weekend open thread – February 13-14, 2021

by Alison Green on February 13, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Necessary People, by Anna Pitoniak. Two friends, one rich and one who’s had to work hard for everything she has, find themselves at professional odds when they start working for the same cable news show and it becomes clear one of them only has her own interests at heart.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread

    What brought you joy this week?

    I’m warm and not in the cold this weekend and there’s a virtual Valentines Day Concert by an artist I like that I’m looking forward to.

    Please share your joys.

    2. PrincessB*

      Making Valentines for my son’s preschool class. It was something non work and creative and low stakes (they’re 3 and getting candy).

    3. Christina*

      My little joy is finding a nice guy to talk to.

      I started on a couple dating apps this week for the first time (ended a 15 year relationship last year and he moved out right before the holidays). I’m really not looking for anything serious and just went to give myself time to explore what I want and practice talking to people (and considering we can’t really go anywhere or do anything…I figure this is perfect timing lol).

      I’ve been chatting with this one nice guy so far, which has felt good. But I’m so paranoid and second guessing myself! We chatted in the app for a few days, then talked on the phone for two hours yesterday and texted for another couple of hours tonight. If the weather wasn’t awful this weekend, we were going to try to meet up for a walk outside. Is this fast? Is this a normal pace? How does anyone learn to do this? Ahhh!

      1. Frenchie Too*

        Just take it a step at a time. It took me some time to learn to be on my own after my divorce. Now I’m happy with life in general. Have dated off and on, but haven’t found “Mr. Right”. Time will tell. I have learned to be happy on my own. It raises the stakes for a relationship. They have to offer a real improvement over being free and independent.
        Make sure you have a solid support system and rely on them to keep you on the right track.
        Also, ENJOY! Dating can be so much fun :)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The advice I see that makes sense to me is to shift from on- line to in-person sooner rather than later.
        Sounds like it makes sense to meet somewhere in public now, just my thought, though.

        1. Venus*

          I also wanted to meet in person soonest, so never too soon for that.

          As to whether it’s too soon to be dating again, Frenchie has a good point of view.

          1. Christina*

            It’s a weird time to be meeting strangers in person though…which I was taking as a nice thing because it took the pressure off. Except now I would like to meet this guy!

            1. Venus*

              Oh totally fair that the situation might not allow for in person! I was just thinking that if you could make it work then that wouldn’t be rushing anything.

              I have been going on a lot of walks this past year, at a socially acceptable distance. I have coffees outside too. It might be an option for you, if there is enough interest and the logistics work out. Good luck!

              1. Christina*

                We were actually going to try to get together for an outdoor walk this weekend, but the weather is awful and we live about an hour apart, so maybe another day!

    4. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Made myself a nice steak for lunch yesterday that sadly I couldn’t finish. Nothing says treat like a well made rib eye.

    5. Zooey*

      I start my maternity leave today! I was just pondering all the things I wanted to get done this weekend and thinking I wouldn’t have time for them all, and then I realised I don’t have to! I will be able to do them next week! Hopefully I have a few weeks before baby arrives to fill up my time

      1. Amaranth*

        Congrats! After 21 years I still recall the best advice I received which was not to feel guilty about recharging YOU when baby sleeps. Sometimes I’d sit and decompress and others I’d nap. My daughter loved to watch me do chores….

          1. Chilipepper*

            Seriously, best advice ever was to sleep when the baby sleeps! And you dont have to listen to other people’s advice.

    6. Perstephanie*

      I spent a day running all my boring errands (bank-pharmacy-groceries-etc.) and at every single stop, everyone I encountered was in a lovely mood. Laughing, joking, warm smiles, kindness. These days I usually approach trips into the world like a hedgehog, a bristling ball of defensive spikes, and this day I unclenched a little.

    7. KAZ2Y5*

      The kindness of strangers. There will be a lot of snow this weekend (like most of the US, I think). Our local Jeep club is offering free rides to any healthcare workers/first responders who have to work this weekend/next week. So, although I have to work at least I can get there safely!

    8. Hotdog not dog*

      I got bored and went “shopping” in the back of my closet. Found a box of fancy scarves that belonged to my late grandmother and have been wearing them around the house. I think I might continue wearing them when I get to go places again. She loved to travel and had scarves from all over the world, some really beautiful and unique pieces! It’s like I’m walking around with artwork AND Grandma.

      1. CJM*

        I love this! I’m drawn to scarves lately and ordered two new ones yesterday as a treat. Many of my scarves carry special memories … like yours do.

      2. Joan Rivers*

        Scarves are great “bang for the buck.” Just throwing a simple scarf over your winter coat changes the look totally, you can have sweatpants on but you look pulled together. And color is so refreshing now.

    9. Just A Guy In A Cube*

      16 month old has added her second sister’s name and “bird” to her vocabulary!
      Kid 3, and I’ve had the fortune to be with them daily for the first few years each time, and I think the language acquisition has been different each time – it’s neat to find things so recognizable :)

    10. Katia*

      I had the opportunity of swimming a bit in the sea (southern hemisphere here) after two weeks of raining. I was so relaxed afterwards!
      Also, I passed an important test, and that means Im on track to be a engineer in December 2021!

    11. Ali G*

      The Dog had his annual appointment at the cardiologist for his on-going heart murmur. He’s doing great! The vet was really happy with how he’s responding to the meds. It was pretty severe when he was diagnosed, so this is great news for us! He’s over 14 so ever time we get good news I feel like we’ve earned another year!

    12. Crowley*

      There’s a long tedious back story, but, this week it has genuinely brought me joy that my appetite and urge to eat unhealthy food have been gone back to “normal” levels and I’m not feeling the urge to eat unhealthy food, or too-big portion sizes, all the time. It’s such a relief. I realise I’m a weirdo haha.

      Also some really genuinely lovely feedback in work, from someone who isn’t normally very vocal about that stuff.

    13. Puppy!*

      Puppy is maturing and more predictable. Still up at 5:00 am. For the first time in my life I am looking forward to daylight savings time.
      Her joy- playing with the neighbor puppy- dancing, leaping, running bring me joy.
      Her excitement when she discovers a “new” toy. (I am just rotating the ones in the house)
      Her human pals who make it possible for me to enjoy her- she has an 8:30 am friend, a 3:30 playdate and sometimes an 8:30 pm. walk friend bring me great joy.

    14. GoryDetails*

      Got a letter from the IRS today – and it was my second stimulus check! Hadn’t realized I was due one. [It’s not that I have any reason to fear letters from the IRS, as I keep up with my paperwork and taxes, but there’s something about seeing that return address…]

    15. Mimmy*

      -Hubby bringing home a specialty Dunkin Donuts donut with brownie batter filling

      -One issue at work suddenly resolving itself

    16. RagingADHD*

      Our guinea pigs are very sweet. We built them a good-size cage with ramps and a second level, and when they get zoomies it is hilarious.

      2. MissCoco*

        My “baby” pig (7 months old) pig is taking his first ever snooze on my lap right now (in his trusty cuddle sack). My heart is full.

        I lose it when they get the popcorns. That little mid-air wiggle cracks me up!

        1. RagingADHD*

          Putting a fresh handful of hay on top of the (still full) hay rack is guaranteed to get some popcorns out of our babies.

          They are about 5 months, best guess.

    18. Otter Dance*

      Diet is working!
      I need to lose weight before surgery, and every pound lost is a step closer to a less painful future. Grrrr to no health clubs or mall walking; I can’t risk falling on the ice and snow outside.

      1. Kuododi*

        Oooh…I’m not facing surgery but for other medical reasons, I find myself in a similar pickle regarding physical activity. If you have access to streaming services such as Amazon prime or Netflix do a keyword search for “workout” or other related terms. Both services have a plethora of video workout options. (From 10min yoga stretches to a full HIIT workout from home.). Hope this is helpful. Best wishes

        Kuododi

    19. OyHiOh*

      My partner got me tulips for Valentines Day. I adore spring bulbs. The high temp today is expected to be single digits and there’s about 3 inches of snow on the ground and there’s tulips on the table by the window. Magic.

    20. Dramamethis*

      It was my wedding anniversary this week and we were able to have lovely dinner out, (we have outdoor dining). They did a wonderful job of keeping patrons far spaced, well over 6 feet, so we felt very safe.

      It was just so nice to do something normal.

    21. StellaBella*

      It snowed about 3 inches here and I love it :) Very cold but I walked outside for 2 hours and I even got my kitty to go on the balcony and walk in it a bit and lick the snow. Such a nice Saturday.

    22. allathian*

      We’re having a proper winter, with a decent layer of snow (about a foot). So refreshing after the dark and rainy ones we’ve had in recent years.

    23. Might Be Spam*

      My daughter came over to witness my absentee ballot and brought me a heart shaped box of chocolate.
      My apartment is warm in winter. It is so nice to not freeze when I have to get up in the middle of the night. My house was freezing no matter what temperature you set on the thermostat. The cold came up through the concrete foundation and there was no basement.

    24. Susie*

      I bought a yarn bowl from our local art co-op. I hadn’t seen them at the store before so I asked if any of the potters made them. Turns out one did and ended up making several… I bought one AND the rest sold out.

      So I’m thrilled I have a new toy to make knitting easier and got to support local artists.

      I hadn’t been in the store for a while (pre COVID) and I noticed some amazing art…so have some more artists on the list to support in the future.

    25. Chaordic One*

      I know this is kind of dumb, but I did have a good laugh at the “I’m not a cat” video. I just have to appreciate the absurdity of the situation.

    26. whingedrinking*

      My partner and I are doing dry February, but we’ve decided Valentine’s is our “cheat” day and I got us a bottle of nice gamay, a little more expensive than usual since we’re saving money on booze.

      I also have my Kickstarter fully funded and I’m looking forward to starting the project once the funding comes through, which should be just as February ends. (If anybody wants to throw in for a cocktail recipe book, there’s still time! It’s here: kickstarter .com/projects/mixesforthemasses/mixes-for-the-masses ).

    27. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      Started watching New Girl and a pair of shoes I have been eyeing are on sale plus an additional 50% off!

    28. WoodswomanWrites*

      I’m taking a solo, pandemic-safe trip to the bird refuges and Lava Beds National Monument in the Klamath area on the California-Oregon border. It’s been fun to look at maps and get excited about outdoor places to visit. Just have to pack a lot of warm clothes and raingear.

      2. NoLongerYoung*

        Sounds great – that’s a beautiful part of the state, and I miss seeing it (was there in salmon/ blackberry seasons several years).

    29. Lizzo*

      So thankful for a warm house, but also thankful for the ability to splurge on a new winter coat so that I can continue to walk outside even when we’ve got subzero windchills.
      Also thankful for the peace and quiet when I do take those walks. Only the heartiest of us are out, and we just nod acknowledgement and carry on.

    30. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My teen’s spring semester has her starting late one day a week, and she’s started making us breakfast on those days.

    31. The Other Dawn*

      I recently started crocheting again after maybe 25-30 years. I discovered Bernat velvet yarn and I love it! It’s incredibly soft and silky. I got an email the other day from Joann and the yarn was almost 50% off, plus I got free shipping. Needless to say, I bought a whole bunch in Smokey Blue so I can make a large blanket for a friend. I also bought more of the color I’m using now (Gray Orchid) since I severely underestimated how much yarn I’d need for the current project.

    32. Felicia*

      I had my first ever virtual date last night and I had fun and we both agreed we would like to do it again

    33. the cat's ass*

      What a lovely idea!
      We had take out from our local french bistro for VD/LNY and it was terrific;

      I read Necessary People and thought it was creepy good, thanks for the rec, Alison;

      Got the banking done for two girl scout troops-gotta keep that cookie $ straight!

    34. Spice for this*

      We watched Friday Night Dinners on amazon and had a good laugh! Felt very relaxed and happy after all the laughter.
      Had a day of self care on Saturday and went to the chiropractor and acupuncturist. Felt like a new person afterwards.

    35. overeducated*

      Grocery pick up. We have to hit Lowe’s, Target, AND Aldi for necessities and hopefully it’ll only take a couple hours to drive around instead of most of the day. Such a convenience, even apart from the health risk aspect.

      Also, my dad’s tiny church had “friends and family Sunday” today, my dad invited a lot of us personally, and the Zoom service was half to a third our family. He was really pleased and that gave me warm fuzzies.

    36. Mallory Janis Ian*

      I’m warm and don’t have to go out in the cold, and I fell asleep last night with my husband’s arms around me and our poodle keeping my feet warm at the foot of the bed.

    38. Dark Macadamia*

      Snow! A few weeks ago I scheduled a little one-night trip to a mountain Airbnb because it didn’t seem like we’d get snow close to home this year, and then of course the local forecast changed a couple days ago. The Airbnb was super nice though with a private hot tub, nice view, etc and we did a lot of sledding up there, then came home just in time for a ridiculous snowfall right here! This morning my family built a snow fort in the yard and I love seeing all the neighbors playing, even the adults. Lots of snowmen and silly photos and happy dogs out there today!

  2. D3*

    Just went down a huge rabbit hole! I had no idea how many different flavors of Mountain Dew there are, and no idea what a following of collectors there are. People driving across several states to snag a flavor. People shipping cases from Japan to the US for large amounts of money. A whole world I never knew!
    What internet rabbit holes have you gone down lately?

    1. username required*

      Campervans! Started looking for a small 1-2 person campervan and ended up spending hours scrolling through all manner of van conversion/renovation websites and blogs of people travelling around the world in them.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

        Username required – check out YouTube! There are some fab channels for van/SUV conversions;
        Cheaprvliving is a good start. After you watch that then others will pop up.
        Check out Boondocking as well. That’s more about purposely living in your car/SUV/rv, but I’ve gotten some great ideas for my camping set up.

    2. CJM*

      Catios! I’m determined to build one this spring. I’ll probably start with an Ikea bookcase and add wire framing and a door. There are many clever designs out there, and it’s hard to keep plans simple when I daydream. But I want to start small and make sure my cats use it before I consider expanding it.

    4. fposte*

      Lady Agnes MacDonald’s 19th century train trip across Canada, wherein she decided to sit on the cowcatcher from Alberta to BC.

        1. fposte*

          Nope! Evidently there was a little seat behind the actual cow-removal portion. She rode that thing through forest fires and across massive ravines. Her husband the prime minister seemed largely resigned.

    5. AGD*

      The history of handwriting in the U.S., especially the streamlined ways im which it used to be taught. The Spencerian script, the Palmer Method, etc. I’d hardly ever thought about this before and it turned out to be fascinating.

      1. Pippa K*

        A few months ago I happened to find an interesting tutorial on how to read “secretary hand,” the handwriting used in a lot of historical materials from the early modern era. I only very rarely use such materials for work, but it was interesting nonetheless! The tutorial is offered by one of the Yale libraries; I’ll reply with the link in case anyone is interested in this particular handwriting niche.

    6. Myrin*

      The Japanese Martime Self-Defense Force, especially their first female commander and their handlings of piracy at the Somali coast.

    7. Double A*

      Baby carriers. It’s literally the only thing I need to buy for baby #2 (our hand me down one for #1 bit the dust). I finally found one that’s exactly what I want, and it’s apparently some high demand/low supply thing that sells out immediately and there’s a huge resale market for it and the only way to get it is to join and monitor their Facebook group and I’m so annoyed. I don’t want to have to strategize to buy a necessary baby supply, I just want to be able to order it.

      So now I’m basically back to square one trying to figure out what to get.

      1. Confused Single Mom*

        I feel like I know what one you are talking about! If it is, I was able to get one with no trouble when they released a new batch so it may not be quite that bad as long as you aren’t going for a really popular color. They might also be doing a pre-order which would make it less stressful for you. Congrats on baby #2!

      2. Petticoatsandpincushions*

        Happy Baby?? If so, I love that brand! Sakura
        Bloom is a really similar style and price pojnt, and a larger company so their restocks don’t sell out as fast :)

        1. Confused Single Mom*

          That’s what I thought too! Happy Baby carriers are definitely amazing, but I’m glad to know about Sakura Bloom as well.

        2. Double A*

          Yes it’s happy baby! It does sound like preordering isn’t so bad, thanks for the input everyone!

          I’ve looked at sakura bloom but I know my husband would prefer buckles to the ring fasteners. But maybe I’ll give it another look.

    8. DataGirl*

      Thanks to a reddit thread, ‘countries where polygamy is legal’. Spoiler- it is WAY more than you’d think.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Historic costumers and costume historians who are looking at histories too long overlooked. I grabbed a bunch of instagram hashtags from a recent post if you want to join me.
      I got caught by history when a teacher first talked about common people: “it wasn’t all kings & queens. Farmers, craftsmen, cooks, housekeepers–how did THEY live?” I’m glad to see that expand.
      #reenactorsofcolor #bipocreenactors #blackreenactor #cocktailsandcostuming #inclusivecostuming
      #costuming #bipoccostumers #poccostumers #costumersofcolor
      #costumingincolor #inclusivecostuming
      #historicalcostuming #historicalreenactment
      #historicalinterpretation
      #livinghistory #inclusivehistory
      #labelladonnahistory #LBDhistorical
      #bipoc #poc

    10. Yellow Warbler*

      I looked up why Christopher Walken speaks the way he does, and before I knew it I was spending hours reading about phonemes and ESL language acquisition.

    11. Roy G. Biv*

      An apartment rental agency in Paris, with videos of the apartments. I keep freezing on the view out the window to try to spot landmarks. And then sitting slack jawed when I check the rental price. And no, I am not planning a trip to France. A rabbit hole indeed!

  3. Skeeder Jones*

    I don’t remember all the names of the different cats but the grey one is definitely judging me for some of my life choices lol

    2. tangerineRose*

      If you click on the picture, you’ll see their names. The gray one is Wallace and the black one is Laurie. Wallace looks pretty confident.

  4. PrincessB*

    Vegetarian/plant based life continues (week 5 coming up). Thank you to all the people a couple weeks ago who helped me realize I want getting enough protein and posted awesome recipes! I tried and failed to get into making my own green smoothies. I bought a premade green juice from the store that’s not bad, but if anyone has recommendations please share.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Congrats!
      Spinach tofu curry (in place of paneer):
      For the tofu ‘paneer’:
      1 block (300 g) extra-firm tofu, pressed and cut into cubes
      1 teaspoon ground cumin
      1 tablespoon nutritional yeast
      1 tablespoon vegetable oil

      SPINACH CURRY
      4 cups firmly packed (250 g) spinach leaves, or 1½ cups (200 g) thawed frozen spinach
      ½ cup (125 ml) vegetable stock
      1 cup (250 ml) plant milk
      1 small white onion, diced
      4 garlic cloves, finely chopped
      2.5 cm ginger, finely chopped
      1 red chilli, deseeded and sliced
      1 large tomato, diced
      ½ teaspoon salt
      1–2 teaspoons white sugar
      1 teaspoon garam masala
      2 tablespoons nutritional yeast

      soy cream or vegan yoghurt, shredded ginger and lime wedges, to garnish

      Put everything in the blender for the spinach curry, then when it is as smooth as you can get it heat it at a simmer in a saucepan for 10 minutes. While it is cooking, coat the pressed tofu pieces in the nutritional yeast and cumin and fry them till crispy, turning often.
      Serve on top of the spinach curry in a bowl with the garnishes.
      I have made this without the sugar and salt and it is absolutely delicious still.
      The above recipe (from Sasha Gill) states that it serves 4 people but honestly I think it serves 2 generously.

      And as for protein: you can get complete protein from a pulse and a grain, so beans on toast or hummus and pitta bread for example. It is rare that we in the West would have a protein deficiency because of the variety of our diets.
      The main thing is to get enough of plant-based vitamin D (sunshine and supplements for me), B12 which I get from nutritional yeast and in cereals and plant milk, and omega 3 oils. Plant-based DPA/EPA supplements help me with the latter.

    2. Hotdog not dog*

      Have you read the book “How Not To Die”? It’s a doorstop, but loads of useful information on plant based living. We’re still omnivores, but I’m slowly steering my family towards plant based.

    3. Otter Dance*

      Boca Crumbles. I toss them into rice or pasta dishes to add protein and sort-of-meat flavor.
      They’re sold as a substitute for browned ground beef. It’s kind of like carob – fine if you don’t expect real chocolate.
      I’m not vegetarian myself; I just find them more convenient than thawing and browning a whole package of ground beef when I only want a little.

    4. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Quinoa is a complete protein. Make a quinoa bowl! Add a simple sauce of your choice – or not, just a squeeze of lemon.

      I make lots of roasted veg – they go in so many things.

      1. Chilipepper*

        If it helps, there is no need to worry about complete proteins. That is a made up idea. An early proponent of organism thought the concept made her work sound more scientific so she used it. Our bodies maintain a “protein pool” so as long as you are eating a variety of foods the body digests the food and stores the amino acids for use as needed. It even recycles the leftover amino acids when they are used for a body process.

        For most people, if you eat a variety of foods and enough calories, you are getting enough protein.

        I second the book rec, How Not to Die, by Dr.bGregor. And Eat to Live by Dr Fuhrman.

        Dr. Gregor has a website, nutritionfacts.org that has great videos. The Bristol Stool scale is not to be missed.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve made this recipe before and it’s delicious. In my opinion, the coconut oil is what really makes this dish. It calls for shrimp, but you could just leave it out or maybe add tofu instead. It also calls for eggs. I’m not sure if you eat those or not, but I’m sure you could leave them out and the dish wouldn’t suffer, or maybe there’s something else that can be subbed. If you don’t want to grate cauliflower you could just buy the riced stuff in the freezer section.

      https://www.cherryonmysundae.com/2014/01/cauliflower-fried-rice.html

  5. In the wrong*

    Hopefully this counts as non-work related. Have y’all ever seen a post here that you really think might have been about you? Or maybe you know for sure? I found one from summer 2019, before I started reading this page, that I REALLY think may have been about me. The timing lines up, and it wasn’t exactly flattering lol. It was a common enough situation that it could have been about someone else, but it definitely made me uncomfortable, and would have been a wake up call if I’d seen it while that situation was happening! It got me wondering if anyone else has suspected or actually know that someone wrote in about them.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      No, but I read a Dear Prudence chat letter that I think may have been written by my husband’s coworker’s wife (his coworker had recovered from cancer but was also using that as a reason to check out of work and home life before and after). My husband agreed.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Not here. But decades ago I read an Ann Landers letter that I swear was written by my mother. If that was the case, Ann really blew it. The fact that I still remember this kind of makes me think my intuition was on target.

    3. anon4this*

      I had an internally uncomfortable situation with a letter to Captain Awkward a while ago. I didn’t write it, or ask anyone else to write it, or even make the suggestion. But it sounded like it was from me about a situation with a close friend. I’m not ready to rule out freak coincidence, but I’ve been wondering whether one of our mutual friends sent the letter and “anonymized” the details by making it sound like I wrote it rather than them.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I think that’s why advice columns have such a broad appeal. Human problems often fall into the same patterns, so we can identify with different people in a situation.

        1. Sue*

          I’ve seen some that I could have written about my spouse but never any about myself. What does that say about my (lack of?) self awareness..

    4. Coenobita*

      Not quite the same, but I’m like 99% certain that I attended one of the submissions for “worst holiday office party” a few years back. There were just too many specific details for it to be a coincidence!

    5. twocents*

      Nothing about me or anyone I know, but as I’ve gotten older and had more varied experiences, I’ve seen situations that are familiar to me reflected in more posts. It actually makes me really grateful that AAM enforces an “assume good intent” standpoint. I had to step away from Carolyn Hax’s commenters yesterday after one of them assumed a LW was lying and they did a dog pile about what a secretly terrible person they must be.

    6. Just Another Manic Millie*

      At a former company, my co-worker Fergus was always very friendly towards me, and I liked him. A number of our co-workers noticed, and they kept urging me to ask Fergus out on a date. (Both of us were single.) Then one day, I read a letter in Carolyn Hax’s discussion forum that really appeared to have been written by Fergus. The LW went on and on about how there was a woman at work that he liked. The more I read, the more convinced I was that the letter was written by Fergus. And then I read, “I’m afraid that she’s going to ask me out on a date, and I don’t want to date her! What should I do?” I don’t remember what Carolyn said, but I never dared ask Fergus out after that. And he never asked me out. But we were still very friendly afterwards.

    8. Potatoes gonna potate*

      no but I am always paranoid about that.

      Once I saw a really awful glassdoor review and I could have sworn they were talking about me. The former employee had blasted half the company and management. Everyone knew who had written it and it was someone who I had been friendly with and worked under me briefly. She had written something that hit my biggest insecurity at that job.

    9. anon24*

      Not about me, but I once saw a comment in the open thread that was written by a family member. It was really specific to a certain situation and the writing style was definitely theirs. They also commented using their first name. I simply passed by and never mentioned it to them, but it’s made me super cautious of commenting here because I don’t know if they still read this site and I don’t want them identifying me.

    10. Professor Plum*

      I did recognize a situation in a comment a few years ago and could tell who from my workplace had written it. Checked in and it was indeed the person I thought it was. Didn’t know if others from our company read AAM but she did change her username going forward.

    11. DataGirl*

      It hasn’t happened yet, but whenever I open an AITA reddit post written from the perspective of offspring about their parent(s) I am always worried I’m going to find it was written by one of my kids.

    12. Lovecraft Beauty*

      A while back, I interviewed someone and I’m absolutely certain they posted on the Work Open Thread that week about the experience.

  6. MissGirl*

    How do you sustain a friendship with someone with depression when you’re struggling too?

    I have a close friend, and I don’t have many, who has been flaking out every time we make plans. We were supposed to meet up first thing in the morning for a hike and she just texted me (11 pm) that’s she not feeling well. She asked if we could reschedule, and I said, no. We’ve been scheduling stuff and it never works out so I told her just let me know when she’s feeling up to something and we’ll go then, but we keep planning stuff that isn’t happening. She’d even confirmed time and place this afternoon so I was frustrated that she did this again.

    Then she told me she’s in a depression what with COVID and living alone and work troubles, which I get because of COVID and I live alone and I’m damn lonely. So I’m trying not to be mad at her but I’m also not trying to cry because I was really looking forward to tomorrow. I’m also angry because I could’ve gone with some other people to a nearby lake to birdwatch but now it’s too late to find someone to take care of my puppy. If she’d let me know at a decent time, I could’ve swung it, but now I will be spending Saturday alone—again. I feel like she manages to do stuff with her boyfriend whom she only met a few months ago but I can’t get her to go for a walk.

    So I don’t know how to move forward. If I’m understanding, it feels like I’m swallowing my own feelings. If I’m mad and express it, I’m hurting someone who’s depressed. If I just sit back and do nothing, I lose another friend and I don’t have many. At my age most women are married with kids and disappear as soon as that happens. I’m trying to develop other friendships but you know, COVID.

    1. tangerineRose*

      Are there other ways you can spend time together that don’t involve getting together? Maybe that will be easier to arrange. Zoom or phone calls?

      1. MissGirl*

        She sometimes responds to my calls but sometimes doesn’t. I hate to be the one always reaching out if I’m only bothering her.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I think Carolyn Hax had a question about this recently – she probably is depressed but she’s also treating you badly. I would say leave the ball in her court and don’t schedule anything with her where you need her to show up (you could let her know stuff you are doing anyway if you want to). Maybe she will come around or maybe not, but she’s not in a position to be your friend right now. Drop your end of the rope.

      1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

        Honestly, I think this can vary. When I I think of my long-term friensdhips…..sometimes we’ve gone through periods where one person was doing more ‘work’ than the other, but most of them have evened out over the long-term and been worth it!

        That said, some people will never pick up their side of the rope and it can be better to end those relationships. So it really depends on what the friendship has been like and what OP is looking for.

      2. username required*

        Yes – I’ve come to similar conclusion with an old friend. It hurts to lose the friendship but I can’t continue to put up with being treated badly. Attempts to discuss the reasons for repeated cancellations are brushed off so I dropped the rope and haven’t heard from her since.

      3. RC Rascal*

        This. As unpleasant as it is to consider this, it sounds to me like she doesn’t want to be friends anymore and is using the depression as an excuse. She thinks that claiming depression is a nice out, and it saves her from communicating honestly and potentially dealing with conflict. You are being nice and supportive, and therefore are missing the hints she is throwing out. My guess is she got a last minute better offer, probably from the boyfriend, and dumped you. It’s the adult version of the teenage girl who declines a date by telling him she needs to last minute babysit her little brother.

        I would stop investing time in this person and see what she does. (My guess is she will just let the friendship drop). This is very painful for you but probably better to know, so you can concentrate on people who may become better sources of friendship, such as the birdwatchers.

        1. Rose*

          I don’t think it sounds like this at all. It could be, but this is also just what depressed people often do. I think if she was trying to slow fade her she’d say she was too depressed to make plans.

    3. AcademiaNut*

      It can help to relax your expectations. If you start out with the assumption that she’s going to cancel plans, how would you change your approach. Some ideas

      – make plans that involve her joining you for something you would do anyways. If she cancels, you still have something to do that you want to do, and if she unexpectedly shows up, it’s a bonus.

      – feel free to cancel if something else comes up. So if your friends ask you bird watching and you would want to go if you didn’t have plans with her, agree to the birdwatching and cancel on your friend. I know this is the exact opposite of normal etiquette (you don’t cancel a social engagement when something better comes up), but if she’s cancelling at the last minute more than half of the time you make plans, it’s the established pattern in your friendship – both of you should be able to take advantage of it. The other option is to only make last minute plans (ie, on less than a day’s notice), so you aren’t blocking time out for her that could be taken by more reliable engagements.

      – don’t make plans for things where you will be really disappointed if they cancel, or where you’ll be out money or time as a result.

      Basically, you want to lower the frustration level to a point where you are okay keeping up with the friendship that she’s able to give. Your current system is making you resentful and feeling like you’re being taken advantage of, and if you keep it up, it will kill the friendship completely.

      1. KeinName*

        i agree. OP is already doing this with letting their friend arrange the next meeting, and is signaling that she is still willing to spend time with them if they do the work, so that‘s a good approach I‘d say.
        What would you recommend in terms of minimizing potential for frustration with a friend who is always late? That‘s my personal problem – i.e. I come to pick her up and she let‘s me wait 20 minutes in front of her house…

        1. AcademiaNut*

          For chronically late people, I find you’re either dealing with people who don’t care as long as they’re not the once inconvenienced, and people who really do struggle being on time even when it matters.

          For the second case, I arrange things so their lateness doesn’t affect me adversely – so I can wait in comfort, or start the activity even if they’re not there yet (and I never risk money on their lateness – they can buy tickets separately). So no offering rides, no reservations at places that require the entire part to be there, and if they’re invited to a meal, I serve it at the time I said I will, even if they’re not there yet.

          For the first case, I’ll make it their problem. After the first 20 minute wait, I’d either stop giving them rides, or give them five minute and then leave. If their lateness becomes their problem rather than yours, they’ve got an incentive to be on time. That sort of lateness is a pet peeve of mine, so I’d be perfectly willing to deal with the fallout of them being mad because I’m not putting up with it.

          1. KeinName*

            Thanks for your thoughts! Yeah, it makes me rage-y too and I haven‘t found a way to deal. We did what you suggested with the home cooked meal once, and were each finished with our portions and about to start on hers when she finally showed up :-) Probably should have eaten it, as a teachable moment, haha.
            I can‘t very well start on walks on my own, since I‘d be halfway up the hill once she arrives… and that‘s the only thing possible at the moment. Well, I‘ll just hold off on meetings for the time being.

            1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

              If the walking part (versus scenery) is important, could arrange to meet at a school track and walk your loops while you wait. Or meet at a park where you can bird watch or have a thermos of coffee until she gets there. Or start at your house so you can watch TV or move through some laundry. If you really want to do it that is.

          2. Esmeralda*

            Or, you just fib about time. For many years I’d say to my husband, we need to leave by X time. X = 30 minutes before we actually to leave. He’d be late, he’d apologize, and I’d very cheerfully say, well, it’s not too bad, only 30 minutes off.

        2. Pond*

          Lateness is sometime I struggle with, largely because growing up my family was always late to everything – not that we didn’t care, but that mentally couldn’t get ourselves together for anything.
          One strategy which I find helpful on both ends (as the person running late and as the on time person waiting) is to have different time expectations than are agreed upon.
          For example, if I arrange to meet a friend, I tell myself that the meeting is half an hour earlier than arranged with my friend, so being 30 mins late by my calendar is being on time for my friend (because I care, but it’s really hard).
          On the other side, anything I plan to do with my family I assume they will be late. So if ex. we’re going somewhere it’s really important to be on time, I will tell them half an hour earlier than the actual time. If we’re going somewhere time doesn’t really matter (ex. going for a walk) then I mentally plan/expect them to be half an hour late, so I am not [as] bothered by it. As AcademiaNut suggested, I make sure I can wait in comfort, and since I expect them to be 30 mins late, if they’re less late than that it’s a pleasant surprise. Sometimes I will also do the opposite of what I do when I need myself to not be late, and arrive to something 20 mins late because I know they’re going to be 30 mins late, so I don’t have to wait as long. This is a tricky thing because it risks you being late the one time they’re ever on time, reinforcing their pattern of lateness. However, it can work if it’s something you know for certain. For example, at the time you would need to leave to be on time, call and ask for a realistic time estimate. If they just rolled out of bed you know there’s no point in rushing yourself because it’s going to be awhile.

          1. KeinName*

            Also very good (if risky, since I get stressed when late myself) suggestions! Thanks!
            I think my friend is similar to your family

        3. Jay*

          My dearest friend is never – and I mean never – on time. I am often early. I realized a few years ago that this was not a reflection of her feelings for me. She really wants to see me and she tries her best. Her best is 20 minutes late. It just is. I love her and want her in my life….so now I expect her to be at least 20 minutes late. In the pre-pandemic days, if we went to a movie or a concert, I went on my own, got there on time, and she had her own tickets and showed up whenever she showed up. Any other plans I just adjust in my head. I won’t make a date with her for lunch at 12:00 unless I know I can stay until 1:30. I look at the 20 minutes I’m waiting as found time to read or catch up on Facebook or do a puzzle.

          For Thanksgiving or something like that, we sit down to dinner without them (her husband is worse than she is). I used to tell them dinner was a half-hour earlier than I intended but now I just figure there will still be food.

          So basically I put her lateness in the “beyond my control” bucket and figured out how I could stay connected to her without being pissed off all the time. There are other people like this who I’m not close enough to or don’t click with enough to take the trouble, and I’ve drifted away from them.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I drifted away from a friend who was always late when I found that my annoyance with her being late spoiled the fun of seeing her. That said, I think that our friendship withered through changed circumstances as well. She was a great friend when I was unemployed or underemployed and she was making good money. She’d buy me coffee and dinner and never expected anything in return. But when I started working as well, she got flakier and flakier with her lateness. In the end, the friendship just petered out.

        4. Caroline Bowman*

          Do not wait. I know, it feels awful, but beyond a few minutes (which is reasonable), do not wait.

          Ideally don’t make plans that involve you picking her up or being stuck and waiting on her. I cannot bear that, it’s so, so selfish and arrogant. I know some people do genuinely battle with time keeping, but when it’s important, they generally don’t. Thus you are not important enough to make the effort for, repeatedly. This is unacceptable to me personally.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, me too. The friend I mentioned above was working in a high-stress job and making a six-figure salary two years out of college. She was happy to buy me coffee and dinner for a sum that would have me eating for at least three days when I was on a tight budget and she never begrudged me that but was only happy that she could treat me. At the time, I was mostly unemployed so I didn’t really mind having to wait for her sometimes, because she was mostly either on time or at the most 15 minutes late and I could handle that. But when I started working as well and could afford to pay my own way, she got flakier and flakier. Of course, that’s also around the time when both of us got our cell phones, so it was much easier to reschedule. I found that in my busier life I was less dependent on her company and less willing to put up with her inability to be on time with me. It wasn’t even her job that usually caused the delays, or at least she very rarely blamed her lateness on the job. That said, what finally caused us to drift apart was probably when I had my son. She came to see me once when I was on maternity leave and my son was about 7 months old and didn’t stay long.

    4. Professor Plum*

      I once had a friend who always canceled. My solution was to always plan group activities so that she could cancel, but I still had others to spend time with.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, I did the same with a friend who was struggling with her mental health. She wanted to see me and our other friends, but sometimes she just couldn’t.

    5. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      I don’t think there’s any one ‘right’ answer to this question. Long-time relationships go through blooms and fallow periods, and you may just be in a quiet period with this relationship.

      If this is someone who has been there for you in the past, and whom you value having in your life, then I think there’s some opportunity to position yourself as the “reacher out” for awhile. On the other hand, if this is a newer relationship or if this is part of a long-standing pattern, then you may decide not to do so.

      If I were in your shoes, I might do some reflection on my own feelings and anger (how much is about her? how much is about the situation? how much of our relationship is about what I want from her, and how much is about what she wants from me?). Depending on what surfaced, I might decide to share some of that with her, or I might set it aside.

      Then I might transition to low-effort points of contact (sharing an email or text, rather than scheduling things). One of my friends is currently going through a separation and possible divorce. I know she doesn’t have a lot of emotional bandwidth, so I let her know explicitly that I’ll just be texting her now and again to check in, with no pressure on her end to respond. Which basically amounts to a weekly sharing of an update or recommendation of a particular TV show. I’d say she’s responding about 33% of the time, and sometimes these responses lead to pretty long phone conversations that are really enjoyable for me.

      That said — you probably wouldn’t want to be in a supportive position like that forever. Right now it seems like she can’t meet your needs, so it’s best to focus on building other friendships. Being the ‘reacher outer’ should only a temporary state to keep the momentum going — but if it makes you feel exhausted or resentful, it’s probably not worth it!

      1. Washi*

        I agree. I think there’s a lot of middle ground between wearing yourself out for her and writing the friendship off all together.

        It might help to just really focus on reaching out when you miss her, not because it’s been a certain amount of time, she should have done it already, etc. Like if normally she would reach out once a month and you would reach out once a month, you don’t have to now get in touch twice a month to make up for her. Once a month (or whatever) is fine or less is fine, if you’re feeling annoyed and want to take a break!

        I think it also helps to think of my friends’ company as a gift I give myself, in the sense that if I reach out and now we’re having fun, that’s a win. I used to feel like it almost doesn’t “count” if I was the one to initiate and felt kinda pathetic if I felt like I was doing more, but I’ve tried to let go of that because it just made me crazy and sad.

        Basically, I think you should focus on what you want at any given moment (miss her? Send a text! Feeling grumpy? Don’t do anything) and trust that the rest will sort itself out friendship-wise.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      A couple suggestions:

      I know Saturdays were a big deal to me for a while. I needed A Plan for Saturdays. I didn’t feel this strongly about any other day. If this resonates with you, then one thing you can do is ONLY make plans with reliable people for Saturday. Decide this is YOUR day and you WILL be doing something. Pick people accordingly.

      You may find that once you have done what you need to do to keep yourself up and running, her cancelations will be less of an impact. So if you go this route, you may have the wiggle room to see where this puts your friendship with this person.

      For myself, I have noticed I do not need a ton of friends. Just a few friends who are constants in my life keep me PLENTY busy. My point here is try to make the thing about friendships less huge in your mind- try to remember that friendships require time and it won’t take a ton of people to fill up your open time slots.

      Another small activity that is good to do is decide to look around with fresh eyes. You probably have a person or more who is always friendly to you and you have not noticed. Take the time to notice the friendly people, especially ones who inquire about specifics such as how’s the pup or other relevant thing in your life.

      I think that moving forward involves changing what you are doing in some manner and probably tweaking what you are doing that you decide to keep doing. I am a fan of making one change at a time. Then I can see how that change is working out for me. There is a whole huge area between being mad and sitting back to do nothing. Try not to skate by that fact. Perhaps set a modest goal of making one small change a week in your life/activities and see how that goes.

      FWIW, it’s fine to be mad. If’s also fine to be conflicted about being mad because she’s human and no different than you or the rest of us in that regard. It’s fine to cry. Anger and tears often pair up with each other. I tend to believe that when an angry person cries then they are really dealing with the nuts and bolts of the matter. Anger can tend to be a crutch that prevents us from dealing with something that perhaps we need to deal with. So let the anger out (take a brisk walk if safe to do so), let the tears out and just accept that you are human and your emotions can be complex.

      1. MissGirl*

        You’re right about Saturdays. They are my one day to have fun so I if I make plans based on her then I’m a lot more disappointed than if it was a random Tuesday. I think I’ll not plan things with her on Saturday but invite her to group things. I am fine with a few friends but it seems like this is a repeat pattern with past friendships.

    7. Natalie*

      Not entirely disconnected thoughts/questions:

      “If I’m mad and express it, I’m hurting someone who’s depressed.” The metric is not, and cannot, be “does expressing this feeling hurt someone who’s depressed”. Lots of things can hurt other people through no fault of our own. *Especially* when we’re depressed! Obviously don’t rage at her, but I don’t think you should avoid saying you’re disappointed in some misguided effort to protect her mental health.

      In another comment you worry that continuing to reach out might bother her. Similarly, can that be her problem to solve?

      Given both of those worries are about how she might react, is it possible that you’re framing something else as worry about hurting her – don’t want her to think poorly of you, don’t want to become resentful, don’t want to inspire a more direct conversation that could be hurtful?

      Assuming you, ya know, actually enjoy her friendship, I think there’s value in trying to stay in touch even if this era isn’t one where you can get together. What about sending her mail occasionally? You don’t need to write out a long heartfelt letter, it could be a card you think she’d like, print out an old snapshot and send it, if you make art send a small art.

    8. Caroline Bowman*

      I’m afraid the depression thing sounds a bit like an excuse for flakiness.

      Obviously depression can lead to isolating oneself and being kind and understanding is or should be our default, but if she is doing stuff with her new boyfriend and her depression is such that she knows she won’t feel well a day in advance of something, then that sounds like flakiness.

      You did the right thing to say that when she finds herself able, she can give you a call and you can arrange something then. Your feelings and loneliness count too. You weren’t mean or nasty, you simply drew a boundary, a simple one of ”no it’s actually not okay because this keeps happening and in this case, I lost out on an opportunity to do something with other people, which doesn’t help *my* depression and loneliness”. You’re allowed to express your entirely reasonable feelings in a fair and polite way. Feeling depressed and low is not a blank checque to be regularly flaky. It just isn’t.

      Lean back and do things with those other people, be friendly and available for a chat as and when, but don’t reach out too much yourself. However much it is un-PC to say it, reciprocity is a requirement in most relationships. Not bean-counting, but a general sense of give and take.

    9. Frankie Bergstein*

      I struggle with this too, and something that helped me recently was advice from an NYT article. In particular, this list of characteristics that are needed as a foundation for close friendship hit home (and allowed me to back off of a friendship that had gone quiet):

      1. Create a foundation of security (hint: Answer that text)
      Before we can attempt closeness, we need to have security. Through his research, Dr. Levine has identified the five foundational elements of secure relationships, which he refers to as CARRP.

      Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)

      Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)

      Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)

      Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)

      Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)

      To find the article, please search for “How to Have Closer Friendships (and Why You Need Them)”

      2. Caroline Bowman*

        I love this list!! It’s absolutely true and right. It isn’t ”one thing” that makes someone a good bet to have as a friend, it’s a mix of things and of course varies over time and circumstance. I don’t, for example, expect someone who has just had a baby to be free to go out on a moment’s notice (non-pandemic times obv), while they might well have been the most spontaneous and available friend before. But it’s a trend over time that’s the thing to keep track of loosely.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Maybe you can meet up with the birdwatching friends after they’ve had a chance to see some, and take the puppy with you. Friends + lake + puppy is still a good outing! Not conducive to birdwatching, but a good add-on afterwards.

    11. MissGirl*

      Thanks for everyone’s advice. I think the hardest thing is I’ve lost so many friendships to either marriage (and they disappear) or me being the only one reaching out (so I drop my end and they disappear). It’s really, really hard to know that I’m in that same boat again.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, it’s sad how often that happens. Some people when they get married just can’t seem to keep singles in their social circle any more, it’s as if they’re afraid on some level that their partner will prefer their friend over them, or something. And given the number of cases where someone lost their partner and their best friend at the same time because the partner was unfaitful to them with the best friend, it’s not an entirely misplaced fear. Exaggerated, yes, but not completely irrational.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        You may find some relief by deciding that people come in and go out of our lives often. I like the saying, “Friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” The last type is very rare. The saying has helped me a lot. Just because a person has moved on does not automatically mean their involvement in our lives was without purpose. I like thinking about that. I sort of have this patchwork quilt of friendships that have somehow carried me through my days and through my seasons.

        You may find it helpful to wish well for those who have moved on. I know this sounds like a silly exercise. I did find it healing in some small ways- because, let’s face it, it hurts when people move on without even a good-bye. Oddly, I became more apt to believe that where ever they were they might be wishing me well, also.

        You could make a deliberate effort to enjoy the company of those around you for today. Staying more in current time and letting go of what the future might or might not hold may provide some relief also. Some nights I get myself to nod off to sleep by making lists of what I am grateful for. I see that spending more time appreciating who is active in my life today, can let me feel a peace or a contentment somehow.

        In short, just realizing that people enter and exit our lives is a normal life experience can be a good way to make life feel a little more balanced and a little less unpredictable.

    12. Tea and Sympathy*

      You say that you don’t want to lose this friend, so I think you need to figure out how to make this work for you.

      You got some good suggestions above on the flakiness thing, so I won’t add to that, except to say that I went through a period of depression/anxiety in the past and I was that flaky friend. I felt really bad about it, but I also sometimes just couldn’t make myself do things that I wanted to do and that I knew I would enjoy with people who I really like. I had one friend who was very good about inviting me places without pressure. She would tell me that she was going to do something at some specific time, and if I wanted to join her to just let her know, and even if I let her know yes, she would double check beforehand in a gentle and understanding way. Most of the time I did meet her, because the lack of pressure made it easier. I know things are hard for everyone now, but it’s possible that she is doing the best she can right now.

      My sister is chronically late. I used to get really annoyed with her. Then I finally decided that it was silly of me to always be inconvenienced when she was the one who was late, and silly to be annoyed when I knew she would be late. So I just started doing what I wanted to do, and then stopped when she showed up. So if she said she would be over in an hour, I would go ahead and run errands, each lunch, whatever I would have done anyway. It worked so much better than just waiting and getting angry. So for your walk, since your walk is about fresh air and exercise anyway, I would recommend just starting on your walk without her. When she gets there she can text you; she can start walking, you can turn around and come back and meet her, then you can go the rest of the way together – cheerfully. Don’t think of this as punishment. Or take a book or something else to do. But plan for what you want to do until she gets there.

      Finally, I have a few friends who never take the initiative in planning things, and even rarely in texting. I don’t know why this is. But when I really thought about it (I went through the normal process of wondering if they really valued our friendship), I realized that they let me know in other ways, much more subtle ways, that they valued our friendship – like remembering something important to me or just saying in some way that I was important to them. Sometimes things balance, but in different ways.

      Sorry this got so long! But non-toxic people that we really like are valuable, so I would give it some more time, while still being thoughtful about how you feel about the friendship.

      1. Sunday Fundays*

        I think this is good advice. The “reason, season, lifetime” quote has been so spot on in my life. I remember so many friends fondly, even if I haven’t talked to them in 10 or more years.

        I have been the flaky friend. And I’ve been the friend who has been flaked on. Sometimes friendship survive the break, sometimes they don’t. From talking with other friends and from my own experience friendship is cyclical and is going to have ups and down and different levels of interaction.

        I have some 20+ year friends I might talk to weekly at times and at other times we go 3 months without talking. I have some friends I have known for 2 years that are the same way. Kind of depends on where we are in our lives and what time of year it is.

        I also agree with Tea there are ways to reframe a changed friendship without losing it’s meaning. Maybe you go from doing everything together to only doing a few things. I am single and childless, and my friendships with people who start dating or have kids changes, but I have maintained friendships with these people and I still consider some my closest friends. Spending time =/= closeness. I just reset my own expectations. Knowing if the situation were reversed I would probably have to make changes as well.

        Best of luck with this OP!

        1. allathian*

          Yeah, I’ve also been the flaky friend (bad relationship and pre-breakup depression) and I’m very lucky in that I haven’t lost any friends because of this. There was also a period when all of my friends seemed to be dating, getting married, and settling down, and I was single. I’m glad that my friends never excluded me from any activities for that reason, but it did mean that there was a period in my life when I wanted to see my friends more often than they wanted to see me, but then I met my husband and we were more or less at the same stage in life, so being friends with them has been pretty effortless for years now. Before COVID we used to meet on average about once a month or so, and that was fine.

  7. tangerineRose*

    Do you have favorite sites to learn about birds? I’m mostly trying to learn more about the birds I see in my backyard (in the Pacific Northwest). Searching for “bird with brown stripes” doesn’t seem like it will work that well.

    1. chi chan*

      iNaturalist is a good app for all kinds of animals. If you post a picture of a bird their AI should give you a name. Otherwise one of the people on the site would id it.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      The free Merlin smartphone app is a fantastic resource for beginning birders. It’s customizable by area, and has an easy to use search function to narrow down the species (colour, shape, size, where you saw it), and then shows you pictures of possible matches.

      The eBird website/app is more comprehensive, but also great. It’s basically a giant database of birders’ reports with an interface that lets you search by region or hotspot, showing the most recently seen birds. Look at the bar chart tab to get plots of what birds you see at different times of year, and how likely they are in your region, click on birds to get species descriptions, pictures and sounds, see maps of where birds were seen…

      1. Generic Name*

        Seconding Merlin! It’s much easier to use than a traditional field guide (which requires you to be able to identify a bird to the family, which isn’t a beginner level skill).

        1. pancakes*

          The Audubon guide I mentioned doesn’t, fwiw – one of the reasons we find it so useful is that you can look up the bird by characteristics: is it gull-like, duck-like, is it a tree-clinging bird or a perching bird, etc.

    4. Cabbagepants*

      Welcome to birding! It’s a really fun hobby and can be very rewarding if you’re into nature or treasure-hunting type activities.

      Most US States have at least one Facebook group dedicated to birding in that state. I live in a pretty boring state and our FB Birding group is still amazing and really active. People welcome newbies and are really great about giving bird ID help.

      For other resources, I’d add the allaboutbirds website and Sibley if you want a physical book.

    5. pancakes*

      We mostly use the National Audubon Society Field Guide to Birds of North America for trying to ID birds, but there are lots of youtube live-stream feeder cams where people identify birds in the comments, and you might want to start there before investing in a book. Try searching for bird feeder cam live.

    6. GoryDetails*

      I usually go old-school, with the Peterson books – I’m on the east coast so I use the one for eastern birds, but there’s one for western birds as well. I prefer their illustrations to the photograph-styles of other guides, as it makes it easier for me to see the different markings.

      That said, even after many years of watching birds, the “little brown jobs” – the many varieties of small birds with similar shapes and colors – still evade me. “Probably a sparrow of some kind” is the best I can usually do, unless I get a REALLY clear view!

