weekend free-for-all – March 27-28, 2021

by Alison Green on March 27, 2021

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Girl A, by Abigail Dean. Lex is known in the media as Girl A, who escaped from the house where her parents had kept her and her siblings captive for years. This is about what happened afterwards and how each of them moves forward. It’s heart-wrenching but very good.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Sunflower*

    Is anyone following NYC real estate and have predictions about the rental rates and market over the next 6 months?

    I work in Manhattan and lived there for 2 years with roommates before lockdown. Since we’re WFH, I’m now in a cheaper city on a month-to-month lease in a studio where I’m saving about $600-$900 in rent a month than I would be in NYC.

    I want to take advantage of the lower rents and occupancy and move in alone when I return. I was planning to move back to the city in October but am nervous the rents will be skyrocketing back up by then. I’m expecting they’ll be higher then than they are now but I’m still hoping to get a reasonable deal. I’m planning to move back to Manhattan(neighborhood TBD) or Hoboken into a 1BR or studio. I’ve tried googling this but with most pandemic things, the answers all seem to be ‘who knows’ although signs are pointing that these are the places people are moving out of due to space constraints. Curious if anyone here is following this closely and has thoughts.

    1. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I am not a broker or realtor and I just moved out of NYC a few months ago after living there all my life. So, While I haven’t been following trends or anything, I am in some community groups and based on the posts on my feed, it seems that rents are just as high as ever in any of the 5 boroughs. When I was looking at housing options last summer, prices were just as high as we expected. Tbh I can’t imagine rents ever coming down significantly. I know firsthand that finding a good place can be really difficult – good luck for when youre ready to search!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I am about 5 hours outside the City. Houses are selling at an insane clip here – like within a few days of coming on the market. This is no-bells-and-whistles rural America. There is nothing here. Apparently there is high speed commuter line from this area into the city. I have heard of people commuting daily from here to NYC to work.
      Not really what you asked, but the running commentary around here is about the mass exodus. I wonder if there will be less people renting and that will drive rent prices down.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I hear about the “mass exodus” out of the SF Bay Area too and question the narrative. It’s true some CA folks are leaving for OR/NV/AZ and to the people in those areas it seems like CA must be emptying out, but here the data shows most people are just shuffling around the region. In reality, places like San Francisco and Manhattan always have vastly more people trying to get in than places to live, so some leaving still leaves huge numbers who have been waiting for their chance. Around me rents have dipped some, but unevenly and not everywhere. Luxury, small units, and high rises downtown seem to have the biggest drops in desirability. But otherwise sales are booming beyond all belief. (I honestly expected a pandemic drop and instead it bounced.)

        1. Amy*

          I live in San Francisco and lots more apartments are coming up for rent than normal, and rents have dropped significantly. I can get a one bedroom now for less than my studio. It’s pretty unheard of.

    3. mreasy*

      Live in Brooklyn. Friends funding new places have indicated they’re finding lower rents, but from what I’ve read a lot of the best “deals” will be in luxury where people are more likely to have had the means to leave the city. Who knows if we’ll see a return – ever – to where they were, but there are deals to be had now. I’d be surprised if rents rebound completely by fall, but the sooner is probably better.

      1. Dan*

        From what I read in the WaPo the other day, the same is true in DC. There’s *lots* of luxury units that have come (or are coming) online across the region, and the rents for those are soft compared to developer expectations, as those with $ are fleeing to the exurbs. Yet, there’s a pretty tight squeeze on the “affordable” units, and rents are going up because landlords figure the tenants have little mobility.

    4. Dan*

      It’ll probably take awhile for the “new” equilibrium to stabilize, but in the long run, I question the “death of the city” narrative.

      Why? Cities aren’t *just* about jobs. While I don’t necessarily want a long commute everyday, I’m also single. I don’t want to live by myself in the boonies where I’m far from anything that would constitute a social scene. While I’m not a sports junkie, I very much enjoy going to live sporting events, various performing arts, and most importantly, dinging out. If rents really start to drop in the close-in suburbs, I’ll happily look at relocating nearby to these things, even if I’m permanently WFH.

      Where some of this gets tricky is that many rentals close in tend to be small. That’s fine if you’re leaving to go to the office everyday, but if I’m permanent WFH, I’ll likely want something bigger than a 600 sq ft studio… or some kind of apartment building that has collaborative working spaces as an amenity.

    5. Pregnant during COVID*

      I don’t see rent prices changing so much as competition for rentals. The rental market will likely become more competitive as the year goes on and more people find themselves in your situation, thus making it more difficult to snag a good apartment. What I’m hearing is a number of companies are planning to return to office in September so I expect the spring/summer will be busy months for returning NYers looking for places to live.

  2. Come On Eileen*

    Can anyone recommend a dry food for cats with a sensitive stomach? I generally feed wet food to my cats but rely on dry food when I’m going to be out of town for a day or two (I have an automated feeder that spins around and disburses it while I’m gone). My cat seems to barf up most dry foods that I’ve tried so far. I’m out of town right now and am certain I’ll return to little piles of dried up upchuck, so I’d love to hear what works for you and your cats.

    1. Cat Friend*

      It’s from switching from wet to dry. Either get someone to feed your cats their regular food while you are gone or leave some dry food out all the time.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I give my cats both wet and dry – there’s usually always some dry food out, and I give them wet food when they’re sitting by their food bowls. Works for me.

      2. Equestrian*

        This. Also, Taste of the Wild or Royal Canin. Both are great brands that our cats love and have a limited ingredient line.

    2. Yellow Warbler*

      I had success with several “limited ingredient” formulas with my puker. I think one was Innova and one was Taste of the Wild.

      1. CatCat*

        I also had good luck with limited ingredient cat food. My cat did well on the chicken Merrick brand limited ingredient cat food. My cat horked anything that had fish in the ingredients. The Merrick varieties only use a single source of protein.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Taste of the Wild was a favorite of our critters as well. We have a girl with a sensitive tummy and while she may puke it up once, its ONLY once and not all the time. Box may be a different situation but in general, limited ingredient wet or dry is the way to go.

    3. TvH*

      Stella and Chewy has great kibble! My cat hasn’t thrown up once since I changed to this food. It’s expensive, but there is a five dollar coupon on their website.

      1. Frankie Love*

        I got a kitten this week. Her name is Frankie, she’s 4 months old and I’m in love.

        She’s soooooooooo cute :)

        1. Quiet Liberal*

          Hooray for you! We got a new kitty about six months ago! Even when she’s naughty, she’s so cute. There are people who don’t like cats, I do not understand it at all!

          I second the Royal Canin sensitive formula. Our old kitty had stomach issues and was a barfer. And, sensitive stomach wet foods gave her the runs. Our vet gave us four or five quart bags of different formulas he had to try, one at a time for several days each. We finally found one that worked. It was a Royal Canin Rx food, though. Kind of expensive, but such a relief to not be stepping on piles in the night. ;)

    4. WS*

      My cat would get so excited about dry food that he would eat too much and puke it back up, then happily go eat more. This happened whenever dry food was limited, so leaving it available in a bowl at all times meant that the novelty wore off and he was fine just eating a little when he felt like it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree. I lean more towards the cat is thrilled at getting dry food, which cats often consider a treat, and it scarfing it down. It could be a sensitive stomach, but if they’re only getting dry food when OP is away, it’s probably them scarfing it down because they’re excited to have it.

    5. Asenath*

      I have a cat who adores dry food and can only very reluctantly be coaxed into eating wet, which the vet recommends. One long-ago cat was what the vet called a “chronic vomiter” because she simply adored wet food, and ate it so quickly that it very frequently came back up again (sometimes, but only sometimes, to be eaten again). She was fed dry food only, in small quantities, and combined with marbles so she worked for her food and couldn’t eat it so fast. There’s so much variation it’s hard to say what the reason is with your cat. Maybe her stomach is sensitive, maybe she needs time to adjust to a change from wet to dry, maybe it’s the specific food that’s the problem. All I can suggest is to try getting your cat used to the dry food on a regular basis – that is, feed both foods regularly – and try different types of dry food. Meanwhile, the only way I can get wet food into my cat is to put out ONLY wet food, which she will eat some mouthfuls of, then after several hours, mix it with a little kibble and sometimes water, then she eats a few mouthfuls more, and finally give up and give her straight kibble because I think she might be starving! So she gets some wet food but not as much as the vet would like.

    6. Bostonian*

      Yes! I have a cat with GI issues who used to throw up with dry food. But when we got a kitten, we discovered the GI cat didn’t throw up when he ate the kitten dry food. Might not be the best selection for you if you’re trying to manage weight. The kind I use is Whole Earth Farms grain free kitten food.

      1. Lizzie*

        My cat pukes a lot less since I have raised her food bowls so that she stands in front of them and only has to tip her head down a little bit. She is a messy eater, so her dishes are on a tray with 2cm sides, which sits on a small wooden crate which happened to be handy when I was looking for something about 6cm high.

    8. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I used Blue Buffalo sensitive stomach for my cat, and she had no issues with it at all. IIRC, it even has either prebiotics or probiotics in it.

    10. mreasy*

      They may be eating the dry too fast because they’re excited about it! I have to disagree with commenters who recommend leaving out dry food, as that can lead to an overweight cat. There are cat food dispensers with refrigeration that you can use for wet food, though they’re a lot more expensive.

      1. Max Kitty*

        We bought the automatic feeders with freezable gel packs for wet food. Our cat loves his wet food, but he wouldn’t touch it from those feeders!

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Our barfer we think had a tough life on the streets before she showed up at the humane society and therefore overeats too quickly and too much. Shes had a secure food supply for 10 years now so Im not sure what the problem is :)

        Because she is such a food hog we had to get two of the special feeders that open based on their microchips – so it is much easier to put a smaller amount of food in her feeder than her brother’s and measure it out. She also has to specifically walk up to the feeder and wait for the little door to flip back before she can start eating, and that seems to chill the grazing problem. Im not going to lie, they were expensive, but we are really happy with how its helped us manage their food intake and it keeps the food fresher.

        We do feed a single packet of wet on a plate for the two of them and that works ok, but we recently found a super palatable high quality wet food that boy kitty wants just as much as she does and now she doesn’t have leftovers to nibble on and complains. You can’t win!

    11. MissDisplaced*

      It’s funny you say that because one of my cats always seems to barf the kibble, but not wet food. And I leave a small amount of kibble out all day and night. Usually, she barfs the kibble early in the morning before I get up and feed them their regular breakfast of wet food.

      I haven’t found a no-barf solution yet, and I’ve tried several types of all-natural, limited ingredient, and/or grain-free types and it still happens fairly regularly (at least 1x per week). Either there is something in the kibble upsets her tummy, or she just eats too much of it, too quickly, and thus regurgitates when it expands. I would say the limited ingredient type (chicken, brown rice) does seem to cause it less so, but maybe she just east less of it? IDK.

      If you’re feeding kibble, you might want to try a limited release automatic feeder that limits the portion size but dispenses more frequently.

    12. CatPerson*

      You might want to give your vet a call to see what the cat might be reacting to in the food.

    13. Vistaloopy*

      We have to get a cat sitter when we go away. Our cat throws up all dry food. Also the litter box is a disaster and he will end up peeing elsewhere.

    14. Come On Eileen*

      Thanks everyone! your comments have been really helpful. I’m going to try incorporating the dry food more regularly into their diet and also just ordered a limited ingredient dry food based on what’s been suggested here. You’re the best :-)

    15. Salamander*

      I like Purina Pro Plan Sensitive Skin and Stomach Lamb and Oatmeal. I have a cat who’s allergic to chicken, and he really likes that.

      I would consult with a vet, though. There may be an underlying condition if your cat throws up every day, and some investigation is warranted. Your cat may need something prescription, like Hill’s I/D. Both of my elderly girls with intestinal lymphoma eat this.

    17. Blackcat*

      At the recommendation (and prescription of!) our vet, we now do Royal Canin Hydrolyzed Protein food. Solved all of my cat’s (many) digestive problems.

    18. MontrealLibrarian*

      I used to work as a receptionist in a vet clinic, and we would put cats with sensitive stomachs on one of these 3 foods:
      – Prescription Diet (Hill’s) i/d
      – Royal Canin Gastrointestinal
      – Purina Veterinary Diet EN

      It’s been a while, so there might be other options out there, but these worked really well.

      Also, always transition on at least a week, gradually integrating the new food, before changing a cat’s diet. It usually helps with gastrointestinal issues. So I would slowly introduce the dry food you pick before switching them to it, especially if you’re not using one of the three options mentioned above.

      Also, it’s possible that your cat throws up because he eats too fast! There are some bowls that exist that make cats work for their food and thus forces then to eat more slowly, which usually helps with the barfing.

      I hope this helps, and good luck!

    19. FalafalBella*

      My kitty has sensitive GI/renal systems. I leave dry food out all the time and feed her canned food a few times a day. The vet recommended Royal Canin or Hills Urinary prescription cat food. My cat loves the Hills dry cat food yet prefers the Royal Canin canned food.
      Good luck.

    20. BelleMorte*

      Raise the bowls, so that when the kitties are eating their necks are more or less straight, I find this helps a lot with my pukers.

      The big deal here may be switching back and forth.

    21. Momma Bear*

      Is it the grain? One of my cats has to be on wet food because even after trying a novel protein diet, we realized it was probably grain in dry food. No grain = no puking. It’s hard to find a cat sitter for wet food, though. I sympathize.

  3. LimeRoos*

    Since this is a huge audience, I’d like some help/book recommendations. I’m trying to search for books I read in middle school, from 1998-2001. They’re mainly sci-fi fantasy. I was a huge fan of Mercedes Lackey. There were a lot of books where I’ve forgotten the name and author but would love to re-read or get an audio book for. I just figured out The Golden One trilogy by LucasFilm written by Deborah Chester. Another was The Scorpion Shards by Neil Shusterman. The other ones I’m looking for are definitely odd.

    The first one is in a post-apocalyptic dust bowl society where a young girl and her dog have to find something like the valley from land before time. Also the dog gets eaten :-(

    The second one is similar to a lot of Caroline B Cooney stories/vibes, a teenagers boyfriend turns out to be a murderer and there’s something about a lake and a cold hand coming out of it.

    Any other recommendations are also great! I’m going to have more consistent free time and want to get back into the stuff I loved growing up. Side note, Werehunter is a fantastic anthology by Mercedes Lackey with some wonderful, disturbing, and comforting short stories. Since I feel bad asking for help but not recommending anything. Also Joust, the Diana Tregarde series, and The Heralds of Valdemar.

    1. HBJ*

      If you don’t get help here, I highly recommend the What’s the name of that book??? group on Goodreads. I had semi-significant memory errors about the book I asked about, and it was still identified within a day.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        Reddit book related subreddits could be helpful too! Cast as wide a net as possible!

      2. HBJ*

        Lol, totally misread and thought you were trying to find books you couldn’t remember the title to!

    2. Family Estrangement*

      LOVED Joust and re-read it every few years as a kind of comfort food. Tamora Pierce is another gem from that era, with Wild Magic being my favorite.

      1. Erika22*

        LOVE Tamora Pierce – I reread the Lioness Quartet and the Immortals quartet every few years!

      2. Purt’s Peas*

        I still reread Tamora Pierce—she’s held up for me in a way Lackey hasn’t necessarily. I think Kel’s is probably my favorite of the series.

      3. LimeRoos*

        Joust is the same for me, comfort food and I treat it as a stand alone novel. I will definitely check out Tamora Pierce! Thanks!

      4. cat lady*

        I love Tamora Pierce, too, and still reread both her and Mercedes Lackey every few years!

    3. AcademiaNut*

      I still love Lackey’s earlier stuff, but I find her more recent stuff (last 15 years, say) to be pretty dire. She went from an author where I anticipated new releases to one where I literally can’t finish her books.

      On the recommendation front, for books with good characters, LGBT representation and plots, I can recommend Tanya Huff’s stuff. She writes a mix of classic fantasy (the Quarters books, various short stories), urban fantasy with vampires (Blood Books, Smoke Books), urban fantasy with talking cats (the Keeper Chronicles), steam era fantasy with werewolves (the silvered) and military scifi (the Valor books).

      Elizabeth Moon has great stories and good female characters – try the Deed of Paksenarrion and its sequels/prequels for high fantasy.

      Lois McMaster Bujold for fantastic characters and emotionally satisfying plots. The Vorkosigan is science fiction, with a strong character focus, while the Sharing Knife and Penric/Desdemona books are fantasy.

      T. Kingfisher for fantasy that’s just plain fun – the Clocktaur Wars, the Saint of Steel, various standalone books – plus a couple of creepy horror novels.

      1. Ranon*

        Yes T. Kingfisher! So good. I finished her most recent one (Paladins Strength) and very nearly just started from the beginning again, it was so much fun. She has that romance line that the Valdemar books do, too, except with adults that are much better at adulting.

      2. Nicki Name*

        I also liked Lackey a lot back in the day but then her later books became very meh for me.

        I’ll second Deed of Paksenarrion, and add:

        * Abhorsen series by Garth Nix
        * The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison (and there’s another book set in the same world, The Witness for the Dead, coming in June!)
        * Robin Hobb’s Realms of the Elderlings books

      4. LQ*

        I’m going to throw a strong second for Lois McMaster Bujold. Even her stuff that’s decades old doesn’t feel decades old. Really enjoyable and there are at least within the vorkosigan series, books with lots of different genres: mystery, romance, adventure, battles, which I enjoyed a lot.

      5. LimeRoos*

        Thanks for all the recommendations!! I have quite a list now.

        I’m also more of a fan of her earlier stuff, I haven’t been able to finish a lot of the newer series’ and basically treat the first book as it’s own thing – Joust, The Outstretched Shadow, and The Shadow of the Lion are the last three where I just couldn’t get into the rest of the books but love the first one and the worlds sounded so interesting. I don’t think I’ve kept up with anything after 2006 really.

      1. I take tea*

        I immediately thought of that as well. The dog detail is very memorable. It’s about two siblings that have to find an uncle to live with. I think it starts with them burying the mother.

        1. Love to read CanCon!*

          It does! Also it had a lot of climate change themes in true 1990s style. I read so many Monica Hughes books growing up (the Isis series, Invitation to the Game, The Crystal Drop, etc) because I loved sci-fi from a very young age and the school library emphasized Canadian authors :)

      2. Sp*

        Yes! I was just scanning to see if someone had mentioned it. I found my copy while going through the basement recently – it smelled bad so I had to get rid of it. I’m not sure I’d have the nerve to re-read it these days.

      3. LimeRoos*

        Yes!! Thank you! That is totally it. It was in my teacher’s library in 6th grade so I haven’t seen it in 20 years lol.

    6. AGD*

      TVTropes has a page called You Know That Show… where you can filter by medium (including books) and there’s a commenter there who recently pointed out that Loganberry Books in Ohio has a blog where people post inquiries (there’s a small fee for posts, but they have lots of experts on hand).

    8. Sparkly Librarian*

      The second one could be Christopher Pike’s Monster. The apocalyptic dust bowl books I know are newer (try Rachel Manija Brown’s Stranger series, or maybe Viral Nation by Shaunta Grimes).

    1. Drtheliz*

      Oh, yeah, that book is “reading Watership Down to a six year old” level of downer. I had nightmares when I read it at… 13? Ish, anyway.

  5. Water Anonymous*

    Tap water safety questions!

    Does anyone have any suggestions for a high-quality water filter for tap water? Lately I’ve felt queasy after drinking my tap water and I’m worried about it making me sick. Or sicker.

    When I try to research water filters, every company says theirs is the best and I have no idea who to believe. I don’t mind spending some money for peace of mind.

    And if my tap water is unsafe, does that mean I need to boil it before washing dishes?

    Also, if anyone knows any reliable resources about tap water safety to point me to, that would be helpful too!

    Background info: I live in an apartment in an American city so this is definitely city water, and I’m drinking bottled water until I get a good filter. I’ve never had this problem before.

    1. PollyQ*

      I have no idea how much this would cost, but if it’s affordable, I’d get the water tested to find out exactly what’s wrong with it. In addition to getting info on the best way to to counteract the problem, you’d be doing a good deed if you passed the info along to whoever’s in charge of your local water.

      1. acmx*

        The city should already be testing its water and contacting residents with results.
        I’d check the city’s website for test results.

        1. H2*

          Yeah it’s unlikely that the water is making you sick, at least because of something in it.

          The only way that boiling would really help is if it’s bacterial. How soon after drinking do you feel sick? It would take at least four hours for a bacteria to affect you. A filter would help but no matter what the problem is, you must change the filter religiously or you will build up a microfilm on the filter. As an environmental engineer, I trust tap water in US cities straight way more than most home filters.

          If it’s something else the city would know. US tap water is held to very high standards. (Much more so than bottled water, which is often tap water).

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Yes the city will be testing, but there can also be problems with an individual building — if they have a water tank on the roof that has gotten contaminated for example, or if their pipes are corroding.
          (I am on a well myself, for the first time in my life, and is reminded me to check when I need to do the next well test, so thanks.)

    2. Bob*

      Things work a bit differently in Canada but you might be able to request the test data for your local water.

      Conversely if its unsafe an independent lab should be able to determine why, but that costs money.

      That said some people react to the chlorine residual. Also organics can be safe to drink but aesthetically unpleasing.
      You might try distilled water just to see if it clears things up for you, typically sold in 1 gallon bottles.
      As for filters something like a Brita will remove chlorine and many organics, or you can go with pricey reverse osmosis which removes practically everything but costs more and needs filter changes but is the best of the best for tap water filtration.

      1. pancakes*

        We used a Brita for years and it was fine, but when I knocked the pitcher off the counter and shattered it, I bought a Levoit as a replacement and like it much better. The water passes through the filter quicker because there are two channels vs. one in Brita.

    4. Bob*

      I realized i missed some of your questions.

      Activated carbon removes things that “stick” to it which is a lot of things but not all. Physical filters like reverse osmosis block anything larger than its pores. Water softeners swap magnesium/calcium for salt. UV kills bacteria if there is line of sight (high particulates can “hide” bacteria).
      If your tap water is unsafe then determining why will tell you if its safe for dishes. There are many possible problems with water from bacteria/viruses to heavy metals to organics to particulates to industrial chemicals, pharmaceuticals and more. Boiling only kills bacteria/viruses.
      Oh and make sure your hot water tank is set to at least 60ºC to kill Legionella bacteria.

      All legitimate water filters should have test data available to tell you what they remove, if they don’t then don’t buy it. Few will remove bacteria/viruses so you want this to be ruled out at the water utility. See if anyone else in your building has problems with their water.

    5. Family Estrangement*

      I live somewhere with crummy water (military bases…). We are fine using it for dishes and laundry but for drinking and most recipes, we got a Le Bleu 5 gallon water bottle cooler. They deliver new bottles every month. It’s around $70 a month (we go through 25-30 gallons a month with four adults and a kid). Which isn’t cheap but the peace of mind is nice plus I love not hauling water bottles anymore. Oh, and nice cold water “on tap”.

    6. Me*

      Call your utility. Most of the big ones will test the water for you- coliform and maybe lead/copper. By and large, tap water is very safe in the United States. Granted, you may have a localized plumbing issue in the building but if that were the case other residents in the building would be getting sick too.

      Also, Google up the state name and drinking water (example: Washington drinking water) and see if the state agency has an online, publicly accessible data system about water utilities. Our state does, and I can see the most recent test results for a lot of chemical and bacteriological testing for the water system that provides me water. You may even be able to see the water utilities website and read their most recent consumer confidence report. It’s an annual requirement and they have to detail all the testing they do and explain the results.

      Water utilities are heavily regulated in terms of the testing that has to happen. In the case of city water, it’s usually not the water itself that is making you sick, otherwise the health department would be soon aware of a water borne disease outbreak. If your city was on a boil water notice you would be notified. Boiling your water otherwise is just a waste of fuel/electricity. If you were on a boil water then the local health agency would provide advice for various water use around the home (can usually shower, water garden but not drink/brush teeth/use as rinse for dishes.)

      Many of the pitcher filters are just fine- they’ll take out chlorine but not coliform generally. You have to change them frequently so you don’t end up building up bacteria. Most of permanent installations should have an NSF standard for home filtration systems marked on them. But generally these aren’t necessary for city tap water.

      Testing on your own for coliform would run you under $50 but it’s a pretty sensitive test and easy to get a positive result. City water is probably chlorinated to tamp down on bacterial growth in pipes.

      You could spend thousands on testing but for what- the water system already tests the water and the results should be public.

      All this to say that it’s probably not the water making just you sick and not everyone else in the building.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >You have to change them frequently so you don’t end up building up bacteria.

        Could you quantify “frequently?” Meaning–is this time measured in weeks or months? One of the reasons I quit using a Brita system is that it was too much trouble to track the time to change the filter. (I could put it into my phone calendar but I’m a big believer in keeping my day-to-day business off Big Tech. [No, I’m not otherwise a paranoid conspiracy theory person.]) thank you!

        1. Me*

          Per the manufacturer’s recommendation. Literally that’s the yard stick here since they’ve done the testing to know how long the filters last.

          Personally I wouldn’t bother with a Brita or any other pitcher system, but I think tap water is just fine anyway.

    7. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I just got, but haven’t yet installed, a Waterdrop inline filter for my kitchen sink. The one I got only goes on the cold water line though.

    8. Dwight Schrute*

      So one caveat to the city testing your water that I learned during my MPH program: cities can often decide which neighborhoods they’ll test and which they won’t for their routine tests. They’ll test high income neighborhoods unlikely to have issues and skip over the lower income neighborhoods that may not pass and then say the water quality is fine. They also test by running the water first for a bit flushing out any residue from pipes which most people don’t do when they fill a glass of water. I don’t know if this applies to you or not OP but it’s something to think about

      1. Dwight Schrute*

        Also parts of Flint still don’t have clean water so I wouldn’t be surprised if other parts of the US don’t have clean safe water to drink

        1. pancakes*

          Yep. See Sept. 15, 2020 article in the Guardian titled, “‘We’ve always known ours was contaminated’: the trouble with America’s water.” Lots of links within to other reporting.

    9. Muddlethru*

      I love my berkey! I was on a kick to cut down on plastic use and it’s mostly metal. I live in an area that also has safe water, but I got it during fertility issues and I wanted to clean up my life in every corner possible. Maybe it’s just placebo for me, but it tastes really clean and I just like it.

    10. Jean (just Jean)*

      I mentioned Brita briefly in an earlier comment that must still be in moderation. Here’s a bit more detail. TLDR: I run hot and cold (sorry!) about Brita. Dithering to follow. :-)

      The Brita filters are type 5 plastic and Whole Foods seemingly has discontinued its publicly-accessible bins for collecting #5 plastic to recycle. Our water isn’t exactly unsafe, just gross-tasting when the chlorine is too prominent, and I resent having to spend time, money, and mental energy to make something perfect when most of the time it’s “good enough.” I recently discovered that the plastic parts of the Brita pitcher did NOT melt in the dishwasher…but the largest component, the water-holding part, is too tall for the dishwasher; this means that I have to wash it by hand which makes it a “special project” which is NOT in my game plan as an already over-extended caregiving spouse + parent + worker-from-home, etc., etc.

      Muddlethru commented about a berkey system. I’ve never heard of that company/product but I’m intrigued. Will go to Google.

        1. Sola Lingua Bona Lingua Mortua Est*

          Chlorine will dissipate in an open container. Low tech solution.

          We had African Clawed Frogs as pets for a while growing up. They’re very sensitive to chlorine, but after 3 or 4 days in an open pitcher, tap water didn’t bother them at all.

        2. Paralegal Part Deux*

          A lot of municipalities have moved from chlorine to chlorimine which does not dissipate and is cheaper to use/doesn’t require as much to use.

    13. Wishing You Well*

      I used to have a pitcher filter but it was inconvenient. I now use a Pur faucet filter and I’m very pleased with it. I can toggle between filtered drinking water and unfiltered water which saves money on the replaceable filters. I had my water tested myself when I moved in. The lab was surprised at how much bacteria was in it. They assumed I had well water, not big city water. The lab also said the water would be undrinkable before it would fail the city’s standards!
      It’s possible your water is making you sick. I strongly suggest getting some kind of filter ASAP. And do your OWN testing. The city water might be fine but something might be wrong with your apartment building’s water lines: cracked pipe, root infiltration, leaking sewer line, etc.
      Please stay well.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You have to get the water tested from your tap. Because the water coming into the building could be just fine (and thus city tests are good), but the problem could be in the building pipes. And once you know what’s in the water, you can target accordingly.

    15. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      My hubs went into research mode (which generally lasts a good 2 months) when we find ally decided to get a filtration system. We have crazy hard water and the taste is bike, so we’ve always had bottled water. He set up a pump that went into 2 five gallon bottles and that went to the fridge. But we got tired of hefting those bottles, so Research Mode Commenced! Haha!
      Anyway, he finally decided on the
      iSpring RCC7AK-UV, NSF Certified, 75GPD 7-Stage Under Sink Reverse Osmosis RO Drinking Water Filtration System with Alkaline Remineralization Filter and UV Ultraviolet Filter.
      We got it off amazon, and I copied the above from our order.
      We all love it! The water is good and it is so easy. A++, would buy again! :-)

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        Those reverse osmosis setups are the bees knees. My current office building has one and the water is Fiji-like.

    16. Chaordic One*

      I’m sure that “Consumer Reports” magazine did some testing on these a while back. Many public libraries carry the magazine and have the back issues (if your public library is open to the public), so you might be able to check there. And you could always get an online subscription to the magazine.

    17. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      If this is a new problem, it might be a sign of an infection or other medical thing, so consult your doctor. If you’re worried about the tap water, do as many dishes as possible in a dishwasher, and use the “sterilize” cycle.

      As other people have said, it’s worth identifying the problem before buying a filter.

    18. Skeeder Jones*

      You also can contact your water district for a report on the water. They are required to keep those kinds of records. But even when water is “safe”, it doesn’t always taste the same. I worked in a fairly large water district and their water had a great taste and while at work, I never had a problem drinking tap water. The water where I live, though safe, has a weird taste and I only drink bottled water at home.

    19. She comments now and then but mostly lurks*

      I like our Zero Water filter pitcher. It comes with a little tester that you can use to test your tap water (to see how many parts per million are in there currently) or filtered water (so you know when to replace the filter).

      1. MissCoco*

        I like our zero water a lot, my partner chose it since it has some ability to remove lead.

        Be aware that if you have lots of “stuff” in you water, you’ll go through a lot of filters. We use about 1 every month to 6 weeks, but we drink a lot of water, and our tap water has a lot of dissolved solids.

        Unlike other brands, it’s not just a remember to change it thing, because the “ion exchanger” actually contains acidic and basic ions which can then bind to whatever ions are in your water. It works great, but we find that we get an unpleasant taste once the ion exchange is used up, and before their little probe reads as having any dissolved solids (presumably we’re tasting dissolved aqueous ions that are not solids – I haven’t actually looked into what a TDS tester is measuring).

  6. Laura H.*

    Little Joys Thread.

    What brought you joy this week?

    A few days ago I helped stuff Easter bags for little ones as a drive thru thing this weekend in lieu of a usual egg hunt put on by a church group in my parish (the drive up complies with COVID-reasonable practices- plus last year nothing happened so).

    Please share your joys and I hope your Passover and Easter are lovely if you observe those days.

    1. Family Estrangement*

      Frozen mango mochi from the store. Each box comes with six and I space them out over the week as a little treat when I need a pick me up. Makes me happy every time.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I wrote a post for a health & fitness page and they published it this morning. (I’m slightly annoyed they removed all the paragraph breaks and did a little editing, but whatever.)

      I finally found a rack for my wall balls and finally have my gym equipment organized. (Thank you to the person last weekend who recommended a rack at the Container Store website!)

      1. nep*

        How great getting your piece published! Congratulations.
        (Removed all the paragraph breaks? Ugh.)
        Keep up the great work.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Thanks! Yeah, I don’t know why they did that. My trainer, who is part of that company now, said they were having issues with the tech people and replaced them all. Maybe the person who posted it wasn’t paying attention. Honestly, I’m more annoyed about the edits they made, because it doesn’t flow quite the same way it did originally. Oh well, at least it’s there!

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Sure. :) I posted the original on my blog. I’ll post a link to it so I don’t clog up this page. Plus it has my before and after pics in it.

              2. NoLongerYoung*

                What a great blog and inspiring pictures. (I’m a WLS person too, 2002…). Congratulations – I haven’t had the back issues but I am in awe of your upper body strength and workout currently. Thank you for sharing.

    3. Hotdog not dog*

      My friend got a new puppy and she is adorable! My old man dog is smitten, and was a perfect gentleman when we took the dogs for a socially distanced walk together. We were a little concerned that he might overwhelm her, as he’s a big guy and she’s a little puff, but he let her call all the shots. Yay for new friends, cute puppies, and afternoon walks!

    4. Laura Petrie*

      Quite a few things for me!

      My guinea pig sow and neutered boar have been living together for a week and are getting on pretty well. There is a bit of rumbling but otherwise they’re settling down well.

      I’m on my university Easter break and my husband has two weeks off work. We’re planning to turn our box room into a home office and I’m excited. We’ve decided on paint, now we just need to pick new flooring and find a desk we agree on.

      My second dose of the Pfizer vaccine is tomorrow. I’m a student in a health-related field so qualified through that. Otherwise I’d have been waiting ages for my age group to be called.

      Finally, in view of our time off together, I’ve ordered some nice beers from a local brewery and we’re going to have a nice chilled weekend with no Sunday night back to work blues.

    5. Potatoes gonna potate*

      The little Easter bags sounds adorable.

      I don’t have a lot to share unfortunately — it’s been crap storm after another all week. Something I have been desperately wishing for over the last year actually came true this week should have been a joy but even that was marred by reality. One thing that did make me feel happy was that someone posted an issue about an employee in one of the professional groups I am in. I channeled what I learned here and provided some advice. A lot of people “liked” it and said it was good advice. Made me feel happy to know I gave good advice.

    6. North European*

      I am learning a little Japanese every day with Duolingo.
      I have set the bar as low as possible (5 min per day) and I have no ambitious goals, I will probably never speak or write Japanese. Dreaming of a trip to Japan just helps me to cope with my anxiety right now. Concentrating helps me escaping the reality. I have been twice to Tokyo and I absolutely loved it. Also, I have always wanted to learn a language which does not belong to the Indo-European language family (I know 8 European languages and as you know, they resemble each other quite a lot).

      1. North European*

        I want to add something! I sowed easter grass last week (tradition in my country). It gave so much joy to watch them sprout and grow taller by the day. What a small miracle!

    7. Decidedly Me*

      Big joy for me! I was finally able to reconnect with an estranged family member! I’ve been trying to do this forever, but she was hard to track down. I found a way to send her a message and she reached back out. It’s been like no time has passed (minus all the news to share, lol).

    8. Paralegal Part Deux*

      I’m a nerd and always have been and have also been a huge fan of the movie “Tombstone” with Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer. Val Kilmer owns an art studio in Los Angeles now, and he posted on Instagram about an art opening at his studio for his Doc Holliday collection and that the featured artist was selling 100 prints that would be signed by the artist and by Mr. Kilmer. I managed to snag one and have been thrilled ever since. It’s not a huge thing but made my day.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Oh fun! Val Kilmer’s autobiography is called “I’m Your Huckleberry” and is a fun read. :)

        1. Paralegal Part Deux*

          It was such a great read, and I went through it in no time. I loved reading about his experiences on the various movies he made (especially “Tombstone”). He’s a very interesting person for sure and has always been one of my favorite actors (despite his reputation as a difficult actor to work with). When I snagged the print, I was absolutely beside myself.

    9. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      Sitting outdoors in the sunlight, on a wooden park bench, for twenty minutes this morning. (I was absurdly early for an appointment.)

    10. Filosofickle*

      So much joy this week!
      1) My sweetie and I took the day off yesterday and went to Golden Gate Park. We rented a little boat, saw all sorts of fantastic wildlife up close, and just enjoyed an insanely beautiful day in the city. It’s the happiest and freest I’ve felt in a long time.
      2) Through a vaccine hunting group, I learned my health provider had silently expanded eligibility based on BMI and armed with that info I called this morning and booked an appointment for Monday! It conflicts with a work thing but sorry not sorry. My partner can handle it.

      1. Filosofickle*

        3) I made a batch of buttermilk biscuits, yum! And I’m about to make a sandwich with one of those and a leftover piece of fried chicken :D

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Finally warm enough to sit outside comfortably, with book, with knitting, or just feeling the breeze. I’m outside now–the redtail hawk is back. Daffodils are coming up. Spring really helps my mood.

    12. Quiet Liberal*

      I have just come in from working in my flowerbeds. I’m pooped, but it was so nice to be working outside in some sun. It has been a long winter. I discovered quite a few daffodils and tulips that are peeking up when I removed the last of the Fall leaves. Spring is finally here and hopefully, the nightmare that has been the last year is behind us. I guess my good news is I’m thinking positive today.

    13. NoLongerYoung*

      I unearthed and shredded a box of 2012 tax backup. Declutter continues, at a slow, tortoise like pace now.

      Lots of unfortunate memories (those of you who remember my difficult marriage…) but the empty, very nice big plastic file tote with rails is ready for re-use. And one more box gone gives me joy!

    15. Voluptuousfire*

      Got my first COVID vaccine dose on Wednesday. I also got a massage Tuesday and I feel much, much better.

      I also ventured to Old Navy for the first time since Feb 2020 to return some stuff. It was great but crowded! Luckily I found what I needed and got out. I miss walking around the local mall to get a change of scenery and going through the clearance sections at JC Penney and Old Navy. I’ve found some great deals for pennies. (No pun intended.)

      I also finally bought a bottle of Seaglass Riesling and it’s fantastic. Not a huge drinker anymore but I enjoy a nice glass of wine on occasion and this was great. I saw it whenever I would go to the liquor store but never bought it. This is my new go to.

    16. The Other Dawn*

      My husband and I got our first vaccine dose on Wednesday! My employer arranged for a vaccination clinic. One of our Board members is part of a local hospital, so they partner with us for various wellness events. It was Pfizer and I’m happy to report we had only a sore arm for a couple days. The next dose is April 14. There’s finally some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

  7. tangerineRose*

    I’m the kind of person who re-reads books that I like (usually fiction books), and I know some people who don’t re-read books but do like to read. I’m curious about this. If you don’t re-read books, would you tell me more about why?

    I don’t usually re-read a book right away, but depending on how much I like it, I might re-read it a few months (if the book’s amazing) or a few years later. Even when I know what’s going to happen, I enjoy reading it and virtually hanging out with the characters, sometimes catching nuances and foreshadowing I missed the first time.

    1. Teatime is Goodtime*

      Hmm, I seem to reread almost exclusively by author. A select few I will and most I don’t.

    2. Family Estrangement*

      Sometimes a book is great but the plot is so emotional or heavy that I can’t bear to watch the characters I love suffer again. Ex. Pillars of the Earth.

      On the flip side, I will re-read a happy ending again and again and again as a bit of escapism from the real world.

    3. Juniper*

      I almost never reread books (The Remains of the Day is a current exception because it’s just so dang beautiful) and it basically comes down to opportunity cost. There are so, so many great books out there, and I want to read as many of them as possible in my short time here. The value I derive from reading the same book a second time is almost never greater than the joy I get from meeting new characters, having my world opened up in unexpected ways, or simply learning more about the way the world works.

    4. Retail Not Retail*

      I want to reread more but I’m too weak and place more and more holds at the libraries. (Plural, yes, multiple physical and digital.)

      That said, I finished some books this year and immediately wanted to reread them or forget everything so I could experience them again. The Luminaries and Enter the Aardvark are amazing!

    5. Helvetica*

      I don’t really re-read books although I would re-watch movies and TV shows. Never thought of why until your question but I think if it’s books I loved, I’m afraid of losing the feeling I had when I first read it and maybe being disappointed that it’s not as good as I remember. I just want to preserve the moment. And sometimes, the emotion they evoked was just too powerful. The exception is poetry which is highly re-readable and should be re-read.

      There is one book I do re-read like once a year, which I would dare call my favourite book ever and that’s Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s “One hundred years of solitude”. For some reason, it lends itself well to a re-read and I always manage to capture the feeling of magic and awe that I did the first time reading it.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        That scene where flowers rain down from the trees. It’s been years since I read the book but that image is still so strong in my mind.

        1. Helvetica*

          Agreed! Also, when Remedios ascends to heaven and also the yellow butterflies…it is a gorgeous book. The final lines of the book itself always fill me with such sorrow and yearning and just too many feelings to be able to articulate.
          Time for this year’s re-read, I think…

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t reread too much because my to-read list is so long, but there are a few specific books, long-term favorites, that I reread every few years. On certain favorite series still in progress, I read each new book as it’s released, but reread the whole series to date in advance of about every third new book, as a refresher on what has gone before and because some particular authors are really good at popping in little things that I don’t remember at the time and later turn out to be less little. (Seanan McGuire, I am looking at you, you wonderful wonderful woman.)

    7. Loopy*

      I don’t re-read books mostly because there are always so many new and exciting books I want to read for the first time- I just don’t feel the need to revisit older ones. Even my most favorite books! My reading time is limited though, so re-reading often means ignoring another book I want to read.

      I also realized this tendency and started using the library more to save money, so often I don’t own a book and it’s more effort to check it out and pick it up for a re-read. And if i own a book that I love, I often give to a friend I know will love it as much as I did (gifting the House on the Cerulean Sea was one of the best gifts I’ve ever given a friend).

      I will caveat this by saying for the first time literally ever in my life, I AM re-reading a book (maybe two!) and it is because two books I thought were going to be stand-alone forever and read in 2013/2014 are getting very unexpected sequels. I loved the first ones so so so much, I am committed to re-reading them for maximum enjoyment of the sequels. For the record, the books are The Goblin Emperor and the Golem and the Jinni. Both amazing books but my memories are far too fuzzy after 6+ years to tackle sequels without a re-read.

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve never reread a book. Once I’ve read a book, it’s not new to me anymore. I really like the newness of reading a book for the first time, which I wouldn’t get with a reread. Doesn’t matter how much I loved the book. And this is also why I try to borrow electronically from the library. But if the library doesn’t have it, or the waitlist is extremely long, I buy the Amazon Kindle version.

    9. Buni*

      One thing to come out of lockdown is my local libraries being basically closed. I used to take out 2-3 books a week, but for the past year I’ve had to turn back to my own (600+) collection.

      Turns out I have some good books! I kinda knew that – obviously I’m the one who bought them – but it’s been nice to rediscover some I hadn’t read in almost 15 years.

    10. Hotdog not dog*

      I love to re read, it’s like visiting old friends! Plus, depending on external circumstances I often pick up different nuances that might have slipped by on a previous read. But then again, I am also one of those people who reads the last chapter first. (No, it doesn’t spoil it, I love seeing how the author gets there!)

      1. Queer Earthling*

        I’m also a re-reader. I grew up pretty broke so any books I had, I had to get my money’s worth and basically read them to tatters; more importantly, I’m a neurodivergent and extremely anxious human, so rereading a book and knowing roughly how it’s going to go is VERY comforting. Things have been so tense that I actually have had trouble picking up new books over the last few years.

        I also tend to not really read for plot so having it “spoiled” isn’t a huge issue for me. I read for character interaction, dialogue and language usage, etc.

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          You know, I never gave it much thought before, but knowing what’s coming in a book is VERY comforting to me. Reading lets me escape to a world where things are very much defined, unlike the actual world. The more stressed I am, the more likely I will choose an old favorite over a new book.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Yeah, knowing what’s coming in a book is comforting to me, too. That might be part of why I like re-reading.

        2. OtterB*

          I was just telling a Twitter friend the other day that a series I was rereading (from almost 20 years ago) was in some ways more enjoyable this time through. I didn’t remember the details of the plot, but I remembered the general shape, so I didn’t have the anxiety about whether the characters I liked were going to come out okay.

        3. LQ*

          The comfort thing is something I’ve found a lot but I don’t like to re-read because it seems different than my memory for me. (though I re-watch things until the end of time) So I read things that have the same tone and pacing and style and plot. It’s very comforting. I’ve set down a few books because I could tell they were getting too interesting for me. Any review that says that the reader was surprised or enjoyed because it wasn’t like other books is a big ole NOPE for me right now.

        4. allathian*

          Yeah, me too. I’m not neurodivergent, but I’ve certainly noticed that I prefer reading old favorites when I’m stressed because they’re comforting. When I’m less stressed I enjoy reading new books more.

          In 2020 I read perhaps 50 or so books, maybe 2 of those were new to me. I have a few favorite authors whose new books I’ll always pick up and read no matter how stressed I am, but I’m very unlikely to start reading books by an author whose works I’ve never read before when I’m stressed.

          I also tend to read for character interaction, dialogue, language usage, and world-building rather than plot.

    12. matcha123*

      I think you are combining two things, if I like to read, and I read a book that I think is only okay, I won’t re-read it.

      When I was younger I would basically buy books (Babysitters Club, etc.) read them once and then leave them on the shelf. I liked buying them/getting something new. I liked reading them. But the content wasn’t so intriguing that I’d want to read them again.
      Now, I have a small handful of books, mostly non-fiction, that I would be fine to re-read. My reasoning is the same as your last sentence.

    13. Meh*

      I’ve re read books on accident and I’m “guessing” everything that’s going to occur until it hits me that I’m not psychic but I’ve read it before. I don’t do it as a rule – it’s not as fun of a journey as it is the first time

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That’s happened to me a lot. If I got it as a digital loan from the library, no big deal. But several times I’ve read it through the library, or bought it in hardcopy, and then years later bought it off Amazon because I forgot I read it. I finally started a Goodreads account so I can keep track of what I read.

    14. Laura Petrie*

      We are decluttering at the moment and I’ve had to get past the ‘one day I might read it again’ mindset. I’ve kept some books I’ve already read multiple times and know I’ll look at again. The rest will go to the charity shop once they reopen or a book box someone in my community has set up.

      Personally, I generally don’t enjoy reading stuff if I know the plot and outcome. I have so many books on my real and kindle ‘to read’ pile I’d never get through them if I added in stuff I’ve already completed.

      I’m like this with films and tv too. There are a select few I’ll rewatch, otherwise I’m not interested

    15. Blendaboo47*

      I don’t reread. I also don’t tend to rewatch stuff. I have reread a few books, but those tend to be ones where I want to recapture the comfort I had reading them the first time, and not because I want to re-experience the plot. Otherwise, I remember what happened, why bother retreading. I guess I could ask… why DO you reread?

    16. Decidedly Me*

      I’ll sometimes reread books. When a new book in a series comes out, I’ll reread all the books before it, even if it was recent. I now tend not to start an unfinished series, though.

      I haven’t reread a book outside of the above scenario in awhile, though I did much more when I was younger. Whenever I do, I like several years to have passed so certain parts are still surprising.

      The reason for not rereading more is because there are so many new things I want to read and for every reread, that’s one less new read I can tackle.

    17. allathian*

      I think novelty for its own sake is overrated. Rereading old favorites is like visiting with a long-lost friend. I also like catching nuances and foreshadowing I missed when reading the first time. The same thing applies to favorite movies and TV-shows. There’s no way I’ll get to read or watch it all, so I don’t mid rereading or rewatching.

      Some old favorites include books from my childhood, like the Moomin stories. I have fond memories of my dad reading them as a bedtime story when I was about 10, when the language was more advanced than my reading skills could handle. I read them in my late teens, in my late 20s and in my mid-40s when I read them aloud to our son. I discover new layers to the stories every time I read them as I’ve matured.

      Some Anne McCaffrey books I enjoy rereading, although I’m no longer the fan I was in my teens and early 20s, but they’re great comfort reading. I also enjoy reading mystery books again, because although I enjoy discovering who did it as I read, catching the foreshadowing is fun as well. That’s why I can read Christie’s books, especially the Poirot mysteries, until they fall apart.

      1. Chilipepper*

        I’m like allathian, I re read for all those reasons. And I like to read old favorites that suit my mood or state of being. Its healing in a way. And I would stay up all night with a new book so I only re read to help me fall asleep.

    18. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I re-read books that I like enough. If I don’t like the book enough, then I don’t reread it. Example: Mercedes Lackey, her Valdemar books. I have all of them, and I just reread almost all of them. Exception being the White Gryphon series and the Oathbound/Oathbreaker books. I don’t feel the need to reread those ones for whatever reason. I know people who never reread anything. Whatever works for you.

    19. lemon meringue*

      I also like to re-read so I’m not the target audience, but I do often feel kind of bad about re-reading when my to-be-read pile is as big as it is. I think re-reading is a different reading experience, so for a book that I really like, I do try to read at least twice. But at the same time, there are so many books I haven’t had a chance to read even once. Book problems.

    20. Sweet Sunny*

      I am a fast reader and often miss details when I read. Also, if things get tense I get anxious and will skip ahead to get past the scary/tense/uncomfortable part. If I finish a book and I really enjoyed it a lot I can actually read it again and get tons more out of it than I did the first time. (Now that I know the outcome I can slow down and really read the scary parts.) And if I wait a year or more to reread a book I often find it’s like reading it for the first time – I really don’t remember a lot from the first time around.

      1. allathian*

        I’m the same way, a very fast reader, even when I don’t skip any parts. When Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out, I was on vacation and read it through the night, 1,000 or so pages in about 8 hours and I didn’t skip anything.

    21. OtterB*

      I re-read often, but it’s been interesting thinking about why as I read this thread. Most of the things I reread are because I like the characters and like to hang out with them. Usually but not always a series. Often I see nuance or foreshadowing in the reread that I missed the first time through. Some are comfort reads, that invoke a feeling of a place or lifestyle or relationship I would like. Other books, once I know what happened I’m not invested enough to reread. And, as someone said above, there are a handful of books that I loved, that I have kept on my shelf through multiple moves, that I doubt I will ever reread because they were so intense.

    22. Chaordic One*

      I guess it all depends. As an adult I reread a lot of the books I had read as a teen and in my early 20s when I was in college. Many of the works of “great literature” were complex and when reading them the second time I got a lot more out of them and appreciated the humor that I had missed the first time around. OTOH, there were books that didn’t hold up very well and when I reread them a second time I became aware of holes in the plots and writing that revealed various prejudices and stereotypes and just plain bad writing sometimes. And sometimes there were books that were technically well written and the words flowed beautifully, but again, the prejudices and stereotypes of the writer kind of ruined them for me.

    23. Elizabeth West*

      What I don’t re-read: Anything I didn’t really like or was meh about (life’s too short). This has included bestsellers everyone else went gaga over. Generally, if I really like a book, it never leaves my library and I will re-read it to tatters. If it’s a library book, I will buy my own copy to keep and re-read.

      I did end up donating a butt-ton of books I hadn’t read in ages to the library for their book sales before I moved, just to cut down. Now I’m kinda regretting some of that, but I’m sure I’ll feel better about it once I don’t have to unpack them.

    24. LQ*

      I don’t reread much if at all. Honestly part of it is that the world in my mind is different from the book and I don’t feel a huge amount of pressure to maintain the “author’s vision” once it’s moved into my head. If the world and characters have moved in to set up shop in my head then I want them to live that going forward and not feel like I need to continue to reanchor them back to what it literally said. If they don’t move in and set up shop in my head then they were just fun experience and I’m ready to move onto the next one.

      I think that it’s easy for me to end up falling in love with my version of what happened and then go back and re-read and realize that it’s not how it was and am then very disappointed. This is also why I find myself leaving authors if I am away from them for a while. My memory of something can shift and alter around enough to think that something that was never in the books was in them and then when you go back and see it’s not it’s a disappointment. Or thinking that an author or a series was really great and had these attributes and then you come back later and either you’ve changed (your memory or your self) or the author has. And it’s almost always me.

      I want to love the things I’ve loved but I find it’s easier to do that if I don’t necessarily hold them as the literal thing.

      That said, I’m not at all bothered by spoilers or anything else, so it’s not about surprise or new. And for a new favorite series I’ll find myself going to the wikipedia for it like 2 books in so that I can get the layout of the story and then diving through and consuming all the books. I’m real weird!

    25. Person from the Resume*

      I have reread some books, but I generally don’t. I have a massive to read pile. I want to read more new books than I have time for. Why do you reread?

      I will say I like plot focused books so maybe that’s a factor?

      I guess I just reread a book. Around 1998 I read Joan Slonczewski’s The Children’s Star in a magazine. That put the author on my radar but it took me until now to read the first two books in the Elysian Cyle, reread The Children’s Star, and read the final book in the cycle. I had only the vaguest memory of the story, but I did remember really liking it. I didn’t really think of it as a reread since it was mostly a surprise to me.

    26. GoryDetails*

      I’m an avid reader in general, and a frequent re-reader of favorite books – though I’ve found that my “keeper/re-read” shelves have been shrinking as the decades pass. Some of my must-keep-in-case-I-want-to-re-read-it titles have lost my interest over time, and others are in the so-so category so I let them go in the confidence that if I ever *do* want to re-read them I can easily find copies somewhere. But the must-keep books are still there, the ones I may want to pick up in the middle of the night if I’m sleepless, or during a snowstorm if I want some comfort, or just because it’s been a while: Jane Austen’s books, Tolkien’s Hobbit/Rings books, M. R. James and E. F. Benson ghost stories, Zenna Henderson fantasy/SF stories (those are keepers in part because they’re getting VERY hard to find – why won’t somebody reprint The Anything Box or Holding Wonder?), Sayers’ “Lord Peter” books…

      I also sometimes “re-read” via audiobook, as I like to listen to audiobooks while driving, and if the book’s new to me I may find myself frustrated at missing key bits when I have to focus on navigation. If I’m listening to a book I’ve already read, I’m not as worried about missing bits here and there – and often the audio version provides a different look at a familiar story.

      1. SarahKay*

        If you read ebooks then you can buy “Believing: The Other Stories of Zenna Henderson” which contains all her short stories that aren’t about The People. It includes the contents of The Anything Box and Holding Wonder, plus five other stories and three poems.
        I have (very battered) second-hand copies of The Anything Box and Holding Wonder but was delighted to find the ebook available too. (There is also an ebook with her collected The People stories).

  8. tangerineRose*

    Hank and Wallace look so cute together! Looks like something got their attention, and Hank is going to watch it while being quite relaxed.

  9. Might Be Spam*

    I need to get a mouth guard because I am clenching and grinding my teeth. My dentist wants me to spend $500, but that is too much for me to spend on something that I may not be comfortable using. I tried a child-size sports mouth guard, but it is too thick and uncomfortable. I have a small jaw and I need suggestions on something more affordable. Do you have any products or brands that work for you?

      1. Liz B*

        Seconding the Sisu! Most people wear them for roller derby. They’re moldable to your teeth and are super lightweight.

    2. V*

      Hah, are you me? I had the same recommendation from my dentist this week and there’s no way I’m spending that amount on things that many people struggle with getting comfortable with. I bought a cheap pack on Amazon (like 4 for $15) and using them as-is makes me gag, so I am currently working through them cutting them down / trimming them so they don’t stick so far back.

    3. Might Be Spam*

      The custom mouth guard from the dentist only covers the teeth and doesn’t touch the gums. I gag easily, and need something that won’t press on my gums and fits tightly enough so I don’t swallow it. I’m not sure if it’s a reasonable fear, but I worry about swallowing it and choking.

    4. Yep Torii*

      I also require a small and flexible night-time guard because I have torii, and I have had very good luck with the Plackers “Grind No More” guards, available for very little money at most every drug store.

      1. Yep Tori*

        Looks like I misspelled “torii.” It’s “tori,” which is the plural form of “torus,” as in “torus mandibularus.”
        Sorry!

      2. ThatGirl*

        I use the Plackers little ones. They’re supposed to only be for 3-4 nights but I wear them for weeks till they wear out.

    5. Bea*

      Plackers! I order from Amazon. You can buy 10 or 16 in a box. The box says use 3x then toss, but I usually wear 5x. Very comfortable.

    6. Flabbernabbit*

      I bought the custom guard from the dentist. Complete waste of money for me. It was uncomfortable and I couldn’t bear it in my mouth. It did motivate me to examine exactly what I was doing and use that to teach myself to not to clench and grind my teeth in sleep. A game changer. So I use nothing.

