mental health for a very reasonable copay. But…I also have figured out that for me, it is about having a great primary doctor. (Switch until you get one you like, and I asked around for recommendations and read through the profiles). One bad visit and I switch. So my current one works with me on meds, consults (my mental health went through a special process for an outside referral).
      On the meds, the rules and laws on refills are by state on controlled substances and the need for visits/screening for renewals.
      Full disclosure, I work there (not in care delivery, however).
      While I miss my amazing silicon valley gold-plated coverage, the amazing care they gave a dying family member with zero surprise bills (in a bankruptcy inducing situation had there been a 10 or 20% copay!!) Was priceless.
      My sister has a blue (redacted) policy, and got a 3500 bill for a colonoscopy.
      So YMMV. I have had to be my own advocate, though. I take notes, keep track, and am conscientious about asking questions and why. I think, however that is true for any policy/system.

    18. Jackalope*

      One interesting thing I learned about Kaiser came from a friend (a doctor) who works there. She pointed out that because they’re both the insurer and the facility, they have motivation not to rack up lots of unnecessary bills to send to the insurance company. For example, a mutual friend of ours (also a doctor) was lamenting a job she had at a large hospital working in the hospice program. It’s pretty widely known that hospice tends to be much better for people who are terminally ill, but the hospital didn’t like the hospice program and kept trying to cut funding because patients in hospice weren’t racking up the same hospital bills and so it wasn’t profitable for the hospital. Doctor friend #1 said that would never happen with Kaiser, because it is to their advantage not to rack up huge hospital bills unnecessarily because they are also the ones paying for them. (Obviously it’s not hard to imagine how this could backfire – they could refuse to recommend expensive but necessary care. My personal experience has not been them doing that, however.)

      My experiences with them have mostly been good. The one bad thing is that at least at my location, it’s hard to get care with the same person regularly, at least for intermittent care (for things that come up suddenly, like a sore throat that you need a strep test for). It’s been years since I had a PCP through them that I had actually met, because they never have appointments available (or they’ll have them a month out, which isn’t useful for the strep test). On the other hand, I can regularly get into see someone if I don’t care about it being my PCP, and I’ve had continuity of care for ongoing stuff like physical therapy. Plus in my area (obviously this is location-dependent) they at least used to be the only medical provider around that has a 24/7 urgent care. I’ve had a couple of times when I needed urgent care in the middle of the night (for a broken finger once, for example), and it was SO nice not having to go to the emergency room. It wasn’t crowded at all (and I almost always end up with the same doctor for the middle of the night care; apparently that’s his preferred shift). And they have a new rule (which may be more widespread than just Kaiser; I don’t know if it’s a new law in my area or not) that I really appreciate, that if a doctor is doing anything to you that involves you being undressed (say, a pelvic or prostrate exam), they require another person (a nurse, PA, etc.) to be in the exam room. It totally helped me feel safer; I’d never had any issues with doctors/nurses/PAs being sketchy, but it made me feel like they cared about my safety. (I’m not naive, I know it’s also protecting their staff from accusations, but it’s one of those nice things that goes both ways.) And as others have said, it’s nice not having to worry about “surprise bills”. I have had a few providers there that I had a bad experience, but I’ve been able to just not schedule any more appointments with those staff, and it hasn’t been an issue.

    19. Tiffany V*

      I have Kaiser in Northern Virginia and we love it. It’s just me and my husband, early-mid 30s, no kids, no chronic conditions. We love the electronic record, the video visits — they are really good with the customer service/tech side of it. My husband has anxiety and was able to get therapist appts at the facility near our house with no problem or huge wait. I love that I can get my birth control mailed to me. Essentially, 100% a positive experience here. I had a friend who had them and had lupus and she also had a positive experience. But agree with the others that it depends on which area you’re in; if you’re in DC/VA/MD, I’d say it’s worth a shot. There are so many facilities and doctors here, which helps too.

    20. ShinyPenny*

      Kaiser intersects weirdly with Medicare, in my sample size of one.
      I thought my relative needed to go to a Skilled Nursing Facility (aka ‘SNIFF’) after a serious illness. Several staff of the hospital agreed and told me it would be easy– except that my relative has Kaiser and therefore it was impossible. It was incredibly frustrating and scary– and I still have no understanding about what the story really is.
      Also, in our area, Kaiser farms out hospitalizations to a different hospital next door–but the people we dealt with were a random (to us) assortment of Kaiser and non-Kaiser staff. Communication was an issue.
      My relative did get the care needed, but only because my SIL and I both have health care experience and are willing/able to make effective noise (ie, appeal to Medicare, etc). We did not win the SNF but they did keep her hospitalized slightly longer.

      On the plus side, the other Medicare-related difference is that Kaiser is obligated to provide medically necessary care. In our area, sometimes specialists will refuse to take a new Medicare patient, because the reimbursement rate is so low– it can be really hard for people with Medicare to access care because of this. Kaiser patients don’t have this issue, which can be a huge plus.

      From a non-Medicare sample size of one, I have also been able to get care from non-Kaiser sources when Kaiser does not have what I want/need (3-D breast imaging, more physically accessible imaging). But they will not mention this. You have to know what is out there, and be able to state why it’s medically necessary for you. Then you may or may not get Kaiser to agree to pay for it.

  13. Not Driving*

    So, one thing I enjoyed growing up is camping, and I’ve tried to do it as an adult, but all of my camping trips as an adult have been with my dad driving, because I don’t have a license. And as I approach the age of 30, it’s abundantly clear that getting a license isn’t a realistic option for me. I do not want to go further into why, because that just invites people to try to figure out “solutions” for me to get a license, and I don’t want to have the conversation about why I can’t drive. What I want to talk about is ways for me to go camping. Unfortunately, there will be no more camping trips with my father, who died at the beginning of the pandemic. So I need to find places I can go camping, without having the use of a car. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, but I’m willing to fly to other places, once the pandemic eases up. Yosemite is the option that immediately comes up, and I was going to try it this winter, but my reservation got cancelled due to the pandemic. My plan was to take a Greyhound to Merced to catch a YARTS bus, but that was assuming YARTS would actually be running, and was going to require staying the night in Merced both ways. It’s still an option in the future, but I got lucky, as Yosemite reservations are usually very hard to get, and I would really appreciate some other options, even options outside of California. Seattle, Dallas, and Denver are particularly cheap places for me to fly to, and I will eventually go to Portland for a bit, so those are all stronger options.

    I would like to mention that I have camped in snow before, and I would do so again. My cancelled Yosemite reservations were January, and I was expecting snow. I mention this because I come from a family that no longer celebrates Thanksgiving, so in normal times I fly to Canada for a few days, since everything is open there. So if you know of public transit accessible camping in Canada that’s open in November, it can be an option. Likewise, I had to cancel a birthday trip to Germany due to the pandemic, and at some point I will probably go to Germany, and incorporating a few days of camping into a larger Germany vacation could be doable. It is also likely I will eventually visit the United Kingdom again, specifically Scotland and northern England (in fact, I’ll probably do this during the Germany trip, and just take a few weeks), so campgrounds there can also be an option.

    1. Amey*

      In the UK (possibly Europe in general but I’m in the UK) this will be a lot easier than I think it will be in much of the US (which is where I’m from originally). This is particularly the case if you’re combining it with some hiking. But generally, you can get on a train or a coach (a long distance bus) and go pretty much anywhere in the country and be a walk, bus or taxi ride away from a campsite in a beautiful location. I live in a county that is a popular holiday destination. You can get on a train from London for two hours and get off at the beach, easy walking distance from multiple campsite.

      What I can’t guarantee, however, is good camping weather!!

    2. Jo*

      Hmm. You can definitely camp without needing to drive there, but it definitely adds another layer of complexity – mainly because public transport to camping sites isnt usually the best. Alas, the feature that makes camping great often (remote isolated beautiful locations!) also makes them bad for public transport. I cant speak much for the US, but for the trips I’ve done in Europe, while there is public transport, if you want to be somewhere pretty or more remote – it will be very limited (think 2-4 busses a day type limited) and you may need to be happy doing a bit of walking as well (ie the bus stop will be in the local village and you’ll need to walk to wherever the campsite is). So you’ll need to plan really well, while also being aware that rural public transport can be quite unreliable.

      One question for me is what level of camping are you talking about? Are we talking small lightweight tents, with just sleeping bags and food and portable stoves camping? Or full blown take the whole house with you type camping? Or rent accommodation on a campsite? Some are obviously easier to do without a car than the other.

      Honestly, the first and most boring answer I have is find friends who like to go camping? That solved a lot of my problems when I was younger and couldnt drive!

    3. Washi*

      Rocky Mountain National Park might work well for you! You would have to take a private and I think kind of expensive airport shuttle from Denver to the town of Estes Park, but then there are free shuttles into the actual park that goes around to the campgrounds and the main trail access points. Driving is actually kind of discouraged around the park to prevent congestion. It’s a gorgeous place, though a little too popular for me, but that means it has really great infrastructure. However, I think most of the services shut down for the winter, so it might not be a good option for going like, right now.

    4. Jim Bob*

      No solutions, just admiring the grit of someone who can enjoy camping in November in Canada. Brr.

    5. Mourning Reader*

      Can you clarify, do you mean camping by yourself with only the equipment you can carry, or, would you be interested in a group trip, or renting a rustic cabin or RV rather than bringing a tent?

      If a group trip would be of interest, I’m sure there are tours like that. Years ago I took the Green Tortoise bus over to Yosemite and environs, sort of camping like.

      Otherwise I’m sure there are Kamping Kabins at state parks and KOAs all over the US, where you could take a train or bus and then Uber or taxi to your site. In my location in southern Michigan you could take the train from Chicago and go to Warren Dunes or a number of private campgrounds near the Lake or on their own lakes. It gets more difficult if you want to get more remote.

    6. DistantAudacity*

      Come to Oslo, Norway!

      You can take the subway (well, it turns into an overground) straight up to the edges of the forest. From there you can hike, and find a camping spot. There is public right of use of the land, and rules on how long you can stay in the same spot (2 nights, I think), so do check up on that.

      Or, you can take a train up to the mountains (Finse), and go hiking from there (advanced option).

    7. Casey*

      You should look into “adventure” outfitters, and see if any of them offer a shuttle service! Sometimes the smaller ones will be willing to pick you up and drop you off, even if it’s not listed on their website. It might not be cheap, but it also comes with the local knowledge!

    8. Generic Name*

      What about camping with a friend who drives? Do you mean “car camping” where you take a carload of camping stuff to an established campsite and stay there for several days or are you talking about backpacking where you carry everything you need on your back and camp in the backcountry?

      I agree that camping in national parks would be ideal for you. Have you looked at sites like meetup for camping groups? I imagine some folks would be up for carpooling for a camping trip, especially if you chip in for gas or agree to cook some shared meals.

      If you plan to solo camp (and this goes for anyone) I implore you to check in with a ranger station before you leave so if anyone from back home reports you missing, search and rescue will have a head start knowing where you are. I’d also get an emergency beacon. And if you do any winter camping in the backcountry of mountainous regions, please please take avalanche awareness classes. Not only does it keep you safe, it also keeps your potential rescuers safe. Colorado has had an onslaught of folks new to the state or visiting from out of state who get in trouble in the backcountry and need rescuing, and our resources are stretched to the bone.

      1. Not Driving*

        I actually lived in Colorado for a couple years, but I never got to camp there. Good looking out on the avalanche safety tips. Winter camping is a whole thing. Like, I’ve done it, and I like it, but it really takes a lot of preparation and knowing what you’re doing, because so many things can go wrong. Without a vehicle to leave in if things go wrong, it’s even more essential to know exactly what you’re doing. Honestly, that’s one reason I booked Yosemite. It was to be first time doing this alone, without my father around, and I booked a developed camp site with a camp host and staffed ranger station just in case. It’s too bad the pandemic put a stop to that idea.

    9. Not Driving*

      Thanks for all the advice. A few people have asked me what type of camping. I’ve inherited my dad’s backpacking gear, which seems ideal for packing into a plane or onto a train or bus, but given my transport issues, I expect established campgrounds will be easier to reach. So, lightweight gear and only what I can carry while hiking without assistance, but established campgrounds that at the very least have potable water pumps, since water is too heavy to lug without a vehicle. Every established National Park/California State Park campground (IE meant for car camping, not for backpacking) I’ve been to has a potable water pump, not sure how it is in Europe.

      1. Imtheone*

        For the potable water issue, there are light weight filers and also tablets that take care of the dangers of giardia and other microorganisms in the water. My family backpacks, and certainly cannot carry enough water for a multi-day trip. They gather water and run it through the filter. If you like a lot of water during the day, then lugging that along can be hard. The filters take 20 minutes to process about a quart of water. The tablets must have time to dissolve and kill of what is in the water. (They also make the water taste weird, but a little powdered lemonade mix can help with that.)
        Backpacking gear is very suited to taking on a plane.
        Best of luck!

        1. Washi*

          Yes, a water filter is essential! As long as you check your route to make sure you know which streams you must absolutely stop at because there won’t be another one for a bit, it means you don’t need to carry much water at a time. I have a Katadyn filtered water bottle and carry it with me even just on longer day hikes because I can drink straight from it and I don’t really need to worry about running out of water. I’ve actually never used tablets and just do the filter and never had a problem in my area.

    10. Canadian Camping Fan*

      Years ago I took buses through the UK and stayed at youth hostels. Occasionally someone with camping gear would hop off the bus at a random spot and I was told that they could wait by the road a few days later and the bus would pick them up. It sounded like a fun plan. I don’t know if that’s still an option, but the bus companies could tell you.

      I had a great time camping in Gros Morne and I made it work by paying for a friend’s flight and the rental car for them to drive me. It was $2000 for a company’s week-long guided camping tour, and $1500 for the friend’s flight and car. And with the friend I had more flexibility and guaranteed good company. I paid for my friend because they wouldn’t have made the trip otherwise.

      There are often transit options from cities to parks in Canada. Outdoor stores (Bushtukah, MEC, etc) sometimes organise trips, and I found a transit website that has been operational since 2010 (I’ll post separately).

    11. Keener*

      Instant pot recipe recommendations please. I am looking for websites/blogs focused on pressure cooker recipes. If you also love Smitten Kitchen and have a go to site for your pressure cooker I’d love to hear about it.

    12. noahwynn*

      If you’re open to backpacking, you can fly to many places along the Appalachian Trail and there are shuttles that will take you to the trailhead. You can plan a section hike that aligns with the amount of time you’re wanting to spend, you don’t have to through-hike the entire trail.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I’m wondering if other thru hikes would be good for this, since one typically wouldn’t want to leave one’s car at the starting point for months when you are going to end up thousands of miles away. The Pacific Quest and Continental Divide trails would be closer, and possibly well known enough to have infrastructure. Or maybe not-the Appalachian is much more traveled.

        I’d also suggest canoe camping. Around here the best rivers are out in the boonies, but once you get there, a guy with a pickup drives you and the canoe to the drop off spot. Maybe some lakes up in Wisconsin? Then you camp on the sandbanks.

      2. Chi chan*

        I thought of the Appalachian Trail and PCT too. Both have extensive online forums and book guides. Also it might be possible to find uber or lyft if you stick to popular landmarks for day trips.

    13. Not Alison*

      Do you want to camp solo or are you open to camping with other people? When I wanted to camp I joined my local Sierra Club and went camping quite a bit with that group. They were into car-pooling and as long as you were willing to pay your fair share of the car costs, you were welcome to ride with someone to the camping spot.
      On the other hand if you are a solo camper, that may not be your cup of tea.

    14. oranges & lemons*

      If you like to cycle, bike camping can be a good alternative to driving. I took a cycling trip in the Netherlands, which was great–they have a giant bike trail system with campgrounds and also a hosting program (Friends of Bikers). I’m sure other bike-friendly countries have similar systems.

      You could also try joining a hiking or outdoor exploration club, which tend to organize large camping trips, and you can carpool or arrange a shuttle for everyone. I haven’t done this myself, but apparently it can be a really good way to learn new skills, like ice climbing or snow camping.

    15. Skeeder Jones*

      So it sounds like your main barrier to awesome camping trips is the transportation to get there. I wonder if there are some facebook or meet up camping groups you could start networking with and join other people on their trips? Or if you still want to camp solo, you can maybe just share the ride with them. I grew up camping and did a lot of camping as an adult as well before fibromyalgia made it less than enjoyable. I hope you find ways to get out there in the wild!

    16. WS*

      If you ever go to Japan, there’s fantastic, clean and cheap public transport to just about anywhere you might want to go, including camping grounds and national parks. OTOH, I currently live in Australia and you’ve got no chance of getting anywhere remote by public transport – rural public transport is very poor and focused entirely on towns. There’s lots of tours along the Great Ocean Road in Victoria that take you to places to camp and pick you up X days later, though, plus beautiful hiking trails along the coast.

    17. SEM*

      In non-pandemic times, there are buses and shuttle buses that would get you to Point Reyes National Seashore, where there are lots of camping options with short or long walks. I’d also recommend Armstrong Redwoods in Guerneville, which may require a combo of buses and trains, but I think should be accessible. The camping would require a short to medium walk. Salt Point State Park is awesome, up highway 1, but I don’t know if there are bus routes that go there.

  14. Furloughed in Texas*

    Removed because this is the non-work thread, but you’re welcome to post it on next Friday’s work thread.

  15. Clementine*

    Are there ways to buy e-books for my kindle that aren’t Amazon and support indie bookstores instead?

    I just treated myself to a kindle paperwhite. I chose kindle because it’s so universal but I try to avoid Amazon purchases. My library has overdrive/Libby, so I can rent (I think), but what about buying e-books? Any kindle tips appreciated, thanks!

    1. Green great dragon*

      Project Gutenberg is fab for out-of-copyright books. They’re free, just throw them a small contribution every now and then if you can.

    2. A Simple Narwhal*

      I was going to suggest overdrive/Libby, that’s how I get most of my books on my kindle. One thing I actually learned yesterday about overdrive is that if a book isn’t in your library network, you can look in another nearby network and they may have it! So be sure to scroll to the bottom of the search results in overdrive and see what other libraries you can search in, it may open up a lot more options for borrowing books rather than buying it.

      But other than that, I’m not sure you can buy books for a device that literally has Amazon’s logo carved on its back from somewhere other than Amazon. I hope I’m wrong – a quick google search didn’t look encouraging, so I’m interested to see what others have to say.

      1. pancakes*

        Yes, you can. You can also use the Kindle app without buying a device from Amazon – I’ve used it on various iPhones for years. eBooks released via Hummingbird Digital Media are compatible with it, as is plain old pdf. I’m sure there are other formats I’m leaving out. I just checked Verso’s site (a publisher I’ve bought a number of books from, paper and ebooks) and they use epub (for all ebook readers except Kindle) and mobi (for Kindle).

    4. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If you like SF or fantasy, try Bookview Cafe: https://bookviewcafe.com/bookstore/

      It’s an author cooperative, selling members’ books.

      Also, if you can get ebooks in any format, Calibre is a free program that will convert books from one format to another, including to Kindle format.

    5. Independent book stores rock!!*

      While I have never done it, I just checked out my local independent book store website, and they sell ebooks via Hummingbird. So it seems possible! Maybe check out your local bookstore and see what they offer. Thanks so much for trying to support local businesses!

    6. Otter Dance*

      Well, if you like science fiction or fantasy, check out the Baen Books website. One of the formats they offer is Kindle.
      It might be worth checking out other publishers’ websites to see if they sell ebooks directly. If they do, they probably offer multiple formats.

    7. Anon100*

      Some of my fav authors sell their own books directly from their websites using BookFunnel. I think it’s for more for direct selling/buying of self-published books than having an intermediary seller though.

    8. oranges & lemons*

      Yes! You can buy ebooks from some bookstores (although not all indie bookstores have platforms that allow it) or directly from the publisher. I always try to buy from a local bookstore or publisher, because very little of an Amazon payment will go directly to the author or publisher.

      1. pancakes*

        That is one of my reasons for recommending Bookshop dot org – the About page explains how the site works with independent bookstores and how the proceeds are split.

  16. hack in training*

    Hi everyone! I asked a week or so ago on the Friday thread about a pending job offer, and I’m thrilled to update that I accepted the offer! It’s my first full-time job out of college (I graduated in May and have been living at home with my parents since) so I’m super excited, but I’m also moving into my own apartment for the first time.
    It’s about a 600 mile move, from a southern state to the midwest, though it’s near where I went to college so I’m mostly familiar with the climate, etc. I’ve secured an apartment, my mom generously agreed to come with me to help me get settled, so now I just have to get packed. As I said, it’s my first time living on my own, so any advice you guys have for moving, finding furniture, living alone, etc., etc., would be so greatly appreciated! I figured it’s probably much easier and cheaper to buy furniture there than move with the few pieces I do have, so I need pretty much everything.
    Do you guys have any tips/advice/secrets to moving out? Thanks!

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      Congratulations! I loved living alone when I was in my 20s…it can offer a lot of clarity about what you really like, rather than what is an acceptable compromise with roommates or family. As to acquisitions, see if your new community has a free cycle group or a virtual yard sale website. In my town, people are generally thrilled to pass furniture and household goods along at little or no cost to the recipient just to know we’re not stuffing landfills. Back in the day I bought a couch and 2 chairs at a thrift shop for $16. I still have the chairs (painted wood ladderback) and they bring back fond memories.

    2. Office Grunt*

      Where in the Midwest?

      Moving: Rubber/plastic totes are your best friends. Stackable, and they can be re-used as storage after the move.

      If you don’t mind used furniture, look for a Habitat for Humanity ReStore in the area.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I moved a lot in college and as a young adult, and then I moved again several times in middle age. I think you can find two broad “first apartment” strategies. The first is to look for individual bargains at resale shops or on sale in stores or online. You can find great individual kitchen equipment, pieces of furniture, etc. if you’re willing to poke around and explore. (In the old days that was all in-person, but I think the same applies now to online purchases.) The second is to go to one inexpensive location and buy most of your stuff there.

      The benefit of the first option, other than the thrill of the hunt, is that you can find really nice things that will last for years. Heavy cast-iron enamel pots, good small kitchen appliances, a really nice chest of drawers that feels like an heirloom. The drawbacks are, it’s time-consuming, you don’t always find things you love and then you have to compromise or keep looking, sometimes you wind up with things that don’t match at all, and it’s actually easy to over-purchase.

      The benefit of the second option is mostly one-stop shopping, everything is in a similar style, you can go in with a list and get exactly what you need.

      Having done both, I strongly recommend using Ikea or someplace similar for items that you don’t need to have excellent quality right away, and that you are willing to replace when you find and can afford something better. I would furnish my entire kitchen from Ikea except for one really good quality heavy pot and one really good frying pan. I would get all my furniture there except for a bed and a sofa or comfortable chair. (I’m fine with their drawer assemblies for dressers and side tables, but I don’t like their file drawers, so if you need a desk with file options I’d go elsewhere.)

      While it can seem a bit soulless to furnish a place primarily with inexpensive pressboard, in my experience most furniture in apartments fades into the background. You don’t actually want every piece to be a statement piece, and by having a consistent style the Ikea pieces provide a neutral backdrop to the things that do reflect your personality – upholstered furniture, rugs and textiles, art, books, etc.

      1. Llellayena*

        Do not buy knives at Ikea. They will never be sharp. A halfway decent set of knives from a kitchen store is the better bet. But Ikea is fantastic for a lot of things, but be picky about quality. I do love their lamps though…

      2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

        Seconding IKEA or a similar store, especially due to the pandemic going on. I moved last year and was originally planning to get a lot more of my furniture from thrift shops etc but… it felt irresponsible, in the end, since it would have involved going to lots of shops with no guarantee of finding anything. I ended up doing click and collect from IKEA and one other furniture store for all the furniture I really needed.

      3. Otter Dance*

        I actually love the slatted support in my IKEA bed, but the sofa selection…. uggghhh!

        Another place to consider, if you don’t mind a little in person shopping, is a furniture rental store that sells their returns. Anything flimsy or poorly made already broke during the rental period. You really have to go look, and sit, for yourself, because even after cleaning and fumigation, condition can vary widely. Then again, who would buy a sofa without trying it out first? But furniture covers can hide worn or stained upholstery, and pull together things that don’t otherwise coordinate.

        Kitchen stuff: unless you’re really tall, a step stool is vital to make the best use of the top shelves – I even store a few seldom-used items on top of the upper cabinets. If you can find a step stool with a seat, that’s a bonus.
        Think about storage space. We have an ongoing battle with mugs that don’t stack, for example. A knife block may be good for the knives, but can you spare the counter space?

      4. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Ha! I did the first, picking out furniture on Craigslist and at thrift stores. My brother did the second-three pickup loads from IKEA, a day or two putting everything together, and done.

        I think we are both very happy with our choice.

        1. Girasol*

          I second that. Thrift stores and (in season) yard sales and flea markets are a great place to pick up kitchen supplies like small appliances and cookware. You can make a lovely set of mismatched antique dishes by buying what strikes your fancy, as many pieces as you want, and then add and replace as needed. Wooden furniture items like bureaus and tables, if not perfect as they stand, can be made so with a little stain, varnish or paint. A mattress is best bought new, but Amazon has a number of brands like Tuft and Needle that ship compressed into a small package, expand amazingly, are top quality, and come at a better price than old fashioned mattress store offerings.

          1. Pippa K*

            And as a bonus, mismatched dishes can look like a deliberate design choice. Everything blue and white but random patterns, or lots of mixed antique florals, etc. Pairing vintage china, which is easy to find cheaply at thrift/charity shops, with sleeker modern glasses and flatware can be a great look.

    4. Llellayena*

      Clearance sections, floor models, warehouse style stores are all good places for furniture. Keep your mind open. I got the top half of a hutch (the bottom half had been sold) from a good quality furniture store for free from the clearance section. It made a fantastic tv stand. And since it was a small apartment, I bough a loveseat instead of a full couch and saved a couple hundred dollars. You’ll probably find some going out of business sales right now too. Don’t discount mildly broken furniture. One of my favorite pieces is a leather (faux) wing chair that originally had casters on the front legs. One caster was broken when I bought it but I swapped both casters out for metal cabinet knobs for about $10 and it’s wonderful. Don’t skimp on mattress quality, that’s worth spending the best you can afford.

    5. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Lots of good suggestions here. As an old guy looking back, I would suggest buying very little of anything to start with. Then you can decide what you really need as time goes by, and get it using the strategies others have suggested. It’s ok to have a place with nothing but a bed and a table, and a few kitchen items for a few weeks. Most of all, avoid using credit to furnish your place. No “rent to own” or “0% interest for x months”, no matter how tempting. If you can start out avoiding debt and make it a habit, you will eliminate a lot of potential stress later in life.

      1. Dan*

        I agree with you on most of this.

        What’s worked for me over the years is that if I decided I “need” something that I never owned before, buy the cheap thing. Use it (or not). Get used to what it does, and when it breaks or no longer works, *then* buy the expensive thing if you know what you will use it for, or what it does that the cheap stuff won’t. This is especially true in the kitchen, where one can go broke in a New York minute if one isn’t careful. The interesting thing is, quite often, “cheap” is pretty good, and you will be happy you didn’t spend the extra money.

        I’m with on avoiding rent to own. That’s essentially financing purchases with extremely high APR. High APR financing must be avoided.

        I’m not with you on avoiding 0% APR financing as a blanket rule. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying finance your life to the hilt like that, but for the right purchases under the right circumstances, 0% APR is a fine way to go.

        1. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

          It can be ok if you are disciplined enough to make payments and get it paid off before the 0% expires, but it is still spending money you don’t have yet, which (in my experience) is generally not a good idea, especially when just starting out.

        2. Elizabeth West*

          This; unless you need something for a short period of time and intend to return it, rent-to-own is basically a scam. It costs more than financing something new. I’m really pissed that it’s even legal.

    6. More Coffee Please*

      First of all, congrats!!

      I agree what “I need coffee” said above (clearly, our usernames are in sync, too!). I’m in my late 20s now, but I moved around a lot right out of college for work. I definitely suggest starting small and only buying items when you need them. Obviously there are exceptions when it’s something you know you’ll need, but hang off on other stuff. Buying stuff you think you *might* need often turns into not using something for years and then having to give it away almost new.

      Facebook marketplace, buy nothing groups, and other similar sites are great for finding gently used items, as well (and often those almost new items that someone bought and never needed).

      A random suggestion, but if your apartment doesn’t have great lighting, buying enough lamps to make it feel cheery is a big help. My current apartment has overhead lighting, so I didn’t think I’d need lights, but the soft lighting from the lamps makes such a big difference in my mood.

      For several years I lived with really basic furniture but during the pandemic got the urge to decorate more. I started watching YouTube videos, and there are some great ones out there on interior decorating. I really liked Alexander Gater’s channel.

      I was worried about living alone for the first time but actually loved it. To be fair, I loved it more when there wasn’t a pandemic restricting social activities, but still.

      Enjoy your new place and your new job!

    7. ronda*

      I moved recently with nothing that didnt fit in my car and bought my new stuff in the begining of pandemic shut down :)

      If you are buying new:

      The mattress store had stuff on hand and delivered exactly when wanted.
      The furniture store (for sofa and chair) takes 6 weeks to deliver, and took a couple extra weeks because of pandemic.

      Kitchen stuff — I ordered from amazon.

    8. Buy Good Knives*

      If we were real-life friends, I would send you a starter knife set from Rada Knives. My ex brought a set with him when he moved in back in 2003 and I was heartbroken when he moved out last year and took them with him. He had gotten them from his parents when he first moved out in his early 20’s (we’re in our mid-50s) and so he had no idea what brand they were or where they came from.

      I posted a picture of my favorite knife in the set (the “Stubby Butcher”, it turns out) and within a few minutes, a FB friend said it looked like her mom’s Rada knives. And, yep, that’s what it was!

      I now have 10-12 of their knives and LOOOOOVE them. I bought a bamboo stand with a strong magnet inside of it to put the knives on so they don’t lose their [very sharp] edge getting jostled around in a drawer (and so I don’t cut myself when I go digging through the cutlery drawer).

      Anyway, they have a starter bridal set that I’ve given to all of my friends who have moved into their own place. The best thing is that they are ridiculously affordable.

    9. Katrin*

      Buy the bare essentials first then afterwards see what you need instead of trying to buy all your furnishings at once. This means you don’t buy anything you don’t need and are more mindful of the things you do. Create a list of things that you need to get next time you go furniture shopping and add to it as you need to. You can buy a lot of good stuff on reselling sites, but a good browse through IKEA is sometimes the best way to find a solution to a problem you thought insolvable. For me, it was a draining board that had bowed in the middle and was collecting grime. Turns out you can buy slanted draining boards!

      Various other points:
      Command hooks are very useful for putting up wall decor without using nails.
      I recommend just buying some anyway. Buy a decent toolkit (cheap screwdrivers tend to have bits that wear out quickly).
      A plant can improve air quality in your flat (useful when you work from home) and I think there are psychological benefits too (though that’s unsourced).
      Please take care of your mental health as you adjust to solo life, sometimes you don’t realise how beneficial living with parents is.

    10. Colette*

      Back when I moved out, it wa the stuff I didn’t think about that was a pain – garbage cans, laundry hamper, cleaning supplies, etc. Make sure you remember that stuff.

  17. Mourning Reader*

    I asked a couple of weeks ago about how to learn about money. I’m following up with some of the resources mentioned, thank you! I was thinking that maybe managing this could become a new hobby/activity in retirement, but so far I find it rather dull. My mind wanders and concepts are difficult to grasp, even with the modestly entertaining Boglehead books. So maybe active involvement is not for me, but that’s OK, as the best advice seems to be picking something and sticking with it long term.

    Meanwhile, I am thinking about 2 other possibilities:

    1. buying another house nearby and renting it out. Example: spend $100,000 on a house, rent it for $500 a month, it pays for itself in about 17 years, and I still own the house. (Obv simplification ignoring other expenses.) How do I evaluate this kind of return against other investments? Is it something to consider? I know being a landlord can be a PITA, but I already have my small house to take care of and if the other were nearby, it might not be much more trouble.
    2. Exploring micro loans. I read about this years ago, as a way to support people in bad economic circumstances by providing start up expenses for new businesses and such, while still having the possibility (probability?) of returns for the lender. Is this still around? Is it working? Any recommendations for learning about it or getting in on it? Any other ideas about using money to advance social justice or reduce poverty? (Other than giving it away, working on that too but it’s a separate question.)

    I know I can google around and otherwise research these questions, but y’all are such a knowledgeable bunch! I appreciate the help getting pointed in the right direction.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My friend is a landlord. After seeing what he has been through there is no way I would ever consider doing this.
      The overarching advice I see on real estate is that unless you are one of the Few Blessed Ones in the US, then you will probably lose money on real estate. Figure on losing money. Calling landlording a PITA is a huge understatement.
      I have another friend who decided to invest in several houses. It’s been a nightmare. Here in NYS the laws are in favor of the tenant and the LL has little recourse. Recently, one tenant owed a LL 18k. It’s reasonable to assume that landlord will never, ever see that money.

      2. Dan*

        Yup. Landlording is not something to get into for passive income. I learned this the hard way… as the tenant.

        Years back, I had a landlady who didn’t really want to put the work in to her properties. She also lived and worked her day job several miles from the rental, and did not use a property management company. (This was an area where urban sprawl is *a thing* and jumping on the freeway for a “quick trip” to check out the rental is not to be undertaken lightly.) I also had been renting from management companies for years, so I was used to making one call and things would get taken care of.

        It turned out that landlady was renting illegally. This ultimately caused her giant headaches. I believe she lost the property a few years after I moved out.

        I walked away from that situation thinking that one must be nuts to be a mom-and-pop landlord. If one recognizes one’s crazyness and is still inclined to be a landlord, then one must know exactly what they are doing, or they can be bitten *hard*.

        Do not do not do not get into mom-and-pop landlording for “the passive income.” It doesn’t exist. It’s a lot of work, and if you do it wrong, you can lose a lot of money.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          “Do not do not do not get into mom-and-pop landlording for “the passive income.” It doesn’t exist. It’s a lot of work, and if you do it wrong, you can lose a lot of money.”

          I 100% agree with this. I posted below about my nightmare. I think the only way to make money off a rental is if you have a very low mortgage payment and charge at least market price for the rent, or you own the property free and clear. Plus you need good tenants that will actually pay, which is why a property management company is a must. They’ll do most everything and the landlord won’t have to do much, but it does cost money.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      On micro loans – I put a $25 Kiva loan per month into my budget a year ago, and at this point the monthly returns are averaging enough that I can just reinvest them to cover my $25 instead of adding new cash if I want to. But I can also withdraw the returns, and have done without any issues in the past.

    3. pancakes*

      I recommend a Sept. 2019 article by Marnie Brady titled, “Workers and Renters of the World, Unite!” for background on the intersection of housing and social justice. There are links to lots of additional information and groups in it.

    4. Grits McGee*

      When I was renting, I toured a house where the owner had basically contracted out the “landlording” to a property management company that handled everything for her- collecting rent, finding tenants, maintenance, etc. That could possibly be an option to reduce stress and bother, but I imagine it would take a big chunk of your profits.

    5. fposte*

      Just noting that as far as I’m concerned, yes, the best money management is pretty dull because you really don’t do much. I think that’s part of why the Bogleheads forum can wring pages out of bland IRA questions; we’re trying to get some entertainment value out of it. (BTW, if you’ve only checked out the Boglehead books the forums can be very helpful too, though obviously like any forum it has its own skew.)

      I would be personally unsuited for landlording—it seems like it requires too much action to be really passive income. I haven’t tried microlending, but Kiva is the platform I’ve heard of the most for that. There are also borrowing subs on Reddit: they’re kind of Wild Westy, but there are some regular lenders who seem to find it worthwhile.

    6. Generic Name*

      So what is your ultimate goal? Are you wanting a passive income stream? Are you wanting a hobby that you make some money off of (also known as a side hustle)? For what purpose? I assume for retirement? What time frame are you looking at? If you’re looking 20 years plus down the line and are ok with a more moderate rate of return, it’s hard to beat putting your money in an index fund a d not touching it for a decade, but I realize that’s a boring answer. Are you looking for some excitement/entertainment too? Maybe carve out a small amount (small enough you won’t be sad to lose) and download the Robin Hood investing app. A side benefit to this is it’s really pissing off Wall Street hedge fund managers. :)

      1. pancakes*

        I encourage you to read up on the link between Robinhood and quant trading firms like Citadel, as that has really pissed off some users as well. Robinhood was built by HFT guys and is paid for its order flow by these firms. Please also note that Robinhood was fined $65 million by the SEC in December 2020 for misleading customers about the source of its income.

    7. Dan*

      Re: micro loans

      I messed around with this a few years ago. There are a couple of different “products” out there. Kiva-style loans that RRAF mentions do not provide a financial return to the lender. So if you want to “make money” this isn’t the place.

      The other option are “peer to peer lending” platforms that *do* allow the lender to make money. I messed around with these circa 2007 and had a net loss on my loans. I haven’t kept up with the changes in the platforms since then, so I can’t tell you if those platforms are better for making money now. I suspect not by much.

      The theory of peer-to-peer lending sounds good, but what I learned about what was then termed “high risk” borrowers was that people in this category overall are in a lot of denial about their financial situation and are overly optimistic about what dead burdens they can manage.

      Let’s face it, if the banks could make money off these people, they would.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      My only advice here is to really, REALLY think about whether you want to be a landlord or not. I’ve done and it was horrible. I’d never do it again. We were responsible for all the maintenance and repairs, which can be expensive and a huge time suck. Plus, you’ll be having to worry about paying for that stuff for TWO houses. If something breaks in the rental, you can’t really put it off the way you could in your own home. Also, I had to evict tenants twice in six years and it cost me so much time, a ton of money, and endless worry. (And yes, we absolutely made mistakes, which made it even worse.) I know three other people who have been landlords and two of the three said they’d never do it again (one had tenants that totally trashed the place upon leaving–like they had to rip up entire rooms of flooring).

      That said, if this is something you truly want to do, absolutely pay the money each month to get a good property manager and make sure the tenants are screened so you hopefully don’t end up with people who won’t bother paying their rent.

      1. Washi*

        Just wanted to say that it’s your posts about your nightmare tenants that I remind myself of whenever I have a brief daydream about buying a duplex and renting out the other half. I hope all of the headache and heartache is behind you now!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes, it is! Thanks so much. :) (Man, that was such a rough period of my life.) We closed on the sale of the house a week before my back surgeries back in February 2020, which of course was right when the pandemic was heating up in the US, so I was able to focus on recovery–physically, mentally and financially. I am so, SO thankful we were able to sell it. We sold it at a loss, but we didn’t care. And I’m especially thankful we evicted the tenants several months before that. Had we not been able to, we’d still be stuck with them, not paying rent, due to the moratorium on evictions.