      For other resources, the Cornell Lab of Ornithology site has lots of info; don’t know if there’s a specific app referenced there but it should include some helpful bits.

      1. Generic Name*

        Just so you know, professional biologists have the same issue and we make jokes about it. If you don’t come back from a field survey without at least 1 “unknown” or “unknown sparrow” you’re probably making up at least some of your IDs :)

      2. MissCoco*

        I was just going to say Peterson!
        My partner got me one for Christmas, and it’s been great. Super user friendly once you get to the point where you can identify approximate types/body shapes, and I really like have it gives similar birds so I can cross reference if I’ve gotten them right

      3. AcademiaNut*

        The field guides can be a bit intimidating for the novice because they have *everything*. It takes a while to figure out what’s most likely in a particular time and place, which is where the apps are useful. I find that the apps aren’t too useful for me now that I’ve gotten better at IDing (plus, it’s only in the last year or two that English apps for my region have become available). These days, if I can’t ID a bird right off, I either didn’t get a close look at it, or it’s unusual enough not to pop up in the app, or I’m dealing with subtle distinctions between species or variations in juvenile/molting plumage.

        My stumbling block is seagulls. Multiple plumages, lots of hybridization, and often seen at a distance. Also the recent species splits based on DNA – they split the Arctic warbling into Arctic/Japanese Leaf/Kamachata Leaf warblers, with overlapping ranges, based on DNA, and the best way to tell them apart in the field is to… get a DNA sample.

    7. OyHiOh*

      I use the Audubon Society app on my phone. The “ID a Bird” function starts with the state you live in, and the month, and then you can select color(s), size, habitat, wing or tail shape, and flight pattern to narrow down the bird you saw. The information is extensive and includes the bird’s usual calls and their feeding and nesting habits. You can also record sightings of birds you’ve seen, with photos if you like.

    8. Sam I Am*

      The app birdnet is part of the Cornell lab, and it helps id the bird by call. You record it ( make sure your location is on in your phone) and it will show you a pic of the bird so you know what to look for. Much easier for me than starting to just look…and look…
      Good luck!

      1. Sam I Am*

        Also, when trying to id a bird from sight, try to notice beak, eye, and feet colors. This will help you narrow it down faster!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I didn’t download it after reading requests we not play mating calls during mating season, I’m that much a softie & that liable to fat-finger this phone.
        My favorite is my Sibley Guide to North American Birds because he even painted variations & cross breeds.
        I’ve been thinking about getting his regional guide for my area to save backpack space.

        1. Sam I Am*

          Good to know!
          I’ve only used it to ID birds, not to call them in closer. So I’m making the recording, not playing one. But if I want to play their recordings I’ll keep this info in mind!

    9. SwitchingGenres*

      Stokes guide in conjunction with googling “most common birds in X state.” I like Stokes bc they use photos, not drawings, and have multiple photos for each bird showing variations.

    11. Esmeralda*

      Lol, I had a friend in college who called those “California blah birds” — a large category. My MIL calls them LBJs — little brown jobs.

      You might start out with a small book on common or neighborhood birds of the Pacific Northwest. Setting up a feeder is a great way to get birds to hold still long enough to notice the significant characteristics. Until I got familiar with the birds in our neighborhood, I jotted down features I noticed and then looked them up. That helped me learn what to look for, also.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’ve been taking a lot of photos of the birds. My indoor-only cats also enjoy watching the birds and making those cute kitty noises.

  8. AcademiaNut*

    The free Merlin smartphone app is a fantastic resource for beginning birders. It’s customizable by area, and has an easy to use search function to narrow down the species (colour, shape, size, where you saw it), and then shows you pictures of possible matches.

    The eBird website/app is more comprehensive, but also great. It’s basically a giant database of birders’ reports with an interface that lets you search by region or hotspot, showing the most recently seen birds. Look at the bar chart tab to get plots of what birds you see at different times of year, and how likely they are in your region, click on birds to get species descriptions, pictures and sounds, see maps of where birds were seen…

  9. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    For me, it seems like the forseeable future will be filled with writing for The Thing That Shan’t Be Discussed On Weekends.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Also forgot to mention that as usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing, feel free to talk about any writing you wish.

    2. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Ugh. I just submitted a draft of an analysis section for part of my dissertation and got a ‘fail’ essentially – some fairly harsh feedback.

      I’m not shocked (they said it lacked clarity and well, I felt very unclear writing it, so that’s not surprising).

      I’m trying to focus on the fact that this is actually kind of good — I really felt uncertain about the direction I was going in and so if they had been positive/neutral, I’m not sure I would have gotten the material I need to actually build out the chapter more and be sure I’m on the right path. But I’ve never gotten such negative feedback in this context before and I’m feeling a bit deflated. And I’m feeling very worried that this submission has influenced their perspectives on me and now they’re thinking of me as someone who’s sloppy or lacks direction.

    3. International*

      I am starting with my first international writing client this week, and I am overwhelmed at all the choices to be made. How do I bill without getting hosed on the exchange rate? Do I need an LLC? My Googling fingers are really getting a workout.

      I’m a bit frustrated with myself for never having thought of this stuff before, but it was a referral, so it fell in my lap without notice.

    4. lemon meringue*

      I’m very excited about how my novel is coming along! I’ve been mulling it over for the last couple of years, but never made a really sustained effort at getting a rough draft on the page until this month, when I decided I was just going to write 2,000 words a day until it was done. So far I’m 24,000 words in and it’s actually going much more smoothly than I expected. I hate first drafts normally, but this is a project that I’m really excited about.

  10. Zooey*

    Boring but useful question – anyone got experience with microwave steamers? I currently use an electric steamer for all my veggies and I love the way they come out, but the one I have leaks. In general I find the electric steamers also emit a lot of steam into the kitchen. I was thinking about a microwave steamer as they seem more compact (space is at a premium in my kitchen) and all the steam would be contained in the microwave. Do they give the same sort of results? I’m a little wary because presumably the food is being both steamed and microwaved at the same time.

    If you have a good one of a specific brand, that would be useful to hear too!

    1. Dee*

      I have ones, will share link below, that are silicone containers without a separate steaming basket. I don’t have experience with an electric one (and apologies if I’m repeating a lot that is basic with an electric steamer!) to compare it to, but mine gives good results. I’ve used it mainly for good-quality-frozen veg and frozen shrimp. Put in directly to from frozen with a bit of water (amount of water can take trial and error but mine came with an instructional booklet) and microwave til desired firmness. My peas come out so well. Broccoli, the stems cook at a different pace from the heads but that’s par for the course with broccoli. If you are trying to recreate fresh steamed shrimp this won’t do it but it’s close.

      If I’m not sure on the water amount I use more water than I think I might need, and dump it out after. I don’t put seasonings or fats in as it steams because it’s easier to clean, and easier to dump extra water.

    2. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      I no longer own a microwave, but I had good luck with the microwave steamer when I did. Personally, I always erred towards a few minutes less than I might have on the stove, but otherwise it was the same! (I also don’t have experience with electric steamers so can’t compare on that level).

    3. Holly the spa pro*

      I highly recommend an instapot for veggie steaming. It truly is an all in one. I use it for almost everything.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I don’t own an Instant Pot but from what I know of it, it doesn’t seem like it would be good for steaming? The pressure cooking aspect means veggies are likely to overcook fast.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          This has been my experience – it’s really easy to massively overcook veggies in an instant pot. Like, two minutes makes asparagus inedible.

      3. Holly the spa pro*

        There is a setting specifically for steaming and it works great. It has a little tray you can put inside that hold the veggies away from the water or you can use a litle metal or silicone basket in there. I used mine last night to steam tamales.

        Dont get me wrong, the manual pressure cooking works great for other things. It makes boiled eggs that peel perfectly in 3 minutes.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Funny – I just use my microwave to zap the veggies directly, as the result is pretty close to steaming them. I may add a tiny bit of water to the bowl the veggies are in, but I don’t bother with anything more than that. Don’t know if that’s helpful or not, but that’s my experience.

      1. Anono-me*

        I microwave veggies with a little bit of water also, but I cover the dish with plastic wrap. I really like how they turn out. It is a trick a pro chef friend taught me.

      2. Zooey*

        That is helpful in terms of thinking about results. I’ve never really made that much use of my microwave but have found myself with an unexpectedly big one so thinking I should try and take advantage!

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I love my microwave vegetable steamer. It’s fast, easy to clean and the steam stays in the steamer so it won’t heat up your kitchen or get steam everywhere.
      I use it primarily with fresh broccoli, carrots, etc but it also works well with frozen veggies.

    6. *daha**

      I have one from Sistema. I’ve only ventured to put veggies in it – generally cut up fresh broccoli or cauliflower, sometimes frozen corn or other veggies. Typically it holds enough for two hungry people. I usually give it 7 minutes and it will steam the food soft. I haven’t tried for crisp.

    7. Otter Dance*

      The steam is contained in the microwave until you open the door. But any cooker will release it eventually. I don’t mind, because dry winter air, right?
      Myself, I just use a small bowl for the food inside a larger shallow bowl (or pie pan) for the water. Nothing special.
      Unless the Instant Pot is already out – but I won’t haul that out for a few veggies.

      1. Zooey*

        I don’t mind steam in the kitchen as a whole but with the electric one it sits right under my cupboards and so the steam is going directly onto those rather than out into the general atmosphere. The microwave is better positioned!

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    I’m still doing some old Humongous Entertainment games, because nostalgia.
    In other news…CD Projekt Red is having a really bad time lately, isn’t it?

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Forgot to mention that as usual this thread isn’t limited to video games, feel free to talk about any games you wish. Also feel free to ask for recommendations or help identifying a vaguely remembered childhood favourite.

    2. Garden Pidgeons*

      I hadn’t seen the source code hack! Gosh.

      I’m replaying Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations, although I’m having to be pretty careful about saving because my 3DS keeps closing the game every time I put it in sleep mode…

    3. English, not American*

      I recently have been dithering over whether to buy Pokemon Let’s Go Eevee (I know, I’m behind the times). On the one hand, Pokemon Red was basically my childhood and I seriously want a newer Kanto remake. On the other hand, the “Let’s Go” aspect changes the entire core premise of the game and while the demo was fun I don’t know if a whole game of it would be. I also haven’t kept up with the core games since Gen III, though I got the Soul Silver and Alpha Sapphire remakes, and I did play Pokemon Go for a while, but lost interest as completing the pokedex became more impossible. Any old-school Pokemon fans have opinions on the “Let’s Go” games?

      1. Fushi*

        I enjoyed Let’s Go Pikachu a lot! Interacting with your partner all the time and putting little hats on it is really fun lol. The new mechanics for catching Pokemon are an adjustment, but I didn’t find them significantly more boring after hours of gameplay than the old “punch it hard but not TOO hard” style (ymmv if you do want to fill the whole Pokedex). My main complaint is that you can’t search trash cans anymore :(

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Eh, buying the newest shiny thing tends to be overrated in my experience so don’t worry about “being behind on the times”. Protects the wallet a bit, too!
        Also I’m gonna tag along on this one to see what others think of the Let’s Go games.

    4. Office Grunt*

      Been jamming more Historic, since MTGO is a dumpster fire.

      The upcoming Uro ban made me giddy, as did the V-Day Secret Lair.

    5. Hamish*

      I got Chinese Parents in Steam’s lunar new year sale and stayed up until 1 AM last night finishing my first play through. Cute life sim type game with some well-designed mechanics.

    6. HamlindigoBlue*

      I got an email that a few games on my Steam wishlist went on sale, so I just bought Deadbolt and the Call of Cthulhu. I’m still working through Sherlock Holmes Crimes & Punishments. I think I need to start sending Steam emails related to wishlist items on sale to a different folder so I stop buying more games. I’ve got enough in my library as it is that I haven’t had time to play, so it seems kind of silly to add to it. -But I picked up 2 titles for $11. Did I need them? No. I have the same problem with books and yarn.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Ooh, I just finished Crimes and Punishments, hope you have fun with it!
        And yeah, I understand that feeling. It’s one of the reasons why I go physical when I can – the sales tend to be less big and I’m limited to what I can physically fit onto my shelves.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      I’ve been playing Lego Star Wars The Force Awakens. I bought the game new but it has a major glitch: the visuals go black on several of the missions. This means I can’t collect the required gold bricks to do other big missions nor complete the game.
      On the bright side, it’s made doing my taxes fun by comparison!

    8. Dan*

      I’m… kind of glad that CDPR is having a tough go at it. It’s not schadenfreude for me, and the hacking doesn’t factor in to this, but my take is on the colossal failure that is CP2077.

      Why am I glad (in some way) to see that one tank? Because of the way it’s been managed. Lots of people look at video game development as a “sexy” career. But the working conditions inside gaming studios these days are far from glamorous. Many studios are trying to squeeze every last dollar out of their labor costs, which dictates long hours with little time away from work. CDPR in particular claimed they weren’t going to do that to their developers…. and they turned around and did that to their developers. (For those unfamiliar, google “crunch” and video game development.)

      And TBH, this isn’t good for the consumer either. These days, digital downloads allow a company to push a buggy product and patch it after release. Yet, on launch, the studios are going to want full price for their game, because you gotta make money you know. So they actually end up creating a paradox for themselves when it comes to the non-hardcore gamers. People like me who have way more games than we’re ever going to play (remind me why we bought them in the first place?) and other things to do with life can afford to wait a bit. I buy many games on sale, and coincidentally, after they’ve been out and been through a few bug fixes. In the long run, I’m paying less for a better product. As this type of development strategy becomes mainstream, then Day 1 buyers are essentially paying *a premium* to be beta testers. That may feel like a good business model in the short run, but in the long run, more people will wait, pay less, and get a finished product. I donno about the rest of you, but if I’m paying a premium (e.g., full price) I want a working product.

      The *only* way there can be any change is for the bank account to take a hit. For this reason, I’m glad to see *the management* at CDPR take a financial hit.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yeah, I feel the same regarding digital downloads, but of course when you say that you’re a dinosaur stuck in the past *eyeroll*. Luckily there’s more than enough functioning games out there.

    9. Nicki Name*

      I’ve just learned to play Thurn & Taxis and St. Petersburg on Board Game Arena.

      I’ve also just heard the news that Asmodee is buying BGA.

      I’m chugging along through a Blue Lions playthrough of Fire Emblem: Three Houses. I have it turned up to hard, but none of the fights have actually been hard until I started on the paralogues. I’ve got my main character up to A+ professor level at halfway through the first arc thanks to points accumulated in my previous playthroughs (Silver Snow and Verdant Wind). It sure is nice to be able to do all the things on exploration days, at least.

      1. Stepher*

        I hear you! I got mine in August so was about six months behind but am still glad I got it. I am on version 3.0 of my island, keep moving my residents, and still play almost every day. Its more fun if you have at least one person to share recipes with, etc. but you can do it!

        1. LGC*

          It’s literally my first entry into the Animal Crossing series, so I’m still in the newborn “learning how everything works” phase. I’m trying to convince some of my friends to pick it back up.

          My best friend’s wife still plays regularly, it seems? I mentioned that I managed to pick up a refurbished unit for $260 and she immediately was like, “LET ME HELP YOU LIKE THE NEWBORN CHILD YOU ARE.”

      2. SofiaDeo*

        Heroes of Might & Magic V! I specifically kept a PC on Windows XP for years, just to play that game. It works on the Windows 10 update, but my (gaming) laptop runs really hot. I have also had the Mac version, but it was really buggy.

    11. Amaranth*

      My daughter just bought me a copy of Minecraft, which I somehow never got into when it came out, but I’m a big resource hoarder so it looks like a good game for decompressing.

  12. Anonollama*

    I think- although this is sort of work related- it suits the weekend thread better since the focus is health not work. (If you’d prefer this on the work thread, Alison, that’s ok & I’ll repost next week.)

    Question for people who’ve struggled with mental health issues or burnout that significantly restricted your life & prevented you from working/volunteering/etc for a time: What did you look for during recovery as signs that you were ready to start trying to get back to more regular life stuff (including job searching/etc)? What signs of recovery helped you know you were doing well enough to move into next stages?

    If it helps, my focus is more on figuring how to avoid getting stuck in a cycle of never challenging myself for fear of pushing too much too soon.

    1. Dee*

      Regarding your second paragraph, it was all about needing health insurance (US). But about your last paragraph, I think it could maybe help to identify some goals, then break them down to very small steps. (eg “open a browser tab with linkedin” might be a whole step)

      You can always do a ton of steps at once when you feel like it! And if not, you might not be as prone to over reach if the steps are small.

    2. Asenath*

      Small steps. I’m terrible with the kind of plan-and-reward setup that so many people find useful, because when I’m not well I tend to exaggerate the importance of any kind of failure to get the reward – including the type where I wouldn’t try very hard because I just knew I couldn’t do it. But I do like planning and organizing. I cut out the reward business made little plans (‘Today I am going for a walk”), noticed what stopped me – for anything exercise related or stressful, like “Today I will check for new jobs, and, if I find a possibility, apply” doing it first thing in the morning worked best. The only reward I would give myself would be allowing myself to have the rest of the day “off”, guilt-free, or even acknowledging to myself “I’m on a walk! Isn’t it nice?” As I slowly managed to achieve more of a balance – some exercise, some job-hunting (and later, work, and leisure activities), I felt more and more confident about getting back to a “regular” life. I didn’t look for signposts, I just thought about the next few hours, having decided what might be healthy for me – “I will walk”. “I will see my counsellor”. “I will make one phone call to one friend I’ve been ignoring” etc

    3. Gamer Girl*

      Looking out the window and thinking it was a beautiful day, instead of thinking that it was a perfect day to stay in bed and sleep.

      Picking up a book and actually wanting to read.

      Told my doctor and he prescribed some meds (not the antipsychotics that I probably need, but the act of taking what is basically a placebo pill daily is surprisingly helpful)

      Also, I noticed that this started happening more and more as I drastically reduced my consumption of news media (I asked my sister to block my sites and give me a highlights reel at the end of day rather than reading it all myself. Can’t tell you how much is helped to go cold turkey!)

      Making plans for my creative work, rather than feeling I was a total failure.

      Basically, just slowly having the will to live again. Still in progress, but I can feel an overall shift towards “this is better. I feel surprisingly good”

      1. The cat's pajamas*

        Find something low commitment and low effort that will let you test the waters. For example, I want to get back into crafting which is usually energizing but I’m having a hard time getting the energy to get started, unusual for me. I purchased a tiny painting kit, for “kids” which helped. I could make a painting, feel accomplished and like I completed something, but it only took a couple hours. When I’m inspired, I can keep going and make another or work on a different project. If not, I still got to do something and can put aside until next time.

    4. Firefly*

      I remembered my aunt telling me that my toddler wouldn’t go to college in diapers. This is relevant, I promise. So I picked an arbitrarily distant time in the future (2032, btw) and outlined what I hoped a typical day might look like for me then, assuming all other aspects of my life were the same. This felt doable, because after all I had all that time to get there. It included things like shower, dress, blow-dry hair, eat yogurt, work on my thesis for 60 minutes, go for a walk, all the way to go to bed at ten pm. Then the next day or picked one thing from that day and committed to doing it. I honestly think it was eat yogurt for breakfast. When I only had hard things left, I worked on them with my therapist, and she helped me add more things to a typical week list. It was only six years ago, and it feels like forever ago. I can’t even remember what it was really like to feel that stuck. Best wishes

    6. Rose*

      For me, it has been starting to feel bored. When I no longer felt happy watching grays anatomy all day every day, I felt ready. Also weirdly feeling like I’m loosing structure. When this was good for me I planned my days a lot better.

  13. Potatoes gonna potate*

    For those of you who have received the COVID vaccine, did you need to be cleared by a doctor prior to it? My husband and I are in disagreement over it. I have the option of either going to the expo center now or at my doctors office later to get it. I’ve tried googling it but didn’t get a solid answer.

    To expand on it for context, I registered back in January and waited for the invitation to make an appt. While waiting my new doctor office asked if my mother and I wanted it. I said yes. We are now scheduled for a week from Tuesday. When trying to schedule it, the front desk rep said anyone getting the vaccine has to be seen by a doctor.

    The same day, I received the link to make an appt at one of the large centers. They had availability for this Monday so I took it. Seeing as how the appts were for every 10-15 minutes (forget the exact interval now), I imagine they will not be asking for a comprehensive medical history nor will a doctor be doing any examination or checking.

    This is where my husband and I are in disagreement about it. I guess I am a little unsure as to whether medical clearance is truly needed or if this is something differing by state.

    1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      I’m in the UK and did not have to be cleared by my doctor prior to getting the vaccine.

    2. KAZ2Y5*

      I am in the USA and did not have to be cleared. I got the vaccine at the hospital I work at, and my eligible family members got it through our county health dept. In all 3 cases they just took medical info and their policy was if anyone had previously had severe allergic reactions to anything then you would need to wait 30 minutes after instead of 15.

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It sounds like the front desk rep meant that anyone getting the vaccine at their office had to be seen by that doctor. Which would just be their policy, for whatever reason. It could be something as simple as they want to restrict appointments to established patients. I had a doc once who offered the flu shot at every fall check up but didn’t advertise it– they only administered to patients with appointments. Now, granted, the COVID vaccine is a different beast, but I still think that’s a specific and not general “policy.” I mean, think about it– if everyone getting vaccinated needed a doc appt, the rollout would be even slower and more limited than it is now.

        2. The teapots are on fire*

          There’s also a limited supply of vaccines each doctor’s office gets and they want to get them to their patients, who are counting on it. The limited supply of vaccines is a huge constraint. For a while our county was only vaccinating people who didn’t have primary care doctors at clinics that had been getting vaccines allocated, for the same reason of scarceness. It’s just all kinds of mess.

      2. RagingADHD*

        It’s probably the difference between a public-health vaccination drive, and a medical practice.

        If you receive services in a practice, the doctor has an ongoing relationship & duty of care that a public health drive does not.

      3. PT*

        It’s a DEA rule in the US that doctors can’t prescribe anything to a patient they have not seen in a year. I have run into this- needing to make an annual appointment with a doctor for a simple prescription refill, like an asthma inhaler- and I have also run into it with my cat, who gets a monthly flea/heartworm preventative.

        It may be the doctor’s office considers a vaccine to be a prescription, and thus you must have an appointment with the doctor if you haven’t been seen in the last year.

    4. Choggy*

      My husband, who is a nurse, received his shots at the hospital where he works and did not need any kind of sign-off, and he’s 60 years old with no medical issues. There are a list of questions they ask before you receive the shot to try and avoid any issues (e.g. allergic reactions). Do you or your mother have any specific medical issues that are worrying your husband? I’ve not seen any recommendations to be cleared by your doctor prior to receiving the vaccination but understand he’s probably concerned because it’s new.

    5. Friedeggplant*

      I’m a doctor in the US. You do not need a doctor’s appointment before getting your COVID vaccine.

      Your doctor’s office may be trying to make sure they can bill for a full physical exam and the vaccine, which is why they are requiring all patients to be seen by the MD before getting the vaccine. If you can get it earlier at the public vaccination site, go there.

      1. KeinName*

        I agree, probably a way to bill the visit. I‘m in a European country and my partner received his shot from a doctor at his work but just handed over a signed form where he indicated illnesses. Took 2 minutes. I have an autoimmune disease and my doctor told me ‚just don’t go get it when you feel under the weather‘, so I suppose no examination necessary to get it.

      2. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Yes, they did tell us since we’re new patients it’d have to be either a physical or sick visit. Physical is covered for my mom’s insurance but sick visit isn’t fully covered yet. Mine are covered. we both need to be seen by a doctor for various health issues. I had already registered so I took the chance but my mom had refused it at first so I never registered her.

    6. Global Cat Herder*

      It’s just the policy of that office. Could be to restrict it to existing patients, could be to make sure they get an office visit fee out of it, but it’s not because it’s medically necessary. (Wanting to get some money out of it is not a bad thing, btw. Individual doctor offices won’t be in business long if they spend all their limited resources on giving shots for free to everyone who wanders in off the street. Those large centers, otoh, that’s explicitly what they’re meant to do.)

      1. Gatomon*

        I thought that vaccine providers were allowed to bill for an administrative fee to help cover the costs of administering the vaccine? (At least in the US.) I’m scheduled at a public clinic tomorrow and they requested I bring my health insurance information so they could bill them an administration fee. I know some counties in my state are waiving the administrative fee for everyone, while others are charging everyone. My county only waives it if you are uninsured.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          My understanding is they are allowed to bill your insurance an administration fee for the vaccine. They are not allow to bill individuals for either the vaccine itself or its administration.

          1. Gatomon*

            I found the local article I read a few weeks back – it appears it was based on a clinic charging the administrative fee and it’s not clear whether the patient actually had to pay that upfront, or if their insurance was billed and that was the charge they saw. It does say that insurance providers can’t pass the charge on in the form of copays and that they aren’t denying anyone uninsured who can’t pay. Not the greatest article.

            I just got my dose at a public vaccination clinic and at no point was I asked for any payment, though they did take my insurance info (as expected, as I am insured).

        2. Pharmgirl*

          Yes, the government is only providing the vaccine itself for free. The large expo near me specifically says they bill your insurance for the admin free. I provided my insurance, so I have no idea if they are waiving anyone that wasn’t able to.

    7. Asenath*

      I would expect that it’s a local policy (that is, requiring a doctor’s clearance before vaccination) rather than something that’s medically required.

    8. Person from the Resume*

      My parents found the earliest appointment through a nearby healthcare system that they are not a part of long before their local provider was offering it. They had to fill out a history online before the drive through vaccine appointment. If they hadn’t they would have had to give their history before getting the vaccine. I’m sure it’s pretty brief most focused on allergic reactions.

      Soon pharmacies like Walgreens and CVS will be offering like they do the flu shot so a doctor/your doctor permission not required.

    9. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      In the UK but under specialist medical management for an ongoing condition. I was advised to get it ASAP, but during the off-week from my meds that suppress my immune system, so I had the highest immunity possible for me right now. After the shot I did ask to sit for 15 minutes just in case, but I was fine.

      1. Majnoona*

        US. Got my second Moderna today. Didn’t have to see my doctor. A zillion of us were getting it. There was a doctor present and nurses but aside from a few online questions didn’t have to do anything.

    10. JustEm*

      Here we did not need to get cleared. Or I should say in general people don’t need to get cleared — I’m pregnant, and I was required to have asked my OB provider about it first (or say that I had – no proof required)

    11. AnonoDoc*

      Unless you have had a serious immediate reaction to a drug, there really aren’t contraindications at this point.

    13. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Thank you everyone for hte input. I think my instinct was correct that the medical clearance is the specific office policy and nto generally for the vaccine.

    14. RussianInTexas*

      I had my second dose yesterday at my city’s mass vaccination centers, and no clearance was required. They didn’t even asked for an ID, just your schedule confirmation QR code, vaccination card, and some minimal paperwork. You didn’t even had to have insurance or the insurance info/card.

    15. Grammalammadingdon*

      I’m in the US & eligible because of age. I received my 1st shot at a small state-sponsored location & did not need any type of medical clearance. (Second shot scheduled for this week.)

  14. Book Recs*

    I’m looking for books set in small town Midwest, by authors from the area, that gives a nuanced portrait of what life’s like there. Preferably middle brow stuff, not genre fiction.

    Anyone? Anyone?

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        I love that book! Her other stuff plays around with the same themes and character types but And the Ladies of the Club really hits it out of the park.

    3. Astoria*

      “Praise the Human Season” by Don Robertson. It takes place 1972, about an elderly man looking back at his life and marriage. Set in small-town southern Ohio.

    4. CTT*

      I’m not sure if you’re looking for a nonfiction, but a few of the essays in Brian Phillips’ collection “Impossible Owls” are about where he grew up in Oklahoma. The last essay (“But Not Like Your Typical Love Story”) is the one that’s the most about Ponca City and it made me feel like I was there.

    5. Io*

      Marilynne Robinson’s Gilead series is a remarkable intimate and nuanced portrait of a small town in Iowa. I’ve only read the first one, but it was my favorite book I’ve read in years. Stunningly beautiful writing. And she’s lived in Iowa for decades.

      1. Pond*

        It might not be exactly what OP is looking for but I really enjoyed *Lila*. I haven’t yet read
        Marilynne Robinson’s other books.

    7. fposte*

      If you’re okay with YA (not fantasy), I really loved Will Leitch’s Catch, set in Mattoon, Illinois.

      I was trying to find another book I was vaguely remembering and it turns out that if you type “flyover country” into Amazon there are a lot of interesting book results.

    10. pancakes*

      Dawn Powell is one of my favorite writers and is often characterized as a great chronicler of NYC life, but she was from the Midwest (Ohio), and one of her best books, Dance Night, is set there.

    11. Midwestern kid*

      Jon Hassler — I haven’t read his newer books, but his older novels are set in small towns in Minnesota. And now that I see he has written more books since I last read him, I am going to check them out!

      1. Gamer Girl*

        Yep, Kitchens of the Midwest by Stradal is incredible! (I read it based on Allison’s recommendation list. Loved it!)

    13. Jackalope*

      Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine is exquisite. It has some fantastical elements but is not a fantasy book per se. It’s about his experiences as a boy growing up in a small mid-west town and I loved it.

    15. Anono-me*

      Not books but..

      The Prairie Home Companion is a radio show with a humorous twist on small town midwest life; but there are concerns about the Host’s personal conduct.

      I also found the TV show Corner Gas to be a little exaggerated but pretty close.

        1. Natalie*

          Yes, Minnesota Public Radio (which owns the archives) made them available again a couple of years ago.

          (NB: Keillor was already retired when MPR ended their relationship with him and changed the shows name.)

    16. Rick Tq*

      the “Chronicles of Luna City” series by Celia Hayes is up to 9 books now. They are set in a small Texas town and focus on the life and times of an ex-celebrity British chef, the extended and intertwined Gonzales/Gonzalez clan, and assorted local characters. The locale comes in to play occasionally but it isn’t about cows/cowboys or oil.

    17. Professor Plum*

      Fannie Flagg writes really fun books with great characters from small towns. Perhaps a bit further south than Midwest, but her stories are heart-warming and funny.

    20. Overbooked*

      Not a title, but a tool to try out: the library database NoveList Plus’ advanced search feature lets you limit by geographical setting. It’s a little cumbersome, but has improved over time, and has led me to some good finds. (It’s not limited to fiction, and its “read-alike” feature is worth a shot for kids as well as adults.)

  15. Me*

    Anyone get hit with the unemployment scam? (Not quite work related- at least I don’t think, but delete if you disagree!)

    My HR department notified me a week ago that an unemployment claim had been filed in my name. I’ve been jumping through various hoops since then. No idea where/when/how my personal info leaked out but it’s a pain. Only time I’ve been grateful to get an email from HR.

    Supposedly this is a nation wide thing, just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this one yet? If so, maybe someone can speak to the one year fraud alert vs the 7 year fraud alert?

    1. Loopy*

      My father got hit with it. I told him to report the identity fraud but don’t know what happened after that. I got the sense he wasn’t concerned enough about the implications after he filled out the form reporting it. I’m going to follow up with him today on it.

    2. nep*

      Heard of this the other day on NPR. What a shock it must be for people to receive tax forms in the mail for the thousands they ‘received’ in unemployment benefits. Wow.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Yes, my husband did. His workplace provided resources to deal with it. He had to notify the state (which was also notified by the employer) and froze his credit account. I’m glad you brought this up, so I remember to mention it to my tax preparer.

    4. fposte*

      Yup. It seems like more than half of my workplace (state U) did, so the guidance from HR came out before it got to me, and I received my claim denial in the same mail as my debit card.

      My guess is this is from the Equifax breach—it’s so widespread that that makes more sense to me than a bunch of local breaches. I have my credit frozen from an earlier identity theft, so I don’t worry about fraud alerts.

    5. Hamish*

      I’m a public accountant in Ohio and not only have tons of our clients been getting hit, apparently there have been two unemployment claims filed for people who are still working at the firm. Total PITA for everyone.

      I’ve been sending people the link to report it, and advising them to review their credit report and freeze their credit.

    6. Lizy*

      My mom did in Kansas. She’s retired so the company knew immediately. She said her company had like 150+ false claims. (They probably have about 250 current employees.)

    7. Dan*

      No, I hadn’t heard of that one.

      The thing that drives me most nuts about all of this stuff is that when it intersects with money that people need, in the long run, it creates more bureaucratic hoops to jump through to get that need… or it turns out to be a big time waste.

      I’m pretty sure I got caught up in a scam where somebody was trying to collect an income tax refund on my behalf last year. I had filed and paid my taxes (no refund) at the extended deadline in the summer, and then in November I got a letter from the IRS saying that they needed to verify some information about my identity in order to “continue” processing my return. Part of that process required calling an 800 number and digging up old tax forms. That 800 number? It will not let you in the queue if the demand is high enough. It took me three days to get through.

      When I did get through, they said I was “randomly” selected. Uh huh. I say uh huh for two reasons. First, all of the messaging associated with that information request was all about “my refund” as if that could be the only possible reason somebody got flagged/was calling. There was no option for people with a “balance due” or whatever.

      Second, from a fraud risk standpoint, my tax filings are so straight forward it’s not even funny. I’ve lived at the same address for the last ten years, I have one W2 job, and no other income/deductions. Plus I’ve always owed (intentionally) for the past five years or so. So to flag me for a “random” check, to then have me stuck in a phone queue I can’t even get into? Total waste of everybody’s time.

    8. OyHiOh*

      I got hit to
      In my case, I’ve been dealing with sporadic issues related to probable identity theft about a year ago. My org’s bookkeeper got an unemployment claim, supposedly in my name, sent from state DLE. She told my boss (bookkeeper works remote, boss and I have private offices in a downtown suite), boss told me. I confirmed to bookkeeper that it was fraud and when she filled out the questionaire, she indicated it was fraud, and then sent me a link to report it from my end as well.

      My credit is already locked down already because of the probable identity theft, and I subscribe to a monitoring service.

    9. Dumpster Fire*

      I got hit with it a couple months ago. I went onto the state website where they had a form to report the fraud and filled that out; put a few extra alerts onto my bank and credit card accounts; changed some passwords. Then I got a call from the HR office at work saying that they had received paperwork related to an unemployment claim in my name, who told me to call my local police department. Police told me to put a freeze on my credit so I did that. I haven’t seen any issues or problems although I guess the next time I need a loan I’ll need to unfreeze my credit.

    10. DataGirl*

      A friend did, and since her employer didn’t catch it and money was paid out to the scammer the Unemployment office went after her- wanting the money paid back. Last I heard she spent days on the phone trying to get through to a human with no luck. I’m not sure how that kind of thing proceeds or if people can be stuck paying back money they didn’t receive?

    12. Dinoweeds*

      YUP. It happened to me a couple weeks ago, luckily my HR dept caught it right away and I filed the reports as well as froze my credit. Finally got an email from them the other day saying they were investigating my claim.

    13. Sunrise*

      Yes, happened to me as well. In my case, I found out when I went to file for unemployment. I couldn’t file because a scammer had already submitted a claim. I’ve been working with my state unemployment folks but it’s been a total disaster. You have to speak with them via phone, but it can take hours to get thru. They were supposed to stop the payments to the scammer after the first time that I called and while they worked out that I was actually entitled. But they didn’t. So now I’m going to receive a 1099 for unemployment that I never got and be expected to pay taxes on the amount. And I still can’t get my own benefits because they keep messing up getting my paperwork to the unemployment fraud people to clear me so I can file a legit claim.

      1. Natalie*

        You are not expected to pay taxes on fraudulent UI benefits collected under your name, please don’t do that! Link from the IRS in a reply.

  16. The Other Dawn*

    Question for the writers here: what tips do you have for writing an introduction to a blog post? (Or really any kind of writing.) I keep a personal blog and I normally don’t have a problem starting a post; however, I need to write something for a professional blog and can’t figure out how to start.

    I’ve been going to a personal trainer once a week since 2016. I started, because I’d had weight loss surgery about two years prior and wanted to get in shape for skin removal surgery (tummy tuck with muscle repair). Plus, I really needed the accountability. My trainer is now part of a body transformation business and is one of their many online coaches. I recently joined a free 12-week fitness challenge, which is run by the company, as a way to motivate myself to lose some weight I’d gained last year.

    My trainer asked me a couple weeks ago if I’d be interested in writing a blog post for the company’s blog, and he’d also interview me. He wants me to write about my weight loss journey: what led me to my highest weight, all the different diets I tried, my decision to have weight loss surgery, life afterwards, recovery from back surgery, and anything else related. The writing isn’t the problem, since I’ve written many pages over the last few years (I was thinking of writing a book so I just started writing it all down one day) and can pull much of the information from there. It’s the intro. Typically when I can’t come up with an intro, I will write the body and then write the intro and conclusion afterwards. But I’m coming up empty on this one. Anyone have tips or techniques that might make this easier?

    1. Nela*

      Readers who are interested in the topic often entirely skip the intro, so what you write there can be completely utilitarian:

      – Give a short summary of the results you have, followed by “in this article I’ll explain what we did to achieve it”. That’s it.

      – Start with a question (or several) that people often think about regarding this topic, and “I’ll answer those questions, and more, in this article”.

      My intros on professional articles are usually one paragraph long, sometimes two. They’re there to say “this is what the article is about”.

      1. Dan*

        Totally with you on skipping the intro.

        When I come across listicles with a headline that draws my attention, I really don’t care why the topic is being written about at that moment. I really care about the content of that list. Sometimes I am astounded as to how much was written to preface the list. (And no, I didn’t read it.)

        Same with online recipes, which drive me nuts. If I’ve got something I want to cook, I might look at four or five recipes to get a sense as to how different people are approaching that.

        Except… these days, everybody is burying the actual ingredients way at the bottom of a very long post designed to attract ad dollars. I get it, I don’t begrudge them that. But it ends up wasting a lot of my time as I’m trying to get to the part I actually want.

        I’ve gone back to buying Kindle versions of cookbooks. I stick them in my shopping list, and they often go on sale for super cheap, so I get them then.

        1. Nela*

          I was thinking about recipes too, I don’t think anyone who searches for the topic will read the introduction :) People who are subscribed to the RSS feed or newsletter and have a more personal relationship with the blogger may read it, but 9 times out of 10 I just scan for the actual content.

          1. ampersand*

            Yes! The 15 paragraphs prior to the recipe drive me up the wall. I scroll down to find the recipe. Better yet is a “jump to recipe” link.

            I do appreciate that there’s a reason for this content, and I’m obviously not the target audience if I’m not reading the content!

        2. Professor Plum*

          On a desktop you can usually install a browser extension that will skip the fluff and bring the recipe to the forefront—you can always choose to read the intro if you want. Google recipe extension and the name of the browser that you use.

    3. WellRed*

      Ahh, my advice was to write the body, but I see that’s already one of your tried and trues. How about talking it out with someone about what you might want to say?

    4. Liz B*

      I teach a Public Speaking course, and for something like a blog, it may be helpful to treat it somewhat like a speech and open with an “attention-getter,” something to draw the audience’s interest. Since you’re writing a human interest/slice-of-life kind of testimonial, maybe a short but meaningful anecdote. Without knowing any of the details of your fitness journey, I might give an example like this: “(Trainer) picked up 2 25 lb plates and turned to me and smiled. “You’re ready,” they said. I never thought I’d be a person who casually threw around words like “deadlift” or “WOD,” but here I am, staring down an Olympic bar and 50-plus pounds of weight and (trainer) is right: I am ready.”

      I really love when my students open with something like this, an anecdote or fun fact. Depending on the mood you’re going for, it can be semi-serious (like my example) or funny or inspirational. Just something that opens the door to the body of your blog thematically that also grabs the reader’s attention.

        1. Liz B*

          Yep, we use hook and attention-getter interchangeably! It’s an intro college course, so the jargon is all new to them.

    5. Sooda Nym*

      Can you read some other blogs with similar types of posts and see how those started? I’m not saying copy what they did, but observe what makes them work (or not) and use those styles/strategies with your content. I wonder if you are thinking of this genre as different from what you’d usually do, but if you read some other blogs, you might find it’s not that different, and have more confidence that your own style will work.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I always try to start with a hook. You’re not writing legal analysis or something that is supposed to be extremely academic. It’s a personal story, so start with a story hook.

      The “in medias res” of a crisis moment or decision moment, followed by a “how I got here” flashback, is tried and true for a reason. It works.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Thank you to those who have responded so far!

      The post will be about my lifelong struggle with obesity, why I decided to have weight loss surgery, how things have gone since surgery, weight regain, and things like that. What I really want to convey is the fact that weight loss surgery is NOT a magic wand–it’s just a tool. What one does with that tool determines their success. And it’s not the “easy way out.” It absolutely doesn’t mean one never has to exercise again or that they don’t have to watch what they eat. And it also doesn’t fix us mentally or emotionally. All it does is prevent one from eating a large quantity of food in one meal. That’s it. The bottom line is I want to provide a dose of reality for anyone wanting the surgery, but to also stress to the fitness community that I don’t regret doing it and there’s no shame in taking this route.

      Sorry, went off on a tangent there! As you can tell, I have a lot to say about it. :)

      I’m starting to form an intro in my mind and hopefully it works, though I just found out it should be limited to about three paragraphs. I’m not sure how much I can convey in such a short post, but I’m going to try.

      Yes to Liz B., who mentioned public speaking. I took that course in college. Since I didn’t start college until my 30s, I found it was incredibly helpful for my job at that time, mainly for organizing my thoughts when conducting meetings or training someone; however, I also find it useful for my personal blog.

    8. Chilipepper*

      I’d be looking for a plot twist type hook in the intro. Like, you’d think this decision to do this weight loss thing would be difficult but it was easy for me. Or I put this off for so long and now I wonder why. Or I’m the last person I ever thought would write a blog like this.

      Followed by any utilitarian details as needed.
      And

  17. Nela*

    Readers who are interested in the topic often entirely skip the intro, so what you write there can be completely utilitarian:

    – Give a short summary of the results you have, followed by “in this article I’ll explain what we did to achieve it”. That’s it.

    – Start with a question (or several) that people often think about regarding this topic, and “I’ll answer those questions, and more, in this article”.

    My intros on professional articles are usually one paragraph long, sometimes two. They’re there to say “this is what the article is about”.

  18. Mourning Reader*

    Good morning, commentariat! I have two “asking for a friend” questions today. I will separate them for threading ease.

    Friend has adopted a lovely young dog, about a year old, sweet tempered, some kind of husky mix with white fur and blue eyes. Recently there was a thread about dog training. Can anyone recommend a good online training resource? Friend has had a dog before, but a small one and she was never consistent with training. This bigger one needs to learn to walk on a leash (without pulling ahead and tripping up her human), the usual sit and stay stuff, and to not jump up to greet visitors. Friend has looked at some YouTube videos and such but probably can’t go to in person training yet, although she is over 65 and should be able to get vaccinated soon.

    Recommendations for good basic dog training online?

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      Huskies tend to be very strong willed and can be difficult to train without a lot of consistency. I would reach out to your local shelter or a breed-based rescue group for recommendations. A lot of trainers are doing online/Zoom lessons.

      1. Lizzo*

        +1 to this. Our neighbors have one, and even though they have been consistent with training, the dog is stubborn as heck and won’t do anything if there is no guarantee of a reward.

    2. I’d Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Reddit has some subreddits dedicated to Doug training and they have some detailed faq pages I find helpful. /

    3. Joie de Vivre*

      I don’t have a training suggestion, but until your friend can get the dog trained a Gentle Leader might help. It is a leash attachment that loops over a dog’s nose. It keeps most dogs from pulling.

      1. Cj*

        Seconding this. Also watch Lucky Dog on CBS Saturday mornings. Hopefully she has past episodes available. They focus a lot on the common commands. Has a new trainer this year. He and the past trainer are both very good, but I think that really episodes showed more the training specifics. I suppose it got repetitive after a while.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I have a husky mix here.
      He was a strange pup and I went flying to google what’s up with him.
      I fell into a guy’s blog about his husky. I will never forget, he said, “Huskies and wolves are NOT dogs.”

      This has been the best piece of advice for me and my little buddy. He’s super smart. And super stubborn. He never learned sit/stay. But he learned, “Go to the window and watch for company. Let me know when they get here.” He enjoys the more complex things and will do them well. Some of it is stuff I don’t want such as taking off his own collar or unlocking doors. It took me a while to learn how to foil these behaviors and I had to deliberately target each behavior.

      1. Zooey*

        Hah! Huskies are too smart. There’s one in my neighbourhood who appears on the local community Facebook page at least once a month when someone reports him roaming free, because he is a genius at escaping and does it any chance he gets. You really need a lot of time and ingenuity to keep up with them!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My little Houdini can get out of anything. My friend plays with him. Well the dog is fun because he always thinks of something new. So one day my friend grabbed the dog’s paw and would not let go. Any other dog, I would have told my friend, “please don’t do that.” Most dogs would jump around , do head bumps and so on. My dog simply leaned over and stuck his tongue in my friend’s ear. It was enough and my friend let go.
          End of problem.

          My dog is actually smarter than me but I have learned to adjust.

    5. Dwight Schrute*

      Hi! I work for a dog trainer. I suggest Kiko pup for YouTube videos. I know a fair amount of training facilities offer Zoom lessons and online classes so I’d look into local facilities that offer them. We offer Zoom stuff as well as
      limited in person training. I’d suggest staying away from anything balanced training wise as there is risk of behavioral fallout and it can damage your relationship with your dog.

      1. Mourning Reader*

        Thank you all, especially the tips about huskies; I will pass it all along. Dwight, what’s “balanced training wise?” I haven’t heard of that.

        1. Natalie*

          “Balanced training” uses both positive and negative reinforcements. That is, the trainer may use some aversive stimuli to shape behavior. This is in contrast to positive reinforcement only.

          If you’re not a really, REALLY experienced dog handler, it’s hard to tell the difference between good balanced training and abusive training methods.

          1. Dwight Schrute*

            Also, most handlers aren’t skilled enough to correct the behavior they want with the aversive stimuli so they end up punishing the wrong behavior. Huskies are incredibly intelligent and NEED a ton of mental enrichment, exercise and a job to do. Otherwise they’ll channel that energy and intelligence into behavior we as humans don’t like

        2. Dog and cat fosterer*

          “Balanced” training is from Cesar Milan and the people who believe in his bullshit about needing to be the alpha and show dominance. You can be negative, but with a kind No! or Uhoh! and withholding treats, definitely not physical. I also use a strong direct stare when a submissive foster dog (or my dog) is being obnoxious. I keep staring until the dog looks away. I specifically use this when they are looking at me (begging) at meal times, as a way to say “I have more willpower than you, dog, please go find a quiet spot to wait rather than beg”. It’s all very kind and easy, the point is to use their own communication methods to help me. When I want to build their confidence then I do the opposite, and use sideways looks, chin scratches, yawning, and similar to show that I’m no threat.

          I really like Stanley Coren’s point of view: why dominate the dog with force, especially because it teaches the dog that physical punishments are okay in the relationship, when you can much more effectively dominate the situation with a piece of kibble. If the dog is treated physically then it could start to respond physically, and it is more likely to react to children because it can win against them. If a TV show has the caveat “Don’t try our methods at home” then don’t do them! If you hold a gun to someone’s head and tell them to be your friend then they will, but there isn’t a friendship or respect, only fear and the potential to escalate the physical response next time.
          https://youtu.be/wqGMCyoG4iA
          The entire video is good for dog language (you can see his presentation after about 12mins)
          His response to balanced training is 39:00 – 43:30
          I have used a lot of his techniques as he bases them on evidence built from scientific studies and his experience. I bought his book about speaking with dogs, and it really helped me to learn how to read my fosters’ body language, as I get handed problem dogs and need to learn if any aggression is fear (almost always), and if an unmannered dog has any problem fear or is just excited and needs rules. He has decades of experience (he’s retired now) and includes fun stories from his training years, so the book is a fun read, a page-turner.

          1. tangerineRose*

            “you can much more effectively dominate the situation with a piece of kibble” I love this!

    6. Black Horse Dancing*

      Huskies often pull because that’s what they’re bred for. Good luck! Dr. Patricia McConnell is wonderful. Look for her blog–The Other End of the Leash.

    7. Dog and cat fosterer*

      Huskies *pull* on leash. You can try the haltie (band over the nose) but those are often difficult for the dog to adjust to. You can get no-pull harnesses, where they clip in front, so when the dog pulls, they are pulled sideways toward the owner. Neither is perfect, and I suggest that the tool is combined with the owner stopping, and only moving forward when the pulling stops, or the other option is to turn around and walk the other way until the pup starts to pull in that direction. I have used a slip leash (material, definitely not a metal chain) on a husky foster and it worked within seconds. I wouldn’t use a slip leash unless the dog wasn’t pulling all the time, and if it worked almost immediately.

      Training is about being more consistent and stubborn than the dog. It is more work initially but makes things so much easier later.

      I like Victoria Stilwell videos from It’s Me or the Dog. I don’t like that the US ones are more drama (she started her show in the UK) but I suspect that’s a cultural thing about what US and UK audiences expect as good tv, and the training methods are good.

      1. Dog and cat fosterer*

        Also, a family member adopted a husky and got benefit from joining a fb group for local husky owners. Huskies are known for pulling, for destroying soft furniture, and running full speed away from home if given half a chance. It’s best to embrace their quirks and adjust expectations. For example the family member didn’t want to use a crate, but after losing quite a few decorative cushions they finally borrowed one of mine and loved it. They walk the dog a lot so when they go out the husky happily sleeps in its den.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Sometimes I think some sort of sled on wheels should be invented so that someone can harness a big energetic dog to it, and the dog can run around the neighborhood with the person on the “sled”.

        1. Dog and cat fosterer*

          I rollerblade when the streets are clean! The dogs love it. I taught the family’s husky to pull me, and we fly around the neighborhood. I’m planning to buy a specialized pulling harness to take full advantage of their strength.

    8. Dwight Schrute*

      I’d also look into Pawsitive Futures in the Atlanta area. The owner has malamutes and does dog powered sports with hers and they are able to walk lovely on loose leashes when not working. She’s got some videos on Facebook I believe

  19. Loopy*

    Thanks to everyone who commented on my solo hiking thread last week. I am in another weekend of solid RAIN so there is zero chance of hiking this weekend! Still, I’m glad I’ve resolved to try some new places. If only the rain would stop.

    On another topic- lately I’ve been thinking a routine would be good for me but can’t figure out one that would work. In general- I work probably an average of 9 hours a day at a stressful job (occasionally a little longer), followed by about 1.5 hours of studying a day for a certification, and have to prep all my own meals and lunches and do all my own chores (laundry, grocery shopping, dog walking). I often feel overwhelmed and disorganized.

    I think structure is the answer for me, but am curious as to how others have gotten themselves into a regular routine or implemented some structure into a busy life? I feel like I should be able to just do it, but it isn’t happening!

    1. mreasy*

      You feel disorganized because you have a lot to do and very little time! Being strapped for time can cause an overwhelmed feeling for sure. I work a lot of hours as well and I have just had to realize that chores and food prep and pretty much anything other than exercise, work, and eating will have to happen on the weekends.