      1. Janet Pinkerton*

        For what it’s worth, as a counterpoint to this, I bought the custom guard from my dentist and I’ve found it helpful. Not too uncomfortable—it’s pretty unobtrusive in my mouth. And my teeth aren’t literally grinding down! I’d recommend it, generally. (Not for you, Flabbernabbit, just wanted to share a positive experience.)

        1. Blue Eagle*

          Want to second Janet’s experience. I got a biteguard for my top teeth through my dentist almost 20 years ago and am still using it ($500/20 years = $25/year). I wear it every night to sleep and have no discomfort. And my jaw no longer hurts in the morning and my headaches went away.
          Hope you are able to find something that works for you.

        2. Belle*

          Same experience. I bought one and it has dramatically improved my sleep, teeth and reduced headaches. Mine was about $500 bit has lasted over 5 years and is still in great shape. Plus my dentist can adjust it as needed. Life saver.

        3. Wishing You Well*

          OP: PLEASE get a tooth guard from wherever and wear it every night to prevent bigger, chronic problems in the future.
          I’m with Janet: My custom, dentist-made tooth guard was $300-$400. You could shop around for prices. My guard is preventing tooth, nerve and jaw damage. The dentist will adjust it if you have problems. If you think a tooth guard is expensive, you’ll be shocked at how much untreated bruxism costs (and hurts)!
          Best Wishes for a good outcome!

        4. LDF*

          Same here, I’ve had a few custom ones from the dentist and it’s a game changer. I mean, it’s been so long since I haven’t used one that I can’t compare physical symptoms, but holy hell, those nightguards get ground to hell so I’m so glad it’s not my teeth. My newest ones is loads thinner than my first one. If someone has had a bad one at one point it could be worth trying again.

      2. Flabbernabbit*

        Good to have counterpoints. The goal for me was the same as others, I think. Better sleep, reduce blinding headaches, sore jaws and grinding teeth down. I had the “luxury” of understanding what I was doing because I was doing it while awake also, whenever I used a regulator scuba diving. I’d surface with horrible headaches and jaw pain from biting down on my regulator unnecessarily hard. Finally linked it to the sleep thing, and developed exercises and massage with a practitioner, practiced jaw placement, recognized anxiety related causes, and applied them all to great effect, which improved more than just sleep.

        I was spending a lot on massage alone for this, so if you are doing that too, losing productivity at work, then a $500 mouth guard doesn’t seem so terrible an investment when you think about it.

      3. Lobsterp0t*

        I’ve had two types. One was a hard one for the top teeth and the other was a soft one for the bottom.

        Hard one was comfier but lasted less time.

        Soft one lasts about 18 months to two years for me. And I think I push it – I threw my last one out because I could see light through the holes I ground through it.

    7. No Tribble At All*

      I also have a custom guard from the dentist. Mine only goes over the bottom teeth and is acrylic. I don’t love it, but I do love not having my jaw hurt in the mornings. I know some of the grinding is hereditary so I can’t de-stress myself out of it.

      That said, getting the impressions done was very unpleasant and I legit lost my lunch. I also have a strong gag reflex but the custom night guard is thin enough it generally doesn’t bother me.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        Huh, mine only goes over the top teeth. I wonder if it’s based on which teeth are more damaged by grinding…

        1. No Tribble At All*

          I think it was because I told them upfront I have such a strong gag reflex, so they figured something touching only the teeth (sorta U-shaped) would be better than something that touched the entire roof of my mouth. They said it didn’t matter which teeth it went on as long as there was a barrier between them.

          1. KoiFeeder*

            Ah, that makes sense. My gag reflex is more psychological than mechanical, so that’s not a concern with me, but I can’t watch that one pocket spaghetti vine without losing my lunch.

          2. Chilipepper*

            I have one from the dentist. It is only fornthe top teeth and is u shaped, ot does not cover the roof of my mouth.

            I tried a few over the counter versions while I waited for the custom one to be made and come in. They were all awful and waaaay less comfortable than the custom one.

            1. Janet Pinkerton*

              Same here—it is u-shaped over the top teeth. (And as a bonus it works as a retainer if you, like me, never wore that!)

    8. Peacemaker*

      After spending the $500.00 on a mouth guard from the dentist (and using it long after I should have replaced it!), I started using mouth guards from the Clear Club. It’s a subscription service where you can choose how often you want to replace your mouth guard. For me, they are less than a tenth the cost of the one from the dentist. As a result, I feel OK about replacing it when it gets ugly, about every 9-12 months. They have been very good about sending me the self-fitting kits until I thought it fit correctly. It took me a couple of tries, and then one more after the first mouth guard I used for six months. My dentist bugs me about buying his mouth guard every now and then, but I just tell him I have it covered.

    9. Jen*

      I got a custom night guard and no matter what I tried it made me gag (the dentist tried altering it too). So I might try some cheaper ones first just to see how you react to them.

    10. Texan In Exile*

      My bonus daughter got a custom bite guard on amazon for only $100 or so. If I can find the information, I will add it here.

      1. Texan In Exile*

        Here it is! I am going to order one, I think – my dentist wants to charge $300.

    11. ten four*

      I’ve been using my custom guard for years and it’s a lifesaver. BUT! Definitely try out some over the counter ones first. I found that the sports guards aren’t great for sleep because they are just gigantic, but there are a bunch on the market specifically to sleep with. I’ve used Plackers, Dentek and Oral-B brands with pretty good success.

      I have found that with the Plackers the insides of my cheeks get a little rubbed and uncomfortable after a while. I’ve never had any issues like that with my custom guard. So if you find your jaws hurting less after trying some of the over the counter versions but they are uncomfortable in other ways you might give the custom type a shot.

    12. Girasol*

      Is the grinding bothering you or did your dentist notice the problem? I had a dentist tell me I had a grinding problem. He fitted me with a spendy mouth guard (well, not exactly “fitted,” because it didn’t). Then he insisted that a mouth guard wasn’t helping enough and I also needed braces to fight the teeth grinding plus several fillings replaced too, at a cost of upwards of $14,000. I threw out the useless mouth guard and switched dentists. For the last ten-plus years I haven’t needed any treatment for teeth grinding or anything else but regular cleaning. If teeth grinding isn’t bothering you, a second opinion might be in order.

      1. Disguised as me*

        I didn’t notice any grinding but my dentist said it was very apparent. I went through the uncomfortable fitting process and can’t stand my custom mouth guard. Now he wants me to get braces too. I’m going the second opinion in route if he brings it up again.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Yeah that’s suspicious. For me it’s apparent I’ve been grinding because the tips of my canines are worn down, and my spouse told me he could hear me doing it. But this dentist seems…. overly enthusiastic.

          1. ThatGirl*

            My teeth are noticeably worn down on one side, I always wondered why no dentist had previously pointed it out and suggested a night guard.

      2. Chilipepper*

        I don’t grind, but I do clench and the dentist said it was leading to some problems but I never noticed so I was skeptical. But after an adjustment to the custom guard, I now find I really notice the clenching and am sore in the morning if I forget it.

    13. Rara Avis*

      I have a custom dentist-fitted guard I’ve used for years. Not uncomfortable at all, and it helps remind me to relax my jaw and stop grinding. It actually is a reassuring feeling, like a weighted blanket. (But I also get a sense of comfort from fastening my seatbelt and tying on a mask.)

    14. PostalMixup*

      I bought a Dentek Ultimate from target. It sits on my top molars and has a thin band across the roof of my mouth. There’s nothing on my front teeth, which I was looking for specifically. I also have a small mouth, and it fits well.

    15. I don’t post often*

      Get the one from the dentist – you will be glad you did. AND you will not grind through it as quickly. I spent two years trying to avoid the one from the dentist and now I’m hoping acing other problems related to grinding. (Sidebar, I grind my teeth all the time, not just sleeping).

      1. Figgie*

        My spouse refused to pay $500.00 for a mouth guard when he didn’t know if he would be able to tolerate it. We are in Mexico and the dental care has been incredible and much cheaper than back in the USA. We have decent dental insurance but our dentist here costs us less than our copay.

        My spouse had a custom made mouth guard made by the dentist while we waited and the total cost of the visit and mouth guard was $25.00. And if he didn’t like it, they would redo it for a couple of bucks until he was okay with it. Fortunately, it has worked perfectly and he no longer wakes up in the morning with a headache and stiff neck.

        1. Imtheone*

          When you can travel, take a trip to Mexico and get a guard made (if if that’s a possibility for you.)

    16. Salamander*

      I tried a lot of the ones on the market, but ultimately went with the one my dentist made. It is so much more comfortable, doesn’t slip and slide around, and I forget I’m wearing it. It also keeps my teeth from shifting. I wish I hadn’t spent the money on the drugstore ones.

    17. Eff Walsingham*

      Back 20 years ago or so, I *destroyed* the custom mouth guard my dentist had made for me. Apparently I clenched it so hard that it split right along the middle of the ‘crescent’. She said, “I’ve never seen anything like this” and passed it around the practice for everyone to marvel at. Then she suggested I should try one of the drugstore ones, since (a) I no longer had insurance and (b) they weren’t as hard and therefore might have more ‘give’ and not be as brittle.

      A few years after that, she told me that research had shown that some patients actually clench harder when they use a guard because there’s something to bite, so there might be some benefit to going without it, at least for a while, if I was still getting the headaches anyway.

      So basically I’ve tried multiple options. The pricey guard from the dentist was uncomfortably tight at first but I got used to it, yet I’d say it wasn’t durable enough to justify the cost. The drugstore one was bigger and more cumbersome, which meant I didn’t use it as much. Now I use nothing, and I get the impression I only grind my teeth some of the time, based on headaches and damage to fillings. Currently I’m trying a more holistic approach to stress in my life, so we’ll see how that goes.

      1. Cendol*

        I fear I am in that category of patients who clench harder, lol. Just got a custom mouth guard a few weeks ago and I swear sometimes I wake up gnawing on that thing. But I do find myself clenching my teeth less during the day now, FWIW. No idea why.

        The damage from night-grinding was apparent for me (broke a molar!). I decided the money was worth it to try to save my poor teeth.

        1. Old and Don’t Care*

          I think I do clench/grind as much or more with my mouth guard in (custom from dentist, fits on bottom front teeth only, about an inch long.) I mentioned that to my dentist and she said that was fine, the guard was protecting my teeth. Tooth damage was the reason I got it, no headaches or jaw pain.

          It was about a third of the price of a crown. I wish I had gotten it prior to cracking several teeth from grinding.

    18. Kuododi*

      Your pricing sounds comparable with the last time I inquired for myself. Unfortunately, I chose not to invest at the time and I’m now reaping the fallout of not protecting my teeth. (Sensitive teeth to the degree I need prescription toothpaste. Chronic headaches, chronic jaw pain, even biting sores inside my cheeks and lips.). $500 now beats an unimaginable $$$ from managing the above listed conditions. (Shoot, the prescription toothpaste alone would have more than paid for the bite guard. $20-25/ bottle depending on insurance.)

      Best wishes for your future.
      Kuododi

    19. Lobsterp0t*

      So, getting a sport guard isn’t the same at all.

      It sucks, but you might just have to shell out the money. Apparently hypno therapy is helpful for this issue. I haven’t tried it yet (it feels a bit woo to me) but I’m tired of the tension headaches I get from bruxism- so I might have a go once I find an option that looks ok.

    20. Jenny F. Scientist*

      I’ve been fine with commercial ones; I squeeze them really thin and trim down the edges until it’s comfortable. I’ve also used the Plackers ones.

  10. Mild PTSD self-help?*

    I’ve been having some concerning physical and emotional symptoms precipitated by a recent event in my life. I went to my primary care doctor who said he believes I have mild PTSD and would benefit from therapy. He gave me a referral to an appropriate resource. Unfortunately, the soonest I seem to be able to get an appointment is in 2 months. So that’s not terribly helpful for me right now.

    Anyone with experience with this know of self-help coping resources that may be helpful in the interim?

    I’m really hoping I can bring the stress down a notch, even if just a little bit, as it’s been unpleasant and disruptive in my life.

    1. Crispy Pork*

      I’m sorry you have to wait so long. Having gone through this proces myself I know how hard it is to find mental health care.

      When I am struggling I just focus on sticking to a simple routine so I’m not in bed all day. I go for a walk, meditate, do yoga, exercise, and read. Be kind to yourself and do whatever makes your day easy – for me it means getting takeaway and leaving the house in a slight mess.

      Good luck to you.

    2. Princess Deviant*

      Do stuff that’s comforting for you, eating, sleeping, walking, being in nature, whatever.
      Keep to a routine and be kind to yourself, as the other commenter said.
      You can work out other more helpful and healthy coping strategies with your therapist when the time comes.
      I personally find mindfulness meditation very helpful also. I like Danny Penman and Prof. Mark Williams’ guided meditations on YouTube and they’re very short.

    3. I'd Rather Be Eating Dumplings*

      It will depend a little on what sort of symptoms you’re experiencing. That said, typically a good start for PTSD is to work on the ‘window of tolerance’. (If you google image search that, lots of helpful diagrams will pop up.)

      Grounding techniques will be helpful for this. Personally, I’ve heard lots of good things about the ‘5-4-3-2-1 Senses’ technique, but there are lots of different ones – google is your friend here. With these techniques, you’ll want to practice them early and often when you’re in a calm-ish state. It will feel boring, but it is worth it. When we’re feeling highly aroused, it is very difficult to recall new habits/skills unless they’re already ingrained. (For googling purposes – many practical tips for managing panic attacks can also be helpful for PTSD).

      If you’re struggling with nightmares specifically, I highly recommend getting a nightlight and a white noise machine. The nightlight recommendation is contrary to a lot of the ‘good sleep’ advice you’ll see, but with PTSD symptoms, the brain really needs to be reminded that they are in the here and now, not in the past. Waking from a vivid dream into full darkness will not help with that, you want to be able to look around and orient yourself.

      Lastly – many people find it helpful to get a journal and record symptoms (if you google ‘intrusion diary’ a bunch of options should pop up). This can be both a helpful tool to help you notice patterns (like if symptoms get worse in certain settings) and progress.

      Good luck with everything.

    4. Jackalope*

      I’ve found the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to work well, and you can totally look it up online. You find five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste (or one thing you can feel inside your body). I personally switch to four things I can hear and three I can feel since that tends to work better for the context in which I need it. It’s helpful in giving you something else to hold onto when the PTSD hits, and can take you outside of the stress long enough to help stop the spiral of panic/fear/anger/etc.

    5. Family Estrangement*

      Speaking from a spouse perspective, I notice a marked difference in my husband when he is exercising every day vs. when he’s not. The longer he goes without moving, the more the anxiety itch starts building and disrupting things.

      In my life (non-PTSD, so feel free to disregard), when I have intrusive thoughts I use the two minute distraction technique. I always have the news up on my phone so I just pick any article that seems remotely interesting and read it. Usually takes about two minutes which is apparently the time scientists have determined your brain need to switch to another task. After I finish reading, the intrusive thought has usually passed or else feels way less intense.

    6. Retail Not Retail*

      I’m sorry you’re having such a delay. I second exercise because it’s like that bit from Parks and Rec about constantly moving so your thoughts can’t catch you. And for me, exercise is as simple as walking my dog and playing pokemon go while listening to a podcast. Not music, I can be too “ugh this song sucks!” and not get distracted enough.

      It hasn’t been fully enough for depressive swings, whew, had to start a new med and I’m thinking of restarting therapy with our EAP, but it is good for distraction in the moment. (I have a hip injury and walking is about all I should be doing frankly, my job is way too active. Which may mean my tolerance for exercise as distraction is getting too high.)

      It may also be good to look at your 2020 habits – have you been working from home? Have you been going outside on walks if allowed? Have you kept a routine? Do you get to talk to or see someone who cares about you?

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I am a big fan of treating the physical symptoms concurrently. I’d go one symptom at a time, something to calm a stomach ache. Maybe some peppermint oil for headaches and so on. These symptoms are probably smaller than the ones you’d actually like to address but start with the symptoms that you can find solutions for.
      Once your therapy does start, continue addressing physical stuff as it shows up. Even using tame OTCs can be of some relief. Physical relief helps the mind to process what actually needs to be processed.

      OTOH, I am a big fan of regular walks. Don’t turn this into something hard. Perhaps decide on 15 minutes walks every other day- make it doable so that you actually do it.

      I am also a big fan of affirmations. The problem with affirmations is that it takes time to see any results. And when things get thick, it can be tough to remember to do them. Perhaps write a couple affirmations out and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Each time you see them say them out loud. It matters what we tell ourselves. Saying things such as, “I will help me/myself get to a better spot” can sound too simplistic to be of any support. But an affirmation like this is super-super important.

    8. Firefly*

      I use several well-being apps to manage my anxiety and PTSD. Have you checked out the PTSD Coach app?

    9. Anonymato*

      I recommend the Center for Mind-Body Medicine – on their website under “Education” there are some webinars and recordings of things like breathing and guided imagery to do by yourself or you can sign up for an online Mind-Body Skills Groups. Their stuff is actually research based for stress and PTSD, but really practical. I hope you feel better soon!

    10. fposte*

      There are DBT workbooks specifically aimed at PTSD—some of them may even be freely downloadable.

    11. Oatmeal*

      C-PTSD here. I think what I would focus on is making your environment the best you can. So that’s eating well, sleeping well, exercising, doing fun things to the extent you can. Along with that I’d focus on mitigating the symptoms. Grounding techniques are great things to practice with. But it really depends what you’re experiencing right now. Nightmares or panic attacks or elevated anxiety/dread or…there are depression and PTSD screeners online (they’re questionnaires, you can google them) if you want to see for yourself why the doc thinks PTSD and get a better handle on what the symptoms are.

      1. Oatmeal*

        ETA Like others say there are a lot of workbooks and things. It’s not that I think you can do harm trying those by yourself, but depending on what is actually happening it may just be frustrating to try by yourself, in which case I’d work more on sleep etc. but I have complex ptsd and I don’t know what mild looks like so my suggestions may be off-base.

    12. Generic Name*

      My trauma therapist has suggested using the “calm” app. I would avoid reading books on trauma until you are under the care of a therapist. I am currently reading The Body Keeps the Score, and it’s tough reading sometimes.

      Does your employer have an EAP program? When I’ve used mine in the past, I was able to get a telephone appointment quickly. Maybe that would tide you over until your appointment.

    13. I don’t post often*

      As someone who experienced physical and mental symptoms due to grief, it may help to attend a support group geared to those that have experienced a similar type of trauma. (Again, not sure this would be helpful in every case but it wasn’t for me). In my case, my arms, from elbow to wrist hurt in the weeks after my loss. Attending a support group (which offered no formal counseling, just people sharing their experiences) was helpful, as another person commented that this was completely normal for the type of loss I experienced.
      I did also go to counseling. I second the comment about the EAP. I didn’t know this resource was available at my company until that time.

    14. Skeeder Jones*

      Just before the pandemic, I had a car fire while driving on the freeway. Between that and the pandemic, I started having major anxiety attacks and was constantly in a state of mild anxiety. It was also messing with my work life as all of a sudden, meetings where I had to present/speak had me freaking out and I would be in a state of hyper-anxiety until the meeting was over. I know the anxiety was part mild PTSD. I have a therapist and that helped but it’s not like I could talk to her every day. I did a lot of things that each brought it down a little:
      I got a cat. I was no longer the sole living being in my apartment and petting her was very therapeutic.
      I started using the Calm app when attacks came and also had a ton of success with Happify which helped me find ways to shift my body’s emotional responses and actually change the emotions I was feeling in the moment.
      I temporarily went on an anti-depressant
      I started taking CBD oil on a maintenance basis and also used a combo THC/CBD vape during attacks (after work hours only even though I worked from home so it didn’t super matter)
      I started having short solo outings to do things that helped put me in a different mindspace, such as going to a o a park with a journaling/art books (52 Lists of Calm and did some of the lists and also with some art supplies like adult coloring books or books that help you learn how to draw), rented a waverunner for an afternoon on the ocean, rented a duffy boat, went kayaking (I’m fortunate to live near the ocean but maybe there are some nature spots that really resonate for you).
      It was really the combination of actions that helped, each one brought it down a little bit.

    15. Lobsterp0t*

      The practices I learned with EMDR therapy were all about using the tapping method. I think if you look up emotional freedom technique the explanation of what to do is quite similar?

      It isn’t PTSD related but I have also found DBT worksheets to help with other forms of anxiety – there is some good material about Wise Mind in those which I imagine would not hurt as an interim self help practise.

      1. Lobsterp0t*

        The thing I was thinking of is the bilateral tapping which isn’t emotional freedom technique (which I got confused with it and haven’t used, but also involves tapping) it is bilateral stimulation.

        I found that very helpful and because I was doing EMDR therapy at the time it was a way to anchor in something that felt very safe. It worked to ground me and stop panic and anxiety.

  11. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Sourdough! I’m getting in to sourdough. The learning curve is a bit steeper than I want it to be, but I feel like I’m making progress. I’ve found some good resources, some good recipes and some good new concepts to chew on, but u always like more!

    So: What are you baking? What are your go-to recipes? What hydration levels do you bake at often? What resources do you like? I’m all ears!

    2. Batgirl*

      I’m just getting into gluten free baking and while I’ve discovered ace recipes I am finding it so, so tough with anything that needs a rise or starter. It’s probably my cold, northern English house. One thing I have discovered is if I put my slow cooker on very low, place the dough or starter on top of the slow cooker (upturned lid) and cover with a tea towel then I am getting a very reliable rise because of the moisture and gentle heat. I’ve only tried it with naan starter and naan bread so far (which is a quick rise), but this Easter break may give me enough energy to try sourdough loaves and starters again. I also want to try a nutella braided loaf.

      1. Unemployed in Greenland*

        If you have any links to those ace recipes, would you be comfortable sharing? I would love to know them! I’m trying to make gluten-free these days, and it’s so darn difficult. I don’t know if I add xantham gum when I shouldn’t, or if I’m just getting the proving wrong, or what, but everything turns out either grossly spongy and damp or flat as a pancake!

        1. Batgirl*

          Go to GFOAS – gluten free on a shoestring. I’m eating the corn dog recipe right now. I’m British so have no idea what they are supposed to taste or look like. Took minutes and they’re ace. I’ll be making these every weekend. I also recommend the blueberry scones, Chocolate donuts, buttermilk pancakes and weight watcher pizza dough as tasty but easy places to start. She recommends using better batter or cup 4cup (Doves Farm is the UK equivalent which is what I use). The recipes sometimes call for xantham gum, but to omit it if your blend already contains it. Some recipes require a gum free blend to work (Dove’s plain flour for me). She also has recipes to make your own flour blend, but to make them you need superfine rice flour, which I can’t get in the UK. Coarse rice flour, present in most blends, is responsible for gritty textures and dry, uneven results.

          1. Teatime is Goodtime*

            This is so interesting, thank you so much for sharing! I’m definitely going to put it in my back pocket for when I bake for friends. :)

    3. Not A Manager*

      I love my sourdough. After years of experimenting (with decent-to-excellent results that we were happy to eat), I’ve found a recipe and technique that I’m quite happy with. I’m sure I’ll keep tweaking it over time, but for now we like it.

      Things I’ve learned:

      *My starter thrives best when fed a 50/50 mix of whole wheat flour and bread flour. It gets sluggish with AP flour or all-white flour.
      *My white bread has a better structure if I use bread flour and a little bit of whole wheat flour – not enough to make it taste like whole wheat bread, but enough to give it some oomph. My ratio is about 8:1 bread flour to whole wheat flour.
      *It’s easiest for me to use an “almost no-knead” technique that combines autolyse with occasional folding, stirring or slapping (depending on how wet the dough is) in order to stretch the gluten.
      *We like loaf bread that we can slice for sandwiches. All of the recipes for free-form loaves or loafs baked in a dutch oven can be adapted for a loaf pan.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        This is all great to hear, thank you for sharing! I’m trying to find good recipes that don’t take much babysitting since I can’t always know ahead of time what’s going on in my life day to day. Good to know that that exists in your life! :)

    4. BRR*

      I have a loaf of oat porridge sourdough in the oven right now. The oats release moisture while baking so the inside is very soft. I generally use Tartine bread and Tartine book 3. I also like website the perfect loaf (but generally use a little less water, his doughs are always sticky for me). My standard sourdough is 80-85% hydration.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I’ve been reading the perfect loaf! So helpful, but I’ve also found my doughs too wet, so it is so nice to hear that you’ve had that experience too!

        And I’m so impressed about your high hydration, I’m far away from that at the moment. I’ll check out the Tartine stuff, thank you!

    5. Meh*

      For you sourdough peeps- how much do you figure you spend a month feeding your starter? I know I would not be able to make enough waffles/pancakes with the part you toss from feeding. So I’ve been reluctant to start thinking of the cost/waste.

      1. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I don’t have that much waste, to be honest! And I have even less when I plan well, but I’m still getting the hang of that. A few things help with this: first, I often keep my starter in the fridge, which cuts way down on the feedings. I pull off of that for levains and then feed the whole thing when it gets low. Second, for some recipes I don’t bother with a levain and just use starter. This works especially well if sourdough isn’t the only levener, for example in english muffins, because the starter doesn’t have to be gram perfect in the same way. There’s more wiggle room. And lastly, I’ve been baking quite a bit recently! :) And regularly, too, so it ends up a bit predictable. But YMMV.

      2. BRR*

        King Arthur has a cracker recipe that I use for my discard. I’ll save the discard from a couple of feedings in its own container in the fridge then adjust the rest of the ingredients to scale depending on how much discard I have. You can also use discard in other bread recipes to add flavor (it’s great in pizza dough) by subbing out flour and water and adding a little more salt. Eg if you add 50g discard subtract 25g flour and 25g water from the recipe and add 1g salt.

      3. Teatime is Goodtime*

        Oh I realized I didn’t answer your question, sorry! I feed my starter at minimum once per week 50g bread flour and 50g rye or whole wheat, depending on what I have handy. But I often feed it more than that since I’m making so much right now. So it doesn’t end up being that much in terms of cost.

      4. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

        Pennies, really. I’m not that fussed with all the details and I use a one step recipe so I don’t do a separate levain and don’t really discard that much. It’s not the way you are supposed to do it but I keep my starter in a plastic tub on the counter and only feed it when I notice that there is a lot of dark liquid on top or the day before I intend to make bread (so every 5 days roughly). I just pour off the excess liquid and add an unscientific amount of water and flour (a couple of giant spoonfuls), sometimes a bit of sugar if it seems like it’s very weak.

        So far I’ve had perfectly fine results doing it the lazy, cheap way. Flour costs 45 pence for a 1.5kg bag, and I’ve used three or four bags since I started making sourdough a year ago. So for me at least the waste and cost is negligible.

      5. rye loaf*

        I keep my starter in the fridge. I feed it once per week, or once every two weeks. A gigantic spoon or two of flour and more-or-less the same of water. I have about 3/4 -1 c starter when it’s all stirred down. I don’t toss any from feeding. I generally make about 1 loaf/week, where the loaf takes about 100 (+/- 40) g of starter, and makes about 1.5 kg finished product.

      6. Meh*

        Thanks for the feeding replies! I have the book Salt, Flour, water, yeast and his feeding schedule/amount just seems so wasteful and the amount of flour isn’t trivial.

        2. BRR*

          Ah, yes. Nobody knows why he calls for such astronomical amounts of flour. In his second book he even calls for less.

    6. lemon meringue*

      I have a heritage sourdough that I’ve had good results with for years now. Because I’m not as dedicated as I could be, my main sourdough recipe goals are that it’s not too disruptive and doesn’t require me to clear out tons of refrigerator space or use plastic wrap.

      My old go-to recipe was the Cooks Illustrated Almost No-Knead Sourdough, which I loved, but they took it down last year because apparently a lot of people were having trouble with it. I tried to email them for a copy of the old recipe, but no dice. I’m still trying to recapture that magic. (The new version apparently works well, but it’s too fussy for me to use on a regular basis.)

    7. Esmeralda*

      I recently made my first loaf ever — it came out great. King Arthur Flour, starter recipe and no-knead loaf — recipes online.

    8. RagingADHD*

      My fave sourdough resources are the YT channels Foodgeek and Bake with Jack.

      Favorite tool discovered this year is the Danish dough whisk. It’s brilliant for all types of dough and batter.

      Favorite way to proof sourdough is in the Instant Pot on the yogurt setting.

    9. Aealias*

      I make sourdough every week or two for breakfast bread. So much cheaper than buying bagels!

      I used the King Arthur starter recipe and their no-commercial-yeast bread recipe, but I use theKitchn’s technique – which I think is the Tartine technique mentioned above.

      I never throw out starter. Ever. Every few months I get enough extra to make a maple-walnut sourdough quick bread – a bit expensive, but delicious and filling for a breakfast treat. I just weigh all the starter I have, add an equal volume of water and equal weight of flour, pull off the two cups I need for my King Arthur recipe, and put the rest back in the jar and back in the fridge. If I were using a levain recipe (which I don’t cause Spouse doesn’t like the larger holes I typically get with a levain) I’d pull the old starter for the maple-walnut bread, feed the remainder, and then pull the couple of tablespoons for levain and return the rest to the fridge.

      Links to follow!

      2. Aealias*

        Oh! I forgot to mention! Recently I’ve been brushing my loaves with a bit of water after they’re in the Dutch oven and before they go into the oven-oven. I seem to get a better rise and thinner crust that way, which is popular in this house.

  12. Crispy Pork*

    My 10 yo son was recently diagnosed with autism. I am struggling to figure out when and how to tell him about this? My husband thought it would be best to wait until he’s a little older but I wonder if it’s better to tell him now matter of fact. It’s so confusing to know what is best for him.

    I am also surprised with how much I am grieving over the diagnosis. Since he was very young my son has had other minor special needs and more serious mental health issues so I thought I was prepared for anything. But since the diagnosis I am finding myself alternately relieved and heartbroken.

    Any others (not necessarily just parents) in a similar situation, your insight would be much appreciated.

    1. Princess Deviant*

      I was diagnosed as autistic very recently as a 45 year old woman and I’ve struggled all my life with things that would have made a lot more sense if I’d known I was autistic!
      So if I’d had a diagnosis at age 10 I would have liked to know about it.
      I was also quite mature for my age.

      It was a huge relief to be to find out I was autistic as an adult, but I did also experience grief because of the ‘lost’ time. What you’re feeling makes complete sense! Your son will see your emotions too, so it may be helpful to him to explain them so he understands.
      Everything was so confusing to me when I was younger, it would have been brilliant if there was someone there to explain it all.

      I feel now that my insides have started matching my outsides. It’d maybe be good for your son to have that opportunity too.

      By the way, many autistic people prefer identity first language (autistic person) rather than person first language (person with autism) because we feel that being autistic is an inherent part of our personhood rather than something we have to “deal with”, like an illness, for example.

      1. Queer Earthling*

        I’m 33 and while I can’t afford to get tested, I’m almost certainly both autistic and ADHD.

        My mom was encouraged to have me tested when I was a kid but, because my mom wasn’t a very good parent, just like…didn’t feel like it and never did so. So instead, I struggled in school and with social interaction without knowing why, which led to me developing extremely intense social anxiety and low self-esteem because I felt broken. Having some explanation would not have fixed all of it, but it would have been nice to know that my problems weren’t just because of personal failing.

        So, yes, I’m on team “tell your kid.” It’s not a bad thing to be autistic; it’s just an explanation for something that’s already there.

        Also, if possible, look into resources from autistic people, not ones exclusively from parents of autistic kids and certainly not from Autism $peaks, which most autistic people consider a hate group.

    2. Honesty is the best policy*

      A diagnosis doesn’t create anything that wasn’t already there, just gives a name to what’s been present all along. Your kid knows he is how he is; keeping the label from him is not going to change that. And he’s been this way his whole life, the whole time you’ve been parenting him and loving him. Adding the label doesn’t change that.

      I think keeping information from your kid that might help him understand himself better isn’t a good policy. I have a child with specific medical needs and he’s understood what those are and how to articulate them since he was three.

      Presumably if he was diagnosed that means he’s undergone assessment, too, so it’s not like this conversation will come out of left field – you start it with “you know how we were all noticing x, so we took you to do y? Here’s what we found out.” Did the assessor give you any age appropriate resources to help your kid understand the diagnosis, more information on living as an autistic person, etc? Those would be good things to pass along.

      Did you get any resources on parenting an autistic child? Can you join a parents’ group in your area? It’s normal to feel however you feel when there’s been a new diagnosis in your family, and going through it alongside others can help.

      1. tangerineRose*

        “I think keeping information from your kid that might help him understand himself better isn’t a good policy.” This!

    3. Batgirl*

      I teach a high number of SEN students and while it’s really important for me to know that my student is autistic, it’s even more important for them to know. Imagine trying to teach a child who doesn’t know something intrinsic about how they go about things.. like they don’t understand that they are left handed or that other people aren’t. I think matter of fact is the way to go. It’s awful when a student gets it in their head that it’s wrong to be even slightly different, or that one aspect of themselves is a shameful secret. They then fight every tiny measure that could possibly help them. I never mention a student’s diagnosis to them, I always let them raise it with me, and explain how they learn to me.. and there’s a huge variety within diagnoses anyway. It’s still up to them who they want to be. Usually the parents are either the biggest challenge or the biggest support. Yes, parents have to grieve pre-existing ideas; I’ve had wonderfully supportive parents say that to me. It seems to be universal. They do that privately though. To their kid, they give ownership. Ownership of information about themselves. Ownership of decisions about who they will be. Even when it’s really tough and unclear of what that will eventually look like.

    4. Rebecca Stewart*

      My father, myself, and two of my three kids are autistic. No one knew that’s what it was till the eldest of my boys got tested around 2005. (And we looked at my dad and said OHHH! in comprehension, and then we looked at me, the genetic link, and said, OHHH! and now we know what to call that family quirk.)

      I would tell him now, personally. I knew for years that I was different, that I had to hide it, and it was SO much work to mask and appear neurotypical, that when I did realize that was what it was, I was relieved. It would have been nice to know that I’m not broken, just different.

      For the record, in my autistic family, my dad worked happily in an auto plant his entire career, had a couple friends there, had a good marriage and was a decent father to his daughters, enjoyed his hobbies of gardening and small engine repair, and was a good grandfather. I’ve enjoyed being a stay at home mom and working as a housekeeper and personal chef, and I get along well with all my family (except my sister, which is its own thing), and I’m working on writing a book. I have plenty of friends and am going to marry again next year. My elder boy is in welding school and will have a good career. He’s waiting til his life is in order on the career front to date. (He’s the sort who will show up at a family Thanksgiving and introduce his fiancee when no one had any idea he was dating anyone.) Right now he’s living with my mom because her back is bad and Dad is no longer around to take care of their acreage. And the middle kid graduated in 2019 with a degree in meteorology and is off to go work on his master’s degree, and he’s engaged to a very nice girl he met at school.

      So autism doesn’t cut you out of having a perfectly good life.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        > (And we looked at my dad and said OHHH! in comprehension, and then we looked at me, the genetic link, and said, OHHH! and now we know what to call that family quirk.)

        That’s about what happened (with my mom and her mother + her aunt + both of their parents) when I got diagnosed!

        And can agree that autism doesn’t prevent having a good or happy life.

    5. Not A Manager*

      Tell him now. He already knows that something is not typical in his experience, and he probably already has unpleasant internal explanations for it. This will help him understand the real reasons. Although you are grieving, he might not have the same reaction. He might be relieved to know what’s going on.

      Also, do you have support for you? You are absolutely allowed to grieve and to feel any number of things, and you deserve a place to discuss it that is safe for you *and* safe for your child. You don’t want to inadvertently bring your own feelings to him.

      1. ten four*

        Seconding that some support for you might be in order! When my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD I was really taken aback and it took me a little while to process. And I love her and she’s wonderful and frankly having a diagnosis and treatment made all our lives a lot better and happier. It just took me a minute. And I didn’t want to dump that on her, because there’s nothing wrong with – her brain is just wired a little differently. It really helped to talk it through with my therapist and other moms.

    6. Nicki Name*

      Not one of my autistic relatives has suffered from getting an explanation for why they struggle with certain parts of life. Tell him! The more knowledge he has available to work with, the better.

      I’m curious, why is this heartbreaking for you?

    7. Jen*

      My Dad is a pediatrician who specializes in neuro issues, including autism. Think about it this way, you’re now getting the resources and toolbox to help him approach the world. Interventions can really make all the difference. My dad picked up that our neighbor’s son was undiagnosed ASD and got him the correct therapies and the kid went from constantly in trouble and failing out in 9th grade to graduating with honors and getting into a great college program. Knowing what you are dealing with can make all the difference.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        I want to echo this. My cousin’s twin sons, now 11, are autistic. It has been really helpful for them to know this about themselves since they were younger. Early on their parents accessed resources to help them navigate the world, and now the kids are old enough to know what they need to care for themselves in a neurotypical world.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      A person I worked with had some struggles. I could see things were difficult but I couldn’t really say too much. One day, she told me she had good news. Her face was lit up, she was smiling. She told me her diagnosis. (not autism but definitely life impacting). I said, “WHY are you so happy?”
      I will never forget. She said, “All my life I have known I am different from other people. And I never understood why. NOW, I know. It has a NAME [meaning her diagnosis]. I now KNOW why I am different from other people.”

      The relief this person was experiencing was so strong, I could almost feel it myself. I will never forget that day.

    9. Generic Name*

      My son was recently diagnosed at 14. Honestly, I wish he had been diagnosed earlier. He had some very difficult behaviors in early elementary which were likely because he was having a hard time coping with the school environment, and he probably would have had a better experience if we were able to get him the appropriate therapy.

      I told my son about his diagnosis right away. I told him that the diagnosis was information about how his brain works, and most people’s brain works in a certain way and some people’s brain works in a different way. I told him it had to do with information processing and thinking styles.

      We are currently going through the intake process for ABA therapy, and the therapist has been great about listening to his wishes. One of his most challenging behaviors is basically he melts down when he gets frustrated by changes in routine, etc. and the therapist mentioned that they might need to arrange things to basically trigger a meltdown. My son spoke up and said that he didn’t want to be “set up”, and she listened to that and took a different approach.

      1. Imtheone*

        I’m a Special Ed teacher. One thing to do to help stress from changes in routine is to practice them. Schedule a time when unpredictable things will happen — every Friday at 4 pm, for example. Then build on that.

        1. Generic Name*

          Interesting! What types of things would you suggest for something “unpredictable”? Like “suprise! We’re going to the pool today!”? I typically give him a heads up the day before and then the morning of an appointment, for example. When he goes to high school, we’ll tour the school a few times and have him practice walking to his classes.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Tell him. He may be a child, but it is his life, his brain, his emotions. If you don’t tell him, then when he does find out later and realizes that you knew and didn’t tell him, he’ll have every right to feel angry and betrayed.

    11. lemon meringue*

      This isn’t what you asked for, but you may benefit from a few therapy sessions to process your feelings about the diagnosis and discuss the best way to let your son know. I think it’s important to be able to put your own feelings to one side and focus on supporting your son, so that he doesn’t receive any mixed messages about what the diagnosis might mean for him. And try not to let your mind run away with how this diagnosis may or may not affect his future; maybe you can try to think of it primarily as a tool to help figure out how to best support him.

    12. Dark Macadamia*

      I’ve seen anecdotes about people getting diagnosed as adults, telling their parents, and the parents are like oh yeah we knew that we just didn’t want you to be “different” – it seems almost universal that people in this situation wish they had known sooner. A diagnosis doesn’t change your kid, but it does provide a framework for understanding himself and his needs. It’s great that you are figuring this out so early and thinking so much about how to support him!

      When looking into information and support for both yourself and your kid, focus on organizations that center actual autistic experiences. Many autistic folks find Autism Speaks to be really harmful (focuses on “curing” autism and what a burden it is to the parents/family) and recommend groups like ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network) instead.

    13. I grieved too*

      I totally get the grieving. it may not be quite the same situation, but my daughter had clear learning difficulties when she was 8. When she was “officially diagnosed” at 11 or so, I definitely grieved, for maybe a couple of years. So, I’d say it’s normal to grieve some – it seems that life is hard enough without other obstacles being thrown in the way. We just want our kids to be able to do whatever they want, and be happy. It’s heartbreaking when they have obstacles thrown in their way. As for when to tell him – oh, that’s so much on you/your kid and how the info gets processed. There’s probably pros and cons to all the choices.

    14. OtterB*

      Re the parenting grief. My daughter, who is now 27, is not autistic but she has some overlap in traits to the point where it was suggested several times when she was younger that we have her tested for autism (but a couple of experts said no, and I think they were right). She has ADHD, intellectual disabilities, and a speech output problem to the point where she’s essentially nonverbal. One of the things I found was that I didn’t accept her disabilities once and for all. I would think I had, but then she would hit a standard milestone (e.g. starting middle school) and I would grieve again for a little while. For me it was a cyclical process. I had to go ahead and grieve the loss of the parenting life I expected to have, so that buried grief didn’t poison my relationship with the child I had.

      When she was an infant we went through some genetic testing for her. (Nothing identified.) The developmental pediatrician said to keep in mind that having a diagnosis was helpful because it could warn you of common problems to beware of, but that it didn’t define the child. Even with a fairly well-understood diagnosis like Down Syndrome, he said, there could be a broad range of abilities and problems, and so you always dealt with the child in front of you.

      Re telling him, this wasn’t an issue for us so take my advice with a grain of salt, but if you read to him my inclination would be to look for a book on autism or neurodivergence that you could read. Vet them carefully; there’s some awful stuff out there. But that might plant some seeds that you could have discussions about later.

      1. OtterB*

        Adding, one thing that helped me was learning to separate the things that bothered me about her issues from the things that bothered her. If she was unhappy about something in a school or social situation, then it needed to be addressed. If I was unhappy about something but she didn’t care, then as long as it didn’t have health or long-term consequences, I needed to let it go.

        Actually, that’s not bad parenting advice in general. As my brother put it when our kids were younger, his greatest parenting dilemmas were in deciding whether some activity or behavior was wrong and needed to be stopped, or just weird, and needed to be let alone.

        1. RagingADHD*

          I wish more parents in general had that attitude.

          I participate in a lot of neurodivergence-related hashtags on Twitter, and the amount of young people who seem to torment themselves over every tiny harmless behavior quirk is just heartbreaking.

          “Is it wierd that I do this? Is this a ND thing?”

          When the real answer is, “Maybe, maybe not, it’s not hurting you or anyone else, so why does it matter?”

          There’s a strange backlash to the normalization of differences that has turned every mark of individuality into a diagnosis.

          A disorder is when you have a *problem*. If it doesn’t cause actual problems, just let kids be weird!

    15. Janon*

      Good for you for getting him diagnosed! It’s a gift to be able to get accommodations to make a person’s life better versus pretending they are neurotypical! There are some tiktokkers who speak about their experience with autism.

      In my

    16. I need tea*

      I’m on team “tell him”. I was recently diagnosed with autism in my 20s, but I’ve spent my entire life knowing I’m different. I’ve also spent my whole life knowing I can’t do things others easily can, that I get upset at things others don’t, that people don’t always understand my questions, motivations or behaviours… I thought I was just a defective human, and that made my life extremely difficult. I think had I known I was autistic from childhood, my relationship with myself would’ve been a lot better. (To give some context for the extent this can go to, I was abused, I self-harmed and I attempted suicide multiple times. Had I known I’m autistic and known what that means for me, each of those things may have been less likely to happen, and I’m as certain as I can possibly be that I would never have attempted suicide if I’d known I was autistic.) There’s massive relief in knowing that I’m not a failure at being neurotypical – it’s just unreasonable for me to be expected to be or act like a neurotypical person, and it’s unreasonable of *me* to expect myself to be or act neurotypical. There’s a lot of joy in knowing and being unashamedly myself. As soon as I got diagnosed, my quality of life massively improved and these days I’m doing really well. I’m finally happy being me – I just wish I could’ve had this happiness sooner.

      In terms of support, I would say vet resources carefully. There’s a massive difference between the ActuallyAutistic community and communities about autism led by allistic (non-autistic) people and they have completely different approaches (and many, many resources will fall into the latter without this being obvious). The former includes autism as a potential and valid part of identity, uses the social model of disability (i.e. the problem is not the disabled person, the problem is that the world is set up to exclude the disabled person), discusses positives like autistic joy, provides support by and for autistic people who’ve gone through similar experiences, and – this is key – centres the experiences of people who are actually autistic. A lot of resources that are made by allistic people, for allistic people, about autistic people, can be really harmful, downright abusive, and may be considered hate speech by the autistic community. Self-advocacy communities, networks run by autistic people at least in part, and autism professionals who are either autistic themselves or who center the experiences of autistic people in their practice are potentially useful resources to look for. Red flags include promotion of ABA (google “the great big aba opposition resource list” for a variety of resources and experiences regarding ABA), attempts to suppress non-harmful stims, “coping mechanisms” for autistic children that seek to encourage or condition kids to pretend to be neurotypical, use of “person-first” language (i.e. “person with autism” to describe autistic people as a group or to describe individuals who prefer identity-first language (i.e. “autistic person”) (this one’s tricky; professionals are often trained, and allistic people strongly encouraged by other allistic people, to use identity-first language, usually with the reasoning that “a person is not their diagnosis”, so use of this doesn’t necessarily mean a person or resource is bad, although it may indicate at minimum a lack of awareness of the community the person or resource purports to support. Most autistic people, however, do feel that autism is a significant part of their identity and dislike person-first language as it makes autism sound like something that can be removed from the person or like an illness to be “cured” or “treated”, and some feel that it’s an indication that allistic people need to be reminded that autistic people are people. Preference is to use identity-first language when describing groups, and use personal preference when discussing individuals.)

      Also, there are lots and lots of autistic adults out there, who are experts in their own experiences and neurodivergence, who are skilled and happy professionals, etc., etc. Autistic adults are an *excellent* resource for young autistic people – having role models is important, seeing people who look and act like you is important, and knowing others have been where you are and being able to learn from them is important. Meeting and getting to know the various incredible autistic people in my life has helped me develop a better understanding of myself, discover new things about myself and discover new strategies, learn how to better advocate for myself and has helped me improve my skill at a wide range of things, from social situations to boundaries to self-care and inclusion. I’d recommend supporting access to autistic-led events and groups – this might be really helpful for him, especially when it comes to his social health. For example, the “autistic person who struggles with socialising” idea has truth to it, but in my experience, many autistic people struggle primarily with *allistic* socialising and find socialising with people who are on their wavelength, often other autistic or neurodivergent people, much easier and more enjoyable, because allistic and autistic communication styles and relationship preferences can be very different, but both are valid. Learning to communicate with both autistic and allistic people is important (for everyone, including allistic kids), but a lot of autistic kids never learn that their communication style is valid or never get the chance to use it with other autistics until adulthood, and that’s a real shame! That’s not to say communication and relationships between autistic people will always go swimmingly, but if it’s possible and feasible, giving your son the opportunity to explore those things with other autistic kids could be really beneficial.

      Also, I’d recommend finding or developing a good support system. Unfortunately, some groups for parents of autistic children can encourage problematic or harmful behaviour towards autistic kids, so it’s probably worth some time upfront vetting groups so you can find somewhere that’s genuinely supportive and helpful for you and genuinely positive for autistic people too (groups that autistic adults are involved in the management of might be a good starting point). You and your family deserve good quality support, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling what you feel. Take time to grieve – but remember there are positives to this, too. Your son is who he is and you already know and love him – it’s just now, you have a better understanding of who he is and hopefully this better understanding will help your whole family love and care for each other even better.

    17. Former Neurodiverse Child*

      I had to find out about my own diagnosis via nosing about in my parents’ desk. I was maybe eight at the time; I did not have the maturity to process that alone, but I also couldn’t tell anyone that I knew, and it was far more traumatic than it needed to be.

      In particular, I found out that my therapists were reporting back to the state on whether my parents should be allowed to keep me. (I’d been taken out of an abusive home and was briefly in state care.) If you would like to terrify a small child who has finally started to feel safe, that’s an effective method. From then on, I was masking with everything I had – I have no symptoms, I’m not struggling, I’m a normal child who deserves a family.

      Fortunately, I was also the kind of eight-year-old who would steal my parents’ books on raising a neurodiverse child, and I was able to self-administer the therapy that I was outwardly insisting I did not need. But it would have been much better for all concerned if my parents had leveled with me. I knew I was different; that wasn’t the issue. They could have just told me that this was a thing that happens, and some things would be harder for me, so they were going to get me extra help.

      Remember, children are sponges. If you treat an issue matter-of-factly, they will too. If you treat it as a dark, dreadful secret, they will internalize that shame, and they won’t talk to you about it.

    18. Chuck*

      I would tell him now. My mother hid my disability diagnosis from me (mild cerebal palsy) and my brother’s autism diagnosis from him. We both found out accidentally when someone let it slip. By the point we found out my mother was dead and so I carry a lot of rage about why she let me think I was just not trying hard enough and why she left me to struggle in the dark. I also have an incomplete understanding of my disability as she was the one who handled all my medical appointments.
      Your kid knows he is different. By delaying this conversation you risk adding to a sense of alienation. Everybody deserves a framework through which they can understand themselves.

    19. Just me*

      I have an autistic child and I relate to needing time to grieve. I found the assessment process incredibly stressful, (my child handled it well) in part because of the huge financial pressure. When the diagnosis came through officially I just shut down. It was like when you go on holiday and get the flu. My body was just done with the stress and insomnia.

      I took a time to read up and think about what this meant for my daughter. I also put supports in place before I talked with her.
      She actually took the diagnosis in stride. I have taken the approach of focusing on all brains being different and all people having strengths and weaknesses. I highlight her strengths, which I believe are related to her autism and approach weaknesses as areas that she can work on to make stronger.
      She has some cognitive delays so these conversations are pitched at a young level.
      Our paediatrician gave me advice to surround her with a supportive network of people who are positive about her abilities and to give her as many opportunities to succeed Socially as we can. This has translated to me hiring a sympathetic teenager (who she admires) to help her with music practice and a lovely grandma to tutor her. I could do both of these things but this gives her two additional people to practice social skills and who are a supportive network (her peer network is small). I have found that she is happiest with either adults or younger children -this reduces the focus on her cognitive differences compared to same age peers. Obviously your son’s milage will vary.
      At the end of the day she needs unconditional love, positive regard and a soft place to fall – just the same as all children.
      Also everyone is different but I haven’t found autism communities helpful. I find autism parenting blogs can really focus on the negatives and in turn sometimes autism communities can be negative towards neurotypical parents. When she is older I will support her seeking g out these networks if she wants to.
      Best wishes to you. Parenting can be so hard an it is very important to look after yourself as well.

    20. Oh Brother*

      Adding another voice to the tell him crowd.

      The brother I grew up with is autistic; now he’s in his 30s, he has still never been told his diagnosis.

      It really affected our relationship growing up. (´why does Brother act like that?´ Answer: ‘Because you did something wrong. You need to Try Harder and don’t ask questions.´)

      It also really affected my relationship with our parent. When I found out the diagnosis by accident I asked wait, do I have any diagnoses you’re not telling me?! And got ‘uhhhh… no.’ in response.

      There was a pattern of support for him vs bootstraps for me which culminated in parent buying my brother a house and kicking me out of the family home. And then being A S T O U N D E D that we’re not close lol.

      What telling him might have changed: naming the traits may have made them easier to deal with. Normalising ´everyone’s brain is a bit different’ instead of there being a Huge Secret That Must Never Be Mentioned would have made things a lot easier. Saying Brother needs support because reason would have been a lot easier to deal with than the ‘Brother needs all these things because we love him more and you’re worthless’ message I received.

      I haven’t spoken to Brother in over a decade. The hidden diagnosis is only one facet of the reason but it certainly didn’t help.

    21. Dee*

      In general a ten year old can handle hearing about their own selves and diagnoses and all and there are huge downsides to waiting where you don’t have the words for what’s going on with yourself and it sucks. But I absolutely would recommend getting the heartbreak under control before you tell him. I would recommend consuming info by autistic people about experiences, perspectives on life, etc.

    22. Blackcat*

      I really recommend therapy for you to help deal with the grief/disappointment.
      For your child, the diagnosis is likely going to be a good and helpful thing! But it will he harder for him if he feels like it’s something *you’re* grieving over. As a teacher, I saw a fair number of teens get diagnosis of autism or ADHD, and for all of them, it was like a weight lifted off their shoulders. Rather than feeling bad for not coping well with school, they had autism and now could learn to do better. Feeling “different” is far, far easier than feeling “bad” which is how many neurodiversel kids without diagnoses feel. There’s a lot of shame around different needs, and having a diagnosis can help relieve that shame.
      He is still your same child. His challenges will be *less* now that there is a diagnosis that helps lead to appropriate therapies. The diagnosis is ought to be good news in his life. He *will* pick up on you feeling like it’s a thing to grieve, and you need to do the work to process those feelings in order to best support him.

    23. RagingADHD*

      Analogy: When I was in kindergarten, apparently nobody expected the students to be able to read at all. So there was a collection of Babar books on the shelf, in French.

      I picked one up and tried to read it, and absolutely freaked out. I thought I’d suddenly forgotten how to read and something horrible was happening to me. I suppose I was vaguely aware that other languages existed, but certainly didn’t know how to recognize them. It terrified me.

      Then someone explained they were in another language, and immediately I stopped worrying that I was losing my mind or about to die.

      Somebody needs to tell your son that most of the people around him are speaking another “language”, so he can stop worrying about it.

      Of course your son’s other MH issues are a factor in how well he takes this onboard, but as a late-diagnosed ADHDer I generally consider getting the right dx to be great news that should be shared with him ASAP.

      I understand your difficult feelings, but the dx means he isn’t broken, his feelings aren’t wrong, and his difficulties aren’t because he’s screwing up or not trying hard enough. This can be a huge relief for him.

      He is wired differently. And there is a lot of information and community out there to help him mediate between the way his insides work, and the way the world is set up for the majority.

      You can understand him better. He can understand himself better. He can understand how to navigate the world better.

      When he’s working with the natural flow of his neurology instead of fighting against it, everything else can get a bit easier.

    24. Woolly Jumper*

      Hi there! I’m an elementary school teacher, so my comment is coming from that perspective- I think it’s best to tell your son, as it can be empowering to know “wow, there’s a word for why I’m different, there are other kids like me” and keeping it secret can send the message that being autistic is shameful or something to keep hidden. Also, as he grows up (and 10 is old enough to start this) self-advocacy will be super important, so feeling confident and proud of his identity as an autistic person can start now! I know the time around receiving a diagnosis can be really stressful and scary for parents, but you will make it, and having the diagnosis means he will have access to sped experts and school resources to support him. Also I’d encourage you/your husband to dig into why you want to wait to tell him- our culture sends a lot of negative, ableist messages around disability and autism, so working on unpacking those in yourselves can help you to better support your son. You’ve got this!!

  13. Family Estrangement*

    Family estrangement question

    Has anyone here struggled with family estrangement (yours or a partner’s)?

    My husband’s family is lovely on paper. Southern charm with a large helping of family pitching in to support each other. In reality the family rules and expectations are deeply hierarchical and often cruel with a heavy pour of sexism and racism. As an example, one uncle told his daughter in law she needed to have four kids because “the Mexicans are breeding” (I’m Hispanic, though didn’t yet have any kids) and “All Indians eat with their hands”. I was present for the second one and pushed back but he doubled down (!).

    My husband is the son of the lowest ranking member of the prior generation. She was an oopsie baby 17 years younger than the first child and they have never let her forget it. At one point her brother literally told her she killed their dad. So, dysfunction on a lot of levels across the decades. My husband was born and grew up pretty poor but has gone on to be quite successful as a military officer. But every time we went home, he was the same dumb poor kid everyone expected to be able to order around or mock (“jokingly”) even into his thirties. We now understand why a few other extended family members have left the family and literally never returned.

    Once we had a kid, we realized how badly we wanted to protect him from the kind of pain my husband endured. His mother couldn’t protect him (it’s own depressing saga) and she has always sided with her family, up to and including leaving us alone on her only grandson’s first Christmas after a blowout with the racist uncle and his awful wife because she *had* to cook everyone breakfast. We didn’t see her that day even though we were only 30 minutes away.