      2. Dan*

        Uh huh. I see your reply to me above, but I’m going to attach something here:

        Real estate is a numbers game, and I think one thing that works against mom-and-pop landlords (and is totally glossed over, albeit acknowledged) is that “one bad tenant” can really screw you hard. Whereas one bad tenant in a larger complex just gets lost in the noise.

        If you’ve got one unit, and one bad tenant, you can easily go *months* without collecting money on the unit. Can you (general you) really afford that? If you get a tenant who is “judgement proof” (meaning that even if they lose a civil suit, there is no practical way to force recovery of damages) you’re toast. Those people are bad enough, but they’ll leave eventually… after your legal bills pile up. If you get a professional deadbeat who knows how to play the game, you’re really screwed, because they can delay and stall and get you to do things that reset certain clocks.

        And if you’re thinking of buying property in areas that are covered by rent control laws, think very, very hard about what you’re doing. Professional deadbeats + rent controlled properties can put a small landlord into bankruptcy.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Professional deadbeat–that was our first set of tenants. The wife knew exactly how to work the system and several times I had to restart the clock because I made a mistake with a form or something (we did the eviction on our own and had never done this before), which bought them extra time. I sued in small claims court and surprisingly got the money. Although her husband ended up having to pay it, because she decided to have an affair and left him holding the bag. (To this day I’m convinced her husband either didn’t know she wasn’t paying the rent, or he didn’t know the extent of it.)

          The second tenants, friends of a friend, had issues of their own making that led to them not paying rent, but were not professional deadbeats. I was planning to sue them in small claims for the back rent and all the damage they did when they left, but the pandemic hit and I just couldn’t bring myself to sue them at that time. I still plan to eventually even though I know I’ll never see the money.

          Paying the mortgage on my residence plus the mortgage on the rental was horrible and we did it for many months. Evictions don’t happen within weeks–it’s more like months because of the process of serving the papers, waiting for deadlines, etc. And it’s even harder when they have kids or it’s wintertime.

          1. Dan*

            “Paying the mortgage on my residence plus the mortgage on the rental was horrible and we did it for many months. ”

            When contingency planning for pretty much anything is discussed, one thing that will come is the likelihood that some extreme event is going to happen. What also needs to be considered is the extent of the damages.

            I quoted your “months” above, but TBH, if one is considering mom-and-pop land lording, one needs to be in a position to cover not getting rent on the unit for a year. (Either a non-paying tenant or nobody wants to rent it.) Then, one should realistically have the means to put a landlord/tenant attorney on retainer. At that point, I’d say that someone is up to the task of actually thinking about whether this is the thing for them.

            If the hopeful landlord doesn’t have the means to cover those expenses, hopeful landlord should be aware that they could be one bad tenant away from financial disaster.

    9. T. Boone Pickens*

      I’d be more inclined to look at either donor mutual funds (Fidelity has them) or ESG funds versus straight micro loans but that’s just me.

    10. Canadian Camping Fan*

      I can’t remember the term, but I’ve heard that the more reliable investment is something which matches the overall stock market and for which you pay as little overhead as possible. Mutual funds rarely do as well after you pay for management fees.

      I have been a landlord and it went well. I rented to a friend of a friend, someone who wasn’t close to either of us but I got a recommendation of very high reliability and that was true. The rent was paid reliably for 8 years and I addressed all the problems remotely. I only stopped because I moved back to the area. The renter knew well ahead of time, and had always known that it was dependent on my being away. In my case I didn’t make money on the rent, but I have more equity in the home. If I were to consider having a rental for an investment I would consider…
      In Canada a rental mortgage can only have the interest deducted. I ‘lost’ money in taxes because I had paid off a lot of the home, whereas if I had bought the home more recently and was paying more in interest then I would have deducted more.
      When you sell a home here, you pay capital gains on the price increase. So if you buy it for $100k and sell it for $150k then you pay tax on $25k (capital gains is essentially ‘paying half the tax’). This won’t matter as much if you have a lower retirement income.
      Most important, what is the rent:buying ratio in your location. Do the numbers to see what is worthwhile. Assume you buy a home for $100k, and pay 20% downpayment to avoid mortgage insurance. That $80k mortgage will be $13k in principle and $7500 in interest for 5 years (quick online calculator). So $350 monthly, of which $125 is interest and can be deducted. City taxes here would be $100/month for that house, and those can also be deducted. You can also deduct repairs.
      Say you charge $725 + utilities. Of that $725, you deduct $100 + $125, so you would have to pay income taxes on $500. I had a regular job, so I paid high enough taxes (say $200) and that left me $300 to pay the $225 principle. So I had $75 each month to pay for repairs, and it took my time. In my case the benefit was having a home to return to, and I would have been better off if I had a retirement income.

      If you live in a place where the homes are $200k and the rent $500… that won’t work!

        1. Canadian Camping Fan*

          Thanks! I thought so, but didn’t want to be wrong. My quick search on google wasn’t helpful.

    11. MissGirl*

      I went super simple when I wanted to start dabbling in investments. I opened an account at SoFi. They let you choose your risk tolerance and then spread your money across a ratio of bonds and stocks based on your risk level. I put in a little each month to a conservative one and a riskier one. The investments are all indexes. From what I’ve learned most people who pick and choose stocks have the same returns or even less than indexes.

      If it goes up great, if it drops the money I’m putting in will buy stocks at a lower value.

    12. NoLongerYoung*

      Boring is good. Landlording has been covered. But … why? Are you chasing these things because you want an interesting investment? More return? (More return comes with more risk, and I have finance training and dont do anything riskier than the ultra low fee stock market index funds at Vanguard).
      If your mind is wandering and you are finding the learning of the basics boring, branching out from the basics is not the way (kindly said) to go first.
      There as are some awesome books written from different perspectives. I do understand-even with my (insert name of degree) , some of it is so dry that your eyes glaze.
      * You want to find someone who explains in a way that resonates.
      * Find some online calculators.
      * Maybe join a local stock investment group and do a modest shadow portfolio,.or keep investing (I do laddering….same amount in a balanced portfolio, month in month out, buy and hold, lowest fees.on Lippert 10 rated funds).
      *take the a small.ampunt of money and create a micro-share portfolio and try active management.
      But…at the end of the day, you may find this is not a hobby area, and a basic portfolio strategy…and a completely different hobby/retirement pastime is more fun.

      Just…think about your goals. My one dear friend who is actively managing his portfolio in retirement is the same guy who lines up his pencils in the same order, etc. Very meticulous. I’m not. So I choose a different route where I just invest and hold. We are coming out the same, but I have my interests elsewhere as I have more time.

    13. Taxachusetts*

      I do microlending through Kiva. You get to read through all of the projects to see who you want to support. You get a lot of regular updates and the loans are almost always paid back so you can go on to find lots of other people.

  18. Sled dog mama*

    So the incident I’m describing happened at work but it struck me as a issue with society and more appropriate for weekend thread discussion.
    Earlier this week I wore a scarf covering my hair to work (my hair was in need of washing and I overslept). I also have recently come to the conclusion that I would like to cover my hair regularly and was viewing this as a sort of trial run. I have one or two very judgmental coworkers and thought I was prepared for negative reactions from them. I was not prepared for how negative one reaction was or my reaction to the comment.
    I work in a cancer center so seeing women with a scarf covering their head is not an unusual thing. Several of my coworkers commented that my scarf was very lovely and I was really unprepared for how much more pretty I felt wearing it.
    At lunch one (particularly abrasive) coworker approached me and asked if I was becoming a [slur I will not repeat].
    I was somewhat speechless and could only reply that no I was not. The more I thought about it the more upset and mad I got. The slur she used typically refers to those who wear a turban for religious reasons. What if she said it in the hearing of a patient or to a patient who was covering their head for reasons besides hair loss. And then I thought about how that morning when I put my scarf on I had felt beautiful and after her comment I just felt sick. I don’t know how I could have reacted in the moment (I wanted to call her a moron but had the presence of mind to realize that would not go over well).
    Does anyone have any advice for general preparation for negative comments? I live in an area where a decent amount of the female population covers their head for religious reasons so I know people are aware of it.
    What can I do in my own head to help myself have less of a reaction to negative comments and how do I let them affect me less?
    Thanks!

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      That sounds like the perfect opportunity to use the shocked silence followed by an icy, “What did you just say?!” How to get out of your own head, I couldn’t say, but how you dress, assuming you’re dressed appropriately for the occasion at hand, is entirely your decision. Toddlers seem to have it down to a science- my niece used to dress up for grocery runs in sparkly lighted shoes, a fireman’s helmet, and a tutu. She had decided she looked beautiful, and so she was!

    2. Jay*

      I am so sorry this happened to you. If I heard that comment from someone at work (I’m a doc) I would either speak to her supervisor or call the anonymous compliance line. That’s religious harassment and it’s completely unacceptable for all the reasons you cite.

      The answer to your actual question is going to sound pat and trite. Self-care. I don’t mean massages or mani/pedis (although I miss both quite a lot). I mean emotional and spiritual self-care. Comments like that are about the person who makes the comment, not about you, and it’s really hard to remember that in the moment. I find I can avoid falling into the shame and self-hate much more readily when I’m feeling centered and calm. For me, that’s a regular prayer and meditation practice and making sure I have time in my day to really catch my breath and I don’t rush from one thing to another. That helps me ignore people like this and move on in peace.

      I haven’t yet been able to respond with empathic curiosity, which is the only productive way I know of to actually engage productively with racist comments. I wish I could say “Why do you say that?” with true interest.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “If I heard that comment from someone at work (I’m a doc) I would either speak to her supervisor or call the anonymous compliance line.” This!

        Seems like the supervisor would want to know about this.

    4. pancakes*

      It is entirely appropriate to have a reaction to and feel affected by someone making intensely bigoted comments. I’m sure there’s some good advice on this site about how to respond. A quick search just now pulled up a June 1, 2017 post titled “my coworker used a racial slur at our boss’s home,” and a Nov. 5, 2018 podcast titled, “my boss uses an offensive slur.” There are others if you search for slur.

      1. Not A Manager*

        I’m so sympathetic to letting one or two negative reactions spoil your own pleasure. Please keep dressing to please yourself, and if it helps, when you feel a bit stung ask yourself if you really want to dress in such a way that people that *that* will approve of you.

    6. Llellayena*

      Give a confused look and ask “Does it matter?” If she doubles down on it you can say “that’s rude and bigoted and I hope you never use that term around patients.”

    7. pieforbreakfast*

      I think having simple one/few word responses to fall back on makes it easier to say something. Feeling you need to have a come-to-Jesus statement prepared is too much for the moment. Like “Gross” or “what a gross comment” and then silence. 25 years ago I had a professor say that to us in overhearing conversation in class and it struck me more than any longer comment would have.

    8. ShinyPenny*

      I have read, and my own experience supports the idea, that being able to un-freeze and respond in the moment AT ALL really changes the dynamic. I feel less like a victim, and the bully is more likely to choose an “easier” victim (or a more accepting audience).
      My go-to is a calm, emphatic “That is NOT ok.” With full eye contact.
      The bully’s come back is always some variation of minimizing or explaining or whatever. A wall of words.
      I do not engage with any of that. I only repeat, “No. That is NOT ok.” As I walk away (ideally) or otherwise withdraw my attention.
      The great thing is, I never have to fumble around in the totally stressful moment of shocked surprise to competently articulate to a hostile audience *exactly* what was horrible about what they said. They know! They just want to keep messing with you!
      This strategy works for any topic: racism, body judging, sexism, homophobia, basic meanness…
      And I only have ONE thing to execute in that moment: Say my 4 words and walk away.
      Of course I aspire to more! But always being able to, at least, very clearly express my rejection of their meanness is so empowering, and really changes how I feel about the encounter. I can’t avoid being chosen as a target or drafted as an unwilling audience, because bullies are out there– but I can voice my total rejection of their ideas.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I bought dumbbells and they finally arrived yesterday. I’m looking forward to doing exercises with them. My arms and shoulders are not strong. I’ve been avoiding exercises that put my weight on my arms and shoulder (e.g. downward facing dog) because I’m heavy and I don’t want to hurt myself. Again.
      Does anyone know of any videos that explain good posture while doing exercises with dumbbells? Abs engaged, shoulders back, etc.?
      I was thinking of going walking this morning, but it’s grey out so I don’t want to. I’ll do something else instead.

      1. nep*

        The most important thing, I’d say, is make sure you warm up before doing any weight-bearing exercises at all. Any time I’ve ever strained myself working it, the cause was inadequate warm-up…I rushed through it and didn’t warm up properly/for long enough.
        I love the corny, knowledgeable Bob & Brad on YouTube. They are physical therapists and they often demonstrate exercises; they might have something along those lines. (You’re on the right track there–shoulders back and down–never scrunched up around your ears.)

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        One option for pushups I’ve found – I can’t do them the normal way because they wreak havoc on my wrists, but a modified option is to stand up and do them vertically against a wall. It’s still some body weight exercise, but not quite as stressful on the joints as the normal version.

        1. nep*

          Hear, hear. Wall pushups are great, because they train you to stay in that straight plank position. Then move it to a countertop as you get stronger, then chair or bench, etc. But don’t ever think that wall or countertop pushups are not great exercise–wherever you are with that, that’s where you are and you will build strength (while listening to your body and being careful with shoulders and wrists).

          Just adding here: Heard this line in a meditation talk from years ago:
          ‘Watch this body
          and give it attention
          without judgment.’

      3. Y not?*

        I always recommend fitnessblender – they have a great attitude (the “listen to your body, do what you can do today”) and a wide range of videos. Just start with the 1s and 2s, build your way up. Rooting for you!

      4. Taxachusetts*

        Achieve Fitness Boston on You Tube and Instagram has a lot of great tutorials for all fitness levels.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Why are dumbbells so flippin expensive?! Geez.

      My five year old treadmill (which was a super basic cheapie to begin with) is starting to give up the ghost, so between my burgeoning jogging habit and my husband’s insistence that he needs to lose some weight, we decided that our next big purchase is going to be a nicer one – I’m looking at one of the mid-range Nordic Track ones. (The Peloton Tread is tempting, but I’m annoyed that in addition to the cost of the device there’s a mandatory contract period with the $40/month version of their app. :-P )

      However, I currently have free trials of both the cheaper Peloton app (two month free trial if you sign up through tomorrow) and iFit going so I can see how I like those – apparently having a trainer talk to me while I jog makes it much less of a trial, hah. And I’m on track for 20+ minutes of working out every day this month so far, which was my goal!

    3. LGC*

      I did my longest run of the year (13 1/2 miles) in 15 degree temps! It was…not quite as unpleasant as I thought it’d be!

      I’m kicking myself for forgetting my handwarmers, though. That wasn’t great.

      1. Hi there*

        Wow! Nice work. I did about half that and was happy but somehow ended up with stomach cramps in the late afternoon, ugh. After sleeping for 11 hours I felt mostly better.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I was craving stew this week so I bought some beef cubes.
      Would it be fine if I add canned mixed beans in the stew? Like, in the later part of cooking. I want to try and get through the cans I have in my pantry and I have no idea what to do with mixed beans. It’s too cold to eat salads.

      1. Bobina*

        Yup. I make chilli etc all the time with canned beans. As long as you like the beans you have and think they’ll go well with the stew, add away!

      2. lapgiraffe*

        Add beans at the end, they really just need to be heated through if they’re canned and presumably already cooked. Don’t want them turning to mush (unless you do, then add early haha)

      3. MissCoco*

        I think so! As long as they aren’t in so long they get mushy it should be a nice texture as well as some color.

      4. PhyllisB*

        Don’t know what type of mixed beans you have (if it’s the kind you make three bean salad with, this won’t work!!) But if it’s things like kidney beans, pinto beans or canelli beans then you can make a dish of baked beans. Everyone has their favorite method; I add a chopped onion, some brown sugar (no more than a tablespoon, a good dash of yellow mustard and a good squirt of ketchup (or bbq sauce if you like that better.) If you’re not vegetarian, add some strips of bacon on top. Cover and bake at 350 for maybe 30-45 minutes then uncover add bake until bacon starts to crisp up. You can also make “cowboy” beans. For that you leave out the ketchup and add a pound of ground beef to the bean mixture. Oh, and don’t forget to drain the beans before adding or it will take forever for the liquid to cook out.

      5. Clisby*

        Sounds really good to me. When I’m lazy, I slice up 2-3 onions, put them in a pot with stew beef cubes, and simmer it all in beef broth (I use Swanson’s but there are plenty of others.) I usually just put this over rice or mashed potatoes, but you could easily add canned beans, diced carrots and potatoes, and the like.

      6. Katrin*

        Butter beans are a staple part of my beef stew, I’m sure mixed beans would also taste good. I normally put everything in at the same time and let it cook for most of the day in a slow cooker, but putting the beans in near the end should be fine too.

    2. Sled dog mama*

      Today I am making a large pot of broth. I got a new stockpot for Christmas and finally get to use it for the first time!

    3. Anon Ranger*

      I got turnips and turnip greens and jicama in my CSA the other day. Anyone have a favorite recipe for any of those?

      1. detaill--orieted*

        Jicama is good sliced into sticks with dip. Or you can do what my housemate and I did in college, and bake it like any other root vegetable until it gets soft, which is never. Good lord.

      2. lapgiraffe*

        I love making a “slaw” with jicama, either matchstick, cubed, or diced, throw in a tropical fruit (mango, pineapple) with some thinly sliced shallot and cilantro, maybe a little bit of a spicy pepper, dressed in a little sherry vin, olive oil, and a sprinkle of salt, I put it on fish or pair it with any protein in a taco. I even threw pomegranate seeds in last time because I had some and it was excellent. It will last for several days so I kinda just throw it on anything

        1. TX Lizard*

          That sounds so good! Do you think it would go well with salmon? I am new to eating fish and that’s about all I can consistently make

          1. lapgiraffe*

            Definitely!! For me it’s about how you prepare it not what fish, either keep it simple with salt and pepper or go for seasonings that work with the accompaniment. Here I might considered a Cajun spice or Jamaican jerk, and serve with a green veggie like steamed broccoli or sautéed sugar snap peas.

    4. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      New soup recipe for me! Chicken noodle with udon noodles, garlic, ginger, lime, spinach and a quick hit of turmeric. Hopefully warming leading up to this storm we’re supposed to be getting.

      1. lapgiraffe*

        Oooo this sounds lovely and maybe soup/stock making will be my snowstorm meal too! Since it’s quite chilly here I was thinking I might just go buy some good ramen takeaway, a great place nearby does a “mapo tofu” one that is nicely spicy, and they do a rich legit broth as well, maybe I’ll do an extra egg…

        1. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

          That ramen sounds delicious! Makes me miss living in a big city and having a good ramen place right down the block.

        2. TX Lizard*

          I make (gluten free) ramen at home and what really makes it extra good is a shoyu egg. They are super easy to make and they add so much. I also just eat them cold for breakfast.

      2. Coenobita*

        That sounds amazing! Chicken soup with ginger is my ultimate comfort food. My mom makes cabbage soup with ginger and chicken (picture chicken noodle but with cabbage strips instead of noodles) and I swear it has healing powers. And I’ve already decided that the first restaurant meal I eat post-covid will be pho ga from the neighborhood pho place.

        Are you using a specific recipe? And if so, can you share it?

            1. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

              No problem! I tried it last night and I don’t think I will use the udon noodles next time.

    5. BlueWolf*

      Definitely feeling a lot of soups and stews this week since we’re finally getting some snow in the DC area. I made a Lebanese chicken and chickpea stew (recipe from amateurgourmet.com) the other night that was super simple and tasty (I added kale also for greens). I think I’m going to make pork chili verde tomorrow (Washington Post recipe). I made it a couple weeks ago and it was super tasty and an easy one pot meal.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Very cold here (southern New Hampshire) – not unusual for the time of year, but it’s been warmer than usual so this is a bit jarring. Anyway, it’s VERY conducive to longings for slow-cooker stews or chili, something hot and filling and aromatic… That said, while I undoubtedly WILL cook something like that soon, just at the moment I bailed on cooking for myself at all and am supping on a California Pizza 3-cheese pizza and a “Swipe Right” IPA from the Backyard Brewery in Manchester NH.

    7. Chilipepper*

      I make a vegan mapo tofu every Sunday. And then I make a “bowl” for weekday lunches. This week it is a miso mushroom bowl with lots of veggies, edamame, rice, and a miso sauce.

      1. Chilipepper*

        Oh, but one of the best moments has to be when a very bemused Matt Damon says, I’ve never had so much fun on a talk show!

  21. Teapot Translator*

    Is anyone else here a Graham Norton Show fan? I’m not in the UK, so I only watch the clips that are put on YouTube by the show or the BBC.
    Do you have a favourite clip?
    I think I watch a clip nearly every single day. It’s best if I don’t do it before going to bed because then I end up in a never ending loop.

    1. Lady Alys*

      My favorite silly clip involves James McEvoy and Mark Ruffalo riding unicycles around the set. Short but hilarious…. And there goes my afternoon as I look for more…

    2. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      When Mary Berry talked about teaching a baking class in the US and got stopped at customs because she brought her own pre-measured flour, sugar…

    3. Bobina*

      If you’re happy to use a VPN or do some good sleuthing, you can usually find the full episodes on Youtube!

      But yes, I love it when its on because its part of my Saturday morning ritual :)

    4. Other Meredith*

      Chris O’Dowd and the fly. It gets me every time. Also Jamie Dornan talking about how he’s not good at walking is way more charming than it should be since it’s in a 50 Shades context.

    5. Nessun*

      Benedict Cumberbatch and Chris Pine! The discussion on fans is HILARIOUS. And Toni Collette, Nick Frost, and the little robot dancing!! But my All Time Favourite is the interview with Matt Smith and David Tennant from the special Doctor Who episode – the tattoo guy and the red chair stuff…I love it.

      1. EBennett*

        There is a hysterical scene from a 2016 episode where John Malkovich is flummoxed by a Red Chair story and Tim Hiddleston & Samuel L Jackson try to explain.

        1. Canadian Camping Fan*

          I feel like there was a really funny explanation to Dame Judy Dench at some point.

          And yes, Greg Davies and his mother’s laundry and the curry with the hearing-impaired student.

    9. Older and bolder*

      I’m in the EU at present and yes, each whole episode is on YouTube, except for most movie clips and most live music. Set VPN for somewhere outside US & UK.
      Can’t pick a funniest one tho. That show rocks!

    10. Buni*

      I love Graham Norton so much because it’s not like other shows where the host ‘interviews’ one or two subjects; GN just gets a good mix of people – not a sensible mix, or a logical mix – and more or less just leaves them to it. There’s just as much interaction between the guests themselves as there is between guests + host. Half the time whatever the event the guests are on for – film launch, new album – is dealt with in the first two minutes, and then it’s a free-for-all.

      And it’s late-night BBC so they’re given a drink and allowed to swear.

    11. Teapot Translator*

      I just want to say that I know all of the clips you mentioned! I have seen them all.
      Yesterday, I rewatched the clip where Louis Theroux explains to Renée Zellweger and Lenny Henry what he did for one of his documentaries. So funny. “And you thought you’d committed to Judy.”

    12. Chilipepper*

      Huge Graham Norton fan! Life is short so my post pandemic goal is to get tickets to his show.

      I love them all so much I dont have a fav.

  22. detaill--orieted*

    What is handwriting nowadays?

    When my lovely teen daughter handwrites, she prints, and not especially well. Now, my mother thinks she needs to learn script, which is about as good as any parental job advice we see here :-). I don’t think any schools have taught script for decades!

    But, for young adults at work, what is the norm? For the few brief things that we still don’t do typed or electronically, what does handwriting look like?

    Thanks!

    1. TX Lizard*

      I write in both print and cursive (I teach cursive to children so mine is on the very readable end of that spectrum). I prefer cursive because it is faster and feels more natural for taking notes. I use print on forms and documents where spelling needs to be extremely clear.

    2. Jay*

      I’m a doc. I go weeks without having to write anything on paper except notes to myself (which I could also do on my phone but I prefer a paper list on my desk).

      As long as it’s legible {insert doctor handwriting joke here} it doesn’t matter if it’s print or cursive. My husband is a scientist and he prints. My daughter taught herself cursive when she was 10 or 11 because she wanted to, and her handwriting now is mostly printing. Legible matters. Print/cursive doesn’t.

    3. LGC*

      I mostly print, myself. That’s basically all you need as the vast majority of jobs aren’t writing heavy.

      She does need to learn how to read script if she hasn’t, though! Even until the 90s, script was very common, so it’s good if you have to deal with older documents. (And even now, some people write in script. My neighbor – who’s in his mid 30s – does.)

      So, I hate to say it but I think your mom isn’t wrong. She can definitely get by without learning script, but it does help.

    4. Anon for this*

      One thing that we lose with not knowing how to write in cursive is also the ability to read cursive. I think it’s important to know how to do both but in practical terms, adults are rarely told what to use unless it’s an official form that needs to be legible.

      1. Grim*

        23 year old nephew can’t read cursive as it is no longer taught in public school here in the SF bay area.

        Found this out when he stopped reading my vday card aloud when he came to my cursive writing.

      2. LGC*

        This, oh my god, THIS!

        I found out one of my coworkers (now one of my friends) couldn’t read cursive when we were working together. (I’m now 36, he’s six years younger than I am, this was like…seven or eight years ago, now.) I mentioned that it’s important for jobs where you work with older documents.

        We were file clerks. Working regularly with stuff that dated back to the 90’s, and sometimes earlier. He admitted that he couldn’t read cursive and it literally blew my mind. I’d known they’d stopped regularly teaching cursive, but when I was in grade school in the 90’s, it was hammered into my head.

        He…didn’t do great at that job.

    5. NerdyPrettyThings*

      I taught high school up until this year. Most students print when they sign a form. My kid (18, graduated last year) learned to write his name in script, but not the whole alphabet. One of his elementary teachers taught each student only their own name, but I think it was just her class that learned even that. Over the last five years or so that I taught, students began to complain that they couldn’t read script if I handwrote something, which was a noticable change from previous years.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My writing is sort of a cross between printing and script – some of the letters join together and some don’t, but I definitely don’t do like, Palmer method and who the heck decided that a capital Q should look like a 2 anyway. :-P these days most of my handwriting is on a tablet, and handwriting to text tends to work pretty well for me.

      My husband, after thirty years of tabletop roleplaying games, writes very small in block caps for everything. It’s very legible, but the all caps annoys me to read and means that he can’t really use handwriting to text features because it comes out the same all caps it went in. I think the only thing I’ve ever seen him even approximate cursive is his signature, which is two capital letters and a scribble.

      2. Laura H.*

        I also mash/ mesh print and script. But it leans heavily towards print with kinda connected letters.

        Although I was taught, I never could quite do full cursive. I didn’t quite develop the fine and gross motor skills that are required. I do know how to sign my name in a more scripty style but it’s not quite true to form cursive. (I’m an anomaly- a millennial with a checkbook, and while I don’t sign checks often, it’s an option that I like having.)

        And if it’s not someone whose script I see regularly, it does sometimes take a bit to “translate”.

      3. Reba*

        I’m sorry, but that is super funny about your spouse’s handwriting coming out as shouty type!

        I also write in a hybrid hand, and I feel like that is pretty consistent among the people I work with, too. If someone has super tidy or “correct” handwriting, it’s noteworthy, like ooh, teacher writing!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          It is super funny! He got an app that would do handwriting to text on his tablet and he was super excited about it, and then the first sentence came out in all caps and he was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Because neither of us had even thought about that the output would match the input :)

      4. Workerbee*

        That is my writing too, a strange mix of print and cursive. And I always thought the Q, Z, G, etc., looked ridiculous.

        My handwriting has become horrendous over the years anyway as I probably have used a keyboard for more years than I’ve done longhand, by now.

        Whereas my dad has always written in small capital letters, very easy to read. His signature, however, is a thing of beauty and was deliberately developed both for style and so it would be difficult to copy. :)

    7. lapgiraffe*

      Perhaps looking at “will it be needed for work” is not the best way. Not only will work look totally different by the time your daughter gets there, learning cursive is about different things – working on fine motor skills, one form of artistic and creative expression, activating different parts of your brain, engaging in something for reasons beyond work and capital.

      Other related skills that schools don’t bother with – writing a check and addressing an envelope. When my now 18 year old cousin was 16 and spent the summer with my family (she’s Canadian by way of France, her father/my uncle wanted her to experience life down south ha!) my mom took her somewhere (the smokies?) and bought some postcards, handed her a couple to write to her family and she literally looked at my mom like she has five heads.

      1. Bobina*

        Lol. I’ve never had to write a check in my life (early 30s) but I do love sending postcards to people, so thats still a valid life skill! And then my mother tells me how terrible my handwriting is :)

        1. lapgiraffe*

          I had all but stopped but 1) the Russian dry cleaner/tailor I love is cash or check only 2) I bought a house and every single tradesman is still all about those checks! Maybe the young generation will switch to cash app eventually but all the cranky old men who fix my toilets and electrical work are delightfully analog.

          1. fposte*

            Yeah, in my area it’s a lot of house services and it’s my garbage company. A few places can take credit cards but you have to call into the office—the service person can’t take the payment.

        2. Coenobita*

          That’s so funny! I’m turning 35 this year and, while this isn’t the case any more, I did SO MANY things by check in my 20s. Now that I think about it, I was still writing monthly rent checks as of 2015 or 2016. I still have fun novelty checks with cartoon bugs on them! My wife, on the other hand, doesn’t even have a checkbook so I have to write the occasional check for her.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            I’m the only one in my house who has a checkbook :) my housemates pay me their rent via Apple Pay or direct bank transfer.

        3. Clisby*

          My daughter is 24 and I recently was talking to her about an article I had read about “oh, you lazy baby boomers, why didn’t you teach your children all these necessary skills …” and one was how to keep a checkbook. My daughter said, “I’ve never needed to write a check.”

          She has sent us postcards, so somehow she managed to figure that out.

        1. Dan*

          I have a friend a decade older than me who still uses paper checks for pretty much everything. I make fun of her every time she pays a bill in front of me.

          I hadn’t written a check in a decade, and it didn’t really occur to me that I never got checks for the checking account I’ve had for that long. Last year, my property management company sold my apartment complex, and the new landlord uses a different electronic payment system. For one month, while they switched things over, we had to pay rent via check. I was kind of irritated, because um, no checks.

        2. The Other Dawn*

          I write a few a year. Sometimes I can’t pay something online and have to use a check. Or I might send a check to a relative for a birthday, someone who doesn’t have Venmo, etc.

        3. Generic Name*

          If I didn’t have a kid I wouldn’t. Some stuff for school or activities is best paid by checks. My ex sends a check for child support. My husband, a 1099 contractor just sent a check to the irs for taxes, as he was having trouble with online payments.

        4. Blomma*

          I pay both my massage therapist and acupuncturist by check as paying with a card isn’t an option and I prefer not to carry around a bunch of cash. (I’m 31.)

        5. Clisby*

          I write a few a year (I don’t do Venmo or Cashapp, and I’m not going to, so those aren’t available. If the recipient doesn’t have Paypal and doesn’t take credit cards – practically nobody I encounter – then I can come up with a check.)

        6. HBJ*

          This is always so odd to me. I’m a relatively young person, and we write lots of checks. Every rental we’ve had, save one, have been paid via check. One had an online system for card payments, but we would be assessed the credit card fee. A 3% fee on, say, a $1,000 rental is $30 a month. That adds up, so we never paid that way. I suppose I could have asked about doing a bank transfer, but it was never presented as an option. All our charitable giving is also done by check. Again, it saves on the CC fees. I never really thought about it until I started seeing things like “check this box to cover the CC fee” on charitable giving sites. And I’d check the box to see what it would add to my donation and would be appalled. That’s when we started mailing checks.

          1. fhqwhgads*

            I pay things by check, but I very rarely write checks. Electronic checks all the way. Set up online. Mailed automatically to arrive before the due date.

        7. Yellow Warbler*

          All of my utilities charge a “convenience fee” for any type of payment other than a mailed check, between 5 and 10 dollars. I would love to be able to set everything to autopay via PayPal, but water/sewer/electric companies seem eager to revel in the Dark Ages.

          1. HBJ*

            This is because they don’t want to be stuck with the credit card fees. If you pay by CC, they’re essentially getting shorted around 3% of the price or a flat fee. We’re used to grocery stores and major retailers like Amazon ignoring it (or rather, building it into their pricing structure), but it really adds up. Some of our local thrift stores will not accept CC payments for purchases less than than $x because of the fees. I’ve seen a lot of smaller merchants having either a “cash/check payments receive a 3/5/7% discount” or “CC payments will be assessed a 3/5/7% surcharge” noted on invoices, and they specifically note it’s to cover the CC fees.

            1. fhqwhgads*

              Almost all credit card merchant agreements explicitly include a clause that you can’t do anything to dissuade customers from using that method of payment, so often when businesses add that surcharge, they’re in violation of their own agreement. They often don’t realize that – or get caught – but by trying to recoup that fee in this way, they’re risking their ability to take CCs at all.

              1. HBJ*

                From my research, there was a Supreme Court case about this that said it was legal for merchants to pass on the fees.

        9. allathian*

          I’m in Finland, and checks, with the sole exception of American Express traveler’s checks, haven’t been legal tender for years!

    8. Coenobita*

      My friend is a lawyer who has also worked in education and healthcare (basically, she’s been successful at a variety of jobs) and her handwriting is printing in all caps! We met in college 15+ years ago and that’s been her writing style the whole time.

      I personally write in a sloppy cursive-ish style unless I’m filling out a form or something. But I’m in my mid 30s and was required to write exclusively in cursive in grade school – the school went all in on the D’Nealian method LOL. These days there are plenty of smart, successful young professionals who don’t even really know how to read cursive, let alone write in it and despite what some people will tell you, it’s fine :)

    9. Woman of a Certain Age*

      This brings back so many BAD memories of learning the Palmer Method of cursive in Catholic school. Getting wacked with rulers by Nazi nuns and having my left hand tied behind my back. I suppose that something is lost in not teaching it, but IMO the cost wasn’t worth it.

    10. No Tribble At All*

      I’m 27 — does that still count as a young adult? (jk) Unless she’s a very fast typist, she’ll still need to take notes for class on paper, plus writing out can help you remember, plus not everything can be neatly typed. I use a tablet and stylus for notes now. Reading cursive is still important mostly because everyone I know above the age of 60 uses cursive. I had to get my boyfriend to read my birthday card from my grandma because I’m so bad at reading cursive. I don’t find it faster to write. I use a kind of joined-up in the middle script when I have to write really quickly.

      Can she read her own handwriting?

      1. Tabby*

        I cannot write out notes to save my life. Never have been able to, even in school. Strangely, I’ve also never needed to take notes for class, and have been threatened with a failing grade for not opening my book at all during class.

        I’m one of those weird people who tends to remember what’s needed in class (unless it’s math. Then, we,, you’re better off just not expecting me to do well in that class.)

        I’ve never figured out why everyone says note-taking helps you remember. It’s never helped me at all; in fact, it makes me forget everything.

        And yet, I’ve been told I have beautiful handwriting, both print and cursive.

    11. CatCat*

      My 18 year old step-son’s handwriting is atrocious (print, can’t do cursive). If he ever needs to handwrite in a work setting, he’s going to have to work on improving it… but maybe he’ll never need to handwrite at work.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I haven’t had to hand write at work in seven years, barring the occasional post-it note to myself and a once-a-year form for the employee flu shot clinics where I have to write my name and employee number.

        2. Person from the Resume*

          With work from home, I imagine what little handwriting was done has dropped to zero for many people.

      2. AK*

        my hotel uses a handwritten logbook to pass down notes from one shift to the next. There are also a lot of little lists and clipboards with handwritten notes that need to be legible – lost and found, guest packages, notes delivered to rooms with gifts or flowers like “enjoy the champagne courtesy of XYZ”

    12. Washi*

      She can always learn cursive later if she wants. It’s not rocket science or anything. I technically had a unit on cursive in elementary school, then never used it again. At somepoint in my late teens or early 20s, can’t remember exactly, but I decided I wanted to have the option of having pretty handwriting and taught myself cursive then (I actually found a computer font I liked and practiced copying that, but obviously there are legit workbooks and stuff you can get.) I always found the cursive I’d learned in school really ugly, so it ws nice to choose something I liked aesthetically.

      But I have never ever used it for work. I like making cards, so I just do it for that.

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Sincere question. How do people sign legal documents?

      I see that most people sign credit card receipts with some swirls. How does that work in cases of card theft, how does one prove or disprove that is or is not their signature?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve never been asked to prove whether my signature was used or not in credit card fraud situations, personally. I also don’t remember the last time anyone actually compared the signature I gave to the signature on my card. My cards all say See ID (in addition to my signature) and nobody ever does :P

        On most things, including legal documents that don’t specify that full name is required, I sign my name as it is on my driver’s license, which is a combination of initials and part of my hyphenated last name (if my name were Tangerina Warbleworth-Finnegan, I sign TWFinnegan). When I refinanced my house, they required that I sign my full name as it was printed on each document page, so if the signature line had “Tangerina Warbleworth-Finnegan” I had to sign the whole thing, and if it had “Tangerina Louisa Warbleworth-Finnegan” I had to sign THAT whole thing, and by the time I got through the ream of paperwork I practically couldn’t feel my right hand anymore, none of them were really legible, and I was grumbling about why hadn’t I just kept my four-letter previous married name instead of going back to my 8 letter maiden name and then hyphenating with another 7 letters on top of it. :P

        1. Natalie*

          When I bought my house, my mortgage broker tipped me off about leaving my middle name off the forms – “You’ll have to sign it that way about a hundred times.” Best advice ever.

      2. Something Blue*

        I always wondered about that. How do you sign really important papers like your will or life insurance policies? I thought print was discouraged because it was easier to forge.

        Thinking about people not signing in cursive makes me think of when literacy was less common and people would sign documents with their “mark” or an X.

        I always wondered how you’d prove an X wasn’t really you and you did NOT agree to whatever that document said!

        (I know parts of the world with low literacy rates still do documents that way. And I wonder how they prove/disprove that the marks are real. Maybe all such transactions have witnesses to vouch that person A really did agree to contract?)

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It used to be that someone would witness your X. So there were one or more signature lines below the X indicating who witnessed it.

    14. PostalMixup*

      I’m 32, and the only time I’ve ever had to use cursive was to write out the “I will not cheat” statement at the beginning of College Board exams, and even then, the proctor had to write a cursive capital I on the board because none of us could remember what it looked like. My elementary teachers made us learn because we’d have to use it in middle school, then my middle school teachers swore we’d use it all the time in high school, then my high school teachers said it would be required in college, and my college professors went “Why on earth would you hand-write that?”