      1. Loopy*

        I was afraid of that- while weekends are the best time I’m also absolutely burnt out by then. I’m trying out giving myself Friday evenings off, doing almost everything Saturday and then Sunday is a day for me to relax/do fun things, entirely based on how Im feeling. However, today I’m struggling to power through my attempt at Everything-Saturday. I feel like I need almost the whole two days just to recover from the week!

        1. mreasy*

          That is very hard and I feel that myself sometimes. I have had mixed results with this, but if I can power though most of it on Saturday it makes Sunday so much more relaxing.

    2. Ranon*

      We run a weekly cycle, generally light on chores during the week and heavier on the weekends. I’m partnered so I benefit from being able to do task splits, but basically Saturday/ Sunday: laundry, floors, meal prep for the full week, Monday: work, workout, Tuesday: work, veg, Wednesday: work, workout, meal plan, Thursday: work, groceries every other week, Friday: workout, work, takeout. Dishes my partner does every morning, bathrooms I’ll do light maintenance on before my shower (e.g. wipe one thing) or a heavy clean on the weekend. Dusting at random or while I talk on the phone.

      When I was studying for my license I found it helpful to do one heavy weekend day so I could go a bit lighter during the week but that’s just personal preference.

      1. Loopy*

        Reading this is super helpful. I’m realizing just by my reaction to other people’s approaches that in theory I really want to keep at least one of my weekend days entirely free. I think I WISH I could get more done during the week but I’m just not sure it’s feasible. That’s probably why I’m struggling. I like the idea of doing it one way, but in practice it’s just not the right way for me with my schedule! I think a somewhat heavier weekend in terms of prep and chores is probably just unavoidable to make my weeks bearable!

        1. DataGirl*

          I haven’t had a full day free since having kids (nearly 20 years now). Even before them, I remember having to do grocery shopping and cleaning on the weekend, although there was definitely a lot more room in my schedule. Now it’s more about taking the occasional evening ‘off’ to sit and veg. I have no idea how adults, particularly adults with kids, ever have free time to do fun things. Even if I catch up on the daily/weekly chores like cleaning, laundry, grocery, cooking, etc there’s still always between 5-25 additional things on my list that need doing. I think a schedule can help with keeping on top of the regular stuff, but I’ve just come to believe that being an adult sucks.

          1. allathian*

            I have a lot of time to myself, probably more than many adults, especially parents. But one reason for that is that currently our son doesn’t have any extracurriculars at all (COVID) and even before, he only had two days with extracurriculars a week. I feel privileged because whatever he does or doesn’t do in elementary school has no bearing on whether or where he’ll go to college, here only academic achievement counts. We’re also in an area where it’s standard for kids as young as 7 to get themselves to and from school on their own. My son started going to school unaccompanied when he was 9 and felt comfortable doing it. He takes the bus (public transit). Most of the very young kids who go to school on their own live within walking distance of the school.

            It also helps that he’s a neurotypical kid with no particular difficulties either at school or in his social life. He has one best friend, but he’s consistently voted as the most popular boy in his class, which means that he gets along with everyone.

            He did go through a couple of years with a lot of screen time, but now he’s cut back on his own initiative because he prefers to read. Even with the screen time he had plenty of time to spend with his friends and it never affected his schoolwork or his sleep, so we were fine with it. He’s also been getting a reasonable amount of exercise with his dad, he’s just not into team sports (and I’m glad, because I wouldn’t want to be a soccer or hockey mom!).

            I don’t volunteer for anything. I was a member of the board of my son’s daycare PTA, but when he went to kindergarten and school I decided that I was done with it.

            I’ve basically decided that for my mental health, I need as much free time as I can possibly manage to get, and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about that.

            1. allathian*

              I did get a professional certificate last year. I estimate that it took on average about 5 hours of work per week, although there were weeks I did nothing and I scheduled a whole week’s vacation to study for my final exam, and I spent the same amount of time on studying that I would otherwise have worked.

            2. DataGirl*

              You make 2 really good points allathian:
              1) In the US public transportation is scarce if not completely unavailable in most places. In my city of 100,000 people we don’t even have buses. And with urban sprawl, most places are too far away to walk to, so you have to drive everywhere, which means kids are generally totally dependent on their parents for transportation.
              2) Both of my kids and myself have multiple health issues, which means we have a minimum of 2 doctor/therapy appointments per week. When it’s bad we may have up to 2 appointments per day. With COVID some of those appointments have gone virtual which helps, but many are in person and again with that urban sprawl often we have to drive up to 30 minutes each way to get to them. So yeah, my family in particular is probably a lot busier than average.

              I manage the day to day stuff okay, barely. The things that really get me though are the ‘extras’. Right now just a sample from my to-do list: take vacuum to the repair shop, take computer to the repair shop, go to the cell phone store, work on taxes, sort through and pay bills, clean the front closet, clean the bookshelves (cat pee issue), drop off Christmas presents to friends who each live 30 minutes drive away in opposite directions, take down and wash all the curtains (cat pee again), and about 20 other things. There is just not enough time for everything so I’m perpetually behind and stressed out.

              1. allathian*

                Yeah, and even if you can walk, huge subdivisions in the US don’t have any sidewalks at all. Granted, our small subdivision doesn’t have any sidewalks either, except by the main road where the buses go, but speeds are limited to 30 kph/20 mph (with speed bumps) and people are pretty compliant. One of us usually walks him to the bus stop in the morning, but he gets home by himself in the afternoon. Now it’s easier that we’re both WFH, but when we were at the office, he used his own key to get in. Both of us have pretty flexible schedules, so when we were working at the office, one of us would leave early and the other would leave at the same time as our son left for school and then stay at work later, to minimize the time he had to spend at home alone (or with a friend).

                Your situation sounds really stressful, and I’m sorry you’re struggling. My son had some speech development delays, but even then it was at most two speech therapy appointments per month, usually only one, for two years.

    3. fposte*

      It sounds pretty darn organized to me. Are you feeling like you should be able to get more done with those 20 minutes of free time? Because maybe not.

      I love an app called Home Routines, which allows me to set housekeeping items for a day of the week, or a recurring period, and gives me gold stars when I do them. Even if you’re not talking about housekeeping, a system like that (or even put whatever you please into the app) might be helpful in limiting the possibilities for a given day or week, so you don’t feel like you have to do fifty things every time the clouds part. Treat it as a menu to select from rather than a to-do list.

      1. Loopy*

        I might check this out! Also, if not that I want to fit more in, I just want to work smarter I guess. One Sunday I did a little meal prep and was so pleased on Monday-Tuesday evenings when lunch was already made. I realized I hadn’t really been thinking about what made more sense to do on weekends/v. weeknights. Like Laundry for example- I’m one of those people who insists on being home while the washer/dryer runs, so weeknight evenings make most sense so I’m not trapped at home on value weekend day times. It’s also something I can do WHILE I study.

        1. Hi there*

          That was going to be my suggestion for you—to put laundry and any other little chores you can on weekdays. When I was overwhelmed with work and a baby I read some advice to do a load of laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up. I don’t have that much laundry anymore but it is much easier for me to do a load a few times during the week before work or between WFH meetings that to do a Saturday laundry extravaganza. Same with cooking—spread it out and do just enough that the meals are covered and varied. I also like to freeze a few portions of whatever I make so that there is some day in the future when I won’t have to cook.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      It’s worth 2 cents at most but it’s what I got.

      I prepared meals two or three at a time. A small turkey breast would be 3 meals for me and my husband with some left over for my dog. I could make a salad and that would last a few days. We were not WFH and I still am not WFH. I do 3 lunches on Sunday. If I was FT, I would the remaining 2 lunches on Wednesday.

      For years I did laundry on the weekend. With two of us that meant 3-4 loads. It was a hike to get through it, but somehow I thought that was a good idea. Now my current approach is to do one load every other day or so. I am finding this so much easier. One bonus here was things dried quicker because there’s less clothes at any given time. I hang most things up to dry and during the winter it was a hassle finding space for it all with my old approach.

      I have also shifted more to the “pay me first” approach recommended by some financial advisors. But I pay me by doing my own work before leaving the house in the morning. So before work, I might clean the bathroom or run a load of clothes. I love the symbolism that I take care of my own needs before anyone else.

      Other things have cropped up for me. I have gotten interested in owning less and buying less. I don’t need more crap to do and take care of. I am also more fussy about products that I do buy, they have to work well. Meaning, it can’t take hours of my time to get a product to work as intended.

      1. Loopy*

        I like the idea of 2-3 meals at a time. I always felt like an entire weeks worth was just too much to get through, but that sounds manageable and not overwhelming. I like the pay me first approach but I just cant get up any earlier I think (I start my work day at the office at 700 or at home at 730 usually). I also like the idea of buying less so less to clean and organize!

        1. Hi there*

          I am a little embarrassed that my comment above is so similar to NotSoNewReader, sorry about that! One more idea I have is to think about what you can automate or make easier. When I am busy I get tired of making decisions and keeping track of things, so I try to keep things simple. We always have pizza on Friday, for example, and breakfast for me is almost always oatmeal or yogurt with granola. Thursday dinner is usually something from the freezer, either something that I have made or good old Amy’s. I also use the crockpot more when I am busy since I can set it up in the morning & be done and then have leftovers for lunch later that week. I also like the way crockpot prep can fit into the little bits of time I might have available.

    5. Adventurer*

      First, yay for solo hiking!! I am a woman in my early thirties who has been hiking and backpacking solo since I was in college, and I love it. (I was also a park ranger for five seasons in my twenties.) If you have any lingering questions on that front, let me know!

      I have no tips on the organization front, because I really feel the same way!! Going to follow these other comments for tips too.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I build and fall off of routines all the time, so I’ve come to understand that they will never be perfect or permanent — but still worth doing.

      Getting ready to leave for a busy day in the morning is stressful and can be hectic. Trying to switch up your morning routine first is going to add mental effort and is therefore least likely to stick.

      The best place to start is building the evening routine before bed. There are so many things you can do to set yourself up for a good day — laying out clothes, doing a 5-minute tidy, packing your bag or your lunch, going to bed at a set time, etc.

      I recommend making a list of things you’d like to incorporate in your evening routine and then adding them 1 per day. Then you can do the same thing with a “get home from work” routine, and a “get ready in the morning” routine.

      Doing the evening/afternoon routines let you think forward and be proactive, which leverages the benefit. Then when you are ready to build a morning routine, you’ve already eliminated a lot of morning stress.

      1. Loopy*

        Thank you! This is a super helpful approach and resonates with me. I already do some of it- I never ever have a weekday where I don’t lay out clothes or pre-pack my lunch/work laptop. I think I would like more ideas like this as I know those things make my mornings much easier and smoother. It also gives me a good area of my day to focus on.

        I’m also realizing I like ideas that are time savers, like work smarter not harder!

        1. RagingADHD*

          If you already lay out clothes and pack your lunch the night before, you have a better routine than most people.

    7. Disorganized*

      I’m terrible at maintaining healthy habits, especially with all that 2020 brought. I found the only thing that helps me keep in top of stuff is finding ways to not have to think about it myself. I’ve been using services like HomeChef and Hello Fresh so I don’t have to think about as many meals. My sister also uses an automatic vacuum like a roomba to keep her place cleaner and I’ve just accepted that my space will never be as clean as I’d like it because I just can’t keep up. I use simple things like getting a second laundry basket for clothes that are in between clean and dirty so they don’t end up on my floor and make me feel worse. I also splurged on color changing/smart light bulbs and I have them on a schedule to change colors to mark when I should be starting the next part of my routine (living alone and WFH can really put you in a funk due to lack of environmental changes). I’m sorry I don’t have much advice on things that don’t require money, but sometimes just paring down what you need to spend psychological energy on really helps.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      I feel you – your second paragraph is almost me right now too! One thing I’ve been trying to get better about is doing the “quick” chores daily. If it’ll take 5 minutes or less, I try to get it done. I use an app called Tody that I really like that’s been helping. Getting quick stuff done during the week means less to do on the weekend which makes the weekends easier to enjoy. Otherwise, most of my chores and cooking I do on the weekend. I try to cook 1 big meal each weekend day and use the leftovers during the week, with frozen / take out sprinkled in. Ideally, I don’t want to cook on a work day. Sometimes though, I think I structure too much – I try to split all my chores over the two days, but I’m wondering if getting everything done on 1 day and resting/relaxing on the other day might be better for my mental health.

    9. Sooda Nym*

      For super busy “seasons” in my life (sounds like you are in one of those) I love the idea of “minimums.” The idea is that you figure out the minimum you can do to get by, and if you have to, you let everything else kind of slide for a while. So, for example, your daily minimums might be: work, study, feed yourself, personal hygiene, feed & walk the dog. That might be all you can handle, but all of those things must get done every day, or you start setting yourself up for falling dominoes of getting behind. Weekly mins are probably laundry, grocery shopping, maybe some cleaning, etc. Weekly can happen on the weekend, or you can divide tasks up onto weekdays. Then, once you know the minimums, you can still look for efficiencies and corners to cut. Maybe you can’t cook every day. But you can cook enough for 2 days, so you alternate kitchen days and laundry days, or whatever. Maybe your weekly minimum is cleaning your house for one hour. Won’t get the whole house clean, but you can hit the worst of it every week. Don’t forget to include “self-care” in the minimums. Exercise if it’s important to you, or religious activities, or a hobby you really enjoy and want to spend at least one hour per week on… This is just one chapter, and it’s a busy one, so it’s okay to lower expectations for the less important things right now.

  20. Mourning Reader*

    Second question: another friend, who has unfortunately suffered health, financial, and family setbacks in recent years, has received an Official Letter from the IRS in regard to back taxes owed (about $16k) from previous, more flush years. They are threatening to take her assets, and she doesn’t have much. She is living on Social Security Disability… the kind that people who have worked for years are on, so she has a decent monthly income, but lost her house in foreclosure a couple of years back. (She lived with me for a bit before the SSDI was approved and she was broke but luckily the income came in and she found an apartment near me last January, just before covid hit. We are still pod buddies.)

    Anyway, she is terrified that the IRS will come for her car and tow it. In the throes of worry, she suggested putting her car in my name so they wouldn’t take it. I don’t think that would work, and if discovered could make it worse to be hiding assets. I am trying to reassure her that it’s very unlikely the IRS would do this. Firstly, her debt is probably chicken feed compared to big money debt they would likely go after. They might impound a million dollar yacht but why would they bother with an old car toward a $16k debt? Even if they go after her SS income, wouldn’t they take some small percentage each month and not take her whole income for months?

    In any case, I have advised her to
    -contact a cheap or pro Bono lawyer or tax accountant for better advice, or,
    -send the IRS a letter with a small check, saying you will pay that much each month, so that you look cooperative and forestall any more extreme action

    My impression is that the irs is currently overwhelmed and overworked and underfunded, that these letters were likely auto generated with some trigger for amount or timing, and that the likelihood that they will take her car is slightly above zero.

    Normal advice would be to call and set up a payment plan, but my friend says no one is answering phones there these days.

    TL:dr…. what’s the risk or reasonable course of action for a large (to us) past tax debt?

    (Side note and update to my real estate investment question from last week: I am thinking of using my inheritance money to buy a small house near me to rent to this friend. She is currently living in a 2nd floor apartment with 15 outdoor steps to the parking lot, and laundry also down those snowy stairs. Her disability impairs her walking although she is currently ambulatory I worry what happens when her legs aren’t working? Which has happened to her before. Of course I wouldn’t do this without her involvement but it would be so cool if she lived in a little one story near me; she loves to garden and misses her yard terribly, has a great balcony garden in the apartment but it’s not the same. She’d be a good and trustworthy tenant, and now that we have a decent president we are not as worried that SS will be cut so her income, while not high, should be stable.)

    1. Joie de Vivre*

      Depending on your location, H&R Block has tax pros who are dedicated agents (not sure that is the right term). The dedicated agents are authorized/certified to deal with the IRS and situations like this. I don’t have any idea of how much it would cost.

      1. Joie de Vivre*

        You’d need to confirm, but I believe the dedicated agent is authorized to negotiate with the IRS on behalf of the client.

    4. WellRed*

      You’re a good friend but please don’t buy a house solely for this purpose. Is becoming a landlord something you wanted to do anyway?

    5. Ali G*

      You are right. The chance of someone showing up one day to take her car or anything else is so, so small. We had family friends that owed hundreds of thousands of back taxes and no repo men ever showed up at their door. What your friend does need to do is find some credible way to start communicating with the IRS. Likely she can get a portion forgiven and put on a low payment plan to pay off the rest.

      1. Sue*

        NEVER put someone else’s vehicle in your name. I agree there is no reason to do it here as the IRS is not going to repo her car but it is absolutely never a good idea. If she were to be in an accident, you could be sued. If her insurance was inadequate, you could be looking at liability.
        I also agree with others about the house, nice generous thought but a big headache and fraught with potential problems. I wouldn’t mix money and friendship in this way, it so often turns out badly even with good people.

    6. Amtelope*

      She can apply online for a payment plan; search on the IRS website. It is probably better to talk to a human on the phone because they can offer more flexibility/lower payments, but if she can’t get anyone on the phone, applying online is a good place to start.

      They are extremely unlikely to seize her car, even though technically they have a right to do that. They can and will garnish her SSDI checks, but they can only take 15% of each check. She can probably set up a better payment plan than that with the IRS, but that is the worst thing that is actually likely to happen.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        This. A couple of my friends have had to deal with back tax issues, and repo is not a thing they do. They garnish income instead.

      2. DataGirl*

        Yep, she can set up an account on irs.gov then set up a payment plan that way. I just walked my husband through this- it’s kind of a pain as they require quite a bit of information but we got it done in about 15 minutes.

        Also, they are really backlogged- our 2019 taxes haven’t been processed yet and I recently read an article that they have around 7 Million 2019 returns still to process, so she can use that slowness in her favor. We still owe on 2019, but I can’t make a payment since they haven’t processed it, so we’re just saving as much as we can in the hopes that by the time they finally get to us we’ll have enough to pay it off.

    7. Natalie*

      The worst course of action is worrying about it endlessly and not contacting them. The likelihood that they’ll take her car in the middle of the night is quite low, but it’s higher if she just sits on the letter indefinitely.

      I agree setting up a payment plan online would be the best course of action for now. That shouldn’t require paying an enrolled agent or anything, she can do it herself. Once she has that immediate worry taken care of, she will be less anxious and more able to think about what she else she might want to do to take care of this. Payment plans can also be changed, if she is able to get ahold of someone over the phone in the future.

    8. pancakes*

      No one can take possession of her car or seize income without first getting a judgment against her. It is possible for them to obtain a default judgment against her if she ignores the letters, though. She needs to call the IRS and try to set up a payment plan.

      I don’t want to alarm you, but your idea that changes to social security are off the table seems a bit naive. Neera Tanden, who is presently being confirmed to head the Office of Management and Budget, has a history of proposing cuts to it. So does the new President. Search his name in connection with the Simpson-Bowles Commission.

      1. Dan*

        I agree with you, but I don’t think SS cuts are a partisan issue (AAM hates politics around here, so I’ll try to stay away from that…). It’s recognized on both sides of the aisle that there’s a mismatch between the benefit payout and the revenue generation. And TBH, the longer we wait, the more painful the cuts. (*How* the mismatch gets dealt with is a partisan issue, but the fact one exists is not.)

    9. Janet Pinkerton*

      Okay it’s hard to get through on the phones, for sure, but there are certainly people working the phones. It’s worth trying.

      The most important thing is to not ignore it.

      There are options for this. One option is setting up an installment agreement—a formal agreement to pay a little at a time. Another option is this: if her financial hardship is so great that she cannot pay any of it, then IRS has a status called “currently not collectible” which means IRS will not try to collect the debt, though they will look to see if your situation improves and then you’d be able to pay the debt. Another option is an offer in compromise—saying “hey I can pay x amount of this” and IRS agrees that this compromise is worthwhile since it makes it easier to collect the debt.

      IRS acknowledges that people have basic living expenses that they need to be able to pay for before they can pay past tax debt. That’s why they have programs such as these. The term to use is “financial hardship” when you call.

      If you try these things and don’t have success, contact your local taxpayer advocate—just search for “local taxpayer advocate (your state)” (no quotes) and the contact information for the Taxpayer Advocate Service will pop up. They can facilitate your request with the IRS but they are very busy and you may be able to do it without them.

      Another source of assistance is a Low Income Taxpayer Clinic—they can help you with a tax dispute and are either free or inexpensive. Just search for “LITC (my state)”

      I’ll check back a few times this weekend—feel free to ask me follow-up questions.

    10. Black Horse Dancing*

      I’ve talked to the IRS numerous times and usually they are great to work with. Your friend may even get her debt waived due to financial hardship. She needs to check our their website for forms and go from there.

    11. osmoglossum*

      Your friend definitely needs to tread carefully because the IRS tends to go after people who owe smaller amounts (and $16,000 is considered a smaller amount) as it’s easier to get money from them — the folks who owe large amounts and own yachts, etc., usually have access to tax lawyers who fight to the death to prevent any kind of payment.
      (In 2018 I owed the IRS $10 (yep, ten dollars) and, as my executive functioning was at a low point, I kept forgetting to mail a check. After six months, the IRS started to withhold 24% of an investment that gave me a monthly dividend of $45. The withholding went on for months, even though, if you do the math, one month’s withholding was sufficient to repay the amount owed. I spoke to 3 people at different offices in the IRS and they were baffled. They all said the threshold for withholding was $50. They could not understand why this happened.)

    12. Wishing You Well*

      I had a friend in a very similar situation: facing a surprise tax bill while having NO income (nothing) for a couple of years. She met with the IRS in person and negotiated a lower tax bill. She’s a shy person, so she probably had someone help her get the settlement.
      As for real estate, don’t buy a house for your friend to live in unless you can afford to let her live there for free – meaning, if for any reason, she stopped paying rent, it would not create a financial crisis for you. Do you want to be a landlord paying for taxes, insurance, liability, maintenance, repairs? Can you afford an ongoing cleaning crew, a yard crew and a maintenance person since your friend is disabled and might become more disabled? And you would be HER landlord.
      Actually, you’d have FAR less liability and it’s probably cheaper if you simply paid her rent where she lives. It might also be better for the friendship if you don’t become her landlord. Still, you’re a very good friend and you have a good heart. Best Wishes.

    13. Cj*

      CPA here. She should be able to get her debt put in “uncollectable”. Do you have legal aid nearby that she can contact? Or a CPA that would work pro bono on this? She’s right that nobody in answering the phones. A letter can be written, though, but even then she may continue to get notices for a while because they are so far behind on processing correspondence.

    14. Girasol*

      Does she know she owes this much or is she taking their word for it? The IRS can make mistakes. They once told me I owed $20,000 when I felt sure I’d done nothing wrong. I contacted a tax accountant (with that much on the line I wasn’t going to deal with it alone!) and he not only found their error but also found deductions that I wasn’t aware of. That resulted in a refund that covered his fee. Working out a payment plan with the IRS is a good idea but only if your friend is sure that she really owes that money.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        I came ot look for this comment after I made mine. We used to get these letters all the time, occasionally the taxpayer forgot to include a tax form that resulted in higher tax but sometimes it was mistakenly reported under their SS#. It happened to me in my state, I got a letter stating that I owe a different state $30k. I called the dept and insisted that I’d never travelled to said state and I have never even earned that much in my entire life. I had to escalate it to a higher up as the rep on the phone was unhelpful and he was able to clear it up in 2 minutes. So, that’s definitely worth looking into.

    15. ....*

      She just needs to contact the IRS and make a payment plan. I don’t think she needs to move assets around or try to hide things, just call them and tell them she doesn’t have enough money and they’ll give her a plan. They’re pretty used to this type of thing

      1. ....*

        Sorry saw that they’re apparently not answering the phone. She could send a registered letter asking for the plan then or consult a Tax accountant who might have a line of communication with them

    16. Anonymous Fed*

      Well the lines are busy all the time because the agency hasn’t been adequately funded or staffed for quite a few years. This is out of my scope of experience and area of expertise, but this is what I know. Keep copies of everything, all correspondence and all forms. Document phone calls (especially dates) and numbers called. Names and employee I.D. numbers may be helpful, but often are not.

      Before she considers setting up a payment plan, she should look at the IRS-dot-gov website (Yes, the website is HORRIBLE! and often not very helpful) and type in “Offer in Compromise” and read the information there to see if she might be eligible to have some of the back taxes waived. There’s an application fee, but it sounds like there is a very good chance your friend would be eligible for a low-income certification which would waive the application fee.

      If that doesn’t work, then she should set up an installment agreement and start paying it off in small(ish) monthly amounts. The best way to do that would be to go the IRS-dot-gov website, click on “Pay,” then click on “Payment Plan (Installment Agreement)” and set up the installment agreement online. If she can get through the phone lines, the IRS can set up the agreement for her over the phone, but they charge extra (like a couple of hundred dollars) to set up the installment agreement for you (which is a passive-aggressive way to push you onto the website) and to encourage you not call them.

      If she doesn’t pay, the penalties and interest will continue to accrue. If she pays, the penalties will usually stop, but the interest will continue to accrue, although the interest rate usually isn’t that bad. Before they actually take assets or place liens on property the IRS would usually assign a Revenue Officer to the case and she would get a letter from that specific individual with contact information for her to reach that person. If she didn’t do that, then the R.O. might show up at her house to discuss things before they would confiscate her property.

      For the 48 contiguous state, the IRS hours are from 7:00am to 7:00pm in each time zone. (Alaska and Hawaii have to call during the hours for the Pacific Time Zone, so I believe that would be 6:00am to 6:00pm for Alaska and 5:00am to 5:00pm for Hawaii.)

      If you live in the Eastern and Central Time zones the earlier you call the shorter the wait times are (after 10:00am Eastern Time Zone and after 9:00am in the Central Zone) the west coast kicks in and the wait times go up a lot. OTOH, if you live in the Mountain and Pacific Time zones, the later in the day you call, the shorter the wait times are (after 5:00pm Mountain Time Zone and after 4:00pm Pacific Time Zone they stop taking calls from the Eastern Time Zone and the wait times drop off a bit).

      (The IRS phone system screens calls based on the area code of the phone you’re calling from. It depends on the specific time zone the area code is assigned to. The IRS will only take your call during the hours set up for that time zone, even if you actually live in a different time zone than what your phone is assigned to. If your area code is in the Eastern time zone, they will only take your call during the hours set up for the Eastern Time Zone, even if you actually live in a different time zone.)

      If your friend is unable to get things resolved after attempting to work directly with the IRS, a last resort might be to contact the “Taxpayer Advocate Service” (TAS). In rural states, there might only be only one TAS office for the entire state, while in more urban states there might be several offices within a large city. Most of the offices are closed for in person meetings and some of them have limited hours, but most of them are still taking calls. Type “Taxpayer Advocate Service” into the search engine on the IRS-dot-gov website for info about locating an office near you, hours and phone numbers.

    17. Potatoes gonna potate*

      tax pro, one that specializes in resolutions. IRS seems scary but they work with you on these issues. At best, the pro may be able to do an Offer In Compromise (I am not sure of the specifics as I never did those but they are an option for those who owe a lot to have their debt significantly reduced). Find a real tax pro, that could be a lawyer, Enrolled Agent or CPA, do not try those ads on TV – my professional peers say they are full of scams.

      1. Cj*

        If she wants to do an offer in compromise she better find somebody who will do it pro bono, as they are extremely complicated.

        You also need to send the amount the of money you want them to compromise for along with the application. If they deny your application, apply it to your debt, but will not refund it.

        The IRS is wrong a lot. If she’s not sure she owes yes, she needs to contact them by letter. It will take a long while for a response.

    18. Otter Dance*

      Offer In Compromise.
      Even the IRS knows they can’t get blood from a stone. If she is insolvent, which it sounds as though she is by your description, the IRS will accept a payment plan for far less than they are currently claiming. (But woe betide her if she fails to keep up the payments.) She will need a complete balance sheet of financial assets and liabilities and a projection of income and expense.
      If they do garnish, they can’t take so much that they put her below the poverty level, or prevent her from getting necessary medical care.

      Does she agree with the IRS calculations? It’s not uncommon to have a preliminary claim reduced, if they are disallowing valid deductions, for example, and the taxpayer can document the deductions.

      Separately, don’t become her landlord. What would you do if she couldn’t make rent, or caused damage to the property? It’s worse than lending money to a friend, because it goes on and on and on.

    19. Mourning Reader*

      Thanks everyone for the very helpful suggestions for my friend. It gives hope! I will cut and paste specifics to her via email.

      It’s sweet of you to say I’m such a good friend, and while I hope that’s true, I also hope it’s what any decent person would do in our situation. I bet it’s very common right now for people in dire straits, especially in the US, to be bunking in with friends and families.

      I don’t think I’d want to be a landlord absent this situation, but that’s largely because of previous experience with an unreliable tenant. Nothing as bad as the horror stories previously mentioned, but more work and risk than I’d want to take on. I am still mulling it over but I think trustworthy tenant like this friend might largely mitigate that risk. I’m not making any sudden moves in any case. It gives me an excuse to browse Zillow… not just for 30-somethings any more!

      I know Social Security in the US is going to be in trouble long term, but I hold out hope that there will be some kind of adjustment in time to mostly preserve benefits to people my age and up. I’m thinking people who are currently in the system might end up with reduced benefits, but unless “they” run out of money entirely, it’s unlikely that my friend will end up with no income anytime soon. In another 15 or 20 years maybe. Most proposals I’ve read about grandfather in people currently in the system. I had read that the previous administration had a plan to make people requalify for SSDI every 6 months. That kind of thing, rather than eliminating the program entirely, was more of a threat to benefits in the near term. And frankly, if SS runs out of money and stops paying, the US economy would have to be correspondingly f’ed up and we’d all go to hell in a hand basket anyway. Meanwhile I’ll keep paying my dues to AARP and hope I die before the system collapses.

      (Strangely enough, all my recently deceased family members died within months of first receiving SS, so as a group, we’ve put in much more than we’ve received. With so many elders dying of covid, I wonder if the system is saving vast amounts of money? Or is that offset by the lost productivity of younger working people who also died? Well this has gotten morbid, sorry.)

    20. Susan.*

      If she hasn’t paid her taxes, what makes you think she’d keep up with rent payments to you?
      And she is breaking the law by not paying her taxes. And she’s considering being dishonest by putting her car in your name.
      You are not responsible for her. It’s okay to tell her no. She (not you) should consult a tax lawyer or an accountant.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        This is fine until we consider people who encounter outrageous medical bills or lost their house in a house fire or lost their job through no fault of their own, etc. Sometimes crap happens to people who do “everything right”.

        We have no idea how OP’s friend got to where she is. There is one thing we can be sure of, most of us are only a heartbeat away from financial ruin. It could be a catastrophic illness or accident. It could be a huge loss due to fire or storm, or it could be we find ourselves unemployed for much longer than we ever imagined. There are other reasons stuff like this happens. There are very few of us who are totally immune to losing any semblance of the life we have now and take for granted.

        Having said all this, a pearl of wisdom I have held on to OP, is to not give so much of ourselves that we become basket cases that other people have to take care of. If you are no longer able to take care of her because of your own misfortune that kind of defeats the point.

        I remember when my father got hit with my mother’s medical bills. Her bill totaled TEN years of his GROSS pay…. and he had retired to take care of her. whoops. When she died, my aunt- my father’s sis- offered to take another mortgage out on her house to pay those medical bills.
        Yeah, I got a lump in my throat at this point in the story.
        Wisely, my father declined the offer. And his reason was, “I know that I may not be able to make your mortgage payment the way I should. This means you, too, can lose your house. I’d rather know for a fact that you are safe in your home and if I need a place to land for a few weeks while I figure out where to go next, I can come to your safe home for a short bit.”

        This was such a smart move. Sis knew that she could do something practical to help my father- her bro. My father knew that he had the option of staying with his sis. I think just knowing that he had a Plan B, was enough to help him find a path through the mess he had on his hands.

        Some times smaller helps can actually bring about longer more enduring results.

    21. bluephone*

      Not a lawyer or tax professional but I’ve had various family members who worked for the IRS, or as tax preparers (including being able to negotiate with the IRS on their client’s behalf), etc.

      1. Do not try to move any of Friend’s assets into your name, don’t let her do it, etc. The IRS will find out, they won’t accept any excuses or justifications, and then you’ll both get in a *heap* of trouble. Just wanted to repeat that to drive it home.
      2. Friend is probably best off first contacting a tax lawyer or preparer before sending anything to the IRS like payments, especially now.
      3. Unfortunately, no one’s going to be answering the phone at the IRS for a while, to say they are backed up because of COVID is to call smallpox “oh just a rash.” The IRS has something like 70 million unprocessed returns from the 2019 fiscal year (which had an extended deadline because of COVID) and yet also thinks that they will be able to process the 2020FY returns in a timely fashion). So your friend is probably better focusing on finding a tax lawyer/person to help her, instead of even trying to call the IRS at this point.
      Good luck to her!

  21. There’s probably a cat meme to describe it*

    Gardening thread! What’s happening on the green scene?

    I went out to get “just 3 or 4” replacement plants today. Spoiler alert: I did not come home with just 3 or 4.

    1. Hotdog not dog*

      I’m planning my garden and drooling over all the seed catalogs! I need to either buy several more acres of land or narrow down my wish list.

    2. Anonymath*

      All my semi-tropical plants are bundled up with Christmas lights on. Our poor baby mango is under a very large cardboard box. We’ll let it get some sun for a couple of hours today if the temps hit 40, but they are all in for a very rough Monday. We’ll see what survives. Last time it did this I lost my mango and both passion fruit vines.

    3. Ali G*

      Ugh, we just discovered that one of our giant oak trees needs to come down. It was apparently rotted and the woodpeckers started in on it. I’m sad!

      1. Workerbee*

        That is very sad! I deeply hate and am saddened when trees come down.

        Given time, money, inclination, and space available, is there a way for you to keep some of the wood and repurpose it for something? A carved bowl, or something bigger…

        1. fposte*

          I have seen some amazing chainsaw carvings on stumps! If my big sycamore goes I’m thinking about looking into it (please don’t go, big sycamore).

        2. Ali G*

          Because the extent of rot, it isn’t worth the money to have them be careful in taking it down. So unfortunately, this one will be firewood (the non-rotted stuff at least).
          We also have a GIANT black walnut in the yard that will come down before it rots and will make beautiful slabs. It’s really expensive to to cut a tree in a yard for products, so it’s only worth it if you know you are going to get good stuff.
          But once my husband gets his new shed I will probably replant another somewhere to start to make up for the loss.

      2. allathian*

        Awww, that’s sad. I love the sound of woodpeckers, though, it’s so homey. I’m not very good at identifying birds, but I did see a black woodpecker not too long ago. They’re about the same size as crows, black with a red crown (males) or a red neck (females). I heard the knocking on wood, and located the bird by sound and felt like I had achieved something. I even managed to get it on video, although it was too high up in a tree to identify its sex.

    4. Never Nicky*

      We’ve had an unusual amount of snow for my part of the UK so nothing has happened, and I’m bracing myself for casualties.

      I keep telling myself snow is an insulator and the plants will be happier under a 6 inch blanket of snow than braving -5 Deg C temperatures ‘naked’.

      1. allathian*

        You’re right about that! Our rhododendrons are probably only surviving the -20 C /-5 F temps thanks to a blanket of snow.

    5. GoryDetails*

      Haven’t started any seeds yet (though I should have), but am enjoying the lettuce variety from my Aerogarden. And my amaryllis plants are all sprouting multiple stems with four or more blossoms each, a nice long-lasting display.

    6. Bobina*

      Other than replanting my peperomia into a smaller pot and less compost-y soil, not much happening. Its been very cold here so hoping all the bulbs that started sprouting will survive. Realised I apparently have powdery mildew on some of the heuchera I bought in November, so did a bit of tidying up on those plants and hoping it doesnt become an issue.

      Not much else, just waiting for this cold snap to end and a couple more weeks for more light then I’m gonna sow a few more seeds and see how those go!

      Really cant wait for summer to see how all the random things I threw into pots turn out! I bought some grasses (Karl Foerster) which I really hope will survive and grow because they look amazing and will go well in my outdoor space!

    7. Generic Name*

      I just got a free jade plant, and I’m very happy about it. Nothing better than free plants! My husband upgraded our back yard raised veggie garden bed. It was one board of pine (leftovers from something else) and now it’s redwood to match our deck. It is currently hovering right at zero, so seeing anything green outside seems so far off.

    8. Parenthetically*

      The polytunnel has been deconstructed so the soil can air out and be prepped — it’ll go back up in March after the weather warms up a bit, and we’ll start planting out spring things!

    9. JobHunter*

      The cherry tomatoes have just started to ripen. There are probably a dozen inflorescences now. I just changed the water and added fresh Hoagland solution, so I expect the tomatoes to really take off now. The cuttings from the last plant in the garden are spindly but also most fruitful. The heirlooms started from seed in the Aerogarden are lagging by comparison. I have one last lettuce plant left, and it’s struggling under the shade of the tomato jungle.

    10. Might Be Spam*

      I brought my green pepper plants inside in the fall and they are all still alive even though I tend to neglect them. I’m wondering if I should prune them or if that would be a bad idea. I’m hoping that they will bloom this summer and get new peppers. I don’t know if that is even possible. I will probably prune a couple of them and see what happens.

    11. DataGirl*

      We started our first garden last year, 3 large raised beds. Last year I just got whatever transplants I could find in stores and it went well so that’s my plan for this year too. A lot of people in my gardening group are starting seeds already inside, but I have no space for that.

      Last year I had way way way too many cucumbers (SO MANY PICKLES) so I want just one or two plants this year. I’ll do a full bed of tomatoes again as we cook with them constantly. My zucchini and squash failed last year (powdery mildew and squash vine borers) so I’m not sure if I’ll try them again this year or not. If I don’t it will give me more room for chilis, so maybe I’ll skip them. And I need a ton of basil- last year I had maybe 8-12 plants and that wasn’t enough. We live for pesto. :) Man, I wish it were spring already!

      1. allathian*

        A friend of mine who’s really into using every edible part of a plant in cooking has made great pesto using carrot tops! We even have a commercial manufacturer that makes carrot pesto, it’s great. Lovely green color.

  22. Me*

    Soup question.

    We’ve had an entire night of freezing rain/sleet. It’s sitting on top of 4” of snow from the night before. I still have power. And heat.

    Did I mention I live in a forested area with huge fir trees all around the house? I’m starting to hear big booms. Probably branches. I think we are better off than many in the region, just because we are so close to the line where some folks got snow and some got freezing rain/sleet.

    What’s your favorite winter time soup? I need to cozy up to the fireplace today with a cup of yummy soup. I’m stuck in tomato/veggie soup mode. Kinda tired of it. I pretty much have ingredients for everything, certainly can’t travel to a store today and have some leftover roasted squash. Suggestions?

    1. mreasy*

      Butternut squash + green apple + coriander is one of my favorites. Just sauté an onion w salt, add half a diced apple & sauté til soft, then add your cubed butternut squash (about 1/2 squash to 1/2 apple but entirely up to you), coriander (the seed not the leaf, stock, seasoning to taste. Cumin and some smoked paprika are another good seasoning combo with butternut squash in a soup.

      3. Me*

        Yum! That is a contender for sure. I have honey crisp so I’m not sure that would be a good substitute for Granny Smith?

    2. Dee*

      No recipe but: I like squash, black beans, and corn together. I’d either: puree the squash and thin it with veg stock and dump the beans and corn in, or.. If the squash is like cubed, I’d start with a shortcut cream of something soup and then add the beans, corn, and squash. I’d also add cooked macaroni or rice cause I’m weird with my soups I think, and spices and maybe something acidic like a vinegar.

      possibly adding more liquid like something creamy (cream, shortcut with a cream of celery can soup, etc) and thinning it and add the

    3. Anonymath*

      Our new go-to is lamb and barley soup. Roast a lamb leg, cube it and add beef broth, mushrooms, diced tomatoes, carrot, celery. We’ll be throwing in some rutabaga because that what’s growing in the garden. Add pearl barley and cook until everything is done. It’s hearty, delicious, and keeps you warm.
      Also made some overnight crockpot congee because it’s cold in the mornings too.

    4. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Smitten Kitchen has a recipe called “Cozy Cabbage and Farro Soup” (I think it’s originally from the book Six Seasons).

      I don’t know if I would call it my favourite, per se, but it’s SO easy and requires no special or fancy ingredients. We’ve made it a lot this year.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Farro is AMAZING and makes the best ever warm salad with roast veggies, goat cheese, and balsamic.

      2. Me*

        That took me down a rabbit hole!!! I ended up ordering the six seasons cookbook, lol.

        I’m going to try this recipe next week though- been wondering how best to use the farro in my pantry. Thanks!

        1. Old and Don’t Care*

          Smitten Kitchen’s One Pan Farro with Tomatoes is great. I make it year round, with grape tomatoes.

      3. Pharmgirl*

        This is great! I got cabbage in my misfits market box I wasn’t sure what to make with, and just bought a new bag of farro. And 6 months ago accidentally bought a case of stock instead of a carton. I love recipes that help me use ingredients up!

      1. Me*

        Me too! I love making it from scratch but it’s also like a 3 hour prep, LOL!

        I’m going to thaw some thighs for next week.

      2. pieforbreakfast*

        I recently made broccoli cheddar soup with dumplings and it was great. Who knew dumplings could go in other things?

    7. Professor Plum*

      I recently made this butternut squash soup with coconut milk and curry. It’s yummy! ifoodreal.com/instant-pot-butternut-squash-soup/

    8. Legalchef*

      I made a really good lentil soup the other day (made it in the instant pot but you could do it in the stove). Chop a few carrots, celery stalks, 3 cloves garlic, and an onion. Brown some sausage (optional). Drain sausage fat if there’s a lot, dump veggies on top along with some cumin, coriander, salt, pepper, 2 c of lentils, 2 qt broth, and 1 can diced tomatoes. Cook until lentils are done. A few mins before eating, stir in some greens if you’d like.

      This makes a ton, so if you don’t want leftovers for the freezer then you can halve it.

    9. Susie*

      We’ve been eating so much soup recently–Below are our favorites

      https://www.bonappetit.com/recipes/article/healthy-slow-cooker-recipes: we eat this every 2-3 weeks because I will roast a chicken in the off weeks so we can use the bones for the stock for this

      Minestrone: https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2016/09/the-best-minestrone-soup-recipe.html. We basically follow the recipe in regards to timing of adding different ingredients, but change things up based on what’s left over from other meals

      We recently discovered this: https://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-slow-cooker-white-beans-in-parmesan-broth-229480
      It’s not particularly hearty, so maybe better for spring. But so good.

    10. Buni*

      I made a big batch of beetroot borscht yesterday – bought pre-cooked beetroot so all I had to do was stick them in a pan with a good base of red onion + stock, going to be awesome with a big blob of sour cream.

    11. Generic Name*

      Google sausage bean and kale soup. It’s made with mild Italian sausage links, white beans, and kale, and is very tasty. I’m not a big soup person, and I really enjoy this recipe.

      I also make something I call hamburger soup. Very simple recipe:

      1 lb hamburger
      1 tsp garlic salt
      1/2 tsp garlic powder
      1/2 tsp pepper
      2 cans kidney beans, undrained
      4-5 beef bullion cubes
      2 16 oz. cans chopped tomatoes
      2 cup water
      1/2 head cabbage chopped

      Brown hamburger. Add rest of ingredients and simmer for 1 hour.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Had a great Buffalo chicken soup yesterday – rich broth, chicken shreds, some corn and celery, and of course the hot-wing seasoning. I don’t have a recipe for this one, though I did find several variations online – if you like that Buffalo chicken hot-sauce flavor it might be worth a try.

      Soups I make myself: lentil and sausage, with some kale or other dark leafy greens. I like lentils anyway, and the greens can be fresh or leftovers or frozen or canned, whatever’s on hand.

    13. RagingADHD*

      Oh, onion, squash, chicken broth & thyme would make a lovely pureed soup. Maybe even throw in an apple.

      YUM.

    14. Parenthetically*

      My husband has an outdoor job, so in the winter I make soup every weekend so he can have something hot in his lunch. Last week I did chicken tortilla, the week before I did chicken noodle. This week I’m making spicy three-bean chili. Just off the top of my head, other recent ones we’ve loved: potato, leek, and corn chowder. Minestrone. Pumpkin and black bean (a Rachael Ray recipe, VERY good and simple). Curried brown lentil. Cauliflower and cheese. Zuppa toscana (a perennial favorite).

    16. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      Beef stew is always a winner for us! I brown the seasoned meat first before adding it to a crock pot with veggies, stock, and red wine.

    19. Bluebell*

      We made cauliflower soup tonight and it was delicious- used a Smitten Kitchen recipe. She also has a corn and cotija cheese chowder which is so good. I’m sure she has ideas for a good squash soup as well. Homesick Texan has a really delicious sweet potato and chipotle soup that is perfect winter fare.

    20. Square Root of Minus One*

      A huge fav of mine is a lentil/chickpea/spicy sausage soup.
      Cook 200g lentils in boiling water until tender, same for 200g chickpeas.
      Sauté two chopped onions, a big teaspoon of puréed garlic, about 100g of diced spicy sausage (chorizo does the trick but I like chicken better than pork).
      Put together and season to taste. Salt, pepper, paprika, cumin, coriander, whatever you like. I add a couple tbsp tomato sauce if I have an open jar.
      Put it in about 2 liters vegetable broth, 30 to 40 minutes in the cooker.
      My personal trick : once cooked, divide in two halves, purée one half and leave the other as, then mix again.

    21. Likethecity*

      Salt and Lavender has a great recipe for Instant Pot potato leek soup! I just made it again last night, it’s a favorite of ours that is frequently on rotation when it’s cold!

    22. DataGirl*

      I made cheesey potato soup and pretzel bowls Friday night, so good. Check out Yammie’s Noshery for recipes. Today I’ve got a huge pot of chili on the stove and made cornbread to go with it.

      1. DataGirl*

        ooh, another favorite is carrot, ginger, clementine soup. My recipe is from a German cookbook but there are probably recipes online. I like to make a savory carrot bread to go with it.

    23. allathian*

      My husband made some great pumpkin soup two years ago, basically boiled and pureed pumpkin with a bit of cream (non-dairy for a vegan version), season with salt or a vegetable stock and garnish with roasted pumpkin seeds (we cheated and bought the seeds separately, peeling them would have been more work than we were willing to do). He defrosted our freezer last week, what with freezer temperatures outdoors making it so easy, and found a box or two. Reheated in a saucepan and seasoned with chili sauce it made for a yummy light lunch on a cold day.

  23. Dee*

    Would it be rude to ask someone from a phone line specifyally to adjust their microphone?

    I’m having issues with being able to hear people from a particular organization. They have been doing things from home, and ever since they started, people’s individual equipment plus my sensory issues has led to me not being able to continue conversations, in a situation where calling back later doesn’t work.

    I have been letting people know that I can’t hear them. Some will adjust things and then I can hear them, while some don’t really know what I’m talking about and do nothing. I figure they have their equipment for ergonomics reasons. Asking about microphone adjustment might be something where I’m asking them to sacrifice ergonomics, depending on what specifically they’re using. Would it be something where it wouldn’t hurt to ask anyway, or should I not?

    1. mreasy*

      It doesn’t hurt to ask – just say, “I’m having trouble hearing you” and ideally that will prompt them to speak up or move the microphone. If it’s multiple people, and they seem to have the same equipment, they should be able to solve it in the same way. We’re all dealing with weird conditions and I’m sure you’re not the only person who’s had an issue.

      1. Dee*

        Yeah I do say that, and some people just completely do not understand that they are being hinted at to do anything. Which I get. It’s an issue that most people aren’t going to have in the same way I do due to my sensory issues so if you talk to a hundred people and most of them can hear you just fine you might be confused when one can’t.

        So I was thinking being direct from the get go would be a better approach, if it wasn’t rude.

        1. mreasy*

          Yeah I think you can be direct and ask them to adjust for your call – like John, I can’t hear you, is there any way you can get closer to your mic for this call or something. They may have things set up for ergonomics but changing it for an hour or less call should be fine. Though I understand your concern! Everyone wants to be comfortable in wfh life.

        2. Asenath*

          I think being direct is best. You can do that without being rude! Like everyone these days, I am online a lot, and it is very common for someone to have difficulty hearing.

          And as an example of how hinting is ineffective I will mention, but not name, a group in which someone had a lot of noise coming over their microphone – we could all see who didn’t have his microphone muted – and the group leader, instead of saying directly but politely “Joe, we seem to be getting some feedback – would you mute your microphone except when speaking?” or possibly just muting Joe, repeatedly hinted that someone must not have their microphone muted until a couple of group members addressed Joe directly in the chat. Do not be so tactful that your point doesn’t get across.

          1. Dee*

            Thank you! I knew I would be able to say it in a polite way but as someone with chronic pain I was wondering if that politeness would be canceled out by asking people to like put a crick in their neck over the phone! But from what everyone is saying I’m less concerned about that now.

    2. Dee*

      (Hope it’s okay to ask here now – while they are volunteers and that still might count as work for them, I’m not calling in any sort of work or volunteer context)

    3. LQ*

      Honestly, it’s really unlikely that the way they have their microphones set is for ergonomics reasons. The org they work for may not have paid for (or may not have been able to get) headsets for everyone, which is a potential reason for this. So many people are just using built in laptop microphones, which is brutally hard to understand.

      You are well within reasonableness to let people know you can’t hear them.

      You will not be asking anyone to sacrifice ergonomics, they may need better equipment, and if this is a place you talk with on a regular basis you can sometimes point that out that staff may need better gear. But there is a microphone for every kind of vocal situation. You are very much over worrying on this. Just say, “Hey, I’m really struggling to hear you, can you move closer to the mic or turn up your volume or something? My volume’s all the way up and I can still barely make it out.” I’ve done. “It’s really important I understand you so I really need you to adjust your mic situation.” I’ve occasionally asked people to go on camera if their mic is really bad and you can do a tiny bit better with a little bit of lip reading if it’s not too much audio delay.

      1. LQ*

        I see from your other note, is it not volume that’s the issue but that they are touching their mic and it’s getting that horrible scratching/thumping/mouthsmacky sound? If so you may need to explain that they need to move their mic slightly farther from their face. “It sounds like your mic is catching on something when you talk and I’m having trouble understanding, any chance you could try moving it slightly away from your mouth? I know that’s a weird ask but I’d appreciate it.”

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I don’t have an official hearing impairment, but I am convinced my hearing is going down. It runs in my family.
      I take calls on speaker with the volume turned all the way up.

      Some phones are worse than others. I dread cell phone calls. I try to keep going in conversation if I can get every 3rd or 4th word. But many times, the cell connection is just too awful. The next worse is the cable line phones, the voice goes in and out. oh help.
      But putting calls on speaker seems to be a magic bullet for me right now. There are phones with built in amplifiers. I had got a couple for the older people in my life and they worked well.