    So. It’s a lot. And it probably sounds like regular garden variety family dysfunction but it’s taken years of therapy and a LOT of reading to get here (highly recommend “will I ever be good enough” by Karyl McBride). COVID was an excellent buffer in 2020 on why we’re not traveling to see these people. And we’re moving this summer to be many many states away.

    And yet despite all of this, it really hurts my husband to not have a family. And estrangement, while apparently common, is an often silent trauma. People are starting to understand and talk about things like mental health and depression but the stigma around family estrangement is excruciating. Forgiveness and a happy hallmark ending aren’t always possible (ask any number of LBGT teens tossed out by their families).

    I guess what I’m asking is, has anyone here been estranged from family? How did you manage? Does it ever feel less soul crushingly awful? What did you do for funerals? Have you found a useful support group or other resources?

    Folks who have loving families (as do I), please be kind. If you haven’t experienced this level of toxicity closely, it’s far too easy to give “straight talk”/“common sense” reconciliation/conversation advice that is quite painful. I know it is to be expected on an online forum but I’ve always found the AAM community to be exceptional.

    1. Kiwiapple*

      I was estranged with my dad and his wife after an argument for 2 years. It gave me strength and space to figure out what I wantee from that relationship. It was only after going to counselling (about a different matter but related) that I felt strong enough to not let the phone go to voicemail and actually have a conversation. But it was on my terms when and how I got in touch.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Thank you for sharing your experience! What criteria helped you feel comfortable reaching out again?

        We’re current low contact (LC) with his mom. I think he would prefer no contact, but the hardwiring is pretty strong that he needs to be a “good son”. After a number of years of watching him be guilt tripped and gaslit I mentioned that in an abusive marriage, it’s not possible to be a “good spouse”. And we don’t hold it against people for leaving the partners who hurt them. Yet family is supposed to be fixable with just one more conversation. That helped us significantly scale back on many of the unspoken but very much mandatory visits. We know that there is love there but the good moments are so fleeting while the negativity can trigger really intense anxiety or depression lasting for days or weeks. Therapy helps but to use the abused spouse analogy (with great respect for those who have endured those relationships!) it’s hard to heal when active harm continues.

        1. Kiwiapple*

          My counselling involved a lot of work regarding being more confident in using my voice and words and being heard. And because I felt like I could apply that, within the estranged relationship, one day I just picked up the phone to answer it rather than avoid it. I chose that action. I wasn’t told to do it by anyone.

          I don’t know if that’s helpful or not.

          1. Family Estrangement*

            We love the term “use your words” and have found it super helpful in our marriage.

            For me it was really hard to watch this strong, confident person who has accomplished so much and is an authority figure for >100 people kind of shut down when we were around his family. Most people have a hard time not reverting to old patterns when home with their parents (ex. Always feeling a bit like a teenager at moms house) but his body had all these memories and protective mechanisms that would always override in the moment. The Body Keeps The Score helped us understand some of those dynamics.

            I hadn’t considered NC as a way to potentially salvage LC down the line. Thank you for the perspective. And I agree that making the *choice* from a positions of strength and not guilt/shame/obligation/fear is so incredibly empowering!

        2. Crispy Pork*

          It’s difficult to draw an arbitrary line defining when to go from low contact to no contact whatsoever. If my personal experience helps at all, I went to NC when two factors collided: (1) my mum was refusing to respect my boundaries and (2) I wasn’t strong enough to defend said boundaries, resulting in weeks of depression.

          I realised I needed to heal before I could have even low contact with my mum. I would be okay for awhile; then when she crossed said boundaries it would trigger weeks of depression, setting back all the work I did for my mental health. There was no way I could recover as long as my mum kept sabotaging my progress, however well intentioned she may be. I’m in the process of accepting She Is Who She Is and once I get there, maybe I will have the energy to respond to her boundary crossing with little more than an eye roll. But right now I am too angry, upset, and depressed to respond with resilience.

          1. Family Estrangement*

            This is SO similar to our experience. Sometimes all it takes is a shitty text or a short call to derail the whole day/week. Actual physical visits require weeks of emotional recovery. On good days I have a lot of compassion for how terrible her life has been. She had an awful childhood, a cruel husband who cheated constantly, her own oopsie baby, is in poor health, and then she hates her job. But she also makes terrible choices! And turns into a waterworks martyr at any conflict or difficult conversation. It’s exhausting.

            1. Texan In Exile*

              But just because you have had a crummy life doesn’t mean you can treat others badly. :(

            2. Crispy Pork*

              I hear you. My dad went through horrendous abuse during his childhood. If there was a movie about his childhood people probably wouldn’t watch because it would be too much.

              Knowing his childhood, it was so difficult for me to hold my dad accountable to the hurt he inflicted on me. I knew he loved me and would die to protect me if need be; but he was emotionally absent and made WTF choices as a parent. As soon as I became an adult I very much had to parent him rather than the other way around. My mum was an enabler in that whenever he hurt me deeply she would say “Oh but dad loves you so much, it’s just his awful childhood that made him this way.” The underlying message was that I had no right to be sad or angry because he had a good enough excuse to hurt my feelings repeatedly. It messed me up a lot and I tolerated toxic and even abusive behaviour from other people. Even now I struggle to draw boundaries without wondering if I suffered ‘enough’. I’m still in therapy.

              1. NoLongerYoung*

                This… light bulb moment for me. Thank you for sharing this insight. I just realized this is why my own situation (I “know” why they were awful…) still hurts:
                The underlying message was that I had no right to be sad or angry because he had a good enough excuse to hurt my feelings repeatedly. It messed me up a lot and I tolerated toxic and even abusive behavior from other people. Even now I struggle to draw boundaries without wondering if I suffered ‘enough’.

        3. Joie de Vivre*

          Thank you for the abused spouse analogy. I’m estranged from my twin sister. People don’t understand. But my life is so much better without the turmoil having her in my life causes. We are very low (basically no contact) unless it is something to do with our mother.

          Honestly, I wish I would have gone no contact years before I did.

          Not what you asked, but I can’t imagine circumstances to establish contact again.

          To give an example of how bad our relationship was before no contact- in our 30s she burned me in effigy while I was standing next to her. That sort of thing from her was so normal that at the time it happened I just rolled my eyes.

          1. Family Estrangement*

            I’m so glad it was helpful! I hated seeing him hold himself to a literally impossible standard. If your best friend treated you the way your twin sister did, no one would blink at ending the friendship. I’m so sorry people aren’t more understanding. This random internet stranger agrees with you and supports the hard choices you’ve had to make!

        4. Not So NewReader*

          “it’s hard to heal when active harm continues.”

          This is super important that you and your hubby see this and understand it.

          Ever get a papercut at work first thing in the morning? For some unknown reason you manage to smack that fresh papercut on everything in sight all day long. By the time you go home, that little stinkin’ papercut REALLY hurts.
          And this is just talking about a papercut.

          Human hurts, emotional/psychological hurts, can grow expediently each time a new injury occurs. (The new injury is not actually big, but the pain from it is HUGE.) In order to get that papercut to knit closed, we have to put a bandaid on it. We have to isolate the wounded area and protect it from further harm until it reknits. Sometimes we have to do that for our hearts and minds also. We have to step back and allow our hearts and minds to reknit.

          My story is much tamer than a lot of other people’s stories. I always felt that 20 years of damage growing up would take 20 more years to re-work. Argumentatively, I could have set myself up for a long haul by thinking this way. On the other hand, it’s reasonable to assume that 20 years of hurt is not going to “fix” itself inside of a few months or few years. I do think that the time it takes is the time it takes. Therefore, we are all different as to how we process our live experiences.

          One curious and odd thing I learned that might be of interest to you is this: Toxic families fill up our lives, our days and our minds. There’s very little room for the good people to get into our lives because our families or other toxic person fills up so much space in our lives. Unfairly, sometimes to get good people in, we have to let go of the toxic people first. This is kind of like stepping off a ledge because we have NO way of knowing who will come into our lives and start to fill all. the. gaps. we have in our lives.

          We can go for a while floundering. And this can be scary. A good rule of thumb is that when you meet a quality person, they will probably lead you to more quality people. You can kind of see it playing out here on AAM. People read for a while and after a bit they start commenting or asking questions. Quality attracts more quality. And this happens in real life also. Go one person at a time. So let’s say Bob from work tells your hubby, “Hey, you might want to check out this book club I belong to.” Hubby decides that Bob is a good person so he goes ONCE to meet the book club. Then he decides later whether to join or not join. It’s an inch by inch process.

          One suggestion I have for the future is that your hubby may want to eventually connect with people who have already left the family. These people will still be kin but they may tend to be more like minded with your hubby. Some of the family I have connected with are pretty interesting, they like talking about present time and what is going on NOW. Well, this serves two purposes: It puts the past in the past. And the second purpose is it fills in the knowledge gaps, the lost learning opportunities that happened because of disfunction. “We have some catching up to do, let’s do it.”

          1. Family Estrangement*

            That paper cut analogy is lovely! The scar just keeps getting deeper and wider each time. We are so hopeful to cultivate some found family once we move away. I don’t want the next decade of our life to be consumed with this trauma and hurt. Especially because of our son! We want to meet good people (agree that AAM is amazing!) and build a different life.

      2. pancakes*

        I have been off and on estranged from family and it’s never felt awful to me – to the contrary, I’ve always thought being able to get away and make a new life elsewhere has been a great fortune, and a source of freedom, comfort, and release. My boyfriend of many years is similar with his family, though a bit more extreme in every way – they treated him worse, downright abusive at times, and years ago hired a private investigator to track him down. Our mutual interest in getting away from our families and finding our own people is probably a key part of why we get along as well as we do.

        You can decide what to do about funerals on a case by case basis.

    2. WS*

      Is it possible to cultivate relationships with individual members of the family? My partner was going to be estranged from her entire family with the exception of one younger sister but it turned out that one particular family member was driving the appalling treatment, and once she cut contact with that one person, she formed different and better relationships with all but two of the others (who gave into that one person’s tantrums and minimised contact). The “family unit” turned out not to be a unit at all, but a group of people all stuck in the decades-long pattern of catering to that one controlling person at all costs.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah… that’s my family. It’s really weird, because my parents are still married and cohabitate, but I pretty much don’t talk to my mother at all, while I talk to my dad weekly, and this dynamic has stretched back years, if not even a couple of decades.

        And yeah… growing up, the mantra was “don’t upset your mother.” *Everything* was *always* about what mom wanted… to the point where I skipped my senior year of high school and moved out of my mother’s house. And even then, my mother fought me on that too, and we never once had an adult discussion about what was best for *me*. Not even once.

        After that, I decided my life was better by minimizing my mother’s presence in it.

    3. Jessi*

      I feel like Reddit could be a good place for you and your husband. There are a couple of forums: justnomil – for people with difficult and not nice mothers in laws/mothers and justnofamily- for people with tricky families. I feel like this may be a good resource for you as all the posters there will get it. They have had to put in place boundaries (usually that someone has tried to stomp all over), go low or no contact and in some places cut members out.

      It’s such a hard situation and I wish you all the best xx I also want to briefly chime in and say protecting your son from it is 100% the right thing to do. Not much harder than knowing you are unwanted

      1. Family Estrangement*

        I’ve been to JustNoMil but didn’t know about JustNoFamily – thank you for the recommendation! It’s definitely been tricky to have folks focus on just MIL or just FIL when, to be honest, multiple members of each family are toxic. There’s one good one on his moms side and a couple good ones on his dad’s side but we’ve struggled to maintain direct relationships without being honest about the abuse. Plus certainly they have seen some of it with their own eyes. It would be too painful to tell them and have them still choose the hurtful relatives instead of us.

    4. Complicated Family*

      My situation is different and perhaps not useful–it wasn’t the whole family and the problems weren’t so overt but instead quite subtle. Also, I didn’t end up actually going no contact with that family member.

      However, I did make myself come to terms with that possibility emotionally and that was very helpful for me. So, I spent time thinking about what circumstances would cause me to say no more, what I wanted out of the relationship (and wasn’t getting), what no contact or low contact would look like, how I would feel and what I could do about it. In a sense I did some pre-grieving. Or real grief about the realities of the actual relationship I had versus that which I was hoping and wishing for.

      With that sorted out in my head, I had a much easier time drawing boundaries and holding them. I wasn’t grieving at the same time, or at least no so rawly.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        The pre-grieving is real! It’s letting go of the relationship you wish you had because that person just can’t be what you need them to be. I’m one layer away from the mess (though I am very low contact with a few folks in my family). I’ve always found the “but what if they DIE before you reconcile” peculiar. As if the other person doesn’t also have choices in the way they contact or treat you. The cultural narrative around forgiveness can be brutal for abusive situations because it demands/expects forgiveness without any kind of apology or even future behavior change.

        1. Hotdog not dog*

          You can forgive someone without any input from their side whatsoever. I had a terribly toxic relative who I cut contact with years ago. There is no need for us to reconcile, he lives his life and I live mine. His behavior is not my problem. Occasionally I will hear second or third hand news of him from other family members, and I can honestly respond, “too bad for him, not my problem.” I forgave him for me, not for him. I just couldn’t give up the mental energy to maintain either a relationship or a grudge, but I’d be waiting for Satan’s ice rink to open for business if I waited for an apology or any meaningful change. It wasn’t easy, but I basically decided to forgive the past behavior and refuse to accept any future behavior. That meant severely limiting contact from my side, which led to him cutting me off entirely. (His side of the story is that I am selfish because I didn’t help him financially when he had some legal consequences from a drug problem, but that actually barely scratches the surface.) If he ever were to legitimately get his act together, I would still wish him well but I don’t want him in my life.

          1. Family Estrangement*

            I completely hear what you’re saying. I think my husband is willing to let go of many of the emotional ties without actually forgiving. I’m not sure if that makes sense as I type it out. He will never forgive certain things from his childhood. But he will eject the mental and emotional energy of managing the memory/person. All or most of the benefits of mental forgiveness without needed to send any more compassion down the black hole of abuse.

            I think that’s what you were getting at, and we’re getting there. I don’t think we have enough distance to feel apathetic/calm about this stuff. It’s still too raw even after years of therapy :\.

            Still, it’s good to hear what it can look like from the other side!!

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Just as forgiveness serves a purpose, I often think that the LACK of forgiveness fills another purpose.

              Maybe the perpetrator needs to fully understand that their harm they inflicted has caused a life-long result. With some people that is the only thing they understand is when the response is hard and heavy. It’s sort of the psychological equivalent of dropping a concrete wall on their narrow thinking.

              1. Family Estrangement*

                Yep! They have not earned the luxury of a clean conscience. We won’t play pretend happy family anymore. And if that makes them uncomfortable, well, it should!

            2. Sueb*

              People who seriously question that you had to do this or push forgiveness and to forget don’t have to go back to being mistreated. You do. Any decent person will get it.

              1. Family Estrangement*

                I’ve come to realize that many of the enablers do know that something is wrong. It’s simply more convenient for them to have someone else be down range of the firing squad. Otherwise, gasp, they might have to endure mistreatment instead.

    5. Might Be Spam*

      Estrangement doesn’t feel good, but it is better than staying in a horrible situation. Estrangement isn’t about punishing anyone, it’s about protecting yourself.

      I blocked my family and I’m using the time to heal and learn what healthy relationships are like. I’m learning what healthy boundaries are and how to recognize when someone is starting to cross them. I finally believe that I am worthy of respect and it makes maintaining boundaries easier.

      I expected to feel guilty about blocking my family, but instead, I feel relieved. I feel safer because they can’t attack me. I still wish for a Hallmark family, but the more I learn, the more I realize that they are never going to be what I need.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        This was so validating to read (though I am so sorry to hear how common this seems to be!). You are exactly right about how estrangement doesn’t feel good. It painful for folks to tell us that we’re being selfish somehow. We don’t feel *good*, we’re just desperate to avoid active harm. I recently blocked some of his family’s phone numbers (part of my trigger for posting here) and you nailed it on the relief. I didn’t realize how much of a grenade some of those messages would throw in my day.

        1. pancakes*

          It isn’t selfish to not want to spend time with racists and bullies. It’s self-protective.

          1. Family Estrangement*

            I appreciate this! We’ve been in survival mode for so long and it’s comforting to hear other people’s validating reactions. Like, there aren’t any other relationships where we’d be ok with this kind of treatment. But family is treated like this really strange exception.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed. A healthy reaction is to extract oneself. A less healthy reaction is to stay in the situation hoping for things to get better when there is no plan for any improvement ever.

            Sometimes healthy things hurt- exercise, diet, preventative shots in the arm… These things are not always great in the moment. We harvest the benefit later on.

    6. Detective Rosa Diaz*

      I have gone no-contact with both (divorced) parents at different starting points. I was never close to my mom’s family. As a result of the dynamics on my dad’s side (warm support of him and baffled and continued lack of support for my boundaries towards him) I now don’t have many family relationships at all.
      I don’t mind about either parent OR about my mom’s side, but I do have a lot of hurt about my dad’s side.
      For my own emotional health I am holding fast to the boundaries (I.e. didn’t tell most of them about my new foster son), but it is a source of pain. I miss the lowkey family comfort, having little visits, the sense of belonging that folks with good family relationships describe. I also felt terribly alone with the new life changes (foster placement) and of course the pandemic.
      How i manage:
      – only discuss with trusted people so as to avond judgment and criticism
      – hold fast. In the past I gave new chances and it never worked out. Now I have peace of mind.
      – always have a plan + a few lines ready about the major holidays, because people very innocently always make assumptions and show an interest and it helped to have some standard answers ready (“Oh, just quiet time this year”, “Actually we are not close. (Subject change)”)
      – know who is important (mostly my aunt) and prioritise them. When my other aunt died I did go to her funeral. It was awkward. My father took the opportunity to interact of course but I was able to stay close to some cousins and sit with them for the meal.
      – discussed all this in therapy. For a long time I felt shame, like this reflects on my worth. Good therapy helped with that (some).

      Best of luck to you both!

      1. Family Estrangement*

        I am honestly floored by how similar this is for us. I hadn’t gone into my husband’s dad’s side of the family because it’s a whole other wreck but you described it perfectly! He was a terrible husband and father (cheating multiple times, didn’t want a kid, never invested time or funds in his son, very emotionally volatile, drank too much) but by all appearances, he seems to have been a good son and half decent brother. He was also a police officer and military reserves so a member of the community. This dude still, in the year *2021*, finds is funny to say the word “colored” to talk about black folks.

        And yet, Grandma thinks he walks on air. And that my husband must not be close to him because he didn’t attend enough basketball games in high school (?!?). So every. single. conversation. with her involves a detail into how he needs to forgive his dad. Lots of spiritual references included. It’s a bit of a miracle my husband hasn’t exploded yet.

        We tried having a relationship with the one aunt and uncle we like, but they’ve had to pull back at least once because my husbands dad pitched a crybaby fit about it. Which, for us, means we can’t completely trust them and that’s sad. They’re lovely and it’s not their fault, it’s just sad.

        We miss the low key family comfort. I actually enjoyed Thanksgiving with the cousins on his dad’s side. But if we cut off his dad, we lose access to all group gatherings where people make the trip to be together. We could try to hang out with cousins individually but it not the same as feeling like you have a family around the holidays.

        Thank you for sharing your experience with the funeral – I think that was a brilliant strategy!

    7. Crispy Pork*

      I have recently cut ties with my mum and have gone low contact with my dad. Like your husband I struggle with the guilt – I have always thought the onus was on me to pretend my parents didn’t hurt my feelings rather than requiring them to stop hurting me. But therapy has helped tremendously. I think of therapy vs no therapy as crashing into a pavement with vs without a helmet.

      Family estrangement sucks. I only cut ties with my mum as it was the lesser of two evils. When I’m not angry I miss her. But I know I have no mental strength to maintain contact with mum right now. Maybe next year, or possibly later, I will make contact – only when I’ve emotionally recovered enough to defend my boundaries; because she will cross them.

      Fortunately I haven’t experienced a lot of stigma about my situation. That’s because I don’t tell people who I know are likely to make a hurtful comment. All of my friends who do know have been supportive.

      Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is an excellent book which validated my feelings towards my parents and offered helpful, practical tips on how to deal with my parents and my feelings about our relationship. It’s opened my eyes to toxic behaviour which I previously didn’t register. Like your MIL, both my parents experienced significant trauma in their lives. So while they are inherently good people, they have toxic beliefs and boundary problems which I have normalised my entire life.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Love the helmet analogy! And yes that it’s the lesser of two evils (with both still excruciating). Figuring how what boundaries are reasonable and then effectively enforcing them has been a years long learning experience. My heart hurts for him every time he lowers his expectations and they find still more ways to disappoint. I wouldn’t say that his parents are inherently bad people. They’ve had tough lives. But they make a whole lot of terrible choices.

    8. Jay*

      I was the kid in your family. My father’s mother was manipulative and vindictive. By the time I was born she wasn’t speaking to my mother, and when I was 3 she told the entire family that my mother wouldn’t allow my father to go go his cousin’s funeral (in reality he was out of town and didn’t know his cousin had died because his mother refused to call the house and talk to my mother). After that, he told his mother that she was welcome in his home and in his life as long as she treated his wife with the respect she deserved. She never spoke to him again. He also lost his sister and the rest of his extended family. He never regretted it; as far as he was concerned, it was his mother’s choice and his mother’s loss.

      I know that my brother and I were better off growing up without her in our lives. She would have tried to weaponize us against our mother, used money to manipulate us (she tried that with my father for years), and/or treated us like second-class citizens compared to her other grandchildren. I wish my parents had talked about it more – for much of my childhood it was a deep mystery and a forbidden topic. My father never talked about it. It would have been better for us if he had.

      You can set the boundaries you need to set without officially cutting them off. Explain what you need and how you wish to be treated, and if they don’t/can’t do that, you hang up the phone or leave. They have the power to change their behavior, and if they don’t, you can interrupt the cycle of abuse by holding your boundaries. It is HARD and it is sad. It can also be life-saving. Gentle hugs if you want them.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Thank you so much for sharing this perspective!! I know my husband wished his mom had protected him more. As a kid, you trust your parents and trust the people they bring into your life. We know now that she was too dependent on them to strike out on her own. And she still is (literally lives in her sister’s rental house). But we are fully independent and we have a chance to protect our son.

        We will do a better job of talking to our son about his family from a young age so that it’s not some terrible reveal or forbidden mystery. Sometimes people hurt us, and it’s ok to not spend time with those people. Heck, maybe it’ll be a good early lesson for him on the importance of boundaries.

        I don’t think we plan to officially cut them off since that raises the stakes for possible reconciliation down the line. But I like the idea of carving out even firmer boundaries.

        1. Jay*

          If your kids are aware that their grandparents and other relatives are no longer in their lives, please explain to them that it isn’t their fault. I had seen my father’s mother regularly (without my mother) until I was 3, and then she was gone. I’ve recently started to unpack the wound that left. I still think my father did the right thing regarding his mother – but pretending it never happened was very much not the right thing.

          1. Family Estrangement*

            Our son is very young (he turned 1 during the pandemic) so I don’t think he would actually recognize any of these family members but it’s helpful to keep in mind that even very young kids can grow attached and that it’s part of our job as parents to put him around good people. Far easier to keep folks outside the door than try to evict them from the house later!

    9. Bucky Barnes*

      I was estranged from my father. I did talk to him numerous times and try to fix things. But when that didn’t resolve anything I cut off contact. He passed away a year later due to chronic health issues. I don’t regret the estrangement because it was the only way I could get some peace. My mental health had suffered because of the issues with him.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        This is more or less what I’m expecting to happen with my husband and his dad. He’s accepted that he was a terrible father. And that he doesn’t care for him as a person. There’s still some lingering nostalgia/southern obligation, but he won’t be sad when he passes. Of course we still have to get through the next 10-30 years first.

      2. Family Estrangement*

        Not to say you weren’t sad! But I understand why you didn’t regret the estrangement. The more I learn about mental health the more I see how my husband keeps getting dragged back into really dark and painful mental spaces after interaction with family.

    10. Batgirl*

      When you block the people who do direct harm, there’s usually a second round of blocking you have to do with the silent enablers or pushy status quo types. It’s sad, but most people actually do understand abuse and unhappiness on a primal level. It’s not a mystery to those of us who grew up in happy homes. Homes are happy because when someone says “stop”, people stop. It’s not that the enablers misunderstand, it’s that they don’t care. The abuse is not that bad for them and they think you can work around it. Eventually you get to a point where only safe people are in your space.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        THIS. One. Thousand. Times. This.

        I think it’s from Captain Awkward but the term “Flying Monkeys” ala the Wizard of Oz has been used. The enablers who are dispatched or who take it upon themselves to bring you back in line.

        It would be easier for everyone if we just kept playing our role the “Happy Family!” play. And we’re the bad guys for ruining the play even though the script for our role is dehumanizing, our costumes haven’t been washed in 30 years and there’s an actual problem person taking an actual live dump on stage every time there we’re just supposed to ignore.

        Hard pass.

    11. Lizabeth*

      I don’t have any experience about estrangement, however I’d like to say that “family” isn’t limited to blood relatives. You can and should collect your own “family” of people that you respect and respect you. Then keep contact or no contact with blood relatives as you see fit. You don’t owe them anything, regardless of what they are saying.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Agreed! We’re not located somewhere we can really put down roots so it’s been a little harder to develop a “found” family. Hoping to really dive in when we move this summer! (And we have invested in a couple of lovely college friends).

    12. c-*

      I’m very low contact with my mom and keep many family members at a distance for a variety of reasons. What has helped me:

      – Captain Awkward’s blog archives (look through her tags to filter her advice by topic) are invaluable. I cannot recommend her enough. You two go read her at your own pace.

      – Instead of making any “hardset” choices (“I will cut X off once and for ever”) I take it on a case by case basis. I evaluate what outcome I want, how much energy I can pour into it, and what’s the most likely strategy to get me that. Then I act accordingly. I also don’t announce the boundary to the boundaried person, just quietly behave however I need to.

      – I take lots of breaks: when I’m sad or angry, to grieve for what I deserved from my family and didn’t get. After dealing with family, to recharge.

      Hope this helps!

      1. Family Estrangement*

        I LOVE Captain Awkward. Her blog actually started this journey for us many years ago. She has an incredible way of naming otherwise invisible things. Like, you know something is wrong but you can’t quite explain how. And if you can’t name it, maybe it isn’t real. But it IS real.

        Agreed on avoiding any kind of boundary announcement. The things that have worked so far have been slowly and steadily racheting down expectations. No we won’t be visiting as often. We don’t always pick up the phone. Texts/emails can take a while.

    13. Family cutoff*

      I am estranged from most of my family, and very low contact with most others. And you’re right, there is little understanding from others, and a whole lot of stigma around people who are estranged from family.
      For me, it’s been a very good thing. Broken patterns of abuse, freedom and space to forgive. I can breathe. I can let my guard down. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and ending the cycle. I feel stronger.
      It’s a challenge when I see/hear people talking about how AMAZING their parent is and they say things like “My mom is the best! But then, aren’t all moms?” or “My dad is nothing special, he’s just like all dads, but I’m always amazed at the depth of his love and support for me.” – I feel a deeper sense of what I never had, and I feel unseen. No, all moms or all dads are not like yours. I’m here. And I’m not the only one.
      So I stay off social media entirely the week of mothers and fathers day.
      I hate, hate, hate, hate it when people say stuff like “at least your mom’s not DEAD LIKE MINE.” (and yes, that’s happened multiple times with multiple people! I can recognize that the loss of your mom is hard for you, why can’t you understand that the presence of mine is hard for me?) or “I don’t’ understand how someone could do something like that to their parents AFTER ALL THEY DID FOR YOU RAISING YOU.” I don’t usually want to tell them about all the hell I went through at the hands of my parents, but short of spilling all about what I’ve been through, it’s hard to reply to that. People I don’t even know well push me to reconcile! Like the receptionist at the dentist who went to high school with my brother. She recognized me, asked how they were, I said I don’t know, I don’t talk to them any more, she kept telling me I *HAD TO* fix that! I have never been so relieved to to go to the dentist’s chair.
      I end up just not telling people that I’m estranged from my parents. In situations like that now I just say “They’re good, thanks” and change the subject.
      Even my husband had a hard time understanding. He does his best to be supportive, but I can tell he really has no concept that parents can be less than a good thing. He will periodically do things like trying to cheer me up by asking me to tell him things from my childhood. Things like “I appreciate how hard you’re working to make Christmas fun for our kids. Remember how magical Christmas was as a kid? Tell me about what it was like to feel that as a kid.” …….aaaaaand I got nothing. So I feel worse. He just can’t wrap his head around it, because his experience was all great. (My inlaws are amazing people I love dearly!) He’s learning, and it doesn’t happen as much any more, but it’s definitely something we have to work through.
      I’ve been able to block my parents on all social media and from contacting me by email. Unfortunately, there’s no way to block the USPS from delivering letters and packages and my parents continue to send stuff weekly, so I don’t even get my own mail any more. (It’s been 7 years since the last straw.)
      Weddings and funerals have been tricky. When we have gone, my husband sticks to my side like glue and we avoid my parents. Another sibling has at times run interference so I didn’t have to talk to them a few times. But it’s always stressful.

      1. Not a Hallmark family*

        I identify with this! I haven’t gone NC with my family, but there are boundaries and they are there for a reason, even if my husband doesn’t understand. However, in the last couple of months, my sister was having a hard time and she lashed out at me in texts, which I read to my husband (and he had been a witness to how it all unfolded). He’s made comments in the past with a tone (that I was careful to parse out whether I was just feeling defensive or whether he was making a negative judgment about me) about how I’m not close to my family. Now, he understands.

        Finally, after all these years of experiencing the dysfunction of all of them (and being part of it), I did not retaliate at all to my sister’s texts or even explain all she got wrong. I know she’s wrong, I know she was going through something very stressful, and while I feel a sort of objective compassion for her, I don’t really care what she wrote (some of it was really nasty). It also helps me some that my husband saw the whole unfolding and how being too involved with my family is just too destructive.

        It helps we haven’t seen each other because of COVID, but I will continue my practice of showing up to the things I want to, be a pleasant guest, and then leave it all behind. It used to bother me a lot that I was expected to show up for everything, while it was clear no one really cared once I was actually there. Now, I kind of look at it like I am fulfilling an obligation that’s important to ME, and I choose which obligations. That my attendance somehow pacifies them is irrelevant. Doesn’t mean there isn’t sometimes some awkwardness, but I can deal with that. I only wish I could have arrived at this understanding of it all years ago.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        “My mom is the best! But then, aren’t all moms?” or “My dad is nothing special, he’s just like all dads, but I’m always amazed at the depth of his love and support for me.” – I feel a deeper sense of what I never had, and I feel unseen.

        I love how articulate this community is.
        This is so true, getting out into the world and actually seeing what could have been, what should have been actually drives UP the grief and sense of loss. For a while, that is.

        One day I was sitting with a group of women friends. One said, “And mom and I are going to lunch on Tuesday.” I was tired and not thinking. I caught myself just in time because I almost said, “WHY on this green earth would you do THAT?!” Duh. Because it’s not me and not my mother. That’s why. drrr.
        I was 48 years old.
        I ended up saying to myself how much longer am I going to continue to be blind-sided by these little “gotcha’s”?
        I did find some rest in the hard truth. I realized that the “gotcha’s” are going to crop up for the rest of my life. They will be further apart, and less of them. But they will always be there. I learned to quietly say to myself, “Yep. That’s so not me. But I’m okay anyway.” I can choose to reassure my own self, even though my mother would not try to reassure me.

      3. Family Estrangement*

        You’ve described the stigma perfectly! I cringed reading the “at least your mother’s not DEAD LIKE MINE.” It’s startling how many people take poor family relationships in *other people* as some kind of personal affront or problem that needs to be solved. Or else do not pass go do not collect $200 proceed directly to that the estranged child must be some kind of psychopath. In the most generous interpretation I think they’re just deeply sheltered and simply cannot bear to imagine child abuse. And it’s simply too exhausting (and not your job!) to educate every person along the way.

        I was in your husband’s shoes and I started reading a lot of blogs and books to better understand what my husband experienced. It was… a start. I still don’t fully understand (not possible) but at least I’m not actively causing pain I think. And he knows that I 100% support whatever decisions he makes with his family.

        I really appreciate you sharing your experience and I wish you much joy in all things ahead!!

      4. Dan*

        “AFTER ALL THEY DID FOR YOU RAISING YOU”

        Well, it’s funny, because in the US at least, your parents have a legal obligation to raise you until you’re 18. So… we’re supposed to thank them for meeting their legal obligations as a parent? Never mind that most/many people have children because they actually wanted to. (As for college, I paid my own way and have the student loans to prove it, TYVM. I can, however, thank my parents for cosigning them!)

        As for me, I describe my mother as physically present but emotionally absent.

        1. Batgirl*

          This is what my partner’s mother says, when she wants him to repay stuff that extended family did to help them after his dad abandoned them.. in all honesty it wasn’t much. They occasionally bought him something for school. She never does them any thank you favors herself of course, other than nag her son to suck up on her behalf.
          I always pipe up cheerfully “Don’t you mean when they helped you? P was a child, and obviously children don’t owe anyone anything for being raised!” She has stopped saying it when I’m there, and has stopped talking about what she herself “did for you” entirely because my partner always says “like what?” these days.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          “AFTER ALL THEY DID FOR YOU RAISING YOU”

          And herein lies the rub. You got married, had babies because you were supposed to do that. It was a social expectation/obligation. (When I was a kid.)

          My mother did not want me. She had me because society expected her to produce babies, after marriage of course. She was VERY clear on this point, so it’s not something I am assuming. “You have to have babies….it’s expected from you.” she told me.

          It probably made sense to people then that I should thank her for filling her obligation. It was sacrifice and severe hardship on her part so I needed to say thank you. Eh, the ones who demanded the babies be produced can say thanks. Just my opinion.

          1. Dan*

            I’m glad you threw in the last couple of sentences, because I was about to say that we weren’t the ones who created a societal obligation on our parents to have children… those who created that obligation owe the thanks, for sure.

            BTW, I wouldn’t have suggested that you were assuming your mother’s motives with child birth. My mom was fine with little kids in the house, she was not fine when the kids weren’t little anymore. And I think my mom knew that for that a long time… she was a primary school teacher before I was born and was a sub afterwards. She would *not* touch the middle school and high school grades.

            Once I started to understand all of this, my first thought was that they spent too much time in sex ed talking about the baby making parts and the headaches of raising an infant, and not enough time talking about the part where kids actually grow up.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I have noticed more talk in recent years about some parents locked into an emotional age. Once their child gets past that age the parent is locked into, things can really start to go bad. Like me, you far surpassed your mother’s emotional age. We can’t parent our own parents.

    14. no name for this one*

      I’ve been estranged from all living family for decades now for reasons of severe abuse. So I empathize.

      I’d say it gets less soul-crushingly awful over time, but there are always going to be trigger points. Holidays suck because the expectation of “everyone has a family, everyone goes to family” is so pervasive. But at the same time, if you know “yeah, holidays are going to suck when everyone asks ‘Are you going to your parents/in-laws’…’,” then you can put in as many buffers as you can — prepared light responses as mentioned below, subject changes, making it very boring for the listener, and diverting to their plans if that’s emotionally okay to hear about.

      I gritted my teeth through my last parent’s funeral and settling their estate because I had no choice but to do so. A few years later, my sibling did something irrevocable even by the standards of extremely abusive families and I cut all ties. But if your husband doesn’t have to deal with being the executor or co-executor of an estate…there’s no reason he has to go to any funerals. He can mourn in his own way if going to a funeral is going to result in more abuse. He is not obligated to show up to take abuse.

      The fact he’s military may help in some ways in terms of glossing over any version of low or no contact he and you choose to impose. “Well, you know how it is when you’re in the military, you move around a lot…” (As a military brat, I’ve used that line to good effect.)

      I wish you both the best.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I continue to be blown away by how many thoughtful responses this question is generating. We’ve felt so alone in this, with the exception of one friend with a very cruel mother. But even then she stays in the relationship because the wider extended family is lovely.

        One of our worst fears is that the flying monkeys will come for us when one or both parents start to experience health issues (my husband is an only child). We are financially comfortable and would be willing to provide some support, but it’s like opening a black hole. The expectation will be drop-everything-to-come-home-and-help and that’s just… not going to happen without destroying his mental health (and mine). So we’re just waiting to cross that bridge when we get there.

        We may or may not skip his maternal grandmothers funeral when it happens in the next few years (she’s over 90). With feelings still as raw as they are now, I’d be scared of some kind of hostile confrontation while we’re trying to respectfully grieve. It’s just not worth it.

        1. Dan*

          Speaking of which… my biggest fear in life is that dad passes before mom. It’s unlikely short of a freak accident, but it’s still my biggest fear nonetheless. The biggest problem is that psychologically, my mother functions at a level closer to that of a pre-pubescent child, and has been like this ever since I remember, so age-related decline isn’t the issue here. She’s not able to have a coherent conversation about her cognitive and physical limitations, but does fine with dad around. Without dad? Oof. And that’s the hard part… what’s the plan for mom if dad’s not around? “We’ll face that when it happens.”

          I have a one bedroom apartment and live 600 miles away… my brother lives nearby, but it’s not right to make this his problem either.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            This is going to sound horrible, but I figured if my mother outlived my father, she’d have to go to a nursing home. Not only did I lack the skills to fully take care of her, I also had no objectivity left in my system. The likelihood that I would blow a fuse would be very high. Fortunately, I read some where that most elder abuse occurs in homes. This is because family is tired beyond comprehension and stuff happens. I was relieved to read that asking strangers to intervene is not as unfair or cruel as it sounds on the surface. I sincerely doubted my ability to be fair to her at all times. I wasn’t far off the mark, in real life it took dozens and dozens of people to take care of her. And my father was still alive. He couldn’t do it either.

            1. Dan*

              Isn’t it something how we (royal we) have gotten to the point where we have to acknowledge the realities of being human and its associated limitations as “horrible”? Taking care of people who cannot take of themselves is not a part time job. We understand that with young children, and those limitations are worse with older adults because 1) They’re physically bigger, and 2) You legally cannot make them do stuff they don’t want to.

              I cannot quit my job to care for elder care. Who is going to pay my bills? And even with permanent WFH as an option, 1) I’m not moving somewhere with no social network and 2) I can’t do two things at once.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                It’s good to drag the concept of limitations out into the light of day. I love the sentence- “Taking care of people who cannot take care of themselves is not a part time job. ” Oh my, how true that is. It actually can feel like 3 full time jobs running simultaneously.

                I really relate to your concerns here, Dan, as I ended up in the ER after wearing myself out running between two parents. My mother’s family felt that was no excuse for not taking care of them. They sincerely believed I should run between two hospitals spoon feed each parent AND hold down a full time job… in a different state. I landed in the hospital on that one.

                Even now I am trying to help an older friend who is loaded up with this magical thinking. I can’t be specific but her ideas of what “should” happen are no where near realistic. In a simple example, you go not go to the store one day and purchase 12 windows, then bring them home and install them the next day. That is not quite how that works. She thinks her responsible off-spring will be able to do this for her.

                The first example here felt like a personal condemnation at me.
                The second example, now Older Me, realizes just how much magical thinking goes on in elder care. Our medical care plans are very labor intensive and it’s fairly normal for older patients not to be able to do the plan- taking meds, getting to therapy and so on. And some folks seem to not realize how much is involved in some of the ideas they can come up with, like my friend here.

                1. Crispy Pork*

                  I can so relate to this. I had multiple mental breakdowns as a result of “raising” my parents full time. I thought if they knew how much I was suffering they would stop making demands of me. They did not.

                2. Dan*

                  “They sincerely believed I should run between two hospitals spoon feed each parent AND hold down a full time job… in a different state. I landed in the hospital on that one.”

                  Wait, did you actually *try* to do this? I suppose one of the upshots living 600 miles away is that it takes an extra large dose of delusional thinking to assume that I would just move to area where I have no roots with at the snap of the finger.

                  Let’s be clear… I’m not terribly worried about myself for this one, at least in terms of providing physical care. I’m far more concerned about my brother who lives just a few minutes away. Sure, usually “the other” sibling who can’t help physically could help financially, but that gets complicated too. I’m still renting and whatever I end up buying is going to stretch the limits of my discretionary funds, meaning there won’t be much in the way of substantive elder care funds.

                  It’s entirely possible that I am imagining a situation that will never come to fruition, but I have the mental capacity to plan, and my parents… not so much. And this is a situation that with *no* contingency planning in place isn’t going to be pretty, and some people are going to end up not very happy.

                3. Not So NewReader*

                  @ Dan. I was 21-22 at that time. They goaded me into running down to CT. I was a bad daughter etc. One month I held back the rent money because I had no money for gas. Meanwhile paying for food was an issue because of my crappy job. I went on weekends and it was brutal. I guess my body was just shutting down because I couldn’t feel things like hunger or the gas pedal. To this day, this scares the crap out of me. I stopped driving long distances alone since then.

                  Be super careful about paying bills for your parents. Precedent and all that. For me, I found the most supportive things people said came from my father’s family. “You are there. We are not. You see what is going on and you are THE best judge of how to proceed.”
                  Wow. I was/am impressed with that.
                  I think that you are wise to focus on your bro. I hope you start saying these types of things to him now, in a calmer time, so the two of you can both know where each other’s limits are and know when to drag in outside help.

                  I totally agree with saving for your house and getting your house. It was awful watching my father face bankruptcy because of her bills. But as he wisely told someone else, “Stay out of it. If I need a place to go for a few weeks while I figure out what to do next, I know I can stay with you because your place is financially secure.” He went on to point out that if that family member started trying to pay the bills they BOTH could end up on the street in a cardboard box.
                  When I did his estate, things were precarious. I looked over everything and realized that I had one more month to sell the house (small, unfinished vacation home), if not the estate would be in bankruptcy. This almost shattered me. Bankruptcy was such a BFD then. Now medical bankruptcies are pretty common and people are a whole lot less judgey. Incredibly, I sold the house in that month.

                  After what I have seen with medical bills my standard reply to anyone is “Don’t even attempt to pay your parents’ medical. You probably won’t be able to cover it.” I am sure that between my parents their out-of-pocket totaled over a half mill. Eh, my husband’s illness for 3 months was 20k out of pocket, extend that out it would be 80k for a year. That 80k does not include mortgage, heat, lights, etc. It’s just medical bills. And I am lucky, other folks have it far worse.

                  To me, paying our parents bills in old age is just another social expectation we need to be shed of. It’s no longer practical nor is it attainable.

      2. Jackalope*

        Also, at a funeral if you DO want to go, I’d recommend bringing a buffet friend who can help with whatever’s needed. Deflect the most toxic people; take the person who always makes it about them aside and let them rant at said friend for 2 min while everyone else gets a break; hang out for a bit and then say, “Hey, it’s been great but now we have to head out, nice meeting youall, bye!”; whatever is helpful. Obviously prep them beforehand so they know what you need, but that can make it more survivable.

    15. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I have a soft estrangement with my dad’s family. They’re not bad people in general, but like your husband’s family the dynamics are messed up. Dad and his siblings had a golden child/lost child/scrapegoat child dynamic, and that has resulted in lesser but still weird dynamics in my generation. I simply don’t want to deal with it, so I have distanced myself. I send Christmas cards, I actually saw my aunt this past week briefly (first time in YEARS), etc. But I don’t seek out their company or contact in general.

      For me, I don’t really feel the loss. I never had strong relationships with them due to distance and age gaps. It would be nice to have those relationships, but I get by with friends.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Yep! My husband was the scapegoat grandchild. The golden grandchild had a completely different experience. Not from grandma herself, but from the wider family. The golden child went to private school and a top ten university. My husband went to a military college and then commissioned as an officer. Fast forward and we are far far more successful and it’s like they can’t stop trying to put us back in the “right” place at the bottom of the pile.

        So glad you’re able to get by with friends. That’s the kind of future state we hope to get to!

    16. This helped me*

      Over the years, I’ve read so many books directly (or indirectly) related to this topic. To me, the one that “gets” it the most, and also gives really helpful ideas about what to do, is “Not the Price of Admission” by Laura S. Brown. It’s an extremely insightful, validating and empowering book. At least I thought so!

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Thank you so much! Just bought – should be here on Tuesday :). The more I learn, the more confident I feel that we’re making the right choice to exit stage left.

    17. Wishing You Well*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. It is tough. Your husband gets to decide how to proceed since it’s his family. You would make the choices if it were your family. Hubby’s first priority is to his mental and physical health and his immediate family (you and your child). Low and no contact might be the only practical choices.
      However, if he decides to see his family in person, you get to decide if you’re going and whether you’re taking your child. Your spouse can take a support person/people with him. Yes, he can. (I hope he doesn’t go, though.)

      Yes, I have estrangement in my family. It takes a lot of therapy, reading appropriate books and learning new skills, taking different actions than in the past. Estrangement hurts but it’s often VERY necessary. Is it selfish then? Yes, in the best possible and healthiest, life-affirming way. A person must be selfish enough to not set themselves on fire to keep someone else warm. You can mourn the family you didn’t get and the disappointment of what you got. It does get better with time, provided you start protecting yourself by changing what you’ve done in the past.
      P.S. Funerals are not command performances. You can ignore them, send a card/flowers or attend. Do what’s best for you at the time.
      Sending you the biggest Internet hugs, if you want them.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I got so much out of reading what other people have been through. Sometimes it was relief- hey this person went through Much Worse Thing and they went on and had a life. Other times, it was more like, “Oh this sounds like ME. And again, this person too is coping, look at that! I can cope, too. I can find things to help me along!”

      2. Family Estrangement*

        “Funerals are not command performances”.

        Thank you for this! And yes, as I have been on this learning journey I have backed waaaaaaay the hell off trying to provide any kind of advice. My goal these days is to listen, to validate, to problem solve what works for us, and to support his decisions (while still leaving room for my own boundaries and needs). He knows his family best, though of course I have been impacted as well.

        Hugs gratefully accepted. No one should have to navigate these things feeling so alone!

    18. Disco Janet*

      My parents and I are estranged from my father’s family. His mother and brother (my grandma and uncle) have both died since the estrangement started.

      In severe circumstances like yours and mine, I think the advice needs to be different than those who have reconciliation in mind. (For context, we’d always had a rough relationship because his family hated my mother and preferred the other grandchildren over us – but the breaking point was when I finally broke my silence about the fact that a relative had been abusing me since I was a child, and they all sided with the abuser.) It felt soul crushingly awful for me at first because I felt like it was my fault that my dad didn’t have a relationship with his family. But after some therapy…honestly? It’s pretty easy. We do not think of them as family. In general, we don’t think of them at all. The first couple years were sometimes rough around holidays and birthdays, but I really hardly ever think about it anymore, and my dad has reported the same when it does come up. They are people that used to be in our life but are now for all intents and purposes dead (some actually dead – some just dead to us.) We grieved it for a time, but like any other sort of grief, the passage of time makes it much more bearable. I think having the hard “we are done forever” was much easier than wondering and hoping if someday we would reconcile.

      For us, it’s been 16 years since we were last in touch with his family. I’d say the first two to three years were pretty difficult, but after that it rapidly got easier. Please get your husband a professional to talk to about this though, and ask some questions before booking a session to make sure they are supportive of estrangement and will not push him to reconcile.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        I am so sorry to hear that your family chose the wrong side to support. I will never understand how predators are allowed to continue harming children. Kudos to your immediate family for getting it right.

        I wish I’d had your advice on gauging therapists before I started this journey. We had a couple hiccups with people who always wanted him to go back to square one and have conversation X or Y or “forgive” and it makes you crazy. He’s found some better professional support since thankfully and I’ve used my work EAP to process some of my own fury so that I’m not dumping it on my husband to manage.

        Fingers crossed that a couple years after moving far away we’ll start feeling safe again and perhaps even a kind of stoic calm about it all.

    19. OtterB*

      There was a really excellent “Dysfunctional Families” set of discussions on the Makinglight website. I’m linking to the most recent one, which begins with links to the previous ones. https://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/016632.html

      The group is much quieter than it once was, but people do still keep an eye on it and respond to new comments, and your husband might find reading the old threads comforting in some ways. He is not alone.

      1. Family Estrangement*

        Thank you so much! Hadn’t heard of this group (and archives are my jam. I can peruse them slowly over time with the right comfort food to stay calm). I’m saving many of the comments from this thread to share with him later tonight. I’m completely blown away by the kindness here.

        1. Squeakrad*

          I’m not sure if I’m just really lucky and choosing my friends, or if the San Francisco Bay area is especially understanding, but I’ve been estranged from my family for many years and none of my friends ever batted an eye. I think everyone here understands it for an intelligent, competent person to cut off their family entirely there must be some fairly good reasons.
          I’m guessing I am much older than you – in my 60s – and my mother died quite a long time ago but I hadn’t spoken to her or interacted with her in years before she passed. She was quite ill the last 10 years of her life so I will deal with her doctors and her siblings, but we only had perfunctory hellos on occasion on the phone.

          When I finally made a decision of NC, I was quite upset and spent many therapy sessions crying about it. But literally within a few months I felt a huge weightLifted from my shoulders – my mother was quite toxic and verbally and occasionally physically abusive and I hadn’t realized that the scars ran deep while we were in contact.

          And my siblings felt entirely differently – her youngest brother was her favorite and loved her to pieces, and my little brother was her caretaker throughout her life so they do not understand why I would stop talking with her. Even though they witnessed the verbal and physical assaults. I don’t talk to my little brother anymore for a myriad of reasons, but my younger brother and I have established a gentle rapport from a distance.

          My main point with all this is that it hurts to make that decision whichever decision you make, but it can feel better and better as time goes on and you establish healthier boundaries.I absolutely miss having a family – I have wonderful friends and an incredible husband but no nuclear family to share holidays or life events with. And that ache sometimes is overwhelming. But the alternative was the life of incredible pain that would’ve been worse.

    20. Lizy*

      Oh it’s tough, for sure. As time goes on, it gets better, but it’s definitely tougher at “big event” times.

      My grandmother (and grandfather, but he’s the Head Asshat so I’m less inclined to care about his feelings) will never see her great-grandchildren. My kids literally make up half of her greats, and we’re the closest by far, so it’s a lot she’s missing out on.

      I have to remind myself that it’s not OUR doing. They did this to themselves. I mean, yes, technically I made the decision to step away, but I did it for my sanity and for my family (husband and kids). We want a better life for our kids, right? We want to be a good example and show how to take care of your own well-being and mental health, right?

      My sister is still very much involved in that side of the family, and our relationship has definitely changed and had a toll on it due to the estrangement. It took along time for her to understand that I wasn’t blaming her, nor lumping her in with the disfunction, but also that I wasn’t going to put up with the disfunction if she tried to bring it on me. I had to set some hard boundaries and there are still some topics we just avoid. Honestly, I feel the worst for her, because she has to straddle both worlds.

      I wasn’t in her wedding. By that point, both she and I agreed separately that was the best option. I didn’t want to instigate any drama on her day, and she didn’t want to have me be uncomfortable or be put in an awkward position. I was still very much involved, but I wasn’t a bridesmaid or maid of honor. For the most part, I avoided the family and just focused on other things. It was easy for me, because I was essentially the wedding planner and I thrive in those types of roles. There were definitely some odd moments, and one with an aunt that I still joke about, but that was it. I kept my focus on my sister and didn’t allow myself to get involved with the family.

      My grandparents will likely pass soon. They’re in their late 80s or 90s by now. I don’t expect to go to either of their funerals. I would consider going to my grandmother’s, but ONLY if my grandfather dies first. I actually still hold out hope that she and I could reconcile, but that will only ever be a possibility if he goes first.

      So it can be done. I would argue that sometimes, benign estranged SHOULD be done. It sucks, for sure. I grew up with tons of aunts and cousins and my kids have nothing. I wish they had that extended family experience, but at the same time, the price is not worth it.

    21. Paralegal Part Deux*

      Yes, with my mom’s mother who was abusive and just not a good person at all. We cut all contact with her when I was 18 (after she hit me in the face with a hairbrush) and didn’t even go to her funeral when she died when I was in my late 30s. We only knew she died because a cousin posted about it on Facebook. It was like a death at the time, but it was also freeing. To be free from that toxicity and level of hate is the best feeling once you’re past the grief process (and you will go through the grieving process.) I never once missed any of it once we were passed all of it and that the rest of the family finally grasped it was a “do not discuss” situation and that we were serious. My mother didn’t grieve for her mother when she actually died; she only grieved for the relationship that she should have had, if that makes sense.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Relating to this. I did not cry at my mother’s funeral. I had spent over 20 years crying. That was my grief right there. I did genuinely feel bad for my father who seemed totally blindsided by it all. That was it. But he went to his grave not knowing why I never talked about my mother.

        1. Paralegal Part Deux*

          The sad part is that everyone knew of the abuse, but they expected my mom to put up with it anyway. When my grandmother came after me, that was the final straw for my mother. You do go through a grieving process because, in a sense, that person has died to you. It’s not an easy process by any means.

          Eventually, though, you learn to live with that pain and move past it. Then, once you’ve removed that toxic person from your life, it makes you wonder what took you so long to do it, you know?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Eh, I figured I was just dense. I had to go beyond extinguishing all hope. Hope died and I kept going. I wanted to be able to at least know that I tried. As I look back now, I went well beyond “trying”. When it starts to tear at your health, probably you shoulda stopped a while ago. So that became my red flag, if I start to feel run down, tired, depressed, it’s too much.

    22. Burnt eggs*

      When I cut myself out from the rest of the family, I used a throw-away email, sent a factual ‘this is why’ to the siblings, set an auto reply that responses would not be read and deleted the entire account the next day.
      I do see my living parent, but if a sibling is there, I do not look at or respond.
      I’ve skipped funerals of extended family and have already told a few people I trust implicitly I will pay them to be my bodyguards when my parent dies. I have told my now adult son that if I am in the will, he will have my proxy and any inheritance is his 100%.
      It took a lot for me to finally get to that point, and what helped was writing out a pro/con list, bullet points of reasons, and a lot of painful soul searching. It came down to they are/were people I would never willingly let in my life under other circumstances, so why invite a cancer into my life?
      It will be painful the first couple of years, but worth it.
      Good luck to you all!

    23. Belle*

      I haven’t spoken with my father in over 10 years and only call my mother once every few months now. For me, it was actually a relief once I cut the contact off. My father was physically and mentally abusive and I didn’t cut him out until my 20s. My mother really only cares about herself and would often make hurtful comments to me and went out of her way to treat my sister well and me not.

      Honestly, other than funerals, I rarely see either now, and I am okay with that. I take peace in knowing my son is safe from the abuse and mistreatment. I do try to talk to my sister some, but keep clear boundaries which is easier because I live out of state.

      For some, it can be less painful by blocking a family member.

    24. Brave me*

      I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this… It’s so very painful when those who are supposed to be a shelter from the world (family!) are the ones you need shelter from! I would recommend captain awkward’s site for her awesome scripts and suggestions. In my own experience, being estranged from family members can be lonely in that people with lovely or even just typical families don’t understand. They think you’ve just had a little disagreement and need to forgive. It’s so, so, so much more than a little disagreement… It’s often been a lifetime of belittling, disdain, attacks, disregard, sabatage, hated, etc, etc. And yet, that little child inside who just wants to be loved still wants them to love us. It’s helpful if you can put boundaries around the unrepentantly hurtful people in your life, and learn how to stop wanting or needing anything from them. I wish you so very much encouragement for this difficult journey.

    25. Transform or Transmit*

      I haven’t responded yet because I didn’t have much to add from others, but you seem to appreciate more stories and the previous post about hiding medical info from children was a reminder of the ways in which abuse can manifest.

      I am LC with some family, as they care most about how they appear to the world. It did mean that they limited their abuse to emotional as they would never want to be seen as abusive, but it did mean that love was conditional and most family aren’t good enough. I see them at group gatherings and don’t get into situations where I am alone with them.

      I have friends who are NC. They started as LC, decided to try NC for their own health, and have no plans to contact ever again. But YMMV, and you can always resume contact in future if you change your mind. My cousin went NC for several years with the same person where I’m LC, and now they have resumed a limited relationship. People with bad boundaries don’t seem to ask a lot of questions when there is NC and then things suddenly become LC.

      Trauma not transformed is transmitted. Take the time, relationship-building, therapy, and/or books you need to transform, and when healthy decide what contact if any works for you. Take care of yourselves first.