      1. ampersand*

        That is so funny!

        Your anecdote does make me wonder why anyone would *need* to know how to write in cursive. Just because it’s tradition? Is it sad that we’re collectively losing this skill? I used to think so but I’m not sure anymore.

      2. Marillenbaum*

        It was useful in college and grad school (I’m 30), because on the occasions of having a blue book exam, all that writing was MUCH more tiring if you were printing than using script.

    15. Generic Name*

      Most of what we do is electronic, even taking field notes. On the rare occasion of writing something by hand in a form or something, folks typically print. I honestly couldn’t tell you what most of my coworker’s hand writing looks like. Since your daughter is a teen, I assume you are still working? What do you see at your workplace?

      1. detaill--orieted*

        I don’t know that my coworkers have ever seen my handwriting, except on a birthday card. I used to copyedit by hand on paper, but not for a while.

    16. Wishing You Well*

      Some schools quit teaching cursive writing, found it was a mistake and returned to teaching it. I can’t imagine seeing a printed signature and not thinking 2 things: our education system has really failed people and, wow, that would be so easy to forge. SMH

      1. Generic Name*

        I’ve been watching a lot of shows about forensic science, and cursive isn’t forgery proof while print is easy to copy. Every person has distinctive handwriting characteristics regardless of the style of writing used, and handwriting experts can generally tell if something is forged, even printed handwriting.

    17. MissCoco*

      You’ve just made me realize it has in fact been multiple decades since I started learning cursive in school.

      I am in professional school now, and worked as a lab manager for several years, so handwriting matters to me more than it probably should.

      Here are my impressions on handwriting of those in their early twenties:
      Most people print with some cursive elements. I don’t see a notable difference in the quality of handwriting from my high school and college classmates to my current ones, and there is still a huge variety in style, legibility, and neatness.
      Tablets make everyone’s writing worse.
      Bad print is easier to read than bad or idiosyncratic cursive.

      In the lab 100% of handwriting issues were fixed with a quick: “Hey Gred, I need some help deciphering this part of your notes, could you be a bit more careful about writing legibly in the future?”

    19. Emily*

      I’m 29. I learned cursive in elementary school, but can’t recall ever having needed or used it past middle school, where a few of my teachers would allow essay assignments to be written in cursive or typed. My print handwriting is reasonably neat and legible, and easier (for me, at least) to read than script.

    20. OyHiOh*

      I print and write cursive, both. I take meeting notes by hand (print, personal shorthand) because my desk/office set up doesn’t easily allow for typed notes and also because I group things by bubbles and lines to show connections and intersections.
      I’m an artist and writer. I use text on pieces sometimes, and usually print. I’ve a personal font that’s recognizably similar to Dnellian but has some personal characteristics thrown in.
      When I write personal cards to family, I usually use cursive.
      My hand, print or cursive, is legible and attractive, because I want it to be. When I take notes, it’s a mess and good luck reading my shorthand!

      My children . . . . youngest is a lefty, arty, likes pretty things. They have a neat, tidy printed hand. Have learned some cursive, which is also very pretty and tidy. This child actively practices their handwriting, because they like it and want to.
      Middle child is a righty, arty, gives up more easily, and has language-related learning disabilities. Their printed hand is pretty and legible, but unreadable because this child cannot spell. Severe dyslexia is a terrible taskmaster. They know some cursive, but don’t practice because it’s a lot of effort for not much reward.
      Oldest child is a righty, budding graphic novelist, also has language-related learning disabilities. This one has just enough dyspraxia (fine motor dysfunction) to make handwriting a huge struggle, without being educationally significant enough to qualify for occupational therapy. At this point, child is old enough that most homework is typed so it’s not longer an issue. However, because said child is interested in graphic novel illustration and writing, they’ve been learning simple calligraphy. As an “art” skill, they’re able to accomplish better results than with a more basic “school” skill.

      My oldest child went through thousands of hours of speech therapy as a preschooler/young elementary student. There is good clinical evidence that using your hand to record sounds and words makes a set of connections in your brain that’s different from typing it. The jury is very much out on if one type of memory storage is better than the other. For therapeutic purposes, being able to retrieve information along multiple, different paths through the brain is good but this isn’t really something that you have to consider for students who don’t have learning disabilities.

      1. allathian*

        There’s something to be said for writing things down by hand to improve short-term memory. I find that if I write a shopping list by hand, I’m much more likely to remember to buy the right items even if I lose the list on the way to the store, leave it in the car by mistake, or forget to take it with me.

    21. Sled dog mama*

      I’m 37 and can’t really print. I write in cursive 99% of the time, and have since about fifth grade (script was initially taught in 2nd grade). The only thing I have printed recently was my daughter’s card from the tooth fairy when she lost her first tooth.
      She is begging to learn “mommy writing”. I like cursive/script because it helps me keep my lines straight and even but as long as it’s legible who cares how you write, I do think it’s important to teach script writing so kids can read letters from their grandparents and parents and so kids who find printing hard have an alternative.

    22. Anon100*

      At my work, handwriting is mostly personal notes taken during informal meetings or post-it notes saying which container goes back to which shelf… So it depends but in the big picture, most things are typed and printed. That being said, knowing how to read cursive is useful if you need to read older documents that were handwritten in cursive.

      I learned to write cursive in the mid-1990s, and I personally like writing in cursive. Most of my generation did learn in 2nd thru 5th grade how to write in cursive, but I bet most of us only use cursive for signatures now. My younger sister’s (about 6 years younger than me so early 2000s) generation was maybe only taught how to write cursive for second grade and it was phased out of their curriculum. My younger sister’s handwriting in print is much neater than mine – my print handwriting is a messy combo scrawl of spiky print and cursive!

      1. Anima*

        Okay so, this might be a cultural difference here, but war exactly is “print” vs. “script”? Does that mean that a lot of you write like printed letters?!? That must take forever? I am 33 and I possibly write script. It’s extremely fast and comfortable for taking notes.
        As far as I know, here in Germany kids still get taught what we call “cursive”, but I’m a more readable way than I did get taught.
        That said, I needed to learn* how to read handwriting back to the 1600s, sooooo…. I can read almost anything. And that skill needs to be learned by more people, the world is full of old documents which might need to be read some day!
        *For university.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Script= Cursive
          This is where the letters in one word are all connected to each other.

          I agree that printing takes longer but I am more apt to be able to read it later, not so much with the cursive. ha! When I leave notes for others I print, it feels like an act of kindness.

        2. Washi*

          I think it just depends what you’re used to. In English, my printing is faster because I use it more and in my second language, my cursive/script is faster because I use it more.

        3. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Quick example-top is printing, bottom is cursive. https://imgur.com/nM9DC9D

          My printing is faster than my cursive, because I use it way more. I CAN get pretty fast on cursive, but it rapidly declines into illegibility.

          .

    24. Clisby*

      My children (24 and 19) were taught cursive script in elementary school. I’m not up on what’s being taught these days.

    25. Ginger Sheep*

      As a European, all this discussion is so incredibly weird to me! Nobody – or hardly anybody – prints where I live, and handwriting means cursive. I am an university professor and have a daughter in first grade. I can confirm that children are not taught to print in school and start off by cursive when they learn to write in kindergarten. Nobody believes cursive is harder than printing for handwriting, quite the opposite! And as a professor that still gets handed in handwritten end-of-term exams, I’d say that only about one student out of ten mostly prints instead of writing, and I always find it weird. Only exception is most adults, me included, use Roman capitals instead of cursive capitals. Which my first-grader teases me about!
      As our language is quite complicated to read, kids often write a nice cursive before they can proficiently read, which is kind of mind-boggling to English speakers !

      1. allathian*

        I’m in Finland. I was taught cursive at school, but largely gave that up after a year in the UK, when I had to switch to printing because nobody could read my cursive writing. When we returned, I mostly used a hybrid, where the shape of the letters was like printing, but where I joined some of them together. My son, who’s in 5th grade now, hasn’t learned cursive because it’s no longer being taught. He can’t read any of the Christmas and birthday cards his grandparents write, but his printing is pretty legible.

        When my dad was in college, he took an optional class in stenography. All his class notes were unintelligible to most of his coursemates.

      2. Buni*

        Likewise! I taught primary school in the UK (5-11yr olds) up until 2015 and ‘handwriting’ is taught right from the beginning. It’s not really one specific script, you’re allowed to have your own style, but you have to be able to do legible joined-up writing. All school lessons involve writing in books right up until you’re 16.

        1. allathian*

          When I was in the UK in the mid-80s, that was definitely the case as well. Not even the teachers could read my traditional Finnish script, which was full of loops and whirls. I compromised on something resembling British joined-up writing. That said, back home I had to relearn the loopy writing, because it was required for essays in high school. After that, I haven’t really used it much.

    26. Janet Pinkerton*

      Oh I get particularly salty on this topic. I’m 32, which I suppose is not particularly young anymore, and I literally cannot recall a single time in my life I have ever needed to read or write cursive (other than when I learned it in school). I had a fine cursive script but I no longer use it. And it has mattered not one whit. I, along with most people under the age of about 40, type far faster than I ever hand-wrote. My signature consists of three letters (Ja P) and it has not once caused me issues. I’m never going to be the secretary of the treasury nor the treasurer of the United States, so I will never truly need a better signature. (Although I confess is it by dearest dream to be the person who signs the money.)

      This topic strikes me as so much hand-wringing. Why, outside of reading cards from elderly relatives, would I ever need to read cursive? In case I get my hands on the original Declaration of Independence without access to a printed copy (say, online, like everything nowadays)? I have signed for two mortgages and my signature has never been an issue.

      And it’s not as if the time dedicated to teaching cursive writing is just free time now. Students have so much to learn! Even just typing and computer literacy—both crucial in modern society.

      1. detaill--orieted*

        OP here. THANK YOU ALL for your detailed and fascinating replies. It seems many of us have opinions on handwriting.

        My takeaway is:

        – A signature and being able to read cursive matter.
        – Speedy note-taking is an issue.
        – I’m right, no-one writes things at work!
        – And if my lovely child plans to move to Europe, they should prepare to practice script.

        1. Texas*

          Truthfully a signature being legible doesn’t matter. My signature changes every time I write it and it’s generally a bunch of wild loops but I’ve never had an issue. (And I’ve been instructed that it doesn’t matter because no one is checking (except in mail-in votes, but that’s consistency not legibility)). All my relatives over the age of 65 write in print. I don’t think I’ve seen anything from any of them that’s in cursive.
          I think this is one of those discussions that’s frustrating to read as a young person because it’s a bunch of hand-wringing over how the younger generation is less skilled/intelligent/useful because of something that really isn’t a big deal. I learned cursive in third grade, forgot it, and re-learned it in college from the internet because I wanted to do fancy bujo layouts. If anyone who doesn’t know cursive for some reason really really needs it, they can google a cursive alphabet and figure it out pretty quickly from there.

    27. ten four*

      At my job we only write on whiteboards, and print is preferred because everyone can read it! I personally have hilariously terrible handwriting, and it has not impacted my work (I’m a Director in a tech company)

    28. Marillenbaum*

      I use script, because a certain amount of note-taking is one of my job duties, and it’s so much faster. Also, I just enjoy how it looks. I rarely need to handwrite anything that someone else sees, but I figure that I like doing things well, and something like writing I’d rather be able to do easily and comfortably.
      That said, I did learn cursive in school, and honestly I wish we had started with cursive instead of print, because I remember how much I muddled certain letters as a kid and that’s much harder to do in cursive because the shapes are more distinctive.

    29. Not Australian*

      My grandson (23 and just married) wasn’t taught to sign his name at school. The first time I presented him with a legal document – I managed a bank account for him until he was 16 – he had to sign it and didn’t know how. I had to explain that it needed his surname as well as his first name.

      1. allathian*

        In theory. But in fact, it doesn’t have to be legible at all. Mine is a horrible scrawl and my signature is the initial of my first name and the first syllable of my last name, but only the capital cursive letters are legible.

        The first time I signed a legal document was when I was 8 and deposited what I had saved in a piggy bank in my first bank account. Naturally I wasn’t legally competent to sign my name, but after I had printed it legibly, the teller explained that it doesn’t need to be legible. My parents were there with me and it wasn’t a problem.

    30. Ina Lummick*

      I did learn joined up writing in school, but I started printing because I’d run out of time in exams. When I do write notes I can use a mix of print/my own style. (Where the letters: g j l d q f y look the same basically and I use И as a H.)

      These are just personal notes for me as I’m working remotely until further notice. Any written communication with colleagues is via digital means (chats/email).

      Anytime I have written notes for others to read I standardise it more so it is readable, but it’s not always print.

      Caveat – I live in the UK so cursive is more like print but with connections between letters – the only letter I found a little odd from US cursive was the lowercase r. There’s also not such a big thing about how you write as it seems to be in the US, as long as it can be read by others, you’re good. :)

    31. Older and bolder*

      I have two children with writing disabilities. Now in their thirties. One can manage cursive, but doesn’t use it. The other could not learn to make cursive. Neither has ever had the slightest problem (after getting past the teachers who tried to defy the Americans with Disabilities Act by giving them failing grades on essays) and one of them now lives in Europe, still doesn’t need cursive in his country. For signatures, one uses their unusual, short first name and a scribble, the other uses their initials with a line through them. Zero issues. I now live in a European country where people have very long last names. I have yet to see a sig that’s longer than about 4 letters. Adults. We cope.

    32. Chilipepper*

      My son is 30 this year and he cannot read cursive. Which is a little strange to me bc the way many people (myself included) write, it is really just joined up printing.

  23. green*

    Super silly question. Show me your air-tight pet food storage? Our kibble comes in 12 pound bags. All the storage I find is either for 10 pounds or 25 pounds. I’m tired of having to keep a ziplock of the overflow.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      “IRIS USA 3 Piece Airtight Pet Food Storage Container Combo” on Amazon — mine is the larger bin in this set, and it holds a 14 pound bag of meat cereal pretty much perfectly.

    5. CatCat*

      We buy our cat food in 12 lb bags and use Gamma2 Vittles Vault Outback 15 lb Airtight Pet Food Storage Container (bought on Amazon) and if works great. I had to get something because one of our kitties was breaking into the food bags.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        We have these (for pet food, and others for beans and rice) and they work great. Stackable, too.

    7. Generic Name*

      My husband has a big plastic tote for the dog food, but he often leaves the lid off. The dog doesn’t seem to mind.

    8. Lucette Kensack*

      We use a “Vittles Vault Outback 15 Pound Airtight Pet Food Container.” You can get it on Amazon and elsewhere — just search that phrase.

    9. MissCoco*

      Menards has great wheely bins with a locking lid that go up to 40lb sizes, and several smaller ones, not 100% sure they have a 15lb size though.

    10. Voluptuousfire*

      I use Cambro Dry goods storage containers for storing my cat’s dry food. I get 6 lbs bags so the 6 quart ones hold the entire bag. I think they go up to 32 quarts and they’re much less expensive than the ones meant for pet food. They’re the same storage containers used on America’s Test Kitchen.

  24. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Vaccination out of sequence in a case when doses would have been waste…. followup to a discussion we had here after someone else’s question.
    This from the morning headlines: a freezer failed at 9 p.m. in Seattle Thursday night, and the hospital staff vaccinated 1,600 people in pajamas even, everyone they could get their hands on so that not a dose was wasted.
    By the sound it, many of there recipients were elderly and therefore in approximately the right priority , Which is far from universally possible I’m sure.
    Is there any organization anywhere officially setting up prioritised notification lists, one that could use a volunteer fast typist (me) to help get everyone on board? I can’t go volunteer in person because I have people at risk in my family, but if I could do something like this over the phone over the internet? I’d be there with bells on!

    1. Coenobita*

      You might want to check with your local health department and/or the closest medical reserve corps unit. I volunteer in person but my MRC unit also has remote volunteers supporting contact tracing, vaccine scheduling, etc.

    2. Jackalope*

      My local newspaper just had an article about a way for people in our area to volunteer with the rollout, including answering phones and helping at clinics. Not sure yet if the phone part is in person or not but it sounds interesting.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Thanks, and that reminds me I’m long overdue to subscribe to the town newspaper.

  25. Maqui aficionada*

    Are you into makeup?
    I’m 46, nearly 47, and have been getting into eyeshadow palettes the last year!
    I only use cruelty-free stuff and most of it is vegan also, but not all.
    I have quite a lot of eyeshadow palettes (23), more than I definitely ‘need’, but I love buying and playing with them.

    Where do you buy your makeup from?
    What’s your favourite makeup and brand?
    Do you have any essentials you just couldn’t live without?
    Which brands are hidden gems in your opinion, and which are overhyped?

    Any and all makeup discussion here :)

    1. Bobina*

      Not into makeup but I watched a reality competition about it (Glow Up on BBC) and follow the S2 winner on instagram and love seeing their creations! So pretty! I am way way way too lazy to ever get into it, but I can appreciate it on others :)

      1. Dee*

        I *adore* that show! I really should look at some people’s social media. I ‘m not too into social media myself so I didn’t think of this – thanks for the idea!

      2. Maqui aficionada*

        That sounds fun! I like to watch very intricate editorial kinds of looks but have nowhere near the skill nor courage to wear them.

    2. WellRed*

      I’ve gotten more into eye shadow palettes lately and with mask wearing I think we’ll see more attention to eye makeup.

    3. Dear liza dear liza*

      I’m about your age and I’m struggling to work with my suddenly-hooded eyelids. I’ve watched so many YouTube videos about eyeliner!

      1. Holly the spa pro*

        I feel your pain as im starting to get hooded as well. The best tip i learned was to apply your eye liner with your eyes open instead of closed, it will look a little wild if your eyes are closed but wont get hidden or squished when open

      2. Maqui aficionada*

        Tell me about it, lol. Annette’s makeup corner on YouTube has a video on liner for hooded eyes which I’ve found quite useful.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I have been using Everyday Minerals for years, it’s vegan and a less expensive alternative to BareMinerals. I will say they seem to be having some stock issues right now, though, I noticed my base (foundation) shade is not currently available. But I’d still recommend them overall, they offer samples and help picking shades so you can try things out.

    5. DistantAudacity*

      One of my favourite brands, for skin-type stuff is Charlotte Tilbury. I recently ordered some items from Fenty – I’ve heard great things and am eager to try.

      My go-to source for interesting new products/whatever is Sali Hughes in The Guardian – she has a Saturday column.

      Also: I’ve been watching (too much) K-drama, and they often have interesting subtle ombre lip gloss use, so I googled that and have been testing it out. Timing’s not the greatest for lip stuff, but whatevs.

      Sometimes there are limited options here in Norway, so I use cultbeauty.co.uk. Fenty I ordered from their global site.

    6. Claire*

      I’m pretty into makeup. I haven’t bought or used it nearly as much on the last year, thanks to the pandemic, but I have a reasonably large collection and watch a lot of YouTube videos.

      I buy mine from a variety of places – brand counters in department stores, Boots, brand websites, beauty websites like Baeautylish and Cult Beauty. It just depends what I’m buying and where I can get it from (I’m in the UK so brand availability can sometime be an issue – I watched a video the other day in a collection that looks really good, but it turns out it isn’t available here *sigh*).

      My favourite brands are Urban Decay, Charlotte Tilbury, Anastasia Beverly Hills, Hourglass, and Cover FX. My favourite makeup item is mascara – I have very light lashes naturally and without mascara my eyes have no definition, especially on camera.

      Hidden gems – I love the foundation from CYO, the 101 shade is the best undertone for me I’ve ever managed to find. I believe it was being discontinued though, so I bought loads last year before lockdown started. The e.l.f. Poreless Putty primer is also great. And the Charlotte Tilbury Genius Magic Powder is incredible, it works wonders for making my skin look great.

      Overhyped brands? The big one for me is Natasha Denona. The eyeshadows are mostly OK, though not all, but they are SO massively overpriced and so many people hype them up to justify the cost. They’re definitely not the wonder product many claimed.

      1. Holly the spa pro*

        I have super blond lashes as well. Have you ever gotten your lashes tinted? I started doing it years ago and am obsessed. Before i would have to coat the tops and undersides with mascara. If im feeling low key, i just curl them and go because they are already black. And if i wear falsies i dont have to put on mascara to blend them to my lashes. Highly recommend

      2. Maqui aficionada*

        I am in the UK too. This is good info, thanks!
        I have the Poreless Putty eye primer – it is very dry, I am not sure if it is meant to be like that. I do like some of e.l.f’s products. Their bronze/blush duo is gorgeous, and so is their halo powder.
        I like Barry M’s lipglosses.
        I really want to try the Natasha Denona glam palette, but the price puts me off and I can’t find a code that works with that brand for some money off.

    7. mreasy*

      I am always furious to find out how much I like most Glossier products I try. Their marketing is just so annoying but…ugh most of what I use is by them at this point. Except I use Tarteist mascara aka the only good mascara.

    8. Atheist Nun*

      I love eye makeup, like lipstick, and never bother with the “base” (foundation) stuff. I have found that Urban Decay, which does not test on animals, has the best quality eyeshadows and eyeliners. I have medium deep skin (I am Asian Indian), and I think that Urban Decay’s vibrant colors look great on darker skin tones.

      I love Lisa Eldridge’s skillful but accessible makeup tutorials, not least because of her soothing voice. Her lipsticks are pricey but gorgeous. When lockdown ends, I look forward to 1) getting my upper lip waxed, and 2) wearing lipstick out in the world!

        1. Maqui aficionada*

          I’m joking. I will wear the whole full face, including lippie, indoors because it makes me feel good.

  26. Emma*

    I’m worried about a friend of mine. She moved to another continent two years ago for a masters degree, but we kept in touch regularly through Messenger. In March, she kind of disappeared from social media. I didn’t really worry about it at first, but sent the occasional “hey how’s it going?” message. She never answered. I was wondering if I did anything to upset her, but kept sending the occasional message.
    In December, I met up with another mutual friend and mentioned Friend A casually. She told me she also hadn’t heard from her at all. There really isn’t much we could have done to both piss her off, but we wondered if maybe she had decided to cut ties and just move on with her new life or something. We tried messaging again on our group chat, saying “hey we miss you and wish you were here!”. No answer. Just this week, friend B texted me again, saying she was a little concerned about Friend A and maybe we should reach out to her brother to see if he had contact info? We don’t have her phone number in new country.
    Then yesterday I got a letter in the mail from Friend A. She told me she apologized for not reaching out, that she has been going through a really rough time, struggling to find employment after her masters, her mother had health problems and she couldn’t come home because of COVID, other bad stuff happened, and she basically cut off contact with everyone. I am not actively concerned for her life or anything, but she is clearly not in a good place. There is no phone number in the letter, but she did give a return address.
    If she was in my area and this was normal times I would have jumped in my car and gone to stay with her. As it is, the only thing I can really do is send a heartfelt letter. I was thinking maybe a care package? But I feel like “hey, here is a scented candle to get you out of severe depression” feels a little trite and I am struggling to find the words to tell her how much I care and how little I can do. Any advice on what to do here?

    1. The teapots are on fire*

      Do ANYTHING. Send a candle or a care package with tea and some pretty cookies if that can be shipped. Send a dopey picture. Write her a letter telling her you’re here anytime. Ask if she wants to set up a phone call if you can afford an international call. When you’re really down, trite comforts can be very welcome.

    3. lapgiraffe*

      Funny enough, I think I have become this person in the last year, or a version of her, and was even thinking of bringing it up on this thread this weekend. Last year, early fall, I nuclear option deleted my Facebook without any sort of goodbye “I’m leaving this hellhole see you on the other side!” type of post. I’ve also been unemployed since mid-may and have really circled my wagons so to speak. I still have people I’m very close to, who I talk to daily and see semi-regularly as covid allows, in essence I kinda took the pod thing a little too seriously and instead of making it just the people I see in person I’ve almost made it the people I talk to, that’s it, period.

      There are a handful of friends, people I used to talk to more frequently even if we didn’t see each other often (the nature of my old work allowed for me to make friends with people who live in different parts of the state and region as well as other parts of the country), that I have found myself absolutely incapable of maintaining the same kind of friendship with at this juncture. My life is pretty boring – I look for jobs, I network virtually, I play tennis when I can, I do other exercises, I read books and watch tv, go to bed, and that’s it. Covid life! I haven’t had a lot of tragedy this year, but my family has their issues – I live 1000 miles away from that, have a grandfather with increasingly worse dementia, my sister had her first baby, my mom sold our family business that was started by now deceased father, so it was like grieving all over again, and then my sister trying to figure out her place in that while learning how to be a mom. You add the stress of covid, of unemployment, of isolation, I just felt the need to go inward a bit.

      Am I doing ok? Honestly, yeah, I think so. Not amazing, but I get good sleep and manage to do my life and I’m not binge eating or drinking or doing any other self destructive things. If anything, this pulling back from such a social existence has been good. But I think my behavior has been strange to some, I could imagine hurtful to others, I’ve gotten a few weird texts from people who have seen my social media retreat as cause for concern (ironically I’m still very active on instagram but there’s a whole subset of people from Facebook that aren’t aware of that), but I think it’s because in covid times they’re not seeing me in real life at the store or the bar or just walking down the street like we used to.

      And I could see myself writing a letter to someone if they reached out with the level of concern you seem to have with your friend, I don’t want to open the phone communication line but I don’t want them thinking I’m in need of an intervention. I’d welcome a nice letter back, though that’s me and I love snail mail. But I think I’m just trying to make it through without piling on additional stress, and sadly friends have become a stressor. I’ve known people to do this before, one of my closest friends had to do it when he got sober. Another friend, one woman I went to grad school with, had a really bad year that culminated in a hospital stay, and then she just needed to start fresh. I know enough through the grapevine that she’s doing just fine to even great, but it was definitely odd at the time for us looking in from the outside, confused why she felt the need to cut everyone out when our thought was that people need friends more than ever when life is hard. I now kinda realize that it’s a weird self preservation tool, that in order to move forward you have to cut some weight, which sounds kind cruel but *shrug*

      Longest reply ever to say – write her back, don’t push her boundaries, know that she might be doing better than you think but just needs to take care of herself the best way she knows how.

      1. Emma*

        Thanks, this makes sense, and I don’t want to add to her stress or pressure. I’ll do a card saying I’m thinking of her and there for whatever she needs, with some chocolate/a candle/bubble bath etc.

      2. Dottie*

        This is me right now too and agree with everything you’ve mentioned. I’ve deleted my only social media because I’m not feeling very social. I only talk to a handful of friends by texting, live with my S/O, and I see my family once a month. Unemployed but I’m okay and just trying to take it day by day with little stress possible. I did get a card or two around the holidays from friends and it’s helped to receive a different kind of communication that isn’t a screen. I’d def encourage a letter as well.

    4. fposte*

      Trite is fine. The point here isn’t to be original but to be caring. You’re not trying to fix this, just to send love.

      1. Reba*

        Exactly, don’t second-guess yourself or try to find the “perfect” thing to send — this is a gesture! Also, getting mail is great :)

        You’re kind to have kept trying to stay in touch.

    5. Still*

      I think if she chose to write you a letter, she probably felt most comfortable with this form of communication and will really appreciate a letter in return. Finding something in the mail feels really nice and heart-warming without the urgency of a text message or the pressure to reply immediately.

      And I can’t speak for your friend, but I’ve never NOT been happy to receive a care package, even if not everything in it was useful to me or to my taste; it still feels like Christmas and makes me all warm and fuzzy because somebody cares about me enough to put together a package. I don’t think your friend will think you’re trying to get her out of severe depression with a candle, I think she’s more likely to feel happily surprised and taken care of.

      I think I’d take it easy with the “how much I care and how little I can do”, that sounds kind of intense and like it might put pressure on your friend to come up with ways for you to feel helpful? I’d tell her about what’s been going on with your life, good and bad. I’d tell her how happy you were to hear from her and how much SHE made YOUR day. If she’s been through a lot, including a difficult job hunt, she might be struggling with low self-esteem at the moment (job hunting can really get you down and make you doubt your value as a person!) so I’d make sure to tell her how much you love and appreciate her, and how much value she brings to your life.

      Maybe ask if she wants to chat on the phone / video call, but without putting any pressure on her?

      As somebody who’s moved between countries several times, sometimes it can be difficult to reach out to the friends you’ve left behind — cause you think they’ve moved on, cause you don’t have any good news to share, cause it’s been so long it feels weird, cause your plans have gone awry and you’re ashamed… But I’ve never been anything but happy when a friend reaches out to me. And I’ve never thought that they’ve done it “wrong”.

      1. Emma*

        Thanks, this is a good point. I was shaken and sad for my friend when I got the letter, but she clearly tried hard to end on a positive note and I think I’ll respond with a simple but heartfelt card and a little care package.

    6. 00ff00Claire*

      It’s hard to find words in a lot of situations. I think this is one where it would even be OK to outright acknowledge that – you can certainly write her a letter, tell her you care about her and you realize there’s very little you can do but you wanted her to know you are in her corner. I was once in a stage of life where I was completely overwhelmed and just getting notes or cards from friends was helpful.

    7. Natalie*

      Something that might help take the pressure off is to set a reminder for yourself to write her again regularly. Whatever kind of interval feels good, every month, every other month. Then you’re not putting all of your goals on this one letter.

    8. Canadian Camping Fan*

      I send grocery gift cards to a few family in different places. I can get the cards online because the stores aren’t here. I tell them to get something nice, like spoil themselves with chocolate or fancy ice cream, but these are also family that don’t have a lot so if they spend it on the basics then I would never know but I would be supportive. Grocery stores offer choice…

    10. Older and bolder*

      I live on another continent. It can take 6 weeks to get a letter from the States in good times. Right now, it’s taking 6 weeks inside this country because of covid. Please stay in contact on instant media. Contact her right now and say you loved hearing from her. Sure, send the care package, but do the instant stuff as your go to.
      I have been in full lockdown (high risk) since March 10. It’s brutal. Often I just can’t. I feel for her in all the mess she’s had and applaud you for staying in touch.

    11. Observer*

      But I feel like “hey, here is a scented candle to get you out of severe depression” feels a little trite and I am struggling to find the words to tell her how much I care and how little I can do. Any advice on what to do here?

      That’s the wrong framing here. What you are trying to say is “Here is a tangible reminder that someone out there actually cares about you” and “I can’t make your world all right, but some small pleasures can lighten the load for a bit.”

  27. Green Snickers*

    Where do I start with figuring out money management, investing and where to put my money?

    I’m a little embarrassed by this but my savings are just sitting in my savings account I have with the bank I’ve had since I was in high school. I’m good at saving money and budgeting but I have no idea how to take my savings and split the amount between accounts, where to move it, where to put it and so on.

    I understand different methods work for different people so I really want to explore and evaluate what makes sense for me (I love to do research!). Are there any people/books or good resources that you think are especially helpful when it comes to exploring this- esp for those new to this?

    1. fposte*

      William Bernstein’s pamphlet If You Can (available for free download) and the book The Index Card. Stay away from day trading.

    2. CatCat*

      For budgeting, I highly recommend the “You Need A Budget” software/app. There is a learning curve, but the company has free classes on how to use it. There’s a very helpful user support community on facebook (“YNAB fans”) and YouTube videos (a lot of new users swear by Nick True’s YNAB videos). There’s also a YNAB book that explains the YNAB approach to budgeting.

      For investing, I like the book “The Simple Path to Wealth” because it is simple and straightforward.

      Those are the places I would start.

    3. Choggy*

      Is the money in savings all you have, or do you work and have a 401K with a match? I have money in two 401Ks, Vanguard money market, brokerage, and rollover/Roth IRA accounts as well as money in my savings account. You don’t want to keep all your money in one place, especially where it cannot earn you interest or dividends that can be reinvested. Start small, perhaps by opening a money market account and then learn about the other ways you can grow what you have saved. I have always been a saver myself, and am now at the point where I’m looking at retirement in the front view and am SO glad I did everything I could to prepare myself for that reality. You’ve already done the hard part by not spending all your money, now it’s time to put it work for you. Good luck!

    4. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      Highly recommend Dave Ramsey. You can get the book “The total money makeover”, or you can get a lot of the advice from youtube. Search for “7 baby steps”. People are critical of him for various reasons, but the principles he advises are sound.

      1. Choggy*

        Yeah, I have a like/dislike for Dave Ramsay but agree with this advice, since most of it is just common sense. I also Chris Hogan who is member of his team. Both have YouTube channels.

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Mutual funds are a good place to start. Use a big well known company and pick funds with a level of risk that you are comfortable with.

    6. ronda*

      the booglehead (named after founder of Vanguard) Wiki has lots of great info.

      https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Main_Page

      The simplest investment is in a target date fund that does an allocation between the major asset classes for you automatically.. Stocks vs Bonds and US vs International.
      look for low expense ratio and low turnover to select lowest cost funds (choose index instead of actively managed for lowest cost). These metrics are available on each fund by looking at it on the internet. Vanguard and Fidelity have lots of low cost index funds.

      Also look at which types of investments are most tax efficient. those go in your taxable account and less tax efficient goes in your retirement accounts. the wiki has a section about this. Selling investments in your taxable account is a taxable event, you will want to minimize taxes if possible.

      And dont be embarrassed, it sounds like you are doing great. This stuff is very complicated and you will find out many new things as you go along.

    7. LDF*

      After a few years of doing nothing but maxing a 401k, I met with a few financial advisers and chose one of them. She didn’t end up telling me anything that I literally couldn’t have figured out myself, I suppose, but for me that confidence backed by experience is well-worth not second-guessing myself. I don’t find it fun to research financial matters. So that’s another option! My adviser charges every time you want a big analysis/re-haul/strategy session, generally every few years, and in between they’re on call for small questions by email.

    8. Lady Alys*

      The two books mentioned, “The Index Card” and “Simple Path to Wealth” are both excellent starting points. If you end up seeing an advisor, make sure they are a fee-only planner – “fiduciary” is the magic word here, fiduciaries are legally obligated to put their clients’ interests first.

  28. fposte*

    Weird doctor question:

    So I found an eye doctor about an hour away to do another Lipiflow treatment on my eyes. It’s basically a machine that gently deep cleans your eyelids for about 15 minutes and it helps a lot with dry eyes; the effects aren’t permanent, but it can help for a year or so. While the doctor checks you out initially, usually a tech sets it up because it’s not that complicated.

    This time, in addition to the usual pre-visit paperwork there are questionnaires from the Institute for Functional Medicine, which is devoted to a variety of not scientifically accepted medical approaches. They’re asking questions ranging from how much organic food I eat to do I get dental fillings. The optometrist has real degrees and good reviews, and they’re definitely a mask-wearing establishment. Nothing about this is mentioned on their website—except for a button that seems to link to supplements for sale. I’m presuming that’s where this is going.

    I can’t decide whether to 1), call and ask, 2), not fill out those forms and just turn up without them, or 3), fill them out very casually and shut down any functional medicine direction in the appointments. If I had more options I’d go with #1 or #2 but I really want to get my eyes treated. I feel like I’ve just found out it comes with a timeshare pitch. If they’d mentioned this on the website I could have asked questions, but they didn’t, which I really don’t like.

    1. The teapots are on fire*

      I’d call them and say you got this unrelated kind of weird form and is it okay if you don’t fill it out, as if obviously there was some mistake.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’d fill it out casually, politely shut down conversation about anything other than your eyes, and politely refuse any other products or treatments.

      The problem with dealing with doctors is that if you want to maintain a relationship with them, there is a power differential that’s hard to get around. I wouldn’t waste my energy or make myself more anxious by challenging anyone over this when it’s easy to just side-step it.

      1. fposte*

        I feel like if there were a hard sell in the office this would get reflected in her reviews, too, and it’s not even mentioned. Just weird.

    3. pancakes*

      That is odd. I would call and ask whether it’s possible to keep the appointment and not fill out the forms. I want to say just show up without them, but that could be a waste of time if they’re insistent.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I would turn up without them because that sounds kinda ridiculous. They’re very likely not going to decline to see you – they want your money. I would just tell them it’s not relevant to your eye health or procedure, so you’re not going to spend time doing it.

      Don’t ask them, just tell them.

      1. Older and bolder*

        The patient should decide what is relevant to eye health, not the doc?
        Like when the dentist asks about your history because certain procedures could literally stop your heart if you’re vulnerable?
        Fill out the papers, then ask the doc to explain why before you give them to them. IDK, maybe they will explain there are new findings that show something that will help your condition. In any case, there is no downside.
        I can’t speak for your doc, but most functional docs are very smart and very good.
        It takes ~20 years for settled science to make it into the doctor’s exam room. Functional medicine is trying to shorten that.
        Insurance companies hate them which should be a clue to their value right there! IDK why because functional docs save money for their patients, but when do insurance companies ever make sense.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      It sounds like you don’t want to fill it out. Then just don’t?
      You could bring it with you so if they insist you can fill it out on the spot.

      I am not sure what the concern is that you are targeting. You are concerned they will sell you a bunch of vitamins? Then just tell them that you don’t want any vitamins. My thought here is that if their overall treatment program is vitamin/supplement based and you don’t want that then there’s going to be a parting of company at some point anyway.

      I am have had the opposite problem where they wanted to give me drugs and I don’t want drugs. (I do very poorly with most things I have tried.) So I ended up moving on as there was not much they could do for me.

      I checked out the IFM website and they are talking about a customized treatment plan and I am fan of that concept. I have no interest in things that work for most people, I am only interested in what will work for me, given my particular set of givens. So my interest went up at the thought of customized plans. I used their locator to see how many docs in my area are in their network and — rural America- not many.

      It sounds like their group (company/office) is drifting into an area that does not appeal to you. I have seen this with alternative practitioners also who are searching for ways to get better results for their patients. While I am a big fan of non-invasive, non-drug treatments, I would still say this of an alternative therapy: If the therapies or methods do not make sense to you, you do not like the therapies or methods then just bump to another practice. Likewise here, with a more traditional med model, move away if you are not certain, or not comfy.

      I am very much about the consumer’s perspective. Health care is a commodity and we are consumers. Just like no one should tell me what car to drive, no one should tell me what treatment I “have to” have. I say we should go with what gives us positive results.

      If it were me, I’d take the blank survey form into the appointment with me and ask the doc where they are going with this, are they expanding their practice into taking on more modalities of treatments? If yes, what does that mean for me as a patient who prefers x, y, and z type of treatments? Will they still be able to treat me who does not want A, B and C? Better to know upfront how they plan to treat their patients in the near future. This way you can decide what you want to do.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, it seems pretty vague. For me I’d want to see what products they are using and how they are using those products. Every arena has its bad apples, so buyer beware is a good approach to anything. None of the practitioners I have been to are involved in this group. For my area they could have had a lot more people in their organization. And yet they don’t.