    5. Rick Tq*

      Ask for adjustments when needed. If you can’t understand the person there isn’t much reason to call instead of using e-mail.

      I use an inexpensive dual ear headset from Jabra at work for many of my calls. It is a wired USB unit (so low cost) and it helps a lot. I also am more than willing to tell people their laptop mic and speakers aren’t working properly, and those people are frequently the source of echoing on our calls.

      Ergonomics needs to take a back seat to clarity in communication, using a cheap microphone isn’t a good solution.

        1. Rick Tq*

          Have you tried using a headset? I use a Jabra Evolve 40 headset and having good quality speaker on my ears really helps. I have over-the-ear hearing aids so I can’t use ear buds or other in-ear headphones. I’d love to have over-the-ear units but they are a lot more than I’m willing to pay.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I freely ask certain co-workers if they’re using speakerphone because I’m having a hard time hearing them. If yes, I ask them to use the headset microphone for my call. Only one person has protested, and only briefly –we tried reconnecting, same problem, and when I cheerfully responded,”OK, then just send me this in an email because I really can’t hear what you’re saying!” they put on the headset.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Annnnd I just read updates to this page with your followup …sorry that this is not helpful as a result.

  24. mreasy*

    4 or 5 years ago, I sent Alison an email about a job situation I was dealing with. A few days later, I was going through a mental health crisis and wrote her back asking if she’d pull it. Alison had already scheduled it and written an answer but agreed to do so. This crisis landed me in an inpatient hospital a few days later. I know it’s been a long time but I still feel bad wasting Alison’s time on the answer – especially since it was a tough question and I imagine her work was very thoughtful. I have long since gotten a new job and I’m doing much better. But sometimes I think back to it and feel bad! Has anyone else had a similar experience with asking to pull a letter? Also, I’m sorry, Alison!!

    1. Quirky Law*

      Really glad to hear about your recovery.

      I’ve written to Captain Awkward twice. The first time, she published my letter with a nice response, and the comments were super helpful as well. The second time, I became irrationally afraid that I was the only person in my situation, and that the people involved would see the letter and recognize me. I wasn’t even saying anything that would hurt someone’s feelings, but I emailed the captain apologizing and asking her to disregard the letter. She sent me some very good advice privately, which I really appreciated.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am glad you are in a better place. Sometimes looking for real help has a couple of false starts as we fine tune what it is that we actually need for a given set of circumstances. I am glad you kept going and found something.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      It happens – don’t feel bad about wasting her time. As for CA – check today’s blog post re: “Guest Post Situation.” Her concern and care for her LWs is front and center, in a tricky situation.

      1. AnonToday*

        I read CA somewhat frequently (I’ve dropped off a bit) and didn’t realize that all was going on. I like the way Captain took accountability for the site’s part in hosting the letters and what changes would occur going forward.

        They’ve had some doozies on there from guest posters, I’ll never forget the one guest who got really defensive in the comments and insinuated that the OP was a bad person if they (also disabled person iirc) weren’t willing to put their disabled dad on their back and carry him up 3 flights of stairs. It was bizarre.

        1. Mstr*

          I still remember reading the response to that letter (not even the comments, the actual response) and thinking “Oh, no!!” Like imagine the state of mind you have to be in to write “since you have bought a house that isn’t very disability friendly because it adequately suits your own needs, you are of course now required to host & personally carry someone up three flights of stairs nevermind that you have a bad back yourself & the stairs are narrow & potentially hazardous . . . You have made your choice so lift him now and be prepared to keep on lifting as it is your duty & obligation . . .” My eyes just got wider & wider & I’m still in disbelief that this response was in earnest & had presumably been reviewed before publication . . . Just wow. I couldn’t go there anymore after that.

          1. AnonToday*

            The “you bought a 3 story house so therefore you are wealthy and Kardashian-level privileged” insinuations were gross too. The airport closest to my family member is surrounded by very affordable 3 story houses. Planes take off and land RIGHT over them 24/7 and it is a high-crime area. I would be shocked if any of the residents make enough to be considered middle class. It just seemed like such a shallow way of thinking.

            Also, mobility assistance is no joke and requires a good bit of training. I don’t know many people (even able bodied) that could just lift their father safely, never mind up 3 flights of stairs!

            I’m not sure if that was the last letter the person was a guest commentator for, but they definitely had more than one guest spot and regularly brought similar content into the comment section.

            1. RagingADHD*

              Safely for the dad as well.

              I got put in a position once where family members expected me to care for a relative who’d had open-heart surgery and wasn’t fully ambulatory. No training, not even a transfer belt. (The people who made this decision weren’t thinking straight, and it was sprung on me when they pulled up in the driveway.)

              She fell over on top of me trying to bring her in the house, and just…nope.

              I couldn’t even extricate myself without hurting her horribly. We just had to lie there until the ambulance came.

              “Just carry dad upstairs on your back” is a great way to break both their necks.

    4. RagingADHD*

      I once wrote to an advice column (not Alison) about a personal relationship situation, and then was worried the person would see it, making everything worse. I contacted the blogger asking to pull it.

      They refused, published with a reply in which they were a huge jerk, and added my request to pull the letter as more fodder to be obnoxious. It was very eye-opening about them as a person, and the quality of their advice in general.

  25. Greywacke Jones*

    Due to small children and general life stuff, I have found that my time and attention span has gotten rather fragmented. I have found that when I have small pockets of downtime during the day, I tend to default to scrolling through my phone. I’d like to be on my phone less, so I am looking for some activities to replace this that are similarly low-key, and can be picked up and set down easily. Preferably something that doesn’t require lots of small parts or sharp things (see: small children). Some things I have already thought of: 

    Adult coloring book
    Sudoku book
    Crochet? (I would be a total beginner, not sure I have the patience right now)

    I like to read but tend to save that for larger chunks of time when my kids are asleep, and I am super uninterested in knitting but open to basically anything else!  

    1. Dee*

      I thought crochet before I saw you had said it. I only know how to start and do the basic stitch but I love doing random rectangles, I find it quite relaxing!

      Coloring book made me think of puzzle magazine. Don’t know if you are into puzzles but upside would be one or two writing utensils instead of a lot of colors. My colored pencils seem to go everywhere and that’s without kids.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Crocheting granny squares is pretty easy, they’re quick and portable, not a lot of pattern to memorize, and when you have enough of them you can put them together for a patchwork blanket. (Depending on how old the kids are, they can help decide how the squares go together, for some whole family involvement?)

        1. Salymander*

          I used to crochet blankets that were one giant granny square, so I didn’t have to sew all those little squares together. You can make the rows in alternating colors, and you just keep crocheting until the blanket is the size you want. No sewing, no patterns. Great for small blocks of time or for using lots of leftover yarn or small lots of yarn from sales or even yard sales (in other words, you can do this on the cheap!). The finished blanket looks a bit like a giant, colorful square spiderweb.

          Using those small blocks of time, you can also learn a new language. I did that when my child was small, and I learned quite a bit of spanish and some sign language. I just practiced a few minutes here and there throughout the day (maybe 2-3 times a day?), and it all added up. I’m not fluent *at all*, but learning a bit made me feel productive and didn’t require much mental energy (with a colicky baby, I had no mental energy). There are phone apps for this now, so it will be way easier now than it was when I did it. My daughter is learning Japanese now with an app, and she is doing pretty well with it considering she only spends maybe 10 minutes a day at most. OP, I know you said you want to be on your phone less, but at least this way you would be doing something useful on your phone. And you can teach your children as you go, which can be fun too.

      2. MissCoco*

        Yes Crochet!
        It will be a bit of a learning curve of course, but once you get a few staples down (chaining, single crochet, double crochet, slip stitch) you can do all kinds of exciting modular things with granny squares, hexagons, African flowers, and others.

        Also dishcloths are super easy to start with, cotton yarn is cheap, and if you accidentally make too many, they are super as little gifts

        I got a color-by-numbers book for Christmas, and have been enjoying that as slightly more mindless even than regular coloring book where I have to pick colors

      3. NoLongerYoung*

        Crochet – that’s what I just took up. I am making these scrubby dishclothes – basically squares/ rectangles. Great colors, and my good friends do not mind that I’m still not quite square.

        I get a glorious sense of satisfaction each time I finish one. And, the better ones are now being given and mailed as gifts – small tokens of “thinking of you.” I’m churning out more than I can use.

        The bonus is, I am more patient with my elderly aunt and long-winded sister during phone calls… I can hook away and still hear and remember every word. :-)

        1. allathian*

          A coworker is always knitting or crocheting in work meetings when she’s neither leading nor taking minutes. She did this in person as well when we still had in-person meetings at the office. She’s very professional and a great employee, and I’m just so grateful that my job doesn’t care about optics. I’ve been considering taking up crocheting again, but haven’t actually done anything about it yet.

      4. Double A*

        I’m in a similar life place and the other day I suggested to my husband we should subscribe to some magazines. There’s more bite sized articles, but you can also kind of pick them up and out them down, and they’re more curated than just The Internet.

        We haven’t done it yet but are planning to!

        1. Fellow Traveller*

          I highly recommend subscribing to The Week. It gathers and summarizes articles from a variety of domestic (USA) and international news sources, and I like that I feel like I get a somewhat more balanced media diet than we were getting from, say, the New Yorker. We’ve been getting it for several months now and we like to read each other articles and discuss them. It also has great book recommendations and and fantasy (for us) real estate listings that are fun to look at.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Crochet is also extremely portable and low-investment: one hook sized to standard cotton yarn and a ball of that yarn. Often available from thrift stores, Freecycle, Buy Nothing, and tag sales.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          One more thing, knitting and crochet in are both things that kids can learn a lot earlier than we think. One of the string wizards I know started knitting when she was four. (Clothes for toys.)

    4. Holly the spa pro*

      I love handheld games for little pockets of downtime. Not all games are easy to pick up and put down but many are. The 3DS is pretty inexpensive now.

      Ive also been trying to do a lesson in duolingo instead of scrolling through instagram or some such.

    5. Greywacke Jones*

      To clarify, I am looking for something not involving screens. Between work and my phone I am feeling screened out.

    6. Susie*

      Mostly just sending solidarity and appreciation for this post. In a parenting group, there was a HUGE thread with book recommendations to read while the kids play. I was like How?????

      I am a knitter, but my 5 year old sometimes he decides he’s a cat and destroys my yarn….I have delved into crochet and curious about embroidery. I’m also trying to do more baking because my kids can engage somewhat but then get bored and do their own things.

      All that said, I tend take the down times to do chores so I have more time after the kids go to sleep to what I want to do.

      1. I heart Paul Buchman*

        If it is a help I have two tips to make knitting more childproof. The first is to knit even straight knitting back and forth on circulars as they are harder to pull out than straight needles. The second is to put your yarn ball in a tightly knotted drawstring bag (with the working end fed through the top), prevents kids rolling it around. Worked on my crawlers/toddlers.

    7. Adventurer*

      You can order basic cross-stitch kits online – cross-stitch is so easy and meditative, and you can just do a few stitches at a time and then leave the needle stuck in the cloth for when you pick it up again. Another fun craft is wool felting – can be very therapeutic to stab felting wool with a needle over and over again. : D (They also sell basic kits for this online. It’s way easier than you think to form little animals, balls to make garlands, etc.)

    8. Anon5775*

      There are small loom kits to make scarves and what-not and are likely easier to learn than crochet. And you could try short stories or collections of 1-2 page stories like Chicken soup for the soul books.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        My mom read magazines when we were that age.

        I think most of the traditional feminine crafts were done a lot by mothers who had the same challenges that mothers today have. Of course, a lot of them also involve needles and are rather slow going.

        1. Greywacke Jones*

          That is a good point. I’m glad I’m not dealing with cooking over an open flame while fending off toddlers or something.

    9. Deborah*

      Origami is pretty self contained and there’s some fun stuff you can do as a beginner.

      It sounds like you are trying to occupy your hands, but just in case, podcasts can be super portable and fill in time.

      1. Greywacke Jones*

        Origami, interesting. I remember trying to learn some from a book years ago and finding it hard to make sense of the picture. Would you recommend looking at videos?

    10. HamlindigoBlue*

      Crochet is a fun way to spend some time. There are tons of tutorials out there, and an entire set of crochet hooks aren’t expensive.

      I’ve started listening to audiobooks while I knit or crochet. I have library cards for two separate library systems, and between the two of them, their audiobook selection is really good.

    11. OyHiOh*

      Origami or quilling. You might like doodling patterns – I’ve got a handful I’ve done enough I can freehand them onto card stock anytime I want to send a card to someone – because you can do a little bit, come back and finish the same pattern or start something different.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      I like doing hand-sewn felt projects! I started with making a bunch of toddler-friendly ornaments for the bottom section of our Christmas tree but you can also make little 2D images/samplers, mini plushes, etc. My sister gave me a Klutz kit called “Sew Mini Animals” which is technically for kids but really fun and satisfying as a quick project.

      Similarly, cross stitch and embroidery are good, you can get kits for any level of difficulty or just “doodle” and practice stitches on a scrap of fabric.

    13. Teatime is Goodtime*

      I LOVE figuring out how to make my little corners of time useful! I have a toddler too and here are some things that worked for me:
      -Basting shapes for an English paper piecing quilt. This requires dedicated prep before hand, but once you get the hang of it, it gets quick and brainless and easy to pick up and put down at any time. I had a friend who even had a little tin with shapes and a pre-threaded needle with her at all times so she could do one or two while waiting for the bus and such.
      -Flash cards for learning a language. Like, actually physical flash cards. I can do five, I can do 20, I can do one… I can write them too!
      -Taking a dusting cloth and going over stuff. I hate dusting, but if I do it in my weird corners of time then it doesn’t feel too bad. And I get to put it down any time I need to with no guilt!
      -Sketchbook or other small notebook activity. For a while I had one in every room on a tall shelf with a pen or pencil in it all ready to go.
      -Learning new songs, kids songs or otherwise. I’d print out the text and start memorizing. Doubled as entertainment for the kid!
      -Stretching! I wish I did this one more. Sometimes I’ll do two squats or see how long I can stand on one foot. It accumulates! Also: sitting upright to work on your posture. I definitely need to do that one more!
      -I like the origami suggestion upthread. That is one I definitely use.
      Also: petting my cat, but that’s because she demands it…

      1. Greywacke Jones*

        Lots of ideas thanks. Good to remember exercise, I tend to be a bit all or nothing about that. Always good to move a bit!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I do try to get on my exercise bike during down time, including video calls where I am not doing much talking. I just go slowly enough that I don’t get short of breath. It’s still better than nothing. I’ve done a lot of ripping out of crochet projects though when I’ve tried to use it on the exercise bike while on a call!

    14. Fellow Traveller*

      I feel you! I have three kids too and being meaningful with the time when I need to be vigilant but not interactive is hard! My friend is teaching me how to juggle so I try to always know where my juggling balls are so that I can pick them up and practice in these moments. Other things I’ve been able to do: Listen to audiobooks or music while going on walks with my kids. Journaling – I have a journal with very small entries. Or I wrote something in a journal I keep for the kids. Calling friends to chat (though that admittedly kind of requires a screen these days). Leafing through cookbooks. Chores.
      I don’t know… some days I just stand in my kitchen and feel lost.

      1. Fellow Traveller*

        Oh… two more things I just thought of: I will do a short HIIT workout- lunges, push ups, squats (sometimes using the baby as a weight), that kind of thing. I do use my phone because I stream the workout, but I think one can just as easily do it without.
        Also I wrote haikus. Sometimes I just write them in my head and put them on paper later. It’s helped me find the small joys in the drudgery of life with small children.
        And I wanted to say something that has helped me with screen time was using the ScreenTime app on my iPhone to set limits on when I can use certain apps and for how long. For me, having my phone say, “You’ve reached your limit for today” really helps me think about how I want to spend my time.

    15. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      Do you embroider/Xstitch/Blackwork? There are SAL’s (stitch alongs) that give you a small part of the pattern each week. I’m a member of the Peppermint Purple SAL on Facebook and she gives us a small square or rectangle every Wednesday. It’s a year long SAL, and you can join in anytime that you want. And if you want the entire pattern all at once you can get last years SAL. It is free. Oh, and the Steady Thread is doing a year long SAL as well, also Blackwork but botanicals. Bigger patterns and those come out twice a month.
      There are embroidery and Xstitch SALs that are going on, on different groups, but Blackwork is my current obsession so that’s what I m doing. I really like the SALs, because they are small bits and if you get behind it doesn’t matter. I’m still working on my 2020 (needed new glasses and didn’t realize it).

    16. Slinky Malinki*

      Same boat! I successfully deleted Facebook from my phone, still do quick scrolling on AAM or Instagram but nowhere near what I was doing. My kids are 5 and 3. Here is what I’ve been doing:

      Stretching and mini-bouts of exercise! I am terrible at long stretching sessions, and don’t have a good setup for someone to watch the kids or to take them with me on serious workouts. But I can do small, “better than nothing” bursts scattered throughout the day.

      Decluttering one small area at a time. Your house may not need this, but mine does, and again it’s less daunting than the whole house. It has made a huge difference in my mental health to not look around and see messes everywhere! (I mean, it still gets messy, but not as permanently).

      We have a cool puzzle from Grimm’s that is a rainbow spiral of wooden blocks, and I sit and put it together in new designs. I find this meditative. It was pricy but will last!

      Going through photos and posting to Google photos for family and friends to see, or to the photo frames we got people for Xmas.

      Planning small remodeling/organizing projects, like building shelves or getting baskets to organize the pantry.

      Origami book and paper, or folding airplane book are also really cool!

        1. Slinky Malinki*

          I don’t comment often, so I just chose it in honor of yours! My best friend from New Zealand sent us Harry McClary and we got hooked on all of them!

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            That’s one of the few kids books I ordered without having read myself just from descriptions of other people online, and the American small kid in my family adored it.

    18. Gamer Girl*

      Crocheting washcloths and dishcloths is easy and forgiving–usually one of the first items you learn to crochet since the final shape doesn’t matter for the it to still be useful. All cotton yarn works well, and since you’re going to use it as a useful item you don’t have to worry too much about mistakes! If you want to learn some new stitches, youtube and crochet blogs have tons of good patterns to get started with.

  26. Goose*

    Now that I live in Miami, I realize the few words in Spanish I picked up from Duolingo are not cutting it. Does anyone have any advice on how to learn a language… Fast? Another software, a tutor, etc?

    I can pick up some words, but I think his problem is the speed that people talk

    1. nep*

      I would say a native-speaker tutor from around where you live, if you can afford it. I think the more you familiarize yourself with what you’re going to hear in your environs, the better.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I second nep’s recommendation to find a tutor. Other options : listen to TV or radio in Spanish.
      Also, give yourself time. You need to get used to the speed, the accent probably. If you’re talking to someone, you can ask them to speak more slowly depending on the situation.

      1. nep*

        Great points, tips.
        I often hear about this on the radio and keep meaning to check it out…News in Slow [Language].

      2. Pippa K*

        Tv and radio definitely help. Watching Spanish-language tv or films with subtitles on helps get you used to ordinary conversational speed while still letting you follow the story, recognize familiar words, and pick up new vocabulary. Netflix has some really good Spanish shows.

    3. Courageous cat*

      Where are you in Miami? I used to live in Edgewater for a little while right by the bay and it was lovely, but yeah, I struggled with the Spanish stuff too. There is a LOT more of it than you realize before you move there (especially Uber drivers). I mainly just did Duolingo but agreed that it wasn’t super helpful.

      If you need any recommendations, highly recommend checking out the Wetlab for some drinks – cheap as hell (especially for Miami), on the water and absolutely beautiful – and in the back of a grad school science department. Wild experience.

    4. osmoglossum*

      Yes, if you can supplement your online learning with a tutor for conversation, that would be ideal. I’m liking Babbel for online beginner/intermediate language learning. However, I much prefer live classes – whether in-person or Zoom.

    5. Amaranth*

      Try spanish television with english subtitles to help with hearing vocabulary and intonation. I think Telemundo has this option, and some of the shows on netflix.

    7. Healthcare Worker*

      UCF (University of Central Florida) in Orlando has a great on-line Spanish course that lasts about 8 weeks, if I recall correctly. It’s not for credit but for personal fulfillment. It focuses on functional Spanish that you would hear in conversation, etc. Every week there is a live on-line course but it’s also recorded if you can’t make the class or if you want to review it. It may be helpful to you.

    8. Elf*

      Get a Pimsleur audio course (expensive but your local library probably has it on CD). They are really designed for speaking and listening.

    9. Chilipepper*

      I work in a library and people learning English taught me to look for kids books on tape. If you can get the physical book and the book on tape and follow along, it helps a lot. Looking and listening together really seems to work. Kids books are great bc they go from beginner (picture books) to high school and can grow with you.

      Also, learning a few phrases like, sorry, my Spanish is poor, can make people happy you are trying and they instinctively slow down.

      Welcome to South Florida! I’m north of you, but still south. Lol

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Also pay attention to which region’s Spanish is being spoken. I studied French in school, and was frustrated when I could not understand the French language radio show I found. It was weeks before I realized it was produced for and by Haitian immigrants.

    10. Cats on a Bench*

      I also recommend working with a native speaking tutor. There’s also the News In Slow Spanish podcast that could help you get used to hearing native speakers. Be patient with yourself. It takes more time than you realize to pick up enough of a new language that it feels like you can converse on a variety to topics easily.

    11. Estudio*

      I recommend
      -SpanishDict, the best Spanish dictionary app I’ve found
      -Busuu: technically free but better if you spring for the paid version. Listening/reading/grammar exercises with spaced-repetition-system (srs) flashcards for grammar. It has a set course you can follow, put reminders on your phone, etc.
      -For a tutor, you can get someone online through iTalki or Tandem. Often tutors are about $10-$20 per hour. I HIGHLY recommend you find someone of Caribbean background, as you are most likely to encounter Cuban Spanish which is fast and a very difficult accent to learn for English-speaking Americans who learn Mexican or Spain-accented Spanish in school.

      Those are what I use, but the most important thing is to devote time and energy to whatever method you choose!

  27. WellRed*

    I was overpaid by UI. I qualified for three weeks but they accidentally paid me for either 5 or 6. I did pay taxes on the money. Not surprisingly, I’ve been unable to give the money back though I assume at some point the state will seek to recoup. Anyone else dealt with this? And, for the time being, I assume I just go ahead and file as is?

    1. 653-CXK*

      When I had UI three years ago, I was paid the full amount over 30 weeks; I did make sure that they took taxes out of each UI check – even though it was a small amount, it helped immensely when it came to tax time.

      I would contact your UI agency and let them know that you were overpaid, and ask them how to rectify the overpayment. Most likely, it’s an error on their part, but likely they will tell you to remit the overpayment. You will likely receive (or have already received) a 1099-MISC form, which will tell you how much you’ve received in unemployment benefits. If the 1099-MISC shows the extra amount, telling your UI agency you’ve been overpaid will trigger them to send you a revised 1099-MISC to file with your taxes.

      You could file your taxes as is, but later on, you may have to send an amended tax form (1040-X) once they’ve straightened out your UI payments. A tax advisor may be a better resource for this.

      1. WellRed*

        The issue is I can’t get ahold of UI. I left VM and sent emails. They are non responsive (to the point I only did it as a formality). and I don’t see this being rectified this tax season. I definitely won’t ever touch that money but I’d like to not be responsible for it any longer. Sigh. Nothing is ever simple,

        1. WellRed*

          I agree I’ll probably get some sort of amendment form down the road. Thanks for confirming I’m thinking in the right direction,

        2. 653-CXK*

          After listening to a newscast about our own states’ UI problems (being on the phone for hours, being hung up on) I can believe your frustration.

    2. Not My Money*

      I was overpaid 2 weeks (when they were just certifying people automatically but I’d gone back to work) but I can’t reach anyone at UI to figure out how to give the money back. Supposedly I’ll get a letter someday with instructions but not until they notice. I cannot figure out what to do until then.

      1. WellRed*

        Yeah, this is where my thinking has been, but getting the 1099 was a reminder I’ll have to deal with it eventually,

    3. WellRed*

      Well weird coincidence! I just now got a call supposedly from State office ( the number was right) to follow up on correspondence. He gave me his name agent number but I balked at giving him my DOB and last four of social. Which he said he needed to verify the issue (I asked if he could confirm what I emailed about). It was all very cordial but now I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll have to follow up with another email in case the call was legit (which I suspect it might be). Advice?

    4. Dan*

      Hang on to the overpayment, and they’ll come find you eventually. Just be ready to pay up when they do.

      The details are fuzzy at this point, but a few years back when I had to go on UI for a couple of months, I notified the UI office that I had a job and was terminating my UI. I can’t remember if I got a couple of extra checks or not, but I very clearly remember getting correspondence from the UI office stating, “Employer X has notified us that you have begun working for them effective Date Y. If this isn’t correct, please let us know.” Again, the details are fuzzy, but I found that communication a bit odd given that I had already notified them that I was closing out my UI claim due to a new job. It’s not as if they needed confirmation from a new employer to stop paying me, you know?

    5. Also on UI*

      Are you sure you were overpaid? If it was recent, it might have seemed like more money than you were eligible for because of the additional federal pandemic unemployment money.

    6. Otter Dance*

      The 1040 package (one page like fun!) has a spot for UI repayments **in the year they recoup it**. Report this year as though you were entitled to every penny. After all, you did receive it, even if you shouldn’t have.
      Don’t bother trying to initiate repayment. The UI bureaucracy will figure it out on their own eventually, and you don’t want it recouped twice.

  28. Needle Felting*

    Does anyone do needle felting? I’d like to start but have no idea what tools and materials I will need…the options are overwhelming! Any suggestions or favorite online sources?

    1. Holly the spa pro*

      I dont do felting per se but i experienced that same overwhelming feeling when i started working with resin. I found the most helpful resource was some specific youtube searches. Id try things like “needle felting for the absolute beginner” or “basic supplies for needle felting”. Videos like that will usually have links for supplies as well. Good luck, it looks like fun!

      1. Dee*

        the channel Maqaroon has some (felting for beginners, ten things you must know.I think she explains things in a very helpful way and her videos are well made and often relaxing even as they are teaching things.

    2. oranges & lemons*

      You don’t need too many materials to start. Just some wool roving in the colours you need for your project, some needles or a needle pen (it is a good idea to have backup needles because they can break) and preferably a piece of foam. For basic needle felting, you probably don’t need to get too finicky about the needle type. I’d recommend getting a pen to start because it makes it harder to stab yourself or break a needle.

      My advice is to pick an easy project that doesn’t require too many colours (my first was an apple) and just give it a try. It’s quite easy to do without a pattern or anything–it’s kind of like sculpting. If you’re willing to pay for a kit, that makes it easier to get started, since they provide all the colours you need and the idea for a project.

    3. RagingADHD*

      We started with a basic kit from a chain craft store. It’s nice to have everything for one project, and then you can add or upgrade if you decide you like it.

      We did not keep up with it.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I took this up last winter when I was stuck flat on my back and unable to walk decently for a few months. It was great fun and so easy to do – just stab stab stab into a ball or oval or whatever. No need to worry about counting stitches or anything like that. I bought a few kits – a snowman, a dachsund, and a chicken – and did all three and love seeing them around the house.

      If you get a kit they just send the needles, wool,and foam pad to you as part of the kit and then you just get going. The fact it was so easy made it attractive as I was in pain a lot of the time and didn’t have a lot of headspace.

    5. MissCoco*

      I used to do it as a kid, it’s shockingly easy to learn. Felting needles, a block of foam, wool roving (if I recall correctly merino is good as it’s very “grabby”), and an idea. I made all kinds of fruits with little faces, and some creatures too. I found blobby things to be most effective, as I’m not very good at sculptural art/putting things together in 3D

      If you want to get more sculptural you can wrap roving around little wires to make bases for thin bits.

      I picked it up after someone showed me at a fiber fair, which are great, but sadly, probably not going on much right now.

    6. Purt’s Peas*

      I started with a little fox that came in a kit from Michaels. It included instructions and absolutely everything I needed to make this fox. It was so fun and the animal came out really nicely.

    7. Skeeder Jones*

      I just started doing wool felt painting (2d vs 3d) and I’m seriously hooked! I bought a kit on Etsy that had everything I needed to get started (except for the “canvas” which is just a sheet of felt). I’m finding it pretty easy to get started and I’m on my 2nd piece. I love love love it!

  29. WellRed*

    Second question, also tax related. Mom just received a quarterly tax bill for my brother’s business. Because he was still alive and in biz during that quarter, I told her we are likely going to have to pay it. Does that sound about right? She has filed all the “death papers” etc. it’s about $700 so not the end of the world but she’s still paying for his cremation (had to use credit card). My regular reminder to have life insurance here.

    1. Asenath*

      You probably have to pay it since it is for a period when he was alive. I guess a lawyer would be an expensive option, but you might also contact directly the tax authorities and ensure that they do know his business is wound up so they don’t keep it on the tax list. It’s surprising how many different officials and offices want their own forms filled out and their own certified copies of the death certificate. I’m sorry for your loss.

    2. Not A Manager*

      It should be paid from the business assets, though, or I guess maybe from his personal assets. Unless you and she inherited any assets from him, you should be able to walk away from his debts.

      I think this is worth a phone call to a tax lawyer. For something like this, especially if it’s cut and dried, they will probably just tell you the answer during the initial consult and not charge you for it.

    3. fposte*

      Assuming it was his personal business, technically his estate has to pay it, not you and your mother. I think you’ve posted about this but I don’t remember the details. Was there anything in his estate that went to your mother and you? Did he have debts that exceeded its value? If you got nothing and his estate was insolvent, you don’t have to dig into your own pockets (but you may have to get paperwork in order). But if you got anything—am I remembering a vehicle that was to be sold, or was that somebody else?—the IRS is in line on that before you.

      If he incorporated, I got no clue, but it’s not likely to put you and your mom *more* on the hook unless you were officers.

      1. WellRed*

        The estate basically consisted of his “stuff” and a motorcycle we haven’t sold yet. Oh and a 20 year old F250 that’s parked at a friend’s for now ; ) Even that requires excessive paperwork. He was a one man mechanic shop.

        1. fposte*

          Ah. Well, there’s no option to sell the stuff and *not* pay the taxes, so I think you’re right to plan to do so.

      2. Generic Name*

        Agreed that your brother’s estate would owe the money, not his surviving family members. Please don’t go ahead and pay out of your own pocket on his behalf. People die all the time owing money, and there’s an entire court system set up to deal with it (probate court), which by the way moves very very slowly. Who is the executor/ personal representative of the estate? If there is none, then I think the state deals with everything. I’d hang on to anything you get until someone asks for it, which may not be for a long while.

        1. WellRed*

          No probate required because of the low dollar amount of his estate. At the most I think she’d do a payment plan but for now, she’s not planning to do anything. I just want to make sure we don’t fun afoul of anything. You guys are all so helpful.

          1. Generic Name*

            I guess it’s different in every state because every death in my state goes through probate court. I wouldn’t pay a bill that didn’t have my name on it.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      The bill should go to the estate, NOT to the two of you.

      If the estate can’t pay it, then an attorney will need to jump in here with advice.

      While YMMV, my friend lost her husband. Hubs left behind a ton of credit card debt. Since the accounts were in HIS name only and he was DEAD, the attorney said to just notify the creditor that he died. My friend was not on the hook for all of her husband’s random debts.
      Again, YMMV with state laws, special circumstances and unforeseens. My best advice is do not pay it until you know you absolutely have to.

    5. Anono-me*

      A good set of auto mechanics tools is usually quite valuable and tends to hold its value. (It is pretty hard to wear out a screwdriver.) Your family may want to reach out to someone knowledgeable about auto mechanic tools before selling. Also, maybe a recent trade school grad, might make a good deal for the entire kit.

      Building on Wellreds reminder to have life insurance. Many Credit Unions offer life insurance with a payout of $1,000 with their membership. Most Credit Union memberships cost $5. So even if you can’t afford a monthly payment, maybe you can swing a single $5.00 payment (or two). But you do have to watch your mail for the opportunity to sign up for the $1,000 life insurance policy from the Life Insurance Company. And because it is a marketing tool, sometimes you have to re-sign up every year.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      It might seem expedient, but don’t pay this bill out of pocket. A lawyer advised my parents not to start paying bills of my late grandmother’s because my parents could then become responsible for even more bills that rightfully belonged to the estate. (My grandmother was poor, so some bills likely went unpaid.)
      Get legal advice.

  30. Anonymous Today*

    I recently learned that my husband of 25 years had a year-long affair, and I’m struggling to figure out what to do. It’s devastating and a huge betrayal. We’re in couples counseling which is helpful for figuring out what happened but not so much for what happens next. He is very apologetic and wants to rebuild our relationship. I’m really torn and waver back and forth about whether I want to salvage the marriage (which was generally pretty strong before this) or get divorced. I can’t imagine how I can ever trust him again, yet I also can’t envision my life without him. (My feelings change at least weekly!) I’m not rushing myself to make a decision, but I also don’t want to be in limbo for a long time. Any advice on dealing with infidelity in a long-term relationship?

    3. Workerbee*

      I am so sorry.

      My only advice would be not to put pressure on yourself to unequivocally decide anything. He’s had a full year of knowing what he was doing. You just found out. You get to take all the time you need, and he does not get to pressure you either, no matter how sincere his “I’m sorry, let’s rebuild!” sentiments are. This is something he chose to do; his choice was foisted on you. Perhaps having your own counselor as well would help.

      Chump Lady online could be a good resource for just thinking about everything and hearing from others in similar situations.

      And in the end, let your choice be what you truly want, not what you decide after you’re tired from the hours of therapy or eager make-up dinners or tension in the air. Best of luck to you!

    4. Not A Manager*

      It would matter to me whether the affair was in the past when I discovered it, or whether it was still going on. It would also matter how long in the past it was, and how trustworthy he had been in the meantime.

      I do think that your c o u n s e l i n g should be helpful in figuring out what to do next. You can talk about what rebuilding trust would look like, and you can also talk about what separation would look like. It might help you to have someone of your own to talk with, as well.

    5. fposte*

      I have a sibling who reconciled after a spouse’s affair. They both did extensive therapy and the reconciliation has definitely stuck; they were something like 25 years married at the time and it’s been 10 years since then.

      I’m definitely somebody who prefers to make a decision rather than to keep churning something around, but this seems like somethingbwhere the churning has real value. What if you redefined limbo as something else? What if you focused on what you’re certain about rather than what you’re not, and what you feel today rather than what you’re planning for 20 years? “Percival and I are separated but cordial, with the occasional date.” Could you find a summation like that (or whatever fits your situation) definitive enough to carry you for the time being?

      1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

        Yes. I think we often feel an urge to make a decision because that removes a lot of the anxiety around uncertainty. And it is so deeply disquieting to be carrying around the weight of a decision like that with you.

        But there is value in allowing yourself to sit with the discomfort of ‘not knowing’ for a little while. Try to be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion if you can.

        And remember, deciding to stay for another day doesn’t mean you need to stay for another year. And staying for another year doesn’t mean you need to stay for another ten.

    6. Courageous cat*

      I’m sorry! My recommendation at a time like this would be to separate for a while. Stay with family, in an AirBNB, or short term rental of some kind, and see what life is like without him. I feel like the only way you’ll be able to decide one way or another is to get some real physical space from the situation and see how you feel once you no longer live together.

      This is on top of counseling, of course.

    7. Yellow Warbler*

      I’m so sorry. I am the type of person who can’t give second chances for infidelity, it’s just too intrinsic to my value system. I left, and I don’t regret it.

      You never really know your own feelings on something like this until it’s no longer theoretical. I’d say to give yourself time to figure it out, and demand the space from him to do so without influence/guilt/obligation.

    8. RagingADHD*

      Individual counseling is the exact right place for figuring out confusing feelings and what you want.

    9. I Want To Go Outside.*

      This happened to me in 1985, my partner (of 2 years) and my closest friend. I thought I would die from rage and grief. I went no contact for 6 months, then we bumped into each other through random coincidence. We started talking and slowly got back to seeing each other. I’m not proud of this, but I would go back to her place and sleep with her to show her what she was missing. I couldn’t sustain the rage, I enjoyed her company, and so we slowly got back together. I can’t imagine living with her while all this was going on. I needed to know that I had other options while I decided whether to give her another chance. And I took my time deciding, and she knew that me deciding that I wanted to end it was a serious option. I needed her to know that.

      Two years later we bought a house together, which was the only act of commitment open to us, we got married when we could (yay equal marriage) and we are still together 36 years after we first met. It worked because she was truly remorseful and felt she had no excuse at all. She also agreed to break all contact with the friend. And she was willing to wait while I was deciding what I wanted. After we had reconciled I got flashbacks of rage and humiliation for at least a couple of years, but they slowly faded out.

      Coincidentally, we were talking this morning about getting together when I was so young, and I said that I’d probably missed out on some good sex (but lots of bad sex) but on the other hand I’d never had my heart broken, and in that instant I truly believed it. |She gave me a funny look and I said Oh yeah…….. So I’m living proof that you can so completely forget a heartbreaking betrayal. I think it’s because it’s been overlaid with so many memories of all the good things we have.

    10. LNLN*

      Here is the thing that helped me the most: realizing that what really mattered was not whether I could trust him, but that I could trust myself to handle however things turned out. We separated briefly and that space and time really helped me. It was scary at the time, but I am glad we did it. We did stay together (married 41 years now) and have a very good marriage. But I knowing that whatever happens (he leaves me, he dies, he develops a chronic illness, etc.), I can handle it is what gave me the courage to stay in this relationship. I wish you well!

  31. Crowley*

    I feel like this is a ridiculous question, so, sorry in advance.

    So for the last three years I’ve been wavering about whether to move or not. Nearly 3 years ago I moved back into “the marital home” after moving out for a few months when I left my ex husband. I didn’t really want to be here but it felt like the best option for various boring reasons.

    At the end of last year I realised that I’m just done, I need to be out of here. But due to the state of the universe it’s taken me until now to get up the momentum to even take the first tiny steps in making this happen.

    The place is currently what you might kindly describe as a mess. I have largely got over my hoarding instincts, so I’m happy to let a lot of the stuff go, but… I don’t quite know how?? There are piles of stuff everywhere and I don’t know how to get the place in a condition to be able to get an estate agent round to value the place or god forbid take photos!

    What I think would help is someone coming round and kind of walking me through the start, to gain momentum, but, I’m in the UK and the only person who can come into my house is my bubble and to cut a long story short they can’t come in for a while. I don’t really have any storage space so it’s also all THERE and I don’t really want to spend a lot of money buying storage that might not work for wherever I move to.

    TLDR: how do I get started decluttering when it feels way too overwhelming to even start and I want to cry whenever I try.

    1. CTT*

      I bet you could hire someone from a cleaning service that specializes in this sort of thing to walk through the house with you virtually. It won’t be the same as letting someone loose in person, but it could be a good start.

      1. Crowley*

        Oooooh there’s something I hadn’t thought of! I’m all for throwing money at the problem. Thank you!

        FWIW I’ve just been having a think and it’s not even that I haven’t got started yet – I actually have – it just feels like even though I’ve started, there’s just so much to do that it’s not worth carrying on. Getting someone who’s used to doing this kind of stuff onto it might actually help me know that it’s worth carrying on.

      2. Venus*

        Also, if you can’t find a professional with the decluttering specialty then you can still ask local cleaners about helping you. I have a family hoarder who has relatively little money, so they found someone local who came and cleaned their home weekly, and each week the cleaner would do a deep clean of the decluttered part in addition to a quick clean of the earlier parts. The hoarder couldn’t cope with cleaning and decluttering, but had the energy to deal with the clutter when someone else was doing all the cleaning.

    2. WellRed*

      Since you can’t currently bring in outside help, can you at least start with the stuff that’s absolutely junk? (Broken appliances. Moldy books. Magazines). Rent a dumpster or hire someone to haul it off (not sure what UK options are). Then, when it’s time to consider, say, donating bettter items, maybe you’ll feel more confident or will be able to bring in help. I also recommend tackling at a time one thing or room or whatever makes the most sense for you.

      1. WellRed*

        Oh, just saw other comments, yes, my first recommendation would be to hire a pro. Didn’t think that was an option.

        1. Crowley*

          To be fair I didn’t think of it until the other comment!

          …. I also didn’t think of renting a baby skip and putting stuff in. Oooh. That is actually a really good idea, I don’t have a car so struggle because I can’t easily get rid of the big stuff. If I have a skip coming that’s quite an incentive to have a load of stuff ready to put into it! Thank you!

          1. Pippa K*

            Yes! We had one for a DIY remodelling project, and having it sitting there prompted me to clear out some other awkward clutter. Such a relief knowing someone else was going to take it away!

    3. Teapot Translator*

      I’m not in the UK, so I don’t know if it exists there, but can you hire a dumpster? Here, there’s the 1-800-GOT-JUNK option. This would take care of the stuff that is definitely trash. They park it in your driveway and you put the stuff in.
      Maybe Unfuck Your Habitat has some recommendations on this? Like start by setting yourself a timer of 20 minutes and focus on one tiny area?
      I get the wanting to cry. When it’s someone else’s stuff, I have emotional distance, but my own stuff, it’s not just stuff, you know? It’s regrets, memories, dreams, whatever.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My father had lost his primary house, so he moved the contents into his seasonal home. The seasonal home was kinda full before he started adding to it. By the time he passed, his seasonal home was full to eyeball level with little footpaths through each room. If I wanted something in the corner of a room, I had to start by removing items that were right at my feet and solid-packed to that corner.
      I understand what happened and why. But it didn’t keep me from getting pretty angry.

      Get a dumpster.
      Put things on the front lawn with free signs.
      Donate/give away stuff.

      I started the mess by just taking away the things I was 100% certain I did not want. I was careful to get rid of broken things because I did not want a stack of items to repair.

      Go ahead and cry. Any thinking person would be in tears for many reasons. I did things like allow myself a timed cry- I could cry for 10 minutes then I had to get up and do some more. Sometimes I just leaked some tears and kept working. I found rest was super important because it is an emotional drain- all these different emotions come out. I could have run for 5 miles and been LESS tired. So rest should be a part of your daily plan for tackling this.

      I have emptied 4 houses and I refuse to do it any more. However, one pattern I saw was just when I thought I could not work on the house any more and we were never going to finish, that was when a dam burst and I could see a finish line. So it can get very dark, but in my experience when it is darkest is right near the time the project is finished. I just did not realize how close I was to finishing.

      1. Crowley*

        Another good point: I think part of the reason it feels overwhelming is that the more layers I get rid of, the more past traumas are uncovered and need to be dealt with. Which is actually a good thing, it just feels overwhelming and scary as the process is ongoing. But that’s something I can work with, too, and cry breaks sound like they might actually be really useful for me! Letting the emotions out in manageable chunks ftw, haha.

        1. Generic Name*

          Oh man, cathartic decluttering. I still live in “the marital home” and plan to for the foreseeable future, but I still got rid of plants of things that had bad memories, or simply just things I didn’t want anymore (I’m looking at you, giant box of coaxial and hdmi cable). Honestly? It felt great. Yes, I did sit and have a cry over some things, but it was such a weight lifted to have certain things gone.

          Whatever path you take, please allow yourself time to feel whatever you are feeling, even if it slows the process down.

          1. Parenthetically*

            100% agree. Name the feelings (“Seeing this Doo-dad makes me feel sad and angry”), accept them (“It’s okay for me to feel sad and angry, all feelings are fine”), and take a break or don’t!

          2. NoLongerYoung*

            NSNR and other here were so helpful when I was decluttering. I’m down to the last closet after over 1000 cubic feet (seriously – much much more) of stuff.

            The decluttering was about the feelings. In general, I did these things:
            1) Sell the valuable (you can use the money to help jettison the junk).
            2) it’s like unraveling a knot… some days, just start with the closest, easiest thing. Anything you do is a positive step.
            3) reframe your thinking where possible. I donated a lot. I found a computer friend who fixed an older laptop (and purged it) so that a youngster in his caretaker’s circle, had a school machine.

            I looked at everything I “rehomed” as freeing it up to serve the needs of someone else. I didn’t need it – but someone surely did somewhere. I found (here in the US) free on craigslist or free on facebook local group, with porch pickup, had folks stopping and just taking. (I tried to group some things).

            4) I actually found a junker guy who came and got much of the stuff – I didn’t pay, he got it for free, he probably sold it but… I did not have to touch it. Just set it outside and he took it.

            5) with some of the free things, I found a few good people and I kept their contact info. Then when I found more, I just sent them a picture and they came and picked up more.

            6) Trusted pod friends- they came and sat outside and helped me sort and clear on the patio table(s). I set up folding tables and we sorted. I had “cleaning parties” for a couple hours on Saturdays outside (in good weather – and I have an open but covered patio)… and chatted and sorted and they dropped things off at donation stations when they left in their cars. I will be forever grateful for the friends who regularly and routinely came alongside me and supported me in the emotional clearing. I often only prepared and did these because one of them was coming. (We have subsequently traded many “do for” each others, including dog sitting and sewing/mending/baking which I can do for them).

            Most of all – be patient with yourself. I learned to be excited with each box that left. It didn’t get that bad overnight. I did have to call and do a zoom support with some friends on occasions as I cried and shredded pictures of the (difficult things). I did not do those in the beginning – they went far from sight immediately. I didn’t even think of them until I was ready. I still have two boxes of pictures and bad papers in the back of the last closet. But bit by bit, I made headway. You can too. Sending a hug.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          An odd, unanticipated thing can happen.
          I found myself changing and the work did seem easier in small ways.
          For example: Once I decided to get rid of my mother’s wedding gown (too small for me and I was already married.) I found it easier to let go of that old dresser or old painting. Some decisions are harder than other decisions. Suddenly, those other decision can appear easier after working through a few tough calls.

          The other thing that bubbled to the surface is that I found parts of myself in that I began to identify what was actually important to me and what was not important to me. I learned I was more practical than I ever imagined. In a silly example, I donated my father’s pots and pans. I have good pans, I don’t need extra. This decision alone got several boxes of cookware out of the house. But sheets were different. Sheet wear and can rip. Having an extra set or two made sense. After making some of these types of decisions I recognized patterns in what I was doing and I started making decisions and working quicker.

          You may find that your thought process evolves and changes in positive ways. I was surprised to see these changes.

    5. Never Nicky*

      I agree with throwing money at the problem – especially if you compare that with a price on your time.

      Whether that’s a declutterer, skip or house clearance I guess depends on what you have, the condition it’s in and what you want to keep.

      Lockdown regulations here in the UK specifically permit cleaners and domestic help, plus tradespeople so you should be able to find to help.

      Good luck!

    6. Also decluttering*

      I started decluttering while listening to related podcasts, and the one I liked best was The Declutter Hub. They have some episodes about limited tasks that might help you get started, like one on decluttering your junk drawer, another on decluttering the cupboard under your stairs, one that is all about socks! Personally I find that starting with one drawer or cabinet, preferably one that is fairly easy to deal with, is a good way to get started, and then you build up some momentum. The hosts talk a little bit about their fee-based services, but not nearly as much as some other organizational podcasts which spend half the episode trying to sell you a $40 organizer.

    7. Crowley*

      It’s funny, I posted here feeling like I’m right at the beginning, but I think posting helped me process a bit – actually I’m not at the beginning. I posted 4-5 weeks ago about not feeling able to get rid of my old wardrobes and posting here helped me actually do it and now they’ve been gone like a month. So some of the stuff that’s lying around is because it’s no longer in the wardrobe, and because things are actually moving. I’ve got rid of a mattress that’s been in my kid’s room for years, I sold something I’ve been trying and failing to get rid of for free for like 18 months, I got new curtains for the kid which have been needed for approximately forever. And I actually spoke to a mortgage advisor, after getting a number for one back in November.

      I think it’s not that I’m at the beginning of the process, it’s that now I’ve started I can see how big the process is, and that feels overwhelming, and all these comments are actually helping with that, too.

      But I think renting a little baby skip will help, and hiring someone to do a virtual walkthrough to see what I need to do first will also help.

      2. I Want To Go Outside.*

        Is your local authority still helping with disposal of big things? The last time I used it it cost about £25 for up to 5 items. It’s run as part of the waste collection service (dustbins etc) I’ve also discovered that one of their “household items” skips is a short walk away , with a bunch of recycling skips, and I’ve been loading up carrier bags to put in the right skip.

        1. Crowley*

          They are, but the costs are…. let’s say unpredictable. When I got rid of the wardrobes the website told me it was going to cost £120 but when I called it cost £30, which made no sense at all from what the website said. Also there’s a delay of 2-3 weeks from booking it, and you have to either cover stuff so it stays dry or keep it inside. I’d honestly rather pay for a skip, at least I wouldn’t have to wait as long!

          Also our tips aren’t accessible by foot. Drives me bonkers. You’d think they WANT people to flytip the stuff :(

    8. Anono-me*

      It might be helpful to go through things with an attitude of “I don’t need/use this; it must go to someone who does need it.” It won’t help with stuff that is too bad and must thrown away, but it will help with lots of stuff. (Don’t make charity pay their trash service to throw your trash away.)
      Clothes and household goods, sometimes even furniture (in good condition) can go to Abuse shelters for people rebuilding their lives.
      Old clothes and blankets that are no longer in good shape can go to pet rescues or charities that make rag bags to sell for cleaning.
      Reuse Art organizations will take lots of odd stuff for artists to use.
      Obviously you will need to do some research and make a few calls, but I always find it easier to share stuff with someone who needs/wants it.

      Also, one of the smaller church charities that I deal with sends people out to help gather stuff out of house and haul it away. (Pre covid, temporarily suspended)

      1. tiasp*

        At the same time, if trying to find the best place to dispose of things is paralyzing you (or you know where you want them to go but you can’t seem to get to the point where you get rid of them), it’s okay to just throw things out.

    9. Piano Girl*

      A couple of suggestions; look into Flylady.net. She divides your house into sections and you work in that week’s section and move to the next section the following week. She encourages her to get a dumpster at first to help.
      The other suggestion is if the house is really bad. My sister-in-law was a hoarder. She was also in really bad health. When she passed away, we realized that we would have to hire a hazardous waste company to deal with it. Instead, we decided to sell the house as is (there is a market for this!) and walked away with the cash. It It was definitely the right decision.

      1. Generic Name*

        Yes! I hear so many people say that their house is not sellable because it’s not totally updated and fixed up, and in most markets that’s simply not true. I wonder if it’s HGTV’s influence? Sure, you won’t get top dollar for a run down house, but in most places if you set the price right, you can sell your house.

    10. *daha**

      Would the rules allow a cleaning crew to go into your house while you are out of it? And could you be somewhere else, like a hotel, while this happens? I know there are companies that work under these circumstances in the US, but I don’t know what is available in the UK.