      A few thoughts:
      Build a new family. All the crappy ones become FOO, Family of Origin.
      One way to cut off contact without feeling too cut off is for your husband to forward all emails, texts, and calls to you. You can decide ahead of time what and when to share. The other option is to have him block and then he checks for those messages when he’s doing well, although if you are willing then forwarding to you is likely best.

      Holidays are the most stressful for many people, and I have always wanted to find a way to reach out to others who were in similar situations. Maybe this year I will invite my friend, and extend the invitation to others, and have a true Family Holiday Meal without the FOO but with all the best parts. You can build new family traditions!

      1. Transform or Transmit*

        I’m tryig to think of other practical advice. For example a family member of Friend recently passed away, and they worried that FOO might use an inheritance as a way to force contact. Friend wanted to refuse the money, and I suggested that if the amount was substantial then it would be good to take it from FOO (they would inherit if Friend refused) and a good lawyer would be very happy to be paid to deal with FOO and be paid from inheritance. Friend didn’t go to funeral, but I like the idea of friends as bodyguards. I’ve seen Captain Awkward suggest the same, and if you aren’t familiar with her archive then definitely check out her post about Alice. There are many practical solutions and I’m sure many of us would be happy to share in future and learn ourselves.

    26. Chauncy Gardener*

      I have been estranged from my entire birth family for decades at this point. Parents, siblings, everyone. I too was the lowest rung and was blamed for EVERYTHING, including my parent’s divorce—–which happened when I was a toddler. Yup. I still really miss the concept of having a family, but not having my ‘real’ family in my life is just the biggest relief. No feeling like crap for a week after I see them. No dread. No guilt. No toxic mess. I pulled away from them when my child was young and I saw my family start to treat them, as a BABY, the same way they treated me. All of a sudden, the scales fell from my eyes and I turned into Mama Bear. No way was I going to let them do this to my baby!!!

    27. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I wish I could add solid advice but I’m still in that boiling pot of water with no end in sight. It’s only a few years ago I realized that my living parent is a narcissist and suddenly I’ve seen everything through that lens. Lots of guilty thoughts.

      For me what adds another layer of complexity is that I’m from a culture that worships parents, especially mothers. Cutting ties with any family member is a huge sin, both religious and social. Parents are expected to live with their children, so the idea of estrangement is nonexistent. When I used to talk to friends about it they’d say “oh that’s normal mom stuff!” Lots of anger and shame directed at me for saying my parent isn’t an angel.

      The strongest feeling I can say is loneliness. No one gets it. There are online groups but it’s not the same as your actual people understanding it. Not even my sibling understands what I feel. I do slowly see the narrative changing to admit that not all families of origin are happy hallmark families.

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      From a friend’s experience — consider reaching out to the other estranged cousins. If you are breaking ties for similar reasons they did, it might be family without toxicity.

    29. Lobsterp0t*

      It’s hard to feel like you have a family but simultaneously don’t.

      I have found research and resources for people experiencing ambiguous grief and loss to be most helpful. Because that’s really what this is.

      I miss my dad all the time. I have to remind myself that what I miss is both the person and the dream of the person I wished he was.

      But it is right that I am not in contact and I try to look at what I have done with the mental and emotional freedom of estrangement – my other relationships with my family members have grown and deepened a lot.

      I guess what helped me the most was deciding what me own boundaries were and under what conditions I would be willing to try and make a relationship work. Those conditions are, sadly, unlikely to be met – but they’re not outrageous. And by sticking to them I am showing up for myself and my family (wife, sibling, and others) in a way I never did before.

      It will always suck to NEED to be estranged. But estrangement itself can be freeing and can be its own form of closure.

    30. Salamander*

      I went no contact with my dad and his family last year. It was difficult. Initially, I tried to do low contact – just sending holiday cards and keeping things on a surface level and talking about the weather. But he really lashed out at that – he drinks, and that’s problematic. And I had to take a step back. There was a lot of flailing on his part, drunk texts, attempts to manipulate me through other family members. It was hard.

      Now, about a year out, I feel better. The explosions and drunk dialing have gradually tapered off. I had to realize that I could not have the relationship I wanted to have with them. They were always wanting something from me that I couldn’t give. And that’s okay.

      There is no combination of magic words that will get people to do what you want or need them to do, no secret incantation that you can discover if you beat your head against the wall long enough.

      I wish I had done this sooner, ripped the bandaid off earlier. But I wasn’t ready. And not doing so is not a personal failing. The situation is what it is.

      I’ve found peace, and I wish it for you, however you pursue it.

  14. Jimby*

    We’re about to start trying for a kid. Anyone have a recommendation of good books to read on pregnancy/parenting?

    1. Zooey*

      I like Emily Oster’s Expecting Better on pregnancy – looking at the data on different things. The follow up about child rearing is quite good too but more boils down to ‘do what you feel’. Also great for data based stuff is the website Evidence Based Birth which gives an overview of recent research on a lot of key pregnancy topics.

      This is a very idiosyncratic pick but I also found ‘The Myth of the Perfect Pregnancy’ by Lara Freidenfelds a really helpful read pre / early pregnancy. It’s a history of miscarriage so for many people it would be exactly the opposite of what you want. But for me it was helpful to be able to think about how our culture has shaped discourse around pregnancy loss and encourages you to ‘bond’ at very early stages.

      I also liked the Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill which is focused on hypnobirthing but is less dogmatic about natural birth than many of the books in this area.
      Contrastingly I have found information from the La Leche League on breastfeeding very helpful but their book is *so* emphatic about a ‘natural’ approach it put me off.

      In general I have found Amazon’s kindle samples really helpful for pregnancy and baby books because the tone can really click with you or not. I can’t currently access a physical library to browse but reading the samples of books has given me a really good sense of which ones worked for me.

      Good luck in your journey (however long it may take… it was a long time for us, one cycle for a close friend , so hard to predict what you’re embarking on!)

    2. Juniper*

      Oh, congrats! There are so many crappy books out there, I probably spent more time researching what books to read thean actually reading the ones I ended up with. When it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, Emily Oster’s first book Expecting Better was an island of sound, data-backed information in a sea of outdated, over-the-top, or just plain questionable advice. Debunking the Bump was similarly eye-opening. As for how to get pregnant, Taking Charge of your Fertility is a great resource for understanding how fertility and and reproduction works and really made the whole process more accessible. For the actual childbirth experience, I turned to Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Some might find it a little woo-woo, but I’m certainly not one to go the doula/home birth route and I found it immensely enlightening. I liked how the starting off point was that my body could handle this, and then broke down all the different stages of childbirth and how to approach each one. I found it incredibly empowering as I navigated the often very clinical/medicalized side of childbirth. Hubby read it too and also found it provided a useful perspective as we prepared our birth plan.

      1. rkz*

        Are you me? Lol. These are all the books I read as well. Taking Charge of your Fertility was basically our guide to getting pregnant. As I told the midwife who recommended it, I knew a lot about how to avoid getting pregnant but had no idea how to go about trying to conceive (other than the obvious parts lol). Emily Oster’s book I would recommend to anyone as I think it helped make pregnancy so much less stressful and cut through the endless noise of a gagillion things people will try to tell you to do/not do while you are pregnant. IF you’re interested in attempting to birth without medical interventions, Ina May’s book is a must-read. That said, it was a tricky balance for me to read and affirm that my body COULD do this while also keeping in mind that that’s no guarantee that it WILL. I ended up dehydrated and with high blood pressure so had to transfer from my birth center to the hospital and chose to get an epidural. I don’t regret that decision, nor do I regret reading Guide to Childbirth lol.

    4. Jay*

      “Becoming the Parent You Want to Be” by Janis Keyser and Laura Davis. My standard gift to first-time parents. I quoted them constantly – “Life in a family is a balance of needs” – because they gave me permission to put my needs into the equation when we made decisions. I also liked Penelope Leach for basic baby care info.

    5. Ranon*

      My best resource was a podcast- The Longest Shortest Time. There aren’t new episodes anymore but if you start from the beginning there’s certainly plenty there. At a minimum the interviews with Ina May Gaskin and the episode “A Childless Man Gets a C-section” which was hands down the best prep I got for my “whelp, guess it’s C-section time” c-section.

      For parenting it’s hard to say until you meet your kid and know who you’re dealing with, but Baby 411 or the APA’s first five years books are good alternatives to 2am googling for the basic stuff.

      1. Jen*

        I’ll note that there’s a lot of scary stuff about c sections out there but I had a c section for a breech baby and it really wasn’t so bad. The failed attempt to flip him was extremely painful and I kind of regret trying that first.

    6. Dark Macadamia*

      I liked “Brain Rules for Baby” and “Parenting with Love and Logic for Early Childhood”

    7. Fellow Traveller*

      I really liked Like a Mother: A Feminist journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy by Angela Garbes. It has a lot of the same research as Expecting Better, but comes from a place that really examines the social and emotional landscape of child-bearing and being a mother. I actually read it after my child was born, when I was an emotional, exhausted, lonely mess, and Garbes’ writings really made me feel less alone. I also like that she does look at c-sections, something which I thought was missing from Oster’s book.

    8. Sp*

      I loved Let’s Panic About Babies as well for a more light hearted take on it. I also found The Birth Partner really helpful. Don’t forget to read the parts about what recovering from childbirth is like. I didn’t consider that maybe I would be feeling rough and it was an unpleasant surprise. Good luck.

    9. Adventurer*

      Congrats! I’m currently seven months pregnant with my first and got some great advice from commenters here too a few months ago. :) I also heartily endorse both of Emily Oster’s books. I also found Bringing Up Bebe really interesting – I found a couple things that were minor parts of the book problematic (too big of a focus on mother’s weight was one) but got some really interesting ideas from it, about different parenting methods between middle and upper class families in the US and France (and fun stories about living in France generally.) I also liked “Like a Mother” by Angela Garbes

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        The Portable Pediatrician is an awesome book. Breaks down each age/stage and what to worry about, expect etc in each. It was a lifesaver for us! I give it as a shower gift for all my friends, nieces/nephews etc and everyone raves about it.

  15. Retail Not Retail*

    I’m dealing with insomnia for the first time in a good long time. I started a new medication and I added it to my bedtime routine, but I’ll be moving it to the morning after this week because this is crazy. I hope that’ll make a difference but if I just need to ride out the adjustment period, any advice? (I really cannot power through no sleep, my job is unforgiving and we’re hitting warm temps now. I do not need to be punch drunk or hopped up on caffeine.)

    1. nep*

      These are not new or extraordinary things, but just putting out there what helps me get to sleep and sleep more soundly: reading, even just a few pages, close to bedtime as opposed to looking at a screen; wearing a sleep mask (makes a world of difference for me); avoiding eating within a couple of hours of going to bed; deep breaths while lying in bed.
      All the best. Hope you’ll be able to resolve this soon.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        What’s bad is I haven’t needed good sleep hygiene for the last 2 years thanks to my job! Out in fifteen minutes wake up ten minutes before my alarm ready to go.

    2. Purt’s Peas*

      If there’s any way you can reduce the pressure to sleep, I think that will be the most helpful. I believe that you can’t power through on no sleep, but here are some examples of things to tell yourself to reduce the pressure:

      – If I don’t sleep, I’ll take a sick day and have some nice time off.
      – Meditating in bed might be boring and not count as sleeping, but I’ll feel pretty good the next day.
      – I’m getting more sleep than I think. I’m drowsing a lot between thinking “I haven’t gone to sleep yet.”
      – One night of low sleep might put me in a bad mood, but it’s bearable.

      For me that kind of thing has made the biggest difference—there’s a gulf between miserable insomnia and next-day foul mood, vs a kind of chill low-sleep night and next-day tired feelings.

      Other strategies for me include, meditation/alternate nostril breathing before I go to sleep; meditative and enjoyable counting (I like the Fibonacci sequence, so I find it pleasant to go through it and rarely make it past 21); listening to a soft audiobook or podcast with a sleep timer to eventually shut it off; making sure to keep your room cool.

    3. ALT*

      I’ve had a flare up of stress induced insomnia lately and the things I’ve done that have helped have been using a white noise app and also leaving my phone on the other side of the room at night so I can’t just grab it off the nightstand when I’m having trouble falling asleep. Good luck!

    4. Courageous cat*

      Can I ask what the medication is? I’m dealing with the same damn thing right now with an antipsychotic. I am not sure if it will go away so I’ve stopped it for now. If it goes away, I’ll power through – but if it doesn’t, ugh it sucks to ping awake like 5 hours earlier than normal.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        Oh man it is! V raylar (spacing to hide it from search engines/spammers) and i’m on it to kick the depressive part of my bipolar 2 problems and the insomnia is merely ramping up the mania so no, I’m not grouchy or tired, let’s go on a walk at 5am!!!

      2. Retail Not Retail*

        I’ll report back next week if the morning timing makes a difference.

        Yesterday I walked about 12 miles and worked 7 hours mulching (pushing wheelbarrows) in mild heat (70s and humid). I stayed at my job site for almost 3 extra hours because people visited, then I walked my dog when I got home. I got little sleep that night.

        I eked out about 3 solid hours last night. No 5am walk – storming! (That’s actually not that unusual, my alarm is 5:30 if i get up earlier why not walk the dog?) i did however tear through my old broken laptop and old broken phone for hours which seems super healthy.

        I’m an obnoxious morning person, not grouchy when sleepy.

        1. Retail Not Retail*

          Argh yes insomnia brain is infecting me. I got little sleep Thursday night and Friday went from about 4:30am to 7:30pm with the longest time sitting my 2 30 minute commutes.

    5. Dan*

      Do you exercise? I’ve got a whole host of sleep related quirks, medical and otherwise, but assuming you don’t have any other underlying medical conditions (such as sleep apnea), I’ve found that regular exercise is the #1 thing (besides eating or drinking before going to bed, hah) that affects my sleep quality.

      I learned this back in college, actually. My first two years, my dorms were on the opposite side of campus from most of my classes, so I got a lot of walking in. Junior year, I moved to a dorm right next to my classes and did a lot less walking. That had an immediate impact on my sleep quality.

      One thing that hasn’t helped in old age… WFH. Right after college, I had a job as a ramp agent for one of the airlines. An 8 hour shift meant four hours of lifting 20 to 50 lb bags. We didn’t have belt loaders for those types of planes, so those shifts were like doing 4 hours of HIIT five days a week.

      I simply can’t do that any more with a full time job. But WFH being what it is, a middle ground must be found.

      1. Retail Not Retail*

        Alas, my job is not quite HIIT intense, but is definitely more intense than any work from home gig besides a gym instructor doing lessons over video.

        I want to go back to gym classes, but the world needs to be a bit closer to normal. Additionally, my hip can take work and walking my dog and that is pushing it.

        Yesterday I walked 12 miles in spring heat and pushed heavy wheelbarrows and all that jazz… and got 3 hours. After the same amount the night before. I’m kind of convinced it’s the medicine since my lifestyle has not changed.

        1. Dan*

          Dang, you walk like that and you still can’t sleep? That totally sucks. I couldn’t quite follow what your options are with/without the medicine, but I’d totally say talk to your doc. I’m at a point in life where things that interfere with good sleep will not be tolerated, even if they’re otherwise good for me. (Because bad sleep is never good for you, period.)

          1. Retail Not Retail*

            I’m changing the dose time and waiting a couple days to see an improvement and then calling. I’ve tried others with similar goals and I’d really like this to be under control.

            But hey no severe depression nap if you can’t sleep!

    6. This helped me*

      “The Sleep Book” by Dr. Guy Meadows has totally recalibrated the way I sleep and how I approach it. I’ve struggled with insomnia for decades, and his framing/tactics are simple, unique, and they’ve worked for me. I realized that all of my sleep hygiene practices were actually a barrier to good sleep.

    7. Lilly*

      Not medication induced, but I had a bout of anxiety-induced insomnia this year, i think at one point I didnt sleep for 3 days straight, and I need 8 hours min to function. I tried some cognitive behavioral therapy for sleep which was very enlightening. #1 lesson that was new to me was that being tired is different than being sleepy. I was trying to go to bed tired, but awake. Melatonin 2 hours before bed helps me get sleepy and avoiding exercise 3 hours before bed. Do not look at a clock. Do not look at a screen or turn the lights on. If you cant sleep, get out of bed and do something boring in the dark until you feel sleepy, then try going to bed again. Repeat.

  16. Medea*

    Because of home office and lockdown, the only make-up I’ve used in the past year is lipstick to bring a little color to more official zoom calls. The rest of my make-up has been untouched since March 2020. What can, if anything, be used later on? Shall I throw away everything? I’ll check expiry dates but I know that there are other rules (like 6 months after opening for mascara (?)), I just don’t know what they are. This wasn’t an issue before because I used to buy the smallest bottles and use them up pretty fast.

    1. Grace*

      You can generally tell if makeup has expired based on whether the smell/colour/consistency has changed.

      If you have especially sensitive skin, maybe it would be worth throwing things out, but otherwise I wouldn’t bother. I know a few makeup artists who abide strictly by the 6/12/14 months after opening rules for clients, but will happily use old makeup on themselves.

      Generally: powder products will be fine no matter how long it’s been; liquid face products like foundation will be fine unless they smell weird or have gone gloopy. Mascara and eyeliner are probably the only ones I’d bother changing – I haven’t actually changed mine and have never had any issues, but they’re the main concern. If you have an eyeliner pencil, you can just sharpen it until you reach fresh pencil that no bacteria has touched, though.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        I used some of my mom’s eyeshadow from the eighties for Halloween one time a couple years back with no problems.

        Some of my makeup is a decade old. Probably should replace it, but I haven’t used it up in this long so I hate to spend more money. I need to get a better shade of red lipstick anyway, but it’s not like I can wear it with a mask so…

      2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

        I had a compact powder that went funky. I think if you have oily skin and that oil gets transferred to the powder by a sponge or puff, eventually it will get rancid. But it was a powder I’d had for quite a long time, so it’s not like it went bad overnight. And I’ve had some lipsticks that got too dry over a period of several years and felt odd when I tried to use them. But I tend to buy REALLY cheap lipsticks, which might explain the shorter shelf life for some of them.

      3. Liz B*

        I went through all my stuff early on in lockdown and was really honest with myself about 1) what would likely go bad in the next few months or was already iffy, and 2) what do I actually wear. I got rid of about 75% of it. I’m in grad school and fully virtual, so I’m kind of planning to buy myself some new stuff that I really like when I get a job after graduation as a treat. But there was soooo much that I had that I just DID. NOT. use.

    2. Charlotte Lucas*

      In general, anything liquid or creamy should be tossed. Powders might still be OK to use.

    3. Nixologist*

      Powder products are basically good indefinitely unless something weird happens(like they get moisture on them and develop mold), lipstick sticks/concealer sticks tend to have longer life than actual liquids (foundation, etc), but if liquids are used hygienically and sealed well they’re good until they look or smell off.
      Definitely toss the mascara, liquid eyeliner, that’s too close to your eyes and too difficult to sanitize.

      Really a smell test and visual inspection is enough. If they look fine, smell fine and apply like they used to, it’s probably fine.

    4. PT*

      I don’t use makeup all that often, and one tip I have is to write the date you opened it on the label with a Sharpie. I’ve had many times where I was like “I just bought this!” and it was three years old, it felt new to me because I hadn’t used it that much.

      1. Filosofickle*

        Just pulled out my “new” tinted moisturizer for the first time in months and saw it’s dated 8/18…

    5. PollyQ*

      I keep makeup forever, with no attention to expiration dates, and I’ve never had a problem with it. As long as it smells OK, I keep it.

    6. No Tribble At All*

      Mascara will probably be dried up and clumpy after 1 year being opened, anyway. Liquid eyeliner might be OK — depends on the brand. Powders are fine. Other liquids/creams can be OK, depending on how you access it. Pumps/squeeze bottles are generally cleaner than something you dip your finger/a brush into.

  17. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

    Thanks to everyone for their comments on my post about small hatchbacks and SUVs a couple weeks ago.

    Happy update: After weeks of not seeing much that I liked as far as age, mileage and price, I found a gorgeous, low-mileage 2018 Honda Fit on Carvana. They gave me a trade-in offer for our dented, well-worn 14-year-old Honda CR-V that was way higher than I anticipated and enough to make the Fit affordable for us, even with the used-car market being kind of insane right now.

    The Carvana process (the topic of another recent weekend post) was a little bit clunky — it’s definitely not for someone who needs a car RIGHT NOW as there were snags with getting paperwork back and forth, our delivery was pushed back a day, then the car arrived three hours late on the rescheduled delivery day — but our patience was rewarded with a car that was just as advertised. We took it to our mechanic during the 7-day trial period to make sure there were no hidden problems, and we got a totally clean bill of health. So, with some reservations, I recommend Carvana to anyone who is curious. 

    As for the Fit… I love this car! For a car with an engine that’s literally the size of a soda bottle, it’s both peppier and much quieter than I expected, rides smoothly for a small car, has all the features I need plus some unexpected bonuses, and… for all of that, I averaged mid-30s miles per gallon in my first week. It’s a tiny car that squirts in and out of parking spots yet is as roomy as our CR-V was (obviously minus some of the cargo room). Whoever said the Fit was like a TARDIS (tiny on outside, huge on inside) was spot on. The Fit is so much more “me” than an SUV–even a relatively small one–and this shiny new car has been a nice morale booster for us at a rough time. Thanks again for all the advice!

    1. Jay*

      We’ve bought two cars through Carvana and had generally good experiences, although the second one was – weird. We didn’t get the title when we bought the car (paid cash) and finally after four or five months, they called and said they hadn’t been able to locate the title. The temporary registration had expired and we couldn’t register the car without the title. They gave us a 1K credit and exchanged the car for one we picked out – that happened to cost a little less than the one without a title, so we ended up with cash back. They were very nice about the whole thing but I was a bit freaked out that they’d sold us a car to which they did not have the title.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        Oh yikes. Based on my experience, while it was positive overall, I could totally see how that might happen. The Carvana folks are very nice. But it all sort of feels like a work in progress and for all the positives of Carvana, somehow I feel like I scored a victory by coming out of this with a legit, properly registered car!

        1. Jay*

          Yeah. The difficult was compounded because we purchased the car for our daughter, who lives in another state, and she came home for winter break before the temp tags expired, so all this came to light while she was home, thousands of miles away from the car. Before they called us about the title they called her repeatedly to tell her she needed to get permanent plates, but first she needed an emissions test, and then she needed the title….ugh. Before this I would have said I’ll buy all my cars from them, but now….I’m really not sure.

      2. mreasy*

        I loved my Carvana experience as well, but I was going from no car to having a car, and the delay didn’t cause any issues (I don’t use it to commute). I had been wanting to buy a car for years, but the opportunity to do it without dealerships put me over the top. I’m thrilled with my low-mileage 2018 Fiat, which I presume was a rental due to miles and the deluxe interior package (leather, heated seats, etc, which I would never pay more for but which I certainly enjoy). Also I felt pretty special having a car carrier show up to my house lol!!!

    2. M*

      We recently got a car from Carvana and we also found the process clunky but we are also thrilled with our car. We are one of those families with a relatively high income but a pretty poor credit score and for me, the issues (many delays in paperwork and taking delivery of our car at 11 PM in the snow in January) were really outweighed by not having to go into a dealer and deal with the salespeople and the finance people and the low credit score dance. And I will say, every time I talked to a member of their team, they were incredibly positive and pleasant. Even their chat bot, who I found delightful. We will need to replace our second car sometime soon and I will likely buy from them again.

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I agree on all counts. The five days in between purchase and actually receiving the car were occasionally stressful, but still so much better in my mind than going to a dealership. All the dealers who had cars I was potentially interested in near me have wretched reputations and I’d basically rather run in front of traffic than haggle with a used-car dealer, so in a way I felt like I had nothing to lose by rolling the dice on Carvana. Congratulations on your new car!

    4. Smol Book Wizard*

      Welcome to the happy Fit-drivers club! I adore my little red car… it behaves nicely and holds SO MUCH. I hadn’t heard it called a TARDIS before but that completely scans. :)

      1. Please Exit Through The Rear Door*

        I can definitely see why the car seems to have a cult following, and the newer generation of Fit has some great colors — I strongly considered a red one as well.

  18. Loopy*

    Does anyone else here get really really overwhelmed when looking for recipes online? Cooking is really not my thing, so I don’t have any regular go-to food/recipe bloggers. But alas, I need to eat, so occasionally I’ll look up simple recipes and there are always so, so many results and I never have enough of a sense of which is best. All the blogs look the same to me. And often when I go to the reviews for anything popular, the first 20 are saying it looks good, or something chatty without having even made the dish yet (I’m sure I could dig but often I just want the recipe in as little time as possible!).

    I just don’t have the time energy or interest in really delving into the cooking world, so does anyone have any go to recipe bloggers (food bloggers?) for easy, simple, fast vegetarian recipes with affordable, common ingredients? I’m on a budget AND since I don’t cook much, I really am not looking for having to go out an buy one off ingredients. I also am working with grocery stores that only stock the basics (I’m in the southern US and not a big city).

    Also, I had a vague idea that I wanted to make veggie wraps for lunch using a peanut sauce that led me to this question, so if anyone has a favorite peanut sauce that meets the above criteria that would also be great!

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Cookie & Kate for sure – her recipes are always spot on and she uses obvious, normal ingredients you can get anywhere

      Feasting at Home is a new find for me and her stuff is fantastic – she has a thai peanut sauce veggie wrap recipe too :) which I haven’t tried but is on my list

      Oh She Glows and 101 Cookbooks (Heidi) are also some really good options.

      1. Cimorene*

        +1 for Cookie and Kate, maybe also love and lemons? I also like half baked harvest, not all vegetarian but she does vegetarian regularly enough.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Not so much overwhelmed, but I find that every recipe I find online needs to have the seasoning massively increased and that weirds me out. Like, ok, maybe my spices might could be a little old and not as oomphy as fresh (though they’re not; we just restocked the spice cabinet like three weeks ago) but one half-teaspoon of cumin for three pounds of meat and vegetables? I don’t think so, even with the freshest.

      2. pieforbreakfast*

        I double seasoning recommendation almost always, and garlic usually as well. I’m thinking the consensus is the general public is seasoning adverse and it’s easier to add seasoning for those who fall outside this range then the opposite.

    3. Jay*

      Not a blogger and has a subscription fee, but the New York Times Cooking section is our go-to. I love it. The reviews are amusing and often helpful, the indexing and search work well, and the recipes come out as advertised.

      1. Team 9-5*

        I find Cooks Illustrated (same group as Cooks Country and America’s Test Kitchen) to have some of the best and most foolproof recipes. Their content is behind a paywall but recipes can’t be copyrighted (any accompanying story/explanation can, though), so other websites will often have their recipes. I just Google “Cooks Illustrated chocolate pudding” and click on the first link to a free website.

        1. Charlotte Lucas*

          I love ATK.

          But I also recommend that even non-cooks invest in a cookbook with basic recipes they like. So much less hassle. And you can still cook even if your internet or power go down. (Assuming a gas oven in the case of power outage.)

          1. BRR*

            I also like having a few books. They’re easier for me to follow and I like not having to read a novel first.

            ATK has a vegetarian cookbook that might be good for the OP. I like testing a cookbook first by checking out a digital copy from the library.

            1. Anona*

              I have the ATK vegetarian cookbook and I like some of the recipes but I don’t find it simple. There’s a stuffed peppers recipe that’s stuffed with beans and cheese and is SO delicious.

          2. Jay*

            I also like ATK, and I think the website is a better investment for non-cooks, or new cooks, because the videos are really helpful. The Cooks Country Meals in 30 Minutes really are simple. Some of the others….not so much. I remember a “weeknight” meal that took at least 2.5 hours and used nearly every bowl we had. It was delicious….on a Sunday.

            (reposting the nesting fail from below)

          3. lapgiraffe*

            I am giving a nod to both NYTimes cooking and ATK, my sister and I share subscriptions but honestly I’d pay for both on my own they’re so helpful. I pretty much never go looking for other blogs unless I’m cooking something very specific/unique (major exception to this is a smitten kitchen, Deb is the BEST).

            Also agreeing with the books, good ones are tested like the paywall sites and so helpful to have on hand. Barefoot Contessa is excellent here as well.

            Cookbook trick – get them from the library! I like to check out ones that intrigue me before committing to buying them, and you can check out so many at once.

            1. Charlotte Lucas*

              I do the same thing! It’s a great way to decide whether a cookbook is just pretty (so many are these days) or will be useful & used too.

        2. L in DC*

          I am Ride or Die ATK. They also have their recent shows on YouTube through their ATK Channel (including Cooks Country)

      2. Never Nicky*

        I’d suggest BBC Food for great recipes without the chitchat but maybe the terminology differences would be off-putting? (And we weigh everything, we don’t do cups!)

    4. CTT*

      I really enjoy the Washington Post’s food section (which now goes by the name “Voraciously”). I’m already a WaPo subscriber so I don’t think it has a separate fee outside the usual paywall, but it is a great resource.

    5. LDN Layabout*

      It’s partly finding sources you love and partly being confident in your cooking which will come with time, because that confidence will allow you to pare down the ‘complicated’ recipes.

      https://www.nigella.com/recipes/sesame-peanut-noodles The dressing here is a killer (and the recipe in general is a great budget/storable lunch), but you don’t need to keep it exact for it to be good. I ignore the garlic infused olive oil and I never have sweet chili sauce on hand, but I go with either chili/hot sauce and a touch of sugar.

      Regular food blog haunts:

      bbcgoodfood.com – BBC Good Food
      smittenkitchen.com – Smitten Kitchen
      cookingonabootstrap.com – Jack Monroe’s blog, she’s experienced poverty herself so she’s actually really good re: budget recipes
      seriouseats.com/the-food-lab – Kenji Lopez Alt is really good at the SCIENCE behind cooking stuff, so much than just recipes, this is where I go for tips and technique (it’s a case of, I wouldn’t do everything he does because I’m lazy, but even doing SOME of them will improve what I’m cooking)
      theguardian.com/food – Guardian Food, huge repository of recipes, good how-tos and recipe collections etc.

    6. Lizabeth*

      I read the WP food section and the blog Smitten Kitchen religiously. The WP recipes are hit or miss for me but Smitten Kitchen are hits 100%. I do find ATK recipes to be much more involved than I like – Cooks Country is a little less involved. Check with your local library to see if you can check out their magazines online with your library card. Food 52 has recipes as well but I’ve not done any of theirs yet. And their shop always has me drooling over cookware etc… Alton Brown of Good Eats and Good Eats Reloaded is great for TV binge watching – he explains things well and I own the cookbooks and find them pretty good (see if the library has them!). Love seeing the sock puppets belching in his face but that’s just me…PBS is good for cooking shows when they are on – they used to have most of Saturday devoted to them but programing has changed over the years.

    7. Anona*

      I love love LOVE Budget Bytes. She has a ton of vegetarian recipes and they’re pretty simple typically.

      Most of what I cook comes from her website. Like you, I don’t have interest/time right now in looking at a lot of websites.

      1. Anona*

        And if you go to the recipe section, she has tags for quick recipes, vegetarian, and also cost per recipe, so you can easily find ones that meet your needs.

      2. Anona*

        Last comment, her spinach and white bean quesadillas are so simple and delicious! She got me into white beans.

      3. ALT*

        I second Budget Bytes. Simple and good recipes that have never failed me. And I second the white bean and spinach quesadillas, I just made them last week.

        1. Oatmeal*

          I recommend budget bytes for people who want to eat yummy things but don’t get a lot of pleasure out of cooking itself. There’s a trade-off, but you may very well not mind. When I’m busy, I don’t.

      4. 00ff00Claire*

        Budget Bytes is one on my go to sites! Even for some of her recipes that are not vegetarian, she explains how you can make it veggie. I like her black bean and corn quesadillas, vegetable enchilada casserole, and veggie pot pie (I do add chicken to that one since we eat meat). I’m pretty sure she has a peanut sauce recipe too.

    8. KuklaRed*

      While I am an avid devotee of Cooks Illustrated and America’s Test Kitchen, my go to for solid recipes is epicurious.com.

    9. Teapot Translator*

      I also get overwhelmed when searching for recipes. Not so much now, but in the past, I would try to find recipes for something, get overwhelmed and go lie down and have a nap. I’m doing better now, but I still get overwhelmed sometimes.

    10. Rebecca Stewart*

      My peanut sauce for chicken satay would work for you. It is quite literally just creamy peanut butter, enough coconut milk to make it a sauce consistency, red pepper flakes, fresh chopped garlic, and fresh grated ginger enough to get the heat level and flavor you want, and I usually add a teaspoon of Penzey’s Bangkok Blend seasoning to finish it off. Sometimes I add extra cilantro.

    11. Muddlethru*

      We did a promotional trial of Purple Carrot and it’s been awesome. They give you a little recipe book, then putting the ingredients together was like a little puzzle. Meal delivery kits aren’t super sustainable and we also don’t want to spend the money forever, but it’s been like a crash course on cooking REALLY good plant-based food. My husband is a carnivore but he will eat vegetarian/vegan if it tastes good and is appealing.

      We may even keep this subscription as we’re going to have a baby in may, not sure!

    12. Apt Nickname*

      I tend towards the WaPo food section, King Arthur Flour for baking, and generally Googling for everything else. When I Google, though, I compare the recipes to each other in case the one I have the ingredients for is some weird outlier. Don’t forget that often a single ingredient is replaceable or omittable.

      I can’t recommend a peanut sauce recipe but I can recommend the purchased House of Tsang peanut sauce.

    14. llamaswithouthats*

      Honestly, I like Allrecipes. They are beginner friendly and tend to require ingredients that people are likely to have in their pantry and/or nearest grocery store. A lot of blog recipes are usually customized according to the blogger’s tastes and require unusual ingredients, which can be cool if you’re really into cooking but a pain if you just want an easy recipe.

      1. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Yep, and the comment section on allrecipes is actually helpful. It’s full of people who have actually made the recipe, and often have improvements or variations, or at least honest opinions.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          Yes – I actually modified an Allrecipes recipe according to the comments, and they were on the nose! The original recipe requires too much butter, and a lot of commenters recommended half of the butter amount.

        2. Anona*

          That’s actually one of my least favorite things about allrecipes! It seems like the recipe ratings really take the comments into account. Like if you make a 5 star recipe without making whatever modifications suggested in the comments, it usually won’t be good. Because of that I avoid it- just too much sifting.

          But it is a good general resource because it’s so big.

    15. Juneybug*

      I would suggest listening to The Lazy Genius podcast #174 Try A Meal Formula (basically a rotation of seasonal menu items for a few weeks, then change).

    16. Dark Macadamia*

      HelloFresh has all their recipes online, you don’t have to actually subscribe or buy the kits. Occasionally there will be something like “Italian seasoning” with no description of what it contains, but you can either Google recipes to make something comparable or buy a premade mix (Mrs Dash, etc) in the spice aisle.

    17. AlabamaAnonymous*

      Have you checked out Pam Anderson (the cookbook author, not the actress!). She and her two daughters have a blog, threemanycooks. But she also has a book series — How to Cook without a Book — that are great. The first book is regular recipes but she recently realized a new version “Cook without a Book: Meatless Meals: Recipes and Techniques for Part-Time and Full-Time Vegetarians.”

    18. Batgirl*

      Oh, I am so with you on the chatty commentators. They drive me nuts! I have a favorite blog where about half of the recipes are simple and fool proof and half are more of a challenge, prone to failure in the hands of amateurs. Of course I’m interested in people’s different experiences of the recipe but I only get a half dozen “This looks so great! I can’t wait to make it!” (I usually have to go to Facebook for that kind of insight and dazzling commentary). Following the dizzy half dozen is a couple of grumps who have made all sorts of ill advised substitutions and are cross that the recipe didn’t work anyway. Then, because the blogger doesn’t have all year for this nonsense, she’s closed comments without a useful word being said by anyone but herself. My kingdom for an intelligent reviewer…

      1. Dan*

        I wish there was a rule that said you could only comment/review on something you actually attempted. My favorite as of late was a kindle e-cookbook that I downloaded and had to return because the formatting was so fubar it was all but unusable. Somebody left a five star amazon review and said, “I wasn’t able to cook anything because the e-book formatting was so screwed up. But it’s not fair to punish the author for that.” (Well ok, but if you didn’t cook anything, what did you review?)

        My other favorite with substitutions is the opposite of what you describe… “five stars after making all kinds of subs so the original recipe is no longer recognizable.”

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Smitten Kitchen has a great function in her comments where its split into General, I Made this! and Questions which helps IMMENSELY to cut out the chatter. I like to do a quick check of the Questions and I Made This! to see if anyone has done an interesting sub, any recommendation on oven time, or if I need to make a substitution based on what I have on hand, if there are any comments on that. Since her site is so old and people are still commenting on recipes from 10 years ago, it is very helpful.

        That is the only blog where I have seen that function and I wish others had it.

    19. Fellow Traveller*

      I also get very overwhelmed by the sheer number of recipe blogs out there- there is such an infinite number of recipes out there and an infinite taste preferences that it’s hard to pick something reliable. During the pandemic I’ve actually started cooking from cookbooks rather than combing the internet. I’ve been borrowing them from the library, and if that is an option for you, I’d highly recommend it.
      If you can get Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything (or How to Cook Everything Vegetarian), I find that is a great place to start.
      America’s Test Kitchen also has a solid vegetarian cookbook, but I find their recipes a little fussy sometimes.

    20. HannahS*

      Smitten Kitchen is one of my favourites. Her food is vegetable-forward and flexible; if you don’t have this you can use that, etc. She has a large vegetarian category. She also has a few good peanut-y sauce recipes. I like this one:
      https://smittenkitchen.com/2015/08/takeout-style-sesame-noodles-with-cucumber/
      Depending on your budget, you might not feel that both tahini and sesame oil are affordable. I stock both, but I find that I reach for the sesame oil much more frequently than the tahini. If you go more for dishes from East/Southeast Asia, go for sesame oil. If you go more for dishes from the Middle-East, tahini is more common.

    21. Dan*

      Yes, but part of the reason I get overwhelmed is everybody’s attempt at SEO. So if I want to look at a recipe, I have to scroll/search for the ingredients section so I can see if I’ll actually like any of this stuff.

      However, keep in mind that “the best” is often up to personal preference. I like food with a lot of seasoning, so I can tell by looking at a recipe what’s got enough seasoning, and what’s got more than I really care to prep. But my problem with the above is that if I want to compare 4 or 5 recipes and see what different people are doing, it’s really kind of a pain in the ass to cut to the chase.

      So I’ve been getting into kindle versions of cookbooks off of amazon. They’re always a bit cheaper than a hard copy, and they often go on sale… I’ve picked up a bunch in the $5-$10 range. They cut to the chase and tell me what I need. It’s worth it to me to pay a few $ to avoid the ad clutter. I’ll also note that I usually don’t *know* what I want, and the books are great at showing me things I wouldn’t think of or otherwise wouldn’t be top of mine. Recipe blog searches are better if I have a specific dish in mind but want different prep options.

      But I’ll recommend ATK as well. They’re diligent about the recipe development, and explain *why* they do what they do. And most of the stuff is simple enough to put together on a weeknight.

      One thing you could also look at is plant-based or vegan options. Plant based could work good for you if you have limited variety in your shopping.

      1. Charlotte Lucas*

        If you want plant-based basic recipes, Deborah Madison’s Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone is one of my go-to books. The section on individual vegetables is great.

    22. pieforbreakfast*

      Joanne Eats Well With Others is a trusty blog with vegetarian recipes. There’s chatting but it’s easy to scroll through. She also does weekly dinner meal plans that provide five dinners and a dessert to make without having to choose if you want.

    23. CatPerson*

      Why not just buy a good all-purpose cookbook, such as Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything?

    24. I take tea*

      I like physical books as well, but if you like videos, I think Cheap Lazy Vegan is very nice. She isn’t as overwhelming as many and doesn’t use too much ingredients. (She has a veggie patty made out of kidney beans, oat meal and ready made tomato sauce, for example. Very nice.)

    25. Bethlam*

      I like Taste of Home. Uncomplicated down- to- earth recipes with normal ingredients.

      I’ve also made things from Valerie’s Kitchen. Her crockpot split pea and ham soup is terrific.

    26. OyHiOh*

      I would download the Good and Cheap cookbook myself. The author wrote it as part of a Master’s thesis on cooking with a SNAP (food assistance) budget and assumes a choice of limited skills/time/equipment. It’s been updated at least once I know of, perhaps more. Naturally, because animal protein is expensive compared to plant, there’s quite a few veggie recipes. The recipes feel familiar and comfortable, like cooking with your grandma.

      If you were to suddenly find yourself with a bit more interest, Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything is a modern classic. It’s very much about teaching technique and vocabulary, so that when you’re faced with “saute until transluscent” you know what that means without further instruction. Plus, all of his basic recipes have loads of variation suggestions, so that you start to get a range of how flavors, ingredients, and techniques play together.

    27. ronda*

      below is from a comment on another site, but I thought it might be interesting for you. Her recommended site may be a good idea for you (provided you find that they have vegetarian recipes)…. but also maybe one of those prepared meal packages (hello fresh, etc)

      “I’m once again going back to the food idea, as that is a huge time suck, both mentally and physically. You need to lower your standards for a while. I love the idea of the giant Costco trays, or the “if it’s Tuesday, it must be tacos” approach. Another option: cooksmarts . com. I don’t know anything about your other meal planning service, but I used this one when things were crazy because it (1) gives you balanced meals that are adjustable for dietary restrictions, (2) provides efficient cooking time and prep (e.g., you cook extra chicken on Monday to use in Thursday’s dinner), (3) and creates an entire grocery list for you based on the meals you selected, which you can then edit to drop the things you already have. There’s even an option to have the selected groceries delivered to you (I didn’t use that so can’t vouch for it). Oh: and my family actually liked the food. There are other services that do this, too, of course. But the key is that if you’re going to pay for a meal planning service, you want one that does as much of the work for you as possible. And that includes the mental work of deciding what to have on what night and developing the grocery list. “

      1. ronda*

        I just checked their site and searched for vegetarian and it does seem to include vegetarian meal plans.
        Looks like 1st month is free if you want to try it.

  19. Venus*

    How does your garden grow?

    Whether an outdoor veggie plot or mold on a coffee cup, all updates and questions are welcome.

    My tomato seedlings have their first set of true leaves starting up! It is starting to feel like spring here.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I posted below and it’s in moderation. Hopefully Alison can put it in the right place.

    2. Crackerjack*

      Husband has been signed off sick with stress so he is doing gardening and DIY, always his go to activity to help himself feel better. Which is great, but this means our battle over the lawn has begun earlier than I hoped. He likes a lawn to have only grass in, and clear edges where it meets the flower beds. I love a lawn with moss in it, daisies, buttercups and dandelions, patches of clover and I like it to bleed into the beds a little. Last year he ruthlessly dug up all daisies and my clover leaving ugly bare spots and I could have cried. He reseeds every year to try to get the grass to take hold and then he cuts it within an inch of its life. So I’m worried about my lawn at the moment.

      But in happier news, he also got plug plants for our hanging baskets and planted them with our 4 year old and she and I sowed sweet peas outdoors and lupin and lobelia seed inside to propagate, so I’m looking for action from those soon. The daffodils are fading here but the grape hyacinths and forget-me-nots, and the wild garlic are coming on a treat. Also lilac anemones that are planted on my cat’s grave. It always makes me smile for him when those come up. Next month, or May, there will be clouds of forget-me-nots under every bush and drifts of garlic in every hedgerow, and it will be wonderful.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My purple peppers in the Aerogarden have both sprouted some greenery, and the oxalis have a handful of tiny sprouts and I think two bulbs that are all go go Godzilla. I just planted them like three weeks ago so I’m hoping for more sprouts in the next week or two. I’m torn on how to take care of them when they’re in this interim phase – I’ve been keeping them in the garage most of the time for the unsprouted bulbs (and to protect the sprouts from overnight frost), but moving them out to the driveway every couple of days for a few hours so the sprouted ones can get some light too. Seem right?

      My front yard and garden are full of volunteer green onions. I pulled up a big clump of them from the garden by the bulbs, shrugged and jammed them down into a spare pot of dirt (though the dirt is from last year), so they may or may not make it – it was more an experiment. I didn’t want them where they were but if they wanted to try and be successful elsewhere, more power to them. :)

    4. Anonymath*

      We spent Spring Break spreading about 7 cubic yards of mulch, so even though the trees are mostly still dead from the storm, at least the ground looks better. Planted most of my spring seeds and sweet potato slips, and the lettuce is finally starting to come up. Still need to cut back the dead oregano. I’m looking forward to being fully vaccinated so I can go to the big nursery and replace my dead tropical trees.

    5. Never Nicky*

      I’ve just potted on my tomato seedlings (and if they all survive, I will have to hope friends want some!) and some lollo rosso and Little Gem lettuces.

      My half hardy annuals are well underway and so are some herbs.

      In the garden itself, my primulas and bulbs are looking great, especially the new anemones. The forsythia is in full bloom and the buds on the cherry are swelling.

      The days are warming but nights are still chilly but it won’t be long before I can plant out last year’s cuttings.

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I planted a seedling tray of tomatoes, planning to share with friends, and then it met with disaster in the form of a trailing skirt. I’ll be lucky if 2 or 3 starts survive once potted up today. Luckily, I am not the only one of our friends who enjoys gardening, and I have acquired four tomatoes and a basil from various directions. Yay for generous gardeners!

    6. Llellayena*

      I’m starting to contemplate my yearly herb purchases. Since I moved back to NJ from NC I always seem to get the timing on planting a little off (I miss the long growing season!). Any suggestions on when I should purchase/plant basil and other herbs in medium sized pots outdoors in NJ? Thanks!

      1. Hotdog not dog*

        Tender herbs like basil usually go in the last week of May. (In Northern NJ) slightly sturdier ones like rosemary or any of the perennial herbs can go around mid May. Anything earlier than that you risk frost damage.

    7. OhGee*

      I’m in zone 6a in the northeast US, and I’ve got some tomato seedlings that are just starting to get their true leaves, too! I think the biggest change I’m making to seed starting this year is setting up shelving with grow lights. I realized I truly needed them when I started Brussels sprouts for the second year in a row and they went spindly again. I start my seedlings in a sunroom and it’s still not enough. So in two weeks or so, my lights should arrive and I’ll start again with some new seeds. I’ve also got melons and a few other starts, and am going to check the conditions outdoors and possibly start some of the “as soon as the ground can be worked” veggies today! I’m also thinking about which indoor plants need to be repotted in the coming weeks – I have a blood orange that fruited for the first time this winter, a passionflower that takes over half the sunroom, two hibiscus that I’m hoping will flower this year, a terrestrial orchid (harder to kill than your typical orchid) and some other more typical houseplants.

    9. Nixologist*

      The tulips my mother planted years ago are coming up for spring!
      Indoor garden-wise, I think we’re turning a corner with my areca palm. It was a Christmas gift that has really suffered this winter, but I’m cautiously optimistic I’ve figured it out. My Valentine’s day bromeliad moved windows and is thriving. I repotted some quarantine seed baby spider plants, and now I just have a ton of spider plants in pint glasses. I’m gonna trying summering the spidies outside this year!

    10. Decidedly Me*

      Indoor seed starts are going. Bare root raspberry canes are now in containers and not bundles. Onions, garlic, and potatoes are in various stages of being started now.

      I was able to find a honeycrisp apple on mini dwarf root stock, which was exciting! My partner really wanted one, but we don’t have space for a full sized tree. Now to find a pollinator for that.

      I bought a few things last years that didn’t do great over the winter and am waiting to see if they’ll return :(

      I think we’ve been more excited about growing things than we feasibly have room for, so we’ll see how this goes! Have some raised beds on the way and will be buying some more containers, too. Found a bulk soil place nearby that’s on the list to go to today.

    11. Miss Pantalones En Fuego*

      Some of the seeds I started are finally starting to sprout. I think it might still be too early to plant them out in the ground but I also bought some pea plants on a whim and they are in the plastic greenhouse for now. There are a lot of weeds in the front garden that need to be dealt with but I just haven’t had the wherewithal to deal with them. There are also two huge fuchsias that need to be cut back and possibly moved elsewhere but it’s a big job and I don’t feel like doing it.

    12. Hotdog not dog*

      Mold on a coffee cup! I was in person in the office and had to go into a colleague’s office for a file…she had left a partial cup of coffee on her desk last year, and it didn’t age well!

    13. fposte*

      My cold sowing is paying dividends, and I was such an idiot I can hardly believe it. I planted seeds in a variety of repurposed plastic containers with the notion of transplanting them later. And a couple of them have flush lids, and I filled the soil up to the top without leaving room for the plants. Oops.

    14. fhqwhgads*

      I bought a house whose previous owner was much much more of a green thumb than I am. There are tons of potted plants in the yard that weigh at least 100 lbs each (pot+soil+plant). I really don’t want to deal with all of them and a lot aren’t really very…alive. How does one go about getting rid of that? I can’t even move the pots. Do I call a landscaper? Or a handyman?June removal? Who is an appropriate person to deal with getting rid of the plants and the excess soil and the super heavy pots?

      1. fposte*

        Take pictures and post on your local FB/NextDoor. If there’s a local gardeners or master gardeners group reach out to them as well.

    15. Lurkey Turkey*

      I planted radishes, peas, and beets last week and a few seedlings are poking through the dirt already. Very exciting! I also planted my cauliflower seedlings, but maybe too soon. Two of them look unhappy about the move.

    16. HannahS*

      My seeds still haven’t arrived! I ordered from a small Canadian company, wanting to support them, but it’s been a month and I still haven’t received my order. I’m very disappointed; it took over two weeks for them to put my two seed packets in the mail. They say on their website that there might be some delays due to COVID, and while I don’t want to be unsympathetic….it’s been over a year; it’s not like this should be coming as a surprise. So I’m a bit grumpy. But, you know, we’ve still had some cold nights, and I’m only balcony gardening anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. I’ve saved an egg cartons and yogurt containers for sprouting seedlings.

    18. RagingADHD*

      Spring has sprung and it’s the traditional time to plant tomatoes outdoors (Palm Sunday) but it just will.not.stop.raining.

    19. Sparkly Librarian*

      We have nasturtiums finally! I planted these seeds at the beginning of quarantine last year, and they sprouted but barely grew until about December, and now we have the first blooms seemingly overnight. They’re along the fence in a spot that’s just out of sight unless I come around that side of the house, and the worn old red fence looks much nicer with some greenery climbing it. Plus the rainwater tends to drain there and this will keep it from being boggy without a lot of attention.

  20. The Other Dawn*

    Not my garden, specifically, but I finally got a landscaper over to give me estimates on some major (to me) projects.

    There’s a lilac bush on the north corner of my house that’s gotten out of control and has some poison ivy growing in it. I want them to rip all that out so I can plant something else, though I have no idea what to plant there. It needs to be something that will do well in the shade. I want a flowering bush, but I’m thinking those options would be limited.

    I’m also going to have them scrape off the top layer of soil on the bank of a stream on my property and plant grass seed. It gets really overgrown with weeds every year and I just can’t keep up with it. It embarrasses me because my neighbor’s side looks so nice. I have no idea how or why it looks so nice since I never see them or their lawn service do anything with it.

    As for the garden, two of my raised beds need to be completely weeded out and new dirt put it. I used the wrong thing (unscreened top soil–I had no idea what I was doing) when we built them and I’m tried of all the weeds that come up in them every year.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      In CT we had rhodos, andromeda and mountain laurel in shady areas. I actually like the andromeda the best. It got leggy at one point. Some how my father knew he could cut it down to a stump and it totally regrew itself. That was kinda neat.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’d love a rhododendron, but the landscaper said it probably wouldn’t flower much being in the shade all day. I like the looks of mountain laurel or andromeda, though. He suggested both of those.

        1. Daydreamer*

          Hydrangeas are great in shady areas! You can also propagate them In simple steps and end up with multiple new bushes. Good luck in finding the perfect new addition to your yard.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Oh, I hadn’t thought of hydrangeas! I’ve seen so many beautiful ones in friends’ yards and I love them. Thank you!

  21. Crackerjack*

    Ooh I wrote a long comment and not sure what happened to it – maybe in moderation? This is a test one anyway.

    1. Bethlam*

      Me too! I created a new thread, hit submit, and the page refreshed as if it posted, then poof!

      It wasn’t a long one, but anything is a pain to type on this little phone screen.

    2. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I always write it out in an email draft if on my computer or notes on my phone just in case.

    3. Hi there*

      That happens to me when I am reading/posting from my iPad. Sometimes I’ll switch to the computer if I have very strong feelings and want to make sure my comment is posted.

  22. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    As usual, this thread is not limited to fiction writing, feel free to talk about any writing at all.
    I’ve mostly been working on something for That-Which-Shan’t-Be-Discussed-On-Weekends, and it’s going pretty well I think.

    1. Liz*

      I need to start completely reworking a YA novel I wrote (my literary agent sent it out on one round of submissions to publishers and got some similar feedback from them in their rejections, so she suggested I do a redraft before submitting more). I haven’t felt like starting, because I just mentally feel so DONE with those characters.

      Also I’m waiting for my agent to read my first draft of another, newer YA novel I wrote, and I’m very anxious, hoping she likes it.

      I finished a nonfiction book on Pompeii because I have vague feelings that I want to write something involving Pompeii in a future novel. Also, I made a few notes on a mystery I want to write at some point, inspired by a creepy text my mother got from an old acquaintance (which turned out to be nothing in real life, of course :-)).

    2. Yellow Warbler*

      I am waiting on payment for several industry articles I did, and there’s been NO communication from the person I was told to send billing to. The person I worked with has also been radio silent since publication, though she was chatty before I handed everything in. I’m scared that I’m bring ghosted/ripped off, but technically the billing period still has a few days before it’s officially late. I am an anxious mess.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        As someone who writes for money, it’s really normal not to hear anything after publication (because the work is finished) or from the billing person. They don’t normally communicate during this period at all since there’s no need to. They will either pay you on time or not, and if it’s not, at that point you follow up to inquire about its status — but all of this so far is normal.

        1. Yellow Warbler*

          This helps, thank you! They are my first international client, so I am a bit adrift regarding norms compared to my usual work.

    3. Elizabeth West*

      I have to say, I’m grateful for the chance to earn a free certification for that thing we do not speak of on weekends, but WHYYYYYYY could that not have happened earlier? Just like school did, it’s seriously interfering with my writing / editing.

      I just want to make books. I don’t want to be distracted by extra stuff (other than a hot dude lusting after me; that distraction would be just fine, haha).

  23. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Gaming thread! What’s everyone been playing this week?
    As usual, this thread is not limited to video games, so feel free to talk about board games or any other game you can think of. All games are welcome here, we do not gatekeep, there is no such thing as “real games” and “not real games” (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean anyway).
    I’m keeping an eye on the Vita games, I feel that with the rumours going around of the digital store closing their prices are going to go up, though I do have to say I don’t exactly trust the source of the rumours. As far as gaming goes, I’m still on Stardew Valley because I like the distraction and the soundtrack to that game is really soothing.

    1. Unemployed in Greenland*

      I bought Gloomhaven: Jaws of the Lion as a Christmas gift for myself (first holiday season ever all alone, but hey it worked okay.) It’s a really good setup as an introduction to the overall Gloomhaven game. The rules are complicated, but there are guides in Jaws that really help to make them clear.

      I’m excited about the replayability, but a bit bummed because I reached the end of my first full campaign with my first two characters. And it will be a wrench to leave them and start over.

      I’m more interested in the regular Gloomhaven game now, but I know it doesn’t have nearly as easy a setup as Jaws. Playing the computer version instead would be awesome, but I have no idea if I have the specs needed to run it – and I do not want to buy a new computer just to play it, you know?

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Steam has a good refund policy for situations like this:

        ‘You can refund a game purchased on Steam if you request the refund within two weeks of purchase, and have played the game for less than two hours total. When your game is refunded, it will be removed from your Steam library, and you’ll receive the full value of your purchase back.’

        And Gloomhaven is on sale right now :)

      2. Purt’s Peas*

        A friend bought Gloomhaven right before the pandemic, and we got a chance to play like two full-day sessions…enough to get addicted :) Can’t wait to start playing it again.