          1. pancakes*

            I don’t think it does seem vague, no. “The FTC found that Bland and his companies violated that consent order in 1995 by making more exaggerated claims,” for example, is quite clear. “Functional medicine practitioners claim to diagnose and treat conditions that have been found by research studies to not exist, such as adrenal fatigue and numerous imbalances in body chemistry” is similarly clear.

      2. fposte*

        I can see what you’re saying, and maybe some of this is that I feel a little weirdly transactional, in that I don’t want doctoring, I want them to give me the almost entirely risk-free procedure and move on. However, that seems a pretty common way for doctors to approach this procedure too, so usually they’re pretty happy to take my direct pay money (insurance doesn’t cover) and move on. I already have a regular eye doctor and am not looking for a new one. And maybe that’s where I can land on this—I’m already under care, thanks.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          That does sound like your solution. “My regular doc sent me here for just this procedure. I prefer to go back to my regular doc.” It’s your right as a consumer to chose what you want. If you can clearly state that they will probably just leave you alone.

    6. MissCoco*

      I wouldn’t fill out the questionnaire personally, I’d probably call and say “I got this form and I wasn’t going to fill it out because it doesn’t seem to have any questions about my medical history on it.”
      I’d take this as my chance to ask questions, and hopefully get any potential sales pitch turned off before they start it in person.

      I find doctors selling supplements to be really off-putting.
      Hopefully they are professional at your appointment.

    7. RagingADHD*

      The forms are data capture so the IFM can market to you. They have nothing to do with the treatment.

      Just fill out the standard new-patient stuff every clinic needs, and toss the marketing dossier.

    8. ShinyPenny*

       Sounds like you are paying out of pocket for a procedure that you deem helpful, but that your insurance company has worked hard to not offer coverage for. Insurance companies work hard to exclude coverage for everything possible, because it saves them money.

      Organizations like IFM have things to offer to people for whom standard medicine has… not been a giant help. If you’ve never been shrugged off with a “we have no idea what’s wrong with you, have you seen a psychiatrist?” then I’d say count yourself fortunate, lol!  And feel free to decline to pursue other alternative treatments.  You know, beyond this one that you feel will significantly help your eyes.

      Health insurance is a wonderful thing, but it is very self-interested and very much based on averages.  If you happen to have the misfortune of being a zebra and not a standard issue domestic horse, the existence of options like IFM can be life-saving.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I’m sure that’s all well and good, but it doesn’t change the fact that dental fillings are irrelevant to seeing an optician, and this provider is trying to sell their patient’s data without properly disclosing that’s what they are doing.

        1. ShinyPenny*

          I can’t see where that theory came from? It’s not in the initial post as even a concern. There’s a pretty big leap from “how do I say I have no interest in that treatment direction” (which is pretty routine in medicine) to, “someone is going to steal my data and sell it” (which would be a huge ethics violation).

          1. RagingADHD*

            Well, I’m not sure where you’re getting your strawman idea of “stealing” data, because it has nothing to do with what I said.

            My statement came from ordinary common sense and a reasonable awaremess of:

            1) What an optician is
            2) The service OP wants
            3) How marketing surveys work, and how alt-med marketing works in particular,
            4) The statement that the optician sells supplements.

            It’s not a concern in the original post because the OP didn’t know what the form is for.

            The form is a questionnaire to find out OPs level of interest/alignment with IFM ideas, which is marketing info totally unrelated to — let me reiterate — an optician.

            Perhaps they aren’t going to share the info with the IFM generally, but use it in-house to guide their own sales pitches. Or perhaps their IFM membership status means that sharing the info isn’t technically “third party”.

            It’s still a pretty skeevy marketing tactic, and I’d bet anything you like that returning that survey would result in a barrage of unsolicited flyers and emails about expensive unproven treatments for any condition OP mentioned.

            1. ShinyPenny*

              Oh, sorry.
              When you said “…the fact that…this provider is trying to sell their patient’s data without properly disclosing that’s what they are doing,” it sounded like you were stating that the practitioner was planning to sell the OP’s data without disclosing it.
              Which would be awful, but doesn’t seem like the current issue.

              2. RagingADHD*

                Yes, that is what I said. I didn’t say anything about stealing. That was your word.

                The current issue is “what is the form for?”

                It is for data collection unrelated to the service that an optician provides. They can’t use it to provide care, because it doesn’t pertain. They have not disclosed what they intend to use that data for.

        2. pancakes*

          They’re almost certainly asking about fillings because, as the Wiki page notes, “Joe Pizzorno, a major figure in functional medicine, purports that 25% of people in the United States have heavy metal poisoning and need to undergo detoxification.”

          1. RagingADHD*

            Which, whether you believe in detox or not, still has nothing to do with getting your eyelids flushed, or getting a glasses prescription.

    9. Older and bolder*

      Sorry, functional medicine is *very* science based. The questionnaire is designed to look at the whole person and gather data that can help tie together things that don’t seem related but are.
      For instance, serious B12 deficiency causes a weird eye jiggle that most people wouldn’t even report because it’s so random and (seemingly) minor. Even if the survey doesn’t being up something about you, it gathers data that can help other people later.

      1. RagingADHD*

        And the science that relates eating organic foods to getting glasses prescribed is….?

        I’m truly curious, because I love to learn new things.

        1. fposte*

          And that really is just the tip of the iceberg on these.

          I’m going to go in without the forms and see how it goes. They feel genuinely invasive and I’m not comfortable getting them put into my record for no explained reason.

  30. Butter chicken*

    What are your “I remember where I was when I heard” events? The first one for me is The Challenger explosion, whose anniversary prompted this post. Others:

    The Berlin Wall coming down
    The start of the Gulf War (for the US, anyway)
    Assassination of Rabin
    Princess Diana’s death
    Gore winning-then losing- Florida
    9/11
    Virginia Tech shooting
    2008 stock market crash
    2016 election results
    The election being officially called for Biden
    Capitol insurrection

    2. DistantAudacity*

      For 9/11 – was at work. It was early afternoon here, and everyone just watched shocked on th news sites. Eventually we just all went home for the day, to keep folkowing the news

    3. CTT*

      This is not really at the historical level of the ones you listed, but my first memory of something news-worthy is the aftermath Nancy Kerrigan getting attacked at the Olympics. I was 4 at the time and I’m sure I must have seen/heard the footage because my parents had the TV on and her crying is still etched on my brain.

    4. Come On Eileen*

      John Denver’s death

      My dad played his music all the time as I grew up, so he was a staple in our house. I can 100% picture the morning I woke up to news of his death.

    5. Mimmy*

      -Challenger explosion
      -9/11
      -Assassination attempt on Reagan
      -2008 and 2016 election results
      -Biden being declared winner
      -Sandy Hook School shooting
      -Deaths of Princess Di, Michael Jackson, Robin Williams and Prince

      1. Mimmy*

        I’m going to add the OJ Simpson verdict – my mom and I were out running errands and we rushed home to make it in time for the verdict. I’ll never forget the look on my mom’s face when he was declared Not Guilty.

    6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’d add:

      Lockerbie bombing
      Columbine shooting
      First time I heard Nirvana
      Brexit referendum result

    7. Dottie*

      – Kurt Cobain’s death
      – Y2K scare on NYE
      – 9/11, I saw the towers fall IRL
      – Occupy Wall St, saw it happening IRL
      – Pulse shooting
      – Followed the pandemic since its China breakout and well here we are

    8. OtterB*

      Assassination of JFK (dating myself here) but there’s a long gap after that
      Apollo 11 moon landing
      Shooting of George Wallace while he was campaigning
      Challenger disaster
      Columbine shooting
      9/11

    10. violet04*

      Challenger explosion
      Princess Diana’s death
      9/11
      When OJ got in the white Bronco and when the verdict was read

    11. T. Boone Pickens*

      I can almost break these up into sports events (too many to count) and non sports events.

      Non:

      Challenger Explosion
      OJ Simpson Bronco chase and subsequent trial/verdict
      9/11

      The other very specific one I have is watching the Ryan White TV movie with my parents when I was kid. This was back when AIDS/HIV had a stigma attached to it and I remember being confused as to how this young kid could’ve possibly gotten HIV. The Ryan White story was a huge deal back in the 1980s and my parents did their best on trying to explain things in a way that preteen me could understand.

    12. Filosofickle*

      One of the odd ones for me is the Oklahoma City bombing. That exact moment had a lot going on, so it stuck. Same with Challenger. Distinct memories.

    13. Jenny*

      I am a millennial, so the first big even I can remember is the Oklahoma City Bombing. I can remember my teacher crying in class.

      9/11 (this was unusual, I worked in the middle school office during first period at the time because of an early math class so I watched it on TV live but most kids at my school did not)
      Sandy Hook Shooting
      Virginia Tech shooting (I was in college at the time).

    14. OyHiOh*

      I was rather on the young side when Challenger exploded, but I have some distinct and clear memories of that day. In the same year, I also remember a couple things related to Chernobyl.

      Tienanmen Square didn’t really register, but the Berlin Wall coming down, I remember very clearly. I remember reading about President Valclav Havel (Lithuania) and being extraordinarily impressed by his political rise because he’d been a writer, a dissident poet, behind the Iron Curtain. As a young teenager who wanted to write, he made an impression.

      Rabin’s assassination, also Arafat’s death. Somewhere, I have an absolutely terrible poem written by young college student me.

      I’m a bit of a news junkie and NPR addict and have been since I was about 10, so I have pretty distinct memories of most major world events from Boris Yeltin coming to power in Russia, forward.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I remember the Berlin Wall coming down, and the aftermath.

        Princess Diana’s death was another event which I remember quite well. She died in the early hours of Sunday morning and all through the Sunday, the TV was given over to news coverage. (Prince Charles flying to Paris, the makeshift memorial at the gates of Kensington Palace). Bear in mind, this was in the early days of 24 hour news channels.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Oh… Tienanmen Square and that iconic pic of the man standing by himself in front of a long line of tanks.. that had just STOPPED. oh my.

        And “Mr. Gobachev tear down that wall.” I remember seeing the people and crying for them.

    16. Janet Pinkerton*

      Columbine
      9/11
      Michael Jackson’s jury verdict (horrific because I super don’t care about this and yet)
      Virginia Tech shooting
      Obama winning and Prop 8 passing
      Not quite the same but I remember the exact circumstances under which I finished the 7th my Harry Potter
      Obergefell
      The first time I heard Notorious BIG
      When Notre Dame burned
      The Capitol insurrection
      A few personal things, of course—learning of one death, my first kiss (for each of a few people).

    18. Potatoes gonna potate*

      The OJ Simpson trials – I was too young to follow along but I remember I couldn’t watch my favorite TV shows because of it.

      Columbine shootings
      9/11
      When hurricane Katrina hit – I was in Florida visiting family days before it was scheduled to hit there. College was starting and I was going to miss the first week of it because we were scheduled to return in September. I was fighting with my mom and brother about it, they didn’t care that I’d miss college classes. *shrugs*

      Obama being elected
      Michael Jackson’s death – my good friends mother passed away after a long illness. I always associate this day with her.
      Osama being captured
      Benazir Bhuttos assassination in Pakistan
      Sandy Hook
      Robin Williams death

      The 2016 election results
      Charlottesville “protests”

    19. Bibliovore*

      JFK
      MLK
      RFK
      Nixon’s resignation
      Reagan getting shot
      John Lennon
      John Belushi
      Challenger
      Tienaman Square
      Gulf War
      9/11. Lived near ground zero

    20. tra la la*

      Nixon resigning (I was a small child and thought Watergate was a 24/7 TV show that my parents couldn’t stop watching)
      The Day After on TV (I was too scared to watch)
      Re-election of Reagan (I was in college in the one state that didn’t go for Reagan)
      Challenger explosion (on my birthday, yet)
      Berlin Wall coming down
      Columbine
      2000 election drama
      9/11
      Obama election and inauguration (affected me much more than Biden’s did for some reason)
      Trump election and inauguration
      Capitol insurrection

    21. Firebird*

      President Kennedy’s assassination really confused me because it was so close to Thanksgiving. Everyone was dressed up and met at my grandparents’ house. It seemed like a really sad Thanksgiving and I remember my parents telling me that the president died. It was years before I understood what really happened. Many years later my wedding anniversary is on the anniversary of the assassination.

    23. allathian*

      I was born in 1972 and the first significant event I remember was seeing a glimpse of Elvis’s casket on the news. My dad was at least a casual fan and I remember listening to his records as a kid.

      Others, not necessarily in chronological order:
      Challenger accident
      The Chernobyl disaster
      The Bush-Gorbachev summit in Helsinki in 1990. The convoys drove from the airport on the highway that went past my high school.
      The Berlin Wall coming down
      Princess Diana’s death
      9/11
      The time a bomb went off in the mall I often used to shop at on 11/10/2002. I was supposed to be shopping there when it went off, but decided at the last minute not to go.
      The 2004 tsunami
      US election results 2016
      The news of the first covid death in Finland in 2020
      Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin (34) on the cover of Vogue UK and the fuss that was caused by what she wore (a tailored blazer but no visible shirt underneath)
      Biden winning and the Capitol insurrection

    25. Chilipepper*

      I’m old enough to remember all those but the only one that shook me enough to have a strong, “I was doing x when I heard,” was the second 9/11 airplane. I was standing in my parents old house and the news had the twin towers on, a plane had hit it, but was it an accident, terrorism … ? Then the second plane came and we knew. That moment is very vivid for me.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I remember with the first plane, I said – oh boy. No one has crashed into any tall buildings in my memory. I read of an accident involving the Empire State building? but that was long ago. I figured that is because everyone knows where these tall buildings are. So at the first hit I was almost screaming at the radio announcer- “This is an attack. This is deliberate.”
        I remember fighting back the tears because I had to get off my break and go back to work. Yeah. I didn’t have a lot of success on that.

  31. Frally*

    For the past few weeks, when I’m lying in bed, the back of my scalp goes kind of numb sometimes, and so does the outside of my left thigh. Weird, I know. Any ideas what this could be?

    1. Myrin*

      Have you dealt with nerve stuff in the past? (Just throwing this out there because it’s been responsible for several feelings of numbness for me although I’m not familiar with this particular combination.)

    2. Wishing You Well*

      No idea but call or email your health care’s advice line, if you have access to one. You might need an evaluation.

    4. Enough*

      I have the same thing happen but not lying in bed. I have both neck and lower back issues. The head will occur if I fall asleep in my recliner without some neck support. The leg is mostly when standing. I also sometimes have pain. It’s from the nerve being irritated or pinched. I have exercises to keep the lower back in better alignment and use a lumbar pillow when I sit. Definitely see the doctor.

    5. WS*

      Outside of thigh is Meralgia paraesthetica, from compressing/pinching a nerve in your groin. I have it and it doesn’t bother me most of the time but if I lie on my back it gets tingly and sometimes painful.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      You might benefit from seeing a chiropractor if so inclined.

      While you are figuring out next steps you can work on making sure you are taking in the same amount of water each day. Get those hydration levels up and hold the levels. Lack of water causes all kinds of odd stuff.

      Going back a few weeks ago did you hit your head or hip on something?

  32. Frankie Bergstein*

    I wanted to say that there’s no shame in this at all! Managing money / personal finance is so intimidating and an enormous topic. I felt like this, and resources that helped me were podcasts. The early episodes of two podcasts were helpful:

    -“Millennial Money” with Shawna Compton-Game
    -Farnoosh Torabi’s “So Money”

    The later episodes get really specific (e.g., travel hacking), so were less helpful to me. There are also some high-earner focused podcasts that my doctor relatives turned me on to — White Coat Investor, Financial Residency. Those have good, solid information but are definitely directed at folks who are earning at least 150K+ and anticipate doing so their entire career.

  33. Not A Manager*

    Existing In Capitalism

    This question is prompted by the discussion earlier in the week about nannies, but the issue arises a lot. Most of us trade our labor for money, and most of us trade money for someone else’s labor at times also. Do you feel differently about purchasing some kinds of labor than others? I see childcare and housecleaning come up a lot, but during the spring lockdown I sure had an issue with trading my money for deliveries.

    If you do feel differently about purchasing certain kinds of labor than others, do you know what underlies that intuition? Do you ultimately agree with the intuition, or after examination do you feel that it’s misplaced? How do you resolve any tension?

    1. Not A Manager*

      My own answer is a bit long and complex, but I want to share this story.

      I have a relative from the U.S. who was living in a country for several years where labor was much less expensive than in the U.S. and domestic servants were much more common. She “inherited” a housecleaner when she moved into her rental apartment. She was very uncomfortable with the housecleaner. She didn’t like someone all up in her stuff, she felt that she was perfectly capable of doing her own cleaning, and she had a visceral feeling about the virtue or lack thereof of outsourcing personal cleaning.

      When she told her friends that she really didn’t need the cleaner, all of them – expats and citizens – basically told her that it would be socially unacceptable and immoral to dismiss the cleaner. The gist of it was that she was not privileged to decide that this woman should lose part of her income. I suspect that even if there had not been a particular cleaner already onboard, she would have had a similar reaction if she’d moved into an apartment and simply chosen not to hire a cleaner.

      1. Reba*

        I read a comment somewhere last year that said the rise of delivery services, task apps, etc. was Americans “rediscovering” servants, but without the long term obligation/sense of relationship that you describe.

        I don’t have a housecleaner now, but in my family of origin we did. My parents prefer to have one person, rather than a service that might send different folks every time. I fondly remember our housecleaner from my childhood, and my mom adores the guy she hires now. Of course, that is different again from the live-in help that is common in many places.

        I feel like I feel more comfortable with a long term relationship type arrangement than with one-offs (like the apps)? I at least feel like that is something of a real livelihood, while I know that all the gig economy app-based jobs are not good on the whole for the workers, and tough for restaurants in the case of food apps. So, I try to avoid them (which I know not everyone can really do).

        Then again, long term live-in help is really ripe for abuse. I do know people (in other countries) who have servants with them for decades, pay for the kids’ schooling or home improvements in the home country (another dimension to this issue), and the person is really part of the household. But we also have seen the news stories of stranded workers throughout the pandemic. A friend of mine did her doctoral research in an underdeveloped country with young women, some really just girls, who saw going to a city to work as domestics as being more desirable than formal education as way to get started in life, even though they anticipate it will be very hard.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          Yep. My extended family lives in South Asia and I grew up in the US. When I visit, having the house cleaners around makes me veeery uncomfortable. I’m just not used to anyone other than me making my bed. I eventually was able to negotiate a situation via my aunts where the maids would not enter my room or do any of my laundry, I would still pay them for my stay of course.

        2. OtterB*

          I don’t have any problem in theory with paying someone to do tasks, as long as they are fairly compensated (which sometimes puts it out of my financial reach).

          My family of origin also had a housekeeper when I was a child. She came once a week, and worked for other family members several other days of the week. After she retired we went and visited occasionally, and I remember my father writing her checks for Christmas because she didn’t have a retirement income to speak of. There was clearly a relationship there. It is, I can see looking back, tinged by race: we were white, she was black, this was Texas in the mid-60s.

          I haven’t had a regular cleaning service for years. We had one for a while, then we moved, and never started it up again. I preferred a service to an individual for knowing that employment taxes, social security, etc., were handled properly, since I didn’t want to pay someone under the table and I didn’t want to deal with the complexity.

      2. lapgiraffe*

        I have a friend who has experienced this in two different Asian cultures that she’s lived in, I brought up the nanny story earlier this week in fact to discuss with her. She, too, inherited a house cleaner and knows it’s expected, but it doesn’t change her discomfort, and all told she’s pushing a decade of living abroad with this. She was raised very blue collar and had family who cleaned homes, plus she understands the economic and social ramifications, so there’s a lot of layers to unpack. But I have tried to ease her guilt over the years with that same idea – this woman needs a job, it’s not ideal but the opposite is worse, and unless you think she’s enslaved in some way or being egregiously exploited (as in defrauded or withheld wages, not the general exploration of a capitalist world), it’s the better of bad options.

      3. Filosofickle*

        A US friend living in Spain ran into this. They were the only people in the building that did not hire someone to clean and do laundry and it was really frowned on.

      4. Girasol*

        I’d feel really awkward about having any kind of house servant. I was brought up to think that was my job and I’d feel lazy if I didn’t do it. Someday I’ll be old enough to need landscaping help but I think that’ll be a mental hump for me to get over. I don’t think of deliverers as servants though. I grew up when families generally didn’t have two cars, so grocery trips were infrequent and the milkman was ubiquitous. Ditto the postman who would deliver items mail-ordered from catalogs just as the Amazon guy delivers now. Before my time it was common for grocers to employ deliverers, often kids on bikes. So that feels to me like more of a traditional job category that’s reviving rather than some new master/servant relationship.

      5. Workerbee*

        My knee jerk reaction for that particular story is that—if the friends are so concerned about the cleaner’s livelihood, then they can either hire her themselves or find her another situation. My insides got all twisted at the thought of the daily discomfort your relative was enduring, and not being able to relax in her own space.

        In thinking about it once, twice, three times more—I still feel the same. This may not be a “good” way to feel. But I think about how often we’re encouraged to put our own feelings of wellbeing aside and how nobody seems to care if that means your mental/physical health will suffer, so long as an institution is being upheld—well, I know it’s more complex on all sides than my statements here, but it bugs.

        1. anon2*

          You’re saying that if you move to a culture where your financial privilege means you’re expected to help others with their own financial well being, your discomfort with that means you should deprive someone of their income (and maybe food and housing) so that you can prioritize your own comfort? In someone else’s culture?

          1. KeinName*

            That is certainly one possible interpretation, but not the kindest one I would say…
            And it is not CULTURAL to have extremes of poverty and wealth, let me say that as an anthropologist, and you should not participate in everything a region deems ‚traditional‘

    2. fposte*

      Wow, that’s an interesting question. I have several times in my life had qualms about outsourcing services that some to many people do for themselves, and I have generally gotten over them. I think probably a tipped wage is closer to exploitative than my self-employed lawn and snow guy, for instance. I therefore think the problem lies not so much in what the actual service is or how optional it is for me but in the compensation and choice available to those I pay. At least with Instacart I have the choice to make it good compensation—not saying this in support of tipping generally, just in my personal use of services. But with something like a home health aide, who delivers a vital and hard service and is paid below the poverty level in many areas, I may not have that control by the time I need one.

      And I think there’s often some kind of intimacy fallacy here, in that we feel squickier about the person who hands off to us than the person who manufactures the chicken or works the coal to make the electricity.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I haven’t come across a type of labor yet that I’m not willing to pay someone else to do – for moral reasons, at least. I wouldn’t pay someone else to come cook at my home, because I’m weirdly territorial about my kitchen, but I’m happy to pay other people to cook for me at restaurants and such. There are some things I’m not willing to pay someone else to do because the amount I would be willing to pay for the thing is not enough to be a fair or reasonable value for the person doing it, if that makes sense – on the other side of that, I don’t knit for money because nobody would be willing to pay for a piece what I would consider to be a fair price for my time and effort put into it, so if I’m not willing to pay a fair price for someone else to do the thing then I guess I get to do it myself or go without. Our house cleaner retired during the quarantine, and when things are reasonable again I’ll probably get another one in, because I would rather pay someone else to vacuum my floors and clean my bathrooms than either do it all myself or stay on top of everyone else in my house to pull their share. (Yes, I shouldn’t have to get after adults, but ultimately a house cleaner was a situation where the cheapest way to pay for something was with money, and needs must. We all chip in equally for the house cleaner line on the budget. I also named the quarantine-acquired robot vacuum after the retired house cleaner, which she thought was absolutely hilarious.)

      That said, if this summer’s intrepid high schooler tells me he’ll mow my yard for $25 when the one last year quoted me $30, I’m not going to argue with him just because I paid more last year. But if he tells me $10, I’ll tell him he’s grossly undercutting himself, no pun intended, and he can certainly charge more as long as he’s doing a decent job and not like, running over squirrels or mowing into my garden.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Yeah, I don’t hire house cleaners because it feels too personal to have a random person cleaning my house, but I’m also single with no kids so it’s easier for me to clean myself.

    4. Dan*

      Yes.

      I’m a born-and-bred American, but I’ve traveled to every continent except Antarctica. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, I absolutely hate hate hate tipping. With the exception of restaurants, I choose to avoid patronizing businesses where tipping is a truly expected or core part of the compensation model.

      I think the reason I hate tipping so much is that its core, it’s exploitive, and places the burden of ensuring that the person providing the services is properly on me, the consumer, when the reality is I don’t have enough information to determine what their proper compensation could or should be. So when a business chooses to offload that compensation issue on to me, I resent it. Never mind that many of these “businesses” don’t provide any sort of benefits to their, uh, “partners”.

      1. Homophone Hattie*

        I feel similarly about the modern trend of rating every interaction with a customer service person, service provider, teacher, etc. I’ve been on both sides and I know it’s mostly useless and meaningless because a lot of the time anything less than 100% can get the person in trouble, so I always rate 100% unless there is a really, really good reason (like they’ve insulted my mother or stolen my firstborn or something).

        I’ve been on the other side where some people just don’t get that you rate 100% unless you are really unhappy, and that 3 stars out of 5 doesn’t mean ‘I was happy, no complaints, but of course in my life I’ve had some that have been better, and of course I’m saving my fifth star for the one person who I meet who will blow my mind someday’ to my manager, but ‘oh my god I was unhappy, please discipline this person’.

        1. LQ*

          I hate this. I know it’s so true and realize that I need to do 5* or 100% or whatever, but I hate that there is no space for being exceptional anymore. There is no space for being average. There’s nothing. There’s no room and it’s gross.

          1. Homophone Hattie*

            Yep. It’s not okay to just be average at your job (or at life). We all have to be exceptional or we are failures. It’s vile.

        2. RagingADHD*

          Yes, and it even makes me leery of leaving feedback with valid issues that just need to be addressed with training.

          Like, the curbside grocery person who loaded my canned drinks on top of my bread and chips. I don’t want him disciplined or fired, just told. And I can’t do it because I didn’t see it until I got home.

          I usually wind up just skipping the survey, because I don’t know the impact of giving that feedback.

          1. Homophone Hattie*

            Yes, this too! It’s so common for people in these kind of jobs to be punished disproportionately. I too hesitate to leave any feedback about things like that, because you don’t know their managers and it’s not impossible that the person could lose their job, or at least be given a hard time and have their day ruined over something so minor.

        3. Dan*

          I do data analytics for a living. For me to draw meaningful inferences from the data I work with, I have to understand how it was collected, and the intent/motivations of the people and systems providing me that data. It drives me nuts at work, because lots of people I work with tend to think of data as this unassailable, objective truth, and the reality is far from it.

          Which is to say, especially with customer feedback systems, everybody has a different motivation for the feedback they provide. And by tying employee compensation in any form to these types of feedback metrics, companies have shot to hell any ability to get objective information from these systems.

          Uber, for example, lets you rate from 1-5 stars. Last I heard, any driver with an average rating below 4.6 was subject to “review”. Which makes their star system pointless, because all it comes down to is that 5 stars = I think driver keeps their job / access to the platform, and 1-4 stars lets me express how strongly I feel that the driver should be fired (er, “deactivated”).

          For these reasons, I choose not to provide feedback when given a choice.

    5. Jessi*

      I am a nanny, so I sell my labour for money, but I also happily pay a cleaner. My partner and I between us work 100 hours a week, and I just don’t care enough about cleaning to want to do it myself.

      I currently live in the UK and I feel differently about that here than I did when I lived in the UAE. My cleaner can set her own prices, change employers on a whim and her wages are not affected by her nationality.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Yeah – there is a difference between a house cleaner who is self employed and a house cleaner that is in the wrong end of a caste system situation (like in South Asia). In the US, there are still some issues around domestic laborers. Like yeah, they are technically contractors, but a lot of them don’t have employment protections. A lot of them tend to be non white women/immigrants and that comes with its own issues. The same goes for a lot of hourly wage jobs.

    6. llamaswithouthats*

      I’ve felt this way about getting things delivered to me during lockdown. Due to my Brain Issues, getting things delivered to me vastly improves my quality of life, but I feel low key ashamed of it. Especially when I fail to meal prep and have to order meal delivery. I feel like a lazy person whose laziness is enabled by exploiting poor people, tbh. FWIW I’ve been tipping delivery people 25-30% since the start of the pandemic.

      I think a lot of these issues, as have come up recently, is due to the fact that some jobs are not as protected as others. Like, why are only white collar workers given healthcare coverage and PTO and a 401k?? These benefits should be given to all workers.

    7. mreasy*

      I have just gotten a raise that will, if I choose, enable me to hire a biweekly house cleaner. There is a worker owned coop I have used before, and I feel good about working with them – but overall I still do feel strange about asking someone else to handle “my mess.” With delivery – I live in NYC so it’s always been part of my life, but in the pandemic I tip a LOT, acknowledging the fact that this person is facing health risk every day. For me it’s $10 minimum no matter what the bill is, because whether I’m getting Taco Bell or lobster the delivery person’s risk is the same – and usually about 30-40% above that. Since delivery food is not a requirement for me I want to subsidize those people who don’t tip much because they don’t want to, or even those who need delivery (high risk) but can’t afford more than a standard tip. I have no qualms with grocery delivery as a service, but I just am so picky about my produce that I prefer to do it in person when I can.

    8. Generic Name*

      I get what you mean. I don’t know if it’s how I was raised or if it’s white guilt or whatever, but I feel deeply uncomfortable at the thought of feeling “served” by others. Especially if they’re non white. My ex loved going to those resorts in Mexico. I felt uncomfortable the whole time. One trip I took I realized that the daycare staff had to be working at least 12 hour days. Our son went to a “camp” mid-morning, and they had a children’s entertainment program with the same staff in the early evening. I felt weird about people bringing me drinks and stuff. We went to a similar type resort in Hawaii and I felt less uncomfortable because hey, we’re all Americans (of course ignoring the history of how Hawaii was colonized by whites). I don’t feel this level of discomfort of being served by waitstaff in restaurants.

      1. Masked Bandit*

        I’m with you. I went to one of those resorts in the Dominican Republic and felt similarly uncomfortable. I know that those resorts are very important to the local economy, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that what I was doing wasn’t any different than what white people have done for hundreds of years. The thing that really stuck with me was that the staff’s English got better the more their job required them to speak with guests, so the bartender spoke perfect English but the janitor spoke almost none. That makes perfect sense of course, but it did feel like going to someone else’s country and making them cater to me rather than learning anything about them.

    9. Filosofickle*

      I definitely agonized quite a bit about pandemic delivery. I was helping people make a living, balanced against asking them to take on my risk. In the end, the way it felt okay was to be extra kind and patient, give 5 stars, and tip at least $20-40. I’m still doing that, where I used to give someone $5 for a pizza, now they get 10-20.

      However, the delivery services suck for workers and restaurants alike so I’m not doing it at all these days unless they have their own drivers. I’ve grown uncomfortable with policies of pretty much all the players like Instacart and doordash, and due to new legislation in CA our stores are cutting loose their union folks and going to contractors. I don’t feel like I can support them, even if that also means less income for drivers.

      1. Dan*

        I struggle with this a lot. I guess I make an exception for restaurants (pre pandemic anyway) because that model is so ingrained in our culture that it is the way it is. But these new “gig” platforms? I am not obligated to support that business model if I don’t like it. I happen to think that employers have an obligation to pay the people they employ.

        1. fposte*

          One thing that really bugs me about the gig platforms is what seems to be a veneer of option about the gig arrangement. And sure, there are some people who prefer it that way, but especially now I bet most DoorDash/Instacart drivers would vastly prefer to be actual paid employees with regularized income if they had the choice.

    10. D'Euly*

      I don’t find myself in the situation of needing/wanting to pay others directly for services at the moment, but I am very uncomfortably aware of the terrible working & living conditions that guarantee my access to cheap food and cheap clothing. Those are the two that bother me the most. A tough problem indeed. I suppose I choose to pay a premium for certain types of food to get into a fairer exchange rate –chocolate, coffee, meat– but I’m aware it’s a drop in the bucket of even my own budget.

    11. RagingADHD*

      Part of the reason I don’t enjoy mani-pedis or massage is that it’s just too much touching for a transactional relationship. I don’t even consider the hairdresser a fun pampering session, it’s just something that needs to be done, so we might as well chat.

      Like, a clinical service (dental, medical) is a comfortable boundary that doesn’t bother me, but there’s also nothing to enjoy.

      To me, mani-pedis and massage fall into the uncanny valley. It just feels wrong to pay someone for that level of personal contact.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I adore massages and pedicures, but I also tip very well, especially for pedicures because I always feel bad that someone might be underpaid to massage peoples feet. (With massage therapists they are usually paid more fairly but don’t get me wrong I tip them well too)

      2. Turtlewings*

        The one time I tried to get a pedicure, I completely freaked out at the amount of touching from a stranger. I was trying (and failing) not to cry and I could tell the poor girl was asking her coworker what she should do, even though she wasn’t speaking English. I finally just told her to stop (and paid anyway, of course). It’s weirdly nice to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t like it!

    12. Skeeder Jones*

      Ultimately everything is a purchase of labor, it might just be a few levels down the line so you don’t feel the same burden. Paying for labor can be complicated but I have many friends who work in the gig economy and they are grateful that they can earn a living, especially right now, and work around the needs of their families. I have multiple chronic illnesses that make physical labor difficult for me. Running errands was challenging pre-pandemic but it became virtually impossible to me after March. I cannot stand for long periods of time, walk long distances or carry anything heavy. Gig workers have been a lifeline for me. I do make a good living so I make it a point to tip really well anytime someone does a service for me, whether it’s a server in a restaurant or a delivery person bringing my groceries. My rule is that if I can’t tip really well, I can’t afford it. By really well, I generally tip at about 40% or higher and I always leave positive feedback (when there is a place for that). I hope the people who are helping me feel like I appreciate what they have done for me.

      1. RagingADHD*

        This is a good point. Everything you buy is a purchase of someone’s labor.

        TBH, delivery and gig workers as well as household help in a Westernized democracy have a lot more choice than the people working in the supply chain of most products & foods we buy.

        I don’t have any ethical qualms about paying people for any kind of honest work. My hangup is just personal squeamishness.

    13. LQ*

      I wonder how you feel about living in an apartment where maintenance is done well and included? Part of the reason I don’t want to own a home (gasp I know!) is because I don’t want to have to have a list of people who I can contact for home project work. If plumbing explodes or my dryer stops working or an electrical outlet burns out I put in a ticket and someone takes care of it while I’m at work. No charge directly. My rent is higher than it would be if this wasn’t included, those 4 people who are paid staff of the building are paid by the rent I pay. They are employees rather than gig. But do you feel the same about say a plumber? If not why not?

      I think part of my thinking on this has shifted over time and financial circumstances. I don’t totally value time more than money, but I think of my time in terms of money more than I did before. And (this is where it gets more complex) but my time is being sold to the place I work which is then also helping people who are currently unable to trade their labor for money. Which makes me loop through these spirals of if what I want to do is support people who are financially struggling the best thing I can do is do that. Any time not spent doing that is a waste, so I should spend my money to spend more time doing the work tasks that help people.

      Part of this is it’s all inside the sphere (as you say) of capitalism. I’m not strong enough to destroy it on my own. I can help people. I help them with a big tip for my shipt shopper who’s currently shopping for me while I (fail at) helping people, while I help them. While I fail. And then back to the spiral.

      I hope that gig workers relationships to unemployment systems in the us get re-evaluated hard after this. Right now there is a program to help them but that goes away and then they are back where they were in a bad spot.

      1. Reba*

        Thinking about your examples, I see the gendered and domestic/professional boundaries in the possible different feelings about housecleaner vs plumber.

        (I used to live in a big building where the maintenance staff also lived, as part of their compensation. They and their families were delightful neighbors, and I felt gratified that in an area where rents have been rising rapidly this arrangement made a nice big apartment accessible to them. The tenants did also pool annual tips for the staff, which included front desk people as well. I liked it! I liked knowing the folks who were keeping the place running, and I didn’t have to handle the details of their employment so that was great too.)

        1. Reba*

          To be clear, I’m not saying that we should see those different kinds of work differently, but I think that culturally we often do, and intimate, care-taking work is both feminized and devalued.

    14. Taxachusetts*

      I thought about this so much too after that post about the live in nanny/assistant type of role.
      Cannot imagine someone cleaning up my kitchen after dinner. I have a cleaning service that comes every two weeks to only do a deeper clean. I imagine the 1% is so important and busy managing their vast empire that they need human clones to get things done that most of us norms do on our own. I’m not of the means to hire this kind of person but I imagine it would feel very awkward and uncomfortable if I did have someone in my personal space. I’m sure a lot of the upper echelon would love a robot revolution to avoid these social issues.

      The personal assistant is way different than what most of us in the vast middle indulge in- a periodic house cleaner, a grocery deliverer. In the pandemic, it’s important for those of us who can stay at home to stay in to not spread infection. Also, a lot of people are finding these gig jobs are helping them get through these tough economic times. I don’t think it’s morally wrong to pay somebody to do something you could do yourself. We all need a little help and time to relax. It’s a very tough year and US culture in particular is so stress driven. We are supporting the economy by hiring these service workers.

      What we do need to be is responsible consumers. We should treat the service provider well, tip well and express concerns with companies that employ them if we think they’re being exploited. We should elect politicians who care about workers rights. We should give to non profits that help ensure these rights.

      I think it’s condescending to not want to hire these service providers, as if the job shouldn’t exist and it’s inherently demeaning to do that type of job. I don’t think it is- it could be temporary for some and some may find aspects rewarding.

    15. Roci*

      Very interesting question. I have a lot of cognitive dissonance myself about this. Why do I feel fine about hiring a professional dry clean my fine clothes, but icky about hiring a professional to wash my regular clothes? Does it matter if our identities align with lines of oppression?

      I admit I am very surprised at how many people had issue with paying for deliveries. We have always had postal workers and pizza deliverers, this didn’t feel that different to me (exploitative nature of the gig economy aside).

      Honestly I think it shows how much work actually goes into running and maintaining a household. It has always been at least a full time job for one person. Just that with nuclear families and women relegated to the role of housewife, we decided to ignore and devalue all that work. Little housewife might as well be sitting on the couch eating bonbons all day. Then women started joining the workforce and now people are expected to work a full time job AND do the same amount of household running. It is literally impossible to work 8+ hours (and commute), regularly clean and do laundry and house maintenance, shop and cook 3 meals for 1 or more people, exercise regularly, do personal grooming, devote time to hobbies, and sleep 8 hours a night… never mind care for any dependents like pets or children. Standards slip or you hire help.