    11. Fish Microwaver*

      You have started. You have made the decision to declutter and move. The initial decision is often the hardest part.
      Are you able to engage a professional declutterer, who could assist you with decision on how and where to start removing stuff? I’m sure there are declutterers who could do it virtually. This step would accentuate the momentum you already have. Maybe some online counselling would validate your decisions and help you process your sadness.
      Another resource could be the “Unf*ck Your Life” website.
      Good luck to you. I hope you feel better with every passing day.

    12. chi chan*

      You could try the Marie Kondo Method. Her series on Netflix shows her going to people’s houses and helping them but the method is pretty simple. First bless your house for sheltering you. Then declutter by category. She starts with clothes, then books, then papers, then miscellaneous(kitchenware, tools) and last sentimental items. Make a pile of all the category items in one place. Hold each item. If it sparks joy keep it, otherwise discard. By the time you get to sentimental items you have a lot of practice. Watching the episodes over a few days helped me get in mind for my own decluttering.

      1. llamaswithouthats*

        I enjoyed this show! The method actually seems very streamlined, as it’s divided into 5 categories. And it focuses on what you want to keep. You get rid of whatever it is you don’t want in the end.

    13. 00ff00Claire*

      You can check out the blog A Slob Comes Clean by Dana White and her book Decluttering At The Speed of Life. She has practical advice of how to work through clutter when your starting point is overwhelming. She also has specific advice about dealing with stuff that is also emotionally overwhelming. Her advice might come across as pretty basic and repetitive, but it really is helpful.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        This is my current favorite because it allows for improvement over time. If you have too many X items to fit in the container where you store X, pick your least favorite to donate. If you have only a little energy at that point do only a little bit. Marie Kondo’s method requires a large initial investment in time and energy that I found overwhelming. But I did like her thoughts about how to decide which was my least favorite.

    14. twocents*

      My grandparents were hoarders, my grandfather more than my grandma, and when gpa died, everything stayed the same because it’s been too overwhelming for her to know where to start.

      My suggestion would be to pick something small. A shelf, for example, and tell yourself that’s all you have to do today is make a decision (sell, donate, keep, trash) everything on this tiny shelf. Once you find the momentum to start, I think you’ll find it gets easier. Also don’t be afraid to be ruthless; I know it can feel like “ahh, I’m putting all this garbage into the world” but it already exists and carting around junk out of guilt won’t serve anyone.

      Have strength friend!

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One other thing that has helped me is posting items on Freecycle and Buy Nothing, and occasionally scanning the ‘in search of’ posts.
      I find it much easier to get rid of usable objects when I know someone wants it. Family lost everything in a fire? The urge to help gives me energy to part with my extra X, Y, and Z.
      (Bonus, Freecycle and Buy Nothing the come pick it up from you.)

    16. Crowley*

      Thank you all, so so much, for all your comments. You know that stage that you often get to with a clear out where you’ve got out all the stuff and everything is much worse? Well, for the first time EVER, today I’ve actually…. moved past that and dealt with the vast majority of the stuff I got out. Loads of paper has been shredded, loads of stuff is in the recycling bin, a bin bag is half full and waiting in eager anticipation of bin day on Thursday, by which time hopefully it will be full and have some friends (…. actually can’t put it in the outside bin yet because that is already full, oops).

      There’s still a lot to do, but I’ve actually got an awful lot further on my own than I thought was possible in a single day, and that’s not even taking into account that I had a two hour (socially distanced) walk with a local friend.

      I feel like the wind is finally behind me. I’m actually on leave this week coming and normally i don’t make this much progress even by the end of my leave, then fall into a pit of despair! Amazing what you can get done with the virtual support of such a good crowd of people as live here <3

      1. tiasp*

        That’s wonderful! Good work! I get stuck on that – I usually clean by making a pile somewhere of everything that shouldn’t be there, and then I fail to deal with the pile. So I think it’s HUGE that you dealt with it.

    17. Otter Dance*

      Eat the elephant one bite at a time.
      Whether that’s one sack of trash / donations, or one half hour of effort, just think of that one bite at a time. If you have the “oomph” to do another bite after a cup of tea (or other break), go ahead.
      I would caution you to get that sack OUT promptly, before you’re tempted to take anything out again (my own weakness). I frequently have several bags or boxes for the donation center in the back seat of my car, waiting for the next time I’m going that way.

  32. Nola*

    I am pretty bummed out. New Orleanians responded to COVID cancellation of parades by decorating their houses by the thousands. I’ve seen a lot but there are more than 3,000 listed on the Krewe of house floats map.

    If the weather wasn’t so awfully cold and wet (maybe freezing rain on Lundi Gras!) I’d be spending the next 4 days chasing the site of even more of them. Now my alternate Mardi Gras plans are cancelled too. As an introvert and someone who likes cycling around the city this would have been a pretty fun if weather.

    OTOH this is looking like possibly the second coldest Mardi Gras on record and in a normal Mardi Gras parade season the whole city would be super bummed by the weather because it ain’t no fun watching parades in this weather either.

    Now I’m trying to figure out how to occupy myself indoors for the next 4 days all by my lonesome. As an introvert alone is usually okay but I really have nothing I want to do with my outdoor plans ruined. We in south Louisiana are just not prepared for this weather and hunker down when it gets this cold plus everything is wet and humid. It’s a very wet cold.

    Fingers crossed that I find an enthralling book or movie.

    2. Workerbee*

      This is coming out of left field and you didn’t ask, but I’ve been newly captivated by Lindsay Ellis on YouTube. I haven’t even looked up exactly who she is, but I have been quite entertained—even enthralled—by her “Joel Schumacher’s Phantom of the Opera: A Video Essay.”

      I hear you about hunkering down. We’ve got zero and below temps all this month, it seems. If it cracks 20 degrees F, we’d be relieved. And there’s a big difference between bundling up because you know you can stand it outside for a bit, and venturing forth onto icy streets where accidents are waiting to happen.

    3. fposte*

      So not the same, but when I looked this up (and thank you for mentioning it because I love this kind of thing) there seemed to be quite a few picture galleries and videos.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I posted with URLs to some photos but Alison hasn’t cleared the post yet. They are amazing!

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      Okay, here’s a ridiculous idea if you have any craft supplies. Do you remember, as a kid, making little Mardi Gras floats out of inverted shoe boxes and wrapping paper and paint and beads? Maybe have a craft-in, if you’ve got the supplies, or can squint at random junk in your house until it looks like craft supplies. Garbagey-gras.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My sympathies. I took a four-day weekend, and the weather is what is politely called a “wintry mix”. I do not want to type out my impolite description.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        Yep! That’s it. Now-a-days most plans have to be set outdoors anything long-planned can be upended by bad weather.

        It is especially bad this week/weekend with folks stuck indoors and mostly unable to drive because of safety at this time.

  33. Workerbee*

    Keep or Toss? A clothes discussion:

    In ordinary times, I’d pare down my wardrobe if I hadn’t worn an item for a year (or it no longer sparked joy, etc.).

    In these times, I’ve been wearing perhaps 1/4th of my wardrobe because I’ve been basically just going to grocery or hardware stores since last March.

    I’ve been getting the itch to pare down my wardrobe, but worry I’ve just got a pandemic lens on that is skewing my spark, and that I’ll regret getting rid of clothes I’ll want to wear again someday. I just can’t really see when that someday will be.

    At the same time, it’s sunk in that some of these clothes take maintenance like ironing, are fussy with buttons, or don’t really, truly, 100% feel good against my skin. Yet they’re still pretty to me and I like looking at them. Arrgh!

    Have you been in a similar clothes quandary? Or have you been able to decide for real what you want your wardrobe to contain from now on?

    1. WellRed*

      Yes! But though I’ve also bought one or two new clothing items during the pandemic, overall I see how much less I not only need but honestly? Wear even in normal times. Totally adopting the idea of a “uniform” for work going forward ( think Steve Jobs, but not as drastic).

      1. Workerbee*

        Yes! I keep thinking of a work uniform as well for when I may have to go back to the office. I am secretly hoping to get away with my more comfortable pants that I’ve been living in.

        I have a whole bunch of non-work summer clothes that I just didn’t wear at all. I am now considering just bagging them up and seeing if I even remember them when summer gets here again.

    2. CTT*

      Same here! I went through my clothes in January and I did keep a lot of the work and going-out stuff I haven’t worn just because… it didn’t feel fair to put them in the donate pile. They never had a chance in 2020 to prove their worth! But I did pare down some casual clothes, because I’ve had a lot of opportunities to wear those and learned what pieces I just don’t like, even when there’s no dress code.

      1. Workerbee*

        This is very true—I’m more hesitant to toss the work stuff just in case, and yet I want to think I’ve found a way to still look appropriate on Zoom while actually wearing mostly non-work stuff. Hopefully this will hold true if I get dragged back in.

        I still own jeans, but unless I’m doing substantial house stuff (building shelves, lugging large objects) or yard stuff, my go-to has become so firmly in the stretchy pants segment that I don’t reach for jeans the way I used to. So do I really need four pairs…

    3. Crowley*

      OH MY GOD IT’S NOT JUST ME

      I thought it was just me

      I have literally lived in jeans and t shirt for the last year and I want to get rid of all the other stuff but… I presume that at some point we’ll get to go out again and I’ll want to wear the other stuff and I won’t want to re-buy everything.

      2. Natalie*

        I’m just happy someone else is wearing jeans! All of my friends seem to find it mildly horrifying that I haven’t converted to yoga pants but I like jeans? I find them comfortable.

        Slacks, on the other hand…

        2. Crowley*

          OMG same!! Everyone thinks I’m weird for still wearing jeans but yes I find them comfy too and I feel myself in them. Not wearing jeans would make this bonkers time even more weird and scary for me.

          My people. I love the commentariat here :)

        3. allathian*

          Yeah, I find stretchy jeans very comfortable. Luckily I was able to wear them to the office as well, so my wardrobe hasn’t really changed, except that I’ll wear a crummy old knitted pullover that I wouldn’t wear at the office. Well, I might wear it to the office on a cold day, but I’d take it off while I worked at the office.

        4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

          My uniform for most of my life has been jeans and a top of some kind. I even thought about getting married in jeans. Sometimes I wear other things but I wear jeans so much that I’ve worn holes in two pairs in the last year. I’m just a jeans kind of person.

        5. Seeking Second Childhood*

          My yoga pants don’t have pockets. The jeans do. I’m one of the odd birds who even uses the coin pocket. (one large denomination bill folded up, a habit that served me well when I was pick-pocketed on a college bus trip.)
          I do no videocalls except with friends so I have started to box up and mothball (literally) my corporate clothes. Will keep out one interview outfit and gain closet space for crafty things in progress.

          1. allathian*

            Yeah, I like pockets as well. I’ve always though of purses as a necessary feminine evil, but now with a cellphone, payment apps and a cellphone wallet with space for a few cards, I can manage perfectly well without a purse as long as my pants have pockets for my keys. If I need to carry more stuff than that, I’ll use a small rucksack, or if I’m going to the office in non-covid times, my computer backpack. I don’t wear makeup except on special occasions and not much even then, so that’s not an issue.

            I just cannot deal with pants that don’t have any pockets, and it’s also the main reason why I very rarely wear a skirt (and never anything shorter than mid-calf).

        6. LDF*

          I really miss skinny jeans :( The ones I own are some thinner blend that just would not hold up well to my cats, but I’d wear them everywhere but home. Now there’s barely any not-at-home time… And I can’t even wear them when I go grocery shopping or whatever because I’ve lost so much weight in lockdown that they don’t fit, and I’m not about to start jeans-shopping-by-mail for like 1 hour a weak of wear. Ugh.

    4. Ranon*

      I feel you! One thing I did postpartum before I even knew whether the clothes I had would ever fit again was get rid of the stuff that I was just disappointed in when I saw it on my body- the stuff that didn’t look in the mirror the way I wanted it to in my brain. It let me purge stuff but I still kept what I liked to wait and see what I’d use/ need.

      Right now I’m not only in pandemic sweats always mode but also planning a move to a different climate so probably I’ll just keep everything forever, sigh (except the disappointing stuff, it can go)

      1. Workerbee*

        Oh my, yes. I had a few instances of that, where I wore a favorite top or dress, took pictures, looked at the pictures and thought “What the heck??”

        I lean toward keeping most things forever myself. I’ve got a bad case of the Just in Case.

    5. Ali G*

      hahaha! Yes! Add to that I’ve lost 15+ lbs and I have no idea what fits or doesn’t anymore. I plan to try on everything I own at some point (probably spring) and get rid of everything that no longer fits, then go full capsule wardrobe after that, especially for work. We have a casual dress code to begin with and post-pandemic I’ll probably only be in-office 2-3x a week.

      1. Workerbee*

        That does make a difference! I was disappointed a few years back when a stunning dress I’d picked up just did not look good anymore when I lost some weight. I kept it anyway, and it might fit better now, ha.

        I will have to do a day of trying on.

    6. Not A Manager*

      If you have any space storage space, find a container that fits in it and rotate that stuff out of your closet. I have one bin of “too nice for pandemic” clothes tucked under my sofa, and one on the very top shelf.

      I like my pared-down closet and wardrobe right now, but if I miss that stuff in the Future Times then I still have it.

      1. Workerbee*

        I love this idea.

        Our house came with a big closet in the basement that I have liberally sprinkled with cedar blocks. During my last agonizing over what to keep, I have filled that closet. I want to stuff more in now, but I realize I’m at a point where something’s gotta go.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Maybe the things that have to go are some of the things already in that closet. I have very limited kitchen storage, so I keep rarely-used items in some other locations in the house. When I want to rotate something out of the kitchen, that means I need to get rid of something in remote storage. Usually it’s pretty easy for me to look at that stuff and realize that something isn’t “rarely used,” it’s never used.

          1. Workerbee*

            Indeed—when you put it that way, I can instantly think of a few things in that closet that need to be given new life outside of my house.

          2. Seeking Second Childhood*

            The irony for me is that some of my seldom-used things would be great to have right now–but are in storage in a building I have no access to until vaccination. (My skis….)

      2. Natalie*

        This is essentially what I’m doing. I was 7 months pregnant when we went to remote work so most of official work clothes haven’t been worn for a while. I figure I don’t know what will fit or what my office dress code will be whenever we do go back, so it’s impossible to decide now. Everything’s in a plastic storage bin until some nebulous future point.

        I am getting rid of a lot of my party dresses. I just don’t like most of them! I hadn’t worn most of them for years prior to 2020 and there’s really no reason to think that’s going to change now.

        1. Workerbee*

          You know, I’ve held onto mine and also haven’t worn them for awhile before 2020. They’re the kind that require certain shoes and fussy things like that, and…I just don’t have the inclination for all the expected trappings anymore. (I know I could just wear shoes of my choice, etc., but I’m still within the process of shedding some societal expectations so my solution has been to just stuff it away.)

    7. fposte*

      I am retiring this year, and will almost certainly be retired before my office fully returns to in-person. I at least had already stopped buying work clothes in anticipation of retirement, but there’s still a whole lot I thought I’d wear for another year. Ha, no.

            1. fposte*

              That’s very sweet! And I imagine I will, if only to use the phrase “Back in my day” and wave my cane.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I love the idea of putting it into a container and setting the container off to one side. See how life goes without these selected items.

      I do this with household stuff. I line up stuff for my (almost annual) tag sale all year. This gives me time to see if I even miss the item. Over the years, twice I thought I had guessed wrong and bought another copy of the item I sold. Nope. I was right the first time and now the copy is sitting in the tag sale pile. Yeah, you may guess wrong on a couple items but for the most part you will probably make good guesses.

    9. Jules the 3rd*

      I am lenient towards the maintenance / fussy clothes, and draconian with the ‘feel good against my skin’. If it doesn’t feel good, I’m not going to wear it. Maybe do a fashion show with them, take pics, identify what you like about them, and make a future quest to find versions that work better?

    10. Yellow Warbler*

      I move the maybes to the closet in the spare bedroom (or equivalent). I have a lot of sentimental pieces that I will never wear again but refuse to part with, so having a secondary closet is like my scrapbook for clothes. IMO it’s okay to set aside utilitarian items for memory if you’re purposeful about it.

    11. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’m struggling with this. 75% of my clothes are from 20 lbs ago and I hold on to them for hopes that I’ll one day fit into them. I do have a small bag full of clothes that are strictly for nostalgic purposes (a shirt from when I was 11! those track pants with writing across the butt that were so popular in early 2000s etc). Then there’s..,,,will my daughter want to wear these 12 years from now? keep it just in case.

      1. Workerbee*

        I also have the nostalgic clothes and the what if clothes!

        Some I will always keep. I’ve started thinking about turning some into a quilt or wall hanging.

        1. allathian*

          I have my prom dress from high school, and I can’t believe I ever fit into it, and thought I was fat at the time. I wasn’t, but I also wasn’t fit, so I was one of those thin fat kids with no muscle mass. I guess I’m lucky in that I liked myself enough and I liked food enough that I didn’t get an eating disorder in my teens.

    12. NoLongerYoung*

      I will say, I have some beautiful things that had been gifted to me (or I found in thrift stores – I’m a vintage hunter), and in some cases, I was not wearing them because I was saving them. I realized in my own case, I was a bit depressed.

      I reframed it – I have beautiful things – why get rid of them and wear the same black turtleneck and leggings (and cardigan ) all day? I’ve begun inviting myself to wear them. The sweater with butterflies… the beautiful garden blossom shirt – the silk bomber jacket. Even over my base outfits of black top and pants, they are lifting my spirits and reminding me there is sunshine out there.

      I will say, though, that I had already removed everything I didn’t love from my closet last year in a purge, where things that needed mending, did not fit, were bad colors, or otherwise I didn’t like…all of those were freed up to clothe someone else. So I have half the things of some of my friends.

      So I decided that my remaining items would be worn until they wear out – no more “saving things” for good.

      In a way, for me, I was denying myself the fun of wearing cashmere, and pashimas, because… it was covid. I decided that I did need to take care of and treat myself, even if it was just me and the dog (and no one on zoom knew I was wearing good stuff).

      1. Workerbee*

        You are so right. I’ve also been ‘saving’ things like that, because I didn’t think it was worth putting them on just for me, just for at home. Part of that is some of those things take special care—well, that’s something I need to consider, for I really do like a more fuss-free clothing experience. But choosing something that lifts the spirits and wearing it just because is not something I’ve been doing, either. This helps immensely!

    13. Chaordic One*

      Well, as I’ve gotten older I’m more aware of dressing appropriately for my age. About 5 years ago I got rid of a lot of things that I wore when I was in my 20s, and even though they still fit, I felt like they weren’t really a good look for me at my current age anymore. I didn’t feel bad about getting rid of things that were uncomfortable or that were high-maintenance and needed dry-cleaning. I only kept clothes that needed ironing if they were comfortable AND looked good.

      OTOH, as someone whose weight has gone up and down I now find that, having gained the dreaded “COVID-15,” I’m glad that I kept some of my fat clothes.

      1. Workerbee*

        Ooh, that’s a whole other fascinating tangent: Where do we really get the notion that something is too young (or too old) for us, who is making money off us thinking so, etc.

        I like the criteria of, okay, you (talking to the piece of clothing here) may need ironing, but you’re a joy to wear, versus UGH, if I wear you, all I can think about is I’ll have to iron you later.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          At age 60, I have become more aware. I think women are vulnerable to this because we have many different styles of clothes, men have less choices. But take a cropped top- it’s very easy for a person to feel that they should have nice, smooth and wrinkle free skin to wear one. I have never seen an 80 y/o with a bear midriff. I can still wear tanks, but many women comment that they do not feel comfy with bare upper arms any more. My turn will come.

          Google “styles for 50 (or 60) y/o women and watch what comes up. I really hate the advice to wear brights to look younger. That only works if brights are in style. Otherwise, I look like a middle age woman who is trying to look younger. Oh and another classic- don’t wear patterns that are too busy or too complex. Thanks, but I never did. Ugh. I think that if a person is not comfortable with the style or the garment it won’t work for them no matter what their age.

          I think that kids are marketed to a lot- kids will beg their parents for these jeans or those sneakers. The advertiser has an unpaid rep right in our own homes.

          2. allathian*

            I hear you. I’m almost 49 and I stopped wearing tanks in my 30s. I also don’t wear any skirts shorter than calf-length. I’m not judging anybody else for wearing what they feel comfortable in regardless of their size or age, but I would rather spare others the sight of my cellulite-ridden upper arms and legs and varicose-veined legs. I just feel more comfortable when I’m covered up.

    14. Faux Fur*

      I keep all clothes that are still pretty to me. I have wooden hangers, nice hooks on my bedroom walls, and I display the pretty clothes like art. 1 or 2 pieces at a time.

    15. Otter Dance*

      I retired fully in 2016. Yet I still have six or seven business formal bespoke suits in my closet, gathering dust. (Hopefully not moths)
      I may have worn one three times in all that time. Maybe four. There just aren’t that many weddings and funerals in my life, even without the pandemic.
      You’d think I could wear the pants without the jacket occasionally, but I hate dry-cleaning when I could just as happily wear washable clothes.
      Sunk cost fallacy, I know.
      Similarly, almost all my diamond jewelry is in the safe deposit, never worn.

    16. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Sometimes I have found that I really want to keep something because I like the pattern on it or it reminds me of something, even though the actual item doesn’t work for whatever reason. So I take a high resolution images of it, either with a camera or a scanner, then use it as computer desktop wallpaper.

      I’ve done this with scarves I liked but were horrible feeling fabric, this hideous caftan thing my mom wore around the house all the time when I was a kid, favourite clothes that were damaged or don’t fit anymore, etc. I keep them in a folder with other desktop wallpaper and switch them out every once in a while.

    17. Chilipepper*

      I have the best answer, from a woman named Courtney Carver. Its called Project 333. The solution is to toss anything in bad shape or you know you dont like. Then box most of it up for a season. Keep about 33 items. At the end of the season, “shop” from the boxes and refresh or replace your 33 items.

      This took all the pressure off me in the moment and after 3 months in the boxes, I was much clearer about keep or toss.

    18. The Other Dawn*

      I’m definitely having a tough time in regard to clothing.

      Originally we were going to be WFH permanently, but now the CEO is thinking people will need to come in a couple days a week once the pandemic is over–he’s afraid of 100% WFH affecting the company’s culture. For the time being, I’ve moved all my work clothes to another closet and don’t plan to wear them unless we end up having to go back to the office.

      As far as casual clothing, I’m having a hard time with that, too. My problem is every time I go through my drawers and closet to try and figure out what to keep, donate, or toss, I end up saving much more than I need to, mainly because I really don’t have enough shirts I’m happy with (they’re too short, too clingy, etc.). I often have a hard time finding shirts I like that are also long enough and fit me in the right places, so I save things I haven’t worn in years, thinking I’ll wear them again at some point. Spoiler: I never do. I’ve been on vacation this past week and it was on my to-do list to go through everything again. But here it’s Sunday and I haven’t done it yet.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I feel like I lack flexibility. What are the best exercises? Should I add more yoga? Should I do specific exercises a few times over the week? I think I have strength and cardio (as much as I can with no jumping) covered. But I feel very stiff.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        I don’t like yoga, but the stretching part is good. Swap out at least one of your workouts to focus on mobility– hip lifts, lateral lunges, hip twisters, side-lying stretches, etc. There are a lot of options if you look up “mobility workout.”

      3. Parenthetically*

        I think it’s important to address muscle tightness AND joint mobility. Kaisa Keranen has a great mobility program that also incorporates strength and cardio but focuses on keeping hips and shoulders mobile. Highly recommend that one. For muscle tightness, post-workout stretching and foam rolling are helpful for me.

    2. Generic Name*

      I’ve been doing really well with doing a yoga routine daily, but my normal weekend plans of walking around the lake probably won’t happen this week. It’s just too darn cold. I’ll happily go when it’s in the 30s, but the temp is hovering around 0 F and I can’t bring myself to be in it for 45 mins. My hip pain is much better now, though. It is a little shocking just how much movement I was getting by just being in the office on a daily basis.

    3. Parenthetically*

      I subscribed to Ashley Nowe’s Get Mom Strong/SLAM program and have absolutely loved it. I have so much less low back pain, and generally feel so much stronger and fitter. The workouts are HARD but short, which is my preference, and the crazy thing is that every single day is completely different! I mean, of course there are repeated exercises, but each day has a totally different combo. They’re a blast and I’m a huge fan.

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I started a “program” through my usual training app. Three workouts a week. No problem, I can do that, piece of cake! Well, the first one kicked my ass. I hate mountain climbers. It didn’t help that I’m still sore from an ab workout the other day.

      This does not mean I’m giving up, because I need something to kick my ass.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I began lifting weights!

      I used to lift weights all the time — HIIT, spin, heavy lifting, and I was in the best shape of my life. Life kicked my ass though so I’ve been slowly struggling to get back up.

      Currently my routine consists of a few exercises that I picked up in physical therapy. I asked my therapist a while back on what to do — I have a baby who loves to be held so I want to get stronger for her — and he said whatever I used to do is fine, just ease back into it. I only went twice this week but I felt so good both times.

      One thing I am confused about – and maybe someone can answer – is if it matters that I mix upper & lower body exercises instead of finishing upper before moving on to lower. The way my gym is set up, there’s all the weight machines then the cardio machines then the free weights. I do cardio, then upper & lower body exercises on the machines, then go to the weight section and do remaining upper & lower body exercises. Seems I can’t get much answers beyond the super generic ones.

      1. kt*

        My opinion: doesn’t matter. I’m an enthusiastic worker-outer (a rather small woman who did eventually manage a 225 lb deadlift and a 200 lb squat with just 3 days/week in the gym, but who is currently just HIIT-ing it in the basement with 15-lb weights due to COVID) not a fitness pro. I did all my working out in the order that equipment availability in the gym allowed. The only ways in which order mattered is that I did the stuff that required the most concentration/form first after a cardio warmup, or the heaviest stuff first. So squats or deadlifts before any arm stuff, for me, for instance, or if I was working on push presses that first then ‘cardio’ or circuits. What do you want to make sure you do when you’re not tired out? Do that first. The mix of body parts isn’t relevant to me and in fact I think doing upper & lower body alternating gives some muscles a nice little rest within the workout session.

        (If you are specifically trying to do really technical bodybuilding-y or fitness-model-y type stuff — say if the words “hypertrophy training” are familiar and exciting to you — you might care about working a set of muscles to a specific point of exhaustion all together in a particular sequence for aesthetic purposes. If you are just a person who wants to be strong, doesn’t much matter.)

          1. kt*

            Right now I feel like I’m training to stay strong enough to hold my baby — she’s in preschool and going through these growth spurts and I’m just like whoa… I gotta work harder! ;)

          2. allathian*

            The only time in my life that I’ve actually had any muscle definition in my arms was when my son was a baby. I looked up some exercises for moms and babies, where the idea is to use the baby as a weight, and did those for as long as my son let me. We were bonding and I was getting some much-needed exercise. Sometimes it was only for a few minutes at a time, but even a few minutes is better than nothing.

    6. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I began weights again!

      I used to do HIIT, spin, group exercise classes, and lift heavy weights. Then life kicked my ass and I”ve slowly been trying to crawl back up ever since. 

      For now my routine consists of exercises I picked up in physical therapy. I asked my therapist a while back about building strength because I have a baby who loves to be held, and he said just continue doing what I used to do (albeit with lighter weights and less intensity). 

      I only went twice this week but I can already feel how amazing it felt to get back into it. Almost felt like the old me for a bit. 

    7. families!*

      I’ve gotten back to a regular in-home biking routine and that feels good. I am struggling though with not moving around during the day. I sit for work then sit some more etc. I’ve tried putting calendar reminders on the hour but they often happen at inconvenient times – for ex right as a work meeting starts, or I’m in the middle of something that requires concentration. I am not so comfortable going out for a walk, lots of unmasked people where I am that I can’t avoid if I am to go on a walk. Any ideas how to move more?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I have no idea what to cook this week. I ordered a pizza yesterday, so that will cover a few meals, but I have time this weekend to cook, so it would be a good time to cook.
      Any recommendations for easy recipes that have the right protein/vegetable ratio? I have a hard time eating vegetables, and I prefer salads when someone else makes them (i.e. from the food court). Also, it’s very cold here so I don’t really feel like eating salad.

      1. Ali G*

        Do you like roasted veggies? It’s so easy and you can make a lot to have leftovers. I like small potatoes, shallots, and baby carrots. But really you can do anything.
        Toss in olive oil, season however you like and put in a hot oven (400-425). Check after 15 min, toss and finish with another 15 or so min. Easy!

        1. Teapot Translator*

          Do you use herbs or spices?
          There was a post on AITA thread on Reddit about a man who refused to eat vegetables and didn’t want his girlfriend to cook vegetables either. I saw it on the Twitter account (I don’t usually go on Reddit). And when asked, she said what herbs and spices she uses on her vegetables. I should try and find that post again.

          1. Ali G*

            You can! My go-to are salt, pepper, dried oregano and dried parsley. If you like it, add some chili flakes.

          2. GoryDetails*

            Re seasoning for roasted vegetables: I usually roast them with only some salt and pepper, adding other seasonings if I’m making ratatouille (roasted veggies are a great base for this) or a frittata or whatever. But I did stumble across a fun herb blend that I’ve been playing with, and it goes beautifully on roasted vegetables: it’s the Purple Haze rub from Spiceology. It includes a variety of dried-veggie powders – beets, carrots, tomatoes – along with garlic and chiles (though it isn’t especially spicy). It’s got a nice complex flavor that goes well with lots of things, and it’s my favorite of the blends from the Spiceology company. [I first bought from them because I liked their periodic-table-of-elements label style – a silly way to choose an herb blend, but there we are {wry grin}.]

          3. Potatoes gonna potate*

            I’m wondering if tha was the same post I saw in one of my FB food groups. man the comment section was wild–from saying he was controlling and abusive or too picky etc.

          4. Annie Moose*

            Honestly, I find roasting veggies brings out such good flavors that a lot of seasoning isn’t necessary. You definitely want salt, but aside from that I’d go light on the spices (except maybe for something less flavorful like potatoes).

            That being said, black pepper goes with everything, and a little garlic and chili powder works surprisingly well on a lot of different veggies!

      2. Legalchef*

        I make a super easy salad that works well as a side to basically anything. A can of rinsed chickpeas, cucumbers and tomatoes cut into about the same size as the chickpeas, a little minced onion, red wine vin, evoo, salt, and pepper. That’s it. It’ll keep for a few days in the fridge. Sometimes I add some diced avocado, parsley, etc.

      3. Bobina*

        I just posted below about the noodle soup thing I’m making, and soups or chilli’s can be a great way to get both protein and veg in one dish. Bonus is you can do huge batches and then freeze or just live off leftovers for the week.

    2. Ali G*

      Last night was flank steak with baked potato and seared broccolini. Tonight is take out, as requested by hubs. We’ve been on a plan to lose weight and this is our Valentine’s treat :)
      Tomorrow I am making French onion chicken with asparagus.

    3. Pond*

      I’ve started doing chicken pot pies from scratch! It’s pretty easy but all the prep work takes a really long time. Figured out how to do it with no dairy, and adding whichever ingredients I want/have on hand. Mostly chicken, carrots, and celery, but occasionally a different meat, other/more vegetables, etc. I can post the recipe later if anyone wants.

    4. Crowley*

      I have just decided today to try and make a Quorn (ie veggie) version of mince and dumplings.

      Since I left the ex I’ve been struggling to motivate myself to make proper meals – the kid would live on pasta and pesto if I let him! Since the beginning of the year I started doing intermittent fasting and somehow that has a) reset my urge to eat ALL THE FOOD ALL THE TIME b) made me want to make better healthier meals – and I’m enjoying what I’m eating a lot more. I’m excited to try this next week!

    5. Bobina*

      Earlier this week I made an improvised noodle soup thing which turned out really well, so I’m trying to improve it this weekend. Thus I have a prawn broth on the go (shells and other bits, ginger, garlic, water).

      The rest of it will more or less be the same as what I made mid-week: I’ll fry a bit of onion, maybe add more ginger and garlic, gochujang, bit of mirin, bit of soy sauce, the broth, maybe a bit of additional stock?, veggies, the prawns and noodles.

      Hoping its going to turn out as delicious as the cobbled together version from mid week! That had none of the prawn elements, chicken stock from the noodle packet, and an egg instead for protein.

    6. Anon5775*

      I have frozen pumpkin puree that I want to bake with. My pumpkin bar recipe is for an 11×17 jelly roll pan and that just makes too much. After frosting them, you can’t really stack them to store, so I’m planning on baking a cake in a 13×9 with essentially the same recipe and adjusting baking time. Anyone have tips for me?

      1. Anono-me*

        Oops, forgot my onions in the garage. They froze solid. I don’t know what I’m going to make now. (Apparently you can freeze and use onions, but you need to blanch them first. )

    8. Decidedly Me*

      I made a roast chicken with mash, gravy, and broccoli earlier this week. It was really good!

      For Valentines, we’re going to make chicken kiev (it was what we made on our first cook together date) with some sort of side and then hoping to try an instant pot lava cake recipe!

    9. Filosofickle*

      To celebrate the return of my partner’s sense of taste and smell (COVID yaaaay) I’m making the King Arthur Flour recipe of the year, pillowy cinnamon rolls. New territory for me; I usually don’t make things that have to be kneaded. Dough is rising now. Excited!

      1. Reba*

        Omg they are amazing. I made them today too!

        I have made a lot of cinnamon rolls in my life and these are like no other. Hope you are enjoying them now!!

        1. Filosofickle*

          I just ate one for dessert! It was yummy. However, he wanted to wait til breakfast to try one. Sometimes I do not understand that man…there are fresh cinnamon rolls and he’s all “naw I’ll wait til tomorrow”?! He and I have very different priorities lol.

          It might have helped if they’d bene done by mid-afternoon, so he could have had it with a cup of coffee. But our house is really cold and rising took extra time. It’s one reason I don’t do a lot of bread-like baking.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I wrote upthread that I made a rib eye steak yesterday with creamed spinach and a pear gorgonzola salad on teh side. For the first time I couldn’t finish that steak so I saved it for today. I’ve never had good results with leftover steak but I made it today and it was great! Leftover steak with sunnyside eggs on a bed of stir fried veggies. And OK cheese toast on the side. I’ll be making the red lobster cheddar bay biscuits in a bit. 

      1. Ali G*

        I slice leftover steak extra thin against the grain and use it for quesadilla stuffing. Since it’s so thin you can’t really tell if it’s a little tough.

    11. Bluebell*

      I made egg foo young this week when my Organics produce delivery gave me bean sprouts. And last night was tuna and broccoli, roasted on a sheet pan with a sesame/honey/sambal oelek glaze.

    12. Chilipepper*

      I made vegan chow fun yesterday and we loved it! I cobbled together my own recipe from a bunch of others and I am so happy with the results. I’m making it again today.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The place that we don’t mention on Saturdays took over my life this week, as well as bad weather, so no dumplings were made by me for Lunar New Year. However we went to our friends restaurant and ordered all the favorites and hit all the important traditions. My husband made a really fantastic chili so that will be dinner tonight. Not sure what I’m taking out of the freezer to cook for tomorrow. It’s got to be a little healthier to make up for all the Lunar New Year treats!

  36. Daphne (UK)*

    Tips for surviving the immediate weeks after a break-up during a pandemic?
    It’s been a week since my 2 year relationship ended, I was kind of blindsided but I think the stress of the last year was a big factor. I’ve been on furlough so having no routine doesn’t help. It’s nearly 3pm here and I can barely force myself out of bed to shower. I’ve been really good about not messaging him, but it’s so hard when he was the one person I was most in touch with and we would call each other most evenings if we weren’t at each other’s houses.

    1. Frankie Bergstein*

      I’m so sorry this happened to you, particularly at a time when there is so much else that’s hard. My advice is to take it really slow, moment by moment, and look for the small, sensual things you like – food, candles, self-foot massage, Netflix shows – to let your mind get absorbed in those things and give you momentary respite. I know you feel awful now, and please know you won’t feel awful forever.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I think it’s ok to wallow right now if that’s what you’re feeling. You don’t have to shower. Maybe set up calls/zooms with friends. If you have one of those Watch Party apps, you can make plans to “join” someone for a movie– just something to look forward to.

      But don’t force it. It’s been a week and you’re grieving. There is no immediate need to be completely recovered.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Buddy-up, do you have a friend who would do check-ins with you? Just someone who says, “Whatcha doin’ today?”.

      You could have two missing pieces here, a romantic partner AND a human connection. Of the two, a human connection is much easier to replace. And it can be a casual connection, it does not have to be a bff or dearest family member. Matter of fact, it might be easier if it is not one of these people.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I’d do (and have done) something a little wild. Cut off all my hair. Shave my head. Bleach it. Get a piercing (from a very COVID-safe place were you to choose this). Get a pet you’ve been thinking about getting for a long time. Foster a pet.

      It’s nice to get a little endorphin rush, helps ease it a little.

      2. Generic Name*

        Breakup pets are the best. I adopted a kitten before my ex husband even moved out. We had always had cats and when we had one left, he said he didn’t want anymore cats because they destroy the furniture. So I made him take the crabby cat who hated me and I got a kitten for me. She’s the best. The crabby cat eventually died, and he got a new cat (despite what he had said earlier). The really funny part is our son reports that his dad’s cat is really destructive and chews through cords and scratches his furniture. Ha.

    5. Anono-me*

      1-I usually recommend a day of pampering and a haircut at a salon. Can you do something at home, maybe with a temporary color in lieu of a cut?

      2- Make a list of all of your friends and family. Work your way through the list calling one or two people every evening so that you talk with someone for atleast 1/2 hour every evening. (You can mostly listen. But calling is important for the human interaction. )
      If/when it isn’t too cold, find someone to go for a ( masked and distant) walk with. (Maybe start with dog people. )

      3-Take your ex’s number out of your phone. You can write it down somewhere, but think of it like the people who freeze the credit cards in a block of ice. You need to decide to use it and take several steps, each one giving you a chance to rethink your decision, before you can actually use it.

      4-This is a painful experience, getting through it means going through it. It’s ok to feel sad and to miss your ex for a while. A friend once said the pain ratio is a week for each month and a month for each year. Anecdotaly it holds pretty true. (Anything between 4-11 months seems to be about = to a year.)

    6. Daphne (UK)*

      Thank you everyone, all great tips. Usually my first treat after a break up is a new haircut but all hairdressers are closed here! Will be first on my list when things open up. Might splurge on extravagant shampoos/face masks to pamper myself.

      I really like the idea of listing family and friends and checking in with them. Worried that it may come across that I’m only getting in touch due to the break up but I guess connections have to start somewhere!

    7. meyer lemon*

      Make a list of things that you couldn’t or didn’t often do during your relationship that you can do now: Restaurant your partner hated? Activity that you like to do when you’re home alone? Pet your partner was allergic to? Home decor that you can make exactly the way you like? Trip that you can take (when safe) that your partner would have hated? Major personal project that you can devote tons of time to now? Friends or hobbies that you have more time for?

  37. Teapot Translator*

    I haven’t seen a book thread, so I’ll post my question at large.
    There was a kerfuffle (I don’t know what else to call) on Twitter this week, where someone published a piece on romance novels. I didn’t read it, but it was full of the usual cliches about the romance genre. So a lot of people, a lot of fans of the genre, responded negatively to it. I also heard on NPR a piece about romance novels by black authors. It was really interesting. So all this to say: although I’m not a reader of romance (I’m more into scifi, fantasy and mystery), I’d like to try some. So, I’m looking for recommendations! Thanks in advance.

    1. Person from the Resume*

      My all time favorite lesbian romance is Edge of Glory by Rachel Spangler.

      They’re Olympians in boardercross and downhill skiing. They’re opposites and rub each other the wrong way so we’ve the thawing the ice cream trope and enemies to lovers trope, but it’s so much more than that. The romance is a small part. They have their own damage or the need to grow up and their own difficulties with making the olympics and past successes and failures. Their personalities complement each other so that they each help the other battle through their own demons.

      I don’t really read a ton of romance because of it’s often very formulaic and sometimes silly because the “road blocks” aren’t really roadblocks and totally driven miscommunication or mistaken assumptions.

      But the characters in Edge of Glory had a lot more going on in their lives than just finding a romantic partner.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Are you specifically looking for romance novels by black authors? If so, I can’t help, but if you’re just trying to get into the genre in general you might like Kay Hooper, particularly the Special Crimes Unit series (stick with the older ones). It is technically a series but they are sort of stand alones with a different theme and criminal for each trilogy by a romance novelist. They are mysteries with psychic phenomenon (technically romantic suspense), so they fit in well with the scifi/mystery you already gravitate toward.

    3. Jenny*

      I don’t read much romance but as an entry point, I liked Red, White, and Royal Blue, which is a love story about the son of the US president and prince from the UK. I don’t know if I have read any books by black female authors specifically.

    4. violet04*

      Jasmine Guillory. I’ve only read Party of Two from her, but I enjoyed it and have some of her other books on hold at the library.

      Sophie Kinsella. I didn’t like the Shopaholic series, but her other ones are fun, light reads.

      1. oranges & lemons*

        I haven’t read any of Jasmine Guillory’s books yet, but I have them on my list. She is a delightful podcast guest, and apparently her books have a lot of cooking and eating in them, so this sounds like something I could get on board with.

      2. Buni*

        I read exactly one Shopaholic book. I have never loathed a character so much, never so much wanted to yeet a woman into the outer atmosphere.

    5. Buni*

      Do you like period pieces? For the sheer novelty – having read every single other thing in the house by now – I’ve just started going back through my Georgette Heyers.

      If you like a bit of raunch I recommend Lisa Kleypas – some modern settings, some historical.

      1. Myrin*

        I would highly recommend Lisa Kleypas because she quite often defies genre-/trope-related expectations and it’s such a refreshing change of pace!

      2. GoryDetails*

        Re Georgette Heyer: I’ve enjoyed many of her romances, though some of them are definitely in the “very not-nice-at-all-bordering-abusive guy gets the girl” category – and even though the “girl” in most of those winds up holding her own, they’re still a bit problematic. That said, Cotillion – my favorite of Heyer’s work and at the top of my list of books-in-general – is a lovely romance (with multiple couples, yet) that tweaks the nose of the “all girls want bad boys” trope in a delightful way.

        1. I Want To Go Outside.*

          My favourite Heyer is The Nonesuch. Two lovely people: an older woman in reduced circumstances and an extremely wealthy, philanthropic and charming man. It’s a meeting of minds as well as physical attraction. They meet, slowly get closer and then face a catastrophic misunderstanding, before riding off to a happy ever after. I reread it most years.

        2. Bagpuss*

          Yes, it depends a lot on which ones you read – A lot of the early ones have bad boy / rake-reformed-by-true-love heroes, but not all.
          Cotillion is lots of fun, I like ‘A Civil Contract’ which also plays against type, and the second couple in the Talisman Ring ….

          I also like Mary Stewart, whose books are mostly romance/thriller danger and crime but always a successful proposal by the final chapter (her books we’re mostly set in, and written in , the 50s and 60s)

          Alyssa Cole is a POC who has written several books (the loyal league) which are historical romance/espionage- set in the American Civil War and featuring black protagonists, which are very good.(and other works, but I have only reac the loyal league ones)

          1. ronda*

            a civil contract reminds me of…….

            A civil campaign by Lois McMaster Bujold. (there are a lot of other books in this series, but this is the romancyest one)
            If you like Bujold her sharing knife series is romancey. The 1st book, beguilement is the most traditional romancy of the the series…. but if you like it, the rest of the books in the series might be good for you too.

        3. Buni*

          I’m starting with all the give-as-good-as-they-get women: The Grand Sophy, Faro’s Daughter, Devil’s Cub etc.

        4. Achoos*

          A caution on Heyer- she was anti-Semitic and often has a character that is…problematic. I love THE GRAND SOPHY but skip the money lender scene.

          2. Anne Kaffeekanne*

            That scene soured me on any further attempts at reading Heyer. I enjoyed Cotillion a lot but cannot believe how many rec lists I found which had The Grand Sophy with not a peep of a warning about this scene. I didn’t finish the book.

    6. Romantic reader*

      I also mostly read scifi and fantasy, but occasionally dip into romance. I recently enjoyed Evvie Drake Starts Over by Linda Holmes, which is modern and realistic. A good example of a frothy historical romance would be The Five Minute Marriage by Joan Aiken.

      1. Masked Bandit*

        I really liked Evvie Drake too.

        I’m also just starting to get into romance and I really loved the Bridgerton books, even more than the show. The second one, The Viscount Who Loved Me, was probably the best book I’ve read in a long time. They’re mostly light fun, but exactly what I was looking for in this COVID winter.

    7. Anono-me*

      I like Elizabeth Lowell and Amanda Quick. They both write romance crossovers and both write under several names. (The women charecters in their older stories were more independent minded than women in most romance novels published about the same time, but they are not necessarily as independent minded as one would hope.)

      1. Tortally HareBrained*

        I adore Amanda Quick as a solid story that just hits what I want in a romance novel. Not too campy to roll my eyes but not too heavy to take yourself seriously.

    8. DistantAudacity*

      Hm – my comment must have gotten stuck in a filter/moderation :)

      To sum up: highly recommend the site Smart B*s Trashy Books, to find good stuff in the genre.

    9. No Name Yet*

      I haven’t read them in a while, but Mercedes Lackey wrote a series of fantasy/romance novels that I thought were fun. The 500 Kingdoms series, romance take-offs on traditional fairy tales, like Cinderella.

      1. Workerbee*

        I have totally started reading those recently. They are fabulous! I love how she hits hard against both the fairy tale tropes and, slyly, the damaging ‘traditions’ still around today.

    11. kt*

      Ok, I’ll just gush a little! Alyssa Cole, as mentioned below: you can check out her historical series (want Revolutionary War heroes and heroines? She’s got you) or her sci fi (earlier books like Radio Silence about what happens to the US if an EMP goes off or later ones like her audio book The AI Who Loved Me) or her snarky, hilarious, deep, funny Reluctant Royals and Runaway Royals series (first book — grad student keeps getting email from a representative of the African country of Thesolo saying she’s his intended bride and if she just provides her SSN….. BUT IT’S NOT A JOKE!!).

      Jasmine Guillory — I love her recent series of interconnected novels about wonderful women in high-powered professions. She’s funny and contemporary. The Proposal, opening scene: you’re on a date at a baseball game with a self-interested boring man-bunned aspiring actor, because why not, it’s baseball. A proposal comes up on the Jumbotron… the camera pans to you….. !! ok, now go read it.

      Rebekah Weatherspoon — you want a romance in an apple orchard with a meddling deceased aunt? Xeni. You want a pediatric neurosurgeon who just needs some love? Rafe.

      Talia Hibbert — how about a scholar of intersectionality and feminism falling in love with a security guard who runs a non-profit for rugby-playing boys promoting mental health and fighting toxic masculinity? Take a Hint, Dani Brown! I love a lot of Talia Hibbert’s characters; she writes coders and neurodiverse women I can relate to.

      Farrah Rochon — you know how a guy recently went viral on Facebook when his girlfriend discovered his wife and his other wife and his other girlfriend? Well, Farrah Rochon already wrote that book and it’s called The Boyfriend Project. Another romance with a software developer heroine and hero. Hit me too as it reflected some professional things I was seeing at the same time.

      Katrina Jackson — if you have a thing for academic romances, Office Hours was achingly on point re: faculty meetings, the tension of getting tenure while a woman of color, the struggle to balance teaching and research. But it was also pretty steamy. I enjoyed it other than one scene at the beginning which for me fell into the “sure it’s fun to imagine but I’d be upset if it happened in real life so it feels a bit discordant” category.

      And the Grand Dame of Romance, Miss Bev, Beverly Jenkins. Indigo is one of her classics. She’s written a lot of historical romances and you could probably get more American history out of reading all her books than you could get out of most undergrad history program… I think she also writes some inspirational-ish contemporary. I haven’t read as much of her since I lean toward the nerdy and snarky wordplay, but she’s amazing whatever my tastes may be.

    12. Ginger ale for all*

      I am a huge Betty Neels fan. She retired from nursing in the seventies and started writing so her books are old fashioned. It’s a different world in her books.

    13. New Bee*

      The two authors I was going to recommend are already in this thread (Jasmine Guillory and Alyssa Cole), so I’ll say You Had Me at Hola by Alexis Daria is a cute read (if you like Jane the Virgin, you’ll like this). Also recommend Helen Hoang’s books.

      1. kt*

        Yep, as the OP had sort of mentioned Black authors that’s what I stuck to above but I love Helen Hoang, Jackie Lau for some books that I feel are generally lighter and more bite-sized, and Courtney Milan for an amazing range of stories from historicals about suffragettes to contemporaries about Silicon Valley/academic ‘town/gown’ crossover (that’s really oversimplified but oh well).

    14. ten four*

      AVID romance reader here!

      Talia Hibbert’s work is hilarious and wide ranging. I’ve read all of Jasmine Guillory and it’s all excellent.

      If you like sci-fi/fantasy/mystery try out T. Kingfisher’s Swordheart.

      KJ Charles writes M/M historicals across a bunch of genres, including regency, gothic, and fantasy. A lot of hers are mysteries too. She’s my favorite romance novelist – all her couples seem like real people with real challenges and the endings feel earned.

      For modern stories, Red, White and Royal Blue is excellent. Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall had me laughing all the way through. They are both M/M.

      For modern M/F, Beach Read was my favorite of last year. The Unhoneymooners was surprisingly good!

      For historicals I’ve always liked Loretta Chase and Eloisa James. Eloisa James stories are farces with lots of couples and intrigue. Loretta Chase stories are just very charming and lighthearted (some have sex scenes, some don’t).

      Courtney Milan is Chinese-American, and her stuff is great. My favorites are the Brothers Sinister series, historicals in which all the women are geniuses who wind up with supportive and awesome partners. I didn’t particularly like the Turner series though.

      I have read a lot of Mary Balogh, and they are competently written but not…enjoyable? The sex scenes are hilariously bad.

      Happy reading!

    15. Ali*

      I also am mostly a sci-fi/fantasy fan, but I do have a few romance authors I enjoy. Alyssa Cole, mentioned above, is one. I’m also a big fan of Jennifer Crusie – my favorite novel of hers is Bet Me but I enjoy everything she writes. And for very-old public domain there’s Georgette Heyer.

  38. KeinName*

    Clairvoyants needed! Do you think nightlife (going to bars, concerts etc) will be back as it was pre 2020? If yes, when?
    Do you think folks will be even more eager on going out than before once they are allowed? Please share your thoughts! And have a good (bar-less) weekend!

    1. Office Grunt*

      I think it will come back, it’s just going to take at least until 2022. The general population needs to be vaccinated, and the infection rates need to be dramatically lower.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think it will be within the next 12 months.

      The cynic in me says we will probably go right back to what we were doing as if nothing happened.

      From what I see online with Florida and the super bowl plus what friends from Florida are telling me, we are already there.