        I think the setup will be a beast if you’re picky about getting all the correctly-themes pieces (I was). But if you’re ok with any style door, for example, it would be better. Also some upfront sorting might help….but there are so many dang pieces.

    2. Nicki Name*

      I went ahead and dove right in to a Crimson Flower playthrough in FE3H. I’m up to chapter 7 and I’ve recruited almost all the students already. I want to just race through this and get to the new stuff. Wait, no, I still want to do all the paralogues!

      1. Jackalope*

        I just started a Verdant Wind run-through. I’m seriously considering doing something crazy like teaching all of my physical warriors magic and teaching my mages weaponry, just to see what will happen. And because some of the “non-mages” have some pretty cool spells, I discovered. I too have recruited everyone; this is an NG+ game so I just used my renown to renew all of Byleth’s A level supports with everyone, & got them all by chapter 3. Which means I have the whole game to play with everyone instead of just the chapters after I’m able to recruit.

        1. Nicki Name*

          I put my NG+ renown into boosting my professor level to A+ and then raised all my supports to C so as to at least give my recruitment a boost. Since I have training and battle points out the wazoo, everyone is overleveled compared to where they should be at the point I’ve reached.

          I’ve always taught my mages a bit of weaponry so they have some way to do damage to enemies who are resistant to magic. I hadn’t thought about teaching magic to my physical fighters, though. I think I’ll try that!

    3. I take tea*

      We found our SET-game again and played it. It’s a card game where you pick out sets of three either with similarities or differences. Very challenging and also fun. I used to be pretty good, but now we had to state a rule that neither got to say set more than twice in a row, so we could be more even. It felt nice, we used to play it a lot long time ago.

    4. Holly the spa pro*

      Husband and i picked up Rogue Heroes: Ruins of Tasos for the switch. It is a fairly blatent zelda rip off but plays very similar to a rogue-like. I like it because the puzzles require teamwork to complete and you can switch between different classes repeatedly. Something fun to play together for togetherness.

      I have a really hard time remembering the name of the game so ive just started calling it “ruining tacos”.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      We’re playing a lot of Hearthstone: Battlegrounds at the moment – two of our other friends also play and we’ll usually go into a round of matches with four of us and then four other random players. I’m still not great at it but feel like I’m improving, and it’s a nice social thing to do with friends during lockdown as well.

  24. ThumbsNotGreen*

    For new gardeners: can anyone recommend a good book or website for novices? I have a small yard (1st time after decades of urban apartment living) with enough space for flower and vegetable beds. I especially need help with scheduling — when to do / plant certain things throughout the year. I’m in the US, mid Atlantic. Thanks!

    2. Ranon*

      Timber Press publishes a series called “Growing Vegetables in the (region)” that is excellent, where region is southwest or Midwest or wherever you are- it’s a month by month format so you can flip to whatever month it is and see what tasks need doing and what you can plant for your area.

    3. Blue wall*

      Check out books by Mike McGrath and his podcast You Bet Your Garden. He only does organic gardening.

    4. Brave Little Roaster*

      Hello, Mid-Atlantic neighbor! A couple resources that I like are extension dot UMD dot edu (or any state) for advice on your hardiness zones, planting timelines, etc; and the website for the nursery Chesapeake Natives for specific native plants for your area and when to plant them. I’m originally from a much different climate so I found these to be very helpful when I finally moved to a place with a yard. You can also check the Washington Post’s Capital Weather Gang to guess when last frost is coming up and if you live near a farmer’s market, chat with the vendors about what they are planting in the next few weeks/months* to see if you’d like to do the same. Good luck!

      *Actually if you have more specific farmers market questions, let me know since that’s partly my line of w0rk :)

      1. RagingADHD*

        In the States, the Cooperative Extension Service always has great information on local conditions, even down to the county.

        I wasted so much time & money starting out, trying to use general advice for my zone number that couldn’t take into account local specifics, like humidity, drainage, soil composition, etc.

    5. Hotdog not dog*

      If your area has a local garden club, check their website. A lot of clubs post links to resources that their members have found helpful. (Google “garden club Town Name”) Local nurseries are also great sources of information, and a lot of them also have free resources on their websites.

      1. Chauncy Gardener*

        +1000 on the garden club suggestion! Also, Rodale’s Organic Gardening book is great. And Fine Gardening is a great magazine for beginners and everyone.
        In general, vegetables in full sun, well drained soil near a water source. Watch your yard. See which parts thaw out first-those are the warm spots. Ask your local garden center what zone you are in. I’m in northern MA and all the plant catalogues say we’re zone 6, but there’s no way we are since all my zone 6 shrubs get killed in the winter. Anyway, up here the guaranteed frost free date is the end of May, so that’s when we plant tomato plants and other warm weather crops. We can plant peas, radishes and lettuce now. Hope that helps! Have fun! It’s the BEST hobby

    6. Skeeder Jones*

      This may sound strange, but in CA a lot of water districts have good information about what plants thrive in our climate, plant recommendations, watering schedules, etc (largely because of ongoing drought conditions and a 2015 state mandate to reduce water usage) so you might check to see if any of those resources are available from your water utility.

    7. I take tea*

      I don’t know good resources in English, but check out companion planting, which is what to grow together and what not to.

  25. Friend In Distress*

    Content warning for death of a relative and cancer.

    A very close relative of my best friend/roommate is now on hospice care due to cancer. My friend is going to be a mess, even more so because she feels like she can’t breakdown in front of her family so she does it here in our house. She lost a grandmother in December and has had sporadic screaming breakdowns in the months since. I can only imagine how much worse it’s going to be with a relative that she’s really close with. Plus, as she told me, she hasn’t been able to see her relative in a year due to the pandemic; because the relative has cancer, her doctors had her under very strict isolation so even outside masked gatherings were not a option. My friend feels like the pandemic stole the last year she and her family had with the relative.

    I’m going to be there for her as much as I can but I’m also a very empathic person and honestly her sobbing breakdowns scare me. The next few weeks/months will be a real challenge to find a balance in helping her and taking care of myself. I have people I can lean on for support and I have places I can stay if things become overwhelming and I need to get some space for a bit (obviously I don’t want to abandon my friend in her time of need but sometimes getting out of our small house is the best thing for me to get some space from her)

    Advice on how I can help my roommate and also help myself keep my head through all this?

    1. Workerbee*

      My first thought is, if you haven’t already been making use of the people and places you can go to, to start now. Make it a regular thing, too.

      My second thought is to suggest therapy for your friend. This is not because you aren’t being there for her as much as you can or that you don’t care as much as you do; it is precisely because you care that you’ll want her to get some aid that a professional can provide.

      And because, simply, yes: Your friend gets to feel what she’s feeling about horrible situations. Yet, though I am not a doctor, screaming sobbing breakdowns since December with the prospect of more to come are not what I’d call healthy, healing, or helpful for anybody.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Does she “need” you to participate in or intervene in her breakdowns? If yes, then I think you need to back out of that asap. It’s not healthy for you to have to manage someone’s “scary” expressions of emotion. If not, then maybe you need a routine or a script for yourself when these things happen.

      Can you examine what scares you about the breakdowns? Is it the fact of such raw grief and suffering? Do you fear that she will harm herself? Do loud expressions of emotions remind you of something unpleasant in your own background? Once you have a sense of why this is scary to you, maybe you can create a self-talk script to counteract it. “Roommate is very sad and this is how she expresses and processes it. I know that she’s always okay afterward. I’m going to put on my headphones and do my own projects for half an hour, and then I’ll check on her.”

      In terms of the larger processing of grief, I’d suggest Captain Awkward’s advice about how to be supportive to friends without becoming overwhelmed. You and your friend will both be better off if you know how much help you can safely and cheerfully provide, and if you are willing to limit yourself to that level of support.

    3. WellRed*

      You posted about this before, I think? It sounds like it hasn’t gotten any better and you’re expecting it to worsen. Your friend is in need of professional help, starting with her medical doctor. I know everyone grieves differently but this sounds off. Please take care of yourself.

      1. Friend In Distress*

        Did I already post this? Sorry if so. My friend does see a counselor but I’m thinking of suggesting grief counseling for her. She didn’t do that with her grandmother but I think it would help her. She’s been dealing with depression through the pandemic any way with other family issues and a stressful customer service job, so family losses on top of all this are making it all the worse. I do know I can’t fix all of her issues but being her friend and roommate, I’m usually front row to her breakdown.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      There’s a mental health hotline: SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) that you and/or your roommate could try. They might be able to recommend good support practices for you and grief-specific help for your roommate. I wish I could offer more…
      Sending good thoughts.

  26. Erika22*

    Last year there was a letter from someone who has trichotillomania, and it turned out several commenters have trichotillomania or dermatillomania. How are you all doing? How is your pulling? (And LW, if you’re lurking, how are you since your letter?)

    I pull my eyelashes and eyebrows. My pulling has gotten pretty bad over the winter, and since my work has gotten more stressful the past couple of months it hasn’t really relented. I’ve started using eyelash extensions again to cover my eyelash gaps, and I’ve booked a microblading session for next month, so I /look/ like I’m doing ok (and thinking I look ok helps me feel more ok, if that makes sense). And in terms of stress, I told my boss I have one more project than I can handle currently, so she’s going to try and move it off of me, which is already helping me mentally. Plus we’ve had some beautiful days weather-wise lately, so that’s also really helping. Overall I think things are turning around!

    What about the rest of you?

    1. Jen*

      For me it comes and goes, depending on stress level. I pull my hair at the back of my head so it isn’t as noticeable. The problem is I find it’s a vicious cycle because pulling causes irritation which leads to more desire to hair pull. Unfortunately most of my tricks are for head hair (hats, scalp treatments) and not eyebrows or eyelashes.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      My left arm is pretty much hairless now… But at least I haven’t been going outside, so no one notices.

    3. NeonFireworks*

      Pandemic has meant too much trichotillomania, partially because of stress and partially because no one’s going to see it so I don’t have implicit imagined peer pressure. I also had a dermatillomania flareup and I’m pretty mad at myself now because that patch of skin is a horrible mess.

      Both have been worse than this, though, and I think they’ll drop off again as life returns to normal and spring/summer approach in the Northern Hemisphere.

    4. KR*

      Dermatillomania here. Been breaking out really bad for no apparent reason. It’s been almost impossible not to pick. Really difficult and it’s all on my face. Blah.

  27. Bethlam*

    If you were asked to do a commercial endorsement for a product you use and could heartily recommend, what would it be?

    I’ve always been a fan of Dawn dishwashing liquid – have used it all my life for dishes and lots of greasy jobs. But on a nice day this past week, we pulled the grill out of the garage to scrape off the winter grease build-up. Usually it’s not too bad, but my husband didn’t get a deer this year and we’ve grilled burgers with a higher fat content than venison, so way yucckier than usual. And Dawn just knocked the job right out of the park!

    So what product do you use that you would enthusiastically endorse (doesn’t have to be cleaning, but I’d love to find a better bath/shower cleaner than the one I use)?

    1. llamaswithouthats*

      CeraVe. It basically healed my eczema, and I also love their facial products. I don’t use any other skin care brand.

    2. Atheist Nun*

      Well, since you mentioned Dawn…

      1 part Dawn + 1 part white vinegar sprayed onto your bathroom/shower surfaces, then scrubbed with a Dobie sponge, is an excellent cleaner. I suspect it is because tub/shower dirt is greasy (from skin oils and bath oil products), and Dawn is excellent at cutting grease. It is also a problematic product, of course, because Dawn is petroleum based.

    3. Never Nicky*

      Snag tights. Perfect fit for short and chubby legs and in amazing colours.

      So comfortable it’s like wearing nothing (except you don’t get chub rub)

      1. Bethlam*

        Short and chubby legs, hmmm? Then they sound tailor-made for me. Will Google to see where I can get some.

    4. I love new cleaning products*

      I’ve recently used both Folex carpet cleaner and those plastic drain clog removers with the little spikes on them to great effect. The Folex removed a couple of stains that when I moved in, and the clog remover was very satisfying (but incredibly gross!) to use.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      About 20 plus years ago I bought a Krups grinder for coffee beans. I cannot kill the thing. It just keeps working.
      I have used it for making bread crumbs out of slices of bread. I loaned it to a friend to grind up chaga. (This is like grinding up wood. Friend was so certain he ruined the machine. Nope. It’s fine. ) It will not quit. Currently I use it for grinding up eggshells to feed my dog. The blades are not dull and the motor sounds as good as it did the day I bought it. It was $20 at that time, I never expected it to last like this.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Calcium. Rather than buying calcium supplements for my dog I grind up a shell that I would have thrown out anyway. The ratio is one egg shell per pound of meat that he eats. Since he eats 14 ounces, I just give him the whole shell. There’s usually residue left in the coffee grinder, so technically it’s not a full egg shell.

          Yeah, he downs it, no problem. ha. I save a few bucks.

    6. Batgirl*

      Schar gluten free products: everything they make is dependably delicious in stark contrast to much of the competition.
      Corsodyl toothpaste: very different flavor to the majority but you get hooked on the cleanliness and difference it makes over time.
      Lucy Bee coconut milk: It’s one of the few brands not watered down and it’s utterly gorgeous as a result.
      Shea Moisture hair care: I always come back to this stuff because my hair is too frizzy and dry without it.

        1. Batgirl*

          I have not tried the ladyfingers – they’re next, so thanks! I adore the viennese whirls, I have no need of shortbread recipes because they’re the only tea biscuit (cookie) I need. As for sandwich bread, I have never needed to toast it to make it edible! Also, the solidly good loaves are even better recently; I won’t buy any other brand after many sad experimental bread purchases.

      2. Bookgarden*

        Oooh, I placed an order directly from Schar about three weeks ago! I got ladyfingers to try to make GF tiramisu, deli bread, and ciabatta. The multi-grain ciabatta was soooo good. Tiramisu was my favorite dessert before having to go gluten-free.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      This might seem trivial, but last year, I bought an OXO Good Grips silicone drain cover to fit over the bathtub drain, which has a pop-up closure rather than one down inside that you operate with the little lever. I needed to keep my long hair from clogging up Mom’s pipes when I wash it in the shower.

      I LOVE that thing. It goes right over the pop-up drain, and it’s weighted on top, which keeps it from floating away. Costs about $8 at Target and totally worth it. I’m taking it with me when I move.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I have a comparable OXO item for covering the garbage disposal hole for the sink. I got it because DH would toss silverware (spoons, in particular) in the sink randomly (if he bothered at all), and sometimes they’d fall into the disposer. I’m nearsighted, and if I didn’t look INTO the disposal, and turned it on, the edges of the spoon would be chopped at by the blades before I managed to hear and jam the switch off again.

        After losing some spoons (who wants to eat with a serrated spoon?), I bought the kitchen sink version. Equally as lovable!

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Is a trio okay?
      Refresh Plus eye drops (no preservatives), Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry-Touch Sunscreen (non-greasy, subtle smell and comfortable on the face) and Working Hands Hand Cream (for extremely dry hands, comes in a tub).
      I have no connection to these companies but these products make my life so much more comfortable!

    9. The Dude Abides*

      Newskin liquid bandage.

      I tend to get cuts on my fingers/hands a lot, and hate the feeling of a band-aid on my skin.

        1. The Dude Abides*

          I have no idea what clove smells like, growing up downwind of a soybean processing plant does a number on your sense of smell. Plus side, I have no idea what rancid meat left in the dark for six months smells like either.

          1. Generic Name*

            Lol. Actually part of the reason I know it smells like clove is because clove oil is listed as an inactive ingredient. :)

          2. Bethlam*

            Nesting fail – the above comment was supposed to be here – I also have cuts and splits on my fingers all the time.

    10. Cedrus Libani*

      Here’s a collection of not-so-famous items that I think are so much better than alternatives I’ve tried that I’m inspired to give them a shout-out.

      Shower: Luv Scrub. It’s just a piece of scrubby netting material, the size and shape of a scarf. Unlike the usual loofah-type bath scrubs, the simple shape means it’s easy to clean and dries quickly. Thus, it doesn’t get gross, and you don’t have to keep buying new ones. It’s also easier to use; you can just shimmy it down your back.

      Hair, for taming frizz: Garnier Fructis Anti-Humidity Smoothing Milk. Heavy enough to make a difference, but light enough that my hair doesn’t look greasy or clumpy. I don’t use conditioner, I just shampoo, towel dry, and then work some of this into my damp hair.

      Shoes, for minimalist/barefoot-style that won’t look out of place in an office: SoftStar. The all-black version can pass as a dress shoe, and it’s quite durable; I walk everywhere and still get about 1.5 years out of each pair.

      For cat owners: Litter Robot. Yes, it’s a $500 litter box. It’s also the best “frivolous” purchase I’ve ever made.

      For carpet owners: Pawsitively Clean, by Bissell. I’ve tried them all, and this cleans up pet stains (and a variety of other stuff, e.g. red wine) infinitely better than anything else I’ve tried, without harming the carpet. Fair warning: it eats through paint and varnish. You cannot set the bottle directly on furniture unless you’d like a bare patch in the finish that’s shaped like the bottom of a spray bottle. I cut the bottom off an old shirt to tie around the base of the bottle to help contain any drips, and I also have a plastic tray that the bottle lives on when not in use. I’m willing to put up with all that, because the stuff is that good.

      1. Bath products*

        Salux “beauty skin cloth.” It’s a Japanese product, but it sounds just like the “Luv Scrub” Cedrus Libani described above!

        TubShroom and SinkShroom. They’re silicone products that collect hair before it clogs your drain.

    11. Generic Name*

      My shark rotator vacuum. I love that thing so much. It’s the only vacuum I’ve ever actually loved. It picks up pet hair really well, and there’s like 3 different filters you can clean/replace.

    12. allathian*

      L’Oreal’s Dream Length shampoo and detangler conditioner. It’s been a real hairsaver for me, it’s been 13 months since my last haircut. My hair is thick and there’s lots of it, so I’m not comfortable with trying to cut it myself. My bangs are now as long as my back hair was a year ago. My hair hasn’t been this long since elementary…

    14. mreasy*

      My coffee maker. It’s a Behmor Brazen and it’s quite adjustable (soak time and brew temp), which is useful if you like a variety of roast types. It’s a workhorse, it makes incredible coffee, and it’s 1/3 the price of a Technivorm.

    15. mreasy*

      My cat wanted to answer this as well and recommend the Yeoww family of catnip products lol.

      1. CJM*

        Yes! That brand’s Catnip Yellow Banana Cat Toy is popular with every cat in my house, and that’s a first. It’s so popular in general that it was recently out of stock at Chewy (but it looks like it’s available again).

    16. HannahS*

      Blondo boots. I’m on my second pair of flat-soled black leather boots. They’re pricey, but my first pair lasted six years. They start out a bit stiff but soften up beautifully.

      Yamamoto yama green tea. It’s the best green tea I’ve ever had (their gen mai cha is also delicious), good hot or iced. Super smooth and not bitter at all. It’s what the fanciest Japanese restaurants use.

    17. Aealias*

      Grandma’s Favourite spot remover for laundry stains. It does an awesome job on all the horribleness associated with babies, such that I have several outfits that make pristine hand-me-downs or heirlooms. I’ve found it effective on blood, grease and red wine stains, and it makes a difference on black mold (but can’t entirely lift it).

      Better than Bouillon stock mix. It truly is. Flavourful, not artificial-tasting, delicious.

  28. Teapot Translator*

    What’s cooking? thread!
    What are you cooking, what have you cooked, are you trying anything new?

    1. Teapot Translator*

      I’m pondering getting a turkey and cooking it over the Easter weekend (long weekend! more energy and time for cooking!)
      My goal would be to have a lot of meat so I can freeze them in different portions so I can use it for different stuff.
      Is this a good idea? A bad idea? Should I get a chicken instead?

      1. Hi there*

        Funnily enough, we just decided to make a turkey for Easter. The hubs bought three heritage turkeys at Thanksgiving, and this will be the last one. He uses a recipe from Sunset magazine. I’ll make stuffing in a the slow cooker as the one of the sides, which kiddo is very excited about.

      2. CJM*

        Great idea! My family prefers turkey to ham for holidays besides Thanksgiving, so we cook it more often than most people. I haven’t tried freezing it, but I bet that would work well.

      3. CJM*

        Great idea! My family prefers turkey to other meats on holidays besides Thanksgiving, so we cook it more often than most people I know. I haven’t tried freezing leftovers, but I bet that would work fine.

      4. Esmeralda*

        Yes, excellent idea. Turkey is actually pretty easy to make. I’d stick with a small to medium bird (14 lbs tops) because in my experience, a bigger bird is hard to roast so that all the parts are delicious.

        If you don’t brine or smoke the turkey, you can use the carcass and giblets and scraps to make stock, which you can then freeze.

        I don’t stuff turkey when I roast it (lots of herbs, some onion and garlic inside but not a stuffing). I do like to do this Martha Stewart trick where you loosen up the skin on the breast (you should be able to gently stretch it and fit your hand between the meat and the skin), rub in softened butter, and then arrange a pretty pattern of whole fresh sage leaves. You could use thyme or rosemary if you prefer. Salt and pepper all over and in the cavity. Put the bird on a rack in a shallow roasting pan.

        I have a friend who swears by brining and then smoking and it’s incredibly delicious. I have smoked turkey in the past — very tasty. I don’t bother with brining because it’s a PITA haha. Plus I’ve had good success just roasting the bird.

        BTW, turkey enchiladas are an excellent way to use leftovers!!

      5. CJM*

        If you want a simple stuffing, my husband once filled the turkey cavity with raw, whole potatoes and baby carrots. That was a hit, so he keeps doing it. He adds celery if we have it on hand, and he likes to sprinkle more carrots and celery on and alongside the turkey.

        Sorry for the double post earlier.

    2. Pond*

      Last night I cooked Chicken Marsala for the second time!
      I doubled parts of the recipe to be more to my taste (ex. more chicken and sauce, less onion and garlic). I also mixed the chicken broth with flour before adding it to the pan, so that the sauce is both thick and dairy free. Ate with noodles and green beans, it was delicious. Now to go have some leftovers for lunch!

    3. Rebecca Stewart*

      I have a family that likes things hot. I’m the outlier in liking things milder. I’m now getting to cook for someone who finds black pepper too much. This is… interesting. To say the least. But I like a challenge.

    4. Ali G*

      I made pizza dough last night so that’s dinner tonight. 3 different pies: pepperoni, a white pizza topped with arugula, and a Portobello and caramelized onions. Speaking of onions, they are in the slow cooker and my house smells amazing. Once I discovered caramelizing onions in the slow cooker I need them on hand at all times.
      In honor of Passover, tomorrow is brisket and onions and matzoh ball soup.

    5. Meh*

      I’m moving in three weeks so I’m trying to finish up all the odds and ends in my cupboard and freezer. It’s daunting. Looks like we’re having half a ham and some shrimp for dinner :/

      I just made a fresh batch of kombucha and split my scoby into two for a second gallon, does that count?

    6. WellRed*

      I made enchiladas for the first time this week and loved it so much, I’m making then again. Also trying those savory corn muffins posted here recently (by Other Dawn, maybe?)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        That was me. :) I haven’t made them in a long time, but I bought the ingredients after I posted the recipe. Maybe I’ll make them tomorrow.

    7. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I didn’t cook much this past week. Monday I had smashed tiny potatoes with steamed broccoli and chicken meatballs. Another day I stir fried an asparagus & mushroom mix from Trader Joe’s. (Never thought I’d be a “eat only a bowl of veggies for dinner” kind of person!)

      This coming week I’m making 2 different fish & veggie dishes. I do have 2 questions if that’s ok –

      So, the chicken meatballs tasted rotten. They were prepared fresh at a grocery store and the instructions said to cook & consume within 48 hours. When I realized I wouldn’t eat them so soon, I put them in the freezer thr next day where it stayed for a few weeks. I Defrosted in the fridge for 36 hours and baked/broiled in my oven as per the instructions. Could I have done something there that made the meat go bad or did I bring them home like that?

      Second Q is that I found a few fish recipes to try, but I couldn’t find the actual fish (ie rainbow trout or halibut etc). Can they be subbed for another fish I do have like salmon or cod? or should I find new recipes? Are fish generally interchangeable? If it helps, these are simple one sheet fish & veggie dishes.

      1. c-*

        Re: meatballs, they probably were defrosted once before you bought them, so when you froze them again, they rotted. Not your fault!

        Re: fish, generally interchangeable with good results if you follow some guidelines:
        – There are mostly 2 categories of fish, blue fish (trout, salmon, sardine, etc.) and white fish (cod and similar). You need to find out which kind you’re dealing with.
        – Adjust recipe fat to fattiness of fish. Blue fish is fattier (healthy fat, tho) and will need almost no oil.
        – Same goes for moisture. Some fishes are “wetter” and will let out moisture. Delicious for broths, not so great for roasts.
        – In general, if two fishes look very similar in terms of meat type/color and bone structure, the same recipe will work for both. Like salmon and trout, or cod and halibut. Adjust cooking time to fish size.

        If there’s a fishmonger serving your fish, you can ask for their advice. If feasible, cook your fish with head, skin, and bones if friying or roasting, it will add a lot of flavour and moisture. You could also use the heads and bones for broth.

        1. c-*

          * it will add a lot of flavour and moisture to the fish, it won’t drown your meal.

          If you go that route, make sure the fish is cooked through (I’m sorry for the image: eyes should be totally white and popped) and serve it as whole as possible. Each person cleans their fish and discards those parts as they eat.

    8. Bookgarden*

      My partner and I have been working on perfecting a gluten-free, lactose-free chicken pot pie recipe to meet each of our dietary needs. We made it this past week and it was really good! We’ve adapted Betty Crocker’s Easy Chicken Pot Pie recipe using GF Bisquick and Lactaid milk. We found a simple condensed cream of chicken soup and substituted GF and lactose-free ingredients. We also add fresh herbs, garlic, onion, and corn.

    1. Teapot Translator*

      The pain in my knees is not getting better. It’s getting me down. How can I exercise if my knees hurt? I can’t squat or lunge. I’m only allowed 20-minute walks.
      I’m seeing the physiotherapist again next week. I might cry. I’m just tired of my body betraying me like this. I think I do listen to my body. I try to be careful. And then I get hurt. Does anyone else feel like their body is not made for exercise? It’s really frustrating.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        I am eager for the pool here (indoor) to re-open. I have a friend who can only exercise (water walk) in the pool, and I find that water is easier on my joints as well.

        The other go-to for a body with joint issues for me has been pilates. But I’m not going back into the studio/onto the reformer there until I’m vaccinated. But Pilates was life changing for my back and hip flexors… I don’t know about knees.

    2. Liz*

      I started “jeffing”! I didn’t know there was a term for deliberate fixed intervals of running and walking till someone told me when I mentioned I started doing that. (It’s named after Jeff Calloway, an Olympian who has a whole system based around the idea.)

      It turns out I can jog a single 13-minute mile and be absolutely miserable the whole time, or I can do intervals of 30 s jogging, 30 s walking, do THREE 14-minute miles, and actually enjoy myself! This has felt mindblowing. I never thought I could be a runner, because ultimately I hate it. But I think I could be a “jeffer.” :-)

      1. fposte*

        I’d never heard this either, and I love that it’s a thing. I think Couch to 5k starts you like this.

        1. Liz*

          I’d done a Couch to 5k and really liked the beginning but started hating it once the running intervals got longer. Finding out that this is a legit running technique has made me realize that, as I am not regularly being chased long distances, I can just keep doing this sort of interval forever!

      2. Pharmgirl*

        Oh I didn’t know this was a name for this! I prefer running this way! I’m still working my may up to running a mile straight but I don’t enjoy it as much as the intervals.

    3. Potatoes gonna potate*

      I only made it to the gym twice but both times I made it count.

      I started PT again for my arms this time and the therapist told me not to do any upper body weights, which is what I had been doing before. She OKd cardio & lower body weighs So this time I focused on those. I usually never do cardio, even before mask mandate. This time I was able to “run” (3.6 pace) for a short time—this is a big thing for me as I used to do HIIT all the time and I haven’t been able to do what I used to do for years now thanks to pain, anxiety, weight gain etc.

      Full disclosure – my dr put me on a medicine to help me lose weight. It’s only for a month, she said that I have to make it count with my diet and exercise otherwise the medicine won’t work. I didn’t get the symptoms I was expecting but so far so good. I am slowly building my discipline and stamina. I am finally feeling like I can accomplish something.

    4. M*

      We’ve had a rowing machine for a while (a relatively inexpensive one we got from amazon) and I have been using it for a few months. When I say using, I mean sitting on the machine kind of listlessly moving back and forth while watching television. But last week we got apple fitness and I decided to try out a rowing class workout. Turns out, I very much like classes. I have really gotten into the workouts and it is fun to have a coach and I get motivated to try to keep up and push myself. For the first time in a few years, I am actually looking forward to working out and actively prioritizing exercise. I have been inventing combinations with their strength and cardio classes to combine with rowing. It has certainly been worth the subscription price and the struggle I went through to figure out why I couldn’t connect my apple watch to my apple tv.

    5. Teapot Translator*

      I think I accidentally signed up for a swimming class? I sent an email to confirm this (or to see if there was a glitch in the system). What is my life.

      1. Teapot Translator*

        It’s confirmed, I’ve inadvertently signed up for a swimming class. *facepalm* Oh well, it’s going to be good to get off my knees a bit.

    6. Purt’s Peas*

      I’ve been trying to go from zero floor push-ups (ever) to one, and it continues pleasantly apace. Alongside my other workouts I’ve been doing modified pushups on my stairs, and have set goals of 20 push-ups on stair 4 for the first month, then 20 on stair 3 for the second, and so on. It actually feels really great to meet these modest goals…I’m very very pleased.

    7. JobHunter*

      Yoga! I did yoga a lot as a teen but tapered off as I got older and busier. I can bend straight down and touch the floor in front of my toes with my palms again! Next goal: splits.

    8. Dancing Otter*

      I have my physical therapy routine for home use only now. Originally, I felt as though I flunked PT, but I’ve decided to consider it graduating instead.

      The therapist said I wasn’t making any progress, and should save the rest of my permitted number of sessions for AFTER having knee replacement surgery. I think she was defining progress wrong, since the doctor wanted me to strengthen the surrounding muscles rather than push range of motion. Still, I can do everything on my own at home a LOT cheaper.

  30. KuklaRed*

    I just stumbled on a letter response from 2011 where Allison mentions reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and that she loved it. Since this is one of my all-time favorite books, this makes me incredibly happy.

    2. Blue Eagle*

      Thanks for suggesting this book. I just requested it from my library and I am first in line when one of the two copies out is returned.

      1. KuklaRed*

        There has been talk of a movie in the making for several years, but I have not heard anything lately. My daughter and I have had a lot of fun doing imaginary casting for all the roles.

    4. MMM*

      Interesting because of the thread above about re-reading books, but that is one of the very few books I’ve read again! So good

  31. matcha123*

    I was never allowed to complain or vent growing up and now that I’m older, it seems that a lot of people complain and vents as a form of bonding. It also seems that people, like me, who don’t complain aren’t trusted?
    Can complainers help me to understand that mindset?
    I was raised that complaining is a waste of time. Teachers also told us not to complain. When I was younger and did try to complain or vent to friends, my words and feelings were brushed off.

    1. Purt’s Peas*

      I come from a complainin’ culture. It serves two purposes in my opinion—one, storytelling and two, comfortable intimacy.

      When you’re socially complaining, it’s intended to be entertaining. You’re offering a situation to joke about, or telling a story with a villain—maybe your boss did something or your own tendency to say the wrong thing reared up—it’s a narrative or it’s a conversational jumping-off point.

      If you’ve entered into a complaining culture, I think it may be tripping you up that the steps of intimacy are a little reordered. In a positive culture, I think there’s the idea: of course everyone has complaints, but why would you share something bad if it’s not actionable, or if you aren’t in an intimate friendship where you confess bad things to each other? Whereas, in a complaining culture, the idea can be: of course everyone has complaints, and if my acquaintance isn’t mentioning those/participating in this conversation—well, god, they must think we’re strangers with nothing to talk about but the weather! They must not want to be friends!

      I don’t want to overgeneralize—this is from my experience of going from a complaining culture to a non-complaining culture. (For very granular context, US east coast Jewish family to small midwest city.) Hope my impressions are helpful

      1. matcha123*

        That’s very interesting! I’m from the midwest and raised by a black parent.
        The complainers around me the past few years have a different background, but I think they are coming about things the way you describe.
        One thing that makes me very uncomfortable is how someone will try to make one person or group the “bad guy,” and “us” into the “good guys.” I feel like if someone is happy to complain and drag others, they will easily turn on me.
        I’m pretty reluctant to open my mouth with complainers because I assume they would be happy to throw me under the bus and tell other friends or supervisors that *I* am negative complainer.

        1. Sunflower*

          This is interesting. I think this is also part of people who complains mindset. Like I mentioned in my post below, people vent for validation. I think people who complain understand that when others complain, there’s a tendency to put themselves in the golden light and paint others as evil in order to really drive home that their feelings are valid. I know to take anything like this(or really anytime someone tells us a story like this) with a grain of salt and understand I’m only getting one person’s perspective and their emotions are probably charged up as well. For example, I notice a lot on this site when people write in that they do this and in my head I just think ‘I can only give advice or feedback based on what I’ve been presented with here’ and that’s what I do.

          I also at this point just accept that no matter what, people are going to take things I say or do in ways I don’t mean and there’s nothing I can do about that. That being said, you could be a a negative nancy group which isn’t good either. I’d make sure that your friends are people who can acknowledge venting for what it is and then move into into real life. When I vent I often say ‘sorry this is bothering me and I just need to vent for 5 minutes then I’m done’. This is delving from what you asked but I’d pay attention to how these people place the ‘evil’ people at other times in the future. Like I vent about a friend but an hour later, will speak about her like I would any other good friend in good terms and spirits. Are these people still and always considered evil because of one instance or does the friend try to break ties with that person over one incident? That’s a sign of something bad going on.

        2. Purt’s Peas*

          I think that’s a very legit thing to be uncomfortable about, yeah—complaining culture has a very real risk of strengthening an “us vs them” in a really crummy way. It definitely happens that someone’s complaining about something Friend X did, and you’re there thinking, oy I do the same thing! In those cases it’s a matter of speaking up but it doesn’t feel good. And there’s a huge risk of complaining culture slipping into bigotry territory, which is unacceptable. Not like complaining cultures have a monopoly on this but I want to make sure I’m not being sunshine-and-rainbows about it. (Complaining about a complaining culture….maybe that’s not unexpected ;) )

          As for worrying about people going behind your back…to some degree I think it’s expected that someone might talk about you if you’re interesting, and maybe it’d come out as a complaint of sorts. That kind of thing feels innocuous to me, maybe not to you.

          But I wonder if it’s less about that and more like, 1) you don’t trust the people you’re talking to at all, and 2) you’re not sure how to ride the line between fun complaining and non-fun complaining (which unfortunately does exist and is hard to find). Both or either of those things would definitely feel really tense and kind of worrying.

          1. matcha123*

            Some non-trust with some of the people, definitely. And the line being uncertain is also a thing.
            I don’t feel comfortable making someone or something out to be an enemy without thoroughly understanding the situation. I’ve been in situations where “friends” have tried to trick me into saying something that would paint me in a bad light, so I tend to be careful with my words and who I open up to.

    2. Sunflower*

      I grew up in a household not totally un-similar to yours- we were told to not cry and just suck things up and I think being told to not-complain feeds into the greater feelings of ‘be agreeable, don’t rock the boat, don’t be emotional, etc’. It took me a long time to understand that my feelings are valid even if they don’t make sense or if they can’t be changed. People (not all but generally) who complain are fully aware the world isn’t fair and complaining isn’t going to change much.

      Venting is a release of sorts- human nature is the want and need to feel like someone understands us and venting is a way of that. Venting usually comes because something you don’t agree with has happened and no one/the person that matters never seems to be on your side. So sometimes it’s just to have someone say ‘yup your feelings are valid’

      I’m not sure what exactly you mean by non-complainer’s aren’t trusted (I’d like to hear more about what drove you to this conclusion) but I have 2 thoughts
      1. If your reaction to anyone you’re friends with complaining is ‘stop and suck it up’, then people probably don’t see you as a compassionate person and don’t feel safe opening up to you
      2. If your idea of not complaining feeds into refusal to acknowledge that life is unfair and can suck sometimes etc, then in some ways that can become a form of toxic positivity which is something a lot of people can not get behind.

      1. matcha123*

        With the two points you listed, I don’t give either of those reactions, actually!
        However, my response is case-by-case. When I hear complaining the first time, I tend to just listen quietly. Maybe offer some suggestions they can use to cope, but I don’t say they should suck it up or that their feelings are invalid.
        Perhaps they feel that way because I don’t immediately say, “Oh my god, Janet sounds like such a witch! She was terrible to you!” I don’t use that kind of language myself when talking about my own situations, so I would hope that they understand that I am not changing my style of speech for their particular situation.

        Not trusted is something I’ve sensed with coworkers and with a few friends. At work, I keep quiet when someone complains about another section. With certain friends, it seems that they want me to validate their complaints, but when I ask for advice, I’m told that *I* spend too much time complaining.
        I realized that those friendships were unhealthy, and have pulled away. These would be three hour long phone calls where one party would complain about work and dating for 2.5 hours and then when I’d try to speak about an ongoing issue, I’d be cut off.

        I recognize that people I am good friends with do complain as a way to bond, and I value *those* friendships. It’s just I have a really hard time saying, “Janet effing sucks,” and sounding sincere. I want them to know that I care about them and their problems, however. And I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to be Little Miss Perfect or Little Miss Emotionless. Their reactions to my stories are definitely more, emotional? than mine to theirs. More “I can’t BELIEVE they would do that!” and “That sounds AWFUL!” compared to my “Oh wow, that must be tough.” Generally not very expressive myself, either.

    3. fposte*

      I think it’s about vulnerability. Somebody who never talks about anything being wrong may be perceived as refusing to be vulnerable. (Of course you can also go too far the other way!)

      But you’ve posted complaints in the weekend thread sometimes—does online feel different to you? Or are you characterizing “complaint” as something more specific?

      1. matcha123*

        Online is definitely different for me. I can lurk on a forum, figure out the vibe and go from there.
        In real life, the ways you can be vulnerable are different for different people. I’m not completely white, so I have to think about whether my words are going to make someone think I’m incompetent or something else.

        1. fposte*

          Yes, I think behaviors definitely get interpreted differently. But you say you’ve noticed people who don’t complain aren’t trusted—is that an external observation or is it about you? If it’s the latter, do you think there might be a low-risk way of breaking that presumption? (I don’t know if you’re still in Japan, but I presume if so that adds another layer of complexity.)

          1. matcha123*

            It is more of a feeling. No one has said anything specifically, but I sense from their actions that they are frustrated? that I don’t join in with the complaining and maybe afraid that I will tell on them or that I dislike them? I am still in Japan, however, the people who I sense distrust from are fellow foreigners, not locals. There is some complain culture here, but more generally people are expected to stay silent about their private lives and grievances.
            Westerners, and some Americans in particular, seem more prone to bond over complaining. I did notice this when I was working in the US too, however.

    4. lemon meringue*

      I think the line between “complaining” and “sharing/commiserating” is a fine one, and depends a lot on the context. Talking about a shared problem can be a really valuable way to gain a sense of social intimacy or closeness, and can be a really validating experience–particularly if, for example, you belong to a marginalized group and are used to your experiences being dismissed by people outside the group. This also brings up the point that the charge of “complaining” is often leveraged against people who are speaking out about legitimate injustice they’re facing, and some people are more heavily penalized for showing any signs of negativity than others.

    5. Buni*

      Growing up – and still – my family’s mindset was/is very much:

      “If it’s something you CAN fix, Stop Complaining and go fix it; if it’s something you CAN’T fix, Stop Complaining because what difference will it make?”.

      Either way, complaining was a waste of time. The end result is that I’ve grown up very bad at listening to people complain, but the absolute Queen of Practical Solutions; friends know not to bother coming to me to vent but will come to me to brainstorm answers, which suits me fine. I suppose I’ve never noticed if it’s put friends off talking to me because I still have *a* role to play…

      1. matcha123*

        Yes! I heard, “If you spent half as much time actually DOING the assignment as you spent complaining about it, you would have been finished already!” and other variations of.
        I have tried to offer solutions based on each person’s situation, until recently. The internet has shown me that some people find venting cathartic and don’t want solutions. Some people even find the offer of solutions be be offensive. That revelation blew my mind and it’s been weighing on my mind.

      2. AGD*

        I was raised like this too, and it wound up causing friction and misunderstandings when people would want to vent in an open-ended way and I’d automatically try to fix their problems.

    6. nep*

      It’s so dependent on context. And as I see it there’s a giant difference between complaining for the sake of complaining and getting attention, and venting for some release.
      I don’t like to complain, only because I know that–as the saying goes–what I take for granted many people are praying for…I certainly have nothing to ‘complain’ about. But I will vent if I feel as if it will help me blow off some steam, to a family member or friend I know I can trust. And often in venting I see the wrong in my own thinking and that helps me proceed differently.
      I think some people learned in early childhood not to complain or in any way express dissatisfaction if their parents/guardians were stressed or troubled in any way; as Gabor Maté puts it, between the two main needs–authenticity and attachment–attachment wins out because we need it to survive in those years. It might be that people who brush it off don’t want to go there, because they have ‘learned’ not to complain.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I think my experience is more like yours. Don’t complain in this house!
      Then as a young adult I saw that people complained all the time.
      I felt compelled to help and as we know that’s a bad plan.

      I got into my 30s and I decided that I just did not have time for venting. I had several people who loved to suck up hours of my time telling me the same terrible childhood stories they had already told me a dozen or more times.

      Through reading and talking with others, I do think that by listening to venting at some point the conversation turns the corner and we are actually keeping an old drama live, giving it more and more credence (justified or not). After 18 years of listening to a relative’s childhood stories I decided, “Enough”. (Hint: Eighteen years is too long!) I thought things would change. I thought I was the only one she was speaking to about this stuff. Nothing changed. And she had these re-visitations with many other people. I gave up. She defined herself as a victim, if I tried to say, “You are a person first and foremost” arguing would follow. I was done.

      I do greet many complaints with, “What have you tried so far?”. I just don’t want to be around people who solely complain and never do anything. This kind of filters people and situations for me.

      I think that people who are okay with chronic complaining and venting flock together. People who want something else move in a different direction.
      I do agree that having some complaint does make us appear more human and more approachable to others. But I think there are many other ways of looking human and approachable.

    8. llamaswithouthats*

      I never thought of this as a cultural thing? In my experience, it’s normal for people to vent every now and again, but if you’re someone who vents ALL the time about the same things, you can get really annoying. I also think there is a difference between simply stating/discussing something you don’t like vs venting. I have a personal policy in place that I will only vent one time about a certain topic to a certain friend, and only vent about 10% of the time during our interactions. I also will only accept the same from other friends. I have both been guilty of being the friend who vents too much, and allowing other people to use me as a sounding board to complain about the same problems over and over again. Never again.

      1. Buni*

        Defo this. I am perfectly happy to listen to a friend vent off after eg a hard day at work, and I’ll join in and sympathise with that, but specifically the people who just re-hash over and over on the same issue for weeks or months or years without even *trying* to come up with a solution, that I just can’t be a part of.

      2. Yep*

        I think it is very much cultural. I am in a country where it is very frowned upon to brag or give yourself airs. This translates to people joking and storytelling in ways that are self-deprecating. Thus is complaining but in a social sense, the complaints aren’t really taken seriously. If you don’t join in I think you would be seen as unfriendly or like you think you are above the other person.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          I wonder if it’s a city vs small town thing? I’ve only ever lived in metropolitan areas with people from all over the place, so I have trouble thinking of certain behaviors as cultural, since I’ve always been around people who behave in all sorts of ways. (Maybe broad differences between different countries but even then…)

    9. Anon for this*

      I spent a fair amount of time this morning considering your question, and I have a few different answers. Some of them touch on other responses that have been given already.

      First of all, I’m a verbal processor. My experience of the world is that my thoughts are all jumbled up in my head, and when I share them out loud with a friend it’s like combing my hair, and at the end things are laid out more neatly and I can understand them better. Sometimes those things can be positive, sometimes negative, but often that’s what I’m doing. If the thoughts I’m working out are negative it can come across as complaining, but that’s not my goal. Fun fact: even when I don’t share what I’m thinking with anyone (because I don’t want to be trash-talking my friends/family behind their back, for example), I will often have conversations with close friends about the issue inside my head, where I imagine discussing the issue with someone else and then imagine their response. It’s not as effective but will usually work eventually.

      I was taught (by family? Culture? School? Who knows?) that it was unacceptable for me to have negative emotions, so for a long time when I’d have a negative feeling about something or someone, I would get in a spiral of anger at the whatever, then anger and shame towards myself for not being perfectly joyful all the time, then spiral down. For a few years, I have a close friend who had figured this out who whenever I would share negative feelings I was having towards something, would respond, “I love you!” A few years further down the road I am finally able to deal with the negative emotions and just see them as a part of life, so I can look at situations more clearly and figure out what to do. The frustrating part of this spiral was that I often knew what the solution was; I just couldn’t get there because of the big emotions. Now, I’m not recommending this as a solution for everyone; it would have been weird coming from someone not super close to me, and I don’t expect most people to provide that kind of listening care. But my point in raising it is that in many cases people who are venting have something going on that is keeping them from seeing solutions. From the outside it may be obvious that the secret to not having to deal with your considerate housemate’s loud noise is asking them to turn it down, but if the person venting is unable to get there, then something is probably blocking them. If a friend is venting to me, I try to think of a helpful response as helping them untangle whatever it is has been blocking them. I don’t find the responses like, “Janet really sucks!” to help with this, but open-ended questions to help them talk it out, possibly followed by something like, “I wonder if you’ve thought of asking them to turn down the music. Is that something that might be an option?” Or if you feel like they’re at the point to consider a solution, “Is there something you think might help in this situation?” But sometimes people just need to untangle their thoughts or get the emotions out so they can figure out what to do.

      Someone else mentioned complaining as entertainment as well, and I’ve done that too. Anything you do, no matter how much you love it, will have aspects you dislike, days that are miserable, etc. Sometimes if it’s that way too much then it might be time to move on, but sometimes it’s nice to turn a miserable situation into a funny one. My personal favorite example of this (and the reason I’m anonymous for this comment – anyone who knows me would know it’s me from this story alone!) is “The time I let a 4th grader cut bubble gum out of my hair with a shard of broken glass”. True story. At the time it was awful, and I remember having had thoughts along the lines of, “What terrible life choices have led me here and can I go back in time and change them???” But now it’s funny in an amusing, slapstick kind of way.

      And finally, for things that you can’t change, sometimes it’s a way to let your feelings out so they don’t keep eating away at you. For example, my housemate & I will regularly say to each other something along the lines of, “I really hate pandemics!” Or, “I really hate the patriarchy!” Etc. We have done what we can to change things, we’ve done what we can to make it bearable, but we can’t destroy either the pandemic or the patriarchy through our simple desire to do so, and so we’ll say this as a way to say, “I’m struggling with this right now!” and the other person will say something back that will say in one way or another, “I hear you; me too!” (That’s true even if the response is a joke, like, “What? You hate pandemics? Why do you never tell me these things?” We both know that’s what’s going on under the surface….)

      I hope that helps. Complaining and group venting can have a lot of different uses, so I wanted to share a few ways I personally find it helpful. Obviously you can also have toxic venting/complaining, and it can really drag a group down if you aren’t careful, so I can understand you wanting to avoid it. But using it in the right way can be really helpful.

  32. Finding Lawyers?*

    When you need a lawyer for something, how do you find a decent one?
    So far I’ve never needed to work with a lawyer for anything, but at some point in my life I will most likely need to (hopefully only for things such as making a will and not because of anything bad, but who knows what will happen).

    I know one person who seems to have a very good lawyer for estate planning related stuff, found only after a very bad situation with a lawyer who took advantage. Another person I know had a very bad experience with a lawyer in traffic court, who didn’t do basic things right and caused a big problem, even though had been recommended.

    Any advice for finding a decent/reliable/trustworthy lawyer? And not paying an exorbitant amount of money?

    (I understand lawyers need to be paid like any other profession, but I think there’s a difference between a reasonable fee, even if it seems like a lot (ex. because paying $1,000 for a proper contract now could save you from paying $10,000 in a dispute), and taking advantage of people in a bad situation/who don’t have the resources/mental capacity to look around and see what is reasonable.)

    1. LDN Layabout*

      To go back to a recent post, networking! Or actually, using your circle of friends/acquaintances to find someone good. There’s still a risk, of course, but it’s the way I feel most comfortable finding a trusted professional.

    2. KuklaRed*

      While I am not a lawyer, I have worked in the legal environment for most of my ~40 year career. The best way to find a lawyer is by word of mouth recommendations. Ask around, post it on a local FB page or check with neighbors, family and friends. Also, you can interview the lawyer before you engage them. Ask a lot of questions during the initial consultation.

    3. Lawyer*

      I would suggest asking for recommendations from friends and a wide variety of sources. Also, lawyers often have reviews on their websites and google. It would be helpful to have some questions for lawyers when you meet with them…
      have you handled a matter like this?
      What is your plan or advice on how to address?

      See what their answers are. If they can’t tell you if they have had something similar, that may tell you whether or not they are as familiar with the necessary steps with your matter or if they don’t have an articulate plan of how to do things, they might not know how.

    4. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Word of mouth (friends, family, workplace colleagues), and/or state bar association referral service. Use search terms:

      find a lawyer StateName

      This will get you your state bar association referral service. (You may have to scroll down past some paid results.) The way referral services usually work is that you pay a flat fee for a limited-time consultation to understand and flesh out your legal issue. Then you can choose to continue using that lawyer, or you can try another. Lawyers sign up for the referral service based on what areas of law they prefer to work in, so you will likely get a lawyer who has experience with the problem you’re taking to them (as opposed to going to a rando lawyer’s office down the street). Tell the referral service lawyer about your financial situation, and they will work with you to help you within your financial abilities or help you find another lawyer.

    5. Generic Name*

      I found my awesome divorce lawyer by asking my stock broker for recommendations. The lawyer who wrote my will is one of my friend’s husbands.

      Recommendations are good, but make sure the person doing the recommending has actually hired that person for the work they’ll be doing for you. I used a roofer who a neighbor recommended, but turns out my neighbor just went to church with the guy and had never done business with him. That roofer is a crook, I sadly discovered later.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      The one time I went to the Bar Association for a referral turned out to be an absolute nightmare.

      I tend to go with word of mouth. It’s always a good idea to ask people what they specifically liked about the person or product they are recommending. It’s amazing the number of people who cannot give a specific reason. Of the specific reasons you do get, look to see which reason resonates with what your needs are. I picked my latest chiropractor this way and I found a gem.

    7. Dan*

      Word of mouth *and* personal comfort level.

      When I got divorced, the first lawyer I consulted was a referral from a coworker who I trusted dearly.

      Except… the guy and I weren’t going to get along very well. While going through assets, he specifically asked about a “pension”, which I definitely don’t have, and said “no”. He never asked about any other retirement accounts. Later on, I volunteered something about my 403b. He said, “I asked you if you had a pension, and you said no. Why didn’t you tell me about your 403b?” I said, “because you asked about a pension and I don’t have one.” He said, “a 403b is a defined-contribution pension, you were probably thinking about a defined benefit pension.”

      Whether or not he was technically correct (and I’m not convinced he was) I figured for $300/hour (which I paid for the consultation) the dude could do a better job with his interrogatories, and if he’s going to ask bad questions that normal people are going to easily misinterpret, and then blame the clients for misunderstanding, well, I’m not paying $300/hour for that argument.

    8. Natalie*

      As others have said, I got a referral when I was looking for an estate attorney. But instead of just asking any old friends I asked other lawyers I knew. I figured they would have more knowledgeable recommendations and I was really happy with the attorney I hired.

      As far as price, for estates at least there is typically a flat fee for different levels of documents. So it shouldn’t be too difficult to shop around and make sure your attorney is charging the market rate.

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Word of mouth is key. When I was looking for someone to review my employment contract as a new physician, I called the local residency program (I was moving from out of state) and asked what attorney their residents used. They were happy to tell me and I got it done for a reasonable fee.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      Echoing everyone else – I’ve luckily only had a handful of occasions to use lawyers, but they’ve always been via recommendations from friends and family.

  33. Potatoes gonna potate*

    Surgery for Tendonitis/Dequervain/trigger fingers…

    I hope this won’t be considered asking for medical advice but questions prior and post surgery for an elective procedure?

    I’ve had hand and wrist pain since 2018; steroid shots and therapy provide temp relief. I Have visited 5 orthopedic drs over 3 years (for various reasons such as insurance change or moving) and all say there’s no specific reason for it. All have said the only permanent fix is surgery.

    What worries me most is the recovery. I’m really weird in that – a tooth extraction took me about a month to recover from while I had healed from my C section in 2 weeks. And I have no idea how I’d manage caring for a heavier, active infent/toddler. I did talk it over with my husband and he’s encouraging me to get it done to prevent further damage.

    In the meantime I see the ortho for a follow up this week. What else can I ask? Im planning to push for imaging this time as he didn’t do them last time before injecting. I plan to ask for more details about recovery and down time, assessing the current damage…What else do I ask? I don’t know what I don’t know.

    Hope this is appropriate to ask here.

    1. Pucci*

      I have trigger thumb surgery about 10 years ago. Steroids weren’t an option because I had a rare side effect from them. Surgery just took minutes and I drove myself home – in fact I was supposed to use the thumb as much as possible. Immediate relief and minimal recovery time (mostly for the stitches). My orthopedic said the recovery time for fingers is a little longer than for thumbs, but I no longer remember why.

      1. Potatoes gonna potate*

        Thank you for sharing your experience. ill keep these thing s in mind to ask my dr

  34. Lynn*

    Looking for recommendations for temporary hair dye (it can be one time use, or last a few weeks). Looking for purple, blue and green to go on untreated blond hair. The trick is that this is for a 5 year old- so anything that requires “don’t touch it or the color with come off on your hand and all over the furniture” is out. Hair chalk didn’t work. Thanks!

    1. Longtime Lurker*

      I’ve used Splat – the 30 day/no-bleach version and with a second shampoo and a lot of rinsing, it doesn’t bleed a lot. Like, yes on pillow cases but not with just casual contact. Will monitor to see if others have good suggestions!

      1. KoiFeeder*

        I’ve been using overtone for brown hair and it hasn’t bled at all once I rinse. I’m very happy with it, although it doesn’t really show much on my hair.

      3. Flabbernabbit*

        +1 for overtone. Will look good on blonde hair. They have conditioners that maintain the colour if you want.

    3. Girasol*

      Wilton paste food color (walmart party supplies aisle) brushed evenly onto a comb with an old toothbrush and then combed in. It goes in best on damp hair that’s let to dry afterward. The blues tend to wash out in the next hair washing. The purple will leave some pinkness behind for another wash or two. I’ve never seen it come off where it shouldn’t once it’s dry, but it will stain fingers a bit when you’re working with it wet. I haven’t tried it on a white pillowcase though; that might be a bit risky.

      1. ThatGirl*

        I used to work for Wilton and I’ve never heard of this, but I would be careful, the dyes are water soluble so if your hair gets wet when you don’t want it to, it could bleed. And it’ll definitely stain fingers while applying.

    4. Dark Macadamia*

      I use Manic Panic semi-permanent for my 5yo! She has light brown hair and it will be vibrant for the first couple days and then gradually fade over the next week or two. Doesn’t seem to leave residue on her pillow or clothes.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      Koolaid packets. I used to use them all the time when I was a teenager. Mix with a bit of water to make a paste, apply, wrap with some plastic to help it set, rinse well. It bleeds a bit but not much, the red and orange and grape work well on blonde hair, it smells nice, and it’s non-toxic.

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      When I had funky hair, I used Pravana “locked in” colors. They’re designed for multi-colored hairstyles, meaning they won’t bleed into the adjacent hair when you wash them out – also meaning they don’t stain the shower, nor do they stain pillowcases or clothes, even if the hair gets wet. They do fade after a few weeks.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      I like Clenditioner to maintain my blue color. Not sure how effective it would be on natural hair, but it definitely intensifies fading color.
      Thirding others’ suggestion of Overtone, but I also got strong temporary color from Punky Colors. It actually lasted longer than I wanted. (Green is not attractive as it fades.) This was on mixed dishwater blond and white hair, unbleached.