      I wonder how much of the guilt we feel at hiring domestic help is entwined with our guilt at the legacies of oppression linked to domestic classes. And if some of it is embarrassment at “not being productive” or “not perfectly performing womanhood” (Do men feel the same guilt over hiring a nanny?) or “realizing the privilege I am uncomfortable recognizing I hold”.

  34. D3*

    We’re planning a bathroom remodel in about a year (once we hit our savings goal)
    One of my goals for the remodel is to make the bathroom *warmer* – right now it’s a 90s abomination of tile everywhere. Floors, tub surround, countertops, baseboards, EVERYWHERE. But also, it’s a large bathroom (I’ve had bedrooms that size!) and the HVAC to that room is not great. It’s at the end of the vent system, and past the return, so the warm air just doesn’t circulate well. Even with the door open. It’s a bathroom, so we don’t want to do space heaters in there.
    It also has a bay window. We think the windows are not the problem (They’re double paned and we did a candle test on a windy day to look for drafts and there were none.) Still, replacing the bay with a single larger window is a possibility.
    Is radiant floor heat a possibility in a bathroom?
    What flooring materials (other carpet, because ew!) would work in a bathroom and be warmer than tile? Honestly the icy floors when I get out of the shower or tub are the worst! We do have some rugs, but the room is so big! And I don’t want to do rugs/mats that don’t fit in my washer so there’s only so much I can do.
    We are definitely planning on towel warmers in there.
    Any other tips for remodeling a bathroom to be less of an ice palace?

    1. Reba*

      Radiant heat, yes of course! It will raise the level of the floor about 1″ (unless this is over a basement and you could access from below). There are several products that the installer just lays over the subfloor, that hold your electrical coils or water pipes. Then the finished floor is laid on top. Tile is ideal for this, and a heated floor bathroom is dreamy.

    2. Llellayena*

      If you’re replacing floor tile, consider adding heated floors. There are electric radiant heat mats that can be installed under tile.

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      My in-laws have some kind of fancy vinyl floor that is kind of soft and relatively warm, but still waterproof. I don’t know what it is called but maybe something like that would work?

    4. Generic Name*

      I re did m bathroom and got radiant heat under tiles, and it’s an amazing sensation to step out of the shower onto warm tile in the dead of winter. 10/10 would do again

    5. The teapots are on fire*

      If you have a ceiling exhaust fan, there are models that offer a heat element and just spin the fan the other way when you want heat.

    6. ronda*

      right now i am in an apartment with a very small bathroom. it is great for using the space heater at shower time… only takes a couple of minutes.
      If the coldness is mostly a bathing issue…. maybe make a smaller bathing room as part of the bathroom that could warm up easier than a big bathroom.
      I think I saw some show or article where they kind of did a wet room with shower/ tub/ sauna. That is what I am picturing. Something to consider if you have the room.

    8. pieforbreakfast*

      We put in Marmoleum when doing our bathroom. Softer and warmer than tile, easy to clean, great with water and comes in a myriad of colors.

    9. Courageous cat*

      No tips on remodeling but I dry off in the shower, step out of the shower, and step directly into flip flops, so that could probably help.

    10. LQ*

      Heated floors are magic. Magic. Get them if you at all can, I’d sacrifice a lot for heated floors.
      I’d also suggest thinking about where things are placed in relationship to others. The towels closer to the shower will make it feel warmer when you get out. Having to cross a large space to get to a towel will be chilly, grabbing the towel and pulling it into the warm shower space will be warmer.

    11. Skeeder Jones*

      I give my support to the “radiant heat in the tile” bandwagon. Tile floors are cold to me, even in the summer and I usually have to wear socks around tile but not when the tile is heated. A remodel is the perfect time to add those. Also consider a heated towel rack. Getting out of the shower to a warm towel is heavenly.

    12. Chaordic One*

      I’m not absolutely certain about radiant heat under floor tiles, but one of my friends had it installed when she built a new house and she absolutely swears by it. She says it is the height of luxury and her heating bills are comparatively low.

    13. Not Australian*

      We have underfloor heating throughout our house – we remodelled from the shell and thought it was a better option than radiators, being hidden away and not taking up space we needed for furniture. It’s equally effective in kitchens and bathroom, although we added a heated towel rail in the bathroom as well. The one thing to watch for, if you’re doing ceramic tiles, is that the tiler really knows his or her business; you need flexible tile adhesive and grout, otherwise tiles will crack at the edge of the zone where the expansion and contraction is greatest. Use something other than ceramic tile … laminate or vinyl, or even wood … and you’re fine. I’ve seen some great rubber floors in bathrooms, and that would be good too.

    14. university minion*

      If you haven’t considered one, towel warmers are divine.
      What ever happened to those heat lamps that were in so many bathrooms from the 60’s to maybe the mid-80’s is that not a thing anymore? Kid-me thought those were so fancy to stand under when I got out of the shower at a friend’s house or hotel. We didn’t have one and my parents kept the heat maybe a degree up from polar, so getting out of the shower in winter was the worst.

    15. Nana*

      Late to the party, but…if you can afford it, a Toto toilet is amazing! Used ’em in Japan…heated seat, bidet, many lovely features.

    16. ShinyPenny*

      “Hydronic radiant wall heating panels” might work for you. Flat panels take up less room than the old fashioned radiators, and can potentially loop off the existing domestic hot water supply in the bathroom.
      (Tip: Radiant heat does not necessarily require a water source any hotter than your regular domestic supply. It just takes a little longer to deliver the same BTUs than water from a boiler.)

      –They also make radiant systems that install *inside* the walls.
      –Cork flooring has a “warm feel” reputation, although there might be issues with pet claws, and it can add an unwanted insulating effect if installed over in-floor heat systems
      –Marmoleum has a “warm feel” rep, but there are warnings about it not tolerating in-floor heating
      This is a great time of year to dream of warmth. You planned that well.

    17. Anono-me*

      Light, vent fan, heater combo with timers for the fan and the heater.

      The timer is a huge convenience. I hated running the vent fan during a shower as it would cool of the bathroom while showering and no one was not really good about remembering to turn off the fan until hours later if the fan was turned on after a shower etc.. Now the fan gets turned on with the timer after the shower or etc. and the fan turns itself off 15 minutes later.

      Also please consider putting an electic outlet in for a nice bidet with heated seat, warm water wash and warmed air blow dry features. (Even if you don’t want on right now, you may later. )We have one and the heated seat is so nice, especially in the middle of the night this winter. Actually in my opinion everyone should put in lots of safety outlets whenever you remodel any room.

  35. Come On Eileen*

    I started taking Lexapro about a year ago and it’s really helping my anxiety and depression. The only downside is that I sweat at night – a LOT. It’s not every night, but probably at least 50% of nights I wake up drenched. Its weird because I’m not hot. Apparently night sweats are a common side effect of SSRIs. I don’t want to switch meds because this one helps a lot, so I’m looking for help with sweating less. One thing I’m going to try is vitamin E, as I’ve been told it might help. I’m also a 46 year old woman so part of this might be perimenopause? Not a ton of other perimenopause symptoms though, and over the summer I discontinued the Lex and the sweating went away, so I do think it’s mostly driven by the medication. Anyone else deal with night sweating and find a way to tame it?

    1. Kay*

      Ome thing that made me more comfortable when I had night sweats was to lay a large bathsheet on top of the fitted sheet.. Not sure why it helps but have told others and they’ve all said it helped.

      2. MissCoco*

        Yes, giant towel you sleep on!
        IKEA’s bath sheets are very large and reasonably priced.

        When I was getting lots of night sweats, I would keep a fresh bath sheet, jammies, and baby powder next to bed so I could get back to sleep quickly if I woke up covered in cold sweat (so unpleasant).

        Sorry I don’t have any ideas to stop the sweating though. I used prescription antiperspirant when I had armpit hyperhydrosis for awhile. It does work, but it was very hard to balance enough to not sweat excessively without causing my skin to become very angry.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Sage is supposed to help, too. I eventually had to stop taking my SSRI because the sweating was just so annoying (plus some other things). But it did seem that the sage made a difference.

    3. fposte*

      I think it’s here that I first learned about bed fans—they curve over the bed to blow just where you want them. Even jus a basic fan on a stand may help. Also I recommend skipping the top sheet or not tucking it in so you can throw a leg out from under the covers to calibrate your heat.

      1. Not Australian*

        I swear by bedroom fans – not just the breeze but also the ‘white noise’ effect which I find soothing. I use mine all year round.

    4. Dwight Schrute*

      I’m on lexapro and am very sweaty too. I got new sheets that seem to help a lot! They’re the Buffy eucalyptus sheets and they’re amazing. Also, a fan has helped and lots of deodorant/anti perspirant. I’ve just accepted I’m a sweaty human being though

    6. lapgiraffe*

      I was on lexapro several years ago and it made me incredibly sweaty, day and night. Was in late 20s so not hormonal, and as soon as I weaned off it was the biggest relief to be not sweaty. My doc said this wasn’t typical in her experience and really had no advice other than suck it up or try something else.

    7. Courageous cat*

      I’d personally try something else. If you have a good reaction to Lexapro, there may be plenty of other SSRIs that give you a good reaction, and not night sweats. I wouldn’t stay on something that had that kind of side effect long term but you do you. For me, personally Prozac is the only one that gives me night sweats, and only for the first few weeks.

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        Yes this!! You are not stuck with the first med that works! You might find one that does just as well but with fewer/better side effects. I personally had to switch from Lexapro to Wellbutrin because of a different side effect. I was very nervous about it but my doctor encouraged it and I’m glad she did.

  36. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Has anyone ever done a 48 hour flat test to check for a CSF leak with regards to migraines? I’m doing one this weekend, and I was curious to see if anyone has done one and if it was actually useful.

    I’ve been up 5 hours and am already going a tad stir crazy so, if y’all can recommend some good movies, I’d be very appreciative.

    1. Mimmy*

      No experience but I was curious so I looked this up – do you have to be awake for the entire test??

      Good luck!

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        No, thankfully! I’d be a zombie, lol! I’m only allowed to be up to eat and go to the bathroom. Other than that, I’m stuck in bed for 48 hours straight. The boredom is real.

    2. AGD*

      One of my previous coworkers got to do one of these! Not super fun and three or four different specialists were involved, but it identified the problem.

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        Good to know, thanks! I just don’t want to do this, and it not actually be useful, you know?

    3. Dwight Schrute*

      Are you allowed to hold your hands up above your head? Like can you read a book via a kindle or play a game on your phone? Or do your arms need to be down? I’d suggest podcasts too! I’m a fan of stuff you should know

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        Any podcasts you can recommend? I think my hands can be up? It didn’t say they couldn’t in my paperwork. It just said that my head needed to be level with my hips at all times.

        1. Dwight Schrute*

          Hmm do you like mysteries? I would listen to the unsolved murder episodes of Stuff you Should Know. My favorite episodes are The Dyatlov Pass, The Yuba County 5, The Gran Canyon newlyweds, How Easy Bake Ovens Work, How Lighthouses Work, How Alien Hand Syndrome Works, the Ford Pinto, and any of the animal episodes!

          1. Paralegal Part Deux*

            Oh! The name of the actual podcast was “Stuff You Should Know”, lol. I thought you meant stuff you should know in general, ha! Okay, I’ll go look it up now. I’m fascinated by the Dyatlov Pass incident to be sure, because it makes no sense with any of the explanations given. It’s just bizarre. Thanks for the heads up on this one!

            1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

              There was just an article about it this week from NatGeo where they think they have a solution!

  37. Myrin*

    This will only be relevant in several years but I’ve been wondering and unable to find a definite answer, so here goes:

    If one were to come into possession of a house and wanted to have it inspected for wetness in the walls, particularly the basement walls, who would one contact to not only correctly find wet areas but also to determine how bad it is and what kind of damage had already been done inside the walls?

    I’m in Germany, if that matters. I did some pretty in-depth googling but could really only find the general name of this kind of procedure and that there’s some kind of “surveyor” for it but I literally couldn’t find any single kind of profession who deals with these types of things. All websites I found make it sound like there are like five people per “state” who are qualified for this but surely there must be someone like a plumber or something who can do this competently as well?
    I’m from a family of craftspeople so I’m wholly unfamiliar with not knowing something like this and it’s bugging the everliving hell out of me.

    1. Paralegal Part Deux*

      Remediation, I think is what you’re looking for but not 100% sure. Something like what we have here in the States as ServePro or Restoration 1 are two companies that perform the service here in the States. I don’t know what the equivalent would be in Germany, though.

    2. fposte*

      In the U.S., the first stop would be a house inspector, who checks the house for issues when you buy it. If it’s a house I already own I might ask a house inspector if there’s a specialist. (Mind you, our basement walls tend to be either concrete or cinder block so there isn’t much secret damage there.) Short-term there are various kinds of moisture meters and hygrometers that may help, but that’ll depend on what your walls are made of and what you need to do (like drilling) to perform measurements.

      1. Myrin*

        Oh yeah, I’m pretty familiar with the various -meters but I would really need an actual human to take a look at this, not least of all because there are some places where you can clearly see the water damage but I’m assuming there’s a much larger hidden area.
        So yeah, the house inspector thing sounds good but I cannot for the life of me find the local equivalent – it all points to this omnipresent “surveyor” (Gutachter) I kept stumbling over but it’s strangely hard to get something like concrete names. Will have to investigate more!

  38. Courageous cat*

    I finally read House in the Cerulean Sea after everyone talked it up so much. And it was very, very good. I blew through it in like 3 days. The characters were fantastic and the story came very close to making me cry, which is not something I usually do at books.

    That said, I have a complaint about the author. While his world-building and most of his dialogue were incredible, the prose itself was… kinda poorly written. I feel like I saw the phrase “swallowed thickly” from Linus approximately one thousand times in this book. I thought all the “Now see here”s and acting like age 40 is just so profoundly middle-aged (it’s young!) were kinda trite and stereotypical. There were also just some really cumbersome phrases in general.

    Anyone else who’s read it have thoughts? Who was your favorite character because mine was for sure Talia?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I thought it was cute and charming but not high literature that is likely to stick with me. I agree that the writing can be a bit clunky. I also found the plot to be very contrived. I mean, obviously it’s a wish-fulfillment fantasy, so a bit of contrivance is to be expected. But generally I like my wish-fulfillment to be a bit more subtle :)

    2. Lucette Kensack*

      I didn’t care for it; I actually didn’t even finish it, which is rare for me. I quit after 50 pages or so.

    3. Come On Eileen*

      I agree – I loved loved loved this book! But I also kept thinking “I’m 46 and nothing close to middle aged!” My favorite was Chauncey; he was just so sweet and eager that I wanted to squeeze him.

    4. Can't Sit Still*

      It was a DNF for me, which surprised me. It sounded like it would be my cup of tea, but I just found it tedious. I have read and enjoyed so much bad fiction: poorly edited, clunky dialogue, non-existent world building, tweens speaking and acting like they’re 50, etc., and this book didn’t have any of those issues, so I’m not sure why it didn’t work for me.

      I tried Wolfsong, just in case it was that particular novel, but I DNF’d that one too. I guess I don’t enjoy TJ Klune as an author.

      1. Reba*

        Same! I’ll put up with a lot for an entertaining, but the draw wasn’t there for me and I actually only got a couple chapters in. The story really wears its heart on its sleeve, so perhaps I am too jaded?

        At the risk of overgeneralizing, I feel like people who read in this genre a lot didn’t tend to like it, while people who don’t usually read fantasy and YA fantasy enjoyed it more.

        2. Lucette Kensack*

          Hmm, interesting theory! It doesn’t hold true for me. I don’t read much fantasy and I also quit after a few chapters.

          1. Reba*

            Well there goes that idea!

            Maybe this book will end up being like the movie Napoleon Dynamite, so polarizing or hard to predict the reactions that it thwarted the Netflix recommendations algorithm.

            (Anybody remember that one? Whew, now I feel old.)

    5. detaill--orieted*

      Mmm, for me it didn’t live up to the hype. The world just didn’t make any sense, which I’m willing to forgive sometimes but there has to be something else to make up for it. Whereas _HITCS_ was much too black and white — Linus’s life was *too* blah, his employers were *too* evil, the house and Arthur were *too* perfect, the conflict with the town was won *too* easily, and the ending was too happy.

      1. detaill--orieted*

        Just so you don’t think I’m 100% curmudgeon, I’ll say that I recommend everything by Diana Wynne Jones, and, recently, _Set My Heart to Five_ by Simon Stephenson was hilarious and then touching.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Late but just in case you see this I totally agree with your last sentence, which folds into why I find Klune to be a mediocre writer at best. Same with Linus being all like “Now see here –“. Just super stereotypical and generic. It’s the way a Nickelodeon show would describe adult life.

        Good point about the town conflict too.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I found the way the author hit you over the head with the lessons you are supposed to learn to be a bit annoying – show don’t tell.

      Also, one character’s age in a significant number is his file but like is he going to be that age forever or is it just a random data point that changes during the book? Also, the religious implications of that particular character existing are ignored – which is fine but maybe then don’t have that particular loaded character in there?

  39. Casey*

    Has anyone used oVertone? I impulse ordered the ginger set (dye + tinting conditioner) and it should arrive in the next couple days. I’m a darkish blonde, so I’m expected a fairly muted orange, but I’m still excited about it!

    1. Dwight Schrute*

      Yes! I have brown hair and used the purple. It stained the crap out of my shower and my hands, and also rinsed out really quickly for me. My friends with lighter hair have had better luck though

    3. Dark Macadamia*

      I used the “rose gold for brown hair” conditioner and it was fine (not super noticeable?) on my natural hair color and hot pink on the blonde highlights that were growing out. Not quite the look I wanted lol, I’m planning to try again now that the blonde is gone!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        A bit OT, but I was looking at the website and I cannot actually order anything off of the oVertone website- it’s completely broken. Is there a different storefront for it?

    4. WeAreTheJunimos*

      I have! I have lighter hair so I used the original rose gold and it worked really well. Looked amazing. Washed completely out in 2 weeks. Some of my hair is brown so I tried the Rose Gold for Brown Hair. It didn’t make the brown hair rose gold, it just made the lighter bits flaming hot pink. Not my style. All in all, I really liked it and it’s the perfect way to try out a hair color!

      1. E. W.*

        I have! But in my experience bleach is a necessary first step for most colors unless you already have light hair. I’m somewhat wary of their brown for X line because I’ve been doing fun colors for many years and I just never get the color I want without bleach.

        It’s also terrible with grays, but overall I have liked it. I had a super vibrant purple put in at a salon, then used their vibrant purple treatment to keep it that way for over a year instead of weeks. It was great for that! I also loooooove The Remedy, which is their deep moisturize mask. It smells like mint and makes me super course dry hair feel so soft. But it is definitely all on the very expensive side! I just tried Arctic Fox because the Overtone green is back ordered and was totally disappointed in comparison.

  40. Amy*

    COVID vaccine thread!

    Yesterday I was reading an essay in which the author was talking about how millennials and Gen X-ers are uniquely positioned to help older people get vaccine appointments because of all the time we’ve spent over the years navigating competitive online sign-ups. “Every FAFSA we’ve filled out, every Ticketmaster queue we’ve waited in—they’re all contributing to our quick fingers and nimble web-surfing skills, as we click from county website to medical portal to local newspaper to health department Twitter feed, trying to determine the magic trick that will get COVID shots in our parents’ arms.” I definitely feel this, as a millennial who had to have a fast trigger finger to get registered for college courses and myriad other things.

    And then yesterday, I got the chance to put this into action! Our county, which has been in lockdown but hasn’t given vaccines to anyone except health caregivers, announced yesterday on Facebook that they’re holding a vaccine clinic for people aged 75+ in four days. The website to sign up for an appointment was immediately swamped. But I managed to run over to my neighbor’s house and get her signed up on my iPhone (she is in her 90’s and doesn’t own a computer or smartphone). She was over the moon since she’s been trying to get a vaccine appointment somewhere for weeks with no luck. Then I texted another neighbor, who signed up her 90-year-old relative and another neighbor in her 80’s. None of these folks had any idea the clinic was happening and wouldn’t have had a way to sign up. It’s incredibly sad to me that this vaccine rollout is disorganized to the point where majorly important, time-sensitive public health info is being disseminated primarily via social media, making it pretty inaccessible to some of the most vulnerable people unless they have others looking out for them.

    So, a PSA: check on the elders in your life and see if you can help them access vaccine appointments! It may literally be a life saver.

    How is vaccination going in your area? Have you been able to get vaccinated yourself? :)

    1. Dwight Schrute*

      I am at the bottom of the list so no vaccine yet for me, but my SO, my Dad, and several friends who live with and take care of older more
      Vulnerable family members have gotten their first doses!

    2. nep*

      My mom’s 80 and she has yet to get the vaccine. I am not quite sure what’s going on with the process; seems she’s being rather passive about it, opting not to call a phone number a friend gave her that can help expedite things.

      2. Not Australian*

        A lot of older people are very reluctant to ‘jump the queue’ in any circumstances and would rather wait quietly for their turn to come. They wouldn’t see this as passivity but as good manners.

    3. Lucette Kensack*

      Yep, same here. My sister and I were able to get my dad a vaccine appointment before they switched to a lottery. My mom is waiting for her call.

    4. OtterB*

      My husband has had his first dose; he got on the list at a hospital where he volunteered in the Before Times and will return to volunteering when it’s permitted. He’s also 65 and in an essential but not top-tier essential job. I have put myself (63 and diabetic) and my daughter (26 with intellectual disabilities) on our county pre-registration list. It’s all very complicated and seemingly disorganized in my state, and I guess many. To some extent deliberate decentralization (vaccine being distributed through county health systems, hospitals, and some pharmacies, though still guided by the overarching state prioritization system) comes across to the consumer as chaotic.

    5. OyHiOh*

      I’m phase three, with a mid summer birthday. I will be absolutely, utterly shocked if I get shots before my birthday.

      My partner does part time home care (cleaning, meal prep, shopping, medication reminders for house bound, usually very high risk people). He gets his second shot next week.

    6. Girasol*

      I like the idea of helping older relatives out. Dad never did like computers and as he got older he couldn’t deal with a press-one-for-this-press-two-for-that phone menu. He would hang up and claim that it was broken no matter how important the call was. My gaming buddies in their 60s and 70s in Washington have already been and have taken parents too. They all have their second shot appointments. In my state the over-65s officially start in February but they’re asking healthy ones to wait a few weeks and give the sicker ones first dibs. I’m happy to wait anyway and let them iron the wrinkles out of their process.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      My parents are 72 and 73, utterly refuse to use online anything, and will not own cell phones. They just expect their GP to provide this vaccine and will not let me pursue any other routes. My forehead is flattening from banging it against the wall.

    8. flchen1*

      Ugh, trying not to be frustrated and to not let that spill over when I talk with my parents. They are both near 90, and have been trying their hardest for weeks to get an appointment–calling the numbers they’re supposed to, waiting on hold for hours, checking the websites, completing the form on their health care providers’ site… you name it, they’ve been doing it, but… nothing. They’ve been told that there isn’t anything for them yet and they will get a call when there is. I know California has a huge population but this has felt exceptionally poorly managed.

    9. Disco Janet*

      I’ve been keeping tabs on this for my grandparents who live in a very rural area. We were able to pre-register them and they’re supposed to get a call when a vaccine is available for them. Wish it was happening more quickly though!

      The rest of us are in a more urban area. So far my mom, dad, and I have all received our first round of the vaccine (mom and I are teachers and dad is a pharmacy manager).

    10. oranges & lemons*

      Here in Canada, the vaccines are rolling out very slowly, and keep getting delayed. In my province, we’re not expecting to start vaccinating the general population (distributed by age range) until April, at best. Trying not to get too frustrated!

    11. PollyQ*

      I’m in the SF Bay Area and haven’t yet been able to get an appointment, which is disappointing to me, since I’m in my mid-50s and have several “underlying conditions” which have caused me to very stringently quarantine myself. My parents are in their late 70’s and have appointments in a couple of weeks. AFAIK, we’re not experiencing any vaccine shortages that I’ve heard of in other parts of the US.

    12. Mimmy*

      I’m not sure how it’s going on my state specifically but my husband and I registered with the state vaccine schedule system. We were told we were eligible but appointments are extremely limited due to supply limitations. One of the recommendations in the email is to wait to be invited to schedule an appointment through the system once more slots become available, which I’m fine with.

      My parents, who are approaching their late 70s, already got their first dose. My dad was concerned about side effects so he was going to wait, so I’m pleased he went for it after all. My mom is all excited because she thinks it means they can hug all the grandkids again once they receive the second dose (I think late February).

      To be honest, I’m a little nervous about the vaccine since it’s so new and it came out so quick, but I still plan to get it once supplies and appointments increase. Even if they’re not sure yet whether the vaccines prevent transmission, I still believe that the more people who get vaccinated, the sooner this pandemic can get under control.

    13. Anonymous Critic*

      My elderly parents live in a small town in an isolated rural state. My elderly father, aged 90, received a phone call from his physician’s office clerk asking if he wanted an appointment to get one, he did and he asked if my mother, aged 84, could get one too. The clerk made appointments for them both at a temporary clinic a few blocks from their house run by the county health department. They had their first shot 4 weeks ago and their second one last week.

      Apparently their state health department is working with county health departments to oversee distribution, and the county, in turn, is working with local physicians to initiate contact and make appointments with people. After doing the nursing homes and first line health workers, they had doctor’s offices start contacting the aged 90 and olders, then started working their way down to the 80 and olders and now they’re vaccinating the 70 and olders. (It sounds there’s some potential for HIPPA violations, but under the circumstances, I don’t think anyone would really care.)

      If you weren’t contacted, they are advertising phone numbers on local TV, local radio, community websites, health department websites, and on notices posted in community gathering sites such as the library, court house, and in supermarkets. Still, I’m sure they’re going to miss a lot of people. A 75 year old aunt living in the same state went to a drive-through clinic set up by the county health department a couple of weeks after my parents. (She keeps telling people she went to a “drive-by”.)

      Where I live, in a more urban state, I haven’t seen much advertising. I’ve been checking my local health websites and they’ve done first line health care workers and now they’re also down to doing 70 and olderes, but the local news has had a lot of stories about how awful the process is. They only let you make appointments online (and there are lots of elderly who don’t have computers) and in many cases the vaccination centers are miles away from where people live. An unofficial rogue operation has been set up by some volunteers where if you phone them, they’ll make an online appointment for you if you don’t have a computer.

      There are people who don’t have access to public transportation to get to the vaccination centers and the news featured an elderly woman in her 80s who still drove, but who said that she didn’t feel comfortable driving on interstate highways (which she’d need to to get to the vaccination site) and that she only drove on the city streets within the few miles from where she lived to get to stores, t0 church and to her local doctors’ office. A man who didn’t drive said he thought they should have set up the clinic at the local senior citizens center, which is currently closed to seniors, but which still operates the local “Meals on Wheels” program, the office for a senior citizen transportation service, a medical equipment (mostly wheel chairs and walkers) lending library, and a referral center that helps them with picking medical supplemental health insurance plans and other health insurance problems.

  41. Anny*

    What are the economics of ethical pet-ownership?

    I’m thinking of getting a dog. I’m very much in the “thinking” stage of the process because I want to be sure I’ll be a good pet owner before I go that route. While some of that is, if not easy to figure out, at least black and white – can I commit to walking the dog four times a day, yes or no – others are more difficult.

    What should you be willing and able to spend on vet expenses? I can afford routine medical care and ‘simple’ surgeries (broken paw, anal gland, etc) as long as they don’t happen every year – I wouldn’t consider getting a pet if I couldn’t. But I don’t think I would be able to pay for cancer treatment, for example. There’s pet health insurance, but there is a limit to those policies and don’t think I could pay for much more than that limit.

    Please share any thoughts and opinions you have. Rather than mentioning dollar amounts, please talk about the kind of procedures a pet owner should be able to cover – then I can look up what those approximately cost in my area and currency.

    1. Dwight Schrute*

      I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I just had to put a pet to sleep this week. Before we get our pets my SO and I agree on what we’ll do. We have a cat who will never be healthy. He has several chronic conditions. We agreed that we would do one surgery for him that in theory would vastly improve the quality of life he has left, as he presumably has several years left. However, beyond that surgery we likely won’t do more. We always look at the long term benefit. Is X procedure only going to improve or extend their life by 6 months? How long is the overall expected life span of my pet? For example; with my rats, I don’t do surgery on them. They’re small, only live three years and tumors almost always come back. I let them go until it impacts their quality of life and then euthanize.

    2. Lucette Kensack*

      Hmm, this is interesting. When my husband and I decided to get a dog we first wrote down what we would each be willing to pay for emergency vet care, to make sure that we were on the same page. We were not! I wrote down $1,000; he wrote down $10,000. (I think neither of us were right, btw. $1,000 is definitely not enough, and I don’t think he/we actually would have spent $10,000.)

      Pet insurance was our solution. We use Happy Paws and it has been great for us. We got our dog as a puppy, and she had a clean bill of health so there are no exclusions on our policy. As it turns out, she hasn’t needed any emergency care, but she does have a chronic condition that requires a couple of medications and the insurance more than pays for itself in covering that. (I’m not sure what you mean by a limit to those policies. Different companies have different practices. Healthy Paws doesn’t have a cap on claims, and the premium doesn’t increase based on claims made. The premium does increase as your pet gets older. It’s gone up about $1/month per year for us.)

      So, what you should be prepared for:

      If you get a puppy (or an adult dog that chews things it shouldn’t) you should be prepared for (expensive) abdominal surgery.

      For older dogs, you should be clear about what you believe — independent of cost — about how to care for a declining animal. If you had all the money in the world, would you want your dog to go through chemo and multiple surgeries? What do you believe about how long you should wait to euthanize a dog if they are suffering in various ways?

      Hip dysplasia is one specific ailment to consider. Some pet insurance won’t cover it. Healthy Paws does but requires a fairly long waiting period (six months or a year I think), so it’s possible that you could adopt your dog, buy insurance, and then have hip dysplasia diagnosed eight months later and not be covered. Hip dysplasia is much more common in some breeds (and mutts that have those breeds in them) than others so you’d want to do your research on this.

      One important note is that chronic issues may be more likely to be a problem than emergencies. We save around $500/year on our dog’s medications with the insurance (that’s after paying the premium and the deductible), and we saved a couple of thousand dollars while we were getting her diagnosed.

      These are good questions! I’m glad you’re being so thoughtful and hope you end up with a companion that you love.

      1. Squeakrad*

        Thanks for being so thoughtful. I will say that whatever you figure out in the light of day before hand may go out the window when something actually happens. We have had cats our whole life, and until a couple of years ago, only had the typical that visits, teeth cleaning and in one case a chronic illness that was easily managed financially.

        However when our sweetest baby cat was diagnosed with a very rare cancer, we dipped into our retirement savings to spend almost $10,000 on her surgery. While it did not extend her life appreciably, if we had it to do over again – knowing she would just live another few months – we would do it all over again. And that is not some thing we would’ve said at the outset we would be willing to do.

        Since then we have now purchased insurance on our other adult cat, and when she had to have dental work done it’s saved us a couple of thousand dollars over the cost of the insurance. It also pays for routine visits, lee medication, and other medication she’s taking over the years.

        So while it’s great to be thinking of what your upper limit would be, I don’t think you’ll really know until you face the situation.

      2. Schmitt*

        Yes. We pay about €300 per year for teeth cleaning for our cat with genetic gum infections. I set aside money each month for that and also keep a line in my budget for emergency visits.

    3. TL -*

      There’s not really a should when it comes to complex medical treatments for your pets. I mean, there are very rare cases of an easily treatable cancer in a young pet with a high chance of survival and low side effects – but they’re rare. If your pet develops a condition where there’s complex medical needs, it’s likely to be a very messy calculus of age + quality of life (both with and without treatment) + likelihood of survival + likeliest of severe side effects and/or reoccurrence + availability & accessibility of specialist vets + cost.

      For instance, when my horse passed, she was 25 (but had a reasonable life expectancy of 30), with severe colic that maybe could have been treated by a specialist 2.5 hours away *if* she survived the journey. Our vet said that he wouldn’t recommend it unless this horse was a significant financial asset (like an expensive stud racehorse) because it would have been cruel to trailer her in the state she was in, even if she survived. The cost of treating her would have been thousands, but it was honestly the last factor. We put her down.

      When they’re young, save even for emergency medical treatment (hit by a car and needs imagining+surgery+recovery time, ate something bad and needs surgery, something acute but easily curable.) As they get older, consider if you’re willing to spend a $100+/month on pills and checkups if they develop chronic conditions. Then save or budget for that before they become geriatric, when that is likely.

      I wouldn’t budget tons of money for major complex medical treatment like cancer, personally – mostly because you’re strongly setting yourself up to say yes when it might be the kindest thing is really to say no. More important is that you have enough set aside for palliative care – pain management, meds to ease symptoms, and enough diagnostic tests to get a realistic picture of quality of life and likely outcome.

      Frankly there’s almost no limit to the money you can spend in some cases, but that doesn’t mean you should.

    4. Double A*

      We have cats who I find tend to be less expensive vet wise, so you might need to adjust numbers for dogs. We don’t take our cats to regular care, and basically only take them to the vet if something is wrong. They are indoors only, so this reduces their exposure to risk a lot. But the last two months of the year we had two cat vet emergencies and problem spent close to $2000 between the two of them (sadly, our kitten had a massive lymphoma and had to be put down. When our 16 year old cat stopped eating I thought the worst…but she bounced back fine. Lesson: don’t bring flowers into the house when you have pets).

      For a cat, even a run of the mill sickness will usually run you $700-$1200. So I decided we need to have $3000 in savings specifically for vet expenses. To me, this is around the upper limit we’d “automatically” pay in treatments. If something got much more expensive than that, we’d be really thinking about quality of life vs longevity etc. It’s not that we wouldn’t pay more, but usually as costs rise you’re looking at a less certain outcome.

      It’s totally fine to not be willing to pay “whatever it takes” for care for an animal. Ushering them compassionately through the end of their lives is one of the responsibilities you take on when you take them in. But do what to can to keep them safe and healthy.

      It’s better to invest in care and safety upfront; prevent fleas, keep dogs leashed and enclosed, get their shots, etc.

    5. mreasy*

      Be ready for emergency surgery and a 24 hour hospital stay. I know you didn’t ask for numbers but where I live, it’s having $2000 in reserve. Have I spent more than that though? Indeed.

      1. Squeakrad*

        I wanted to add to my post above. When we spent the money we did on our cat surgery, it was with the understanding from the surgeon and the oncologist that the surgery had an excellent chance to offer her a great quality of life for at least the next couple of years. And she was a relatively young cat this seemed worthwhile. But as it turned out it was much more virulent a cancer than anyone anticipated.So we likely would not of put a much older cat with not much chance for remission through the stress of the surgery and the after care. We made a bet and sadly lost but we would do it again if everything else was the same.

      2. pancakes*

        Yes. OP mentions anal gland surgery as “simple,” but when my dog needed one removed on an emergency basis years years ago – at least a decade ago – it was closer to $6,000. Things like spaying / neutering and teeth cleanings can (where I live, at least) often be scheduled at a lower-cost clinic, but emergencies, by nature, often can’t.

    6. Asenath*

      It depends on your own ability to pay more than anything else, once you get past the bare essentials like shots and spay/neuter. I set aside a savings account with small regular donations for pet care rather that buy the insurance which is costly and has limitations.

      My elderly cat now has kidney failure AND thyroid problems. I discussed her condition with the vet and considered the gold standard for thyroid – radioactive iodine. That would have meant travelling out of province to a specialist vet, so the costs would have been quite high. After research, I decided that even if it worked, her other health problems meant she might not live long enough to benefit from it, so I decided not to proceed with it. I could have found the money. She is getting a special diet and monitoring from the local vet – the initial diagnosis was expensive, but the special food only moderately so.

      I did once pay for major surgery for a cat who was hit by a car, but she was younger, stronger, and had a great recovery.

      I just do it case by case, putting a way a bit of money as a reserve.

      1. mreasy*

        I recommend the supplement Aminavast for a kidney cat. My gal lived 6 healthy years after kidney failure diagnosis with its help.

    7. Littorally*

      I would not feel like you need to budget ahead of time for things like cancer care. Here are some of the things I’ve had come up as more or less “not always but not strikingly rare” events:

      – Blood tests
      – Maintenance medications like thyroid cream or joint supplements
      – Pet sitting (if you travel)
      – Prescription cat food

    8. Squidhead*

      I’d suggest getting some pet insurance quotes before you rule it out, although I come from a cat (not dog) household. Our 5 year old cat needed life-saving surgery to the tune of $10K USD. Without it he would have died within a few days. The surgery wasn’t certain to work, of course, but it did work and he is still here 6 years later. But we simply couldn’t have risked that amount of money and would have euthanized him without insurance (especially after having already spent 2-3k on diagnostics and non-surgical attempts to resolve the problem). And this was exactly why we got insurance…we didn’t want to be in a position where the money was the deciding factor about what care we could provide. Our cat insurance (PetPlan) is around $300/year/cat and does have a deductible. I’m sure it’s more expensive for dogs, but several companies offer choices. Heck, I even have access to a plan through my work benefits!

      1. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

        I second this. There are so many different insurance companies with different plan levels (and therefore different levels of coverage). When we got our dog, my spouse’s union provided a lower rate for pet insurance. We opted for a higher rate to cover a larger percentage of cost, as well as including preventative care (shots, heartworm, etc.). The peace of mind is worth it.

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      So, my dogs have been RIDICULOUSLY healthy their whole lives. Between my husband and I we’ve had the Elder Statesdog since she was 3 (and she just turned 13 on Thursday), and the now-6-year-old Junior Ambassador came home from the shelter at 8 weeks old. The only vet encounters we’ve ever had with either of them that weren’t garden-variety checkups was one walking issue with the Elder Statesdog that turned out to be she’d slept funny and put one of her front legs to sleep, and one situation where the Junior Ambassador caught a claw on the fence while chasing squirrels and split it back to the quick, so they had to knock her out, cut the claw out back behind the split, and bandage her up so it could grow back, which it did. Elder Statesdog has some pretty hefty arthritis now, for which she’s on medication that costs approximately a dollar a day, but that’s it.

      I actually end up spending more on grooming than vet bills in general – JA doesn’t like to go in the car, because she gets carsick, and ES’s mobility issues make it hard for her to get up in my SUV, so I use a mobile grooming service to make everyone’s life easier. They come every two months in a truck that has a puppy spa in the back, park it out in my driveway and take the girls out for baths and nail grinding one at a time.