      1. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        I agree with this. Some things like transportation might keep things like an expectation that you wear masks on long distance journeys but I think that as soon as most people are vaccinated and hospitals etc aren’t overwhelmed I think it will go back to normal.

    4. Person from the Resume*

      It’s coming back because some unwise, uncautious people have already resumed nightlife as if it were 2019 despite local COVID regulations.

      When you’re ready to return there’s probably already going to a nightlife and when we achieve here immunity and all restrictions are lifted it will be “back to normal.”

      There may be a few people who’s anxiety has ramped up or those who realized that they didn’t actually like going out to crowded bars that stay away but do many folks are chomping at the bit yo get back out there.

    5. Myrin*

      Oh, absolutely.

      I live in one of my country’s top travel destinations and over the summer, when restrictions were very low – we had almost three months of literally zero cases in our county – people went absolutely batshit with “travel hysteria”.
      Our house has three holiday apartments and they were fully booked back-to-back for months.
      The public car park opposite from our house was completely packed at 9 AM every day and in ways which I’d only seen once or twice before COVID.
      I also work at an inn’s kitchen and towards the end of the summer, I’d regularly have to stop myself from crying before going into work because people were absolutely flooding the place and I was about to go off the rails with stress.

      Neither of these examples are nightlife, of course, but they exist in the same realm and I’m imagining people will be eager to get back to bar-hopping in the same way they were eager to visit a restaurant with their entire family.

    6. Grim*

      I hope so too. It really sucks drinking alone and my Zoom drinking buddies just don’t get that it’s just not the same.

    7. Nixologist*

      I live and work in an area where bartop seating was only briefly closed and we’ve been back at it since July(?).
      People are desperate to get out and will pack the bars as soon as given the chance and to the maximum capacity allowed (or enforced). People travel from other areas to sit at a bar in my town, even though indoor dining is allowed where they live. They want to sit AT the bar and breathe on strangers and service workers. They will drive 30+ minutes to do it. It’s wild.
      It’s been a very dangerous, discouraging, but lucrative year

    8. Dan*

      Yes I do, and probably sooner rather than later, but I’m loathe to give a date.

      I was talking to my dad about post-COVID life in general (e.g., how much COVID is going to change things) and my guess is not much. Mostly, my opinion has a lot to do with how the Spanish Flu impacted city life and what not post-flu. Until COVID, I had never heard of it, and 100 years isn’t all that long ago when it comes to certain things. So we got over the spanish flu and packed ourselves back into cities.

      Masks in public will become more acceptable for awhile. I do think we’ll see some people hold on to COVID habits, but the younger generation will wonder what all of the fuss is about, much like people who lived through the great depression. And TBH, with COVID, I think most people will remember the shutdowns and not the public health issues. For most of us, COVID means being cooped up in our dwellings first and foremost.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I am definitely hearing echoes of our fore-parents with their miserly ways and saving everything. Many of us will be forever changed for this pandemic experience we had.

    9. OyHiOh*

      I think the roaring 20’s are a good historical reflection. As the 1918 pandemic eased, nightlife absolutely exploded. I think there will be changes from what we were used to pre 2020, but I do think nightlife is going to roar back.

    10. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I’ve seen people on my feed celebrating birthdays in bars/clubs and travelling to Mexico where it literally looks like 2019….not a single mask. Clubs and bars and big parties aren’t my lifestyle and weren’t a huge part before, but I am looking forward to a day when I won’t have to wear a mask — don’t get me wrong, I wear them and will not stop wearing them for as long as possible, but I have always hated having to cover any part of my face/head. What I do look forward to is being able to work in an office part time and casual social interactions and friendships.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, when I read the OP of this thread I thought, for some people it has never stopped! (Months ago I read a very distressing piece in NY mag about illicit parties that had been going on all summer in NYC, AHHH)

        In any case, yes I think a lot of folks are/will be raring to go. I want to go back out there not so much to party but to take in performing arts events and yeah, just casually meet friends. But for me, personally, I think it will be a loooong while before I feel ready to do that! Like, when I think about a concert I went to in Feb 2020–i was literally shoulder to shoulder with strangers–that feels BANANAS to me now!

    11. Chaordic One*

      If the vaccination programs manage to be carried out half-way decently, things should start picking up again by the end of 2021 and by the end 2022 things should be close to being normal.

      1. ambrosia*

        End of 2022? Whoa. I would think end of this year or early 2022 things would be close to normal, assuming Fauci is right that everyone who wants the vaccine in the U.S. will be able to get it by the middle of this year.

        What makes you say more than 1.5 years from now?

        1. Chaordic One*

          The vaccination programs don’t seem to be very well organized and are behind schedule and there isn’t enough vaccine to go around just yet. I’m optimistic that most everyone in the U.S. and probably in so-called first-world countries should be vaccinated by the end of 2021, but it will take another year or so before the vaccines get to people in poorer countries.

          Moreover, there have been a lot of people who are having to deal with financial hardship and career setbacks as a result of the various shutdowns and lay-offs. Even if these people get good-paying jobs tomorrow, they’ll have to dig out of the financial hole they’ve fallen into. Unemployment insurance and Economic Income Payments, while helpful, are pretty limited in how much they can help (at least in the U.S.) and at this point, future additional Economic Income Payments are probably too little, too late for a lot of people. We’ve seen how long it took to recover from the Great Recession, and this economic recession seems worse in many ways.

          1. KeinName*

            Yeah, also an interesting thought – people might not have money to spend on nightlife/drinks/snacks if there are even more serious economic repercussions

    12. Wilde*

      I’m in New Zealand and this summers festivals/concerts/holidays are not any less crowded than last summer. Six60 (basically our national band) are currently on a nationwide tour playing every Saturday. Each weekend my Instagram feed is filled with footage of packed stadiums of their concerts.

      Perhaps in other countries where citizens have had longer and multiple lockdowns, or are required to enforce their own personal COVID boundaries, “normal” may look more physically distanced but it certainly doesn’t here.

      1. allathian*

        Yeah, but you’ve managed to prevent domestic spreading of the pandemic by shutting down international travel.

    13. Aurora Leigh*

      I think overall yes, it will come back as it was. My coworkers complain bitterly everytime indoor dining gets shutdown again and are right back in there as soon as it reopens. The bars in the town where I work stayed open during several weeks when the state said they should be shutdown and packed people in shoulder to shoulder. A lot of people just don’t care anymore.

      Meanwhile, hubby and I haven’t eaten inside a restaurant for almost a year. The thing I miss most about date nights that aren’t takeout is having someone else clear the dishes away and having no cleanup after whatsoever. Once we’ve both been vaccinated we might go back occasionally but I think it will feel weird for a long time.

    14. llamaswithouthats*

      Definitely. I’m pretty sure things will be back to normal by this summer. This past July 2020, I decided to treat myself one weekend to takeout from my favorite sushi place. Getting it required me to walk past the strip with all the bars and restaurants. I expected it to be empty like it was during the stay at home orders. NOPE. It looked exactly like July 2019 (when I spent a lot of time at these bars). The only way you could tell there was a pandemic going on was that the waiters serving outdoor customers were wearing masks.

  39. Adventurer*

    I’m 24 weeks pregnant, expecting my first baby in early June! As one of the smartest and kindest commentariat around, thought I’d ask for general advice! Have a checklist of the things we should make sure to do and talk about over the next three and a half months? Book or blog recommendations? The best kernel of advice you ever received that you think about often? I’d love to hear it! :)

    A few of my specifics: I live in a medium sized city. My partner and I both work – I’m a teacher, so I’ll have nearly 12 weeks of summer off after the baby is born, hurrah! We rent our home, a two bedroom apartment in a duplex (will look at buying sometime down the road.) We’re in our early thirties. One set of baby’s grandparents lives close by!

    1. Natalie*

      I had my first baby in April, so most of the preparation stuff we did was in person (sigh), but I imagine a lot of it has switched to virtual. We took a few different classes that I found very useful. No matter what your birth “plan” is, you really don’t know what will happen, so taking some kind of course that covers medicated, unmedicated, vaginal, caesarean, and labor skills could all be relevant. I also found our hospital tour super useful.

      For books, I personally find the “what to expect” series to be a little fearmongery. I liked Emily Oster’s book Expecting Better, and I got a surprisingly helpful self published book from the hospital system where our midwives practice. Lucie’s List was the main resource I used for gear. You don’t need as much as BuyBuyBaby would like you to think you need. :)

      1. Adventurer*

        Thanks so much! Emily Oster’s books are so great (and I haven’t ever heard of Lucie’s List, I’ll check it out.) I keep thinking we should find some kind of childbirth class, but with nothing happening in person, I have no idea how to even begin searching.

        1. Jenny*

          I did one through the hospital. I ended up having a c section after pushing so my experience was a bit different but I don’t really know how helpful the class was. The nurse who taught it was extremely anti epidurals. The best advice I got for getting through contraction pain (making like a horse labor sound) came from a prenatal yoga class.

        2. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

          Check if your hospital or birthing center offers one (or if you’re doing a home-birth, ask for a rec from your midwife/doula). There’s so much variablity so it’s best to have a sense of what the practices are where you will be!

        3. Natalie*

          Emily Oster has a substack newsletter I also recommend, including a lot of discussion of recent covid research.

          There might be a local childbirth/parenting education org in your area, that’s what we did. Doulas will sometimes teach classes as well. (I didn’t suggest this initially because you might not be able to have them with you, but if you can I would look into a doula. We found ours very valuable even though in the end she couldn’t join us in the hospital.)

          I don’t know that the class itself is as important as learning about what labor actually looks like (very different than TV/movies) and learning about the different possibilities, options, etc even if you think you won’t need them or don’t want them. Between the pandemic and surprise early induction (blood pressure), all kinds of things I wanted to do weren’t an option. Including a doula, which would have been helpful for managing the other changes!

    2. Jenny*

      A couple books I’d recommend are Expecting Better and Cribsheets by Emily Oster. She crunches the studies and gives real science based conclusions. It’ll make you feel better.

      The rest is just stream of consciousness tips:

      If you’re planning on breastfeeding, call your insurance as I got my pump for free from them. I had the Spectra and was a fan.
      If you’re planning on breastfeeding, consider a lactation consultant who comes to your house. I didn’t have luck with the ones in the hospital but the one who came out made all the difference.

      Even if you are planning on breastfeeding, have some formula and bottles. Almost everyone I know had to do a little formula supplementing. There’s this idea out there that if you formula supplement it will ruin breastfeeding and from personal experience I can tell you it’s false (I formula supplemented in the first two weeks then exclusively breastfed).

      Accept offers of help. There’s this “get used to the new family just the three of you” advice and it’s terrible. You just had a major medical event and the first couple weeks are nothing like what comes later. Take the help and heal.

      I was a big fan of babywearing. I found it a lot easier to get around with my kid in the carrier.

      1. Adventurer*

        Yes, I love Emily Oster’s books! Those and “Bringing up Bebe” are the parenting/pregnancy books I’ve read so far. Thanks for these tips, this is super helpful – I am planning on breastfeeding, and hadn’t thought of calling my insurance. Good reminder to have some formula on hand just in case too!!

    3. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      Like Jenny, I enjoyed Emily Oster. Very readable. I also highly recommend checking out Alison Gopnik’s work (I liked her interview on the podcast ‘rationally speaking’, but there are lots of places you can find her).

      One thread that carries through both Oster and Gopnik’s writings is that there is a maddening amount of research (of varying levels of quality) on any given parenting subtopic. Parenting evokes a lot of anxiety in people, so there’s often a push to find the ‘best’ way or the ‘right’ way. But if every little decision carries the weight of all your fears and hopes for your child, you’ll suck all the joy out of parenting.

      Don’t try to optimize everything and be compassionate with yourself.

      Good luck!!

      1. Adventurer*

        I love that all three of these first comments reference Emily Oster’s books – I’ve read both of hers and am a huge fan. :D Haven’t heard of Alison Gopnik yet though, so I’ll check her out, thank you! And thanks for these messages and reminders!!

      2. Jenny*

        What I like about Emily Oster is that she digs into the studies and will show you why they are flawed (like breastfeeding studies that fail to account for socioeconomic factors).

        Parent blogs and forums can just full of
        anxiety and people telling you that you’re a monster for not making your own yogurt. You have to learn to tune those out.

        1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

          Yeah. For me, parenting was less about figuring out the ‘right’ thing to do with my daughter and more about being honest with myself about my worries — and working on developing a quiet confidence.

          Also trying to model the behaviour I want. Easier said than done, LOL!

      3. AGD*

        Cognitive scientist here, and seconding. I watched Alison Gopnik give a talk once and it blew my mind. I’ve only read one of the books she’s written or coauthored, but I want to get to all of them.

    4. Jules the 3rd*

      Best advice: Be kind to yourself. If the baby is alive, you’re doing ok.

      Second best: Think hard about whether you really need to buy something new. It’s not just the up-front expense, it’s the ‘what do we do with it when the child outgrows it.’ When my son was born, the crib was new, as was car seat, mattress, bedding, and changing pads.

      * Used strollers are fine, though check for recalls.
      * We bought almost all his clothes used – online, consignment stores, big swap sales
      * We used a cardboard box instead of a bassinet, the way they do in Finland. It was perfect.
      – Just find one that’s the right size and pop in a bassinet mattress.
      – We cut out part of one side for easier access.
      * We gave him the 6-drawer dresser from our bedroom suite.
      – The cleared top worked great as a changing table, though you do have to keep a hand on the child at all times. Which you should do anyway – the changing table rails are more suggestions than real barriers. All supplies go in the top drawers.
      – He still uses it now, at 13, and has some room to grow.
      * Used toys are great. The big consignment sale near us had an incredible variety of things that you would not see at Target or Toys R Us. We did eventually resell the railroad table, but he still pulls out the viking ship sometimes.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh gosh, yes! There is so much hardly used good stuff out there. I did get one or two things new that I just really loved, but everything else was presents or used or free. And it worked great for us.

        I would also take this advice one step further: consider, as much as you can, what you actually NEED versus what you WANT. There are such cool toys out there! There are such cute clothes! Such clever furniture! But kids, especially under the age of one, just don’t need that much STUFF. The less you have, the less you need to wash, clean, tidy and store.

        Also, easily the best toy for a child in his first year was a bunch of stackable tupperware. Seriously, everyday items are often better than actual toys.

        1. Natalie*

          For months and months now my daughter’s favorite toy has been a silicone cell phone case. For some reason my husband had 3 (why?) so the plainest one with nothing she could chew off and choke on is just hers now.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            My son’s fave toy for almost a year was the handle of a plastic toy bucket, the kind you take to the beach for digging in the sand. Not the bucket, just the handle. You will never know what will delight your kid, they’re all so different.

      2. kt*

        I too used a box — it was great. We use our local thrift store for basically a revolving children’s clothing cabinet because our friends with kids don’t quite line up with the right ages, so we just send stuff in through the donation area and go in the other door and buy more.

    5. Susie*

      My sister in law recommended Lucie’s List to know what to get for #1. It’s helpful–the only thing I would have done differently is to get more second hand. #2 needed a lot of different things than #1 due to some delays and I was able to get so many amazing things free from our local Buy Nothing group. I also have a friend I trade hand me downs with and a neighbor who will just throw bags of clothes over the fence =). It does take some organization when I get the new to me clothes, but having a box in the basement of the next size up clothes is so nice and a place to immediately send clothes to when we’re done is even nicer.

      And know where to ask for help and if your insurance covers it. Lactation and sleep consultants have been helpful to friends. (Though make sure you find a lactation consultant who believes fed is best). Also, find out about Early Intervention supports. I’ve seen so many mom freak out in parenting forums about their kid being delayed and how scared they are. They get a big eye roll from me (and some side eye about ableism). Both my kiddos had EI. The first had recurrent ear infections and couldn’t hear for months until we got tubes. Pediatrician wasn’t worried about his language development, but his daycare was. He qualified for EI and his language skills exploded (and tantrums decreased). #2 has significant special needs and qualified for all the EI.

      When I was a new moms group, I heard a mom worry about holding her baby too much (she might “spoil” him) and my husband was concerned about making sure our first had tons of opportunities for cognitive development in the first few months. But holding the baby and feeding the baby and letting the baby sleep is basically what the first few months are and what the baby needs. Be prepared for your little one to be much more exciting and engaging…right when you go back to work. For me, I really wanted to go back to work, but I did feel sad about missing watching him grow. But I did realize one thing that helped (i don’t know if this was intentional on the daycare’s part or not) was that the daycare didn’t tell me that my first had hit any major milestones (like walking) first. So I would say “oh he pulled himself up at home, so exciting” and later they would talk about #1 doing this kind of stuff.

    6. Hotdog not dog*

      Congratulations! You only need about ten percent of the items on any given “must have” list. Trust your instincts, you already know more than you realize.

    7. Generic Name*

      My son is 14, and my biggest piece of advice to new parents is especially if you’re type-a and love planning and predicting and controlling, well sometimes you just can’t with kids. Kids/babies are small humans with their own minds and needs and are not exactly rational and don’t respond to logic. There can be nothing physically out of place that you can see, yet some babies just cry. Other babies are super chill and rarely fuss. And the kicker is, you don’t know which your baby will be until they come out! Every baby is different, and I felt like as soon as I had my son figured out, he’d grow and develop a bit and everything would change. At 14 it’s still like that to some extent. The snack that he liked last week suddenly isn’t all that great this week. (I still have an uneaten 4 pack of butterscotch pudding in my pantry).

      You’ve probably also noticed there are approximately one million baby and parenting books out there. That’s because there are a million and one different ways to parent. No one has the single best way for all babies/kids. The best way to parent is what works for your family and your kid. And each kid within a family will be different too.

      The best advice my mom gave me is that plenty of parenting “experts” will come out of the woodwork (including me!!) to tell you how to parent. My mom suggested that when Aunt Sally or the friendly person at the library tries to give you advice that you have no intention of following, you can respond with, “thanks, I’ll think about it!”

    8. Stuffed eggplant*

      Apart from the other great advice, make sure each parent gets dedicated one-to-one time with baby, so that one parent doesn’t default to expert while the other defaults to helpless onlooker.

      1. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

        I second this whole-heartedly. It’s better for one parent to struggle a little putting the little one to sleep a few times than to set up a precedent with one parent as expert.

    9. Lizy*

      Get a midwife. I don’t care if you’re planning home birth or csection- get a midwife. They are literal gold.

      Also, don’t be afraid to change providers or ask for options!

      Drink all the water and eat all the food (especially right after. I was STARVING each time lol) be kind to yourself – hormones are no joke. And congrats!

      1. Jenny*

        Boy are the hormones no joke. No one warned me I’d have night sweats and hot flashes after having a baby!

      2. Natalie*

        I think you might be thinking of a doula? A midwife is a medical professional, in general they wouldn’t be present for a surgical birth. A doula is a non-medical support person that can be present for any kind of birth.

        2. anon for this*

          I don’t want to speak for the previous poster, but I do second the idea of a doula. I wasn’t going to, but my birthing plans quickly changed as it turns out kid was very stubbornly breech and I had to move from a birth center to a hospital as in my state it’s illegal for birth centers to plan for a breech birth. Since I’m a very stubborn person myself, and really more swayed by stats than American medico-corporate CYA, I wanted to attempt a vaginal breech birth with an experienced physician (I didn’t want to do a breech birth at home, I didn’t want to do a breech birth with a forced C-section, I didn’t want to do a breech birth with a panicky newb doc who was going to cause more complications than they solved, and those are for most women in the US the only options). So I did find an experienced doc in another state and drove there in labor and had an uncomplicated and speedy vaginal delivery, but the help and support of the doula in prepping for that and talking through the decision was very useful frankly (and she was great during labor as a person who was not my husband or a doc — my husband is a physician and I and he very much wanted him to be able to just be nervous dad rather than switching into work mode).

    10. Adventurer*

      Oh my gosh, so much amazingly great advice!!! Thanks to all of you!!! I am sharing this all with my partner and taking notes. : D

      1. E. W.*

        When I was pregnant with #1, my husband and I talked out our answers to a questionnaire put together by a pregnancy podcast called The Longest Shortest Time called something like 36 Questions to Ask Before Having Kids. It sounds cheesy but was actually fun and got a really good dialogue started between us.

        I think for me top advice is go with your gut—essentially do what you want to do not what you think you have to do. I am a doctors not midwives, hated breastfeeding so I didn’t, loved my epidural, loved baby wearing and hated strollers, huge fan of cry-it-out, fine with TV kind of a mom. My best friend is a midwife/home birth, no epidural, no sleep training, no TV, extended breastfeeding kind of mom. Our kids so far are pretty similar and are happy/healthy toddlers, it’s all working out fine.

        1. E. W.*

          Whoops haha I should amend—of course you can have a doctor and a doula if your covid protocols allow it, clunky wording! I just meant I didn’t feel the need for the latter personally.

    11. Jules the First*

      No real advice as I’m in the UK, where all the prenatal classes are being offered online instead (maybe ask your maternity care provider? Possibly even the same organisation that usually does prenatal classes?), but thought I’d say hi and that we must be pretty close together for due dates…also 24 weeks and due in early June. Someone recommended “Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn – a complete guide” which I’ve found very comprehensive and reassuring and covers best practice for the US, Canada, and the UK.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      Have some conversations about boundaries/expectations for family visits. You don’t necessarily have to decide things now, or stick with things you decide if you change your mind, but make sure you and your partner are roughly on the same page (and remember that especially in the days after delivery, it’s not just about the baby, it’s also about YOUR recovery so some of your needs/wants carry more weight). Ex: who can be at the hospital and when? how soon can people come to your house and for how long? what are your Covid precautions? what kind of help is needed and what kind of “help” gets turned down? Even if you have the best, most wonderful relatives you want to be a team if someone’s behavior gets weird lol

      1. Susie*

        and if you do allow visits (even just waving through a window)…ask people to bring a meal to share…especially one that can be eaten one handed.

        Boundaries can be evolving too–you’ll learn a lot about people and your needs in the first few months.

    13. Dark Macadamia*

      Books: I liked “Brain Rules for Baby” as an overview of early development and “Parenting with Love and Logic for Early Childhood” for concrete suggestions heading into toddlerhood.

    14. Teatime is Goodtime*

      My #1 piece of advice is: it’ll be ok. Honestly. You’ll be ok. Your child will be ok. You can make a mistake and screw it up and do all the wrong things and you’ll still be ok and your child will be ok. This is so so so so hard to believe in the moment, whatever hard moment it is (lack of sleep, baby fell off its first thing, nursing isn’t working, kid is sick, whatever). So many parents have raised their children with less knowledge, less money, fewer resources, less information… and they turned out ok. You can do it too!

      My #2 piece of advice has already been said: do trust your gut. There were two times in my life when I got oodles of opinions rocketed at me, one was getting married (specifically the wedding) and the other was a becoming a parent. And I asked and went looking for some of those opinions! But at the end of the day: it is your child and your relationship to that child and you need to feel comfortable with whatever it is. No one in the whole world will know your child better than you in that first year.

      1. anon for this*

        Agree! And my mantra was always, “How did my cavelady ancestor deal with this?” No, I don’t want the infant mortality of days, but other than that the thought experiment really frees you up as clearly children did somehow survive all sorts of things without modern electronics or educational toys or white noise machines or today’s variety of superparents.

    15. Aurora Leigh*

      Congrats! I’m 29 weeks pregnant with my first so just a few weeks ahead of you.

      I found an online labor class called Birth it Up. It was only $35 and is taught by a labor and delivery nurse. I think it gives a really nice overview and talks about epidural vs no epidural and she seems pretty even handed about the pros and cons.

    16. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Yay congrats! i was in your shoes this time last year, I had my girl in mid-July. This was my experience and these are my thoughts.

      Shortly after having a baby I found an IG page – mamastefit and themovementmama . I highly enjoy their content. The first one focuses on movements for pregnancy, labor and beyond while the second one is a pediatric physical therapist. 

      Some things that I tell my friends who are also first time pregnant – 

      the practical stuff – newborns don’t really need a whole lot at first – car seat, stroller, a place for them to sleep and some clothes. I remember in my pregnancy groups people had hundreds of items on their registry for things that would come in use as toddlers. Which is fine if you have the storage space. What physically helped me a lot with my recovery was wearing a belly binder. I got one from Amazon (cheap) and one from Belly Bandit (pricey) and both were great. I was never into shapewear but this helped me with my posture and back pain.

      IMO, two of the biggest sources of stress for pregnant and new moms is delivery & feeding. I was a high risk pregnancy and my team of doctors said that the only birth plan should be that baby and I make it out safe and healthy. I opted to go for a C-section at 36 weeks due to sudden preeclampsia rather than be induced and wait for days. It was a decision I made because I knew she’d be safer outside than inside my body. I healed well. I think the mental preparation, as well as forcing myself to walk as much as possible, and resting as much as I could aided in healing well. Definitely opt for a well nursery if you can. 

      Prior to delivery I had a very “fed is best” mentality (and still do). but I still wanted to try breastfeeding. Turns out I hated pumping. and formula was good for my baby. Don’t beat yourself up if you hate pumping/breastfeeding. Fed babies thrive and eventually they end up eating chicken nuggets and things off the floor (the latter I’ve only heard of lol). 

      Oh and I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but once I was home from the hospital and 85% healed, it felt amazing to have my body back to myself. I loved being pregnant but I had missed a few things like being able to sleep on any side I wanted to, having more coffee energy drinks etc.

      After having the baby, go outside and walk as much as you can. Baby needs fresh air. That’s my one regret.

    17. Potatoes gonna potate*

      Yay congrats! i was in your shoes this time last year, I had my girl in mid-July. This was my experience and these are my thoughts.

      Shortly after having a baby I found an IG page – mamastefit and themovementmama . I highly enjoy their content. The first one focuses on movements for pregnancy, labor and beyond while the second one is a pediatric physical therapist.

      Some things that I tell my friends who are also first time pregnant –

      the practical stuff – newborns don’t really need a whole lot at first – car seat, stroller, a place for them to sleep and some clothes. I remember in my pregnancy groups people had hundreds of items on their registry for things that would come in use as toddlers. Which is fine if you have the storage space. What physically helped me a lot with my recovery was wearing a belly binder. I got one from Amazon (cheap) and one from Belly Bandit (pricey) and both were great. I was never into shapewear but this helped me with my posture and back pain.

      IMO, two of the biggest sources of stress for pregnant and new moms is delivery & feeding. I was a high risk pregnancy and my team of doctors said that the only birth plan should be that baby and I make it out safe and healthy. I opted to go for a C-section at 36 weeks due to sudden preeclampsia rather than be induced and wait for days. It was a decision I made because I knew she’d be safer outside than inside my body. I healed well. I think the mental preparation, as well as forcing myself to walk as much as possible, and resting as much as I could aided in healing well. Definitely opt for a well nursery if you can.

      Prior to delivery I had a very “fed is best” mentality (and still do). but I still wanted to try breastfeeding. Turns out I hated pumping. and formula was good for my baby. Don’t beat yourself up if you hate pumping/breastfeeding. Fed babies thrive and eventually they end up eating chicken nuggets and things off the floor (the latter I’ve only heard of lol).

      Oh and I don’t know if anyone else can relate, but once I was home from the hospital and 85% healed, it felt amazing to have my body back to myself. I loved being pregnant but I had missed a few things like being able to sleep on any side I wanted to, having more coffee energy drinks etc.

      After having the baby, go outside and walk as much as you can. Baby needs fresh air. That’s my one regret.

    18. Wilde*

      Congratulations!

      For baby prep while you’re pregnant, I highly recommend Karrie Locher’s courses. She’s a post partum hospital nurse who has incredible content about looking after a newborn. Her Instagram is also a really positive and encouraging feed if you’re on social media.

      One thing I have often had to remind myself of is this – my husband and I dreamed of having children together. We chose to be parents together. When he has our kids (17mo & 2mo), sometimes he’ll make different decisions than I would – and that’s ok. I can trust him with our children, even when he doesn’t do what I would do.

      Lean in to your “village” as much as you can, for as long as you need to. People are often so helpful in the first month and drop off after that. But the long nights and lonely days still happen well into your child’s life. People asked us about our marriage and how we were doing so often in the first three months of our son’s life and we were doing great! Floating on a newborn cloud! But then no one asked for a really long time and it wasn’t until he was a year old that I realised we were about to have another baby, and hadn’t been on a date or had a conversation that wasn’t about babies for a long time, and I was beginning to feel bitter and resentful towards my husband.

      If you don’t know much about birth (and I knew nothing before my first pregnancy) I’d recommend reading a variety of stories so you have a good idea of how birth can vary on every spectrum. I loved Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, especially the birth stories in the first half of the book. They were supremely helpful mental preparation for both of my births. This book is at the home birth, medication free end of the the spectrum.

      No doubt there’s more we could all say – but you can do this! Having a child is incredible! I’ve never known love like this. My heart aches for my kids. My husband is a wonderful father. We are in the best days of our lives. Ignore the comments about how hard it is. That’s all true but it’s not worth focusing on.

      1. D'Euly*

        Seconding Ina May. I had a hospital birth with an epidural and it was still the most helpful book I read about childbirth beforehand.

    19. Anonymato*

      Congratulations!!!

      My main advice would be:
      1) equally prepare for the birth and the baby and your life after the birth.
      2) ask for help – and not presuming that spouse knows what you need and how you feel (and no, spouse, you cannot just stop in the store for 10 minutes on the way from work without consulting with me like pre-baby because I need you here NOW ;-))
      3) Do not rush your child to learn anything – they are on their own schedule and will surprise you. That doesn’t mean that you don’t need to check with professionals on developmental delays, but the ability of babies and kids to “magically” learn without me nudging them and stressing about their progress is pretty awesome.
      4) And, along the same lines, be ready for constant change – which is good and it can be hard. Like, the baby won’t be doing whatever is tough forever – and you don’t need to rush them(good!) But also, at the minute you think you figured out a way to handle the something, the baby outgrows it and you need to get creative again (hard!).
      5) Understanding that all of you are getting used to a new situation no matter how much you wanted the baby and how much you were preparing. I cared for my baby but it felt for a while like having a little stranger staying with us, and only felt “real love” later on.

      You will find your unique way to parent, these were helpful to me:
      – Chiropractor for me during & after pregnancy, and the baby (esp colicky ones but also just to help with growth)
      – book: Natural Hospital Birth by Cynthia Gabriel (no matter what birth you prefer) – overall much more practical advice than my 12-week birthing course ;-) I also like Aviva Romm’s blog.
      – pregnancy yoga to prepare for birth & after birth, and Spinning Babies exercises to get baby into position
      – I second the lactation prep if planning to breastfeed (prep for both you and your partner/baby’s grandparents/whoever will be supporting you).
      – finding a pediatrician you trust
      – I love Janet Lansbury’s blog for parenting approach (again, so individual what each person prefers), and liked some 1st 3 months stuff in the Happiest Baby on the Block
      – practical: considering getting life insurance and living will
      – if you have pets, preparing them (Family Paws has some nice resources).
      – you might want to consider checking if there is any lead in your apartment (I understand your landlord is required to tell you if you are renting)
      – figuring out baby care & back up baby care sooner than later if you are returning to work after the 12-weeks since so many places have limitations due to covid and/or waiting lists
      – deciding on social media presence for your child (We were really pondering if okay to post photos of our child without their permission to stay in the digital world forever)

      Okay, my post totally looks like I am doom & gloom when it comes to planning ;-) but hopefully some pieces will be helpful to others.

  40. Helvetica*

    Does anyone else also like foods that the majority of people would describe as “bland”?
    I recently a bit accidentally bought some matzo bread – it had a different name in French – and it doesn’t really taste like anything but I like snacking on it. I’ve also always love puffed rice and corn cakes, on their own. A nutritionist I follow on YT described such foods as “sad” but, I just sometimes crave something almost tasteless and I do enjoy it.

    2. Teapot Translator*

      I don’t really crave it, but I used to snack on rice cakes because the chewing helped keep my brain awake (I’m not allowed to chew gum). I wasn’t really hungry and I didn’t crave a particular taste in my mouth (sweet or savoury), so plain rice cakes fit the bill.

    3. English, not American*

      I love bland foods! I don’t like foods that use a lot of fragrant spices or multiple strong flavours, which makes me think I’m a “supertaster”, though I hate saying that because it sounds like a childish brag when in practise it just means more food and drink tastes bad.

    4. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      This isn’t exactly what you were asking, but your question reminded me of how it has always annoyed me that ‘vanilla’ is a synonym for bland or boring….personally I find vanilla to be a striking and unique flavor.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I hate the suggestion in baking recipes to stir vanilla into everything. Vanilla is crazy expensive these days – why would I add it to brownies or banana bread where it would be lost? It’s like the bakers all teamed up and agreed vanilla is the same as adding a little salt.

        1. LNLN*

          I read somewhere that a little vanilla in brownies makes the chocolate taste better. I am not good at figuring out flavors, so I always follow the recipe!

          1. oranges & lemons*

            You can also add a little espresso or rum to give chocolate desserts an extra depth of flavour, or sprinkle some flaky sea salt on them after baking.

        2. ThatGirl*

          It gives it depth of flavor, works beautifully with chocolate. But of course you can leave it out. A little cold coffee (tbsp or two) also works well without really tasting like coffee. And btw Trader Joe’s has very reasonably priced vanilla if you have one nearby.

        3. CC*

          If you have not bought vanilla lately, it has come down in price tremendously. It was almost $40 a bottle at Costco for a while & now it is down to $21. Not a reason to waste it but you might not need to use it as sparingly as you think.

    5. Never Nicky*

      I do like spicy and flavourful foods but I’m also happy with plain basmati rice (with a smidge of unsalted butter stirred through), a plain jacket (baked) potato or pasta – no toppings, but perhaps a little butter.

      (I see a trend there…)

    6. Anono-me*

      With some foods the texture is a big part of why I like or dislike it. Rice cakes have a fun crunch. Boiled peas are just bland mush.

    8. AGD*

      Me too. I think I might be a so-called supertaster, because I seem to have a high tolerance for boring food. If something has both flour and potatoes in it (gnocchi, pierogies, potato bread, etc.), my favourite way of eating it will be with a bit of salt.

    9. fposte*

      I’m pure Midwestern, baby; I’m all about the texture and it took me a long time to like quite a few pronounced flavors. Rice, yum. Potatoes, yum.

    10. Generic Name*

      Me! I love bland foods that are slightly savory. A lot of it is the texture. I love white rice with soy sauce, hominy with butter and salt. And yes, rice cakes.

      1. Reba*

        Rice is so good tho! I am a pretty adventurous eater, but I love to eat a rice right out of the rice cooker, with salt. When I was a kid my comfort meal of choice was a bowl of rice with gravy.

        1. Voluptuousfire*

          Same! (Minus the gravy)

          My neighbors growing up were Filipino, so they always had the huge rice cooker and had rice with every meal. I’d sleep over and the rice was always so good. It’s still my favor thing in the world, sticky plain white rice.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          All the varieties have different tastes to me — I have 4 varieties in my house right now.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Count me in. I do enjoy a wide variety of flavors and textures and spice levels, but when I want some comfort food I may go for mashed potatoes with a little butter and salt – or grits, or a baked potato, or rice… The butter-and-salt is pretty much required, but I don’t think that takes it out of “usually considered bland” territory.

    13. Deborah*

      Sure, I like plain crackers, dry ramen noodles, etc. I also don’t like condiments and salad dressings most of the time. But spices and spicy things can be fun too.

    14. RagingADHD*

      I have to be in the mood for it, but yes – plain matzoh, or saltines, or buttered noodles, baked potato or rice.

      Not all the time, but sometimes it’s just the thing.

      1. Helvetica*

        Yes, exactly! I do love plenty of flavourful stuff, I’m not a supertaster or anything. But sometimes the mood is just right.

    15. TX Lizard*

      Yes! I love snacking on plain rice chex, unsalted peanuts, etc. Sometimes I just want to snack with no flavor. My SO thinks its so weird

    16. Dan*

      I’m probably not thinking about this the way you’re intending, but…

      Bland foods are a blank canvas for a cook/chef to develop their works of art. Do I like chicken, which is bland? Yup. Do I like blandly prepared chicken? Nope.

    17. The teapots are on fire*

      I’m all about this. I like rice cakes and cornmeal mush and I adore banana sandwiches on white bread.

    18. No Tribble At All*

      Sounds like you also enjoy the crunch of it! Some things need a stronger flavor for their texture, but crunchy can also be a taste all of its own lol.

    19. allathian*

      I hear you. Don’t get me wrong, I like spicy foods as well, but I do enjoy lots of rather bland stuff. Rice cakes, plain cornflakes with milk, oatmeal with just a little salt.

      I’ve been known to eat a whole head of lettuce just as it is, with no sauce or any other veggies…

    20. NRG*

      Plain dry cornflakes, no milk. I just like the crunching. I bonded with one of my lifelong friends when we met over the fact that we both ate dry cereal.

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Is plain custard bland? Because I love it and just realized I haven’t had it in years. My reward for grocery shopping next!
      Not flan with that burnt sugar topping flavoring it, just milk & egg custard. Maybe some nutmeg on top but just enough for color.

  41. Santa Fe*

    If your marriage has survived an affair, can you share success stories, please? I know people have a lot of opinions and experiences but I’m interested in positive ones right now.

    I recently found out that my spouse has been having an affair. It’s stopped, and they’ve taken a lot of steps like finding us a counselor, altering their work schedule, and sharing passwords.

    But I still feel really insecure. I know healing takes time. I would love to hear from someone who’s survived this.

    1. fposte*

      There’s a relevant post up thread, wherein I note that one of my siblings did so successfully.

      Do you have a counselor just for you? I’d definitely throw that into the mix. And, counterintuitive as it seems, can you find something new, activity-wise, friendwise, whatever, for you as an individual? I think it’s important for a reconciliation to be a choice, not just a default, and you having more sense of individual agency could help with that.

    2. LNLN*

      Here is the thing that helped me the most: realizing that trusting my partner was not as important as trusting myself. I could not control what he did or what he chose. But I could trust myself. Whatever he did in the future, I could deal with it, I could make new choices, I could take care of myself. That mindset helped me take the risk of staying together. We have now been married 41 years and we are both very happy. I wish you well!

      1. Santa Fe*

        Thank you. Yes, a big part is feeling like I missed something so huge, and not really trusting myself. I like that, thinking that I can deal with it, no matter what.

        Thank you. And congratulations on 41 years!

    3. Sooda Nym*

      Author Lysa TerKeurst lived through this situation, and a couple of her books touch on the subject (It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way and Forgiving What You Can’t Forget). Definitely written from a Christian perspective, so if that’s a deal breaker for you, you may not like them. The books aren’t solely about the marriage/affair/reconciliation, but she uses that situation as a backdrop for the concepts she’s trying to convey, and I found them to be useful applied to different situations in my own life.

  42. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Since the news focus on the Covid vaccine has been on the frustrating and disorganized part, I thought I’d point out the good parts, because they are important too.
    -11.2% of the US population have gotten their first vaccine.
    -daily rolling average is 1.6 million doses per day, with a high of 2.1 million
    -total doses administered is just over 50 million

    *all facts gotten from Bloomberg, which is where I’ve been tracking the vaccine rollout.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Your formatting gave me a good giggle – it looks like you said a negative number of people were vaccinated. Which feels accurate here in New York.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I had to look twice to see what you were talking about, then I got a good giggle too. I’m a big fan of lists, but that formatting is definitely a bit awkward.

        1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          But that “it feels like a negative number of people were vaccinated” thing is why I posted this. 10.6% of NY state and 10% of NYC have gotten their first vaccination! Think of your friends and family-one out of every 10 has been vaccinated. Nearly 2.9 million doses have been given in the state, close to 1.2 million in the city alone. That is a huge amount of people who are now safe, and we should be rejoicing in that instead of just worrying about the rest of the people who are still waiting.

          1. fposte*

            Close to 30% of the population that can take the vaccine have gotten their first dose in my county. I’m psyched.

    2. AGD*

      I’m in another country and have been worrying about friends and family in the U.S., so this is very helpful! Thank you for sharing!

    3. oranges & lemons*

      I’ve been frustrated by the incredibly slow pace of vaccine rollout in Canada, so it’s nice to hear a bit of good news south of the border. I realize the US rollout has been a bit of a mess, but at least your supply is much better than ours!

    4. Enough*

      For some unknown reason my state seems to think they are doing a bad job with vaccines or need to say they do. (they aren’t) But the problem is they are only giving out part of the information so it looks bad. And their solution to make things better is to actually reduce they number of providers who can give the shot.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Yes! It’s so frustrating in so many ways but I think it’s good and important to step back and look at the big picture.

  43. Seeking Second Childhood*

    A winter thread: Ice dams, snow removal in the dark after an overtime day, and the fun things like making candy in the snow.
    I’ll write more the next time I take a break dot-dot-dot now back to 4 in boiling water in the gutters.

    2. D'Euly*

      I’d love tips on successfully making candy in the snow! After a few failed attempts in my childhood I haven’t tried again.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        We start with maple syrup and take it to “soft crack” temperature. We use a candy thermometer and look the temp up every time. Then pour it on a pan of fresh snow and eat it as soon as it gets cooled to chilly. Woks best in really cold weather.

    3. Girasol*

      We just got the most snow we’ve seen in four years, third most in 20 years. I’m so sore from shoveling my drive and walks and my neighbors’ (older than me and still working) yesterday and today, and I just noticed we’ve got icicles, so it’s time for the ice dam drill. It’s so pretty and soft and pure, and piled up so perfectly on every little branch. But – ow – the wonder part is starting to fade as the work part is adding up.

    4. Not trying to be rude, just good at it*

      Sizable driveway and front sidewalk. Snow blower worked for first snow and then the wheels that power the unit froze. Turns out it is a bushing on the drive train gears that failed. This is a part that never fails (except for me, of course) so it has to be special ordered. More snow coming this week. My snow pile in front of the house is up to 4 feet and going to get bigger.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Most of Saturday roof raking and trying to melt frozen gutters. Shallow roof, wide eaves, and not as much sun between snow falls as other years. My first round roof clearing I should have gone a lot further up the roof. I’m going to be putting heating cables into our gutters & downspouts when they defrost.
      Need exercise? Come clear a roof!

  44. Favorite liquor / cordial for ice cream*

    Does anyone have recommendations for alcoholic ice cream syrup/ toppers?

    Stuck in a bailey’s, kahlua, Godiva rut. Looking for things that will work on cookie dough, vanilla, or chocolate ice cream.

    Thanks.

    3. Nixologist*

      Chambord on vanilla, amaretto on anything, maybe frangelico? I have a Hawaiian macadamia nut liqueur that would work.
      Anything bold and rich and fruity would be lovely with vanilla.
      Chartreuse if you’re willing to try something herbal and weird but probably great.

    5. oranges & lemons*

      Apple brandy syrup–basically apple brandy reduced over the stove in a bit of melted butter. Also works with other brandy-like liquors, such as distilled mead or cider. Really nice depth of flavour. (This is also good on pancakes or cinnamon rolls or basically anything.)

    6. GoryDetails*

      Grenadine syrup! Probably better with the vanilla, although it’s assertive enough that it might be lovely with the others. It’s pomegranate-based, and a lovely red color.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oops – missed the “alcoholic” part. The syrup is NOT alcoholic, but you could add some vodka or tequila to zip it up a bit.

      2. No Tribble At All*

        There’s also pomegranate liquor which is delicious! Would go well with vanilla or citrus flavors.

    12. NRG*

      Pear brandy. Good as is, but I like to soak some pieces of pear in it and eat those. Great with vanilla ice cream.

    13. saf*

      Absinthe or anisette for the chocolate and vanilla. Also Chambord.

      Does Godiva still make the caramel liquer?

  45. Courageous cat*

    Anyone have any recommendations for beginner violin resources?

    I’m renting a violin today! I played double bass and viola for 8 years, so I know basic stuff, but need help with finding good exercises to try so I can get used to treble clef and just have better sound. Violins are so small I have trouble not making them sound squeaky.

    1. Jules the First*

      I would suggest some of the later Suzuki books, as you’ve already got the basics and just need to hone your treble technique…particularly helpful as you can get the recordings as well so you know what you’re aiming for. If instead you’re just looking for etudes or practice, there are two volumes of lovely ones by Mazas which are nicely melodic and also very good for using as a basis to hone a particular technique.

    2. Crowley*

      Viola!!! I used to play viola. I kind of miss it.

      Have fun with the violin, I completely understand what you mean, they are definitely noticeably smaller and potentially squeaky haha

    3. OyHiOh*

      Played violin from age 4 to 18. Have the messed up left shoulder to prove it, haha!

      Suzuki is most known for its repertoire but all of the books, especially vol’s 1 and 2, have tons of preliminary technique/skill exercises you might find helpful.

    4. Girasol*

      I’m in awe of our friend who bought a player piano (!) and uses it to play accompaniments to his violin practice.

    5. Courageous cat*

      Thanks y’all – didn’t even occur to me Suzuki had technique and stuff in it, I thought it was just etudes and sheet music. Been a long time, apparently. I’m grabbing a mute (I forgot how loud it is and how screechy a beginner can sound) and one of those.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I was steeped in Suzuki for decades. Did Saturday group classes, attended home recitals/hosted my own, my mother was a Suzuki trained piano teacher, yada yada ya.

        I did not realize, until like my late 30’s, that all those preparatory exercises my violin teachers had me do were written in the books (I have a truly excellent ear and started playing very young so I didn’t start actually reading music until book 3 and by then, there aren’t as many preparatory exercises), and that the teacher books (much harder to get unless you go through teacher training) have even more suggested exercises and modification for students who don’t get it the first time.

        The other thing I didn’t quite understood about Suzuki method was the cultural context of repertoire vs music theory. I didn’t really start studying music theory until I changed from my violin teacher’s group lessons to my mother’s. Violin teacher’s groups were about learning to play in groups. My mother’s were heavily steeped in music theory. I wondered, for years, why the music theory component seems lacking in Suzuki and the reason is this. When Dr. Suzuki developed the method, music theory was a standard component of Japanese public school curriculum. He didn’t have to build theory in, because when students came to his studio, they were already studying the fundamentals of how music works in their schools.

  46. worried dog mom*

    Hey all, this might get long, but I was hoping to get some tips/advice on post-op care for dogs! Also, if anyone has any experience with canine bone tumors, orbitectomies, or facial surgery in general, I want to know it all! You guys were here for me when I was having trouble connecting with my rescue dog, and how she blossomed when I got her a new friend, and now I need your wise advice.

    The background: My dog Sam (5 y/o pit mix) was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor on the zygomatic arch, and on Wednesday had surgery to remove a large portion of the bone. While in the ICU, the vet told me that he was doing incredibly well, better than they would have expected after that kind of procedure, and I’m looking to continue this fierce healing trajectory at home. He’s great about taking his pills and staying (mostly) calm, his only off-leash outside moments are in the backyard for as long as it takes him to use the bathroom, and I’ve moved my bed from the frame to the floor so that he can sleep next to me without having to jump up or down from anything. I was worried that he might get amped up around his sister (9 y/o GSD) but she seems to be afraid of him and his cone of shame and it was only yesterday that she could bring herself to even look directly at him.

    The problems/questions: 1) There’s a lubricant gel that I have to apply to his eye every six hours. We’re hoping that, at his two-week recheck, they’ll tell me his tear ducts are working as they should and then I can stop the gel, but until then, we’re fighting it out four times a day. He hates it and I don’t blame him! I’ve managed to do it fairly well so far by using my fingertip (clean and gloved) to dab it onto the corners of his eye, but maybe there’s a better way I haven’t thought of? 2) I am straight up terrified of touching his face too much. The vet told me that the facial bruising and swelling, and redness of the eye are all totally standard, and that I can clean his face with a warm washcloth if it gets a little gross from the discharge, and I’ve been doing that little by little. It doesn’t seem to bother him, but I’m a wreck. 3) The vet sent the bone to be analyzed and within two weeks we’ll know if they got clean margins. Has anyone BTDT with this? If so, did your dog need more surgery after the first one? 4) Just generally, I’m always looking for new ways to make him more comfortable here at home. What made your dogs the most comfortable after surgery?

    1. SpellingBee*

      The only suggestion I have is with regard to your item 1, and that’s to come at the eye from behind. In other words, instead of bringing your finger directly to his eye from the front, which will understandably make him flinch back, reach over the top of his head from the back like you’re petting his face and put the gel into the corner of his eye that way.

      Sending you good thoughts for his continued recovery!

      1. worried dog mom*

        Thank you so much! He was wholly unimpressed with seeing the situation unfolding from the front, so I’d been coming in from the side with the gloves, but I’ll definitely try from the back at his next dose!

        1. ThatGirl*

          Maybe give him tiny bits of treats while you do it, too? Something he really likes as a reward? I do that with my dog when I have to do something unpleasant.

          1. Reba*

            Yes! If you have a lickimat or other thing for licking (e.g. we have a nylon bone thingy that has small divots in it) giving some peanut butter, yogurt, some other treat that will occupy him while you’re working can really help! Did this when I had to clean a wound.

            1. worried dog mom*

              Thank you both! I completely spaced on bribing him with peanut butter, because the usual delivery method is a chew bone and those are forbidden right now as per the vet. It was a little awkward and I think he spent half the time licking some off the inside of the cone, but we got the gel done quicker than last time!

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                Honestly, if he’s distracted having to get the peanut butter off the inside of his cone, all the better as long as it doesn’t interfere with your end goal. Housemate and I had to cut a bandage off my pup’s foot at one point and I just kept shoving spatulas full of the stuff in her face so he could get the bandage loose without her pitching fits. But a lickimat is a good idea for the long run :)

                1. worried dog mom*

                  Yes, true! And seeing how focused he was on the peanut butter, I might just put it on the cone from the get-go, I’m already cleaning it off every time. (How does he get it so grimy, when he’s sleeping for most of the day? The world may never know.) I just looked up the lickimat, and also found one that suction-cups to the wall — hopefully this doesn’t turn into a lifelong thing, but if it does, I’ll be buying all the variations!

                2. Dog and cat fosterer*

                  I have also seen the simple solution of putting them in the bathtub or shower and smearing peanut butter on the tub or side at face height. It was suggested as a distraction when bathing but could be used for anything. The fridge would be similarly easy to clean. I think lickmats have ridges to make the pb last longer, but if you just need a quick dab then I like the idea of the cone itself.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Our buddy had surgery in October to have a mass removed, so not quite as extreme. It was malignant but they got all of it, so we were lucky. His problem was that he would not eat, so he got subcutaneous fluids.

      The first couple of nights, I slept on the sofa with him. He was so drugged and uncomfortable, I wanted to be there. That may have been more for me than for him.

      When he did feel like eating, I enticed him with hard-boiled eggs. He LOVES eggs. So that might be something for Sam– he gets a high level treat after his eye ointment.

      Be careful, though. Our bud wanted nothing but his eggs for weeks afterwards and started lying down in front of the fridge. Because he is spoiled rotten. We had a few arguments about eggs before he stopped begging for them.