  35. Lifelong student*

    Yarn- and other crafts thread- what’s on your hook, needles, loom- or other gadget this week?

    I started Sophie’s Universe- crochet throw. Not really technically difficult but a little hard to read the pattern- there are Youtubes but I haven’t looked at them- probably should because I am making mistakes! Using yarn from my stash. Can’t say I am loving the way it looks- but at least it is not boring.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I’m getting ready to start my last skein (I think!) for an afghan that I’m looming. I didn’t work on it for ages (due to depression), but I’ve been working on it regularly lately. My Eldest has been reading to me and that helps keep me from being bored.
      I’m using an infinity loom and two colors in wide stripes

    2. Never Nicky*

      I’m working on two baby blankets – one for my cousin’s new baby and one for a colleague’s. I made a blanket for colleague’s first child (now nearly five) and she adored it so hoping this one is as loved!

    3. Generic Name*

      I’ve decided to learn embroidery. I’ve found a pretty good started guide on The Spruce website. My plan is to get some supplies and learn the basic stitches. Does anyone have recommendations for brands of floss and the types of fabric to use?

      1. Wishing You Well*

        DMC is a major supplier of embroidery threads. They have over 500 colors of cotton floss. I also love Valdani floss for its deep and variegated colors. Other brands can be just as good but don’t buy super cheap floss (or fabric). Cotton floss comes in 3-ply or 6-ply skeins or balls, so note what you’re getting before buying. Silk floss snags like crazy unless you have princess-smooth fingers; DMC rayon floss is more forgiving. DMC linen and metallic floss are a little stiffer than cotton floss to work with. Note that embroiderers also use other threads besides floss.
        The fabric type depends on your project and your plans for the finished item. There’s a wealth of information out there. Have fun discovering more about this wonderful traditional needlework!

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      I looked this one up – and saw it on etsy. You should take a look at the (four figure) price. May encourage you!

      1. Lifelong student*

        Wow- it really isn’t all that hard- although better yarn for it would increase the cost! I don’t sell my pieces- most of them I give to the local Benedictine sisters. But interesting to know that some think this kind of work should demand that price- of course, these are for sale- not sold for those prices.

    5. NoLongerYoung*

      I did finish the baby blanket and learned baby loves it. (It fundamentally is a sort of chenille yarn jumbo version of the dish clothes I learned with…. IMHO).

      I reverted back and bought more of the polyester “scrubbie” yarn. Those dishclothes have been a huge hit and are so easy to work on (during camera off zooms, or as a one-row-fidget-spinner when I do need to rest my brain). I have given away all but one and people have been asking for more. The bright colors and useful texture has been a mood lifter. I broke down and bought another 8 skeins so I have a couple weeks worth.

      But I want to think about making a spring/summer crochet sweater or shell for myself of some kind. Time to start investigating.

      1. MissCoco*

        What’s your preferred scrubby yarn? And how hard is it on your hands to use?

        I’ve been thinking about trying some scrubbies or dishcloths that incorporate that kind of yarn, but it seems like there might be a bit of a learning curve to working with it

    6. Dancing Otter*

      I’m still slogging away on the sock I mentioned last week, but!
      Today, I finished quilting a bed-sized patchwork quilt I started three years ago. It still needs to be trimmed and bound, but it’s so very close to being done that I’m already thinking about what to work on next.

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’ve made a bit more progress on my skirt (the Sew Over It Ava pattern – it’s a 1960s-style A-line mini skirt). I had a little hold-up last week as the light bulb on my sewing machine gave out and the machine wouldn’t run without it so I had to wait a few days for a replacement bulb, but I’ve since put in a concealed zip and made a start on some pockets, both of which are new skills for me. The zip took a little work, but I think that’s more because the instructions/video guide I had weren’t as clear as I would like (eg not telling you to pull the teeth back when putting the zip in or zooming in enough on the video to show that), although I’m fully aware that’s most likely a ‘me’ problem. We’ve got a long weekend coming up in the UK which will give me some time to work on the skirt, so hopefully it should be done by this time next week! Next up will be a cushion cover – something a bit more basic but also my new couch arrives this week so I want some jazzy new cushions for it – and then a shift top.

  36. eating anon*

    cw: disordered eating
    .
    .
    .
    .

    I’ve always been a bit of a stress eater, but I noticed I’ve been overeating/binge(?) eating a lot more lately. I’ve talked a little bit about it with my therapist, but I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on managing this issue.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I’m the opposite in that my disordered eating shows up as not eating enough. Schedule/routine is what works for me best. So pandemic is not helpful! But if stress is your problem, then selfcare to help deal with the stress will likely help.

      Good luck in being healthy and happy :)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      In the winter, if I am left to my own devices I do not drink enough water. And I end up with dehydration type problems.

      The interesting thing to know about thirst is that it often feels like hunger. So hunger pangs hit or munchies hit, have a glass of water and wait a few minutes, see where that puts you.

      I ended up measuring out the proper amount of water for my body weight each morning. I have it in mason jars on my counter. I can see my progress as I go through the day.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      If stress is the underlying cause, it’s best to try a variety of stress-reducing techniques and adopt the ones that work for you. As for a diet-specific hint, I drink unsweetened, herbal tea when I want to snack. It helps some but using more than one technique would get better results. Sun’s out – I better go for a walk!
      Best of Luck

    4. Not A Manager*

      Another commenter on here recommended a closed Facebook group called “Eating the food.” I think you can find the group in the search bar, but then you have to contact the admins to be admitted. I don’t remember but it wasn’t hard. You might find some good advice there.

    5. peasblossom*

      After years of binge-eating (growing out of other disordered eating), I’ve finally managed to get a handle on it in the last couple of years. A few things helped:

      1.) Identify your patterns and find out how to adjust them as you can. Do you overeat at certain times? See what you can do to change up that eating pattern. Bulk up dinners to make yourself less likely to snack; find an afternoon activity to keep yourself from grazing, etc. Do you binge certain foods? See if you can stop keeping them in the house or try exposure therapy; look for swaps that you can graze a little more nutritiously, etc.

      2.) Look for external sources of support. Facebook groups, online communities, journaling, therapy. These are important because the thing that has helped the most with my disordered eating is:

      3.) Work on emotional management. See what you can discover about the relationship between food and emotional regulation. And give yourself more tools for regulating your emotions. For me, I used to hate my relationship to food, but my disordered eating grew out of a need for self-care. Bingeing wasn’t a good for me form of self-care, but recognizing that I was trying to help myself feel better with it, meant that I could look for ways outside of food to care for myself. I amped up my yoga and hiking, took up knitting, planned getaways with friends, started journaling, etc. None of these “fixed” everything, but helped me figure out what was going on, why, and find ways of managing it.

      I don’t know how serious this is for you, but good luck getting a handle on this! It’s really difficult to find new ways of eating and caring for ourselves.

    6. RagingADHD*

      I signed up for a free video/email course from Mind over Munch. She’s had some really helpful insights about developing emotional intelligence to manage feelings in other ways.

      The thing about emotional eating is that it works soooo well in the short term to get you through whatever you need to get through. It’s extremely effective!

      So we rely on it and don’t develop other tools/skills that could also work, and that have fewer long-term problems.

      No magic bullets, but it seems to be helping.

    7. Dancing Otter*

      Some people do really well with Overeaters Anonymous. A friend lost over 100 pounds that way. As it sounds, it’s a 12-step program, so if the idea of calling on a “higher power” isn’t for you, neither is OA.

      Trigger foods – just don’t have them in the house. I tried individual serving packs, and it didn’t help at all, unless I only had one left. So I just don’t buy chips or cookies or candy at all.

      Reading the nutrition label every.single.time sometimes helps me. “So, if one X is 130 calories, two will be 260, and three will be 390, and four will be 520 – that’s a whole meal’s worth right there!” Or grams of carb, or fat or sodium, or whatever. It’s shocking how much salt there is in things I used to consider a healthy snack.

      Can you substitute? Say, I can have chocolate if I still want it after eating an apple? Unless you’re that rare person who can binge on apples….

  37. Elle A.*

    [Attempting to repost this as a separate comment, after accidentally adding it in a different thread and looking like a jerk.]
    I was recently (like, 2 weeks ago) diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I’m not taking any medication for it right now (though I do take medication for anxiety and depression), and am first looking into other ways to manage it. I struggle much more with the inattentive, disorganized part of it than with the hyperactive part.

    Has anyone else been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult? Do you have any words of wisdom? Any specific advice for feeling like a) maybe this is nonsense and I’m just kinda lazy, or b) how could I have this if I’ve managed to have a career and be successful?

    1. Juneybug*

      No advice but wanted to say you are not a jerk and I think you handled the posting error very well.

    2. ten four*

      Heyo, one of my pals just got diagnosed as an adult with ADHD! You might check out a blog by Black Girl Lost Keys – she has a lot of great resources, info and just general community.

      And a thing I have learned since my own child was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD: it’s framed in the US as being about work/school and competence: like, can you do tasks? Then you must be fine! But there’s a growing body of work that suggests that ADHD is actually primarily about how emotions and thoughts are regulated. I’ve found this frame to be enormously helpful.

      I’m not here to tell you that Medication Is The Answer, but I will say that it’s made an enormous positive difference for my daughter. She’s still 100% herself and the medication makes it easier for her to manage big emotions without spiraling out. Since you’re already being treated for anxiety/depression, which are EXTREMELY COMMON co-morbidities with ADHD it might be worth considering? One possibility is that over time you could replace the anxiety/depression meds with the ADHD meds.

      Anyhow, I bet getting that diagnosis was kind of wild! When we got the diagnosis they told us that the diagnosis is mostly helpful to frame up starting points for understanding and potential interventions; it doesn’t say anything in particular about who a person IS. I hope that you get some good support as you work out how to integrate this info into your day-to-day!

    3. llamaswithouthats*

      ADHD is kind of a misnomer and I hope it gets a new name in the future. It’s not so much about lacking focus or competence, but about how you regulate attention. You can still Do Stuff and be successful as someone with ADHD, and the success doesn’t undermine the issues you might experience from having ADHD.

      1. ampersand*

        Yep! I think of it as executive functioning disorder, which is mainly how I’m affected by it. That term covers a lot of ground but for me means I’m not great with transitioning between tasks or determining how long a task might take, and this leads to procrastination and doing things last minute, among other issues. Medication doesn’t eliminate the problem—but it definitely helps.

      2. RagingADHD*

        I sometimes hear the second “d” used for Dysregulation instead of Deficit, and I think that’s a very good description.

    4. ladygrey*

      look for a local support group for adult adhd – There’s a lot of groups on facebook etc if there’s not one near you. and the website Additude for practical methods!

    5. Moocow Cat*

      My parent was recently diagnosed with ADHD in his 30s. He just started his ADHD prescription, and the improvement is life changing. The guy isn’t, and never was lazy. The fact that he has a successful career proves otherwise. Though he’s had to expend a lot more energy in life to get to where he is. I could tell he had a lot of internal strain just by looking at him. And right now he’s going through a lot of existential life meaning questions. I expect that he’d say trying both counselling and ADHD prescriptions simultaneously has been incredibly positive.

      1. Transform or Transmit*

        Another vote for ADHD medication making life so much easier for someone I know.

    6. mreasy*

      Also ADHD which I was diagnosed with after acing college – it manifests differently in everyone! The medication really helped me, so I would consider it if you can – though I can no longer take it & recognize there are a lot of reasons not to. I do still struggle sometimes but my absolute rigor when it comes to keeping my calendar (I use gcal on my computer and phone for both all work things as wel as anything timely that is personal), using my inbox as a to do list and strictly filing, in addition to creating lists & schedules using a project management app, really helps. I also make myself to do lists on my phone for the weekend chores, and never go to a grocery store or drugstore without a list.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Yup, I’ve talked about this a good bit on here.

      Thing about ADHD is that we tend to be very good at things that seem hard to most people, and struggle with stuff that’s basic to most people. We can be very effective/successful but we do an enormous & exhausting amount of invisible work trying to manage things that neurotypical brains do automatically without even noticing.

      I always recommend “Smart but Scattered” and the “Smart but Scattered Guide to Success” to get a better understanding of your personal strengths & weaknesses in executive skills, and ways you might use the strengths to better balance the weaknesses.

      The 3 most important evidence-based biological things you can do to minimize symptoms are:

      1) Improve your sleep quality & quantity. Sleep hygeine may not be enough. 70% of ADHDers have a sleep disorder, and most disorders can be treated or managed with medical intervention.

      2) Exercise outside in natural light and green space (anywhere you can see/be near grass & trees) as many days as possible. Each of these elements has a proven benefit on brain function. You could get them separately, but stacking them gives you the best return for your time.

      3) Eat enough fresh fruits & veg. The Mediterranean diet has the most research pointing to brain benefits, but the exact diet doesn’t matter as much as increasing whole, minimally processed foods, reducing highly processed foods, and getting a variety of plants & healthy fats.

      The most important self-management concept is to create or find external structure & support. Don’t rely on your brain to regulate itself, because you know that is its weakness.

      Timers.
      Labelling where things belong.
      Having your doctor, pharmacy, accountant, or colleagues contact you when it’s time to do something, instead of you having to remember.
      Autopay & auto-renew everything.
      If you can afford to pay someone else to get random shit done, pay it.

      And expect that no system will work forever. You will, cyclically, have to switch things up and find a new way to do stuff because the way that worked for a while has stopped working. That’s normal & comes with the territory.

      I am very pro-meds but of course understand hesitancy to add anything new if your current regimen is working. If you are in the US, the SNRI atomoxetine was originally developed for anxiety but can actually be more helpful for ADHD as a non-stimulant. Some ADHDers also find that their anxiety & depression ease up when the ADHD is treated, because they actually have less to be anxious & depressed about. All mileage varies, of course.

      Best of luck!

      1. Elle A.*

        There is a ton of good stuff I want to dig into about your response, but first I just need to say, omg, I do indeed have a sleep disorder! This is so interesting!

        1. RagingADHD*

          There’s some interesting research going on, still inconclusive, as to:

          1) Does ADHD interfere with sleep? or

          2) Are ADHD symptoms the waking manifestation of sleep-disorders? or

          3) Is there some underlying issue that produces both things?

  38. Blue Eagle*

    Nonfiction reading thread

    This week I’m reading Dark Money by Jane Mayer. It definitely gets your blood boiling to read about the Koch brothers and how they have indoctrinated Americans with lies that benefit their ability to increase their own wealth at the expense of everyone not in the top 1% of the top 1%.

    First there is the documented record of all of their flouting of environmental regulations that resulted in people’s death. And their response – well, it is less money to pay off the relatives than it is for us to fix the safety defects of their pipelines. Then there are the tax write-offs for donations to their foundations that funnel the money to right-wing think tanks that promote the ideology of less taxes for business and the top 1% and doing away with any safety or pollution regulations on business. Can someone explain how they should get a tax writeoff for that?
    This book, which is thoroughly footnoted, is definitely an eye-opener that everyone should read.

    1. WellRed*

      I actually just this week read Betting on You by Laurie Ruettiman, which is sort of a self help sort of business book. I actually won it here in a giveaway. She’s an engaging writer but the book could have been a bit more focused. I’d also recommend Billion Dollar Loser about Adam Neumann and We Work. Couldn’t put it down.

  39. Teapot Translator*

    Follow-up on my question about my bike last week. Thanks to everyone who commented. I took the bike into a bike shop and explained the problem and the guy simply said, “Oh, that’s normal.” (re: having to pump my tires every 3-4 days) Me: ;_; I’m crying because I’m glad the problem is just life and not me. I took an appointment to get a general service done on the bike.
    My bike doesn’t fit in my car, so I had to cycle there and back. It felt so freeing. A few years ago, I didn’t know how to bike and now, here I am enjoying it even though it’s a bit cold outside.
    For those of us who are coming to the end of the winter season, have you started cycling? When do you plan on riding again?

    1. Venus*

      I’m so happy for you, for the sense of accomplishment at something new.

      I typically only check the air on my tires every few weeks so I probably wouldn’t know if I should do them more often. I guess it depends if you want them to be within range and good enough, or if you want them optimally inflated.

      I haven’t quite got my bike out as everything is covered in dirt and grit and leaves, but the weather has been beautiful as I should this week.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I can almost feel your relief. I am very happy for you.

      My husband was this super geeky guy. One of the many things he would discuss is the drop or increase in tire pressure with the change in temperature. I can’t remember- I think through observation he felt the fluctuation was about 5 pounds for every 10 degrees change in temp. If the outside temp went down 10 degrees the tire pressure went down 5 pounds. Don’t quote me on that, but he definitely found a correlation.

      There’s lots of fun things you can put on your bike that are pretty cool. We were in PA, the heart of Amish country and we found mini- air horns for bicycles. Money so well spent. These things are LOUD. And they do effectively alert drivers of your presence. The air horns also work on dogs who like to run under the front tire. You can find them online if you are interested. They crack me up because the “air tank” looks like a plastic water bottle. And it holds 100 psi of pressure. Cool stuff.

  40. Resources for gifted kids*

    Does anybody have recommendations for online resources for advanced/gifted kids under 8 (math/science/reading up to ~5th grade). We live in a somewhat remote area and the local school does not have a gifted program (plus they have their hands full with the pandemic). We provide plenty of reading / online extra classes in topics of interest. But Ideally I’d like to find a good online dedicated parenting forum on this topic but have not been successful. The younger is particularly academically advanced for their age, but also has some behavioral / social issues (their constant “experiments” are sometimes dangerous / they say the school / peers are boring, but they are not mature enough to play with older kids). We are in California. Parents both work full-time. We do a lot of enrichment activities when we are able to, but cannot homeschool.

    1. Generic Name*

      I’ve heard good things about Kahn Academy online stuff. As for parenting forums, there are lots of groups in Facebook for that. I’d search Facebook for “California gifted and talented parents” or something like that. It’s often abbreviated as “GT”. Is there a local university that offers “camps” during school breaks? Those are often great ways to do enrichment activities. Also look into Scouting. Earning merit badges might provide needed structure and safety for the kid who likes to experiment.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Removed — please do not try to use tricks like this to get through moderation — they subvert rules I have in place for a reason and I don’t want them to spread. Thanks! (Please feel free to post this again without them.) – Alison

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Oh, sorry, not intentional!

        Anyway, google Hoagies Gifted and see if that helps any.

        1. Generic Name*

          Yes! I was trying to think of the name of this website, it all I could remember was a cheetah.

    3. Redhairedrunner*

      I remember that my mom had a book full of safe experiments with explanations about the science you were observing. Having a book of approved and directed experiments with a purpose might help reduce unsafe “experiments”.
      Also my favorite show in elementary school was NOVA on PBS, some of the stuff went over my head but they usually did a good job of explaining big concepts in a simple manner.

    4. Sp*

      My kids were gifted a Kiwi crate subscription which they love. Packages in the mail + STEAM activities make for monthly events.

    5. Grace Less*

      I’m not sure the extent of the behavioral/social issues you’re seeing, but you might spend a few minutes looking online for things related to “twice exceptional”. It explained a lot for me about my academically gifted child and their unique perspective.

    6. “Gifted” parent of a “gifted” child*

      Our approach with our gifted child (and one that I wish my parents had taken with me instead of putting me in a GAT program) has been to emphasize and work on areas in which they are NOT exceptional: boredom tolerance, empathy, attention to detail. Obviously we don’t want to take away all the fun stuff and just work on the tough stuff, but I do think it’s important to emphasize that each person is a whole person, and participating in a conversation that’s not about one of your topics of greatest interest is a skill just as much as being able to conduct a scientific experiment is a skill. We try to make lots of room for both.

    7. RagingADHD*

      Look up Stephanie Tolan’s work on asynchronous development. The mismatch among intellectual, physical/developmental, and emotional/social development that often occurs with gifted kids presents a unique set of parenting issues. I’ve found her stuff very helpful.

  41. Please Do Tell*

    I have 2 questions for childfree people (especially women)

    1. If you’re partnered up, as a woman(I’m straight so can only speak to that experience here), how was your experience finding a partner who also doesn’t want kids? I feel like men don’t think as much about what having kids will mean for them so they default to ‘yes I want them’. Was your experience different?(I hope so!)
    2. How is your lifestyle different from the ‘settle down mindset’ since you don’t have kids? Have you moved around more? Dated someone long-term you’d never marry? Saved $$ differently (I’m finding so many investing/savings resources are geared towards families). All of my friends either are or their goal is to get married and have kids so the only real experience I have with childfree people is a 180 of odd job workers who float a bit on the breeze (I have to admit that lifestyle is becoming a bit tempting as well now though…)

    1. llamaswithouthats*

      No advice – just commiseration as someone who is dating in their late twenties and wants a long term partner and no kids. I explicitly call out “don’t want kids” as a dealbreaker in my online profile. Honestly, most of my dating problems lie with the general fact that I’m just Bad at Dating, but one of the things I notice is a lot of guys my age haven’t seriously thought about this yet, and I’m afraid I’m going to end up with someone who will randomly wake up years down the line like “I want to have babies!” and it will be awkward. I also know there are a lot of guys out there who don’t really respect girls’ decisions to not have kids, and anticipate they will eventually change their mind once they decide they want them, so I’m trying to avoid that.

      1. mreasy*

        Everyone is bad at dating! This is not about you. Source, married in my mid-30s to a guy I met at work after tons of okay online dating pair-ups.

      2. Sc@rlettNZ*

        … I also know there are a lot of guys out there who don’t really respect girls’ decisions to not have kids, and anticipate they will eventually change their mind once they decide they want them, so I’m trying to avoid that …

        OMG, that attitude used to drive me NUTS. I once dumped a guy when he told me that, deep down inside I obviously really wanted kids because I had a much loved cat.

        I knew from a very young age that I wasn’t going to have children. Absolutely nothing about the entire process appeals in any way, shape or form. I generally didn’t have too much difficulty in finding guys who claimed that they also wanted to remain childfree (although my ex husband now has a daughter and he was even more vehemently anti-child than I was). My long-term partner has two children but they were already in their mid to late teenage years when we met (and lived in another country) and they are both now lovely young adults.

        I have travelled extensively (and lived away from NZ for many years) and for most of my 20’s and 30’s I pretty much worked to travel and that’s what all my savings went on. Then I returned home, saved hard, eventually bought a house (and six weeks later met my now partner).

    2. AnonforThis*

      I’m a child-free straight woman in my late 40s who knew from about age 20 that I did not want marriage or kids. I was lucky to find a partner who shares my views in my late 20s, and we’ve been together ever since. When I was actively dating, someone wanting marriage or kids would have been a dealbreaker for a long-term relationship. One of my biggest frustrations was the deep skepticism from others about my choices. I believe this skepticism stems from societal expectations and a sexist culture that generally assumes all women want babies and values motherhood as women’s highest achievement. (If that’s your view of motherhood, fine — but please accept that I don’t share that view.) Boyfriends, family, and others regularly rejected my position on marriage and kids and expressed certainty that I would change my mind or that I would lead an unfulfilling life. (My partner and I married a couple of years ago after same-sex marriage became legal in the U.S. — that was a major hang-up for me as I did not want to be part of an institution that was not accessible to my LGBTQ+ friends. We got married primarily for practical reasons — made getting a mortgage, etc. much easier. For us, it did not change our emotional relationship or commitment.) The “stigma” of being childfree and unmarried — a spinster, god forbid!!! — was also annoying, but I think that stigma has lessened since I was younger.

      As I entered my 40s, I continued to field “who’s going to take care of you when you get old” and “wait until your biological clock starts winding down” type comments, mostly from family. Ugh!! My main advice is: live by the courage of your convictions! You get to dictate the terms of your life. And, as you date, foster the kind of honest, deep, and self-aware conversations with a serious boyfriend that will hopefully reveal his true feelings about fatherhood (rather than your concern that he just defaults to “yes”).

      As for how it’s affected my lifestyle: frankly, I haven’t thought about it much — it’s just my life! It probably heightens the importance of my professional identity (over my “social / familial” identity as a wife or mother) and gives me more time to focus on my professional life. I have had more freedom to move for jobs, to travel and pursue other hobbies, and to live a life unfettered by concerns about childcare access, school districts where I live, saving for college, etc. This kind of independence is very important to me!

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I feel so much that way. I’ve also had to field those questions over the years to the jerks who business it is not. Fortunately it’s less so now that I’m older. There’s nothing wrong about not wanting kids!

    3. OLD*

      Currently in the process of 1, but essentially I have it on in my profile on dating apps, or bring it up fairly early on. in conversation I’m not in the US so there may be some cultural differences here, but I’ve been lucky to so far either have people respond that they either dont want kids as well or at the very least arent turned off by the idea of not having kids.

      On 2, its an interesting question – but I guess the way I see it is that one of the reasons I dont want to have kids is so I can live life on my terms. Have more money to travel (this is key for me, I fully plan on being able to do more of this once pandemic allows!) and ultimately I’d like to move back to my home country, settle down and maybe do some volunteering, part time work, and just enjoy life at a slower pace and doing the things I want to do, whenever I want to do them.

    4. ThatGirl*

      I’m a child free woman about to turn 40, married to a man for 13 years. We are lucky honestly, in that we grew toward deciding for sure we didn’t want kids together and it was never a big problem. We’ve done a lot of the other “settling down” things like buy a house, get a dog, but with no kids life is just quieter. Our savings goals are tied to house related things, vacations and retirement… I don’t think it’s that different, just minus kid stuff.

    5. StellaBella*

      I have known I never wanted kids since I was 12. I am now 51. I have lived in 3 countries since 2008, I have bought and sold a house, have invested and saved into retirement funds thru work and with my bank, but have also used money for a Masters degree at age 47. I literally put a down payment on a convertible this week (first car in 13 years) and I have dated men who wanted kids and been clear about it, and someI have stayed friends with, some not. Right now, I have been single since 2017 and love my life. I am the free spirit in my family and it is fine with me that many of my family do not understand it.

    6. Yellow Warbler*

      I’m late 40s, married for many years. My husband wanted kids, but came around to my way of thinking after taking a step back and looking at the harsh realities of his life. (He has a highly dysfunctional family with a ton of inheritable mental and physical health problems, he was forced by his parents to become a teacher and HATED it so he quit and had a not-quite-midlife crisis, he struggles with his own health problems that will almost certainly lead to early dementia…)

      The very health problems that motivated our stance have imprisoned us as caregivers to his parents and brother, so we’ve been stuck in our tiny sh*tty hometown our whole lives. Our earning potential and retirement have been drastically affected. Frankly, we would never have kept our heads above water if we’d had to pay for a child. I wanted to retire early, but I’ll be lucky to retire at all.

      I struggle a lot with resentment, because I truly did want that carefree life of travel instead of being stuck here. I’m trying to be positive and look for fully remote work that will allow a bit more flexibility in our lives, but the reality is that we will be stuck caring for his autistic brother for the rest of our lives.

      So, being CF has been a bit of an ouroboros for me. That doesn’t make me want kids, but I do think about whether I would have been more fulfilled if I’d stayed single so I could have escaped this town.

      1. allathian*

        If it’s that unbearable, you can honestly get a divorce and fly free. His brother is not your brother and you have no obligation to care for him if you don’t want to. I know I’d never be able to deal with being a personal carer for anyone except my son when he was small.

    7. Courageous cat*

      1. Easy. I have a Certain Personality and date people who also have a Certain Personality and they all seem to go hand in hand with not wanting kids. I’ve dated a TON of people in my 34 years, and never anyone who was dead set on wanting kids (most weren’t even open to it).

      2. We bought a house in the city since we don’t have to worry about public schools. It’s hard for me to answer this otherwise though because I’ve never even remotely considered having children, so I’m not sure what else there is to think about.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I fell into a relationship with a guy who was ambivalent. He felt if a child came along then it was meant to be. So it was a non-issue for him that I did not want kids. I really hadn’t planned on getting married to anyone. But this man seemed to offer stability and consistency that was hard to find. Additionally, he was unflappable. I had “stuff” going on around me that was hard and he did not break stride. I admired his strength.

      Once married we moved once to another apartment and then we bought a house. We both valued familiarity, we did not want to move through a ton of apartments or houses. (We found this shared value through conversations about life experiences.) We both valued keeping life on an even keel- neither one of us was a big risk taker. This guided a lot of our decisions and we were pretty much in sync. We did date for 4 years and HE grew impatient with this process. From my perspective, so much was going on that I was barely aware 4 years had passed. I did agree with him that we should just get married because life stuff was clearly just going to keep happening regardless of what we did.

      Both of us were not good savers. The one way we compensated was to put away any inheritances we received. And we were diligent about that. I think we would have been bad savers with or without kids. Child status probably had no bearing.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Well, I definitely wanted them and ended up not having them due to not finding the right partner. :\It hasn’t made anything different.

      I have friends who never wanted kids and don’t have them. They found spouses who also didn’t want them. You have to be really upfront about it and as non-apologetic as possible. I would recommend lots of discussion on the subject with a potential partner, because you’ll need to know how the other person reacts to the societal pressure to make a family. Are they likely to cave to familial entreaties? That likely won’t work long-term.

    10. Filosofickle*

      Childfree woman, partnered with a man. I didn’t find it hard to find men who were open to no children — in my experience, it’s far easier to find a man who’s flexible on this than a woman! The majority of men I came across still wanted them, but maybe a quarter were cool with it? Something like that. It was harder in midwest vs. California where I moved in my late 20s. I pretty much always dated online and appreciate that you can say that up front. A larger issue was finding a man who didn’t already have kids. Unless the kids were adults (maaaaybe) I was not open to being a stepmom any more than being a mom.

      It did free me up to move around in my 20s/30s and start my own business and I loved that freedom. Lots of parents I know would like to work for themselves or even just change jobs, but they fear losing stability and they need family health insurance. Planning for retirement money doesn’t really change. You can’t ever assume your kids will take care of you anyway. And the good news is you don’t have to pay for their college!

    11. KeinName*

      My life is very boring:-) I‘m at an age where I could probably still have children but I still do not feel motivated, and my partner of 14 years has recently started a company which is now his baby so to speak. So for him, he has this new thing in his life. For me, I‘ve always done interesting work and just now feel like I am somewhere I want to stay long-term. I do not feel that there is a parallel life of being more settled, since most of my friends also do not have kids (but do have careers and degrees and partners). They are also very boring and just spend time with friends, sit in the park and read, do some art, watch TV… and the friends who have kids aren‘t any more accomplished in life than we are.
      But I will say, personally, I often feel I could fill my life some more (but then I also get exhausted and overwhelmed very quickly).

    12. Dan*

      1. Many guys *do* want kids. I don’t know if guys in general say “yes” to that question because they think that’s what most women want to hear, but I just put something non-committal down. It is very true that I don’t want kids *right now* but I also can’t commit to how I’ll feel X years down the road. (That said, I’ve always said that I don’t want kids in the next two years, and I’ve been saying that for 20 years. If somebody partners with me *expecting* to change my mind, they could be frustrated.)

      Just out of curiosity, how often is this an issue? It seems that most of the time, questions related to this topic are focused on women who want kids / want more kids, and their partner is dragging their feet, stringing them along, or otherwise refusing to change the status quo.

      Although for this one, age is a *big* thing. In their 20’s and perhaps early 30’s, it’s entirely possible guys are thinking way more about “having fun right now” and really not thinking about having kids all that much. However, once they get into their late 30’s, I think you can figure out PDQ where they’re at. The guys who wanted them have probably had them, and the guys who don’t have them, well, probably don’t want them.

      2. As for the money… I’ll be honest, this has really shaped my views on having kids. I grew up pretty poor and took on a lot of debt for college. I knew from a young age (like in grade school if you can believe that) that if the choice came down to being financially comfortable vs having kids and being perpetually broke, the choice was a very easy one and I wasn’t giving up the money. I’ve done reasonably well with my career in the last few years, but I live in an HCOL area. I borrowed just short of $100k for my BS and MS, and it’s almost paid off. However, I’m still renting, and housing where I live is Not Cheap. And TBH, the mere idea of having to pay for more college tuition makes me gag.

      So yes, because there are no kids, there are lots of kid related expenses I don’t have to plan for. Investing is pretty bland (target life cycle funds in my 403b). And there’s not a lot of blog or youtube content that can be generated on that topic. I do, however, travel internationally extensively which I couldn’t do with kids. I do, however, keep a traditional job. My coworkers can probably pick up on the fact that I don’t have kids because I never refer to them.

      And also, without kids, there’s no practical reason for *me* to get married (again.) Did it once, and I’m not doing it again just for the sake of it. The legalities of undoing a marriage have IMHO outlived their usefulness, so I’m not signing up for that again just for the sake of it. (Doubly so because my SO of the last few years makes way less money than I do. If things were to not work out, I’m probably toast $-wise.)

      1. Please Do Tell*

        I’m 32 and on dating apps, I find most men have ‘Want kids’ listed on there. I’ll also say in the NYC area there are a lot of men into their late 40s who still list themselves as wanting kids. I don’t let it affect if I match with them, I usually just make a mental note to ask them about their family plans sooner rather than later.

        I make it known that I don’t want kids and if you should plan to not have kids if we stick in this long term. I put the ball in their court. I’m not the one who will be giving anything up choosing to stay with them- I just might get dumped later down the line which can always happen. Even when I dated a guy who didn’t want kids, he was convinced I would change my mind and that would be the end of our relationship (obviously had a lot more to do with him than me and that wasn’t out only problem).

        1. Dan*

          TBH, late 40’s and “wants kids” and means that sincerely is something I find puzzling, at least in large numbers. It’s not that it can’t be true in some situations, but at that point in life, it’s pretty much been figured out by choice or circumstance. I can certainly say that my ability to pay for children will increase in the future, but my desire to *actually* pay for them? Well… not really in my long term plans.

          As for that guy in your last paragraph, I have to ask, how much of your concern here is colored by that one experience alone? Had you not indicated other problems with him, I’d have said that anybody who doesn’t take you at your word, or otherwise tries to convince you that you don’t believe what you believe should get the DTMFA treatment. Life’s too short to spend time with people who don’t respect that others have different views than they do.

          1. traffic_spiral*

            Judging from the guys I know, the “wants kids” of a guy in their 40s often means “wants a 15-years-younger wife, and a kid they will financially provide for but otherwise be a “fun uncle” to. The 40-year-old guys who actually want kids but don’t have them through circumstance usually just date single moms.

          2. Person from the Resume*

            I also assume the 40+ man still sincerely wanting kids of his own is advertising for a younger wife. And I also think he might not plan to be that involved in his kids’ lives because who wants to chase after babies in their 40s and chauffeur their teens around into their 60s.

            A less negative interpretation may be he is just trying to signify he’s open to dating a woman with kids. I’d say conversations are needed and a CF person sadly needs to be extra adamant about their position because our heteronormative society assumes everyone is straight, everyone wants to get married, and everyone wants biological children.

    13. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      1. My ex-husband nodded along with me when I said I’m never having kids, I’ve known that since I was eight, etc, and it turned out that as far as he was concerned that would all be out the window within a couple years of getting married and of course I would change my mind because all women want children after they’re married. We were divorced before our fourth anniversary. :-P my current husband doesn’t want kids because of the health problems that run in his family, including his twin brother and both of twin brother’s kids, so for us it was never a concern so much as “No, never, right?” “Right.” “Check.”

      2. Weirdly, I have a four bedroom house around the corner from one of the best public high schools in the region. But that’s because I have bedrooms for me-and-husband and brother, a guest room, an exercise room, and office space for all three of us (bro and I WFH full time, husband 60-80%) in different areas of the house so we don’t interrupt each other. No room for kids. :-P

      1. Filosofickle*

        Oh that suuuucks. My partner and I didn’t meet til our mid 40s, and he’d even had a vasectomy so there was little chance of either of us reneging. People still occasionally say something like “it’s not too late!” and I’m like…48 + vasectomy = seriously?! Just stop.

    14. MissDisplaced*

      I’m in my 5o’s and child free by choice. I can honestly say I never felt any strong urge to have kids, although when I was a teenager I did think maybe I might have ONE if my future husband “really wanted a kid.” Never happened so… that ship has sailed.

      1. My husband felt a lot like me. Kids weren’t really a priority in life. We’ve been together since our 30s and just couldn’t seem to imagine life with kids.

      2. Hm. Yes, I suppose I did move around more, take more risks, etc. Earlier in life money was a huge issue and it was difficult to support even myself let alone kids. Now that the financial picture is better, we do enjoy travel and we both pursued college later in life. We do have pets! I also have nieces and nephews and now they have young kids. I don’t dislike kids, but wasn’t pining for the hassles either.

      I have no regrets! I honestly never felt I missed out on anything by not having kids. A few times certain jerkoff types tried to make me feel bad by saying I was selfish. But if I am, well I guess I wouldn’t have made a good parent then anyway. At least I know that and didn’t cave to societal pressure.

      1. Please Do Tell*

        Thanks for this comment as it really echoes all of what I feel. I also never had a strong urge to have kids and I figured I’d just get it one day. I’m 32 and have never been in a serious relationship. When I turned 30, I felt the clock ticking and thought ‘ok if I meet someone and they really wanna have a kid, then I’ll know how I feel at that point’. But since deciding that, I really realized I’m not in a rush to settle down. Then my sister had a kid and I realized while I love my niece and nephew, that was not how I wanted to spend the next 20 years of my life. I felt such a weight off my shoulders.

        I love your last 2 sentences- I came from a family where i often felt resented. I don’t want to feel that way towards my kids. I don’t think I could bring a kid into the world unless I knew I could accept all of their life choices and not try to push them to be a mold of something I expect. That’s not something I can commit to.

    15. Question*

      First, thank you for this question — I really enjoyed reading everyone’s responses.

      1. I met my husband on a dating app when we were 27. I already knew I didn’t want kids and was nervous about finding someone who felt the same. By our 3rd date, we could tell that what was developing between us was really special — but we hadn’t yet had the all-important kids-or-no-kids conversation. That night, he asked me something about “if you were to have kids…” His intentional phrasing of “if”, not “when” was like music to my ears. I said then that I didn’t want kids. He took it in stride saying that he wasn’t totally sold on the whole kids thing, and we continued to talk about it then and on the next date. He hadn’t thought about it a whole lot, but he was not only open to the idea, but positively gravitated towards it.

      What has always been a fear of mine is- what if one of us changed our mind and the other didn’t? We have discussed this a lot and the only answer is that we would try to come to a mutual decision (about whether to do it or not, not whether to stay together or not — that one’s a no-brainer). Thankfully, over the last half-decade, we have only grown more and more certain that we don’t want kids. Many of our friends and family are having babies, and while we couldn’t be happier for them, at the same time, we are privately thrilled that we won’t be doing that.

      2. We are very career-focused, so yes, this has a definite bearing on our “now” and “later” but also on the distant future.
      The “now”: I got accepted to a fully-funded graduate program which basically means long hours, little pay. He works long hours too. We couldn’t do this if we had kids — I’d need to leave my program and earn more, and he would need to work fewer hours (there’s no way I would take on the lion’s share of parenting, it would need to be equally split).

      The “later”: When we bought our house, we didn’t need to consider school districts or anything like that. Even more importantly, we don’t need to save for kid-related expenses. This is huge.

      The distant future: Having kids is definitely no guarantee that you’ll be taken care of in your old age, but we do plan to save for things like assisted living, extended end-of-life care, etc. This will be in addition to general retirement funds because they are exceedingly expensive. Related — I recommend the terrific book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande — he gives an excellent overview on how the lack of mortality planning affects people and families.

      1. allathian*

        It’s always better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. There’s still a huge taboo about parents, especially moms, who cave in to societal pressure to have kids they didn’t really want and who hate being parents. That’s how you get parents who resent their kids.

    16. Choggy*

      I met my husband when we were both “older”, I was 34 and was 38. I enjoyed my single life, and was surprised to have met someone I wanted to settle down with. We never talked about having kids, and just sort of knew having our own was not of interest. We have enjoyed traveling, but are more homebodies than anything now that we have been saving for a custom built home. I was never looking to settle down and get married but things just happened organically. With regard to savings, he and I both have jobs with pensions (I actually have two), as well as 401ks. We also have diversified holdings that include Roth IRAs, money market and brokerage accounts. We opted to get long term care coverage for when/if we need it. We are looking forward now to (his) retirement next year, at age 61 and hoping to relocate and with me continuing to work remotely when we relocate and start building our home. I think you just have to figure out what is important to you and works for your lifestyle.

    17. Coco*

      I’m (female) married and we are child free. I never wanted children. Even as a child I knew I didn’t want the responsibility.

      When we first met, spouse was ‘maybe if it happens I guess I can deal’ but that has changed to more of a ‘I’m glad we don’t have them’. I’m in my early 40’s now. After I hit my late 20’s I don’t think I dated anyone interested in having kids. It might be a location thing- I’m on the east coast and my friends and work colleagues are a mix of child free and with child. Maybe not 50/50 but not too far from it.

      I feel like we have more financial freedom. Spouse and I both have a number of hobbies and they are not inexpensive. We also have dogs that we feel free to spoil. I think we have an easier time saving for retirement because we don’t have child care expenses. My friends with kids were spending $300 to $400 a week on child care (a few years ago).

      One friend with kids after a divorce moved in with her parents because financially it was too difficult. The arrangement worked great for everyone involved but not everyone has a family or good family relationships.

      I think if you love kids and want them, they are worth it. But there are plenty of people who like their life child free and enjoy everything that comes with it.

    18. Wishing You Well*

      Lifestyle is more about your style than your parental status. Child-free people are freer to “float” but the child-free couples I know are just as settled down as people with kids. (Maybe it’s being a couple that causes that. Dunno.)
      1. I’m a child-free married woman. I was very clear on not ever wanting kids when we were dating. We’ve been married a long time. Hubby did not say whatever I wanted to hear and he did not assume I’d change my mind. (He’s a prince among men!)
      2. Our lifestyle is very settled down but that’s our style. We own our house and tend to stay put. Investing advice should be the same for everyone: basically, avoid debt and save for the future!
      3. (Let me add this.) Neither life choice is superior to the other. There’s only what’s right for you.
      Best Wishes

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I think it was the Buying A House part that settles you down. Suddenly you become “house poor” or if it was a fixer-upper it’s called constant projects! :-) Before we bought a house, we traveled and moved around a lot more often.

    19. Girasol*

      I’m 65. I only ever had two boyfriends. My first had my whole life and all my pregnancies planned out for me. He figured he could change my mind about having kids. Not only did I not want kids but Mum used to tell me that she’d “gone from being my daddy’s little girl to being your daddy’s little girl” and I didn’t want to end up having my life ruled like that. So I kinda ran screaming. My second boyfriend didn’t want kids – already had a vasectomy – and I’m still with him 35 years later. I bumbled into a remarkably good and long career. We followed all sorts of passions and adventures together as we fell into them. I never internalized the mommy role as default, so it wasn’t a matter of “How will we live differently?” I haven’t run into any stumbling blocks with financial tools made for families. The only issue I see is that hospitals tend to send home elder patients who are not ready to care for themselves because it’s assumed that their daughters will drop everything and nurse them. But I’m not sorry that we didn’t have kids just to have unpaid nurses.

    20. StripesAndPolkaDots*

      1. Finding a partner who also didn’t want kids was no problem. I don’t think I ever dated anyone who wanted kids.
      2. We move a lot, though it’s reached the point that I’d like to settle down in one place! We’ve moved places we couldn’t have afforded with kids and travel when we like. We have a long term savings (like for buying a house or emergencies), short term savings (vacations), cash account, and then retirement savings.

    21. MEH*

      Hello! I’m female(ish), bi, and nearly fifty. I realized in my early twenties that I didn’t want children. It was such a relief to realize that I didn’t have to have them, despite what society (and my mother) kept telling me. I was very blunt about it with potential partners and if anyone had a problem with it, well, they weren’t the right person for me. I never wavered on this as my desire not to have children was very strong. A decade or so later, I realized I didn’t want to get married so that made the child issue even easier to deal with.

      As to your second question, it’s hard to say how it’s changed my life because I never had children so I can’t really compare. I will say that I’ve been able to travel whenever I wanted and wherever I wanted which has been many places over the last few decades. I’ve been able to save thousands of dollars by not having kids and more importantly, didn’t mess up my mental health more than it’s already messed up. I knew that having children would be a negative in my life and while I rarely think about it except when other people bring it up or in answering questions like this, I know in my heart that I am infinitely happier for not having them. I was told I would regret it/change my mind/should have kids because it was my duty, etc., and none of that has been true. It’s been such a positive for me.

      1. Question*

        The feeling of relief when I realized I didn’t have to have kids, despite what my mom and society was telling me — yes! I 100% relate.

    22. mreasy*

      Things about being childfree (my partner is even more strongly so than I am) that are different vs my friends with kids: I don’t care about owning a home, I have a job that requires a lot of travel and that is fine, I am able to donate a good chunk of money because, while I do save a decent amount, I only need an emergency fund for me (my husband has his own). We got married, but on our own terms – no timeline/pressure, and we get to be the fun aunt/uncle to all our nieces & nephews. We have record collections & read a lot of books. And get plenty of sleep (cats notwithstanding). Recommended!

    23. Language learner*

      33, child-free, married my husband in 2019 but had been together since 2014. Not wanting kids is something we discussed pretty early on, as well as other important life things like staying in the city we live in, traveling, what type of traveler we are, do we want a big wedding, things like that. Some things are more flexible than others but imagine being an adventure traveler who’s seriously dating someone who prefers to stay in all-inclusive resorts. Someone would have to give in eventually.

      We’ve both chosen a child-free life based on the things we want in the future: freedom, money, and sanity.

      We’re in talks about quitting our jobs and moving abroad for a bit, then come back to the states. Sure, you could do that with a kid but your life and decisions revolve around said kid instead of yourself at that point. Money is also a huge thing. We’ve both been able to save up an insane amount of money, thanks to the jobs we have and the low cost of living it is where we live (Austin, Texas – although, it’s becoming very expensive!)

    24. Person from the Resume*

      I’m lucky in that I don’t have kids and realize now that I never wanted them. I just assumed I’d get married and have kids because that’s what people did in my rural hometown and what my military colleagues did too.

      When it was not in a relationship in my lates 30s and came to accept I wouldn’t have kids, I realized I didn’t care.

      I also realized even later than the kids thing that I had only assumed I was straight. Now it’s easier that I’m dating other queer women in my age range just to look on the dating app because no one my age is still looking to have kids. I’ll date someone with late teenage children but not someone with young kids that I would end up as a step-parent.

      Honestly I’ve saved a lot of money by not having kids and only having to pay my own way through life. I will be able to retire younger than many and I’m looking forward to it, but also since I won’t have family to take care of me (take me in) I know I have to pay my own way through retirement. Luckily I also have a pension.

      Money-wise I have never been a big spender. My car is not at all fancy. I do buy new and drive it until it can’t be driven any longer. But I do own several moderately expensive bikes and don’t stress the cost of the sporting leagues or other hobby related stuff that my friends with kids can’t afford the time or money on.

      I would say you need to make friends with other child free people. Not exclusively, but friends with babies to mid-teens will not have the time that you do so it’s good to have child free friends. My best friends do have kids. One has kids all over 18. The other is divorced so only has the kids half the time. I really only see her when the kids aren’t around because she’s busy with them when she has them.

      1. Person from the Resume*

        I don’t know why but people have rarely talked to me about having kids or why I didn’t.

        Maybe I gave off a super queer vibe before I even knew, a extremely non-maternal vibe (I honestly don’t like spending time with kids because I don’t know how to relate to them), or I’m just stand-offish enough that people didn’t dare pry.

        When I was younger and just assumed I would I kids, I planned it only after finding the right guy and getting married so no one ever pushed.

  42. Home renovation*

    I’ve been having this feeling for a while, probably aggravated by working for over a year now, but I would like to get rid of all my furniture and stuff and really downsize. I have some old (think grad school furniture) and some better pieces but nothing feels like me. My living room table doesn’t really fit my apartment layout, I have this massive desk my parents gave me that is beautiful in some ways but it’s just no me anymore, a loveseat I don’t ever sit in, etc. etc. I have been decluterring slowly. I don’t know how to go about rethinking my whole space. Do I just discard these larger pieces so I can see more clearly? Should I have something to replace them before discarding? I keep imagining what if I have people over? Any guidance appreciated.

    1. fposte*

      Ooh, what an interesting topic! Some of this depends on how your mind works, but have you found any images of places that evoke what you’re looking for? I wouldn’t feel obliged to have a replacement ready in the wings when I got rid of something but I would need to be ready with an interim plan so there wasn’t just a pile on the floor that I grow comfortable with and keep for a decade.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Get rid of whatever you don’t want to keep. (Don’t make daily life nonfunctional though!) Then start fresh, and if you’re camping out for a while that’s ok. If you have people over, just explain what you’re doing and laugh it off as a post-covid weirdness. There’s going to be lots of post-covid weirdness.

    3. Juneybug*

      1. Figure out what furniture you do need (small desk in a corner instead of family cast-off, round table dining table with four chairs, sofa, end table instead of coffee table, TV stand with storage, etc.). Maybe more seating for guests?
      2. What furniture would make you happy? Example – I have a small living room so I wanted a love seat that I could nap in while my hubby needs a recliner for health reasons. That is what we have and it makes us so happy.
      3. Walk around furniture stores to get ideas and ask questions. Don’t feel pressured to buy until you have a clear idea of what you need. Take pictures to look at later. Test the furniture. I can’t tell you how many love seats I laid down on to find one that would work for me.
      4. Measure, measure, measure your space and possible furniture dimensions. Plus determine if your new furniture could fit in your door, hall, up the stairs, elevator, etc.
      5. Mock up the furniture in your space. Use painter tape on the floors and walls to mark the space where your furniture would go. I quickly realized that a sofa would not work well in my small living room but a love seat, recliner, TV stand, and a bench under the window would fit perfect. I threw in two small end tables (we are readers so needed the lamps) and cowhide rug (faux) and my space is perfect.
      6. Choose colors. You can go neutral (light or medium colors like gray, brown, or beige), go bold, or do both. I decided to go both neutral and bold. My love seat and bench are dark blue while my hubby’s recliner is brown leather. The end tables are dark wood. My accents are gold and brass (one lamp is brass, another is blue glass, gold bowl that holds special items, etc.). I knew I could go with darker colors because my living room and connected dining room get plenty of light. Plus my walls are light beige.
      7. Purchase furniture from various low and high end stores. My love seat and bench came from Target (it’s going on two years and still looks brand new) where the recliner came from Macy’s. End tables from local furniture store. Lamps from Walmart and Target. Rug from Amazon. I would have been fine purchasing from high end stores as well (but feel lucky that I wanted was cheaper).
      8. Feel free to return what doesn’t work for you. I returned some lamps and a coffee table that didn’t work for our space with no issues. Unless it’s a custom piece, stores will allow returns.
      9. Enjoy your new furniture and have a party!

    4. Yellow Warbler*

      Furniture and appliances are hard to come by right now, so I’d research timelines before tossing anything. My bff ordered a couch and has had the delivery pushed back twice, she paid for it in October.

      1. Juneybug*

        Yellow Warbler – great advice! I have been on backorder for a dishwasher for 1 1/2 months now. I would have felt terrible if Home Renovation got rid of stuff and then had nothing! Thanks!

    5. Chaordic One*

      I’ve been going through something similar. Start by getting rid of the furniture that just sits there, unused to free up some space. Keep the things that do serve a purpose, even if they’re ugly and not you, at least for a little while, because you do need to have a few pieces to function. Then set about replacing the ugly furniture with things that are more you. When your find that perfect piece (or something close to it), buy it and then offload the old ugly piece. I’ve had good luck getting rid of old furniture Craigs List and there are a couple of local websites that are similar. I sold most things cheaply and never made much money doing so, but I felt the prices were fair. A few things I ended up giving away for free or having to take to Good Will, but it was worth it to get rid of them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is EXACTLY what I did when I moved, and it’s excellent advice. It felt so good to watch them go out the door, never to clutter my space again.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I’d start by taking away anything that you do not use. If you have to think about a given item, go back to it later and deal with the items that are easier to decide on.

      So clearly- you can’t get rid of your bed. You need a table and chairs to eat and a desk for work. I like a chair in the bathroom. I use it in some way almost daily. You may find some furniture is actually something you use. I put a little chest of drawers in the entry. The drawers hold my scarves, hats and mittens. I can sit on the chest to put on my heavy winter boots or to take off said boots. Other things just aren’t working out. I have two desks in the den. I only use one of them.

      You may decide just to paint some furniture and keep it.

      I have removed enough stuff that I am thinking more about doing one-for-one swaps now. The desk I would prefer to keep STILL is not my taste. If I have the opportunity I will swap it for something else I have my eye on. To pick out a new desk, I really thought about what would work best for me and how to locate in this room. It will probably end up being the main piece in this room as I will just have a couple chairs with it.

      I do think that taking your time is wise. Doing a little comparison shopping might save some regret later.

    7. Emma2*

      I think one factor to consider is your budget – if you have loads of money, you could replace everything quite quickly with things you really love, but otherwise you may find that you can only invest in a couple of amazing pieces, and have to compromise on everything else (so it might be better to compromise by keeping some of your current things, saving some money, and then switching them out over time as you can afford to do so).
      I would focus on either or both (1) finding some pieces you do love and swapping them out with things you don’t; and (2) getting rid of things that prevent you bringing things you love into the space (e.g. the over-large table in your living room is probably going to constrain other things you bring into the space, and you don’t want to design around things you don’t like).
      You can find designers who will do online consultations (or in person once things open up). If you don’t know what you want to do, investing in a consultation, even a short one, could be worthwhile – home furniture mistakes can be expensive. If you do opt for a consultation, it is probably useful to spend some time in advance going through furniture websites or magazines and picking out some things you think you like to help the designer understand what your style might look like.
      Finally, I would recommend the Domino Book of Decorating – it is probably 10-15 years old now, but I really liked how they would show a picture of a room, explain why they thought it worked, and then give ideas about how you might create a room to suit different styles. I loaned my copy to someone and it has not been returned, but my recollection is that it would talk about things like how colour and texture were used in a room, and would have pages that would suggest the types of things you might bring into a room to go towards a particular style (e.g. bohemian or traditional) and how you might put them together. For me, it was a bit like decorating for dummies, with beautiful illustrations, which I found useful.

    8. WoodswomanWrites*

      I can relate to this since my furniture has been pretty much whatever I could get cheap and easily. What has worked for me is just starting with individual pieces rather than looking at my entire place. It’s less overwhelming that way.

      For instance, I had an ugly nightstand I picked up at a flea market decades ago. When I realized I’d like something nicer, I did a search on Craigslist for a couple weeks. I found a beautiful wooden nightstand with drawers and a marble top that was inexpensive, and I was able to give away the old one through Freecycle. The new nightstand prompted me to finally deal with the bedside lamp on the nightstand. The lamp is lovely but the lampshade was hideous. I found a new lampshade at a local shop.

      Same process with my dining table and chairs. My neighbor who was moving sold me his nice set and I was able to give away my old ones that I got as freebies from a friend years ago. Now I’m looking at my living room loveseat a friend sold me years ago. Once I’m fully vaccinated, that one is going away and will be replaced by two upholstered chairs that I’ll shop for brand new.

      It has been really helpful for me to break this down by individual items, rather than trying to look at whole rooms. Perhaps this could work for you as well.

  43. Jen*

    Someone asked about non clumping cat litter last week and I mentioned I recently tried it and not liking it. Well, my cat did. I tried switching back and my cat protested by peeing and pooping right in front of the litter box. Guess I’m sticking with non clumping litter…

  44. Frally*

    I convinced my partner that we should get a treadmill. It won’t become a place to hang clothes, I promised. I’ll use it every day, I promised. But to my horror I don’t really like using it! I watch shows on my phone while I walk but I’m still bored and checking the time every minute to see how much longer I have to go. Any tips for enjoying the treadmill?

    1. Chestnut Mare*

      I hate the dreadmill under any and all circumstances but the only thing that helps make the time go faster than a snail’s pace is listening to audiobooks or podcasts. I need my brain to be really engaged. I think it’s because there’s no ambient noise, or breeze or changing scenery like there is when I run outside, so my brain needs a lot more stimulation.