      When I’ve had to board or leave them with my housemates, my general rule of thumb is, any necessary/emergency vet care up to $500, do it, no need to contact me first if it’s emergency, and I’ll pay whoever I need to pay for it. If it’s a non-emergent or more expensive issue, then I would prefer to have some discussion with my vet first if possible, especially with the Elder Statesdog – the quality-of-life discussion is different in her case, considering her age and mobility/mental issues, than it would be with the Junior Ambassador.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Sorry, I kinda glossed this — Elder Statesdog also has doggy dementia along with her arthritis, but since there’s no viable medical treatment for it, it doesn’t add anything to the vet bills. The only related expense was a baby gate for the bottom of the stairs, because once she gets up she can’t get back down without falling, so now she’s full time only on the main floor of the house instead of sleeping up in our bedroom.

    10. MissCoco*

      I keep small pets, so I have strong feelings about this.
      Here are the procedures I think people should be able to cover:

      1. Euthanasia, always.

      2. Emergency vet trips. I know this is more complicated for dogs, since emergency vet visits may involve extremely expensive surgeries, but I know what our local animal hospital that treats rodents costs for a night time visit (most expensive), and I always have that money set aside along with + a few hundred for follow up visits, procedures, or medication.

      3. Regular care – yearly checkups, tooth cleanings, grooming whatever the ordinary expected needs are for your pet

      3. Any breed or pet specific common treatable problems. Know what they are, and what it would cost to fix them (eg. bloat, hip dysplasia, skin problems).

      Something lots of small pet owners do is to build their own insurance plan.
      What would you pay for pet insurance monthly, put it in an account every month. If a chronic medical condition pops up, I increase the amount I’m putting into the account slightly, because they are more likely to need the money.
      It does help to not have to dip into my spending money if something unexpected comes up, and I think there is a point I’ll stop “paying into” our account, because there really is only so much one can spend on rodents (especially with prey animals, I think extraordinary measures are not always the kindest measures).

      1. Reba*

        We also chose not to get insurance (our dog is old), but just keep savings for her care. But, we do pay for a “membership” to our vet practice, that basically spreads all the preventive care costs (including dental cleaning) across monthly payments; this makes the budgeting easier.

        My sibling carried pet insurance when her dogs were young and eating inappropriate things, but dropped it when they got older and stopped swallowing acorns requiring surgery to remove.

    11. Yellow Warbler*

      Cat owner here, so prices may be a bit different.

      We had VPI pet insurance and they royally screwed us, claiming absolutely everything was pre-existing. After that, we started setting aside $100 a month into a self-run pet insurance account. We keep it at $5,000 and top up when we use any money. We use it for anything large, like X-rays, but pay from our monthly budget for routine exams and prescriptions.

      Our recurrent problem is kidney failure, since that just tends to be how cats go once they get old enough. Money trickles out for that, rather than going to one huge procedure. Meds, special food, sub-Q fluids and supplies.

      I’ve never had an animal specifically prone to an expensive problem (hip dysplasia, brachycephalic issues, etc.), and I would not be willing to get one.

      Your tolerance to this changes over time. At first you have no experience, so you have no choice but to consider it strictly from a budgeting perspective. We spent a lot on our first renal failure cat, and in retrospect I was too inexperienced to see how well she hid her suffering. I regret putting so much time/effort/money into keeping her alive because the quality of life wasn’t there, and it still weighs on me years later. Now, I’m much better at reading my animals, and I factor quality of life much heavier in the equation.

      I would not do something like cancer treatment unless it was surgery to remove a small malignant cyst that was isolated. Chemo or radiation, I would not put a pet through that.

    12. Dear liza dear liza*

      Lots of good advice. I will add that if you go through a reputable dog breeder, they will take the dog back if you financially cannot care for it. That would be a dreadful choice to make, of course, but helps with buyer beware concerns.

    13. Can't Sit Still*

      For me personally, I feel that if I can’t afford to insure my pets, I can’t afford to have them. I have had too many cats with weird, random health issues that I just feel better having insurance for them. I live in a high cost of living area, and veterinary pricing reflects that. I use PetPlan, and they cover both urgent care and maintenance for existing medical conditions, but not regular expected care, like shots and teeth cleaning. They have always paid my claims promptly, without any questions or quibbling over prices.

      My 2 year old cat had to have ventral bulla osteotomy for a benign ear polyp last fall. This primarily affects young dogs and cats, since the polyp is either present at birth or develops within the first couple of months.

      My cat had a recurring history of ear infections and had visible bumps in his ear. He received x-rays of his ear at his regular vet, who then referred to him to a veterinary surgical hospital for a CAT scan. The CAT scan showed that his ear canal was filled with the polyp, so they recommended the VBO. He was in surgery for over an hour and needed CPR when they started to lose him when they were finishing up. The polyp was benign and there was no infection. All told, I had to purchase multiple medications (2 pain relievers, eye ointment, appetite stimulant and an anti-anxiety medication) and make multiple return visits, including one urgent care visit because he hadn’t eaten for 3 days post-surgery. He’s made a very good recovery, although they had to go so deep that it affected his optic nerve. He’s adapted well, and is able to climb and play again. Most importantly, he is now pain-free. It is very likely he had been in pain essentially his entire life prior to surgery.

      The cheaper alternative would have been to wait for his eardrum to burst and have the polyp removed via forceps. In the meantime, he would have been in agonizing pain and the polyp would have had a very good chance of recurring anyway. Due to the size of the growth, his optic nerve would have eventually been affected anyway, and it could have grown into his nasal passages and affected his ability to breathe or even eat.

      I would not have been able to afford his treatment without pet insurance. As it is, the polyp shouldn’t recur and he has a vastly improved quality of life.

    14. NoLongerYoung*

      I got a policy that is catastrophic only, high deductible for that, and put the deductible in a (mentally untouchable) savings account. It wound up being about $350 a year (discount for annual payment) for the policy. I pay all the regular vet, heartworm, etc stuff (and that.plus her small dog high quality food and grooming were more than my previous dogs..). Since she was a rescue, however, she is considered a mixed breed (akc/pure breeds tend, sorry, to have more problems genetically and medically in my experience…which is extensive). And the insurance is priced accordingly.
      It gives me peace of mind that I wont be bankrupt from a catastrophic illness or forced to choose on cost alone. I want to make my choice (as I have had to) on quality of life alone.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        The reason I mentioned the premium and approach is because that deductible is one time per illness, but everything (no% copay) is covered after that for the illness. Because my stepdaughter has had 2 catastrophic illnesses in beloved pets (and had to finance the treatment), I had a pretty good idea how expensive the worst case unforeseen could be. And my dogs had significant illness in my past.
        Given current dog’s younger age at adoption, and my losses in the past, I wanted to protect her. So I did that matrix of possible insurance costs with this approach, versus one significant treatment, and it was break even
        But if costs are even more unforeseen, I am covered. And this is planned.

    15. Anny*

      Thank you all so much! I’ve been worried by people on the internet who write long posts and articles that boil down to “don’t get a pet when you can’t afford the vet”, but it seems that my budget (or the yearly cap of local health insurance’s reimbursement) is well in line with what you all consider reasonable.

      I’m still a long way away from making the decision, but you’ve given me confidence to keep researching rather than giving up because of finances.

      Thank you.

  42. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Any suggestions for getting more “in the know” about things, especially local affairs? Beyond subscribing to a local paper, maybe?

    I’ve been asked to stand as a candidate in an upcoming local election and I feel like I’m really not well suited to it at all. It’s an AAM cliché but I am kind of a loner and although I’ve lived in this neighbourhood for 10+ years I have spent a lot of that time working at home or on contract jobs in other places, so I don’t have many contacts from former jobs etc. I don’t have that many friends in the area, and I don’t have kids so I’m not connected to other parents, etc. It’s extremely unlikely that I would win this particular election but if by some fluke I did, I would feel extremely unqualified for the job!

    I hear about things occasionally through a local Facebook group and through other party members, but I somehow manage to float around in a fog of obliviousness most of the time. And the workings of local government is very far from my field of expertise so I really don’t know where to start with finding things out. How do people who are “in the loop” do it?

    1. nep*

      Do you feel inclined to run? If so, what would your motivation be? (Who has asked you to run, if you don’t mind answering that?)
      I know I feel much better in touch with things in the community when I regularly watch city council and planning commission meetings.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        We have such a small party locally that just about anyone who turns up for meetings on a regular basis is asked to stand for a council seat by the rest of the group. Usually when we get in locally our councillors are popular and do a good job, but we don’t have enough members to have a candidate in every constituency. So really I’d be standing as a favour to the chair and as part of a bigger long term strategy to raise our profile.

        Originally I joined as a protest related to national politics but since we’re so small I ended up being more involved than I originally expected.

        There are also things that the council do that are relevant to my actual career, so knowing about that process even if I’m not involved in any actual decisions it would be beneficial to me on a professional level.

    2. pancakes*

      I think this is very location-dependent. In many places in the US, local papers became filled with syndicated content and/or sold to massive conglomerates years ago, and may not be the best source of local news.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I was on a local board for over 10 years.
      I did not know anything about so called “politics” either. I did know my area that I live in, I see the challenges here on my own property.

      For the most part here, people get on boards then turn into lumps on a log. They just sit there year after year. There are some real and legitimate reasons for this.

      What little training is available from the county is either irrelevant or not accessible.
      In my case there was very little money to work with so this meant there was nothing to debate or argue over. We never debated anything. There really wasn’t much to do except fill a seat for purposes of being compliant with the law.

      My number one word of caution is that if you are thinking this is a good way to meet people and make friends, you will be disappointed. The bonds between people are weak and easily lost.

      At least you realize you are not qualified for the job. You will find others on the board not only are unqualified but they do not even realize they are not qualified. In other words, you have to be willing to research and train yourself. I did things like google minutes from other communities to see what they were discussing in board meetings. I googled laws pertinent to what we were talking about currently.
      Getting oriented as to who does what is important. I made my own contact lists and wrote down what the person did for the municipality.

      Start by going to board meetings. Learn people’s names, get oriented as to how they handle their meetings. Treat everyone with the same level of courtesy- this way you don’t get sucked into what I call BS.
      You should be able to find their minutes on line. Sit down and read the last six months of minutes. This sounds tedious and it can be. But surprisingly you will also notice patterns such as the same topics over and over OR such as one individual who seems to speak up more often than others. Or you might notice that the minutes are dreadful and very unprofessionally organized. This too is helpful information as you may not want to get involved in something that is in disarray.

      Under the heading of eyes wide open. I am not trying to be mean but the truth is that around here people who are approached to run for a board are being asked because no one else is interested. In all likelihood they are asking you because others are declining the request. (This is how I ended up on the board and sat there for over 10 years. No one else wanted to do it. And there are reasons for that.)

      I did find things to do- small projects with low cost or no cost. Most of the projects involved modernizing our systems already in place, being more accessible to the public and so on. When I found a project the unspoken was that I would be the one doing the project. Others did not have time or energy to spare, which is another reason why I did small things. I only took on what I could handle on my own.

      First few steps:
      Find out who is running against you. If you are running unopposed this is the easiest thing. I never had any opposition (again, no one wanted it).
      Find out how many people vote in the local election. Our number was less than 20. If you are running in a small election like this and running unopposed, be prepared to get elected. In other words, don’t go at this thinking, “Oh I won’t win.”
      I take it you have a party affiliation. Will there be a primary for your party? Will you need to prepare speeches?
      What does your party expect you to support and be in favor of? What do they want to see on the local level? Will your party help you petition so you can get your name on the ballot? Petitioning means going door to door.

      Next. The election- will this be a campaign with lawn signs and speeches? I never did any of that, again, no one cared. Your party should help you with all this stuff if it is necessary.
      Someone will call you to let you know you won. You will probably be told that you need to do an oath of office. You should be aware by this point when the next board meeting is and where it is.
      To get yourself through the learning curve volunteer for well chosen things. I’d volunteer to do some small tasks that no one else showed any interest in. It’s fine to have no idea what you are doing as you work at your task, be polite and be patient and friendly that will carry you through most things.
      Take notes at each meeting. I made my notes right on the agenda for the meeting. Keep the meeting materials organized- this way you can look back for referencing.

      This is the general idea. I will check for you later to see if you have any more questions that I may/may not be able to answer….

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        This would be a city council seat so a little more involved than what you’re describing, but we generally do have pretty low turnout for local elections. However I’d definitely have opponents, probably for more than one party. On the other hand we haven’t had a candidate here for a couple of elections so I suppose it’s possible I could win.

        However, since this is more of a profile-raising exercise I’d be what they call a “paper candidate”. I’d do the bare minimum required to be on the ballot but no campaign as such. Most of our door to door activities are cancelled because of the pandemic anyway. I might have to do a speech if we have any kind of events but I am generally ok with public speaking.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          Probably not wise to run unless you are sure you’d be ok with winning and have thought it through.

          “Accidental council seat winner” sound like a great premise for a sitcom with lots of quirky characters, not so fun in real life.

          1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

            If I did win then my party would be in the majority on the council and I’d have plenty of help from my colleagues, so I’m not too worried about that. There are enough councillors that I wouldn’t be the sole person responsible for making sure any one thing was done properly in any case. There are some resources out there on what the job entails that I’ve been looking at but not so much about how you become a pillar of the community so to speak.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Being a pillar of the community is very different from learning about serving on a board.
              Pillar of the community takes more time as one earns the reputation for showing up repeatedly; saying things that are well thought out; offering to help with mundane or large projects and so on.

              For either goal, I personally think that the first step is to learn people’s names and learn something about them and what they do.

    4. OyHiOh*

      Disregarding the run for election part of your question, for a moment

      In the know: subscribing to a local paper is an ok start. You’ll get the editorial slant of your local office, which will influence which stories run, and where they’re positioned in the physical issue. If this is interesting to you to figure out, it’s worth reading.

      If you use social media, following local government pages on your preferred platforms (FB and LinkedIn are the most worth it for me) can be possibly more useful than a newspaper, IF the public affairs people for your local agencies are any good at what they do. Look for town/city, or county pages. If there are regional or state offices that speak to an area you’re personally or professionally interested in (like, you are interested in public health), you might look for public health departments for your county and state.

      Attending public meetings. This is easier now than it used to be. In a lot of places (even where I live, where I’ve talked about regionally poor access to decent broadband before), public government meetings have adapted to offering live streamed/recorded access to meetings. You don’t have to be in the city council chambers at 6 pm any more. You can save the link to the meeting and watch it when you’ve got time.

      Volunteer for a commission or board. In my state, there’s a heavy emphasis on local control. As a result, county and city governments tend to have many citizen advisory boards and commissions that focus on specific topics and offer insight to elected officials. So, let’s say you’re interested in public health, and you’re particularly concerned about how public health measures impact senior citizens. In my state/county, you might volunteer for the county’s “healthy seniors” advisory board.

      Join an organization like Junior League (if your female identifying) or League of Women Voters (despite name, they welcome everyone). I know you said you’re kind of a loner but these organizations tend to be local/state in focus and attract people who want to do good in their communities. Junior League is more of a community development org, LWV is more policy minded. There are other orgs that might strike your fancy better.

      Make a couple good friends. Part of how I progressed from being locally oblivious/globally aware, to getting tied in to local affairs was developing close friendships with people who are already active in my community and starting conversations with them about specific local topics. “Hey, I heard Radio Guy on the morning show talking about how the drug epidemic impacted his family. Did you listen? Do you have thoughts?” and off we go from there.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I saw in one of your replies some suggestions that you may not be USA based. My apologies, if this is the case.

        Without USA inflection, my advice would be
        possibly read local paper
        definitely local government on social media if you use those platforms already
        attend public meetings virtually
        join an organization that has an interest in local politics and/or policy (sounds like you might be doing this already with the party meetings you attended)
        Make a couple friends who are already in the loop and have conversations with them about specific local issues, making a point to learn what the local concerns are, and who’s who.

    5. Reba*

      Are there blogs, social media accounts, or other “unofficial” news sources covering your area? In my city that is how I learn about things that often don’t rise to the level of newspaper coverage but are nice to know. When a park has closed, car stolen, new bagel place opened… and discussion of quality of life stuff.

      I think you could also reach out to some community organizations and ask if you could do a call with whoever is appropriate — comms person, assistant director or someone? Explain you are running for office and would like to know more about their concerns and their work — I bet some will bite.

    6. RagingADHD*

      One thing you could do is check out the official bios of the current council to see what other community groups or offices they have also held. In my area, the school PTO, the Chamber of Commerce, and larger charities are often a path to gaining experience and influence. There are also advisory boards for the library and other community institutions.

      I’d also advise you to attend meetings regularly and see what publications are represented – the larger daily paper for our metro area doesn’t cover city issues until they are huge stories. But the smaller paper that comes out once a month covers everything in depth.

      Talk to people who are also attending: local politics is an ongoing conversation, and I’ve seen some shiny hopeful candidates spin out badly because they didn’t know about the ugly dispute that happened the last time an issue was discussed, and they wound up alienating the very people who might otherwise have supported them. It’s easy to be tone-deaf.

      And talk to a range of people – again, it’s easy for new people to get sucked into someone else’s agenda, and not realize that this person is actually on the outs with everyone because of past misbehavior or shadiness.

    7. Squidhead*

      Maybe try getting involved in some other local groups that interest you? Join the wetlands preservation group and you’ll probably start to hear about the planned housing and industrial development. Join the business council and you’ll learn how the environmental regulations are impacting development opportunities. Volunteer at a food pantry and you’ll learn more about who is food insecure and why. Become active in low-income housing efforts and you’ll hear about the difficulty involved in keeping people with serious mental illnesses housed. Support the police auxiliary and you’ll gain perspective on why people with serious mental illnesses often wind up on the hands of law enforcement, not health providers. Etc… obviously you won’t do all these things at once but the actions and perspectives of community groups are influenced by the needs of the community. If you go in simultaneously wanting to help but also wanting to learn and think critically about how your community functions, it could benefit you and your future political role.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Yes, this! Whatever Thing you attended protests about probably ties to six or eight local community issues. The six degrees of connection thing is much more true than most people realize, until they get involved in an issue they’re passionate about.

        My weekday Thing We Don’t Talk About on Weekend Thread is in economic development. Sounds boring and business-y. But education, arts/culture, water, transportation, adoption and use of technology, access to banking, socio-economic-ethnic equality and access, and disaster resilience are all critical components and about half of those issues are things I am personally invested in and have connections to. Therefore, much to my surprise, I find my day job just as interesting and engaging as my off hours activities.

  43. nep*

    I don’t like winter, but I sure do like not taking time to make my hair look presentable–hat 100% of the time while I’m out and about. One thing to like about the cold season…
    Anyone else?

    1. Dwight Schrute*

      I wear a baseball cap in the summer to mimic my winter look. But I also just throw my hair up in a bun 99 percent of the time

      1. nep*

        I’ve got long hair and I never, ever where it down. Bun all the way. But I do the top knot or loose/back of neck bun several times before it looks OK to me.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I like the part where it comes to an end. It was in the minus double digits here last night. I probably don’t need to but I stand right inside the door and wait for my dog to get done outside, then I pull him in immediately. He’s out there maybe three minutes. I think he needs a few more minutes judging by his reaction to me.

      1. nep*

        Believe me, I would happily do without a few months of the year of the hat escape. Strongly dislike winter–mostly the snow and ice, but also the cold when it’s under 25 or so and super windy. Always happy when it ends.

    3. Monty & Millie's Mom*

      I honestly don’t mind winter, but it does get tedious and I don’t care for the short days, but one thing I truly like is observing and celebrating how the days get longer. Thr shortest day is right before Christmas, and if you can make it until then, it gets better! Plus, I find I really appreciate the changing seasons more – I wouldn’t appreciate the warmth of summer so much if I didn’t remember how cold it gets in January! Practically speaking, I LOVE the warm, soft, snuggly clothes I get to wear in the cold times, too!

    4. Finny*

      I like seeing the bunny prints in the snow. Hate the snow and ice (I’m legally blind; all ice is black ice to me), but love the bunny prints. Bunny prints mean bunnies have been around even when I’ve not seen them.

  44. Keymaster of Gozer*

    Query regarding talking to medical professionals:

    I have to get a full health check soon at the GP (my psychiatric meds have a ton of negative side effects, some serious) including weight. I asked the doc over the phone if they could do this and not tell me the results. I’ve got a long and fraught history with restrictive eating disorders. She said that according to the records I’m listed as obese (true) and therefore she sees no harm in telling me my weight.

    However, I know the general blood draws/weight etc will be done by a nurse, not her, so any tips for how to ask the nursing staff to not tell me the results AND see if they can put a note in my records about it?

    (At the moment I’m contemplating putting earplugs in…)

    1. Decidedly Me*

      Is getting another doc an option? I wouldn’t want to go to a doctor that doesn’t respect my choices. Did you tell her your reasoning? If you did, it’s even worse of her to not get that. I have a friend with a history of eating disorders and seeing her weight can cause issues for her. She’s not oblivious to or ignoring any potential weight concerns, but the number can be triggering. Her doc respects that.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Not sure how things are set up elsewhere in the UK but where I am you can’t get a specific regular doctor anymore. You literally get whoever has a spare appointment slot and all the good GPs at the practice are spending a lot of time at the vaccine distribution centre up in town.

        I could, now I think about it, ask for the appointment to be delayed, and hope to get another doctor. I know my meds have serious risks that do need to be monitored (heart issues) but a month shouldn’t be too critical.

        (Last time a doc read out my weight and then started on lecturing me about it I stopped eating for weeks. I dunno what risks malnutrition has for Covid survival but I bet it’s not great!)

        1. Amey*

          I’m in the UK and I think you will always have a doctor that you are ‘registered’ with at your surgery. At mine, if you ring up for an appointment you’ll see whomever is available, but you can request a specific doctor, it just might take longer to see them. You also can absolutely say you don’t want to see a particular doctor! I’ve found that test results etc always tend to go back to my registered doctor even if I’ve seen someone else. I had a number of bad experiences with my original doctor and put up with it for years because I was nervous about changing. In the end, I just rang up and asked to change my registered GP (for me and my children) and they did it immediately, no questions asked. I wish I’d done it years ago! Now, I’ll see any doctor for most things, but ask to see my registered doctor for ongoing issues where seeing the same person is helpful. There are loads of elderly people at my surgery whom it’s quite clear always see the same person. I really recommend that you talk to your surgery about this and see if that’s possible – speak to your practice manager. You don’t need to reveal why.

          1. Keymaster of Gozer*

            Good point. I checked and I am registered with a specific GP who I think is an absolute legend. He’s one of the partners though and it seems really rare to get an appointment with him :(

    2. fposte*

      That response from the doctor really surprises me.

      However, I will say that IME it really depends on the nurse/assistant who takes me back, and I don’t know that they’d necessarily know what my doctor might have written about my preferences at that point. Mostly I waive the weighing and there’s rarely pushback on that, but obviously for physicals or stuff it really is necessary. Sometimes they ask me if I want to know; sometimes they tilt the viewer away when it’s obvious I don’t want to see it. With digital readouts it’s not unavoidably in my face, so I’ve never had to raise the issue first. My impression is that this is getting really common, so it’s not a new concept to most staff.

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        Good point, I’ve never had issues with the nurses at the practice (v nice) but some of the GPs are…let’s just say rather biased against anyone with a high BMI.

        1. Viette*

          I know a lot of GPs are incredibly biased against people with a high BMI, but I do think her response shows that she’s not properly trained to take care of you with your eating disorder. The statement, “[you’re] listed as obese (true) and therefore she sees no harm in telling [you your] weight” sounds borne of a really old, inaccurate, but entrenched medical belief that overweight/obese patients cannot have an eating disorder, and the only way to ‘truly’ have an eating disorder is to be underweight. We now know that’s wrong, but a lot of GPs don’t have or haven’t accepted these new developments in understanding.

          I think the workarounds here are good ones, but this GP sounds like a person who doesn’t know even the basics about treating your health condition, and is using information that’s out of date and harmful. This is like telling a heart disease patient that they don’t have to take a statin because they’re thin, so it’ll be fine. We know that’s not true. We know what she’s doing isn’t a safe way to take care of patients with eating disorders, of which you are one.

          1. Keymaster of Gozer*

            Great perspective, and I could use an example from my own medical history: the doctor who told me I was far too young to have arthritis.

    3. Natalie*

      One easy thing I did all the time when I was pregnant was get onto the scale backwards! Most of the nurses I interacted with seemed to understand that this is a “thing” for people that don’t care to know their weight, and for the one who occasionally looked at me oddly I would specify that I didn’t want to know the number. Never had any issues with anyone insisting I should be told.

      2. Nixologist*

        Yes! As an eating disordered person myself, I will typically just stand backwards or simply ask if I can do a blind weigh in. I’m my experience this has never caused an issue. I don’t look at the scale and the nurse doesn’t say the number out loud. Though, even with understanding nurses, sometimes I receive record of my vitals anyway which defeats the purpose.
        Either way I do have thin privilege working for me in these scenarios as doctors are not fixated on my weight and are more likely to ignore it unless I mention something.

        1. Natalie*

          Oh, that’s a good point – I think my BMI puts me slightly into the “overweight” category (but tbh I don’t remember anymore), and I look like a relatively slender person so I do probably get less pressure for that reason.

      3. MinotJ*

        Same here. Never been pregnant, never had an ED, but I’m dealing with my weight on my own and I just don’t want to know what their scale says. So I get on the scale facing backwards. Nobody has ever said a thing about it, so I figure it’s common enough. I think when I first did it, I asked the nurse if it was ok, and she was so blasé about it that I stopped worrying.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      What happens if you refuse to get on the scale? Can they refuse to see you? There’s no need for them to tell you your weight and if they can’t help themselves they can live without the data.

      1. Generic Name*

        Are certain medications dosed by weight? That would really be the only reason, in my opinion, to get weighed.

      3. Kay*

        I’ve not been weighed at the doctors in years. I just say no, thank you…. I’ve never had any problem or push back.

      4. Never Nicky*

        There’s often push back: “We can’t continue to prescribe X without knowing your weight”.

        It’s got worse in the UK since the “obesity task force” and non-NHS organisations getting paid to run programs for pre-diabetes, weight loss, smoking cessation etc

        Look, I’m obese, knowing even 10 pounds either way isn’t going to change that. How about focusing on other biomarkers that actually relate to my health and the medication I’m taking?

    5. Not A Manager*

      Is there a typo in the OP? Did the doc say that she sees no harm in NOT telling you your weight?

      In any event, I would tell whoever is actually reading the scale “It is very important for my [mental] health that you not tell me my weight, or comment on it in any way. Can you do that?” Wait for an answer. If it’s anything other than an enthusiastic yes (no arguing back or asking why), then politely ask if someone else can take your weight.

      Similarly, as soon as the doctor enters the room I would say to her, “Before we start, please let me remind you that any conversation about my weight – especially scale numbers – is dangerous to my [mental] health. Can we agree not to discuss it?”

      1. Keymaster of Gozer*

        No, she sees no harm in telling me my weight. When in fact telling me my weight WOULD be harmful. She’s one of those ‘if I hound you about being obese there’s nothing bad in that’ types.

        I didn’t put it clearly, but after the blood work etc. I have to have an appointment with a doctor because there’s other tests that the nurses can’t do. I’m afraid that she’ll see the notes stating my weight and insist on giving me a lecture on it.

        I love your wording! Definitely putting that down on paper so I remember. Thank you :)

        1. WellRed*

          Do the time honored kid thing of putting hands on ears and saying “lalalalalalalala!” It’d certainly get her attention; )

        2. Not A Manager*

          Have you seen the gifs of the nopetopus? I so very much wish you could nope right out of that doctor.

          Taking your word that you can’t, I think you need to be very assertive upfront. If she says something like “there’s no harm in it,” I think you should be prepared to say “I am not asking you, I’m telling you. This will harm me and you may not discuss it with me.”

          Geez, I’m so mad right now.

        3. allathian*

          Yeah. You could always threaten to complain to the GMC or something. It’s certainly not in the best interests of good patient care to insist on giving you information about your weight that you know will harm you. I hope you can get an appointment with a more understanding doctor at some point.

          I’m obese myself, and I’ve had it with doctors who can’t see the person under all the fat. I’d like some medication for my strep throat, not a lecture on how I need to lose weight…

    6. pieforbreakfast*

      I’m a psych RN, I’m sorry you’re having the side effects. Weight and BMI are considered necessary for metabolic monitoring (and waist circumference which I HATE doing). I always tell clients “I need to get a weight, you don’t have to look and I won’t tell you any numbers”. Please mention to the RN you’re not interested in knowing, you can also decline to have it done (but please understand it is medically sound practice to do the monitoring).
      Our EMR (electronic med record) allows for alerts that pop up when the client’s record is opened, maybe ask the RN if their clinic has that and ask for what you want (no weight or diet talk for example). That won’t keep the Dr from discussing it though so you finding one that actually considers your opinions as valid would be ideal. That whole thing about seeing no harm in telling the weight due to history of high BMI is just gross.

    7. RagingADHD*

      When I’m in a headspace that I don’t want to know my weight, I just tell the person taking my vitals, “Please don’t tell me, I know it’s an issue but I don’t want to know the number.”

      Nothing is magically going to work for everyone in every situation, but I’ve never had anyone be a jerk about it when I say it directly.

    8. Esmeralda*

      I had a parallel problem when my son was on chemo and had to have MRIs where about halfway thru they stop and inject a dye, then resume the MRI. He would be so anxious that if they TALKED about what they were doing — standard procedure and I understand why but — he would vomit. Then they had to clean him without shifting him too much. A fuckin disaster. I would tell the nurses and the techs: do not talk about what you are actually doing, talk about your dog or your aunt millie or the concert you went to last week.
      You would not believe how hard it was to get them to stop.
      I finally made a bunch of signs on copy paper, writing in big letters with sharpie:
      Don’t talk about about the injection, NAME will vomit.
      I brought tape. Taped a sign to the inside and outside of the door. Taped a sign to the blanket on top of the kid. And reminded everyone before we started, and thanked everyone after we finished.

      So maybe, tell the nurses and literally hold up a sign.

      1. Generic Name*

        OMG. I think many health professionals are trained that telling the patient what they’re doing as they’re doing it is somehow comforting to the patient. I usually find the opposite. I don’t want to know each step of what my dentist is doing as I get a filling or get my blood drawn or whatever. I just want to zone out during the procedure and to be told when it’s over. I’ve had luck saying right at the beginning to not tell me what you’re doing, and most practitioners are able to respect that.

      2. OyHiOh*

        As a grown-ass adult, I have pretty good luck with “if I watch, I’ll faint” as shorthand for “don’t tell me what the fuck you’re doing, do it, chit chat about the weather, and tell me when we’re done.” It also tends to mean they hand me a bottle of water and suggest I sit in the waiting room for fifteen minutes before I try to drive anywhere.

        But I’m an adult. I cannot imagine how frustrating this would be for you and your child, knowing how he reacts, and not having his preferences respected!

    9. nep*

      When you say ‘if they could do this and not tell me the results,’ what exactly? Weighing you? Or other aspects as well?
      I once went to the doctor just for bloodwork and a general check, and I didn’t want to get on a scale. (ED background.) I told the nurse or PA that, and she just moved on.
      It’s quite a shame that the doctor will not go with your wishes on this, particularly given your history and sensitivity. It really should be your call.
      (I know this isn’t of any help–commiserating with you, anyway.)

    10. Faux Fur*

      I just say “I’m going to weigh backwards (so I won’t see it) and please don’t tell me my weight.” They are always very nice. I’ve done this for about 15 years and it has completely changed my attitude about going to the doctor.
      But wearing earplugs is a good idea just in case they won’t do it. I think I’ll wear earplugs to the doctor next time.

      1. RagingADHD*

        I mean, that seems counterproductive. There are a number of other things they need to ask you and tell you. If you’re gking to blank out everything the doctor tells you on the off chance they say simething you don’t like, there’s not much point going at all.

        I doubt any GP is going to prescribe meds or work with a patient who refuses to communicate at all. How can they?

    11. Anono-me*

      Do you have a someone who is not intimidated by doctors who could accompany you and rein in any bad behavior?

      As way too many people assume competence and authority levels purely on appearance and attire, it would be useful if your advocate looks, dressed, and sounds like the wonderful (and truly capable) Alex Trebek.

      It would also be helpful if you dressed in you best power interview outfit. If you have to do a full physical exam, have the doctor step out while you redress before the conference. (It is hard to feel empowered and equal to someone when they are in a suit with a white cost and you are in a flappy paper gown.)

      Taking notes on a note pad and pen also seemed to improve the focus and attention of doctors (and just about anyone. )

      Although it might be fun to see the doctor’s reaction to you installing earplugs if she starts going of in a direction you have told her is counterproductive.

        1. Anono-me*

          It would be fun to watch the doctor react to you a lowly patient wearing Dr. g_d garb.

          By the way, just to clarify, it isn’t that I
          doubt your ability to advocate for yourself that I suggested a second person. I suggested bringing a second person for two reasons. One: some doctors can not see patients as equally important participants in their own medical care and thus are 100% incapable of hearing a patient’s questions or disagreements. Two: some people are embarrassed into acting better if there is a witness .

          Also, I don’t dislike doctors. I dislike it when people choose to act mean and disrespectful and think that because they have an ‘important____’ that the bad behavior must be accepted.

    12. Dee*

      Basically I start by telling the nurse that I do not want to be weighed (which ideally is my preference). Then I briefly “negotiate” down from there to the nurse not saying the weight out loud. YMMV, I just do it this way to make it seem to the nurse (or maybe I’m kidding myself and it’s not perceived this way, idk) that I’m trying to work with them, plus I think it’s easier for me to be assertive this way, because it’s super clear from the beginning what my wishes are and that I only consent to being weighed if I don’t hear the number.

    1. CTT*

      The original NBC Sports ads are a beloved artifact in my family so I was a little skeptical that it could be improved upon, but I really loved it. So clever and wonderful. I’m glad more people are discovering it. The one downside is that I actually am a Premier League fan and I know that it’s not actually about sports and that’s not its appeal, but I can’t help from sometimes being like “excuse me, but the final game of the season is always played in the afternoon, not at night.”

    2. ThatGirl*

      We watched it a month or so ago and loved it.

      Here’s a fun fact: the actress who plays Rebecca was the nun yelling “shame!”in Game of Thrones

    3. Pharmgirl*

      I watched it at the end of last year and absolutely loved it! It was an unexpected but pleasant surprise. Definitely looking forward to future seasons!

  46. Decidedly Me*

    Vaccine curiosity question – if anyone knows or has experience:

    I hear a lot of cases of people getting the extra dose or other situations where someone may get a dose earlier for reasons of not wasting a dose. However, what happens when it comes to the second dose? The timing of two shots seems important, so if you get your first early, are you guaranteed to get your second on time or do you have to hope for another extra dose situation?

    1. Nicki Name*

      I’ve read about a couple instances locally where the report specifically noted that people who got the extra doses were guaranteed the second one on time. But I don’t know if that’s standard procedure or if it’s up to what the particular facility decides.

    2. D3*

      I asked my husband that same question earlier this week when we saw that story of the people getting vaccinated while stranded in the snow in Oregon.

      1. pancakes*

        I didn’t see your comment before leaving mine about this – it was discussed in the interview I watched.

    4. Keymaster of Gozer*

      It’s not a dyed in the wool ‘it must be exactly X days after first dose’ situation.

      Layman’s terms: the first dose mimics an initial infection and primes your immune system to respond. The second dose triggers the bit of your immune system that says ‘damn it, I need to write this response to long term memory’.

      There’s a lot we still don’t know about the immune system.

      So if you’ve had the first dose early, I’m guessing the clinic has some record of it and can advise you when you really need to get the second dose *by* and set up appointments? Not sure about that if I’m honest (we had massive issues yesterday when hundreds showed up to our distribution centre on the off chance that there would be spare doses. Not sure how any admin system can cope with that). Without knowing the system in a specific country I can’t guess.

      Short answer: I’d imagine the clinic issuing the first dose will tell the person how/when to get the second. But don’t worry about it being several days out of the recommended schedule.

      1. Disco Janet*

        This isn’t what I was told when I received the Pfizer vaccine. They were very clear about the fact that my second dose MUST occur 21 days after the first – they scheduled it immediately after I received the first dose and said that if I needed to reschedule it needed to be done ASAP but was not recommended.

        1. D3*

          I was told it had to be within 2 days of the 21 day mark. So if I got it on the first, the 21st day would be the 22, and I should have it between the 20-24.

        2. Canadian Camping Fan*

          There is some uncertainty as they don’t have a lot of research to show the effectiveness of waiting different lengths of time, although some places are waiting a lot longer (Quebec, and was it Isreal?) and it seems that waiting 40+ days isn’t good.

    5. pancakes*

      The Oregon healthcare workers who vaccinated fellow drivers stuck in a snowy traffic jam said they took everyone’s contact information to arrange the 2nd dose, and that they’ll all definitely get one. I’m assuming that happens in other last-minute scenarios as well.

    6. Filosofickle*

      A friend’s parent in the LA area got the first dose, but wasn’t given another appt. They were told have to get back on the phone and start over dialing into the lottery every day to get that 2nd appt. That’s such a bad plan.

    7. Natalie*

      In a lot of “extra dose in the pharmacy” stories they’ve specified that the person gets a card telling them how to schedule the second one. I imagine the details vary by person, but in general if you’ve gotten the first dose, even if it was just lucky circumstances, you’re now eligible to just schedule your second one.

    9. MissCoco*

      The extra doses situations seem to mostly be through official channels, I’m sure they get a vaccine card and in situations where it’s possible (hospitals, pharmacies) I’d hope they are leaving with an appointment for the second dose as well.

      That’s how my mass vaccination went, no one was leaving without a second appointment scheduled (barring a vaccine reaction, of course).

      Both the hospital systems I’m peripherally aware of have separate ordering systems for 2nd doses, and seem to have a bit more autonomy over that system than 1st doses.

    10. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      My understanding is that the 2nd appointment is made when you get the first dose, regardless of the circumstances of getting your first dose. If they vaccinate someone with the first dose and don’t do the second, they might as well have thrown away the first dose instead of giving it to whomever was available. I believe it’s 21 days for pfizer, and 30 days for moderna. They make the appropriate appointment depending on which one you get.

      1. Natalie*

        “If they vaccinate someone with the first dose and don’t do the second, they might as well have thrown away the first dose instead of giving it to whomever was available.”

        Well that’s not even remotely close to accurate. The first dose for either the Moderna or Pfizer vaccines provides a good bit of immunity (around 50-60%), it’s just that the second dose boosts that up to 90-95%. Nobody should be throwing it away rather than vaccinating *someone*.

    11. Xela*

      I got my first dose that way, and as soon as my first dose was entered into the system I got an email to schedule my second dose. The staff at the clinic also made sure I knew the correct dates (26-30 days after the first dose in my case). I think in most cases vaccinators are trying to schedule people for their second dose as soon as they receive their first so it doesn’t really matter if the first dose was “early”. What matters is now they’re eligible for a second dose.