      1. worried dog mom*

        Thank you! Sam is SO used to sleeping on the bed with me that the idea of not doing that was totally out of the question — the vet suggested I could crate him overnight if that was easier, but moving my bed to the floor for him was the only real choice. (He’s a velcro dog 100%, before all of this his favorite evening pastime was to lay on me while I watched TV and just stare up at me until he fell asleep. Which was a little unsettling sometimes, but the cute factor won out always.) He’s also super food motivated, so hopefully between a treat after and a little peanut butter to distract during, he’ll be more cooperative.

        I’m really glad to hear your buddy is okay, too! It’s so scary when they’re sick or hurt. The vet originally thought it was a tooth abscess until he did some skull x-rays, so going from that to an oncology referral was such a punch in the gut.

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I had a foster cat who needed a large portion of his neck removed as emergency surgery, and we later found out it was a nasty, invasive cancer. Yet he had good margins! And we were told that if he was still alive in 3 months then he would be cancer-free. And two years later he’s alive and doing very well. Good luck to your dog!

      1. worried dog mom*

        Thank you for sharing his story! I’m so glad he’s thriving after that, and it gives me so much hope for Sam. :)

  47. Jessie*

    Hi

    So, I have a question about self-help books. I have anxiety and a pretty negative way of thinking. I’ve been in therapy for 23 years but would really like to do some reading to help me. So, I would like some recommendations for self-help books. I did a quick google the other day and completely got lost. So does anyone have suggestions? What book did you read that helped you a lot or inspired you?

    1. mreasy*

      Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and When Things Fall Apart by Pena Chodron are the two I’ve found resonated most for me.

    2. Decidedly Me*

      I’ve started reading How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety by Ellen Hendriksen and have found it helpful so far! I’m maybe a quarter of the way through.

    3. HannahS*

      Mind Over Mood is a classic cognitive behavioural therapy workbook that people go through on their own. It’s not really like a book that you read through, it’s more like a book with worksheets and homework and stuff. It’s that’s your style, definitely can give it a try.

      1. Almost Academic*

        +1 to mind over mood. I’m a therapist and give excerpts and worksheets from it to clients all the time, plus keep it on hand for myself when I’m having a tough time.

    4. Sunflower*

      A good starting book is Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer. I actually read this only recently but it’s very simple and spelled out and I often go back to it. It’s great, simple overview of what shapes our negative thinking. I also really liked Kelly Cutrone’s book ‘If You Have to Cry, Go Outside’. A lot of people are not fans of it and it’s not a how-to guide but she doesn’t sugarcoat things and I found (most of) her takes refreshing.

      It helps to identify if you think there is something especially contributing to your negative thinking or other patterns you want to change. I generally avoid anything too general and look for titles that speak directly to my issue. Instead of looking at titles like ‘change your life now’ books, I look for books on how to stop people pleasing, etc.

      I love self-help books and started reading them when I started therapy because I was constantly finding myself in bad relationships and I became familiar with the term ’emotionally unavailable’. I went to my library’s online catalog and started searching under subjects ‘men and women relationships’. I’d start by doing that – Books are usually tagged by subject or topic so I just search to see what’s on there and available. In general, I like to check out a lot of books and then return them if I don’t feel like it’s working for me.

    5. Just Lurking*

      I liked “Self-Compassion” by Dr. Kristen Neff. It really helped me identify some of my more self-critical thoughts processes and how to react gently to myself for having normal fears and insecurities.

    6. chi chan*

      Rewire you Anxious Brain by Catherine Pittman was really good. It had activities and she did her PhD on the subject so it was laid out nicely.

    7. Bluebell*

      There’s a really fun podcast called “By the Book” where the two co-hosts spend each episode following the advice of different self-help books.

    8. GinnyDC*

      I highly recommend Presence by Amy Cuddy, Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl (an oldie but goodie), the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (another classic–a little business-y but very applicable to life in general), and Rising Strong (or really anything) by Brene Brown. All four of these were really helpful for me in reframing my thinking and dealing with my internal crap, although I’m still definitely a work in progress!

    9. Phlox*

      I keep Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski on constant standby when I need a book to guide me through how to operate my brain and body. It’s pretty big picture, includes a lot about science and research and how the larger society has an influence on our personal mental health. Burnout is about self help but also sexism, racism, transphobia and more can have real influences on us and our mental health. I really appreciate the hey here are some things you can do for you but also this can’t be a pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do it all yourself framing.

  48. Yellow Warbler*

    Does anyone know of a tooth whitening treatment that works specifically on the sides/crevices of the teeth?

    The flats/fronts of my teeth are fine, but the areas between the teeth are terribly discolored. I’m fanatical about flossing, but my dentist thinks it’s due to allergy treatments and extended braces wear (four years in my thirties, the teeth just refused to move).

    The areas between the teeth are so dark, it looks like I have food stuck. I’m so self-conscious about it and want it fixed.

    I know White Strips are the usual recommendation for whitening, but those don’t dig into the crevices.

    1. Dee*

      They make tooth “whitening pens” now.

      I found one overview article from a dentist that says “Better control is another benefit of tooth whitening pens. The brush-on application gives you precise control over areas that need whitening. A pen is much more accurate and less irritating than other whitening treatments.” so it’s possible it could get in between.

    2. A313*

      I don’t have any advice for you, sorry, but I am wondering about the allergy treatments that could be causing your problem. If you wouldn’t mind sharing the details of that, I’d be interested, but I understand if you don’t care to explain. I do hope you find something that works, though. The trays and whitener I got through my dentist seem to work on the sides of and between the teeth, as my coffee consumption shows up there.

      1. Yellow Warbler*

        They were a liquid medication and an inhaler that I used in the 70s and 80s when my adult teeth were forming. Nothing that’s currently on the market.

        1. A313*

          Ah, I see. Can your dentist shed light on whether the dark spots are staining or whether it’s true discoloration (in other words, whether the spots are stains that can be removed or whether they are the result of discoloration that’s sort of inside your teeth)? I remember there was an antibiotic that permanently discolored kids’ teeth, I think. I would think your dentist would be your best bet, or a cosmetic dentist, for addressing this.

          1. NRG*

            Yep, tetracycline. I have a friend that has permanent brown bands on her teeth. About the only thing that would work is a veneer, and she decided not to get them because her teeth are healthy otherwise (plus $$$).

    3. Reba*

      Your dentist should be able to sell you ($$ I’m afraid) whitening gel that comes in a tube that you use with a molded tray. The gel will smoosh into the interdental areas and sides. The pen type products may be much the same.

      You might also consider trying a water flosser device, in addition to or sometimes subbing for flossing.

    4. Squidhead*

      There are whitening mouthwashes. I think many are hydrogen peroxide based. Unfortunately they make my already-sensitive teeth unbearable but you might have different luck.

  49. lemon meringue*

    Anyone have advice for dealing with mice? I’ve discovered mice have been getting into my apartment from a disused heating vent. I’ve sealed up all of my pantry items and done my best to block the vent, but is there anything else I should be doing? I’ve let my landlord know, but is there anything I can do in the meantime? (If anyone has chew-resistant vent-blocking suggestions, I would appreciate them!)

    1. GoryDetails*

      Re the vent-blocking – steel wool might help. (I used some Brillo pads when I found a mouse-sized gap in mine, but you can buy plain steel wool at hardware stores if you need more.) Wedged in tightly it might work on its own, or you could staple it down to be sure.

      1. lemon meringue*

        Thanks for the tip! I might give steel wool a try, although since I’m a renter, I don’t think I’d be allowed to staple it down. I’m not allowed to put nails in the walls or anything.

        2. Sunflower*

          I took steel wool and then caulked over it. I can’t speak for sure but it shouldn’t be too hard to scrap it off when you move out. I know you already talked to your landlord but you can let him know you’d feel better if you took some further steps. Since you’re a renter, he’s responsible for ensuring your apartment is free of rodent so he should be OK with it.

      3. Venus*

        I used steel wool scrubbing pads and expanding foam insulation sprayed into the pads to keep them in place. I had squirrels and needed something immovable, and many years later it is still looking good. There were little nibble marks in the insulation in the weeks after I put it in place, as someone was very upset to lose one of his storage spots, but they couldn’t get past the metal.

    2. The teapots are on fire*

      Steel wool is probably too much to block your vent as you do need air to move through it with some efficiency. Hardware cloth, perhaps? How slow is your landlord to respond here? They have some responsibility to treat this with some urgency, so the real question is when are you coming over here to keep the mice out, Landlord?

      1. Sunflower*

        IME, when it comes to mice issues, landlords tend to throw their hands up. Even ones who are very good in all other aspects, tend to come into your apartment, set traps and then leave- esp if you live in a city dwelling. Make sure your landlord at least pulls out your appliances and checks for holes (behind the oven is a very common area they get in).

        My old apartment was super old and hadn’t been renovated in years. I told my landlord for my sanity and since he wasn’t coming in to do regular checks, I was sealing up every little space with steel wool and caulk. Every 6 months, I’d pull all my furniture out and check for holes. It definitely gave me a peace of mind and was worth the annoyance.

      2. lemon meringue*

        Thanks! Air circulation actually isn’t a problem since these vents are relics–they don’t have any use now.

    3. No Tribble At All*

      Another +1 to steel wool. I’ve previously used ultrasonic mice repellers, but I’m not sure how well they actually worked, and they’ll annoy any other animals (like pets) around. Honestly the best deterrent I’ve found has four legs, pointy ears, and meows a lot. Had mice in the house the first two years of college, but after we adopted kittens, the mice stayed away. So I think it’s now your landlord’s obligation to give you a cat :)

      For real though, mice can carry fleas into the house. The landlord needs to get on this ASAP.

      1. lemon meringue*

        Maybe I will suggest a relaxation of the no-pet policy is in order! I would love a cat. Although to be fair, my old cat contributed to bringing mice inside more than he succeeded in keeping them out.

    4. MissCoco*

      Peppermint essential oil or satchets work as long as they are strong enough that the smell is a bit unpleasant for you as well, but might be another line of defense for your pantry items.

      Since it’s disused I suppose you can get a bit aggressive with blocking it. I wonder if a hardware store could help you out with a solid barrier to put in the vent or in front of it? Also if there’s an outside entrance you have access too, that might be another area to really focus on blocking

    5. Reba*

      We have had good success with the spray expanding foam. I know it’s a rental, but it’s inside a disused cent, could the landlord really argue?

      We also used a battery powered trap, which seemed like the most humane of the kill options.

    6. NRG*

      Second the steel wool, although other metal meshes can work. If you are lucky with the vent dimensions you might be able to fit one of those “grease trap” type metal filters that are commonly used above stoves.

  50. Llama face!*

    Future travel daydreaming: Give me your fodder for life-after-pandemic travelling! ;)
    Where is somewhere you’ve travelled in the past that might be a less known or unexpected place to go but you really enjoyed it? And why?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      A couple summers ago I did a road trip that was several Civil War battlegrounds – we did Gettysburg, Antietam and Manassas, plus I spent a couple days in Richmond. I learned that week that Gettysburg is WAY out of the ordinary in terms of what sort of amenities and exhibitions to expect from national parks – they had this huge nice really well appointed visitor’s center with all kinds of displays and a big cafeteria and two cafes and all kinds of nonsense, and then we got to Antietam and were like “Ok, lunchtime, where’s the cafeteria … is there a vending machine? Okay, I guess we’ll just drive to the next town to find some lunch and come back?” (And then the next town was actually in the next state.)

      1. Llama face!*

        No food would have me black marking a site for good, lol. I am definitely a food-based traveller.

        1. Llama face!*

          Oops, missed the other part of my reply:
          If U.S. war history isn’t really my thing, would there be other attractions at those national parks worth visiting? Or is that pretty much their entire raison d’etre?

    2. Girasol*

      Where are you? If you’re in the US west, Newberry Volcano National Monument in Oregon is a hidden gem.

      1. Llama face!*

        I’m in Canada but this is daydreaming so no location restrictions. Anywhere in the world is fine. :)

    3. Sister Michael, Judo Blackbelt*

      We really enjoyed our trip to upstate NY, specifically the Rochester area. Lots of cool museums, art, and history. Went over July 4th weekend a few years ago and got an AirBnB by the river and it had amazing views of the fireworks!

    4. 2QS*

      The north end of Vancouver Island!

      I thought there was nothing up there – wrong. I found it peaceful but not boring. Not even a little bit boring. Gorgeous beaches, incredible hiking, amazing views, and actually quite a bit going on in terms of humans living up there (some Indigenous, some settlers).

      1. Llama face!*

        I have family on the Island but haven’t been back there since childhood. I loved visiting one beach (not sure where exactly it was) and picking up moon snails, which are basically like kitten sized giant aquatic slugs with ridiculously teeny shells perched on top. Obviously I was not a squeamish child.

        Vancouver Island is beautiful and I really should revisit it with adult eyes. Your description is very appealing to my introvert brain. :)

        1. 2QS*

          I understand entirely, as I also have an introvert brain, and B.C. in general is a good place to be solitary outdoors when possible (I need to go back to the Okanagan, too – nature and I spent some quality time together years ago).

          Wow, I’d never heard of moon snails! I wonder if that was out on the wild west coast of the island, maybe Botanical Beach? Guessing, though – haven’t been back there in ages. Now I’m fantasizing about traveling out west too. :)

    5. NeonFireworks*

      I’ve been on a bunch of amazing trips to California, but one of the big surprises was Sacramento. It’s become really lively and has a lot of interesting food and other cultural goings-on. Old Town is full of old-timey charm (boardwalks, candy stores, costumes, novelty photo booths, and a hotel in a permanently docked riverboat). The Central Valley is flat, and thus not quite as scenic as the coast, but the summer weather is perfect (hot and sunny and dry), which is a big advantage over San Francisco.

      1. Llama face!*

        I haven’t heard a lot about Sacremento before. Sounds like a fun place to visit especially with a friend along.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Don’t know about “less known”, but I had a marvelous visit to Quebec a few years back; went with a foodie friend and we stayed two nights, indulging in soooo many fabulous meals that’s dizzying to recall. High-end places (is it possible to have too much foie gras? Turns out it is, but I don’t regret it), more tourist-y places like Aux Anciens Canadiens (a lovely old building, with a maple syrup pie to die for), views of the river, the Hotel Frontenac, loads of historical sites… side trips included a visit to an orchard that produced ice cider, delightful stuff. Sigh…

      1. Llama face!*

        I’ve been to Québec too! :) I went (the city specifically, just to clarify since the province has the same name) back in 2015 for my first ever solo travel trip. I stayed at this wonderful bed & breakfast in a historic home called Gîte Au Bois Joli where the owner makes fantastic multi-course breakfasts. It was a very short bus ride to le vieux port (the old port) which has one of my all-time favourite coffee shops, Les Cafés Du Soleil. Really delicious cappucinos there! I took an extra bus trip on the morning of my flight just to get one more cafe visit in. I went to Québec in May so it was a bit chilly from the breeze off the water but otherwise a great experience.
        I never ended up going go Aux Anciens despite hearing about it since it was very busy and hard to get a reservation that time. Hotel Frontenac was pretty impressive and certainly gets a lot of traffic.
        Now you are reminding me of how much I enjoyed it. I should really go back sometime.

    7. IGoOnAnonAnonAnon*

      The beaches of Punta del Este, Uruguay, and up the coast north from there to José Ignacio and Punta del Diablo are gorgeous.

      1. IGoOnAnonAnonAnon*

        Oh, and Ciudad Viejo in Montevideo, the Rambla, and the museums are good, too. As is Colonia del Sacramento, right across the Rio de la Plata from Buenos Aires and accessible by ferry directly from there. Love and miss visiting Uruguay.

          1. IGoOnAnonAnonAnon*

            Uruguay has great food! It’s got more cows than people, and more sheep than cows, so if you’re a lover of grass-fed meat, you are in luck — delicious steaks/lamb, especially at an asado (barbecue) or from a parillada (restaurant or stall that specializes in meats cooked over open wood fire). Many Italians immigrated there in the 1800s, so there is lovely fresh pasta and good pizza. And since it’s got a lot of coastline, seafood is also excellent. Not spicy, very similar selection to food you’d get in Buenos Aires, if you’re more familiar with Argentina. I miss their chorizo, milanesas, freshly made ravioli from the grocer, and chivitos (their version of a steak sandwich — mmm).

    8. Voluptuousfire*

      Rehoboth Beach, DE. My best friend lives in the area and I usually go down for a weekend or two during the summer. We’ve been doing it for a decade now and we always have a great time. We hit up our favorite restaurants and I stay at an Air BNB that’s 15 mins walk from the boardwalk.

      I sorely miss that. Three years in a row
      I had to cut my trip short due to my dad having medical emergencies. He passed in May last year and couldn’t help but think “of course now I can go!”

      1. Llama face!*

        What a nice tradition. It is something special to have a place you can visit together often enough to build those kinds of memories. Hoping this summer lets us all have a bit of a return to the good times!

        Not the same as losing a family member, but 2020 ruined our long planned family trip to Mexico that was supposed to be happening this past xmas. My sister’s child was finally old enough to easily travel with and enjoy it and we wanted to get a trip in before they started on baby #2. We ended up with no travel- but another baby coming in the spring. So now even if travel becomes safe again that trip is going to be postponed for a few years until the next baby is old enough to be travel friendly.

    9. StellaBella*

      Southern Italy. Beaches. or Sicily, Marsala. I loved both, went at off peak times and enjoyed the beaches. And the food.

      1. Llama face!*

        I’ve been to Italy once but not yet to those cities (whirlwind family trip through a few islands, Rome, Venice, Sienna). I like to travel during the “shoulder” times when it’s not quite so crowded.
        My parents went back to Italy a few years ago and saw Andrea Bocelli live in concert performing in a Roman amphitheater overlooking the ocean. I don’t remember the name of the town but it was southern Italy. I am, of course, going to be eternally jealous of them.

    10. Anima*

      Come to Heidelberg in Germany! (I mean, this is daydreaming, so a flight is in the books. ;) )
      Heidelberg has Germany’s seconds most visited castle, and it’s a pretty castle ruin with an interesting history. That’s the touristy part of Heidelberg. It also has a nice high street, but that is as any high street in Germany.
      Leave that high street be and use the streets left and right of it, one along the river, it’s beautiful and has (or had, we will see after three month lockdown) cute little shops. Those two streets are not as overrun, and Heidelberg has lots and lots of cute houses.
      If you are into hiking, you can cross the river and hike up a fairly easy hike on the other side. Incredible views of Heidelberg city, nice forest, even less people and on top of the mountain is a church ruin combined with a Roman temple ruin. If you look really closely you can even see the Celtic fortifications.
      Veeery interesting history combined with a forest and a city with toilets, shops and cafés – it’s my happy place. Come to Heidelberg!
      (I don’t live there, but I live two towns over. I think I will go to Heidelberg if/when the lockdown lifts.)

      1. Llama face!*

        The closest I’ve been to Germany so far was a transfer through Frankfurt Airport. Heidleberg sounds charming. And yay, toilets! You never know how important public potties are til you are stuck in an unfamiliar city trying to find one! ;)

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      Shawnee National Forest in Southern IL — had no idea we had rock formations like that in IL and it’s just a gorgeous area.

      Dinosaur Valley State Park near Glen Rose TX! We did a camping road trip in 2018 and this was probably our favorite stop! The camping amenities weren’t great, but the natural beauty made up for it. Plus, we were able to wade through a creek with real fossilized dinosaur tracks. We are both big kids at heart — and it was way cooler than a museum. We’d love to go back (hopefully they’re done renovating the showers/bathrooms now lol).

      1. Llama face!*

        I haven’t visited much down south (I’m up in Canada) but you guys are tempting me to check out some of these places one day. :)

    12. My Brain Is Exploding*

      The Isle of Jersey in the Channel Islands. Small, good pubs, lots of history, cute castle, pretty towns, beachcombing. Lovely and relaxing and delightful.

      1. Llama face!*

        I would like to transport myself there right now please. I could do with some relaxing beachcombing and small island town atmospheres.

        (The fact that hereabouts we have been having temperatures cold enough to store pfizer vaccines outside this week is totally unrelated. Totally. ;) )

  51. lobsterp0t*

    We are adopting a dog.

    She has a broken front leg that isn’t healing well and So there is a more than zero chance it could be amputated.

    Anyone have experience with a tripawd?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t have three-legged critters personally, but I have had several friends that did, and they all adjusted super quick. My experience is for a one-eyed cat, and again, she figured it out right quick and (I am trying and failing to not say “didn’t bat an eyelash” or “just walked it off” sorry :) ) hasn’t had any problems since. Basically, once the painful body part is gone, critters tend to adjust to it not being there SUPER fast.

    2. BRR*

      I have a tripawd, adopted a little over 11 years ago. Overall he’s in incredible shape. At first I did more short walks a day but eventually ended up doing a lot of exercise because he had quite a bit of energy. He did injure his remaining back leg a little over a year ago which tbh sucks and while he’s recovered somewhat, it’s more like he has 2.5 legs now.

    3. sswj*

      I had a cat who lost a hind leg and still managed to sneak out of the house on occasion and catch birds. She was hell on wheels in the house on occasion, and never seemed to notice the loss.

      We now have a 3-legged terrier mix who lost a front leg to an illegal coyote trap. That was over 8 years ago now, and so she’s probably 10 or 11. She was a stray so just guessing at her age.

      I stopped feeling sorry for Annie a little over a year after her surgery. We had recently moved, and I hadn’t yet gotten a real birdfeeder put up. In the interim I put a wooden house style feeder (the kind with suet holders on the side) on a patio table the previous owners had left in the yard. Just a standard round metal table with the grating type top, on flat ground, with no chairs or anything near it. I looked out my window and saw 3-legged Annie, who is maybe 15″ at the shoulder, standing on that table helping herself to the suet!

      Poor girl still has PTSD when it comes to banging and clanging noises, but otherwise she’s just fine. She plays HARD with my Labs, and can dig a hole more than 1/2 her own body length despite the fact that it’s a front leg she’s missing. Her back and ab muscles are amazing!

      Your new friend will be just fine too, and thank you for taking her in!

      1. Anonymato*

        I know many doggies are fine as tripawd, but if you want to consider prosthetics, I have a good experience with company called Bionic Pets. They do prosthetics (and custom orthotics) for all sorts of animals. If you want to go this route, it’s best to consult before actual surgery to see how much leg to save and to get a cast.

    4. Doctor is In*

      A neighbor dog lost his back leg after a car hit him. He was a super fast runner (in our rural area many dogs run loose). The first time we saw him after the amputation, we noticed he was slower than usual, THEN noticed a leg was gone! Only problem: he could not keep his balance as well lifting a leg to pee!

    5. Lizzo*

      My friend has a tripawd shepherd-type breed and he is incredible! If you saw him running across a field you would have no idea he is missing a leg—he is easily faster than many four-legged pups I know.

      As others have mentioned, they adjust quickly. You may need to accommodate them for things like stairs, and you may need to do some physical therapy initially, but they’ll be fine.

      And, most importantly, congrats on the new family member! May you have a long and happy life together!

  52. Sunflower*

    Does anyone have a mini trampoline in an apartment? Thoughts on if you like it/advice on buying?

    I’m a jittery person who can’t sit still and a trampoline looks enjoyable to me as something to satisfy my need to move (I wouldn’t hate if it helped me get in shape a bit but that’s not what I see as it’s main purpose).

    I’m a bit nervous as I live in an old apartment and feel like it could be quite noisy or not good for the floor. I’m also hoping to get one that I can pack up and store when not using it.

    1. Grim*

      I’ll advise that you jump only slightly, like just enough to raise and lower your body about 6 inches, and you’ll be cool with your neighbors.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Look into mats to put under it. We have horse stall mats in my partner’s gym– if we didn’t, he would disturb me as well as the neighbors.

    3. StudentA*

      I honestly don’t think trampolines and apartments go together except maybe in very specific cases. Too risky. There are plenty of other ways to get your groove on.

    4. Might Be Spam*

      Like Grim said, it isn’t that loud if you don’t jump very high. I mostly just bounce a little. Depending on your noise tolerance, I would wrap something (like foam pipe insulation) around the springs to muffle the noise. That noise can really travel. It depends on how high you jump. There’s usually a cover over the springs for safety, but it doesn’t muffle the sound at all. You have to wrap each spring separately.

      If you need to move around while sitting, try sitting on a large exercise ball (sometimes called a yoga ball). It’s great for your legs and low back and for strength and flexibility. Sometimes I use it as a footrest when I don’t need as much movement. It’s also easy to throw in another room when you have company.

    5. nep*

      I love my rebounder but I wouldn’t have one unless I could be on a ground floor, or in garage gym where mine is now.
      What about a stationary bike or those portable ellipticals? Might work better in an apartment.

    7. LibbyG*

      Maybe get a stability ball to bounce around on seated? See if that does the trick? It’s good for posture and pretty fun.

  53. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone had any experience with Goldbelly? I ordered something that was supposed to be delivered yesterday. I got a notice that it was delayed due to weather. Now it seems to be sitting in Kentucky. I am in New York. UPS still says it should be delivered today but its pretty obvious that won’t happen. My concern is that even if I do manage to get it tomorrow it’ll be pretty close to inedible.

    Reading the website, it sounds like once they ship it, its out of their hands and I am out of luck. Has anyone had any experience? Should I bother trying to get a replacement?

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I had an order from them get delayed by an extra day last year. I called when I saw the delay, and they said that if it wasn’t still frozen when it arrived I should contact them and they would make it right somehow — but actually, it was still frozen solid when it got here. So I’d wait and see, but if it’s not edible, they should help fix it.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      There have been a ton of delays the past few days due to weather. Goldbelly may not be able to control shipping, but if there’s anything wrong with the product when it arrives they should definitely offer to replace or refund.

  54. Green Snickers*

    Has anyone had luck selling clothing on places like Fb marketplace or Craiglist vs Poshmark? I think the high shipping cost on Posh is a big barrier to sales. I’ve sold furniture very easily on Fb and CL but am curious how other items do?

    2. nep*

      I sell on Poshmark. Sales are not nearly what I’d like them to be. (Granted, PM allows sellers to offer free or discounted shipping…but then of course unless you mark up, that’s going to eat into your earnings big time.) Agree with you that the shipping cost (over $7) is a deterrent to many buyers. I pretty much won’t order anything online unless I get free shipping.

      1. nep*

        (I’ve sold a few things on Mercari too, but I’ve dropped that–prefer the flat shipping of PM. Haven’t completely ruled out Mercari again though; I’ve not really given it enough of a chance.)

    3. HBJ*

      I have sold household items on FB and clothes on Poshmark and Mercari. I like Mercari best. The reason I’m using the online platforms is because I don’t want the hassle of figuring out meeting in person and having people back out.

      The household items on FB were a serious pain. It was listed for quite cheap. The first person backed out after seeing it because of some damage … which I had very clearly described in the listing. (And, seriously, if you’re expecting something solid wood to be in perfect condition at that price point, you’re dreaming!) The second person backed out because it was too big … when I had listed the dimensions in the post. The third person almost backed out because it was too tall (again, the dimensions were clearly listed!) but ended up taking it. It was super frustrating.

      I like Mercari best because you can sell more items whereas Poshmark is limited to clothing and accessories. Mercari also has the lowest shipping and platform fees. Even though Poshmark has almost double the active users, I’ve sold more in less time through Mercari. I haven’t sold a ton of items either place (less than ten apiece), but so far I’ve had a good experience. It does make me nervous that there are very few seller protections if a buyer makes a complaint, but so far, I haven’t run into any bad customers, and my items aren’t high dollar either.

    5. pancakes*

      As someone who occasionally buys vintage clothes (mostly via Etsy and boutiques with their own sites) it would never occur to me to look on CL.

    6. llamaswithouthats*

      Very little luck selling clothes on Poshmark. I did sell a couple of items, but ended up sending the rest of my lot to ThredUP, which sorts and sells the items for you (and you keep the profits.) They are a little backed up so my stuff hasn’t been sorted yet, but they are a good option if you need to get rid of a bunch of items at once. They recycle what they don’t sell (though I’m not sure what that entails.) I haven’t had any luck selling clothes on FB Marketplace.

  55. Urine leakage*

    Apologies for the super medical topic.

    Anyone here want to share their experience with urine leakage? I’m in my 40s and it just keeps getting worse. Changing my underwear a couple of times a day. It’s just a spot here and there but it worries me. I’ve gained a lot of weight this past year. I’m sure that hasn’t helped.

    I’ve tried calling my doctor a few times but can’t seem to get anyone so until then, can anyone share anything? I never really did my kegels because sex has always been painful and I didn’t want to get any tighter.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Look online for PT resources for pelvic floor strengthening, but the kegels probably fall into that category too.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Liners work to absorb urine just as well as blood. It sounds like those should work for your purposes- although obviously going to the doctor is important!

    3. Lucette Kensack*

      This obviously doesn’t help with the problem itself, but have you tried period underwear? I’ve heard of folks using it for urine leakage, not just menstruation. Bambody offers extended sizes (and is cheap on Amazon), if that’s a concern.

    4. ShinyPenny*

      No personal experience with this particular health issue (yet, lol) but much sympathy. I dream of a world that is supportive of all health challenges, though, and talking about them openly is better/safer than suffering in silence!
      Pretty sure this is (yet another) majority-female health issue that (some) MD’s don’t address really helpfully. So you have to really advocate for help, which can be exhausting and humiliating. But your quality of life is worth the trouble! Being the polite but relentless squeaky wheel is, sadly, often required.
      Specific ideas:
      –Get tested to rule out a UTI (I think any urgent care could do this, if your MD is non-responsive?) Urinary tract infections can cause a lot of weird symptoms as people get older, and it’s cheap and non-invasive. And important to catch.
      –There are a LOT of treatment modalities for the different types of incontinence– like Physical Therapy specialists who ONLY work on urinary incontinence in women! (Access probably depends on where you live, and insurance, grrr.) But it’s worth researching possibilities to see what appeals to you: if your MD just shrugs, you can request some options by name.
      –My loved ones with this issue have benefitted a lot once we surveyed all the products that are out there, and found exactly the right pad/undergarment/etc that worked for their body type.
      It might take an annoying amout of effort, but sending you lots of hope that things can get better!

    5. Enough*

      Yes, weight will effect it. I am 65 and had 3 children. For me it’s not too bad and just use thin pads or pantiliners during the day. Has been recommended that I have surgery as the bladder has dropped.

    6. Teach*

      Yes! 1. Use incontinence liners or undies until you get this figured out. Your skin will thank you.
      2. Check in with your doctor in case you have a UTI or other situation.
      3. Then look for a women’s health practice – you are looking for pelvic floor physical therapy and possibly a urogynecologist. (They will know female anatomy – urologists often focus on men, in my experience.) It definitely fits with my experience and my reading that painful sex and leaking could be related to each other and caused by a pelvic floor issue – and I had relatively quick positive results with PT and some small lifestyle changes.

      1. Achoos*

        Pelvic floor physical therapists are amazing. I found out one issue I was dealing with was tied in to a whole bunch of nagging-but-not-worth-seeking-help problems. I feel so much better post-PT!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Oddly, I had something work for me. I read some where that leaks can be a dehydration sign. This made no sense except for the fact that I was terrible about keeping up with my water intake. So I decided to try gradually increasing my water. Each day I drank the same amount with small increases every few days. But I worked at keeping on track and not skipping days.

      The next thing that happened was I ran to the bathroom a lot. Then that tapered off after a little bit. It was a little bit longer and finally the leaking stopped entirely.

      So my friend had a similar problem. I told her what I had done. She decided to try it… sure enough it took a bit of time but finally her problem tapered off and went away.

      I used a formula to figure out what my intake should be. Take your body weight and divide that by 2. The result is the number of ounces of water to have each day. I was NO where near close. So I started out with a much smaller number of ounces, but I did my allotment each day without fail. I worked my way up to where I calculated I should be. (It’s important to work your way up, if you skip this part you may find new misery.)

      I have gone over this number and that was not a good idea AT ALL — at least for me. I measure out my water in the morning with mason jars. As the day goes on, I can see my progress. I like to get most of it in before dinner, so I do not have to get up in the night.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Body weight in what units? I get dehydration headaches and I’ll take any target to test. Thanks.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Pounds.
          I weigh around 160 sometimes a little more. I went with 160. So that meant 80 ounces of water. Some days there’s a little water left in the last mason jar. I don’t quite fit it all in. I think it’s more to the point to get as close as possible.
          Again, if a person is just starting to do this, then they would probably be more comfy starting with a lot less and working their way up over a period of a couple weeks or longer. It’s always good to pay attention to how we feel and how any new thing we try is going along.

    8. fposte*

      It wouldn’t hurt to look into irritable bladder as well. Check the list of possible irritant foods on the Cleveland Clinic site and see if you can find any pattern or if stepping back from some of those helps.

    9. WS*

      It can also be a sign of hypothyroid (as is weight gain), so next time you go to the doctor get that checked out with a blood test.

    10. LibbyG*

      I’m in my 40s and had this leakage for about 6 months after a childbirth that resulted in prolapses. I was referred to a physical therapist who assessed me and taught me exercises. I saw her twice. I wasn’t especially faithful about the exercises but I followed a Jegel app on my phone and tried to remind myself to engage those muscles, sort of like good posture. Now 9 years later, I don’t do Kegels regularly and I don’t have a problem with leakage. If I’m walking and I’m going to sneeze, I have to stop and flex, but that’s about it.

      I hope you can get good results! Addressing the issue now will pay off for decades.

    11. Unkempt Flatware*

      As a fellow very tight woman (so tight that doctors always ask if I experience pain), it is very common that tightness and some incontinence go hand-in-hand. It has to do with being unable to fully empty your bladder, I’m told by the specialist I went to at the Mayo Clinic.

      1. Urine leakage*

        This interests me greatly. I always feel like I’m a vessel of urine anyway. Meaning when I keep up with my water intake I’m always in the freaking bathroom. It’s so frustrating. If you can share any more info about this please do!!!!

    12. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Thirding or whatever seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist, sounds like a hypertonic pelvic floor. This can cause leakage when your very tight muscles finally fatigue a bit. Kegels may make things worse. A good read on those is Leslie Howard’s book Pelvic Liberation.

    1. KoiFeeder*

      I made the mistake of going into a sit-down restaurant post-blood-test. Shouldn’t have done it, I know I screwed up, but I was about to pass out or go full donner party from hunger. The waitress and I were the only ones in the restaurant until about a dozen idiots without their masks showed up.

      Basically, if I do catch COVID (which, honestly, I don’t trust people who didn’t even carry masks with them to not have it), I should call the restaurant and try to give the waitress fair warning, right? I didn’t exactly get her number, so I’m not sure how else I’d warn her.

      1. Llama face!*

        How does your area deal with contact tracing? It’s possible they may already do those notifications as part of their process. If not, then yes I think it would be the right thing to do. In the meantime, mebbe write down as much info as you can (time, day, table location, appearance/description of server) to have ready for if you need it?

        1. KoiFeeder*

          I did the second part as soon as I got home.

          There’s been an identity theft scam going around disguised as the contact tracing text- that’s why I thought it might be best to just call the restaurant so that the server knows that it’s a real hit and not someone trying to get her SSN.

          1. pancakes*

            I wouldn’t expect a restaurant where people are permitted in without masks to care much about contact tracing, if at all.

            1. KoiFeeder*

              I think the waitress might care! And she was the only one on duty at the time, so my other hope is that she’ll be the one to pick up the phone.

              1. pancakes*

                Hopefully you will not come down with anything, but if you do, I would hope there is local contact tracing rather than DIY. In my area it’s initially done by phone, then some follow up by text. From the waitress’s perspective I’m not sure a call from a stranger who may or may not have visited the restaurant would be much more trustworthy than a call from a someone tasked with doing contact tracing.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        How is it that you “screwed up”? I’d say you made a risk-based decision to go and that’s fine. You needed food quickly due to fasting; you were in a near-empty restaurant; you wore a mask, as did the server; and it’s allowed to dine indoors in your state. The people who showed up without masks “screwed up,” as did the restaurant for allowing them in. (I assume they shouldn’t have been allowed in? But it varies so much from state to state.)

        1. KoiFeeder*

          No, they should not have been allowed in. But I can’t blame the waitress- management wasn’t in the restaurant that I could tell, it really seemed to be just her and the kitchen staff having to make these decisions. If that pack of no-maskers had gotten violent from being refused entry it would’ve been one versus twelve and those aren’t good odds (well, I would’ve helped her, but she had no way of knowing that).

        2. KoiFeeder*

          (And, as for screwed up- I have an autoimmune disorder that means that I am very, very likely to die if I get COVID. I was far too hungry to think straight, but the risk-based decisions are a lot different for me and I should not have done something that risky.)

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Ah, OK. That makes sense. Without that context it seemed like you were being way too hard on yourself when indoor dining is allowed in your state.

  57. nep*

    Anyone here familiar with / worked with Documenters? It’s part of City Bureau–calls on citizens to attend local government meetings and report on them. I love the whole idea of this. I just learned of it the other day and I’m going to attend a training session next week to check it out.

  58. Writer Friend Stuff*

    Hubs and I got a timetable re: starting to try for kids (June 2021) assuming we both get vaccinated. No idea when *that’ll* happen. I exercise, eat healthy, cut alcohol, am on prenatals. My obgyn said that’s all I need to do. But what books did you read/what helped you prepare otherwise? I’m an emetophobe/terrified of morning sickness so I asked my obgyn who said she can write a Rx if severe. I’m considering buying B6 and unison bc I heard it helps. (My mom got easily sick during my childhood and it kind of scarred me). I bought What to Expect Before Expecting but found it stresses me out.

      1. HBJ*

        I’ve also heard a lot of people recommend It Starts With the Egg, but I’ve never read it.

        Both of these in terms of things you can do to help yourself get pregnant, not preparing for pregnancy/birth/postpartum/child rearing.

    3. Sunflower*

      I’m not pregnant or trying but your last line caught my eye- When my sister was pregnant, she raved about Emily Oster’s books (Expecting Better) which lay out pregnancy rules, why they’re in place and the risks surrounding activities so you can make your own decision (vs following the books with the hard rules of no caffeine, no alcohol, etc).

    4. Ranon*

      It’s good bonfire weather a lot of places, so I would suggest setting What to Expect on fire, which is probably its most helpful use.

      As a replacement, Mayo Clinic for general pregnancy guide or Pregnancy for Dummies if you want something lighter, Expecting Better for more stats around a few specific things, and all the back episodes of Longest Shortest Time for being a pregnant person, particularly the Ina May Gaskin series and the episode called “A Childless Man Gets a C-section”. The Birth Partner for your partner.

      For the once they come out books, AAP First Five Years (if you’re in the US) for an alternative to 2am googling and Baby 411 for when you’re too tired to pick up a book as big as the AAP one.

    5. Analyst Editor*

      I think a good idea of what to expect (but not guarantee of course) is what your mom experienced in pregnancy. It kind of tracked that way for me, though not 100%.
      I didn’t read much of anything, except ad-hoc research on things that I had specifically. One big thing I regret is not taking a birthing class and actually practicing the breathing and other non-medicated pain relief approaches, because my first baby came two weeks early (which is still normal BTW!) and I wasn’t mentally prepared.
      I don’t know how solid the research is on this, but I am a strong believer that reducing stress can only be good for your in pregnancy, both for conception and then for a healthy pregnancy.

      1. Double A*

        I definitely had a similar experience to my mom in terms of getting pregnant (easily even in mid 30s) but it I was definitely ona deep level expecting my birth experience to be similar and it was NOT.

    6. Analyst Editor*

      ALSO, a thing to consider – even if you hear some less than great stories in your family history, remember that your mom/grandma etc. likely were smokers, and smoking increases the risks of all sorts of negative pregnancy outcomes, so if you’re NOT a smoker you concurrently reduce them by a LOT. If you’re still a smoker, it seems like stopping can only be good.

      1. ....*

        I would hope anyone whose of childbearing age in 2020 didn’t have a mom who smoked! We knew the dangers of that in the 60s! I don’t think there’s a time where the majority of pregnant women smoked consistently

        1. Good luck! :)*

          Data from the Behavioural Risk Factor Surveillance System indicated that 44% of American women reported smoking in pregnancy in 1987 and 38% did in 1996. Incredibly, knowing that an addictive substance is bad for you does not magically enable you to stop using it!

        2. Homophone Hatty*

          What an interesting take. Lots of people of childbearing age currently would have had a mother who smoked. I know plenty of them.

    7. Natalie*

      The What to Expect series is pretty fearmongering/anxiety inducing, I think.

      This might seem a little out of left field but since you describe yourself as being terrified of getting sick, have you done any therapeutic work on handling fear and anxiety? Particularly if you have difficulty with fear and anxiety in general, I think you’ll find it very helpful.

    8. RagingADHD*

      There is only so much you can do, other than look after your health & nutrition as you are.

      There are decisions to make, like about your birth plan, style of labor prep, what sort of help to arrange in labor & after going home, etc – but your feelings about those things are likely to change several times over the course of pregnancy.

      One thing it would be good to discuss with your husband while the baby is still hypothetical, is what type of screenings you might get, and what you would or wouldn’t consider doing if the baby turns out to have issues. It’s a rare thing, but you don’t want to wait until you’re faced with it to discover that you two might not be on the same page, philosophically.

      Again, your feelings on those topics might change when the baby is real, but it never hurts to talk things through and get aligned.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Oh, and sidenote: stereotypical morning sickness is common, but certainly not universal. It varies by person and by pregnancy. I never threw up in either pregnancy.

        With #1, I would get bouts of sudden drastic fatigue in the 1st trimester and need to lie down, but no nausea. Colloquially, a “sinking spell.”

        With #2 I would get bouts of nausea, but never vomited.

        My midwife gave me the tip that including more meat in my diet, especially red meat, would reduce sugar cravings and reduce nausea. I don’t know the science behind it, but it definitely worked.

    9. Double A*

      Unisom and B6 is a lifesaver for me in pregnancy! Works great, I don’t puke when I’m taking it. Bonus, it helps you sleep.

      It doesn’t work for everyone, so you’d just want to talk to your doctor about what other treatments can be and how you can access them quickly.

      I saw someone mention the Mayo Clinic book, and that is a great, factual reference that I would highly recommend for just the basics of what is happening with your body and the baby. Expecting Better is a great book to have so you can figure out what is the deal with pregnancy “rules” like avoiding sushi and scooping the cat box (nice if you can foist it off on your partner, but unnecessary if you have indoor only cats).

    10. Jules the First*

      If it helps, I was terrified of morning sickness – I had it as a teenager with every monthly cycle – but my pregnancy version was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. I think I was actually sick a handful of times, though I had fairly constant nausea it never got bad enough to seek medical care.
      Things that helped pre-conception:
      – a few sessions with a therapist to unpack how I felt about pregnancy and parenthood and explore the whole what if it works/what if it doesn’t dynamic. I was super sceptical about these sessions, but I had fertility treatment so they were mandatory and actually I’m really glad I did them
      – the podcast the longest shortest time was helpful and interesting
      – talk to your partner about your childhoods and how you think you will parent. From watching friends do this with partners, there’s a lot of assumptions we don’t talk about because we assume that everyone’s parents parented the way ours did…not true and better to hash this all out before you’re sleep-deprived
      – find some non-alcoholic beverages you enjoy, and substitutes for your favourite caffeine-based rituals
      – work on your coping skills for dealing with stress and (if you currently work overtime) ways for leaving your work at work without feeling guilty
      – and finally, relax and enjoy this time: these are the last months that it will ever be just the two of you (baby will be a huge presence in your life long before your partner can interact with it or hold it). Do things you’ve always wanted to try. Hang out with your partner. Waste a whole morning in bed. Have champagne for breakfast. Do a movie marathon. Enjoy having your whole body all to yourself (it never happens again!).
      And good luck!

    11. Good luck! :)*

      Honestly, the best thing you can do with this pre-pregnancy time might be developing an anxiety coping strategy or learning to practice radical acceptance of things beyond your control. If you’re someone who’s used to being in control of things, pregnancy can be a very rude awakening. You might have a beautiful pregnancy where you feel great the whole time and have a healthy term baby! And you might not. When you’re pregnant, you’re signed up for whatever comes, and that goes double for parenting. Being able to accept changing circumstances or deal with unanticipated challenges in a way that doesn’t require you to already be prepared is a huge help.

      For what it’s worth, I am hugely emetophobic and puked until 34 weeks. It sucked. I got through it. You can too! You can’t always optimize your situation but you often can find a way to live through it anyway :)

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        This times a million. It’s very difficult to deal with anxiety and controlling tendencies when you have a small person who needs continuous vigilance. I was brought up by a very anxious parent and the impact on the child is huge. Work on your mental health rather than thinking about childrearing. You are busy when you have kids, but you also have hours in the middle of the night to google weird rashes and the symptoms of teething, it’s not a test that you have to study for in advance.

    12. Courageous cat*

      Hey! I’m an emetophobe too and very curious how this goes for you, because me vomiting due to morning sickness, and my kid vomiting due to anything are the two main reasons I can’t have kids. Or even work with kids. Or go places kids go.

      Keep us posted on how well the meds work if you end up needing them, but otherwise, wishing you the best of luck – I hear a lot of people like us don’t end up getting morning sickness as bad as others (no way to quantify that though).

      1. Good luck! :)*

        I am emetophobic – like, panic attack every time I vomit emetophobic. I vomited until 34 weeks of pregnancy despite anti-nausea meds. It was really, really unpleasant. But I would do it again, because now I have an amazing kid! When my kid pukes, my partner (or, one time during a family road trip, my mom) cleans it up because I can’t deal with it. Otherwise it hasn’t indicted my parenting.

    13. Generic Name*

      I used to also be terrified of vomiting, but I did end up getting morning sickness and threw up a couple of times a week for a couple of months. It’s was like a form of exposure therapy I guess because I’m not so terrified of barfing like I used to be. It was unpleasant to be sure, but it really wasn’t the horror I was worried about. I tended to be sick in the morning, so I made sure to eat stuff that wasn’t awful to experience a second time. (Raisin Bran is wretched to throw up, while froot loops isn’t so bad :) )

    14. Writer Friend Stuff*

      Thanks all for the tips! The podcast and Expecting Better sound interesting. I’ll keep folks updated when the time comes/how I feel etc.

    15. Jessie*

      Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn’t read anything. Just take your pre natal vitamins and avoid any dangerous activities (ie drinking) during the two week wait. That’s it. If you start reading stuff, it will complicate things and give you a headache you don’t need. Just relax and go for it.

    16. Anonymato*

      I feel it is helpful to actually find a ob/gyn or midwife that you trust, and who can talk to you about what are the important pieces to pay attention to in each stage, inc this prep stage. For me, deciding that I have authority whose knowledge I trust (instead of looking things up on the Internet) make a difference so I don’t get anxious. Yes, you still want to be impowered and knowledgeable parent-to-be, but that way I didn’t feel like I have to know it all.

      I used an app on my phone that did not have scary stuff (or very little). I think it was app IDid505862554

      As to other preparation, Fertility Massage & acupuncture if your area is safe enough right now to (both modalities great during pregnancy too) and guided imagery for fertility (Belleruth Naparstek has some) and fertility/pregnancy yoga if the group is talking about scary stuff…

      Seaband/Pregnancy nausea bracelet if you are worried.

      Aviva Romm’s books and blog.

      As to other prep – if any all prep makes you feel better: if you don’t have life insurance you might want to consider it – for the peace of mind & because if you decide to do it during/soon after pregnancy they seem to automatically consider you obese and charge you premium rate. I actually did a living will too which made me feel better that I made it clear what I want to happen if there were any complications and could then put it behind me, but I’d recommend it only if it won’t make you more anxious of course.

      If you have pets and want to already start thinking about some training in prep for them (in case it takes them more than 9 month to learn ;-), Family Paws has some nice resources.

      For me, coming up with my own “mantras” of sort to tell myself when I’d start spinning in my head was really helpful – whatever feels right (I am healthy, I am ready to get pregnant, I will be a great parent, I can do this”, and “baby is/will be happy healthy safe” when pregnant etc.

  59. Annie Oakley*

    Definitely avoid What To Expect. I wasn’t worried/nervous about pregnancy, but reading that book totally made me feel like I should be! A lot of people recommend Expecting Better, although I have not read it myself.

    Some don’t have morning sickness. You may be lucky and be like me with very little morning sickness (one week with each kid towards the end of first trimester).

  60. Cotton sheets*

    This is a kinda random question, but I got some really nice 100% cotton sheets last year on sale, regular like $130 on for $50. I got two sets. But… I kinda hate them. They are VERY thick. Kinda canvasy feeling. I use them, but I don’t love them. Regular washing has soften up some, but not much. Any ideas or tips to make them softer?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Do you use fabric softener? Has it helped at all?

      UGH I’ve had sheets like that and they were awful. I hate sheets that are thick and/or stiff. Unfortunately they never got soft enough for me, sorry to say. I ditched them and bought new ones. I’m super picky about sheets: they need to be on the thinner side, soft, smooth, and they must sleep cool. I finally found sheets I love at Target, though I can’t remember the brand.

      Speaking of sheets, my husband and I went a historic inn this week for our 25th anniversary and we fell in love with the sheets (actually, the whole bed–including the frame). The sheets were very soft and smooth, and kind of a medium weight. They felt like pure luxury! We checked the tag for the brand (Comphy brand; go to comphy dot com if you want to look) and were able to find them online. I ordered them this morning and I can’t wait to get them.

      1. Cotton sheets*

        I don’t use fabric softener as I have very sensitive skin, so derm says only unscented laundry soap and that’s it. Although I’m wondering now if dryer balls might help bang them into being softer lol. I honestly can’t figure out why these sheets even exist. I guess some people like stiff thick sheets??

        You described perfectly my fav type of sheets. I’ll check out that website! Hope your package comes soon.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I think the lack of fabric softener is partly to blame for the stiffness, but there’s not much you can do when the sheets are also thick. But if you can’t use it, you can’t use it!

          I can’t wait for my sheets to arrive! They also have blankets, duvet covers, etc. Just a note: these sheets aren’t cheap. They were 158.00 (US) for a king-sized set, which comes with two pillow cases. But if you’d slept in that luxurious bed, you’d likely agree they’re worth it! According to their website FAQ, they last two to three times longer than regular sheets. They’re not made out of the typical materials and have no thread count; they are treated for quick stain release; and are wrinkle-free from the dryer. Although they’re very soft, they seem pretty sturdy.

    2. Reba*

      It sounds like the issues are structural, unfortunately I don’t think the sheets are going to change that much! The bedding market is so wild, gazillions of choices and confusing lingo. Bummer that these didn’t work for you.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I did a little internet research, and the most common advice I can find is to add some baking soda to the detergent, and put some vinegar into the fabric softener dispenser. Since they’re not dispensed at the same time, they shouldn’t fizz up, but if you’re worried about that, maybe run one cycle with baking soda, and then run another cycle with vinegar.