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I like podcasts and audiobooks too, I find I’m less likely to check the time. One thing I really like is a guided walk or run. I use an app for guided runs but I’m sure there’s ones out there for walks too. I find that the variety is more engaging when on a treadmill.

    3. Meh*

      Have you tried watching a running class? One where the paces are changed/timed? A coach telling you what to do can change your focus

    4. nep*

      I like to listen to meditations while on the treadmill. I used to like pumping music, but that just doesn’t do it for me now.
      Have you tried audiobooks? I’ve never tried that, but it could help.
      From time to time I like to do some ‘interval training’ on the treadmill–break up the monotony a bit. Maybe play some Tabata or other interval-timer audio and alternate between full throttle (whatever that is to you) and less strenuous.

    5. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      There are YouTube channels, if you have a way to watch them while on your treadmill, that are “scenery” – I’ve done some that are runs through the red rocks around Sedona, and a couple that are guided jogs through Disney parks. Having something interesting to look at makes it more interesting to me. And if that works for you, the iFit app (which usually has a one month free trial too) has a lot of those virtual trail runs with different coaches.

    6. Always Late to the Party*

      In the BeforeTimes I would do intervals while listening to high energy music. I found changing the pace so often helped keep me engaged. I also have a tendency to constantly check the time, but if you’re changing the pace frequently, that’s actually helpful.

      I would do:
      2 Min Slow; 2 Min Medium; 2 Min Fast
      2 Min Medium; 2 Min Fast; 2 Min Medium
      2 Min Fast; 2 Min Medium; 4 Min Slow

      “Slow” “Medium” and “Fast” are all relative to each other – “Fast ” can just be the fastest pace you are comfortable with and then scale down for medium and slow. “Fast” for me started out as a speedwalk and then I moved to a light jog over time.

      If you do this 5x per week then you are consistently using the treadmill but sacrificing less than 2 hours of your life every week. You can also make the intervals longer (3 minutes instead of 2), or crank up the speeds as your body becomes adjusted to what you’re doing. If you have a show you like that’s ~20 minutes long, you may prefer that to music. Personally I really needed the energizing music to motivate.

      Also “every day” is a lot. Even with activities you enjoy, you’ll get bored doing them every day. 3-5x/week is still enough that you’re “using it” in my opinion. Better to do 3x/week long term than 7x/week for two weeks and then give up completely. Start small to build the habit.

    7. Aly_b*

      I like to watch sports while doing any form of stationary cardio, usually also while listening to a podcast. I don’t watch sports in my normal life otherwise, but something about watching someone skate after a puck or chase down a soccer ball while I get a little exercise feels like a bit of solidarity, I guess?

    8. fastidious frog*

      Can you do something like HIIT with it? A minute as fast as you can go, 3 or 4 minutes recovery, repeat? At least it would change things up.

    9. PollyQ*

      Can you get a bigger screen? Watching TV might be more engaging if it’s taking up more of your vision.

    10. Dan*

      Environment has a lot to do with things. There was a stretch where I was using the treadmill multiple times per week at the gym and reasonably enjoying it, but the trainer told me to work a bunch of other things in to my routine.

      My apartment complex has a really tiny gym. It’s got a couple of different cardio machines and a couple different “all in one” weight setups, but the room is pretty drab and dull, and not a “welcoming” place to work out.

      There’s a gym within walking distance of me. It’s not the cheapest thing around, but it’s convenient. It’s also warm, welcoming, and pleasant and feels lively. I go five days a week, and going doesn’t feel like a chore, it feels like it’s something I want to do. (And on days where I just don’t “feel” like going, I go anyway, and then feel glad that I did, hah.)

    11. Identifying remarks removed*

      I put a towel over the display so I can’t clock watch. Then I watch a dvd or an episode of a series on my iPad – usually 45 mins. I can’t watch it if I’m not on the treadmill so it gives me incentive to keep walking and find out how the episode ends. Currently walking my way through Magnum PI – the original series.

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        No streaming or TV normally – but I used to find something “sort of addictive to watch” and let myself ONLY watch it on the treadmill or elliptical. I found I’d do the whole show in order to get to the end, every night… for the right show.
        I’ve been thinking about “splurging” on a netflix subscription to jump start back into it… I stopped and it’s hard to get restarted.

    12. Workerbee*

      Elliptical user here, but—
      —Time of day and duration can make a difference. I try to do a half hour before breakfast, or a half hour before dinner. Incentive: Food!
      —I generally have my tablet on the stand in front of me and that blocks the timer along with giving me all the surfing and reading I want.
      —I also play music at the same time.

      Otherwise, I wouldn’t do it because much as I love the results, I’d be bored out of my skull.

  45. Meh*

    Pet Hair Help!

    I’m in a furnished executive rental with two dogs. It was supposed to come with a cleaning service, but pandemic. I’m drowning in dog hair and there isn’t a vacuum. (I bought a broom and dust mop to corral the floor bunnies). I’m moving out in 3 weeks and need something to remove all the hair embedded in the couch – I’ve used blankets as toppers but it has only slowed the spread.

    I’ve tried a regular lint roller and that gets about 80%. Is there something really grippy or sticky you can recommend? I don’t want to pay for a new couch

    1. Canuck girl*

      Is it possible to get a cleaning service to come in a day or two before you move out, to do a deep clean? As a cat-owner, past and present, the only thing that would get fur out of a couch would be a vacuum first and lint rollers. If you’re in a building, then maybe the maintenance staff have a vacuum you could borrow as well? I’ve never lived in an executive rental, but just sharing some ideas that came to mind. Good luck!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Yeah, I would turn to the professionals. You need a vacuum with power that’s been properly cleaned and maintained. If you don’t want to hire a cleaning service, you can rent a vacuum from a home improvement or hardware store.

      1. pancakes*

        Yes! We used to have one that looked like a big yellow sponge. Worked very well between vacuumings.

    3. Spessartine*

      Try dish/cleaning gloves! They’re grippy enough to catch some of the more stubborn hairs. Some people recommend dampening the glove but dry has always worked pretty well for me. Or you can get fur-removal tools with a rubbery surface that work in a similar fashion.

    4. I love new cleaning products*

      Rubber items – gloves, squeegees, or upholstery brushes – work pretty well, but I recommend you look up the Fur-Zoff pet hair remover. It’s a weird…thing (I don’t remember what it’s made out of, but even the packaging calls it ugly) that works better than anything I’ve found to get fur off my microfiber couch.

      2. Longtime Lurker*

        seconding the Fur Zoff – basically a large pumice stone, but really grabs the hair.

    5. Meh*

      If you have specific product recommendations those are greatly appreciated! Wading though the tons of Amazon reviews is exhausting. I’ve tried a wash cloth, tape, sticky lint roller and static cloth. :) so not fun.

    6. Daphne (UK)*

      I bought a squeegee that was branded as a ‘pet hair magnet’ years ago when I had cats, now I use it to help with getting my own hair/dust out of carpets before hoovering. Your arm gets quite a workout but found it lived a LOT that the vacuum or lint roller couldn’t.

    7. Anon Tech Worker*

      Might be worth it to get a good quality hand-held vac. I have a Dyson Trigger – it’s portable for when you move & does a great job on cat hair.

    8. GoryDetails*

      For certain kinds of fabrics I’ve had success with those thin-wire slicker-brushes – I use ’em on the carpeted cat-trees and on throw rugs, and they pick up a lot of the cat hair and loosen even more, so I can follow up with a quick vacuum. If the fabric tends to snag, or if the hair’s too badly meshed into the fabric, this won’t work, but I’ve found it a helpful step in de-fuzzing the surroundings.

    9. The Dogs They are Fuzzy*

      The lint rollers drove me nuts because they are so small. I bought a lot of contact paper and that works pretty well, at least on cat hair. Won’t completely replace a vacumn but it’s really sticky and will pick up a lot of stuff. I actually sometimes use it on my carpet before I vacumn to pick up things that are going to clog the vacumn. And you can tear off big sheets of it. (Question to all: Is there an easy way to peel the contact paper off its liner??? That is my one sticking point. Ha!)

  46. Canuck girl*

    Hello AAM friends – I’d love some comfy slipper recommendations. Mine are old and worn out, and I realized just how crappy they’ve become after wearing my newly acquired pretty spring sneakers at home, to make sure I really like them. A few weeks back I remember there was a thread on slippers, but I can’t seem to find it. I would really appreciate some tips. There’s lots out there at different price points, finding it hard to choose. Thank you in advance!

    1. Redhairedrunner*

      If you aren’t opposed to leather goods, LLBean makes incredibly comfortable and durable shearling slippers. I’ve had the same pair for years and the have held up great.

      1. Canuck girl*

        Ooh did not consider LLBean and they have stores in Canada now. Not opposed to leather goods, will check them out, thanks!

        1. GoryDetails*

          I love the LL Bean slippers too – and when I got my last pair I searched online for coupons and wound up getting something like 25% off. Worth a shot!

    2. Llama face!*

      I like moccasins. (Obv these are made from animal products so if that’s a no, then disregard)
      My most recent pair were from Manitobah and they lasted several years. They are a bit pricier compared to an average slipper- more like a mid priced shoe- but worth it, imo.

    3. AGD*

      Foamtreads. I’m also in Canada and wear slippers constantly and walk around the house a lot, and the ones I have have lasted way longer than any other pair of slippers I’ve ever had.

    4. Yellow Warbler*

      I like my Acorn Faux Fur Chinchilla Booties. They have a grippy plastic sole good enough to wear for getting the mail; they are easily washed and fluffed back up; and the back is structured in such a way that I can wear them fully-up as booties, or mash my foot over the heel area and wear them as scuffs.

    5. rye loaf*

      I’ve got the booties from MEC. I’ve had them for ~ 10 years, indoor use, nice & warm. They are just starting to wear now.

    6. Stephanie*

      I splurged this past winter and got some Vionic slippers, since I was wearing slippers pretty much all day, every day, and needed good arch support. I love them! They’re very comfy, and they were worth every penny.

    8. Anon5775*

      They make Crocs with a fuzzy, removable insert so they’re warm and great for those with foot problems.

    9. Canuck girl*

      Thank you so much everyone! Most of these are brands I havent heard of, except for MEC, so lots to choose from, which is great.

  47. Jay*

    I also like ATK, and I think the website is a better investment for non-cooks, or new cooks, because the videos are really helpful. The Cooks Country Meals in 30 Minutes really are simple. Some of the others….not so much. I remember a “weeknight” meal that took at least 2.5 hours and used nearly every bowl we had. It was delicious….on a Sunday.

  48. MechanicalPencil*

    I posted last week about my incredibly shy foster cat and flailing about how to help him and/or wondering aloud about keeping him. I didn’t think I was going to have an update for a while. Silly me. I should know that asking the community here makes things happen.

    I’d had something like 20 potential adopters inquire about this cat, but after my intro email explaining he’s shy but progressing, no one would respond. To be honest, I’m probably over explaining, but because we can’t do in person meetings because of Covid I’d rather that than adopt out and then have the adopter return the animal. Early in the week, I’d gotten two more potential adopters, decided to send my rote message and if neither responded (or responded in a way I felt comfortable with) that Foster was staying permanently with me. Then Adopter answered.

    She was specifically looking for a shy cat. She had worked in rescues before and adopted the unadoptables (cancer, afraid of men, very senior…). She and her husband had accidentally rescued a kitten hit by a car so wanted a companion for the little guy (they saw it happen and stopped to help). It just went on and on with all the things I wanted for my foster cat. I got teary then. I’m getting teary now. And I’m not an emotional person. I think I responded to her email within an hour. We went back and forth on what had been going on with Foster, but she never seemed like she wasn’t interested in him, just concerned on how to best help him.

    In short, my foster cat has the perfect permanent home. And it’s not with me. I dropped him by last night, and it’s been really weird not having him snuggle up with me to sleep and all the things he usually does. Logically I know he’s in the perfect place for him. But good grief this one was hard to let go of.

    To whoever suggested the Da Bird cat dancer toy, it was a HUGE hit. Like I had to hide it away because Foster would not leave it alone. And one of my dogs also got interested in it, but that’s a different problem.

    1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      This is fabulous news! We currently have a rescue that we are trying to find a good home for, and I hope it happens soon because we are all falling in love with her! We can’t keep her though as we already have 3 cats and I have allergies. Also while my cats have relaxed about her, mostly, she has not AT ALL.

    3. Cat and dog fosterer*

      I’m so happy for you!!!

      I tend to foster for rescues that take in cats with more problems, and the pandemic has been a benefit in that the more timid cats are finding experienced and ideal homes. Sometimes when you expect the best, you get it.

      And much as you will miss them, there is always another one soon enough!

    4. violet04*

      Yay, glad Da Bird was a hit! Thanks for the update. This made me tear up a bit too. So glad you were able to find a wonderful home for him.

    6. Friend to Kitties*

      I am sure there are some cats out there who don’t respond to Da Bird, but I haven’t met them yet!

      My friend just adopted a kitty who was sent back to the shelter twice by families who didn’t fully appreciate her. I am delighted to report that the new kitty’s Home Number Three is going to be her forever home!

      (I love happy pet adoption stories!)

  49. Llama face!*

    This is a first! Coincidentally I just got my library ebook hold in yesterday for Girl A. I’ve never happened to match up my reading list with any Alison recommended books until now.

  50. Llama face!*

    What are all of your strategies for quitting using offensive language? And what have you realized was bad language as an adult? I’m not talking about actual profanity or the most well-known and agreed-upon slurs; I mean things that you grew up thinking of as generic or harmless but now realize they are derogatory to certain people.

    I was thinking about this recently because I’ve been trying to subvert my brain’s tendency to use “crazy” as an adjective. And of course, whenever I focus on NOT using it, it becomes the go-to brain suggestion every time I open my mouth or try to type a comment. Trying to find alternative words often feels like I’m being Awkward Thesaurus Person.

    Then I ran across an article of some women in India who are doing a project to try and change which bad words are used in their country so they aren’t perpetuating r@cist, səxist, abləist, or caste prejudices and I wanted to ask you all about what changes you are making these days.

    I know this topic has the potential to spin out so please no arguing over whether any particular word is problematic. I’m hoping we can keep this about what words you and I individually are choosing not to say anymore and how we’re doing it (tips and tricks). If you don’t want to write the offensive word maybe just give enough hints so we get which word you mean.
    Thanks!

    1. CTT*

      I have a lot of trouble with “crazy” too. I haven’t totally broken myself of the habit, but I’ve tried to rely on a set of replacement synonyms so I’m not searching for a word – if I know to describe a situation as absurd, or that person is acting totally unreasonably, then I know I’m still getting my point across.

      2. Llama face!*

        Reading your response has made me realize that my struggle with replacement terms is because the word is sort of an all-in-one. If I use it in some situations it can mean (for example) absurd and aggravating and unbelievable and depressing all at once. It’s like a portmanteau of meaning encompassed in one word. I haven’t found a harmless equivalent that has the same useful unspecificity. But I’d rather use an insufficient word than a harmful one so I just keep rerouting my brain each time.

        1. Grits McGee*

          What I’ve found helpful is to focus on the exact characteristics of what I’m trying express rather than using a multi-purpose word-
          -Coworker lashes at at the person whose help they need? “What a counter-productive thing to do!”
          -Raccoon falls through the ceiling? “That was bananas!”
          -Boss refuses to let anyone have a complete picture of what we’re working on? “The level of secrecy in this office is farcical!”
          -2 identical twins separated at birth reunited at summer camp? “How incredibly serendipitous!”

      4. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I picked up “banana crackers” here, I think. I use it like this: “It got totally banana crackers!” or “And then the cat went banana crackers!” Not exactly great English, I suppose, but in very informal settings it works just fine.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          That’s not really a great replacement in this context? “Crackers” is generally a euphemism for “crazy” so if the goal is to stop calling ridiculous/absurd etc things “crazy”, using banana crackers instead doesn’t stop that.

      5. mreasy*

        I have the same thing and I try to replace with “wild,” which has a similar vibe so it usually comes easily.

    2. Squeebird*

      For me, practice is the only thing that’s helped, so don’t be too hard on yourself while you’re trying to move away from using certain words. Sometimes you’ll slip up, but that’s okay as long as you keep trying. Correcting yourself in the moment may help, IF that feels comfortable (“That report was so crazy that – ah dang, I’ve been trying to stop calling stuff ‘crazy’ but it’s so hard! Anyway, after I picked my jaw up off the floor…”).

      I’ve been trying to stop using “schizophrenic” or “OCD” to describe things that are wildly fluctuating or overly organized, respectively. After reading accounts of how hurtful this can be to people who have these conditions (plus perpetuating stereotypes and promoting inaccurate representations of what schizophrenia and OCD are actually like), it’s become really important to me to stop doing that. I’m pretty much all the way there now, but it grates when I hear someone else saying they’re “so OCD” when they just, like, want to rearrange some flyers or something.

    3. Batgirl*

      I struggle with a replacement too; nonsense or nonsensical are satisfying ones. I always wonder if saying bananas, nuts and crackers are off limits since they’re just food (unless crackers is from Christmas crackers or cracked), but it’s pretty obvious they mean “crazy”.

    4. PollyQ*

      Timely question for me, since I’ve recently decided to cut out words like “moron” and “idiot” from my vocab. I haven’t found great substitutes yet, though. I’ve seen “foolish” and “ignorant” suggested, but they don’t quite get to the heart of what I mean when I use the bad words. But for that matter, the words I was using weren’t really what I meant either. What really tees me off is when people aren’t using their brains, and I haven’t yet come up with a short, punchy word or two that I can use in the phrase “What a f******g [epithet]!”

      1. LibbyG*

        Turkey? Chucklehead? I saw on Twitter someone wrote “chucklef**ks.” That could give you a double-barreled fb-bomb combo.

      2. Teatime is Goodtime*

        I just ran “moron” and “idiot” through my favorite synonym production method* and got the following possible options (I did a quick search for problematic etymology and dropped a bunch, but may not have covered everything):
        Numskull (this would be my 1st choice)
        Blockhead (this would be my 2nd choice)
        Dunce
        Clod
        Chump
        There were others, but this is what I could find out quickly.

        *My favorite way to produce synonyms is to translate the word into my second language via online dictionary and then translate it back. Works like a charm!

        1. ....*

          How is calling someone a dunce or a numbskull better than idiot? It’s still a really rude put down

          1. Not A Manager*

            “Idiot” and “moron” used to be actual clinical terms on a scale of mental retardation. I think that’s why they came to be perceived as different from words like “clod” or “blockhead”.

            1. Dee*

              I can see that but I can also see where it would be a bad thing that the alternatives still say that being unintelligent is worth insulting.

              1. Not A Manager*

                Insults are wrong no matter how you phrase them, but descriptions can be okay depending on the context. If I’m speaking to someone and I’m intending to tell them they are stupid, offense is a matter of degree between calling them a numbskull and calling them the r-word. Both are meant to be mean and hurt their feelings, but one includes an actual slur against people with developmental disabilities, and one doesn’t.

                On the other hand, if I had an experience in my life that I would like to describe to someone, and it involves someone else that I think isn’t very smart, I think there needs to be some acceptable way to say that the person isn’t very smart. In the old days, maybe I might have said that person is a moron, or the short form of the r-word, and I wouldn’t have meant it as a slur, but it is. Today I would say that person isn’t the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Do you think that there’s *any* acceptable way to say that you think someone isn’t very smart, or is that by definition wrong to express?

                1. llamaswithouthats*

                  Ugh I don’t think there is a way to call someone “not smart” without it likely being insulting. Just saying “this person is not smart” is like saying someone is “not pretty”. You aren’t saying they’re ugly, but “not pretty” much better.

                  I’ve used “dense”, “thick”, and “not bright” to describe people who weren’t intelligent, or at least weren’t acting intelligent in the moment. But they’re probably not much better.

      3. Batgirl*

        I like spanner and spoon, or moon eyed as descriptions instead of idiot as I’m usually talking about people who behave like objects and passively avoid using their intelligence. Or “as much use as a chocolate teapot”. Another old northern (British) standby is “neither use nor ornament”.

      4. Reba*

        I like dense or obtuse — not trying to make a statement about the quality of the intelligence, just saying they are not using it!

        I feel like a lot of Teatime’s suggestions are just milder ways of insulting someone’s intellect (similar to the subs for “crazy”), and it’s the insult on the basis of cognitive ability that is the ableist part.

    5. LibbyG*

      I’ve done ok getting rid of “crazy” and “stupid” over the course of 2 or 3 months. I’m now trying to stop saying that I (or we or you) need to “get cracking” on a task. Whether or not it originally referred to whips used during slavery, I can imagine it evoking that history. There’s no need to take that risk.

      1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

        Huh. I always assumed “get cracking” was derived from eggs, and preparing to cook them.

    6. Teatime is Goodtime*

      This might not be helpful, but I think the thing that helped me was having little kids around. As in, if I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of passing it on to little kids, of little kids repeating what I said, then it was something that I shouldn’t throw around without thinking about it. I still did (do?) swear, but it was a more conscious choice to code switch with a particular group of people or situation.

      So, do you have any little kids handy? They certainly don’t have to be your own for this to work. :) Or maybe you can create some sort of little-kid-stand-in, like a small pet or a plant or something else to get the ball rolling in your head? How would you feel if your rose bush started yelling swear words at the top of its lungs–swear words that it only knows because you have said them? (I admit, this image is making me giggle a bit).

      1. Llama face!*

        Haha, no actual children but I do have a fair number of plant pets so I’ll try imagining their leaves giving shocked rustles every time I slip up.

        1. Teatime is Goodtime*

          Ha! I love it. You stub your toe, yell an expletive and get disapproving rustles from your window plants. :) Thank you for giving me a good laugh.

        1. llamaswithouthats*

          I disagree. Crazy is usually used to describe people, whereas bonkers/batshit described situations or circumstances. “Crazy” has also been used to describe situations, but also against people.

        2. Dee*

          Yeah.
          It’s really not about x word on its own, it’s about the attitudes behind them and the overall stigma things contribute to so when people don’t analyze this they come up with, I’m not going to say “crazy”, I’ll say a word that frequently people say “crazy” after (“batshit crazy”) and people will know what they think I mean even if I leave the second word off.

            1. Dee*

              Same way calling someone or something crazy contributes to stigma against mentally ill people.

    8. MissCoco*

      I try to just enjoy being an Awkward Thesaurus, and recognize I’m working on it.
      Like those “ehh not quite the same” moments are little badges I earned for not perpetuating bad ideas.

      I also find it helpful to ask *why* I want to use (eg) “crazy”. Though it has a wide range of meanings, presumably one of them is the one I most mean at this moment, and that helps me feel more satisfied with my choice.

      “Crazy” is still one of my biggest issues. I think it’ll be a while before I don’t have to mentally replace it.

      “Guys” or “you guys” as a collective.
      I don’t love “folks” or “y’all/you all/yinz” so I generally go with “everyone/everybody” or “people”

    9. Dan*

      So I actually developed these strategies through work related communications, and they apply in my personal life.

      1. What point are you *trying* to make? (Be clear on that with yourself.)
      2. Do you *need* to make it? (Be honest.)
      3. Is the phrasing you are using going to confuse your audience, or otherwise put them in a mindset where they can’t hear your message? (I work in a field where people use and abuse language, and using the wrong words really will prevent your audience from understanding the point you are trying to make. Know your audience, know their language, and communicate in a way such that they can hear you.)

      One phrase I stopped using the work place is “I think you’re wrong.” Why? Because anytime anybody said that to me, the conversation gets derailed. I’m probably not *wrong*, but maybe what I said required more nuance or context that was omitted. So now we have to get into all of that, because hey I want to correct the speaker’s perception that I was “wrong” :D So in general, I learned that phrase is the fastest way to derail the conversation and prohibit the speaker from making the (probably valid) point they were intending to make, and I don’t use it anymore.

      In my personal life… I have had relationships with people who meet the criteria for personality disorders defined in the DSM-IV. But I also know that when a prospective romantic partner asks me about my ex-wife and why things didn’t work out, the phrase “she was crazy”, whether it’s true or not, is going to be offputting and not make the point I want to make. So I know not to use it, even if I feel it’s true.

      Maybe this all comes down to “think before you speak”, especially if you actually need to be understood on a particular point. What point do I need/want to make, and what phrasing is most likely to be accepted by the listener?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree about the word, “wrong”.
        I think it does take people a bit, once they get to know me, they realize I have something important I need to say when I start with, “I am concerned here because….”. They know something is wrong.

        Sometimes I give life to objects, “This paper wants to go in this way, not that way.” Or “Yeah if you push this button after pushing that button it causes the machine to burp.”

    10. Not A Manager*

      I am trying to avoid what were seemingly-innocuous phrases from my youth that in fact have (or might have) an ethnic stereotype behind them. Luckily most of them are so old-fashioned that I don’t use/hear them much anyway. Phrases like “it’s a gyp,” “she got off scot-free,” “don’t get your Irish up,” “Dutch courage,” “welsh on a debt,” etc. As I said, they don’t arise much, but in general I like allusive language, so sometimes they will pop to mind and I will squelch them.

      I believe that I have mostly purged more common and more offensive phrases already. I try to use “banana pants” or just “bananas” instead of words that refer to mental illness, and phrases like “not the sharpest knife in the drawer” instead of words that refer to developmental delays.

      I actually enjoy intentionally changing my linguistic habits. My general technique is to note when I’ve used the old phrase, first in my mind and then later correcting it out loud. Pretty soon I start to correct before I say it.

    11. Jay*

      I usually say “wackadoodle” or “bananacrackers” when I’m referring to a situation or idea I’d otherwise call “crazy.” I think I picked up “bananacrackers” from someone here.

      For people….I try not to characterize them at all. When our kid was born, we decided we didn’t want to call people “good” or “bad” for a variety of reasons. For one thing, we’d had dogs for years before the kid came along, so “good girl” immediately makes me think I’m talking to a dog and I didn’t want to talk to my child the same way I talked to my dogs. I try to focus feedback on the behavior, not the qualities of the individual, and that counts for all sorts of feedback including casual conversation. Since said kid is now 21, I’ve had lots of practice. When I screw up, I own it – “Whoops. Trying to change that!” – and move on.

    12. Chatty but not so wordy anymore*

      Ooh, what an interesting topic! I’ve been feeling for a while that my language has somehow reduced itself down to a limited selection of words that get used significantly more often than anything else. As one example, I can’t tell you how annoyingly frequently I describe something as “awesome!”. There are SO many other words that could be used, but in the moment when I need to respond with normal conversational pacing, “awesome” is the inevitable default. It makes me feel so limited or one-dimensional. I think it partly happened because when I was young, some of the words I used were advanced compared to what my peers were using at that stage, and there were negative social impacts I found I wanted to avoid. Partly, I think it’s also because of the prevalence of texting or messaging as a large part of my communication nowadays.

    13. Llama face!*

      Thanks for all the ideas and suggestions, everyone! I didn’t have time to respond to most but have read them all. Glad to see I’m not the only one working at this! :)

  51. New car thread*

    So we have the cash. We were ready. We were Covid19 safe. We were going to purchase a BRAND NEW Toyota Camry. We have a 11 year-old- Camry we like and it has a good trade in value right now. We want a safer car with bells and whistles and lane change warnings, remote start, and heated seats and navigation system etc etc.
    We want a car to be able to drive to the coasts (we are in the midwest)
    Specifics- I have a chronic pain caused by a degenerative genetic condition. Being in a car is often painful. The husband will be the primary driver.
    We have never had a BRAND NEW car. (can you feel the excitement?)
    The husband goes to test drive. He falls in love. We discuss. YES, THIS is it! He brings it home from the dealer on spec.
    I cannot tolerate the passenger seat. It is “bucket” with stiff bumpers on the sides of the seats. Feels super uncomfortable, like a coach airplane seat. The bolsters hit my bad hips in exactly the wrong way. Huge disappointment.
    He wants a sedan.
    Recommendations please:
    Do you love your car? How comfortable is the passenger seat?
    Can you suggest a sedan like car with 4-wheel drive (we are in the upper midwest) right now the price range is camry to lexus?
    Anyone here have a Tesla?
    I want to do as much research as possible but it seems that passenger seat comfort is not a “rating” thing.
    I am a recent new driver so don’t have much car knowledge. Safety and comfort are the most important. My car is a Suburu Forester. If we go down to one car it would be the sedan.
    If it is important we are in are late ’60s.

    1. Redhairedrunner*

      Not a sedan, but my mom has really liked her Chevy equinox both as a rider and a driver. She has pretty bad sciatica and comfort while seated was her main priority while shopping. None of the sedan style cars had seats that were comfortable for her. It has the same footprint as a large sedan anyways.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I have an Equinox and I agree. I find it much more comfortable for my back than other cars and SUVs.

    2. Spessartine*

      I have a Tesla Model 3 SR+ and I looove it. I haven’t been in a ton of different cars but I will say I find the seats very comfortable, and when I got in my sister’s car the other day (a Mercedes) I remarked at how hard the seats felt. The “remote start” feature is also something I could never give up–I had a gas car before and always thought remote start was overkill and hey, it didn’t my car THAT long to cool down/heat up once I got in. But boy, there’s nothing as convenient as opening the app and turning on the cold air fifteen minutes before I leave work. I’ll stop there because I could go on for a very, very long time about how much I love my car. If there’s a Tesla store near you, I would definitely recommend a test drive.

      But. That said. The Tesla experience can be hit or miss. I personally haven’t had a single issue with mine in the two years I’ve had it, from buying it with the click of a button to the cross-country move I made last year. But Tesla quality control can be dodgy and their customer service can be REALLY dodgy. I’m sure the vast majority of buyers have no issues with their car, but if there is something wrong with it when you go to pick it up (they’re notorious for bad paint, in particular), it can be a painful process trying to get them to fix it.

      They are, however, very safe cars, and a blast to drive. I also didn’t realize how much I loathe having to get gas until I never had to do it again.

      2. Anon for a minute*

        We have a Tesla, and the seats are really comfy. I have a bad back and hips, so this matters a lot to me! I also have a VW Tiguan and adore it for many reasons. The seats are significantly comfier than our Subaru Forester, and before I got the Tiguan, I thought the Subaru’s seats were acceptable. You’re not looking for an SUV, but maybe Jetta or Passat seats would be as comfy as the Tiguan.

    3. I love new cleaning products*

      I don’t have any car recs, but is there anything you can do to add to your comfort no matter what car you end up with? I added a thick seat cushion to my car because I’m short, but I get the additional benefit of the extra cushioning. It’s nice every day but especially noticeable during long drives.

    4. JustEm*

      I don’t currently own a comfy sedan – sadly my honda accord hybrid is NOT comfy – but I used to have an Infiniti sedan that was seriously the most comfortable mid-sized car ever. Not sure how the newer ones are (this was a 2000 I30t), but may be worth looking into

    5. Alex*

      What about a Subaru Legacy? I used to have one and I loved it. I don’t know specifically what you would find comfortable but if you like your other subaru it might be an option.

    6. The Opinionator*

      Before you completely write off getting a Camry, have you sat in different trim-line versions of the car? Different versions of the same basic car might very well have different seats in them. More expensive luxury trim lines (Camry XLE) will have seats with thicker padding and cushioning, while sportier trim lines will tend to have firmer seats with more pronounced bolstering to hold the passengers in place (XSE and TRD). Lower-priced trim lines (LE and SE) will tend to have flatter seats that are more thinly padded.

      In any event, you are going to have to personally sit in and evaluate each passenger car seat to find the one (or ones) that are just right for you.

      I’m a big fan of Camrys. Other all-wheel-drive sedans that I would also recommend trying out include the the Toyota Avalon and the Lexus ES 250. Also worth considering are the Subaru Legacy (and the related Subaru Outback station wagon), Nissan Altima, Chrysler 300, and Dodge Charger.

      If you and your husband want to consider compact and mid-sized crossover utility vehicles (CUVs) you might look at getting another Subaru Forester or the compact Mazda CX-5, and Honda CR-V, as well as the mid-sized Nissan Murano and Toyota Venza, Toyota Highlander , Mazda CX-9, Honda Pilot and Lexus RX 350 and RX 400h.

      Many people with back problems find the higher seating positions of CUVs and SUVs (and even pickup trucks) to be much more comfortable than the lower seating positions of conventional sedans and station wagons.

      1. New Car*

        Since this is the husband’s car and he is adamant not to get an SUV, they are not under consideration. It was the Toyota sales person who said all the seats would be the same. hhmm. maybe give a different model a try.

        1. university minion*

          Toyota seats are shite. It’s probably the only thing I truly hate about my Prius.
          Probably the most comfortable passenger seat I’ve sat in, in recent memory, was an Infiniti. Might be worth poking around to see if they are comfortable to you and if they are, if that build extends down into Nissan seats (ie, are they the same, but Infiniti’s just have nicer leather, or are they totally different? I have no idea).

        2. The Opinionator*

          So look at several different versions of the all-wheel-drive Camry and then look at the other all-wheel-drives sedans I’ve mentioned. The Toyota Avalon, Lexus ES 250, Subaru Legacy and Outback, Nissan Altima, Chrysler 300, and Dodge Charger. There’s also an all-wheel-drive Infiniti Q50 that is decent, but I didn’t like it because of the slow touch-screen infotainment system. But maybe you and your husband will like it better than I did.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Bucket seats are so common in cars now and cause me back pain. My solution for many years now has been a wedge cushion, which raises my butt higher. Its work for every car I’m in, from the driver’s seat in my 2004 Subaru Outback to the passenger seats of other people’s cars. I don’t know if that will work for your specific situation but it may be worth a try. I got mine at Relax the Back and I’ve been pain-free in the car ever since.

      1. Reba*

        I use a flat cushion under my butt and a wedge cushion behind my back for any drive longer than 40 minutes.

        We have a Toyota, but all bucket seats, plane seats are like this for me–it’s like everything is just in the wrong place.

        We used to do these 10 hour drives and I would need days to recover!

    8. WS*

      Bucket seats are so common now and I don’t know why because anyone with wider hips find them super uncomfortable.

    9. Jules the First*

      I have really bad hips, coupled with complications from having cracked my pelvis in an equestrian accident years ago. The ones I can ride in without issues for long journeys include anything from Subaru (from their super cheap entry level models through to the top end ones) and Jaguar. Before you knee-jerk at the latter, it’s worth test driving one – they are hella fun to drive and have a surprising amount of overlap with the Lexus price range. Also, my dad’s had everyone from degenerative nerve conditions and recent hip replacements to immediately post-partum moms in his XF passenger seat and they all agree the ride is like silk and the seat super comfy. I’d also try the mid-range Volvo, if I were you as the Swedes know a thing or two about long distance driving (hands down the most comfortable seats ever were the ones in my ancient Saab). Anything Toyota, Hyundai or German leaves me in agony. Steer clear of “sport” packages as those will have stiffer seats. Finally, if you add cushions to your car seat, please consider safety – anything you sit on that changes your position in the seat can undermine the protection offered by your seatbelt, so cushions should be a last resort.

    10. New car!*

      TESLA!
      He has fallen in love with the Tesla.
      He sat in one and one will visit the house today!
      He is an electronics geek and this has triggered ALL the endorphins.
      You know the guy who has the first iPod.
      The first iPhone.
      He can’t believe he had never known about them!
      Rational thought has left the house!
      He spent last night insisting that I watch videos of guys driving Teslas on YouTube together. Videos he has already seen.

      I only suggested checking into it because one of my favorite authors Nnedi Okorafor loves hers.

        1. New car!*

          Yes. We are pretty deliberate when making big purchases so will be going slow.
          It’s just nice to see him excited about something. It’s been a crappy year, for “reasons”

    11. MMB*

      I have a bad back and hips and my Kia Optima is very comfortable even on long drives (think Oregon to Houston). It’s also been very reliable, low maintenance and does well in Colorado winters.

  52. Migraines, Will this ever stop?*

    I have been having daily migraines since my first Covid vaccine on Monday.
    I have had them before. Anywhere from one or two a week or months between episodes.
    I take imitrex. with Naprelan (I am on a maintenance dose of naproxen for chronic pain.) That makes it manageable.
    They start with me seeing the world as if through a kalidascope then the crashing pain, light and sound sensitively, nausea. If I catch it early the meds bring the symptoms down to dull roar.
    checked in with a sub dr. on Friday. He says this is a known side-effect to vaccine and not to worry.
    Have a telemed visit with my primary on Monday.
    Is there something I should ask her?
    Has anyone had more recent meds that helped with this sort of thing? (lots of tv commercials)

    1. The New Wanderer*

      Thank you for the heads up about migraines being a side effect of the vaccine! (Which one was it, or is it all of them?). Questions I would ask: If it’s a known side effect, how long does it usually last? What is the effect with the second shot, which I’ve heard generally is harder on the body?

      I can’t offer any advice on meds, unfortunately, but I am going to schedule a neurology appointment ASAP because my migraines have escalated in frequency over the past year. So far they involve a visual aura (electric lines around a blind spot that moves across my foveal vision) and a relatively minor headache with light sensitivity I can just about manage with Advil. I’m not eligible for the vaccine for a while, but I’ll be asking about that myself.

      1. Migraines*

        I had the Pfizer. I also have multiple underlying conditions/co-morbidities. The side effects are only supposed to last a few days but… YMMV.
        Side effects that I had that lasted about 48 hour- pain in injection arm from shoulder to fingertips. chills, slightly elevated temp.
        Side effects now 5 days in- daily migraine that starts around 9:00 am. Manageable with meds. swollen/painful lymphnodes in armpit on injection site arm. fatigue.
        (Joint pain is a symptom but I have chronic joint pain and can’t tell if it was increased)
        Again- my Dr. said no worries. Keep doing what I am doing.

    3. Chaordic One*

      I’m currently not on any medication and I was advised not to take any OTC pain relievers for 2 days prior to and after getting the vaccination because it could possibly weaken effectiveness of the vaccine. After the vaccination I experienced mild tingling on the left side of my head, similar to the feeling I experience at the beginning of a migraine as well as a sore arm and numbness on the left side of my body, especially my left arm. I was afraid to take anything for it so I just took a nap afterwards and I didn’t take anything for 2 days afterwards. Luckily the tingling in my head never turned into a full-fledged headache. After the two days had passed I took Excedrine for the body aches and it seemed to help. It has been more than a week now and there is still a bit of soreness and numbness in my left arm.

  53. Anonymosity*

    My siblings and I recently discovered we have a cousin in England we didn’t know existed (I’ll call him Nigel). He found us through one of those DNA sites. Apparently, Nigel’s father is my dad’s late brother, who met his mother while in the military when he was eighteen. My uncle never knew he had a son overseas.

    I don’t know the reason for the lack of information—perhaps she tried to contact his unit and wasn’t able to. Nigel is in his sixties, and back in the 1950s, an unplanned pregnancy would have been a pearl-clutching event. He allegedly grew up in a good family, so maybe someone stepped up and her folks thought it wasn’t worth it? I don’t know the details. I have seen his picture; he definitely resembles my uncle and you can tell he’s related to my dad. (He’s not on Facebook; I looked.)

    Nigel reached out to his bio dad’s family, which is how my dad found out about it. We don’t know yet if he would want to contact the rest of us or be part of our family at all. I hope he does, unless he’s a huge racist or something (you never know). We already have family in the UK and it would be delightful to have more to visit.

    Does anyone have any experience with this?

    1. anon for this*

      One branch of my family is large (think 9 siblings currently in their fifties and sixties), and we learned that the oldest sister had an unplanned pregnancy very early on. She was quietly sent away and told never to discuss the baby again, as was the norm; at the time, her younger siblings were a mix of “too little to know” and “not yet born”. Recently the baby – I’ll call her Laura – did 23andMe and got in touch with one of the younger generation and came along to the huge 2019 family Thanksgiving thing. She was raised in a very small adoptive family (two parents who were both only children; one adoptive brother), and had no idea she would have so many aunts and uncles and dozens of cousins. Also, she has a semi-common genetic condition that is rare in cis women (think colorblindness) and she was curious about where that might have come from – but no one else in either biological family is known to be colorblind, even the cis men. We’re not geneticists, but we figure either there are carriers and they are well hidden, or it was a mutation. Anyway, Laura is lovely and the biological mother is enormously relieved not to be trying to forget about a huge secret like this anymore. We are trying not to overwhelm Laura with the number of new relatives we have to offer her!

      The BBC TV show “Long Lost Family” has lots of interesting stories like this from the UK and Europe, though pretty much the only ones they air on TV are the ones that end with positive resolution, understandably.

    2. Pam*

      My dad had an unknown brother- our best guess is that his father didn’t know that the girl was pregnant. Or that he did know and left anyway. DNA testing will turn up more of these over time.

      1. Juneybug*

        You are so right – DNA will turn up many more stories/secrets/surprises!
        My bio dad told us kids from his first marriage (my mom, myself, and two younger brothers) that his third wife’s kids were from her previous marriage. Well DNA showed that he lied and we have two half-sisters. One of the sisters found us when she was 30 years old (I had done my DNA and one sister had done the test as well.). We have been getting to know them over the last two years. They are sweet and kind (unlike our shared dad). Plus the one sister who found my brothers and I have started a FB group page with all of the cousins. It’s been great getting to know them as well.
        Neither families are still in touch with dad (all but his fifth wife have divorced him) because of his lies.

    3. Grace*

      Back in the 40s, there were a lot of European women getting pregnant with foreign soldiers, so while it was certainly frowned on, it wasn’t exactly unheard of.

      A friend is the great-granddaughter of a Canadian soldier who came over, married an Englishwoman, got her pregnant, then was shipped back to Canada after being injured and proceeded to marry a Canadian woman and have children and live out the rest of his life a secret bigamist. While apparently her grandfather (the result of the brief marriage) refused to talk about it and basically pretended it never happened, the rest of the family seem to have taken a varied view. The Canadian relatives who contacted the grandfather a couple of decades ago got immediately ignored; the next generation of contact via DNA test went better and they’re in touch on Facebook, without telling the grandfather.

    4. WS*

      We knew my great-grandfather abandoned his wife and two children in Germany post-WWI with plans of making a better life overseas and then bringing them, but he was never seen again. He had a very unusual but short surname so we figured if he’d actually made it to another country as he planned there’d be some record of it. Surprise, he changed his name to a much more common one so that nobody could find out he was already married, had two more wives (one died and then he remarried, he didn’t have three at once) and now we have relatives in Canada.

    5. Greetings from Bubblonia*

      As a young man, my uncle went to visit the village where his father grew up, went to a party, met a girl etc. etc. then went back home. Turns out the one night stand resulted in a son. There were whisperings about it, but nothing confirmed until the son had a son of his own and decided to reach out to my uncle (this was in the early 00’s). My uncle was delighted to have a son, his wife and daughters were fine with it because it was well before my aunt and uncle were romantically involved, and the rest of the family followed their lead. Uncle and son stayed close until his (uncle’s) death. He’s also developed a soft spot for my mom (his bio aunt) over the last few years and has been really sweet to her. Son is a great guy and I’m really happy it’s been such a positive experience.

      1. Imtheone*

        I just listened to a story (podcast) at the NYT about a woman who was adopted as a baby, and only found her bio half-siblings at age 65. Very positive story. Then there is a book which recounts these stories, some positive, some not so much, The Lost Family.

    6. Colette*

      One of my uncles (who died before I was born) apparently got a woman pregnant while overseas during WWII. My dad (who would have been a kid at the end of the war) overheard a conversation about it … and that is everything I know about it!

    7. RagingADHD*

      I discovered a set of surprise cousins a couple of years back in a very similar way.

      My first cousin is into geneology, did a DNA match, and found she had an older half-brother who grew up near the military base where my uncle was posted in the early 60s. At the time of the discovery, my uncle was in hospice and was not fully lucid, so she couldn’t ask him. But there was no reason to believe he ever knew.

      The half-brother got the impression growing up that there were several guys who could have been his dad, and his mom wasn’t sure which one it was. So she probably didn’t try to contact my uncle anyway.

      My cousin kept it quiet for a long time, and got to know the family, especially her niece, without alerting her own mom or other sibling, because they were already grieving & stressed.

      I got to meet the niece (my new cousin) when she came to visit. She’s nice and has had an interesting life.

      It’s really all quite anticlimactic. The half-brother made his peace years ago with growing up without a father, and went on to have a normal career & stable, ordinary family of his own. The two families were totally disconnected, so we had no shared experiences. There’s no family money or inheritance.

      They’re just some nice people on the other side of the country that we’re distantly connected with.

  54. Hazelnut Bunny*

    I am planning on making prime rib for Easter dinner. My elderly father who lives with us has been asking me to make it. I have found a good recipe but I am in need of side dish ideas. He is a ‘meat and potatoes’ kind of guy but I also have young children. I am the type of person to eat just about anything. I do like to eat a variety(vegetables, healthy, savory, etc). What would be 3ish side options for a prime rib dinner?

    1. Guin*

      Asparagus three ways. j/k, I LOVE asparagus. Otherwise: Steamed broccoli with a cheese sauce on the side for the kids to dip; carrots; a fruit salad to sub for a veggie. Everyone likes fresh fruit! Sauteed mushrooms/stuffed portabellos, any kind of potato – mashed, baked, steamed. Cold purple cabbage slaw. I did a vegan Easter for some friends of ours, and didn’t even notice meat was missing.

    2. Batgirl*

      I think it’s a shame to not make roast potatoes or potatoes dauphinoise when you already have something in the oven anyway. That said, mashed potatoes are pretty good with ribs. After potatoes, I’d probably go with glazed carrots and steamed broccoli. A mix of mashed carrots and turnip are a good side dish too.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Roasted carrots? Brown sugar-glazed cooked carrots? Balsamic-glazed carrots? Scalloped potatoes? Mashed Potatoes and Turnips or Mashed Potations and Parsnips? Brocolini?

    4. Redhairedrunner*

      Sautéed green beans are always great with big meals. Roasted parsnips or potatoes. Roasted Brussels sprouts. I always liked green veggies as a kid, but maybe a sweet potato mash for pickier eaters?

    5. Laura H.*

      Roasted assorted veggies with potatoes included in the medley- the little stew size ones are amazing if you cut them in half and roast-, a salad of choice, bread, and another cooked veggie of choice.

      If dad really wants other sides, maybe have him help make more individual portions of those?

    6. Lizy*

      Mashed potatoes and gravy, salad, rolls, green beans, green bean casserole, corn casserole, corn on the cob, carrots, sweet potatoes (although I don’t like those), noodles and gravy, loaded mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, brownies, ice cream (wait… yeah that totally counts as a side)…

      And for the rolls, it doesn’t matter what kind, as long as they’re not those cheap ass rolls.

    8. Not A Manager*

      Tiny Yorkshire puddings are surprisingly easy to make, and lots of fun with prime rib. You can google them, but it’s basically an egg/flour/milk batter poured into hot fat and baked in a hot oven. Do them at the last minute in a muffin tin.

      I would have those, gravy, some kind of potato (personally I would do baked potatoes because they are easy, and serve them with whatever toppings your family likes), and creamed spinach because I love creamed spinach. A wedge salad is pretty traditional and easy also. Don’t buy bleu cheese dressing. It’s simple to make with any bleu cheese you enjoy, sour cream, mayo – in equal proportions – and a little buttermilk and lemon juice to thin it out.

      1. Virginia Plain*

        I’m going to second Yorkshire pudding – spread the word of British deliciousness! A very traditional accompaniment to roast beef. The batter is the same for a thin pancake/crepe – no raising agent; physics will do it for you. For success you must get the fat/oil very hot so when your beef is out of the oven and resting, turn the heat up a bit and place your (metal!) muffin tin in, with a splodge of fat in each recess (I use goose fat from a jar; it gets good and hot) and let it heat up so it’s just about smoking. Then pour in your batter from a jug. They should puff up and not take long until crisp and golden brown.
        I would say part of the true joy of Yorkshire pud is the gravy – but I think American gravy is a very different concept. What do y’all serve with roast beef as a condiment/sauce?

    9. mreasy*

      Creamed spinach, my very favorite special occasion side dish! I usually wing it nowadays but have used the Serious Eats recipe. Oven-roasted green beans (just salt & evoo & 25 or so in the oven). Brussels sprouts roasted with Dijon mustard, balsamic, salt, & evoo. Agreeing with the commenters below who want a potato (I always want a potato) – you can’t go wrong with mashers, especially with a gorgeous prime rib gravy!

  55. Personal Finance Advice?*

    TL,DR; I’m going to need student loans to finish school. It’s not a big amount, which is simultaneously a blessing and a curse. How do I stop obsessing over it?

    Details:
    I’m planning to go back to school in the fall. It’s a condensed 1 year program and I won’t be able to work during it. My pessimistic projection of costs is about 35k for tuition+living expenses. Optimistically, it could be as low as ~30k. I expect to have around 20-25k saved up by September. The gap will be covered by student loans. After graduation I expect to be able to make around 60k within a couple years.

    Objectively, I know 10-15k in student loans is not a big deal. But I can’t stop obsessing over that gap. I spend hours reworking my projections for expenses (what if I find cheaper apartment?) and savings (what if I work Saturdays during the school year?), but I can never make the numbers balance. I plan to look for scholarships, although as a Canadian my options seem a lot more limited than the American-oriented advice I’ve read about on the internet. 10k over a year doesn’t seem like a lot of money, so I thought about getting a part time job. But I could realistically only work on Saturdays, which at minimum wage would be less than 5k for a year. So then I feel like I might as well not work at all and focus on my studies. It seems like a tiny, yet insurmountable, chasm.

    I know the thing to do is just stop thinking about it, but I keep poking at it like a sore tooth. Does anyone have tips to help me get things in perspective?

    1. AGD*

      I did a Ph.D., and my bank (one of our big ones up here) was super helpful and patient with helping me arrange and navigate a much larger student loan that took a lot longer to get rid of, so on that basis I’d definitely recommend focusing on your studies. Some provinces also offer multiple kinds of assistance; I’m in Ontario and we have OSAP and the Ontario Graduate Scholarships. On the federal level, any chance of qualifying for NSERC/SSHRC/health grants?

      1. Personal Finance Advice?*

        I looked into the grants for my situation. I’m not from Ontario. I count as low income but based on my province of residence and the fact that it’s a 1 year program instead of 2, I don’t qualify for much. I did factor that into my expected savings, though. I almost feel like if it was something like a 20k shortfall I would feel better because there’s no way I could make that up. But 10k seems like I should somehow be able to save up for it or cut expenses enough to eliminate it, which I know is not reasonable. Another example: if I found an apartment for $500 instead of $700, quality of life would go down significantly (roommate vs alone) but I wouldn’t save 10k. So I start thinking about just how deep I can cut, then thinking that if I can’t eliminate it entirely, and it’s not a huge amount to begin with, then I shouldn’t stress. But I guess I’m so used to financial prudence that I can’t stop thinking about it.

    2. KeinName*

      Maybe you could push the worrying to the future? Since you have made excellent plans up until now you could now put your energy into finishing school, smart networking, ensuring you hit the ground running after finishing your studies, and be well and energetic enough to put your new knowledge into practice in a job which pays well? The missing 10.000 dollars will materialize by themselves then :-)
      I personally would say you did very well planning and you can‘t really change the situation through more planning so just trust in yourself!

      1. Personal Finance Advice?*

        Haha, thank you for the reassurance. I know it’s fine intellectually, but that’s not the same thing as knowing it emotionally *sigh*. I made a spreadsheet and everything. I probably just have to ban myself from looking at it.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      I had to bite the bullet and do it. Instead of obsessing about taking on the debt, make a plan on your budget and commitment for after you graduate. Will you legitimately be able to pay them back? (in my case, bad marriage to a spendthrift threw my repayment plan out the window…but my initial plan was sound even if my taste in men was abysmal).

      I looked at the future happiness, the intellectual challenge, the increased earning capacity, etc. (you have your list). This is not the Friday column. Then I assigned some value to each of those – quantifiable, or intangible – and added it up.

      It was oh, so worth it. For me, I needed to make the career change I wanted… and because I knew I “had” to get a decent job, and I was there because I was paying for it (not there on parents – never had that), I was a super dedicated student.

      20 years later, I’m making 6x what I was before I went back. Yes, there’s some inflation, but I also went from not believing in myself and being 100% underemployed… to having a really interesting life.

      I just went through the same struggle in some ways to commit to a mortgage – tough, but I need to do that to get to my end result of stability financially and being able to plan my retirement. It’s a trade off – you shouldn’t let fear make you cut it short.

      (and, I had the choice of 4 years at night or 2 years during the day – I chose to take on the debt to get done quicker and graduated… )

      1. Personal Finance Advice?*

        It’s nice to hear your perspective! Yes, I will be making more after graduating than I make now, and it will grow over time. I know it’s a reasonable plan, I just need to get out of my own head a bit.

    4. Generic Name*

      I’m going through something similar with some unavoidable debt I’ve recently taken on. I’m normally very financially conservative. I like having savings. I like to save up before I spend money on a vacation. Stuff like that. I’ve spent my adult life with basically no debt other than my house and my car. I’m very privileged, obviously. So when I had to take on some debt to pay for legal bills, it really stressed me out. What helped put things into perspective for me was to focus on why I incurred the debt (it is for my son’s well being). And I keep in mind that the payment on my debt is super reasonable (like a few hundred a month). And I try to remember that having that debt doesn’t really change my day-to-day existence. Maybe I’m just sticking my head in the sand, but I think compared to my entire financial picture, the debt is pretty small in comparison. So that’s what’s helped me. Hopefully you can focus on what taking on that debt will allow you to do in the future rather than thinking of it as a burden.

      1. Dan*

        I kind of don’t like how we’ve gotten to a point where we’re supposed to feel guilty about having debt. I have plenty of it, mostly due to the fact that I grew up pretty broke and have to pay my own way through life with nary a helping hand. The fact I have debt shouldn’t be a moral judgement held against me.

        Yes, you can have so much debt that it ruins your life. That’s not to be encouraged. But debt is a tool, and the right debt for the right reasons? So be it, nothing to feel guilty about.

        As for me, I’ve managed to get really good interest rates on a lot of my debt. So there’s really no incentive to bend over backwards to pay them off quick. As in, my $40k in student loan debt is costing me $90/mo in interest payments, which is small potatoes and stresses me out not in the least… the interest itself is trivial. Now if I was a bad credit person and was paying 30% APR? Different story, I’d be buried.

        1. Generic Name*

          Thank you for this. An old ad has been echoing in my mind lately. I don’t remember what the ad was selling, but it shows a white guy riding a lawnmower in front of his giant suburban house and he says, “how do I afford this fabulous lifestyle? I’m in debt up to my eyeballs!!” And I try to tell myself that my debt isn’t because I ran up my credit cards buying designer clothing or whatever.

          1. Personal Finance Advice?*

            Yes, that’s true! It’s not for something frivolous and it’s reasonable compared to what I expect to make later. I keep thinking if I’d saved more or worked more I could have done better, but really I did pretty well and I need to give myself some grace.

      2. Personal Finance Advice?*

        > What helped put things into perspective for me was to focus on why I incurred the debt

        That’s a helpful framing. I’m going to try to focus on the future. This is so small in comparison.

    5. Dan*

      I came out of school with just under six figures (USD) in student loans, all said and done. About 60% was for undergrad, and I didn’t know what I was doing because I was 18 and well, you know. I could have stayed in state and gone to school cheaper, and on paper I didn’t need to spend what I spent for the degree itself. But what made less sense in strict dollar terms was more than offset by the opportunities and life experiences I got by moving away from my rural midwest state. It also opened up a successful career path that I never would have encountered if I stayed within driving distance. However, *just* the BS wasn’t going to get me where I ultimately wanted to go.

      Grad school OTOH was a very calculated decision. I worked all kinds of numbers, and the math kept saying “borrow the money and go next year, don’t put it off.” So I did.

      Don’t get me wrong… nearly six figures of SL debt is six figures of cold hard cash. I write a $750 check every month (ok, autopay, so I think about it less) but where I live, that has material impacts on my lifestyle choices.

      All that said, I get out of bed every day happy with the choices I made, and the fact that I get to live life on my terms and nobody else’s expect my boss’s. And my boss is actually pretty cool, and the job is great. So all things considered….