    12. Taxachusetts*

      My second dose was scheduled right after I got my first. Don’t leave your appointment without scheduling

  47. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Lunar New Year thread – who else celebrates?
    I rented a house with Asian friends for years after college, and they made it a joy to be included. I’ve always been one to take any excuse for a celebration. When my daughter enrolled at a school that teaches Chinese from the first day, it brought back my love for this. We’ve been regulars at the school’s Lunar New Year festival, but this year there will not be one. So I’m trying my hand at reproducing what my old housemates taught me. I have supplies to make long noodles and dumplings, and I’m trying to work up the nerve to try cooking a whole fish. I even bought red envelopes to send to the tiny kids in the family. I’m trying to find a place to hang my red paper lantern.
    The other loss due tot he pandemic, there is no Lion Dance troop this year. I’m surprisingly sad about that, so I’m starting to look for anything online. Let me know if you hear of anything.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Is your daughter young enough for crafts? There are a lot of ideas/free templates for stuff like masks, dragon puppets, firework paintings, etc that my kids enjoy.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We’re never too old for crafts. :) Kid crafts, though, she’s outgrown. She’s just started high school, and has actually gone back to her old elementary school to help with some of the craft workshops when that was happening. She’s starting to try her hand at brush-painting and Chinese calligraphy, so I’m keeping my eye out for a serious online class for her for summer.

    2. Nacho*

      I don’t, but my company is headquartered in China, so it’s a big thing there. We all got luggage sent to us as presents (not sure why, we make headphones and speakers) and had a little presentation about it.

    3. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      look up traditional “hot pot” meals. also (much like the jewish holiday passover) it’s time to clean the house from top to bottom, change linens and wash curtains etc….

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Along with the cleaning, it’s time to pay all debts, that’s going to be important for me this year. I’m the person who wrote in a few (?) weeks ago about keeping a written record of allowance during pandemic with her teenager instead of giving a cash allowance — I’m going to clear the book for New Year. (Encourage her to put a portion in her bank account, but let her have the fun of feeling the cash in person first.)

    5. New Bee*

      Goldy Luck and the Three Pandas is a cute New Year picture book. You can probably find it read aloud on Youtube.

  48. Anon for this*

    One of my friends has been in a relationship with major red flags from the beginning (literally in the first two months.) She’s part of a larger friend group, and a few of us have talked to her at various times – I’ve been the most vocal about “that does not sound okay, are you okay with that?”

    Well, things blew up last week over something insanely minor (we are not a dramatic friend group; this is very out of the norm for us and it’s clearly entirely driven by the abusive partner.) From what happened, we’ve realized this is no longer a red-flag relationship but a full-on emotionally abusive relationship. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be on the chopping block soon, if I’m not out already.

    The rest of us have already talked about finding and setting our own boundaries and seeing if/how we can be supportive until/if we have to walk away for our own good. But any advice from those who have been there?

    Note: even if we remain in touch, what my friend really wants right now is validation that her relationship is happy and healthy and that nothing she says about it is disturbing at all. I can refrain from bringing up the relationship when we talk (which I’ve been doing lately), but I cannot pretend that what’s happening is okay or healthy. I’ve been trying really hard to keep commentary to “are you okay with that? That seems really not okay.” but my dislike of her partner’s behavior is pretty well validated over the number of times I’ve said something over the past two years of the relationship.

    1. Dark Macadamia*

      Captain Awkward has a lot of good scripts for this situation – search her site for “Darth Vader boyfriend.” She focuses a lot on validating your friend’s judgment and ability to make her own choices while still holding your own boundaries. What are you going to do about that, what do you think of that, you already know how I feel about that, etc.

      2. Filosofickle*

        Captain Awkward really helped me reframe conversations with my brother. He’s in a terrible relationship and it’s been terrible for many years. He wasn’t bringing it up a lot, because he knows how I feel and nothing is changing. Still, I felt like I was supposed to ask about it to make sure he knows I care. Reading CA made me realize I didn’t have to ask! We hardly ever talk about it now. When we talk, I sometimes learn absolutely nothing about how that part of his life is going. That feels a little weird but it’s better this way.

    2. fposte*

      At a point like that, you know she knows you don’t like him and is staying with him anyway. She might be with him for sixty years. What would you want to do if you knew that was the case?

      With one friend I just opted out of relationship discussions, for both of us, and focused on other things. It moved past the question of validation into the fact that there are all kinds of ways people might be happy that I don’t want to hear about, so we needed to find other things to connect over. For some people that won’t be enough—they really do need explicit validation of their relationship from their friends. But you can’t give that, so figure out what you can give (like validating her rather than the relationship) and stick to that.

      1. Anon for this*

        Ah, abusive partner is a woman, but yeah. I don’t think I’m going to last that long – friend brings up stuff in the relationship that triggers a wtf? reaction and then changes the story until she finds a non-objectionable version, which is not something I can tolerate in a friendship. And I think the process makes her go home to partner and talk about things, which obviously partner isn’t a fan of. I also can’t validate her relationship, but she talks about it a fair amount. I’m find with the friendship pausing or ending over this, but it’s still really difficult to watch happen.

        1. fposte*

          What would happen if you immediately said, “Friend, I’m not the audience for relationship discussions, so let’s move on to something else. How’s the job going?” I’m not suggesting she’ll like it—it may be a dealbreaker for her—but you don’t have to be the passive recipient of conversation you don’t want to endure, and this at least gives you the possibility of offering a way forward for the friendship.

          With my friend, she’d basically perseverate on her relationship with me, and not only did I not want to hear it I thought it probably wasn’t good for her either. The “talking about other stuff” policy worked for a few years, at least.

          1. Anon for this*

            Difficult because we talk about other relationships (we usually meet in a group) and a lot of the stuff isn’t necessarily analyzing the relationship – she’ll mention something offhandedly about her day-to-day and it’s our faces that give it away first. She definitely doesn’t tell us the worst about her relationship. I can/will offer it if we speak again, but she really does want validation that her relationship is perfect.

            There’s a strong chance I’m going to be asked to apologize to her partner as a result of the blow up (partner was not involved or spoken to/about) which I’m not willing to do. Partner is asking to be a lot more involved (inappropriately so) in our friendship group, so – I can offer less relationship talk, just don’t think that’s a boundary that will be possible to hold for very long (if nothing else, I’m not sure I can control my what the hell face very well.)

            1. WellRed*

              Even if her relationship was perfect you don’t owe her validation. She’s allowed to be blind or in denial and you’re allowed to feel how you feel. I can’t even fathom what it is she wants you to apologize to partner about.

              1. Anon for this*

                Partner shared a lot of personal details about my friend in a decidedly public venue. I reached out privately to say I thought it was cool that they were sharing, but wanted to make sure friend was okay with it, since friend is a very private person who had never shared any of these details publicly.

                Partner apparently has melted down over this grave offense. (Partner has a history of violating exactly these boundaries; my wording could have been softer but my question was very warranted.)

                1. Anon for this*

                  (the personal details shared publicly are also how I know friend isn’t sharing the worst about the relationship.)

                3. Anon for this*

                  Only to my friend – I don’t have a relationship with partner, beyond seeing her at social events.

    3. Still*

      Captain Awkward has some great advice about this topic, I’ll post links to a couple of similar letters in reply to this.

    4. Anon for this*

      I’m so sorry – this is awful. I watched a lovely friend get wrenched away by a controlling, possessive partner who picked fights over nothing with each of her friends and closest family members in turn in order to isolate her from her support network. If you can be straightforward and reiterate things without making her defensive (“you can always come crash with me if you need a safe place to stay on short notice”), hopefully that will stick. This sort of thing is subtle and hard to see from the inside, but horrible from the outside.

      1. Anon for this*

        Yeah, previously we’ve been able to kinda point out that things aren’t okay, but that is no longer acceptable – I think any mention of “you can always come stay with me” will be taken as an attack and reported back to partner. I’m hoping to be able to say it gently, but it would probably be friendship ending so waiting until the end is here, essentially.

        Just really hard to watch happen.

  49. llamaswithouthats*

    Has anyone been seriously reconsidering their friendships lately under lockdown?

    I recently had to admit to myself that I don’t really like one of my friends. I actually think I complained about her here once. I listed all of her annoying habits but still concluded with “yah but she is nice otherwise”.

    But now I realize that I was mostly hanging out with her mostly out of habit and living my life on autopilot, which I have a tendency to do. She is actually kind of mean, judgmental, and takes her insecurities out on people, including me. I don’t know how I’m going to navigate this once lockdown ends, but it’s possible the situation will solve itself out since she is planning on moving out of the city at some point.

    1. Keymaster of Gozer*

      Oh my yes. There’s a lot of people I’ve removed on Facebook et al and am seriously considering never dealing with again after this. Some were close friends who just fell into Covid-denial and I couldn’t deal with it.

      Best solution for me was to just quietly be less available to their rants. Texts took days to reply to, then weeks, then just weren’t. Didn’t want to subject anyone to a ‘list of reasons why you suck’ email which I’ll admit was my first idea. It’s not a crime to steadily make yourself less available to someone.

    2. Yellow Warbler*

      Yes, one set of friends is refusing to stop socializing. I just turned down yet another invite to a surprise birthday party for today. It’s really sad to see people I thought were decent and kind act so dismissive of public health.

    4. lapgiraffe*

      I wrote about this in a thread above but more to this point, yes yes emphatically yes. And I think as we ease out of this in the years to come I hope I can maintain some of my life changes that I like, including more firm boundaries on who I let into my life and how much. Before the pandemic I really struggled with feeling too booked up with seeing friends on a regular basis and not feeling like I could say no, especially because I’m single with kids so there’s extra assumption that my life is free for the taking.

      For starters, I’m cultivating a new “I play tennis all the time” personality to be able to sidestep a lot of requests to hang out, a white lie to avoid having to hard breakup with anyone and instead continue the slow fade that this last year forced on us.

      I wonder if it’s also an age thing with me, I guess many people get married and start families by now (I’m 36) and have a built in slow fade mechanism. We’ve always “blamed” it on life changing with kids, but maybe it’s just that life changes as we age and our social lives naturally need to compress a bit.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        Omg – coming up with a hobby to blame it on is a genius idea. I actually got back into my dance hobby lately via virtual classes and do plan on joining a studio in person once things open back up again. I think I will just exaggerate how much time I spend on it to get out of hangouts with certain people.

    5. Sleepless*

      I read Captain Awkward’s article about this with great interest, because I think many of us are going to start our social lives over with a clean slate. I’ve already thought of people I’m just going to let fade away, and people I’m going to reach out to for the first time in quite awhile.

    6. Firebird*

      I’m dreading when I go back to my peer-led support group. We are currently split into two groups, one half meets online and the other half never stopped meeting in person. The in-person half is very vocal about their beliefs and expect the rest of us to listen quietly. Being considerate seems to be a one way street.

      1. allathian*

        Is there any chance you could split permanently? It doesn’t sound like you get any support from them.

        1. Firebird*

          I do get support from most of them. If they would avoid politics and Covid-19 issues, things would be fine. We aren’t supposed to talk about politics or religion but they bring it up anyway. It can be a tough rule to enforce, because it depends on whose turn it is to run the meeting.

  50. PhyllisB*

    To all the British readers out there; I’m reading a British mystery; The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman in case you’re interested. Anyway, there were some terms in there I don’t understand. How much is a stone? There was mention of a character being over-weight by two stone?? What is Lidl rice? (there were others, but I can kind of guess at them.) And while I’m on the subject, what do you consider a jumper? (this wasn’t in the book, just wondering.) In US, when we mention jumpers, we are talking about sleeveless dresses meant to be worn over a shirt or blouse.
    I love books set in Britain, Ireland, ect. but if they’re going to publish in the US, it would really be helpful if they put a list of terms in the back for us ignorant Americans!! :-)

    1. Prawns in the curtain rail*

      A stone is a measurement of weight. One stone = 14 pounds. Lidl is a German discount supermarket chain which has outlets in the UK. (Aldi is the Italian version, I think.) Jumper = sweater, a knitted garment for the upper half of the body.

      2. Myrin*

        (Pssst, Aldi is also German.)
        I’ve also always found it interesting that a jumper is called “Pullover” in German but that I rarely encounter that word in English although I’m fairly sure it does exist? What does a British person picture when they hear “pullover”?

        1. Dark Macadamia*

          Not sure about British, but in American English a pullover would be a top that you put on like a shirt rather than having a closure on the front. So you could have a zippered sweatshirt/hoodie or a pullover one. A sweater with buttons on the front would be a cardigan but a pullover sweater is one that you just… pull over… your head to put it on :)

        2. PX*

          I feel like pullover is “old” English in the sense that I heard it used when I was young and maybe read it in book that were written in the 60s but I don’t hear it now.

        3. RagingADHD*

          Pullover is commonly used in my area to distinguish a plain classic “jumper” from other types of sweater or fleece, like a cardigan, a hoodie, etc.

    2. SG*

      Google is your friend! No need for a list of terms when we have Google. For words that have American English counterparts, just add “UK” or “British English” to the search term (i.e. “British English jumper”).

      1. WellRed*

        It’s more fun to try and figure it out or remain blithely ignorant. I have so far resisted the urge to google orange squash. Juice? Soda? British kool aid?

        3. RagingADHD*

          I was inder the impression that a “squash” drink is what we in the US would call an -ade: lemonade, orangeade, etc.

            1. Marillenbaum*

              American lemonade isn’t fizzy–it’s lemon juice, sugar, water. I ran into this problem with my sister’s British in-laws, because from what I understand, UK lemonade is a fizzy drink.

              1. allathian*

                Yeah, UK lemonade is fizzy lemon squash. Orangeade is the orange version.

                Although I write in American English online, I first learned British English, mainly during the year I spent in the UK as a kid. I loved the Peanuts comic, and always wondered how people made fizzy lemonade at home in the days before SodaStream. So this was a true d’oh moment for me!

          2. Another British poster*

            Squash is a bit different from “ade” drinks in that squash is always non-carbonated, and lemonade and orangade are fizzy (at least, in the UK lemonade is pretty much always fizzy).

            I’m not sure America has anything comparable to squash. Squash is just ultra concentrated sugary fruit cordial. I guess it’s sort of like Kool Aid except liquid, not powder.

    3. Another British poster*

      Lidl is a cheap British supermarket chain, saying “Lidl rice” implies the person didn’t have much money or chose to shop at a budget supermarket for some reason. I mean plenty of middle class people shop at Lidl at least sometimes for bargains, but it’s not a posh or upmarket place to shop. I guess it’s like shopping at WalMart vs shopping at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods.

      I’m always surprised Americans don’t use stone since stone is part of the Imperial system which is what America used. Basically inches=pounds feet=stone. Not using stone is the equivalent of saying you’re 70 inches tall, rather than 5 feet 10 inches.

      Britain officially uses the Metric system so technically we should’ve be using stone and pounds at all, but in practice we use a weird mish mash of Imperial and Metric. It’s a shibboleth.

      Jumpers are sweaters. Pullover is another word for jumper/sweater, all three mean exactly the same thing, but pullover is a little old fashioned. Pullover is the kind of word my dad would have used.

    4. PhyllisB*

      Thanks for all the replies!! I knew I could google, but thought I would get more interesting answers asking all of you, and I did!!
      If any of y’all get puzzled by American Southerisms, I’m your girl!!

    5. Faux Fur*

      You can google those words and terms.
      And why should British books put a list of the meanings of British terms for American readers? Do American books put a list of American terms for British readers?

      1. Myrin*

        That seems a little uncharitable – people post plenty of stuff on here that they could technically google but if you’re looking for a conversation and an exchange of personal impressions, it can be very productive to instead post to a forum you are active on. You will also often get nuances that you wouldn’t find if you simply plopped something into Google (for example, I already got three different answers to my “pullover” question above, all having to do with regional or generational differences which are fun to discuss).

        I also think Phyllis was more talking about American publishers putting annotations in British books, not British publishers doing so on the off-chance that a book will make it across the pond (which is indeed something I have encountered in the past, both British -> American and Austrian -> German, so it’s not like this is a terribly unusual concept).

    6. HBJ*

      All of these things can be easily googled.

      I’m not British but have learned these from having acquaintances from there as well as NZ and Aus.

      A stone is 14 pounds. Lidl is a brand. A jumper is a sweater. (Not exclusive to other places – our Little House books referred to knitting a jumper for a man.)

  51. Yellow Warbler*

    Recs for a heated cat bed?

    (Name and store is fine, if you don’t want to get links hung up in mod.)

    Prefer something really small, since it’s for my 6-pound tuxie, and it would help if her 20-pound brother doesn’t fit.

    She quit her regular plush bed, stole my Jansport off a table, and dragged it over top of a floor vent. Attempts to retrieve it for its intended purpose do not go well.

    1. MissCoco*

      Backpack + a heating pad in it or under it?

      I don’t have cats, so I’m not much help, but that sounds extremely cute, if frustrating to no longer own your backpack.

    2. A313*

      I have bought the heating pad and bed separately. If you do a combo, make sure it’s machine washable (zipper off the cover). I’ve had good luck with the K&H Pet Products pads, that I then place on a kitty bed and cover with a folded blanket to control how much heat reaches the top layer. Don’t be surprised if the 20lb brother still manages to “fit” himself into it!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Yeah, it’s a lot easier for cleaning purposes to get a separate heating pad with a machine washable cover. And that frees you up to look at any sort of bed, too.

      2. Cruciatus*

        I looked up what I have and it’s also a K&H heated thermo kitty mat. I bought it on Amazon 5 years ago and my cat is sleeping on it right now–we’ve had below freezing temps for a a week or so and this is where I can always find her. It’s held up well over 5 years. I can just toss the cover in the wash.

        I also have a K&H thermo kitty cat bed which is round and has sides. My previous cats loved this–loved to curl up in it, but neither of my current cats are in to curling up in things and both of them prefer the mat over the bed with sides. There are 2 different size for the cat bed, but apparently not the mat (at least on Amazon). The cover can also be tossed into the wash, but it always takes some thought on how to reassemble it later!

        While searching for these things, I also saw that you can just buy the K&H heating element so you could put it in the cat bed of your choice if it helps keep the other cat out of it.

      3. ronda*

        my doberman managed to fit herself in the cat bed (well mostly)
        The cat was often stretched out on the dog’s bed :)

        1. Lizzie*

          A sheepskin in a cardboard box is pretty snuggly! Cats really seem to like the wool, especially if it is thick and they can really knead it. One of my cats would hold his face a millimetre above the wool with a dreamy expression while he kneaded, another cat would suck at the wool while going to sleep. I just aired the sheepskins out from time to time. Over the years I had a couple of (washable) baby sheepskins (for human babies’ cots, prams etc) but the cats liked the long furred ones the best.

          1. Lizzie*

            Now that I have said that, I realise the picture of Sophie at the top of the page is the very thing I am talking about!

    3. ShinyPenny*

      A friend set up an old laptop just for her cat to lay on.
      The cat was serious that WFH was secondary to having a nice warm keyboard bed available at all times.
      So far the compromise is working.

  52. Girasol*

    When life gets back to normal, when enough of us have had our vaccine and they can be fairly sure that those vaccinated won’t spread covid, what are you most looking forward to doing? The things I miss most are silly and simple: I want to browse second hand stores. After a hot bike ride, I want to drop by the fruit stand for a soda and an ice cream bar and pick up a bag of fruit. And I look forward to walking my kayak down to the lakeside without having to dodge people like I’m bouncing off six foot force fields. How about you?

    1. OyHiOh*

      I want to spend weekend mornings in a coffee shop with a cappuccino in a ceramic mug, writing. The coffee shops here are open for take out/walk up service and most have outdoor seating which, despite the month, can be pleasant some days (banana belt, woooo!!!) but cappuccino in a paper to go cup never fails to disappoint.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I miss coffee shops so much. I play ambient coffee shop noises on YouTube sometimes because that’s how much I miss it.

        1. OyHiOh*

          I use the Forest productivity app on my phone and spent the first bunch of points I earned on the ambient coffee shop soundtrack. Also have several ambient cafe YouTube tracks. Espresso machine noises plus a babble of voice is unspeakably lovely.

          In other news, all the cabin fever!

      3. Canadian Camping Fan*

        In warmer weather I had my tea at a table outside, and brought my own cup. I poured it out of the to-go and enjoyed it properly.

    2. MissCoco*

      Going through the grocery store in whatever order I please.
      Going out for dinner, and sitting in the restaurant, and ordering drinks.

      In person classes, and sitting less than 6 feet away from my classmates.

      Doing the awkward midwestern “make eye contact, smile and nod” with strangers.

    5. Llama face!*

      I miss a lot of things but nothing huge or dramatic- just ordinary life. Doing all my basic errands and such without feeling like I’m making a time-limited supply run to a zombie infested town. Sitting in a coffee shop and sipping a latte while reading. Going for lunch to my favourite restaurant and chatting as usual with the familiar server who I have seen for years but don’t actually know her name (I really miss familiar neighbourhood strangers interactions). Hugging my high risk friend. Seeing my family face-to-face and not on a screen. Making any plans for the future. Clothes shopping. Going to in-person church meetings.

      1. Karina Lutze*

        Omg, so much looking forward to running errands without feeling like I’m on a supply run in the zombie apocalypse :)

    6. Can't Sit Still*

      I’m getting a tattoo! I originally booked it for April, (this particular artist is typically booked a year in advance) but I suspect it won’t happen until late fall at the earliest, unless vaccination rates really pick up.

      Hang out in coffee shops. Go to the mall and browse. Go out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Finally make that trip to Disneyland that was planned for June 2019, cancelled due to a death in the family, rescheduled for April 2020, and now I just hope I can use the cash value of the tickets I bought in 2019.

    7. oranges & lemons*

      I really look forward to not having to care about daily case counts, or worry about what my friends and family are getting up to (or nag them not to do unsafe things). I’m the kind of works-at-home, loves-to-be-alone person who could put up with the lockdown requirements for a lot longer than the constant anxiety.

    9. Esmeralda*

      Go to music festivals
      Go see my elderly parents on the other side of the country
      Pick up a basket of strawberries at the store and sniff them
      Give my students a hug when they need one

    10. BlueWolf*

      I miss going to the movies. My fiancé and I had AMC A-List, so we would go to the movies all the time. Our favorite ritual on a Sunday was to get an early lunch then see a movie after. Some theaters have opened near us, but we just don’t feel comfortable going back yet.

      1. Nessun*

        This. I don’t always go to cinemas with people, but just the idea of sitting in a dark room, full stereo, amazing things going on on screen, while a bunch of individuals I don’t know share in the story…I love it. And yeah, the occasional yell or odd comment can make it even better (horror movies in a crowded theater in opening night are always a blast…or were).

    12. nep*

      The social (non-social) aspects of this time period suit me very well. I haven’t eaten in a restaurant in years, I don’t go to bars, I work out in my garage gym. I love my solitude and basically can’t get enough.
      I have gone back to browsing the thrift stores. I will be very glad to do that sans mask and sans worrying about getting the virus. Also meeting a friend or my sister for coffee once in a while–that will be nice.
      The most awful thing has been not hanging with my grand-niece; I went from being with her every weekday for years to barely seeing her. I want to play with her and hang out with her, hug her as I please, and not worry about spreading the virus.

    13. Humble Schoolmarm*

      Choir! I miss it more than anything. Live theatre is a close 2nd. I was supposed to fly to see Hamilton on March 17th 2020 and…well…

      1. OyHiOh*

        I want to be in a play (community theater nerd), see my dance friends perform, audition for chorale in Big City thirty minutes away.

        I had an opportunity to participate in a virtual sing along to exerpts from Handel’s Messiah over the winter holidays. It was so close to singing for real with a big group of people (organizer provided the music and a professional recording to sing with, no virtual participant could hear any other participant) that I realized just how much I miss singing in a choir.

    14. AdAgencyChick*

      I so badly miss live musical performances. This is the first time in like 10 years that I haven’t had a NY Philharmonic subscription. I’ll be the first one back in the concert halls when the time comes.

    15. aubrey*

      Browsing bookstores and libraries. Yoga classes. Going for walks without being super conscious of how far people are from me. Just popping over to the grocery store when I realize I want something, instead of having to plan it all out for a once a week trip, or needing to weigh if it’s really worth the risk and stress of making an extra trip.

    16. Not Australian*

      I want a proper ‘carvery’ meal, with the guy slicing the beef off the joint in front of me, three Yorkshire puddings and a lot of horseradish sauce. I also want to get back to regular Tuesday mornings drinking tea and chatting with my best friend. And I would like to be able to plan a walk, a holiday, or a trip to see my grandchildren without having to add ‘maybe, if we’re allowed to, if the regulations have eased by then’.

      [Oh and, since my favourite coffee place is 65 miles from here, I also want A Really Good Cup Of Coffee!]

    17. MinotJ*

      Eating in public. My town’s outdoor farmers’ market was open last summer with social distancing, so it alllllmost felt normal. But the first time I went, I got so excited and bought a hazelnut sticky bun at the best bakery stand. I sat down in the shade off to the side, took off my mask, and dug in. So sweet, so yeasty, so sticky! Of course I started licking my fingers. Yeah. I had this moment of wtf am I doing?! I am in public, surrounded by disease-carrying humans who also see me as a disease-carrying human and I am licking my fingers.

    18. Goose*

      I miss casual dating! I’ve been single for a while and I’ve joked to friends that I know things are safe when I feel comfortable “making out with a rando” and it’s not to far from the truth haha

    19. Mimmy*

      I’ve actually gotten used to being in the house most of the time and living life on Zoom, lol, so I’m actually a little skittish about being back out in the world again. But I do miss eating out and going to shows with my husband. We had several shows last year that got canceled. I don’t see ourselves going to live shows anytime soon (at least not this year) but I look forward to when we do.

      I’m also looking forward to:
      -In-person conferences
      -Meeting up with fellow classmates
      -Family get-togethers

    20. The Other Dawn*

      Just being able to run my errands and such without a mask or following the arrows in the store. I’m also looking forward to when restaurants go back to their full menus.

    21. KR*

      I want to get my nails done. I want to walk around the mall slowly, trying on multiple articles of clothing and feeling them all and not fretting when someone is standing close to me. I want to go to a restaurant and dig into a yummy plate. I want to go out dancing

    22. Sparkly Librarian*

      dim sum / Korean bbq / potlucks / other communal dining
      library storytime
      winter folk music camp
      thrift store browsing
      shopping at Trader Joe’s
      playgrounds and indoor gymnastics with my toddler

    23. Nicki Name*

      Riding public transit! I might just get on the light rail and ride to the other end of the line and back for no reason. I don’t drive (health reasons, long story) so my range right now is limited to how far I can bike.

      The other big one is doing some gaming at my friendly local game store. Now that my entire industry is working from home for the long term, not having to commute means I have so much more time available.

    24. I take tea*

      Dancing! Proper dancing, not the “far apart outdoors” that I’ve been lucky enough to be able to participate in now and then.

    25. not always right*

      Mine is to be able to leave early for church on Sundays, stop at McDonald’s or Wendy’s for a chicken biscuit, actually eat it in the dining area while people watching or reading my Kindle. I really, really miss that quiet alone time before church. Now, I go through the drive through, park my car and eat it in my car. It’s just not the same. Sigh.

    26. Zooey*

      It’s something I’ve never done before but I desperately want to be able to sit inside with a group of friends and have them meet my baby (due end of March).

    27. londonedit*

      Going to the pub. Going to parkrun on a Saturday morning, running with friends, then wandering to a cafe for coffee and cake or maybe brunch. Just doing anything spontaneous, really – even when lockdown measures were eased here last summer, you could only go to a pub/cafe/restaurant with five other people, and most of the time you had to book. I really miss the ‘Anyone fancy popping out for a drink?’ sort of socialising – not having to limit who you’re seeing or where you’re going or what time. I also miss wandering aimlessly around the shops at the weekend.

  53. Anon for this*

    Difficult because we talk about other relationships (we usually meet in a group) and a lot of the stuff isn’t necessarily analyzing the relationship – she’ll mention something offhandedly about her day-to-day and it’s our faces that give it away first. She definitely doesn’t tell us the worst about her relationship. I can/will offer it if we speak again, but she really does want validation that her relationship is perfect.

    There’s a strong chance I’m going to be asked to apologize to her partner as a result of the blow up (partner was not involved or spoken to/about) which I’m not willing to do. Partner is asking to be a lot more involved (inappropriately so) in our friendship group, so – I can offer less relationship talk, just don’t think that’s a boundary that will be possible to hold (on either side, sometimes she just says things that are out of the blue not okay.)

  54. Tuesday*

    Oh my gosh, today’s cat picture is so overwhelmingly cute, I don’t think I can take it! Even if I don’t have time to stay for the comments on the weekend thread, stopping by for the pictures is always worth it.

  55. Petirrojo*

    I’ve been having a lot of issues with some (formerly) very, very close friends, and have been so emotionally affected that I decided to try therapy for the first time. Unfortunately it hasn’t been going well. The therapist I tried essentially waved off my emotions by telling me that people are just selfish and friends made post-college come and go, and I should just focus on building my (relatively new and very happy!) marriage. I didn’t know how to react. Because I have so little experience with therapy, I have no idea how to come to the next meeting or to the next therapist with a clearer goal or a more effective way to broach my problem, which is essentially: “how do I deal with feeling like some of the people I trusted most have completely deserted me.”

    Has anyone gone to therapy specifically for issues related to their friendships? Do you have any advice on how to bring up this topic up in therapy? It just seems so much less common than going to therapy for issues related to romantic relationships, but I don’t consider my friendships less important than my romantic relationship…

    1. Dwight Schrute*

      I have! But for different reasons related to close friends. It took a few tries to find a good fit to be honest but I love my current therapist. I just brought it up as it was causing me anxiety so I talked about it in those terms

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Or you could say you are grieving the loss of these friendships and need help through the sorrow. Grief isn’t just for funerals, it’s for many kinds of losses. I assume this also ticks you off that they fled and anger is a part of grief, so processing anger can be a talking point. There is also a component of, “How did I miss this before? I did not realize these people could behave this way?” Learning to pick people is a whole topic.

    2. MissCoco*

      I have had the experience of coming to therapy with a clear, well articulated goal (which yours is) and the therapist responding with bafflement and dismissing my goal. It was frustrating, and left me feeling really invalidated.

      Though I’ve never entered therapy explicitly to work on issues related to friendships, I’ve been in therapy during periods where my sessions have centered on friendships for long periods of time (like multiple years).

      Based on your post, I don’t get the sense you are bringing up your needs wrong. In my experiences, I brought up friendships in sessions, and my therapists responded by working with me on the issues I brought to them. Maybe a therapist with a more client-directed mode of practice would be a better fit for you?

    3. Washi*

      I have! The first time I did therapy, it was for anxiety, then I took a break (mainly because I was meh about that therapist and felt like I’d done all I could do with her) and then when I went back, I focused almost exlusively on some issues with my best friend that had cropped up in conjunction with the anxiety, and didn’t go away once I’d dealt with the anxiety.

      It was actually really hard to bring up and I felt embarrassed about what an impact the rift in my relationship with my friend was having on me. Friendships are often supposed to be light and easy and significantly less important than your marriage. My husband is the most important person to me, but my best friend is also a life partner in a way, but there is no real cultural context to describe that. In pop culture, you usually only see that kind of friendship when neither is married.

      I could tell it was a little unusual for my therapist, but he was really great and nonjudgmental and took it as seriously as I did. My best friend and I are in a much better place and I partly credit it to having somewhere to sort out all my thoughts. I was pretty up front about what I wanted to work on (basically to better understand where things went wrong and figure out what to do next) and didn’t get any pushback, so I’m sorry you had a negative experience. I don’t think it takes a particularly extraodinary therapist to talk about friend stuff, so I bet you can find someone!

      1. Reba*

        Possibly of interest, the book “big friendship” by Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow talks at length about the lack of recognition of non romantic friendships as key life relationships, and also how they went to couples therapy.

    5. Patty Mayonnaise*

      I have gone to therapy for friendship issues. Long story short, I had a friend-breakup in high school that caused major trust issues in my college friendships. The first therapist I saw did the same hand-wavy “let’s just focus on other things and what’s happening now” thing which was really frustrating and invalidating. The next therapist was a lot more open and even just someone taking me seriously helped a lot! It’s challenging to keep looking but I’m sure you will find a good fit. I also loved the book Big Friendship and the podcast Call Your Girlfriend – both are extremely validating for people who want and value deep, long-lasting friendships with others (even when it’s not easy).

    6. Roci*

      I exclusively discuss friends and family relationships with my therapist, I don’t think I’ve ever discussed a relationship issue in-depth. My therapist has never questioned why I want to discuss something or dismissed it, clearly if it’s important to me we should talk about it, that’s what I pay them for. I think you need a different therapist, I don’t know how you’re supposed to feel safe being vulnerable with someone who dismisses your concerns.

  56. Keener*

    Instant pot recipe recommendations please. I am looking for websites/blogs focused on pressure cooker recipes. If you also love Smitten Kitchen and have a go to site for your pressure cooker I’d love to hear about it.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Ifoodreal dot com has good IP recipes – I especially like her chicken and rice and deconstructed cabbage rolls. Also Milk Street (of America’s Test Kitchen fame) has an IP cookbook called Fast and Slow.

    4. AdAgencyChick*

      In case you feel like investing in a book, Instant Pot Bible has been awesome. So many recipes that I looked at thinking, “how can this possibly work?” have been great.

      I also like the Nom Nom Paleo website, which has adapted a lot of their signature recipes for Instant Pot. Very tasty even if you don’t eat Paleo (and you can easily substitute back the regular non-Paleo ingredients like soy sauce for coconut aminos).

    6. 00ff00Claire*

      I have only just learned of this site, so I haven’t tried a recipe yet, but try Pressure Cook Recipe is aroused to be very good (that is the name of the site, Cook, not Cooker) . Each recipe also has an explanation for how it is tailored to the instant pot.

    7. Cards fan*

      Amy and Jacky. Their pressurecookrecipes.com has lots of recipes I like. Their Instant Pot New York Cheesecake #17 is particularly good.

  57. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Any ideas or recommendations for indoor activity that’s baby friendly? I want to take the baby out and show her the world lol. All I can think of is going to an indoor mall but I’m not comfortable at the crowds just yet nor am I comfortable taking her out in freezing cold temps.

    1. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      Can you go to an art museum or something like that? They should be limiting the numbers of people allowed in.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I can look in to that, museums aren’t the first thing that comes to mind when I think baby-friendly but I could be wrong!

      2. MissCoco*

        Seconding art museum, bonus points if it’s not nationally or regionally famous.
        Extra bonus points if it’s university affiliated, (they always tend to be nearly empty whenever I visit)

        Natural history, other types of history or cultural museums would be good as well. Especially now that school trips are cancelled, I’d guess many are practically empty during weekdays or off-peak hours

        Botanical gardens, if available, are always nice in the bleak midwinter.

        1. Ali + Nino*

          +1 re botanical gardens! There’s a huge greenhouse in my city I went to a few years ago and totally forgot about…it was HOT inside to support certain plants and very high ceilings if that makes a difference with air circulation. I think it would be easier with a baby versus a toddler (as mine would find it irresistible to run around grabbing plants and rolling in the dirt).

    2. Natalie*

      She should be fine outside, as long as she’s dressed properly? You might look for a bunting suit, those are like footie pajamas but with the hands covered and a hood.

      Babies really like to watch other children play, so taking her to a park or sledding hill to observe.

      My favorite trick is to check her ears to evaluate her temperature – their hands and feet often feel colder than the baby is, since their circulation isn’t great. If her ears feel comfortably warm, she’s probably comfortable.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Those plastic canopy-type windscreens that are open at the bottom are really helpful if the wind is bitter. They were very common in the city when we lived there, and we used one for our first baby. Snug as a bug.

        1. Natalie*

          Yes, we have one of those on our fancy jogging stroller, which for us is basically a snow stroller. It’s practically a terrarium in there if we go on a long walk.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Anything going on at your library branch? In normal times, laptime storytimes were always a great way to get out of the house. They probably aren’t doing that right now, but they may have some lists of stuff in the community.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      An aquarium would be good, or even just a pet store!

      Do you baby-wear? Winter is a good time to try it if you’re worried about the cold, since the baby is close to you and sharing your body heat. In non-Covid times you can often find a local carrier “library” to borrow and try different carriers.

      1. RagingADHD*

        For me, babywearing was easiest for public transit but stroller was easiest when going by car. Just because of the carseat transfer, and the fact that many carriers require a bit of manouvering that’s easier with a bed or sofa nearby (at least until you’re used to them or the baby can cooperate).

    5. Analyst Editor*

      You’d be surprised how deserted the malls are, especially if you’re going during the weekday in the daytime.
      But I agree with Natalie – take her outside! You can buy every kind of thing: large coats to go over you and an Ergo-baby; car seat-shaped and stroller-shaped fleece covers; big poofy outer “jackets” to go over the clothes…. You can probably google something like “how to go outside with baby in cold weather” and find half a dozen mom blogs with advice.
      Old wives’ tales say it makes them sleep better, too.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes I could have Googled that easily if that was my question but my question wasn’t how to take baby out in te winter, it was suggestions for indoor activities in a COVID world, i was trying to be specific……

        1. Anon Lawyer*

          Honestly I wouldn’t (and haven’t been with my 14-month-old). It does suck and I know she would even enjoy Target right now. I feel bad she’s missing it. But between the winter spikes, the new variants, and the fact that she can’t wear a mask yet, I’m holding off and we’re spending as much time as possible outdoors. I do think a quiet mall before most stores are open would probably be your best bet though.

        2. Natalie*

          You said you wanted to take the baby out and show her the world, something that includes a lot of outside, and the only barrier to going outside you mentioned was weather. Hence, suggestions for taking a baby out in cold weather.

        4. fhqwhgads*

          If you’re in the US, any indoor activity for humans that is not inside your own home, such that you might be indoors with other unknown humans for more than twenty minutes, is a risk for COVID. It may be a risk you’re willing to take, but there basically aren’t any public indoor activities right now, baby-friendly or not, that don’t increase the risk of infection. The outdoor-bundled-up suggestions you got are lower risk than anything indoors.

  58. Therapy Questions*

    When you’re going for a first appointment with a therapist, I know you’re supposed to ask consultation type questions to figure out if the therapist is good, but what sort of questions should I be asking? I can’t really seem to find good examples of the kinds of questions that are helpful to ask.

    1. Green Snickers*

      It’s important to align on expectations for both you and the therapist.
      I find it’s often easier to explain what you’re looking for and your expectations and see if the the therapist can mesh with that. Sure you can ask about their style or type of therapy they do but honestly, I don’t find that tells me much about how our relationship will be. If you’ve had a particular problem with a therapist in the past, it’s OK to bring that up as an example of what doesn’t work for you.