      1. Cotton sheets*

        Oooo good idea! I’m in an apartment with shared laundry and our machines aren’t sophisticated to have a softener dispenser but I could run two cycles! I use baking soda and vinegar to clean so should be okay for my skin!

      2. Sam I Am*

        I use white vinegar instead of fabric softener in the wash, it gets all. the. smells. out. Not sure what it does to actually soften the clothes, but I’ve been doing it for years. I also use dryer balls, together I’m completely satisfied with my laundry. (Detergent is 7th gen scent free. I hate “clean clothes scent.”)

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Oh, good to know about the vinegar! Seems like no matter what I use or how much I wash them, shirts still have a lingering underarm odor. Does the laundry come out smelling like vinegar?

          1. acmx*

            I use the soak cycle for my running clothes and add a cup of vinegar to remove odor. I use unscented detergent and my clothes don’t have a vinegar smell (can’t recall if there’s a rinse cycle or not with the soak but they don’t smell like vinegar before the wash cycle).

    4. Yellow Warbler*

      If they’re white, you can add (a reasonable amount of) bleach to the wash cycle, since it eats away fabric over time.

      1. Cotton sheets*

        This is a great idea and I bet it would work! Sadly my skin can’t handle bleach in laundry. My ex used to roll his eyes so hard bc I have to travel with full length pjs, my own towel and pillow case in hotels. Otherwise I literally look like a lobster :/

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Watch the weave too–I like sateen, my mom preferred percale. Percale always feels rough to me.

  61. DieTrying*

    I learned this evening that a mentor of mine — easily one of the top five people closest to me in the world, including family — has been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. She’s entering chemo, but the prognosis for someone of her age (80+) is not great. Not quite single digits for the five-year survival span, but not far from it either.

    I am pretty numb. Most of the people to whom I would talk about this also know and love this mentor and are or would be at least as devastated as I am by this news. But most do not know (yet) and I do not wish to compromise her privacy, which is dear to her. And because of COVID (and her being exhausted from the disease and from depression), I can’t even go to see her (I asked, she refused).

    I’m sorry to add this downer to the thread. I just needed to say this somewhere.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am so sorry your good friend is so ill. Some people are such a gift in our lives, we can catch ourselves thinking, “How did I get this lucky to even meet this person??”

      Can you send her cards or short emails?

      I hope that you are able to talk with a few people IRL very soon. I do think it is asking a bit much for you to carry this sad news alone or almost alone. I went through this with my father. Finally, I told him that I could not carry his secret for him any more. I needed to have close people that I could talk with. He understood.

      1. DieTrying*

        Thank you. I am e-mailing her every other day (which will certainly make me work to have interesting things to report — and, happily, she is still interested in a number of the goings on in my workplace, etc.). I also sent flowers (before I got the bad news, even).

        And yes, I fully expect she will share the news more widely in the coming days. She is meeting with her doctor first to have clear and accurate information, both for herself and to share with her loved ones. I am so sorry for your and your father’s suffering.

    2. GoryDetails*

      Much sympathy! That’s one of the more cruel aspects of COVID – the way it isolates people when they most need to be together, but when the risk is just too high.

      1. DieTrying*

        Thank you. There has just been too much separation this year, even before this terrible reminder of the urgency of connection.

    3. Anono-me*

      May I suggest putting together an album celebrating your friend and her impact in your life. Use big bold print to write about happy and important shared experiences and use big bold pictures to illustrate the album. Then give it to her soon. (Maybe share with other people who your loved one has mentored/ helped to grow.)

      A friend from work received a similar album as a gift from his nieces and nephews. It brought him a great deal of joy.

  62. GoryDetails*

    Book thread! (There’s a thread farther up about romance novels, but this one’s for whatever you’re reading and/or want to recommend.)

    Most recent for me:

    A WIZARD’S GUIDE TO DEFENSIVE BAKING by T. Kingfisher (aka Ursula Vernon): it’s a delightful (and sometimes dark) fantasy about a teenaged bakery assistant who has a very small magical ability – she can do marvelous things with dough. Think making the gingerbread men dance, or making the sourdough especially… lively. Turns out her small gift comes in very handy when an army of nasty brigands menaces her home.

    NORTHWEST OF EARTH by C. L. Moore: an anthology of Moore’s tales about star-faring rogue Northwest Smith and his deceptively-angelic-looking Venusian sidekick Yarol, as they confront eldritch horrors and entrancing space vampires and more.

    And on audiobook: SEA OF GLORY by Nathanial Philbrick, about the U.S. Exploring Expedition of 1838-1842 – not nearly as well-known as the Lewis and Clark expedition, but with a lot of discoveries to its credit. Also a lot of strife and difficulty and drama, which makes for a good read.

    Oh, and for manga fans – there’s an extremely harrowing series that I’m following called BLOOD ON THE TRACKS by Shuzo Oshimi, a modern-day real-world-type story with hyper-realistic artwork that manages to be both cinematic and wildly disturbing. It’s about a boy whose mother starts to show signs of frightening mental illness, from deliberately shoving his cousin off a cliff to being wildly possessive of him when a classmate shows interest. The artwork includes a lot of panels showing only faces, sometimes only eyes, as the characters’ emotions show through… Tough subject matter, impressive story and art.

    1. CTT*

      I took this week off so I read a bunch!

      Finished “Square Haunting” by Francesca Wade about female authors who lived in the same London neighborhood (at different times) during the interwar period. HD and Dorothy Sayers are two of my very favorite authors, so learning they lived in the same building was a lot for me. I was mildly dreading the Woolf section because I felt like I already knew everything about her, but I learned some new things!

      On the Sayers tip, I also reread “Strong Poison.” I am tempted to start writing letters to the BBC and/or PBS about doing another adaptation, but with Phoebe Waller Bridge as Harriet (Wimsey casting recommendations are requested!)

      And finally, I read the recent Beowulf translation by Marina Headley. The ultra-modern language was cutesy, but 1) I liked her explanation that she used phrases like “#blessed” because one day it will be as old as Old English and 2) this is the most I will understand of Beowulf without time traveling back to college and taking a class on it.

    2. Ali + Nino*

      Two recent reads: Beautiful Boy (memoir by a father about a son’s addiction, recently turned into a film) and re-read The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down (narrative journalism about a Hmong family’s experience with the US medical system in the ’80s due to their daughter’s epilepsy). Both super sad but fast reads, and I loved them both.

    3. Decidedly Me*

      Just finished The Institute by Stephen King. After having 2 people recommend Brandon Sanderson to me in the same week, I’ve now started Elantris by him.

      1. Analyst Editor*

        Sanderson is a worthwhile read, and he has some really good ideas but his books and characters get repetitive. I liked the first book of his “Mistborn” series, but wasn’t a fan of how he finished the Wheel of Time series. I recognized to much of his typical setting sequences and personality types there.

    4. Bluebell*

      I read two fantastic books this week- The Bad Muslim Discount by Syed Masood and Golem Girl by Riva Lehrer. The first is a novel with two Muslim protagonists, and the second is a wide ranging memoir from a disabled artist. Right now I’m reading the 99% invisible book.

    5. twocents*

      Currently reading The Prince of Fools by Mark Lawrence. I like his style of grimdark that still allows for humor and redemption. I’ve had to put down other authors’ books when it’s clear that the only progress is “and then, we crushed the last bit of hope and everything got worse.”

    6. Might Be Spam*

      I just borrowed A WIZARD’S GUIDE TO DEFENSIVE BAKING by T. Kingfisher from the library. I can’t wait to get started reading it.

  63. Sam I Am*

    Copper was recomend to me because it won’t rust, like steel wool might. Be careful buying though, you don’t want a “copper coated” scrub, you want solid copper. Should be specific somewhere on the packaging.

  64. Paralegal Part Deux*

    Anybody else addicted to Funko Pops? I swear, I just bought the Tombstone set (love that movie!) and just spent some cash pre-ordering the Alice in Wonderland set at GameStop. I have the Jurassic World set and Supernatural ones, too. Anyone else collect these things?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have probably… 60 or so scattered around my office. I don’t tend to get them in sets though exactly – I get characters that I like, so I have a half dozen Leia and several Chewie, a bunch of Mickey Mouses and Belles and Groots, plus a ton of one-offs.

      My husband collects the Star Wars ones; he has a shelf running along his office wall just below the ceiling and has them lined up on that.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        He also has the Doc Holiday one from Tombstone on his desk – entertainingly, I just read Val Kilmer’s memoir (titled “I’m Your Huckleberry”) yesterday.

    2. DarthVelma*

      I don’t know if it qualifies as “collecting”, but I do have a bunch of these. My brother got me pretty much all the characters from Monty Python and the Holy Grail for Christmas a couple years back. (I returned the favor by getting him the 3 Storms from Big Trouble in Little China for his birthday.) :-)

      I also have several others, again mostly gifts, of characters that mean something to me personally – Augra from Dark Crystal, Maleficent as the dragon from Sleeping Beauty, Nicol Bolas from Magic the Gathering, and the Brite Bomber from Fortnite. :-) (Have the minis of the Ghoul Trooper and Skull Trooper from Fortnite as well.)

    3. Holly the spa pro*

      I have a bunch. Not to collect per se, i take them out of the boxes. I just get characters i like or silly ones. My personal favorite is Sharknado, it cracks me up every time. Most of them are anime characters. Im kind of glad i didnt get bit by the collector bug for pops because some of the rare varients get SO expensive.

    1. MinotJ*

      Aerie! They often have sales, and there’s always a bundle offer that’s something like “5 pairs for $25”. I now wear nothing but their cotton boyshorts, but my friends have other favorites.

    2. Juneybug*

      I like Hanes Women’s Cotton Hi-Cut Briefs. Breathable, fit well, holds their shape, etc. You can get them from Walmart, Target, etc.

    3. Ginger ale for all*

      Aldi had 6 pairs for something like $8.00 recently. They fit well and I would buy them again. They do a good job with basics, jmo.

    5. ImOnlyHereForThePoetry*

      I like Soma – they are both pretty and comfortable. Buy them when on sale and the price is reasonable.

  66. OyHiOh*

    Anyone participating in the Great Backyard Bird Count?

    I was all excited and ready to go . . . . and then we got this horrid blast of arctic chill and snow and nothing -I do mean nothing – is flying anywhere. It won’t thaw out here until middle of next week, sigh.

    On the other hand, my partner had photos of bird printed in the paper a few weeks ago, and then the local river conservancy district contacted him asking if he would be interested in participating in a wayfinding sign about local wildlife that they’re putting up along one of our waterways trails. So I’ve spent the weekend helping him ID a year’s worth of “goddamn wings” as he phrases it (he’s a portrait photographer by background photographing none human things during the pandemic).

    1. GoryDetails*

      I am – though so far my lists have been pretty sparse. The usual suspects have only been visiting my feeders in ones and twos, and I haven’t even seen all of those; there’s a white breasted nuthatch who usually stops by but has not appeared during one of my counting sessions. And the flicker and the red-bellied woodpecker are also notable for their absence. It’s been bright and sunny here (though very cold) so I thought the birds might be out foraging farther from the feeders while they could; there’s snow moving in today so perhaps I’ll see more of them, loading up at the feeders before the weather closes in.

    2. Rebecca*

      My friend is counting birds this AM, and had given me a form to fill out, but I haven’t started yet. I saw a Sharp Shinned Hawk in a tree near the driveway yesterday when I glanced out the window to see if it was snowing yet. I got a text this AM and my friend watched a Cooper’s Hawk kill a squirrel, and after getting at least part of a meal, was chased off by a Red Tail Hawk, so she got to see nature at work. Now she has zero birds to count, asked me if they were all at my house, but I don’t have any either (our homes are about 500 yards apart). Word must travel fast.

      Normal birds here, in winter, juncos, chickadees, nuthatches, tufted titmouse, sparrows, finches, red bellied/pileated/downy/hairy woodpeckers, cardinals, blue jays, blue birds, and mourning doves.

    3. OyHiOh*

      I’m fairly impressed with myself (and Peterson’s Field Guide to Western Birds). I successfully identified every “unknown small brown bird” in my partner’s file for the conservancy district wayfairing sign. It turns out he had a female red wing blackbird (contrary to name, it is neither black, nor red wing-ed), a brewer’s sparrow, a ruofus headed sparrow, and a lark sparrow.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Re the female red-winged blackbird – yeah, the females that are in camouflage often complicate things. I had a very strange biggish sparrow in my yard a few years back, went crazy hunting through the book for the right image, and only figured it out when her mate – a male rose breasted grosbeak – turned up! [Once I knew what she was it was a lot easier; should have spotted the heavy beak right away. But, yeah, not rose breasted at all, the females.]

    4. GoryDetails*

      Update, before the comments close – as of today, my bird-list is back to normal! Don’t know where the mockingbird and red bellied woodpeckers and hairy woodpeckers were over the last three days, but I’m glad I can include them in the count now!

  67. Sam Foster*

    Just read an article about the Give Kids the World Village. As portrayed in the article it is a joyous place that exists because of heartbreak.

    For all I know, there could be an awful backstory, but, I’m going to live in the brightness of the article for a bit.

    Link in comments.

    2. No Name Yet*

      I listen off and on to a Disney-focused podcast (DIS unplugged), and they have RAVED about GKTW for years. Both the amazing work they do, and how well-run it is. So I’d say you’re probably in the clear to just appreciate it.

  68. Ask a Manager* Post author

    There’s been a lot of discussion in the comments here lately about the vaccine lines — whether to take the vaccine if offered to you if you don’t feel your need is as urgent as other people’s, what to think of people who seem to be getting it ahead of others who need it more, etc., so I thought people would be interested in reading Carolyn Hax’s take on it from today, which seems pretty reasonable:

    https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-roll-up-your-sleeves-and-overcome-your-vaccine-resentments/2021/02/11/750aa00a-67cc-11eb-8468-21bc48f07fe5_story.html

    1. tab*

      I read that earlier and I agree with her. I’m 65 so I got my first shot last week, but I don’t thing the roll out is fair. People much older than me, or with preexisting conditions that make them vulnerable should be in front of me, but I have no control over that. We just need to get vaccinated as soon as we can (without cheating the system).

    2. twocents*

      Yep. Like everything with this whole pandemic, the rollout is messy, unclear, and varies state to state. But ultimately, we want everyone vaccinated, so when you’re told you’re next in line, go get it! I kind of laugh at all the articles that are asking why people won’t get vaccinated, when I would be in line right now, if I could be.

      (I also really don’t see what’s offensive about someone performing a community service at a vaccine clinic and getting the vaccine in exchange for their time/work.)

    3. Chilipepper*

      You changed my perception Alison. I was being curmudgeonly about several neighbors who bragged about finding ways to “cut the line.” Now I think, meh, get it how you can.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I think it’s also worth mentioning in cases like that these that no matter what, or no matter who, the more people vaccinated – the better. The more people get vaccinated, whether they “deserve” it or not, the safer we all become. I think some people lose sight of the bigger picture on that.

    5. LDF*

      I am planning to get my vaccine the same way as one of the friends she mentions, by volunteering. I feel good about it but don’t feel comfortable telling anyone about it IRL other than the friend I discussed “is this ethical?” with. I am glad more people have reactions like Carolyn’s but I think the amount of opinions like LW’s will lead me to only tell my family when it’s done and not really mention it to anyone else until it’s more relevant.

    6. MissDisplaced*

      I don’t think it’s right if you’re trying to cheat the system by jetting to other states where you don’t live, and thus cutting ahead of actual residents.

      But if you’ve been offered it via work (common) or because it was offered, take it. I DO think teachers ought to be moved up in the priority list though! They need it much more soon than a retiree like my 80 year old mum who doesn’t have to be out dealing with the public (and kids) on a daily basis. If you want schools to open sooner, get teachers vaccinated ASAP.

      I’m fine waiting longer as I’m able to WFH and otherwise healthy. Hopefully it’ll be a single dose by then anyway.

  69. Ginger ale for all*

    I just finished a cozy mystery where the solution that the author gave doesn’t make sense to me. I want to put out the gist of it below to see if it is just me or is the solution ridiculous. I will be as vague as possible.

    I won’t say the author or book title so I am hoping that this doesn’t spoil anything for anyone but if you are concerned, scroll on by.

    It is a murder that takes place in a business building that has security cameras on most doors. The doors that do not have camera coverage are alarmed. The murderer went through an alarmed door. The murderer said that they just placed foil between the sensors and then took out the door alarm batteries to open it without triggering the alarm. So this is my question, I have never seen a business have a battery operated alarm system on their doors. It seems ludicrous to me. I have a small battery operated alarm on my apartment door and you wouldn’t put something like it in a public business building, especially since it has a small on/off button on it’s side. Has anyone seen a battery operated alarm system on a medium sized public business building?

    1. twocents*

      I have not… Would it help to imagine a small business that maybe had to make shift their security system?

    2. Asenath*

      Is it an old mystery? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a business alarm that could be so easily turned off (not that I’m an expert in alarms or spend time examining them), but I do like old mystery novels, and sometimes I come across one which describes what was then, apparently, cutting-edge technology. To a modern reader, it sounds antique, or even like a children’s toy!

      1. Ginger ale for all*

        It’s a new one.

        I work in the kind of building that is featured. We have alarmed metal fire doors that have a bar that you have to press on for 30 seconds before it opens and the power source is wrapped in metal piping before disappearing into the wall.

        The mystery was well written . . . until that point. I feel ripped off both in money and time spent reading.

        1. Just Another Manic Millie*

          Please don’t feel ripped off! Just think of it as watching a TV sitcom that was plagued with continuity and factual errors. For example, in the “Room Full of Heroes” episode of the sitcom “Frasier,” it was mentioned that Frasier’s parents met in 1952. In the same episode, Frasier’s father said that he didn’t take Frasier and Frasier’s younger brother Niles to see Joe DiMaggio play baseball because they were infants (and then Joe retired). Joe DiMaggio retired in 1951. So not only were Frasier and Niles NOT infants before Joe retired, their parents hadn’t even met yet.

          And don’t forget the episodes of “Happy Days” in which Richie and Joanie had an older brother named Chuck, but then he disappeared, and their mother said in some episode that she had raised two children (not three children). And what about the early episodes of “The King of Queens,” in which Carrie had a sister named Sara? Sara eventually disappeared, and when Carrie visited her mother’s grave, there was no mention of Sara on the gravestone. Just the mother’s daughter Simone, which led to Carrie’s father’s story of how Carrie’s name was originally Simone and had to be changed.

          It seems that writers go by the rule of never letting the facts get in the way of a good story.

    3. RagingADHD*

      Sounds like one of the compromises authors often make when they invent a situation that’s too airtight, and they can’t make it work without bending verisimilitude. It probably passed muster with a lot of readers who don’t have firsthand knowledge.

      I know what you mean about holes like that spoiling the story. Sometimes it’s just a lack of rigorous editing. I read one a couple of years ago that I was really enjoying, until the poisoned wine changed from red to white between chapters (which was problematic, because it needed to be red for plot reasons.) And then the detective’s sidekick got shot in the leg during the climactic scene, but the wound switched legs on the next page. Infuriating.

    4. fhqwhgads*

      I suspect my knee-jerk reaction would be much the same as yours, but I’ve read enough “it’s absolutely ridiculous a company/office of X type/size would do something so duct-taped together” on this website that maybe it’s a lot more plausible than my knee-jerk reaction would expect.

    5. WS*

      My workplace has a battery-operated backup. If the power is out, it’s operating just on battery, and that’s the case for most small businesses (and yes, it has an on-off switch!). If the power is on, though, I’ve got nothing.

  70. Helpless*

    Content warning: Accidental death

    My brother-in-law’s sister died in an apparent solo hiking accident on Friday. After she didn’t return to the rendezvous where her husband was supposed to pick her up, her husband notified officials who began a search and found her body. I don’t know a lot of details yet–I found a local news article that indicated head and neck injuries and that she was found in a rocky area.

    I’ve met them a few times–though obviously we’re not close. I happen to live about an hour away from them and when my nephew was staying with them I visited a few times, had dinner and played games. My brother-in-law and my sister live 2000 miles away. They’re going to try and come to the funeral. My brother-in-law’s parents live 1000 miles away in a completely different direction, though I assume they are on their way, if not already here.

    I feel so bad for them. She was 40 years old and had three children–12, 10 and 6. And I feel like being the person closest, geographically, even though I am not directly connected, that I should do something for them? But I have no idea what and I don’t want them to have to cater to my feelings of helplessness and needing to help when they have enough to deal with.

    Mostly just feeling helpless.

    1. Bobina*

      Sorry for your loss!

      The advice that has always stuck with me in situations like this is that often practical help is the best thing you can offer. Food delivery to the family or cash are often said to be the most helpful if you can afford it.

    2. Ali G*

      I agree with food delivery. If possible, some pre-made, frozen entrees would be a huge help to keep the kiddos fed while Dad is dealing with everything. Gift card to a grocery store that does delivery would be good too.
      If you are inclined, when you find out the details of the funeral, you could offer your help to manage the post service gathering and other logistics which would be ahuge help.

    3. Chilipepper*

      Can anyone closer to them emotionally/personally give you odeas about what things or services they need?

    4. Not A Manager*

      What a tragedy. I understand your sense of helplessness.

      If it were me, I would ask my BIL about the logistics of the funeral, and if it seemed safe/reasonable then I would ask to attend. I don’t think a funeral is like a party where you don’t get to invite yourself; I think it’s a kind gesture to attend a funeral and in this case your BIL might appreciate your presence. Also, since he’s an in-law then I assume that he’s either your spouse’s brother or your sibling’s spouse, but in either case your own relative might appreciate your being there. COVID of course makes this more tricky, and you might not want to attend or they might be keeping the guest count pretty low.

      I would also plan to send food during the period around the funeral. Again, I think your BIL is the best person to ask about when that would be useful.

      Finally, people tend to all rally around right after a death, but it’s the weeks and months that follow that can be most difficult. In a month or two, I would send a small gift or activity for the children with a note that says that I’m thinking about all of them.

      My thoughts are with you and with your extended family at this time.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My dad died when I was 10. I realized recently that that is around the time people started giving me books as surprise gifts. And it really did help. Not feeling good and didn’t want to talk about it? Pick up a book to lose myself in–and be praised as a reader by the adults.
        Just, please no obviously thematic books.

    5. D3*

      I heard that story as I have friends who were hiking in the area earlier that day.
      I would recommend a card and fond memories, and a gift certificate for food delivery.

    6. Incessant Owlbears*

      Setting up an online meal train sign-up for them might be a kindness. When I lost my mom, the logistics of life were the last thing I wanted to think about, but people still need to eat. Plus, other people want to be helpful to the grieving family, so a central sign-up might be useful.

    7. violet04*

      I’m so sorry. What a heartbreaking loss. Sending a heartfelt card would be nice. I would suggest sending a gift card for local restaurants or food delivery. When my Dad died, my Mom got a lot of food and flowers shortly after it happened. It was much appreciated, but there was too much food to eat before it went to waste.

  71. Medea*

    What can I do with fresh parsley? I bought a small plant for a meal but I didn’t need it all. It looks like the plant will not survive for much longer so I’m looking for recipes that use it. Soups? Marinade? Dry them?

    1. Nela*

      Dice it and freeze it!
      Throw a spoon of the frozen parsley into the meal right at the end, and once it thaws it will taste and smell just like fresh parsley. Dried parsley is never that good.
      I’ve learned this trick from my MIL.

    2. mreasy*

      Parsley makes a great pesto! Also throw into smoothies if you do them, it’s very good for you and just adds miscellaneous “green” flavor.

      2. Medea*

        Nesting fail above…

        You’ve also answered what to do with the couscous and bulgur I’ve had in the cupboard for a little too long:) Thanks!

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I believe there’s parsley in the sauce for the halal cart chicken recipe from Serious Eats, and even if you don’t do the rest of the recipe (which is super tasty), the sauce also makes a really good quick salad dressing.

    6. kt*

      I like a set of salads that are inspired by Middle Eastern ones that almost use parsley as an ingredient. An Israeli friend just threw one together for lunch one day that had parsley as a strong component, mint, sliced radishes, pennies of carrots, and, uh, scallions or something — just veggies from the fridge chopped & thrown together with olive oil and some vinegar, no lettuce.

  72. Ice Ice Baby*

    I’m in Austin where we only occasionally get freezing temps and usually not for more than a day or two. We’re forecasted to have record breaking, sub-freezing temps as low as the single digits, snow, and sleet until Sat. Usually we cover our outside hose bibs with insulated faucet covers and drip our inside faucets. But now I’m hearing we need to take the insulated covers off and drip the outside spigots, as well, due to the prolonged amount of time we’ll be below 28 degrees. Can someone who has experience with this please advise! Is this correct? It just seems like ice will accumulate on those outside faucets and cause more freezing. Help?

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      We turn off the water to our outside spigots completely (midwest here). If you don’t have shutoff valves for the spigots, I would leave them to drip so that water keeps moving through the line, but yes, there will be an icy puddle from the drips.

      1. Ice Ice Baby*

        Thank you! I think I’m most worried about ice accumulating on the faucets themselves and stopping the drip thus freezing the pipes. No shut-off valves for spigots here, unfortunately.

    2. twocents*

      Inside, you should have a pipe that leads to your outside faucet, and you’ll want to turn your water off. This will be very simple, just a knob that you turn the opposite way from the pipe. I took a picture of mine (http://imgur.com/gallery/CfGCoOA).

      On your faucet outside, you can buy a cheap cover like this (https://www.lowes.com/pd/CompanyBox-Styrofoam-Faucet-Cover/1000651583). You’ll just push the box side up against the house, and tighten it with the black plastic. There’ll be a loop on the inside of the cover that you put around your faucet and the black plastic thing will let you make it snug.

      1. Ice Ice Baby*

        Yeah, that’s the type of cover we normally use and were told to take off and drip. Unfortunately, no shut off valve to outside faucets, I hear that’s common in colder climates, but not here in Austin.

    3. Annie Oakley*

      If you can’t turn off the outside spigots, but a bucket below to catch the dripping water. You can bring the buckets inside to thaw and empty when full.

    4. ronda*

      I think I saw on a this old house episode that the letting it drip effects the water pressure and makes it harder for the freeze/ burst pipe to happen.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I have had fantastic success with foam board insulation. It comes in various thicknesses. I believe I used the 2″. It’s a bit spendy, sorry, but it’s cheaper that fixing a busted pipe. You can save it and reuse it over and over.

      Here’s the thinking part. I would try to figure a way to cut it so it boxes in the faucet. You can also take flat pieces and lay them where the pipe runs on the side of the house or on the ground. I hope my description is kind of making sense.

      For my setting, my oil tank is in the garage. Water vapor collects up in the fuel line to the house. The water freezes. (Fuel does not freeze.) But the frozen water is enough to cut off my supply of fuel and my house is then without heat.
      Solution. My friend cut small pieces of foam board – 12 x 18 inches or so. And he put them on the ground where the fuel pipe comes out of the garage and where it goes into the house. He threw some soil on top of them to keep them in place. It’s been years. I have not had a frozen fuel line since.

      If you are not sure what foam board is you can google foam board and [Lowe’s/Home Depot] and you will see many examples.

    6. Venus*

      One year I accidentally forgot to turn off my indoor valve for my outdoor faucets. It gets really freakin’ cold here all winter. And my faucet was fine. It’s a risk to just turn it off outside, so not guaranteed to be ok, but the risk of a burst pipe is not 100%

  73. Chilipepper*

    Has anyone made an anonymous report (through official channels) and how did that go? I am considering reporting my city for a covid violation but I only know about it bc I work for the city. I remember the letter writer who contacted the news about their library providing daycare and it blew up. I dont want that or for it to come back and bite me.

    Re the violation, the city where I work has interpreted the state policies on masks one way, other cities, including where I live, have interpreted the state policies in a safer way (as I believe the state intended). So I did ask them to reconsider based on other cities, but they have not. Others pushed back too but they could know it is me.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I think the concern is that the city where Chilipepper works is being less safe?

        1. nep*

          Right–now I’m seeing…city where I live=safer; city where I work=less safe.
          The ‘reporting my city’ threw me.

    2. RagingADHD*

      If it’s open to interpretation, I’m not sure that’s actually a “violation” at all.

      I sent an email to report a business that was blatantly flouting our mask mandate, and nothing came of it at all. I doubt anyone even read it, because our county and state health departments are understaffed and overworked already.

      What outcome are you looking for, what mechanism exists to enforce the stricter interpretation, and how likely do you think it is that policy or behavior will actually change as a result?

      If the only reason you know about the different interpretation is that you work for the city, it sounds like it’s a question of how officials/employees are behaving at work, rather than a policy decision affecting the general public. Getting a house party or an event venue “busted” for violations is a lot clearer cut than getting state health officials to intervene inside a city hall.

      That’s a legally and politically messy situation, and it would be wise to consider the chances of any benefit, before you risk getting blowback at work.

      1. Chilipepper*

        What I want is a good question. I want our org to follow every other org like ours and not allow folks in without a mask!

        There are 2 pain points. 1. The state says businesses have to allow for religious and medical exemptions but in the section about govt bldgs, there is no mention of exemptions. Other govt orgs like ours are NOT allowing ppl in without a mask but our org says the exemptions are implied nd we have to just let them in. 2. State also says you cannot deny service if no mask for religious and medical reasons, you need to provide alternative services (online, curbside, etc). We have those options but our org says the law says we have to let them in. Other orgs like ours are not, as I said, letting people in without a mask, they tell them about alt services they offer.

        There is a place to report violations, but PollyQ is right, they likely will not do anything.

    3. Analyst Editor*

      Would you be willing to give more detail about the different interpretations? There’s a small chance, but why if your state is the one being very extreme and the city’s interpretation is the same one.

    4. PollyQ*

      I’m dubious that there’s anyone you’d be able to report a whole city government to that could or would do anything about it.

  74. Sunday Fundays*

    This is a little on the heels of MissGirl…and I hope not too late. I was actually logging on this morning specifically to ask about how to deal with a friend who

    Currently I am the friend who just isn’t reaching out much and hasn’t been about to for about 6-8 weeks. I will say I don’t cancel, though. I just won’t make plans because I know this is a hard season to commit. I am so swamped at work just the idea of exerting energy into anything additional is exhausting. All I really want to do is shut down at the end of my 10-12 hours and eat dinner/relax and get into bed.

    One of my friends expects a daily check in and is really really pissed at me right now because I only text her once or twice a week. She is not the only friend I have not talked to regularly, I would say I am not cut off completely but I talk to my few closest friends one or two times a week. Or one or two times every two weeks maybe? Things get like this each year and I would say in another month I’ll resume a “normal” schedule.

    I have known this friend about 2 years. It’s my first encounter with someone who doesn’t understand, even when told directly, that right now is such a busy time that when the end of my workday rolls around I turn all technology off and try to completely clear my head before bed. I have even told her I haven’t talked to anyone else, that I am an introvert that needs the 2 hours of “down time” I get a day to truly disconnect. But she uses our friendship to manage her depression/anxiety and told me its not fair to her – which I understand but I don’t know how to balance my mental well-being and ability to function with my responsibility to make sure she is doing well.

    The commentariat here is usually very good with advice and often sparks a lot of introspection. I am hoping this will happen here, too, and that I’m not too late!

    1. Still*

      “But she uses our friendship to manage her depression/anxiety and told me its not fair to her”

      Wait, hold up. Her putting the onus on YOU to manage her depression and anxiety is not fair TO YOU. Her mental health is her responsibility and it’s good that she wants to be in touch with people and be social as a part of that, but it’s absolutely unfair to put this much pressure on one person.

      You’ve told her how much contact you’re comfortable and happy with, she needs to accept that and adjust her expectations. She can decide that it’s not enough for her and she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, but she can’t keep asking you to provide something you’re not able to provide. You’re not her therapist, this is not on you. I’d keep reaching out as often as you’re genuinely happy to do it. And if every interaction ends up with her blaming you for being distant, you may rethink if you want to be in touch at all.

      I’m sorry, this sounds really rough. But this isn’t on you. It’s okay to say “I love you but I just don’t have the energy right now to reach out more often”.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Yeah. Under the circumstances, once or twice a week seems more than reasonable for you to contact her. You’re not her therapist, and therapists usually don’t contact patients every day.

    2. fposte*

      *Do* you have a responsibility to make sure she’s doing well? That seems like a lot to ask of anybody, and it’s not how I’d characterize my relationship to struggling friends. Yes, it’s hard for her to have needs that her friends can’t fulfill. But the notion that you’re somehow not fair to her by pushing your life aside and putting her more toward the center is deeply unfair in its own right.

      My inclination would be to say to her “I know that you need more than I can give right now, and I’m sorry that we can’t get on the same page. But once a week contact is what I’m capable of giving until March. I care about you and we’ll talk more then.” You don’t need to convince her here–you just need not to talk to her when it doesn’t work for you.

      1. Washi*

        Totally agree with everything fposte said, except I wouldn’t give her an end date like March. She seems like someone who would then start bugging you on March 2 about why you didn’t reach out on March 1.

        1. fposte*

          Mm, good point. Maybe this calls for making a March or April date now for a catch-up, like planning a specific lunch with the co-worker who wants to join you every day?

    3. I Want To Go Outside.*

      I’m someone with long term imperfectly treated bipolar disorder, where I only occasionally tip over into mild hypomania but sink into dreadful lows that last a long time. It’s not my friends’ responsibility to make me feel better. I’ve told my friends that sometimes I may go silent on them. The friendships that have lasted and deepened are with people who don’t take that personally, every so often reach out to me to say thinking of you. They accept me for who I am. And it filters out people who can’t deal with that aspect of me. So I have fewer friends but better friends. Sometimes a friendship can collapse from too much neediness on either side; you just aren’t compatible.

      I have a new friend with similar issues to mine. I initiated a serious talk about if I go silent it’s not because I don’t like you and he said the same was true of him. We also have an agreement that if one of us sends a “thinking of you” email then we both accept that not answering it is OK.

      So my “advice” would be to be clear about your boundaries and ask her to respect them, just as you respect hers. If she sees herself as your friend, then she deserves to see your whole self, and you deserve to have your whole self seen and respected. If she sees you as her carer/rescuer/etc, then setting boundaries is going to be hard for her and it may be that your whole selves aren’t compatible after all. But you deserve friends who can accept you warts and all.

      While your friend feels it’s unfair for you not to support her, she is being far more unfair to you by demanding contact from you, when that contact harms you.

    4. RagingADHD*

      Expecting /insisting that any adult except a romantic partner or an employee check in with you daily, is not a reasonable expectation. Or maybe a parolee.

      Your phrase “she uses our friendship” is 100% accurate. She is using you.

      She may be feeling very vulnerable right now, but her demands are intrusive and controlling. That is not an uncommon reaction by people with untreated or undertreated anxiety. It is sad and unfortunate, but it is still inappropriate.

      If she said it was “unfair” that you didn’t give her a million dollars, would that make it true? Of course not. You don’t have a million dollars to give, and if you did, there is no reason why “fairness” would obligate you to give it to her.

      Don’t argue with her about it, because picking a fight is just another way for her to keep you engaged and occupy your attention.

      Contact her when it feels right to you. If she wants to spend that time scolding you, tell her you don’t want to argue and hang up or leave the text chat.

      She is not your minor child. You can be a friend without owning her problems.

    5. SpellingBee*

      Good lord, she expects you to “check in” every day? That sounds exhausting to me, especially if that check in includes your “managing” her depression and anxiety.

      What everyone else has said. You aren’t responsible for her mental health, she is. You’re responsible for your own, and it sounds like this relationship, as she envisions it, isn’t good for you. If she can’t accept the boundaries you set, then this may not be a salvageable friendship.

    6. D3*

      I don’t even check in with my adult CHILDREN every day. That’s….a lot to expect. And putting the management of her mental illness on you absolutely is unfair. But not to her. It’s unfair that SHE expects it of you.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Wow. I will add my voice to the chorus that this is not fair to you.

      Tell her that she has all her eggs in one basket. She needs to get more baskets. Very seldom is having one single plan a good idea, back up plans are often necessary. As with any health issue, leaning on one person is usually too much for that one person. It’s not realistic to think that any one person can help her with her concerns. She needs several people…. and she should start trying to find them.

      I’d go one more step. Tell her that you cannot keep having this conversation. Let her know that you do feel bad about that, but feeling bad does not give you the bandwidth you should have to help her properly. Tell her that is her answer and please do not ask this again.

      If you search on YouTube you will find videos about people who try to guilt us into doing what they want.

      IF you lose the friendship, and it looks like you might, try very hard to understand that this person was not who you thought she was. Friendship is a two-way street- there’s a back and a forth. Friends don’t strong arm each other into doing something one of them wants.

      I have gone though points in life where I have checked on people daily. Every single one of these people found ways to reciprocate and they never once informed me that I “had” to check in on them. This is what it looks like when the playing field is level. We actually enjoyed each others company.

      1. RagingADHD*

        Yes, there’s nothing wrong with talking daily with a friend if both want to. It’s lovely.

        Its the sense of obligation, guilt, calling OPs reasonable limits “unfair” – that’s the problematic part.

    8. Dark Macadamia*

      Do YOU enjoy this friendship? When the two of you talk/hang out and it’s not about her depression and unreasonable expectations (is it ever … not about those things?), do you have fun? Are you getting what you need from her?

      If you only contacted her when you WANT to talk to her, and not because you feel guilty/obligated, how often would that be?

      I’d maybe tell her once more “hey, I care about you but I’m not available as much as you want me to be, I hope that can be enough but I can’t keep having this conversation” and then stick to that. Only initiate/respond when YOU feel like it. Ignore complaining/guilt trips. If she can’t respect your boundaries she’s not a good friend, and if the friendship ends it’s not your fault for standing up for yourself.

  75. Paris Geller*

    Not sure if it’s too late in the weekend thread, but I’ll take my chance and hope others are browsing while staying warm from the cold!

    I live in a small apartment, 500 square feet. It has a decent size bedroom and bathroom, a moderate closet, a huge living room (for the size the apartment is), and a kitchen. Lately I’ve been trying to tidy/organize, and I just don’t know how to make my space the most functional for me.

    This is the longest I’ve lived in one place since I was 18, and as such, I’ve accumulated a lot of . . . stuff. For most of my early and mid-20s, I lived a very minimalist lifestyle, but since I’ve been here a while I have more clothes, books, and hobby items than ever before. The problem is, I don’t want to go back to that ultra-minimalist time! I like my things! But I don’t know how to store it all. I think the issue is not so much space, but practicality of space. Like, I have plenty of space in both my bedroom closet and small utility closet to store things, but if things are out of sight, I often forget that I have them. I’ve definitely bought the same book twice because of this. This means that I have a lot of stuff strewn around my living space and it feels cluttered and I hate it, but when I put things away I forget about them. Any tips for how to work around this or storage solutions?

    1. nep*

      I’m sure others will have more concrete suggestions for items or websites, but I would just say to keep in mind vertical space, all the way to the ceiling. I’ve also seen people do interesting things with those shoe-storage-type things you hang inside a closet door. Can hold any kind of supplies, other items.

      1. Lifelong student*

        I use the over the door shoe bags to hold scarves. One is inside my closet door and another inside the bedroom door. Keeps them nice and also visible.

    2. Juneybug*

      Here are my suggestions –
      Create zones for hobbies, books, clothes, etc. For example, one area in your closet could hold all of your hobby stuff, thus a hobby zone.
      Use clear containers (or no containers if not needed, like books).
      Use all storage areas, like under your bed, top shelves of closets, etc. for seldom used items.
      Once in awhile, go through your apartment to review what you have.
      Hope this helps!

      1. Ice Ice Baby*

        When creating zones, also think about how often you use the things in that zone and let that dictate ease of accessibility. Frex, I love my books, but don’t reread certain types very frequently, so I might install a bookshelf above a door frame for books I want to keep but won’t likely need easy access to. That way I can still see and admire them, but they’re up and out of the way.

        Also, think about unused spaces! Such as the space between the back of a door and a wall. There are storage cabinets that are made to fit in this area and are mounted on the door’s hinges.

    3. Messy Sue*

      I find that when I have some stuff out and some put away, I always use the stuff that is out. If I can organise my storage in a way that is attractive as well as tidy, I find it a pleasure to get things out as well as put them back and I am more inclined to interact with my storage areas!

    4. RagingADHD*

      Check out the “clutterbug” approach to organizing. She has a good description of different people’s styles that work for them. For example, you may need a storage solution that is more visual, with labels or clear bins.

      Your belongings don’t have to disappear behind closed doors to be tidy, they just need to be corralled so they aren’t in the way, and they have a home when not in use.

    5. Still*

      Maybe instead of trying to fix the storage, you could focus on fixing the issue with forgetting what you have?

      Could you take some pictures of your hobby items and scroll through them whenever you’re bored or inspired to make something? Can you make a list of your books and double-check it before you buy a new one or when you’re looking for something to read? Can you get one of those wardrobe organiser apps so that you remember all your clothing options?

      Maybe you don’t need the items to be physically in your space if you have other ways to remember them. Just a thought.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My family started with a shared Google doc for groceries then moved on to books, movies, and we’re considering music. We have a wishlist section in each, very useful at tag sales & thrift stores.
        (That sentence just made me covid-sad)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      This gets worse as we age.
      The reason is we collect even more and more stuff.

      Invest in some clear plastic bins, I so agree. Maybe even go as far as investing in a good label maker if that motivates you to do better. Labeling everything is key because yeah, you won’t remember what you have.

      Group like with like. In some instances you may have to group things with how you use them. For example, all my glues and adhesives are in one bin. I don’t have any glues or adhesives anywhere else in the house.

      When you pick out bins or boxes, pick a container that is slightly larger than what you need. If there is extra space you will be more apt to put things away.

      A cool thing I read and find helpful is to never stack things more than three high. The reason for this is that people tend to tolerate moving 2 containers to get what they need. But after that third container it can get really annoying and stuff does not get put away. Here I go two high at most. It’s reasonable to put things away.

      I also use the size of the container to limit how much I can accrue. Going back to that glue and adhesive container. One day I went into a resell store that had ALL KINDS of glues and they were only $1 each, and these were the good pricy glues. I was drooling, I need stuff to fix various things. I forced myself to think about my glue and adhesive box and limited my selections to what I needed most and would still fit in the box. I still bought 8 or 9 different items and I ended up using them all. It was a good deal for me and I did not overspend.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I like shelves and bins, not necessarily at the same time. There are different brands of wire or metal shelving that come with assembly posts. The shelves come in different widths, and the posts can be cut to whatever height you like wherever you purchase them. I have these modular shelf units in a number of different spaces, and when you combine those with stackable bins, it’s pretty easy to corral all my stuff.

      I have bins of different sizes, from large plastic tubs all the way to stackable shoe drawers.

      If you’re putting the modular shelving into a closet, measure to see whether you can fit the assembled unit through the door opening. If not, you can assemble the unit inside the closet but it takes a little forethought.

    8. HannahS*

      I hard-agree with nep on vertical space. I’m also in a 500 square foot apartment and dang it’s tight, especially with two non-minimalist people with multiple hobbies. I have two approaches:
      1) If it needs to be visible, use vertical space. Others have covered it.
      2) If you’re out of room and it’s not stuff you use daily, put it under the bed but all together. For example, all of my craft supplies are under the bed. If I want to do some crafts? Look under the bed. If I need a glue gun? Under the bed. If I’m not sure if I have something, but I think I might? It’s all under the bed.
      Another example would be, I don’t know, baking supplies, or kitchen stuff that you don’t use daily–if you don’t have room in the kitchen, put it in the closet–but put ALL of it in the closet so that you know where it is, even if you don’t know exactly what you have. Then it’s relatively easy to comb through.

    9. Dark Macadamia*

      I recently saw an idea where you can buy QR code stickers for storage – so you’d make a list or take photos of everything in a box and link that info to a sticker on the outside, and then you can scan the code on your phone and it tells you what all is in the box! I don’t know if there’s a way to access all your lists with no code but that could be a way to help avoid duplicate purchases of things that are out of sight.

      It sounds like you have a lot of space in the living room. I’ve used that setup as storage with things like a nice-looking storage bench/chest or having a dresser with craft supplies in the drawers and using the top like a mantle (frames, candles, etc). Decorative boxes can look nice on a bookshelf and hide random crap that you don’t have a better place for.

    10. GinnyDC*

      I highly recommend the Clutterbug book/website by Cassandra Aarssen. She has a quiz that helps you figure out your organizing type and then gives suggestions specific to your type. One of her clutterbug types has the specific problem of squirreling items away and then forgetting what is there, and she has specific suggestions of how to organize for that. I really enjoyed reading the book, but she has plenty of free materials on her website so you don’t need the book.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look on apartment therapy, the oldest articles you can find. I guess they found high-end design more profitable–but they started as how to do a lot in small spaces without breaking the bank. Or your lease’s no-nails agreement.

      1. Uranus Wars*

        This was going to be my suggestion! I love apartment therapy (especially the old articles).

        I also echo with what others have said about vertical space and in general just STUFF. I live in a bigger space than you (650 sq ft) but once I started working from home I started to realize how much stuff was in here. And I went room by room and did a huge purge. Kitchen was probably the place I eliminated most – so many gadgets when one tool really can do all the work.

        I know some people say create zones, but I also found that keeping stuff where it FITS as opposed to trying to fit it into where my mind says it should go works wonders. So yes, I have a crock pot in my coat closet. But that means its not cluttering up the top of my fridge, and I can use that to store things I need daily in an oversized mixing bowl.

        Best of luck! I have loved purging to fit my space, as opposed to my old method of getting a larger space when I got more things.

  76. Ruth A*

    I’ve been having trouble with my right wrist. (I’m right handed, but I use my computer mouse with my left hand.) I’m pretty sure it’s not carpal tunnel – it hurts at the center of the back/top of my wrist, not along the thumb or palm side. It doesn’t always hurt, but doing a lot of writing/drawing by hand, particularly if I use a thin writing utensil, will make it worse. From what I found when googling wrist issues, it might be tendonitis. Two questions:

    1. Do you have a recommendation for a wrist brace? There seem to be a lot of similar looking things out there, but I don’t know if they’re all the same or if there are big differences between them. I think it might help whatever’s injured heal if I can keep it steady for periods of time.

    2. Do you have any suggestions or resources for stretching/strengthening exercises that would help either my wrist or my neck/shoulder/upper back? I have also had some stiffness in my neck on that side this week, when my wrist has been way worse, so part of the issue might be that my muscles are pulling all the way from there to my wrist.

    1. violet04*

      Check out Fitness Blender on YouTube for exercise videos. There was a new one posted recently for upper body stretches, but they have a lot in the archives too.

    2. PollyQ*

      If you can in any way afford it, go see a doctor! I know too many people who were left with permanent damage because they didn’t tackle these kinds of issues promptly enough.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I agree with going to a doctor to getting checked out.

        When I had tendonitis, the doctor prescribed an anti-inflammatory and gave me a set of exercises to do regularly (maybe once an hour). It was something like this:
        5 seconds with palms facing forward (fingers above wrist) with fingers straight up
        5 seconds where you kind of make a fist and curl them toward your arms kinda
        10 seconds where you put your palms together and lower your hands (not enough to really hurt, just enough to stretch)

    3. RagingADHD*

      There are many types of repetitive stress, that basically amount to inflamed soft tissue, aka tendonitis.

      Seconding the recommendation to see a doctor. For home management, the things that are good for inflamed joints are usually rest (stopping the incorrect motion), ice, NSAIDs if you can take them, and gentle stretching (though it’s particularly good to have medical advice here, as the wrong stretches can aggravate the situation.)

      Braces are good to help correct the stressfiul motion/position, particularly when it’s an unconscious habit. Most wrist braces are the same, and that’s on purpose- they are just there to keep your wrist in a neutral position.

      No matter what your incorrect motion was, the neutral position is correct. So get whatever style is comfortable & fits well. The only practical differences I’ve seen are whether it’s a pull on style like a compression bandage, or ones that have a rigid plate in the palm and straps.

      I recommend the kind with a plate and straps. The pull on style might be fine for maintenance/support after your pain is gone, but you need to be more restrictive until the inflammation heals up.

      You will need to follow an intervention protocol for a minimum of 1 month, even though the pain will likely ease up in a couple of weeks. Otherwise you can get in a cycle of re-injuring it before it’s healed.

      Wearing the brace will also help retrain your muscles to a better habitual position, though you may need to “refresh” the new habit from time to time.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I found a decent wrist brace at the grocery store. I went to a couple of chain drug stores and the prices were at least 5 times as much as what I found in the grocery store. I was satisfied with the brace from the grocery store, it did the job.

      If you are so inclined, peppermint oil is great on pain like this.

      I’d also recommend a chiropractor, you may have something pinching something.

      1. nep*

        Second peppermint oil in the meantime while you look into what might be causing your pain; it really takes the edge off pain esp neck. If you’ve never used it topically try a bit on your skin to make sure not irritating. You could blend it with coconut or another oil, but most effective straight.

      2. RagingADHD*

        Many “icy-hot” type pain rubs contain menthol as an active ingredient, and I’d recommend getting one that’s already formulated for topical use instead of putting straight mint oil on bare skin. It can be highly irritating.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Look into ergonomics–height of your workstation vs chair determines the angle of your hands on keyboard.
      Look at how you use the mouse–I use every keyboard shortcut I can because too much mouse makes my hand hurt, and I’ve never been able to ‘move from the elbow ‘ to make it easier on my hand.
      Look at your phone too– one reason I use speech to text is because I have no way to type on screen without stressing my writing/mouse hand. It’s worth it despite the typos it makes.
      Look at crafts– one reason I alternate knit and crochet is because they use my hands differently.

  77. Might Be Spam*

    Knitting or crochet suggestions needed. I just finished knitting a 10 stitch afghan and I need help with doing a border. I have some coordinating yarn for the border that I want to crochet instead of knitting. I’m looking for videos or instructions on how to get a knitted or chain look for the border. I like the raised chain look when I did the joining for the main afghan and I want something similar for the border. I think that crocheting the border will let me use up all of the leftover yarn most easily. Other suggestions are are welcome.

  78. Lifelong student*

    There are tons of youtube videos on every crochet stitch around. Not quite sure what look you are going for but a search for crochet borders should help you out.

  79. llamaswithouthats*

    Has anyone used those reusable bathroom cleaners with the tablets? What had been your experience with them? Are they better than just making your own vinegar cleaning solution?

    1. fhqwhgads*

      The benefit isn’t so much that it cleans better (not that it’s worse), but that, for example, 12 tablets takes up less space than 12 bottles of whatever else you might use.

      1. A313*

        Exactly; you aren’t paying for the water. The ones I have have came with very durable spray bottles that I (hope) I won’t have to replace anytime soon.

    2. RagingADHD*

      Don’t know which brand you’re looking at, but if it is rated as a disinfectant then it will be more effective than homemade vinegar cleaner.

      The type of vinegar available for household use is very good at making things shiny, but it’s too dilute to disinfect anything effectively. You don’t always need disinfectant everywhere in the house, but the bathroom is one place where you do.

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