      1. Personal Finance Advice?*

        Yes, the math usually works out for going sooner rather than later, assuming you can realistically expect to make a certain income with the degree that you wouldn’t make without it. I chose a 1 year program instead of a 2 year program for the same reasons. The ability to work during the program or over the summer wouldn’t make up for a second year of living expenses or the opportunity cost of a year of lost income. Hearing about how you feel about your life now is reassuring. In my case I left a job that paid well but made me deeply unhappy, in a semi-technical career path I didn’t feel smart enough to stay in. So part of me feels like I ran away. But on the other hand, I’ve been doing work adjacent to what I’ll be going to school for a few years now and have enjoyed it so far. Plus, I feel more confident that if I don’t like a specific job or type of work I can find something similar. And as I get older I’m starting to realize that there’s not only 1 acceptable way to live your life. But I think all those emotions are getting wrapped up in this and I need to make like Elsa and let it go.

        1. Dan*

          I usually sit out of the “do what makes you happy” discussions, because… I spent a few years after college “figuring things out” because the stuff on the immediate horizon wasn’t making me happy. And after a few false starts, I did settle into something that I very much enjoy… good work, good management, good pay, good benefits, and it’s a 40 hour per week job with a flexible schedule. I honestly don’t know where else I’d rather work.

          While “do what makes you happy” is passe advice now, I’m still not going to tell someone they should bend over backwards to make a ton of money even if they’re miserable. *You* still have to live that life every day for a few decades.

          So I guess the best advice is “it’s your life, so make it work for you on your terms.”

    6. WS*

      You’re making an investment in your future, not frivolously spending. You’ve run the numbers and made a solid decision, just like you would for buying a house (a far bigger debt but one that’s not looked on negatively). Concentrate on getting through the school year smoothly and onto that post-graduation income.

      1. Personal Finance Advice?*

        > You’re making an investment in your future, not frivolously spending.

        Thank you for that! Hearing someone else say that is reassuring.

    7. Humble Schoolmarm*

      Hi OP
      Also Canadian and also racked up all of my student debt to get through a professional program. I ended up owing a fair bit more than your projections split between federal and provincial loans and the bank. I was lucky enough to get a job right away, but the first year at least, I made less than your projections (it went up fairly quickly though). I’m not an extravagant spender (but it seems like you aren’t either) and didn’t feel like I was suffering over the repayment terms. It seemed horribly scary and daunting when I was graduating and looking at the total number, but it was pretty painless to pay off and completely worth it to get myself into a secure and well-paying position.

      1. Chriama*

        Thank you, I appreciate your perspective. I had twice as much in student loans for my first degree and managed to pay them off quite quickly, so I know I can do this. I think it’s more of a virtue thing, where I feel like if I had been better about saving earlier then I wouldn’t have to take out more loans now. But I’m going to try to focus on the future after school instead of beating myself up over the past.

    8. HannahS*

      Debt is a a tool. Think of it like a mortgage–it’s not financially irresponsible to have a mortgage, right? Few people can afford to use cash for things that are multiple times more than their yearly salary.

      I have about six figures in debt. It’s from school and the non-flashy second-hand car that my husband and I bought. It’s fine. My interest rates are incredibly low; it’s not like credit card debt. We take small bites out of the debt, and will do so until it’s gone. But in the meanwhile, we’re living our lives, having a baby, etc. If taking on this debt increases your earning capacity, it’s an investment. Try for scholarships/grants, see what you qualify for federally/provincially, and shop around to get the best rate you can for a loan (for me, it was RBC, because they have an incredible line of credit deal for students in medicine, law, and dentistry, but YMMV).

    9. Managing Student Debt Tips*

      If you’re really nervous about paying off the debt, consider paying the interest while you’re still in school. This helps avoid the compound interest fees and keeps your balance closer to the original amount you borrowed once you begin repayment. You aren’t penalized for making interest-only payments either, Your lender can provide the interest per month amount for you as well.

  56. RC Rascal*

    Does anyone know anything about Madame Alexander dolls?

    I have 12 that were collected for my by my aunt in the 1970s. They have their outfits & accessories. Some have original boxes. I would like to sell them.

    Here is the issue : my mom was hoarding & the dolls STINK. Hoard Stink. I have tried airing them out with only moderate success. I can’t launder them. Cousin suggested an ozone chamber at a hockey store but none of our local stores have one anymore. I’m not sure what else to do.

    How marketable are they? I am also finding some of these things are valuable on paper but there doesn’t seem to be a strong buying community out there.

    Would love insight & suggestions.

    1. Batgirl*

      Air, white vinegar and baking soda are the usual methods for old smells, but time is the most important ingredient. It’s probably going to take a significant portion of time to conquer the smell. Airing them outdoors for multiple days. Enclosing them in a baking soda container, vacuuming the powder, and repeat. Try a little white vinegar on a cloth, test the effect somewhere inconspicuous to make sure the vinegar doesn’t damage the doll. Vodka is also used in this way. Charcoal briquettes and cat litter also absorb smells in a way similar to baking soda.

    2. Ins mom*

      Check with commercial cleaning contractors/fire damage restoration companies, around here it is ServiceMaster. They take smoky items for ozone treatment. Worth a try. I have no idea the cost. I would think the dolls are of value to someone.

    3. Formerly in HR*

      I read once an advice for taking off perspiration and othed smells from clothes – mix 1 part vodka with 3 parts water, put in a spray, spray over the area (so you would spray the entire doll, all over) and let things air dry. Apparently when alcohol evaporates they also remove the smell particles ?!? I do not think this could pose any risk of staining, you can try on one doll and keep doing it over several days tomsee how it goes?

    4. Lifelong student*

      I have a Madame Alexander doll- it was my Mom’s- she got it in 1939. It was her last doll as a child. I checked the prices on ebay and they were around $80 . I thought they would be more! But a collection of 12 and original boxes might be of interest to a collector. Mine needed a little work- the head was wobbly- so I took it to a doll hospital. The repairs were quite reasonable. I am not interested in selling so I had the work done. Who knows if the next generation will be interested- but I have put the provenance on a list with other things I have so they at least have some information on it.

    5. Betty*

      I don’t know anything about the dolls, but you can buy a small ozone generator marketed as an air purifier and run it in a smaller enclosed room with the doll. I bought a used car that I didn’t realize had been smoked in until the smell of the cleaning products wore off a few days later. I ran an ozone generating air purifier for a couple hours in the car and now there is not a whiff of cigarette smoke.

    7. Sam Foster*

      Source: Inherited a lot of these dolls from my mom.
      As near as I can tell, these dolls have little to no re-sale value and attempting to sell a lot of them at one time the “dealers” assume one is desperate. Had multiple dealers offer $100 for 30 dolls with all original stuff.
      Hope your experience is better than mine.

      1. RC Rascal*

        This is helpful.

        I am selling a number of types of her collectibles through an Etsy store & am finding that while some things have value on paper, there isn’t enough of an active collector market willing to pay for them. Part of my concern about selling these is I feel many people kept theirs in curio cabinets so there may be lots of them on good condition.

        Because the dolls have fancy outfits , spraying or sprinkling anything on them seems like a bad idea. That’s where the ozone generator idea came in.

        There are no doll hospitals on my city anymore.

        If I can get the smell out the collection should be worth $400 but if I can’t , maybe half of that??

        1. Sleeping Late Every Day*

          I worked at a museum and that’s the kind of information a collections conservator might be able to help with – or refer you to another expert.

    8. mreasy*

      No insight but we used to sell Madame Alexander’s at the toy store where I worked (20+ years ago) and boy were people obsessed with them!!!

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I had a couple of these dolls… my mom might have kept them. I don’t think they’re worth much, but I wouldn’t throw them out. 20 bucks is still more than nothing!

      You might try calling an antique shop for tips on how to get the smell out. Or, shoot, a shoe repair place that’s been around for a while. There are “doll hospitals”, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking them for free advice and the dolls probably aren’t worth the investment of getting them professionally restored.

    10. RagingADHD*

      Is it the clothes, the boxes, or the dolls themselves that stink? (Or all of the above)?

      I had a MA doll as a kid (probably got in the late 70s), and the clothes & hair were certainly hand-washable.

      I doubt taking them out of the boxes and cleaning them would ruin the resale value at this point.

  57. Spessartine*

    Anyone here have experience with grass cat litter and ants? I decided to try SmartCat’s grass litter in an attempt to find something less dusty than traditional cat litter, and a few days later I noticed half a dozen ants in the bathroom where I keep the litter boxes. I couldn’t figure out where they were coming from, but I was pretty alarmed and got some liquid bait stations. Soon I had dozens of ants in my bathroom. Most of them were gathering at the bait stations but a fair number of them were carrying bits of the grass litter that my cats had tracked onto the floor. I didn’t think they came in the litter, since they seem to be disappearing somewhere under a baseboard on the other side of the bathroom from the closet with the boxes. But one review on the litter I got mentioned sugar ants liked it, and another said they actually got live ants in their bag! So now I’m wondering if the ants came in the litter or if they just showed their faces because of it. (I really like the litter but it does get tracked quite badly.) Is this going to be a constant problem if I keep using the litter? Will the bait stations take care of the problem or will new colonies of ants hear the siren song of the grass? There’s a lot to like about the grass litter but I cannot deal with constant ant incursions.

    1. A313*

      If you use the Terro ant baits, the ants should be gone in a day or so, but they do swarm the bait stations at first. I had tried lots of the natural ant methods (cinnamon, vinegar, etc.) but didn’t find any that work. Do keep the ant baits away from you cat(s), though!

      1. Spessartine*

        Thanks! Terro is the kind I got and it’s doing a great job of attracting the ants. (In fact I may go buy a few extra just to be safe.) I’m not too worried about how many have shown up since the packaging does say to expect to see more, I just hope they don’t wander all the way into my bedroom. I did close the bathroom door to keep the cats out! Supposedly the bait isn’t harmful but I’d rather be safe than sorry. Plus I have a feeling they’d treat the bait stations like new toys. Thankfully we have other litter boxes elsewhere in the house…and thankfully I didn’t put any of the grass litter in them yet.

  58. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Any figure skating fans?
    Stockholm 2021 is definitely cursed. It was painful to watch, so bad I wanted to murder the official commentator every time he called out someone’s mistakes. The men’s FS was better, but boy it hurt my soul to see Yuzuru Hanyu fail the 3As in his FS, I want to hug him so badly. <3

    1. GoryDetails*

      Yeah, I was saddened when Hanyu didn’t nail his free skate – but I did enjoy the skating on the whole (possibly because I tend to ignore the commentators anyway!). Some of the younger up-and-comers should be the ones to watch in future years. And of course Hanyu’s not over the hill yet himself…

  59. Dan*

    Covid vaccine / tech rant:

    Two weeks ago, I got my name on the list for the vaccine in my county. I had to give my email and phone number. I got verification texts and calls (!) that they had the right contact info.

    Yesterday, I get a notification (call AND text) that it’s now time to sign up for the vaccine itself. All I have to do is check my email and click the link.

    Except no email. I have to call. And I live in a populated county and they keep urging to not call because the lines are jammed…) The email is not in my spam. I cannot ask for the email to be resent. The registration site has my correct email address. Why, oh why, *must* this be done through an email? They texted me. Why can’t I just click a text link? Why, oh why, can’t I click a link in the registration site? Why, oh why, can’t I click “resend email”? Why, oh why, must I call a swamped phone number in 2021?

    1. MissDisplaced*

      At least you can sign up. My state is still on the 65+ and medical personnel.
      Don’t know if they’ll ever get to me.

    2. Grace Less*

      Are any commercial (CVS, Walgreens, etc) sites scheduling vaccines in your area? When my age group became eligible, the state s scheduling website was overwhelmed, but I was able to get an appointment through the pharmacy website directly.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I had the opposite experience. The commercial sites like CSV and Walgreens and the pharmacies at my local grocery stores were all booked solid well into April. I ended up getting an appointment 2 days later at a public vaccination clinic set up in the gymnasium of a local college. The actual vaccination process was well-organized and ran very smoothly. OTOH, first having to create an account with a password and then booking the appointment online was a major PITA and took longer than getting the actual vaccination.

        1. fhqwhgads*

          That’s interesting. In my state the CVSes and Walgreens are releasing new appointments nightly around 3AM but you generally can’t book more than a week in advance.

    3. IZ’s*

      Hmm…I’m wondering if it’s just a tech delay and they are doing a poor job of communicating the delay. My grandma had her 2nd vaccine rescheduled in February due to that week where the weather impacted most of the US. In this case I kept getting emails that we’d get her appointment email on X date, but X date came and went. I get another email days later saying we’d hear from them no later than Y date. I got the email Y date at 10 pm. Nerve wracking for sure. I will say checking their Twitter confirmed others hadn’t received their emails on X date, so that calmed me down a bit until I received an actual update from the site.

      Full disclosure, I work for a state Immunization Branch and I so wish I could help you! (I’m imagining we’re in the same state). Since I’m not sure what state you’re in, some very general advice – I would either A. still call; I’ve found wait times for counties/providers I’ve had to call not be that bad since many people don’t bother calling; B. see if there is a call line specifically for phone registrations (my state has this since not everyone has internet access or an email address); or C. check if there is a help desk-like email listed on that county registration website and provide your name, email, and phone.

      1. IZ’s*

        Also, I agree with all your statements. I think some states/counties/vaccinators have really made this process way more complicated than it should be. I’m not sure if it’s a “too many cooks in the kitchen” problem or if decisions were made with the “wrong” people in the room (too high level, not enough “ground troop” feedback), but I hear ya!
        I will say though, although it seems like a huge cluster— at times, on all the state and county calls I’ve been on, every single person truly cares about their residents and getting the vaccine into arms STAT.

        1. Dan*

          I understand email delays, but I don’t work on that side of tech so I don’t know the rationale. County email (my county, one of the most populous in the state, decided to roll their own solution) said “Follow up via phone if you don’t get the email within 24 hours.” It’s just bad form to tell the user to expect X and then not follow through :( If it truly is email delays, that just overburdens an overburdened system.

          As for why things are the way they are… my org works mostly on behalf of various federal agencies, and if I have to guess, one of the biggest consistent problems across government is that the people who make the funding decisions are rarely the people that have to use it. And even then, you never really know how anything is going to break until it gets released to the masses. On top of that, since lots of tech is usually contracted out, if there’s no room in the budget for bug fixes, once it goes live, that’s that and the cards fall how they may.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Do you have a MyChart account with any of your healthcare providers? Because I moved to a different part of the state seven years ago, and because I have a couple specialists, I have four MyChart accounts. (Yes, four! I find it ridiculous I can’t have one to access the four doctors, but they’re all in different health networks and I digress…) Anyway, two of the MyChart accounts sent me an electronic invitation when appointments opened up and I was able to schedule through them and didn’t have to go through the Vaccine Administration Management System like some friends and family did.

      1. Dan*

        I do have a MyChart account… although it looks like appointments will be hard to get :(

        That said… referring back to “needlessly complicated” above. Yeah, MyChart is asking me a few questions about my eligibility, but it appears that as long as I give the “right answers”, I can sign up regardless of anything I get the through the state/county department. It’s not like MyChart wants some kind of verification code.

        Which just begs the question about what’s up with all of the administrative hoops that seem to just add confusion but don’t serve an actual purpose.

        1. Dan*

          After looking further, the health care provider does say they will cancel the appointment if you are pre-registered so I guess there’s that.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Before it was confirmed my employer was having a vaccination clinic, I spent the first morning eligibility opened up trying to get an appointment through one of the health networks where I have MyChart account, though I did it outside of the account. All I can say is it’s very much like ordering concert tickets online the second they go on sale: first come, first served. And the one who gets in the fastest gets the best selection.

          2. Sleeping Late Every Day*

            I signed up through our state site and it was ridiculous – all the locations offered were hours away. I also signed up through my healthcare group via MyChart and when they contacted me, they offered several local locations and times. I selected a local hospital and got an appointment instantly. When the day arrived, that hospital had reserved parking close to the door for those getting the vaccine, and the actual vaccination process was swift and well-organized. My second shot will be later this week. I highly recommend going through MyChart or other healthcare portal. After I got my appointment, I got back on the state site to opt out of future notifications – and gave them a piece of my mind.

  60. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Has anyone out there washed a dry clean only blazer by hand? I realize that I’ve been wearing it frequently all pandemic, but it is a little too big for me so I wouldn’t wear it to an interview. Thing is, I don’t have another garment with similar weight *and pockets* to wear if I ruin it.
    It’s nothing special, just an old Coldwater Creek piece from a consignment shop. Mostly acrylic & wool, with some cotton & some of the dreaded “other fibers”.
    I’m probably over thinking this because I know that it needs cleaning, and it’s not worth the chemicals of dry cleaning… But I’d love to hear someone else’s experience anyway.

    2. NoLongerYoung*

      Pay attention especially to the lining if it has one. Will that “not” shrink? Many of those lining fabrics are a sort of nylon that just doesn’t shrink at the same rate as the jacket. I have one sweater coat that I “did” carefully wash but the lining did not shrink as much as the coat. I had to re-do all the lining hems, by carefully picking them out, and then a lot of messing around to get them recut, and hemmed up so they did not hang out or bag over the new “shorter” hems of the sleeves and bottom. (it is a favorite sweater coat…. but this was awful).

      What you might try instead if there are no spots and you just do not feel it is fresh, is the sort of “drycleaner’s friend” where you put a moist (it’s a liquid and put on a pad) pad into a special bag with it and tumble it in the dryer to freshen it. if you need to re-press any creases or make it crisper, then iron (use a pressing cloth!) to restore the finished look.

      Frankly, easier for me to find a cleaner that respects the protocols and carefully drop it off/pick it up at a good local cleaner…. while it is not inexpensive, it’s still easier than going to a store or online and trying to replicate that favorite!

    3. CJM*

      I use my washing machine’s gentle cycle for all clothes labeled dry clean only, and I can’t remember ever having a problem. That includes some wool-blend blazers I’ve bought from consignment shops. But I ask myself first if I’d be okay if the garment came out ruined. I’m so eager to avoid the chemicals of dry cleaning that my answer is always “yes, I’d be okay.”

      I hang the machine-washed garment on a hanger and let it air dry, and I de-wrinkle-ize it (that’s what we call it in my family) in the dryer if it’s wrinkled after it’s fully dry. That’s five to ten minutes in the dryer with just the garment and a damp towel. (A garment steamer would work better.)

    4. Girasol*

      I did that once – how hard can it be? – and when I was done the 100% wool outer jacket had shrunk just a little, not enough to make it not fit, but enough that the polyester satin lining no longer fit right and it hung out of the sleeves. I pretty well wrecked it. You might get away with it if the blend is more acrylic than wool though.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I agree with the idea that you might make out better because it’s a wool blend.

        You can get dry cleaning at home. Supermarkets sell little kits, around $8 or so but you can do a number of loads with that. I use these dry cleaning kits. They are not remarkable but the clothes do feel better and look a tad better.

    5. Not A Manager*

      What’s wrong with it exactly? If it has smudges or something, you can sponge them carefully to spot-clean it. If the lining is yucky, try turning it inside out and sponging off the entire lining. If the jacket smells musty, you can hang it in the bathroom with you while you shower, then hang it outside if possible or near an open window for a day. If it’s really smelly, try hanging it in an enclosed space with a bowl full of baking soda for a few days.

      If you can avoid actually submerging and washing the entire thing, I would do that.

      1. mreasy*

        Yeah, my fear is less shrinking if you hand wash in cold & don’t dry, and more being able to reshape a blazer after it’s wet. Spot clean if you can, or otherwise…dry cleaning may be required. There are less toxic “green” dry cleaners out there, though probably more available in larger towns/cities.

    6. HannahS*

      The “other fibres” are likely artificial, and more likely to melt if ironed than shrink if washed. I’ve had good luck washing wool garments (granted, not a blazer) in the bathtub. Fill with COLD water and a bit of baby shampoo, swish it around, gently press between two towels to get some water out, then lay flat to dry on a towel, flipping it over intermittently. This works like a dream for wool sweaters and pants, but my worry would be that if the blazer is really thick, it might take so long to dry that it’ll smell musty.

    7. The teapots are on fire*

      Why does it need cleaning? Does it have spots? Spraying a little vodka in the underarms can help if it just smells a little too pit-y.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Answering all at once because I was mostly offline yesterday.
      It’s more acrylic than wool, lining is poly, and it’s more conveniently weighted source of pockets than a favorite.
      It simply needs to be cleaned–the tag is visibly not white anymore, even though the brown jacket doesn’t show dirt.
      I think I’ll risk it next sunny & breezy day. I like the idea of treating it like anymore wool sweater, I’ve eased those successfully.

  61. It's Quarantime!*

    Hi all, is me again.
    Brain fog, altered smell/taste, tinnitus, and a few other lingering symptoms are kicking my trash. And my beloved 20 year old kitty is on the decline. Probably a matter of weeks until I have to help him cross the rainbow bridge. (I’m struggling super hard with that.)
    All that being what it is, I’ve started some anxiety/depression medication. I’ve never been on any before but I know it’ll take a few weeks before they start to have any effect.
    My family are all very supportive and they have all promised me they’ll be there for me when the time comes. My parents have invited me to stay with them for a little while and if being in my condo all alone is too much they’ve invited me to sell it and live with them while I find a new place. (Something I’ve actually been considering for almost a year now.)
    I’ll take any advice on any topic anyone feels may be helpful, but my main question is:
    Have you ever been a single 30-something living with your parents? How did you make that decision? How did you maintain your “adult” status? Would you do it again or do you regret it?

    1. merope*

      I moved back with my parents after my marriage ended; I was 32 at the time. I found it really nice, actually, in that I had been away and established, but we both knew that it was a temporary measure while I got my feet back under me. I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know my parents as adults; that’s not to say we didn’t have the same kind of arguments that we did when I was younger, but they seemed less fraught than when I was 18. I know a fair number of single people who have maintained these types of closer bonds with their parents (it may be a reflection of working in academia where it can take much longer to get yourself established and in a secure financial position), and in general all of them enjoy the opportunity to spend that time with their families. But it of course would depend on how you get along with your family.

    2. Batgirl*

      I moved in with my mother a year or two after my divorce, after my father died. She’s easily the best roommate I have ever had. My dad and I would have driven each other crazy; too similar, too peppery, and he smoked. It helped that we come from a working class British background where adults are supposed to live at home, because traditionally it happened young; you’re an adult as soon as you’re working and paying keep into the house. When that happens, your comings and goings are your own business. I’ve noticed some parents try to waive the paying of keep (it’s nowhere near as much as rent would be) to keep a child dynamic in place. Even with the best dynamic, you’re still living in another person’s household though. I found the break from a house owner’s responsibilities to be really great for a while, but after a bit I felt like I wanted to plan a garden, decorate and arrange my own household again, rather than helping out within a plan someone else had made, hoovering with a vacuum someone else bought etc. For example, my mother likes to overstuff cupboards, whereas I like everything visible and looking for things in the Tetris cupboard drove me crazy after a bit.

    3. Blue wall*

      I’m in my mid-thirties and moved back in with my folks about 6 months ago. I was having a hard time being on my own during the pandemic/shutdown, in a city far from family and without the ability to touch anyone. I came in thinking I’d move out come spring (now), now it’s likely to be late summer/early fall as I make shifts on the career front. I pay a small amount of rent ($500), which goes to cover my food and housing, so I’m able to save a fair bit even given my small income with my new job.

      I have my own room and bathroom; I spend most of the day in my room, and we join together for dinner and to watch a show in the evenings. I decorated and rearranged my room so that it felt like my space instead of the guest room. And no one is allowed in it — in the beginning my dad was coming in to empty my trash can, but that felt like a violation of the little self-ness I had left. The first several months were very very hard, mainly because my dad is an extremely hard personality who has to have everything his way and doesn’t handle disruption well. For instance, he still gets upset when I’m in the kitchen making breakfast when he wants to be making his coffee, but now he doesn’t yell at me for an hour like he did before (sigh). So it’s been hard but there are also positives. Great to spend time w my mom, just to be with others, share the household work, and financial savings.

      Because of Covid precautions I am made to share more than I would want to about where I’m going, etc. I definitely feel like a guest in the house (apart from my room) and that I can’t change anything about the space. I feel less adult than I would like, though some of that is me being lazy and defaulting to old patterns.

      I’m glad I came because a) mental health and b) it’s opened up other avenues in my life (I left my job and moved over 500 miles back home), which has me traveling down a path I wouldn’t have foreseen before. I’m also looking forward to being in my own space within the next 5 months (even with a roommate!) for the same reasons others wrote. Also, and this is mainly due to family dynamics, very awkward to date while I live here.

    4. Grim*

      No advice on moving in with your parents, but as a long term tinnitus sufferer, please watch out for the anxiety meds as they can sometimes exacerbate tinnitus. Many meds are ototoxic and most doctors don’t have a clue.

      Also, I can sympathize with your kitty going to the bridge; just went through it with my kitty a month ago. Please consider using Laps of Love; they come to you and they made my kitty’s trip to the bridge better than using out vet.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      Oh gads!
      When my husband and I moved back East to my hometown area from the West coast we ended up staying with my parents for about 8 months until we found jobs and eventually bought a house. We were about 38 at the time. Let me tell you it was tough! For my husband, it was worse! Love my parents, but it was really hard having no privacy, and it’s not like my parent’s house had a layout for two other adults to be living there. Closing on the house and getting a job in another city were what kept me sane and focused. Of course, there was no pandemic or anything back then.

  62. Movies!*

    Movie thread! What have people watched recently?

    I watched “Twister” last night with my sister – one of those “they don’t make ‘em like that anymore, possibly for the best” 90s movies. The cast was amazing though; obviously it was great seeing pre-fame Philip Seymour Hoffman, but both teams of storm trackers had a murderer’s row of character actors (and inexplicably Todd Field, director of “In The Bedroom” who I guess also acted) and every time they cut to someone new we started screaming “oh my god it’s the nun from Ladybird/That comedian from Mad Men/Frogurt from Lost!”

    Tonight I think I’m going to watch “Another Round” since it got a few Oscar nominations; I’m not feeling a lot of the major nominees this year, so I’m doing some of the more fringe ones (as fringe as something with a Best Director nomination can be).

    1. nep*

      I heard a review of Another Round on NPR yesterday. Sounds entertaining.
      I was about to ask people here whether anyone’s been watching Demi Lovato: Dancing with the Devil… Don’t want to hijack the thread, but I reckon it’s in the film family.

    2. Skeeder Jones*

      I haven’t watched it yet but I’m planning on watching Six Minutes to Midnight this weekend. I love WWII history and Eddie Izzard so I’m looking forward to it.

      1. nep*

        Ooh, yes. Saw the trailer for that the other day. Love Eddie Izzard. That one looks interesting.

    3. RC Rascal*

      If you want to see a movie with a ton of stars on it, check out the 1980s sleeper Soapdish. It’s one of those movies full of famous peoples who weren’t all quite famous yet.

      2. Person from the Resume*

        I love Soapdish. I don’t know why exactly. I was never a big soap fan, but I love how the made fun of it.

    4. GoryDetails*

      Watched “The Wandering Earth” on Netflix – and I really enjoyed it, though it does have plenty of plotholes and typical SF tropes. But they work in context, and the visuals were pretty amazing.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Right now I’m watching Emma (the Gwyneth Paltrow version). I never get tired of it, nor do I get tired of Pride and Prejudice, which I watched the other night. Last night was Ed TV.

    6. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I watched Mr. Right the other day. It was a romp! Not my usual fair at all, but I think that Anna Kendrick is an adorable hoot, but never seen her in any movies. I’d call it a light hearted black comedy.

    7. WoodswomanWrites*

      Sound of Metal is an incredible film. I saw it a few months ago and still think about it sometimes. I’m glad that Riz Ahmed was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance.

      1. Mimmy*

        My husband and I really liked this movie too. Without spoiling it for others, I’ll just say that I like how the film sometimes goes into seeing it from the main character’s perspective.

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Ive been working through classic 50s Cinemascope productions in glorious Technicolor, so watched Pillow Talk, Gidget, and An Imitation of Life this week.

      Last night I wanted something more gritty, so started Serpico, with just post Godfather-fame Pacino. However, in one scene a character actor popped up and I thought no way, it CAN’T be… so went to check the IMDB and it was James Tolkan, who played Principal Strickland in Back to the Future. I swear the line “geez, didn’t that guy ever have hair?” from BTTF has two meanings because Tolkan didn’t have hair in 1973 either.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Back to the Future 1, 2, and 3 over the last 2 weeks because it’s going off Prime.
      Similarly fun recognition factor. One old-timer in the western bar spoke and all of us quoted Aristocats: “Waaiit a minute, Ah’m the leader!” We paused, looked it up, and yup it was him, previously spotted in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. So we unintentionally continued our pattern of picking the next one movie (or series) based on one person acting in the previous!

    10. Torrance*

      I decided to have a bit of a Sandra Bullock marathon (if three movies can count as a marathon) & rewatched my favourites– 28 Days, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood &, saving the best for last, Practical Magic.

      28 Days never really gets the love it’s due; I think it’s a fairly decent look at addiction and the cast is fantastic (Sandra, obvs, but there’s also Viggo Mortensen, Alan Tudyk, Steve Buscemi, etc).

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

        ‘While you were sleeping’ is my favorite romcom.
        And I love Practical Magic (HATED the book. Hated.)

    11. Marion Ravenwood*

      We’re currently working our way through the Marvel movies – boyfriend wants to watch WandaVision and the Loki series, but I’ve seen very few of the films, so we’re watching them (or rewatching in his case) to get up to speed. Currently about halfway through Phase Two (the last one we watched was the first Guardians of the Galaxy).

  63. OyHiOh*

    What’s chirping, twittering, and honking at your bird feeder, or favorite walking spot?

    Last month, my partner got in his head that he wanted to photograph an owl in the wild. He did a bit of reading about best times of day and most likely kinds of spots, and we started going out walking in late afternoon in hopes of seeing an owl. Several times, we heard them, but couldn’t spot them. We’ve even heard owls calling back and forth to each other. But no owls to photograph. Until last Saturday when we got out of the car, and he just happened to look at an ideal owl tree (tall tree on the edge of open grassy meadow) in just the right way to catch an owl, still happily asleep. We’ve been back to the same spot three more times and I guess this is this owl’s favorite place. We’ve seen it each time, in one of two trees. Last night, if you hadn’t known exactly what you were looking for/at, the owl would have looked like nothing more than an old leafy windblown nest. It’s a great barred owl, and we’ve seen it awake enough to hoot (leading to identification) but not awake enough to do more than squint at the sun in disapproval.

    In approximately the same area (meaning, about a quarter mile away across rough terrain but field glasses are wonderful), there’s a pair of nesting bald eagles. We’ve seen the non incubating member of the pair bringing back fish a couple times.

    1. Girasol*

      Curlews. Not sure why the sagebrush country has shorebirds but there they are. seagulls, of course. They like to follow any farmer who’s plowing and nibble the worms and insects that are turned up. In the suburbs, red wing blackbirds, killdeers, goldfinches, house finches, house sparrows, and mourning doves. We heard canyon wrens in the lava rock canyons where we hike.

    2. GoryDetails*

      It’s so cool to spot owls in the wild! I’ve done it a time or two, and have seen them in flight on very rare occasions – usually just the silhouettes floating soundlessly overhead in the dusk…

      Spring’s popping in southern NH and all the usual suspects are returning to the yards and woodlands. But I got some bonus sightings: saw some bluebirds at a local farm’s hiking trails, and today I saw a flock of wild turkeys scrounging for food in a Marblehead MA cemetery.

    3. WoodswomanWrites*

      Thanks for your regular thread about birds, which I love!

      The male red-wing blackbirds are singing their hearts out at one of my favorite areas to check out birds. They are territorial now during breeding season, perched prominently atop dried reeds around the ponds and chirping away to announce themselves. I’m enjoying the pair-bonding behavior of multiple water birds in the same place–teals, ducks, and mergansers.

    4. Birdies*

      I have a very humble bird feeder set-up. I live in a very urban city on the third floor and my only outdoor space is my fire escape. I put peanut butter out there and for the last 5 months or so I have a pair of dark-eyed juncos (such beauties), a blue jay, and a number of crows coming to eat. They all make me very happy since I very very rarely leave the apartment. Last week I had a different crow than usual. This one barks like a dog! I had no idea crows imitated other animals. Until I saw it strutting around barking, I thought it was a dog downstairs.

    5. Pamela Adams*

      Our giant sage bush- really, about the size of a car- is filled with sparrows. It’s like a giant apartment for birds. Annoyingly, they ate all the flower seeds we planted, so we switched to filling the bed with annuals.

      Also, being in Southern California, we have lots of wild parrots. They flock together and are very loud, mornings and evenings.

    6. Jen*

      I have a woodpecker that seems to be in a territorial match with another woodpecker. He hammers on all the houses at 6 AM. You can hear his rival hammering back.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      My friend had a happy story about an owl. HIS friend found an injured owl and called a wildlife rescue earlier this year.
      This week the rescue brought back a healthy bird and released in the area it was found. The friend got to put on a glove and help launch the owl back to its home turf.
      Kind of endearing, the owl was in NO hurry to take off. Eventually, it left.

      1. OyHiOh*

        YAY!!

        The one we’ve been watching reminds me of a grumpy teenager – it DOES NOT want to interact with the world while the sun is still bright. Just sits there squinting and trying to go back to sleep.

    9. OyHiOh*

      We went to the state wildlife area today – my suggestion, I figured migration has probably worked it’s way to our area, and I was right! The double crested cormorants are back! The lake was full of them (I assumed they were Canada geese because the lake is usually full of those, and about halfway around thought to actually use my binoculars: Cormorants by the dozen). There are two pairs of ospreys in full nest building mode. About 4 types of water fowl I didn’t recognize immediately and will have to spend time on the ID app to figure out. And a kingfisher. How can such a small bird make such a big racket?????

  64. StudentA*

    I’d love to hear what some of you have done with wedding/engagement rings you no longer wanted. Can you really sell them not at a loss?

    1. Yellow Warbler*

      My bestie had her e-ring stones set into a necklace, which will go to her daughter on her 18th birthday. She used a small local family-owned jeweler to do the work.

    3. GoryDetails*

      Mine was a custom-made gold band with a Celtic-knotwork pattern on it – no gemstones. I liked the pattern and considered keeping it just as an ornamental ring, but I really don’t wear rings often, and eventually I just traded it in for the weight of the gold.

    4. Generic Name*

      If it’s a classic style in great condition, you might be able to sell it as a ring, bit if it’s worn or outdated, you’ll get a pennies in the dollar price from a jewelry store or cash for gold place. DeBeers has orchestrated the market that the resale value of diamonds is virtually zero. I had a diamond and platinum wedding set, but op they had been soldered together, so I knew there was no way to sell it as a jewelry piece. The original price was around $2k about 20 years ago, and I got $150 for it. The guy was all, “and here’s the big money!!” And I just looked at him blankly. I guess that’s a lot of money for resale? It sort of felt like a slap in the face, but I just wanted the ring gone.

    5. ....*

      It’s generally always going to be at a loss (not much stuff that you’ve been using for years is going to sell for what you paid for it) but I’d try worthy.com. If it has a good sized high quality stone you’ll get good money.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I have sold a few such rings.
      The buyer explained that most of the price is the labor not the gold. So you are basically getting paid for the amount of gold in the ring. You might get something for the stones? But it looked to me that he weighed them both together.

      The last ring I sold the buyer was almost apologetic, the price was low. Eh, I needed the cash for other things and I had wanted to sell that ring for a long time. I landed on So Be It and took the cash.

      My class ring I bought when gold was high. I sold it decades later when gold went high again. That seemed to be the only thing I could do to salvage the worth of the ring.

    7. RC Rascal*

      Part of the challenge here is that people get married every day. They also get divorced & die everyday. That leaves a lot of unwanted wedding & engagement rings. Bridal styles are such that they don’t transfer to everyday wear.

      My mother recently passed away & left a large jewelry collection so I have been dealing with this. Gold has sale value and do so high quality diamonds.

      The best thing to do is take the stones out of the ring & reset them. This can’t be done with pave and bezel set stones.
      Unless the ring is exceptional there isn’t much value as an intact piece.

      I plan to reset my mothers diamond. It is small but if good quality. The ring itself is unattractive ( Sorry Mom!). Another thing people will do is reset the stone to a birthstone & wear on the right hand.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There’s a market for vintage jewelry, I just have no idea how you find it.
        I happen to love jewelry even from time periods when the clothes leave me cold.
        I outgrew my engagement ring which was my mother’s & my wedding ring, so I slip them into small sturdy loop earrings and wear them that way.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      I lost my engagement ring around six months before my ex and I split up, but for the wedding ring the easiest thing to do was to sell it. I got about £80 for it – a plain platinum band – and I think originally it had cost around £400 from a wholesaler in Hatton Gardens (the London jewellery quarter). I did look into getting it remodelled into something else but unfortunately it was way out of my budget, though I do know people who have done something similar.

  65. Lcsa99*

    Has anyone tried one of those new corset style bras I keep seeing advertised? They look great, but in the past I’ve always had an issue that any sports bras, or really anything without an underwire just smushing me flat. I have a large band but a small cup so its much too easy to hide what I have. Would something like that work for me, or would all that elastic just flatten me like everything else?

    1. I'm just here for the cats*

      Following because I have similar problems of a large band but very small cup. I find any of the sports bras are too big for my cup.size or very uncomfortable

    3. WS*

      Like the Enell bras? As someone with a large cup size, they smoosh everything flat. This is what I want, but it doesn’t sound like what you’re after.

  66. nep*

    Anyone take garlic supplements? I’m intrigued by the reported health benefits of garlic. Surely fresh would be better, but I can’t stomach eating cloves of garlic…and I’ve got enough breath problems.
    I’d be interested to hear of any impact you’ve noticed (or no effect at all?) from taking garlic supplements regularly.

    1. Yep*

      Yep I take garlic supplements daily to help with ibs. Naturopath recommended and I was dubious but 2.5 years later I think they’ve really helped with gut motility and also seem to have cut down the amount of colds/flus I used to get. Fwiw I use Allimax as it’s a form of garlic that ibs folks can handle.

    2. traffic_spiral*

      The problem is that there’s practically no regulation on supplements so you have no idea if the supplement actually has anything in it. If you really want garlic, just chop it up and sautee your veggies with it for dinner.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I take garlic supplements and I give them to my dog.

      I give them to the dog because the scent eventually comes out their pores and might help in deterring bugs. I live in Lyme Disease country. So far so good.

      Just like garlic cloves, if you take a lot it will be noticeable to others from your breath and skin. No getting around that really. I’d suggest that might be too high of a dose OR time to stop taking it because there is enough in the body.
      I don’t get colds much if at all, to the point that others comment. But I take other supplements and I try to watch what I am eating. So there’s a number of factors going on there. I am very impressed with garlic’s properties.

      Going in a different direction, cinnamon also has some beneficial properties and might be more enjoyable. It seems to me that almost anything pungent has some helpful component.

      2. Grits McGee*

        I’m so sorry to be that obnoxious person, but have you checked with your vet about giving your dog garlic supplements? All alliums (onions, garlic, shallots, chives, etc) are toxic to dogs. They contain compounds that cause damage to red blood cells and anemia.
        Apologies if you’re already aware of this and have cleared it with your vet!

        1. tangerineRose*

          I’m worried about that too. I thought garlic, onions, grapes, raisins, and chocolate are toxic to dogs.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I wouldn’t give chocolate to a dog or any pet. However, I have never had problems with the others. It could be because my dogs eat whole foods with very little processing or it could be that I give small amounts (which I do) or it could be dumb luck. Last dog lived a little past his 14th birthday, current dog is 12 and has enough energy and bounce to knock over a grown man.

  67. Chaordic One*

    I tried two different kinds, and to be honest I didn’t really notice any difference in my health or energy levels with either. The first supplement was like a regular pill, but it had a strong garlic smell to it. When I took the pills I noticed that my perspiration had a garlic smell to it and I myself started to smell like garlic, even after a shower. I stopped taking them after a week or so because of the resulting body odor. I also took an odorless garlic supplement that was a liquid enclosed in a gelatin capsule. At least it didn’t make me smell bad, but I didn’t notice any difference in my health. In contrast, I think I actually physically feel a bit better when I take a multi-vitamin supplement, but maybe it is the placebo effect and it is all in my head.

  68. Worked in IT forever*

    Cat people (and maybe dog people, too): what do you use to defur upholstery?

    We have two cats and stupidly bought couches that looked nice but hold onto cat hair like nothing I’ve ever seen. The couch fabric is kind of like a twill material (so it’s not a smooth fabric). I’ve tried using one of those lint rollers that have sticky white sheets, and it does a pretty poor job.

    What’s your favourite way to clean pet hair off furniture?

    TIA.

    1. Worked in IT forever*

      Oops, I hadn’t read through all the previous posts before I posted! I just saw a similar question above. Alison, please delete my post if possible. Thanks.

    3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?! *

      I’ve found that a dampened sponge worked the best. All those tools that I’ve bought – and that damp sponge works best!
      3 cats (currently 4 with the rescue) and they are all shedding like crazy.

  69. I'm just here for the cats*

    So I have a white washing machine and clothes dryer. Just your basic type nothing fancy. I have stains on the outside from fabric softener and soap spilling on it. I’ve tried spraying bleach and letting sit, I’ve tried scrubbing it, but nothing helps. Has anyone had any luck getting the stains (they are blue) out from the metal?

    1. Pennyworth*

      Unless it is wiped away immediately, the chemicals in fabric softener can damage surfaces and permanently stain them. For FS stains on clothes it is sometimes recommended to rewash them using vinegar in the wash (but no FS), so you could try wiping the machine with vinegar perhaps.

    2. Chaordic One*

      In addition to bleach and vinegar, you might try 409 spray cleaner. Also, I wonder if this is something that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser might be able to help with. I would try that to see, maybe starting out in a more inconspicuous part of the appliance, just in case it might scratch the surface.

  70. udon the day away*

    Chag Sameach! And for those who had/have to do socially distanced/Zoom seders for a second time in 2021, here’s hoping next year it can be ‘Hug’ Sameach!

    Does anyone have any favourite vegetarian Passover dishes (Ashkenazi) that they love? The internet is full of suggestions, but it’s nice to hear about what people actually like to eat themselves.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Chag sameach! We “attended” a great Zoom seder with a friend’s family, but I am sick of setting a place for the laptop AND Elijah.

      Anyway. We have a vegetarian house and started eating kitniyot last year, but here are some traditional favorites:

      Matzo and spinach pie (Epicurious)– I make this every year
      NYT’s potato kugel (Francis Lam’s recipe– sub potato starch and leave out baking powder)
      Savory matzo kugel with mushrooms and artichoke hearts
      Ratatouille! I once made a mashed potato crust and filled it with ratatouille, topped with cheese
      Tzimmes (Tori Avey’s stovetop recipe)
      Quinoa salad with caramelized onions and mushrooms
      Roasted leeks
      Shepherd’s pie with quinoa instead of lentils

      We also have a local soup delivery service that makes vegan Pesadik soups and salads, so I get a bunch of those for lunches. Potato leek and carrot are my favorites. They also make a nice borscht.

    3. HannahS*

      Matzah brei, kugel, ratatouille (good with potato kugel). We eat kitniyot but can’t recall if quinoa was officially named kitniyot or not, but if you can eat it, it’s nice. Roasted veggies with goat cheese on matzah. Matzah ball soup, of course. Egg salad (if you eat eggs). Roasted eggplant disks with tomato sauce and cheese. Matzah pizza (nostalgic childhood snack, just matzah with sauce and cheese in the microwave). Matzah buns, with honey. Lots of fruits and veggies to help the matzah go down lol!

      1. Imtheone*

        Quinoa is just fine! Never kitniyot— it was discovered too late. It also is a seed, not a grain.

        We find it’s best if rinsed first, even if the package claims the product is pre-rinsed.

    4. Bluebell*

      Hag sameach! With only Zoom seders this year, I’m not cooking as much, but here are a few suggestions- Nava Atlas’ Vegetarian Celebrations has a mushroom matzo kugel I love. And Copeland Marks has a Sephardic cookbook with eggplant stuffed with feta, parsley, and egg that is great. We usually make spaghetti squash for dinner one night and top it with Parmesan and tomato sauce. And we do a stirfry over cauliflower rice with lots of ginger and garlic. This year a local vegetarian kosher restaurant put together a Passover box so we have all sorts of goodies to eat, including a butternut squash kugel, Brussels sprouts casserole, endive salad, and potato leek soup.

    5. udon the day away*

      Thank you so much for all the recommendations! This will definitely help expand our usual go-to of matzah pizzas and … more matzah pizzas.

  71. mreasy*

    Does anyone have suggestions for cleaning spots off light-colored walls (painted with regular non-gloss paint)? We have some from moving furniture, and various cat occurrences and I’d like to clean them without creating new spots.

    1. Generic Name*

      The Mr Clean Magic Eraser is great for this! Although, I’ve learned that at some point when the walls are quite scuffed it really makes more sense to paint them, as much of a pain as that is. I’ve also had good luck retouching small areas with the original paint, if you still have it, but if the walls were painted years ago, the retouched areas can be visible.

    2. Stephanie*

      I had really good luck with Mrs. Meyer’s concentrate when I was cleaning the walls in preparation for selling the house. We had two big, messy dogs, with lots of marks on the walls from them, and the furniture marks, too. I followed the directions on the bottle for dilution, and it worked really well. And it smelled great, too, and wasn’t super harsh on my hands. If you have especially stubborn spots that don’t come off with that, I would try the Mr. Clean magic sponge. They really are amazing, but they are a bit abrasive, so try a very small spot as a test first.

  72. lapgiraffe*

    Getting a haircut later today and wondering if a wavy shag is an unprofessional hairstyle/looks not put together.

    Backstory – I’ve got straight to wavy hair, or rather because I’ve always blow dried and used hot tools to style my hair it seemed that way. I love changing my hair up, have gone very short many times, and often enjoy slightly architectural cuts. I don’t exactly mind fixing my hair, but I do appreciate being able to get a couple days out of it when possible.

    Flash forward to quarantine, I was in a job that didn’t require zoom at all and I wasn’t going to see customers, so I just stopped doing my hair and let it air dry for two months. Turns out my hair is way curlier than I thought. Got my first cut back in the summer and went with a shag, it’s very low maintenance but to me it always seems “not styled.” There’s a casual, almost beachy vibe to it that I’m struggling against. It almost looks less polished when I try to add product and actively style it, preferring how it looks air dried for the most part. But I just don’t know if I should keep it up, it doesn’t feel “like me,” I’m not terribly conservative but because I have a very Joan Holloway shaped body I do wear a more conservative look (lots of Talbots, solid colors, bold colors sometimes but not prints, lots of navy and red).

    I don’t know what my hangups are – do I have outdated ideas of how hair should be? Am I sensitive to it because my friends have not said nice things about it (they haven’t said bad things, it’s more the absence that is suspicious). Is it because it doesn’t “match” my wardrobe? The main reason I’m inclined to keep it is because it feels like it’s just what my hair wants to do. One thing I know I hate is that I can’t get it as shiny curly as I can straight and styled, so it looks more dull in its natural state, and sleeping on it makes it look terrible the next day so even if it’s lower maintenance on the time to style it scale, I’m having to wash it more often and can’t easily just wake up and go.

    1. GoryDetails*

      Not sure if this is helpful or not, but as a fan of wash-and-wear hair I’d say give it a while longer and see if you get more used to it. (It sounds fine to me, but then my preferred wardrobe is denim-and-T-shirt, so there’s that!) I do generally have to dampen my own hair to avoid bed-head, but I only shampoo it every 2 or 3 days; that seems to help with the overall texture.

    2. WellRed*

      Do you actually like the hairstyle or not? That’s the question you need answering and leave aside the baggage about professionalism and wardrobe.

      2. lapgiraffe*

        Sometimes you just need someone to ask the obvious question that you weren’t thinking about – this is what finally made me feel strongly, and no, I don’t like the haircut. I *want* to like it but for a handful of reasons I don’t. Some days I love it, but there’s far too few of those days. Thank you, this helped a lot!

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          Then change it. You can find a haircut that works with your hair AND you like. I did. It took finding the right person to cut my hair.

    3. Formerly in HR*

      Did you ever try a Deva cut? Even when hair is more wavy than curly it helps with making it style better. They would also how you can wash, condition, scrunch and maintain – maybe you will end up liking it more.

    4. The teapots are on fire*

      I would ask the stylist if there are products that can give your hair gloss and smoothness in its curly state. Then you can keep your cut, add some polish, and continue to wash’n’wear.

    5. Yellow Warbler*

      I switched to CGM over the past few years, and there is definitely a transition period. I went from flat ironing my frizzy hair to wearing it mixed texture (wavy/curly). You are right that it doesn’t shine like straight hair does, that’s just how the cuticle works. However, growing out the heat-damaged part and getting back to fresh hair will definitely help, so it’s a long-term waiting game. A gel cast can also add shine, though I prefer to scrunch it out.

      I go 2-3 days between washes, but if I have to be somewhere, I need to jump in the shower and do a refresh. Saturate it, scrunch in either conditioner or protein treatment depending on how my curls are acting, and let air dry. For me, not washing does not mean I can be completely hands-off with it.

    6. lapgiraffe*

      I cut if off. It felt and feels amazing.

      I think the professionalism thing is what I kept going to because I’ve been interviewing sporadically and I never liked how I presented with the shag/curly thing. I don’t ever look at someone with curly hair and think “not professional” because of it (in fact I have mad jealousy for curly haired people probably because my hair falls in between) but I would get all dolled up and put on proper work attire for these interviews and still felt like there was something off.

      I tried putting it up, half up half down, really worked at making it look right and instead it just looked messy, and therefore I felt messy and worried that it translated in my interview. It boils down to confidence, and I feel more confidence with controllable hair, which for me is a chin length straight bob with shortish bangs.

      Thank you all for helping me work out my feelings today haha :-)

    7. tangerineRose*

      You might want to try skipping the shampoo for a while and using conditioner on your hair every day – curly hair tends to like that.

  73. Anon Mom*

    I know this is late in the weekend but my ex and I frazzled. Part of this may be work related.

    We found out that child’s daycare had been informed that a child had covid and has been there the entire time they were supposed to be in quarantine. Obviously, we are very upset. (Who sends their child to expose others?) At first, the daycare was sketchy about the entire situation, stating that the health department calling was a mistake. Then started saying that the family didn’t know. Finally, they said it was a lab error. Now they have backtracked and now they are closing for quarantine.

    Here’s the thing, ex makes almost 4 times as much as I do. But I have quarantined with our children 4 times in the last year. This will be the 5th time. I am a teacher and we are in person. He wants to split care but I don’t know that it is a good idea. I feel it needs to be one or other.

    Second thing, we are planning on having a conversation about the whole situation. This same class was quarantined last month as the teacher had covid. I want to know what the consequences are going to be for this family. My ex wants to see this child’s test report. (Realistically we know that can’t probably happen.) Our child care options are very limited where we live. What would you be asking? Or any advice on how to handle to this better.

    1. Kage*

      Uggh. That sucks. I know you said your local care options are limited but in your shoes I would be seriously looking for new childcare options as I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kids there ever again. Separate from the family sending their kid, I’m more concerned that the center lied and what else would they then lie about in the future (injuries, problems, etc). At a minimum, I’d probably want that family kicked out and a LOT of promises/action about on how the center will be better in the future in general. My gym did that with a member who was blatantly posting about not believing in COVID/not taking precautions. The backlash of potentially loosing multiple members due to her comments was greater than them loosing just one member so they canceled her membership/kicked her out.

      Good luck finding a short-term quarantine option w/ your ex.

    2. CovidTester*

      “My ex wants to see this child’s test report.” That is so beyond what is possible, sorry. I work in a Covid testing facility and even we are not allowed to access that level of personal information if we asked. And it is true that there are sometimes lab mistakes. As for “Who sends their child to expose others?”, I’ve heard of so many parents hiding their kids’ sicknesses because they can’t miss work. And unfortunately I feel like “consequences” for this family (e.g. no longer being allowed into that center?) will just make that kind of problem worse, especially in a place with limited options. It sucks all around.

      All that said, I agree with Kage that you need to push back on the center and how they handle information. This is a societal level problem where if we insist on in-person interactions in an ongoing pandemic, someone needs to be responsible at a group level instead of an individual one.

    3. Reba*

      I’m not getting the whole picture regarding your ex’s income and work situation, but yes I think it is completely reasonable for you to ask them to step up and do more care as you have taken on more of the quarantine burden all along. That said you are both effectively in the same bubble already, no? Like, I’m assuming you’ve both had your child during this exposure period, so both of your households should be quarantining?

  74. WellRed*

    Not probably can’t happen, won’t happen. You need to find new childcare because you no longer trust this one. I realize that’s not easy. You mention your ex makes 4x what you do but you don’t mention what he does, his schedule or his flexibility. Does he have pto? Can he throw some of his money at hiring child care help? I assume he does have room here, he just doesn’t want to do it. That’s the conversation you need to be having, how to equitably divide this up, pandemic or not. Stop worrying about consequences and test results because that way lies frustration and disappointment.

  75. Leeks*

    Leeks! Most of the recipes I see that use leeks, use only the “white and light green” parts. What would one do with the rest? I hate to discard them.

    1. Formerly in HR*

      Never found an use, I guess you could add to the pot when making broth, instead of or in addition to onions.

    2. toesies*

      I usually use the green parts too. They can be a bit tough, so I chop them well. I’m not throwing away leeks (which are pretty expensive here). If you’re making leek/potato/cream soup it’ll change the colour, but not in a bad way.

    3. LDN Layabout*

      The general advice for vegetable odds and ends is clean, chuck into a freezer bag and keep for stock and being a household of one it generally works out for me that I don’t have to use ‘edible’ veg for stock because my lil freezer bag is more than enough.

    4. Reba*

      You can eat them, they are just tough compared to the whites. Slice very thin and braise for long time to soften.

      Better use IMO is for stock, if you are into making homemade stock (we have a big ziplock in the freezer where we stash veggie scraps until we have enough to stock with).

      Good for soup if you are going to puree it — more pronounce flavor than the whites, I like to use both parts for leek and potato soup.

    5. Add flavour to anything simmer-able*

      The dark green parts of leek leaves are classically used to wrap the herbs in a bouquet garni – they freeze well, so I will throw them in the freezer and defrost for this purpose.

    6. Mstr*

      Slice the dark green part thinly & use it raw as a topping for whatever you’re making. It’s good fresh & crisp like that. Also delicious mixed with crushed nuts as a topping for Asian dishes or spicy pasta or chicken with peanut sauce …

    7. Torrance*

      This is probably not the kind of answer you’re looking for but I can’t help myself.

      If you live with someone who has a sincere appreciation for ‘dad jokes’, chuck a bit under the sink & tell them that there’s a bit of a ‘leek’ under the sink.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        … My husband wrote “6.02 x 10^23” on his arm and asked me to look at his concerning mole. I’m putting a leek on my grocery list for next time. :P Thank you :)

    8. Esmeralda*

      WAsh well, stick in a ziplock, stick in the freezer. The next time you make stock or broth or soup (or anything that cooks awhile in a lot of liquid, such as dried beans), throw in the leek tops. Don’t even need to defrost them. Remove before eating or using the broth etc. If you leave them big they’re easier to fish out.

  76. Alexis Rose*

    I think I’ve forgotten how to socialize.

    Two different acquaintances have reached out to me in the last few months suggesting we hang out (socially distanced)…I reply enthusiastically…and it just never seems to happen.

    Several of my friends moved away during covid so I’d love to see if these acquaintances might become new friends eventually. However, I have a history of taking in all the emotional labor in friendships, so I’ve been trying to let things unfold more naturally and see if it’s reciprocal. But it feels like letting things unfold naturally might mean that nothing ever happens? They reached out to me, so I can’t tell if the fact that the conversations end in radio silence with no plans made means I need to let it go or be more active in making things happen.

    1. Workerbee*

      It might just be that it is indeed up to one of you deciding on something and setting a date.

      But also, I’ve found that the brain fog of last year is still among us this year, and weeks, even months still go by in strange ways. Perhaps just give it more time.

Comments are closed.