      Think long and hard about what you’re exploring therapy for and what you’re really hoping to get from it.

    2. detaill--orieted*

      You could read up on different approaches, and ask which ones the therapist uses. (If they’re devout cognitive-behavioral and you are more into the past and feelings, maybe not.) (I tried someone once who was into EMDR, which was a deal-killer for me.)

      You could ask what they think are their strengths — if they’ve had lots of success with older couples and you’re young and single, maybe not. Are they experienced with things that may matter to you — GLBTQ clients, PTSD, eating disorders, whatever.

      But, really, I think the first (and second and third) appointments are about figuring out whether there’s the comfort level and the chemistry to make a good match. That’s the point, the content is secondary.

      1. PTSD and then some*

        I super hated EMDR. Took me three appointments until I realized it was ruining my life. She made me feel like I wasn’t “trying hard enough” I am nauseated just remembering the experience.

    3. WS*

      It’s different for everyone! Ask about any demographic differences you have from the therapist – are they comfortable dealing with racial/LGBT+/age/sex/disability differences? I have found a lot of therapists who are superficially comfortable with providing therapy to a lesbian but still have very heteronormative ideas about relationships, for example. Talk about what your current problem is and what you would like to do about it. Ideally, you’ll bring this up and the therapist will take you through some ideas about how to work on it, and you can see if they’re listening to you, and if you like their ideas. You may feel uncomfortable or upset (totally normal) but that should be because of the difficult topics you’re thinking/talking about, not because of the therapist’s response being dismissive or useless. “Wrung-out but relieved” is an appropriate end-of-session feeling.

      In my experience, really mismatched therapists are obvious from the start, but that doesn’t mean that a better-matched therapist will necessarily work with you in a useful way – that takes a little longer to assess.

  59. Looking for noise cancelling (and/or noise isolating) bluetooth earbuds NOT true wireless*

    These days it’s hard to search for reviews of bluetooth earbuds without coming up with reviews of true wireless, which is not what I’m looking for. I want bluetooth earbuds that are wired (to each other). There are tons out there, but it’s hard to search out the best ones, and to find ones with high quality active noise cancellation that are not true wireless.
    My main goal is noise isolating; I would love to find ones with good active noise cancellation too. I have some Isotunes brand earbuds which I liked, but they broke (one ear stopped working), and I never loved them. I would rather find something higher quality, and would love to find ones with good active noise cancellation. (Isotunes are only noise-isolating, but they are good at that!)
    I’m willing to spend money on ones that are well-made and durable/long-lasting. Sound quality is somewhat important, but noise-isolation and noise cancellation are more important. And again, they must be bluetooth but NOT true wireless. Thank you for any suggestions!

    1. fposte*

      I am no help, but can I ask you an earbud question in return? How do you try on earbuds for ear fit? I’ve had trouble with them in the past and I doubt that you can just spelunk in your ear and then return the thing. And I don’t know exactly where my ear shape goes wrong, so I can’t even look specifically for deep ears or narrow ears or whatever.

      1. Still*

        As far as I can tell, you… don’t. You can’t return earphones once you’ve opened them. Which is why I was really nervous before buying my earphones last year, I was afraid that I’d end up with a pair that hurts my ears and no way to return them. A good thing is that most earphones seem to come with several rubber attachments in different sizes so I was able to find a pair that fit, but other than that it seems down to luck? Which is a bummer. There should really be some kind of a system in place!

      2. Looking for noise cancelling (and/or noise isolating) bluetooth earbuds NOT true wireless*

        Hi fposte – Not sure if you’ll see this, but I have tried earbuds and returned them! I bought some pricey true wireless earbuds, and they would NOT stay in one of my ears, which obviously was untenable. I made a point of purchasing them somewhere where I could return them for any reason within a certain time period. If you’re in the U.S., I think I got them from Best Buy — check their return policy! Everyone’s ears are different, and there’s no way I’m going to spend $$ on earbuds that I can’t return after a brief trial period if they don’t work for me.

      3. Looking for noise cancelling (and/or noise isolating) bluetooth earbuds NOT true wireless*

        Fposte – Also, check these out. I have hard ears to fit and I absolutely love foam earbud tips, which also do a great job of blocking external sound (much better than silicon tips). I haven’t used this exact brand, because my old isotunes came with similar foam tips, but I’ve seen them recommended in several places and plan to order some. Will post the link below, but the brand is “Comply” — complyfoam dot com.

    2. Natalie*

      I know Wirecutter has done a round up on this exact category. I’m sure I can find it and link in a reply.

        1. Looking for noise cancelling (and/or noise isolating) bluetooth earbuds NOT true wireless*

          Thank you, Natalie, I will check this out — much appreciated!

  60. Snow*

    Anyone else prepping for a Nor’easter?

    I always wait for a snowstorm to defrost my basement freezer. It’s so much easier to double-bag everything in a giant Hefty sack, bury it in a snowbank, and take my time. I used to run around borrowing coolers from a handful of people, what a pain.

    1. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      I am! I made scones to enjoy during and pulled out a few recipes to try. I’m looking forward to seeing my dog play in the snow – he absolutely loves it.

    3. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      if it’s a chest freezer, use a shop vac to get the water out. Then use a single towel to dry and you are good to go.

    4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Hah, I do this too! We usually don’t get that much snow but I try to wait for a really cold day to defrost the freezer for this reason. I also often put things like beer or soda outside on the back step to chill. Saves trying to cram them into my tiny fridge.

      1. Voluptuousfire*

        My back porch is in insulated so during the winter it’s usually about refrigerator temperature. It’s fantastic because it keeps my soda and seltzer cold and saves room in the fridge.

        1. Christmas Carol*

          As long as we keep the blinds drawn, our uninsulated sun porch hovers between refrigerator/freezer temps in the winter. We use is as our walk in cooler when doing the big family Christmas dinner.

    6. allathian*

      We always do this, but it’s cold enough in winter that we just empty the freezer and put everything on the balcony table. No need to bury stuff in a snowbank.

    7. Choggy*

      Literally buying milk, bread and other essentials today, tomorrow will definitely be a pancake day! :)

    8. LGC*

      Fellow Northeasterner?

      I’m prepping by…I’m not sure, exactly. Gotta get some more food, but other than that I’m pretty much set. We’re supposed to start getting snow in a few hours (10-11), and it’s supposed to accumulate a lot by tomorrow morning. (Train service already got shut down except for the ACRL – which NEVER shuts down, it feels like – and I’m not sure what bus service looks like.)

  61. Can't Sit Still*

    I have been looking at home nitro cold brew setups. Are they worthwhile? Reviews seem to be mixed, so maybe I’m better off waiting until I can buy nitro cold brew at coffee shops again?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If it doesn’t have to be nitro, the easiest way to make cold brew is with a French press. Add coffee grounds and water, put in fridge overnight then push down plunger and enjoy.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I have done this, and you’re right, it’s very easy. I now own a dedicated cold brewer, which I love (it’s OXO). Might seem silly but I drink it all summer and I can make a week’s worth of concentrate at a time.

      2. Can’t Sit Still*

        I have a decent setup for cold brew, I’m just wishing for nitro. The canned versions aren’t very good. Maybe I’ll just leave it in the “once COVID-19 is over” category.

  62. Faux Plants*

    Anyone have a source for very realistic potted plants, especially bonsai trees? It’s okay if they’re spendy. Looking for a gift for a friend who just got a “corner office” without any sunlight.

    2. Ali G*

      I recently bought a bunch (mostly faux succulents) from All Modern. I was very satisfied with the quality.

  63. Ali + Nino*

    Hey all! My husband’s birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I’d like to do something special despite the pandemic. I heard some restaurants in my city have fire pits so that’s an option, I was also considering a scavenger hunt. Any other ideas for a fun/romantic birthday? Tia!

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I did a scavenger hunt for our first married Christmas! The gift was an Assassin’s Creed Xbox package, so a mission seemed on point :) buuuuut he didn’t know, and poured himself a stiff whiskey drink before we started opening the presents. He actually ended up thinking he’d broken his nose trying to follow one of the clues up a ladder (where he didn’t even need to be going). So uh be careful. :) but it was fun to make up, and he seemed to enjoy it well enough, especially when he got to the end where my five foot teddy bear was guarding his final gift with a sword. I got a puzzle box he had to figure out for one clue, and I think he had to read one in a mirror. (It’s been a couple years now.)

    2. Anono-me*

      If you have a more frugal budget: many of the chefs who have been laid off are doing private specialty meal deliveries.

      If you have a more extravagant budget: Around here, many of the nicer hotels with restaurants are doing private dining rooms.

      Almost no hotel is anywhere near capacity, so some of the rooms have had the bedroom furniture removed and a table and chairs from the hotel dining room installed. You pay for the room for 3-4 hours and get either a chef’s menu or to order off a vey fancy ($$$$$$$) menu.

      From what I hear, lots of people also rent a hotel sleeping room as the meals usually involve wine pairings for each course.

      1. Ali + Nino*

        Wow, both of those sound SO nice! We have dietary restrictions that really limit us in terms of restaurants, but I wonder if I could request a specialty “menu” or meal with his favorites from a restaurant I know we can eat at. I would love a hotel, but finding a babysitter right now is so tricky! Maybe later in the year – for our anniversary? – when the vaccine has been distributed widely. Thanks!

    3. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      My husband’s birthday is in early March so I’ve also been thinking about ways to make it special! One previous year I did a surprise party for him at an escape room. I’ve seen classroom based escape rooms, so I think there may be create at home escape room ideas online so you don’t need to physically go there.

  64. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Moving from one state to another!

    Aside from your home and neighborhood, What did you love about your new state?
    What did you hate?
    What was the biggest surprise?
    What was the biggest challenge?

    I’ve only been here 6 weeks but so far I enjoy how easy driving (and Parking!) is.

    For me the biggest surprise so far has been lack of fast food chains in easy reach. Most of them are a 15-20m drive away. There’s plenty of takeout around though, just not chains. Mixed blessing I guess?

    So far the biggest challenge for me has been getting health insurance and sorting out my vehicle issue (still in process with that – huge headache!)

    How about you?

    1. taters*

      Been at my new state (A) for a little over a year now and was at the previous (B) for 23 years.
      I love the different change of scenery, weather, and the cost of living compared to the previous, although COL is rising, I do feel like I get paid better at State A than I would have in State B.

      I live close to a big city, but the food scene here sucks. The variety and quality of food is more abundant, and honestly, tastes better in State B. The drivers too. I thought State A had terrible drivers.

      People who haven’t been to State A think the weather is always cold, wet, dark, and gloomy, but surprisingly the spring and summertime seasons are great. Plus, there are actually other states that are even more cold and wet.

      Biggest challenge is making new friends. Even before Covid. I think a lot of people here keep to themselves.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Heh! Back around 1980 I moved from Wyoming to the greater Boston area – now, that was a change! I was used to a small city with wide-open views, easy parking, many things within easy walking distance – and where the next town in any direction was at least 20 miles away, and the nearest *city* more like three hours. Found myself trying to drive in Boston (well before the Big Dig helped – a little – in clearing the worst of the mess), feeling claustrophobic because buildings and/or trees obscured the horizon… Eventually I found that Boston’s a very walkable city once you learn where to stash the car or to catch the T, and once I reached the coast I could appease my yearning for a far horizon. New England autumns are certainly well worth being here, and I ended up with a career that I thoroughly enjoyed and an appreciation for the crammed bits of history that pop up everywhere – but I do still sometimes remember the wide open plains with nostalgia. (One thing that surprised me immensely was that there’s no empty space in between towns out here; every town abuts its neighbors, sometimes in very odd shapes and configurations, at least until one gets well away from the major cities – and even then it isn’t like the West.)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Fellow horizon-seeker here. Around 1990 I moved from a town in midwestern farm country to the (very) urbanized mid-Atlantic. I still get wistful for the prairie views. I’ve also never gotten over the frustration of driving along I-95 without ever really feeling as though I’ve “gotten out of town” because it’s basically one big built-up area. Traffic aside, I like it here. The humidity is horrible but not unfamiliar.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      For me, it was the weather. And that was the biggest reason I moved – Seattle was TERRIBLE for my mental health, I couldn’t deal with the grey and drizzle for ten months out of the year. Now back in the Midwest, I am back to hating the cold, but since my husband melts (and gets whiny) when the temperature gets above 65, my dream of living in the tropics is gonna have to wait. Heh. :)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        I’ll raise your husband to 70 degrees but otherwise I agree with your husband! You can always put on another article of clothing and the cold brings snow which IMHO is beautiful. But sympathies, because hating the local weather is no fun.

    4. anon for this*

      I thought I was moving from one part of the Rust Belt to another (think going from Wegmans to Kroger), but what I didn’t realize was that First Town had been largely spared that, whereas Second Town was hard-hit and demoralized.

      First Town had long since shaken off whatever industrial roots it might once have had. I did not realize while living there that it probably struck the surrounding region as a bizarre little place. Long, cold winters and hills everywhere, but very pretty and with a remarkable amount of cultural stuff. I liked what I was doing (basically a low-paid hippie collective) and took to it well, but that was never going to be more than entry level.

      Second Town, which I moved to for a big step up in terms of my career, felt dull and sprawling and negative. Though Second State was a lot flatter than First State, and the winters weren’t as bad, and that meant bike commuting became possible (except in the worst of January). Though Second Town also didn’t do recycling pickup, and it was the first place I’d ever lived like that – I started off by hauling my recycling bags to my workplace, but it built up faster than I could manage that on a bicycle, and I ended up paying someone to empty my basement full of bags of recyclables. Transferring health insurance was bad and it was difficult to find a PCP. Work was well-paid, and okay, but only okay, and it was hard to make friends.

      I got very restless, and actually ended up jumping on an opportunity to move abroad, and have lived out here ever since.

    5. Rust Belt Refugee*

      I moved from a small town in a rural state to a more urban-suburban area for work-related reasons and I can’t honestly say that I love my new state, but it is different and it certainly does offer much more in the way of career opportunities. I (perhaps naively) thought that people in my new state would be a bit more open-minded and tolerant of diversity, and to an extent they are, but not as much as I would have expected. Some of it is just that there are more people here so you’re going to find that same percentage of tolerant people, only more of them. It is a bit easier to meet like-minded people and make friends in New State.

      I’m fairly close to the downtown of a major city and while I can usually find on street parking there, I don’t go there because I’m technologically challenged and have never figured out how you pay for parking because the parking meters involve using your smart phone to either charge the fee to a credit card or debit card, and it just seems like such a hassle. I pretty much stick to the hub of suburbs surrounding the major city.

      I used to complain about not being able to find things in certain stores back in Old State, and then not being able to go anywhere else to look. In New State I still have problems finding things in stores, but I can look for those things in more than one store. I used to only have a single Walmart store near where I lived. There are now 6 Walmarts and 2 Target stores all within 20 miles from where I live and I can get to anyone of them in less than half an hour. Still, the stores here seem to be out of stock of stuff all the time too, so it wasn’t as much of an improvement as I had hoped.

      In New State I enjoy (or enjoyed) a much better selection of casual dining restaurants and they actually have Starbucks here (which I love). But now with the pandemic I can’t really do that anymore. I’m hopeful that I can return to my old ways in a year or so. I’m in the market to buy a new car and the prices are significantly lower and the deals much better in New State than in Old State. (Like around $2,000 cheaper for a new comparably-equipped mid-sized sedan.) More competition for sales and, maybe. more sales volume, I guess.

      In New State it is just easier to get work. I am surprised that there are so many young people (high school and college students) with part-time jobs. I would have killed for a part-time job in high school or college in Old State, but there just weren’t many available and we didn’t have any chain fast food restaurants or big box stores. We didn’t even have a McDonalds. In New State, I feel like people are more professional and, in general, they tend to do a better job. Just the ordinary people you meet, like store clerks or wait people, or mechanics, or maintenance workers. They seem more competent and like they are better able to get things done right the first time. I guess there is more competition for jobs and if you acted like the people in Old State, you might not be able to keep the job for very long or you’d lose your business to a competitor. I swear, the people in Old State remind me of the characters on “Green Acres.”

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I feel like you’re describing my new state (NJ) as well. Esp going to the stores and noticing lots of teens and young adults working there. Anytime we’ve needed something done at home people actually came early/on time!

        I came from NYC so climate wise there’s not much difference but I still feel quality of life is a little better just because we have parking (old home was street parking, total nightmare) and quiet.

        And I gotta admit I love not having to pump my own gas. I run the risk of being a stereotype (ugh) because I can never gauge the distance properly but small price to pay I suppose.

        Maybe it’s the town I live in but I can call the town hall or tax Dept or trash collection Dept or WIC and actually speak to a live human being. (dmv OTOH)…

  65. HamlindigoBlue*

    I joined a test knit group and am working on a cardigan with a lot of intarsia. It’s been a big twisty mess, and I’ve realized that I’m no good at estimating how much yearn I need for the blocks of color. That said, it is coming along nicely, but I’ll be glad when it’s done.

    I also have a crochet dish cloth kit (Morning Sunburst Kitchen Set from KnitPicks) that I started right before the test knit began. I want to get back to that because it’s a lot of new (to me) stitches, and the projects are quick.

  67. AKi*

    my hotel uses a handwritten logbook to pass down notes from one shift to the next. There are also a lot of little lists and clipboards with handwritten notes that need to be legible – lost and found, guest packages, notes delivered to rooms with gifts or flowers like “enjoy the champagne courtesy of XYZ”

  68. acmx*

    Can anyone help me find the thread that had a outlet extender that had a pull out shelf? I checked last weekend and the August thread for things you recommend but wasn’t in either of those.

  69. Becky S*

    I don’t remember that thread, but if you google it, you’ll get lots of options. It appears they are sold in Target, Lowes, Hope Depot and other places.

    1. acmx*

      I think this is for me. Thanks! Yes, I did a search but I did not find one that had a slide out shelf just ones with a shelf on top.

  70. StellaBella*

    Are there TV shows you used to love but have not aged well at all? Is this not ageing well related to our individual growth too, do you think? I spent about 4 hours chilling yesterday watching Sex and the City. And wow. Just so bad. I cannot believe I used to love this show. Carrie is unhinged and twice (in one tv episode and in the movie) she strikes violently Mr Big. She cheats on Aiden with Big. She gloats about her successes. She is really self centred. Plus the whiteness of the show, just, well, wow. I even re watched the episodes with Samantha having breast cancer and struggled even tho I thought I would have more empathy. I know that in the past 16 years I have grown a lot as a person so maybe now this is why I find these episodes so horrid. What about your shows?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      It also had the usual early aughts trope of freelancers or other people with lower paying jobs (coffee shop waitress Rachel eg) owning $600 shoes (hundreds of pairs!) and beautiful large apartments in Manhattan.

    2. ThatGirl*

      How I Met Your Mother, and not just because of the ending. Barney is awful and honestly so are a lot of the characters.

    3. CTT*

      I did a Veronica Mars rewatch recently (just the first three seasons) and all I could think during the first season was “Wow, we really were okay with Logan being THAT sexist and racist in the first half of the season and let it all get swept under the rug because he and Veronica were so hot together.” And look, they were hot together, so I get why the writers were like “change of plans, he’s not an asshole, he’s tortured,” but I just cannot see a show getting away with that now.

      On the flipside, every time I catch a Seinfeld rerun on TV I expect it to have not aged well, and it really hasn’t. Some of the plot mechanics definitely have (if they had cell phones, the Chinese restaurant episode would be two minutes long), but it’s not like I ever watch an episode and think “they’re such horrible people,” because they were supposed to be horrible.

      1. fposte*

        That’s a really funny observation—it seems like the way to make your media last is to make your characters deliberately unpleasant, because it sets expectations low.

      2. Patty Mayonnaise*

        Oh, I disagree. My husband and I are rewatching Seinfeld and there are a LOT of race “jokes” that were borderline in the 90s and I don’t think any show would do now.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        To be clear I still enjoy watching reruns of these shows minus the unenlightened dialogue.

    5. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      Who in their right mind would come up with “Hogan’s Heroes” I could go on a four paragraph rant, but I will only say despicable.

      1. Barb*

        You’re missing the point of Hogans heroes
        They were mocking the Germans, they were all bumbling fools or clearly evil
        The allies always came out on top
        Some of the actors had family who died from the Nazis

        I watched it as a child and enjoy the reruns now

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          I looked it up one time and was highly amused at how many of the “Nazis” were actually Jewish actors!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Colonel Klink-Wihelm Klemperer was a Jew in Nazi Germany. He refused to stay on the show if his character, Klink, was shown to be a good guy.

          John Banner’s- Sgt Schultz– parents were Jewish and he fought in WWII in the US army.

          Robert Clary, Corporal LeBeau, was actually in a concentration camp.

          I remember reading back then these people were all interested in helping a nation to heal and reknit.
          It’s reasonable to assume that not everyone at that time liked the show either. I watched it. I think a good part of the reason why I watched it was because my parents lived that era. I saw their fear and upset. Oddly, the show somehow comforted me that all that terror was over. (A kid’s point of view.)

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I can’t bring myself to rewatch Scrubs because I loved it so much when I first got into it but I know there’s a lot that I would cringe about now.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Definitely the Office. I just watched it for the first time this past year and while I loved a lot of it I could imagine exactly how it’d go down if it aired now. Even Steve Carrell has said the show would never work today.

      I’m watching Revenge lately but I’m not sure it wouldn’t age well. I didn’t catch it at that time when it premiered in 2011, but part of the reason it did well was the anger over the 1% thriving in post-2008. I think it would definitely work again todya.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Now that I think about it, I’m not sure how the elements of terrorism and terrorist acts wouldn’t be triggering in a post-9/11 world. Even though the show aired in 2011-2015.

    8. Taxachusetts*

      Who is actually interested in a Sec and the City revival? I have a feeling it will be painful, especially without Samantha. Let it go!

  71. ShortT*

    Removed — per the weekend open thread rules, comments should not be updates on your life or venting but should ask questions and/or seek to discuss ideas. Thank you.

  72. Lusara*

    Does anyone have any recommendations for bras that are comfortable but also attractive? The comfortable ones I can find are only in white or beige, and the colorful ones don’t seem designed for everyday wear.

    2. Can't Sit Still*

      I gave up on underwire bras last March and only wear TomboyX soft bras now. They are comfortable, supportive and come in lots of colors and fun prints. (I wear a 44L, yes, L as in Lima, for reference.) However, I’m noticing a lot more “soft” bras online now with lace and trimmings. Right now, I’ve only seen black and pink, but that’s in plus sizes. I think there will be more colors and styles coming in the spring, though.

      When I wore underwire bras, I always bought Elomi and they come in a variety of colors.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I wear a fairly off the rack size, but I’ve had good luck at Uniqlo, and their size options go up to I think a G cup? I have no idea if that’s useful for you.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I love Soma’s wireless bras! They have a couple different styles that are super comfortable, still not the most glamorous but they come in pretty colors and some have lace trim.

    5. PollyQ*

      I like the Rhonda Shear “Ahh Bra.” Many colors & styles on her website, and pretty affordable.

  73. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

    Recipes for frozen Kongs?

    I am currently stuffing my dog’s Kongs with no-salt creamy peanut butter, unsweetened applesauce, pumpkin puree, and a bit of plain Greek yogurt. He loves them, but I’m interested to hear what others fill their Kongs with!

    1. ShinyPenny*

      Canned wet food (could be frozen)…
      Half filled with kibble, and then canned wet food mashed down into the kibble (could be frozen)…
      Kibble at the bottom, then larger chunks of meat or big buiscuit-type cookies last, to act as baffles and slow the exit of the kibbles…
      Slices of cheese can also act as baffles…
      Some brands of higher fat canned pates become very very hard if frigerated, so that’s a useful variable for us– scoops can act as baffles, or stuffed full can be really long project…
      Sometimes entire meals are via kongs! My dog is easily dismayed, though, so it usually has to be fairly easy (not frozen) for him.
      We always have at least 2 types of kibble open, and switch up frequently, to keep the interest going.
      I have observed that higher protein/lower carbs means the volume can increase without much body size change. Maybe that’s just my 50-80 pound dogs, though.
      The meals-in-kongs strategy is awesome!

    2. GinnyDC*

      This may be too late for anyone to see but … how do you fill your Kongs? I have tried putting peanut butter in the one for my dog, but I end up getting peanut butter everywhere. Is there a trick I’m missing on how to get it in the Kong and not all over my counter?

      1. Puppy!*

        I fill with kibble and seal the top with wet food. She is only allowed to have them in the crate so that the contents don’t get on everything.

      2. ShinyPenny*

        Really long skinny spoons– like the kind you get at Denny’s if you order a hot fudge sunday.
        I found ones that actually fit into the open end of the kong, so I can use the spoon back to smear peanut butter on the inside walls, or just use the spoon to scoop stuff like canned food.
        If you are filling multiple kongs at once, you cand stand them up in mugs or glasses to corral them all.

      3. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

        I start with putting some kibble at the bottom, then a spoon of peanut butter. The kibble is large enough for me (large breed dog) that it doesn’t fall out of the bottom and can form a seal with the peanut butter. My spouse also made me a small stand for filling the Kongs because they kept rolling away and making a terrible mess! Anyway you can prop them up will help in filling them.

    3. Haha Lala*

      Instant mashed potatoes make the best cheap filler! Not a ton of nutritional value, but still exciting enough for the pups. .
      Sometimes I’ll use chicken broth instead of water, or add in some peanut butter or yogurt, depending on what leftovers I have. It freezes really well and doesn’t leave to big of a mess.
      If I’m in a rush I’ll just stuff a milkbone treat in the Kong— it’s the perfect size that my pups have to work to get it out. My boxer has learned the best way is to fling the long across the room or down the stairs and hope it knocks the treat out…

      1. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

        Pouring in some broth is a great idea! My dog also likes to fling his Kongs; I think it’s his way of saying “I like this, another!” when he’s finished

  74. RagingADHD*

    A lot depends on how heavy-duty it needs to be. My petite teen daughter has some “t-shirt bras” that are soft and come in cute colors/patterns, but she doesn’t need much support and is just going for coverage. I’m not sure of the brands she has right now, but she’s happy with the styles in the older girls underwear section of the big box stores. I’ve also seen (and used to wear) cute t-shirt bras in grownup sizes, but only on the smaller end of the range. They are pretty lightweight and soft, but the elastic tends to wear out quickly, which makes them stop fitting comfortably.

    I need more structure now, and I’ve found some wide-strap underwires from Maidenform that are pretty comfy. I got them in blush pink and navy, but IIRC they had other solids like fuschia.

    There is certainly a hard divide between style options for “fun” bras and “utility” bras.

  76. Writer Mouse*

    Minor dispute to settle: spouse uses 7-9 plates a day. I use one and rewatch. Which is better? Wash a bunch of dishes or wash one over & over?

    2. Enough*

      If you don’t have a dishwasher you wash and reuse as you go along. Otherwise put it in the machine and get another dish out when you need it.

    3. fposte*

      It’s seven washings either way. “Better” would have to take into consideration counter space, dishwasher or handwasher, personal taste for plates, etc., but there’s no objective superiority either way. As an amiable marital dispute, this one could keep you going for decades, and it seems wonderfully free of mean-spiritedness.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Does spouse wash their own plates? If yes, then there is no clear advantage. If anything, there might be a tiny (tiny) advantage to spreading the wear & tear out by rotating plate usage.

      If spouse expects you to clean up after them, or leaves the plates around where they’re in the way, etc, then that’s very inconsiderate.

    5. BRR*

      If it’s hand washing either way, then it’s personal preference and things like tolerance for dirty dishes, who does the dishes, and how much space they take up will all come into play. If they go in a dishwasher, it probably uses less water to put them through the machine.

      If you’re running out of plates since 7–9 is a lot, then spouse should need to adjust.

    6. ....*

      As long as they do dishes and don’t leave crusty stuff out I don’t think either is “better”.

    7. ThatGirl*

      If you have a dishwasher, it’s better to fill that up and run it – uses less water. If not, well, it’s seven washes either way.

      Side note. My mother in law is like you about water glasses and it drives me a little crazy. I don’t need multiple water glasses per day. And she hand washes them despite having a dishwasher, which also drives me a little crazy.

    8. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Split the difference. If it had just like, bread or cracker crumbs, I brush the crumbs off and set it aside to reuse. If it had actual food detritus on it, sauce or such, I put it in the dishwasher.

      In my house it’s coffee mugs – husband uses one, all day, all week. Housemate gets a new one out for coffee every morning and if he gets more coffee, he reuses it, but if he switches to tea or cocoa he gets a new cup. Husband says (jokingly) we each get one cup a day, and I say that since he uses one a week and I don’t use any, that leaves a total of 20 a week for housemate and we’re still under quota.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      Better from what perspective?

      I take a fresh plate for a meal. This comes from working in food service and all. the. discussions on bacteria and thoroughly removing food particles after each use. Anything that might have saliva on it waits for a real washing.
      I will scrub a pan or two as they occur because pans can make a big pile, they are easier to clean if they are a little warm and they have not been in contact with anything that went in my mouth. But even pans and serving bowls can get nasty minus the salvia part of the story, according to our DOH training.

      Because we both had on going health issues, I opted for the take a fresh plate/fresh silverware route and so did my husband who was less worried than I was.
      DOH also said not to put dishes or anything else away wet or damp. They said the moisture causes bacteria/molds/whatever to grow while the item is in storage in the cupboard. Ideally they wanted us to let things air dry and not towel dry. Because, you guessed it, towels pick up germs.
      I know. It’s exhausting to even think about. But because both of us had issues, I tried to watch what I was doing a little more closely.

  77. KristinaL*

    Why do people post on blogs that they obviously haven’t read? I would understand it more if they were advertising their own sites, but a lot of them aren’t.

    I’ve got a blog called dontmakemelearn.com and I’m moderating comments, and a lot of them seem to be oddly written comments that have nothing to do with the site. I don’t understand what’s going on.

    2. fposte*

      Depending on how your site is hosted, it might strip offending links out, probably in the username, without your knowing it. I looked for “Its such as you learn my mind,” for instance, and found it on several other sites, and on the first one I checked the username is linked to a website.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, never mind, even on yours the usernames have links. I must have just hovered over your comment without realizing it was you.

    3. KristinaL*

      It looks like this was a lot of people’s way of getting links to their sites onto my site. I’ve unapproved the comments, but here’s some examples:

      Saved as a favorite, I really like your web site!| Selena Paten Leon

      Hi my friend! I want to say that this post is awesome, nice written and include approximately all significant infos. I would like to see more posts like this. Cleopatra Claudio Favian

      How far apart in time were these photos, roughly? Fascinating time lapse sequence! Emily Denver Grigson

  78. Nynaeve*

    The Assistants is so much fun! My mom and sister both recommended it to me and they have very different taste in books. The female friendships that develop are fantastic and the wish fulfillment is A+++++. Has anyone else read it? What do you think?

  79. A nearby businesses is making & selling my crafts*

    I make a unique craft item & sell them in our family business. A nearly business originally asked me to make some for them but decided they were too expensive (they are VERY reasonably priced). They then made their own & posted photos on Facebook & got lots of comments about how unique & creative they are. Now they are making & selling them in their business about 1/2 mile from our business. I’ve gotten so that I don’t even want to make mine anymore because it’s sucked the joy out of making them & I’m salty they stole my idea with no credit. Our businesses sell other items to each other so I can’t tell them I’m mad without risking them not buying our main items anymore. How would you navigate this?

    1. OyHiOh*

      Assuming you can document your development process (how you got from “I wonder if I could do that” to a sell-able product) and the timeline (you can show that you started prototyping in 2015, started selling mid 2016, for example), you probably have a case for either copyrighting or trademarking your craft thing, and possibly contacting Other Business RE infringement, once you’ve completed your copyright/trademark process. It would be simplest if you were able to have a lawyer send a cease and desist, and they stop making Thing. It could get more complicated than that, but very often does not.

      People are used to laws around patents, copyrights, and trademarks being used by Big Business to destroy Little Business, but these laws are accessible to any business with unique, proprietary products, and new ideas.

      1. OP*

        Thank you. My craft is pretty small time. For example our main business is cheese making (it’s not, but it’s a decent example). Let’s say my craft is tote bags. We have all the inspections & licenses for cheese making. We just sort of sell my tote bags on the side. We sell our cheese to a pizzeria & depend on them as a big customer. The pizzeria is now making & selling very similar tote bags. Also on the side. I’m afraid I’ll jeopardize selling our cheese to them if I even say anything, let alone threaten legal action. Plus maybe both our businesses are playing a little fast & loose with tote bag bookkeeping.

        1. OyHiOh*

          My day job is adjacent to what SBDC offices do throughout the US and several of my good work friends are SBDC counselors and trainers. From my day job point of view, I’d tell you to make an appointment with a local SBDC counselor (will probably be a virtual meeting these days) and figure out what your options and resources are.

          At the very least, fix the accounting issues, and try to determine if your tote bag is unique enough to copyright or trademark, especially if you use a unique process or unusual material.

  80. Anono-me*

    Does anyone here have experience working as phone order taking Customer Service Representative? I have a bit of a ethical quandary that I would appreciate information about.

    I recently had trouble with placing an online order. So I called the 800 #. There was a miscommunication with the CS Rep that resulted in my being under charged by about $40. I did question it once, but the CS Rep said everything was correct as the order confirmation email would show.

    The email shows that I was charged incorrectly.

    I wasn’t to trying to get an extra discount. My conscience say to fix this, but I’m worried that trying to correct this will draw attention to the error and get the CS Rep in trouble. Getting the CS Rep in trouble to me is worse than the $40 discount guilt.

    So here is my moral quandary: Is my worry about getting a CS Rep in trouble a real and valid concern? Or am I just over thinking it (maybe because it is easier)?

    Thank you for your time.

    1. Don’t put metal in the Science Oven*

      Nah. I’d leave it alone. You’ll get overcharged more than $40 in your lifetime so it’ll all come out fair. Plus, in a pandemic I wouldn’t risk getting a phone rep fired.

    2. ShinyPenny*

      Relate! An instacart shopper just delivered twice as many of a certain item than I had ordered– and I was only charged for the requested number.
      But I have read the shoppers are really policed harshly by Instacart. In the past year I have paid for items I didn’t order at least 6 times so as not to damage the shoppers by complaining.
      So I’m just letting this one go, also. I am choosing what seems like the best of not-great choices, because the impact to the worker seems likely to be disproportionately damaging.
      But it does feel more awkward when I am benefitting.

    3. WeAreTheJunimos*

      I was undercharged by a checker at a MaJOR retailer. He forgot to scan the item. I was shocked by the price difference and asked him to check. He told me the item was on sale and I got it for a bargain. I could tell he was new. Upon getting back to the car, I realized that he did not in fact charge me for the item. I walked back in due to my guilt and paid for the item, but since he was so nice and very clearly still learning the ropes, I pretended to forget which lane I was on so that I didn’t get him in trouble. Maybe something like that could be done?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My rule of thumb is that I ask once. If the person overrides me with, “It’s all fine!” then I just let it go.

      I was in a grocery store years ago. The lady overcharged me for an item. I pointed it out to her. She used her key to put her register in void mode. Once she finished the void, she continued ringing my purchases. I said, “You are still in void mode, everything you are scanning is reducing my bill by that amount.”
      She replied with, “Don’t tell me how to do my job. I know how to my job.”
      So I simply said, “Keep doing what you’re doing.”

      She rang a few more items and then it dawned on her that she was STILL in void mode. She turned the key back to normal. I thought she would grab up all the items that she voided and correct those errors but she DIDN’T. I paid $9 for $30 worth of groceries.
      And it was in that moment, I decided that since I always tell the cashier where there is a mistake, it’s up to the cashier to react or not react. I did a lot of retail work, I always stopped and listened to what the customer was saying regardless of there was an under charge or over charge. It takes nothing to listen to people and as an employee, it was important to be fair to my employer as well as be fair to the customer.

      I couldn’t imagine not listening to a customer in either your example here or in my example. I just can’t picture being able to do that. Let it go. You tried.

    5. Will's Mom*

      I’m in a similar quandry. I ordered something from Amazon. The total was less than $25. The package was delayed and then I was sent an email stating that it was lost. They gave me the option to ask for a refund, so I asked for the refund and promptly re ordered. Well, wouldn’t you know it, but about 2 hours later, the package showed up on my doorstep. Meanwhile I received an email stating that my card had been refunded. I tried to get in touch with them to let them know I received the package, but I wasn’t able to. I am not sure what to do about it at this point.

      1. HBJ*

        I had the same thing happen. The package showed up weeks later. Amazon said I could send it back or keep it, they didn’t have a return shipping label for me, and I didn’t want to pay to send it back and wait for a refund, so I kept it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  81. Squeakrad*

    This reminds me of an event we had at the JC pennies years ago. At the time, pennies was the only store that had all cotton pants in my husbands size – tall and skinny. We found a perfect pair of pants , but when we brought them to the cash register it rang up as $2.49. We assumed it was a mistake and called attention to the cashier that there must be a problem with the tag. He laughed and said “oh no, when somebody returns something to our store they didn’t buy in our store, we just discounted the price to the taxes. So yes pair of pants would’ve been $25, and now it’s 2.49.”

  83. MysteryFan*

    I know that the prime time for reading/commenting has passed, but perhaps there will still be some readers who will comment. My question is this: If I prepare a brothy soup, or a pot of beans it will usually last several days in the refrigerator. My mom always taught me to take the container out of the fridge after a couple of days and heat the entire dish up to the boiling point then return it to the fridge. she said that this would allow the dish to “keep” longer in the fridge.

    My partner thinks this is ridiculous. He maintains that the dish can remain in the fridge for several days (at least 6 in some cases) with no ill effects and the diner can just scoop out a portion as desired and heat it in the microwave.

    Who is right? I told him that I would get support for my position, so here’s hoping y’all choose me!

    1. HBJ*

      I’ve never heard this. In fact, I’ve always thought the opposite – only scoop out what you want because it will spoil faster if it’s heated and cooled multiple times.

      That said, I have no idea which way is correct.

    2. OyHiOh*

      Bear in mind it’s been a few years since I’ve done ServeSafe so I may be remembering incorrectly but my recollection is that something like brothy soup is good for about 5 days refridgerated, and that the whole pot can be reheated to boiling only once (ServeSafe definition of boiling here is bring to a rolling boil and hold for five minutes). If you reheat the entire pot, you need to either eat the whole thing, or cool and freeze.

      It is much better to use a clean ladle and scoop out what you need and plan to either use the entire pot by day 5, or freeze what you won’t use in 5 days.

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